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diff --git a/11872-h/11872-h.htm b/11872-h/11872-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..14ab51a --- /dev/null +++ b/11872-h/11872-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2694 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, April 23, 1919 +, by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + a:link {color:blue; + text-decoration:none} + link {color:blue; + text-decoration:none} + a:visited {color:blue; + text-decoration:none} + a:hover {color:red} + pre {font-size: 9pt;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11872 ***</div> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, +April 23, 1919, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen</h1> +***</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<center><b>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</b></center> +<br /> +<br /> +<hr class="full" /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 156.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>April 23, 1919.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page313" + id="page313"></a>[pg 313]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>"Hull electors," declared a Radical contemporary, "have + dealt the Coalition a stinging rebuke." But not, as others + claim, the <i>coupon de grace</i>.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>À propos</i>, a Woking butcher was fined last week + for being thirty-two thousand coupons short. The report that he + has since received a letter of condolence from Mr. LLOYD GEORGE + is not confirmed.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A correspondent who has a latchkey would like to hear from a + gentleman who could fit a house to it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A food inspector at Chatham admitted that he could not tell + the difference between No. 1 grade tinned beef and No. 2 grade. + The old plan of calling one grade Rover and the other Fido + seems to have been abolished since the War.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The EX-CROWN PRINCE, in a recent interview with a Danish + newspaper man, called LUDENDORFF a liar. LUDENDORFF is believed + to be preparing a crushing rejoinder, in which he calls the + EX-CROWN PRINCE a Hohenzollern.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"The new Bolsheviks," says <i>The Philatelist</i>, "are + fetching eight shillings a pair." It doesn't say where they are + fetching it from, but it is clear that he loot business has + declined since the days of the old Bolsheviks.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The United States Government has purchased four million + pounds of frozen chickens for the American army. They are to be + tested by inspectors before shipment to determine whether they + are edible. What is known in scientific circles as the Soho + standard of resilience will probably be applied.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Burglars have broken into an East End moneylender's office. + It is not known definitely how much they lost.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The five hundred pounds in notes recently lost by a London + hotel guest have now been recovered. It appears that a waiter + had mistaken them for a gratuity.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Metropolitan police are trying to establish the identity + of a man who can give no account of himself and who knows + nothing about the War. The fact that he was not wearing red + tabs only adds to the mystery.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Some men dance the Jazz dance," says a contemporary, + "because it is stimulating." It is not known why the others do + it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A squirrel having been stolen from the Zoo, it is said that + the authorities are taking no further risks, and that in future + all lions and tigers will be securely chained to their + cages.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is reported that a much-advertised motor-car, after + having its engine removed, ran for seven miles on its + reputation alone.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>With reference to the report that a service man had received + a letter from the Intelligence Department admitting that a + certain mistake was due to a clerical error, it is now reported + that this admission was due to another oversight.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A terrible tragedy was only just averted last week, when a + husband, who had travelled from the City by tube, and his wife, + who had been to the Spring bargain sales, failed to recognise + each other on their return home.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The War Office, the Board of Trade and the Zoo have formed a + Triple Alliance for a campaign against rats. As a result of + this it is said that quite a number of the more timid rodents + are afraid to go out alone after dark.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Society of Public Analysts has been asked by the Food + Ministry to define a sausage. A number of pedigree sausages are + to be submitted for classification.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Minister of Foreign Affairs in the late Bavarian Soviet + Government has been placed in a lunatic asylum. The reason for + this invidious distinction is not assigned.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Mr. CHURCHILL on the Hull Election:</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Nothing in these reactions should be taken by the + Government as in any way deflecting them from their clear + and definite course of reviving the posterity of this + country."—<i>Daily Telegraph</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>All very well, but they must get it born first.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/313.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/313.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <table summary="Cow" + align="center" + width="100%"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="50%" + align="center" + valign="top"><i>Old-fashioned humorous Cow</i> + (<i>suddenly</i>). "Moo!"</td> + + <td width="50%" + align="center" + valign="top"><i>Lady</i> (<i>who all last year + was a land-worker</i>). "Pooh!"</td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page314" + id="page314"></a>[pg 314]</span> + + <h2>"MUTABILE SEMPER."</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">To such as have a humorous bent</p> + + <p class="i4">Pleasant indeed it was to cull</p> + + <p class="i2">From rival organs what was meant</p> + + <p class="i4">By the enlightened vote of Hull;</p> + + <p>What process of the mind (if any) drove her</p> + + <p>To execute that ludicrous turn-over.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Some held the Peace was too severe,</p> + + <p class="i4">And others not severe enough;</p> + + <p class="i2">The latter cried, "The cause is + clear—</p> + + <p class="i4">LLOYD GEORGE is made of flabby + stuff;"</p> + + <p>The former took the line that he had blundered</p> + + <p>In letting Fritz (their friend) be grossly + "plundered."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Then came a still small voice which + said,</p> + + <p class="i4">"The thing that sent the coupon West</p> + + <p class="i2">Was Woman; something in her head</p> + + <p class="i4">Told her that second thoughts were + best;</p> + + <p>To Party laws she hasn't learnt to knuckle</p> + + <p>(This was the view advanced by Mr. BUCKLE).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">"Men know a 'pledge's' worth by now;</p> + + <p class="i4">They take it with a touch of salt;</p> + + <p class="i2">To Woman 'tis a sacred vow,</p> + + <p class="i4">And for the least alleged default</p> + + <p>She gives her Chosen One no minute's grace,</p> + + <p>But treats it like a breach-of-promise case."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">O "Ministering Angels," ye</p> + + <p class="i4">Who yet are mobile as the breeze,</p> + + <p class="i2">Have you alone the right to be</p> + + <p class="i4">"Uncertain, coy and hard to please?"</p> + + <p>Our Ministerial Angels (GEORGE and kind)—</p> + + <p>Aren't they allowed, poor males, to change their + mind?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE SPOIL-SPORT.</h2> + + <p>Mr. Phillybag was demobilised. The Day had come. For months + he had dreamed of the possibility—had imagined the joy + and alacrity with which he would doff his cap, tunic and + trousers, service dress, one each, and resume the decent + broadcloth of a successful City solicitor. Strangely enough, + however, once he was actually demobilised he found himself in + no hurry to lose the garb which showed that he, Mr. Phillybag, + had helped, you know, to put the kybosh on the KAISER. He was + proud too of the corporal's stripes which he had gained in a + very short Army career.</p> + + <p>That explains why he was in uniform this morning in his + office, when he opened a letter from Ernest Williams, his + former junior clerk. He remembered Williams well—how in + the early days of the War that youth had seen Lord KITCHENER + point his finger from the hoardings at him, and there and then, + discovering that the Ordnance Department possessed a cap, size + 6-7/8, which fitted him, had followed instructions and + immediately commenced to wear it. Now he had written to Mr. + Phillybag to inform him that, as he expected to be demobilised + shortly, he was calling at eleven o'clock to discuss the + question of re-entering his employ.</p> + + <p>Mr. Phillybag rubbed his hands together in satisfaction. He + was looking forward to the interview. Since Armistice Day he + had read every article he could find written on the subject of + demobilisation and its humours; consequently he knew exactly + what he was expected to do. When Williams entered, in all the + glory of a Captain's stars, perhaps even a Major's crown, the + ribbon of the D.S.O. or the M.C., or both, on his breast, he, + Corporal Phillybag, would spring smartly to attention, salute + and address his junior clerk as "Sir."</p> + + <p>He chuckled with delight as he visualised the piquant scene. + Reseating himself, he would briskly resume his interrupted work + for a moment while be kept his superior officer waiting. + Then—</p> + + <p>"Mr. Williams to see you, Sir," said one of his clerks.</p> + + <p>"Show him in at once."</p> + + <p>On his appearance Mr. Phillybag suffered a slight recoil, + but recovered himself quickly and exchanged embarrassed + greetings. An awkward pause followed. At length Mr. Phillybag + broke it.</p> + + <p>"Williams," he said severely, "I'm surprised at you. Who + ever heard of an employee returning to civil life from the Army + with a lower rank than the one his employer holds? Four years + in khaki and only a lance-corporal! You've spoiled my whole + morning. It's men with careers like yours who make the + profession of humorous journalism so precarious."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A SOUVENIR OF COLOGNE.</h2> + + <p>"Am I really awake, or is it all a beautiful dream?" I said, + pinching myself to make sure.</p> + + <p>At the other end of the room an unmistakably German band was + playing "Roses of Picardy," while all around me German waiters + were running about deferentially, with trays in their hands. + Even as I wondered one of them approached and laid the bill on + my table with a friendly smile and "Tree mark, bleesir."</p> + + <p>Then I remembered that I was at the British Officers' Club + in Cologne.</p> + + <p>"How interested they will be at home," I thought, "when they + know where I am. And of course I must send them souvenirs of my + Watch on the Rhine;" and thoughtfully I produced from my pocket + some local tram-tickets, kept for the younger members of the + family, and patted a box of two-penny cigars encouragingly. + These I was going to send to my brother.</p> + + <p>Then I rose and, paying the bill, went out to purchase a + suitable memento for a younger sister. Slowly I wandered along + the crowded Hohestrasse in the direction of the Opera House, + peering into the shop-windows for something redolent of the + land I was in. Presently a bright-looking sweetshop attracted + me. The window contained a beautiful selection of + chocolate-boxes, with pictures of the Cathedral or the Rhine + Maidens on the lids. In I went and selected a handsome sample, + bound with red plush and bordered with sea-shells. But it was + empty. "Nix sweets," said the girl behind the counter, and + offered me the alternative of a bun. Nothing doing, and I + passed on.</p> + + <p>Further along the street I stopped before a chemist's shop + to regard a huge pyramid of bottles of eau-de-Cologne displayed + in the window.</p> + + <p>"The very thing," I said to myself. "What more appropriate + souvenir than a bottle of the local produce?"</p> + + <p>That was ten days ago, and this morning I received the + following letter:—.</p> + + <p>"Thank you <i>so</i> much for the scent; it was sweet of + you, and arrived safely, only I don't think it <i>quite</i> so + nice as the <i>real</i> eau-de-Cologne which I buy at Brown's + shop [Brown is the village grocer] for three-and-nine a bottle. + And he says they must have taken you in properly with a German + imitation called eau-de-<i>Köln</i>, and expects you had + to pay a pretty penny for it, though I hope you didn't, poor + boy."</p> + + <p>Reader, I ask you.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"INFLUENZA EPIDEMIC—PUBLIC MEETING.</p> + + <p>"In order to comply with the regulations of the Board of + Health, each person attending the meeting must occupy 25 + sq. feet space."—<i>Australian Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>"Let me have men about me that are fat."—<i>Julius + Cæsar</i>.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page315" + id="page315"></a>[pg 315]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/315.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/315.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE CHEERFUL PACHYDERM.</h3>ELEPHANT (<i>faintly + intrigued</i>). "WHO'S THAT TICKLING ME?" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page316" + id="page316"></a>[pg 316]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/316.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/316.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>PEACE PREPARATIONS.</h3> + + <p><i>Music-hall Artist</i> (<i>to partner</i>). "I RECKON + WE OUGHT TO INTRODUCE SOME NEW FEATURE INTO THE TURN, WITH + PEACE COMIN'."</p> + + <p><i>Partner</i>. "AH, I'VE BEEN THINKING OF IT TOO. WHAT + ABAHT PINK FACINGS FOR OUR EVENING DRESS?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE BLUE HAT.</h2> + + <p>Nancy came softly into my study and stood at the side of the + desk, where I was busy with some work on account of which I had + stayed away from the office that morning.</p> + + <p>"Do you like it?" she said.</p> + + <p>I felt a momentary anxiety as I looked up. I had made a bad + mistake only a little time before, having waxed enthusiastic + over what I took to be a new blouse when it was a question of + hair-dressing, the blouse having been worn by my wife, so she + solemnly averred, "every evening for the last two months."</p> + + <p>But this time no mistake was possible. You don't go about + the house at eleven o'clock on a cold Spring morning fancifully + arrayed in a pale blue hat with white feathery things sticking + out all round it, unless there is a particular reason for so + doing.</p> + + <p>"I think it's a delightful hat," I said, "and suits you + splendidly. But I thought you never wore blue?"</p> + + <p>"I don't," said Nancy; "that's what makes me rather + doubtful. I didn't really mean to buy it at all. I went in to + Marguerite's—you know, that heavenly shop at the corner + of the square"—I nodded; of course I knew + Marguerite's—"to ask the price of a jade-green jumper + they had in the window—oh, my dear, a perfect angel of a + jumper!—and they showed me this. That red-haired + assistant almost <i>made</i> me buy it; said she had never seen + me in a hat that suited me so well; and really it wasn't so + very dear. But I <i>was</i> a little doubtful. + However—"</p> + + <p>"She was quite right," I said very decidedly. "Did you get + the what-you-may-call-it—the other thing?"</p> + + <p>Nancy's face expressed poignant anguish.</p> + + <p>"Twelve guineas," she said. "I simply couldn't run to it. Of + course I was heart-broken. Still, it wasn't as if I really + needed anything just now. It would have been ridiculous + extravagance. But it really was an angel."</p> + + <p>She turned to go, stopping a moment on the way out to have + another look at herself in the little round mirror over the + mantel-piece.</p> + + <p>"I'm not quite happy about it," I heard her murmur as she + went out.</p> + + <p>The next morning I found a letter waiting for me at the + office which brought me news of a totally unexpected windfall + of some fifty odd pounds. It was a sunny morning, too, with a + distinct feeling of Spring in the air.</p> + + <p>I felt like being extravagant, and my mind flew at once to + Nancy and her jade-green—what was the name of the + thing?—that she had wanted so badly.</p> + + <p>I left the office early, and on my way home managed to + summon up sufficient courage to carry me through the discreetly + curtained doors of Madame Marguerite's <i>recherché</i> + establishment, devoutly hoping that the nervous sinking which I + felt about my heart was not reflected in my outer + demeanour.</p> + + <p>The red-haired girl, in spite of a curiously detached and + supercilious air, as who should say, "Take it or leave it; it + concerns me not in the least," which at first rather alarmed + me, was really quite kind and helpful.</p> + + <p>"Something in jade-green that Moddom admired? A hat + perhaps?"</p> + + <p>No, I knew it was not a hat. I murmured something about + twelve guineas. This seemed to be enlightening.</p> + + <p>Ah, yes, a jumper probably. They had had a jade-green jumper + at that price, she believed. If I would sit down for a moment + she would send someone to see if it were still + unsold.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page317" + id="page317"></a>[pg 317]</span> + + <p>I felt very anxious while I waited, but the emissary + presently returned with the garment over her arm.</p> + + <p>Yes, that was undoubtedly the one. She remembered how much + Moddom had admired it. It had suited Moddom so well too.</p> + + <p>While it was being packed up, for I decided to take it with + me, a small boy arrived with several hat-boxes, which he put + down on the floor.</p> + + <p>Red-hair proceeded to unpack them, carefully, almost + reverently, extracting the hats from the folds of surrounding + tissue-paper and placing them one by one in various cupboards + and drawers. Presently she drew forth from one of the + boxes—I felt sure I was not mistaken—that very blue + hat which I had admired only the day before upon the head of my + wife.</p> + + <p>I gave an involuntary exclamation. Red-hair looked at + me.</p> + + <p>"Surely," I said, feeling inwardly rather proud at + recognising it again—"surely that hat is exactly like one + that my wife bought yesterday."</p> + + <p>Red-hair was hurt. "It is the same hat," she said coldly. + "We never make two models alike."</p> + + <p>I tried to mollify her. "I can't understand her sending it + back," I said. "I think it's an extremely pretty hat, and it + suits her so well. But perhaps there was some alteration + necessary. It may not have quite fitted or something?"</p> + + <p>Red-head dived gracefully into the box and drew forth a note + from the tissue-paper billows.</p> + + <p>A faint flicker expressive of I knew not what hidden emotion + seemed to pass for one moment over her aristocratic features as + she read it. But it vanished instantaneously, and she turned to + me with her previous air of haughty and imperturbable + aloofness.</p> + + <p>"Moddom is not keeping the hat," she said.</p> + + <p>I felt somehow a little snubbed, and said no more, and, my + parcel appearing at this moment, I paid and departed.</p> + + <p>Nancy's joy over the jumper more than came up to my + expectations. When she had calmed down a little I bethought + myself of the matter of the hat.</p> + + <p>"Oh, yes," said Nancy in reply to my question, "I sent it + back after all. It won't matter in the least now that you have + bought this."</p> + + <p>"But why didn't you keep it?" I said.</p> + + <p>"Well, I really felt I didn't like it so very much," said + Nancy, "and, as you didn't seem quite to like it + either—"</p> + + <p>"My dear girl," I protested, "I told you I thought it was + charming."</p> + + <p>"Well, anyway you said that blue didn't suit me," persisted + my wife. "You <i>did</i>, George."</p> + + <p>There was a moment's pause. It was no use saying anything. + Suddenly Nancy jumped up and clutched me by the arm.</p> + + <p>"George," she said anxiously, "you didn't, you didn't say + anything about that hat to the girl in the shop, did you?"</p> + + <p>"I believe I mentioned that I thought it was extremely + pretty, and that I was sorry you weren't keeping it," I replied + airily. "But why?" For my wife's face had suddenly assumed an + expression of horrified dismay.</p> + + <p>"I shall never be able to go into that shop again," she + wailed, "never. I wrote them a note saying that I was not + keeping the hat because <i>my husband very much disliked + it</i>, and that I didn't care ever to wear anything of which + he didn't approve."</p> + + <p>What is really very unfair about the whole thing is that I + know that Nancy thinks me entirely to blame. Indeed she told me + so. When I ventured to point out that she had not been quite + truthful in the matter she was at first genuinely and honestly + amazed, and subsequently so indignant that I was fain + ultimately to apologise.</p> + + <p>In looking back upon the episode I am filled with admiration + for the red-haired girl. I consider that she showed + extraordinary self-restraint in what must have been a + peculiarly tempting situation.</p> + + <p>R.F.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/317.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/317.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Raw Hand</i> (<i>at sea for first time and observing + steamer's red and green lights</i>). "'ERE'S SOME LIGHTS ON + THE STARBOARD SIDE, SIR."</p> + + <p><i>Officer</i>. "WELL, WHAT IS IT?"</p> + + <p><i>R.H</i>. "LOOKS TO ME LIKE A CHEMIST'S SHOP, + SIR."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page318" + id="page318"></a>[pg 318]</span> + + <h2>SMALL-TALK.</h2> + + <p>"Of course you must come," said Mary; "it's nonsense to say + you can't dance."</p> + + <p>Mary is married to my first cousin, Thomas. I looked at + Thomas, but saw no hope of support. Thomas labours under the + delusion that he can jazz.</p> + + <p>"It isn't only the dancing," I protested; "it's the + conversational strain. Besides, as one of the original founders + of the League to Minimise Gossip amongst General Staff + Officers—"</p> + + <p>"Rot!" said Thomas; "you simply let your partners do the + talking. You needn't even listen. Just say 'Quite' in your most + official tone whenever you hear them saying nothing."</p> + + <p>Thomas, although my first cousin, is not bright; but I had + to go.</p> + + <p>For the first few dances I escaped; the crowd round the door + was so dense that I saw at once that I should be trampled to + death if I attempted to enter. Then I was caught by Mary and + introduced to a total stranger.</p> + + <p>I suppose there are people who do not mind kicking a total + stranger round the room to the strain of cymbals, a motor siren + and a frying-pan. I fancy the lady expressed a desire to stop, + but as her words were lost in the orchestral pandemonium I + realised that as long as the dulcet chords continued + conversation was impossible; so we danced on.</p> + + <p>Fortunately too, when the interval came, she was full of + small-talk.</p> + + <p>"Isn't the floor good? And I always like this band."</p> + + <p>"Quite," said I.</p> + + <p>"Rather sporting of the Smythe-Joneses to give a dance."</p> + + <p>"Quite," said I.</p> + + <p>"Especially when their eldest boy, the one, you know, who + was so frightfully good at golf or something, has just got into + a mess with—"</p> + + <p>"Quite," said I, while she plunged into a flood of + reminiscences. She did not ask whether I could jazz, mainly, I + think, because I had already danced with her. I concentrated my + thoughts on the best means of avoiding Mary when the music + began again, and just threw in an occasional "Quite" to keep + the lady in a good temper.</p> + + <p>But there was no escaping Mary.</p> + + <p>"You <i>must</i> go and dance with Miss Carter," she told + me, adducing incontrovertible arguments. I am terrified of Miss + Carter, who can only be described as "statuesque" and always + does the right thing (which makes her crushing to the verge of + discourtesy). I am always being asked if I know whether she is + "only twenty-two." It was not without satisfaction that I + initiated her into my style of dancing.</p> + + <p>To my horror, when we stopped she sat in silence, regarding + me with an air of expectant boredom. I racked my brains.</p> + + <p>"Good floor, isn't it?" said I.</p> + + <p>"Quite," said Miss Carter.</p> + + <p>"Jolly good band too."</p> + + <p>"Quite," said Miss Carter.</p> + + <p>"And rather sporting of the Smythe-Joneses, don't you + think?"</p> + + <p>She said it again. By this time I felt convinced that all + the other couples within hearing were listening to us. Miss + Carter is that sort of person.</p> + + <p>"Of course," I said with a nervous laugh, "it's rather + absurd for me to say anything about it, because, you know, + dancing isn't much in my line."</p> + + <p>"Quite," said Miss Carter.</p> + + <p>That settled it; I felt I must stop her at all costs. I + cleared my throat and spoke as distinctly as I could.</p> + + <p>"I'm always being asked a conundrum, Miss Carter, and you're + the one person who can tell me the true answer. Am I permitted + to ask it?"</p> + + <p>"Quite," said Miss Carter, for the first time almost + smiling. I plucked up courage.</p> + + <p>"It's this: how old are you?"</p> + + <p>She stopped herself just in time. Her answer was given in a + tone which expressed at the same time her contempt for my + breach of the conventions and the fact that she was too + indifferent to think me worth snubbing.</p> + + <p>"Twenty-two," said she.</p> + + <p>"Quite," said I.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/318.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/318.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p>"HOW WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR HAIR DONE, MADAM?"</p> + + <p>"WELL, I WANT TO GET IT DEBOBBED AS SOON AS + POSSIBLE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE CAREER (POSTPONED).</h2> + + <p>MY DEAR JAMES,—A few weeks ago I wrote to tell you + that ere long the military machine would be able to spare one + of its cogs—myself. I discussed possible careers in civil + life, and since then I had almost decided on "filbert-grower." + Had things gone well, by the beginning of June you should have + received a first instalment of forced filberts.</p> + + <p>Now this cannot be. The cog is shown to be indispensable. I + must remain a soldier.</p> + + <p>Why do they want me, James? I am nothing like a soldier. I + cannot click my heels as other men do. I try, Heaven knows how + I try, but all the C.O. hears is a sound as of two cabbages + being slapped together. And my word of command! The critics say + it is like a cry for help in a London fog.</p> + + <p>My haversack contains no trace of any Field-Marshal's baton. + You are aware that every private soldier's haversack is issued + complete with "Batons, one, Field-Marshal (potential), for the + use of." But there is no authority for such an issue for + commissioned ranks.</p> + + <p>Is it because of my manner with men and my powers as a + disciplinarian? I fear not. If a man is brought before me for + summary jurisdiction a lump rises in my throat and I want to + cry. I am always sure he didn't mean to do it. As for military + law, I am shaky on the fines for drunkenness, and I don't feel + at all sure whether death at dawn or two extra fatigues is the + maximum punishment for having one string of the hold-all longer + than the other when on active service.</p> + + <p>When I kicked the bell-push towards the end of last + guest-night the Adjutant said he should mark me down for the + job of Physical Training Officer; but I hope he was only + joking. I am not <span class="pagenum"><a name="page319" + id="page319"></a>[pg 319]</span> built for the work. My + frame is puny and my countenance irresolute. I hate bending + and stretching my arms; they creak and frighten me. I never + could squat on my heels like a thingummy.</p> + + <p>I might, if allowed, make a hit as Messing Officer. With the + aid of my Cookery Course notes I can differentiate between no + fewer than thirty-four different types of rissole. + Unfortunately we already have a Messing Officer of deadly + efficiency. He can classify dripping by instinct. He can + memorise at sight all the revolting contents of a swill-tub. My + rissole lore is a poor asset in comparison.</p> + + <p>No, James, I think I have it. One day you will read that our + Armies of Occupation consist of so many hundred thousands of + all ranks, including, perhaps, 35,001 officers. That is why + they retain me. I shall be the "1" at the end of the thousands. + It is your humble servant's function to keep the Armies of + Occupation up to strength.</p> + + <p>Are we to be robbed of the fruits of victory? The reply is + in the negative. Therefore, when next June comes along and you + yearn for the early filberts, do not be fretty. Remember that I + am gathering in fruits of another and a nobler kind. Yours + ever,</p> + + <p>WILLIAM.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/319.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/319.png" + alt="" /></a>"SORRY, MUM, BUT I'M AFRAID YOU'LL 'AVE + TER STAY UPSTAIRS 'COS THE AFFILIATED SOCIETY OF + PIANNER-SHIFTERS 'AS CALLED A GENERAL STRIKE THIS + MINNIT." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>NEW BREAD FOR OLD.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["New Bread Again"—"Loaves of Any + Shape."—<i>Headlines from a Daily Paper</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As I walked forth in Baker Street</p> + + <p class="i2">As sober as a Quaker,</p> + + <p>Whom did I have the luck to meet?</p> + + <p class="i2">I met a jolly Baker.</p> + + <p>His voice was gay, his eye was bright,</p> + + <p class="i2">His step was light and airy,</p> + + <p>His face and arms were powdered white—</p> + + <p class="i2">I think he was a fairy;</p> + + <p>He danced beneath the April moon,</p> + + <p class="i2">And as he danced he trolled</p> + + <p>Wild snatches of an ancient rune,</p> + + <p>Yet all the burden of his tune</p> + + <p class="i2">Was "New—Bread—for Old!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Quoth I: "Whence got you, lad, a heart</p> + + <p class="i2">So glad that you must show it?"</p> + + <p>Quoth he: "The Baker hath his art</p> + + <p class="i2">No less, Sir, than the Poet;</p> + + <p>I tell ye, I'm so blithe to-night</p> + + <p class="i2">I'd paint the old Moon's orb red!</p> + + <p>Oh, think ye that I took delight</p> + + <p class="i2">For years in baking war-bread?</p> + + <p>One shape, one colour and one size,</p> + + <p class="i2">By Government controlled?</p> + + <p>But now all this to limbo flies;</p> + + <p>What wonder that to-night I cries</p> + + <p class="i2">'New—Bread—for Old?'</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Good Sir, the Baker hath a soul</p> + + <p class="i2">And loves to make bread + pleasant—</p> + + <p>The Twist, the long Vienna Roll,</p> + + <p class="i2">The Horseshoe and the Crescent,</p> + + <p>The Milk, the Tin, the lovely loaf</p> + + <p class="i2">Where currants one discovers,</p> + + <p>The Wholemeal for the country oaf,</p> + + <p class="i2">The Knot for all true lovers.</p> + + <p>So, till upon the glowing East</p> + + <p class="i2">The sun in red and gold</p> + + <p>Comes forth to bake the daily feast,</p> + + <p>I'll cry with heart as light as yeast,</p> + + <p class="i2">'New—Bread—for Old!'"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>The Modern Icarus.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"After an hour's flight over the frozen Conception Bay + and the town of St. John's, Mr. Hawker made a perfect + landing. He appeared more than over confident of + success."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p>"General admiration and sympathy is extended to Mr. + Tawker due to his frankness regarding his progress towards + making the trans-ocean flight."—<i>Sunday + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We trust our contemporaries are not in a conspiracy to + represent the gallant aviator as a hot-air man.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Presently, when aviation becomes a commonplace, the + fares will come down."—<i>Daily Dispatch</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>That's just what makes us so nervous.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page320" + id="page320"></a>[pg 320]</span> + + <h2>PEACE TERMS.</h2> + + <h3>BEING SOME LETTERS OF MRS. PARTINGTON TO HER SISTER.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Conferences between mistresses and servants are being + held in various parts of the country to discuss terms of + peace in the domestic world.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Puddleford</i>.</p> + + <p>DEAR MOIRA,—We haven't got a servant yet, but we are + clutching at a new hope. There is to be a conference here + between mistresses and maids, to discuss and readjust the + servants' rights and the mistresses' wrongs—or is it the + other way about? Anyhow, I shall attend that conference. I + shall bribe, plead, consent to any arrangement if I can but net + a cook-general. Ten months of doing my own washing-up has + brought me to my knees, while Harry says the performance of + menial duties has crushed his spirit.</p> + + <p>Of course, Harry does make such a fuss of things. You might + think, to hear him talk, that the getting up of coal, lighting + fires, chopping wood and cleaning flues was the entire work of + a household, instead of being mere incidents in the daily + routine. If he had to tackle <i>my</i> duties—but men + never seem to understand how much there is to do in a + house.</p> + + <p>I will tell you about the conference when I write again.</p> + + <p>Yours always, DODO.</p> + + <p><i>Puddleford</i>.</p> + + <p>DEAR MOIRA,—The conference was a most interesting + affair; the one going on in Paris could never be half so + thrilling. There was a goodly attendance of servants, and they + had their own spokeswoman. We spoke for ourselves—those + of us who were not too dazed at the sight of so many + "treasures" almost within our grasp.</p> + + <p>What the servants wanted was not unreasonable. They chiefly + demanded a certain time to themselves during the day, with + fixed hours for meals, evening free, etc.</p> + + <p>Then Mrs. Boydon-Spoute got up—you know how that woman + loves to hear herself talk—and said that such demands + were outrageous. (It's easy for her to raise objections. She + has somehow paralysed her two servants into staying with her + for over ten years.) She pointed out that under such conditions + the servant would have more freedom than the mistress; and to + allow the working classes to thus get the upper hand was + nothing short of encouraging Bolshevism in the home. Dreadful + thing to say, wasn't it?</p> + + <p>The servants got rather restive at that. When I thought of + the two days' washing-up waiting for me at home I retorted with + spirit that servants had as much right to freedom as we, and it + was our duty to guard their interests—and lots of + inspired things like that, glaring at Mrs. Boydon-Spoute the + while.</p> + + <p>I spoke so well that a cook-general offered herself to me as + soon as the conference was over. She comes in on Monday.</p> + + <p>Yours in transports, DODO.</p> + + <p><i>Puddleford</i>.</p> + + <p>DEAR MOIRA,—Emma, the new maid, has arrived. Harry is + as relieved as I am and was quite cheerful while I was dressing + the gash he had inflicted on his hand while chopping wood. + Isn't it strange that men can never give the slightest + assistance in the house without getting themselves hurt in some + way?</p> + + <p>Emma promises to be a treasure. If mistresses would only + show a little humanity there never would be any servant trouble + at all. It is people like Mrs. Boydon-Spoute who are + responsible for it.</p> + + <p>Yours, purring content, DODO.</p> + + <p><i>Puddleford.</i></p> + + <p>DEAR MOIRA,—I am sorry not to have written for such a + long time. I have been so extremely busy.</p> + + <p>You see, when Emma has had her two hours free daily, her + hour-and-a-half off for dinner, with half-an-hour for other + meals, every evening out as well as two afternoons a week, you + would be surprised what little leisure is left to her for the + housework.</p> + + <p>She gets in what she can, of course, and I do the rest. + Doing the rest, by the way, takes up a great deal of my time. + But I generally have an hour free in the evenings.</p> + + <p>Your brave DODO.</p> + + <p><i>Puddleford</i>.</p> + + <p>DEAR MOIRA,—I am glad to say Emma has gone and I am + putting my name down at a registry-office in the usual way. + It's too much of a strain having "conference" girls in the + home.</p> + + <p>Who was it said that if we are to allow the working classes + to get the upper hand it was nothing short of encouraging + Bolshevism in the home? Anyhow, I think he—or perhaps it + was she—must be right.</p> + + <p>I must close rather hastily. I have just heard a terrific + crash in the kitchen; I'm afraid Harry has dropped something on + his foot <i>again</i>.</p> + + <p>Your long-suffering DODO.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Mr. ——, like a fatherly hen, hovered over + all, satisfying himself that nothing had been omitted that + could detract from their comfort."—<i>Egyptian + Mail.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We cannot imagine any hen, however unsexed, behaving like + that.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>RHYMES OF RANK.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Vice-Admirals command a base;</p> + + <p>Their forms blend dignity with grace.</p> + + <p>You never see the smallest trace</p> + + <p>Of levity upon the face</p> + + <p>Of one who wears a Vice's lace.</p> + + <p>For Admirals to romp and race</p> + + <p>Or frolic in a public place</p> + + <p>Is held to be a great disgrace;</p> + + <p>I do not think a single case</p> + + <p>Of this has happened at our base.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Commodore, the Commodore</p> + + <p>Is very popular ashore;</p> + + <p>He can relate an endless store</p> + + <p>Of yarns which scarcely ever bore</p> + + <p>Till they are told three times or more.</p> + + <p>The ladies young and old adore</p> + + <p>This man who bathed in Teuton gore</p> + + <p>And practically won the War;</p> + + <p>But once, a fact I much deplore,</p> + + <p>A General was heard to snore</p> + + <p>While seated near the Commodore.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Captain dwells aloof, alone;</p> + + <p>He has a cabin of his own;</p> + + <p>And should the smallest nose be blown,</p> + + <p>Though softly and with dulcet tone,</p> + + <p>In earshot of this sacred zone</p> + + <p>The very ship herself would groan.</p> + + <p>Yes, Captains (though but flesh and bone</p> + + <p>Like little snotties, be it known)</p> + + <p>Are best severely left alone.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Commanders are a stern-eyed folk</p> + + <p>Who may or may not take a joke;</p> + + <p>It really isn't safe to poke</p> + + <p>Light fun at any three-ringed bloke;</p> + + <p>You may be sorry that you spoke.</p> + + <p>Their ways are proud; they sport the oak;</p> + + <p>They are not tame enough to stroke;</p> + + <p>I greatly dread these grim-eyed folk.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Lieutenants of the R.N.V.</p> + + <p>Were born and bred on land, not sea,</p> + + <p>And ancient mariners like me</p> + + <p>With sly grimace and winks of glee</p> + + <p>Would watch them when the winds blew free,</p> + + <p>Or send them down a cup of tea.</p> + + <p>But soon their deeds became their plea</p> + + <p>For standing with the Big Navee</p> + + <p>In equal fame and dignity:</p> + + <p>While even Subs. R.N. agree</p> + + <p>They're better than they used to be,</p> + + <p>These Looties of the R.N.V.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sub-Loots are nothing if not sports;</p> + + <p>The nicest girls in all the ports</p> + + <p>Declare they are the best of sorts</p> + + <p>And useful on the tennis-courts.</p> + + <p>In gun-rooms, where their rank resorts,</p> + + <p>They bandy quips and shrewd retorts,</p> + + <p>And swig champagne, not pints but quarts.</p> + + <p>I said at first that they were sports.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page321" + id="page321"></a>[pg 321]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/321.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/321.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Headmaster</i> (<i>interviewing new boy</i>). "AT + WHAT SCHOOL WERE YOU LAST, MY BOY?"</p> + + <p><i>New Boy</i>. "P-P-PLEASE, SIR, AT A ST-T-T-TAMMERING + T-TUTOR'S"; (<i>feels he is not making the best of + himself</i>) "B-BUT THEY T-TAUGHT OTHER THINGS BESIDES + ST-T-T-TAMMERING."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>WITH THE RED GUARDS.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>A good deal of curiosity exists regarding the management + of the Bolshevik army, in which it is stated that + discipline does not exist. A copy of Battalion Orders may + therefore be of interest:</p> + </blockquote> + + <h3><i>BATTALION ORDERS</i></h3> + + <h4>BY MAJOR TROTOFF</h4> + + <h4>(Commanding the 22nd Battalion the Red Guards).</h4> + + <p>(1) DETAIL.</p> + + <p>Disorderly Officer—LOOT VODKAWITCH.</p> + + <p>Next for duty (if so disposed): LOOT PUTAWAYSKY.</p> + + <p>(2) PARADES.</p> + + <p>The Battalion (or such of it as has no other engagement) + will parade as strong as possible on the Peter-and-Paulsky + Prospekt, at 10.30 A.M. for 9.30 A.M.</p> + + <p>DRESS.</p> + + <p>Barging order, with rifles, razors, knives, pokers and + horsewhips.</p> + + <p>The following scheme will be carried out:—</p> + + <p><i>General Idea</i>.—A few families of the Bourgeois + class have taken up a position in certain cellars in West End + of City. Patrols report that they still possess a few + valuables.</p> + + <p><i>Special Idea</i>.—The O.C. invites the Battalion to + occupy district and help itself.</p> + + <p>(3) COMMAND.</p> + + <p>The Second in Command of this unit regrets to announce that + he found it necessary to sentence his Commanding Officer to + forty-two days No. 1 F.P. for attempting to maintain + discipline; the Second in Command therefore assumes command of + this unit in the absence of the C.O. now serving sentence.</p> + + <p>(4) COURSE.</p> + + <p>Would a few officers mind being detailed for the + hundred-and-twenty-first course in the use of Private House + Grenades, 13th of this month?</p> + + <p>(5) BOOTS, BOLSHEVISTS FOR THE USE OF, ISSUE OF.</p> + + <p>The Quartermaster would be greatly obliged if private + gentlemen of the Battalion requiring boots would favour him + with a visit at any time during the day or night.</p> + + <p>If not inconvenient to them it would be a kindness if they + let him know what they take.</p> + + <h4>NOTICE.</h4> + + <p>The Officer at present in command of the Battalion has + pleasure in announcing that the private residence of the + Commanding Officer, which contains a large number of objects of + great beauty and value, is through its owner's unavoidable + absence at present unguarded.</p> + + <p>In these circumstances the O.C. is pleased to grant an + extension to all ranks until twelve midnight.</p> + + <p>P. PIPSKY,</p> + + <p><i>Captain and Agitant</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A Super-Mormon.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A Nelson soldier in a letter states that General + —— informed his unit that he had 2,000 wives to + ship out to New Zealand, and another 2,000 would be ready + to leave England during the next few months."—<i>New + Zealand Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There was an industrial freak,</p> + + <p>As a labourer sadly to seek;</p> + + <p class="i2">But he leapt into fame</p> + + <p class="i2">By preferring a claim</p> + + <p>For a general Ten-Minutes' Week.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page322" + id="page322"></a>[pg 322]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/322.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/322.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Vicar</i> (<i>to parishioner who has violent quarrels + with her neighbour</i>), "MRS. CRABBE SENT A MESSAGE THAT + SHE HAS QUITE FORGIVEN YOU. WHAT MESSAGE CAN I TAKE TO + HER?"</p> + + <p><i>Parishioner</i>. "YOU CAN SAY I 'OPE SHE'LL DIE + 'APPY."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>FEARFUL ODDS.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There's no fear that strikes so dumb,</p> + + <p>None so hard to overcome,</p> + + <p>As the thought that there are two</p> + + <p>Eyes that <i>may</i> be watching you.</p> + + <p>Here's a perfect illustration</p> + + <p>Of that sickening sensation.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Young Lieutenant Jimmy Spry's</p> + + <p>Power resided in his eyes;</p> + + <p>He'd been able all his days</p> + + <p>To revolve them different ways.</p> + + <p>For example, let's suppose</p> + + <p>That the right one watched his nose,</p> + + <p>Then the left—you'll think it queer—</p> + + <p>Turned towards his dexter ear.</p> + + <p>But what really made him great</p> + + <p>Was—he always <i>saw</i> things straight.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Out in France, a year ago,</p> + + <p>He was cornered by the foe;</p> + + <p>Neither party had a gun,</p> + + <p>But the odds were three to one</p> + + <p>And the Huns were fit and strong;</p> + + <p>One was lean and very long,</p> + + <p>One was short and stout of calf,</p> + + <p>While the third was half and half.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Jimmy, spoiling for a fight,</p> + + <p>Fixed the short one with his right,</p> + + <p>While his left with martial glare</p> + + <p>Met the long 'un's startled stare;</p> + + <p>But—I know it sounds absurd—</p> + + <p>He was <i>looking</i> at the third.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Jimmy was, I'd have you know,</p> + + <p>Something of a boxing pro.,</p> + + <p>So he knew the golden maxim:</p> + + <p>"He who eyes his man best whacks him."</p> + + <p>Shorty, when he saw the grim</p> + + <p>Optic that was turned on him,</p> + + <p>Thinking Jimmy's fist looked hard</p> + + <p>Prudently remained on guard.</p> + + <p>Canny Hun! And who can blame</p> + + <p>Longshanks if he did the same?</p> + + <p>But our hero, irritated,</p> + + <p>Grassed the third man while they waited.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Filled with rage and anger, both</p> + + <p>Rushed upon him with an oath,</p> + + <p>Eager now to slit the gizzard</p> + + <p>Of that astigmatic wizard,</p> + + <p>Till they noticed with dismay</p> + + <p><i>Both</i> his eyes were far away!</p> + + <p>(One eye sought the earth, while one</p> + + <p>Seemed to contemplate the sun.)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Both stopped dead; the same cold thought</p> + + <p>At their jangling heart-strings caught.</p> + + <p>Longshanks, trembling at the knee,</p> + + <p>Quavered, "Hans, he's watching <i>me</i>!"</p> + + <p>Shorty whimpered, scared to fits,</p> + + <p>"No, it's <i>me</i> he's after, Fritz!"</p> + + <p>Sick with fear, their souls revolted;</p> + + <p>As one man they turned and bolted.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>At them Spry in mild amaze</p> + + <p>(Literally) bent his gaze,</p> + + <p>Sighed, and then without a word</p> + + <p>Wandered homeward with the third.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>BAR BABIES.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Lord Justice BANKS recently referred to the possible + establishment of a Law Courts' <i>crêche</i>, where + the female barrister might leave her young while engaged in + forensic duties.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>From "The Law Times" of 192—.</i></p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A Violent altercation took place yesterday in the room + allotted to infants of the Junior Bar (adjoining the Court + of Pathetic Appeal) between his nurse and little Johnnie, + the teething infant of Mrs. Flapperton, who, by the way, we + noticed being measured only the other day for silk. The + Court Husher having failed to produce silence, Mrs. Justice + Spankhurst had to intervene, and only succeeded in + restoring order by threatening to have the + <i>crêche</i> cleared."</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page323" + id="page323"></a>[pg 323]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/323.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/323.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE RECKONING.</h3>PAN-GERMAN. "MONSTROUS, I CALL IT. + WHY, IT'S FULLY A QUARTER OF WHAT <i>WE</i> SHOULD HAVE + MADE <i>THEM</i> PAY, IF <i>WE</i>'D WON." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page325" + id="page325"></a>[pg 325]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday, April 14th</i>.—The Criminal Injuries + (Ireland) Bill furnished the LORD CHANCELLOR with the text for + a rather gloomy sermon on the present state of the + sister-country. The King's Writ still runs there, but in many + counties is outstripped by the rival <i>fiat</i> of Sinn Fein. + A tribute to the impeccable behaviour of "law-abiding" Ulster + appeared to stir in the breast of Lord CREWE memories of the + pre-war prancings of a certain "Galloper," for he remarked that + the noble lord's information seemed to be "partial and + recent."</p> + + <p>Exception has recently been taken to the cab-shelter in + Palace Yard, some Members objecting that its architectural + design was out of harmony with that of the Houses of + Parliament, and others complaining that its internal + attractions were so great as to seduce the taxi-men from paying + any attention to prospective fares. Sir ALFRED MOND, after long + consideration, has decided to abolish the offending edifice and + to give the drivers a shelter in the Vaults, where the police + will discourage them from exceeding in the matter of "rest and + refreshment."</p> + + <p>Members were naturally eager to hear what Mr. BONAR LAW, + freshly flown from Paris, had to tell them about the Peace + Conference, the prospects of hanging the EX-KAISER, and so + forth, but received little information, save that the + Government shared the popular desire that no legal quibble + should prevent the arch-criminal being brought to justice. + Members were a little comforted, however, by the announcement + that a Committee of the Cabinet is already considering the + whole question of Peace-celebrations. While Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is + engaged (if the image is permitted) in fighting beasts at + Ephesus it is pleasant to think of his colleagues deciding upon + the relative merits of crackers and Catherine-wheels, flares + and bonfires, church-bells and steam-sirens, as means for the + expression of the national joy.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/325.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/325.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>SIR A. MOND AND AN EFFICIENT CAB SERVICE FOR + MEMBERS.</h3>At a blast on whistle the cab-drivers will + down tea-cups, cake, kippers or what-not, and double + smartly on to parade. + </div> + + <p>After the loud orgy of headline which followed upon his + remarkable victory at Central Hull, Commander KENWORTHY might + reasonably have expected that his entry into the House would + have produced an uproarious scene of demonstration and + counter-demonstration. But there was nothing of the kind. The + jubilant "Wee Frees," of course, cheered as one man, but the + volume of sound produced was not appreciably greater than if + one man had cheered; and the crowded Coalitionists sat gloomily + silent, though no doubt they thought a lot. The gallant + Commander has already introduced one pleasing innovation into + the procedure of the House, for, before signing the Roll, he + nodded cheerfully to the ladies in the Gallery, as if to say, + "But for you I shouldn't be here!"</p> + + <p>Sir A. GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN, who at Question-time had + regretfully admitted that the Government were withdrawing + soldiers from agriculture at a moment when they were + particularly required, now moved the Second Reading of the Bill + which is intended to give them the chance of going back to the + land in perpetuity. In spite of his warning that the cost of + the land to be acquired was a comparatively minor part of the + expense, Members vied with one another in denouncing the + iniquity of allowing the land-owner to get the present + market-value of his property; and the landlords' + representatives themselves hastened to declare that such a + preposterous notion never entered their heads. The Bill was + read a second time without a division. I don't suppose it will + provide land for anything approaching the eight hundred + thousand soldiers who are said to be pining for it; but it + ought to satisfy the relatively small proportion who, after + hearing about the trials and hardships of a + small-holder—no forty-eight hours' week for + him!—retain their agricultural aspirations.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, April 15th</i>.—In a couple of hours the + Lords disposed of several Bills, enjoyed a scientific debate on + neurasthenia—described by a correspondent of Lord + KNUTSFORD as "a gas escaping from people"—discussed the + prices of milk and cheese, and still found time for the + consideration of their own procedure. Lord CURZON said the + suggestion that the House should sit on more days in the week + had not been favourably received. Friday would not do, as their + Lordships went out of town on that day, and Monday was equally + inconvenient, as they could not contrive to get back by then. + To earlier sittings the LORD CHANCELLOR objected on behalf of + his legal colleagues. So it looks as if there would be no + change, and since, <i>teste</i> Lord SALISBURY, the House does + its work admirably, why should there be?</p> + + <p>Remembering a famous speech on the presumption of certain + organs of the Press, the Commons were not surprised to learn + from Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, <i>à propos</i> of the beer-tax, + that he is not responsible for what may appear in <i>The + Times</i>.</p> + + <p>There is still something of "the eternal boy" in Major + WEDGWOOD BENN. It was with an air of "Now I've got him" that he + propounded the question, "Is paper a raw material or a + manufactured article?" But Mr. BRIDGEMAN can always solve these + Cobdenite conundrums, and quietly replied, "Both." Whereupon + Major BENN, with an engaging blush, retired from the fray.</p> + + <p>In moving the second reading of the Aliens Restriction Bill + the HOME SECRETARY said that, while national safety must be the + first consideration, no unnecessary hardship should be + inflicted on our foreign immigrants. But his proposal that the + Government should rest contented with its present powers for + another two years met with little favour from Members whose + knowledge of history seems to date from 1914. In the opinion of + Mr. BOTTOMLEY, who led the Opposition, every alien was <i>prima + facie</i> undesirable; Sir ERNEST WILD, from his experience in + the criminal courts, took the same view, and patriotically + demanded the exclusion from our shores of persons whose + principal occupation, we gathered, was to furnish him with + briefs for the defence; and Mr. JOYNSON HICKS, Mr. BILLING and + Sir R. COOPER urged that the SHORTT way with aliens should be + made considerably shorter. Before this massed attack the HOME + SECRETARY gave way and agreed to reduce the operation of the + Bill to one year.</p> + + <p>The temperature of the House rose so appreciably during the + debate as to <span class="pagenum"><a name="page326" + id="page326"></a>[pg 326]</span> upset the nerves of some of + the ladies in the Strangers' Gallery. At least that is the + charitable explanation of the behaviour of Miss SYLVIA + PANKHURST and her friends, who interrupted a discussion on + soldiers' pensions by shouting out, "You are a gang of + murderers!"</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, April 16th</i>.—A crowded House, the + Peers' Gallery full to overflowing, the HEIR-APPARENT over the + Clock, and the new Editor of <i>The Times</i> among the + representatives of the Press—the PRIME MINISTER could + have desired no better setting for his speech upon the labours + of the Peace Conference. His original intention was to hold his + forces in reserve and invite his critics to "fire first," but, + as none of these gentlemen seemed to be particularly anxious to + go "over the top," Mr. LLOYD GEOEGE obligingly altered his + battle-plan and himself delivered the opening fusillade.</p> + + <p>That he was in no apologetic mood was shown in almost his + first sentence. His declaration that indemnities were a + difficult problem, "not to be settled by telegram," evoked + resounding cheers. Thenceforward he held the sympathy of the + House, whether he was describing the difficulties of the Peace + Conference, or reconciling the apparent inconsistencies of its + Russian policy, or inveighing against the attempts of certain + newspapers to sow dissension among the Allies. "I would rather + have a good Peace than a good Press" was one of his most + telling phrases, and it was followed by a character-sketch of + his principal newspaper-critic which in pungency left nothing + to be desired. "What a journalist I could have made of him!" + the recluse of Fontainebleau will doubtless remark when he + reads the passage.</p> + + <p>The PRIME MINISTER'S object, I imagine, was less to impart + information than to create an atmosphere; and he was so far + successful that the House showed little inclination to listen + to other speakers. Nevertheless several of them devoted some + hours to saying nothing in particular before the House + mercifully adjourned for the Easter Recess.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Postmaster-General, in a written answer, states + that arrangements are now in hand for the improvement, + where circumstances permit, of postal services which have + been curtained as a result of war + conditions."—<i>Scots Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>As for the telephone service, we can well believe that he + would prefer the veil to be kept over that.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A GERMLESS EDEN.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The antiseptic baby and the prophylactic pup</p> + + <p>Were playing in the garden when the bunny gambolled + up;</p> + + <p>They looked upon the creature with a loathing + undisguised,</p> + + <p>For he wasn't disinfected and he wasn't + sterilized.</p> + + <p>They said he was a microbe and a hotbed of + disease;</p> + + <p>They steamed him in a vapour of a thousand odd + degrees,</p> + + <p>They froze him in a freezer that was cold as + banished hope,</p> + + <p>They washed him with permanganate and carbolated + soap,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>With sulphuretted hydrogen they bathed his wiggly + ears;</p> + + <p>They trimmed his frisky whiskers with a pair of + hard-boiled shears;</p> + + <p>Then they donned their rubber mittens and they took + him by the hand</p> + + <p>And elected him a member of the fumigated band.</p> + + <p>Now there's not a micrococcus in the garden where + they play</p> + + <p>And they bathe in pure iodoform a dozen times a + day,</p> + + <p>Taking each his daily ration from a hygienic + cup,</p> + + <p>The baby and the bunny and the prophylactic pup.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/326.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/326.png" + alt="" /></a>THE QUESTION OF PEACE CELEBRATIONS IS + BEING CONSIDERED BY A COMMITTEE OF THE CABINET. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Rapid Promotion.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Cpl. A.A.C. Earl of Shaftesbury, K.P., K.C.V.O., + relinquishes his appt. (March 1), and is granted the hon. + rank of Brig.-Gen."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>FROM THE STREET OF ADVENTURE.</h2> + + <p>Journalistic reconstructions and amalgamations have been + proceeding so rapidly and extensively of late that there seems + no end to the kaleidoscopic possibilities of the future.</p> + + <p>Up to the present, however, no confirmation can be obtained + of the startling rumor that <i>The Spectator</i> has been + purchased by the proprietors of <i>The Kennel Gazette</i>, and + will henceforth be devoted to the interests of our four-footed + friends, the supplements being restricted to purely feline + amenities.</p> + + <p>Another persistent rumour, which hitherto lacks the seal of + official corroboration, is to the effect that <i>The + Guardian</i> is to be given a new range of activity as the + organ of scientific spiritualism, under the title of <i>The + Guardian Angel</i> and the joint editorship of Sir Oliver Doyle + and Sir Conan Lodge. The investigations into multiple + consciousness conducted by these two eminent <i>savants</i> + have proved their mutual convertibility to such an extent that + they have decided upon this rearrangement of their names. If + the scheme materialises the stimulating collaboration of Mr. + HAROLD BEGBIE is a foregone conclusion, and there is even a + possibility of contributions from an August Exile somewhere in + Holland.</p> + + <p>A third report maintains with minute circumstantiality that + the proprietors of <i>The Economist</i>, having come to the + conclusion that this journal needs brightening, have decided to + entrust the post of principal leader-writer to "CALLISTHENES," + and retain the services of the authoress of <i>The Tunnel</i> + as financial <i>feuilleton</i> writer. But on enquiry at the + London School of Economics we could not obtain any definite + information.</p> + + <p>The rumours that <i>The Morning Post</i> is about to be + merged in <i>The Winning Post</i>, and that Mr. MAXSE is + starting an evening paper, to be called <i>The Job and + Caviller</i>, are extremely interesting, but need to be + received with a certain amount of caution.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Two-seater Motor-car. 7-9 h.p., in perfect running + order, Bosch magneto, Michelin tyres, spare wheel and + accessories, Axminster and Brussels carpets, stair + carpeting, lino., kitchen utensils, dinner service, copper + chafing dish, pots, pans, lawn mower, deck chairs, &c., + nearly new mangle, and numerous other + effects."—<i>Local Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Just the car for the <i>White Knight</i> when he takes to + motoring.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page327" + id="page327"></a>[pg 327]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/327.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/327.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Excited Officer</i> (<i>in + demobilisation special</i>). "I <i>KNEW</i> THE + COUNTRY WAS GRATEFUL! LOOK AT THAT OLD CHAP WAVING HIS + HOE AT US!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>BABLINGO.</h2> + + <p>It has been suggested to me that the time has come for a + comprehensive investigation of the interesting language known + as Bablingo. Materials for this are ready for use in every home + that still possesses a nursery with an inmate not more than two + years of age. I must premise that it is the inmate's mother and + the inmate's nurse, not the actual inmate, who use the + language. Some day, no doubt, there will arise an investigator + who will reduce to order and catalogue the inchoate efforts of + an infant to make itself understood by talking. These efforts + are doubtless of high interest to the etymologist, but the + difficulties of the task are at present too great, and in any + case I am not the man to undertake it.</p> + + <p>I shall content myself for the moment with setting an + examination paper in Bablingo for the purpose of testing + knowledge. It will differ from most other examinations in + having a further object—namely to supply instruction and + information to the examiner. Later on it may be possible to + construct a grammar, and to append to this a few easy + exercises. It must be remembered, however, that there are great + difficulties to be overcome in such a task. Every home, for + instance, has its own rules for pronunciation. Of these I do + not for my immediate purpose propose to take cognisance.</p> + + <p>Here, then, is a short Bablingo examination paper for the + use of mothers and nurses. I do not at present see my way to + including fathers.</p> + + <p>(1) On what principles is the language which you use in your + nursery formed? Did you (<i>a</i>) acquire it, or (<i>b</i>) + find yourself unconsciously in possession of it?</p> + + <p>(2) Give a list of the characteristic features which + distinguish Bablingo from the dialects employed by Prehistoric + Man.</p> + + <p>(3) What justification can you allege for the conversion of + the words <i>little thing</i> into the words <i>ickle sing</i>? + Are the spelling and pronunciation of these two words intended + to be a concession to the feeble understanding of an + infant?</p> + + <p>(4) <i>Wasums and didums, then? Was it a ickle birdie, + then?</i> Expand the above into a four-line verse with rhymes, + and explain why the language as spoken and written is nearly + always in the past tense, and rarely in the present or + future.</p> + + <p>(5)(<i>a</i>) <i>Did he woz-a-woz, then; a Mum's own + woz-man?</i> (<i>b</i>) <i>'Oose queenie-mouse was 'oo?</i> + Write a short story on one of the above texts.</p> + + <p>(6) <i>Did she try to hit her ickle bruzzer on his + nosie-posie wiz a mug? She was a Tartar, and did she want to + break him up into bitsy-witsies?</i> Construct a scene from a + typical nursery drama on the above motive. What theories do you + base on the extract with regard to the girl's temper and the + boy's courage and endurance?</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A Really Candid Candidate.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"TO THE ELECTORS OF —— WARD.</p> + + <p>"Ladies and Gentlemen,—I beg to thank you for + returning me as your member at the Election on Monday last. + Nothing shall be wanting on my part to betray the + confidence thus reposed in me."—<i>Provincial + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page328" + id="page328"></a>[pg 328]</span> + + <h2>A YEAR'S REPRISALS.</h2> + + <p>When I sent Aunt Emily—from whom I have + expectations—a pincushion at Christmas and she retaliated + with a pen-wiper on New Year's Day, I thought that was the end + of it.</p> + + <p>Not so.</p> + + <p>Aunt Emily reopened hostilities on my birthday with a purple + satin letter-case embroidered with a sprig of rosemary and the + word "Remembrance." That fresh offensive occurred on January + 27th, which, I repeat, is my birthday. Readers please note.</p> + + <p>When was Aunt Emily's birthday? Frenzied search in antique + birthday books revealed not the horrid secret. Probing my diary + for other suitable anniversaries, I came to February + 1st—"Partridge and Pheasant Shooting ends."</p> + + <p>I passed this as being inappropriate, and then—the + very thing—February 14th, St. Valentine's. Also Full + Moon.</p> + + <p>To arrive on that day, I despatched, carefully packed, the + white marble clock from the spare-room. When well shaken it + will tick for an hour. Aunt Emily had never seen it, I + knew.</p> + + <p>Then I sounded the All Clear.</p> + + <p>But on Easter Eve a heavy packing-case was bumped onto my + doorstep. From wrappings of sacking there emerged a large model + of Eddystone lighthouse; a thermometer was embedded in its + chest, minus the mercury, I noted. And Aunt Emily wished me as + per enclosed card "A joyous Easter."</p> + + <p>With groans and lamentations another anniversary must be + found by me. Ah! Here we have it! KING GEOKGE V. born June 3rd. + On the dark roof of my spare-room wardrobe loomed an Indian + vase—bright yellow with red blobs—very rare and + very hideous, with a bulge in its middle. Obviously unique, + because when the Indian made it his fellow-Indians slew him to + prevent repetitions of the offence. I packed it in the middle + of a crate and much straw, calculated to make an appalling mess + when released.</p> + + <p>To dear Aunt Emily it went, with love, and a few topical + remarks about the Monarchy.</p> + + <p>But Aunt Emily evidently had a diary too. On the 21st of + October—anniversary of Trafalgar—my heart sank as + the railway delivery van drew up at my door. The angry driver + toiled into my passage with a packing-case (bristling with + splinters and nails). When it was open and the chisel broken I + picked the splinters out of my fingers and contemplated the + battered horn of a gramophone emerging from sawdust and + shavings.</p> + + <p>The mess created was indescribable when the horn was drawn + forth. Shavings flew everywhere. The sawdust was like a + butcher's shop. There were records too, some broken, all + scratched. When set going it made a noise like a cockatoo with + a cold. Decently covered with a cloth it was interned in the + loft.</p> + + <p>Next please. One more effort and I should be one up and Aunt + Emily to play. And her turn would be Christmas. Once she sent + me five pounds at Christmas.</p> + + <p>The diary again. A poor hatch of anniversaries for November. + A partial eclipse of the moon, partially visible at Greenwich, + was down for the 22nd. But eclipses are too ominous.</p> + + <p>I fell back on KING EDWARD VII., born November 9th, 1841. + Twenty-three volumes of Goodworthy's <i>History of England</i> + should commemorate this. There had once been twenty-four, but + the puppy ate one.</p> + + <p>Gratitude came by return of post, and I sat down in peace to + await Christmas and a cheque.</p> + + <p>But on December 19th came another dreadful and splintery + packing-case. Desperately I gouged it open. Out of it, through + a cloud of shavings, emerged my own loathsome yellow-and-red + Indian vase! No word with it—not a word, not a note. Not + a funeral note.</p> + + <p>Rage overtook me. I disinterred Aunt Emily's own gramophone + and records. I packed the horn anyhow. Such of the records as + seemed difficult to get in I broke into small pieces and shoved + in corners. I nailed the packing-case up with the same nails + and addressed it in the boldest and fiercest of characters to + Aunt Emily and caught the railway-van on the rebound. The deed + was done.</p> + + <p>I laughed "Ha, ha!" I laughed "Ho, ho!" I would teach Aunt + Emily to return me my own vase.</p> + + <p>Next morning came a letter. As I read it perspiration burst + out on my forehead. Language the most awful burst from my + lips.</p> + + <p>And yet it was a simple letter—from my little cousin + Dolly.</p> + + <p>"DEAR BOB," it said,—"I sent you a yellow-and-red vase + for Christmas. Your Aunt Emily gave it me as a wedding present. + It is not my style and must be yours, because I have seen one + like it in your house. Perhaps you collect them. Don't tell + your Aunt, but I really couldn't bear it. I forgot to put any + note in the box. Happy Christmas.</p> + + <p>"Love, DOLLY."</p> + + <p>And Aunt Emily would have opened my case by now.</p> + + <p>On Christmas Day I received a letter from her which I opened + with cold and clammy fingers.</p> + + <p>She thanked me for sending back the gramophone. She was + sorry I did not care for it. She was now sending it to a + hospital for shell-shocked officers. And she wished me a Blithe + Yuletide on a penny card. And she was very sincerely mine.</p> + + <p>Anyone can have her for aught I care.</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/328.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/328.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Unsuccessful House-huntress</i>. + "REALLY ONE SEES SO FEW OF THE SORT OF MEN WHO USED TO + <i>BUILD</i> HOUSES. WHY DOESN'T THE GOVERNMENT + RELEASE MORE CORDUROY TROUSERS AND ENTICE THE + LABOURERS BACK?" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page329" + id="page329"></a>[pg 329]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h3>THE SUPER-HUMAN + DOG.</h3><a href="images/329-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/329-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <table summary="Super Dog" + align="center" + width="100%"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%" + align="center" + valign="top">WHEN YOU CAME HOME ON LEAVE YOUR + DOG, UNLIKE SOME HUMANS, NEVER EXPRESSED + SURPRISE AT SEEING YOU <i>STILL IN + ENGLAND</i>.</td> + + <td width="33%" + align="center" + valign="top">NEVER INDULGED IN DEMOBILISATION + TALK.</td> + + <td width="33%" + align="center" + valign="top">OR HANDED OUT "CHESTNUTS."</td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/329-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/329-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <table summary="Super Dog 2" + align="center" + width="100%"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%" + align="center" + valign="top">OR INTRODUCED YOU TO YOUR C.O. + (ALSO ON PASS).</td> + + <td width="33%" + align="center" + valign="top">OR BORED YOU WITH HIS OWN DOMESTIC + TROUBLES ("LEFT A BOOT-JACK IN MY + DRINKING-TROUGH, SHE DID").</td> + + <td width="33%" + align="center" + valign="top">OR INTRUDED HIS PRESENCE AT + INOPPORTUNE MOMENTS.</td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/329-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/329-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <table summary="Super Dog 3" + align="center" + width="100%"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%" + align="center" + valign="top">BUT SIMPLY WELCOMED + YOU—</td> + + <td width="33%" + align="center" + valign="top">—IN HIS OWN—</td> + + <td width="33%" + align="center" + valign="top">—INIMITABLE MANNER.</td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page330" + id="page330"></a>[pg 330]</span> + + <h2>A SOUTH SEA BUBBLE.</h2> + + <p>"I want you," said my hostess, "to take in Mrs. Blank. She + is charming. All through the War she has been with her husband + in the South Seas. London is a new place to her."</p> + + <p>Mrs. Blank did not look too promising. She was pretty in her + way—"elegant" an American would have called her—but + she lacked animation. However, the South Seas...! Anyone fresh + from the Pacific must have enough to tell to see soup, fish and + <i>entrée</i> safely through.</p> + + <p>I began by remarking that she must find London a very + complete change after the sun and placidity that she had come + from.</p> + + <p>"It's certainly noisier," she said; "but we had our share of + rain."</p> + + <p>"I thought it was always fine there," I remarked; but she + laughed a denial and relapsed into silence.</p> + + <p>She was one of those women who don't take soup, and this + made the economy of her utterances the more unfair.</p> + + <p>Racking my brain for a new start I fell back on those useful + fellows, the authors. Presuming that anyone who had lived in + that fascinating region—the promised land (if land is the + word) of so many of us who are weary of English climatic + treacheries—would be familiar with the literature of it. + I went boldly to work.</p> + + <p>"The first book about the South Seas that I ever read," I + said, "was BALLANTYNE'S <i>Coral Island</i>."</p> + + <p>"Indeed!" she replied.</p> + + <p>I asked her if she too had not been brought up on + BALLANTYNE, and she said no. She did not even know his + name.</p> + + <p>"He wrote for boys," I explained rather lamely.</p> + + <p>"I read poetry chiefly as a girl," she said.</p> + + <p>"But surely you know STEVENSON'S <i>Island Nights' + Entertainment</i>?" I said.</p> + + <p>No, she did not. Was it nice?</p> + + <p>"It's extraordinary," I said. "It gives you more of the + atmosphere of the South Seas than any other work. And Louis + BECKE—you must have read him?" I continued.</p> + + <p>No, she had not. She read very little. The last book she had + read was on spiritualism.</p> + + <p>"Not even CONRAD?" I pursued. "No one has so described the + calms and storms of the Pacific."</p> + + <p>No, she remembered no story called <i>Conrad</i>.</p> + + <p>I was about to explain that CONRAD was the writer, not the + written; but it seemed a waste of words, and we fell into a + stillness broken only by the sound of knife and fork.</p> + + <p>"Hang it! you shall talk," I said to myself; and then aloud, + "Tell me all about copra. I have longed to know what copra is; + how it grows, what it looks like, what it is for."</p> + + <p>"You have come to the wrong person," she replied, with wide + eyes. "I never heard of it. Or did you say 'cobra'? Of course I + know what a cobra is—it's a snake. I've seen them at the + Zoo."</p> + + <p>I put her right. "Copra, the stuff that the traders in the + South Seas deal in."</p> + + <p>"I never heard of it," she said. "But then why should I? I + know nothing about the South Seas."</p> + + <p>My stock fell thirty points and I crumbled bread nervously, + hoping for something sensible to say; but at this moment + "half-time" mercifully set in. My partner on the other side + turned to me suavely and asked if I thought the verses in + <i>Abraham Lincoln</i> were a beauty or a blemish; and with the + assistance of the London stage, the flight to America, Mrs. + FULTON'S <i>Blight</i>, Mr. WALPOLE'S <i>Secret City</i> and + the prospects of the new Academy, I sailed serenely into port. + She was as easy and agreeable a woman as that other was + difficult, and before she left for the drawing-room she had + invited me to lunch and I had accepted.</p> + + <p>As I said Good-night to my hostess I asked why she had told + me that my first partner had been in the South Seas. She said + that she had said nothing of the sort; what she had said was + that during the War she had been stationed with her husband, + Colonel Blank, at Southsea.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE MESSAGE OF HULL.</h2> + + <p>The Hull Election has been keenly discussed in various + papers, but by none with more enthusiasm than <i>The Daily + News</i>. In a special article from the luminous pen of + "A.G.G.," in the issue of April 12th, the true inwardness of + the portent is thus revealed:—</p> + + <p>"The message of Hull is a message for all the world. It is + the announcement that this country, whatever its Government may + do, will not have a French peace. It is a declaration to + America that the English people are with her in her + determination to have a League of Nations' settlement and no + other. It is the repudiation of Conscription, of war on Russia, + of the permanent military occupation of Germany, of imperialism + and grab, of war policy in Ireland, of repression in Egypt, of + the reckless profligacy and corruption that are plunging Europe + into Bolshevism and hurrying this country to irretrievable + ruin."</p> + + <p>We confess that we are staggered by the moderation, not to + say modesty, of "A.G.G." as an interpreter of the meaning of + the Hull Election. He has omitted infinitely more than he has + inscribed in his list.</p> + + <p>The return of Commander KENWORTHY stands, of course, for all + these things, but for many others of at least equal + importance.</p> + + <p>It means the disappearance of influenza, the ravages of + which are clearly traceable to the political virus disseminated + by the Coalition.</p> + + <p>It means the rehabilitation of Mr. BIRRELL and his return to + public life as English Ambassador to the Court of King Valeroso + I.</p> + + <p>It foreshadows the wholesale gratuitous distribution of + cigarettes, marmalade and gramophones.</p> + + <p>It means the prohibition of the use of the French horn in + orchestras and all places where they play, the reinstatement of + the German flute and the restoration of the German Fleet.</p> + + <p>Lastly, it means the compulsory prohibition of all Greek + except "Alpha of the Plough."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD</h2> + + <h4>(<i>With his first Cricket Set</i>).</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Here's a gift to take and treasure,</p> + + <p class="i2">England's gift as well as mine,</p> + + <p>Symbol of her clean-spent leisure,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of her youth and strength a sign;</p> + + <p>Gleams of sunlight on old meadows</p> + + <p class="i2">O'er these varnished toys are cast,</p> + + <p>And within that box's shadows</p> + + <p class="i2">Stir the triumphs of the Past.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Still the ancient tale entrances,</p> + + <p class="i2">Giving us in golden dower</p> + + <p>ULYETT'S drives and IVO's glances,</p> + + <p class="i2">JACKSON'S dash and THORNTON'S power;</p> + + <p>Skill of LYTTELTONS and LACEYS,</p> + + <p class="i2">Grit of SHREWSBURYS and GUNNS;</p> + + <p>Pride of STUDDS and STEELS and GRACES</p> + + <p class="i2">Piling up their English runs.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Take these simple toys as token</p> + + <p class="i2">Of the champions that have been,</p> + + <p>Stalwart in defence unbroken,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hefty hitters, hitting clean;</p> + + <p>And, when capped in Life's eleven,</p> + + <p class="i2">May you stand as firm as they;</p> + + <p>May you, little son of seven,</p> + + <p class="i2">Play the game the English way.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>W.H.O.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"It seems to be a ruling passion amongst certain writers + to portray anybody connected with commerce as being an + ungrammatical ignoramus. Even Kipling panders to this + notion in his conception of a drapery assistant in the + person of 'Kipps.'"—<i>Draper's Organiser</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>But did not Mr. WELLS do something to redress the balance in + <i>Kim</i>?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page331" + id="page331"></a>[pg 331]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/331.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/331.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p>"WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, NO. 4?"</p> + + <p>"IT'S NO GOOD, INSTRUCTOR; I AIN'T GOT NO HEAD FOR + HEIGHTS."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> + + <p>The latest of the now so fashionable short-story volumes to + come my way is one called <i>Our Casualty, Etc.</i> + (SKEFFINGTON). Much virtue in that "<i>Etc.</i>," which covers + other fifteen little tales in the best, or nearly the best, + "Birmingham" manner. I say "nearly," because for its happiest + expression the art of "Mr. GEORGE BIRMINGHAM" demands space to + tangle events into more complicated confusion than can be + contrived in the dozen pages of these episodes. But within + their limitations they are all excellent fun, partly concerned + with the War (usually with an Irishman involved), partly + recalled from the piping and whisky-drinking times of peace, at + Inishmore and elsewhere. One can only treat them after the + manner of the schoolboy who declined to distinguish between the + Major and Minor Prophets. But I rather specially enjoyed the + title-piece, which tells how the super-patriotism of an aged + volunteer defeated the kindly plans of those who would have + saved him fatigue by assigning to him the rôle of + casualty in a trench-relief practice. Casualties also figure in + "Getting Even," an improbable but highly entertaining fiction + of the score practised by an ingenious Medical Officer (Irish, + I need hardly say) upon an over-zealous C.O., who, to keep him + busy during a field day, flooded his "clearing station" with + all sorts of complicated imaginary cases, only to find the + fictitious victims arranged comfortably in rows under the shade + of the trees to await the Padre and a burying party, the M.O. + reporting that they had all died before reaching him. It + couldn't possibly happen as here told, but that matters little, + since, so far as I am concerned, a "Birmingham" tale can always + well afford to dispense with credibility.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I am distinctly grateful to ROSE MACAULAY for <i>What + Not</i> (CONSTABLE). It brought me the pleasantest end to + anything but a perfect English Spring day. She has wit, not so + common a gift that you can afford just to take it for granted; + she knows when to stop, selecting not exhausting; and she makes + her epigrams by the way, as it were, without exposing the + process of manufacture. (Other epigrammatists please copy.) + Miss MACAULAY'S "prophetic comedy" is a joyous rag of + Government office routine, flappery, Pelmania, Tribunals, State + advertising, the Lower Journalism and "What Not." That + audacious eugenist, <i>Nicky Chester</i>, first Minister of + Brains in the post-war period of official attempts to raise the + nation from C3 to something nearer A1 on the intellectual + plane, happens, because of his family history, to be + uncertified for marriage. He also happens to fall very + desperately in love with his secretary, <i>Kitty Grammont</i>, + and the conflict between duty and desire becomes the + theme—perhaps just a little too heavy—of an + extravaganza that is happiest in its lighter and more + irreverent moments. Which is to say that <i>What Not</i> + wanders out of the key. But what on earth does that matter if + one is made to laugh quite often and to smile almost + continuously at a very shrewd piece of observation, + whimsicality and tempered malice? And you will like the serene + <i>Pansy Ponsonby</i> (out of "Hullo, Peace!"), who could + scarcely be called <i>Kitty's</i> "sister-in-law," but was of + the most faithful. The odd thing is that under all her gibing + the author seems to have a queer furtive admiration for her + precious Ministry of Brains.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Among the many things I like in DORETHEA CONYERS' novels is + the artistic subtlety, achieved by few of our other novelists, + with which she manages to write them as it were in character. I + am quite sure that if <i>Berenice Ermyntrude Nicosia Nevin</i>, + who is called by her initials on the cover and inside by what + they spell, had tried to write a novel it would have been + remarkably like <i>B.E.N.</i> (METHUEN). There would have been + the same keen delight in horses, hunting and Irish scenery, and + the same cheerful disregard for such trifles as spelling or + such conventions as making quite sure that your reader knows + which character <span class="pagenum"><a name="page332" + id="page332"></a>[pg 332]</span> is speaking at any given + moment, and the same excellent humour, which, if it is at + the expense of the Irish, is kindly enough for all that. It + seems to me that in her new novel Mrs. CONYERS, wisely + refusing to stray to that suburbia in which her gifts lack + this charm, has recaptured much of the careless rapture of + her earliest books; and very careless and very rapturous + they wore. But I am not quite sure that in real life even + <i>Ben</i>, when as second whip to the East Cara hounds she + lost her horse, would have found an aeroplane useful to + catch up with. In case it should be objected that anything + so funny as the tea at <i>Miss Talty's</i> never could + happen, even in the Caher Valley district, I want to put it + on record here and now that it could and does.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>The Mystery Keepers</i> (LANE), by MARION FOX, reminds me + of the old riddle, "What is it that has feathers and two legs, + and barks like a dog?"—the answer being a stork. People + who protest that a stork doesn't bark like a dog are told that + that part is put in to make it harder. I find that the greater + part of the mystery kept by <i>The Mystery Keepers</i> is put + in to make it harder. The Abbey at Clynch St. Mary has a + "coise" put on it by the last Abbess, and every direct male + heir expires punctually on his twenty-first birthday. The + actual agency is a poisoned ring concealed in the frame of a + portrait of the malevolent Abbess and is in the custody of the + <i>Otway</i> family, who enjoy a prescriptive if nebulous right + to be stewards of the property. Just how or why the + <i>Otways</i>—noble fellows, we are given to + understand—carry out the deceased Abbess's nefarious + wishes with such precision and despatch is not explained. + Anyway the mother of the last victim, who has found out the + secret, steals the ring, murders the <i>Otway</i> of the + period, and retires to a lunatic asylum after her son has + himself stolen the ring from her workbox and poisoned himself + into the next world. That finishes it. The ring retires to a + museum and the proper people marry each other. It is a slender + and quite impossible story, but told in a clever way which goes + far to redeem its lack of substance.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>The Graftons</i> (COLLINS) is a sequel to Mr. ARCHIBALD + MARSHALL'S former chronicle of the same pleasant family. Herein + you shall find them, pursuing the even tenor of their + prosperous way, father, son and charming daughters, and + arriving placidly at the point where, in the natural sequence + of events, these daughters leave the paternal nest for others + provided by eligible mates. Their courtships, and some mild + uncertainty as to whether papa <i>Grafton</i>, well-preserved + and wealthy widower, will or will not follow the example of his + female offspring, provide the entire matter of the book. For + the rest Mr. MARSHALL is content to mark time (and very + pleasantly) with pictures of English country life at its most + comfortable, and in particular with some comedy scenes, + excellently done, turning upon the often delicate relationship + of Hall and Parsonage. There are a couple of clerical portraits + in the book that seem to me as lifelike as anything of the kind + since <i>Barchester</i>. Apart from this the outstanding virtue + of the <i>Graftons</i> is the reality of their dialogue. + Precisely thus do, or did, actual people speak in the quiet old + times before the War; precisely thus also did nothing whatever + of any consequence happen to the vast majority of them. Since, + however, the truth and charm of the tale depend upon this + absence of the sensational, I must the more regret that Messrs. + COLLINS, who have printed it exquisitely, should have been + betrayed into a coloured wrapper of almost grotesque + ineptitude.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In <i>Graduation</i> (CHATTO AND WINDUS) there is an + essential femininity about Miss IRENE RUTHERFORD McLEOD'S style + and general attitude that imposes limitations; it is a quality + that shows itself not only in her plot, but in her characters, + the three reputed males who figure therein being as fine + examples of true womanliness as you need wish to meet. + <i>Frieda</i> was the heroine (a name somehow significant); and + of the trouser-wearers, the first, <i>Geoffrey</i>, was a + cat-like deceiver, who fascinated poor <i>Frieda</i> for ends + unspecified, pretended (the minx!) to be keen on the Suffrage + movement, which he wasn't, and concealed a wife; the second was + a Being too perfect to endure beyond Chapter 10, where he + expires eloquently of heart-failure, leaving <i>Alan</i>, the + third, to bear the white man's burden and clasp <i>Frieda</i> + to his maidenly heart. This sentimental progress is, I suppose, + what is implied by the title and the symbolic staircase (if it + <i>is</i> a staircase?) on the wrapper. But my trouble was that + I could never discern in the sweet girl-graduate any + development of character from the pretentious futility of her + earliest appearance. Perhaps I am prejudiced. Undeniably Miss + McLEOD can draw a certain type of prig with a horrible + facility. But the antiquated modernity of her scheme, flooded + as it is with the New Dawn of, say, a decade ago, and its bland + disregard of everything that has happened since, ended by + violently irritating me. Others may have better luck.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Spring has been slow in coming, but I got something more + than a whiff of actual summer when <i>Under Blue Skies</i> + (HUTCHINSON) came my way. Mr. DE VERD STACPOOLE is at the top + of his form, and it is a real pleasure to recommend an author + who brings to his tales of adventure so nice a sense of style + and so keen a feeling for character. In "The Frigate Bird" the + rapscallions who seize a schooner and, without any knowledge of + navigation, sail the high seas, are full-blooded adventurers; + but there is all the difference in the world between the + character of the educated <i>Carlyon</i> and that of the + simple-minded and ignorant <i>Finn</i>. This yarn occupies + nearly half of the book, and the other stories should give food + for thought to those who allege that no Englishman can write a + short story. Apart from one charming little tale of a haunted + French <i>château</i> Mr. STACPOOLE allows us to bask + here in the eternal summer of Pacific skies. I am very grateful + for my sun-bath.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In <i>Poems of the Great War</i>, by Mrs. ROBERTSON-GLASGOW, + readers of <i>Punch</i> will recognise some of the best serious + poems that have appeared in these pages of recent years. The + little half-crown volume in which they reappear has been + admirably printed at S. Aldhelm's Home for Boys, Frome, and may + be bought at SMITH'S in Kensington High Street.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/332.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/332.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Voice of Tommy in audience</i>. "NAH + THEN, MATE, WHY DON'T YER DIG YERSELF IN?" + </div> +<br /> +<br /> +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11872 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/11872-h/images/313-1.png b/11872-h/images/313-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ed1fbdf --- /dev/null +++ b/11872-h/images/313-1.png diff --git a/11872-h/images/313-2.png b/11872-h/images/313-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fec0fb8 --- /dev/null +++ b/11872-h/images/313-2.png diff --git a/11872-h/images/313.png b/11872-h/images/313.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..01784a6 --- /dev/null +++ b/11872-h/images/313.png diff --git a/11872-h/images/315.png b/11872-h/images/315.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1f45e57 --- /dev/null +++ b/11872-h/images/315.png diff --git a/11872-h/images/316.png b/11872-h/images/316.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1c6a9f2 --- /dev/null +++ b/11872-h/images/316.png diff --git a/11872-h/images/317.png b/11872-h/images/317.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..41ace2b --- /dev/null +++ b/11872-h/images/317.png diff --git a/11872-h/images/318.png b/11872-h/images/318.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..43a27ae --- /dev/null +++ b/11872-h/images/318.png diff --git a/11872-h/images/319.png b/11872-h/images/319.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a535b02 --- /dev/null +++ b/11872-h/images/319.png diff --git a/11872-h/images/321.png b/11872-h/images/321.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..45ea4bd --- /dev/null +++ b/11872-h/images/321.png diff --git a/11872-h/images/322.png b/11872-h/images/322.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..569fffa --- /dev/null +++ b/11872-h/images/322.png diff --git a/11872-h/images/323.png b/11872-h/images/323.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8905d8d --- /dev/null +++ b/11872-h/images/323.png diff --git a/11872-h/images/325.png b/11872-h/images/325.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..78448b8 --- /dev/null +++ b/11872-h/images/325.png diff --git a/11872-h/images/326.png b/11872-h/images/326.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..41a1b00 --- /dev/null +++ b/11872-h/images/326.png diff --git a/11872-h/images/327.png b/11872-h/images/327.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..27a2446 --- /dev/null +++ b/11872-h/images/327.png diff --git a/11872-h/images/328.png b/11872-h/images/328.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cca693e --- /dev/null +++ b/11872-h/images/328.png diff --git a/11872-h/images/329-1.png b/11872-h/images/329-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cfb1907 --- /dev/null +++ b/11872-h/images/329-1.png diff --git a/11872-h/images/329-2.png b/11872-h/images/329-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4c42016 --- /dev/null +++ b/11872-h/images/329-2.png diff --git a/11872-h/images/329-3.png b/11872-h/images/329-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..41dac08 --- /dev/null +++ b/11872-h/images/329-3.png diff --git a/11872-h/images/331.png b/11872-h/images/331.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d6e2de8 --- /dev/null +++ b/11872-h/images/331.png diff --git a/11872-h/images/332.png b/11872-h/images/332.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1f841b6 --- /dev/null +++ b/11872-h/images/332.png |
