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+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, April 23, 1919
, by Various</title>
+ <style type="text/css">
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+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156,
+April 23, 1919, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, April 23, 1919
</p>
+<p>Author: Various</p>
+<p>Release Date: April 2, 2004 [eBook #11872]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: iso-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 156, APRIL 23, 1919
***</p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<center><b>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis,<br />
+ and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</b></center>
+<br />
+<br />
+<hr class="full" />
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+ OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+ <h2>Vol. 156.</h2>
+ <hr class="full" />
+
+ <h2>April 23, 1919.</h2>
+ <hr class="full" />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page313"
+ id="page313"></a>[pg 313]</span>
+
+ <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+ <p>"Hull electors," declared a Radical contemporary, "have
+ dealt the Coalition a stinging rebuke." But not, as others
+ claim, the <i>coupon de grace</i>.</p>
+ <hr class="short" />
+
+ <p><i>À propos</i>, a Woking butcher was fined last week
+ for being thirty-two thousand coupons short. The report that he
+ has since received a letter of condolence from Mr. LLOYD GEORGE
+ is not confirmed.</p>
+ <hr class="short" />
+
+ <p>A correspondent who has a latchkey would like to hear from a
+ gentleman who could fit a house to it.</p>
+ <hr class="short" />
+
+ <p>A food inspector at Chatham admitted that he could not tell
+ the difference between No. 1 grade tinned beef and No. 2 grade.
+ The old plan of calling one grade Rover and the other Fido
+ seems to have been abolished since the War.</p>
+ <hr class="short" />
+
+ <p>The EX-CROWN PRINCE, in a recent interview with a Danish
+ newspaper man, called LUDENDORFF a liar. LUDENDORFF is believed
+ to be preparing a crushing rejoinder, in which he calls the
+ EX-CROWN PRINCE a Hohenzollern.</p>
+ <hr class="short" />
+
+ <p>"The new Bolsheviks," says <i>The Philatelist</i>, "are
+ fetching eight shillings a pair." It doesn't say where they are
+ fetching it from, but it is clear that he loot business has
+ declined since the days of the old Bolsheviks.</p>
+ <hr class="short" />
+
+ <p>The United States Government has purchased four million
+ pounds of frozen chickens for the American army. They are to be
+ tested by inspectors before shipment to determine whether they
+ are edible. What is known in scientific circles as the Soho
+ standard of resilience will probably be applied.</p>
+ <hr class="short" />
+
+ <p>Burglars have broken into an East End moneylender's office.
+ It is not known definitely how much they lost.</p>
+ <hr class="short" />
+
+ <p>The five hundred pounds in notes recently lost by a London
+ hotel guest have now been recovered. It appears that a waiter
+ had mistaken them for a gratuity.</p>
+ <hr class="short" />
+
+ <p>The Metropolitan police are trying to establish the identity
+ of a man who can give no account of himself and who knows
+ nothing about the War. The fact that he was not wearing red
+ tabs only adds to the mystery.</p>
+ <hr class="short" />
+
+ <p>"Some men dance the Jazz dance," says a contemporary,
+ "because it is stimulating." It is not known why the others do
+ it.</p>
+ <hr class="short" />
+
+ <p>A squirrel having been stolen from the Zoo, it is said that
+ the authorities are taking no further risks, and that in future
+ all lions and tigers will be securely chained to their
+ cages.</p>
+ <hr class="short" />
+
+ <p>It is reported that a much-advertised motor-car, after
+ having its engine removed, ran for seven miles on its
+ reputation alone.</p>
+ <hr class="short" />
+
+ <p>With reference to the report that a service man had received
+ a letter from the Intelligence Department admitting that a
+ certain mistake was due to a clerical error, it is now reported
+ that this admission was due to another oversight.</p>
+ <hr class="short" />
+
+ <p>A terrible tragedy was only just averted last week, when a
+ husband, who had travelled from the City by tube, and his wife,
+ who had been to the Spring bargain sales, failed to recognise
+ each other on their return home.</p>
+ <hr class="short" />
+
+ <p>The War Office, the Board of Trade and the Zoo have formed a
+ Triple Alliance for a campaign against rats. As a result of
+ this it is said that quite a number of the more timid rodents
+ are afraid to go out alone after dark.</p>
+ <hr class="short" />
+
+ <p>The Society of Public Analysts has been asked by the Food
+ Ministry to define a sausage. A number of pedigree sausages are
+ to be submitted for classification.</p>
+ <hr class="short" />
+
+ <p>The Minister of Foreign Affairs in the late Bavarian Soviet
+ Government has been placed in a lunatic asylum. The reason for
+ this invidious distinction is not assigned.</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h3>Mr. CHURCHILL on the Hull Election:</h3>
+
+ <blockquote>
+ <p>"Nothing in these reactions should be taken by the
+ Government as in any way deflecting them from their clear
+ and definite course of reviving the posterity of this
+ country."—<i>Daily Telegraph</i>.</p>
+ </blockquote>
+
+ <p>All very well, but they must get it born first.</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:100%;">
+ <a href="images/313.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/313.png"
+ alt="" /></a>
+ </div>
+
+ <table summary="Cow"
+ align="center"
+ width="100%">
+ <tbody>
+ <tr>
+ <td width="50%"
+ align="center"
+ valign="top"><i>Old-fashioned humorous Cow</i>
+ (<i>suddenly</i>). "Moo!"</td>
+
+ <td width="50%"
+ align="center"
+ valign="top"><i>Lady</i> (<i>who all last year
+ was a land-worker</i>). "Pooh!"</td>
+ </tr>
+ </tbody>
+ </table>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page314"
+ id="page314"></a>[pg 314]</span>
+
+ <h2>"MUTABILE SEMPER."</h2>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p class="i2">To such as have a humorous bent</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">Pleasant indeed it was to cull</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">From rival organs what was meant</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">By the enlightened vote of Hull;</p>
+
+ <p>What process of the mind (if any) drove her</p>
+
+ <p>To execute that ludicrous turn-over.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p class="i2">Some held the Peace was too severe,</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">And others not severe enough;</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">The latter cried, "The cause is
+ clear—</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">LLOYD GEORGE is made of flabby
+ stuff;"</p>
+
+ <p>The former took the line that he had blundered</p>
+
+ <p>In letting Fritz (their friend) be grossly
+ "plundered."</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p class="i2">Then came a still small voice which
+ said,</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">"The thing that sent the coupon West</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Was Woman; something in her head</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">Told her that second thoughts were
+ best;</p>
+
+ <p>To Party laws she hasn't learnt to knuckle</p>
+
+ <p>(This was the view advanced by Mr. BUCKLE).</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p class="i2">"Men know a 'pledge's' worth by now;</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">They take it with a touch of salt;</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">To Woman 'tis a sacred vow,</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">And for the least alleged default</p>
+
+ <p>She gives her Chosen One no minute's grace,</p>
+
+ <p>But treats it like a breach-of-promise case."</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p class="i2">O "Ministering Angels," ye</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">Who yet are mobile as the breeze,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Have you alone the right to be</p>
+
+ <p class="i4">"Uncertain, coy and hard to please?"</p>
+
+ <p>Our Ministerial Angels (GEORGE and kind)—</p>
+
+ <p>Aren't they allowed, poor males, to change their
+ mind?</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>O.S.</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>THE SPOIL-SPORT.</h2>
+
+ <p>Mr. Phillybag was demobilised. The Day had come. For months
+ he had dreamed of the possibility—had imagined the joy
+ and alacrity with which he would doff his cap, tunic and
+ trousers, service dress, one each, and resume the decent
+ broadcloth of a successful City solicitor. Strangely enough,
+ however, once he was actually demobilised he found himself in
+ no hurry to lose the garb which showed that he, Mr. Phillybag,
+ had helped, you know, to put the kybosh on the KAISER. He was
+ proud too of the corporal's stripes which he had gained in a
+ very short Army career.</p>
+
+ <p>That explains why he was in uniform this morning in his
+ office, when he opened a letter from Ernest Williams, his
+ former junior clerk. He remembered Williams well—how in
+ the early days of the War that youth had seen Lord KITCHENER
+ point his finger from the hoardings at him, and there and then,
+ discovering that the Ordnance Department possessed a cap, size
+ 6-7/8, which fitted him, had followed instructions and
+ immediately commenced to wear it. Now he had written to Mr.
+ Phillybag to inform him that, as he expected to be demobilised
+ shortly, he was calling at eleven o'clock to discuss the
+ question of re-entering his employ.</p>
+
+ <p>Mr. Phillybag rubbed his hands together in satisfaction. He
+ was looking forward to the interview. Since Armistice Day he
+ had read every article he could find written on the subject of
+ demobilisation and its humours; consequently he knew exactly
+ what he was expected to do. When Williams entered, in all the
+ glory of a Captain's stars, perhaps even a Major's crown, the
+ ribbon of the D.S.O. or the M.C., or both, on his breast, he,
+ Corporal Phillybag, would spring smartly to attention, salute
+ and address his junior clerk as "Sir."</p>
+
+ <p>He chuckled with delight as he visualised the piquant scene.
+ Reseating himself, he would briskly resume his interrupted work
+ for a moment while be kept his superior officer waiting.
+ Then—</p>
+
+ <p>"Mr. Williams to see you, Sir," said one of his clerks.</p>
+
+ <p>"Show him in at once."</p>
+
+ <p>On his appearance Mr. Phillybag suffered a slight recoil,
+ but recovered himself quickly and exchanged embarrassed
+ greetings. An awkward pause followed. At length Mr. Phillybag
+ broke it.</p>
+
+ <p>"Williams," he said severely, "I'm surprised at you. Who
+ ever heard of an employee returning to civil life from the Army
+ with a lower rank than the one his employer holds? Four years
+ in khaki and only a lance-corporal! You've spoiled my whole
+ morning. It's men with careers like yours who make the
+ profession of humorous journalism so precarious."</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>A SOUVENIR OF COLOGNE.</h2>
+
+ <p>"Am I really awake, or is it all a beautiful dream?" I said,
+ pinching myself to make sure.</p>
+
+ <p>At the other end of the room an unmistakably German band was
+ playing "Roses of Picardy," while all around me German waiters
+ were running about deferentially, with trays in their hands.
+ Even as I wondered one of them approached and laid the bill on
+ my table with a friendly smile and "Tree mark, bleesir."</p>
+
+ <p>Then I remembered that I was at the British Officers' Club
+ in Cologne.</p>
+
+ <p>"How interested they will be at home," I thought, "when they
+ know where I am. And of course I must send them souvenirs of my
+ Watch on the Rhine;" and thoughtfully I produced from my pocket
+ some local tram-tickets, kept for the younger members of the
+ family, and patted a box of two-penny cigars encouragingly.
+ These I was going to send to my brother.</p>
+
+ <p>Then I rose and, paying the bill, went out to purchase a
+ suitable memento for a younger sister. Slowly I wandered along
+ the crowded Hohestrasse in the direction of the Opera House,
+ peering into the shop-windows for something redolent of the
+ land I was in. Presently a bright-looking sweetshop attracted
+ me. The window contained a beautiful selection of
+ chocolate-boxes, with pictures of the Cathedral or the Rhine
+ Maidens on the lids. In I went and selected a handsome sample,
+ bound with red plush and bordered with sea-shells. But it was
+ empty. "Nix sweets," said the girl behind the counter, and
+ offered me the alternative of a bun. Nothing doing, and I
+ passed on.</p>
+
+ <p>Further along the street I stopped before a chemist's shop
+ to regard a huge pyramid of bottles of eau-de-Cologne displayed
+ in the window.</p>
+
+ <p>"The very thing," I said to myself. "What more appropriate
+ souvenir than a bottle of the local produce?"</p>
+
+ <p>That was ten days ago, and this morning I received the
+ following letter:—.</p>
+
+ <p>"Thank you <i>so</i> much for the scent; it was sweet of
+ you, and arrived safely, only I don't think it <i>quite</i> so
+ nice as the <i>real</i> eau-de-Cologne which I buy at Brown's
+ shop [Brown is the village grocer] for three-and-nine a bottle.
+ And he says they must have taken you in properly with a German
+ imitation called eau-de-<i>Köln</i>, and expects you had
+ to pay a pretty penny for it, though I hope you didn't, poor
+ boy."</p>
+
+ <p>Reader, I ask you.</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <blockquote>
+ <p>"INFLUENZA EPIDEMIC—PUBLIC MEETING.</p>
+
+ <p>"In order to comply with the regulations of the Board of
+ Health, each person attending the meeting must occupy 25
+ sq. feet space."—<i>Australian Paper</i>.</p>
+ </blockquote>
+
+ <p>"Let me have men about me that are fat."—<i>Julius
+ Cæsar</i>.</p>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page315"
+ id="page315"></a>[pg 315]</span>
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:100%;">
+ <a href="images/315.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/315.png"
+ alt="" /></a>
+
+ <h3>THE CHEERFUL PACHYDERM.</h3>ELEPHANT (<i>faintly
+ intrigued</i>). "WHO'S THAT TICKLING ME?"
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page316"
+ id="page316"></a>[pg 316]</span>
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:100%;">
+ <a href="images/316.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/316.png"
+ alt="" /></a>
+
+ <h3>PEACE PREPARATIONS.</h3>
+
+ <p><i>Music-hall Artist</i> (<i>to partner</i>). "I RECKON
+ WE OUGHT TO INTRODUCE SOME NEW FEATURE INTO THE TURN, WITH
+ PEACE COMIN'."</p>
+
+ <p><i>Partner</i>. "AH, I'VE BEEN THINKING OF IT TOO. WHAT
+ ABAHT PINK FACINGS FOR OUR EVENING DRESS?"</p>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>THE BLUE HAT.</h2>
+
+ <p>Nancy came softly into my study and stood at the side of the
+ desk, where I was busy with some work on account of which I had
+ stayed away from the office that morning.</p>
+
+ <p>"Do you like it?" she said.</p>
+
+ <p>I felt a momentary anxiety as I looked up. I had made a bad
+ mistake only a little time before, having waxed enthusiastic
+ over what I took to be a new blouse when it was a question of
+ hair-dressing, the blouse having been worn by my wife, so she
+ solemnly averred, "every evening for the last two months."</p>
+
+ <p>But this time no mistake was possible. You don't go about
+ the house at eleven o'clock on a cold Spring morning fancifully
+ arrayed in a pale blue hat with white feathery things sticking
+ out all round it, unless there is a particular reason for so
+ doing.</p>
+
+ <p>"I think it's a delightful hat," I said, "and suits you
+ splendidly. But I thought you never wore blue?"</p>
+
+ <p>"I don't," said Nancy; "that's what makes me rather
+ doubtful. I didn't really mean to buy it at all. I went in to
+ Marguerite's—you know, that heavenly shop at the corner
+ of the square"—I nodded; of course I knew
+ Marguerite's—"to ask the price of a jade-green jumper
+ they had in the window—oh, my dear, a perfect angel of a
+ jumper!—and they showed me this. That red-haired
+ assistant almost <i>made</i> me buy it; said she had never seen
+ me in a hat that suited me so well; and really it wasn't so
+ very dear. But I <i>was</i> a little doubtful.
+ However—"</p>
+
+ <p>"She was quite right," I said very decidedly. "Did you get
+ the what-you-may-call-it—the other thing?"</p>
+
+ <p>Nancy's face expressed poignant anguish.</p>
+
+ <p>"Twelve guineas," she said. "I simply couldn't run to it. Of
+ course I was heart-broken. Still, it wasn't as if I really
+ needed anything just now. It would have been ridiculous
+ extravagance. But it really was an angel."</p>
+
+ <p>She turned to go, stopping a moment on the way out to have
+ another look at herself in the little round mirror over the
+ mantel-piece.</p>
+
+ <p>"I'm not quite happy about it," I heard her murmur as she
+ went out.</p>
+
+ <p>The next morning I found a letter waiting for me at the
+ office which brought me news of a totally unexpected windfall
+ of some fifty odd pounds. It was a sunny morning, too, with a
+ distinct feeling of Spring in the air.</p>
+
+ <p>I felt like being extravagant, and my mind flew at once to
+ Nancy and her jade-green—what was the name of the
+ thing?—that she had wanted so badly.</p>
+
+ <p>I left the office early, and on my way home managed to
+ summon up sufficient courage to carry me through the discreetly
+ curtained doors of Madame Marguerite's <i>recherché</i>
+ establishment, devoutly hoping that the nervous sinking which I
+ felt about my heart was not reflected in my outer
+ demeanour.</p>
+
+ <p>The red-haired girl, in spite of a curiously detached and
+ supercilious air, as who should say, "Take it or leave it; it
+ concerns me not in the least," which at first rather alarmed
+ me, was really quite kind and helpful.</p>
+
+ <p>"Something in jade-green that Moddom admired? A hat
+ perhaps?"</p>
+
+ <p>No, I knew it was not a hat. I murmured something about
+ twelve guineas. This seemed to be enlightening.</p>
+
+ <p>Ah, yes, a jumper probably. They had had a jade-green jumper
+ at that price, she believed. If I would sit down for a moment
+ she would send someone to see if it were still
+ unsold.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page317"
+ id="page317"></a>[pg 317]</span>
+
+ <p>I felt very anxious while I waited, but the emissary
+ presently returned with the garment over her arm.</p>
+
+ <p>Yes, that was undoubtedly the one. She remembered how much
+ Moddom had admired it. It had suited Moddom so well too.</p>
+
+ <p>While it was being packed up, for I decided to take it with
+ me, a small boy arrived with several hat-boxes, which he put
+ down on the floor.</p>
+
+ <p>Red-hair proceeded to unpack them, carefully, almost
+ reverently, extracting the hats from the folds of surrounding
+ tissue-paper and placing them one by one in various cupboards
+ and drawers. Presently she drew forth from one of the
+ boxes—I felt sure I was not mistaken—that very blue
+ hat which I had admired only the day before upon the head of my
+ wife.</p>
+
+ <p>I gave an involuntary exclamation. Red-hair looked at
+ me.</p>
+
+ <p>"Surely," I said, feeling inwardly rather proud at
+ recognising it again—"surely that hat is exactly like one
+ that my wife bought yesterday."</p>
+
+ <p>Red-hair was hurt. "It is the same hat," she said coldly.
+ "We never make two models alike."</p>
+
+ <p>I tried to mollify her. "I can't understand her sending it
+ back," I said. "I think it's an extremely pretty hat, and it
+ suits her so well. But perhaps there was some alteration
+ necessary. It may not have quite fitted or something?"</p>
+
+ <p>Red-head dived gracefully into the box and drew forth a note
+ from the tissue-paper billows.</p>
+
+ <p>A faint flicker expressive of I knew not what hidden emotion
+ seemed to pass for one moment over her aristocratic features as
+ she read it. But it vanished instantaneously, and she turned to
+ me with her previous air of haughty and imperturbable
+ aloofness.</p>
+
+ <p>"Moddom is not keeping the hat," she said.</p>
+
+ <p>I felt somehow a little snubbed, and said no more, and, my
+ parcel appearing at this moment, I paid and departed.</p>
+
+ <p>Nancy's joy over the jumper more than came up to my
+ expectations. When she had calmed down a little I bethought
+ myself of the matter of the hat.</p>
+
+ <p>"Oh, yes," said Nancy in reply to my question, "I sent it
+ back after all. It won't matter in the least now that you have
+ bought this."</p>
+
+ <p>"But why didn't you keep it?" I said.</p>
+
+ <p>"Well, I really felt I didn't like it so very much," said
+ Nancy, "and, as you didn't seem quite to like it
+ either—"</p>
+
+ <p>"My dear girl," I protested, "I told you I thought it was
+ charming."</p>
+
+ <p>"Well, anyway you said that blue didn't suit me," persisted
+ my wife. "You <i>did</i>, George."</p>
+
+ <p>There was a moment's pause. It was no use saying anything.
+ Suddenly Nancy jumped up and clutched me by the arm.</p>
+
+ <p>"George," she said anxiously, "you didn't, you didn't say
+ anything about that hat to the girl in the shop, did you?"</p>
+
+ <p>"I believe I mentioned that I thought it was extremely
+ pretty, and that I was sorry you weren't keeping it," I replied
+ airily. "But why?" For my wife's face had suddenly assumed an
+ expression of horrified dismay.</p>
+
+ <p>"I shall never be able to go into that shop again," she
+ wailed, "never. I wrote them a note saying that I was not
+ keeping the hat because <i>my husband very much disliked
+ it</i>, and that I didn't care ever to wear anything of which
+ he didn't approve."</p>
+
+ <p>What is really very unfair about the whole thing is that I
+ know that Nancy thinks me entirely to blame. Indeed she told me
+ so. When I ventured to point out that she had not been quite
+ truthful in the matter she was at first genuinely and honestly
+ amazed, and subsequently so indignant that I was fain
+ ultimately to apologise.</p>
+
+ <p>In looking back upon the episode I am filled with admiration
+ for the red-haired girl. I consider that she showed
+ extraordinary self-restraint in what must have been a
+ peculiarly tempting situation.</p>
+
+ <p>R.F.</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:65%;">
+ <a href="images/317.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/317.png"
+ alt="" /></a>
+
+ <p><i>Raw Hand</i> (<i>at sea for first time and observing
+ steamer's red and green lights</i>). "'ERE'S SOME LIGHTS ON
+ THE STARBOARD SIDE, SIR."</p>
+
+ <p><i>Officer</i>. "WELL, WHAT IS IT?"</p>
+
+ <p><i>R.H</i>. "LOOKS TO ME LIKE A CHEMIST'S SHOP,
+ SIR."</p>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page318"
+ id="page318"></a>[pg 318]</span>
+
+ <h2>SMALL-TALK.</h2>
+
+ <p>"Of course you must come," said Mary; "it's nonsense to say
+ you can't dance."</p>
+
+ <p>Mary is married to my first cousin, Thomas. I looked at
+ Thomas, but saw no hope of support. Thomas labours under the
+ delusion that he can jazz.</p>
+
+ <p>"It isn't only the dancing," I protested; "it's the
+ conversational strain. Besides, as one of the original founders
+ of the League to Minimise Gossip amongst General Staff
+ Officers—"</p>
+
+ <p>"Rot!" said Thomas; "you simply let your partners do the
+ talking. You needn't even listen. Just say 'Quite' in your most
+ official tone whenever you hear them saying nothing."</p>
+
+ <p>Thomas, although my first cousin, is not bright; but I had
+ to go.</p>
+
+ <p>For the first few dances I escaped; the crowd round the door
+ was so dense that I saw at once that I should be trampled to
+ death if I attempted to enter. Then I was caught by Mary and
+ introduced to a total stranger.</p>
+
+ <p>I suppose there are people who do not mind kicking a total
+ stranger round the room to the strain of cymbals, a motor siren
+ and a frying-pan. I fancy the lady expressed a desire to stop,
+ but as her words were lost in the orchestral pandemonium I
+ realised that as long as the dulcet chords continued
+ conversation was impossible; so we danced on.</p>
+
+ <p>Fortunately too, when the interval came, she was full of
+ small-talk.</p>
+
+ <p>"Isn't the floor good? And I always like this band."</p>
+
+ <p>"Quite," said I.</p>
+
+ <p>"Rather sporting of the Smythe-Joneses to give a dance."</p>
+
+ <p>"Quite," said I.</p>
+
+ <p>"Especially when their eldest boy, the one, you know, who
+ was so frightfully good at golf or something, has just got into
+ a mess with—"</p>
+
+ <p>"Quite," said I, while she plunged into a flood of
+ reminiscences. She did not ask whether I could jazz, mainly, I
+ think, because I had already danced with her. I concentrated my
+ thoughts on the best means of avoiding Mary when the music
+ began again, and just threw in an occasional "Quite" to keep
+ the lady in a good temper.</p>
+
+ <p>But there was no escaping Mary.</p>
+
+ <p>"You <i>must</i> go and dance with Miss Carter," she told
+ me, adducing incontrovertible arguments. I am terrified of Miss
+ Carter, who can only be described as "statuesque" and always
+ does the right thing (which makes her crushing to the verge of
+ discourtesy). I am always being asked if I know whether she is
+ "only twenty-two." It was not without satisfaction that I
+ initiated her into my style of dancing.</p>
+
+ <p>To my horror, when we stopped she sat in silence, regarding
+ me with an air of expectant boredom. I racked my brains.</p>
+
+ <p>"Good floor, isn't it?" said I.</p>
+
+ <p>"Quite," said Miss Carter.</p>
+
+ <p>"Jolly good band too."</p>
+
+ <p>"Quite," said Miss Carter.</p>
+
+ <p>"And rather sporting of the Smythe-Joneses, don't you
+ think?"</p>
+
+ <p>She said it again. By this time I felt convinced that all
+ the other couples within hearing were listening to us. Miss
+ Carter is that sort of person.</p>
+
+ <p>"Of course," I said with a nervous laugh, "it's rather
+ absurd for me to say anything about it, because, you know,
+ dancing isn't much in my line."</p>
+
+ <p>"Quite," said Miss Carter.</p>
+
+ <p>That settled it; I felt I must stop her at all costs. I
+ cleared my throat and spoke as distinctly as I could.</p>
+
+ <p>"I'm always being asked a conundrum, Miss Carter, and you're
+ the one person who can tell me the true answer. Am I permitted
+ to ask it?"</p>
+
+ <p>"Quite," said Miss Carter, for the first time almost
+ smiling. I plucked up courage.</p>
+
+ <p>"It's this: how old are you?"</p>
+
+ <p>She stopped herself just in time. Her answer was given in a
+ tone which expressed at the same time her contempt for my
+ breach of the conventions and the fact that she was too
+ indifferent to think me worth snubbing.</p>
+
+ <p>"Twenty-two," said she.</p>
+
+ <p>"Quite," said I.</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:50%;">
+ <a href="images/318.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/318.png"
+ alt="" /></a>
+
+ <p>"HOW WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR HAIR DONE, MADAM?"</p>
+
+ <p>"WELL, I WANT TO GET IT DEBOBBED AS SOON AS
+ POSSIBLE."</p>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>THE CAREER (POSTPONED).</h2>
+
+ <p>MY DEAR JAMES,—A few weeks ago I wrote to tell you
+ that ere long the military machine would be able to spare one
+ of its cogs—myself. I discussed possible careers in civil
+ life, and since then I had almost decided on "filbert-grower."
+ Had things gone well, by the beginning of June you should have
+ received a first instalment of forced filberts.</p>
+
+ <p>Now this cannot be. The cog is shown to be indispensable. I
+ must remain a soldier.</p>
+
+ <p>Why do they want me, James? I am nothing like a soldier. I
+ cannot click my heels as other men do. I try, Heaven knows how
+ I try, but all the C.O. hears is a sound as of two cabbages
+ being slapped together. And my word of command! The critics say
+ it is like a cry for help in a London fog.</p>
+
+ <p>My haversack contains no trace of any Field-Marshal's baton.
+ You are aware that every private soldier's haversack is issued
+ complete with "Batons, one, Field-Marshal (potential), for the
+ use of." But there is no authority for such an issue for
+ commissioned ranks.</p>
+
+ <p>Is it because of my manner with men and my powers as a
+ disciplinarian? I fear not. If a man is brought before me for
+ summary jurisdiction a lump rises in my throat and I want to
+ cry. I am always sure he didn't mean to do it. As for military
+ law, I am shaky on the fines for drunkenness, and I don't feel
+ at all sure whether death at dawn or two extra fatigues is the
+ maximum punishment for having one string of the hold-all longer
+ than the other when on active service.</p>
+
+ <p>When I kicked the bell-push towards the end of last
+ guest-night the Adjutant said he should mark me down for the
+ job of Physical Training Officer; but I hope he was only
+ joking. I am not <span class="pagenum"><a name="page319"
+ id="page319"></a>[pg 319]</span> built for the work. My
+ frame is puny and my countenance irresolute. I hate bending
+ and stretching my arms; they creak and frighten me. I never
+ could squat on my heels like a thingummy.</p>
+
+ <p>I might, if allowed, make a hit as Messing Officer. With the
+ aid of my Cookery Course notes I can differentiate between no
+ fewer than thirty-four different types of rissole.
+ Unfortunately we already have a Messing Officer of deadly
+ efficiency. He can classify dripping by instinct. He can
+ memorise at sight all the revolting contents of a swill-tub. My
+ rissole lore is a poor asset in comparison.</p>
+
+ <p>No, James, I think I have it. One day you will read that our
+ Armies of Occupation consist of so many hundred thousands of
+ all ranks, including, perhaps, 35,001 officers. That is why
+ they retain me. I shall be the "1" at the end of the thousands.
+ It is your humble servant's function to keep the Armies of
+ Occupation up to strength.</p>
+
+ <p>Are we to be robbed of the fruits of victory? The reply is
+ in the negative. Therefore, when next June comes along and you
+ yearn for the early filberts, do not be fretty. Remember that I
+ am gathering in fruits of another and a nobler kind. Yours
+ ever,</p>
+
+ <p>WILLIAM.</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:100%;">
+ <a href="images/319.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/319.png"
+ alt="" /></a>"SORRY, MUM, BUT I'M AFRAID YOU'LL 'AVE
+ TER STAY UPSTAIRS 'COS THE AFFILIATED SOCIETY OF
+ PIANNER-SHIFTERS 'AS CALLED A GENERAL STRIKE THIS
+ MINNIT."
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>NEW BREAD FOR OLD.</h2>
+
+ <blockquote class="note">
+ <p>["New Bread Again"—"Loaves of Any
+ Shape."—<i>Headlines from a Daily Paper</i>.]</p>
+ </blockquote>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>As I walked forth in Baker Street</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">As sober as a Quaker,</p>
+
+ <p>Whom did I have the luck to meet?</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">I met a jolly Baker.</p>
+
+ <p>His voice was gay, his eye was bright,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">His step was light and airy,</p>
+
+ <p>His face and arms were powdered white—</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">I think he was a fairy;</p>
+
+ <p>He danced beneath the April moon,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">And as he danced he trolled</p>
+
+ <p>Wild snatches of an ancient rune,</p>
+
+ <p>Yet all the burden of his tune</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Was "New—Bread—for Old!"</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>Quoth I: "Whence got you, lad, a heart</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">So glad that you must show it?"</p>
+
+ <p>Quoth he: "The Baker hath his art</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">No less, Sir, than the Poet;</p>
+
+ <p>I tell ye, I'm so blithe to-night</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">I'd paint the old Moon's orb red!</p>
+
+ <p>Oh, think ye that I took delight</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">For years in baking war-bread?</p>
+
+ <p>One shape, one colour and one size,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">By Government controlled?</p>
+
+ <p>But now all this to limbo flies;</p>
+
+ <p>What wonder that to-night I cries</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">'New—Bread—for Old?'</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>"Good Sir, the Baker hath a soul</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">And loves to make bread
+ pleasant—</p>
+
+ <p>The Twist, the long Vienna Roll,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">The Horseshoe and the Crescent,</p>
+
+ <p>The Milk, the Tin, the lovely loaf</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Where currants one discovers,</p>
+
+ <p>The Wholemeal for the country oaf,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">The Knot for all true lovers.</p>
+
+ <p>So, till upon the glowing East</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">The sun in red and gold</p>
+
+ <p>Comes forth to bake the daily feast,</p>
+
+ <p>I'll cry with heart as light as yeast,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">'New—Bread—for Old!'"</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h3>The Modern Icarus.</h3>
+
+ <blockquote>
+ <p>"After an hour's flight over the frozen Conception Bay
+ and the town of St. John's, Mr. Hawker made a perfect
+ landing. He appeared more than over confident of
+ success."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p>
+ </blockquote>
+
+ <blockquote>
+ <p>"General admiration and sympathy is extended to Mr.
+ Tawker due to his frankness regarding his progress towards
+ making the trans-ocean flight."—<i>Sunday
+ Paper</i>.</p>
+ </blockquote>
+
+ <p>We trust our contemporaries are not in a conspiracy to
+ represent the gallant aviator as a hot-air man.</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <blockquote>
+ <p>"Presently, when aviation becomes a commonplace, the
+ fares will come down."—<i>Daily Dispatch</i>.</p>
+ </blockquote>
+
+ <p>That's just what makes us so nervous.</p>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page320"
+ id="page320"></a>[pg 320]</span>
+
+ <h2>PEACE TERMS.</h2>
+
+ <h3>BEING SOME LETTERS OF MRS. PARTINGTON TO HER SISTER.</h3>
+
+ <blockquote class="note">
+ <p>[Conferences between mistresses and servants are being
+ held in various parts of the country to discuss terms of
+ peace in the domestic world.]</p>
+ </blockquote>
+
+ <p><i>Puddleford</i>.</p>
+
+ <p>DEAR MOIRA,—We haven't got a servant yet, but we are
+ clutching at a new hope. There is to be a conference here
+ between mistresses and maids, to discuss and readjust the
+ servants' rights and the mistresses' wrongs—or is it the
+ other way about? Anyhow, I shall attend that conference. I
+ shall bribe, plead, consent to any arrangement if I can but net
+ a cook-general. Ten months of doing my own washing-up has
+ brought me to my knees, while Harry says the performance of
+ menial duties has crushed his spirit.</p>
+
+ <p>Of course, Harry does make such a fuss of things. You might
+ think, to hear him talk, that the getting up of coal, lighting
+ fires, chopping wood and cleaning flues was the entire work of
+ a household, instead of being mere incidents in the daily
+ routine. If he had to tackle <i>my</i> duties—but men
+ never seem to understand how much there is to do in a
+ house.</p>
+
+ <p>I will tell you about the conference when I write again.</p>
+
+ <p>Yours always, DODO.</p>
+
+ <p><i>Puddleford</i>.</p>
+
+ <p>DEAR MOIRA,—The conference was a most interesting
+ affair; the one going on in Paris could never be half so
+ thrilling. There was a goodly attendance of servants, and they
+ had their own spokeswoman. We spoke for ourselves—those
+ of us who were not too dazed at the sight of so many
+ "treasures" almost within our grasp.</p>
+
+ <p>What the servants wanted was not unreasonable. They chiefly
+ demanded a certain time to themselves during the day, with
+ fixed hours for meals, evening free, etc.</p>
+
+ <p>Then Mrs. Boydon-Spoute got up—you know how that woman
+ loves to hear herself talk—and said that such demands
+ were outrageous. (It's easy for her to raise objections. She
+ has somehow paralysed her two servants into staying with her
+ for over ten years.) She pointed out that under such conditions
+ the servant would have more freedom than the mistress; and to
+ allow the working classes to thus get the upper hand was
+ nothing short of encouraging Bolshevism in the home. Dreadful
+ thing to say, wasn't it?</p>
+
+ <p>The servants got rather restive at that. When I thought of
+ the two days' washing-up waiting for me at home I retorted with
+ spirit that servants had as much right to freedom as we, and it
+ was our duty to guard their interests—and lots of
+ inspired things like that, glaring at Mrs. Boydon-Spoute the
+ while.</p>
+
+ <p>I spoke so well that a cook-general offered herself to me as
+ soon as the conference was over. She comes in on Monday.</p>
+
+ <p>Yours in transports, DODO.</p>
+
+ <p><i>Puddleford</i>.</p>
+
+ <p>DEAR MOIRA,—Emma, the new maid, has arrived. Harry is
+ as relieved as I am and was quite cheerful while I was dressing
+ the gash he had inflicted on his hand while chopping wood.
+ Isn't it strange that men can never give the slightest
+ assistance in the house without getting themselves hurt in some
+ way?</p>
+
+ <p>Emma promises to be a treasure. If mistresses would only
+ show a little humanity there never would be any servant trouble
+ at all. It is people like Mrs. Boydon-Spoute who are
+ responsible for it.</p>
+
+ <p>Yours, purring content, DODO.</p>
+
+ <p><i>Puddleford.</i></p>
+
+ <p>DEAR MOIRA,—I am sorry not to have written for such a
+ long time. I have been so extremely busy.</p>
+
+ <p>You see, when Emma has had her two hours free daily, her
+ hour-and-a-half off for dinner, with half-an-hour for other
+ meals, every evening out as well as two afternoons a week, you
+ would be surprised what little leisure is left to her for the
+ housework.</p>
+
+ <p>She gets in what she can, of course, and I do the rest.
+ Doing the rest, by the way, takes up a great deal of my time.
+ But I generally have an hour free in the evenings.</p>
+
+ <p>Your brave DODO.</p>
+
+ <p><i>Puddleford</i>.</p>
+
+ <p>DEAR MOIRA,—I am glad to say Emma has gone and I am
+ putting my name down at a registry-office in the usual way.
+ It's too much of a strain having "conference" girls in the
+ home.</p>
+
+ <p>Who was it said that if we are to allow the working classes
+ to get the upper hand it was nothing short of encouraging
+ Bolshevism in the home? Anyhow, I think he—or perhaps it
+ was she—must be right.</p>
+
+ <p>I must close rather hastily. I have just heard a terrific
+ crash in the kitchen; I'm afraid Harry has dropped something on
+ his foot <i>again</i>.</p>
+
+ <p>Your long-suffering DODO.</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <blockquote>
+ <p>"Mr. ——, like a fatherly hen, hovered over
+ all, satisfying himself that nothing had been omitted that
+ could detract from their comfort."—<i>Egyptian
+ Mail.</i></p>
+ </blockquote>
+
+ <p>We cannot imagine any hen, however unsexed, behaving like
+ that.</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>RHYMES OF RANK.</h2>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>Vice-Admirals command a base;</p>
+
+ <p>Their forms blend dignity with grace.</p>
+
+ <p>You never see the smallest trace</p>
+
+ <p>Of levity upon the face</p>
+
+ <p>Of one who wears a Vice's lace.</p>
+
+ <p>For Admirals to romp and race</p>
+
+ <p>Or frolic in a public place</p>
+
+ <p>Is held to be a great disgrace;</p>
+
+ <p>I do not think a single case</p>
+
+ <p>Of this has happened at our base.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>The Commodore, the Commodore</p>
+
+ <p>Is very popular ashore;</p>
+
+ <p>He can relate an endless store</p>
+
+ <p>Of yarns which scarcely ever bore</p>
+
+ <p>Till they are told three times or more.</p>
+
+ <p>The ladies young and old adore</p>
+
+ <p>This man who bathed in Teuton gore</p>
+
+ <p>And practically won the War;</p>
+
+ <p>But once, a fact I much deplore,</p>
+
+ <p>A General was heard to snore</p>
+
+ <p>While seated near the Commodore.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>The Captain dwells aloof, alone;</p>
+
+ <p>He has a cabin of his own;</p>
+
+ <p>And should the smallest nose be blown,</p>
+
+ <p>Though softly and with dulcet tone,</p>
+
+ <p>In earshot of this sacred zone</p>
+
+ <p>The very ship herself would groan.</p>
+
+ <p>Yes, Captains (though but flesh and bone</p>
+
+ <p>Like little snotties, be it known)</p>
+
+ <p>Are best severely left alone.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>Commanders are a stern-eyed folk</p>
+
+ <p>Who may or may not take a joke;</p>
+
+ <p>It really isn't safe to poke</p>
+
+ <p>Light fun at any three-ringed bloke;</p>
+
+ <p>You may be sorry that you spoke.</p>
+
+ <p>Their ways are proud; they sport the oak;</p>
+
+ <p>They are not tame enough to stroke;</p>
+
+ <p>I greatly dread these grim-eyed folk.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>Lieutenants of the R.N.V.</p>
+
+ <p>Were born and bred on land, not sea,</p>
+
+ <p>And ancient mariners like me</p>
+
+ <p>With sly grimace and winks of glee</p>
+
+ <p>Would watch them when the winds blew free,</p>
+
+ <p>Or send them down a cup of tea.</p>
+
+ <p>But soon their deeds became their plea</p>
+
+ <p>For standing with the Big Navee</p>
+
+ <p>In equal fame and dignity:</p>
+
+ <p>While even Subs. R.N. agree</p>
+
+ <p>They're better than they used to be,</p>
+
+ <p>These Looties of the R.N.V.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>Sub-Loots are nothing if not sports;</p>
+
+ <p>The nicest girls in all the ports</p>
+
+ <p>Declare they are the best of sorts</p>
+
+ <p>And useful on the tennis-courts.</p>
+
+ <p>In gun-rooms, where their rank resorts,</p>
+
+ <p>They bandy quips and shrewd retorts,</p>
+
+ <p>And swig champagne, not pints but quarts.</p>
+
+ <p>I said at first that they were sports.</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page321"
+ id="page321"></a>[pg 321]</span>
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:100%;">
+ <a href="images/321.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/321.png"
+ alt="" /></a>
+
+ <p><i>Headmaster</i> (<i>interviewing new boy</i>). "AT
+ WHAT SCHOOL WERE YOU LAST, MY BOY?"</p>
+
+ <p><i>New Boy</i>. "P-P-PLEASE, SIR, AT A ST-T-T-TAMMERING
+ T-TUTOR'S"; (<i>feels he is not making the best of
+ himself</i>) "B-BUT THEY T-TAUGHT OTHER THINGS BESIDES
+ ST-T-T-TAMMERING."</p>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>WITH THE RED GUARDS.</h2>
+
+ <blockquote class="note">
+ <p>A good deal of curiosity exists regarding the management
+ of the Bolshevik army, in which it is stated that
+ discipline does not exist. A copy of Battalion Orders may
+ therefore be of interest:</p>
+ </blockquote>
+
+ <h3><i>BATTALION ORDERS</i></h3>
+
+ <h4>BY MAJOR TROTOFF</h4>
+
+ <h4>(Commanding the 22nd Battalion the Red Guards).</h4>
+
+ <p>(1) DETAIL.</p>
+
+ <p>Disorderly Officer—LOOT VODKAWITCH.</p>
+
+ <p>Next for duty (if so disposed): LOOT PUTAWAYSKY.</p>
+
+ <p>(2) PARADES.</p>
+
+ <p>The Battalion (or such of it as has no other engagement)
+ will parade as strong as possible on the Peter-and-Paulsky
+ Prospekt, at 10.30 A.M. for 9.30 A.M.</p>
+
+ <p>DRESS.</p>
+
+ <p>Barging order, with rifles, razors, knives, pokers and
+ horsewhips.</p>
+
+ <p>The following scheme will be carried out:—</p>
+
+ <p><i>General Idea</i>.—A few families of the Bourgeois
+ class have taken up a position in certain cellars in West End
+ of City. Patrols report that they still possess a few
+ valuables.</p>
+
+ <p><i>Special Idea</i>.—The O.C. invites the Battalion to
+ occupy district and help itself.</p>
+
+ <p>(3) COMMAND.</p>
+
+ <p>The Second in Command of this unit regrets to announce that
+ he found it necessary to sentence his Commanding Officer to
+ forty-two days No. 1 F.P. for attempting to maintain
+ discipline; the Second in Command therefore assumes command of
+ this unit in the absence of the C.O. now serving sentence.</p>
+
+ <p>(4) COURSE.</p>
+
+ <p>Would a few officers mind being detailed for the
+ hundred-and-twenty-first course in the use of Private House
+ Grenades, 13th of this month?</p>
+
+ <p>(5) BOOTS, BOLSHEVISTS FOR THE USE OF, ISSUE OF.</p>
+
+ <p>The Quartermaster would be greatly obliged if private
+ gentlemen of the Battalion requiring boots would favour him
+ with a visit at any time during the day or night.</p>
+
+ <p>If not inconvenient to them it would be a kindness if they
+ let him know what they take.</p>
+
+ <h4>NOTICE.</h4>
+
+ <p>The Officer at present in command of the Battalion has
+ pleasure in announcing that the private residence of the
+ Commanding Officer, which contains a large number of objects of
+ great beauty and value, is through its owner's unavoidable
+ absence at present unguarded.</p>
+
+ <p>In these circumstances the O.C. is pleased to grant an
+ extension to all ranks until twelve midnight.</p>
+
+ <p>P. PIPSKY,</p>
+
+ <p><i>Captain and Agitant</i>.</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h3>A Super-Mormon.</h3>
+
+ <blockquote>
+ <p>"A Nelson soldier in a letter states that General
+ —— informed his unit that he had 2,000 wives to
+ ship out to New Zealand, and another 2,000 would be ready
+ to leave England during the next few months."—<i>New
+ Zealand Paper</i>.</p>
+ </blockquote>
+ <hr />
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>There was an industrial freak,</p>
+
+ <p>As a labourer sadly to seek;</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">But he leapt into fame</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">By preferring a claim</p>
+
+ <p>For a general Ten-Minutes' Week.</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page322"
+ id="page322"></a>[pg 322]</span>
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:100%;">
+ <a href="images/322.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/322.png"
+ alt="" /></a>
+
+ <p><i>Vicar</i> (<i>to parishioner who has violent quarrels
+ with her neighbour</i>), "MRS. CRABBE SENT A MESSAGE THAT
+ SHE HAS QUITE FORGIVEN YOU. WHAT MESSAGE CAN I TAKE TO
+ HER?"</p>
+
+ <p><i>Parishioner</i>. "YOU CAN SAY I 'OPE SHE'LL DIE
+ 'APPY."</p>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>FEARFUL ODDS.</h2>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>There's no fear that strikes so dumb,</p>
+
+ <p>None so hard to overcome,</p>
+
+ <p>As the thought that there are two</p>
+
+ <p>Eyes that <i>may</i> be watching you.</p>
+
+ <p>Here's a perfect illustration</p>
+
+ <p>Of that sickening sensation.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>Young Lieutenant Jimmy Spry's</p>
+
+ <p>Power resided in his eyes;</p>
+
+ <p>He'd been able all his days</p>
+
+ <p>To revolve them different ways.</p>
+
+ <p>For example, let's suppose</p>
+
+ <p>That the right one watched his nose,</p>
+
+ <p>Then the left—you'll think it queer—</p>
+
+ <p>Turned towards his dexter ear.</p>
+
+ <p>But what really made him great</p>
+
+ <p>Was—he always <i>saw</i> things straight.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>Out in France, a year ago,</p>
+
+ <p>He was cornered by the foe;</p>
+
+ <p>Neither party had a gun,</p>
+
+ <p>But the odds were three to one</p>
+
+ <p>And the Huns were fit and strong;</p>
+
+ <p>One was lean and very long,</p>
+
+ <p>One was short and stout of calf,</p>
+
+ <p>While the third was half and half.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>Jimmy, spoiling for a fight,</p>
+
+ <p>Fixed the short one with his right,</p>
+
+ <p>While his left with martial glare</p>
+
+ <p>Met the long 'un's startled stare;</p>
+
+ <p>But—I know it sounds absurd—</p>
+
+ <p>He was <i>looking</i> at the third.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>Jimmy was, I'd have you know,</p>
+
+ <p>Something of a boxing pro.,</p>
+
+ <p>So he knew the golden maxim:</p>
+
+ <p>"He who eyes his man best whacks him."</p>
+
+ <p>Shorty, when he saw the grim</p>
+
+ <p>Optic that was turned on him,</p>
+
+ <p>Thinking Jimmy's fist looked hard</p>
+
+ <p>Prudently remained on guard.</p>
+
+ <p>Canny Hun! And who can blame</p>
+
+ <p>Longshanks if he did the same?</p>
+
+ <p>But our hero, irritated,</p>
+
+ <p>Grassed the third man while they waited.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>Filled with rage and anger, both</p>
+
+ <p>Rushed upon him with an oath,</p>
+
+ <p>Eager now to slit the gizzard</p>
+
+ <p>Of that astigmatic wizard,</p>
+
+ <p>Till they noticed with dismay</p>
+
+ <p><i>Both</i> his eyes were far away!</p>
+
+ <p>(One eye sought the earth, while one</p>
+
+ <p>Seemed to contemplate the sun.)</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>Both stopped dead; the same cold thought</p>
+
+ <p>At their jangling heart-strings caught.</p>
+
+ <p>Longshanks, trembling at the knee,</p>
+
+ <p>Quavered, "Hans, he's watching <i>me</i>!"</p>
+
+ <p>Shorty whimpered, scared to fits,</p>
+
+ <p>"No, it's <i>me</i> he's after, Fritz!"</p>
+
+ <p>Sick with fear, their souls revolted;</p>
+
+ <p>As one man they turned and bolted.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>At them Spry in mild amaze</p>
+
+ <p>(Literally) bent his gaze,</p>
+
+ <p>Sighed, and then without a word</p>
+
+ <p>Wandered homeward with the third.</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h3>BAR BABIES.</h3>
+
+ <blockquote class="note">
+ <p>[Lord Justice BANKS recently referred to the possible
+ establishment of a Law Courts' <i>crêche</i>, where
+ the female barrister might leave her young while engaged in
+ forensic duties.]</p>
+ </blockquote>
+
+ <p><i>From "The Law Times" of 192—.</i></p>
+
+ <blockquote>
+ <p>"A Violent altercation took place yesterday in the room
+ allotted to infants of the Junior Bar (adjoining the Court
+ of Pathetic Appeal) between his nurse and little Johnnie,
+ the teething infant of Mrs. Flapperton, who, by the way, we
+ noticed being measured only the other day for silk. The
+ Court Husher having failed to produce silence, Mrs. Justice
+ Spankhurst had to intervene, and only succeeded in
+ restoring order by threatening to have the
+ <i>crêche</i> cleared."</p>
+ </blockquote>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page323"
+ id="page323"></a>[pg 323]</span>
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:100%;">
+ <a href="images/323.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/323.png"
+ alt="" /></a>
+
+ <h3>THE RECKONING.</h3>PAN-GERMAN. "MONSTROUS, I CALL IT.
+ WHY, IT'S FULLY A QUARTER OF WHAT <i>WE</i> SHOULD HAVE
+ MADE <i>THEM</i> PAY, IF <i>WE</i>'D WON."
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page325"
+ id="page325"></a>[pg 325]</span>
+
+ <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+ <p><i>Monday, April 14th</i>.—The Criminal Injuries
+ (Ireland) Bill furnished the LORD CHANCELLOR with the text for
+ a rather gloomy sermon on the present state of the
+ sister-country. The King's Writ still runs there, but in many
+ counties is outstripped by the rival <i>fiat</i> of Sinn Fein.
+ A tribute to the impeccable behaviour of "law-abiding" Ulster
+ appeared to stir in the breast of Lord CREWE memories of the
+ pre-war prancings of a certain "Galloper," for he remarked that
+ the noble lord's information seemed to be "partial and
+ recent."</p>
+
+ <p>Exception has recently been taken to the cab-shelter in
+ Palace Yard, some Members objecting that its architectural
+ design was out of harmony with that of the Houses of
+ Parliament, and others complaining that its internal
+ attractions were so great as to seduce the taxi-men from paying
+ any attention to prospective fares. Sir ALFRED MOND, after long
+ consideration, has decided to abolish the offending edifice and
+ to give the drivers a shelter in the Vaults, where the police
+ will discourage them from exceeding in the matter of "rest and
+ refreshment."</p>
+
+ <p>Members were naturally eager to hear what Mr. BONAR LAW,
+ freshly flown from Paris, had to tell them about the Peace
+ Conference, the prospects of hanging the EX-KAISER, and so
+ forth, but received little information, save that the
+ Government shared the popular desire that no legal quibble
+ should prevent the arch-criminal being brought to justice.
+ Members were a little comforted, however, by the announcement
+ that a Committee of the Cabinet is already considering the
+ whole question of Peace-celebrations. While Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is
+ engaged (if the image is permitted) in fighting beasts at
+ Ephesus it is pleasant to think of his colleagues deciding upon
+ the relative merits of crackers and Catherine-wheels, flares
+ and bonfires, church-bells and steam-sirens, as means for the
+ expression of the national joy.</p>
+
+ <div class="figright"
+ style="width:60%;">
+ <a href="images/325.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/325.png"
+ alt="" /></a>
+
+ <h3>SIR A. MOND AND AN EFFICIENT CAB SERVICE FOR
+ MEMBERS.</h3>At a blast on whistle the cab-drivers will
+ down tea-cups, cake, kippers or what-not, and double
+ smartly on to parade.
+ </div>
+
+ <p>After the loud orgy of headline which followed upon his
+ remarkable victory at Central Hull, Commander KENWORTHY might
+ reasonably have expected that his entry into the House would
+ have produced an uproarious scene of demonstration and
+ counter-demonstration. But there was nothing of the kind. The
+ jubilant "Wee Frees," of course, cheered as one man, but the
+ volume of sound produced was not appreciably greater than if
+ one man had cheered; and the crowded Coalitionists sat gloomily
+ silent, though no doubt they thought a lot. The gallant
+ Commander has already introduced one pleasing innovation into
+ the procedure of the House, for, before signing the Roll, he
+ nodded cheerfully to the ladies in the Gallery, as if to say,
+ "But for you I shouldn't be here!"</p>
+
+ <p>Sir A. GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN, who at Question-time had
+ regretfully admitted that the Government were withdrawing
+ soldiers from agriculture at a moment when they were
+ particularly required, now moved the Second Reading of the Bill
+ which is intended to give them the chance of going back to the
+ land in perpetuity. In spite of his warning that the cost of
+ the land to be acquired was a comparatively minor part of the
+ expense, Members vied with one another in denouncing the
+ iniquity of allowing the land-owner to get the present
+ market-value of his property; and the landlords'
+ representatives themselves hastened to declare that such a
+ preposterous notion never entered their heads. The Bill was
+ read a second time without a division. I don't suppose it will
+ provide land for anything approaching the eight hundred
+ thousand soldiers who are said to be pining for it; but it
+ ought to satisfy the relatively small proportion who, after
+ hearing about the trials and hardships of a
+ small-holder—no forty-eight hours' week for
+ him!—retain their agricultural aspirations.</p>
+
+ <p><i>Tuesday, April 15th</i>.—In a couple of hours the
+ Lords disposed of several Bills, enjoyed a scientific debate on
+ neurasthenia—described by a correspondent of Lord
+ KNUTSFORD as "a gas escaping from people"—discussed the
+ prices of milk and cheese, and still found time for the
+ consideration of their own procedure. Lord CURZON said the
+ suggestion that the House should sit on more days in the week
+ had not been favourably received. Friday would not do, as their
+ Lordships went out of town on that day, and Monday was equally
+ inconvenient, as they could not contrive to get back by then.
+ To earlier sittings the LORD CHANCELLOR objected on behalf of
+ his legal colleagues. So it looks as if there would be no
+ change, and since, <i>teste</i> Lord SALISBURY, the House does
+ its work admirably, why should there be?</p>
+
+ <p>Remembering a famous speech on the presumption of certain
+ organs of the Press, the Commons were not surprised to learn
+ from Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, <i>à propos</i> of the beer-tax,
+ that he is not responsible for what may appear in <i>The
+ Times</i>.</p>
+
+ <p>There is still something of "the eternal boy" in Major
+ WEDGWOOD BENN. It was with an air of "Now I've got him" that he
+ propounded the question, "Is paper a raw material or a
+ manufactured article?" But Mr. BRIDGEMAN can always solve these
+ Cobdenite conundrums, and quietly replied, "Both." Whereupon
+ Major BENN, with an engaging blush, retired from the fray.</p>
+
+ <p>In moving the second reading of the Aliens Restriction Bill
+ the HOME SECRETARY said that, while national safety must be the
+ first consideration, no unnecessary hardship should be
+ inflicted on our foreign immigrants. But his proposal that the
+ Government should rest contented with its present powers for
+ another two years met with little favour from Members whose
+ knowledge of history seems to date from 1914. In the opinion of
+ Mr. BOTTOMLEY, who led the Opposition, every alien was <i>prima
+ facie</i> undesirable; Sir ERNEST WILD, from his experience in
+ the criminal courts, took the same view, and patriotically
+ demanded the exclusion from our shores of persons whose
+ principal occupation, we gathered, was to furnish him with
+ briefs for the defence; and Mr. JOYNSON HICKS, Mr. BILLING and
+ Sir R. COOPER urged that the SHORTT way with aliens should be
+ made considerably shorter. Before this massed attack the HOME
+ SECRETARY gave way and agreed to reduce the operation of the
+ Bill to one year.</p>
+
+ <p>The temperature of the House rose so appreciably during the
+ debate as to <span class="pagenum"><a name="page326"
+ id="page326"></a>[pg 326]</span> upset the nerves of some of
+ the ladies in the Strangers' Gallery. At least that is the
+ charitable explanation of the behaviour of Miss SYLVIA
+ PANKHURST and her friends, who interrupted a discussion on
+ soldiers' pensions by shouting out, "You are a gang of
+ murderers!"</p>
+
+ <p><i>Wednesday, April 16th</i>.—A crowded House, the
+ Peers' Gallery full to overflowing, the HEIR-APPARENT over the
+ Clock, and the new Editor of <i>The Times</i> among the
+ representatives of the Press—the PRIME MINISTER could
+ have desired no better setting for his speech upon the labours
+ of the Peace Conference. His original intention was to hold his
+ forces in reserve and invite his critics to "fire first," but,
+ as none of these gentlemen seemed to be particularly anxious to
+ go "over the top," Mr. LLOYD GEOEGE obligingly altered his
+ battle-plan and himself delivered the opening fusillade.</p>
+
+ <p>That he was in no apologetic mood was shown in almost his
+ first sentence. His declaration that indemnities were a
+ difficult problem, "not to be settled by telegram," evoked
+ resounding cheers. Thenceforward he held the sympathy of the
+ House, whether he was describing the difficulties of the Peace
+ Conference, or reconciling the apparent inconsistencies of its
+ Russian policy, or inveighing against the attempts of certain
+ newspapers to sow dissension among the Allies. "I would rather
+ have a good Peace than a good Press" was one of his most
+ telling phrases, and it was followed by a character-sketch of
+ his principal newspaper-critic which in pungency left nothing
+ to be desired. "What a journalist I could have made of him!"
+ the recluse of Fontainebleau will doubtless remark when he
+ reads the passage.</p>
+
+ <p>The PRIME MINISTER'S object, I imagine, was less to impart
+ information than to create an atmosphere; and he was so far
+ successful that the House showed little inclination to listen
+ to other speakers. Nevertheless several of them devoted some
+ hours to saying nothing in particular before the House
+ mercifully adjourned for the Easter Recess.</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <blockquote>
+ <p>"The Postmaster-General, in a written answer, states
+ that arrangements are now in hand for the improvement,
+ where circumstances permit, of postal services which have
+ been curtained as a result of war
+ conditions."—<i>Scots Paper</i>.</p>
+ </blockquote>
+
+ <p>As for the telephone service, we can well believe that he
+ would prefer the veil to be kept over that.</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>A GERMLESS EDEN.</h2>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>The antiseptic baby and the prophylactic pup</p>
+
+ <p>Were playing in the garden when the bunny gambolled
+ up;</p>
+
+ <p>They looked upon the creature with a loathing
+ undisguised,</p>
+
+ <p>For he wasn't disinfected and he wasn't
+ sterilized.</p>
+
+ <p>They said he was a microbe and a hotbed of
+ disease;</p>
+
+ <p>They steamed him in a vapour of a thousand odd
+ degrees,</p>
+
+ <p>They froze him in a freezer that was cold as
+ banished hope,</p>
+
+ <p>They washed him with permanganate and carbolated
+ soap,</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>With sulphuretted hydrogen they bathed his wiggly
+ ears;</p>
+
+ <p>They trimmed his frisky whiskers with a pair of
+ hard-boiled shears;</p>
+
+ <p>Then they donned their rubber mittens and they took
+ him by the hand</p>
+
+ <p>And elected him a member of the fumigated band.</p>
+
+ <p>Now there's not a micrococcus in the garden where
+ they play</p>
+
+ <p>And they bathe in pure iodoform a dozen times a
+ day,</p>
+
+ <p>Taking each his daily ration from a hygienic
+ cup,</p>
+
+ <p>The baby and the bunny and the prophylactic pup.</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:45%;">
+ <a href="images/326.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/326.png"
+ alt="" /></a>THE QUESTION OF PEACE CELEBRATIONS IS
+ BEING CONSIDERED BY A COMMITTEE OF THE CABINET.
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h3>Rapid Promotion.</h3>
+
+ <blockquote>
+ <p>"Cpl. A.A.C. Earl of Shaftesbury, K.P., K.C.V.O.,
+ relinquishes his appt. (March 1), and is granted the hon.
+ rank of Brig.-Gen."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p>
+ </blockquote>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>FROM THE STREET OF ADVENTURE.</h2>
+
+ <p>Journalistic reconstructions and amalgamations have been
+ proceeding so rapidly and extensively of late that there seems
+ no end to the kaleidoscopic possibilities of the future.</p>
+
+ <p>Up to the present, however, no confirmation can be obtained
+ of the startling rumor that <i>The Spectator</i> has been
+ purchased by the proprietors of <i>The Kennel Gazette</i>, and
+ will henceforth be devoted to the interests of our four-footed
+ friends, the supplements being restricted to purely feline
+ amenities.</p>
+
+ <p>Another persistent rumour, which hitherto lacks the seal of
+ official corroboration, is to the effect that <i>The
+ Guardian</i> is to be given a new range of activity as the
+ organ of scientific spiritualism, under the title of <i>The
+ Guardian Angel</i> and the joint editorship of Sir Oliver Doyle
+ and Sir Conan Lodge. The investigations into multiple
+ consciousness conducted by these two eminent <i>savants</i>
+ have proved their mutual convertibility to such an extent that
+ they have decided upon this rearrangement of their names. If
+ the scheme materialises the stimulating collaboration of Mr.
+ HAROLD BEGBIE is a foregone conclusion, and there is even a
+ possibility of contributions from an August Exile somewhere in
+ Holland.</p>
+
+ <p>A third report maintains with minute circumstantiality that
+ the proprietors of <i>The Economist</i>, having come to the
+ conclusion that this journal needs brightening, have decided to
+ entrust the post of principal leader-writer to "CALLISTHENES,"
+ and retain the services of the authoress of <i>The Tunnel</i>
+ as financial <i>feuilleton</i> writer. But on enquiry at the
+ London School of Economics we could not obtain any definite
+ information.</p>
+
+ <p>The rumours that <i>The Morning Post</i> is about to be
+ merged in <i>The Winning Post</i>, and that Mr. MAXSE is
+ starting an evening paper, to be called <i>The Job and
+ Caviller</i>, are extremely interesting, but need to be
+ received with a certain amount of caution.</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <blockquote>
+ <p>"Two-seater Motor-car. 7-9 h.p., in perfect running
+ order, Bosch magneto, Michelin tyres, spare wheel and
+ accessories, Axminster and Brussels carpets, stair
+ carpeting, lino., kitchen utensils, dinner service, copper
+ chafing dish, pots, pans, lawn mower, deck chairs, &c.,
+ nearly new mangle, and numerous other
+ effects."—<i>Local Paper</i>.</p>
+ </blockquote>
+
+ <p>Just the car for the <i>White Knight</i> when he takes to
+ motoring.</p>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page327"
+ id="page327"></a>[pg 327]</span>
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:100%;">
+ <a href="images/327.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/327.png"
+ alt="" /></a><i>Excited Officer</i> (<i>in
+ demobilisation special</i>). "I <i>KNEW</i> THE
+ COUNTRY WAS GRATEFUL! LOOK AT THAT OLD CHAP WAVING HIS
+ HOE AT US!"
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>BABLINGO.</h2>
+
+ <p>It has been suggested to me that the time has come for a
+ comprehensive investigation of the interesting language known
+ as Bablingo. Materials for this are ready for use in every home
+ that still possesses a nursery with an inmate not more than two
+ years of age. I must premise that it is the inmate's mother and
+ the inmate's nurse, not the actual inmate, who use the
+ language. Some day, no doubt, there will arise an investigator
+ who will reduce to order and catalogue the inchoate efforts of
+ an infant to make itself understood by talking. These efforts
+ are doubtless of high interest to the etymologist, but the
+ difficulties of the task are at present too great, and in any
+ case I am not the man to undertake it.</p>
+
+ <p>I shall content myself for the moment with setting an
+ examination paper in Bablingo for the purpose of testing
+ knowledge. It will differ from most other examinations in
+ having a further object—namely to supply instruction and
+ information to the examiner. Later on it may be possible to
+ construct a grammar, and to append to this a few easy
+ exercises. It must be remembered, however, that there are great
+ difficulties to be overcome in such a task. Every home, for
+ instance, has its own rules for pronunciation. Of these I do
+ not for my immediate purpose propose to take cognisance.</p>
+
+ <p>Here, then, is a short Bablingo examination paper for the
+ use of mothers and nurses. I do not at present see my way to
+ including fathers.</p>
+
+ <p>(1) On what principles is the language which you use in your
+ nursery formed? Did you (<i>a</i>) acquire it, or (<i>b</i>)
+ find yourself unconsciously in possession of it?</p>
+
+ <p>(2) Give a list of the characteristic features which
+ distinguish Bablingo from the dialects employed by Prehistoric
+ Man.</p>
+
+ <p>(3) What justification can you allege for the conversion of
+ the words <i>little thing</i> into the words <i>ickle sing</i>?
+ Are the spelling and pronunciation of these two words intended
+ to be a concession to the feeble understanding of an
+ infant?</p>
+
+ <p>(4) <i>Wasums and didums, then? Was it a ickle birdie,
+ then?</i> Expand the above into a four-line verse with rhymes,
+ and explain why the language as spoken and written is nearly
+ always in the past tense, and rarely in the present or
+ future.</p>
+
+ <p>(5)(<i>a</i>) <i>Did he woz-a-woz, then; a Mum's own
+ woz-man?</i> (<i>b</i>) <i>'Oose queenie-mouse was 'oo?</i>
+ Write a short story on one of the above texts.</p>
+
+ <p>(6) <i>Did she try to hit her ickle bruzzer on his
+ nosie-posie wiz a mug? She was a Tartar, and did she want to
+ break him up into bitsy-witsies?</i> Construct a scene from a
+ typical nursery drama on the above motive. What theories do you
+ base on the extract with regard to the girl's temper and the
+ boy's courage and endurance?</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h3>A Really Candid Candidate.</h3>
+
+ <blockquote>
+ <p>"TO THE ELECTORS OF —— WARD.</p>
+
+ <p>"Ladies and Gentlemen,—I beg to thank you for
+ returning me as your member at the Election on Monday last.
+ Nothing shall be wanting on my part to betray the
+ confidence thus reposed in me."—<i>Provincial
+ Paper</i>.</p>
+ </blockquote>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page328"
+ id="page328"></a>[pg 328]</span>
+
+ <h2>A YEAR'S REPRISALS.</h2>
+
+ <p>When I sent Aunt Emily—from whom I have
+ expectations—a pincushion at Christmas and she retaliated
+ with a pen-wiper on New Year's Day, I thought that was the end
+ of it.</p>
+
+ <p>Not so.</p>
+
+ <p>Aunt Emily reopened hostilities on my birthday with a purple
+ satin letter-case embroidered with a sprig of rosemary and the
+ word "Remembrance." That fresh offensive occurred on January
+ 27th, which, I repeat, is my birthday. Readers please note.</p>
+
+ <p>When was Aunt Emily's birthday? Frenzied search in antique
+ birthday books revealed not the horrid secret. Probing my diary
+ for other suitable anniversaries, I came to February
+ 1st—"Partridge and Pheasant Shooting ends."</p>
+
+ <p>I passed this as being inappropriate, and then—the
+ very thing—February 14th, St. Valentine's. Also Full
+ Moon.</p>
+
+ <p>To arrive on that day, I despatched, carefully packed, the
+ white marble clock from the spare-room. When well shaken it
+ will tick for an hour. Aunt Emily had never seen it, I
+ knew.</p>
+
+ <p>Then I sounded the All Clear.</p>
+
+ <p>But on Easter Eve a heavy packing-case was bumped onto my
+ doorstep. From wrappings of sacking there emerged a large model
+ of Eddystone lighthouse; a thermometer was embedded in its
+ chest, minus the mercury, I noted. And Aunt Emily wished me as
+ per enclosed card "A joyous Easter."</p>
+
+ <p>With groans and lamentations another anniversary must be
+ found by me. Ah! Here we have it! KING GEOKGE V. born June 3rd.
+ On the dark roof of my spare-room wardrobe loomed an Indian
+ vase—bright yellow with red blobs—very rare and
+ very hideous, with a bulge in its middle. Obviously unique,
+ because when the Indian made it his fellow-Indians slew him to
+ prevent repetitions of the offence. I packed it in the middle
+ of a crate and much straw, calculated to make an appalling mess
+ when released.</p>
+
+ <p>To dear Aunt Emily it went, with love, and a few topical
+ remarks about the Monarchy.</p>
+
+ <p>But Aunt Emily evidently had a diary too. On the 21st of
+ October—anniversary of Trafalgar—my heart sank as
+ the railway delivery van drew up at my door. The angry driver
+ toiled into my passage with a packing-case (bristling with
+ splinters and nails). When it was open and the chisel broken I
+ picked the splinters out of my fingers and contemplated the
+ battered horn of a gramophone emerging from sawdust and
+ shavings.</p>
+
+ <p>The mess created was indescribable when the horn was drawn
+ forth. Shavings flew everywhere. The sawdust was like a
+ butcher's shop. There were records too, some broken, all
+ scratched. When set going it made a noise like a cockatoo with
+ a cold. Decently covered with a cloth it was interned in the
+ loft.</p>
+
+ <p>Next please. One more effort and I should be one up and Aunt
+ Emily to play. And her turn would be Christmas. Once she sent
+ me five pounds at Christmas.</p>
+
+ <p>The diary again. A poor hatch of anniversaries for November.
+ A partial eclipse of the moon, partially visible at Greenwich,
+ was down for the 22nd. But eclipses are too ominous.</p>
+
+ <p>I fell back on KING EDWARD VII., born November 9th, 1841.
+ Twenty-three volumes of Goodworthy's <i>History of England</i>
+ should commemorate this. There had once been twenty-four, but
+ the puppy ate one.</p>
+
+ <p>Gratitude came by return of post, and I sat down in peace to
+ await Christmas and a cheque.</p>
+
+ <p>But on December 19th came another dreadful and splintery
+ packing-case. Desperately I gouged it open. Out of it, through
+ a cloud of shavings, emerged my own loathsome yellow-and-red
+ Indian vase! No word with it—not a word, not a note. Not
+ a funeral note.</p>
+
+ <p>Rage overtook me. I disinterred Aunt Emily's own gramophone
+ and records. I packed the horn anyhow. Such of the records as
+ seemed difficult to get in I broke into small pieces and shoved
+ in corners. I nailed the packing-case up with the same nails
+ and addressed it in the boldest and fiercest of characters to
+ Aunt Emily and caught the railway-van on the rebound. The deed
+ was done.</p>
+
+ <p>I laughed "Ha, ha!" I laughed "Ho, ho!" I would teach Aunt
+ Emily to return me my own vase.</p>
+
+ <p>Next morning came a letter. As I read it perspiration burst
+ out on my forehead. Language the most awful burst from my
+ lips.</p>
+
+ <p>And yet it was a simple letter—from my little cousin
+ Dolly.</p>
+
+ <p>"DEAR BOB," it said,—"I sent you a yellow-and-red vase
+ for Christmas. Your Aunt Emily gave it me as a wedding present.
+ It is not my style and must be yours, because I have seen one
+ like it in your house. Perhaps you collect them. Don't tell
+ your Aunt, but I really couldn't bear it. I forgot to put any
+ note in the box. Happy Christmas.</p>
+
+ <p>"Love, DOLLY."</p>
+
+ <p>And Aunt Emily would have opened my case by now.</p>
+
+ <p>On Christmas Day I received a letter from her which I opened
+ with cold and clammy fingers.</p>
+
+ <p>She thanked me for sending back the gramophone. She was
+ sorry I did not care for it. She was now sending it to a
+ hospital for shell-shocked officers. And she wished me a Blithe
+ Yuletide on a penny card. And she was very sincerely mine.</p>
+
+ <p>Anyone can have her for aught I care.</p>
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:45%;">
+ <a href="images/328.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/328.png"
+ alt="" /></a><i>Unsuccessful House-huntress</i>.
+ "REALLY ONE SEES SO FEW OF THE SORT OF MEN WHO USED TO
+ <i>BUILD</i> HOUSES. WHY DOESN'T THE GOVERNMENT
+ RELEASE MORE CORDUROY TROUSERS AND ENTICE THE
+ LABOURERS BACK?"
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page329"
+ id="page329"></a>[pg 329]</span>
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:100%;">
+ <h3>THE SUPER-HUMAN
+ DOG.</h3><a href="images/329-1.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/329-1.png"
+ alt="" /></a>
+ </div>
+
+ <table summary="Super Dog"
+ align="center"
+ width="100%">
+ <tbody>
+ <tr>
+ <td width="33%"
+ align="center"
+ valign="top">WHEN YOU CAME HOME ON LEAVE YOUR
+ DOG, UNLIKE SOME HUMANS, NEVER EXPRESSED
+ SURPRISE AT SEEING YOU <i>STILL IN
+ ENGLAND</i>.</td>
+
+ <td width="33%"
+ align="center"
+ valign="top">NEVER INDULGED IN DEMOBILISATION
+ TALK.</td>
+
+ <td width="33%"
+ align="center"
+ valign="top">OR HANDED OUT "CHESTNUTS."</td>
+ </tr>
+ </tbody>
+ </table>
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:100%;">
+ <a href="images/329-2.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/329-2.png"
+ alt="" /></a>
+ </div>
+
+ <table summary="Super Dog 2"
+ align="center"
+ width="100%">
+ <tbody>
+ <tr>
+ <td width="33%"
+ align="center"
+ valign="top">OR INTRODUCED YOU TO YOUR C.O.
+ (ALSO ON PASS).</td>
+
+ <td width="33%"
+ align="center"
+ valign="top">OR BORED YOU WITH HIS OWN DOMESTIC
+ TROUBLES ("LEFT A BOOT-JACK IN MY
+ DRINKING-TROUGH, SHE DID").</td>
+
+ <td width="33%"
+ align="center"
+ valign="top">OR INTRUDED HIS PRESENCE AT
+ INOPPORTUNE MOMENTS.</td>
+ </tr>
+ </tbody>
+ </table>
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:100%;">
+ <a href="images/329-3.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/329-3.png"
+ alt="" /></a>
+ </div>
+
+ <table summary="Super Dog 3"
+ align="center"
+ width="100%">
+ <tbody>
+ <tr>
+ <td width="33%"
+ align="center"
+ valign="top">BUT SIMPLY WELCOMED
+ YOU—</td>
+
+ <td width="33%"
+ align="center"
+ valign="top">—IN HIS OWN—</td>
+
+ <td width="33%"
+ align="center"
+ valign="top">—INIMITABLE MANNER.</td>
+ </tr>
+ </tbody>
+ </table>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page330"
+ id="page330"></a>[pg 330]</span>
+
+ <h2>A SOUTH SEA BUBBLE.</h2>
+
+ <p>"I want you," said my hostess, "to take in Mrs. Blank. She
+ is charming. All through the War she has been with her husband
+ in the South Seas. London is a new place to her."</p>
+
+ <p>Mrs. Blank did not look too promising. She was pretty in her
+ way—"elegant" an American would have called her—but
+ she lacked animation. However, the South Seas...! Anyone fresh
+ from the Pacific must have enough to tell to see soup, fish and
+ <i>entrée</i> safely through.</p>
+
+ <p>I began by remarking that she must find London a very
+ complete change after the sun and placidity that she had come
+ from.</p>
+
+ <p>"It's certainly noisier," she said; "but we had our share of
+ rain."</p>
+
+ <p>"I thought it was always fine there," I remarked; but she
+ laughed a denial and relapsed into silence.</p>
+
+ <p>She was one of those women who don't take soup, and this
+ made the economy of her utterances the more unfair.</p>
+
+ <p>Racking my brain for a new start I fell back on those useful
+ fellows, the authors. Presuming that anyone who had lived in
+ that fascinating region—the promised land (if land is the
+ word) of so many of us who are weary of English climatic
+ treacheries—would be familiar with the literature of it.
+ I went boldly to work.</p>
+
+ <p>"The first book about the South Seas that I ever read," I
+ said, "was BALLANTYNE'S <i>Coral Island</i>."</p>
+
+ <p>"Indeed!" she replied.</p>
+
+ <p>I asked her if she too had not been brought up on
+ BALLANTYNE, and she said no. She did not even know his
+ name.</p>
+
+ <p>"He wrote for boys," I explained rather lamely.</p>
+
+ <p>"I read poetry chiefly as a girl," she said.</p>
+
+ <p>"But surely you know STEVENSON'S <i>Island Nights'
+ Entertainment</i>?" I said.</p>
+
+ <p>No, she did not. Was it nice?</p>
+
+ <p>"It's extraordinary," I said. "It gives you more of the
+ atmosphere of the South Seas than any other work. And Louis
+ BECKE—you must have read him?" I continued.</p>
+
+ <p>No, she had not. She read very little. The last book she had
+ read was on spiritualism.</p>
+
+ <p>"Not even CONRAD?" I pursued. "No one has so described the
+ calms and storms of the Pacific."</p>
+
+ <p>No, she remembered no story called <i>Conrad</i>.</p>
+
+ <p>I was about to explain that CONRAD was the writer, not the
+ written; but it seemed a waste of words, and we fell into a
+ stillness broken only by the sound of knife and fork.</p>
+
+ <p>"Hang it! you shall talk," I said to myself; and then aloud,
+ "Tell me all about copra. I have longed to know what copra is;
+ how it grows, what it looks like, what it is for."</p>
+
+ <p>"You have come to the wrong person," she replied, with wide
+ eyes. "I never heard of it. Or did you say 'cobra'? Of course I
+ know what a cobra is—it's a snake. I've seen them at the
+ Zoo."</p>
+
+ <p>I put her right. "Copra, the stuff that the traders in the
+ South Seas deal in."</p>
+
+ <p>"I never heard of it," she said. "But then why should I? I
+ know nothing about the South Seas."</p>
+
+ <p>My stock fell thirty points and I crumbled bread nervously,
+ hoping for something sensible to say; but at this moment
+ "half-time" mercifully set in. My partner on the other side
+ turned to me suavely and asked if I thought the verses in
+ <i>Abraham Lincoln</i> were a beauty or a blemish; and with the
+ assistance of the London stage, the flight to America, Mrs.
+ FULTON'S <i>Blight</i>, Mr. WALPOLE'S <i>Secret City</i> and
+ the prospects of the new Academy, I sailed serenely into port.
+ She was as easy and agreeable a woman as that other was
+ difficult, and before she left for the drawing-room she had
+ invited me to lunch and I had accepted.</p>
+
+ <p>As I said Good-night to my hostess I asked why she had told
+ me that my first partner had been in the South Seas. She said
+ that she had said nothing of the sort; what she had said was
+ that during the War she had been stationed with her husband,
+ Colonel Blank, at Southsea.</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>THE MESSAGE OF HULL.</h2>
+
+ <p>The Hull Election has been keenly discussed in various
+ papers, but by none with more enthusiasm than <i>The Daily
+ News</i>. In a special article from the luminous pen of
+ "A.G.G.," in the issue of April 12th, the true inwardness of
+ the portent is thus revealed:—</p>
+
+ <p>"The message of Hull is a message for all the world. It is
+ the announcement that this country, whatever its Government may
+ do, will not have a French peace. It is a declaration to
+ America that the English people are with her in her
+ determination to have a League of Nations' settlement and no
+ other. It is the repudiation of Conscription, of war on Russia,
+ of the permanent military occupation of Germany, of imperialism
+ and grab, of war policy in Ireland, of repression in Egypt, of
+ the reckless profligacy and corruption that are plunging Europe
+ into Bolshevism and hurrying this country to irretrievable
+ ruin."</p>
+
+ <p>We confess that we are staggered by the moderation, not to
+ say modesty, of "A.G.G." as an interpreter of the meaning of
+ the Hull Election. He has omitted infinitely more than he has
+ inscribed in his list.</p>
+
+ <p>The return of Commander KENWORTHY stands, of course, for all
+ these things, but for many others of at least equal
+ importance.</p>
+
+ <p>It means the disappearance of influenza, the ravages of
+ which are clearly traceable to the political virus disseminated
+ by the Coalition.</p>
+
+ <p>It means the rehabilitation of Mr. BIRRELL and his return to
+ public life as English Ambassador to the Court of King Valeroso
+ I.</p>
+
+ <p>It foreshadows the wholesale gratuitous distribution of
+ cigarettes, marmalade and gramophones.</p>
+
+ <p>It means the prohibition of the use of the French horn in
+ orchestras and all places where they play, the reinstatement of
+ the German flute and the restoration of the German Fleet.</p>
+
+ <p>Lastly, it means the compulsory prohibition of all Greek
+ except "Alpha of the Plough."</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>TO A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD</h2>
+
+ <h4>(<i>With his first Cricket Set</i>).</h4>
+
+ <div class="poem">
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>Here's a gift to take and treasure,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">England's gift as well as mine,</p>
+
+ <p>Symbol of her clean-spent leisure,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Of her youth and strength a sign;</p>
+
+ <p>Gleams of sunlight on old meadows</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">O'er these varnished toys are cast,</p>
+
+ <p>And within that box's shadows</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Stir the triumphs of the Past.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>Still the ancient tale entrances,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Giving us in golden dower</p>
+
+ <p>ULYETT'S drives and IVO's glances,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">JACKSON'S dash and THORNTON'S power;</p>
+
+ <p>Skill of LYTTELTONS and LACEYS,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Grit of SHREWSBURYS and GUNNS;</p>
+
+ <p>Pride of STUDDS and STEELS and GRACES</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Piling up their English runs.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>Take these simple toys as token</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Of the champions that have been,</p>
+
+ <p>Stalwart in defence unbroken,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Hefty hitters, hitting clean;</p>
+
+ <p>And, when capped in Life's eleven,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">May you stand as firm as they;</p>
+
+ <p>May you, little son of seven,</p>
+
+ <p class="i2">Play the game the English way.</p>
+ </div>
+
+ <div class="stanza">
+ <p>W.H.O.</p>
+ </div>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <blockquote>
+ <p>"It seems to be a ruling passion amongst certain writers
+ to portray anybody connected with commerce as being an
+ ungrammatical ignoramus. Even Kipling panders to this
+ notion in his conception of a drapery assistant in the
+ person of 'Kipps.'"—<i>Draper's Organiser</i>.</p>
+ </blockquote>
+
+ <p>But did not Mr. WELLS do something to redress the balance in
+ <i>Kim</i>?</p>
+ <hr />
+ <span class="pagenum"><a name="page331"
+ id="page331"></a>[pg 331]</span>
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:100%;">
+ <a href="images/331.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/331.png"
+ alt="" /></a>
+
+ <p>"WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, NO. 4?"</p>
+
+ <p>"IT'S NO GOOD, INSTRUCTOR; I AIN'T GOT NO HEAD FOR
+ HEIGHTS."</p>
+ </div>
+ <hr />
+
+ <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+ <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4>
+
+ <p>The latest of the now so fashionable short-story volumes to
+ come my way is one called <i>Our Casualty, Etc.</i>
+ (SKEFFINGTON). Much virtue in that "<i>Etc.</i>," which covers
+ other fifteen little tales in the best, or nearly the best,
+ "Birmingham" manner. I say "nearly," because for its happiest
+ expression the art of "Mr. GEORGE BIRMINGHAM" demands space to
+ tangle events into more complicated confusion than can be
+ contrived in the dozen pages of these episodes. But within
+ their limitations they are all excellent fun, partly concerned
+ with the War (usually with an Irishman involved), partly
+ recalled from the piping and whisky-drinking times of peace, at
+ Inishmore and elsewhere. One can only treat them after the
+ manner of the schoolboy who declined to distinguish between the
+ Major and Minor Prophets. But I rather specially enjoyed the
+ title-piece, which tells how the super-patriotism of an aged
+ volunteer defeated the kindly plans of those who would have
+ saved him fatigue by assigning to him the rôle of
+ casualty in a trench-relief practice. Casualties also figure in
+ "Getting Even," an improbable but highly entertaining fiction
+ of the score practised by an ingenious Medical Officer (Irish,
+ I need hardly say) upon an over-zealous C.O., who, to keep him
+ busy during a field day, flooded his "clearing station" with
+ all sorts of complicated imaginary cases, only to find the
+ fictitious victims arranged comfortably in rows under the shade
+ of the trees to await the Padre and a burying party, the M.O.
+ reporting that they had all died before reaching him. It
+ couldn't possibly happen as here told, but that matters little,
+ since, so far as I am concerned, a "Birmingham" tale can always
+ well afford to dispense with credibility.</p>
+ <hr class="short" />
+
+ <p>I am distinctly grateful to ROSE MACAULAY for <i>What
+ Not</i> (CONSTABLE). It brought me the pleasantest end to
+ anything but a perfect English Spring day. She has wit, not so
+ common a gift that you can afford just to take it for granted;
+ she knows when to stop, selecting not exhausting; and she makes
+ her epigrams by the way, as it were, without exposing the
+ process of manufacture. (Other epigrammatists please copy.)
+ Miss MACAULAY'S "prophetic comedy" is a joyous rag of
+ Government office routine, flappery, Pelmania, Tribunals, State
+ advertising, the Lower Journalism and "What Not." That
+ audacious eugenist, <i>Nicky Chester</i>, first Minister of
+ Brains in the post-war period of official attempts to raise the
+ nation from C3 to something nearer A1 on the intellectual
+ plane, happens, because of his family history, to be
+ uncertified for marriage. He also happens to fall very
+ desperately in love with his secretary, <i>Kitty Grammont</i>,
+ and the conflict between duty and desire becomes the
+ theme—perhaps just a little too heavy—of an
+ extravaganza that is happiest in its lighter and more
+ irreverent moments. Which is to say that <i>What Not</i>
+ wanders out of the key. But what on earth does that matter if
+ one is made to laugh quite often and to smile almost
+ continuously at a very shrewd piece of observation,
+ whimsicality and tempered malice? And you will like the serene
+ <i>Pansy Ponsonby</i> (out of "Hullo, Peace!"), who could
+ scarcely be called <i>Kitty's</i> "sister-in-law," but was of
+ the most faithful. The odd thing is that under all her gibing
+ the author seems to have a queer furtive admiration for her
+ precious Ministry of Brains.</p>
+ <hr class="short" />
+
+ <p>Among the many things I like in DORETHEA CONYERS' novels is
+ the artistic subtlety, achieved by few of our other novelists,
+ with which she manages to write them as it were in character. I
+ am quite sure that if <i>Berenice Ermyntrude Nicosia Nevin</i>,
+ who is called by her initials on the cover and inside by what
+ they spell, had tried to write a novel it would have been
+ remarkably like <i>B.E.N.</i> (METHUEN). There would have been
+ the same keen delight in horses, hunting and Irish scenery, and
+ the same cheerful disregard for such trifles as spelling or
+ such conventions as making quite sure that your reader knows
+ which character <span class="pagenum"><a name="page332"
+ id="page332"></a>[pg 332]</span> is speaking at any given
+ moment, and the same excellent humour, which, if it is at
+ the expense of the Irish, is kindly enough for all that. It
+ seems to me that in her new novel Mrs. CONYERS, wisely
+ refusing to stray to that suburbia in which her gifts lack
+ this charm, has recaptured much of the careless rapture of
+ her earliest books; and very careless and very rapturous
+ they wore. But I am not quite sure that in real life even
+ <i>Ben</i>, when as second whip to the East Cara hounds she
+ lost her horse, would have found an aeroplane useful to
+ catch up with. In case it should be objected that anything
+ so funny as the tea at <i>Miss Talty's</i> never could
+ happen, even in the Caher Valley district, I want to put it
+ on record here and now that it could and does.</p>
+ <hr class="short" />
+
+ <p><i>The Mystery Keepers</i> (LANE), by MARION FOX, reminds me
+ of the old riddle, "What is it that has feathers and two legs,
+ and barks like a dog?"—the answer being a stork. People
+ who protest that a stork doesn't bark like a dog are told that
+ that part is put in to make it harder. I find that the greater
+ part of the mystery kept by <i>The Mystery Keepers</i> is put
+ in to make it harder. The Abbey at Clynch St. Mary has a
+ "coise" put on it by the last Abbess, and every direct male
+ heir expires punctually on his twenty-first birthday. The
+ actual agency is a poisoned ring concealed in the frame of a
+ portrait of the malevolent Abbess and is in the custody of the
+ <i>Otway</i> family, who enjoy a prescriptive if nebulous right
+ to be stewards of the property. Just how or why the
+ <i>Otways</i>—noble fellows, we are given to
+ understand—carry out the deceased Abbess's nefarious
+ wishes with such precision and despatch is not explained.
+ Anyway the mother of the last victim, who has found out the
+ secret, steals the ring, murders the <i>Otway</i> of the
+ period, and retires to a lunatic asylum after her son has
+ himself stolen the ring from her workbox and poisoned himself
+ into the next world. That finishes it. The ring retires to a
+ museum and the proper people marry each other. It is a slender
+ and quite impossible story, but told in a clever way which goes
+ far to redeem its lack of substance.</p>
+ <hr class="short" />
+
+ <p><i>The Graftons</i> (COLLINS) is a sequel to Mr. ARCHIBALD
+ MARSHALL'S former chronicle of the same pleasant family. Herein
+ you shall find them, pursuing the even tenor of their
+ prosperous way, father, son and charming daughters, and
+ arriving placidly at the point where, in the natural sequence
+ of events, these daughters leave the paternal nest for others
+ provided by eligible mates. Their courtships, and some mild
+ uncertainty as to whether papa <i>Grafton</i>, well-preserved
+ and wealthy widower, will or will not follow the example of his
+ female offspring, provide the entire matter of the book. For
+ the rest Mr. MARSHALL is content to mark time (and very
+ pleasantly) with pictures of English country life at its most
+ comfortable, and in particular with some comedy scenes,
+ excellently done, turning upon the often delicate relationship
+ of Hall and Parsonage. There are a couple of clerical portraits
+ in the book that seem to me as lifelike as anything of the kind
+ since <i>Barchester</i>. Apart from this the outstanding virtue
+ of the <i>Graftons</i> is the reality of their dialogue.
+ Precisely thus do, or did, actual people speak in the quiet old
+ times before the War; precisely thus also did nothing whatever
+ of any consequence happen to the vast majority of them. Since,
+ however, the truth and charm of the tale depend upon this
+ absence of the sensational, I must the more regret that Messrs.
+ COLLINS, who have printed it exquisitely, should have been
+ betrayed into a coloured wrapper of almost grotesque
+ ineptitude.</p>
+ <hr class="short" />
+
+ <p>In <i>Graduation</i> (CHATTO AND WINDUS) there is an
+ essential femininity about Miss IRENE RUTHERFORD McLEOD'S style
+ and general attitude that imposes limitations; it is a quality
+ that shows itself not only in her plot, but in her characters,
+ the three reputed males who figure therein being as fine
+ examples of true womanliness as you need wish to meet.
+ <i>Frieda</i> was the heroine (a name somehow significant); and
+ of the trouser-wearers, the first, <i>Geoffrey</i>, was a
+ cat-like deceiver, who fascinated poor <i>Frieda</i> for ends
+ unspecified, pretended (the minx!) to be keen on the Suffrage
+ movement, which he wasn't, and concealed a wife; the second was
+ a Being too perfect to endure beyond Chapter 10, where he
+ expires eloquently of heart-failure, leaving <i>Alan</i>, the
+ third, to bear the white man's burden and clasp <i>Frieda</i>
+ to his maidenly heart. This sentimental progress is, I suppose,
+ what is implied by the title and the symbolic staircase (if it
+ <i>is</i> a staircase?) on the wrapper. But my trouble was that
+ I could never discern in the sweet girl-graduate any
+ development of character from the pretentious futility of her
+ earliest appearance. Perhaps I am prejudiced. Undeniably Miss
+ McLEOD can draw a certain type of prig with a horrible
+ facility. But the antiquated modernity of her scheme, flooded
+ as it is with the New Dawn of, say, a decade ago, and its bland
+ disregard of everything that has happened since, ended by
+ violently irritating me. Others may have better luck.</p>
+ <hr class="short" />
+
+ <p>Spring has been slow in coming, but I got something more
+ than a whiff of actual summer when <i>Under Blue Skies</i>
+ (HUTCHINSON) came my way. Mr. DE VERD STACPOOLE is at the top
+ of his form, and it is a real pleasure to recommend an author
+ who brings to his tales of adventure so nice a sense of style
+ and so keen a feeling for character. In "The Frigate Bird" the
+ rapscallions who seize a schooner and, without any knowledge of
+ navigation, sail the high seas, are full-blooded adventurers;
+ but there is all the difference in the world between the
+ character of the educated <i>Carlyon</i> and that of the
+ simple-minded and ignorant <i>Finn</i>. This yarn occupies
+ nearly half of the book, and the other stories should give food
+ for thought to those who allege that no Englishman can write a
+ short story. Apart from one charming little tale of a haunted
+ French <i>château</i> Mr. STACPOOLE allows us to bask
+ here in the eternal summer of Pacific skies. I am very grateful
+ for my sun-bath.</p>
+ <hr class="short" />
+
+ <p>In <i>Poems of the Great War</i>, by Mrs. ROBERTSON-GLASGOW,
+ readers of <i>Punch</i> will recognise some of the best serious
+ poems that have appeared in these pages of recent years. The
+ little half-crown volume in which they reappear has been
+ admirably printed at S. Aldhelm's Home for Boys, Frome, and may
+ be bought at SMITH'S in Kensington High Street.</p>
+ <hr />
+
+ <div class="figcenter"
+ style="width:55%;">
+ <a href="images/332.png"><img width="100%"
+ src="images/332.png"
+ alt="" /></a><i>Voice of Tommy in audience</i>. "NAH
+ THEN, MATE, WHY DON'T YER DIG YERSELF IN?"
+ </div>
+<br />
+<br />
+<hr class="full" />
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 156, APRIL 23, 1919
***</p>
+<p>******* This file should be named 11872-h.txt or 11872-h.zip *******</p>
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