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diff --git a/1200-h/1200-h.htm b/1200-h/1200-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c50d027 --- /dev/null +++ b/1200-h/1200-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,35326 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + Rabelais: Gargantua and Pantagruel, Five Volumes, Complete + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + .indent5 { margin-left: 5%;} + .indent10 { margin-left: 10%;} + .indent15 { margin-left: 15%;} + .indent20 { margin-left: 20%;} + .indent30 { margin-left: 30%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 100%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + .side { float: left; font-size: 75%; width: 25%; padding-left: 0.8em; + border-left: dashed thin; text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; + font-weight: bold; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: solid 1px;} + p.pfirst, p.noindent {text-indent: 0} + span.dropcap { float: left; margin: 0 0.1em 0 0; line-height: 1 } + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 1200 ***</div> + <h1> + GARGANTUA AND HIS SON PANTAGRUEL + </h1> + + + + +Produced by Sue Asscher and David Widger + + +TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE: + +The original Project Gutenberg edition of this ebook was a text file +prepared by Sue Asscher in 1998, from: + + "MASTER FRANCIS RABELAIS FIVE BOOKS OF THE LIVES, HEROIC + DEEDS AND SAYINGS OF GARGANTUA AND HIS SON PANTAGRUEL", + Translated into English by Sir Thomas Urquhart of Cromarty + and Peter Antony Motteux. + +The publisher's name and location were not included. + +Sue Asscher added the following information regarding the printed book +she scanned: + +"The text of the first Two Books of Rabelais has been reprinted from the +first edition (1653) of Urquhart's translation. Footnotes initialled +'M.' are drawn from the Maitland Club edition (1838); other footnotes +are by the translator. Urquhart's translation of Book III. appeared +posthumously in 1693, with a new edition of Books I. and II., under +Motteux's editorship. Motteux's rendering of Books IV. and V. followed +in 1708. Occasionally (as the footnotes indicate) passages omitted by +Motteux have been restored from the 1738 copy edited by Ozell." + +In 2013 images obtained from Google Books were added by David Widger in +the production of the present HTML file: + +https://books.google.com/books?id=Lvz_fCWaJf4C&printsec=frontcover&dq=inauthor:Rabelais&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjZoZizjJPeAhWLzFMKHVPSDqc4ChDoAQg0MAI#v=onepage&q&f=false + +This ebook and many of the Project Gutenberg ebooks are not taken from a +single paper edition as noticed in the standard legalize near the end of +each Project Gutenberg Ebook. + + "Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several + printed editions, all of which are confirmed as not + protected by copyright in the U.S. unless a copyright notice + is included. Thus, we do not necessarily keep eBooks in + compliance with any particular paper edition." + +DW + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + MASTER FRANCIS RABELAIS + </h1> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h2> + FIVE BOOKS OF THE LIVES, <br /><br />HEROIC DEEDS AND SAYINGS OF + </h2> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + GARGANTUA AND HIS SON PANTAGRUEL + </h1> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h2> + BOOK I. + </h2> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/cover.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="He Did Cry Like a Cow--frontispiece" /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> <a name="linkimage-0001" id="image-0001"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/frontispiece.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="He Did Cry Like a Cow--frontispiece" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + <br /><br /> <a name="linkimage-0002" id="image-0002"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/titlepage.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Titlepage" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </p> + <h3> + Translated into English by <br /> Sir Thomas Urquhart of Cromarty <br /> and + <br /> Peter Antony Motteux + </h3> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <blockquote> + <p> + The text of the first Two Books of Rabelais has been reprinted from the + first edition (1653) of Urquhart’s translation. Footnotes + initialled ‘M.’ are drawn from the Maitland Club edition + (1838); other footnotes are by the translator. Urquhart’s + translation of Book III. appeared posthumously in 1693, with a new + edition of Books I. and II., under Motteux’s editorship. Motteux’s + rendering of Books IV. and V. followed in 1708. Occasionally (as the + footnotes indicate) passages omitted by Motteux have been restored from + the 1738 copy edited by Ozell. + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + <br /><br /> <a name="linkimage-0003" id="image-0003"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/portrait2.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Rabelais Dissecting Society--portrait2" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + <br /><br /> <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h2> + CONTENTS. + </h2> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_INTR"> Introduction. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> FRANCIS RABELAIS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> Chapter 1.I.—Of the Genealogy and Antiquity + of Gargantua. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> Chapter 1.II.—-The Antidoted Fanfreluches: + or, a Galimatia of extravagant Conceits found in an ancient Monument. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> Chapter 1.III.—How Gargantua was carried + eleven months in his mother’s belly. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> Chapter 1.IV.—-How Gargamelle, being great + with Gargantua, did eat a huge deal of tripes. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> Chapter 1.V.—The Discourse of the Drinkers. + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> Chapter 1.VI.—How Gargantua was born in a + strange manner. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> Chapter 1.VII.—After what manner Gargantua + had his name given him, and how he tippled, bibbed, and curried the can. + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> Chapter 1.VIII.—How they apparelled + Gargantua. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> Chapter 1.IX.—The colours and liveries of + Gargantua. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> Chapter 1.X.—Of that which is signified by + the colours white and blue. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> Chapter 1.XI.—Of the youthful age of + Gargantua. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> Chapter 1.XII.—Of Gargantua’s wooden + horses. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> Chapter 1.XIII.—How Gargantua’s + wonderful understanding became known to his father Grangousier, by the + invention of a torchecul or wipebreech. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> Chapter 1.XIV.—How Gargantua was taught + Latin by a Sophister. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> Chapter 1.XV.—How Gargantua was put under + other schoolmasters. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> Chapter 1.XVI.—How Gargantua was sent to + Paris, and of the huge great mare that he rode on; how she destroyed the + oxflies of the Beauce. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0017"> Chapter 1.XVII.—How Gargantua paid his + welcome to the Parisians, and how he took away the great bells of Our Lady’s + Church. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> Chapter 1.XVIII.—How Janotus de Bragmardo + was sent to Gargantua to recover the great bells. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0019"> Chapter 1.XIX.—The oration of Master + Janotus de Bragmardo for recovery of the bells. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0020"> Chapter 1.XX.—How the Sophister carried + away his cloth, and how he had a suit in law against the other masters. + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0021"> Chapter 1.XXI.—The study of Gargantua, + according to the discipline of his schoolmasters the Sophisters. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0022"> Chapter 1.XXII.—The games of Gargantua. + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0023"> Chapter 1.XXIII.—How Gargantua was + instructed by Ponocrates, and in such sort disciplinated, that he lost not + one hour of the day. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0024"> Chapter 1.XXIV.—How Gargantua spent his + time in rainy weather. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0025"> Chapter 1.XXV.—How there was great strife + and debate raised betwixt the cake-bakers of Lerne, and those of Gargantua’s + country, whereupon were waged great wars. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0026"> Chapter 1.XXVI.—How the inhabitants of + Lerne, by the commandment of Picrochole their king, assaulted the + shepherds of Gargantua unexpectedly and on a sudden. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0027"> Chapter 1.XXVII.—How a monk of Seville + saved the close of the abbey from being ransacked by the enemy. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0028"> Chapter 1.XXVIII.—How Picrochole stormed + and took by assault the rock Clermond, and of Grangousier’s + unwillingness and aversion from the undertaking of war. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0029"> Chapter 1.XXIX.—The tenour of the letter + which Grangousier wrote to his son Gargantua. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0030"> Chapter 1.XXX.—How Ulric Gallet was sent + unto Picrochole. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0031"> Chapter 1.XXXI.—The speech made by Gallet + to Picrochole. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0032"> Chapter 1.XXXII.—How Grangousier, to buy + peace, caused the cakes to be restored. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0033"> Chapter 1.XXXIII.—How some statesmen of + Picrochole, by hairbrained counsel, put him in extreme danger. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0034"> Chapter 1.XXXIV.—How Gargantua left the + city of Paris to succour his country, and how Gymnast encountered with the + enemy. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0035"> Chapter 1.XXXV.—How Gymnast very souply and + cunningly killed Captain Tripet and others of Picrochole’s men. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0036"> Chapter 1.XXXVI.—How Gargantua demolished + the castle at the ford of Vede, and how they passed the ford. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0037"> Chapter 1.XXXVII.—How Gargantua, in combing + his head, made the great cannon-balls fall out of his hair. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0038"> Chapter 1.XXXVIII.—How Gargantua did eat up + six pilgrims in a salad. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0039"> Chapter 1.XXXIX.—How the Monk was feasted + by Gargantua, and of the jovial discourse they had at supper. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0040"> Chapter 1.XL.—Why monks are the outcasts of + the world; and wherefore some have bigger noses than others. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0041"> Chapter 1.XLI.—How the Monk made Gargantua + sleep, and of his hours and breviaries. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0042"> Chapter 1.XLII.—How the Monk encouraged his + fellow-champions, and how he hanged upon a tree. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0043"> Chapter 1.XLIII.—How the scouts and + fore-party of Picrochole were met with by Gargantua, and how the Monk slew + Captain Drawforth (Tirevant.), and then was taken prisoner by his enemies. + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0044"> Chapter 1.XLIV.—How the Monk rid himself of + his keepers, and how Picrochole’s forlorn hope was defeated. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0045"> Chapter 1.XLV.—How the Monk carried along + with him the Pilgrims, and of the good words that Grangousier gave them. + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0046"> Chapter 1.XLVI.—How Grangousier did very + kindly entertain Touchfaucet his prisoner. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0047"> Chapter 1.XLVII.—How Grangousier sent for + his legions, and how Touchfaucet slew Rashcalf, and was afterwards + executed by the command of Picrochole. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0048"> Chapter 1.XLVIII.—How Gargantua set upon + Picrochole within the rock Clermond, and utterly defeated the army of the + said Picrochole. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0049"> Chapter 1.XLIX.—How Picrochole in his + flight fell into great misfortunes, and what Gargantua did after the + battle. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0050"> Chapter 1.L.—Gargantua’s speech to + the vanquished. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0051"> Chapter 1.LI.—How the victorious + Gargantuists were recompensed after the battle. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0052"> Chapter 1.LII.—How Gargantua caused to be + built for the Monk the Abbey of Theleme. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0053"> Chapter 1.LIII.—How the abbey of the + Thelemites was built and endowed. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0054"> Chapter 1.LIV.—The inscription set upon the + great gate of Theleme. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0055"> Chapter 1.LV.—What manner of dwelling the + Thelemites had. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0056"> Chapter 1.LVI.—How the men and women of the + religious order of Theleme were apparelled. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0057"> Chapter 1.LVII.—How the Thelemites were + governed, and of their manner of living. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0058"> Chapter 1.LVIII.—A prophetical Riddle. </a> + </p> + <h3> + BOOK II. + </h3> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0001"> Chapter 2.I.—Of the original and antiquity + of the great Pantagruel. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0002"> Chapter 2.II.—Of the nativity of the most + dread and redoubted Pantagruel. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0003"> Chapter 2.III.—Of the grief wherewith + Gargantua was moved at the decease of his wife Badebec. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0004"> Chapter 2.IV.—Of the infancy of + Pantagruel. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0005"> Chapter 2.V.—Of the acts of the noble + Pantagruel in his youthful age. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0006"> Chapter 2.VI.—How Pantagruel met with a + Limousin, who too affectedly did counterfeit the French language. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0007"> Chapter 2.VII.—How Pantagruel came to + Paris, and of the choice books of the Library of St. Victor. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0008"> Chapter 2.VIII.—How Pantagruel, being at + Paris, received letters from his father Gargantua, and the copy of them. + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0009"> Chapter 2.IX.—How Pantagruel found + Panurge, whom he loved all his lifetime. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0010"> Chapter 2.X.—How Pantagruel judged so + equitably of a controversy, which was wonderfully obscure and difficult, + that, by reason of his just decree therein, he was reputed to have a most + admirable judgment. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0011"> Chapter 2.XI.—How the Lords of Kissbreech + and Suckfist did plead before Pantagruel without and attorney. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0012"> Chapter 2.XII.—How the Lord of Suckfist + pleaded before Pantagruel. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0013"> Chapter 2.XIII.—How Pantagruel gave + judgment upon the difference of the two lords. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0014"> Chapter 2.XIV.—How Panurge related the + manner how he escaped out of the hands of the Turks. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0015"> Chapter 2.XV.—How Panurge showed a very + new way to build the walls of Paris. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0016"> Chapter 2.XVI.—Of the qualities and + conditions of Panurge. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0017"> Chapter 2.XVII.—How Panurge gained the + pardons, and married the old women, and of the suit in law which he had at + Paris. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0018"> Chapter 2.XVIII.—How a great scholar of + England would have argued against Pantagruel, and was overcome by Panurge. + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0019"> Chapter 2.XIX.—How Panurge put to a + nonplus the Englishman that argued by signs. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0020"> Chapter 2.XX.—How Thaumast relateth the + virtues and knowledge of Panurge. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0021"> Chapter 2.XXI.—How Panurge was in love + with a lady of Paris. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0022"> Chapter 2.XXII.—How Panurge served a + Parisian lady a trick that pleased her not very well. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0023"> Chapter 2.XXIII.—How Pantagruel departed + from Paris, hearing news that the Dipsodes had invaded the land of the + Amaurots; and the cause wherefore the leagues are so short in France. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0024"> Chapter 2.XXIV.—A letter which a messenger + brought to Pantagruel from a lady of Paris, together with the exposition + of a posy written in a gold ring. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0025"> Chapter 2.XXV.—How Panurge, Carpalin, + Eusthenes, and Epistemon, the gentlemen attendants of Pantagruel, + vanquished and discomfited six hundred and threescore horsemen very + cunningly. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0026"> Chapter 2.XXVI.—How Pantagruel and his + company were weary in eating still salt meats; and how Carpalin went + a-hunting to have some venison. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0027a"> Chapter 2.XXVII.—How Pantagruel set up + one trophy in memorial of their valour, and Panurge another in remembrance + of the hares. How Pantagruel likewise with his farts begat little men, and + with his fisgs little women; and how Panurge broke a great staff over two + glasses. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0027"> Chapter 2.XXVIII.—How Pantagruel got the + victory very strangely over the Dipsodes and the Giants. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0028"> Chapter 2.XXIX.—How Pantagruel discomfited + the three hundred giants armed with free-stone, and Loupgarou their + captain. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0029"> Chapter 2.XXX.—How Epistemon, who had his + head cut off, was finely healed by Panurge, and of the news which he + brought from the devils, and of the damned people in hell. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0030"> Chapter 2.XXXI.—How Pantagruel entered + into the city of the Amaurots, and how Panurge married King Anarchus to an + old lantern-carrying hag, and made him a crier of green sauce. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0031"> Chapter 2.XXXII.—How Pantagruel with his + tongue covered a whole army, and what the author saw in his mouth. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0032"> Chapter 2.XXXIII.—How Pantagruel became + sick, and the manner how he was recovered. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link22HCH0033"> Chapter 2.XXXIV.—The conclusion of this + present book, and the excuse of the author. </a> + </p> + <h3> + BOOK III. + </h3> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0001"> Chapter 3.I.—How Pantagruel transported a + colony of Utopians into Dipsody. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0002"> Chapter 3.II.—How Panurge was made Laird + of Salmigondin in Dipsody, and did waste his revenue before it came in. + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0003"> Chapter 3.III.—How Panurge praiseth the + debtors and borrowers. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0004"> Chapter 3.IV.—Panurge continueth his + discourse in the praise of borrowers and lenders. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0005"> Chapter 3.V.—How Pantagruel altogether + abhorreth the debtors and borrowers. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0006"> Chapter 3.VI.—Why new married men were + privileged from going to the wars. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0007"> Chapter 3.VII.—How Panurge had a flea in + his ear, and forbore to wear any longer his magnificent codpiece. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0008"> Chapter 3.VIII.—Why the codpiece is held + to be the chief piece of armour amongst warriors. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0009"> Chapter 3.IX.—How Panurge asketh counsel + of Pantagruel whether he should marry, yea, or no. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0010"> Chapter 3.X.—How Pantagruel representeth + unto Panurge the difficulty of giving advice in the matter of marriage; + and to that purpose mentioneth somewhat of the Homeric and Virgilian + lotteries. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0011"> Chapter 3.XI.—How Pantagruel showeth the + trial of one’s fortune by the throwing of dice to be unlawful. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0012"> Chapter 3.XII.—How Pantagruel doth explore + by the Virgilian lottery what fortune Panurge shall have in his marriage. + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0013"> Chapter 3.XIII.—How Pantagruel adviseth + Panurge to try the future good or bad luck of his marriage by dreams. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0014"> Chapter 3.XIV.—Panurge’s dream, with + the interpretation thereof. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0015"> Chapter 3.XV.—Panurge’s excuse and + exposition of the monastic mystery concerning powdered beef. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0016"> Chapter 3.XVI.—How Pantagruel adviseth + Panurge to consult with the Sibyl of Panzoust. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0017"> Chapter 3.XVII.—How Panurge spoke to the + Sibyl of Panzoust. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0018"> Chapter 3.XVIII.—How Pantagruel and + Panurge did diversely expound the verses of the Sibyl of Panzoust. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0019"> Chapter 3.XIX.—How Pantagruel praiseth the + counsel of dumb men. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0020"> Chapter 3.XX.—How Goatsnose by signs + maketh answer to Panurge. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0021"> Chapter 3.XXI.—How Panurge consulteth with + an old French poet, named Raminagrobis. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0022"> Chapter 3.XXII.—How Panurge patrocinates + and defendeth the Order of the Begging Friars. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0023"> Chapter 3.XXIII.—How Panurge maketh the + motion of a return to Raminagrobis. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0024"> Chapter 3.XXIV.—How Panurge consulteth + with Epistemon. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0025"> Chapter 3.XXV.—How Panurge consulteth with + Herr Trippa. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0026"> Chapter 3.XXVI.—How Panurge consulteth + with Friar John of the Funnels. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0027"> Chapter 3.XXVII.—How Friar John merrily + and sportingly counselleth Panurge. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0028"> Chapter 3.XXVIII.—How Friar John + comforteth Panurge in the doubtful matter of cuckoldry. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0029"> Chapter 3.XXIX.—How Pantagruel convocated + together a theologian, physician, lawyer, and philosopher, for extricating + Panurge out of the perplexity wherein he was. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0030"> Chapter 3.XXX.—How the theologue, + Hippothadee, giveth counsel to Panurge in the matter and business of his + nuptial enterprise. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0031"> Chapter 3.XXXI.—How the physician + Rondibilis counselleth Panurge. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0032"> Chapter 3.XXXII.—How Rondibilis declareth + cuckoldry to be naturally one of the appendances of marriage. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0033"> Chapter 3.XXXIII.—Rondibilis the physician’s + cure of cuckoldry. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0034"> Chapter 3.XXXIV.—How women ordinarily have + the greatest longing after things prohibited. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0035"> Chapter 3.XXXV.—How the philosopher + Trouillogan handleth the difficulty of marriage. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0036"> Chapter 3.XXXVI.—A continuation of the + answer of the Ephectic and Pyrrhonian philosopher Trouillogan. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0037"> Chapter 3.XXXVII.—How Pantagruel persuaded + Panurge to take counsel of a fool. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0038"> Chapter 3.XXXVIII.—How Triboulet is set + forth and blazed by Pantagruel and Panurge. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0039"> Chapter 3.XXXIX.—How Pantagruel was + present at the trial of Judge Bridlegoose, who decided causes and + controversies in law by the chance and fortune of the dice. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0040"> Chapter 3.XL.—How Bridlegoose giveth + reasons why he looked upon those law-actions which he decided by the + chance of the dice. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0041"> Chapter 3.XLI.—How Bridlegoose relateth + the history of the reconcilers of parties at variance in matters of law. + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0042"> Chapter 3.XLII.—How suits at law are bred + at first, and how they come afterwards to their perfect growth. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0043"> Chapter 3.XLIII.—How Pantagruel excuseth + Bridlegoose in the matter of sentencing actions at law by the chance of + the dice. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0044"> Chapter 3.XLIV.—How Pantagruel relateth a + strange history of the perplexity of human judgment. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0045"> Chapter 3.XLV.—How Panurge taketh advice + of Triboulet. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0046"> Chapter 3.XLVI.—How Pantagruel and Panurge + diversely interpret the words of Triboulet. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0047"> Chapter 3.XLVII.—How Pantagruel and + Panurge resolved to make a visit to the oracle of the holy bottle. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0048"> Chapter 3.XLVIII.—How Gargantua showeth + that the children ought not to marry without the special knowledge and + advice of their fathers and mothers. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0049"> Chapter 3.XLIX.—How Pantagruel did put + himself in a readiness to go to sea; and of the herb named Pantagruelion. + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0050"> Chapter 3.L.—How the famous Pantagruelion + ought to be prepared and wrought. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0051"> Chapter 3.LI.—Why it is called + Pantagruelion, and of the admirable virtues thereof. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link32HCH0052"> Chapter 3.LII.—How a certain kind of + Pantagruelion is of that nature that the fire is not able to consume it. + </a> + </p> + <h3> + BOOK IV. + </h3> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0001"> Chapter 4.I.—How Pantagruel went to sea to + visit the oracle of Bacbuc, alias the Holy Bottle. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0002"> Chapter 4.II.—How Pantagruel bought many + rarities in the island of Medamothy. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0003"> Chapter 4.III.—How Pantagruel received a + letter from his father Gargantua, and of the strange way to have speedy + news from far distant places. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0004"> Chapter 4.IV.—How Pantagruel writ to his + father Gargantua, and sent him several curiosities. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0005"> Chapter 4.V.—How Pantagruel met a ship + with passengers returning from Lanternland. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0006"> Chapter 4.VI.—How, the fray being over, + Panurge cheapened one of Dingdong’s sheep. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0007"> Chapter 4.VII.—Which if you read you’ll + find how Panurge bargained with Dingdong. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0008"> Chapter 4.VIII.—How Panurge caused + Dingdong and his sheep to be drowned in the sea. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0009"> Chapter 4.IX.—How Pantagruel arrived at + the island of Ennasin, and of the strange ways of being akin in that + country. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0010"> Chapter 4.X.—How Pantagruel went ashore at + the island of Chely, where he saw King St. Panigon. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0011"> Chapter 4.XI.—Why monks love to be in + kitchens. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0012"> Chapter 4.XII.—How Pantagruel passed by + the land of Pettifogging, and of the strange way of living among the + Catchpoles. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0013"> Chapter 4.XIII.—How, like Master Francis + Villon, the Lord of Basche commended his servants. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0014"> Chapter 4.XIV.—A further account of + catchpoles who were drubbed at Basche’s house. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0015"> Chapter 4.XV.—How the ancient custom at + nuptials is renewed by the catchpole. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0016"> Chapter 4.XVI.—How Friar John made trial + of the nature of the catchpoles. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0017"> Chapter 4.XVII.—How Pantagruel came to the + islands of Tohu and Bohu; and of the strange death of Wide-nostrils, the + swallower of windmills. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0018"> Chapter 4.XVIII.—How Pantagruel met with a + great storm at sea. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0019"> Chapter 4.XIX.—What countenances Panurge + and Friar John kept during the storm. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0020"> Chapter 4.XX.—How the pilots were + forsaking their ships in the greatest stress of weather. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0021"> Chapter 4.XXI.—A continuation of the + storm, with a short discourse on the subject of making testaments at sea. + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0022"> Chapter 4.XXII.—An end of the storm. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0023"> Chapter 4.XXIII.—How Panurge played the + good fellow when the storm was over. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0024"> Chapter 4.XXIV.—How Panurge was said to + have been afraid without reason during the storm. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0025"> Chapter 4.XXV.—How, after the storm, + Pantagruel went on shore in the islands of the Macreons. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0026"> Chapter 4.XXVI.—How the good Macrobius + gave us an account of the mansion and decease of the heroes. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0027"> Chapter 4.XXVII.—Pantagruel’s + discourse of the decease of heroic souls; and of the dreadful prodigies + that happened before the death of the late Lord de Langey. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0028"> Chapter 4.XXVIII.—How Pantagruel related a + very sad story of the death of the heroes. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0029"> Chapter 4.XXIX.—How Pantagruel sailed by + the Sneaking Island, where Shrovetide reigned. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0030"> Chapter 4.XXX.—How Shrovetide is + anatomized and described by Xenomanes. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0031"> Chapter 4.XXXI.—Shrovetide’s outward + parts anatomized. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0032"> Chapter 4.XXXII.—A continuation of + Shrovetide’s countenance. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0033"> Chapter 4.XXXIII.—How Pantagruel + discovered a monstrous physeter, or whirlpool, near the Wild Island. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0034"> Chapter 4.XXXIV.—How the monstrous + physeter was slain by Pantagruel. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0035"> Chapter 4.XXXV.—How Pantagruel went on + shore in the Wild Island, the ancient abode of the Chitterlings. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0036"> Chapter 4.XXXVI.—How the wild Chitterlings + laid an ambuscado for Pantagruel. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0037"> Chapter 4.XXXVII.—How Pantagruel sent for + Colonel Maul-chitterling and Colonel Cut-pudding; with a discourse well + worth your hearing about the names of places and persons. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0038"> Chapter 4.XXXVIII.—How Chitterlings are + not to be slighted by men. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0039"> Chapter 4.XXXIX.—How Friar John joined + with the cooks to fight the Chitterlings. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0040"> Chapter 4.XL.—How Friar John fitted up the + sow; and of the valiant cooks that went into it. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0041"> Chapter 4.XLI.—How Pantagruel broke the + Chitterlings at the knees. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0042"> Chapter 4.XLII.—How Pantagruel held a + treaty with Niphleseth, Queen of the Chitterlings. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0043"> Chapter 4.XLIII.—How Pantagruel went into + the island of Ruach. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0044"> Chapter 4.XLIV.—How small rain lays a high + wind. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0045"> Chapter 4.XLV.—How Pantagruel went ashore + in the island of Pope-Figland. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0046"> Chapter 4.XLVI.—How a junior devil was + fooled by a husbandman of Pope-Figland. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0047"> Chapter 4.XLVII.—How the devil was + deceived by an old woman of Pope-Figland. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0048"> Chapter 4.XLVIII.—How Pantagruel went + ashore at the island of Papimany. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0049"> Chapter 4.XLIX.—How Homenas, Bishop of + Papimany, showed us the Uranopet decretals. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0050"> Chapter 4.L.—How Homenas showed us the + archetype, or representation of a pope. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0051"> Chapter 4.LI.—Table-talk in praise of the + decretals. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0052"> Chapter 4.LII.—A continuation of the + miracles caused by the decretals. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0053"> Chapter 4.LIII.—How by the virtue of the + decretals, gold is subtilely drawn out of France to Rome. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0054"> Chapter 4.LIV.—How Homenas gave Pantagruel + some bon-Christian pears. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0055"> Chapter 4.LV.—How Pantagruel, being at + sea, heard various unfrozen words. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0056"> Chapter 4.LVI.—How among the frozen words + Pantagruel found some odd ones. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0057"> Chapter 4.LVII.—How Pantagruel went ashore + at the dwelling of Gaster, the first master of arts in the world. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0058"> Chapter 4.LVIII.—How, at the court of the + master of ingenuity, Pantagruel detested the Engastrimythes and the + Gastrolaters. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0059"> Chapter 4.LIX.—Of the ridiculous statue + Manduce; and how and what the Gastrolaters sacrifice to their ventripotent + god. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0060"> Chapter 4.LX.—What the Gastrolaters + sacrificed to their god on interlarded fish-days. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0061"> Chapter 4.LXI.—How Gaster invented means + to get and preserve corn. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0062"> Chapter 4.LXII.—How Gaster invented an art + to avoid being hurt or touched by cannon-balls. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0063"> Chapter 4.LXIII.—How Pantagruel fell + asleep near the island of Chaneph, and of the problems proposed to be + solved when he waked. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0064"> Chapter 4.LXIV.—How Pantagruel gave no + answer to the problems. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0065"> Chapter 4.LXV.—How Pantagruel passed the + time with his servants. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0066"> Chapter 4.LXVI.—How, by Pantagruel’s + order, the Muses were saluted near the isle of Ganabim. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link42HCH0067"> Chapter 4.LXVII.—How Panurge berayed + himself for fear; and of the huge cat Rodilardus, which he took for a puny + devil. </a> + </p> + <h3> + BOOK V. + </h3> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0001"> Chapter 5.I.—How Pantagruel arrived at the + Ringing Island, and of the noise that we heard. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0002"> Chapter 5.II.—How the Ringing Island had + been inhabited by the Siticines, who were become birds. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0003"> Chapter 5.III.—How there is but one + pope-hawk in the Ringing Island. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0004"> Chapter 5.IV.—How the birds of the Ringing + Island were all passengers. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0005"> Chapter 5.V.—Of the dumb Knight-hawks of + the Ringing Island. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0006"> Chapter 5.VI.—How the birds are crammed in + the Ringing Island. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0007"> Chapter 5.VII.—How Panurge related to + Master Aedituus the fable of the horse and the ass. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0008"> Chapter 5.VIII.—How with much ado we got a + sight of the pope-hawk. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0009"> Chapter 5.IX.—How we arrived at the island + of Tools. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0010"> Chapter 5.X.—How Pantagruel arrived at the + island of Sharping. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0011"> Chapter 5.XI.—How we passed through the + wicket inhabited by Gripe-men-all, Archduke of the Furred Law-cats. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0012"> Chapter 5.XII.—How Gripe-men-all + propounded a riddle to us. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0013"> Chapter 5.XIII.—How Panurge solved + Gripe-men-all’s riddle. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0014"> Chapter 5.XIV.—How the Furred Law-cats + live on corruption. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0015"> Chapter 5.XV.—How Friar John talks of + rooting out the Furred Law-cats. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0016"> Chapter 5.XVI.—How Pantagruel came to the + island of the Apedefers, or Ignoramuses, with long claws and crooked paws, + and of terrible adventures and monsters there. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0017"> Chapter 5.XVII.—How we went forwards, and + how Panurge had like to have been killed. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0018"> Chapter 5.XVIII.—How our ships were + stranded, and we were relieved by some people that were subject to Queen + Whims (qui tenoient de la Quinte). </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0019"> Chapter 5.XIX.—How we arrived at the + queendom of Whims or Entelechy. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0020"> Chapter 5.XX.—How the Quintessence cured + the sick with a song. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0021"> Chapter 5.XXI.—How the Queen passed her + time after dinner. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0022"> Chapter 5.XXII.—How Queen Whims’ + officers were employed; and how the said lady retained us among her + abstractors. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0023"> Chapter 5.XXIII.—How the Queen was served + at dinner, and of her way of eating. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0024"> Chapter 5.XXIV.—How there was a ball in + the manner of a tournament, at which Queen Whims was present. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0025"> Chapter 5.XXV.—How the thirty-two persons + at the ball fought. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0026"> Chapter 5.XXVI.—How we came to the island + of Odes, where the ways go up and down. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0027"> Chapter 5.XXVII.—How we came to the island + of Sandals; and of the order of Semiquaver Friars. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0028"> Chapter 5.XXVIII.—How Panurge asked a + Semiquaver Friar many questions, and was only answered in monosyllables. + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0029"> Chapter 5.XXIX.—How Epistemon disliked the + institution of Lent. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0030"> Chapter 5.XXX.—How we came to the land of + Satin. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0031"> Chapter 5.XXXI.—How in the land of Satin + we saw Hearsay, who kept a school of vouching. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0032"> Chapter 5.XXXII.—How we came in sight of + Lantern-land. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0033"> Chapter 5.XXXIII.—How we landed at the + port of the Lychnobii, and came to Lantern-land. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0034"> Chapter 5.XXXIV.—How we arrived at the + Oracle of the Bottle. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0035"> Chapter 5.XXXV.—How we went underground to + come to the Temple of the Holy Bottle, and how Chinon is the oldest city + in the world. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0036"> Chapter 5.XXXVI.—How we went down the + tetradic steps, and of Panurge’s fear. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0037"> Chapter 5.XXXVII.—How the temple gates in + a wonderful manner opened of themselves. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0038"> Chapter 5.XXXVIII.—Of the Temple’s + admirable pavement. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0039"> Chapter 5.XXXIX.—How we saw Bacchus’s + army drawn up in battalia in mosaic work. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0040"> Chapter 5.XL.—How the battle in which the + good Bacchus overthrew the Indians was represented in mosaic work. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0041"> Chapter 5.XLI.—How the temple was + illuminated with a wonderful lamp. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0042"> Chapter 5.XLII —How the Priestess Bacbuc + showed us a fantastic fountain in the temple, and how the fountain-water + had the taste of wine, according to the imagination of those who drank of + it.</a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0043"> Chapter 5.XLIII.—How the Priestess Bacbuc + equipped Panurge in order to have the word of the Bottle. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0044"> Chapter 5.XLIV.—How Bacbuc, the + high-priestess, brought Panurge before the Holy Bottle. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0045"> Chapter 5.XLV.—How Bacbuc explained the + word of the Goddess-Bottle. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0046"> Chapter 5.XLVI.—How Panurge and the rest + rhymed with poetic fury. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link52HCH0047"> Chapter 5.XLVII.—How we took our leave of + Bacbuc, and left the Oracle of the Holy Bottle. </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h2> + List of Illustrations + </h2> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0001"> He Did Cry Like a Cow—frontispiece </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0002"> Titlepage </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0003"> Rabelais Dissecting Society—portrait2 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0004"> Francois Rabelais—portrait </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0005"> Prologue1 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0006"> All Stiff Drinkers—1-05-006 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0007"> One of the Girls Brought Him Wine—1-07-018 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0008"> On the Road to The Castle—1-11-026 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0009"> Led Them up the Great Staircase—1-12-028 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0010"> He Went to See the City—1-16-036 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0011"> Gargantua Visiting the Shops—1-17-038 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0012"> He Did Swim in Deep Waters—1-23-048 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0013"> The Monks Knew Not—1-27-060 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0014"> How Gargantua Passed the Ford—1-36-076 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0015"> Valiant Champions on Their Adventure—1-42-086 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0016"> I Hear the Enemy, Let Us Rally—1-43-088 + </a> + </p> + <h3> + BOOK II. + </h3> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0001"> He Did Cry Like a Cow—frontispiece </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0002"> Titlepage </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0003"> Rabelais Dissecting Society—portrait2 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0004"> Francois Rabelais—portrait </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2image-0005"> With This I Ran Away—2-13-159 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2image-0006"> When the Dogs Have You—2-14-164 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2image-0007"> Laid a Train of Gunpowder—2-16-168 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2image-0008"> After Dinner Panurge Went to See Her—2-21-184 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2image-0009"> Horseman Very Cunningly Vanquished—2-25-192 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2image-0010"> Striking Them Down As a Mason Does—2-29-204 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2image-0011"> Epictetus There Making Good Cheer—2-30-208 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2image-0012"> Seeking of Rusty Pins and Old Nails—2-30-210 + </a> + </p> + <h3> + BOOK III. + </h3> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0001"> He Did Cry Like a Cow—frontispiece </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0002"> Titlepage </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0003"> Rabelais Dissecting Society—portrait2 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0004"> Francois Rabelais—portrait </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link3image-0005"> Panurge Seeks the Advice of Pantagruel—3-08-240 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link3image-0006"> Found the Old Woman Sitting Alone—3-17-225 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link3image-0007"> The Chamber is Already Full of Devils—3-23-294 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link3image-0008"> Rondibilus the Physician—3-30-322 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link3image-0009"> Altercation Waxed Hot in Words—3-37-346 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link3image-0010"> Bridlegoose—3-39-352 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link3image-0011"> Relateth the History of The Reconcilers—3-41-356 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link3image-0012"> Sucking Very Much at the Purses of The + Pleading Parties—3-42-360 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link3image-0013"> Serving in the Place of a Cravat—3-51-386 + </a> + </p> + <h3> + BOOK IV. + </h3> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0001"> He Did Cry Like a Cow—frontispiece </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0002"> Titlepage </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0003"> Rabelais Dissecting Society—portrait2 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0004"> Francois Rabelais—portrait </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link4image-0005"> Prologue4 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link4image-0006"> My Hatchet, Lord Jupeter—4-00-400 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link4image-0007"> He Comes to Chinon—4-00-406 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link4image-0008"> Cost What They Will, Trade With Me—4-07-420 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link4image-0009"> All of Them Forced to Sea and Drowned—4-08-422 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link4image-0010"> Messire Oudart—4-12-430 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link4image-0011"> Friar John—4-23-452 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link4image-0012"> Two Old Women Were Weeping and Wailing—4-19-446 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link4image-0013"> Physetere Was Slain by Pantagruel—4-35-472 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link4image-0014"> Pantagruel Arose to Scour the Thicket—4-36-474 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link4image-0015"> Cut the Sausage in Twain—4-41-482 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link4image-0016"> The Devil Came to the Place—4-48-496 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link4image-0017"> Appointed Cows to Furnish Milk—4-51-500 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link4image-0018"> We Were All out of Sorts—4-63-524 </a> + </p> + <h3> + BOOK V. + </h3> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0001"> He Did Cry Like a Cow—frontispiece </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0002"> Titlepage </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0003"> Rabelais Dissecting Society—portrait2 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0004"> Francois Rabelais—portrait </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link5image-0005"> The Master of Ringing Island—5-03-544 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link5image-0006"> Furred Law Cats Scrambling After the Crowns—5-13-564 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link5image-0007"> Friar John and Panurge—5-28-600 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link5image-0008"> Humbly Beseech Your Lanternship—5-35-618 + </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> <a name="linkimage-0004" id="image-0004"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/portrait.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Francois Rabelais--portrait" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + <a name="link2H_INTR" id="link2H_INTR"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Introduction. + </h2> + <p> + Had Rabelais never written his strange and marvellous romance, no one + would ever have imagined the possibility of its production. It stands + outside other things—a mixture of mad mirth and gravity, of folly + and reason, of childishness and grandeur, of the commonplace and the + out-of-the-way, of popular verve and polished humanism, of mother-wit and + learning, of baseness and nobility, of personalities and broad + generalization, of the comic and the serious, of the impossible and the + familiar. Throughout the whole there is such a force of life and thought, + such a power of good sense, a kind of assurance so authoritative, that he + takes rank with the greatest; and his peers are not many. You may like him + or not, may attack him or sing his praises, but you cannot ignore him. He + is of those that die hard. Be as fastidious as you will; make up your mind + to recognize only those who are, without any manner of doubt, beyond and + above all others; however few the names you keep, Rabelais’ will + always remain. + </p> + <p> + We may know his work, may know it well, and admire it more every time we + read it. After being amused by it, after having enjoyed it, we may return + again to study it and to enter more fully into its meaning. Yet there is + no possibility of knowing his own life in the same fashion. In spite of + all the efforts, often successful, that have been made to throw light on + it, to bring forward a fresh document, or some obscure mention in a + forgotten book, to add some little fact, to fix a date more precisely, it + remains nevertheless full of uncertainty and of gaps. Besides, it has been + burdened and sullied by all kinds of wearisome stories and foolish + anecdotes, so that really there is more to weed out than to add. + </p> + <p> + This injustice, at first wilful, had its rise in the sixteenth century, in + the furious attacks of a monk of Fontevrault, Gabriel de Puy-Herbault, who + seems to have drawn his conclusions concerning the author from the book, + and, more especially, in the regrettable satirical epitaph of Ronsard, + piqued, it is said, that the Guises had given him only a little pavillon + in the Forest of Meudon, whereas the presbytery was close to the chateau. + From that time legend has fastened on Rabelais, has completely travestied + him, till, bit by bit, it has made of him a buffoon, a veritable clown, a + vagrant, a glutton, and a drunkard. + </p> + <p> + The likeness of his person has undergone a similar metamorphosis. He has + been credited with a full moon of a face, the rubicund nose of an + incorrigible toper, and thick coarse lips always apart because always + laughing. The picture would have surprised his friends no less than + himself. There have been portraits painted of Rabelais; I have seen many + such. They are all of the seventeenth century, and the greater number are + conceived in this jovial and popular style. + </p> + <p> + As a matter of fact there is only one portrait of him that counts, that + has more than the merest chance of being authentic, the one in the + Chronologie collee or coupee. Under this double name is known and cited a + large sheet divided by lines and cross lines into little squares, + containing about a hundred heads of illustrious Frenchmen. This sheet was + stuck on pasteboard for hanging on the wall, and was cut in little pieces, + so that the portraits might be sold separately. The majority of the + portraits are of known persons and can therefore be verified. Now it can + be seen that these have been selected with care, and taken from the most + authentic sources; from statues, busts, medals, even stained glass, for + the persons of most distinction, from earlier engravings for the others. + Moreover, those of which no other copies exist, and which are therefore + the most valuable, have each an individuality very distinct, in the + features, the hair, the beard, as well as in the costume. Not one of them + is like another. There has been no tampering with them, no forgery. On the + contrary, there is in each a difference, a very marked personality. + Leonard Gaultier, who published this engraving towards the end of the + sixteenth century, reproduced a great many portraits besides from chalk + drawings, in the style of his master, Thomas de Leu. It must have been + such drawings that were the originals of those portraits which he alone + has issued, and which may therefore be as authentic and reliable as the + others whose correctness we are in a position to verify. + </p> + <p> + Now Rabelais has here nothing of the Roger Bontemps of low degree about + him. His features are strong, vigorously cut, and furrowed with deep + wrinkles; his beard is short and scanty; his cheeks are thin and already + worn-looking. On his head he wears the square cap of the doctors and the + clerks, and his dominant expression, somewhat rigid and severe, is that of + a physician and a scholar. And this is the only portrait to which we need + attach any importance. + </p> + <p> + This is not the place for a detailed biography, nor for an exhaustive + study. At most this introduction will serve as a framework on which to fix + a few certain dates, to hang some general observations. The date of + Rabelais’ birth is very doubtful. For long it was placed as far back + as 1483: now scholars are disposed to put it forward to about 1495. The + reason, a good one, is that all those whom he has mentioned as his + friends, or in any real sense his contemporaries, were born at the very + end of the fifteenth century. And, indeed, it is in the references in his + romance to names, persons, and places, that the most certain and valuable + evidence is to be found of his intercourse, his patrons, his friendships, + his sojournings, and his travels: his own work is the best and richest + mine in which to search for the details of his life. + </p> + <p> + Like Descartes and Balzac, he was a native of Touraine, and Tours and + Chinon have only done their duty in each of them erecting in recent years + a statue to his honour, a twofold homage reflecting credit both on the + province and on the town. But the precise facts about his birth are + nevertheless vague. Huet speaks of the village of Benais, near Bourgeuil, + of whose vineyards Rabelais makes mention. As the little vineyard of La + Deviniere, near Chinon, and familiar to all his readers, is supposed to + have belonged to his father, Thomas Rabelais, some would have him born + there. It is better to hold to the earlier general opinion that Chinon was + his native town; Chinon, whose praises he sang with such heartiness and + affection. There he might well have been born in the Lamproie house, which + belonged to his father, who, to judge from this circumstance, must have + been in easy circumstances, with the position of a well-to-do citizen. As + La Lamproie in the seventeenth century was a hostelry, the father of + Rabelais has been set down as an innkeeper. More probably he was an + apothecary, which would fit in with the medical profession adopted by his + son in after years. Rabelais had brothers, all older than himself. Perhaps + because he was the youngest, his father destined him for the Church. + </p> + <p> + The time he spent while a child with the Benedictine monks at Seuille is + uncertain. There he might have made the acquaintance of the prototype of + his Friar John, a brother of the name of Buinart, afterwards Prior of + Sermaize. He was longer at the Abbey of the Cordeliers at La Baumette, + half a mile from Angers, where he became a novice. As the brothers Du + Bellay, who were later his Maecenases, were then studying at the + University of Angers, where it is certain he was not a student, it is + doubtless from this youthful period that his acquaintance and alliance + with them should date. Voluntarily, or induced by his family, Rabelais now + embraced the ecclesiastical profession, and entered the monastery of the + Franciscan Cordeliers at Fontenay-le-Comte, in Lower Poitou, which was + honoured by his long sojourn at the vital period of his life when his + powers were ripening. There it was he began to study and to think, and + there also began his troubles. + </p> + <p> + In spite of the wide-spread ignorance among the monks of that age, the + encyclopaedic movement of the Renaissance was attracting all the lofty + minds. Rabelais threw himself into it with enthusiasm, and Latin antiquity + was not enough for him. Greek, a study discountenanced by the Church, + which looked on it as dangerous and tending to freethought and heresy, + took possession of him. To it he owed the warm friendship of Pierre Amy + and of the celebrated Guillaume Bude. In fact, the Greek letters of the + latter are the best source of information concerning this period of + Rabelais’ life. It was at Fontenay-le-Comte also that he became + acquainted with the Brissons and the great jurist Andre Tiraqueau, whom he + never mentions but with admiration and deep affection. Tiraqueau’s + treatise, De legibus connubialibus, published for the first time in 1513, + has an important bearing on the life of Rabelais. There we learn that, + dissatisfied with the incomplete translation of Herodotus by Laurent + Valla, Rabelais had retranslated into Latin the first book of the History. + That translation unfortunately is lost, as so many other of his scattered + works. It is probably in this direction that the hazard of fortune has + most discoveries and surprises in store for the lucky searcher. Moreover, + as in this law treatise Tiraqueau attacked women in a merciless fashion, + President Amaury Bouchard published in 1522 a book in their defence, and + Rabelais, who was a friend of both the antagonists, took the side of + Tiraqueau. It should be observed also in passing, that there are several + pages of such audacious plain-speaking, that Rabelais, though he did not + copy these in his Marriage of Panurge, has there been, in his own fashion, + as out spoken as Tiraqueau. If such freedom of language could be permitted + in a grave treatise of law, similar liberties were certainly, in the same + century, more natural in a book which was meant to amuse. + </p> + <p> + The great reproach always brought against Rabelais is not the want of + reserve of his language merely, but his occasional studied coarseness, + which is enough to spoil his whole work, and which lowers its value. La + Bruyere, in the chapter Des ouvrages de l’esprit, not in the first + edition of the Caracteres, but in the fifth, that is to say in 1690, at + the end of the great century, gives us on this subject his own opinion and + that of his age: + </p> + <p> + 'Marot and Rabelais are inexcusable in their habit of scattering filth + about their writings. Both of them had genius enough and wit enough to do + without any such expedient, even for the amusement of those persons who + look more to the laugh to be got out of a book than to what is admirable + in it. Rabelais especially is incomprehensible. His book is an enigma,—one + may say inexplicable. It is a Chimera; it is like the face of a lovely + woman with the feet and the tail of a reptile, or of some creature still + more loathsome. It is a monstrous confusion of fine and rare morality with + filthy corruption. Where it is bad, it goes beyond the worst; it is the + delight of the basest of men. Where it is good, it reaches the exquisite, + the very best; it ministers to the most delicate tastes.’ + </p> + <p> + Putting aside the rather slight connection established between two men of + whom one is of very little importance compared with the other, this is + otherwise very admirably said, and the judgment is a very just one, except + with regard to one point—the misunderstanding of the atmosphere in + which the book was created, and the ignoring of the examples of a similar + tendency furnished by literature as well as by the popular taste. Was it + not the Ancients that began it? Aristophanes, Catullus, Petronius, + Martial, flew in the face of decency in their ideas as well as in the + words they used, and they dragged after them in this direction not a few + of the Latin poets of the Renaissance, who believed themselves bound to + imitate them. Is Italy without fault in this respect? Her story-tellers in + prose lie open to easy accusation. Her Capitoli in verse go to incredible + lengths; and the astonishing success of Aretino must not be forgotten, nor + the licence of the whole Italian comic theatre of the sixteenth century. + The Calandra of Bibbiena, who was afterwards a Cardinal, and the + Mandragola of Machiavelli, are evidence enough, and these were played + before Popes, who were not a whit embarrassed. Even in England the drama + went very far for a time, and the comic authors of the reign of Charles + II., evidently from a reaction, and to shake off the excess and the + wearisomeness of Puritan prudery and affectation, which sent them to the + opposite extreme, are not exactly noted for their reserve. But we need not + go beyond France. Slight indications, very easily verified, are all that + may be set down here; a formal and detailed proof would be altogether too + dangerous. + </p> + <p> + Thus, for instance, the old Fabliaux—the Farces of the fifteenth + century, the story-tellers of the sixteenth—reveal one of the sides, + one of the veins, so to speak, of our literature. The art that addresses + itself to the eye had likewise its share of this coarseness. Think of the + sculptures on the capitals and the modillions of churches, and the crude + frankness of certain painted windows of the fifteenth century. Queen Anne + was, without any doubt, one of the most virtuous women in the world. Yet + she used to go up the staircase of her chateau at Blois, and her eyes were + not offended at seeing at the foot of a bracket a not very decent carving + of a monk and a nun. Neither did she tear out of her book of Hours the + large miniature of the winter month, in which, careless of her neighbours’ + eyes, the mistress of the house, sitting before her great fireplace, warms + herself in a fashion which it is not advisable that dames of our age + should imitate. The statue of Cybele by the Tribolo, executed for Francis + I., and placed, not against a wall, but in the middle of Queen Claude’s + chamber at Fontainebleau, has behind it an attribute which would have been + more in place on a statue of Priapus, and which was the symbol of + generativeness. The tone of the conversations was ordinarily of a + surprising coarseness, and the Precieuses, in spite of their absurdities, + did a very good work in setting themselves in opposition to it. The worthy + Chevalier de La-Tour-Landry, in his Instructions to his own daughters, + without a thought of harm, gives examples which are singular indeed, and + in Caxton’s translation these are not omitted. The Adevineaux + Amoureux, printed at Bruges by Colard Mansion, are astonishing indeed when + one considers that they were the little society diversions of the + Duchesses of Burgundy and of the great ladies of a court more luxurious + and more refined than the French court, which revelled in the Cent + Nouvelles of good King Louis XI. Rabelais’ pleasantry about the + woman folle a la messe is exactly in the style of the Adevineaux. + </p> + <p> + A later work than any of his, the Novelle of Bandello, should be kept in + mind—for the writer was Bishop of Agen, and his work was translated + into French—as also the Dames Galantes of Brantome. Read the Journal + of Heroard, that honest doctor, who day by day wrote down the details + concerning the health of Louis XIII. from his birth, and you will + understand the tone of the conversation of Henry IV. The jokes at a + country wedding are trifles compared with this royal coarseness. Le Moyen + de Parvenir is nothing but a tissue and a mass of filth, and the too + celebrated Cabinet Satyrique proves what, under Louis XIII., could be + written, printed, and read. The collection of songs formed by Clairambault + shows that the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries were no purer than the + sixteenth. Some of the most ribald songs are actually the work of + Princesses of the royal House. + </p> + <p> + It is, therefore, altogether unjust to make Rabelais the scapegoat, to + charge him alone with the sins of everybody else. He spoke as those of his + time used to speak; when amusing them he used their language to make + himself understood, and to slip in his asides, which without this sauce + would never have been accepted, would have found neither eyes nor ears. + Let us blame not him, therefore, but the manners of his time. + </p> + <p> + Besides, his gaiety, however coarse it may appear to us—and how rare + a thing is gaiety!—has, after all, nothing unwholesome about it; and + this is too often overlooked. Where does he tempt one to stray from duty? + Where, even indirectly, does he give pernicious advice? Whom has he led to + evil ways? Does he ever inspire feelings that breed misconduct and vice, + or is he ever the apologist of these? Many poets and romance writers, + under cover of a fastidious style, without one coarse expression, have + been really and actively hurtful; and of that it is impossible to accuse + Rabelais. Women in particular quickly revolt from him, and turn away + repulsed at once by the archaic form of the language and by the + outspokenness of the words. But if he be read aloud to them, omitting the + rougher parts and modernizing the pronunciation, it will be seen that they + too are impressed by his lively wit as by the loftiness of his thought. It + would be possible, too, to extract, for young persons, without + modification, admirable passages of incomparable force. But those who have + brought out expurgated editions of him, or who have thought to improve him + by trying to rewrite him in modern French, have been fools for their + pains, and their insulting attempts have had, and always will have, the + success they deserve. + </p> + <p> + His dedications prove to what extent his whole work was accepted. Not to + speak of his epistolary relations with Bude, with the Cardinal d’Armagnac + and with Pellissier, the ambassador of Francis I. and Bishop of + Maguelonne, or of his dedication to Tiraqueau of his Lyons edition of the + Epistolae Medicinales of Giovanni Manardi of Ferrara, of the one addressed + to the President Amaury Bouchard of the two legal texts which he believed + antique, there is still the evidence of his other and more important + dedications. In 1532 he dedicated his Hippocrates and his Galen to + Geoffroy d’Estissac, Bishop of Maillezais, to whom in 1535 and 1536 + he addressed from Rome the three news letters, which alone have been + preserved; and in 1534 he dedicated from Lyons his edition of the Latin + book of Marliani on the topography of Rome to Jean du Bellay (at that time + Bishop of Paris) who was raised to the Cardinalate in 1535. Beside these + dedications we must set the privilege of Francis I. of September, 1545, + and the new privilege granted by Henry II. on August 6th, 1550, Cardinal + de Chatillon present, for the third book, which was dedicated, in an + eight-lined stanza, to the Spirit of the Queen of Navarre. These + privileges, from the praises and eulogies they express in terms very + personal and very exceptional, are as important in Rabelais’ life as + were, in connection with other matters, the Apostolic Pastorals in his + favour. Of course, in these the popes had not to introduce his books of + diversions, which, nevertheless, would have seemed in their eyes but very + venial sins. The Sciomachie of 1549, an account of the festivities + arranged at Rome by Cardinal du Bellay in honour of the birth of the + second son of Henry II., was addressed to Cardinal de Guise, and in 1552 + the fourth book was dedicated, in a new prologue, to Cardinal de + Chatillon, the brother of Admiral de Coligny. + </p> + <p> + These are no unknown or insignificant personages, but the greatest lords + and princes of the Church. They loved and admired and protected Rabelais, + and put no restrictions in his way. Why should we be more fastidious and + severe than they were? Their high contemporary appreciation gives much + food for thought. + </p> + <p> + There are few translations of Rabelais in foreign tongues; and certainly + the task is no light one, and demands more than a familiarity with + ordinary French. It would have been easier in Italy than anywhere else. + Italian, from its flexibility and its analogy to French, would have lent + itself admirably to the purpose; the instrument was ready, but the hand + was not forthcoming. Neither is there any Spanish translation, a fact + which can be more easily understood. The Inquisition would have been a far + more serious opponent than the Paris’ Sorbonne, and no one ventured + on the experiment. Yet Rabelais forces comparison with Cervantes, whose + precursor he was in reality, though the two books and the two minds are + very different. They have only one point in common, their attack and + ridicule of the romances of chivalry and of the wildly improbable + adventures of knight-errants. But in Don Quixote there is not a single + detail which would suggest that Cervantes knew Rabelais’ book or + owed anything to it whatsoever, even the starting-point of his subject. + Perhaps it was better he should not have been influenced by him, in + however slight a degree; his originality is the more intact and the more + genial. + </p> + <p> + On the other hand, Rabelais has been several times translated into German. + In the present century Regis published at Leipsic, from 1831 to 1841, with + copious notes, a close and faithful translation. The first one cannot be + so described, that of Johann Fischart, a native of Mainz or Strasburg, who + died in 1614. He was a Protestant controversialist, and a satirist of + fantastic and abundant imagination. In 1575 appeared his translation of + Rabelais’ first book, and in 1590 he published the comic catalogue + of the library of Saint Victor, borrowed from the second book. It is not a + translation, but a recast in the boldest style, full of alterations and of + exaggerations, both as regards the coarse expressions which he took upon + himself to develop and to add to, and in the attacks on the Roman Catholic + Church. According to Jean Paul Richter, Fischart is much superior to + Rabelais in style and in the fruitfulness of his ideas, and his equal in + erudition and in the invention of new expressions after the manner of + Aristophanes. He is sure that his work was successful, because it was + often reprinted during his lifetime; but this enthusiasm of Jean Paul + would hardly carry conviction in France. Who treads in another’s + footprints must follow in the rear. Instead of a creator, he is but an + imitator. Those who take the ideas of others to modify them, and make of + them creations of their own, like Shakespeare in England, Moliere and La + Fontaine in France, may be superior to those who have served them with + suggestions; but then the new works must be altogether different, must + exist by themselves. Shakespeare and the others, when they imitated, may + be said always to have destroyed their models. These copyists, if we call + them so, created such works of genius that the only pity is they are so + rare. This is not the case with Fischart, but it would be none the less + curious were some one thoroughly familiar with German to translate + Fischart for us, or at least, by long extracts from him, give an idea of + the vagaries of German taste when it thought it could do better than + Rabelais. It is dangerous to tamper with so great a work, and he who does + so runs a great risk of burning his fingers. + </p> + <p> + England has been less daring, and her modesty and discretion have brought + her success. But, before speaking of Urquhart’s translation, it is + but right to mention the English-French Dictionary of Randle Cotgrave, the + first edition of which dates from 1611. It is in every way exceedingly + valuable, and superior to that of Nicot, because instead of keeping to the + plane of classic and Latin French, it showed an acquaintance with and + mastery of the popular tongue as well as of the written and learned + language. As a foreigner, Cotgrave is a little behind in his information. + He is not aware of all the changes and novelties of the passing fashion. + The Pleiad School he evidently knew nothing of, but kept to the writers of + the fifteenth and the first half of the sixteenth century. Thus words out + of Rabelais, which he always translates with admirable skill, are + frequent, and he attaches to them their author’s name. So Rabelais + had already crossed the Channel, and was read in his own tongue. Somewhat + later, during the full sway of the Commonwealth—and Maitre + Alcofribas Nasier must have been a surprising apparition in the midst of + Puritan severity—Captain Urquhart undertook to translate him and to + naturalize him completely in England. + </p> + <p> + Thomas Urquhart belonged to a very old family of good standing in the + North of Scotland. After studying in Aberdeen he travelled in France, + Spain, and Italy, where his sword was as active as that intelligent + curiosity of his which is evidenced by his familiarity with three + languages and the large library which he brought back, according to his + own account, from sixteen countries he had visited. + </p> + <p> + On his return to England he entered the service of Charles I., who + knighted him in 1641. Next year, after the death of his father, he went to + Scotland to set his family affairs in order, and to redeem his house in + Cromarty. But, in spite of another sojourn in foreign lands, his efforts + to free himself from pecuniary embarrassments were unavailing. At the king’s + death his Scottish loyalty caused him to side with those who opposed the + Parliament. Formally proscribed in 1649, taken prisoner at the defeat of + Worcester in 1651, stripped of all his belongings, he was brought to + London, but was released on parole at Cromwell’s recommendation. + After receiving permission to spend five months in Scotland to try once + more to settle his affairs, he came back to London to escape from his + creditors. And there he must have died, though the date of his death is + unknown. It probably took place after 1653, the date of the publication of + the two first books, and after having written the translation of the + third, which was not printed from his manuscript till the end of the + seventeenth century. + </p> + <p> + His life was therefore not without its troubles, and literary activity + must have been almost his only consolation. His writings reveal him as the + strangest character, fantastic, and full of a naive vanity, which, even at + the time he was translating the genealogy of Gargantua—surely well + calculated to cure any pondering on his own—caused him to trace his + unbroken descent from Adam, and to state that his family name was derived + from his ancestor Esormon, Prince of Achaia, 2139 B.C., who was surnamed + Ourochartos, that is to say the Fortunate and the Well-beloved. A Gascon + could not have surpassed this. + </p> + <p> + Gifted as he was, learned in many directions, an enthusiastic + mathematician, master of several languages, occasionally full of wit and + humour, and even good sense, yet he gave his books the strangest titles, + and his ideas were no less whimsical. His style is mystic, fastidious, and + too often of a wearisome length and obscurity; his verses rhyme anyhow, or + not at all; but vivacity, force and heat are never lacking, and the + Maitland Club did well in reprinting, in 1834, his various works, which + are very rare. Yet, in spite of their curious interest, he owes his real + distinction and the survival of his name to his translation of Rabelais. + </p> + <p> + The first two books appeared in 1653. The original edition, exceedingly + scarce, was carefully reprinted in 1838, only a hundred copies being + issued, by an English bibliophile T(heodore) M(artin), whose interesting + preface I regret to sum up so cursorily. At the end of the seventeenth + century, in 1693, a French refugee, Peter Antony Motteux, whose English + verses and whose plays are not without value, published in a little octavo + volume a reprint, very incorrect as to the text, of the first two books, + to which he added the third, from the manuscript found amongst Urquhart’s + papers. The success which attended this venture suggested to Motteux the + idea of completing the work, and a second edition, in two volumes, + appeared in 1708, with the translation of the fourth and fifth books, and + notes. Nineteen years after his death, John Ozell, translator on a large + scale of French, Italian, and Spanish authors, revised Motteux’s + edition, which he published in five volumes in 1737, adding Le Duchat’s + notes; and this version has often been reprinted since. + </p> + <p> + The continuation by Motteux, who was also the translator of Don Quixote, + has merits of its own. It is precise, elegant, and very faithful. Urquhart’s, + without taking liberties with Rabelais like Fischart, is not always so + closely literal and exact. Nevertheless, it is much superior to Motteux’s. + If Urquhart does not constantly adhere to the form of the expression, if + he makes a few slight additions, not only has he an understanding of the + original, but he feels it, and renders the sense with a force and a + vivacity full of warmth and brilliancy. His own learning made the + comprehension of the work easy to him, and his anglicization of words + fabricated by Rabelais is particularly successful. The necessity of + keeping to his text prevented his indulgence in the convolutions and + divagations dictated by his exuberant fancy when writing on his own + account. His style, always full of life and vigour, is here balanced, + lucid, and picturesque. Never elsewhere did he write so well. And thus the + translation reproduces the very accent of the original, besides possessing + a very remarkable character of its own. Such a literary tone and such + literary qualities are rarely found in a translation. Urquhart’s, + very useful for the interpretation of obscure passages, may, and indeed + should be read as a whole, both for Rabelais and for its own merits. + </p> + <p> + Holland, too, possesses a translation of Rabelais. They knew French in + that country in the seventeenth century better than they do to-day, and + there Rabelais’ works were reprinted when no editions were appearing + in France. This Dutch translation was published at Amsterdam in 1682, by + J. Tenhoorn. The name attached to it, Claudio Gallitalo (Claudius + French-Italian) must certainly be a pseudonym. Only a Dutch scholar could + identify the translator, and state the value to be assigned to his work. + </p> + <p> + Rabelais’ style has many different sources. Besides its force and + brilliancy, its gaiety, wit, and dignity, its abundant richness is no less + remarkable. It would be impossible and useless to compile a glossary of + Voltaire’s words. No French writer has used so few, and all of them + are of the simplest. There is not one of them that is not part of the + common speech, or which demands a note or an explanation. Rabelais’ + vocabulary, on the other hand, is of an astonishing variety. Where does it + all come from? As a fact, he had at his command something like three + languages, which he used in turn, or which he mixed according to the + effect he wished to produce. + </p> + <p> + First of all, of course, he had ready to his hand the whole speech of his + time, which had no secrets for him. Provincials have been too eager to + appropriate him, to make of him a local author, the pride of some village, + in order that their district might have the merit of being one of the + causes, one of the factors of his genius. Every neighbourhood where he + ever lived has declared that his distinction was due to his knowledge of + its popular speech. But these dialect-patriots have fallen out among + themselves. To which dialect was he indebted? Was it that of Touraine, or + Berri, or Poitou, or Paris? It is too often forgotten, in regard to French + patois—leaving out of count the languages of the South—that + the words or expressions that are no longer in use to-day are but a + survival, a still living trace of the tongue and the pronunciation of + other days. Rabelais, more than any other writer, took advantage of the + happy chances and the richness of the popular speech, but he wrote in + French, and nothing but French. That is why he remains so forcible, so + lucid, and so living, more living even—speaking only of his style + out of charity to the others—than any of his contemporaries. + </p> + <p> + It has been said that great French prose is solely the work of the + seventeenth century. There were nevertheless, before that, two men, + certainly very different and even hostile, who were its initiators and its + masters, Calvin on the one hand, on the other Rabelais. + </p> + <p> + Rabelais had a wonderful knowledge of the prose and the verse of the + fifteenth century: he was familiar with Villon, Pathelin, the Quinze Joies + de Mariage, the Cent Nouvelles, the chronicles and the romances, and even + earlier works, too, such as the Roman de la Rose. Their words, their turns + of expression came naturally to his pen, and added a piquancy and, as it + were, a kind of gloss of antique novelty to his work. He fabricated words, + too, on Greek and Latin models, with great ease, sometimes audaciously and + with needless frequency. These were for him so many means, so many + elements of variety. Sometimes he did this in mockery, as in the humorous + discourse of the Limousin scholar, for which he is not a little indebted + to Geoffroy Tory in the Champfleury; sometimes, on the contrary, + seriously, from a habit acquired in dealing with classical tongues. + </p> + <p> + Again, another reason of the richness of his vocabulary was that he + invented and forged words for himself. Following the example of + Aristophanes, he coined an enormous number of interminable words, droll + expressions, sudden and surprising constructions. What had made Greece and + the Athenians laugh was worth transporting to Paris. + </p> + <p> + With an instrument so rich, resources so endless, and the skill to use + them, it is no wonder that he could give voice to anything, be as humorous + as he could be serious, as comic as he could be grave, that he could + express himself and everybody else, from the lowest to the highest. He had + every colour on his palette, and such skill was in his fingers that he + could depict every variety of light and shade. + </p> + <p> + We have evidence that Rabelais did not always write in the same fashion. + The Chronique Gargantuaine is uniform in style and quite simple, but + cannot with certainty be attributed to him. His letters are bombastic and + thin; his few attempts at verse are heavy, lumbering, and obscure, + altogether lacking in harmony, and quite as bad as those of his friend, + Jean Bouchet. He had no gift of poetic form, as indeed is evident even + from his prose. And his letters from Rome to the Bishop of Maillezais, + interesting as they are in regard to the matter, are as dull, bare, flat, + and dry in style as possible. Without his signature no one would possibly + have thought of attributing them to him. He is only a literary artist when + he wishes to be such; and in his romance he changes the style completely + every other moment: it has no constant character or uniform manner, and + therefore unity is almost entirely wanting in his work, while his + endeavours after contrast are unceasing. There is throughout the whole the + evidence of careful and conscious elaboration. + </p> + <p> + Hence, however lucid and free be the style of his romance, and though its + flexibility and ease seem at first sight to have cost no trouble at all, + yet its merit lies precisely in the fact that it succeeds in concealing + the toil, in hiding the seams. He could not have reached this perfection + at a first attempt. He must have worked long at the task, revised it again + and again, corrected much, and added rather than cut away. The aptness of + form and expression has been arrived at by deliberate means, and owes + nothing to chance. Apart from the toning down of certain bold passages, to + soften their effect, and appease the storm—for these were not + literary alterations, but were imposed on him by prudence—one can + see how numerous are the variations in his text, how necessary it is to + take account of them, and to collect them. A good edition, of course, + would make no attempt at amalgamating these. That would give a false + impression and end in confusion; but it should note them all, and show + them all, not combined, but simply as variations. + </p> + <p> + After Le Duchat, all the editions, in their care that nothing should be + lost, made the mistake of collecting and placing side by side things which + had no connection with each other, which had even been substituted for + each other. The result was a fabricated text, full of contradictions + naturally. But since the edition issued by M. Jannet, the well-known + publisher of the Bibliotheque Elzevirienne, who was the first to get rid + of this patchwork, this mosaic, Rabelais’ latest text has been + given, accompanied by all the earlier variations, to show the changes he + made, as well as his suppressions and additions. It would also be possible + to reverse the method. It would be interesting to take his first text as + the basis, noting the later modifications. This would be quite as + instructive and really worth doing. Perhaps one might then see more + clearly with what care he made his revisions, after what fashion he + corrected, and especially what were the additions he made. + </p> + <p> + No more striking instance can be quoted than the admirable chapter about + the shipwreck. It was not always so long as Rabelais made it in the end: + it was much shorter at first. As a rule, when an author recasts some + passage that he wishes to revise, he does so by rewriting the whole, or at + least by interpolating passages at one stroke, so to speak. Nothing of the + kind is seen here. Rabelais suppressed nothing, modified nothing; he did + not change his plan at all. What he did was to make insertions, to slip in + between two clauses a new one. He expressed his meaning in a lengthier + way, and the former clause is found in its integrity along with the + additional one, of which it forms, as it were, the warp. It was by this + method of touching up the smallest details, by making here and there such + little noticeable additions, that he succeeded in heightening the effect + without either change or loss. In the end it looks as if he had altered + nothing, added nothing new, as if it had always been so from the first, + and had never been meddled with. + </p> + <p> + The comparison is most instructive, showing us to what an extent Rabelais’ + admirable style was due to conscious effort, care, and elaboration, a fact + which is generally too much overlooked, and how instead of leaving any + trace which would reveal toil and study, it has on the contrary a + marvellous cohesion, precision, and brilliancy. It was modelled and + remodelled, repaired, touched up, and yet it has all the appearance of + having been created at a single stroke, or of having been run like molten + wax into its final form. + </p> + <p> + Something should be said here of the sources from which Rabelais borrowed. + He was not the first in France to satirize the romances of chivalry. The + romance in verse by Baudouin de Sebourc, printed in recent years, was a + parody of the Chansons de Geste. In the Moniage Guillaume, and especially + in the Moniage Rainouart, in which there is a kind of giant, and + occasionally a comic giant, there are situations and scenes which remind + us of Rabelais. The kind of Fabliaux in mono-rhyme quatrains of the old + Aubery anticipate his coarse and popular jests. But all that is beside the + question; Rabelais did not know these. Nothing is of direct interest save + what was known to him, what fell under his eyes, what lay to his hand—as + the Facetiae of Poggio, and the last sermonnaires. In the course of one’s + reading one may often enough come across the origin of some of Rabelais’ + witticisms; here and there we may discover how he has developed a + situation. While gathering his materials wherever he could find them, he + was nevertheless profoundly original. + </p> + <p> + On this point much research and investigation might be employed. But there + is no need why these researches should be extended to the region of fancy. + Gargantua has been proved by some to be of Celtic origin. Very often he is + a solar myth, and the statement that Rabelais only collected popular + traditions and gave new life to ancient legends is said to be proved by + the large number of megalithic monuments to which is attached the name of + Gargantua. It was, of course, quite right to make a list of these, to draw + up, as it were, a chart of them, but the conclusion is not justified. The + name, instead of being earlier, is really later, and is a witness, not to + the origin, but to the success and rapid popularity of his novel. No one + has ever yet produced a written passage or any ancient testimony to prove + the existence of the name before Rabelais. To place such a tradition on a + sure basis, positive traces must be forthcoming; and they cannot be + adduced even for the most celebrated of these monuments, since he mentions + himself the great menhir near Poitiers, which he christened by the name of + Passelourdin. That there is something in the theory is possible. Perrault + found the subjects of his stories in the tales told by mothers and nurses. + He fixed them finally by writing them down. Floating about vaguely as they + were, he seized them, worked them up, gave them shape, and yet of scarcely + any of them is there to be found before his time a single trace. So we + must resign ourselves to know just as little of what Gargantua and + Pantagruel were before the sixteenth century. + </p> + <p> + In a book of a contemporary of Rabelais, the Legende de Pierre Faifeu by + the Angevin, Charles de Bourdigne, the first edition of which dates from + 1526 and the second 1531—both so rare and so forgotten that the work + is only known since the eighteenth century by the reprint of Custelier—in + the introductory ballad which recommends this book to readers, occur these + lines in the list of popular books which Faifeu would desire to replace: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +'Laissez ester Caillette le folastre, +Les quatre filz Aymon vestuz de bleu, +Gargantua qui a cheveux de plastre.’ +</pre> + <p> + He has not ‘cheveux de plastre’ in Rabelais. If the rhyme had + not suggested the phrase—and the exigencies of the strict form of + the ballade and its forced repetitions often imposed an idea which had its + whole origin in the rhyme—we might here see a dramatic trace found + nowhere else. The name of Pantagruel is mentioned too, incidentally, in a + Mystery of the fifteenth century. These are the only references to the + names which up till now have been discovered, and they are, as one sees, + of but little account. + </p> + <p> + On the other hand, the influence of Aristophanes and of Lucian, his + intimate acquaintance with nearly all the writers of antiquity, Greek as + well as Latin, with whom Rabelais is more permeated even than Montaigne, + were a mine of inspiration. The proof of it is everywhere. Pliny + especially was his encyclopaedia, his constant companion. All he says of + the Pantagruelian herb, though he amply developed it for himself, is taken + from Pliny’s chapter on flax. And there is a great deal more of this + kind to be discovered, for Rabelais does not always give it as quotation. + On the other hand, when he writes, ‘Such an one says,’ it + would be difficult enough to find who is meant, for the ‘such an one’ + is a fictitious writer. The method is amusing, but it is curious to + account of it. + </p> + <p> + The question of the Chronique Gargantuaine is still undecided. Is it by + Rabelais or by someone else? Both theories are defensible, and can be + supported by good reasons. In the Chronique everything is heavy, + occasionally meaningless, and nearly always insipid. Can the same man have + written the Chronique and Gargantua, replaced a book really commonplace by + a masterpiece, changed the facts and incidents, transformed a heavy icy + pleasantry into a work glowing with wit and life, made it no longer a mass + of laborious trifling and cold-blooded exaggerations but a satire on human + life of the highest genius? Still there are points common to the two. + Besides, Rabelais wrote other things; and it is only in his romance that + he shows literary skill. The conception of it would have entered his mind + first only in a bare and summary fashion. It would have been taken up + again, expanded, developed, metamorphosed. That is possible, and, for my + part, I am of those who, like Brunet and Nodier, are inclined to think + that the Chronique, in spite of its inferiority, is really a first + attempt, condemned as soon as the idea was conceived in another form. As + its earlier date is incontestable, we must conclude that if the Chronique + is not by him, his Gargantua and its continuation would not have existed + without it. This would be a great obligation to stand under to some + unknown author, and in that case it is astonishing that his enemies did + not reproach him during his lifetime with being merely an imitator and a + plagiarist. So there are reasons for and against his authorship of it, and + it would be dangerous to make too bold an assertion. + </p> + <p> + One fact which is absolutely certain and beyond all controversy, is that + Rabelais owed much to one of his contemporaries, an Italian, to the + Histoire Macaronique of Merlin Coccaie. Its author, Theophilus Folengo, + who was also a monk, was born in 1491, and died only a short time before + Rabelais, in 1544. But his burlesque poem was published in 1517. It was in + Latin verse, written in an elaborately fabricated style. It is not dog + Latin, but Latin ingeniously italianized, or rather Italian, even Mantuan, + latinized. The contrast between the modern form of the word and its Roman + garb produces the most amusing effect. In the original it is sometimes + difficult to read, for Folengo has no objection to using the most + colloquial words and phrases. + </p> + <p> + The subject is quite different. It is the adventures of Baldo, son of Guy + de Montauban, the very lively history of his youth, his trial, + imprisonment and deliverance, his journey in search of his father, during + which he visits the Planets and Hell. The narration is constantly + interrupted by incidental adventures. Occasionally they are what would be + called to-day very naturalistic, and sometimes they are madly extravagant. + </p> + <p> + But Fracasso, Baldo’s friend, is a giant; another friend, Cingar, + who delivers him, is Panurge exactly, and quite as much given to practical + joking. The women in the senile amour of the old Tognazzo, the judges, and + the poor sergeants, are no more gently dealt with by Folengo than by the + monk of the Iles d’Hyeres. If Dindenaut’s name does not occur, + there are the sheep. The tempest is there, and the invocation to all the + saints. Rabelais improves all he borrows, but it is from Folengo he + starts. He does not reproduce the words, but, like the Italian, he revels + in drinking scenes, junkettings, gormandizing, battles, scuffles, wounds + and corpses, magic, witches, speeches, repeated enumerations, lengthiness, + and a solemnly minute precision of impossible dates and numbers. The + atmosphere, the tone, the methods are the same, and to know Rabelais well, + you must know Folengo well too. + </p> + <p> + Detailed proof of this would be too lengthy a matter; one would have to + quote too many passages, but on this question of sources nothing is more + interesting than a perusal of the Opus Macaronicorum. It was translated + into French only in 1606—Paris, Gilley Robinot. This translation of + course cannot reproduce all the many amusing forms of words, but it is + useful, nevertheless, in showing more clearly the points of resemblance + between the two works,—how far in form, ideas, details, and phrases + Rabelais was permeated by Folengo. The anonymous translator saw this quite + well, and said so in his title, ‘Histoire macaronique de Merlin + Coccaie, prototype of Rabelais.’ It is nothing but the truth, and + Rabelais, who does not hide it from himself, on more than one occasion + mentions the name of Merlin Coccaie. + </p> + <p> + Besides, Rabelais was fed on the Italians of his time as on the Greeks and + Romans. Panurge, who owes much to Cingar, is also not free from + obligations to the miscreant Margutte in the Morgante Maggiore of Pulci. + Had Rabelais in his mind the tale from the Florentine Chronicles, how in + the Savonarola riots, when the Piagnoni and the Arrabiati came to blows in + the church of the Dominican convent of San-Marco, Fra Pietro in the + scuffle broke the heads of the assailants with the bronze crucifix he had + taken from the altar? A well-handled cross could so readily be used as a + weapon, that probably it has served as such more than once, and other and + even quite modern instances might be quoted. + </p> + <p> + But other Italian sources are absolutely certain. There are few more + wonderful chapters in Rabelais than the one about the drinkers. It is not + a dialogue: those short exclamations exploding from every side, all + referring to the same thing, never repeating themselves, and yet always + varying the same theme. At the end of the Novelle of Gentile Sermini of + Siena, there is a chapter called Il Giuoco della pugna, the Game of + Battle. Here are the first lines of it: ‘Apre, apre, apre. Chi + gioca, chi gioca —uh, uh!—A Porrione, a Porrione.—Viela, + viela; date a ognuno.—Alle mantella, alle mantella.—Oltre di + corsa; non vi fermate.—Voltate qui; ecco costoro; fate veli innanzi.—Viela, + viela; date costi.—Chi la fa? Io—Ed io.—Dagli; ah, ah, + buona fu.—Or cosi; alla mascella, al fianco. —Dagli basso; di + punta, di punta.—Ah, ah, buon gioco, buon gioco.’ + </p> + <p> + And thus it goes on with fire and animation for pages. Rabelais probably + translated or directly imitated it. He changed the scene; there was no + giuooco della pugna in France. He transferred to a drinking-bout this + clatter of exclamations which go off by themselves, which cross each other + and get no answer. He made a wonderful thing of it. But though he did not + copy Sermini, yet Sermini’s work provided him with the form of the + subject, and was the theme for Rabelais’ marvellous variations. + </p> + <p> + Who does not remember the fantastic quarrel of the cook with the poor + devil who had flavoured his dry bread with the smoke of the roast, and the + judgment of Seyny John, truly worthy of Solomon? It comes from the Cento + Novelle Antiche, rewritten from tales older than Boccaccio, and moreover + of an extreme brevity and dryness. They are only the framework, the notes, + the skeleton of tales. The subject is often wonderful, but nothing is made + of it: it is left unshaped. Rabelais wrote a version of one, the ninth. + The scene takes place, not at Paris, but at Alexandria in Egypt among the + Saracens, and the cook is called Fabrac. But the surprise at the end, the + sagacious judgment by which the sound of a piece of money was made the + price of the smoke, is the same. Now the first dated edition of the Cento + Novelle (which were frequently reprinted) appeared at Bologna in 1525, and + it is certain that Rabelais had read the tales. And there would be much + else of the same kind to learn if we knew Rabelais’ library. + </p> + <p> + A still stranger fact of this sort may be given to show how nothing came + amiss to him. He must have known, and even copied the Latin Chronicle of + the Counts of Anjou. It is accepted, and rightly so, as an historical + document, but that is no reason for thinking that the truth may not have + been manipulated and adorned. The Counts of Anjou were not saints. They + were proud, quarrelsome, violent, rapacious, and extravagant, as greedy as + they were charitable to the Church, treacherous and cruel. Yet their + anonymous panegyrist has made them patterns of all the virtues. In reality + it is both a history and in some sort a romance; especially is it a + collection of examples worthy of being followed, in the style of the + Cyropaedia, our Juvenal of the fifteenth century, and a little like + Fenelon’s Telemaque. Now in it there occurs the address of one of + the counts to those who rebelled against him and who were at his mercy. + Rabelais must have known it, for he has copied it, or rather, literally + translated whole lines of it in the wonderful speech of Gargantua to the + vanquished. His contemporaries, who approved of his borrowing from + antiquity, could not detect this one, because the book was not printed + till much later. But Rabelais lived in Maine. In Anjou, which often + figures among the localities he names, he must have met with and read the + Chronicles of the Counts in manuscript, probably in some monastery + library, whether at Fontenay-le-Comte or elsewhere it matters little. + There is not only a likeness in the ideas and tone, but in the words too, + which cannot be a mere matter of chance. He must have known the Chronicles + of the Counts of Anjou, and they inspired one of his finest pages. One + sees, therefore, how varied were the sources whence he drew, and how many + of them must probably always escape us. + </p> + <p> + When, as has been done for Moliere, a critical bibliography of the works + relating to Rabelais is drawn up—which, by the bye, will entail a + very great amount of labour—the easiest part will certainly be the + bibliography of the old editions. That is the section that has been most + satisfactorily and most completely worked out. M. Brunet said the last + word on the subject in his Researches in 1852, and in the important + article in the fifth edition of his Manuel du Libraire (iv., 1863, pp. + 1037-1071). + </p> + <p> + The facts about the fifth book cannot be summed up briefly. It was printed + as a whole at first, without the name of the place, in 1564, and next year + at Lyons by Jean Martin. It has given, and even still gives rise to two + contradictory opinions. Is it Rabelais’ or not? + </p> + <p> + First of all, if he had left it complete, would sixteen years have gone by + before it was printed? Then, does it bear evident marks of his + workmanship? Is the hand of the master visible throughout? Antoine Du + Verdier in the 1605 edition of his Prosopographie writes: ‘(Rabelais’) + misfortune has been that everybody has wished to “pantagruelize!” + and several books have appeared under his name, and have been added to his + works, which are not by him, as, for instance, l’Ile Sonnante, + written by a certain scholar of Valence and others.’ + </p> + <p> + The scholar of Valence might be Guillaume des Autels, to whom with more + certainty can be ascribed the authorship of a dull imitation of Rabelais, + the History of Fanfreluche and Gaudichon, published in 1578, which, to say + the least of it, is very much inferior to the fifth book. + </p> + <p> + Louis Guyon, in his Diverses Lecons, is still more positive: ‘As to + the last book which has been included in his works, entitled l’Ile + Sonnante, the object of which seems to be to find fault with and laugh at + the members and the authorities of the Catholic Church, I protest that he + did not compose it, for it was written long after his death. I was at + Paris when it was written, and I know quite well who was its author; he + was not a doctor.’ That is very emphatic, and it is impossible to + ignore it. + </p> + <p> + Yet everyone must recognize that there is a great deal of Rabelais in the + fifth book. He must have planned it and begun it. Remembering that in 1548 + he had published, not as an experiment, but rather as a bait and as an + announcement, the first eleven chapters of the fourth book, we may + conclude that the first sixteen chapters of the fifth book published by + themselves nine years after his death, in 1562, represent the remainder of + his definitely finished work. This is the more certain because these first + chapters, which contain the Apologue of the Horse and the Ass and the + terrible Furred Law-cats, are markedly better than what follows them. They + are not the only ones where the master’s hand may be traced, but + they are the only ones where no other hand could possibly have interfered. + </p> + <p> + In the remainder the sentiment is distinctly Protestant. Rabelais was much + struck by the vices of the clergy and did not spare them. Whether we are + unable to forgive his criticisms because they were conceived in a spirit + of raillery, or whether, on the other hand, we feel admiration for him on + this point, yet Rabelais was not in the least a sectary. If he strongly + desired a moral reform, indirectly pointing out the need of it in his + mocking fashion, he was not favourable to a political reform. Those who + would make of him a Protestant altogether forget that the Protestants of + his time were not for him, but against him. Henri Estienne, for instance, + Ramus, Theodore de Beze, and especially Calvin, should know how he was to + be regarded. Rabelais belonged to what may be called the early + reformation, to that band of honest men in the beginning of the sixteenth + century, precursors of the later one perhaps, but, like Erasmus, between + the two extremes. He was neither Lutheran nor Calvinist, neither German + nor Genevese, and it is quite natural that his work was not reprinted in + Switzerland, which would certainly have happened had the Protestants + looked on him as one of themselves. + </p> + <p> + That Rabelais collected the materials for the fifth book, had begun it, + and got on some way, there can be no doubt: the excellence of a large + number of passages prove it, but—taken as a whole—the fifth + book has not the value, the verve, and the variety of the others. The + style is quite different, less rich, briefer, less elaborate, drier, in + parts even wearisome. In the first four books Rabelais seldom repeats + himself. The fifth book contains from the point of view of the vocabulary + really the least novelty. On the contrary, it is full of words and + expressions already met with, which is very natural in an imitation, in a + copy, forced to keep to a similar tone, and to show by such reminders and + likenesses that it is really by the same pen. A very striking point is the + profound difference in the use of anatomical terms. In the other books + they are most frequently used in a humorous sense, and nonsensically, with + a quite other meaning than their own; in the fifth they are applied + correctly. It was necessary to include such terms to keep up the practice, + but the writer has not thought of using them to add to the comic effect: + one cannot always think of everything. Trouble has been taken, of course, + to include enumerations, but there are much fewer fabricated and fantastic + words. In short, the hand of the maker is far from showing the same + suppleness and strength. + </p> + <p> + A eulogistic quatrain is signed Nature quite, which, it is generally + agreed, is an anagram of Jean Turquet. Did the adapter of the fifth book + sign his work in this indirect fashion? He might be of the Genevese family + to whom Louis Turquet and his son Theodore belonged, both well-known, and + both strong Protestants. The obscurity relating to this matter is far from + being cleared up, and perhaps never will be. + </p> + <p> + It fell to my lot—here, unfortunately, I am forced to speak of a + personal matter—to print for the first time the manuscript of the + fifth book. At first it was hoped it might be in Rabelais’ own hand; + afterwards that it might be at least a copy of his unfinished work. The + task was a difficult one, for the writing, extremely flowing and rapid, is + execrable, and most difficult to decipher and to transcribe accurately. + Besides, it often happens in the sixteenth and the end of the fifteenth + century, that manuscripts are much less correct than the printed versions, + even when they have not been copied by clumsy and ignorant hands. In this + case, it is the writing of a clerk executed as quickly as possible. The + farther it goes the more incorrect it becomes, as if the writer were in + haste to finish. + </p> + <p> + What is really the origin of it? It has less the appearance of notes or + fragments prepared by Rabelais than of a first attempt at revision. It is + not an author’s rough draft; still less is it his manuscript. If I + had not printed this enigmatical text with scrupulous and painful + fidelity, I would do it now. It was necessary to do it so as to clear the + way. But as the thing is done, and accessible to those who may be + interested, and who wish to critically examine it, there is no further + need of reprinting it. All the editions of Rabelais continue, and rightly, + to reproduce the edition of 1564. It is not the real Rabelais, but however + open to criticism it may be, it was under that form that the fifth book + appeared in the sixteenth century, under that form it was accepted. + Consequently it is convenient and even necessary to follow and keep to the + original edition. + </p> + <p> + The first sixteen chapters may, and really must be, the text of Rabelais, + in the final form as left by him, and found after his death; the + framework, and a number of the passages in the continuation, the best + ones, of course, are his, but have been patched up and tampered with. + Nothing can have been suppressed of what existed; it was evidently thought + that everything should be admitted with the final revision; but the tone + was changed, additions were made, and ‘improvements.’ Adapters + are always strangely vain. + </p> + <p> + In the seventeenth century, the French printing-press, save for an edition + issued at Troyes in 1613, gave up publishing Rabelais, and the work passed + to foreign countries. Jean Fuet reprinted him at Antwerp in 1602. After + the Amsterdam edition of 1659, where for the first time appears ‘The + Alphabet of the French Author,’ comes the Elzevire edition of 1663. + The type, an imitation of what made the reputation of the little volumes + of the Gryphes of Lyons, is charming, the printing is perfect, and the + paper, which is French—the development of paper-making in Holland + and England did not take place till after the Revocation of the Edict of + Nantes—is excellent. They are pretty volumes to the eye, but, as in + all the reprints of the seventeenth century, the text is full of faults + and most untrustworthy. + </p> + <p> + France, through a representative in a foreign land, however, comes into + line again in the beginning of the eighteenth century, and in a really + serious fashion, thanks to the very considerable learning of a French + refugee, Jacob Le Duchat, who died in 1748. He had a most thorough + knowledge of the French prose-writers of the sixteenth century, and he + made them accessible by his editions of the Quinze Joies du Mariage, of + Henri Estienne, of Agrippa d’Aubigne, of L’Etoile, and of the + Satyre Menippee. In 1711 he published an edition of Rabelais at Amsterdam, + through Henry Bordesius, in five duodecimo volumes. The reprint in quarto + which he issued in 1741, seven years before his death, is, with its + engravings by Bernard Picot, a fine library edition. Le Duchat’s is + the first of the critical editions. It takes account of differences in the + texts, and begins to point out the variations. His very numerous notes are + remarkable, and are still worthy of most serious consideration. He was the + first to offer useful elucidations, and these have been repeated after + him, and with good reason will continue to be so. The Abbe de Massy’s + edition of 1752, also an Amsterdam production, has made use of Le Duchat’s + but does not take its place. Finally, at the end of the century, Cazin + printed Rabelais in his little volume, in 1782, and Bartiers issued two + editions (of no importance) at Paris in 1782 and 1798. Fortunately the + nineteenth century has occupied itself with the great ‘Satyrique’ + in a more competent and useful fashion. + </p> + <p> + In 1820 L’Aulnaye published through Desoer his three little volumes, + printed in exquisite style, and which have other merits besides. His + volume of annotations, in which, that nothing might be lost of his own + notes, he has included many things not directly relating to Rabelais, is + full of observations and curious remarks which are very useful additions + to Le Duchat. One fault to be found with him is his further complication + of the spelling. This he did in accordance with a principle that the words + should be referred to their real etymology. Learned though he was, + Rabelais had little care to be so etymological, and it is not his theories + but those of the modern scholar that have been ventilated. + </p> + <p> + Somewhat later, from 1823 to 1826, Esmangart and Johanneau issued a + variorum edition in nine volumes, in which the text is often encumbered by + notes which are really too numerous, and, above all, too long. The work + was an enormous one, but the best part of it is Le Duchat’s, and + what is not his is too often absolutely hypothetical and beside the truth. + Le Duchat had already given too much importance to the false historical + explanation. Here it is constantly coming in, and it rests on no evidence. + In reality, there is no need of the key to Rabelais by which to discover + the meaning of subtle allusions. He is neither so complicated nor so full + of riddles. We know how he has scattered the names of contemporaries about + his work, sometimes of friends, sometimes of enemies, and without + disguising them under any mask. He is no more Panurge than Louis XII. is + Gargantua or Francis I. Pantagruel. Rabelais says what he wants, all he + wants, and in the way he wants. There are no mysteries below the surface, + and it is a waste of time to look for knots in a bulrush. All the + historical explanations are purely imaginary, utterly without proof, and + should the more emphatically be looked on as baseless and dismissed. They + are radically false, and therefore both worthless and harmful. + </p> + <p> + In 1840 there appeared in the Bibliotheque Charpentier the Rabelais in a + single duodecimo volume, begun by Charles Labiche, and, after his death, + completed by M. Paul Lacroix, whose share is the larger. The text is that + of L’Aulnaye; the short footnotes, with all their brevity, contain + useful explanations of difficult words. Amongst the editions of Rabelais + this is one of the most important, because it brought him many readers and + admirers. No other has made him so well and so widely known as this + portable volume, which has been constantly reprinted. No other has been so + widely circulated, and the sale still goes on. It was, and must still be + looked on as a most serviceable edition. + </p> + <p> + The edition published by Didot in 1857 has an altogether special + character. In the biographical notice M. Rathery for the first time + treated as they deserve the foolish prejudices which have made Rabelais + misunderstood, and M. Burgaud des Marets set the text on a quite new base. + Having proved, what of course is very evident, that in the original + editions the spelling, and the language too, were of the simplest and + clearest, and were not bristling with the nonsensical and superfluous + consonants which have given rise to the idea that Rabelais is difficult to + read, he took the trouble first of all to note the spelling of each word. + Whenever in a single instance he found it in accordance with modern + spelling, he made it the same throughout. The task was a hard one, and + Rabelais certainly gained in clearness, but over-zeal is often fatal to a + reform. In respect to its precision and the value of its notes, which are + short and very judicious, Burgaud des Marets’ edition is valuable, + and is amongst those which should be known and taken into account. + </p> + <p> + Since Le Duchat all the editions have a common fault. They are not exactly + guilty of fabricating, but they set up an artificial text in the sense + that, in order to lose as little as possible, they have collected and + united what originally were variations—the revisions, in short, of + the original editions. Guided by the wise counsels given by Brunet in 1852 + in his Researches on the old editions of Rabelais, Pierre Jannet published + the first three books in 1858; then, when the publication of the + Bibliotheque Elzevirienne was discontinued, he took up the work again and + finished the edition in Picard’s blue library, in little volumes, + each book quite distinct. It was M. Jannet who in our days first restored + the pure and exact text of Rabelais, not only without retouching it, but + without making additions or insertions, or juxtaposition of things that + were not formerly found together. For each of the books he has followed + the last edition issued by Rabelais, and all the earlier differences he + gives as variations. It is astonishing that a thing so simple and so + fitting should not have been done before, and the result is that this + absolutely exact fidelity has restored a lucidity which was not wanting in + Rabelais’s time, but which had since been obscured. All who have + come after Jannet have followed in his path, and there is no reason for + straying from it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + FRANCIS RABELAIS. + </h2> + <p> + THE FIRST BOOK. + </p> + <p> + To the Honoured, Noble Translator of Rabelais. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Rabelais, whose wit prodigiously was made, +All men, professions, actions to invade, +With so much furious vigour, as if it +Had lived o’er each of them, and each had quit, +Yet with such happy sleight and careless skill, +As, like the serpent, doth with laughter kill, +So that although his noble leaves appear +Antic and Gottish, and dull souls forbear +To turn them o’er, lest they should only find +Nothing but savage monsters of a mind,— +No shapen beauteous thoughts; yet when the wise +Seriously strip him of his wild disguise, +Melt down his dross, refine his massy ore, +And polish that which seem’d rough-cast before, +Search his deep sense, unveil his hidden mirth, +And make that fiery which before seem’d earth +(Conquering those things of highest consequence, +What’s difficult of language or of sense), +He will appear some noble table writ +In the old Egyptian hieroglyphic wit; +Where, though you monsters and grotescoes see, +You meet all mysteries of philosophy. +For he was wise and sovereignly bred +To know what mankind is, how ‘t may be led: +He stoop’d unto them, like that wise man, who +Rid on a stick, when ‘s children would do so. +For we are easy sullen things, and must +Be laugh’d aright, and cheated into trust; +Whilst a black piece of phlegm, that lays about +Dull menaces, and terrifies the rout, +And cajoles it, with all its peevish strength +Piteously stretch’d and botch’d up into length, +Whilst the tired rabble sleepily obey +Such opiate talk, and snore away the day, +By all his noise as much their minds relieves, +As caterwauling of wild cats frights thieves. +But Rabelais was another thing, a man +Made up of all that art and nature can +Form from a fiery genius,—he was one +Whose soul so universally was thrown +Through all the arts of life, who understood +Each stratagem by which we stray from good; +So that he best might solid virtue teach, +As some ‘gainst sins of their own bosoms preach: +He from wise choice did the true means prefer, +In the fool’s coat acting th’ philosopher. +Thus hoary Aesop’s beasts did mildly tame +Fierce man, and moralize him into shame; +Thus brave romances, while they seem to lay +Great trains of lust, platonic love display; +Thus would old Sparta, if a seldom chance +Show’d a drunk slave, teach children temperance; +Thus did the later poets nobly bring +The scene to height, making the fool the king. +And, noble sir, you vigorously have trod +In this hard path, unknown, un-understood +By its own countrymen, ‘tis you appear +Our full enjoyment which was our despair, +Scattering his mists, cheering his cynic frowns +(For radiant brightness now dark Rabelais crowns), +Leaving your brave heroic cares, which must +Make better mankind and embalm your dust, +So undeceiving us, that now we see +All wit in Gascon and in Cromarty, +Besides that Rabelais is convey’d to us, +And that our Scotland is not barbarous. + +J. De la Salle. +</pre> + <p> + Rablophila. + </p> + <p> + The First Decade. + </p> + <p> + The Commendation. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Musa! canas nostrorum in testimonium Amorum, +Et Gargantueas perpetuato faces, +Utque homini tali resultet nobilis Eccho: +Quicquid Fama canit, Pantagruelis erit. +</pre> + <p> + The Argument. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Here I intend mysteriously to sing +With a pen pluck’d from Fame’s own wing, +Of Gargantua that learn’d breech-wiping king. +</pre> + <p> + Decade the First. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +I. + +Help me, propitious stars; a mighty blaze +Benumbs me! I must sound the praise +Of him hath turn’d this crabbed work in such heroic phrase. + +II. + +What wit would not court martyrdom to hold +Upon his head a laurel of gold, +Where for each rich conceit a Pumpion-pearl is told: + +III. + +And such a one is this, art’s masterpiece, +A thing ne’er equall’d by old Greece: +A thing ne’er match’d as yet, a real Golden Fleece. + +IV. + +Vice is a soldier fights against mankind; +Which you may look but never find: +For ‘tis an envious thing, with cunning interlined. + +V. + +And thus he rails at drinking all before ‘em, +And for lewd women does be-whore ‘em, +And brings their painted faces and black patches to th’ quorum. + +VI. + +To drink he was a furious enemy +Contented with a six-penny— +(with diamond hatband, silver spurs, six horses.) pie— + +VII. + +And for tobacco’s pate-rotunding smoke, +Much had he said, and much more spoke, +But ‘twas not then found out, so the design was broke. + +VIII. + +Muse! Fancy! Faith! come now arise aloud, +Assembled in a blue-vein’d cloud, +And this tall infant in angelic arms now shroud. + +IX. + +To praise it further I would now begin +Were ‘t now a thoroughfare and inn, +It harbours vice, though ‘t be to catch it in a gin. + +X. + +Therefore, my Muse, draw up thy flowing sail, +And acclamate a gentle hail +With all thy art and metaphors, which must prevail. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Jam prima Oceani pars est praeterita nostri. +Imparibus restat danda secunda modis. +Quam si praestiterit mentem Daemon malus addam, +Cum sapiens totus prodierit Rabelais. + +Malevolus. +</pre> + <p> + (Reader, the Errata, which in this book are not a few, are casually lost; + and therefore the Translator, not having leisure to collect them again, + craves thy pardon for such as thou may’st meet with.) + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0005" id="image-0005"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/prologue1.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Prologue1" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <h2> + The Author’s Prologue to the First Book. + </h2> + <p> + Most noble and illustrious drinkers, and you thrice precious pockified + blades (for to you, and none else, do I dedicate my writings), Alcibiades, + in that dialogue of Plato’s, which is entitled The Banquet, whilst + he was setting forth the praises of his schoolmaster Socrates (without all + question the prince of philosophers), amongst other discourses to that + purpose, said that he resembled the Silenes. Silenes of old were little + boxes, like those we now may see in the shops of apothecaries, painted on + the outside with wanton toyish figures, as harpies, satyrs, bridled geese, + horned hares, saddled ducks, flying goats, thiller harts, and other + such-like counterfeited pictures at discretion, to excite people unto + laughter, as Silenus himself, who was the foster-father of good Bacchus, + was wont to do; but within those capricious caskets were carefully + preserved and kept many rich jewels and fine drugs, such as balm, + ambergris, amomon, musk, civet, with several kinds of precious stones, and + other things of great price. Just such another thing was Socrates. For to + have eyed his outside, and esteemed of him by his exterior appearance, you + would not have given the peel of an onion for him, so deformed he was in + body, and ridiculous in his gesture. He had a sharp pointed nose, with the + look of a bull, and countenance of a fool: he was in his carriage simple, + boorish in his apparel, in fortune poor, unhappy in his wives, unfit for + all offices in the commonwealth, always laughing, tippling, and merrily + carousing to everyone, with continual gibes and jeers, the better by those + means to conceal his divine knowledge. Now, opening this box you would + have found within it a heavenly and inestimable drug, a more than human + understanding, an admirable virtue, matchless learning, invincible + courage, unimitable sobriety, certain contentment of mind, perfect + assurance, and an incredible misregard of all that for which men commonly + do so much watch, run, sail, fight, travel, toil and turmoil themselves. + </p> + <p> + Whereunto (in your opinion) doth this little flourish of a preamble tend? + For so much as you, my good disciples, and some other jolly fools of ease + and leisure, reading the pleasant titles of some books of our invention, + as Gargantua, Pantagruel, Whippot (Fessepinte.), the Dignity of Codpieces, + of Pease and Bacon with a Commentary, &c., are too ready to judge that + there is nothing in them but jests, mockeries, lascivious discourse, and + recreative lies; because the outside (which is the title) is usually, + without any farther inquiry, entertained with scoffing and derision. But + truly it is very unbeseeming to make so slight account of the works of + men, seeing yourselves avouch that it is not the habit makes the monk, + many being monasterially accoutred, who inwardly are nothing less than + monachal, and that there are of those that wear Spanish capes, who have + but little of the valour of Spaniards in them. Therefore is it, that you + must open the book, and seriously consider of the matter treated in it. + Then shall you find that it containeth things of far higher value than the + box did promise; that is to say, that the subject thereof is not so + foolish as by the title at the first sight it would appear to be. + </p> + <p> + And put the case, that in the literal sense you meet with purposes merry + and solacious enough, and consequently very correspondent to their + inscriptions, yet must not you stop there as at the melody of the charming + syrens, but endeavour to interpret that in a sublimer sense which possibly + you intended to have spoken in the jollity of your heart. Did you ever + pick the lock of a cupboard to steal a bottle of wine out of it? Tell me + truly, and, if you did, call to mind the countenance which then you had. + Or, did you ever see a dog with a marrowbone in his mouth,—the beast + of all other, says Plato, lib. 2, de Republica, the most philosophical? If + you have seen him, you might have remarked with what devotion and + circumspectness he wards and watcheth it: with what care he keeps it: how + fervently he holds it: how prudently he gobbets it: with what affection he + breaks it: and with what diligence he sucks it. To what end all this? What + moveth him to take all these pains? What are the hopes of his labour? What + doth he expect to reap thereby? Nothing but a little marrow. True it is, + that this little is more savoury and delicious than the great quantities + of other sorts of meat, because the marrow (as Galen testifieth, 5. + facult. nat. & 11. de usu partium) is a nourishment most perfectly + elaboured by nature. + </p> + <p> + In imitation of this dog, it becomes you to be wise, to smell, feel and + have in estimation these fair goodly books, stuffed with high conceptions, + which, though seemingly easy in the pursuit, are in the cope and encounter + somewhat difficult. And then, like him, you must, by a sedulous lecture, + and frequent meditation, break the bone, and suck out the marrow,—that + is, my allegorical sense, or the things I to myself propose to be + signified by these Pythagorical symbols, with assured hope, that in so + doing you will at last attain to be both well-advised and valiant by the + reading of them: for in the perusal of this treatise you shall find + another kind of taste, and a doctrine of a more profound and abstruse + consideration, which will disclose unto you the most glorious sacraments + and dreadful mysteries, as well in what concerneth your religion, as + matters of the public state, and life economical. + </p> + <p> + Do you believe, upon your conscience, that Homer, whilst he was a-couching + his Iliads and Odysses, had any thought upon those allegories, which + Plutarch, Heraclides Ponticus, Eustathius, Cornutus squeezed out of him, + and which Politian filched again from them? If you trust it, with neither + hand nor foot do you come near to my opinion, which judgeth them to have + been as little dreamed of by Homer, as the Gospel sacraments were by Ovid + in his Metamorphoses, though a certain gulligut friar (Frere Lubin + croquelardon.) and true bacon-picker would have undertaken to prove it, if + perhaps he had met with as very fools as himself, (and as the proverb + says) a lid worthy of such a kettle. + </p> + <p> + If you give no credit thereto, why do not you the same in these jovial new + chronicles of mine? Albeit when I did dictate them, I thought upon no more + than you, who possibly were drinking the whilst as I was. For in the + composing of this lordly book, I never lost nor bestowed any more, nor any + other time than what was appointed to serve me for taking of my bodily + refection, that is, whilst I was eating and drinking. And indeed that is + the fittest and most proper hour wherein to write these high matters and + deep sciences: as Homer knew very well, the paragon of all philologues, + and Ennius, the father of the Latin poets, as Horace calls him, although a + certain sneaking jobernol alleged that his verses smelled more of the wine + than oil. + </p> + <p> + So saith a turlupin or a new start-up grub of my books, but a turd for + him. The fragrant odour of the wine, O how much more dainty, pleasant, + laughing (Riant, priant, friant.), celestial and delicious it is, than + that smell of oil! And I will glory as much when it is said of me, that I + have spent more on wine than oil, as did Demosthenes, when it was told + him, that his expense on oil was greater than on wine. I truly hold it for + an honour and praise to be called and reputed a Frolic Gualter and a Robin + Goodfellow; for under this name am I welcome in all choice companies of + Pantagruelists. It was upbraided to Demosthenes by an envious surly knave, + that his Orations did smell like the sarpler or wrapper of a foul and + filthy oil-vessel. For this cause interpret you all my deeds and sayings + in the perfectest sense; reverence the cheese-like brain that feeds you + with these fair billevezees and trifling jollities, and do what lies in + you to keep me always merry. Be frolic now, my lads, cheer up your hearts, + and joyfully read the rest, with all the ease of your body and profit of + your reins. But hearken, joltheads, you viedazes, or dickens take ye, + remember to drink a health to me for the like favour again, and I will + pledge you instantly, Tout ares-metys. + </p> + <p> + Rabelais to the Reader. + </p> + <p> + Good friends, my Readers, who peruse this Book, Be not offended, whilst on + it you look: Denude yourselves of all depraved affection, For it contains + no badness, nor infection: ‘Tis true that it brings forth to you no + birth Of any value, but in point of mirth; Thinking therefore how sorrow + might your mind Consume, I could no apter subject find; One inch of joy + surmounts of grief a span; Because to laugh is proper to the man. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.I.—Of the Genealogy and Antiquity of Gargantua. + </h2> + <p> + I must refer you to the great chronicle of Pantagruel for the knowledge of + that genealogy and antiquity of race by which Gargantua is come unto us. + In it you may understand more at large how the giants were born in this + world, and how from them by a direct line issued Gargantua, the father of + Pantagruel: and do not take it ill, if for this time I pass by it, + although the subject be such, that the oftener it were remembered, the + more it would please your worshipful Seniorias; according to which you + have the authority of Plato in Philebo and Gorgias; and of Flaccus, who + says that there are some kinds of purposes (such as these are without + doubt), which, the frequentlier they be repeated, still prove the more + delectable. + </p> + <p> + Would to God everyone had as certain knowledge of his genealogy since the + time of the ark of Noah until this age. I think many are at this day + emperors, kings, dukes, princes, and popes on the earth, whose extraction + is from some porters and pardon-pedlars; as, on the contrary, many are now + poor wandering beggars, wretched and miserable, who are descended of the + blood and lineage of great kings and emperors, occasioned, as I conceive + it, by the transport and revolution of kingdoms and empires, from the + Assyrians to the Medes, from the Medes to the Persians, from the Persians + to the Macedonians, from the Macedonians to the Romans, from the Romans to + the Greeks, from the Greeks to the French. + </p> + <p> + And to give you some hint concerning myself, who speaks unto you, I cannot + think but I am come of the race of some rich king or prince in former + times; for never yet saw you any man that had a greater desire to be a + king, and to be rich, than I have, and that only that I may make good + cheer, do nothing, nor care for anything, and plentifully enrich my + friends, and all honest and learned men. But herein do I comfort myself, + that in the other world I shall be so, yea and greater too than at this + present I dare wish. As for you, with the same or a better conceit + consolate yourselves in your distresses, and drink fresh if you can come + by it. + </p> + <p> + To return to our wethers, I say that by the sovereign gift of heaven, the + antiquity and genealogy of Gargantua hath been reserved for our use more + full and perfect than any other except that of the Messias, whereof I mean + not to speak; for it belongs not unto my purpose, and the devils, that is + to say, the false accusers and dissembled gospellers, will therein oppose + me. This genealogy was found by John Andrew in a meadow, which he had near + the pole-arch, under the olive-tree, as you go to Narsay: where, as he was + making cast up some ditches, the diggers with their mattocks struck + against a great brazen tomb, and unmeasurably long, for they could never + find the end thereof, by reason that it entered too far within the sluices + of Vienne. Opening this tomb in a certain place thereof, sealed on the top + with the mark of a goblet, about which was written in Etrurian letters Hic + Bibitur, they found nine flagons set in such order as they use to rank + their kyles in Gascony, of which that which was placed in the middle had + under it a big, fat, great, grey, pretty, small, mouldy, little pamphlet, + smelling stronger, but no better than roses. In that book the said + genealogy was found written all at length, in a chancery hand, not in + paper, not in parchment, nor in wax, but in the bark of an elm-tree, yet + so worn with the long tract of time, that hardly could three letters + together be there perfectly discerned. + </p> + <p> + I (though unworthy) was sent for thither, and with much help of those + spectacles, whereby the art of reading dim writings, and letters that do + not clearly appear to the sight, is practised, as Aristotle teacheth it, + did translate the book as you may see in your Pantagruelizing, that is to + say, in drinking stiffly to your own heart’s desire, and reading the + dreadful and horrific acts of Pantagruel. At the end of the book there was + a little treatise entitled the Antidoted Fanfreluches, or a Galimatia of + extravagant conceits. The rats and moths, or (that I may not lie) other + wicked beasts, had nibbled off the beginning: the rest I have hereto + subjoined, for the reverence I bear to antiquity. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.II.—-The Antidoted Fanfreluches: or, a Galimatia of + extravagant Conceits found in an ancient Monument. + </h2> + <p> + No sooner did the Cymbrians’ overcomer Pass through the air to shun + the dew of summer, But at his coming straight great tubs were fill’d, + With pure fresh butter down in showers distill’d: Wherewith when + water’d was his grandam, Hey, Aloud he cried, Fish it, sir, I pray y’; + Because his beard is almost all beray’d; Or, that he would hold to + ‘m a scale, he pray’d. + </p> + <p> + To lick his slipper, some told was much better, Than to gain pardons, and + the merit greater. In th’ interim a crafty chuff approaches, From + the depth issued, where they fish for roaches; Who said, Good sirs, some + of them let us save, The eel is here, and in this hollow cave You’ll + find, if that our looks on it demur, A great waste in the bottom of his + fur. + </p> + <p> + To read this chapter when he did begin, Nothing but a calf’s horns + were found therein; I feel, quoth he, the mitre which doth hold My head so + chill, it makes my brains take cold. Being with the perfume of a turnip + warm’d, To stay by chimney hearths himself he arm’d, Provided + that a new thill-horse they made Of every person of a hair-brain’d + head. + </p> + <p> + They talked of the bunghole of Saint Knowles, Of Gilbathar and thousand + other holes, If they might be reduced t’ a scarry stuff, Such as + might not be subject to the cough: Since ev’ry man unseemly did it + find, To see them gaping thus at ev’ry wind: For, if perhaps they + handsomely were closed, For pledges they to men might be exposed. + </p> + <p> + In this arrest by Hercules the raven Was flayed at her (his) return from + Lybia haven. Why am not I, said Minos, there invited? Unless it be myself, + not one’s omitted: And then it is their mind, I do no more Of frogs + and oysters send them any store: In case they spare my life and prove but + civil, I give their sale of distaffs to the devil. + </p> + <p> + To quell him comes Q.B., who limping frets At the safe pass of tricksy + crackarets: The boulter, the grand Cyclops’ cousin, those Did + massacre, whilst each one wiped his nose: Few ingles in this fallow ground + are bred, But on a tanner’s mill are winnowed. Run thither all of + you, th’ alarms sound clear, You shall have more than you had the + last year. + </p> + <p> + Short while thereafter was the bird of Jove Resolved to speak, though + dismal it should prove; Yet was afraid, when he saw them in ire, They + should o’erthrow quite flat down dead th’ empire. He rather + choosed the fire from heaven to steal, To boats where were red herrings + put to sale; Than to be calm ‘gainst those, who strive to brave us, + And to the Massorets’ fond words enslave us. + </p> + <p> + All this at last concluded gallantly, In spite of Ate and her hern-like + thigh, Who, sitting, saw Penthesilea ta’en, In her old age, for a + cress-selling quean. Each one cried out, Thou filthy collier toad, Doth it + become thee to be found abroad? Thou hast the Roman standard filch’d + away, Which they in rags of parchment did display. + </p> + <p> + Juno was born, who, under the rainbow, Was a-bird-catching with her duck + below: When her with such a grievous trick they plied That she had almost + been bethwacked by it. The bargain was, that, of that throatful, she + Should of Proserpina have two eggs free; And if that she thereafter should + be found, She to a hawthorn hill should be fast bound. + </p> + <p> + Seven months thereafter, lacking twenty-two, He, that of old did Carthage + town undo, Did bravely midst them all himself advance, Requiring of them + his inheritance; Although they justly made up the division, According to + the shoe-welt-law’s decision, By distributing store of brews and + beef To these poor fellows that did pen the brief. + </p> + <p> + But th’ year will come, sign of a Turkish bow, Five spindles yarn’d, + and three pot-bottoms too, Wherein of a discourteous king the dock Shall + pepper’d be under an hermit’s frock. Ah! that for one she + hypocrite you must Permit so many acres to be lost! Cease, cease, this + vizard may become another, Withdraw yourselves unto the serpent’s + brother. + </p> + <p> + 'Tis in times past, that he who is shall reign With his good friends in + peace now and again. No rash nor heady prince shall then rule crave, Each + good will its arbitrement shall have; And the joy, promised of old as doom + To the heaven’s guests, shall in its beacon come. Then shall the + breeding mares, that benumb’d were, Like royal palfreys ride + triumphant there. + </p> + <p> + And this continue shall from time to time, Till Mars be fetter’d for + an unknown crime; Then shall one come, who others will surpass, + Delightful, pleasing, matchless, full of grace. Cheer up your hearts, + approach to this repast, All trusty friends of mine; for he’s + deceased, Who would not for a world return again, So highly shall time + past be cried up then. + </p> + <p> + He who was made of wax shall lodge each member Close by the hinges of a + block of timber. We then no more shall Master, master, whoot, The swagger, + who th’ alarum bell holds out; Could one seize on the dagger which + he bears, Heads would be free from tingling in the ears, To baffle the + whole storehouse of abuses. The thus farewell Apollo and the Muses. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.III.—How Gargantua was carried eleven months in his mother’s + belly. + </h2> + <p> + Grangousier was a good fellow in his time, and notable jester; he loved to + drink neat, as much as any man that then was in the world, and would + willingly eat salt meat. To this intent he was ordinarily well furnished + with gammons of bacon, both of Westphalia, Mayence and Bayonne, with store + of dried neat’s tongues, plenty of links, chitterlings and puddings + in their season; together with salt beef and mustard, a good deal of hard + roes of powdered mullet called botargos, great provision of sausages, not + of Bolonia (for he feared the Lombard Boccone), but of Bigorre, + Longaulnay, Brene, and Rouargue. In the vigour of his age he married + Gargamelle, daughter to the King of the Parpaillons, a jolly pug, and + well-mouthed wench. These two did oftentimes do the two-backed beast + together, joyfully rubbing and frotting their bacon ‘gainst one + another, in so far, that at last she became great with child of a fair + son, and went with him unto the eleventh month; for so long, yea longer, + may a woman carry her great belly, especially when it is some masterpiece + of nature, and a person predestinated to the performance, in his due time, + of great exploits. As Homer says, that the child, which Neptune begot upon + the nymph, was born a whole year after the conception, that is, in the + twelfth month. For, as Aulus Gellius saith, lib. 3, this long time was + suitable to the majesty of Neptune, that in it the child might receive his + perfect form. For the like reason Jupiter made the night, wherein he lay + with Alcmena, last forty-eight hours, a shorter time not being sufficient + for the forging of Hercules, who cleansed the world of the monsters and + tyrants wherewith it was suppressed. My masters, the ancient + Pantagruelists, have confirmed that which I say, and withal declared it to + be not only possible, but also maintained the lawful birth and + legitimation of the infant born of a woman in the eleventh month after the + decease of her husband. Hypocrates, lib. de alimento. Plinius, lib. 7, + cap. 5. Plautus, in his Cistelleria. Marcus Varro, in his satire inscribed + The Testament, alleging to this purpose the authority of Aristotle. + Censorinus, lib. de die natali. Arist. lib. 7, cap. 3 & 4, de natura + animalium. Gellius, lib. 3, cap. 16. Servius, in his exposition upon this + verse of Virgil’s eclogues, Matri longa decem, &c., and a + thousand other fools, whose number hath been increased by the lawyers ff. + de suis, et legit l. intestato. paragrapho. fin. and in Auth. de restitut. + et ea quae parit in xi mense. Moreover upon these grounds they have + foisted in their Robidilardic, or Lapiturolive law. Gallus ff. de lib. et + posth. l. sept. ff. de stat. hom., and some other laws, which at this time + I dare not name. By means whereof the honest widows may without danger + play at the close buttock game with might and main, and as hard as they + can, for the space of the first two months after the decease of their + husbands. I pray you, my good lusty springal lads, if you find any of + these females, that are worth the pains of untying the codpiece-point, get + up, ride upon them, and bring them to me; for, if they happen within the + third month to conceive, the child should be heir to the deceased, if, + before he died, he had no other children, and the mother shall pass for an + honest woman. + </p> + <p> + When she is known to have conceived, thrust forward boldly, spare her not, + whatever betide you, seeing the paunch is full. As Julia, the daughter of + the Emperor Octavian, never prostituted herself to her belly-bumpers, but + when she found herself with child, after the manner of ships, that receive + not their steersman till they have their ballast and lading. And if any + blame them for this their rataconniculation, and reiterated lechery upon + their pregnancy and big-belliedness, seeing beasts, in the like exigent of + their fulness, will never suffer the male-masculant to encroach them, + their answer will be, that those are beasts, but they are women, very well + skilled in the pretty vales and small fees of the pleasant trade and + mysteries of superfetation: as Populia heretofore answered, according to + the relation of Macrobius, lib. 2. Saturnal. If the devil will not have + them to bag, he must wring hard the spigot, and stop the bung-hole. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.IV.—-How Gargamelle, being great with Gargantua, did eat a + huge deal of tripes. + </h2> + <p> + The occasion and manner how Gargamelle was brought to bed, and delivered + of her child, was thus: and, if you do not believe it, I wish your bum-gut + fall out and make an escapade. Her bum-gut, indeed, or fundament escaped + her in an afternoon, on the third day of February, with having eaten at + dinner too many godebillios. Godebillios are the fat tripes of coiros. + Coiros are beeves fattened at the cratch in ox-stalls, or in the fresh + guimo meadows. Guimo meadows are those that for their fruitfulness may be + mowed twice a year. Of those fat beeves they had killed three hundred + sixty-seven thousand and fourteen, to be salted at Shrovetide, that in the + entering of the spring they might have plenty of powdered beef, wherewith + to season their mouths at the beginning of their meals, and to taste their + wine the better. + </p> + <p> + They had abundance of tripes, as you have heard, and they were so + delicious, that everyone licked his fingers. But the mischief was this, + that, for all men could do, there was no possibility to keep them long in + that relish; for in a very short while they would have stunk, which had + been an undecent thing. It was therefore concluded, that they should be + all of them gulched up, without losing anything. To this effect they + invited all the burghers of Sainais, of Suille, of the Roche-Clermaud, of + Vaugaudry, without omitting the Coudray, Monpensier, the Gue de Vede, and + other their neighbours, all stiff drinkers, brave fellows, and good + players at the kyles. The good man Grangousier took great pleasure in + their company, and commanded there should be no want nor pinching for + anything. Nevertheless he bade his wife eat sparingly, because she was + near her time, and that these tripes were no very commendable meat. They + would fain, said he, be at the chewing of ordure, that would eat the case + wherein it was. Notwithstanding these admonitions, she did eat sixteen + quarters, two bushels, three pecks and a pipkin full. O the fair fecality + wherewith she swelled, by the ingrediency of such shitten stuff! + </p> + <p> + After dinner they all went out in a hurl to the grove of the willows, + where, on the green grass, to the sound of the merry flutes and pleasant + bagpipes, they danced so gallantly, that it was a sweet and heavenly sport + to see them so frolic. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.V.—The Discourse of the Drinkers. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0006" id="image-0006"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/1-05-006.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="All Stiff Drinkers--1-05-006" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + Then did they fall upon the chat of victuals and some belly furniture to + be snatched at in the very same place. Which purpose was no sooner + mentioned, but forthwith began flagons to go, gammons to trot, goblets to + fly, great bowls to ting, glasses to ring. Draw, reach, fill, mix, give it + me without water. So, my friend, so, whip me off this glass neatly, bring + me hither some claret, a full weeping glass till it run over. A cessation + and truce with thirst. Ha, thou false fever, wilt thou not be gone? By my + figgins, godmother, I cannot as yet enter in the humour of being merry, + nor drink so currently as I would. You have catched a cold, gammer? Yea, + forsooth, sir. By the belly of Sanct Buff, let us talk of our drink: I + never drink but at my hours, like the Pope’s mule. And I never drink + but in my breviary, like a fair father guardian. Which was first, thirst + or drinking? Thirst, for who in the time of innocence would have drunk + without being athirst? Nay, sir, it was drinking; for privatio + praesupponit habitum. I am learned, you see: Foecundi calices quem non + fecere disertum? We poor innocents drink but too much without thirst. Not + I truly, who am a sinner, for I never drink without thirst, either present + or future. To prevent it, as you know, I drink for the thirst to come. I + drink eternally. This is to me an eternity of drinking, and drinking of + eternity. Let us sing, let us drink, and tune up our roundelays. Where is + my funnel? What, it seems I do not drink but by an attorney? Do you wet + yourselves to dry, or do you dry to wet you? Pish, I understand not the + rhetoric (theoric, I should say), but I help myself somewhat by the + practice. Baste! enough! I sup, I wet, I humect, I moisten my gullet, I + drink, and all for fear of dying. Drink always and you shall never die. If + I drink not, I am a-ground, dry, gravelled and spent. I am stark dead + without drink, and my soul ready to fly into some marsh amongst frogs; the + soul never dwells in a dry place, drouth kills it. O you butlers, creators + of new forms, make me of no drinker a drinker, a perennity and + everlastingness of sprinkling and bedewing me through these my parched and + sinewy bowels. He drinks in vain that feels not the pleasure of it. This + entereth into my veins,—the pissing tools and urinal vessels shall + have nothing of it. I would willingly wash the tripes of the calf which I + apparelled this morning. I have pretty well now ballasted my stomach and + stuffed my paunch. If the papers of my bonds and bills could drink as well + as I do, my creditors would not want for wine when they come to see me, or + when they are to make any formal exhibition of their rights to what of me + they can demand. This hand of yours spoils your nose. O how many other + such will enter here before this go out! What, drink so shallow? It is + enough to break both girds and petrel. This is called a cup of + dissimulation, or flagonal hypocrisy. + </p> + <p> + What difference is there between a bottle and a flagon. Great difference; + for the bottle is stopped and shut up with a stopple, but the flagon with + a vice (La bouteille est fermee a bouchon, et le flaccon a vis.). Bravely + and well played upon the words! Our fathers drank lustily, and emptied + their cans. Well cacked, well sung! Come, let us drink: will you send + nothing to the river? Here is one going to wash the tripes. I drink no + more than a sponge. I drink like a Templar knight. And I, tanquam sponsus. + And I, sicut terra sine aqua. Give me a synonymon for a gammon of bacon. + It is the compulsory of drinkers: it is a pulley. By a pulley-rope wine is + let down into a cellar, and by a gammon into the stomach. Hey! now, boys, + hither, some drink, some drink. There is no trouble in it. Respice + personam, pone pro duos, bus non est in usu. If I could get up as well as + I can swallow down, I had been long ere now very high in the air. + </p> + <p> + Thus became Tom Tosspot rich,—thus went in the tailor’s + stitch. Thus did Bacchus conquer th’ Inde—thus Philosophy, + Melinde. A little rain allays a great deal of wind: long tippling breaks + the thunder. But if there came such liquor from my ballock, would you not + willingly thereafter suck the udder whence it issued? Here, page, fill! I + prithee, forget me not when it comes to my turn, and I will enter the + election I have made of thee into the very register of my heart. Sup, + Guillot, and spare not, there is somewhat in the pot. I appeal from + thirst, and disclaim its jurisdiction. Page, sue out my appeal in form. + This remnant in the bottom of the glass must follow its leader. I was wont + heretofore to drink out all, but now I leave nothing. Let us not make too + much haste; it is requisite we carry all along with us. Heyday, here are + tripes fit for our sport, and, in earnest, excellent godebillios of the + dun ox (you know) with the black streak. O, for God’s sake, let us + lash them soundly, yet thriftily. Drink, or I will,—No, no, drink, I + beseech you (Ou je vous, je vous prie.). Sparrows will not eat unless you + bob them on the tail, nor can I drink if I be not fairly spoke to. The + concavities of my body are like another Hell for their capacity. + Lagonaedatera (lagon lateris cavitas: aides orcus: and eteros alter.). + There is not a corner, nor coney-burrow in all my body, where this wine + doth not ferret out my thirst. Ho, this will bang it soundly. But this + shall banish it utterly. Let us wind our horns by the sound of flagons and + bottles, and cry aloud, that whoever hath lost his thirst come not hither + to seek it. Long clysters of drinking are to be voided without doors. The + great God made the planets, and we make the platters neat. I have the word + of the gospel in my mouth, Sitio. The stone called asbestos is not more + unquenchable than the thirst of my paternity. Appetite comes with eating, + says Angeston, but the thirst goes away with drinking. I have a remedy + against thirst, quite contrary to that which is good against the biting of + a mad dog. Keep running after a dog, and he will never bite you; drink + always before the thirst, and it will never come upon you. There I catch + you, I awake you. Argus had a hundred eyes for his sight, a butler should + have (like Briareus) a hundred hands wherewith to fill us wine + indefatigably. Hey now, lads, let us moisten ourselves, it will be time to + dry hereafter. White wine here, wine, boys! Pour out all in the name of + Lucifer, fill here, you, fill and fill (peascods on you) till it be full. + My tongue peels. Lans trinque; to thee, countryman, I drink to thee, good + fellow, comrade to thee, lusty, lively! Ha, la, la, that was drunk to some + purpose, and bravely gulped over. O lachryma Christi, it is of the best + grape! I’faith, pure Greek, Greek! O the fine white wine! upon my + conscience, it is a kind of taffetas wine,—hin, hin, it is of one + ear, well wrought, and of good wool. Courage, comrade, up thy heart, + billy! We will not be beasted at this bout, for I have got one trick. Ex + hoc in hoc. There is no enchantment nor charm there, every one of you hath + seen it. My ‘prenticeship is out, I am a free man at this trade. I + am prester mast (Prestre mace, maistre passe.), Prish, Brum! I should say, + master past. O the drinkers, those that are a-dry, O poor thirsty souls! + Good page, my friend, fill me here some, and crown the wine, I pray thee. + Like a cardinal! Natura abhorret vacuum. Would you say that a fly could + drink in this? This is after the fashion of Switzerland. Clear off, neat, + supernaculum! Come, therefore, blades, to this divine liquor and celestial + juice, swill it over heartily, and spare not! It is a decoction of nectar + and ambrosia. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.VI.—How Gargantua was born in a strange manner. + </h2> + <p> + Whilst they were on this discourse and pleasant tattle of drinking, + Gargamelle began to be a little unwell in her lower parts; whereupon + Grangousier arose from off the grass, and fell to comfort her very + honestly and kindly, suspecting that she was in travail, and told her that + it was best for her to sit down upon the grass under the willows, because + she was like very shortly to see young feet, and that therefore it was + convenient she should pluck up her spirits, and take a good heart of new + at the fresh arrival of her baby; saying to her withal, that although the + pain was somewhat grievous to her, it would be but of short continuance, + and that the succeeding joy would quickly remove that sorrow, in such sort + that she should not so much as remember it. On, with a sheep’s + courage! quoth he. Despatch this boy, and we will speedily fall to work + for the making of another. Ha! said she, so well as you speak at your own + ease, you that are men! Well, then, in the name of God, I’ll do my + best, seeing that you will have it so, but would to God that it were cut + off from you! What? said Grangousier. Ha, said she, you are a good man + indeed, you understand it well enough. What, my member? said he. By the + goat’s blood, if it please you, that shall be done instantly; cause + bring hither a knife. Alas, said she, the Lord forbid, and pray Jesus to + forgive me! I did not say it from my heart, therefore let it alone, and do + not do it neither more nor less any kind of harm for my speaking so to + you. But I am like to have work enough to do to-day and all for your + member, yet God bless you and it. + </p> + <p> + Courage, courage, said he, take you no care of the matter, let the four + foremost oxen do the work. I will yet go drink one whiff more, and if in + the mean time anything befall you that may require my presence, I will be + so near to you, that, at the first whistling in your fist, I shall be with + you forthwith. A little while after she began to groan, lament and cry. + Then suddenly came the midwives from all quarters, who groping her below, + found some peloderies, which was a certain filthy stuff, and of a taste + truly bad enough. This they thought had been the child, but it was her + fundament, that was slipped out with the mollification of her straight + entrail, which you call the bum-gut, and that merely by eating of too many + tripes, as we have showed you before. Whereupon an old ugly trot in the + company, who had the repute of an expert she-physician, and was come from + Brisepaille, near to Saint Genou, three score years before, made her so + horrible a restrictive and binding medicine, and whereby all her larris, + arse-pipes, and conduits were so oppilated, stopped, obstructed, and + contracted, that you could hardly have opened and enlarged them with your + teeth, which is a terrible thing to think upon; seeing the Devil at the + mass at Saint Martin’s was puzzled with the like task, when with his + teeth he had lengthened out the parchment whereon he wrote the + tittle-tattle of two young mangy whores. By this inconvenient the + cotyledons of her matrix were presently loosed, through which the child + sprang up and leaped, and so, entering into the hollow vein, did climb by + the diaphragm even above her shoulders, where the vein divides itself into + two, and from thence taking his way towards the left side, issued forth at + her left ear. As soon as he was born, he cried not as other babes use to + do, Miez, miez, miez, miez, but with a high, sturdy, and big voice shouted + about, Some drink, some drink, some drink, as inviting all the world to + drink with him. The noise hereof was so extremely great, that it was heard + in both the countries at once of Beauce and Bibarois. I doubt me, that you + do not thoroughly believe the truth of this strange nativity. Though you + believe it not, I care not much: but an honest man, and of good judgment, + believeth still what is told him, and that which he finds written. + </p> + <p> + Is this beyond our law or our faith—against reason or the holy + Scripture? For my part, I find nothing in the sacred Bible that is against + it. But tell me, if it had been the will of God, would you say that he + could not do it? Ha, for favour sake, I beseech you, never emberlucock or + inpulregafize your spirits with these vain thoughts and idle conceits; for + I tell you, it is not impossible with God, and, if he pleased, all women + henceforth should bring forth their children at the ear. Was not Bacchus + engendered out of the very thigh of Jupiter? Did not Roquetaillade come + out at his mother’s heel, and Crocmoush from the slipper of his + nurse? Was not Minerva born of the brain, even through the ear of Jove? + Adonis, of the bark of a myrrh tree; and Castor and Pollux of the doupe of + that egg which was laid and hatched by Leda? But you would wonder more, + and with far greater amazement, if I should now present you with that + chapter of Plinius, wherein he treateth of strange births, and contrary to + nature, and yet am not I so impudent a liar as he was. Read the seventh + book of his Natural History, chap.3, and trouble not my head any more + about this. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.VII.—After what manner Gargantua had his name given him, + and how he tippled, bibbed, and curried the can. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0007" id="image-0007"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/1-07-018.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="One of the Girls Brought Him Wine--1-07-018" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + The good man Grangousier, drinking and making merry with the rest, heard + the horrible noise which his son had made as he entered into the light of + this world, when he cried out, Some drink, some drink, some drink; + whereupon he said in French, Que grand tu as et souple le gousier! that is + to say, How great and nimble a throat thou hast. Which the company + hearing, said that verily the child ought to be called Gargantua; because + it was the first word that after his birth his father had spoke, in + imitation, and at the example of the ancient Hebrews; whereunto he + condescended, and his mother was very well pleased therewith. In the + meanwhile, to quiet the child, they gave him to drink a tirelaregot, that + is, till his throat was like to crack with it; then was he carried to the + font, and there baptized, according to the manner of good Christians. + </p> + <p> + Immediately thereafter were appointed for him seventeen thousand, nine + hundred, and thirteen cows of the towns of Pautille and Brehemond, to + furnish him with milk in ordinary, for it was impossible to find a nurse + sufficient for him in all the country, considering the great quantity of + milk that was requisite for his nourishment; although there were not + wanting some doctors of the opinion of Scotus, who affirmed that his own + mother gave him suck, and that she could draw out of her breasts one + thousand, four hundred, two pipes, and nine pails of milk at every time. + </p> + <p> + Which indeed is not probable, and this point hath been found duggishly + scandalous and offensive to tender ears, for that it savoured a little of + heresy. Thus was he handled for one year and ten months; after which time, + by the advice of physicians, they began to carry him, and then was made + for him a fine little cart drawn with oxen, of the invention of Jan Denio, + wherein they led him hither and thither with great joy; and he was worth + the seeing, for he was a fine boy, had a burly physiognomy, and almost ten + chins. He cried very little, but beshit himself every hour: for, to speak + truly of him, he was wonderfully phlegmatic in his posteriors, both by + reason of his natural complexion and the accidental disposition which had + befallen him by his too much quaffing of the Septembral juice. Yet without + a cause did not he sup one drop; for if he happened to be vexed, angry, + displeased, or sorry, if he did fret, if he did weep, if he did cry, and + what grievous quarter soever he kept, in bringing him some drink, he would + be instantly pacified, reseated in his own temper, in a good humour again, + and as still and quiet as ever. One of his governesses told me (swearing + by her fig), how he was so accustomed to this kind of way, that, at the + sound of pints and flagons, he would on a sudden fall into an ecstasy, as + if he had then tasted of the joys of paradise; so that they, upon + consideration of this, his divine complexion, would every morning, to + cheer him up, play with a knife upon the glasses, on the bottles with + their stopples, and on the pottle-pots with their lids and covers, at the + sound whereof he became gay, did leap for joy, would loll and rock himself + in the cradle, then nod with his head, monochordizing with his fingers, + and barytonizing with his tail. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.VIII.—How they apparelled Gargantua. + </h2> + <p> + Being of this age, his father ordained to have clothes made to him in his + own livery, which was white and blue. To work then went the tailors, and + with great expedition were those clothes made, cut, and sewed, according + to the fashion that was then in request. I find by the ancient records or + pancarts, to be seen in the chamber of accounts, or court of the exchequer + at Montsoreau, that he was accoutred in manner as followeth. To make him + every shirt of his were taken up nine hundred ells of Chasteleraud linen, + and two hundred for the gussets, in manner of cushions, which they put + under his armpits. His shirt was not gathered nor plaited, for the + plaiting of shirts was not found out till the seamstresses (when the point + of their needle (Besongner du cul, Englished The eye of the needle.) was + broken) began to work and occupy with the tail. There were taken up for + his doublet, eight hundred and thirteen ells of white satin, and for his + points fifteen hundred and nine dogs’ skins and a half. Then was it + that men began to tie their breeches to their doublets, and not their + doublets to their breeches: for it is against nature, as hath most amply + been showed by Ockham upon the exponibles of Master Haultechaussade. + </p> + <p> + For his breeches were taken up eleven hundred and five ells and a third of + white broadcloth. They were cut in the form of pillars, chamfered, + channelled and pinked behind that they might not over-heat his reins: and + were, within the panes, puffed out with the lining of as much blue damask + as was needful: and remark, that he had very good leg-harness, + proportionable to the rest of his stature. + </p> + <p> + For his codpiece were used sixteen ells and a quarter of the same cloth, + and it was fashioned on the top like unto a triumphant arch, most + gallantly fastened with two enamelled clasps, in each of which was set a + great emerald, as big as an orange; for, as says Orpheus, lib. de + lapidibus, and Plinius, libro ultimo, it hath an erective virtue and + comfortative of the natural member. The exiture, outjecting or + outstanding, of his codpiece was of the length of a yard, jagged and + pinked, and withal bagging, and strutting out with the blue damask lining, + after the manner of his breeches. But had you seen the fair embroidery of + the small needlework purl, and the curiously interlaced knots, by the + goldsmith’s art set out and trimmed with rich diamonds, precious + rubies, fine turquoises, costly emeralds, and Persian pearls, you would + have compared it to a fair cornucopia, or horn of abundance, such as you + see in antiques, or as Rhea gave to the two nymphs, Amalthea and Ida, the + nurses of Jupiter. + </p> + <p> + And, like to that horn of abundance, it was still gallant, succulent, + droppy, sappy, pithy, lively, always flourishing, always fructifying, full + of juice, full of flower, full of fruit, and all manner of delight. I avow + God, it would have done one good to have seen him, but I will tell you + more of him in the book which I have made of the dignity of codpieces. One + thing I will tell you, that as it was both long and large, so was it well + furnished and victualled within, nothing like unto the hypocritical + codpieces of some fond wooers and wench-courtiers, which are stuffed only + with wind, to the great prejudice of the female sex. + </p> + <p> + For his shoes were taken up four hundred and six ells of blue + crimson-velvet, and were very neatly cut by parallel lines, joined in + uniform cylinders. For the soling of them were made use of eleven hundred + hides of brown cows, shapen like the tail of a keeling. + </p> + <p> + For his coat were taken up eighteen hundred ells of blue velvet, dyed in + grain, embroidered in its borders with fair gilliflowers, in the middle + decked with silver purl, intermixed with plates of gold and store of + pearls, hereby showing that in his time he would prove an especial good + fellow and singular whipcan. + </p> + <p> + His girdle was made of three hundred ells and a half of silken serge, half + white and half blue, if I mistake it not. His sword was not of Valentia, + nor his dagger of Saragossa, for his father could not endure these + hidalgos borrachos maranisados como diablos: but he had a fair sword made + of wood, and the dagger of boiled leather, as well painted and gilded as + any man could wish. + </p> + <p> + His purse was made of the cod of an elephant, which was given him by Herr + Pracontal, proconsul of Lybia. + </p> + <p> + For his gown were employed nine thousand six hundred ells, wanting + two-thirds, of blue velvet, as before, all so diagonally purled, that by + true perspective issued thence an unnamed colour, like that you see in the + necks of turtle-doves or turkey-cocks, which wonderfully rejoiced the eyes + of the beholders. For his bonnet or cap were taken up three hundred, two + ells and a quarter of white velvet, and the form thereof was wide and + round, of the bigness of his head; for his father said that the caps of + the Marrabaise fashion, made like the cover of a pasty, would one time or + other bring a mischief on those that wore them. For his plume, he wore a + fair great blue feather, plucked from an onocrotal of the country of + Hircania the wild, very prettily hanging down over his right ear. For the + jewel or brooch which in his cap he carried, he had in a cake of gold, + weighing three score and eight marks, a fair piece enamelled, wherein was + portrayed a man’s body with two heads, looking towards one another, + four arms, four feet, two arses, such as Plato, in Symposio, says was the + mystical beginning of man’s nature; and about it was written in + Ionic letters, Agame ou zetei ta eautes, or rather, Aner kai gune zugada + anthrotos idiaitata, that is, Vir et mulier junctim propriissime homo. To + wear about his neck, he had a golden chain, weighing twenty-five thousand + and sixty-three marks of gold, the links thereof being made after the + manner of great berries, amongst which were set in work green jaspers + engraven and cut dragon-like, all environed with beams and sparks, as king + Nicepsos of old was wont to wear them: and it reached down to the very + bust of the rising of his belly, whereby he reaped great benefit all his + life long, as the Greek physicians know well enough. For his gloves were + put in work sixteen otters’ skins, and three of the loupgarous, or + men-eating wolves, for the bordering of them: and of this stuff were they + made, by the appointment of the Cabalists of Sanlouand. As for the rings + which his father would have him to wear, to renew the ancient mark of + nobility, he had on the forefinger of his left hand a carbuncle as big as + an ostrich’s egg, enchased very daintily in gold of the fineness of + a Turkey seraph. Upon the middle finger of the same hand he had a ring + made of four metals together, of the strangest fashion that ever was seen; + so that the steel did not crash against the gold, nor the silver crush the + copper. All this was made by Captain Chappuys, and Alcofribas his good + agent. On the medical finger of his right hand he had a ring made + spire-wise, wherein was set a perfect Balas ruby, a pointed diamond, and a + Physon emerald, of an inestimable value. For Hans Carvel, the king of + Melinda’s jeweller, esteemed them at the rate of threescore nine + millions, eight hundred ninety-four thousand, and eighteen French crowns + of Berry, and at so much did the Foucres of Augsburg prize them. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.IX.—The colours and liveries of Gargantua. + </h2> + <p> + Gargantua’s colours were white and blue, as I have showed you + before, by which his father would give us to understand that his son to + him was a heavenly joy; for the white did signify gladness, pleasure, + delight, and rejoicing, and the blue, celestial things. I know well enough + that, in reading this, you laugh at the old drinker, and hold this + exposition of colours to be very extravagant, and utterly disagreeable to + reason, because white is said to signify faith, and blue constancy. But + without moving, vexing, heating, or putting you in a chafe (for the + weather is dangerous), answer me, if it please you; for no other + compulsory way of arguing will I use towards you, or any else; only now + and then I will mention a word or two of my bottle. What is it that + induceth you, what stirs you up to believe, or who told you that white + signifieth faith, and blue constancy? An old paltry book, say you, sold by + the hawking pedlars and balladmongers, entitled The Blason of Colours. Who + made it? Whoever it was, he was wise in that he did not set his name to + it. But, besides, I know not what I should rather admire in him, his + presumption or his sottishness. His presumption and overweening, for that + he should without reason, without cause, or without any appearance of + truth, have dared to prescribe, by his private authority, what things + should be denotated and signified by the colour: which is the custom of + tyrants, who will have their will to bear sway in stead of equity, and not + of the wise and learned, who with the evidence of reason satisfy their + readers. His sottishness and want of spirit, in that he thought that, + without any other demonstration or sufficient argument, the world would be + pleased to make his blockish and ridiculous impositions the rule of their + devices. In effect, according to the proverb, To a shitten tail fails + never ordure, he hath found, it seems, some simple ninny in those rude + times of old, when the wearing of high round bonnets was in fashion, who + gave some trust to his writings, according to which they carved and + engraved their apophthegms and mottoes, trapped and caparisoned their + mules and sumpter-horses, apparelled their pages, quartered their + breeches, bordered their gloves, fringed the curtains and valances of + their beds, painted their ensigns, composed songs, and, which is worse, + placed many deceitful jugglings and unworthy base tricks undiscoveredly + amongst the very chastest matrons and most reverend sciences. In the like + darkness and mist of ignorance are wrapped up these vain-glorious + courtiers and name-transposers, who, going about in their impresas to + signify esperance (that is, hope), have portrayed a sphere—and birds’ + pennes for pains—l’ancholie (which is the flower colombine) + for melancholy—a waning moon or crescent, to show the increasing or + rising of one’s fortune—a bench rotten and broken, to signify + bankrupt—non and a corslet for non dur habit (otherwise non durabit, + it shall not last), un lit sans ciel, that is, a bed without a tester, for + un licencie, a graduated person, as bachelor in divinity or utter + barrister-at-law; which are equivocals so absurd and witless, so barbarous + and clownish, that a fox’s tail should be fastened to the neck-piece + of, and a vizard made of a cowsherd given to everyone that henceforth + should offer, after the restitution of learning, to make use of any such + fopperies in France. + </p> + <p> + By the same reasons (if reasons I should call them, and not ravings + rather, and idle triflings about words), might I cause paint a pannier, to + signify that I am in pain—a mustard-pot, that my heart tarries much + for’t—one pissing upwards for a bishop—the bottom of a + pair of breeches for a vessel full of fart-hings—a codpiece for the + office of the clerks of the sentences, decrees, or judgments, or rather, + as the English bears it, for the tail of a codfish—and a dog’s + turd for the dainty turret wherein lies the love of my sweetheart. Far + otherwise did heretofore the sages of Egypt, when they wrote by letters, + which they called hieroglyphics, which none understood who were not + skilled in the virtue, property, and nature of the things represented by + them. Of which Orus Apollon hath in Greek composed two books, and + Polyphilus, in his Dream of Love, set down more. In France you have a + taste of them in the device or impresa of my Lord Admiral, which was + carried before that time by Octavian Augustus. But my little skiff alongst + these unpleasant gulfs and shoals will sail no further, therefore must I + return to the port from whence I came. Yet do I hope one day to write more + at large of these things, and to show both by philosophical arguments and + authorities, received and approved of by and from all antiquity, what, and + how many colours there are in nature, and what may be signified by every + one of them, if God save the mould of my cap, which is my best wine-pot, + as my grandam said. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.X.—Of that which is signified by the colours white and + blue. + </h2> + <p> + The white therefore signifieth joy, solace, and gladness, and that not at + random, but upon just and very good grounds: which you may perceive to be + true, if laying aside all prejudicate affections, you will but give ear to + what presently I shall expound unto you. + </p> + <p> + Aristotle saith that, supposing two things contrary in their kind, as good + and evil, virtue and vice, heat and cold, white and black, pleasure and + pain, joy and grief,—and so of others,—if you couple them in + such manner that the contrary of one kind may agree in reason with the + contrary of the other, it must follow by consequence that the other + contrary must answer to the remanent opposite to that wherewith it is + conferred. As, for example, virtue and vice are contrary in one kind, so + are good and evil. If one of the contraries of the first kind be consonant + to one of those of the second, as virtue and goodness, for it is clear + that virtue is good, so shall the other two contraries, which are evil and + vice, have the same connection, for vice is evil. + </p> + <p> + This logical rule being understood, take these two contraries, joy and + sadness; then these other two, white and black, for they are physically + contrary. If so be, then, that black do signify grief, by good reason then + should white import joy. Nor is this signification instituted by human + imposition, but by the universal consent of the world received, which + philosophers call Jus Gentium, the Law of Nations, or an uncontrollable + right of force in all countries whatsoever. For you know well enough that + all people, and all languages and nations, except the ancient Syracusans + and certain Argives, who had cross and thwarting souls, when they mean + outwardly to give evidence of their sorrow, go in black; and all mourning + is done with black. Which general consent is not without some argument and + reason in nature, the which every man may by himself very suddenly + comprehend, without the instruction of any—and this we call the law + of nature. By virtue of the same natural instinct we know that by white + all the world hath understood joy, gladness, mirth, pleasure, and delight. + In former times the Thracians and Cretans did mark their good, propitious, + and fortunate days with white stones, and their sad, dismal, and + unfortunate ones with black. Is not the night mournful, sad, and + melancholic? It is black and dark by the privation of light. Doth not the + light comfort all the world? And it is more white than anything else. + Which to prove, I could direct you to the book of Laurentius Valla against + Bartolus; but an evangelical testimony I hope will content you. Matth. 17 + it is said that, at the transfiguration of our Lord, Vestimenta ejus facta + sunt alba sicut lux, his apparel was made white like the light. By which + lightsome whiteness he gave his three apostles to understand the idea and + figure of the eternal joys; for by the light are all men comforted, + according to the word of the old woman, who, although she had never a + tooth in her head, was wont to say, Bona lux. And Tobit, chap.5, after he + had lost his sight, when Raphael saluted him, answered, What joy can I + have, that do not see the light of Heaven? In that colour did the angels + testify the joy of the whole world at the resurrection of our Saviour, + John 20, and at his ascension, Acts 1. With the like colour of vesture did + St. John the Evangelist, Apoc. 4.7, see the faithful clothed in the + heavenly and blessed Jerusalem. + </p> + <p> + Read the ancient, both Greek and Latin histories, and you shall find that + the town of Alba (the first pattern of Rome) was founded and so named by + reason of a white sow that was seen there. You shall likewise find in + those stories, that when any man, after he had vanquished his enemies, was + by decree of the senate to enter into Rome triumphantly, he usually rode + in a chariot drawn by white horses: which in the ovation triumph was also + the custom; for by no sign or colour would they so significantly express + the joy of their coming as by the white. You shall there also find, how + Pericles, the general of the Athenians, would needs have that part of his + army unto whose lot befell the white beans, to spend the whole day in + mirth, pleasure, and ease, whilst the rest were a-fighting. A thousand + other examples and places could I allege to this purpose, but that it is + not here where I should do it. + </p> + <p> + By understanding hereof, you may resolve one problem, which Alexander + Aphrodiseus hath accounted unanswerable: why the lion, who with his only + cry and roaring affrights all beasts, dreads and feareth only a white + cock? For, as Proclus saith, Libro de Sacrificio et Magia, it is because + the presence of the virtue of the sun, which is the organ and promptuary + of all terrestrial and sidereal light, doth more symbolize and agree with + a white cock, as well in regard of that colour, as of his property and + specifical quality, than with a lion. He saith, furthermore, that devils + have been often seen in the shape of lions, which at the sight of a white + cock have presently vanished. This is the cause why Galli or Gallices (so + are the Frenchmen called, because they are naturally white as milk, which + the Greeks call Gala,) do willingly wear in their caps white feathers, for + by nature they are of a candid disposition, merry, kind, gracious, and + well-beloved, and for their cognizance and arms have the whitest flower of + any, the Flower de luce or Lily. + </p> + <p> + If you demand how, by white, nature would have us understand joy and + gladness, I answer, that the analogy and uniformity is thus. For, as the + white doth outwardly disperse and scatter the rays of the sight, whereby + the optic spirits are manifestly dissolved, according to the opinion of + Aristotle in his problems and perspective treatises; as you may likewise + perceive by experience, when you pass over mountains covered with snow, + how you will complain that you cannot see well; as Xenophon writes to have + happened to his men, and as Galen very largely declareth, lib. 10, de usu + partium: just so the heart with excessive joy is inwardly dilated, and + suffereth a manifest resolution of the vital spirits, which may go so far + on that it may thereby be deprived of its nourishment, and by consequence + of life itself, by this perichary or extremity of gladness, as Galen + saith, lib. 12, method, lib. 5, de locis affectis, and lib. 2, de + symptomatum causis. And as it hath come to pass in former times, witness + Marcus Tullius, lib. 1, Quaest. Tuscul., Verrius, Aristotle, Titus Livius, + in his relation of the battle of Cannae, Plinius, lib. 7, cap. 32 and 34, + A. Gellius, lib. 3, c. 15, and many other writers,—to Diagoras the + Rhodian, Chilon, Sophocles, Dionysius the tyrant of Sicily, Philippides, + Philemon, Polycrates, Philistion, M. Juventi, and others who died with + joy. And as Avicen speaketh, in 2 canon et lib. de virib. cordis, of the + saffron, that it doth so rejoice the heart that, if you take of it + excessively, it will by a superfluous resolution and dilation deprive it + altogether of life. Here peruse Alex. Aphrodiseus, lib. 1, Probl., cap. + 19, and that for a cause. But what? It seems I am entered further into + this point than I intended at the first. Here, therefore, will I strike + sail, referring the rest to that book of mine which handleth this matter + to the full. Meanwhile, in a word I will tell you, that blue doth + certainly signify heaven and heavenly things, by the same very tokens and + symbols that white signifieth joy and pleasure. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XI.—Of the youthful age of Gargantua. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0008" id="image-0008"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/1-11-026.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="On the Road to The Castle--1-11-026" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + Gargantua, from three years upwards unto five, was brought up and + instructed in all convenient discipline by the commandment of his father; + and spent that time like the other little children of the country, that + is, in drinking, eating, and sleeping: in eating, sleeping, and drinking: + and in sleeping, drinking, and eating. Still he wallowed and rolled up and + down himself in the mire and dirt—he blurred and sullied his nose + with filth—he blotted and smutched his face with any kind of scurvy + stuff—he trod down his shoes in the heel—at the flies he did + oftentimes yawn, and ran very heartily after the butterflies, the empire + whereof belonged to his father. He pissed in his shoes, shit in his shirt, + and wiped his nose on his sleeve—he did let his snot and snivel fall + in his pottage, and dabbled, paddled, and slobbered everywhere—he + would drink in his slipper, and ordinarily rub his belly against a + pannier. He sharpened his teeth with a top, washed his hands with his + broth, and combed his head with a bowl. He would sit down betwixt two + stools, and his arse to the ground —would cover himself with a wet + sack, and drink in eating of his soup. He did eat his cake sometimes + without bread, would bite in laughing, and laugh in biting. Oftentimes did + he spit in the basin, and fart for fatness, piss against the sun, and hide + himself in the water for fear of rain. He would strike out of the cold + iron, be often in the dumps, and frig and wriggle it. He would flay the + fox, say the ape’s paternoster, return to his sheep, and turn the + hogs to the hay. He would beat the dogs before the lion, put the plough + before the oxen, and claw where it did not itch. He would pump one to draw + somewhat out of him, by griping all would hold fast nothing, and always + eat his white bread first. He shoed the geese, kept a self-tickling to + make himself laugh, and was very steadable in the kitchen: made a mock at + the gods, would cause sing Magnificat at matins, and found it very + convenient so to do. He would eat cabbage, and shite beets,—knew + flies in a dish of milk, and would make them lose their feet. He would + scrape paper, blur parchment, then run away as hard as he could. He would + pull at the kid’s leather, or vomit up his dinner, then reckon + without his host. He would beat the bushes without catching the birds, + thought the moon was made of green cheese, and that bladders are lanterns. + Out of one sack he would take two moultures or fees for grinding; would + act the ass’s part to get some bran, and of his fist would make a + mallet. He took the cranes at the first leap, and would have the + mail-coats to be made link after link. He always looked a given horse in + the mouth, leaped from the cock to the ass, and put one ripe between two + green. By robbing Peter he paid Paul, he kept the moon from the wolves, + and hoped to catch larks if ever the heavens should fall. He did make of + necessity virtue, of such bread such pottage, and cared as little for the + peeled as for the shaven. Every morning he did cast up his gorge, and his + father’s little dogs eat out of the dish with him, and he with them. + He would bite their ears, and they would scratch his nose—he would + blow in their arses, and they would lick his chaps. + </p> + <p> + But hearken, good fellows, the spigot ill betake you, and whirl round your + brains, if you do not give ear! This little lecher was always groping his + nurses and governesses, upside down, arsiversy, topsyturvy, harri + bourriquet, with a Yacco haick, hyck gio! handling them very rudely in + jumbling and tumbling them to keep them going; for he had already begun to + exercise the tools, and put his codpiece in practice. Which codpiece, or + braguette, his governesses did every day deck up and adorn with fair + nosegays, curious rubies, sweet flowers, and fine silken tufts, and very + pleasantly would pass their time in taking you know what between their + fingers, and dandling it, till it did revive and creep up to the bulk and + stiffness of a suppository, or street magdaleon, which is a hard rolled-up + salve spread upon leather. Then did they burst out in laughing, when they + saw it lift up its ears, as if the sport had liked them. One of them would + call it her little dille, her staff of love, her quillety, her faucetin, + her dandilolly. Another, her peen, her jolly kyle, her bableret, her + membretoon, her quickset imp: another again, her branch of coral, her + female adamant, her placket-racket, her Cyprian sceptre, her jewel for + ladies. And some of the other women would give it these names,—my + bunguetee, my stopple too, my bush-rusher, my gallant wimble, my pretty + borer, my coney-burrow-ferret, my little piercer, my augretine, my + dangling hangers, down right to it, stiff and stout, in and to, my pusher, + dresser, pouting stick, my honey pipe, my pretty pillicock, linky pinky, + futilletie, my lusty andouille, and crimson chitterling, my little couille + bredouille, my pretty rogue, and so forth. It belongs to me, said one. It + is mine, said the other. What, quoth a third, shall I have no share in it? + By my faith, I will cut it then. Ha, to cut it, said the other, would hurt + him. Madam, do you cut little children’s things? Were his cut off, + he would be then Monsieur sans queue, the curtailed master. And that he + might play and sport himself after the manner of the other little children + of the country, they made him a fair weather whirl-jack of the wings of + the windmill of Myrebalais. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XII.—Of Gargantua’s wooden horses. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0009" id="image-0009"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/1-12-028.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Led Them up the Great Staircase--1-12-028" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + Afterwards, that he might be all his lifetime a good rider, they made to + him a fair great horse of wood, which he did make leap, curvet, jerk out + behind, and skip forward, all at a time: to pace, trot, rack, gallop, + amble, to play the hobby, the hackney-gelding: go the gait of the camel, + and of the wild ass. He made him also change his colour of hair, as the + monks of Coultibo (according to the variety of their holidays) use to do + their clothes, from bay brown, to sorrel, dapple-grey, mouse-dun, + deer-colour, roan, cow-colour, gingioline, skewed colour, piebald, and the + colour of the savage elk. + </p> + <p> + Himself of a huge big post made a hunting nag, and another for daily + service of the beam of a vinepress: and of a great oak made up a mule, + with a footcloth, for his chamber. Besides this, he had ten or twelve + spare horses, and seven horses for post; and all these were lodged in his + own chamber, close by his bedside. One day the Lord of Breadinbag + (Painensac.) came to visit his father in great bravery, and with a gallant + train: and, at the same time, to see him came likewise the Duke of + Freemeal (Francrepas.) and the Earl of Wetgullet (Mouillevent.). The house + truly for so many guests at once was somewhat narrow, but especially the + stables; whereupon the steward and harbinger of the said Lord Breadinbag, + to know if there were any other empty stable in the house, came to + Gargantua, a little young lad, and secretly asked him where the stables of + the great horses were, thinking that children would be ready to tell all. + Then he led them up along the stairs of the castle, passing by the second + hall unto a broad great gallery, by which they entered into a large tower, + and as they were going up at another pair of stairs, said the harbinger to + the steward, This child deceives us, for the stables are never on the top + of the house. You may be mistaken, said the steward, for I know some + places at Lyons, at the Basmette, at Chaisnon, and elsewhere, which have + their stables at the very tops of the houses: so it may be that behind the + house there is a way to come to this ascent. But I will question with him + further. Then said he to Gargantua, My pretty little boy, whither do you + lead us? To the stable, said he, of my great horses. We are almost come to + it; we have but these stairs to go up at. Then leading them alongst + another great hall, he brought them into his chamber, and, opening the + door, said unto them, This is the stable you ask for; this is my jennet; + this is my gelding; this is my courser, and this is my hackney, and laid + on them with a great lever. I will bestow upon you, said he, this + Friesland horse; I had him from Frankfort, yet will I give him you; for he + is a pretty little nag, and will go very well, with a tessel of goshawks, + half a dozen of spaniels, and a brace of greyhounds: thus are you king of + the hares and partridges for all this winter. By St. John, said they, now + we are paid, he hath gleeked us to some purpose, bobbed we are now for + ever. I deny it, said he,—he was not here above three days. Judge + you now, whether they had most cause, either to hide their heads for + shame, or to laugh at the jest. As they were going down again thus amazed, + he asked them, Will you have a whimwham (Aubeliere.)? What is that, said + they? It is, said he, five turds to make you a muzzle. To-day, said the + steward, though we happen to be roasted, we shall not be burnt, for we are + pretty well quipped and larded, in my opinion. O my jolly dapper boy, thou + hast given us a gudgeon; I hope to see thee Pope before I die. I think so, + said he, myself; and then shall you be a puppy, and this gentle popinjay a + perfect papelard, that is, dissembler. Well, well, said the harbinger. + But, said Gargantua, guess how many stitches there are in my mother’s + smock. Sixteen, quoth the harbinger. You do not speak gospel, said + Gargantua, for there is cent before, and cent behind, and you did not + reckon them ill, considering the two under holes. When? said the + harbinger. Even then, said Gargantua, when they made a shovel of your nose + to take up a quarter of dirt, and of your throat a funnel, wherewith to + put it into another vessel, because the bottom of the old one was out. + Cocksbod, said the steward, we have met with a prater. Farewell, master + tattler, God keep you, so goodly are the words which you come out with, + and so fresh in your mouth, that it had need to be salted. + </p> + <p> + Thus going down in great haste, under the arch of the stairs they let fall + the great lever, which he had put upon their backs; whereupon Gargantua + said, What a devil! you are, it seems, but bad horsemen, that suffer your + bilder to fail you when you need him most. If you were to go from hence to + Cahusac, whether had you rather, ride on a gosling or lead a sow in a + leash? I had rather drink, said the harbinger. With this they entered into + the lower hall, where the company was, and relating to them this new + story, they made them laugh like a swarm of flies. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XIII.—How Gargantua’s wonderful understanding became + known to his father Grangousier, by the invention of a torchecul or + wipebreech. + </h2> + <p> + About the end of the fifth year, Grangousier returning from the conquest + of the Canarians, went by the way to see his son Gargantua. There was he + filled with joy, as such a father might be at the sight of such a child of + his: and whilst he kissed and embraced him, he asked many childish + questions of him about divers matters, and drank very freely with him and + with his governesses, of whom in great earnest he asked, amongst other + things, whether they had been careful to keep him clean and sweet. To this + Gargantua answered, that he had taken such a course for that himself, that + in all the country there was not to be found a cleanlier boy than he. How + is that? said Grangousier. I have, answered Gargantua, by a long and + curious experience, found out a means to wipe my bum, the most lordly, the + most excellent, and the most convenient that ever was seen. What is that? + said Grangousier, how is it? I will tell you by-and-by, said Gargantua. + Once I did wipe me with a gentle-woman’s velvet mask, and found it + to be good; for the softness of the silk was very voluptuous and pleasant + to my fundament. Another time with one of their hoods, and in like manner + that was comfortable. At another time with a lady’s neckerchief, and + after that I wiped me with some ear-pieces of hers made of crimson satin, + but there was such a number of golden spangles in them (turdy round + things, a pox take them) that they fetched away all the skin of my tail + with a vengeance. Now I wish St. Antony’s fire burn the bum-gut of + the goldsmith that made them, and of her that wore them! This hurt I cured + by wiping myself with a page’s cap, garnished with a feather after + the Switzers’ fashion. + </p> + <p> + Afterwards, in dunging behind a bush, I found a March-cat, and with it I + wiped my breech, but her claws were so sharp that they scratched and + exulcerated all my perinee. Of this I recovered the next morning + thereafter, by wiping myself with my mother’s gloves, of a most + excellent perfume and scent of the Arabian Benin. After that I wiped me + with sage, with fennel, with anet, with marjoram, with roses, with + gourd-leaves, with beets, with colewort, with leaves of the vine-tree, + with mallows, wool-blade, which is a tail-scarlet, with lettuce, and with + spinach leaves. All this did very great good to my leg. Then with mercury, + with parsley, with nettles, with comfrey, but that gave me the bloody flux + of Lombardy, which I healed by wiping me with my braguette. Then I wiped + my tail in the sheets, in the coverlet, in the curtains, with a cushion, + with arras hangings, with a green carpet, with a table-cloth, with a + napkin, with a handkerchief, with a combing-cloth; in all which I found + more pleasure than do the mangy dogs when you rub them. Yea, but, said + Grangousier, which torchecul did you find to be the best? I was coming to + it, said Gargantua, and by-and-by shall you hear the tu autem, and know + the whole mystery and knot of the matter. I wiped myself with hay, with + straw, with thatch-rushes, with flax, with wool, with paper, but, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Who his foul tail with paper wipes, +Shall at his ballocks leave some chips. +</pre> + <p> + What, said Grangousier, my little rogue, hast thou been at the pot, that + thou dost rhyme already? Yes, yes, my lord the king, answered Gargantua, I + can rhyme gallantly, and rhyme till I become hoarse with rheum. Hark, what + our privy says to the skiters: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Shittard, +Squirtard, +Crackard, +Turdous, +Thy bung +Hath flung +Some dung +On us: +Filthard, +Cackard, +Stinkard, +St. Antony’s fire seize on thy toane (bone?), +If thy +Dirty +Dounby +Thou do not wipe, ere thou be gone. +</pre> + <p> + Will you have any more of it? Yes, yes, answered Grangousier. Then, said + Gargantua, + </p> + <p> + A Roundelay. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +In shitting yes’day I did know +The sess I to my arse did owe: +The smell was such came from that slunk, +That I was with it all bestunk: +O had but then some brave Signor +Brought her to me I waited for, +In shitting! +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +I would have cleft her watergap, +And join’d it close to my flipflap, +Whilst she had with her fingers guarded +My foul nockandrow, all bemerded +In shitting. +</pre> + <p> + Now say that I can do nothing! By the Merdi, they are not of my making, + but I heard them of this good old grandam, that you see here, and ever + since have retained them in the budget of my memory. + </p> + <p> + Let us return to our purpose, said Grangousier. What, said Gargantua, to + skite? No, said Grangousier, but to wipe our tail. But, said Gargantua, + will not you be content to pay a puncheon of Breton wine, if I do not + blank and gravel you in this matter, and put you to a non-plus? Yes, + truly, said Grangousier. + </p> + <p> + There is no need of wiping one’s tail, said Gargantua, but when it + is foul; foul it cannot be, unless one have been a-skiting; skite then we + must before we wipe our tails. O my pretty little waggish boy, said + Grangousier, what an excellent wit thou hast? I will make thee very + shortly proceed doctor in the jovial quirks of gay learning, and that, by + G—, for thou hast more wit than age. Now, I prithee, go on in this + torcheculative, or wipe-bummatory discourse, and by my beard I swear, for + one puncheon, thou shalt have threescore pipes, I mean of the good Breton + wine, not that which grows in Britain, but in the good country of Verron. + Afterwards I wiped my bum, said Gargantua, with a kerchief, with a pillow, + with a pantoufle, with a pouch, with a pannier, but that was a wicked and + unpleasant torchecul; then with a hat. Of hats, note that some are shorn, + and others shaggy, some velveted, others covered with taffeties, and + others with satin. The best of all these is the shaggy hat, for it makes a + very neat abstersion of the fecal matter. + </p> + <p> + Afterwards I wiped my tail with a hen, with a cock, with a pullet, with a + calf’s skin, with a hare, with a pigeon, with a cormorant, with an + attorney’s bag, with a montero, with a coif, with a falconer’s + lure. But, to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, + arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and + wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a + goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And + believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your + nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the + said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily + communicated to the bum-gut and the rest of the inwards, in so far as to + come even to the regions of the heart and brains. And think not that the + felicity of the heroes and demigods in the Elysian fields consisteth + either in their asphodel, ambrosia, or nectar, as our old women here used + to say; but in this, according to my judgment, that they wipe their tails + with the neck of a goose, holding her head betwixt their legs, and such is + the opinion of Master John of Scotland, alias Scotus. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XIV.—How Gargantua was taught Latin by a Sophister. + </h2> + <p> + The good man Grangousier having heard this discourse, was ravished with + admiration, considering the high reach and marvellous understanding of his + son Gargantua, and said to his governesses, Philip, king of Macedon, knew + the great wit of his son Alexander by his skilful managing of a horse; for + his horse Bucephalus was so fierce and unruly that none durst adventure to + ride him, after that he had given to his riders such devilish falls, + breaking the neck of this man, the other man’s leg, braining one, + and putting another out of his jawbone. This by Alexander being + considered, one day in the hippodrome (which was a place appointed for the + breaking and managing of great horses), he perceived that the fury of the + horse proceeded merely from the fear he had of his own shadow, whereupon + getting on his back, he run him against the sun, so that the shadow fell + behind, and by that means tamed the horse and brought him to his hand. + Whereby his father, knowing the divine judgment that was in him, caused + him most carefully to be instructed by Aristotle, who at that time was + highly renowned above all the philosophers of Greece. After the same + manner I tell you, that by this only discourse, which now I have here had + before you with my son Gargantua, I know that his understanding doth + participate of some divinity, and that, if he be well taught, and have + that education which is fitting, he will attain to a supreme degree of + wisdom. Therefore will I commit him to some learned man, to have him + indoctrinated according to his capacity, and will spare no cost. Presently + they appointed him a great sophister-doctor, called Master Tubal + Holofernes, who taught him his ABC so well, that he could say it by heart + backwards; and about this he was five years and three months. Then read he + to him Donat, Le Facet, Theodolet, and Alanus in parabolis. About this he + was thirteen years, six months, and two weeks. But you must remark that in + the mean time he did learn to write in Gothic characters, and that he + wrote all his books—for the art of printing was not then in use—and + did ordinarily carry a great pen and inkhorn, weighing about seven + thousand quintals (that is, 700,000 pound weight), the penner whereof was + as big and as long as the great pillars of Enay, and the horn was hanging + to it in great iron chains, it being of the wideness of a tun of merchant + ware. After that he read unto him the book de modis significandi, with the + commentaries of Hurtbise, of Fasquin, of Tropdieux, of Gualhaut, of John + Calf, of Billonio, of Berlinguandus, and a rabble of others; and herein he + spent more than eighteen years and eleven months, and was so well versed + in it that, to try masteries in school disputes with his condisciples, he + would recite it by heart backwards, and did sometimes prove on his + finger-ends to his mother, quod de modis significandi non erat scientia. + Then did he read to him the compost for knowing the age of the moon, the + seasons of the year, and tides of the sea, on which he spent sixteen years + and two months, and that justly at the time that his said preceptor died + of the French pox, which was in the year one thousand four hundred and + twenty. Afterwards he got an old coughing fellow to teach him, named + Master Jobelin Bride, or muzzled dolt, who read unto him Hugutio, Hebrard(‘s) + Grecism, the Doctrinal, the Parts, the Quid est, the Supplementum, + Marmotretus, De moribus in mensa servandis, Seneca de quatuor virtutibus + cardinalibus, Passavantus cum commento, and Dormi secure for the holidays, + and some other of such like mealy stuff, by reading whereof he became as + wise as any we ever since baked in an oven. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XV.—How Gargantua was put under other schoolmasters. + </h2> + <p> + At the last his father perceived that indeed he studied hard, and that, + although he spent all his time in it, he did nevertheless profit nothing, + but which is worse, grew thereby foolish, simple, doted, and blockish, + whereof making a heavy regret to Don Philip of Marays, Viceroy or Depute + King of Papeligosse, he found that it were better for him to learn nothing + at all, than to be taught such-like books, under such schoolmasters; + because their knowledge was nothing but brutishness, and their wisdom but + blunt foppish toys, serving only to bastardize good and noble spirits, and + to corrupt all the flower of youth. That it is so, take, said he, any + young boy of this time who hath only studied two years,—if he have + not a better judgment, a better discourse, and that expressed in better + terms than your son, with a completer carriage and civility to all manner + of persons, account me for ever hereafter a very clounch and bacon-slicer + of Brene. This pleased Grangousier very well, and he commanded that it + should be done. At night at supper, the said Des Marays brought in a young + page of his, of Ville-gouges, called Eudemon, so neat, so trim, so + handsome in his apparel, so spruce, with his hair in so good order, and so + sweet and comely in his behaviour, that he had the resemblance of a little + angel more than of a human creature. Then he said to Grangousier, Do you + see this young boy? He is not as yet full twelve years old. Let us try, if + it please you, what difference there is betwixt the knowledge of the + doting Mateologians of old time and the young lads that are now. The trial + pleased Grangousier, and he commanded the page to begin. Then Eudemon, + asking leave of the vice-king his master so to do, with his cap in his + hand, a clear and open countenance, beautiful and ruddy lips, his eyes + steady, and his looks fixed upon Gargantua with a youthful modesty, + standing up straight on his feet, began very gracefully to commend him; + first, for his virtue and good manners; secondly, for his knowledge, + thirdly, for his nobility; fourthly, for his bodily accomplishments; and, + in the fifth place, most sweetly exhorted him to reverence his father with + all due observancy, who was so careful to have him well brought up. In the + end he prayed him, that he would vouchsafe to admit of him amongst the + least of his servants; for other favour at that time desired he none of + heaven, but that he might do him some grateful and acceptable service. All + this was by him delivered with such proper gestures, such distinct + pronunciation, so pleasant a delivery, in such exquisite fine terms, and + so good Latin, that he seemed rather a Gracchus, a Cicero, an Aemilius of + the time past, than a youth of this age. But all the countenance that + Gargantua kept was, that he fell to crying like a cow, and cast down his + face, hiding it with his cap, nor could they possibly draw one word from + him, no more than a fart from a dead ass. Whereat his father was so + grievously vexed that he would have killed Master Jobelin, but the said + Des Marays withheld him from it by fair persuasions, so that at length he + pacified his wrath. Then Grangousier commanded he should be paid his + wages, that they should whittle him up soundly, like a sophister, with + good drink, and then give him leave to go to all the devils in hell. At + least, said he, today shall it not cost his host much if by chance he + should die as drunk as a Switzer. Master Jobelin being gone out of the + house, Grangousier consulted with the Viceroy what schoolmaster they + should choose for him, and it was betwixt them resolved that Ponocrates, + the tutor of Eudemon, should have the charge, and that they should go + altogether to Paris, to know what was the study of the young men of France + at that time. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XVI.—How Gargantua was sent to Paris, and of the huge + great mare that he rode on; how she destroyed the oxflies of the Beauce. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0010" id="image-0010"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/1-16-036.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="He Went to See the City--1-16-036" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + In the same season Fayoles, the fourth King of Numidia, sent out of the + country of Africa to Grangousier the most hideously great mare that ever + was seen, and of the strangest form, for you know well enough how it is + said that Africa always is productive of some new thing. She was as big as + six elephants, and had her feet cloven into fingers, like Julius Caesar’s + horse, with slouch-hanging ears, like the goats in Languedoc, and a little + horn on her buttock. She was of a burnt sorrel hue, with a little mixture + of dapple-grey spots, but above all she had a horrible tail; for it was + little more or less than every whit as great as the steeple-pillar of St. + Mark beside Langes: and squared as that is, with tuffs and ennicroches or + hair-plaits wrought within one another, no otherwise than as the beards + are upon the ears of corn. + </p> + <p> + If you wonder at this, wonder rather at the tails of the Scythian rams, + which weighed above thirty pounds each; and of the Surian sheep, who need, + if Tenaud say true, a little cart at their heels to bear up their tail, it + is so long and heavy. You female lechers in the plain countries have no + such tails. And she was brought by sea in three carricks and a brigantine + unto the harbour of Olone in Thalmondois. When Grangousier saw her, Here + is, said he, what is fit to carry my son to Paris. So now, in the name of + God, all will be well. He will in times coming be a great scholar. If it + were not, my masters, for the beasts, we should live like clerks. The next + morning—after they had drunk, you must understand—they took + their journey; Gargantua, his pedagogue Ponocrates, and his train, and + with them Eudemon, the young page. And because the weather was fair and + temperate, his father caused to be made for him a pair of dun boots,—Babin + calls them buskins. Thus did they merrily pass their time in travelling on + their high way, always making good cheer, and were very pleasant till they + came a little above Orleans, in which place there was a forest of + five-and-thirty leagues long, and seventeen in breadth, or thereabouts. + This forest was most horribly fertile and copious in dorflies, hornets, + and wasps, so that it was a very purgatory for the poor mares, asses, and + horses. But Gargantua’s mare did avenge herself handsomely of all + the outrages therein committed upon beasts of her kind, and that by a + trick whereof they had no suspicion. For as soon as ever they were entered + into the said forest, and that the wasps had given the assault, she drew + out and unsheathed her tail, and therewith skirmishing, did so sweep them + that she overthrew all the wood alongst and athwart, here and there, this + way and that way, longwise and sidewise, over and under, and felled + everywhere the wood with as much ease as a mower doth the grass, in such + sort that never since hath there been there neither wood nor dorflies: for + all the country was thereby reduced to a plain champaign field. Which + Gargantua took great pleasure to behold, and said to his company no more + but this: Je trouve beau ce (I find this pretty); whereupon that country + hath been ever since that time called Beauce. But all the breakfast the + mare got that day was but a little yawning and gaping, in memory whereof + the gentlemen of Beauce do as yet to this day break their fast with + gaping, which they find to be very good, and do spit the better for it. At + last they came to Paris, where Gargantua refreshed himself two or three + days, making very merry with his folks, and inquiring what men of learning + there were then in the city, and what wine they drunk there. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XVII.—How Gargantua paid his welcome to the Parisians, and + how he took away the great bells of Our Lady’s Church. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0011" id="image-0011"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/1-17-038.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Gargantua Visiting the Shops--1-17-038" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + Some few days after that they had refreshed themselves, he went to see the + city, and was beheld of everybody there with great admiration; for the + people of Paris are so sottish, so badot, so foolish and fond by nature, + that a juggler, a carrier of indulgences, a sumpter-horse, or mule with + cymbals or tinkling bells, a blind fiddler in the middle of a cross lane, + shall draw a greater confluence of people together than an evangelical + preacher. And they pressed so hard upon him that he was constrained to + rest himself upon the towers of Our Lady’s Church. At which place, + seeing so many about him, he said with a loud voice, I believe that these + buzzards will have me to pay them here my welcome hither, and my + Proficiat. It is but good reason. I will now give them their wine, but it + shall be only in sport. Then smiling, he untied his fair braguette, and + drawing out his mentul into the open air, he so bitterly all-to-bepissed + them, that he drowned two hundred and sixty thousand, four hundred and + eighteen, besides the women and little children. Some, nevertheless, of + the company escaped this piss-flood by mere speed of foot, who, when they + were at the higher end of the university, sweating, coughing, spitting, + and out of breath, they began to swear and curse, some in good hot + earnest, and others in jest. Carimari, carimara: golynoly, golynolo. By my + sweet Sanctess, we are washed in sport, a sport truly to laugh at;—in + French, Par ris, for which that city hath been ever since called Paris; + whose name formerly was Leucotia, as Strabo testifieth, lib. quarto, from + the Greek word leukotes, whiteness,—because of the white thighs of + the ladies of that place. And forasmuch as, at this imposition of a new + name, all the people that were there swore everyone by the Sancts of his + parish, the Parisians, which are patched up of all nations and all pieces + of countries, are by nature both good jurors and good jurists, and + somewhat overweening; whereupon Joanninus de Barrauco, libro de + copiositate reverentiarum, thinks that they are called Parisians from the + Greek word parresia, which signifies boldness and liberty in speech. This + done, he considered the great bells, which were in the said towers, and + made them sound very harmoniously. Which whilst he was doing, it came into + his mind that they would serve very well for tingling tantans and ringing + campanels to hang about his mare’s neck when she should be sent back + to his father, as he intended to do, loaded with Brie cheese and fresh + herring. And indeed he forthwith carried them to his lodging. In the + meanwhile there came a master beggar of the friars of St. Anthony to + demand in his canting way the usual benevolence of some hoggish stuff, + who, that he might be heard afar off, and to make the bacon he was in + quest of shake in the very chimneys, made account to filch them away + privily. Nevertheless, he left them behind very honestly, not for that + they were too hot, but that they were somewhat too heavy for his carriage. + This was not he of Bourg, for he was too good a friend of mine. All the + city was risen up in sedition, they being, as you know, upon any slight + occasion, so ready to uproars and insurrections, that foreign nations + wonder at the patience of the kings of France, who do not by good justice + restrain them from such tumultuous courses, seeing the manifold + inconveniences which thence arise from day to day. Would to God I knew the + shop wherein are forged these divisions and factious combinations, that I + might bring them to light in the confraternities of my parish! Believe for + a truth, that the place wherein the people gathered together, were thus + sulphured, hopurymated, moiled, and bepissed, was called Nesle, where then + was, but now is no more, the oracle of Leucotia. There was the case + proposed, and the inconvenience showed of the transporting of the bells. + After they had well ergoted pro and con, they concluded in baralipton, + that they should send the oldest and most sufficient of the faculty unto + Gargantua, to signify unto him the great and horrible prejudice they + sustain by the want of those bells. And notwithstanding the good reasons + given in by some of the university why this charge was fitter for an + orator than a sophister, there was chosen for this purpose our Master + Janotus de Bragmardo. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XVIII.—How Janotus de Bragmardo was sent to Gargantua to + recover the great bells. + </h2> + <p> + Master Janotus, with his hair cut round like a dish a la Caesarine, in his + most antique accoutrement liripipionated with a graduate’s hood, and + having sufficiently antidoted his stomach with oven-marmalades, that is, + bread and holy water of the cellar, transported himself to the lodging of + Gargantua, driving before him three red-muzzled beadles, and dragging + after him five or six artless masters, all thoroughly bedaggled with the + mire of the streets. At their entry Ponocrates met them, who was afraid, + seeing them so disguised, and thought they had been some masquers out of + their wits, which moved him to inquire of one of the said artless masters + of the company what this mummery meant. It was answered him, that they + desired to have their bells restored to them. As soon as Ponocrates heard + that, he ran in all haste to carry the news unto Gargantua, that he might + be ready to answer them, and speedily resolve what was to be done. + Gargantua being advertised hereof, called apart his schoolmaster + Ponocrates, Philotimus, steward of his house, Gymnastes, his esquire, and + Eudemon, and very summarily conferred with them, both of what he should do + and what answer he should give. They were all of opinion that they should + bring them unto the goblet-office, which is the buttery, and there make + them drink like roysters and line their jackets soundly. And that this + cougher might not be puffed up with vain-glory by thinking the bells were + restored at his request, they sent, whilst he was chopining and plying the + pot, for the mayor of the city, the rector of the faculty, and the vicar + of the church, unto whom they resolved to deliver the bells before the + sophister had propounded his commission. After that, in their hearing, he + should pronounce his gallant oration, which was done; and they being come, + the sophister was brought in full hall, and began as followeth, in + coughing. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0019" id="link2HCH0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XIX.—The oration of Master Janotus de Bragmardo for + recovery of the bells. + </h2> + <p> + Hem, hem, gud-day, sirs, gud-day. Et vobis, my masters. It were but reason + that you should restore to us our bells; for we have great need of them. + Hem, hem, aihfuhash. We have oftentimes heretofore refused good money for + them of those of London in Cahors, yea and those of Bourdeaux in Brie, who + would have bought them for the substantific quality of the elementary + complexion, which is intronificated in the terrestreity of their + quidditative nature, to extraneize the blasting mists and whirlwinds upon + our vines, indeed not ours, but these round about us. For if we lose the + piot and liquor of the grape, we lose all, both sense and law. If you + restore them unto us at my request, I shall gain by it six basketfuls of + sausages and a fine pair of breeches, which will do my legs a great deal + of good, or else they will not keep their promise to me. Ho by gob, + Domine, a pair of breeches is good, et vir sapiens non abhorrebit eam. Ha, + ha, a pair of breeches is not so easily got; I have experience of it + myself. Consider, Domine, I have been these eighteen days in + matagrabolizing this brave speech. Reddite quae sunt Caesaris, Caesari, et + quae sunt Dei, Deo. Ibi jacet lepus. By my faith, Domine, if you will sup + with me in cameris, by cox body, charitatis, nos faciemus bonum cherubin. + Ego occiditunum porcum, et ego habet bonum vino: but of good wine we + cannot make bad Latin. Well, de parte Dei date nobis bellas nostras. Hold, + I give you in the name of the faculty a Sermones de Utino, that utinam you + would give us our bells. Vultis etiam pardonos? Per diem vos habebitis, et + nihil payabitis. O, sir, Domine, bellagivaminor nobis; verily, est bonum + vobis. They are useful to everybody. If they fit your mare well, so do + they do our faculty; quae comparata est jumentis insipientibus, et similis + facta est eis, Psalmo nescio quo. Yet did I quote it in my note-book, et + est unum bonum Achilles, a good defending argument. Hem, hem, hem, + haikhash! For I prove unto you, that you should give me them. Ego sic + argumentor. Omnis bella bellabilis in bellerio bellando, bellans, + bellativo, bellare facit, bellabiliter bellantes. Parisius habet bellas. + Ergo gluc, Ha, ha, ha. This is spoken to some purpose. It is in tertio + primae, in Darii, or elsewhere. By my soul, I have seen the time that I + could play the devil in arguing, but now I am much failed, and + henceforward want nothing but a cup of good wine, a good bed, my back to + the fire, my belly to the table, and a good deep dish. Hei, Domine, I + beseech you, in nomine Patris, Filii, et Spiritus sancti, Amen, to restore + unto us our bells: and God keep you from evil, and our Lady from health, + qui vivit et regnat per omnia secula seculorum, Amen. Hem, + hashchehhawksash, qzrchremhemhash. + </p> + <p> + Verum enim vero, quandoquidem, dubio procul. Edepol, quoniam, ita certe, + medius fidius; a town without bells is like a blind man without a staff, + an ass without a crupper, and a cow without cymbals. Therefore be assured, + until you have restored them unto us, we will never leave crying after + you, like a blind man that hath lost his staff, braying like an ass + without a crupper, and making a noise like a cow without cymbals. A + certain latinisator, dwelling near the hospital, said since, producing the + authority of one Taponnus,—I lie, it was one Pontanus the secular + poet, —who wished those bells had been made of feathers, and the + clapper of a foxtail, to the end they might have begot a chronicle in the + bowels of his brain, when he was about the composing of his carminiformal + lines. But nac petetin petetac, tic, torche lorgne, or rot kipipur kipipot + put pantse malf, he was declared an heretic. We make them as of wax. And + no more saith the deponent. Valete et plaudite. Calepinus recensui. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0020" id="link2HCH0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XX.—How the Sophister carried away his cloth, and how he + had a suit in law against the other masters. + </h2> + <p> + The sophister had no sooner ended, but Ponocrates and Eudemon burst out in + a laughing so heartily, that they had almost split with it, and given up + the ghost, in rendering their souls to God: even just as Crassus did, + seeing a lubberly ass eat thistles; and as Philemon, who, for seeing an + ass eat those figs which were provided for his own dinner, died with force + of laughing. Together with them Master Janotus fell a-laughing too as fast + as he could, in which mood of laughing they continued so long, that their + eyes did water by the vehement concussion of the substance of the brain, + by which these lachrymal humidities, being pressed out, glided through the + optic nerves, and so to the full represented Democritus Heraclitizing and + Heraclitus Democritizing. + </p> + <p> + When they had done laughing, Gargantua consulted with the prime of his + retinue what should be done. There Ponocrates was of opinion that they + should make this fair orator drink again; and seeing he had showed them + more pastime, and made them laugh more than a natural soul could have + done, that they should give him ten baskets full of sausages, mentioned in + his pleasant speech, with a pair of hose, three hundred great billets of + logwood, five-and-twenty hogsheads of wine, a good large down-bed, and a + deep capacious dish, which he said were necessary for his old age. All + this was done as they did appoint: only Gargantua, doubting that they + could not quickly find out breeches fit for his wearing, because he knew + not what fashion would best become the said orator, whether the martingale + fashion of breeches, wherein is a spunghole with a drawbridge for the more + easy caguing: or the fashion of the mariners, for the greater solace and + comfort of his kidneys: or that of the Switzers, which keeps warm the + bedondaine or belly-tabret: or round breeches with straight cannions, + having in the seat a piece like a cod’s tail, for fear of + over-heating his reins:—all which considered, he caused to be given + him seven ells of white cloth for the linings. The wood was carried by the + porters, the masters of arts carried the sausages and the dishes, and + Master Janotus himself would carry the cloth. One of the said masters, + called Jousse Bandouille, showed him that it was not seemly nor decent for + one of his condition to do so, and that therefore he should deliver it to + one of them. Ha, said Janotus, baudet, baudet, or blockhead, blockhead, + thou dost not conclude in modo et figura. For lo, to this end serve the + suppositions and parva logicalia. Pannus, pro quo supponit? Confuse, said + Bandouille, et distributive. I do not ask thee, said Janotus, blockhead, + quomodo supponit, but pro quo? It is, blockhead, pro tibiis meis, and + therefore I will carry it, Egomet, sicut suppositum portat appositum. So + did he carry it away very close and covertly, as Patelin the buffoon did + his cloth. The best was, that when this cougher, in a full act or assembly + held at the Mathurins, had with great confidence required his breeches and + sausages, and that they were flatly denied him, because he had them of + Gargantua, according to the informations thereupon made, he showed them + that this was gratis, and out of his liberality, by which they were not in + any sort quit of their promises. Notwithstanding this, it was answered him + that he should be content with reason, without expectation of any other + bribe there. Reason? said Janotus. We use none of it here. Unlucky + traitors, you are not worth the hanging. The earth beareth not more arrant + villains than you are. I know it well enough; halt not before the lame. I + have practised wickedness with you. By God’s rattle, I will inform + the king of the enormous abuses that are forged here and carried underhand + by you, and let me be a leper, if he do not burn you alive like sodomites, + traitors, heretics and seducers, enemies to God and virtue. + </p> + <p> + Upon these words they framed articles against him: he on the other side + warned them to appear. In sum, the process was retained by the court, and + is there as yet. Hereupon the magisters made a vow never to decrott + themselves in rubbing off the dirt of either their shoes or clothes: + Master Janotus with his adherents vowed never to blow or snuff their + noses, until judgment were given by a definitive sentence. + </p> + <p> + By these vows do they continue unto this time both dirty and snotty; for + the court hath not garbled, sifted, and fully looked into all the pieces + as yet. The judgment or decree shall be given out and pronounced at the + next Greek kalends, that is, never. As you know that they do more than + nature, and contrary to their own articles. The articles of Paris maintain + that to God alone belongs infinity, and nature produceth nothing that is + immortal; for she putteth an end and period to all things by her + engendered, according to the saying, Omnia orta cadunt, &c. But these + thick mist-swallowers make the suits in law depending before them both + infinite and immortal. In doing whereof, they have given occasion to, and + verified the saying of Chilo the Lacedaemonian, consecrated to the oracle + at Delphos, that misery is the inseparable companion of law-debates; and + that pleaders are miserable; for sooner shall they attain to the end of + their lives, than to the final decision of their pretended rights. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0021" id="link2HCH0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XXI.—The study of Gargantua, according to the discipline + of his schoolmasters the Sophisters. + </h2> + <p> + The first day being thus spent, and the bells put up again in their own + place, the citizens of Paris, in acknowledgment of this courtesy, offered + to maintain and feed his mare as long as he pleased, which Gargantua took + in good part, and they sent her to graze in the forest of Biere. I think + she is not there now. This done, he with all his heart submitted his study + to the discretion of Ponocrates; who for the beginning appointed that he + should do as he was accustomed, to the end he might understand by what + means, in so long time, his old masters had made him so sottish and + ignorant. He disposed therefore of his time in such fashion, that + ordinarily he did awake betwixt eight and nine o’clock, whether it + was day or not, for so had his ancient governors ordained, alleging that + which David saith, Vanum est vobis ante lucem surgere. Then did he tumble + and toss, wag his legs, and wallow in the bed some time, the better to + stir up and rouse his vital spirits, and apparelled himself according to + the season: but willingly he would wear a great long gown of thick frieze, + furred with fox-skins. Afterwards he combed his head with an Almain comb, + which is the four fingers and the thumb. For his preceptor said that to + comb himself otherwise, to wash and make himself neat, was to lose time in + this world. Then he dunged, pissed, spewed, belched, cracked, yawned, + spitted, coughed, yexed, sneezed and snotted himself like an archdeacon, + and, to suppress the dew and bad air, went to breakfast, having some good + fried tripes, fair rashers on the coals, excellent gammons of bacon, store + of fine minced meat, and a great deal of sippet brewis, made up of the fat + of the beef-pot, laid upon bread, cheese, and chopped parsley strewed + together. Ponocrates showed him that he ought not to eat so soon after + rising out of his bed, unless he had performed some exercise beforehand. + Gargantua answered, What! have not I sufficiently well exercised myself? I + have wallowed and rolled myself six or seven turns in my bed before I + rose. Is not that enough? Pope Alexander did so, by the advice of a Jew + his physician, and lived till his dying day in despite of his enemies. My + first masters have used me to it, saying that to breakfast made a good + memory, and therefore they drank first. I am very well after it, and dine + but the better. And Master Tubal, who was the first licenciate at Paris, + told me that it was not enough to run apace, but to set forth betimes: so + doth not the total welfare of our humanity depend upon perpetual drinking + in a ribble rabble, like ducks, but on drinking early in the morning; unde + versus, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +To rise betimes is no good hour, +To drink betimes is better sure. +</pre> + <p> + After that he had thoroughly broke his fast, he went to church, and they + carried to him, in a great basket, a huge impantoufled or thick-covered + breviary, weighing, what in grease, clasps, parchment and cover, little + more or less than eleven hundred and six pounds. There he heard + six-and-twenty or thirty masses. This while, to the same place came his + orison-mutterer impaletocked, or lapped up about the chin like a tufted + whoop, and his breath pretty well antidoted with store of the + vine-tree-syrup. With him he mumbled all his kiriels and dunsical + breborions, which he so curiously thumbed and fingered, that there fell + not so much as one grain to the ground. As he went from the church, they + brought him, upon a dray drawn with oxen, a confused heap of paternosters + and aves of St. Claude, every one of them being of the bigness of a + hat-block; and thus walking through the cloisters, galleries, or garden, + he said more in turning them over than sixteen hermits would have done. + Then did he study some paltry half-hour with his eyes fixed upon his book; + but, as the comic saith, his mind was in the kitchen. Pissing then a full + urinal, he sat down at table; and because he was naturally phlegmatic, he + began his meal with some dozens of gammons, dried neat’s tongues, + hard roes of mullet, called botargos, andouilles or sausages, and such + other forerunners of wine. In the meanwhile, four of his folks did cast + into his mouth one after another continually mustard by whole shovelfuls. + Immediately after that, he drank a horrible draught of white wine for the + ease of his kidneys. When that was done, he ate according to the season + meat agreeable to his appetite, and then left off eating when his belly + began to strout, and was like to crack for fulness. As for his drinking, + he had in that neither end nor rule. For he was wont to say, That the + limits and bounds of drinking were, when the cork of the shoes of him that + drinketh swelleth up half a foot high. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0022" id="link2HCH0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XXII.—The games of Gargantua. + </h2> + <p> + Then blockishly mumbling with a set on countenance a piece of scurvy + grace, he washed his hands in fresh wine, picked his teeth with the foot + of a hog, and talked jovially with his attendants. Then the carpet being + spread, they brought plenty of cards, many dice, with great store and + abundance of chequers and chessboards. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +There he played. +At flush. At love. +At primero. At the chess. +At the beast. At Reynard the fox. +At the rifle. At the squares. +At trump. At the cows. +At the prick and spare not. At the lottery. +At the hundred. At the chance or mumchance. +At the peeny. At three dice or maniest bleaks. +At the unfortunate woman. At the tables. +At the fib. At nivinivinack. +At the pass ten. At the lurch. +At one-and-thirty. At doublets or queen’s game. +At post and pair, or even and At the faily. +sequence. At the French trictrac. +At three hundred. At the long tables or ferkeering. +At the unlucky man. At feldown. +At the last couple in hell. At tod’s body. +At the hock. At needs must. +At the surly. At the dames or draughts. +At the lansquenet. At bob and mow. +At the cuckoo. At primus secundus. +At puff, or let him speak that At mark-knife. +hath it. At the keys. +At take nothing and throw out. At span-counter. +At the marriage. At even or odd. +At the frolic or jackdaw. At cross or pile. +At the opinion. At ball and huckle-bones. +At who doth the one, doth the At ivory balls. +other. At the billiards. +At the sequences. At bob and hit. +At the ivory bundles. At the owl. +At the tarots. At the charming of the hare. +At losing load him. At pull yet a little. +At he’s gulled and esto. At trudgepig. +At the torture. At the magatapies. +At the handruff. At the horn. +At the click. At the flowered or Shrovetide ox. +At honours. At the madge-owlet. +At pinch without laughing. At tilt at weeky. +At prickle me tickle me. At ninepins. +At the unshoeing of the ass. At the cock quintin. +At the cocksess. At tip and hurl. +At hari hohi. At the flat bowls. +At I set me down. At the veer and turn. +At earl beardy. At rogue and ruffian. +At the old mode. At bumbatch touch. +At draw the spit. At the mysterious trough. +At put out. At the short bowls. +At gossip lend me your sack. At the dapple-grey. +At the ramcod ball. At cock and crank it. +At thrust out the harlot. At break-pot. +At Marseilles figs. At my desire. +At nicknamry. At twirly whirlytrill. +At stick and hole. At the rush bundles. +At boke or him, or flaying the fox. At the short staff. +At the branching it. At the whirling gig. +At trill madam, or grapple my lady. At hide and seek, or are you all +At the cat selling. hid? +At blow the coal. At the picket. +At the re-wedding. At the blank. +At the quick and dead judge. At the pilferers. +At unoven the iron. At the caveson. +At the false clown. At prison bars. +At the flints, or at the nine stones.At have at the nuts. +At to the crutch hulch back. At cherry-pit. +At the Sanct is found. At rub and rice. +At hinch, pinch and laugh not. At whiptop. +At the leek. At the casting top. +At bumdockdousse. At the hobgoblins. +At the loose gig. At the O wonderful. +At the hoop. At the soily smutchy. +At the sow. At fast and loose. +At belly to belly. At scutchbreech. +At the dales or straths. At the broom-besom. +At the twigs. At St. Cosme, I come to adore +At the quoits. thee. +At I’m for that. At the lusty brown boy. +At I take you napping. At greedy glutton. +At fair and softly passeth Lent. At the morris dance. +At the forked oak. At feeby. +At truss. At the whole frisk and gambol. +At the wolf’s tail. At battabum, or riding of the +At bum to buss, or nose in breech. wild mare. +At Geordie, give me my lance. At Hind the ploughman. +At swaggy, waggy or shoggyshou. At the good mawkin. +At stook and rook, shear and At the dead beast. +threave. At climb the ladder, Billy. +At the birch. At the dying hog. +At the muss. At the salt doup. +At the dilly dilly darling. At the pretty pigeon. +At ox moudy. At barley break. +At purpose in purpose. At the bavine. +At nine less. At the bush leap. +At blind-man-buff. At crossing. +At the fallen bridges. At bo-peep. +At bridled nick. At the hardit arsepursy. +At the white at butts. At the harrower’s nest. +At thwack swinge him. At forward hey. +At apple, pear, plum. At the fig. +At mumgi. At gunshot crack. +At the toad. At mustard peel. +At cricket. At the gome. +At the pounding stick. At the relapse. +At jack and the box. At jog breech, or prick him +At the queens. forward. +At the trades. At knockpate. +At heads and points. At the Cornish c(h)ough. +At the vine-tree hug. At the crane-dance. +At black be thy fall. At slash and cut. +At ho the distaff. At bobbing, or flirt on the +At Joan Thomson. nose. +At the bolting cloth. At the larks. +At the oat’s seed. At fillipping. +</pre> + <p> + After he had thus well played, revelled, past and spent his time, it was + thought fit to drink a little, and that was eleven glassfuls the man, and, + immediately after making good cheer again, he would stretch himself upon a + fair bench, or a good large bed, and there sleep two or three hours + together, without thinking or speaking any hurt. After he was awakened he + would shake his ears a little. In the mean time they brought him fresh + wine. There he drank better than ever. Ponocrates showed him that it was + an ill diet to drink so after sleeping. It is, answered Gargantua, the + very life of the patriarchs and holy fathers; for naturally I sleep salt, + and my sleep hath been to me in stead of so many gammons of bacon. Then + began he to study a little, and out came the paternosters or rosary of + beads, which the better and more formally to despatch, he got upon an old + mule, which had served nine kings, and so mumbling with his mouth, nodding + and doddling his head, would go see a coney ferreted or caught in a gin. + At his return he went into the kitchen to know what roast meat was on the + spit, and what otherwise was to be dressed for supper. And supped very + well, upon my conscience, and commonly did invite some of his neighbours + that were good drinkers, with whom carousing and drinking merrily, they + told stories of all sorts from the old to the new. Amongst others he had + for domestics the Lords of Fou, of Gourville, of Griniot, and of Marigny. + After supper were brought in upon the place the fair wooden gospels and + the books of the four kings, that is to say, many pairs of tables and + cards—or the fair flush, one, two, three—or at all, to make + short work; or else they went to see the wenches thereabouts, with little + small banquets, intermixed with collations and rear-suppers. Then did he + sleep, without unbridling, until eight o’clock in the next morning. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0023" id="link2HCH0023"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XXIII.—How Gargantua was instructed by Ponocrates, and in + such sort disciplinated, that he lost not one hour of the day. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0012" id="image-0012"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/1-23-048.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="He Did Swim in Deep Waters--1-23-048" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + When Ponocrates knew Gargantua’s vicious manner of living, he + resolved to bring him up in another kind; but for a while he bore with + him, considering that nature cannot endure a sudden change, without great + violence. Therefore, to begin his work the better, he requested a learned + physician of that time, called Master Theodorus, seriously to perpend, if + it were possible, how to bring Gargantua into a better course. The said + physician purged him canonically with Anticyrian hellebore, by which + medicine he cleansed all the alteration and perverse habitude of his + brain. By this means also Ponocrates made him forget all that he had + learned under his ancient preceptors, as Timotheus did to his disciples, + who had been instructed under other musicians. To do this the better, they + brought him into the company of learned men, which were there, in whose + imitation he had a great desire and affection to study otherwise, and to + improve his parts. Afterwards he put himself into such a road and way of + studying, that he lost not any one hour in the day, but employed all his + time in learning and honest knowledge. Gargantua awaked, then, about four + o’clock in the morning. Whilst they were in rubbing of him, there + was read unto him some chapter of the holy Scripture aloud and clearly, + with a pronunciation fit for the matter, and hereunto was appointed a + young page born in Basche, named Anagnostes. According to the purpose and + argument of that lesson, he oftentimes gave himself to worship, adore, + pray, and send up his supplications to that good God, whose Word did show + his majesty and marvellous judgment. Then went he unto the secret places + to make excretion of his natural digestions. There his master repeated + what had been read, expounding unto him the most obscure and difficult + points. In returning, they considered the face of the sky, if it was such + as they had observed it the night before, and into what signs the sun was + entering, as also the moon for that day. This done, he was apparelled, + combed, curled, trimmed, and perfumed, during which time they repeated to + him the lessons of the day before. He himself said them by heart, and upon + them would ground some practical cases concerning the estate of man, which + he would prosecute sometimes two or three hours, but ordinarily they + ceased as soon as he was fully clothed. Then for three good hours he had a + lecture read unto him. This done they went forth, still conferring of the + substance of the lecture, either unto a field near the university called + the Brack, or unto the meadows, where they played at the ball, the + long-tennis, and at the piletrigone (which is a play wherein we throw a + triangular piece of iron at a ring, to pass it), most gallantly exercising + their bodies, as formerly they had done their minds. All their play was + but in liberty, for they left off when they pleased, and that was commonly + when they did sweat over all their body, or were otherwise weary. Then + were they very well wiped and rubbed, shifted their shirts, and, walking + soberly, went to see if dinner was ready. Whilst they stayed for that, + they did clearly and eloquently pronounce some sentences that they had + retained of the lecture. In the meantime Master Appetite came, and then + very orderly sat they down at table. At the beginning of the meal there + was read some pleasant history of the warlike actions of former times, + until he had taken a glass of wine. Then, if they thought good, they + continued reading, or began to discourse merrily together; speaking first + of the virtue, propriety, efficacy, and nature of all that was served in + at the table; of bread, of wine, of water, of salt, of fleshes, fishes, + fruits, herbs, roots, and of their dressing. By means whereof he learned + in a little time all the passages competent for this that were to be found + in Pliny, Athenaeus, Dioscorides, Julius Pollux, Galen, Porphyry, Oppian, + Polybius, Heliodore, Aristotle, Aelian, and others. Whilst they talked of + these things, many times, to be the more certain, they caused the very + books to be brought to the table, and so well and perfectly did he in his + memory retain the things above said, that in that time there was not a + physician that knew half so much as he did. Afterwards they conferred of + the lessons read in the morning, and, ending their repast with some + conserve or marmalade of quinces, he picked his teeth with mastic + tooth-pickers, washed his hands and eyes with fair fresh water, and gave + thanks unto God in some fine cantiques, made in praise of the divine + bounty and munificence. This done, they brought in cards, not to play, but + to learn a thousand pretty tricks and new inventions, which were all + grounded upon arithmetic. By this means he fell in love with that + numerical science, and every day after dinner and supper he passed his + time in it as pleasantly as he was wont to do at cards and dice; so that + at last he understood so well both the theory and practical part thereof, + that Tunstall the Englishman, who had written very largely of that + purpose, confessed that verily in comparison of him he had no skill at + all. And not only in that, but in the other mathematical sciences, as + geometry, astronomy, music, &c. For in waiting on the concoction and + attending the digestion of his food, they made a thousand pretty + instruments and geometrical figures, and did in some measure practise the + astronomical canons. + </p> + <p> + After this they recreated themselves with singing musically, in four or + five parts, or upon a set theme or ground at random, as it best pleased + them. In matter of musical instruments, he learned to play upon the lute, + the virginals, the harp, the Almain flute with nine holes, the viol, and + the sackbut. This hour thus spent, and digestion finished, he did purge + his body of natural excrements, then betook himself to his principal study + for three hours together, or more, as well to repeat his matutinal + lectures as to proceed in the book wherein he was, as also to write + handsomely, to draw and form the antique and Roman letters. This being + done, they went out of their house, and with them a young gentleman of + Touraine, named the Esquire Gymnast, who taught him the art of riding. + Changing then his clothes, he rode a Naples courser, a Dutch roussin, a + Spanish jennet, a barded or trapped steed, then a light fleet horse, unto + whom he gave a hundred carieres, made him go the high saults, bounding in + the air, free the ditch with a skip, leap over a stile or pale, turn short + in a ring both to the right and left hand. There he broke not his lance; + for it is the greatest foolery in the world to say, I have broken ten + lances at tilts or in fight. A carpenter can do even as much. But it is a + glorious and praise-worthy action with one lance to break and overthrow + ten enemies. Therefore, with a sharp, stiff, strong, and well-steeled + lance would he usually force up a door, pierce a harness, beat down a + tree, carry away the ring, lift up a cuirassier saddle, with the mail-coat + and gauntlet. All this he did in complete arms from head to foot. As for + the prancing flourishes and smacking popisms for the better cherishing of + the horse, commonly used in riding, none did them better than he. The + cavallerize of Ferrara was but as an ape compared to him. He was + singularly skilful in leaping nimbly from one horse to another without + putting foot to ground, and these horses were called desultories. He could + likewise from either side, with a lance in his hand, leap on horseback + without stirrups, and rule the horse at his pleasure without a bridle, for + such things are useful in military engagements. Another day he exercised + the battle-axe, which he so dexterously wielded, both in the nimble, + strong, and smooth management of that weapon, and that in all the feats + practicable by it, that he passed knight of arms in the field, and at all + essays. + </p> + <p> + Then tossed he the pike, played with the two-handed sword, with the + backsword, with the Spanish tuck, the dagger, poniard, armed, unarmed, + with a buckler, with a cloak, with a target. Then would he hunt the hart, + the roebuck, the bear, the fallow deer, the wild boar, the hare, the + pheasant, the partridge, and the bustard. He played at the balloon, and + made it bound in the air, both with fist and foot. He wrestled, ran, + jumped—not at three steps and a leap, called the hops, nor at + clochepied, called the hare’s leap, nor yet at the Almains; for, + said Gymnast, these jumps are for the wars altogether unprofitable, and of + no use—but at one leap he would skip over a ditch, spring over a + hedge, mount six paces upon a wall, ramp and grapple after this fashion up + against a window of the full height of a lance. He did swim in deep waters + on his belly, on his back, sideways, with all his body, with his feet + only, with one hand in the air, wherein he held a book, crossing thus the + breadth of the river of Seine without wetting it, and dragged along his + cloak with his teeth, as did Julius Caesar; then with the help of one hand + he entered forcibly into a boat, from whence he cast himself again + headlong into the water, sounded the depths, hollowed the rocks, and + plunged into the pits and gulfs. Then turned he the boat about, governed + it, led it swiftly or slowly with the stream and against the stream, + stopped it in his course, guided it with one hand, and with the other laid + hard about him with a huge great oar, hoisted the sail, hied up along the + mast by the shrouds, ran upon the edge of the decks, set the compass in + order, tackled the bowlines, and steered the helm. Coming out of the + water, he ran furiously up against a hill, and with the same alacrity and + swiftness ran down again. He climbed up at trees like a cat, and leaped + from the one to the other like a squirrel. He did pull down the great + boughs and branches like another Milo; then with two sharp well-steeled + daggers and two tried bodkins would he run up by the wall to the very top + of a house like a rat; then suddenly came down from the top to the bottom, + with such an even composition of members that by the fall he would catch + no harm. + </p> + <p> + He did cast the dart, throw the bar, put the stone, practise the javelin, + the boar-spear or partisan, and the halbert. He broke the strongest bows + in drawing, bended against his breast the greatest crossbows of steel, + took his aim by the eye with the hand-gun, and shot well, traversed and + planted the cannon, shot at butt-marks, at the papgay from below upwards, + or to a height from above downwards, or to a descent; then before him, + sideways, and behind him, like the Parthians. They tied a cable-rope to + the top of a high tower, by one end whereof hanging near the ground he + wrought himself with his hands to the very top; then upon the same track + came down so sturdily and firm that you could not on a plain meadow have + run with more assurance. They set up a great pole fixed upon two trees. + There would he hang by his hands, and with them alone, his feet touching + at nothing, would go back and fore along the foresaid rope with so great + swiftness that hardly could one overtake him with running; and then, to + exercise his breast and lungs, he would shout like all the devils in hell. + I heard him once call Eudemon from St. Victor’s gate to Montmartre. + Stentor had never such a voice at the siege of Troy. Then for the + strengthening of his nerves or sinews they made him two great sows of + lead, each of them weighing eight thousand and seven hundred quintals, + which they called alteres. Those he took up from the ground, in each hand + one, then lifted them up over his head, and held them so without stirring + three quarters of an hour and more, which was an inimitable force. He + fought at barriers with the stoutest and most vigorous champions; and when + it came to the cope, he stood so sturdily on his feet that he abandoned + himself unto the strongest, in case they could remove him from his place, + as Milo was wont to do of old. In whose imitation, likewise, he held a + pomegranate in his hand, to give it unto him that could take it from him. + The time being thus bestowed, and himself rubbed, cleansed, wiped, and + refreshed with other clothes, he returned fair and softly; and passing + through certain meadows, or other grassy places, beheld the trees and + plants, comparing them with what is written of them in the books of the + ancients, such as Theophrast, Dioscorides, Marinus, Pliny, Nicander, + Macer, and Galen, and carried home to the house great handfuls of them, + whereof a young page called Rizotomos had charge; together with little + mattocks, pickaxes, grubbing-hooks, cabbies, pruning-knives, and other + instruments requisite for herborizing. Being come to their lodging, whilst + supper was making ready, they repeated certain passages of that which hath + been read, and sat down to table. Here remark, that his dinner was sober + and thrifty, for he did then eat only to prevent the gnawings of his + stomach, but his supper was copious and large, for he took then as much as + was fit to maintain and nourish him; which, indeed, is the true diet + prescribed by the art of good and sound physic, although a rabble of + loggerheaded physicians, nuzzeled in the brabbling shop of sophisters, + counsel the contrary. During that repast was continued the lesson read at + dinner as long as they thought good; the rest was spent in good discourse, + learned and profitable. After that they had given thanks, he set himself + to sing vocally, and play upon harmonious instruments, or otherwise passed + his time at some pretty sports, made with cards or dice, or in practising + the feats of legerdemain with cups and balls. There they stayed some + nights in frolicking thus, and making themselves merry till it was time to + go to bed; and on other nights they would go make visits unto learned men, + or to such as had been travellers in strange and remote countries. When it + was full night before they retired themselves, they went unto the most + open place of the house to see the face of the sky, and there beheld the + comets, if any were, as likewise the figures, situations, aspects, + oppositions, and conjunctions of both the fixed stars and planets. + </p> + <p> + Then with his master did he briefly recapitulate, after the manner of the + Pythagoreans, that which he had read, seen, learned, done, and understood + in the whole course of that day. + </p> + <p> + Then prayed they unto God the Creator, in falling down before him, and + strengthening their faith towards him, and glorifying him for his + boundless bounty; and, giving thanks unto him for the time that was past, + they recommended themselves to his divine clemency for the future. Which + being done, they went to bed, and betook themselves to their repose and + rest. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0024" id="link2HCH0024"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XXIV.—How Gargantua spent his time in rainy weather. + </h2> + <p> + If it happened that the weather were anything cloudy, foul, and rainy, all + the forenoon was employed, as before specified, according to custom, with + this difference only, that they had a good clear fire lighted to correct + the distempers of the air. But after dinner, instead of their wonted + exercitations, they did abide within, and, by way of apotherapy (that is, + a making the body healthful by exercise), did recreate themselves in + bottling up of hay, in cleaving and sawing of wood, and in threshing + sheaves of corn at the barn. Then they studied the art of painting or + carving; or brought into use the antique play of tables, as Leonicus hath + written of it, and as our good friend Lascaris playeth at it. In playing + they examined the passages of ancient authors wherein the said play is + mentioned or any metaphor drawn from it. They went likewise to see the + drawing of metals, or the casting of great ordnance; how the lapidaries + did work; as also the goldsmiths and cutters of precious stones. Nor did + they omit to visit the alchemists, money-coiners, upholsterers, weavers, + velvet-workers, watchmakers, looking-glass framers, printers, organists, + and other such kind of artificers, and, everywhere giving them somewhat to + drink, did learn and consider the industry and invention of the trades. + They went also to hear the public lectures, the solemn commencements, the + repetitions, the acclamations, the pleadings of the gentle lawyers, and + sermons of evangelical preachers. He went through the halls and places + appointed for fencing, and there played against the masters themselves at + all weapons, and showed them by experience that he knew as much in it as, + yea, more than, they. And, instead of herborizing, they visited the shops + of druggists, herbalists, and apothecaries, and diligently considered the + fruits, roots, leaves, gums, seeds, the grease and ointments of some + foreign parts, as also how they did adulterate them. He went to see the + jugglers, tumblers, mountebanks, and quacksalvers, and considered their + cunning, their shifts, their somersaults and smooth tongue, especially of + those of Chauny in Picardy, who are naturally great praters, and brave + givers of fibs, in matter of green apes. + </p> + <p> + At their return they did eat more soberly at supper than at other times, + and meats more desiccative and extenuating; to the end that the + intemperate moisture of the air, communicated to the body by a necessary + confinitive, might by this means be corrected, and that they might not + receive any prejudice for want of their ordinary bodily exercise. Thus was + Gargantua governed, and kept on in this course of education, from day to + day profiting, as you may understand such a young man of his age may, of a + pregnant judgment, with good discipline well continued. Which, although at + the beginning it seemed difficult, became a little after so sweet, so + easy, and so delightful, that it seemed rather the recreation of a king + than the study of a scholar. Nevertheless Ponocrates, to divert him from + this vehement intension of the spirits, thought fit, once in a month, upon + some fair and clear day, to go out of the city betimes in the morning, + either towards Gentilly, or Boulogne, or to Montrouge, or Charanton + bridge, or to Vanves, or St. Clou, and there spend all the day long in + making the greatest cheer that could be devised, sporting, making merry, + drinking healths, playing, singing, dancing, tumbling in some fair meadow, + unnestling of sparrows, taking of quails, and fishing for frogs and crabs. + But although that day was passed without books or lecture, yet was it not + spent without profit; for in the said meadows they usually repeated + certain pleasant verses of Virgil’s agriculture, of Hesiod and of + Politian’s husbandry, would set a-broach some witty Latin epigrams, + then immediately turned them into roundelays and songs for dancing in the + French language. In their feasting they would sometimes separate the water + from the wine that was therewith mixed, as Cato teacheth, De re rustica, + and Pliny with an ivy cup would wash the wine in a basinful of water, then + take it out again with a funnel as pure as ever. They made the water go + from one glass to another, and contrived a thousand little automatory + engines, that is to say, moving of themselves. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0025" id="link2HCH0025"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XXV.—How there was great strife and debate raised betwixt + the cake-bakers of Lerne, and those of Gargantua’s country, + whereupon were waged great wars. + </h2> + <p> + At that time, which was the season of vintage, in the beginning of + harvest, when the country shepherds were set to keep the vines, and hinder + the starlings from eating up the grapes, as some cake-bakers of Lerne + happened to pass along in the broad highway, driving into the city ten or + twelve horses loaded with cakes, the said shepherds courteously entreated + them to give them some for their money, as the price then ruled in the + market. For here it is to be remarked, that it is a celestial food to eat + for breakfast hot fresh cakes with grapes, especially the frail clusters, + the great red grapes, the muscadine, the verjuice grape, and the laskard, + for those that are costive in their belly, because it will make them gush + out, and squirt the length of a hunter’s staff, like the very tap of + a barrel; and oftentimes, thinking to let a squib, they did + all-to-besquatter and conskite themselves, whereupon they are commonly + called the vintage thinkers. The bun-sellers or cake-makers were in + nothing inclinable to their request; but, which was worse, did injure them + most outrageously, calling them prattling gabblers, lickorous gluttons, + freckled bittors, mangy rascals, shite-a-bed scoundrels, drunken roysters, + sly knaves, drowsy loiterers, slapsauce fellows, slabberdegullion + druggels, lubberly louts, cozening foxes, ruffian rogues, paltry + customers, sycophant-varlets, drawlatch hoydens, flouting milksops, + jeering companions, staring clowns, forlorn snakes, ninny lobcocks, scurvy + sneaksbies, fondling fops, base loons, saucy coxcombs, idle lusks, + scoffing braggarts, noddy meacocks, blockish grutnols, doddipol-joltheads, + jobbernol goosecaps, foolish loggerheads, flutch calf-lollies, grouthead + gnat-snappers, lob-dotterels, gaping changelings, codshead loobies, + woodcock slangams, ninny-hammer flycatchers, noddypeak simpletons, turdy + gut, shitten shepherds, and other suchlike defamatory epithets; saying + further, that it was not for them to eat of these dainty cakes, but might + very well content themselves with the coarse unranged bread, or to eat of + the great brown household loaf. To which provoking words, one amongst + them, called Forgier, an honest fellow of his person and a notable + springal, made answer very calmly thus: How long is it since you have got + horns, that you are become so proud? Indeed formerly you were wont to give + us some freely, and will you not now let us have any for our money? This + is not the part of good neighbours, neither do we serve you thus when you + come hither to buy our good corn, whereof you make your cakes and buns. + Besides that, we would have given you to the bargain some of our grapes, + but, by his zounds, you may chance to repent it, and possibly have need of + us at another time, when we shall use you after the like manner, and + therefore remember it. Then Marquet, a prime man in the confraternity of + the cake-bakers, said unto him, Yea, sir, thou art pretty well crest-risen + this morning, thou didst eat yesternight too much millet and bolymong. + Come hither, sirrah, come hither, I will give thee some cakes. Whereupon + Forgier, dreading no harm, in all simplicity went towards him, and drew a + sixpence out of his leather satchel, thinking that Marquet would have sold + him some of his cakes. But, instead of cakes, he gave him with his whip + such a rude lash overthwart the legs, that the marks of the whipcord knots + were apparent in them, then would have fled away; but Forgier cried out as + loud as he could, O, murder, murder, help, help, help! and in the meantime + threw a great cudgel after him, which he carried under his arm, wherewith + he hit him in the coronal joint of his head, upon the crotaphic artery of + the right side thereof, so forcibly, that Marquet fell down from his mare + more like a dead than living man. Meanwhile the farmers and country + swains, that were watching their walnuts near to that place, came running + with their great poles and long staves, and laid such load on these + cake-bakers, as if they had been to thresh upon green rye. The other + shepherds and shepherdesses, hearing the lamentable shout of Forgier, came + with their slings and slackies following them, and throwing great stones + at them, as thick as if it had been hail. At last they overtook them, and + took from them about four or five dozen of their cakes. Nevertheless they + paid for them the ordinary price, and gave them over and above one hundred + eggs and three baskets full of mulberries. Then did the cake-bakers help + to get up to his mare Marquet, who was most shrewdly wounded, and + forthwith returned to Lerne, changing the resolution they had to go to + Pareille, threatening very sharp and boisterously the cowherds, shepherds, + and farmers of Seville and Sinays. This done, the shepherds and + shepherdesses made merry with these cakes and fine grapes, and sported + themselves together at the sound of the pretty small pipe, scoffing and + laughing at those vainglorious cake-bakers, who had that day met with a + mischief for want of crossing themselves with a good hand in the morning. + Nor did they forget to apply to Forgier’s leg some fair great red + medicinal grapes, and so handsomely dressed it and bound it up that he was + quickly cured. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0026" id="link2HCH0026"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XXVI.—How the inhabitants of Lerne, by the commandment of + Picrochole their king, assaulted the shepherds of Gargantua unexpectedly + and on a sudden. + </h2> + <p> + The cake-bakers, being returned to Lerne, went presently, before they did + either eat or drink, to the Capitol, and there before their king, called + Picrochole, the third of that name, made their complaint, showing their + panniers broken, their caps all crumpled, their coats torn, their cakes + taken away, but, above all, Marquet most enormously wounded, saying that + all that mischief was done by the shepherds and herdsmen of Grangousier, + near the broad highway beyond Seville. Picrochole incontinent grew angry + and furious; and, without asking any further what, how, why, or wherefore, + commanded the ban and arriere ban to be sounded throughout all his + country, that all his vassals of what condition soever should, upon pain + of the halter, come, in the best arms they could, unto the great place + before the castle, at the hour of noon, and, the better to strengthen his + design, he caused the drum to be beat about the town. Himself, whilst his + dinner was making ready, went to see his artillery mounted upon the + carriage, to display his colours, and set up the great royal standard, and + loaded wains with store of ammunition both for the field and the belly, + arms and victuals. At dinner he despatched his commissions, and by his + express edict my Lord Shagrag was appointed to command the vanguard, + wherein were numbered sixteen thousand and fourteen arquebusiers or + firelocks, together with thirty thousand and eleven volunteer adventurers. + The great Touquedillon, master of the horse, had the charge of the + ordnance, wherein were reckoned nine hundred and fourteen brazen pieces, + in cannons, double cannons, basilisks, serpentines, culverins, bombards or + murderers, falcons, bases or passevolins, spirols, and other sorts of + great guns. The rearguard was committed to the Duke of Scrapegood. In the + main battle was the king and the princes of his kingdom. Thus being + hastily furnished, before they would set forward, they sent three hundred + light horsemen, under the conduct of Captain Swillwind, to discover the + country, clear the avenues, and see whether there was any ambush laid for + them. But, after they had made diligent search, they found all the land + round about in peace and quiet, without any meeting or convention at all; + which Picrochole understanding, commanded that everyone should march + speedily under his colours. Then immediately in all disorder, without + keeping either rank or file, they took the fields one amongst another, + wasting, spoiling, destroying, and making havoc of all wherever they went, + not sparing poor nor rich, privileged or unprivileged places, church nor + laity, drove away oxen and cows, bulls, calves, heifers, wethers, ewes, + lambs, goats, kids, hens, capons, chickens, geese, ganders, goslings, + hogs, swine, pigs, and such like; beating down the walnuts, plucking the + grapes, tearing the hedges, shaking the fruit-trees, and committing such + incomparable abuses, that the like abomination was never heard of. + Nevertheless, they met with none to resist them, for everyone submitted to + their mercy, beseeching them that they might be dealt with courteously in + regard that they had always carried themselves as became good and loving + neighbours, and that they had never been guilty of any wrong or outrage + done upon them, to be thus suddenly surprised, troubled, and disquieted, + and that, if they would not desist, God would punish them very shortly. To + which expostulations and remonstrances no other answer was made, but that + they would teach them to eat cakes. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0027" id="link2HCH0027"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XXVII.—How a monk of Seville saved the close of the abbey + from being ransacked by the enemy. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0013" id="image-0013"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/1-27-060.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="The Monks Knew Not--1-27-060" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + So much they did, and so far they went pillaging and stealing, that at + last they came to Seville, where they robbed both men and women, and took + all they could catch: nothing was either too hot or too heavy for them. + Although the plague was there in the most part of all the houses, they + nevertheless entered everywhere, then plundered and carried away all that + was within, and yet for all this not one of them took any hurt, which is a + most wonderful case. For the curates, vicars, preachers, physicians, + chirurgeons, and apothecaries, who went to visit, to dress, to cure, to + heal, to preach unto and admonish those that were sick, were all dead of + the infection, and these devilish robbers and murderers caught never any + harm at all. Whence comes this to pass, my masters? I beseech you think + upon it. The town being thus pillaged, they went unto the abbey with a + horrible noise and tumult, but they found it shut and made fast against + them. Whereupon the body of the army marched forward towards a pass or + ford called the Gue de Vede, except seven companies of foot and two + hundred lancers, who, staying there, broke down the walls of the close, to + waste, spoil, and make havoc of all the vines and vintage within that + place. The monks (poor devils) knew not in that extremity to which of all + their sancts they should vow themselves. Nevertheless, at all adventures + they rang the bells ad capitulum capitulantes. There it was decreed that + they should make a fair procession, stuffed with good lectures, prayers, + and litanies contra hostium insidias, and jolly responses pro pace. + </p> + <p> + There was then in the abbey a claustral monk, called Friar John of the + funnels and gobbets, in French des entoumeures, young, gallant, frisk, + lusty, nimble, quick, active, bold, adventurous, resolute, tall, lean, + wide-mouthed, long-nosed, a fair despatcher of morning prayers, unbridler + of masses, and runner over of vigils; and, to conclude summarily in a + word, a right monk, if ever there was any, since the monking world monked + a monkery: for the rest, a clerk even to the teeth in matter of breviary. + This monk, hearing the noise that the enemy made within the enclosure of + the vineyard, went out to see what they were doing; and perceiving that + they were cutting and gathering the grapes, whereon was grounded the + foundation of all their next year’s wine, returned unto the choir of + the church where the other monks were, all amazed and astonished like so + many bell-melters. Whom when he heard sing, im, nim, pe, ne, ne, ne, ne, + nene, tum, ne, num, num, ini, i mi, co, o, no, o, o, neno, ne, no, no, no, + rum, nenum, num: It is well shit, well sung, said he. By the virtue of + God, why do not you sing, Panniers, farewell, vintage is done? The devil + snatch me, if they be not already within the middle of our close, and cut + so well both vines and grapes, that, by Cod’s body, there will not + be found for these four years to come so much as a gleaning in it. By the + belly of Sanct James, what shall we poor devils drink the while? Lord God! + da mihi potum. Then said the prior of the convent: What should this + drunken fellow do here? let him be carried to prison for troubling the + divine service. Nay, said the monk, the wine service, let us behave + ourselves so that it be not troubled; for you yourself, my lord prior, + love to drink of the best, and so doth every honest man. Never yet did a + man of worth dislike good wine, it is a monastical apophthegm. But these + responses that you chant here, by G—, are not in season. Wherefore + is it, that our devotions were instituted to be short in the time of + harvest and vintage, and long in the advent, and all the winter? The late + friar, Massepelosse, of good memory, a true zealous man, or else I give + myself to the devil, of our religion, told me, and I remember it well, how + the reason was, that in this season we might press and make the wine, and + in winter whiff it up. Hark you, my masters, you that love the wine, Cop’s + body, follow me; for Sanct Anthony burn me as freely as a faggot, if they + get leave to taste one drop of the liquor that will not now come and fight + for relief of the vine. Hog’s belly, the goods of the church! Ha, + no, no. What the devil, Sanct Thomas of England was well content to die + for them; if I died in the same cause, should not I be a sanct likewise? + Yes. Yet shall not I die there for all this, for it is I that must do it + to others and send them a-packing. + </p> + <p> + As he spake this he threw off his great monk’s habit, and laid hold + upon the staff of the cross, which was made of the heart of a + sorbapple-tree, it being of the length of a lance, round, of a full grip, + and a little powdered with lilies called flower de luce, the workmanship + whereof was almost all defaced and worn out. Thus went he out in a fair + long-skirted jacket, putting his frock scarfwise athwart his breast, and + in this equipage, with his staff, shaft or truncheon of the cross, laid on + so lustily, brisk, and fiercely upon his enemies, who, without any order, + or ensign, or trumpet, or drum, were busied in gathering the grapes of the + vineyard. For the cornets, guidons, and ensign-bearers had laid down their + standards, banners, and colours by the wall sides: the drummers had + knocked out the heads of their drums on one end to fill them with grapes: + the trumpeters were loaded with great bundles of bunches and huge knots of + clusters: in sum, everyone of them was out of array, and all in disorder. + He hurried, therefore, upon them so rudely, without crying gare or beware, + that he overthrew them like hogs, tumbled them over like swine, striking + athwart and alongst, and by one means or other laid so about him, after + the old fashion of fencing, that to some he beat out their brains, to + others he crushed their arms, battered their legs, and bethwacked their + sides till their ribs cracked with it. To others again he unjointed the + spondyles or knuckles of the neck, disfigured their chaps, gashed their + faces, made their cheeks hang flapping on their chin, and so swinged and + balammed them that they fell down before him like hay before a mower. To + some others he spoiled the frame of their kidneys, marred their backs, + broke their thigh-bones, pashed in their noses, poached out their eyes, + cleft their mandibles, tore their jaws, dung in their teeth into their + throat, shook asunder their omoplates or shoulder-blades, sphacelated + their shins, mortified their shanks, inflamed their ankles, heaved off of + the hinges their ishies, their sciatica or hip-gout, dislocated the joints + of their knees, squattered into pieces the boughts or pestles of their + thighs, and so thumped, mauled and belaboured them everywhere, that never + was corn so thick and threefold threshed upon by ploughmen’s flails + as were the pitifully disjointed members of their mangled bodies under the + merciless baton of the cross. If any offered to hide himself amongst the + thickest of the vines, he laid him squat as a flounder, bruised the ridge + of his back, and dashed his reins like a dog. If any thought by flight to + escape, he made his head to fly in pieces by the lamboidal commissure, + which is a seam in the hinder part of the skull. If anyone did scramble up + into a tree, thinking there to be safe, he rent up his perinee, and + impaled him in at the fundament. If any of his old acquaintance happened + to cry out, Ha, Friar John, my friend Friar John, quarter, quarter, I + yield myself to you, to you I render myself! So thou shalt, said he, and + must, whether thou wouldst or no, and withal render and yield up thy soul + to all the devils in hell; then suddenly gave them dronos, that is, so + many knocks, thumps, raps, dints, thwacks, and bangs, as sufficed to warn + Pluto of their coming and despatch them a-going. If any was so rash and + full of temerity as to resist him to his face, then was it he did show the + strength of his muscles, for without more ado he did transpierce him, by + running him in at the breast, through the mediastine and the heart. + Others, again, he so quashed and bebumped, that, with a sound bounce under + the hollow of their short ribs, he overturned their stomachs so that they + died immediately. To some, with a smart souse on the epigaster, he would + make their midriff swag, then, redoubling the blow, gave them such a + homepush on the navel that he made their puddings to gush out. To others + through their ballocks he pierced their bumgut, and left not bowel, tripe, + nor entrail in their body that had not felt the impetuosity, fierceness, + and fury of his violence. Believe, that it was the most horrible spectacle + that ever one saw. Some cried unto Sanct Barbe, others to St. George. O + the holy Lady Nytouch, said one, the good Sanctess; O our Lady of + Succours, said another, help, help! Others cried, Our Lady of Cunaut, of + Loretto, of Good Tidings, on the other side of the water St. Mary Over. + Some vowed a pilgrimage to St. James, and others to the holy handkerchief + at Chamberry, which three months after that burnt so well in the fire that + they could not get one thread of it saved. Others sent up their vows to + St. Cadouin, others to St. John d’Angely, and to St. Eutropius of + Xaintes. Others again invoked St. Mesmes of Chinon, St. Martin of Candes, + St. Clouaud of Sinays, the holy relics of Laurezay, with a thousand other + jolly little sancts and santrels. Some died without speaking, others spoke + without dying; some died in speaking, others spoke in dying. Others + shouted as loud as they could Confession, Confession, Confiteor, Miserere, + In manus! So great was the cry of the wounded, that the prior of the abbey + with all his monks came forth, who, when they saw these poor wretches so + slain amongst the vines, and wounded to death, confessed some of them. But + whilst the priests were busied in confessing them, the little monkies ran + all to the place where Friar John was, and asked him wherein he would be + pleased to require their assistance. To which he answered that they should + cut the throats of those he had thrown down upon the ground. They + presently, leaving their outer habits and cowls upon the rails, began to + throttle and make an end of those whom he had already crushed. Can you + tell with what instruments they did it? With fair gullies, which are + little hulchbacked demi-knives, the iron tool whereof is two inches long, + and the wooden handle one inch thick, and three inches in length, + wherewith the little boys in our country cut ripe walnuts in two while + they are yet in the shell, and pick out the kernel, and they found them + very fit for the expediting of that weasand-slitting exploit. In the + meantime Friar John, with his formidable baton of the cross, got to the + breach which the enemies had made, and there stood to snatch up those that + endeavoured to escape. Some of the monkitos carried the standards, + banners, ensigns, guidons, and colours into their cells and chambers to + make garters of them. But when those that had been shriven would have gone + out at the gap of the said breach, the sturdy monk quashed and felled them + down with blows, saying, These men have had confession and are penitent + souls; they have got their absolution and gained the pardons; they go into + paradise as straight as a sickle, or as the way is to Faye (like + Crooked-Lane at Eastcheap). Thus by his prowess and valour were + discomfited all those of the army that entered into the close of the + abbey, unto the number of thirteen thousand, six hundred, twenty and two, + besides the women and little children, which is always to be understood. + Never did Maugis the Hermit bear himself more valiantly with his bourdon + or pilgrim’s staff against the Saracens, of whom is written in the + Acts of the four sons of Aymon, than did this monk against his enemies + with the staff of the cross. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0028" id="link2HCH0028"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XXVIII.—How Picrochole stormed and took by assault the + rock Clermond, and of Grangousier’s unwillingness and aversion from + the undertaking of war. + </h2> + <p> + Whilst the monk did thus skirmish, as we have said, against those which + were entered within the close, Picrochole in great haste passed the ford + of Vede—a very especial pass—with all his soldiers, and set + upon the rock Clermond, where there was made him no resistance at all; + and, because it was already night, he resolved to quarter himself and his + army in that town, and to refresh himself of his pugnative choler. In the + morning he stormed and took the bulwarks and castle, which afterwards he + fortified with rampiers, and furnished with all ammunition requisite, + intending to make his retreat there, if he should happen to be otherwise + worsted; for it was a strong place, both by art and nature, in regard of + the stance and situation of it. But let us leave them there, and return to + our good Gargantua, who is at Paris very assiduous and earnest at the + study of good letters and athletical exercitations, and to the good old + man Grangousier his father, who after supper warmeth his ballocks by a + good, clear, great fire, and, waiting upon the broiling of some chestnuts, + is very serious in drawing scratches on the hearth, with a stick burnt at + the one end, wherewith they did stir up the fire, telling to his wife and + the rest of the family pleasant old stories and tales of former times. + </p> + <p> + Whilst he was thus employed, one of the shepherds which did keep the + vines, named Pillot, came towards him, and to the full related the + enormous abuses which were committed, and the excessive spoil that was + made by Picrochole, King of Lerne, upon his lands and territories, and how + he had pillaged, wasted, and ransacked all the country, except the + enclosure at Seville, which Friar John des Entoumeures to his great honour + had preserved; and that at the same present time the said king was in the + rock Clermond, and there, with great industry and circumspection, was + strengthening himself and his whole army. Halas, halas, alas! said + Grangousier, what is this, good people? Do I dream, or is it true that + they tell me? Picrochole, my ancient friend of old time, of my own kindred + and alliance, comes he to invade me? What moves him? What provokes him? + What sets him on? What drives him to it? Who hath given him this counsel? + Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, my God, my Saviour, help me, inspire me, and advise me + what I shall do! I protest, I swear before thee, so be thou favourable to + me, if ever I did him or his subjects any damage or displeasure, or + committed any the least robbery in his country; but, on the contrary, I + have succoured and supplied him with men, money, friendship, and counsel, + upon any occasion wherein I could be steadable for the improvement of his + good. That he hath therefore at this nick of time so outraged and wronged + me, it cannot be but by the malevolent and wicked spirit. Good God, thou + knowest my courage, for nothing can be hidden from thee. If perhaps he be + grown mad, and that thou hast sent him hither to me for the better + recovery and re-establishment of his brain, grant me power and wisdom to + bring him to the yoke of thy holy will by good discipline. Ho, ho, ho, ho, + my good people, my friends and my faithful servants, must I hinder you + from helping me? Alas, my old age required hence-forward nothing else but + rest, and all the days of my life I have laboured for nothing so much as + peace; but now I must, I see it well, load with arms my poor, weary, and + feeble shoulders, and take in my trembling hand the lance and horseman’s + mace, to succour and protect my honest subjects. Reason will have it so; + for by their labour am I entertained, and with their sweat am I nourished, + I, my children and my family. This notwithstanding, I will not undertake + war, until I have first tried all the ways and means of peace: that I + resolve upon. + </p> + <p> + Then assembled he his council, and proposed the matter as it was indeed. + Whereupon it was concluded that they should send some discreet man unto + Picrochole, to know wherefore he had thus suddenly broken the peace and + invaded those lands unto which he had no right nor title. Furthermore, + that they should send for Gargantua, and those under his command, for the + preservation of the country, and defence thereof now at need. All this + pleased Grangousier very well, and he commanded that so it should be done. + Presently therefore he sent the Basque his lackey to fetch Gargantua with + all diligence, and wrote him as followeth. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0029" id="link2HCH0029"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XXIX.—The tenour of the letter which Grangousier wrote to + his son Gargantua. + </h2> + <p> + The fervency of thy studies did require that I should not in a long time + recall thee from that philosophical rest thou now enjoyest, if the + confidence reposed in our friends and ancient confederates had not at this + present disappointed the assurance of my old age. But seeing such is my + fatal destiny, that I should be now disquieted by those in whom I trusted + most, I am forced to call thee back to help the people and goods which by + the right of nature belong unto thee. For even as arms are weak abroad, if + there be not counsel at home, so is that study vain and counsel + unprofitable which in a due and convenient time is not by virtue executed + and put in effect. My deliberation is not to provoke, but to appease—not + to assault, but to defend—not to conquer, but to preserve my + faithful subjects and hereditary dominions, into which Picrochole is + entered in a hostile manner without any ground or cause, and from day to + day pursueth his furious enterprise with that height of insolence that is + intolerable to freeborn spirits. I have endeavoured to moderate his + tyrannical choler, offering him all that which I thought might give him + satisfaction; and oftentimes have I sent lovingly unto him to understand + wherein, by whom, and how he found himself to be wronged. But of him could + I obtain no other answer but a mere defiance, and that in my lands he did + pretend only to the right of a civil correspondency and good behaviour, + whereby I knew that the eternal God hath left him to the disposure of his + own free will and sensual appetite—which cannot choose but be + wicked, if by divine grace it be not continually guided—and to + contain him within his duty, and bring him to know himself, hath sent him + hither to me by a grievous token. Therefore, my beloved son, as soon as + thou canst, upon sight of these letters, repair hither with all diligence, + to succour not me so much, which nevertheless by natural piety thou + oughtest to do, as thine own people, which by reason thou mayest save and + preserve. The exploit shall be done with as little effusion of blood as + may be. And, if possible, by means far more expedient, such as military + policy, devices, and stratagems of war, we shall save all the souls, and + send them home as merry as crickets unto their own houses. My dearest son, + the peace of Jesus Christ our Redeemer be with thee. Salute from me + Ponocrates, Gymnastes, and Eudemon. The twentieth of September. Thy Father + Grangousier. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0030" id="link2HCH0030"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XXX.—How Ulric Gallet was sent unto Picrochole. + </h2> + <p> + The letters being dictated, signed, and sealed, Grangousier ordained that + Ulric Gallet, master of the requests, a very wise and discreet man, of + whose prudence and sound judgment he had made trial in several difficult + and debateful matters, (should) go unto Picrochole, to show what had been + decreed amongst them. At the same hour departed the good man Gallet, and + having passed the ford, asked at the miller that dwelt there in what + condition Picrochole was: who answered him that his soldiers had left him + neither cock nor hen, that they were retired and shut up into the rock + Clermond, and that he would not advise him to go any further for fear of + the scouts, because they were enormously furious. Which he easily + believed, and therefore lodged that night with the miller. + </p> + <p> + The next morning he went with a trumpeter to the gate of the castle, and + required the guards he might be admitted to speak with the king of + somewhat that concerned him. These words being told unto the king, he + would by no means consent that they should open the gate; but, getting + upon the top of the bulwark, said unto the ambassador, What is the news, + what have you to say? Then the ambassador began to speak as followeth. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0031" id="link2HCH0031"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XXXI.—The speech made by Gallet to Picrochole. + </h2> + <p> + There cannot arise amongst men a juster cause of grief than when they + receive hurt and damage where they may justly expect for favour and good + will; and not without cause, though without reason, have many, after they + had fallen into such a calamitous accident, esteemed this indignity less + supportable than the loss of their own lives, in such sort that, if they + have not been able by force of arms nor any other means, by reach of wit + or subtlety, to stop them in their course and restrain their fury, they + have fallen into desperation, and utterly deprived themselves of this + light. It is therefore no wonder if King Grangousier, my master, be full + of high displeasure and much disquieted in mind upon thy outrageous and + hostile coming; but truly it would be a marvel if he were not sensible of + and moved with the incomparable abuses and injuries perpetrated by thee + and thine upon those of his country, towards whom there hath been no + example of inhumanity omitted. Which in itself is to him so grievous, for + the cordial affection wherewith he hath always cherished his subjects, + that more it cannot be to any mortal man; yet in this, above human + apprehension, is it to him the more grievous that these wrongs and sad + offences have been committed by thee and thine, who, time out of mind, + from all antiquity, thou and thy predecessors have been in a continual + league and amity with him and all his ancestors; which, even until this + time, you have as sacred together inviolably preserved, kept, and + entertained, so well, that not he and his only, but the very barbarous + nations of the Poictevins, Bretons, Manceaux, and those that dwell beyond + the isles of the Canaries, and that of Isabella, have thought it as easy + to pull down the firmament, and to set up the depths above the clouds, as + to make a breach in your alliance; and have been so afraid of it in their + enterprises that they have never dared to provoke, incense, or endamage + the one for fear of the other. Nay, which is more, this sacred league hath + so filled the world, that there are few nations at this day inhabiting + throughout all the continent and isles of the ocean, who have not + ambitiously aspired to be received into it, upon your own covenants and + conditions, holding your joint confederacy in as high esteem as their own + territories and dominions, in such sort, that from the memory of man there + hath not been either prince or league so wild and proud that durst have + offered to invade, I say not your countries, but not so much as those of + your confederates. And if, by rash and heady counsel, they have attempted + any new design against them, as soon as they heard the name and title of + your alliance, they have suddenly desisted from their enterprises. What + rage and madness, therefore, doth now incite thee, all old alliance + infringed, all amity trod under foot, and all right violated, thus in a + hostile manner to invade his country, without having been by him or his in + anything prejudiced, wronged, or provoked? Where is faith? Where is law? + Where is reason? Where is humanity? Where is the fear of God? Dost thou + think that these atrocious abuses are hidden from the eternal spirit and + the supreme God who is the just rewarder of all our undertakings? If thou + so think, thou deceivest thyself; for all things shall come to pass as in + his incomprehensible judgment he hath appointed. Is it thy fatal destiny, + or influences of the stars, that would put an end to thy so long enjoyed + ease and rest? For that all things have their end and period, so as that, + when they are come to the superlative point of their greatest height, they + are in a trice tumbled down again, as not being able to abide long in that + state. This is the conclusion and end of those who cannot by reason and + temperance moderate their fortunes and prosperities. But if it be + predestinated that thy happiness and ease must now come to an end, must it + needs be by wronging my king,—him by whom thou wert established? If + thy house must come to ruin, should it therefore in its fall crush the + heels of him that set it up? The matter is so unreasonable, and so + dissonant from common sense, that hardly can it be conceived by human + understanding, and altogether incredible unto strangers, till by the + certain and undoubted effects thereof it be made apparent that nothing is + either sacred or holy to those who, having emancipated themselves from God + and reason, do merely follow the perverse affections of their own depraved + nature. If any wrong had been done by us to thy subjects and dominions—if + we had favoured thy ill-willers—if we had not assisted thee in thy + need—if thy name and reputation had been wounded by us—or, to + speak more truly, if the calumniating spirit, tempting to induce thee to + evil, had, by false illusions and deceitful fantasies, put into thy + conceit the impression of a thought that we had done unto thee anything + unworthy of our ancient correspondence and friendship, thou oughtest first + to have inquired out the truth, and afterwards by a seasonable warning to + admonish us thereof; and we should have so satisfied thee, according to + thine own heart’s desire, that thou shouldst have had occasion to be + contented. But, O eternal God, what is thy enterprise? Wouldst thou, like + a perfidious tyrant, thus spoil and lay waste my master’s kingdom? + Hast thou found him so silly and blockish, that he would not—or so + destitute of men and money, of counsel and skill in military discipline, + that he cannot withstand thy unjust invasion? March hence presently, and + to-morrow, some time of the day, retreat unto thine own country, without + doing any kind of violence or disorderly act by the way; and pay withal a + thousand besans of gold (which, in English money, amounteth to five + thousand pounds), for reparation of the damages thou hast done in this + country. Half thou shalt pay to-morrow, and the other half at the ides of + May next coming, leaving with us in the mean time, for hostages, the Dukes + of Turnbank, Lowbuttock, and Smalltrash, together with the Prince of + Itches and Viscount of Snatchbit (Tournemoule, Bas-de-fesses, Menuail, + Gratelles, Morpiaille.). + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0032" id="link2HCH0032"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XXXII.—How Grangousier, to buy peace, caused the cakes to + be restored. + </h2> + <p> + With that the good man Gallet held his peace, but Picrochole to all his + discourse answered nothing but Come and fetch them, come and fetch them, + —they have ballocks fair and soft,—they will knead and provide + some cakes for you. Then returned he to Grangousier, whom he found upon + his knees bareheaded, crouching in a little corner of his cabinet, and + humbly praying unto God that he would vouchsafe to assuage the choler of + Picrochole, and bring him to the rule of reason without proceeding by + force. When the good man came back, he asked him, Ha, my friend, what news + do you bring me? There is neither hope nor remedy, said Gallet; the man is + quite out of his wits, and forsaken of God. Yea, but, said Grangousier, my + friend, what cause doth he pretend for his outrages? He did not show me + any cause at all, said Gallet, only that in a great anger he spoke some + words of cakes. I cannot tell if they have done any wrong to his + cake-bakers. I will know, said Grangousier, the matter thoroughly, before + I resolve any more upon what is to be done. Then sent he to learn + concerning that business, and found by true information that his men had + taken violently some cakes from Picrochole’s people, and that + Marquet’s head was broken with a slacky or short cudgel; that, + nevertheless, all was well paid, and that the said Marquet had first hurt + Forgier with a stroke of his whip athwart the legs. And it seemed good to + his whole council, that he should defend himself with all his might. + Notwithstanding all this, said Grangousier, seeing the question is but + about a few cakes, I will labour to content him; for I am very unwilling + to wage war against him. He inquired then what quantity of cakes they had + taken away, and understanding that it was but some four or five dozen, he + commanded five cartloads of them to be baked that same night; and that + there should be one full of cakes made with fine butter, fine yolks of + eggs, fine saffron, and fine spice, to be bestowed upon Marquet, unto whom + likewise he directed to be given seven hundred thousand and three Philips + (that is, at three shillings the piece, one hundred five thousand pounds + and nine shillings of English money), for reparation of his losses and + hindrances, and for satisfaction of the chirurgeon that had dressed his + wound; and furthermore settled upon him and his for ever in freehold the + apple-orchard called La Pomardiere. For the conveyance and passing of all + which was sent Gallet, who by the way as they went made them gather near + the willow-trees great store of boughs, canes, and reeds, wherewith all + the carriers were enjoined to garnish and deck their carts, and each of + them to carry one in his hand, as himself likewise did, thereby to give + all men to understand that they demanded but peace, and that they came to + buy it. + </p> + <p> + Being come to the gate, they required to speak with Picrochole from + Grangousier. Picrochole would not so much as let them in, nor go to speak + with them, but sent them word that he was busy, and that they should + deliver their mind to Captain Touquedillon, who was then planting a piece + of ordnance upon the wall. Then said the good man unto him, My lord, to + ease you of all this labour, and to take away all excuses why you may not + return unto our former alliance, we do here presently restore unto you the + cakes upon which the quarrel arose. Five dozen did our people take away: + they were well paid for: we love peace so well that we restore unto you + five cartloads, of which this cart shall be for Marquet, who doth most + complain. Besides, to content him entirely, here are seven hundred + thousand and three Philips, which I deliver to him, and, for the losses he + may pretend to have sustained, I resign for ever the farm of the + Pomardiere, to be possessed in fee-simple by him and his for ever, without + the payment of any duty, or acknowledgement of homage, fealty, fine, or + service whatsoever, and here is the tenour of the deed. And, for God’s + sake, let us live henceforward in peace, and withdraw yourselves merrily + into your own country from within this place, unto which you have no right + at all, as yourselves must needs confess, and let us be good friends as + before. Touquedillon related all this to Picrochole, and more and more + exasperated his courage, saying to him, These clowns are afraid to some + purpose. By G—, Grangousier conskites himself for fear, the poor + drinker. He is not skilled in warfare, nor hath he any stomach for it. He + knows better how to empty the flagons,—that is his art. I am of + opinion that it is fit we send back the carts and the money, and, for the + rest, that very speedily we fortify ourselves here, then prosecute our + fortune. But what! Do they think to have to do with a ninnywhoop, to feed + you thus with cakes? You may see what it is. The good usage and great + familiarity which you have had with them heretofore hath made you + contemptible in their eyes. Anoint a villain, he will prick you: prick a + villain, and he will anoint you (Ungentem pungit, pungentem rusticus + ungit.). + </p> + <p> + Sa, sa, sa, said Picrochole, by St. James you have given a true character + of them. One thing I will advise you, said Touquedillon. We are here but + badly victualled, and furnished with mouth-harness very slenderly. If + Grangousier should come to besiege us, I would go presently, and pluck out + of all your soldiers’ heads and mine own all the teeth, except three + to each of us, and with them alone we should make an end of our provision + but too soon. We shall have, said Picrochole, but too much sustenance and + feeding-stuff. Came we hither to eat or to fight? To fight, indeed, said + Touquedillon; yet from the paunch comes the dance, and where famine rules + force is exiled. Leave off your prating, said Picrochole, and forthwith + seize upon what they have brought. Then took they money and cakes, oxen + and carts, and sent them away without speaking one word, only that they + would come no more so near, for a reason that they would give them the + morrow after. Thus, without doing anything, returned they to Grangousier, + and related the whole matter unto him, subjoining that there was no hope + left to draw them to peace but by sharp and fierce wars. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0033" id="link2HCH0033"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XXXIII.—How some statesmen of Picrochole, by hairbrained + counsel, put him in extreme danger. + </h2> + <p> + The carts being unloaded, and the money and cakes secured, there came + before Picrochole the Duke of Smalltrash, the Earl Swashbuckler, and + Captain Dirt-tail (Menuail, Spadassin, Merdaille.), who said unto him, + Sir, this day we make you the happiest, the most warlike and chivalrous + prince that ever was since the death of Alexander of Macedonia. Be + covered, be covered, said Picrochole. Gramercy, said they, we do but our + duty. The manner is thus. You shall leave some captain here to have the + charge of this garrison, with a party competent for keeping of the place, + which, besides its natural strength, is made stronger by the rampiers and + fortresses of your devising. Your army you are to divide into two parts, + as you know very well how to do. One part thereof shall fall upon + Grangousier and his forces. By it shall he be easily at the very first + shock routed, and then shall you get money by heaps, for the clown hath + store of ready coin. Clown we call him, because a noble and generous + prince hath never a penny, and that to hoard up treasure is but a clownish + trick. The other part of the army, in the meantime, shall draw towards + Onys, Xaintonge, Angomois, and Gascony. Then march to Perigot, Medoc, and + Elanes, taking wherever you come, without resistance, towns, castles, and + forts; afterwards to Bayonne, St. John de Luc, to Fontarabia, where you + shall seize upon all the ships, and coasting along Galicia and Portugal, + shall pillage all the maritime places, even unto Lisbon, where you shall + be supplied with all necessaries befitting a conqueror. By copsody, Spain + will yield, for they are but a race of loobies. Then are you to pass by + the Straits of Gibraltar, where you shall erect two pillars more stately + than those of Hercules, to the perpetual memory of your name, and the + narrow entrance there shall be called the Picrocholinal sea. + </p> + <p> + Having passed the Picrocholinal sea, behold, Barbarossa yields himself + your slave. I will, said Picrochole, give him fair quarter and spare his + life. Yea, said they, so that he be content to be christened. And you + shall conquer the kingdoms of Tunis, of Hippo, Argier, Bomine (Bona), + Corone, yea, all Barbary. Furthermore, you shall take into your hands + Majorca, Minorca, Sardinia, Corsica, with the other islands of the + Ligustic and Balearian seas. Going alongst on the left hand, you shall + rule all Gallia Narbonensis, Provence, the Allobrogians, Genoa, Florence, + Lucca, and then God b’w’ye, Rome. (Our poor Monsieur the Pope + dies now for fear.) By my faith, said Picrochole, I will not then kiss his + pantoufle. + </p> + <p> + Italy being thus taken, behold Naples, Calabria, Apulia, and Sicily, all + ransacked, and Malta too. I wish the pleasant Knights of the Rhodes + heretofore would but come to resist you, that we might see their urine. I + would, said Picrochole, very willingly go to Loretto. No, no, said they, + that shall be at our return. From thence we will sail eastwards, and take + Candia, Cyprus, Rhodes, and the Cyclade Islands, and set upon (the) Morea. + It is ours, by St. Trenian. The Lord preserve Jerusalem; for the great + Soldan is not comparable to you in power. I will then, said he, cause + Solomon’s temple to be built. No, said they, not yet, have a little + patience, stay awhile, be never too sudden in your enterprises. Can you + tell what Octavian Augustus said? Festina lente. It is requisite that you + first have the Lesser Asia, Caria, Lycia, Pamphilia, Cilicia, Lydia, + Phrygia, Mysia, Bithynia, Carazia, Satalia, Samagaria, Castamena, Luga, + Savasta, even unto Euphrates. Shall we see, said Picrochole, Babylon and + Mount Sinai? There is no need, said they, at this time. Have we not + hurried up and down, travelled and toiled enough, in having transfretted + and passed over the Hircanian sea, marched alongst the two Armenias and + the three Arabias? Ay, by my faith, said he, we have played the fools, and + are undone. Ha, poor souls! What’s the matter? said they. What shall + we have, said he, to drink in these deserts? For Julian Augustus with his + whole army died there for thirst, as they say. We have already, said they, + given order for that. In the Syriac sea you have nine thousand and + fourteen great ships laden with the best wines in the world. They arrived + at Port Joppa. There they found two-and-twenty thousand camels and sixteen + hundred elephants, which you shall have taken at one hunting about + Sigelmes, when you entered into Lybia; and, besides this, you had all the + Mecca caravan. Did not they furnish you sufficiently with wine? Yes, but, + said he, we did not drink it fresh. By the virtue, said they, not of a + fish, a valiant man, a conqueror, who pretends and aspires to the monarchy + of the world, cannot always have his ease. God be thanked that you and + your men are come safe and sound unto the banks of the river Tigris. But, + said he, what doth that part of our army in the meantime which overthrows + that unworthy swillpot Grangousier? They are not idle, said they. We shall + meet with them by-and-by. They shall have won you Brittany, Normandy, + Flanders, Hainault, Brabant, Artois, Holland, Zealand; they have passed + the Rhine over the bellies of the Switzers and lansquenets, and a party of + these hath subdued Luxembourg, Lorraine, Champagne, and Savoy, even to + Lyons, in which place they have met with your forces returning from the + naval conquests of the Mediterranean sea; and have rallied again in + Bohemia, after they had plundered and sacked Suevia, Wittemberg, Bavaria, + Austria, Moravia, and Styria. Then they set fiercely together upon Lubeck, + Norway, Swedeland, Rie, Denmark, Gitland, Greenland, the Sterlins, even + unto the frozen sea. This done, they conquered the Isles of Orkney and + subdued Scotland, England, and Ireland. From thence sailing through the + sandy sea and by the Sarmates, they have vanquished and overcome Prussia, + Poland, Lithuania, Russia, Wallachia, Transylvania, Hungary, Bulgaria, + Turkeyland, and are now at Constantinople. Come, said Picrochole, let us + go join with them quickly, for I will be Emperor of Trebizond also. Shall + we not kill all these dogs, Turks and Mahometans? What a devil should we + do else? said they. And you shall give their goods and lands to such as + shall have served you honestly. Reason, said he, will have it so, that is + but just. I give unto you the Caramania, Suria, and all the Palestine. Ha, + sir, said they, it is out of your goodness; gramercy, we thank you. God + grant you may always prosper. There was there present at that time an old + gentleman well experienced in the wars, a stern soldier, and who had been + in many great hazards, named Echephron, who, hearing this discourse, said, + I do greatly doubt that all this enterprise will be like the tale or + interlude of the pitcher full of milk wherewith a shoemaker made himself + rich in conceit; but, when the pitcher was broken, he had not whereupon to + dine. What do you pretend by these large conquests? What shall be the end + of so many labours and crosses? Thus it shall be, said Picrochole, that + when we are returned we shall sit down, rest, and be merry. But, said + Echephron, if by chance you should never come back, for the voyage is long + and dangerous, were it not better for us to take our rest now, than + unnecessarily to expose ourselves to so many dangers? O, said + Swashbuckler, by G—, here is a good dotard; come, let us go hide + ourselves in the corner of a chimney, and there spend the whole time of + our life amongst ladies, in threading of pearls, or spinning, like + Sardanapalus. He that nothing ventures hath neither horse nor mule, says + Solomon. He who adventureth too much, said Echephron, loseth both horse + and mule, answered Malchon. Enough, said Picrochole, go forward. I fear + nothing but that these devilish legions of Grangousier, whilst we are in + Mesopotamia, will come on our backs and charge up our rear. What course + shall we then take? What shall be our remedy? A very good one, said + Dirt-tail; a pretty little commission, which you must send unto the + Muscovites, shall bring you into the field in an instant four hundred and + fifty thousand choice men of war. Oh that you would but make me your + lieutenant-general, I should for the lightest faults of any inflict great + punishments. I fret, I charge, I strike, I take, I kill, I slay, I play + the devil. On, on, said Picrochole, make haste, my lads, and let him that + loves me follow me. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0034" id="link2HCH0034"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XXXIV.—How Gargantua left the city of Paris to succour his + country, and how Gymnast encountered with the enemy. + </h2> + <p> + In this same very hour Gargantua, who was gone out of Paris as soon as he + had read his father’s letters, coming upon his great mare, had + already passed the Nunnery-bridge, himself, Ponocrates, Gymnast, and + Eudemon, who all three, the better to enable them to go along with him, + took post-horses. The rest of his train came after him by even journeys at + a slower pace, bringing with them all his books and philosophical + instruments. As soon as he had alighted at Parille, he was informed by a + farmer of Gouguet how Picrochole had fortified himself within the rock + Clermond, and had sent Captain Tripet with a great army to set upon the + wood of Vede and Vaugaudry, and that they had already plundered the whole + country, not leaving cock nor hen, even as far as to the winepress of + Billard. These strange and almost incredible news of the enormous abuses + thus committed over all the land, so affrighted Gargantua that he knew not + what to say nor do. But Ponocrates counselled him to go unto the Lord of + Vauguyon, who at all times had been their friend and confederate, and that + by him they should be better advised in their business. Which they did + incontinently, and found him very willing and fully resolved to assist + them, and therefore was of opinion that they should send some one of his + company to scout along and discover the country, to learn in what + condition and posture the enemy was, that they might take counsel, and + proceed according to the present occasion. Gymnast offered himself to go. + Whereupon it was concluded, that for his safety and the better expedition, + he should have with him someone that knew the ways, avenues, turnings, + windings, and rivers thereabout. Then away went he and Prelingot, the + equerry or gentleman of Vauguyon’s horse, who scouted and espied as + narrowly as they could upon all quarters without any fear. In the meantime + Gargantua took a little refreshment, ate somewhat himself, the like did + those who were with him, and caused to give to his mare a picotine of + oats, that is, three score and fourteen quarters and three bushels. + Gymnast and his comrade rode so long, that at last they met with the enemy’s + forces, all scattered and out of order, plundering, stealing, robbing, and + pillaging all they could lay their hands on. And, as far off as they could + perceive him, they ran thronging upon the back of one another in all haste + towards him, to unload him of his money, and untruss his portmantles. Then + cried he out unto them, My masters, I am a poor devil, I desire you to + spare me. I have yet one crown left. Come, we must drink it, for it is + aurum potabile, and this horse here shall be sold to pay my welcome. + Afterwards take me for one of your own, for never yet was there any man + that knew better how to take, lard, roast, and dress, yea, by G—, to + tear asunder and devour a hen, than I that am here: and for my proficiat I + drink to all good fellows. With that he unscrewed his borracho (which was + a great Dutch leathern bottle), and without putting in his nose drank very + honestly. The maroufle rogues looked upon him, opening their throats a + foot wide, and putting out their tongues like greyhounds, in hopes to + drink after him; but Captain Tripet, in the very nick of that their + expectation, came running to him to see who it was. To him Gymnast offered + his bottle, saying, Hold, captain, drink boldly and spare not; I have been + thy taster, it is wine of La Faye Monjau. What! said Tripet, this fellow + gibes and flouts us? Who art thou? said Tripet. I am, said Gymnast, a poor + devil (pauvre diable). Ha, said Tripet, seeing thou art a poor devil, it + is reason that thou shouldst be permitted to go whithersoever thou wilt, + for all poor devils pass everywhere without toll or tax. But it is not the + custom of poor devils to be so well mounted; therefore, sir devil, come + down, and let me have your horse, and if he do not carry me well, you, + master devil, must do it: for I love a life that such a devil as you + should carry me away. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0035" id="link2HCH0035"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XXXV.—How Gymnast very souply and cunningly killed Captain + Tripet and others of Picrochole’s men. + </h2> + <p> + When they heard these words, some amongst them began to be afraid, and + blessed themselves with both hands, thinking indeed that he had been a + devil disguised, insomuch that one of them, named Good John, captain of + the trained bands of the country bumpkins, took his psalter out of his + codpiece, and cried out aloud, Hagios ho theos. If thou be of God, speak; + if thou be of the other spirit, avoid hence, and get thee going. Yet he + went not away. Which words being heard by all the soldiers that were + there, divers of them being a little inwardly terrified, departed from the + place. All this did Gymnast very well remark and consider, and therefore + making as if he would have alighted from off his horse, as he was poising + himself on the mounting side, he most nimbly, with his short sword by his + thigh, shifting his foot in the stirrup, performed the stirrup-leather + feat, whereby, after the inclining of his body downwards, he forthwith + launched himself aloft in the air, and placed both his feet together on + the saddle, standing upright with his back turned towards the horse’s + head. Now, said he, my case goes backward. Then suddenly in the same very + posture wherein he was, he fetched a gambol upon one foot, and, turning to + the left hand, failed not to carry his body perfectly round, just into its + former stance, without missing one jot. Ha, said Tripet, I will not do + that at this time, and not without cause. Well, said Gymnast, I have + failed, I will undo this leap. Then with a marvellous strength and + agility, turning towards the right hand, he fetched another frisking + gambol as before, which done, he set his right-hand thumb upon the + hind-bow of the saddle, raised himself up, and sprung in the air, poising + and upholding his whole body upon the muscle and nerve of the said thumb, + and so turned and whirled himself about three times. At the fourth, + reversing his body, and overturning it upside down, and foreside back, + without touching anything, he brought himself betwixt the horse’s + two ears, springing with all his body into the air, upon the thumb of his + left hand, and in that posture, turning like a windmill, did most actively + do that trick which is called the miller’s pass. After this, + clapping his right hand flat upon the middle of the saddle, he gave + himself such a jerking swing that he thereby seated himself upon the + crupper, after the manner of gentlewomen sitting on horseback. This done, + he easily passed his right leg over the saddle, and placed himself like + one that rides in croup. But, said he, it were better for me to get into + the saddle; then putting the thumbs of both hands upon the crupper before + him, and thereupon leaning himself, as upon the only supporters of his + body, he incontinently turned heels over head in the air, and straight + found himself betwixt the bow of the saddle in a good settlement. Then + with a somersault springing into the air again, he fell to stand with both + his feet close together upon the saddle, and there made above a hundred + frisks, turns, and demipommads, with his arms held out across, and in so + doing cried out aloud, I rage, I rage, devils, I am stark mad, devils, I + am mad, hold me, devils, hold me, hold, devils, hold, hold! + </p> + <p> + Whilst he was thus vaulting, the rogues in great astonishment said to one + another, By cock’s death, he is a goblin or a devil thus disguised. + Ab hoste maligno libera nos, Domine, and ran away in a full flight, as if + they had been routed, looking now and then behind them, like a dog that + carrieth away a goose-wing in his mouth. Then Gymnast, spying his + advantage, alighted from his horse, drew his sword, and laid on great + blows upon the thickset and highest crested among them, and overthrew them + in great heaps, hurt, wounded, and bruised, being resisted by nobody, they + thinking he had been a starved devil, as well in regard of his wonderful + feats in vaulting, which they had seen, as for the talk Tripet had with + him, calling him poor devil. Only Tripet would have traitorously cleft his + head with his horseman’s sword, or lance-knight falchion; but he was + well armed, and felt nothing of the blow but the weight of the stroke. + Whereupon, turning suddenly about, he gave Tripet a home-thrust, and upon + the back of that, whilst he was about to ward his head from a slash, he + ran him in at the breast with a hit, which at once cut his stomach, the + fifth gut called the colon, and the half of his liver, wherewith he fell + to the ground, and in falling gushed forth above four pottles of pottage, + and his soul mingled with the pottage. + </p> + <p> + This done, Gymnast withdrew himself, very wisely considering that a case + of great adventure and hazard should not be pursued unto its utmost + period, and that it becomes all cavaliers modestly to use their good + fortune, without troubling or stretching it too far. Wherefore, getting to + horse, he gave him the spur, taking the right way unto Vauguyon, and + Prelinguand with him. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0036" id="link2HCH0036"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XXXVI.—How Gargantua demolished the castle at the ford of + Vede, and how they passed the ford. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0014" id="image-0014"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/1-36-076.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="How Gargantua Passed the Ford--1-36-076" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + As soon as he came, he related the estate and condition wherein they had + found the enemy, and the stratagem which he alone had used against all + their multitude, affirming that they were but rascally rogues, plunderers, + thieves, and robbers, ignorant of all military discipline, and that they + might boldly set forward unto the field; it being an easy matter to fell + and strike them down like beasts. Then Gargantua mounted his great mare, + accompanied as we have said before, and finding in his way a high and + great tree, which commonly was called by the name of St. Martin’s + tree, because heretofore St. Martin planted a pilgrim’s staff there, + which in tract of time grew to that height and greatness, said, This is + that which I lacked; this tree shall serve me both for a staff and lance. + With that he pulled it up easily, plucked off the boughs, and trimmed it + at his pleasure. In the meantime his mare pissed to ease her belly, but it + was in such abundance that it did overflow the country seven leagues, and + all the piss of that urinal flood ran glib away towards the ford of Vede, + wherewith the water was so swollen that all the forces the enemy had there + were with great horror drowned, except some who had taken the way on the + left hand towards the hills. Gargantua, being come to the place of the + wood of Vede, was informed by Eudemon that there was some remainder of the + enemy within the castle, which to know, Gargantua cried out as loud as he + was able, Are you there, or are you not there? If you be there, be there + no more; and if you are not there, I have no more to say. But a ruffian + gunner, whose charge was to attend the portcullis over the gate, let fly a + cannon-ball at him, and hit him with that shot most furiously on the right + temple of his head, yet did him no more hurt than if he had but cast a + prune or kernel of a wine-grape at him. What is this? said Gargantua; do + you throw at us grape-kernels here? The vintage shall cost you dear; + thinking indeed that the bullet had been the kernel of a grape, or + raisin-kernel. + </p> + <p> + Those who were within the castle, being till then busy at the pillage, + when they heard this noise ran to the towers and fortresses, from whence + they shot at him above nine thousand and five-and-twenty falconshot and + arquebusades, aiming all at his head, and so thick did they shoot at him + that he cried out, Ponocrates, my friend, these flies here are like to put + out mine eyes; give me a branch of those willow-trees to drive them away, + thinking that the bullets and stones shot out of the great ordnance had + been but dunflies. Ponocrates looked and saw that there were no other + flies but great shot which they had shot from the castle. Then was it that + he rushed with his great tree against the castle, and with mighty blows + overthrew both towers and fortresses, and laid all level with the ground, + by which means all that were within were slain and broken in pieces. Going + from thence, they came to the bridge at the mill, where they found all the + ford covered with dead bodies, so thick that they had choked up the mill + and stopped the current of its water, and these were those that were + destroyed in the urinal deluge of the mare. There they were at a stand, + consulting how they might pass without hindrance by these dead carcasses. + But Gymnast said, If the devils have passed there, I will pass well + enough. The devils have passed there, said Eudemon, to carry away the + damned souls. By St. Treignan! said Ponocrates, then by necessary + consequence he shall pass there. Yes, yes, said Gymnastes, or I shall + stick in the way. Then setting spurs to his horse, he passed through + freely, his horse not fearing nor being anything affrighted at the sight + of the dead bodies; for he had accustomed him, according to the doctrine + of Aelian, not to fear armour, nor the carcasses of dead men; and that not + by killing men as Diomedes did the Thracians, or as Ulysses did in + throwing the corpses of his enemies at his horse’s feet, as Homer + saith, but by putting a Jack-a-lent amongst his hay, and making him go + over it ordinarily when he gave him his oats. The other three followed him + very close, except Eudemon only, whose horse’s fore-right or far + forefoot sank up to the knee in the paunch of a great fat chuff who lay + there upon his back drowned, and could not get it out. There was he + pestered, until Gargantua, with the end of his staff, thrust down the rest + of the villain’s tripes into the water whilst the horse pulled out + his foot; and, which is a wonderful thing in hippiatry, the said horse was + thoroughly cured of a ringbone which he had in that foot by this touch of + the burst guts of that great looby. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0037" id="link2HCH0037"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XXXVII.—How Gargantua, in combing his head, made the great + cannon-balls fall out of his hair. + </h2> + <p> + Being come out of the river of Vede, they came very shortly after to + Grangousier’s castle, who waited for them with great longing. At + their coming they were entertained with many congees, and cherished with + embraces. Never was seen a more joyful company, for Supplementum + Supplementi Chronicorum saith that Gargamelle died there with joy; for my + part, truly I cannot tell, neither do I care very much for her, nor for + anybody else. The truth was, that Gargantua, in shifting his clothes, and + combing his head with a comb, which was nine hundred foot long of the + Jewish cane measure, and whereof the teeth were great tusks of elephants, + whole and entire, he made fall at every rake above seven balls of bullets, + at a dozen the ball, that stuck in his hair at the razing of the castle of + the wood of Vede. Which his father Grangousier seeing, thought they had + been lice, and said unto him, What, my dear son, hast thou brought us this + far some short-winged hawks of the college of Montague? I did not mean + that thou shouldst reside there. Then answered Ponocrates, My sovereign + lord, think not that I have placed him in that lousy college which they + call Montague; I had rather have put him amongst the grave-diggers of + Sanct Innocent, so enormous is the cruelty and villainy that I have known + there: for the galley-slaves are far better used amongst the Moors and + Tartars, the murderers in the criminal dungeons, yea, the very dogs in + your house, than are the poor wretched students in the aforesaid college. + And if I were King of Paris, the devil take me if I would not set it on + fire, and burn both principal and regents, for suffering this inhumanity + to be exercised before their eyes. Then, taking up one of these bullets, + he said, These are cannon-shot, which your son Gargantua hath lately + received by the treachery of your enemies, as he was passing before the + wood of Vede. + </p> + <p> + But they have been so rewarded, that they are all destroyed in the ruin of + the castle, as were the Philistines by the policy of Samson, and those + whom the tower of Silohim slew, as it is written in the thirteenth of + Luke. My opinion is, that we pursue them whilst the luck is on our side; + for occasion hath all her hair on her forehead; when she is passed, you + may not recall her,—she hath no tuft whereby you can lay hold on + her, for she is bald in the hind-part of her head, and never returneth + again. Truly, said Grangousier, it shall not be at this time; for I will + make you a feast this night, and bid you welcome. + </p> + <p> + This said, they made ready supper, and, of extraordinary besides his daily + fare, were roasted sixteen oxen, three heifers, two and thirty calves, + three score and three fat kids, four score and fifteen wethers, three + hundred farrow pigs or sheats soused in sweet wine or must, eleven score + partridges, seven hundred snipes and woodcocks, four hundred Loudun and + Cornwall capons, six thousand pullets, and as many pigeons, six hundred + crammed hens, fourteen hundred leverets, or young hares and rabbits, three + hundred and three buzzards, and one thousand and seven hundred cockerels. + For venison, they could not so suddenly come by it, only eleven wild + boars, which the Abbot of Turpenay sent, and eighteen fallow deer which + the Lord of Gramount bestowed; together with seven score pheasants, which + were sent by the Lord of Essars; and some dozens of queests, coushats, + ringdoves, and woodculvers; river-fowl, teals and awteals, bitterns, + courtes, plovers, francolins, briganders, tyrasons, young lapwings, tame + ducks, shovellers, woodlanders, herons, moorhens, criels, storks, + canepetiers, oranges, flamans, which are phaenicopters, or crimson-winged + sea-fowls, terrigoles, turkeys, arbens, coots, solan-geese, curlews, + termagants, and water-wagtails, with a great deal of cream, curds, and + fresh cheese, and store of soup, pottages, and brewis with great variety. + Without doubt there was meat enough, and it was handsomely dressed by + Snapsauce, Hotchpot, and Brayverjuice, Grangousier’s cooks. Jenkin + Trudgeapace and Cleanglass were very careful to fill them drink. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0038" id="link2HCH0038"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XXXVIII.—How Gargantua did eat up six pilgrims in a salad. + </h2> + <p> + The story requireth that we relate that which happened unto six pilgrims + who came from Sebastian near to Nantes, and who for shelter that night, + being afraid of the enemy, had hid themselves in the garden upon the + chichling peas, among the cabbages and lettuces. Gargantua finding himself + somewhat dry, asked whether they could get any lettuce to make him a + salad; and hearing that there were the greatest and fairest in the + country, for they were as great as plum-trees or as walnut-trees, he would + go thither himself, and brought thence in his hand what he thought good, + and withal carried away the six pilgrims, who were in so great fear that + they did not dare to speak nor cough. + </p> + <p> + Washing them, therefore, first at the fountain, the pilgrims said one to + another softly, What shall we do? We are almost drowned here amongst these + lettuce, shall we speak? But if we speak, he will kill us for spies. And, + as they were thus deliberating what to do, Gargantua put them with the + lettuce into a platter of the house, as large as the huge tun of the White + Friars of the Cistercian order; which done, with oil, vinegar, and salt, + he ate them up, to refresh himself a little before supper, and had already + swallowed up five of the pilgrims, the sixth being in the platter, totally + hid under a lettuce, except his bourdon or staff that appeared, and + nothing else. Which Grangousier seeing, said to Gargantua, I think that is + the horn of a shell-snail, do not eat it. Why not? said Gargantua, they + are good all this month: which he no sooner said, but, drawing up the + staff, and therewith taking up the pilgrim, he ate him very well, then + drank a terrible draught of excellent white wine. The pilgrims, thus + devoured, made shift to save themselves as well as they could, by + withdrawing their bodies out of the reach of the grinders of his teeth, + but could not escape from thinking they had been put in the lowest dungeon + of a prison. And when Gargantua whiffed the great draught, they thought to + have been drowned in his mouth, and the flood of wine had almost carried + them away into the gulf of his stomach. Nevertheless, skipping with their + bourdons, as St. Michael’s palmers use to do, they sheltered + themselves from the danger of that inundation under the banks of his + teeth. But one of them by chance, groping or sounding the country with his + staff, to try whether they were in safety or no, struck hard against the + cleft of a hollow tooth, and hit the mandibulary sinew or nerve of the + jaw, which put Gargantua to very great pain, so that he began to cry for + the rage that he felt. To ease himself therefore of his smarting ache, he + called for his toothpicker, and rubbing towards a young walnut-tree, where + they lay skulking, unnestled you my gentlemen pilgrims. + </p> + <p> + For he caught one by the legs, another by the scrip, another by the + pocket, another by the scarf, another by the band of the breeches, and the + poor fellow that had hurt him with the bourdon, him he hooked to him by + the codpiece, which snatch nevertheless did him a great deal of good, for + it pierced unto him a pocky botch he had in the groin, which grievously + tormented him ever since they were past Ancenis. The pilgrims, thus + dislodged, ran away athwart the plain a pretty fast pace, and the pain + ceased, even just at the time when by Eudemon he was called to supper, for + all was ready. I will go then, said he, and piss away my misfortune; which + he did do in such a copious measure, that the urine taking away the feet + from the pilgrims, they were carried along with the stream unto the bank + of a tuft of trees. Upon which, as soon as they had taken footing, and + that for their self-preservation they had run a little out of the road, + they on a sudden fell all six, except Fourniller, into a trap that had + been made to take wolves by a train, out of which, nevertheless, they + escaped by the industry of the said Fourniller, who broke all the snares + and ropes. Being gone from thence, they lay all the rest of that night in + a lodge near unto Coudray, where they were comforted in their miseries by + the gracious words of one of their company, called Sweer-to-go, who showed + them that this adventure had been foretold by the prophet David, Psalm. + Quum exsurgerent homines in nos, forte vivos deglutissent nos; when we + were eaten in the salad, with salt, oil, and vinegar. Quum irasceretur + furor eorum in nos, forsitan aqua absorbuisset nos; when he drank the + great draught. Torrentem pertransivit anima nostra; when the stream of his + water carried us to the thicket. Forsitan pertransisset anima nostra aquam + intolerabilem; that is, the water of his urine, the flood whereof, cutting + our way, took our feet from us. Benedictus Dominus qui non dedit nos in + captionem dentibus eorum. Anima nostra sicut passer erepta est de laqueo + venantium; when we fell in the trap. Laqueus contritus est, by Fourniller, + et nos liberati sumus. Adjutorium nostrum, &c. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0039" id="link2HCH0039"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XXXIX.—How the Monk was feasted by Gargantua, and of the + jovial discourse they had at supper. + </h2> + <p> + When Gargantua was set down at table, after all of them had somewhat + stayed their stomachs by a snatch or two of the first bits eaten heartily, + Grangousier began to relate the source and cause of the war raised between + him and Picrochole; and came to tell how Friar John of the Funnels had + triumphed at the defence of the close of the abbey, and extolled him for + his valour above Camillus, Scipio, Pompey, Caesar, and Themistocles. Then + Gargantua desired that he might be presently sent for, to the end that + with him they might consult of what was to be done. Whereupon, by a joint + consent, his steward went for him, and brought him along merrily, with his + staff of the cross, upon Grangousier’s mule. When he was come, a + thousand huggings, a thousand embracements, a thousand good days were + given. Ha, Friar John, my friend Friar John, my brave cousin Friar John + from the devil! Let me clip thee, my heart, about the neck; to me an + armful. I must grip thee, my ballock, till thy back crack with it. Come, + my cod, let me coll thee till I kill thee. And Friar John, the gladdest + man in the world, never was man made welcomer, never was any more + courteously and graciously received than Friar John. Come, come, said + Gargantua, a stool here close by me at this end. I am content, said the + monk, seeing you will have it so. Some water, page; fill, my boy, fill; it + is to refresh my liver. Give me some, child, to gargle my throat withal. + Deposita cappa, said Gymnast, let us pull off this frock. Ho, by G—, + gentlemen, said the monk, there is a chapter in Statutis Ordinis which + opposeth my laying of it down. Pish! said Gymnast, a fig for your chapter! + This frock breaks both your shoulders, put it off. My friend, said the + monk, let me alone with it; for, by G—, I’ll drink the better + that it is on. It makes all my body jocund. If I should lay it aside, the + waggish pages would cut to themselves garters out of it, as I was once + served at Coulaines. And, which is worse, I shall lose my appetite. But if + in this habit I sit down at table, I will drink, by G—, both to thee + and to thy horse, and so courage, frolic, God save the company! I have + already supped, yet will I eat never a whit the less for that; for I have + a paved stomach, as hollow as a butt of malvoisie or St. Benedictus’ + boot (butt), and always open like a lawyer’s pouch. Of all fishes + but the tench take the wing of a partridge or the thigh of a nun. Doth not + he die like a good fellow that dies with a stiff catso? Our prior loves + exceedingly the white of a capon. In that, said Gymnast, he doth not + resemble the foxes; for of the capons, hens, and pullets which they carry + away they never eat the white. Why? said the monk. Because, said Gymnast, + they have no cooks to dress them; and, if they be not competently made + ready, they remain red and not white; the redness of meats being a token + that they have not got enough of the fire, whether by boiling, roasting, + or otherwise, except the shrimps, lobsters, crabs, and crayfishes, which + are cardinalized with boiling. By God’s feast-gazers, said the monk, + the porter of our abbey then hath not his head well boiled, for his eyes + are as red as a mazer made of an alder-tree. The thigh of this leveret is + good for those that have the gout. To the purpose of the truel,—what + is the reason that the thighs of a gentlewoman are always fresh and cool? + This problem, said Gargantua, is neither in Aristotle, in Alexander + Aphrodiseus, nor in Plutarch. There are three causes, said the monk, by + which that place is naturally refreshed. Primo, because the water runs all + along by it. Secundo, because it is a shady place, obscure and dark, upon + which the sun never shines. And thirdly, because it is continually + flabbelled, blown upon, and aired by the north winds of the hole arstick, + the fan of the smock, and flipflap of the codpiece. And lusty, my lads. + Some bousing liquor, page! So! crack, crack, crack. O how good is God, + that gives us of this excellent juice! I call him to witness, if I had + been in the time of Jesus Christ, I would have kept him from being taken + by the Jews in the garden of Olivet. And the devil fail me, if I should + have failed to cut off the hams of these gentlemen apostles who ran away + so basely after they had well supped, and left their good master in the + lurch. I hate that man worse than poison that offers to run away when he + should fight and lay stoutly about him. Oh that I were but King of France + for fourscore or a hundred years! By G—, I should whip like + curtail-dogs these runaways of Pavia. A plague take them; why did they not + choose rather to die there than to leave their good prince in that pinch + and necessity? Is it not better and more honourable to perish in fighting + valiantly than to live in disgrace by a cowardly running away? We are like + to eat no great store of goslings this year; therefore, friend, reach me + some of that roasted pig there. + </p> + <p> + Diavolo, is there no more must? No more sweet wine? Germinavit radix + Jesse. Je renie ma vie, je meurs de soif; I renounce my life, I rage for + thirst. This wine is none of the worst. What wine drink you at Paris? I + give myself to the devil, if I did not once keep open house at Paris for + all comers six months together. Do you know Friar Claude of the high + kilderkins? Oh the good fellow that he is! But I do not know what fly hath + stung him of late, he is become so hard a student. For my part, I study + not at all. In our abbey we never study for fear of the mumps, which + disease in horses is called the mourning in the chine. Our late abbot was + wont to say that it is a monstrous thing to see a learned monk. By G—, + master, my friend, Magis magnos clericos non sunt magis magnos sapientes. + You never saw so many hares as there are this year. I could not anywhere + come by a goshawk nor tassel of falcon. My Lord Belloniere promised me a + lanner, but he wrote to me not long ago that he was become pursy. The + partridges will so multiply henceforth, that they will go near to eat up + our ears. I take no delight in the stalking-horse, for I catch such cold + that I am like to founder myself at that sport. If I do not run, toil, + travel, and trot about, I am not well at ease. True it is that in leaping + over the hedges and bushes my frock leaves always some of its wool behind + it. I have recovered a dainty greyhound; I give him to the devil, if he + suffer a hare to escape him. A groom was leading him to my Lord + Huntlittle, and I robbed him of him. Did I ill? No, Friar John, said + Gymnast, no, by all the devils that are, no! So, said the monk, do I + attest these same devils so long as they last, or rather, virtue (of) G—, + what could that gouty limpard have done with so fine a dog? By the body of + G—, he is better pleased when one presents him with a good yoke of + oxen. How now, said Ponocrates, you swear, Friar John. It is only, said + the monk, but to grace and adorn my speech. They are colours of a + Ciceronian rhetoric. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0040" id="link2HCH0040"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XL.—Why monks are the outcasts of the world; and wherefore + some have bigger noses than others. + </h2> + <p> + By the faith of a Christian, said Eudemon, I do wonderfully dote and enter + in a great ecstasy when I consider the honesty and good fellowship of this + monk, for he makes us here all merry. How is it, then, that they exclude + the monks from all good companies, calling them feast-troublers, marrers + of mirth, and disturbers of all civil conversation, as the bees drive away + the drones from their hives? Ignavum fucos pecus, said Maro, a praesepibus + arcent. Hereunto, answered Gargantua, there is nothing so true as that the + frock and cowl draw unto itself the opprobries, injuries, and maledictions + of the world, just as the wind called Cecias attracts the clouds. The + peremptory reason is, because they eat the ordure and excrements of the + world, that is to say, the sins of the people, and, like dung-chewers and + excrementitious eaters, they are cast into the privies and secessive + places, that is, the convents and abbeys, separated from political + conversation, as the jakes and retreats of a house are. But if you + conceive how an ape in a family is always mocked and provokingly incensed, + you shall easily apprehend how monks are shunned of all men, both young + and old. The ape keeps not the house as a dog doth, he draws not in the + plough as the ox, he yields neither milk nor wool as the sheep, he + carrieth no burden as a horse doth. That which he doth, is only to + conskite, spoil, and defile all, which is the cause wherefore he hath of + all men mocks, frumperies, and bastinadoes. + </p> + <p> + After the same manner a monk—I mean those lither, idle, lazy monks—doth + not labour and work, as do the peasant and artificer; doth not ward and + defend the country, as doth the man of war; cureth not the sick and + diseased, as the physician doth; doth neither preach nor teach, as do the + evangelical doctors and schoolmasters; doth not import commodities and + things necessary for the commonwealth, as the merchant doth. Therefore is + it that by and of all men they are hooted at, hated, and abhorred. Yea, + but, said Grangousier, they pray to God for us. Nothing less, answered + Gargantua. True it is, that with a tingle tangle jangling of bells they + trouble and disquiet all their neighbours about them. Right, said the + monk; a mass, a matin, a vesper well rung, are half said. They mumble out + great store of legends and psalms, by them not at all understood; they say + many paternosters interlarded with Ave-Maries, without thinking upon or + apprehending the meaning of what it is they say, which truly I call + mocking of God, and not prayers. But so help them God, as they pray for + us, and not for being afraid to lose their victuals, their manchots, and + good fat pottage. All true Christians, of all estates and conditions, in + all places and at all times, send up their prayers to God, and the + Mediator prayeth and intercedeth for them, and God is gracious to them. + Now such a one is our good Friar John; therefore every man desireth to + have him in his company. He is no bigot or hypocrite; he is not torn and + divided betwixt reality and appearance; no wretch of a rugged and peevish + disposition, but honest, jovial, resolute, and a good fellow. He travels, + he labours, he defends the oppressed, comforts the afflicted, helps the + needy, and keeps the close of the abbey. Nay, said the monk, I do a great + deal more than that; for whilst we are in despatching our matins and + anniversaries in the choir, I make withal some crossbow-strings, polish + glass bottles and bolts, I twist lines and weave purse nets wherein to + catch coneys. I am never idle. But now, hither come, some drink, some + drink here! Bring the fruit. These chestnuts are of the wood of Estrox, + and with good new wine are able to make you a fine cracker and composer of + bum-sonnets. You are not as yet, it seems, well moistened in this house + with the sweet wine and must. By G—, I drink to all men freely, and + at all fords, like a proctor or promoter’s horse. Friar John, said + Gymnast, take away the snot that hangs at your nose. Ha, ha, said the + monk, am not I in danger of drowning, seeing I am in water even to the + nose? No, no, Quare? Quia, though some water come out from thence, there + never goes in any; for it is well antidoted with pot-proof armour and + syrup of the vine-leaf. + </p> + <p> + Oh, my friend, he that hath winter-boots made of such leather may boldly + fish for oysters, for they will never take water. What is the cause, said + Gargantua, that Friar John hath such a fair nose? Because, said + Grangousier, that God would have it so, who frameth us in such form and + for such end as is most agreeable with his divine will, even as a potter + fashioneth his vessels. Because, said Ponocrates, he came with the first + to the fair of noses, and therefore made choice of the fairest and the + greatest. Pish, said the monk, that is not the reason of it, but, + according to the true monastical philosophy, it is because my nurse had + soft teats, by virtue whereof, whilst she gave me suck, my nose did sink + in as in so much butter. The hard breasts of nurses make children + short-nosed. But hey, gay, Ad formam nasi cognoscitur ad te levavi. I + never eat any confections, page, whilst I am at the bibbery. Item, bring + me rather some toasts. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0041" id="link2HCH0041"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XLI.—How the Monk made Gargantua sleep, and of his hours + and breviaries. + </h2> + <p> + Supper being ended, they consulted of the business in hand, and concluded + that about midnight they should fall unawares upon the enemy, to know what + manner of watch and ward they kept, and that in the meanwhile they should + take a little rest the better to refresh themselves. But Gargantua could + not sleep by any means, on which side soever he turned himself. Whereupon + the monk said to him, I never sleep soundly but when I am at sermon or + prayers. Let us therefore begin, you and I, the seven penitential psalms, + to try whether you shall not quickly fall asleep. The conceit pleased + Gargantua very well, and, beginning the first of these psalms, as soon as + they came to the words Beati quorum they fell asleep, both the one and the + other. But the monk, for his being formerly accustomed to the hour of + claustral matins, failed not to awake a little before midnight, and, being + up himself, awaked all the rest, in singing aloud, and with a full clear + voice, the song: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Awake, O Reinian, ho, awake! +Awake, O Reinian, ho! +Get up, you no more sleep must take; +Get up, for we must go. +</pre> + <p> + When they were all roused and up, he said, My masters, it is a usual + saying, that we begin matins with coughing and supper with drinking. Let + us now, in doing clean contrarily, begin our matins with drinking, and at + night before supper we shall cough as hard as we can. What, said + Gargantua, to drink so soon after sleep? This is not to live according to + the diet and prescript rule of the physicians, for you ought first to + scour and cleanse your stomach of all its superfluities and excrements. + Oh, well physicked, said the monk; a hundred devils leap into my body, if + there be not more old drunkards than old physicians! I have made this + paction and covenant with my appetite, that it always lieth down and goes + to bed with myself, for to that I every day give very good order; then the + next morning it also riseth with me and gets up when I am awake. Mind you + your charges, gentlemen, or tend your cures as much as you will. I will + get me to my drawer; in terms of falconry, my tiring. What drawer or + tiring do you mean? said Gargantua. My breviary, said the monk, for just + as the falconers, before they feed their hawks, do make them draw at a hen’s + leg to purge their brains of phlegm and sharpen them to a good appetite, + so, by taking this merry little breviary in the morning, I scour all my + lungs and am presently ready to drink. + </p> + <p> + After what manner, said Gargantua, do you say these fair hours and prayers + of yours? After the manner of Whipfield (Fessecamp, and corruptly Fecan.), + said the monk, by three psalms and three lessons, or nothing at all, he + that will. I never tie myself to hours, prayers, and sacraments; for they + are made for the man and not the man for them. Therefore is it that I make + my prayers in fashion of stirrup-leathers; I shorten or lengthen them when + I think good. Brevis oratio penetrat caelos et longa potatio evacuat + scyphos. Where is that written? By my faith, said Ponocrates, I cannot + tell, my pillicock, but thou art more worth than gold. Therein, said the + monk, I am like you; but, venite, apotemus. Then made they ready store of + carbonadoes, or rashers on the coals, and good fat soups, or brewis with + sippets; and the monk drank what he pleased. Some kept him company, and + the rest did forbear, for their stomachs were not as yet opened. + Afterwards every man began to arm and befit himself for the field. And + they armed the monk against his will; for he desired no other armour for + back and breast but his frock, nor any other weapon in his hand but the + staff of the cross. Yet at their pleasure was he completely armed + cap-a-pie, and mounted upon one of the best horses in the kingdom, with a + good slashing shable by his side, together with Gargantua, Ponocrates, + Gymnast, Eudemon, and five-and-twenty more of the most resolute and + adventurous of Grangousier’s house, all armed at proof with their + lances in their hands, mounted like St. George, and everyone of them + having an arquebusier behind him. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0042" id="link2HCH0042"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XLII.—How the Monk encouraged his fellow-champions, and + how he hanged upon a tree. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0015" id="image-0015"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/1-42-086.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Valiant Champions on Their Adventure--1-42-086" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + Thus went out those valiant champions on their adventure, in full + resolution to know what enterprise they should undertake, and what to take + heed of and look well to in the day of the great and horrible battle. And + the monk encouraged them, saying, My children, do not fear nor doubt, I + will conduct you safely. God and Sanct Benedict be with us! If I had + strength answerable to my courage, by’s death, I would plume them + for you like ducks. I fear nothing but the great ordnance; yet I know of a + charm by way of prayer, which the subsexton of our abbey taught me, that + will preserve a man from the violence of guns and all manner of + fire-weapons and engines; but it will do me no good, because I do not + believe it. Nevertheless, I hope my staff of the cross shall this day play + devilish pranks amongst them. By G—, whoever of our party shall + offer to play the duck, and shrink when blows are a-dealing, I give myself + to the devil, if I do not make a monk of him in my stead, and hamper him + within my frock, which is a sovereign cure against cowardice. Did you + never hear of my Lord Meurles his greyhound, which was not worth a straw + in the fields? He put a frock about his neck: by the body of G—, + there was neither hare nor fox that could escape him, and, which is more, + he lined all the bitches in the country, though before that he was + feeble-reined and ex frigidis et maleficiatis. + </p> + <p> + The monk uttering these words in choler, as he passed under a walnut-tree, + in his way towards the causey, he broached the vizor of his helmet on the + stump of a great branch of the said tree. Nevertheless, he set his spurs + so fiercely to the horse, who was full of mettle and quick on the spur, + that he bounded forwards, and the monk going about to ungrapple his vizor, + let go his hold of the bridle, and so hanged by his hand upon the bough, + whilst his horse stole away from under him. By this means was the monk + left hanging on the walnut-tree, and crying for help, murder, murder, + swearing also that he was betrayed. Eudemon perceived him first, and + calling Gargantua said, Sir, come and see Absalom hanging. Gargantua, + being come, considered the countenance of the monk, and in what posture he + hanged; wherefore he said to Eudemon, You were mistaken in comparing him + to Absalom; for Absalom hung by his hair, but this shaveling monk hangeth + by the ears. Help me, said the monk, in the devil’s name; is this a + time for you to prate? You seem to me to be like the decretalist + preachers, who say that whosoever shall see his neighbour in the danger of + death, ought, upon pain of trisulk excommunication, rather choose to + admonish him to make his confession to a priest, and put his conscience in + the state of peace, than otherwise to help and relieve him. + </p> + <p> + And therefore when I shall see them fallen into a river, and ready to be + drowned, I shall make them a fair long sermon de contemptu mundi, et fuga + seculi; and when they are stark dead, shall then go to their aid and + succour in fishing after them. Be quiet, said Gymnast, and stir not, my + minion. I am now coming to unhang thee and to set thee at freedom, for + thou art a pretty little gentle monachus. Monachus in claustro non valet + ova duo; sed quando est extra, bene valet triginta. I have seen above five + hundred hanged, but I never saw any have a better countenance in his + dangling and pendilatory swagging. Truly, if I had so good a one, I would + willingly hang thus all my lifetime. What, said the monk, have you almost + done preaching? Help me, in the name of God, seeing you will not in the + name of the other spirit, or, by the habit which I wear, you shall repent + it, tempore et loco praelibatis. + </p> + <p> + Then Gymnast alighted from his horse, and, climbing up the walnut-tree, + lifted up the monk with one hand by the gussets of his armour under the + armpits, and with the other undid his vizor from the stump of the broken + branch; which done, he let him fall to the ground and himself after. As + soon as the monk was down, he put off all his armour, and threw away one + piece after another about the field, and, taking to him again his staff of + the cross, remounted up to his horse, which Eudemon had caught in his + running away. Then went they on merrily, riding along on the highway. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0043" id="link2HCH0043"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XLIII.—How the scouts and fore-party of Picrochole were + met with by Gargantua, and how the Monk slew Captain Drawforth + (Tirevant.), and then was taken prisoner by his enemies. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0016" id="image-0016"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/1-43-088.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="I Hear the Enemy, Let Us Rally--1-43-088" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + Picrochole, at the relation of those who had escaped out of the broil and + defeat wherein Tripet was untriped, grew very angry that the devils should + have so run upon his men, and held all that night a counsel of war, at + which Rashcalf and Touchfaucet (Hastiveau, Touquedillon.), concluded his + power to be such that he was able to defeat all the devils of hell if they + should come to jostle with his forces. This Picrochole did not fully + believe, though he doubted not much of it. Therefore sent he under the + command and conduct of the Count Drawforth, for discovering of the + country, the number of sixteen hundred horsemen, all well mounted upon + light horses for skirmish and thoroughly besprinkled with holy water; and + everyone for their field-mark or cognizance had the sign of a star in his + scarf, to serve at all adventures in case they should happen to encounter + with devils, that by the virtue, as well of that Gregorian water as of the + stars which they wore, they might make them disappear and evanish. + </p> + <p> + In this equipage they made an excursion upon the country till they came + near to the Vauguyon, which is the valley of Guyon, and to the spital, but + could never find anybody to speak unto; whereupon they returned a little + back, and took occasion to pass above the aforesaid hospital to try what + intelligence they could come by in those parts. In which resolution riding + on, and by chance in a pastoral lodge or shepherd’s cottage near to + Coudray hitting upon the five pilgrims, they carried them way-bound and + manacled, as if they had been spies, for all the exclamations, + adjurations, and requests that they could make. Being come down from + thence towards Seville, they were heard by Gargantua, who said then unto + those that were with him, Comrades and fellow-soldiers, we have here met + with an encounter, and they are ten times in number more than we. Shall we + charge them or no? What a devil, said the monk, shall we do else? Do you + esteem men by their number rather than by their valour and prowess? With + this he cried out, Charge, devils, charge! Which when the enemies heard, + they thought certainly that they had been very devils, and therefore even + then began all of them to run away as hard as they could drive, Drawforth + only excepted, who immediately settled his lance on its rest, and + therewith hit the monk with all his force on the very middle of his + breast, but, coming against his horrific frock, the point of the iron + being with the blow either broke off or blunted, it was in matter of + execution as if you had struck against an anvil with a little wax-candle. + </p> + <p> + Then did the monk with his staff of the cross give him such a sturdy thump + and whirret betwixt his neck and shoulders, upon the acromion bone, that + he made him lose both sense and motion and fall down stone dead at his + horse’s feet; and, seeing the sign of the star which he wore + scarfwise, he said unto Gargantua, These men are but priests, which is but + the beginning of a monk; by St. John, I am a perfect monk, I will kill + them to you like flies. Then ran he after them at a swift and full gallop + till he overtook the rear, and felled them down like tree-leaves, striking + athwart and alongst and every way. Gymnast presently asked Gargantua if + they should pursue them. To whom Gargantua answered, By no means; for, + according to right military discipline, you must never drive your enemy + unto despair, for that such a strait doth multiply his force and increase + his courage, which was before broken and cast down; neither is there any + better help or outrage of relief for men that are amazed, out of heart, + toiled, and spent, than to hope for no favour at all. How many victories + have been taken out of the hands of the victors by the vanquished, when + they would not rest satisfied with reason, but attempt to put all to the + sword, and totally to destroy their enemies, without leaving so much as + one to carry home news of the defeat of his fellows. Open, therefore, unto + your enemies all the gates and ways, and make to them a bridge of silver + rather than fail, that you may be rid of them. Yea, but, said Gymnast, + they have the monk. Have they the monk? said Gargantua. Upon mine honour, + then, it will prove to their cost. But to prevent all dangers, let us not + yet retreat, but halt here quietly as in an ambush; for I think I do + already understand the policy and judgment of our enemies. They are truly + more directed by chance and mere fortune than by good advice and counsel. + In the meanwhile, whilst these made a stop under the walnut-trees, the + monk pursued on the chase, charging all he overtook, and giving quarter to + none, until he met with a trooper who carried behind him one of the poor + pilgrims, and there would have rifled him. The pilgrim, in hope of relief + at the sight of the monk, cried out, Ha, my lord prior, my good friend, my + lord prior, save me, I beseech you, save me! Which words being heard by + those that rode in the van, they instantly faced about, and seeing there + was nobody but the monk that made this great havoc and slaughter among + them, they loaded him with blows as thick as they use to do an ass with + wood. But of all this he felt nothing, especially when they struck upon + his frock, his skin was so hard. Then they committed him to two of the + marshal’s men to keep, and, looking about, saw nobody coming against + them, whereupon they thought that Gargantua and his party were fled. Then + was it that they rode as hard as they could towards the walnut-trees to + meet with them, and left the monk there all alone, with his two foresaid + men to guard him. Gargantua heard the noise and neighing of the horses, + and said to his men, Comrades, I hear the track and beating of the enemy’s + horse-feet, and withal perceive that some of them come in a troop and full + body against us. Let us rally and close here, then set forward in order, + and by this means we shall be able to receive their charge to their loss + and our honour. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0044" id="link2HCH0044"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XLIV.—How the Monk rid himself of his keepers, and how + Picrochole’s forlorn hope was defeated. + </h2> + <p> + The monk, seeing them break off thus without order, conjectured that they + were to set upon Gargantua and those that were with him, and was + wonderfully grieved that he could not succour them. Then considered he the + countenance of the two keepers in whose custody he was, who would have + willingly run after the troops to get some booty and plunder, and were + always looking towards the valley unto which they were going. Farther, he + syllogized, saying, These men are but badly skilled in matters of war, for + they have not required my parole, neither have they taken my sword from + me. Suddenly hereafter he drew his brackmard or horseman’s sword, + wherewith he gave the keeper which held him on the right side such a sound + slash that he cut clean through the jugulary veins and the sphagitid or + transparent arteries of the neck, with the fore-part of the throat called + the gargareon, even unto the two adenes, which are throat kernels; and, + redoubling the blow, he opened the spinal marrow betwixt the second and + third vertebrae. There fell down that keeper stark dead to the ground. + Then the monk, reining his horse to the left, ran upon the other, who, + seeing his fellow dead, and the monk to have the advantage of him, cried + with a loud voice, Ha, my lord prior, quarter; I yield, my lord prior, + quarter; quarter, my good friend, my lord prior. And the monk cried + likewise, My lord posterior, my friend, my lord posterior, you shall have + it upon your posteriorums. Ha, said the keeper, my lord prior, my minion, + my gentle lord prior, I pray God make you an abbot. By the habit, said the + monk, which I wear, I will here make you a cardinal. What! do you use to + pay ransoms to religious men? You shall therefore have by-and-by a red hat + of my giving. And the fellow cried, Ha, my lord prior, my lord prior, my + lord abbot that shall be, my lord cardinal, my lord all! Ha, ha, hes, no, + my lord prior, my good little lord the prior, I yield, render and deliver + myself up to you. And I deliver thee, said the monk, to all the devils in + hell. Then at one stroke he cut off his head, cutting his scalp upon the + temple-bones, and lifting up in the upper part of the skull the two + triangulary bones called sincipital, or the two bones bregmatis, together + with the sagittal commissure or dartlike seam which distinguisheth the + right side of the head from the left, as also a great part of the coronal + or forehead bone, by which terrible blow likewise he cut the two meninges + or films which enwrap the brain, and made a deep wound in the brain’s + two posterior ventricles, and the cranium or skull abode hanging upon his + shoulders by the skin of the pericranium behind, in form of a doctor’s + bonnet, black without and red within. Thus fell he down also to the ground + stark dead. + </p> + <p> + And presently the monk gave his horse the spur, and kept the way that the + enemy held, who had met with Gargantua and his companions in the broad + highway, and were so diminished of their number for the enormous slaughter + that Gargantua had made with his great tree amongst them, as also Gymnast, + Ponocrates, Eudemon, and the rest, that they began to retreat disorderly + and in great haste, as men altogether affrighted and troubled in both + sense and understanding, and as if they had seen the very proper species + and form of death before their eyes; or rather, as when you see an ass + with a brizze or gadbee under his tail, or fly that stings him, run hither + and thither without keeping any path or way, throwing down his load to the + ground, breaking his bridle and reins, and taking no breath nor rest, and + no man can tell what ails him, for they see not anything touch him. So + fled these people destitute of wit, without knowing any cause of flying, + only pursued by a panic terror which in their minds they had conceived. + The monk, perceiving that their whole intent was to betake themselves to + their heels, alighted from his horse and got upon a big large rock which + was in the way, and with his great brackmard sword laid such load upon + those runaways, and with main strength fetching a compass with his arm + without feigning or sparing, slew and overthrew so many that his sword + broke in two pieces. Then thought he within himself that he had slain and + killed sufficiently, and that the rest should escape to carry news. + Therefore he took up a battle-axe of those that lay there dead, and got + upon the rock again, passing his time to see the enemy thus flying and to + tumble himself amongst the dead bodies, only that he suffered none to + carry pike, sword, lance, nor gun with him, and those who carried the + pilgrims bound he made to alight, and gave their horses unto the said + pilgrims, keeping them there with him under the hedge, and also + Touchfaucet, who was then his prisoner. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0045" id="link2HCH0045"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XLV.—How the Monk carried along with him the Pilgrims, and + of the good words that Grangousier gave them. + </h2> + <p> + This skirmish being ended, Gargantua retreated with his men, excepting the + monk, and about the dawning of the day they came unto Grangousier, who in + his bed was praying unto God for their safety and victory. And seeing them + all safe and sound, he embraced them lovingly, and asked what was become + of the monk. Gargantua answered him that without doubt the enemies had the + monk. Then have they mischief and ill luck, said Grangousier; which was + very true. Therefore is it a common proverb to this day, to give a man the + monk, or, as in French, lui bailler le moine, when they would express the + doing unto one a mischief. Then commanded he a good breakfast to be + provided for their refreshment. When all was ready, they called Gargantua, + but he was so aggrieved that the monk was not to be heard of that he would + neither eat nor drink. In the meanwhile the monk comes, and from the gate + of the outer court cries out aloud, Fresh wine, fresh wine, Gymnast my + friend! Gymnast went out and saw that it was Friar John, who brought along + with him five pilgrims and Touchfaucet prisoners; whereupon Gargantua + likewise went forth to meet him, and all of them made him the best welcome + that possibly they could, and brought him before Grangousier, who asked + him of all his adventures. The monk told him all, both how he was taken, + how he rid himself of his keepers, of the slaughter he had made by the + way, and how he had rescued the pilgrims and brought along with him + Captain Touchfaucet. Then did they altogether fall to banqueting most + merrily. In the meantime Grangousier asked the pilgrims what countrymen + they were, whence they came, and whither they went. Sweer-to-go in the + name of the rest answered, My sovereign lord, I am of Saint Genou in + Berry, this man is of Palvau, this other is of Onzay, this of Argy, this + of St. Nazarand, and this man of Villebrenin. We come from Saint Sebastian + near Nantes, and are now returning, as we best may, by easy journeys. Yea, + but, said Grangousier, what went you to do at Saint Sebastian? We went, + said Sweer-to-go, to offer up unto that sanct our vows against the plague. + Ah, poor men! said Grangousier, do you think that the plague comes from + Saint Sebastian? Yes, truly, answered Sweer-to-go, our preachers tell us + so indeed. But is it so, said Grangousier, do the false prophets teach you + such abuses? Do they thus blaspheme the sancts and holy men of God, as to + make them like unto the devils, who do nothing but hurt unto mankind,—as + Homer writeth, that the plague was sent into the camp of the Greeks by + Apollo, and as the poets feign a great rabble of Vejoves and mischievous + gods. So did a certain cafard or dissembling religionary preach at Sinay, + that Saint Anthony sent the fire into men’s legs, that Saint + Eutropius made men hydropic, Saint Clidas, fools, and that Saint Genou + made them goutish. But I punished him so exemplarily, though he called me + heretic for it, that since that time no such hypocritical rogue durst set + his foot within my territories. And truly I wonder that your king should + suffer them in their sermons to publish such scandalous doctrine in his + dominions; for they deserve to be chastised with greater severity than + those who, by magical art, or any other device, have brought the + pestilence into a country. The pest killeth but the bodies, but such + abominable imposters empoison our very souls. As he spake these words, in + came the monk very resolute, and asked them, Whence are you, you poor + wretches? Of Saint Genou, said they. And how, said the monk, does the + Abbot Gulligut, the good drinker,—and the monks, what cheer make + they? By G— body, they’ll have a fling at your wives, and + breast them to some purpose, whilst you are upon your roaming rant and + gadding pilgrimage. Hin, hen, said Sweer-to-go, I am not afraid of mine, + for he that shall see her by day will never break his neck to come to her + in the night-time. Yea, marry, said the monk, now you have hit it. Let her + be as ugly as ever was Proserpina, she will once, by the Lord G—, be + overturned, and get her skin-coat shaken, if there dwell any monks near to + her; for a good carpenter will make use of any kind of timber. Let me be + peppered with the pox, if you find not all your wives with child at your + return; for the very shadow of the steeple of an abbey is fruitful. It is, + said Gargantua, like the water of Nilus in Egypt, if you believe Strabo + and Pliny, Lib. 7, cap. 3. What virtue will there be then, said the monk, + in their bullets of concupiscence, their habits and their bodies? + </p> + <p> + Then, said Grangousier, go your ways, poor men, in the name of God the + Creator, to whom I pray to guide you perpetually, and henceforward be not + so ready to undertake these idle and unprofitable journeys. Look to your + families, labour every man in his vocation, instruct your children, and + live as the good apostle St. Paul directeth you; in doing whereof, God, + his angels and sancts, will guard and protect you, and no evil or plague + at any time shall befall you. Then Gargantua led them into the hall to + take their refection; but the pilgrims did nothing but sigh, and said to + Gargantua, O how happy is that land which hath such a man for their lord! + We have been more edified and instructed by the talk which he had with us, + than by all the sermons that ever were preached in our town. This is, said + Gargantua, that which Plato saith, Lib. 5 de Republ., that those + commonwealths are happy, whose rulers philosophate, and whose philosophers + rule. Then caused he their wallets to be filled with victuals and their + bottles with wine, and gave unto each of them a horse to ease them upon + the way, together with some pence to live by. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0046" id="link2HCH0046"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XLVI.—How Grangousier did very kindly entertain + Touchfaucet his prisoner. + </h2> + <p> + Touchfaucet was presented unto Grangousier, and by him examined upon the + enterprise and attempt of Picrochole, what it was he could pretend to, or + aim at, by the rustling stir and tumultuary coil of this his sudden + invasion. Whereunto he answered, that his end and purpose was to conquer + all the country, if he could, for the injury done to his cake-bakers. It + is too great an undertaking, said Grangousier; and, as the proverb is, He + that grips too much, holds fast but little. The time is not now as + formerly, to conquer the kingdoms of our neighbour princes, and to build + up our own greatness upon the loss of our nearest Christian Brother. This + imitation of the ancient Herculeses, Alexanders, Hannibals, Scipios, + Caesars, and other such heroes, is quite contrary to the profession of the + gospel of Christ, by which we are commanded to preserve, keep, rule, and + govern every man his own country and lands, and not in a hostile manner to + invade others; and that which heretofore the Barbars and Saracens called + prowess and valour, we do now call robbing, thievery, and wickedness. It + would have been more commendable in him to have contained himself within + the bounds of his own territories, royally governing them, than to insult + and domineer in mine, pillaging and plundering everywhere like a most + unmerciful enemy; for, by ruling his own with discretion, he might have + increased his greatness, but by robbing me he cannot escape destruction. + Go your ways in the name of God, prosecute good enterprises, show your + king what is amiss, and never counsel him with regard unto your own + particular profit, for the public loss will swallow up the private + benefit. As for your ransom, I do freely remit it to you, and will that + your arms and horse be restored to you; so should good neighbours do, and + ancient friends, seeing this our difference is not properly war. As Plato, + Lib. 5 de Repub., would not have it called war, but sedition, when the + Greeks took up arms against one another, and that therefore, when such + combustions should arise amongst them, his advice was to behave themselves + in the managing of them with all discretion and modesty. Although you call + it war, it is but superficial; it entereth not into the closet and inmost + cabinet of our hearts. For neither of us hath been wronged in his honour, + nor is there any question betwixt us in the main, but only how to redress, + by the bye, some petty faults committed by our men,—I mean, both + yours and ours, which, although you knew, you ought to let pass; for these + quarrelsome persons deserve rather to be contemned than mentioned, + especially seeing I offered them satisfaction according to the wrong. God + shall be the just judge of our variances, whom I beseech by death rather + to take me out of this life, and to permit my goods to perish and be + destroyed before mine eyes, than that by me or mine he should in any sort + be wronged. These words uttered, he called the monk, and before them all + thus spoke unto him, Friar John, my good friend, it is you that took + prisoner the Captain Touchfaucet here present? Sir, said the monk, seeing + himself is here, and that he is of the years of discretion, I had rather + you should know it by his confession than by any words of mine. Then said + Touchfaucet, My sovereign lord it is he indeed that took me, and I do + therefore most freely yield myself his prisoner. Have you put him to any + ransom? said Grangousier to the monk. No, said the monk, of that I take no + care. How much would you have for having taken him? Nothing, nothing, said + the monk; I am not swayed by that, nor do I regard it. Then Grangousier + commanded that, in presence of Touchfaucet, should be delivered to the + monk for taking him the sum of three score and two thousand saluts (in + English money, fifteen thousand and five hundred pounds), which was done, + whilst they made a collation or little banquet to the said Touchfaucet, of + whom Grangousier asked if he would stay with him, or if he loved rather to + return to his king. Touchfaucet answered that he was content to take + whatever course he would advise him to. Then, said Grangousier, return + unto your king, and God be with you. + </p> + <p> + Then he gave him an excellent sword of a Vienne blade, with a golden + scabbard wrought with vine-branch-like flourishes, of fair goldsmith’s + work, and a collar or neck-chain of gold, weighing seven hundred and two + thousand marks (at eight ounces each), garnished with precious stones of + the finest sort, esteemed at a hundred and sixty thousand ducats, and ten + thousand crowns more, as an honourable donative, by way of present. + </p> + <p> + After this talk Touchfaucet got to his horse, and Gargantua for his safety + allowed him the guard of thirty men-at-arms and six score archers to + attend him, under the conduct of Gymnast, to bring him even unto the gate + of the rock Clermond, if there were need. As soon as he was gone, the monk + restored unto Grangousier the three score and two thousand saluts which he + had received, saying, Sir, it is not as yet the time for you to give such + gifts; stay till this war be at an end, for none can tell what accidents + may occur, and war begun without good provision of money beforehand for + going through with it, is but as a breathing of strength, and blast that + will quickly pass away. Coin is the sinews of war. Well then, said + Grangousier, at the end I will content you by some honest recompense, as + also all those who shall do me good service. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0047" id="link2HCH0047"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XLVII.—How Grangousier sent for his legions, and how + Touchfaucet slew Rashcalf, and was afterwards executed by the command of + Picrochole. + </h2> + <p> + About this same time those of Besse, of the Old Market, of St. James’ + Bourg, of the Draggage, of Parille, of the Rivers, of the rocks St. Pol, + of the Vaubreton, of Pautille, of the Brehemont, of Clainbridge, of + Cravant, of Grammont, of the town at the Badgerholes, of Huymes, of Segre, + of Husse, of St. Lovant, of Panzoust, of the Coldraux, of Verron, of + Coulaines, of Chose, of Varenes, of Bourgueil, of the Bouchard Island, of + the Croullay, of Narsay, of Cande, of Montsoreau, and other bordering + places, sent ambassadors unto Grangousier, to tell him that they were + advised of the great wrongs which Picrochole had done him, and, in regard + of their ancient confederacy, offered him what assistance they could + afford, both in men, money, victuals, and ammunition, and other + necessaries for war. The money which by the joint agreement of them all + was sent unto him, amounted to six score and fourteen millions, two crowns + and a half of pure gold. The forces wherewith they did assist him did + consist in fifteen thousand cuirassiers, two-and-thirty thousand light + horsemen, four score and nine thousand dragoons, and a hundred-and-forty + thousand volunteer adventurers. These had with them eleven thousand and + two hundred cannons, double cannons, long pieces of artillery called + basilisks, and smaller sized ones known by the name of spirols, besides + the mortar-pieces and grenadoes. Of pioneers they had seven-and-forty + thousand, all victualled and paid for six months and four days of advance. + Which offer Gargantua did not altogether refuse, nor wholly accept of; + but, giving them hearty thanks, said that he would compose and order the + war by such a device, that there should not be found great need to put so + many honest men to trouble in the managing of it; and therefore was + content at that time to give order only for bringing along the legions + which he maintained in his ordinary garrison towns of the Deviniere, of + Chavigny, of Gravot, and of the Quinquenais, amounting to the number of + two thousand cuirassiers, three score and six thousand foot-soldiers, + six-and-twenty thousand dragoons, attended by two hundred pieces of great + ordnance, two-and-twenty thousand pioneers, and six thousand light + horsemen, all drawn up in troops, so well befitted and accommodated with + their commissaries, sutlers, farriers, harness-makers, and other such like + necessary members in a military camp, so fully instructed in the art of + warfare, so perfectly knowing and following their colours, so ready to + hear and obey their captains, so nimble to run, so strong at their + charging, so prudent in their adventures, and every day so well + disciplined, that they seemed rather to be a concert of organ-pipes, or + mutual concord of the wheels of a clock, than an infantry and cavalry, or + army of soldiers. + </p> + <p> + Touchfaucet immediately after his return presented himself before + Picrochole, and related unto him at large all that he had done and seen, + and at last endeavoured to persuade him with strong and forcible arguments + to capitulate and make an agreement with Grangousier, whom he found to be + the honestest man in the world; saying further, that it was neither right + nor reason thus to trouble his neighbours, of whom they had never received + anything but good. And in regard of the main point, that they should never + be able to go through stitch with that war, but to their great damage and + mischief; for the forces of Picrochole were not so considerable but that + Grangousier could easily overthrow them. + </p> + <p> + He had not well done speaking when Rashcalf said out aloud, Unhappy is + that prince which is by such men served, who are so easily corrupted, as I + know Touchfaucet is. For I see his courage so changed that he had + willingly joined with our enemies to fight against us and betray us, if + they would have received him; but as virtue is of all, both friends and + foes, praised and esteemed, so is wickedness soon known and suspected, and + although it happen the enemies to make use thereof for their profit, yet + have they always the wicked and the traitors in abomination. + </p> + <p> + Touchfaucet being at these words very impatient, drew out his sword, and + therewith ran Rashcalf through the body, a little under the nipple of his + left side, whereof he died presently, and pulling back his sword out of + his body said boldly, So let him perish that shall a faithful servant + blame. Picrochole incontinently grew furious, and seeing Touchfaucet’s + new sword and his scabbard so richly diapered with flourishes of most + excellent workmanship, said, Did they give thee this weapon so feloniously + therewith to kill before my face my so good friend Rashcalf? Then + immediately commanded he his guard to hew him in pieces, which was + instantly done, and that so cruelly that the chamber was all dyed with + blood. Afterwards he appointed the corpse of Rashcalf to be honourably + buried, and that of Touchfaucet to be cast over the walls into the ditch. + </p> + <p> + The news of these excessive violences were quickly spread through all the + army; whereupon many began to murmur against Picrochole, in so far that + Pinchpenny said to him, My sovereign lord, I know not what the issue of + this enterprise will be. I see your men much dejected, and not well + resolved in their minds, by considering that we are here very ill provided + of victual, and that our number is already much diminished by three or + four sallies. Furthermore, great supplies and recruits come daily in to + your enemies; but we so moulder away that, if we be once besieged, I do + not see how we can escape a total destruction. Tush, pish, said + Picrochole, you are like the Melun eels, you cry before they come to you. + Let them come, let them come, if they dare. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0048" id="link2HCH0048"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XLVIII.—How Gargantua set upon Picrochole within the rock + Clermond, and utterly defeated the army of the said Picrochole. + </h2> + <p> + Gargantua had the charge of the whole army, and his father Grangousier + stayed in his castle, who, encouraging them with good words, promised + great rewards unto those that should do any notable service. Having thus + set forward, as soon as they had gained the pass at the ford of Vede, with + boats and bridges speedily made they passed over in a trice. Then + considering the situation of the town, which was on a high and + advantageous place, Gargantua thought fit to call his council, and pass + that night in deliberation upon what was to be done. But Gymnast said unto + him, My sovereign lord, such is the nature and complexion of the French, + that they are worth nothing but at the first push. Then are they more + fierce than devils. But if they linger a little and be wearied with + delays, they’ll prove more faint and remiss than women. My opinion + is, therefore, that now presently, after your men have taken breath and + some small refection, you give order for a resolute assault, and that we + storm them instantly. His advice was found very good, and for effectuating + thereof he brought forth his army into the plain field, and placed the + reserves on the skirt or rising of a little hill. The monk took along with + him six companies of foot and two hundred horsemen well armed, and with + great diligence crossed the marsh, and valiantly got upon the top of the + green hillock even unto the highway which leads to Loudun. Whilst the + assault was thus begun, Picrochole’s men could not tell well what + was best, to issue out and receive the assailants, or keep within the town + and not to stir. Himself in the mean time, without deliberation, sallied + forth in a rage with the cavalry of his guard, who were forthwith received + and royally entertained with great cannon-shot that fell upon them like + hail from the high grounds on which the artillery was planted. Whereupon + the Gargantuists betook themselves unto the valleys, to give the ordnance + leave to play and range with the larger scope. + </p> + <p> + Those of the town defended themselves as well as they could, but their + shot passed over us without doing us any hurt at all. Some of Picrochole’s + men that had escaped our artillery set most fiercely upon our soldiers, + but prevailed little; for they were all let in betwixt the files, and + there knocked down to the ground, which their fellow-soldiers seeing, they + would have retreated, but the monk having seized upon the pass by the + which they were to return, they ran away and fled in all the disorder and + confusion that could be imagined. + </p> + <p> + Some would have pursued after them and followed the chase, but the monk + withheld them, apprehending that in their pursuit the pursuers might lose + their ranks, and so give occasion to the besieged to sally out of the town + upon them. Then staying there some space and none coming against him, he + sent the Duke Phrontist to advise Gargantua to advance towards the hill + upon the left hand, to hinder Picrochole’s retreat at that gate; + which Gargantua did with all expedition, and sent thither four brigades + under the conduct of Sebast, which had no sooner reached the top of the + hill, but they met Picrochole in the teeth, and those that were with him + scattered. + </p> + <p> + Then charged they upon them stoutly, yet were they much endamaged by those + that were upon the walls, who galled them with all manner of shot, both + from the great ordnance, small guns, and bows. Which Gargantua perceiving, + he went with a strong party to their relief, and with his artillery began + to thunder so terribly upon that canton of the wall, and so long, that all + the strength within the town, to maintain and fill up the breach, was + drawn thither. The monk seeing that quarter which he kept besieged void of + men and competent guards, and in a manner altogether naked and abandoned, + did most magnanimously on a sudden lead up his men towards the fort, and + never left it till he had got up upon it, knowing that such as come to the + reserve in a conflict bring with them always more fear and terror than + those that deal about them with they hands in the fight. + </p> + <p> + Nevertheless, he gave no alarm till all his soldiers had got within the + wall, except the two hundred horsemen, whom he left without to secure his + entry. Then did he give a most horrible shout, so did all these who were + with him, and immediately thereafter, without resistance, putting to the + edge of the sword the guard that was at that gate, they opened it to the + horsemen, with whom most furiously they altogether ran towards the east + gate, where all the hurlyburly was, and coming close upon them in the rear + overthrew all their forces. + </p> + <p> + The besieged, seeing that the Gargantuists had won the town upon them, and + that they were like to be secure in no corner of it, submitted themselves + unto the mercy of the monk, and asked for quarter, which the monk very + nobly granted to them, yet made them lay down their arms; then, shutting + them up within churches, gave order to seize upon all the staves of the + crosses, and placed men at the doors to keep them from coming forth. Then + opening that east gate, he issued out to succour and assist Gargantua. But + Picrochole, thinking it had been some relief coming to him from the town, + adventured more forwardly than before, and was upon the giving of a most + desperate home-charge, when Gargantua cried out, Ha, Friar John, my friend + Friar John, you are come in a good hour. Which unexpected accident so + affrighted Picrochole and his men, that, giving all for lost, they betook + themselves to their heels, and fled on all hands. Gargantua chased them + till they came near to Vaugaudry, killing and slaying all the way, and + then sounded the retreat. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0049" id="link2HCH0049"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.XLIX.—How Picrochole in his flight fell into great + misfortunes, and what Gargantua did after the battle. + </h2> + <p> + Picrochole thus in despair fled towards the Bouchard Island, and in the + way to Riviere his horse stumbled and fell down, whereat he on a sudden + was so incensed, that he with his sword without more ado killed him in his + choler; then, not finding any that would remount him, he was about to have + taken an ass at the mill that was thereby; but the miller’s men did + so baste his bones and so soundly bethwack him that they made him both + black and blue with strokes; then stripping him of all his clothes, gave + him a scurvy old canvas jacket wherewith to cover his nakedness. Thus went + along this poor choleric wretch, who, passing the water at Port-Huaulx, + and relating his misadventurous disasters, was foretold by an old + Lourpidon hag that his kingdom should be restored to him at the coming of + the Cocklicranes, which she called Coquecigrues. What is become of him + since we cannot certainly tell, yet was I told that he is now a porter at + Lyons, as testy and pettish in humour as ever he was before, and would be + always with great lamentation inquiring at all strangers of the coming of + the Cocklicranes, expecting assuredly, according to the old woman’s + prophecy, that at their coming he shall be re-established in his kingdom. + The first thing Gargantua did after his return into the town was to call + the muster-roll of his men, which when he had done, he found that there + were very few either killed or wounded, only some few foot of Captain + Tolmere’s company, and Ponocrates, who was shot with a musket-ball + through the doublet. Then he caused them all at and in their several posts + and divisions to take a little refreshment, which was very plenteously + provided for them in the best drink and victuals that could be had for + money, and gave order to the treasurers and commissaries of the army to + pay for and defray that repast, and that there should be no outrage at all + nor abuse committed in the town, seeing it was his own. And furthermore + commanded, that immediately after the soldiers had done with eating and + drinking for that time sufficiently and to their own hearts’ desire, + a gathering should be beaten for bringing them altogether, to be drawn up + on the piazza before the castle, there to receive six months’ pay + completely. All which was done. After this, by his direction, were brought + before him in the said place all those that remained of Picrochole’s + party, unto whom, in the presence of the princes, nobles, and officers of + his court and army, he spoke as followeth. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0050" id="link2HCH0050"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.L.—Gargantua’s speech to the vanquished. + </h2> + <p> + Our forefathers and ancestors of all times have been of this nature and + disposition, that, upon the winning of a battle, they have chosen rather, + for a sign and memorial of their triumphs and victories, to erect trophies + and monuments in the hearts of the vanquished by clemency than by + architecture in the lands which they had conquered. For they did hold in + greater estimation the lively remembrance of men purchased by liberality + than the dumb inscription of arches, pillars, and pyramids, subject to the + injury of storms and tempests, and to the envy of everyone. You may very + well remember of the courtesy which by them was used towards the Bretons + in the battle of St. Aubin of Cormier and at the demolishing of Partenay. + You have heard, and hearing admire, their gentle comportment towards those + at the barriers (the barbarians) of Spaniola, who had plundered, wasted, + and ransacked the maritime borders of Olone and Thalmondois. All this + hemisphere of the world was filled with the praises and congratulations + which yourselves and your fathers made, when Alpharbal, King of Canarre, + not satisfied with his own fortunes, did most furiously invade the land of + Onyx, and with cruel piracies molest all the Armoric Islands and confine + regions of Britany. Yet was he in a set naval fight justly taken and + vanquished by my father, whom God preserve and protect. But what? Whereas + other kings and emperors, yea, those who entitle themselves Catholics, + would have dealt roughly with him, kept him a close prisoner, and put him + to an extreme high ransom, he entreated him very courteously, lodged him + kindly with himself in his own palace, and out of his incredible mildness + and gentle disposition sent him back with a safe conduct, laden with + gifts, laden with favours, laden with all offices of friendship. What fell + out upon it? Being returned into his country, he called a parliament, + where all the princes and states of his kingdom being assembled, he showed + them the humanity which he had found in us, and therefore wished them to + take such course by way of compensation therein as that the whole world + might be edified by the example, as well of their honest graciousness to + us as of our gracious honesty towards them. The result hereof was, that it + was voted and decreed by an unanimous consent, that they should offer up + entirely their lands, dominions, and kingdoms, to be disposed of by us + according to our pleasure. + </p> + <p> + Alpharbal in his own person presently returned with nine thousand and + thirty-eight great ships of burden, bringing with him the treasures, not + only of his house and royal lineage, but almost of all the country + besides. For he embarking himself, to set sail with a west-north-east + wind, everyone in heaps did cast into the ship gold, silver, rings, + jewels, spices, drugs, and aromatical perfumes, parrots, pelicans, + monkeys, civet-cats, black-spotted weasels, porcupines, &c. He was + accounted no good mother’s son that did not cast in all the rare and + precious things he had. + </p> + <p> + Being safely arrived, he came to my said father, and would have kissed his + feet. That action was found too submissively low, and therefore was not + permitted, but in exchange he was most cordially embraced. He offered his + presents; they were not received, because they were too excessive: he + yielded himself voluntarily a servant and vassal, and was content his + whole posterity should be liable to the same bondage; this was not + accepted of, because it seemed not equitable: he surrendered, by virtue of + the decree of his great parliamentary council, his whole countries and + kingdoms to him, offering the deed and conveyance, signed, sealed, and + ratified by all those that were concerned in it; this was altogether + refused, and the parchments cast into the fire. In end, this free goodwill + and simple meaning of the Canarians wrought such tenderness in my father’s + heart that he could not abstain from shedding tears, and wept most + profusely; then, by choice words very congruously adapted, strove in what + he could to diminish the estimation of the good offices which he had done + them, saying, that any courtesy he had conferred upon them was not worth a + rush, and what favour soever he had showed them he was bound to do it. But + so much the more did Alpharbal augment the repute thereof. What was the + issue? Whereas for his ransom, in the greatest extremity of rigour and + most tyrannical dealing, could not have been exacted above twenty times a + hundred thousand crowns, and his eldest sons detained as hostages till + that sum had been paid, they made themselves perpetual tributaries, and + obliged to give us every year two millions of gold at four-and-twenty + carats fine. The first year we received the whole sum of two millions; the + second year of their own accord they paid freely to us three-and-twenty + hundred thousand crowns; the third year, six-and-twenty hundred thousand; + the fourth year, three millions, and do so increase it always out of their + own goodwill that we shall be constrained to forbid them to bring us any + more. This is the nature of gratitude and true thankfulness. For time, + which gnaws and diminisheth all things else, augments and increaseth + benefits; because a noble action of liberality, done to a man of reason, + doth grow continually by his generous thinking of it and remembering it. + </p> + <p> + Being unwilling therefore any way to degenerate from the hereditary + mildness and clemency of my parents, I do now forgive you, deliver you + from all fines and imprisonments, fully release you, set you at liberty, + and every way make you as frank and free as ever you were before. + Moreover, at your going out of the gate, you shall have every one of you + three months’ pay to bring you home into your houses and families, + and shall have a safe convoy of six hundred cuirassiers and eight thousand + foot under the conduct of Alexander, esquire of my body, that the clubmen + of the country may not do you any injury. God be with you! I am sorry from + my heart that Picrochole is not here; for I would have given him to + understand that this war was undertaken against my will and without any + hope to increase either my goods or renown. But seeing he is lost, and + that no man can tell where nor how he went away, it is my will that his + kingdom remain entire to his son; who, because he is too young, he not + being yet full five years old, shall be brought up and instructed by the + ancient princes and learned men of the kingdom. And because a realm thus + desolate may easily come to ruin, if the covetousness and avarice of those + who by their places are obliged to administer justice in it be not curbed + and restrained, I ordain and will have it so, that Ponocrates be overseer + and superintendent above all his governors, with whatever power and + authority is requisite thereto, and that he be continually with the child + until he find him able and capable to rule and govern by himself. + </p> + <p> + Now I must tell you, that you are to understand how a too feeble and + dissolute facility in pardoning evildoers giveth them occasion to commit + wickedness afterwards more readily, upon this pernicious confidence of + receiving favour. I consider that Moses, the meekest man that was in his + time upon the earth, did severely punish the mutinous and seditious people + of Israel. I consider likewise that Julius Caesar, who was so gracious an + emperor that Cicero said of him that his fortune had nothing more + excellent than that he could, and his virtue nothing better than that he + would always save and pardon every man—he, notwithstanding all this, + did in certain places most rigorously punish the authors of rebellion. + After the example of these good men, it is my will and pleasure that you + deliver over unto me before you depart hence, first, that fine fellow + Marquet, who was the prime cause, origin, and groundwork of this war by + his vain presumption and overweening; secondly, his fellow cake-bakers, + who were neglective in checking and reprehending his idle hairbrained + humour in the instant time; and lastly, all the councillors, captains, + officers, and domestics of Picrochole, who had been incendiaries or + fomenters of the war by provoking, praising, or counselling him to come + out of his limits thus to trouble us. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0051" id="link2HCH0051"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.LI.—How the victorious Gargantuists were recompensed after + the battle. + </h2> + <p> + When Gargantua had finished his speech, the seditious men whom he required + were delivered up unto him, except Swashbuckler, Dirt-tail, and + Smalltrash, who ran away six hours before the battle—one of them as + far as to Lainiel-neck at one course, another to the valley of Vire, and + the third even unto Logroine, without looking back or taking breath by the + way—and two of the cake-bakers who were slain in the fight. + Gargantua did them no other hurt but that he appointed them to pull at the + presses of his printing-house which he had newly set up. Then those who + died there he caused to be honourably buried in Black-soile valley and + Burn-hag field, and gave order that the wounded should be dressed and had + care of in his great hospital or nosocome. After this, considering the + great prejudice done to the town and its inhabitants, he reimbursed their + charges and repaired all the losses that by their confession upon oath + could appear they had sustained; and, for their better defence and + security in times coming against all sudden uproars and invasions, + commanded a strong citadel to be built there with a competent garrison to + maintain it. At his departure he did very graciously thank all the + soldiers of the brigades that had been at this overthrow, and sent them + back to their winter-quarters in their several stations and garrisons; the + decumane legion only excepted, whom in the field on that day he saw do + some great exploit, and their captains also, whom he brought along with + himself unto Grangousier. + </p> + <p> + At the sight and coming of them, the good man was so joyful, that it is + not possible fully to describe it. He made them a feast the most + magnificent, plentiful, and delicious that ever was seen since the time of + the king Ahasuerus. At the taking up of the table he distributed amongst + them his whole cupboard of plate, which weighed eight hundred thousand and + fourteen bezants (Each bezant is worth five pounds English money.) of + gold, in great antique vessels, huge pots, large basins, big tasses, cups, + goblets, candlesticks, comfit-boxes, and other such plate, all of pure + massy gold, besides the precious stones, enamelling, and workmanship, + which by all men’s estimation was more worth than the matter of the + gold. Then unto every one of them out of his coffers caused he to be given + the sum of twelve hundred thousand crowns ready money. And, further, he + gave to each of them for ever and in perpetuity, unless he should happen + to decease without heirs, such castles and neighbouring lands of his as + were most commodious for them. To Ponocrates he gave the rock Clermond; to + Gymnast, the Coudray; to Eudemon, Montpensier; Rivau, to Tolmere, to + Ithibolle, Montsoreau; to Acamas, Cande; Varenes, to Chironacte; Gravot, + to Sebast; Quinquenais, to Alexander; Legre, to Sophrone, and so of his + other places. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0052" id="link2HCH0052"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.LII.—How Gargantua caused to be built for the Monk the + Abbey of Theleme. + </h2> + <p> + There was left only the monk to provide for, whom Gargantua would have + made Abbot of Seville, but he refused it. He would have given him the + Abbey of Bourgueil, or of Sanct Florent, which was better, or both, if it + pleased him; but the monk gave him a very peremptory answer, that he would + never take upon him the charge nor government of monks. For how shall I be + able, said he, to rule over others, that have not full power and command + of myself? If you think I have done you, or may hereafter do any + acceptable service, give me leave to found an abbey after my own mind and + fancy. The motion pleased Gargantua very well, who thereupon offered him + all the country of Theleme by the river of Loire till within two leagues + of the great forest of Port-Huaulx. The monk then requested Gargantua to + institute his religious order contrary to all others. First, then, said + Gargantua, you must not build a wall about your convent, for all other + abbeys are strongly walled and mured about. See, said the monk, and not + without cause (seeing wall and mur signify but one and the same thing); + where there is mur before and mur behind, there is store of murmur, envy, + and mutual conspiracy. Moreover, seeing there are certain convents in the + world whereof the custom is, if any woman come in, I mean chaste and + honest women, they immediately sweep the ground which they have trod upon; + therefore was it ordained, that if any man or woman entered into religious + orders should by chance come within this new abbey, all the rooms should + be thoroughly washed and cleansed through which they had passed. And + because in all other monasteries and nunneries all is compassed, limited, + and regulated by hours, it was decreed that in this new structure there + should be neither clock nor dial, but that according to the opportunities + and incident occasions all their hours should be disposed of; for, said + Gargantua, the greatest loss of time that I know is to count the hours. + What good comes of it? Nor can there be any greater dotage in the world + than for one to guide and direct his courses by the sound of a bell, and + not by his own judgment and discretion. + </p> + <p> + Item, Because at that time they put no women into nunneries but such as + were either purblind, blinkards, lame, crooked, ill-favoured, misshapen, + fools, senseless, spoiled, or corrupt; nor encloistered any men but those + that were either sickly, subject to defluxions, ill-bred louts, simple + sots, or peevish trouble-houses. But to the purpose, said the monk. A + woman that is neither fair nor good, to what use serves she? To make a nun + of, said Gargantua. Yea, said the monk, and to make shirts and smocks. + Therefore was it ordained that into this religious order should be + admitted no women that were not fair, well-featured, and of a sweet + disposition; nor men that were not comely, personable, and well + conditioned. + </p> + <p> + Item, Because in the convents of women men come not but underhand, + privily, and by stealth, it was therefore enacted that in this house there + shall be no women in case there be not men, nor men in case there be not + women. + </p> + <p> + Item, Because both men and women that are received into religious orders + after the expiring of their noviciate or probation year were constrained + and forced perpetually to stay there all the days of their life, it was + therefore ordered that all whatever, men or women, admitted within this + abbey, should have full leave to depart with peace and contentment + whensoever it should seem good to them so to do. + </p> + <p> + Item, for that the religious men and women did ordinarily make three vows, + to wit, those of chastity, poverty, and obedience, it was therefore + constituted and appointed that in this convent they might be honourably + married, that they might be rich, and live at liberty. In regard of the + legitimate time of the persons to be initiated, and years under and above + which they were not capable of reception, the women were to be admitted + from ten till fifteen, and the men from twelve till eighteen. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0053" id="link2HCH0053"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.LIII.—How the abbey of the Thelemites was built and + endowed. + </h2> + <p> + For the fabric and furniture of the abbey Gargantua caused to be delivered + out in ready money seven-and-twenty hundred thousand, eight hundred and + one-and-thirty of those golden rams of Berry which have a sheep stamped on + the one side and a flowered cross on the other; and for every year, until + the whole work were completed, he allotted threescore nine thousand crowns + of the sun, and as many of the seven stars, to be charged all upon the + receipt of the custom. For the foundation and maintenance thereof for + ever, he settled a perpetual fee-farm-rent of three-and-twenty hundred, + three score and nine thousand, five hundred and fourteen rose nobles, + exempted from all homage, fealty, service, or burden whatsoever, and + payable every year at the gate of the abbey; and of this by letters patent + passed a very good grant. The architecture was in a figure hexagonal, and + in such a fashion that in every one of the six corners there was built a + great round tower of threescore foot in diameter, and were all of a like + form and bigness. Upon the north side ran along the river of Loire, on the + bank whereof was situated the tower called Arctic. Going towards the east, + there was another called Calaer,—the next following Anatole,—the + next Mesembrine,—the next Hesperia, and the last Criere. Every tower + was distant from other the space of three hundred and twelve paces. The + whole edifice was everywhere six storeys high, reckoning the cellars + underground for one. The second was arched after the fashion of a + basket-handle; the rest were ceiled with pure wainscot, flourished with + Flanders fretwork, in the form of the foot of a lamp, and covered above + with fine slates, with an endorsement of lead, carrying the antique + figures of little puppets and animals of all sorts, notably well suited to + one another, and gilt, together with the gutters, which, jutting without + the walls from betwixt the crossbars in a diagonal figure, painted with + gold and azure, reached to the very ground, where they ended into great + conduit-pipes, which carried all away unto the river from under the house. + </p> + <p> + This same building was a hundred times more sumptuous and magnificent than + ever was Bonnivet, Chambourg, or Chantilly; for there were in it nine + thousand, three hundred and two-and-thirty chambers, every one whereof had + a withdrawing-room, a handsome closet, a wardrobe, an oratory, and neat + passage, leading into a great and spacious hall. Between every tower in + the midst of the said body of building there was a pair of winding, such + as we now call lantern stairs, whereof the steps were part of porphyry, + which is a dark red marble spotted with white, part of Numidian stone, + which is a kind of yellowishly-streaked marble upon various colours, and + part of serpentine marble, with light spots on a dark green ground, each + of those steps being two-and-twenty foot in length and three fingers + thick, and the just number of twelve betwixt every rest, or, as we now + term it, landing-place. In every resting-place were two fair antique + arches where the light came in: and by those they went into a cabinet, + made even with and of the breadth of the said winding, and the reascending + above the roofs of the house ended conically in a pavilion. By that vise + or winding they entered on every side into a great hall, and from the + halls into the chambers. From the Arctic tower unto the Criere were the + fair great libraries in Greek, Latin, Hebrew, French, Italian, and + Spanish, respectively distributed in their several cantons, according to + the diversity of these languages. In the midst there was a wonderful + scalier or winding-stair, the entry whereof was without the house, in a + vault or arch six fathom broad. It was made in such symmetry and largeness + that six men-at-arms with their lances in their rests might together in a + breast ride all up to the very top of all the palace. From the tower + Anatole to the Mesembrine were fair spacious galleries, all coloured over + and painted with the ancient prowesses, histories, and descriptions of the + world. In the midst thereof there was likewise such another ascent and + gate as we said there was on the river-side. Upon that gate was written in + great antique letters that which followeth. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0054" id="link2HCH0054"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.LIV.—The inscription set upon the great gate of Theleme. + </h2> + <p> + Here enter not vile bigots, hypocrites, Externally devoted apes, base + snites, Puffed-up, wry-necked beasts, worse than the Huns, Or Ostrogoths, + forerunners of baboons: Cursed snakes, dissembled varlets, seeming sancts, + Slipshod caffards, beggars pretending wants, Fat chuffcats, smell-feast + knockers, doltish gulls, Out-strouting cluster-fists, contentious bulls, + Fomenters of divisions and debates, Elsewhere, not here, make sale of your + deceits. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Your filthy trumperies +Stuffed with pernicious lies +(Not worth a bubble), +Would do but trouble +Our earthly paradise, +Your filthy trumperies. +</pre> + <p> + Here enter not attorneys, barristers, Nor bridle-champing + law-practitioners: Clerks, commissaries, scribes, nor pharisees, Wilful + disturbers of the people’s ease: Judges, destroyers, with an unjust + breath, Of honest men, like dogs, even unto death. Your salary is at the + gibbet-foot: Go drink there! for we do not here fly out On those excessive + courses, which may draw A waiting on your courts by suits in law. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Lawsuits, debates, and wrangling +Hence are exiled, and jangling. +Here we are very +Frolic and merry, +And free from all entangling, +Lawsuits, debates, and wrangling. +</pre> + <p> + Here enter not base pinching usurers, Pelf-lickers, everlasting gatherers, + Gold-graspers, coin-gripers, gulpers of mists, Niggish deformed sots, who, + though your chests Vast sums of money should to you afford, Would ne’ertheless + add more unto that hoard, And yet not be content,—you clunchfist + dastards, Insatiable fiends, and Pluto’s bastards, Greedy devourers, + chichy sneakbill rogues, Hell-mastiffs gnaw your bones, you ravenous dogs. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +You beastly-looking fellows, +Reason doth plainly tell us +That we should not +To you allot +Room here, but at the gallows, +You beastly-looking fellows. +</pre> + <p> + Here enter not fond makers of demurs In love adventures, peevish, jealous + curs, Sad pensive dotards, raisers of garboils, Hags, goblins, ghosts, + firebrands of household broils, Nor drunkards, liars, cowards, cheaters, + clowns, Thieves, cannibals, faces o’ercast with frowns, Nor lazy + slugs, envious, covetous, Nor blockish, cruel, nor too credulous,— + Here mangy, pocky folks shall have no place, No ugly lusks, nor persons of + disgrace. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Grace, honour, praise, delight, +Here sojourn day and night. +Sound bodies lined +With a good mind, +Do here pursue with might +Grace, honour, praise, delight. +</pre> + <p> + Here enter you, and welcome from our hearts, All noble sparks, endowed + with gallant parts. This is the glorious place, which bravely shall Afford + wherewith to entertain you all. Were you a thousand, here you shall not + want For anything; for what you’ll ask we’ll grant. Stay here, + you lively, jovial, handsome, brisk, Gay, witty, frolic, cheerful, merry, + frisk, Spruce, jocund, courteous, furtherers of trades, And, in a word, + all worthy gentle blades. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Blades of heroic breasts +Shall taste here of the feasts, +Both privily +And civilly +Of the celestial guests, +Blades of heroic breasts. +</pre> + <p> + Here enter you, pure, honest, faithful, true Expounders of the Scriptures + old and new. Whose glosses do not blind our reason, but Make it to see the + clearer, and who shut Its passages from hatred, avarice, Pride, factions, + covenants, and all sort of vice. Come, settle here a charitable faith, + Which neighbourly affection nourisheth. And whose light chaseth all + corrupters hence, Of the blest word, from the aforesaid sense. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +The holy sacred Word, +May it always afford +T’ us all in common, +Both man and woman, +A spiritual shield and sword, +The holy sacred Word. +</pre> + <p> + Here enter you all ladies of high birth, Delicious, stately, charming, + full of mirth, Ingenious, lovely, miniard, proper, fair, Magnetic, + graceful, splendid, pleasant, rare, Obliging, sprightly, virtuous, young, + solacious, Kind, neat, quick, feat, bright, compt, ripe, choice, dear, + precious. Alluring, courtly, comely, fine, complete, Wise, personable, + ravishing, and sweet, Come joys enjoy. The Lord celestial Hath given + enough wherewith to please us all. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Gold give us, God forgive us, +And from all woes relieve us; +That we the treasure +May reap of pleasure, +And shun whate’er is grievous, +Gold give us, God forgive us. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0055" id="link2HCH0055"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.LV.—What manner of dwelling the Thelemites had. + </h2> + <p> + In the middle of the lower court there was a stately fountain of fair + alabaster. Upon the top thereof stood the three Graces, with their + cornucopias, or horns of abundance, and did jet out the water at their + breasts, mouth, ears, eyes, and other open passages of the body. The + inside of the buildings in this lower court stood upon great pillars of + chalcedony stone and porphyry marble made archways after a goodly antique + fashion. Within those were spacious galleries, long and large, adorned + with curious pictures, the horns of bucks and unicorns: with rhinoceroses, + water-horses called hippopotames, the teeth and tusks of elephants, and + other things well worth the beholding. The lodging of the ladies, for so + we may call those gallant women, took up all from the tower Arctic unto + the gate Mesembrine. The men possessed the rest. Before the said lodging + of the ladies, that they might have their recreation, between the two + first towers, on the outside, were placed the tiltyard, the barriers or + lists for tournaments, the hippodrome or riding-court, the theatre or + public playhouse, and natatory or place to swim in, with most admirable + baths in three stages, situated above one another, well furnished with all + necessary accommodation, and store of myrtle-water. By the river-side was + the fair garden of pleasure, and in the midst of that the glorious + labyrinth. Between the two other towers were the courts for the tennis and + the balloon. Towards the tower Criere stood the orchard full of all + fruit-trees, set and ranged in a quincuncial order. At the end of that was + the great park, abounding with all sort of venison. Betwixt the third + couple of towers were the butts and marks for shooting with a snapwork + gun, an ordinary bow for common archery, or with a crossbow. The + office-houses were without the tower Hesperia, of one storey high. The + stables were beyond the offices, and before them stood the falconry, + managed by ostrich-keepers and falconers very expert in the art, and it + was yearly supplied and furnished by the Candians, Venetians, Sarmates, + now called Muscoviters, with all sorts of most excellent hawks, eagles, + gerfalcons, goshawks, sacres, lanners, falcons, sparrowhawks, marlins, and + other kinds of them, so gentle and perfectly well manned, that, flying of + themselves sometimes from the castle for their own disport, they would not + fail to catch whatever they encountered. The venery, where the beagles and + hounds were kept, was a little farther off, drawing towards the park. + </p> + <p> + All the halls, chambers, and closets or cabinets were richly hung with + tapestry and hangings of divers sorts, according to the variety of the + seasons of the year. All the pavements and floors were covered with green + cloth. The beds were all embroidered. In every back-chamber or + withdrawing-room there was a looking-glass of pure crystal set in a frame + of fine gold, garnished all about with pearls, and was of such greatness + that it would represent to the full the whole lineaments and proportion of + the person that stood before it. At the going out of the halls which + belong to the ladies’ lodgings were the perfumers and trimmers + through whose hands the gallants passed when they were to visit the + ladies. Those sweet artificers did every morning furnish the ladies’ + chambers with the spirit of roses, orange-flower-water, and angelica; and + to each of them gave a little precious casket vapouring forth the most + odoriferous exhalations of the choicest aromatical scents. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0056" id="link2HCH0056"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.LVI.—How the men and women of the religious order of + Theleme were apparelled. + </h2> + <p> + The ladies at the foundation of this order were apparelled after their own + pleasure and liking; but, since that of their own accord and free will + they have reformed themselves, their accoutrement is in manner as + followeth. They wore stockings of scarlet crimson, or ingrained purple + dye, which reached just three inches above the knee, having a list + beautified with exquisite embroideries and rare incisions of the cutter’s + art. Their garters were of the colour of their bracelets, and circled the + knee a little both over and under. Their shoes, pumps, and slippers were + either of red, violet, or crimson-velvet, pinked and jagged like lobster + waddles. + </p> + <p> + Next to their smock they put on the pretty kirtle or vasquin of pure silk + camlet: above that went the taffety or tabby farthingale, of white, red, + tawny, grey, or of any other colour. Above this taffety petticoat they had + another of cloth of tissue or brocade, embroidered with fine gold and + interlaced with needlework, or as they thought good, and according to the + temperature and disposition of the weather had their upper coats of satin, + damask, or velvet, and those either orange, tawny, green, ash-coloured, + blue, yellow, bright red, crimson, or white, and so forth; or had them of + cloth of gold, cloth of silver, or some other choice stuff, enriched with + purl, or embroidered according to the dignity of the festival days and + times wherein they wore them. + </p> + <p> + Their gowns, being still correspondent to the season, were either of cloth + of gold frizzled with a silver-raised work; of red satin, covered with + gold purl; of tabby, or taffety, white, blue, black, tawny, &c., of + silk serge, silk camlet, velvet, cloth of silver, silver tissue, cloth of + gold, gold wire, figured velvet, or figured satin tinselled and overcast + with golden threads, in divers variously purfled draughts. + </p> + <p> + In the summer some days instead of gowns they wore light handsome mantles, + made either of the stuff of the aforesaid attire, or like Moresco rugs, of + violet velvet frizzled, with a raised work of gold upon silver purl, or + with a knotted cord-work of gold embroidery, everywhere garnished with + little Indian pearls. They always carried a fair panache, or plume of + feathers, of the colour of their muff, bravely adorned and tricked out + with glistering spangles of gold. In the winter time they had their + taffety gowns of all colours, as above-named, and those lined with the + rich furrings of hind-wolves, or speckled lynxes, black-spotted weasels, + martlet skins of Calabria, sables, and other costly furs of an inestimable + value. Their beads, rings, bracelets, collars, carcanets, and neck-chains + were all of precious stones, such as carbuncles, rubies, baleus, diamonds, + sapphires, emeralds, turquoises, garnets, agates, beryls, and excellent + margarites. Their head-dressing also varied with the season of the year, + according to which they decked themselves. In winter it was of the French + fashion; in the spring, of the Spanish; in summer, of the fashion of + Tuscany, except only upon the holy days and Sundays, at which times they + were accoutred in the French mode, because they accounted it more + honourable and better befitting the garb of a matronal pudicity. + </p> + <p> + The men were apparelled after their fashion. Their stockings were of + tamine or of cloth serge, of white, black, scarlet, or some other + ingrained colour. Their breeches were of velvet, of the same colour with + their stockings, or very near, embroidered and cut according to their + fancy. Their doublet was of cloth of gold, of cloth of silver, of velvet, + satin, damask, taffeties, &c., of the same colours, cut, embroidered, + and suitably trimmed up in perfection. The points were of silk of the same + colours; the tags were of gold well enamelled. Their coats and jerkins + were of cloth of gold, cloth of silver, gold, tissue or velvet + embroidered, as they thought fit. Their gowns were every whit as costly as + those of the ladies. Their girdles were of silks, of the colour of their + doublets. Every one had a gallant sword by his side, the hilt and handle + whereof were gilt, and the scabbard of velvet, of the colour of his + breeches, with a chape of gold, and pure goldsmith’s work. The + dagger was of the same. Their caps or bonnets were of black velvet, + adorned with jewels and buttons of gold. Upon that they wore a white + plume, most prettily and minion-like parted by so many rows of gold + spangles, at the end whereof hung dangling in a more sparkling + resplendency fair rubies, emeralds, diamonds, &c., but there was such + a sympathy betwixt the gallants and the ladies, that every day they were + apparelled in the same livery. And that they might not miss, there were + certain gentlemen appointed to tell the youths every morning what + vestments the ladies would on that day wear: for all was done according to + the pleasure of the ladies. In these so handsome clothes, and habiliments + so rich, think not that either one or other of either sex did waste any + time at all; for the masters of the wardrobes had all their raiments and + apparel so ready for every morning, and the chamber-ladies so well + skilled, that in a trice they would be dressed and completely in their + clothes from head to foot. And to have those accoutrements with the more + conveniency, there was about the wood of Theleme a row of houses of the + extent of half a league, very neat and cleanly, wherein dwelt the + goldsmiths, lapidaries, jewellers, embroiderers, tailors, gold-drawers, + velvet-weavers, tapestry-makers and upholsterers, who wrought there every + one in his own trade, and all for the aforesaid jolly friars and nuns of + the new stamp. They were furnished with matter and stuff from the hands of + the Lord Nausiclete, who every year brought them seven ships from the + Perlas and Cannibal Islands, laden with ingots of gold, with raw silk, + with pearls and precious stones. And if any margarites, called unions, + began to grow old and lose somewhat of their natural whiteness and lustre, + those with their art they did renew by tendering them to eat to some + pretty cocks, as they use to give casting unto hawks. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0057" id="link2HCH0057"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.LVII.—How the Thelemites were governed, and of their + manner of living. + </h2> + <p> + All their life was spent not in laws, statutes, or rules, but according to + their own free will and pleasure. They rose out of their beds when they + thought good; they did eat, drink, labour, sleep, when they had a mind to + it and were disposed for it. None did awake them, none did offer to + constrain them to eat, drink, nor to do any other thing; for so had + Gargantua established it. In all their rule and strictest tie of their + order there was but this one clause to be observed, + </p> + <p> + Do What Thou Wilt; + </p> + <p> + because men that are free, well-born, well-bred, and conversant in honest + companies, have naturally an instinct and spur that prompteth them unto + virtuous actions, and withdraws them from vice, which is called honour. + Those same men, when by base subjection and constraint they are brought + under and kept down, turn aside from that noble disposition by which they + formerly were inclined to virtue, to shake off and break that bond of + servitude wherein they are so tyrannously enslaved; for it is agreeable + with the nature of man to long after things forbidden and to desire what + is denied us. + </p> + <p> + By this liberty they entered into a very laudable emulation to do all of + them what they saw did please one. If any of the gallants or ladies should + say, Let us drink, they would all drink. If any one of them said, Let us + play, they all played. If one said, Let us go a-walking into the fields + they went all. If it were to go a-hawking or a-hunting, the ladies mounted + upon dainty well-paced nags, seated in a stately palfrey saddle, carried + on their lovely fists, miniardly begloved every one of them, either a + sparrowhawk or a laneret or a marlin, and the young gallants carried the + other kinds of hawks. So nobly were they taught, that there was neither he + nor she amongst them but could read, write, sing, play upon several + musical instruments, speak five or six several languages, and compose in + them all very quaintly, both in verse and prose. Never were seen so + valiant knights, so noble and worthy, so dexterous and skilful both on + foot and a-horse-back, more brisk and lively, more nimble and quick, or + better handling all manner of weapons than were there. Never were seen + ladies so proper and handsome, so miniard and dainty, less froward, or + more ready with their hand and with their needle in every honest and free + action belonging to that sex, than were there. For this reason, when the + time came that any man of the said abbey, either at the request of his + parents, or for some other cause, had a mind to go out of it, he carried + along with him one of the ladies, namely, her whom he had before that + chosen for his mistress, and (they) were married together. And if they had + formerly in Theleme lived in good devotion and amity, they did continue + therein and increase it to a greater height in their state of matrimony; + and did entertain that mutual love till the very last day of their life, + in no less vigour and fervency than at the very day of their wedding. Here + must not I forget to set down unto you a riddle which was found under the + ground as they were laying the foundation of the abbey, engraven in a + copper plate, and it was thus as followeth. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0058" id="link2HCH0058"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 1.LVIII.—A prophetical Riddle. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Poor mortals, who wait for a happy day, +Cheer up your hearts, and hear what I shall say: +If it be lawful firmly to believe +That the celestial bodies can us give +Wisdom to judge of things that are not yet; +Or if from heaven such wisdom we may get +As may with confidence make us discourse +Of years to come, their destiny and course; +I to my hearers give to understand +That this next winter, though it be at hand, +Yea and before, there shall appear a race +Of men who, loth to sit still in one place, +Shall boldly go before all people’s eyes, +Suborning men of divers qualities +To draw them unto covenants and sides, +In such a manner that, whate’er betides, +They’ll move you, if you give them ear, no doubt, +With both your friends and kindred to fall out. +They’ll make a vassal to gain-stand his lord, +And children their own parents; in a word, +All reverence shall then be banished, +No true respect to other shall be had. +They’ll say that every man should have his turn, +Both in his going forth and his return; +And hereupon there shall arise such woes, +Such jarrings, and confused to’s and fro’s, +That never were in history such coils +Set down as yet, such tumults and garboils. +Then shall you many gallant men see by +Valour stirr’d up, and youthful fervency, +Who, trusting too much in their hopeful time, +Live but a while, and perish in their prime. +Neither shall any, who this course shall run, +Leave off the race which he hath once begun, +Till they the heavens with noise by their contention +Have fill’d, and with their steps the earth’s dimension. +Then those shall have no less authority, +That have no faith, than those that will not lie; +For all shall be governed by a rude, +Base, ignorant, and foolish multitude; +The veriest lout of all shall be their judge, +O horrible and dangerous deluge! +Deluge I call it, and that for good reason, +For this shall be omitted in no season; +Nor shall the earth of this foul stir be free, +Till suddenly you in great store shall see +The waters issue out, with whose streams the +Most moderate of all shall moistened be, +And justly too; because they did not spare +The flocks of beasts that innocentest are, +But did their sinews and their bowels take, +Not to the gods a sacrifice to make, +But usually to serve themselves for sport: +And now consider, I do you exhort, +In such commotions so continual, +What rest can take the globe terrestrial? +Most happy then are they, that can it hold, +And use it carefully as precious gold, +By keeping it in gaol, whence it shall have +No help but him who being to it gave. +And to increase his mournful accident, +The sun, before it set in th’ occident, +Shall cease to dart upon it any light, +More than in an eclipse, or in the night,— +So that at once its favour shall be gone, +And liberty with it be left alone. +And yet, before it come to ruin thus, +Its quaking shall be as impetuous +As Aetna’s was when Titan’s sons lay under, +And yield, when lost, a fearful sound like thunder. +Inarime did not more quickly move, +When Typheus did the vast huge hills remove, +And for despite into the sea them threw. +Thus shall it then be lost by ways not few, +And changed suddenly, when those that have it +To other men that after come shall leave it. +Then shall it be high time to cease from this +So long, so great, so tedious exercise; +For the great waters told you now by me, +Will make each think where his retreat shall be; +And yet, before that they be clean disperst, +You may behold in th’ air, where nought was erst, +The burning heat of a great flame to rise, +Lick up the water, and the enterprise. +It resteth after those things to declare, +That those shall sit content who chosen are, +With all good things, and with celestial man (ne,) +And richly recompensed every man: +The others at the last all stripp’d shall be, +That after this great work all men may see, +How each shall have his due. This is their lot; +O he is worthy praise that shrinketh not! +</pre> + <p> + No sooner was this enigmatical monument read over, but Gargantua, fetching + a very deep sigh, said unto those that stood by, It is not now only, I + perceive, that people called to the faith of the gospel, and convinced + with the certainty of evangelical truths, are persecuted. But happy is + that man that shall not be scandalized, but shall always continue to the + end in aiming at that mark which God by his dear Son hath set before us, + without being distracted or diverted by his carnal affections and depraved + nature. + </p> + <p> + The monk then said, What do you think in your conscience is meant and + signified by this riddle? What? said Gargantua,—the progress and + carrying on of the divine truth. By St. Goderan, said the monk, that is + not my exposition. It is the style of the prophet Merlin. Make upon it as + many grave allegories and glosses as you will, and dote upon it you and + the rest of the world as long as you please; for my part, I can conceive + no other meaning in it but a description of a set at tennis in dark and + obscure terms. The suborners of men are the makers of matches, which are + commonly friends. After the two chases are made, he that was in the upper + end of the tennis-court goeth out, and the other cometh in. They believe + the first that saith the ball was over or under the line. The waters are + the heats that the players take till they sweat again. The cords of the + rackets are made of the guts of sheep or goats. The globe terrestrial is + the tennis-ball. After playing, when the game is done, they refresh + themselves before a clear fire, and change their shirts; and very + willingly they make all good cheer, but most merrily those that have + gained. And so, farewell! + </p> + <p> + End book 1 + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + THE SECOND BOOK. + </h1> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h3> + For the Reader. + </h3> + <p> + The Reader here may be pleased to take notice that the copy of verses by + the title of ‘Rablophila’, premised to the first book of this + translation, being but a kind of mock poem, in imitation of somewhat + lately published (as to any indifferent observer will easily appear, by + the false quantities in the Latin, the abusive strain of the English, and + extravagant subscription to both), and as such, by a friend of the + translator’s, at the desire of some frolic gentlemen of his + acquaintance, more for a trial of skill than prejudicacy to any, composed + in his jollity to please their fancies, was only ordained to be prefixed + to a dozen of books, and no more, thereby to save the labour of + transcribing so many as were requisite for satisfying the curiosity of a + company of just that number; and that, therefore, the charging of the + whole impression with it is merely to be imputed to the negligence of the + pressmen, who, receiving it about the latter end of the night, were so + eager before the next morning to afford complete books, that, as they + began, they went on, without animadverting what was recommended to their + discretion. This is hoped will suffice to assure the ingenuous Reader that + in no treatise of the translator’s, whether original or + translatitious, shall willingly be offered the meanest rub to the + reputation of any worthy gentleman, and that, however providence dispose + of him, no misfortune shall be able to induce his mind to any complacency + in the disparagement of another. + </p> + <p> + Again. + </p> + <p> + The Pentateuch of Rabelais mentioned in the title-page of the first book + of this translation being written originally in the French tongue (as it + comprehendeth some of its brusquest dialects), with so much ingeniosity + and wit, that more impressions have been sold thereof in that language + than of any other book that hath been set forth at any time within these + fifteen hundred years; so difficult nevertheless to be turned into any + other speech that many prime spirits in most of the nations of Europe, + since the year 1573, which was fourscore years ago, after having attempted + it, were constrained with no small regret to give it over as a thing + impossible to be done, is now in its translation thus far advanced, and + the remainder faithfully undertaken with the same hand to be rendered into + English by a person of quality, who (though his lands be sequestered, his + house garrisoned, his other goods sold, and himself detained a prisoner of + war at London, for his having been at Worcester fight) hath, at the most + earnest entreaty of some of his especial friends well acquainted with his + inclination to the performance of conducible singularities, promised, + besides his version of these two already published, very speedily to offer + up unto this Isle of Britain the virginity of the translation of the other + three most admirable books of the aforesaid author; provided that by the + plurality of judicious and understanding men it be not declared he hath + already proceeded too far, or that the continuation of the rigour whereby + he is dispossessed of all his both real and personal estate, by pressing + too hard upon him, be not an impediment thereto, and to other more eminent + undertakings of his, as hath been oftentimes very fully mentioned by the + said translator in several original treatises of his own penning, lately + by him so numerously dispersed that there is scarce any, who being skilful + in the English idiom, or curious of any new ingenious invention, hath not + either read them or heard of them. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Hugh Salel to Rabelais. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +If profit mixed with pleasure may suffice +T’ extol an author’s worth above the skies, +Thou certainly for both must praised be: +I know it; for thy judgment hath in the +Contexture of this book set down such high +Contentments, mingled with utility, +That (as I think) I see Democritus +Laughing at men as things ridiculous. +Insist in thy design; for, though we prove +Ungrate on earth, thy merit is above. +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /> + </p> + <h2> + The Author’s Prologue. + </h2> + <p> + Most illustrious and thrice valorous champions, gentlemen and others, who + willingly apply your minds to the entertainment of pretty conceits and + honest harmless knacks of wit; you have not long ago seen, read, and + understood the great and inestimable Chronicle of the huge and mighty + giant Gargantua, and, like upright faithfullists, have firmly believed all + to be true that is contained in them, and have very often passed your time + with them amongst honourable ladies and gentlewomen, telling them fair + long stories, when you were out of all other talk, for which you are + worthy of great praise and sempiternal memory. And I do heartily wish that + every man would lay aside his own business, meddle no more with his + profession nor trade, and throw all affairs concerning himself behind his + back, to attend this wholly, without distracting or troubling his mind + with anything else, until he have learned them without book; that if by + chance the art of printing should cease, or in case that in time to come + all books should perish, every man might truly teach them unto his + children, and deliver them over to his successors and survivors from hand + to hand as a religious cabal; for there is in it more profit than a rabble + of great pocky loggerheads are able to discern, who surely understand far + less in these little merriments than the fool Raclet did in the + Institutions of Justinian. + </p> + <p> + I have known great and mighty lords, and of those not a few, who, going + a-deer-hunting, or a-hawking after wild ducks, when the chase had not + encountered with the blinks that were cast in her way to retard her + course, or that the hawk did but plain and smoothly fly without moving her + wings, perceiving the prey by force of flight to have gained bounds of + her, have been much chafed and vexed, as you understand well enough; but + the comfort unto which they had refuge, and that they might not take cold, + was to relate the inestimable deeds of the said Gargantua. There are + others in the world—these are no flimflam stories, nor tales of a + tub—who, being much troubled with the toothache, after they had + spent their goods upon physicians without receiving at all any ease of + their pain, have found no more ready remedy than to put the said + Chronicles betwixt two pieces of linen cloth made somewhat hot, and so + apply them to the place that smarteth, sinapizing them with a little + powder of projection, otherwise called doribus. + </p> + <p> + But what shall I say of those poor men that are plagued with the pox and + the gout? O how often have we seen them, even immediately after they were + anointed and thoroughly greased, till their faces did glister like the + keyhole of a powdering tub, their teeth dance like the jacks of a pair of + little organs or virginals when they are played upon, and that they foamed + from their very throats like a boar which the mongrel mastiff-hounds have + driven in and overthrown amongst the toils,—what did they then? All + their consolation was to have some page of the said jolly book read unto + them. And we have seen those who have given themselves to a hundred + puncheons of old devils, in case that they did not feel a manifest ease + and assuagement of pain at the hearing of the said book read, even when + they were kept in a purgatory of torment; no more nor less than women in + travail use to find their sorrow abated when the life of St. Margaret is + read unto them. Is this nothing? Find me a book in any language, in any + faculty or science whatsoever, that hath such virtues, properties, and + prerogatives, and I will be content to pay you a quart of tripes. No, my + masters, no; it is peerless, incomparable, and not to be matched; and this + am I resolved for ever to maintain even unto the fire exclusive. And those + that will pertinaciously hold the contrary opinion, let them be accounted + abusers, predestinators, impostors, and seducers of the people. It is very + true that there are found in some gallant and stately books, worthy of + high estimation, certain occult and hid properties; in the number of which + are reckoned Whippot, Orlando Furioso, Robert the Devil, Fierabras, + William without Fear, Huon of Bordeaux, Monteville, and Matabrune: but + they are not comparable to that which we speak of, and the world hath well + known by infallible experience the great emolument and utility which it + hath received by this Gargantuine Chronicle, for the printers have sold + more of them in two months’ time than there will be bought of Bibles + in nine years. + </p> + <p> + I therefore, your humble slave, being very willing to increase your solace + and recreation yet a little more, do offer you for a present another book + of the same stamp, only that it is a little more reasonable and worthy of + credit than the other was. For think not, unless you wilfully will err + against your knowledge, that I speak of it as the Jews do of the Law. I + was not born under such a planet, neither did it ever befall me to lie, or + affirm a thing for true that was not. I speak of it like a lusty frolic + onocrotary (Onocratal is a bird not much unlike a swan, which sings like + an ass’s braying.), I should say crotenotary (Crotenotaire or + notaire crotte, croquenotaire or notaire croque are but allusions in + derision of protonotaire, which signifieth a pregnotary.) of the + martyrized lovers, and croquenotary of love. Quod vidimus, testamur. It is + of the horrible and dreadful feats and prowesses of Pantagruel, whose + menial servant I have been ever since I was a page, till this hour that by + his leave I am permitted to visit my cow-country, and to know if any of my + kindred there be alive. + </p> + <p> + And therefore, to make an end of this Prologue, even as I give myself to a + hundred panniersful of fair devils, body and soul, tripes and guts, in + case that I lie so much as one single word in this whole history; after + the like manner, St. Anthony’s fire burn you, Mahoom’s disease + whirl you, the squinance with a stitch in your side and the wolf in your + stomach truss you, the bloody flux seize upon you, the cursed sharp + inflammations of wild-fire, as slender and thin as cow’s hair + strengthened with quicksilver, enter into your fundament, and, like those + of Sodom and Gomorrah, may you fall into sulphur, fire, and bottomless + pits, in case you do not firmly believe all that I shall relate unto you + in this present Chronicle. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001_"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE SECOND BOOK. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0001" id="link22HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.I.—Of the original and antiquity of the great Pantagruel. + </h2> + <p> + It will not be an idle nor unprofitable thing, seeing we are at leisure, + to put you in mind of the fountain and original source whence is derived + unto us the good Pantagruel. For I see that all good historiographers have + thus handled their chronicles, not only the Arabians, Barbarians, and + Latins, but also the gentle Greeks, who were eternal drinkers. You must + therefore remark that at the beginning of the world—I speak of a + long time; it is above forty quarantains, or forty times forty nights, + according to the supputation of the ancient Druids—a little after + that Abel was killed by his brother Cain, the earth, imbrued with the + blood of the just, was one year so exceeding fertile in all those fruits + which it usually produceth to us, and especially in medlars, that ever + since throughout all ages it hath been called the year of the great + medlars; for three of them did fill a bushel. In it the kalends were found + by the Grecian almanacks. There was that year nothing of the month of + March in the time of Lent, and the middle of August was in May. In the + month of October, as I take it, or at least September, that I may not err, + for I will carefully take heed of that, was the week so famous in the + annals, which they call the week of the three Thursdays; for it had three + of them by means of their irregular leap-years, called Bissextiles, + occasioned by the sun’s having tripped and stumbled a little towards + the left hand, like a debtor afraid of sergeants, coming right upon him to + arrest him: and the moon varied from her course above five fathom, and + there was manifestly seen the motion of trepidation in the firmament of + the fixed stars, called Aplanes, so that the middle Pleiade, leaving her + fellows, declined towards the equinoctial, and the star named Spica left + the constellation of the Virgin to withdraw herself towards the Balance, + known by the name of Libra, which are cases very terrible, and matters so + hard and difficult that astrologians cannot set their teeth in them; and + indeed their teeth had been pretty long if they could have reached + thither. + </p> + <p> + However, account you it for a truth that everybody then did most heartily + eat of these medlars, for they were fair to the eye and in taste + delicious. But even as Noah, that holy man, to whom we are so much + beholding, bound, and obliged, for that he planted to us the vine, from + whence we have that nectarian, delicious, precious, heavenly, joyful, and + deific liquor which they call the piot or tiplage, was deceived in the + drinking of it, for he was ignorant of the great virtue and power thereof; + so likewise the men and women of that time did delight much in the eating + of that fair great fruit, but divers and very different accidents did + ensue thereupon; for there fell upon them all in their bodies a most + terrible swelling, but not upon all in the same place, for some were + swollen in the belly, and their belly strouted out big like a great tun, + of whom it is written, Ventrem omnipotentem, who were all very honest men, + and merry blades. And of this race came St. Fatgulch and Shrove Tuesday + (Pansart, Mardigras.). Others did swell at the shoulders, who in that + place were so crump and knobby that they were therefore called Montifers, + which is as much to say as Hill-carriers, of whom you see some yet in the + world, of divers sexes and degrees. Of this race came Aesop, some of whose + excellent words and deeds you have in writing. Some other puffs did swell + in length by the member which they call the labourer of nature, in such + sort that it grew marvellous long, fat, great, lusty, stirring, and + crest-risen, in the antique fashion, so that they made use of it as of a + girdle, winding it five or six times about their waist: but if it happened + the foresaid member to be in good case, spooming with a full sail bunt + fair before the wind, then to have seen those strouting champions, you + would have taken them for men that had their lances settled on their rest + to run at the ring or tilting whintam (quintain). Of these, believe me, + the race is utterly lost and quite extinct, as the women say; for they do + lament continually that there are none extant now of those great, &c. + You know the rest of the song. Others did grow in matter of ballocks so + enormously that three of them would well fill a sack able to contain five + quarters of wheat. From them are descended the ballocks of Lorraine, which + never dwell in codpieces, but fall down to the bottom of the breeches. + Others grew in the legs, and to see them you would have said they had been + cranes, or the reddish-long-billed-storklike-scrank-legged sea-fowls + called flamans, or else men walking upon stilts or scatches. The little + grammar-school boys, known by the name of Grimos, called those leg-grown + slangams Jambus, in allusion to the French word jambe, which signifieth a + leg. In others, their nose did grow so, that it seemed to be the beak of a + limbeck, in every part thereof most variously diapered with the twinkling + sparkles of crimson blisters budding forth, and purpled with pimples all + enamelled with thickset wheals of a sanguine colour, bordered with gules; + and such have you seen the Canon or Prebend Panzoult, and Woodenfoot, the + physician of Angiers. Of which race there were few that looked the + ptisane, but all of them were perfect lovers of the pure Septembral juice. + Naso and Ovid had their extraction from thence, and all those of whom it + is written, Ne reminiscaris. Others grew in ears, which they had so big + that out of one would have been stuff enough got to make a doublet, a pair + of breeches, and a jacket, whilst with the other they might have covered + themselves as with a Spanish cloak: and they say that in Bourbonnois this + race remaineth yet. Others grew in length of body, and of those came the + Giants, and of them Pantagruel. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +And the first was Chalbroth, +Who begat Sarabroth, +Who begat Faribroth, +Who begat Hurtali, that was a brave eater of pottage, and reigned +in the time of the flood; +Who begat Nembroth, +Who begat Atlas, that with his shoulders kept the sky from falling; +Who begat Goliah, +Who begat Erix, that invented the hocus pocus plays of legerdemain; +Who begat Titius, +Who begat Eryon, +Who begat Polyphemus, +Who begat Cacus, +Who begat Etion, the first man that ever had the pox, for not drinking +fresh in summer, as Bartachin witnesseth; +Who begat Enceladus, +Who begat Ceus, +Who begat Tiphaeus, +Who begat Alaeus, +Who begat Othus, +Who begat Aegeon, +Who begat Briareus, that had a hundred hands; +Who begat Porphyrio, +Who begat Adamastor, +Who begat Anteus, +Who begat Agatho, +Who begat Porus, against whom fought Alexander the Great; +Who begat Aranthas, +Who begat Gabbara, that was the first inventor of the drinking of +healths; +Who begat Goliah of Secondille, +Who begat Offot, that was terribly well nosed for drinking at the +barrel-head; +Who begat Artachaeus, +Who begat Oromedon, +Who begat Gemmagog, the first inventor of Poulan shoes, which are +open on the foot and tied over the instep with a lachet; +Who begat Sisyphus, +Who begat the Titans, of whom Hercules was born; +Who begat Enay, the most skilful man that ever was in matter of +taking the little worms (called cirons) out of the hands; +Who begat Fierabras, that was vanquished by Oliver, peer of France +and Roland’s comrade; +Who begat Morgan, the first in the world that played at dice with +spectacles; +Who begat Fracassus, of whom Merlin Coccaius hath written, and of +him was born Ferragus, +Who begat Hapmouche, the first that ever invented the drying of +neat’s tongues in the chimney; for, before that, people salted +them as they do now gammons of bacon; +Who begat Bolivorax, +Who begat Longis, +Who begat Gayoffo, whose ballocks were of poplar, and his pr... of +the service or sorb-apple-tree; +Who begat Maschefain, +Who begat Bruslefer, +Who begat Angoulevent, +Who begat Galehaut, the inventor of flagons; +Who begat Mirelangaut, +Who begat Gallaffre, +Who begat Falourdin, +Who begat Roboast, +Who begat Sortibrant of Conimbres, +Who begat Brushant of Mommiere, +Who begat Bruyer that was overcome by Ogier the Dane, peer of +France; +Who begat Mabrun, +Who begat Foutasnon, +Who begat Haquelebac, +Who begat Vitdegrain, +Who begat Grangousier, +Who begat Gargantua, +Who begat the noble Pantagruel, my master. +</pre> + <p> + I know that, reading this passage, you will make a doubt within + yourselves, and that grounded upon very good reason, which is this—how + it is possible that this relation can be true, seeing at the time of the + flood all the world was destroyed, except Noah and seven persons more with + him in the ark, into whose number Hurtali is not admitted. Doubtless the + demand is well made and very apparent, but the answer shall satisfy you, + or my wit is not rightly caulked. And because I was not at that time to + tell you anything of my own fancy, I will bring unto you the authority of + the Massorets, good honest fellows, true ballockeering blades and exact + Hebraical bagpipers, who affirm that verily the said Hurtali was not + within the ark of Noah, neither could he get in, for he was too big, but + he sat astride upon it, with one leg on the one side and another on the + other, as little children use to do upon their wooden horses; or as the + great bull of Berne, which was killed at Marinian, did ride for his + hackney the great murdering piece called the canon-pevier, a pretty beast + of a fair and pleasant amble without all question. + </p> + <p> + In that posture, he, after God, saved the said ark from danger, for with + his legs he gave it the brangle that was needful, and with his foot turned + it whither he pleased, as a ship answereth her rudder. Those that were + within sent him up victuals in abundance by a chimney, as people very + thankfully acknowledging the good that he did them. And sometimes they did + talk together as Icaromenippus did to Jupiter, according to the report of + Lucian. Have you understood all this well? Drink then one good draught + without water, for if you believe it not,—no truly do I not, quoth + she. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0002" id="link22HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.II.—Of the nativity of the most dread and redoubted + Pantagruel. + </h2> + <p> + Gargantua at the age of four hundred fourscore forty and four years begat + his son Pantagruel, upon his wife named Badebec, daughter to the king of + the Amaurots in Utopia, who died in childbirth; for he was so wonderfully + great and lumpish that he could not possibly come forth into the light of + the world without thus suffocating his mother. But that we may fully + understand the cause and reason of the name of Pantagruel which at his + baptism was given him, you are to remark that in that year there was so + great drought over all the country of Africa that there passed thirty and + six months, three weeks, four days, thirteen hours and a little more + without rain, but with a heat so vehement that the whole earth was parched + and withered by it. Neither was it more scorched and dried up with heat in + the days of Elijah than it was at that time; for there was not a tree to + be seen that had either leaf or bloom upon it. The grass was without + verdure or greenness, the rivers were drained, the fountains dried up, the + poor fishes, abandoned and forsaken by their proper element, wandering and + crying upon the ground most horribly. The birds did fall down from the air + for want of moisture and dew wherewith to refresh them. The wolves, foxes, + harts, wild boars, fallow deer, hares, coneys, weasels, brocks, badgers, + and other such beasts, were found dead in the fields with their mouths + open. In respect of men, there was the pity, you should have seen them lay + out their tongues like hares that have been run six hours. Many did throw + themselves into the wells. Others entered within a cow’s belly to be + in the shade; those Homer calls Alibants. All the country was idle, and + could do no virtue. It was a most lamentable case to have seen the labour + of mortals in defending themselves from the vehemency of this horrific + drought; for they had work enough to do to save the holy water in the + churches from being wasted; but there was such order taken by the counsel + of my lords the cardinals and of our holy Father, that none did dare to + take above one lick. Yet when anyone came into the church, you should have + seen above twenty poor thirsty fellows hang upon him that was the + distributor of the water, and that with a wide open throat, gaping for + some little drop, like the rich glutton in Luke, that might fall by, lest + anything should be lost. O how happy was he in that year who had a cool + cellar under ground, well plenished with fresh wine! + </p> + <p> + The philosopher reports, in moving the question, Wherefore it is that the + sea-water is salt, that at the time when Phoebus gave the government of + his resplendent chariot to his son Phaeton, the said Phaeton, unskilful in + the art, and not knowing how to keep the ecliptic line betwixt the two + tropics of the latitude of the sun’s course, strayed out of his way, + and came so near the earth that he dried up all the countries that were + under it, burning a great part of the heavens which the philosophers call + Via lactea, and the huffsnuffs St. James’s way; although the most + coped, lofty, and high-crested poets affirm that to be the place where + Juno’s milk fell when she gave suck to Hercules. The earth at that + time was so excessively heated that it fell into an enormous sweat, yea, + such a one as made it sweat out the sea, which is therefore salt, because + all sweat is salt; and this you cannot but confess to be true if you will + taste of your own, or of those that have the pox, when they are put into + sweating, it is all one to me. + </p> + <p> + Just such another case fell out this same year: for on a certain Friday, + when the whole people were bent upon their devotions, and had made goodly + processions, with store of litanies, and fair preachings, and beseechings + of God Almighty to look down with his eye of mercy upon their miserable + and disconsolate condition, there was even then visibly seen issue out of + the ground great drops of water, such as fall from a puff-bagged man in a + top sweat, and the poor hoidens began to rejoice as if it had been a thing + very profitable unto them; for some said that there was not one drop of + moisture in the air whence they might have any rain, and that the earth + did supply the default of that. Other learned men said that it was a + shower of the antipodes, as Seneca saith in his fourth book Quaestionum + naturalium, speaking of the source and spring of Nilus. But they were + deceived, for, the procession being ended, when everyone went about to + gather of this dew, and to drink of it with full bowls, they found that it + was nothing but pickle and the very brine of salt, more brackish in taste + than the saltest water of the sea. And because in that very day Pantagruel + was born, his father gave him that name; for Panta in Greek is as much to + say as all, and Gruel in the Hagarene language doth signify thirsty, + inferring hereby that at his birth the whole world was a-dry and thirsty, + as likewise foreseeing that he would be some day supreme lord and + sovereign of the thirsty Ethrappels, which was shown to him at that very + same hour by a more evident sign. For when his mother Badebec was in the + bringing of him forth, and that the midwives did wait to receive him, + there came first out of her belly three score and eight tregeneers, that + is, salt-sellers, every one of them leading in a halter a mule heavy laden + with salt; after whom issued forth nine dromedaries, with great loads of + gammons of bacon and dried neat’s tongues on their backs. Then + followed seven camels loaded with links and chitterlings, hogs’ + puddings, and sausages. After them came out five great wains, full of + leeks, garlic, onions, and chibots, drawn with five-and-thirty strong + cart-horses, which was six for every one, besides the thiller. At the + sight hereof the said midwives were much amazed, yet some of them said, + Lo, here is good provision, and indeed we need it; for we drink but + lazily, as if our tongues walked on crutches, and not lustily like Lansman + Dutches. Truly this is a good sign; there is nothing here but what is fit + for us; these are the spurs of wine, that set it a-going. As they were + tattling thus together after their own manner of chat, behold! out comes + Pantagruel all hairy like a bear, whereupon one of them, inspired with a + prophetical spirit, said, This will be a terrible fellow; he is born with + all his hair; he is undoubtedly to do wonderful things, and if he live he + shall have age. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0003" id="link22HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.III.—Of the grief wherewith Gargantua was moved at the + decease of his wife Badebec. + </h2> + <p> + When Pantagruel was born, there was none more astonished and perplexed + than was his father Gargantua; for of the one side seeing his wife Badebec + dead, and on the other side his son Pantagruel born, so fair and so great, + he knew not what to say nor what to do. And the doubt that troubled his + brain was to know whether he should cry for the death of his wife or laugh + for the joy of his son. He was hinc inde choked with sophistical + arguments, for he framed them very well in modo et figura, but he could + not resolve them, remaining pestered and entangled by this means, like a + mouse caught in a trap or kite snared in a gin. Shall I weep? said he. + Yes, for why? My so good wife is dead, who was the most this, the most + that, that ever was in the world. Never shall I see her, never shall I + recover such another; it is unto me an inestimable loss! O my good God, + what had I done that thou shouldest thus punish me? Why didst thou not + take me away before her, seeing for me to live without her is but to + languish? Ah, Badebec, Badebec, my minion, my dear heart, my sugar, my + sweeting, my honey, my little c— (yet it had in circumference full + six acres, three rods, five poles, four yards, two foot, one inch and a + half of good woodland measure), my tender peggy, my codpiece darling, my + bob and hit, my slipshoe-lovey, never shall I see thee! Ah, poor + Pantagruel, thou hast lost thy good mother, thy sweet nurse, thy + well-beloved lady! O false death, how injurious and despiteful hast thou + been to me! How malicious and outrageous have I found thee in taking her + from me, my well-beloved wife, to whom immortality did of right belong! + </p> + <p> + With these words he did cry like a cow, but on a sudden fell a-laughing + like a calf, when Pantagruel came into his mind. Ha, my little son, said + he, my childilolly, fedlifondy, dandlichucky, my ballocky, my pretty + rogue! O how jolly thou art, and how much am I bound to my gracious God, + that hath been pleased to bestow on me a son so fair, so spriteful, so + lively, so smiling, so pleasant, and so gentle! Ho, ho, ho, ho, how glad I + am! Let us drink, ho, and put away melancholy! Bring of the best, rinse + the glasses, lay the cloth, drive out these dogs, blow this fire, light + candles, shut that door there, cut this bread in sippets for brewis, send + away these poor folks in giving them what they ask, hold my gown. I will + strip myself into my doublet (en cuerpo), to make the gossips merry, and + keep them company. + </p> + <p> + As he spake this, he heard the litanies and the mementos of the priests + that carried his wife to be buried, upon which he left the good purpose he + was in, and was suddenly ravished another way, saying, Lord God! must I + again contrist myself? This grieves me. I am no longer young, I grow old, + the weather is dangerous; I may perhaps take an ague, then shall I be + foiled, if not quite undone. By the faith of a gentleman, it were better + to cry less, and drink more. My wife is dead, well, by G—! (da + jurandi) I shall not raise her again by my crying: she is well, she is in + paradise at least, if she be no higher: she prayeth to God for us, she is + happy, she is above the sense of our miseries, nor can our calamities + reach her. What though she be dead, must not we also die? The same debt + which she hath paid hangs over our heads; nature will require it of us, + and we must all of us some day taste of the same sauce. Let her pass then, + and the Lord preserve the survivors; for I must now cast about how to get + another wife. But I will tell you what you shall do, said he to the + midwives, in France called wise women (where be they, good folks? I cannot + see them): Go you to my wife’s interment, and I will the while rock + my son; for I find myself somewhat altered and distempered, and should + otherwise be in danger of falling sick; but drink one good draught first, + you will be the better for it. And believe me, upon mine honour, they at + his request went to her burial and funeral obsequies. In the meanwhile, + poor Gargantua staying at home, and willing to have somewhat in + remembrance of her to be engraven upon her tomb, made this epitaph in the + manner as followeth. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Dead is the noble Badebec, +Who had a face like a rebeck; +A Spanish body, and a belly +Of Switzerland; she died, I tell ye, +In childbirth. Pray to God, that her +He pardon wherein she did err. +Here lies her body, which did live +Free from all vice, as I believe, +And did decease at my bedside, +The year and day in which she died. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0004" id="link22HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.IV.—Of the infancy of Pantagruel. + </h2> + <p> + I find by the ancient historiographers and poets that divers have been + born in this world after very strange manners, which would be too long to + repeat; read therefore the seventh chapter of Pliny, if you have so much + leisure. Yet have you never heard of any so wonderful as that of + Pantagruel; for it is a very difficult matter to believe, how in the + little time he was in his mother’s belly he grew both in body and + strength. That which Hercules did was nothing, when in his cradle he slew + two serpents, for those serpents were but little and weak, but Pantagruel, + being yet in the cradle, did far more admirable things, and more to be + amazed at. I pass by here the relation of how at every one of his meals he + supped up the milk of four thousand and six hundred cows, and how, to make + him a skillet to boil his milk in, there were set a-work all the braziers + of Somure in Anjou, of Villedieu in Normandy, and of Bramont in Lorraine. + And they served in this whitepot-meat to him in a huge great bell, which + is yet to be seen in the city of Bourges in Berry, near the palace, but + his teeth were already so well grown, and so strengthened with vigour, + that of the said bell he bit off a great morsel, as very plainly doth + appear till this hour. + </p> + <p> + One day in the morning, when they would have made him suck one of his cows + —for he never had any other nurse, as the history tells us—he + got one of his arms loose from the swaddling bands wherewith he was kept + fast in the cradle, laid hold on the said cow under the left foreham, and + grasping her to him ate up her udder and half of her paunch, with the + liver and the kidneys, and had devoured all up if she had not cried out + most horribly, as if the wolves had held her by the legs, at which noise + company came in and took away the said cow from Pantagruel. Yet could they + not so well do it but that the quarter whereby he caught her was left in + his hand, of which quarter he gulped up the flesh in a trice, even with as + much ease as you would eat a sausage, and that so greedily with desire of + more, that, when they would have taken away the bone from him, he + swallowed it down whole, as a cormorant would do a little fish; and + afterwards began fumblingly to say, Good, good, good—for he could + not yet speak plain—giving them to understand thereby that he had + found it very good, and that he did lack but so much more. Which when they + saw that attended him, they bound him with great cable-ropes, like those + that are made at Tain for the carriage of salt to Lyons, or such as those + are whereby the great French ship rides at anchor in the road of Newhaven + in Normandy. But, on a certain time, a great bear, which his father had + bred, got loose, came towards him, began to lick his face, for his nurses + had not thoroughly wiped his chaps, at which unexpected approach being on + a sudden offended, he as lightly rid himself of those great cables as + Samson did of the hawser ropes wherewith the Philistines had tied him, + and, by your leave, takes me up my lord the bear, and tears him to you in + pieces like a pullet, which served him for a gorgeful or good warm bit for + that meal. + </p> + <p> + Whereupon Gargantua, fearing lest the child should hurt himself, caused + four great chains of iron to be made to bind him, and so many strong + wooden arches unto his cradle, most firmly stocked and morticed in huge + frames. Of those chains you have one at Rochelle, which they draw up at + night betwixt the two great towers of the haven. Another is at Lyons,—a + third at Angiers,—and the fourth was carried away by the devils to + bind Lucifer, who broke his chains in those days by reason of a colic that + did extraordinarily torment him, taken with eating a sergeant’s soul + fried for his breakfast. And therefore you may believe that which Nicholas + de Lyra saith upon that place of the Psalter where it is written, Et Og + Regem Basan, that the said Og, being yet little, was so strong and + robustious, that they were fain to bind him with chains of iron in his + cradle. Thus continued Pantagruel for a while very calm and quiet, for he + was not able so easily to break those chains, especially having no room in + the cradle to give a swing with his arms. But see what happened once upon + a great holiday that his father Gargantua made a sumptuous banquet to all + the princes of his court. I am apt to believe that the menial officers of + the house were so embusied in waiting each on his proper service at the + feast, that nobody took care of poor Pantagruel, who was left a reculorum, + behindhand, all alone, and as forsaken. What did he? Hark what he did, + good people. He strove and essayed to break the chains of the cradle with + his arms, but could not, for they were too strong for him. Then did he + keep with his feet such a stamping stir, and so long, that at last he beat + out the lower end of his cradle, which notwithstanding was made of a great + post five foot in square; and as soon as he had gotten out his feet, he + slid down as well as he could till he had got his soles to the ground, and + then with a mighty force he rose up, carrying his cradle upon his back, + bound to him like a tortoise that crawls up against a wall; and to have + seen him, you would have thought it had been a great carrick of five + hundred tons upon one end. In this manner he entered into the great hall + where they were banqueting, and that very boldly, which did much affright + the company; yet, because his arms were tied in, he could not reach + anything to eat, but with great pain stooped now and then a little to take + with the whole flat of his tongue some lick, good bit, or morsel. Which + when his father saw, he knew well enough that they had left him without + giving him anything to eat, and therefore commanded that he should be + loosed from the said chains, by the counsel of the princes and lords there + present. Besides that also the physicians of Gargantua said that, if they + did thus keep him in the cradle, he would be all his lifetime subject to + the stone. When he was unchained, they made him to sit down, where, after + he had fed very well, he took his cradle and broke it into more than five + hundred thousand pieces with one blow of his fist that he struck in the + midst of it, swearing that he would never come into it again. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0005" id="link22HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.V.—Of the acts of the noble Pantagruel in his youthful + age. + </h2> + <p> + Thus grew Pantagruel from day to day, and to everyone’s eye waxed + more and more in all his dimensions, which made his father to rejoice by a + natural affection. Therefore caused he to be made for him, whilst he was + yet little, a pretty crossbow wherewith to shoot at small birds, which now + they call the great crossbow at Chantelle. Then he sent him to the school + to learn, and to spend his youth in virtue. In the prosecution of which + design he came first to Poictiers, where, as he studied and profited very + much, he saw that the scholars were oftentimes at leisure and knew not how + to bestow their time, which moved him to take such compassion on them, + that one day he took from a long ledge of rocks, called there + Passelourdin, a huge great stone, of about twelve fathom square and + fourteen handfuls thick, and with great ease set it upon four pillars in + the midst of a field, to no other end but that the said scholars, when + they had nothing else to do, might pass their time in getting up on that + stone, and feast it with store of gammons, pasties, and flagons, and carve + their names upon it with a knife, in token of which deed till this hour + the stone is called the lifted stone. And in remembrance hereof there is + none entered into the register and matricular book of the said university, + or accounted capable of taking any degree therein, till he have first + drunk in the caballine fountain of Croustelles, passed at Passelourdin, + and got up upon the lifted stone. + </p> + <p> + Afterwards, reading the delectable chronicles of his ancestors, he found + that Geoffrey of Lusignan, called Geoffrey with the great tooth, + grandfather to the cousin-in-law of the eldest sister of the aunt of the + son-in-law of the uncle of the good daughter of his stepmother, was + interred at Maillezais; therefore one day he took campos (which is a + little vacation from study to play a while), that he might give him a + visit as unto an honest man. And going from Poictiers with some of his + companions, they passed by the Guge (Leguge), visiting the noble Abbot + Ardillon; then by Lusignan, by Sansay, by Celles, by Coolonges, by + Fontenay-le-Comte, saluting the learned Tiraqueau, and from thence arrived + at Maillezais, where he went to see the sepulchre of the said Geoffrey + with the great tooth; which made him somewhat afraid, looking upon the + picture, whose lively draughts did set him forth in the representation of + a man in an extreme fury, drawing his great Malchus falchion half way out + of his scabbard. When the reason hereof was demanded, the canons of the + said place told him that there was no other cause of it but that + Pictoribus atque Poetis, &c., that is to say, that painters and poets + have liberty to paint and devise what they list after their own fancy. But + he was not satisfied with their answer, and said, He is not thus painted + without a cause, and I suspect that at his death there was some wrong done + him, whereof he requireth his kindred to take revenge. I will inquire + further into it, and then do what shall be reasonable. Then he returned + not to Poictiers, but would take a view of the other universities of + France. Therefore, going to Rochelle, he took shipping and arrived at + Bordeaux, where he found no great exercise, only now and then he would see + some mariners and lightermen a-wrestling on the quay or strand by the + river-side. From thence he came to Toulouse, where he learned to dance + very well, and to play with the two-handed sword, as the fashion of the + scholars of the said university is to bestir themselves in games whereof + they may have their hands full; but he stayed not long there when he saw + that they did cause burn their regents alive like red herring, saying, Now + God forbid that I should die this death! for I am by nature sufficiently + dry already, without heating myself any further. + </p> + <p> + He went then to Montpellier, where he met with the good wives of Mirevaux, + and good jovial company withal, and thought to have set himself to the + study of physic; but he considered that that calling was too troublesome + and melancholic, and that physicians did smell of glisters like old + devils. Therefore he resolved he would study the laws; but seeing that + there were but three scald- and one bald-pated legist in that place, he + departed from thence, and in his way made the bridge of Guard and the + amphitheatre of Nimes in less than three hours, which, nevertheless, seems + to be a more divine than human work. After that he came to Avignon, where + he was not above three days before he fell in love; for the women there + take great delight in playing at the close-buttock game, because it is + papal ground. Which his tutor and pedagogue Epistemon perceiving, he drew + him out of that place, and brought him to Valence in the Dauphiny, where + he saw no great matter of recreation, only that the lubbers of the town + did beat the scholars, which so incensed him with anger, that when, upon a + certain very fair Sunday, the people being at their public dancing in the + streets, and one of the scholars offering to put himself into the ring to + partake of that sport, the foresaid lubberly fellows would not permit him + the admittance into their society, he, taking the scholar’s part, so + belaboured them with blows, and laid such load upon them, that he drove + them all before him, even to the brink of the river Rhone, and would have + there drowned them, but that they did squat to the ground, and there lay + close a full half-league under the river. The hole is to be seen there + yet. + </p> + <p> + After that he departed from thence, and in three strides and one leap came + to Angiers, where he found himself very well, and would have continued + there some space, but that the plague drove them away. So from thence he + came to Bourges, where he studied a good long time, and profited very much + in the faculty of the laws, and would sometimes say that the books of the + civil law were like unto a wonderfully precious, royal, and triumphant + robe of cloth of gold edged with dirt; for in the world are no goodlier + books to be seen, more ornate, nor more eloquent than the texts of the + Pandects, but the bordering of them, that is to say, the gloss of + Accursius, is so scurvy, vile, base, and unsavoury, that it is nothing but + filthiness and villainy. + </p> + <p> + Going from Bourges, he came to Orleans, where he found store of swaggering + scholars that made him great entertainment at his coming, and with whom he + learned to play at tennis so well that he was a master at that game. For + the students of the said place make a prime exercise of it; and sometimes + they carried him unto Cupid’s houses of commerce (in that city + termed islands, because of their being most ordinarily environed with + other houses, and not contiguous to any), there to recreate his person at + the sport of poussavant, which the wenches of London call the ferkers in + and in. As for breaking his head with over-much study, he had an especial + care not to do it in any case, for fear of spoiling his eyes. Which he the + rather observed, for that it was told him by one of his teachers, there + called regents, that the pain of the eyes was the most hurtful thing of + any to the sight. For this cause, when he one day was made a licentiate, + or graduate in law, one of the scholars of his acquaintance, who of + learning had not much more than his burden, though instead of that he + could dance very well and play at tennis, made the blazon and device of + the licentiates in the said university, saying, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +So you have in your hand a racket, +A tennis-ball in your cod-placket, +A Pandect law in your cap’s tippet, +And that you have the skill to trip it +In a low dance, you will b’ allowed +The grant of the licentiate’s hood. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0006" id="link22HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.VI.—How Pantagruel met with a Limousin, who too affectedly + did counterfeit the French language. + </h2> + <p> + Upon a certain day, I know not when, Pantagruel walking after supper with + some of his fellow-students without that gate of the city through which we + enter on the road to Paris, encountered with a young spruce-like scholar + that was coming upon the same very way, and, after they had saluted one + another, asked him thus, My friend, from whence comest thou now? The + scholar answered him, From the alme, inclyte, and celebrate academy, which + is vocitated Lutetia. What is the meaning of this? said Pantagruel to one + of his men. It is, answered he, from Paris. Thou comest from Paris then, + said Pantagruel; and how do you spend your time there, you my masters the + students of Paris? The scholar answered, We transfretate the Sequan at the + dilucul and crepuscul; we deambulate by the compites and quadrives of the + urb; we despumate the Latial verbocination; and, like verisimilary + amorabons, we captat the benevolence of the omnijugal, omniform and + omnigenal feminine sex. Upon certain diecules we invisat the lupanares, + and in a venerian ecstasy inculcate our veretres into the penitissime + recesses of the pudends of these amicabilissim meretricules. Then do we + cauponisate in the meritory taberns of the Pineapple, the Castle, the + Magdalene, and the Mule, goodly vervecine spatules perforaminated with + petrocile. And if by fortune there be rarity or penury of pecune in our + marsupies, and that they be exhausted of ferruginean metal, for the shot + we dimit our codices and oppignerat our vestments, whilst we prestolate + the coming of the tabellaries from the Penates and patriotic Lares. To + which Pantagruel answered, What devilish language is this? By the Lord, I + think thou art some kind of heretick. My lord, no, said the scholar; for + libentissimally, as soon as it illucesceth any minutule slice of the day, + I demigrate into one of these so well architected minsters, and there, + irrorating myself with fair lustral water, I mumble off little parcels of + some missic precation of our sacrificuls, and, submurmurating my horary + precules, I elevate and absterge my anime from its nocturnal inquinations. + I revere the Olympicols. I latrially venere the supernal Astripotent. I + dilige and redame my proxims. I observe the decalogical precepts, and, + according to the facultatule of my vires, I do not discede from them one + late unguicule. Nevertheless, it is veriform, that because Mammona doth + not supergurgitate anything in my loculs, that I am somewhat rare and lent + to supererogate the elemosynes to those egents that hostially queritate + their stipe. + </p> + <p> + Prut, tut, said Pantagruel, what doth this fool mean to say? I think he is + upon the forging of some diabolical tongue, and that enchanter-like he + would charm us. To whom one of his men said, Without doubt, sir, this + fellow would counterfeit the language of the Parisians, but he doth only + flay the Latin, imagining by so doing that he doth highly Pindarize it in + most eloquent terms, and strongly conceiteth himself to be therefore a + great orator in the French, because he disdaineth the common manner of + speaking. To which Pantagruel said, Is it true? The scholar answered, My + worshipful lord, my genie is not apt nate to that which this flagitious + nebulon saith, to excoriate the cut(ic)ule of our vernacular Gallic, but + vice-versally I gnave opere, and by veles and rames enite to locupletate + it with the Latinicome redundance. By G—, said Pantagruel, I will + teach you to speak. But first come hither, and tell me whence thou art. To + this the scholar answered, The primeval origin of my aves and ataves was + indigenary of the Lemovic regions, where requiesceth the corpor of the + hagiotat St. Martial. I understand thee very well, said Pantagruel. When + all comes to all, thou art a Limousin, and thou wilt here by thy affected + speech counterfeit the Parisians. Well now, come hither, I must show thee + a new trick, and handsomely give thee the combfeat. With this he took him + by the throat, saying to him, Thou flayest the Latin; by St. John, I will + make thee flay the fox, for I will now flay thee alive. Then began the + poor Limousin to cry, Haw, gwid maaster! haw, Laord, my halp, and St. + Marshaw! haw, I’m worried. Haw, my thropple, the bean of my cragg is + bruck! Haw, for gauad’s seck lawt my lean, mawster; waw, waw, waw. + Now, said Pantagruel, thou speakest naturally, and so let him go, for the + poor Limousin had totally bewrayed and thoroughly conshit his breeches, + which were not deep and large enough, but round straight cannioned gregs, + having in the seat a piece like a keeling’s tail, and therefore in + French called, de chausses a queue de merlus. Then, said Pantagruel, St. + Alipantin, what civet? Fie! to the devil with this turnip-eater, as he + stinks! and so let him go. But this hug of Pantagruel’s was such a + terror to him all the days of his life, and took such deep impression in + his fancy, that very often, distracted with sudden affrightments, he would + startle and say that Pantagruel held him by the neck. Besides that, it + procured him a continual drought and desire to drink, so that after some + few years he died of the death Roland, in plain English called thirst, a + work of divine vengeance, showing us that which saith the philosopher and + Aulus Gellius, that it becometh us to speak according to the common + language; and that we should, as said Octavian Augustus, strive to shun + all strange and unknown terms with as much heedfulness and circumspection + as pilots of ships use to avoid the rocks and banks in the sea. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0007" id="link22HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.VII.—How Pantagruel came to Paris, and of the choice books + of the Library of St. Victor. + </h2> + <p> + After that Pantagruel had studied very well at Orleans, he resolved to see + the great University at Paris; but, before his departure, he was informed + that there was a huge big bell at St. Anian in the said town of Orleans, + under the ground, which had been there above two hundred and fourteen + years, for it was so great that they could not by any device get it so + much as above the ground, although they used all the means that are found + in Vitruvius de Architectura, Albertus de Re Aedificatoria, Euclid, Theon, + Archimedes, and Hero de Ingeniis; for all that was to no purpose. + Wherefore, condescending heartily to the humble request of the citizens + and inhabitants of the said town, he determined to remove it to the tower + that was erected for it. With that he came to the place where it was, and + lifted it out of the ground with his little finger as easily as you would + have done a hawk’s bell or bellwether’s tingle-tangle; but, + before he would carry it to the foresaid tower or steeple appointed for + it, he would needs make some music with it about the town, and ring it + alongst all the streets as he carried it in his hand, wherewith all the + people were very glad. But there happened one great inconveniency, for + with carrying it so, and ringing it about the streets, all the good + Orleans wine turned instantly, waxed flat and was spoiled, which nobody + there did perceive till the night following; for every man found himself + so altered and a-dry with drinking these flat wines, that they did nothing + but spit, and that as white as Malta cotton, saying, We have of the + Pantagruel, and our very throats are salted. This done, he came to Paris + with his retinue. And at his entry everyone came out to see him—as + you know well enough that the people of Paris is sottish by nature, by B + flat and B sharp—and beheld him with great astonishment, mixed with + no less fear that he would carry away the palace into some other country, + a remotis, and far from them, as his father formerly had done the great + peal of bells at Our Lady’s Church to tie about his mare’s + neck. Now after he had stayed there a pretty space, and studied very well + in all the seven liberal arts, he said it was a good town to live in, but + not to die; for that the grave-digging rogues of St. Innocent used in + frosty nights to warm their bums with dead men’s bones. In his abode + there he found the library of St. Victor a very stately and magnific one, + especially in some books which were there, of which followeth the + Repertory and Catalogue, Et primo, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +The for Godsake of Salvation. +The Codpiece of the Law. +The Slipshoe of the Decretals. +The Pomegranate of Vice. +The Clew-bottom of Theology. +The Duster or Foxtail-flap of Preachers, composed by Turlupin. +The Churning Ballock of the Valiant. +The Henbane of the Bishops. +Marmotretus de baboonis et apis, cum Commento Dorbellis. +Decretum Universitatis Parisiensis super gorgiasitate muliercularum +ad placitum. +The Apparition of Sancte Geltrude to a Nun of Poissy, being in +travail at the bringing forth of a child. +Ars honeste fartandi in societate, per Marcum Corvinum (Ortuinum). +The Mustard-pot of Penance. +The Gamashes, alias the Boots of Patience. +Formicarium artium. +De brodiorum usu, et honestate quartandi, per Sylvestrem Prioratem +Jacobinum. +The Cosened or Gulled in Court. +The Frail of the Scriveners. +The Marriage-packet. +The Cruizy or Crucible of Contemplation. +The Flimflams of the Law. +The Prickle of Wine. +The Spur of Cheese. +Ruboffatorium (Decrotatorium) scholarium. +Tartaretus de modo cacandi. +The Bravades of Rome. +Bricot de Differentiis Browsarum. +The Tailpiece-Cushion, or Close-breech of Discipline. +The Cobbled Shoe of Humility. +The Trivet of good Thoughts. +The Kettle of Magnanimity. +The Cavilling Entanglements of Confessors. +The Snatchfare of the Curates. +Reverendi patris fratris Lubini, provincialis Bavardiae, de gulpendis +lardslicionibus libri tres. +Pasquilli Doctoris Marmorei, de capreolis cum artichoketa comedendis, +tempore Papali ab Ecclesia interdicto. +The Invention of the Holy Cross, personated by six wily Priests. +The Spectacles of Pilgrims bound for Rome. +Majoris de modo faciendi puddinos. +The Bagpipe of the Prelates. +Beda de optimitate triparum. +The Complaint of the Barristers upon the Reformation of Comfits. +The Furred Cat of the Solicitors and Attorneys. +Of Peas and Bacon, cum Commento. +The Small Vales or Drinking Money of the Indulgences. +Praeclarissimi juris utriusque Doctoris Maistre Pilloti, &c., +Scrap-farthingi de botchandis glossae Accursianae Triflis repetitio +enucidi-luculidissima. +Stratagemata Francharchiaeri de Baniolet. +Carlbumpkinus de Re Militari cum Figuris Tevoti. +De usu et utilitate flayandi equos et equas, authore Magistro nostro +de Quebecu. +The Sauciness of Country-Stewards. +M.N. Rostocostojambedanesse de mustarda post prandium servienda, +libri quatuordecim, apostillati per M. Vaurillonis. +The Covillage or Wench-tribute of Promoters. +(Jabolenus de Cosmographia Purgatorii.) +Quaestio subtilissima, utrum Chimaera in vacuo bonbinans possit +comedere secundas intentiones; et fuit debatuta per decem +hebdomadas in Consilio Constantiensi. +The Bridle-champer of the Advocates. +Smutchudlamenta Scoti. +The Rasping and Hard-scraping of the Cardinals. +De calcaribus removendis, Decades undecim, per M. Albericum de Rosata. +Ejusdem de castramentandis criminibus libri tres. +The Entrance of Anthony de Leve into the Territories of Brazil. +(Marforii, bacalarii cubantis Romae) de peelandis aut unskinnandis +blurrandisque Cardinalium mulis. +The said Author’s Apology against those who allege that the Pope’s +mule doth eat but at set times. +Prognosticatio quae incipit, Silvii Triquebille, balata per M.N., the +deep-dreaming gull Sion. +Boudarini Episcopi de emulgentiarum profectibus Aeneades novem, +cum privilegio Papali ad triennium et postea non. +The Shitabranna of the Maids. +The Bald Arse or Peeled Breech of the Widows. +The Cowl or Capouch of the Monks. +The Mumbling Devotion of the Celestine Friars. +The Passage-toll of Beggarliness. +The Teeth-chatter or Gum-didder of Lubberly Lusks. +The Paring-shovel of the Theologues. +The Drench-horn of the Masters of Arts. +The Scullions of Olcam, the uninitiated Clerk. +Magistri N. Lickdishetis, de garbellisiftationibus horarum canonicarum, +libri quadriginta. +Arsiversitatorium confratriarum, incerto authore. +The Gulsgoatony or Rasher of Cormorants and Ravenous Feeders. +The Rammishness of the Spaniards supergivuregondigaded by Friar Inigo. +The Muttering of Pitiful Wretches. +Dastardismus rerum Italicarum, authore Magistro Burnegad. +R. Lullius de Batisfolagiis Principum. +Calibistratorium caffardiae, authore M. Jacobo Hocstraten hereticometra. +Codtickler de Magistro nostrandorum Magistro nostratorumque beuvetis, +libri octo galantissimi. +The Crackarades of Balists or stone-throwing Engines, Contrepate +Clerks, Scriveners, Brief-writers, Rapporters, and Papal +Bull-despatchers lately compiled by Regis. +A perpetual Almanack for those that have the gout and the pox. +Manera sweepandi fornacellos per Mag. Eccium. +The Shable or Scimetar of Merchants. +The Pleasures of the Monachal Life. +The Hotchpot of Hypocrites. +The History of the Hobgoblins. +The Ragamuffinism of the pensionary maimed Soldiers. +The Gulling Fibs and Counterfeit shows of Commissaries. +The Litter of Treasurers. +The Juglingatorium of Sophisters. +Antipericatametanaparbeugedamphicribrationes Toordicantium. +The Periwinkle of Ballad-makers. +The Push-forward of the Alchemists. +The Niddy-noddy of the Satchel-loaded Seekers, by Friar Bindfastatis. +The Shackles of Religion. +The Racket of Swag-waggers. +The Leaning-stock of old Age. +The Muzzle of Nobility. +The Ape’s Paternoster. +The Crickets and Hawk’s-bells of Devotion. +The Pot of the Ember-weeks. +The Mortar of the Politic Life. +The Flap of the Hermits. +The Riding-hood or Monterg of the Penitentiaries. +The Trictrac of the Knocking Friars. +Blockheadodus, de vita et honestate bragadochiorum. +Lyrippii Sorbonici Moralisationes, per M. Lupoldum. +The Carrier-horse-bells of Travellers. +The Bibbings of the tippling Bishops. +Dolloporediones Doctorum Coloniensium adversus Reuclin. +The Cymbals of Ladies. +The Dunger’s Martingale. +Whirlingfriskorum Chasemarkerorum per Fratrem Crackwoodloguetis. +The Clouted Patches of a Stout Heart. +The Mummery of the Racket-keeping Robin-goodfellows. +Gerson, de auferibilitate Papae ab Ecclesia. +The Catalogue of the Nominated and Graduated Persons. +Jo. Dytebrodii, terribilitate excommunicationis libellus acephalos. +Ingeniositas invocandi diabolos et diabolas, per M. Guingolphum. +The Hotchpotch or Gallimaufry of the perpetually begging Friars. +The Morris-dance of the Heretics. +The Whinings of Cajetan. +Muddisnout Doctoris Cherubici, de origine Roughfootedarum, et +Wryneckedorum ritibus, libri septem. +Sixty-nine fat Breviaries. +The Nightmare of the five Orders of Beggars. +The Skinnery of the new Start-ups extracted out of the fallow-butt, +incornifistibulated and plodded upon in the angelic sum. +The Raver and idle Talker in cases of Conscience. +The Fat Belly of the Presidents. +The Baffling Flouter of the Abbots. +Sutoris adversus eum qui vocaverat eum Slabsauceatorem, et quod +Slabsauceatores non sunt damnati ab Ecclesia. +Cacatorium medicorum. +The Chimney-sweeper of Astrology. +Campi clysteriorum per paragraph C. +The Bumsquibcracker of Apothecaries. +The Kissbreech of Chirurgery. +Justinianus de Whiteleperotis tollendis. +Antidotarium animae. +Merlinus Coccaius, de patria diabolorum. +The Practice of Iniquity, by Cleuraunes Sadden. +The Mirror of Baseness, by Radnecu Waldenses. +The Engrained Rogue, by Dwarsencas Eldenu. +The Merciless Cormorant, by Hoxinidno the Jew. +</pre> + <p> + Of which library some books are already printed, and the rest are now at + the press in this noble city of Tubingen. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0008" id="link22HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.VIII.—How Pantagruel, being at Paris, received letters + from his father Gargantua, and the copy of them. + </h2> + <p> + Pantagruel studied very hard, as you may well conceive, and profited + accordingly; for he had an excellent understanding and notable wit, + together with a capacity in memory equal to the measure of twelve oil + budgets or butts of olives. And, as he was there abiding one day, he + received a letter from his father in manner as followeth. + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + Most dear Son,—Amongst the gifts, graces, and prerogatives, with + which the sovereign plasmator God Almighty hath endowed and adorned + human nature at the beginning, that seems to me most singular and + excellent by which we may in a mortal state attain to a kind of + immortality, and in the course of this transitory life perpetuate our + name and seed, which is done by a progeny issued from us in the lawful + bonds of matrimony. Whereby that in some measure is restored unto us + which was taken from us by the sin of our first parents, to whom it was + said that, because they had not obeyed the commandment of God their + Creator, they should die, and by death should be brought to nought that + so stately frame and plasmature wherein the man at first had been + created. + </p> + <p> + But by this means of seminal propagation there (“Which continueth” + in the old copy.) continueth in the children what was lost in the + parents, and in the grandchildren that which perished in their fathers, + and so successively until the day of the last judgment, when Jesus + Christ shall have rendered up to God the Father his kingdom in a + peaceable condition, out of all danger and contamination of sin; for + then shall cease all generations and corruptions, and the elements leave + off their continual transmutations, seeing the so much desired peace + shall be attained unto and enjoyed, and that all things shall be brought + to their end and period. And, therefore, not without just and reasonable + cause do I give thanks to God my Saviour and Preserver, for that he hath + enabled me to see my bald old age reflourish in thy youth; for when, at + his good pleasure, who rules and governs all things, my soul shall leave + this mortal habitation, I shall not account myself wholly to die, but to + pass from one place unto another, considering that, in and by that, I + continue in my visible image living in the world, visiting and + conversing with people of honour, and other my good friends, as I was + wont to do. Which conversation of mine, although it was not without sin, + because we are all of us trespassers, and therefore ought continually to + beseech his divine majesty to blot our transgressions out of his memory, + yet was it, by the help and grace of God, without all manner of reproach + before men. + </p> + <p> + Wherefore, if those qualities of the mind but shine in thee wherewith I + am endowed, as in thee remaineth the perfect image of my body, thou wilt + be esteemed by all men to be the perfect guardian and treasure of the + immortality of our name. But, if otherwise, I shall truly take but small + pleasure to see it, considering that the lesser part of me, which is the + body, would abide in thee, and the best, to wit, that which is the soul, + and by which our name continues blessed amongst men, would be degenerate + and abastardized. This I do not speak out of any distrust that I have of + thy virtue, which I have heretofore already tried, but to encourage thee + yet more earnestly to proceed from good to better. And that which I now + write unto thee is not so much that thou shouldst live in this virtuous + course, as that thou shouldst rejoice in so living and having lived, and + cheer up thyself with the like resolution in time to come; to the + prosecution and accomplishment of which enterprise and generous + undertaking thou mayst easily remember how that I have spared nothing, + but have so helped thee, as if I had had no other treasure in this world + but to see thee once in my life completely well-bred and accomplished, + as well in virtue, honesty, and valour, as in all liberal knowledge and + civility, and so to leave thee after my death as a mirror representing + the person of me thy father, and if not so excellent, and such in deed + as I do wish thee, yet such in my desire. + </p> + <p> + But although my deceased father of happy memory, Grangousier, had bent + his best endeavours to make me profit in all perfection and political + knowledge, and that my labour and study was fully correspondent to, yea, + went beyond his desire, nevertheless, as thou mayest well understand, + the time then was not so proper and fit for learning as it is at + present, neither had I plenty of such good masters as thou hast had. For + that time was darksome, obscured with clouds of ignorance, and savouring + a little of the infelicity and calamity of the Goths, who had, wherever + they set footing, destroyed all good literature, which in my age hath by + the divine goodness been restored unto its former light and dignity, and + that with such amendment and increase of the knowledge, that now hardly + should I be admitted unto the first form of the little + grammar-schoolboys—I say, I, who in my youthful days was, and that + justly, reputed the most learned of that age. Which I do not speak in + vain boasting, although I might lawfully do it in writing unto thee—in + verification whereof thou hast the authority of Marcus Tullius in his + book of old age, and the sentence of Plutarch in the book entitled How a + man may praise himself without envy—but to give thee an emulous + encouragement to strive yet further. + </p> + <p> + Now is it that the minds of men are qualified with all manner of + discipline, and the old sciences revived which for many ages were + extinct. Now it is that the learned languages are to their pristine + purity restored, viz., Greek, without which a man may be ashamed to + account himself a scholar, Hebrew, Arabic, Chaldaean, and Latin. + Printing likewise is now in use, so elegant and so correct that better + cannot be imagined, although it was found out but in my time by divine + inspiration, as by a diabolical suggestion on the other side was the + invention of ordnance. All the world is full of knowing men, of most + learned schoolmasters, and vast libraries; and it appears to me as a + truth, that neither in Plato’s time, nor Cicero’s, nor + Papinian’s, there was ever such conveniency for studying as we see + at this day there is. Nor must any adventure henceforward to come in + public, or present himself in company, that hath not been pretty well + polished in the shop of Minerva. I see robbers, hangmen, freebooters, + tapsters, ostlers, and such like, of the very rubbish of the people, + more learned now than the doctors and preachers were in my time. + </p> + <p> + What shall I say? The very women and children have aspired to this + praise and celestial manner of good learning. Yet so it is that, in the + age I am now of, I have been constrained to learn the Greek tongue—which + I contemned not like Cato, but had not the leisure in my younger years + to attend the study of it—and take much delight in the reading of + Plutarch’s Morals, the pleasant Dialogues of Plato, the Monuments + of Pausanias, and the Antiquities of Athenaeus, in waiting on the hour + wherein God my Creator shall call me and command me to depart from this + earth and transitory pilgrimage. Wherefore, my son, I admonish thee to + employ thy youth to profit as well as thou canst, both in thy studies + and in virtue. Thou art at Paris, where the laudable examples of many + brave men may stir up thy mind to gallant actions, and hast likewise for + thy tutor and pedagogue the learned Epistemon, who by his lively and + vocal documents may instruct thee in the arts and sciences. + </p> + <p> + I intend, and will have it so, that thou learn the languages perfectly; + first of all the Greek, as Quintilian will have it; secondly, the Latin; + and then the Hebrew, for the Holy Scripture sake; and then the Chaldee + and Arabic likewise, and that thou frame thy style in Greek in imitation + of Plato, and for the Latin after Cicero. Let there be no history which + thou shalt not have ready in thy memory; unto the prosecuting of which + design, books of cosmography will be very conducible and help thee much. + Of the liberal arts of geometry, arithmetic, and music, I gave thee some + taste when thou wert yet little, and not above five or six years old. + Proceed further in them, and learn the remainder if thou canst. As for + astronomy, study all the rules thereof. Let pass, nevertheless, the + divining and judicial astrology, and the art of Lullius, as being + nothing else but plain abuses and vanities. As for the civil law, of + that I would have thee to know the texts by heart, and then to confer + them with philosophy. + </p> + <p> + Now, in matter of the knowledge of the works of nature, I would have + thee to study that exactly, and that so there be no sea, river, nor + fountain, of which thou dost not know the fishes; all the fowls of the + air; all the several kinds of shrubs and trees, whether in forests or + orchards; all the sorts of herbs and flowers that grow upon the ground; + all the various metals that are hid within the bowels of the earth; + together with all the diversity of precious stones that are to be seen + in the orient and south parts of the world. Let nothing of all these be + hidden from thee. Then fail not most carefully to peruse the books of + the Greek, Arabian, and Latin physicians, not despising the Talmudists + and Cabalists; and by frequent anatomies get thee the perfect knowledge + of the other world, called the microcosm, which is man. And at some + hours of the day apply thy mind to the study of the Holy Scriptures; + first in Greek, the New Testament, with the Epistles of the Apostles; + and then the Old Testament in Hebrew. In brief, let me see thee an abyss + and bottomless pit of knowledge; for from henceforward, as thou growest + great and becomest a man, thou must part from this tranquillity and rest + of study, thou must learn chivalry, warfare, and the exercises of the + field, the better thereby to defend my house and our friends, and to + succour and protect them at all their needs against the invasion and + assaults of evildoers. + </p> + <p> + Furthermore, I will that very shortly thou try how much thou hast + profited, which thou canst not better do than by maintaining publicly + theses and conclusions in all arts against all persons whatsoever, and + by haunting the company of learned men, both at Paris and otherwhere. + But because, as the wise man Solomon saith, Wisdom entereth not into a + malicious mind, and that knowledge without conscience is but the ruin of + the soul, it behoveth thee to serve, to love, to fear God, and on him to + cast all thy thoughts and all thy hope, and by faith formed in charity + to cleave unto him, so that thou mayst never be separated from him by + thy sins. Suspect the abuses of the world. Set not thy heart upon + vanity, for this life is transitory, but the Word of the Lord endureth + for ever. Be serviceable to all thy neighbours, and love them as + thyself. Reverence thy preceptors: shun the conversation of those whom + thou desirest not to resemble, and receive not in vain the graces which + God hath bestowed upon thee. And, when thou shalt see that thou hast + attained to all the knowledge that is to be acquired in that part, + return unto me, that I may see thee and give thee my blessing before I + die. My son, the peace and grace of our Lord be with thee. Amen. + </p> + <p> + Thy father Gargantua.<br /> From Utopia the 17th day of the month of + March. + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + These letters being received and read, Pantagruel plucked up his heart, + took a fresh courage to him, and was inflamed with a desire to profit in + his studies more than ever, so that if you had seen him, how he took + pains, and how he advanced in learning, you would have said that the + vivacity of his spirit amidst the books was like a great fire amongst dry + wood, so active it was, vigorous and indefatigable. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0009" id="link22HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.IX.—How Pantagruel found Panurge, whom he loved all his + lifetime. + </h2> + <p> + One day, as Pantagruel was taking a walk without the city, towards St. + Anthony’s abbey, discoursing and philosophating with his own + servants and some other scholars, (he) met with a young man of very comely + stature and surpassing handsome in all the lineaments of his body, but in + several parts thereof most pitifully wounded; in such bad equipage in + matter of his apparel, which was but tatters and rags, and every way so + far out of order that he seemed to have been a-fighting with mastiff-dogs, + from whose fury he had made an escape; or to say better, he looked, in the + condition wherein he then was, like an apple-gatherer of the country of + Perche. + </p> + <p> + As far off as Pantagruel saw him, he said to those that stood by, Do you + see that man there, who is a-coming hither upon the road from Charenton + bridge? By my faith, he is only poor in fortune; for I may assure you that + by his physiognomy it appeareth that nature hath extracted him from some + rich and noble race, and that too much curiosity hath thrown him upon + adventures which possibly have reduced him to this indigence, want, and + penury. Now as he was just amongst them, Pantagruel said unto him, Let me + entreat you, friend, that you may be pleased to stop here a little and + answer me to that which I shall ask you, and I am confident you will not + think your time ill bestowed; for I have an extreme desire, according to + my ability, to give you some supply in this distress wherein I see you + are; because I do very much commiserate your case, which truly moves me to + great pity. Therefore, my friend, tell me who you are; whence you come; + whither you go; what you desire; and what your name is. The companion + answered him in the German (The first edition reads “Dutch.”) + tongue, thus: + </p> + <p> + 'Junker, Gott geb euch gluck und heil. Furwahr, lieber Junker, ich lasz + euch wissen, das da ihr mich von fragt, ist ein arm und erbarmlich Ding, + und wer viel darvon zu sagen, welches euch verdrussig zu horen, und mir zu + erzelen wer, wiewol die Poeten und Oratorn vorzeiten haben gesagt in ihren + Spruchen und Sentenzen, dasz die gedechtniss des Elends und Armuth + vorlangst erlitten ist eine grosse Lust.’ My friend, said + Pantagruel, I have no skill in that gibberish of yours; therefore, if you + would have us to understand you, speak to us in some other language. Then + did the droll answer him thus: + </p> + <p> + 'Albarildim gotfano dechmin brin alabo dordio falbroth ringuam albaras. + Nin portzadikin almucatin milko prin alelmin en thoth dalheben ensouim; + kuthim al dum alkatim nim broth dechoth porth min michais im endoth, pruch + dalmaisoulum hol moth danfrihim lupaldas in voldemoth. Nin hur diavosth + mnarbotim dalgousch palfrapin duch im scoth pruch galeth dal chinon, min + foulchrich al conin brutathen doth dal prin.’ Do you understand none + of this? said Pantagruel to the company. I believe, said Epistemon, that + this is the language of the Antipodes, and such a hard one that the devil + himself knows not what to make of it. Then said Pantagruel, Gossip, I know + not if the walls do comprehend the meaning of your words, but none of us + here doth so much as understand one syllable of them. Then said my blade + again: + </p> + <p> + 'Signor mio, voi vedete per essempio, che la cornamusa non suona mai, s’ella + non ha il ventre pieno. Cosi io parimente non vi saprei contare le mie + fortune, se prima il tribulato ventre non ha la solita refettione. Al + quale e adviso che le mani et li denti habbiano perso il loro ordine + naturale et del tutto annichilati.’ To which Epistemon answered, As + much of the one as of the other, and nothing of either. Then said Panurge: + </p> + <p> + 'Lord, if you be so virtuous of intelligence as you be naturally relieved + to the body, you should have pity of me. For nature hath made us equal, + but fortune hath some exalted and others deprived; nevertheless is virtue + often deprived and the virtuous men despised; for before the last end none + is good.’ (The following is the passage as it stands in the first + edition. Urquhart seems to have rendered Rabelais’ indifferent + English into worse Scotch, and this, with probably the use of contractions + in his MS., or 'the oddness’ of handwriting which he owns to in his + Logopandecteision (p.419, Mait. Club. Edit.), has led to a chaotic jumble, + which it is nearly impossible to reduce to order.—Instead of any + attempt to do so, it is here given verbatim: ‘Lard gestholb besua + virtuisbe intelligence: ass yi body scalbisbe natural reloth cholb suld + osme pety have; for natur hass visse equaly maide bot fortune sum exaiti + hesse andoyis deprevit: non yeless iviss mou virtiuss deprevit, and + virtuiss men decreviss for anen ye ladeniss non quid.’ Here is a + morsel for critical ingenuity to fix its teeth in.—M.) Yet less, + said Pantagruel. Then said my jolly Panurge: + </p> + <p> + 'Jona andie guaussa goussy etan beharda er remedio beharde versela ysser + landa. Anbat es otoy y es nausu ey nessassust gourray proposian ordine + den. Non yssena bayta facheria egabe gen herassy badia sadassu noura + assia. Aran hondavan gualde cydassu naydassuna. Estou oussyc eg vinan + soury hien er darstura eguy harm. Genicoa plasar vadu.’ Are you + there, said Eudemon, Genicoa? To this said Carpalim, St. Trinian’s + rammer unstitch your bum, for I had almost understood it. Then answered + Panurge: + </p> + <p> + 'Prust frest frinst sorgdmand strochdi drhds pag brlelang Gravot Chavigny + Pomardiere rusth pkaldracg Deviniere pres Nays. Couille kalmuch monach + drupp del meupplist rincq drlnd dodelb up drent loch minc stz rinq jald de + vins ders cordelis bur jocst stzampenards.’ Do you speak Christian, + said Epistemon, or the buffoon language, otherwise called Patelinois? Nay, + it is the puzlatory tongue, said another, which some call Lanternois. Then + said Panurge: + </p> + <p> + 'Heere, ik en spreeke anders geen taele dan kersten taele: my dunkt + noghtans, al en seg ik u niet een wordt, mynen noot verklaert genoegh wat + ik begeere: geeft my uyt bermhertigheit yets waar van ik gevoet magh zyn.’ + To which answered Pantagruel, As much of that. Then said Panurge: + </p> + <p> + 'Sennor, de tanto hablar yo soy cansado, porque yo suplico a vuestra + reverentia que mire a los preceptos evangelicos, para que ellos movan + vuestra reverentia a lo que es de conscientia; y si ellos non bastaren, + para mouer vuestra reverentia a piedad, yo suplico que mire a la piedad + natural, la qual yo creo que le movera como es de razon: y con esso non + digo mas.’ Truly, my friend, (said Pantagruel,) I doubt not but you + can speak divers languages; but tell us that which you would have us to do + for you in some tongue which you conceive we may understand. Then said the + companion: + </p> + <p> + 'Min Herre, endog ieg med ingen tunge talede, ligesom baern, oc uskellige + creatuure: Mine klaedebon oc mit legoms magerhed uduiser alligeuel klarlig + huad ting mig best behof gioris, som er sandelig mad oc dricke: Huorfor + forbarme dig ofuer mig, oc befal at giue mig noguet, af huilcket ieg kand + slyre min giaeendis mage, ligeruiis som mand Cerbero en suppe forsetter: + Saa skalt du lefue laenge oc lycksalig.’ I think really, said + Eusthenes, that the Goths spoke thus of old, and that, if it pleased God, + we would all of us speak so with our tails. Then again said Panurge: + </p> + <p> + 'Adon, scalom lecha: im ischar harob hal hebdeca bimeherah thithen li + kikar lehem: chanchat ub laah al Adonai cho nen ral.’ To which + answered Epistemon, At this time have I understood him very well; for it + is the Hebrew tongue most rhetorically pronounced. Then again said the + gallant: + </p> + <p> + 'Despota tinyn panagathe, diati sy mi ouk artodotis? horas gar limo + analiscomenon eme athlion, ke en to metaxy me ouk eleis oudamos, zetis de + par emou ha ou chre. Ke homos philologi pantes homologousi tote logous te + ke remata peritta hyparchin, hopote pragma afto pasi delon esti. Entha gar + anankei monon logi isin, hina pragmata (hon peri amphisbetoumen), me + prosphoros epiphenete.’ What? Said Carpalim, Pantagruel’s + footman, It is Greek, I have understood him. And how? hast thou dwelt any + while in Greece? Then said the droll again: + </p> + <p> + 'Agonou dont oussys vous desdagnez algorou: nou den farou zamist vous + mariston ulbrou, fousques voubrol tant bredaguez moupreton dengoulhoust, + daguez daguez non cropys fost pardonnoflist nougrou. Agou paston tol + nalprissys hourtou los echatonous, prou dhouquys brol pany gou den bascrou + noudous caguons goulfren goul oustaroppassou.’ (In this and the + preceding speeches of Panurge, the Paris Variorum Edition of 1823 has been + followed in correcting Urquhart’s text, which is full of + inaccuracies.—M.) Methinks I understand him, said Pantagruel; for + either it is the language of my country of Utopia, or sounds very like it. + And, as he was about to have begun some purpose, the companion said: + </p> + <p> + 'Jam toties vos per sacra, perque deos deasque omnes obtestatus sum, ut si + quae vos pietas permovet, egestatem meam solaremini, nec hilum proficio + clamans et ejulans. Sinite, quaeso, sinite, viri impii, quo me fata vocant + abire; nec ultra vanis vestris interpellationibus obtundatis, memores + veteris illius adagii, quo venter famelicus auriculis carere dicitur.’ + Well, my friend, said Pantagruel, but cannot you speak French? That I can + do, sir, very well, said the companion, God be thanked. It is my natural + language and mother tongue, for I was born and bred in my younger years in + the garden of France, to wit, Touraine. Then, said Pantagruel, tell us + what is your name, and from whence you are come; for, by my faith, I have + already stamped in my mind such a deep impression of love towards you, + that, if you will condescend unto my will, you shall not depart out of my + company, and you and I shall make up another couple of friends such as + Aeneas and Achates were. Sir, said the companion, my true and proper + Christian name is Panurge, and now I come out of Turkey, to which country + I was carried away prisoner at that time when they went to Metelin with a + mischief. And willingly would I relate unto you my fortunes, which are + more wonderful than those of Ulysses were; but, seeing that it pleaseth + you to retain me with you, I most heartily accept of the offer, protesting + never to leave you should you go to all the devils in hell. We shall have + therefore more leisure at another time, and a fitter opportunity wherein + to report them; for at this present I am in a very urgent necessity to + feed; my teeth are sharp, my belly empty, my throat dry, and my stomach + fierce and burning, all is ready. If you will but set me to work, it will + be as good as a balsamum for sore eyes to see me gulch and raven it. For + God’s sake, give order for it. Then Pantagruel commanded that they + should carry him home and provide him good store of victuals; which being + done, he ate very well that evening, and, capon-like, went early to bed; + then slept until dinner-time the next day, so that he made but three steps + and one leap from the bed to the board. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0010" id="link22HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.X.—How Pantagruel judged so equitably of a controversy, + which was wonderfully obscure and difficult, that, by reason of his just + decree therein, he was reputed to have a most admirable judgment. + </h2> + <p> + Pantagruel, very well remembering his father’s letter and + admonitions, would one day make trial of his knowledge. Thereupon, in all + the carrefours, that is, throughout all the four quarters, streets, and + corners of the city, he set up conclusions to the number of nine thousand + seven hundred sixty and four, in all manner of learning, touching in them + the hardest doubts that are in any science. And first of all, in the + Fodder Street he held dispute against all the regents or fellows of + colleges, artists or masters of arts, and orators, and did so gallantly + that he overthrew them and set them all upon their tails. He went + afterwards to the Sorbonne, where he maintained argument against all the + theologians or divines, for the space of six weeks, from four o’clock + in the morning until six in the evening, except an interval of two hours + to refresh themselves and take their repast. And at this were present the + greatest part of the lords of the court, the masters of requests, + presidents, counsellors, those of the accompts, secretaries, advocates, + and others; as also the sheriffs of the said town, with the physicians and + professors of the canon law. Amongst which, it is to be remarked, that the + greatest part were stubborn jades, and in their opinions obstinate; but he + took such course with them that, for all their ergoes and fallacies, he + put their backs to the wall, gravelled them in the deepest questions, and + made it visibly appear to the world that, compared to him, they were but + monkeys and a knot of muffled calves. Whereupon everybody began to keep a + bustling noise and talk of his so marvellous knowledge, through all + degrees of persons of both sexes, even to the very laundresses, brokers, + roast-meat sellers, penknife makers, and others, who, when he passed along + in the street, would say, This is he! in which he took delight, as + Demosthenes, the prince of Greek orators, did, when an old crouching wife, + pointing at him with her fingers, said, That is the man. + </p> + <p> + Now at this same very time there was a process or suit in law depending in + court between two great lords, of which one was called my Lord Kissbreech, + plaintiff of one side, and the other my Lord Suckfist, defendant of the + other; whose controversy was so high and difficult in law that the court + of parliament could make nothing of it. And therefore, by the commandment + of the king, there were assembled four of the greatest and most learned of + all the parliaments of France, together with the great council, and all + the principal regents of the universities, not only of France, but of + England also and Italy, such as Jason, Philippus Decius, Petrus de + Petronibus, and a rabble of other old Rabbinists. Who being thus met + together, after they had thereupon consulted for the space of + six-and-forty weeks, finding that they could not fasten their teeth in it, + nor with such clearness understand the case as that they might in any + manner of way be able to right it, or take up the difference betwixt the + two aforesaid parties, it did so grievously vex them that they most + villainously conshit themselves for shame. In this great extremity one + amongst them, named Du Douhet, the learnedest of all, and more expert and + prudent than any of the rest, whilst one day they were thus at their wits’ + end, all-to-be-dunced and philogrobolized in their brains, said unto them, + We have been here, my masters, a good long space, without doing anything + else than trifle away both our time and money, and can nevertheless find + neither brim nor bottom in this matter, for the more we study about it the + less we understand therein, which is a great shame and disgrace to us, and + a heavy burden to our consciences; yea, such that in my opinion we shall + not rid ourselves of it without dishonour, unless we take some other + course; for we do nothing but dote in our consultations. + </p> + <p> + See, therefore, what I have thought upon. You have heard much talking of + that worthy personage named Master Pantagruel, who hath been found to be + learned above the capacity of this present age, by the proofs he gave in + those great disputations which he held publicly against all men. My + opinion is, that we send for him to confer with him about this business; + for never any man will encompass the bringing of it to an end if he do it + not. + </p> + <p> + Hereunto all the counsellors and doctors willingly agreed, and according + to that their result having instantly sent for him, they entreated him to + be pleased to canvass the process and sift it thoroughly, that, after a + deep search and narrow examination of all the points thereof, he might + forthwith make the report unto them such as he shall think good in true + and legal knowledge. To this effect they delivered into his hands the bags + wherein were the writs and pancarts concerning that suit, which for bulk + and weight were almost enough to lade four great couillard or stoned + asses. But Pantagruel said unto them, Are the two lords between whom this + debate and process is yet living? It was answered him, Yes. To what a + devil, then, said he, serve so many paltry heaps and bundles of papers and + copies which you give me? Is it not better to hear their controversy from + their own mouths whilst they are face to face before us, than to read + these vile fopperies, which are nothing but trumperies, deceits, + diabolical cozenages of Cepola, pernicious slights and subversions of + equity? For I am sure that you, and all those through whose hands this + process has passed, have by your devices added what you could to it pro et + contra in such sort that, although their difference perhaps was clear and + easy enough to determine at first, you have obscured it and made it more + intricate by the frivolous, sottish, unreasonable, and foolish reasons and + opinions of Accursius, Baldus, Bartolus, de Castro, de Imola, Hippolytus, + Panormo, Bertachin, Alexander, Curtius, and those other old mastiffs, who + never understood the least law of the Pandects, they being but mere + blockheads and great tithe calves, ignorant of all that which was needful + for the understanding of the laws; for, as it is most certain, they had + not the knowledge either of the Greek or Latin tongue, but only of the + Gothic and barbarian. The laws, nevertheless, were first taken from the + Greeks, according to the testimony of Ulpian, L. poster. de origine juris, + which we likewise may perceive by that all the laws are full of Greek + words and sentences. And then we find that they are reduced into a Latin + style the most elegant and ornate that whole language is able to afford, + without excepting that of any that ever wrote therein, nay, not of + Sallust, Varro, Cicero, Seneca, Titus Livius, nor Quintilian. How then + could these old dotards be able to understand aright the text of the laws + who never in their time had looked upon a good Latin book, as doth + evidently enough appear by the rudeness of their style, which is fitter + for a chimney-sweeper, or for a cook or a scullion, than for a + jurisconsult and doctor in the laws? + </p> + <p> + Furthermore, seeing the laws are excerpted out of the middle of moral and + natural philosophy, how should these fools have understood it, that have, + by G—, studied less in philosophy than my mule? In respect of human + learning and the knowledge of antiquities and history they were truly + laden with those faculties as a toad is with feathers. And yet of all this + the laws are so full that without it they cannot be understood, as I + intend more fully to show unto you in a peculiar treatise which on that + purpose I am about to publish. Therefore, if you will that I take any + meddling in this process, first cause all these papers to be burnt; + secondly, make the two gentlemen come personally before me, and + afterwards, when I shall have heard them, I will tell you my opinion + freely without any feignedness or dissimulation whatsoever. + </p> + <p> + Some amongst them did contradict this motion, as you know that in all + companies there are more fools than wise men, and that the greater part + always surmounts the better, as saith Titus Livius in speaking of the + Carthaginians. But the foresaid Du Douhet held the contrary opinion, + maintaining that Pantagruel had said well, and what was right, in + affirming that these records, bills of inquest, replies, rejoinders, + exceptions, depositions, and other such diableries of truth-entangling + writs, were but engines wherewith to overthrow justice and unnecessarily + to prolong such suits as did depend before them; and that, therefore, the + devil would carry them all away to hell if they did not take another + course and proceeded not in times coming according to the prescripts of + evangelical and philosophical equity. In fine, all the papers were burnt, + and the two gentlemen summoned and personally convented. At whose + appearance before the court Pantagruel said unto them, Are you they that + have this great difference betwixt you? Yes, my lord, said they. Which of + you, said Pantagruel, is the plaintiff? It is I, said my Lord Kissbreech. + Go to, then, my friend, said he, and relate your matter unto me from point + to point, according to the real truth, or else, by cock’s body, if I + find you to lie so much as in one word, I will make you shorter by the + head, and take it from off your shoulders to show others by your example + that in justice and judgment men ought to speak nothing but the truth. + Therefore take heed you do not add nor impair anything in the narration of + your case. Begin. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0011" id="link22HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.XI.—How the Lords of Kissbreech and Suckfist did plead + before Pantagruel without an attorney. + </h2> + <p> + Then began Kissbreech in manner as followeth. My lord, it is true that a + good woman of my house carried eggs to the market to sell. Be covered, + Kissbreech, said Pantagruel. Thanks to you, my lord, said the Lord + Kissbreech; but to the purpose. There passed betwixt the two tropics the + sum of threepence towards the zenith and a halfpenny, forasmuch as the + Riphaean mountains had been that year oppressed with a great sterility of + counterfeit gudgeons and shows without substance, by means of the babbling + tattle and fond fibs seditiously raised between the gibblegabblers and + Accursian gibberish-mongers for the rebellion of the Switzers, who had + assembled themselves to the full number of the bumbees and myrmidons to go + a-handsel-getting on the first day of the new year, at that very time when + they give brewis to the oxen and deliver the key of the coals to the + country-girls for serving in of the oats to the dogs. All the night long + they did nothing else, keeping their hands still upon the pot, but + despatch, both on foot and horseback, leaden-sealed writs or letters, to + wit, papal commissions commonly called bulls, to stop the boats; for the + tailors and seamsters would have made of the stolen shreds and clippings a + goodly sagbut to cover the face of the ocean, which then was great with + child of a potful of cabbage, according to the opinion of the + hay-bundle-makers. But the physicians said that by the urine they could + discern no manifest sign of the bustard’s pace, nor how to eat + double-tongued mattocks with mustard, unless the lords and gentlemen of + the court should be pleased to give by B.mol express command to the pox + not to run about any longer in gleaning up of coppersmiths and tinkers; + for the jobbernolls had already a pretty good beginning in their dance of + the British jig called the estrindore, to a perfect diapason, with one + foot in the fire, and their head in the middle, as goodman Ragot was wont + to say. + </p> + <p> + Ha, my masters, God moderates all things, and disposeth of them at his + pleasure, so that against unlucky fortune a carter broke his frisking + whip, which was all the wind-instrument he had. This was done at his + return from the little paltry town, even then when Master Antitus of + Cressplots was licentiated, and had passed his degrees in all dullery and + blockishness, according to this sentence of the canonists, Beati Dunces, + quoniam ipsi stumblaverunt. But that which makes Lent to be so high, by + St. Fiacre of Bry, is for nothing else but that the Pentecost never comes + but to my cost; yet, on afore there, ho! a little rain stills a great + wind, and we must think so, seeing that the sergeant hath propounded the + matter so far above my reach, that the clerks and secondaries could not + with the benefit thereof lick their fingers, feathered with ganders, so + orbicularly as they were wont in other things to do. And we do manifestly + see that everyone acknowledgeth himself to be in the error wherewith + another hath been charged, reserving only those cases whereby we are + obliged to take an ocular inspection in a perspective glass of these + things towards the place in the chimney where hangeth the sign of the wine + of forty girths, which have been always accounted very necessary for the + number of twenty pannels and pack-saddles of the bankrupt protectionaries + of five years’ respite. Howsoever, at least, he that would not let + fly the fowl before the cheesecakes ought in law to have discovered his + reason why not, for the memory is often lost with a wayward shoeing. Well, + God keep Theobald Mitain from all danger! Then said Pantagruel, Hold + there! Ho, my friend, soft and fair, speak at leisure and soberly without + putting yourself in choler. I understand the case,—go on. Now then, + my lord, said Kissbreech, the foresaid good woman saying her gaudez and + audi nos, could not cover herself with a treacherous backblow, ascending + by the wounds and passions of the privileges of the universities, unless + by the virtue of a warming-pan she had angelically fomented every part of + her body in covering them with a hedge of garden-beds; then giving in a + swift unavoidable thirst (thrust) very near to the place where they sell + the old rags whereof the painters of Flanders make great use when they are + about neatly to clap on shoes on grasshoppers, locusts, cigals, and such + like fly-fowls, so strange to us that I am wonderfully astonished why the + world doth not lay, seeing it is so good to hatch. + </p> + <p> + Here the Lord of Suckfist would have interrupted him and spoken somewhat, + whereupon Pantagruel said unto him, St! by St. Anthony’s belly, doth + it become thee to speak without command? I sweat here with the extremity + of labour and exceeding toil I take to understand the proceeding of your + mutual difference, and yet thou comest to trouble and disquiet me. Peace, + in the devil’s name, peace. Thou shalt be permitted to speak thy + bellyful when this man hath done, and no sooner. Go on, said he to + Kissbreech; speak calmly, and do not overheat yourself with too much + haste. + </p> + <p> + I perceiving, then, said Kissbreech, that the Pragmatical Sanction did + make no mention of it, and that the holy Pope to everyone gave liberty to + fart at his own ease, if that the blankets had no streaks wherein the + liars were to be crossed with a ruffian-like crew, and, the rainbow being + newly sharpened at Milan to bring forth larks, gave his full consent that + the good woman should tread down the heel of the hip-gut pangs, by virtue + of a solemn protestation put in by the little testiculated or codsted + fishes, which, to tell the truth, were at that time very necessary for + understanding the syntax and construction of old boots. Therefore John + Calf, her cousin gervais once removed with a log from the woodstack, very + seriously advised her not to put herself into the hazard of quagswagging + in the lee, to be scoured with a buck of linen clothes till first she had + kindled the paper. This counsel she laid hold on, because he desired her + to take nothing and throw out, for Non de ponte vadit, qui cum sapientia + cadit. Matters thus standing, seeing the masters of the chamber of + accompts or members of that committee did not fully agree amongst + themselves in casting up the number of the Almany whistles, whereof were + framed those spectacles for princes which have been lately printed at + Antwerp, I must needs think that it makes a bad return of the writ, and + that the adverse party is not to be believed, in sacer verbo dotis. For + that, having a great desire to obey the pleasure of the king, I armed + myself from toe to top with belly furniture, of the soles of good + venison-pasties, to go see how my grape-gatherers and vintagers had pinked + and cut full of small holes their high-coped caps, to lecher it the + better, and play at in and in. And indeed the time was very dangerous in + coming from the fair, in so far that many trained bowmen were cast at the + muster and quite rejected, although the chimney-tops were high enough, + according to the proportion of the windgalls in the legs of horses, or of + the malanders, which in the esteem of expert farriers is no better + disease, or else the story of Ronypatifam or Lamibaudichon, interpreted by + some to be the tale of a tub or of a roasted horse, savours of apocrypha, + and is not an authentic history. And by this means there was that year + great abundance, throughout all the country of Artois, of tawny buzzing + beetles, to the no small profit of the + gentlemen-great-stick-faggot-carriers, when they did eat without + disdaining the cocklicranes, till their belly was like to crack with it + again. As for my own part, such is my Christian charity towards my + neighbours, that I could wish from my heart everyone had as good a voice; + it would make us play the better at the tennis and the balloon. And truly, + my lord, to express the real truth without dissimulation, I cannot but say + that those petty subtle devices which are found out in the etymologizing + of pattens would descend more easily into the river of Seine, to serve for + ever at the millers’ bridge upon the said water, as it was + heretofore decreed by the king of the Canarians, according to the sentence + or judgment given thereupon, which is to be seen in the registry and + records within the clerk’s office of this house. + </p> + <p> + And, therefore, my lord, I do most humbly require, that by your lordship + there may be said and declared upon the case what is reasonable, with + costs, damages, and interests. Then said Pantagruel, My friend, is this + all you have to say? Kissbreech answered, Yes, my lord, for I have told + all the tu autem, and have not varied at all upon mine honour in so much + as one single word. You then, said Pantagruel, my Lord of Suckfist, say + what you will, and be brief, without omitting, nevertheless, anything that + may serve to the purpose. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0012" id="link22HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.XII.—How the Lord of Suckfist pleaded before Pantagruel. + </h2> + <p> + Then began the Lord Suckfist in manner as followeth. My lord, and you my + masters, if the iniquity of men were as easily seen in categorical + judgment as we can discern flies in a milkpot, the world’s four oxen + had not been so eaten up with rats, nor had so many ears upon the earth + been nibbled away so scurvily. For although all that my adversary hath + spoken be of a very soft and downy truth, in so much as concerns the + letter and history of the factum, yet nevertheless the crafty slights, + cunning subtleties, sly cozenages, and little troubling entanglements are + hid under the rosepot, the common cloak and cover of all fraudulent + deceits. + </p> + <p> + Should I endure that, when I am eating my pottage equal with the best, and + that without either thinking or speaking any manner of ill, they rudely + come to vex, trouble, and perplex my brains with that antique proverb + which saith, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Who in his pottage-eating drinks will not, +When he is dead and buried, see one jot. +</pre> + <p> + And, good lady, how many great captains have we seen in the day of battle, + when in open field the sacrament was distributed in luncheons of the + sanctified bread of the confraternity, the more honestly to nod their + heads, play on the lute, and crack with their tails, to make pretty little + platform leaps in keeping level by the ground? But now the world is + unshackled from the corners of the packs of Leicester. One flies out + lewdly and becomes debauched; another, likewise, five, four, and two, and + that at such random that, if the court take not some course therein, it + will make as bad a season in matter of gleaning this year as ever it made, + or it will make goblets. If any poor creature go to the stoves to + illuminate his muzzle with a cowsherd or to buy winter-boots, and that the + sergeants passing by, or those of the watch, happen to receive the + decoction of a clyster or the fecal matter of a close-stool upon their + rustling-wrangling-clutter-keeping masterships, should any because of that + make bold to clip the shillings and testers and fry the wooden dishes? + Sometimes, when we think one thing, God does another; and when the sun is + wholly set all beasts are in the shade. Let me never be believed again, if + I do not gallantly prove it by several people who have seen the light of + the day. + </p> + <p> + In the year thirty and six, buying a Dutch curtail, which was a + middle-sized horse, both high and short, of a wool good enough and dyed in + grain, as the goldsmiths assured me, although the notary put an &c. in + it, I told really that I was not a clerk of so much learning as to snatch + at the moon with my teeth; but, as for the butter-firkin where Vulcanian + deeds and evidences were sealed, the rumour was, and the report thereof + went current, that salt-beef will make one find the way to the wine + without a candle, though it were hid in the bottom of a collier’s + sack, and that with his drawers on he were mounted on a barbed horse + furnished with a fronstal, and such arms, thighs, and leg-pieces as are + requisite for the well frying and broiling of a swaggering sauciness. Here + is a sheep’s head, and it is well they make a proverb of this, that + it is good to see black cows in burnt wood when one attains to the + enjoyment of his love. I had a consultation upon this point with my + masters the clerks, who for resolution concluded in frisesomorum that + there is nothing like to mowing in the summer, and sweeping clean away in + water, well garnished with paper, ink, pens, and penknives, of Lyons upon + the river of Rhone, dolopym dolopof, tarabin tarabas, tut, prut, pish; + for, incontinently after that armour begins to smell of garlic, the rust + will go near to eat the liver, not of him that wears it, and then do they + nothing else but withstand others’ courses, and wryneckedly set up + their bristles ‘gainst one another, in lightly passing over their + afternoon’s sleep, and this is that which maketh salt so dear. My + lords, believe not when the said good woman had with birdlime caught the + shoveler fowl, the better before a sergeant’s witness to deliver the + younger son’s portion to him, that the sheep’s pluck or hog’s + haslet did dodge and shrink back in the usurers’ purses, or that + there could be anything better to preserve one from the cannibals than to + take a rope of onions, knit with three hundred turnips, and a little of a + calf’s chaldern of the best allay that the alchemists have provided, + (and) that they daub and do over with clay, as also calcinate and burn to + dust these pantoufles, muff in muff out, mouflin mouflard, with the fine + sauce of the juice of the rabble rout, whilst they hide themselves in some + petty mouldwarphole, saving always the little slices of bacon. Now, if the + dice will not favour you with any other throw but ambes-ace and the chance + of three at the great end, mark well the ace, then take me your dame, + settle her in a corner of the bed, and whisk me her up drilletrille, + there, there, toureloura la la; which when you have done, take a hearty + draught of the best, despicando grenovillibus, in despite of the frogs, + whose fair coarse bebuskined stockings shall be set apart for the little + green geese or mewed goslings, which, fattened in a coop, take delight to + sport themselves at the wagtail game, waiting for the beating of the metal + and heating of the wax by the slavering drivellers of consolation. + </p> + <p> + Very true it is, that the four oxen which are in debate, and whereof + mention was made, were somewhat short in memory. Nevertheless, to + understand the game aright, they feared neither the cormorant nor mallard + of Savoy, which put the good people of my country in great hope that their + children some time should become very skilful in algorism. Therefore is + it, that by a law rubric and special sentence thereof, that we cannot fail + to take the wolf if we make our hedges higher than the windmill, whereof + somewhat was spoken by the plaintiff. But the great devil did envy it, and + by that means put the High Dutches far behind, who played the devils in + swilling down and tippling at the good liquor, trink, mein herr, trink, + trink, by two of my table-men in the corner-point I have gained the lurch. + For it is not probable, nor is there any appearance of truth in this + saying, that at Paris upon a little bridge the hen is proportionable, and + were they as copped and high-crested as marsh whoops, if veritably they + did not sacrifice the printer’s pumpet-balls at Moreb, with a new + edge set upon them by text letters or those of a swift-writing hand, it is + all one to me, so that the headband of the book breed not moths or worms + in it. And put the case that, at the coupling together of the buckhounds, + the little puppies shall have waxed proud before the notary could have + given an account of the serving of his writ by the cabalistic art, it will + necessarily follow, under correction of the better judgment of the court, + that six acres of meadow ground of the greatest breadth will make three + butts of fine ink, without paying ready money; considering that, at the + funeral of King Charles, we might have had the fathom in open market for + one and two, that is, deuce ace. This I may affirm with a safe conscience, + upon my oath of wool. + </p> + <p> + And I see ordinarily in all good bagpipes, that, when they go to the + counterfeiting of the chirping of small birds, by swinging a broom three + times about a chimney, and putting his name upon record, they do nothing + but bend a crossbow backwards, and wind a horn, if perhaps it be too hot, + and that, by making it fast to a rope he was to draw, immediately after + the sight of the letters, the cows were restored to him. Such another + sentence after the homeliest manner was pronounced in the seventeenth + year, because of the bad government of Louzefougarouse, whereunto it may + please the court to have regard. I desire to be rightly understood; for + truly, I say not but that in all equity, and with an upright conscience, + those may very well be dispossessed who drink holy water as one would do a + weaver’s shuttle, whereof suppositories are made to those that will + not resign, but on the terms of ell and tell and giving of one thing for + another. Tunc, my lords, quid juris pro minoribus? For the common custom + of the Salic law is such, that the first incendiary or firebrand of + sedition that flays the cow and wipes his nose in a full concert of music + without blowing in the cobbler’s stitches, should in the time of the + nightmare sublimate the penury of his member by moss gathered when people + are like to founder themselves at the mess at midnight, to give the + estrapade to these white wines of Anjou that do the fear of the leg in + lifting it by horsemen called the gambetta, and that neck to neck after + the fashion of Brittany, concluding as before with costs, damages, and + interests. + </p> + <p> + After that the Lord of Suckfist had ended, Pantagruel said to the Lord of + Kissbreech, My friend, have you a mind to make any reply to what is said? + No, my lord, answered Kissbreech; for I have spoke all I intended, and + nothing but the truth. Therefore, put an end for God’s sake to our + difference, for we are here at great charge. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0013" id="link22HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.XIII.—How Pantagruel gave judgment upon the difference of + the two lords. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link2image-0005" id="link2image-0005"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/2-13-159.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="With This I Ran Away--2-13-159" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + Then Pantagruel, rising up, assembled all the presidents, counsellors, and + doctors that were there, and said unto them, Come now, my masters, you + have heard vivae vocis oraculo, the controversy that is in question; what + do you think of it? They answered him, We have indeed heard it, but have + not understood the devil so much as one circumstance of the case; and + therefore we beseech you, una voce, and in courtesy request you that you + would give sentence as you think good, and, ex nunc prout ex tunc, we are + satisfied with it, and do ratify it with our full consents. Well, my + masters, said Pantagruel, seeing you are so pleased, I will do it; but I + do not truly find the case so difficult as you make it. Your paragraph + Caton, the law Frater, the law Gallus, the law Quinque pedum, the law + Vinum, the law Si Dominus, the law Mater, the law Mulier bona, to the law + Si quis, the law Pomponius, the law Fundi, the law Emptor, the law + Praetor, the law Venditor, and a great many others, are far more intricate + in my opinion. After he had spoke this, he walked a turn or two about the + hall, plodding very profoundly, as one may think; for he did groan like an + ass whilst they girth him too hard, with the very intensiveness of + considering how he was bound in conscience to do right to both parties, + without varying or accepting of persons. Then he returned, sat down, and + began to pronounce sentence as followeth. + </p> + <p> + Having seen, heard, calculated, and well considered of the difference + between the Lords of Kissbreech and Suckfist, the court saith unto them, + that in regard of the sudden quaking, shivering, and hoariness of the + flickermouse, bravely declining from the estival solstice, to attempt by + private means the surprisal of toyish trifles in those who are a little + unwell for having taken a draught too much, through the lewd demeanour and + vexation of the beetles that inhabit the diarodal (diarhomal) climate of + an hypocritical ape on horseback, bending a crossbow backwards, the + plaintiff truly had just cause to calfet, or with oakum to stop the chinks + of the galleon which the good woman blew up with wind, having one foot + shod and the other bare, reimbursing and restoring to him, low and stiff + in his conscience, as many bladder-nuts and wild pistaches as there is of + hair in eighteen cows, with as much for the embroiderer, and so much for + that. He is likewise declared innocent of the case privileged from the + knapdardies, into the danger whereof it was thought he had incurred; + because he could not jocundly and with fulness of freedom untruss and + dung, by the decision of a pair of gloves perfumed with the scent of + bum-gunshot at the walnut-tree taper, as is usual in his country of + Mirebalais. Slacking, therefore, the topsail, and letting go the bowline + with the brazen bullets, wherewith the mariners did by way of protestation + bake in pastemeat great store of pulse interquilted with the dormouse, + whose hawk’s-bells were made with a puntinaria, after the manner of + Hungary or Flanders lace, and which his brother-in-law carried in a + pannier, lying near to three chevrons or bordered gules, whilst he was + clean out of heart, drooping and crestfallen by the too narrow sifting, + canvassing, and curious examining of the matter in the angularly doghole + of nasty scoundrels, from whence we shoot at the vermiformal popinjay with + the flap made of a foxtail. + </p> + <p> + But in that he chargeth the defendant that he was a botcher, cheese-eater, + and trimmer of man’s flesh embalmed, which in the arsiversy swagfall + tumble was not found true, as by the defendant was very well discussed. + </p> + <p> + The court, therefore, doth condemn and amerce him in three porringers of + curds, well cemented and closed together, shining like pearls, and + codpieced after the fashion of the country, to be paid unto the said + defendant about the middle of August in May. But, on the other part, the + defendant shall be bound to furnish him with hay and stubble for stopping + the caltrops of his throat, troubled and impulregafized, with gabardines + garbled shufflingly, and friends as before, without costs and for cause. + </p> + <p> + Which sentence being pronounced, the two parties departed both contented + with the decree, which was a thing almost incredible. For it never came to + pass since the great rain, nor shall the like occur in thirteen jubilees + hereafter, that two parties contradictorily contending in judgment be + equally satisfied and well pleased with the definitive sentence. As for + the counsellors and other doctors in the law that were there present, they + were all so ravished with admiration at the more than human wisdom of + Pantagruel, which they did most clearly perceive to be in him by his so + accurate decision of this so difficult and thorny cause, that their + spirits with the extremity of the rapture being elevated above the pitch + of actuating the organs of the body, they fell into a trance and sudden + ecstasy, wherein they stayed for the space of three long hours, and had + been so as yet in that condition had not some good people fetched store of + vinegar and rose-water to bring them again unto their former sense and + understanding, for the which God be praised everywhere. And so be it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0014" id="link22HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.XIV.—How Panurge related the manner how he escaped out of + the hands of the Turks. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link2image-0006" id="link2image-0006"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/2-14-164.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="When the Dogs Have You--2-14-164" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + The great wit and judgment of Pantagruel was immediately after this made + known unto all the world by setting forth his praises in print, and + putting upon record this late wonderful proof he hath given thereof + amongst the rolls of the crown and registers of the palace, in such sort + that everybody began to say that Solomon, who by a probable guess only, + without any further certainty, caused the child to be delivered to its own + mother, showed never in his time such a masterpiece of wisdom as the good + Pantagruel hath done. Happy are we, therefore, that have him in our + country. And indeed they would have made him thereupon master of the + requests and president in the court; but he refused all, very graciously + thanking them for their offer. For, said he, there is too much slavery in + these offices, and very hardly can they be saved that do exercise them, + considering the great corruption that is amongst men. Which makes me + believe, if the empty seats of angels be not filled with other kind of + people than those, we shall not have the final judgment these seven + thousand, sixty and seven jubilees yet to come, and so Cusanus will be + deceived in his conjecture. Remember that I have told you of it, and given + you fair advertisement in time and place convenient. + </p> + <p> + But if you have any hogsheads of good wine, I willingly will accept of a + present of that. Which they very heartily did do, in sending him of the + best that was in the city, and he drank reasonably well, but poor Panurge + bibbed and boused of it most villainously, for he was as dry as a + red-herring, as lean as a rake, and, like a poor, lank, slender cat, + walked gingerly as if he had trod upon eggs. So that by someone being + admonished, in the midst of his draught of a large deep bowl full of + excellent claret with these words—Fair and softly, gossip, you suck + up as if you were mad —I give thee to the devil, said he; thou hast + not found here thy little tippling sippers of Paris, that drink no more + than the little bird called a spink or chaffinch, and never take in their + beakful of liquor till they be bobbed on the tails after the manner of the + sparrows. O companion! if I could mount up as well as I can get down, I + had been long ere this above the sphere of the moon with Empedocles. But I + cannot tell what a devil this means. This wine is so good and delicious, + that the more I drink thereof the more I am athirst. I believe that the + shadow of my master Pantagruel engendereth the altered and thirsty men, as + the moon doth the catarrhs and defluxions. At which word the company began + to laugh, which Pantagruel perceiving, said, Panurge, what is that which + moves you to laugh so? Sir, said he, I was telling them that these + devilish Turks are very unhappy in that they never drink one drop of wine, + and that though there were no other harm in all Mahomet’s Alcoran, + yet for this one base point of abstinence from wine which therein is + commanded, I would not submit myself unto their law. But now tell me, said + Pantagruel, how you escaped out of their hands. By G—, sir, said + Panurge, I will not lie to you in one word. + </p> + <p> + The rascally Turks had broached me upon a spit all larded like a rabbit, + for I was so dry and meagre that otherwise of my flesh they would have + made but very bad meat, and in this manner began to roast me alive. As + they were thus roasting me, I recommended myself unto the divine grace, + having in my mind the good St. Lawrence, and always hoped in God that he + would deliver me out of this torment. Which came to pass, and that very + strangely. For as I did commit myself with all my heart unto God, crying, + Lord God, help me! Lord God, save me! Lord God, take me out of this pain + and hellish torture, wherein these traitorous dogs detain me for my + sincerity in the maintenance of thy law! The roaster or turnspit fell + asleep by the divine will, or else by the virtue of some good Mercury, who + cunningly brought Argus into a sleep for all his hundred eyes. When I saw + that he did no longer turn me in roasting, I looked upon him, and + perceived that he was fast asleep. Then took I up in my teeth a firebrand + by the end where it was not burnt, and cast it into the lap of my roaster, + and another did I throw as well as I could under a field-couch that was + placed near to the chimney, wherein was the straw-bed of my master + turnspit. Presently the fire took hold in the straw, and from the straw to + the bed, and from the bed to the loft, which was planked and ceiled with + fir, after the fashion of the foot of a lamp. But the best was, that the + fire which I had cast into the lap of my paltry roaster burnt all his + groin, and was beginning to cease (seize) upon his cullions, when he + became sensible of the danger, for his smelling was not so bad but that he + felt it sooner than he could have seen daylight. Then suddenly getting up, + and in a great amazement running to the window, he cried out to the + streets as high as he could, Dal baroth, dal baroth, dal baroth, which is + as much to say as Fire, fire, fire. Incontinently turning about, he came + straight towards me to throw me quite into the fire, and to that effect + had already cut the ropes wherewith my hands were tied, and was undoing + the cords from off my feet, when the master of the house hearing him cry + Fire, and smelling the smoke from the very street where he was walking + with some other Bashaws and Mustaphas, ran with all the speed he had to + save what he could, and to carry away his jewels. Yet such was his rage, + before he could well resolve how to go about it, that he caught the broach + whereon I was spitted and therewith killed my roaster stark dead, of which + wound he died there for want of government or otherwise; for he ran him in + with the spit a little above the navel, towards the right flank, till he + pierced the third lappet of his liver, and the blow slanting upwards from + the midriff or diaphragm, through which it had made penetration, the spit + passed athwart the pericardium or capsule of his heart, and came out above + at his shoulders, betwixt the spondyls or turning joints of the chine of + the back and the left homoplat, which we call the shoulder-blade. + </p> + <p> + True it is, for I will not lie, that, in drawing the spit out of my body I + fell to the ground near unto the andirons, and so by the fall took some + hurt, which indeed had been greater, but that the lardons, or little + slices of bacon wherewith I was stuck, kept off the blow. My Bashaw then + seeing the case to be desperate, his house burnt without remission, and + all his goods lost, gave himself over unto all the devils in hell, calling + upon some of them by their names, Grilgoth, Astaroth, Rappalus, and + Gribouillis, nine several times. Which when I saw, I had above sixpence’ + worth of fear, dreading that the devils would come even then to carry away + this fool, and, seeing me so near him, would perhaps snatch me up to. I am + already, thought I, half roasted, and my lardons will be the cause of my + mischief; for these devils are very liquorous of lardons, according to the + authority which you have of the philosopher Jamblicus, and Murmault, in + the Apology of Bossutis, adulterated pro magistros nostros. But for my + better security I made the sign of the cross, crying, Hageos, athanatos, + ho theos, and none came. At which my rogue Bashaw being very much + aggrieved would, in transpiercing his heart with my spit, have killed + himself, and to that purpose had set it against his breast, but it could + not enter, because it was not sharp enough. Whereupon I perceiving that he + was not like to work upon his body the effect which he intended, although + he did not spare all the force he had to thrust it forward, came up to him + and said, Master Bugrino, thou dost here but trifle away thy time, or + rashly lose it, for thou wilt never kill thyself thus as thou doest. Well, + thou mayst hurt or bruise somewhat within thee, so as to make thee + languish all thy lifetime most pitifully amongst the hands of the + chirurgeons; but if thou wilt be counselled by me, I will kill thee clear + outright, so that thou shalt not so much as feel it, and trust me, for I + have killed a great many others, who have found themselves very well after + it. Ha, my friend, said he, I prithee do so, and for thy pains I will give + thee my codpiece (budget); take, here it is, there are six hundred seraphs + in it, and some fine diamonds and most excellent rubies. And where are + they? said Epistemon. By St. John, said Panurge, they are a good way + hence, if they always keep going. But where is the last year’s snow? + This was the greatest care that Villon the Parisian poet took. Make an + end, said Pantagruel, that we may know how thou didst dress thy Bashaw. By + the faith of an honest man, said Panurge, I do not lie in one word. I + swaddled him in a scurvy swathel-binding which I found lying there half + burnt, and with my cords tied him roister-like both hand and foot, in such + sort that he was not able to wince; then passed my spit through his + throat, and hanged him thereon, fastening the end thereof at two great + hooks or crampirons, upon which they did hang their halberds; and then, + kindling a fair fire under him, did flame you up my Milourt, as they use + to do dry herrings in a chimney. With this, taking his budget and a little + javelin that was upon the foresaid hooks, I ran away a fair gallop-rake, + and God he knows how I did smell my shoulder of mutton. + </p> + <p> + When I was come down into the street, I found everybody come to put out + the fire with store of water, and seeing me so half-roasted, they did + naturally pity my case, and threw all their water upon me, which, by a + most joyful refreshing of me, did me very much good. Then did they present + me with some victuals, but I could not eat much, because they gave me + nothing to drink but water after their fashion. Other hurt they did me + none, only one little villainous Turkey knobbreasted rogue came + thiefteously to snatch away some of my lardons, but I gave him such a + sturdy thump and sound rap on the fingers with all the weight of my + javelin, that he came no more the second time. Shortly after this there + came towards me a pretty young Corinthian wench, who brought me a boxful + of conserves, of round Mirabolan plums, called emblicks, and looked upon + my poor robin with an eye of great compassion, as it was flea-bitten and + pinked with the sparkles of the fire from whence it came, for it reached + no farther in length, believe me, than my knees. But note that this + roasting cured me entirely of a sciatica, whereunto I had been subject + above seven years before, upon that side which my roaster by falling + asleep suffered to be burnt. + </p> + <p> + Now, whilst they were thus busy about me, the fire triumphed, never ask + how? For it took hold on above two thousand houses, which one of them + espying cried out, saying, By Mahoom’s belly, all the city is on + fire, and we do nevertheless stand gazing here, without offering to make + any relief. Upon this everyone ran to save his own; for my part, I took my + way towards the gate. When I was got upon the knap of a little hillock not + far off, I turned me about as did Lot’s wife, and, looking back, saw + all the city burning in a fair fire, whereat I was so glad that I had + almost beshit myself for joy. But God punished me well for it. How? said + Pantagruel. Thus, said Panurge; for when with pleasure I beheld this jolly + fire, jesting with myself, and saying—Ha! poor flies, ha! poor mice, + you will have a bad winter of it this year; the fire is in your reeks, it + is in your bed-straw—out come more than six, yea, more than thirteen + hundred and eleven dogs, great and small, altogether out of the town, + flying away from the fire. At the first approach they ran all upon me, + being carried on by the scent of my lecherous half-roasted flesh, and had + even then devoured me in a trice, if my good angel had not well inspired + me with the instruction of a remedy very sovereign against the toothache. + And wherefore, said Pantagruel, wert thou afraid of the toothache or pain + of the teeth? Wert thou not cured of thy rheums? By Palm Sunday, said + Panurge, is there any greater pain of the teeth than when the dogs have + you by the legs? But on a sudden, as my good angel directed me, I thought + upon my lardons, and threw them into the midst of the field amongst them. + Then did the dogs run, and fight with one another at fair teeth which + should have the lardons. By this means they left me, and I left them also + bustling with and hairing one another. Thus did I escape frolic and lively, + gramercy roastmeat and cookery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0015" id="link22HCH0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.XV.—How Panurge showed a very new way to build the walls + of Paris. + </h2> + <p> + Pantagruel one day, to refresh himself of his study, went a-walking + towards St. Marcel’s suburbs, to see the extravagancy of the + Gobeline building, and to taste of their spiced bread. Panurge was with + him, having always a flagon under his gown and a good slice of a gammon of + bacon; for without this he never went, saying that it was as a yeoman of + the guard to him, to preserve his body from harm. Other sword carried he + none; and, when Pantagruel would have given him one, he answered that he + needed none, for that it would but heat his milt. Yea but, said Epistemon, + if thou shouldst be set upon, how wouldst thou defend thyself? With great + buskinades or brodkin blows, answered he, provided thrusts were forbidden. + At their return, Panurge considered the walls of the city of Paris, and in + derision said to Pantagruel, See what fair walls here are! O how strong + they are, and well fitted to keep geese in a mew or coop to fatten them! + By my beard, they are competently scurvy for such a city as this is; for a + cow with one fart would go near to overthrow above six fathoms of them. O + my friend, said Pantagruel, dost thou know what Agesilaus said when he was + asked why the great city of Lacedaemon was not enclosed with walls? Lo + here, said he, the walls of the city! in showing them the inhabitants and + citizens thereof, so strong, so well armed, and so expert in military + discipline; signifying thereby that there is no wall but of bones, and + that towns and cities cannot have a surer wall nor better fortification + than the prowess and virtue of the citizens and inhabitants. So is this + city so strong, by the great number of warlike people that are in it, that + they care not for making any other walls. Besides, whosoever would go + about to wall it, as Strasbourg, Orleans, or Ferrara, would find it almost + impossible, the cost and charges would be so excessive. Yea but, said + Panurge, it is good, nevertheless, to have an outside of stone when we are + invaded by our enemies, were it but to ask, Who is below there? As for the + enormous expense which you say would be needful for undertaking the great + work of walling this city about, if the gentlemen of the town will be + pleased to give me a good rough cup of wine, I will show them a pretty, + strange, and new way, how they may build them good cheap. How? said + Pantagruel. Do not speak of it then, answered Panurge, and I will tell it + you. I see that the sine quo nons, kallibistris, or contrapunctums of the + women of this country are better cheap than stones. Of them should the + walls be built, ranging them in good symmetry by the rules of + architecture, and placing the largest in the first ranks, then sloping + downwards ridge-wise, like the back of an ass. The middle-sized ones must + be ranked next, and last of all the least and smallest. This done, there + must be a fine little interlacing of them, like points of diamonds, as is + to be seen in the great tower of Bourges, with a like number of the + nudinnudos, nilnisistandos, and stiff bracmards, that dwell in amongst the + claustral codpieces. What devil were able to overthrow such walls? There + is no metal like it to resist blows, in so far that, if culverin-shot + should come to graze upon it, you would incontinently see distil from + thence the blessed fruit of the great pox as small as rain. Beware, in the + name of the devils, and hold off. Furthermore, no thunderbolt or lightning + would fall upon it. For why? They are all either blest or consecrated. I + see but one inconveniency in it. Ho, ho, ha, ha, ha! said Pantagruel, and + what is that? It is, that the flies would be so liquorish of them that you + would wonder, and would quickly gather there together, and there leave + their ordure and excretions, and so all the work would be spoiled. But see + how that might be remedied: they must be wiped and made rid of the flies + with fair foxtails, or great good viedazes, which are ass-pizzles, of + Provence. And to this purpose I will tell you, as we go to supper, a brave + example set down by Frater Lubinus, Libro de compotationibus mendicantium. + </p> + <p> + In the time that the beasts did speak, which is not yet three days since, + a poor lion, walking through the forest of Bieure, and saying his own + little private devotions, passed under a tree where there was a roguish + collier gotten up to cut down wood, who, seeing the lion, cast his hatchet + at him and wounded him enormously in one of his legs; whereupon the lion + halting, he so long toiled and turmoiled himself in roaming up and down + the forest to find help, that at last he met with a carpenter, who + willingly looked upon his wound, cleansed it as well as he could, and + filled it with moss, telling him that he must wipe his wound well that the + flies might not do their excrements in it, whilst he should go search for + some yarrow or millefoil, commonly called the carpenter’s herb. The + lion, being thus healed, walked along in the forest at what time a + sempiternous crone and old hag was picking up and gathering some sticks in + the said forest, who, seeing the lion coming towards her, for fear fell + down backwards, in such sort that the wind blew up her gown, coats, and + smock, even as far as above her shoulders; which the lion perceiving, for + pity ran to see whether she had taken any hurt by the fall, and thereupon + considering her how do you call it, said, O poor woman, who hath thus + wounded thee? Which words when he had spoken, he espied a fox, whom he + called to come to him saying, Gossip Reynard, hau, hither, hither, and for + cause! When the fox was come, he said unto him, My gossip and friend, they + have hurt this good woman here between the legs most villainously, and + there is a manifest solution of continuity. See how great a wound it is, + even from the tail up to the navel, in measure four, nay full five + handfuls and a half. This is the blow of a hatchet, I doubt me; it is an + old wound, and therefore, that the flies may not get into it, wipe it + lustily well and hard, I prithee, both within and without; thou hast a + good tail, and long. Wipe, my friend, wipe, I beseech thee, and in the + meanwhile I will go get some moss to put into it; for thus ought we to + succour and help one another. Wipe it hard, thus, my friend; wipe it well, + for this wound must be often wiped, otherwise the party cannot be at ease. + Go to, wipe well, my little gossip, wipe; God hath furnished thee with a + tail; thou hast a long one, and of a bigness proportionable; wipe hard, + and be not weary. A good wiper, who, in wiping continually, wipeth with + his wipard, by wasps shall never be wounded. Wipe, my pretty minion; wipe, + my little bully; I will not stay long. Then went he to get store of moss; + and when he was a little way off, he cried out in speaking to the fox + thus, Wipe well still, gossip, wipe, and let it never grieve thee to wipe + well, my little gossip; I will put thee into service to be wiper to Don + Pedro de Castile; wipe, only wipe, and no more. The poor fox wiped as hard + as he could, here and there, within and without; but the false old trot + did so fizzle and fist that she stunk like a hundred devils, which put the + poor fox to a great deal of ill ease, for he knew not to what side to turn + himself to escape the unsavoury perfume of this old woman’s postern + blasts. And whilst to that effect he was shifting hither and thither, + without knowing how to shun the annoyance of those unwholesome gusts, he + saw that behind there was yet another hole, not so great as that which he + did wipe, out of which came this filthy and infectious air. The lion at + last returned, bringing with him of moss more than eighteen packs would + hold, and began to put into the wound with a staff which he had provided + for that purpose, and had already put in full sixteen packs and a half, at + which he was amazed. What a devil! said he, this wound is very deep; it + would hold above two cartloads of moss. The fox, perceiving this, said + unto the lion, O gossip lion, my friend, I pray thee do not put in all thy + moss there; keep somewhat, for there is yet here another little hole, that + stinks like five hundred devils; I am almost choked with the smell + thereof, it is so pestiferous and empoisoning. + </p> + <p> + Thus must these walls be kept from the flies, and wages allowed to some + for wiping of them. Then said Pantagruel, How dost thou know that the + privy parts of women are at such a cheap rate? For in this city there are + many virtuous, honest, and chaste women besides the maids. Et ubi prenus? + said Panurge. I will give you my opinion of it, and that upon certain and + assured knowledge. I do not brag that I have bumbasted four hundred and + seventeen since I came into this city, though it be but nine days ago; but + this very morning I met with a good fellow, who, in a wallet such as Aesop’s + was, carried two little girls of two or three years old at the most, one + before and the other behind. He demanded alms of me, but I made him answer + that I had more cods than pence. Afterwards I asked him, Good man, these + two girls, are they maids? Brother, said he, I have carried them thus + these two years, and in regard of her that is before, whom I see + continually, in my opinion she is a virgin, nevertheless I will not put my + finger in the fire for it; as for her that is behind, doubtless I can say + nothing. + </p> + <p> + Indeed, said Pantagruel, thou art a gentle companion; I will have thee to + be apparelled in my livery. And therefore caused him to be clothed most + gallantly according to the fashion that then was, only that Panurge would + have the codpiece of his breeches three foot long, and in shape square, + not round; which was done, and was well worth the seeing. Oftentimes was + he wont to say, that the world had not yet known the emolument and utility + that is in wearing great codpieces; but time would one day teach it them, + as all things have been invented in time. God keep from hurt, said he, the + good fellow whose long codpiece or braguet hath saved his life! God keep + from hurt him whose long braguet hath been worth to him in one day one + hundred threescore thousand and nine crowns! God keep from hurt him who by + his long braguet hath saved a whole city from dying by famine! And, by G-, + I will make a book of the commodity of long braguets when I shall have + more leisure. And indeed he composed a fair great book with figures, but + it is not printed as yet that I know of. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0016" id="link22HCH0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.XVI.—Of the qualities and conditions of Panurge. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link2image-0007" id="link2image-0007"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/2-16-168.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Laid a Train of Gunpowder--2-16-168" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + Panurge was of a middle stature, not too high nor too low, and had + somewhat an aquiline nose, made like the handle of a razor. He was at that + time five and thirty years old or thereabouts, fine to gild like a leaden + dagger—for he was a notable cheater and coney-catcher—he was a + very gallant and proper man of his person, only that he was a little + lecherous, and naturally subject to a kind of disease which at that time + they called lack of money—it is an incomparable grief, yet, + notwithstanding, he had three score and three tricks to come by it at his + need, of which the most honourable and most ordinary was in manner of + thieving, secret purloining and filching, for he was a wicked lewd rogue, + a cozener, drinker, roister, rover, and a very dissolute and debauched + fellow, if there were any in Paris; otherwise, and in all matters else, + the best and most virtuous man in the world; and he was still contriving + some plot, and devising mischief against the sergeants and the watch. + </p> + <p> + At one time he assembled three or four especial good hacksters and roaring + boys, made them in the evening drink like Templars, afterwards led them + till they came under St. Genevieve, or about the college of Navarre, and, + at the hour that the watch was coming up that way—which he knew by + putting his sword upon the pavement, and his ear by it, and, when he heard + his sword shake, it was an infallible sign that the watch was near at that + instant—then he and his companions took a tumbrel or dung-cart, and + gave it the brangle, hurling it with all their force down the hill, and so + overthrew all the poor watchmen like pigs, and then ran away upon the + other side; for in less than two days he knew all the streets, lanes, and + turnings in Paris as well as his Deus det. + </p> + <p> + At another time he made in some fair place, where the said watch was to + pass, a train of gunpowder, and, at the very instant that they went along, + set fire to it, and then made himself sport to see what good grace they + had in running away, thinking that St. Anthony’s fire had caught + them by the legs. As for the poor masters of arts, he did persecute them + above all others. When he encountered with any of them upon the street, he + would not never fail to put some trick or other upon them, sometimes + putting the bit of a fried turd in their graduate hoods, at other times + pinning on little foxtails or hares’-ears behind them, or some such + other roguish prank. One day that they were appointed all to meet in the + Fodder Street (Sorbonne), he made a Borbonesa tart, or filthy and slovenly + compound, made of store of garlic, of assafoetida, of castoreum, of dogs’ + turds very warm, which he steeped, tempered, and liquefied in the corrupt + matter of pocky boils and pestiferous botches; and, very early in the + morning therewith anointed all the pavement, in such sort that the devil + could not have endured it, which made all these good people there to lay + up their gorges, and vomit what was upon their stomachs before all the + world, as if they had flayed the fox; and ten or twelve of them died of + the plague, fourteen became lepers, eighteen grew lousy, and about seven + and twenty had the pox, but he did not care a button for it. He commonly + carried a whip under his gown, wherewith he whipped without remission the + pages whom he found carrying wine to their masters, to make them mend + their pace. In his coat he had above six and twenty little fobs and + pockets always full; one with some lead-water, and a little knife as sharp + as a glover’s needle, wherewith he used to cut purses; another with + some kind of bitter stuff, which he threw into the eyes of those he met; + another with clotburrs, penned with little geese’ or capon’s + feathers, which he cast upon the gowns and caps of honest people, and + often made them fair horns, which they wore about all the city, sometimes + all their life. Very often, also, upon the women’s French hoods + would he stick in the hind part somewhat made in the shape of a man’s + member. In another, he had a great many little horns full of fleas and + lice, which he borrowed from the beggars of St. Innocent, and cast them + with small canes or quills to write with into the necks of the daintiest + gentlewomen that he could find, yea, even in the church, for he never + seated himself above in the choir, but always sat in the body of the + church amongst the women, both at mass, at vespers, and at sermon. In + another, he used to have good store of hooks and buckles, wherewith he + would couple men and women together that sat in company close to one + another, but especially those that wore gowns of crimson taffeties, that, + when they were about to go away, they might rend all their gowns. In + another, he had a squib furnished with tinder, matches, stones to strike + fire, and all other tackling necessary for it. In another, two or three + burning glasses, wherewith he made both men and women sometimes mad, and + in the church put them quite out of countenance; for he said that there + was but an antistrophe, or little more difference than of a literal + inversion, between a woman folle a la messe and molle a la fesse, that is, + foolish at the mass and of a pliant buttock. + </p> + <p> + In another, he had a good deal of needles and thread, wherewith he did a + thousand little devilish pranks. One time, at the entry of the palace unto + the great hall, where a certain grey friar or cordelier was to say mass to + the counsellors, he did help to apparel him and put on his vestments, but + in the accoutring of him he sewed on his alb, surplice, or stole, to his + gown and shirt, and then withdrew himself when the said lords of the court + or counsellors came to hear the said mass; but when it came to the Ite, + missa est, that the poor frater would have laid by his stole or surplice, + as the fashion then was, he plucked off withal both his frock and shirt, + which were well sewed together, and thereby stripping himself up to the + very shoulders showed his bel vedere to all the world, together with his + Don Cypriano, which was no small one, as you may imagine. And the friar + still kept haling, but so much the more did he discover himself and lay + open his back parts, till one of the lords of the court said, How now! + what’s the matter? Will this fair father make us here an offering of + his tail to kiss it? Nay, St. Anthony’s fire kiss it for us! From + thenceforth it was ordained that the poor fathers should never disrobe + themselves any more before the world, but in their vestry-room, or sextry, + as they call it; especially in the presence of women, lest it should tempt + them to the sin of longing and disordinate desire. The people then asked + why it was the friars had so long and large genitories? The said Panurge + resolved the problem very neatly, saying, That which makes asses to have + such great ears is that their dams did put no biggins on their heads, as + Alliaco mentioneth in his Suppositions. By the like reason, that which + makes the genitories or generation-tools of those so fair fraters so long + is, for that they wear no bottomed breeches, and therefore their jolly + member, having no impediment, hangeth dangling at liberty as far as it can + reach, with a wiggle-waggle down to their knees, as women carry their + paternoster beads. and the cause wherefore they have it so correspondently + great is, that in this constant wig-wagging the humours of the body + descend into the said member. For, according to the Legists, agitation and + continual motion is cause of attraction. + </p> + <p> + Item, he had another pocket full of itching powder, called stone-alum, + whereof he would cast some into the backs of those women whom he judged to + be most beautiful and stately, which did so ticklishly gall them, that + some would strip themselves in the open view of the world, and others + dance like a cock upon hot embers, or a drumstick on a tabor. Others, + again, ran about the streets, and he would run after them. To such as were + in the stripping vein he would very civilly come to offer his attendance, + and cover them with his cloak, like a courteous and very gracious man. + </p> + <p> + Item, in another he had a little leather bottle full of old oil, + wherewith, when he saw any man or woman in a rich new handsome suit, he + would grease, smutch, and spoil all the best parts of it under colour and + pretence of touching them, saying, This is good cloth; this is good satin; + good taffeties! Madam, God give you all that your noble heart desireth! + You have a new suit, pretty sir;—and you a new gown, sweet mistress;—God + give you joy of it, and maintain you in all prosperity! And with this + would lay his hand upon their shoulder, at which touch such a villainous + spot was left behind, so enormously engraven to perpetuity in the very + soul, body, and reputation, that the devil himself could never have taken + it away. Then, upon his departing, he would say, Madam, take heed you do + not fall, for there is a filthy great hole before you, whereinto if you + put your foot, you will quite spoil yourself. + </p> + <p> + Another he had all full of euphorbium, very finely pulverized. In that + powder did he lay a fair handkerchief curiously wrought, which he had + stolen from a pretty seamstress of the palace, in taking away a louse from + off her bosom which he had put there himself, and, when he came into the + company of some good ladies, he would trifle them into a discourse of some + fine workmanship of bone-lace, then immediately put his hand into their + bosom, asking them, And this work, is it of Flanders, or of Hainault? and + then drew out his handkerchief, and said, Hold, hold, look what work here + is, it is of Foutignan or of Fontarabia, and shaking it hard at their + nose, made them sneeze for four hours without ceasing. In the meanwhile he + would fart like a horse, and the women would laugh and say, How now, do + you fart, Panurge? No, no, madam, said he, I do but tune my tail to the + plain song of the music which you make with your nose. In another he had a + picklock, a pelican, a crampiron, a crook, and some other iron tools, + wherewith there was no door nor coffer which he would not pick open. He + had another full of little cups, wherewith he played very artificially, + for he had his fingers made to his hand, like those of Minerva or Arachne, + and had heretofore cried treacle. And when he changed a teston, cardecu, + or any other piece of money, the changer had been more subtle than a fox + if Panurge had not at every time made five or six sols (that is, some six + or seven pence,) vanish away invisibly, openly, and manifestly, without + making any hurt or lesion, whereof the changer should have felt nothing + but the wind. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0017" id="link22HCH0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.XVII.—How Panurge gained the pardons, and married the old + women, and of the suit in law which he had at Paris. + </h2> + <p> + One day I found Panurge very much out of countenance, melancholic, and + silent; which made me suspect that he had no money; whereupon I said unto + him, Panurge, you are sick, as I do very well perceive by your + physiognomy, and I know the disease. You have a flux in your purse; but + take no care. I have yet sevenpence halfpenny that never saw father nor + mother, which shall not be wanting, no more than the pox, in your + necessity. Whereunto he answered me, Well, well; for money one day I shall + have but too much, for I have a philosopher’s stone which attracts + money out of men’s purses as the adamant doth iron. But will you go + with me to gain the pardons? said he. By my faith, said I, I am no great + pardon-taker in this world—if I shall be any such in the other, I + cannot tell; yet let us go, in God’s name; it is but one farthing + more or less; But, said he, lend me then a farthing upon interest. No, no, + said I; I will give it you freely, and from my heart. Grates vobis + dominos, said he. + </p> + <p> + So we went along, beginning at St. Gervase, and I got the pardons at the + first box only, for in those matters very little contenteth me. Then did I + say my small suffrages and the prayers of St. Brigid; but he gained them + all at the boxes, and always gave money to everyone of the pardoners. From + thence we went to Our Lady’s Church, to St. John’s, to St. + Anthony’s, and so to the other churches, where there was a banquet + (bank) of pardons. For my part, I gained no more of them, but he at all + the boxes kissed the relics, and gave at everyone. To be brief, when we + were returned, he brought me to drink at the castle-tavern, and there + showed me ten or twelve of his little bags full of money, at which I + blessed myself, and made the sign of the cross, saying, Where have you + recovered so much money in so little time? Unto which he answered me that + he had taken it out of the basins of the pardons. For in giving them the + first farthing, said he, I put it in with such sleight of hand and so + dexterously that it appeared to be a threepence; thus with one hand I took + threepence, ninepence, or sixpence at the least, and with the other as + much, and so through all the churches where we have been. Yea but, said I, + you damn yourself like a snake, and are withal a thief and sacrilegious + person. True, said he, in your opinion, but I am not of that mind; for the + pardoners do give me it, when they say unto me in presenting the relics to + kiss, Centuplum accipies, that is, that for one penny I should take a + hundred; for accipies is spoken according to the manner of the Hebrews, + who use the future tense instead of the imperative, as you have in the + law, Diliges Dominum, that is, Dilige. Even so, when the pardon-bearer + says to me, Centuplum accipies, his meaning is, Centuplum accipe; and so + doth Rabbi Kimy and Rabbi Aben Ezra expound it, and all the Massorets, et + ibi Bartholus. Moreover, Pope Sixtus gave me fifteen hundred francs of + yearly pension, which in English money is a hundred and fifty pounds, upon + his ecclesiastical revenues and treasure, for having cured him of a + cankerous botch, which did so torment him that he thought to have been a + cripple by it all his life. Thus I do pay myself at my own hand, for + otherwise I get nothing upon the said ecclesiastical treasure. Ho, my + friend! said he, if thou didst know what advantage I made, and how well I + feathered my nest, by the Pope’s bull of the crusade, thou wouldst + wonder exceedingly. It was worth to me above six thousand florins, in + English coin six hundred pounds. And what a devil is become of them? said + I; for of that money thou hast not one halfpenny. They returned from + whence they came, said he; they did no more but change their master. + </p> + <p> + But I employed at least three thousand of them, that is, three hundred + pounds English, in marrying—not young virgins, for they find but too + many husbands—but great old sempiternous trots which had not so much + as one tooth in their heads; and that out of the consideration I had that + these good old women had very well spent the time of their youth in + playing at the close-buttock game to all comers, serving the foremost + first, till no man would have any more dealing with them. And, by G—, + I will have their skin-coat shaken once yet before they die. By this + means, to one I gave a hundred florins, to another six score, to another + three hundred, according to that they were infamous, detestable, and + abominable. For, by how much the more horrible and execrable they were, so + much the more must I needs have given them, otherwise the devil would not + have jummed them. Presently I went to some great and fat wood-porter, or + such like, and did myself make the match. But, before I did show him the + old hags, I made a fair muster to him of the crowns, saying, Good fellow, + see what I will give thee if thou wilt but condescend to duffle, + dinfredaille, or lecher it one good time. Then began the poor rogues to + gape like old mules, and I caused to be provided for them a banquet, with + drink of the best, and store of spiceries, to put the old women in rut and + heat of lust. To be short, they occupied all, like good souls; only, to + those that were horribly ugly and ill-favoured, I caused their head to be + put within a bag, to hide their face. + </p> + <p> + Besides all this, I have lost a great deal in suits of law. And what + lawsuits couldst thou have? said I; thou hast neither house nor lands. My + friend, said he, the gentlewomen of this city had found out, by the + instigation of the devil of hell, a manner of high-mounted bands and + neckerchiefs for women, which did so closely cover their bosoms that men + could no more put their hands under. For they had put the slit behind, and + those neckcloths were wholly shut before, whereat the poor sad + contemplative lovers were much discontented. Upon a fair Tuesday I + presented a petition to the court, making myself a party against the said + gentlewomen, and showing the great interest that I pretended therein, + protesting that by the same reason I would cause the codpiece of my + breeches to be sewed behind, if the court would not take order for it. In + sum, the gentlewomen put in their defences, showing the grounds they went + upon, and constituted their attorney for the prosecuting of the cause. But + I pursued them so vigorously, that by a sentence of the court it was + decreed those high neckcloths should be no longer worn if they were not a + little cleft and open before; but it cost me a good sum of money. I had + another very filthy and beastly process against the dung-farmer called + Master Fifi and his deputies, that they should no more read privily the + pipe, puncheon, nor quart of sentences, but in fair full day, and that in + the Fodder schools, in face of the Arrian (Artitian) sophisters, where I + was ordained to pay the charges, by reason of some clause mistaken in the + relation of the sergeant. Another time I framed a complaint to the court + against the mules of the presidents, counsellors, and others, tending to + this purpose, that, when in the lower court of the palace they left them + to champ on their bridles, some bibs were made for them (by the + counsellors’ wives), that with their drivelling they might not spoil + the pavement; to the end that the pages of the palace what play upon it + with their dice, or at the game of coxbody, at their own ease, without + spoiling their breeches at the knees. And for this I had a fair decree, + but it cost me dear. Now reckon up what expense I was at in little + banquets which from day to day I made to the pages of the palace. And to + what end? said I. My friend, said he, thou hast no pastime at all in this + world. I have more than the king, and if thou wilt join thyself with me, + we will do the devil together. No, no, said I; by St. Adauras, that will I + not, for thou wilt be hanged one time or another. And thou, said he, wilt + be interred some time or other. Now which is most honourable, the air or + the earth? Ho, grosse pecore! + </p> + <p> + Whilst the pages are at their banqueting, I keep their mules, and to + someone I cut the stirrup-leather of the mounting side till it hang but by + a thin strap or thread, that when the great puffguts of the counsellor or + some other hath taken his swing to get up, he may fall flat on his side + like a pork, and so furnish the spectators with more than a hundred francs’ + worth of laughter. But I laugh yet further to think how at his home-coming + the master-page is to be whipped like green rye, which makes me not to + repent what I have bestowed in feasting them. In brief, he had, as I said + before, three score and three ways to acquire money, but he had two + hundred and fourteen to spend it, besides his drinking. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0018" id="link22HCH0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.XVIII.—How a great scholar of England would have argued + against Pantagruel, and was overcome by Panurge. + </h2> + <p> + In that same time a certain learned man named Thaumast, hearing the fame + and renown of Pantagruel’s incomparable knowledge, came out of his + own country of England with an intent only to see him, to try thereby and + prove whether his knowledge in effect was so great as it was reported to + be. In this resolution being arrived at Paris, he went forthwith unto the + house of the said Pantagruel, who was lodged in the palace of St. Denis, + and was then walking in the garden thereof with Panurge, philosophizing + after the fashion of the Peripatetics. At his first entrance he startled, + and was almost out of his wits for fear, seeing him so great and so tall. + Then did he salute him courteously as the manner is, and said unto him, + Very true it is, saith Plato the prince of philosophers, that if the image + and knowledge of wisdom were corporeal and visible to the eyes of mortals, + it would stir up all the world to admire her. Which we may the rather + believe that the very bare report thereof, scattered in the air, if it + happen to be received into the ears of men, who, for being studious and + lovers of virtuous things are called philosophers, doth not suffer them to + sleep nor rest in quiet, but so pricketh them up and sets them on fire to + run unto the place where the person is, in whom the said knowledge is said + to have built her temple and uttered her oracles. As it was manifestly + shown unto us in the Queen of Sheba, who came from the utmost borders of + the East and Persian Sea, to see the order of Solomon’s house and to + hear his wisdom; in Anacharsis, who came out of Scythia, even unto Athens, + to see Solon; in Pythagoras, who travelled far to visit the memphitical + vaticinators; in Plato, who went a great way off to see the magicians of + Egypt, and Architus of Tarentum; in Apollonius Tyaneus, who went as far as + unto Mount Caucasus, passed along the Scythians, the Massagetes, the + Indians, and sailed over the great river Phison, even to the Brachmans to + see Hiarchus; as likewise unto Babylon, Chaldea, Media, Assyria, Parthia, + Syria, Phoenicia, Arabia, Palestina, and Alexandria, even unto Aethiopia, + to see the Gymnosophists. The like example have we of Titus Livius, whom + to see and hear divers studious persons came to Rome from the confines of + France and Spain. I dare not reckon myself in the number of those so + excellent persons, but well would be called studious, and a lover, not + only of learning, but of learned men also. And indeed, having heard the + report of your so inestimable knowledge, I have left my country, my + friends, my kindred, and my house, and am come thus far, valuing at + nothing the length of the way, the tediousness of the sea, nor strangeness + of the land, and that only to see you and to confer with you about some + passages in philosophy, of geomancy, and of the cabalistic art, whereof I + am doubtful and cannot satisfy my mind; which if you can resolve, I yield + myself unto you for a slave henceforward, together with all my posterity, + for other gift have I none that I can esteem a recompense sufficient for + so great a favour. I will reduce them into writing, and to-morrow publish + them to all the learned men in the city, that we may dispute publicly + before them. + </p> + <p> + But see in what manner I mean that we shall dispute. I will not argue pro + et contra, as do the sottish sophisters of this town and other places. + Likewise I will not dispute after the manner of the Academics by + declamation; nor yet by numbers, as Pythagoras was wont to do, and as + Picus de la Mirandula did of late at Rome. But I will dispute by signs + only without speaking, for the matters are so abstruse, hard, and arduous, + that words proceeding from the mouth of man will never be sufficient for + unfolding of them to my liking. May it, therefore, please your + magnificence to be there; it shall be at the great hall of Navarre at + seven o’clock in the morning. When he had spoken these words, + Pantagruel very honourably said unto him: Sir, of the graces that God hath + bestowed upon me, I would not deny to communicate unto any man to my + power. For whatever comes from him is good, and his pleasure is that it + should be increased when we come amongst men worthy and fit to receive + this celestial manna of honest literature. In which number, because that + in this time, as I do already very plainly perceive, thou holdest the + first rank, I give thee notice that at all hours thou shalt find me ready + to condescend to every one of thy requests according to my poor ability; + although I ought rather to learn of thee than thou of me. But, as thou + hast protested, we will confer of these doubts together, and will seek out + the resolution, even unto the bottom of that undrainable well where + Heraclitus says the truth lies hidden. And I do highly commend the manner + of arguing which thou hast proposed, to wit, by signs without speaking; + for by this means thou and I shall understand one another well enough, and + yet shall be free from this clapping of hands which these blockish + sophisters make when any of the arguers hath gotten the better of the + argument. Now to-morrow I will not fail to meet thee at the place and hour + that thou hast appointed, but let me entreat thee that there be not any + strife or uproar between us, and that we seek not the honour and applause + of men, but the truth only. To which Thaumast answered: The Lord God + maintain you in his favour and grace, and, instead of my thankfulness to + you, pour down his blessings upon you, for that your highness and + magnificent greatness hath not disdained to descend to the grant of the + request of my poor baseness. So farewell till to-morrow! Farewell, said + Pantagruel. + </p> + <p> + Gentlemen, you that read this present discourse, think not that ever men + were more elevated and transported in their thoughts than all this night + were both Thaumast and Pantagruel; for the said Thaumast said to the + keeper of the house of Cluny, where he was lodged, that in all his life he + had never known himself so dry as he was that night. I think, said he, + that Pantagruel held me by the throat. Give order, I pray you, that we may + have some drink, and see that some fresh water be brought to us, to gargle + my palate. On the other side, Pantagruel stretched his wits as high as he + could, entering into very deep and serious meditations, and did nothing + all that night but dote upon and turn over the book of Beda, De numeris et + signis; Plotin’s book, De inenarrabilibus; the book of Proclus, De + magia; the book of Artemidorus peri Oneirokritikon; of Anaxagoras, peri + Zemeion; Dinarius, peri Aphaton; the books of Philiston; Hipponax, peri + Anekphoneton, and a rabble of others, so long, that Panurge said unto him: + </p> + <p> + My lord, leave all these thoughts and go to bed; for I perceive your + spirits to be so troubled by a too intensive bending of them, that you may + easily fall into some quotidian fever with this so excessive thinking and + plodding. But, having first drunk five and twenty or thirty good draughts, + retire yourself and sleep your fill, for in the morning I will argue + against and answer my master the Englishman, and if I drive him not ad + metam non loqui, then call me knave. Yea but, said he, my friend Panurge, + he is marvellously learned; how wilt thou be able to answer him? Very + well, answered Panurge; I pray you talk no more of it, but let me alone. + Is any man so learned as the devils are? No, indeed, said Pantagruel, + without God’s especial grace. Yet for all that, said Panurge, I have + argued against them, gravelled and blanked them in disputation, and laid + them so squat upon their tails that I have made them look like monkeys. + Therefore be assured that to-morrow I will make this vain-glorious + Englishman to skite vinegar before all the world. So Panurge spent the + night with tippling amongst the pages, and played away all the points of + his breeches at primus secundus and at peck point, in French called La + Vergette. Yet, when the condescended on time was come, he failed not to + conduct his master Pantagruel to the appointed place, unto which, believe + me, there was neither great nor small in Paris but came, thinking with + themselves that this devilish Pantagruel, who had overthrown and + vanquished in dispute all these doting fresh-water sophisters, would now + get full payment and be tickled to some purpose. For this Englishman is a + terrible bustler and horrible coil-keeper. We will see who will be + conqueror, for he never met with his match before. + </p> + <p> + Thus all being assembled, Thaumast stayed for them, and then, when + Pantagruel and Panurge came into the hall, all the schoolboys, professors + of arts, senior sophisters, and bachelors began to clap their hands, as + their scurvy custom is. But Pantagruel cried out with a loud voice, as if + it had been the sound of a double cannon, saying, Peace, with a devil to + you, peace! By G—, you rogues, if you trouble me here, I will cut + off the heads of everyone of you. At which words they remained all daunted + and astonished like so many ducks, and durst not do so much as cough, + although they had swallowed fifteen pounds of feathers. Withal they grew + so dry with this only voice, that they laid out their tongues a full half + foot beyond their mouths, as if Pantagruel had salted all their throats. + Then began Panurge to speak, saying to the Englishman, Sir, are you come + hither to dispute contentiously in those propositions you have set down, + or, otherwise, but to learn and know the truth? To which answered + Thaumast, Sir, no other thing brought me hither but the great desire I had + to learn and to know that of which I have doubted all my life long, and + have neither found book nor man able to content me in the resolution of + those doubts which I have proposed. And, as for disputing contentiously, I + will not do it, for it is too base a thing, and therefore leave it to + those sottish sophisters who in their disputes do not search for the + truth, but for contradiction only and debate. Then said Panurge, If I, who + am but a mean and inconsiderable disciple of my master my lord Pantagruel, + content and satisfy you in all and everything, it were a thing below my + said master wherewith to trouble him. Therefore is it fitter that he be + chairman, and sit as a judge and moderator of our discourse and purpose, + and give you satisfaction in many things wherein perhaps I shall be + wanting to your expectation. Truly, said Thaumast, it is very well said; + begin then. Now you must note that Panurge had set at the end of his long + codpiece a pretty tuft of red silk, as also of white, green, and blue, and + within it had put a fair orange. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0019" id="link22HCH0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.XIX.—How Panurge put to a nonplus the Englishman that + argued by signs. + </h2> + <p> + Everybody then taking heed, and hearkening with great silence, the + Englishman lift up on high into the air his two hands severally, clunching + in all the tops of his fingers together, after the manner which, a la + Chinonnese, they call the hen’s arse, and struck the one hand on the + other by the nails four several times. Then he, opening them, struck the + one with the flat of the other till it yielded a clashing noise, and that + only once. Again, in joining them as before, he struck twice, and + afterwards four times in opening them. Then did he lay them joined, and + extended the one towards the other, as if he had been devoutly to send up + his prayers unto God. Panurge suddenly lifted up in the air his right + hand, and put the thumb thereof into the nostril of the same side, holding + his four fingers straight out, and closed orderly in a parallel line to + the point of his nose, shutting the left eye wholly, and making the other + wink with a profound depression of the eyebrows and eyelids. Then lifted + he up his left hand, with hard wringing and stretching forth his four + fingers and elevating his thumb, which he held in a line directly + correspondent to the situation of his right hand, with the distance of a + cubit and a half between them. This done, in the same form he abased + towards the ground about the one and the other hand. Lastly, he held them + in the midst, as aiming right at the Englishman’s nose. And if + Mercury,—said the Englishman. There Panurge interrupted him, and + said, You have spoken, Mask. + </p> + <p> + Then made the Englishman this sign. His left hand all open he lifted up + into the air, then instantly shut into his fist the four fingers thereof, + and his thumb extended at length he placed upon the gristle of his nose. + Presently after, he lifted up his right hand all open, and all open abased + and bent it downwards, putting the thumb thereof in the very place where + the little finger of the left hand did close in the fist, and the four + right-hand fingers he softly moved in the air. Then contrarily he did with + the right hand what he had done with the left, and with the left what he + had done with the right. + </p> + <p> + Panurge, being not a whit amazed at this, drew out into the air his + trismegist codpiece with the left hand, and with his right drew forth a + truncheon of a white ox-rib, and two pieces of wood of a like form, one of + black ebony and the other of incarnation brasil, and put them betwixt the + fingers of that hand in good symmetry; then, knocking them together, made + such a noise as the lepers of Brittany use to do with their clappering + clickets, yet better resounding and far more harmonious, and with his + tongue contracted in his mouth did very merrily warble it, always looking + fixedly upon the Englishman. The divines, physicians, and chirurgeons that + were there thought that by this sign he would have inferred that the + Englishman was a leper. The counsellors, lawyers, and decretalists + conceived that by doing this he would have concluded some kind of mortal + felicity to consist in leprosy, as the Lord maintained heretofore. + </p> + <p> + The Englishman for all this was nothing daunted, but holding up his two + hands in the air, kept them in such form that he closed the three + master-fingers in his fist, and passing his thumbs through his indical or + foremost and middle fingers, his auriculary or little fingers remained + extended and stretched out, and so presented he them to Panurge. Then + joined he them so that the right thumb touched the left, and the left + little finger touched the right. Hereat Panurge, without speaking one + word, lift up his hands and made this sign. + </p> + <p> + He put the nail of the forefinger of his left hand to the nail of the + thumb of the same, making in the middle of the distance as it were a + buckle, and of his right hand shut up all the fingers into his fist, + except the forefinger, which he often thrust in and out through the said + two others of the left hand. Then stretched he out the forefinger and + middle finger or medical of his right hand, holding them asunder as much + as he could, and thrusting them towards Thaumast. Then did he put the + thumb of his left hand upon the corner of his left eye, stretching out all + his hand like the wing of a bird or the fin of a fish, and moving it very + daintily this way and that way, he did as much with his right hand upon + the corner of his right eye. Thaumast began then to wax somewhat pale, and + to tremble, and made him this sign. + </p> + <p> + With the middle finger of his right hand he struck against the muscle of + the palm or pulp which is under the thumb. Then put he the forefinger of + the right hand in the like buckle of the left, but he put it under, and + not over, as Panurge did. Then Panurge knocked one hand against another, + and blowed in his palm, and put again the forefinger of his right hand + into the overture or mouth of the left, pulling it often in and out. Then + held he out his chin, most intentively looking upon Thaumast. The people + there, which understood nothing in the other signs, knew very well that + therein he demanded, without speaking a word to Thaumast, What do you mean + by that? In effect, Thaumast then began to sweat great drops, and seemed + to all the spectators a man strangely ravished in high contemplation. Then + he bethought himself, and put all the nails of his left hand against those + of his right, opening his fingers as if they had been semicircles, and + with this sign lift up his hands as high as he could. Whereupon Panurge + presently put the thumb of his right hand under his jaws, and the little + finger thereof in the mouth of the left hand, and in this posture made his + teeth to sound very melodiously, the upper against the lower. With this + Thaumast, with great toil and vexation of spirit, rose up, but in rising + let a great baker’s fart, for the bran came after, and pissing + withal very strong vinegar, stunk like all the devils in hell. The company + began to stop their noses; for he had conskited himself with mere anguish + and perplexity. Then lifted he up his right hand, clunching it in such + sort that he brought the ends of all his fingers to meet together, and his + left hand he laid flat upon his breast. Whereat Panurge drew out his long + codpiece with his tuff, and stretched it forth a cubit and a half, holding + it in the air with his right hand, and with his left took out his orange, + and, casting it up into the air seven times, at the eighth he hid it in + the fist of his right hand, holding it steadily up on high, and then began + to shake his fair codpiece, showing it to Thaumast. + </p> + <p> + After that, Thaumast began to puff up his two cheeks like a player on a + bagpipe, and blew as if he had been to puff up a pig’s bladder. + Whereupon Panurge put one finger of his left hand in his nockandrow, by + some called St. Patrick’s hole, and with his mouth sucked in the + air, in such a manner as when one eats oysters in the shell, or when we + sup up our broth. This done, he opened his mouth somewhat, and struck his + right hand flat upon it, making therewith a great and a deep sound, as if + it came from the superficies of the midriff through the trachiartery or + pipe of the lungs, and this he did for sixteen times; but Thaumast did + always keep blowing like a goose. Then Panurge put the forefinger of his + right hand into his mouth, pressing it very hard to the muscles thereof; + then he drew it out, and withal made a great noise, as when little boys + shoot pellets out of the pot-cannons made of the hollow sticks of the + branch of an alder-tree, and he did it nine times. + </p> + <p> + Then Thaumast cried out, Ha, my masters, a great secret! With this he put + in his hand up to the elbow, then drew out a dagger that he had, holding + it by the point downwards. Whereat Panurge took his long codpiece, and + shook it as hard as he could against his thighs; then put his two hands + entwined in manner of a comb upon his head, laying out his tongue as far + as he was able, and turning his eyes in his head like a goat that is ready + to die. Ha, I understand, said Thaumast, but what? making such a sign that + he put the haft of his dagger against his breast, and upon the point + thereof the flat of his hand, turning in a little the ends of his fingers. + Whereat Panurge held down his head on the left side, and put his middle + finger into his right ear, holding up his thumb bolt upright. Then he + crossed his two arms upon his breast and coughed five times, and at the + fifth time he struck his right foot against the ground. Then he lift up + his left arm, and closing all his fingers into his fist, held his thumb + against his forehead, striking with his right hand six times against his + breast. But Thaumast, as not content therewith, put the thumb of his left + hand upon the top of his nose, shutting the rest of his said hand, + whereupon Panurge set his two master-fingers upon each side of his mouth, + drawing it as much as he was able, and widening it so that he showed all + his teeth, and with his two thumbs plucked down his two eyelids very low, + making therewith a very ill-favoured countenance, as it seemed to the + company. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0020" id="link22HCH0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.XX.—How Thaumast relateth the virtues and knowledge of + Panurge. + </h2> + <p> + Then Panurge rose up, and, putting off his cap, did very kindly thank the + said Panurge, and with a loud voice said unto all the people that were + there: My lords, gentlemen, and others, at this time may I to some good + purpose speak that evangelical word, Et ecce plus quam Salomon hic! You + have here in your presence an incomparable treasure, that is, my lord + Pantagruel, whose great renown hath brought me hither, out of the very + heart of England, to confer with him about the insoluble problems, both in + magic, alchemy, the cabal, geomancy, astrology, and philosophy, which I + had in my mind. But at present I am angry even with fame itself, which I + think was envious to him, for that it did not declare the thousandth part + of the worth that indeed is in him. You have seen how his disciple only + hath satisfied me, and hath told me more than I asked of him. Besides, he + hath opened unto me, and resolved other inestimable doubts, wherein I can + assure you he hath to me discovered the very true well, fountain, and + abyss of the encyclopaedia of learning; yea, in such a sort that I did not + think I should ever have found a man that could have made his skill appear + in so much as the first elements of that concerning which we disputed by + signs, without speaking either word or half word. But, in fine, I will + reduce into writing that which we have said and concluded, that the world + may not take them to be fooleries, and will thereafter cause them to be + printed, that everyone may learn as I have done. Judge, then, what the + master had been able to say, seeing the disciple hath done so valiantly; + for, Non est discipulus super magistrum. Howsoever, God be praised! and I + do very humbly thank you for the honour that you have done us at this act. + God reward you for it eternally! The like thanks gave Pantagruel to all + the company, and, going from thence, he carried Thaumast to dinner with + him, and believe that they drank as much as their skins could hold, or, as + the phrase is, with unbuttoned bellies (for in that age they made fast + their bellies with buttons, as we do now the collars of our doublets or + jerkins), even till they neither knew where they were nor whence they + came. Blessed Lady, how they did carouse it, and pluck, as we say, at the + kid’s leather! And flagons to trot, and they to toot, Draw; give, + page, some wine here; reach hither; fill with a devil, so! There was not + one but did drink five and twenty or thirty pipes. Can you tell how? Even + sicut terra sine aqua; for the weather was hot, and, besides that, they + were very dry. In matter of the exposition of the propositions set down by + Thaumast, and the signification of the signs which they used in their + disputation, I would have set them down for you according to their own + relation, but I have been told that Thaumast made a great book of it, + imprinted at London, wherein he hath set down all, without omitting + anything, and therefore at this time I do pass by it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0021" id="link22HCH0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.XXI.—How Panurge was in love with a lady of Paris. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link2image-0008" id="link2image-0008"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/2-21-184.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="After Dinner Panurge Went to See Her--2-21-184" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + Panurge began to be in great reputation in the city of Paris by means of + this disputation wherein he prevailed against the Englishman, and from + thenceforth made his codpiece to be very useful to him. To which effect he + had it pinked with pretty little embroideries after the Romanesca fashion. + And the world did praise him publicly, in so far that there was a song + made of him, which little children did use to sing when they were to fetch + mustard. He was withal made welcome in all companies of ladies and + gentlewomen, so that at last he became presumptuous, and went about to + bring to his lure one of the greatest ladies in the city. And, indeed, + leaving a rabble of long prologues and protestations, which ordinarily + these dolent contemplative lent-lovers make who never meddle with the + flesh, one day he said unto her, Madam, it would be a very great benefit + to the commonwealth, delightful to you, honourable to your progeny, and + necessary for me, that I cover you for the propagating of my race, and + believe it, for experience will teach it you. The lady at this word thrust + him back above a hundred leagues, saying, You mischievous fool, is it for + you to talk thus unto me? Whom do you think you have in hand? Begone, + never to come in my sight again; for, if one thing were not, I would have + your legs and arms cut off. Well, said he, that were all one to me, to + want both legs and arms, provided you and I had but one merry bout + together at the brangle-buttock game; for herewithin is—in showing + her his long codpiece—Master John Thursday, who will play you such + an antic that you shall feel the sweetness thereof even to the very marrow + of your bones. He is a gallant, and doth so well know how to find out all + the corners, creeks, and ingrained inmates in your carnal trap, that after + him there needs no broom, he’ll sweep so well before, and leave + nothing to his followers to work upon. Whereunto the lady answered, Go, + villain, go. If you speak to me one such word more, I will cry out and + make you to be knocked down with blows. Ha, said he, you are not so bad as + you say—no, or else I am deceived in your physiognomy. For sooner + shall the earth mount up unto the heavens, and the highest heavens descend + unto the hells, and all the course of nature be quite perverted, than that + in so great beauty and neatness as in you is there should be one drop of + gall or malice. They say, indeed, that hardly shall a man ever see a fair + woman that is not also stubborn. Yet that is spoke only of those vulgar + beauties; but yours is so excellent, so singular, and so heavenly, that I + believe nature hath given it you as a paragon and masterpiece of her art, + to make us know what she can do when she will employ all her skill and all + her power. There is nothing in you but honey, but sugar, but a sweet and + celestial manna. To you it was to whom Paris ought to have adjudged the + golden apple, not to Venus, no, nor to Juno, nor to Minerva, for never was + there so much magnificence in Juno, so much wisdom in Minerva, nor so much + comeliness in Venus as there is in you. O heavenly gods and goddesses! How + happy shall that man be to whom you will grant the favour to embrace her, + to kiss her, and to rub his bacon with hers! By G—, that shall be I, + I know it well; for she loves me already her bellyful, I am sure of it, + and so was I predestinated to it by the fairies. And therefore, that we + lose no time, put on, thrust out your gammons!—and would have + embraced her, but she made as if she would put out her head at the window + to call her neighbours for help. Then Panurge on a sudden ran out, and in + his running away said, Madam, stay here till I come again; I will go call + them myself; do not you take so much pains. Thus went he away, not much + caring for the repulse he had got, nor made he any whit the worse cheer + for it. The next day he came to the church at the time she went to mass. + At the door he gave her some of the holy water, bowing himself very low + before her. Afterwards he kneeled down by her very familiarly and said + unto her, Madam, know that I am so amorous of you that I can neither piss + nor dung for love. I do not know, lady, what you mean, but if I should + take any hurt by it, how much you would be to blame! Go, said she, go! I + do not care; let me alone to say my prayers. Ay but, said he, equivocate + upon this: a beau mont le viconte, or, to fair mount the prick-cunts. I + cannot, said she. It is, said he, a beau con le vit monte, or to a fair c. + . .the pr. . .mounts. And upon this, pray to God to give you that which + your noble heart desireth, and I pray you give me these paternosters. Take + them, said she, and trouble me no longer. This done, she would have taken + off her paternosters, which were made of a kind of yellow stone called + cestrin, and adorned with great spots of gold, but Panurge nimbly drew out + one of his knives, wherewith he cut them off very handsomely, and whilst + he was going away to carry them to the brokers, he said to her, Will you + have my knife? No, no, said she. But, said he, to the purpose. I am at + your commandment, body and goods, tripes and bowels. + </p> + <p> + In the meantime the lady was not very well content with the want of her + paternosters, for they were one of her implements to keep her countenance + by in the church; then thought with herself, This bold flouting roister is + some giddy, fantastical, light-headed fool of a strange country. I shall + never recover my paternosters again. What will my husband say? He will no + doubt be angry with me. But I will tell him that a thief hath cut them off + from my hands in the church, which he will easily believe, seeing the end + of the ribbon left at my girdle. After dinner Panurge went to see her, + carrying in his sleeve a great purse full of palace-crowns, called + counters, and began to say unto her, Which of us two loveth other best, + you me, or I you? Whereunto she answered, As for me, I do not hate you; + for, as God commands, I love all the world. But to the purpose, said he; + are not you in love with me? I have, said she, told you so many times + already that you should talk so no more to me, and if you speak of it + again I will teach you that I am not one to be talked unto dishonestly. + Get you hence packing, and deliver me my paternosters, that my husband may + not ask me for them. + </p> + <p> + How now, madam, said he, your paternosters? Nay, by mine oath, I will not + do so, but I will give you others. Had you rather have them of gold well + enamelled in great round knobs, or after the manner of love-knots, or, + otherwise, all massive, like great ingots, or if you had rather have them + of ebony, of jacinth, or of grained gold, with the marks of fine + turquoises, or of fair topazes, marked with fine sapphires, or of baleu + rubies, with great marks of diamonds of eight and twenty squares? No, no, + all this is too little. I know a fair bracelet of fine emeralds, marked + with spotted ambergris, and at the buckle a Persian pearl as big as an + orange. It will not cost above five and twenty thousand ducats. I will + make you a present of it, for I have ready coin enough,—and withal + he made a noise with his counters, as if they had been French crowns. + </p> + <p> + Will you have a piece of velvet, either of the violet colour or of crimson + dyed in grain, or a piece of broached or crimson satin? Will you have + chains, gold, tablets, rings? You need no more but say, Yes; so far as + fifty thousand ducats may reach, it is but as nothing to me. By the virtue + of which words he made the water come in her mouth; but she said unto him, + No, I thank you, I will have nothing of you. By G—, said he, but I + will have somewhat of you; yet shall it be that which shall cost you + nothing, neither shall you have a jot the less when you have given it. + Hold! —showing his long codpiece—this is Master John + Goodfellow, that asks for lodging!—and with that would have embraced + her; but she began to cry out, yet not very loud. Then Panurge put off his + counterfeit garb, changed his false visage, and said unto her, You will + not then otherwise let me do a little? A turd for you! You do not deserve + so much good, nor so much honour; but, by G—, I will make the dogs + ride you;—and with this he ran away as fast as he could, for fear of + blows, whereof he was naturally fearful. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0022" id="link22HCH0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.XXII.—How Panurge served a Parisian lady a trick that + pleased her not very well. + </h2> + <p> + Now you must note that the next day was the great festival of Corpus + Christi, called the Sacre, wherein all women put on their best apparel, + and on that day the said lady was clothed in a rich gown of crimson satin, + under which she wore a very costly white velvet petticoat. + </p> + <p> + The day of the eve, called the vigil, Panurge searched so long of one side + and another that he found a hot or salt bitch, which, when he had tied her + with his girdle, he led to his chamber and fed her very well all that day + and night. In the morning thereafter he killed her, and took that part of + her which the Greek geomancers know, and cut it into several small pieces + as small as he could. Then, carrying it away as close as might be, he went + to the place where the lady was to come along to follow the procession, as + the custom is upon the said holy day; and when she came in Panurge + sprinkled some holy water on her, saluting her very courteously. Then, a + little while after she had said her petty devotions, he sat down close by + her upon the same bench, and gave her this roundelay in writing, in manner + as followeth. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +A Roundelay. + +For this one time, that I to you my love +Discovered, you did too cruel prove, +To send me packing, hopeless, and so soon, +Who never any wrong to you had done, +In any kind of action, word, or thought: +So that, if my suit liked you not, you ought +T’ have spoke more civilly, and to this sense, +My friend, be pleased to depart from hence, +For this one time. + +What hurt do I, to wish you to remark, +With favour and compassion, how a spark +Of your great beauty hath inflamed my heart +With deep affection, and that, for my part, +I only ask that you with me would dance +The brangle gay in feats of dalliance, +For this one time? +</pre> + <p> + And, as she was opening this paper to see what it was, Panurge very + promptly and lightly scattered the drug that he had upon her in divers + places, but especially in the plaits of her sleeves and of her gown. Then + said he unto her, Madam, the poor lovers are not always at ease. As for + me, I hope that those heavy nights, those pains and troubles, which I + suffer for love of you, shall be a deduction to me of so much pain in + purgatory; yet, at the least, pray to God to give me patience in my + misery. Panurge had no sooner spoke this but all the dogs that were in the + church came running to this lady with the smell of the drugs that he had + strewed upon her, both small and great, big and little, all came, laying + out their member, smelling to her, and pissing everywhere upon her—it + was the greatest villainy in the world. Panurge made the fashion of + driving them away; then took his leave of her and withdrew himself into + some chapel or oratory of the said church to see the sport; for these + villainous dogs did compiss all her habiliments, and left none of her + attire unbesprinkled with their staling; insomuch that a tall greyhound + pissed upon her head, others in her sleeves, others on her crupper-piece, + and the little ones pissed upon her pataines; so that all the women that + were round about her had much ado to save her. Whereat Panurge very + heartily laughing, he said to one of the lords of the city, I believe that + same lady is hot, or else that some greyhound hath covered her lately. And + when he saw that all the dogs were flocking about her, yarring at the + retardment of their access to her, and every way keeping such a coil with + her as they are wont to do about a proud or salt bitch, he forthwith + departed from thence, and went to call Pantagruel, not forgetting in his + way alongst the streets through which he went, where he found any dogs to + give them a bang with his foot, saying, Will you not go with your fellows + to the wedding? Away, hence, avant, avant, with a devil avant! And being + come home, he said to Pantagruel, Master, I pray you come and see all the + dogs of the country, how they are assembled about a lady, the fairest in + the city, and would duffle and line her. Whereunto Pantagruel willingly + condescended, and saw the mystery, which he found very pretty and strange. + But the best was at the procession, in which were seen above six hundred + thousand and fourteen dogs about her, which did very much trouble and + molest her, and whithersoever she passed, those dogs that came afresh, + tracing her footsteps, followed her at the heels, and pissed in the way + where her gown had touched. All the world stood gazing at this spectacle, + considering the countenance of those dogs, who, leaping up, got about her + neck and spoiled all her gorgeous accoutrements, for the which she could + find no remedy but to retire unto her house, which was a palace. Thither + she went, and the dogs after her; she ran to hide herself, but the + chambermaids could not abstain from laughing. When she was entered into + the house and had shut the door upon herself, all the dogs came running of + half a league round, and did so well bepiss the gate of her house that + there they made a stream with their urine wherein a duck might have very + well swimmed, and it is the same current that now runs at St. Victor, in + which Gobelin dyeth scarlet, for the specifical virtue of these piss-dogs, + as our master Doribus did heretofore preach publicly. So may God help you, + a mill would have ground corn with it. Yet not so much as those of Basacle + at Toulouse. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0023" id="link22HCH0023"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.XXIII.—How Pantagruel departed from Paris, hearing news + that the Dipsodes had invaded the land of the Amaurots; and the cause + wherefore the leagues are so short in France. + </h2> + <p> + A little while after Pantagruel heard news that his father Gargantua had + been translated into the land of the fairies by Morgue, as heretofore were + Ogier and Arthur; as also, (In the original edition it stands ‘together, + and that.’—M.) that the report of his translation being spread + abroad, the Dipsodes had issued out beyond their borders, with inroads had + wasted a great part of Utopia, and at that very time had besieged the + great city of the Amaurots. Whereupon departing from Paris without bidding + any man farewell, for the business required diligence, he came to Rouen. + </p> + <p> + Now Pantagruel in his journey seeing that the leagues of that little + territory about Paris called France were very short in regard of those of + other countries, demanded the cause and reason of it from Panurge, who + told him a story which Marotus of the Lac, monachus, set down in the Acts + of the Kings of Canarre, saying that in old times countries were not + distinguished into leagues, miles, furlongs, nor parasangs, until that + King Pharamond divided them, which was done in manner as followeth. The + said king chose at Paris a hundred fair, gallant, lusty, brisk young men, + all resolute and bold adventurers in Cupid’s duels, together with a + hundred comely, pretty, handsome, lovely and well-complexioned wenches of + Picardy, all which he caused to be well entertained and highly fed for the + space of eight days. Then having called for them, he delivered to every + one of the young men his wench, with store of money to defray their + charges, and this injunction besides, to go unto divers places here and + there. And wheresoever they should biscot and thrum their wenches, that, + they setting a stone there, it should be accounted for a league. Thus went + away those brave fellows and sprightly blades most merrily, and because + they were fresh and had been at rest, they very often jummed and + fanfreluched almost at every field’s end, and this is the cause why + the leagues about Paris are so short. But when they had gone a great way, + and were now as weary as poor devils, all the oil in their lamps being + almost spent, they did not chink and duffle so often, but contented + themselves (I mean for the men’s part) with one scurvy paltry bout + in a day, and this is that which makes the leagues in Brittany, Delanes, + Germany, and other more remote countries so long. Other men give other + reasons for it, but this seems to me of all other the best. To which + Pantagruel willingly adhered. Parting from Rouen, they arrived at + Honfleur, where they took shipping, Pantagruel, Panurge, Epistemon, + Eusthenes, and Carpalin. + </p> + <p> + In which place, waiting for a favourable wind, and caulking their ship, he + received from a lady of Paris, which I (he) had formerly kept and + entertained a good long time, a letter directed on the outside thus, + —To the best beloved of the fair women, and least loyal of the + valiant men —P.N.T.G.R.L. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0024" id="link22HCH0024"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.XXIV.—A letter which a messenger brought to Pantagruel + from a lady of Paris, together with the exposition of a posy written in a + gold ring. + </h2> + <p> + When Pantagruel had read the superscription he was much amazed, and + therefore demanded of the said messenger the name of her that had sent it. + Then opened he the letter, and found nothing written in it, nor otherwise + enclosed, but only a gold ring, with a square table diamond. Wondering at + this, he called Panurge to him, and showed him the case. Whereupon Panurge + told him that the leaf of paper was written upon, but with such cunning + and artifice that no man could see the writing at the first sight. + Therefore, to find it out, he set it by the fire to see if it was made + with sal ammoniac soaked in water. Then put he it into the water, to see + if the letter was written with the juice of tithymalle. After that he held + it up against the candle, to see if it was written with the juice of white + onions. + </p> + <p> + Then he rubbed one part of it with oil of nuts, to see if it were not + written with the lee of a fig-tree, and another part of it with the milk + of a woman giving suck to her eldest daughter, to see if it was written + with the blood of red toads or green earth-frogs. Afterwards he rubbed one + corner with the ashes of a swallow’s nest, to see if it were not + written with the dew that is found within the herb alcakengy, called the + winter-cherry. He rubbed, after that, one end with ear-wax, to see if it + were not written with the gall of a raven. Then did he dip it into + vinegar, to try if it was not written with the juice of the garden spurge. + After that he greased it with the fat of a bat or flittermouse, to see if + it was not written with the sperm of a whale, which some call ambergris. + Then put it very fairly into a basinful of fresh water, and forthwith took + it out, to see whether it were written with stone-alum. But after all + experiments, when he perceived that he could find out nothing, he called + the messenger and asked him, Good fellow, the lady that sent thee hither, + did she not give thee a staff to bring with thee? thinking that it had + been according to the conceit whereof Aulus Gellius maketh mention. And + the messenger answered him, No, sir. Then Panurge would have caused his + head to be shaven, to see whether the lady had written upon his bald pate, + with the hard lye whereof soap is made, that which she meant; but, + perceiving that his hair was very long, he forbore, considering that it + could not have grown to so great a length in so short a time. + </p> + <p> + Then he said to Pantagruel, Master, by the virtue of G—, I cannot + tell what to do nor say in it. For, to know whether there be anything + written upon this or no, I have made use of a good part of that which + Master Francisco di Nianto, the Tuscan, sets down, who hath written the + manner of reading letters that do not appear; that which Zoroastes + published, Peri grammaton acriton; and Calphurnius Bassus, De literis + illegibilibus. But I can see nothing, nor do I believe that there is + anything else in it than the ring. Let us, therefore, look upon it. Which + when they had done, they found this in Hebrew written within, Lamach + saba(ch)thani; whereupon they called Epistemon, and asked him what that + meant. To which he answered that they were Hebrew words, signifying, + Wherefore hast thou forsaken me? Upon that Panurge suddenly replied, I + know the mystery. Do you see this diamond? It is a false one. This, then, + is the exposition of that which the lady means, Diamant faux, that is, + false lover, why hast thou forsaken me? Which interpretation Pantagruel + presently understood, and withal remembering that at his departure he had + not bid the lady farewell, he was very sorry, and would fain have returned + to Paris to make his peace with her. But Epistemon put him in mind of + Aeneas’s departure from Dido, and the saying of Heraclitus of + Tarentum, That the ship being at anchor, when need requireth we must cut + the cable rather than lose time about untying of it,—and that he + should lay aside all other thoughts to succour the city of his nativity, + which was then in danger. And, indeed, within an hour after that the wind + arose at the north-north-west, wherewith they hoist sail, and put out, + even into the main sea, so that within few days, passing by Porto Sancto + and by the Madeiras, they went ashore in the Canary Islands. Parting from + thence, they passed by Capobianco, by Senege, by Capoverde, by Gambre, by + Sagres, by Melli, by the Cap di Buona Speranza, and set ashore again in + the kingdom of Melinda. Parting from thence, they sailed away with a + tramontane or northerly wind, passing by Meden, by Uti, by Uden, by + Gelasim, by the Isles of the Fairies, and alongst the kingdom of Achorie, + till at last they arrived at the port of Utopia, distant from the city of + the Amaurots three leagues and somewhat more. + </p> + <p> + When they were ashore, and pretty well refreshed, Pantagruel said, + Gentlemen, the city is not far from hence; therefore, were it not amiss, + before we set forward, to advise well what is to be done, that we be not + like the Athenians, who never took counsel until after the fact? Are you + resolved to live and die with me? Yes, sir, said they all, and be as + confident of us as of your own fingers. Well, said he, there is but one + thing that keeps my mind in great doubt and suspense, which is this, that + I know not in what order nor of what number the enemy is that layeth siege + to the city; for, if I were certain of that, I should go forward and set + on with the better assurance. Let us therefore consult together, and + bethink ourselves by what means we may come to this intelligence. + Whereunto they all said, Let us go thither and see, and stay you here for + us; for this very day, without further respite, do we make account to + bring you a certain report thereof. + </p> + <p> + Myself, said Panurge, will undertake to enter into their camp, within the + very midst of their guards, unespied by their watch, and merrily feast and + lecher it at their cost, without being known of any, to see the artillery + and the tents of all the captains, and thrust myself in with a grave and + magnific carriage amongst all their troops and companies, without being + discovered. The devil would not be able to peck me out with all his + circumventions, for I am of the race of Zopyrus. + </p> + <p> + And I, said Epistemon, know all the plots and strategems of the valiant + captains and warlike champions of former ages, together with all the + tricks and subtleties of the art of war. I will go, and, though I be + detected and revealed, I will escape by making them believe of you + whatever I please, for I am of the race of Sinon. + </p> + <p> + I, said Eusthenes, will enter and set upon them in their trenches, in + spite of their sentries and all their guards; for I will tread upon their + bellies and break their legs and arms, yea, though they were every whit as + strong as the devil himself, for I am of the race of Hercules. + </p> + <p> + And I, said Carpalin, will get in there if the birds can enter, for I am + so nimble of body, and light withal, that I shall have leaped over their + trenches, and ran clean through all their camp, before that they perceive + me; neither do I fear shot, nor arrow, nor horse, how swift soever, were + he the Pegasus of Perseus or Pacolet, being assured that I shall be able + to make a safe and sound escape before them all without any hurt. I will + undertake to walk upon the ears of corn or grass in the meadows, without + making either of them do so much as bow under me, for I am of the race of + Camilla the Amazon. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0025" id="link22HCH0025"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.XXV.—How Panurge, Carpalin, Eusthenes, and Epistemon, the + gentlemen attendants of Pantagruel, vanquished and discomfited six hundred + and threescore horsemen very cunningly. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link2image-0009" id="link2image-0009"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/2-25-192.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Horseman Very Cunningly Vanquished--2-25-192" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + As he was speaking this, they perceived six hundred and threescore light + horsemen, gallantly mounted, who made an outroad thither to see what ship + it was that was newly arrived in the harbour, and came in a full gallop to + take them if they had been able. Then said Pantagruel, My lads, retire + yourselves unto the ship; here are some of our enemies coming apace, but I + will kill them here before you like beasts, although they were ten times + so many; in the meantime, withdraw yourselves, and take your sport at it. + Then answered Panurge, No, sir; there is no reason that you should do so, + but, on the contrary, retire you unto the ship, both you and the rest, for + I alone will here discomfit them; but we must not linger; come, set + forward. Whereunto the others said, It is well advised, sir; withdraw + yourself, and we will help Panurge here, so shall you know what we are + able to do. Then said Pantagruel, Well, I am content; but, if that you be + too weak, I will not fail to come to your assistance. With this Panurge + took two great cables of the ship and tied them to the kemstock or capstan + which was on the deck towards the hatches, and fastened them in the + ground, making a long circuit, the one further off, the other within that. + Then said he to Epistemon, Go aboard the ship, and, when I give you a + call, turn about the capstan upon the orlop diligently, drawing unto you + the two cable-ropes; and said to Eusthenes and to Carpalin, My bullies, + stay you here, and offer yourselves freely to your enemies. Do as they bid + you, and make as if you would yield unto them, but take heed you come not + within the compass of the ropes—be sure to keep yourselves free of + them. And presently he went aboard the ship, and took a bundle of straw + and a barrel of gunpowder, strewed it round about the compass of the + cords, and stood by with a brand of fire or match lighted in his hand. + Presently came the horsemen with great fury, and the foremost ran almost + home to the ship, and, by reason of the slipperiness of the bank, they + fell, they and their horses, to the number of four and forty; which the + rest seeing, came on, thinking that resistance had been made them at their + arrival. But Panurge said unto them, My masters, I believe that you have + hurt yourselves; I pray you pardon us, for it is not our fault, but the + slipperiness of the sea-water that is always flowing; we submit ourselves + to your good pleasure. So said likewise his two other fellows, and + Epistemon that was upon the deck. In the meantime Panurge withdrew + himself, and seeing that they were all within the compass of the cables, + and that his two companions were retired, making room for all those horses + which came in a crowd, thronging upon the neck of one another to see the + ship and such as were in it, cried out on a sudden to Epistemon, Draw, + draw! Then began Epistemon to wind about the capstan, by doing whereof the + two cables so entangled and empestered the legs of the horses, that they + were all of them thrown down to the ground easily, together with their + riders. But they, seeing that, drew their swords, and would have cut them; + whereupon Panurge set fire to the train, and there burnt them up all like + damned souls, both men and horses, not one escaping save one alone, who + being mounted on a fleet Turkey courser, by mere speed in flight got + himself out of the circle of the ropes. But when Carpalin perceived him, + he ran after him with such nimbleness and celerity that he overtook him in + less than a hundred paces; then, leaping close behind him upon the crupper + of his horse, clasped him in his arms, and brought him back to the ship. + </p> + <p> + This exploit being ended, Pantagruel was very jovial, and wondrously + commended the industry of these gentlemen, whom he called his + fellow-soldiers, and made them refresh themselves and feed well and + merrily upon the seashore, and drink heartily with their bellies upon the + ground, and their prisoner with them, whom they admitted to that + familiarity; only that the poor devil was somewhat afraid that Pantagruel + would have eaten him up whole, which, considering the wideness of his + mouth and capacity of his throat was no great matter for him to have done; + for he could have done it as easily as you would eat a small comfit, he + showing no more in his throat than would a grain of millet-seed in the + mouth of an ass. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0026" id="link22HCH0026"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.XXVI.—How Pantagruel and his company were weary in eating + still salt meats; and how Carpalin went a-hunting to have some venison. + </h2> + <p> + Thus as they talked and chatted together, Carpalin said, And, by the belly + of St. Quenet, shall we never eat any venison? This salt meat makes me + horribly dry. I will go fetch you a quarter of one of those horses which + we have burnt; it is well roasted already. As he was rising up to go about + it, he perceived under the side of a wood a fair great roebuck, which was + come out of his fort, as I conceive, at the sight of Panurge’s fire. + Him did he pursue and run after with as much vigour and swiftness as if it + had been a bolt out of a crossbow, and caught him in a moment; and whilst + he was in his course he with his hands took in the air four great + bustards, seven bitterns, six and twenty grey partridges, two and thirty + red-legged ones, sixteen pheasants, nine woodcocks, nineteen herons, two + and thirty cushats and ringdoves; and with his feet killed ten or twelve + hares and rabbits, which were then at relief and pretty big withal, + eighteen rails in a knot together, with fifteen young wild-boars, two + little beavers, and three great foxes. So, striking the kid with his + falchion athwart the head, he killed him, and, bearing him on his back, he + in his return took up his hares, rails, and young wild-boars, and, as far + off as he could be heard, cried out and said, Panurge, my friend, vinegar, + vinegar! Then the good Pantagruel, thinking he had fainted, commanded them + to provide him some vinegar; but Panurge knew well that there was some + good prey in hands, and forthwith showed unto noble Pantagruel how he was + bearing upon his back a fair roebuck, and all his girdle bordered with + hares. Then immediately did Epistemon make, in the name of the nine Muses, + nine antique wooden spits. Eusthenes did help to flay, and Panurge placed + two great cuirassier saddles in such sort that they served for andirons, + and making their prisoner to be their cook, they roasted their venison by + the fire wherein the horsemen were burnt; and making great cheer with a + good deal of vinegar, the devil a one of them did forbear from his + victuals—it was a triumphant and incomparable spectacle to see how + they ravened and devoured. Then said Pantagruel, Would to God every one of + you had two pairs of little anthem or sacring bells hanging at your chin, + and that I had at mine the great clocks of Rennes, of Poictiers, of Tours, + and of Cambray, to see what a peal they would ring with the wagging of our + chaps. But, said Panurge, it were better we thought a little upon our + business, and by what means we might get the upper hand of our enemies. + That is well remembered, said Pantagruel. Therefore spoke he thus to the + prisoner, My friend, tell us here the truth, and do not lie to us at all, + if thou wouldst not be flayed alive, for it is I that eat the little + children. Relate unto us at full the order, the number, and the strength + of the army. To which the prisoner answered, Sir, know for a truth that in + the army there are three hundred giants, all armed with armour of proof, + and wonderful great. Nevertheless, not fully so great as you, except one + that is their head, named Loupgarou, who is armed from head to foot with + cyclopical anvils. Furthermore, one hundred three score and three thousand + foot, all armed with the skins of hobgoblins, strong and valiant men; + eleven thousand four hundred men-at-arms or cuirassiers; three thousand + six hundred double cannons, and arquebusiers without number; four score + and fourteen thousand pioneers; one hundred and fifty thousand whores, + fair like goddesses—(That is for me, said Panurge)—whereof + some are Amazons, some Lionnoises, others Parisiennes, Taurangelles, + Angevines, Poictevines, Normandes, and High Dutch—there are of them + of all countries and all languages. + </p> + <p> + Yea but, said Pantagruel, is the king there? Yes, sir, said the prisoner; + he is there in person, and we call him Anarchus, king of the Dipsodes, + which is as much to say as thirsty people, for you never saw men more + thirsty, nor more willing to drink, and his tent is guarded by the giants. + It is enough, said Pantagruel. Come, brave boys, are you resolved to go + with me? To which Panurge answered, God confound him that leaves you! I + have already bethought myself how I will kill them all like pigs, and so + the devil one leg of them shall escape. But I am somewhat troubled about + one thing. And what is that? said Pantagruel. It is, said Panurge, how I + shall be able to set forward to the justling and bragmardizing of all the + whores that be there this afternoon, in such sort that there escape not + one unbumped by me, breasted and jummed after the ordinary fashion of man + and women in the Venetian conflict. Ha, ha, ha, ha, said Pantagruel. + </p> + <p> + And Carpalin said: The devil take these sink-holes, if, by G—, I do + not bumbaste some one of them. Then said Eusthenes: What! shall not I have + any, whose paces, since we came from Rouen, were never so well winded up + as that my needle could mount to ten or eleven o’clock, till now + that I have it hard, stiff, and strong, like a hundred devils? Truly, said + Panurge, thou shalt have of the fattest, and of those that are most plump + and in the best case. + </p> + <p> + How now! said Epistemon; everyone shall ride, and I must lead the ass? The + devil take him that will do so. We will make use of the right of war, Qui + potest capere, capiat. No, no, said Panurge, but tie thine ass to a crook, + and ride as the world doth. And the good Pantagruel laughed at all this, + and said unto them, You reckon without your host. I am much afraid that, + before it be night, I shall see you in such taking that you will have no + great stomach to ride, but more like to be rode upon with sound blows of + pike and lance. Baste, said Epistemon, enough of that! I will not fail to + bring them to you, either to roast or boil, to fry or put in paste. They + are not so many in number as were in the army of Xerxes, for he had thirty + hundred thousand fighting-men, if you will believe Herodotus and Trogus + Pompeius, and yet Themistocles with a few men overthrew them all. For God’s + sake, take you no care for that. Cobsminny, cobsminny, said Panurge; my + codpiece alone shall suffice to overthrow all the men; and my St. + Sweephole, that dwells within it, shall lay all the women squat upon their + backs. Up then, my lads, said Pantagruel, and let us march along. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0027a" id="link22HCH0027a"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.XXVII.—How Pantagruel set up one trophy in memorial of + their valour, and Panurge another in remembrance of the hares. How + Pantagruel likewise with his farts begat little men, and with his fisgs + little women; and how Panurge broke a great staff over two glasses. + </h2> + <p> + Before we depart hence, said Pantagruel, in remembrance of the exploit + that you have now performed I will in this place erect a fair trophy. Then + every man amongst them, with great joy and fine little country songs, set + up a huge big post, whereunto they hanged a great cuirassier saddle, the + fronstal of a barbed horse, bridle-bosses, pulley-pieces for the knees, + stirrup-leathers, spurs, stirrups, a coat of mail, a corslet tempered with + steel, a battle-axe, a strong, short, and sharp horseman’s sword, a + gauntlet, a horseman’s mace, gushet-armour for the armpits, + leg-harness, and a gorget, with all other furniture needful for the + decorement of a triumphant arch, in sign of a trophy. And then Pantagruel, + for an eternal memorial, wrote this victorial ditton, as followeth:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Here was the prowess made apparent of +Four brave and valiant champions of proof, +Who, without any arms but wit, at once, +Like Fabius, or the two Scipions, +Burnt in a fire six hundred and threescore +Crablice, strong rogues ne’er vanquished before. +By this each king may learn, rook, pawn, and knight, +That sleight is much more prevalent than might. + +For victory, +As all men see, +Hangs on the ditty +Of that committee +Where the great God +Hath his abode. + +Nor doth he it to strong and great men give, +But to his elect, as we must believe; +Therefore shall he obtain wealth and esteem, +Who thorough faith doth put his trust in him. +</pre> + <p> + Whilst Pantagruel was writing these foresaid verses, Panurge halved and + fixed upon a great stake the horns of a roebuck, together with the skin + and the right forefoot thereof, the ears of three leverets, the chine of a + coney, the jaws of a hare, the wings of two bustards, the feet of four + queest-doves, a bottle or borracho full of vinegar, a horn wherein to put + salt, a wooden spit, a larding stick, a scurvy kettle full of holes, a + dripping-pan to make sauce in, an earthen salt-cellar, and a goblet of + Beauvais. Then, in imitation of Pantagruel’s verses and trophy, + wrote that which followeth:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Here was it that four jovial blades sat down +To a profound carousing, and to crown +Their banquet with those wines which please best great +Bacchus, the monarch of their drinking state. +Then were the reins and furch of a young hare, +With salt and vinegar, displayed there, +Of which to snatch a bit or two at once +They all fell on like hungry scorpions. + +For th’ Inventories +Of Defensories +Say that in heat +We must drink neat +All out, and of +The choicest stuff. + +But it is bad to eat of young hare’s flesh, +Unless with vinegar we it refresh. +Receive this tenet, then, without control, +That vinegar of that meat is the soul. +</pre> + <p> + Then said Pantagruel, Come, my lads, let us begone! we have stayed here + too long about our victuals; for very seldom doth it fall out that the + greatest eaters do the most martial exploits. There is no shadow like that + of flying colours, no smoke like that of horses, no clattering like that + of armour. At this Epistemon began to smile, and said, There is no shadow + like that of the kitchen, no smoke like that of pasties, and no clattering + like that of goblets. Unto which answered Panurge, There is no shadow like + that of curtains, no smoke like that of women’s breasts, and no + clattering like that of ballocks. Then forthwith rising up he gave a fart, + a leap, and a whistle, and most joyfully cried out aloud, Ever live + Pantagruel! When Pantagruel saw that, he would have done as much; but with + the fart that he let the earth trembled nine leagues about, wherewith and + with the corrupted air he begot above three and fifty thousand little men, + ill-favoured dwarfs, and with one fisg that he let he made as many little + women, crouching down, as you shall see in divers places, which never grow + but like cow’s tails, downwards, or, like the Limosin radishes, + round. How now! said Panurge, are your farts so fertile and fruitful? By G—, + here be brave farted men and fisgued women; let them be married together; + they will beget fine hornets and dorflies. So did Pantagruel, and called + them pigmies. Those he sent to live in an island thereby, where since that + time they are increased mightily. But the cranes make war with them + continually, against which they do most courageously defend themselves; + for these little ends of men and dandiprats (whom in Scotland they call + whiphandles and knots of a tar-barrel) are commonly very testy and + choleric; the physical reason whereof is, because their heart is near + their spleen. + </p> + <p> + At this same time Panurge took two drinking glasses that were there, both + of one bigness, and filled them with water up to the brim, and set one of + them upon one stool and the other upon another, placing them about one + foot from one another. Then he took the staff of a javelin, about five + foot and a half long, and put it upon the two glasses, so that the two + ends of the staff did come just to the brims of the glasses. This done, he + took a great stake or billet of wood, and said to Pantagruel and to the + rest, My masters, behold how easily we shall have the victory over our + enemies; for just as I shall break this staff here upon these glasses, + without either breaking or crazing of them, nay, which is more, without + spilling one drop of the water that is within them, even so shall we break + the heads of our Dipsodes without receiving any of us any wound or loss in + our person or goods. But, that you may not think there is any witchcraft + in this, hold! said he to Eusthenes, strike upon the midst as hard as thou + canst with this log. Eusthenes did so, and the staff broke in two pieces, + and not one drop of the water fell out of the glasses. Then said he, I + know a great many such other tricks; let us now therefore march boldly and + with assurance. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0027" id="link22HCH0027"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.XXVIII.—How Pantagruel got the victory very strangely over + the Dipsodes and the Giants. + </h2> + <p> + After all this talk, Pantagruel took the prisoner to him and sent him + away, saying, Go thou unto thy king in his camp, and tell him tidings of + what thou hast seen, and let him resolve to feast me to-morrow about noon; + for, as soon as my galleys shall come, which will be to-morrow at + furthest, I will prove unto him by eighteen hundred thousand fighting-men + and seven thousand giants, all of them greater than I am, that he hath + done foolishly and against reason thus to invade my country. Wherein + Pantagruel feigned that he had an army at sea. But the prisoner answered + that he would yield himself to be his slave, and that he was content never + to return to his own people, but rather with Pantagruel to fight against + them, and for God’s sake besought him that he might be permitted so + to do. Whereunto Pantagruel would not give consent, but commanded him to + depart thence speedily and begone as he had told him, and to that effect + gave him a boxful of euphorbium, together with some grains of the black + chameleon thistle, steeped into aqua vitae, and made up into the condiment + of a wet sucket, commanding him to carry it to his king, and to say unto + him, that if he were able to eat one ounce of that without drinking after + it, he might then be able to resist him without any fear or apprehension + of danger. + </p> + <p> + The prisoner then besought him with joined hands that in the hour of the + battle he would have compassion upon him. Whereat Pantagruel said unto + him, After that thou hast delivered all unto the king, put thy whole + confidence in God, and he will not forsake thee; because, although for my + part I be mighty, as thou mayst see, and have an infinite number of men in + arms, I do nevertheless trust neither in my force nor in mine industry, + but all my confidence is in God my protector, who doth never forsake those + that in him do put their trust and confidence. This done, the prisoner + requested him that he would afford him some reasonable composition for his + ransom. To which Pantagruel answered, that his end was not to rob nor + ransom men, but to enrich them and reduce them to total liberty. Go thy + way, said he, in the peace of the living God, and never follow evil + company, lest some mischief befall thee. The prisoner being gone, + Pantagruel said to his men, Gentlemen, I have made this prisoner believe + that we have an army at sea; as also that we will not assault them till + to-morrow at noon, to the end that they, doubting of the great arrival of + our men, may spend this night in providing and strengthening themselves, + but in the meantime my intention is that we charge them about the hour of + the first sleep. + </p> + <p> + Let us leave Pantagruel here with his apostles, and speak of King Anarchus + and his army. When the prisoner was come he went unto the king and told + him how there was a great giant come, called Pantagruel, who had + overthrown and made to be cruelly roasted all the six hundred and nine and + fifty horsemen, and he alone escaped to bring the news. Besides that, he + was charged by the said giant to tell him that the next day, about noon, + he must make a dinner ready for him, for at that hour he was resolved to + set upon him. Then did he give him that box wherein were those confitures. + But as soon as he had swallowed down one spoonful of them, he was taken + with such a heat in the throat, together with an ulceration in the flap of + the top of the windpipe, that his tongue peeled with it in such sort that, + for all they could do unto him, he found no ease at all but by drinking + only without cessation; for as soon as ever he took the goblet from his + head, his tongue was on a fire, and therefore they did nothing but still + pour in wine into his throat with a funnel. Which when his captains, + bashaws, and guard of his body did see, they tasted of the same drugs to + try whether they were so thirst-procuring and alterative or no. But it so + befell them as it had done their king, and they plied the flagon so well + that the noise ran throughout all the camp, how the prisoner was returned; + that the next day they were to have an assault; that the king and his + captains did already prepare themselves for it, together with his guards, + and that with carousing lustily and quaffing as hard as they could. Every + man, therefore, in the army began to tipple, ply the pot, swill and guzzle + it as fast as they could. In sum, they drunk so much, and so long, that + they fell asleep like pigs, all out of order throughout the whole camp. + </p> + <p> + Let us now return to the good Pantagruel, and relate how he carried + himself in this business. Departing from the place of the trophies, he + took the mast of their ship in his hand like a pilgrim’s staff, and + put within the top of it two hundred and seven and thirty puncheons of + white wine of Anjou, the rest was of Rouen, and tied up to his girdle the + bark all full of salt, as easily as the lansquenets carry their little + panniers, and so set onward on his way with his fellow-soldiers. When he + was come near to the enemy’s camp, Panurge said unto him, Sir, if + you would do well, let down this white wine of Anjou from the scuttle of + the mast of the ship, that we may all drink thereof, like Bretons. + </p> + <p> + Hereunto Pantagruel very willingly consented, and they drank so neat that + there was not so much as one poor drop left of two hundred and seven and + thirty puncheons, except one boracho or leathern bottle of Tours which + Panurge filled for himself, for he called that his vademecum, and some + scurvy lees of wine in the bottom, which served him instead of vinegar. + After they had whittled and curried the can pretty handsomely, Panurge + gave Pantagruel to eat some devilish drugs compounded of lithotripton, + which is a stone-dissolving ingredient, nephrocatarticon, that purgeth the + reins, the marmalade of quinces, called codiniac, a confection of + cantharides, which are green flies breeding on the tops of olive-trees, + and other kinds of diuretic or piss-procuring simples. This done, + Pantagruel said to Carpalin, Go into the city, scrambling like a cat + against the wall, as you can well do, and tell them that now presently + they come out and charge their enemies as rudely as they can, and having + said so, come down, taking a lighted torch with you, wherewith you shall + set on fire all the tents and pavilions in the camp; then cry as loud as + you are able with your great voice, and then come away from thence. Yea + but, said Carpalin, were it not good to cloy all their ordnance? No, no, + said Pantagruel, only blow up all their powder. Carpalin, obeying him, + departed suddenly and did as he was appointed by Pantagruel, and all the + combatants came forth that were in the city, and when he had set fire in + the tents and pavilions, he passed so lightly through them, and so highly + and profoundly did they snort and sleep, that they never perceived him. He + came to the place where their artillery was, and set their munition on + fire. But here was the danger. The fire was so sudden that poor Carpalin + had almost been burnt. And had it not been for his wonderful agility he + had been fried like a roasting pig. But he departed away so speedily that + a bolt or arrow out of a crossbow could not have had a swifter motion. + When he was clear of their trenches, he shouted aloud, and cried out so + dreadfully, and with such amazement to the hearers, that it seemed all the + devils of hell had been let loose. At which noise the enemies awaked, but + can you tell how? Even no less astonished than are monks at the ringing of + the first peal to matins, which in Lusonnois is called rub-ballock. + </p> + <p> + In the meantime Pantagruel began to sow the salt that he had in his bark, + and because they slept with an open gaping mouth, he filled all their + throats with it, so that those poor wretches were by it made to cough like + foxes. Ha, Pantagruel, how thou addest greater heat to the firebrand that + is in us! Suddenly Pantagruel had will to piss, by means of the drugs + which Panurge had given him, and pissed amidst the camp so well and so + copiously that he drowned them all, and there was a particular deluge ten + leagues round about, of such considerable depth that the history saith, if + his father’s great mare had been there, and pissed likewise, it + would undoubtedly have been a more enormous deluge than that of Deucalion; + for she did never piss but she made a river greater than is either the + Rhone or the Danube. Which those that were come out of the city seeing, + said, They are all cruelly slain; see how the blood runs along. But they + were deceived in thinking Pantagruel’s urine had been the blood of + their enemies, for they could not see but by the light of the fire of the + pavilions and some small light of the moon. + </p> + <p> + The enemies, after that they were awaked, seeing on one side the fire in + the camp, and on the other the inundation of the urinal deluge, could not + tell what to say nor what to think. Some said that it was the end of the + world and the final judgment, which ought to be by fire. Others again + thought that the sea-gods, Neptune, Proteus, Triton, and the rest of them, + did persecute them, for that indeed they found it to be like sea-water and + salt. + </p> + <p> + O who were able now condignly to relate how Pantagruel did demean himself + against the three hundred giants! O my Muse, my Calliope, my Thalia, + inspire me at this time, restore unto me my spirits; for this is the + logical bridge of asses! Here is the pitfall, here is the difficulty, to + have ability enough to express the horrible battle that was fought. Ah, + would to God that I had now a bottle of the best wine that ever those + drank who shall read this so veridical history! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0028" id="link22HCH0028"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.XXIX.—How Pantagruel discomfited the three hundred giants + armed with free-stone, and Loupgarou their captain. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link2image-0010" id="link2image-0010"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/2-29-204.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Striking Them Down As a Mason Does--2-29-204" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + The giants, seeing all their camp drowned, carried away their king + Anarchus upon their backs as well as they could out of the fort, as Aeneas + did to his father Anchises, in the time of the conflagration of Troy. When + Panurge perceived them, he said to Pantagruel, Sir, yonder are the giants + coming forth against you; lay on them with your mast gallantly, like an + old fencer; for now is the time that you must show yourself a brave man + and an honest. And for our part we will not fail you. I myself will kill + to you a good many boldly enough; for why, David killed Goliath very + easily; and then this great lecher, Eusthenes, who is stronger than four + oxen, will not spare himself. Be of good courage, therefore, and valiant; + charge amongst them with point and edge, and by all manner of means. Well, + said Pantagruel, of courage I have more than for fifty francs, but let us + be wise, for Hercules first never undertook against two. That is well + cacked, well scummered, said Panurge; do you compare yourself with + Hercules? You have, by G—, more strength in your teeth, and more + scent in your bum, than ever Hercules had in all his body and soul. So + much is a man worth as he esteems himself. Whilst they spake those words, + behold! Loupgarou was come with all his giants, who, seeing Pantagruel in + a manner alone, was carried away with temerity and presumption, for hopes + that he had to kill the good man. Whereupon he said to his companions the + giants, You wenchers of the low country, by Mahoom! if any of you + undertake to fight against these men here, I will put you cruelly to + death. It is my will that you let me fight single. In the meantime you + shall have good sport to look upon us. + </p> + <p> + Then all the other giants retired with their king to the place where the + flagons stood, and Panurge and his comrades with them, who counterfeited + those that have had the pox, for he wreathed about his mouth, shrunk up + his fingers, and with a harsh and hoarse voice said unto them, I forsake + -od, fellow-soldiers, if I would have it to be believed that we make any + war at all. Give us somewhat to eat with you whilest our masters fight + against one another. To this the king and giants jointly condescended, and + accordingly made them to banquet with them. In the meantime Panurge told + them the follies of Turpin, the examples of St. Nicholas, and the tale of + a tub. Loupgarou then set forward towards Pantagruel, with a mace all of + steel, and that of the best sort, weighing nine thousand seven hundred + quintals and two quarterons, at the end whereof were thirteen pointed + diamonds, the least whereof was as big as the greatest bell of Our Lady’s + Church at Paris—there might want perhaps the thickness of a nail, or + at most, that I may not lie, of the back of those knives which they call + cutlugs or earcutters, but for a little off or on, more or less, it is no + matter—and it was enchanted in such sort that it could never break, + but, contrarily, all that it did touch did break immediately. Thus, then, + as he approached with great fierceness and pride of heart, Pantagruel, + casting up his eyes to heaven, recommended himself to God with all his + soul, making such a vow as followeth. + </p> + <p> + O thou Lord God, who hast always been my protector and my saviour! thou + seest the distress wherein I am at this time. Nothing brings me hither but + a natural zeal, which thou hast permitted unto mortals, to keep and defend + themselves, their wives and children, country and family, in case thy own + proper cause were not in question, which is the faith; for in such a + business thou wilt have no coadjutors, only a catholic confession and + service of thy word, and hast forbidden us all arming and defence. For + thou art the Almighty, who in thine own cause, and where thine own + business is taken to heart, canst defend it far beyond all that we can + conceive, thou who hast thousand thousands of hundreds of millions of + legions of angels, the least of which is able to kill all mortal men, and + turn about the heavens and earth at his pleasure, as heretofore it very + plainly appeared in the army of Sennacherib. If it may please thee, + therefore, at this time to assist me, as my whole trust and confidence is + in thee alone, I vow unto thee, that in all countries whatsoever wherein I + shall have any power or authority, whether in this of Utopia or elsewhere, + I will cause thy holy gospel to be purely, simply, and entirely preached, + so that the abuses of a rabble of hypocrites and false prophets, who by + human constitutions and depraved inventions have empoisoned all the world, + shall be quite exterminated from about me. + </p> + <p> + This vow was no sooner made, but there was heard a voice from heaven + saying, Hoc fac et vinces; that is to say, Do this, and thou shalt + overcome. Then Pantagruel, seeing that Loupgarou with his mouth wide open + was drawing near to him, went against him boldly, and cried out as loud as + he was able, Thou diest, villain, thou diest! purposing by his horrible + cry to make him afraid, according to the discipline of the Lacedaemonians. + Withal, he immediately cast at him out of his bark, which he wore at his + girdle, eighteen cags and four bushels of salt, wherewith he filled both + his mouth, throat, nose, and eyes. At this Loupgarou was so highly + incensed that, most fiercely setting upon him, he thought even then with a + blow of his mace to have beat out his brains. But Pantagruel was very + nimble, and had always a quick foot and a quick eye, and therefore with + his left foot did he step back one pace, yet not so nimbly but that the + blow, falling upon the bark, broke it in four thousand four score and six + pieces, and threw all the rest of the salt about the ground. Pantagruel, + seeing that, most gallantly displayed the vigour of his arms, and, + according to the art of the axe, gave him with the great end of his mast a + homethrust a little above the breast; then, bringing along the blow to the + left side, with a slash struck him between the neck and shoulders. After + that, advancing his right foot, he gave him a push upon the couillons with + the upper end of his said mast, wherewith breaking the scuttle on the top + thereof, he spilt three or four puncheons of wine that were left therein. + </p> + <p> + Upon that Loupgarou thought that he had pierced his bladder, and that the + wine that came forth had been his urine. Pantagruel, being not content + with this, would have doubled it by a side-blow; but Loupgarou, lifting up + his mace, advanced one step upon him, and with all his force would have + dashed it upon Pantagruel, wherein, to speak the truth, he so sprightfully + carried himself, that, if God had not succoured the good Pantagruel, he + had been cloven from the top of his head to the bottom of his milt. But + the blow glanced to the right side by the brisk nimbleness of Pantagruel, + and his mace sank into the ground above threescore and thirteen foot, + through a huge rock, out of which the fire did issue greater than nine + thousand and six tons. Pantagruel, seeing him busy about plucking out his + mace, which stuck in the ground between the rocks, ran upon him, and would + have clean cut off his head, if by mischance his mast had not touched a + little against the stock of Loupgarou’s mace, which was enchanted, + as we have said before. By this means his mast broke off about three + handfuls above his hand, whereat he stood amazed like a bell-founder, and + cried out, Ah, Panurge, where art thou? Panurge, seeing that, said to the + king and the giants, By G—, they will hurt one another if they be + not parted. But the giants were as merry as if they had been at a wedding. + Then Carpalin would have risen from thence to help his master; but one of + the giants said unto him, By Golfarin, the nephew of Mahoom, if thou stir + hence I will put thee in the bottom of my breeches instead of a + suppository, which cannot choose but do me good. For in my belly I am very + costive, and cannot well cagar without gnashing my teeth and making many + filthy faces. Then Pantagruel, thus destitute of a staff, took up the end + of his mast, striking athwart and alongst upon the giant, but he did him + no more hurt than you would do with a fillip upon a smith’s anvil. + In the (mean) time Loupgarou was drawing his mace out of the ground, and, + having already plucked it out, was ready therewith to have struck + Pantagruel, who, being very quick in turning, avoided all his blows in + taking only the defensive part in hand, until on a sudden he saw that + Loupgarou did threaten him with these words, saying, Now, villain, will + not I fail to chop thee as small as minced meat, and keep thee henceforth + from ever making any more poor men athirst! For then, without any more + ado, Pantagruel struck him such a blow with his foot against the belly + that he made him fall backwards, his heels over his head, and dragged him + thus along at flay-buttock above a flight-shot. Then Loupgarou cried out, + bleeding at the throat, Mahoom, Mahoom, Mahoom! at which noise all the + giants arose to succour him. But Panurge said unto them, Gentlemen, do not + go, if will believe me, for our master is mad, and strikes athwart and + alongst, he cares not where; he will do you a mischief. But the giants + made no account of it, seeing that Pantagruel had never a staff. + </p> + <p> + And when Pantagruel saw those giants approach very near unto him, he took + Loupgarou by the two feet, and lift up his body like a pike in the air, + wherewith, it being harnessed with anvils, he laid such heavy load amongst + those giants armed with free-stone, that, striking them down as a mason + doth little knobs of stones, there was not one of them that stood before + him whom he threw not flat to the ground. And by the breaking of this + stony armour there was made such a horrible rumble as put me in mind of + the fall of the butter-tower of St. Stephen’s at Bourges when it + melted before the sun. Panurge, with Carpalin and Eusthenes, did cut in + the mean time the throats of those that were struck down, in such sort + that there escaped not one. Pantagruel to any man’s sight was like a + mower, who with his scythe, which was Loupgarou, cut down the meadow + grass, to wit, the giants; but with this fencing of Pantagruel’s + Loupgarou lost his head, which happened when Pantagruel struck down one + whose name was Riflandouille, or Pudding-plunderer, who was armed + cap-a-pie with Grison stones, one chip whereof splintering abroad cut off + Epistemon’s neck clean and fair. For otherwise the most part of them + were but lightly armed with a kind of sandy brittle stone, and the rest + with slates. At last, when he saw that they were all dead, he threw the + body of Loupgarou as hard as he could against the city, where falling like + a frog upon his belly in the great Piazza thereof, he with the said fall + killed a singed he-cat, a wet she-cat, a farting duck, and a bridled + goose. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0029" id="link22HCH0029"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.XXX.—How Epistemon, who had his head cut off, was finely + healed by Panurge, and of the news which he brought from the devils, and + of the damned people in hell. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link2image-0011" id="link2image-0011"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/2-30-208.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Epictetus There Making Good Cheer--2-30-208" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + This gigantal victory being ended, Pantagruel withdrew himself to the + place of the flagons, and called for Panurge and the rest, who came unto + him safe and sound, except Eusthenes, whom one of the giants had scratched + a little in the face whilst he was about the cutting of his throat, and + Epistemon, who appeared not at all. Whereat Pantagruel was so aggrieved + that he would have killed himself. But Panurge said unto him, Nay, sir, + stay a while, and we will search for him amongst the dead, and find out + the truth of all. Thus as they went seeking after him, they found him + stark dead, with his head between his arms all bloody. Then Eusthenes + cried out, Ah, cruel death! hast thou taken from me the perfectest amongst + men? At which words Pantagruel rose up with the greatest grief that ever + any man did see, and said to Panurge, Ha, my friend! the prophecy of your + two glasses and the javelin staff was a great deal too deceitful. But + Panurge answered, My dear bullies all, weep not one drop more, for, he + being yet all hot, I will make him as sound as ever he was. In saying + this, he took the head and held it warm foregainst his codpiece, that the + wind might not enter into it. Eusthenes and Carpalin carried the body to + the place where they had banqueted, not out of any hope that ever he would + recover, but that Pantagruel might see it. + </p> + <p> + Nevertheless Panurge gave him very good comfort, saying, If I do not heal + him, I will be content to lose my head, which is a fool’s wager. + Leave off, therefore, crying, and help me. Then cleansed he his neck very + well with pure white wine, and, after that, took his head, and into it + synapised some powder of diamerdis, which he always carried about him in + one of his bags. Afterwards he anointed it with I know not what ointment, + and set it on very just, vein against vein, sinew against sinew, and + spondyle against spondyle, that he might not be wry-necked—for such + people he mortally hated. This done, he gave it round about some fifteen + or sixteen stitches with a needle that it might not fall off again; then, + on all sides and everywhere, he put a little ointment on it, which he + called resuscitative. + </p> + <p> + Suddenly Epistemon began to breathe, then opened his eyes, yawned, + sneezed, and afterwards let a great household fart. Whereupon Panurge + said, Now, certainly, he is healed,—and therefore gave him to drink + a large full glass of strong white wine, with a sugared toast. In this + fashion was Epistemon finely healed, only that he was somewhat hoarse for + above three weeks together, and had a dry cough of which he could not be + rid but by the force of continual drinking. And now he began to speak, and + said that he had seen the devil, had spoken with Lucifer familiarly, and + had been very merry in hell and in the Elysian fields, affirming very + seriously before them all that the devils were boon companions and merry + fellows. But, in respect of the damned, he said he was very sorry that + Panurge had so soon called him back into this world again; for, said he, I + took wonderful delight to see them. How so? said Pantagruel. Because they + do not use them there, said Epistemon, so badly as you think they do. + Their estate and condition of living is but only changed after a very + strange manner; for I saw Alexander the Great there amending and patching + on clouts upon old breeches and stockings, whereby he got but a very poor + living. + </p> + <p> + Xerxes was a crier of mustard. Romulus, a salter and patcher of pattens. + Numa, a nailsmith. Tarquin, a porter. Piso, a clownish swain. Sylla, a + ferryman. Cyrus, a cowherd. Themistocles, a glass-maker. Epaminondas, a + maker of mirrors or looking-glasses. Brutus and Cassius, surveyors or + measurers of land. Demosthenes, a vine-dresser. Cicero, a fire-kindler. + Fabius, a threader of beads. Artaxerxes, a rope-maker. Aeneas, a miller. + Achilles was a scaldpated maker of hay-bundles. Agamemnon, a lick-box. + Ulysses, a hay-mower. Nestor, a door-keeper or forester. Darius, a + gold-finder or jakes-farmer. Ancus Martius, a ship-trimmer. Camillus, a + foot-post. Marcellus, a sheller of beans. Drusus, a taker of money at the + doors of playhouses. Scipio Africanus, a crier of lee in a wooden slipper. + Asdrubal, a lantern-maker. Hannibal, a kettlemaker and seller of + eggshells. Priamus, a seller of old clouts. Lancelot of the Lake was a + flayer of dead horses. + </p> + <p> + All the Knights of the Round Table were poor day-labourers, employed to + row over the rivers of Cocytus, Phlegeton, Styx, Acheron, and Lethe, when + my lords the devils had a mind to recreate themselves upon the water, as + in the like occasion are hired the boatmen at Lyons, the gondoliers of + Venice, and oars at London. But with this difference, that these poor + knights have only for their fare a bob or flirt on the nose, and in the + evening a morsel of coarse mouldy bread. + </p> + <p> + Trajan was a fisher of frogs. Antoninus, a lackey. Commodus, a jet-maker. + Pertinax, a peeler of walnuts. Lucullus, a maker of rattles and hawks’-bells. + Justinian, a pedlar. Hector, a snap-sauce scullion. Paris was a poor + beggar. Cambyses, a mule-driver. + </p> + <p> + Nero, a base blind fiddler, or player on that instrument which is called a + windbroach. Fierabras was his serving-man, who did him a thousand + mischievous tricks, and would make him eat of the brown bread and drink of + the turned wine when himself did both eat and drink of the best. + </p> + <p> + Julius Caesar and Pompey were boat-wrights and tighters of ships. + </p> + <p> + Valentine and Orson did serve in the stoves of hell, and were + sweat-rubbers in hot houses. + </p> + <p> + Giglan and Govian (Gauvin) were poor swineherds. + </p> + <p> + Geoffrey with the great tooth was a tinder-maker and seller of matches. + </p> + <p> + Godfrey de Bouillon, a hood-maker. Jason was a bracelet-maker. Don Pietro + de Castille, a carrier of indulgences. Morgan, a beer-brewer. Huon of + Bordeaux, a hooper of barrels. Pyrrhus, a kitchen-scullion. Antiochus, a + chimney-sweeper. Octavian, a scraper of parchment. Nerva, a mariner. + </p> + <p> + Pope Julius was a crier of pudding-pies, but he left off wearing there his + great buggerly beard. + </p> + <p> + John of Paris was a greaser of boots. Arthur of Britain, an ungreaser of + caps. Perce-Forest, a carrier of faggots. Pope Boniface the Eighth, a + scummer of pots. Pope Nicholas the Third, a maker of paper. Pope + Alexander, a ratcatcher. Pope Sixtus, an anointer of those that have the + pox. + </p> + <p> + What, said Pantagruel, have they the pox there too? Surely, said + Epistemon, I never saw so many: there are there, I think, above a hundred + millions; for believe, that those who have not had the pox in this world + must have it in the other. + </p> + <p> + Cotsbody, said Panurge, then I am free; for I have been as far as the hole + of Gibraltar, reached unto the outmost bounds of Hercules, and gathered of + the ripest. + </p> + <p> + Ogier the Dane was a furbisher of armour. The King Tigranes, a mender of + thatched houses. Galien Restored, a taker of moldwarps. The four sons of + Aymon were all toothdrawers. Pope Calixtus was a barber of a woman’s + sine qua non. Pope Urban, a bacon-picker. Melusina was a kitchen + drudge-wench. Matabrune, a laundress. Cleopatra, a crier of onions. Helen, + a broker for chambermaids. Semiramis, the beggars’ lice-killer. Dido + did sell mushrooms. Penthesilea sold cresses. Lucretia was an + alehouse-keeper. Hortensia, a spinstress. Livia, a grater of verdigris. + </p> + <p> + After this manner, those that had been great lords and ladies here, got + but a poor scurvy wretched living there below. And, on the contrary, the + philosophers and others, who in this world had been altogether indigent + and wanting, were great lords there in their turn. I saw Diogenes there + strut it out most pompously, and in great magnificence, with a rich purple + gown on him, and a golden sceptre in his right hand. And, which is more, + he would now and then make Alexander the Great mad, so enormously would he + abuse him when he had not well patched his breeches; for he used to pay + his skin with sound bastinadoes. I saw Epictetus there, most gallantly + apparelled after the French fashion, sitting under a pleasant arbour, with + store of handsome gentlewomen, frolicking, drinking, dancing, and making + good cheer, with abundance of crowns of the sun. Above the lattice were + written these verses for his device: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +To leap and dance, to sport and play, +And drink good wine both white and brown, +Or nothing else do all the day +But tell bags full of many a crown. +</pre> + <p> + When he saw me, he invited me to drink with him very courteously, and I + being willing to be entreated, we tippled and chopined together most + theologically. In the meantime came Cyrus to beg one farthing of him for + the honour of Mercury, therewith to buy a few onions for his supper. No, + no, said Epictetus, I do not use in my almsgiving to bestow farthings. + Hold, thou varlet, there’s a crown for thee; be an honest man. Cyrus + was exceeding glad to have met with such a booty; but the other poor + rogues, the kings that are there below, as Alexander, Darius, and others, + stole it away from him by night. I saw Pathelin, the treasurer of + Rhadamanthus, who, in cheapening the pudding-pies that Pope Julius cried, + asked him how much a dozen. Three blanks, said the Pope. Nay, said + Pathelin, three blows with a cudgel. Lay them down here, you rascal, and + go fetch more. The poor Pope went away weeping, who, when he came to his + master, the pie-maker, told him that they had taken away his pudding-pies. + Whereupon his master gave him such a sound lash with an eel-skin, that his + own would have been worth nothing to make bag-pipe-bags of. I saw Master + John Le Maire there personate the Pope in such fashion that he made all + the poor kings and popes of this world kiss his feet, and, taking great + state upon him, gave them his benediction, saying, Get the pardons, + rogues, get the pardons; they are good cheap. I absolve you of bread and + pottage, and dispense with you to be never good for anything. Then, + calling Caillet and Triboulet to him, he spoke these words, My lords the + cardinals, despatch their bulls, to wit, to each of them a blow with a + cudgel upon the reins. Which accordingly was forthwith performed. I heard + Master Francis Villon ask Xerxes, How much the mess of mustard? A + farthing, said Xerxes. To which the said Villon answered, The pox take + thee for a villain! As much of square-eared wheat is not worth half that + price, and now thou offerest to enhance the price of victuals. With this + he pissed in his pot, as the mustard-makers of Paris used to do. I saw the + trained bowman of the bathing tub, known by the name of the Francarcher de + Baignolet, who, being one of the trustees of the Inquisition, when he saw + Perce-Forest making water against a wall in which was painted the fire of + St. Anthony, declared him heretic, and would have caused him to be burnt + alive had it not been for Morgant, who, for his proficiat and other small + fees, gave him nine tuns of beer. + </p> + <p> + Well, said Pantagruel, reserve all these fair stories for another time, + only tell us how the usurers are there handled. I saw them, said + Epistemon, all very busily employed in seeking of rusty pins and old nails + in the kennels of the streets, as you see poor wretched rogues do in this + world. But the quintal, or hundredweight, of this old ironware is there + valued but at the price of a cantle of bread, and yet they have but a very + bad despatch and riddance in the sale of it. Thus the poor misers are + sometimes three whole weeks without eating one morsel or crumb of bread, + and yet work both day and night, looking for the fair to come. + Nevertheless, of all this labour, toil, and misery, they reckon nothing, + so cursedly active they are in the prosecution of that their base calling, + in hopes, at the end of the year, to earn some scurvy penny by it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2image-0012" id="link2image-0012"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/2-30-210.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Seeking of Rusty Pins and Old Nails--2-30-210" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + Come, said Pantagruel, let us now make ourselves merry one bout, and + drink, my lads, I beseech you, for it is very good drinking all this + month. Then did they uncase their flagons by heaps and dozens, and with + their leaguer-provision made excellent good cheer. But the poor King + Anarchus could not all this while settle himself towards any fit of mirth; + whereupon Panurge said, Of what trade shall we make my lord the king here, + that he may be skilful in the art when he goes thither to sojourn amongst + all the devils of hell? Indeed, said Pantagruel, that was well advised of + thee. Do with him what thou wilt, I give him to thee. Gramercy, said + Panurge, the present is not to be refused, and I love it from you. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0030" id="link22HCH0030"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.XXXI.—How Pantagruel entered into the city of the + Amaurots, and how Panurge married King Anarchus to an old lantern-carrying + hag, and made him a crier of green sauce. + </h2> + <p> + After this wonderful victory, Pantagruel sent Carpalin unto the city of + the Amaurots to declare and signify unto them how the King Anarchus was + taken prisoner and all the enemies of the city overthrown. Which news when + they heard all the inhabitants of the city came forth to meet him in good + order, and with a great triumphant pomp, conducting him with a heavenly + joy into the city, where innumerable bonfires were set on through all the + parts thereof, and fair round tables, which were furnished with store of + good victuals, set out in the middle of the streets. This was a renewing + of the golden age in the time of Saturn, so good was the cheer which then + they made. + </p> + <p> + But Pantagruel, having assembled the whole senate and common councilmen of + the town, said, My masters, we must now strike the iron whilst it is hot. + It is therefore my will that, before we frolic it any longer, we advise + how to assault and take the whole kingdom of the Dipsodes. To which effect + let those that will go with me provide themselves against to-morrow after + drinking, for then will I begin to march. Not that I need any more men + than I have to help me to conquer it, for I could make it as sure that way + as if I had it already; but I see this city is so full of inhabitants that + they scarce can turn in the streets. I will, therefore, carry them as a + colony into Dipsody, and will give them all that country, which is fair, + wealthy, fruitful, and pleasant, above all other countries in the world, + as many of you can tell who have been there heretofore. Everyone of you, + therefore, that will go along, let him provide himself as I have said. + This counsel and resolution being published in the city, the next morning + there assembled in the piazza before the palace to the number of eighteen + hundred fifty-six thousand and eleven, besides women and little children. + Thus began they to march straight into Dipsody, in such good order as did + the people of Israel when they departed out of Egypt to pass over the Red + Sea. + </p> + <p> + But before we proceed any further in this purpose, I will tell you how + Panurge handled his prisoner the King Anarchus; for, having remembered + that which Epistemon had related, how the kings and rich men in this world + were used in the Elysian fields, and how they got their living there by + base and ignoble trades, he, therefore, one day apparelled his king in a + pretty little canvas doublet, all jagged and pinked like the tippet of a + light horseman’s cap, together with a pair of large mariner’s + breeches, and stockings without shoes,—For, said he, they would but + spoil his sight, —and a little peach-coloured bonnet with a great + capon’s feather in it—I lie, for I think he had two—and + a very handsome girdle of a sky-colour and green (in French called pers et + vert), saying that such a livery did become him well, for that he had + always been perverse, and in this plight bringing him before Pantagruel, + said unto him, Do you know this roister? No, indeed, said Pantagruel. It + is, said Panurge, my lord the king of the three batches, or threadbare + sovereign. I intend to make him an honest man. These devilish kings which + we have here are but as so many calves; they know nothing and are good for + nothing but to do a thousand mischiefs to their poor subjects, and to + trouble all the world with war for their unjust and detestable pleasure. I + will put him to a trade, and make him a crier of green sauce. Go to, begin + and cry, Do you lack any green sauce? and the poor devil cried. That is + too low, said Panurge; then took him by the ear, saying, Sing higher in + Ge, sol, re, ut. So, so poor devil, thou hast a good throat; thou wert + never so happy as to be no longer king. And Pantagruel made himself merry + with all this; for I dare boldly say that he was the best little gaffer + that was to be seen between this and the end of a staff. Thus was Anarchus + made a good crier of green sauce. Two days thereafter Panurge married him + with an old lantern-carrying hag, and he himself made the wedding with + fine sheep’s heads, brave haslets with mustard, gallant salligots + with garlic, of which he sent five horseloads unto Pantagruel, which he + ate up all, he found them so appetizing. And for their drink they had a + kind of small well-watered wine, and some sorbapple-cider. And, to make + them dance, he hired a blind man that made music to them with a + wind-broach. + </p> + <p> + After dinner he led them to the palace and showed them to Pantagruel, and + said, pointing to the married woman, You need not fear that she will + crack. Why? said Pantagruel. Because, said Panurge, she is well slit and + broke up already. What do you mean by that? said Pantagruel. Do not you + see, said Panurge, that the chestnuts which are roasted in the fire, if + they be whole they crack as if they were mad, and, to keep them from + cracking, they make an incision in them and slit them? So this new bride + is in her lower parts well slit before, and therefore will not crack + behind. + </p> + <p> + Pantagruel gave them a little lodge near the lower street and a mortar of + stone wherein to bray and pound their sauce, and in this manner did they + do their little business, he being as pretty a crier of green sauce as + ever was seen in the country of Utopia. But I have been told since that + his wife doth beat him like plaister, and the poor sot dare not defend + himself, he is so simple. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0031" id="link22HCH0031"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.XXXII.—How Pantagruel with his tongue covered a whole + army, and what the author saw in his mouth. + </h2> + <p> + Thus, as Pantagruel with all his army had entered into the country of the + Dipsodes, everyone was glad of it, and incontinently rendered themselves + unto him, bringing him out of their own good wills the keys of all the + cities where he went, the Almirods only excepted, who, being resolved to + hold out against him, made answer to his heralds that they would not yield + but upon very honourable and good conditions. + </p> + <p> + What! said Pantagruel, do they ask any better terms than the hand at the + pot and the glass in their fist? Come, let us go sack them, and put them + all to the sword. Then did they put themselves in good order, as being + fully determined to give an assault, but by the way, passing through a + large field, they were overtaken with a great shower of rain, whereat they + began to shiver and tremble, to crowd, press, and thrust close to one + another. When Pantagruel saw that, he made their captains tell them that + it was nothing, and that he saw well above the clouds that it would be + nothing but a little dew; but, howsoever, that they should put themselves + in order, and he would cover them. Then did they put themselves in a close + order, and stood as near to (each) other as they could, and Pantagruel + drew out his tongue only half-way and covered them all, as a hen doth her + chickens. In the meantime, I, who relate to you these so veritable + stories, hid myself under a burdock-leaf, which was not much less in + largeness than the arch of the bridge of Montrible, but when I saw them + thus covered, I went towards them to shelter myself likewise; which I + could not do, for that they were so, as the saying is, At the yard’s + end there is no cloth left. Then, as well as I could, I got upon it, and + went along full two leagues upon his tongue, and so long marched that at + last I came into his mouth. But, O gods and goddesses! what did I see + there? Jupiter confound me with his trisulc lightning if I lie! I walked + there as they do in Sophia (at) Constantinople, and saw there great rocks, + like the mountains in Denmark—I believe that those were his teeth. I + saw also fair meadows, large forests, great and strong cities not a jot + less than Lyons or Poictiers. The first man I met with there was a good + honest fellow planting coleworts, whereat being very much amazed, I asked + him, My friend, what dost thou make here? I plant coleworts, said he. But + how, and wherewith? said I. Ha, sir, said he, everyone cannot have his + ballocks as heavy as a mortar, neither can we be all rich. Thus do I get + my poor living, and carry them to the market to sell in the city which is + here behind. Jesus! said I, is there here a new world? Sure, said he, it + is never a jot new, but it is commonly reported that, without this, there + is an earth, whereof the inhabitants enjoy the light of a sun and a moon, + and that it is full of and replenished with very good commodities; but yet + this is more ancient than that. Yea but, said I, my friend, what is the + name of that city whither thou carriest thy coleworts to sell? It is + called Aspharage, said he, and all the indwellers are Christians, very + honest men, and will make you good cheer. To be brief, I resolved to go + thither. Now, in my way, I met with a fellow that was lying in wait to + catch pigeons, of whom I asked, My friend, from whence come these pigeons? + Sir, said he, they come from the other world. Then I thought that, when + Pantagruel yawned, the pigeons went into his mouth in whole flocks, + thinking that it had been a pigeon-house. + </p> + <p> + Then I went into the city, which I found fair, very strong, and seated in + a good air; but at my entry the guard demanded of me my pass or ticket. + Whereat I was much astonished, and asked them, My masters, is there any + danger of the plague here? O Lord! said they, they die hard by here so + fast that the cart runs about the streets. Good God! said I, and where? + Whereunto they answered that it was in Larynx and Pharynx, which are two + great cities such as Rouen and Nantes, rich and of great trading. And the + cause of the plague was by a stinking and infectious exhalation which + lately vapoured out of the abysms, whereof there have died above two and + twenty hundred and threescore thousand and sixteen persons within this + sevennight. Then I considered, calculated, and found that it was a rank + and unsavoury breathing which came out of Pantagruel’s stomach when + he did eat so much garlic, as we have aforesaid. + </p> + <p> + Parting from thence, I passed amongst the rocks, which were his teeth, and + never left walking till I got up on one of them; and there I found the + pleasantest places in the world, great large tennis-courts, fair + galleries, sweet meadows, store of vines, and an infinite number of + banqueting summer outhouses in the fields, after the Italian fashion, full + of pleasure and delight, where I stayed full four months, and never made + better cheer in my life as then. After that I went down by the hinder + teeth to come to the chaps. But in the way I was robbed by thieves in a + great forest that is in the territory towards the ears. Then, after a + little further travelling, I fell upon a pretty petty village—truly + I have forgot the name of it—where I was yet merrier than ever, and + got some certain money to live by. Can you tell how? By sleeping. For + there they hire men by the day to sleep, and they get by it sixpence a + day, but they that can snort hard get at least ninepence. How I had been + robbed in the valley I informed the senators, who told me that, in very + truth, the people of that side were bad livers and naturally thievish, + whereby I perceived well that, as we have with us the countries Cisalpine + and Transalpine, that is, behither and beyond the mountains, so have they + there the countries Cidentine and Tradentine, that is, behither and beyond + the teeth. But it is far better living on this side, and the air is purer. + Then I began to think that it is very true which is commonly said, that + the one half of the world knoweth not how the other half liveth; seeing + none before myself had ever written of that country, wherein are above + five-and-twenty kingdoms inhabited, besides deserts, and a great arm of + the sea. Concerning which purpose I have composed a great book, entitled, + The History of the Throttias, because they dwell in the throat of my + master Pantagruel. + </p> + <p> + At last I was willing to return, and, passing by his beard, I cast myself + upon his shoulders, and from thence slid down to the ground, and fell + before him. As soon as I was perceived by him, he asked me, Whence comest + thou, Alcofribas? I answered him, Out of your mouth, my lord. And how long + hast thou been there? said he. Since the time, said I, that you went + against the Almirods. That is about six months ago, said he. And wherewith + didst thou live? What didst thou drink? I answered, My lord, of the same + that you did, and of the daintiest morsels that passed through your throat + I took toll. Yea but, said he, where didst thou shite? In your throat, my + lord, said I. Ha, ha! thou art a merry fellow, said he. We have with the + help of God conquered all the land of the Dipsodes; I will give thee the + Chastelleine, or Lairdship of Salmigondin. Gramercy, my lord, said I, you + gratify me beyond all that I have deserved of you. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0032" id="link22HCH0032"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.XXXIII.—How Pantagruel became sick, and the manner how he + was recovered. + </h2> + <p> + A while after this the good Pantagruel fell sick, and had such an + obstruction in his stomach that he could neither eat nor drink; and, + because mischief seldom comes alone, a hot piss seized on him, which + tormented him more than you would believe. His physicians nevertheless + helped him very well, and with store of lenitives and diuretic drugs made + him piss away his pain. His urine was so hot that since that time it is + not yet cold, and you have of it in divers places of France, according to + the course that it took, and they are called the hot baths, as— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +At Coderets. +At Limous. +At Dast. +At Ballervie (Balleruc). +At Neric. +At Bourbonansie, and elsewhere in Italy. +At Mongros. +At Appone. +At Sancto Petro de Padua. +At St. Helen. +At Casa Nuova. +At St. Bartholomew, in the county of Boulogne. +At the Porrette, and a thousand other places. +</pre> + <p> + And I wonder much at a rabble of foolish philosophers and physicians, who + spend their time in disputing whence the heat of the said waters cometh, + whether it be by reason of borax, or sulphur, or alum, or saltpetre, that + is within the mine. For they do nothing but dote, and better were it for + them to rub their arse against a thistle than to waste away their time + thus in disputing of that whereof they know not the original; for the + resolution is easy, neither need we to inquire any further than that the + said baths came by a hot piss of the good Pantagruel. + </p> + <p> + Now to tell you after what manner he was cured of his principal disease. I + let pass how for a minorative or gentle potion he took four hundred pound + weight of colophoniac scammony, six score and eighteen cartloads of + cassia, an eleven thousand and nine hundred pound weight of rhubarb, + besides other confuse jumblings of sundry drugs. You must understand that + by the advice of the physicians it was ordained that what did offend his + stomach should be taken away; and therefore they made seventeen great + balls of copper, each whereof was bigger than that which is to be seen on + the top of St. Peter’s needle at Rome, and in such sort that they + did open in the midst and shut with a spring. Into one of them entered one + of his men carrying a lantern and a torch lighted, and so Pantagruel + swallowed him down like a little pill. Into seven others went seven + country-fellows, having every one of them a shovel on his neck. Into nine + others entered nine wood-carriers, having each of them a basket hung at + his neck, and so were they swallowed down like pills. When they were in + his stomach, every one undid his spring, and came out of their cabins. The + first whereof was he that carried the lantern, and so they fell more than + half a league into a most horrible gulf, more stinking and infectious than + ever was Mephitis, or the marshes of the Camerina, or the abominably + unsavoury lake of Sorbona, whereof Strabo maketh mention. And had it not + been that they had very well antidoted their stomach, heart, and wine-pot, + which is called the noddle, they had been altogether suffocated and choked + with these detestable vapours. O what a perfume! O what an evaporation + wherewith to bewray the masks or mufflers of young mangy queans. After + that, with groping and smelling they came near to the faecal matter and + the corrupted humours. Finally, they found a montjoy or heap of ordure and + filth. Then fell the pioneers to work to dig it up, and the rest with + their shovels filled the baskets; and when all was cleansed every one + retired himself into his ball. + </p> + <p> + This done, Pantagruel enforcing himself to vomit, very easily brought them + out, and they made no more show in his mouth than a fart in yours. But, + when they came merrily out of their pills, I thought upon the Grecians + coming out of the Trojan horse. By this means was he healed and brought + unto his former state and convalescence; and of these brazen pills, or + rather copper balls, you have one at Orleans, upon the steeple of the Holy + Cross Church. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link22HCH0033" id="link22HCH0033"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 2.XXXIV.—The conclusion of this present book, and the excuse + of the author. + </h2> + <p> + Now, my masters, you have heard a beginning of the horrific history of my + lord and master Pantagruel. Here will I make an end of the first book. My + head aches a little, and I perceive that the registers of my brain are + somewhat jumbled and disordered with this Septembral juice. You shall have + the rest of the history at Frankfort mart next coming, and there shall you + see how Panurge was married and made a cuckold within a month after his + wedding; how Pantagruel found out the philosopher’s stone, the + manner how he found it, and the way how to use it; how he passed over the + Caspian mountains, and how he sailed through the Atlantic sea, defeated + the Cannibals, and conquered the isles of Pearls; how he married the + daughter of the King of India, called Presthan; how he fought against the + devil and burnt up five chambers of hell, ransacked the great black + chamber, threw Proserpina into the fire, broke five teeth to Lucifer, and + the horn that was in his arse; how he visited the regions of the moon to + know whether indeed the moon were not entire and whole, or if the women + had three quarters of it in their heads, and a thousand other little + merriments all veritable. These are brave things truly. Good night, + gentlemen. Perdonate mi, and think not so much upon my faults that you + forget your own. + </p> + <p> + If you say to me, Master, it would seem that you were not very wise in + writing to us these flimflam stories and pleasant fooleries; I answer you, + that you are not much wiser to spend your time in reading them. + Nevertheless, if you read them to make yourselves merry, as in manner of + pastime I wrote them, you and I both are far more worthy of pardon than a + great rabble of squint-minded fellows, dissembling and counterfeit saints, + demure lookers, hypocrites, pretended zealots, tough friars, buskin-monks, + and other such sects of men, who disguise themselves like masquers to + deceive the world. For, whilst they give the common people to understand + that they are busied about nothing but contemplation and devotion in + fastings and maceration of their sensuality—and that only to sustain + and aliment the small frailty of their humanity—it is so far + otherwise that, on the contrary, God knows what cheer they make; Et Curios + simulant, sed Bacchanalia vivunt. You may read it in great letters in the + colouring of their red snouts, and gulching bellies as big as a tun, + unless it be when they perfume themselves with sulphur. As for their + study, it is wholly taken up in reading of Pantagruelian books, not so + much to pass the time merrily as to hurt someone or other mischievously, + to wit, in articling, sole-articling, wry-neckifying, buttock-stirring, + ballocking, and diabliculating, that is, calumniating. Wherein they are + like unto the poor rogues of a village that are busy in stirring up and + scraping in the ordure and filth of little children, in the season of + cherries and guinds, and that only to find the kernels, that they may sell + them to the druggists to make thereof pomander oil. Fly from these men, + abhor and hate them as much as I do, and upon my faith you will find + yourselves the better for it. And if you desire to be good Pantagruelists, + that is to say, to live in peace, joy, health, making yourselves always + merry, never trust those men that always peep out at one hole. + </p> + <p> + End of Book II. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </p> + <h2> + THE THIRD BOOK + </h2> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h4> + Francois Rabelais to the Soul of the Deceased Queen of Navarre. + </h4> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + Abstracted soul, ravished with ecstasies,<br /> Gone back, and now + familiar in the skies,<br /> Thy former host, thy body, leaving quite,<br /> + Which to obey thee always took delight,—<br /> Obsequious, ready,—now + from motion free,<br /> Senseless, and as it were in apathy,<br /> + Wouldst thou not issue forth for a short space,<br /> From that divine, + eternal, heavenly place,<br /> To see the third part, in this earthy + cell,<br /> Of the brave acts of good Pantagruel?<br /> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /> + </p> + <h2> + The Author’s Prologue. + </h2> + <p> + Good people, most illustrious drinkers, and you, thrice precious gouty + gentlemen, did you ever see Diogenes, and cynic philosopher? If you have + seen him, you then had your eyes in your head, or I am very much out of my + understanding and logical sense. It is a gallant thing to see the + clearness of (wine, gold,) the sun. I’ll be judged by the blind born + so renowned in the sacred Scriptures, who, having at his choice to ask + whatever he would from him who is Almighty, and whose word in an instant + is effectually performed, asked nothing else but that he might see. Item, + you are not young, which is a competent quality for you to philosophate + more than physically in wine, not in vain, and henceforwards to be of the + Bacchic Council; to the end that, opining there, you may give your opinion + faithfully of the substance, colour, excellent odour, eminency, propriety, + faculty, virtue, and effectual dignity of the said blessed and desired + liquor. + </p> + <p> + If you have not seen him, as I am easily induced to believe that you have + not, at least you have heard some talk of him. For through the air, and + the whole extent of this hemisphere of the heavens, hath his report and + fame, even until this present time, remained very memorable and renowned. + Then all of you are derived from the Phrygian blood, if I be not deceived. + If you have not so many crowns as Midas had, yet have you something, I + know not what, of him, which the Persians of old esteemed more of in all + their otacusts, and which was more desired by the Emperor Antonine, and + gave occasion thereafter to the Basilico at Rohan to be surnamed Goodly + Ears. If you have not heard of him, I will presently tell you a story to + make your wine relish. Drink then,—so, to the purpose. Hearken now + whilst I give you notice, to the end that you may not, like infidels, be + by your simplicity abused, that in his time he was a rare philosopher and + the cheerfullest of a thousand. If he had some imperfection, so have you, + so have we; for there is nothing, but God, that is perfect. Yet so it was, + that by Alexander the Great, although he had Aristotle for his instructor + and domestic, was he held in such estimation, that he wished, if he had + not been Alexander, to have been Diogenes the Sinopian. + </p> + <p> + When Philip, King of Macedon, enterprised the siege and ruin of Corinth, + the Corinthians having received certain intelligence by their spies that + he with a numerous army in battle-rank was coming against them, were all + of them, not without cause, most terribly afraid; and therefore were not + neglective of their duty in doing their best endeavours to put themselves + in a fit posture to resist his hostile approach and defend their own city. + </p> + <p> + Some from the fields brought into the fortified places their movables, + bestial, corn, wine, fruit, victuals, and other necessary provision. + </p> + <p> + Others did fortify and rampire their walls, set up little fortresses, + bastions, squared ravelins, digged trenches, cleansed countermines, fenced + themselves with gabions, contrived platforms, emptied casemates, + barricaded the false brays, erected the cavaliers, repaired the + counterscarps, plastered the curtains, lengthened ravelins, stopped + parapets, morticed barbacans, assured the portcullises, fastened the + herses, sarasinesques, and cataracts, placed their sentries, and doubled + their patrol. Everyone did watch and ward, and not one was exempted from + carrying the basket. Some polished corslets, varnished backs and breasts, + cleaned the headpieces, mail-coats, brigandines, salads, helmets, morions, + jacks, gushets, gorgets, hoguines, brassars, and cuissars, corslets, + haubergeons, shields, bucklers, targets, greaves, gauntlets, and spurs. + Others made ready bows, slings, crossbows, pellets, catapults, migrains or + fire-balls, firebrands, balists, scorpions, and other such warlike engines + expugnatory and destructive to the Hellepolides. They sharpened and + prepared spears, staves, pikes, brown bills, halberds, long hooks, lances, + zagayes, quarterstaves, eelspears, partisans, troutstaves, clubs, + battle-axes, maces, darts, dartlets, glaives, javelins, javelots, and + truncheons. They set edges upon scimitars, cutlasses, badelairs, + backswords, tucks, rapiers, bayonets, arrow-heads, dags, daggers, + mandousians, poniards, whinyards, knives, skeans, shables, chipping + knives, and raillons. + </p> + <p> + Every man exercised his weapon, every man scoured off the rust from his + natural hanger; nor was there a woman amongst them, though never so + reserved or old, who made not her harness to be well furbished; as you + know the Corinthian women of old were reputed very courageous combatants. + </p> + <p> + Diogenes seeing them all so warm at work, and himself not employed by the + magistrates in any business whatsoever, he did very seriously, for many + days together, without speaking one word, consider and contemplate the + countenance of his fellow-citizens. + </p> + <p> + Then on a sudden, as if he had been roused up and inspired by a martial + spirit, he girded his cloak scarfwise about his left arm, tucked up his + sleeves to the elbow, trussed himself like a clown gathering apples, and, + giving to one of his old acquaintance his wallet, books, and opistographs, + away went he out of town towards a little hill or promontory of Corinth + called (the) Cranie; and there on the strand, a pretty level place, did he + roll his jolly tub, which served him for a house to shelter him from the + injuries of the weather: there, I say, in a great vehemency of spirit, did + he turn it, veer it, wheel it, whirl it, frisk it, jumble it, shuffle it, + huddle it, tumble it, hurry it, jolt it, justle it, overthrow it, evert + it, invert it, subvert it, overturn it, beat it, thwack it, bump it, + batter it, knock it, thrust it, push it, jerk it, shock it, shake it, toss + it, throw it, overthrow it, upside down, topsy-turvy, arsiturvy, tread it, + trample it, stamp it, tap it, ting it, ring it, tingle it, towl it, sound + it, resound it, stop it, shut it, unbung it, close it, unstopple it. And + then again in a mighty bustle he bandied it, slubbered it, hacked it, + whittled it, wayed it, darted it, hurled it, staggered it, reeled it, + swinged it, brangled it, tottered it, lifted it, heaved it, transformed + it, transfigured it, transposed it, transplaced it, reared it, raised it, + hoised it, washed it, dighted it, cleansed it, rinsed it, nailed it, + settled it, fastened it, shackled it, fettered it, levelled it, blocked + it, tugged it, tewed it, carried it, bedashed it, bewrayed it, parched it, + mounted it, broached it, nicked it, notched it, bespattered it, decked it, + adorned it, trimmed it, garnished it, gauged it, furnished it, bored it, + pierced it, trapped it, rumbled it, slid it down the hill, and + precipitated it from the very height of the Cranie; then from the foot to + the top (like another Sisyphus with his stone) bore it up again, and every + way so banged it and belaboured it that it was ten thousand to one he had + not struck the bottom of it out. + </p> + <p> + Which when one of his friends had seen, and asked him why he did so toil + his body, perplex his spirit, and torment his tub, the philosopher’s + answer was that, not being employed in any other charge by the Republic, + he thought it expedient to thunder and storm it so tempestuously upon his + tub, that amongst a people so fervently busy and earnest at work he alone + might not seem a loitering slug and lazy fellow. To the same purpose may I + say of myself, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Though I be rid from fear, +I am not void of care. +</pre> + <p> + For, perceiving no account to be made of me towards the discharge of a + trust of any great concernment, and considering that through all the parts + of this most noble kingdom of France, both on this and on the other side + of the mountains, everyone is most diligently exercised and busied, some + in the fortifying of their own native country for its defence, others in + the repulsing of their enemies by an offensive war; and all this with a + policy so excellent and such admirable order, so manifestly profitable for + the future, whereby France shall have its frontiers most magnifically + enlarged, and the French assured of a long and well-grounded peace, that + very little withholds me from the opinion of good Heraclitus, which + affirmeth war to be the father of all good things; and therefore do I + believe that war is in Latin called bellum, not by antiphrasis, as some + patchers of old rusty Latin would have us to think, because in war there + is little beauty to be seen, but absolutely and simply; for that in war + appeareth all that is good and graceful, and that by the wars is purged + out all manner of wickedness and deformity. For proof whereof the wise and + pacific Solomon could no better represent the unspeakable perfection of + the divine wisdom, than by comparing it to the due disposure and ranking + of an army in battle array, well provided and ordered. + </p> + <p> + Therefore, by reason of my weakness and inability, being reputed by my + compatriots unfit for the offensive part of warfare; and on the other + side, being no way employed in matter of the defensive, although it had + been but to carry burthens, fill ditches, or break clods, either whereof + had been to me indifferent, I held it not a little disgraceful to be only + an idle spectator of so many valorous, eloquent, and warlike persons, who + in the view and sight of all Europe act this notable interlude or + tragi-comedy, and not make some effort towards the performance of this, + nothing at all remains for me to be done (‘And not exert myself, and + contribute thereto this nothing, my all, which remained for me to do.’—Ozell.). + In my opinion, little honour is due to such as are mere lookers-on, + liberal of their eyes, and of their crowns, and hide their silver; + scratching their head with one finger like grumbling puppies, gaping at + the flies like tithe calves; clapping down their ears like Arcadian asses + at the melody of musicians, who with their very countenances in the depth + of silence express their consent to the prosopopoeia. Having made this + choice and election, it seemed to me that my exercise therein would be + neither unprofitable nor troublesome to any, whilst I should thus set + a-going my Diogenical tub, which is all that is left me safe from the + shipwreck of my former misfortunes. + </p> + <p> + At this dingle dangle wagging of my tub, what would you have me to do? By + the Virgin that tucks up her sleeve, I know not as yet. Stay a little, + till I suck up a draught of this bottle; it is my true and only Helicon; + it is my Caballine fountain; it is my sole enthusiasm. Drinking thus, I + meditate, discourse, resolve, and conclude. After that the epilogue is + made, I laugh, I write, I compose, and drink again. Ennius drinking wrote, + and writing drank. Aeschylus, if Plutarch in his Symposiacs merit any + faith, drank composing, and drinking composed. Homer never wrote fasting, + and Cato never wrote till after he had drunk. These passages I have + brought before you to the end you may not say that I lived without the + example of men well praised and better prized. It is good and fresh + enough, even as if you would say it is entering upon the second degree. + God, the good God Sabaoth, that is to say, the God of armies, be praised + for it eternally! If you after the same manner would take one great + draught, or two little ones, whilst you have your gown about you, I truly + find no kind of inconveniency in it, provided you send up to God for all + some small scantling of thanks. + </p> + <p> + Since then my luck or destiny is such as you have heard—for it is + not for everybody to go to Corinth—I am fully resolved to be so + little idle and unprofitable, that I will set myself to serve the one and + the other sort of people. Amongst the diggers, pioneers, and + rampire-builders, I will do as did Neptune and Apollo at Troy under + Laomedon, or as did Renault of Montauban in his latter days: I will serve + the masons, I’ll set on the pot to boil for the bricklayers; and, + whilst the minced meat is making ready at the sound of my small pipe, I’ll + measure the muzzle of the musing dotards. Thus did Amphion with the melody + of his harp found, build, and finish the great and renowned city of + Thebes. + </p> + <p> + For the use of the warriors I am about to broach of new my barrel to give + them a taste (which by two former volumes of mine, if by the deceitfulness + and falsehood of printers they had not been jumbled, marred, and spoiled, + you would have very well relished), and draw unto them, of the growth of + our own trippery pastimes, a gallant third part of a gallon, and + consequently a jolly cheerful quart of Pantagruelic sentences, which you + may lawfully call, if you please, Diogenical: and shall have me, seeing I + cannot be their fellow-soldier, for their faithful butler, refreshing and + cheering, according to my little power, their return from the alarms of + the enemy; as also for an indefatigable extoller of their martial exploits + and glorious achievements. I shall not fail therein, par lapathium acutum + de dieu; if Mars fail not in Lent, which the cunning lecher, I warrant + you, will be loth to do. + </p> + <p> + I remember nevertheless to have read, that Ptolemy, the son of Lagus, one + day, amongst the many spoils and booties which by his victories he had + acquired, presenting to the Egyptians, in the open view of the people, a + Bactrian camel all black, and a party-coloured slave, in such sort as that + the one half of his body was black and the other white, not in partition + of breadth by the diaphragma, as was that woman consecrated to the Indian + Venus whom the Tyanean philosopher did see between the river Hydaspes and + Mount Caucasus, but in a perpendicular dimension of altitude; which were + things never before that seen in Egypt. He expected by the show of these + novelties to win the love of the people. But what happened thereupon? At + the production of the camel they were all affrighted, and offended at the + sight of the party-coloured man—some scoffed at him as a detestable + monster brought forth by the error of nature; in a word, of the hope which + he had to please these Egyptians, and by such means to increase the + affection which they naturally bore him, he was altogether frustrate and + disappointed; understanding fully by their deportments that they took more + pleasure and delight in things that were proper, handsome, and perfect, + than in misshapen, monstrous, and ridiculous creatures. Since which time + he had both the slave and the camel in such dislike, that very shortly + thereafter, either through negligence, or for want of ordinary sustenance, + they did exchange their life with death. + </p> + <p> + This example putteth me in a suspense between hope and fear, misdoubting + that, for the contentment which I aim at, I will but reap what shall be + most distasteful to me: my cake will be dough, and for my Venus I shall + have but some deformed puppy: instead of serving them, I shall but vex + them, and offend them whom I purpose to exhilarate; resembling in this + dubious adventure Euclion’s cook, so renowned by Plautus in his Pot, + and by Ausonius in his Griphon, and by divers others; which cook, for + having by his scraping discovered a treasure, had his hide well curried. + Put the case I get no anger by it, though formerly such things fell out, + and the like may occur again. Yet, by Hercules! it will not. So I perceive + in them all one and the same specifical form, and the like individual + properties, which our ancestors called Pantagruelism; by virtue whereof + they will bear with anything that floweth from a good, free, and loyal + heart. I have seen them ordinarily take goodwill in part of payment, and + remain satisfied therewith when one was not able to do better. Having + despatched this point, I return to my barrel. + </p> + <p> + Up, my lads, to this wine, spare it not! Drink, boys, and trowl it off at + full bowls! If you do not think it good, let it alone. I am not like those + officious and importunate sots, who by force, outrage, and violence, + constrain an easy good-natured fellow to whiffle, quaff, carouse, and what + is worse. All honest tipplers, all honest gouty men, all such as are + a-dry, coming to this little barrel of mine, need not drink thereof if it + please them not; but if they have a mind to it, and that the wine prove + agreeable to the tastes of their worshipful worships, let them drink, + frankly, freely, and boldly, without paying anything, and welcome. This is + my decree, my statute and ordinance. + </p> + <p> + And let none fear there shall be any want of wine, as at the marriage of + Cana in Galilee; for how much soever you shall draw forth at the faucet, + so much shall I tun in at the bung. Thus shall the barrel remain + inexhaustible; it hath a lively spring and perpetual current. Such was the + beverage contained within the cup of Tantalus, which was figuratively + represented amongst the Brachman sages. Such was in Iberia the mountain of + salt so highly written of by Cato. Such was the branch of gold consecrated + to the subterranean goddess, which Virgil treats of so sublimely. It is a + true cornucopia of merriment and raillery. If at any time it seem to you + to be emptied to the very lees, yet shall it not for all that be drawn + wholly dry. Good hope remains there at the bottom, as in Pandora’s + bottle; and not despair, as in the puncheon of the Danaids. Remark well + what I have said, and what manner of people they be whom I do invite; for, + to the end that none be deceived, I, in imitation of Lucilius, who did + protest that he wrote only to his own Tarentines and Consentines, have not + pierced this vessel for any else but you honest men, who are drinkers of + the first edition, and gouty blades of the highest degree. The great + dorophages, bribe-mongers, have on their hands occupation enough, and + enough on the hooks for their venison. There may they follow their prey; + here is no garbage for them. You pettifoggers, garblers, and masters of + chicanery, speak not to me, I beseech you, in the name of, and for the + reverence you bear to the four hips that engendered you and to the + quickening peg which at that time conjoined them. As for hypocrites, much + less; although they were all of them unsound in body, pockified, scurvy, + furnished with unquenchable thirst and insatiable eating. (And wherefore?) + Because indeed they are not of good but of evil, and of that evil from + which we daily pray to God to deliver us. And albeit we see them sometimes + counterfeit devotion, yet never did old ape make pretty moppet. Hence, + mastiffs; dogs in a doublet, get you behind; aloof, villains, out of my + sunshine; curs, to the devil! Do you jog hither, wagging your tails, to + pant at my wine, and bepiss my barrel? Look, here is the cudgel which + Diogenes, in his last will, ordained to be set by him after his death, for + beating away, crushing the reins, and breaking the backs of these bustuary + hobgoblins and Cerberian hellhounds. Pack you hence, therefore, you + hypocrites, to your sheep-dogs; get you gone, you dissemblers, to the + devil! Hay! What, are you there yet? I renounce my part of Papimanie, if I + snatch you, Grr, Grrr, Grrrrrr. Avaunt, avaunt! Will you not be gone? May + you never shit till you be soundly lashed with stirrup leather, never piss + but by the strapado, nor be otherwise warmed than by the bastinado. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE THIRD BOOK. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0001" id="link32HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.I.—How Pantagruel transported a colony of Utopians into + Dipsody. + </h2> + <p> + Pantagruel, having wholly subdued the land of Dipsody, transported + thereunto a colony of Utopians, to the number of 9,876,543,210 men, + besides the women and little children, artificers of all trades, and + professors of all sciences, to people, cultivate, and improve that + country, which otherwise was ill inhabited, and in the greatest part + thereof but a mere desert and wilderness; and did transport them (not) so + much for the excessive multitude of men and women, which were in Utopia + multiplied, for number, like grasshoppers upon the face of the land. You + understand well enough, nor is it needful further to explain it to you, + that the Utopian men had so rank and fruitful genitories, and that the + Utopian women carried matrixes so ample, so gluttonous, so tenaciously + retentive, and so architectonically cellulated, that at the end of every + ninth month seven children at the least, what male what female, were + brought forth by every married woman, in imitation of the people of Israel + in Egypt, if Anthony (Nicholas) de Lyra be to be trusted. Nor yet was this + transplantation made so much for the fertility of the soil, the + wholesomeness of the air, or commodity of the country of Dipsody, as to + retain that rebellious people within the bounds of their duty and + obedience, by this new transport of his ancient and most faithful + subjects, who, from all time out of mind, never knew, acknowledged, owned, + or served any other sovereign lord but him; and who likewise, from the + very instant of their birth, as soon as they were entered into this world, + had, with the milk of their mothers and nurses, sucked in the sweetness, + humanity, and mildness of his government, to which they were all of them + so nourished and habituated, that there was nothing surer than that they + would sooner abandon their lives than swerve from this singular and + primitive obedience naturally due to their prince, whithersoever they + should be dispersed or removed. + </p> + <p> + And not only should they, and their children successively descending from + their blood, be such, but also would keep and maintain in this same fealty + and obsequious observance all the nations lately annexed to his empire; + which so truly came to pass that therein he was not disappointed of his + intent. For if the Utopians were before their transplantation thither + dutiful and faithful subjects, the Dipsodes, after some few days + conversing with them, were every whit as, if not more, loyal than they; + and that by virtue of I know not what natural fervency incident to all + human creatures at the beginning of any labour wherein they take delight: + solemnly attesting the heavens and supreme intelligences of their being + only sorry that no sooner unto their knowledge had arrived the great + renown of the good Pantagruel. + </p> + <p> + Remark therefore here, honest drinkers, that the manner of preserving and + retaining countries newly conquered in obedience is not, as hath been the + erroneous opinion of some tyrannical spirits to their own detriment and + dishonour, to pillage, plunder, force, spoil, trouble, oppress, vex, + disquiet, ruin and destroy the people, ruling, governing and keeping them + in awe with rods of iron; and, in a word, eating and devouring them, after + the fashion that Homer calls an unjust and wicked king, Demoboron, that is + to say, a devourer of his people. + </p> + <p> + I will not bring you to this purpose the testimony of ancient writers. It + shall suffice to put you in mind of what your fathers have seen thereof, + and yourselves too, if you be not very babes. Newborn, they must be given + suck to, rocked in a cradle, and dandled. Trees newly planted must be + supported, underpropped, strengthened and defended against all tempests, + mischiefs, injuries, and calamities. And one lately saved from a long and + dangerous sickness, and new upon his recovery, must be forborn, spared, + and cherished, in such sort that they may harbour in their own breasts + this opinion, that there is not in the world a king or a prince who does + not desire fewer enemies and more friends. Thus Osiris, the great king of + the Egyptians, conquered almost the whole earth, not so much by force of + arms as by easing the people of their troubles, teaching them how to live + well, and honestly giving them good laws, and using them with all possible + affability, courtesy, gentleness, and liberality. Therefore was he by all + men deservedly entitled the Great King Euergetes, that is to say, + Benefactor, which style he obtained by virtue of the command of Jupiter to + (one) Pamyla. + </p> + <p> + And in effect, Hesiod, in his Hierarchy, placed the good demons (call them + angels if you will, or geniuses,) as intercessors and mediators betwixt + the gods and men, they being of a degree inferior to the gods, but + superior to men. And for that through their hands the riches and benefits + we get from heaven are dealt to us, and that they are continually doing us + good and still protecting us from evil, he saith that they exercise the + offices of kings; because to do always good, and never ill, is an act most + singularly royal. + </p> + <p> + Just such another was the emperor of the universe, Alexander the + Macedonian. After this manner was Hercules sovereign possessor of the + whole continent, relieving men from monstrous oppressions, exactions, and + tyrannies; governing them with discretion, maintaining them in equity and + justice, instructing them with seasonable policies and wholesome laws, + convenient for and suitable to the soil, climate, and disposition of the + country, supplying what was wanting, abating what was superfluous, and + pardoning all that was past, with a sempiternal forgetfulness of all + preceding offences, as was the amnesty of the Athenians, when by the + prowess, valour, and industry of Thrasybulus the tyrants were + exterminated; afterwards at Rome by Cicero exposed, and renewed under the + Emperor Aurelian. These are the philtres, allurements, iynges, + inveiglements, baits, and enticements of love, by the means whereof that + may be peaceably revived which was painfully acquired. Nor can a conqueror + reign more happily, whether he be a monarch, emperor, king, prince, or + philosopher, than by making his justice to second his valour. His valour + shows itself in victory and conquest; his justice will appear in the + goodwill and affection of the people, when he maketh laws, publisheth + ordinances, establisheth religion, and doth what is right to everyone, as + the noble poet Virgil writes of Octavian Augustus: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Victorque volentes +Per populos dat jura. +</pre> + <p> + Therefore is it that Homer in his Iliads calleth a good prince and great + king Kosmetora laon, that is, the ornament of the people. + </p> + <p> + Such was the consideration of Numa Pompilius, the second king of the + Romans, a just politician and wise philosopher, when he ordained that to + god Terminus, on the day of his festival called Terminales, nothing should + be sacrificed that had died; teaching us thereby that the bounds, limits, + and frontiers of kingdoms should be guarded, and preserved in peace, + amity, and meekness, without polluting our hands with blood and robbery. + Who doth otherwise, shall not only lose what he hath gained, but also be + loaded with this scandal and reproach, that he is an unjust and wicked + purchaser, and his acquests perish with him; Juxta illud, male parta, male + dilabuntur. And although during his whole lifetime he should have + peaceable possession thereof, yet if what hath been so acquired moulder + away in the hands of his heirs, the same opprobry, scandal, and imputation + will be charged upon the defunct, and his memory remain accursed for his + unjust and unwarrantable conquest; Juxta illud, de male quaesitis vix + gaudet tertius haeres. + </p> + <p> + Remark, likewise, gentlemen, you gouty feoffees, in this main point worthy + of your observation, how by these means Pantagruel of one angel made two, + which was a contingency opposite to the counsel of Charlemagne, who made + two devils of one when he transplanted the Saxons into Flanders and the + Flemings into Saxony. For, not being able to keep in such subjection the + Saxons, whose dominion he had joined to the empire, but that ever and anon + they would break forth into open rebellion if he should casually be drawn + into Spain or other remote kingdoms, he caused them to be brought unto his + own country of Flanders, the inhabitants whereof did naturally obey him, + and transported the Hainaults and Flemings, his ancient loving subjects, + into Saxony, not mistrusting their loyalty now that they were transplanted + into a strange land. But it happened that the Saxons persisted in their + rebellion and primitive obstinacy, and the Flemings dwelling in Saxony did + imbibe the stubborn manners and conditions of the Saxons. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0002" id="link32HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.II.—How Panurge was made Laird of Salmigondin in Dipsody, + and did waste his revenue before it came in. + </h2> + <p> + Whilst Pantagruel was giving order for the government of all Dipsody, he + assigned to Panurge the lairdship of Salmigondin, which was yearly worth + 6,789,106,789 reals of certain rent, besides the uncertain revenue of the + locusts and periwinkles, amounting, one year with another, to the value of + 435,768, or 2,435,769 French crowns of Berry. Sometimes it did amount to + 1,230,554,321 seraphs, when it was a good year, and that locusts and + periwinkles were in request; but that was not every year. + </p> + <p> + Now his worship, the new laird, husbanded this his estate so providently + well and prudently, that in less than fourteen days he wasted and + dilapidated all the certain and uncertain revenue of his lairdship for + three whole years. Yet did not he properly dilapidate it, as you might + say, in founding of monasteries, building of churches, erecting of + colleges, and setting up of hospitals, or casting his bacon-flitches to + the dogs; but spent it in a thousand little banquets and jolly collations, + keeping open house for all comers and goers; yea, to all good fellows, + young girls, and pretty wenches; felling timber, burning great logs for + the sale of the ashes, borrowing money beforehand, buying dear, selling + cheap, and eating his corn, as it were, whilst it was but grass. + </p> + <p> + Pantagruel, being advertised of this his lavishness, was in good sooth no + way offended at the matter, angry nor sorry; for I once told you, and + again tell it you, that he was the best, little, great goodman that ever + girded a sword to his side. He took all things in good part, and + interpreted every action to the best sense. He never vexed nor disquieted + himself with the least pretence of dislike to anything, because he knew + that he must have most grossly abandoned the divine mansion of reason if + he had permitted his mind to be never so little grieved, afflicted, or + altered at any occasion whatsoever. For all the goods that the heaven + covereth, and that the earth containeth, in all their dimensions of + height, depth, breadth, and length, are not of so much worth as that we + should for them disturb or disorder our affections, trouble or perplex our + senses or spirits. + </p> + <p> + He drew only Panurge aside, and then, making to him a sweet remonstrance + and mild admonition, very gently represented before him in strong + arguments, that, if he should continue in such an unthrifty course of + living, and not become a better mesnagier, it would prove altogether + impossible for him, or at least hugely difficult, at any time to make him + rich. Rich! answered Panurge; have you fixed your thoughts there? Have you + undertaken the task to enrich me in this world? Set your mind to live + merrily, in the name of God and good folks; let no other cark nor care be + harboured within the sacrosanctified domicile of your celestial brain. May + the calmness and tranquillity thereof be never incommodated with, or + overshadowed by any frowning clouds of sullen imaginations and displeasing + annoyance! For if you live joyful, merry, jocund, and glad, I cannot be + but rich enough. Everybody cries up thrift, thrift, and good husbandry. + But many speak of Robin Hood that never shot in his bow, and talk of that + virtue of mesnagery who know not what belongs to it. It is by me that they + must be advised. From me, therefore, take this advertisement and + information, that what is imputed to me for a vice hath been done in + imitation of the university and parliament of Paris, places in which is to + be found the true spring and source of the lively idea of Pantheology and + all manner of justice. Let him be counted a heretic that doubteth thereof, + and doth not firmly believe it. Yet they in one day eat up their bishop, + or the revenue of the bishopric—is it not all one?—for a whole + year, yea, sometimes for two. This is done on the day he makes his entry, + and is installed. Nor is there any place for an excuse; for he cannot + avoid it, unless he would be hooted at and stoned for his parsimony. + </p> + <p> + It hath been also esteemed an act flowing from the habit of the four + cardinal virtues. Of prudence in borrowing money beforehand; for none + knows what may fall out. Who is able to tell if the world shall last yet + three years? But although it should continue longer, is there any man so + foolish as to have the confidence to promise himself three years? + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +What fool so confident to say, +That he shall live one other day? +</pre> + <p> + Of commutative justice, in buying dear, I say, upon trust, and selling + goods cheap, that is, for ready money. What says Cato in his Book of + Husbandry to this purpose? The father of a family, says he, must be a + perpetual seller; by which means it is impossible but that at last he + shall become rich, if he have of vendible ware enough still ready for + sale. + </p> + <p> + Of distributive justice it doth partake, in giving entertainment to good + —remark, good—and gentle fellows, whom fortune had + shipwrecked, like Ulysses, upon the rock of a hungry stomach without + provision of sustenance; and likewise to the good—remark, the good—and + young wenches. For, according to the sentence of Hippocrates, Youth is + impatient of hunger, chiefly if it be vigorous, lively, frolic, brisk, + stirring, and bouncing. Which wanton lasses willingly and heartily devote + themselves to the pleasure of honest men; and are in so far both Platonic + and Ciceronian, that they do acknowledge their being born into this world + not to be for themselves alone, but that in their proper persons their + acquaintance may claim one share, and their friends another. + </p> + <p> + The virtue of fortitude appears therein by the cutting down and + overthrowing of the great trees, like a second Milo making havoc of the + dark forest, which did serve only to furnish dens, caves, and shelter to + wolves, wild boars, and foxes, and afford receptacles, withdrawing + corners, and refuges to robbers, thieves, and murderers, lurking holes and + skulking places for cutthroat assassinators, secret obscure shops for + coiners of false money, and safe retreats for heretics, laying them even + and level with the plain champaign fields and pleasant heathy ground, at + the sound of the hautboys and bagpipes playing reeks with the high and + stately timber, and preparing seats and benches for the eve of the + dreadful day of judgment. + </p> + <p> + I gave thereby proof of my temperance in eating my corn whilst it was but + grass, like a hermit feeding upon salads and roots, that, so affranchising + myself from the yoke of sensual appetites to the utter disclaiming of + their sovereignty, I might the better reserve somewhat in store for the + relief of the lame, blind, crippled, maimed, needy, poor, and wanting + wretches. + </p> + <p> + In taking this course I save the expense of the weed-grubbers, who gain + money,—of the reapers in harvest-time, who drink lustily, and + without water,—of gleaners, who will expect their cakes and + bannocks,—of threshers, who leave no garlic, scallions, leeks, nor + onions in our gardens, by the authority of Thestilis in Virgil,—and + of the millers, who are generally thieves,—and of the bakers, who + are little better. Is this small saving or frugality? Besides the mischief + and damage of the field-mice, the decay of barns, and the destruction + usually made by weasels and other vermin. + </p> + <p> + Of corn in the blade you may make good green sauce of a light concoction + and easy digestion, which recreates the brain and exhilarates the animal + spirits, rejoiceth the sight, openeth the appetite, delighteth the taste, + comforteth the heart, tickleth the tongue, cheereth the countenance, + striking a fresh and lively colour, strengthening the muscles, tempers the + blood, disburdens the midriff, refresheth the liver, disobstructs the + spleen, easeth the kidneys, suppleth the reins, quickens the joints of the + back, cleanseth the urine-conduits, dilates the spermatic vessels, + shortens the cremasters, purgeth the bladder, puffeth up the genitories, + correcteth the prepuce, hardens the nut, and rectifies the member. It will + make you have a current belly to trot, fart, dung, piss, sneeze, cough, + spit, belch, spew, yawn, snuff, blow, breathe, snort, sweat, and set taut + your Robin, with a thousand other rare advantages. I understand you very + well, says Pantagruel; you would thereby infer that those of a mean spirit + and shallow capacity have not the skill to spend much in a short time. You + are not the first in whose conceit that heresy hath entered. Nero + maintained it, and above all mortals admired most his uncle Caius + Caligula, for having in a few days, by a most wonderfully pregnant + invention, totally spent all the goods and patrimony which Tiberius had + left him. + </p> + <p> + But, instead of observing the sumptuous supper-curbing laws of the Romans + —to wit, the Orchia, the Fannia, the Didia, the Licinia, the + Cornelia, the Lepidiana, the Antia, and of the Corinthians—by the + which they were inhibited, under pain of great punishment, not to spend + more in one year than their annual revenue did amount to, you have offered + up the oblation of Protervia, which was with the Romans such a sacrifice + as the paschal lamb was amongst the Jews, wherein all that was eatable was + to be eaten, and the remainder to be thrown into the fire, without + reserving anything for the next day. I may very justly say of you, as Cato + did of Albidius, who after that he had by a most extravagant expense + wasted all the means and possessions he had to one only house, he fairly + set it on fire, that he might the better say, Consummatum est. Even just + as since his time St. Thomas Aquinas did, when he had eaten up the whole + lamprey, although there was no necessity in it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0003" id="link32HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.III.—How Panurge praiseth the debtors and borrowers. + </h2> + <p> + But, quoth Pantagruel, when will you be out of debt? At the next ensuing + term of the Greek kalends, answered Panurge, when all the world shall be + content, and that it be your fate to become your own heir. The Lord forbid + that I should be out of debt, as if, indeed, I could not be trusted. Who + leaves not some leaven over night, will hardly have paste the next + morning. + </p> + <p> + Be still indebted to somebody or other, that there may be somebody always + to pray for you, that the giver of all good things may grant unto you a + blessed, long, and prosperous life; fearing, if fortune should deal + crossly with you, that it might be his chance to come short of being paid + by you, he will always speak good of you in every company, ever and anon + purchase new creditors unto you; to the end, that through their means you + may make a shift by borrowing from Peter to pay Paul, and with other folk’s + earth fill up his ditch. When of old, in the region of the Gauls, by the + institution of the Druids, the servants, slaves, and bondmen were burnt + quick at the funerals and obsequies of their lords and masters, had not + they fear enough, think you, that their lords and masters should die? For, + perforce, they were to die with them for company. Did not they incessantly + send up their supplications to their great god Mercury, as likewise unto + Dis, the father of wealth, to lengthen out their days, and to preserve + them long in health? Were not they very careful to entertain them well, + punctually to look unto them, and to attend them faithfully and + circumspectly? For by those means were they to live together at least + until the hour of death. Believe me, your creditors with a more fervent + devotion will beseech Almighty God to prolong your life, they being of + nothing more afraid than that you should die; for that they are more + concerned for the sleeve than the arm, and love silver better than their + own lives. As it evidently appeareth by the usurers of Landerousse, who + not long since hanged themselves because the price of the corn and wines + was fallen by the return of a gracious season. To this Pantagruel + answering nothing, Panurge went on in his discourse, saying, Truly and in + good sooth, sir, when I ponder my destiny aright, and think well upon it, + you put me shrewdly to my plunges, and have me at a bay in twitting me + with the reproach of my debts and creditors. And yet did I, in this only + respect and consideration of being a debtor, esteem myself worshipful, + reverend, and formidable. For against the opinion of most philosophers, + that of nothing ariseth nothing, yet, without having bottomed on so much + as that which is called the First Matter, did I out of nothing become such + (a) maker and creator, that I have created—what?—a gay number + of fair and jolly creditors. Nay, creditors, I will maintain it, even to + the very fire itself exclusively, are fair and goodly creatures. Who + lendeth nothing is an ugly and wicked creature, and an accursed imp of the + infernal Old Nick. And there is made—what? Debts. A thing most + precious and dainty, of great use and antiquity. Debts, I say, surmounting + the number of syllables which may result from the combinations of all the + consonants, with each of the vowels heretofore projected, reckoned, and + calculated by the noble Xenocrates. To judge of the perfection of debtors + by the numerosity of their creditors is the readiest way for entering into + the mysteries of practical arithmetic. + </p> + <p> + You can hardly imagine how glad I am, when every morning I perceive myself + environed and surrounded with brigades of creditors—humble, fawning, + and full of their reverences. And whilst I remark that, as I look more + favourably upon and give a cheerfuller countenance to one than to another, + the fellow thereupon buildeth a conceit that he shall be the first + despatched and the foremost in the date of payment, and he valueth my + smiles at the rate of ready money, it seemeth unto me that I then act and + personate the god of the passion of Saumure, accompanied with his angels + and cherubims. + </p> + <p> + These are my flatterers, my soothers, my clawbacks, my smoothers, my + parasites, my saluters, my givers of good-morrows, and perpetual orators; + which makes me verily think that the supremest height of heroic virtue + described by Hesiod consisteth in being a debtor, wherein I held the first + degree in my commencement. Which dignity, though all human creatures seem + to aim at and aspire thereto, few nevertheless, because of the + difficulties in the way and encumbrances of hard passages, are able to + reach it, as is easily perceivable by the ardent desire and vehement + longing harboured in the breast of everyone to be still creating more + debts and new creditors. + </p> + <p> + Yet doth it not lie in the power of everyone to be a debtor. To acquire + creditors is not at the disposure of each man’s arbitrament. You + nevertheless would deprive me of this sublime felicity. You ask me when I + will be out of debt. Well, to go yet further on, and possibly worse in + your conceit, may Saint Bablin, the good saint, snatch me, if I have not + all my lifetime held debt to be as a union or conjunction of the heavens + with the earth, and the whole cement whereby the race of mankind is kept + together; yea, of such virtue and efficacy that, I say, the whole progeny + of Adam would very suddenly perish without it. Therefore, perhaps, I do + not think amiss, when I repute it to be the great soul of the universe, + which, according to the opinion of the Academics, vivifieth all manner of + things. In confirmation whereof, that you may the better believe it to be + so, represent unto yourself, without any prejudicacy of spirit, in a clear + and serene fancy, the idea and form of some other world than this; take, + if you please, and lay hold on the thirtieth of those which the + philosopher Metrodorus did enumerate, wherein it is to be supposed there + is no debtor or creditor, that is to say, a world without debts. + </p> + <p> + There amongst the planets will be no regular course, all will be in + disorder. Jupiter, reckoning himself to be nothing indebted unto Saturn, + will go near to detrude him out of his sphere, and with the Homeric chain + will be like to hang up the intelligences, gods, heavens, demons, heroes, + devils, earth and sea, together with the other elements. Saturn, no doubt, + combining with Mars will reduce that so disturbed world into a chaos of + confusion. + </p> + <p> + Mercury then would be no more subjected to the other planets; he would + scorn to be any longer their Camillus, as he was of old termed in the + Etrurian tongue. For it is to be imagined that he is no way a debtor to + them. + </p> + <p> + Venus will be no more venerable, because she shall have lent nothing. The + moon will remain bloody and obscure. For to what end should the sun impart + unto her any of his light? He owed her nothing. Nor yet will the sun shine + upon the earth, nor the stars send down any good influence, because the + terrestrial globe hath desisted from sending up their wonted nourishment + by vapours and exhalations, wherewith Heraclitus said, the Stoics proved, + Cicero maintained, they were cherished and alimented. There would likewise + be in such a world no manner of symbolization, alteration, nor + transmutation amongst the elements; for the one will not esteem itself + obliged to the other, as having borrowed nothing at all from it. Earth + then will not become water, water will not be changed into air, of air + will be made no fire, and fire will afford no heat unto the earth; the + earth will produce nothing but monsters, Titans, giants; no rain will + descend upon it, nor light shine thereon; no wind will blow there, nor + will there be in it any summer or harvest. Lucifer will break loose, and + issuing forth of the depth of hell, accompanied with his furies, fiends, + and horned devils, will go about to unnestle and drive out of heaven all + the gods, as well of the greater as of the lesser nations. Such a world + without lending will be no better than a dog-kennel, a place of contention + and wrangling, more unruly and irregular than that of the rector of Paris; + a devil of an hurlyburly, and more disordered confusion than that of the + plagues of Douay. Men will not then salute one another; it will be but + lost labour to expect aid or succour from any, or to cry fire, water, + murder, for none will put to their helping hand. Why? He lent no money, + there is nothing due to him. Nobody is concerned in his burning, in his + shipwreck, in his ruin, or in his death; and that because he hitherto had + lent nothing, and would never thereafter have lent anything. In short, + Faith, Hope, and Charity would be quite banished from such a world—for + men are born to relieve and assist one another; and in their stead should + succeed and be introduced Defiance, Disdain, and Rancour, with the most + execrable troop of all evils, all imprecations, and all miseries. + Whereupon you will think, and that not amiss, that Pandora had there spilt + her unlucky bottle. Men unto men will be wolves, hobthrushers, and goblins + (as were Lycaon, Bellerophon, Nebuchodonosor), plunderers, highway + robbers, cutthroats, rapparees, murderers, poisoners, assassinators, lewd, + wicked, malevolent, pernicious haters, set against everybody, like to + Ishmael, Metabus, or Timon the Athenian, who for that cause was named + Misanthropos, in such sort that it would prove much more easy in nature to + have fish entertained in the air and bullocks fed in the bottom of the + ocean, than to support or tolerate a rascally rabble of people that will + not lend. These fellows, I vow, do I hate with a perfect hatred; and if, + conform to the pattern of this grievous, peevish, and perverse world which + lendeth nothing, you figure and liken the little world, which is man, you + will find in him a terrible justling coil and clutter. The head will not + lend the sight of his eyes to guide the feet and hands; the legs will + refuse to bear up the body; the hands will leave off working any more for + the rest of the members; the heart will be weary of its continual motion + for the beating of the pulse, and will no longer lend his assistance; the + lungs will withdraw the use of their bellows; the liver will desist from + convoying any more blood through the veins for the good of the whole; the + bladder will not be indebted to the kidneys, so that the urine thereby + will be totally stopped. The brains, in the interim, considering this + unnatural course, will fall into a raving dotage, and withhold all feeling + from the sinews and motion from the muscles. Briefly, in such a world + without order and array, owing nothing, lending nothing, and borrowing + nothing, you would see a more dangerous conspiration than that which Aesop + exposed in his Apologue. Such a world will perish undoubtedly; and not + only perish, but perish very quickly. Were it Aesculapius himself, his + body would immediately rot, and the chafing soul, full of indignation, + take its flight to all the devils of hell after my money. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0004" id="link32HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.IV.—Panurge continueth his discourse in the praise of + borrowers and lenders. + </h2> + <p> + On the contrary, be pleased to represent unto your fancy another world, + wherein everyone lendeth and everyone oweth, all are debtors and all + creditors. O how great will that harmony be, which shall thereby result + from the regular motions of the heavens! Methinks I hear it every whit as + well as ever Plato did. What sympathy will there be amongst the elements! + O how delectable then unto nature will be our own works and productions! + Whilst Ceres appeareth laden with corn, Bacchus with wines, Flora with + flowers, Pomona with fruits, and Juno fair in a clear air, wholesome and + pleasant. I lose myself in this high contemplation. + </p> + <p> + Then will among the race of mankind peace, love, benevolence, fidelity, + tranquillity, rest, banquets, feastings, joy, gladness, gold, silver, + single money, chains, rings, with other ware and chaffer of that nature be + found to trot from hand to hand. No suits at law, no wars, no strife, + debate, nor wrangling; none will be there a usurer, none will be there a + pinch-penny, a scrape-good wretch, or churlish hard-hearted refuser. Good + God! Will not this be the golden age in the reign of Saturn? the true idea + of the Olympic regions, wherein all (other) virtues cease, charity alone + ruleth, governeth, domineereth, and triumpheth? All will be fair and + goodly people there, all just and virtuous. + </p> + <p> + O happy world! O people of that world most happy! Yea, thrice and four + times blessed is that people! I think in very deed that I am amongst them, + and swear to you, by my good forsooth, that if this glorious aforesaid + world had a pope, abounding with cardinals, that so he might have the + association of a sacred college, in the space of very few years you should + be sure to see the saints much thicker in the roll, more numerous, + wonder-working and mirific, more services, more vows, more staves and + wax-candles than are all those in the nine bishoprics of Britany, St. Yves + only excepted. Consider, sir, I pray you, how the noble Patelin, having a + mind to deify and extol even to the third heavens the father of William + Josseaulme, said no more but this, And he did lend his goods to those who + were desirous of them. + </p> + <p> + O the fine saying! Now let our microcosm be fancied conform to this model + in all its members; lending, borrowing, and owing, that is to say, + according to its own nature. For nature hath not to any other end created + man, but to owe, borrow, and lend; no greater is the harmony amongst the + heavenly spheres than that which shall be found in its well-ordered + policy. The intention of the founder of this microcosm is, to have a soul + therein to be entertained, which is lodged there, as a guest with its + host, (that) it may live there for a while. Life consisteth in blood, + blood is the seat of the soul; therefore the chiefest work of the + microcosm is, to be making blood continually. + </p> + <p> + At this forge are exercised all the members of the body; none is exempted + from labour, each operates apart, and doth its proper office. And such is + their heirarchy, that perpetually the one borrows from the other, the one + lends the other, and the one is the other’s debtor. The stuff and + matter convenient, which nature giveth to be turned into blood, is bread + and wine. All kind of nourishing victuals is understood to be comprehended + in these two, and from hence in the Gothish tongue is called companage. To + find out this meat and drink, to prepare and boil it, the hands are put to + work, the feet do walk and bear up the whole bulk of the corporal mass; + the eyes guide and conduct all; the appetite in the orifice of the + stomach, by means of (a) little sourish black humour, called melancholy, + which is transmitted thereto from the milt, giveth warning to shut in the + food. The tongue doth make the first essay, and tastes it; the teeth do + chew it, and the stomach doth receive, digest, and chylify it. The + mesaraic veins suck out of it what is good and fit, leaving behind the + excrements, which are, through special conduits for that purpose, voided + by an expulsive faculty. Thereafter it is carried to the liver, where it + being changed again, it by the virtue of that new transmutation becomes + blood. What joy, conjecture you, will then be found amongst those officers + when they see this rivulet of gold, which is their sole restorative? No + greater is the joy of alchemists, when after long travail, toil, and + expense they see in their furnaces the transmutation. Then is it that + every member doth prepare itself, and strive anew to purify and to refine + this treasure. The kidneys through the emulgent veins draw that aquosity + from thence which you call urine, and there send it away through the + ureters to be slipped downwards; where, in a lower receptacle, and proper + for it, to wit, the bladder, it is kept, and stayeth there until an + opportunity to void it out in his due time. The spleen draweth from the + blood its terrestrial part, viz., the grounds, lees, or thick substance + settled in the bottom thereof, which you term melancholy. The bottle of + the gall subtracts from thence all the superfluous choler; whence it is + brought to another shop or work-house to be yet better purified and fined, + that is, the heart, which by its agitation of diastolic and systolic + motions so neatly subtilizeth and inflames it, that in the right side + ventricle it is brought to perfection, and through the veins is sent to + all the members. Each parcel of the body draws it then unto itself, and + after its own fashion is cherished and alimented by it. Feet, hands, + thighs, arms, eyes, ears, back, breast, yea, all; and then it is, that who + before were lenders, now become debtors. The heart doth in its left side + ventricle so thinnify the blood, that it thereby obtains the name of + spiritual; which being sent through the arteries to all the members of the + body, serveth to warm and winnow the other blood which runneth through the + veins. The lights never cease with its lappets and bellows to cool and + refresh it, in acknowledgment of which good the heart, through the + arterial vein, imparts unto it the choicest of its blood. At last it is + made so fine and subtle within the rete mirabile, that thereafter those + animal spirits are framed and composed of it, by means whereof the + imagination, discourse, judgment, resolution, deliberation, ratiocination, + and memory have their rise, actings, and operations. + </p> + <p> + Cops body, I sink, I drown, I perish, I wander astray, and quite fly out + of myself when I enter into the consideration of the profound abyss of + this world, thus lending, thus owing. Believe me, it is a divine thing to + lend,—to owe, an heroic virtue. Yet is not this all. This little + world thus lending, owing, and borrowing, is so good and charitable, that + no sooner is the above-specified alimentation finished, but that it + forthwith projecteth, and hath already forecast, how it shall lend to + those who are not as yet born, and by that loan endeavour what it may to + eternize itself, and multiply in images like the pattern, that is, + children. To this end every member doth of the choicest and most precious + of its nourishment pare and cut off a portion, then instantly despatcheth + it downwards to that place where nature hath prepared for it very fit + vessels and receptacles, through which descending to the genitories by + long ambages, circuits, and flexuosities, it receiveth a competent form, + and rooms apt enough both in man and woman for the future conservation and + perpetuating of human kind. All this is done by loans and debts of the one + unto the other; and hence have we this word, the debt of marriage. Nature + doth reckon pain to the refuser, with a most grievous vexation to his + members and an outrageous fury amidst his senses. But, on the other part, + to the lender a set reward, accompanied with pleasure, joy, solace, mirth, + and merry glee. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0005" id="link32HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.V.—How Pantagruel altogether abhorreth the debtors and + borrowers. + </h2> + <p> + I understand you very well, quoth Pantagruel, and take you to be very good + at topics, and thoroughly affectioned to your own cause. But preach it up, + and patrocinate it, prattle on it, and defend it as much as you will, even + from hence to the next Whitsuntide, if you please so to do, yet in the end + you will be astonished to find how you shall have gained no ground at all + upon me, nor persuaded me by your fair speeches and smooth talk to enter + never so little into the thraldom of debt. You shall owe to none, saith + the holy Apostle, anything save love, friendship, and a mutual + benevolence. + </p> + <p> + You serve me here, I confess, with fine graphides and diatyposes, + descriptions and figures, which truly please me very well. But let me tell + you, if you will represent unto your fancy an impudent blustering bully + and an importunate borrower, entering afresh and newly into a town already + advertised of his manners, you shall find that at his ingress the citizens + will be more hideously affrighted and amazed, and in a greater terror and + fear, dread, and trembling, than if the pest itself should step into it in + the very same garb and accoutrement wherein the Tyanean philosopher found + it within the city of Ephesus. And I am fully confirmed in the opinion, + that the Persians erred not when they said that the second vice was to + lie, the first being that of owing money. For, in very truth, debts and + lying are ordinarily joined together. I will nevertheless not from hence + infer that none must owe anything or lend anything. For who so rich can be + that sometimes may not owe, or who can be so poor that sometimes may not + lend? + </p> + <p> + Let the occasion, notwithstanding, in that case, as Plato very wisely + sayeth and ordaineth in his laws, be such that none be permitted to draw + any water out of his neighbour’s well until first they by continual + digging and delving into their own proper ground shall have hit upon a + kind of potter’s earth, which is called ceramite, and there had + found no source or drop of water; for that sort of earth, by reason of its + substance, which is fat, strong, firm, and close, so retaineth its + humidity, that it doth not easily evaporate it by any outward excursion or + evaporation. + </p> + <p> + In good sooth, it is a great shame to choose rather to be still borrowing + in all places from everyone, than to work and win. Then only in my + judgment should one lend, when the diligent, toiling, and industrious + person is no longer able by his labour to make any purchase unto himself, + or otherwise, when by mischance he hath suddenly fallen into an unexpected + loss of his goods. + </p> + <p> + Howsoever, let us leave this discourse, and from henceforwards do not hang + upon creditors, nor tie yourself to them. I make account for the time past + to rid you freely of them, and from their bondage to deliver you. The + least I should in this point, quoth Panurge, is to thank you, though it be + the most I can do. And if gratitude and thanksgiving be to be estimated + and prized by the affection of the benefactor, that is to be done + infinitely and sempiternally; for the love which you bear me of your own + accord and free grace, without any merit of mine, goeth far beyond the + reach of any price or value. It transcends all weight, all number, all + measure; it is endless and everlasting; therefore, should I offer to + commensurate and adjust it, either to the size and proportion of your own + noble and gracious deeds, or yet to the contentment and delight of the + obliged receivers, I would come off but very faintly and flaggingly. You + have verily done me a great deal of good, and multiplied your favours on + me more frequently than was fitting to one of my condition. You have been + more bountiful towards me than I have deserved, and your courtesies have + by far surpassed the extent of my merits, I must needs confess it. But it + is not, as you suppose, in the proposed matter. For there it is not where + I itch, it is not there where it fretteth, hurts, or vexeth me; for, + henceforth being quit and out of debt, what countenance will I be able to + keep? You may imagine that it will become me very ill for the first month, + because I have never hitherto been brought up or accustomed to it. I am + very much afraid of it. Furthermore, there shall not one hereafter, native + of the country of Salmigondy, but he shall level the shot towards my nose. + All the back-cracking fellows of the world, in discharging of their + postern petarades, use commonly to say, Voila pour les quittes, that is, + For the quit. My life will be of very short continuance, I do foresee it. + I recommend to you the making of my epitaph; for I perceive I will die + confected in the very stench of farts. If, at any time to come, by way of + restorative to such good women as shall happen to be troubled with the + grievous pain of the wind-colic, the ordinary medicaments prove nothing + effectual, the mummy of all my befarted body will straight be as a present + remedy appointed by the physicians; whereof they, taking any small + modicum, it will incontinently for their ease afford them a rattle of + bumshot, like a sal of muskets. + </p> + <p> + Therefore would I beseech you to leave me some few centuries of debts; as + King Louis the Eleventh, exempting from suits in law the Reverend Miles d’Illiers, + Bishop of Chartres, was by the said bishop most earnestly solicited to + leave him some few for the exercise of his mind. I had rather give them + all my revenue of the periwinkles, together with the other incomes of the + locusts, albeit I should not thereby have any parcel abated from off the + principal sums which I owe. Let us waive this matter, quoth Pantagruel, I + have told it you over again. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0006" id="link32HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.VI.—Why new married men were privileged from going to the + wars. + </h2> + <p> + But, in the interim, asked Panurge, by what law was it constituted, + ordained, and established, that such as should plant a new vineyard, those + that should build a new house, and the new married men, should be exempted + and discharged from the duty of warfare for the first year? By the law, + answered Pantagruel, of Moses. Why, replied Panurge, the lately married? + As for the vine-planters, I am now too old to reflect on them; my + condition, at this present, induceth me to remain satisfied with the care + of vintage, finishing and turning the grapes into wine. Nor are these + pretty new builders of dead stones written or pricked down in my Book of + Life. It is all with live stones that I set up and erect the fabrics of my + architecture, to wit, men. It was, according to my opinion, quoth + Pantagruel, to the end, first, that the fresh married folks should for the + first year reap a full and complete fruition of their pleasures in their + mutual exercise of the act of love, in such sort, that in waiting more at + leisure on the production of posterity and propagating of their progeny, + they might the better increase their race and make provision of new heirs. + That if, in the years thereafter, the men should, upon their undergoing of + some military adventure, happen to be killed, their names and + coats-of-arms might continue with their children in the same families. And + next, that, the wives thereby coming to know whether they were barren or + fruitful—for one year’s trial, in regard of the maturity of + age wherein of old they married, was held sufficient for the discovery—they + might pitch the more suitably, in case of their first husband’s + decease, upon a second match. The fertile women to be wedded to those who + desire to multiply their issue; and the sterile ones to such other mates, + as, misregarding the storing of their own lineage, choose them only for + their virtues, learning, genteel behaviour, domestic consolation, + management of the house, and matrimonial conveniences and comforts, and + such like. The preachers of Varennes, saith Panurge, detest and abhor the + second marriages, as altogether foolish and dishonest. + </p> + <p> + Foolish and dishonest? quoth Pantagruel. A plague take such preachers! Yea + but, quoth Panurge, the like mischief also befall the Friar Charmer, who, + in a full auditory making a sermon at Pereilly, and therein abominating + the reiteration of marriage and the entering again in the bonds of a + nuptial tie, did swear and heartily give himself to the swiftest devil in + hell, if he had not rather choose, and would much more willingly undertake + the unmaidening or depucelating of a hundred virgins, than the simple + drudgery of one widow. Truly I find your reason in that point right good + and strongly grounded. + </p> + <p> + But what would you think, if the cause why this exemption or immunity was + granted had no other foundation but that, during the whole space of the + said first year, they so lustily bobbed it with their female consorts, as + both reason and equity require they should do, that they had drained and + evacuated their spermatic vessels; and were become thereby altogether + feeble, weak, emasculated, drooping, and flaggingly pithless; yea, in such + sort that they in the day of battle, like ducks which plunge over head and + ears, would sooner hide themselves behind the baggage, than, in the + company of valiant fighters and daring military combatants, appear where + stern Bellona deals her blows and moves a bustling noise of thwacks and + thumps? Nor is it to be thought that, under the standard of Mars, they + will so much as once strike a fair stroke, because their most considerable + knocks have been already jerked and whirrited within the curtains of his + sweetheart Venus. + </p> + <p> + In confirmation whereof, amongst other relics and monuments of antiquity, + we now as yet often see, that in all great houses, after the expiring of + some few days, these young married blades are readily sent away to visit + their uncles, that in the absence of their wives reposing themselves a + little they may recover their decayed strength by the recruit of a fresh + supply, the more vigorous to return again and face about to renew the + duelling shock and conflict of an amorous dalliance, albeit for the + greater part they have neither uncle nor aunt to go to. + </p> + <p> + Just so did the King Crackart, after the battle of the Cornets, not + cashier us (speaking properly), I mean me and the Quail-caller, but for + our refreshment remanded us to our houses; and he is as yet seeking after + his own. My grandfather’s godmother was wont to say to me when I was + a boy,— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Patenostres et oraisons +Sont pour ceux-la, qui les retiennent. +Ung fiffre en fenaisons +Est plus fort que deux qui en viennent. + +Not orisons nor patenotres +Shall ever disorder my brain. +One cadet, to the field as he flutters, +Is worth two, when they end the campaign. +</pre> + <p> + That which prompteth me to that opinion is, that the vine-planters did + seldom eat of the grapes, or drink of the wine of their labour, till the + first year was wholly elapsed. During all which time also the builders did + hardly inhabit their new-structured dwelling-places, for fear of dying + suffocated through want of respiration; as Galen hath most learnedly + remarked, in the second book of the Difficulty of Breathing. Under favour, + sir, I have not asked this question without cause causing and reason truly + very ratiocinant. Be not offended, I pray you. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0007" id="link32HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.VII.—How Panurge had a flea in his ear, and forbore to + wear any longer his magnificent codpiece. + </h2> + <p> + Panurge, the day thereafter, caused pierce his right ear after the Jewish + fashion, and thereto clasped a little gold ring, of a ferny-like kind of + workmanship, in the beazil or collet whereof was set and enchased a flea; + and, to the end you may be rid of all doubts, you are to know that the + flea was black. O, what a brave thing it is, in every case and + circumstance of a matter, to be thoroughly well informed! The sum of the + expense hereof, being cast up, brought in, and laid down upon his + council-board carpet, was found to amount to no more quarterly than the + charge of the nuptials of a Hircanian tigress; even, as you would say, + 600,000 maravedis. At these vast costs and excessive disbursements, as + soon as he perceived himself to be out of debt, he fretted much; and + afterwards, as tyrants and lawyers use to do, he nourished and fed her + with the sweat and blood of his subjects and clients. + </p> + <p> + He then took four French ells of a coarse brown russet cloth, and therein + apparelling himself, as with a long, plain-seamed, and single-stitched + gown, left off the wearing of his breeches, and tied a pair of spectacles + to his cap. In this equipage did he present himself before Pantagruel; to + whom this disguise appeared the more strange, that he did not, as before, + see that goodly, fair, and stately codpiece, which was the sole anchor of + hope wherein he was wonted to rely, and last refuge he had midst all the + waves and boisterous billows which a stormy cloud in a cross fortune would + raise up against him. Honest Pantagruel, not understanding the mystery, + asked him, by way of interrogatory, what he did intend to personate in + that new-fangled prosopopoeia. I have, answered Panurge, a flea in mine + ear, and have a mind to marry. In a good time, quoth Pantagruel, you have + told me joyful tidings. Yet would not I hold a red-hot iron in my hand for + all the gladness of them. But it is not the fashion of lovers to be + accoutred in such dangling vestments, so as to have their shirts flagging + down over their knees, without breeches, and with a long robe of a dark + brown mingled hue, which is a colour never used in Talarian garments + amongst any persons of honour, quality, or virtue. If some heretical + persons and schismatical sectaries have at any time formerly been so + arrayed and clothed (though many have imputed such a kind of dress to + cosenage, cheat, imposture, and an affectation of tyranny upon credulous + minds of the rude multitude), I will nevertheless not blame them for it, + nor in that point judge rashly or sinistrously of them. Everyone + overflowingly aboundeth in his own sense and fancy; yea, in things of a + foreign consideration, altogether extrinsical and indifferent, which in + and of themselves are neither commendable nor bad, because they proceed + not from the interior of the thoughts and heart, which is the shop of all + good and evil; of goodness, if it be upright, and that its affections be + regulated by the pure and clean spirit of righteousness; and, on the other + side, of wickedness, if its inclinations, straying beyond the bounds of + equity, be corrupted and depraved by the malice and suggestions of the + devil. It is only the novelty and new-fangledness thereof which I dislike, + together with the contempt of common custom and the fashion which is in + use. + </p> + <p> + The colour, answered Panurge, is convenient, for it is conform to that of + my council-board carpet; therefore will I henceforth hold me with it, and + more narrowly and circumspectly than ever hitherto I have done look to my + affairs and business. Seeing I am once out of debt, you never yet saw man + more unpleasing than I will be, if God help me not. Lo, here be my + spectacles. To see me afar off, you would readily say that it were Friar + (John) Burgess. I believe certainly that in the next ensuing year I shall + once more preach the Crusade. Bounce, buckram. Do you see this russet? + Doubt not but there lurketh under it some hid property and occult virtue + known to very few in the world. I did not take it on before this morning, + and, nevertheless, am already in a rage of lust, mad after a wife, and + vehemently hot upon untying the codpiece-point; I itch, I tingle, I + wriggle, and long exceedingly to be married, that, without the danger of + cudgel-blows, I may labour my female copes-mate with the hard push of a + bull-horned devil. O the provident and thrifty husband that I then will + be! After my death, with all honour and respect due to my frugality, will + they burn the sacred bulk of my body, of purpose to preserve the ashes + thereof, in memory of the choicest pattern that ever was of a perfectly + wary and complete householder. Cops body, this is not the carpet whereon + my treasurer shall be allowed to play false in his accounts with me, by + setting down an X for a V, or an L for an S. For in that case should I + make a hail of fisticuffs to fly into his face. Look upon me, sir, both + before and behind,—it is made after the manner of a toga, which was + the ancient fashion of the Romans in time of peace. I took the mode, + shape, and form thereof in Trajan’s Column at Rome, as also in the + Triumphant Arch of Septimus Severus. I am tired of the wars, weary of + wearing buff-coats, cassocks, and hoquetons. My shoulders are pitifully + worn and bruised with the carrying of harness. Let armour cease, and the + long robe bear sway! At least it must be so for the whole space of the + succeeding year, if I be married; as yesterday, by the Mosaic law, you + evidenced. In what concerneth the breeches, my great-aunt Laurence did + long ago tell me, that the breeches were only ordained for the use of the + codpiece, and to no other end; which I, upon a no less forcible + consequence, give credit to every whit, as well as to the saying of the + fine fellow Galen, who in his ninth book, Of the Use and Employment of our + Members, allegeth that the head was made for the eyes. For nature might + have placed our heads in our knees or elbows, but having beforehand + determined that the eyes should serve to discover things from afar, she + for the better enabling them to execute their designed office, fixed them + in the head, as on the top of a long pole, in the most eminent part of all + the body—no otherwise than we see the phares, or high towers erected + in the mouths of havens, that navigators may the further off perceive with + ease the lights of the nightly fires and lanterns. And because I would + gladly, for some short while, a year at least, take a little rest and + breathing time from the toilsome labour of the military profession, that + is to say, be married, I have desisted from wearing any more a codpiece, + and consequently have laid aside my breeches. For the codpiece is the + principal and most especial piece of armour that a warrior doth carry; and + therefore do I maintain even to the fire (exclusively, understand you me), + that no Turks can properly be said to be armed men, in regard that + codpieces are by their law forbidden to be worn. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0008" id="link32HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.VIII.—Why the codpiece is held to be the chief piece of + armour amongst warriors. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link3image-0005" id="link3image-0005"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/3-08-240.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Panurge Seeks the Advice of Pantagruel--3-08-240" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + Will you maintain, quoth Pantagruel, that the codpiece is the chief piece + of a military harness? It is a new kind of doctrine, very paradoxical; for + we say, At spurs begins the arming of a man. Sir, I maintain it, answered + Panurge, and not wrongfully do I maintain it. Behold how nature, having a + fervent desire, after its production of plants, trees, shrubs, herbs, + sponges, and plant-animals, to eternize and continue them unto all + succession of ages (in their several kinds or sorts, at least, although + the individuals perish) unruinable, and in an everlasting being, hath most + curiously armed and fenced their buds, sprouts, shoots, and seeds, wherein + the above-mentioned perpetuity consisteth, by strengthening, covering, + guarding, and fortifying them with an admirable industry, with husks, + cases, scurfs and swads, hulls, cods, stones, films, cartels, shells, + ears, rinds, barks, skins, ridges, and prickles, which serve them instead + of strong, fair, and natural codpieces. As is manifestly apparent in + pease, beans, fasels, pomegranates, peaches, cottons, gourds, pumpions, + melons, corn, lemons, almonds, walnuts, filberts, and chestnuts; as + likewise in all plants, slips, or sets whatsoever, wherein it is plainly + and evidently seen, that the sperm and semence is more closely veiled, + overshadowed, corroborated, and thoroughly harnessed, than any other part, + portion, or parcel of the whole. + </p> + <p> + Nature, nevertheless, did not after that manner provide for the + sempiternizing of (the) human race; but, on the contrary, created man + naked, tender, and frail, without either offensive or defensive arms; and + that in the estate of innocence, in the first age of all, which was the + golden season; not as a plant, but living creature, born for peace, not + war, and brought forth into the world with an unquestionable right and + title to the plenary fruition and enjoyment of all fruits and vegetables, + as also to a certain calm and gentle rule and dominion over all kinds of + beasts, fowls, fishes, reptiles, and insects. Yet afterwards it happening + in the time of the iron age, under the reign of Jupiter, when, to the + multiplication of mischievous actions, wickedness and malice began to take + root and footing within the then perverted hearts of men, that the earth + began to bring forth nettles, thistles, thorns, briars, and such other + stubborn and rebellious vegetables to the nature of man. Nor scarce was + there any animal which by a fatal disposition did not then revolt from + him, and tacitly conspire and covenant with one another to serve him no + longer, nor, in case of their ability to resist, to do him any manner of + obedience, but rather, to the uttermost of their power, to annoy him with + all the hurt and harm they could. The man, then, that he might maintain + his primitive right and prerogative, and continue his sway and dominion + over all, both vegetable and sensitive creatures, and knowing of a truth + that he could not be well accommodated as he ought without the servitude + and subjection of several animals, bethought himself that of necessity he + must needs put on arms, and make provision of harness against wars and + violence. By the holy Saint Babingoose, cried out Pantagruel, you are + become, since the last rain, a great lifrelofre,—philosopher, I + should say. Take notice, sir, quoth Panurge, when Dame Nature had prompted + him to his own arming, what part of the body it was, where, by her + inspiration, he clapped on the first harness. It was forsooth by the + double pluck of my little dog the ballock and good Senor Don Priapos + Stabo-stando—which done, he was content, and sought no more. This is + certified by the testimony of the great Hebrew captain (and) philosopher + Moses, who affirmeth that he fenced that member with a brave and gallant + codpiece, most exquisitely framed, and by right curious devices of a + notably pregnant invention made up and composed of fig-tree leaves, which + by reason of their solid stiffness, incisory notches, curled frizzling, + sleeked smoothness, large ampleness, together with their colour, smell, + virtue, and faculty, were exceeding proper and fit for the covering and + arming of the satchels of generation—the hideously big Lorraine + cullions being from thence only excepted, which, swaggering down to the + lowermost bottom of the breeches, cannot abide, for being quite out of all + order and method, the stately fashion of the high and lofty codpiece; as + is manifest by the noble Valentine Viardiere, whom I found at Nancy, on + the first day of May—the more flauntingly to gallantrize it + afterwards—rubbing his ballocks, spread out upon a table after the + manner of a Spanish cloak. Wherefore it is, that none should henceforth + say, who would not speak improperly, when any country bumpkin hieth to the + wars, Have a care, my roister, of the wine-pot, that is, the skull, but, + Have a care, my roister, of the milk-pot, that is, the testicles. By the + whole rabble of the horned fiends of hell, the head being cut off, that + single person only thereby dieth. But, if the ballocks be marred, the + whole race of human kind would forthwith perish, and be lost for ever. + </p> + <p> + This was the motive which incited the goodly writer Galen, Lib. 1. De + Spermate, to aver with boldness that it were better, that is to say, a + less evil, to have no heart at all than to be quite destitute of + genitories; for there is laid up, conserved, and put in store, as in a + secessive repository and sacred warehouse, the semence and original source + of the whole offspring of mankind. Therefore would I be apt to believe, + for less than a hundred francs, that those are the very same stones by + means whereof Deucalion and Pyrrha restored the human race, in peopling + with men and women the world, which a little before that had been drowned + in the overflowing waves of a poetical deluge. This stirred up the valiant + Justinian, L. 4. De Cagotis tollendis, to collocate his Summum Bonum, in + Braguibus, et Braguetis. For this and other causes, the Lord Humphrey de + Merville, following of his king to a certain warlike expedition, whilst he + was in trying upon his own person a new suit of armour, for of his old + rusty harness he could make no more use, by reason that some few years + since the skin of his belly was a great way removed from his kidneys, his + lady thereupon, in the profound musing of a contemplative spirit, very + maturely considering that he had but small care of the staff of love and + packet of marriage, seeing he did no otherwise arm that part of the body + than with links of mail, advised him to shield, fence, and gabionate it + with a big tilting helmet which she had lying in her closet, to her + otherwise utterly unprofitable. On this lady were penned these subsequent + verses, which are extant in the third book of the Shitbrana of Paltry + Wenches. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +When Yoland saw her spouse equipp’d for fight, +And, save the codpiece, all in armour dight, +My dear, she cried, why, pray, of all the rest +Is that exposed, you know I love the best? +Was she to blame for an ill-managed fear,— +Or rather pious, conscionable care? +Wise lady, she! In hurlyburly fight, +Can any tell where random blows may light? +</pre> + <p> + Leave off then, sir, from being astonished, and wonder no more at this new + manner of decking and trimming up of myself as you now see me. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0009" id="link32HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.IX.—How Panurge asketh counsel of Pantagruel whether he + should marry, yea, or no. + </h2> + <p> + To this Pantagruel replying nothing, Panurge prosecuted the discourse he + had already broached, and therewithal fetching, as from the bottom of his + heart, a very deep sigh, said, My lord and master, you have heard the + design I am upon, which is to marry, if by some disastrous mischance all + the holes in the world be not shut up, stopped, closed, and bushed. I + humbly beseech you, for the affection which of a long time you have borne + me, to give me your best advice therein. Then, answered Pantagruel, seeing + you have so decreed, taken deliberation thereon, and that the matter is + fully determined, what need is there of any further talk thereof, but + forthwith to put it into execution what you have resolved? Yea but, quoth + Panurge, I would be loth to act anything therein without your counsel had + thereto. It is my judgment also, quoth Pantagruel, and I advise you to it. + Nevertheless, quoth Panurge, if I understood aright that it were much + better for me to remain a bachelor as I am, than to run headlong upon new + hairbrained undertakings of conjugal adventure, I would rather choose not + to marry. Quoth Pantagruel, Then do not marry. Yea but, quoth Panurge, + would you have me so solitarily drive out the whole course of my life, + without the comfort of a matrimonial consort? You know it is written, Vae + soli! and a single person is never seen to reap the joy and solace that is + found with married folks. Then marry, in the name of God, quoth + Pantagruel. But if, quoth Panurge, my wife should make me a cuckold—as + it is not unknown unto you, how this hath been a very plentiful year in + the production of that kind of cattle—I would fly out, and grow + impatient beyond all measure and mean. I love cuckolds with my heart, for + they seem unto me to be of a right honest conversation, and I truly do + very willingly frequent their company; but should I die for it, I would + not be one of their number. That is a point for me of a too sore prickling + point. Then do not marry, quoth Pantagruel, for without all controversy + this sentence of Seneca is infallibly true, What thou to others shalt have + done, others will do the like to thee. Do you, quoth Panurge, aver that + without all exception? Yes, truly, quoth Pantagruel, without all + exception. Ho, ho, says Panurge, by the wrath of a little devil, his + meaning is, either in this world or in the other which is to come. Yet + seeing I can no more want a wife than a blind man his staff—(for) + the funnel must be in agitation, without which manner of occupation I + cannot live—were it not a great deal better for me to apply and + associate myself to some one honest, lovely, and virtuous woman, than as I + do, by a new change of females every day, run a hazard of being + bastinadoed, or, which is worse, of the great pox, if not of both + together. For never—be it spoken by their husbands’ leave and + favour—had I enjoyment yet of an honest woman. Marry then, in God’s + name, quoth Pantagruel. But if, quoth Panurge, it were the will of God, + and that my destiny did unluckily lead me to marry an honest woman who + should beat me, I would be stored with more than two third parts of the + patience of Job, if I were not stark mad by it, and quite distracted with + such rugged dealings. For it hath been told me that those exceeding honest + women have ordinarily very wicked head-pieces; therefore is it that their + family lacketh not for good vinegar. Yet in that case should it go worse + with me, if I did not then in such sort bang her back and breast, so + thumpingly bethwack her gillets, to wit, her arms, legs, head, lights, + liver, and milt, with her other entrails, and mangle, jag, and slash her + coats so after the cross-billet fashion that the greatest devil of hell + should wait at the gate for the reception of her damnel soul. I could make + a shift for this year to waive such molestation and disquiet, and be + content to lay aside that trouble, and not to be engaged in it. + </p> + <p> + Do not marry then, answered Pantagruel. Yea but, quoth Panurge, + considering the condition wherein I now am, out of debt and unmarried; + mark what I say, free from all debt, in an ill hour, for, were I deeply on + the score, my creditors would be but too careful of my paternity, but + being quit, and not married, nobody will be so regardful of me, or carry + towards me a love like that which is said to be in a conjugal affection. + And if by some mishap I should fall sick, I would be looked to very + waywardly. The wise man saith, Where there is no woman—I mean the + mother of a family and wife in the union of a lawful wedlock—the + crazy and diseased are in danger of being ill used and of having much + brabbling and strife about them; as by clear experience hath been made + apparent in the persons of popes, legates, cardinals, bishops, abbots, + priors, priests, and monks; but there, assure yourself, you shall not find + me. Marry then, in the name of God, answered Pantagruel. But if, quoth + Panurge, being ill at ease, and possibly through that distemper made + unable to discharge the matrimonial duty that is incumbent to an active + husband, my wife, impatient of that drooping sickness and faint-fits of a + pining languishment, should abandon and prostitute herself to the embraces + of another man, and not only then not help and assist me in my extremity + and need, but withal flout at and make sport of that my grievous distress + and calamity; or peradventure, which is worse, embezzle my goods and steal + from me, as I have seen it oftentimes befall unto the lot of many other + men, it were enough to undo me utterly, to fill brimful the cup of my + misfortune, and make me play the mad-pate reeks of Bedlam. Do not marry + then, quoth Pantagruel. Yea but, said Panurge, I shall never by any other + means come to have lawful sons and daughters, in whom I may harbour some + hope of perpetuating my name and arms, and to whom also I may leave and + bequeath my inheritances and purchased goods (of which latter sort you + need not doubt but that in some one or other of these mornings I will make + a fair and goodly show), that so I may cheer up and make merry when + otherwise I should be plunged into a peevish sullen mood of pensive + sullenness, as I do perceive daily by the gentle and loving carriage of + your kind and gracious father towards you; as all honest folks use to do + at their own homes and private dwelling-houses. For being free from debt, + and yet not married, if casually I should fret and be angry, although the + cause of my grief and displeasure were never so just, I am afraid, instead + of consolation, that I should meet with nothing else but scoffs, frumps, + gibes, and mocks at my disastrous fortune. Marry then, in the name of God, + quoth Pantagruel. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0010" id="link32HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.X.—How Pantagruel representeth unto Panurge the difficulty + of giving advice in the matter of marriage; and to that purpose mentioneth + somewhat of the Homeric and Virgilian lotteries. + </h2> + <p> + Your counsel, quoth Panurge, under your correction and favour, seemeth + unto me not unlike to the song of Gammer Yea-by-nay. It is full of + sarcasms, mockeries, bitter taunts, nipping bobs, derisive quips, biting + jerks, and contradictory iterations, the one part destroying the other. I + know not, quoth Pantagruel, which of all my answers to lay hold on; for + your proposals are so full of ifs and buts, that I can ground nothing on + them, nor pitch upon any solid and positive determination satisfactory to + what is demanded by them. Are not you assured within yourself of what you + have a mind to? The chief and main point of the whole matter lieth there. + All the rest is merely casual, and totally dependeth upon the fatal + disposition of the heavens. + </p> + <p> + We see some so happy in the fortune of this nuptial encounter, that their + family shineth as it were with the radiant effulgency of an idea, model, + or representation of the joys of paradise; and perceive others, again, to + be so unluckily matched in the conjugal yoke, that those very basest of + devils which tempt the hermits that inhabit the deserts of Thebais and + Montserrat are not more miserable than they. It is therefore expedient, + seeing you are resolved for once to take a trial of the state of marriage, + that, with shut eyes, bowing your head, and kissing the ground, you put + the business to a venture, and give it a fair hazard, in recommending the + success of the residue to the disposure of Almighty God. It lieth not in + my power to give you any other manner of assurance, or otherwise to + certify you of what shall ensue on this your undertaking. Nevertheless, if + it please you, this you may do. Bring hither Virgil’s poems, that + after having opened the book, and with our fingers severed the leaves + thereof three several times, we may, according to the number agreed upon + betwixt ourselves, explore the future hap of your intended marriage. For + frequently by a Homeric lottery have many hit upon their destinies; as is + testified in the person of Socrates, who, whilst he was in prison, hearing + the recitation of this verse of Homer, said of Achilles in the Ninth of + the Iliads— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Emati ke tritato Phthien eribolon ikoimen, + +We, the third day, to fertile Pthia came— +</pre> + <p> + thereby foresaw that on the third subsequent day he was to die. Of the + truth whereof he assured Aeschines; as Plato, in Critone, Cicero, in + Primo, de Divinatione, Diogenes Laertius, and others, have to the full + recorded in their works. The like is also witnessed by Opilius Macrinus, + to whom, being desirous to know if he should be the Roman emperor, befell, + by chance of lot, this sentence in the Eighth of the Iliads— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +O geron, e mala de se neoi teirousi machetai, +Ze de bin lelutai, chalepon de se geras opazei. + +Dotard, new warriors urge thee to be gone. +Thy life decays, and old age weighs thee down. +</pre> + <p> + In fact, he, being then somewhat ancient, had hardly enjoyed the + sovereignty of the empire for the space of fourteen months, when by + Heliogabalus, then both young and strong, he was dispossessed thereof, + thrust out of all, and killed. Brutus doth also bear witness of another + experiment of this nature, who willing, through this exploratory way by + lot, to learn what the event and issue should be of the Pharsalian battle + wherein he perished, he casually encountered on this verse, said of + Patroclus in the Sixteenth of the Iliads— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Alla me moir oloe, kai Letous ektanen uios. + +Fate, and Latona’s son have shot me dead. +</pre> + <p> + And accordingly Apollo was the field-word in the dreadful day of that + fight. Divers notable things of old have likewise been foretold and known + by casting of Virgilian lots; yea, in matters of no less importance than + the obtaining of the Roman empire, as it happened to Alexander Severus, + who, trying his fortune at the said kind of lottery, did hit upon this + verse written in the Sixth of the Aeneids— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Tu regere imperio populos, Romane, memento. + +Know, Roman, that thy business is to reign. +</pre> + <p> + He, within very few years thereafter, was effectually and in good earnest + created and installed Roman emperor. A semblable story thereto is related + of Adrian, who, being hugely perplexed within himself out of a longing + humour to know in what account he was with the Emperor Trajan, and how + large the measure of that affection was which he did bear unto him, had + recourse, after the manner above specified, to the Maronian lottery, which + by haphazard tendered him these lines out of the Sixth of the Aeneids— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Quis procul ille autem, ramis insignis olivae +Sacra ferens? Nosco crines incanaque menta +Regis Romani. + +But who is he, conspicuous from afar, +With olive boughs, that doth his offerings bear? +By the white hair and beard I know him plain, +The Roman king. +</pre> + <p> + Shortly thereafter was he adopted by Trajan, and succeeded to him in the + empire. Moreover, to the lot of the praiseworthy Emperor Claudius befell + this line of Virgil, written in the Sixth of his Aeneids— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Tertia dum Latio regnantem viderit aestas. + +Whilst the third summer saw him reign, a king +In Latium. +</pre> + <p> + And in effect he did not reign above two years. To the said Claudian also, + inquiring concerning his brother Quintilius, whom he proposed as a + colleague with himself in the empire, happened the response following in + the Sixth of the Aeneids— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Ostendent terris hunc tantum fata. + +Whom Fate let us see, +And would no longer suffer him to be. +</pre> + <p> + And it so fell out; for he was killed on the seventeenth day after he had + attained unto the management of the imperial charge. The very same lot, + also, with the like misluck, did betide the Emperor Gordian the younger. + To Claudius Albinus, being very solicitous to understand somewhat of his + future adventures, did occur this saying, which is written in the Sixth of + the Aeneids— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Hic rem Romanam magno turbante tumultu +Sistet Eques, &c. + +The Romans, boiling with tumultuous rage, +This warrior shall the dangerous storm assuage: +With victories he the Carthaginian mauls, +And with strong hand shall crush the rebel Gauls. +</pre> + <p> + Likewise, when the Emperor D. Claudius, Aurelian’s predecessor, did + with great eagerness research after the fate to come of his posterity, his + hap was to alight on this verse in the First of the Aeneids— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Hic ego nec metas rerum, nec tempora pono. + +No bounds are to be set, no limits here. +</pre> + <p> + Which was fulfilled by the goodly genealogical row of his race. When Mr. + Peter Amy did in like manner explore and make trial if he should escape + the ambush of the hobgoblins who lay in wait all-to-bemaul him, he fell + upon this verse in the Third of the Aeneids— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Heu! fuge crudeles terras, fuge littus avarum! + +Oh, flee the bloody land, the wicked shore! +</pre> + <p> + Which counsel he obeying, safe and sound forthwith avoided all these + ambuscades. + </p> + <p> + Were it not to shun prolixity, I could enumerate a thousand such like + adventures, which, conform to the dictate and verdict of the verse, have + by that manner of lot-casting encounter befallen to the curious + researchers of them. Do not you nevertheless imagine, lest you should be + deluded, that I would upon this kind of fortune-flinging proof infer an + uncontrollable and not to be gainsaid infallibility of truth. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0011" id="link32HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XI.—How Pantagruel showeth the trial of one’s + fortune by the throwing of dice to be unlawful. + </h2> + <p> + It would be sooner done, quoth Panurge, and more expeditely, if we should + try the matter at the chance of three fair dice. Quoth Pantagruel, That + sort of lottery is deceitful, abusive, illicitous, and exceedingly + scandalous. Never trust in it. The accursed book of the Recreation of Dice + was a great while ago excogitated in Achaia, near Bourre, by that ancient + enemy of mankind, the infernal calumniator, who, before the statue or + massive image of the Bourraic Hercules, did of old, and doth in several + places of the world as yet, make many simple souls to err and fall into + his snares. You know how my father Gargantua hath forbidden it over all + his kingdoms and dominions; how he hath caused burn the moulds and + draughts thereof, and altogether suppressed, abolished, driven forth, and + cast it out of the land, as a most dangerous plague and infection to any + well-polished state or commonwealth. What I have told you of dice, I say + the same of the play at cockall. It is a lottery of the like guile and + deceitfulness; and therefore do not for convincing of me allege in + opposition to this my opinion, or bring in the example of the fortunate + cast of Tiberius, within the fountain of Aponus, at the oracle of Gerion. + These are the baited hooks by which the devil attracts and draweth unto + him the foolish souls of silly people into eternal perdition. + </p> + <p> + Nevertheless, to satisfy your humour in some measure, I am content you + throw three dice upon this table, that, according to the number of the + blots which shall happen to be cast up, we may hit upon a verse of that + page which in the setting open of the book you shall have pitched upon. + </p> + <p> + Have you any dice in your pocket? A whole bagful, answered Panurge. That + is provision against the devil, as is expounded by Merlin Coccaius, Lib. + 2. De Patria Diabolorum. The devil would be sure to take me napping, and + very much at unawares, if he should find me without dice. With this, the + three dice being taken out, produced, and thrown, they fell so pat upon + the lower points that the cast was five, six, and five. These are, quoth + Panurge, sixteen in all. Let us take the sixteenth line of the page. The + number pleaseth me very well; I hope we shall have a prosperous and happy + chance. May I be thrown amidst all the devils of hell, even as a great + bowl cast athwart at a set of ninepins, or cannon-ball shot among a + battalion of foot, in case so many times I do not boult my future wife the + first night of our marriage! Of that, forsooth, I make no doubt at all, + quoth Pantagruel. You needed not to have rapped forth such a horrid + imprecation, the sooner to procure credit for the performance of so small + a business, seeing possibly the first bout will be amiss, and that you + know is usually at tennis called fifteen. At the next justling turn you + may readily amend that fault, and so complete your reckoning of sixteen. + Is it so, quoth Panurge, that you understand the matter? And must my words + be thus interpreted? Nay, believe me never yet was any solecism committed + by that valiant champion who often hath for me in Belly-dale stood sentry + at the hypogastrian cranny. Did you ever hitherto find me in the + confraternity of the faulty? Never, I trow; never, nor ever shall, for + ever and a day. I do the feat like a goodly friar or father confessor, + without default. And therein am I willing to be judged by the players. He + had no sooner spoke these words than the works of Virgil were brought in. + But before the book was laid open, Panurge said to Pantagruel, My heart, + like the furch of a hart in a rut, doth beat within my breast. Be pleased + to feel and grope my pulse a little on this artery of my left arm. At its + frequent rise and fall you would say that they swinge and belabour me + after the manner of a probationer, posed and put to a peremptory trial in + the examination of his sufficiency for the discharge of the learned duty + of a graduate in some eminent degree in the college of the Sorbonists. + </p> + <p> + But would you not hold it expedient, before we proceed any further, that + we should invocate Hercules and the Tenetian goddesses who in the chamber + of lots are said to rule, sit in judgment, and bear a presidential sway? + Neither him nor them, answered Pantagruel; only open up the leaves of the + book with your fingers, and set your nails awork. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0012" id="link32HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XII.—How Pantagruel doth explore by the Virgilian lottery + what fortune Panurge shall have in his marriage. + </h2> + <p> + Then at the opening of the book in the sixteenth row of the lines of the + disclosed page did Panurge encounter upon this following verse: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Nec Deus hunc mensa, Dea nec dignata cubili est. + +The god him from his table banished, +Nor would the goddess have him in her bed. +</pre> + <p> + This response, quoth Pantagruel, maketh not very much for your benefit or + advantage; for it plainly signifies and denoteth that your wife shall be a + strumpet, and yourself by consequence a cuckold. The goddess, whom you + shall not find propitious nor favourable unto you, is Minerva, a most + redoubtable and dreadful virgin, a powerful and fulminating goddess, an + enemy to cuckolds and effeminate youngsters, to cuckold-makers and + adulterers. The god is Jupiter, a terrible and thunder-striking god from + heaven. And withal it is to be remarked, that, conform to the doctrine of + the ancient Etrurians, the manubes, for so did they call the darting hurls + or slinging casts of the Vulcanian thunderbolts, did only appertain to her + and to Jupiter her father capital. This was verified in the conflagration + of the ships of Ajax Oileus, nor doth this fulminating power belong to any + other of the Olympic gods. Men, therefore, stand not in such fear of them. + Moreover, I will tell you, and you may take it as extracted out of the + profoundest mysteries of mythology, that, when the giants had enterprised + the waging of a war against the power of the celestial orbs, the gods at + first did laugh at those attempts, and scorned such despicable enemies, + who were, in their conceit, not strong enough to cope in feats of warfare + with their pages; but when they saw by the gigantine labour the high hill + Pelion set on lofty Ossa, and that the mount Olympus was made shake to be + erected on the top of both, then was it that Jupiter held a parliament, or + general convention, wherein it was unanimously resolved upon and + condescended to by all the gods, that they should worthily and valiantly + stand to their defence. And because they had often seen battles lost by + the cumbersome lets and disturbing encumbrances of women confusedly + huddled in amongst armies, it was at that time decreed and enacted that + they should expel and drive out of heaven into Egypt and the confines of + Nile that whole crew of goddesses, disguised in the shapes of weasels, + polecats, bats, shrew-mice, ferrets, fulmarts, and other such like odd + transformations; only Minerva was reserved to participate with Jupiter in + the horrific fulminating power, as being the goddess both of war and + learning, of arts and arms, of counsel and despatch—a goddess armed + from her birth, a goddess dreaded in heaven, in the air, by sea and land. + By the belly of Saint Buff, quoth Panurge, should I be Vulcan, whom the + poet blazons? Nay, I am neither a cripple, coiner of false money, nor + smith, as he was. My wife possibly will be as comely and handsome as ever + was his Venus, but not a whore like her, nor I a cuckold like him. The + crook-legged slovenly slave made himself to be declared a cuckold by a + definite sentence and judgment, in the open view of all the gods. For this + cause ought you to interpret the afore-mentioned verse quite contrary to + what you have said. This lot importeth that my wife will be honest, + virtuous, chaste, loyal, and faithful; not armed, surly, wayward, cross, + giddy, humorous, heady, hairbrained, or extracted out of the brains, as + was the goddess Pallas; nor shall this fair jolly Jupiter be my co-rival. + He shall never dip his bread in my broth, though we should sit together at + one table. + </p> + <p> + Consider his exploits and gallant actions. He was the manifest ruffian, + wencher, whoremonger, and most infamous cuckold-maker that ever breathed. + He did always lecher it like a boar, and no wonder, for he was fostered by + a sow in the Isle of Candia, if Agathocles the Babylonian be not a liar, + and more rammishly lascivious than a buck; whence it is that he is said by + others to have been suckled and fed with the milk of the Amalthaean goat. + By the virtue of Acheron, he justled, bulled, and lastauriated in one day + the third part of the world, beasts and people, floods and mountains; that + was Europa. For this grand subagitatory achievement the Ammonians caused + draw, delineate, and paint him in the figure and shape of a ram ramming, + and horned ram. But I know well enough how to shield and preserve myself + from that horned champion. He will not, trust me, have to deal in my + person with a sottish, dunsical Amphitryon, nor with a silly witless + Argus, for all his hundred spectacles, nor yet with the cowardly meacock + Acrisius, the simple goose-cap Lycus of Thebes, the doting blockhead + Agenor, the phlegmatic pea-goose Aesop, rough-footed Lycaon, the luskish + misshapen Corytus of Tuscany, nor with the large-backed and strong-reined + Atlas. Let him alter, change, transform, and metamorphose himself into a + hundred various shapes and figures, into a swan, a bull, a satyr, a shower + of gold, or into a cuckoo, as he did when he unmaidened his sister Juno; + into an eagle, ram, or dove, as when he was enamoured of the virgin + Phthia, who then dwelt in the Aegean territory; into fire, a serpent, yea, + even into a flea; into Epicurean and Democratical atoms, or, more + Magistronostralistically, into those sly intentions of the mind, which in + the schools are called second notions,—I’ll catch him in the + nick, and take him napping. And would you know what I would do unto him? + Even that which to his father Coelum Saturn did—Seneca foretold it + of me, and Lactantius hath confirmed it—what the goddess Rhea did to + Athis. I would make him two stone lighter, rid him of his Cyprian cymbals, + and cut so close and neatly by the breech, that there shall not remain + thereof so much as one—, so cleanly would I shave him, and disable + him for ever from being Pope, for Testiculos non habet. Hold there, said + Pantagruel; ho, soft and fair, my lad! Enough of that,—cast up, turn + over the leaves, and try your fortune for the second time. Then did he + fall upon this ensuing verse: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Membra quatit, gelidusque coit formidine sanguis. + +His joints and members quake, he becomes pale, +And sudden fear doth his cold blood congeal. +</pre> + <p> + This importeth, quoth Pantagruel, that she will soundly bang your back and + belly. Clean and quite contrary, answered Panurge; it is of me that he + prognosticates, in saying that I will beat her like a tiger if she vex me. + Sir Martin Wagstaff will perform that office, and in default of a cudgel, + the devil gulp him, if I should not eat her up quick, as Candaul the + Lydian king did his wife, whom he ravened and devoured. + </p> + <p> + You are very stout, says Pantagruel, and courageous; Hercules himself + durst hardly adventure to scuffle with you in this your raging fury. Nor + is it strange; for the Jan is worth two, and two in fight against Hercules + are too too strong. Am I a Jan? quoth Panurge. No, no, answered + Pantagruel. My mind was only running upon the lurch and tricktrack. + Thereafter did he hit, at the third opening of the book, upon this verse: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Foemineo praedae, et spoliorum ardebat amore. + +After the spoil and pillage, as in fire, +He burnt with a strong feminine desire. +</pre> + <p> + This portendeth, quoth Pantagruel, that she will steal your goods, and rob + you. Hence this, according to these three drawn lots, will be your future + destiny, I clearly see it,—you will be a cuckold, you will be + beaten, and you will be robbed. Nay, it is quite otherwise, quoth Panurge; + for it is certain that this verse presageth that she will love me with a + perfect liking. Nor did the satyr-writing poet lie in proof hereof, when + he affirmed that a woman, burning with extreme affection, takes sometimes + pleasure to steal from her sweetheart. And what, I pray you? A glove, a + point, or some such trifling toy of no importance, to make him keep a + gentle kind of stirring in the research and quest thereof. In like manner, + these small scolding debates and petty brabbling contentions, which + frequently we see spring up and for a certain space boil very hot betwixt + a couple of high-spirited lovers, are nothing else but recreative + diversions for their refreshment, spurs to and incentives of a more + fervent amity than ever. As, for example, we do sometimes see cutlers with + hammers maul their finest whetstones, therewith to sharpen their iron + tools the better. And therefore do I think that these three lots make much + for my advantage; which, if not, I from their sentence totally appeal. + There is no appellation, quoth Pantagruel, from the decrees of fate or + destiny, of lot or chance; as is recorded by our ancient lawyers, witness + Baldus, Lib. ult. Cap. de Leg. The reason hereof is, Fortune doth not + acknowledge a superior, to whom an appeal may be made from her or any of + her substitutes. And in this case the pupil cannot be restored to his + right in full, as openly by the said author is alleged in L. Ait Praetor, + paragr. ult. ff. de minor. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0013" id="link32HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XIII.—How Pantagruel adviseth Panurge to try the future + good or bad luck of his marriage by dreams. + </h2> + <p> + Now, seeing we cannot agree together in the manner of expounding or + interpreting the sense of the Virgilian lots, let us bend our course + another way, and try a new sort of divination. Of what kind? asked + Panurge. Of a good ancient and authentic fashion, answered Pantagruel; it + is by dreams. For in dreaming, such circumstances and conditions being + thereto adhibited, as are clearly enough described by Hippocrates, in Lib. + Peri ton enupnion, by Plato, Plotin, Iamblicus, Sinesius, Aristotle, + Xenophon, Galen, Plutarch, Artemidorus, Daldianus, Herophilus, Q. Calaber, + Theocritus, Pliny, Athenaeus, and others, the soul doth oftentimes foresee + what is to come. How true this is, you may conceive by a very vulgar and + familiar example; as when you see that at such a time as suckling babes, + well nourished, fed, and fostered with good milk, sleep soundly and + profoundly, the nurses in the interim get leave to sport themselves, and + are licentiated to recreate their fancies at what range to them shall seem + most fitting and expedient, their presence, sedulity, and attendance on + the cradle being, during all that space, held unnecessary. Even just so, + when our body is at rest, that the concoction is everywhere accomplished, + and that, till it awake, it lacks for nothing, our soul delighteth to + disport itself and is well pleased in that frolic to take a review of its + native country, which is the heavens, where it receiveth a most notable + participation of its first beginning with an imbuement from its divine + source, and in contemplation of that infinite and intellectual sphere, + whereof the centre is everywhere, and the circumference in no place of the + universal world, to wit, God, according to the doctrine of Hermes + Trismegistus, to whom no new thing happeneth, whom nothing that is past + escapeth, and unto whom all things are alike present, remarketh not only + what is preterit and gone in the inferior course and agitation of + sublunary matters, but withal taketh notice what is to come; then bringing + a relation of those future events unto the body of the outward senses and + exterior organs, it is divulged abroad unto the hearing of others. + Whereupon the owner of that soul deserveth to be termed a vaticinator, or + prophet. Nevertheless, the truth is, that the soul is seldom able to + report those things in such sincerity as it hath seen them, by reason of + the imperfection and frailty of the corporeal senses, which obstruct the + effectuating of that office; even as the moon doth not communicate unto + this earth of ours that light which she receiveth from the sun with so + much splendour, heat, vigour, purity, and liveliness as it was given her. + Hence it is requisite for the better reading, explaining, and unfolding of + these somniatory vaticinations and predictions of that nature, that a + dexterous, learned, skilful, wise, industrious, expert, rational, and + peremptory expounder or interpreter be pitched upon, such a one as by the + Greeks is called onirocrit, or oniropolist. For this cause Heraclitus was + wont to say that nothing is by dreams revealed to us, that nothing is by + dreams concealed from us, and that only we thereby have a mystical + signification and secret evidence of things to come, either for our own + prosperous or unlucky fortune, or for the favourable or disastrous success + of another. The sacred Scriptures testify no less, and profane histories + assure us of it, in both which are exposed to our view a thousand several + kinds of strange adventures, which have befallen pat according to the + nature of the dream, and that as well to the party dreamer as to others. + The Atlantic people, and those that inhabit the (is)land of Thasos, one of + the Cyclades, are of this grand commodity deprived; for in their countries + none yet ever dreamed. Of this sort (were) Cleon of Daulia, Thrasymedes, + and in our days the learned Frenchman Villanovanus, neither of all which + knew what dreaming was. + </p> + <p> + Fail not therefore to-morrow, when the jolly and fair Aurora with her rosy + fingers draweth aside the curtains of the night to drive away the sable + shades of darkness, to bend your spirits wholly to the task of sleeping + sound, and thereto apply yourself. In the meanwhile you must denude your + mind of every human passion or affection, such as are love and hatred, + fear and hope, for as of old the great vaticinator, most famous and + renowned prophet Proteus, was not able in his disguise or transformation + into fire, water, a tiger, a dragon, and other such like uncouth shapes + and visors, to presage anything that was to come till he was restored to + his own first natural and kindly form; just so doth man; for, at his + reception of the art of divination and faculty of prognosticating future + things, that part in him which is the most divine, to wit, the Nous, or + Mens, must be calm, peaceable, untroubled, quiet, still, hushed, and not + embusied or distracted with foreign, soul-disturbing perturbations. I am + content, quoth Panurge. But, I pray you, sir, must I this evening, ere I + go to bed, eat much or little? I do not ask this without cause. For if I + sup not well, large, round, and amply, my sleeping is not worth a forked + turnip. All the night long I then but doze and rave, and in my slumbering + fits talk idle nonsense, my thoughts being in a dull brown study, and as + deep in their dumps as is my belly hollow. + </p> + <p> + Not to sup, answered Pantagruel, were best for you, considering the state + of your complexion and healthy constitution of your body. A certain very + ancient prophet, named Amphiaraus, wished such as had a mind by dreams to + be imbued with any oracle, for four-and-twenty hours to taste no victuals, + and to abstain from wine three days together. Yet shall not you be put to + such a sharp, hard, rigorous, and extreme sparing diet. I am truly right + apt to believe that a man whose stomach is replete with various cheer, and + in a manner surfeited with drinking, is hardly able to conceive aright of + spiritual things; yet am not I of the opinion of those who, after long and + pertinacious fastings, think by such means to enter more profoundly into + the speculation of celestial mysteries. You may very well remember how my + father Gargantua (whom here for honour sake I name) hath often told us + that the writings of abstinent, abstemious, and long-fasting hermits were + every whit as saltless, dry, jejune, and insipid as were their bodies when + they did compose them. It is a most difficult thing for the spirits to be + in a good plight, serene and lively, when there is nothing in the body but + a kind of voidness and inanity; seeing the philosophers with the + physicians jointly affirm that the spirits which are styled animal spring + from, and have their constant practice in and through the arterial blood, + refined and purified to the life within the admirable net which, + wonderfully framed, lieth under the ventricles and tunnels of the brain. + He gave us also the example of the philosopher who, when he thought most + seriously to have withdrawn himself unto a solitary privacy, far from the + rustling clutterments of the tumultuous and confused world, the better to + improve his theory, to contrive, comment, and ratiocinate, was, + notwithstanding his uttermost endeavours to free himself from all untoward + noises, surrounded and environed about so with the barking of curs, + bawling of mastiffs, bleating of sheep, prating of parrots, tattling of + jackdaws, grunting of swine, girning of boars, yelping of foxes, mewing of + cats, cheeping of mice, squeaking of weasels, croaking of frogs, crowing + of cocks, cackling of hens, calling of partridges, chanting of swans, + chattering of jays, peeping of chickens, singing of larks, creaking of + geese, chirping of swallows, clucking of moorfowls, cucking of cuckoos, + bumbling of bees, rammage of hawks, chirming of linnets, croaking of + ravens, screeching of owls, whicking of pigs, gushing of hogs, curring of + pigeons, grumbling of cushat-doves, howling of panthers, curkling of + quails, chirping of sparrows, crackling of crows, nuzzing of camels, + wheening of whelps, buzzing of dromedaries, mumbling of rabbits, cricking + of ferrets, humming of wasps, mioling of tigers, bruzzing of bears, + sussing of kitlings, clamouring of scarfs, whimpering of fulmarts, booing + of buffaloes, warbling of nightingales, quavering of mavises, drintling of + turkeys, coniating of storks, frantling of peacocks, clattering of + magpies, murmuring of stock-doves, crouting of cormorants, cigling of + locusts, charming of beagles, guarring of puppies, snarling of messens, + rantling of rats, guerieting of apes, snuttering of monkeys, pioling of + pelicans, quacking of ducks, yelling of wolves, roaring of lions, neighing + of horses, crying of elephants, hissing of serpents, and wailing of turtles, + that he was much more troubled than if he had been in the middle of the + crowd at the fair of Fontenay or Niort. Just so is it with those who are + tormented with the grievous pangs of hunger. The stomach begins to gnaw, + and bark, as it were, the eyes to look dim, and the veins, by greedily + sucking some refection to themselves from the proper substance of all the + members of a fleshy consistence, violently pull down and draw back that + vagrant, roaming spirit, careless and neglecting of his nurse and natural + host, which is the body; as when a hawk upon the fist, willing to take her + flight by a soaring aloft in the open spacious air, is on a sudden drawn + back by a leash tied to her feet. + </p> + <p> + To this purpose also did he allege unto us the authority of Homer, the + father of all philosophy, who said that the Grecians did not put an end to + their mournful mood for the death of Patroclus, the most intimate friend + of Achilles, till hunger in a rage declared herself, and their bellies + protested to furnish no more tears unto their grief. For from bodies + emptied and macerated by long fasting there could not be such supply of + moisture and brackish drops as might be proper on that occasion. + </p> + <p> + Mediocrity at all times is commendable; nor in this case are you to + abandon it. You may take a little supper, but thereat must you not eat of + a hare, nor of any other flesh. You are likewise to abstain from beans, + from the preak, by some called the polyp, as also from coleworts, cabbage, + and all other such like windy victuals, which may endanger the troubling + of your brains and the dimming or casting a kind of mist over your animal + spirits. For, as a looking-glass cannot exhibit the semblance or + representation of the object set before it, and exposed to have its image + to the life expressed, if that the polished sleekedness thereof be + darkened by gross breathings, dampish vapours, and foggy, thick, + infectious exhalations, even so the fancy cannot well receive the + impression of the likeness of those things which divination doth afford by + dreams, if any way the body be annoyed or troubled with the fumish steam + of meat which it had taken in a while before; because betwixt these two + there still hath been a mutual sympathy and fellow-feeling of an + indissolubly knit affection. You shall eat good Eusebian and Bergamot + pears, one apple of the short-shank pippin kind, a parcel of the little + plums of Tours, and some few cherries of the growth of my orchard. Nor + shall you need to fear that thereupon will ensue doubtful dreams, + fallacious, uncertain, and not to be trusted to, as by some peripatetic + philosophers hath been related; for that, say they, men do more copiously + in the season of harvest feed on fruitages than at any other time. The + same is mystically taught us by the ancient prophets and poets, who allege + that all vain and deceitful dreams lie hid and in covert under the leaves + which are spread on the ground—by reason that the leaves fall from + the trees in the autumnal quarter. For the natural fervour which, + abounding in ripe, fresh, recent fruits, cometh by the quickness of its + ebullition to be with ease evaporated into the animal parts of the + dreaming person—the experiment is obvious in most—is a pretty + while before it be expired, dissolved, and evanished. As for your drink, + you are to have it of the fair, pure water of my fountain. + </p> + <p> + The condition, quoth Panurge, is very hard. Nevertheless, cost what price + it will, or whatsoever come of it, I heartily condescend thereto; + protesting that I shall to-morrow break my fast betimes after my + somniatory exercitations. Furthermore, I recommend myself to Homer’s + two gates, to Morpheus, to Iselon, to Phantasus, and unto Phobetor. If + they in this my great need succour me and grant me that assistance which + is fitting, I will in honour of them all erect a jolly, genteel altar, + composed of the softest down. If I were now in Laconia, in the temple of + Juno, betwixt Oetile and Thalamis, she suddenly would disentangle my + perplexity, resolve me of my doubts, and cheer me up with fair and jovial + dreams in a deep sleep. + </p> + <p> + Then did he say thus unto Pantagruel: Sir, were it not expedient for my + purpose to put a branch or two of curious laurel betwixt the quilt and + bolster of my bed, under the pillow on which my head must lean? There is + no need at all of that, quoth Pantagruel; for, besides that it is a thing + very superstitious, the cheat thereof hath been at large discovered unto + us in the writings of Serapion, Ascalonites, Antiphon, Philochorus, + Artemon, and Fulgentius Planciades. I could say as much to you of the left + shoulder of a crocodile, as also of a chameleon, without prejudice be it + spoken to the credit which is due to the opinion of old Democritus; and + likewise of the stone of the Bactrians, called Eumetrides, and of the + Ammonian horn; for so by the Aethiopians is termed a certain precious + stone, coloured like gold, and in the fashion, shape, form, and proportion + of a ram’s horn, as the horn of Jupiter Ammon is reported to have + been: they over and above assuredly affirming that the dreams of those who + carry it about them are no less veritable and infallible than the truth of + the divine oracles. Nor is this much unlike to what Homer and Virgil wrote + of these two gates of sleep, to which you have been pleased to recommend + the management of what you have in hand. The one is of ivory, which + letteth in confused, doubtful, and uncertain dreams; for through ivory, + how small and slender soever it be, we can see nothing, the density, + opacity, and close compactedness of its material parts hindering the + penetration of the visual rays and the reception of the specieses of such + things as are visible. The other is of horn, at which an entry is made to + sure and certain dreams, even as through horn, by reason of the diaphanous + splendour and bright transparency thereof, the species of all objects of + the sight distinctly pass, and so without confusion appear, that they are + clearly seen. Your meaning is, and you would thereby infer, quoth Friar + John, that the dreams of all horned cuckolds, of which number Panurge, by + the help of God and his future wife, is without controversy to be one, are + always true and infallible. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0014" id="link32HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XIV.—Panurge’s dream, with the interpretation + thereof. + </h2> + <p> + At seven o’clock of the next following morning Panurge did not fail + to present himself before Pantagruel, in whose chamber were at that time + Epistemon, Friar John of the Funnels, Ponocrates, Eudemon, Carpalin, and + others, to whom, at the entry of Panurge, Pantagruel said, Lo! here cometh + our dreamer. That word, quoth Epistemon, in ancient times cost very much, + and was dearly sold to the children of Jacob. Then said Panurge, I have + been plunged into my dumps so deeply, as if I had been lodged with Gaffer + Noddy-cap. Dreamed indeed I have, and that right lustily; but I could take + along with me no more thereof that I did goodly understand save only that + I in my vision had a pretty, fair, young, gallant, handsome woman, who no + less lovingly and kindly treated and entertained me, hugged, cherished, + cockered, dandled, and made much of me, as if I had been another neat + dilly-darling minion, like Adonis. Never was man more glad than I was + then; my joy at that time was incomparable. She flattered me, tickled me, + stroked me, groped me, frizzled me, curled me, kissed me, embraced me, + laid her hands about my neck, and now and then made jestingly pretty + little horns above my forehead. I told her in the like disport, as I did + play the fool with her, that she should rather place and fix them in a + little below mine eyes, that I might see the better what I should stick at + with them; for, being so situated, Momus then would find no fault + therewith, as he did once with the position of the horns of bulls. The + wanton, toying girl, notwithstanding any remonstrance of mine to the + contrary, did always drive and thrust them further in; yet thereby, which + to me seemed wonderful, she did not do me any hurt at all. A little after, + though I know not how, I thought I was transformed into a tabor, and she + into a chough. + </p> + <p> + My sleeping there being interrupted, I awaked in a start, angry, + displeased, perplexed, chafing, and very wroth. There have you a large + platterful of dreams, make thereupon good cheer, and, if you please, spare + not to interpret them according to the understanding which you may have in + them. Come, Carpalin, let us to breakfast. To my sense and meaning, quoth + Pantagruel, if I have skill or knowledge in the art of divination by + dreams, your wife will not really, and to the outward appearance of the + world, plant or set horns, and stick them fast in your forehead, after a + visible manner, as satyrs use to wear and carry them; but she will be so + far from preserving herself loyal in the discharge and observance of a + conjugal duty, that, on the contrary, she will violate her plighted faith, + break her marriage-oath, infringe all matrimonial ties, prostitute her + body to the dalliance of other men, and so make you a cuckold. This point + is clearly and manifestly explained and expounded by Artemidorus just as I + have related it. Nor will there be any metamorphosis or transmutation made + of you into a drum or tabor, but you will surely be as soundly beaten as + ever was tabor at a merry wedding. Nor yet will she be changed into a + chough, but will steal from you, chiefly in the night, as is the nature of + that thievish bird. Hereby may you perceive your dreams to be in every jot + conform and agreeable to the Virgilian lots. A cuckold you will be, beaten + and robbed. Then cried out Father John with a loud voice, He tells the + truth; upon my conscience, thou wilt be a cuckold—an honest one, I + warrant thee. O the brave horns that will be borne by thee! Ha, ha, ha! + Our good Master de Cornibus. God save thee, and shield thee! Wilt thou be + pleased to preach but two words of a sermon to us, and I will go through + the parish church to gather up alms for the poor. + </p> + <p> + You are, quoth Panurge, very far mistaken in your interpretation; for the + matter is quite contrary to your sense thereof. My dream presageth that I + shall by marriage be stored with plenty of all manner of goods—the + hornifying of me showing that I will possess a cornucopia, that Amalthaean + horn which is called the horn of abundance, whereof the fruition did still + portend the wealth of the enjoyer. You possibly will say that they are + rather like to be satyr’s horns; for you of these did make some + mention. Amen, Amen, Fiat, fiatur, ad differentiam papae. Thus shall I + have my touch-her-home still ready. My staff of love, sempiternally in a + good case, will, satyr-like, be never toiled out—a thing which all + men wish for, and send up their prayers to that purpose, but such a thing + as nevertheless is granted but to a few. Hence doth it follow by a + consequence as clear as the sunbeams that I will never be in the danger of + being made a cuckold, for the defect hereof is Causa sine qua non; yea, + the sole cause, as many think, of making husbands cuckolds. What makes + poor scoundrel rogues to beg, I pray you? Is it not because they have not + enough at home wherewith to fill their bellies and their pokes? What is it + makes the wolves to leave the woods? Is it not the want of flesh meat? + What maketh women whores? You understand me well enough. And herein may I + very well submit my opinion to the judgment of learned lawyers, + presidents, counsellors, advocates, procurers, attorneys, and other + glossers and commentators on the venerable rubric, De frigidis et + maleficiatis. You are, in truth, sir, as it seems to me (excuse my + boldness if I have transgressed), in a most palpable and absurd error to + attribute my horns to cuckoldry. Diana wears them on her head after the + manner of a crescent. Is she a cucquean for that? How the devil can she be + cuckolded who never yet was married? Speak somewhat more correctly, I + beseech you, lest she, being offended, furnish you with a pair of horns + shapen by the pattern of those which she made for Actaeon. The goodly + Bacchus also carries horns, —Pan, Jupiter Ammon, with a great many + others. Are they all cuckolds? If Jove be a cuckold, Juno is a whore. This + follows by the figure metalepsis: as to call a child, in the presence of + his father and mother, a bastard, or whore’s son, is tacitly and + underboard no less than if he had said openly the father is a cuckold and + his wife a punk. Let our discourse come nearer to the purpose. The horns + that my wife did make me are horns of abundance, planted and grafted in my + head for the increase and shooting up of all good things. This will I + affirm for truth, upon my word, and pawn my faith and credit both upon it. + As for the rest, I will be no less joyful, frolic, glad, cheerful, merry, + jolly, and gamesome, than a well-bended tabor in the hands of a good + drummer at a nuptial feast, still making a noise, still rolling, still + buzzing and cracking. Believe me, sir, in that consisteth none of my least + good fortunes. And my wife will be jocund, feat, compt, neat, quaint, + dainty, trim, tricked up, brisk, smirk, and smug, even as a pretty little + Cornish chough. Who will not believe this, let hell or the gallows be the + burden of his Christmas carol. + </p> + <p> + I remark, quoth Pantagruel, the last point or particle which you did speak + of, and, having seriously conferred it with the first, find that at the + beginning you were delighted with the sweetness of your dream; but in the + end and final closure of it you startingly awaked, and on a sudden were + forthwith vexed in choler and annoyed. Yea, quoth Panurge, the reason of + that was because I had fasted too long. Flatter not yourself, quoth + Pantagruel; all will go to ruin. Know for a certain truth, that every + sleep that endeth with a starting, and leaves the person irksome, grieved, + and fretting, doth either signify a present evil, or otherwise presageth + and portendeth a future imminent mishap. To signify an evil, that is to + say, to show some sickness hardly curable, a kind of pestilentious or + malignant boil, botch, or sore, lying and lurking hid, occult, and latent + within the very centre of the body, which many times doth by the means of + sleep, whose nature is to reinforce and strengthen the faculty and virtue + of concoction, being according to the theorems of physic to declare + itself, and moves toward the outward superficies. At this sad stirring is + the sleeper’s rest and ease disturbed and broken, whereof the first + feeling and stinging smart admonisheth that he must patiently endure great + pain and trouble, and thereunto provide some remedy; as when we say + proverbially, to incense hornets, to move a stinking puddle, and to awake + a sleeping lion, instead of these more usual expressions, and of a more + familiar and plain meaning, to provoke angry persons, to make a thing the + worse by meddling with it, and to irritate a testy choleric man when he is + at quiet. On the other part, to presage or foretell an evil, especially in + what concerneth the exploits of the soul in matter of somnial divinations, + is as much to say as that it giveth us to understand that some dismal + fortune or mischance is destinated and prepared for us, which shortly will + not fail to come to pass. A clear and evident example hereof is to be + found in the dream and dreadful awaking of Hecuba, as likewise in that of + Eurydice, the wife of Orpheus, neither of which was (no) sooner finished, + saith Ennius, but that incontinently thereafter they awaked in a start, + and were affrighted horribly. Thereupon these accidents ensued: Hecuba had + her husband Priamus, together with her children, slain before her eyes, + and saw then the destruction of her country; and Eurydice died speedily + thereafter in a most miserable manner. Aeneas, dreaming that he spoke to + Hector a little after his decease, did on a sudden in a great start awake, + and was afraid. Now hereupon did follow this event: Troy that same night + was spoiled, sacked, and burnt. At another time the same Aeneas dreaming + that he saw his familiar geniuses and penates, in a ghastly fright and + astonishment awaked, of which terror and amazement the issue was, that the + very next day subsequent, by a most horrible tempest on the sea, he was + like to have perished and been cast away. Moreover, Turnus being prompted, + instigated, and stirred up by the fantastic vision of an infernal fury to + enter into a bloody war against Aeneas, awaked in a start much troubled + and disquieted in spirit; in sequel whereof, after many notable and famous + routs, defeats, and discomfitures in open field, he came at last to be + killed in a single combat by the said Aeneas. A thousand other instances I + could afford, if it were needful, of this matter. Whilst I relate these + stories of Aeneas, remark the saying of Fabius Pictor, who faithfully + averred that nothing had at any time befallen unto, was done, or + enterprised by him, whereof he preallably had not notice, and beforehand + foreseen it to the full, by sure predictions altogether founded on the + oracles of somnial divination. To this there is no want of pregnant + reasons, no more than of examples. For if repose and rest in sleeping be a + special gift and favour of the gods, as is maintained by the philosophers, + and by the poet attested in these lines, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Then sleep, that heavenly gift, came to refresh +Of human labourers the wearied flesh; +</pre> + <p> + such a gift or benefit can never finish or terminate in wrath and + indignation without portending some unlucky fate and most disastrous + fortune to ensue. Otherwise it were a molestation, and not an ease; a + scourge, and not a gift; at least, (not) proceeding from the gods above, + but from the infernal devils our enemies, according to the common vulgar + saying. + </p> + <p> + Suppose the lord, father, or master of a family, sitting at a very + sumptuous dinner, furnished with all manner of good cheer, and having at + his entry to the table his appetite sharp set upon his victuals, whereof + there was great plenty, should be seen rise in a start, and on a sudden + fling out of his chair, abandoning his meat, frighted, appalled, and in a + horrid terror, who should not know the cause hereof would wonder, and be + astonished exceedingly. But what? he heard his male servants cry, Fire, + fire, fire, fire! his serving-maids and women yell, Stop thief, stop + thief! and all his children shout as loud as ever they could, Murder, O + murder, murder! Then was it not high time for him to leave his banqueting, + for application of a remedy in haste, and to give speedy order for + succouring of his distressed household? Truly I remember that the + Cabalists and Massorets, interpreters of the sacred Scriptures, in + treating how with verity one might judge of evangelical apparitions + (because oftentimes the angel of Satan is disguised and transfigured into + an angel of light), said that the difference of these two mainly did + consist in this: the favourable and comforting angel useth in his + appearing unto man at first to terrify and hugely affright him, but in the + end he bringeth consolation, leaveth the person who hath seen him joyful, + well-pleased, fully content, and satisfied; on the other side, the angel + of perdition, that wicked, devilish, and malignant spirit, at his + appearance unto any person in the beginning cheereth up the heart of his + beholder, but at last forsakes him, and leaves him troubled, angry, and + perplexed. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0015" id="link32HCH0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XV.—Panurge’s excuse and exposition of the monastic + mystery concerning powdered beef. + </h2> + <p> + The Lord save those who see, and do not hear! quoth Panurge. I see you + well enough, but know not what it is that you have said. The + hunger-starved belly wanteth ears. For lack of victuals, before God, I + roar, bray, yell, and fume as in a furious madness. I have performed too + hard a task to-day, an extraordinary work indeed. He shall be craftier, + and do far greater wonders than ever did Mr. Mush, who shall be able any + more this year to bring me on the stage of preparation for a dreaming + verdict. Fie! not to sup at all, that is the devil. Pox take that fashion! + Come, Friar John, let us go break our fast; for, if I hit on such a round + refection in the morning as will serve thoroughly to fill the mill-hopper + and hogs-hide of my stomach, and furnish it with meat and drink + sufficient, then at a pinch, as in the case of some extreme necessity + which presseth, I could make a shift that day to forbear dining. But not + to sup! A plague rot that base custom, which is an error offensive to + Nature! That lady made the day for exercise, to travel, work, wait on and + labour in each his negotiation and employment; and that we may with the + more fervency and ardour prosecute our business, she sets before us a + clear burning candle, to wit, the sun’s resplendency; and at night, + when she begins to take the light from us, she thereby tacitly implies no + less than if she would have spoken thus unto us: My lads and lasses, all + of you are good and honest folks, you have wrought well to-day, toiled and + turmoiled enough,—the night approacheth,—therefore cast off + these moiling cares of yours, desist from all your swinking painful + labours, and set your minds how to refresh your bodies in the renewing of + their vigour with good bread, choice wine, and store of wholesome meats; + then may you take some sport and recreation, and after that lie down and + rest yourselves, that you may strongly, nimbly, lustily, and with the more + alacrity to-morrow attend on your affairs as formerly. + </p> + <p> + Falconers, in like manner, when they have fed their hawks, will not suffer + them to fly on a full gorge, but let them on a perch abide a little, that + they may rouse, bait, tower, and soar the better. That good pope who was + the first institutor of fasting understood this well enough; for he + ordained that our fast should reach but to the hour of noon; all the + remainder of that day was at our disposure, freely to eat and feed at any + time thereof. In ancient times there were but few that dined, as you would + say, some church men, monks and canons; for they have little other + occupation. Each day is a festival unto them, who diligently heed the + claustral proverb, De missa ad mensam. They do not use to linger and defer + their sitting down and placing of themselves at table, only so long as + they have a mind in waiting for the coming of the abbot; so they fell to + without ceremony, terms, or conditions; and everybody supped, unless it + were some vain, conceited, dreaming dotard. Hence was a supper called + coena, which showeth that it is common to all sorts of people. Thou + knowest it well, Friar John. Come, let us go, my dear friend, in the name + of all the devils of the infernal regions, let us go. The gnawings of my + stomach in this rage of hunger are so tearing, that they make it bark like + a mastiff. Let us throw some bread and beef into his throat to pacify him, + as once the sibyl did to Cerberus. Thou likest best monastical brewis, the + prime, the flower of the pot. I am for the solid, principal verb that + comes after —the good brown loaf, always accompanied with a round + slice of the nine-lecture-powdered labourer. I know thy meaning, answered + Friar John; this metaphor is extracted out of the claustral kettle. The + labourer is the ox that hath wrought and done the labour; after the + fashion of nine lectures, that is to say, most exquisitely well and + thoroughly boiled. These holy religious fathers, by a certain cabalistic + institution of the ancients, not written, but carefully by tradition + conveyed from hand to hand, rising betimes to go to morning prayers, were + wont to flourish that their matutinal devotion with some certain notable + preambles before their entry into the church, viz., they dunged in the + dungeries, pissed in the pisseries, spit in the spitteries, melodiously + coughed in the cougheries, and doted in their dotaries, that to the divine + service they might not bring anything that was unclean or foul. These + things thus done, they very zealously made their repair to the Holy + Chapel, for so was in their canting language termed the convent kitchen, + where they with no small earnestness had care that the beef-pot should be + put on the crook for the breakfast of the religious brothers of our Lord + and Saviour; and the fire they would kindle under the pot themselves. Now, + the matins consisting of nine lessons, (it) it was so incumbent on them, + that must have risen the rather for the more expedite despatching of them + all. The sooner that they rose, the sharper was their appetite and the + barkings of their stomachs, and the gnawings increased in the like + proportion, and consequently made these godly men thrice more a-hungered + and athirst than when their matins were hemmed over only with three + lessons. The more betimes they rose, by the said cabal, the sooner was the + beef-pot put on; the longer that the beef was on the fire, the better it + was boiled; the more it boiled, it was the tenderer; the tenderer that it + was, the less it troubled the teeth, delighted more the palate, less + charged the stomach, and nourished our good religious men the more + substantially; which is the only end and prime intention of the first + founders, as appears by this, that they eat not to live, but live to eat, + and in this world have nothing but their life. Let us go, Panurge. + </p> + <p> + Now have I understood thee, quoth Panurge, my plushcod friar, my caballine + and claustral ballock. I freely quit the costs, interest, and charges, + seeing you have so egregiously commented upon the most especial chapter of + the culinary and monastic cabal. Come along, my Carpalin, and you, Friar + John, my leather-dresser. Good morrow to you all, my good lords; I have + dreamed too much to have so little. Let us go. Panurge had no sooner done + speaking than Epistemon with a loud voice said these words: It is a very + ordinary and common thing amongst men to conceive, foresee, know, and + presage the misfortune, bad luck, or disaster of another; but to have the + understanding, providence, knowledge, and prediction of a man’s own + mishap is very scarce and rare to be found anywhere. This is exceeding + judiciously and prudently deciphered by Aesop in his Apologues, who there + affirmeth that every man in the world carrieth about his neck a wallet, in + the fore-bag whereof were contained the faults and mischances of others + always exposed to his view and knowledge; and in the other scrip thereof, + which hangs behind, are kept the bearer’s proper transgressions and + inauspicious adventures, at no time seen by him, nor thought upon, unless + he be a person that hath a favourable aspect from the heavens. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0016" id="link32HCH0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XVI.—How Pantagruel adviseth Panurge to consult with the + Sibyl of Panzoust. + </h2> + <p> + A little while thereafter Pantagruel sent for Panurge and said unto him, + The affection which I bear you being now inveterate and settled in my mind + by a long continuance of time, prompteth me to the serious consideration + of your welfare and profit; in order whereto, remark what I have thought + thereon. It hath been told me that at Panzoust, near Crouly, dwelleth a + very famous sibyl, who is endowed with the skill of foretelling all things + to come. Take Epistemon in your company, repair towards her, and hear what + she will say unto you. She is possibly, quoth Epistemon, some Canidia, + Sagana, or Pythonissa, either whereof with us is vulgarly called a witch, + —I being the more easily induced to give credit to the truth of this + character of her, that the place of her abode is vilely stained with the + abominable repute of abounding more with sorcerers and witches than ever + did the plains of Thessaly. I should not, to my thinking, go thither + willingly, for that it seems to me a thing unwarrantable, and altogether + forbidden in the law of Moses. We are not Jews, quoth Pantagruel, nor is + it a matter judiciously confessed by her, nor authentically proved by + others that she is a witch. Let us for the present suspend our judgment, + and defer till after your return from thence the sifting and garbling of + those niceties. Do we know but that she may be an eleventh sibyl or a + second Cassandra? But although she were neither, and she did not merit the + name or title of any of these renowned prophetesses, what hazard, in the + name of God, do you run by offering to talk and confer with her of the + instant perplexity and perturbation of your thoughts? Seeing especially, + and which is most of all, she is, in the estimation of those that are + acquainted with her, held to know more, and to be of a deeper reach of + understanding, than is either customary to the country wherein she liveth + or to the sex whereof she is. What hindrance, hurt, or harm doth the + laudable desire of knowledge bring to any man, were it from a sot, a pot, + a fool, a stool, a winter mitten, a truckle for a pulley, the lid of a + goldsmith’s crucible, an oil-bottle, or old slipper? You may + remember to have read, or heard at least, that Alexander the Great, + immediately after his having obtained a glorious victory over the King + Darius in Arbela, refused, in the presence of the splendid and illustrious + courtiers that were about him, to give audience to a poor certain + despicable-like fellow, who through the solicitations and mediation of + some of his royal attendants was admitted humbly to beg that grace and + favour of him. But sore did he repent, although in vain, a thousand and + ten thousand times thereafter, the surly state which he then took upon him + to the denial of so just a suit, the grant whereof would have been worth + unto him the value of a brace of potent cities. He was indeed victorious + in Persia, but withal so far distant from Macedonia, his hereditary + kingdom, that the joy of the one did not expel the extreme grief which + through occasion of the other he had inwardly conceived; for, not being + able with all his power to find or invent a convenient mean and expedient + how to get or come by the certainty of any news from thence, both by + reason of the huge remoteness of the places from one to another, as also + because of the impeditive interposition of many great rivers, the + interjacent obstacle of divers wild deserts, and obstructive interjection + of sundry almost inaccessible mountains,—whilst he was in this sad + quandary and solicitous pensiveness, which, you may suppose, could not be + of a small vexation to him, considering that it was a matter of no great + difficulty to run over his whole native soil, possess his country, seize + on his kingdom, install a new king in the throne, and plant thereon + foreign colonies, long before he could come to have any advertisement of + it: for obviating the jeopardy of so dreadful inconveniency, and putting a + fit remedy thereto, a certain Sidonian merchant of a low stature but high + fancy, very poor in show, and to the outward appearance of little or no + account, having presented himself before him, went about to affirm and + declare that he had excogitated and hit upon a ready mean and way by the + which those of his territories at home should come to the certain notice + of his Indian victories, and himself be perfectly informed of the state + and condition of Egypt and Macedonia within less than five days. Whereupon + the said Alexander, plunged into a sullen animadvertency of mind, through + his rash opinion of the improbability of performing a so strange and + impossible-like undertaking, dismissed the merchant without giving ear to + what he had to say, and vilified him. What could it have cost him to + hearken unto what the honest man had invented and contrived for his good? + What detriment, annoyance, damage, or loss could he have undergone to + listen to the discovery of that secret which the good fellow would have + most willingly revealed unto him? Nature, I am persuaded, did not without + a cause frame our ears open, putting thereto no gate at all, nor shutting + them up with any manner of enclosures, as she hath done unto the tongue, + the eyes, and other such out-jetting parts of the body. The cause, as I + imagine, is to the end that every day and every night, and that + continually, we may be ready to hear, and by a perpetual hearing apt to + learn. For, of all the senses, it is the fittest for the reception of the + knowledge of arts, sciences, and disciplines; and it may be that man was + an angel, that is to say, a messenger sent from God, as Raphael was to + Tobit. Too suddenly did he contemn, despise, and misregard him; but too + long thereafter, by an untimely and too late repentance, did he do penance + for it. You say very well, answered Epistemon, yet shall you never for all + that induce me to believe that it can tend any way to the advantage or + commodity of a man to take advice and counsel of a woman, namely, of such + a woman, and the woman of such a country. Truly I have found, quoth + Panurge, a great deal of good in the counsel of women, chiefly in that of + the old wives amongst them; for every time I consult with them I readily + get a stool or two extraordinary, to the great solace of my bumgut + passage. They are as sleuthhounds in the infallibility of their scent, and + in their sayings no less sententious than the rubrics of the law. + Therefore in my conceit it is not an improper kind of speech to call them + sage or wise women. In confirmation of which opinion of mine, the + customary style of my language alloweth them the denomination of presage + women. The epithet of sage is due unto them because they are surpassing + dexterous in the knowledge of most things. And I give them the title of + presage, for that they divinely foresee and certainly foretell future + contingencies and events of things to come. Sometimes I call them not + maunettes, but monettes, from their wholesome monitions. Whether it be so, + ask Pythagoras, Socrates, Empedocles, and our master Ortuinus. I + furthermore praise and commend above the skies the ancient memorable + institution of the pristine Germans, who ordained the responses and + documents of old women to be highly extolled, most cordially reverenced, + and prized at a rate in nothing inferior to the weight, test, and standard + of the sanctuary. And as they were respectfully prudent in receiving of + these sound advices, so by honouring and following them did they prove no + less fortunate in the happy success of all their endeavours. Witness the + old wife Aurinia, and the good mother Velled, in the days of Vespasian. + You need not any way doubt but that feminine old age is always fructifying + in qualities sublime—I would have said sibylline. Let us go, by the + help, let us go, by the virtue of God, let us go. Farewell, Friar John, I + recommend the care of my codpiece to you. Well, quoth Epistemon, I will + follow you, with this protestation nevertheless, that if I happen to get a + sure information, or otherwise find that she doth use any kind of charm or + enchantment in her responses, it may not be imputed to me for a blame to + leave you at the gate of her house, without accompanying you any further + in. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0017" id="link32HCH0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XVII.—How Panurge spoke to the Sibyl of Panzoust. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link3image-0006" id="link3image-0006"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/3-17-225.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Found the Old Woman Sitting Alone--3-17-225" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + Their voyage was three days journeying. On the third whereof was shown + unto them the house of the vaticinatress standing on the knap or top of a + hill, under a large and spacious walnut-tree. Without great difficulty + they entered into that straw-thatched cottage, scurvily built, naughtily + movabled, and all besmoked. It matters not, quoth Epistemon; Heraclitus, + the grand Scotist and tenebrous darksome philosopher, was nothing + astonished at his introit into such a coarse and paltry habitation; for he + did usually show forth unto his sectators and disciples that the gods made + as cheerfully their residence in these mean homely mansions as in + sumptuous magnific palaces, replenished with all manner of delight, pomp, + and pleasure. I withal do really believe that the dwelling-place of the so + famous and renowned Hecate was just such another petty cell as this is, + when she made a feast therein to the valiant Theseus; and that of no other + better structure was the cot or cabin of Hyreus, or Oenopion, wherein + Jupiter, Neptune, and Mercury were not ashamed, all three together, to + harbour and sojourn a whole night, and there to take a full and hearty + repast; for the payment of the shot they thankfully pissed Orion. They + finding the ancient woman at a corner of her own chimney, Epistemon said, + She is indeed a true sibyl, and the lively portrait of one represented by + the Grei kaminoi of Homer. The old hag was in a pitiful bad plight and + condition in matter of the outward state and complexion of her body, the + ragged and tattered equipage of her person in the point of accoutrement, + and beggarly poor provision of fare for her diet and entertainment; for + she was ill apparelled, worse nourished, toothless, blear-eyed, + crook-shouldered, snotty, her nose still dropping, and herself still + drooping, faint, and pithless; whilst in this woefully wretched case she + was making ready for her dinner porridge of wrinkled green coleworts, with + a bit skin of yellow bacon, mixed with a twice-before-cooked sort of + waterish, unsavoury broth, extracted out of bare and hollow bones. + Epistemon said, By the cross of a groat, we are to blame, nor shall we get + from her any response at all, for we have not brought along with us the + branch of gold. I have, quoth Panurge, provided pretty well for that, for + here I have it within my bag, in the substance of a gold ring, accompanied + with some fair pieces of small money. No sooner were these words spoken, + when Panurge coming up towards her, after the ceremonial performance of a + profound and humble salutation, presented her with six neat’s + tongues dried in the smoke, a great butter-pot full of fresh cheese, a + borachio furnished with good beverage, and a ram’s cod stored with + single pence, newly coined. At last he, with a low courtesy, put on her + medical finger a pretty handsome golden ring, whereinto was right + artificially enchased a precious toadstone of Beausse. This done, in few + words and very succinctly, did he set open and expose unto her the motive + reason of his coming, most civilly and courteously entreating her that she + might be pleased to vouchsafe to give him an ample and plenary + intelligence concerning the future good luck of his intended marriage. + </p> + <p> + The old trot for a while remained silent, pensive, and grinning like a + dog; then, after she had set her withered breech upon the bottom of a + bushel, she took into her hands three old spindles, which when she had + turned and whirled betwixt her fingers very diversely and after several + fashions, she pried more narrowly into, by the trial of their points, the + sharpest whereof she retained in her hand, and threw the other two under a + stone trough. After this she took a pair of yarn windles, which she nine + times unintermittedly veered and frisked about; then at the ninth + revolution or turn, without touching them any more, maturely perpending + the manner of their motion, she very demurely waited on their repose and + cessation from any further stirring. In sequel whereof she pulled off one + of her wooden pattens, put her apron over her head, as a priest uses to do + his amice when he is going to sing mass, and with a kind of antique, + gaudy, party-coloured string knit it under her neck. Being thus covered + and muffled, she whiffed off a lusty good draught out of the borachio, + took three several pence forth of the ramcod fob, put them into so many + walnut-shells, which she set down upon the bottom of a feather-pot, and + then, after she had given them three whisks of a broom besom athwart the + chimney, casting into the fire half a bavin of long heather, together with + a branch of dry laurel, she observed with a very hush and coy silence in + what form they did burn, and saw that, although they were in a flame, they + made no kind of noise or crackling din. Hereupon she gave a most hideous + and horribly dreadful shout, muttering betwixt her teeth some few + barbarous words of a strange termination. + </p> + <p> + This so terrified Panurge that he forthwith said to Epistemon, The devil + mince me into a gallimaufry if I do not tremble for fear! I do not think + but that I am now enchanted; for she uttereth not her voice in the terms + of any Christian language. O look, I pray you, how she seemeth unto me to + be by three full spans higher than she was when she began to hood herself + with her apron. What meaneth this restless wagging of her slouchy chaps? + What can be the signification of the uneven shrugging of her hulchy + shoulders? To what end doth she quaver with her lips, like a monkey in the + dismembering of a lobster? My ears through horror glow; ah! how they + tingle! I think I hear the shrieking of Proserpina; the devils are + breaking loose to be all here. O the foul, ugly, and deformed beasts! Let + us run away! By the hook of God, I am like to die for fear! I do not love + the devils; they vex me, and are unpleasant fellows. Now let us fly, and + betake us to our heels. Farewell, gammer; thanks and gramercy for your + goods! I will not marry; no, believe me, I will not. I fairly quit my + interest therein, and totally abandon and renounce it from this time + forward, even as much as at present. With this, as he endeavoured to make + an escape out of the room, the old crone did anticipate his flight and + make him stop. The way how she prevented him was this: whilst in her hand + she held the spindle, she flung out to a back-yard close by her lodge, + where, after she had peeled off the barks of an old sycamore three several + times, she very summarily, upon eight leaves which dropped from thence, + wrote with the spindle-point some curt and briefly-couched verses, which + she threw into the air, then said unto them, Search after them if you + will; find them if you can; the fatal destinies of your marriage are + written in them. + </p> + <p> + No sooner had she done thus speaking than she did withdraw herself unto + her lurking-hole, where on the upper seat of the porch she tucked up her + gown, her coats, and smock, as high as her armpits, and gave them a full + inspection of the nockandroe; which being perceived by Panurge, he said to + Epistemon, God’s bodikins, I see the sibyl’s hole! She + suddenly then bolted the gate behind her, and was never since seen any + more. They jointly ran in haste after the fallen and dispersed leaves, and + gathered them at last, though not without great labour and toil, for the + wind had scattered them amongst the thorn-bushes of the valley. When they + had ranged them each after other in their due places, they found out their + sentence, as it is metrified in this octastich: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Thy fame upheld +(Properly, as corrected by Ozell: +Thy fame will be shell’d +By her, I trow.), +Even so, so: +And she with child +Of thee: No. +Thy good end +Suck she shall, +And flay thee, friend, +But not all. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0018" id="link32HCH0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XVIII.—How Pantagruel and Panurge did diversely expound + the verses of the Sibyl of Panzoust. + </h2> + <p> + The leaves being thus collected and orderly disposed, Epistemon and + Panurge returned to Pantagruel’s court, partly well pleased and + other part discontented; glad for their being come back, and vexed for the + trouble they had sustained by the way, which they found to be craggy, + rugged, stony, rough, and ill-adjusted. They made an ample and full + relation of their voyage unto Pantagruel, as likewise of the estate and + condition of the sibyl. Then, having presented to him the leaves of the + sycamore, they show him the short and twattle verses that were written in + them. Pantagruel, having read and considered the whole sum and substance + of the matter, fetched from his heart a deep and heavy sigh; then said to + Panurge, You are now, forsooth, in a good taking, and have brought your + hogs to a fine market. The prophecy of the sibyl doth explain and lay out + before us the same very predictions which have been denoted, foretold, and + presaged to us by the decree of the Virgilian lots and the verdict of your + own proper dreams, to wit, that you shall be very much disgraced, shamed, + and discredited by your wife; for that she will make you a cuckold in + prostituting herself to others, being big with child by another than you, + —will steal from you a great deal of your goods, and will beat you, + scratch and bruise you, even to plucking the skin in a part from off you,—will + leave the print of her blows in some member of your body. You understand + as much, answered Panurge, in the veritable interpretation and expounding + of recent prophecies as a sow in the matter of spicery. Be not offended, + sir, I beseech you, that I speak thus boldly; for I find myself a little + in choler, and that not without cause, seeing it is the contrary that is + true. Take heed, and give attentive ear unto my words. The old wife said + that, as the bean is not seen till first it be unhusked, and that its swad + or hull be shelled and peeled from off it, so is it that my virtue and + transcendent worth will never come by the mouth of fame to be blazed + abroad proportionable to the height, extent, and measure of the excellency + thereof, until preallably I get a wife and make the full half of a married + couple. How many times have I heard you say that the function of a + magistrate, or office of dignity, discovereth the merits, parts, and + endowments of the person so advanced and promoted, and what is in him. + That is to say, we are then best able to judge aright of the deservings of + a man when he is called to the management of affairs; for when before he + lived in a private condition, we could have no more certain knowledge of + him than of a bean within his husk. And thus stands the first article + explained; otherwise, could you imagine that the good fame, repute, and + estimation of an honest man should depend upon the tail of a whore? + </p> + <p> + Now to the meaning of the second article! My wife will be with child, + —here lies the prime felicity of marriage,—but not of me. + Copsody, that I do believe indeed! It will be of a pretty little infant. O + how heartily I shall love it! I do already dote upon it; for it will be my + dainty feedle- darling, my genteel dilly-minion. From thenceforth no + vexation, care, or grief shall take such deep impression in my heart, how + hugely great or vehement soever it otherwise appear, but that it shall + evanish forthwith at the sight of that my future babe, and at the hearing + of the chat and prating of its childish gibberish. And blessed be the old + wife. By my truly, I have a mind to settle some good revenue or pension + upon her out of the readiest increase of the lands of my Salmigondinois; + not an inconstant and uncertain rent-seek, like that of witless, + giddy-headed bachelors, but sure and fixed, of the nature of the well-paid + incomes of regenting doctors. If this interpretation doth not please you, + think you my wife will bear me in her flanks, conceive with me, and be of + me delivered, as women use in childbed to bring forth their young ones; so + as that it may be said, Panurge is a second Bacchus, he hath been twice + born; he is re-born, as was Hippolytus,—as was Proteus, one time of + Thetis, and secondly, of the mother of the philosopher Apollonius,—as + were the two Palici, near the flood Simaethos in Sicily. His wife was big + of child with him. In him is renewed and begun again the palintocy of the + Megarians and the palingenesy of Democritus. Fie upon such errors! To hear + stuff of that nature rends mine ears. + </p> + <p> + The words of the third article are: She will suck me at my best end. Why + not? That pleaseth me right well. You know the thing; I need not tell you + that it is my intercrural pudding with one end. I swear and promise that, + in what I can, I will preserve it sappy, full of juice, and as well + victualled for her use as may be. She shall not suck me, I believe, in + vain, nor be destitute of her allowance; there shall her justum both in + peck and lippy be furnished to the full eternally. You expound this + passage allegorically, and interpret it to theft and larceny. I love the + exposition, and the allegory pleaseth me; but not according to the sense + whereto you stretch it. It may be that the sincerity of the affection + which you bear me moveth you to harbour in your breast those refractory + thoughts concerning me, with a suspicion of my adversity to come. We have + this saying from the learned, That a marvellously fearful thing is love, + and that true love is never without fear. But, sir, according to my + judgment, you do understand both of and by yourself that here stealth + signifieth nothing else, no more than in a thousand other places of Greek + and Latin, old and modern writings, but the sweet fruits of amorous + dalliance, which Venus liketh best when reaped in secret, and culled by + fervent lovers filchingly. Why so, I prithee tell? Because, when the feat + of the loose-coat skirmish happeneth to be done underhand and privily, + between two well-disposed, athwart the steps of a pair of stairs + lurkingly, and in covert behind a suit of hangings, or close hid and + trussed upon an unbound faggot, it is more pleasing to the Cyprian + goddess, and to me also —I speak this without prejudice to any + better or more sound opinion—than to perform that culbusting art + after the Cynic manner, in the view of the clear sunshine, or in a rich + tent, under a precious stately canopy, within a glorious and sublime + pavilion, or yet on a soft couch betwixt rich curtains of cloth of gold, + without affrightment, at long intermediate respites, enjoying of pleasures + and delights a bellyfull, at all great ease, with a huge fly-flap fan of + crimson satin and a bunch of feathers of some East-Indian ostrich serving + to give chase unto the flies all round about; whilst, in the interim, the + female picks her teeth with a stiff straw picked even then from out of the + bottom of the bed she lies on. If you be not content with this my + exposition, are you of the mind that my wife will suck and sup me up as + people use to gulp and swallow oysters out of the shell? or as the + Cilician women, according to the testimony of Dioscorides, were wont to do + the grain of alkermes? Assuredly that is an error. Who seizeth on it, doth + neither gulch up nor swill down, but takes away what hath been packed up, + catcheth, snatcheth, and plies the play of hey-pass, repass. + </p> + <p> + The fourth article doth imply that my wife will flay me, but not all. O + the fine word! You interpret this to beating strokes and blows. Speak + wisely. Will you eat a pudding? Sir, I beseech you to raise up your + spirits above the low-sized pitch of earthly thoughts unto that height of + sublime contemplation which reacheth to the apprehension of the mysteries + and wonders of Dame Nature. And here be pleased to condemn yourself, by a + renouncing of those errors which you have committed very grossly and + somewhat perversely in expounding the prophetic sayings of the holy sibyl. + Yet put the case (albeit I yield not to it) that, by the instigation of + the devil, my wife should go about to wrong me, make me a cuckold + downwards to the very breech, disgrace me otherwise, steal my goods from + me, yea, and lay violently her hands upon me;—she nevertheless + should fail of her attempts and not attain to the proposed end of her + unreasonable undertakings. The reason which induceth me hereto is grounded + totally on this last point, which is extracted from the profoundest + privacies of a monastic pantheology, as good Friar Arthur Wagtail told me + once upon a Monday morning, as we were (if I have not forgot) eating a + bushel of trotter-pies; and I remember well it rained hard. God give him + the good morrow! The women at the beginning of the world, or a little + after, conspired to flay the men quick, because they found the spirit of + mankind inclined to domineer it, and bear rule over them upon the face of + the whole earth; and, in pursuit of this their resolution, promised, + confirmed, swore, and covenanted amongst them all, by the pure faith they + owe to the nocturnal Sanct Rogero. But O the vain enterprises of women! O + the great fragility of that sex feminine! They did begin to flay the man, + or peel him (as says Catullus), at that member which of all the body they + loved best, to wit, the nervous and cavernous cane, and that above five + thousand years ago; yet have they not of that small part alone flayed any + more till this hour but the head. In mere despite whereof the Jews snip + off that parcel of the skin in circumcision, choosing far rather to be + called clipyards, rascals, than to be flayed by women, as are other + nations. My wife, according to this female covenant, will flay it to me, + if it be not so already. I heartily grant my consent thereto, but will not + give her leave to flay it all. Nay, truly will I not, my noble king. + </p> + <p> + Yea but, quoth Epistemon, you say nothing of her most dreadful cries and + exclamations when she and we both saw the laurel-bough burn without + yielding any noise or crackling. You know it is a very dismal omen, an + inauspicious sign, unlucky indice, and token formidable, bad, disastrous, + and most unhappy, as is certified by Propertius, Tibullus, the quick + philosopher Porphyrius, Eustathius on the Iliads of Homer, and by many + others. Verily, verily, quoth Panurge, brave are the allegations which you + bring me, and testimonies of two-footed calves. These men were fools, as + they were poets; and dotards, as they were philosophers; full of folly, as + they were of philosophy. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0019" id="link32HCH0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XIX.—How Pantagruel praiseth the counsel of dumb men. + </h2> + <p> + Pantagruel, when this discourse was ended, held for a pretty while his + peace, seeming to be exceeding sad and pensive, then said to Panurge, The + malignant spirit misleads, beguileth, and seduceth you. I have read that + in times past the surest and most veritable oracles were not those which + either were delivered in writing or uttered by word of mouth in speaking. + For many times, in their interpretation, right witty, learned, and + ingenious men have been deceived through amphibologies, equivoques, and + obscurity of words, no less than by the brevity of their sentences. For + which cause Apollo, the god of vaticination, was surnamed Loxias. Those + which were represented then by signs and outward gestures were accounted + the truest and the most infallible. Such was the opinion of Heraclitus. + And Jupiter did himself in this manner give forth in Ammon frequently + predictions. Nor was he single in this practice; for Apollo did the like + amongst the Assyrians. His prophesying thus unto those people moved them + to paint him with a large long beard, and clothes beseeming an old settled + person of a most posed, staid, and grave behaviour; not naked, young, and + beardless, as he was portrayed most usually amongst the Grecians. Let us + make trial of this kind of fatidicency; and go you take advice of some + dumb person without any speaking. I am content, quoth Panurge. But, says + Pantagruel, it were requisite that the dumb you consult with be such as + have been deaf from the hour of their nativity, and consequently dumb; for + none can be so lively, natural, and kindly dumb as he who never heard. + </p> + <p> + How is it, quoth Panurge, that you conceive this matter? If you apprehend + it so, that never any spoke who had not before heard the speech of others, + I will from that antecedent bring you to infer very logically a most + absurd and paradoxical conclusion. But let it pass; I will not insist on + it. You do not then believe what Herodotus wrote of two children, who, at + the special command and appointment of Psammeticus, King of Egypt, having + been kept in a petty country cottage, where they were nourished and + entertained in a perpetual silence, did at last, after a certain long + space of time, pronounce this word Bec, which in the Phrygian language + signifieth bread. Nothing less, quoth Pantagruel, do I believe than that + it is a mere abusing of our understandings to give credit to the words of + those who say that there is any such thing as a natural language. All + speeches have had their primary origin from the arbitrary institutions, + accords, and agreements of nations in their respective condescendments to + what should be noted and betokened by them. An articulate voice, according + to the dialecticians, hath naturally no signification at all; for that the + sense and meaning thereof did totally depend upon the good will and + pleasure of the first deviser and imposer of it. I do not tell you this + without a cause; for Bartholus, Lib. 5. de Verb. Oblig., very seriously + reporteth that even in his time there was in Eugubia one named Sir Nello + de Gabrielis, who, although he by a sad mischance became altogether deaf, + understood nevertheless everyone that talked in the Italian dialect + howsoever he expressed himself; and that only by looking on his external + gestures, and casting an attentive eye upon the divers motions of his lips + and chaps. I have read, I remember also, in a very literate and eloquent + author, that Tyridates, King of Armenia, in the days of Nero, made a + voyage to Rome, where he was received with great honour and solemnity, and + with all manner of pomp and magnificence. Yea, to the end there might be a + sempiternal amity and correspondence preserved betwixt him and the Roman + senate, there was no remarkable thing in the whole city which was not + shown unto him. At his departure the emperor bestowed upon him many ample + donatives of an inestimable value; and besides, the more entirely to + testify his affection towards him, heartily entreated him to be pleased to + make choice of any whatsoever thing in Rome was most agreeable to his + fancy, with a promise juramentally confirmed that he should not be refused + of his demand. Thereupon, after a suitable return of thanks for a so + gracious offer, he required a certain Jack-pudding whom he had seen to act + his part most egregiously upon the stage, and whose meaning, albeit he + knew not what it was he had spoken, he understood perfectly enough by the + signs and gesticulations which he had made. And for this suit of his, in + that he asked nothing else, he gave this reason, that in the several wide + and spacious dominions which were reduced under the sway and authority of + his sovereign government, there were sundry countries and nations much + differing from one another in language, with whom, whether he was to speak + unto them or give any answer to their requests, he was always necessitated + to make use of divers sorts of truchman and interpreters. Now with this + man alone, sufficient for supplying all their places, will that great + inconveniency hereafter be totally removed; seeing he is such a fine + gesticulator, and in the practice of chirology an artist so complete, + expert, and dexterous, that with his very fingers he doth speak. + Howsoever, you are to pitch upon such a dumb one as is deaf by nature and + from his birth; to the end that his gestures and signs may be the more + vively and truly prophetic, and not counterfeit by the intermixture of + some adulterate lustre and affectation. Yet whether this dumb person shall + be of the male or female sex is in your option, lieth at your discretion, + and altogether dependeth on your own election. + </p> + <p> + I would more willingly, quoth Panurge, consult with and be advised by a + dumb woman, were it not that I am afraid of two things. The first is, that + the greater part of women, whatever be that they see, do always represent + unto their fancies, think, and imagine, that it hath some relation to the + sugared entering of the goodly ithyphallos, and graffing in the cleft of + the overturned tree the quickset imp of the pin of copulation. Whatever + signs, shows, or gestures we shall make, or whatever our behaviour, + carriage, or demeanour shall happen to be in their view and presence, they + will interpret the whole in reference to the act of androgynation and the + culbutizing exercise, by which means we shall be abusively disappointed of + our designs, in regard that she will take all our signs for nothing else + but tokens and representations of our desire to entice her unto the lists + of a Cyprian combat or catsenconny skirmish. Do you remember what happened + at Rome two hundred and threescore years after the foundation thereof? A + young Roman gentleman encountering by chance, at the foot of Mount Celion, + with a beautiful Latin lady named Verona, who from her very cradle upwards + had always been both deaf and dumb, very civilly asked her, not without a + chironomatic Italianizing of his demand, with various jectigation of his + fingers and other gesticulations as yet customary amongst the speakers of + that country, what senators in her descent from the top of the hill she + had met with going up thither. For you are to conceive that he, knowing no + more of her deafness than dumbness, was ignorant of both. She in the + meantime, who neither heard nor understood so much as one word of what he + had said, straight imagined, by all that she could apprehend in the lovely + gesture of his manual signs, that what he then required of her was what + herself had a great mind to, even that which a young man doth naturally + desire of a woman. Then was it that by signs, which in all occurrences of + venereal love are incomparably more attractive, valid, and efficacious + than words, she beckoned to him to come along with her to her house; which + when he had done, she drew him aside to a privy room, and then made a most + lively alluring sign unto him to show that the game did please her. + Whereupon, without any more advertisement, or so much as the uttering of + one word on either side, they fell to and bringuardized it lustily. + </p> + <p> + The other cause of my being averse from consulting with dumb women is, + that to our signs they would make no answer at all, but suddenly fall + backwards in a divarication posture, to intimate thereby unto us the + reality of their consent to the supposed motion of our tacit demands. Or + if they should chance to make any countersigns responsory to our + propositions, they would prove so foolish, impertinent, and ridiculous, + that by them ourselves should easily judge their thoughts to have no + excursion beyond the duffling academy. You know very well how at + Brignoles, when the religious nun, Sister Fatbum, was made big with child + by the young Stiffly-stand-to’t, her pregnancy came to be known, and + she cited by the abbess, and, in a full convention of the convent, accused + of incest. Her excuse was that she did not consent thereto, but that it + was done by the violence and impetuous force of the Friar Stiffly-stand-to’t. + Hereto the abbess very austerely replying, Thou naughty wicked girl, why + didst thou not cry, A rape, a rape! then should all of us have run to thy + succour. Her answer was that the rape was committed in the dortour, where + she durst not cry because it was a place of sempiternal silence. But, + quoth the abbess, thou roguish wench, why didst not thou then make some + sign to those that were in the next chamber beside thee? To this she + answered that with her buttocks she made a sign unto them as vigorously as + she could, yet never one of them did so much as offer to come to her help + and assistance. But, quoth the abbess, thou scurvy baggage, why didst thou + not tell it me immediately after the perpetration of the fact, that so we + might orderly, regularly, and canonically have accused him? I would have + done so, had the case been mine, for the clearer manifestation of mine + innocency. I truly, madam, would have done the like with all my heart and + soul, quoth Sister Fatbum, but that fearing I should remain in sin, and in + the hazard of eternal damnation, if prevented by a sudden death, I did + confess myself to the father friar before he went out of the room, who, + for my penance, enjoined me not to tell it, or reveal the matter unto any. + It were a most enormous and horrid offence, detestable before God and the + angels, to reveal a confession. Such an abominable wickedness would have + possibly brought down fire from heaven, wherewith to have burnt the whole + nunnery, and sent us all headlong to the bottomless pit, to bear company + with Korah, Dathan, and Abiram. + </p> + <p> + You will not, quoth Pantagruel, with all your jesting, make me laugh. I + know that all the monks, friars, and nuns had rather violate and infringe + the highest of the commandments of God than break the least of their + provincial statutes. Take you therefore Goatsnose, a man very fit for your + present purpose; for he is, and hath been, both dumb and deaf from the + very remotest infancy of his childhood. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0020" id="link32HCH0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XX.—How Goatsnose by signs maketh answer to Panurge. + </h2> + <p> + Goatsnose being sent for, came the day thereafter to Pantagruel’s + court; at his arrival to which Panurge gave him a fat calf, the half of a + hog, two puncheons of wine, one load of corn, and thirty francs of small + money; then, having brought him before Pantagruel, in presence of the + gentlemen of the bed-chamber he made this sign unto him. He yawned a long + time, and in yawning made without his mouth with the thumb of his right + hand the figure of the Greek letter Tau by frequent reiterations. + Afterwards he lifted up his eyes to heavenwards, then turned them in his + head like a she-goat in the painful fit of an absolute birth, in doing + whereof he did cough and sigh exceeding heavily. This done, after that he + had made demonstration of the want of his codpiece, he from under his + shirt took his placket-racket in a full grip, making it therewithal clack + very melodiously betwixt his thighs; then, no sooner had he with his body + stooped a little forwards, and bowed his left knee, but that immediately + thereupon holding both his arms on his breast, in a loose faint-like + posture, the one over the other, he paused awhile. Goatsnose looked wistly + upon him, and having heedfully enough viewed him all over, he lifted up + into the air his left hand, the whole fingers whereof he retained fistwise + close together, except the thumb and the forefinger, whose nails he softly + joined and coupled to one another. I understand, quoth Pantagruel, what he + meaneth by that sign. It denotes marriage, and withal the number thirty, + according to the profession of the Pythagoreans. You will be married. + Thanks to you, quoth Panurge, in turning himself towards Goatsnose, my + little sewer, pretty master’s mate, dainty bailie, curious + sergeant-marshal, and jolly catchpole-leader. Then did he lift higher up + than before his said left hand, stretching out all the five fingers + thereof, and severing them as wide from one another as he possibly could + get done. Here, says Pantagruel, doth he more amply and fully insinuate + unto us, by the token which he showeth forth of the quinary number, that + you shall be married. Yea, that you shall not only be affianced, + betrothed, wedded, and married, but that you shall furthermore cohabit and + live jollily and merrily with your wife; for Pythagoras called five the + nuptial number, which, together with marriage, signifieth the consummation + of matrimony, because it is composed of a ternary, the first of the odd, + and binary, the first of the even numbers, as of a male and female knit + and united together. In very deed it was the fashion of old in the city of + Rome at marriage festivals to light five wax tapers; nor was it permitted + to kindle any more at the magnific nuptials of the most potent and + wealthy, nor yet any fewer at the penurious weddings of the poorest and + most abject of the world. Moreover, in times past, the heathen or paynims + implored the assistance of five deities, or of one helpful, at least, in + five several good offices to those that were to be married. Of this sort + were the nuptial Jove, Juno, president of the feast, the fair Venus, + Pitho, the goddess of eloquence and persuasion, and Diana, whose aid and + succour was required to the labour of child-bearing. Then shouted Panurge, + O the gentle Goatsnose, I will give him a farm near Cinais, and a windmill + hard by Mirebalais! Hereupon the dumb fellow sneezeth with an impetuous + vehemency and huge concussion of the spirits of the whole body, + withdrawing himself in so doing with a jerking turn towards the left hand. + By the body of a fox new slain, quoth Pantagruel, what is that? This + maketh nothing for your advantage; for he betokeneth thereby that your + marriage will be inauspicious and unfortunate. This sneezing, according to + the doctrine of Terpsion, is the Socratic demon. If done towards the right + side, it imports and portendeth that boldly and with all assurance one may + go whither he will and do what he listeth, according to what deliberation + he shall be pleased to have thereupon taken; his entries in the beginning, + progress in his proceedings, and success in the events and issues will be + all lucky, good, and happy. The quite contrary thereto is thereby implied + and presaged if it be done towards the left. You, quoth Panurge, do take + always the matter at the worst, and continually, like another Davus, + casteth in new disturbances and obstructions; nor ever yet did I know this + old paltry Terpsion worthy of citation but in points only of cosenage and + imposture. Nevertheless, quoth Pantagruel, Cicero hath written I know not + what to the same purpose in his Second Book of Divination. + </p> + <p> + Panurge then, turning himself towards Goatsnose, made this sign unto him. + He inverted his eyelids upwards, wrenched his jaws from the right to the + left side, and drew forth his tongue half out of his mouth. This done, he + posited his left hand wholly open, the mid-finger wholly excepted, which + was perpendicularly placed upon the palm thereof, and set it just in the + room where his codpiece had been. Then did he keep his right hand + altogether shut up in a fist, save only the thumb, which he straight + turned backwards directly under the right armpit, and settled it + afterwards on that most eminent part of the buttocks which the Arabs call + the Al-Katim. Suddenly thereafter he made this interchange: he held his + right hand after the manner of the left, and posited it on the place + wherein his codpiece sometime was, and retaining his left hand in the form + and fashion of the right, he placed it upon his Al-Katim. This altering of + hands did he reiterate nine several times; at the last whereof he reseated + his eyelids into their own first natural position. Then doing the like + also with his jaws and tongue, he did cast a squinting look upon + Goatsnose, diddering and shivering his chaps, as apes use to do nowadays, + and rabbits, whilst, almost starved with hunger, they are eating oats in + the sheaf. + </p> + <p> + Then was it that Goatsnose, lifting up into the air his right hand wholly + open and displayed, put the thumb thereof, even close unto its first + articulation, between the two third joints of the middle and ring fingers, + pressing about the said thumb thereof very hard with them both, and, + whilst the remanent joints were contracted and shrunk in towards the + wrist, he stretched forth with as much straightness as he could the fore + and little fingers. That hand thus framed and disposed of he laid and + posited upon Panurge’s navel, moving withal continually the + aforesaid thumb, and bearing up, supporting, or under-propping that hand + upon the above-specified fore and little fingers, as upon two legs. + Thereafter did he make in this posture his hand by little and little, and + by degrees and pauses, successively to mount from athwart the belly to the + stomach, from whence he made it to ascend to the breast, even upwards to + Panurge’s neck, still gaining ground, till, having reached his chin, + he had put within the concave of his mouth his afore-mentioned thumb; then + fiercely brandishing the whole hand, which he made to rub and grate + against his nose, he heaved it further up, and made the fashion as if with + the thumb thereof he would have put out his eyes. With this Panurge grew a + little angry, and went about to withdraw and rid himself from this + ruggedly untoward dumb devil. But Goatsnose in the meantime, prosecuting + the intended purpose of his prognosticatory response, touched very rudely, + with the above-mentioned shaking thumb, now his eyes, then his forehead, + and after that the borders and corners of his cap. At last Panurge cried + out, saying, Before God, master fool, if you do not let me alone, or that + you will presume to vex me any more, you shall receive from the best hand + I have a mask wherewith to cover your rascally scroundrel face, you paltry + shitten varlet. Then said Friar John, He is deaf, and doth not understand + what thou sayest unto him. Bulliballock, make sign to him of a hail of + fisticuffs upon the muzzle. + </p> + <p> + What the devil, quoth Panurge, means this busy restless fellow? What is it + that this polypragmonetic ardelion to all the fiends of hell doth aim at? + He hath almost thrust out mine eyes, as if he had been to poach them in a + skillet with butter and eggs. By God, da jurandi, I will feast you with + flirts and raps on the snout, interlarded with a double row of bobs and + finger-fillipings! Then did he leave him in giving him by way of salvo a + volley of farts for his farewell. Goatsnose, perceiving Panurge thus to + slip away from him, got before him, and, by mere strength enforcing him to + stand, made this sign unto him. He let fall his right arm toward his knee + on the same side as low as he could, and, raising all the fingers of that + hand into a close fist, passed his dexter thumb betwixt the foremost and + mid fingers thereto belonging. Then scrubbing and swingeing a little with + his left hand alongst and upon the uppermost in the very bough of the + elbow of the said dexter arm, the whole cubit thereof, by leisure, fair + and softly, at these thumpatory warnings, did raise and elevate itself + even to the elbow, and above it; on a sudden did he then let it fall down + as low as before, and after that, at certain intervals and such spaces of + time, raising and abasing it, he made a show thereof to Panurge. This so + incensed Panurge that he forthwith lifted his hand to have stricken him + the dumb roister and given him a sound whirret on the ear, but that the + respect and reverence which he carried to the presence of Pantagruel + restrained his choler and kept his fury within bounds and limits. Then + said Pantagruel, If the bare signs now vex and trouble you, how much more + grievously will you be perplexed and disquieted with the real things which + by them are represented and signified! All truths agree and are consonant + with one another. This dumb fellow prophesieth and foretelleth that you + will be married, cuckolded, beaten, and robbed. As for the marriage, quoth + Panurge, I yield thereto, and acknowledge the verity of that point of his + prediction; as for the rest, I utterly abjure and deny it: and believe, + sir, I beseech you, if it may please you so to do, that in the matter of + wives and horses never any man was predestinated to a better fortune than + I. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0021" id="link32HCH0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XXI.—How Panurge consulteth with an old French poet, named + Raminagrobis. + </h2> + <p> + I never thought, said Pantagruel, to have encountered with any man so + headstrong in his apprehensions, or in his opinions so wilful, as I have + found you to be and see you are. Nevertheless, the better to clear and + extricate your doubts, let us try all courses, and leave no stone unturned + nor wind unsailed by. Take good heed to what I am to say unto you. The + swans, which are fowls consecrated to Apollo, never chant but in the hour + of their approaching death, especially in the Meander flood, which is a + river that runneth along some of the territories of Phrygia. This I say, + because Aelianus and Alexander Myndius write that they had seen several + swans in other places die, but never heard any of them sing or chant + before their death. However, it passeth for current that the imminent + death of a swan is presaged by his foregoing song, and that no swan dieth + until preallably he have sung. + </p> + <p> + After the same manner, poets, who are under the protection of Apollo, when + they are drawing near their latter end do ordinarily become prophets, and + by the inspiration of that god sing sweetly in vaticinating things which + are to come. It hath been likewise told me frequently, that old decrepit + men upon the brinks of Charon’s banks do usher their decease with a + disclosure all at ease, to those that are desirous of such informations, + of the determinate and assured truth of future accidents and + contingencies. I remember also that Aristophanes, in a certain comedy of + his, calleth the old folks Sibyls, Eith o geron Zibullia. For as when, + being upon a pier by the shore, we see afar off mariners, seafaring men, + and other travellers alongst the curled waves of azure Thetis within their + ships, we then consider them in silence only, and seldom proceed any + further than to wish them a happy and prosperous arrival; but when they do + approach near to the haven, and come to wet their keels within their + harbour, then both with words and gestures we salute them, and heartily + congratulate their access safe to the port wherein we are ourselves. Just + so the angels, heroes, and good demons, according to the doctrine of the + Platonics, when they see mortals drawing near unto the harbour of the + grave, as the most sure and calmest port of any, full of repose, ease, + rest, tranquillity, free from the troubles and solicitudes of this + tumultuous and tempestuous world; then is it that they with alacrity hail + and salute them, cherish and comfort them, and, speaking to them lovingly, + begin even then to bless them with illuminations, and to communicate unto + them the abstrusest mysteries of divination. I will not offer here to + confound your memory by quoting antique examples of Isaac, of Jacob, of + Patroclus towards Hector, of Hector towards Achilles, of Polymnestor + towards Agamemnon, of Hecuba, of the Rhodian renowned by Posidonius, of + Calanus the Indian towards Alexander the Great, of Orodes towards + Mezentius, and of many others. It shall suffice for the present that I + commemorate unto you the learned and valiant knight and cavalier William + of Bellay, late Lord of Langey, who died on the Hill of Tarara, the 10th + of January, in the climacteric year of his age, and of our supputation + 1543, according to the Roman account. The last three or four hours of his + life he did employ in the serious utterance of a very pithy discourse, + whilst with a clear judgment and spirit void of all trouble he did + foretell several important things, whereof a great deal is come to pass, + and the rest we wait for. Howbeit, his prophecies did at that time seem + unto us somewhat strange, absurd, and unlikely, because there did not then + appear any sign of efficacy enough to engage our faith to the belief of + what he did prognosticate. We have here, near to the town of Villomere, a + man that is both old and a poet, to wit, Raminagrobis, who to his second + wife espoused my Lady Broadsow, on whom he begot the fair Basoche. It hath + been told me he is a-dying, and so near unto his latter end that he is + almost upon the very last moment, point, and article thereof. Repair + thither as fast as you can, and be ready to give an attentive ear to what + he shall chant unto you. It may be that you shall obtain from him what you + desire, and that Apollo will be pleased by his means to clear your + scruples. I am content, quoth Panurge. Let us go thither, Epistemon, and + that both instantly and in all haste, lest otherwise his death prevent our + coming. Wilt thou come along with us, Friar John? Yes, that I will, quoth + Friar John, right heartily to do thee a courtesy, my billy-ballocks; for I + love thee with the best of my milt and liver. + </p> + <p> + Thereupon, incontinently, without any further lingering, to the way they + all three went, and quickly thereafter—for they made good speed—arriving + at the poetical habitation, they found the jolly old man, albeit in the + agony of his departure from this world, looking cheerfully, with an open + countenance, splendid aspect, and behaviour full of alacrity. After that + Panurge had very civilly saluted him, he in a free gift did present him + with a gold ring, which he even then put upon the medical finger of his + left hand, in the collet or bezel whereof was enchased an Oriental + sapphire, very fair and large. Then, in imitation of Socrates, did he make + an oblation unto him of a fair white cock, which was no sooner set upon + the tester of his bed, than that, with a high raised head and crest, + lustily shaking his feather-coat, he crowed stentoriphonically loud. This + done, Panurge very courteously required of him that he would vouchsafe to + favour him with the grant and report of his sense and judgment touching + the future destiny of his intended marriage. For answer hereto, when the + honest old man had forthwith commanded pen, paper, and ink to be brought + unto him, and that he was at the same call conveniently served with all + the three, he wrote these following verses: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Take, or not take her, +Off, or on: +Handy-dandy is your lot. +When her name you write, you blot. +'Tis undone, when all is done, +Ended e’er it was begun: +Hardly gallop, if you trot, +Set not forward when you run, +Nor be single, though alone, +Take, or not take her. + +Before you eat, begin to fast; +For what shall be was never past. +Say, unsay, gainsay, save your breath: +Then wish at once her life and death. +Take, or not take her. +</pre> + <p> + These lines he gave out of his own hands unto them, saying unto them, Go, + my lads, in peace! the great God of the highest heavens be your guardian + and preserver! and do not offer any more to trouble or disquiet me with + this or any other business whatsoever. I have this same very day, which is + the last both of May and of me, with a greal deal of labour, toil, and + difficulty, chased out of my house a rabble of filthy, unclean, and + plaguily pestilentious rake-hells, black beasts, dusk, dun, white, + ash-coloured, speckled, and a foul vermin of other hues, whose obtrusive + importunity would not permit me to die at my own ease; for by fraudulent + and deceitful pricklings, ravenous, harpy-like graspings, waspish + stingings, and such-like unwelcome approaches, forged in the shop of I + know not what kind of insatiabilities, they went about to withdraw and + call me out of those sweet thoughts wherein I was already beginning to + repose myself and acquiesce in the contemplation and vision, yea, almost + in the very touch and taste of the happiness and felicity which the good + God hath prepared for his faithful saints and elect in the other life and + state of immortality. Turn out of their courses and eschew them, step + forth of their ways and do not resemble them; meanwhile, let me be no more + troubled by you, but leave me now in silence, I beseech you. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0022" id="link32HCH0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XXII.—How Panurge patrocinates and defendeth the Order of + the Begging Friars. + </h2> + <p> + Panurge, at his issuing forth of Raminagrobis’s chamber, said, as if + he had been horribly affrighted, By the virtue of God, I believe that he + is an heretic; the devil take me, if I do not! he doth so villainously + rail at the Mendicant Friars and Jacobins, who are the two hemispheres of + the Christian world; by whose gyronomonic circumbilvaginations, as by two + celivagous filopendulums, all the autonomatic metagrobolism of the Romish + Church, when tottering and emblustricated with the gibble-gabble gibberish + of this odious error and heresy, is homocentrically poised. But what harm, + in the devil’s name, have these poor devils the Capuchins and Minims + done unto him? Are not these beggarly devils sufficiently wretched + already? Who can imagine that these poor snakes, the very extracts of + ichthyophagy, are not thoroughly enough besmoked and besmeared with + misery, distress, and calamity? Dost thou think, Friar John, by thy faith, + that he is in the state of salvation? He goeth, before God, as surely + damned to thirty thousand basketsful of devils as a pruning-bill to the + lopping of a vine-branch. To revile with opprobrious speeches the good and + courageous props and pillars of the Church,—is that to be called a + poetical fury? I cannot rest satisfied with him; he sinneth grossly, and + blasphemeth against the true religion. I am very much offended at his + scandalizing words and contumelious obloquy. I do not care a straw, quoth + Friar John, for what he hath said; for although everybody should twit and + jerk them, it were but a just retaliation, seeing all persons are served + by them with the like sauce: therefore do I pretend no interest therein. + Let us see, nevertheless, what he hath written. Panurge very attentively + read the paper which the old man had penned; then said to his two + fellow-travellers, The poor drinker doteth. Howsoever, I excuse him, for + that I believe he is now drawing near to the end and final closure of his + life. Let us go make his epitaph. By the answer which he hath given us, I + am not, I protest, one jot wiser than I was. Hearken here, Epistemon, my + little bully, dost not thou hold him to be very resolute in his responsory + verdicts? He is a witty, quick, and subtle sophister. I will lay an even + wager that he is a miscreant apostate. By the belly of a stalled ox, how + careful he is not to be mistaken in his words. He answered but by + disjunctives, therefore can it not be true which he saith; for the verity + of such-like propositions is inherent only in one of its two members. O + the cozening prattler that he is! I wonder if Santiago of Bressure be one + of these cogging shirks. Such was of old, quoth Epistemon, the custom of + the grand vaticinator and prophet Tiresias, who used always, by way of a + preface, to say openly and plainly at the beginning of his divinations and + predictions that what he was to tell would either come to pass or not. And + such is truly the style of all prudently presaging prognosticators. He was + nevertheless, quoth Panurge, so unfortunately misadventurous in the lot of + his own destiny, that Juno thrust out both his eyes. + </p> + <p> + Yes, answered Epistemon, and that merely out of a spite and spleen for + having pronounced his award more veritable than she, upon the question + which was merrily proposed by Jupiter. But, quoth Panurge, what archdevil + is it that hath possessed this Master Raminagrobis, that so unreasonably, + and without any occasion, he should have so snappishly and bitterly + inveighed against these poor honest fathers, Jacobins, Minors, and Minims? + It vexeth me grievously, I assure you; nor am I able to conceal my + indignation. He hath transgressed most enormously; his soul goeth + infallibly to thirty thousand panniersful of devils. I understand you not, + quoth Epistemon, and it disliketh me very much that you should so absurdly + and perversely interpret that of the Friar Mendicants which by the + harmless poet was spoken of black beasts, dun, and other sorts of other + coloured animals. He is not in my opinion guilty of such a sophistical and + fantastic allegory as by that phrase of his to have meant the Begging + Brothers. He in downright terms speaketh absolutely and properly of fleas, + punies, hand worms, flies, gnats, and other such-like scurvy vermin, + whereof some are black, some dun, some ash-coloured, some tawny, and some + brown and dusky, all noisome, molesting, tyrannous, cumbersome, and + unpleasant creatures, not only to sick and diseased folks, but to those + also who are of a sound, vigorous, and healthful temperament and + constitution. It is not unlikely that he may have the ascarids, and the + lumbrics, and worms within the entrails of his body. Possibly doth he + suffer, as it is frequent and usual amongst the Egyptians, together with + all those who inhabit the Erythraean confines, and dwell along the shores + and coasts of the Red Sea, some sour prickings and smart stingings in his + arms and legs of those little speckled dragons which the Arabians call + meden. You are to blame for offering to expound his words otherwise, and + wrong the ingenuous poet, and outrageously abuse and miscall the said + fraters, by an imputation of baseness undeservedly laid to their charge. + We still should, in such like discourses of fatiloquent soothsayers, + interpret all things to the best. Will you teach me, quoth Panurge, how to + discern flies among milk, or show your father the way how to beget + children? He is, by the virtue of God, an arrant heretic, a resolute, + formal heretic; I say, a rooted, combustible heretic, one as fit to burn + as the little wooden clock at Rochelle. His soul goeth to thirty thousand + cartsful of devils. Would you know whither? Cocks-body, my friend, + straight under Proserpina’s close-stool, to the very middle of the + self-same infernal pan within which she, by an excrementitious evacuation, + voideth the faecal stuff of her stinking clysters, and that just upon the + left side of the great cauldron of three fathom height, hard by the claws + and talons of Lucifer, in the very darkest of the passage which leadeth + towards the black chamber of Demogorgon. O the villain! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0023" id="link32HCH0023"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XXIII.—How Panurge maketh the motion of a return to + Raminagrobis. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link3image-0007" id="link3image-0007"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/3-23-294.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="The Chamber is Already Full of Devils--3-23-294" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + Let us return, quoth Panurge, not ceasing, to the uttermost of our + abilities, to ply him with wholesome admonitions for the furtherance of + his salvation. Let us go back, for God’s sake; let us go, in the + name of God. It will be a very meritorious work, and of great charity in + us to deal so in the matter, and provide so well for him that, albeit he + come to lose both body and life, he may at least escape the risk and + danger of the eternal damnation of his soul. We will by our holy + persuasions bring him to a sense and feeling of his escapes, induce him to + acknowledge his faults, move him to a cordial repentance of his errors, + and stir up in him such a sincere contrition of heart for his offences, as + will prompt him with all earnestness to cry mercy, and to beg pardon at + the hands of the good fathers, as well of the absent as of such as are + present. Whereupon we will take instrument formally and authentically + extended, to the end he be not, after his decease, declared an heretic, + and condemned, as were the hobgoblins of the provost’s wife of + Orleans, to the undergoing of such punishments, pains, and tortures as are + due to and inflicted on those that inhabit the horrid cells of the + infernal regions; and withal incline, instigate, and persuade him to + bequeath and leave in legacy (by way of an amends and satisfaction for the + outrage and injury done to those good religious fathers throughout all the + convents, cloisters, and monasteries of this province), many bribes, a + great deal of mass-singing, store of obits, and that sempiternally, on the + anniversary day of his decease, every one of them all be furnished with a + quintuple allowance, and that the great borachio replenished with the best + liquor trudge apace along the tables, as well of the young duckling + monkitoes, lay brothers, and lowermost degree of the abbey lubbards, as of + the learned priests and reverend clerks,—the very meanest of the + novices and mitiants unto the order being equally admitted to the benefit + of those funerary and obsequial festivals with the aged rectors and + professed fathers. This is the surest ordinary means whereby from God he + may obtain forgiveness. Ho, ho, I am quite mistaken; I digress from the + purpose, and fly out of my discourse, as if my spirits were + a-wool-gathering. The devil take me, if I go thither! Virtue God! The + chamber is already full of devils. O what a swinging, thwacking noise is + now amongst them! O the terrible coil that they keep! Hearken, do you not + hear the rustling, thumping bustle of their strokes and blows, as they + scuffle with one another, like true devils indeed, who shall gulp up the + Raminagrobis soul, and be the first bringer of it, whilst it is hot, to + Monsieur Lucifer? Beware, and get you hence! for my part, I will not go + thither. The devil roast me if I go! Who knows but that these hungry mad + devils may in the haste of their rage and fury of their impatience take a + qui for a quo, and instead of Raminagrobis snatch up poor Panurge frank + and free? Though formerly, when I was deep in debt, they always failed. + Get you hence! I will not go thither. Before God, the very bare + apprehension thereof is like to kill me. To be in a place where there are + greedy, famished, and hunger-starved devils; amongst factious devils—amidst + trading and trafficking devils—O the Lord preserve me! Get you + hence! I dare pawn my credit on it, that no Jacobin, Cordelier, Carmelite, + Capuchin, Theatin, or Minim will bestow any personal presence at his + interment. The wiser they, because he hath ordained nothing for them in + his latter will and testament. The devil take me, if I go thither. If he + be damned, to his own loss and hindrance be it. What the deuce moved him + to be so snappish and depravedly bent against the good fathers of the true + religion? Why did he cast them off, reject them, and drive them quite out + of his chamber, even in that very nick of time when he stood in greatest + need of the aid, suffrage, and assistance of their devout prayers and holy + admonitions? Why did not he by testament leave them, at least, some jolly + lumps and cantles of substantial meat, a parcel of cheek-puffing victuals, + and a little belly-timber and provision for the guts of these poor folks, + who have nothing but their life in this world? Let him go thither who + will, the devil take me if I go; for, if I should, the devil would not + fail to snatch me up. Cancro. Ho, the pox! Get you hence, Friar John! Art + thou content that thirty thousand wainload of devils should get away with + thee at this same very instant? If thou be, at my request do these three + things. First, give me thy purse; for besides that thy money is marked + with crosses, and the cross is an enemy to charms, the same may befall to + thee which not long ago happened to John Dodin, collector of the excise of + Coudray, at the ford of Vede, when the soldiers broke the planks. This + moneyed fellow, meeting at the very brink of the bank of the ford with + Friar Adam Crankcod, a Franciscan observantin of Mirebeau, promised him a + new frock, provided that in the transporting of him over the water he + would bear him upon his neck and shoulders, after the manner of carrying + dead goats; for he was a lusty, strong-limbed, sturdy rogue. The condition + being agreed upon, Friar Crankcod trusseth himself up to his very + ballocks, and layeth upon his back, like a fair little Saint Christopher, + the load of the said supplicant Dodin, and so carried him gaily and with a + good will, as Aeneas bore his father Anchises through the conflagration of + Troy, singing in the meanwhile a pretty Ave Maris Stella. When they were + in the very deepest place of all the ford, a little above the master-wheel + of the water-mill, he asked if he had any coin about him. Yes, quoth + Dodin, a whole bagful; and that he needed not to mistrust his ability in + the performance of the promise which he had made unto him concerning a new + frock. How! quoth Friar Crankcod, thou knowest well enough that by the + express rules, canons, and injunctions of our order we are forbidden to + carry on us any kind of money. Thou art truly unhappy, for having made me + in this point to commit a heinous trespass. Why didst thou not leave thy + purse with the miller? Without fail thou shalt presently receive thy + reward for it; and if ever hereafter I may but lay hold upon thee within + the limits of our chancel at Mirebeau, thou shalt have the Miserere even + to the Vitulos. With this, suddenly discharging himself of his burden, he + throws me down your Dodin headlong. Take example by this Dodin, my dear + friend Friar John, to the end that the devils may the better carry thee + away at thine own ease. Give me thy purse. Carry no manner of cross upon + thee. Therein lieth an evident and manifestly apparent danger. For if you + have any silver coined with a cross upon it, they will cast thee down + headlong upon some rocks, as the eagles use to do with the tortoises for + the breaking of their shells, as the bald pate of the poet Aeschylus can + sufficiently bear witness. Such a fall would hurt thee very sore, my sweet + bully, and I would be sorry for it. Or otherwise they will let thee fall + and tumble down into the high swollen waves of some capacious sea, I know + not where; but, I warrant thee, far enough hence, as Icarus fell, which + from thy name would afterwards get the denomination of the Funnelian Sea. + </p> + <p> + Secondly, be out of debt. For the devils carry a great liking to those + that are out of debt. I have sore felt the experience thereof in mine own + particular; for now the lecherous varlets are always wooing me, courting + me, and making much of me, which they never did when I was all to pieces. + The soul of one in debt is insipid, dry, and heretical altogether. + </p> + <p> + Thirdly, with the cowl and Domino de Grobis, return to Raminagrobis; and + in case, being thus qualified, thirty thousand boatsful of devils + forthwith come not to carry thee quite away, I shall be content to be at + the charge of paying for the pint and faggot. Now, if for the more + security thou wouldst some associate to bear thee company, let not me be + the comrade thou searchest for; think not to get a fellow-traveller of me,—nay, + do not. I advise thee for the best. Get you hence; I will not go thither. + The devil take me if I go. Notwithstanding all the fright that you are in, + quoth Friar John, I would not care so much as might possibly be expected I + should, if I once had but my sword in my hand. Thou hast verily hit the + nail on the head, quoth Panurge, and speakest like a learned doctor, + subtle and well-skilled in the art of devilry. At the time when I was a + student in the University of Toulouse (Tolette), that same reverend father + in the devil, Picatrix, rector of the diabological faculty, was wont to + tell us that the devils did naturally fear the bright glancing of swords + as much as the splendour and light of the sun. In confirmation of the + verity whereof he related this story, that Hercules, at his descent into + hell to all the devils of those regions, did not by half so much terrify + them with his club and lion’s skin as afterwards Aeneas did with his + clear shining armour upon him, and his sword in his hand well-furbished + and unrusted, by the aid, counsel, and assistance of the Sybilla Cumana. + That was perhaps the reason why the senior John Jacomo di Trivulcio, + whilst he was a-dying at Chartres, called for his cutlass, and died with a + drawn sword in his hand, laying about him alongst and athwart around the + bed and everywhere within his reach, like a stout, doughty, valorous and + knight-like cavalier; by which resolute manner of fence he scared away and + put to flight all the devils that were then lying in wait for his soul at + the passage of his death. When the Massorets and Cabalists are asked why + it is that none of all the devils do at any time enter into the + terrestrial paradise? their answer hath been, is, and will be still, that + there is a cherubin standing at the gate thereof with a flame-like + glistering sword in his hand. Although, to speak in the true diabological + sense or phrase of Toledo, I must needs confess and acknowledge that + veritably the devils cannot be killed or die by the stroke of a sword, I + do nevertheless avow and maintain, according to the doctrine of the said + diabology, that they may suffer a solution of continuity (as if with thy + shable thou shouldst cut athwart the flame of a burning fire, or the gross + opacous exhalations of a thick and obscure smoke), and cry out like very + devils at their sense and feeling of this dissolution, which in real deed + I must aver and affirm is devilishly painful, smarting, and dolorous. + </p> + <p> + When thou seest the impetuous shock of two armies, and vehement violence + of the push in their horrid encounter with one another, dost thou think, + Ballockasso, that so horrible a noise as is heard there proceedeth from + the voice and shouts of men, the dashing and jolting of harness, the + clattering and clashing of armies, the hacking and slashing of + battle-axes, the justling and crashing of pikes, the bustling and breaking + of lances, the clamour and shrieks of the wounded, the sound and din of + drums, the clangour and shrillness of trumpets, the neighing and rushing + in of horses, with the fearful claps and thundering of all sorts of guns, + from the double cannon to the pocket pistol inclusively? I cannot goodly + deny but that in these various things which I have rehearsed there may be + somewhat occasionative of the huge yell and tintamarre of the two engaged + bodies. But the most fearful and tumultuous coil and stir, the terriblest + and most boisterous garboil and hurry, the chiefest rustling black santus + of all, and most principal hurlyburly springeth from the grievously + plangorous howling and lowing of devils, who pell-mell, in a + hand-over-head confusion, waiting for the poor souls of the maimed and + hurt soldiery, receive unawares some strokes with swords, and so by those + means suffer a solution of and division in the continuity of their aerial + and invisible substances; as if some lackey, snatching at the lard-slices + stuck in a piece of roast meat on the spit, should get from Mr. Greasyfist + a good rap on the knuckles with a cudgel. They cry out and shout like + devils, even as Mars did when he was hurt by Diomedes at the siege of + Troy, who, as Homer testifieth of him, did then raise his voice more + horrifically loud and sonoriferously high than ten thousand men together + would have been able to do. What maketh all this for our present purpose? + I have been speaking here of well-furbished armour and bright shining + swords. But so is it not, Friar John, with thy weapon; for by a long + discontinuance of work, cessation from labour, desisting from making it + officiate, and putting it into that practice wherein it had been formerly + accustomed, and, in a word, for want of occupation, it is, upon my faith, + become more rusty than the key-hole of an old powdering-tub. Therefore it + is expedient that you do one of these two things: either furbish your + weapon bravely, and as it ought to be, or otherwise have a care that, in + the rusty case it is in, you do not presume to return to the house of + Raminagrobis. For my part, I vow I will not go thither. The devil take me + if I go. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0024" id="link32HCH0024"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XXIV.—How Panurge consulteth with Epistemon. + </h2> + <p> + Having left the town of Villomere, as they were upon their return towards + Pantagruel, Panurge, in addressing his discourse to Epistemon, spoke thus: + My most ancient friend and gossip, thou seest the perplexity of my + thoughts, and knowest many remedies for the removal thereof; art thou not + able to help and succour me? Epistemon, thereupon taking the speech in + hand, represented unto Panurge how the open voice and common fame of the + whole country did run upon no other discourse but the derision and mockery + of his new disguise; wherefore his counsel unto him was that he would in + the first place be pleased to make use of a little hellebore for the + purging of his brain of that peccant humour which, through that + extravagant and fantastic mummery of his, had furnished the people with a + too just occasion of flouting and gibing, jeering and scoffing him, and + that next he would resume his ordinary fashion of accoutrement, and go + apparelled as he was wont to do. I am, quoth Panurge, my dear gossip + Epistemon, of a mind and resolution to marry, but am afraid of being a + cuckold and to be unfortunate in my wedlock. For this cause have I made a + vow to young St. Francis—who at Plessis-les-Tours is much reverenced + of all women, earnestly cried unto by them, and with great devotion, for + he was the first founder of the confraternity of good men, whom they + naturally covet, affect, and long for—to wear spectacles in my cap, + and to carry no codpiece in my breeches, until the present inquietude and + perturbation of my spirits be fully settled. + </p> + <p> + Truly, quoth Epistemon, that is a pretty jolly vow of thirteen to a dozen. + It is a shame to you, and I wonder much at it, that you do not return unto + yourself, and recall your senses from this their wild swerving and + straying abroad to that rest and stillness which becomes a virtuous man. + This whimsical conceit of yours brings me to the remembrance of a solemn + promise made by the shag-haired Argives, who, having in their controversy + against the Lacedaemonians for the territory of Thyrea, lost the battle + which they hoped should have decided it for their advantage, vowed to + carry never any hair on their heads till preallably they had recovered the + loss of both their honour and lands. As likewise to the memory of the vow + of a pleasant Spaniard called Michael Doris, who vowed to carry in his hat + a piece of the shin of his leg till he should be revenged of him who had + struck it off. Yet do not I know which of these two deserveth most to wear + a green and yellow hood with a hare’s ears tied to it, either the + aforesaid vainglorious champion, or that Enguerrant, who having forgot the + art and manner of writing histories set down by the Samosatian + philosopher, maketh a most tediously long narrative and relation thereof. + For, at the first reading of such a profuse discourse, one would think it + had been broached for the introducing of a story of great importance and + moment concerning the waging of some formidable war, or the notable change + and mutation of potent states and kingdoms; but, in conclusion, the world + laugheth at the capricious champion, at the Englishman who had affronted + him, as also at their scribbler Enguerrant, more drivelling at the mouth + than a mustard pot. The jest and scorn thereof is not unlike to that of + the mountain of Horace, which by the poet was made to cry out and lament + most enormously as a woman in the pangs and labour of child-birth, at + which deplorable and exorbitant cries and lamentations the whole + neighbourhood being assembled in expectation to see some marvellous + monstrous production, could at last perceive no other but the paltry, + ridiculous mouse. + </p> + <p> + Your mousing, quoth Panurge, will not make me leave my musing why folks + should be so frumpishly disposed, seeing I am certainly persuaded that + some flout who merit to be flouted at; yet, as my vow imports, so will I + do. It is now a long time since, by Jupiter Philos (A mistake of the + translator’s.—M.), we did swear faith and amity to one + another. Give me your advice, billy, and tell me your opinion freely, + Should I marry or no? Truly, quoth Epistemon, the case is hazardous, and + the danger so eminently apparent that I find myself too weak and + insufficient to give you a punctual and peremptory resolution therein; and + if ever it was true that judgment is difficult in matters of the medicinal + art, what was said by Hippocrates of Lango, it is certainly so in this + case. True it is that in my brain there are some rolling fancies, by means + whereof somewhat may be pitched upon of a seeming efficacy to the + disentangling your mind of those dubious apprehensions wherewith it is + perplexed; but they do not thoroughly satisfy me. Some of the Platonic + sect affirm that whosoever is able to see his proper genius may know his + own destiny. I understand not their doctrine, nor do I think that you + adhere to them; there is a palpable abuse. I have seen the experience of + it in a very curious gentleman of the country of Estangourre. This is one + of the points. There is yet another not much better. If there were any + authority now in the oracles of Jupiter Ammon; of Apollo in Lebadia, + Delphos, Delos, Cyrra, Patara, Tegyres, Preneste, Lycia, Colophon, or in + the Castalian Fountain; near Antiochia in Syria, between the Branchidians; + of Bacchus in Dodona; of Mercury in Phares, near Patras; of Apis in Egypt; + of Serapis in Canope; of Faunus in Menalia, and Albunea near Tivoli; of + Tiresias in Orchomenus; of Mopsus in Cilicia; of Orpheus in Lesbos, and of + Trophonius in Leucadia; I would in that case advise you, and possibly not, + to go thither for their judgment concerning the design and enterprise you + have in hand. But you know that they are all of them become as dumb as so + many fishes since the advent of that Saviour King whose coming to this + world hath made all oracles and prophecies to cease; as the approach of + the sun’s radiant beams expelleth goblins, bugbears, hobthrushes, + broams, screech-owl-mates, night-walking spirits, and tenebrions. These + now are gone; but although they were as yet in continuance and in the same + power, rule, and request that formerly they were, yet would not I counsel + you to be too credulous in putting any trust in their responses. Too many + folks have been deceived thereby. It stands furthermore upon record how + Agrippina did charge the fair Lollia with the crime of having interrogated + the oracle of Apollo Clarius, to understand if she should be at any time + married to the Emperor Claudius; for which cause she was first banished, + and thereafter put to a shameful and ignominious death. + </p> + <p> + But, saith Panurge, let us do better. The Ogygian Islands are not far + distant from the haven of Sammalo. Let us, after that we shall have spoken + to our king, make a voyage thither. In one of these four isles, to wit, + that which hath its primest aspect towards the sun setting, it is + reported, and I have read in good antique and authentic authors, that + there reside many soothsayers, fortune-tellers, vaticinators, prophets, + and diviners of things to come; that Saturn inhabiteth that place, bound + with fair chains of gold and within the concavity of a golden rock, being + nourished with divine ambrosia and nectar, which are daily in great store + and abundance transmitted to him from the heavens, by I do not well know + what kind of fowls,—it may be that they are the same ravens which in + the deserts are said to have fed St. Paul, the first hermit,—he very + clearly foretelleth unto everyone who is desirous to be certified of the + condition of his lot what his destiny will be, and what future chance the + Fates have ordained for him; for the Parcae, or Weird Sisters, do not + twist, spin, or draw out a thread, nor yet doth Jupiter perpend, project, + or deliberate anything which the good old celestial father knoweth not to + the full, even whilst he is asleep. This will be a very summary + abbreviation of our labour, if we but hearken unto him a little upon the + serious debate and canvassing of this my perplexity. That is, answered + Epistemon, a gullery too evident, a plain abuse and fib too fabulous. I + will not go, not I; I will not go. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0025" id="link32HCH0025"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XXV.—How Panurge consulteth with Herr Trippa. + </h2> + <p> + Nevertheless, quoth Epistemon, continuing his discourse, I will tell you + what you may do, if you believe me, before we return to our king. Hard by + here, in the Brown-wheat (Bouchart) Island, dwelleth Herr Trippa. You know + how by the arts of astrology, geomancy, chiromancy, metopomancy, and + others of a like stuff and nature, he foretelleth all things to come; let + us talk a little, and confer with him about your business. Of that, + answered Panurge, I know nothing; but of this much concerning him I am + assured, that one day, and that not long since, whilst he was prating to + the great king of celestial, sublime, and transcendent things, the + lacqueys and footboys of the court, upon the upper steps of stairs between + two doors, jumbled, one after another, as often as they listed, his wife, + who is passable fair, and a pretty snug hussy. Thus he who seemed very + clearly to see all heavenly and terrestrial things without spectacles, who + discoursed boldly of adventures past, with great confidence opened up + present cases and accidents, and stoutly professed the presaging of all + future events and contingencies, was not able, with all the skill and + cunning that he had, to perceive the bumbasting of his wife, whom he + reputed to be very chaste, and hath not till this hour got notice of + anything to the contrary. Yet let us go to him, seeing you will have it + so; for surely we can never learn too much. They on the very next ensuing + day came to Herr Trippa’s lodging. Panurge, by way of donative, + presented him with a long gown lined all through with wolf-skins, with a + short sword mounted with a gilded hilt and covered with a velvet scabbard, + and with fifty good single angels; then in a familiar and friendly way did + he ask of him his opinion touching the affair. At the very first Herr + Trippa, looking on him very wistly in the face, said unto him: Thou hast + the metoposcopy and physiognomy of a cuckold,—I say, of a notorious + and infamous cuckold. With this, casting an eye upon Panurge’s right + hand in all the parts thereof, he said, This rugged draught which I see + here, just under the mount of Jove, was never yet but in the hand of a + cuckold. Afterwards, he with a white lead pen swiftly and hastily drew a + certain number of diverse kinds of points, which by rules of geomancy he + coupled and joined together; then said: Truth itself is not truer than + that it is certain thou wilt be a cuckold a little after thy marriage. + That being done, he asked of Panurge the horoscope of his nativity, which + was no sooner by Panurge tendered unto him, than that, erecting a figure, + he very promptly and speedily formed and fashioned a complete fabric of + the houses of heaven in all their parts, whereof when he had considered + the situation and the aspects in their triplicities, he fetched a deep + sigh, and said: I have clearly enough already discovered unto you the fate + of your cuckoldry, which is unavoidable, you cannot escape it. And here + have I got of new a further assurance thereof, so that I may now hardily + pronounce and affirm, without any scruple or hesitation at all, that thou + wilt be a cuckold; that furthermore, thou wilt be beaten by thine own + wife, and that she will purloin, filch and steal of thy goods from thee; + for I find the seventh house, in all its aspects, of a malignant + influence, and every one of the planets threatening thee with disgrace, + according as they stand seated towards one another, in relation to the + horned signs of Aries, Taurus, and Capricorn. In the fourth house I find + Jupiter in a decadence, as also in a tetragonal aspect to Saturn, + associated with Mercury. Thou wilt be soundly peppered, my good, honest + fellow, I warrant thee. I will be? answered Panurge. A plague rot thee, + thou old fool and doting sot, how graceless and unpleasant thou art! When + all cuckolds shall be at a general rendezvous, thou shouldst be their + standard-bearer. But whence comes this ciron-worm betwixt these two + fingers? This Panurge said, putting the forefinger of his left hand + betwixt the fore and mid finger of the right, which he thrust out towards + Herr Trippa, holding them open after the manner of two horns, and shutting + into his fist his thumb with the other fingers. Then, in turning to + Epistemon, he said: Lo here the true Olus of Martial, who addicted and + devoted himself wholly to the observing the miseries, crosses, and + calamities of others, whilst his own wife, in the interim, did keep an + open bawdy-house. This varlet is poorer than ever was Irus, and yet he is + proud, vaunting, arrogant, self-conceited, overweening, and more + insupportable than seventeen devils; in one word, Ptochalazon, which term + of old was applied to the like beggarly strutting coxcombs. Come, let us + leave this madpash bedlam, this hairbrained fop, and give him leave to + rave and dose his bellyful with his private and intimately acquainted + devils, who, if they were not the very worst of all infernal fiends, would + never have deigned to serve such a knavish barking cur as this is. He hath + not learnt the first precept of philosophy, which is, Know thyself; for + whilst he braggeth and boasteth that he can discern the least mote in the + eye of another, he is not able to see the huge block that puts out the + sight of both his eyes. This is such another Polypragmon as is by Plutarch + described. He is of the nature of the Lamian witches, who in foreign + places, in the houses of strangers, in public, and amongst the common + people, had a sharper and more piercing inspection into their affairs than + any lynx, but at home in their own proper dwelling-mansions were blinder + than moldwarps, and saw nothing at all. For their custom was, at their + return from abroad, when they were by themselves in private, to take their + eyes out of their head, from whence they were as easily removable as a + pair of spectacles from their nose, and to lay them up into a wooden + slipper which for that purpose did hang behind the door of their lodging. + </p> + <p> + Panurge had no sooner done speaking, when Herr Trippa took into his hand a + tamarisk branch. In this, quoth Epistemon, he doth very well, right, and + like an artist, for Nicander calleth it the divinatory tree. Have you a + mind, quoth Herr Trippa, to have the truth of the matter yet more fully + and amply disclosed unto you by pyromancy, by aeromancy, whereof + Aristophanes in his Clouds maketh great estimation, by hydromancy, by + lecanomancy, of old in prime request amongst the Assyrians, and thoroughly + tried by Hermolaus Barbarus. Come hither, and I will show thee in this + platterful of fair fountain-water thy future wife lechering and + sercroupierizing it with two swaggering ruffians, one after another. Yea, + but have a special care, quoth Panurge, when thou comest to put thy nose + within mine arse, that thou forget not to pull off thy spectacles. Herr + Trippa, going on in his discourse, said, By catoptromancy, likewise held + in such account by the Emperor Didius Julianus, that by means thereof he + ever and anon foresaw all that which at any time did happen or befall unto + him. Thou shalt not need to put on thy spectacles, for in a mirror thou + wilt see her as clearly and manifestly nebrundiated and billibodring it, + as if I should show it in the fountain of the temple of Minerva near + Patras. By coscinomancy, most religiously observed of old amidst the + ceremonies of the ancient Romans. Let us have a sieve and shears, and thou + shalt see devils. By alphitomancy, cried up by Theocritus in his + Pharmaceutria. By alentomancy, mixing the flour of wheat with oatmeal. By + astragalomancy, whereof I have the plots and models all at hand ready for + the purpose. By tyromancy, whereof we make some proof in a great Brehemont + cheese which I here keep by me. By giromancy, if thou shouldst turn round + circles, thou mightest assure thyself from me that they would fall always + on the wrong side. By sternomancy, which maketh nothing for thy advantage, + for thou hast an ill-proportioned stomach. By libanomancy, for the which + we shall need but a little frankincense. By gastromancy, which kind of + ventral fatiloquency was for a long time together used in Ferrara by Lady + Giacoma Rodogina, the Engastrimythian prophetess. By cephalomancy, often + practised amongst the High Germans in their boiling of an ass’s head + upon burning coals. By ceromancy, where, by the means of wax dissolved + into water, thou shalt see the figure, portrait, and lively representation + of thy future wife, and of her fredin fredaliatory belly-thumping blades. + By capnomancy. O the gallantest and most excellent of all secrets! By + axionomancy; we want only a hatchet and a jet-stone to be laid together + upon a quick fire of hot embers. O how bravely Homer was versed in the + practice hereof towards Penelope’s suitors! By onymancy; for that we + have oil and wax. By tephromancy. Thou wilt see the ashes thus aloft + dispersed exhibiting thy wife in a fine posture. By botanomancy; for the + nonce I have some few leaves in reserve. By sicomancy; O divine art in + fig-tree leaves! By icthiomancy, in ancient times so celebrated, and put + in use by Tiresias and Polydamas, with the like certainty of event as was + tried of old at the Dina-ditch within that grove consecrated to Apollo + which is in the territory of the Lycians. By choiromancy; let us have a + great many hogs, and thou shalt have the bladder of one of them. By + cheromancy, as the bean is found in the cake at the Epiphany vigil. By + anthropomancy, practised by the Roman Emperor Heliogabalus. It is somewhat + irksome, but thou wilt endure it well enough, seeing thou art destinated + to be a cuckold. By a sibylline stichomancy. By onomatomancy. How do they + call thee? Chaw-turd, quoth Panurge. Or yet by alectryomancy. If I should + here with a compass draw a round, and in looking upon thee, and + considering thy lot, divide the circumference thereof into four-and-twenty + equal parts, then form a several letter of the alphabet upon every one of + them; and, lastly, posit a barleycorn or two upon each of these so + disposed letters, I durst promise upon my faith and honesty that, if a + young virgin cock be permitted to range alongst and athwart them, he + should only eat the grains which are set and placed upon these letters, A. + C.U.C.K.O.L.D. T.H.O.U. S.H.A.L.T. B.E. And that as fatidically as, under + the Emperor Valens, most perplexedly desirous to know the name of him who + should be his successor to the empire, the cock vacticinating and + alectryomantic ate up the pickles that were posited on the letters + T.H.E.O.D. Or, for the more certainty, will you have a trial of your + fortune by the art of aruspiciny, by augury, or by extispiciny? By + turdispiciny, quoth Panurge. Or yet by the mystery of necromancy? I will, + if you please, suddenly set up again and revive someone lately deceased, + as Apollonius of Tyane did to Achilles, and the Pythoness in the presence + of Saul; which body, so raised up and requickened, will tell us the sum of + all you shall require of him: no more nor less than, at the invocation of + Erictho, a certain defunct person foretold to Pompey the whole progress + and issue of the fatal battle fought in the Pharsalian fields. Or, if you + be afraid of the dead, as commonly all cuckolds are, I will make use of + the faculty of sciomancy. + </p> + <p> + Go, get thee gone, quoth Panurge, thou frantic ass, to the devil, and be + buggered, filthy Bardachio that thou art, by some Albanian, for a + steeple-crowned hat. Why the devil didst not thou counsel me as well to + hold an emerald or the stone of a hyaena under my tongue, or to furnish + and provide myself with tongues of whoops, and hearts of green frogs, or + to eat of the liver and milt of some dragon, to the end that by those + means I might, at the chanting and chirping of swans and other fowls, + understand the substance of my future lot and destiny, as did of old the + Arabians in the country of Mesopotamia? Fifteen brace of devils seize upon + the body and soul of this horned renegado, miscreant cuckold, the + enchanter, witch, and sorcerer of Antichrist to all the devils of hell! + Let us return towards our king. I am sure he will not be well pleased with + us if he once come to get notice that we have been in the kennel of this + muffled devil. I repent my being come hither. I would willingly dispense + with a hundred nobles and fourteen yeomans, on condition that he who not + long since did blow in the bottom of my breeches should instantly with his + squirting spittle inluminate his moustaches. O Lord God now! how the + villain hath besmoked me with vexation and anger, with charms and + witchcraft, and with a terrible coil and stir of infernal and Tartarian + devils! The devil take him! Say Amen, and let us go drink. I shall not + have any appetite for my victuals, how good cheer soever I make, these two + days to come,—hardly these four. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0026" id="link32HCH0026"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XXVI.—How Panurge consulteth with Friar John of the + Funnels. + </h2> + <p> + Panurge was indeed very much troubled in mind and disquieted at the words + of Herr Trippa, and therefore, as he passed by the little village of + Huymes, after he had made his address to Friar John, in pecking at, + rubbing, and scratching his own left ear, he said unto him, Keep me a + little jovial and merry, my dear and sweet bully, for I find my brains + altogether metagrabolized and confounded, and my spirits in a most + dunsical puzzle at the bitter talk of this devilish, hellish, damned fool. + Hearken, my dainty cod. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Mellow C. Varnished C. Resolute C. +Lead-coloured C. Renowned C. Cabbage-like C. +Knurled C. Matted C. Courteous C. +Suborned C. Genitive C. Fertile C. +Desired C. Gigantal C. Whizzing C. +Stuffed C. Oval C. Neat C. +Speckled C. Claustral C. Common C. +Finely metalled C. Virile C. Brisk C. +Arabian-like C. Stayed C. Quick C. +Trussed-up Grey- Massive C. Bearlike C. +hound-like C. Manual C. Partitional C. +Mounted C. Absolute C. Patronymic C. +Sleeked C. Well-set C. Cockney C. +Diapered C. Gemel C. Auromercuriated C. +Spotted C. Turkish C. Robust C. +Master C. Burning C. Appetizing C. +Seeded C. Thwacking C. Succourable C. +Lusty C. Urgent C. Redoubtable C. +Jupped C. Handsome C. Affable C. +Milked C. Prompt C. Memorable C. +Calfeted C. Fortunate C. Palpable C. +Raised C. Boxwood C. Barbable C. +Odd C. Latten C. Tragical C. +Steeled C. Unbridled C. Transpontine C. +Stale C. Hooked C. Digestive C. +Orange-tawny C. Researched C. Active C. +Embroidered C. Encompassed C. Vital C. +Glazed C. Strouting out C. Magistral C. +Interlarded C. Jolly C. Monachal C. +Burgher-like C. Lively C. Subtle C. +Empowdered C. Gerundive C. Hammering C. +Ebonized C. Franked C. Clashing C. +Brasiliated C. Polished C. Tingling C. +Organized C. Powdered Beef C. Usual C. +Passable C. Positive C. Exquisite C. +Trunkified C. Spared C. Trim C. +Furious C. Bold C. Succulent C. +Packed C. Lascivious C. Factious C. +Hooded C. Gluttonous C. Clammy C. +Fat C. Boulting C. New-vamped C. +High-prized C. Snorting C. Improved C. +Requisite C. Pilfering C. Malling C. +Laycod C. Shaking C. Sounding C. +Hand-filling C. Bobbing C. Battled C. +Insuperable C. Chiveted C. Burly C. +Agreeable C. Fumbling C. Seditious C. +Formidable C. Topsyturvying C. Wardian C. +Profitable C. Raging C. Protective C. +Notable C. Piled up C. Twinkling C. +Musculous C. Filled up C. Able C. +Subsidiary C. Manly C. Algoristical C. +Satiric C. Idle C. Odoriferous C. +Repercussive C. Membrous C. Pranked C. +Convulsive C. Strong C. Jocund C. +Restorative C. Twin C. Routing C. +Masculinating C. Belabouring C. Purloining C. +Incarnative C. Gentle C. Frolic C. +Sigillative C. Stirring C. Wagging C. +Sallying C. Confident C. Ruffling C. +Plump C. Nimble C. Jumbling C. +Thundering C. Roundheaded C. Rumbling C. +Lechering C. Figging C. Thumping C. +Fulminating C. Helpful C. Bumping C. +Sparkling C. Spruce C. Cringeling C. +Ramming C. Plucking C. Berumpling C. +Lusty C. Ramage C. Jogging C. +Household C. Fine C. Nobbing C. +Pretty C. Fierce C. Touzing C. +Astrolabian C. Brawny C. Tumbling C. +Algebraical C. Compt C. Fambling C. +Venust C. Repaired C. Overturning C. +Aromatizing C. Soft C. Shooting C. +Tricksy C. Wild C. Culeting C. +Paillard C. Renewed C. Jagged C. +Gaillard C. Quaint C. Pinked C. +Broaching C. Starting C. Arsiversing C. +Addle C. Fleshy C. Polished C. +Syndicated C. Auxiliary C. Slashed C. +Hamed C. Stuffed C. Clashing C. +Leisurely C. Well-fed C. Wagging C. +Cut C. Flourished C. Scriplike C. +Smooth C. Fallow C. Encremastered C. +Depending C. Sudden C. Bouncing C. +Independent C. Graspful C. Levelling C. +Lingering C. Swillpow C. Fly-flap C. +Rapping C. Crushing C. Perinae-tegminal C. +Reverend C. Creaking C. Squat-couching C. +Nodding C. Dilting C. Short-hung C. +Disseminating C. Ready C. The hypogastrian C. +Affecting C. Vigorous C. Witness-bearing C. +Affected C. Skulking C. Testigerous C. +Grappled C. Superlative C. Instrumental C. +</pre> + <p> + My harcabuzing cod and buttock-stirring ballock, Friar John, my friend, I + do carry a singular respect unto thee, and honour thee with all my heart. + Thy counsel I hold for a choice and delicate morsel; therefore have I + reserved it for the last bit. Give me thy advice freely, I beseech thee, + Should I marry or no? Friar John very merrily, and with a sprightly + cheerfulness, made this answer to him: Marry, in the devil’s name. + Why not? What the devil else shouldst thou do but marry? Take thee a wife, + and furbish her harness to some tune. Swinge her skin-coat as if thou wert + beating on stock-fish; and let the repercussion of thy clapper from her + resounding metal make a noise as if a double peal of chiming-bells were + hung at the cremasters of thy ballocks. As I say marry, so do I understand + that thou shouldst fall to work as speedily as may be; yea, my meaning is + that thou oughtest to be so quick and forward therein, as on this same + very day, before sunset, to cause proclaim thy banns of matrimony, and + make provision of bedsteads. By the blood of a hog’s-pudding, till + when wouldst thou delay the acting of a husband’s part? Dost thou + not know, and is it not daily told unto thee, that the end of the world + approacheth? We are nearer it by three poles and half a fathom than we + were two days ago. The Antichrist is already born; at least it is so + reported by many. The truth is, that hitherto the effects of his wrath + have not reached further than to the scratching of his nurse and + governesses. His nails are not sharp enough as yet, nor have his claws + attained to their full growth,—he is little. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Crescat; Nos qui vivimus, multiplicemur. +</pre> + <p> + It is written so, and it is holy stuff, I warrant you; the truth whereof + is like to last as long as a sack of corn may be had for a penny, and a + puncheon of pure wine for threepence. Wouldst thou be content to be found + with thy genitories full in the day of judgment? Dum venerit judicari? + Thou hast, quoth Panurge, a right, clear, and neat spirit, Friar John, my + metropolitan cod; thou speakst in very deed pertinently and to purpose. + That belike was the reason which moved Leander of Abydos in Asia, whilst + he was swimming through the Hellespontic sea to make a visit to his + sweetheart Hero of Sestus in Europe, to pray unto Neptune and all the + other marine gods, thus: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Now, whilst I go, have pity on me, +And at my back returning drown me. +</pre> + <p> + He was loth, it seems, to die with his cods overgorged. He was to be + commended; therefore do I promise, that from henceforth no malefactor + shall by justice be executed within my jurisdiction of Salmigondinois, who + shall not, for a day or two at least before, be permitted to culbut and + foraminate onocrotalwise, that there remain not in all his vessels to + write a Greek Y. Such a precious thing should not be foolishly cast away. + He will perhaps therewith beget a male, and so depart the more contentedly + out of this life, that he shall have left behind him one for one. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0027" id="link32HCH0027"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XXVII.—How Friar John merrily and sportingly counselleth + Panurge. + </h2> + <p> + By Saint Rigomet, quoth Friar John, I do advise thee to nothing, my dear + friend Panurge, which I would not do myself were I in thy place. Only have + a special care, and take good heed thou solder well together the joints of + the double-backed and two-bellied beast, and fortify thy nerves so + strongly, that there be no discontinuance in the knocks of the venerean + thwacking, else thou art lost, poor soul. For if there pass long intervals + betwixt the priapizing feats, and that thou make an intermission of too + large a time, that will befall thee which betides the nurses if they + desist from giving suck to children—they lose their milk; and if + continually thou do not hold thy aspersory tool in exercise, and keep thy + mentul going, thy lacticinian nectar will be gone, and it will serve thee + only as a pipe to piss out at, and thy cods for a wallet of lesser value + than a beggar’s scrip. This is a certain truth I tell thee, friend, + and doubt not of it; for myself have seen the sad experiment thereof in + many, who cannot now do what they would, because before they did not what + they might have done: Ex desuetudine amittuntur privilegia. Non-usage + oftentimes destroys one’s right, say the learned doctors of the law; + therefore, my billy, entertain as well as possibly thou canst that + hypogastrian lower sort of troglodytic people, that their chief pleasure + may be placed in the case of sempiternal labouring. Give order that + henceforth they live not, like idle gentlemen, idly upon their rents and + revenues, but that they may work for their livelihood by breaking ground + within the Paphian trenches. Nay truly, answered Panurge, Friar John, my + left ballock, I will believe thee, for thou dealest plain with me, and + fallest downright square upon the business, without going about the bush + with frivolous circumstances and unnecessary reservations. Thou with the + splendour of a piercing wit hast dissipated all the lowering clouds of + anxious apprehensions and suspicions which did intimidate and terrify me; + therefore the heavens be pleased to grant to thee at all she-conflicts a + stiff-standing fortune. Well then, as thou hast said, so will I do; I + will, in good faith, marry,—in that point there shall be no failing, + I promise thee,—and shall have always by me pretty girls clothed + with the name of my wife’s waiting-maids, that, lying under thy + wings, thou mayest be night-protector of their sisterhood. + </p> + <p> + Let this serve for the first part of the sermon. Hearken, quoth Friar + John, to the oracle of the bells of Varenes. What say they? I hear and + understand them, quoth Panurge; their sound is, by my thirst, more + uprightly fatidical than that of Jove’s great kettles in Dodona. + Hearken! Take thee a wife, take thee a wife, and marry, marry, marry; for + if thou marry, thou shalt find good therein, herein, here in a wife thou + shalt find good; so marry, marry. I will assure thee that I shall be + married; all the elements invite and prompt me to it. Let this word be to + thee a brazen wall, by diffidence not to be broken through. As for the + second part of this our doctrine,—thou seemest in some measure to + mistrust the readiness of my paternity in the practising of my + placket-racket within the Aphrodisian tennis-court at all times fitting, + as if the stiff god of gardens were not favourable to me. I pray thee, + favour me so much as to believe that I still have him at a beck, attending + always my commandments, docile, obedient, vigorous, and active in all + things and everywhere, and never stubborn or refractory to my will or + pleasure. I need no more but to let go the reins, and slacken the leash, + which is the belly-point, and when the game is shown unto him, say, Hey, + Jack, to thy booty! he will not fail even then to flesh himself upon his + prey, and tuzzle it to some purpose. Hereby you may perceive, although my + future wife were as unsatiable and gluttonous in her voluptuousness and + the delights of venery as ever was the Empress Messalina, or yet the + Marchioness (of Oincester) in England, and I desire thee to give credit to + it, that I lack not for what is requisite to overlay the stomach of her + lust, but have wherewith aboundingly to please her. I am not ignorant that + Solomon said, who indeed of that matter speaketh clerklike and learnedly,—as + also how Aristotle after him declared for a truth that, for the greater + part, the lechery of a woman is ravenous and unsatisfiable. Nevertheless, + let such as are my friends who read those passages receive from me for a + most real verity, that I for such a Jill have a fit Jack; and that, if + women’s things cannot be satiated, I have an instrument + indefatigable,—an implement as copious in the giving as can in + craving be their vade mecums. Do not here produce ancient examples of the + paragons of paillardice, and offer to match with my testiculatory ability + the Priapaean prowess of the fabulous fornicators, Hercules, Proculus + Caesar, and Mahomet, who in his Alkoran doth vaunt that in his cods he had + the vigour of three score bully ruffians; but let no zealous Christian + trust the rogue,—the filthy ribald rascal is a liar. Nor shalt thou + need to urge authorities, or bring forth the instance of the Indian prince + of whom Theophrastus, Plinius, and Athenaeus testify, that with the help + of a certain herb he was able, and had given frequent experiments thereof, + to toss his sinewy piece of generation in the act of carnal concupiscence + above three score and ten times in the space of four-and-twenty hours. Of + that I believe nothing, the number is supposititious, and too prodigally + foisted in. Give no faith unto it, I beseech thee, but prithee trust me in + this, and thy credulity therein shall not be wronged, for it is true, and + probatum est, that my pioneer of nature—the sacred ithyphallian + champion —is of all stiff-intruding blades the primest. Come hither, + my ballocket, and hearken. Didst thou ever see the monk of Castre’s + cowl? When in any house it was laid down, whether openly in the view of + all or covertly out of the sight of any, such was the ineffable virtue + thereof for excitating and stirring up the people of both sexes unto + lechery, that the whole inhabitants and indwellers, not only of that, but + likewise of all the circumjacent places thereto, within three leagues + around it, did suddenly enter into rut, both beasts and folks, men and + women, even to the dogs and hogs, rats and cats. + </p> + <p> + I swear to thee that many times heretofore I have perceived and found in + my codpiece a certain kind of energy or efficacious virtue much more + irregular and of a greater anomaly than what I have related. I will not + speak to thee either of house or cottage, nor of church or market, but + only tell thee, that once at the representation of the Passion, which was + acted at Saint Maxents, I had no sooner entered within the pit of the + theatre, but that forthwith, by the virtue and occult property of it, on a + sudden all that were there, both players and spectators, did fall into + such an exorbitant temptation of lust, that there was not angel, man, + devil, nor deviless upon the place who would not then have bricollitched + it with all their heart and soul. The prompter forsook his copy, he who + played Michael’s part came down to rights, the devils issued out of + hell and carried along with them most of the pretty little girls that were + there; yea, Lucifer got out of his fetters; in a word, seeing the huge + disorder, I disparked myself forth of that enclosed place, in imitation of + Cato the Censor, who perceiving, by reason of his presence, the Floralian + festivals out of order, withdrew himself. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0028" id="link32HCH0028"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XXVIII.—How Friar John comforteth Panurge in the doubtful + matter of cuckoldry. + </h2> + <p> + I understand thee well enough, said Friar John; but time makes all things + plain. The most durable marble or porphyry is subject to old age and + decay. Though for the present thou possibly be not weary of the exercise, + yet is it like I will hear thee confess a few years hence that thy cods + hang dangling downwards for want of a better truss. I see thee waxing a + little hoar-headed already. Thy beard, by the distinction of grey, white, + tawny, and black, hath to my thinking the resemblance of a map of the + terrestrial globe or geographical chart. Look attentively upon and take + inspection of what I shall show unto thee. Behold there Asia. Here are + Tigris and Euphrates. Lo there Afric. Here is the mountain of the Moon, + —yonder thou mayst perceive the fenny march of Nilus. On this side + lieth Europe. Dost thou not see the Abbey of Theleme? This little tuft, + which is altogether white, is the Hyperborean Hills. By the thirst of my + thropple, friend, when snow is on the mountains, I say the head and the + chin, there is not then any considerable heat to be expected in the + valleys and low countries of the codpiece. By the kibes of thy heels, + quoth Panurge, thou dost not understand the topics. When snow is on the + tops of the hills, lightning, thunder, tempest, whirlwinds, storms, + hurricanes, and all the devils of hell rage in the valleys. Wouldst thou + see the experience thereof, go to the territory of the Switzers and + earnestly perpend with thyself there the situation of the lake of + Wunderberlich, about four leagues distant from Berne, on the Syon-side of + the land. Thou twittest me with my grey hairs, yet considerest not how I + am of the nature of leeks, which with a white head carry a green, fresh, + straight, and vigorous tail. The truth is, nevertheless (why should I deny + it), that I now and then discern in myself some indicative signs of old + age. Tell this, I prithee, to nobody, but let it be kept very close and + secret betwixt us two; for I find the wine much sweeter now, more savoury + to my taste, and unto my palate of a better relish than formerly I was + wont to do; and withal, besides mine accustomed manner, I have a more + dreadful apprehension than I ever heretofore have had of lighting on bad + wine. Note and observe that this doth argue and portend I know not what of + the west and occident of my time, and signifieth that the south and + meridian of mine age is past. But what then, my gentle companion? That + doth but betoken that I will hereafter drink so much the more. That is + not, the devil hale it, the thing that I fear; nor is it there where my + shoe pinches. The thing that I doubt most, and have greatest reason to + dread and suspect is, that through some long absence of our King + Pantagruel (to whom I must needs bear company should he go to all the + devils of Barathrum), my future wife shall make me a cuckold. This is, in + truth, the long and short on’t. For I am by all those whom I have + spoke to menaced and threatened with a horned fortune, and all of them + affirm it is the lot to which from heaven I am predestinated. Everyone, + answered Friar John, that would be a cuckold is not one. If it be thy fate + to be hereafter of the number of that horned cattle, then may I conclude + with an Ergo, thy wife will be beautiful, and Ergo, thou wilt be kindly + used by her. Likewise with this Ergo, thou shalt be blessed with the + fruition of many friends and well-willers. And finally with this other + Ergo, thou shalt be saved and have a place in Paradise. These are monachal + topics and maxims of the cloister. Thou mayst take more liberty to sin. + Thou shalt be more at ease than ever. There will be never the less left + for thee, nothing diminished, but thy goods shall increase notably. And if + so be it was preordinated for thee, wouldst thou be so impious as not to + acquiesce in thy destiny? Speak, thou jaded cod. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Faded C. Louting C. Appellant C. +Mouldy C. Discouraged C. Swagging C. +Musty C. Surfeited C. Withered C. +Paltry C. Peevish C. Broken-reined C. +Senseless C. Translated C. Defective C. +Foundered C. Forlorn C. Crestfallen C. +Distempered C. Unsavoury C. Felled C. +Bewrayed C. Worm-eaten C. Fleeted C. +Inveigled C. Overtoiled C. Cloyed C. +Dangling C. Miserable C. Squeezed C. +Stupid C. Steeped C. Resty C. +Seedless C. Kneaded-with-cold- Pounded C. +Soaked C. water C. Loose C. +Coldish C. Hacked C. Fruitless C. +Pickled C. Flaggy C. Riven C. +Churned C. Scrubby C. Pursy C. +Filliped C. Drained C. Fusty C. +Singlefied C. Haled C. Jadish C. +Begrimed C. Lolling C. Fistulous C. +Wrinkled C. Drenched C. Languishing C. +Fainted C. Burst C. Maleficiated C. +Extenuated C. Stirred up C. Hectic C. +Grim C. Mitred C. Worn out C. +Wasted C. Peddlingly furnished Ill-favoured C. +Inflamed C. C. Duncified C. +Unhinged C. Rusty C. Macerated C. +Scurfy C. Exhausted C. Paralytic C. +Straddling C. Perplexed C. Degraded C. +Putrefied C. Unhelved C. Benumbed C. +Maimed C. Fizzled C. Bat-like C. +Overlechered C. Leprous C. Fart-shotten C. +Druggely C. Bruised C. Sunburnt C. +Mitified C. Spadonic C. Pacified C. +Goat-ridden C. Boughty C. Blunted C. +Weakened C. Mealy C. Rankling tasted C. +Ass-ridden C. Wrangling C. Rooted out C. +Puff-pasted C. Gangrened C. Costive C. +St. Anthonified C. Crust-risen C. Hailed on C. +Untriped C. Ragged C. Cuffed C. +Blasted C. Quelled C. Buffeted C. +Cut off C. Braggadocio C. Whirreted C. +Beveraged C. Beggarly C. Robbed C. +Scarified C. Trepanned C. Neglected C. +Dashed C. Bedusked C. Lame C. +Slashed C. Emasculated C. Confused C. +Enfeebled C. Corked C. Unsavoury C. +Whore-hunting C. Transparent C. Overthrown C. +Deteriorated C. Vile C. Boulted C. +Chill C. Antedated C. Trod under C. +Scrupulous C. Chopped C. Desolate C. +Crazed C. Pinked C. Declining C. +Tasteless C. Cup-glassified C. Stinking C. +Sorrowful C. Harsh C. Crooked C. +Murdered C. Beaten C. Brabbling C. +Matachin-like C. Barred C. Rotten C. +Besotted C. Abandoned C. Anxious C. +Customerless C. Confounded C. Clouted C. +Minced C. Loutish C. Tired C. +Exulcerated C. Borne down C. Proud C. +Patched C. Sparred C. Fractured C. +Stupified C. Abashed C. Melancholy C. +Annihilated C. Unseasonable C. Coxcombly C. +Spent C. Oppressed C. Base C. +Foiled C. Grated C. Bleaked C. +Anguished C. Falling away C. Detested C. +Disfigured C. Smallcut C. Diaphanous C. +Disabled C. Disordered C. Unworthy C. +Forceless C. Latticed C. Checked C. +Censured C. Ruined C. Mangled C. +Cut C. Exasperated C. Turned over C. +Rifled C. Rejected C. Harried C. +Undone C. Belammed C. Flawed C. +Corrected C. Fabricitant C. Froward C. +Slit C. Perused C. Ugly C. +Skittish C. Emasculated C. Drawn C. +Spongy C. Roughly handled C. Riven C. +Botched C. Examined C. Distasteful C. +Dejected C. Cracked C. Hanging C. +Jagged C. Wayward C. Broken C. +Pining C. Haggled C. Limber C. +Deformed C. Gleaning C. Effeminate C. +Mischieved C. Ill-favoured C. Kindled C. +Cobbled C. Pulled C. Evacuated C. +Embased C. Drooping C. Grieved C. +Ransacked C. Faint C. Carking C. +Despised C. Parched C. Disorderly C. +Mangy C. Paltry C. Empty C. +Abased C. Cankered C. Disquieted C. +Supine C. Void C. Besysted C. +Mended C. Vexed C. Confounded C. +Dismayed C. Bestunk C. Hooked C. +Divorous C. Winnowed C. Unlucky C. +Wearied C. Decayed C. Sterile C. +Sad C. Disastrous C. Beshitten C. +Cross C. Unhandsome C. Appeased C. +Vain-glorious C. Stummed C. Caitiff C. +Poor C. Barren C. Woeful C. +Brown C. Wretched C. Unseemly C. +Shrunken C. Feeble C. Heavy C. +Abhorred C. Cast down C. Weak C. +Troubled C. Stopped C. Prostrated C. +Scornful C. Kept under C. Uncomely C. +Dishonest C. Stubborn C. Naughty C. +Reproved C. Ground C. Laid flat C. +Cocketed C. Retchless C. Suffocated C. +Filthy C. Weather-beaten C. Held down C. +Shred C. Flayed C. Barked C. +Chawned C. Bald C. Hairless C. +Short-winded C. Tossed C. Flamping C. +Branchless C. Flapping C. Hooded C. +Chapped C. Cleft C. Wormy C. +Failing C. Meagre C. Besysted C. +</pre> + <p> + (In his anxiety to swell his catalogue as much as possible, Sir Thomas + Urquhart has set down this word twice.) + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Deficient C. Dumpified C. Faulty C. +Lean C. Suppressed C. Bemealed C. +Consumed C. Hagged C. Mortified C. +Used C. Jawped C. Scurvy C. +Puzzled C. Havocked C. Bescabbed C. +Allayed C. Astonished C. Torn C. +Spoiled C. Dulled C. Subdued C. +Clagged C. Slow C. Sneaking C. +Palsy-stricken C. Plucked up C. Bare C. +Amazed C. Constipated C. Swart C. +Bedunsed C. Blown C. Smutched C. +Extirpated C. Blockified C. Raised up C. +Banged C. Pommelled C. Chopped C. +Stripped C. All-to-bemauled C. Flirted C. +Hoary C. Fallen away C. Blained C. +Blotted C. Stale C. Rensy C. +Sunk in C. Corrupted C. Frowning C. +Ghastly C. Beflowered C. Limping C. +Unpointed C. Amated C. Ravelled C. +Beblistered C. Blackish C. Rammish C. +Wizened C. Underlaid C. Gaunt C. +Beggar-plated C. Loathing C. Beskimmered C. +Douf C. Ill-filled C. Scraggy C. +Clarty C. Bobbed C. Lank C. +Lumpish C. Mated C. Swashering C. +Abject C. Tawny C. Moiling C. +Side C. Whealed C. Swinking C. +Choked up C. Besmeared C. Harried C. +Backward C. Hollow C. Tugged C. +Prolix C. Pantless C. Towed C. +Spotted C. Guizened C. Misused C. +Crumpled C. Demiss C. Adamitical C. +Frumpled C. Refractory C. +</pre> + <p> + Ballockatso to the devil, my dear friend Panurge, seeing it is so decreed + by the gods, wouldst thou invert the course of the planets, and make them + retrograde? Wouldst thou disorder all the celestial spheres, blame the + intelligences, blunt the spindles, joint the wherves, slander the spinning + quills, reproach the bobbins, revile the clew-bottoms, and finally ravel + and untwist all the threads of both the warp and the waft of the weird + Sister-Parcae? What a pox to thy bones dost thou mean, stony cod? Thou + wouldst if thou couldst, a great deal worse than the giants of old + intended to have done. Come hither, billicullion. Whether wouldst thou be + jealous without cause, or be a cuckold and know nothing of it? Neither the + one nor the other, quoth Panurge, would I choose to be. But if I get an + inkling of the matter, I will provide well enough, or there shall not be + one stick of wood within five hundred leagues about me whereof to make a + cudgel. In good faith, Friar John, I speak now seriously unto thee, I + think it will be my best not to marry. Hearken to what the bells do tell + me, now that we are nearer to them! Do not marry, marry not, not, not, + not, not; marry, marry not, not, not, not, not. If thou marry, thou wilt + miscarry, carry, carry; thou’lt repent it, resent it, sent it! If + thou marry, thou a cuckold, a cou-cou-cuckoo, cou-cou-cuckold thou shalt + be. By the worthy wrath of God, I begin to be angry. This campanilian + oracle fretteth me to the guts,—a March hare was never in such a + chafe as I am. O how I am vexed! You monks and friars of the cowl-pated + and hood-polled fraternity, have you no remedy nor salve against this + malady of graffing horns in heads? Hath nature so abandoned humankind, and + of her help left us so destitute, that married men cannot know how to sail + through the seas of this mortal life and be safe from the whirlpools, + quicksands, rocks, and banks that lie alongst the coast of Cornwall. + </p> + <p> + I will, said Friar John, show thee a way and teach thee an expedient by + means whereof thy wife shall never make thee a cuckold without thy + knowledge and thine own consent. Do me the favour, I pray thee, quoth + Panurge, my pretty, soft, downy cod; now tell it, billy, tell it, I + beseech thee. Take, quoth Friar John, Hans Carvel’s ring upon thy + finger, who was the King of Melinda’s chief jeweller. Besides that + this Hans Carvel had the reputation of being very skilful and expert in + the lapidary’s profession, he was a studious, learned, and ingenious + man, a scientific person, full of knowledge, a great philosopher, of a + sound judgment, of a prime wit, good sense, clear spirited, an honest + creature, courteous, charitable, a giver of alms, and of a jovial humour, + a boon companion, and a merry blade, if ever there was any in the world. + He was somewhat gorbellied, had a little shake in his head, and was in + effect unwieldy of his body. In his old age he took to wife the Bailiff of + Concordat’s daughter, young, fair, jolly, gallant, spruce, frisk, + brisk, neat, feat, smirk, smug, compt, quaint, gay, fine, tricksy, trim, + decent, proper, graceful, handsome, beautiful, comely, and kind—a + little too much—to her neighbours and acquaintance. + </p> + <p> + Hereupon it fell out, after the expiring of a scantling of weeks, that + Master Carvel became as jealous as a tiger, and entered into a very + profound suspicion that his new-married gixy did keep a-buttock-stirring + with others. To prevent which inconveniency he did tell her many tragical + stories of the total ruin of several kingdoms by adultery; did read unto + her the legend of chaste wives; then made some lectures to her in the + praise of the choice virtue of pudicity, and did present her with a book + in commendation of conjugal fidelity; wherein the wickedness of all + licentious women was odiously detested; and withal he gave her a chain + enriched with pure oriental sapphires. Notwithstanding all this, he found + her always more and more inclined to the reception of her neighbour + copes-mates, that day by day his jealousy increased. In sequel whereof, + one night as he was lying by her, whilst in his sleep the rambling fancies + of the lecherous deportments of his wife did take up the cellules of his + brain, he dreamt that he encountered with the devil, to whom he had + discovered to the full the buzzing of his head and suspicion that his wife + did tread her shoe awry. The devil, he thought, in this perplexity did for + his comfort give him a ring, and therewithal did kindly put it on his + middle finger, saying, Hans Carvel, I give thee this ring,—whilst + thou carriest it upon that finger, thy wife shall never carnally be known + by any other than thyself without thy special knowledge and consent. + Gramercy, quoth Hans Carvel, my lord devil, I renounce Mahomet if ever it + shall come off my finger. The devil vanished, as is his custom; and then + Hans Carvel, full of joy awaking, found that his middle finger was as far + as it could reach within the what-do-by-call-it of his wife. I did forget + to tell thee how his wife, as soon as she had felt the finger there, said, + in recoiling her buttocks, Off, yes, nay, tut, pish, tush, ay, lord, that + is not the thing which should be put up in that place. With this Hans + Carvel thought that some pilfering fellow was about to take the ring from + him. Is not this an infallible and sovereign antidote? Therefore, if thou + wilt believe me, in imitation of this example never fail to have + continually the ring of thy wife’s commodity upon thy finger. When + that was said, their discourse and their way ended. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0029" id="link32HCH0029"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XXIX.—How Pantagruel convocated together a theologian, + physician, lawyer, and philosopher, for extricating Panurge out of the + perplexity wherein he was. + </h2> + <p> + No sooner were they come into the royal palace, but they to the full made + report unto Pantagruel of the success of their expedition, and showed him + the response of Raminagrobis. When Pantagruel had read it over and over + again, the oftener he perused it being the better pleased therewith, he + said, in addressing his speech to Panurge, I have not as yet seen any + answer framed to your demand which affordeth me more contentment. For in + this his succinct copy of verses, he summarily and briefly, yet fully + enough expresseth how he would have us to understand that everyone in the + project and enterprise of marriage ought to be his own carver, sole + arbitrator of his proper thoughts, and from himself alone take counsel in + the main and peremptory closure of what his determination should be, in + either his assent to or dissent from it. Such always hath been my opinion + to you, and when at first you spoke thereof to me I truly told you this + same very thing; but tacitly you scorned my advice, and would not harbour + it within your mind. I know for certain, and therefore may I with the + greater confidence utter my conception of it, that philauty, or self-love, + is that which blinds your judgment and deceiveth you. + </p> + <p> + Let us do otherwise, and that is this: Whatever we are, or have, + consisteth in three things—the soul, the body, and the goods. Now, + for the preservation of these three, there are three sorts of learned men + ordained, each respectively to have care of that one which is recommended + to his charge. Theologues are appointed for the soul, physicians for the + welfare of the body, and lawyers for the safety of our goods. Hence it is + that it is my resolution to have on Sunday next with me at dinner a + divine, a physician, and a lawyer, that with those three assembled thus + together we may in every point and particle confer at large of your + perplexity. By Saint Picot, answered Panurge, we never shall do any good + that way, I see it already. And you see yourself how the world is vilely + abused, as when with a foxtail one claps another’s breech to cajole + him. We give our souls to keep to the theologues, who for the greater part + are heretics. Our bodies we commit to the physicians, who never themselves + take any physic. And then we entrust our goods to the lawyers, who never + go to law against one another. You speak like a courtier, quoth + Pantagruel. But the first point of your assertion is to be denied; for we + daily see how good theologues make it their chief business, their whole + and sole employment, by their deeds, their words, and writings, to + extirpate errors and heresies out of the hearts of men, and in their stead + profoundly plant the true and lively faith. The second point you spoke of + I commend; for, whereas the professors of the art of medicine give so good + order to the prophylactic, or conservative part of their faculty, in what + concerneth their proper healths, that they stand in no need of making use + of the other branch, which is the curative or therapeutic, by medicaments. + As for the third, I grant it to be true, for learned advocates and + counsellors at law are so much taken up with the affairs of others in + their consultations, pleadings, and such-like patrocinations of those who + are their clients, that they have no leisure to attend any controversies + of their own. Therefore, on the next ensuing Sunday, let the divine be our + godly Father Hippothadee, the physician our honest Master Rondibilis, and + our legist our friend Bridlegoose. Nor will it be (to my thinking) amiss, + that we enter into the Pythagoric field, and choose for an assistant to + the three afore-named doctors our ancient faithful acquaintance, the + philosopher Trouillogan; especially seeing a perfect philosopher, such as + is Trouillogan, is able positively to resolve all whatsoever doubts you + can propose. Carpalin, have you a care to have them here all four on + Sunday next at dinner, without fail. + </p> + <p> + I believe, quoth Epistemon, that throughout the whole country, in all the + corners thereof, you could not have pitched upon such other four. Which I + speak not so much in regard of the most excellent qualifications and + accomplishments wherewith all of them are endowed for the respective + discharge and management of each his own vocation and calling (wherein + without all doubt or controversy they are the paragons of the land, and + surpass all others), as for that Rondibilis is married now, who before was + not,—Hippothadee was not before, nor is yet,—Bridlegoose was + married once, but is not now,—and Trouillogan is married now, who + wedded was to another wife before. Sir, if it may stand with your good + liking, I will ease Carpalin of some parcel of his labour, and invite + Bridlegoose myself, with whom I of a long time have had a very intimate + familiarity, and unto whom I am to speak on the behalf of a pretty hopeful + youth who now studieth at Toulouse, under the most learned virtuous doctor + Boissonet. Do what you deem most expedient, quoth Pantagruel, and tell me + if my recommendation can in anything be steadable for the promoval of the + good of that youth, or otherwise serve for bettering of the dignity and + office of the worthy Boissonet, whom I do so love and respect for one of + the ablest and most sufficient in his way that anywhere are extant. Sir, I + will use therein my best endeavours, and heartily bestir myself about it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0030" id="link32HCH0030"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XXX.—How the theologue, Hippothadee, giveth counsel to + Panurge in the matter and business of his nuptial enterprise. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link3image-0008" id="link3image-0008"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/3-30-322.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Rondibilus the Physician--3-30-322" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + The dinner on the subsequent Sunday was no sooner made ready than that the + afore-named invited guests gave thereto their appearance, all of them, + Bridlegoose only excepted, who was the deputy-governor of Fonsbeton. At + the ushering in of the second service Panurge, making a low reverence, + spake thus: Gentlemen, the question I am to propound unto you shall be + uttered in very few words—Should I marry or no? If my doubt herein + be not resolved by you, I shall hold it altogether insolvable, as are the + Insolubilia de Aliaco; for all of you are elected, chosen, and culled out + from amongst others, everyone in his own condition and quality, like so + many picked peas on a carpet. + </p> + <p> + The Father Hippothadee, in obedience to the bidding of Pantagruel, and + with much courtesy to the company, answered exceeding modestly after this + manner: My friend, you are pleased to ask counsel of us; but first you + must consult with yourself. Do you find any trouble or disquiet in your + body by the importunate stings and pricklings of the flesh? That I do, + quoth Panurge, in a hugely strong and almost irresistible measure. Be not + offended, I beseech you, good father, at the freedom of my expression. No + truly, friend, not I, quoth Hippothadee, there is no reason why I should + be displeased therewith. But in this carnal strife and debate of yours + have you obtained from God the gift and special grace of continency? In + good faith, not, quoth Panurge. My counsel to you in that case, my friend, + is that you marry, quoth Hippothadee; for you should rather choose to + marry once than to burn still in fires of concupiscence. Then Panurge, + with a jovial heart and a loud voice, cried out, That is spoke gallantly, + without circumbilivaginating about and about, and never hitting it in its + centred point. Gramercy, my good father! In truth I am resolved now to + marry, and without fail I shall do it quickly. I invite you to my wedding. + By the body of a hen, we shall make good cheer, and be as merry as + crickets. You shall wear the bridegroom’s colours, and, if we eat a + goose, my wife shall not roast it for me. I will entreat you to lead up + the first dance of the bridesmaids, if it may please you to do me so much + favour and honour. There resteth yet a small difficulty, a little scruple, + yea, even less than nothing, whereof I humbly crave your resolution. Shall + I be a cuckold, father, yea or no? By no means, answered Hippothadee, will + you be cuckolded, if it please God. O the Lord help us now, quoth Panurge; + whither are we driven to, good folks? To the conditionals, which, + according to the rules and precepts of the dialectic faculty, admit of all + contradictions and impossibilities. If my Transalpine mule had wings, my + Transalpine mule would fly, if it please God, I shall not be a cuckold; + but I shall be a cuckold, if it please him. Good God, if this were a + condition which I knew how to prevent, my hopes should be as high as ever, + nor would I despair. But you here send me to God’s privy council, to + the closet of his little pleasures. You, my French countrymen, which is + the way you take to go thither? + </p> + <p> + My honest father, I believe it will be your best not to come to my + wedding. The clutter and dingle-dangle noise of marriage guests will but + disturb you, and break the serious fancies of your brain. You love repose, + with solitude and silence; I really believe you will not come. And then + you dance but indifferently, and would be out of countenance at the first + entry. I will send you some good things to your chamber, together with the + bride’s favour, and there you may drink our health, if it may stand + with your good liking. My friend, quoth Hippothadee, take my words in the + sense wherein I meant them, and do not misinterpret me. When I tell you,—If + it please God,—do I to you any wrong therein? Is it an ill + expression? Is it a blaspheming clause or reserve any way scandalous unto + the world? Do not we thereby honour the Lord God Almighty, Creator, + Protector, and Conserver of all things? Is not that a mean whereby we do + acknowledge him to be the sole giver of all whatsoever is good? Do not we + in that manifest our faith that we believe all things to depend upon his + infinite and incomprehensible bounty, and that without him nothing can be + produced, nor after its production be of any value, force, or power, + without the concurring aid and favour of his assisting grace? Is it not a + canonical and authentic exception, worthy to be premised to all our + undertakings? Is it not expedient that what we propose unto ourselves be + still referred to what shall be disposed of by the sacred will of God, + unto which all things must acquiesce in the heavens as well as on the + earth? Is not that verily a sanctifying of his holy name? My friend, you + shall not be a cuckold, if it please God, nor shall we need to despair of + the knowledge of his good will and pleasure herein, as if it were such an + abstruse and mysteriously hidden secret that for the clear understanding + thereof it were necessary to consult with those of his celestial privy + council, or expressly make a voyage unto the empyrean chamber where order + is given for the effectuating of his most holy pleasures. The great God + hath done us this good, that he hath declared and revealed them to us + openly and plainly, and described them in the Holy Bible. There will you + find that you shall never be a cuckold, that is to say, your wife shall + never be a strumpet, if you make choice of one of a commendable + extraction, descended of honest parents, and instructed in all piety and + virtue—such a one as hath not at any time haunted or frequented the + company or conversation of those that are of corrupt and depraved manners, + one loving and fearing God, who taketh a singular delight in drawing near + to him by faith and the cordial observing of his sacred commandments—and + finally, one who, standing in awe of the Divine Majesty of the Most High, + will be loth to offend him and lose the favourable kindness of his grace + through any defect of faith or transgression against the ordinances of his + holy law, wherein adultery is most rigorously forbidden and a close + adherence to her husband alone most strictly and severely enjoined; yea, + in such sort that she is to cherish, serve, and love him above anything, + next to God, that meriteth to be beloved. In the interim, for the better + schooling of her in these instructions, and that the wholesome doctrine of + a matrimonial duty may take the deeper root in her mind, you must needs + carry yourself so on your part, and your behaviour is to be such, that you + are to go before her in a good example, by entertaining her unfeignedly + with a conjugal amity, by continually approving yourself in all your words + and actions a faithful and discreet husband; and by living, not only at + home and privately with your own household and family, but in the face + also of all men and open view of the world, devoutly, virtuously, and + chastely, as you would have her on her side to deport and to demean + herself towards you, as becomes a godly, loyal, and respectful wife, who + maketh conscience to keep inviolable the tie of a matrimonial oath. For as + that looking-glass is not the best which is most decked with gold and + precious stones, but that which representeth to the eye the liveliest + shapes of objects set before it, even so that wife should not be most + esteemed who richest is and of the noblest race, but she who, fearing God, + conforms herself nearest unto the humour of her husband. + </p> + <p> + Consider how the moon doth not borrow her light from Jupiter, Mars, + Mercury, or any other of the planets, nor yet from any of those splendid + stars which are set in the spangled firmament, but from her husband only, + the bright sun, which she receiveth from him more or less, according to + the manner of his aspect and variously bestowed eradiations. Just so + should you be a pattern to your wife in virtue, goodly zeal, and true + devotion, that by your radiance in darting on her the aspect of an + exemplary goodness, she, in your imitation, may outshine the luminaries of + all other women. To this effect you daily must implore God’s grace + to the protection of you both. You would have me then, quoth Panurge, + twisting the whiskers of his beard on either side with the thumb and + forefinger of his left hand, to espouse and take to wife the prudent + frugal woman described by Solomon. Without all doubt she is dead, and + truly to my best remembrance I never saw her; the Lord forgive me! + Nevertheless, I thank you, father. Eat this slice of marchpane, it will + help your digestion; then shall you be presented with a cup of claret + hippocras, which is right healthful and stomachal. Let us proceed. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0031" id="link32HCH0031"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XXXI.—How the physician Rondibilis counselleth Panurge. + </h2> + <p> + Panurge, continuing his discourse, said, The first word which was spoken + by him who gelded the lubberly, quaffing monks of Saussiniac, after that + he had unstoned Friar Cauldaureil, was this, To the rest. In like manner, + I say, To the rest. Therefore I beseech you, my good Master Rondibilis, + should I marry or not? By the raking pace of my mule, quoth Rondibilis, I + know not what answer to make to this problem of yours. + </p> + <p> + You say that you feel in you the pricking stings of sensuality, by which + you are stirred up to venery. I find in our faculty of medicine, and we + have founded our opinion therein upon the deliberate resolution and final + decision of the ancient Platonics, that carnal concupiscence is cooled and + quelled five several ways. + </p> + <p> + First, By the means of wine. I shall easily believe that, quoth Friar + John, for when I am well whittled with the juice of the grape I care for + nothing else, so I may sleep. When I say, quoth Rondibilis, that wine + abateth lust, my meaning is, wine immoderately taken; for by intemperancy + proceeding from the excessive drinking of strong liquor there is brought + upon the body of such a swill-down boozer a chillness in the blood, a + slackening in the sinews, a dissipation of the generative seed, a numbness + and hebetation of the senses, with a perversive wryness and convulsion of + the muscles—all which are great lets and impediments to the act of + generation. Hence it is that Bacchus, the god of bibbers, tipplers, and + drunkards, is most commonly painted beardless and clad in a woman’s + habit, as a person altogether effeminate, or like a libbed eunuch. Wine, + nevertheless, taken moderately, worketh quite contrary effects, as is + implied by the old proverb, which saith that Venus takes cold when not + accompanied with Ceres and Bacchus. This opinion is of great antiquity, as + appeareth by the testimony of Diodorus the Sicilian, and confirmed by + Pausanias, and universally held amongst the Lampsacians, that Don Priapus + was the son of Bacchus and Venus. + </p> + <p> + Secondly, The fervency of lust is abated by certain drugs, plants, herbs, + and roots, which make the taker cold, maleficiated, unfit for, and unable + to perform the act of generation; as hath been often experimented in the + water-lily, heraclea, agnus castus, willow-twigs, hemp-stalks, woodbine, + honeysuckle, tamarisk, chaste tree, mandrake, bennet, keckbugloss, the + skin of a hippopotam, and many other such, which, by convenient doses + proportioned to the peccant humour and constitution of the patient, being + duly and seasonably received within the body—what by their + elementary virtues on the one side and peculiar properties on the other—do + either benumb, mortify, and beclumpse with cold the prolific semence, or + scatter and disperse the spirits which ought to have gone along with and + conducted the sperm to the places destined and appointed for its + reception, or lastly, shut up, stop, and obstruct the ways, passages, and + conduits through which the seed should have been expelled, evacuated, and + ejected. We have nevertheless of those ingredients which, being of a + contrary operation, heat the blood, bend the nerves, unite the spirits, + quicken the senses, strengthen the muscles, and thereby rouse up, provoke, + excite, and enable a man to the vigorous accomplishment of the feat of + amorous dalliance. I have no need of those, quoth Panurge, God be thanked, + and you, my good master. Howsoever, I pray you, take no exception or + offence at these my words; for what I have said was not out of any illwill + I did bear to you, the Lord he knows. + </p> + <p> + Thirdly, The ardour of lechery is very much subdued and mated by frequent + labour and continual toiling. For by painful exercises and laborious + working so great a dissolution is brought upon the whole body, that the + blood, which runneth alongst the channels of the veins thereof for the + nourishment and alimentation of each of its members, hath neither time, + leisure, nor power to afford the seminal resudation, or superfluity of the + third concoction, which nature most carefully reserves for the + conservation of the individual, whose preservation she more heedfully + regardeth than the propagating of the species and the multiplication of + humankind. Whence it is that Diana is said to be chaste, because she is + never idle, but always busied about her hunting. For the same reason was a + camp or leaguer of old called castrum, as if they would have said castum; + because the soldiers, wrestlers, runners, throwers of the bar, and other + such-like athletic champions as are usually seen in a military + circumvallation, do incessantly travail and turmoil, and are in a + perpetual stir and agitation. To this purpose Hippocrates also writeth in + his book, De Aere, Aqua et Locis, that in his time there were people in + Scythia as impotent as eunuchs in the discharge of a venerean exploit, + because that without any cessation, pause, or respite they were never from + off horseback, or otherwise assiduously employed in some troublesome and + molesting drudgery. + </p> + <p> + On the other part, in opposition and repugnancy hereto, the philosophers + say that idleness is the mother of luxury. When it was asked Ovid, Why + Aegisthus became an adulterer? he made no other answer but this, Because + he was idle. Who were able to rid the world of loitering and laziness + might easily frustrate and disappoint Cupid of all his designs, aims, + engines, and devices, and so disable and appal him that his bow, quiver, + and darts should from thenceforth be a mere needless load and burden to + him, for that it could not then lie in his power to strike or wound any of + either sex with all the arms he had. He is not, I believe, so expert an + archer as that he can hit the cranes flying in the air, or yet the young + stags skipping through the thickets, as the Parthians knew well how to do; + that is to say, people moiling, stirring and hurrying up and down, + restless, and without repose. He must have those hushed, still, quiet, + lying at a stay, lither, and full of ease, whom he is able, though his + mother help him, to touch, much less to pierce with all his arrows. In + confirmation hereof, Theophrastus, being asked on a time what kind of + beast or thing he judged a toyish, wanton love to be? he made answer, that + it was a passion of idle and sluggish spirits. From which pretty + description of tickling love-tricks that of Diogenes’s hatching was + not very discrepant, when he defined lechery the occupation of folks + destitute of all other occupation. For this cause the Syconian engraver + Canachus, being desirous to give us to understand that sloth, drowsiness, + negligence, and laziness were the prime guardians and governesses of + ribaldry, made the statue of Venus, not standing, as other stone-cutters + had used to do, but sitting. + </p> + <p> + Fourthly, The tickling pricks of incontinency are blunted by an eager + study; for from thence proceedeth an incredible resolution of the spirits, + that oftentimes there do not remain so many behind as may suffice to push + and thrust forwards the generative resudation to the places thereto + appropriated, and therewithal inflate the cavernous nerve whose office is + to ejaculate the moisture for the propagation of human progeny. Lest you + should think it is not so, be pleased but to contemplate a little the + form, fashion, and carriage of a man exceeding earnestly set upon some + learned meditation, and deeply plunged therein, and you shall see how all + the arteries of his brains are stretched forth and bent like the string of + a crossbow, the more promptly, dexterously, and copiously to suppeditate, + furnish, and supply him with store of spirits sufficient to replenish and + fill up the ventricles, seats, tunnels, mansions, receptacles, and + cellules of the common sense,—of the imagination, apprehension, and + fancy,—of the ratiocination, arguing, and resolution,—as + likewise of the memory, recordation, and remembrance; and with great + alacrity, nimbleness, and agility to run, pass, and course from the one to + the other, through those pipes, windings, and conduits which to skilful + anatomists are perceivable at the end of the wonderful net where all the + arteries close in a terminating point; which arteries, taking their rise + and origin from the left capsule of the heart, bring through several + circuits, ambages, and anfractuosities, the vital, to subtilize and refine + them to the ethereal purity of animal spirits. Nay, in such a studiously + musing person you may espy so extravagant raptures of one as it were out + of himself, that all his natural faculties for that time will seem to be + suspended from each their proper charge and office, and his exterior + senses to be at a stand. In a word, you cannot otherwise choose than think + that he is by an extraordinary ecstasy quite transported out of what he + was, or should be; and that Socrates did not speak improperly when he said + that philosophy was nothing else but a meditation upon death. This + possibly is the reason why Democritus deprived himself of the sense of + seeing, prizing at a much lower rate the loss of his sight than the + diminution of his contemplations, which he frequently had found disturbed + by the vagrant, flying-out strayings of his unsettled and roving eyes. + Therefore is it that Pallas, the goddess of wisdom, tutoress and + guardianess of such as are diligently studious and painfully industrious, + is, and hath been still accounted a virgin. The Muses upon the same + consideration are esteemed perpetual maids; and the Graces, for the like + reason, have been held to continue in a sempiternal pudicity. + </p> + <p> + I remember to have read that Cupid, on a time being asked of his mother + Venus why he did not assault and set upon the Muses, his answer was that + he found them so fair, so sweet, so fine, so neat, so wise, so learned, so + modest, so discreet, so courteous, so virtuous, and so continually busied + and employed,—one in the speculation of the stars,—another in + the supputation of numbers,—the third in the dimension of + geometrical quantities,—the fourth in the composition of heroic + poems,—the fifth in the jovial interludes of a comic strain,—the + sixth in the stately gravity of a tragic vein,—the seventh in the + melodious disposition of musical airs,—the eighth in the completest + manner of writing histories and books on all sorts of subjects,—and + the ninth in the mysteries, secrets, and curiosities of all sciences, + faculties, disciplines, and arts whatsoever, whether liberal or mechanic,—that + approaching near unto them he unbended his bow, shut his quiver, and + extinguished his torch, through mere shame and fear that by mischance he + might do them some hurt or prejudice. Which done, he thereafter put off + the fillet wherewith his eyes were bound to look them in the face, and to + hear their melody and poetic odes. There took he the greatest pleasure in + the world, that many times he was transported with their beauty and pretty + behaviour, and charmed asleep by the harmony; so far was he from + assaulting them or interrupting their studies. Under this article may be + comprised what Hippocrates wrote in the afore-cited treatise concerning + the Scythians; as also that in a book of his entitled Of Breeding and + Production, where he hath affirmed all such men to be unfit for generation + as have their parotid arteries cut—whose situation is beside the + ears—for the reason given already when I was speaking of the + resolution of the spirits and of that spiritual blood whereof the arteries + are the sole and proper receptacles, and that likewise he doth maintain a + large portion of the parastatic liquor to issue and descend from the + brains and backbone. + </p> + <p> + Fifthly, By the too frequent reiteration of the act of venery. There did I + wait for you, quoth Panurge, and shall willingly apply it to myself, + whilst anyone that pleaseth may, for me, make use of any of the four + preceding. That is the very same thing, quoth Friar John, which Father + Scyllino, Prior of Saint Victor at Marseilles, calleth by the name of + maceration and taming of the flesh. I am of the same opinion,—and so + was the hermit of Saint Radegonde, a little above Chinon; for, quoth he, + the hermits of Thebaide can no more aptly or expediently macerate and + bring down the pride of their bodies, daunt and mortify their lecherous + sensuality, or depress and overcome the stubbornness and rebellion of the + flesh, than by duffling and fanfreluching it five-and-twenty or thirty + times a day. I see Panurge, quoth Rondibilis, neatly featured and + proportioned in all the members of his body, of a good temperament in his + humours, well-complexioned in his spirits, of a competent age, in an + opportune time, and of a reasonably forward mind to be married. Truly, if + he encounter with a wife of the like nature, temperament, and + constitution, he may beget upon her children worthy of some transpontine + monarchy; and the sooner he marry it will be the better for him, and the + more conducible for his profit if he would see and have his children in + his own time well provided for. Sir, my worthy master, quoth Panurge, I + will do it, do not you doubt thereof, and that quickly enough, I warrant + you. Nevertheless, whilst you were busied in the uttering of your learned + discourse, this flea which I have in mine ear hath tickled me more than + ever. I retain you in the number of my festival guests, and promise you + that we shall not want for mirth and good cheer enough, yea, over and + above the ordinary rate. And, if it may please you, desire your wife to + come along with you, together with her she-friends and neighbours—that + is to be understood—and there shall be fair play. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0032" id="link32HCH0032"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XXXII.—How Rondibilis declareth cuckoldry to be naturally + one of the appendances of marriage. + </h2> + <p> + There remaineth as yet, quoth Panurge, going on in his discourse, one + small scruple to be cleared. You have seen heretofore, I doubt not, in the + Roman standards, S.P.Q.R., Si, Peu, Que, Rien. Shall not I be a cuckold? + By the haven of safety, cried out Rondibilis, what is this you ask of me? + If you shall be a cuckold? My noble friend, I am married, and you are like + to be so very speedily; therefore be pleased, from my experiment in the + matter, to write in your brain with a steel pen this subsequent ditton, + There is no married man who doth not run the hazard of being made a + cuckold. Cuckoldry naturally attendeth marriage. The shadow doth not more + naturally follow the body, than cuckoldry ensueth after marriage to place + fair horns upon the husbands’ heads. + </p> + <p> + And when you shall happen to hear any man pronounce these three words, He + is married; if you then say he is, hath been, shall be, or may be a + cuckold, you will not be accounted an unskilful artist in framing of true + consequences. Tripes and bowels of all the devils, cries Panurge, what do + you tell me? My dear friend, answered Rondibilis, as Hippocrates on a time + was in the very nick of setting forwards from Lango to Polystilo to visit + the philosopher Democritus, he wrote a familiar letter to his friend + Dionysius, wherein he desired him that he would, during the interval of + his absence, carry his wife to the house of her father and mother, who + were an honourable couple and of good repute; because I would not have her + at my home, said he, to make abode in solitude. Yet, notwithstanding this + her residence beside her parents, do not fail, quoth he, with a most + heedful care and circumspection to pry into her ways, and to espy what + places she shall go to with her mother, and who those be that shall repair + unto her. Not, quoth he, that I do mistrust her virtue, or that I seem to + have any diffidence of her pudicity and chaste behaviour,—for of + that I have frequently had good and real proofs,—but I must freely + tell you, She is a woman. There lies the suspicion. + </p> + <p> + My worthy friend, the nature of women is set forth before our eyes and + represented to us by the moon, in divers other things as well as in this, + that they squat, skulk, constrain their own inclinations, and, with all + the cunning they can, dissemble and play the hypocrite in the sight and + presence of their husbands; who come no sooner to be out of the way, but + that forthwith they take their advantage, pass the time merrily, desist + from all labour, frolic it, gad abroad, lay aside their counterfeit garb, + and openly declare and manifest the interior of their dispositions, even + as the moon, when she is in conjunction with the sun, is neither seen in + the heavens nor on the earth, but in her opposition, when remotest from + him, shineth in her greatest fulness, and wholly appeareth in her + brightest splendour whilst it is night. Thus women are but women. + </p> + <p> + When I say womankind, I speak of a sex so frail, so variable, so + changeable, so fickle, inconstant, and imperfect, that in my opinion + Nature, under favour, nevertheless, of the prime honour and reverence + which is due unto her, did in a manner mistake the road which she had + traced formerly, and stray exceedingly from that excellence of + providential judgment by the which she had created and formed all other + things, when she built, framed, and made up the woman. And having thought + upon it a hundred and five times, I know not what else to determine + therein, save only that in the devising, hammering, forging, and composing + of the woman she hath had a much tenderer regard, and by a great deal more + respectful heed to the delightful consortship and sociable delectation of + the man, than to the perfection and accomplishment of the individual + womanishness or muliebrity. The divine philosopher Plato was doubtful in + what rank of living creatures to place and collocate them, whether amongst + the rational animals, by elevating them to an upper seat in the specifical + classis of humanity, or with the irrational, by degrading them to a lower + bench on the opposite side, of a brutal kind, and mere bestiality. For + nature hath posited in a privy, secret, and intestine place of their + bodies, a sort of member, by some not impertinently termed an animal, + which is not to be found in men. Therein sometimes are engendered certain + humours so saltish, brackish, clammy, sharp, nipping, tearing, prickling, + and most eagerly tickling, that by their stinging acrimony, rending + nitrosity, figging itch, wriggling mordicancy, and smarting salsitude (for + the said member is altogether sinewy and of a most quick and lively + feeling), their whole body is shaken and ebrangled, their senses totally + ravished and transported, the operations of their judgment and + understanding utterly confounded, and all disordinate passions and + perturbations of the mind thoroughly and absolutely allowed, admitted, and + approved of; yea, in such sort that if nature had not been so favourable + unto them as to have sprinkled their forehead with a little tincture of + bashfulness and modesty, you should see them in a so frantic mood run mad + after lechery, and hie apace up and down with haste and lust, in quest of + and to fix some chamber-standard in their Paphian ground, that never did + the Proetides, Mimallonides, nor Lyaean Thyades deport themselves in the + time of their bacchanalian festivals more shamelessly, or with a so + affronted and brazen-faced impudency; because this terrible animal is knit + unto, and hath an union with all the chief and most principal parts of the + body, as to anatomists is evident. Let it not here be thought strange that + I should call it an animal, seeing therein I do no otherwise than follow + and adhere to the doctrine of the academic and peripatetic philosophers. + For if a proper motion be a certain mark and infallible token of the life + and animation of the mover, as Aristotle writeth, and that any such thing + as moveth of itself ought to be held animated and of a living nature, then + assuredly Plato with very good reason did give it the denomination of an + animal, for that he perceived and observed in it the proper and + self-stirring motions of suffocation, precipitation, corrugation, and of + indignation so extremely violent, that oftentimes by them is taken and + removed from the woman all other sense and moving whatsoever, as if she + were in a swounding lipothymy, benumbing syncope, epileptic, apoplectic + palsy, and true resemblance of a pale-faced death. + </p> + <p> + Furthermore, in the said member there is a manifest discerning faculty of + scents and odours very perceptible to women, who feel it fly from what is + rank and unsavoury, and follow fragrant and aromatic smells. It is not + unknown to me how Cl. Galen striveth with might and main to prove that + these are not proper and particular notions proceeding intrinsically from + the thing itself, but accidentally and by chance. Nor hath it escaped my + notice how others of that sect have laboured hardly, yea, to the utmost of + their abilities, to demonstrate that it is not a sensitive discerning or + perception in it of the difference of wafts and smells, but merely a + various manner of virtue and efficacy passing forth and flowing from the + diversity of odoriferous substances applied near unto it. Nevertheless, if + you will studiously examine and seriously ponder and weigh in Critolaus’s + balance the strength of their reasons and arguments, you shall find that + they, not only in this, but in several other matters also of the like + nature, have spoken at random, and rather out of an ambitious envy to + check and reprehend their betters than for any design to make inquiry into + the solid truth. + </p> + <p> + I will not launch my little skiff any further into the wide ocean of this + dispute, only will I tell you that the praise and commendation is not mean + and slender which is due to those honest and good women who, living + chastely and without blame, have had the power and virtue to curb, range, + and subdue that unbridled, heady, and wild animal to an obedient, + submissive, and obsequious yielding unto reason. Therefore here will I + make an end of my discourse thereon, when I shall have told you that the + said animal being once satiated—if it be possible that it can be + contented or satisfied—by that aliment which nature hath provided + for it out of the epididymal storehouse of man, all its former and + irregular and disordered motions are at an end, laid, and assuaged, all + its vehement and unruly longings lulled, pacified, and quieted, and all + the furious and raging lusts, appetites, and desires thereof appeased, + calmed, and extinguished. For this cause let it seem nothing strange unto + you if we be in a perpetual danger of being cuckolds, that is to say, such + of us as have not wherewithal fully to satisfy the appetite and + expectation of that voracious animal. Odds fish! quoth Panurge, have you + no preventive cure in all your medicinal art for hindering one’s + head to be horny-graffed at home whilst his feet are plodding abroad? Yes, + that I have, my gallant friend, answered Rondibilis, and that which is a + sovereign remedy, whereof I frequently make use myself; and, that you may + the better relish, it is set down and written in the book of a most famous + author, whose renown is of a standing of two thousand years. Hearken and + take good heed. You are, quoth Panurge, by cockshobby, a right honest man, + and I love you with all my heart. Eat a little of this quince-pie; it is + very proper and convenient for the shutting up of the orifice of the + ventricle of the stomach, because of a kind of astringent stypticity which + is in that sort of fruit, and is helpful to the first concoction. But + what? I think I speak Latin before clerks. Stay till I give you somewhat + to drink out of this Nestorian goblet. Will you have another draught of + white hippocras? Be not afraid of the squinzy, no. There is neither + squinant, ginger, nor grains in it; only a little choice cinnamon, and + some of the best refined sugar, with the delicious white wine of the + growth of that vine which was set in the slips of the great sorbapple + above the walnut-tree. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0033" id="link32HCH0033"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XXXIII.—Rondibilis the physician’s cure of + cuckoldry. + </h2> + <p> + At that time, quoth Rondibilis, when Jupiter took a view of the state of + his Olympic house and family, and that he had made the calendar of all the + gods and goddesses, appointing unto the festival of every one of them its + proper day and season, establishing certain fixed places and stations for + the pronouncing of oracles and relief of travelling pilgrims, and + ordaining victims, immolations, and sacrifices suitable and correspondent + to the dignity and nature of the worshipped and adored deity—Did not + he do, asked Panurge, therein as Tintouille, the Bishop of Auxerre, is + said once to have done? This noble prelate loved entirely the pure liquor + of the grape, as every honest and judicious man doth; therefore was it + that he had an especial care and regard to the bud of the vine-tree as to + the great-grandfather of Bacchus. But so it is, that for sundry years + together he saw a most pitiful havoc, desolation, and destruction made + amongst the sprouts, shootings, buds, blossoms, and scions of the vines by + hoary frost, dank fogs, hot mists, unseasonable colds, chill blasts, thick + hail, and other calamitous chances of foul weather, happening, as he + thought, by the dismal inauspiciousness of the holy days of St. George, + St. Mary, St. Paul, St. Eutrope, Holy Rood, the Ascension, and other + festivals, in that time when the sun passeth under the sign of Taurus; and + thereupon harboured in his mind this opinion, that the afore-named saints + were Saint Hail-flingers, Saint Frost-senders, Saint Fog-mongers, and + Saint Spoilers of the Vine-buds. For which cause he went about to have + transmitted their feasts from the spring to the winter, to be celebrated + between Christmas and Epiphany, so the mother of the three kings called + it, allowing them with all honour and reverence the liberty then to + freeze, hail, and rain as much as they would; for that he knew that at + such a time frost was rather profitable than hurtful to the vine-buds, and + in their steads to have placed the festivals of St. Christopher, St. John + the Baptist, St. Magdalene, St. Anne, St. Domingo, and St. Lawrence; yea, + and to have gone so far as to collocate and transpose the middle of August + in and to the beginning of May, because during the whole space of their + solemnity there was so little danger of hoary frosts and cold mists, that + no artificers are then held in greater request than the afforders of + refrigerating inventions, makers of junkets, fit disposers of cooling + shades, composers of green arbours, and refreshers of wine. + </p> + <p> + Jupiter, said Rondibilis, forgot the poor devil Cuckoldry, who was then in + the court at Paris very eagerly soliciting a peddling suit at law for one + of his vassals and tenants. Within some few days thereafter, I have forgot + how many, when he got full notice of the trick which in his absence was + done unto him, he instantly desisted from prosecuting legal processes in + the behalf of others, full of solicitude to pursue after his own business, + lest he should be foreclosed, and thereupon he appeared personally at the + tribunal of the great Jupiter, displayed before him the importance of his + preceding merits, together with the acceptable services which in obedience + to his commandments he had formerly performed; and therefore in all + humility begged of him that he would be pleased not to leave him alone + amongst all the sacred potentates, destitute and void of honour, + reverence, sacrifices, and festival ceremonies. To this petition Jupiter’s + answer was excusatory, that all the places and offices of his house were + bestowed. Nevertheless, so importuned was he by the continual + supplications of Monsieur Cuckoldry, that he, in fine, placed him in the + rank, list, roll, rubric, and catalogue, and appointed honours, + sacrifices, and festival rites to be observed on earth in great devotion, + and tendered to him with solemnity. The feast, because there was no void, + empty, nor vacant place in all the calendar, was to be celebrated jointly + with, and on the same day that had been consecrated to the goddess + Jealousy. His power and dominion should be over married folks, especially + such as had handsome wives. His sacrifices were to be suspicion, + diffidence, mistrust, a lowering pouting sullenness, watchings, wardings, + researchings, plyings, explorations, together with the waylayings, + ambushes, narrow observations, and malicious doggings of the husband’s + scouts and espials of the most privy actions of their wives. Herewithal + every married man was expressly and rigorously commanded to reverence, + honour, and worship him, to celebrate and solemnize his festival with + twice more respect than that of any other saint or deity, and to immolate + unto him with all sincerity and alacrity of heart the above-mentioned + sacrifices and oblations, under pain of severe censures, threatenings, and + comminations of these subsequent fines, mulcts, amerciaments, penalties, + and punishments to be inflicted on the delinquents: that Monsieur + Cuckoldry should never be favourable nor propitious to them; that he + should never help, aid, supply, succour, nor grant them any subventitious + furtherance, auxiliary suffrage, or adminiculary assistance; that he + should never hold them in any reckoning, account, or estimation; that he + should never deign to enter within their houses, neither at the doors, + windows, nor any other place thereof; that he should never haunt nor + frequent their companies or conversations, how frequently soever they + should invocate him and call upon his name; and that not only he should + leave and abandon them to rot alone with their wives in a sempiternal + solitariness, without the benefit of the diversion of any copes-mate or + corrival at all, but should withal shun and eschew them, fly from them, + and eternally forsake and reject them as impious heretics and sacrilegious + persons, according to the accustomed manner of other gods towards such as + are too slack in offering up the duties and reverences which ought to be + performed respectively to their divinities—as is evidently apparent + in Bacchus towards negligent vine-dressers; in Ceres, against idle + ploughmen and tillers of the ground; in Pomona, to unworthy fruiterers and + costard-mongers; in Neptune, towards dissolute mariners and seafaring men, + in Vulcan, towards loitering smiths and forgemen; and so throughout the + rest. Now, on the contrary, this infallible promise was added, that unto + all those who should make a holy day of the above-recited festival, and + cease from all manner of worldly work and negotiation, lay aside all their + own most important occasions, and to be so retchless, heedless, and + careless of what might concern the management of their proper affairs as + to mind nothing else but a suspicious espying and prying into the secret + deportments of their wives, and how to coop, shut up, hold at under, and + deal cruelly and austerely with them by all the harshness and hardships + that an implacable and every way inexorable jealousy can devise and + suggest, conform to the sacred ordinances of the afore-mentioned + sacrifices and oblations, he should be continually favourable to them, + should love them, sociably converse with them, should be day and night in + their houses, and never leave them destitute of his presence. Now I have + said, and you have heard my cure. + </p> + <p> + Ha, ha, ha! quoth Carpalin, laughing; this is a remedy yet more apt and + proper than Hans Carvel’s ring. The devil take me if I do not + believe it! The humour, inclination, and nature of women is like the + thunder, whose force in its bolt or otherwise burneth, bruiseth, and + breaketh only hard, massive, and resisting objects, without staying or + stopping at soft, empty, and yielding matters. For it pasheth into pieces + the steel sword without doing any hurt to the velvet scabbard which + ensheatheth it. It chrusheth also and consumeth the bones without wounding + or endamaging the flesh wherewith they are veiled and covered. Just so it + is that women for the greater part never bend the contention, subtlety, + and contradictory disposition of their spirits unless it be to do what is + prohibited and forbidden. + </p> + <p> + Verily, quoth Hippothadee, some of our doctors aver for a truth that the + first woman of the world, whom the Hebrews call Eve, had hardly been + induced or allured into the temptation of eating of the fruit of the Tree + of Life if it had not been forbidden her so to do. And that you may give + the more credit to the validity of this opinion, consider how the + cautelous and wily tempter did commemorate unto her, for an antecedent to + his enthymeme, the prohibition which was made to taste it, as being + desirous to infer from thence, It is forbidden thee; therefore thou + shouldst eat of it, else thou canst not be a woman. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0034" id="link32HCH0034"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XXXIV.—How women ordinarily have the greatest longing + after things prohibited. + </h2> + <p> + When I was, quoth Carpalin, a whoremaster at Orleans, the whole art of + rhetoric, in all its tropes and figures, was not able to afford unto me a + colour or flourish of greater force and value, nor could I by any other + form or manner of elocution pitch upon a more persuasive argument for + bringing young beautiful married ladies into the snares of adultery, + through alluring and enticing them to taste with me of amorous delights, + than with a lively sprightfulness to tell them in downright terms, and to + remonstrate to them with a great show of detestation of a crime so horrid, + how their husbands were jealous. This was none of my invention. It is + written, and we have laws, examples, reasons, and daily experiences + confirmative of the same. If this belief once enter into their noddles, + their husbands will infallibly be cuckolds; yea, by God, will they, + without swearing, although they should do like Semiramis, Pasiphae, + Egesta, the women of the Isle Mandez in Egypt, and other such-like + queanish flirting harlots mentioned in the writings of Herodotus, Strabo, + and such-like puppies. + </p> + <p> + Truly, quoth Ponocrates, I have heard it related, and it hath been told me + for a verity, that Pope John XXII., passing on a day through the Abbey of + Toucherome, was in all humility required and besought by the abbess and + other discreet mothers of the said convent to grant them an indulgence by + means whereof they might confess themselves to one another, alleging that + religious women were subject to some petty secret slips and imperfections + which would be a foul and burning shame for them to discover and to reveal + to men, how sacerdotal soever their functions were; but that they would + freelier, more familiarly, and with greater cheerfulness, open to each + other their offences, faults, and escapes under the seal of confession. + There is not anything, answered the pope, fitting for you to impetrate of + me which I would not most willingly condescend unto; but I find one + inconvenience. You know confession should be kept secret, and women are + not able to do so. Exceeding well, quoth they, most holy father, and much + more closely than the best of men. + </p> + <p> + The said pope on the very same day gave them in keeping a pretty box, + wherein he purposely caused a little linnet to be put, willing them very + gently and courteously to lock it up in some sure and hidden place, and + promising them, by the faith of a pope, that he should yield to their + request if they would keep secret what was enclosed within that deposited + box, enjoining them withal not to presume one way nor other, directly or + indirectly, to go about the opening thereof, under pain of the highest + ecclesiastical censure, eternal excommunication. The prohibition was no + sooner made but that they did all of them boil with a most ardent desire + to know and see what kind of thing it was that was within it. They thought + long already that the pope was not gone, to the end they might jointly, + with the more leisure and ease, apply themselves to the box-opening + curiosity. + </p> + <p> + The holy father, after he had given them his benediction, retired and + withdrew himself to the pontifical lodgings of his own palace. But he was + hardly gone three steps from without the gates of their cloister when the + good ladies throngingly, and as in a huddled crowd, pressing hard on the + backs of one another, ran thrusting and shoving who should be first at the + setting open of the forbidden box and descrying of the quod latitat + within. + </p> + <p> + On the very next day thereafter the pope made them another visit, of a + full design, purpose, and intention, as they imagined, to despatch the + grant of their sought and wished-for indulgence. But before he would enter + into any chat or communing with them, he commanded the casket to be + brought unto him. It was done so accordingly; but, by your leave, the bird + was no more there. Then was it that the pope did represent to their + maternities how hard a matter and difficult it was for them to keep + secrets revealed to them in confession unmanifested to the ears of others, + seeing for the space of four-and-twenty hours they were not able to lay up + in secret a box which he had highly recommended to their discretion, + charge, and custody. + </p> + <p> + Welcome, in good faith, my dear master, welcome! It did me good to hear + you talk, the Lord be praised for all! I do not remember to have seen you + before now, since the last time that you acted at Montpellier with our + ancient friends, Anthony Saporra, Guy Bourguyer, Balthasar Noyer, Tolet, + John Quentin, Francis Robinet, John Perdrier, and Francis Rabelais, the + moral comedy of him who had espoused and married a dumb wife. I was there, + quoth Epistemon. The good honest man her husband was very earnestly urgent + to have the fillet of her tongue untied, and would needs have her speak by + any means. At his desire some pains were taken on her, and partly by the + industry of the physician, other part by the expertness of the surgeon, + the encyliglotte which she had under her tongue being cut, she spoke and + spoke again; yea, within a few hours she spoke so loud, so much, so + fiercely, and so long, that her poor husband returned to the same + physician for a recipe to make her hold her peace. There are, quoth the + physician, many proper remedies in our art to make dumb women speak, but + there are none that ever I could learn therein to make them silent. The + only cure which I have found out is their husband’s deafness. The + wretch became within few weeks thereafter, by virtue of some drugs, + charms, or enchantments which the physician had prescribed unto him, so + deaf that he could not have heard the thundering of nineteen hundred + cannons at a salvo. His wife perceiving that indeed he was as deaf as a + door-nail, and that her scolding was but in vain, sith that he heard her + not, she grew stark mad. + </p> + <p> + Some time after the doctor asked for his fee of the husband, who answered + that truly he was deaf, and so was not able to understand what the tenour + of his demand might be. Whereupon the leech bedusted him with a little, I + know not what, sort of powder, which rendered him a fool immediately, so + great was the stultificating virtue of that strange kind of pulverized + dose. Then did this fool of a husband and his mad wife join together, and, + falling on the doctor and the surgeon, did so scratch, bethwack, and bang + them that they were left half dead upon the place, so furious were the + blows which they received. I never in my lifetime laughed so much as at + the acting of that buffoonery. + </p> + <p> + Let us come to where we left off, quoth Panurge. Your words, being + translated from the clapper-dudgeons to plain English, do signify that it + is not very inexpedient that I marry, and that I should not care for being + a cuckold. You have there hit the nail on the head. I believe, master + doctor, that on the day of my marriage you will be so much taken up with + your patients, or otherwise so seriously employed, that we shall not enjoy + your company. Sir, I will heartily excuse your absence. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Stercus et urina medici sunt prandia prima. +Ex aliis paleas, ex istis collige grana. +</pre> + <p> + You are mistaken, quoth Rondibilis, in the second verse of our distich, + for it ought to run thus— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Nobis sunt signa, vobis sunt prandia digna. +</pre> + <p> + If my wife at any time prove to be unwell and ill at ease, I will look + upon the water which she shall have made in an urinal glass, quoth + Rondibilis, grope her pulse, and see the disposition of her hypogaster, + together with her umbilicary parts—according to the prescript rule + of Hippocrates, 2. Aph. 35—before I proceed any further in the cure + of her distemper. No, no, quoth Panurge, that will be but to little + purpose. Such a feat is for the practice of us that are lawyers, who have + the rubric, De ventre inspiciendo. Do not therefore trouble yourself about + it, master doctor; I will provide for her a plaster of warm guts. Do not + neglect your more urgent occasions otherwhere for coming to my wedding. I + will send you some supply of victuals to your own house, without putting + you to the trouble of coming abroad, and you shall always be my special + friend. With this, approaching somewhat nearer to him, he clapped into his + hand, without the speaking of so much as one word, four rose nobles. + Rondibilis did shut his fist upon them right kindly; yet, as if it had + displeased him to make acceptance of such golden presents, he in a start, + as if he had been wroth, said, He he, he, he, he! there was no need of + anything; I thank you nevertheless. From wicked folks I never get enough, + and I from honest people refuse nothing. I shall be always, sir, at your + command. Provided that I pay you well, quoth Panurge. That, quoth + Rondibilis, is understood. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0035" id="link32HCH0035"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XXXV.—How the philosopher Trouillogan handleth the + difficulty of marriage. + </h2> + <p> + As this discourse was ended, Pantagruel said to the philosopher + Trouillogan, Our loyal, honest, true, and trusty friend, the lamp from + hand to hand is come to you. It falleth to your turn to give an answer: + Should Panurge, pray you, marry, yea or no? He should do both, quoth + Trouillogan. What say you? asked Panurge. That which you have heard, + answered Trouillogan. What have I heard? replied Panurge. That which I + have said, replied Trouillogan. Ha, ha, ha! are we come to that pass? + quoth Panurge. Let it go nevertheless, I do not value it at a rush, seeing + we can make no better of the game. But howsoever tell me, Should I marry + or no? Neither the one nor the other, answered Trouillogan. The devil take + me, quoth Panurge, if these odd answers do not make me dote, and may he + snatch me presently away if I do understand you. Stay awhile until I + fasten these spectacles of mine on this left ear, that I may hear you + better. With this Pantagruel perceived at the door of the great hall, + which was that day their dining-room, Gargantua’s little dog, whose + name was Kyne; for so was Toby’s dog called, as is recorded. Then + did he say to these who were there present, Our king is not far off,—let + us all rise. + </p> + <p> + That word was scarcely sooner uttered, than that Gargantua with his royal + presence graced that banqueting and stately hall. Each of the guests arose + to do their king that reverence and duty which became them. After that + Gargantua had most affably saluted all the gentlemen there present, he + said, Good friends, I beg this favour of you, and therein you will very + much oblige me, that you leave not the places where you sate nor quit the + discourse you were upon. Let a chair be brought hither unto this end of + the table, and reach me a cupful of the strongest and best wine you have, + that I may drink to all the company. You are, in faith, all welcome, + gentlemen. Now let me know what talk you were about. To this Pantagruel + answered that at the beginning of the second service Panurge had proposed + a problematic theme, to wit, whether he should marry, or not marry? that + Father Hippothadee and Doctor Rondibilis had already despatched their + resolutions thereupon; and that, just as his majesty was coming in, the + faithful Trouillogan in the delivery of his opinion hath thus far + proceeded, that when Panurge asked whether he ought to marry, yea or no? + at first he made this answer, Both together. When this same question was + again propounded, his second answer was, Neither the one nor the other. + Panurge exclaimeth that those answers are full of repugnancies and + contradictions, protesting that he understands them not, nor what it is + that can be meant by them. If I be not mistaken, quoth Gargantua, I + understand it very well. The answer is not unlike to that which was once + made by a philosopher in ancient times, who being interrogated if he had a + woman whom they named him to his wife? I have her, quoth he, but she hath + not me,—possessing her, by her I am not possessed. Such another + answer, quoth Pantagruel, was once made by a certain bouncing wench of + Sparta, who being asked if at any time she had had to do with a man? No, + quoth she, but sometimes men have had to do with me. Well then, quoth + Rondibilis, let it be a neuter in physic, as when we say a body is neuter, + when it is neither sick nor healthful, and a mean in philosophy; that, by + an abnegation of both extremes, and this by the participation of the one + and of the other. Even as when lukewarm water is said to be both hot and + cold; or rather, as when time makes the partition, and equally divides + betwixt the two, a while in the one, another while as long in the other + opposite extremity. The holy Apostle, quoth Hippothadee, seemeth, as I + conceive, to have more clearly explained this point when he said, Those + that are married, let them be as if they were not married; and those that + have wives, let them be as if they had no wives at all. I thus interpret, + quoth Pantagruel, the having and not having of a wife. To have a wife is + to have the use of her in such a way as nature hath ordained, which is for + the aid, society, and solace of man, and propagating of his race. To have + no wife is not to be uxorious, play the coward, and be lazy about her, and + not for her sake to distain the lustre of that affection which man owes to + God, or yet for her to leave those offices and duties which he owes unto + his country, unto his friends and kindred, or for her to abandon and + forsake his precious studies, and other businesses of account, to wait + still on her will, her beck, and her buttocks. If we be pleased in this + sense to take having and not having of a wife, we shall indeed find no + repugnancy nor contradiction in the terms at all. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0036" id="link32HCH0036"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XXXVI.—A continuation of the answer of the Ephectic and + Pyrrhonian philosopher Trouillogan. + </h2> + <p> + You speak wisely, quoth Panurge, if the moon were green cheese. Such a + tale once pissed my goose. I do not think but that I am let down into that + dark pit in the lowermost bottom whereof the truth was hid, according to + the saying of Heraclitus. I see no whit at all, I hear nothing, understand + as little, my senses are altogether dulled and blunted; truly I do very + shrewdly suspect that I am enchanted. I will now alter the former style of + my discourse, and talk to him in another strain. Our trusty friend, stir + not, nor imburse any; but let us vary the chance, and speak without + disjunctives. I see already that these loose and ill-joined members of an + enunciation do vex, trouble, and perplex you. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Now go on, in the name of God! Should I marry? + +Trouillogan. There is some likelihood therein. + +Panurge. But if I do not marry? + +Trouil. I see in that no inconvenience. + +Pan. You do not? + +Trouil. None, truly, if my eyes deceive me not. + +Pan. Yea, but I find more than five hundred. + +Trouil. Reckon them. + +Pan. This is an impropriety of speech, I confess; for I do no more +thereby but take a certain for an uncertain number, and posit the +determinate term for what is indeterminate. When I say, therefore, five +hundred, my meaning is many. + +Trouil. I hear you. + +Pan. Is it possible for me to live without a wife, in the name of all the +subterranean devils? + +Trouil. Away with these filthy beasts. + +Pan. Let it be, then, in the name of God; for my Salmigondinish people +use to say, To lie alone, without a wife, is certainly a brutish life. And +such a life also was it assevered to be by Dido in her lamentations. + +Trouil. At your command. + +Pan. By the pody cody, I have fished fair; where are we now? But will +you tell me? Shall I marry? + +Trouil. Perhaps. + +Pan. Shall I thrive or speed well withal? + +Trouil. According to the encounter. + +Pan. But if in my adventure I encounter aright, as I hope I will, shall +I be fortunate? + +Trouil. Enough. + +Pan. Let us turn the clean contrary way, and brush our former words +against the wool: what if I encounter ill? + +Trouil. Then blame not me. + +Pan. But, of courtesy, be pleased to give me some advice. I heartily +beseech you, what must I do? + +Trouil. Even what thou wilt. + +Pan. Wishy, washy; trolly, trolly. + +Trouil. Do not invocate the name of anything, I pray you. + +Pan. In the name of God, let it be so! My actions shall be regulated by +the rule and square of your counsel. What is it that you advise and +counsel me to do? + +Trouil. Nothing. + +Pan. Shall I marry? + +Trouil. I have no hand in it. + +Pan. Then shall I not marry? + +Trouil. I cannot help it. + +Pan. If I never marry, I shall never be a cuckold. + +Trouil. I thought so. + +Pan. But put the case that I be married. + +Trouil. Where shall we put it? + +Pan. Admit it be so, then, and take my meaning in that sense. + +Trouil. I am otherwise employed. + +Pan. By the death of a hog, and mother of a toad, O Lord! if I durst +hazard upon a little fling at the swearing game, though privily and under +thumb, it would lighten the burden of my heart and ease my lights and reins +exceedingly. A little patience nevertheless is requisite. Well then, if I +marry, I shall be a cuckold. + +Trouil. One would say so. + +Pan. Yet if my wife prove a virtuous, wise, discreet, and chaste woman, +I shall never be cuckolded. + +Trouil. I think you speak congruously. + +Pan. Hearken. + +Trouil. As much as you will. + +Pan. Will she be discreet and chaste? This is the only point I would be +resolved in. + +Trouil. I question it. + +Pan. You never saw her? + +Trouil. Not that I know of. + +Pan. Why do you then doubt of that which you know not? + +Trouil. For a cause. + +Pan. And if you should know her. + +Trouil. Yet more. + +Pan. Page, my pretty little darling, take here my cap,—I give it thee. +Have a care you do not break the spectacles that are in it. Go down to the +lower court. Swear there half an hour for me, and I shall in compensation +of that favour swear hereafter for thee as much as thou wilt. But who +shall cuckold me? + +Trouil. Somebody. + +Pan. By the belly of the wooden horse at Troy, Master Somebody, I shall +bang, belam thee, and claw thee well for thy labour. + +Trouil. You say so. + +Pan. Nay, nay, that Nick in the dark cellar, who hath no white in his +eye, carry me quite away with him if, in that case, whensoever I go abroad +from the palace of my domestic residence, I do not, with as much +circumspection as they use to ring mares in our country to keep them from +being sallied by stoned horses, clap a Bergamasco lock upon my wife. + +Trouil. Talk better. + +Pan. It is bien chien, chie chante, well cacked and cackled, shitten, +and sung in matter of talk. Let us resolve on somewhat. + +Trouil. I do not gainsay it. + +Pan. Have a little patience. Seeing I cannot on this side draw any +blood of you, I will try if with the lancet of my judgment I be able to +bleed you in another vein. Are you married, or are you not? + +Trouil. Neither the one nor the other, and both together. + +Pan. O the good God help us! By the death of a buffle-ox, I sweat with +the toil and travail that I am put to, and find my digestion broke off, +disturbed, and interrupted, for all my phrenes, metaphrenes, and +diaphragms, back, belly, midriff, muscles, veins, and sinews are held in a +suspense and for a while discharged from their proper offices to stretch +forth their several powers and abilities for incornifistibulating and +laying up into the hamper of my understanding your various sayings and +answers. + +Trouil. I shall be no hinderer thereof. + +Pan. Tush, for shame! Our faithful friend, speak; are you married? + +Trouil. I think so. + +Pan. You were also married before you had this wife? + +Trouil. It is possible. + +Pan. Had you good luck in your first marriage? + +Trouil. It is not impossible. + +Pan. How thrive you with this second wife of yours? + +Trouil. Even as it pleaseth my fatal destiny. + +Pan. But what, in good earnest? Tell me—do you prosper well with her? + +Trouil. It is likely. + +Pan. Come on, in the name of God. I vow, by the burden of Saint +Christopher, that I had rather undertake the fetching of a fart forth of +the belly of a dead ass than to draw out of you a positive and determinate +resolution. Yet shall I be sure at this time to have a snatch at you, and +get my claws over you. Our trusty friend, let us shame the devil of hell, +and confess the verity. Were you ever a cuckold? I say, you who are here, +and not that other you who playeth below in the tennis-court? + +Trouil. No, if it was not predestinated. + +Pan. By the flesh, blood, and body, I swear, reswear, forswear, abjure, +and renounce, he evades and avoids, shifts, and escapes me, and quite slips +and winds himself out of my grips and clutches. +</pre> + <p> + At these words Gargantua arose and said, Praised be the good God in all + things, but especially for bringing the world into that height of + refinedness beyond what it was when I first came to be acquainted + therewith, that now the learnedst and most prudent philosophers are not + ashamed to be seen entering in at the porches and frontispieces of the + schools of the Pyrrhonian, Aporrhetic, Sceptic, and Ephectic sects. + Blessed be the holy name of God! Veritably, it is like henceforth to be + found an enterprise of much more easy undertaking to catch lions by the + neck, horses by the main, oxen by the horns, bulls by the muzzle, wolves + by the tail, goats by the beard, and flying birds by the feet, than to + entrap such philosophers in their words. Farewell, my worthy, dear, and + honest friends. + </p> + <p> + When he had done thus speaking, he withdrew himself from the company. + Pantagruel and others with him would have followed and accompanied him, + but he would not permit them so to do. No sooner was Gargantua departed + out of the banqueting-hall than that Pantagruel said to the invited + guests: Plato’s Timaeus, at the beginning always of a solemn + festival convention, was wont to count those that were called thereto. We, + on the contrary, shall at the closure and end of this treatment reckon up + our number. One, two, three; where is the fourth? I miss my friend + Bridlegoose. Was not he sent for? Epistemon answered that he had been at + his house to bid and invite him, but could not meet with him; for that a + messenger from the parliament of Mirlingois, in Mirlingues, was come to + him with a writ of summons to cite and warn him personally to appear + before the reverend senators of the high court there, to vindicate and + justify himself at the bar of the crime of prevarication laid to his + charge, and to be peremptorily instanced against him in a certain decree, + judgment, or sentence lately awarded, given, and pronounced by him; and + that, therefore, he had taken horse and departed in great haste from his + own house, to the end that without peril or danger of falling into a + default or contumacy he might be the better able to keep the prefixed and + appointed time. + </p> + <p> + I will, quoth Pantagruel, understand how that matter goeth. It is now + above forty years that he hath been constantly the judge of Fonsbeton, + during which space of time he hath given four thousand definitive + sentences, of two thousand three hundred and nine whereof, although appeal + was made by the parties whom he had judicially condemned from his inferior + judicatory to the supreme court of the parliament of Mirlingois, in + Mirlingues, they were all of them nevertheless confirmed, ratified, and + approved of by an order, decree, and final sentence of the said sovereign + court, to the casting of the appellants, and utter overthrow of the suits + wherein they had been foiled at law, for ever and a day. That now in his + old age he should be personally summoned, who in all the foregoing time of + his life hath demeaned himself so unblamably in the discharge of the + office and vocation he had been called unto, it cannot assuredly be that + such a change hath happened without some notorious misfortune and + disaster. I am resolved to help and assist him in equity and justice to + the uttermost extent of my power and ability. I know the malice, despite, + and wickedness of the world to be so much more nowadays exasperated, + increased, and aggravated by what it was not long since, that the best + cause that is, how just and equitable soever it be, standeth in great need + to be succoured, aided, and supported. Therefore presently, from this very + instant forth, do I purpose, till I see the event and closure thereof, + most heedfully to attend and wait upon it, for fear of some underhand + tricky surprisal, cavilling pettifoggery, or fallacious quirks in law, to + his detriment, hurt, or disadvantage. + </p> + <p> + Then dinner being done, and the tables drawn and removed, when Pantagruel + had very cordially and affectionately thanked his invited guests for the + favour which he had enjoyed of their company, he presented them with + several rich and costly gifts, such as jewels, rings set with precious + stones, gold and silver vessels, with a great deal of other sort of plate + besides, and lastly, taking of them all his leave, retired himself into an + inner chamber. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0037" id="link32HCH0037"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XXXVII.—How Pantagruel persuaded Panurge to take counsel + of a fool. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link3image-0009" id="link3image-0009"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/3-37-346.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Altercation Waxed Hot in Words--3-37-346" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + When Pantagruel had withdrawn himself, he, by a little sloping window in + one of the galleries, perceived Panurge in a lobby not far from thence, + walking alone, with the gesture, carriage, and garb of a fond dotard, + raving, wagging, and shaking his hands, dandling, lolling, and nodding + with his head, like a cow bellowing for her calf; and, having then called + him nearer, spoke unto him thus: You are at this present, as I think, not + unlike to a mouse entangled in a snare, who the more that she goeth about + to rid and unwind herself out of the gin wherein she is caught, by + endeavouring to clear and deliver her feet from the pitch whereto they + stick, the foulier she is bewrayed with it, and the more strongly pestered + therein. Even so is it with you. For the more that you labour, strive, and + enforce yourself to disencumber and extricate your thoughts out of the + implicating involutions and fetterings of the grievous and lamentable gins + and springs of anguish and perplexity, the greater difficulty there is in + the relieving of you, and you remain faster bound than ever. Nor do I know + for the removal of this inconveniency any remedy but one. + </p> + <p> + Take heed, I have often heard it said in a vulgar proverb, The wise may be + instructed by a fool. Seeing the answers and responses of sage and + judicious men have in no manner of way satisfied you, take advice of some + fool, and possibly by so doing you may come to get that counsel which will + be agreeable to your own heart’s desire and contentment. You know + how by the advice and counsel and prediction of fools, many kings, + princes, states, and commonwealths have been preserved, several battles + gained, and divers doubts of a most perplexed intricacy resolved. I am not + so diffident of your memory as to hold it needful to refresh it with a + quotation of examples, nor do I so far undervalue your judgment but that I + think it will acquiesce in the reason of this my subsequent discourse. As + he who narrowly takes heed to what concerns the dexterous management of + his private affairs, domestic businesses, and those adoes which are + confined within the strait-laced compass of one family, who is attentive, + vigilant, and active in the economic rule of his own house, whose frugal + spirit never strays from home, who loseth no occasion whereby he may + purchase to himself more riches, and build up new heaps of treasure on his + former wealth, and who knows warily how to prevent the inconveniences of + poverty, is called a worldly wise man, though perhaps in the second + judgment of the intelligences which are above he be esteemed a fool,—so, + on the contrary, is he most like, even in the thoughts of all celestial + spirits, to be not only sage, but to presage events to come by divine + inspiration, who laying quite aside those cares which are conducible to + his body or his fortunes, and, as it were, departing from himself, rids + all his senses of terrene affections, and clears his fancies of those + plodding studies which harbour in the minds of thriving men. All which + neglects of sublunary things are vulgarily imputed folly. After this + manner, the son of Picus, King of the Latins, the great soothsayer Faunus, + was called Fatuus by the witless rabble of the common people. The like we + daily see practised amongst the comic players, whose dramatic roles, in + distribution of the personages, appoint the acting of the fool to him who + is the wisest of the troop. In approbation also of this fashion the + mathematicians allow the very same horoscope to princes and to sots. + Whereof a right pregnant instance by them is given in the nativities of + Aeneas and Choroebus; the latter of which two is by Euphorion said to have + been a fool, and yet had with the former the same aspects and heavenly + genethliac influences. + </p> + <p> + I shall not, I suppose, swerve much from the purpose in hand, if I relate + unto you what John Andrew said upon the return of a papal writ, which was + directed to the mayor and burgesses of Rochelle, and after him by Panorme, + upon the same pontifical canon; Barbatias on the Pandects, and recently by + Jason in his Councils, concerning Seyny John, the noted fool of Paris, and + Caillet’s fore great-grandfather. The case is this. + </p> + <p> + At Paris, in the roastmeat cookery of the Petit Chastelet, before the + cookshop of one of the roastmeat sellers of that lane, a certain hungry + porter was eating his bread, after he had by parcels kept it a while above + the reek and steam of a fat goose on the spit, turning at a great fire, + and found it, so besmoked with the vapour, to be savoury; which the cook + observing, took no notice, till after having ravined his penny loaf, + whereof no morsel had been unsmokified, he was about decamping and going + away. But, by your leave, as the fellow thought to have departed thence + shot-free, the master-cook laid hold upon him by the gorget, and demanded + payment for the smoke of his roast meat. The porter answered, that he had + sustained no loss at all; that by what he had done there was no diminution + made of the flesh; that he had taken nothing of his, and that therefore he + was not indebted to him in anything. As for the smoke in question, that, + although he had not been there, it would howsoever have been evaporated; + besides, that before that time it had never been seen nor heard that + roastmeat smoke was sold upon the streets of Paris. The cook hereto + replied, that he was not obliged nor any way bound to feed and nourish for + nought a porter whom he had never seen before with the smoke of his roast + meat, and thereupon swore that if he would not forthwith content and + satisfy him with present payment for the repast which he had thereby got, + that he would take his crooked staves from off his back; which, instead of + having loads thereafter laid upon them, should serve for fuel to his + kitchen fires. Whilst he was going about so to do, and to have pulled them + to him by one of the bottom rungs which he had caught in his hand, the + sturdy porter got out of his grip, drew forth the knotty cudgel, and stood + to his own defence. The altercation waxed hot in words, which moved the + gaping hoidens of the sottish Parisians to run from all parts thereabouts, + to see what the issue would be of that babbling strife and contention. In + the interim of this dispute, to very good purpose Seyny John, the fool and + citizen of Paris, happened to be there, whom the cook perceiving, said to + the porter, Wilt thou refer and submit unto the noble Seyny John the + decision of the difference and controversy which is betwixt us? Yes, by + the blood of a goose, answered the porter, I am content. Seyny John the + fool, finding that the cook and porter had compromised the determination + of their variance and debate to the discretion of his award and + arbitrament, after that the reasons on either side whereupon was grounded + the mutual fierceness of their brawling jar had been to the full displayed + and laid open before him, commanded the porter to draw out of the fob of + his belt a piece of money, if he had it. Whereupon the porter immediately + without delay, in reverence to the authority of such a judicious umpire, + put the tenth part of a silver Philip into his hand. This little Philip + Seyny John took; then set it on his left shoulder, to try by feeling if it + was of a sufficient weight. After that, laying it on the palm of his hand, + he made it ring and tingle, to understand by the ear if it was of a good + alloy in the metal whereof it was composed. Thereafter he put it to the + ball or apple of his left eye, to explore by the sight if it was well + stamped and marked; all which being done, in a profound silence of the + whole doltish people who were there spectators of this pageantry, to the + great hope of the cook’s and despair of the porter’s + prevalency in the suit that was in agitation, he finally caused the porter + to make it sound several times upon the stall of the cook’s shop. + Then with a presidential majesty holding his bauble sceptre-like in his + hand, muffling his head with a hood of marten skins, each side whereof had + the resemblance of an ape’s face sprucified up with ears of pasted + paper, and having about his neck a bucked ruff, raised, furrowed, and + ridged with pointing sticks of the shape and fashion of small organ pipes, + he first with all the force of his lungs coughed two or three times, and + then with an audible voice pronounced this following sentence: The court + declareth that the porter who ate his bread at the smoke of the roast, + hath civilly paid the cook with the sound of his money. And the said court + ordaineth that everyone return to his own home, and attend his proper + business, without cost and charges, and for a cause. This verdict, award, + and arbitrament of the Parisian fool did appear so equitable, yea, so + admirable to the aforesaid doctors, that they very much doubted if the + matter had been brought before the sessions for justice of the said place, + or that the judges of the Rota at Rome had been umpires therein, or yet + that the Areopagites themselves had been the deciders thereof, if by any + one part, or all of them together, it had been so judicially sententiated + and awarded. Therefore advise, if you will be counselled by a fool. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0038" id="link32HCH0038"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XXXVIII.—How Triboulet is set forth and blazed by + Pantagruel and Panurge. + </h2> + <p> + By my soul, quoth Panurge, that overture pleaseth me exceedingly well. I + will therefore lay hold thereon, and embrace it. At the very motioning + thereof my very right entrail seemeth to be widened and enlarged, which + was but just now hard-bound, contracted, and costive. But as we have + hitherto made choice of the purest and most refined cream of wisdom and + sapience for our counsel, so would I now have to preside and bear the + prime sway in our consultation as very a fool in the supreme degree. + Triboulet, quoth Pantagruel, is completely foolish, as I conceive. Yes, + truly, answered Panurge, he is properly and totally a fool, a + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Pantagruel. Panurge. +Fatal f. Jovial f. +Natural f. Mercurial f. +Celestial f. Lunatic f. +Erratic f. Ducal f. +Eccentric f. Common f. +Aethereal and Junonian f. Lordly f. +Arctic f. Palatine f. +Heroic f. Principal f. +Genial f. Pretorian f. +Inconstant f. Elected f. +Earthly f. Courtly f. +Salacious and sporting f. Primipilary f. +Jocund and wanton f. Triumphant f. +Pimpled f. Vulgar f. +Freckled f. Domestic f. +Bell-tinging f. Exemplary f. +Laughing and lecherous f. Rare outlandish f. +Nimming and filching f. Satrapal f. +Unpressed f. Civil f. +First broached f. Popular f. +Augustal f. Familiar f. +Caesarine f. Notable f. +Imperial f. Favourized f. +Royal f. Latinized f. +Patriarchal f. Ordinary f. +Original f. Transcendent f. +Loyal f. Rising f. +Episcopal f. Papal f. +Doctoral f. Consistorian f. +Monachal f. Conclavist f. +Fiscal f. Bullist f. +Extravagant f. Synodal f. +Writhed f. Doting and raving f. +Canonical f. Singular and surpassing f. +Such another f. Special and excelling f. +Graduated f. Metaphysical f. +Commensal f. Scatical f. +Primolicentiated f. Predicamental and categoric f. +Train-bearing f. Predicable and enunciatory f. +Supererogating f. Decumane and superlative f. +Collateral f. Dutiful and officious f. +Haunch and side f. Optical and perspective f. +Nestling, ninny, and youngling f. Algoristic f. +Flitting, giddy, and unsteady f. Algebraical f. +Brancher, novice, and cockney f. Cabalistical and Massoretical f. +Haggard, cross, and froward f. Talmudical f. +Gentle, mild, and tractable f. Algamalized f. +Mail-coated f. Compendious f. +Pilfering and purloining f. Abbreviated f. +Tail-grown f. Hyperbolical f. +Grey peckled f. Anatomastical f. +Pleonasmical f. Allegorical f. +Capital f. Tropological f. +Hair-brained f. Micher pincrust f. +Cordial f. Heteroclit f. +Intimate f. Summist f. +Hepatic f. Abridging f. +Cupshotten and swilling f. Morrish f. +Splenetic f. Leaden-sealed f. +Windy f. Mandatory f. +Legitimate f. Compassionate f. +Azymathal f. Titulary f. +Almicantarized f. Crouching, showking, ducking f. +Proportioned f. Grim, stern, harsh, and wayward f. +Chinnified f. Well-hung and timbered f. +Swollen and puffed up f. Ill-clawed, pounced, and pawed f. +Overcockrifedlid and lified f. Well-stoned f. +Corallory f. Crabbed and unpleasing f. +Eastern f. Winded and untainted f. +Sublime f. Kitchen haunting f. +Crimson f. Lofty and stately f. +Ingrained f. Spitrack f. +City f. Architrave f. +Basely accoutred f. Pedestal f. +Mast-headed f. Tetragonal f. +Modal f. Renowned f. +Second notial f. Rheumatic f. +Cheerful and buxom f. Flaunting and braggadocio f. +Solemn f. Egregious f. +Annual f. Humourous and capricious f. +Festival f. Rude, gross, and absurd f. +Recreative f. Large-measured f. +Boorish and counterfeit f. Babble f. +Pleasant f. Down-right f. +Privileged f. Broad-listed f. +Rustical f. Duncical-bearing f. +Proper and peculiar f. Stale and over-worn f. +Ever ready f. Saucy and swaggering f. +Diapasonal f. Full-bulked f. +Resolute f. Gallant and vainglorious f. +Hieroglyphical f. Gorgeous and gaudy f. +Authentic f. Continual and intermitting f. +Worthy f. Rebasing and roundling f. +Precious f. Prototypal and precedenting f. +Fanatic f. Prating f. +Fantastical f. Catechetic f. +Symphatic f. Cacodoxical f. +Panic f. Meridional f. +Limbecked and distilled f. Nocturnal f. +Comportable f. Occidental f. +Wretched and heartless f. Trifling f. +Fooded f. Astrological and figure-flinging f. +Thick and threefold f. Genethliac and horoscopal f. +Damasked f. Knavish f. +Fearney f. Idiot f. +Unleavened f. Blockish f. +Baritonant f. Beetle-headed f. +Pink and spot-powdered f. Grotesque f. +Musket-proof f. Impertinent f. +Pedantic f. Quarrelsome f. +Strouting f. Unmannerly f. +Wood f. Captious and sophistical f. +Greedy f. Soritic f. +Senseless f. Catholoproton f. +Godderlich f. Hoti and Dioti f. +Obstinate f. Alphos and Catati f. +Contradictory f. +Pedagogical f. +Daft f. +Drunken f. +Peevish f. +Prodigal f. +Rash f. +Plodding f. + +Pantagruel. If there was any reason why at Rome the Quirinal holiday of +old was called the Feast of Fools, I know not why we may not for the like +cause institute in France the Tribouletic Festivals, to be celebrated and +solemnized over all the land. + +Panurge. If all fools carried cruppers. + +Pantagruel. If he were the god Fatuus of whom we have already made +mention, the husband of the goddess Fatua, his father would be Good Day, +and his grandmother Good Even. + +Panurge. If all fools paced, albeit he be somewhat wry-legged, he would +overlay at least a fathom at every rake. Let us go toward him without any +further lingering or delay; we shall have, no doubt, some fine resolution +of him. I am ready to go, and long for the issue of our progress +impatiently. I must needs, quoth Pantagruel, according to my former +resolution therein, be present at Bridlegoose’s trial. Nevertheless, +whilst I shall be upon my journey towards Mirelingues, which is on the +other side of the river of Loire, I will despatch Carpalin to bring along +with him from Blois the fool Triboulet. Then was Carpalin instantly sent +away, and Pantagruel, at the same time attended by his domestics, Panurge, +Epistemon, Ponocrates, Friar John, Gymnast, Ryzotomus, and others, marched +forward on the high road to Mirelingues. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0039" id="link32HCH0039"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XXXIX.—How Pantagruel was present at the trial of Judge + Bridlegoose, who decided causes and controversies in law by the chance and + fortune of the dice. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link3image-0010" id="link3image-0010"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/3-39-352.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Bridlegoose--3-39-352" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + On the day following, precisely at the hour appointed, Pantagruel came to + Mirelingues. At his arrival the presidents, senators, and counsellors + prayed him to do them the honour to enter in with them, to hear the + decision of all the causes, arguments, and reasons which Bridlegoose in + his own defence would produce, why he had pronounced a certain sentence + against the subsidy-assessor, Toucheronde, which did not seem very + equitable to that centumviral court. Pantagruel very willingly + condescended to their desire, and accordingly entering in, found + Bridlegoose sitting within the middle of the enclosure of the said court + of justice; who immediately upon the coming of Pantagruel, accompanied + with the senatorian members of that worshipful judicatory, arose, went to + the bar, had his indictment read, and for all his reasons, defences, and + excuses, answered nothing else but that he was become old, and that his + sight of late was very much failed, and become dimmer than it was wont to + be; instancing therewithal many miseries and calamities which old age + bringeth along with it, and are concomitant to wrinkled elders; which not. + per Archid. d. lxxxvi. c. tanta. By reason of which infirmity he was not + able so distinctly and clearly to discern the points and blots of the dice + as formerly he had been accustomed to do; whence it might very well have + happened, said he, as old dim-sighted Isaac took Jacob for Esau, that I + after the same manner, at the decision of causes and controversies in law, + should have been mistaken in taking a quatre for a cinque, or a trey for a + deuce. This I beseech your worships, quoth he, to take into your serious + consideration, and to have the more favourable opinion of my uprightness, + notwithstanding the prevarication whereof I am accused in the matter of + Toucheronde’s sentence, that at the time of that decree’s + pronouncing I only had made use of my small dice; and your worships, said + he, know very well how by the most authentic rules of the law it is + provided that the imperfections of nature should never be imputed unto any + for crimes and transgressions; as appeareth, ff. de re milit. l. qui cum + uno. ff. de reg. Jur. l. fere. ff. de aedil. edict. per totum. ff. de + term. mod. l. Divus Adrianus, resolved by Lud. Rom. in l. si vero. ff. + Sol. Matr. And who would offer to do otherwise, should not thereby accuse + the man, but nature, and the all-seeing providence of God, as is evident + in l. Maximum Vitium, c. de lib. praeter. + </p> + <p> + What kind of dice, quoth Trinquamelle, grand-president of the said court, + do you mean, my friend Bridlegoose? The dice, quoth Bridlegoose, of + sentences at law, decrees, and peremptory judgments, Alea Judiciorum, + whereof is written, Per Doct. 26. qu. 2. cap. sort. l. nec emptio ff. de + contrahend. empt. l. quod debetur. ff. de pecul. et ibi Bartol., and which + your worships do, as well as I, use, in this glorious sovereign court of + yours. So do all other righteous judges in their decision of processes and + final determination of legal differences, observing that which hath been + said thereof by D. Henri. Ferrandat, et not. gl. in c. fin. de sortil. et + l. sed cum ambo. ff. de jud. Ubi Docto. Mark, that chance and fortune are + good, honest, profitable, and necessary for ending of and putting a final + closure to dissensions and debates in suits at law. The same hath more + clearly been declared by Bald. Bartol. et Alex. c. communia de leg. l. Si + duo. But how is it that you do these things? asked Trinquamelle. I very + briefly, quoth Bridlegoose, shall answer you, according to the doctrine + and instructions of Leg. ampliorem para. in refutatoriis. c. de appel.; + which is conform to what is said in Gloss l. 1. ff. quod met. causa. + Gaudent brevitate moderni. My practice is therein the same with that of + your other worships, and as the custom of the judicatory requires, unto + which our law commandeth us to have regard, and by the rule thereof still + to direct and regulate our actions and procedures; ut not. extra. de + consuet. in c. ex literis et ibi innoc. For having well and exactly seen, + surveyed, overlooked, reviewed, recognized, read, and read over again, + turned and tossed over, seriously perused and examined the bills of + complaint, accusations, impeachments, indictments, warnings, citations, + summonings, comparitions, appearances, mandates, commissions, delegations, + instructions, informations, inquests, preparatories, productions, + evidences, proofs, allegations, depositions, cross speeches, + contradictions, supplications, requests, petitions, inquiries, instruments + of the deposition of witnesses, rejoinders, replies, confirmations of + former assertions, duplies, triplies, answers to rejoinders, writings, + deeds, reproaches, disabling of exceptions taken, grievances, salvation + bills, re-examination of witnesses, confronting of them together, + declarations, denunciations, libels, certificates, royal missives, letters + of appeal, letters of attorney, instruments of compulsion, delineatories, + anticipatories, evocations, messages, dimissions, issues, exceptions, + dilatory pleas, demurs, compositions, injunctions, reliefs, reports, + returns, confessions, acknowledgments, exploits, executions, and other + such-like confects and spiceries, both at the one and the other side, as a + good judge ought to do, conform to what hath been noted thereupon. Spec. + de ordination. Paragr. 3. et Tit. de Offi. omn. jud. paragr. fin. et de + rescriptis praesentat. parag. 1.—I posit on the end of a table in my + closet all the pokes and bags of the defendant, and then allow unto him + the first hazard of the dice, according to the usual manner of your other + worships. And it is mentioned, l. favorabiliores. ff. de reg. jur. et in + cap. cum sunt eod. tit. lib. 6, which saith, Quum sunt partium jura + obscura, reo potius favendum est quam actori. That being done, I + thereafter lay down upon the other end of the same table the bags and + satchels of the plaintiff, as your other worships are accustomed to do, + visum visu, just over against one another; for Opposita juxta se posita + clarius elucescunt: ut not. in lib. 1. parag. Videamus. ff. de his qui + sunt sui vel alieni juris, et in l. munerum. para. mixta ff. de mun. et + hon. Then do I likewise and semblably throw the dice for him, and + forthwith livre him his chance. But, quoth Trinquamelle, my friend, how + come you to know, understand, and resolve the obscurity of these various + and seeming contrary passages in law, which are laid claim to by the + suitors and pleading parties? Even just, quoth Bridlegoose, after the + fashion of your other worships; to wit, when there are many bags on the + one side and on the other, I then use my little small dice, after the + customary manner of your other worships, in obedience to the law, Semper + in stipulationibus ff. de reg. jur. And the law ver(s)ified versifieth + that, Eod. tit. Semper in obscuris quod minimum est sequimur; canonized in + c. in obscuris. eod. tit. lib. 6. I have other large great dice, fair and + goodly ones, which I employ in the fashion that your other worships use to + do, when the matter is more plain, clear, and liquid, that is to say, when + there are fewer bags. But when you have done all these fine things, quoth + Trinquamelle, how do you, my friend, award your decrees, and pronounce + judgment? Even as your other worships, answered Bridlegoose; for I give + out sentence in his favour unto whom hath befallen the best chance by + dice, judiciary, tribunian, pretorial, what comes first. So our laws + command, ff. qui pot. in pign. l. creditor, c. de consul. 1. Et de regul. + jur. in 6. Qui prior est tempore potior est jure. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0040" id="link32HCH0040"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XL.—How Bridlegoose giveth reasons why he looked upon + those law-actions which he decided by the chance of the dice. + </h2> + <p> + Yea but, quoth Trinquamelle, my friend, seeing it is by the lot, chance, + and throw of the dice that you award your judgments and sentences, why do + not you livre up these fair throws and chances the very same day and hour, + without any further procrastination or delay, that the controverting + party-pleaders appear before you? To what use can those writings serve + you, those papers and other procedures contained in the bags and pokes of + the law-suitors? To the very same use, quoth Bridlegoose, that they serve + your other worships. They are behooveful unto me, and serve my turn in + three things very exquisite, requisite, and authentical. First, for + formality sake, the omission whereof, that it maketh all, whatever is + done, to be of no force nor value, is excellently well proved, by Spec. 1. + tit. de instr. edit. et tit. de rescript. praesent. Besides that, it is + not unknown to you, who have had many more experiments thereof than I, how + oftentimes, in judicial proceedings, the formalities utterly destroy the + materialities and substances of the causes and matters agitated; for Forma + mutata, mutatur substantia. ff. ad exhib. l. Julianus. ff. ad leg. Fal. l. + si is qui quadraginta. Et extra de decim. c. ad audientiam, et de + celebrat. miss. c. in quadam. + </p> + <p> + Secondly, they are useful and steadable to me, even as unto your other + worships, in lieu of some other honest and healthful exercise. The late + Master Othoman Vadet (Vadere), a prime physician, as you would say, Cod. + de Comit. et Archi. lib. 12, hath frequently told me that the lack and + default of bodily exercise is the chief, if not the sole and only cause of + the little health and short lives of all officers of justice, such as your + worships and I am. Which observation was singularly well before him noted + and remarked by Bartholus in lib. 1. c. de sent. quae pro eo quod. + Therefore it is that the practice of such-like exercitations is appointed + to be laid hold on by your other worships, and consequently not to be + denied unto me, who am of the same profession; Quia accessorium naturam + sequitur principalis. de reg. jur. l. 6. et l. cum principalis. et l. + nihil dolo. ff. eod. tit. ff. de fide-juss. l. fide-juss. et extra de + officio deleg. cap. 1. Let certain honest and recreative sports and plays + of corporeal exercises be allowed and approved of; and so far, (ff. de + allus. et aleat. l. solent. et authent.) ut omnes obed. in princ. coll. 7. + et ff. de praescript. verb. l. si gratuitam et l. 1. cod. de spect. l. 11. + Such also is the opinion of D. Thom, in secunda, secundae Q. I. 168. + Quoted in very good purpose by D. Albert de Rosa, who fuit magnus + practicus, and a solemn doctor, as Barbatias attesteth in principiis + consil. Wherefore the reason is evidently and clearly deduced and set down + before us in gloss. in prooemio. ff. par. ne autem tertii. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Interpone tuis interdum gaudia curis. +</pre> + <p> + In very deed, once, in the year a thousand four hundred fourscore and + ninth, having a business concerning the portion and inheritance of a + younger brother depending in the court and chamber of the four high + treasurers of France, whereinto as soon as ever I got leave to enter by a + pecuniary permission of the usher thereof,—as your other worships + know very well, that Pecuniae obediunt omnia, and there says Baldus, in l. + singularia. ff. si cert. pet. et Salic. in l. receptitia. Cod. de constit. + pecuni. et Card. in Clem. 1. de baptism.—I found them all recreating + and diverting themselves at the play called muss, either before or after + dinner; to me, truly, it is a thing altogether indifferent whether of the + two it was, provided that hic not., that the game of the muss is honest, + healthful, ancient, and lawful, a Muscho inventore, de quo cod. de petit. + haered. l. si post mortem. et Muscarii. Such as play and sport it at the + muss are excusable in and by law, lib. 1. c. de excus. artific. lib. 10. + And at the very same time was Master Tielman Picquet one of the players of + that game of muss. There is nothing that I do better remember, for he + laughed heartily when his fellow-members of the aforesaid judicial chamber + spoiled their caps in swingeing of his shoulders. He, nevertheless, did + even then say unto them, that the banging and flapping of him, to the + waste and havoc of their caps, should not, at their return from the palace + to their own houses, excuse them from their wives, Per. c. extra. de + praesumpt. et ibi gloss. Now, resolutorie loquendo, I should say, + according to the style and phrase of your other worships, that there is no + exercise, sport, game, play, nor recreation in all this palatine, + palatial, or parliamentary world, more aromatizing and fragrant than to + empty and void bags and purses, turn over papers and writings, quote + margins and backs of scrolls and rolls, fill panniers, and take inspection + of causes, Ex. Bart. et Joan. de Pra. in l. falsa. de condit. et demonst. + ff. + </p> + <p> + Thirdly, I consider, as your own worships use to do, that time ripeneth + and bringeth all things to maturity, that by time everything cometh to be + made manifest and patent, and that time is the father of truth and virtue. + Gloss. in l. 1. cod. de servit. authent. de restit. et ea quae pa. et + spec. tit. de requisit. cons. Therefore is it that, after the manner and + fashion of your other worships, I defer, protract, delay, prolong, + intermit, surcease, pause, linger, suspend, prorogate, drive out, + wire-draw, and shift off the time of giving a definitive sentence, to the + end that the suit or process, being well fanned and winnowed, tossed and + canvassed to and fro, narrowly, precisely, and nearly garbled, sifted, + searched, and examined, and on all hands exactly argued, disputed, and + debated, may, by succession of time, come at last to its full ripeness and + maturity. By means whereof, when the fatal hazard of the dice ensueth + thereupon, the parties cast or condemned by the said aleatory chance will + with much greater patience, and more mildly and gently, endure and bear up + the disastrous load of their misfortune, than if they had been sentenced + at their first arrival unto the court, as not. gl. ff. de excus. tut. l. + tria. onera. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Portatur leviter quod portat quisque libenter. +</pre> + <p> + On the other part, to pass a decree or sentence when the action is raw, + crude, green, unripe, unprepared, as at the beginning, a danger would + ensue of a no less inconveniency than that which the physicians have been + wont to say befalleth to him in whom an imposthume is pierced before it be + ripe, or unto any other whose body is purged of a strong predominating + humour before its digestion. For as it is written, in authent. haec + constit. in Innoc. de constit. princip., so is the same repeated in gloss. + in c. caeterum. extra. de juram. calumn. Quod medicamenta morbis exhibent, + hoc jura negotiis. Nature furthermore admonisheth and teacheth us to + gather and reap, eat and feed on fruits when they are ripe, and not + before. Instit. de rer. div. paragr. is ad quem et ff. de action. empt. l. + Julianus. To marry likewise our daughters when they are ripe, and no + sooner, ff. de donation. inter vir. et uxor. l. cum hic status. paragr. si + quis sponsam. et 27 qu. 1. c. sicut dicit. gl. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Jam matura thoro plenis adoleverat annis +Virginitas. +</pre> + <p> + And, in a word, she instructeth us to do nothing of any considerable + importance, but in a full maturity and ripeness, 23. q. para ult. et 23. + de c. ultimo. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0041" id="link32HCH0041"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XLI.—How Bridlegoose relateth the history of the + reconcilers of parties at variance in matters of law. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link3image-0011" id="link3image-0011"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/3-41-356.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Relateth the History of The Reconcilers--3-41-356" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + I remember to the same purpose, quoth Bridlegoose, in continuing his + discourse, that in the time when at Poictiers I was a student of law under + Brocadium Juris, there was at Semerve one Peter Dandin, a very honest man, + careful labourer of the ground, fine singer in a church-desk, of good + repute and credit, and older than the most aged of all your worships; who + was wont to say that he had seen the great and goodly good man, the + Council of Lateran, with his wide and broad-brimmed red hat. As also, that + he had beheld and looked upon the fair and beautiful Pragmatical Sanction + his wife, with her huge rosary or patenotrian chaplet of jet-beads hanging + at a large sky-coloured ribbon. This honest man compounded, atoned, and + agreed more differences, controversies, and variances at law than had been + determined, voided, and finished during his time in the whole palace of + Poictiers, in the auditory of Montmorillon, and in the town-house of the + old Partenay. This amicable disposition of his rendered him venerable and + of great estimation, sway, power, and authority throughout all the + neighbouring places of Chauvigny, Nouaille, Leguge, Vivonne, Mezeaux, + Estables, and other bordering and circumjacent towns, villages, and + hamlets. All their debates were pacified by him; he put an end to their + brabbling suits at law and wrangling differences. By his advice and + counsels were accords and reconcilements no less firmly made than if the + verdict of a sovereign judge had been interposed therein, although, in + very deed, he was no judge at all, but a right honest man, as you may well + conceive,—arg. in l. sed si unius. ff. de jure-jur. et de verbis + obligatoriis l.continuus. There was not a hog killed within three parishes + of him whereof he had not some part of the haslet and puddings. He was + almost every day invited either to a marriage banquet, christening feast, + an uprising or women-churching treatment, a birthday’s anniversary + solemnity, a merry frolic gossiping, or otherwise to some delicious + entertainment in a tavern, to make some accord and agreement between + persons at odds and in debate with one another. Remark what I say; for he + never yet settled and compounded a difference betwixt any two at variance, + but he straight made the parties agreed and pacified to drink together as + a sure and infallible token and symbol of a perfect and completely + well-cemented reconciliation, sign of a sound and sincere amity and proper + mark of a new joy and gladness to follow thereupon,—Ut not. per + (Doct.) ff. de peric. et com. rei vend. l. 1. He had a son, whose name was + Tenot Dandin, a lusty, young, sturdy, frisking roister, so help me God! + who likewise, in imitation of his peace-making father, would have + undertaken and meddled with the making up of variances and deciding of + controversies betwixt disagreeing and contentious party-pleaders; as you + know, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Saepe solet similis esse patri. +Et sequitur leviter filia matris iter. +</pre> + <p> + Ut ait gloss. 6, quaest. 1. c. Si quis. gloss. de cons. dist. 5. c. 2. + fin. et est. not. per Doct. cod. de impub. et aliis substit. l. ult. et l. + legitime. ff. de stat. hom. gloss. in l. quod si nolit. ff. de aedil. + edict. l. quisquis c. ad leg. Jul. Majest. Excipio filios a Moniali + susceptos ex Monacho. per glos. in c. impudicas. 27. quaestione. 1. And + such was his confidence to have no worse success than his father, he + assumed unto himself the title of Law-strife-settler. He was likewise in + these pacificatory negotiations so active and vigilant—for, + Vigilantibus jura subveniunt. ex l. pupillus. ff. quae in fraud. cred. et + ibid. l. non enim. et instit. in prooem.—that when he had smelt, + heard, and fully understood—ut ff.si quando paup. fec. l. Agaso. + gloss. in verb. olfecit, id est, nasum ad culum posuit—and found + that there was anywhere in the country a debatable matter at law, he would + incontinently thrust in his advice, and so forwardly intrude his opinion + in the business, that he made no bones of making offer, and taking upon + him to decide it, how difficult soever it might happen to be, to the full + contentment and satisfaction of both parties. It is written, Qui non + laborat non manducat; and the said gl. ff. de damn. infect. l. quamvis, + and Currere plus que le pas vetulam compellit egestas. gloss. ff. de lib. + agnosc. l. si quis. pro qua facit. l. si plures. c. de cond. incert. But + so hugely great was his misfortune in this his undertaking, that he never + composed any difference, how little soever you may imagine it might have + been, but that, instead of reconciling the parties at odds, he did + incense, irritate, and exasperate them to a higher point of dissension and + enmity than ever they were at before. Your worships know, I doubt not, + that, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Sermo datur cunctis, animi sapientia paucis. +</pre> + <p> + Gl. ff. de alien. jud. mut. caus. fa. lib.2. This administered unto the + tavern-keepers, wine-drawers, and vintners of Semerve an occasion to say, + that under him they had not in the space of a whole year so much + reconciliation-wine, for so were they pleased to call the good wine of + Leguge, as under his father they had done in one half-hour’s time. + It happened a little while thereafter that he made a most heavy regret + thereof to his father, attributing the causes of his bad success in + pacificatory enterprises to the perversity, stubbornness, froward, cross, + and backward inclinations of the people of his time; roundly, boldly, and + irreverently upbraiding, that if but a score of years before the world had + been so wayward, obstinate, pervicacious, implacable, and out of all + square, frame, and order as it was then, his father had never attained to + and acquired the honour and title of Strife-appeaser so irrefragably, + inviolably, and irrevocably as he had done. In doing whereof Tenot did + heinously transgress against the law which prohibiteth children to + reproach the actions of their parents; per gl. et Bart. l. 3. paragr. si + quis. ff. de cond. ob caus. et authent. de nupt. par. sed quod sancitum. + col. 4. To this the honest old father answered thus: My son Dandin, when + Don Oportet taketh place, this is the course which we must trace, gl. c. + de appell. l. eos etiam. For the road that you went upon was not the way + to the fuller’s mill, nor in any part thereof was the form to be + found wherein the hare did sit. Thou hast not the skill and dexterity of + settling and composing differences. Why? Because thou takest them at the + beginning, in the very infancy and bud as it were, when they are green, + raw, and indigestible. Yet I know handsomely and featly how to compose and + settle them all. Why? Because I take them at their decadence, in their + weaning, and when they are pretty well digested. So saith Gloss: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Dulcior est fructus post multa pericula ductus. +</pre> + <p> + L. non moriturus. c. de contrahend. et committ. stip. Didst thou ever hear + the vulgar proverb, Happy is the physician whose coming is desired at the + declension of a disease? For the sickness being come to a crisis is then + upon the decreasing hand, and drawing towards an end, although the + physician should not repair thither for the cure thereof; whereby, though + nature wholly do the work, he bears away the palm and praise thereof. My + pleaders, after the same manner, before I did interpose my judgment in the + reconciling of them, were waxing faint in their contestations. Their + altercation heat was much abated, and, in declining from their former + strife, they of themselves inclined to a firm accommodation of their + differences; because there wanted fuel to that fire of burning rancour and + despiteful wrangling whereof the lower sort of lawyers were the kindlers. + That is to say, their purses were emptied of coin, they had not a win in + their fob, nor penny in their bag, wherewith to solicit and present their + actions. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Deficiente pecu, deficit omne, nia. +</pre> + <p> + There wanted then nothing but some brother to supply the place of a + paranymph, brawl-broker, proxenete, or mediator, who, acting his part + dexterously, should be the first broacher of the motion of an agreement, + for saving both the one and the other party from that hurtful and + pernicious shame whereof he could not have avoided the imputation when it + should have been said that he was the first who yielded and spoke of a + reconcilement, and that therefore, his cause not being good, and being + sensible where his shoe did pinch him, he was willing to break the ice, + and make the greater haste to prepare the way for a condescendment to an + amicable and friendly treaty. Then was it that I came in pudding time, + Dandin, my son, nor is the fat of bacon more relishing to boiled peas than + was my verdict then agreeable to them. This was my luck, my profit, and + good fortune. I tell thee, my jolly son Dandin, that by this rule and + method I could settle a firm peace, or at least clap up a cessation of + arms and truce for many years to come, betwixt the Great King and the + Venetian State, the Emperor and the Cantons of Switzerland, the English + and the Scots, and betwixt the Pope and the Ferrarians. Shall I go yet + further? Yea, as I would have God to help me, betwixt the Turk and the + Sophy, the Tartars and the Muscoviters. Remark well what I am to say unto + thee. I would take them at that very instant nick of time when both those + of the one and the other side should be weary and tired of making war, + when they had voided and emptied their own cashes and coffers of all + treasure and coin, drained and exhausted the purses and bags of their + subjects, sold and mortgaged their domains and proper inheritances, and + totally wasted, spent, and consumed the munition, furniture, provision, + and victuals that were necessary for the continuance of a military + expedition. There I am sure, by God, or by his Mother, that, would they, + would they not, in spite of all their teeths, they should be forced to + have a little respite and breathing time to moderate the fury and cruel + rage of their ambitious aims. This is the doctrine in Gl. 37. d. c. si + quando. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Odero, si potero; si non, invitus amabo. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0042" id="link32HCH0042"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XLII.—How suits at law are bred at first, and how they + come afterwards to their perfect growth. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link3image-0012" id="link3image-0012"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/3-42-360.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Sucking Very Much at the Purses of The Pleading Parties--3-42-360" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + For this cause, quoth Bridlegoose, going on in his discourse, I temporize + and apply myself to the times, as your other worships use to do, waiting + patiently for the maturity of the process, full growth and perfection + thereof in all its members, to wit, the writings and the bags. Arg. in l. + si major. c. commun. divid. et de cons. di. 1. c. solemnitates, et ibi gl. + A suit in law at its production, birth, and first beginning, seemeth to + me, as unto your other worships, shapeless, without form or fashion, + incomplete, ugly and imperfect, even as a bear at his first coming into + the world hath neither hands, skin, hair, nor head, but is merely an + inform, rude, and ill-favoured piece and lump of flesh, and would remain + still so, if his dam, out of the abundance of her affection to her hopeful + cub, did not with much licking put his members into that figure and shape + which nature had provided for those of an arctic and ursinal kind; ut not. + Doct. ff. ad l. Aquil. l. 3. in fin. Just so do I see, as your other + worships do, processes and suits in law, at their first bringing forth, to + be numberless, without shape, deformed, and disfigured, for that then they + consist only of one or two writings, or copies of instruments, through + which defect they appear unto me, as to your other worships, foul, + loathsome, filthy, and misshapen beasts. But when there are heaps of these + legiformal papers packed, piled, laid up together, impoked, insatchelled, + and put up in bags, then is it that with a good reason we may term that + suit, to which, as pieces, parcels, parts, portions, and members thereof, + they do pertain and belong, well-formed and fashioned, big-limbed, + strong-set, and in all and each of its dimensions most completely + membered. Because forma dat esse. rei. l. si is qui. ff. ad leg. Falcid. + in c. cum dilecta. de rescript. Barbat. consil. 12. lib. 2, and before + him, Baldus, in c. ult. extra. de consuet. et l. Julianus ad exhib. ff. et + l. quaesitum. ff. de leg. 3. The manner is such as is set down in gl. p. + quaest. 1. c. Paulus. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Debile principium melior fortuna sequetur. +</pre> + <p> + Like your other worships, also the sergeants, catchpoles, pursuivants, + messengers, summoners, apparitors, ushers, door-keepers, pettifoggers, + attorneys, proctors, commissioners, justices of the peace, judge + delegates, arbitrators, overseers, sequestrators, advocates, inquisitors, + jurors, searchers, examiners, notaries, tabellions, scribes, scriveners, + clerks, pregnotaries, secondaries, and expedanean judges, de quibus tit. + est. l. 3. c., by sucking very much, and that exceeding forcibly, and + licking at the purses of the pleading parties, they, to the suits already + begot and engendered, form, fashion, and frame head, feet, claws, talons, + beaks, bills, teeth, hands, veins, sinews, arteries, muscles, humours, and + so forth, through all the similary and dissimilary parts of the whole; + which parts, particles, pendicles, and appurtenances are the law pokes and + bags, gl. de cons. d. 4. c. accepisti. Qualis vestis erit, talia corda + gerit. Hic notandum est, that in this respect the pleaders, litigants, and + law-suitors are happier than the officers, ministers, and administrators + of justice. For beatius est dare quam accipere. ff. commun. l. 3. extra. + de celebr. Miss. c. cum Marthae. et 24. quaest. 1. cap. Od. gl. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Affectum dantis pensat censura tonantis. +</pre> + <p> + Thus becometh the action or process by their care and industry to be of a + complete and goodly bulk, well shaped, framed, formed, and fashioned + according to the canonical gloss. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Accipe, sume, cape, sunt verba placentia Papae. +</pre> + <p> + Which speech hath been more clearly explained by Albert de Ros, in verbo + Roma. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Roma manus rodit, quas rodere non valet, odit. +Dantes custodit, non dantes spernit, et odit. +</pre> + <p> + The reason whereof is thought to be this: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Ad praesens ova cras pullis sunt meliora. +</pre> + <p> + ut est gl. in l. quum hi. ff. de transact. Nor is this all; for the + inconvenience of the contrary is set down in gloss. c. de allu. l. fin. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Quum labor in damno est, crescit mortalis egestas. +</pre> + <p> + In confirmation whereof we find that the true etymology and exposition of + the word process is purchase, viz. of good store of money to the lawyers, + and of many pokes—id est, prou-sacks—to the pleaders, upon + which subject we have most celestial quips, gibes, and girds. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Ligitando jura crescunt; litigando jus acquiritur. +</pre> + <p> + Item gl. in cap. illud extrem. de praesumpt. et c. de prob. l. instrum. l. + non epistolis. l. non nudis. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Et si non prosunt singula, multa juvant. +</pre> + <p> + Yea but, asked Trinquamelle, how do you proceed, my friend, in criminal + causes, the culpable and guilty party being taken and seized upon + flagrante crimine? Even as your other worships use to do, answered + Bridlegoose. First, I permit the plaintiff to depart from the court, + enjoining him not to presume to return thither till he preallably should + have taken a good sound and profound sleep, which is to serve for the + prime entry and introduction to the legal carrying on of the business. In + the next place, a formal report is to be made to me of his having slept. + Thirdly, I issue forth a warrant to convene him before me. Fourthly, he is + to produce a sufficient and authentic attestation of his having thoroughly + and entirely slept, conform to the Gloss. 37. Quest. 7. c. Si quis cum. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Quandoque bonus dormitat Homerus. +</pre> + <p> + Being thus far advanced in the formality of the process, I find that this + consopiating act engendereth another act, whence ariseth the articulating + of a member. That again produceth a third act, fashionative of another + member; which third bringing forth a fourth, procreative of another act. + New members in a no fewer number are shapen and framed, one still breeding + and begetting another—as, link after link, the coat of mail at + length is made—till thus, piece after piece, by little and little, + by information upon information, the process be completely well formed and + perfect in all his members. Finally, having proceeded this length, I have + recourse to my dice, nor is it to be thought that this interruption, + respite, or interpellation is by me occasioned without very good reason + inducing me thereunto, and a notable experience of a most convincing and + irrefragable force. + </p> + <p> + I remember, on a time, that in the camp at Stockholm there was a certain + Gascon named Gratianauld, native of the town of Saint Sever, who having + lost all his money at play, and consecutively being very angry thereat—as + you know, Pecunia est alter sanguis, ut ait Anto. de Burtio, in c. + accedens. 2. extra ut lit. non contest. et Bald. in l. si tuis. c. de opt. + leg. per tot.in l. advocati. c. de advoc. div. jud. Pecunia est vita + hominis et optimus fide-jussor in necessitatibus—did, at his coming + forth of the gaming-house, in the presence of the whole company that was + there, with a very loud voice speak in his own language these following + words: Pao cap de bious hillots, que maux de pipes bous tresbire: ares que + de pergudes sont les mires bingt, et quouatre bagnelles, ta pla donnerien + pics, trucs, et patacts, Sey degun de bous aulx, qui boille truquar ambe + iou a bels embis. Finding that none would make him any answer, he passed + from thence to that part of the leaguer where the huff-snuff, honder + sponder, swashbuckling High Germans were, to whom he renewed these very + terms, provoking them to fight with him; but all the return he had from + them to his stout challenge was only, Der Gasconner thut sich ausz mit ein + iedem zu schlagen, aber er ist geneigter zu stehlen, darum, liebe frawen, + habt sorg zu euerm hauszrath. Finding also that none of that band of + Teutonic soldiers offered himself to the combat, he passed to that quarter + of the leaguer where the French freebooting adventurers were encamped, and + reiterating unto them what he had before repeated to the Dutch warriors, + challenged them likewise to fight with him, and therewithal made some + pretty little Gasconado frisking gambols to oblige them the more + cheerfully and gallantly to cope with him in the lists of a duellizing + engagement; but no answer at all was made unto him. Whereupon the Gascon, + despairing of meeting with any antagonists, departed from thence, and + laying himself down not far from the pavilions of the grand Christian + cavalier Crissie, fell fast asleep. When he had thoroughly slept an hour + or two, another adventurous and all-hazarding blade of the forlorn hope of + the lavishingly wasting gamesters, having also lost all his moneys, + sallied forth with sword in his hand, of a firm resolution to fight with + the aforesaid Gascon, seeing he had lost as well as he. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Ploratur lachrymis amissa pecunia veris, +</pre> + <p> + saith the Gl. de poenitent. distinct. 3. c. sunt plures. To this effect + having made inquiry and search for him throughout the whole camp, and in + sequel thereof found him asleep, he said unto him, Up, ho, good fellow, in + the name of all the devils of hell, rise up, rise up, get up! I have lost + my money as well as thou hast done; let us therefore go fight lustily + together, grapple and scuffle it to some purpose. Thou mayest look and see + that my tuck is no longer than thy rapier. The Gascon, altogether + astonished at his unexpected provocation, without altering his former + dialect spoke thus: Cap de Saint Arnault, quau seys to you, qui me + rebeillez? Que mau de taberne te gire. Ho Saint Siobe, cap de Gascoigne, + ta pla dormy jou, quand aquoest taquain me bingut estee. The venturous + roister inviteth him again to the duel, but the Gascon, without + condescending to his desire, said only this: He paovret jou tesquinerie + ares, que son pla reposat. Vayne un pauque te pausar com jou, peusse + truqueren. Thus, in forgetting his loss, he forgot the eagerness which he + had to fight. In conclusion, after that the other had likewise slept a + little, they, instead of fighting, and possibly killing one another, went + jointly to a sutler’s tent, where they drank together very amicably, + each upon the pawn of his sword. Thus by a little sleep was pacified the + ardent fury of two warlike champions. There, gossip, comes the golden word + of John Andr. in cap. ult. de sent. et re. judic. l. sexto. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Sedendo, et dormiendo fit anima prudens. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0043" id="link32HCH0043"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XLIII.—How Pantagruel excuseth Bridlegoose in the matter + of sentencing actions at law by the chance of the dice. + </h2> + <p> + With this Bridlegoose held his peace. Whereupon Trinquamelle bid him + withdraw from the court—which accordingly was done—and then + directed his discourse to Pantagruel after this manner: It is fitting, + most illustrious prince, not only by reason of the deep obligations + wherein this present parliament, together with the whole marquisate of + Mirelingues, stand bound to your royal highness for the innumerable + benefits which, as effects of mere grace, they have received from your + incomparable bounty, but for that excellent wit also, prime judgment, and + admirable learning wherewith Almighty God, the giver of all good things, + hath most richly qualified and endowed you, we tender and present unto you + the decision of this new, strange, and paradoxical case of Bridlegoose; + who, in your presence, to your both hearing and seeing, hath plainly + confessed his final judging and determinating of suits of law by the mere + chance and fortune of the dice. Therefore do we beseech you that you may + be pleased to give sentence therein as unto you shall seem most just and + equitable. To this Pantagruel answered: Gentlemen, it is not unknown to + you how my condition is somewhat remote from the profession of deciding + law controversies; yet, seeing you are pleased to do me the honour to put + that task upon me, instead of undergoing the office of a judge I will + become your humble supplicant. I observe, gentlemen, in this Bridlegoose + several things which induce me to represent before you that it is my + opinion he should be pardoned. In the first place, his old age; secondly, + his simplicity; to both which qualities our statute and common laws, civil + and municipal together, allow many excuses for any slips or escapes which, + through the invincible imperfection of either, have been inconsiderately + stumbled upon by a person so qualified. Thirdly, gentlemen, I must needs + display before you another case, which in equity and justice maketh much + for the advantage of Bridlegoose, to wit, that this one, sole, and single + fault of his ought to be quite forgotten, abolished, and swallowed up by + that immense and vast ocean of just dooms and sentences which heretofore + he hath given and pronounced; his demeanours, for these forty years and + upwards that he hath been a judge, having been so evenly balanced in the + scales of uprightness, that envy itself till now could not have been so + impudent as to accuse and twit him with any act worthy of a check or + reprehension; as, if a drop of the sea were thrown into the Loire, none + could perceive or say that by this single drop the whole river should be + salt and brackish. + </p> + <p> + Truly, it seemeth unto me, that in the whole series of Bridlegoose’s + juridical decrees there hath been I know not what of extraordinary + savouring of the unspeakable benignity of God, that all those his + preceding sentences, awards, and judgments, have been confirmed and + approved of by yourselves in this your own venerable and sovereign court. + For it is usual, as you know well, with him whose ways are inscrutable, to + manifest his own ineffable glory in blunting the perspicacy of the eyes of + the wise, in weakening the strength of potent oppressors, in depressing + the pride of rich extortioners, and in erecting, comforting, protecting, + supporting, upholding, and shoring up the poor, feeble, humble, silly, and + foolish ones of the earth. But, waiving all these matters, I shall only + beseech you, not by the obligations which you pretend to owe to my family, + for which I thank you, but for that constant and unfeigned love and + affection which you have always found in me, both on this and on the other + side of Loire, for the maintenance and establishment of your places, + offices, and dignities, that for this one time you would pardon and + forgive him upon these two conditions. First, that he satisfy, or put a + sufficient surety for the satisfaction of the party wronged by the + injustice of the sentence in question. For the fulfilment of this article + I will provide sufficiently. And, secondly, that for his subsidiary aid in + the weighty charge of administrating justice you would be pleased to + appoint and assign unto him some pretty little virtuous counsellor, + younger, learneder, and wiser than he, by the square and rule of whose + advice he may regulate, guide, temper, and moderate in times coming all + his judiciary procedures; or otherwise, if you intend totally to depose + him from his office, and to deprive him altogether of the state and + dignity of a judge, I shall cordially entreat you to make a present and + free gift of him to me, who shall find in my kingdoms charges and + employments enough wherewith to embusy him, for the bettering of his own + fortunes and furtherance of my service. In the meantime, I implore the + Creator, Saviour, and Sanctifier of all good things, in his grace, mercy, + and kindness, to preserve you all now and evermore, world without end. + </p> + <p> + These words thus spoken, Pantagruel, vailing his cap and making a leg with + such a majestic garb as became a person of his paramount degree and + eminency, farewelled Trinquamelle, the president and master-speaker of + that Mirelinguesian parliament, took his leave of the whole court, and + went out of the chamber; at the door whereof finding Panurge, Epistemon, + Friar John, and others, he forthwith, attended by them, walked to the + outer gate, where all of them immediately took horse to return towards + Gargantua. Pantagruel by the way related to them from point to point the + manner of Bridlegoose’s sententiating differences at law. Friar John + said that he had seen Peter Dandin, and was acquainted with him at that + time when he sojourned in the monastery of Fontaine le Comte, under the + noble Abbot Ardillon. Gymnast likewise affirmed that he was in the tent of + the grand Christian cavalier De Crissie, when the Gascon, after his sleep, + made answer to the adventurer. Panurge was somewhat incredulous in the + matter of believing that it was morally possible Bridlegoose should have + been for such a long space of time so continually fortunate in that + aleatory way of deciding law debates. Epistemon said to Pantagruel, Such + another story, not much unlike to that in all the circumstances thereof, + is vulgarly reported of the provost of Montlehery. In good sooth, such a + perpetuity of good luck is to be wondered at. To have hit right twice or + thrice in a judgment so given by haphazard might have fallen out well + enough, especially in controversies that were ambiguous, intricate, + abstruse, perplexed, and obscure. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0044" id="link32HCH0044"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XLIV.—How Pantagruel relateth a strange history of the + perplexity of human judgment. + </h2> + <p> + Seeing you talk, quoth Pantagruel, of dark, difficult, hard, and knotty + debates, I will tell you of one controverted before Cneius Dolabella, + proconsul in Asia. The case was this. + </p> + <p> + A wife in Smyrna had of her first husband a child named Abece. He dying, + she, after the expiring of a year and day, married again, and to her + second husband bore a boy called Effege. A pretty long time thereafter it + happened, as you know the affection of stepfathers and stepdams is very + rare towards the children of the first fathers and mothers deceased, that + this husband, with the help of his son Effege, secretly, wittingly, + willingly, and treacherously murdered Abece. The woman came no sooner to + get information of the fact, but, that it might not go unpunished, she + caused kill them both, to revenge the death of her first son. She was + apprehended and carried before Cneius Dolabella, in whose presence she, + without dissembling anything, confessed all that was laid to her charge; + yet alleged that she had both right and reason on her side for the killing + of them. Thus was the state of the question. He found the business so + dubious and intricate, that he knew not what to determine therein, nor + which of the parties to incline to. On the one hand, it was an execrable + crime to cut off at once both her second husband and her son. On the other + hand, the cause of the murder seemed to be so natural, as to be grounded + upon the law of nations and the rational instinct of all the people of the + world, seeing they two together had feloniously and murderously destroyed + her first son; not that they had been in any manner of way wronged, + outraged, or injured by him, but out of an avaricious intent to possess + his inheritance. In this doubtful quandary and uncertainty what to pitch + upon, he sent to the Areopagites then sitting at Athens to learn and + obtain their advice and judgment. That judicious senate, very sagely + perpending the reasons of his perplexity, sent him word to summon her + personally to compear before him a precise hundred years thereafter, to + answer to some interrogatories touching certain points which were not + contained in the verbal defence. Which resolution of theirs did import + that it was in their opinion a so difficult and inextricable matter that + they knew not what to say or judge therein. Who had decided that plea by + the chance and fortune of the dice, could not have erred nor awarded amiss + on which side soever he had passed his casting and condemnatory sentence. + If against the woman, she deserved punishment for usurping sovereign + authority by taking that vengeance at her own hand, the inflicting whereof + was only competent to the supreme power to administer justice in criminal + cases. If for her, the just resentment of a so atrocious injury done unto + her, in murdering her innocent son, did fully excuse and vindicate her of + any trespass or offence about that particular committed by her. But this + continuation of Bridlegoose for so many years still hitting the nail on + the head, never missing the mark, and always judging aright, by the mere + throwing of the dice and chance thereof, is that which most astonisheth + and amazeth me. + </p> + <p> + To answer, quoth Pantagruel (Epistemon, says the English edition of 1694, + following the reading of the modern French editions. Le Duchat has pointed + out the mistake.—M.), categorically to that which you wonder at, I + must ingeniously confess and avow that I cannot; yet, conjecturally to + guess at the reason of it, I would refer the cause of that marvellously + long-continued happy success in the judiciary results of his definitive + sentences to the favourable aspect of the heavens and benignity of the + intelligences; who, out of their love to goodness, after having + contemplated the pure simplicity and sincere unfeignedness of Judge + Bridlegoose in the acknowledgment of his inabilities, did regulate that + for him by chance which by the profoundest act of his maturest + deliberation he was not able to reach unto. That, likewise, which possibly + made him to diffide in his own skill and capacity, notwithstanding his + being an expert and understanding lawyer, for anything that I know to the + contrary, was the knowledge and experience which he had of the antinomies, + contrarieties, antilogies, contradictions, traversings, and thwartings of + laws, customs, edicts, statutes, orders, and ordinances, in which + dangerous opposition, equity and justice being structured and founded on + either of the opposite terms, and a gap being thereby opened for the + ushering in of injustice and iniquity through the various interpretations + of self-ended lawyers, being assuredly persuaded that the infernal + calumniator, who frequently transformeth himself into the likeness of a + messenger or angel of light, maketh use of these cross glosses and + expositions in the mouths and pens of his ministers and servants, the + perverse advocates, bribing judges, law-monging attorneys, prevaricating + counsellors, and other such-like law-wresting members of a court of + justice, to turn by those means black to white, green to grey, and what is + straight to a crooked ply. For the more expedient doing whereof, these + diabolical ministers make both the pleading parties believe that their + cause is just and righteous; for it is well known that there is no cause, + how bad soever, which doth not find an advocate to patrocinate and defend + it,—else would there be no process in the world, no suits at law, + nor pleadings at the bar. He did in these extremities, as I conceive, most + humbly recommend the direction of his judicial proceedings to the upright + judge of judges, God Almighty; did submit himself to the conduct and + guideship of the blessed Spirit in the hazard and perplexity of the + definitive sentence, and, by this aleatory lot, did as it were implore and + explore the divine decree of his goodwill and pleasure, instead of that + which we call the final judgment of a court. To this effect, to the better + attaining to his purpose, which was to judge righteously, he did, in my + opinion, throw and turn the dice, to the end that by the providence + aforesaid the best chance might fall to him whose action was uprightest, + and backed with greatest reason. In doing whereof he did not stray from + the sense of Talmudists, who say that there is so little harm in that + manner of searching the truth, that in the anxiety and perplexedness of + human wits God oftentimes manifesteth the secret pleasure of his divine + will. + </p> + <p> + Furthermore, I will neither think nor say, nor can I believe, that the + unstraightness is so irregular, or the corruption so evident, of those of + the parliament of Mirelingois in Mirelingues, before whom Bridlegoose was + arraigned for prevarication, that they will maintain it to be a worse + practice to have the decision of a suit at law referred to the chance and + hazard of a throw of the dice, hab nab, or luck as it will, than to have + it remitted to and passed by the determination of those whose hands are + full of blood and hearts of wry affections. Besides that, their principal + direction in all law matters comes to their hands from one Tribonian, a + wicked, miscreant, barbarous, faithless and perfidious knave, so + pernicious, unjust, avaricious, and perverse in his ways, that it was his + ordinary custom to sell laws, edicts, declarations, constitutions, and + ordinances, as at an outroop or putsale, to him who offered most for them. + Thus did he shape measures for the pleaders, and cut their morsels to them + by and out of these little parcels, fragments, bits, scantlings, and + shreds of the law now in use, altogether concealing, suppressing, + disannulling, and abolishing the remainder, which did make for the total + law; fearing that, if the whole law were made manifest and laid open to + the knowledge of such as are interested in it, and the learned books of + the ancient doctors of the law upon the exposition of the Twelve Tables + and Praetorian Edicts, his villainous pranks, naughtiness, and vile + impiety should come to the public notice of the world. Therefore were it + better, in my conceit, that is to say, less inconvenient, that parties at + variance in any juridical case should in the dark march upon caltrops than + submit the determination of what is their right to such unhallowed + sentences and horrible decrees; as Cato in his time wished and advised + that every judiciary court should be paved with caltrops. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0045" id="link32HCH0045"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XLV.—How Panurge taketh advice of Triboulet. + </h2> + <p> + On the sixth day thereafter Pantagruel was returned home at the very same + hour that Triboulet was by water come from Blois. Panurge, at his arrival, + gave him a hog’s bladder puffed up with wind, and resounding because + of the hard peas that were within it. Moreover he did present him with a + gilt wooden sword, a hollow budget made of a tortoise shell, an + osier-wattled wicker-bottle full of Breton wine, and five-and-twenty + apples of the orchard of Blandureau. + </p> + <p> + If he be such a fool, quoth Carpalin, as to be won with apples, there is + no more wit in his pate than in the head of an ordinary cabbage. Triboulet + girded the sword and scrip to his side, took the bladder in his hand, ate + some few of the apples, and drunk up all the wine. Panurge very wistly and + heedfully looking upon him said, I never yet saw a fool, and I have seen + ten thousand francs worth of that kind of cattle, who did not love to + drink heartily, and by good long draughts. When Triboulet had done with + his drinking, Panurge laid out before him and exposed the sum of the + business wherein he was to require his advice, in eloquent and + choicely-sorted terms, adorned with flourishes of rhetoric. But, before he + had altogether done, Triboulet with his fist gave him a bouncing whirret + between the shoulders, rendered back into his hand again the empty bottle, + fillipped and flirted him in the nose with the hog’s bladder, and + lastly, for a final resolution, shaking and wagging his head strongly and + disorderly, he answered nothing else but this, By God, God, mad fool, + beware the monk, Buzansay hornpipe! These words thus finished, he slipped + himself out of the company, went aside, and, rattling the bladder, took a + huge delight in the melody of the rickling crackling noise of the peas. + After which time it lay not in the power of them all to draw out of his + chaps the articulate sound of one syllable, insomuch that, when Panurge + went about to interrogate him further, Triboulet drew his wooden sword, + and would have stuck him therewith. I have fished fair now, quoth Panurge, + and brought my pigs to a fine market. Have I not got a brave determination + of all my doubts, and a response in all things agreeable to the oracle + that gave it? He is a great fool, that is not to be denied, yet is he a + greater fool who brought him hither to me,—That bolt, quoth + Carpalin, levels point-blank at me,—but of the three I am the + greatest fool, who did impart the secret of my thoughts to such an idiot + ass and native ninny. + </p> + <p> + Without putting ourselves to any stir or trouble in the least, quoth + Pantagruel, let us maturely and seriously consider and perpend the + gestures and speech which he hath made and uttered. In them, veritably, + quoth he, have I remarked and observed some excellent and notable + mysteries; yea, of such important worth and weight, that I shall never + henceforth be astonished, nor think strange, why the Turks with a great + deal of worship and reverence honour and respect natural fools equally + with their primest doctors, muftis, divines, and prophets. Did not you + take heed, quoth he, a little before he opened his mouth to speak, what a + shogging, shaking, and wagging his head did keep? By the approved doctrine + of the ancient philosophers, the customary ceremonies of the most expert + magicians, and the received opinions of the learnedest lawyers, such a + brangling agitation and moving should by us all be judged to proceed from, + and be quickened and suscitated by the coming and inspiration of the + prophetizing and fatidical spirit, which, entering briskly and on a sudden + into a shallow receptacle of a debile substance (for, as you know, and as + the proverb shows it, a little head containeth not much brains), was the + cause of that commotion. This is conform to what is avouched by the most + skilful physicians, when they affirm that shakings and tremblings fall + upon the members of a human body, partly because of the heaviness and + violent impetuosity of the burden and load that is carried, and, other + part, by reason of the weakness and imbecility that is in the virtue of + the bearing organ. A manifest example whereof appeareth in those who, + fasting, are not able to carry to their head a great goblet full of wine + without a trembling and a shaking in the hand that holds it. This of old + was accounted a prefiguration and mystical pointing out of the Pythian + divineress, who used always, before the uttering of a response from the + oracle, to shake a branch of her domestic laurel. Lampridius also + testifieth that the Emperor Heliogabalus, to acquire unto himself the + reputation of a soothsayer, did, on several holy days of prime solemnnity, + in the presence of the fanatic rabble, make the head of his idol by some + slight within the body thereof publicly to shake. Plautus, in his + Asinaria, declareth likewise, that Saurias, whithersoever he walked, like + one quite distracted of his wits kept such a furious lolling and mad-like + shaking of his head, that he commonly affrighted those who casually met + with him in his way. The said author in another place, showing a reason + why Charmides shook and brangled his head, assevered that he was + transported and in an ecstasy. Catullus after the same manner maketh + mention, in his Berecynthia and Atys, of the place wherein the Menades, + Bacchical women, she-priests of the Lyaean god, and demented prophetesses, + carrying ivy boughs in their hands, did shake their heads. As in the like + case, amongst the Galli, the gelded priests of Cybele were wont to do in + the celebrating of their festivals. Whence, too, according to the sense of + the ancient theologues, she herself has her denomination, for kubistan + signifieth to turn round, whirl about, shake the head, and play the part + of one that is wry-necked. + </p> + <p> + Semblably Titus Livius writeth that, in the solemnization time of the + Bacchanalian holidays at Rome, both men and women seemed to prophetize and + vaticinate, because of an affected kind of wagging of the head, shrugging + of the shoulders, and jectigation of the whole body, which they used then + most punctually. For the common voice of the philosophers, together with + the opinion of the people, asserteth for an irrefragable truth that + vaticination is seldom by the heavens bestowed on any without the + concomitancy of a little frenzy and a head-shaking, not only when the said + presaging virtue is infused, but when the person also therewith inspired + declareth and manifesteth it unto others. The learned lawyer Julian, being + asked on a time if that slave might be truly esteemed to be healthful and + in a good plight who had not only conversed with some furious, maniac, and + enraged people, but in their company had also prophesied, yet without a + noddle-shaking concussion, answered that, seeing there was no head-wagging + at the time of his predictions, he might be held for sound and compotent + enough. Is it not daily seen how schoolmasters, teachers, tutors, and + instructors of children shake the heads of their disciples, as one would + do a pot in holding it by the lugs, that by this erection, vellication, + stretching, and pulling their ears, which, according to the doctrine of + the sage Egyptians, is a member consecrated to the memory, they may stir + them up to recollect their scattered thoughts, bring home those fancies of + theirs which perhaps have been extravagantly roaming abroad upon strange + and uncouth objects, and totally range their judgments, which possibly by + disordinate affections have been made wild, to the rule and pattern of a + wise, discreet, virtuous, and philosophical discipline. All which Virgil + acknowledgeth to be true, in the branglement of Apollo Cynthius. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0046" id="link32HCH0046"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XLVI.—How Pantagruel and Panurge diversely interpret the + words of Triboulet. + </h2> + <p> + He says you are a fool. And what kind of fool? A mad fool, who in your old + age would enslave yourself to the bondage of matrimony, and shut your + pleasures up within a wedlock whose key some ruffian carries in his + codpiece. He says furthermore, Beware of the monk. Upon mine honour, it + gives me in my mind that you will be cuckolded by a monk. Nay, I will + engage mine honour, which is the most precious pawn I could have in my + possession although I were sole and peaceable dominator over all Europe, + Asia, and Africa, that, if you marry, you will surely be one of the horned + brotherhood of Vulcan. Hereby may you perceive how much I do attribute to + the wise foolery of our morosoph Triboulet. The other oracles and + responses did in the general prognosticate you a cuckold, without + descending so near to the point of a particular determination as to pitch + upon what vocation amongst the several sorts of men he should profess who + is to be the copesmate of your wife and hornifier of your proper self. + Thus noble Triboulet tells it us plainly, from whose words we may gather + with all ease imaginable that your cuckoldry is to be infamous, and so + much the more scandalous that your conjugal bed will be incestuously + contaminated with the filthiness of a monkery lecher. Moreover, he says + that you will be the hornpipe of Buzansay, that is to say, well-horned, + hornified, and cornuted. And, as Triboulet’s uncle asked from Louis + the Twelfth, for a younger brother of his own who lived at Blois, the + hornpipes of Buzansay, for the organ pipes, through the mistake of one + word for another, even so, whilst you think to marry a wise, humble, calm, + discreet, and honest wife, you shall unhappily stumble upon one witless, + proud, loud, obstreperous, bawling, clamorous, and more unpleasant than + any Buzansay hornpipe. Consider withal how he flirted you on the nose with + the bladder, and gave you a sound thumping blow with his fist upon the + ridge of the back. This denotates and presageth that you shall be banged, + beaten, and fillipped by her, and that also she will steal of your goods + from you, as you stole the hog’s bladder from the little boys of + Vaubreton. + </p> + <p> + Flat contrary, quoth Panurge;—not that I would impudently exempt + myself from being a vassal in the territory of folly. I hold of that + jurisdiction, and am subject thereto, I confess it. And why should I not? + For the whole world is foolish. In the old Lorraine language, fou for tou, + all and fool, were the same thing. Besides, it is avouched by Solomon that + infinite is the number of fools. From an infinity nothing can be deducted + or abated, nor yet, by the testimony of Aristotle, can anything thereto be + added or subjoined. Therefore were I a mad fool if, being a fool, I should + not hold myself a fool. After the same manner of speaking, we may aver the + number of the mad and enraged folks to be infinite. Avicenna maketh no + bones to assert that the several kinds of madness are infinite. Though + this much of Triboulet’s words tend little to my advantage, howbeit + the prejudice which I sustain thereby be common with me to all other men, + yet the rest of his talk and gesture maketh altogether for me. He said to + my wife, Be wary of the monkey; that is as much as if she should be + cheery, and take as much delight in a monkey as ever did the Lesbia of + Catullus in her sparrow; who will for his recreation pass his time no less + joyfully at the exercise of snatching flies than heretofore did the + merciless fly-catcher Domitian. Withal he meant, by another part of his + discourse, that she should be of a jovial country-like humour, as gay and + pleasing as a harmonious hornpipe of Saulieau or Buzansay. The veridical + Triboulet did therein hint at what I liked well, as perfectly knowing the + inclinations and propensions of my mind, my natural disposition, and the + bias of my interior passions and affections. For you may be assured that + my humour is much better satisfied and contented with the pretty, frolic, + rural, dishevelled shepherdesses, whose bums through their coarse canvas + smocks smell of the clover grass of the field, than with those great + ladies in magnific courts, with their flandan top-knots and sultanas, + their polvil, pastillos, and cosmetics. The homely sound, likewise, of a + rustical hornpipe is more agreeable to my ears than the curious warbling + and musical quavering of lutes, theorbos, viols, rebecs, and violins. He + gave me a lusty rapping thwack on my back,—what then? Let it pass, + in the name and for the love of God, as an abatement of and deduction from + so much of my future pains in purgatory. He did it not out of any evil + intent. He thought, belike, to have hit some of the pages. He is an honest + fool, and an innocent changeling. It is a sin to harbour in the heart any + bad conceit of him. As for myself, I heartily pardon him. He flirted me on + the nose. In that there is no harm; for it importeth nothing else but that + betwixt my wife and me there will occur some toyish wanton tricks which + usually happen to all new-married folks. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0047" id="link32HCH0047"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XLVII.—How Pantagruel and Panurge resolved to make a visit + to the oracle of the holy bottle. + </h2> + <p> + There is as yet another point, quoth Panurge, which you have not at all + considered on, although it be the chief and principal head of the matter. + He put the bottle in my hand and restored it me again. How interpret you + that passage? What is the meaning of that? He possibly, quoth Pantagruel, + signifieth thereby that your wife will be such a drunkard as shall daily + take in her liquor kindly, and ply the pots and bottles apace. Quite + otherwise, quoth Panurge; for the bottle was empty. I swear to you, by the + prickling brambly thorn of St. Fiacre in Brie, that our unique morosoph, + whom I formerly termed the lunatic Triboulet, referreth me, for attaining + to the final resolution of my scruple, to the response-giving bottle. + Therefore do I renew afresh the first vow which I made, and here in your + presence protest and make oath, by Styx and Acheron, to carry still + spectacles in my cap, and never to wear a codpiece in my breeches, until + upon the enterprise in hand of my nuptial undertaking I shall have + obtained an answer from the holy bottle. I am acquainted with a prudent, + understanding, and discreet gentleman, and besides a very good friend of + mine, who knoweth the land, country, and place where its temple and oracle + is built and posited. He will guide and conduct us thither sure and + safely. Let us go thither, I beseech you. Deny me not, and say not nay; + reject not the suit I make unto you, I entreat you. I will be to you an + Achates, a Damis, and heartily accompany you all along in the whole + voyage, both in your going forth and coming back. I have of a long time + known you to be a great lover of peregrination, desirous still to learn + new things, and still to see what you had never seen before. + </p> + <p> + Very willingly, quoth Pantagruel, I condescend to your request. But before + we enter in upon our progress towards the accomplishment of so far a + journey, replenished and fraught with eminent perils, full of innumerable + hazards, and every way stored with evident and manifest dangers,—What + dangers? quoth Panurge, interrupting him. Dangers fly back, run from, and + shun me whithersoever I go, seven leagues around, as in the presence of + the sovereign a subordinate magistracy is eclipsed; or as clouds and + darkness quite evanish at the bright coming of a radiant sun; or as all + sores and sicknesses did suddenly depart at the approach of the body of + St. Martin a Quande. Nevertheless, quoth Pantagruel, before we adventure + to set forwards on the road of our projected and intended voyage, some few + points are to be discussed, expedited, and despatched. First, let us send + back Triboulet to Blois. Which was instantly done, after that Pantagruel + had given him a frieze coat. Secondly, our design must be backed with the + advice and counsel of the king my father. And, lastly, it is most needful + and expedient for us that we search for and find out some sibyl to serve + us for a guide, truchman, and interpreter. To this Panurge made answer, + that his friend Xenomanes would abundantly suffice for the plenary + discharge and performance of the sibyl’s office; and that, + furthermore, in passing through the Lanternatory revelling country, they + should take along with them a learned and profitable Lanternesse, which + would be no less useful to them in their voyage than was the sibyl to + Aeneas in his descent to the Elysian fields. Carpalin, in the interim, as + he was upon the conducting away of Triboulet, in his passing by hearkened + a little to the discourse they were upon; then spoke out, saying, Ho, + Panurge, master freeman, take my Lord Debitis at Calais alongst with you, + for he is goud-fallot, a good fellow. He will not forget those who have + been debitors; these are Lanternes. Thus shall you not lack for both + fallot and lanterne. I may safely with the little skill I have, quoth + Pantagruel, prognosticate that by the way we shall engender no melancholy. + I clearly perceive it already. The only thing that vexeth me is, that I + cannot speak the Lanternatory language. I shall, answered Panurge, speak + for you all. I understand it every whit as well as I do mine own maternal + tongue; I have been no less used to it than to the vulgar French. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Briszmarg dalgotbrick nubstzne zos. +Isquebsz prusq: albok crinqs zacbac. +Mizbe dilbarskz morp nipp stancz bos, +Strombtz, Panurge, walmap quost gruszbac. +</pre> + <p> + Now guess, friend Epistemon, what this is. They are, quoth Epistemon, + names of errant devils, passant devils, and rampant devils. These words of + thine, dear friend of mine, are true, quoth Panurge; yet are they terms + used in the language of the court of the Lanternish people. By the way, as + we go upon our journey, I will make to thee a pretty little dictionary, + which, notwithstanding, shall not last you much longer than a pair of new + shoes. Thou shalt have learned it sooner than thou canst perceive the + dawning of the next subsequent morning. What I have said in the foregoing + tetrastich is thus translated out of the Lanternish tongue into our vulgar + dialect: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +All miseries attended me, whilst I +A lover was, and had no good thereby. +Of better luck the married people tell; +Panurge is one of those, and knows it well. +</pre> + <p> + There is little more, then, quoth Pantagruel, to be done, but that we + understand what the will of the king my father will be therein, and + purchase his consent. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0048" id="link32HCH0048"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XLVIII.—How Gargantua showeth that the children ought not + to marry without the special knowledge and advice of their fathers and + mothers. + </h2> + <p> + No sooner had Pantagruel entered in at the door of the great hall of the + castle, than that he encountered full butt with the good honest Gargantua + coming forth from the council board, unto whom he made a succinct and + summary narrative of what had passed and occurred, worthy of his + observation, in his travels abroad, since their last interview; then, + acquainting him with the design he had in hand, besought him that it might + stand with his goodwill and pleasure to grant him leave to prosecute and + go through-stitch with the enterprise which he had undertaken. The good + man Gargantua, having in one hand two great bundles of petitions endorsed + and answered, and in the other some remembrancing notes and bills, to put + him in mind of such other requests of supplicants, which, albeit + presented, had nevertheless been neither read nor heard, he gave both to + Ulric Gallet, his ancient and faithful Master of Requests; then drew aside + Pantagruel, and, with a countenance more serene and jovial than customary, + spoke to him thus: I praise God, and have great reason so to do, my most + dear son, that he hath been pleased to entertain in you a constant + inclination to virtuous actions. I am well content that the voyage which + you have motioned to me be by you accomplished, but withal I could wish + you would have a mind and desire to marry, for that I see you are of + competent years. Panurge in the meanwhile was in a readiness of preparing + and providing for remedies, salves, and cures against all such lets, + obstacles, and impediments as he could in the height of his fancy conceive + might by Gargantua be cast in the way of their itinerary design. Is it + your pleasure, most dear father, that you speak? answered Pantagruel. For + my part, I have not yet thought upon it. In all this affair I wholly + submit and rest in your good liking and paternal authority. For I shall + rather pray unto God that he would throw me down stark dead at your feet, + in your pleasure, than that against your pleasure I should be found + married alive. I never yet heard that by any law, whether sacred or + profane, yea, amongst the rudest and most barbarous nations in the world, + it was allowed and approved of that children may be suffered and tolerated + to marry at their own goodwill and pleasure, without the knowledge, + advice, or consent asked and had thereto of their fathers, mothers, and + nearest kindred. All legislators, everywhere upon the face of the whole + earth, have taken away and removed this licentious liberty from children, + and totally reserved it to the discretion of the parents. + </p> + <p> + My dearly beloved son, quoth Gargantua, I believe you, and from my heart + thank God for having endowed you with the grace of having both a perfect + notice of and entire liking to laudable and praiseworthy things; and that + through the windows of your exterior senses he hath vouchsafed to transmit + unto the interior faculties of your mind nothing but what is good and + virtuous. For in my time there hath been found on the continent a certain + country, wherein are I know not what kind of Pastophorian mole-catching + priests, who, albeit averse from engaging their proper persons into a + matrimonial duty, like the pontifical flamens of Cybele in Phrygia, as if + they were capons, and not cocks full of lasciviousness, salacity, and + wantonness, who yet have, nevertheless, in the matter of conjugal affairs, + taken upon them to prescribe laws and ordinances to married folks. I + cannot goodly determine what I should most abhor, detest, loathe, and + abominate,—whether the tyrannical presumption of those dreaded + sacerdotal mole-catchers, who, not being willing to contain and coop up + themselves within the grates and trellises of their own mysterious + temples, do deal in, meddle with, obtrude upon, and thrust their sickles + into harvests of secular businesses quite contrary and diametrically + opposite to the quality, state, and condition of their callings, + professions, and vocations; or the superstitious stupidity and senseless + scrupulousness of married folks, who have yielded obedience, and submitted + their bodies, fortunes, and estates to the discretion and authority of + such odious, perverse, barbarous, and unreasonable laws. Nor do they see + that which is clearer than the light and splendour of the morning star,—how + all these nuptial and connubial sanctions, statutes, and ordinances have + been decreed, made, and instituted for the sole benefit, profit, and + advantage of the flaminal mysts and mysterious flamens, and nothing at all + for the good, utility, or emolument of the silly hoodwinked married + people. Which administereth unto others a sufficient cause for rendering + these churchmen suspicious of iniquity, and of an unjust and fraudulent + manner of dealing, no more to be connived at nor countenanced, after that + it be well weighed in the scales of reason, than if with a reciprocal + temerity the laics, by way of compensation, would impose laws to be + followed and observed by those mysts and flamens, how they should behave + themselves in the making and performance of their rites and ceremonies, + and after what manner they ought to proceed in the offering up and + immolating of their various oblations, victims, and sacrifices; seeing + that, besides the decimation and tithe-haling of their goods, they cut off + and take parings, shreddings, and clippings of the gain proceeding from + the labour of their hands and sweat of their brows, therewith to entertain + themselves the better. Upon which consideration, in my opinion, their + injunctions and commands would not prove so pernicious and impertinent as + those of the ecclesiastic power unto which they had tendered their blind + obedience. For, as you have very well said, there is no place in the world + where, legally, a licence is granted to the children to marry without the + advice and consent of their parents and kindred. Nevertheless, by those + wicked laws and mole-catching customs, whereat there is a little hinted in + what I have already spoken to you, there is no scurvy, measly, leprous, or + pocky ruffian, pander, knave, rogue, skellum, robber, or thief, pilloried, + whipped, and burn-marked in his own country for his crimes and felonies, + who may not violently snatch away and ravish what maid soever he had a + mind to pitch upon, how noble, how fair, how rich, honest, and chaste + soever she be, and that out of the house of her own father, in his own + presence, from the bosom of her mother, and in the sight and despite of + her friends and kindred looking on a so woeful spectacle, provided that + the rascal villain be so cunning as to associate unto himself some + mystical flamen, who, according to the covenant made betwixt them two, + shall be in hope some day to participate of the prey. + </p> + <p> + Could the Goths, the Scyths, or Massagets do a worse or more cruel act to + any of the inhabitants of a hostile city, when, after the loss of many of + their most considerable commanders, the expense of a great deal of money, + and a long siege, they shall have stormed and taken it by a violent and + impetuous assault? May not these fathers and mothers, think you, be + sorrowful and heavy-hearted when they see an unknown fellow, a vagabond + stranger, a barbarous lout, a rude cur, rotten, fleshless, putrified, + scraggy, boily, botchy, poor, a forlorn caitiff and miserable sneak, by an + open rapt snatch away before their own eyes their so fair, delicate, neat, + well-behavioured, richly-provided-for and healthful daughters, on whose + breeding and education they had spared no cost nor charges, by bringing + them up in an honest discipline to all the honourable and virtuous + employments becoming one of their sex descended of a noble parentage, + hoping by those commendable and industrious means in an opportune and + convenient time to bestow them on the worthy sons of their well-deserving + neighbours and ancient friends, who had nourished, entertained, taught, + instructed, and schooled their children with the same care and solicitude, + to make them matches fit to attain to the felicity of a so happy marriage, + that from them might issue an offspring and progeny no less heirs to the + laudable endowments and exquisite qualifications of their parents, whom + they every way resemble, than to their personal and real estates, + movables, and inheritances? How doleful, trist, and plangorous would such + a sight and pageantry prove unto them? You shall not need to think that + the collachrymation of the Romans and their confederates at the decease of + Germanicus Drusus was comparable to this lamentation of theirs? Neither + would I have you to believe that the discomfort and anxiety of the + Lacedaemonians, when the Greek Helen, by the perfidiousness of the + adulterous Trojan, Paris, was privily stolen away out of their country, + was greater or more pitiful than this ruthful and deplorable collugency of + theirs? You may very well imagine that Ceres at the ravishment of her + daughter Proserpina was not more attristed, sad, nor mournful than they. + Trust me, and your own reason, that the loss of Osiris was not so + regrettable to Isis, nor did Venus so deplore the death of Adonis, nor yet + did Hercules so bewail the straying of Hylas, nor was the rapt of Polyxena + more throbbingly resented and condoled by Priamus and Hecuba, than this + aforesaid accident would be sympathetically bemoaned, grievous, ruthful, + and anxious to the woefully desolate and disconsolate parents. + </p> + <p> + Notwithstanding all this, the greater part of so vilely abused parents are + so timorous and afraid of devils and hobgoblins, and so deeply plunged in + superstition, that they dare not gainsay nor contradict, much less oppose + and resist those unnatural and impious actions, when the mole-catcher hath + been present at the perpetrating of the fact, and a party contractor and + covenanter in that detestable bargain. What do they do then? They + wretchedly stay at their own miserable homes, destitute of their + well-beloved daughters, the fathers cursing the days and the hours wherein + they were married, and the mothers howling and crying that it was not + their fortune to have brought forth abortive issues when they happened to + be delivered of such unfortunate girls, and in this pitiful plight spend + at best the remainder of their time with tears and weeping for those their + children, of and from whom they expected, (and, with good reason, should + have obtained and reaped,) in these latter days of theirs, joy and + comfort. Other parents there have been, so impatient of that affront and + indignity put upon them and their families, that, transported with the + extremity of passion, in a mad and frantic mood, through the vehemency of + a grievous fury and raging sorrow, have drowned, hanged, killed, and + otherwise put violent hands on themselves. Others, again, of that parental + relation have, upon the reception of the like injury, been of a more + magnanimous and heroic spirit, who, in imitation and at the example of the + children of Jacob revenging upon the Sichemites the rapt of their sister + Dinah, having found the rascally ruffian in the association of his + mystical mole-catcher closely and in hugger-mugger conferring, parleying, + and coming with their daughters, for the suborning, corrupting, depraving, + perverting, and enticing these innocent unexperienced maids unto filthy + lewdnesses, have, without any further advisement on the matter, cut them + instantly into pieces, and thereupon forthwith thrown out upon the fields + their so dismembered bodies, to serve for food unto the wolves and ravens. + Upon the chivalrous, bold, and courageous achievement of a so valiant, + stout, and manlike act, the other mole-catching symmysts have been so + highly incensed, and have so chafed, fretted, and fumed thereat, that, + bills of complaint and accusations having been in a most odious and + detestable manner put in before the competent judges, the arm of secular + authority hath with much importunity and impetuosity been by them implored + and required, they proudly contending that the servants of God would + become contemptible if exemplary punishment were not speedily taken upon + the persons of the perpetrators of such an enormous, horrid, sacrilegious, + crying, heinous, and execrable crime. + </p> + <p> + Yet neither by natural equity, by the law of nations, nor by any imperial + law whatsoever, hath there been found so much as one rubric, paragraph, + point, or tittle, by the which any kind of chastisement or correction hath + been adjudged due to be inflicted upon any for their delinquency in that + kind. Reason opposeth, and nature is repugnant. For there is no virtuous + man in the world who both naturally and with good reason will not be more + hugely troubled in mind, hearing of the news of the rapt, disgrace, + ignominy, and dishonour of his daughter, than of her death. Now any man, + finding in hot blood one who with a forethought felony hath murdered his + daughter, may, without tying himself to the formalities and circumstances + of a legal proceeding, kill him on a sudden and out of hand without + incurring any hazard of being attainted and apprehended by the officers of + justice for so doing. What wonder is it then? Or how little strange should + it appear to any rational man, if a lechering rogue, together with his + mole-catching abettor, be entrapped in the flagrant act of suborning his + daughter, and stealing her out of his house, though herself consent + thereto, that the father in such a case of stain and infamy by them + brought upon his family, should put them both to a shameful death, and + cast their carcasses upon dunghills to be devoured and eaten up by dogs + and swine, or otherwise fling them a little further off to the direption, + tearing, and rending asunder of their joints and members by the wild + beasts of the field (as unworthy to receive the gentle, the desired, the + last kind embraces of the great Alma Mater, the earth, commonly called + burial). + </p> + <p> + Dearly beloved son, have an especial care that after my decease none of + these laws be received in any of your kingdoms; for whilst I breathe, by + the grace and assistance of God, I shall give good order. Seeing, + therefore, you have totally referred unto my discretion the disposure of + you in marriage, I am fully of an opinion that I shall provide + sufficiently well for you in that point. Make ready and prepare yourself + for Panurge’s voyage. Take along with you Epistemon, Friar John, and + such others as you will choose. Do with my treasures what unto yourself + shall seem most expedient. None of your actions, I promise you, can in any + manner of way displease me. Take out of my arsenal Thalasse whatsoever + equipage, furniture, or provision you please, together with such pilots, + mariners, and truchmen as you have a mind to, and with the first fair and + favourable wind set sail and make out to sea in the name of God our + Saviour. In the meanwhile, during your absence, I shall not be neglective + of providing a wife for you, nor of those preparations which are requisite + to be made for the more sumptuous solemnizing of your nuptials with a most + splendid feast, if ever there was any in the world, since the days of + Ahasuerus. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0049" id="link32HCH0049"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.XLIX.—How Pantagruel did put himself in a readiness to go + to sea; and of the herb named Pantagruelion. + </h2> + <p> + Within very few days after that Pantagruel had taken his leave of the good + Gargantua, who devoutly prayed for his son’s happy voyage, he + arrived at the seaport, near to Sammalo, accompanied with Panurge, + Epistemon, Friar John of the Funnels, Abbot of Theleme, and others of the + royal house, especially with Xenomanes the great traveller and thwarter of + dangerous ways, who was come at the bidding and appointment of Panurge, of + whose castlewick of Salmigondin he did hold some petty inheritance by the + tenure of a mesne fee. Pantagruel, being come thither, prepared and made + ready for launching a fleet of ships, to the number of those which Ajax of + Salamine had of old equipped in convoy of the Grecian soldiery against the + Trojan state. He likewise picked out for his use so many mariners, pilots, + sailors, interpreters, artificers, officers, and soldiers, as he thought + fitting, and therewithal made provision of so much victuals of all sorts, + artillery, munition of divers kinds, clothes, moneys, and other such + luggage, stuff, baggage, chaffer, and furniture, as he deemed needful for + carrying on the design of a so tedious, long, and perilous voyage. Amongst + other things, it was observed how he caused some of his vessels to be + fraught and loaded with a great quantity of an herb of his called + Pantagruelion, not only of the green and raw sort of it, but of the + confected also, and of that which was notably well befitted for present + use after the fashion of conserves. The herb Pantagruelion hath a little + root somewhat hard and rough, roundish, terminating in an obtuse and very + blunt point, and having some of its veins, strings, or filaments coloured + with some spots of white, never fixeth itself into the ground above the + profoundness almost of a cubit, or foot and a half. From the root thereof + proceedeth the only stalk, orbicular, cane-like, green without, whitish + within, and hollow like the stem of smyrnium, olus atrum, beans, and + gentian, full of long threads, straight, easy to be broken, jagged, + snipped, nicked, and notched a little after the manner of pillars and + columns, slightly furrowed, chamfered, guttered, and channelled, and full + of fibres, or hairs like strings, in which consisteth the chief value and + dignity of the herb, especially in that part thereof which is termed mesa, + as he would say the mean, and in that other, which hath got the + denomination of milasea. Its height is commonly of five or six foot. Yet + sometimes it is of such a tall growth as doth surpass the length of a + lance, but that is only when it meeteth with a sweet, easy, warm, wet, and + well-soaked soil—as is the ground of the territory of Olone, and + that of Rasea, near to Preneste in Sabinia—and that it want not for + rain enough about the season of the fishers’ holidays and the + estival solstice. There are many trees whose height is by it very far + exceeded, and you might call it dendromalache by the authority of + Theophrastus. The plant every year perisheth,—the tree neither in + the trunk, root, bark, or boughs being durable. + </p> + <p> + From the stalk of this Pantagruelian plant there issue forth several large + and great branches, whose leaves have thrice as much length as breadth, + always green, roughish, and rugged like the orcanet, or Spanish bugloss, + hardish, slit round about like unto a sickle, or as the saxifragum, + betony, and finally ending as it were in the points of a Macedonian spear, + or of such a lancet as surgeons commonly make use of in their + phlebotomizing tiltings. The figure and shape of the leaves thereof is not + much different from that of those of the ash-tree, or of agrimony; the + herb itself being so like the Eupatorian plant that many skilful + herbalists have called it the Domestic Eupator, and the Eupator the Wild + Pantagruelion. These leaves are in equal and parallel distances spread + around the stalk by the number in every rank either of five or seven, + nature having so highly favoured and cherished this plant that she hath + richly adorned it with these two odd, divine, and mysterious numbers. The + smell thereof is somewhat strong, and not very pleasing to nice, tender, + and delicate noses. The seed enclosed therein mounteth up to the very top + of its stalk, and a little above it. + </p> + <p> + This is a numerous herb; for there is no less abundance of it than of any + other whatsoever. Some of these plants are spherical, some rhomboid, and + some of an oblong shape, and all of those either black, bright-coloured, + or tawny, rude to the touch, and mantled with a quickly-blasted-away coat, + yet such a one as is of a delicious taste and savour to all shrill and + sweetly-singing birds, such as linnets, goldfinches, larks, canary birds, + yellow-hammers, and others of that airy chirping choir; but it would quite + extinguish the natural heat and procreative virtue of the semence of any + man who would eat much and often of it. And although that of old amongst + the Greeks there was certain kinds of fritters and pancakes, buns and + tarts, made thereof, which commonly for a liquorish daintiness were + presented on the table after supper to delight the palate and make the + wine relish the better; yet is it of a difficult concoction, and offensive + to the stomach. For it engendereth bad and unwholesome blood, and with its + exorbitant heat woundeth them with grievous, hurtful, smart, and noisome + vapours. And, as in divers plants and trees there are two sexes, male and + female, which is perceptible in laurels, palms, cypresses, oaks, holms, + the daffodil, mandrake, fern, the agaric, mushroom, birthwort, turpentine, + pennyroyal, peony, rose of the mount, and many other such like, even so in + this herb there is a male which beareth no flower at all, yet it is very + copious of and abundant in seed. There is likewise in it a female, which + hath great store and plenty of whitish flowers, serviceable to little or + no purpose, nor doth it carry in it seed of any worth at all, at least + comparable to that of the male. It hath also a larger leaf, and much + softer than that of the male, nor doth it altogether grow to so great a + height. This Pantagruelion is to be sown at the first coming of the + swallows, and is to be plucked out of the ground when the grasshoppers + begin to be a little hoarse. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0050" id="link32HCH0050"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.L.—How the famous Pantagruelion ought to be prepared and + wrought. + </h2> + <p> + The herb Pantagruelion, in September, under the autumnal equinox, is + dressed and prepared several ways, according to the various fancies of the + people and diversity of the climates wherein it groweth. The first + instruction which Pantagruel gave concerning it was to divest and despoil + the stalk and stem thereof of all its flowers and seeds, to macerate and + mortify it in pond, pool, or lake water, which is to be made run a little + for five days together (Properly—‘lake water, which is to be + made stagnant, not current, for five days together.’—M.) if + the season be dry and the water hot, or for full nine or twelve days if + the weather be cloudish and the water cold. Then must it be parched before + the sun till it be drained of its moisture. After this it is in the + shadow, where the sun shines not, to be peeled and its rind pulled off. + Then are the fibres and strings thereof to be parted, wherein, as we have + already said, consisteth its prime virtue, price, and efficacy, and + severed from the woody part thereof, which is unprofitable, and serveth + hardly to any other use than to make a clear and glistering blaze, to + kindle the fire, and for the play, pastime, and disport of little + children, to blow up hogs’ bladders and make them rattle. Many times + some use is made thereof by tippling sweet-lipped bibbers, who out of it + frame quills and pipes, through which they with their liquor-attractive + breath suck up the new dainty wine from the bung of the barrel. Some + modern Pantagruelists, to shun and avoid that manual labour which such a + separating and partitional work would of necessity require, employ certain + cataractic instruments, composed and formed after the same manner that the + froward, pettish, and angry Juno did hold the fingers of both her hands + interwovenly clenched together when she would have hindered the childbirth + delivery of Alcmena at the nativity of Hercules; and athwart those + cataracts they break and bruise to very trash the woody parcels, thereby + to preserve the better the fibres, which are the precious and excellent + parts. In and with this sole operation do these acquiesce and are + contented, who, contrary to the received opinion of the whole earth, and + in a manner paradoxical to all philosophers, gain their livelihoods + backwards, and by recoiling. But those that love to hold it at a higher + rate, and prize it according to its value, for their own greater profit do + the very same which is told us of the recreation of the three fatal sister + Parcae, or of the nocturnal exercise of the noble Circe, or yet of the + excuse which Penelope made to her fond wooing youngsters and effeminate + courtiers during the long absence of her husband Ulysses. + </p> + <p> + By these means is this herb put into a way to display its inestimable + virtues, whereof I will discover a part; for to relate all is a thing + impossible to do. I have already interpreted and exposed before you the + denomination thereof. I find that plants have their names given and + bestowed upon them after several ways. Some got the name of him who first + found them out, knew them, sowed them, improved them by culture, qualified + them to tractability, and appropriated them to the uses and subserviences + they were fit for, as the Mercuriale from Mercury; Panacea from Panace, + the daughter of Aesculapius; Armois from Artemis, who is Diana; Eupatoria + from the king Eupator; Telephion from Telephus; Euphorbium from Euphorbus, + King Juba’s physician; Clymenos from Clymenus; Alcibiadium from + Alcibiades; Gentiane from Gentius, King of Sclavonia, and so forth, + through a great many other herbs or plants. Truly, in ancient times this + prerogative of imposing the inventor’s name upon an herb found out + by him was held in a so great account and estimation, that, as a + controversy arose betwixt Neptune and Pallas from which of them two that + land should receive its denomination which had been equally found out by + them both together—though thereafter it was called and had the + appellation of Athens, from Athene, which is Minerva—just so would + Lynceus, King of Scythia, have treacherously slain the young Triptolemus, + whom Ceres had sent to show unto mankind the invention of corn, which + until then had been utterly unknown, to the end that, after the murder of + the messenger, whose death he made account to have kept secret, he might, + by imposing, with the less suspicion of false dealing, his own name upon + the said found out seed, acquire unto himself an immortal honour and glory + for having been the inventor of a grain so profitable and necessary to and + for the use of human life. For the wickedness of which treasonable attempt + he was by Ceres transformed into that wild beast which by some is called a + lynx and by others an ounce. Such also was the ambition of others upon the + like occasion, as appeareth by that very sharp wars and of a long + continuance have been made of old betwixt some residentiary kings in + Cappadocia upon this only debate, of whose name a certain herb should have + the appellation; by reason of which difference, so troublesome and + expensive to them all, it was by them called Polemonion, and by us for the + same cause termed Make-bate. + </p> + <p> + Other herbs and plants there are which retain the names of the countries + from whence they were transported, as the Median apples from Media, where + they first grew; Punic apples from Punicia, that is to say, Carthage; + Ligusticum, which we call lovage, from Liguria, the coast of Genoa; + Rhubarb from a flood in Barbary, as Ammianus attesteth, called Ru; + Santonica from a region of that name; Fenugreek from Greece; Gastanes from + a country so called; Persicaria from Persia; Sabine from a territory of + that appellation; Staechas from the Staechad Islands; Spica Celtica from + the land of the Celtic Gauls, and so throughout a great many other, which + were tedious to enumerate. Some others, again, have obtained their + denominations by way of antiphrasis, or contrariety; as Absinth, because + it is contrary to Psinthos, for it is bitter to the taste in drinking; + Holosteon, as if it were all bones, whilst, on the contrary, there is no + frailer, tenderer, nor brittler herb in the whole production of nature + than it. + </p> + <p> + There are some other sorts of herbs which have got their names from their + virtues and operations, as Aristolochia, because it helpeth women in + childbirth; Lichen, for that it cureth the disease of that name; Mallow, + because it mollifieth; Callithricum, because it maketh the hair of a + bright colour; Alyssum, Ephemerum, Bechium, Nasturtium, Aneban (Henbane), + and so forth through many more. + </p> + <p> + Other some there are which have obtained their names from the admirable + qualities that are found to be in them, as Heliotropium, which is the + marigold, because it followeth the sun, so that at the sun rising it + displayeth and spreads itself out, at his ascending it mounteth, at his + declining it waneth, and when he is set it is close shut; Adianton, + because, although it grow near unto watery places, and albeit you should + let it lie in water a long time, it will nevertheless retain no moisture + nor humidity; Hierachia, Eringium, and so throughout a great many more. + There are also a great many herbs and plants which have retained the very + same names of the men and women who have been metamorphosed and + transformed in them, as from Daphne the laurel is called also Daphne; + Myrrh from Myrrha, the daughter of Cinarus; Pythis from Pythis; Cinara, + which is the artichoke, from one of that name; Narcissus, with Saffron, + Smilax, and divers others. + </p> + <p> + Many herbs likewise have got their names of those things which they seem + to have some resemblance to; as Hippuris, because it hath the likeness of + a horse’s tail; Alopecuris, because it representeth in similitude + the tail of a fox; Psyllion, from a flea which it resembleth; Delphinium, + for that it is like a dolphin fish; Bugloss is so called because it is an + herb like an ox’s tongue; Iris, so called because in its flowers it + hath some resemblance of the rainbow; Myosota, because it is like the ear + of a mouse; Coronopus, for that it is of the likeness of a crow’s + foot. A great many other such there are, which here to recite were + needless. Furthermore, as there are herbs and plants which have had their + names from those of men, so by a reciprocal denomination have the surnames + of many families taken their origin from them, as the Fabii, a fabis, + beans; the Pisons, a pisis, peas; the Lentuli from lentils; the Cicerons; + a ciceribus, vel ciceris, a sort of pulse called chickpease, and so forth. + In some plants and herbs the resemblance or likeness hath been taken from + a higher mark or object, as when we say Venus’ navel, Venus’ + hair, Venus’ tub, Jupiter’s beard, Jupiter’s eye, Mars’ + blood, the Hermodactyl or Mercury’s fingers, which are all of them + names of herbs, as there are a great many more of the like appellation. + Others, again, have received their denomination from their forms, such as + the Trefoil, because it is three-leaved; Pentaphylon, for having five + leaves; Serpolet, because it creepeth along the ground; Helxine, Petast, + Myrobalon, which the Arabians called Been, as if you would say an acorn, + for it hath a kind of resemblance thereto, and withal is very oily. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0051" id="link32HCH0051"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.LI.—Why it is called Pantagruelion, and of the admirable + virtues thereof. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link3image-0013" id="link3image-0013"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/3-51-386.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Serving in the Place of a Cravat--3-51-386" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + By such-like means of attaining to a denomination—the fabulous ways + being only from thence excepted, for the Lord forbid that we should make + use of any fables in this a so veritable history—is this herb called + Pantagruelion, for Pantagruel was the inventor thereof. I do not say of + the plant itself, but of a certain use which it serves for, exceeding + odious and hateful to thieves and robbers, unto whom it is more + contrarious and hurtful than the strangle-weed and chokefitch is to the + flax, the cats-tail to the brakes, the sheave-grass to the mowers of hay, + the fitches to the chickney-pease, the darnel to barley, the hatchet-fitch + to the lentil pulse, the antramium to the beans, tares to wheat, ivy to + walls, the water-lily to lecherous monks, the birchen rod to the scholars + of the college of Navarre in Paris, colewort to the vine-tree, garlic to + the loadstone, onions to the sight, fern-seed to women with child, + willow-grain to vicious nuns, the yew-tree shade to those that sleep under + it, wolfsbane to wolves and libbards, the smell of fig-tree to mad bulls, + hemlock to goslings, purslane to the teeth, or oil to trees. For we have + seen many of those rogues, by virtue and right application of this herb, + finish their lives short and long, after the manner of Phyllis, Queen of + Thracia, of Bonosus, Emperor of Rome, of Amata, King Latinus’s wife, + of Iphis, Autolycus, Lycambe, Arachne, Phaedra, Leda, Achius, King of + Lydia, and many thousands more, who were chiefly angry and vexed at this + disaster therein, that, without being otherwise sick or evil-disposed in + their bodies, by a touch only of the Pantagruelion they came on a sudden + to have the passage obstructed, and their pipes, through which were wont + to bolt so many jolly sayings and to enter so many luscious morsels, + stopped, more cleverly than ever could have done the squinancy. + </p> + <p> + Others have been heard most woefully to lament, at the very instant when + Atropos was about to cut the thread of their life, that Pantagruel held + them by the gorge. But, well-a-day, it was not Pantagruel; he never was an + executioner. It was the Pantagruelion, manufactured and fashioned into an + halter; and serving in the place and office of a cravat. In that, verily, + they solecized and spoke improperly, unless you would excuse them by a + trope, which alloweth us to posit the inventor in the place of the thing + invented, as when Ceres is taken for bread, and Bacchus put instead of + wine. I swear to you here, by the good and frolic words which are to issue + out of that wine-bottle which is a-cooling below in the copper vessel full + of fountain water, that the noble Pantagruel never snatched any man by the + throat, unless it was such a one as was altogether careless and neglective + of those obviating remedies which were preventive of the thirst to come. + </p> + <p> + It is also termed Pantagruelion by a similitude. For Pantagruel, at the + very first minute of his birth, was no less tall than this herb is long + whereof I speak unto you, his measure having been then taken the more easy + that he was born in the season of the great drought, when they were + busiest in the gathering of the said herb, to wit, at that time when + Icarus’s dog, with his fiery bawling and barking at the sun, maketh + the whole world Troglodytic, and enforceth people everywhere to hide + themselves in dens and subterranean caves. It is likewise called + Pantagruelion because of the notable and singular qualities, virtues, and + properties thereof. For as Pantagruel hath been the idea, pattern, + prototype, and exemplary of all jovial perfection and accomplishment—in + the truth whereof I believe there is none of you gentlemen drinkers that + putteth any question—so in this Pantagruelion have I found so much + efficacy and energy, so much completeness and excellency, so much + exquisiteness and rarity, and so many admirable effects and operations of + a transcendent nature, that if the worth and virtue thereof had been known + when those trees, by the relation of the prophet, made election of a + wooden king to rule and govern over them, it without all doubt would have + carried away from all the rest the plurality of votes and suffrages. + </p> + <p> + Shall I yet say more? If Oxylus, the son of Orius, had begotten this plant + upon his sister Hamadryas, he had taken more delight in the value and + perfection of it alone than in all his eight children, so highly renowned + by our ablest mythologians that they have sedulously recommended their + names to the never-failing tuition of an eternal remembrance. The eldest + child was a daughter, whose name was Vine; the next born was a boy, and + his name was Fig-tree; the third was called Walnut-tree; the fourth Oak; + the fifth Sorbapple-tree; the sixth Ash; the seventh Poplar, and the last + had the name of Elm, who was the greatest surgeon in his time. I shall + forbear to tell you how the juice or sap thereof, being poured and + distilled within the ears, killeth every kind of vermin that by any manner + of putrefaction cometh to be bred and engendered there, and destroyeth + also any whatsoever other animal that shall have entered in thereat. If, + likewise, you put a little of the said juice within a pail or bucket full + of water, you shall see the water instantly turn and grow thick therewith + as if it were milk-curds, whereof the virtue is so great that the water + thus curded is a present remedy for horses subject to the colic, and such + as strike at their own flanks. The root thereof well boiled mollifieth the + joints, softeneth the hardness of shrunk-in sinews, is every way + comfortable to the nerves, and good against all cramps and convulsions, as + likewise all cold and knotty gouts. If you would speedily heal a burning, + whether occasioned by water or fire, apply thereto a little raw + Pantagruelion, that is to say, take it so as it cometh out of the ground, + without bestowing any other preparation or composition upon it; but have a + special care to change it for some fresher in lieu thereof as soon as you + shall find it waxing dry upon the sore. + </p> + <p> + Without this herb kitchens would be detested, the tables of dining-rooms + abhorred, although there were great plenty and variety of most dainty and + sumptuous dishes of meat set down upon them, and the choicest beds also, + how richly soever adorned with gold, silver, amber, ivory, porphyry, and + the mixture of most precious metals, would without it yield no delight or + pleasure to the reposers in them. Without it millers could neither carry + wheat, nor any other kind of corn to the mill, nor would they be able to + bring back from thence flour, or any other sort of meal whatsoever. + Without it, how could the papers and writs of lawyers’ clients be + brought to the bar? Seldom is the mortar, lime, or plaster brought to the + workhouse without it. Without it, how should the water be got out of a + draw-well? In what case would tabellions, notaries, copists, makers of + counterpanes, writers, clerks, secretaries, scriveners, and such-like + persons be without it? Were it not for it, what would become of the + toll-rates and rent-rolls? Would not the noble art of printing perish + without it? Whereof could the chassis or paper-windows be made? How should + the bells be rung? The altars of Isis are adorned therewith, the + Pastophorian priests are therewith clad and accoutred, and whole human + nature covered and wrapped therein at its first position and production in + and into this world. All the lanific trees of Seres, the bumbast and + cotton bushes in the territories near the Persian Sea and Gulf of Bengala, + the Arabian swans, together with the plants of Malta, do not all the them + clothe, attire, and apparel so many persons as this one herb alone. + Soldiers are nowadays much better sheltered under it than they were in + former times, when they lay in tents covered with skins. It overshadows + the theatres and amphitheatres from the heat of a scorching sun. It + begirdeth and encompasseth forests, chases, parks, copses, and groves, for + the pleasure of hunters. It descendeth into the salt and fresh of both sea + and river-waters for the profit of fishers. By it are boots of all sizes, + buskins, gamashes, brodkins, gambadoes, shoes, pumps, slippers, and every + cobbled ware wrought and made steadable for the use of man. By it the butt + and rover-bows are strung, the crossbows bended, and the slings made + fixed. And, as if it were an herb every whit as holy as the vervain, and + reverenced by ghosts, spirits, hobgoblins, fiends, and phantoms, the + bodies of deceased men are never buried without it. + </p> + <p> + I will proceed yet further. By the means of this fine herb the invisible + substances are visibly stopped, arrested, taken, detained, and + prisoner-like committed to their receptive gaols. Heavy and ponderous + weights are by it heaved, lifted up, turned, veered, drawn, carried, and + every way moved quickly, nimbly, and easily, to the great profit and + emolument of humankind. When I perpend with myself these and such-like + marvellous effects of this wonderful herb, it seemeth strange unto me how + the invention of so useful a practice did escape through so many by-past + ages the knowledge of the ancient philosophers, considering the + inestimable utility which from thence proceeded, and the immense labour + which without it they did undergo in their pristine elucubrations. By + virtue thereof, through the retention of some aerial gusts, are the huge + rambarges, mighty galleons, the large floats, the Chiliander, the + Myriander ships launched from their stations and set a-going at the + pleasure and arbitrament of their rulers, conders, and steersmen. By the + help thereof those remote nations whom nature seemed so unwilling to have + discovered to us, and so desirous to have kept them still in abscondito + and hidden from us, that the ways through which their countries were to be + reached unto were not only totally unknown, but judged also to be + altogether impermeable and inaccessible, are now arrived to us, and we to + them. + </p> + <p> + Those voyages outreached flights of birds and far surpassed the scope of + feathered fowls, how swift soever they had been on the wing, and + notwithstanding that advantage which they have of us in swimming through + the air. Taproban hath seen the heaths of Lapland, and both the Javas and + Riphaean mountains; wide distant Phebol shall see Theleme, and the + Islanders drink of the flood Euphrates. By it the chill-mouthed Boreas + hath surveyed the parched mansions of the torrid Auster, and Eurus visited + the regions which Zephyrus hath under his command; yea, in such sort have + interviews been made by the assistance of this sacred herb, that, maugre + longitudes and latitudes, and all the variations of the zones, the + Periaecian people, and Antoecian, Amphiscian, Heteroscian, and Periscian + had oft rendered and received mutual visits to and from other, upon all + the climates. These strange exploits bred such astonishment to the + celestial intelligences, to all the marine and terrestrial gods, that they + were on a sudden all afraid. From which amazement, when they saw how, by + means of this blest Pantagruelion, the Arctic people looked upon the + Antarctic, scoured the Atlantic Ocean, passed the tropics, pushed through + the torrid zone, measured all the zodiac, sported under the equinoctial, + having both poles level with their horizon, they judged it high time to + call a council for their own safety and preservation. + </p> + <p> + The Olympic gods, being all and each of them affrighted at the sight of + such achievements, said: Pantagruel hath shapen work enough for us, and + put us more to a plunge and nearer our wits’ end by this sole herb + of his than did of old the Aloidae by overturning mountains. He very + speedily is to be married, and shall have many children by his wife. It + lies not in our power to oppose this destiny; for it hath passed through + the hands and spindles of the Fatal Sisters, necessity’s inexorable + daughters. Who knows but by his sons may be found out an herb of such + another virtue and prodigious energy, as that by the aid thereof, in using + it aright according to their father’s skill, they may contrive a way + for humankind to pierce into the high aerian clouds, get up unto the + springhead of the hail, take an inspection of the snowy sources, and shut + and open as they please the sluices from whence proceed the floodgates of + the rain; then, prosecuting their aethereal voyage, they may step in unto + the lightning workhouse and shop, where all the thunderbolts are forged, + where, seizing on the magazine of heaven and storehouse of our warlike + fire-munition, they may discharge a bouncing peal or two of thundering + ordnance for joy of their arrival to these new supernal places, and, + charging those tonitrual guns afresh, turn the whole force of that + artillery against ourselves wherein we most confided. Then is it like they + will set forward to invade the territories of the Moon, whence, passing + through both Mercury and Venus, the Sun will serve them for a torch, to + show the way from Mars to Jupiter and Saturn. We shall not then be able to + resist the impetuosity of their intrusion, nor put a stoppage to their + entering in at all, whatever regions, domiciles, or mansions of the + spangled firmament they shall have any mind to see, to stay in, to travel + through for their recreation. All the celestial signs together, with the + constellations of the fixed stars, will jointly be at their devotion then. + Some will take up their lodging at the Ram, some at the Bull, and others + at the Twins; some at the Crab, some at the Lion Inn, and others at the + sign of the Virgin; some at the Balance, others at the Scorpion, and + others will be quartered at the Archer; some will be harboured at the + Goat, some at the Water-pourer’s sign, some at the Fishes; some will + lie at the Crown, some at the Harp, some at the Golden Eagle and the + Dolphin; some at the Flying Horse, some at the Ship, some at the great, + some at the little Bear; and so throughout the glistening hostelries of + the whole twinkling asteristic welkin. There will be sojourners come from + the earth, who, longing after the taste of the sweet cream, of their own + skimming off, from the best milk of all the dairy of the Galaxy, will set + themselves at table down with us, drink of our nectar and ambrosia, and + take to their own beds at night for wives and concubines our fairest + goddesses, the only means whereby they can be deified. A junto hereupon + being convocated, the better to consult upon the manner of obviating a so + dreadful danger, Jove, sitting in his presidential throne, asked the votes + of all the other gods, which, after a profound deliberation amongst + themselves on all contingencies, they freely gave at last, and then + resolved unanimously to withstand the shocks of all whatsoever sublunary + assaults. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link32HCH0052" id="link32HCH0052"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 3.LII.—How a certain kind of Pantagruelion is of that nature + that the fire is not able to consume it. + </h2> + <p> + I have already related to you great and admirable things; but, if you + might be induced to adventure upon the hazard of believing some other + divinity of this sacred Pantagruelion, I very willingly would tell it you. + Believe it, if you will, or otherwise, believe it not, I care not which of + them you do, they are both alike to me. It shall be sufficient for my + purpose to have told you the truth, and the truth I will tell you. But to + enter in thereat, because it is of a knaggy, difficult, and rugged access, + this is the question which I ask of you. If I had put within this bottle + two pints, the one of wine and the other of water, thoroughly and exactly + mingled together, how would you unmix them? After what manner would you go + about to sever them, and separate the one liquor from the other, in such + sort that you render me the water apart, free from the wine, and the wine + also pure, without the intermixture of one drop of water, and both of them + in the same measure, quantity, and taste that I had embottled them? Or, to + state the question otherwise. If your carmen and mariners, entrusted for + the provision of your houses with the bringing of a certain considerable + number of tuns, puncheons, pipes, barrels, and hogsheads of Graves wine, + or of the wine of Orleans, Beaune, and Mireveaux, should drink out the + half, and afterwards with water fill up the other empty halves of the + vessels as full as before, as the Limosins use to do in their carriages by + wains and carts of the wines of Argenton and Sangaultier; after that, how + would you part the water from the wine, and purify them both in such a + case? I understand you well enough. Your meaning is, that I must do it + with an ivy funnel. That is written, it is true, and the verity thereof + explored by a thousand experiments; you have learned to do this feat + before, I see it. But those that have never known it, nor at any time have + seen the like, would hardly believe that it were possible. Let us + nevertheless proceed. + </p> + <p> + But put the case, we were now living in the age of Sylla, Marius, Caesar, + and other such Roman emperors, or that we were in the time of our ancient + Druids, whose custom was to burn and calcine the dead bodies of their + parents and lords, and that you had a mind to drink the ashes or cinders + of your wives or fathers in the infused liquor of some good white-wine, as + Artemisia drunk the dust and ashes of her husband Mausolus; or otherwise, + that you did determine to have them reserved in some fine urn or reliquary + pot; how would you save the ashes apart, and separate them from those + other cinders and ashes into which the fuel of the funeral and bustuary + fire hath been converted? Answer, if you can. By my figgins, I believe it + will trouble you so to do. + </p> + <p> + Well, I will despatch, and tell you that, if you take of this celestial + Pantagruelion so much as is needful to cover the body of the defunct, and + after that you shall have enwrapped and bound therein as hard and closely + as you can the corpse of the said deceased persons, and sewed up the + folding-sheet with thread of the same stuff, throw it into the fire, how + great or ardent soever it be it matters not a straw, the fire through this + Pantagruelion will burn the body and reduce to ashes the bones thereof, + and the Pantagruelion shall be not only not consumed nor burnt, but also + shall neither lose one atom of the ashes enclosed within it, nor receive + one atom of the huge bustuary heap of ashes resulting from the blazing + conflagration of things combustible laid round about it, but shall at + last, when taken out of the fire, be fairer, whiter, and much cleaner than + when you did put it in at first. Therefore it is called Asbeston, which is + as much to say as incombustible. Great plenty is to be found thereof in + Carpasia, as likewise in the climate Dia Sienes, at very easy rates. O how + rare and admirable a thing it is, that the fire which devoureth, + consumeth, and destroyeth all such things else, should cleanse, purge, and + whiten this sole Pantagruelion Carpasian Asbeston! If you mistrust the + verity of this relation, and demand for further confirmation of my + assertion a visible sign, as the Jews and such incredulous infidels use to + do, take a fresh egg, and orbicularly, or rather ovally, enfold it within + this divine Pantagruelion. When it is so wrapped up, put it in the hot + embers of a fire, how great or ardent soever it be, and having left it + there as long as you will, you shall at last, at your taking it out of the + fire, find the egg roasted hard, and as it were burnt, without any + alteration, change, mutation, or so much as a calefaction of the sacred + Pantagruelion. For less than a million of pounds sterling, modified, taken + down, and amoderated to the twelfth part of one fourpence halfpenny + farthing, you are able to put it to a trial and make proof thereof. + </p> + <p> + Do not think to overmatch me here, by paragoning with it in the way of a + more eminent comparison the Salamander. That is a fib; for, albeit a + little ordinary fire, such as is used in dining-rooms and chambers, + gladden, cheer up, exhilarate, and quicken it, yet may I warrantably + enough assure that in the flaming fire of a furnace it will, like any + other animated creature, be quickly suffocated, choked, consumed, and + destroyed. We have seen the experiment thereof, and Galen many ages ago + hath clearly demonstrated and confirmed it, Lib. 3, De temperamentis, and + Dioscorides maintaineth the same doctrine, Lib. 2. Do not here instance in + competition with this sacred herb the feather alum or the wooden tower of + Pyraeus, which Lucius Sylla was never able to get burnt; for that + Archelaus, governor of the town for Mithridates, King of Pontus, had + plastered it all over on the outside with the said alum. Nor would I have + you to compare therewith the herb which Alexander Cornelius called Eonem, + and said that it had some resemblance with that oak which bears the + mistletoe, and that it could neither be consumed nor receive any manner of + prejudice by fire nor by water, no more than the mistletoe, of which was + built, said he, the so renowned ship Argos. Search where you please for + those that will believe it. I in that point desire to be excused. Neither + would I wish you to parallel therewith—although I cannot deny but + that it is of a very marvellous nature—that sort of tree which + groweth alongst the mountains of Brianson and Ambrun, which produceth out + of his root the good agaric. From its body it yieldeth unto us a so + excellent rosin, that Galen hath been bold to equal it to the turpentine. + Upon the delicate leaves thereof it retaineth for our use that sweet + heavenly honey which is called the manna, and, although it be of a gummy, + oily, fat, and greasy substance, it is, notwithstanding, unconsumable by + any fire. It is in Greek and Latin called Larix. The Alpinese name is + Melze. The Antenorides and Venetians term it Larege; which gave occasion + to that castle in Piedmont to receive the denomination of Larignum, by + putting Julius Caesar to a stand at his return from amongst the Gauls. + </p> + <p> + Julius Caesar commanded all the yeomen, boors, hinds, and other + inhabitants in, near unto, and about the Alps and Piedmont, to bring all + manner of victuals and provision for an army to those places which on the + military road he had appointed to receive them for the use of his marching + soldiery. To which ordinance all of them were obedient, save only those as + were within the garrison of Larignum, who, trusting in the natural + strength of the place, would not pay their contribution. The emperor, + purposing to chastise them for their refusal, caused his whole army to + march straight towards that castle, before the gate whereof was erected a + tower built of huge big spars and rafters of the larch-tree, fast bound + together with pins and pegs of the same wood, and interchangeably laid on + one another, after the fashion of a pile or stack of timber, set up in the + fabric thereof to such an apt and convenient height that from the parapet + above the portcullis they thought with stones and levers to beat off and + drive away such as should approach thereto. + </p> + <p> + When Caesar had understood that the chief defence of those within the + castle did consist in stones and clubs, and that it was not an easy matter + to sling, hurl, dart, throw, or cast them so far as to hinder the + approaches, he forthwith commanded his men to throw great store of bavins, + faggots, and fascines round about the castle, and when they had made the + heap of a competent height, to put them all in a fair fire; which was + thereupon incontinently done. The fire put amidst the faggots was so great + and so high that it covered the whole castle, that they might well imagine + the tower would thereby be altogether burnt to dust, and demolished. + Nevertheless, contrary to all their hopes and expectations, when the flame + ceased, and that the faggots were quite burnt and consumed, the tower + appeared as whole, sound, and entire as ever. Caesar, after a serious + consideration had thereof, commanded a compass to be taken without the + distance of a stone cast from the castle round about it there, with + ditches and entrenchments to form a blockade; which when the Larignans + understood, they rendered themselves upon terms. And then by a relation + from them it was that Caesar learned the admirable nature and virtue of + this wood, which of itself produceth neither fire, flame, nor coal, and + would, therefore, in regard of that rare quality of incombustibility, have + been admitted into this rank and degree of a true Pantagruelional plant; + and that so much the rather, for that Pantagruel directed that all the + gates, doors, angiports, windows, gutters, fretticed and embowed ceilings, + cans, (cants?) and other whatsoever wooden furniture in the abbey of + Theleme, should be all materiated of this kind of timber. He likewise + caused to cover therewith the sterns, stems, cook-rooms or laps, hatches, + decks, courses, bends, and walls of his carricks, ships, galleons, + galleys, brigantines, foists, frigates, crears, barques, floats, pinks, + pinnaces, hoys, ketches, capers, and other vessels of his Thalassian + arsenal; were it not that the wood or timber of the larch-tree, being put + within a large and ample furnace full of huge vehemently flaming fire + proceeding from the fuel of other sorts and kinds of wood, cometh at last + to be corrupted, consumed, dissipated, and destroyed, as are stones in a + lime-kiln. But this Pantagruelion Asbeston is rather by the fire renewed + and cleansed than by the flames thereof consumed or changed. Therefore, + </p> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + Arabians, Indians, Sabaeans,<br /> Sing not, in hymns and Io Paeans,<br /> + Your incense, myrrh, or ebony.<br /> Come here, a nobler plant to see,<br /> + And carry home, at any rate,<br /> Some seed, that you may propagate.<br /> + If in your soil it takes, to heaven<br /> A thousand thousand thanks be + given;<br /> And say with France, it goodly goes,<br /> Where the + Pantagruelion grows.<br /> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + END OF BOOK III + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + THE FOURTH BOOK + </h1> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h2> + The Translator’s Preface. + </h2> + <p> + Reader,—I don’t know what kind of a preface I must write to + find thee courteous, an epithet too often bestowed without a cause. The + author of this work has been as sparing of what we call good nature, as + most readers are nowadays. So I am afraid his translator and commentator + is not to expect much more than has been showed them. What’s worse, + there are but two sorts of taking prefaces, as there are but two kinds of + prologues to plays; for Mr. Bays was doubtless in the right when he said + that if thunder and lightning could not fright an audience into + complaisance, the sight of the poet with a rope about his neck might work + them into pity. Some, indeed, have bullied many of you into applause, and + railed at your faults that you might think them without any; and others, + more safely, have spoken kindly of you, that you might think, or at least + speak, as favourably of them, and be flattered into patience. Now, I + fancy, there’s nothing less difficult to attempt than the first + method; for, in this blessed age, ‘tis as easy to find a bully + without courage, as a whore without beauty, or a writer without wit; + though those qualifications are so necessary in their respective + professions. The mischief is, that you seldom allow any to rail besides + yourselves, and cannot bear a pride which shocks your own. As for + wheedling you into a liking of a work, I must confess it seems the safest + way; but though flattery pleases you well when it is particular, you hate + it, as little concerning you, when it is general. Then we knights of the + quill are a stiff-necked generation, who as seldom care to seem to doubt + the worth of our writings, and their being liked, as we love to flatter + more than one at a time; and had rather draw our pens, and stand up for + the beauty of our works (as some arrant fools use to do for that of their + mistresses) to the last drop of our ink. And truly this submission, which + sometimes wheedles you into pity, as seldom decoys you into love, as the + awkward cringing of an antiquated fop, as moneyless as he is ugly, affects + an experienced fair one. Now we as little value your pity as a lover his + mistress’s, well satisfied that it is only a less uncivil way of + dismissing us. But what if neither of these two ways will work upon you, + of which doleful truth some of our playwrights stand so many living + monuments? Why, then, truly I think on no other way at present but + blending the two into one; and, from this marriage of huffing and + cringing, there will result a new kind of careless medley, which, perhaps, + will work upon both sorts of readers, those who are to be hectored, and + those whom we must creep to. At least, it is like to please by its + novelty; and it will not be the first monster that has pleased you when + regular nature could not do it. + </p> + <p> + If uncommon worth, lively wit, and deep learning, wove into wholesome + satire, a bold, good, and vast design admirably pursued, truth set out in + its true light, and a method how to arrive to its oracle, can recommend a + work, I am sure this has enough to please any reasonable man. The three + books published some time since, which are in a manner an entire work, + were kindly received; yet, in the French, they come far short of these + two, which are also entire pieces; for the satire is all general here, + much more obvious, and consequently more entertaining. Even my long + explanatory preface was not thought improper. Though I was so far from + being allowed time to make it methodical, that at first only a few pages + were intended; yet as fast as they were printed I wrote on, till it proved + at last like one of those towns built little at first, then enlarged, + where you see promiscuously an odd variety of all sorts of irregular + buildings. I hope the remarks I give now will not please less; for, as I + have translated the work which they explain, I had more time to make them, + though as little to write them. It would be needless to give here a large + account of my performance; for, after all, you readers care no more for + this or that apology, or pretence of Mr. Translator, if the version does + not please you, than we do for a blundering cook’s excuse after he + has spoiled a good dish in the dressing. Nor can the first pretend to much + praise, besides that of giving his author’s sense in its full + extent, and copying his style, if it is to be copied; since he has no + share in the invention or disposition of what he translates. Yet there was + no small difficulty in doing Rabelais justice in that double respect; the + obsolete words and turns of phrase, and dark subjects, often as darkly + treated, make the sense hard to be understood even by a Frenchman, and it + cannot be easy to give it the free easy air of an original; for even what + seems most common talk in one language, is what is often the most + difficult to be made so in another; and Horace’s thoughts of comedy + may be well applied to this: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Creditur, ex medio quia res arcessit, habere +Sudoris minimum; sed habet commoedia tantum +Plus oneris, quanto veniae minus. +</pre> + <p> + Far be it from me, for all this, to value myself upon hitting the words of + cant in which my drolling author is so luxuriant; for though such words + have stood me in good stead, I scarce can forbear thinking myself unhappy + in having insensibly hoarded up so much gibberish and Billingsgate trash + in my memory; nor could I forbear asking of myself, as an Italian cardinal + said on another account, D’onde hai tu pigliato tante coglionerie? + Where the devil didst thou rake up all these fripperies? + </p> + <p> + It was not less difficult to come up to the author’s sublime + expressions. Nor would I have attempted such a task, but that I was + ambitious of giving a view of the most valuable work of the greatest + genius of his age, to the Mecaenas and best genius of this. For I am not + overfond of so ungrateful a task as translating, and would rejoice to see + less versions and more originals; so the latter were not as bad as many of + the first are, through want of encouragement. Some indeed have deservedly + gained esteem by translating; yet not many condescend to translate, but + such as cannot invent; though to do the first well requires often as much + genius as to do the latter. + </p> + <p> + I wish, reader, thou mayest be as willing to do my author justice, as I + have strove to do him right. Yet, if thou art a brother of the quill, it + is ten to one thou art too much in love with thy own dear productions to + admire those of one of thy trade. However, I know three or four who have + not such a mighty opinion of themselves; but I’ll not name them, + lest I should be obliged to place myself among them. If thou art one of + those who, though they never write, criticise everyone that does; avaunt!—Thou + art a professed enemy of mankind and of thyself, who wilt never be pleased + nor let anybody be so, and knowest no better way to fame than by striving + to lessen that of others; though wouldst thou write thou mightst be soon + known, even by the butterwomen, and fly through the world in bandboxes. If + thou art of the dissembling tribe, it is thy office to rail at those books + which thou huggest in a corner. If thou art one of those eavesdroppers, + who would have their moroseness be counted gravity, thou wilt condemn a + mirth which thou art past relishing; and I know no other way to quit the + score than by writing (as like enough I may) something as dull, or duller + than thyself, if possible. If thou art one of those critics in dressing, + those extempores of fortune, who, having lost a relation and got an + estate, in an instant set up for wit and every extravagance, thou’lt + either praise or discommend this book, according to the dictates of some + less foolish than thyself, perhaps of one of those who, being lodged at + the sign of the box and dice, will know better things than to recommend to + thee a work which bids thee beware of his tricks. This book might teach + thee to leave thy follies; but some will say it does not signify much to + some fools whether they are so or not; for when was there a fool that + thought himself one? If thou art one of those who would put themselves + upon us for learned men in Greek and Hebrew, yet are mere blockheads in + English, and patch together old pieces of the ancients to get themselves + clothes out of them, thou art too severely mauled in this work to like it. + Who then will? some will cry. Nay, besides these, many societies that make + a great figure in the world are reflected on in this book; which caused + Rabelais to study to be dark, and even bedaub it with many loose + expressions, that he might not be thought to have any other design than to + droll; in a manner bewraying his book that his enemies might not bite it. + Truly, though now the riddle is expounded, I would advise those who read + it not to reflect on the author, lest he be thought to have been + beforehand with them, and they be ranked among those who have nothing to + show for their honesty but their money, nothing for their religion but + their dissembling, or a fat benefice, nothing for their wit but their + dressing, for their nobility but their title, for their gentility but + their sword, for their courage but their huffing, for their preferment but + their assurance, for their learning but their degrees, or for their + gravity but their wrinkles or dulness. They had better laugh at one + another here, as it is the custom of the world. Laughing is of all + professions; the miser may hoard, the spendthrift squander, the politician + plot, the lawyer wrangle, and the gamester cheat; still their main design + is to be able to laugh at one another; and here they may do it at a cheap + and easy rate. After all, should this work fail to please the greater + number of readers, I am sure it cannot miss being liked by those who are + for witty mirth and a chirping bottle; though not by those solid sots who + seem to have drudged all their youth long only that they might enjoy the + sweet blessing of getting drunk every night in their old age. But those + men of sense and honour who love truth and the good of mankind in general + above all other things will undoubtedly countenance this work. I will not + gravely insist upon its usefulness, having said enough of it in the + preface (Motteux’ Preface to vol. I of Rabelais, ed. 1694.) to the + first part. I will only add, that as Homer in his Odyssey makes his hero + wander ten years through most parts of the then known world, so Rabelais, + in a three months’ voyage, makes Pantagruel take a view of almost + all sorts of people and professions; with this difference, however, + between the ancient mythologist and the modern, that while the Odyssey has + been compared to a setting sun in respect to the Iliads, Rabelais’ + last work, which is this Voyage to the Oracle of the Bottle (by which he + means truth) is justly thought his masterpiece, being wrote with more + spirit, salt, and flame, than the first part of his works. At near seventy + years of age, his genius, far from being drained, seemed to have acquired + fresh vigour and new graces the more it exerted itself; like those rivers + which grow more deep, large, majestic, and useful by their course. Those + who accuse the French of being as sparing of their wit as lavish of their + words will find an Englishman in our author. I must confess indeed that my + countrymen and other southern nations temper the one with the other in a + manner as they do their wine with water, often just dashing the latter + with a little of the first. Now here men love to drink their wine pure; + nay, sometimes it will not satisfy unless in its very quintessence, as in + brandies; though an excess of this betrays want of sobriety, as much as an + excess of wit betrays a want of judgment. But I must conclude, lest I be + justly taxed with wanting both. I will only add, that as every language + has its peculiar graces, seldom or never to be acquired by a foreigner, I + cannot think I have given my author those of the English in every place; + but as none compelled me to write, I fear to ask a pardon which yet the + generous temper of this nation makes me hope to obtain. Albinus, a Roman, + who had written in Greek, desired in his preface to be forgiven his faults + of language; but Cato asked him in derision whether any had forced him to + write in a tongue of which he was not an absolute master. Lucullus wrote a + history in the same tongue, and said he had scattered some false Greek in + it to let the world know it was the work of a Roman. I will not say as + much of my writings, in which I study to be as little incorrect as the + hurry of business and shortness of time will permit; but I may better say, + as Tully did of the history of his consulship, which he also had written + in Greek, that what errors may be found in the diction are crept in + against my intent. Indeed, Livius Andronicus and Terence, the one a Greek, + the other a Carthaginian, wrote successfully in Latin, and the latter is + perhaps the most perfect model of the purity and urbanity of that tongue; + but I ought not to hope for the success of those great men. Yet am I + ambitious of being as subservient to the useful diversion of the ingenious + of this nation as I can, which I have endeavoured in this work, with hopes + to attempt some greater tasks if ever I am happy enough to have more + leisure. In the meantime it will not displease me, if it is known that + this is given by one who, though born and educated in France, has the love + and veneration of a loyal subject for this nation, one who, by a fatality, + which with many more made him say, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Nos patriam fugimus et dulcia linquimus arva, +</pre> + <p> + is obliged to make the language of these happy regions as natural to him + as he can, and thankfully say with the rest, under this Protestant + government, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Deus nobis haec otia fecit. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link4image-0004" id="link4image-0004"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/portrait.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Francois Rabelais--portrait" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /> + </p> + <h2> + The Author’s Epistle Dedicatory. + </h2> + <p> + To the most Illustrious Prince and most Reverend Lord Odet, Cardinal de + Chastillon. + </p> + <p> + You know, most illustrious prince, how often I have been, and am daily + pressed and required by great numbers of eminent persons, to proceed in + the Pantagruelian fables; they tell me that many languishing, sick, and + disconsolate persons, perusing them, have deceived their grief, passed + their time merrily, and been inspired with new joy and comfort. I commonly + answer that I aimed not at glory and applause when I diverted myself with + writing, but only designed to give by my pen, to the absent who labour + under affliction, that little help which at all times I willingly strive + to give to the present that stand in need of my art and service. Sometimes + I at large relate to them how Hippocrates in several places, and + particularly in lib. 6. Epidem., describing the institution of the + physician his disciple, and also Soranus of Ephesus, Oribasius, Galen, + Hali Abbas, and other authors, have descended to particulars, in the + prescription of his motions, deportment, looks, countenance, gracefulness, + civility, cleanliness of face, clothes, beard, hair, hands, mouth, even + his very nails; as if he were to play the part of a lover in some comedy, + or enter the lists to fight some enemy. And indeed the practice of physic + is properly enough compared by Hippocrates to a fight, and also to a farce + acted between three persons, the patient, the physician, and the disease. + Which passage has sometimes put me in mind of Julia’s saying to + Augustus her father. One day she came before him in a very gorgeous, + loose, lascivious dress, which very much displeased him, though he did not + much discover his discontent. The next day she put on another, and in a + modest garb, such as the chaste Roman ladies wore, came into his presence. + The kind father could not then forbear expressing the pleasure which he + took to see her so much altered, and said to her: Oh! how much more this + garb becomes and is commendable in the daughter of Augustus. But she, + having her excuse ready, answered: This day, sir, I dressed myself to + please my father’s eye; yesterday, to gratify that of my husband. + Thus disguised in looks and garb, nay even, as formerly was the fashion, + with a rich and pleasant gown with four sleeves, which was called + philonium according to Petrus Alexandrinus in 6. Epidem., a physician + might answer to such as might find the metamorphosis indecent: Thus have I + accoutred myself, not that I am proud of appearing in such a dress, but + for the sake of my patient, whom alone I wholly design to please, and no + wise offend or dissatisfy. There is also a passage in our father + Hippocrates, in the book I have named, which causes some to sweat, + dispute, and labour; not indeed to know whether the physician’s + frowning, discontented, and morose Catonian look render the patient sad, + and his joyful, serene, and pleasing countenance rejoice him; for + experience teaches us that this is most certain; but whether such + sensations of grief or pleasure are produced by the apprehension of the + patient observing his motions and qualities in his physician, and drawing + from thence conjectures of the end and catastrophe of his disease; as, by + his pleasing look, joyful and desirable events, and by his sorrowful and + unpleasing air, sad and dismal consequences; or whether those sensations + be produced by a transfusion of the serene or gloomy, aerial or + terrestrial, joyful or melancholic spirits of the physician into the + person of the patient, as is the opinion of Plato, Averroes, and others. + </p> + <p> + Above all things, the forecited authors have given particular directions + to physicians about the words, discourse, and converse which they ought to + have with their patients; everyone aiming at one point, that is, to + rejoice them without offending God, and in no wise whatsoever to vex or + displease them. Which causes Herophilus much to blame the physician + Callianax, who, being asked by a patient of his, Shall I die? impudently + made him this answer: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Patroclus died, whom all allow +By much a better man than you. +</pre> + <p> + Another, who had a mind to know the state of his distemper, asking him, + after our merry Patelin’s way: Well, doctor, does not my water tell + you I shall die? He foolishly answered, No; if Latona, the mother of those + lovely twins, Phoebus and Diana, begot thee. Galen, lib. 4, Comment. 6. + Epidem., blames much also Quintus his tutor, who, a certain nobleman of + Rome, his patient, saying to him, You have been at breakfast, my master, + your breath smells of wine; answered arrogantly, Yours smells of fever; + which is the better smell of the two, wine or a putrid fever? But the + calumny of certain cannibals, misanthropes, perpetual eavesdroppers, has + been so foul and excessive against me, that it had conquered my patience, + and I had resolved not to write one jot more. For the least of their + detractions were that my books are all stuffed with various heresies, of + which, nevertheless, they could not show one single instance; much, + indeed, of comical and facetious fooleries, neither offending God nor the + king (and truly I own they are the only subject and only theme of these + books), but of heresy not a word, unless they interpreted wrong, and + against all use of reason and common language, what I had rather suffer a + thousand deaths, if it were possible, than have thought; as who should + make bread to be stone, a fish to be a serpent, and an egg to be a + scorpion. This, my lord, emboldened me once to tell you, as I was + complaining of it in your presence, that if I did not esteem myself a + better Christian than they show themselves towards me, and if my life, + writings, words, nay thoughts, betrayed to me one single spark of heresy, + or I should in a detestable manner fall into the snares of the spirit of + detraction, Diabolos, who, by their means, raises such crimes against me; + I would then, like the phoenix, gather dry wood, kindle a fire, and burn + myself in the midst of it. You were then pleased to say to me that King + Francis, of eternal memory, had been made sensible of those false + accusations; and that having caused my books (mine, I say, because + several, false and infamous, have been wickedly laid to me) to be + carefully and distinctly read to him by the most learned and faithful + anagnost in this kingdom, he had not found any passage suspicious; and + that he abhorred a certain envious, ignorant, hypocritical informer, who + grounded a mortal heresy on an n put instead of an m by the carelessness + of the printers. + </p> + <p> + As much was done by his son, our most gracious, virtuous, and blessed + sovereign, Henry, whom Heaven long preserve! so that he granted you his + royal privilege and particular protection for me against my slandering + adversaries. + </p> + <p> + You kindly condescended since to confirm me these happy news at Paris; and + also lately, when you visited my Lord Cardinal du Bellay, who, for the + benefit of his health, after a lingering distemper, was retired to St. + Maur, that place (or rather paradise) of salubrity, serenity, conveniency, + and all desirable country pleasures. + </p> + <p> + Thus, my lord, under so glorious a patronage, I am emboldened once more to + draw my pen, undaunted now and secure; with hopes that you will still + prove to me, against the power of detraction, a second Gallic Hercules in + learning, prudence, and eloquence; an Alexicacos in virtue, power, and + authority; you, of whom I may truly say what the wise monarch Solomon + saith of Moses, that great prophet and captain of Israel, Ecclesiast. 45: + A man fearing and loving God, who found favour in the sight of all flesh, + well-beloved both of God and man; whose memorial is blessed. God made him + like to the glorious saints, and magnified him so, that his enemies stood + in fear of him; and for him made wonders; made him glorious in the sight + of kings, gave him a commandment for his people, and by him showed his + light; he sanctified him in his faithfulness and meekness, and chose him + out of all men. By him he made us to hear his voice, and caused by him the + law of life and knowledge to be given. + </p> + <p> + Accordingly, if I shall be so happy as to hear anyone commend those merry + composures, they shall be adjured by me to be obliged and pay their thanks + to you alone, as also to offer their prayers to Heaven for the continuance + and increase of your greatness; and to attribute no more to me than my + humble and ready obedience to your commands; for by your most honourable + encouragement you at once have inspired me with spirit and with invention; + and without you my heart had failed me, and the fountain-head of my animal + spirits had been dry. May the Lord keep you in his blessed mercy! + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + My Lord,<br /> Your most humble, and most devoted Servant,<br /> Francis + Rabelais, Physician.<br /><br /> Paris, this 28th of January, MDLII. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link4image-0005" id="link4image-0005"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/prologue4.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Prologue4" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /> + </p> + <h2> + The Author’s Prologue. + </h2> + <p> + Good people, God save and keep you! Where are you? I can’t see you: + stay—I’ll saddle my nose with spectacles—oh, oh! ‘twill + be fair anon: I see you. Well, you have had a good vintage, they say: this + is no bad news to Frank, you may swear. You have got an infallible cure + against thirst: rarely performed of you, my friends! You, your wives, + children, friends, and families are in as good case as hearts can wish; it + is well, it is as I would have it: God be praised for it, and if such be + his will, may you long be so. For my part, I am thereabouts, thanks to his + blessed goodness; and by the means of a little Pantagruelism (which you + know is a certain jollity of mind, pickled in the scorn of fortune), you + see me now hale and cheery, as sound as a bell, and ready to drink, if you + will. Would you know why I’m thus, good people? I will even give you + a positive answer —Such is the Lord’s will, which I obey and + revere; it being said in his word, in great derision to the physician + neglectful of his own health, Physician, heal thyself. + </p> + <p> + Galen had some knowledge of the Bible, and had conversed with the + Christians of his time, as appears lib. 11. De Usu Partium; lib. 2. De + Differentiis Pulsuum, cap. 3, and ibid. lib. 3. cap. 2. and lib. De Rerum + Affectibus (if it be Galen’s). Yet ‘twas not for any such + veneration of holy writ that he took care of his own health. No, it was + for fear of being twitted with the saying so well known among physicians: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Iatros allon autos elkesi bruon. + +He boasts of healing poor and rich, +Yet is himself all over itch. +</pre> + <p> + This made him boldly say, that he did not desire to be esteemed a + physician, if from his twenty-eighth year to his old age he had not lived + in perfect health, except some ephemerous fevers, of which he soon rid + himself; yet he was not naturally of the soundest temper, his stomach + being evidently bad. Indeed, as he saith, lib. 5, De Sanitate tuenda, that + physician will hardly be thought very careful of the health of others who + neglects his own. Asclepiades boasted yet more than this; for he said that + he had articled with fortune not to be reputed a physician if he could be + said to have been sick since he began to practise physic to his latter + age, which he reached, lusty in all his members and victorious over + fortune; till at last the old gentleman unluckily tumbled down from the + top of a certain ill-propped and rotten staircase, and so there was an end + of him. + </p> + <p> + If by some disaster health is fled from your worships to the right or to + the left, above or below, before or behind, within or without, far or + near, on this side or the other side, wheresoever it be, may you + presently, with the help of the Lord, meet with it. Having found it, may + you immediately claim it, seize it, and secure it. The law allows it; the + king would have it so; nay, you have my advice for it. Neither more nor + less than the law-makers of old did fully empower a master to claim and + seize his runaway servant wherever he might be found. Odds-bodikins, is it + not written and warranted by the ancient customs of this noble, so rich, + so flourishing realm of France, that the dead seizes the quick? See what + has been declared very lately in that point by that learned, wise, + courteous, humane and just civilian, Andrew Tiraqueau, one of the judges + in the most honourable court of Parliament at Paris. Health is our life, + as Ariphron the Sicyonian wisely has it; without health life is not life, + it is not living life: abios bios, bios abiotos. Without health life is + only a languishment and an image of death. Therefore, you that want your + health, that is to say, that are dead, seize the quick; secure life to + yourselves, that is to say, health. + </p> + <p> + I have this hope in the Lord, that he will hear our supplications, + considering with what faith and zeal we pray, and that he will grant this + our wish because it is moderate and mean. Mediocrity was held by the + ancient sages to be golden, that is to say, precious, praised by all men, + and pleasing in all places. Read the sacred Bible, you will find the + prayers of those who asked moderately were never unanswered. For example, + little dapper Zaccheus, whose body and relics the monks of St. Garlick, + near Orleans, boast of having, and nickname him St. Sylvanus; he only + wished to see our blessed Saviour near Jerusalem. It was but a small + request, and no more than anybody then might pretend to. But alas! he was + but low-built; and one of so diminutive a size, among the crowd, could not + so much as get a glimpse of him. Well then he struts, stands on tiptoes, + bustles, and bestirs his stumps, shoves and makes way, and with much ado + clambers up a sycamore. Upon this, the Lord, who knew his sincere + affection, presented himself to his sight, and was not only seen by him, + but heard also; nay, what is more, he came to his house and blessed his + family. + </p> + <p> + One of the sons of the prophets in Israel felling would near the river + Jordan, his hatchet forsook the helve and fell to the bottom of the river; + so he prayed to have it again (‘twas but a small request, mark ye + me), and having a strong faith, he did not throw the hatchet after the + helve, as some spirits of contradiction say by way of scandalous blunder, + but the helve after the hatchet, as you all properly have it. Presently + two great miracles were seen: up springs the hatchet from the bottom of + the water, and fixes itself to its old acquaintance the helve. Now had he + wished to coach it to heaven in a fiery chariot like Elias, to multiply in + seed like Abraham, be as rich as Job, strong as Samson, and beautiful as + Absalom, would he have obtained it, d’ye think? I’ troth, my + friends, I question it very much. + </p> + <p> + Now I talk of moderate wishes in point of hatchet (but harkee me, be sure + you don’t forget when we ought to drink), I will tell you what is + written among the apologues of wise Aesop the Frenchman. I mean the + Phrygian and Trojan, as Max. Planudes makes him; from which people, + according to the most faithful chroniclers, the noble French are + descended. Aelian writes that he was of Thrace and Agathias, after + Herodotus, that he was of Samos; 'tis all one to Frank. + </p> + <p> + In his time lived a poor honest country fellow of Gravot, Tom Wellhung by + name, a wood-cleaver by trade, who in that low drudgery made shift so to + pick up a sorry livelihood. It happened that he lost his hatchet. Now tell + me who ever had more cause to be vexed than poor Tom? Alas, his whole + estate and life depended on his hatchet; by his hatchet he earned many a + fair penny of the best woodmongers or log-merchants among whom he went + a-jobbing; for want of his hatchet he was like to starve; and had death + but met with him six days after without a hatchet, the grim fiend would + have mowed him down in the twinkling of a bedstaff. In this sad case he + began to be in a heavy taking, and called upon Jupiter with the most + eloquent prayers—for you know necessity was the mother of eloquence. + With the whites of his eyes turned up towards heaven, down on his + marrow-bones, his arms reared high, his fingers stretched wide, and his + head bare, the poor wretch without ceasing was roaring out, by way of + litany, at every repetition of his supplications, My hatchet, Lord + Jupiter, my hatchet! my hatchet! only my hatchet, O Jupiter, or money to + buy another, and nothing else! alas, my poor hatchet! + </p> + <p> + Jupiter happened then to be holding a grand council about certain urgent + affairs, and old gammer Cybele was just giving her opinion, or, if you + would rather have it so, it was young Phoebus the beau; but, in short, Tom’s + outcries and lamentations were so loud that they were heard with no small + amazement at the council-board, by the whole consistory of the gods. What + a devil have we below, quoth Jupiter, that howls so horridly? By the mud + of Styx, have not we had all along, and have not we here still enough to + do, to set to rights a world of damned puzzling businesses of consequence? + We made an end of the fray between Presthan, King of Persia, and Soliman + the Turkish emperor, we have stopped up the passages between the Tartars + and the Muscovites; answered the Xeriff’s petition; done the same to + that of Golgots Rays; the state of Parma’s despatched; so is that of + Maidenburg, that of Mirandola, and that of Africa, that town on the + Mediterranean which we call Aphrodisium; Tripoli by carelessness has got a + new master; her hour was come. + </p> + <p> + Here are the Gascons cursing and damning, demanding the restitution of + their bells. + </p> + <p> + In yonder corner are the Saxons, Easterlings, Ostrogoths, and Germans, + nations formerly invincible, but now aberkeids, bridled, curbed, and + brought under a paltry diminutive crippled fellow; they ask us revenge, + relief, restitution of their former good sense and ancient liberty. + </p> + <p> + But what shall we do with this same Ramus and this Galland, with a pox to + them, who, surrounded with a swarm of their scullions, blackguard + ragamuffins, sizars, vouchers, and stipulators, set together by the ears + the whole university of Paris? I am in a sad quandary about it, and for + the heart’s blood of me cannot tell yet with whom of the two to + side. + </p> + <p> + Both seem to me notable fellows, and as true cods as ever pissed. The one + has rose-nobles, I say fine and weighty ones; the other would gladly have + some too. The one knows something; the other’s no dunce. The one + loves the better sort of men; the other’s beloved by ‘em. The + one is an old cunning fox; the other with tongue and pen, tooth and nail, + falls foul on the ancient orators and philosophers, and barks at them like + a cur. + </p> + <p> + What thinkest thou of it, say, thou bawdy Priapus? I have found thy + counsel just before now, et habet tua mentula mentem. + </p> + <p> + King Jupiter, answered Priapus, standing up and taking off his cowl, his + snout uncased and reared up, fiery and stiffly propped, since you compare + the one to a yelping snarling cur and the other to sly Reynard the fox, my + advice is, with submission, that without fretting or puzzling your brains + any further about ‘em, without any more ado, even serve ‘em + both as, in the days of yore, you did the dog and the fox. How? asked + Jupiter; when? who were they? where was it? You have a rare memory, for + aught I see! returned Priapus. This right worshipful father Bacchus, whom + we have here nodding with his crimson phiz, to be revenged on the Thebans + had got a fairy fox, who, whatever mischief he did, was never to be caught + or wronged by any beast that wore a head. + </p> + <p> + The noble Vulcan here present had framed a dog of Monesian brass, and with + long puffing and blowing put the spirit of life into him; he gave it to + you, you gave it your Miss Europa, Miss Europa gave it Minos, Minos gave + it Procris, Procris gave it Cephalus. He was also of the fairy kind; so + that, like the lawyers of our age, he was too hard for all other sorts of + creatures; nothing could scape the dog. Now who should happen to meet but + these two? What do you think they did? Dog by his destiny was to take fox, + and fox by his fate was not to be taken. + </p> + <p> + The case was brought before your council: you protested that you would not + act against the fates; and the fates were contradictory. In short, the end + and result of the matter was, that to reconcile two contradictions was an + impossibility in nature. The very pang put you into a sweat; some drops of + which happening to light on the earth, produced what the mortals call + cauliflowers. All our noble consistory, for want of a categorical + resolution, were seized with such a horrid thirst, that above + seventy-eight hogsheads of nectar were swilled down at that sitting. At + last you took my advice, and transmogrified them into stones; and + immediately got rid of your perplexity, and a truce with thirst was + proclaimed through this vast Olympus. This was the year of flabby cods, + near Teumessus, between Thebes and Chalcis. + </p> + <p> + After this manner, it is my opinion that you should petrify this dog and + this fox. The metamorphosis will not be incongruous; for they both bear + the name of Peter. And because, according to the Limosin proverb, to make + an oven’s mouth there must be three stones, you may associate them + with Master Peter du Coignet, whom you formerly petrified for the same + cause. Then those three dead pieces shall be put in an equilateral trigone + somewhere in the great temple at Paris—in the middle of the porch, + if you will—there to perform the office of extinguishers, and with + their noses put out the lighted candles, torches, tapers, and flambeaux; + since, while they lived, they still lighted, ballock-like, the fire of + faction, division, ballock sects, and wrangling among those idle bearded + boys, the students. And this will be an everlasting monument to show that + those puny self-conceited pedants, ballock-framers, were rather contemned + than condemned by you. Dixi, I have said my say. + </p> + <p> + You deal too kindly by them, said Jupiter, for aught I see, Monsieur + Priapus. You do not use to be so kind to everybody, let me tell you; for + as they seek to eternize their names, it would be much better for them to + be thus changed into hard stones than to return to earth and putrefaction. + But now to other matters. Yonder behind us, towards the Tuscan sea and the + neighbourhood of Mount Apennine, do you see what tragedies are stirred up + by certain topping ecclesiastical bullies? This hot fit will last its + time, like the Limosins’ ovens, and then will be cooled, but not so + fast. + </p> + <p> + We shall have sport enough with it; but I foresee one inconveniency; for + methinks we have but little store of thunder ammunition since the time + that you, my fellow gods, for your pastime lavished them away to bombard + new Antioch, by my particular permission; as since, after your example, + the stout champions who had undertaken to hold the fortress of Dindenarois + against all comers fairly wasted their powder with shooting at sparrows, + and then, not having wherewith to defend themselves in time of need, + valiantly surrendered to the enemy, who were already packing up their + awls, full of madness and despair, and thought on nothing but a shameful + retreat. Take care this be remedied, son Vulcan; rouse up your drowsy + Cyclopes, Asteropes, Brontes, Arges, Polyphemus, Steropes, Pyracmon, and + so forth, set them at work, and make them drink as they ought. + </p> + <p> + Never spare liquor to such as are at hot work. Now let us despatch this + bawling fellow below. You, Mercury, go see who it is, and know what he + wants. Mercury looked out at heaven’s trapdoor, through which, as I + am told, they hear what is said here below. By the way, one might well + enough mistake it for the scuttle of a ship; though Icaromenippus said it + was like the mouth of a well. The light-heeled deity saw that it was + honest Tom, who asked for his lost hatchet; and accordingly he made his + report to the synod. Marry, said Jupiter, we are finely helped up, as if + we had now nothing else to do here but to restore lost hatchets. Well, he + must have it then for all this, for so ‘tis written in the Book of + Fate (do you hear?), as well as if it was worth the whole duchy of Milan. + The truth is, the fellow’s hatchet is as much to him as a kingdom to + a king. Come, come, let no more words be scattered about it; let him have + his hatchet again. + </p> + <p> + Now, let us make an end of the difference betwixt the Levites and + mole-catchers of Landerousse. Whereabouts were we? Priapus was standing in + the chimney-corner, and having heard what Mercury had reported, said in a + most courteous and jovial manner: King Jupiter, while by your order and + particular favour I was garden-keeper-general on earth, I observed that + this word hatchet is equivocal to many things; for it signifies a certain + instrument by the means of which men fell and cleave timber. It also + signifies (at least I am sure it did formerly) a female soundly and + frequently thumpthumpriggletickletwiddletobyed. Thus I perceived that + every cock of the game used to call his doxy his hatchet; for with that + same tool (this he said lugging out and exhibiting his nine-inch knocker) + they so strongly and resolutely shove and drive in their helves, that the + females remain free from a fear epidemical amongst their sex, viz., that + from the bottom of the male’s belly the instrument should dangle at + his heel for want of such feminine props. And I remember, for I have a + member, and a memory too, ay, and a fine memory, large enough to fill a + butter-firkin; I remember, I say, that one day of tubilustre (horn-fair) + at the festivals of goodman Vulcan in May, I heard Josquin Des Prez, + Olkegan, Hobrecht, Agricola, Brumel, Camelin, Vigoris, De la Fage, Bruyer, + Prioris, Seguin, De la Rue, Midy, Moulu, Mouton, Gascogne, Loyset, + Compere, Penet, Fevin, Rousee, Richard Fort, Rousseau, Consilion, + Constantio Festi, Jacquet Bercan, melodiously singing the following catch + on a pleasant green: + </p> + <p> + <a name="link4image-0006" id="link4image-0006"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/4-00-400.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="My Hatchet, Lord Jupeter--4-00-400" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Long John to bed went to his bride, +And laid a mallet by his side: +What means this mallet, John? saith she. +Why! ‘tis to wedge thee home, quoth he. +Alas! cried she, the man’s a fool: +What need you use a wooden tool? +When lusty John does to me come, +He never shoves but with his bum. +</pre> + <p> + Nine Olympiads, and an intercalary year after (I have a rare member, I + would say memory; but I often make blunders in the symbolization and + colligance of those two words), I heard Adrian Villart, Gombert, Janequin, + Arcadet, Claudin, Certon, Manchicourt, Auxerre, Villiers, Sandrin, Sohier, + Hesdin, Morales, Passereau, Maille, Maillart, Jacotin, Heurteur, Verdelot, + Carpentras, L’Heritier, Cadeac, Doublet, Vermont, Bouteiller, Lupi, + Pagnier, Millet, Du Moulin, Alaire, Maraut, Morpain, Gendre, and other + merry lovers of music, in a private garden, under some fine shady trees, + round about a bulwark of flagons, gammons, pasties, with several coated + quails, and laced mutton, waggishly singing: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Since tools without their hafts are useless lumber, +And hatchets without helves are of that number; +That one may go in t’other, and may match it, +I’ll be the helve, and thou shalt be the hatchet. +</pre> + <p> + Now would I know what kind of hatchet this bawling Tom wants? This threw + all the venerable gods and goddesses into a fit of laughter, like any + microcosm of flies; and even set limping Vulcan a-hopping and jumping + smoothly three or four times for the sake of his dear. Come, come, said + Jupiter to Mercury, run down immediately, and cast at the poor fellow’s + feet three hatchets: his own, another of gold, and a third of massy + silver, all of one size; then having left it to his will to take his + choice, if he take his own, and be satisfied with it, give him the other + two; if he take another, chop his head off with his own; and henceforth + serve me all those losers of hatchets after that manner. Having said this, + Jupiter, with an awkward turn of his head, like a jackanapes swallowing of + pills, made so dreadful a phiz that all the vast Olympus quaked again. + Heaven’s foot messenger, thanks to his low-crowned narrow-brimmed + hat, his plume of feathers, heel-pieces, and running stick with pigeon + wings, flings himself out at heaven’s wicket, through the idle + deserts of the air, and in a trice nimbly alights upon the earth, and + throws at friend Tom’s feet the three hatchets, saying unto him: + Thou hast bawled long enough to be a-dry; thy prayers and request are + granted by Jupiter: see which of these three is thy hatchet, and take it + away with thee. Wellhung lifts up the golden hatchet, peeps upon it, and + finds it very heavy; then staring on Mercury, cries, Codszouks, this is + none of mine; I won’t ha’t: the same he did with the silver + one, and said, ‘Tis not this neither, you may e’en take them + again. At last he takes up his own hatchet, examines the end of the helve, + and finds his mark there; then, ravished with joy, like a fox that meets + some straggling poultry, and sneering from the tip of the nose, he cried, + By the mass, this is my hatchet, master god; if you will leave it me, I + will sacrifice to you a very good and huge pot of milk brimful, covered + with fine strawberries, next ides of May. + </p> + <p> + Honest fellow, said Mercury, I leave it thee; take it; and because thou + hast wished and chosen moderately in point of hatchet, by Jupiter’s + command I give thee these two others; thou hast now wherewith to make + thyself rich: be honest. Honest Tom gave Mercury a whole cartload of + thanks, and revered the most great Jupiter. His old hatchet he fastens + close to his leathern girdle, and girds it above his breech like Martin of + Cambray; the two others, being more heavy, he lays on his shoulder. Thus + he plods on, trudging over the fields, keeping a good countenance amongst + his neighbours and fellow-parishioners, with one merry saying or other + after Patelin’s way. The next day, having put on a clean white + jacket, he takes on his back the two precious hatchets and comes to + Chinon, the famous city, noble city, ancient city, yea, the first city in + the world, according to the judgment and assertion of the most learned + Massorets. At Chinon he turned his silver hatchet into fine testons, + crown-pieces, and other white cash; his golden hatchet into fine angels, + curious ducats, substantial ridders, spankers, and rose-nobles; then with + them purchases a good number of farms, barns, houses, out-houses, thatched + houses, stables, meadows, orchards, fields, vineyards, woods, arable + lands, pastures, ponds, mills, gardens, nurseries, oxen, cows, sheep, + goats, swine, hogs, asses, horses, hens, cocks, capons, chickens, geese, + ganders, ducks, drakes, and a world of all other necessaries, and in a + short time became the richest man in the country, nay, even richer than + that limping scrape-good Maulevrier. His brother bumpkins, and the other + yeomen and country-puts thereabouts, perceiving his good fortune, were not + a little amazed, insomuch that their former pity of poor Tom was soon + changed into an envy of his so great and unexpected rise; and as they + could not for their souls devise how this came about, they made it their + business to pry up and down, and lay their heads together, to inquire, + seek, and inform themselves by what means, in what place, on what day, + what hour, how, why, and wherefore, he had come by this great treasure. + </p> + <p> + At last, hearing it was by losing his hatchet, Ha, ha! said they, was + there no more to do but to lose a hatchet to make us rich? Mum for that; + 'tis as easy as pissing a bed, and will cost but little. Are then at this + time the revolutions of the heavens, the constellations of the firmament, + and aspects of the planets such, that whosoever shall lose a hatchet shall + immediately grow rich? Ha, ha, ha! by Jove, you shall e’en be lost, + an’t please you, my dear hatchet. With this they all fairly lost + their hatchets out of hand. The devil of one that had a hatchet left; he + was not his mother’s son that did not lose his hatchet. No more was + wood felled or cleaved in that country through want of hatchets. Nay, the + Aesopian apologue even saith that certain petty country gents of the lower + class, who had sold Wellhung their little mill and little field to have + wherewithal to make a figure at the next muster, having been told that his + treasure was come to him by that only means, sold the only badge of their + gentility, their swords, to purchase hatchets to go lose them, as the + silly clodpates did, in hopes to gain store of chink by that loss. + </p> + <p> + You would have truly sworn they had been a parcel of your petty spiritual + usurers, Rome-bound, selling their all, and borrowing of others, to buy + store of mandates, a pennyworth of a new-made pope. + </p> + <p> + Now they cried out and brayed, and prayed and bawled, and lamented, and + invoked Jupiter: My hatchet! my hatchet! Jupiter, my hatchet! on this + side, My hatchet! on that side, My hatchet! Ho, ho, ho, ho, Jupiter, my + hatchet! The air round about rung again with the cries and howlings of + these rascally losers of hatchets. + </p> + <p> + Mercury was nimble in bringing them hatchets; to each offering that which + he had lost, as also another of gold, and a third of silver. + </p> + <p> + Every he still was for that of gold, giving thanks in abundance to the + great giver, Jupiter; but in the very nick of time that they bowed and + stooped to take it from the ground, whip, in a trice, Mercury lopped off + their heads, as Jupiter had commanded; and of heads thus cut off the + number was just equal to that of the lost hatchets. + </p> + <p> + You see how it is now; you see how it goes with those who in the + simplicity of their hearts wish and desire with moderation. Take warning + by this, all you greedy, fresh-water sharks, who scorn to wish for + anything under ten thousand pounds; and do not for the future run on + impudently, as I have sometimes heard you wishing, Would to God I had now + one hundred seventy-eight millions of gold! Oh! how I should tickle it + off. The deuce on you, what more might a king, an emperor, or a pope wish + for? For that reason, indeed, you see that after you have made such + hopeful wishes, all the good that comes to you of it is the itch or the + scab, and not a cross in your breeches to scare the devil that tempts you + to make these wishes: no more than those two mumpers, wishers after the + custom of Paris; one of whom only wished to have in good old gold as much + as hath been spent, bought, and sold in Paris, since its first foundations + were laid, to this hour; all of it valued at the price, sale, and rate of + the dearest year in all that space of time. Do you think the fellow was + bashful? Had he eaten sour plums unpeeled? Were his teeth on edge, I pray + you? The other wished Our Lady’s Church brimful of steel needles, + from the floor to the top of the roof, and to have as many ducats as might + be crammed into as many bags as might be sewed with each and everyone of + those needles, till they were all either broke at the point or eye. This + is to wish with a vengeance! What think you of it? What did they get by’t, + in your opinion? Why at night both my gentlemen had kibed heels, a tetter + in the chin, a churchyard cough in the lungs, a catarrh in the throat, a + swingeing boil at the rump, and the devil of one musty crust of a brown + george the poor dogs had to scour their grinders with. Wish therefore for + mediocrity, and it shall be given unto you, and over and above yet; that + is to say, provided you bestir yourself manfully, and do your best in the + meantime. + </p> + <p> + Ay, but say you, God might as soon have given me seventy-eight thousand as + the thirteenth part of one half; for he is omnipotent, and a million of + gold is no more to him than one farthing. Oh, ho! pray tell me who taught + you to talk at this rate of the power and predestination of God, poor + silly people? Peace, tush, st, st, st! fall down before his sacred face + and own the nothingness of your nothing. + </p> + <p> + Upon this, O ye that labour under the affliction of the gout, I ground my + hopes; firmly believing, that if so it pleases the divine goodness, you + shall obtain health; since you wish and ask for nothing else, at least for + the present. Well, stay yet a little longer with half an ounce of + patience. + </p> + <p> + The Genoese do not use, like you, to be satisfied with wishing health + alone, when after they have all the livelong morning been in a brown + study, talked, pondered, ruminated, and resolved in the counting-houses of + whom and how they may squeeze the ready, and who by their craft must be + hooked in, wheedled, bubbled, sharped, overreached, and choused; they go + to the exchange, and greet one another with a Sanita e guadagno, Messer! + health and gain to you, sir! Health alone will not go down with the greedy + curmudgeons; they over and above must wish for gain, with a pox to ‘em; + ay, and for the fine crowns, or scudi di Guadaigne; whence, heaven be + praised! it happens many a time that the silly wishers and woulders are + baulked, and get neither. + </p> + <p> + Now, my lads, as you hope for good health, cough once aloud with lungs of + leather; take me off three swingeing bumpers; prick up your ears; and you + shall hear me tell wonders of the noble and good Pantagruel. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link4image-0007" id="link4image-0007"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/4-00-406.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="He Comes to Chinon--4-00-406" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /> <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001__"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE FOURTH BOOK. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0001" id="link42HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.I.—How Pantagruel went to sea to visit the oracle of + Bacbuc, alias the Holy Bottle. + </h2> + <p> + In the month of June, on Vesta’s holiday, the very numerical day on + which Brutus, conquering Spain, taught its strutting dons to truckle under + him, and that niggardly miser Crassus was routed and knocked on the head + by the Parthians, Pantagruel took his leave of the good Gargantua, his + royal father. The old gentleman, according to the laudable custom of the + primitive Christians, devoutly prayed for the happy voyage of his son and + his whole company, and then they took shipping at the port of Thalassa. + Pantagruel had with him Panurge, Friar John des Entomeures, alias of the + Funnels, Epistemon, Gymnast, Eusthenes, Rhizotome, Carpalin, cum multis + aliis, his ancient servants and domestics; also Xenomanes, the great + traveller, who had crossed so many dangerous roads, dikes, ponds, seas, + and so forth, and was come some time before, having been sent for by + Panurge. + </p> + <p> + For certain good causes and considerations him thereunto moving, he had + left with Gargantua, and marked out, in his great and universal + hydrographical chart, the course which they were to steer to visit the + Oracle of the Holy Bottle Bacbuc. The number of ships were such as I + described in the third book, convoyed by a like number of triremes, men of + war, galleons, and feluccas, well-rigged, caulked, and stored with a good + quantity of Pantagruelion. + </p> + <p> + All the officers, droggermen, pilots, captains, mates, boatswains, + midshipmen, quartermasters, and sailors, met in the Thalamege, Pantagruel’s + principal flag-ship, which had in her stern for her ensign a huge large + bottle, half silver well polished, the other half gold enamelled with + carnation; whereby it was easy to guess that white and red were the + colours of the noble travellers, and that they went for the word of the + Bottle. + </p> + <p> + On the stern of the second was a lantern like those of the ancients, + industriously made with diaphanous stone, implying that they were to pass + by Lanternland. The third ship had for her device a fine deep china ewer. + The fourth, a double-handed jar of gold, much like an ancient urn. The + fifth, a famous can made of sperm of emerald. The sixth, a monk’s + mumping bottle made of the four metals together. The seventh, an ebony + funnel, all embossed and wrought with gold after the Tauchic manner. The + eighth, an ivy goblet, very precious, inlaid with gold. The ninth, a cup + of fine Obriz gold. The tenth, a tumbler of aromatic agoloch (you call it + lignum aloes) edged with Cyprian gold, after the Azemine make. The + eleventh, a golden vine-tub of mosaic work. The twelfth, a runlet of + unpolished gold, covered with a small vine of large Indian pearl of + Topiarian work. Insomuch that there was not a man, however in the dumps, + musty, sour-looked, or melancholic he were, not even excepting that + blubbering whiner Heraclitus, had he been there, but seeing this noble + convoy of ships and their devices, must have been seized with present + gladness of heart, and, smiling at the conceit, have said that the + travellers were all honest topers, true pitcher-men, and have judged by a + most sure prognostication that their voyage, both outward and + homeward-bound, would be performed in mirth and perfect health. + </p> + <p> + In the Thalamege, where was the general meeting, Pantagruel made a short + but sweet exhortation, wholly backed with authorities from Scripture upon + navigation; which being ended, with an audible voice prayers were said in + the presence and hearing of all the burghers of Thalassa, who had flocked + to the mole to see them take shipping. After the prayers was melodiously + sung a psalm of the holy King David, which begins, When Israel went out of + Egypt; and that being ended, tables were placed upon deck, and a feast + speedily served up. The Thalassians, who had also borne a chorus in the + psalm, caused store of belly-timber to be brought out of their houses. All + drank to them; they drank to all; which was the cause that none of the + whole company gave up what they had eaten, nor were sea-sick, with a pain + at the head and stomach; which inconveniency they could not so easily have + prevented by drinking, for some time before, salt water, either alone or + mixed with wine; using quinces, citron peel, juice of pomegranates, + sourish sweetmeats, fasting a long time, covering their stomachs with + paper, or following such other idle remedies as foolish physicians + prescribe to those that go to sea. + </p> + <p> + Having often renewed their tipplings, each mother’s son retired on + board his own ship, and set sail all so fast with a merry gale at + south-east; to which point of the compass the chief pilot, James Brayer by + name, had shaped his course, and fixed all things accordingly. For seeing + that the Oracle of the Holy Bottle lay near Cathay, in the Upper India, + his advice, and that of Xenomanes also, was not to steer the course which + the Portuguese use, while sailing through the torrid zone, and Cape Bona + Speranza, at the south point of Africa, beyond the equinoctial line, and + losing sight of the northern pole, their guide, they make a prodigious + long voyage; but rather to keep as near the parallel of the said India as + possible, and to tack to the westward of the said pole, so that winding + under the north, they might find themselves in the latitude of the port of + Olone, without coming nearer it for fear of being shut up in the frozen + sea; whereas, following this canonical turn, by the said parallel, they + must have that on the right to the eastward, which at their departure was + on their left. + </p> + <p> + This proved a much shorter cut; for without shipwreck, danger, or loss of + men, with uninterrupted good weather, except one day near the island of + the Macreons, they performed in less than four months the voyage of Upper + India, which the Portuguese, with a thousand inconveniences and + innumerable dangers, can hardly complete in three years. And it is my + opinion, with submission to better judgments, that this course was perhaps + steered by those Indians who sailed to Germany, and were honourably + received by the King of the Swedes, while Quintus Metellus Celer was + proconsul of the Gauls; as Cornelius Nepos, Pomponius Mela, and Pliny + after them tell us. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0002" id="link42HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.II.—How Pantagruel bought many rarities in the island of + Medamothy. + </h2> + <p> + That day and the two following they neither discovered land nor anything + new; for they had formerly sailed that way: but on the fourth they made an + island called Medamothy, of a fine and delightful prospect, by reason of + the vast number of lighthouses and high marble towers in its circuit, + which is not less than that of Canada (sic). Pantagruel, inquiring who + governed there, heard that it was King Philophanes, absent at that time + upon account of the marriage of his brother Philotheamon with the infanta + of the kingdom of Engys. + </p> + <p> + Hearing this, he went ashore in the harbour, and while every ship’s + crew watered, passed his time in viewing divers pictures, pieces of + tapestry, animals, fishes, birds, and other exotic and foreign + merchandises, which were along the walks of the mole and in the markets of + the port. For it was the third day of the great and famous fair of the + place, to which the chief merchants of Africa and Asia resorted. Out of + these Friar John bought him two rare pictures; in one of which the face of + a man that brings in an appeal was drawn to the life; and in the other a + servant that wants a master, with every needful particular, action, + countenance, look, gait, feature, and deportment, being an original by + Master Charles Charmois, principal painter to King Megistus; and he paid + for them in the court fashion, with conge and grimace. Panurge bought a + large picture, copied and done from the needle-work formerly wrought by + Philomela, showing to her sister Progne how her brother-in-law Tereus had + by force handselled her copyhold, and then cut out her tongue that she + might not (as women will) tell tales. I vow and swear by the handle of my + paper lantern that it was a gallant, a mirific, nay, a most admirable + piece. Nor do you think, I pray you, that in it was the picture of a man + playing the beast with two backs with a female; this had been too silly + and gross: no, no; it was another-guise thing, and much plainer. You may, + if you please, see it at Theleme, on the left hand as you go into the high + gallery. Epistemon bought another, wherein were painted to the life the + ideas of Plato and the atoms of Epicurus. Rhizotome purchased another, + wherein Echo was drawn to the life. Pantagruel caused to be bought, by + Gymnast, the life and deeds of Achilles, in seventy-eight pieces of + tapestry, four fathom long, and three fathom broad, all of Phrygian silk, + embossed with gold and silver; the work beginning at the nuptials of + Peleus and Thetis, continuing to the birth of Achilles; his youth, + described by Statius Papinius; his warlike achievements, celebrated by + Homer; his death and obsequies, written by Ovid and Quintus Calaber; and + ending at the appearance of his ghost, and Polyxena’s sacrifice, + rehearsed by Euripides. + </p> + <p> + He also caused to be bought three fine young unicorns; one of them a male + of a chestnut colour, and two grey dappled females; also a tarand, whom he + bought of a Scythian of the Gelones’ country. + </p> + <p> + A tarand is an animal as big as a bullock, having a head like a stag, or a + little bigger, two stately horns with large branches, cloven feet, hair + long like that of a furred Muscovite, I mean a bear, and a skin almost as + hard as steel armour. The Scythian said that there are but few tarands to + be found in Scythia, because it varieth its colour according to the + diversity of the places where it grazes and abides, and represents the + colour of the grass, plants, trees, shrubs, flowers, meadows, rocks, and + generally of all things near which it comes. It hath this common with the + sea-pulp, or polypus, with the thoes, with the wolves of India, and with + the chameleon, which is a kind of a lizard so wonderful that Democritus + hath written a whole book of its figure and anatomy, as also of its virtue + and propriety in magic. This I can affirm, that I have seen it change its + colour, not only at the approach of things that have a colour, but by its + own voluntary impulse, according to its fear or other affections; as, for + example, upon a green carpet I have certainly seen it become green; but + having remained there some time, it turned yellow, blue, tanned, and + purple in course, in the same manner as you see a turkey-cock’s comb + change colour according to its passions. But what we find most surprising + in this tarand is, that not only its face and skin, but also its hair + could take whatever colour was about it. Near Panurge, with his kersey + coat, its hair used to turn grey; near Pantagruel, with his scarlet + mantle, its hair and skin grew red; near the pilot, dressed after the + fashion of the Isiacs of Anubis in Egypt, its hair seemed all white, which + two last colours the chameleons cannot borrow. + </p> + <p> + When the creature was free from any fear or affection, the colour of its + hair was just such as you see that of the asses of Meung. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0003" id="link42HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.III.—How Pantagruel received a letter from his father + Gargantua, and of the strange way to have speedy news from far distant + places. + </h2> + <p> + While Pantagruel was taken up with the purchase of those foreign animals, + the noise of ten guns and culverins, together with a loud and joyful cheer + of all the fleet, was heard from the mole. Pantagruel looked towards the + haven, and perceived that this was occasioned by the arrival of one of his + father Gargantua’s celoces, or advice-boats, named the Chelidonia; + because on the stern of it was carved in Corinthian brass a sea-swallow, + which is a fish as large as a dare-fish of Loire, all flesh, without + scale, with cartilaginous wings (like a bat’s) very long and broad, + by the means of which I have seen them fly about three fathom above water, + about a bow-shot. At Marseilles ‘tis called lendole. And indeed that + ship was as light as a swallow, so that it rather seemed to fly on the sea + than to sail. Malicorne, Gargantua’s esquire carver, was come in + her, being sent expressly by his master to have an account of his son’s + health and circumstances, and to bring him credentials. When Malicorne had + saluted Pantagruel, before the prince opened the letters, the first thing + he said to him was, Have you here the Gozal, the heavenly messenger? Yes, + sir, said he; here it is swaddled up in this basket. It was a grey pigeon, + taken out of Gargantua’s dove-house, whose young ones were just + hatched when the advice-boat was going off. + </p> + <p> + If any ill fortune had befallen Pantagruel, he would have fastened some + black ribbon to his feet; but because all things had succeeded happily + hitherto, having caused it to be undressed, he tied to its feet a white + ribbon, and without any further delay let it loose. The pigeon presently + flew away, cutting the air with an incredible speed, as you know that + there is no flight like a pigeon’s, especially when it hath eggs or + young ones, through the extreme care which nature hath fixed in it to + relieve and be with its young; insomuch that in less than two hours it + compassed in the air the long tract which the advice-boat, with all her + diligence, with oars and sails, and a fair wind, could not go through in + less than three days and three nights; and was seen as it went into the + dove-house in its nest. Whereupon Gargantua, hearing that it had the white + ribbon on, was joyful and secure of his son’s welfare. This was the + custom of the noble Gargantua and Pantagruel when they would have speedy + news of something of great concern; as the event of some battle, either by + sea or land; the surrendering or holding out of some strong place; the + determination of some difference of moment; the safe or unhappy delivery + of some queen or great lady; the death or recovery of their sick friends + or allies, and so forth. They used to take the gozal, and had it carried + from one to another by the post, to the places whence they desired to have + news. The gozal, bearing either a black or white ribbon, according to the + occurrences and accidents, used to remove their doubts at its return, + making in the space of one hour more way through the air than thirty + postboys could have done in one natural day. May not this be said to + redeem and gain time with a vengeance, think you? For the like service, + therefore, you may believe as a most true thing that in the dove-houses of + their farms there were to be found all the year long store of pigeons + hatching eggs or rearing their young. Which may be easily done in aviaries + and voleries by the help of saltpetre and the sacred herb vervain. + </p> + <p> + The gozal being let fly, Pantagruel perused his father Gargantua’s + letter, the contents of which were as followeth: + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + My dearest Son,—The affection that naturally a father bears a + beloved son is so much increased in me by reflecting on the particular + gifts which by the divine goodness have been heaped on thee, that since + thy departure it hath often banished all other thoughts out of my mind, + leaving my heart wholly possessed with fear lest some misfortune has + attended thy voyage; for thou knowest that fear was ever the attendant + of true and sincere love. Now because, as Hesiod saith, A good beginning + of anything is the half of it; or, Well begun’s half done, + according to the old saying; to free my mind from this anxiety I have + expressly despatched Malicorne, that he may give me a true account of + thy health at the beginning of thy voyage. For if it be good, and such + as I wish it, I shall easily foresee the rest. + </p> + <p> + I have met with some diverting books, which the bearer will deliver + thee; thou mayest read them when thou wantest to unbend and ease thy + mind from thy better studies. He will also give thee at large the news + at court. The peace of the Lord be with thee. Remember me to Panurge, + Friar John, Epistemon, Xenomanes, Gymnast, and thy other principal + domestics. Dated at our paternal seat, this 13th day of June. + </p> + <p> + Thy father and friend, Gargantua. + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0004" id="link42HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.IV.—How Pantagruel writ to his father Gargantua, and sent + him several curiosities. + </h2> + <p> + Pantagruel, having perused the letter, had a long conference with the + esquire Malicorne; insomuch that Panurge, at last interrupting them, asked + him, Pray, sir, when do you design to drink? When shall we drink? When + shall the worshipful esquire drink? What a devil! have you not talked long + enough to drink? It is a good motion, answered Pantagruel: go, get us + something ready at the next inn; I think ‘tis the Centaur. In the + meantime he writ to Gargantua as followeth, to be sent by the aforesaid + esquire: + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + Most gracious Father,—As our senses and animal faculties are more + discomposed at the news of events unexpected, though desired (even to an + immediate dissolution of the soul from the body), than if those + accidents had been foreseen, so the coming of Malicorne hath much + surprised and disordered me. For I had no hopes to see any of your + servants, or to hear from you, before I had finished our voyage; and + contented myself with the dear remembrance of your august majesty, + deeply impressed in the hindmost ventricle of my brain, often + representing you to my mind. + </p> + <p> + But since you have made me happy beyond expectation by the perusal of + your gracious letter, and the faith I have in your esquire hath revived + my spirits by the news of your welfare, I am as it were compelled to do + what formerly I did freely, that is, first to praise the blessed + Redeemer, who by his divine goodness preserves you in this long + enjoyment of perfect health; then to return you eternal thanks for the + fervent affection which you have for me your most humble son and + unprofitable servant. + </p> + <p> + Formerly a Roman, named Furnius, said to Augustus, who had received his + father into favour, and pardoned him after he had sided with Antony, + that by that action the emperor had reduced him to this extremity, that + for want of power to be grateful, both while he lived and after it, he + should be obliged to be taxed with ingratitude. So I may say, that the + excess of your fatherly affection drives me into such a strait, that I + shall be forced to live and die ungrateful; unless that crime be + redressed by the sentence of the Stoics, who say that there are three + parts in a benefit, the one of the giver, the other of the receiver, the + third of the remunerator; and that the receiver rewards the giver when + he freely receives the benefit and always remembers it; as, on the + contrary, that man is most ungrateful who despises and forgets a + benefit. Therefore, being overwhelmed with infinite favours, all + proceeding from your extreme goodness, and on the other side wholly + incapable of making the smallest return, I hope at least to free myself + from the imputation of ingratitude, since they can never be blotted out + of my mind; and my tongue shall never cease to own that to thank you as + I ought transcends my capacity. + </p> + <p> + As for us, I have this assurance in the Lord’s mercy and help, + that the end of our voyage will be answerable to its beginning, and so + it will be entirely performed in health and mirth. I will not fail to + set down in a journal a full account of our navigation, that at our + return you may have an exact relation of the whole. + </p> + <p> + I have found here a Scythian tarand, an animal strange and wonderful for + the variations of colour on its skin and hair, according to the + distinction of neighbouring things; it is as tractable and easily kept + as a lamb. Be pleased to accept of it. + </p> + <p> + I also send you three young unicorns, which are the tamest of creatures. + </p> + <p> + I have conferred with the esquire, and taught him how they must be fed. + These cannot graze on the ground by reason of the long horn on their + forehead, but are forced to browse on fruit trees, or on proper racks, + or to be fed by hand, with herbs, sheaves, apples, pears, barley, rye, + and other fruits and roots, being placed before them. + </p> + <p> + I am amazed that ancient writers should report them to be so wild, + furious, and dangerous, and never seen alive; far from it, you will find + that they are the mildest things in the world, provided they are not + maliciously offended. Likewise I send you the life and deeds of Achilles + in curious tapestry; assuring you whatever rarities of animals, plants, + birds, or precious stones, and others, I shall be able to find and + purchase in our travels, shall be brought to you, God willing, whom I + beseech, by his blessed grace, to preserve you. + </p> + <p> + From Medamothy, this 15th of June. Panurge, Friar John, Epistemon, + Zenomanes, Gymnast, Eusthenes, Rhizotome, and Carpalin, having most + humbly kissed your hand, return your salute a thousand times. + </p> + <p> + Your most dutiful son and servant, Pantagruel. + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + While Pantagruel was writing this letter, Malicorne was made welcome by + all with a thousand goodly good-morrows and how-d’ye’s; they + clung about him so that I cannot tell you how much they made of him, how + many humble services, how many from my love and to my love were sent with + him. Pantagruel, having writ his letters, sat down at table with him, and + afterwards presented him with a large chain of gold, weighing eight + hundred crowns, between whose septenary links some large diamonds, rubies, + emeralds, turquoise stones, and unions were alternately set in. To each of + his bark’s crew he ordered to be given five hundred crowns. To + Gargantua, his father, he sent the tarand covered with a cloth of satin, + brocaded with gold, and the tapestry containing the life and deeds of + Achilles, with the three unicorns in friezed cloth of gold trappings; and + so they left Medamothy—Malicorne to return to Gargantua, Pantagruel + to proceed in his voyage, during which Epistemon read to him the books + which the esquire had brought, and because he found them jovial and + pleasant, I shall give you an account of them, if you earnestly desire it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0005" id="link42HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.V.—How Pantagruel met a ship with passengers returning + from Lanternland. + </h2> + <p> + On the fifth day we began already to wind by little and little about the + pole; going still farther from the equinoctial line, we discovered a + merchant-man to the windward of us. The joy for this was not small on both + sides; we in hopes to hear news from sea, and those in the merchant-man + from land. So we bore upon ‘em, and coming up with them we hailed + them; and finding them to be Frenchmen of Xaintonge, backed our sails and + lay by to talk to them. Pantagruel heard that they came from Lanternland; + which added to his joy, and that of the whole fleet. We inquired about the + state of that country, and the way of living of the Lanterns; and were + told that about the latter end of the following July was the time prefixed + for the meeting of the general chapter of the Lanterns; and that if we + arrived there at that time, as we might easily, we should see a handsome, + honourable, and jolly company of Lanterns; and that great preparations + were making, as if they intended to lanternize there to the purpose. We + were told also that if we touched at the great kingdom of Gebarim, we + should be honourably received and treated by the sovereign of that + country, King Ohabe, who, as well as all his subjects, speaks Touraine + French. + </p> + <p> + While we were listening to these news, Panurge fell out with one Dingdong, + a drover or sheep-merchant of Taillebourg. The occasion of the fray was + thus: + </p> + <p> + This same Dingdong, seeing Panurge without a codpiece, with his spectacles + fastened to his cap, said to one of his comrades, Prithee, look, is there + not a fine medal of a cuckold? Panurge, by reason of his spectacles, as + you may well think, heard more plainly by half with his ears than usually; + which caused him (hearing this) to say to the saucy dealer in mutton, in a + kind of a pet: + </p> + <p> + How the devil should I be one of the hornified fraternity, since I am not + yet a brother of the marriage-noose, as thou art; as I guess by thy + ill-favoured phiz? + </p> + <p> + Yea, verily, quoth the grazier, I am married, and would not be otherwise + for all the pairs of spectacles in Europe; nay, not for all the magnifying + gimcracks in Africa; for I have got me the cleverest, prettiest, + handsomest, properest, neatest, tightest, honestest, and soberest piece of + woman’s flesh for my wife that is in all the whole country of + Xaintonge; I’ll say that for her, and a fart for all the rest. I + bring her home a fine eleven-inch-long branch of red coral for her + Christmas-box. What hast thou to do with it? what’s that to thee? + who art thou? whence comest thou, O dark lantern of Antichrist? Answer, if + thou art of God. I ask thee, by the way of question, said Panurge to him + very seriously, if with the consent and countenance of all the elements, I + had gingumbobbed, codpieced, and thumpthumpriggledtickledtwiddled thy so + clever, so pretty, so handsome, so proper, so neat, so tight, so honest, + and so sober female importance, insomuch that the stiff deity that has no + forecast, Priapus (who dwells here at liberty, all subjection of fastened + codpieces, or bolts, bars, and locks, abdicated), remained sticking in her + natural Christmas-box in such a lamentable manner that it were never to + come out, but eternally should stick there unless thou didst pull it out + with thy teeth; what wouldst thou do? Wouldst thou everlastingly leave it + there, or wouldst thou pluck it out with thy grinders? Answer me, O thou + ram of Mahomet, since thou art one of the devil’s gang. I would, + replied the sheepmonger, take thee such a woundy cut on this + spectacle-bearing lug of thine with my trusty bilbo as would smite thee + dead as a herring. Thus, having taken pepper in the nose, he was lugging + out his sword, but, alas!—cursed cows have short horns,—it + stuck in the scabbard; as you know that at sea cold iron will easily take + rust by reason of the excessive and nitrous moisture. Panurge, so smitten + with terror that his heart sunk down to his midriff, scoured off to + Pantagruel for help; but Friar John laid hand on his flashing scimitar + that was new ground, and would certainly have despatched Dingdong to + rights, had not the skipper and some of his passengers beseeched + Pantagruel not to suffer such an outrage to be committed on board his + ship. So the matter was made up, and Panurge and his antagonist shaked + fists, and drank in course to one another in token of a perfect + reconciliation. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0006" id="link42HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.VI.—How, the fray being over, Panurge cheapened one of + Dingdong’s sheep. + </h2> + <p> + This quarrel being hushed, Panurge tipped the wink upon Epistemon and + Friar John, and taking them aside, Stand at some distance out of the way, + said he, and take your share of the following scene of mirth. You shall + have rare sport anon, if my cake be not dough, and my plot do but take. + Then addressing himself to the drover, he took off to him a bumper of good + lantern wine. The other pledged him briskly and courteously. This done, + Panurge earnestly entreated him to sell him one of his sheep. + </p> + <p> + But the other answered him, Is it come to that, friend and neighbour? + Would you put tricks upon travellers? Alas, how finely you love to play + upon poor folk! Nay, you seem a rare chapman, that’s the truth on’t. + Oh, what a mighty sheep-merchant you are! In good faith, you look liker + one of the diving trade than a buyer of sheep. Adzookers, what a blessing + it would be to have one’s purse well lined with chink near your + worship at a tripe-house when it begins to thaw! Humph, humph, did not we + know you well, you might serve one a slippery trick! Pray do but see, good + people, what a mighty conjuror the fellow would be reckoned. Patience, + said Panurge; but waiving that, be so kind as to sell me one of your + sheep. Come, how much? What do you mean, master of mine? answered the + other. They are long-wool sheep; from these did Jason take his golden + fleece. The gold of the house of Burgundy was drawn from them. Zwoons, + man, they are oriental sheep, topping sheep, fatted sheep, sheep of + quality. Be it so, said Panurge; but sell me one of them, I beseech you; + and that for a cause, paying you ready money upon the nail, in good and + lawful occidental current cash. Wilt say how much? Friend, neighbour, + answered the seller of mutton, hark ye me a little, on the ear. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Panurge. On which side you please; I hear you. + +Dingdong. You are going to Lanternland, they say. + +Panurge. Yea, verily. + +Dingdong. To see fashions? + +Panurge. Even so. + +Dingdong. And be merry? + +Panurge. And be merry. + +Dingdong. Your name is, as I take it, Robin Mutton? + +Panurge. As you please for that, sweet sir. + +Dingdong. Nay, without offence. + +Panurge. So I would have it. + +Dingdong. You are, as I take it, the king’s jester; aren’t you? + +Panurge. Ay, ay, anything. + +Dingdong. Give me your hand—humph, humph, you go to see fashions, you +are the king’s jester, your name is Robin Mutton! Do you see this same +ram? His name, too, is Robin. Here, Robin, Robin, Robin! Baea, baea, +baea. Hath he not a rare voice? + +Panurge. Ay, marry has he, a very fine and harmonious voice. + +Dingdong. Well, this bargain shall be made between you and me, friend +and neighbour; we will get a pair of scales, then you Robin Mutton shall be +put into one of them, and Tup Robin into the other. Now I will hold you a +peck of Busch oysters that in weight, value, and price he shall outdo you, +and you shall be found light in the very numerical manner as when you shall +be hanged and suspended. +</pre> + <p> + Patience, said Panurge; but you would do much for me and your whole + posterity if you would chaffer with me for him, or some other of his + inferiors. I beg it of you; good your worship, be so kind. Hark ye, friend + of mine, answered the other; with the fleece of these your fine Rouen + cloth is to be made; your Leominster superfine wool is mine arse to it; + mere flock in comparison. Of their skins the best cordovan will be made, + which shall be sold for Turkey and Montelimart, or for Spanish leather at + least. Of the guts shall be made fiddle and harp strings that will sell as + dear as if they came from Munican or Aquileia. What do you think on’t, + hah? If you please, sell me one of them, said Panurge, and I will be yours + for ever. Look, here’s ready cash. What’s the price? This he + said exhibiting his purse stuffed with new Henricuses. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0007" id="link42HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.VII.—Which if you read you’ll find how Panurge + bargained with Dingdong. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link4image-0008" id="link4image-0008"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/4-07-420.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Cost What They Will, Trade With Me--4-07-420" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + Neighbour, my friend, answered Dingdong, they are meat for none but kings + and princes; their flesh is so delicate, so savoury, and so dainty that + one would swear it melted in the mouth. I bring them out of a country + where the very hogs, God be with us, live on nothing but myrobolans. The + sows in the styes when they lie-in (saving the honour of this good + company) are fed only with orange-flowers. But, said Panurge, drive a + bargain with me for one of them, and I will pay you for’t like a + king, upon the honest word of a true Trojan; come, come, what do you ask? + Not so fast, Robin, answered the trader; these sheep are lineally + descended from the very family of the ram that wafted Phryxus and Helle + over the sea since called the Hellespont. A pox on’t, said Panurge, + you are clericus vel addiscens! Ita is a cabbage, and vere a leek, + answered the merchant. But, rr, rrr, rrrr, rrrrr, hoh Robin, rr, rrrrrrr, + you don’t understand that gibberish, do you? Now I think on’t, + over all the fields where they piss, corn grows as fast as if the Lord had + pissed there; they need neither be tilled nor dunged. Besides, man, your + chemists extract the best saltpetre in the world out of their urine. Nay, + with their very dung (with reverence be it spoken) the doctors in our + country make pills that cure seventy-eight kinds of diseases, the least of + which is the evil of St. Eutropius of Xaintes, from which, good Lord, + deliver us! Now what do you think on’t, neighbour, my friend? The + truth is, they cost me money, that they do. Cost what they will, cried + Panurge, trade with me for one of them, paying you well. Our friend, quoth + the quacklike sheepman, do but mind the wonders of nature that are found + in those animals, even in a member which one would think were of no use. + Take me but these horns, and bray them a little with an iron pestle, or + with an andiron, which you please, it is all one to me; then bury them + wherever you will, provided it be where the sun may shine, and water them + frequently; in a few months I’ll engage you will have the best + asparagus in the world, not even excepting those of Ravenna. Now, come and + tell me whether the horns of your other knights of the bull’s + feather have such a virtue and wonderful propriety? + </p> + <p> + Patience, said Panurge. I don’t know whether you be a scholar or no, + pursued Dingdong; I have seen a world of scholars, I say great scholars, + that were cuckolds, I’ll assure you. But hark you me, if you were a + scholar, you should know that in the most inferior members of those + animals, which are the feet, there is a bone, which is the heel, the + astragalus, if you will have it so, wherewith, and with that of no other + creature breathing, except the Indian ass and the dorcades of Libya, they + used in old times to play at the royal game of dice, whereat Augustus the + emperor won above fifty thousand crowns one evening. Now such cuckolds as + you will be hanged ere you get half so much at it. Patience, said Panurge; + but let us despatch. And when, my friend and neighbour, continued the + canting sheepseller, shall I have duly praised the inward members, the + shoulders, the legs, the knuckles, the neck, the breast, the liver, the + spleen, the tripes, the kidneys, the bladder, wherewith they make + footballs; the ribs, which serve in Pigmyland to make little crossbows to + pelt the cranes with cherry-stones; the head, which with a little + brimstone serves to make a miraculous decoction to loosen and ease the + belly of costive dogs? A turd on’t, said the skipper to his + preaching passenger, what a fiddle-faddle have we here? There is too long + a lecture by half: sell him if thou wilt; if thou won’t, don’t + let the man lose more time. I hate a gibble-gabble and a rimble-ramble + talk. I am for a man of brevity. I will, for your sake, replied the + holder-forth; but then he shall give me three livres, French money, for + each pick and choose. It is a woundy price, cried Panurge; in our country + I could have five, nay six, for the money; see that you do not overreach + me, master. You are not the first man whom I have known to have fallen, + even sometimes to the endangering, if not breaking, of his own neck, for + endeavouring to rise all at once. A murrain seize thee for a blockheaded + booby, cried the angry seller of sheep; by the worthy vow of Our Lady of + Charroux, the worst in this flock is four times better than those which + the Coraxians in Tuditania, a country of Spain, used to sell for a gold + talent each; and how much dost thou think, thou Hibernian fool, that a + talent of gold was worth? Sweet sir, you fall into a passion, I see, + returned Panurge; well, hold, here is your money. Panurge, having paid his + money, chose him out of all the flock a fine topping ram; and as he was + hauling it along, crying out and bleating, all the rest, hearing and + bleating in concert, stared to see whither their brother-ram should be + carried. In the meanwhile the drover was saying to his shepherds: Ah! how + well the knave could choose him out a ram; the whoreson has skill in + cattle. On my honest word, I reserved that very piece of flesh for the + Lord of Cancale, well knowing his disposition; for the good man is + naturally overjoyed when he holds a good-sized handsome shoulder of + mutton, instead of a left-handed racket, in one hand, with a good sharp + carver in the other. God wot, how he belabours himself then. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0008" id="link42HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.VIII.—How Panurge caused Dingdong and his sheep to be + drowned in the sea. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link4image-0009" id="link4image-0009"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/4-08-422.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="All of Them Forced to Sea and Drowned--4-08-422" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + On a sudden, you would wonder how the thing was so soon done—for my + part I cannot tell you, for I had not leisure to mind it—our friend + Panurge, without any further tittle-tattle, throws you his ram overboard + into the middle of the sea, bleating and making a sad noise. Upon this all + the other sheep in the ship, crying and bleating in the same tone, made + all the haste they could to leap nimbly into the sea, one after another; + and great was the throng who should leap in first after their leader. It + was impossible to hinder them; for you know that it is the nature of sheep + always to follow the first wheresoever it goes; which makes Aristotle, + lib. 9. De. Hist. Animal., mark them for the most silly and foolish + animals in the world. Dingdong, at his wits’ end, and stark staring + mad, as a man who saw his sheep destroy and drown themselves before his + face, strove to hinder and keep them back with might and main; but all in + vain: they all one after t’other frisked and jumped into the sea, + and were lost. At last he laid hold on a huge sturdy one by the fleece, + upon the deck of the ship, hoping to keep it back, and so save that and + the rest; but the ram was so strong that it proved too hard for him, and + carried its master into the herring pond in spite of his teeth—where + it is supposed he drank somewhat more than his fill, so that he was + drowned—in the same manner as one-eyed Polyphemus’ sheep + carried out of the den Ulysses and his companions. The like happened to + the shepherds and all their gang, some laying hold on their beloved tup, + this by the horns, t’other by the legs, a third by the rump, and + others by the fleece; till in fine they were all of them forced to sea, + and drowned like so many rats. Panurge, on the gunnel of the ship, with an + oar in his hand, not to help them you may swear, but to keep them from + swimming to the ship and saving themselves from drowning, preached and + canted to them all the while like any little Friar (Oliver) Maillard, or + another Friar John Burgess; laying before them rhetorical commonplaces + concerning the miseries of this life and the blessings and felicity of the + next; assuring them that the dead were much happier than the living in + this vale of misery, and promised to erect a stately cenotaph and honorary + tomb to every one of them on the highest summit of Mount Cenis at his + return from Lanternland; wishing them, nevertheless, in case they were not + yet disposed to shake hands with this life, and did not like their salt + liquor, they might have the good luck to meet with some kind whale which + might set them ashore safe and sound on some blessed land of Gotham, after + a famous example. + </p> + <p> + The ship being cleared of Dingdong and his tups: Is there ever another + sheepish soul left lurking on board? cried Panurge. Where are those of + Toby Lamb and Robin Ram that sleep while the rest are a-feeding? Faith, I + can’t tell myself. This was an old coaster’s trick. What think’st + of it, Friar John, hah? Rarely performed, answered Friar John; only + methinks that as formerly in war, on the day of battle, a double pay was + commonly promised the soldiers for that day; for if they overcame, there + was enough to pay them; and if they lost, it would have been shameful for + them to demand it, as the cowardly foresters did after the battle of + Cerizoles; likewise, my friend, you ought not to have paid your man, and + the money had been saved. A fart for the money, said Panurge; have I not + had above fifty thousand pounds’ worth of sport? Come now, let’s + be gone; the wind is fair. Hark you me, my friend John; never did man do + me a good turn, but I returned, or at least acknowledged it; no, I scorn + to be ungrateful; I never was, nor ever will be. Never did man do me an + ill one without rueing the day that he did it, either in this world or the + next. I am not yet so much a fool neither. Thou damn’st thyself like + any old devil, quoth Friar John; it is written, Mihi vindictam, &c. + Matter of breviary, mark ye me (Motteux adds unnecessarily (by way of + explanation), ‘that’s holy stuff.’). + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0009" id="link42HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.IX.—How Pantagruel arrived at the island of Ennasin, and + of the strange ways of being akin in that country. + </h2> + <p> + We had still the wind at south-south-west, and had been a whole day + without making land. On the third day, at the flies’ uprising + (which, you know, is some two or three hours after the sun’s), we + got sight of a triangular island, very much like Sicily for its form and + situation. It was called the Island of Alliances. + </p> + <p> + The people there are much like your carrot-pated Poitevins, save only that + all of them, men, women, and children, have their noses shaped like an ace + of clubs. For that reason the ancient name of the country was Ennasin. + They were all akin, as the mayor of the place told us; at least they + boasted so. + </p> + <p> + You people of the other world esteem it a wonderful thing that, out of the + family of the Fabii at Rome, on a certain day, which was the 13th of + February, at a certain gate, which was the Porta Carmentalis, since named + Scelerata, formerly situated at the foot of the Capitol, between the + Tarpeian rock and the Tiber, marched out against the Veientes of Etruria + three hundred and six men bearing arms, all related to each other, with + five thousand other soldiers, every one of them their vassals, who were + all slain near the river Cremera, that comes out of the lake of Beccano. + Now from this same country of Ennasin, in case of need, above three + hundred thousand, all relations and of one family, might march out. Their + degrees of consanguinity and alliance are very strange; for being thus + akin and allied to one another, we found that none was either father or + mother, brother or sister, uncle or aunt, nephew or niece, son-in-law or + daughter-in-law, godfather or godmother, to the other; unless, truly, a + tall flat-nosed old fellow, who, as I perceived, called a little + shitten-arsed girl of three or four years old, father, and the child + called him daughter. + </p> + <p> + Their distinction of degrees of kindred was thus: a man used to call a + woman, my lean bit; the woman called him, my porpoise. Those, said Friar + John, must needs stink damnably of fish when they have rubbed their bacon + one with the other. One, smiling on a young buxom baggage, said, Good + morrow, dear currycomb. She, to return him his civility, said, The like to + you, my steed. Ha! ha! ha! said Panurge, that is pretty well, in faith; + for indeed it stands her in good stead to currycomb this steed. Another + greeted his buttock with a Farewell, my case. She replied, Adieu, trial. + By St. Winifred’s placket, cried Gymnast, this case has been often + tried. Another asked a she-friend of his, How is it, hatchet? She answered + him, At your service, dear helve. Odds belly, saith Carpalin, this helve + and this hatchet are well matched. As we went on, I saw one who, calling + his she-relation, styled her my crumb, and she called him, my crust. + </p> + <p> + Quoth one to a brisk, plump, juicy female, I am glad to see you, dear tap. + So am I to find you so merry, sweet spiggot, replied she. One called a + wench, his shovel; she called him, her peal: one named his, my slipper; + and she, my foot: another, my boot; she, my shasoon. + </p> + <p> + In the same degree of kindred, one called his, my butter; she called him, + my eggs; and they were akin just like a dish of buttered eggs. I heard one + call his, my tripe, and she him, my faggot. Now I could not, for the heart’s + blood of me, pick out or discover what parentage, alliance, affinity, or + consanguinity was between them, with reference to our custom; only they + told us that she was faggot’s tripe. (Tripe de fagot means the + smallest sticks in a faggot.) Another, complimenting his convenient, said, + Yours, my shell; she replied, I was yours before, sweet oyster. I reckon, + said Carpalin, she hath gutted his oyster. Another long-shanked ugly + rogue, mounted on a pair of high-heeled wooden slippers, meeting a + strapping, fusty, squabbed dowdy, says he to her, How is’t my top? + She was short upon him, and arrogantly replied, Never the better for you, + my whip. By St. Antony’s hog, said Xenomanes, I believe so; for how + can this whip be sufficient to lash this top? + </p> + <p> + A college professor, well provided with cod, and powdered and prinked up, + having a while discoursed with a great lady, taking his leave with these + words, Thank you, sweetmeat; she cried, There needs no thanks, sour-sauce. + Saith Pantagruel, This is not altogether incongruous, for sweet meat must + have sour sauce. A wooden loggerhead said to a young wench, It is long + since I saw you, bag; All the better, cried she, pipe. Set them together, + said Panurge, then blow in their arses, it will be a bagpipe. We saw, + after that, a diminutive humpbacked gallant, pretty near us, taking leave + of a she-relation of his, thus: Fare thee well, friend hole; she + reparteed, Save thee, friend peg. Quoth Friar John, What could they say + more, were he all peg and she all hole? But now would I give something to + know if every cranny of the hole can be stopped up with that same peg. + </p> + <p> + A bawdy bachelor, talking with an old trout, was saying, Remember, rusty + gun. I will not fail, said she, scourer. Do you reckon these two to be + akin? said Pantagruel to the mayor. I rather take them to be foes. In our + country a woman would take this as a mortal affront. Good people of t’other + world, replied the mayor, you have few such and so near relations as this + gun and scourer are to one another; for they both come out of one shop. + What, was the shop their mother? quoth Panurge. What mother, said the + mayor, does the man mean? That must be some of your world’s + affinity; we have here neither father nor mother. Your little paltry + fellows that live on t’other side the water, poor rogues, booted + with wisps of hay, may indeed have such; but we scorn it. The good + Pantagruel stood gazing and listening; but at those words he had like to + have lost all patience. (Here Motteux adds an aside—‘os kai + nun o Ermeneutes. P.M.’). + </p> + <p> + Having very exactly viewed the situation of the island and the way of + living of the Enassed nation, we went to take a cup of the creature at a + tavern, where there happened to be a wedding after the manner of the + country. Bating that shocking custom, there was special good cheer. + </p> + <p> + While we were there, a pleasant match was struck up betwixt a female + called Pear (a tight thing, as we thought, but by some, who knew better + things, said to be quaggy and flabby), and a young soft male, called + Cheese, somewhat sandy. (Many such matches have been, and they were + formerly much commended.) In our country we say, Il ne fut onques tel + mariage, qu’est de la poire et du fromage; there is no match like + that made between the pear and the cheese; and in many other places good + store of such bargains have been driven. Besides, when the women are at + their last prayers, it is to this day a noted saying, that after cheese + comes nothing. + </p> + <p> + In another room I saw them marrying an old greasy boot to a young pliable + buskin. Pantagruel was told that young buskin took old boot to have and to + hold because she was of special leather, in good case, and waxed, seared, + liquored, and greased to the purpose, even though it had been for the + fisherman that went to bed with his boots on. In another room below, I saw + a young brogue taking a young slipper for better for worse; which, they + told us, was neither for the sake of her piety, parts, or person, but for + the fourth comprehensive p, portion; the spankers, spur-royals, + rose-nobles, and other coriander seed with which she was quilted all over. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0010" id="link42HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.X.—How Pantagruel went ashore at the island of Chely, + where he saw King St. Panigon. + </h2> + <p> + We sailed right before the wind, which we had at west, leaving those odd + alliancers with their ace-of-clubs snouts, and having taken height by the + sun, stood in for Chely, a large, fruitful, wealthy, and well-peopled + island. King St. Panigon, first of the name, reigned there, and, attended + by the princes his sons and the nobles of his court, came as far as the + port to receive Pantagruel, and conducted him to his palace; near the gate + of which the queen, attended by the princesses her daughters and the court + ladies, received us. Panigon directed her and all her retinue to salute + Pantagruel and his men with a kiss; for such was the civil custom of the + country; and they were all fairly bussed accordingly, except Friar John, + who stepped aside and sneaked off among the king’s officers. Panigon + used all the entreaties imaginable to persuade Pantagruel to tarry there + that day and the next; but he would needs be gone, and excused himself + upon the opportunity of wind and weather, which, being oftener desired + than enjoyed, ought not to be neglected when it comes. Panigon, having + heard these reasons, let us go, but first made us take off some + five-and-twenty or thirty bumpers each. + </p> + <p> + Pantagruel, returning to the port, missed Friar John, and asked why he was + not with the rest of the company. Panurge could not tell how to excuse + him, and would have gone back to the palace to call him, when Friar John + overtook them, and merrily cried, Long live the noble Panigon! As I love + my belly, he minds good eating, and keeps a noble house and a dainty + kitchen. I have been there, boys. Everything goes about by dozens. I was + in good hopes to have stuffed my puddings there like a monk. What! always + in a kitchen, friend? said Pantagruel. By the belly of St. Cramcapon, + quoth the friar, I understand the customs and ceremonies which are used + there much better than all the formal stuff, antique postures, and + nonsensical fiddle-faddle that must be used with those women, magni magna, + shittencumshita, cringes, grimaces, scrapes, bows, and congees; double + honours this way, triple salutes that way, the embrace, the grasp, the + squeeze, the hug, the leer, the smack, baso las manos de vostra merce, de + vostra maesta. You are most tarabin, tarabas, Stront; that’s + downright Dutch. Why all this ado? I don’t say but a man might be + for a bit by the bye and away, to be doing as well as his neighbours; but + this little nasty cringing and courtesying made me as mad as any March + devil. You talk of kissing ladies; by the worthy and sacred frock I wear, + I seldom venture upon it, lest I be served as was the Lord of + Guyercharois. What was it? said Pantagruel; I know him. He is one of the + best friends I have. + </p> + <p> + He was invited to a sumptuous feast, said Friar John, by a relation and + neighbour of his, together with all the gentlemen and ladies in the + neighbourhood. Now some of the latter expecting his coming, dressed the + pages in women’s clothes, and finified them like any babies; then + ordered them to meet my lord at his coming near the drawbridge. So the + complimenting monsieur came, and there kissed the petticoated lads with + great formality. At last the ladies, who minded passages in the gallery, + burst out with laughing, and made signs to the pages to take off their + dress; which the good lord having observed, the devil a bit he durst make + up to the true ladies to kiss them, but said, that since they had + disguised the pages, by his great grandfather’s helmet, these were + certainly the very footmen and grooms still more cunningly disguised. Odds + fish, da jurandi, why do not we rather remove our humanities into some + good warm kitchen of God, that noble laboratory, and there admire the + turning of the spits, the harmonious rattling of the jacks and fenders, + criticise on the position of the lard, the temperature of the pottages, + the preparation for the dessert, and the order of the wine service? Beati + immaculati in via. Matter of breviary, my masters. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0011" id="link42HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XI.—Why monks love to be in kitchens. + </h2> + <p> + This, said Epistemon, is spoke like a true monk; I mean like a right + monking monk, not a bemonked monastical monkling. Truly you put me in mind + of some passages that happened at Florence, some twenty years ago, in a + company of studious travellers, fond of visiting the learned, and seeing + the antiquities of Italy, among whom I was. As we viewed the situation and + beauty of Florence, the structure of the dome, the magnificence of the + churches and palaces, we strove to outdo one another in giving them their + due; when a certain monk of Amiens, Bernard Lardon by name, quite angry, + scandalized, and out of all patience, told us, I don’t know what the + devil you can find in this same town, that is so much cried up; for my + part I have looked and pored and stared as well as the best of you; I + think my eyesight is as clear as another body’s, and what can one + see after all? There are fine houses, indeed and that’s all. But the + cage does not feed the birds. God and Monsieur St. Bernard, our good + patron, be with us! in all this same town I have not seen one poor lane of + roasting cooks; and yet I have not a little looked about and sought for so + necessary a part of a commonwealth: ay, and I dare assure you that I have + pried up and down with the exactness of an informer; as ready to number, + both to the right and left, how many, and on what side, we might find most + roasting cooks, as a spy would be to reckon the bastions of a town. Now at + Amiens, in four, nay, five times less ground than we have trod in our + contemplations, I could have shown you above fourteen streets of roasting + cooks, most ancient, savoury, and aromatic. I cannot imagine what kind of + pleasure you can have taken in gazing on the lions and Africans (so + methinks you call their tigers) near the belfry, or in ogling the + porcupines and estridges in the Lord Philip Strozzi’s palace. Faith + and truth I had rather see a good fat goose at the spit. This porphyry, + those marbles are fine; I say nothing to the contrary; but our cheesecakes + at Amiens are far better in my mind. These ancient statues are well made; + I am willing to believe it; but, by St. Ferreol of Abbeville, we have + young wenches in our country which please me better a thousand times. + </p> + <p> + What is the reason, asked Friar John, that monks are always to be found in + kitchens, and kings, emperors, and popes are never there? Is there not, + said Rhizotome, some latent virtue and specific propriety hid in the + kettles and pans, which, as the loadstone attracts iron, draws the monks + there, and cannot attract emperors, popes, or kings? Or is it a natural + induction and inclination, fixed in the frocks and cowls, which of itself + leads and forceth those good religious men into kitchens, whether they + will or no? He would speak of forms following matter, as Averroes calls + them, answered Epistemon. Right, said Friar John. + </p> + <p> + I will not offer to solve this problem, said Pantagruel; for it is + somewhat ticklish, and you can hardly handle it without coming off + scurvily; but I will tell you what I have heard. + </p> + <p> + Antigonus, King of Macedon, one day coming into one of the tents, where + his cooks used to dress his meat, and finding there poet Antagoras frying + a conger, and holding the pan himself, merrily asked him, Pray, Mr. Poet, + was Homer frying congers when he wrote the deeds of Agamemnon? Antagoras + readily answered: But do you think, sir, that when Agamemnon did them he + made it his business to know if any in his camp were frying congers? The + king thought it an indecency that a poet should be thus a-frying in a + kitchen; and the poet let the king know that it was a more indecent thing + for a king to be found in such a place. I’ll clap another story upon + the neck of this, quoth Panurge, and will tell you what Breton Villandry + answered one day to the Duke of Guise. + </p> + <p> + They were saying that at a certain battle of King Francis against Charles + the Fifth, Breton, armed cap-a-pie to the teeth, and mounted like St. + George, yet sneaked off, and played least in sight during the engagement. + Blood and oons, answered Breton, I was there, and can prove it easily; + nay, even where you, my lord, dared not have been. The duke began to + resent this as too rash and saucy; but Breton easily appeased him, and set + them all a-laughing. Egad, my lord, quoth he, I kept out of harm’s + way; I was all the while with your page Jack, skulking in a certain place + where you had not dared hide your head as I did. Thus discoursing, they + got to their ships, and left the island of Chely. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0012" id="link42HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XII.—How Pantagruel passed by the land of Pettifogging, + and of the strange way of living among the Catchpoles. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link4image-0010" id="link4image-0010"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/4-12-430.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Messire Oudart--4-12-430" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + Steering our course forwards the next day, we passed through Pettifogging, + a country all blurred and blotted, so that I could hardly tell what to + make on’t. There we saw some pettifoggers and catchpoles, rogues + that will hang their father for a groat. They neither invited us to eat or + drink; but, with a multiplied train of scrapes and cringes, said they were + all at our service for the Legem pone. + </p> + <p> + One of our droggermen related to Pantagruel their strange way of living, + diametrically opposed to that of our modern Romans; for at Rome a world of + folks get an honest livelihood by poisoning, drubbing, lambasting, + stabbing, and murthering; but the catchpoles earn theirs by being + thrashed; so that if they were long without a tight lambasting, the poor + dogs with their wives and children would be starved. This is just, quoth + Panurge, like those who, as Galen tells us, cannot erect the cavernous + nerve towards the equinoctial circle unless they are soundly flogged. By + St. Patrick’s slipper, whoever should jerk me so, would soon, + instead of setting me right, throw me off the saddle, in the devil’s + name. + </p> + <p> + The way is this, said the interpreter. When a monk, levite, close-fisted + usurer, or lawyer owes a grudge to some neighbouring gentleman, he sends + to him one of those catchpoles or apparitors, who nabs, or at least cites + him, serves a writ or warrant upon him, thumps, abuses, and affronts him + impudently by natural instinct, and according to his pious instructions; + insomuch, that if the gentleman hath but any guts in his brains, and is + not more stupid than a gyrin frog, he will find himself obliged either to + apply a faggot-stick or his sword to the rascal’s jobbernowl, give + him the gentle lash, or make him cut a caper out at the window, by way of + correction. This done, Catchpole is rich for four months at least, as if + bastinadoes were his real harvest; for the monk, levite, usurer, or lawyer + will reward him roundly; and my gentleman must pay him such swingeing + damages that his acres must bleed for it, and he be in danger of miserably + rotting within a stone doublet, as if he had struck the king. + </p> + <p> + Quoth Panurge, I know an excellent remedy against this used by the Lord of + Basche. What is it? said Pantagruel. The Lord of Basche, said Panurge, was + a brave, honest, noble-spirited gentleman, who, at his return from the + long war in which the Duke of Ferrara, with the help of the French, + bravely defended himself against the fury of Pope Julius the Second, was + every day cited, warned, and prosecuted at the suit and for the sport and + fancy of the fat prior of St. Louant. + </p> + <p> + One morning, as he was at breakfast with some of his domestics (for he + loved to be sometimes among them) he sent for one Loire, his baker, and + his spouse, and for one Oudart, the vicar of his parish, who was also his + butler, as the custom was then in France; then said to them before his + gentlemen and other servants: You all see how I am daily plagued with + these rascally catchpoles. Truly, if you do not lend me your helping hand, + I am finally resolved to leave the country, and go fight for the sultan, + or the devil, rather than be thus eternally teased. Therefore, to be rid + of their damned visits, hereafter, when any of them come here, be ready, + you baker and your wife, to make your personal appearance in my great + hall, in your wedding clothes, as if you were going to be affianced. Here, + take these ducats, which I give you to keep you in a fitting garb. As for + you, Sir Oudart, be sure you make your personal appearance there in your + fine surplice and stole, not forgetting your holy water, as if you were to + wed them. Be you there also, Trudon, said he to his drummer, with your + pipe and tabor. The form of matrimony must be read, and the bride kissed; + then all of you, as the witnesses used to do in this country, shall give + one another the remembrance of the wedding, which you know is to be a blow + with your fist, bidding the party struck remember the nuptials by that + token. This will but make you have the better stomach to your supper; but + when you come to the catchpole’s turn, thrash him thrice and + threefold, as you would a sheaf of green corn; do not spare him; maul him, + drub him, lambast him, swinge him off, I pray you. Here, take these steel + gauntlets, covered with kid. Head, back, belly, and sides, give him blows + innumerable; he that gives him most shall be my best friend. Fear not to + be called to an account about it; I will stand by you; for the blows must + seem to be given in jest, as it is customary among us at all weddings. + </p> + <p> + Ay, but how shall we know the catchpole? said the man of God. All sorts of + people daily resort to this castle. I have taken care of that, replied the + lord. When some fellow, either on foot, or on a scurvy jade, with a large + broad silver ring on his thumb, comes to the door, he is certainly a + catchpole; the porter having civilly let him in, shall ring the bell; then + be all ready, and come into the hall, to act the tragi-comedy whose plot I + have now laid for you. + </p> + <p> + That numerical day, as chance would have it, came an old fat ruddy + catchpole. Having knocked at the gate, and then pissed, as most men will + do, the porter soon found him out, by his large greasy spatterdashes, his + jaded hollow-flanked mare, his bagful of writs and informations dangling + at his girdle, but, above all, by the large silver hoop on his left thumb. + </p> + <p> + The porter was civil to him, admitted him in kindly, and rung the bell + briskly. As soon as the baker and his wife heard it, they clapped on their + best clothes, and made their personal appearance in the hall, keeping + their gravities like a new-made judge. The dominie put on his surplice and + stole, and as he came out of his office, met the catchpole, had him in + there, and made him suck his face a good while, while the gauntlets were + drawing on all hands; and then told him, You are come just in + pudding-time; my lord is in his right cue. We shall feast like kings anon; + here is to be swingeing doings; we have a wedding in the house; here, + drink and cheer up; pull away. + </p> + <p> + While these two were at it hand-to-fist, Basche, seeing all his people in + the hall in their proper equipage, sends for the vicar. Oudart comes with + the holy-water pot, followed by the catchpole, who, as he came into the + hall, did not forget to make good store of awkward cringes, and then + served Basche with a writ. Basche gave him grimace for grimace, slipped an + angel into his mutton-fist, and prayed him to assist at the contract and + ceremony; which he did. When it was ended, thumps and fisticuffs began to + fly about among the assistants; but when it came to the catchpole’s + turn, they all laid on him so unmercifully with their gauntlets that they + at last settled him, all stunned and battered, bruised and mortified, with + one of his eyes black and blue, eight ribs bruised, his brisket sunk in, + his omoplates in four quarters, his under jawbone in three pieces; and all + this in jest, and no harm done. God wot how the levite belaboured him, + hiding within the long sleeve of his canonical shirt his huge steel + gauntlet lined with ermine; for he was a strong-built ball, and an old dog + at fisticuffs. The catchpole, all of a bloody tiger-like stripe, with much + ado crawled home to L’Isle Bouchart, well pleased and edified, + however, with Basche’s kind reception; and, with the help of the + good surgeons of the place, lived as long as you would have him. From that + time to this, not a word of the business; the memory of it was lost with + the sound of the bells that rung with joy at his funeral. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0013" id="link42HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XIII.—How, like Master Francis Villon, the Lord of Basche + commended his servants. + </h2> + <p> + The catchpole being packed off on blind Sorrel—so he called his + one-eyed mare—Basche sent for his lady, her women, and all his + servants, into the arbour of his garden; had wine brought, attended with + good store of pasties, hams, fruit, and other table-ammunition, for a + nunchion; drank with them joyfully, and then told them this story: + </p> + <p> + Master Francis Villon in his old age retired to St. Maxent in Poitou, + under the patronage of a good honest abbot of the place. There to make + sport for the mob, he undertook to get the Passion acted, after the way, + and in the dialect of the country. The parts being distributed, the play + having been rehearsed, and the stage prepared, he told the mayor and + aldermen that the mystery might be ready after Niort fair, and that there + only wanted properties and necessaries, but chiefly clothes fit for the + parts; so the mayor and his brethren took care to get them. + </p> + <p> + Villon, to dress an old clownish father greybeard, who was to represent + God the father, begged of Friar Stephen Tickletoby, sacristan to the + Franciscan friars of the place, to lend him a cope and a stole. Tickletoby + refused him, alleging that by their provincial statutes it was rigorously + forbidden to give or lend anything to players. Villon replied that the + statute reached no farther than farces, drolls, antics, loose and + dissolute games, and that he asked no more than what he had seen allowed + at Brussels and other places. Tickletoby notwithstanding peremptorily bid + him provide himself elsewhere if he would, and not to hope for anything + out of his monastical wardrobe. Villon gave an account of this to the + players, as of a most abominable action; adding, that God would shortly + revenge himself, and make an example of Tickletoby. + </p> + <p> + The Saturday following he had notice given him that Tickletoby, upon the + filly of the convent—so they call a young mare that was never leaped + yet —was gone a-mumping to St. Ligarius, and would be back about two + in the afternoon. Knowing this, he made a cavalcade of his devils of the + Passion through the town. They were all rigged with wolves’, calves’, + and rams’ skins, laced and trimmed with sheep’s heads, bull’s + feathers, and large kitchen tenterhooks, girt with broad leathern girdles, + whereat hanged dangling huge cow-bells and horse-bells, which made a + horrid din. Some held in their claws black sticks full of squibs and + crackers; others had long lighted pieces of wood, upon which, at the + corner of every street, they flung whole handfuls of rosin-dust, that made + a terrible fire and smoke. Having thus led them about, to the great + diversion of the mob and the dreadful fear of little children, he finally + carried them to an entertainment at a summer-house without the gate that + leads to St. Ligarius. + </p> + <p> + As they came near to the place, he espied Tickletoby afar off, coming home + from mumping, and told them in macaronic verse: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Hic est de patria, natus, de gente belistra, +Qui solet antiqua bribas portare bisacco. (Motteux reads: + +'Hic est mumpator natus de gente Cucowli, +Qui solet antiquo Scrappas portare bisacco.’) +</pre> + <p> + A plague on his friarship, said the devils then; the lousy beggar would + not lend a poor cope to the fatherly father; let us fright him. Well said, + cried Villon; but let us hide ourselves till he comes by, and then charge + him home briskly with your squibs and burning sticks. Tickletoby being + come to the place, they all rushed on a sudden into the road to meet him, + and in a frightful manner threw fire from all sides upon him and his filly + foal, ringing and tingling their bells, and howling like so many real + devils, Hho, hho, hho, hho, brrou, rrou, rrourrs, rrrourrs, hoo, hou, hou + hho, hho, hhoi. Friar Stephen, don’t we play the devils rarely? The + filly was soon scared out of her seven senses, and began to start, to funk + it, to squirt it, to trot it, to fart it, to bound it, to gallop it, to + kick it, to spurn it, to calcitrate it, to wince it, to frisk it, to leap + it, to curvet it, with double jerks, and bum-motions; insomuch that she + threw down Tickletoby, though he held fast by the tree of the pack-saddle + with might and main. Now his straps and stirrups were of cord; and on the + right side his sandals were so entangled and twisted that he could not for + the heart’s blood of him get out his foot. Thus he was dragged about + by the filly through the road, scratching his bare breech all the way; she + still multiplying her kicks against him, and straying for fear over hedge + and ditch, insomuch that she trepanned his thick skull so that his cockle + brains were dashed out near the Osanna or high-cross. Then his arms fell + to pieces, one this way and the other that way; and even so were his legs + served at the same time. Then she made a bloody havoc with his puddings; + and being got to the convent, brought back only his right foot and twisted + sandal, leaving them to guess what was become of the rest. + </p> + <p> + Villon, seeing that things had succeeded as he intended, said to his + devils, You will act rarely, gentlemen devils, you will act rarely; I dare + engage you’ll top your parts. I defy the devils of Saumur, Douay, + Montmorillon, Langez, St. Espain, Angers; nay, by gad, even those of + Poictiers, for all their bragging and vapouring, to match you. + </p> + <p> + Thus, friends, said Basche, I foresee that hereafter you will act rarely + this tragical farce, since the very first time you have so skilfully + hampered, bethwacked, belammed, and bebumped the catchpole. From this day + I double your wages. As for you, my dear, said he to his lady, make your + gratifications as you please; you are my treasurer, you know. For my part, + first and foremost, I drink to you all. Come on, box it about; it is good + and cool. In the second place, you, Mr. Steward, take this silver basin; I + give it you freely. Then you, my gentlemen of the horse, take these two + silver-gilt cups, and let not the pages be horsewhipped these three + months. My dear, let them have my best white plumes of feathers, with the + gold buckles to them. Sir Oudart, this silver flagon falls to your share; + this other I give to the cooks. To the valets de chambre I give this + silver basket; to the grooms, this silver-gilt boat; to the porter, these + two plates; to the hostlers, these ten porringers. Trudon, take you these + silver spoons and this sugar-box. You, footman, take this large salt. + Serve me well, and I will remember you. For, on the word of a gentleman, I + had rather bear in war one hundred blows on my helmet in the service of my + country than be once cited by these knavish catchpoles merely to humour + this same gorbellied prior. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0014" id="link42HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XIV.—A further account of catchpoles who were drubbed at + Basche’s house. + </h2> + <p> + Four days after another young, long-shanked, raw-boned catchpole coming to + serve Basche with a writ at the fat prior’s request, was no sooner + at the gate but the porter smelt him out and rung the bell; at whose + second pull all the family understood the mystery. Loire was kneading his + dough; his wife was sifting meal; Oudart was toping in his office; the + gentlemen were playing at tennis; the Lord Basche at in-and-out with my + lady; the waiting-men and gentle-women at push-pin; the officers at + lanterloo, and the pages at hot-cockles, giving one another smart bangs. + They were all immediately informed that a catchpole was housed. + </p> + <p> + Upon this Oudart put on his sacerdotal, and Loire and his wife their + nuptial badges; Trudon piped it, and then tabored it like mad; all made + haste to get ready, not forgetting the gauntlets. Basche went into the + outward yard; there the catchpole meeting him fell on his marrow-bones, + begged of him not to take it ill if he served him with a writ at the suit + of the fat prior; and in a pathetic speech let him know that he was a + public person, a servant to the monking tribe, apparitor to the abbatial + mitre, ready to do as much for him, nay, for the least of his servants, + whensoever he would employ and use him. + </p> + <p> + Nay, truly, said the lord, you shall not serve your writ till you have + tasted some of my good Quinquenays wine, and been a witness to a wedding + which we are to have this very minute. Let him drink and refresh himself, + added he, turning towards the levitical butler, and then bring him into + the hall. After which, Catchpole, well stuffed and moistened, came with + Oudart to the place where all the actors in the farce stood ready to + begin. The sight of their game set them a-laughing, and the messenger of + mischief grinned also for company’s sake. Then the mysterious words + were muttered to and by the couple, their hands joined, the bride bussed, + and all besprinkled with holy water. While they were bringing wine and + kickshaws, thumps began to trot about by dozens. The catchpole gave the + levite several blows. Oudart, who had his gauntlet hid under his canonical + shirt, draws it on like a mitten, and then, with his clenched fist, souse + he fell on the catchpole and mauled him like a devil; the junior gauntlets + dropped on him likewise like so many battering rams. Remember the wedding + by this, by that, by these blows, said they. In short, they stroked him so + to the purpose that he pissed blood out at mouth, nose, ears, and eyes, + and was bruised, thwacked, battered, bebumped, and crippled at the back, + neck, breast, arms, and so forth. Never did the bachelors at Avignon in + carnival time play more melodiously at raphe than was then played on the + catchpole’s microcosm. At last down he fell. + </p> + <p> + They threw a great deal of wine on his snout, tied round the sleeve of his + doublet a fine yellow and green favour, and got him upon his snotty beast, + and God knows how he got to L’Isle Bouchart; where I cannot truly + tell you whether he was dressed and looked after or no, both by his spouse + and the able doctors of the country; for the thing never came to my ears. + </p> + <p> + The next day they had a third part to the same tune, because it did not + appear by the lean catchpole’s bag that he had served his writ. So + the fat prior sent a new catchpole, at the head of a brace of bums for his + garde du corps, to summon my lord. The porter ringing the bell, the whole + family was overjoyed, knowing that it was another rogue. Basche was at + dinner with his lady and the gentlemen; so he sent for the catchpole, made + him sit by him, and the bums by the women, and made them eat till their + bellies cracked with their breeches unbuttoned. The fruit being served, + the catchpole arose from table, and before the bums cited Basche. Basche + kindly asked him for a copy of the warrant, which the other had got ready; + he then takes witness and a copy of the summons. To the catchpole and his + bums he ordered four ducats for civility money. In the meantime all were + withdrawn for the farce. So Trudon gave the alarm with his tabor. Basche + desired the catchpole to stay and see one of his servants married, and + witness the contract of marriage, paying him his fee. The catchpole + slapdash was ready, took out his inkhorn, got paper immediately, and his + bums by him. + </p> + <p> + Then Loire came into the hall at one door, and his wife with the + gentlewomen at another, in nuptial accoutrements. Oudart, in + pontificalibus, takes them both by their hands, asketh them their will, + giveth them the matrimonial blessing, and was very liberal of holy water. + The contract written, signed, and registered, on one side was brought wine + and comfits; on the other, white and orange-tawny-coloured favours were + distributed; on another, gauntlets privately handed about. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0015" id="link42HCH0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XV.—How the ancient custom at nuptials is renewed by the + catchpole. + </h2> + <p> + The catchpole, having made shift to get down a swingeing sneaker of Breton + wine, said to Basche, Pray, sir, what do you mean? You do not give one + another the memento of the wedding. By St. Joseph’s wooden shoe, all + good customs are forgot. We find the form, but the hare is scampered; and + the nest, but the birds are flown. There are no true friends nowadays. You + see how, in several churches, the ancient laudable custom of tippling on + account of the blessed saints O O, at Christmas, is come to nothing. The + world is in its dotage, and doomsday is certainly coming all so fast. Now + come on; the wedding, the wedding, the wedding; remember it by this. This + he said, striking Basche and his lady; then her women and the levite. Then + the tabor beat a point of war, and the gauntlets began to do their duty; + insomuch that the catchpole had his crown cracked in no less than nine + places. One of the bums had his right arm put out of joint, and the other + his upper jaw-bone or mandibule dislocated so that it hid half his chin, + with a denudation of the uvula, and sad loss of the molar, masticatory, + and canine teeth. Then the tabor beat a retreat; the gauntlets were + carefully hid in a trice, and sweetmeats afresh distributed to renew the + mirth of the company. So they all drank to one another, and especially to + the catchpole and his bums. But Oudart cursed and damned the wedding to + the pit of hell, complaining that one of the bums had utterly + disincornifistibulated his nether shoulder-blade. Nevertheless, he scorned + to be thought a flincher, and made shift to tope to him on the square. + </p> + <p> + The jawless bum shrugged up his shoulders, joined his hands, and by signs + begged his pardon; for speak he could not. The sham bridegroom made his + moan, that the crippled bum had struck him such a horrid thump with his + shoulder-of-mutton fist on the nether elbow that he was grown quite + esperruquanchuzelubelouzerireliced down to his very heel, to the no small + loss of mistress bride. + </p> + <p> + But what harm had poor I done? cried Trudon, hiding his left eye with his + kerchief, and showing his tabor cracked on one side; they were not + satisfied with thus poaching, black and bluing, and + morrambouzevezengouzequoquemorgasacbaquevezinemaffreliding my poor eyes, + but they have also broke my harmless drum. Drums indeed are commonly + beaten at weddings, and it is fit they should; but drummers are well + entertained and never beaten. Now let Beelzebub e’en take the drum, + to make his devilship a nightcap. Brother, said the lame catchpole, never + fret thyself; I will make thee a present of a fine, large, old patent, + which I have here in my bag, to patch up thy drum, and for Madame St. Ann’s + sake I pray thee forgive us. By Our Lady of Riviere, the blessed dame, I + meant no more harm than the child unborn. One of the equerries, who, + hopping and halting like a mumping cripple, mimicked the good limping Lord + de la Roche Posay, directed his discourse to the bum with the pouting jaw, + and told him: What, Mr. Manhound, was it not enough thus to have + morcrocastebezasteverestegrigeligoscopapopondrillated us all in our upper + members with your botched mittens, but you must also apply such + morderegripippiatabirofreluchamburelurecaquelurintimpaniments on our + shinbones with the hard tops and extremities of your cobbled shoes. Do you + call this children’s play? By the mass, ‘tis no jest. The bum, + wringing his hands, seemed to beg his pardon, muttering with his tongue, + Mon, mon, mon, vrelon, von, von, like a dumb man. The bride crying + laughed, and laughing cried, because the catchpole was not satisfied with + drubbing her without choice or distinction of members, but had also rudely + roused and toused her, pulled off her topping, and not having the fear of + her husband before his eyes, treacherously + trepignemanpenillorifrizonoufresterfumbled tumbled and squeezed her lower + parts. The devil go with it, said Basche; there was much need indeed that + this same Master King (this was the catchpole’s name) should thus + break my wife’s back; however, I forgive him now; these are little + nuptial caresses. But this I plainly perceive, that he cited me like an + angel, and drubbed me like a devil. He had something in him of Friar + Thumpwell. Come, for all this, I must drink to him, and to you likewise, + his trusty esquires. But, said his lady, why hath he been so very liberal + of his manual kindness to me, without the least provocation? I assure you, + I by no means like it; but this I dare say for him, that he hath the + hardest knuckles that ever I felt on my shoulders. The steward held his + left arm in a scarf, as if it had been rent and torn in twain. I think it + was the devil, said he, that moved me to assist at these nuptials; shame + on ill luck; I must needs be meddling with a pox, and now see what I have + got by the bargain, both my arms are wretchedly engoulevezinemassed and + bruised. Do you call this a wedding? By St. Bridget’s tooth, I had + rather be at that of a Tom T—d-man. This is, o’ my word, even + just such another feast as was that of the Lapithae, described by the + philosopher of Samosata. One of the bums had lost his tongue. The other + two, tho’ they had more need to complain, made their excuse as well + as they could, protesting that they had no ill design in this + dumbfounding; begging that, for goodness sake, they would forgive them; + and so, tho’ they could hardly budge a foot, or wag along, away they + crawled. About a mile from Basche’s seat, the catchpole found + himself somewhat out of sorts. The bums got to L’Isle Bouchart, + publicly saying that since they were born they had never seen an honester + gentleman than the Lord of Basche, or civiller people than his, and that + they had never been at the like wedding (which I verily believe); but that + it was their own faults if they had been tickled off, and tossed about + from post to pillar, since themselves had began the beating. So they lived + I cannot exactly tell you how many days after this. But from that time to + this it was held for a certain truth that Basche’s money was more + pestilential, mortal, and pernicious to the catchpoles and bums than were + formerly the aurum Tholosanum and the Sejan horse to those that possessed + them. Ever since this he lived quietly, and Basche’s wedding grew + into a common proverb. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0016" id="link42HCH0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XVI.—How Friar John made trial of the nature of the + catchpoles. + </h2> + <p> + This story would seem pleasant enough, said Pantagruel, were we not to + have always the fear of God before our eyes. It had been better, said + Epistemon, if those gauntlets had fallen upon the fat prior. Since he took + a pleasure in spending his money partly to vex Basche, partly to see those + catchpoles banged, good lusty thumps would have done well on his shaved + crown, considering the horrid concussions nowadays among those puny + judges. What harm had done those poor devils the catchpoles? This puts me + in mind, said Pantagruel, of an ancient Roman named L. Neratius. He was of + noble blood, and for some time was rich; but had this tyrannical + inclination, that whenever he went out of doors he caused his servants to + fill their pockets with gold and silver, and meeting in the street your + spruce gallants and better sort of beaux, without the least provocation, + for his fancy, he used to strike them hard on the face with his fist; and + immediately after that, to appease them and hinder them from complaining + to the magistrates, he would give them as much money as satisfied them + according to the law of the twelve tables. Thus he used to spend his + revenue, beating people for the price of his money. By St. Bennet’s + sacred boot, quoth Friar John, I will know the truth of it presently. + </p> + <p> + This said, he went on shore, put his hand in his fob, and took out twenty + ducats; then said with a loud voice, in the hearing of a shoal of the + nation of catchpoles, Who will earn twenty ducats for being beaten like + the devil? Io, Io, Io, said they all; you will cripple us for ever, sir, + that is most certain; but the money is tempting. With this they were all + thronging who should be first to be thus preciously beaten. Friar John + singled him out of the whole knot of these rogues in grain, a red-snouted + catchpole, who upon his right thumb wore a thick broad silver hoop, + wherein was set a good large toadstone. He had no sooner picked him out + from the rest, but I perceived that they all muttered and grumbled; and I + heard a young thin-jawed catchpole, a notable scholar, a pretty fellow at + his pen, and, according to public report, much cried up for his honesty at + Doctors’ Commons, making his complaint and muttering because this + same crimson phiz carried away all the practice, and that if there were + but a score and a half of bastinadoes to be got, he would certainly run + away with eight and twenty of them. But all this was looked upon to be + nothing but mere envy. + </p> + <p> + Friar John so unmercifully thrashed, thumped, and belaboured Red-snout, + back and belly, sides, legs, and arms, head, feet, and so forth, with the + home and frequently repeated application of one of the best members of a + faggot, that I took him to be a dead man; then he gave him the twenty + ducats, which made the dog get on his legs, pleased like a little king or + two. The rest were saying to Friar John, Sir, sir, brother devil, if it + please you to do us the favour to beat some of us for less money, we are + all at your devilship’s command, bags, papers, pens, and all. + Red-snout cried out against them, saying, with a loud voice, Body of me, + you little prigs, will you offer to take the bread out of my mouth? will + you take my bargain over my head? would you draw and inveigle from me my + clients and customers? Take notice, I summon you before the official this + day sevennight; I will law and claw you like any old devil of Vauverd, + that I will—Then turning himself towards Friar John, with a smiling + and joyful look, he said to him, Reverend father in the devil, if you have + found me a good hide, and have a mind to divert yourself once more by + beating your humble servant, I will bate you half in half this time rather + than lose your custom; do not spare me, I beseech you; I am all, and more + than all, yours, good Mr. Devil; head, lungs, tripes, guts, and garbage; + and that at a pennyworth, I’ll assure you. Friar John never heeded + his proffers, but even left them. The other catchpoles were making + addresses to Panurge, Epistemon, Gymnast, and others, entreating them + charitably to bestow upon their carcasses a small beating, for otherwise + they were in danger of keeping a long fast; but none of them had a stomach + to it. Some time after, seeking fresh water for the ship’s company, + we met a couple of old female catchpoles of the place, miserably howling + and weeping in concert. Pantagruel had kept on board, and already had + caused a retreat to be sounded. Thinking that they might be related to the + catchpole that was bastinadoed, we asked them the occasion of their grief. + They replied that they had too much cause to weep; for that very hour, + from an exalted triple tree, two of the honestest gentlemen in + Catchpole-land had been made to cut a caper on nothing. Cut a caper on + nothing, said Gymnast; my pages use to cut capers on the ground; to cut a + caper on nothing should be hanging and choking, or I am out. Ay, ay, said + Friar John; you speak of it like St. John de la Palisse. + </p> + <p> + We asked them why they treated these worthy persons with such a choking + hempen salad. They told us they had only borrowed, alias stolen, the tools + of the mass and hid them under the handle of the parish. This is a very + allegorical way of speaking, said Epistemon. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0017" id="link42HCH0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XVII.—How Pantagruel came to the islands of Tohu and Bohu; + and of the strange death of Wide-nostrils, the swallower of windmills. + </h2> + <p> + That day Pantagruel came to the two islands of Tohu and Bohu, where the + devil a bit we could find anything to fry with. For one Wide-nostrils, a + huge giant, had swallowed every individual pan, skillet, kettle, + frying-pan, dripping-pan, and brass and iron pot in the land, for want of + windmills, which were his daily food. Whence it happened that somewhat + before day, about the hour of his digestion, the greedy churl was taken + very ill with a kind of a surfeit, or crudity of stomach, occasioned, as + the physicians said, by the weakness of the concocting faculty of his + stomach, naturally disposed to digest whole windmills at a gust, yet + unable to consume perfectly the pans and skillets; though it had indeed + pretty well digested the kettles and pots, as they said they knew by the + hypostases and eneoremes of four tubs of second-hand drink which he had + evacuated at two different times that morning. They made use of divers + remedies, according to art, to give him ease; but all would not do; the + distemper prevailed over the remedies; insomuch that the famous + Wide-nostrils died that morning of so strange a death that I think you + ought no longer to wonder at that of the poet Aeschylus. It had been + foretold him by the soothsayers that he would die on a certain day by the + ruin of something that should fall on him. The fatal day being come in its + turn, he removed himself out of town, far from all houses, trees, (rocks,) + or any other things that can fall and endanger by their ruin; and strayed + in a large field, trusting himself to the open sky; there very secure, as + he thought, unless indeed the sky should happen to fall, which he held to + be impossible. Yet they say that the larks are much afraid of it; for if + it should fall, they must all be taken. + </p> + <p> + The Celts that once lived near the Rhine—they are our noble valiant + French—in ancient times were also afraid of the sky’s falling; + for being asked by Alexander the Great what they feared most in this + world, hoping well they would say that they feared none but him, + considering his great achievements, they made answer that they feared + nothing but the sky’s falling; however, not refusing to enter into a + confederacy with so brave a king, if you believe Strabo, lib. 7, and + Arrian, lib. I. + </p> + <p> + Plutarch also, in his book of the face that appears on the body of the + moon, speaks of one Phenaces, who very much feared the moon should fall on + the earth, and pitied those that live under that planet, as the + Aethiopians and Taprobanians, if so heavy a mass ever happened to fall on + them, and would have feared the like of heaven and earth had they not been + duly propped up and borne by the Atlantic pillars, as the ancients + believed, according to Aristotle’s testimony, lib. 5, Metaphys. + Notwithstanding all this, poor Aeschylus was killed by the fall of the + shell of a tortoise, which falling from betwixt the claws of an eagle high + in the air, just on his head, dashed out his brains. + </p> + <p> + Neither ought you to wonder at the death of another poet, I mean old jolly + Anacreon, who was choked with a grape-stone. Nor at that of Fabius the + Roman praetor, who was choked with a single goat’s hair as he was + supping up a porringer of milk. Nor at the death of that bashful fool, who + by holding in his wind, and for want of letting out a bum-gunshot, died + suddenly in the presence of the Emperor Claudius. Nor at that of the + Italian buried on the Via Flaminia at Rome, who in his epitaph complains + that the bite of a she-puss on his little finger was the cause of his + death. Nor of that of Q. Lecanius Bassus, who died suddenly of so small a + prick with a needle on his left thumb that it could hardly be discerned. + Nor of Quenelault, a Norman physician, who died suddenly at Montpellier, + merely for having sideways took a worm out of his hand with a penknife. + Nor of Philomenes, whose servant having got him some new figs for the + first course of his dinner, whilst he went to fetch wine, a straggling + well-hung ass got into the house, and seeing the figs on the table, + without further invitation soberly fell to. Philomenes coming into the + room and nicely observing with what gravity the ass ate its dinner, said + to the man, who was come back, Since thou hast set figs here for this + reverend guest of ours to eat, methinks it is but reason thou also give + him some of this wine to drink. He had no sooner said this, but he was so + excessively pleased, and fell into so exorbitant a fit of laughter, that + the use of his spleen took that of his breath utterly away, and he + immediately died. Nor of Spurius Saufeius, who died supping up a + soft-boiled egg as he came out of a bath. Nor of him who, as Boccaccio + tells us, died suddenly by picking his grinders with a sage-stalk. Nor of + Phillipot Placut, who being brisk and hale, fell dead as he was paying an + old debt; which causes, perhaps, many not to pay theirs, for fear of the + like accident. Nor of the painter Zeuxis, who killed himself with laughing + at the sight of the antique jobbernowl of an old hag drawn by him. Nor, in + short, of a thousand more of which authors write, as Varrius, Pliny, + Valerius, J. Baptista Fulgosus, and Bacabery the elder. In short, Gaffer + Wide-nostrils choked himself with eating a huge lump of fresh butter at + the mouth of a hot oven by the advice of physicians. + </p> + <p> + They likewise told us there that the King of Cullan in Bohu had routed the + grandees of King Mecloth, and made sad work with the fortresses of Belima. + </p> + <p> + After this, we sailed by the islands of Nargues and Zargues; also by the + islands of Teleniabin and Geleniabin, very fine and fruitful in + ingredients for clysters; and then by the islands of Enig and Evig, on + whose account formerly the Landgrave of Hesse was swinged off with a + vengeance. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0018" id="link42HCH0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XVIII.—How Pantagruel met with a great storm at sea. + </h2> + <p> + The next day we espied nine sail that came spooning before the wind; they + were full of Dominicans, Jesuits, Capuchins, Hermits, Austins, Bernardins, + Egnatins, Celestins, Theatins, Amadeans, Cordeliers, Carmelites, Minims, + and the devil and all of other holy monks and friars, who were going to + the Council of Chesil, to sift and garble some new articles of faith + against the new heretics. Panurge was overjoyed to see them, being most + certain of good luck for that day and a long train of others. So having + courteously saluted the blessed fathers, and recommended the salvation of + his precious soul to their devout prayers and private ejaculations, he + caused seventy-eight dozen of Westphalia hams, units of pots of caviare, + tens of Bolonia sausages, hundreds of botargoes, and thousands of fine + angels, for the souls of the dead, to be thrown on board their ships. + Pantagruel seemed metagrabolized, dozing, out of sorts, and as melancholic + as a cat. Friar John, who soon perceived it, was inquiring of him whence + should come this unusual sadness; when the master, whose watch it was, + observing the fluttering of the ancient above the poop, and seeing that it + began to overcast, judged that we should have wind; therefore he bid the + boatswain call all hands upon deck, officers, sailors, foremast-men, + swabbers, and cabin-boys, and even the passengers; made them first settle + their topsails, take in their spritsail; then he cried, In with your + topsails, lower the foresail, tallow under parrels, braid up close all + them sails, strike your topmasts to the cap, make all sure with your + sheeps-feet, lash your guns fast. All this was nimbly done. Immediately it + blowed a storm; the sea began to roar and swell mountain-high; the rut of + the sea was great, the waves breaking upon our ship’s quarter; the + north-west wind blustered and overblowed; boisterous gusts, dreadful + clashing, and deadly scuds of wind whistled through our yards and made our + shrouds rattle again. The thunder grumbled so horridly that you would have + thought heaven had been tumbling about our ears; at the same time it + lightened, rained, hailed; the sky lost its transparent hue, grew dusky, + thick, and gloomy, so that we had no other light than that of the flashes + of lightning and rending of the clouds. The hurricanes, flaws, and sudden + whirlwinds began to make a flame about us by the lightnings, fiery + vapours, and other aerial ejaculations. Oh, how our looks were full of + amazement and trouble, while the saucy winds did rudely lift up above us + the mountainous waves of the main! Believe me, it seemed to us a lively + image of the chaos, where fire, air, sea, land, and all the elements were + in a refractory confusion. Poor Panurge having with the full contents of + the inside of his doublet plentifully fed the fish, greedy enough of such + odious fare, sat on the deck all in a heap, with his nose and arse + together, most sadly cast down, moping and half dead; invoked and called + to his assistance all the blessed he- and she-saints he could muster up; + swore and vowed to confess in time and place convenient, and then bawled + out frightfully, Steward, maitre d’hotel, see ho! my friend, my + father, my uncle, prithee let us have a piece of powdered beef or pork; we + shall drink but too much anon, for aught I see. Eat little and drink the + more will hereafter be my motto, I fear. Would to our dear Lord, and to + our blessed, worthy, and sacred Lady, I were now, I say, this very minute + of an hour, well on shore, on terra firma, hale and easy. O twice and + thrice happy those that plant cabbages! O destinies, why did you not spin + me for a cabbage-planter? O how few are there to whom Jupiter hath been so + favourable as to predestinate them to plant cabbages! They have always one + foot on the ground, and the other not far from it. Dispute who will of + felicity and summum bonum, for my part whosoever plants cabbages is now, + by my decree, proclaimed most happy; for as good a reason as the + philosopher Pyrrho, being in the same danger, and seeing a hog near the + shore eating some scattered oats, declared it happy in two respects; + first, because it had plenty of oats, and besides that, was on shore. Ha, + for a divine and princely habitation, commend me to the cows’ floor. + </p> + <p> + Murder! This wave will sweep us away, blessed Saviour! O my friends! a + little vinegar. I sweat again with mere agony. Alas! the mizen-sail’s + split, the gallery’s washed away, the masts are sprung, the + maintop-masthead dives into the sea; the keel is up to the sun; our + shrouds are almost all broke, and blown away. Alas! alas! where is our + main course? Al is verlooren, by Godt! our topmast is run adrift. Alas! + who shall have this wreck? Friend, lend me here behind you one of these + whales. Your lantern is fallen, my lads. Alas! do not let go the main-tack + nor the bowline. I hear the block crack; is it broke? For the Lord’s + sake, let us have the hull, and let all the rigging be damned. Be, be, be, + bous, bous, bous. Look to the needle of your compass, I beseech you, good + Sir Astrophil, and tell us, if you can, whence comes this storm. My heart’s + sunk down below my midriff. By my troth, I am in a sad fright, bou, bou, + bou, bous, bous, I am lost for ever. I conskite myself for mere madness + and fear. Bou, bou, bou, bou, Otto to to to to ti. Bou, bou, bou, ou, ou, + ou, bou, bou, bous. I sink, I’m drowned, I’m gone, good + people, I’m drowned. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0019" id="link42HCH0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XIX.—What countenances Panurge and Friar John kept during + the storm. + </h2> + <p> + Pantagruel, having first implored the help of the great and Almighty + Deliverer, and prayed publicly with fervent devotion, by the pilot’s + advice held tightly the mast of the ship. Friar John had stripped himself + to his waistcoat, to help the seamen. Epistemon, Ponocrates, and the rest + did as much. Panurge alone sat on his breech upon deck, weeping and + howling. Friar John espied him going on the quarter-deck, and said to him, + Odzoons! Panurge the calf, Panurge the whiner, Panurge the brayer, would + it not become thee much better to lend us here a helping hand than to lie + lowing like a cow, as thou dost, sitting on thy stones like a + bald-breeched baboon? Be, be, be, bous, bous, bous, returned Panurge; + Friar John, my friend, my good father, I am drowning, my dear friend! I + drown! I am a dead man, my dear father in God; I am a dead man, my friend; + your cutting hanger cannot save me from this; alas! alas! we are above + ela. Above the pitch, out of tune, and off the hinges. Be, be, be, bou, + bous. Alas! we are now above g sol re ut. I sink, I sink, ha, my father, + my uncle, my all. The water is got into my shoes by the collar; bous, + bous, bous, paish, hu, hu, hu, he, he, he, ha, ha, I drown. Alas! alas! + Hu, hu, hu, hu, hu, hu, hu, be, be, bous, bous, bobous, bobous, ho, ho, + ho, ho, ho, alas! alas! Now I am like your tumblers, my feet stand higher + than my head. Would to heaven I were now with those good holy fathers + bound for the council whom we met this morning, so godly, so fat, so + merry, so plump and comely. Holos, bolos, holas, holas, alas! This + devilish wave (mea culpa Deus), I mean this wave of God, will sink our + vessel. Alas! Friar John, my father, my friend, confession. Here I am down + on my knees; confiteor; your holy blessing. Come hither and be damned, + thou pitiful devil, and help us, said Friar John (who fell a-swearing and + cursing like a tinker), in the name of thirty legions of black devils, + come; will you come? Do not let us swear at this time, said Panurge; holy + father, my friend, do not swear, I beseech you; to-morrow as much as you + please. Holos, holos, alas! our ship leaks. I drown, alas, alas! I will + give eighteen hundred thousand crowns to anyone that will set me on shore, + all berayed and bedaubed as I am now. If ever there was a man in my + country in the like pickle. Confiteor, alas! a word or two of testament or + codicil at least. A thousand devils seize the cuckoldy cow-hearted + mongrel, cried Friar John. Ods-belly, art thou talking here of making thy + will now we are in danger, and it behoveth us to bestir our stumps + lustily, or never? Wilt thou come, ho devil? Midshipman, my friend; O the + rare lieutenant; here Gymnast, here on the poop. We are, by the mass, all + beshit now; our light is out. This is hastening to the devil as fast as it + can. Alas, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, alas, alas, alas, alas! said Panurge; + was it here we were born to perish? Oh! ho! good people, I drown, I die. + Consummatum est. I am sped—Magna, gna, gna, said Friar John. Fie + upon him, how ugly the shitten howler looks. Boy, younker, see hoyh. Mind + the pumps or the devil choke thee. Hast thou hurt thyself? Zoons, here + fasten it to one of these blocks. On this side, in the devil’s name, + hay—so, my boy. Ah, Friar John, said Panurge, good ghostly father, + dear friend, don’t let us swear, you sin. Oh, ho, oh, ho, be be be + bous, bous, bhous, I sink, I die, my friends. I die in charity with all + the world. Farewell, in manus. Bohus bohous, bhousowauswaus. St. Michael + of Aure! St. Nicholas! now, now or never, I here make you a solemn vow, + and to our Saviour, that if you stand by me this time, I mean if you set + me ashore out of this danger, I will build you a fine large little chapel + or two, between Quande and Montsoreau, where neither cow nor calf shall + feed. Oh ho, oh ho. Above eighteen pailfuls or two of it are got down my + gullet; bous, bhous, bhous, bhous, how damned bitter and salt it is! By + the virtue, said Friar John, of the blood, the flesh, the belly, the head, + if I hear thee again howling, thou cuckoldy cur, I’ll maul thee + worse than any sea-wolf. Ods-fish, why don’t we take him up by the + lugs and throw him overboard to the bottom of the sea? Hear, sailor; ho, + honest fellow. Thus, thus, my friend, hold fast above. In truth, here is a + sad lightning and thundering; I think that all the devils are got loose; + it is holiday with them; or else Madame Proserpine is in child’s + labour: all the devils dance a morrice. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0020" id="link42HCH0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XX.—How the pilots were forsaking their ships in the + greatest stress of weather. + </h2> + <p> + Oh, said Panurge, you sin, Friar John, my former crony! former, I say, for + at this time I am no more, you are no more. It goes against my heart to + tell it you; for I believe this swearing doth your spleen a great deal of + good; as it is a great ease to a wood-cleaver to cry hem at every blow, + and as one who plays at ninepins is wonderfully helped if, when he hath + not thrown his bowl right, and is like to make a bad cast, some ingenious + stander-by leans and screws his body halfway about on that side which the + bowl should have took to hit the pins. Nevertheless, you offend, my sweet + friend. But what do you think of eating some kind of cabirotadoes? Wouldn’t + this secure us from this storm? I have read that the ministers of the gods + Cabiri, so much celebrated by Orpheus, Apollonius, Pherecydes, Strabo, + Pausanias, and Herodotus were always secure in time of storm. He dotes, he + raves, the poor devil! A thousand, a million, nay, a hundred million of + devils seize the hornified doddipole. Lend’s a hand here, hoh, + tiger, wouldst thou? Here, on the starboard side. Ods-me, thou buffalo’s + head stuffed with relics, what ape’s paternoster art thou muttering + and chattering here between thy teeth? That devil of a sea-calf is the + cause of all this storm, and is the only man who doth not lend a helping + hand. By G—, if I come near thee, I’ll fetch thee out by the + head and ears with a vengeance, and chastise thee like any tempestative + devil. Here, mate, my lad, hold fast, till I have made a double knot. O + brave boy! Would to heaven thou wert abbot of Talemouze, and that he that + is were guardian of Croullay. Hold, brother Ponocrates, you will hurt + yourself, man. Epistemon, prithee stand off out of the hatchway. Methinks + I saw the thunder fall there but just now. Con the ship, so ho—Mind + your steerage. Well said, thus, thus, steady, keep her thus, get the + longboat clear —steady. Ods-fish, the beak-head is staved to pieces. + Grumble, devils, fart, belch, shite, a t—d o’ the wave. If + this be weather, the devil’s a ram. Nay, by G—, a little more + would have washed me clear away into the current. I think all the legions + of devils hold here their provincial chapter, or are polling, canvassing, + and wrangling for the election of a new rector. Starboard; well said. Take + heed; have a care of your noddle, lad, in the devil’s name. So ho, + starboard, starboard. Be, be, be, bous, bous, bous, cried Panurge; bous, + bous, be, be, be, bous, bous, I am lost. I see neither heaven nor earth; + of the four elements we have here only fire and water left. Bou, bou, bou, + bous, bous, bous. Would it were the pleasure of the worthy divine bounty + that I were at this present hour in the close at Seuille, or at Innocent’s + the pastry-cook over against the painted wine-vault at Chinon, though I + were to strip to my doublet, and bake the petti-pasties myself. + </p> + <p> + Honest man, could not you throw me ashore? you can do a world of good + things, they say. I give you all Salmigondinois, and my large shore full + of whelks, cockles, and periwinkles, if, by your industry, I ever set foot + on firm ground. Alas, alas! I drown. Harkee, my friends, since we cannot + get safe into port, let us come to an anchor in some road, no matter + whither. Drop all your anchors; let us be out of danger, I beseech you. + Here, honest tar, get you into the chains, and heave the lead, an’t + please you. Let us know how many fathom water we are in. Sound, friend, in + the Lord Harry’s name. Let us know whether a man might here drink + easily without stooping. I am apt to believe one might. Helm a-lee, hoh, + cried the pilot. Helm a-lee; a hand or two at the helm; about ships with + her; helm a-lee, helm a-lee. Stand off from the leech of the sail. Hoh! + belay, here make fast below; hoh, helm a-lee, lash sure the helm a-lee, + and let her drive. Is it come to that? said Pantagruel; our good Saviour + then help us. Let her lie under the sea, cried James Brahier, our chief + mate; let her drive. To prayers, to prayers; let all think on their souls, + and fall to prayers; nor hope to escape but by a miracle. Let us, said + Panurge, make some good pious kind of vow; alas, alas, alas! bou, bou, be, + be, be, bous, bous, bous, oho, oho, oho, oho, let us make a pilgrim; come, + come, let every man club his penny towards it, come on. Here, here, on + this side, said Friar John, in the devil’s name. Let her drive, for + the Lord’s sake unhang the rudder; hoh, let her drive, let her + drive, and let us drink, I say, of the best and most cheering; d’ye + hear, steward? produce, exhibit; for, d’ye see this, and all the + rest will as well go to the devil out of hand. A pox on that wind-broker + Aeolus, with his fluster-blusters. Sirrah, page, bring me here my drawer + (for so he called his breviary); stay a little here; haul, friend, thus. + Odzoons, here is a deal of hail and thunder to no purpose. Hold fast + above, I pray you. When have we All-saints day? I believe it is the unholy + holiday of all the devil’s crew. Alas! said Panurge, Friar John + damns himself here as black as buttermilk for the nonce. Oh, what a good + friend I lose in him. Alas, alas! this is another gats-bout than last year’s. + We are falling out of Scylla into Charybdis. Oho! I drown. Confiteor; one + poor word or two by way of testament, Friar John, my ghostly father; good + Mr. Abstractor, my crony, my Achates, Xenomanes, my all. Alas! I drown; + two words of testament here upon this ladder. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0021" id="link42HCH0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XXI.—A continuation of the storm, with a short discourse + on the subject of making testaments at sea. + </h2> + <p> + To make one’s last will, said Epistemon, at this time that we ought + to bestir ourselves and help our seamen, on the penalty of being drowned, + seems to me as idle and ridiculous a maggot as that of some of Caesar’s + men, who, at their coming into the Gauls, were mightily busied in making + wills and codicils; bemoaned their fortune and the absence of their + spouses and friends at Rome, when it was absolutely necessary for them to + run to their arms and use their utmost strength against Ariovistus their + enemy. + </p> + <p> + This also is to be as silly as that jolt-headed loblolly of a carter, who, + having laid his waggon fast in a slough, down on his marrow-bones was + calling on the strong-backed deity, Hercules, might and main, to help him + at a dead lift, but all the while forgot to goad on his oxen and lay his + shoulder to the wheels, as it behoved him; as if a Lord have mercy upon us + alone would have got his cart out of the mire. + </p> + <p> + What will it signify to make your will now? for either we shall come off + or drown for it. If we ‘scape, it will not signify a straw to us; + for testaments are of no value or authority but by the death of the + testators. If we are drowned, will it not be drowned too? Prithee, who + will transmit it to the executors? Some kind wave will throw it ashore, + like Ulysses, replied Panurge; and some king’s daughter, going to + fetch a walk in the fresco, on the evening will find it, and take care to + have it proved and fulfilled; nay, and have some stately cenotaph erected + to my memory, as Dido had to that of her goodman Sichaeus; Aeneas to + Deiphobus, upon the Trojan shore, near Rhoete; Andromache to Hector, in + the city of Buthrot; Aristotle to Hermias and Eubulus; the Athenians to + the poet Euripides; the Romans to Drusus in Germany, and to Alexander + Severus, their emperor, in the Gauls; Argentier to Callaischre; Xenocrates + to Lysidices; Timares to his son Teleutagoras; Eupolis and Aristodice to + their son Theotimus; Onestus to Timocles; Callimachus to Sopolis, the son + of Dioclides; Catullus to his brother; Statius to his father; Germain of + Brie to Herve, the Breton tarpaulin. Art thou mad, said Friar John, to run + on at this rate? Help, here, in the name of five hundred thousand millions + of cartloads of devils, help! may a shanker gnaw thy moustachios, and the + three rows of pock-royals and cauliflowers cover thy bum and turd-barrel + instead of breeches and codpiece. Codsooks, our ship is almost overset. + Ods-death, how shall we clear her? it is well if she do not founder. What + a devilish sea there runs! She’ll neither try nor hull; the sea will + overtake her, so we shall never ‘scape; the devil ‘scape me. + Then Pantagruel was heard to make a sad exclamation, saying, with a loud + voice, Lord save us, we perish; yet not as we would have it, but thy holy + will be done. The Lord and the blessed Virgin be with us, said Panurge. + Holos, alas, I drown; be be be bous, be bous, bous; in manus. Good + heavens, send me some dolphin to carry me safe on shore, like a pretty + little Arion. I shall make shift to sound the harp, if it be not unstrung. + Let nineteen legions of black devils seize me, said Friar John. (The Lord + be with us! whispered Panurge, between his chattering teeth.) If I come + down to thee, I’ll show thee to some purpose that the badge of thy + humanity dangles at a calf’s breech, thou ragged, horned, cuckoldy + booby—mgna, mgnan, mgnan—come hither and help us, thou great + weeping calf, or may thirty millions of devils leap on thee. Wilt thou + come, sea-calf? Fie; how ugly the howling whelp looks. What, always the + same ditty? Come on now, my bonny drawer. This he said, opening his + breviary. Come forward, thou and I must be somewhat serious for a while; + let me peruse thee stiffly. Beatus vir qui non abiit. Pshaw, I know all + this by heart; let us see the legend of Mons. St. Nicholas. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Horrida tempestas montem turbavit acutum. +</pre> + <p> + Tempest was a mighty flogger of lads at Mountagu College. If pedants be + damned for whipping poor little innocent wretches their scholars, he is, + upon my honour, by this time fixed within Ixion’s wheel, lashing the + crop-eared, bobtailed cur that gives it motion. If they are saved for + having whipped innocent lads, he ought to be above the— + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0022" id="link42HCH0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XXII.—An end of the storm. + </h2> + <p> + Shore, shore! cried Pantagruel. Land to, my friends, I see land! Pluck up + a good spirit, boys, ‘tis within a kenning. So! we are not far from + a port.—I see the sky clearing up to the northwards.—Look to + the south-east! Courage, my hearts, said the pilot; now she’ll bear + the hullock of a sail; the sea is much smoother; some hands aloft to the + maintop. Put the helm a-weather. Steady! steady! Haul your after-mizen + bowlines. Haul, haul, haul! Thus, thus, and no near. Mind your steerage; + bring your main-tack aboard. Clear your sheets; clear your bowlines; port, + port. Helm a-lee. Now to the sheet on the starboard side, thou son of a + whore. Thou art mightily pleased, honest fellow, quoth Friar John, with + hearing make mention of thy mother. Luff, luff, cried the quartermaster + that conned the ship, keep her full, luff the helm. Luff. It is, answered + the steersman. Keep her thus. Get the bonnets fixed. Steady, steady. + </p> + <p> + That is well said, said Friar John now, this is something like a tansy. + Come, come, come, children, be nimble. Good. Luff, luff, thus. Helm + a-weather. That’s well said and thought on. Methinks the storm is + almost over. It was high time, faith; however, the Lord be thanked. Our + devils begin to scamper. Out with all your sails. Hoist your sails. Hoist. + That is spoke like a man, hoist, hoist. Here, a God’s name, honest + Ponocrates; thou art a lusty fornicator; the whoreson will get none but + boys. Eusthenes, thou art a notable fellow. Run up to the fore-topsail. + Thus, thus. Well said, i’ faith; thus, thus. I dare not fear + anything all this while, for it is holiday. Vea, vea, vea! huzza! This + shout of the seaman is not amiss, and pleases me, for it is holiday. Keep + her full thus. Good. Cheer up, my merry mates all, cried out Epistemon; I + see already Castor on the right. Be, be, bous, bous, bous, said Panurge; I + am much afraid it is the bitch Helen. It is truly Mixarchagenas, returned + Epistemon, if thou likest better that denomination, which the Argives give + him. Ho, ho! I see land too; let her bear in with the harbour; I see a + good many people on the beach; I see a light on an obeliscolychny. Shorten + your sails, said the pilot; fetch the sounding line; we must double that + point of land, and mind the sands. We are clear of them, said the sailors. + Soon after, Away she goes, quoth the pilot, and so doth the rest of our + fleet; help came in good season. + </p> + <p> + By St. John, said Panurge, this is spoke somewhat like. O the sweet word! + there is the soul of music in it. Mgna, mgna, mgna, said Friar John; if + ever thou taste a drop of it, let the devil’s dam taste me, thou + ballocky devil. Here, honest soul, here’s a full sneaker of the very + best. Bring the flagons; dost hear, Gymnast: and that same large pasty + jambic, gammonic, as you will have it. Take heed you pilot her in right. + </p> + <p> + Cheer up, cried out Pantagruel; cheer up, my boys; let us be ourselves + again. Do you see yonder, close by our ship, two barks, three sloops, five + ships, eight pinks, four yawls, and six frigates making towards us, sent + by the good people of the neighbouring island to our relief? But who is + this Ucalegon below, that cries and makes such a sad moan? Were it not + that I hold the mast firmly with both my hands, and keep it straighter + than two hundred tacklings—I would—It is, said Friar John, + that poor devil Panurge, who is troubled with a calf’s ague; he + quakes for fear when his belly’s full. If, said Pantagruel, he hath + been afraid during this dreadful hurricane and dangerous storm, provided + (waiving that) he hath done his part like a man, I do not value him a jot + the less for it. For as to fear in all encounters is the mark of a heavy + and cowardly heart, as Agamemnon did, who for that reason is ignominiously + taxed by Achilles with having dog’s eyes and a stag’s heart; + so, not to fear when the case is evidently dreadful is a sign of want or + smallness of judgment. Now, if anything ought to be feared in this life, + next to offending God, I will not say it is death. I will not meddle with + the disputes of Socrates and the academics, that death of itself is + neither bad nor to be feared, but I will affirm that this kind of + shipwreck is to be feared, or nothing is. For, as Homer saith, it is a + grievous, dreadful, and unnatural thing to perish at sea. And indeed + Aeneas, in the storm that took his fleet near Sicily, was grieved that he + had not died by the hand of the brave Diomedes, and said that those were + three, nay four times happy, who perished in the conflagration at Troy. No + man here hath lost his life, the Lord our Saviour be eternally praised for + it! but in truth here is a ship sadly out of order. Well, we must take + care to have the damage repaired. Take heed we do not run aground and + bulge her. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0023" id="link42HCH0023"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XXIII.—How Panurge played the good fellow when the storm + was over. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link4image-0011" id="link4image-0011"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/4-23-452.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Friar John--4-23-452" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + What cheer, ho, fore and aft? quoth Panurge. Oh ho! all is well, the storm + is over. I beseech ye, be so kind as to let me be the first that is sent + on shore; for I would by all means a little untruss a point. Shall I help + you still? Here, let me see, I will coil this rope; I have plenty of + courage, and of fear as little as may be. Give it me yonder, honest tar. + No, no, I have not a bit of fear. Indeed, that same decumane wave that + took us fore and aft somewhat altered my pulse. Down with your sails; well + said. How now, Friar John? you do nothing. Is it time for us to drink now? + Who can tell but St. Martin’s running footman Belzebuth may still be + hatching us some further mischief? Shall I come and help you again? Pork + and peas choke me, if I do heartily repent, though too late, not having + followed the doctrine of the good philosopher who tells us that to walk by + the sea and to navigate by the shore are very safe and pleasant things; + just as ‘tis to go on foot when we hold our horse by the bridle. Ha! + ha! ha! by G—, all goes well. Shall I help you here too? Let me see, + I will do this as it should be, or the devil’s in’t. + </p> + <p> + Epistemon, who had the inside of one of his hands all flayed and bloody, + having held a tackling with might and main, hearing what Pantagruel had + said, told him: You may believe, my lord, I had my share of fear as well + as Panurge; yet I spared no pains in lending my helping hand. I considered + that, since by fatal and unavoidable necessity we must all die, it is the + blessed will of God that we die this or that hour, and this or that kind + of death. Nevertheless, we ought to implore, invoke, pray, beseech, and + supplicate him; but we must not stop there; it behoveth us also to use our + endeavours on our side, and, as the holy writ saith, to co-operate with + him. + </p> + <p> + You know what C. Flaminius, the consul, said when by Hannibal’s + policy he was penned up near the lake of Peruse, alias Thrasymene. + Friends, said he to his soldiers, you must not hope to get out of this + place barely by vows or prayers to the gods; no, ‘tis by fortitude + and strength we must escape and cut ourselves a way with the edge of our + swords through the midst of our enemies. + </p> + <p> + Sallust likewise makes M. Portius Cato say this: The help of the gods is + not obtained by idle vows and womanish complaints; ‘tis by + vigilance, labour, and repeated endeavours that all things succeed + according to our wishes and designs. If a man in time of need and danger + is negligent, heartless, and lazy, in vain he implores the gods; they are + then justly angry and incensed against him. The devil take me, said Friar + John,—I’ll go his halves, quoth Panurge,—if the close of + Seville had not been all gathered, vintaged, gleaned, and destroyed, if I + had only sung contra hostium insidias (matter of breviary) like all the + rest of the monking devils, and had not bestirred myself to save the + vineyard as I did, despatching the truant picaroons of Lerne with the + staff of the cross. + </p> + <p> + Let her sink or swim a God’s name, said Panurge, all’s one to + Friar John; he doth nothing; his name is Friar John Do-little; for all he + sees me here a-sweating and puffing to help with all my might this honest + tar, first of the name.—Hark you me, dear soul, a word with you; but + pray be not angry. How thick do you judge the planks of our ship to be? + Some two good inches and upwards, returned the pilot; don’t fear. + Ods-kilderkins, said Panurge, it seems then we are within two fingers’ + breadth of damnation. + </p> + <p> + Is this one of the nine comforts of matrimony? Ah, dear soul, you do well + to measure the danger by the yard of fear. For my part, I have none on’t; + my name is William Dreadnought. As for heart, I have more than enough on’t. + I mean none of your sheep’s heart; but of wolf’s heart—the + courage of a bravo. By the pavilion of Mars, I fear nothing but danger. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0024" id="link42HCH0024"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XXIV.—How Panurge was said to have been afraid without + reason during the storm. + </h2> + <p> + Good morrow, gentlemen, said Panurge; good morrow to you all; you are in + very good health, thanks to heaven and yourselves; you are all heartily + welcome, and in good time. Let us go on shore.—Here, coxswain, get + the ladder over the gunnel; man the sides; man the pinnace, and get her by + the ship’s side. Shall I lend you a hand here? I am stark mad for + want of business, and would work like any two yokes of oxen. Truly this is + a fine place, and these look like a very good people. Children, do you + want me still in anything? do not spare the sweat of my body, for God’s + sake. Adam—that is, man—was made to labour and work, as the + birds were made to fly. Our Lord’s will is that we get our bread + with the sweat of our brows, not idling and doing nothing, like this + tatterdemalion of a monk here, this Friar Jack, who is fain to drink to + hearten himself up, and dies for fear. —Rare weather.—I now + find the answer of Anacharsis, the noble philosopher, very proper. Being + asked what ship he reckoned the safest, he replied: That which is in the + harbour. He made a yet better repartee, said Pantagruel, when somebody + inquiring which is greater, the number of the living or that of the dead, + he asked them amongst which of the two they reckoned those that are at + sea, ingeniously implying that they are continually in danger of death, + dying alive, and living die. Portius Cato also said that there were but + three things of which he would repent: if ever he had trusted his wife + with his secret, if he had idled away a day, and if he had ever gone by + sea to a place which he could visit by land. By this dignified frock of + mine, said Friar John to Panurge, friend, thou hast been afraid during the + storm without cause or reason; for thou wert not born to be drowned, but + rather to be hanged and exalted in the air, or to be roasted in the midst + of a jolly bonfire. My lord, would you have a good cloak for the rain; + leave me off your wolf and badger-skin mantle; let Panurge but be flayed, + and cover yourself with his hide. But do not come near the fire, nor near + your blacksmith’s forges, a God’s name; for in a moment you + will see it in ashes. Yet be as long as you please in the rain, snow, + hail, nay, by the devil’s maker, throw yourself or dive down to the + very bottom of the water, I’ll engage you’ll not be wet at + all. Have some winter boots made of it, they’ll never take in a drop + of water; make bladders of it to lay under boys to teach them to swim, + instead of corks, and they will learn without the least danger. His skin, + then, said Pantagruel, should be like the herb called true maiden’s + hair, which never takes wet nor moistness, but still keeps dry, though you + lay it at the bottom of the water as long as you please; and for that + reason is called Adiantos. + </p> + <p> + Friend Panurge, said Friar John, I pray thee never be afraid of water; thy + life for mine thou art threatened with a contrary element. Ay, ay, replied + Panurge, but the devil’s cooks dote sometimes, and are apt to make + horrid blunders as well as others; often putting to boil in water what was + designed to be roasted on the fire; like the head-cooks of our kitchen, + who often lard partridges, queests, and stock-doves with intent to roast + them, one would think; but it happens sometimes that they e’en turn + the partridges into the pot to be boiled with cabbages, the queests with + leek pottage, and the stock-doves with turnips. But hark you me, good + friends, I protest before this noble company, that as for the chapel which + I vowed to Mons. St. Nicholas between Quande and Montsoreau, I honestly + mean that it shall be a chapel of rose-water, which shall be where neither + cow nor calf shall be fed; for between you and I, I intend to throw it to + the bottom of the water. Here is a rare rogue for you, said Eusthenes; + here is a pure rogue, a rogue in grain, a rogue enough, a rogue and a + half. He is resolved to make good the Lombardic proverb, Passato el + pericolo, gabbato el santo. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +The devil was sick, the devil a monk would be; +The devil was well, the devil a monk was he. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0025" id="link42HCH0025"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XXV.—How, after the storm, Pantagruel went on shore in the + islands of the Macreons. + </h2> + <p> + Immediately after we went ashore at the port of an island which they + called the island of the Macreons. The good people of the place received + us very honourably. An old Macrobius (so they called their eldest + elderman) desired Pantagruel to come to the town-house to refresh himself + and eat something, but he would not budge a foot from the mole till all + his men were landed. After he had seen them, he gave order that they + should all change clothes, and that some of all the stores in the fleet + should be brought on shore, that every ship’s crew might live well; + which was accordingly done, and God wot how well they all toped and + caroused. The people of the place brought them provisions in abundance. + The Pantagruelists returned them more; as the truth is, theirs were + somewhat damaged by the late storm. When they had well stuffed the insides + of their doublets, Pantagruel desired everyone to lend their help to + repair the damage; which they readily did. It was easy enough to refit + there; for all the inhabitants of the island were carpenters and all such + handicrafts as are seen in the arsenal at Venice. None but the largest + island was inhabited, having three ports and ten parishes; the rest being + overrun with wood and desert, much like the forest of Arden. We entreated + the old Macrobius to show us what was worth seeing in the island; which he + did; and in the desert and dark forest we discovered several old ruined + temples, obelisks, pyramids, monuments, and ancient tombs, with divers + inscriptions and epitaphs; some of them in hieroglyphic characters; others + in the Ionic dialect; some in the Arabic, Agarenian, Slavonian, and other + tongues; of which Epistemon took an exact account. In the interim, Panurge + said to Friar John, Is this the island of the Macreons? Macreon signifies + in Greek an old man, or one much stricken in years. What is that to me? + said Friar John; how can I help it? I was not in the country when they + christened it. Now I think on’t, quoth Panurge, I believe the name + of mackerel (Motteux adds, between brackets,—‘that’s a + Bawd in French.’) was derived from it; for procuring is the province + of the old, as buttock-riggling is that of the young. Therefore I do not + know but this may be the bawdy or Mackerel Island, the original and + prototype of the island of that name at Paris. Let’s go and dredge + for cock-oysters. Old Macrobius asked, in the Ionic tongue, How, and by + what industry and labour, Pantagruel got to their port that day, there + having been such blustering weather and such a dreadful storm at sea. + Pantagruel told him that the Almighty Preserver of mankind had regarded + the simplicity and sincere affection of his servants, who did not travel + for gain or sordid profit, the sole design of their voyage being a + studious desire to know, see, and visit the Oracle of Bacbuc, and take the + word of the Bottle upon some difficulties offered by one of the company; + nevertheless this had not been without great affliction and evident danger + of shipwreck. After that, he asked him what he judged to be the cause of + that terrible tempest, and if the adjacent seas were thus frequently + subject to storms; as in the ocean are the Ratz of Sammaieu, Maumusson, + and in the Mediterranean sea the Gulf of Sataly, Montargentan, Piombino, + Capo Melio in Laconia, the Straits of Gibraltar, Faro di Messina, and + others. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0026" id="link42HCH0026"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XXVI.—How the good Macrobius gave us an account of the + mansion and decease of the heroes. + </h2> + <p> + The good Macrobius then answered, Friendly strangers, this island is one + of the Sporades; not of your Sporades that lie in the Carpathian sea, but + one of the Sporades of the ocean; in former times rich, frequented, + wealthy, populous, full of traffic, and in the dominions of the rulers of + Britain, but now, by course of time, and in these latter ages of the + world, poor and desolate, as you see. In this dark forest, above + seventy-eight thousand Persian leagues in compass, is the dwelling-place + of the demons and heroes that are grown old, and we believe that some one + of them died yesterday; since the comet which we saw for three days before + together, shines no more; and now it is likely that at his death there + arose this horrible storm; for while they are alive all happiness attends + both this and the adjacent islands, and a settled calm and serenity. At + the death of every one of them, we commonly hear in the forest loud and + mournful groans, and the whole land is infested with pestilence, + earthquakes, inundations, and other calamities; the air with fogs and + obscurity, and the sea with storms and hurricanes. What you tell us seems + to me likely enough, said Pantagruel. For as a torch or candle, as long as + it hath life enough and is lighted, shines round about, disperses its + light, delights those that are near it, yields them its service and + clearness, and never causes any pain or displeasure; but as soon as + ‘tis extinguished, its smoke and evaporation infects the air, + offends the bystanders, and is noisome to all; so, as long as those noble + and renowned souls inhabit their bodies, peace, profit, pleasure, and + honour never leave the places where they abide; but as soon as they leave + them, both the continent and adjacent islands are annoyed with great + commotions; in the air fogs, darkness, thunder, hail; tremblings, + pulsations, agitations of the earth; storms and hurricanes at sea; + together with sad complaints amongst the people, broaching of religions, + changes in governments, and ruins of commonwealths. + </p> + <p> + We had a sad instance of this lately, said Epistemon, at the death of that + valiant and learned knight, William du Bellay; during whose life France + enjoyed so much happiness, that all the rest of the world looked upon it + with envy, sought friendship with it, and stood in awe of its power; but + soon after his decease it hath for a considerable time been the scorn of + the rest of the world. + </p> + <p> + Thus, said Pantagruel, Anchises being dead at Drepani in Sicily, Aeneas + was dreadfully tossed and endangered by a storm; and perhaps for the same + reason Herod, that tyrant and cruel King of Judaea, finding himself near + the pangs of a horrid kind of death—for he died of a phthiriasis, + devoured by vermin and lice; as before him died L. Sylla, Pherecydes the + Syrian, the preceptor of Pythagoras, the Greek poet Alcmaeon, and others—and + foreseeing that the Jews would make bonfires at his death, caused all the + nobles and magistrates to be summoned to his seraglio out of all the + cities, towns, and castles of Judaea, fraudulently pretending that he had + some things of moment to impart to them. They made their personal + appearance; whereupon he caused them all to be shut up in the hippodrome + of the seraglio; then said to his sister Salome and Alexander her husband: + I am certain that the Jews will rejoice at my death; but if you will + observe and perform what I tell you, my funeral shall be honourable, and + there will be a general mourning. As soon as you see me dead, let my + guards, to whom I have already given strict commission to that purpose, + kill all the noblemen and magistrates that are secured in the hippodrome. + By these means all Jewry shall, in spite of themselves, be obliged to + mourn and lament, and foreigners will imagine it to be for my death, as if + some heroic soul had left her body. A desperate tyrant wished as much when + he said, When I die, let earth and fire be mixed together; which was as + good as to say, let the whole world perish. Which saying the tyrant Nero + altered, saying, While I live, as Suetonius affirms it. This detestable + saying, of which Cicero, lib. De Finib., and Seneca, lib. 2, De Clementia, + make mention, is ascribed to the Emperor Tiberius by Dion Nicaeus and + Suidas. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0027" id="link42HCH0027"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XXVII.—Pantagruel’s discourse of the decease of + heroic souls; and of the dreadful prodigies that happened before the death + of the late Lord de Langey. + </h2> + <p> + I would not, continued Pantagruel, have missed the storm that hath thus + disordered us, were I also to have missed the relation of these things + told us by this good Macrobius. Neither am I unwilling to believe what he + said of a comet that appears in the sky some days before such a decease. + For some of those souls are so noble, so precious, and so heroic that + heaven gives us notice of their departing some days before it happens. And + as a prudent physician, seeing by some symptoms that his patient draws + towards his end, some days before gives notice of it to his wife, + children, kindred, and friends, that, in that little time he hath yet to + live, they may admonish him to settle all things in his family, to tutor + and instruct his children as much as he can, recommend his relict to his + friends in her widowhood, and declare what he knows to be necessary about + a provision for the orphans; that he may not be surprised by death without + making his will, and may take care of his soul and family; in the same + manner the heavens, as it were joyful for the approaching reception of + those blessed souls, seem to make bonfires by those comets and blazing + meteors, which they at the same time kindly design should prognosticate to + us here that in a few days one of those venerable souls is to leave her + body and this terrestrial globe. Not altogether unlike this was what was + formerly done at Athens by the judges of the Areopagus. For when they gave + their verdict to cast or clear the culprits that were tried before them, + they used certain notes according to the substance of the sentences; by + Theta signifying condemnation to death; by T, absolution; by A, ampliation + or a demur, when the case was not sufficiently examined. Thus having + publicly set up those letters, they eased the relations and friends of the + prisoners, and such others as desired to know their doom, of their doubts. + Likewise by these comets, as in ethereal characters, the heavens silently + say to us, Make haste, mortals, if you would know or learn of the blessed + souls anything concerning the public good or your private interest; for + their catastrophe is near, which being past, you will vainly wish for them + afterwards. + </p> + <p> + The good-natured heavens still do more; and that mankind may be declared + unworthy of the enjoyment of those renowned souls, they fright and + astonish us with prodigies, monsters, and other foreboding signs that + thwart the order of nature. + </p> + <p> + Of this we had an instance several days before the decease of the heroic + soul of the learned and valiant Chevalier de Langey, of whom you have + already spoken. I remember it, said Epistemon; and my heart still trembles + within me when I think on the many dreadful prodigies that we saw five or + six days before he died. For the Lords D’Assier, Chemant, one-eyed + Mailly, St. Ayl, Villeneufue-la-Guyart, Master Gabriel, physician of + Savillan, Rabelais, Cohuau, Massuau, Majorici, Bullou, Cercu, alias + Bourgmaistre, Francis Proust, Ferron, Charles Girard, Francis Bourre, and + many other friends and servants to the deceased, all dismayed, gazed on + each other without uttering one word; yet not without foreseeing that + France would in a short time be deprived of a knight so accomplished and + necessary for its glory and protection, and that heaven claimed him again + as its due. By the tufted tip of my cowl, cried Friar John, I am e’en + resolved to become a scholar before I die. I have a pretty good headpiece + of my own, you must own. Now pray give me leave to ask you a civil + question. Can these same heroes or demigods you talk of die? May I never + be damned if I was not so much a lobcock as to believe they had been + immortal, like so many fine angels. Heaven forgive me! but this most + reverend father, Macroby, tells us they die at last. Not all, returned + Pantagruel. + </p> + <p> + The Stoics held them all to be mortal, except one, who alone is immortal, + impassible, invisible. Pindar plainly saith that there is no more thread, + that is to say, no more life, spun from the distaff and flax of the + hard-hearted Fates for the goddesses Hamadryades than there is for those + trees that are preserved by them, which are good, sturdy, downright oaks; + whence they derived their original, according to the opinion of + Callimachus and Pausanias in Phoci. With whom concurs Martianus Capella. + As for the demigods, fauns, satyrs, sylvans, hobgoblins, aegipanes, + nymphs, heroes, and demons, several men have, from the total sum, which is + the result of the divers ages calculated by Hesiod, reckoned their life to + be 9720 years; that sum consisting of four special numbers orderly arising + from one, the same added together and multiplied by four every way amounts + to forty; these forties, being reduced into triangles by five times, make + up the total of the aforesaid number. See Plutarch, in his book about the + Cessation of Oracles. + </p> + <p> + This, said Friar John, is not matter of breviary; I may believe as little + or as much of it as you and I please. I believe, said Pantagruel, that all + intellectual souls are exempted from Atropos’s scissors. They are + all immortal, whether they be of angels, or demons, or human; yet I will + tell you a story concerning this that is very strange, but is written and + affirmed by several learned historians. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0028" id="link42HCH0028"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XXVIII.—How Pantagruel related a very sad story of the + death of the heroes. + </h2> + <p> + Epitherses, the father of Aemilian the rhetorician, sailing from Greece to + Italy in a ship freighted with divers goods and passengers, at night the + wind failed ‘em near the Echinades, some islands that lie between + the Morea and Tunis, and the vessel was driven near Paxos. When they were + got thither, some of the passengers being asleep, others awake, the rest + eating and drinking, a voice was heard that called aloud, Thamous! which + cry surprised them all. This same Thamous was their pilot, an Egyptian by + birth, but known by name only to some few travellers. The voice was heard + a second time calling Thamous, in a frightful tone; and none making + answer, but trembling and remaining silent, the voice was heard a third + time, more dreadful than before. + </p> + <p> + This caused Thamous to answer: Here am I; what dost thou call me for? What + wilt thou have me do? Then the voice, louder than before, bid him publish + when he should come to Palodes, that the great god Pan was dead. + </p> + <p> + Epitherses related that all the mariners and passengers, having heard + this, were extremely amazed and frighted; and that, consulting among + themselves whether they had best conceal or divulge what the voice had + enjoined, Thamous said his advice was that if they happened to have a fair + wind they should proceed without mentioning a word on’t, but if they + chanced to be becalmed he would publish what he had heard. Now when they + were near Palodes they had no wind, neither were they in any current. + Thamous then getting up on the top of the ship’s forecastle, and + casting his eyes on the shore, said that he had been commanded to proclaim + that the great god Pan was dead. The words were hardly out of his mouth, + when deep groans, great lamentations, and doleful shrieks, not of one + person, but of many together, were heard from the land. + </p> + <p> + The news of this—many being present then—was soon spread at + Rome; insomuch that Tiberius, who was then emperor, sent for this Thamous, + and having heard him gave credit to his words. And inquiring of the + learned in his court and at Rome who was that Pan, he found by their + relation that he was the son of Mercury and Penelope, as Herodotus and + Cicero in his third book of the Nature of the Gods had written before. + </p> + <p> + For my part, I understand it of that great Saviour of the faithful who was + shamefully put to death at Jerusalem by the envy and wickedness of the + doctors, priests, and monks of the Mosaic law. And methinks my + interpretation is not improper; for he may lawfully be said in the Greek + tongue to be Pan, since he is our all. For all that we are, all that we + live, all that we have, all that we hope, is him, by him, from him, and in + him. He is the good Pan, the great shepherd, who, as the loving shepherd + Corydon affirms, hath not only a tender love and affection for his sheep, + but also for their shepherds. At his death, complaints, sighs, fears, and + lamentations were spread through the whole fabric of the universe, whether + heavens, land, sea, or hell. + </p> + <p> + The time also concurs with this interpretation of mine; for this most + good, most mighty Pan, our only Saviour, died near Jerusalem during the + reign of Tiberius Caesar. + </p> + <p> + Pantagruel, having ended this discourse, remained silent and full of + contemplation. A little while after we saw the tears flow out of his eyes + as big as ostrich’s eggs. God take me presently if I tell you one + single syllable of a lie in the matter. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0029" id="link42HCH0029"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XXIX.—How Pantagruel sailed by the Sneaking Island, where + Shrovetide reigned. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link4image-0012" id="link4image-0012"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/4-19-446.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Two Old Women Were Weeping and Wailing--4-19-446" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + The jovial fleet being refitted and repaired, new stores taken in, the + Macreons over and above satisfied and pleased with the money spent there + by Pantagruel, our men in better humour than they used to be, if possible, + we merrily put to sea the next day, near sunset, with a delicious fresh + gale. + </p> + <p> + Xenomanes showed us afar off the Sneaking Island, where reigned + Shrovetide, of whom Pantagruel had heard much talk formerly; for that + reason he would gladly have seen him in person, had not Xenomanes advised + him to the contrary; first, because this would have been much out of our + way, and then for the lean cheer which he told us was to be found at that + prince’s court, and indeed all over the island. + </p> + <p> + You can see nothing there for your money, said he, but a huge greedy-guts, + a tall woundy swallower of hot wardens and mussels; a long-shanked + mole-catcher; an overgrown bottler of hay; a mossy-chinned demi-giant, + with a double shaven crown, of lantern breed; a very great loitering + noddy-peaked youngster, banner-bearer to the fish-eating tribe, dictator + of mustard-land, flogger of little children, calciner of ashes, father and + foster-father to physicians, swarming with pardons, indulgences, and + stations; a very honest man; a good catholic, and as brimful of devotion + as ever he can hold. + </p> + <p> + He weeps the three-fourth parts of the day, and never assists at any + weddings; but, give the devil his due, he is the most industrious + larding-stick and skewer-maker in forty kingdoms. + </p> + <p> + About six years ago, as I passed by Sneaking-land, I brought home a large + skewer from thence, and made a present of it to the butchers of Quande, + who set a great value upon them, and that for a cause. Some time or other, + if ever we live to come back to our own country, I will show you two of + them fastened on the great church porch. His usual food is pickled coats + of mail, salt helmets and head-pieces, and salt sallets; which sometimes + makes him piss pins and needles. As for his clothing, ‘tis comical + enough o’ conscience, both for make and colour; for he wears grey + and cold, nothing before, and nought behind, with the sleeves of the same. + </p> + <p> + You will do me a kindness, said Pantagruel, if, as you have described his + clothes, food, actions, and pastimes, you will also give me an account of + his shape and disposition in all his parts. Prithee do, dear cod, said + Friar John, for I have found him in my breviary, and then follow the + movable holy days. With all my heart, answered Xenomanes; we may chance to + hear more of him as we touch at the Wild Island, the dominions of the + squab Chitterlings, his enemies, against whom he is eternally at odds; and + were it not for the help of the noble Carnival, their protector and good + neighbour, this meagre-looked lozelly Shrovetide would long before this + have made sad work among them, and rooted them out of their habitation. + Are these same Chitterlings, said Friar John, male or female, angels or + mortals, women or maids? They are, replied Xenomanes, females in sex, + mortal in kind, some of them maids, others not. The devil have me, said + Friar John, if I ben’t for them. What a shameful disorder in nature, + is it not, to make war against women? Let’s go back and hack the + villain to pieces. What! meddle with Shrovetide? cried Panurge, in the + name of Beelzebub, I am not yet so weary of my life. No, I’m not yet + so mad as that comes to. Quid juris? Suppose we should find ourselves pent + up between the Chitterlings and Shrovetide? between the anvil and the + hammers? Shankers and buboes! stand off! godzooks, let us make the best of + our way. I bid you good night, sweet Mr. Shrovetide; I recommend to you + the Chitterlings, and pray don’t forget the puddings. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0030" id="link42HCH0030"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XXX.—How Shrovetide is anatomized and described by + Xenomanes. + </h2> + <p> + As for the inward parts of Shrovetide, said Xenomanes; his brain is (at + least, it was in my time) in bigness, colours, substance, and strength, + much like the left cod of a he hand-worm. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +The ventricles of his said brain, The stomach, like a belt. +like an auger. The pylorus, like a pitchfork. +The worm-like excrescence, like The windpipe, like an oyster- +a Christmas-box. knife. +The membranes, like a monk’s The throat, like a pincushion +cowl. stuffed with oakum. +The funnel, like a mason’s chisel. The lungs, like a prebend’s +The fornix, like a casket. fur-gown. +The glandula pinealis, like a bag- The heart, like a cope. +pipe. The mediastine, like an earthen +The rete mirabile, like a gutter. cup. +The dug-like processus, like a The pleura, like a crow’s bill. +patch. The arteries, like a watch-coat. +The tympanums, like a whirli- The midriff, like a montero-cap. +gig. The liver, like a double-tongued +The rocky bones, like a goose- mattock. +wing. The veins, like a sash-window. +The nape of the neck, like a paper The spleen, like a catcall. +lantern. The guts, like a trammel. +The nerves, like a pipkin. The gall, like a cooper’s adze. +The uvula, like a sackbut. The entrails, like a gauntlet. +The palate, like a mitten. The mesentery, like an abbot’s +The spittle, like a shuttle. mitre. +The almonds, like a telescope. The hungry gut, like a button. +The bridge of his nose, like a The blind gut, like a breastplate. +wheelbarrow. The colon, like a bridle. +The head of the larynx, like a The arse-gut, like a monk’s +vintage-basket. leathern bottle. +The kidneys, like a trowel. The ligaments, like a tinker’s +The loins, like a padlock. budget. +The ureters, like a pothook. The bones, like three-cornered +The emulgent veins, like two cheesecakes. +gilliflowers. The marrow, like a wallet. +The spermatic vessels, like a The cartilages, like a field- +cully-mully-puff. tortoise, alias a mole. +The parastata, like an inkpot. The glandules in the mouth, like +The bladder, like a stone-bow. a pruning-knife. +The neck, like a mill-clapper. The animal spirits, like swingeing +The mirach, or lower parts of the fisticuffs. +belly, like a high-crowned hat. The blood-fermenting, like a +The siphach, or its inner rind, multiplication of flirts on the +like a wooden cuff. nose. +The muscles, like a pair of bellows. The urine, like a figpecker. +The tendons, like a hawking- The sperm, like a hundred +glove. ten-penny nails. +</pre> + <p> + And his nurse told me, that being married to Mid-lent, he only begot a + good number of local adverbs and certain double fasts. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +His memory he had like a scarf. His undertakings, like the ballast +His common sense, like a buzzing of a galleon. +of bees. His understanding, like a torn +His imagination, like the chime breviary. +of a set of bells. His notions, like snails crawling +His thoughts, like a flight of star- out of strawberries. +lings. His will, like three filberts in a +His conscience, like the unnest- porringer. +ling of a parcel of young His desire, like six trusses of hay. +herons. His judgment, like a shoeing- +His deliberations, like a set of horn. +organs. His discretion, like the truckle of +His repentance, like the carriage a pulley. +of a double cannon. His reason, like a cricket. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0031" id="link42HCH0031"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XXXI.—Shrovetide’s outward parts anatomized. + </h2> + <p> + Shrovetide, continued Xenomanes, is somewhat better proportioned in his + outward parts, excepting the seven ribs which he had over and above the + common shape of men. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +His toes were like a virginal on The peritoneum, or caul wherein +an organ. his bowels were wrapped, like +His nails, like a gimlet. a billiard-table. +His feet, like a guitar. His back, like an overgrown rack- +His heels, like a club. bent crossbow. +The soles of his feet, like a cru- The vertebrae, or joints of his +cible. backbone, like a bagpipe. +His legs, like a hawk’s lure. His ribs, like a spinning-wheel. +His knees, like a joint-stool. His brisket, like a canopy. +His thighs, like a steel cap. His shoulder-blades, like a mortar. +His hips, like a wimble. His breast, like a game at nine- +His belly as big as a tun, buttoned pins. +after the old fashion, with a His paps, like a hornpipe. +girdle riding over the middle His armpits, like a chequer. +of his bosom. His shoulders, like a hand-barrow. +His navel, like a cymbal. His arms, like a riding-hood. +His groin, like a minced pie. His fingers, like a brotherhood’s +His member, like a slipper. andirons. +His purse, like an oil cruet. The fibulae, or lesser bones of his +His genitals, like a joiner’s planer. legs, like a pair of stilts. +Their erecting muscles, like a His shin-bones, like sickles. +racket. His elbows, like a mouse-trap. +The perineum, like a flageolet. His hands, like a curry-comb. +His arse-hole, like a crystal look- His neck, like a talboy. +ing-glass. His throat, like a felt to distil hip- +His bum, like a harrow. pocras. +The knob in his throat, like a His loins, like a butter-pot. +barrel, where hanged two His jaws, like a caudle cup. +brazen wens, very fine and His teeth, like a hunter’s staff. +harmonious, in the shape of an Of such colt’s teeth as his, +hourglass. you will find one at Colonges +His beard, like a lantern. les Royaux in Poitou, and +His chin, like a mushroom. two at La Brosse in Xaintonge, +His ears, like a pair of gloves. on the cellar door. +His nose, like a buskin. His tongue, like a jew’s-harp. +His nostrils, like a forehead cloth. His mouth, like a horse-cloth. +His eyebrows, like a dripping-pan. His face embroidered like a mule’s +On his left brow was a mark of pack-saddle. +the shape and bigness of an His head contrived like a still. +urinal. His skull, like a pouch. +His eyelids, like a fiddle. The suturae, or seams of his skull, +His eyes, like a comb-box. like the annulus piscatoris, or +His optic nerves, like a tinder- the fisher’s signet. +box. His skin, like a gabardine. +His forehead, like a false cup. His epidermis, or outward skin, +His temples, like the cock of a like a bolting-cloth. +cistern. His hair, like a scrubbing-brush. +His cheeks, like a pair of wooden His fur, such as above said. +shoes. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0032" id="link42HCH0032"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XXXII.—A continuation of Shrovetide’s countenance. + </h2> + <p> + 'Tis a wonderful thing, continued Xenomanes, to hear and see the state of + Shrovetide. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +If he chanced to spit, it was whole When he trembled, it was large +basketsful of goldfinches. venison pasties. +If he blowed his nose, it was When he did sweat, it was old +pickled grigs. ling with butter sauce. +When he wept, it was ducks with When he belched, it was bushels +onion sauce. of oysters. +When he sneezed, it was whole When he muttered, it was lawyers’ +tubfuls of mustard. revels. +When he coughed, it was boxes When he hopped about, it was +of marmalade. letters of licence and protec- +When he sobbed, it was water- tions. +cresses. When he stepped back, it was +When he yawned, it was potfuls sea cockle-shells. +of pickled peas. When he slabbered, it was com- +When he sighed, it was dried mon ovens. +neats’ tongues. When he was hoarse, it was an +When he whistled, it was a whole entry of morrice-dancers. +scuttleful of green apes. When he broke wind, it was dun +When he snored, it was a whole cows’ leather spatterdashes. +panful of fried beans. When he funked, it was washed- +When he frowned, it was soused leather boots. +hogs’ feet. When he scratched himself, it +When he spoke, it was coarse was new proclamations. +brown russet cloth; so little When he sung, it was peas in +it was like crimson silk, with cods. +which Parisatis desired that When he evacuated, it was mush- +the words of such as spoke to rooms and morilles. +her son Cyrus, King of Persia, When he puffed, it was cabbages +should be interwoven. with oil, alias caules amb’olif. +When he blowed, it was indulg- When he talked, it was the last +ence money-boxes. year’s snow. +When he winked, it was buttered When he dreamt, it was of a +buns. cock and a bull. +When he grumbled, it was March When he gave nothing, so much +cats. for the bearer. +When he nodded, it was iron- If he thought to himself, it was +bound waggons. whimsies and maggots. +When he made mouths, it was If he dozed, it was leases of lands. +broken staves. +</pre> + <p> + What is yet more strange, he used to work doing nothing, and did nothing + though he worked; caroused sleeping, and slept carousing, with his eyes + open, like the hares in our country, for fear of being taken napping by + the Chitterlings, his inveterate enemies; biting he laughed, and laughing + bit; eat nothing fasting, and fasted eating nothing; mumbled upon + suspicion, drank by imagination, swam on the tops of high steeples, dried + his clothes in ponds and rivers, fished in the air, and there used to + catch decumane lobsters; hunted at the bottom of the herring-pond, and + caught there ibexes, stamboucs, chamois, and other wild goats; used to put + out the eyes of all the crows which he took sneakingly; feared nothing but + his own shadow and the cries of fat kids; used to gad abroad some days, + like a truant schoolboy; played with the ropes of bells on festival days + of saints; made a mallet of his fist, and writ on hairy parchment + prognostications and almanacks with his huge pin-case. + </p> + <p> + Is that the gentleman? said Friar John. He is my man; this is the very + fellow I looked for. I will send him a challenge immediately. This is, + said Pantagruel, a strange and monstrous sort of man, if I may call him a + man. You put me in mind of the form and looks of Amodunt and Dissonance. + How were they made? said Friar John. May I be peeled like a raw onion if + ever I heard a word of them. I’ll tell you what I read of them in + some ancient apologues, replied Pantagruel. + </p> + <p> + Physis—that is to say, Nature—at her first burthen begat + Beauty and Harmony without carnal copulation, being of herself very + fruitful and prolific. Antiphysis, who ever was the counter part of + Nature, immediately, out of a malicious spite against her for her + beautiful and honourable productions, in opposition begot Amodunt and + Dissonance by copulation with Tellumon. Their heads were round like a + football, and not gently flatted on both sides, like the common shape of + men. Their ears stood pricked up like those of asses; their eyes, as hard + as those of crabs, and without brows, stared out of their heads, fixed on + bones like those of our heels; their feet were round like tennis-balls; + their arms and hands turned backwards towards their shoulders; and they + walked on their heads, continually turning round like a ball, topsy-turvy, + heels over head. + </p> + <p> + Yet—as you know that apes esteem their young the handsomest in the + world —Antiphysis extolled her offspring, and strove to prove that + their shape was handsomer and neater than that of the children of Physis, + saying that thus to have spherical heads and feet, and walk in a circular + manner, wheeling round, had something in it of the perfection of the + divine power, which makes all beings eternally turn in that fashion; and + that to have our feet uppermost, and the head below them, was to imitate + the Creator of the universe; the hair being like the roots, and the legs + like the branches of man; for trees are better planted by their roots than + they could be by their branches. By this demonstration she implied that + her children were much more to be praised for being like a standing tree, + than those of Physis, that made a figure of a tree upside down. As for the + arms and hands, she pretended to prove that they were more justly turned + towards the shoulders, because that part of the body ought not to be + without defence, while the forepart is duly fenced with teeth, which a man + cannot only use to chew, but also to defend himself against those things + that offend him. Thus, by the testimony and astipulation of the brute + beasts, she drew all the witless herd and mob of fools into her opinion, + and was admired by all brainless and nonsensical people. + </p> + <p> + Since that, she begot the hypocritical tribes of eavesdropping + dissemblers, superstitious pope-mongers, and priest-ridden bigots, the + frantic Pistolets, (the demoniacal Calvins, impostors of Geneva,) the + scrapers of benefices, apparitors with the devil in them, and other + grinders and squeezers of livings, herb-stinking hermits, gulligutted + dunces of the cowl, church vermin, false zealots, devourers of the + substance of men, and many more other deformed and ill-favoured monsters, + made in spite of nature. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0033" id="link42HCH0033"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XXXIII.—How Pantagruel discovered a monstrous physeter, or + whirlpool, near the Wild Island. + </h2> + <p> + About sunset, coming near the Wild Island, Pantagruel spied afar off a + huge monstrous physeter (a sort of whale, which some call a whirlpool), + that came right upon us, neighing, snorting, raised above the waves higher + than our main-tops, and spouting water all the way into the air before + itself, like a large river falling from a mountain. Pantagruel showed it + to the pilot and to Xenomanes. + </p> + <p> + By the pilot’s advice the trumpets of the Thalamege were sounded to + warn all the fleet to stand close and look to themselves. This alarm being + given, all the ships, galleons, frigates, brigantines, according to their + naval discipline, placed themselves in the order and figure of an Y + (upsilon), the letter of Pythagoras, as cranes do in their flight, and + like an acute angle, in whose cone and basis the Thalamege placed herself + ready to fight smartly. Friar John with the grenadiers got on the + forecastle. + </p> + <p> + Poor Panurge began to cry and howl worse than ever. Babille-babou, said + he, shrugging up his shoulders, quivering all over with fear, there will + be the devil upon dun. This is a worse business than that t’other + day. Let us fly, let us fly; old Nick take me if it is not Leviathan, + described by the noble prophet Moses in the life of patient Job. It will + swallow us all, ships and men, shag, rag, and bobtail, like a dose of + pills. Alas! it will make no more of us, and we shall hold no more room in + its hellish jaws, than a sugarplum in an ass’s throat. Look, look, + ‘tis upon us; let us wheel off, whip it away, and get ashore. I + believe ‘tis the very individual sea-monster that was formerly + designed to devour Andromeda; we are all undone. Oh! for some valiant + Perseus here now to kill the dog. + </p> + <p> + I’ll do its business presently, said Pantagruel; fear nothing. + Ods-belly, said Panurge, remove the cause of my fear then. When the devil + would you have a man be afraid but when there is so much cause? If your + destiny be such as Friar John was saying a while ago, replied Pantagruel, + you ought to be afraid of Pyroeis, Eous, Aethon, and Phlegon, the sun’s + coach-horses, that breathe fire at the nostrils; and not of physeters, + that spout nothing but water at the snout and mouth. Their water will not + endanger your life; and that element will rather save and preserve than + hurt or endanger you. + </p> + <p> + Ay, ay, trust to that, and hang me, quoth Panurge; yours is a very pretty + fancy. Ods-fish! did I not give you a sufficient account of the elements’ + transmutation, and the blunders that are made of roast for boiled, and + boiled for roast? Alas! here ‘tis; I’ll go hide myself below. + We are dead men, every mother’s son of us. I see upon our main-top + that merciless hag Atropos, with her scissors new ground, ready to cut our + threads all at one snip. Oh! how dreadful and abominable thou art; thou + hast drowned a good many beside us, who never made their brags of it. Did + it but spout good, brisk, dainty, delicious white wine, instead of this + damned bitter salt water, one might better bear with it, and there would + be some cause to be patient; like that English lord, who being doomed to + die, and had leave to choose what kind of death he would, chose to be + drowned in a butt of malmsey. Here it is. Oh, oh! devil! Sathanas! + Leviathan! I cannot abide to look upon thee, thou art so abominably ugly. + Go to the bar, go take the pettifoggers. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0034" id="link42HCH0034"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XXXIV.—How the monstrous physeter was slain by Pantagruel. + </h2> + <p> + The physeter, coming between the ships and the galleons, threw water by + whole tuns upon them, as if it had been the cataracts of the Nile in + Ethiopia. On the other side, arrows, darts, gleaves, javelins, spears, + harping-irons, and partizans, flew upon it like hail. Friar John did not + spare himself in it. Panurge was half dead for fear. The artillery roared + and thundered like mad, and seemed to gall it in good earnest, but did but + little good; for the great iron and brass cannon-shot entering its skin + seemed to melt like tiles in the sun. + </p> + <p> + Pantagruel then, considering the weight and exigency of the matter, + stretched out his arms and showed what he could do. You tell us, and it is + recorded, that Commudus, the Roman emperor, could shoot with a bow so + dexterously that at a good distance he would let fly an arrow through a + child’s fingers and never touch them. You also tell us of an Indian + archer, who lived when Alexander the Great conquered India, and was so + skilful in drawing the bow, that at a considerable distance he would shoot + his arrows through a ring, though they were three cubits long, and their + iron so large and weighty that with them he used to pierce steel + cutlasses, thick shields, steel breastplates, and generally what he did + hit, how firm, resisting, hard, and strong soever it were. You also tell + us wonders of the industry of the ancient Franks, who were preferred to + all others in point of archery; and when they hunted either black or dun + beasts, used to rub the head of their arrows with hellebore, because the + flesh of the venison struck with such an arrow was more tender, dainty, + wholesome, and delicious—paring off, nevertheless, the part that was + touched round about. You also talk of the Parthians, who used to shoot + backwards more dexterously than other nations forwards; and also celebrate + the skill of the Scythians in that art, who sent once to Darius, King of + Persia, an ambassador that made him a present of a bird, a frog, a mouse, + and five arrows, without speaking one word; and being asked what those + presents meant, and if he had commission to say anything, answered that he + had not; which puzzled and gravelled Darius very much, till Gobrias, one + of the seven captains that had killed the magi, explained it, saying to + Darius: By these gifts and offerings the Scythians silently tell you that + except the Persians like birds fly up to heaven, or like mice hide + themselves near the centre of the earth, or like frogs dive to the very + bottom of ponds and lakes, they shall be destroyed by the power and arrows + of the Scythians. + </p> + <p> + The noble Pantagruel was, without comparison, more admirable yet in the + art of shooting and darting; for with his dreadful piles and darts, nearly + resembling the huge beams that support the bridges of Nantes, Saumur, + Bergerac, and at Paris the millers’ and the changers’ bridges, + in length, size, weight, and iron-work, he at a mile’s distance + would open an oyster and never touch the edges; he would snuff a candle + without putting it out; would shoot a magpie in the eye; take off a boot’s + under-sole, or a riding-hood’s lining, without soiling them a bit; + turn over every leaf of Friar John’s breviary, one after another, + and not tear one. + </p> + <p> + With such darts, of which there was good store in the ship, at the first + blow he ran the physeter in at the forehead so furiously that he pierced + both its jaws and tongue; so that from that time to this it no more opened + its guttural trapdoor, nor drew and spouted water. At the second blow he + put out its right eye, and at the third its left; and we had all the + pleasure to see the physeter bearing those three horns in its forehead, + somewhat leaning forwards in an equilateral triangle. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile it turned about to and fro, staggering and straying like one + stunned, blinded, and taking his leave of the world. Pantagruel, not + satisfied with this, let fly another dart, which took the monster under + the tail likewise sloping; then with three other on the chine, in a + perpendicular line, divided its flank from the tail to the snout at an + equal distance. Then he larded it with fifty on one side, and after that, + to make even work, he darted as many on its other side; so that the body + of the physeter seemed like the hulk of a galleon with three masts, joined + by a competent dimension of its beams, as if they had been the ribs and + chain-wales of the keel; which was a pleasant sight. The physeter then + giving up the ghost, turned itself upon its back, as all dead fishes do; + and being thus overturned, with the beams and darts upside down in the + sea, it seemed a scolopendra or centipede, as that serpent is described by + the ancient sage Nicander. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0035" id="link42HCH0035"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XXXV.—How Pantagruel went on shore in the Wild Island, the + ancient abode of the Chitterlings. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link4image-0013" id="link4image-0013"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/4-35-472.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Physetere Was Slain by Pantagruel--4-35-472" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + The boat’s crew of the ship Lantern towed the physeter ashore on the + neighbouring shore, which happened to be the Wild Island, to make an + anatomical dissection of its body and save the fat of its kidneys, which, + they said, was very useful and necessary for the cure of a certain + distemper, which they called want of money. As for Pantagruel, he took no + manner of notice of the monster; for he had seen many such, nay, bigger, + in the Gallic ocean. Yet he condescended to land in the Wild Island, to + dry and refresh some of his men (whom the physeter had wetted and + bedaubed), at a small desert seaport towards the south, seated near a fine + pleasant grove, out of which flowed a delicious brook of fresh, clear, and + purling water. Here they pitched their tents and set up their kitchens; + nor did they spare fuel. + </p> + <p> + Everyone having shifted as they thought fit, Friar John rang the bell, and + the cloth was immediately laid, and supper brought in. Pantagruel eating + cheerfully with his men, much about the second course perceived certain + little sly Chitterlings clambering up a high tree near the pantry, as + still as so many mice. Which made him ask Xenomanes what kind of creatures + these were, taking them for squirrels, weasels, martins, or ermines. They + are Chitterlings, replied Xenomanes. This is the Wild Island of which I + spoke to you this morning; there hath been an irreconcilable war this long + time between them and Shrovetide, their malicious and ancient enemy. I + believe that the noise of the guns which we fired at the physeter hath + alarmed them, and made them fear their enemy was come with his forces to + surprise them, or lay the island waste, as he hath often attempted to do; + though he still came off but bluely, by reason of the care and vigilance + of the Chitterlings, who (as Dido said to Aeneas’s companions that + would have landed at Carthage without her leave or knowledge) were forced + to watch and stand upon their guard, considering the malice of their enemy + and the neighbourhood of his territories. + </p> + <p> + Pray, dear friend, said Pantagruel, if you find that by some honest means + we may bring this war to an end, and reconcile them together, give me + notice of it; I will use my endeavours in it with all my heart, and spare + nothing on my side to moderate and accommodate the points in dispute + between both parties. + </p> + <p> + That’s impossible at this time, answered Xenomanes. About four years + ago, passing incognito by this country, I endeavoured to make a peace, or + at least a long truce among them; and I had certainly brought them to be + good friends and neighbours if both one and the other parties would have + yielded to one single article. Shrovetide would not include in the treaty + of peace the wild puddings nor the highland sausages, their ancient + gossips and confederates. The Chitterlings demanded that the fort of + Cacques might be under their government, as is the Castle of Sullouoir, + and that a parcel of I don’t know what stinking villains, murderers, + robbers, that held it then, should be expelled. But they could not agree + in this, and the terms that were offered seemed too hard to either party. + So the treaty broke off, and nothing was done. Nevertheless, they became + less severe, and gentler enemies than they were before; but since the + denunciation of the national Council of Chesil, whereby they were roughly + handled, hampered, and cited; whereby also Shrovetide was declared filthy, + beshitten, and berayed, in case he made any league or agreement with them; + they are grown wonderfully inveterate, incensed, and obstinate against one + another, and there is no way to remedy it. You might sooner reconcile cats + and rats, or hounds and hares together. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0036" id="link42HCH0036"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XXXVI.—How the wild Chitterlings laid an ambuscado for + Pantagruel. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link4image-0014" id="link4image-0014"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/4-36-474.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Pantagruel Arose to Scour the Thicket--4-36-474" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + While Xenomanes was saying this, Friar John spied twenty or thirty young + slender-shaped Chitterlings posting as fast as they could towards their + town, citadel, castle, and fort of Chimney, and said to Pantagruel, I + smell a rat; there will be here the devil upon two sticks, or I am much + out. These worshipful Chitterlings may chance to mistake you for + Shrovetide, though you are not a bit like him. Let us once in our lives + leave our junketing for a while, and put ourselves in a posture to give + 'em a bellyful of fighting, if they would be at that sport. There can be + no false Latin in this, said Xenomanes; Chitterlings are still + Chitterlings, always double-hearted and treacherous. + </p> + <p> + Pantagruel then arose from table to visit and scour the thicket, and + returned presently; having discovered, on the left, an ambuscade of squab + Chitterlings; and on the right, about half a league from thence, a large + body of huge giant-like armed Chitterlings ranged in battalia along a + little hill, and marching furiously towards us at the sound of bagpipes, + sheep’s paunches, and bladders, the merry fifes and drums, trumpets, + and clarions, hoping to catch us as Moss caught his mare. By the + conjecture of seventy-eight standards which we told, we guessed their + number to be two and forty thousand, at a modest computation. + </p> + <p> + Their order, proud gait, and resolute looks made us judge that they were + none of your raw, paltry links, but old warlike Chitterlings and Sausages. + From the foremost ranks to the colours they were all armed cap-a-pie with + small arms, as we reckoned them at a distance, yet very sharp and + case-hardened. Their right and left wings were lined with a great number + of forest puddings, heavy pattipans, and horse sausages, all of them tall + and proper islanders, banditti, and wild. + </p> + <p> + Pantagruel was very much daunted, and not without cause; though Epistemon + told him that it might be the use and custom of the Chitterlingonians to + welcome and receive thus in arms their foreign friends, as the noble kings + of France are received and saluted at their first coming into the chief + cities of the kingdom after their advancement to the crown. Perhaps, said + he, it may be the usual guard of the queen of the place, who, having + notice given her by the junior Chitterlings of the forlorn hope whom you + saw on the tree, of the arrival of your fine and pompous fleet, hath + judged that it was without doubt some rich and potent prince, and is come + to visit you in person. + </p> + <p> + Pantagruel, little trusting to this, called a council, to have their + advice at large in this doubtful case. He briefly showed them how this way + of reception with arms had often, under colour of compliment and + friendship, been fatal. Thus, said he, the Emperor Antonius Caracalla at + one time destroyed the citizens of Alexandria, and at another time cut off + the attendants of Artabanus, King of Persia, under colour of marrying his + daughter, which, by the way, did not pass unpunished, for a while after + this cost him his life. + </p> + <p> + Thus Jacob’s children destroyed the Sichemites, to revenge the rape + of their sister Dinah. By such another hypocritical trick Gallienus, the + Roman emperor, put to death the military men in Constantinople. Thus, + under colour of friendship, Antonius enticed Artavasdes, King of Armenia; + then, having caused him to be bound in heavy chains and shackled, at last + put him to death. + </p> + <p> + We find a thousand such instances in history; and King Charles VI. is + justly commended for his prudence to this day, in that, coming back + victorious over the Ghenters and other Flemings to his good city of Paris, + and when he came to Bourget, a league from thence, hearing that the + citizens with their mallets—whence they got the name of Maillotins—were + marched out of town in battalia, twenty thousand strong, he would not go + into the town till they had laid down their arms and retired to their + respective homes; though they protested to him that they had taken arms + with no other design than to receive him with the greater demonstration of + honour and respect. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0037" id="link42HCH0037"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XXXVII.—How Pantagruel sent for Colonel Maul-chitterling + and Colonel Cut-pudding; with a discourse well worth your hearing about + the names of places and persons. + </h2> + <p> + The resolution of the council was that, let things be how they would, it + behoved the Pantagruelists to stand upon their guard. Therefore Carpalin + and Gymnast were ordered by Pantagruel to go for the soldiers that were on + board the Cup galley, under the command of Colonel Maul-chitterling, and + those on board the Vine-tub frigate, under the command of Colonel + Cut-pudding the younger. I will ease Gymnast of that trouble, said + Panurge, who wanted to be upon the run; you may have occasion for him + here. By this worthy frock of mine, quoth Friar John, thou hast a mind to + slip thy neck out of the collar and absent thyself from the fight, thou + white-livered son of a dunghill! Upon my virginity thou wilt never come + back. Well, there can be no great loss in thee; for thou wouldst do + nothing here but howl, bray, weep, and dishearten the good soldiers. I + will certainly come back, said Panurge, Friar John, my ghostly father, and + speedily too; do but take care that these plaguy Chitterlings do not board + our ships. All the while you will be a-fighting I will pray heartily for + your victory, after the example of the valiant captain and guide of the + people of Israel, Moses. Having said this, he wheeled off. + </p> + <p> + Then said Epistemon to Pantagruel: The denomination of these two colonels + of yours, Maul-chitterling and Cut-pudding, promiseth us assurance, + success, and victory, if those Chitterlings should chance to set upon us. + You take it rightly, said Pantagruel, and it pleaseth me to see you + foresee and prognosticate our victory by the names of our colonels. + </p> + <p> + This way of foretelling by names is not new; it was in old times + celebrated and religiously observed by the Pythagoreans. Several great + princes and emperors have formerly made good use of it. Octavianus + Augustus, second emperor of the Romans, meeting on a day a country fellow + named Eutychus —that is, fortunate—driving an ass named Nicon—that + is, in Greek, Victorian—moved by the signification of the ass’s + and ass-driver’s names, remained assured of all prosperity and + victory. + </p> + <p> + The Emperor Vespasian being once all alone at prayers in the temple of + Serapis, at the sight and unexpected coming of a certain servant of his + named Basilides—that is, royal—whom he had left sick a great + way behind, took hopes and assurance of obtaining the empire of the + Romans. Regilian was chosen emperor by the soldiers for no other reason + but the signification of his name. See the Cratylus of the divine Plato. + (By my thirst, I will read it, said Rhizotome; I hear you so often quote + it.) See how the Pythagoreans, by reason of the names and numbers, + conclude that Patroclus was to fall by the hand of Hector; Hector by + Achilles; Achilles by Paris; Paris by Philoctetes. I am quite lost in my + understanding when I reflect upon the admirable invention of Pythagoras, + who by the number, either even or odd, of the syllables of every name, + would tell you of what side a man was lame, hulch-backed, blind, gouty, + troubled with the palsy, pleurisy, or any other distemper incident to + humankind; allotting even numbers to the left (Motteux reads—‘even + numbers to the Right, and odd ones to the Left.’), and odd ones to + the right side of the body. + </p> + <p> + Indeed, said Epistemon, I saw this way of syllabizing tried at Xaintes at + a general procession, in the presence of that good, virtuous, learned and + just president, Brian Vallee, Lord of Douhait. When there went by a man or + woman that was either lame, blind of one eye, or humpbacked, he had an + account brought him of his or her name; and if the syllables of the name + were of an odd number, immediately, without seeing the persons, he + declared them to be deformed, blind, lame, or crooked of the right side; + and of the left, if they were even in number; and such indeed we ever + found them. + </p> + <p> + By this syllabical invention, said Pantagruel, the learned have affirmed + that Achilles kneeling was wounded by the arrow of Paris in the right + heel, for his name is of odd syllables (here we ought to observe that the + ancients used to kneel the right foot); and that Venus was also wounded + before Troy in the left hand, for her name in Greek is Aphrodite, of four + syllables; Vulcan lamed of his left foot for the same reason; Philip, King + of Macedon, and Hannibal, blind of the right eye; not to speak of + sciaticas, broken bellies, and hemicranias, which may be distinguished by + this Pythagorean reason. + </p> + <p> + But returning to names: do but consider how Alexander the Great, son of + King Philip, of whom we spoke just now, compassed his undertaking merely + by the interpretation of a name. He had besieged the strong city of Tyre, + and for several weeks battered it with all his power; but all in vain. His + engines and attempts were still baffled by the Tyrians, which made him + finally resolve to raise the siege, to his great grief; foreseeing the + great stain which such a shameful retreat would be to his reputation. In + this anxiety and agitation of mind he fell asleep and dreamed that a satyr + was come into his tent, capering, skipping, and tripping it up and down, + with his goatish hoofs, and that he strove to lay hold on him. But the + satyr still slipped from him, till at last, having penned him up into a + corner, he took him. With this he awoke, and telling his dream to the + philosophers and sages of his court, they let him know that it was a + promise of victory from the gods, and that he should soon be master of + Tyre; the word satyros divided in two being sa Tyros, and signifying Tyre + is thine; and in truth, at the next onset, he took the town by storm, and + by a complete victory reduced that stubborn people to subjection. + </p> + <p> + On the other hand, see how, by the signification of one word, Pompey fell + into despair. Being overcome by Caesar at the battle of Pharsalia, he had + no other way left to escape but by flight; which attempting by sea, he + arrived near the island of Cyprus, and perceived on the shore near the + city of Paphos a beautiful and stately palace; now asking the pilot what + was the name of it, he told him that it was called kakobasilea, that is, + evil king; which struck such a dread and terror in him that he fell into + despair, as being assured of losing shortly his life; insomuch that his + complaints, sighs, and groans were heard by the mariners and other + passengers. And indeed, a while after, a certain strange peasant, called + Achillas, cut off his head. + </p> + <p> + To all these examples might be added what happened to L. Paulus Emilius + when the senate elected him imperator, that is, chief of the army which + they sent against Perses, King of Macedon. That evening returning home to + prepare for his expedition, and kissing a little daughter of his called + Trasia, she seemed somewhat sad to him. What is the matter, said he, my + chicken? Why is my Trasia thus sad and melancholy? Daddy, replied the + child, Persa is dead. This was the name of a little bitch which she loved + mightily. Hearing this, Paulus took assurance of a victory over Perses. + </p> + <p> + If time would permit us to discourse of the sacred Hebrew writ, we might + find a hundred noted passages evidently showing how religiously they + observed proper names and their significations. + </p> + <p> + He had hardly ended this discourse, when the two colonels arrived with + their soldiers, all well armed and resolute. Pantagruel made them a short + speech, entreating them to behave themselves bravely in case they were + attacked; for he could not yet believe that the Chitterlings were so + treacherous; but he bade them by no means to give the first offence, + giving them Carnival for the watchword. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0038" id="link42HCH0038"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XXXVIII.—How Chitterlings are not to be slighted by men. + </h2> + <p> + You shake your empty noddles now, jolly topers, and do not believe what I + tell you here, any more than if it were some tale of a tub. Well, well, I + cannot help it. Believe it if you will; if you won’t, let it alone. + For my part, I very well know what I say. It was in the Wild Island, in + our voyage to the Holy Bottle. I tell you the time and place; what would + you have more? I would have you call to mind the strength of the ancient + giants that undertook to lay the high mountain Pelion on the top of Ossa, + and set among those the shady Olympus, to dash out the gods’ brains, + unnestle them, and scour their heavenly lodgings. Theirs was no small + strength, you may well think, and yet they were nothing but Chitterlings + from the waist downwards, or at least serpents, not to tell a lie for the + matter. + </p> + <p> + The serpent that tempted Eve, too, was of the Chitterling kind, and yet it + is recorded of him that he was more subtle than any beast of the field. + Even so are Chitterlings. Nay, to this very hour they hold in some + universities that this same tempter was the Chitterling called + Ithyphallus, into which was transformed bawdy Priapus, arch-seducer of + females in paradise, that is, a garden, in Greek. + </p> + <p> + Pray now tell me who can tell but that the Swiss, now so bold and warlike, + were formerly Chitterlings? For my part, I would not take my oath to the + contrary. The Himantopodes, a nation very famous in Ethiopia, according to + Pliny’s description, are Chitterlings, and nothing else. If all this + will not satisfy your worships, or remove your incredulity, I would have + you forthwith (I mean drinking first, that nothing be done rashly) visit + Lusignan, Parthenay, Vouant, Mervant, and Ponzauges in Poitou. There you + will find a cloud of witnesses, not of your affidavit-men of the right + stamp, but credible time out of mind, that will take their corporal oath, + on Rigome’s knuckle-bone, that Melusina their founder or foundress, + which you please, was woman from the head to the prick-purse, and thence + downwards was a serpentine Chitterling, or if you’ll have it + otherwise, a Chitterlingdized serpent. She nevertheless had a genteel and + noble gait, imitated to this very day by your hop-merchants of Brittany, + in their paspie and country dances. + </p> + <p> + What do you think was the cause of Erichthonius’s being the first + inventor of coaches, litters, and chariots? Nothing but because Vulcan had + begot him with Chitterlingdized legs, which to hide he chose to ride in a + litter, rather than on horseback; for Chitterlings were not yet in esteem + at that time. + </p> + <p> + The Scythian nymph, Ora, was likewise half woman and half Chitterling, and + yet seemed so beautiful to Jupiter that nothing could serve him but he + must give her a touch of his godship’s kindness; and accordingly he + had a brave boy by her, called Colaxes; and therefore I would have you + leave off shaking your empty noddles at this, as if it were a story, and + firmly believe that nothing is truer than the gospel. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0039" id="link42HCH0039"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XXXIX.—How Friar John joined with the cooks to fight the + Chitterlings. + </h2> + <p> + Friar John seeing these furious Chitterlings thus boldly march up, said to + Pantagruel, Here will be a rare battle of hobby-horses, a pretty kind of + puppet-show fight, for aught I see. Oh! what mighty honour and wonderful + glory will attend our victory! I would have you only be a bare spectator + of this fight, and for anything else leave me and my men to deal with + them. What men? said Pantagruel. Matter of breviary, replied Friar John. + How came Potiphar, who was head-cook of Pharaoh’s kitchens, he that + bought Joseph, and whom the said Joseph might have made a cuckold if he + had not been a Joseph; how came he, I say, to be made general of all the + horse in the kingdom of Egypt? Why was Nabuzardan, King Nebuchadnezzar’s + head-cook, chosen to the exclusion of all other captains to besiege and + destroy Jerusalem? I hear you, replied Pantagruel. By St. Christopher’s + whiskers, said Friar John, I dare lay a wager that it was because they had + formerly engaged Chitterlings, or men as little valued; whom to rout, + conquer, and destroy, cooks are without comparison more fit than + cuirassiers and gendarmes armed at all points, or all the horse and foot + in the world. + </p> + <p> + You put me in mind, said Pantagruel, of what is written amongst the + facetious and merry sayings of Cicero. During the more than civil wars + between Caesar and Pompey, though he was much courted by the first, he + naturally leaned more to the side of the latter. Now one day hearing that + the Pompeians in a certain rencontre had lost a great many men, he took a + fancy to visit their camp. There he perceived little strength, less + courage, but much disorder. From that time, foreseeing that things would + go ill with them, as it since happened, he began to banter now one and + then another, and be very free of his cutting jests; so some of Pompey’s + captains, playing the good fellows to show their assurance, told him, Do + you see how many eagles we have yet? (They were then the device of the + Romans in war.) They might be of use to you, replied Cicero, if you had to + do with magpies. + </p> + <p> + Thus, seeing we are to fight Chitterlings, pursued Pantagruel, you infer + thence that it is a culinary war, and have a mind to join with the cooks. + Well, do as you please, I’ll stay here in the meantime, and wait for + the event of the rumpus. + </p> + <p> + Friar John went that very moment among the sutlers, into the cooks’ + tents, and told them in a pleasing manner: I must see you crowned with + honour and triumph this day, my lads; to your arms are reserved such + achievements as never yet were performed within the memory of man. + Ods-belly, do they make nothing of the valiant cooks? Let us go fight + yonder fornicating Chitterlings! I’ll be your captain. But first let’s + drink, boys. Come on! let us be of good cheer. Noble captain, returned the + kitchen tribe, this was spoken like yourself; bravely offered. Huzza! we + are all at your excellency’s command, and we live and die by you. + Live, live, said Friar John, a God’s name; but die by no means. That + is the Chitterlings’ lot; they shall have their bellyful of it. Come + on then, let us put ourselves in order; Nabuzardan’s the word. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0040" id="link42HCH0040"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XL.—How Friar John fitted up the sow; and of the valiant + cooks that went into it. + </h2> + <p> + Then, by Friar John’s order, the engineers and their workmen fitted + up the great sow that was in the ship Leathern Bottle. It was a wonderful + machine, so contrived that, by means of large engines that were round + about it in rows, it throw’d forked iron bars and four-squared steel + bolts; and in its hold two hundred men at least could easily fight, and be + sheltered. It was made after the model of the sow of Riole, by the means + of which Bergerac was retaken from the English in the reign of Charles the + Sixth. + </p> + <p> + Here are the names of the noble and valiant cooks who went into the sow, + as the Greeks did into the Trojan horse: + </p> + <p> + Sour-sauce. Crisp-pig. Carbonado. Sweet-meat. Greasy-slouch. Sop-in-pan. + Greedy-gut. Fat-gut. Pick-fowl. Liquorice-chops. Bray-mortar. Mustard-pot. + Soused-pork. Lick-sauce. Hog’s-haslet. Slap-sauce. Hog’s-foot. + Chopped-phiz. Cock-broth. Hodge-podge. Gallimaufry. Slipslop. + </p> + <p> + All these noble cooks in their coat-of-arms did bear, in a field gules, a + larding-pin vert, charged with a chevron argent. + </p> + <p> + Lard, hog’s-lard. Pinch-lard. Snatch-lard. Nibble-lard. Top-lard. + Gnaw-lard. Filch-lard. Pick-lard. Scrape-lard. Fat-lard. Save-lard. + Chew-lard. + </p> + <p> + Gaillard (by syncope) born near Rambouillet. The said culinary doctor’s + name was Gaillardlard, in the same manner as you use to say idolatrous for + idololatrous. + </p> + <p> + Stiff-lard. Cut-lard. Waste-lard. Watch-lard. Mince-lard. Ogle-lard. + Sweet-lard. Dainty-lard. Weigh-lard. Eat-lard. Fresh-lard. Gulch-lard. + Snap-lard. Rusty-lard. Eye-lard. Catch-lard. + </p> + <p> + Names unknown among the Marranes and Jews. + </p> + <p> + Ballocky. Thirsty. Porridge-pot. Pick-sallat. Kitchen-stuff. Lick-dish. + Broil-rasher. Verjuice. Salt-gullet. Coney-skin. Save-dripping. + Snail-dresser. Dainty-chops. Watercress. Soup-monger. Pie-wright. + Scrape-turnip. Brewis-belly. Pudding-pan. Trivet. Chine-picker. Toss-pot. + Monsieur Ragout. Suck-gravy. Mustard-sauce. Crack-pipkin. Macaroon. + Claret-sauce. Scrape-pot. Skewer-maker. Swill-broth. + </p> + <p> + Smell-smock. He was afterwards taken from the kitchen and removed to + chamber-practice, for the service of the noble Cardinal Hunt-venison. + </p> + <p> + Rot-roast. Hog’s gullet. Fox-tail. Dish-clout. Sirloin. Fly-flap. + Save-suet. Spit-mutton. Old Grizzle. Fire-fumbler. Fritter-frier. + Ruff-belly. Pillicock. Flesh-smith. Saffron-sauce. Long-tool. Cram-gut. + Strutting-tom. Prick-pride. Tuzzy-mussy. Slashed-snout. Prick-madam. + Jacket-liner. Smutty-face. Pricket. Guzzle-drink. + </p> + <p> + Mondam, that first invented madam’s sauce, and for that discovery + was thus called in the Scotch-French dialect. + </p> + <p> + Loblolly. Sloven. Trencher-man. Slabber-chops. Swallow-pitcher. Goodman + Goosecap. Scum-pot. Wafer-monger. Munch-turnip. Gully-guts. Snap-gobbet. + Pudding-bag. Rinse-pot. Scurvy-phiz. Pig-sticker. Drink-spiller. + </p> + <p> + Robert. He invented Robert’s sauce, so good and necessary for + roasted coneys, ducks, fresh pork, poached eggs, salt fish, and a thousand + other such dishes. + </p> + <p> + Cold-eel. Frying-pan. Big-snout. Thornback. Man of dough. Lick-finger. + Gurnard. Sauce-doctor. Tit-bit. Grumbling-gut. Waste-butter. Sauce-box. + Alms-scrip. Shitbreech. All-fours. Taste-all. Thick-brawn. Whimwham. + Scrap-merchant. Tom T—d. Baste-roast. Belly-timberman. Mouldy-crust. + Gaping-hoyden. Hashee. Hasty. Calf’s-pluck. Frig-palate. + Red-herring. Leather-breeches. Powdering-tub. Cheesecake. + </p> + <p> + All these noble cooks went into the sow, merry, cheery, hale, brisk, old + dogs at mischief, and ready to fight stoutly. Friar John ever and anon + waving his huge scimitar, brought up the rear, and double-locked the doors + on the inside. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0041" id="link42HCH0041"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XLI.—How Pantagruel broke the Chitterlings at the knees. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link4image-0015" id="link4image-0015"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/4-41-482.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Cut the Sausage in Twain--4-41-482" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + The Chitterlings advanced so near that Pantagruel perceived that they + stretched their arms and already began to charge their lances, which + caused him to send Gymnast to know what they meant, and why they thus, + without the least provocation, came to fall upon their old trusty friends, + who had neither said nor done the least ill thing to them. Gymnast being + advanced near their front, bowed very low, and said to them as loud as + ever he could: We are friends, we are friends; all, all of us your + friends, yours, and at your command; we are for Carnival, your old + confederate. Some have since told me that he mistook, and said cavernal + instead of carnival. + </p> + <p> + Whatever it was, the word was no sooner out of his mouth but a huge little + squab Sausage, starting out of the front of their main body, would have + griped him by the collar. By the helmet of Mars, said Gymnast, I will + swallow thee; but thou shalt only come in in chips and slices; for, big as + thou art, thou couldst never come in whole. This spoke, he lugs out his + trusty sword, Kiss-mine-arse (so he called it) with both his fists, and + cut the Sausage in twain. Bless me, how fat the foul thief was! it puts me + in mind of the huge bull of Berne, that was slain at Marignan when the + drunken Swiss were so mauled there. Believe me, it had little less than + four inches’ lard on its paunch. + </p> + <p> + The Sausage’s job being done, a crowd of others flew upon Gymnast, + and had most scurvily dragged him down when Pantagruel with his men came + up to his relief. Then began the martial fray, higgledy-piggledy. + Maul-chitterling did maul chitterlings; Cut-pudding did cut puddings; + Pantagruel did break the Chitterlings at the knees; Friar John played at + least in sight within his sow, viewing and observing all things; when the + Pattipans that lay in ambuscade most furiously sallied out upon + Pantagruel. + </p> + <p> + Friar John, who lay snug all this while, by that time perceiving the rout + and hurlyburly, set open the doors of his sow and sallied out with his + merry Greeks, some of them armed with iron spits, others with andirons, + racks, fire-shovels, frying-pans, kettles, grid-irons, oven forks, tongs, + dripping pans, brooms, iron pots, mortars, pestles, all in battle array, + like so many housebreakers, hallooing and roaring out all together most + frightfully, Nabuzardan, Nabuzardan, Nabuzardan. Thus shouting and hooting + they fought like dragons, and charged through the Pattipans and Sausages. + The Chitterlings perceiving this fresh reinforcement, and that the others + would be too hard for ‘em, betook themselves to their heels, + scampering off with full speed, as if the devil had come for them. Friar + John, with an iron crow, knocked them down as fast as hops; his men, too, + were not sparing on their side. Oh, what a woeful sight it was! the field + was all over strewed with heaps of dead or wounded Chitterlings; and + history relates that had not heaven had a hand in it, the Chitterling + tribe had been totally routed out of the world by the culinary champions. + But there happened a wonderful thing, you may believe as little or as much + of it as you please. + </p> + <p> + From the north flew towards us a huge, fat, thick, grizzly swine, with + long and large wings, like those of a windmill; its plumes red crimson, + like those of a phenicoptere (which in Languedoc they call flaman); its + eyes were red, and flaming like a carbuncle; its ears green, like a Prasin + emerald; its teeth like a topaz; its tail long and black, like jet; its + feet white, diaphanous and transparent like a diamond, somewhat broad, and + of the splay kind, like those of geese, and as Queen Dick’s used to + be at Toulouse in the days of yore. About its neck it wore a gold collar, + round which were some Ionian characters, whereof I could pick out but two + words, US ATHENAN, hog-teaching Minerva. + </p> + <p> + The sky was clear before; but at that monster’s appearance it + changed so mightily for the worse that we were all amazed at it. As soon + as the Chitterlings perceived the flying hog, down they all threw their + weapons and fell on their knees, lifting up their hands joined together, + without speaking one word, in a posture of adoration. Friar John and his + party kept on mincing, felling, braining, mangling, and spitting the + Chitterlings like mad; but Pantagruel sounded a retreat, and all hostility + ceased. + </p> + <p> + The monster having several times hovered backwards and forwards between + the two armies, with a tail-shot voided above twenty-seven butts of + mustard on the ground; then flew away through the air, crying all the + while, Carnival, Carnival, Carnival. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0042" id="link42HCH0042"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XLII.—How Pantagruel held a treaty with Niphleseth, Queen + of the Chitterlings. + </h2> + <p> + The monster being out of sight, and the two armies remaining silent, + Pantagruel demanded a parley with the lady Niphleseth, Queen of the + Chitterlings, who was in her chariot by the standards; and it was easily + granted. The queen alighted, courteously received Pantagruel, and was glad + to see him. Pantagruel complained to her of this breach of peace; but she + civilly made her excuse, telling him that a false information had caused + all this mischief; her spies having brought her word that Shrovetide, + their mortal foe, was landed, and spent his time in examining the urine of + physeters. + </p> + <p> + She therefore entreated him to pardon them their offence, telling him that + sir-reverence was sooner found in Chitterlings than gall; and offering, + for herself and all her successors, to hold of him and his the whole + island and country; to obey him in all his commands, be friends to his + friends, and foes to his foes; and also to send every year, as an + acknowledgment of their homage, a tribute of seventy-eight thousand royal + Chitterlings, to serve him at his first course at table six months in the + year; which was punctually performed. For the next day she sent the + aforesaid quantity of royal Chitterlings to the good Gargantua, under the + conduct of young Niphleseth, infanta of the island. + </p> + <p> + The good Gargantua made a present of them to the great King of Paris. But + by change of air, and for want of mustard (the natural balsam and restorer + of Chitterlings), most of them died. By the great king’s particular + grant they were buried in heaps in a part of Paris to this day called La + Rue pavee d’Andouilles, the street paved with Chitterlings. At the + request of the ladies at his court young Niphleseth was preserved, + honourably used, and since that married to heart’s content; and was + the mother of many children, for which heaven be praised. + </p> + <p> + Pantagruel civilly thanked the queen, forgave all offences, refused the + offer she had made of her country, and gave her a pretty little knife. + After that he asked several nice questions concerning the apparition of + that flying hog. She answered that it was the idea of Carnival, their + tutelary god in time of war, first founder and original of all the + Chitterling race; for which reason he resembled a hog, for Chitterlings + drew their extraction from hogs. + </p> + <p> + Pantagruel asking to what purpose and curative indication he had voided so + much mustard on the earth, the queen replied that mustard was their + sanc-greal and celestial balsam, of which, laying but a little in the + wounds of the fallen Chitterlings, in a very short time the wounded were + healed and the dead restored to life. Pantagruel held no further discourse + with the queen, but retired a-shipboard. The like did all the boon + companions, with their implements of destruction and their huge sow. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0043" id="link42HCH0043"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XLIII.—How Pantagruel went into the island of Ruach. + </h2> + <p> + Two days after we arrived at the island of Ruach; and I swear to you, by + the celestial hen and chickens, that I found the way of living of the + people so strange and wonderful that I can’t, for the heart’s + blood of me, half tell it you. They live on nothing but wind, eat nothing + but wind, and drink nothing but wind. They have no other houses but + weathercocks. They sow no other seeds but the three sorts of windflowers, + rue, and herbs that may make one break wind to the purpose; these scour + them off carefully. The common sort of people to feed themselves make use + of feather, paper, or linen fans, according to their abilities. As for the + rich, they live by the means of windmills. + </p> + <p> + When they would have some noble treat, the tables are spread under one or + two windmills. There they feast as merry as beggars, and during the meal + their whole talk is commonly of the goodness, excellency, salubrity, and + rarity of winds; as you, jolly topers, in your cups philosophize and argue + upon wines. The one praises the south-east, the other the south-west; this + the west and by south, and this the east and by north; another the west, + and another the east; and so of the rest. As for lovers and amorous + sparks, no gale for them like a smock-gale. For the sick they use bellows + as we use clysters among us. + </p> + <p> + Oh! said to me a little diminutive swollen bubble, that I had now but a + bladderful of that same Languedoc wind which they call Cierce. The famous + physician, Scurron, passing one day by this country, was telling us that + it is so strong that it will make nothing of overturning a loaded waggon. + Oh! what good would it not do my Oedipodic leg. The biggest are not the + best; but, said Panurge, rather would I had here a large butt of that same + good Languedoc wine that grows at Mirevaux, Canteperdrix, and Frontignan. + </p> + <p> + I saw a good likely sort of a man there, much resembling Ventrose, tearing + and fuming in a grievous fret with a tall burly groom and a pimping little + page of his, laying them on, like the devil, with a buskin. Not knowing + the cause of his anger, at first I thought that all this was by the doctor’s + advice, as being a thing very healthy to the master to be in a passion and + to his man to be banged for it. But at last I heard him taxing his man + with stealing from him, like a rogue as he was, the better half of a large + leathern bag of an excellent southerly wind, which he had carefully laid + up, like a hidden reserve, against the cold weather. + </p> + <p> + They neither exonerate, dung, piss, nor spit in that island; but, to make + amends, they belch, fizzle, funk, and give tail-shots in abundance. They + are troubled with all manner of distempers; and, indeed, all distempers + are engendered and proceed from ventosities, as Hippocrates demonstrates, + lib. De Flatibus. But the most epidemical among them is the wind-cholic. + The remedies which they use are large clysters, whereby they void store of + windiness. They all die of dropsies and tympanies, the men farting and the + women fizzling; so that their soul takes her leave at the back-door. + </p> + <p> + Some time after, walking in the island, we met three hairbrained airy + fellows, who seemed mightily puffed up, and went to take their pastime and + view the plovers, who live on the same diet as themselves, and abound in + the island. I observed that, as your true topers when they travel carry + flasks, leathern bottles, and small runlets along with them, so each of + them had at his girdle a pretty little pair of bellows. If they happened + to want wind, by the help of those pretty bellows they immediately drew + some, fresh and cool, by attraction and reciprocal expulsion; for, as you + well know, wind essentially defined is nothing but fluctuating and + agitated air. + </p> + <p> + A while after, we were commanded, in the king’s name, not to receive + for three hours any man or woman of the country on board our ships; some + having stolen from him a rousing fart, of the very individual wind which + old goodman Aeolus the snorer gave Ulysses to conduct his ship whenever it + should happen to be becalmed. Which fart the king kept religiously, like + another sanc-greal, and performed a world of wonderful cures with it in + many dangerous diseases, letting loose and distributing to the patient + only as much of it as might frame a virginal fart; which is, if you must + know, what our sanctimonials, alias nuns, in their dialect call ringing + backwards. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0044" id="link42HCH0044"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XLIV.—How small rain lays a high wind. + </h2> + <p> + Pantagruel commended their government and way of living, and said to their + hypenemian mayor: If you approve Epicurus’s opinion, placing the + summum bonum in pleasure (I mean pleasure that’s easy and free from + toil), I esteem you happy; for your food being wind, costs you little or + nothing, since you need but blow. True, sir, returned the mayor; but, + alas! nothing is perfect here below; for too often when we are at table, + feeding on some good blessed wind of God as on celestial manna, merry as + so many friars, down drops on a sudden some small rain, which lays our + wind, and so robs us of it. Thus many a meal’s lost for want of + meat. + </p> + <p> + Just so, quoth Panurge, Jenin Toss-pot of Quinquenais, evacuating some + wine of his own burning on his wife’s posteriors, laid the ill-fumed + wind that blowed out of their centre as out of some magisterial Aeolipile. + Here is a kind of a whim on that subject which I made formerly: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +One evening when Toss-pot had been at his butts, +And Joan his fat spouse crammed with turnips her guts, +Together they pigged, nor did drink so besot him +But he did what was done when his daddy begot him. +Now when to recruit he’d fain have been snoring, +Joan’s back-door was filthily puffing and roaring; +So for spite he bepissed her, and quickly did find +That a very small rain lays a very high wind. +</pre> + <p> + We are also plagued yearly with a very great calamity, cried the mayor; + for a giant called Wide-nostrils, who lives in the island of Tohu, comes + hither every spring to purge, by the advice of his physicians, and + swallows us, like so many pills, a great number of windmills, and of + bellows also, at which his mouth waters exceedingly. + </p> + <p> + Now this is a sad mortification to us here, who are fain to fast over + three or four whole Lents every year for this, besides certain petty + Lents, ember weeks, and other orison and starving tides. And have you no + remedy for this? asked Pantagruel. By the advice of our Mezarims, replied + the mayor, about the time that he uses to give us a visit, we garrison our + windmills with good store of cocks and hens. The first time that the + greedy thief swallowed them, they had like to have done his business at + once; for they crowed and cackled in his maw, and fluttered up and down + athwart and along in his stomach, which threw the glutton into a lipothymy + cardiac passion and dreadful and dangerous convulsions, as if some + serpent, creeping in at his mouth, had been frisking in his stomach. + </p> + <p> + Here is a comparative as altogether incongruous and impertinent, cried + Friar John, interrupting them; for I have formerly heard that if a serpent + chance to get into a man’s stomach it will not do him the least + hurt, but will immediately get out if you do but hang the patient by the + heels and lay a panful of warm milk near his mouth. You were told this, + said Pantagruel, and so were those who gave you this account; but none + ever saw or read of such a cure. On the contrary, Hippocrates, in his + fifth book of Epidem, writes that such a case happening in his time the + patient presently died of a spasm and convulsion. + </p> + <p> + Besides the cocks and hens, said the mayor, continuing his story, all the + foxes in the country whipped into Wide-nostril’s mouth, posting + after the poultry; which made such a stir with Reynard at their heels, + that he grievously fell into fits each minute of an hour. + </p> + <p> + At last, by the advice of a Baden enchanter, at the time of the paroxysm + he used to flay a fox by way of antidote and counter-poison. Since that he + took better advice, and eases himself with taking a clyster made with a + decoction of wheat and barley corns, and of livers of goslings; to the + first of which the poultry run, and the foxes to the latter. Besides, he + swallows some of your badgers or fox-dogs by the way of pills and boluses. + This is our misfortune. + </p> + <p> + Cease to fear, good people, cried Pantagruel; this huge Wide-nostrils, + this same swallower of windmills, is no more, I will assure you; he died, + being stifled and choked with a lump of fresh butter at the mouth of a hot + oven, by the advice of his physicians. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0045" id="link42HCH0045"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XLV.—How Pantagruel went ashore in the island of + Pope-Figland. + </h2> + <p> + The next morning we arrived at the island of Pope-figs; formerly a rich + and free people, called the Gaillardets, but now, alas! miserably poor, + and under the yoke of the Papimen. The occasion of it was this: + </p> + <p> + On a certain yearly high holiday, the burgomaster, syndics, and topping + rabbies of the Gaillardets chanced to go into the neighbouring island + Papimany to see the festival and pass away the time. Now one of them + having espied the pope’s picture (with the sight of which, according + to a laudable custom, the people were blessed on high-offering holidays), + made mouths at it, and cried, A fig for it! as a sign of manifest contempt + and derision. To be revenged of this affront, the Papimen, some days + after, without giving the others the least warning, took arms, and + surprised, destroyed, and ruined the whole island of the Gaillardets; + putting the men to the sword, and sparing none but the women and children, + and those too only on condition to do what the inhabitants of Milan were + condemned to by the Emperor Frederick Barbarossa. + </p> + <p> + These had rebelled against him in his absence, and ignominiously turned + the empress out of the city, mounting her a-horseback on a mule called + Thacor, with her breech foremost towards the old jaded mule’s head, + and her face turned towards the crupper. Now Frederick being returned, + mastered them, and caused so careful a search to be made that he found out + and got the famous mule Thacor. Then the hangman by his order clapped a + fig into the mule’s jimcrack, in the presence of the enslaved cits + that were brought into the middle of the great market-place, and + proclaimed in the emperor’s name, with trumpets, that whosoever of + them would save his own life should publicly pull the fig out with his + teeth, and after that put it in again in the very individual cranny whence + he had draw’d it without using his hands, and that whoever refused + to do this should presently swing for it and die in his shoes. Some sturdy + fools, standing upon their punctilio, chose honourably to be hanged rather + than submit to so shameful and abominable a disgrace; and others, less + nice in point of ceremony, took heart of grace, and even resolved to have + at the fig, and a fig for’t, rather than make a worse figure with a + hempen collar, and die in the air at so short warning. Accordingly, when + they had neatly picked out the fig with their teeth from old Thacor’s + snatch-blatch, they plainly showed it the headsman, saying, Ecco lo fico, + Behold the fig! + </p> + <p> + By the same ignominy the rest of these poor distressed Gaillardets saved + their bacon, becoming tributaries and slaves, and the name of Pope-figs + was given them, because they said, A fig for the pope’s image. Since + this, the poor wretches never prospered, but every year the devil was at + their doors, and they were plagued with hail, storms, famine, and all + manner of woes, as an everlasting punishment for the sin of their + ancestors and relations. Perceiving the misery and calamity of that + generation, we did not care to go further up into the country, contenting + ourselves with going into a little chapel near the haven to take some holy + water. It was dilapidated and ruined, wanting also a cover—like + Saint Peter at Rome. When we were in, as we dipped our fingers in the + sanctified cistern, we spied in the middle of that holy pickle a fellow + muffled up with stoles, all under water, like a diving duck, except the + tip of his snout to draw his breath. About him stood three priests, true + shavelings, clean shorn and polled, who were muttering strange words to + the devils out of a conjuring book. + </p> + <p> + Pantagruel was not a little amazed at this, and inquiring what kind of + sport these were at, was told that for three years last past the plague + had so dreadfully raged in the island that the better half of it had been + utterly depopulated, and the lands lay fallow and unoccupied. Now, the + mortality being over, this same fellow who had crept into the holy tub, + having a large piece of ground, chanced to be sowing it with white winter + wheat at the very minute of an hour that a kind of a silly sucking devil, + who could not yet write or read, or hail and thunder, unless it were on + parsley or coleworts, and got leave of his master Lucifer to go into this + island of Pope-figs, where the devils were very familiar with the men and + women, and often went to take their pastime. + </p> + <p> + This same devil being got thither, directed his discourse to the + husbandman, and asked him what he was doing. The poor man told him that he + was sowing the ground with corn to help him to subsist the next year. Ay, + but the ground is none of thine, Mr. Plough-jobber, cried the devil, but + mine; for since the time that you mocked the pope all this land has been + proscribed, adjudged, and abandoned to us. However, to sow corn is not my + province; therefore I will give thee leave to sow the field, that is to + say, provided we share the profit. I will, replied the farmer. I mean, + said the devil, that of what the land shall bear, two lots shall be made, + one of what shall grow above ground, the other of what shall be covered + with earth. The right of choosing belongs to me; for I am a devil of noble + and ancient race; thou art a base clown. I therefore choose what shall lie + under ground, take thou what shall be above. When dost thou reckon to + reap, hah? About the middle of July, quoth the farmer. Well, said the + devil, I’ll not fail thee then; in the meantime, slave as thou + oughtest. Work, clown, work. I am going to tempt to the pleasing sin of + whoring the nuns of Dryfart, the sham saints of the cowl, and the + gluttonish crew. I am more than sure of these. They need but meet, and the + job is done; true fire and tinder, touch and take; down falls nun, and up + gets friar. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0046" id="link42HCH0046"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XLVI.—How a junior devil was fooled by a husbandman of + Pope-Figland. + </h2> + <p> + In the middle of July the devil came to the place aforesaid with all his + crew at his heels, a whole choir of the younger fry of hell; and having + met the farmer, said to him, Well, clodpate, how hast thou done since I + went? Thou and I must share the concern. Ay, master devil, quoth the + clown; it is but reason we should. Then he and his men began to cut and + reap the corn; and, on the other side, the devil’s imps fell to + work, grubbing up and pulling out the stubble by the root. + </p> + <p> + The countryman had his corn thrashed, winnowed it, put in into sacks, and + went with it to market. The same did the devil’s servants, and sat + them down there by the man to sell their straw. The countryman sold off + his corn at a good rate, and with the money filled an old kind of a + demi-buskin which was fastened to his girdle. But the devil a sou the + devils took; far from taking handsel, they were flouted and jeered by the + country louts. + </p> + <p> + Market being over, quoth the devil to the farmer, Well, clown, thou hast + choused me once, it is thy fault; chouse me twice, ‘twill be mine. + Nay, good sir devil, replied the farmer; how can I be said to have choused + you, since it was your worship that chose first? The truth is, that by + this trick you thought to cheat me, hoping that nothing would spring out + of the earth for my share, and that you should find whole underground the + corn which I had sowed, and with it tempt the poor and needy, the close + hypocrite, or the covetous griper; thus making them fall into your snares. + But troth, you must e’en go to school yet; you are no conjurer, for + aught I see; for the corn that was sow’d is dead and rotten, its + corruption having caused the generation of that which you saw me sell. So + you chose the worst, and therefore are cursed in the gospel. Well, talk no + more of it, quoth the devil; what canst thou sow our field with for next + year? If a man would make the best of it, answered the ploughman, ‘twere + fit he sow it with radish. Now, cried the devil, thou talkest like an + honest fellow, bumpkin. Well, sow me good store of radish, I’ll see + and keep them safe from storms, and will not hail a bit on them. But hark + ye me, this time I bespeak for my share what shall be above ground; what’s + under shall be thine. Drudge on, looby, drudge on. I am going to tempt + heretics; their souls are dainty victuals when broiled in rashers and well + powdered. My Lord Lucifer has the griping in the guts; they’ll make + a dainty warm dish for his honour’s maw. + </p> + <p> + When the season of radishes was come, our devil failed not to meet in the + field, with a train of rascally underlings, all waiting devils, and + finding there the farmer and his men, he began to cut and gather the + leaves of the radishes. After him the farmer with his spade dug up the + radishes, and clapped them up into pouches. This done, the devil, the + farmer, and their gangs, hied them to market, and there the farmer + presently made good money of his radishes; but the poor devil took + nothing; nay, what was worse, he was made a common laughing-stock by the + gaping hoidens. I see thou hast played me a scurvy trick, thou villainous + fellow, cried the angry devil; at last I am fully resolved even to make an + end of the business betwixt thee and myself about the ground, and these + shall be the terms: we will clapperclaw each other, and whoever of us two + shall first cry Hold, shall quit his share of the field, which shall + wholly belong to the conqueror. I fix the time for this trial of skill on + this day seven-night; assure thyself that I’ll claw thee off like a + devil. I was going to tempt your fornicators, bailiffs, perplexers of + causes, scriveners, forgers of deeds, two-handed counsellors, + prevaricating solicitors, and other such vermin; but they were so civil as + to send me word by an interpreter that they are all mine already. Besides, + our master Lucifer is so cloyed with their souls that he often sends them + back to the smutty scullions and slovenly devils of his kitchen, and they + scarce go down with them, unless now and then, when they are + high-seasoned. + </p> + <p> + Some say there is no breakfast like a student’s, no dinner like a + lawyer’s, no afternoon’s nunchion like a vine-dresser’s, + no supper like a tradesman’s, no second supper like a serving-wench’s, + and none of these meals equal to a frockified hobgoblin’s. All this + is true enough. Accordingly, at my Lord Lucifer’s first course, + hobgoblins, alias imps in cowls, are a standing dish. He willingly used to + breakfast on students; but, alas! I do not know by what ill luck they have + of late years joined the Holy Bible to their studies; so the devil a one + we can get down among us; and I verily believe that unless the hypocrites + of the tribe of Levi help us in it, taking from the enlightened + book-mongers their St. Paul, either by threats, revilings, force, + violence, fire, and faggot, we shall not be able to hook in any more of + them to nibble at below. He dines commonly on counsellors, + mischief-mongers, multipliers of lawsuits, such as wrest and pervert right + and law and grind and fleece the poor; he never fears to want any of + these. But who can endure to be wedded to a dish? + </p> + <p> + He said t’other day, at a full chapter, that he had a great mind to + eat the soul of one of the fraternity of the cowl that had forgot to speak + for himself in his sermon, and he promised double pay and a large pension + to anyone that should bring him such a titbit piping hot. We all went + a-hunting after such a rarity, but came home without the prey; for they + all admonish the good women to remember their convent. As for afternoon + nunchions, he has left them off since he was so woefully griped with the + colic; his fosterers, sutlers, charcoal-men, and boiling cooks having been + sadly mauled and peppered off in the northern countries. + </p> + <p> + His high devilship sups very well on tradesmen, usurers, apothecaries, + cheats, coiners, and adulterers of wares. Now and then, when he is on the + merry pin, his second supper is of serving-wenches who, after they have by + stealth soaked their faces with their master’s good liquor, fill up + the vessel with it at second hand, or with other stinking water. + </p> + <p> + Well, drudge on, boor, drudge on; I am going to tempt the students of + Trebisonde to leave father and mother, forego for ever the established and + common rule of living, disclaim and free themselves from obeying their + lawful sovereign’s edicts, live in absolute liberty, proudly despise + everyone, laugh at all mankind, and taking the fine jovial little cap of + poetic licence, become so many pretty hobgoblins. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0047" id="link42HCH0047"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XLVII.—How the devil was deceived by an old woman of + Pope-Figland. + </h2> + <p> + The country lob trudged home very much concerned and thoughtful, you may + swear; insomuch that his good woman, seeing him thus look moping, weened + that something had been stolen from him at market; but when she had heard + the cause of his affliction and seen his budget well lined with coin, she + bade him be of good cheer, assuring him that he would be never the worse + for the scratching bout in question; wishing him only to leave her to + manage that business, and not trouble his head about it; for she had + already contrived how to bring him off cleverly. Let the worst come to the + worst, said the husbandman, it will be but a scratch; for I’ll yield + at the first stroke, and quit the field. Quit a fart, replied the wife; he + shall have none of the field. Rely upon me, and be quiet; let me alone to + deal with him. You say he is a pimping little devil, that is enough; I + will soon make him give up the field, I will warrant you. Indeed, had he + been a great devil, it had been somewhat. + </p> + <p> + The day that we landed in the island happened to be that which the devil + had fixed for the combat. Now the countryman having, like a good Catholic, + very fairly confessed himself, and received betimes in the morning, by the + advice of the vicar had hid himself, all but the snout, in the holy-water + pot, in the posture in which we found him; and just as they were telling + us this story, news came that the old woman had fooled the devil and + gained the field. You may not be sorry, perhaps, to hear how this + happened. + </p> + <p> + The devil, you must know, came to the poor man’s door, and rapping + there, cried, So ho! ho, the house! ho, clodpate! where art thou? Come out + with a vengeance; come out with a wannion; come out and be damned; now for + clawing. Then briskly and resolutely entering the house, and not finding + the countryman there, he spied his wife lying on the ground, piteously + weeping and howling. What is the matter? asked the devil. Where is he? + what does he? Oh! that I knew where he is, replied threescore and five; + the wicked rogue, the butcherly dog, the murderer! He has spoiled me; I am + undone; I die of what he has done me. How, cried the devil, what is it? I’ll + tickle him off for you by-and-by. Alas! cried the old dissembler, he told + me, the butcher, the tyrant, the tearer of devils told me that he had made + a match to scratch with you this day, and to try his claws he did but just + touch me with his little finger here betwixt the legs, and has spoiled me + for ever. Oh! I am a dead woman; I shall never be myself again; do but + see! Nay, and besides, he talked of going to the smith’s to have his + pounces sharpened and pointed. Alas! you are undone, Mr. Devil; good sir, + scamper quickly, I am sure he won’t stay; save yourself, I beseech + you. While she said this she uncovered herself up to the chin, after the + manner in which the Persian women met their children who fled from the + fight, and plainly showed her what do ye call them. The frightened devil, + seeing the enormous solution of the continuity in all its dimensions, + blessed himself, and cried out, Mahon, Demiourgon, Megaera, Alecto, + Persephone! ‘slife, catch me here when he comes! I am gone! ‘sdeath, + what a gash! I resign him the field. + </p> + <p> + Having heard the catastrophe of the story, we retired a-shipboard, not + being willing to stay there any longer. Pantagruel gave to the poor’s + box of the fabric of the church eighteen thousand good royals, in + commiseration of the poverty of the people and the calamity of the place. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0048" id="link42HCH0048"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XLVIII.—How Pantagruel went ashore at the island of + Papimany. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link4image-0016" id="link4image-0016"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/4-48-496.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="The Devil Came to the Place--4-48-496" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + Having left the desolate island of the Pope-figs, we sailed for the space + of a day very fairly and merrily, and made the blessed island of Papimany. + As soon as we had dropt anchor in the road, before we had well moored our + ship with ground-tackle, four persons in different garbs rowed towards us + in a skiff. One of them was dressed like a monk in his frock, + draggle-tailed, and booted; the other like a falconer, with a lure, and a + long-winged hawk on his fist; the third like a solicitor, with a large + bag, full of informations, subpoenas, breviates, bills, writs, cases, and + other implements of pettifogging; the fourth looked like one of your + vine-barbers about Ocleans, with a jaunty pair of canvas trousers, a + dosser, and a pruning knife at his girdle. + </p> + <p> + As soon as the boat had clapped them on board, they all with one voice + asked, Have you seen him, good passengers, have you seen him? Who? asked + Pantagruel. You know who, answered they. Who is it? asked Friar John. + 'Sblood and ‘ounds, I’ll thrash him thick and threefold. This + he said thinking that they inquired after some robber, murderer, or + church-breaker. Oh, wonderful! cried the four; do not you foreign people + know the one? Sirs, replied Epistemon, we do not understand those terms; + but if you will be pleased to let us know who you mean, we will tell you + the truth of the matter without any more ado. We mean, said they, he that + is. Did you ever see him? He that is, returned Pantagruel, according to + our theological doctrine, is God, who said to Moses, I am that I am. We + never saw him, nor can he be beheld by mortal eyes. We mean nothing less + than that supreme God who rules in heaven, replied they; we mean the god + on earth. Did you ever see him? Upon my honour, replied Carpalin, they + mean the pope. Ay, ay, answered Panurge; yea, verily, gentlemen, I have + seen three of them, whose sight has not much bettered me. How! cried they, + our sacred decretals inform us that there never is more than one living. I + mean successively, one after the other, returned Panurge; otherwise I + never saw more than one at a time. + </p> + <p> + O thrice and four times happy people! cried they; you are welcome, and + more than double welcome! They then kneeled down before us and would have + kissed our feet, but we would not suffer it, telling them that should the + pope come thither in his own person, ‘tis all they could do to him. + No, certainly, answered they, for we have already resolved upon the + matter. We would kiss his bare arse without boggling at it, and eke his + two pounders; for he has a pair of them, the holy father, that he has; we + find it so by our fine decretals, otherwise he could not be pope. So that, + according to our subtle decretaline philosophy, this is a necessary + consequence: he is pope; therefore he has genitories, and should + genitories no more be found in the world, the world could no more have a + pope. + </p> + <p> + While they were talking thus, Pantagruel inquired of one of the coxswain’s + crew who those persons were. He answered that they were the four estates + of the island, and added that we should be made as welcome as princes, + since we had seen the pope. Panurge having been acquainted with this by + Pantagruel, said to him in his ear, I swear and vow, sir, ‘tis even + so; he that has patience may compass anything. Seeing the pope had done us + no good; now, in the devil’s name, ‘twill do us a great deal. + We then went ashore, and the whole country, men, women, and children, came + to meet us as in a solemn procession. Our four estates cried out to them + with a loud voice, They have seen him! they have seen him! they have seen + him! That proclamation being made, all the mob kneeled before us, lifting + up their hands towards heaven, and crying, O happy men! O most happy! and + this acclamation lasted above a quarter of an hour. + </p> + <p> + Then came the Busby (!) of the place, with all his pedagogues, ushers, and + schoolboys, whom he magisterially flogged, as they used to whip children + in our country formerly when some criminal was hanged, that they might + remember it. This displeased Pantagruel, who said to them, Gentlemen, if + you do not leave off whipping these poor children, I am gone. The people + were amazed, hearing his stentorian voice; and I saw a little hump with + long fingers say to the hypodidascal, What, in the name of wonder! do all + those that see the pope grow as tall as yon huge fellow that threatens us? + Ah! how I shall think time long till I have seen him too, that I may grow + and look as big. In short, the acclamations were so great that Homenas (so + they called their bishop) hastened thither on an unbridled mule with green + trappings, attended by his apposts (as they said) and his supposts, or + officers bearing crosses, banners, standards, canopies, torches, + holy-water pots, &c. He too wanted to kiss our feet (as the good + Christian Valfinier did to Pope Clement), saying that one of their + hypothetes, that’s one of the scavengers, scourers, and commentators + of their holy decretals, had written that, in the same manner as the + Messiah, so long and so much expected by the Jews, at last appeared among + them; so, on some happy day of God, the pope would come into that island; + and that, while they waited for that blessed time, if any who had seen him + at Rome or elsewhere chanced to come among them, they should be sure to + make much of them, feast them plentifully, and treat them with a great + deal of reverence. However, we civilly desired to be excused. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0049" id="link42HCH0049"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.XLIX.—How Homenas, Bishop of Papimany, showed us the + Uranopet decretals. + </h2> + <p> + Homenas then said to us: ‘Tis enjoined us by our holy decretals to + visit churches first and taverns after. Therefore, not to decline that + fine institution, let us go to church; we will afterwards go and feast + ourselves. Man of God, quoth Friar John, do you go before, we’ll + follow you. You spoke in the matter properly, and like a good Christian; + ‘tis long since we saw any such. For my part, this rejoices my mind + very much, and I verily believe that I shall have the better stomach after + it. Well, 'tis a happy thing to meet with good men! Being come near the + gate of the church, we spied a huge thick book, gilt, and covered all over + with precious stones, as rubies, emeralds, (diamonds,) and pearls, more, + or at least as valuable as those which Augustus consecrated to Jupiter + Capitolinus. This book hanged in the air, being fastened with two thick + chains of gold to the zoophore of the porch. We looked on it and admired + it. As for Pantagruel, he handled it and dandled it and turned it as he + pleased, for he could reach it without straining; and he protested that + whenever he touched it, he was seized with a pleasant tickling at his + fingers’ end, new life and activity in his arms, and a violent + temptation in his mind to beat one or two sergeants, or such officers, + provided they were not of the shaveling kind. Homenas then said to us, The + law was formerly given to the Jews by Moses, written by God himself. At + Delphos, before the portal of Apollo’s temple, this sentence, GNOTHI + SEAUTON, was found written with a divine hand. And some time after it, EI + was also seen, and as divinely written and transmitted from heaven. Cybele’s + image was brought out of heaven, into a field called Pessinunt, in + Phrygia; so was that of Diana to Tauris, if you will believe Euripides; + the oriflamme, or holy standard, was transmitted out of heaven to the + noble and most Christian kings of France, to fight against the + unbelievers. In the reign of Numa Pompilius, second King of the Romans, + the famous copper buckler called Ancile was seen to descend from heaven. + At Acropolis, near Athens, Minerva’s statue formerly fell from the + empyreal heaven. In like manner the sacred decretals which you see were + written with the hand of an angel of the cherubim kind. You outlandish + people will hardly believe this, I fear. Little enough, of conscience, + said Panurge. And then, continued Homenas, they were miraculously + transmitted to us here from the very heaven of heavens; in the same manner + as the river Nile is called Diipetes by Homer, the father of all + philosophy—the holy decretals always excepted. Now, because you have + seen the pope, their evangelist and everlasting protector, we will give + you leave to see and kiss them on the inside, if you think meet. But then + you must fast three days before, and canonically confess; nicely and + strictly mustering up and inventorizing your sins, great and small, so + thick that one single circumstance of them may not escape you; as our holy + decretals, which you see, direct. This will take up some time. Man of God, + answered Panurge, we have seen and descried decrees, and eke decretals + enough o’ conscience; some on paper, other on parchment, fine and + gay like any painted paper lantern, some on vellum, some in manuscript, + and others in print; so you need not take half these pains to show us + these. We’ll take the goodwill for the deed, and thank you as much + as if we had. Ay, marry, said Homenas, but you never saw these that are + angelically written. Those in your country are only transcripts from ours; + as we find it written by one of our old decretaline scholiasts. For me, do + not spare me; I do not value the labour, so I may serve you. Do but tell + me whether you will be confessed and fast only three short little days of + God? As for shriving, answered Panurge, there can be no great harm in’t; + but this same fasting, master of mine, will hardly down with us at this + time, for we have so very much overfasted ourselves at sea that the + spiders have spun their cobwebs over our grinders. Do but look on this + good Friar John des Entomeures (Homenas then courteously demi-clipped him + about the neck), some moss is growing in his throat for want of bestirring + and exercising his chaps. He speaks the truth, vouched Friar John; I have + so much fasted that I’m almost grown hump-shouldered. Come, then, + let’s go into the church, said Homenas; and pray forgive us if for + the present we do not sing you a fine high mass. The hour of midday is + past, and after it our sacred decretals forbid us to sing mass, I mean + your high and lawful mass. But I’ll say a low and dry one for you. I + had rather have one moistened with some good Anjou wine, cried Panurge; + fall to, fall to your low mass, and despatch. Ods-bodikins, quoth Friar + John, it frets me to the guts that I must have an empty stomach at this + time of day; for, had I eaten a good breakfast and fed like a monk, if he + should chance to sing us the Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine, I had then + brought thither bread and wine for the traits passes (those that are gone + before). Well, patience; pull away, and save tide; short and sweet, I pray + you, and this for a cause. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0050" id="link42HCH0050"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.L.—How Homenas showed us the archetype, or representation + of a pope. + </h2> + <p> + Mass being mumbled over, Homenas took a huge bundle of keys out of a trunk + near the head altar, and put thirty-two of them into so many keyholes; put + back so many springs; then with fourteen more mastered so many padlocks, + and at last opened an iron window strongly barred above the said altar. + This being done, in token of great mystery he covered himself with wet + sackcloth, and drawing a curtain of crimson satin, showed us an image + daubed over, coarsely enough, to my thinking; then he touched it with a + pretty long stick, and made us all kiss the part of the stick that had + touched the image. After this he said unto us, What think you of this + image? It is the likeness of a pope, answered Pantagruel; I know it by the + triple crown, his furred amice, his rochet, and his slipper. You are in + the right, said Homenas; it is the idea of that same good god on earth + whose coming we devoutly await, and whom we hope one day to see in this + country. O happy, wished-for, and much-expected day! and happy, most happy + you, whose propitious stars have so favoured you as to let you see the + living and real face of this good god on earth! by the single sight of + whose picture we obtain full remission of all the sins which we remember + that we have committed, as also a third part and eighteen quarantaines of + the sins which we have forgot; and indeed we only see it on high annual + holidays. + </p> + <p> + This caused Pantagruel to say that it was a work like those which Daedalus + used to make, since, though it were deformed and ill drawn, nevertheless + some divine energy, in point of pardons, lay hid and concealed in it. + Thus, said Friar John, at Seuille, the rascally beggars being one evening + on a solemn holiday at supper in the spital, one bragged of having got six + blancs, or twopence halfpenny; another eight liards, or twopence; a third, + seven caroluses, or sixpence; but an old mumper made his vaunts of having + got three testons, or five shillings. Ah, but, cried his comrades, thou + hast a leg of God; as if, continued Friar John, some divine virtue could + lie hid in a stinking ulcerated rotten shank. Pray, said Pantagruel, when + you are for telling us some such nauseous tale, be so kind as not to + forget to provide a basin, Friar John; I’ll assure you, I had much + ado to forbear bringing up my breakfast. Fie! I wonder a man of your coat + is not ashamed to use thus the sacred name of God in speaking of things so + filthy and abominable! fie, I say. If among your monking tribes such an + abuse of words is allowed, I beseech you leave it there, and do not let it + come out of the cloisters. Physicians, said Epistemon, thus attribute a + kind of divinity to some diseases. Nero also extolled mushrooms, and, in a + Greek proverb, termed them divine food, because with them he had poisoned + Claudius his predecessor. But methinks, gentlemen, this same picture is + not over-like our late popes. For I have seen them, not with their + pallium, amice, or rochet on, but with helmets on their heads, more like + the top of a Persian turban; and while the Christian commonwealth was in + peace, they alone were most furiously and cruelly making war. This must + have been then, returned Homenas, against the rebellious, heretical + Protestants; reprobates who are disobedient to the holiness of this good + god on earth. ‘Tis not only lawful for him to do so, but it is + enjoined him by the sacred decretals; and if any dare transgress one + single iota against their commands, whether they be emperors, kings, + dukes, princes, or commonwealths, he is immediately to pursue them with + fire and sword, strip them of all their goods, take their kingdoms from + them, proscribe them, anathematize them, and destroy not only their + bodies, those of their children, relations, and others, but damn also + their souls to the very bottom of the most hot and burning cauldron in + hell. Here, in the devil’s name, said Panurge, the people are no + heretics; such as was our Raminagrobis, and as they are in Germany and + England. You are Christians of the best edition, all picked and culled, + for aught I see. Ay, marry are we, returned Homenas, and for that reason + we shall all be saved. Now let us go and bless ourselves with holy water, + and then to dinner. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0051" id="link42HCH0051"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.LI.—Table-talk in praise of the decretals. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link4image-0017" id="link4image-0017"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/4-51-500.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Appointed Cows to Furnish Milk--4-51-500" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + Now, topers, pray observe that while Homenas was saying his dry mass, + three collectors, or licensed beggars of the church, each of them with a + large basin, went round among the people, with a loud voice: Pray remember + the blessed men who have seen his face. As we came out of the temple they + brought their basins brimful of Papimany chink to Homenas, who told us + that it was plentifully to feast with; and that, of this contribution and + voluntary tax, one part should be laid out in good drinking, another in + good eating, and the remainder in both, according to an admirable + exposition hidden in a corner of their holy decretals; which was performed + to a T, and that at a noted tavern not much unlike that of Will’s at + Amiens. Believe me, we tickled it off there with copious cramming and + numerous swilling. + </p> + <p> + I made two notable observations at that dinner: the one, that there was + not one dish served up, whether of cabrittas, capons, hogs (of which + latter there is great plenty in Papimany), pigeons, coneys, leverets, + turkeys, or others, without abundance of magistral stuff; the other, that + every course, and the fruit also, were served up by unmarried females of + the place, tight lasses, I’ll assure you, waggish, fair, + good-conditioned, and comely, spruce, and fit for business. They were all + clad in fine long white albs, with two girts; their hair interwoven with + narrow tape and purple ribbon, stuck with roses, gillyflowers, marjoram, + daffadowndillies, thyme, and other sweet flowers. + </p> + <p> + At every cadence they invited us to drink and bang it about, dropping us + neat and genteel courtesies; nor was the sight of them unwelcome to all + the company; and as for Friar John, he leered on them sideways, like a cur + that steals a capon. When the first course was taken off, the females + melodiously sung us an epode in the praise of the sacrosanct decretals; + and then the second course being served up, Homenas, joyful and cheery, + said to one of the she-butlers, Light here, Clerica. Immediately one of + the girls brought him a tall-boy brimful of extravagant wine. He took fast + hold of it, and fetching a deep sigh, said to Pantagruel, My lord, and + you, my good friends, here’s t’ye, with all my heart; you are + all very welcome. When he had tipped that off, and given the tall-boy to + the pretty creature, he lifted up his voice and said, O most holy + decretals, how good is good wine found through your means! This is the + best jest we have had yet, observed Panurge. But it would still be a + better, said Pantagruel, if they could turn bad wine into good. + </p> + <p> + O seraphic Sextum! continued Homenas, how necessary are you not to the + salvation of poor mortals! O cherubic Clementinae! how perfectly the + perfect institution of a true Christian is contained and described in you! + O angelical Extravagantes! how many poor souls that wander up and down in + mortal bodies through this vale of misery would perish were it not for + you! When, ah! when shall this special gift of grace be bestowed on + mankind, as to lay aside all other studies and concerns, to use you, to + peruse you, to understand you, to know you by heart, to practise you, to + incorporate you, to turn you into blood, and incentre you into the deepest + ventricles of their brains, the inmost marrow of their bones, and most + intricate labyrinth of their arteries? Then, ah! then, and no sooner than + then, nor otherwise than thus, shall the world be happy! While the old man + was thus running on, Epistemon rose and softly said to Panurge: For want + of a close-stool, I must even leave you for a moment or two; this stuff + has unbunged the orifice of my mustard-barrel; but I’ll not tarry + long. + </p> + <p> + Then, ah! then, continued Homenas, no hail, frost, ice, snow, overflowing, + or vis major; then plenty of all earthly goods here below. Then + uninterrupted and eternal peace through the universe, an end of all wars, + plunderings, drudgeries, robbing, assassinates, unless it be to destroy + these cursed rebels the heretics. Oh! then, rejoicing, cheerfulness, + jollity, solace, sports, and delicious pleasures, over the face of the + earth. Oh! what great learning, inestimable erudition, and god-like + precepts are knit, linked, rivetted, and mortised in the divine chapters + of these eternal decretals! + </p> + <p> + Oh! how wonderfully, if you read but one demi-canon, short paragraph, or + single observation of these sacrosanct decretals, how wonderfully, I say, + do you not perceive to kindle in your hearts a furnace of divine love, + charity towards your neighbour (provided he be no heretic), bold contempt + of all casual and sublunary things, firm content in all your affections, + and ecstatic elevation of soul even to the third heaven. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0052" id="link42HCH0052"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.LII.—A continuation of the miracles caused by the + decretals. + </h2> + <p> + Wisely, brother Timothy, quoth Panurge, did am, did am; he says blew; but, + for my part, I believe as little of it as I can. For one day by chance I + happened to read a chapter of them at Poictiers, at the most + decretalipotent Scotch doctor’s, and old Nick turn me into + bumfodder, if this did not make me so hide-bound and costive, that for + four or five days I hardly scumbered one poor butt of sir-reverence; and + that, too, was full as dry and hard, I protest, as Catullus tells us were + those of his neighbour Furius: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Nec toto decies cacas in anno, +Atque id durius est faba, et lapillis: +Quod tu si manibus teras, fricesque, +Non unquam digitum inquinare posses. +</pre> + <p> + Oh, ho! cried Homenas; by’r lady, it may be you were then in the + state of mortal sin, my friend. Well turned, cried Panurge; this was a new + strain, egad. + </p> + <p> + One day, said Friar John, at Seuille, I had applied to my posteriors, by + way of hind-towel, a leaf of an old Clementinae which our rent-gatherer, + John Guimard, had thrown out into the green of our cloister. Now the devil + broil me like a black pudding, if I wasn’t so abominably plagued + with chaps, chawns, and piles at the fundament, that the orifice of my + poor nockandroe was in a most woeful pickle for I don’t know how + long. By’r our lady, cried Homenas, it was a plain punishment of God + for the sin that you had committed in beraying that sacred book, which you + ought rather to have kissed and adored; I say with an adoration of latria, + or of hyperdulia at least. The Panormitan never told a lie in the matter. + </p> + <p> + Saith Ponocrates: At Montpelier, John Chouart having bought of the monks + of St. Olary a delicate set of decretals, written on fine large parchment + of Lamballe, to beat gold between the leaves, not so much as a piece that + was beaten in them came to good, but all were dilacerated and spoiled. + Mark this! cried Homenas; ‘twas a divine punishment and vengeance. + </p> + <p> + At Mans, said Eudemon, Francis Cornu, apothecary, had turned an old set of + Extravagantes into waste paper. May I never stir, if whatever was lapped + up in them was not immediately corrupted, rotten, and spoiled; incense, + pepper, cloves, cinnamon, saffron, wax, cassia, rhubarb, tamarinds, all + drugs and spices, were lost without exception. Mark, mark, quoth Homenas, + an effect of divine justice! This comes of putting the sacred Scriptures + to such profane uses. + </p> + <p> + At Paris, said Carpalin, Snip Groignet the tailor had turned an old + Clementinae into patterns and measures, and all the clothes that were cut + on them were utterly spoiled and lost; gowns, hoods, cloaks, cassocks, + jerkins, jackets, waistcoats, capes, doublets, petticoats, corps de robes, + farthingales, and so forth. Snip, thinking to cut a hood, would cut you + out a codpiece; instead of a cassock he would make you a high-crowned hat; + for a waistcoat he’d shape you out a rochet; on the pattern of a + doublet he’d make you a thing like a frying-pan. Then his journeymen + having stitched it up did jag it and pink it at the bottom, and so it + looked like a pan to fry chestnuts. Instead of a cape he made a buskin; + for a farthingale he shaped a montero cap; and thinking to make a cloak, + he’d cut out a pair of your big out-strouting Swiss breeches, with + panes like the outside of a tabor. Insomuch that Snip was condemned to + make good the stuffs to all his customers; and to this day poor Cabbage’s + hair grows through his hood and his arse through his pocket-holes. Mark, + an effect of heavenly wrath and vengeance! cried Homenas. + </p> + <p> + At Cahusac, said Gymnast, a match being made by the lords of Estissac and + Viscount Lausun to shoot at a mark, Perotou had taken to pieces a set of + decretals and set one of the leaves for the white to shoot at. Now I sell, + nay, I give and bequeath for ever and aye, the mould of my doublet to + fifteen hundred hampers full of black devils, if ever any archer in the + country (though they are singular marksmen in Guienne) could hit the + white. Not the least bit of the holy scribble was contaminated or touched; + nay, and Sansornin the elder, who held stakes, swore to us, figues + dioures, hard figs (his greatest oath), that he had openly, visibly, and + manifestly seen the bolt of Carquelin moving right to the round circle in + the middle of the white; and that just on the point, when it was going to + hit and enter, it had gone aside above seven foot and four inches wide of + it towards the bakehouse. + </p> + <p> + Miracle! cried Homenas, miracle! miracle! Clerica, come wench, light, + light here. Here’s to you all, gentlemen; I vow you seem to me very + sound Christians. While he said this, the maidens began to snicker at his + elbow, grinning, giggling, and twittering among themselves. Friar John + began to paw, neigh, and whinny at the snout’s end, as one ready to + leap, or at least to play the ass, and get up and ride tantivy to the + devil like a beggar on horseback. + </p> + <p> + Methinks, said Pantagruel, a man might have been more out of danger near + the white of which Gymnast spoke than was formerly Diogenes near another. + How is that? asked Homenas; what was it? Was he one of our decretalists? + Rarely fallen in again, egad, said Epistemon, returning from stool; I see + he will hook his decretals in, though by the head and shoulders. + </p> + <p> + Diogenes, said Pantagruel, one day for pastime went to see some archers + that shot at butts, one of whom was so unskilful, that when it was his + turn to shoot all the bystanders went aside, lest he should mistake them + for the mark. Diogenes had seen him shoot extremely wide of it; so when + the other was taking aim a second time, and the people removed at a great + distance to the right and left of the white, he placed himself close by + the mark, holding that place to be the safest, and that so bad an archer + would certainly rather hit any other. + </p> + <p> + One of the Lord d’Estissac’s pages at last found out the + charm, pursued Gymnast, and by his advice Perotou put in another white + made up of some papers of Pouillac’s lawsuit, and then everyone shot + cleverly. + </p> + <p> + At Landerousse, said Rhizotome, at John Delif’s wedding were very + great doings, as ‘twas then the custom of the country. After supper + several farces, interludes, and comical scenes were acted; they had also + several morris-dancers with bells and tabors, and divers sorts of masks + and mummers were let in. My schoolfellows and I, to grace the festival to + the best of our power (for fine white and purple liveries had been given + to all of us in the morning), contrived a merry mask with store of + cockle-shells, shells of snails, periwinkles, and such other. Then for + want of cuckoo-pint, or priest-pintle, lousebur, clote, and paper, we made + ourselves false faces with the leaves of an old Sextum that had been + thrown by and lay there for anyone that would take it up, cutting out + holes for the eyes, nose, and mouth. Now, did you ever hear the like since + you were born? When we had played our little boyish antic tricks, and came + to take off our sham faces, we appeared more hideous and ugly than the + little devils that acted the Passion at Douay; for our faces were utterly + spoiled at the places which had been touched by those leaves. One had + there the small-pox; another, God’s token, or the plague-spot; a + third, the crinckums; a fourth, the measles; a fifth, botches, pushes, and + carbuncles; in short, he came off the least hurt who only lost his teeth + by the bargain. Miracle! bawled out Homenas, miracle! + </p> + <p> + Hold, hold! cried Rhizotome; it is not yet time to clap. My sister Kate + and my sister Ren had put the crepines of their hoods, their ruffles, + snuffekins, and neck-ruffs new washed, starched, and ironed, into that + very book of decretals; for, you must know, it was covered with thick + boards and had strong clasps. Now, by the virtue of God—Hold, + interrupted Homenas, what god do you mean? There is but one, answered + Rhizotome. In heaven, I grant, replied Homenas; but we have another here + on earth, do you see? Ay, marry have we, said Rhizotome; but on my soul I + protest I had quite forgot it. Well then, by the virtue of god the pope, + their pinners, neck-ruffs, bib, coifs, and other linen turned as black as + a charcoal-man’s sack. Miracle! cried Homenas. Here, Clerica, light + me here; and prithee, girl, observe these rare stories. How comes it to + pass then, asked Friar John, that people say, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Ever since decrees had tails, +And gendarmes lugged heavy mails, +Since each monk would have a horse, +All went here from bad to worse. +</pre> + <p> + I understand you, answered Homenas; this is one of the quirks and little + satires of the new-fangled heretics. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0053" id="link42HCH0053"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.LIII.—How by the virtue of the decretals, gold is + subtilely drawn out of France to Rome. + </h2> + <p> + I would, said Epistemon, it had cost me a pint of the best tripe that ever + can enter into gut, so we had but compared with the original the dreadful + chapters, Execrabilis, De multa, Si plures; De annatis per totum; Nisi + essent; Cum ad monasterium; Quod delectio; Mandatum; and certain others, + that draw every year out of France to Rome four hundred thousand ducats + and more. + </p> + <p> + Do you make nothing of this? asked Homenas. Though, methinks, after all, + it is but little, if we consider that France, the most Christian, is the + only nurse the see of Rome has. However, find me in the whole world a + book, whether of philosophy, physic, law, mathematics, or other humane + learning, nay, even, by my God, of the Holy Scripture itself, will draw as + much money thence? None, none, psha, tush, blurt, pish; none can. You may + look till your eyes drop out of your head, nay, till doomsday in the + afternoon, before you can find another of that energy; I’ll pass my + word for that. + </p> + <p> + Yet these devilish heretics refuse to learn and know it. Burn ‘em, + tear 'em, nip ‘em with hot pincers, drown ‘em, hang ‘em, + spit ‘em at the bunghole, pelt ‘em, paut ‘em, bruise + ‘em, beat ‘em, cripple ‘em, dismember 'em, cut ‘em, + gut ‘em, bowel ‘em, paunch ‘em, thrash ‘em, slash + ‘em, gash 'em, chop ‘em, slice ‘em, slit ‘em, + carve ‘em, saw ‘em, bethwack ‘em, pare 'em, hack ‘em, + hew ‘em, mince ‘em, flay ‘em, boil ‘em, broil + ‘em, roast 'em, toast ‘em, bake ‘em, fry ‘em, + crucify ‘em, crush ‘em, squeeze ‘em, grind ‘em, + batter ‘em, burst ‘em, quarter ‘em, unlimb ‘em, + behump ‘em, bethump ‘em, belam ‘em, belabour ‘em, + pepper ‘em, spitchcock ‘em, and carbonade ‘em on + gridirons, these wicked heretics! decretalifuges, decretalicides, worse + than homicides, worse than patricides, decretalictones of the devil of + hell. + </p> + <p> + As for you other good people, I must earnestly pray and beseech you to + believe no other thing, to think on, say, undertake, or do no other thing, + than what’s contained in our sacred decretals and their corollaries, + this fine Sextum, these fine Clementinae, these fine Extravagantes. O + deific books! So shall you enjoy glory, honour, exaltation, wealth, + dignities, and preferments in this world; be revered and dreaded by all, + preferred, elected, and chosen above all men. + </p> + <p> + For there is not under the cope of heaven a condition of men out of which + you’ll find persons fitter to do and handle all things than those + who by divine prescience, eternal predestination, have applied themselves + to the study of the holy decretals. + </p> + <p> + Would you choose a worthy emperor, a good captain, a fit general in time + of war, one that can well foresee all inconveniences, avoid all dangers, + briskly and bravely bring his men on to a breach or attack, still be on + sure grounds, always overcome without loss of his men, and know how to + make a good use of his victory? Take me a decretist. No, no, I mean a + decretalist. Ho, the foul blunder, whispered Epistemon. + </p> + <p> + Would you, in time of peace, find a man capable of wisely governing the + state of a commonwealth, of a kingdom, of an empire, of a monarchy; + sufficient to maintain the clergy, nobility, senate, and commons in + wealth, friendship, unity, obedience, virtue, and honesty? Take a + decretalist. + </p> + <p> + Would you find a man who, by his exemplary life, eloquence, and pious + admonitions, may in a short time, without effusion of human blood, conquer + the Holy Land, and bring over to the holy Church the misbelieving Turks, + Jews, Tartars, Muscovites, Mamelukes, and Sarrabonites? Take me a + decretalist. + </p> + <p> + What makes, in many countries, the people rebellious and depraved, pages + saucy and mischievous, students sottish and duncical? Nothing but that + their governors and tutors were not decretalists. + </p> + <p> + But what, on your conscience, was it, do you think, that established, + confirmed, and authorized those fine religious orders with whom you see + the Christian world everywhere adorned, graced, and illustrated, as the + firmament is with its glorious stars? The holy decretals. + </p> + <p> + What was it that founded, underpropped, and fixed, and now maintains, + nourishes, and feeds the devout monks and friars in convents, monasteries, + and abbeys; so that did they not daily and mightily pray without ceasing, + the world would be in evident danger of returning to its primitive chaos? + The sacred decretals. + </p> + <p> + What makes and daily increases the famous and celebrated patrimony of St. + Peter in plenty of all temporal, corporeal, and spiritual blessings? The + holy decretals. + </p> + <p> + What made the holy apostolic see and pope of Rome, in all times, and at + this present, so dreadful in the universe, that all kings, emperors, + potentates, and lords, willing, nilling, must depend upon him, hold of + him, be crowned, confirmed, and authorized by him, come thither to strike + sail, buckle, and fall down before his holy slipper, whose picture you + have seen? The mighty decretals of God. + </p> + <p> + I will discover you a great secret. The universities of your world have + commonly a book, either open or shut, in their arms and devices; what book + do you think it is? Truly, I do not know, answered Pantagruel; I never + read it. It is the decretals, said Homenas, without which the privileges + of all universities would soon be lost. You must own that I have taught + you this; ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! + </p> + <p> + Here Homenas began to belch, to fart, to funk, to laugh, to slaver, and to + sweat; and then he gave his huge greasy four-cornered cap to one of the + lasses, who clapped it on her pretty head with a great deal of joy, after + she had lovingly bussed it, as a sure token that she should be first + married. Vivat, cried Epistemon, fifat, bibat, pipat. + </p> + <p> + O apocalyptic secret! continued Homenas; light, light, Clerica; light here + with double lanterns. Now for the fruit, virgins. + </p> + <p> + I was saying, then, that giving yourselves thus wholly to the study of the + holy decretals, you will gain wealth and honour in this world. I add, that + in the next you will infallibly be saved in the blessed kingdom of heaven, + whose keys are given to our good god and decretaliarch. O my good god, + whom I adore and never saw, by thy special grace open unto us, at the + point of death at least, this most sacred treasure of our holy Mother + Church, whose protector, preserver, butler, chief-larder, administrator, + and disposer thou art; and take care, I beseech thee, O lord, that the + precious works of supererogation, the goodly pardons, do not fail us in + time of need; so that the devils may not find an opportunity to gripe our + precious souls, and the dreadful jaws of hell may not swallow us. If we + must pass through purgatory thy will be done. It is in thy power to draw + us out of it when thou pleasest. Here Homenas began to shed huge hot briny + tears, to beat his breast, and kiss his thumbs in the shape of a cross. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0054" id="link42HCH0054"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.LIV.—How Homenas gave Pantagruel some bon-Christian pears. + </h2> + <p> + Epistemon, Friar John, and Panurge, seeing this doleful catastrophe, + began, under the cover of their napkins, to cry Meeow, meeow, meeow; + feigning to wipe their eyes all the while as if they had wept. The wenches + were doubly diligent, and brought brimmers of Clementine wine to every + one, besides store of sweetmeats; and thus the feasting was revived. + </p> + <p> + Before we arose from table, Homenas gave us a great quantity of fair large + pears, saying, Here, my good friends, these are singular good pears. You + will find none such anywhere else, I dare warrant. Every soil bears not + everything, you know. India alone boasts black ebony; the best incense is + produced in Sabaea; the sphragitid earth at Lemnos; so this island is the + only place where such fine pears grow. You may, if you please, make + seminaries with their pippins in your country. + </p> + <p> + I like their taste extremely, said Pantagruel. If they were sliced, and + put into a pan on the fire with wine and sugar, I fancy they would be very + wholesome meat for the sick, as well as for the healthy. Pray what do you + call ‘em? No otherwise than you have heard, replied Homenas. We are + a plain downright sort of people, as God would have it, and call figs, + figs; plums, plums; and pears, pears. Truly, said Pantagruel, if I live to + go home—which I hope will be speedily, God willing—I’ll + set off and graff some in my garden in Touraine, by the banks of the + Loire, and will call them bon-Christian or good-Christian pears, for I + never saw better Christians than are these good Papimans. I would like him + two to one better yet, said Friar John, would he but give us two or three + cartloads of yon buxom lasses. Why, what would you do with them? cried + Homenas. Quoth Friar John, No harm, only bleed the kind-hearted souls + straight between the two great toes with certain clever lancets of the + right stamp; by which operation good Christian children would be + inoculated upon them, and the breed be multiplied in our country, in which + there are not many over-good, the more’s the pity. + </p> + <p> + Nay, verily, replied Homenas, we cannot do this; for you would make them + tread their shoes awry, crack their pipkins, and spoil their shapes. You + love mutton, I see; you will run at sheep. I know you by that same nose + and hair of yours, though I never saw your face before. Alas! alas! how + kind you are! And would you indeed damn your precious soul? Our decretals + forbid this. Ah, I wish you had them at your finger’s-end. Patience, + said Friar John; but, si tu non vis dare, praesta, quaesumus. Matter of + breviary. As for that, I defy all the world, and I fear no man that wears + a head and a hood, though he were a crystalline, I mean a decretaline + doctor. + </p> + <p> + Dinner being over, we took our leave of the right reverend Homenas, and of + all the good people, humbly giving thanks; and, to make them amends for + their kind entertainment, promised them that, at our coming to Rome, we + would make our applications so effectually to the pope that he would + speedily be sure to come to visit them in person. After this we went o’board. + </p> + <p> + Pantagruel, by an act of generosity, and as an acknowledgment of the sight + of the pope’s picture, gave Homenas nine pieces of double friezed + cloth of gold to be set before the grates of the window. He also caused + the church box for its repairs and fabric to be quite filled with double + crowns of gold; and ordered nine hundred and fourteen angels to be + delivered to each of the lasses who had waited at table, to buy them + husbands when they could get them. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0055" id="link42HCH0055"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.LV.—How Pantagruel, being at sea, heard various unfrozen + words. + </h2> + <p> + When we were at sea, junketting, tippling, discoursing, and telling + stories, Pantagruel rose and stood up to look out; then asked us, Do you + hear nothing, gentlemen? Methinks I hear some people talking in the air, + yet I can see nobody. Hark! According to his command we listened, and with + full ears sucked in the air as some of you suck oysters, to find if we + could hear some sound scattered through the sky; and to lose none of it, + like the Emperor Antoninus some of us laid their hands hollow next to + their ears; but all this would not do, nor could we hear any voice. Yet + Pantagruel continued to assure us he heard various voices in the air, some + of men, and some of women. + </p> + <p> + At last we began to fancy that we also heard something, or at least that + our ears tingled; and the more we listened, the plainer we discerned the + voices, so as to distinguish articulate sounds. This mightily frightened + us, and not without cause; since we could see nothing, yet heard such + various sounds and voices of men, women, children, horses, &c., + insomuch that Panurge cried out, Cods-belly, there is no fooling with the + devil; we are all beshit, let’s fly. There is some ambuscado + hereabouts. Friar John, art thou here my love? I pray thee, stay by me, + old boy. Hast thou got thy swindging tool? See that it do not stick in thy + scabbard; thou never scourest it half as it should be. We are undone. + Hark! They are guns, gad judge me. Let’s fly, I do not say with + hands and feet, as Brutus said at the battle of Pharsalia; I say, with + sails and oars. Let’s whip it away. I never find myself to have a + bit of courage at sea; in cellars and elsewhere I have more than enough. + Let’s fly and save our bacon. I do not say this for any fear that I + have; for I dread nothing but danger, that I don’t; I always say it + that shouldn’t. The free archer of Baignolet said as much. Let us + hazard nothing, therefore, I say, lest we come off bluely. Tack about, + helm a-lee, thou son of a bachelor. Would I were now well in Quinquenais, + though I were never to marry. Haste away, let’s make all the sail we + can. They’ll be too hard for us; we are not able to cope with them; + they are ten to our one, I’ll warrant you. Nay, and they are on + their dunghill, while we do not know the country. They will be the death + of us. We’ll lose no honour by flying. Demosthenes saith that the + man that runs away may fight another day. At least let us retreat to the + leeward. Helm a-lee; bring the main-tack aboard, haul the bowlines, hoist + the top-gallants. We are all dead men; get off, in the devil’s name, + get off. + </p> + <p> + Pantagruel, hearing the sad outcry which Panurge made, said, Who talks of + flying? Let’s first see who they are; perhaps they may be friends. I + can discover nobody yet, though I can see a hundred miles round me. But + let’s consider a little. I have read that a philosopher named Petron + was of opinion that there were several worlds that touched each other in + an equilateral triangle; in whose centre, he said, was the dwelling of + truth; and that the words, ideas, copies, and images of all things past + and to come resided there; round which was the age; and that with success + of time part of them used to fall on mankind like rheums and mildews, just + as the dew fell on Gideon’s fleece, till the age was fulfilled. + </p> + <p> + I also remember, continued he, that Aristotle affirms Homer’s words + to be flying, moving, and consequently animated. Besides, Antiphanes said + that Plato’s philosophy was like words which, being spoken in some + country during a hard winter, are immediately congealed, frozen up, and + not heard; for what Plato taught young lads could hardly be understood by + them when they were grown old. Now, continued he, we should philosophize + and search whether this be not the place where those words are thawed. + </p> + <p> + You would wonder very much should this be the head and lyre of Orpheus. + When the Thracian women had torn him to pieces they threw his head and + lyre into the river Hebrus, down which they floated to the Euxine sea as + far as the island of Lesbos; the head continually uttering a doleful song, + as it were lamenting the death of Orpheus, and the lyre, with the wind’s + impulse moving its strings and harmoniously accompanying the voice. Let’s + see if we cannot discover them hereabouts. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0056" id="link42HCH0056"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.LVI.—How among the frozen words Pantagruel found some odd + ones. + </h2> + <p> + The skipper made answer: Be not afraid, my lord; we are on the confines of + the Frozen Sea, on which, about the beginning of last winter, happened a + great and bloody fight between the Arimaspians and the Nephelibates. Then + the words and cries of men and women, the hacking, slashing, and hewing of + battle-axes, the shocking, knocking, and jolting of armours and harnesses, + the neighing of horses, and all other martial din and noise, froze in the + air; and now, the rigour of the winter being over, by the succeeding + serenity and warmth of the weather they melt and are heard. + </p> + <p> + By jingo, quoth Panurge, the man talks somewhat like. I believe him. But + couldn’t we see some of ‘em? I think I have read that, on the + edge of the mountain on which Moses received the Judaic law, the people + saw the voices sensibly. Here, here, said Pantagruel, here are some that + are not yet thawed. He then threw us on the deck whole handfuls of frozen + words, which seemed to us like your rough sugar-plums, of many colours, + like those used in heraldry; some words gules (this means also jests and + merry sayings), some vert, some azure, some black, some or (this means + also fair words); and when we had somewhat warmed them between our hands, + they melted like snow, and we really heard them, but could not understand + them, for it was a barbarous gibberish. One of them only, that was pretty + big, having been warmed between Friar John’s hands, gave a sound + much like that of chestnuts when they are thrown into the fire without + being first cut, which made us all start. This was the report of a + field-piece in its time, cried Friar John. + </p> + <p> + Panurge prayed Pantagruel to give him some more; but Pantagruel told him + that to give words was the part of a lover. Sell me some then, I pray you, + cried Panurge. That’s the part of a lawyer, returned Pantagruel. I + would sooner sell you silence, though at a dearer rate; as Demosthenes + formerly sold it by the means of his argentangina, or silver squinsy. + </p> + <p> + However, he threw three or four handfuls of them on the deck; among which + I perceived some very sharp words, and some bloody words, which the pilot + said used sometimes to go back and recoil to the place whence they came, + but it was with a slit weasand. We also saw some terrible words, and some + others not very pleasant to the eye. + </p> + <p> + When they had been all melted together, we heard a strange noise, hin, + hin, hin, hin, his, tick, tock, taack, bredelinbrededack, frr, frr, frr, + bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, track, track, trr, trr, trr, trrr, + trrrrrr, on, on, on, on, on, on, ououououon, gog, magog, and I do not know + what other barbarous words, which the pilot said were the noise made by + the charging squadrons, the shock and neighing of horses. + </p> + <p> + Then we heard some large ones go off like drums and fifes, and others like + clarions and trumpets. Believe me, we had very good sport with them. I + would fain have saved some merry odd words, and have preserved them in + oil, as ice and snow are kept, and between clean straw. But Pantagruel + would not let me, saying that ‘tis a folly to hoard up what we are + never like to want or have always at hand, odd, quaint, merry, and fat + words of gules never being scarce among all good and jovial + Pantagruelists. + </p> + <p> + Panurge somewhat vexed Friar John, and put him in the pouts; for he took + him at his word while he dreamed of nothing less. This caused the friar to + threaten him with such a piece of revenge as was put upon G. Jousseaume, + who having taken the merry Patelin at his word when he had overbid himself + in some cloth, was afterwards fairly taken by the horns like a bullock by + his jovial chapman, whom he took at his word like a man. Panurge, well + knowing that threatened folks live long, bobbed and made mouths at him in + token of derision, then cried, Would I had here the word of the Holy + Bottle, without being thus obliged to go further in pilgrimage to her. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0057" id="link42HCH0057"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.LVII.—How Pantagruel went ashore at the dwelling of + Gaster, the first master of arts in the world. + </h2> + <p> + That day Pantagruel went ashore in an island which, for situation and + governor, may be said not to have its fellow. When you just come into it, + you find it rugged, craggy, and barren, unpleasant to the eye, painful to + the feet, and almost as inaccessible as the mountain of Dauphine, which is + somewhat like a toadstool, and was never climbed as any can remember by + any but Doyac, who had the charge of King Charles the Eighth’s train + of artillery. + </p> + <p> + This same Doyac with strange tools and engines gained that mountain’s + top, and there he found an old ram. It puzzled many a wise head to guess + how it got thither. Some said that some eagle or great horncoot, having + carried it thither while it was yet a lambkin, it had got away and saved + itself among the bushes. + </p> + <p> + As for us, having with much toil and sweat overcome the difficult ways at + the entrance, we found the top of the mountain so fertile, healthful, and + pleasant, that I thought I was then in the true garden of Eden, or earthly + paradise, about whose situation our good theologues are in such a quandary + and keep such a pother. + </p> + <p> + As for Pantagruel, he said that here was the seat of Arete—that is + as much as to say, virtue—described by Hesiod. This, however, with + submission to better judgments. The ruler of this place was one Master + Gaster, the first master of arts in this world. For, if you believe that + fire is the great master of arts, as Tully writes, you very much wrong him + and yourself; alas! Tully never believed this. On the other side, if you + fancy Mercury to be the first inventor of arts, as our ancient Druids + believed of old, you are mightily beside the mark. The satirist’s + sentence, that affirms Master Gaster to be the master of all arts, is + true. With him peacefully resided old goody Penia, alias Poverty, the + mother of the ninety-nine Muses, on whom Porus, the lord of Plenty, + formerly begot Love, that noble child, the mediator of heaven and earth, + as Plato affirms in Symposio. + </p> + <p> + We were all obliged to pay our homage and swear allegiance to that mighty + sovereign; for he is imperious, severe, blunt, hard, uneasy, inflexible; + you cannot make him believe, represent to him, or persuade him anything. + </p> + <p> + He does not hear; and as the Egyptians said that Harpocrates, the god of + silence, named Sigalion in Greek, was astome, that is, without a mouth, so + Gaster was created without ears, even like the image of Jupiter in Candia. + </p> + <p> + He only speaks by signs, but those signs are more readily obeyed by + everyone than the statutes of senates or commands of monarchs. Neither + will he admit the least let or delay in his summons. You say that when a + lion roars all the beasts at a considerable distance round about, as far + as his roar can be heard, are seized with a shivering. This is written, it + is true, I have seen it. I assure you that at Master Gaster’s + command the very heavens tremble, and all the earth shakes. His command is + called, Do this or die. Needs must when the devil drives; there’s no + gainsaying of it. + </p> + <p> + The pilot was telling us how, on a certain time, after the manner of the + members that mutinied against the belly, as Aesop describes it, the whole + kingdom of the Somates went off into a direct faction against Gaster, + resolving to throw off his yoke; but they soon found their mistake, and + most humbly submitted, for otherwise they had all been famished. + </p> + <p> + What company soever he is in, none dispute with him for precedence or + superiority; he still goes first, though kings, emperors, or even the + pope, were there. So he held the first place at the council of Basle; + though some will tell you that the council was tumultuous by the + contention and ambition of many for priority. + </p> + <p> + Everyone is busied and labours to serve him, and indeed, to make amends + for this, he does this good to mankind, as to invent for them all arts, + machines, trades, engines, and crafts; he even instructs brutes in arts + which are against their nature, making poets of ravens, jackdaws, + chattering jays, parrots, and starlings, and poetesses of magpies, + teaching them to utter human language, speak, and sing; and all for the + gut. He reclaims and tames eagles, gerfalcons, falcons gentle, sakers, + lanners, goshawks, sparrowhawks, merlins, haggards, passengers, wild + rapacious birds; so that, setting them free in the air whenever he thinks + fit, as high and as long as he pleases, he keeps them suspended, straying, + flying, hovering, and courting him above the clouds. Then on a sudden he + makes them stoop, and come down amain from heaven next to the ground; and + all for the gut. + </p> + <p> + Elephants, lions, rhinoceroses, bears, horses, mares, and dogs, he teaches + to dance, prance, vault, fight, swim, hide themselves, fetch and carry + what he pleases; and all for the gut. + </p> + <p> + Salt and fresh-water fish, whales, and the monsters of the main, he brings + them up from the bottom of the deep; wolves he forces out of the woods, + bears out of the rocks, foxes out of their holes, and serpents out of the + ground, and all for the gut. + </p> + <p> + In short, he is so unruly, that in his rage he devours all men and beasts; + as was seen among the Vascons, when Q. Metellus besieged them in the + Sertorian wars, among the Saguntines besieged by Hannibal; among the Jews + besieged by the Romans, and six hundred more; and all for the gut. When + his regent Penia takes a progress, wherever she moves all senates are shut + up, all statutes repealed, all orders and proclamations vain; she knows, + obeys, and has no law. All shun her, in every place choosing rather to + expose themselves to shipwreck at sea, and venture through fire, rocks, + caves, and precipices, than be seized by that most dreadful tormentor. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0058" id="link42HCH0058"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.LVIII.—How, at the court of the master of ingenuity, + Pantagruel detested the Engastrimythes and the Gastrolaters. + </h2> + <p> + At the court of that great master of ingenuity, Pantagruel observed two + sorts of troublesome and too officious apparitors, whom he very much + detested. The first were called Engastrimythes; the others, Gastrolaters. + </p> + <p> + The first pretended to be descended of the ancient race of Eurycles, and + for this brought the authority of Aristophanes in his comedy called the + Wasps; whence of old they were called Euryclians, as Plato writes, and + Plutarch in his book of the Cessation of Oracles. In the holy decrees, 26, + qu. 3, they are styled Ventriloqui; and the same name is given them in + Ionian by Hippocrates, in his fifth book of Epid., as men who speak from + the belly. Sophocles calls them Sternomantes. These were soothsayers, + enchanters, cheats, who gulled the mob, and seemed not to speak and give + answers from the mouth, but from the belly. + </p> + <p> + Such a one, about the year of our Lord 1513, was Jacoba Rodogina, an + Italian woman of mean extract; from whose belly we, as well as an infinite + number of others at Ferrara and elsewhere, have often heard the voice of + the evil spirit speak, low, feeble, and small, indeed, but yet very + distinct, articulate, and intelligible, when she was sent for out of + curiosity by the lords and princes of the Cisalpine Gaul. To remove all + manner of doubt, and be assured that this was not a trick, they used to + have her stripped stark naked, and caused her mouth and nose to be + stopped. This evil spirit would be called Curled-pate, or Cincinnatulo, + seeming pleased when any called him by that name, at which he was always + ready to answer. If any spoke to him of things past or present, he gave + pertinent answers, sometimes to the amazement of the hearers; but if of + things to come, then the devil was gravelled, and used to lie as fast as a + dog can trot. Nay, sometimes he seemed to own his ignorance, instead of an + answer letting out a rousing fart, or muttering some words with barbarous + and uncouth inflexions, and not to be understood. + </p> + <p> + As for the Gastrolaters, they stuck close to one another in knots and + gangs. Some of them merry, wanton, and soft as so many milk-sops; others + louring, grim, dogged, demure, and crabbed; all idle, mortal foes to + business, spending half their time in sleeping and the rest in doing + nothing, a rent-charge and dead unnecessary weight on the earth, as Hesiod + saith; afraid, as we judged, of offending or lessening their paunch. + Others were masked, disguised, and so oddly dressed that it would have + done you good to have seen them. + </p> + <p> + There’s a saying, and several ancient sages write, that the skill of + nature appears wonderful in the pleasure which she seems to have taken in + the configuration of sea-shells, so great is their variety in figures, + colours, streaks, and inimitable shapes. I protest the variety we + perceived in the dresses of the gastrolatrous coquillons was not less. + They all owned Gaster for their supreme god, adored him as a god, offered + him sacrifices as to their omnipotent deity, owned no other god, served, + loved, and honoured him above all things. + </p> + <p> + You would have thought that the holy apostle spoke of those when he said + (Phil. chap. 3), Many walk, of whom I have told you often, and now tell + you even weeping, that they are enemies of the cross of Christ: whose end + is destruction, whose God is their belly. Pantagruel compared them to the + Cyclops Polyphemus, whom Euripides brings in speaking thus: I only + sacrifice to myself—not to the gods—and to this belly of mine, + the greatest of all the gods. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0059" id="link42HCH0059"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.LIX.—Of the ridiculous statue Manduce; and how and what + the Gastrolaters sacrifice to their ventripotent god. + </h2> + <p> + While we fed our eyes with the sight of the phizzes and actions of these + lounging gulligutted Gastrolaters, we on a sudden heard the sound of a + musical instrument called a bell; at which all of them placed themselves + in rank and file as for some mighty battle, everyone according to his + office, degree, and seniority. + </p> + <p> + In this order they moved towards Master Gaster, after a plump, young, + lusty, gorbellied fellow, who on a long staff fairly gilt carried a wooden + statue, grossly carved, and as scurvily daubed over with paint; such a one + as Plautus, Juvenal, and Pomp. Festus describe it. At Lyons during the + Carnival it is called Maschecroute or Gnawcrust; they call’d this + Manduce. + </p> + <p> + It was a monstrous, ridiculous, hideous figure, fit to fright little + children; its eyes were bigger than its belly, and its head larger than + all the rest of its body; well mouth-cloven however, having a goodly pair + of wide, broad jaws, lined with two rows of teeth, upper tier and under + tier, which, by the magic of a small twine hid in the hollow part of the + golden staff, were made to clash, clatter, and rattle dreadfully one + against another; as they do at Metz with St. Clement’s dragon. + </p> + <p> + Coming near the Gastrolaters I saw they were followed by a great number of + fat waiters and tenders, laden with baskets, dossers, hampers, dishes, + wallets, pots, and kettles. Then, under the conduct of Manduce, and + singing I do not know what dithyrambics, crepalocomes, and epenons, + opening their baskets and pots, they offered their god: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +White hippocras, Fricassees, nine Cold loins of veal, +with dry toasts. sorts. with spice. +White bread. Monastical brewis. Zinziberine. +Brown bread. Gravy soup. Beatille pies. +Carbonadoes, six Hotch-pots. Brewis. +sorts. Soft bread. Marrow-bones, toast, +Brawn. Household bread. and cabbage. +Sweetbreads. Capirotadoes. Hashes. +</pre> + <p> + Eternal drink intermixed. Brisk delicate white wine led the van; claret + and champagne followed, cool, nay, as cold as the very ice, I say, filled + and offered in large silver cups. Then they offered: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Chitterlings, gar- Chines and peas. Hams. +nished with mus- Hog’s haslets. Brawn heads. +tard. Scotch collops. Powdered venison, +Sausages. Puddings. with turnips. +Neats’ tongues. Cervelats. Pickled olives. +Hung beef. Bologna sausages. +</pre> + <p> + All this associated with sempiternal liquor. Then they housed within his + muzzle: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Legs of mutton, with Ribs of pork, with Caponets. +shallots. onion sauce. Caviare and toast. +Olias. Roast capons, basted Fawns, deer. +Lumber pies, with with their own Hares, leverets. +hot sauce. dripping. Plovers. +Partridges and young Flamingoes. Herons, and young +partridges. Cygnets. herons. +Dwarf-herons. A reinforcement of Olives. +Teals. vinegar intermixed. Thrushes. +Duckers. Venison pasties. Young sea-ravens. +Bitterns. Lark pies. Geese, goslings. +Shovellers. Dormice pies. Queests. +Curlews. Cabretto pasties. Widgeons. +Wood-hens. Roebuck pasties. Mavises. +Coots, with leeks. Pigeon pies. Grouses. +Fat kids. Kid pasties. Turtles. +Shoulders of mutton, Capon pies. Doe-coneys. +with capers. Bacon pies. Hedgehogs. +Sirloins of beef. Soused hog’s feet. Snites. +Breasts of veal. Fried pasty-crust. Then large puffs. +Pheasants and phea- Forced capons. Thistle-finches. +sant poots. Parmesan cheese. Whore’s farts. +Peacocks. Red and pale hip- Fritters. +Storks. pocras. Cakes, sixteen sorts. +Woodcocks. Gold-peaches. Crisp wafers. +Snipes. Artichokes. Quince tarts. +Ortolans. Dry and wet sweet- Curds and cream. +Turkey cocks, hen meats, seventy- Whipped cream. +turkeys, and turkey eight sorts. Preserved mirabo- +poots. Boiled hens, and fat lans. +Stock-doves, and capons marinated. Jellies. +wood-culvers. Pullets, with eggs. Welsh barrapyclids. +Pigs, with wine sauce. Chickens. Macaroons. +Blackbirds, ousels, and Rabbits, and sucking Tarts, twenty sorts. +rails. rabbits. Lemon cream, rasp- +Moorhens. Quails, and young berry cream, &c. +Bustards, and bustard quails. Comfits, one hundred +poots. Pigeons, squabs, and colours. +Fig-peckers. squeakers. Cream wafers. +Young Guinea hens. Fieldfares. Cream cheese. +</pre> + <p> + Vinegar brought up the rear to wash the mouth, and for fear of the + squinsy; also toasts to scour the grinders. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0060" id="link42HCH0060"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.LX.—What the Gastrolaters sacrificed to their god on + interlarded fish-days. + </h2> + <p> + Pantagruel did not like this pack of rascally scoundrels with their + manifold kitchen sacrifices, and would have been gone had not Epistemon + prevailed with him to stay and see the end of the farce. He then asked the + skipper what the idle lobcocks used to sacrifice to their gorbellied god + on interlarded fish-days. For his first course, said the skipper, they + gave him: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Caviare. tops, bishop’s-cods, Red herrings. +Botargoes. celery, chives, ram- Pilchards. +Fresh butter. pions, jew’s-ears (a Anchovies. +Pease soup. sort of mushrooms Fry of tunny. +Spinach. that sprout out of Cauliflowers. +Fresh herrings, full old elders), spara- Beans. +roed. gus, wood-bind, Salt salmon. +Salads, a hundred and a world of Pickled grigs. +varieties, of cres- others. Oysters in the shell. +ses, sodden hop- +</pre> + <p> + Then he must drink, or the devil would gripe him at the throat; this, + therefore, they take care to prevent, and nothing is wanting. Which being + done, they give him lampreys with hippocras sauce: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Gurnards. Thornbacks. Fried oysters. +Salmon trouts. Sleeves. Cockles. +Barbels, great and Sturgeons. Prawns. +small. Sheath-fish. Smelts. +Roaches. Mackerels. Rock-fish. +Cockerels. Maids. Gracious lords. +Minnows. Plaice. Sword-fish. +Skate-fish. Sharplings. Soles. +Lamprels. Tunnies. Mussels. +Jegs. Silver eels. Lobsters. +Pickerels. Chevins. Great prawns. +Golden carps. Crayfish. Dace. +Burbates. Pallours. Bleaks. +Salmons. Shrimps. Tenches. +Salmon-peels. Congers. Ombres. +Dolphins. Porpoises. Fresh cods. +Barn trouts. Bases. Dried melwels. +Miller’s-thumbs. Shads. Darefish. +Precks. Murenes, a sort of Fausens, and grigs. +Bret-fish. lampreys. Eel-pouts. +Flounders. Graylings. Tortoises. +Sea-nettles. Smys. Serpents, i.e. wood- +Mullets. Turbots. eels. +Gudgeons. Trout, not above a Dories. +Dabs and sandings. foot long. Moor-game. +Haddocks. Salmons. Perches. +Carps. Meagers. Loaches. +Pikes. Sea-breams. Crab-fish. +Bottitoes. Halibuts. Snails and whelks. +Rochets. Dog’s tongue, or kind Frogs. +Sea-bears. fool. +</pre> + <p> + If, when he had crammed all this down his guttural trapdoor, he did not + immediately make the fish swim again in his paunch, death would pack him + off in a trice. Special care is taken to antidote his godship with + vine-tree syrup. Then is sacrificed to him haberdines, poor-jack, + minglemangled, mismashed, &c. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Eggs fried, beaten, sliced, roasted in Green-fish. +buttered, poached, the embers, tossed Sea-batts. +hardened, boiled, in the chimney, &c. Cod’s sounds. +broiled, stewed, Stock-fish. Sea-pikes. +</pre> + <p> + Which to concoct and digest the more easily, vinegar is multiplied. For + the latter part of their sacrifices they offer: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Rice milk, and hasty Stewed prunes, and Raisins. +pudding. baked bullace. Dates. +Buttered wheat, and Pistachios, or fistic Chestnut and wal- +flummery. nuts. nuts. +Water-gruel, and Figs. Filberts. +milk-porridge. Almond butter. Parsnips. +Frumenty and bonny Skirret root. Artichokes. +clamber. White-pot. +Perpetuity of soaking with the whole. +</pre> + <p> + It was none of their fault, I will assure you, if this same god of theirs + was not publicly, preciously, and plentifully served in the sacrifices, + better yet than Heliogabalus’s idol; nay, more than Bel and the + Dragon in Babylon, under King Belshazzar. Yet Gaster had the manners to + own that he was no god, but a poor, vile, wretched creature. And as King + Antigonus, first of the name, when one Hermodotus (as poets will flatter, + especially princes) in some of his fustian dubbed him a god, and made the + sun adopt him for his son, said to him: My lasanophore (or, in plain + English, my groom of the close-stool) can give thee the lie; so Master + Gaster very civilly used to send back his bigoted worshippers to his + close-stool, to see, smell, taste, philosophize, and examine what kind of + divinity they could pick out of his sir-reverence. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0061" id="link42HCH0061"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.LXI.—How Gaster invented means to get and preserve corn. + </h2> + <p> + Those gastrolatrous hobgoblins being withdrawn, Pantagruel carefully + minded the famous master of arts, Gaster. You know that, by the + institution of nature, bread has been assigned him for provision and food; + and that, as an addition to this blessing, he should never want the means + to get bread. + </p> + <p> + Accordingly, from the beginning he invented the smith’s art, and + husbandry to manure the ground, that it might yield him corn; he invented + arms and the art of war to defend corn; physic and astronomy, with other + parts of mathematics which might be useful to keep corn a great number of + years in safety from the injuries of the air, beasts, robbers, and + purloiners; he invented water, wind, and handmills, and a thousand other + engines to grind corn and to turn it into meal; leaven to make the dough + ferment, and the use of salt to give it a savour; for he knew that nothing + bred more diseases than heavy, unleavened, unsavoury bread. + </p> + <p> + He found a way to get fire to bake it; hour-glasses, dials, and clocks to + mark the time of its baking; and as some countries wanted corn, he + contrived means to convey some out of one country into another. + </p> + <p> + He had the wit to pimp for asses and mares, animals of different species, + that they might copulate for the generation of a third, which we call + mules, more strong and fit for hard service than the other two. He + invented carts and waggons to draw him along with greater ease; and as + seas and rivers hindered his progress, he devised boats, galleys, and + ships (to the astonishment of the elements) to waft him over to barbarous, + unknown, and far distant nations, thence to bring, or thither to carry + corn. + </p> + <p> + Besides, seeing that when he had tilled the ground, some years the corn + perished in it for want of rain in due season, in others rotted or was + drowned by its excess, sometimes spoiled by hail, eat by worms in the ear, + or beaten down by storms, and so his stock was destroyed on the ground; we + were told that ever since the days of yore he has found out a way to + conjure the rain down from heaven only with cutting certain grass, common + enough in the field, yet known to very few, some of which was then shown + us. I took it to be the same as the plant, one of whose boughs being + dipped by Jove’s priest in the Agrian fountain on the Lycian + mountain in Arcadia, in time of drought raised vapours which gathered into + clouds, and then dissolved into rain that kindly moistened the whole + country. + </p> + <p> + Our master of arts was also said to have found a way to keep the rain up + in the air, and make it to fall into the sea; also to annihilate the hail, + suppress the winds, and remove storms as the Methanensians of Troezene + used to do. And as in the fields thieves and plunderers sometimes stole + and took by force the corn and bread which others had toiled to get, he + invented the art of building towns, forts, and castles, to hoard and + secure that staff of life. On the other hand, finding none in the fields, + and hearing that it was hoarded up and secured in towns, forts, and + castles, and watched with more care than ever were the golden pippins of + the Hesperides, he turned engineer, and found ways to beat, storm, and + demolish forts and castles with machines and warlike thunderbolts, + battering-rams, ballists, and catapults, whose shapes were shown to us, + not over-well understood by our engineers, architects, and other disciples + of Vitruvius; as Master Philibert de l’Orme, King Megistus’s + principal architect, has owned to us. + </p> + <p> + And seeing that sometimes all these tools of destruction were baffled by + the cunning subtlety or the subtle cunning (which you please) of + fortifiers, he lately invented cannons, field-pieces, culverins, bombards, + basiliskos, murdering instruments that dart iron, leaden, and brazen + balls, some of them outweighing huge anvils. This by the means of a most + dreadful powder, whose hellish compound and effect has even amazed nature, + and made her own herself outdone by art, the Oxydracian thunders, hails, + and storms by which the people of that name immediately destroyed their + enemies in the field being but mere potguns to these. For one of our great + guns when used is more dreadful, more terrible, more diabolical, and + maims, tears, breaks, slays, mows down, and sweeps away more men, and + causes a greater consternation and destruction than a hundred + thunderbolts. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0062" id="link42HCH0062"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.LXII.—How Gaster invented an art to avoid being hurt or + touched by cannon-balls. + </h2> + <p> + Gaster having secured himself with his corn within strongholds, has + sometimes been attacked by enemies; his fortresses, by that thrice + threefold cursed instrument, levelled and destroyed; his dearly beloved + corn and bread snatched out of his mouth and sacked by a titanic force; + therefore he then sought means to preserve his walls, bastions, rampiers, + and sconces from cannon-shot, and to hinder the bullets from hitting him, + stopping them in their flight, or at least from doing him or the besieged + walls any damage. He showed us a trial of this which has been since used + by Fronton, and is now common among the pastimes and harmless recreations + of the Thelemites. I will tell you how he went to work, and pray for the + future be a little more ready to believe what Plutarch affirms to have + tried. Suppose a herd of goats were all scampering as if the devil drove + them, do but put a bit of eringo into the mouth of the hindmost nanny, and + they will all stop stock still in the time you can tell three. + </p> + <p> + Thus Gaster, having caused a brass falcon to be charged with a sufficient + quantity of gunpowder well purged from its sulphur, and curiously made up + with fine camphor, he then had a suitable ball put into the piece, with + twenty-four little pellets like hail-shot, some round, some pearl fashion; + then taking his aim and levelling it at a page of his, as if he would have + hit him on the breast. About sixty strides off the piece, halfway between + it and the page in a right line, he hanged on a gibbet by a rope a very + large siderite or iron-like stone, otherwise called herculean, formerly + found on Ida in Phrygia by one Magnes, as Nicander writes, and commonly + called loadstone; then he gave fire to the prime on the piece’s + touch-hole, which in an instant consuming the powder, the ball and + hail-shot were with incredible violence and swiftness hurried out of the + gun at its muzzle, that the air might penetrate to its chamber, where + otherwise would have been a vacuum, which nature abhors so much, that this + universal machine, heaven, air, land, and sea, would sooner return to the + primitive chaos than admit the least void anywhere. Now the ball and small + shot, which threatened the page with no less than quick destruction, lost + their impetuosity and remained suspended and hovering round the stone; nor + did any of them, notwithstanding the fury with which they rushed, reach + the page. + </p> + <p> + Master Gaster could do more than all this yet, if you will believe me; for + he invented a way how to cause bullets to fly backwards, and recoil on + those that sent them with as great a force, and in the very numerical + parallel for which the guns were planted. And indeed, why should he have + thought this difficult? seeing the herb ethiopis opens all locks + whatsoever, and an echinus or remora, a silly weakly fish, in spite of all + the winds that blow from the thirty-two points of the compass, will in the + midst of a hurricane make you the biggest first-rate remain stock still, + as if she were becalmed or the blustering tribe had blown their last. Nay, + and with the flesh of that fish, preserved with salt, you may fish gold + out of the deepest well that was ever sounded with a plummet; for it will + certainly draw up the precious metal, since Democritus affirmed it. + Theophrastus believed and experienced that there was an herb at whose + single touch an iron wedge, though never so far driven into a huge log of + the hardest wood that is, would presently come out; and it is this same + herb your hickways, alias woodpeckers, use, when with some mighty axe + anyone stops up the hole of their nests, which they industriously dig and + make in the trunk of some sturdy tree. Since stags and hinds, when deeply + wounded with darts, arrows, and bolts, if they do but meet the herb called + dittany, which is common in Candia, and eat a little of it, presently the + shafts come out and all is well again; even as kind Venus cured her + beloved byblow Aeneas when he was wounded on the right thigh with an arrow + by Juturna, Turnus’s sister. Since the very wind of laurels, + fig-trees, or sea-calves makes the thunder sheer off insomuch that it + never strikes them. Since at the sight of a ram, mad elephants recover + their former senses. Since mad bulls coming near wild fig-trees, called + caprifici, grow tame, and will not budge a foot, as if they had the cramp. + Since the venomous rage of vipers is assuaged if you but touch them with a + beechen bough. Since also Euphorion writes that in the isle of Samos, + before Juno’s temple was built there, he has seen some beasts called + neades, whose voice made the neighbouring places gape and sink into a + chasm and abyss. In short, since elders grow of a more pleasing sound, and + fitter to make flutes, in such places where the crowing of cocks is not + heard, as the ancient sages have writ and Theophrastus relates; as if the + crowing of a cock dulled, flattened, and perverted the wood of the elder, + as it is said to astonish and stupify with fear that strong and resolute + animal, a lion. I know that some have understood this of wild elder, that + grows so far from towns or villages that the crowing of cocks cannot reach + near it; and doubtless that sort ought to be preferred to the stenching + common elder that grows about decayed and ruined places; but others have + understood this in a higher sense, not literal, but allegorical, according + to the method of the Pythagoreans, as when it was said that Mercury’s + statue could not be made of every sort of wood; to which sentence they + gave this sense, that God is not to be worshipped in a vulgar form, but in + a chosen and religious manner. In the same manner, by this elder which + grows far from places where cocks are heard, the ancients meant that the + wise and studious ought not to give their minds to trivial or vulgar + music, but to that which is celestial, divine, angelical, more abstracted, + and brought from remoter parts, that is, from a region where the crowing + of cocks is not heard; for, to denote a solitary and unfrequented place, + we say cocks are never heard to crow there. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0063" id="link42HCH0063"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.LXIII.—How Pantagruel fell asleep near the island of + Chaneph, and of the problems proposed to be solved when he waked. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link4image-0018" id="link4image-0018"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/4-63-524.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="We Were All out of Sorts--4-63-524" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + The next day, merrily pursuing our voyage, we came in sight of the island + of Chaneph, where Pantagruel’s ship could not arrive, the wind + chopping about, and then failing us so that we were becalmed, and could + hardly get ahead, tacking about from starboard to larboard, and larboard + to starboard, though to our sails we added drabblers. + </p> + <p> + With this accident we were all out of sorts, moping, drooping, + metagrabolized, as dull as dun in the mire, in C sol fa ut flat, out of + tune, off the hinges, and I-don’t-know-howish, without caring to + speak one single syllable to each other. + </p> + <p> + Pantagruel was taking a nap, slumbering and nodding on the quarter-deck by + the cuddy, with an Heliodorus in his hand; for still it was his custom to + sleep better by book than by heart. + </p> + <p> + Epistemon was conjuring, with his astrolabe, to know what latitude we were + in. + </p> + <p> + Friar John was got into the cook-room, examining, by the ascendant of the + spits and the horoscope of ragouts and fricassees, what time of day it + might then be. + </p> + <p> + Panurge (sweet baby!) held a stalk of Pantagruelions, alias hemp, next his + tongue, and with it made pretty bubbles and bladders. + </p> + <p> + Gymnast was making tooth-pickers with lentisk. + </p> + <p> + Ponocrates, dozing, dozed, and dreaming, dreamed; tickled himself to make + himself laugh, and with one finger scratched his noddle where it did not + itch. + </p> + <p> + Carpalin, with a nutshell and a trencher of verne (that’s a card in + Gascony), was making a pretty little merry windmill, cutting the card + longways into four slips, and fastening them with a pin to the convex of + the nut, and its concave to the tarred side of the gunnel of the ship. + </p> + <p> + Eusthenes, bestriding one of the guns, was playing on it with his fingers + as if it had been a trump-marine. + </p> + <p> + Rhizotome, with the soft coat of a field tortoise, alias ycleped a mole, + was making himself a velvet purse. + </p> + <p> + Xenomanes was patching up an old weather-beaten lantern with a hawk’s + jesses. + </p> + <p> + Our pilot (good man!) was pulling maggots out of the seamen’s noses. + </p> + <p> + At last Friar John, returning from the forecastle, perceived that + Pantagruel was awake. Then breaking this obstinate silence, he briskly and + cheerfully asked him how a man should kill time, and raise good weather, + during a calm at sea. + </p> + <p> + Panurge, whose belly thought his throat cut, backed the motion presently, + and asked for a pill to purge melancholy. + </p> + <p> + Epistemon also came on, and asked how a man might be ready to bepiss + himself with laughing when he has no heart to be merry. + </p> + <p> + Gymnast, arising, demanded a remedy for a dimness of eyes. + </p> + <p> + Ponocrates, after he had a while rubbed his noddle and shaken his ears, + asked how one might avoid dog-sleep. Hold! cried Pantagruel, the + Peripatetics have wisely made a rule that all problems, questions, and + doubts which are offered to be solved ought to be certain, clear, and + intelligible. What do you mean by dog-sleep? I mean, answered Ponocrates, + to sleep fasting in the sun at noonday, as the dogs do. + </p> + <p> + Rhizotome, who lay stooping on the pump, raised his drowsy head, and + lazily yawning, by natural sympathy set almost everyone in the ship + a-yawning too; then he asked for a remedy against oscitations and gapings. + </p> + <p> + Xenomanes, half puzzled, and tired out with new-vamping his antiquated + lantern, asked how the hold of the stomach might be so well ballasted and + freighted from the keel to the main hatch, with stores well stowed, that + our human vessels might not heel or be walt, but well trimmed and stiff. + </p> + <p> + Carpalin, twirling his diminutive windmill, asked how many motions are to + be felt in nature before a gentleman may be said to be hungry. + </p> + <p> + Eusthenes, hearing them talk, came from between decks, and from the + capstan called out to know why a man that is fasting, bit by a serpent + also fasting, is in greater danger of death than when man and serpent have + eat their breakfasts;—why a man’s fasting-spittle is poisonous + to serpents and venomous creatures. + </p> + <p> + One single solution may serve for all your problems, gentlemen, answered + Pantagruel; and one single medicine for all such symptoms and accidents. + My answer shall be short, not to tire you with a long needless train of + pedantic cant. The belly has no ears, nor is it to be filled with fair + words; you shall be answered to content by signs and gestures. As formerly + at Rome, Tarquin the Proud, its last king, sent an answer by signs to his + son Sextus, who was among the Gabii at Gabii. (Saying this, he pulled the + string of a little bell, and Friar John hurried away to the cook-room.) + The son having sent his father a messenger to know how he might bring the + Gabii under a close subjection, the king, mistrusting the messenger, made + him no answer, and only took him into his privy garden, and in his + presence with his sword lopped off the heads of the tall poppies that were + there. The express returned without any other despatch, yet having related + to the prince what he had seen his father do, he easily understood that by + those signs he advised him to cut off the heads of the chief men in the + town, the better to keep under the rest of the people. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0064" id="link42HCH0064"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.LXIV.—How Pantagruel gave no answer to the problems. + </h2> + <p> + Pantagruel then asked what sort of people dwelt in that damned island. + They are, answered Xenomanes, all hypocrites, holy mountebanks, tumblers + of beads, mumblers of ave-marias, spiritual comedians, sham saints, + hermits, all of them poor rogues who, like the hermit of Lormont between + Blaye and Bordeaux, live wholly on alms given them by passengers. Catch me + there if you can, cried Panurge; may the devil’s head-cook conjure + my bumgut into a pair of bellows if ever you find me among them! Hermits, + sham saints, living forms of mortification, holy mountebanks, avaunt! in + the name of your father Satan, get out of my sight! When the devil’s + a hog, you shall eat bacon. I shall not forget yet awhile our fat + Concilipetes of Chesil. O that Beelzebub and Astaroth had counselled them + to hang themselves out of the way, and they had done’t! we had not + then suffered so much by devilish storms as we did for having seen ‘em. + Hark ye me, dear rogue, Xenomanes, my friend, I prithee are these hermits, + hypocrites, and eavesdroppers maids or married? Is there anything of the + feminine gender among them? Could a body hypocritically take there a small + hypocritical touch? Will they lie backwards, and let out their fore-rooms? + There’s a fine question to be asked, cried Pantagruel. Yes, yes, + answered Xenomanes; you may find there many goodly hypocritesses, jolly + spiritual actresses, kind hermitesses, women that have a plaguy deal of + religion; then there’s the copies of ‘em, little + hypocritillons, sham sanctitos, and hermitillons. Foh! away with them, + cried Friar John; a young saint, an old devil! (Mark this, an old saying, + and as true a one as, a young whore, an old saint.) Were there not such, + continued Xenomanes, the isle of Chaneph, for want of a multiplication of + progeny, had long ere this been desert and desolate. + </p> + <p> + Pantagruel sent them by Gymnast in the pinnace seventy-eight thousand fine + pretty little gold half-crowns, of those that are marked with a lantern. + After this he asked, What’s o’clock? Past nine, answered + Epistemon. It is then the best time to go to dinner, said Pantagruel; for + the sacred line so celebrated by Aristophanes in his play called + Concionatrices is at hand, never failing when the shadow is decempedal. + </p> + <p> + Formerly, among the Persians, dinner-time was at a set hour only for + kings; as for all others, their appetite and their belly was their clock; + when that chimed, they thought it time to go to dinner. So we find in + Plautus a certain parasite making a heavy do, and sadly railing at the + inventors of hour-glasses and dials as being unnecessary things, there + being no clock more regular than the belly. + </p> + <p> + Diogenes being asked at what times a man ought to eat, answered, The rich + when he is hungry, the poor when he has anything to eat. Physicians more + properly say that the canonical hours are, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +To rise at five, to dine at nine, +To sup at five, to sleep at nine. +</pre> + <p> + The famous king Petosiris’s magic was different,—Here the + officers for the gut came in, and got ready the tables and cupboards; laid + the cloth, whose sight and pleasant smell were very comfortable; and + brought plates, napkins, salts, tankards, flagons, tall-boys, ewers, + tumblers, cups, goblets, basins, and cisterns. + </p> + <p> + Friar John, at the head of the stewards, sewers, yeomen of the pantry, and + of the mouth, tasters, carvers, cupbearers, and cupboard-keepers, brought + four stately pasties, so huge that they put me in mind of the four + bastions at Turin. Ods-fish, how manfully did they storm them! What havoc + did they make with the long train of dishes that came after them! How + bravely did they stand to their pan-puddings, and paid off their dust! How + merrily did they soak their noses! + </p> + <p> + The fruit was not yet brought in, when a fresh gale at west and by north + began to fill the main-course, mizen-sail, fore-sail, tops, and + top-gallants; for which blessing they all sung divers hymns of thanks and + praise. + </p> + <p> + When the fruit was on the table, Pantagruel asked, Now tell me, gentlemen, + are your doubts fully resolved or no? I gape and yawn no more, answered + Rhizotome. I sleep no longer like a dog, said Ponocrates. I have cleared + my eyesight, said Gymnast. I have broke my fast, said Eusthenes; so that + for this whole day I shall be secure from the danger of my spittle. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Asps. Black wag leg-flies. Domeses. +Amphisbenes. Spanish flies. Dryinades. +Anerudutes. Catoblepes. Dragons. +Abedissimons. Horned snakes. Elopes. +Alhartrafz. Caterpillars. Enhydrides. +Ammobates. Crocodiles. Falvises. +Apimaos. Toads. Galeotes. +Alhatrabans. Nightmares. Harmenes. +Aractes. Mad dogs. Handons. +Asterions. Colotes. Icles. +Alcharates. Cychriodes. Jarraries. +Arges. Cafezates. Ilicines. +Spiders. Cauhares. Pharaoh’s mice. +Starry lizards. Snakes. Kesudures. +Attelabes. Cuhersks, two- Sea-hares. +Ascalabotes. tongued adders. Chalcidic newts. +Haemorrhoids. Amphibious ser- Footed serpents. +Basilisks. pents. Manticores. +Fitches. Cenchres. Molures. +Sucking water- Cockatrices. Mouse-serpents. +snakes. Dipsades. Shrew-mice. +Miliares. Salamanders. Stinkfish. +Megalaunes. Slowworms. Stuphes. +Spitting-asps. Stellions. Sabrins. +Porphyri. Scorpenes. Blood-sucking flies. +Pareades. Scorpions. Hornfretters. +Phalanges. Hornworms. Scolopendres. +Penphredons. Scalavotins. Tarantulas. +Pinetree-worms. Solofuidars. Blind worms. +Ruteles. Deaf-asps. Tetragnathias. +Worms. Horseleeches. Teristales. +Rhagions. Salt-haters. Vipers, &c. +Rhaganes. Rot-serpents. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0065" id="link42HCH0065"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.LXV.—How Pantagruel passed the time with his servants. + </h2> + <p> + In what hierarchy of such venomous creatures do you place Panurge’s + future spouse? asked Friar John. Art thou speaking ill of women, cried + Panurge, thou mangy scoundrel, thou sorry, noddy-peaked shaveling monk? By + the cenomanic paunch and gixy, said Epistemon, Euripides has written, and + makes Andromache say it, that by industry, and the help of the gods, men + had found remedies against all poisonous creatures; but none was yet found + against a bad wife. + </p> + <p> + This flaunting Euripides, cried Panurge, was gabbling against women every + foot, and therefore was devoured by dogs, as a judgment from above; as + Aristophanes observes. Let’s go on. Let him speak that is next. I + can leak now like any stone-horse, said then Epistemon. I am, said + Xenomanes, full as an egg and round as a hoop; my ship’s hold can + hold no more, and will now make shift to bear a steady sail. Said + Carpalin, A truce with thirst, a truce with hunger; they are strong, but + wine and meat are stronger. I’m no more in the dumps cried Panurge; + my heart’s a pound lighter. I’m in the right cue now, as brisk + as a body-louse, and as merry as a beggar. For my part, I know what I do + when I drink; and it is a true thing (though ‘tis in your Euripides) + that is said by that jolly toper Silenus of blessed memory, that— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +The man’s emphatically mad, +Who drinks the best, yet can be sad. +</pre> + <p> + We must not fail to return our humble and hearty thanks to the Being who, + with this good bread, this cool delicious wine, these good meats and rare + dainties, removes from our bodies and minds these pains and perturbations, + and at the same time fills us with pleasure and with food. + </p> + <p> + But methinks, sir, you did not give an answer to Friar John’s + question; which, as I take it, was how to raise good weather. Since you + ask no more than this easy question, answered Pantagruel, I’ll + strive to give you satisfaction; and some other time we’ll talk of + the rest of the problems, if you will. + </p> + <p> + Well then, Friar John asked how good weather might be raised. Have we not + raised it? Look up and see our full topsails. Hark how the wind whistles + through the shrouds, what a stiff gale it blows. Observe the rattling of + the tacklings, and see the sheets that fasten the mainsail behind; the + force of the wind puts them upon the stretch. While we passed our time + merrily, the dull weather also passed away; and while we raised the + glasses to our mouths, we also raised the wind by a secret sympathy in + nature. + </p> + <p> + Thus Atlas and Hercules clubbed to raise and underprop the falling sky, if + you’ll believe the wise mythologists, but they raised it some half + an inch too high, Atlas to entertain his guest Hercules more pleasantly, + and Hercules to make himself amends for the thirst which some time before + had tormented him in the deserts of Africa. Your good father, said Friar + John, interrupting him, takes care to free many people from such an + inconveniency; for I have been told by many venerable doctors that his + chief-butler, Turelupin, saves above eighteen hundred pipes of wine yearly + to make servants, and all comers and goers, drink before they are a-dry. + As the camels and dromedaries of a caravan, continued Pantagruel, use to + drink for the thirst that’s past, for the present, and for that to + come, so did Hercules; and being thus excessively raised, this gave new + motion to the sky, which is that of titubation and trepidation, about + which our crackbrained astrologers make such a pother. This, said Panurge, + makes the saying good: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +While jolly companions carouse it together, +A fig for the storm, it gives way to good weather. +</pre> + <p> + Nay, continued Pantagruel, some will tell you that we have not only + shortened the time of the calm, but also much disburthened the ship; not + like Aesop’s basket, by easing it of the provision, but by breaking + our fasts; and that a man is more terrestrial and heavy when fasting than + when he has eaten and drank, even as they pretend that he weighs more dead + than living. However it is, you will grant they are in the right who take + their morning’s draught and breakfast before a long journey; then + say that the horses will perform the better, and that a spur in the head + is worth two in the flank; or, in the same horse dialect— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +That a cup in the pate +Is a mile in the gate. +</pre> + <p> + Don’t you know that formerly the Amycleans worshipped the noble + Bacchus above all other gods, and gave him the name of Psila, which in the + Doric dialect signifies wings; for, as the birds raise themselves by a + towering flight with their wings above the clouds, so, with the help of + soaring Bacchus, the powerful juice of the grape, our spirits are exalted + to a pitch above themselves, our bodies are more sprightly, and their + earthly parts become soft and pliant. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0066" id="link42HCH0066"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.LXVI.—How, by Pantagruel’s order, the Muses were + saluted near the isle of Ganabim. + </h2> + <p> + This fair wind and as fine talk brought us in sight of a high land, which + Pantagruel discovering afar off, showed it Xenomanes, and asked him, Do + you see yonder to the leeward a high rock with two tops, much like Mount + Parnassus in Phocis? I do plainly, answered Xenomanes; ‘tis the isle + of Ganabim. Have you a mind to go ashore there? No, returned Pantagruel. + You do well, indeed, said Xenomanes; for there is nothing worth seeing in + the place. The people are all thieves; yet there is the finest fountain in + the world, and a very large forest towards the right top of the mountain. + Your fleet may take in wood and water there. + </p> + <p> + He that spoke last, spoke well, quoth Panurge; let us not by any means be + so mad as to go among a parcel of thieves and sharpers. You may take my + word for’t, this place is just such another as, to my knowledge, + formerly were the islands of Sark and Herm, between the smaller and the + greater Britain; such as was the Poneropolis of Philip in Thrace; islands + of thieves, banditti, picaroons, robbers, ruffians, and murderers, worse + than raw-head and bloody-bones, and full as honest as the senior fellows + of the college of iniquity, the very outcasts of the county gaol’s + common-side. As you love yourself, do not go among ‘em. If you go + you’ll come off but bluely, if you come off at all. If you will not + believe me, at least believe what the good and wise Xenomanes tells you; + for may I never stir if they are not worse than the very cannibals; they + would certainly eat us alive. Do not go among ‘em, I pray you; it + were safer to take a journey to hell. Hark! by Cod’s body, I hear + ‘em ringing the alarm-bell most dreadfully, as the Gascons about + Bordeaux used formerly to do against the commissaries and officers for the + tax on salt, or my ears tingle. Let’s sheer off. + </p> + <p> + Believe me, sir, said Friar John, let’s rather land; we will rid the + world of that vermin, and inn there for nothing. Old Nick go with thee for + me, quoth Panurge. This rash hairbrained devil of a friar fears nothing, + but ventures and runs on like a mad devil as he is, and cares not a rush + what becomes of others; as if everyone was a monk, like his friarship. A + pox on grinning honour, say I. Go to, returned the friar, thou mangy + noddy-peak! thou forlorn druggle-headed sneaksby! and may a million of + black devils anatomize thy cockle brain. The hen-hearted rascal is so + cowardly that he berays himself for fear every day. If thou art so afraid, + dunghill, do not go; stay here and be hanged; or go and hide thy + loggerhead under Madam Proserpine’s petticoat. + </p> + <p> + Panurge hearing this, his breech began to make buttons; so he slunk in in + an instant, and went to hide his head down in the bread-room among the + musty biscuits and the orts and scraps of broken bread. + </p> + <p> + Pantagruel in the meantime said to the rest: I feel a pressing retraction + in my soul, which like a voice admonishes me not to land there. Whenever I + have felt such a motion within me I have found myself happy in avoiding + what it directed me to shun, or in undertaking what it prompted me to do; + and I never had occasion to repent following its dictates. + </p> + <p> + As much, said Epistemon, is related of the daemon of Socrates, so + celebrated among the Academics. Well then, sir, said Friar John, while the + ship’s crew water have you a mind to have good sport? Panurge is got + down somewhere in the hold, where he is crept into some corner, and lurks + like a mouse in a cranny. Let ‘em give the word for the gunner to + fire yon gun over the round-house on the poop; this will serve to salute + the Muses of this Anti-parnassus; besides, the powder does but decay in + it. You are in the right, said Pantagruel; here, give the word for the + gunner. + </p> + <p> + The gunner immediately came, and was ordered by Pantagruel to fire that + gun, and then charge it with fresh powder, which was soon done. The + gunners of the other ships, frigates, galleons, and galleys of the fleet, + hearing us fire, gave every one a gun to the island; which made such a + horrid noise that you would have sworn heaven had been tumbling about our + ears. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link42HCH0067" id="link42HCH0067"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 4.LXVII.—How Panurge berayed himself for fear; and of the + huge cat Rodilardus, which he took for a puny devil. + </h2> + <p> + Panurge, like a wild, addle-pated, giddy-goat, sallies out of the + bread-room in his shirt, with nothing else about him but one of his + stockings, half on, half off, about his heel, like a rough-footed pigeon; + his hair and beard all bepowdered with crumbs of bread in which he had + been over head and ears, and a huge and mighty puss partly wrapped up in + his other stocking. In this equipage, his chaps moving like a monkey’s + who’s a-louse-hunting, his eyes staring like a dead pig’s, his + teeth chattering, and his bum quivering, the poor dog fled to Friar John, + who was then sitting by the chain-wales of the starboard side of the ship, + and prayed him heartily to take pity on him and keep him in the safeguard + of his trusty bilbo; swearing, by his share of Papimany, that he had seen + all hell broke loose. + </p> + <p> + Woe is me, my Jacky, cried he, my dear Johnny, my old crony, my brother, + my ghostly father! all the devils keep holiday, all the devils keep their + feast to-day, man. Pork and peas choke me if ever thou sawest such + preparations in thy life for an infernal feast. Dost thou see the smoke of + hell’s kitchens? (This he said, showing him the smoke of the + gunpowder above the ships.) Thou never sawest so many damned souls since + thou wast born; and so fair, so bewitching they seem, that one would swear + they are Stygian ambrosia. I thought at first, God forgive me! that they + had been English souls; and I don’t know but that this morning the + isle of Horses, near Scotland, was sacked, with all the English who had + surprised it, by the lords of Termes and Essay. + </p> + <p> + Friar John, at the approach of Panurge, was entertained with a kind of + smell that was not like that of gunpowder, nor altogether so sweet as + musk; which made him turn Panurge about, and then he saw that his shirt + was dismally bepawed and berayed with fresh sir-reverence. The retentive + faculty of the nerve which restrains the muscle called sphincter (‘tis + the arse-hole, an it please you) was relaxated by the violence of the fear + which he had been in during his fantastic visions. Add to this the + thundering noise of the shooting, which seems more dreadful between decks + than above. Nor ought you to wonder at such a mishap; for one of the + symptoms and accidents of fear is, that it often opens the wicket of the + cupboard wherein second-hand meat is kept for a time. Let’s + illustrate this noble theme with some examples. + </p> + <p> + Messer Pantolfe de la Cassina of Siena, riding post from Rome, came to + Chambery, and alighting at honest Vinet’s took one of the pitchforks + in the stable; then turning to the innkeeper, said to him, Da Roma in qua + io non son andato del corpo. Di gratia piglia in mano questa forcha, et fa + mi paura. (I have not had a stool since I left Rome. I pray thee take this + pitchfork and fright me.) Vinet took it, and made several offers as if he + would in good earnest have hit the signor, but all in vain; so the Sienese + said to him, Si tu non fai altramente, tu non fai nulla; pero sforzati di + adoperarli piu guagliardamente. (If thou dost not go another way to work, + thou hadst as good do nothing; therefore try to bestir thyself more + briskly.) With this, Vinet lent him such a swinging stoater with the + pitchfork souse between the neck and the collar of his jerkin, that down + fell signor on the ground arsyversy, with his spindle shanks wide + straggling over his poll. Then mine host sputtering, with a full-mouthed + laugh, said to his guest, By Beelzebub’s bumgut, much good may it do + you, Signore Italiano. Take notice this is datum Camberiaci, given at + Chambery. 'Twas well the Sienese had untrussed his points and let down his + drawers; for this physic worked with him as soon as he took it, and as + copious was the evacuation as that of nine buffaloes and fourteen + missificating arch-lubbers. Which operation being over, the mannerly + Sienese courteously gave mine host a whole bushel of thanks, saying to + him, Io ti ringratio, bel messere; cosi facendo tu m’ ai esparmiata + la speza d’un servitiale. (I thank thee, good landlord; by this thou + hast e’en saved me the expense of a clyster.) + </p> + <p> + I’ll give you another example of Edward V., King of England. Master + Francis Villon, being banished France, fled to him, and got so far into + his favour as to be privy to all his household affairs. One day the king, + being on his close-stool, showed Villon the arms of France, and said to + him, Dost thou see what respect I have for thy French kings? I have none + of their arms anywhere but in this backside, near my close-stool. + Ods-life, said the buffoon, how wise, prudent, and careful of your health + your highness is! How carefully your learned doctor, Thomas Linacre, looks + after you! He saw that now you grow old you are inclined to be somewhat + costive, and every day were fain to have an apothecary, I mean a + suppository or clyster, thrust into your royal nockandroe; so he has, much + to the purpose, induced you to place here the arms of France; for the very + sight of them puts you into such a dreadful fright that you immediately + let fly as much as would come from eighteen squattering bonasi of Paeonia. + And if they were painted in other parts of your house, by jingo, you would + presently conskite yourself wherever you saw them. Nay, had you but here a + picture of the great oriflamme of France, ods-bodikins, your tripes and + bowels would be in no small danger of dropping out at the orifice of your + posteriors. But henh, henh, atque iterum henh. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +A silly cockney am I not, +As ever did from Paris come? +And with a rope and sliding knot +My neck shall know what weighs my bum. +</pre> + <p> + A cockney of short reach, I say, shallow of judgment and judging + shallowly, to wonder that you should cause your points to be untrussed in + your chamber before you come into this closet. By’r lady, at first I + thought your close-stool had stood behind the hangings of your bed; + otherwise it seemed very odd to me you should untruss so far from the + place of evacuation. But now I find I was a gull, a wittol, a woodcock, a + mere ninny, a dolt-head, a noddy, a changeling, a calf-lolly, a doddipoll. + You do wisely, by the mass, you do wisely; for had you not been ready to + clap your hind face on the mustard-pot as soon as you came within sight of + these arms—mark ye me, cop’s body—the bottom of your + breeches had supplied the office of a close-stool. + </p> + <p> + Friar John, stopping the handle of his face with his left hand, did, with + the forefinger of the right, point out Panurge’s shirt to + Pantagruel, who, seeing him in this pickle, scared, appalled, shivering, + raving, staring, berayed, and torn with the claws of the famous cat + Rodilardus, could not choose but laugh, and said to him, Prithee what + wouldst thou do with this cat? With this cat? quoth Panurge; the devil + scratch me if I did not think it had been a young soft-chinned devil, + which, with this same stocking instead of mitten, I had snatched up in the + great hutch of hell as thievishly as any sizar of Montague college could + have done. The devil take Tybert! I feel it has all bepinked my poor hide, + and drawn on it to the life I don’t know how many lobsters’ + whiskers. With this he threw his boar-cat down. + </p> + <p> + Go, go, said Pantagruel, be bathed and cleaned, calm your fears, put on a + clean shift, and then your clothes. What! do you think I am afraid? cried + Panurge. Not I, I protest. By the testicles of Hercules, I am more hearty, + bold, and stout, though I say it that should not, than if I had swallowed + as many flies as are put into plumcakes and other paste at Paris from + Midsummer to Christmas. But what’s this? Hah! oh, ho! how the devil + came I by this? Do you call this what the cat left in the malt, filth, + dirt, dung, dejection, faecal matter, excrement, stercoration, + sir-reverence, ordure, second-hand meats, fumets, stronts, scybal, or + spyrathe? ‘Tis Hibernian saffron, I protest. Hah, hah, hah! ‘tis + Irish saffron, by Shaint Pautrick, and so much for this time. Selah. Let’s + drink. + </p> + <p> + END OF BOOK IV. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /> <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001___"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> <br /><br /> + </p> + <h2> + THE FIFTH BOOK + </h2> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h3> + The Author’s Prologue. + </h3> + <p> + Indefatigable topers, and you, thrice precious martyrs of the smock, give + me leave to put a serious question to your worships while you are idly + striking your codpieces, and I myself not much better employed. Pray, why + is it that people say that men are not such sots nowadays as they were in + the days of yore? Sot is an old word that signifies a dunce, dullard, + jolthead, gull, wittol, or noddy, one without guts in his brains, whose + cockloft is unfurnished, and, in short, a fool. Now would I know whether + you would have us understand by this same saying, as indeed you logically + may, that formerly men were fools and in this generation are grown wise? + How many and what dispositions made them fools? How many and what + dispositions were wanting to make ‘em wise? Why were they fools? How + should they be wise? Pray, how came you to know that men were formerly + fools? How did you find that they are now wise? Who the devil made ‘em + fools? Who a God’s name made ‘em wise? Who d’ye think + are most, those that loved mankind foolish, or those that love it wise? + How long has it been wise? How long otherwise? Whence proceeded the + foregoing folly? Whence the following wisdom? Why did the old folly end + now, and no later? Why did the modern wisdom begin now, and no sooner? + What were we the worse for the former folly? What the better for the + succeeding wisdom? How should the ancient folly be come to nothing? How + should this same new wisdom be started up and established? + </p> + <p> + Now answer me, an’t please you. I dare not adjure you in stronger + terms, reverend sirs, lest I make your pious fatherly worships in the + least uneasy. Come, pluck up a good heart; speak the truth and shame the + devil. Be cheery, my lads; and if you are for me, take me off three or + five bumpers of the best, while I make a halt at the first part of the + sermon; then answer my question. If you are not for me, avaunt! avoid, + Satan! For I swear by my great-grandmother’s placket (and that’s + a horrid oath), that if you don’t help me to solve that puzzling + problem, I will, nay, I already do repent having proposed it; for still I + must remain nettled and gravelled, and a devil a bit I know how to get + off. Well, what say you? I’faith, I begin to smell you out. You are + not yet disposed to give me an answer; nor I neither, by these whiskers. + Yet to give some light into the business, I’ll e’en tell you + what had been anciently foretold in the matter by a venerable doctor, who, + being moved by the spirit in a prophetic vein, wrote a book ycleped the + Prelatical Bagpipe. What d’ye think the old fornicator saith? + Hearken, you old noddies, hearken now or never. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +The jubilee’s year, when all like fools were shorn, +Is about thirty supernumerary. +O want of veneration! fools they seemed, +But, persevering, with long breves, at last +No more they shall be gaping greedy fools. +For they shall shell the shrub’s delicious fruit, +Whose flower they in the spring so much had feared. +</pre> + <p> + Now you have it, what do you make on’t? The seer is ancient, the + style laconic, the sentences dark like those of Scotus, though they treat + of matters dark enough in themselves. The best commentators on that good + father take the jubilee after the thirtieth to be the years that are + included in this present age till 1550 (there being but one jubilee every + fifty years). Men shall no longer be thought fools next green peas season. + </p> + <p> + The fools, whose number, as Solomon certifies, is infinite, shall go to + pot like a parcel of mad bedlamites as they are; and all manner of folly + shall have an end, that being also numberless, according to Avicenna, + maniae infinitae sunt species. Having been driven back and hidden towards + the centre during the rigour of the winter, ‘tis now to be seen on + the surface, and buds out like the trees. This is as plain as a nose in a + man’s face; you know it by experience; you see it. And it was + formerly found out by that great good man Hippocrates, Aphorism Verae + etenim maniae, &c. This world therefore wisifying itself, shall no + longer dread the flower and blossoms of every coming spring, that is, as + you may piously believe, bumper in hand and tears in eyes, in the woeful + time of Lent, which used to keep them company. + </p> + <p> + Whole cartloads of books that seemed florid, flourishing, and flowery, + gay, and gaudy as so many butterflies, but in the main were tiresome, + dull, soporiferous, irksome, mischievous, crabbed, knotty, puzzling, and + dark as those of whining Heraclitus, as unintelligible as the numbers of + Pythagoras, that king of the bean, according to Horace; those books, I + say, have seen their best days and shall soon come to nothing, being + delivered to the executing worms and merciless petty chandlers; such was + their destiny, and to this they were predestinated. + </p> + <p> + In their stead beans in cod are started up; that is, these merry and + fructifying Pantagruelian books, so much sought nowadays in expectation of + the following jubilee’s period; to the study of which writings all + people have given their minds, and accordingly have gained the name of + wise. + </p> + <p> + Now I think I have fairly solved and resolved your problem; then reform, + and be the better for it. Hem once or twice like hearts of oak; stand to + your pan-puddings, and take me off your bumpers, nine go-downs, and huzza! + since we are like to have a good vintage, and misers hang themselves. Oh! + they will cost me an estate in hempen collars if fair weather hold. For I + hereby promise to furnish them with twice as much as will do their + business on free cost, as often as they will take the pains to dance at a + rope’s end providently to save charges, to the no small + disappointment of the finisher of the law. + </p> + <p> + Now, my friends, that you may put in for a share of this new wisdom, and + shake off the antiquated folly this very moment, scratch me out of your + scrolls and quite discard the symbol of the old philosopher with the + golden thigh, by which he has forbidden you to eat beans; for you may take + it for a truth granted among all professors in the science of good eating, + that he enjoined you not to taste of them only with the same kind intent + that a certain fresh-water physician had when he did forbid to Amer, late + Lord of Camelotiere, kinsman to the lawyer of that name, the wing of the + partridge, the rump of the chicken, and the neck of the pigeon, saying, + Ala mala, rumpum dubium, collum bonum, pelle remota. For the duncical + dog-leech was so selfish as to reserve them for his own dainty chops, and + allowed his poor patients little more than the bare bones to pick, lest + they should overload their squeamish stomachs. + </p> + <p> + To the heathen philosopher succeeded a pack of Capuchins, monks who forbid + us the use of beans, that is, Pantagruelian books. They seem to follow the + example of Philoxenus and Gnatho, one of whom was a Sicilian of fulsome + memory, the ancient master-builders of their monastic cram-gut + voluptuousness, who, when some dainty bit was served up at a feast, + filthily used to spit on it, that none but their nasty selves might have + the stomach to eat of it, though their liquorish chops watered never so + much after it. + </p> + <p> + So those hideous, snotty, phthisicky, eaves-dropping, musty, moving forms + of mortification, both in public and private, curse those dainty books, + and like toads spit their venom upon them. + </p> + <p> + Now, though we have in our mother-tongue several excellent works in verse + and prose, and, heaven be praised! but little left of the trash and + trumpery stuff of those duncical mumblers of ave-maries and the barbarous + foregoing Gothic age, I have made bold to choose to chirrup and warble my + plain ditty, or, as they say, to whistle like a goose among the swans, + rather than be thought deaf among so many pretty poets and eloquent + orators. And thus I am prouder of acting the clown, or any other + under-part, among the many ingenious actors in that noble play, than of + herding among those mutes, who, like so many shadows and ciphers, only + serve to fill up the house and make up a number, gaping and yawning at the + flies, and pricking up their lugs, like so many Arcadian asses, at the + striking up of the music; thus silently giving to understand that their + fopships are tickled in the right place. + </p> + <p> + Having taken this resolution, I thought it would not be amiss to move my + Diogenical tub, that you might not accuse me of living without example. I + see a swarm of our modern poets and orators, your Colinets, Marots, + Drouets, Saint Gelais, Salels, Masuels, and many more, who, having + commenced masters in Apollo’s academy on Mount Parnassus, and drunk + brimmers at the Caballin fountain among the nine merry Muses, have raised + our vulgar tongue, and made it a noble and everlasting structure. Their + works are all Parian marble, alabaster, porphyry, and royal cement; they + treat of nothing but heroic deeds, mighty things, grave and difficult + matters, and this in a crimson, alamode, rhetorical style. Their writings + are all divine nectar, rich, racy, sparkling, delicate, and luscious wine. + Nor does our sex wholly engross this honour; ladies have had their share + of the glory; one of them, of the royal blood of France, whom it were a + profanation but to name here, surprises the age at once by the + transcendent and inventive genius in her writings and the admirable graces + of her style. Imitate those great examples if you can; for my part I + cannot. Everyone, you know, cannot go to Corinth. When Solomon built the + temple, all could not give gold by handfuls. + </p> + <p> + Since then ‘tis not in my power to improve our architecture as much + as they, I am e’en resolved to do like Renault of Montauban: I’ll + wait on the masons, set on the pot for the masons, cook for the + stone-cutters; and since it was not my good luck to be cut out for one of + them, I will live and die the admirer of their divine writings. + </p> + <p> + As for you, little envious prigs, snarling bastards, puny critics, you’ll + soon have railed your last; go hang yourselves, and choose you out some + well-spread oak, under whose shade you may swing in state, to the + admiration of the gaping mob; you shall never want rope enough. While I + here solemnly protest before my Helicon, in the presence of my nine + mistresses the Muses, that if I live yet the age of a dog, eked out with + that of three crows, sound wind and limbs, like the old Hebrew captain + Moses, Xenophilus the musician, and Demonax the philosopher, by arguments + no ways impertinent, and reasons not to be disputed, I will prove, in the + teeth of a parcel of brokers and retailers of ancient rhapsodies and such + mouldy trash, that our vulgar tongue is not so mean, silly, inept, poor, + barren, and contemptible as they pretend. Nor ought I to be afraid of I + know not what botchers of old threadbare stuff, a hundred and a hundred + times clouted up and pieced together; wretched bunglers that can do + nothing but new-vamp old rusty saws; beggarly scavengers that rake even + the muddiest canals of antiquity for scraps and bits of Latin as + insignificant as they are often uncertain. Beseeching our grandees of + Witland that, as when formerly Apollo had distributed all the treasures of + his poetical exchequer to his favourites, little hulchbacked Aesop got for + himself the office of apologue-monger; in the same manner, since I do not + aspire higher, they would not deny me that of puny rhyparographer, or + riffraff follower of the sect of Pyreicus. + </p> + <p> + I dare swear they will grant me this; for they are all so kind, so + good-natured, and so generous, that they’ll ne’er boggle at so + small a request. Therefore, both dry and hungry souls, pot and + trenchermen, fully enjoying those books, perusing, quoting them in their + merry conventicles, and observing the great mysteries of which they treat, + shall gain a singular profit and fame; as in the like case was done by + Alexander the Great with the books of prime philosophy composed by + Aristotle. + </p> + <p> + O rare! belly on belly! what swillers, what twisters will there be! + </p> + <p> + Then be sure all you that take care not to die of the pip, be sure, I say, + you take my advice, and stock yourselves with good store of such books as + soon as you meet with them at the booksellers; and do not only shell those + beans, but e’en swallow them down like an opiate cordial, and let + them be in you; I say, let them be within you; then you shall find, my + beloved, what good they do to all clever shellers of beans. + </p> + <p> + Here is a good handsome basketful of them, which I here lay before your + worships; they were gathered in the very individual garden whence the + former came. So I beseech you, reverend sirs, with as much respect as was + ever paid by dedicating author, to accept of the gift, in hopes of + somewhat better against next visit the swallows give us. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link5image-0004" id="link5image-0004"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/portrait.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Francois Rabelais--portrait" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002_"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE FIFTH BOOK. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0001" id="link52HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.I.—How Pantagruel arrived at the Ringing Island, and of + the noise that we heard. + </h2> + <p> + Pursuing our voyage, we sailed three days without discovering anything; on + the fourth we made land. Our pilot told us that it was the Ringing Island, + and indeed we heard a kind of a confused and often repeated noise, that + seemed to us at a great distance not unlike the sound of great, + middle-sized, and little bells rung all at once, as ‘tis customary + at Paris, Tours, Gergeau, Nantes, and elsewhere on high holidays; and the + nearer we came to the land the louder we heard that jangling. + </p> + <p> + Some of us doubted that it was the Dodonian kettle, or the portico called + Heptaphone in Olympia, or the eternal humming of the colossus raised on + Memnon’s tomb in Thebes of Egypt, or the horrid din that used + formerly to be heard about a tomb at Lipara, one of the Aeolian islands. + But this did not square with chorography. + </p> + <p> + I do not know, said Pantagruel, but that some swarms of bees hereabouts + may be taking a ramble in the air, and so the neighbourhood make this + dingle-dangle with pans, kettles, and basins, the corybantine cymbals of + Cybele, grandmother of the gods, to call them back. Let’s hearken. + When we were nearer, among the everlasting ringing of these indefatigable + bells we heard the singing, as we thought, of some men. For this reason, + before we offered to land on the Ringing Island, Pantagruel was of opinion + that we should go in the pinnace to a small rock, near which we discovered + an hermitage and a little garden. There we found a diminutive old hermit, + whose name was Braguibus, born at Glenay. He gave us a full account of all + the jangling, and regaled us after a strange sort of fashion—four + livelong days did he make us fast, assuring us that we should not be + admitted into the Ringing Island otherwise, because it was then one of the + four fasting, or ember weeks. As I love my belly, quoth Panurge, I by no + means understand this riddle. Methinks this should rather be one of the + four windy weeks; for while we fast we are only puffed up with wind. Pray + now, good father hermit, have not you here some other pastime besides + fasting? Methinks it is somewhat of the leanest; we might well enough be + without so many palace holidays and those fasting times of yours. In my + Donatus, quoth Friar John, I could find yet but three times or tenses, the + preterit, the present, and the future; doubtless here the fourth ought to + be a work of supererogation. That time or tense, said Epistemon, is + aorist, derived from the preter-imperfect tense of the Greeks, admitted in + war (?) and odd cases. Patience perforce is a remedy for a mad dog. Saith + the hermit: It is, as I told you, fatal to go against this; whosoever does + it is a rank heretic, and wants nothing but fire and faggot, that’s + certain. To deal plainly with you, my dear pater, cried Panurge, being at + sea, I much more fear being wet than being warm, and being drowned than + being burned. + </p> + <p> + Well, however, let us fast, a God’s name; yet I have fasted so long + that it has quite undermined my flesh, and I fear that at last the + bastions of this bodily fort of mine will fall to ruin. Besides, I am much + more afraid of vexing you in this same trade of fasting; for the devil a + bit I understand anything in it, and it becomes me very scurvily, as + several people have told me, and I am apt to believe them. For my part, I + have no great stomach to fasting; for alas! it is as easy as pissing a + bed, and a trade of which anybody may set up; there needs no tools. I am + much more inclined not to fast for the future; for to do so there is some + stock required, and some tools are set a-work. No matter, since you are so + steadfast, and would have us fast, let us fast as fast as we can, and then + breakfast in the name of famine. Now we are come to these esurial idle + days. I vow I had quite put them out of my head long ago. If we must fast, + said Pantagruel, I see no other remedy but to get rid of it as soon as we + can, as we would out of a bad way. I’ll in that space of time + somewhat look over my papers, and examine whether the marine study be as + good as ours at land. For Plato, to describe a silly, raw, ignorant + fellow, compares him to those that are bred on shipboard, as we would do + one bred up in a barrel, who never saw anything but through the bung-hole. + </p> + <p> + To tell you the short and the long of the matter, our fasting was most + hideous and terrible; for the first day we fasted on fisticuffs, the + second at cudgels, the third at sharps, and the fourth at blood and + wounds: such was the order of the fairies. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0002" id="link52HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.II.—How the Ringing Island had been inhabited by the + Siticines, who were become birds. + </h2> + <p> + Having fasted as aforesaid, the hermit gave us a letter for one whom he + called Albian Camar, Master Aedituus of the Ringing Island; but Panurge + greeting him called him Master Antitus. He was a little queer old fellow, + bald-pated, with a snout whereat you might easily have lighted a + card-match, and a phiz as red as a cardinal’s cap. He made us all + very welcome, upon the hermit’s recommendation, hearing that we had + fasted, as I have told you. + </p> + <p> + When we had well stuffed our puddings, he gave us an account of what was + remarkable in the island, affirming that it had been at first inhabited by + the Siticines; but that, according to the course of nature—as all + things, you know, are subject to change—they were become birds. + </p> + <p> + There I had a full account of all that Atteius Capito, Paulus, Marcellus, + A. Gellius, Athenaeus, Suidas, Ammonius, and others had writ of the + Siticines and Sicinnists; and then we thought we might as easily believe + the transmutations of Nectymene, Progne, Itys, Alcyone, Antigone, Tereus, + and other birds. Nor did we think it more reasonable to doubt of the + transmogrification of the Macrobian children into swans, or that of the + men of Pallene in Thrace into birds, as soon as they had bathed themselves + in the Tritonic lake. After this the devil a word could we get out of him + but of birds and cages. + </p> + <p> + The cages were spacious, costly, magnificent, and of an admirable + architecture. The birds were large, fine, and neat accordingly, looking as + like the men in my country as one pea does like another; for they ate and + drank like men, muted like men, endued or digested like men, farted like + men, but stunk like devils; slept, billed, and trod their females like + men, but somewhat oftener: in short, had you seen and examined them from + top to toe, you would have laid your head to a turnip that they had been + mere men. However, they were nothing less, as Master Aedituus told us; + assuring us, at the same time, that they were neither secular nor laic; + and the truth is, the diversity of their feathers and plumes did not a + little puzzle us. + </p> + <p> + Some of them were all over as white as swans, others as black as crows, + many as grey as owls, others black and white like magpies, some all red + like red-birds, and others purple and white like some pigeons. He called + the males clerg-hawks, monk-hawks, priest-hawks, abbot-hawks, bish-hawks, + cardin-hawks, and one pope-hawk, who is a species by himself. He called + the females clerg-kites, nun-kites, priest-kites, abbess-kites, + bish-kites, cardin-kites, and pope-kites. + </p> + <p> + However, said he, as hornets and drones will get among the bees, and there + do nothing but buzz, eat, and spoil everything; so, for these last three + hundred years, a vast swarm of bigottelloes flocked, I do not know how, + among these goodly birds every fifth full moon, and have bemuted, berayed, + and conskited the whole island. They are so hard-favoured and monstrous + that none can abide them. For their wry necks make a figure like a crooked + billet; their paws are hairy, like those of rough-footed pigeons; their + claws and pounces, belly and breech, like those of the Stymphalid harpies. + Nor is it possible to root them out, for if you get rid of one, straight + four-and-twenty new ones fly thither. + </p> + <p> + There had been need of another monster-hunter such as was Hercules; for + Friar John had like to have run distracted about it, so much he was + nettled and puzzled in the matter. As for the good Pantagruel, he was even + served as was Messer Priapus, contemplating the sacrifices of Ceres, for + want of skin. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0003" id="link52HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.III.—How there is but one pope-hawk in the Ringing Island. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link5image-0005" id="link5image-0005"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/5-03-544.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="The Master of Ringing Island--5-03-544" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + We then asked Master Aedituus why there was but one pope-hawk among such + venerable birds multiplied in all their species. He answered that such was + the first institution and fatal destiny of the stars that the clerg-hawks + begot the priest-hawks and monk-hawks without carnal copulation, as some + bees are born of a young bull; the priest-hawks begat the bish-hawks, the + bish-hawks the stately cardin-hawks, and the stately cardin-hawks, if they + live long enough, at last come to be pope-hawk. + </p> + <p> + Of this last kind there never is more than one at a time, as in a beehive + there is but one king, and in the world is but one sun. + </p> + <p> + When the pope-hawk dies, another arises in his stead out of the whole + brood of cardin-hawks, that is, as you must understand it all along, + without carnal copulation. So that there is in that species an individual + unity, with a perpetuity of succession, neither more or less than in the + Arabian phoenix. + </p> + <p> + 'Tis true that, about two thousand seven hundred and sixty moons ago, two + pope-hawks were seen upon the face of the earth; but then you never saw in + your lives such a woeful rout and hurly-burly as was all over this island. + For all these same birds did so peck, clapperclaw, and maul one another + all that time, that there was the devil and all to do, and the island was + in a fair way of being left without inhabitants. Some stood up for this + pope-hawk, some for t’other. Some, struck with a dumbness, were as + mute as so many fishes; the devil a note was to be got out of them; part + of the merry bells here were as silent as if they had lost their tongues, + I mean their clappers. + </p> + <p> + During these troublesome times they called to their assistance the + emperors, kings, dukes, earls, barons, and commonwealths of the world that + live on t’other side the water; nor was this schism and sedition at + an end till one of them died, and the plurality was reduced to a unity. + </p> + <p> + We then asked what moved those birds to be thus continually chanting and + singing. He answered that it was the bells that hung on the top of their + cages. Then he said to us, Will you have me make these monk-hawks whom you + see bardocuculated with a bag such as you use to still brandy, sing like + any woodlarks? Pray do, said we. He then gave half-a-dozen pulls to a + little rope, which caused a diminutive bell to give so many ting-tangs; + and presently a parcel of monk-hawks ran to him as if the devil had drove + 'em, and fell a-singing like mad. + </p> + <p> + Pray, master, cried Panurge, if I also rang this bell could I make those + other birds yonder, with red-herring-coloured feathers, sing? Ay, marry + would you, returned Aedituus. With this Panurge hanged himself (by the + hands, I mean) at the bell-rope’s end, and no sooner made it speak + but those smoked birds hied them thither and began to lift up their voices + and make a sort of untowardly hoarse noise, which I grudge to call + singing. Aedituus indeed told us that they fed on nothing but fish, like + the herns and cormorants of the world, and that they were a fifth kind of + cucullati newly stamped. + </p> + <p> + He added that he had been told by Robert Valbringue, who lately passed + that way in his return from Africa, that a sixth kind was to fly hither + out of hand, which he called capus-hawks, more grum, vinegar-faced, + brain-sick, froward, and loathsome than any kind whatsoever in the whole + island. Africa, said Pantagruel, still uses to produce some new and + monstrous thing. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0004" id="link52HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.IV.—How the birds of the Ringing Island were all + passengers. + </h2> + <p> + Since you have told us, said Pantagruel, how the pope-hawk is begot by the + cardin-hawks, the cardin-hawks by the bish-hawks, and the bish-hawks by + the priest-hawks, and the priest-hawks by the clerg-hawks, I would gladly + know whence you have these same clerg-hawks. They are all of them + passengers, or travelling birds, returned Aedituus, and come hither from t’other + world; part out of a vast country called Want-o’-bread, the rest out + of another toward the west, which they style Too-many-of-’em. From + these two countries flock hither, every year, whole legions of these + clerg-hawks, leaving their fathers, mothers, friends, and relations. + </p> + <p> + This happens when there are too many children, whether male or female, in + some good family of the latter country; insomuch that the house would come + to nothing if the paternal estate were shared among them all (as reason + requires, nature directs, and God commands). For this cause parents use to + rid themselves of that inconveniency by packing off the younger fry, and + forcing them to seek their fortune in this isle Bossart (Crooked Island). + I suppose he means L’Isle Bouchart, near Chinon, cried Panurge. No, + replied t’other, I mean Bossart (Crooked), for there is not one in + ten among them but is either crooked, crippled, blinking, limping, + ill-favoured, deformed, or an unprofitable load to the earth. + </p> + <p> + 'Twas quite otherwise among the heathens, said Pantagruel, when they used + to receive a maiden among the number of vestals; for Leo Antistius affirms + that it was absolutely forbidden to admit a virgin into that order if she + had any vice in her soul or defect in her body, though it were but the + smallest spot on any part of it. I can hardly believe, continued Aedituus, + that their dams on t’other side the water go nine months with them; + for they cannot endure them nine years, nay, scarce seven sometimes, in + the house, but by putting only a shirt over the other clothes of the young + urchins, and lopping off I don’t well know how many hairs from their + crowns, mumbling certain apostrophized and expiatory words, they visibly, + openly, and plainly, by a Pythagorical metempsychosis, without the least + hurt, transmogrify them into such birds as you now see; much after the + fashion of the Egyptian heathens, who used to constitute their isiacs by + shaving them and making them put on certain linostoles, or surplices. + However, I don’t know, my good friends, but that these she-things, + whether clerg-kites, monk-kites, and abbess-kites, instead of singing + pleasant verses and charisteres, such as used to be sung to Oromasis by + Zoroaster’s institution, may be bellowing out such catarates and + scythropys (cursed lamentable and wretched imprecations) as were usually + offered to the Arimanian demon; being thus in devotion for their kind + friends and relations that transformed them into birds, whether when they + were maids, or thornbacks, in their prime, or at their last prayers. + </p> + <p> + But the greatest numbers of our birds came out of Want-o’-bread, + which, though a barren country, where the days are of a most tedious + lingering length, overstocks this whole island with the lower class of + birds. For hither fly the asapheis that inhabit that land, either when + they are in danger of passing their time scurvily for want of + belly-timber, being unable, or, what’s more likely, unwilling to + take heart of grace and follow some honest lawful calling, or too + proud-hearted and lazy to go to service in some sober family. The same is + done by your frantic inamoradoes, who, when crossed in their wild desires, + grow stark staring mad, and choose this life suggested to them by their + despair, too cowardly to make them swing, like their brother Iphis of + doleful memory. There is another sort, that is, your gaol-birds, who, + having done some rogue’s trick or other heinous villainy, and being + sought up and down to be trussed up and made to ride the two or + three-legged mare that groans for them, warily scour off and come here to + save their bacon; because all these sorts of birds are here provided for, + and grow in an instant as fat as hogs, though they came as lean as rakes; + for having the benefit of the clergy, they are as safe as thieves in a + mill within this sanctuary. + </p> + <p> + But, asked Pantagruel, do these birds never return to the world where they + were hatched? Some do, answered Aedituus; formerly very few, very seldom, + very late, and very unwillingly; however, since some certain eclipses, by + the virtue of the celestial constellations, a great crowd of them fled + back to the world. Nor do we fret or vex ourselves a jot about it; for + those that stay wisely sing, The fewer the better cheer; and all those + that fly away, first cast off their feathers here among these nettles and + briars. + </p> + <p> + Accordingly we found some thrown by there; and as we looked up and down, + we chanced to light on what some people will hardly thank us for having + discovered; and thereby hangs a tale. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0005" id="link52HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.V.—Of the dumb Knight-hawks of the Ringing Island. + </h2> + <p> + These words were scarce out of his mouth when some five-and-twenty or + thirty birds flew towards us; they were of a hue and feather like which we + had not seen anything in the whole island. Their plumes were as changeable + as the skin of the chameleon, and the flower of tripolion, or teucrion. + They had all under the left wing a mark like two diameters dividing a + circle into equal parts, or, if you had rather have it so, like a + perpendicular line falling on a right line. The marks which each of them + bore were much of the same shape, but of different colours; for some were + white, others green, some red, others purple, and some blue. Who are + those? asked Panurge; and how do you call them? They are mongrels, quoth + Aedituus. + </p> + <p> + We call them knight-hawks, and they have a great number of rich + commanderies (fat livings) in your world. Good your worship, said I, make + them give us a song, an’t please you, that we may know how they + sing. They scorn your words, cried Aedituus; they are none of your + singing-birds; but, to make amends, they feed as much as the best two of + them all. Pray where are their hens? where are their females? said I. They + have none, answered Aedituus. How comes it to pass then, asked Panurge, + that they are thus bescabbed, bescurfed, all embroidered o’er the + phiz with carbuncles, pushes, and pock-royals, some of which undermine the + handles of their faces? This same fashionable and illustrious disease, + quoth Aedituus, is common among that kind of birds, because they are + pretty apt to be tossed on the salt deep. + </p> + <p> + He then acquainted us with the occasion of their coming. This next to us, + said he, looks so wistfully upon you to see whether he may not find among + your company a stately gaudy kind of huge dreadful birds of prey, which + yet are so untoward that they ne’er could be brought to the lure nor + to perch on the glove. They tell us that there are such in your world, and + that some of them have goodly garters below the knee with an inscription + about them which condemns him (qui mal y pense) who shall think ill of it + to be berayed and conskited. Others are said to wear the devil in a string + before their paunches; and others a ram’s skin. All that’s + true enough, good Master Aedituus, quoth Panurge; but we have not the + honour to be acquainted with their knightships. + </p> + <p> + Come on, cried Aedituus in a merry mood, we have had chat enough o’ + conscience! let’s e’en go drink. And eat, quoth Panurge. Eat, + replied Aedituus, and drink bravely, old boy; twist like plough-jobbers + and swill like tinkers. Pull away and save tide, for nothing is so dear + and precious as time; therefore we will be sure to put it to a good use. + </p> + <p> + He would fain have carried us first to bathe in the bagnios of the + cardin-hawks, which are goodly delicious places, and have us licked over + with precious ointments by the alyptes, alias rubbers, as soon as we + should come out of the bath. But Pantagruel told him that he could drink + but too much without that. He then led us into a spacious delicate + refectory, or fratery-room, and told us: Braguibus the hermit made you + fast four days together; now, contrariwise, I’ll make you eat and + drink of the best four days through stitch before you budge from this + place. But hark ye me, cried Panurge, may not we take a nap in the mean + time? Ay, ay, answered Aedituus; that is as you shall think good; for he + that sleeps, drinks. Good Lord! how we lived! what good bub! what dainty + cheer! O what a honest cod was this same Aedituus! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0006" id="link52HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.VI.—How the birds are crammed in the Ringing Island. + </h2> + <p> + Pantagruel looked I don’t know howish, and seemed not very well + pleased with the four days’ junketting which Aedituus enjoined us. + Aedituus, who soon found it out, said to him, You know, sir, that seven + days before winter, and seven days after, there is no storm at sea; for + then the elements are still out of respect for the halcyons, or + king-fishers, birds sacred to Thetis, which then lay their eggs and hatch + their young near the shore. Now here the sea makes itself amends for this + long calm; and whenever any foreigners come hither it grows boisterous and + stormy for four days together. We can give no other reason for it but that + it is a piece of its civility, that those who come among us may stay + whether they will or no, and be copiously feasted all the while with the + incomes of the ringing. Therefore pray don’t think your time lost; + for, willing, nilling, you’ll be forced to stay, unless you are + resolved to encounter Juno, Neptune, Doris, Aeolus, and his + fluster-busters, and, in short, all the pack of ill-natured left-handed + godlings and vejoves. Do but resolve to be cheery, and fall-to briskly. + </p> + <p> + After we had pretty well stayed our stomachs with some tight snatches, + Friar John said to Aedituus, For aught I see, you have none but a parcel + of birds and cages in this island of yours, and the devil a bit of one of + them all that sets his hand to the plough, or tills the land whose fat he + devours; their whole business is to be frolic, to chirp it, to whistle it, + to warble it, tossing it, and roar it merrily night and day. Pray then, if + I may be so bold, whence comes this plenty and overflowing of all dainty + bits and good things which we see among you? From all the other world, + returned Aedituus, if you except some part of the northern regions, who of + late years have stirred up the jakes. Mum! they may chance ere long to rue + the day they did so; their cows shall have porridge, and their dogs oats; + there will be work made among them, that there will. Come, a fig for’t, + let’s drink. But pray what countrymen are you? Touraine is our + country, answered Panurge. Cod so, cried Aedituus, you were not then + hatched of an ill bird, I will say that for you, since the blessed + Touraine is your mother; for from thence there comes hither every year + such a vast store of good things, that we were told by some folks of the + place that happened to touch at this island, that your Duke of Touraine’s + income will not afford him to eat his bellyful of beans and bacon (a good + dish spoiled between Moses and Pythagoras) because his predecessors have + been more than liberal to these most holy birds of ours, that we might + here munch it, twist it, cram it, gorge it, craw it, riot it, junket it, + and tickle it off, stuffing our puddings with dainty pheasants, + partridges, pullets with eggs, fat capons of Loudunois, and all sorts of + venison and wild fowl. Come, box it about; tope on, my friends. Pray do + you see yon jolly birds that are perched together, how fat, how plump, and + in good case they look, with the income that Touraine yields us! And in + faith they sing rarely for their good founders, that is the truth on’t. + You never saw any Arcadian birds mumble more fairly than they do over a + dish when they see these two gilt batons, or when I ring for them those + great bells that you see above their cages. Drink on, sirs, whip it away. + Verily, friends, ‘tis very fine drinking to-day, and so ‘tis + every day o’ the week; then drink on, toss it about, here’s to + you with all my soul. You are most heartily welcome; never spare it, I + pray you; fear not we should ever want good bub and belly-timber; for, + look here, though the sky were of brass, and the earth of iron, we should + not want wherewithal to stuff the gut, though they were to continue so + seven or eight years longer than the famine in Egypt. Let us then, with + brotherly love and charity, refresh ourselves here with the creature. + </p> + <p> + Woons, man, cried Panurge, what a rare time you have on’t in this + world! Psha, returned Aedituus, this is nothing to what we shall have in t’other; + the Elysian fields will be the least that can fall to our lot. Come, in + the meantime let us drink here; come, here’s to thee, old fuddlecap. + </p> + <p> + Your first Siticines, said I, were superlatively wise in devising thus a + means for you to compass whatever all men naturally covet so much, and so + few, or, to speak more properly, none can enjoy together—I mean, a + paradise in this life, and another in the next. Sure you were born wrapt + in your mother’s smickets! O happy creatures! O more than men! Would + I had the luck to fare like you! (Motteux inserts Chapter XVI. after + Chapter VI.) + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0007" id="link52HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.VII.—How Panurge related to Master Aedituus the fable of + the horse and the ass. + </h2> + <p> + When we had crammed and crammed again, Aedituus took us into a chamber + that was well furnished, hung with tapestry, and finely gilt. Thither he + caused to be brought store of mirobolans, cashou, green ginger preserved, + with plenty of hippocras, and delicious wine. With those antidotes, that + were like a sweet Lethe, he invited us to forget the hardships of our + voyage; and at the same time he sent plenty of provisions on board our + ship that rid in the harbour. After this, we e’en jogged to bed for + that night; but the devil a bit poor pilgarlic could sleep one wink—the + everlasting jingle-jangle of the bells kept me awake whether I would or + no. + </p> + <p> + About midnight Aedituus came to wake us that we might drink. He himself + showed us the way, saying: You men of t’other world say that + ignorance is the mother of all evil, and so far you are right; yet for all + that you do not take the least care to get rid of it, but still plod on, + and live in it, with it, and by it; for which a plaguy deal of mischief + lights on you every day, and you are right enough served—you are + perpetually ailing somewhat, making a moan, and never right. It is what I + was ruminating upon just now. And, indeed, ignorance keeps you here + fastened in bed, just as that bully-rock Mars was detained by Vulcan’s + art; for all the while you do not mind that you ought to spare some of + your rest, and be as lavish as you can of the goods of this famous island. + Come, come, you should have eaten three breakfasts already; and take this + from me for a certain truth, that if you would consume the + mouth-ammunition of this island, you must rise betimes; eat them, they + multiply; spare them, they diminish. + </p> + <p> + For example, mow a field in due season, and the grass will grow thicker + and better; don’t mow it, and in a short time ‘twill be + floored with moss. Let’s drink, and drink again, my friends; come, + let’s all carouse it. The leanest of our birds are now singing to us + all; we’ll drink to them, if you please. Let’s take off one, + two, three, nine bumpers. Non zelus, sed caritas. + </p> + <p> + When day, peeping in the east, made the sky turn from black to red like a + boiling lobster, he waked us again to take a dish of monastical brewis. + From that time we made but one meal, that only lasted the whole day; so + that I cannot well tell how I may call it, whether dinner, supper, + nunchion, or after-supper; only, to get a stomach, we took a turn or two + in the island, to see and hear the blessed singing-birds. + </p> + <p> + At night Panurge said to Aedituus: Give me leave, sweet sir, to tell you a + merry story of something that happened some three and twenty moons ago in + the country of Chastelleraud. + </p> + <p> + One day in April, a certain gentleman’s groom, Roger by name, was + walking his master’s horses in some fallow ground. There ‘twas + his good fortune to find a pretty shepherdess feeding her bleating sheep + and harmless lambkins on the brow of a neighbouring mountain, in the shade + of an adjacent grove; near her, some frisking kids tripped it over a green + carpet of nature’s own spreading, and, to complete the landscape, + there stood an ass. Roger, who was a wag, had a dish of chat with her, and + after some ifs, ands, and buts, hems and heighs on her side, got her in + the mind to get up behind him, to go and see his stable, and there take a + bit by the bye in a civil way. While they were holding a parley, the + horse, directing his discourse to the ass (for all brute beasts spoke that + year in divers places), whispered these words in his ear: Poor ass, how I + pity thee! thou slavest like any hack, I read it on thy crupper. Thou dost + well, however, since God has created thee to serve mankind; thou art a + very honest ass, but not to be better rubbed down, currycombed, trapped, + and fed than thou art, seems to me indeed to be too hard a lot. Alas! thou + art all rough-coated, in ill plight, jaded, foundered, crestfallen, and + drooping, like a mooting duck, and feedest here on nothing but coarse + grass, or briars and thistles. Therefore do but pace it along with me, and + thou shalt see how we noble steeds, made by nature for war, are treated. + Come, thou’lt lose nothing by coming; I’ll get thee a taste of + my fare. I’ troth, sir, I can but love you and thank you, returned + the ass; I’ll wait on you, good Mr. Steed. Methinks, gaffer ass, you + might as well have said Sir Grandpaw Steed. O! cry mercy, good Sir + Grandpaw, returned the ass; we country clowns are somewhat gross, and apt + to knock words out of joint. However, an’t please you, I will come + after your worship at some distance, lest for taking this run my side + should chance to be firked and curried with a vengeance, as it is but too + often, the more is my sorrow. + </p> + <p> + The shepherdess being got behind Roger, the ass followed, fully resolved + to bait like a prince with Roger’s steed; but when they got to the + stable, the groom, who spied the grave animal, ordered one of his + underlings to welcome him with a pitchfork and currycomb him with a + cudgel. The ass, who heard this, recommended himself mentally to the god + Neptune, and was packing off, thinking and syllogizing within himself + thus: Had not I been an ass, I had not come here among great lords, when I + must needs be sensible that I was only made for the use of the small + vulgar. Aesop had given me a fair warning of this in one of his fables. + Well, I must e’en scamper or take what follows. With this he fell + a-trotting, and wincing, and yerking, and calcitrating, alias kicking, and + farting, and funking, and curvetting, and bounding, and springing, and + galloping full drive, as if the devil had come for him in propria persona. + </p> + <p> + The shepherdess, who saw her ass scour off, told Roger that it was her + cattle, and desired he might be kindly used, or else she would not stir + her foot over the threshold. Friend Roger no sooner knew this but he + ordered him to be fetched in, and that my master’s horses should + rather chop straw for a week together than my mistress’s beast + should want his bellyful of corn. + </p> + <p> + The most difficult point was to get him back; for in vain the youngsters + complimented and coaxed him to come. I dare not, said the ass; I am + bashful. And the more they strove by fair means to bring him with them, + the more the stubborn thing was untoward, and flew out at the heels; + insomuch that they might have been there to this hour, had not his + mistress advised them to toss oats in a sieve or in a blanket, and call + him; which was done, and made him wheel about and say, Oats, with a + witness! oats shall go to pot. Adveniat; oats will do, there’s + evidence in the case; but none of the rubbing down, none of the firking. + Thus melodiously singing (for, as you know, that Arcadian bird’s + note is very harmonious) he came to the young gentleman of the horse, + alias black garb, who brought him to the stable. + </p> + <p> + When he was there, they placed him next to the great horse his friend, + rubbed him down, currycombed him, laid clean straw under him up to the + chin, and there he lay at rack and manger, the first stuffed with sweet + hay, the latter with oats; which when the horse’s valet-dear-chambre + sifted, he clapped down his lugs, to tell them by signs that he could eat + it but too well without sifting, and that he did not deserve so great an + honour. + </p> + <p> + When they had well fed, quoth the horse to the ass; Well, poor ass, how is + it with thee now? How dost thou like this fare? Thou wert so nice at + first, a body had much ado to get thee hither. By the fig, answered the + ass, which, one of our ancestors eating, Philemon died laughing, this is + all sheer ambrosia, good Sir Grandpaw; but what would you have an ass say? + Methinks all this is yet but half cheer. Don’t your worships here + now and then use to take a leap? What leaping dost thou mean? asked the + horse; the devil leap thee! dost thou take me for an ass? In troth, Sir + Grandpaw, quoth the ass, I am somewhat of a blockhead, you know, and + cannot, for the heart’s blood of me, learn so fast the court way of + speaking of you gentlemen horses; I mean, don’t you stallionize it + sometimes here among your mettled fillies? Tush, whispered the horse, + speak lower; for, by Bucephalus, if the grooms but hear thee they will + maul and belam thee thrice and threefold, so that thou wilt have but + little stomach to a leaping bout. Cod so, man, we dare not so much as grow + stiff at the tip of the lowermost snout, though it were but to leak or so, + for fear of being jerked and paid out of our lechery. As for anything + else, we are as happy as our master, and perhaps more. By this packsaddle, + my old acquaintance, quoth the ass, I have done with you; a fart for thy + litter and hay, and a fart for thy oats; give me the thistles of our + fields, since there we leap when we list. Eat less, and leap more, I say; + it is meat, drink, and cloth to us. Ah! friend Grandpaw, it would do thy + heart good to see us at a fair, when we hold our provincial chapter! Oh! + how we leap it, while our mistresses are selling their goslings and other + poultry! With this they parted. Dixi; I have done. + </p> + <p> + Panurge then held his peace. Pantagruel would have had him to have gone on + to the end of the chapter; but Aedituus said, A word to the wise is + enough; I can pick out the meaning of that fable, and know who is that + ass, and who the horse; but you are a bashful youth, I perceive. Well, + know that there’s nothing for you here; scatter no words. Yet, + returned Panurge, I saw but even now a pretty kind of a cooing abbess-kite + as white as a dove, and her I had rather ride than lead. May I never stir + if she is not a dainty bit, and very well worth a sin or two. Heaven + forgive me! I meant no more harm in it than you; may the harm I meant in + it befall me presently. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0008" id="link52HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.VIII.—How with much ado we got a sight of the pope-hawk. + </h2> + <p> + Our junketting and banqueting held on at the same rate the third day as + the two former. Pantagruel then earnestly desired to see the pope-hawk; + but Aedituus told him it was not such an easy matter to get a sight of + him. How, asked Pantagruel, has he Plato’s helmet on his crown, + Gyges’s ring on his pounces, or a chameleon on his breast, to make + him invisible when he pleases? No, sir, returned Aedituus; but he is + naturally of pretty difficult access. However, I’ll see and take + care that you may see him, if possible. With this he left us piddling; + then within a quarter of an hour came back, and told us the pope-hawk is + now to be seen. So he led us, without the least noise, directly to the + cage wherein he sat drooping, with his feathers staring about him, + attended by a brace of little cardin-hawks and six lusty fusty bish-hawks. + </p> + <p> + Panurge stared at him like a dead pig, examining exactly his figure, size, + and motions. Then with a loud voice he said, A curse light on the hatcher + of the ill bird; o’ my word, this is a filthy whoop-hooper. Tush, + speak softly, said Aedituus; by G—, he has a pair of ears, as + formerly Michael de Matiscones remarked. What then? returned Panurge; so + hath a whoopcat. So, said Aedituus; if he but hear you speak such another + blasphemous word, you had as good be damned. Do you see that basin yonder + in his cage? Out of it shall sally thunderbolts and lightnings, storms, + bulls, and the devil and all, that will sink you down to Peg Trantum’s, + an hundred fathom under ground. It were better to drink and be merry, + quoth Friar John. + </p> + <p> + Panurge was still feeding his eyes with the sight of the pope-hawk and his + attendants, when somewhere under his cage he perceived a madge-howlet. + With this he cried out, By the devil’s maker, master, there’s + roguery in the case; they put tricks upon travellers here more than + anywhere else, and would make us believe that a t—d’s a + sugarloaf. What damned cozening, gulling, and coney-catching have we here! + Do you see this madge-howlet? By Minerva, we are all beshit. Odsoons, said + Aedituus, speak softly, I tell you. It is no madge-howlet, no she-thing on + my honest word; but a male, and a noble bird. + </p> + <p> + May we not hear the pope-hawk sing? asked Pantagruel. I dare not promise + that, returned Aedituus; for he only sings and eats at his own hours. So + don’t I, quoth Panurge; poor pilgarlic is fain to make everybody’s + time his own; if they have time, I find time. Come, then, let us go drink, + if you will. Now this is something like a tansy, said Aedituus; you begin + to talk somewhat like; still speak in that fashion, and I’ll secure + you from being thought a heretic. Come on, I am of your mind. + </p> + <p> + As we went back to have t’other fuddling bout, we spied an old + green-headed bish-hawk, who sat moping with his mate and three jolly + bittern attendants, all snoring under an arbour. Near the old cuff stood a + buxom abbess-kite that sung like any linnet; and we were so mightily + tickled with her singing that I vow and swear we could have wished all our + members but one turned into ears, to have had more of the melody. Quoth + Panurge, This pretty cherubim of cherubims is here breaking her head with + chanting to this huge, fat, ugly face, who lies grunting all the while + like a hog as he is. I will make him change his note presently, in the + devil’s name. With this he rang a bell that hung over the bish-hawk’s + head; but though he rang and rang again, the devil a bit bish-hawk would + hear; the louder the sound, the louder his snoring. There was no making + him sing. By G—, quoth Panurge, you old buzzard, if you won’t + sing by fair means, you shall by foul. Having said this, he took up one of + St. Stephen’s loaves, alias a stone, and was going to hit him with + it about the middle. But Aedituus cried to him, Hold, hold, honest friend! + strike, wound, poison, kill, and murder all the kings and princes in the + world, by treachery or how thou wilt, and as soon as thou wouldst unnestle + the angels from their cockloft. Pope-hawk will pardon thee all this. But + never be so mad as to meddle with these sacred birds, as much as thou + lovest the profit, welfare, and life not only of thyself, and thy friends + and relations alive or dead, but also of those that may be born hereafter + to the thousandth generation; for so long thou wouldst entail misery upon + them. Do but look upon that basin. Catso! let us rather drink, then, quoth + Panurge. He that spoke last, spoke well, Mr. Antitus, quoth Friar John; + while we are looking on these devilish birds we do nothing but blaspheme; + and while we are taking a cup we do nothing but praise God. Come on, then, + let’s go drink; how well that word sounds! + </p> + <p> + The third day (after we had drank, as you must understand) Aedituus + dismissed us. We made him a present of a pretty little Perguois knife, + which he took more kindly than Artaxerxes did the cup of cold water that + was given him by a clown. He most courteously thanked us, and sent all + sorts of provisions aboard our ships, wished us a prosperous voyage and + success in our undertakings, and made us promise and swear by Jupiter of + stone to come back by his territories. Finally he said to us, Friends, + pray note that there are many more stones in the world than men; take care + you don’t forget it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0009" id="link52HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.IX.—How we arrived at the island of Tools. + </h2> + <p> + Having well ballasted the holds of our human vessels, we weighed anchor, + hoised up sail, stowed the boats, set the land, and stood for the offing + with a fair loom gale, and for more haste unpareled the mizen-yard, and + launched it and the sail over the lee-quarter, and fitted gyves to keep it + steady, and boomed it out; so in three days we made the island of Tools, + that is altogether uninhabited. We saw there a great number of trees which + bore mattocks, pickaxes, crows, weeding-hooks, scythes, sickles, spades, + trowels, hatchets, hedging-bills, saws, adzes, bills, axes, shears, + pincers, bolts, piercers, augers, and wimbles. + </p> + <p> + Others bore dags, daggers, poniards, bayonets, square-bladed tucks, + stilettoes, poniardoes, skeans, penknives, puncheons, bodkins, swords, + rapiers, back-swords, cutlasses, scimitars, hangers, falchions, glaives, + raillons, whittles, and whinyards. + </p> + <p> + Whoever would have any of these needed but to shake the tree, and + immediately they dropped down as thick as hops, like so many ripe plums; + nay, what’s more, they fell on a kind of grass called scabbard, and + sheathed themselves in it cleverly. But when they came down, there was + need of taking care lest they happened to touch the head, feet, or other + parts of the body. For they fell with the point downwards, and in they + stuck, or slit the continuum of some member, or lopped it off like a twig; + either of which generally was enough to have killed a man, though he were + a hundred years old, and worth as many thousand spankers, spur-royals, and + rose-nobles. + </p> + <p> + Under some other trees, whose names I cannot justly tell you, I saw some + certain sorts of weeds that grew and sprouted like pikes, lances, + javelins, javelots, darts, dartlets, halberds, boar-spears, eel-spears, + partizans, tridents, prongs, trout-staves, spears, half-pikes, and + hunting-staves. As they sprouted up and chanced to touch the tree, + straight they met with their heads, points, and blades, each suitable to + its kind, made ready for them by the trees over them, as soon as every + individual wood was grown up, fit for its steel; even like the children’s + coats, that are made for them as soon as they can wear them and you wean + them of their swaddling clothes. Nor do you mutter, I pray you, at what + Plato, Anaxagoras, and Democritus have said. Ods-fish! they were none of + your lower-form gimcracks, were they? + </p> + <p> + Those trees seemed to us terrestrial animals, in no wise so different from + brute beasts as not to have skin, fat, flesh, veins, arteries, ligaments, + nerves, cartilages, kernels, bones, marrow, humours, matrices, brains, and + articulations; for they certainly have some, since Theophrastus will have + it so. But in this point they differed from other animals, that their + heads, that is, the part of their trunks next to the root, are downwards; + their hair, that is, their roots, in the earth; and their feet, that is, + their branches, upside down; as if a man should stand on his head with + outstretched legs. And as you, battered sinners, on whom Venus has + bestowed something to remember her, feel the approach of rains, winds, + cold, and every change of weather, at your ischiatic legs and your + omoplates, by means of the perpetual almanack which she has fixed there; + so these trees have notice given them, by certain sensations which they + have at their roots, stocks, gums, paps, or marrow, of the growth of the + staves under them, and accordingly they prepare suitable points and blades + for them beforehand. Yet as all things, except God, are sometimes subject + to error, nature itself not free from it when it produceth monstrous + things, likewise I observed something amiss in these trees. For a + half-pike that grew up high enough to reach the branches of one of these + instrumentiferous trees, happened no sooner to touch them but, instead of + being joined to an iron head, it impaled a stubbed broom at the fundament. + Well, no matter, ‘twill serve to sweep the chimney. Thus a partizan + met with a pair of garden shears. Come, all’s good for something; + ‘twill serve to nip off little twigs and destroy caterpillars. The + staff of a halberd got the blade of a scythe, which made it look like a + hermaphrodite. Happy-be-lucky, ‘tis all a case; ‘twill serve + for some mower. Oh, ‘tis a great blessing to put our trust in the + Lord! As we went back to our ships I spied behind I don’t know what + bush, I don’t know what folks, doing I don’t know what + business, in I don’t know what posture, scouring I don’t know + what tools, in I don’t know what manner, and I don’t know what + place. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0010" id="link52HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.X.—How Pantagruel arrived at the island of Sharping. + </h2> + <p> + We left the island of Tools to pursue our voyage, and the next day stood + in for the island of Sharping, the true image of Fontainebleau, for the + land is so very lean that the bones, that is, the rocks, shoot through its + skin. Besides, ‘tis sandy, barren, unhealthy, and unpleasant. Our + pilot showed us there two little square rocks which had eight equal points + in the shape of a cube. They were so white that I might have mistaken them + for alabaster or snow, had he not assured us they were made of bone. + </p> + <p> + He told us that twenty chance devils very much feared in our country dwelt + there in six different storeys, and that the biggest twins or braces of + them were called sixes, and the smallest ambs-ace; the rest cinques, + quatres, treys, and deuces. When they were conjured up, otherwise coupled, + they were called either sice cinque, sice quatre, sice trey, sice deuce, + and sice ace; or cinque quatre, cinque trey, and so forth. I made there a + shrewd observation. Would you know what ‘tis, gamesters? ‘Tis + that there are very few of you in the world but what call upon and invoke + the devils. For the dice are no sooner thrown on the board, and the greedy + gazing sparks have hardly said, Two sixes, Frank; but Six devils damn it! + cry as many of them. If ambs-ace; then, A brace of devils broil me! will + they say. Quatre-deuce, Tom; The deuce take it! cries another. And so on + to the end of the chapter. Nay, they don’t forget sometimes to call + the black cloven-footed gentlemen by their Christian names and surnames; + and what is stranger yet, they use them as their greatest cronies, and + make them so often the executors of their wills, not only giving + themselves, but everybody and everything, to the devil, that there’s + no doubt but he takes care to seize, soon or late, what’s so + zealously bequeathed him. Indeed, 'tis true Lucifer does not always + immediately appear by his lawful attorneys; but, alas! ‘tis not for + want of goodwill; he is really to be excused for his delay; for what the + devil would you have a devil do? He and his black guards are then at some + other places, according to the priority of the persons that call on them; + therefore, pray let none be so venturesome as to think that the devils are + deaf and blind. + </p> + <p> + He then told us that more wrecks had happened about those square rocks, + and a greater loss of body and goods, than about all the Syrtes, Scyllas + and Charybdes, Sirens, Strophades, and gulfs in the universe. I had not + much ado to believe it, remembering that formerly, among the wise + Egyptians, Neptune was described in hieroglyphics for the first cube, + Apollo by an ace, Diana by a deuce, Minerva by seven, and so forth. + </p> + <p> + He also told us that there was a phial of sanc-greal, a most divine thing, + and known to a few. Panurge did so sweeten up the syndics of the place + that they blessed us with the sight of ‘t; but it was with three + times more pother and ado, with more formalities and antic tricks, than + they show the pandects of Justinian at Florence, or the holy Veronica at + Rome. I never saw such a sight of flambeaux, torches, and hagios, + sanctified tapers, rush-lights, and farthing candles in my whole life. + After all, that which was shown us was only the ill-faced countenance of a + roasted coney. + </p> + <p> + All that we saw there worth speaking of was a good face set upon an ill + game, and the shells of the two eggs formerly laid up and hatched by Leda, + out of which came Castor and Pollux, fair Helen’s brothers. These + same syndics sold us a piece of ‘em for a song, I mean, for a morsel + of bread. Before we went we bought a parcel of hats and caps of the + manufacture of the place, which, I fear, will turn to no very good + account; nor are those who shall take ‘em off our hands more likely + to commend their wearing. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0011" id="link52HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XI.—How we passed through the wicket inhabited by + Gripe-men-all, Archduke of the Furred Law-cats. + </h2> + <p> + From thence Condemnation was passed by us. ‘Tis another damned + barren island, whereat none for the world cared to touch. Then we went + through the wicket; but Pantagruel had no mind to bear us company, and + ‘twas well he did not, for we were nabbed there, and clapped into + lob’s-pound by order of Gripe-men-all, Archduke of the Furred + Law-cats, because one of our company would ha’ put upon a sergeant + some hats of the Sharping Island. + </p> + <p> + The Furred Law-cats are most terrible and dreadful monsters, they devour + little children, and trample over marble stones. Pray tell me, noble + topers, do they not deserve to have their snouts slit? The hair of their + hides doesn’t lie outward, but inwards, and every mother’s son + of ‘em for his device wears a gaping pouch, but not all in the same + manner; for some wear it tied to their neck scarfwise, others upon the + breech, some on the paunch, others on the side, and all for a cause, with + reason and mystery. They have claws so very strong, long, and sharp that + nothing can get from 'em that is once fast between their clutches. + Sometimes they cover their heads with mortar-like caps, at other times + with mortified caparisons. + </p> + <p> + As we entered their den, said a common mumper, to whom we had given half a + teston, Worshipful culprits, God send you a good deliverance! Examine + well, said he, the countenance of these stout props and pillars of this + catch-coin law and iniquity; and pray observe, that if you still live but + six olympiads, and the age of two dogs more, you’ll see these Furred + Law-cats lords of all Europe, and in peaceful possession of all the + estates and dominions belonging to it; unless, by divine providence, what’s + got over the devil’s back is spent under his belly, or the goods + which they unjustly get perish with their prodigal heirs. Take this from + an honest beggar. + </p> + <p> + Among ‘em reigns the sixth essence; by the means of which they gripe + all, devour all, conskite all, burn all, draw all, hang all, quarter all, + behead all, murder all, imprison all, waste all, and ruin all, without the + least notice of right or wrong; for among them vice is called virtue; + wickedness, piety; treason, loyalty; robbery, justice. Plunder is their + motto, and when acted by them is approved by all men, except the heretics; + and all this they do because they dare; their authority is sovereign and + irrefragable. For a sign of the truth of what I tell you, you’ll + find that there the mangers are above the racks. Remember hereafter that a + fool told you this; and if ever plague, famine, war, fire, earthquakes, + inundations, or other judgments befall the world, do not attribute ‘em + to the aspects and conjunctions of the malevolent planets; to the abuses + of the court of Romania, or the tyranny of secular kings and princes; to + the impostures of the false zealots of the cowl, heretical bigots, false + prophets, and broachers of sects; to the villainy of griping usurers, + clippers, and coiners; or to the ignorance, impudence, and imprudence of + physicians, surgeons, and apothecaries; nor to the lewdness of + adulteresses and destroyers of by-blows; but charge them all, wholly and + solely, to the inexpressible, incredible, and inestimable wickedness and + ruin which is continually hatched, brewed, and practised in the den or + shop of those Furred Law-cats. Yet ‘tis no more known in the world + than the cabala of the Jews, the more’s the pity; and therefore + ‘tis not detested, chastised, and punished as ‘tis fit it + should be. But should all their villainy be once displayed in its true + colours and exposed to the people, there never was, is, nor will be any + spokesman so sweet-mouthed, whose fine colloguing tongue could save + ‘em; nor any law so rigorous and draconic that could punish ‘em + as they deserve; nor yet any magistrate so powerful as to hinder their + being burnt alive in their coneyburrows without mercy. Even their own + furred kittlings, friends, and relations would abominate ‘em. + </p> + <p> + For this reason, as Hannibal was solemnly sworn by his father Amilcar to + pursue the Romans with the utmost hatred as long as ever he lived, so my + late father has enjoined me to remain here without, till God Almighty’s + thunder reduce them there within to ashes, like other presumptuous Titans, + profane wretches, and opposers of God; since mankind is so inured to their + oppressions that they either do not remember, foresee, or have a sense of + the woes and miseries which they have caused; or, if they have, either + will not, dare not, or cannot root ‘em out. + </p> + <p> + How, said Panurge, say you so? Catch me there and hang me! Damme, let’s + march off! This noble beggar has scared me worse than thunder in autumn + (Motteux gives ‘than the thunder would do them.’). Upon this + we were filing off; but, alas! we found ourselves trapped—the door + was double-locked and barricadoed. Some messengers of ill news told us it + was full as easy to get in there as into hell, and no less hard to get + out. Ay, there indeed lay the difficulty, for there is no getting loose + without a pass and discharge in due course from the bench. This for no + other reason than because folks go easier out of a church than out of a + sponging-house, and because they could not have our company when they + would. The worst on’t was when we got through the wicket; for we + were carried, to get out our pass or discharge, before a more dreadful + monster than ever was read of in the legends of knight-errantry. They + called him Gripe-men-all. I can’t tell what to compare it to better + than to a Chimaera, a Sphinx, a Cerberus; or to the image of Osiris, as + the Egyptians represented him, with three heads, one of a roaring lion, t’other + of a fawning cur, and the last of a howling, prowling wolf, twisted about + with a dragon biting his tail, surrounded with fiery rays. His hands were + full of gore, his talons like those of the harpies, his snout like a hawk’s + bill, his fangs or tusks like those of an overgrown brindled wild boar; + his eyes were flaming like the jaws of hell, all covered with mortars + interlaced with pestles, and nothing of his arms was to be seen but his + clutches. His hutch, and that of the warren-cats his collaterals, was a + long, spick-and-span new rack, a-top of which (as the mumper told us) some + large stately mangers were fixed in the reverse. Over the chief seat was + the picture of an old woman holding the case or scabbard of a sickle in + her right hand, a pair of scales in her left, with spectacles on her nose; + the cups or scales of the balance were a pair of velvet pouches, the one + full of bullion, which overpoised t’other, empty and long, hoisted + higher than the middle of the beam. I’m of opinion it was the true + effigies of Justice Gripe-men-all; far different from the institution of + the ancient Thebans, who set up the statues of their dicasts without + hands, in marble, silver, or gold, according to their merit, even after + their death. + </p> + <p> + When we made our personal appearance before him, a sort of I don’t + know what men, all clothed with I don’t know what bags and pouches, + with long scrolls in their clutches, made us sit down upon a cricket (such + as criminals sit on when tried in France). Quoth Panurge to ‘em, + Good my lords, I’m very well as I am; I’d as lief stand, an’t + please you. Besides, this same stool is somewhat of the lowest for a man + that has new breeches and a short doublet. Sit you down, said + Gripe-men-all again, and look that you don’t make the court bid you + twice. Now, continued he, the earth shall immediately open its jaws and + swallow you up to quick damnation if you don’t answer as you should. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0012" id="link52HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XII.—How Gripe-men-all propounded a riddle to us. + </h2> + <p> + When we were sat, Gripe-men-all, in the middle of his furred cats, called + to us in a hoarse dreadful voice, Well, come on, give me presently—an + answer. Well, come on, muttered Panurge between his teeth, give, give me + presently—a comforting dram. Hearken to the court, continued + Gripe-men-all. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +An Enigma. + +A young tight thing, as fair as may be, +Without a dad conceived a baby, +And brought him forth without the pother +In labour made by teeming mother. +Yet the cursed brat feared not to gripe her, +But gnawed, for haste, her sides like viper. +Then the black upstart boldly sallies, +And walks and flies o’er hills and valleys. +Many fantastic sons of wisdom, +Amazed, foresaw their own in his doom; +And thought like an old Grecian noddy, +A human spirit moved his body. +</pre> + <p> + Give, give me out of hand—an answer to this riddle, quoth + Gripe-men-all. Give, give me—leave to tell you, good, good my lord, + answered Panurge, that if I had but a sphinx at home, as Verres one of + your precursors had, I might then solve your enigma presently. But verily, + good my lord, I was not there; and, as I hope to be saved, am as innocent + in the matter as the child unborn. Foh, give me—a better answer, + cried Gripe-men-all; or, by gold, this shall not serve your turn. I’ll + not be paid in such coin; if you have nothing better to offer, I’ll + let your rascalship know that it had been better for you to have fallen + into Lucifer’s own clutches than into ours. Dost thou see ‘em + here, sirrah? hah? and dost thou prate here of thy being innocent, as if + thou couldst be delivered from our racks and tortures for being so? Give + me—Patience! thou widgeon. Our laws are like cobwebs; your silly + little flies are stopped, caught, and destroyed therein, but your stronger + ones break them, and force and carry them which way they please. Likewise, + don’t think we are so mad as to set up our nets to snap up your + great robbers and tyrants. No, they are somewhat too hard for us, there’s + no meddling with them; for they would make no more of us than we make of + the little ones. But you paltry, silly, innocent wretches must make us + amends; and, by gold, we will innocentize your fopship with a wannion, you + never were so innocentized in your days; the devil shall sing mass among + ye. + </p> + <p> + Friar John, hearing him run on at that mad rate, had no longer the power + to remain silent, but cried to him, Heigh-day! Prithee, Mr. Devil in a + coif, wouldst thou have a man tell thee more than he knows? Hasn’t + the fellow told you he does not know a word of the business? His name is + Twyford. A plague rot you! won’t truth serve your turns? Why, how + now, Mr. Prate-apace, cried Gripe-men-all, taking him short, marry come + up, who made you so saucy as to open your lips before you were spoken to? + Give me —Patience! By gold! this is the first time since I have + reigned that anyone has had the impudence to speak before he was bidden. + How came this mad fellow to break loose? (Villain, thou liest, said Friar + John, without stirring his lips.) Sirrah, sirrah, continued Gripe-men-all, + I doubt thou wilt have business enough on thy hands when it comes to thy + turn to answer. (Damme, thou liest, said Friar John, silently.) Dost thou + think, continued my lord, thou art in the wilderness of your foolish + university, wrangling and bawling among the idle, wandering searchers and + hunters after truth? By gold, we have here other fish to fry; we go + another gate’s-way to work, that we do. By gold, people here must + give categorical answers to what they don’t know. By gold, they must + confess they have done those things which they have not nor ought to have + done. By gold, they must protest that they know what they never knew in + their lives; and, after all, patience perforce must be their only remedy, + as well as a mad dog’s. Here silly geese are plucked, yet cackle + not. Sirrah, give me—an account whether you had a letter of + attorney, or whether you were feed or no, that you offered to bawl in + another man’s cause? I see you had no authority to speak, and I may + chance to have you wed to something you won’t like. Oh, you devils, + cried Friar John, proto-devils, panto-devils, you would wed a monk, would + you? Ho hu! ho hu! A heretic! a heretic! I’ll give thee out for a + rank heretic. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0013" id="link52HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XIII.—How Panurge solved Gripe-men-all’s riddle. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link5image-0006" id="link5image-0006"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/5-13-564.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Furred Law Cats Scrambling After the Crowns--5-13-564" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + Gripe-men-all, as if he had not heard what Friar John said, directed his + discourse to Panurge, saying to him, Well, what have you to say for + yourself, Mr. Rogue-enough, hah? Give, give me out of hand—an + answer. Say? quoth Panurge; why, what would you have me say? I say that we + are damnably beshit, since you give no heed at all to the equity of the + plea, and the devil sings among you. Let this answer serve for all, I + beseech you, and let us go out about our business; I am no longer able to + hold out, as gad shall judge me. + </p> + <p> + Go to, go to, cried Gripe-men-all; when did you ever hear that for these + three hundred years last past anybody ever got out of this weel without + leaving something of his behind him? No, no, get out of the trap if you + can without losing leather, life, or at least some hair, and you will have + done more than ever was done yet. For why, this would bring the wisdom of + the court into question, as if we had took you up for nothing, and dealt + wrongfully by you. Well, by hook or by crook, we must have something out + of you. Look ye, it is a folly to make a rout for a fart and ado; one word + is as good as twenty. I have no more to say to thee, but that, as thou + likest thy former entertainment, thou wilt tell me more of the next; for + it will go ten times worse with thee unless, by gold, you give me—a + solution to the riddle I propounded. Give, give—it, without any more + ado. + </p> + <p> + By gold, quoth Panurge, ‘tis a black mite or weevil which is born of + a white bean, and sallies out at the hole which he makes gnawing it; the + mite being turned into a kind of fly, sometimes walks and sometimes flies + over hills and dales. Now Pythagoras, the philosopher, and his sect, + besides many others, wondering at its birth in such a place (which makes + some argue for equivocal generation), thought that by a metempsychosis the + body of that insect was the lodging of a human soul. Now, were you men + here, after your welcomed death, according to his opinion, your souls + would most certainly enter into the body of mites or weevils; for in your + present state of life you are good for nothing in the world but to gnaw, + bite, eat, and devour all things, so in the next you’ll e’en + gnaw and devour your mother’s very sides, as the vipers do. Now, by + gold, I think I have fairly solved and resolved your riddle. + </p> + <p> + May my bauble be turned into a nutcracker, quoth Friar John, if I could + not almost find in my heart to wish that what comes out at my bunghole + were beans, that these evil weevils might feed as they deserve. + </p> + <p> + Panurge then, without any more ado, threw a large leathern purse stuffed + with gold crowns (ecus au soleil) among them. + </p> + <p> + The Furred Law-cats no sooner heard the jingling of the chink but they all + began to bestir their claws, like a parcel of fiddlers running a division; + and then fell to’t, squimble, squamble, catch that catch can. They + all said aloud, These are the fees, these are the gloves; now, this is + somewhat like a tansy. Oh! ‘twas a pretty trial, a sweet trial, a + dainty trial. O’ my word, they did not starve the cause. These are + none of your snivelling forma pauperis’s; no, they are noble + clients, gentlemen every inch of them. By gold, it is gold, quoth Panurge, + good old gold, I’ll assure you. + </p> + <p> + Saith Gripe-men-all, The court, upon a full hearing (of the gold, quoth + Panurge), and weighty reasons given, finds the prisoners not guilty, and + accordingly orders them to be discharged out of custody, paying their + fees. Now, gentlemen, proceed, go forwards, said he to us; we have not so + much of the devil in us as we have of his hue; though we are stout, we are + merciful. + </p> + <p> + As we came out at the wicket, we were conducted to the port by a + detachment of certain highland griffins, scribere cum dashoes, who advised + us before we came to our ships not to offer to leave the place until we + had made the usual presents, first to the Lady Gripe-men-all, then to all + the Furred Law-pusses; otherwise we must return to the place from whence + we came. Well, well, said Friar John, we’ll fumble in our fobs, + examine every one of us his concern, and e’en give the women their + due; we’ll ne’er boggle or stick out on that account; as we + tickled the men in the palm, we’ll tickle the women in the right + place. Pray, gentlemen, added they, don’t forget to leave somewhat + behind you for us poor devils to drink your healths. O lawd! never fear, + answered Friar John, I don’t remember that I ever went anywhere yet + where the poor devils are not remembered and encouraged. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0014" id="link52HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XIV.—How the Furred Law-cats live on corruption. + </h2> + <p> + Friar John had hardly said those words ere he perceived seventy-eight + galleys and frigates just arriving at the port. So he hied him thither to + learn some news; and as he asked what goods they had o’ board, he + soon found that their whole cargo was venison, hares, capons, turkeys, + pigs, swine, bacon, kids, calves, hens, ducks, teals, geese, and other + poultry and wildfowl. + </p> + <p> + He also spied among these some pieces of velvet, satin, and damask. This + made him ask the new-comers whither and to whom they were going to carry + those dainty goods. They answered that they were for Gripe-men-all and the + Furred Law-cats. + </p> + <p> + Pray, asked he, what is the true name of all these things in your country + language? Corruption, they replied. If they live on corruption, said the + friar, they will perish with their generation. May the devil be damned, I + have it now: their fathers devoured the good gentlemen who, according to + their state of life, used to go much a-hunting and hawking, to be the + better inured to toil in time of war; for hunting is an image of a martial + life, and Xenophon was much in the right of it when he affirmed that + hunting had yielded a great number of excellent warriors, as well as the + Trojan horse. For my part, I am no scholar; I have it but by hearsay, yet + I believe it. Now the souls of those brave fellows, according to + Gripe-men-all’s riddle, after their decease enter into wild boars, + stags, roebucks, herns, and such other creatures which they loved, and in + quest of which they went while they were men; and these Furred Law-cats, + having first destroyed and devoured their castles, lands, demesnes, + possessions, rents, and revenues, are still seeking to have their blood + and soul in another life. What an honest fellow was that same mumper who + had forewarned us of all these things, and bid us take notice of the + mangers above the racks! + </p> + <p> + But, said Panurge to the new-comers, how do you come by all this venison? + Methinks the great king has issued out a proclamation strictly inhibiting + the destroying of stags, does, wild boars, roebucks, or other royal game, + on pain of death. All this is true enough, answered one for the rest, but + the great king is so good and gracious, you must know, and these Furred + Law-cats so curst and cruel, so mad, and thirsting after Christian blood, + that we have less cause to fear in trespassing against that mighty + sovereign’s commands than reason to hope to live if we do not + continually stop the mouths of these Furred Law-cats with such bribes and + corruption. Besides, added he, to-morrow Gripe-men-all marries a furred + law-puss of his to a high and mighty double-furred law-tybert. Formerly we + used to call them chop-hay; but alas! they are not such neat creatures now + as to eat any, or chew the cud. We call them chop-hares, chop-partridges, + chop-woodcocks, chop-pheasants, chop-pullets, chop-venison, chop-coneys, + chop-pigs, for they scorn to feed on coarser meat. A t—d for their + chops, cried Friar John, next year we’ll have ‘em called + chop-dung, chop-stront, chop-filth. + </p> + <p> + Would you take my advice? added he to the company. What is it? answered + we. Let’s do two things, returned he. First, let us secure all this + venison and wild fowl—I mean, paying well for them; for my part, I + am but too much tired already with our salt meat, it heats my flanks so + horribly. In the next place, let’s go back to the wicket, and + destroy all these devilish Furred Law-cats. For my part, quoth Panurge, I + know better things; catch me there, and hang me. No, I am somewhat more + inclined to be fearful than bold; I love to sleep in a whole skin. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0015" id="link52HCH0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XV.—How Friar John talks of rooting out the Furred + Law-cats. + </h2> + <p> + Virtue of the frock, quoth Friar John, what kind of voyage are we making? + A shitten one, o’ my word; the devil of anything we do but fizzling, + farting, funking, squattering, dozing, raving, and doing nothing. + Ods-belly, ‘tisn’t in my nature to lie idle; I mortally hate + it. Unless I am doing some heroic feat every foot, I can’t sleep one + wink o’ nights. Damn it, did you then take me along with you for + your chaplain, to sing mass and shrive you? By Maundy Thursday, the first + of ye all that comes to me on such an account shall be fitted; for the + only penance I’ll enjoin shall be, that he immediately throw himself + headlong overboard into the sea like a base cowhearted son of ten fathers. + This in deduction of the pains of purgatory. + </p> + <p> + What made Hercules such a famous fellow, d’ye think? Nothing but + that while he travelled he still made it his business to rid the world of + tyrannies, errors, dangers, and drudgeries; he still put to death all + robbers, all monsters, all venomous serpents and hurtful creatures. Why + then do we not follow his example, doing as he did in the countries + through which we pass? He destroyed the Stymphalides, the Lernaean hydra, + Cacus, Antheus, the Centaurs, and what not; I am no clericus, those that + are such tell me so. + </p> + <p> + In imitation of that noble by-blow, let’s destroy and root out these + wicked Furred Law-cats, that are a kind of ravenous devils; thus we shall + remove all manner of tyranny out of the land. Mawmet’s tutor swallow + me body and soul, tripes and guts, if I would stay to ask your help or + advice in the matter were I but as strong as he was. Come, he that would + be thought a gentleman, let him storm a town; well, then, shall we go? I + dare swear we’ll do their business for them with a wet finger; they’ll + bear it, never fear; since they could swallow down more foul language that + came from us than ten sows and their babies could swill hogwash. Damn + ‘em, they don’t value all the ill words or dishonour in the + world at a rush, so they but get the coin into their purses, though they + were to have it in a shitten clout. Come, we may chance to kill ‘em + all, as Hercules would have done had they lived in his time. We only want + to be set to work by another Eurystheus, and nothing else for the present, + unless it be what I heartily wish them, that Jupiter may give ‘em a + short visit, only some two or three hours long, and walk among their + lordships in the same equipage that attended him when he came last to his + Miss Semele, jolly Bacchus’s mother. + </p> + <p> + 'Tis a very great mercy, quoth Panurge, that you have got out of their + clutches. For my part, I have no stomach to go there again; I’m + hardly come to myself yet, so scared and appalled I was. My hair still + stands up an end when I think on’t; and most damnably troubled I was + there, for three very weighty reasons. First, because I was troubled. + Secondly, because I was troubled. Thirdly and lastly, because I was + troubled. Hearken to me a little on thy right side, Friar John, my left + cod, since thou’lt not hear at the other. Whenever the maggot bites + thee to take a trip down to hell and visit the tribunal of Minos, Aeacus, + Rhadamanthus, (and Dis,) do but tell me, and I’ll be sure to bear + thee company, and never leave thee as long as my name’s Panurge, but + will wade over Acheron, Styx, and Cocytus, drink whole bumpers of Lethe’s + water—though I mortally hate that element —and even pay thy + passage to that bawling, cross-grained ferryman, Charon. But as for the + damned wicket, if thou art so weary of thy life as to go thither again, + thou mayst e’en look for somebody else to bear thee company, for I’ll + not move one step that way; e’en rest satisfied with this positive + answer. By my good will I’ll not stir a foot to go thither as long + as I live, any more than Calpe will come over to Abyla (Here Motteux adds + the following note: ‘Calpe is a mountain in Spain that faces + another, called Abyla, in Mauritania, both said to have been severed by + Hercules.’). Was Ulysses so mad as to go back into the Cyclop’s + cave to fetch his sword? No, marry was he not. Now I have left nothing + behind me at the wicket through forgetfulness; why then should I think of + going thither? + </p> + <p> + Well, quoth Friar John, as good sit still as rise up and fall; what cannot + be cured must be endured. But, prithee, let’s hear one another + speak. Come, wert thou not a wise doctor to fling away a whole purse of + gold on those mangy scoundrels? Ha! A squinsy choke thee! we were too + rich, were we? Had it not been enough to have thrown the hell-hounds a few + cropped pieces of white cash? + </p> + <p> + How could I help it? returned Panurge. Did you not see how Gripe-men-all + held his gaping velvet pouch, and every moment roared and bellowed, By + gold, give me out of hand; by gold, give, give, give me presently? Now, + thought I to myself, we shall never come off scot-free. I’ll e’en + stop their mouths with gold, that the wicket may be opened, and we may get + out; the sooner the better. And I judged that lousy silver would not do + the business; for, d’ye see, velvet pouches do not use to gape for + little paltry clipt silver and small cash; no, they are made for gold, my + friend John; that they are, my dainty cod. Ah! when thou hast been larded, + basted, and roasted, as I was, thou wilt hardly talk at this rate, I + doubt. But now what is to be done? We are enjoined by them to go forwards. + </p> + <p> + The scabby slabberdegullions still waited for us at the port, expecting to + be greased in the fist as well as their masters. Now when they perceived + that we were ready to put to sea, they came to Friar John and begged that + we would not forget to gratify the apparitors before we went off, + according to the assessment for the fees at our discharge. Hell and + damnation! cried Friar John; are ye here still, ye bloodhounds, ye citing, + scribbling imps of Satan? Rot you, am I not vexed enough already, but you + must have the impudence to come and plague me, ye scurvy fly-catchers you? + By cob’s-body, I’ll gratify your ruffianships as you deserve; + I’ll apparitorize you presently with a wannion, that I will. With + this, he lugged out his slashing cutlass, and in a mighty heat came out of + the ship to cut the cozening varlets into steaks, but they scampered away + and got out of sight in a trice. + </p> + <p> + However, there was somewhat more to do, for some of our sailors, having + got leave of Pantagruel to go ashore while we were had before + Gripe-men-all, had been at a tavern near the haven to make much of + themselves, and roar it, as seamen will do when they come into some port. + Now I don’t know whether they had paid their reckoning to the full + or no, but, however it was, an old fat hostess, meeting Friar John on the + quay, was making a woeful complaint before a sergeant, son-in-law to one + of the furred law-cats, and a brace of bums, his assistants. + </p> + <p> + The friar, who did not much care to be tired with their impertinent + prating, said to them, Harkee me, ye lubberly gnat-snappers! do ye presume + to say that our seamen are not honest men? I’ll maintain they are, + ye dotterels, and will prove it to your brazen faces, by justice—I + mean, this trusty piece of cold iron by my side. With this he lugged it + out and flourished with it. The forlorn lobcocks soon showed him their + backs, betaking themselves to their heels; but the old fusty landlady kept + her ground, swearing like any butter-whore that the tarpaulins were very + honest cods, but that they only forgot to pay for the bed on which they + had lain after dinner, and she asked fivepence, French money, for the said + bed. May I never sup, said the friar, if it be not dog-cheap; they are + sorry guests and unkind customers, that they are; they do not know when + they have a pennyworth, and will not always meet with such bargains. Come, + I myself will pay you the money, but I would willingly see it first. + </p> + <p> + The hostess immediately took him home with her, and showed him the bed, + and having praised it for all its good qualifications, said that she + thought as times went she was not out of the way in asking fivepence for + it. Friar John then gave her the fivepence; and she no sooner turned her + back but he presently began to rip up the ticking of the feather-bed and + bolster, and threw all the feathers out at the window. In the meantime the + old hag came down and roared out for help, crying out murder to set all + the neighbourhood in an uproar. Yet she also fell to gathering the + feathers that flew up and down in the air, being scattered by the wind. + Friar John let her bawl on, and, without any further ado, marched off with + the blanket, quilt, and both the sheets, which he brought aboard + undiscovered, for the air was darkened with the feathers, as it uses + sometimes to be with snow. He gave them away to the sailors; then said to + Pantagruel that beds were much cheaper at that place than in Chinnonois, + though we have there the famous geese of Pautile; for the old beldam had + asked him but fivepence for a bed which in Chinnonois had been worth about + twelve francs. (As soon as Friar John and the rest of the company were + embarked, Pantagruel set sail. But there arose a south-east wind, which + blew so vehemently they lost their way, and in a manner going back to the + country of the Furred Law-cats, they entered into a huge gulf, where the + sea ran so high and terrible that the shipboy on the top of the mast cried + out he again saw the habitation of Gripe-men-all; upon which Panurge, + frightened almost out of his wits, roared out, Dear master, in spite of + the wind and waves, change your course, and turn the ship’s head + about. O my friend, let us come no more into that cursed country where I + left my purse. So the wind carried them near an island, where however they + did not dare at first to land, but entered about a mile off. (Motteux + omitted this passage altogether in the edition of 1694. It was restored by + Ozell in the edition of 1738.)) + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0016" id="link52HCH0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XVI.—How Pantagruel came to the island of the Apedefers, + or Ignoramuses, with long claws and crooked paws, and of terrible + adventures and monsters there. + </h2> + <p> + As soon as we had cast anchor and had moored the ship, the pinnace was put + over the ship’s side and manned by the coxswain’s crew. When + the good Pantagruel had prayed publicly, and given thanks to the Lord that + had delivered him from so great a danger, he stepped into it with his + whole company to go on shore, which was no ways difficult to do, for, as + the sea was calm and the winds laid, they soon got to the cliffs. When + they were set on shore, Epistemon, who was admiring the situation of the + place and the strange shape of the rocks, discovered some of the natives. + The first he met had on a short purple gown, a doublet cut in panes, like + a Spanish leather jerkin, half sleeves of satin, and the upper part of + them leather, a coif like a black pot tipped with tin. He was a good + likely sort of a body, and his name, as we heard afterwards, was + Double-fee. Epistemon asked him how they called those strange craggy rocks + and deep valleys. He told them it was a colony brought out of + Attorneyland, and called Process, and that if we forded the river somewhat + further beyond the rocks we should come into the island of the Apedefers. + By the memory of the decretals, said Friar John, tell us, I pray you, what + you honest men here live on? Could not a man take a chirping bottle with + you to taste your wine? I can see nothing among you but parchment, + ink-horns, and pens. We live on nothing else, returned Double-fee; and all + who live in this place must come through my hands. How, quoth Panurge, are + you a shaver, then? Do you fleece ‘em? Ay, ay, their purse, answered + Double-fee; nothing else. By the foot of Pharaoh, cried Panurge, the devil + a sou will you get of me. However, sweet sir, be so kind as to show an + honest man the way to those Apedefers, or ignorant people, for I come from + the land of the learned, where I did not learn over much. + </p> + <p> + Still talking on, they got to the island of the Apedefers, for they were + soon got over the ford. Pantagruel was not a little taken up with admiring + the structure and habitation of the people of the place. For they live in + a swingeing wine-press, fifty steps up to it. You must know there are some + of all sorts, little, great, private, middle-sized, and so forth. You go + through a large peristyle, alias a long entry set about with pillars, in + which you see, in a kind of landscape, the ruins of almost the whole + world, besides so many great robbers’ gibbets, so many gallows and + racks, that ‘tis enough to fright you out of your seven senses. + Double-fee perceiving that Pantagruel was taken up with contemplating + those things, Let us go further, sir, said he to him; all this is nothing + yet. Nothing, quotha, cried Friar John; by the soul of my overheated + codpiece, friend Panurge and I here shake and quiver for mere hunger. I + had rather be drinking than staring at these ruins. Pray come along, sir, + said Double-fee. He then led us into a little wine-press that lay + backwards in a blind corner, and was called Pithies in the language of the + country. You need not ask whether Master John and Panurge made much of + their sweet selves there; it is enough that I tell you there was no want + of Bolognia sausages, turkey poots, capons, bustards, malmsey, and all + other sorts of good belly-timber, very well dressed. + </p> + <p> + A pimping son of ten fathers, who, for want of a better, did the office of + a butler, seeing that Friar John had cast a sheep’s eye at a choice + bottle that stood near a cupboard by itself, at some distance from the + rest of the bottellic magazine, like a jack-in-an-office said to + Pantagruel, Sir, I perceive that one of your men here is making love to + this bottle. He ogles it, and would fain caress it; but I beg that none + offer to meddle with it; for it is reserved for their worships. How, cried + Panurge, there are some grandees here then, I see. It is vintage time with + you, I perceive. + </p> + <p> + Then Double-fee led us up to a private staircase, and showed us into a + room, whence, without being seen, out at a loophole we could see their + worships in the great wine-press, where none could be admitted without + their leave. Their worships, as he called them, were about a score of + fusty crack-ropes and gallow-clappers, or rather more, all posted before a + bar, and staring at each other like so many dead pigs. Their paws were as + long as a crane’s foot, and their claws four-and-twenty inches long + at least; for you must know they are enjoined never to pare off the least + chip of them, so that they grow as crooked as a Welsh hook or a + hedging-bill. + </p> + <p> + We saw a swingeing bunch of grapes that are gathered and squeezed in that + country, brought in by them. As soon as it was laid down, they clapped it + into the press, and there was not a bit of it out of which each of them + did not squeeze some oil of gold; insomuch that the poor grape was tried + with a witness, and brought off so drained and picked, and so dry, that + there was not the least moisture, juice, or substance left in it; for they + had pressed out its very quintessence. + </p> + <p> + Double-fee told us they had not often such huge bunches; but, let the + worst come to the worst, they were sure never to be without others in + their press. But hark you me, master of mine, asked Panurge, have they not + some of different growth? Ay, marry have they, quoth Double-fee. Do you + see here this little bunch, to which they are going to give t’other + wrench? It is of tithe-growth, you must know; they crushed, wrung, + squeezed and strained out the very heart’s blood of it but the other + day; but it did not bleed freely; the oil came hard, and smelt of the + priest’s chest; so that they found there was not much good to be got + out of it. Why then, said Pantagruel, do they put it again into the press? + Only, answered Double-fee, for fear there should still lurk some juice + among the husks and hullings in the mother of the grape. The devil be + damned! cried Friar John; do you call these same folks illiterate lobcocks + and duncical doddipolls? May I be broiled like a red herring if I do not + think they are wise enough to skin a flint and draw oil out of a brick + wall. So they are, said Double-fee; for they sometimes put castles, parks, + and forests into the press, and out of them all extract aurum potabile. + You mean portabile, I suppose, cried Epistemon, such as may be borne. I + mean as I said, replied Double-fee, potabile, such as may be drunk; for it + makes them drink many a good bottle more than otherwise they should. + </p> + <p> + But I cannot better satisfy you as to the growth of the vine-tree sirup + that is here squeezed out of grapes, than in desiring you to look yonder + in that back-yard, where you will see above a thousand different growths + that lie waiting to be squeezed every moment. Here are some of the public + and some of the private growth; some of the builders’ + fortifications, loans, gifts, and gratuities, escheats, forfeitures, + fines, and recoveries, penal statutes, crown lands, and demesne, privy + purse, post-offices, offerings, lordships of manors, and a world of other + growths, for which we want names. Pray, quoth Epistemon, tell me of what + growth is that great one, with all those little grapelings about it. Oh, + oh! returned Double-fee, that plump one is of the treasury, the very best + growth in the whole country. Whenever anyone of that growth is squeezed, + there is not one of their worships but gets juice enough of it to soak his + nose six months together. When their worships were up, Pantagruel desired + Double-fee to take us into that great wine-press, which he readily did. As + soon as we were in, Epistemon, who understood all sorts of tongues, began + to show us many devices on the press, which was large and fine, and made + of the wood of the cross—at least Double-fee told us so. On each + part of it were names of everything in the language of the country. The + spindle of the press was called receipt; the trough, cost and damages; the + hole for the vice-pin, state; the side-boards, money paid into the office; + the great beam, respite of homage; the branches, radietur; the side-beams, + recuperetur; the fats, ignoramus; the two-handled basket, the rolls; the + treading-place, acquittance; the dossers, validation; the panniers, + authentic decrees; the pailes, potentials; the funnels, quietus est. + </p> + <p> + By the Queen of the Chitterlings, quoth Panurge, all the hieroglyphics of + Egypt are mine a— to this jargon. Why! here are a parcel of words + full as analogous as chalk and cheese, or a cat and a cart-wheel! But why, + prithee, dear Double-fee, do they call these worshipful dons of yours + ignorant fellows? Only, said Double-fee, because they neither are, nor + ought to be, clerks, and all must be ignorant as to what they transact + here; nor is there to be any other reason given, but, The court hath said + it; The court will have it so; The court has decreed it. Cop’s body, + quoth Pantagruel, they might full as well have called ‘em necessity; + for necessity has no law. + </p> + <p> + From thence, as he was leading us to see a thousand little puny presses, + we spied another paltry bar, about which sat four are five ignorant + waspish churls, of so testy, fuming a temper, (like an ass with squibs and + crackers tied to its tail,) and so ready to take pepper in the nose for + yea and nay, that a dog would not have lived with ‘em. They were + hard at it with the lees and dregs of the grapes, which they gripped over + and over again, might and main, with their clenched fists. They were + called contractors in the language of the country. These are the ugliest, + misshapen, grim-looking scrubs, said Friar John, that ever were beheld, + with or without spectacles. Then we passed by an infinite number of little + pimping wine-presses all full of vintage-mongers, who were picking, + examining, and raking the grapes with some instruments called + bills-of-charge. + </p> + <p> + Finally we came into a hall downstairs, where we saw an overgrown cursed + mangy cur with a pair of heads, a wolf’s belly, and claws like the + devil of hell. The son of a bitch was fed with costs, for he lived on a + multiplicity of fine amonds and amerciaments by order of their worships, + to each of whom the monster was worth more than the best farm in the land. + In their tongue of ignorance they called him Twofold. His dam lay by him, + and her hair and shape was like her whelp’s, only she had four + heads, two male and two female, and her name was Fourfold. She was + certainly the most cursed and dangerous creature of the place, except her + grandam, which we saw, and had been kept locked up in a dungeon time out + of mind, and her name was Refusing-of-fees. + </p> + <p> + Friar John, who had always twenty yards of gut ready empty to swallow a + gallimaufry of lawyers, began to be somewhat out of humour, and desired + Pantagruel to remember he had not dined, and bring Double-fee along with + him. So away we went, and as we marched out at the back-gate whom should + we meet but an old piece of mortality in chains. He was half ignorant and + half learned, like an hermaphrodite of Satan. The fellow was all + caparisoned with spectacles as a tortoise is with shells, and lived on + nothing but a sort of food which, in their gibberish, was called appeals. + Pantagruel asked Double-fee of what breed was that prothonotary, and what + name they gave him. Double-fee told us that time out of mind he had been + kept there in chains, to the great grief of their worships, who starved + him, and his name was Review. By the pope’s sanctified two-pounders, + cried Friar John, I do not much wonder at the meagre cheer which this old + chuff finds among their worships. Do but look a little on the + weather-beaten scratch-toby, friend Panurge; by the sacred tip of my cowl, + I’ll lay five pounds to a hazel-nut the foul thief has the very + looks of Gripe-me-now. These same fellows here, ignorant as they be, are + as sharp and knowing as other folk. But were it my case, I would send him + packing with a squib in his breech like a rogue as he is. By my oriental + barnacles, quoth Panurge, honest friar, thou art in the right; for if we + but examine that treacherous Review’s ill-favoured phiz, we find + that the filthy snudge is yet more mischievous and ignorant than these + ignorant wretches here, since they (honest dunces) grapple and glean with + as little harm and pother as they can, without any long fiddle-cum-farts + or tantalizing in the case; nor do they dally and demur in your suit, but + in two or three words, whip-stitch, in a trice, they finish the vintage of + the close, bating you all these damned tedious interlocutories, + examinations, and appointments which fret to the heart’s blood your + furred law-cats. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0017" id="link52HCH0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XVII.—How we went forwards, and how Panurge had like to + have been killed. + </h2> + <p> + We put to sea that very moment, steering our course forwards, and gave + Pantagruel a full account of our adventures, which so deeply struck him + with compassion that he wrote some elegies on that subject to divert + himself during the voyage. When we were safe in the port we took some + refreshment, and took in fresh water and wood. The people of the place, + who had the countenance of jolly fellows and boon companions, were all of + them forward folks, bloated and puffed up with fat. And we saw some who + slashed and pinked their skins to open a passage to the fat, that it might + swell out at the slits and gashes which they made; neither more nor less + than the shit-breech fellows in our country bepink and cut open their + breeches that the taffety on the inside may stand out and be puffed up. + They said that what they did was not out of pride or ostentation, but + because otherwise their skins would not hold them without much pain. + Having thus slashed their skin, they used to grow much bigger, like the + young trees on whose barks the gardeners make incisions that they may grow + the better. + </p> + <p> + Near the haven there was a tavern, which forwards seemed very fine and + stately. We repaired thither, and found it filled with people of the + forward nation, of all ages, sexes, and conditions; so that we thought + some notable feast or other was getting ready, but we were told that all + that throng were invited to the bursting of mine host, which caused all + his friends and relations to hasten thither. + </p> + <p> + We did not understand that jargon, and therefore thought in that country + by that bursting they meant some merry meeting or other, as we do in ours + by betrothing, wedding, groaning, christening, churching (of women), + shearing (of sheep), reaping (of corn, or harvest-home), and many other + junketting bouts that end in -ing. But we soon heard that there was no + such matter in hand. + </p> + <p> + The master of the house, you must know, had been a good fellow in his + time, loved heartily to wind up his bottom, to bang the pitcher, and lick + his dish. He used to be a very fair swallower of gravy soup, a notable + accountant in matter of hours, and his whole life was one continual + dinner, like mine host at Rouillac (in Perigord). But now, having farted + out much fat for ten years together, according to the custom of the + country, he was drawing towards his bursting hour; for neither the inner + thin kell wherewith the entrails are covered, nor his skin that had been + jagged and mangled so many years, were able to hold and enclose his guts + any longer, or hinder them from forcing their way out. Pray, quoth + Panurge, is there no remedy, no help for the poor man, good people? Why + don’t you swaddle him round with good tight girths, or secure his + natural tub with a strong sorb-apple-tree hoop? Nay, why don’t you + iron-bind him, if needs be? This would keep the man from flying out and + bursting. The word was not yet out of his mouth when we heard something + give a loud report, as if a huge sturdy oak had been split in two. Then + some of the neighbours told us that the bursting was over, and that the + clap or crack which we heard was the last fart, and so there was an end of + mine host. + </p> + <p> + This made me call to mind a saying of the venerable abbot of Castilliers, + the very same who never cared to hump his chambermaids but when he was in + pontificalibus. That pious person, being much dunned, teased, and + importuned by his relations to resign his abbey in his old age, said and + professed that he would not strip till he was ready to go to bed, and that + the last fart which his reverend paternity was to utter should be the fart + of an abbot. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0018" id="link52HCH0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XVIII.—How our ships were stranded, and we were relieved + by some people that were subject to Queen Whims (qui tenoient de la + Quinte). + </h2> + <p> + We weighed and set sail with a merry westerly gale. When about seven + leagues off (twenty-two miles) some gusts or scuds of wind suddenly arose, + and the wind veering and shifting from point to point, was, as they say, + like an old woman’s breech, at no certainty; so we first got our + starboard tacks aboard, and hauled off our lee-sheets. Then the gusts + increased, and by fits blowed all at once from several quarters, yet we + neither settled nor braided up close our sails, but only let fly the + sheets, not to go against the master of the ship’s direction; and + thus having let go amain, lest we should spend our topsails, or the ship’s + quick-side should lie in the water and she be overset, we lay by and run + adrift; that is, in a landloper’s phrase, we temporized it. For he + assured us that, as these gusts and whirlwinds would not do us much good, + so they could not do us much harm, considering their easiness and pleasant + strife, as also the clearness of the sky and calmness of the current. So + that we were to observe the philosopher’s rule, bear and forbear; + that is, trim, or go according to the time. + </p> + <p> + However, these whirlwinds and gusts lasted so long that we persuaded the + master to let us go and lie at trie with our main course; that is, to haul + the tack aboard, the sheet close aft, the bowline set up, and the helm + tied close aboard; so, after a stormy gale of wind, we broke through the + whirlwind. But it was like falling into Scylla to avoid Charybdis (out of + the frying-pan into the fire). For we had not sailed a league ere our + ships were stranded upon some sands such as are the flats of St. Maixent. + </p> + <p> + All our company seemed mightily disturbed except Friar John, who was not a + jot daunted, and with sweet sugar-plum words comforted now one and then + another, giving them hopes of speedy assistance from above, and telling + them that he had seen Castor at the main-yardarm. Oh! that I were but now + ashore, cried Panurge, that is all I wish for myself at present, and that + you who like the sea so well had each man of you two hundred thousand + crowns. I would fairly let you set up shop on these sands, and would get a + fat calf dressed and a hundred of faggots (i.e. bottles of wine) cooled + for you against you come ashore. I freely consent never to mount a wife, + so you but set me ashore and mount me on a horse, that I may go home. No + matter for a servant, I will be contented to serve myself; I am never + better treated than when I am without a man. Faith, old Plautus was in the + right on’t when he said the more servants the more crosses; for such + they are, even supposing they could want what they all have but too much + of, a tongue, that most busy, dangerous, and pernicious member of + servants. Accordingly, ‘twas for their sakes alone that the racks + and tortures for confession were invented, though some foreign civilians + in our time have drawn alogical and unreasonable consequences from it. + </p> + <p> + That very moment we spied a sail that made towards us. When it was close + by us, we soon knew what was the lading of the ship and who was aboard of + her. She was full freighted with drums. I was acquainted with many of the + passengers that came in her, who were most of ‘em of good families; + among the rest Harry Cotiral, an old toast, who had got a swinging ass’s + touch-tripe (penis) fastened to his waist, as the good women’s beads + are to their girdle. In his left hand he held an old overgrown greasy foul + cap, such as your scald-pated fellows wear, and in the right a huge + cabbage-stump. + </p> + <p> + As soon as he saw me he was overjoyed, and bawled out to me, What cheer, + ho? How dost like me now? Behold the true Algamana (this he said showing + me the ass’s tickle-gizzard). This doctor’s cap is my true + elixir; and this (continued he, shaking the cabbage-stump in his fist) is + lunaria major, you old noddy. I have ‘em, old boy, I have ‘em; + we’ll make ‘em when thou’rt come back. But pray, father, + said I, whence come you? Whither are you bound? What’s your lading? + Have you smelt the salt deep? To these four questions he answered, From + Queen Whims; for Touraine; alchemy; to the very bottom. + </p> + <p> + Whom have you got o’ board? said I. Said he, Astrologers, + fortune-tellers, alchemists, rhymers, poets, painters, projectors, + mathematicians, watchmakers, sing-songs, musicianers, and the devil and + all of others that are subject to Queen Whims (Motteux gives the following + footnote:—‘La Quinte, This means a fantastic Humour, Maggots, + or a foolish Giddiness of Brains; and also, a fifth, or the Proportion of + Five in music, &c.’). They have very fair legible patents to + show for’t, as anybody may see. Panurge had no sooner heard this but + he was upon the high-rope, and began to rail at them like mad. What o’ + devil d’ye mean, cried he, to sit idly here like a pack of loitering + sneaksbies, and see us stranded, while you may help us, and tow us off + into the current? A plague o’ your whims! you can make all things + whatsoever, they say, so much as good weather and little children; yet won’t + make haste to fasten some hawsers and cables, and get us off. I was just + coming to set you afloat, quoth Harry Cotiral; by Trismegistus, I’ll + clear you in a trice. With this he caused 7,532,810 huge drums to be + unheaded on one side, and set that open side so that it faced the end of + the streamers and pendants; and having fastened them to good tacklings and + our ship’s head to the stern of theirs, with cables fastened to the + bits abaft the manger in the ship’s loof, they towed us off ground + at one pull so easily and pleasantly that you’d have wondered at it + had you been there. For the dub-a-dub rattling of the drums, with the soft + noise of the gravel which murmuring disputed us our way, and the merry + cheers and huzzas of the sailors, made an harmony almost as good as that + of the heavenly bodies when they roll and are whirled round their spheres, + which rattling of the celestial wheels Plato said he heard some nights in + his sleep. + </p> + <p> + We scorned to be behindhand with ‘em in civility, and gratefully + gave ‘em store of our sausages and chitterlings, with which we + filled their drums; and we were just a-hoisting two-and-sixty hogsheads of + wine out of the hold, when two huge whirlpools with great fury made + towards their ship, spouting more water than is in the river Vienne + (Vigenne) from Chinon to Saumur; to make short, all their drums, all their + sails, their concerns, and themselves were soused, and their very hose + were watered by the collar. + </p> + <p> + Panurge was so overjoyed, seeing this, and laughed so heartily, that he + was forced to hold his sides, and it set him into a fit of the colic for + two hours and more. I had a mind, quoth he, to make the dogs drink, and + those honest whirlpools, egad, have saved me that labour and that cost. + There’s sauce for them; ariston men udor. Water is good, saith a + poet; let 'em Pindarize upon’t. They never cared for fresh water but + to wash their hands or their glasses. This good salt water will stand + ‘em in good stead for want of sal ammoniac and nitre in Geber’s + kitchen. + </p> + <p> + We could not hold any further discourse with ‘em; for the former + whirlwind hindered our ship from feeling the helm. The pilot advised us + henceforwards to let her run adrift and follow the stream, not busying + ourselves with anything, but making much of our carcasses. For our only + way to arrive safe at the queendom of Whims was to trust to the whirlwind + and be led by the current. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0019" id="link52HCH0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XIX.—How we arrived at the queendom of Whims or Entelechy. + </h2> + <p> + We did as he directed us for about twelve hours, and on the third day the + sky seemed to us somewhat clearer, and we happily arrived at the port of + Mateotechny, not far distant from Queen Whims, alias the Quintessence. + </p> + <p> + We met full butt on the quay a great number of guards and other military + men that garrisoned the arsenal, and we were somewhat frighted at first + because they made us all lay down our arms, and in a haughty manner asked + us whence we came. + </p> + <p> + Cousin, quoth Panurge to him that asked the question, we are of Touraine, + and come from France, being ambitious of paying our respects to the Lady + Quintessence and visit this famous realm of Entelechy. + </p> + <p> + What do you say? cried they; do you call it Entelechy or Endelechy? Truly, + truly, sweet cousins, quoth Panurge, we are a silly sort of grout-headed + lobcocks, an’t please you; be so kind as to forgive us if we chance + to knock words out of joint. As for anything else, we are downright honest + fellows and true hearts. + </p> + <p> + We have not asked you this question without a cause, said they; for a + great number of others who have passed this way from your country of + Touraine seemed as mere jolt-headed doddipolls as ever were scored o’er + the coxcomb, yet spoke as correct as other folks. But there has been here + from other countries a pack of I know not what overweening self-conceited + prigs, as moody as so many mules and as stout as any Scotch lairds, and + nothing would serve these, forsooth, but they must wilfully wrangle and + stand out against us at their coming; and much they got by it after all. + Troth, we e’en fitted them and clawed ‘em off with a + vengeance, for all they looked so big and so grum. + </p> + <p> + Pray tell me, does your time lie so heavy upon you in your world that you + do not know how to bestow it better than in thus impudently talking, + disputing, and writing of our sovereign lady? There was much need that + your Tully, the consul, should go and leave the care of his commonwealth + to busy himself idly about her; and after him your Diogenes Laertius, the + biographer, and your Theodorus Gaza, the philosopher, and your + Argiropilus, the emperor, and your Bessario, the cardinal, and your + Politian, the pedant, and your Budaeus, the judge, and your Lascaris, the + ambassador, and the devil and all of those you call lovers of wisdom; + whose number, it seems, was not thought great enough already, but lately + your Scaliger, Bigot, Chambrier, Francis Fleury, and I cannot tell how + many such other junior sneaking fly-blows must take upon ‘em to + increase it. + </p> + <p> + A squinsy gripe the cod’s-headed changelings at the swallow and eke + at the cover-weasel; we shall make ‘em—But the deuce take + ‘em! (They flatter the devil here, and smoothify his name, quoth + Panurge, between his teeth.) You don’t come here, continued the + captain, to uphold ‘em in their folly; you have no commission from + ‘em to this effect; well then, we will talk no more on’t. + </p> + <p> + Aristotle, that first of men and peerless pattern of all philosophy, was + our sovereign lady’s godfather, and wisely and properly gave her the + name of Entelechy. Her true name then is Entelechy, and may he be in tail + beshit, and entail a shit-a-bed faculty and nothing else on his family, + who dares call her by any other name; for whoever he is, he does her + wrong, and is a very impudent person. You are heartily welcome, gentlemen. + With this they colled and clipped us about the neck, which was no small + comfort to us, I’ll assure you. + </p> + <p> + Panurge then whispered me, Fellow-traveller, quoth he, hast thou not been + somewhat afraid this bout? A little, said I. To tell you the truth of it, + quoth he, never were the Ephraimites in a greater fear and quandary when + the Gileadites killed and drowned them for saying sibboleth instead of + shibboleth; and among friends, let me tell you that perhaps there is not a + man in the whole country of Beauce but might easily have stopped my + bunghole with a cartload of hay. + </p> + <p> + The captain afterwards took us to the queen’s palace, leading us + silently with great formality. Pantagruel would have said something to + him, but the other, not being able to come up to his height, wished for a + ladder or a very long pair of stilts; then said, Patience, if it were our + sovereign lady’s will, we would be as tall as you; well, we shall + when she pleases. + </p> + <p> + In the first galleries we saw great numbers of sick persons, differently + placed according to their maladies. The leprous were apart; those that + were poisoned on one side; those that had got the plague on another; those + that had the pox in the first rank, and the rest accordingly. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0020" id="link52HCH0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XX.—How the Quintessence cured the sick with a song. + </h2> + <p> + The captain showed us the queen, attended with her ladies and gentlemen, + in the second gallery. She looked young, though she was at least eighteen + hundred years old, and was handsome, slender, and as fine as a queen, that + is, as hands could make her. He then said to us: It is not yet a fit time + to speak to the queen; be you but mindful of her doings in the meanwhile. + </p> + <p> + You have kings in your world that fantastically pretend to cure some + certain diseases, as, for example, scrofula or wens, swelled throats, + nicknamed the king’s evil, and quartan agues, only with a touch; now + our queen cures all manner of diseases without so much as touching the + sick, but barely with a song, according to the nature of the distemper. He + then showed us a set of organs, and said that when it was touched by her + those miraculous cures were performed. The organ was indeed the strangest + that ever eyes beheld; for the pipes were of cassia fistula in the cod; + the top and cornice of guiacum; the bellows of rhubarb; the pedas of + turbith, and the clavier or keys of scammony. + </p> + <p> + While we were examining this wonderful new make of an organ, the leprous + were brought in by her abstractors, spodizators, masticators, pregustics, + tabachins, chachanins, neemanins, rabrebans, nercins, rozuins, nebidins, + tearins, segamions, perarons, chasinins, sarins, soteins, aboth, enilins, + archasdarpenins, mebins, chabourins, and other officers, for whom I want + names; so she played ‘em I don’t know what sort of a tune or + song, and they were all immediately cured. + </p> + <p> + Then those who were poisoned were had in, and she had no sooner given them + a song but they began to find a use for their legs, and up they got. Then + came on the deaf, the blind, and the dumb, and they too were restored to + their lost faculties and senses with the same remedy; which did so + strangely amaze us (and not without reason, I think) that down we fell on + our faces, remaining prostrate, like men ravished in ecstasy, and were not + able to utter one word through the excess of our admiration, till she + came, and having touched Pantagruel with a fine fragrant nosegay of white + roses which she held in her hand, thus made us recover our senses and get + up. Then she made us the following speech in byssin words, such as + Parisatis desired should be spoken to her son Cyrus, or at least of + crimson alamode: + </p> + <p> + The probity that scintillizes in the superfices of your persons informs my + ratiocinating faculty, in a most stupendous manner, of the radiant virtues + latent within the precious caskets and ventricles of your minds. For, + contemplating the mellifluous suavity of your thrice discreet reverences, + it is impossible not to be persuaded with facility that neither your + affections nor your intellects are vitiated with any defect or privation + of liberal and exalted sciences. Far from it, all must judge that in you + are lodged a cornucopia and encyclopaedia, an unmeasurable profundity of + knowledge in the most peregrine and sublime disciplines, so frequently the + admiration, and so rarely the concomitants of the imperite vulgar. This + gently compels me, who in preceding times indefatigably kept my private + affections absolutely subjugated, to condescend to make my application to + you in the trivial phrase of the plebeian world, and assure you that you + are well, more than most heartily welcome. + </p> + <p> + I have no hand at making of speeches, quoth Panurge to me privately; + prithee, man, make answer to her for us, if thou canst. This would not + work with me, however; neither did Pantagruel return a word. So that Queen + Whims, or Queen Quintessence (which you please), perceiving that we stood + as mute as fishes, said: Your taciturnity speaks you not only disciples of + Pythagoras, from whom the venerable antiquity of my progenitors in + successive propagation was emaned and derives its original, but also + discovers, that through the revolution of many retrograde moons, you have + in Egypt pressed the extremities of your fingers with the hard tenants of + your mouths, and scalptized your heads with frequent applications of your + unguicules. In the school of Pythagoras, taciturnity was the symbol of + abstracted and superlative knowledge, and the silence of the Egyptians was + agnited as an expressive manner of divine adoration; this caused the + pontiffs of Hierapolis to sacrifice to the great deity in silence, + impercussively, without any vociferous or obstreperous sound. My design is + not to enter into a privation of gratitude towards you, but by a vivacious + formality, though matter were to abstract itself from me, excentricate to + you my cogitations. + </p> + <p> + Having spoken this, she only said to her officers, Tabachins, a panacea; + and straight they desired us not to take it amiss if the queen did not + invite us to dine with her; for she never ate anything at dinner but some + categories, jecabots, emnins, dimions, abstractions, harborins, chelemins, + second intentions, carradoths, antitheses, metempsychoses, transcendent + prolepsies, and such other light food. + </p> + <p> + Then they took us into a little closet lined through with alarums, where + we were treated God knows how. It is said that Jupiter writes whatever is + transacted in the world on the dipthera or skin of the Amalthaean goat + that suckled him in Crete, which pelt served him instead of a shield + against the Titans, whence he was nicknamed Aegiochos. Now, as I hate to + drink water, brother topers, I protest it would be impossible to make + eighteen goatskins hold the description of all the good meat they brought + before us, though it were written in characters as small as those in which + were penned Homer’s Iliads, which Tully tells us he saw enclosed in + a nutshell. + </p> + <p> + For my part, had I one hundred mouths, as many tongues, a voice of iron, a + heart of oak, and lungs of leather, together with the mellifluous + abundance of Plato, yet I never could give you a full account of a third + part of a second of the whole. + </p> + <p> + Pantagruel was telling me that he believed the queen had given the + symbolic word used among her subjects to denote sovereign good cheer, when + she said to her tabachins, A panacea; just as Lucullus used to say, In + Apollo, when he designed to give his friends a singular treat; though + sometimes they took him at unawares, as, among the rest, Cicero and + Hortensius sometimes used to do. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0021" id="link52HCH0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XXI.—How the Queen passed her time after dinner. + </h2> + <p> + When we had dined, a chachanin led us into the queen’s hall, and + there we saw how, after dinner, with the ladies and the princes of her + court, she used to sift, searce, bolt, range, and pass away time with a + fine large white and blue silk sieve. We also perceived how they revived + ancient sports, diverting themselves together at— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +1. Cordax. 6. Phrygia. 11. Monogas. +2. Emmelia. 7. Thracia. 12. Terminalia. +3. Sicinnia. 8. Calabrisme. 13. Floralia. +4. Jambics. 9. Molossia. 14. Pyrrhice. +5. Persica. 10. Cernophorum. 15. (Nicatism.) +And a thousand other dances. +</pre> + <p> + (Motteux has the following footnote:—‘1. A sort of + country-dance. 2. A still tragic dance. 3. Dancing and singing used at + funerals. 4. Cutting sarcasms and lampoons. 5. The Persian dance. 6. + Tunes, whose measure inspired men with a kind of divine fury. 7. The + Thracian movement. 8. Smutty verses. 9. A measure to which the Molossi of + Epirus danced a certain morrice. 10. A dance with bowls or pots in their + hands. 11. A song where one sings alone. 12. Sports at the holidays of the + god of bounds. 13. Dancing naked at Flora’s holidays. 14. The Trojan + dance in armour.’) + </p> + <p> + Afterwards she gave orders that they should show us the apartments and + curiosities in her palace. Accordingly we saw there such new, strange, and + wonderful things, that I am still ravished in admiration every time I + think of’t. However, nothing surprised us more than what was done by + the gentlemen of her household, abstractors, parazons, nebidins, + spodizators, and others, who freely and without the least dissembling told + us that the queen their mistress did all impossible things, and cured men + of incurable diseases; and they, her officers, used to do the rest. + </p> + <p> + I saw there a young parazon cure many of the new consumption, I mean the + pox, though they were never so peppered. Had it been the rankest Roan ague + (Anglice, the Covent-garden gout), ‘twas all one to him; touching + only their dentiform vertebrae thrice with a piece of a wooden shoe, he + made them as wholesome as so many sucking-pigs. + </p> + <p> + Another did thoroughly cure folks of dropsies, tympanies, ascites, and + hyposarcides, striking them on the belly nine times with a Tenedian + hatchet, without any solution of the continuum. + </p> + <p> + Another cured all manner of fevers and agues on the spot, only with + hanging a fox-tail on the left side of the patient’s girdle. + </p> + <p> + One removed the toothache only with washing thrice the root of the aching + tooth with elder-vinegar, and letting it dry half-an-hour in the sun. + </p> + <p> + Another the gout, whether hot or cold, natural or accidental, by barely + making the gouty person shut his mouth and open his eyes. + </p> + <p> + I saw another ease nine gentlemen of St. Francis’s distemper (‘A + consumption in the pocket, or want of money; those of St. Francis’s + order must carry none about ‘em.’—Motteux.) in a very + short space of time, having clapped a rope about their necks, at the end + of which hung a box with ten thousand gold crowns in’t. + </p> + <p> + One with a wonderful engine threw the houses out at the windows, by which + means they were purged of all pestilential air. + </p> + <p> + Another cured all the three kinds of hectics, the tabid, atrophes, and + emaciated, without bathing, Tabian milk, dropax, alias depilatory, or + other such medicaments, only turning the consumptive for three months into + monks; and he assured me that if they did not grow fat and plump in a + monastic way of living, they never would be fattened in this world, either + by nature or by art. + </p> + <p> + I saw another surrounded with a crowd of two sorts of women. Some were + young, quaint, clever, neat, pretty, juicy, tight, brisk, buxom, proper, + kind-hearted, and as right as my leg, to any man’s thinking. The + rest were old, weather-beaten, over-ridden, toothless, blear-eyed, tough, + wrinkled, shrivelled, tawny, mouldy, phthisicky, decrepit hags, beldams, + and walking carcasses. We were told that his office was to cast anew those + she-pieces of antiquity, and make them such as the pretty creatures whom + we saw, who had been made young again that day, recovering at once the + beauty, shape, size, and disposition which they enjoyed at sixteen; except + their heels, that were now much shorter than in their former youth. + </p> + <p> + This made them yet more apt to fall backwards whenever any man happened to + touch ‘em, than they had been before. As for their counterparts, the + old mother-scratch-tobies, they most devoutly waited for the blessed hour + when the batch that was in the oven was to be drawn, that they might have + their turns, and in a mighty haste they were pulling and hauling the man + like mad, telling him that ‘tis the most grievous and intolerable + thing in nature for the tail to be on fire and the head to scare away + those who should quench it. + </p> + <p> + The officer had his hands full, never wanting patients; neither did his + place bring him in little, you may swear. Pantagruel asked him whether he + could also make old men young again. He said he could not. But the way to + make them new men was to get ‘em to cohabit with a new-cast female; + for this they caught that fifth kind of crinckams, which some call + pellade, in Greek, ophiasis, that makes them cast off their old hair and + skin, just as the serpents do, and thus their youth is renewed like the + Arabian phoenix’s. This is the true fountain of youth, for there the + old and decrepit become young, active, and lusty. + </p> + <p> + Just so, as Euripides tells us, Iolaus was transmogrified; and thus Phaon, + for whom kind-hearted Sappho run wild, grew young again, for Venus’s + use; so Tithon by Aurora’s means; so Aeson by Medea, and Jason also, + who, if you’ll believe Pherecides and Simonides, was new-vamped and + dyed by that witch; and so were the nurses of jolly Bacchus, and their + husbands, as Aeschylus relates. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0022" id="link52HCH0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XXII.—How Queen Whims’ officers were employed; and + how the said lady retained us among her abstractors. + </h2> + <p> + I then saw a great number of the queen’s officers, who made + blackamoors white as fast as hops, just rubbing their bellies with the + bottom of a pannier. + </p> + <p> + Others, with three couples of foxes in one yoke, ploughed a sandy shore, + and did not lose their seed. + </p> + <p> + Others washed burnt tiles, and made them lose their colour. + </p> + <p> + Others extracted water out of pumice-stones, braying them a good while in + a mortar, and changed their substance. + </p> + <p> + Others sheared asses, and thus got long fleece wool. + </p> + <p> + Others gathered barberries and figs off of thistles. + </p> + <p> + Others stroked he-goats by the dugs, and saved their milk in a sieve; and + much they got by it. + </p> + <p> + (Others washed asses’ heads without losing their soap.) + </p> + <p> + Others taught cows to dance, and did not lose their fiddling. + </p> + <p> + Others pitched nets to catch the wind, and took cock-lobsters in them. + </p> + <p> + I saw a spodizator, who very artificially got farts out of a dead ass, and + sold ‘em for fivepence an ell. + </p> + <p> + Another did putrefy beetles. O the dainty food! + </p> + <p> + Poor Panurge fairly cast up his accounts, and gave up his halfpenny (i.e. + vomited), seeing an archasdarpenin who laid a huge plenty of chamber lye + to putrefy in horsedung, mishmashed with abundance of Christian + sir-reverence. Pugh, fie upon him, nasty dog! However, he told us that + with this sacred distillation he watered kings and princes, and made their + sweet lives a fathom or two the longer. + </p> + <p> + Others built churches to jump over the steeples. + </p> + <p> + Others set carts before the horses, and began to flay eels at the tail; + neither did the eels cry before they were hurt, like those of Melun. + </p> + <p> + Others out of nothing made great things, and made great things return to + nothing. + </p> + <p> + Others cut fire into steaks with a knife, and drew water with a fish-net. + </p> + <p> + Others made chalk of cheese, and honey of a dog’s t—d. + </p> + <p> + We saw a knot of others, about a baker’s dozen in number, tippling + under an arbour. They toped out of jolly bottomless cups four sorts of + cool, sparkling, pure, delicious, vine-tree sirup, which went down like + mother’s milk; and healths and bumpers flew about like lightning. We + were told that these true philosophers were fairly multiplying the stars + by drinking till the seven were fourteen, as brawny Hercules did with + Atlas. + </p> + <p> + Others made a virtue of necessity, and the best of a bad market, which + seemed to me a very good piece of work. + </p> + <p> + Others made alchemy (i.e. sir-reverence) with their teeth, and clapping + their hind retort to the recipient, made scurvy faces, and then squeezed. + </p> + <p> + Others, in a large grass plot, exactly measured how far the fleas could go + at a hop, a step, and jump; and told us that this was exceedingly useful + for the ruling of kingdoms, the conduct of armies, and the administration + of commonwealths; and that Socrates, who first got philosophy out of + heaven, and from idling and trifling made it profitable and of moment, + used to spend half his philosophizing time in measuring the leaps of + fleas, as Aristophanes the quintessential affirms. + </p> + <p> + I saw two gibroins by themselves keeping watch on the top of a tower, and + we were told they guarded the moon from the wolves. + </p> + <p> + In a blind corner I met four more very hot at it, and ready to go to + loggerheads. I asked what was the cause of the stir and ado, the mighty + coil and pother they made. And I heard that for four livelong days those + overwise roisters had been at it ding-dong, disputing on three high, more + than metaphysical propositions, promising themselves mountains of gold by + solving them. The first was concerning a he-ass’s shadow; the + second, of the smoke of a lantern; and the third of goat’s hair, + whether it were wool or no. We heard that they did not think it a bit + strange that two contradictions in mode, form, figure, and time should be + true; though I will warrant the sophists of Paris had rather be + unchristened than own so much. + </p> + <p> + While we were admiring all those men’s wonderful doings, the evening + star already twinkling, the queen (God bless her!) appeared, attended with + her court, and again amazed and dazzled us. She perceived it, and said to + us: + </p> + <p> + What occasions the aberrations of human cogitations through the perplexing + labyrinths and abysses of admiration, is not the source of the effects, + which sagacious mortals visibly experience to be the consequential result + of natural causes. ‘Tis the novelty of the experiment which makes + impressions on their conceptive, cogitative faculties; that do not previse + the facility of the operation adequately, with a subact and sedate + intellection, associated with diligent and congruous study. Consequently + let all manner of perturbation abdicate the ventricles of your brains, if + anyone has invaded them while they were contemplating what is transacted + by my domestic ministers. Be spectators and auditors of every particular + phenomenon and every individual proposition within the extent of my + mansion; satiate yourselves with all that can fall here under the + consideration of your visual or auscultating powers, and thus emancipate + yourselves from the servitude of crassous ignorance. And that you may be + induced to apprehend how sincerely I desire this in consideration of the + studious cupidity that so demonstratively emicates at your external + organs, from this present particle of time I retain you as my abstractors. + Geber, my principal Tabachin, shall register and initiate you at your + departing. + </p> + <p> + We humbly thanked her queenship without saying a word, accepting of the + noble office she conferred on us. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0023" id="link52HCH0023"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XXIII.—How the Queen was served at dinner, and of her way + of eating. + </h2> + <p> + Queen Whims after this said to her gentlemen: The orifice of the + ventricle, that ordinary embassador for the alimentation of all members, + whether superior or inferior, importunes us to restore, by the apposition + of idoneous sustenance, what was dissipated by the internal calidity’s + action on the radical humidity. Therefore spodizators, gesinins, memains, + and parazons, be not culpable of dilatory protractions in the apposition + of every re-roborating species, but rather let them pullulate and + superabound on the tables. As for you, nobilissim praegustators, and my + gentilissim masticators, your frequently experimented industry, + internected with perdiligent sedulity and sedulous perdiligence, + continually adjuvates you to perficiate all things in so expeditious a + manner that there is no necessity of exciting in you a cupidity to + consummate them. Therefore I can only suggest to you still to operate as + you are assuefacted indefatigably to operate. + </p> + <p> + Having made this fine speech, she retired for a while with part of her + women, and we were told that ‘twas to bathe, as the ancients did + more commonly than we use nowadays to wash our hands before we eat. The + tables were soon placed, the cloth spread, and then the queen sat down. + She ate nothing but celestial ambrosia, and drank nothing but divine + nectar. As for the lords and ladies that were there, they, as well as we, + fared on as rare, costly, and dainty dishes as ever Apicius wot or dreamed + of in his life. + </p> + <p> + When we were as round as hoops, and as full as eggs, with stuffing the + gut, an olla podrida (‘Some call it an Olio. Rabelais Pot-pourry.’—Motteux.) + was set before us to force hunger to come to terms with us, in case it had + not granted us a truce; and such a huge vast thing it was that the plate + which Pythius Althius gave King Darius would hardly have covered it. The + olla consisted of several sorts of pottages, salads, fricassees, + saugrenees, cabirotadoes, roast and boiled meat, carbonadoes, swingeing + pieces of powdered beef, good old hams, dainty somates, cakes, tarts, a + world of curds after the Moorish way, fresh cheese, jellies, and fruit of + all sorts. All this seemed to me good and dainty; however, the sight of it + made me sigh; for alas! I could not taste a bit on’t, so full I had + filled my puddings before, and a bellyful is a bellyful you know. Yet I + must tell you what I saw that seemed to me odd enough o’ conscience; + ‘twas some pasties in paste; and what should those pasties in paste + be, d’ye think, but pasties in pots? At the bottom I perceived store + of dice, cards, tarots (‘Great cards on which many different things + are figured.’ —Motteux.), luettes (‘Pieces of ivory to + play withal.’—Motteux.), chessmen, and chequers, besides full + bowls of gold crowns, for those who had a mind to have a game or two and + try their chance. Under this I saw a jolly company of mules in stately + trappings, with velvet footcloths, and a troop of ambling nags, some for + men and some for women; besides I don’t know how many litters all + lined with velvet, and some coaches of Ferrara make; all this for those + who had a mind to take the air. + </p> + <p> + This did not seem strange to me; but if anything did ‘twas certainly + the queen’s way of eating, and truly ‘twas very new, and very + odd; for she chewed nothing, the good lady; not but that she had good + sound teeth, and her meat required to be masticated, but such was her + highness’s custom. When her praegustators had tasted the meat, her + masticators took it and chewed it most nobly; for their dainty chops and + gullets were lined through with crimson satin, with little welts and gold + purls, and their teeth were of delicate white ivory. Thus, when they had + chewed the meat ready for her highness’s maw, they poured it down + her throat through a funnel of fine gold, and so on to her craw. For that + reason they told us she never visited a close-stool but by proxy. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0024" id="link52HCH0024"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XXIV.—How there was a ball in the manner of a tournament, + at which Queen Whims was present. + </h2> + <p> + After supper there was a ball in the form of a tilt or a tournament, not + only worth seeing, but also never to be forgotten. First, the floor of the + hall was covered with a large piece of velveted white and yellow chequered + tapestry, each chequer exactly square, and three full spans in breadth. + </p> + <p> + Then thirty-two young persons came into the hall; sixteen of them arrayed + in cloth of gold, and of these eight were young nymphs such as the + ancients described Diana’s attendants; the other eight were a king, + a queen, two wardens of the castle, two knights, and two archers. Those of + the other band were clad in cloth of silver. + </p> + <p> + They posted themselves on the tapestry in the following manner: the kings + on the last line on the fourth square; so that the golden king was on a + white square, and the silvered king on a yellow square, and each queen by + her king; the golden queen on a yellow square, and the silvered queen on a + white one: and on each side stood the archers to guide their kings and + queens; by the archers the knights, and the wardens by them. In the next + row before ‘em stood the eight nymphs; and between the two bands of + nymphs four rows of squares stood empty. + </p> + <p> + Each band had its musicians, eight on each side, dressed in its livery; + the one with orange-coloured damask, the other with white; and all played + on different instruments most melodiously and harmoniously, still varying + in time and measure as the figure of the dance required. This seemed to me + an admirable thing, considering the numerous diversity of steps, + back-steps, bounds, rebounds, jerks, paces, leaps, skips, turns, coupes, + hops, leadings, risings, meetings, flights, ambuscadoes, moves, and + removes. + </p> + <p> + I was also at a loss when I strove to comprehend how the dancers could so + suddenly know what every different note meant; for they no sooner heard + this or that sound but they placed themselves in the place which was + denoted by the music, though their motions were all different. For the + nymphs that stood in the first file, as if they designed to begin the + fight, marched straight forwards to their enemies from square to square, + unless it were the first step, at which they were free to move over two + steps at once. They alone never fall back (which is not very natural to + other nymphs), and if any of them is so lucky as to advance to the + opposite king’s row, she is immediately crowned queen of her king, + and after that moves with the same state and in the same manner as the + queen; but till that happens they never strike their enemies but forwards, + and obliquely in a diagonal line. However, they make it not their chief + business to take their foes; for, if they did, they would leave their + queen exposed to the adverse parties, who then might take her. + </p> + <p> + The kings move and take their enemies on all sides square-ways, and only + step from a white square into a yellow one, and vice versa, except at + their first step the rank should want other officers than the wardens; for + then they can set ‘em in their place, and retire by him. + </p> + <p> + The queens take a greater liberty than any of the rest; for they move + backwards and forwards all manner of ways, in a straight line as far as + they please, provided the place be not filled with one of her own party, + and diagonally also, keeping to the colour on which she stands. + </p> + <p> + The archers move backwards or forwards, far and near, never changing the + colour on which they stand. The knights move and take in a lineal manner, + stepping over one square, though a friend or foe stand upon it, posting + themselves on the second square to the right or left, from one colour to + another, which is very unwelcome to the adverse party, and ought to be + carefully observed, for they take at unawares. + </p> + <p> + The wardens move and take to the right or left, before or behind them, + like the kings, and can advance as far as they find places empty; which + liberty the kings take not. + </p> + <p> + The law which both sides observe is, at the end of the fight, to besiege + and enclose the king of either party, so that he may not be able to move; + and being reduced to that extremity, the battle is over, and he loses the + day. + </p> + <p> + Now, to avoid this, there is none of either sex of each party but is + willing to sacrifice his or her life, and they begin to take one another + on all sides in time, as soon as the music strikes up. When anyone takes a + prisoner, he makes his honours, and striking him gently in the hand, puts + him out of the field and combat, and encamps where he stood. + </p> + <p> + If one of the kings chance to stand where he might be taken, it is not + lawful for any of his adversaries that had discovered him to lay hold on + him; far from it, they are strictly enjoined humbly to pay him their + respects, and give him notice, saying, God preserve you, sir! that his + officers may relieve and cover him, or he may remove, if unhappily he + could not be relieved. However, he is not to be taken, but greeted with a + Good-morrow, the others bending the knee; and thus the tournament uses to + end. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0025" id="link52HCH0025"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XXV.—How the thirty-two persons at the ball fought. + </h2> + <p> + The two companies having taken their stations, the music struck up, and + with a martial sound, which had something of horrid in it, like a point of + war, roused and alarmed both parties, who now began to shiver, and then + soon were warmed with warlike rage; and having got in readiness to fight + desperately, impatient of delay stood waiting for the charge. + </p> + <p> + Then the music of the silvered band ceased playing, and the instruments of + the golden side alone were heard, which denoted that the golden party + attacked. Accordingly, a new movement was played for the onset, and we saw + the nymph who stood before the queen turn to the left towards her king, as + it were to ask leave to fight; and thus saluting her company at the same + time, she moved two squares forwards, and saluted the adverse party. + </p> + <p> + Now the music of the golden brigade ceased playing, and their antagonists + began again. I ought to have told you that the nymph who began by saluting + her company, had by that formality also given them to understand that they + were to fall on. She was saluted by them in the same manner, with a full + turn to the left, except the queen, who went aside towards her king to the + right; and the same manner of salutation was observed on both sides during + the whole ball. + </p> + <p> + The silvered nymph that stood before her queen likewise moved as soon as + the music of her party sounded a charge; her salutations, and those of her + side, were to the right, and her queen’s to the left. She moved in + the second square forwards, and saluted her antagonists, facing the first + golden nymph; so that there was not any distance between them, and you + would have thought they two had been going to fight; but they only strike + sideways. + </p> + <p> + Their comrades, whether silvered or golden, followed ‘em in an + intercalary figure, and seemed to skirmish a while, till the golden nymph + who had first entered the lists, striking a silvered nymph in the hand on + the right, put her out of the field, and set herself in her place. But + soon the music playing a new measure, she was struck by a silvered archer, + who after that was obliged himself to retire. A silvered knight then + sallied out, and the golden queen posted herself before her king. + </p> + <p> + Then the silvered king, dreading the golden queen’s fury, removed to + the right, to the place where his warden stood, which seemed to him strong + and well guarded. + </p> + <p> + The two knights on the left, whether golden or silvered, marched up, and + on either side took up many nymphs who could not retreat; principally the + golden knight, who made this his whole business; but the silvered knight + had greater designs, dissembling all along, and even sometimes not taking + a nymph when he could have done it, still moving on till he was come up to + the main body of the enemies in such a manner that he saluted their king + with a God save you, sir! + </p> + <p> + The whole golden brigade quaked for fear and anger, those words giving + notice of their king’s danger; not but that they could soon relieve + him, but because their king being thus saluted they were to lose their + warden on the right wing without any hopes of a recovery. Then the golden + king retired to the left, and the silvered knight took the golden warden, + which was a mighty loss to that party. However, they resolved to be + revenged, and surrounded the knight that he might not escape. He tried to + get off, behaving himself with a great deal of gallantry, and his friends + did what they could to save him; but at last he fell into the golden queen’s + hands, and was carried off. + </p> + <p> + Her forces, not yet satisfied, having lost one of her best men, with more + fury than conduct moved about, and did much mischief among their enemies. + The silvered party warily dissembled, watching their opportunity to be + even with them, and presented one of their nymphs to the golden queen, + having laid an ambuscado; so that the nymph being taken, a golden archer + had like to have seized the silvered queen. Then the golden knight + undertakes to take the silvered king and queen, and says, Good-morrow! + Then the silvered archer salutes them, and was taken by a golden nymph, + and she herself by a silvered one. + </p> + <p> + The fight was obstinate and sharp. The wardens left their posts, and + advanced to relieve their friends. The battle was doubtful, and victory + hovered over both armies. Now the silvered host charge and break through + their enemy’s ranks as far as the golden king’s tent, and now + they are beaten back. The golden queen distinguishes herself from the rest + by her mighty achievements still more than by her garb and dignity; for at + once she takes an archer, and, going sideways, seizes a silvered warden. + Which thing the silvered queen perceiving, she came forwards, and, rushing + on with equal bravery, takes the last golden warden and some nymphs. The + two queens fought a long while hand to hand; now striving to take each + other by surprise, then to save themselves, and sometimes to guard their + kings. Finally, the golden queen took the silvered queen; but presently + after she herself was taken by the silvered archer. + </p> + <p> + Then the silvered king had only three nymphs, an archer, and a warden + left, and the golden only three nymphs and the right knight, which made + them fight more slowly and warily than before. The two kings seemed to + mourn for the loss of their loving queens, and only studied and + endeavoured to get new ones out of all their nymphs to be raised to that + dignity, and thus be married to them. This made them excite those brave + nymphs to strive to reach the farthest rank, where stood the king of the + contrary party, promising them certainly to have them crowned if they + could do this. The golden nymphs were beforehand with the others, and out + of their number was created a queen, who was dressed in royal robes, and + had a crown set on her head. You need not doubt the silvered nymphs made + also what haste they could to be queens. One of them was within a step of + the coronation place, but there the golden knight lay ready to intercept + her, so that she could go no further. + </p> + <p> + The new golden queen, resolved to show herself valiant and worthy of her + advancement to the crown, achieved great feats of arms. But in the + meantime the silvered knight takes the golden warden who guarded the camp; + and thus there was a new silvered queen, who, like the other, strove to + excel in heroic deeds at the beginning of her reign. Thus the fight grew + hotter than before. A thousand stratagems, charges, rallyings, retreats, + and attacks were tried on both sides; till at last the silvered queen, + having by stealth advanced as far as the golden king’s tent, cried, + God save you, sir! Now none but his new queen could relieve him; so she + bravely came and exposed herself to the utmost extremity to deliver him + out of it. Then the silvered warden with his queen reduced the golden king + to such a stress that, to save himself, he was forced to lose his queen; + but the golden king took him at last. However, the rest of the golden + party were soon taken; and that king being left alone, the silvered party + made him a low bow, crying, Good morrow, sir! which denoted that the + silvered king had got the day. + </p> + <p> + This being heard, the music of both parties loudly proclaimed the victory. + And thus the first battle ended to the unspeakable joy of all the + spectators. + </p> + <p> + After this the two brigades took their former stations, and began to tilt + a second time, much as they had done before, only the music played + somewhat faster than at the first battle, and the motions were altogether + different. I saw the golden queen sally out one of the first, with an + archer and a knight, as it were angry at the former defeat, and she had + like to have fallen upon the silvered king in his tent among his officers; + but having been baulked in her attempt, she skirmished briskly, and + overthrew so many silvered nymphs and officers that it was a most amazing + sight. You would have sworn she had been another Penthesilea; for she + behaved herself with as much bravery as that Amazonian queen did at Troy. + </p> + <p> + But this havoc did not last long; for the silvered party, exasperated by + their loss, resolved to perish or stop her progress; and having posted an + archer in ambuscado on a distant angle, together with a knight-errant, her + highness fell into their hands and was carried out of the field. The rest + were soon routed after the taking of their queen, who, without doubt, from + that time resolved to be more wary and keep near her king, without + venturing so far amidst her enemies unless with more force to defend her. + Thus the silvered brigade once more got the victory. + </p> + <p> + This did not dishearten or deject the golden party; far from it. They soon + appeared again in the field to face their enemies; and being posted as + before, both the armies seemed more resolute and cheerful than ever. Now + the martial concert began, and the music was above a hemiole the quicker, + according to the warlike Phrygian mode, such as was invented by Marsyas. + </p> + <p> + Then our combatants began to wheel about, and charge with such a swiftness + that in an instant they made four moves, besides the usual salutations. So + that they were continually in action, flying, hovering, jumping, vaulting, + curvetting, with petauristical turns and motions, and often intermingled. + </p> + <p> + Seeing them then turn about on one foot after they had made their honours, + we compared them to your tops or gigs, such as boys use to whip about, + making them turn round so swiftly that they sleep, as they call it, and + motion cannot be perceived, but resembles rest, its contrary; so that if + you make a point or mark on some part of one of those gigs, ‘twill + be perceived not as a point, but a continual line, in a most divine + manner, as Cusanus has wisely observed. + </p> + <p> + While they were thus warmly engaged, we heard continually the claps and + episemapsies which those of the two bands reiterated at the taking of + their enemies; and this, joined to the variety of their motions and music, + would have forced smiles out of the most severe Cato, the never-laughing + Crassus, the Athenian man-hater, Timon; nay, even whining Heraclitus, + though he abhorred laughing, the action that is most peculiar to man. For + who could have forborne? seeing those young warriors, with their nymphs + and queens, so briskly and gracefully advance, retire, jump, leap, skip, + spring, fly, vault, caper, move to the right, to the left, every way still + in time, so swiftly, and yet so dexterously, that they never touched one + another but methodically. + </p> + <p> + As the number of the combatants lessened, the pleasure of the spectators + increased; for the stratagems and motions of the remaining forces were + more singular. I shall only add that this pleasing entertainment charmed + us to such a degree that our minds were ravished with admiration and + delight, and the martial harmony moved our souls so powerfully that we + easily believed what is said of Ismenias’s having excited Alexander + to rise from table and run to his arms, with such a warlike melody. At + last the golden king remained master of the field; and while we were + minding those dances, Queen Whims vanished, so that we saw her no more + from that day to this. + </p> + <p> + Then Geber’s michelots conducted us, and we were set down among her + abstractors, as her queenship had commanded. After that we returned to the + port of Mateotechny, and thence straight aboard our ships; for the wind + was fair, and had we not hoisted out of hand, we could hardly have got off + in three quarters of a moon in the wane. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0026" id="link52HCH0026"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XXVI.—How we came to the island of Odes, where the ways go + up and down. + </h2> + <p> + We sailed before the wind, between a pair of courses, and in two days made + the island of Odes, at which place we saw a very strange thing. The ways + there are animals; so true is Aristotle’s saying, that all + self-moving things are animals. Now the ways walk there. Ergo, they are + then animals. Some of them are strange unknown ways, like those of the + planets; others are highways, crossways, and byways. I perceived that the + travellers and inhabitants of that country asked, Whither does this way + go? Whither does that way go? Some answered, Between Midy and Fevrolles, + to the parish church, to the city, to the river, and so forth. Being thus + in their right way, they used to reach their journey’s end without + any further trouble, just like those who go by water from Lyons to Avignon + or Arles. + </p> + <p> + Now, as you know that nothing is perfect here below, we heard there was a + sort of people whom they called highwaymen, waybeaters, and makers of + inroads in roads; and that the poor ways were sadly afraid of them, and + shunned them as you do robbers. For these used to waylay them, as people + lay trains for wolves, and set gins for woodcocks. I saw one who was taken + up with a lord chief justice’s warrant for having unjustly, and in + spite of Pallas, taken the schoolway, which is the longest. Another + boasted that he had fairly taken his shortest, and that doing so he first + compassed his design. Thus, Carpalin, meeting once Epistemon looking upon + a wall with his fiddle-diddle, or live urinal, in his hand, to make a + little maid’s water, cried that he did not wonder now how the other + came to be still the first at Pantagruel’s levee, since he held his + shortest and least used. + </p> + <p> + I found Bourges highway among these. It went with the deliberation of an + abbot, but was made to scamper at the approach of some waggoners, who + threatened to have it trampled under their horses’ feet, and make + their waggons run over it, as Tullia’s chariot did over her father’s + body. + </p> + <p> + I also espied there the old way between Peronne and St. Quentin, which + seemed to me a very good, honest, plain way, as smooth as a carpet, and as + good as ever was trod upon by shoe of leather. + </p> + <p> + Among the rocks I knew again the good old way to La Ferrare, mounted on a + huge bear. This at a distance would have put me in mind of St. Jerome’s + picture, had but the bear been a lion; for the poor way was all mortified, + and wore a long hoary beard uncombed and entangled, which looked like the + picture of winter, or at least like a white-frosted bush. + </p> + <p> + On that way were store of beads or rosaries, coarsely made of wild + pine-tree; and it seemed kneeling, not standing, nor lying flat; but its + sides and middle were beaten with huge stones, insomuch that it proved to + us at once an object of fear and pity. + </p> + <p> + While we were examining it, a runner, bachelor of the place, took us + aside, and showing us a white smooth way, somewhat filled with straw, + said, Henceforth, gentlemen, do not reject the opinion of Thales the + Milesian, who said that water is the beginning of all things, nor that of + Homer, who tells us that all things derive their original from the ocean; + for this same way which you see here had its beginning from water, and is + to return whence she came before two months come to an end; now carts are + driven here where boats used to be rowed. + </p> + <p> + Truly, said Pantagruel, you tell us no news; we see five hundred such + changes, and more, every year, in our world. Then reflecting on the + different manner of going of those moving ways, he told us he believed + that Philolaus and Aristarchus had philosophized in this island, and that + Seleucus (Motteux reads—‘that some, indeed, were of opinion.’), + indeed, was of opinion the earth turns round about its poles, and not the + heavens, whatever we may think to the contrary; as, when we are on the + river Loire, we think the trees and the shore moves, though this is only + an effect of our boat’s motion. + </p> + <p> + As we went back to our ships, we saw three waylayers, who, having been + taken in ambuscado, were going to be broken on the wheel; and a huge + fornicator was burned with a lingering fire for beating a way and breaking + one of its sides; we were told it was the way of the banks of the Nile in + Egypt. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0027" id="link52HCH0027"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XXVII.—How we came to the island of Sandals; and of the + order of Semiquaver Friars. + </h2> + <p> + Thence we went to the island of Sandals, whose inhabitants live on nothing + but ling-broth. However, we were very kindly received and entertained by + Benius the Third, king of the island, who, after he had made us drink, + took us with him to show us a spick-and-span new monastery which he had + contrived for the Semiquaver Friars; so he called the religious men whom + he had there. For he said that on t’other side the water lived + friars who styled themselves her sweet ladyship’s most humble + servants. Item, the goodly Friar-minors, who are semibreves of bulls; the + smoked-herring tribe of Minim Friars; then the Crotchet Friars. So that + these diminutives could be no more than Semiquavers. By the statutes, + bulls, and patents of Queen Whims, they were all dressed like so many + house-burners, except that, as in Anjou your bricklayers use to quilt + their knees when they tile houses, so these holy friars had usually + quilted bellies, and thick quilted paunches were among them in much + repute. Their codpieces were cut slipper-fashion, and every monk among + them wore two—one sewed before and another behind —reporting + that some certain dreadful mysteries were duly represented by this + duplicity of codpieces. + </p> + <p> + They wore shoes as round as basins, in imitation of those who inhabit the + sandy sea. Their chins were close-shaved, and their feet iron-shod; and to + show they did not value fortune, Benius made them shave and poll the hind + part of their polls as bare as a bird’s arse, from the crown to the + shoulder-blades; but they had leave to let their hair grow before, from + the two triangular bones in the upper part of the skull. + </p> + <p> + Thus did they not value fortune a button, and cared no more for the goods + of this world than you or I do for hanging. And to show how much they + defied that blind jilt, all of them wore, not in their hands like her, but + at their waist, instead of beads, sharp razors, which they used to + new-grind twice a day and set thrice a night. + </p> + <p> + Each of them had a round ball on their feet, because Fortune is said to + have one under hers. + </p> + <p> + The flap of their cowls hanged forward, and not backwards, like those of + others. Thus none could see their noses, and they laughed without fear + both at fortune and the fortunate; neither more nor less than our ladies + laugh at barefaced trulls when they have those mufflers on which they call + masks, and which were formerly much more properly called charity, because + they cover a multitude of sins. + </p> + <p> + The hind part of their faces were always uncovered, as are our faces, + which made them either go with their belly or the arse foremost, which + they pleased. When their hind face went forwards, you would have sworn + this had been their natural gait, as well on account of their round shoes + as of the double codpiece, and their face behind, which was as bare as the + back of my hand, and coarsely daubed over with two eyes and a mouth, such + as you see on some Indian nuts. Now, if they offered to waddle along with + their bellies forwards, you would have thought they were then playing at + blindman’s buff. May I never be hanged if ‘twas not a comical + sight. + </p> + <p> + Their way of living was thus: about owl-light they charitably began to + boot and spur one another. This being done, the least thing they did was + to sleep and snore; and thus sleeping, they had barnacles on the handles + of their faces, or spectacles at most. + </p> + <p> + You may swear we did not a little wonder at this odd fancy; but they + satisfied us presently, telling us that the day of judgment is to take + mankind napping; therefore, to show they did not refuse to make their + personal appearance as fortune’s darlings use to do, they were + always thus booted and spurred, ready to mount whenever the trumpet should + sound. + </p> + <p> + At noon, as soon as the clock struck, they used to awake. You must know + that their clock-bell, church-bells, and refectory-bells were all made + according to the pontial device, that is, quilted with the finest down, + and their clappers of fox-tails. + </p> + <p> + Having then made shift to get up at noon, they pulled off their boots, and + those that wanted to speak with a maid, alias piss, pissed; those that + wanted to scumber, scumbered; and those that wanted to sneeze, sneezed. + But all, whether they would or no (poor gentlemen!), were obliged largely + and plentifully to yawn; and this was their first breakfast (O rigorous + statute!). Methought ‘twas very comical to observe their + transactions; for, having laid their boots and spurs on a rack, they went + into the cloisters. There they curiously washed their hands and mouths; + then sat them down on a long bench, and picked their teeth till the + provost gave the signal, whistling through his fingers; then every he + stretched out his jaws as much as he could, and they gaped and yawned for + about half-an-hour, sometimes more, sometimes less, according as the prior + judged the breakfast to be suitable to the day. + </p> + <p> + After that they went in procession, two banners being carried before them, + in one of which was the picture of Virtue, and that of Fortune in the + other. The last went before, carried by a semi-quavering friar, at whose + heels was another, with the shadow or image of Virtue in one hand and an + holy-water sprinkle in the other—I mean of that holy mercurial water + which Ovid describes in his Fasti. And as the preceding Semiquaver rang a + handbell, this shaked the sprinkle with his fist. With that says + Pantagruel, This order contradicts the rule which Tully and the academics + prescribed, that Virtue ought to go before, and Fortune follow. But they + told us they did as they ought, seeing their design was to breech, lash, + and bethwack Fortune. + </p> + <p> + During the processions they trilled and quavered most melodiously betwixt + their teeth I do not know what antiphones, or chantings, by turns. For my + part, ‘twas all Hebrew-Greek to me, the devil a word I could pick + out on’t; at last, pricking up my ears, and intensely listening, I + perceived they only sang with the tip of theirs. Oh, what a rare harmony + it was! How well ‘twas tuned to the sound of their bells! You’ll + never find these to jar, that you won’t. Pantagruel made a notable + observation upon the processions; for says he, Have you seen and observed + the policy of these Semiquavers? To make an end of their procession they + went out at one of their church doors and came in at the other; they took + a deal of care not to come in at the place whereat they went out. On my + honour, these are a subtle sort of people, quoth Panurge; they have as + much wit as three folks, two fools and a madman; they are as wise as the + calf that ran nine miles to suck a bull, and when he came there ‘twas + a steer. This subtlety and wisdom of theirs, cried Friar John, is borrowed + from the occult philosophy. May I be gutted like an oyster if I can tell + what to make on’t. Then the more ‘tis to be feared, said + Pantagruel; for subtlety suspected, subtlety foreseen, subtlety found out, + loses the essence and very name of subtlety, and only gains that of + blockishness. They are not such fools as you take them to be; they have + more tricks than are good, I doubt. + </p> + <p> + After the procession they went sluggingly into the fratery-room, by the + way of walk and healthful exercise, and there kneeled under the tables, + leaning their breasts on lanterns. While they were in that posture, in + came a huge Sandal, with a pitchfork in his hand, who used to baste, + rib-roast, swaddle, and swinge them well-favouredly, as they said, and in + truth treated them after a fashion. They began their meal as you end + yours, with cheese, and ended it with mustard and lettuce, as Martial + tells us the ancients did. Afterwards a platterful of mustard was brought + before every one of them, and thus they made good the proverb, After meat + comes mustard. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Their diet was this: +</pre> + <p> + O’ Sundays they stuffed their puddings with puddings, chitterlings, + links, Bologna sausages, forced-meats, liverings, hogs’ haslets, + young quails, and teals. You must also always add cheese for the first + course, and mustard for the last. + </p> + <p> + O’ Mondays they were crammed with peas and pork, cum commento, and + interlineary glosses. + </p> + <p> + O’ Tuesdays they used to twist store of holy-bread, cakes, buns, + puffs, lenten loaves, jumbles, and biscuits. + </p> + <p> + O’ Wednesdays my gentlemen had fine sheep’s heads, calves’ + heads, and brocks’ heads, of which there’s no want in that + country. + </p> + <p> + O’ Thursdays they guzzled down seven sorts of porridge, not + forgetting mustard. + </p> + <p> + O’ Fridays they munched nothing but services or sorb-apples; neither + were these full ripe, as I guessed by their complexion. + </p> + <p> + O’ Saturdays they gnawed bones; not that they were poor or needy, + for every mother’s son of them had a very good fat belly-benefice. + </p> + <p> + As for their drink, ‘twas an antifortunal; thus they called I don’t + know what sort of a liquor of the place. + </p> + <p> + When they wanted to eat or drink, they turned down the back-points or + flaps of their cowls forwards below their chins, and that served ‘em + instead of gorgets or slabbering-bibs. + </p> + <p> + When they had well dined, they prayed rarely all in quavers and shakes; + and the rest of the day, expecting the day of judgment, they were taken up + with acts of charity, and particularly— + </p> + <p> + O’ Sundays, rubbers at cuffs. + </p> + <p> + O’ Mondays, lending each other flirts and fillips on the nose. + </p> + <p> + O’ Tuesdays, clapperclawing one another. + </p> + <p> + O’ Wednesdays, sniting and fly-flapping. + </p> + <p> + O’ Thursdays, worming and pumping. + </p> + <p> + O’ Fridays, tickling. + </p> + <p> + O’ Saturdays, jerking and firking one another. + </p> + <p> + Such was their diet when they resided in the convent, and if the prior of + the monk-house sent any of them abroad, then they were strictly enjoined + neither to touch nor eat any manner of fish as long as they were on sea or + rivers, and to abstain from all manner of flesh whenever they were at + land, that everyone might be convinced that, while they enjoyed the + object, they denied themselves the power, and even the desire, and were no + more moved with it than the Marpesian rock. + </p> + <p> + All this was done with proper antiphones, still sung and chanted by ear, + as we have already observed. + </p> + <p> + When the sun went to bed, they fairly booted and spurred each other as + before, and having clapped on their barnacles e’en jogged to bed + too. At midnight the Sandal came to them, and up they got, and having well + whetted and set their razors, and been a-processioning, they clapped the + tables over themselves, and like wire-drawers under their work fell to it + as aforesaid. + </p> + <p> + Friar John des Entoumeures, having shrewdly observed these jolly + Semiquaver Friars, and had a full account of their statutes, lost all + patience, and cried out aloud: Bounce tail, and God ha’ mercy guts; + if every fool should wear a bauble, fuel would be dear. A plague rot it, + we must know how many farts go to an ounce. Would Priapus were here, as he + used to be at the nocturnal festivals in Crete, that I might see him play + backwards, and wriggle and shake to the purpose. Ay, ay, this is the + world, and t’other is the country; may I never piss if this be not + an antichthonian land, and our very antipodes. In Germany they pull down + monasteries and unfrockify the monks; here they go quite kam, and act + clean contrary to others, setting new ones up, against the hair. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0028" id="link52HCH0028"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XXVIII.—How Panurge asked a Semiquaver Friar many + questions, and was only answered in monosyllables. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link5image-0007" id="link5image-0007"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/5-28-600.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Friar John and Panurge--5-28-600" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + Panurge, who had since been wholly taken up with staring at these royal + Semiquavers, at last pulled one of them by the sleeve, who was as lean as + a rake, and asked him,— + </p> + <p> + Hearkee me, Friar Quaver, Semiquaver, Demisemiquavering quaver, where is + the punk? + </p> + <p> + The Friar, pointing downwards, answered, There. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Pray, have you many? Fri. Few. + </p> + <p> + Pan. How many scores have you? Fri. One. + </p> + <p> + Pan. How many would you have? Fri. Five. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Where do you hide ‘em? Fri. Here. + </p> + <p> + Pan. I suppose they are not all of one age; but, pray, how is their shape? + Fri. Straight. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Their complexion? Fri. Clear. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Their hair? Fri. Fair. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Their eyes? Fri. Black. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Their features? Fri. Good. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Their brows? Fri. Small. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Their graces? Fri. Ripe. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Their looks? Fri. Free. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Their feet? Fri. Flat. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Their heels? Fri. Short. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Their lower parts? Fri. Rare. + </p> + <p> + Pan. And their arms? Fri. Long. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What do they wear on their hands? Fri. Gloves. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What sort of rings on their fingers? Fri. Gold. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What rigging do you keep ‘em in? Fri. Cloth. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What sort of cloth is it? Fri. New. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What colour? Fri. Sky. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What kind of cloth is it? Fri. Fine. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What caps do they wear? Fri. Blue. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What’s the colour of their stockings? Fri. Red. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What wear they on their feet? Fri. Pumps. + </p> + <p> + Pan. How do they use to be? Fri. Foul. + </p> + <p> + Pan. How do they use to walk? Fri. Fast. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Now let us talk of the kitchen, I mean that of the harlots, and + without going hand over head let’s a little examine things by + particulars. What is in their kitchens? Fri. Fire. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What fuel feeds it? Fri. Wood. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What sort of wood is’t? Fri. Dry. + </p> + <p> + Pan. And of what kind of trees? Fri. Yews. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What are the faggots and brushes of? Fri. Holm. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What wood d’ye burn in your chambers? Fri. Pine. + </p> + <p> + Pan. And of what other trees? Fri. Lime. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Hearkee me; as for the buttocks, I’ll go your halves. Pray, how + do you feed ‘em? Fri. Well. + </p> + <p> + Pan. First, what do they eat? Fri. Bread. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Of what complexion? Fri. White. + </p> + <p> + Pan. And what else? Fri. Meat. + </p> + <p> + Pan. How do they love it dressed? Fri. Roast. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What sort of porridge? Fri. None. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Are they for pies and tarts? Fri. Much. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Then I’m their man. Will fish go down with them? Fri. Well. + </p> + <p> + Pan. And what else? Fri. Eggs. + </p> + <p> + Pan. How do they like ‘em? Fri. Boiled. + </p> + <p> + Pan. How must they be done? Fri. Hard. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Is this all they have? Fri. No. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What have they besides, then? Fri. Beef. + </p> + <p> + Pan. And what else? Fri. Pork. + </p> + <p> + Pan. And what more? Fri. Geese. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What then? Fri. Ducks. + </p> + <p> + Pan. And what besides? Fri. Cocks. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What do they season their meat with? Fri. Salt. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What sauce are they most dainty for? Fri. Must. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What’s their last course? Fri. Rice. + </p> + <p> + Pan. And what else? Fri. Milk. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What besides? Fri. Peas. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What sort? Fri. Green. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What do they boil with ‘em? Fri. Pork. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What fruit do they eat? Fri. Good. + </p> + <p> + Pan. How? Fri. Raw. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What do they end with? Fri. Nuts. + </p> + <p> + Pan. How do they drink? Fri. Neat. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What liquor? Fri. Wine. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What sort? Fri. White. + </p> + <p> + Pan. In winter? Fri. Strong. + </p> + <p> + Pan. In the spring. Fri. Brisk. + </p> + <p> + Pan. In summer? Fri. Cool. + </p> + <p> + Pan. In autumn? Fri. New. + </p> + <p> + Buttock of a monk! cried Friar John; how plump these plaguy trulls, these + arch Semiquavering strumpets, must be! That damned cattle are so high fed + that they must needs be high-mettled, and ready to wince and give two ups + for one go-down when anyone offers to ride them below the crupper. + </p> + <p> + Prithee, Friar John, quoth Panurge, hold thy prating tongue; stay till I + have done. + </p> + <p> + Till what time do the doxies sit up? Fri. Night. + </p> + <p> + Pan. When do they get up? Fri. Late. + </p> + <p> + Pan. May I ride on a horse that was foaled of an acorn, if this be not as + honest a cod as ever the ground went upon, and as grave as an old + gate-post into the bargain. Would to the blessed St. Semiquaver, and the + blessed worthy virgin St. Semiquavera, he were lord chief president + (justice) of Paris! Ods-bodikins, how he’d despatch! With what + expedition would he bring disputes to an upshot! What an abbreviator and + clawer off of lawsuits, reconciler of differences, examiner and fumbler of + bags, peruser of bills, scribbler of rough drafts, and engrosser of deeds + would he not make! Well, friar, spare your breath to cool your porridge. + Come, let’s now talk with deliberation, fairly and softly, as + lawyers go to heaven. Let’s know how you victual the venereal camp. + How is the snatchblatch? Fri. Rough. + </p> + <p> + Pan. How is the gateway? Fri. Free. + </p> + <p> + Pan. And how is it within? Fri. Deep. + </p> + <p> + Pan. I mean, what weather is it there? Fri. Hot. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What shadows the brooks? Fri. Groves. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Of what’s the colour of the twigs? Fri. Red. + </p> + <p> + Pan. And that of the old? Fri. Grey. + </p> + <p> + Pan. How are you when you shake? Fri. Brisk. + </p> + <p> + Pan. How is their motion? Fri. Quick. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Would you have them vault or wriggle more? Fri. Less. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What kind of tools are yours? Fri. Big. + </p> + <p> + Pan. And in their helves? Fri. Round. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Of what colour is the tip? Fri. Red. + </p> + <p> + Pan. When they’ve even used, how are they? Fri. Shrunk. + </p> + <p> + Pan. How much weighs each bag of tools? Fri. Pounds. + </p> + <p> + Pan. How hang your pouches? Fri. Tight. + </p> + <p> + Pan. How are they when you’ve done? Fri. Lank. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Now, by the oath you have taken, tell me, when you have a mind to + cohabit, how you throw ‘em? Fri. Down. + </p> + <p> + Pan. And what do they say then? Fri. Fie. + </p> + <p> + Pan. However, like maids, they say nay, and take it; and speak the less, + but think the more, minding the work in hand; do they not? Fri. True. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Do they get you bairns? Fri. None. + </p> + <p> + Pan. How do you pig together? Fri. Bare. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Remember you’re upon your oath, and tell me justly and bona + fide how many times a day you monk it? Fri. Six. + </p> + <p> + Pan. How many bouts a-nights? Fri. Ten. + </p> + <p> + Catso, quoth Friar John, the poor fornicating brother is bashful, and + sticks at sixteen, as if that were his stint. Right, quoth Panurge, but + couldst thou keep pace with him, Friar John, my dainty cod? May the devil’s + dam suck my teat if he does not look as if he had got a blow over the nose + with a Naples cowl-staff. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Pray, Friar Shakewell, does your whole fraternity quaver and shake at + that rate? Fri. All. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Who of them is the best cock o’ the game? Fri. I. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Do you never commit dry-bobs or flashes in the pan? Fri. None. + </p> + <p> + Pan. I blush like any black dog, and could be as testy as an old cook when + I think on all this; it passes my understanding. But, pray, when you have + been pumped dry one day, what have you got the next? Fri. More. + </p> + <p> + Pan. By Priapus, they have the Indian herb of which Theophrastus spoke, or + I’m much out. But, hearkee me, thou man of brevity, should some + impediment, honestly or otherwise, impair your talents and cause your + benevolence to lessen, how would it fare with you, then? Fri. Ill. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What would the wenches do? Fri. Rail. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What if you skipped, and let ‘em fast a whole day? Fri. Worse. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What do you give ‘em then? Fri. Thwacks. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What do they say to this? Fri. Bawl. + </p> + <p> + Pan. And what else? Fri. Curse. + </p> + <p> + Pan. How do you correct ‘em? Fri. Hard. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What do you get out of ‘em then? Fri. Blood. + </p> + <p> + Pan. How’s their complexion then? Fri. Odd. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What do they mend it with? Fri. Paint. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Then what do they do? Fri. Fawn. + </p> + <p> + Pan. By the oath you have taken, tell me truly what time of the year do + you do it least in? Fri. Now (August.). + </p> + <p> + Pan. What season do you do it best in? Fri. March. + </p> + <p> + Pan. How is your performance the rest of the year? Fri. Brisk. + </p> + <p> + Then quoth Panurge, sneering, Of all, and of all, commend me to Ball; this + is the friar of the world for my money. You’ve heard how short, + concise, and compendious he is in his answers. Nothing is to be got out of + him but monosyllables. By jingo, I believe he would make three bites of a + cherry. + </p> + <p> + Damn him, cried Friar John, that’s as true as I am his uncle. The + dog yelps at another gate’s rate when he is among his bitches; there + he is polysyllable enough, my life for yours. You talk of making three + bites of a cherry! God send fools more wit and us more money! May I be + doomed to fast a whole day if I don’t verily believe he would not + make above two bites of a shoulder of mutton and one swoop of a whole + pottle of wine. Zoons, do but see how down o’ the mouth the cur + looks! He’s nothing but skin and bones; he has pissed his tallow. + </p> + <p> + Truly, truly, quoth Epistemon, this rascally monastical vermin all over + the world mind nothing but their gut, and are as ravenous as any kites, + and then, forsooth, they tell us they’ve nothing but food and + raiment in this world. ‘Sdeath, what more have kings and princes? + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0029" id="link52HCH0029"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XXIX.—How Epistemon disliked the institution of Lent. + </h2> + <p> + Pray did you observe, continued Epistemon, how this damned ill-favoured + Semiquaver mentioned March as the best month for caterwauling? True, said + Pantagruel; yet Lent and March always go together, and the first was + instituted to macerate and bring down our pampered flesh, to weaken and + subdue its lusts, to curb and assuage the venereal rage. + </p> + <p> + By this, said Epistemon, you may guess what kind of a pope it was who + first enjoined it to be kept, since this filthy wooden-shoed Semiquaver + owns that his spoon is never oftener nor deeper in the porringer of + lechery than in Lent. Add to this the evident reasons given by all good + and learned physicians, affirming that throughout the whole year no food + is eaten that can prompt mankind to lascivious acts more than at that + time. + </p> + <p> + As, for example, beans, peas, phasels, or long-peason, ciches, onions, + nuts, oysters, herrings, salt-meats, garum (a kind of anchovy), and salads + wholly made up of venereous herbs and fruits, as— + </p> + <p> + Rocket, Parsley, Hop-buds, Nose-smart, Rampions, Figs, Taragon, Poppy, + Rice, Cresses, Celery, Raisins, and others. + </p> + <p> + It would not a little surprise you, said Pantagruel, should a man tell you + that the good pope who first ordered the keeping of Lent, perceiving that + at that time o’ year the natural heat (from the centre of the body, + whither it was retired during the winter’s cold) diffuses itself, as + the sap does in trees, through the circumference of the members, did + therefore in a manner prescribe that sort of diet to forward the + propagation of mankind. What makes me think so, is that by the registers + of christenings at Touars it appears that more children are born in + October and November than in the other ten months of the year, and + reckoning backwards ‘twill be easily found that they were all made, + conceived, and begotten in Lent. + </p> + <p> + I listen to you with both my ears, quoth Friar John, and that with no + small pleasure, I’ll assure you. But I must tell you that the vicar + of Jambert ascribed this copious prolification of the women, not to that + sort of food that we chiefly eat in Lent, but to the little licensed + stooping mumpers, your little booted Lent-preachers, your little + draggle-tailed father confessors, who during all that time of their reign + damn all husbands that run astray three fathom and a half below the very + lowest pit of hell. So the silly cod’s-headed brothers of the noose + dare not then stumble any more at the truckle-bed, to the no small + discomfort of their maids, and are even forced, poor souls, to take up + with their own bodily wives. Dixi; I have done. + </p> + <p> + You may descant on the institution of Lent as much as you please, cried + Epistemon; so many men so many minds; but certainly all the physicians + will be against its being suppressed, though I think that time is at hand. + I know they will, and have heard ‘em say were it not for Lent their + art would soon fall into contempt, and they’d get nothing, for + hardly anybody would be sick. + </p> + <p> + All distempers are sowed in lent; ‘tis the true seminary and native + bed of all diseases; nor does it only weaken and putrefy bodies, but it + also makes souls mad and uneasy. For then the devils do their best, and + drive a subtle trade, and the tribe of canting dissemblers come out of + their holes. ‘Tis then term-time with your cucullated pieces of + formality that have one face to God and another to the devil; and a + wretched clutter they make with their sessions, stations, pardons, + syntereses, confessions, whippings, anathematizations, and much prayer + with as little devotion. However, I’ll not offer to infer from this + that the Arimaspians are better than we are in that point; yet I speak to + the purpose. + </p> + <p> + Well, quoth Panurge to the Semiquaver friar, who happened to be by, dear + bumbasting, shaking, trilling, quavering cod, what thinkest thou of this + fellow? Is he a rank heretic? Fri. Much. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Ought he not to be singed? Fri. Well. + </p> + <p> + Pan. As soon as may be? Fri. Right. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Should not he be scalded first? Fri. No. + </p> + <p> + Pan. How then, should he be roasted? Fri. Quick. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Till at last he be? Fri. Dead. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What has he made you? Fri. Mad. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What d’ye take him to be? Fri. Damned. + </p> + <p> + Pan. What place is he to go to? Fri. Hell. + </p> + <p> + Pan. But, first, how would you have ‘em served here? Fri. Burnt. + </p> + <p> + Pan. Some have been served so? Fri. Store. + </p> + <p> + Pan. That were heretics? Fri. Less. + </p> + <p> + Pan. And the number of those that are to be warmed thus hereafter is? Fri. + Great. + </p> + <p> + Pan. How many of ‘em do you intend to save? Fri. None. + </p> + <p> + Pan. So you’d have them burned? Fri. All. + </p> + <p> + I wonder, said Epistemon to Panurge, what pleasure you can find in talking + thus with this lousy tatterdemalion of a monk. I vow, did I not know you + well, I might be ready to think you had no more wit in your head than he + has in both his shoulders. Come, come, scatter no words, returned Panurge; + everyone as they like, as the woman said when she kissed her cow. I wish I + might carry him to Gargantua; when I’m married he might be my wife’s + fool. And make you one, cried Epistemon. Well said, quoth Friar John. Now, + poor Panurge, take that along with thee, thou’rt e’en fitted; + ‘tis a plain case thou’lt never escape wearing the bull’s + feather; thy wife will be as common as the highway, that’s certain. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0030" id="link52HCH0030"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XXX.—How we came to the land of Satin. + </h2> + <p> + Having pleased ourselves with observing that new order of Semiquaver + Friars, we set sail, and in three days our skipper made the finest and + most delightful island that ever was seen. He called it the island of + Frieze, for all the ways were of frieze. + </p> + <p> + In that island is the land of Satin, so celebrated by our court pages. Its + trees and herbage never lose their leaves or flowers, and are all damask + and flowered velvet. As for the beasts and birds, they are all of tapestry + work. There we saw many beasts, birds on trees, of the same colour, + bigness, and shape of those in our country; with this difference, however, + that these did eat nothing, and never sung or bit like ours; and we also + saw there many sorts of creatures which we never had seen before. + </p> + <p> + Among the rest, several elephants in various postures; twelve of which + were the six males and six females that were brought to Rome by their + governor in the time of Germanicus, Tiberius’s nephew. Some of them + were learned elephants, some musicians, others philosophers, dancers, and + showers of tricks; and all sat down at table in good order, silently + eating and drinking like so many fathers in a fratery-room. + </p> + <p> + With their snouts or proboscises, some two cubits long, they draw up water + for their own drinking, and take hold of palm leaves, plums, and all + manner of edibles, using them offensively or defensively as we do our + fists; with them tossing men high into the air in fight, and making them + burst with laughing when they come to the ground. + </p> + <p> + They have joints (in their legs), whatever some men, who doubtless never + saw any but painted, may have written to the contrary. Between their teeth + they have two huge horns; thus Juba called ‘em, and Pausanias tells + us they are not teeth, but horns; however, Philostratus will have ‘em + to be teeth, and not horns. ‘Tis all one to me, provided you will be + pleased to own them to be true ivory. These are some three or four cubits + long, and are fixed in the upper jawbone, and consequently not in the + lowermost. If you hearken to those who will tell you to the contrary, you + will find yourself damnably mistaken, for that’s a lie with a + latchet; though ‘twere Aelian, that long-bow man, that told you so, + never believe him, for he lies as fast as a dog can trot. ‘Twas in + this very island that Pliny, his brother tell-truth, had seen some + elephants dance on the rope with bells, and whip over the tables, presto, + begone, while people were at feasts, without so much as touching the + toping topers or the topers toping. + </p> + <p> + I saw a rhinoceros there, just such a one as Harry Clerberg had formerly + showed me. Methought it was not much unlike a certain boar which I had + formerly seen at Limoges, except the sharp horn on its snout, that was + about a cubit long; by the means of which that animal dares encounter with + an elephant, that is sometimes killed with its point thrust into its + belly, which is its most tender and defenceless part. + </p> + <p> + I saw there two and thirty unicorns. They are a curst sort of creatures, + much resembling a fine horse, unless it be that their heads are like a + stag’s, their feet like an elephant’s, their tails like a wild + boar’s, and out of each of their foreheads sprouts out a sharp black + horn, some six or seven feet long; commonly it dangles down like a + turkey-cock’s comb. When a unicorn has a mind to fight, or put it to + any other use, what does it do but make it stand, and then ‘tis as + straight as an arrow. + </p> + <p> + I saw one of them, which was attended with a throng of other wild beasts, + purify a fountain with its horn. With that Panurge told me that his + prancer, alias his nimble-wimble, was like the unicorn, not altogether in + length indeed, but in virtue and propriety; for as the unicorn purified + pools and fountains from filth and venom, so that other animals came and + drank securely there afterwards, in the like manner others might water + their nags, and dabble after him without fear of shankers, carnosities, + gonorrhoeas, buboes, crinkams, and such other plagues caught by those who + venture to quench their amorous thirst in a common puddle; for with his + nervous horn he removed all the infection that might be lurking in some + blind cranny of the mephitic sweet-scented hole. + </p> + <p> + Well, quoth Friar John, when you are sped, that is, when you are married, + we will make a trial of this on thy spouse, merely for charity sake, since + you are pleased to give us so beneficial an instruction. + </p> + <p> + Ay, ay, returned Panurge, and then immediately I’ll give you a + pretty gentle aggregative pill of God, made up of two and twenty kind + stabs with a dagger, after the Caesarian way. Catso, cried Friar John, I + had rather take off a bumper of good cool wine. + </p> + <p> + I saw there the golden fleece formerly conquered by Jason, and can assure + you, on the word of an honest man, that those who have said it was not a + fleece but a golden pippin, because melon signifies both an apple and a + sheep, were utterly mistaken. + </p> + <p> + I saw also a chameleon, such as Aristotle describes it, and like that + which had been formerly shown me by Charles Maris, a famous physician of + the noble city of Lyons on the Rhone; and the said chameleon lived on air + just as the other did. + </p> + <p> + I saw three hydras, like those I had formerly seen. They are a kind of + serpent, with seven different heads. + </p> + <p> + I saw also fourteen phoenixes. I had read in many authors that there was + but one in the whole world in every century; but, if I may presume to + speak my mind, I declare that those who said this had never seen any, + unless it were in the land of Tapestry; though ‘twere vouched by + Claudian or Lactantius Firmianus. + </p> + <p> + I saw the skin of Apuleius’s golden ass. + </p> + <p> + I saw three hundred and nine pelicans. + </p> + <p> + Item, six thousand and sixteen Seleucid birds marching in battalia, and + picking up straggling grasshoppers in cornfields. + </p> + <p> + Item, some cynamologi, argatiles, caprimulgi, thynnunculs, onocrotals, or + bitterns, with their wide swallows, stymphalides, harpies, panthers, + dorcasses, or bucks, cemades, cynocephalises, satyrs, cartasans, tarands, + uri, monopses, or bonasi, neades, steras, marmosets, or monkeys, bugles, + musimons, byturoses, ophyri, screech-owls, goblins, fairies, and griffins. + </p> + <p> + I saw Mid-Lent o’ horseback, with Mid-August and Mid-March holding + its stirrups. + </p> + <p> + I saw some mankind wolves, centaurs, tigers, leopards, hyenas, + camelopardals, and orixes, or huge wild goats with sharp horns. + </p> + <p> + I saw a remora, a little fish called echineis by the Greeks, and near it a + tall ship that did not get ahead an inch, though she was in the offing + with top and top-gallants spread before the wind. I am somewhat inclined + to believe that ‘twas the very numerical ship in which Periander the + tyrant happened to be when it was stopped by such a little fish in spite + of wind and tide. It was in this land of Satin, and in no other, that + Mutianus had seen one of them. + </p> + <p> + Friar John told us that in the days of yore two sorts of fishes used to + abound in our courts of judicature, and rotted the bodies and tormented + the souls of those who were at law, whether noble or of mean descent, high + or low, rich or poor: the first were your April fish or mackerel (pimps, + panders, and bawds); the others your beneficial remoras, that is, the + eternity of lawsuits, the needless lets that keep ‘em undecided. + </p> + <p> + I saw some sphynges, some raphes, some ounces, and some cepphi, whose + fore-feet are like hands and their hind-feet like man’s. + </p> + <p> + Also some crocutas and some eali as big as sea-horses, with elephants’ + tails, boars’ jaws and tusks, and horns as pliant as an ass’s + ears. + </p> + <p> + The crocutas, most fleet animals, as big as our asses of Mirebalais, have + necks, tails, and breasts like a lion’s, legs like a stag’s, + have mouths up to the ears, and but two teeth, one above and one below; + they speak with human voices, but when they do they say nothing. + </p> + <p> + Some people say that none e’er saw an eyrie, or nest of sakers; if + you’ll believe me, I saw no less than eleven, and I’m sure I + reckoned right. + </p> + <p> + I saw some left-handed halberds, which were the first that I had ever + seen. + </p> + <p> + I saw some manticores, a most strange sort of creatures, which have the + body of a lion, red hair, a face and ears like a man’s, three rows + of teeth which close together as if you joined your hands with your + fingers between each other; they have a sting in their tails like a + scorpion’s, and a very melodious voice. + </p> + <p> + I saw some catablepases, a sort of serpents, whose bodies are small, but + their heads large, without any proportion, so that they’ve much ado + to lift them up; and their eyes are so infectious that whoever sees + ‘em dies upon the spot, as if he had seen a basilisk. + </p> + <p> + I saw some beasts with two backs, and those seemed to me the merriest + creatures in the world. They were most nimble at wriggling the buttocks, + and more diligent in tail-wagging than any water-wagtails, perpetually + jogging and shaking their double rumps. + </p> + <p> + I saw there some milched crawfish, creatures that I never had heard of + before in my life. These moved in very good order, and ‘twould have + done your heart good to have seen ‘em. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0031" id="link52HCH0031"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XXXI.—How in the land of Satin we saw Hearsay, who kept a + school of vouching. + </h2> + <p> + We went a little higher up into the country of Tapestry, and saw the + Mediterranean Sea open to the right and left down to the very bottom; just + as the Red Sea very fairly left its bed at the Arabian Gulf to make a lane + for the Jews when they left Egypt. + </p> + <p> + There I found Triton winding his silver shell instead of a horn, and also + Glaucus, Proteus, Nereus, and a thousand other godlings and sea monsters. + </p> + <p> + I also saw an infinite number of fish of all kinds, dancing, flying, + vaulting, fighting, eating, breathing, billing, shoving, milting, + spawning, hunting, fishing, skirmishing, lying in ambuscado, making + truces, cheapening, bargaining, swearing, and sporting. + </p> + <p> + In a blind corner we saw Aristotle holding a lantern in the posture in + which the hermit uses to be drawn near St. Christopher, watching, prying, + thinking, and setting everything down. + </p> + <p> + Behind him stood a pack of other philosophers, like so many bums by a + head-bailiff, as Appian, Heliodorus, Athenaeus, Porphyrius, Pancrates, + Arcadian, Numenius, Possidonius, Ovidius, Oppianus, Olympius, Seleucus, + Leonides, Agathocles, Theophrastus, Damostratus, Mutianus, Nymphodorus, + Aelian, and five hundred other such plodding dons, who were full of + business, yet had little to do; like Chrysippus or Aristarchus of Soli, + who for eight-and-fifty years together did nothing in the world but + examine the state and concerns of bees. + </p> + <p> + I spied Peter Gilles among these, with a urinal in his hand, narrowly + watching the water of those goodly fishes. + </p> + <p> + When we had long beheld everything in this land of Satin, Pantagruel said, + I have sufficiently fed my eyes, but my belly is empty all this while, and + chimes to let me know ‘tis time to go to dinner. Let’s take + care of the body lest the soul abdicate it; and to this effect let’s + taste some of these anacampserotes (‘An herb, the touching of which + is said to reconcile lovers.’—Motteux.) that hang over our + heads. Psha, cried one, they are mere trash, stark naught, o’ my + word; they’re good for nothing. + </p> + <p> + I then went to pluck some mirobolans off of a piece of tapestry whereon + they hung, but the devil a bit I could chew or swallow ‘em; and had + you had them betwixt your teeth you would have sworn they had been thrown + silk; there was no manner of savour in ‘em. + </p> + <p> + One might be apt to think Heliogabalus had taken a hint from thence, to + feast those whom he had caused to fast a long time, promising them a + sumptuous, plentiful, and imperial feast after it; for all the treat used + to amount to no more than several sorts of meat in wax, marble, + earthenware, painted and figured tablecloths. + </p> + <p> + While we were looking up and down to find some more substantial food, we + heard a loud various noise, like that of paper-mills (or women bucking of + linen); so with all speed we went to the place whence the noise came, + where we found a diminutive, monstrous, misshapen old fellow, called + Hearsay. His mouth was slit up to his ears, and in it were seven tongues, + each of them cleft into seven parts. However, he chattered, tattled, and + prated with all the seven at once, of different matters, and in divers + languages. + </p> + <p> + He had as many ears all over his head and the rest of his body as Argus + formerly had eyes, and was as blind as a beetle, and had the palsy in his + legs. + </p> + <p> + About him stood an innumerable number of men and women, gaping, listening, + and hearing very intensely. Among ‘em I observed some who strutted + like crows in a gutter, and principally a very handsome bodied man in the + face, who held then a map of the world, and with little aphorisms + compendiously explained everything to ‘em; so that those men of + happy memories grew learned in a trice, and would most fluently talk with + you of a world of prodigious things, the hundredth part of which would + take up a man’s whole life to be fully known. + </p> + <p> + Among the rest they descanted with great prolixity on the pyramids and + hieroglyphics of Egypt, of the Nile, of Babylon, of the Troglodytes, the + Hymantopodes, or crump-footed nation, the Blemiae, people that wear their + heads in the middle of their breasts, the Pigmies, the Cannibals, the + Hyperborei and their mountains, the Egypanes with their goat’s feet, + and the devil and all of others; every individual word of it by hearsay. + </p> + <p> + I am much mistaken if I did not see among them Herodotus, Pliny, Solinus, + Berosus, Philostratus, Pomponius Mela, Strabo, and God knows how many + other antiquaries. + </p> + <p> + Then Albert, the great Jacobin friar, Peter Tesmoin, alias Witness, Pope + Pius the Second, Volaterranus, Paulus Jovius the valiant, Jemmy Cartier, + Chaton the Armenian, Marco Polo the Venetian, Ludovico Romano, Pedro + Aliares, and forty cartloads of other modern historians, lurking behind a + piece of tapestry, where they were at it ding-dong, privately scribbling + the Lord knows what, and making rare work of it; and all by hearsay. + </p> + <p> + Behind another piece of tapestry (on which Naboth and Susanna’s + accusers were fairly represented), I saw close by Hearsay, good store of + men of the country of Perce and Maine, notable students, and young enough. + </p> + <p> + I asked what sort of study they applied themselves to; and was told that + from their youth they learned to be evidences, affidavit-men, and + vouchers, and were instructed in the art of swearing; in which they soon + became such proficients, that when they left that country, and went back + into their own, they set up for themselves and very honestly lived by + their trade of evidencing, positively giving their testimony of all things + whatsoever to those who feed them most roundly to do a job of journey-work + for them; and all this by hearsay. + </p> + <p> + You may think what you will of it; but I can assure you they gave some of + us corners of their cakes, and we merrily helped to empty their hogsheads. + Then, in a friendly manner, they advised us to be as sparing of truth as + possibly we could if ever we had a mind to get court preferment. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0032" id="link52HCH0032"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XXXII.—How we came in sight of Lantern-land. + </h2> + <p> + Having been but scurvily entertained in the land of Satin, we went o’ + board, and having set sail, in four days came near the coast of + Lantern-land. We then saw certain little hovering fires on the sea. + </p> + <p> + For my part, I did not take them to be lanterns, but rather thought they + were fishes which lolled their flaming tongues on the surface of the sea, + or lampyrides, which some call cicindelas, or glowworms, shining there as + ripe barley does o’ nights in my country. + </p> + <p> + But the skipper satisfied us that they were the lanterns of the watch, or, + more properly, lighthouses, set up in many places round the precinct of + the place to discover the land, and for the safe piloting in of some + outlandish lanterns, which, like good Franciscan and Jacobin friars, were + coming to make their personal appearance at the provincial chapter. + </p> + <p> + However, some of us were somewhat suspicious that these fires were the + forerunners of some storm, but the skipper assured us again they were not. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0033" id="link52HCH0033"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XXXIII.—How we landed at the port of the Lychnobii, and + came to Lantern-land. + </h2> + <p> + Soon after we arrived at the port of Lantern-land, where Pantagruel + discovered on a high tower the lantern of Rochelle, that stood us in good + stead, for it cast a great light. We also saw the lantern of Pharos, that + of Nauplion, and that of Acropolis at Athens, sacred to Pallas. + </p> + <p> + Near the port there’s a little hamlet inhabited by the Lychnobii, + that live by lanterns, as the gulligutted friars in our country live by + nuns; they are studious people, and as honest men as ever shit in a + trumpet. Demosthenes had formerly lanternized there. + </p> + <p> + We were conducted from that place to the palace by three obeliscolichnys (‘A + kind of beacons.’—Motteux.), military guards of the port, with + high-crowned hats, whom we acquainted with the cause of our voyage, and + our design, which was to desire the queen of the country to grant us a + lantern to light and conduct us during our voyage to the Oracle of the + Holy Bottle. + </p> + <p> + They promised to assist us in this, and added that we could never have + come in a better time, for then the lanterns held their provincial + chapter. + </p> + <p> + When we came to the royal palace we had audience of her highness the Queen + of Lantern-land, being introduced by two lanterns of honour, that of + Aristophanes and that of Cleanthes (Motteux adds here—‘Mistresses + of the ceremonies.’). Panurge in a few words acquainted her with the + causes of our voyage, and she received us with great demonstrations of + friendship, desiring us to come to her at supper-time that we might more + easily make choice of one to be our guide; which pleased us extremely. We + did not fail to observe intensely everything we could see, as the garbs, + motions, and deportment of the queen’s subjects, principally the + manner after which she was served. + </p> + <p> + The bright queen was dressed in virgin crystal of Tutia wrought + damaskwise, and beset with large diamonds. + </p> + <p> + The lanterns of the royal blood were clad partly with bastard-diamonds, + partly with diaphanous stones; the rest with horn, paper, and oiled cloth. + </p> + <p> + The cresset-lights took place according to the antiquity and lustre of + their families. + </p> + <p> + An earthen dark-lantern, shaped like a pot, notwithstanding this took + place of some of the first quality; at which I wondered much, till I was + told it was that of Epictetus, for which three thousand drachmas had been + formerly refused. + </p> + <p> + Martial’s polymix lantern (Motteux gives a footnote:—‘A + lamp with many wicks, or a branch’d candlestick with many springs + coming out of it, that supply all the branches with oil.’) made a + very good figure there. I took particular notice of its dress, and more + yet of the lychnosimity formerly consecrated by Canopa, the daughter of + Tisias. + </p> + <p> + I saw the lantern pensile formerly taken out of the temple of Apollo + Palatinus at Thebes, and afterwards by Alexander the Great (carried to the + town of Cymos). (The words in brackets have been omitted by Motteux.) + </p> + <p> + I saw another that distinguished itself from the rest by a bushy tuft of + crimson silk on its head. I was told ‘twas that of Bartolus, the + lantern of the civilians. + </p> + <p> + Two others were very remarkable for glister-pouches that dangled at their + waist. We were told that one was the greater light and the other the + lesser light of the apothecaries. + </p> + <p> + When ‘twas supper-time, the queen’s highness first sat down, + and then the lady lanterns, according to their rank and dignity. For the + first course they were all served with large Christmas candles, except the + queen, who was served with a hugeous, thick, stiff, flaming taper of white + wax, somewhat red towards the tip; and the royal family, as also the + provincial lantern of Mirebalais, who were served with nutlights; and the + provincial of Lower Poitou, with an armed candle. + </p> + <p> + After that, God wot, what a glorious light they gave with their wicks! I + do not say all, for you must except a parcel of junior lanterns, under the + government of a high and mighty one. These did not cast a light like the + rest, but seemed to me dimmer than any long-snuff farthing candle whose + tallow has been half melted away in a hothouse. + </p> + <p> + After supper we withdrew to take some rest, and the next day the queen + made us choose one of the most illustrious lanterns to guide us; after + which we took our leave. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0034" id="link52HCH0034"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XXXIV.—How we arrived at the Oracle of the Bottle. + </h2> + <p> + Our glorious lantern lighting and directing us to heart’s content, + we at last arrived at the desired island where was the Oracle of the + Bottle. As soon as friend Panurge landed, he nimbly cut a caper with one + leg for joy, and cried to Pantagruel, Now we are where we have wished + ourselves long ago. This is the place we’ve been seeking with such + toil and labour. He then made a compliment to our lantern, who desired us + to be of good cheer, and not be daunted or dismayed whatever we might + chance to see. + </p> + <p> + To come to the Temple of the Holy Bottle we were to go through a large + vineyard, in which were all sorts of vines, as the Falernian, Malvoisian, + the Muscadine, those of Taige, Beaune, Mirevaux, Orleans, Picardent, + Arbois, Coussi, Anjou, Grave, Corsica, Vierron, Nerac, and others. This + vineyard was formerly planted by the good Bacchus, with so great a + blessing that it yields leaves, flowers, and fruit all the year round, + like the orange trees at Suraine. + </p> + <p> + Our magnificent lantern ordered every one of us to eat three grapes, to + put some vine-leaves in his shoes, and take a vine-branch in his left + hand. + </p> + <p> + At the end of the close we went under an arch built after the manner of + those of the ancients. The trophies of a toper were curiously carved on + it. + </p> + <p> + First, on one side was to be seen a long train of flagons, leathern + bottles, flasks, cans, glass bottles, barrels, nipperkins, pint pots, + quart pots, pottles, gallons, and old-fashioned semaises (swingeing wooden + pots, such as those out of which the Germans fill their glasses); these + hung on a shady arbour. + </p> + <p> + On another side was store of garlic, onions, shallots, hams, botargos, + caviare, biscuits, neat’s tongues, old cheese, and such like + comfits, very artificially interwoven, and packed together with + vine-stocks. + </p> + <p> + On another were a hundred sorts of drinking glasses, cups, cisterns, + ewers, false cups, tumblers, bowls, mazers, mugs, jugs, goblets, talboys, + and such other Bacchic artillery. + </p> + <p> + On the frontispiece of the triumphal arch, under the zoophore, was the + following couplet: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +You who presume to move this way, +Get a good lantern, lest you stray. +</pre> + <p> + We took special care of that, cried Pantagruel when he had read them; for + there is not a better or a more divine lantern than ours in all + Lantern-land. + </p> + <p> + This arch ended at a fine large round alley covered over with the + interlaid branches of vines, loaded and adorned with clusters of five + hundred different colours, and of as many various shapes, not natural, but + due to the skill of agriculture; some were golden, others bluish, tawny, + azure, white, black, green, purple, streaked with many colours, long, + round, triangular, cod-like, hairy, great-headed, and grassy. That + pleasant alley ended at three old ivy-trees, verdant, and all loaden with + rings. Our enlightened lantern directed us to make ourselves hats with + some of their leaves, and cover our heads wholly with them, which was + immediately done. + </p> + <p> + Jupiter’s priestess, said Pantagruel, in former days would not like + us have walked under this arbour. There was a mystical reason, answered + our most perspicuous lantern, that would have hindered her; for had she + gone under it, the wine, or the grapes of which ‘tis made, that’s + the same thing, had been over her head, and then she would have seemed + overtopped and mastered by wine. Which implies that priests, and all + persons who devote themselves to the contemplation of divine things, ought + to keep their minds sedate and calm, and avoid whatever might disturb and + discompose their tranquillity, which nothing is more apt to do than + drunkenness. + </p> + <p> + You also, continued our lantern, could not come into the Holy Bottle’s + presence, after you have gone through this arch, did not that noble + priestess Bacbuc first see your shoes full of vine-leaves; which action is + diametrically opposite to the other, and signifies that you despise wine, + and having mastered it, as it were, tread it under foot. + </p> + <p> + I am no scholar, quoth Friar John, for which I’m heartily sorry, yet + I find by my breviary that in the Revelation a woman was seen with the + moon under her feet, which was a most wonderful sight. Now, as Bigot + explained it to me, this was to signify that she was not of the nature of + other women; for they have all the moon at their heads, and consequently + their brains are always troubled with a lunacy. This makes me willing to + believe what you said, dear Madam Lantern. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0035" id="link52HCH0035"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XXXV.—How we went underground to come to the Temple of the + Holy Bottle, and how Chinon is the oldest city in the world. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link5image-0008" id="link5image-0008"> + <!-- IMG --> </a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> + <img src="images/5-35-618.jpg" style="width:100%;" + alt="Humbly Beseech Your Lanternship--5-35-618" /> + </div> + <!-- IMAGE END --> + <p> + We went underground through a plastered vault, on which was coarsely + painted a dance of women and satyrs waiting on old Silenus, who was + grinning o’ horseback on his ass. This made me say to Pantagruel, + that this entry put me in mind of the painted cellar in the oldest city in + the world, where such paintings are to be seen, and in as cool a place. + </p> + <p> + Which is the oldest city in the world? asked Pantagruel. ‘Tis + Chinon, sir, or Cainon in Touraine, said I. I know, returned Pantagruel, + where Chinon lies, and the painted cellar also, having myself drunk there + many a glass of cool wine; neither do I doubt but that Chinon is an + ancient town —witness its blazon. I own ‘tis said twice or + thrice: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Chinon, +Little town, +Great renown, +On old stone +Long has stood; +There’s the Vienne, if you look down; +If you look up, there’s the wood. +</pre> + <p> + But how, continued he, can you make it out that ‘tis the oldest city + in the world? Where did you find this written? I have found it in the + sacred writ, said I, that Cain was the first that built a town; we may + then reasonably conjecture that from his name he gave it that of Cainon. + Thus, after his example, most other founders of towns have given them + their names: Athena, that’s Minerva in Greek, to Athens; Alexander + to Alexandria; Constantine to Constantinople; Pompey to Pompeiopolis in + Cilicia; Adrian to Adrianople; Canaan, to the Canaanites; Saba, to the + Sabaeans; Assur, to the Assyrians; and so Ptolemais, Caesarea, Tiberias, + and Herodium in Judaea got their names. + </p> + <p> + While we were thus talking, there came to us the great flask whom our + lantern called the philosopher, her holiness the Bottle’s governor. + He was attended with a troop of the temple-guards, all French bottles in + wicker armour; and seeing us with our javelins wrapped with ivy, with our + illustrious lantern, whom he knew, he desired us to come in with all + manner of safety, and ordered we should be immediately conducted to the + Princess Bacbuc, the Bottle’s lady of honour, and priestess of all + the mysteries; which was done. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0036" id="link52HCH0036"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XXXVI.—How we went down the tetradic steps, and of Panurge’s + fear. + </h2> + <p> + We went down one marble step under ground, where there was a resting, or, + as our workmen call it, a landing-place; then, turning to the left, we + went down two other steps, where there was another resting-place; after + that we came to three other steps, turning about, and met a third; and the + like at four steps which we met afterwards. There quoth Panurge, Is it + here? How many steps have you told? asked our magnificent lantern. One, + two, three, four, answered Pantagruel. How much is that? asked she. Ten, + returned he. Multiply that, said she, according to the same Pythagorical + tetrad. That is, ten, twenty, thirty, forty, cried Pantagruel. How much is + the whole? said she. One hundred, answered Pantagruel. Add, continued she, + the first cube—that’s eight. At the end of that fatal number + you’ll find the temple gate; and pray observe, this is the true + psychogony of Plato, so celebrated by the Academics, yet so little + understood; one moiety of which consists of the unity of the two first + numbers full of two square and two cubic numbers. We then went down those + numerical stairs, all under ground, and I can assure you, in the first + place, that our legs stood us in good stead; for had it not been for + ‘em, we had rolled just like so many hogsheads into a vault. + Secondly, our radiant lantern gave us just so much light as is in St. + Patrick’s hole in Ireland, or Trophonius’s pit in Boeotia; + which caused Panurge to say to her, after we had got down some + seventy-eight steps: + </p> + <p> + Dear madam, with a sorrowful, aching heart, I most humbly beseech your + lanternship to lead us back. May I be led to hell if I be not half dead + with fear; my heart is sunk down into my hose; I am afraid I shall make + buttered eggs in my breeches. I freely consent never to marry. You have + given yourself too much trouble on my account. The Lord shall reward you + in his great rewarder; neither will I be ungrateful when I come out of + this cave of Troglodytes. Let’s go back, I pray you. I’m very + much afraid this is Taenarus, the low way to hell, and methinks I already + hear Cerberus bark. Hark! I hear the cur, or my ears tingle. I have no + manner of kindness for the dog, for there never is a greater toothache + than when dogs bite us by the shins. And if this be only Trophonius’s + pit, the lemures, hobthrushes, and goblins will certainly swallow us + alive, just as they devoured formerly one of Demetrius’s halberdiers + for want of bridles. Art thou here, Friar John? Prithee, dear, dear cod, + stay by me; I’m almost dead with fear. Hast thou got thy bilbo? + Alas! poor pilgarlic’s defenceless. I’m a naked man, thou + knowest; let’s go back. Zoons, fear nothing, cried Friar John; I’m + by thee, and have thee fast by the collar; eighteen devils shan’t + get thee out of my clutches, though I were unarmed. Never did a man yet + want weapons who had a good arm with as stout a heart. Heaven would sooner + send down a shower of them; even as in Provence, in the fields of La Crau, + near Mariannes, there rained stones (they are there to this day) to help + Hercules, who otherwise wanted wherewithal to fight Neptune’s two + bastards. But whither are we bound? Are we a-going to the little children’s + limbo? By Pluto, they’ll bepaw and conskite us all. Or are we going + to hell for orders? By cob’s body, I’ll hamper, bethwack, and + belabour all the devils, now I have some vine-leaves in my shoes. Thou + shalt see me lay about me like mad, old boy. Which way? where the devil + are they? I fear nothing but their damned horns; but cuckoldy Panurge’s + bull-feather will altogether secure me from ‘em. Lo! in a prophetic + spirit I already see him, like another Actaeon, horned, horny, hornified. + Prithee, quoth Panurge, take heed thyself, dear frater, lest, till monks + have leave to marry, thou weddest something thou dostn’t like, as + some cat-o’-nine-tails or the quartan ague; if thou dost, may I + never come safe and sound out of this hypogeum, this subterranean cave, if + I don’t tup and ram that disease merely for the sake of making thee + a cornuted, corniferous property; otherwise I fancy the quartan ague is + but an indifferent bedfellow. I remember Gripe-men-all threatened to wed + thee to some such thing; for which thou calledest him heretic. + </p> + <p> + Here our splendid lantern interrupted them, letting us know this was the + place where we were to have a taste of the creature, and be silent; + bidding us not despair of having the word of the Bottle before we went + back, since we had lined our shoes with vine-leaves. + </p> + <p> + Come on then, cried Panurge, let’s charge through and through all + the devils of hell; we can but perish, and that’s soon done. + However, I thought to have reserved my life for some mighty battle. Move, + move, move forwards; I am as stout as Hercules, my breeches are full of + courage; my heart trembles a little, I own, but that’s only an + effect of the coldness and dampness of this vault; ‘tis neither fear + nor ague. Come on, move on, piss, pish, push on. My name’s William + Dreadnought. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0037" id="link52HCH0037"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XXXVII.—How the temple gates in a wonderful manner opened + of themselves. + </h2> + <p> + After we were got down the steps, we came to a portal of fine jasper, of + Doric order, on whose front we read this sentence in the finest gold, EN + OINO ALETHEIA—that is, In wine truth. The gates were of + Corinthian-like brass, massy, wrought with little vine-branches, finely + embossed and engraven, and were equally joined and closed together in + their mortise without padlock, key-chain, or tie whatsoever. Where they + joined, there hanged an Indian loadstone as big as an Egyptian bean, set + in gold, having two points, hexagonal, in a right line; and on each side, + towards the wall, hung a handful of scordium (garlic germander). + </p> + <p> + There our noble lantern desired us not to take it amiss that she went no + farther with us, leaving us wholly to the conduct of the priestess Bacbuc; + for she herself was not allowed to go in, for certain causes rather to be + concealed than revealed to mortals. However, she advised us to be resolute + and secure, and to trust to her for the return. She then pulled the + loadstone that hung at the folding of the gates, and threw it into a + silver box fixed for that purpose; which done, from the threshold of each + gate she drew a twine of crimson silk about nine feet long, by which the + scordium hung, and having fastened it to two gold buckles that hung at the + sides, she withdrew. + </p> + <p> + Immediately the gates flew open without being touched; not with a creaking + or loud harsh noise like that made by heavy brazen gates, but with a soft + pleasing murmur that resounded through the arches of the temple. + </p> + <p> + Pantagruel soon knew the cause of it, having discovered a small cylinder + or roller that joined the gates over the threshold, and, turning like them + towards the wall on a hard well-polished ophites stone, with rubbing and + rolling caused that harmonious murmur. + </p> + <p> + I wondered how the gates thus opened of themselves to the right and left, + and after we were all got in, I cast my eye between the gates and the wall + to endeavour to know how this happened; for one would have thought our + kind lantern had put between the gates the herb aethiopis, which they say + opens some things that are shut. But I perceived that the parts of the + gates that joined on the inside were covered with steel, and just where + the said gates touched when they were opened I saw two square Indian + loadstones of a bluish hue, well polished, and half a span broad, mortised + in the temple wall. Now, by the hidden and admirable power of the + loadstones, the steel plates were put into motion, and consequently the + gates were slowly drawn; however, not always, but when the said loadstone + on the outside was removed, after which the steel was freed from its + power, the two bunches of scordium being at the same time put at some + distance, because it deadens the magnes and robs it of its attractive + virtue. + </p> + <p> + On the loadstone that was placed on the right side the following iambic + verse was curiously engraven in ancient Roman characters: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Ducunt volentem fata, nolentem trahunt. + +Fate leads the willing, and th’ unwilling draws. +</pre> + <p> + The following sentence was neatly cut in the loadstone that was on the + left: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +ALL THINGS TEND TO THEIR END. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0038" id="link52HCH0038"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XXXVIII.—Of the Temple’s admirable pavement. + </h2> + <p> + When I had read those inscriptions, I admired the beauty of the temple, + and particularly the disposition of its pavement, with which no work that + is now, or has been under the cope of heaven, can justly be compared; not + that of the Temple of Fortune at Praeneste in Sylla’s time, or the + pavement of the Greeks, called asarotum, laid by Sosistratus at Pergamus. + For this here was wholly in compartments of precious stones, all in their + natural colours: one of red jasper, most charmingly spotted; another of + ophites; a third of porphyry; a fourth of lycophthalmy, a stone of four + different colours, powdered with sparks of gold as small as atoms; a fifth + of agate, streaked here and there with small milk-coloured waves; a sixth + of costly chalcedony or onyx-stone; and another of green jasper, with + certain red and yellowish veins. And all these were disposed in a diagonal + line. + </p> + <p> + At the portico some small stones were inlaid and evenly joined on the + floor, all in their native colours, to embellish the design of the + figures; and they were ordered in such a manner that you would have + thought some vine-leaves and branches had been carelessly strewed on the + pavement; for in some places they were thick, and thin in others. That + inlaying was very wonderful everywhere. Here were seen, as it were in the + shade, some snails crawling on the grapes; there, little lizards running + on the branches. On this side were grapes that seemed yet greenish; on + another, some clusters that seemed full ripe, so like the true that they + could as easily have deceived starlings and other birds as those which + Zeuxis drew. + </p> + <p> + Nay, we ourselves were deceived; for where the artist seemed to have + strewed the vine-branches thickest, we could not forbear walking with + great strides lest we should entangle our feet, just as people go over an + unequal stony place. + </p> + <p> + I then cast my eyes on the roof and walls of the temple, that were all + pargetted with porphyry and mosaic work, which from the left side at the + coming in most admirably represented the battle in which the good Bacchus + overthrew the Indians; as followeth. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0039" id="link52HCH0039"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XXXIX.—How we saw Bacchus’s army drawn up in + battalia in mosaic work. + </h2> + <p> + At the beginning, divers towns, hamlets, castles, fortresses, and forests + were seen in flames; and several mad and loose women, who furiously ripped + up and tore live calves, sheep, and lambs limb from limb, and devoured + their flesh. There we learned how Bacchus, at his coming into India, + destroyed all things with fire and sword. + </p> + <p> + Notwithstanding this, he was so despised by the Indians that they did not + think it worth their while to stop his progress, having been certainly + informed by their spies that his camp was destitute of warriors, and that + he had only with him a crew of drunken females, a low-built, old, + effeminate, sottish fellow, continually addled, and as drunk as a + wheelbarrow, with a pack of young clownish doddipolls, stark naked, always + skipping and frisking up and down, with tails and horns like those of + young kids. + </p> + <p> + For this reason the Indians had resolved to let them go through their + country without the least opposition, esteeming a victory over such + enemies more dishonourable than glorious. + </p> + <p> + In the meantime Bacchus marched on, burning everything; for, as you know, + fire and thunder are his paternal arms, Jupiter having saluted his mother + Semele with his thunder, so that his maternal house was ruined by fire. + Bacchus also caused a great deal of blood to be spilt; which, when he is + roused and angered, principally in war, is as natural to him as to make + some in time of peace. + </p> + <p> + Thus the plains of the island of Samos are called Panema, which signifies + bloody, because Bacchus there overtook the Amazons, who fled from the + country of Ephesus, and there let ‘em blood, so that they all died + of phlebotomy. This may give you a better insight into the meaning of an + ancient proverb than Aristotle has done in his problems, viz., Why ‘twas + formerly said, Neither eat nor sow any mint in time of war. The reason is, + that blows are given then without any distinction of parts or persons, and + if a man that’s wounded has that day handled or eaten any mint, + ‘tis impossible, or at least very hard, to stanch his blood. + </p> + <p> + After this, Bacchus was seen marching in battalia, riding in a stately + chariot drawn by six young leopards. He looked as young as a child, to + show that all good topers never grow old. He was as red as a cherry, or a + cherub, which you please, and had no more hair on his chin than there’s + in the inside of my hand. His forehead was graced with pointed horns, + above which he wore a fine crown or garland of vine-leaves and grapes, and + a mitre of crimson velvet, having also gilt buskins on. + </p> + <p> + He had not one man with him that looked like a man; his guards and all his + forces consisted wholly of Bassarides, Evantes, Euhyades, Edonides, + Trietherides, Ogygiae, Mimallonides, Maenades, Thyades, and Bacchae, + frantic, raving, raging, furious, mad women, begirt with live snakes and + serpents instead of girdles, dishevelled, their hair flowing about their + shoulders, with garlands of vine-branches instead of forehead-cloths, clad + with stag’s or goat’s skins, and armed with torches, javelins, + spears, and halberds whose ends were like pineapples. Besides, they had + certain small light bucklers that gave a loud sound if you touched ‘em + never so little, and these served them instead of drums. They were just + seventy-nine thousand two hundred and twenty-seven. + </p> + <p> + Silenus, who led the van, was one on whom Bacchus relied very much, having + formerly had many proofs of his valour and conduct. He was a diminutive, + stooping, palsied, plump, gorbellied old fellow, with a swingeing pair of + stiff-standing lugs of his own, a sharp Roman nose, large rough eyebrows, + mounted on a well-hung ass. In his fist he held a staff to lean upon, and + also bravely to fight whenever he had occasion to alight; and he was + dressed in a woman’s yellow gown. His followers were all young, + wild, clownish people, as hornified as so many kids and as fell as so many + tigers, naked, and perpetually singing and dancing country-dances. They + were called tityri and satyrs, and were in all eighty-five thousand one + hundred and thirty-three. + </p> + <p> + Pan, who brought up the rear, was a monstrous sort of a thing; for his + lower parts were like a goat’s, his thighs hairy, and his horns bolt + upright; a crimson fiery phiz, and a beard that was none of the shortest. + He was a bold, stout, daring, desperate fellow, very apt to take pepper in + the nose for yea and nay. + </p> + <p> + In his left hand he held a pipe, and a crooked stick in his right. His + forces consisted also wholly of satyrs, aegipanes, agripanes, sylvans, + fauns, lemures, lares, elves, and hobgoblins, and their number was + seventy-eight thousand one hundred and fourteen. The signal or word common + to all the army was Evohe. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0040" id="link52HCH0040"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XL.—How the battle in which the good Bacchus overthrew the + Indians was represented in mosaic work. + </h2> + <p> + In the next place we saw the representation of the good Bacchus’s + engagement with the Indians. Silenus, who led the van, was sweating, + puffing, and blowing, belabouring his ass most grievously. The ass + dreadfully opened its wide jaws, drove away the flies that plagued it, + winced, flounced, went back, and bestirred itself in a most terrible + manner, as if some damned gad-bee had stung it at the breech. + </p> + <p> + The satyrs, captains, sergeants, and corporals of companies, sounding the + orgies with cornets, in a furious manner went round the army, skipping, + capering, bounding, jerking, farting, flying out at heels, kicking and + prancing like mad, encouraging their companions to fight bravely; and all + the delineated army cried out Evohe! + </p> + <p> + First, the Maenades charged the Indians with dreadful shouts, and a horrid + din of their brazen drums and bucklers; the air rung again all around, as + the mosaic work well expressed it. And pray for the future don’t so + much admire Apelles, Aristides the Theban, and others who drew claps of + thunder, lightnings, winds, words, manners, and spirits. + </p> + <p> + We then saw the Indian army, who had at last taken the field to prevent + the devastation of the rest of their country. In the front were the + elephants, with castles well garrisoned on their backs. But the army and + themselves were put into disorder; the dreadful cries of the Bacchae + having filled them with consternation, and those huge animals turned tail + and trampled on the men of their party. + </p> + <p> + There you might have seen gaffer Silenus on his ass, putting on as hard as + he could, striking athwart and alongst, and laying about him lustily with + his staff after the old fashion of fencing. His ass was prancing and + making after the elephants, gaping and martially braying, as it were to + sound a charge, as he did when formerly in the Bacchanalian feasts he + waked the nymph Lottis, when Priapus, full of priapism, had a mind to + priapize while the pretty creature was taking a nap. + </p> + <p> + There you might have seen Pan frisk it with his goatish shanks about the + Maenades, and with his rustic pipe excite them to behave themselves like + Maenades. + </p> + <p> + A little further you might have blessed your eyes with the sight of a + young satyr who led seventeen kings his prisoners; and a Bacchis, who with + her snakes hauled along no less than two and forty captains; a little + faun, who carried a whole dozen of standards taken from the enemy; and + goodman Bacchus on his chariot, riding to and fro fearless of danger, + making much of his dear carcass, and cheerfully toping to all his merry + friends. + </p> + <p> + Finally, we saw the representation of his triumph, which was thus: first, + his chariot was wholly lined with ivy gathered on the mountain Meros; this + for its scarcity, which you know raises the price of everything, and + principally of those leaves in India. In this Alexander the Great followed + his example at his Indian triumph. The chariot was drawn by elephants + joined together, wherein he was imitated by Pompey the Great at Rome in + his African triumph. The good Bacchus was seen drinking out of a mighty + urn, which action Marius aped after his victory over the Cimbri near Aix + in Provence. All his army were crowned with ivy; their javelins, bucklers, + and drums were also wholly covered with it; there was not so much as + Silenus’s ass but was betrapped with it. + </p> + <p> + The Indian kings were fastened with chains of gold close by the wheels of + the chariot. All the company marched in pomp with unspeakable joy, loaded + with an infinite number of trophies, pageants, and spoils, playing and + singing merry epiniciums, songs of triumph, and also rural lays and + dithyrambs. + </p> + <p> + At the farthest end was a prospect of the land of Egypt; the Nile with its + crocodiles, marmosets, ibides, monkeys, trochiloses, or wrens, ichneumons, + or Pharoah’s mice, hippopotami, or sea-horses, and other creatures, + its guests and neighbours. Bacchus was moving towards that country under + the conduct of a couple of horned beasts, on one of which was written in + gold, Apis, and Osiris on the other; because no ox or cow had been seen in + Egypt till Bacchus came thither. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0041" id="link52HCH0041"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XLI.—How the temple was illuminated with a wonderful lamp. + </h2> + <p> + Before I proceed to the description of the Bottle, I’ll give you + that of an admirable lamp that dispensed so large a light over all the + temple that, though it lay underground, we could distinguish every object + as clearly as above it at noonday. + </p> + <p> + In the middle of the roof was fixed a ring of massive gold, as thick as my + clenched fist. Three chains somewhat less, most curiously wrought, hung + about two feet and a half below it, and in a triangle supported a round + plate of fine gold whose diameter or breadth did not exceed two cubits and + half a span. There were four holes in it, in each of which an empty ball + was fastened, hollow within, and open o’ top, like a little lamp; + its circumference about two hands’ breadth. Each ball was of + precious stone; one an amethyst, another an African carbuncle, the third + an opal, and the fourth an anthracites. They were full of burning water + five times distilled in a serpentine limbec, and inconsumptible, like the + oil formerly put into Pallas’ golden lamp at Acropolis of Athens by + Callimachus. In each of them was a flaming wick, partly of asbestine flax, + as of old in the temple of Jupiter Ammon, such as those which Cleombrotus, + a most studious philosopher, saw, and partly of Carpasian flax (Ozell’s + correction. Motteux reads, ‘which Cleombrotus, a most studious + philosopher, and Pandelinus of Carpasium had, which were,’ &c.), + which were rather renewed than consumed by the fire. + </p> + <p> + About two foot and a half below that gold plate, the three chains were + fastened to three handles that were fixed to a large round lamp of most + pure crystal, whose diameter was a cubit and a half, and opened about two + hands’ breadths o’ top; by which open place a vessel of the + same crystal, shaped somewhat like the lower part of a gourd-like limbec, + or an urinal, was put at the bottom of the great lamp, with such a + quantity of the afore-mentioned burning water, that the flame of the + asbestine wick reached the centre of the great lamp. This made all its + spherical body seem to burn and be in a flame, because the fire was just + at the centre and middle point, so that it was not more easy to fix the + eye on it than on the disc of the sun, the matter being wonderfully bright + and shining, and the work most transparent and dazzling by the reflection + of the various colours of the precious stones whereof the four small lamps + above the main lamp were made, and their lustre was still variously + glittering all over the temple. Then this wandering light being darted on + the polished marble and agate with which all the inside of the temple was + pargetted, our eyes were entertained with a sight of all the admirable + colours which the rainbow can boast when the sun darts his fiery rays on + some dropping clouds. + </p> + <p> + The design of the lamp was admirable in itself, but, in my opinion, what + added much to the beauty of the whole, was that round the body of the + crystal lamp there was carved in cataglyphic work a lively and pleasant + battle of naked boys, mounted on little hobby-horses, with little + whirligig lances and shields that seemed made of vine-branches with grapes + on them; their postures generally were very different, and their childish + strife and motions were so ingeniously expressed that art equalled nature + in every proportion and action. Neither did this seem engraved, but rather + hewed out and embossed in relief, or at least like grotesque, which, by + the artist’s skill, has the appearance of the roundness of the + object it represents. This was partly the effect of the various and most + charming light, which, flowing out of the lamp, filled the carved places + with its glorious rays. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0042" id="link52HCH0042"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XLII—How the Priestess Bacbuc showed us a fantastic + fountain in the temple, and how the fountain-water had the taste of wine, + according to the imagination of those who drank of it. + </h2> + <blockquote> + <p> + (‘This and the next chapter make really but one, tho’ Mr. + Motteux has made two of them; the first of which contains but eight + lines, according to him, and ends at the words fantastic fountain.’—Ozell.). + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + While we were admiring this incomparable lamp and the stupendous structure + of the temple, the venerable priestess Bacbuc and her attendants came to + us with jolly smiling looks, and seeing us duly accoutred, without the + least difficulty took us into the middle of the temple, where, just under + the aforesaid lamp, was the fine fantastic fountain. She then ordered some + cups, goblets, and talboys of gold, silver, and crystal to be brought, and + kindly invited us to drink of the liquor that sprung there, which we + readily did; for, to say the truth, this fantastic fountain was very + inviting, and its materials and workmanship more precious, rare, and + admirable than anything Plato ever dreamt of in limbo. + </p> + <p> + Its basis or groundwork was of most pure and limpid alabaster, and its + height somewhat more than three spans, being a regular heptagon on the + outside, with its stylobates or footsteps, arulets, cymasults or blunt + tops, and Doric undulations about it. It was exactly round within. On the + middle point of each angle brink stood a pillar orbiculated in form of + ivory or alabaster solid rings. These were seven in number, according to + the number of the angles (This sentence, restored by Ozell, is omitted by + Motteux.). + </p> + <p> + Each pillar’s length from the basis to the architraves was near + seven hands, taking an exact dimension of its diameter through the centre + of its circumference and inward roundness; and it was so disposed that, + casting our eyes behind one of them, whatever its cube might be, to view + its opposite, we found that the pyramidal cone of our visual line ended at + the said centre, and there, by the two opposites, formed an equilateral + triangle whose two lines divided the pillar into two equal parts. + </p> + <p> + That which we had a mind to measure, going from one side to another, two + pillars over, at the first third part of the distance between them, was + met by their lowermost and fundamental line, which, in a consult line + drawn as far as the universal centre, equally divided, gave, in a just + partition, the distance of the seven opposite pillars in a right line, + beginning at the obtuse angle on the brink, as you know that an angle is + always found placed between two others in all angular figures odd in + number. + </p> + <p> + This tacitly gave us to understand that seven semidiameters are in + geometrical proportion, compass, and distance somewhat less than the + circumference of a circle, from the figure of which they are extracted; + that is to say, three whole parts, with an eighth and a half, a little + more, or a seventh and a half, a little less, according to the + instructions given us of old by Euclid, Aristotle, Archimedes, and others. + </p> + <p> + The first pillar, I mean that which faced the temple gate, was of azure, + sky-coloured sapphire. + </p> + <p> + The second, of hyacinth, a precious stone exactly of the colour of the + flower into which Ajax’s choleric blood was transformed; the Greek + letters A I being seen on it in many places. + </p> + <p> + The third, an anachite diamond, as bright and glittering as lightning. + </p> + <p> + The fourth, a masculine ruby balas (peach-coloured) amethystizing, its + flame and lustre ending in violet or purple like an amethyst. + </p> + <p> + The fifth, an emerald, above five hundred and fifty times more precious + than that of Serapis in the labyrinth of the Egyptians, and more verdant + and shining than those that were fixed, instead of eyes, in the marble + lion’s head near King Hermias’s tomb. + </p> + <p> + The sixth, of agate, more admirable and various in the distinctions of its + veins, clouds, and colours than that which Pyrrhus, King of Epirus, so + mightily esteemed. + </p> + <p> + The seventh, of syenites, transparent, of the colour of a beryl and the + clear hue of Hymetian honey; and within it the moon was seen, such as we + see it in the sky, silent, full, new, and in the wane. + </p> + <p> + These stones were assigned to the seven heavenly planets by the ancient + Chaldaeans; and that the meanest capacities might be informed of this, + just at the central perpendicular line, on the chapter of the first + pillar, which was of sapphire, stood the image of Saturn in elutian + (Motteux reads ‘Eliacim.’) lead, with his scythe in his hand, + and at his feet a crane of gold, very artfully enamelled, according to the + native hue of the saturnine bird. + </p> + <p> + On the second, which was of hyacinth, towards the left, Jupiter was seen + in jovetian brass, and on his breast an eagle of gold enamelled to the + life. + </p> + <p> + On the third was Phoebus of the purest gold, and a white cock in his right + hand. + </p> + <p> + On the fourth was Mars in Corinthian brass, and a lion at his feet. + </p> + <p> + On the fifth was Venus in copper, the metal of which Aristonides made + Athamas’s statue, that expressed in a blushing whiteness his + confusion at the sight of his son Learchus, who died at his feet of a + fall. + </p> + <p> + On the sixth was Mercury in hydrargyre. I would have said quicksilver, had + it not been fixed, malleable, and unmovable. That nimble deity had a stork + at his feet. + </p> + <p> + On the seventh was the Moon in silver, with a greyhound at her feet. + </p> + <p> + The size of these statues was somewhat more than a third part of the + pillars on which they stood, and they were so admirably wrought according + to mathematical proportion that Polycletus’s canon could hardly have + stood in competition with them. + </p> + <p> + The bases of the pillars, the chapters, the architraves, zoophores, and + cornices were Phrygian work of massive gold, purer and finer than any that + is found in the rivers Leede near Montpellier, Ganges in India, Po in + Italy, Hebrus in Thrace, Tagus in Spain, and Pactolus in Lydia. + </p> + <p> + The small arches between the pillars were of the same precious stone of + which the pillars next to them were. Thus, that arch was of sapphire which + ended at the hyacinth pillar, and that was of hyacinth which went towards + the diamond, and so on. + </p> + <p> + Above the arches and chapters of the pillars, on the inward front, a + cupola was raised to cover the fountain. It was surrounded by the + planetary statues, heptagonal at the bottom, and spherical o’ top, + and of crystal so pure, transparent, well-polished, whole and uniform in + all its parts, without veins, clouds, flaws, or streaks, that Xenocrates + never saw such a one in his life. + </p> + <p> + Within it were seen the twelve signs of the zodiac, the twelve months of + the year, with their properties, the two equinoxes, the ecliptic line, + with some of the most remarkable fixed stars about the antartic pole and + elsewhere, so curiously engraven that I fancied them to be the workmanship + of King Necepsus, or Petosiris, the ancient mathematician. + </p> + <p> + On the top of the cupola, just over the centre of the fountain, were three + noble long pearls, all of one size, pear fashion, perfectly imitating a + tear, and so joined together as to represent a flower-de-luce or lily, + each of the flowers seeming above a hand’s breadth. A carbuncle + jetted out of its calyx or cup as big as an ostrich’s egg, cut seven + square (that number so beloved of nature), and so prodigiously glorious + that the sight of it had like to have made us blind, for the fiery sun or + the pointed lightning are not more dazzling and unsufferably bright. + </p> + <p> + Now, were some judicious appraisers to judge of the value of this + incomparable fountain, and the lamp of which we have spoke, they would + undoubtedly affirm it exceeds that of all the treasures and curiosities in + Europe, Asia, and Africa put together. For that carbuncle alone would have + darkened the pantarbe of Iarchus (Motteux reads ‘Joachas.’) + the Indian magician, with as much ease as the sun outshines and dims the + stars with his meridian rays. + </p> + <p> + Nor let Cleopatra, that Egyptian queen, boast of her pair of pendants, + those two pearls, one of which she caused to be dissolved in vinegar, in + the presence of Antony the Triumvir, her gallant. + </p> + <p> + Or let Pompeia Plautina be proud of her dress covered all over with + emeralds and pearls curiously intermixed, she who attracted the eyes of + all Rome, and was said to be the pit and magazine of the conquering + robbers of the universe. + </p> + <p> + The fountain had three tubes or channels of right pearl, seated in three + equilateral angles already mentioned, extended on the margin, and those + channels proceeded in a snail-like line, winding equally on both sides. + </p> + <p> + We looked on them a while, and had cast our eyes on another side, when + Bacbuc directed us to watch the water. We then heard a most harmonious + sound, yet somewhat stopped by starts, far distant, and subterranean, by + which means it was still more pleasing than if it had been free, + uninterrupted, and near us, so that our minds were as agreeably + entertained through our ears with that charming melody as they were + through the windows of our eyes with those delightful objects. + </p> + <p> + Bacbuc then said, Your philosophers will not allow that motion is begot by + the power of figures; look here, and see the contrary. By that single + snail-like motion, equally divided as you see, and a fivefold infoliature, + movable at every inward meeting, such as is the vena cava where it enters + into the right ventricle of the heart; just so is the flowing of this + fountain, and by it a harmony ascends as high as your world’s ocean. + </p> + <p> + She then ordered her attendants to make us drink; and, to tell you the + truth of the matter as near as possible, we are not, heaven be praised! of + the nature of a drove of calf-lollies, who (as your sparrows can’t + feed unless you bob them on the tail) must be rib-roasted with tough + crabtree and firked into a stomach, or at least into an humour to eat or + drink. No, we know better things, and scorn to scorn any man’s + civility who civilly invites us to a drinking bout. Bacbuc asked us then + how we liked our tiff. We answered that it seemed to us good harmless + sober Adam’s liquor, fit to keep a man in the right way, and, in a + word, mere element; more cool and clear than Argyrontes in Aetolia, Peneus + in Thessaly, Axius in Mygdonia, or Cydnus in Cilicia, a tempting sight of + whose cool silver stream caused Alexander to prefer the short-lived + pleasure of bathing himself in it to the inconveniences which he could not + but foresee would attend so ill-termed an action. + </p> + <p> + This, said Bacbuc, comes of not considering with ourselves, or + understanding the motions of the musculous tongue, when the drink glides + on it in its way to the stomach. Tell me, noble strangers, are your + throats lined, paved, or enamelled, as formerly was that of Pithyllus, + nicknamed Theutes, that you can have missed the taste, relish, and flavour + of this divine liquor? Here, said she, turning towards her gentlewomen, + bring my scrubbing-brushes, you know which, to scrape, rake, and clear + their palates. + </p> + <p> + They brought immediately some stately, swingeing, jolly hams, fine + substantial neat’s tongues, good hung-beef, pure and delicate + botargos, venison, sausages, and such other gullet-sweepers. And, to + comply with her invitation, we crammed and twisted till we owned ourselves + thoroughly cured of thirst, which before did damnably plague us. + </p> + <p> + We are told, continued she, that formerly a learned and valiant Hebrew + chief, leading his people through the deserts, where they were in danger + of being famished, obtained of God some manna, whose taste was to them, by + imagination, such as that of meat was to them before in reality; thus, + drinking of this miraculous liquor, you’ll find it taste like any + wine that you shall fancy you drink. Come, then, fancy and drink. We did + so, and Panurge had no sooner whipped off his brimmer but he cried, By + Noah’s open shop, ‘tis vin de Beaune, better than ever was yet + tipped over tongue, or may ninety-six devils swallow me. Oh! that to keep + its taste the longer, we gentlemen topers had but necks some three cubits + long or so, as Philoxenus desired to have, or, at least, like a crane’s, + as Melanthius wished his. + </p> + <p> + On the faith of true lanterners, quoth Friar John, ‘tis gallant, + sparkling Greek wine. Now, for God’s sake, sweetheart, do but teach + me how the devil you make it. It seems to me Mirevaux wine, said + Pantagruel; for before I drank I supposed it to be such. Nothing can be + misliked in it, but that 'tis cold; colder, I say, than the very ice; + colder than the Nonacrian and Dercean (Motteux reads ‘Deraen.’) + water, or the Conthoporian (Motteux, 'Conthopian.’) spring at + Corinth, that froze up the stomach and nutritive parts of those that drank + of it. + </p> + <p> + Drink once, twice, or thrice more, said Bacbuc, still changing your + imagination, and you shall find its taste and flavour to be exactly that + on which you shall have pitched. Then never presume to say that anything + is impossible to God. We never offered to say such a thing, said I; far + from it, we maintain he is omnipotent. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0043" id="link52HCH0043"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XLIII.—How the Priestess Bacbuc equipped Panurge in order + to have the word of the Bottle. + </h2> + <p> + When we had thus chatted and tippled, Bacbuc asked, Who of you here would + have the word of the Bottle? I, your most humble little funnel, an’t + please you, quoth Panurge. Friend, saith she, I have but one thing to tell + you, which is, that when you come to the Oracle, you take care to hearken + and hear the word only with one ear. This, cried Friar John, is wine of + one ear, as Frenchmen call it. + </p> + <p> + She then wrapped him up in a gaberdine, bound his noddle with a goodly + clean biggin, clapped over it a felt such as those through which hippocras + is distilled, at the bottom of which, instead of a cowl, she put three + obelisks, made him draw on a pair of old-fashioned codpieces instead of + mittens, girded him about with three bagpipes bound together, bathed his + jobbernowl thrice in the fountain; then threw a handful of meal on his + phiz, fixed three cock’s feathers on the right side of the + hippocratical felt, made him take a jaunt nine times round the fountain, + caused him to take three little leaps and to bump his a— seven times + against the ground, repeating I don’t know what kind of conjurations + all the while in the Tuscan tongue, and ever and anon reading in a ritual + or book of ceremonies, carried after her by one of her mystagogues. + </p> + <p> + For my part, may I never stir if I don’t really believe that neither + Numa Pompilius, the second King of the Romans, nor the Cerites of Tuscia, + and the old Hebrew captain ever instituted so many ceremonies as I then + saw performed; nor were ever half so many religious forms used by the + soothsayers of Memphis in Egypt to Apis, or by the Euboeans, at Rhamnus + (Motteux gives ‘or by the Embrians, or at Rhamnus.’), to + Rhamnusia, or to Jupiter Ammon, or to Feronia. + </p> + <p> + When she had thus accoutred my gentleman, she took him out of our company, + and led him out of the temple, through a golden gate on the right, into a + round chapel made of transparent speculary stones, by whose solid + clearness the sun’s light shined there through the precipice of the + rock without any windows or other entrance, and so easily and fully + dispersed itself through the greater temple that the light seemed rather + to spring out of it than to flow into it. + </p> + <p> + The workmanship was not less rare than that of the sacred temple at + Ravenna, or that in the island of Chemnis in Egypt. Nor must I forget to + tell you that the work of that round chapel was contrived with such a + symmetry that its diameter was just the height of the vault. + </p> + <p> + In the middle of it was an heptagonal fountain of fine alabaster most + artfully wrought, full of water, which was so clear that it might have + passed for element in its purity and singleness. The sacred Bottle was in + it to the middle, clad in pure fine crystal of an oval shape, except its + muzzle, which was somewhat wider than was consistent with that figure. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0044" id="link52HCH0044"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XLIV.—How Bacbuc, the high-priestess, brought Panurge + before the Holy Bottle. + </h2> + <p> + There the noble priestess Bacbuc made Panurge stoop and kiss the brink of + the fountain; then bade him rise and dance three ithymbi (‘Dances in + the honour of Bacchus.’—Motteux.). Which done, she ordered him + to sit down between two stools placed there for that purpose, his arse + upon the ground. Then she opened her ceremonial book, and, whispering in + his left ear, made him sing an epileny, inserted here in the figure of the + bottle. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Bottle, whose Mysterious Deep +Do’s ten thousand Secrets keep, +With attentive Ear I wait; +Ease my Mind, and speak my Fate. +Soul of Joy! Like Bacchus, we +More than India gain by thee. +Truths unborn thy Juice reveals, +Which Futurity conceals. +Antidote to Frauds and Lies, +Wine, that mounts us to the Skies, +May thy Father Noah’s Brood +Like him drown, but in thy Flood. +Speak, so may the Liquid Mine +Of Rubies, or of Diamonds shine. +Bottle, whose Mysterious Deep +Do’s ten thousand Secrets keep, +With attentive Ear I wait; +Ease my Mind, and speak my Fate. +</pre> + <p> + When Panurge had sung, Bacbuc threw I don’t know what into the + fountain, and straight its water began to boil in good earnest, just for + the world as doth the great monastical pot at Bourgueil when ‘tis + high holiday there. Friend Panurge was listening with one ear, and Bacbuc + kneeled by him, when such a kind of humming was heard out of the Bottle as + is made by a swarm of bees bred in the flesh of a young bull killed and + dressed according to Aristaeus’s art, or such as is made when a bolt + flies out of a crossbow, or when a shower falls on a sudden in summer. + Immediately after this was heard the word Trinc. By cob’s body, + cried Panurge, ‘tis broken, or cracked at least, not to tell a lie + for the matter; for even so do crystal bottles speak in our country when + they burst near the fire. + </p> + <p> + Bacbuc arose, and gently taking Panurge under the arms, said, Friend, + offer your thanks to indulgent heaven, as reason requires. You have soon + had the word of the Goddess-Bottle; and the kindest, most favourable, and + certain word of answer that I ever yet heard her give since I officiated + here at her most sacred oracle. Rise, let us go to the chapter, in whose + gloss that fine word is explained. With all my heart, quoth Panurge; by + jingo, I am just as wise as I was last year. Light, where’s the + book? Turn it over, where’s the chapter? Let’s see this merry + gloss. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0045" id="link52HCH0045"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XLV.—How Bacbuc explained the word of the Goddess-Bottle. + </h2> + <p> + Bacbuc having thrown I don’t know what into the fountain, straight + the water ceased to boil; and then she took Panurge into the greater + temple, in the central place, where there was the enlivening fountain. + </p> + <p> + There she took out a hugeous silver book, in the shape of a half-tierce, + or hogshead, of sentences, and, having filled it at the fountain, said to + him, The philosophers, preachers, and doctors of your world feed you up + with fine words and cant at the ears; now, here we really incorporate our + precepts at the mouth. Therefore I’ll not say to you, read this + chapter, see this gloss; no, I say to you, taste me this fine chapter, + swallow me this rare gloss. Formerly an ancient prophet of the Jewish + nation ate a book and became a clerk even to the very teeth! Now will I + have you drink one, that you may be a clerk to your very liver. Here, open + your mandibules. + </p> + <p> + Panurge gaping as wide as his jaws would stretch, Bacbuc took the silver + book—at least we took it for a real book, for it looked just for the + world like a breviary—but in truth it was a breviary, a flask of + right Falernian wine as it came from the grape, which she made him swallow + every drop. + </p> + <p> + By Bacchus, quoth Panurge, this was a notable chapter, a most authentic + gloss, o’ my word. Is this all that the trismegistian Bottle’s + word means? I’ troth, I like it extremely; it went down like mother’s + milk. Nothing more, returned Bacbuc; for Trinc is a panomphean word, that + is, a word understood, used and celebrated by all nations, and signifies + drink. + </p> + <p> + Some say in your world that sack is a word used in all tongues, and justly + admitted in the same sense among all nations; for, as Aesop’s fable + hath it, all men are born with a sack at the neck, naturally needy and + begging of each other; neither can the most powerful king be without the + help of other men, or can anyone that’s poor subsist without the + rich, though he be never so proud and insolent; as, for example, Hippias + the philosopher, who boasted he could do everything. Much less can anyone + make shift without drink than without a sack. Therefore here we hold not + that laughing, but that drinking is the distinguishing character of man. I + don’t say drinking, taking that word singly and absolutely in the + strictest sense; no, beasts then might put in for a share; I mean drinking + cool delicious wine. For you must know, my beloved, that by wine we become + divine; neither can there be a surer argument or a less deceitful + divination. Your (‘Varro.’—Motteux) academics assert the + same when they make the etymology of wine, which the Greeks call OINOS, to + be from vis, strength, virtue, and power; for ‘tis in its power to + fill the soul with all truth, learning, and philosophy. + </p> + <p> + If you observe what is written in Ionic letters on the temple gate, you + may have understood that truth is in wine. The Goddess-Bottle therefore + directs you to that divine liquor; be yourself the expounder of your + undertaking. + </p> + <p> + It is impossible, said Pantagruel to Panurge, to speak more to the purpose + than does this true priestess; you may remember I told you as much when + you first spoke to me about it. + </p> + <p> + Trinc then: what says your heart, elevated by Bacchic enthusiasm? + </p> + <p> + With this quoth Panurge: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Trinc, trinc; by Bacchus, let us tope, +And tope again; for, now I hope +To see some brawny, juicy rump +Well tickled with my carnal stump. +Ere long, my friends, I shall be wedded, +Sure as my trap-stick has a red-head; +And my sweet wife shall hold the combat +Long as my baws can on her bum beat. +O what a battle of a— fighting +Will there be, which I much delight in! +What pleasing pains then shall I take +To keep myself and spouse awake! +All heart and juice, I’ll up and ride, +And make a duchess of my bride. +Sing Io paean! loudly sing +To Hymen, who all joys will bring. +Well, Friar John, I’ll take my oath, +This oracle is full of troth; +Intelligible truth it bears, +More certain than the sieve and shears. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0046" id="link52HCH0046"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XLVI.—How Panurge and the rest rhymed with poetic fury. + </h2> + <p> + What a pox ails the fellow? quoth Friar John. Stark staring mad, or + bewitched, o’ my word! Do but hear the chiming dotterel gabble in + rhyme. What o’ devil has he swallowed? His eyes roll in his + loggerhead just for the world like a dying goat’s. Will the + addle-pated wight have the grace to sheer off? Will he rid us of his + damned company, to go shite out his nasty rhyming balderdash in some + bog-house? Will nobody be so kind as to cram some dog’s-bur down the + poor cur’s gullet? or will he, monk-like, run his fist up to the + elbow into his throat to his very maw, to scour and clear his flanks? Will + he take a hair of the same dog? + </p> + <p> + Pantagruel chid Friar John, and said: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Bold monk, forbear! this, I’ll assure ye, +Proceeds all from poetic fury; +Warmed by the god, inspired with wine, +His human soul is made divine. +For without jest, +His hallowed breast, +With wine possessed, +Could have no rest +Till he’d expressed +Some thoughts at least +Of his great guest. +Then straight he flies +Above the skies, +And mortifies, +With prophecies, +Our miseries. +And since divinely he’s inspired, +Adore the soul by wine acquired, +And let the tosspot be admired. +</pre> + <p> + How, quoth the friar, the fit rhyming is upon you too? Is’t come to + that? Then we are all peppered, or the devil pepper me. What would I not + give to have Gargantua see us while we are in this maggotty crambo-vein! + Now may I be cursed with living on that damned empty food, if I can tell + whether I shall scape the catching distemper. The devil a bit do I + understand which way to go about it; however, the spirit of fustian + possesses us all, I find. Well, by St. John, I’ll poetize, since + everybody does; I find it coming. Stay, and pray pardon me if I don’t + rhyme in crimson; ‘tis my first essay. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Thou, who canst water turn to wine, +Transform my bum, by power divine, +Into a lantern, that may light +My neighbour in the darkest night. +</pre> + <p> + Panurge then proceeds in his rapture, and says: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +From Pythian Tripos ne’er were heard +More truths, nor more to be revered. +I think from Delphos to this spring +Some wizard brought that conjuring thing. +Had honest Plutarch here been toping, +He then so long had ne’er been groping +To find, according to his wishes, +Why oracles are mute as fishes +At Delphos. Now the reason’s clear; +No more at Delphos they’re, but here. +Here is the tripos, out of which +Is spoke the doom of poor and rich. +For Athenaeus does relate +This Bottle is the Womb of Fate; +Prolific of mysterious wine, +And big with prescience divine, +It brings the truth with pleasure forth; +Besides you ha’t a pennyworth. +So, Friar John, I must exhort you +To wait a word that may import you, +And to inquire, while here we tarry, +If it shall be your luck to marry. +</pre> + <p> + Friar John answers him in a rage, and says: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +How, marry! By St. Bennet’s boot, +And his gambadoes, I’ll never do’t. +No man that knows me e’er shall judge +I mean to make myself a drudge; +Or that pilgarlic e’er will dote +Upon a paltry petticoat. +I’ll ne’er my liberty betray +All for a little leapfrog play; +And ever after wear a clog +Like monkey or like mastiff-dog. +No, I’d not have, upon my life, +Great Alexander for my wife, +Nor Pompey, nor his dad-in-law, +Who did each other clapperclaw. +Not the best he that wears a head +Shall win me to his truckle-bed. +</pre> + <p> + Panurge, pulling off his gaberdine and mystical accoutrements, replied: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Wherefore thou shalt, thou filthy beast, +Be damned twelve fathoms deep at least; +While I shall reign in Paradise, +Whence on thy loggerhead I’ll piss. +Now when that dreadful hour is come, +That thou in hell receiv’st thy doom, +E’en there, I know, thou’lt play some trick, +And Proserpine shan’t scape a prick +Of the long pin within thy breeches. +But when thou’rt using these capriches, +And caterwauling in her cavern, +Send Pluto to the farthest tavern +For the best wine that’s to be had, +Lest he should see, and run horn-mad. +She’s kind, and ever did admire +A well-fed monk or well-hung friar. +</pre> + <p> + Go to, quoth Friar John, thou old noddy, thou doddipolled ninny, go to the + devil thou’rt prating of. I’ve done with rhyming; the rheum + gripes me at the gullet. Let’s talk of paying and going; come. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link52HCH0047" id="link52HCH0047"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chapter 5.XLVII.—How we took our leave of Bacbuc, and left the + Oracle of the Holy Bottle. + </h2> + <p> + Do not trouble yourself about anything here, said the priestess to the + friar; if you be but satisfied, we are. Here below, in these circumcentral + regions, we place the sovereign good, not in taking and receiving, but in + bestowing and giving; so that we esteem ourselves happy, not if we take + and receive much of others, as perhaps the sects of teachers do in your + world, but rather if we impart and give much. All I have to beg of you is + that you leave us here your names in writing, in this ritual. She then + opened a fine large book, and as we gave our names one of her mystagogues + with a gold pin drew some lines on it, as if she had been writing; but we + could not see any characters. + </p> + <p> + This done, she filled three glasses with fantastic water, and giving them + into our hands, said, Now, my friends, you may depart, and may that + intellectual sphere whose centre is everywhere and circumference nowhere, + whom we call GOD, keep you in his almighty protection. When you come into + your world, do not fail to affirm and witness that the greatest treasures + and most admirable things are hidden underground, and not without reason. + </p> + <p> + Ceres was worshipped because she taught mankind the art of husbandry, and + by the use of corn, which she invented, abolished that beastly way of + feeding on acorns; and she grievously lamented her daughter’s + banishment into our subterranean regions, certainly foreseeing that + Proserpine would meet with more excellent things, more desirable + enjoyments, below, than she her mother could be blessed with above. + </p> + <p> + What do you think is become of the art of forcing the thunder and + celestial fire down, which the wise Prometheus had formerly invented? + ‘Tis most certain you have lost it; ‘tis no more on your + hemisphere; but here below we have it. And without a cause you sometimes + wonder to see whole towns burned and destroyed by lightning and ethereal + fire, and are at a loss about knowing from whom, by whom, and to what end + those dreadful mischiefs were sent. Now, they are familiar and useful to + us; and your philosophers who complain that the ancients have left them + nothing to write of or to invent, are very much mistaken. Those phenomena + which you see in the sky, whatever the surface of the earth affords you, + and the sea, and every river contain, is not to be compared with what is + hid within the bowels of the earth. + </p> + <p> + For this reason the subterranean ruler has justly gained in almost every + language the epithet of rich. Now when your sages shall wholly apply their + minds to a diligent and studious search after truth, humbly begging the + assistance of the sovereign God, whom formerly the Egyptians in their + language called The Hidden and the Concealed, and invoking him by that + name, beseech him to reveal and make himself known to them, that Almighty + Being will, out of his infinite goodness, not only make his creatures, but + even himself known to them. + </p> + <p> + Thus will they be guided by good lanterns. For all the ancient + philosophers and sages have held two things necessary safely and + pleasantly to arrive at the knowledge of God and true wisdom; first, God’s + gracious guidance, then man’s assistance. + </p> + <p> + So, among the philosophers, Zoroaster took Arimaspes for the companion of + his travels; Aesculapius, Mercury; Orpheus, Musaeus; Pythagoras, + Aglaophemus; and, among princes and warriors, Hercules in his most + difficult achievements had his singular friend Theseus; Ulysses, Diomedes; + Aeneas, Achates. You followed their examples, and came under the conduct + of an illustrious lantern. Now, in God’s name depart, and may he go + along with you! + </p> + <p> + THE END OF THE FIFTH BOOK OF THE HEROIC DEEDS AND SAYINGS OF THE NOBLE + PANTAGRUEL. PANTAGRUEL. <br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Gargantua and Pantagruel, Complete. +by Francois Rabelais + + <div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 1200 ***</div> +</body> +</html> |