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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Bicyclers and Three Other Farces, by John
+Kendrick Bangs
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: The Bicyclers and Three Other Farces
+
+Author: John Kendrick Bangs
+
+Release Date: March 30, 2004  [eBook #11759]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: US-ASCII
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BICYCLERS AND THREE OTHER FARCES***
+
+
+Transcribed by David Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk
+
+
+
+
+THE BICYCLERS AND THREE OTHER FARCES
+
+
+
+
+Contents:
+   The Bicyclers
+   A Dramatic Evening
+   The Fatal Message
+   A Proposal Under Difficulties
+
+
+
+THE BICYCLERS
+
+
+
+CHARACTERS:
+
+MR. ROBERT YARDSLEY, an expert.
+MR. JACK BARLOW, another.
+MR. THADDEUS PERKINS, a beginner.
+MR. EDWARD BRADLEY, a scoffer.
+MRS. THADDEUS PERKINS, a resistant.
+MRS. EDWARD BRADLEY, an enthusiast.
+JENNIE, a maid.
+
+The scene is laid in the drawing-room of Mr. and Mrs. Thaddeus
+Perkins, at No. --- Gramercy Square.  It is late October; the action
+begins at 8.30 o'clock on a moonlight evening.  The curtain rising
+discloses Mr. and Mrs. Perkins sitting together.  At right is large
+window facing on square.  At rear is entrance to drawing-room.
+Leaning against doorway is a safety bicycle.  Perkins is clad in
+bicycle garb.
+
+Perkins.  Well, Bess, I'm in for it now, and no mistake.  Bob and
+Jack are coming to-night to give me my first lesson in biking.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  I'm very glad of it, Thaddeus.  I think it will do you
+a world of good.  You've been working too hard of late, and you need
+relaxation.
+
+Perkins (doubtfully).  I know that--but--from what I can gather,
+learning to ride a wheel isn't the most restful thing in the world.
+There's a good deal of lying down about it; but it comes with too
+great suddenness; that is, so Charlie Cheeseborough says.  He learned
+up at the Academy, and he told me that he spent most of his time
+making dents in the floor with his head.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Well, I heard differently.  Emma Bradley learned there
+at the same time he did, and she said he spent most of his time
+making dents in the floor with other people's heads.  Why, really, he
+drove all the ladies to wearing those odious Psyche knots.  The time
+he ran into Emma, if she hadn't worn her back hair that way she'd
+have fractured her skull.
+
+Perkins.  Ha, ha!  They all tell the same story.  Barlow said he
+always wore a beaver hat while Cheeseborough was on the floor, so
+that if Charlie ran into him and he took a header his brain wouldn't
+suffer.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Nevertheless, Mr. Cheeseborough learned more quickly
+than any one else in the class.
+
+Perkins.  So Barlow said--because he wasn't eternally in his own way,
+as he was in every one else's.  (A ring is heard at the front door.)
+Ah! I guess that's Bob and Jack.
+
+Enter Jennie.
+
+Jennie.  Mr. Bradley, ma'am.
+
+Perkins.  Bradley?  Wonder what the deuce he's come for?  He'll guy
+the life out of me.  (Enter Bradley.  He wears a dinner coat.)  Ah,
+Brad, old chap, how are you?  Glad to see you.
+
+Bradley.  Good-evening, Mrs. Perkins.  This your eldest?  [With a nod
+at Perkins.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  My eldest?
+
+Bradley.  Yes--judged from his togs it was your boy.  What!  Can it
+be?  You!  Thaddeus?
+
+Perkins.  That's who I am.
+
+Bradley.  When did you go into short trousers?
+
+Perkins (with a feeble laugh, glancing at his clothes).  Oh, these--
+ha, ha!  I'm taking up the bicycle.  Even if it weren't for the
+exhilaration of riding, it's a luxury to wear these clothes.  Old
+flannel shirt, old coat, old pair of trousers shortened to the knee,
+and golf stockings.  I've had these golf stockings two years, and
+never had a chance to wear 'em till now.
+
+Bradley.  You've got it bad, haven't you?  How many lessons have you
+had?
+
+Perkins.  None yet.  Fact is, just got my wheel--that's it over there
+by the door--pneumatic tires, tool-chest, cyclometer, lamp--all for a
+hun.
+
+Bradley (with a laugh).  How about life-insurance?  Do they throw in
+a policy for that?  They ought to.
+
+Perkins.  No--but they would if I'd insisted.  Competition between
+makers is so great, they'll give you most anything to induce a
+bargain.  The only thing they really gave me extra is the ki-yi gun.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  The what?
+
+Perkins.  Ki-yi gun--it shoots dogs.  Dog comes out, catches sight of
+your leg--
+
+Bradley.  Mistakes it for a bone and grabs--eh?
+
+Perkins.  Well--I fancy that's about the size of it.  You can't very
+well get off, so you get out your ki-yi gun and shoot ammonia into
+the beast's face.  It doesn't hurt the dog, but it gives him
+something to think of.  I'll show you how the thing works.  (Gets the
+gun from tool-box.)  This is the deadly weapon, and I'm the rider--
+see?  (Sits on a chair, with face to back, and works imaginary
+pedals.)  You're the dog.  I'm passing the farm-yard.  Bow-wow! out
+you spring--grab me by the bone--I--ah--I mean the leg.  Pouf! I
+shoot you with ammonia.  [Suits action to the word.
+
+Bradley (starting back).  Hi, hold on!  Don't squirt that infernal
+stuff at me!  My dear boy, get a grip on yourself.  I'm not really a
+ki-yi, and while I don't like bicyclists, their bones are safe from
+me.  I won't bite you.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Really--I think that's a very ingenious arrangement;
+don't you, Mr. Bradley?
+
+Bradley.  I do, indeed.  But, as long as we're talking about it, I
+must say I think what Thaddeus really needs is a motormangun, to
+squirt ammonia, or even beer, into the faces of these cable-car
+fellows.  They're more likely to interfere with him than dogs--don't
+you think?
+
+Perkins.  It's a first-rate idea, Brad.  I'll suggest it to my agent.
+
+Bradley.  Your what?
+
+Perkins (apologetically).  Well, I call him my agent, although really
+I've only bought this one wheel from him.  He represents the Czar
+Manufacturing Company.
+
+Bradley.  They make Czars, do they?
+
+Perkins (with dignity).  They make wheels.  The man who owns the
+company is named Czar.  I refer to him as my agent, because from the
+moment he learned I thought of buying a wheel he came and lived with
+me.  I couldn't get rid of him, and finally in self-defence I bought
+this wheel.  It was the only way I could get rid of him.
+
+Bradley.  Aha!  That's the milk in the cocoanut. eh?  Hadn't force of
+mind to get rid of the agent.  Couldn't say no.  Humph!  I wondered
+why you, a man of sense, a man of dignity, a gentleman, should take
+up with this--
+
+Perkins (angrily).  See here, Brad, I like you very much, but I must
+say--
+
+Mrs. Perkins (foreseeing a quarrel).  Thaddeus!  'Sh!  Ah, by-the-
+way, Mr. Bradley, where is Emma this evening?  I never knew you to be
+separated before.
+
+Bradley (sorrowfully).  This is the first time, Mrs. Perkins.  Fact
+is, we'd intended calling on you to-night, and I dressed as you see
+me.  Emma was in proper garb too, but when she saw what a beautiful
+night it was, she told me to go ahead, and she--By Jove! it almost
+makes me weep!
+
+Perkins.  She wasn't taken ill?
+
+Bradley.  No--worse.  She said:  "You go down on the ' L.'  I'll
+bike.  It's such a splendid night."  Fine piece of business this!  To
+have a bicycle come between man and wife is a pretty hard fate, I
+think--for the one who doesn't ride.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Then Emma is coming here?
+
+Bradley.  That's the idea, on her wheel--coming down the Boulevard,
+across Seventy-second Street, through the Park, down Madison, across
+Twenty-third, down Fourth to Twenty-first, then here.
+
+Perkins.  Bully ride that.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Alone?
+
+Bradley (sadly).  I hope so--but these bicyclists have a way of
+flocking together.  For all I know, my beloved Emma may now be
+coasting down Murray Hill escorted by some bicycle club from Jersey
+City.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Oh dear--Mr. Bradley!
+
+Bradley.  Oh, it's all right, I assure you, Mrs. Perkins.  Perfectly
+right and proper.  It's merely part of the exercise, don't you know.
+There's a hail-fellow-well-metness about enthusiastic bicyclists, and
+Emma is intensely enthusiastic.  It gives her a chance, you know, and
+Emma has always wanted a chance.  Independence is a thing she's been
+after ever since she got her freedom, and now, thanks to the wheel,
+she's got it again, and even I must admit it's harmless.  Funny she
+doesn't get here though (looking at his watch); she's had time to
+come down twice.
+
+[Bicycle bells are heard ringing without.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Maybe that is she now.  Go and see, will you,
+Thaddeus?  [Exit Perkins.
+
+Perkins (without), That you, Mrs. Bradley?
+
+[Mrs. Perkins and Bradley listen intently.
+
+Two Male Voices.  No; it's us, Perk.  Got your wheel?
+
+Bradley and Mrs. Perkins.  Where can she be?
+
+Enter Perkins with Barlow and Yardsley.
+
+They both greet Mrs. Perkins.
+
+Yardsley.  Hullo, Brad!  You going to have a lesson too?
+
+Barlow.  Dressed for it, aren't you, by Jove!  Nothing like a dinner
+coat for a bicycle ride.  Your coat-tails don't catch in the gear.
+
+Bradley (severely).  I haven't taken it up--fact is, I don't care for
+fads.  Have you seen my wife?
+
+Yardsley.  Yes--saw her the other night at the academy.  Rides mighty
+well, too, Brad.  Don't wonder you don't take it up.  Contrast, you
+know--eh, Perk?  Fearful thing for a man to have the world see how
+much smarter his wife is than he is.
+
+Perkins (turning to his wheel).  Bradley's a little worried about the
+non-arrival of Mrs. Bradley.  She was coming here on her wheel, and
+started about the same time he did.
+
+Barlow.  Oh, that's all right, Ned.  She knows her wheel as well as
+you know your business.  Can't come down quite as fast as the "L,"
+particularly these nights just before election.  She may have fallen
+in with some political parade, and is waiting to get across the
+street.
+
+Bradley (aside).  Well, I like that!
+
+Mrs. Perkins (aside).  Why--it's awful!
+
+Yardsley.  Or she may possibly have punctured her tire--that would
+delay her fifteen or twenty minutes.  Don't worry, my dear boy.  I
+showed her how to fix a punctured tire all right.  It's simple
+enough--you take the rubber thing they give you and fasten it in that
+metal thingumbob, glue it up, poke it in, pull it out, pump her up,
+and there you are.
+
+Bradley (scornfully).  You told her that, did you?
+
+Yardsley.  I did.
+
+Bradley (with a mock sigh of relief).  You don't know what a load
+you've taken off my mind.
+
+Barlow (looking at his watch).  H'm!  Thaddeus, it's nine o'clock.  I
+move we go out and have the lesson.  Eh?  The moon is just right.
+
+Yardsley.  Yes--we can't begin too soon.  Wheel all right?
+
+Perkins.  Guess so--I'm ready.
+
+Bradley.  I'll go out to the corner and see if there's any sign of
+Mrs. Bradley.  [Exit.
+
+Mrs. Perkins (who has been gazing out of window for some moments).  I
+do wish Emma would come.  I can't understand how women can do these
+things.  Riding down here all alone at night!  It is perfectly
+ridiculous!
+
+Yardsley (rolling Perkins's wheel into middle of room).  Czar wheel,
+eh?
+
+Perkins (meekly).  Yes--best going--they tell me.
+
+Barlow.  Can't compare with the Alberta.  Has a way of going to
+pieces like the "one-hoss shay"--eh, Bob?
+
+Yardsley.  Exactly--when you least expect it, too--though the Alberta
+isn't much better.  You get coasting on either of 'em, and half-way
+down, bang! the front wheel collapses, hind wheel flies up and hits
+you in the neck, handle-bar turns just in time to stab you in the
+chest; and there you are, miles from home, a physical, moral, bicycle
+wreck.  But the Arena wheel is different.  In fact, I may say that
+the only safe wheel is the Arena.  That's the one I ride.  However,
+at fifty dollars this one isn't extravagant.
+
+Perkins.  I paid a hundred.
+
+Yardsley.  A wha--a--at?
+
+Perkins.  Hundred.
+
+Barlow.  Well you are a--a--good fellow.  It's a pretty wheel,
+anyhow.  Eh, Bob?
+
+Yardsley.  Simple beauty.  Is she pumped up?
+
+Perkins.  Beg your pardon?
+
+Yardsley.  Pumped up, tires full and tight--ready for action--support
+an elephant?
+
+Perkins.  Guess so--my--I mean, the agent said it was perfect.
+
+Yardsley.  Extra nuts?
+
+Perkins.  What?
+
+Yardsley.  Extra nuts--nuts extra.  Suppose you lose a nut, and your
+pedal comes off; what you going to do--get a tow?
+
+Barlow.  Guess Perkins thinks this is like going to sleep.
+
+Perkins.  I don't know anything about it.  What I'm after is
+information; only, I give you warning, I will not ride so as to get
+round shoulders.
+
+Yardsley.  Then where's your wrench?  Screw up your bar, hoist your
+handles, elevate your saddle, and you're O.K.  What saddle have you?
+
+Perkins (tapping it).  This.
+
+Barlow.  Humph!  Not very good--but we'll try it.  Come on.  It's
+getting late.
+
+[They go out.  Perkins reluctantly.  In a moment he returns alone,
+and, rushing to Mrs. Perkins, kisses her affectionately.
+
+Perkins.  Good-bye, dearest.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Good-bye.  Don't hurt yourself, Thaddeus.  [Exit
+Perkins.
+
+Mrs. Perkins (leaving window and looking at clock on mantel).  Ten
+minutes past nine and Emma not here yet.  It does seem too bad that
+she should worry Ed so much just for independence' sake.  I am quite
+sure I should never want to ride a wheel anyhow, and even if I did--
+
+Enter Yardsley hurriedly, with a piece of flannel in his hand.
+
+Yardsley.  I beg pardon, Mrs. Perkins, but have you a shawl-strap in
+the house?
+
+Mrs. Perkins (tragically).  What is that you have in your hand, Mr.
+Yardsley?
+
+Yardsley (with a glance at the piece of flannel).  That?  Oh--ha-ha--
+that--that's a--ah--a piece of flannel.
+
+Mrs. Perkins (snatching the flannel from Yardsley's hand).  But
+Teddy--isn't that a piece of Teddy's--Teddy's shirt?
+
+Yardsley.  More than that, Mrs. Perkins.  It's the greater part of
+Teddy's shirt.  That's why we want the shawl-strap.  When we started
+him off, you know, he took his coat off.  Jack held on to the wheel,
+and I took Teddy in the fulness of his shirt.  One--two--three!
+Teddy put on steam--Barlow let go--Teddy went off--I held on--this is
+what remained.  It ruined the shirt, but Teddy is safe.  (Aside.)
+Barring about sixty or seventy bruises.
+
+Mrs. Perkins (with a faint smile).  And the shawl-strap?
+
+Yardsley.  I want to fasten it around Teddy's waist, grab hold of the
+handle, and so hold him up.  He's all right, so don't you worry.
+(Exit Mrs. Perkins in search of shawl-strap.)  Guess I'd better not
+say anything about the Pond's Extract he told me to bring--doesn't
+need it, anyhow.  Man's got to get used to leaving pieces of his
+ankle-bone on the curb-stone if he wants to learn to ride a wheel.
+Only worry her if I asked her for it--won't hurt him to suffer a
+week.
+
+Enter Bradley.
+
+Bradley.  Has she come yet?
+
+Yardsley.  No--just gone up-stairs for a shawl-strap.
+
+Bradley.  Shawl-strap?  Who?
+
+Perkins (outside).  Hurry up with that Pond's Extract, will you?
+
+Yardsley.  All right--coming.  Who?  Who what?
+
+Bradley.  Who has gone up-stairs after shawl-strap--my wife?
+
+Yardsley.  No, no, no.  Hasn't she got here yet?  It's Mrs. Perkins.
+Perk fell off just now and broke in two.  We want to fasten him
+together.
+
+Barlow (outside).  Bring out that pump.  His wheel's flabby.
+
+Enter Mrs. Perkins with shawl-strap.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Here it is.  What did I hear about Pond's Extract?
+Didn't somebody call for it?
+
+Yardsley.  No--oh no--not a bit of it!  What you heard was shawl-
+strap--sounds like extract--very much like it.  In fact--
+
+Bradley.  But you did say you wanted--
+
+Yardsley (aside to Bradley).  Shut up!  Thaddeus banged his ankle,
+but he'll get over it in a minute.  She'd only worry.  The best
+bicyclers in the world are all the time falling off, taking headers,
+and banging their ankles.
+
+Bradley.  Poor Emma!
+
+Enter Barlow.
+
+Barlow.  Where the deuce is that Ex--
+
+Yardsley (grasping him by the arm and pushing him out).  Here it is;
+this is the ex-strap, just what we wanted.  (Aside to Bradley.)  Go
+down to the drug-store and get a bottle of Pond's, will you?  [Exit.
+
+Mrs. Perkins (walking to window).  She can't be long in coming now.
+
+Bradley.  I guess I'll go out to the corner again.  (Aside.)  Best
+bicyclers always smashing ankles, falling off, taking headers!  If I
+ever get hold of Emma again, I'll see whether she'll ride that--
+[Rushes out.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  It seems to have made these men crazy.  I never saw
+such strange behavior in all my life.  (The telephone-bell rings.)
+What can that be?  (Goes to 'phone, which stands just outside parlor
+door.)  Hello!  What?  Yes, this is 1181--yes.  Who are you?  What?
+Emma?  Oh dear, I'm so glad!  Are you alive?  Where are you?  What?
+_Where_?  _The police-station_!  (Turning from telephone.)  Thaddeus,
+Mr. Barlow, Mr. Yardsley.  (Into telephone.)  Hello!  What for?
+What?  Riding without a lamp!  Arrested at Forty-second Street!  Want
+to be bailed out?  (Drops receiver.  Rushes into parlor and throws
+herself on sofa.)  To think of it--Emma Bradley!  (Telephone-bell
+rings violently again; Mrs. Perkins goes to it.)  Hello!  Yes.  Tell
+Ed what?  To ask for Mrs. Willoughby Hawkins.  Who's she?  What,
+_you_!  (Drops the receiver; runs to window.)  Thaddeus!  Mr.
+Yardsley!  Mr. Barlow!--all of you come here, quick.
+
+[They rush in.  Perkins with shawl-strap about his waist--limping.
+Barlow has large air-pump in his hand.  Mrs. Perkins grows faint.
+
+Perkins.  Great heavens!  What's the matter?
+
+Barlow.  Get some water--quick!
+
+[Yardsley runs for water.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Air!  Give me air!
+
+Perkins (grabbing pump from Barlow's hand).  Don't stand there like
+an idiot!  Act!  She wants air!
+
+[Places pump on floor and begins to pump air at her.
+
+Barlow.  Who's the idiot now?  Wheel her over to the window.  She's
+not a bicycle.
+
+They do so.  Mrs. Perkins revives.
+
+Perkins.  What is the matter?
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Mrs. Willoughby Hawkins--arrested--Forty-second
+Street--no lamp--bailed out.  Oh, dear me, dear me!  It'll all be in
+the papers!
+
+Perkins.  What's that got to do with us?  Who's Mrs. Willoughby
+Hawkins?
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Emma!  Assumed name.
+
+Barlow.  Good Lord!  Mrs. Bradley in jail?
+
+Perkins.  This is a nice piece of--ow--my ankle, my ankle!
+
+[Enter Bradley and Yardsley at same time, Bradley with bottle of
+Pond's Extract, Yardsley with glass of water.
+
+Bradley.  Where the deuce did you fellows go to?  I've been wandering
+all over the square looking for you.
+
+Perkins.  Your wife--
+
+Bradley (dropping bottle).  What?  What about her--hurt?
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Worse!  [Sobs.
+
+Bradley.  Killed?
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Worse--l-lol-locked up--in jail--no bail--wants to be
+lamped out.
+
+Bradley.  Great heavens!  Where?--when?  What next?  Where's my hat?--
+what'll the baby say?  I must go to her at once.
+
+Yardsley.  Hold on, old man.  Let me go up.  You're too excited.  I
+know the police captain.  You stay here, and I'll run up and fix it
+with him.  If you go, he'll find out who Mrs. Hawkins is; you'll get
+mad, and things will be worse than ever.
+
+Bradley.  But--
+
+Barlow.  No buts, my dear boy.  You just stay where you are.
+Yardsley's right.  It would be an awful grind on you if this ever
+became known.  Bob can fix it up in two minutes with the captain, and
+Mrs. Bradley can come right back with him.  Besides, he can get there
+in five minutes on his wheel.  It will take you twenty on the cars.
+
+Yardsley.  Precisely.  Meanwhile, Brad, you'd better learn to ride
+the wheel, so that Mrs. B. won't have to ride alone.  This ought to
+be a lesson to you.
+
+Perkins.  Bully idea (rubbing his ankle).  You can use my wheel to-
+night--I--I think I've had enough for the present.  (Aside.)  The
+pavements aren't soft enough for me; and, O Lord! what a stony curb
+that was!
+
+Bradley.  I never thought I'd get so low.
+
+Yardsley.  Well, it seems to me that a man with a wife in jail
+needn't be too stuck up to ride a bicycle.  But--by-by--I'm off.
+[Exit.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Poor Emma--out for freedom, and lands in jail.  What
+horrid things policemen are, to arrest a woman!
+
+Bradley (indignantly).  Served her right!  If women won't obey the
+law they ought to be arrested, the same as men.  If she wasn't my
+wife, I'd like to see her sent up for ten years or even twenty years.
+Women have got no business--
+
+Barlow.  Don't get mad, Brad.  If you knew the fascination of the
+wheel you wouldn't blame her a bit.
+
+Bradley (calming down).  Well--I suppose it has some fascination.
+
+Perkins (anxious to escape further lessons).  Oh, indeed, it's a most
+exhilarating sensation:  you seem to be flying like a bird over the
+high-ways.  Try it, Ned.  Go on, right away.  You don't know how that
+little ride I had braced me up.
+
+Barlow (wish a laugh).  There!  Hear that!  There's a man who's
+ridden only eight inches in all his life--and he says he felt like a
+bird!
+
+Perkins (aside).  Yes--like a spring chicken split open for broiling.
+Next time I ride a wheel it'll be four wheels, with a horse fastened
+in front.  Oh my! oh my!  I believe I've broken my back too.  [Lies
+down.
+
+Bradley.  You seem to be exhilarated, Thaddeus.
+
+Perkins (bracing up).  Oh, I am, I am.  Never felt worse--that is,
+better.
+
+Barlow.  Come on, Brad.  I'll show you the trick in two jiffies--
+it'll relieve your worry about madam, too.
+
+Bradley.  Very well--I suppose there's no way out of it.  Only let me
+know as soon as Emma arrives, will you?
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Yes--we will.
+
+[They go out.  As they disappear through the door Thaddeus groans
+aloud.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Why--what is the matter, dear?  Are you hurt?
+
+Perkins.  Oh no--not at all, my love.  I was only thinking of Mr.
+Jarley's indignation to-morrow when he sees the hole I made in his
+curb-stone with my ankle--oh!--ow!--and as for my back, while I don't
+think the whole spine is gone, I shouldn't be surprised if it had
+come through in sections.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Why, you poor thing--why didn't you say--
+
+Perkins (savagely).  Why didn't I say?  My heavens, Bess, what did
+you think I wanted the Pond's Extract for--to drink, or to water the
+street with?  O Lord! (holding up his arm).  There aren't any ribs
+sticking out, are there?
+
+Barlow (outside).  The other way--there--that's it--you've got it.
+
+Bradley (outside).  Why, it _is_ easy, isn't it?
+
+Perkins (scornfully).  Easy!  That fellow'd find comfort in--
+
+Barlow (outside).  Now you're off--not too fast.
+
+Mrs. Perkins (walking to window).  Why, Thaddeus, he's going like the
+wind down the street!
+
+Perkins.  Heaven help him when he comes to the river!
+
+Barlow (rushing in).  Here we are in trouble again.  Brad's gone off
+on my wheel.  Bob's taken his, and your tire's punctured.  He doesn't
+know the first thing about turning or stopping, and I can't run fast
+enough to catch him.  One member of the family is in jail--the other
+on a runaway wheel!
+
+[Yardsley appears at door.  Assumes attitude of butler announcing
+guest.
+
+Yardsley.  Missus Willerby 'Awkins!
+
+Enter Mrs. Bradley, hysterical.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Oh, Edward!
+
+[Throws herself into Barlow's arms.
+
+Barlow (quietly).  Excuse me--ah--Mrs. Hawkins--ah--Bradley--but I'm
+not--I'm not your husband.
+
+Mrs. Bradley (looking up, tragically).  Where's Edward?
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Sit down, dear--you must be completely worn out.
+
+Mrs. Bradley (in alarm).  Where is he?
+
+Perkins (rising and standing on one leg).  Fact is, Mrs. Bradley--we
+don't know.  He disappeared ten minutes ago.
+
+Yardsley.  What do you mean?
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Disappeared?
+
+Barlow.  Yes.  He went east--at the rate of about a mile a minute.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  My husband--went east?  Mile a minute?
+
+Perkins.  Yes, on a bike.  Yardsley, take me by the shawl-strap, will
+you, and help me over to that chair; my back hurts so I can't lie
+down.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Ned--on a wheel?  Why, he can't ride!
+
+Barlow.  Oh yes, he can.  What I'm afraid of is that he can't stop
+riding.
+
+Bradley (outside).  Hi--Barlow--help!
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  That's his voice--he called for help.
+
+Yardsley (rushing to window).  Hi--Brad--stop!  Your wife's here.
+
+Bradley (in distance).  Can't stop--don't know how--
+
+Barlow (leaning out of window).  By Jove! he's turned the corner all
+right.  If he keeps on around, we can catch him next time he passes.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Oh, do, do stop him.  I'm so afraid he'll be hurt.
+
+Mrs. Perkins (looking out).  I can just see him on the other side of
+the square--and, oh dear me!--_his_ lamp is out.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Oh, Mr. Yardsley--Mr. Barlow--Mr. Perkins--do stop
+him!
+
+[By this time all are gazing out of window, except Perkins, who is
+nursing his ankle.
+
+Perkins.  I guess not.  I'm not going to lie down in the road, or sit
+in the road, or stand in the road to stop him or anybody else.  I
+don't believe I've got a sound bone left; but if I have, I'm going to
+save it, if Bradley kills himself.  If his lamp's out the police will
+stop him.  Why not be satisfied with that?
+
+Bradley (passing the window).  For Heaven's sake! one of you fellows
+stop me.
+
+Yardsley.  Put on the brake.
+
+Barlow.  Fall off.  It hasn't got a brake.
+
+Bradley (despairingly, in distance).  Can't.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  This is frightful.
+
+Perkins (with a grimace at his ankle).  Yes; but there are other
+fearful things in this world.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  I shall go crazy if he isn't stopped.  He'll kill
+himself.
+
+Yardsley (leaving window hurriedly).  I have it.  Got a length of
+clothes-line, Mrs. Perkins?
+
+Barlow.  What the dickens--
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Yes.
+
+[She rushes from the room.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  What for?
+
+Yardsley.  I'll lasso him, next time he comes around.
+
+Perkins (with a grin).  There'll be two of us!  We can start a
+hospital on the top floor.
+
+Mrs. Perkins (returning).  Here--here's the line.
+
+[Yardsley takes it hurriedly, and, tying it into a noose, hastens
+out.
+
+Perkins (rising).  If I never walk again, I must see this.  [Limps to
+window.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  He's coming, Mr. Yardsley; don't miss him.
+
+Barlow.  Steady, Bob; get in the light.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Suppose it catches his neck?
+
+Perkins.  This beats the Wild West Show.
+
+[A crash.
+
+All.  He's got him.
+
+[All rush out, except Perkins.
+
+Perkins.  Oh yes; he learned in a minute, he did.  Easy!  Ha, ha!
+Gad! it almost makes me forget my pain.
+
+Enter all, asking.  "Is he hurt?  How do you feel?" etc.  Yardsley
+has rope-end in right hand; noose is tied about Bradley's body, his
+coat and clothing are much the worse for wear.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Poor, dear Edward!
+
+Bradley (weakly kissing her).  Don't m-mind me.  I--I'm all right--
+only a little exhilarated--and somewhat--er--somewhat breathless.
+Feel like a bird--on toast.  Yardsley, you're a brick.  But that
+pavement--that was a pile of 'em, and the hardest I ever encountered.
+I always thought asphalt was soft--who said asphalt was soft?
+
+Perkins.  Easy to learn, though, eh?
+
+Bradley.  Too easy.  I'd have gone on--er--forever--er--if it hadn't
+been for Bob.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  I'll give it up, Ned dear, if you say so.
+
+Mrs. Perkins (affectionately).  That's sweet of you, Emma.
+
+Bradley.  No, indeed, you won't, for--er--I--I rather like it while
+it's going on, and when I learn to get off--
+
+Yardsley.  Which you will very shortly.
+
+Barlow.  You bet! he's a dandy.  I taught him.
+
+Bradley.  I think I'll adore it.
+
+Perkins.  Buy a Czar wheel, Brad.  Best in the market; weighs only
+twenty pounds.  I've got one with a ki-yi pump and a pneumatic gun
+you can have for ten dollars.
+
+Jennie (at the door).  Supper is served ma'am.  [Exit.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Let us go out and restore our nerves.  Come, Emma.
+
+[She and Mrs. Bradley walk out.
+
+Yardsley (aside).  I say, Brad, you owe me five.
+
+Bradley.  What for?
+
+Yardsley.  Bail.
+
+Barlow.  Cheap too.
+
+Yardsley.  Very.  I think he ought to open a bottle besides.
+
+Perkins.  I'll attend to the bottles.  We'll have three.
+
+Barlow.  Two will be enough.
+
+Perkins.  Three--two of fizz for you and Bob and the ladies, and if
+Bradley will agree, I'll split a quart of Pond's Extract with him.
+
+Bradley.  I'll go you.  I think I could take care of the whole quart
+myself.
+
+Perkins.  Then we'll make it four bottles.
+
+Mrs. Perkins (appearing at door with her arm about Mrs. Bradley).
+Aren't you coming?
+
+Perkins (rising with difficulty).  As fast as we can, my dear.  We've
+been taking lessons, you know, and can't move as rapidly as the rest
+of you.  We're a trifle--ah--a trifle tired.  Yardsley, you tow
+Bradley into the dining room; and, Barlow, kindly pretend I'm a
+shawl, will you, and carry me in.
+
+Bradley.  I'll buy a wheel to-morrow.
+
+Perkins.  Don't, Brad.  I--I'll give you mine.  Fact is, old man, I
+don't exactly like feeling like a bird.
+
+[They go out, and as the last, Perkins and Bradley, disappear stiffly
+through the portieres, the curtain falls.
+
+
+
+A DRAMATIC EVENING
+
+
+
+CHARACTERS:
+
+MR. THADDEUS PERKINS, a victim.
+MR. EDWARD BRADLEY, a friend in disguise.
+MR. ROBERT YARDSLEY, an amiable villain.
+MR. JOHN BARLOW, the amiable villain's assistant.
+MRS. THADDEUS PERKINS, a martyr.
+MRS. EDWARD BRADLEY, a woman of executive ability.
+JENNIE, a housemaid.
+
+The scene is placed in the drawing-room of Mr. and Mrs. Thaddeus
+Perkins, of New York.  The time is a Saturday evening in the early
+spring, and the hour is approaching eight.  The curtain, rising,
+discovers Perkins, in evening dress, reading a newspaper by the light
+of a lamp on the table.  Mrs. Perkins is seated on the other side of
+the table, buttoning her gloves.  Her wrap is on a chair near at
+hand.  The room is gracefully over-furnished.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Where are the seats, Thaddeus?
+
+Perkins.  Third row; and, by Jove!  Bess (looking at his watch), we
+must hurry.  It is getting on towards eight now.  The curtain rises
+at 8.15.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  The carriage hasn't come yet.  It isn't more than a
+ten minutes' drive to the theatre.
+
+Perkins.  That's true, but there are so many carriage-folk going to
+see Irving that if we don't start early we'll find ourselves on the
+end of the line, and the first act will be half over before we can
+reach our seats.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  I'm so glad we've got good seats--down near the front.
+I despise opera-glasses, and seats under the galleries are so
+oppressive.
+
+Perkins.  Well, I don't know.  For The Lyons Mail I think a seat in
+the front row of the top gallery, where you can cheer virtue and hiss
+villany without making yourself conspicuous, is the best.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  You don't mean to say that you'd like to sit up with
+those odious gallery gods?
+
+Perkins.  For a melodrama, I do.  What's the use of clapping your
+gloved hands together at a melodrama?  That doesn't express your
+feelings.  I always want to put two fingers in my mouth and pierce
+the atmosphere with a regular gallery-god whistle when I see the
+villain laid low by the tow-headed idiot in the last act--but it
+wouldn't do in the orchestra.  You might as well expect the people in
+the boxes to eat peanuts as expect an orchestra-chair patron to
+whistle on his fingers.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  I should die of mortification if you ever should do
+such a vulgar thing, Thaddeus.
+
+Perkins.  Then you needn't be afraid, my dear.  I'm too fond of you
+to sacrifice you to my love for whistling.  (The front-door bell
+rings.)  Ah, there is the carriage at last.  I'll go and get my coat.
+
+[Mrs. Perkins rises, and is about to don her wrap as Mr. Perkins goes
+towards the door.
+
+Enter Mr. and Mrs. Bradley.  Perkins staggers backward in surprise.
+Mrs. Perkins lets her wrap fall to the floor, an expression of dismay
+on her face.
+
+Mrs. Perkins (aside).  Dear me!  I'd forgotten all about it.  _This_
+is the night the club is to meet here!
+
+Bradley.  Ah, Perkins, how d' y' do?  Glad to see me?  Gad! you don't
+look it.
+
+Perkins.  Glad is a word which scarcely expresses my feelings,
+Bradley.  I--I'm simply de-lighted.  (Aside to Mrs. Perkins, who has
+been greeting Mrs. Bradley.)  Here's a kettle of fish.  We must get
+rid of them, or we'll miss The Lyons Mail.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  You two are always so formal.  The idea of your
+putting on your dress suit, Thaddeus!  It'll be ruined before we are
+half through this evening.
+
+Bradley.  Certainly, Perkins.  Why, man, when you've been moving
+furniture and taking up carpets and ripping out fireplaces for an
+hour or two that coat of yours will be a rag--a veritable rag that
+the ragman himself would be dubious about buying.
+
+Perkins (aside).  Are these folk crazy?  Or am I?  (Aloud.)  Pulling
+up fireplaces?  Moving out furniture?  Am I to be dispossessed?
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Not by your landlord, but _you_ know what amateur
+dramatics are.
+
+Bradley.  I doubt it.  He wouldn't have let us have 'em here if he
+had known.
+
+Perkins.  Amateur--amateur dramatics?
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Certainly, Thaddeus.  You know we offered our parlor
+for the performance.  The audience are to sit out in the hall.
+
+Perkins.  Oh--ah!  Why, of course!  Certainly!  It had slipped my
+mind; and--ah--what else?
+
+Bradley.  Why, we're here to-night to arrange the scene.  Don't tell
+us you didn't know it.  Bob Yardsley's coming, and Barlow.
+Yardsley's a great man for amateur dramatics; he bosses things so
+pleasantly that you don't know you're being ordered about like a
+slave.  I believe he could persuade a man to hammer nails into his
+piano-case if he wanted it done, he's so insinuatingly lovely about
+it all.
+
+Perkins (absently).  I'll get a hammer.  [Exit.
+
+Mrs. Perkins (aside).  I must explain to Thaddeus.  He'll never
+forgive me.  (Aloud.)  Thaddeus is so forgetful that I don't believe
+he can find that hammer, so if you'll excuse me I'll go help him.
+[Exit.
+
+Bradley.  Wonder what's up?  They don't quarrel, do they?
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  I don't believe any one could quarrel with Bessie
+Perkins--not even a man.
+
+Bradley.  Well, they're queer.  Acted as if they weren't glad to see
+us.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Oh, that's all your imagination.  (Looks about the
+room.)  That table will have to be taken out, and all these chairs
+and cabinets; and the rug will never do.
+
+Bradley.  Why not?  I think the rug will look first-rate.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  A rug like that in a conservatory?  [A ring at the
+front-door bell is heard.
+
+Bradley.  Ah! maybe that's Yardsley.  I hope so.  If Perkins and his
+wife are out of sorts we want to hurry up and get through.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Oh, we'll be through by twelve o'clock.
+
+Enter Yardsley and Barlow.
+
+Yardsley.  Ah! here we are at last.  The wreckers have arrove.
+Where's Perkins?
+
+Barlow.  Taken to the woods, I fancy.  I say, Bob, don't you think
+before we begin we'd better give Perkins ether?  He'll suffer
+dreadful agony.
+
+Enter Mrs. Perkins, wiping her eyes.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  How do you do, Mr. Barlow? and you, Mr. Yardsley?  So
+glad to see you.  Thaddeus will be down in a minute.  He--ah--he
+forgot about the--the meeting here to-night, and he--he put on his
+dress-coat.
+
+Yardsley.  Bad thing to lift a piano in.  Better be without any coat.
+But I say we begin--eh?  If you don't mind, Mrs. Perkins.  We've got
+a great deal to do, and unfortunately hours are limited in length as
+well as in number.  Ah! that fireplace must be covered up.  Wouldn't
+do to have a fireplace in a conservatory.  Wilt all the flowers in
+ten minutes.
+
+Mrs. Perkins (meekly).  You needn't have the fire lit, need you?
+
+Barlow.  No--but--a fireplace without fire in it seems sort of--of
+bald, don't you think?
+
+Yardsley.  Bald?  Splendid word applied to a fireplace.  So few
+fireplaces have hair.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Oh, it could be covered up without any trouble,
+Bessie.  Can't we have those dining-room portieres to hang in front
+of it?
+
+Yardsley.  Just the thing.  Dining-room portieres always look well,
+whether they're in a conservatory or a street scene.  (Enter
+Perkins.)  Hello, Thaddeus!  How d' y'?  Got your overalls on?
+
+Perkins (trying to appear serene).  Yes.  I'm ready for anything.
+Anything I can do?
+
+Bradley.  Yes--look pleasant.  You look as if you were going to have
+your picture taken, or a tooth pulled.  Haven't you a smile you don't
+need that you can give us?  This isn't a funeral.
+
+Perkins (assuming a grin).  How'll that do?
+
+Barlow.  First-rate.  We'll have to make you act next.  That's the
+most villanous grin I ever saw.
+
+Yardsley.  I'll write a tragedy to go with it.  But I say, Thad, we
+want those dining-room portieres of yours.  Get 'em down for us, will
+you?
+
+Perkins.  Dining-room portieres!  What for?
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  They all think the fireplace would better be hid,
+Thaddeus, dear.  It wouldn't look well in a conservatory.
+
+Perkins.  I suppose not.  And the dining-room portieres are wanted to
+cover up the fireplace?
+
+Yardsley.  Precisely.  You have a managerial brain, Thaddeus.  _You_
+can see at once what a dining-room portiere is good for.  If ever I
+am cast away on a desert island, with nothing but a dining-room
+portiere for solace, I hope you'll be along to take charge of it.  In
+your hands its possibilities are absolutely unlimited.  Get them for
+us, old man; and while you are about it, bring a stepladder.  (Exit
+Perkins, dejectedly.)  Now, Barlow, you and Bradley help me with this
+piano.  Pianos may do well enough in gardens or pirates' caves, but
+for conservatories they're not worth a rap.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Wait a moment.  We must take the bric-a-brac from the
+top of it before you touch it.  If there are two incompatible things
+in this world, they are men and bric-a-brac.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  You are _so_ thoughtful, though I am sure that Mr.
+Yardsley would not break anything willingly.
+
+Barlow.  Nothing but the ten commandments.
+
+Yardsley.  They aren't bric-a-brac; and I thank you, Mrs. Perkins,
+for your expression of confidence.  I wouldn't intentionally go into
+the house of another man and toss his Sevres up in the air, or throw
+his Royal Worcester down-stairs, except under very great provocation.
+(Mrs. Perkins and Mrs. Bradley have by this time removed the bric-a-
+brac from the piano--an upright.)  Now, boys, are you ready?
+
+Bradley.  Where is it to be moved to?
+
+Yardsley.  Where would you prefer to have it, Mrs. Perkins?
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Oh, I have no preference in the matter.  Put it where
+you please.
+
+Yardsley.  Suppose you carry it up into the attic, Barlow.
+
+Barlow.  Certainly.  I'll be glad to if you'll carry the soft pedal.
+I'm always afraid when I'm carrying pianos up-stairs of breaking the
+soft pedal or dropping a few octaves.
+
+Yardsley.  I guess we'd better put it over in this corner, where the
+audience won't see it.  If you are so careless that you can't move a
+piano without losing its tone, we'd better not have it moved too far.
+Now, then.
+
+[Barlow, Yardsley, and Bradley endeavor to push the piano over the
+floor, but it doesn't move.
+
+Enter Perkins with two portieres wrapped about him, and hugging a
+small stepladder in his arms.
+
+Bradley.  Hurry up, Perkins.  Don't shirk so.  Can't you see that
+we're trying to get this piano across the floor?  Where are you at?
+
+Perkins (meekly).  I'm trying to make myself at home.  Do you expect
+me to hang on to these things and move pianos at the same time?
+
+Barlow.  Let him alone, Bradley.  He's doing the best he knows.  I
+always say give a man credit for doing what he can, whether he is
+intelligent or not.  Of course we don't expect you to hang on to the
+portieres and the stepladder while you are pushing the piano, Thad.
+That's too much to expect of any man of your size; some men might do
+it, but not all.  Drop the portieres.
+
+Perkins.  Where'll I put 'em?
+
+Yardsley.  Put them on the stepladder.
+
+Perkins (impatiently).  And where shall I put the stepladder--on the
+piano?
+
+Mrs. Perkins (coming to the rescue).  I'll take care of these things,
+Thaddeus, dear.
+
+Bradley.  That's right; put everything off on your wife.  What shirks
+some men are!
+
+Yardsley.  Now, then, Perkins, lend us your shoulder, and--one, two,
+three--push!  Ah!  She starts; she moves; she seems to feel the
+thrill of life along her keel.  We must have gained an inch.  Once
+more, now.  My, but this is a heavy piano!
+
+Bradley.  Must be full of Wagnerian music.  Why don't you get a piano
+of lighter quality, Perkins?  This isn't any kind of an instrument
+for amateur stage-hands to manage.
+
+Perkins.  I'll know better next time.  But is it where you want it
+now?
+
+Yardsley.  Not a bit of it.  We need one more push.  Get her rolling,
+and keep her rolling until she stands over there in that corner; and
+be careful to stop her in time, I should hate to push a piano through
+one of my host's parlor walls just for the want of a little care.
+(They push until the piano stands against the wall on the other side
+of the room, keyboard in.)  There!  That's first-rate.  You can put a
+camp-chair on top of it for the prompter to sit on; there's nothing
+like having the prompter up high, because amateur actors when they
+forget their lines, always look up in the air.  Perkins, go sit out
+in the hall and imagine yourself an enthusiastic audience--will you?--
+and tell us if you can see the piano.  If you can see it, we'll have
+to put it somewhere else.
+
+Perkins.  Do you mean it?
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Of course he doesn't, Mr. Perkins.  It's impossible to
+see it from the hall.  Now, I think the rug ought to come up.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Dear me! what for?
+
+Yardsley.  Oh, it wouldn't do at all to have that rug in the
+conservatory, Mrs. Perkins.  Besides, I should be afraid it would be
+spoiled.
+
+Perkins.  Spoiled?  What would spoil it?  Are you going to wear
+spiked shoes?
+
+Barlow.  Spiked shoes?  Thaddeus, really you ought to have your mind
+examined.  This scene is supposed to be just off the ballroom, and it
+is here that Gwendoline comes during the lanciers and encounters
+Hartley, the villain.  Do you suppose that even a villain in an
+amateur show would go to a ball with spiked shoes on?
+
+Perkins (wearily).  But I still fail to see what is to spoil the rug.
+Does the villain set fire to the conservatory in this play, or does
+he assassinate the virtuous hero here and spill his gore on the
+floor?
+
+Bradley.  What a blood-and-thunder idea of the drama you have!  Of
+course he doesn't.  There isn't a death in the whole play, and it's
+two hours long.  One or two people in the audience may die while the
+play is going on, but people who haven't strong constitutions
+shouldn't attend amateur shows.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  That's true, I fancy.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Very.  It would be very rude for one of your invited
+guests to cast a gloom over your evening by dying.
+
+Yardsley.  It is seldom done among people who know what is what.  But
+to explain the point you want explained, Thaddeus:  the rug might be
+spoiled by a leak in the fountain.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  The fountain?
+
+Perkins.  You don't mean to say you're going to have a fountain
+playing here?
+
+Bradley.  Certainly.  A conservatory without a fountain would be like
+"Hamlet" with Yorick's skull left out.  There's to be a fountain
+playing here, and a band playing in the next room--all in a green
+light, too.  It'll be highly effective.
+
+Perkins.  But how--how are you going to make the fountain go?  Is it
+to spurt real water?
+
+Yardsley.  Of course.  Did you ever see a fountain spurt sawdust or
+lemonade?  It's not a soda-water fountain either, but a straight
+temperance affair, such as you'll find in the homes of all truly good
+people.  Now don't get excited and raise obstacles.  The thing is
+simple enough if you know how to do it.  Got one of those English
+bath-tubs in the house?
+
+Perkins.  No.  But, of course, if you want a bath-tub, I'll have a
+regular porcelain one with running water, hot and cold, put in--two
+of 'em, if you wish.  Anything to oblige.
+
+Yardsley.  No; stationary bath-tubs are useful, but not exactly
+adapted to a conservatory.
+
+Barlow.  I brought my tub with me.  I knew Perkins hadn't one, and so
+I thought I'd better come provided.  It's out in the hall.  I'll get
+it.  [Exit.
+
+Mrs. Bradley (to Mrs. Perkins).  He's just splendid! never forgets
+anything.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  I should say not.  But, Mr. Yardsley, a bath-tub, even
+an English one, will not look very well, will it?
+
+Yardsley.  Oh, very.  You see, we'll put it in the centre of the
+room.  Just move that table out into the hall, Thaddeus.  (Enter
+Barlow with tub.)  Ah! now I'll show you.  (Perkins removes table.)
+You see, we put the tub here in the middle of the floor, then we
+surround it with potted plants.  That conceals the tub, and there's
+your fountain.
+
+Perkins.  But the water--how do you get that?
+
+Bradley.  We buy it in bottles, of course, and hire a boy to come in
+and pour it out every two minutes.  How dull you are, Perkins!  I'm
+surprised at you.
+
+Perkins.  I'm not over-bright, I must confess, when it comes to
+building fountains in parlors, with no basis but an English bath-tub
+to work on.
+
+Yardsley.  Did you ever hear of such a thing as a length of hose with
+a nozzle on one end and a Croton-water pipe at the other, Thaddeus
+Perkins?
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  But where is the Croton-water pipe?
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  In the butler's pantry.  The hose can be carried
+through the dining-room, across the hall into this room, and it will
+be dreadfully effective; and so safe, too, in case the curtain
+catches fire.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Oh, Emma!  You don't think--
+
+Perkins.  Cheerful prospect.  But I say, Yardsley, you have arranged
+for the water supply; how about its exit?  How does the water get out
+of the tub?
+
+Yardsley.  It doesn't, unless you want to bore a hole in the floor,
+and let it flow into the billiard-room below.  We've just got to
+hustle that scene along, so that the climax will be reached before
+the tub overflows.
+
+Barlow.  Perhaps we'd better test the thing now.  Maybe my tub isn't
+large enough for the scene.  It would be awkward if the heroine had
+to seize a dipper and bail the fountain out right in the middle of an
+impassioned rebuke to Hartley.
+
+Perkins.  All right--go ahead.  Test it.  Test anything.  I'll supply
+the Croton pipes.
+
+Yardsley.  None of you fellows happen to have a length of hose with
+you, do you?
+
+Bradley.  I left mine in my other clothes.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  That's just like you men.  You grow flippant over very
+serious matters.  For my part, if I am to play Gwendoline, I shall
+not bail out the fountain even to save poor dear Bessie's floor.
+
+Yardsley.  Oh, it'll be all right.  Only, if you see the fountain
+getting too full, speak faster.
+
+Barlow.  We might announce a race between the heroine and the
+fountain.  It would add to the interest of the play.  This is an
+athletic age.
+
+Perkins.  I suppose it wouldn't do to turn the water off in case of
+danger.
+
+Barlow.  It could be done, but it wouldn't look well.  The audience
+might think the fountain had had an attack of stage fright.  Where is
+the entrance from the ballroom to be?
+
+Yardsley.  It ought to be where the fireplace is.  That's one reason
+why I think the portieres will look well there.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  But I don't see how that can be.  Nobody could come in
+there.  There wouldn't be room behind for any one to stand, would
+there?
+
+Bradley.  I don't know.  That fireplace is large, and only two people
+have to come in that way.  The rising curtain discloses Gwendoline
+just having come in.  If Hartley, the villain, and Jack Pendleton,
+the manly young navy officer, who represents virtue, and dashes in at
+the right moment to save Gwendoline, could sit close and stand the
+discomfort of it, they might squeeze in there and await their cues.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Sit in the fireplace?
+
+Yardsley.  Yes.  Why not?
+
+Perkins.  Don't you interfere, Bess, Yardsley is managing this show,
+and if he wants to keep the soubrette waiting on the mantel-piece
+it's his lookout, and not ours.
+
+Yardsley.  By-the-way, Thaddeus, Wilkins has backed out, and you are
+to play the villain.
+
+Perkins.  I?  Never!
+
+Barlow.  Oh, but you must.  All you have to do is frown and rant and
+look real bad.
+
+Perkins.  But I can't act.
+
+Bradley.  That doesn't make any difference.  We don't want a villain
+that the audience will fall in love with.  That would be immoral.
+The more you make them despise you, the better.
+
+Perkins.  Well--I positively decline to sit in the fireplace.  I tell
+you that right now.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Don't waste time talking about petty details.  Let the
+entrance be there.  We can hang the curtain on a frame two feet out
+from the wall, so that there will be plenty of room behind for
+Hartley and Pendleton to stand.  The frame can be fastened to the
+wood-work of the mantel-piece.  It may take a screw or two to hold
+it, but they'll be high up, so nobody will notice the holes in the
+wood after it comes down.  The point that bothers me is this wall-
+paper.  People don't put wall-papers on their conservatories.
+
+Perkins (sarcastically).  I'll have the room repapered in sheet-
+glass.  Or we might borrow a few hot-bed covers and hang them from
+the picture moulding, so that the place would look like a real
+greenhouse.
+
+Yardsley.  Napoleonic idea.  Barlow, jot down among the properties
+ten hot-bed covers, twenty picture-hooks, and a coil of wire.  You're
+developing, Perkins.
+
+Mrs. Perkins (ruefully, aside).  I wish Thaddeus's jokes weren't
+always taken seriously.  The idea of my drawing-room walls being hung
+with hot-bed covers!  Why, it's awful.
+
+Yardsley.  Well, now that that's settled, we'll have to dispose of
+the pictures.  Thaddeus, I wish you'd take down the pictures on the
+east wall, so that we can put our mind's eye on just how we shall
+treat the background.  The mere hanging of hot-bed covers there will
+not do.  The audience could see directly through the glass, and the
+wall-paper would still destroy the illusion.
+
+Perkins.  Anything.  Perhaps if you got a jack-plane and planed the
+walls off it would suffice.
+
+Bradley.  Don't be sarcastic, my boy.  Remember we didn't let you
+into this.  You volunteered.
+
+Perkins.  I know it, Bradley.  The house is yours.
+
+Barlow.  I said you had paresis when you made the offer, Perkins.  If
+you want to go to law about it, I think you could get an injunction
+against us--or, rather, Mrs. Perkins could--on the ground that you
+were non compos at the time.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Why, we're most happy to have you, I'm sure.
+
+Perkins.  So 'm I.  (Aside.)  Heaven forgive me that!
+
+Yardsley.  By-the-way, Thad, there's one thing I meant to have spoken
+about as soon as I got here.  Er--is this _your_ house, or do you
+rent it?
+
+Perkins.  I rent it.  What has that to do with it?
+
+Bradley.  A great deal.  You don't think we'd treat _your_ house as
+we would a common landlord's, do you?  You wouldn't yourself.
+
+Yardsley.  That's the point.  If you own the house we want to be
+careful and consider your feelings.  If you _don't_, we don't care
+what happens.
+
+Perkins.  I don't own the house.  (Aside.)  And under the
+circumstances I'm rather glad I don't.
+
+Yardsley.  Well, I'm glad you don't.  My weak point is my conscience,
+and when it comes to destroying a friend's property, I don't exactly
+like to do it.  But if this house belongs to a sordid person, who
+built it just to put money in his own pocket, I don't care.  Barlow,
+you can nail those portieres up.  It won't be necessary to build a
+frame for them.  Bradley, carry the chairs and cabinets out.
+
+[Bradley, assisted by Perkins, removes the remaining furniture,
+placing the bric-a-brac on the floor.
+
+Barlow.  All right.  Where's that stepladder?  Thaddeus, got any
+nails?
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  I--I think we'd rather have a frame, Mr. Yardsley.
+_We_ can have one made, can't we, Thaddeus?
+
+Perkins.  Certainly.  We can have anything made.  (Aside.)  I suppose
+I'd build a theatre for 'em if they asked me to, I'm such a
+confounded--
+
+Yardsley.  Oh no.  Of course, if you'd prefer it, we'll send a frame.
+I don't think nails would look well in this ceiling, after all.
+Temporarily, though, Barlow, you might hang those portieres from the
+picture-moulding.
+
+Barlow.  There isn't any.
+
+Yardsley.  Well, then, we'll have to imagine how it will look.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  All the bric-a-brac will have to be taken from the
+room.
+
+Yardsley.  True.  Perkins, you know the house better than we do.
+Suppose you take the bric-a-brac out and put it where it will be
+safe.
+
+Perkins.  Certainly.
+
+[Begins to remove bric-a-brac.
+
+Yardsley.  Now let's count up.  Here's the fountain.
+
+Barlow.  Yes; only we haven't the hose.
+
+Bradley.  Well, make a note of it.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Emma, can't we help Thaddeus?
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Of course.  I'll carry out the fender, and you take
+the andirons.
+
+[They do so.
+
+Yardsley.  The entrance will be here, and here will be the curtain.
+How about footlights?
+
+Bradley.  This bracket will do for a connection.  Any plumber can
+take this bracket off and fasten a rubber pipe to it.
+
+Yardsley.  First-rate.  Barlow, make a note of one plumber, one
+length of rubber pipe, and foot-lights.
+
+Bradley.  And don't forget to have potted plants and palms, and so
+forth, galore.
+
+Barlow.  No.  I'll make a note of that.  Will this sofa do for a
+conservatory?
+
+Yardsley.  Jove!  Glad you mentioned that.  Won't do at all.
+Thaddeus! (No answer.)  I hope we haven't driven him to drink.
+
+Bradley.  So do I.  I'd rather he'd lead us to it.
+
+Yardsley.  Thaddeus!
+
+Perkins (from without).  Well?
+
+Yardsley.  Do you happen to have any conservatory benches in the
+house?
+
+Mrs. Perkins (appearing in doorway).  We have a patent laundry table.
+
+Barlow.  Just the thing.
+
+Yardsley (calling).  Bring up the patent laundry table, Thaddeus.
+(To Bradley.)  What is a patent laundry table?
+
+Bradley.  It's what my wife calls the cook's delight.  It's an
+ironing-board on wash-days, a supper table at supper-time, and on the
+cook's reception days it can be turned into a settee.
+
+Yardsley.  It describes well.
+
+Perkins (from a distance).  Hi! come down and help me with this
+thing.  I can't carry it up alone.
+
+Yardsley.  All right, Perk.  Bradley, you and Barlow help Thaddeus.
+I'll move these other chairs and tables out.  It's getting late, and
+we'll have to hustle.
+
+[Exit Barlow.  Bradley meanwhile has been removing pictures from the
+walls, and, as Yardsley speaks, is standing on the stepladder
+reaching up for a painting.
+
+Bradley.  What do you take me for--twins?
+
+Yardsley.  Don't get mad, now, Bradley.  If there's anything that can
+add to the terror of amateur theatricals it's temper.
+
+Mrs. Bradley (from without).  Edward, come here right away.  I want
+you to move the hat-stand, and see how many people can be seated in
+this hall.
+
+Bradley.  Oh yes, certainly, my dear--of course.  Right away.  My
+name is Legion--or Dennis.
+
+Yardsley.  That's the spirit.  (A crash is heard without.)  Great
+Scott!  What's that?
+
+Mrs. Perkins (without).  Oh, Thaddeus!
+
+Bradley.  They've dropped the cook's delight.
+
+[He comes down from the stepladder.  He and Yardsley go out.  The
+pictures are piled up on the floor, the furniture is topsy-turvy, and
+the portieres lie in a heap on the hearth.
+
+Enter Mrs. Perkins.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Dear, dear, dear!  What a mess!  And poor Thaddeus!
+I'm glad he wasn't hurt; but I--I'm afraid I heard him say words I
+never heard him say before when Mr. Barlow let the table slip.  Wish
+I hadn't said anything about the table.
+
+Enter Mrs. Bradley.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  These men will drive me crazy.  They are making more
+fuss carrying that laundry table up-stairs than if it were a house;
+and the worst of it is our husbands are losing their tempers.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Well, I don't wonder.  It must be awfully trying to
+have a laundry table fall on you.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Oh, Thaddeus is angelic, but Edward is absolutely
+inexcusable.  He swore a minute ago, and it sounded particularly
+profane because he had a screw and a picture-hook in his mouth.
+
+Yardsley (outside).  It's almost as heavy as the piano.  I don't see
+why, either.
+
+[The four men appear at the door, staggering under the weight of the
+laundry table.
+
+Perkins (as they set it down).  Whew!  That's what I call work.  What
+makes this thing so heavy?
+
+Mrs. Bradley (as she opens a drawer and takes out a half-dozen patent
+flat-irons and a handle).  This has something to do with it.  Why
+didn't you take out the drawer first?
+
+Yardsley.  It wasn't my fault.  They'd started with it before I took
+hold.  I didn't know it had a drawer, though I did wonder what it was
+that rattled around inside of it.
+
+Bradley.  It wasn't for me to suggest taking the drawer out.
+Thaddeus ought to have thought of that.
+
+Perkins (angrily).  Well, of all--
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Never mind.  It's here, and it's all right.
+
+Yardsley.  That's so.  We musn't quarrel.  If we get started, we'll
+never stop.  Now, Perkins, roll up that rug, and we'll get things
+placed, and then we'll be through.
+
+Barlow.  Come on; I'll help.  Bradley, get those pictures off the
+rug.  Don't be so careless of Mrs. Perkins's property.
+
+Bradley.  Careless?  See here now, Barlow--
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Now, Edward--no temper.  Take the pictures out.
+
+Bradley.  And where shall I take the pictures out to?
+
+Yardsley.  Put 'em on the dining-room table.
+
+Perkins (aside).  Throw 'em out the window, for all I care.
+
+Bradley.  Eh?
+
+Perkins.  Nothing.  I--er--I only said to put 'em--er--to put 'em
+wherever you pleased.
+
+Bradley.  But _I_ can't say where they're to go, Thaddeus.  This
+isn't my house.
+
+Perkins (aside).  No--worse luck--it's mine.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Oh--put them in the dining-room; they'll be safe
+there.
+
+Bradley.  I will.
+
+[He begins carrying the pictures out.  Perkins, Barlow, and Yardsley
+roll up the rug.
+
+Yardsley.  There!  You fellows might as well carry that out too; and
+then we'll be ready for the scene.
+
+Barlow.  Come along, Thaddeus.  You're earning your pay to-night.
+
+Perkins (desperately).  May I take my coat off?  I'm boiling.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Certainly.  I wonder you didn't think of it before.
+
+Perkins.  Think?  I never think.
+
+Yardsley.  Well, go ahead in your thoughtless way and get the rug
+out.  You are delaying us.
+
+Perkins.  All right.  Come on.  Barlow, are you ready?
+
+Barlow.  I am.  [They drag the rug out.
+
+Yardsley.  At last.  (Replaces the tub.)  There's the fountain.  Now
+where shall we put the cook's delight?
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Over here, I should say.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  I think it would be better here.
+
+Bradley (who has returned).  Put it half-way between 'em, Yardsley.
+I say give in always to the ladies; and when they don't agree,
+compromise.  It's a mighty poor woman that isn't half right
+occasionally.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Edward!
+
+Yardsley (adopting the suggestion).  There!  How's that?
+
+Perkins (returning).  Perfect.  I never saw such an original
+conservatory in my life.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  I suppose it's all right.  What do you think, Emma?
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Why, it's simply fine.  Of course it requires a little
+imagination to see it as it will be on the night of the performance;
+but in general I don't see how it could be better.
+
+Barlow.  No--nor I.  It's great as it is, but when we get the hot-bed
+covers hung, and the fountain playing, and plants arranged gracefully
+all around, it will be ideal.  I say we ought to give Yardsley a vote
+of thanks.
+
+Perkins.  That's so.  We're very much indebted to Yardsley.
+
+Yardsley.  Never mind that.  I enjoy the work very much.
+
+Perkins.  So glad.  (Aside.)  I wonder when _we_ get a vote of
+thanks?
+
+Bradley (looking at his watch).  By Jove, Emma, it's after eleven!
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  After eleven?  Dear me!  I had no idea it was as late
+as that.  How time flies when you are enjoying yourself!  Really,
+Edward, you ought not to have overlooked the time.  You know--
+
+Bradley.  I supposed you knew we couldn't pull a house down in five
+minutes.
+
+Perkins.  What's become of the clock?
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  I don't know.  Who took the clock out?
+
+Barlow.  I did.  It's under the dining-room table.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Well, we mustn't keep Bessie up another moment.  Good-
+night, my dear.  We have had a delightful time.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Good-night.  I am sure we have enjoyed it.
+
+Perkins (aside).  Oh yes, indeed; _we_ haven't had so much fun since
+the children had the mumps.
+
+Yardsley.  Well, so-long, Perkins.  Thanks for your help.
+
+Perkins.  By-by.
+
+Barlow.  Good-night.
+
+Yardsley.  Don't bother about fixing up to-night, Perkins.  I'll be
+around to-morrow evening and help put things in order again.
+
+[They all go out.  The good-nights are repeated, and finally the
+front door is closed.
+
+Re-enter Perkins, who falls dejectedly on the settee, followed by
+Mrs. Perkins, who gives a rueful glance at the room.
+
+Perkins.  I'm glad Yardsley's coming to fix us up again.  I _never_
+could do it.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Then I must.  I can't ask Jennie to do it, she'd
+discharge us at once, and I can't have my drawing-room left this way
+over Sunday.
+
+Perkins (wearily).  Oh, well, shall we do it now?
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  No, you poor dear man; we'll stay home from church to-
+morrow morning and do it.  It won't be any harder work than reading
+the Sunday newspapers.  What have you there?
+
+Perkins (looking at two tickets he has abstracted from his vest-
+pocket).  Tickets for Irving--this evening--Lyons Mail--third row
+from the stage.  I was just thinking--
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Don't tell me what you were thinking, my dear.  It
+can't be expressible in polite language.
+
+Perkins.  You are wrong there, my dear.  I wasn't thinking cuss-words
+at all.  I was only reflecting that we didn't miss much anyhow, under
+the circumstances.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Miss much?  Why, Thaddeus, what _do_ you mean?
+
+Perkins.  Nothing--only that for action continuous and situations
+overpowering The Lyons Mail isn't a marker to an evening of
+preparation for Amateur Dramatics.
+
+Enter Jennie.
+
+Jennie.  Excuse me, mim, but the coachman says shall he wait any
+longer?  He's been there three hours now.
+
+[CURTAIN]
+
+
+
+THE FATAL MESSAGE
+
+
+
+CHARACTERS:
+
+MR. THADDEUS PERKINS, in charge of the curtain.
+MRS. THADDEUS PERKINS, cast for Lady Ellen.
+MISS ANDREWS, cast for the maid.
+MR. EDWARD BRADLEY, an under-study.
+MRS. EDWARD BRADLEY, cast for Lady Amaranth.
+MR. ROBERT YARDSLEY, stage-manager.
+MR. JACK BARLOW, cast for Fenderson Featherhead.
+MR. CHESTER HENDERSON, an absentee.
+JENNIE, a professional waitress.
+
+The scene is laid in the library of the Perkins mansion, on the
+afternoon of the day upon which an amateur dramatic performance is to
+be held therein.  The Perkins house has been given over to the
+dramatic association having the matter in charge.  At right of
+library a scenic doorway is hung.  At left a drop-curtain is
+arranged, behind which is the middle hall of the Perkins dwelling,
+where the expected audience are to sit.  The unoccupied wall spaces
+are hung with paper-muslin.  The apartment is fitted up generally to
+resemble an English drawing-room; table and chair at centre.  At rear
+stands a painted-canvas conservatory entrance, on left of which is a
+long oaken chest.  The curtain rising discovers Mrs. Perkins giving a
+few finishing touches to the scene, with Mr. Perkins gazing curiously
+about the room.
+
+Perkins.  Well, they've transformed this library into a scene of
+bewitching beauty--haven't they?  These paper-muslin walls are a
+dream of loveliness.  I suppose, as the possessor of all this, I
+ought to be supremely happy--only I wish that canvas conservatory
+door hadn't been tacked over my reference-books.  I want to look up
+some points about--
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Oh, never mind your books, Thaddeus; it's only for one
+night.  Can't you take a minute's rest?
+
+Perkins.  One night?  I like that.  It's been there two already, and
+it's in for to-night, and all day to-morrow, I suppose.  It'll take
+all day to-morrow to clean up, I'll wager a hat.  I'm beginning to
+rue the hour I ever allowed the house of Perkins to be lured into the
+drama.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  You're better off than I am.  I've got to take part,
+and I don't half know my lines.
+
+Perkins.  I?  I better off?  I'd like to know if I haven't got to sit
+out in front and watch you people fulfil your diabolical mission in
+your doubly diabolical way, and grin at the fearful jokes in the
+dialogue I've been listening to for weeks, and make the audience feel
+that they are welcome when they're not.  What's been done with my
+desk?
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  It's down in the laundry.  You're about as--
+
+Perkins.  Oh, is it?  Laundry is a nice place for a desk.  Plenty of
+starch handy to stiffen up a writer's nerve, and scrubbing-boards
+galore to polish up his wits.  And I suppose my papers are up in the
+attic?
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  No; they're stowed away safely in the nursery.  Now
+please don't complain!
+
+Perkins.  Me?  Complain?  I never complain.  I didn't say a word when
+Yardsley had my Cruikshanks torn from their shelves and chucked into
+a clothes-basket and carried into the butler's pantry, did I?  Did I
+say as much as one little word?  I wanted to say one little word, I
+admit, but I didn't.  Did I?  If I did, I withdraw it.  I'm fond of
+this sort of thing.  The greatest joy in life is to be found in
+arranging and rearranging a library, and I seem to be in for joy
+enough to kill.  What time are the--these amateur Thespians coming?
+
+Mrs. Perkins (looking at her watch).  They're due now; it's half-past
+four.  (Sits down and opens play-book.  Rehearses.)  No, not for all
+the world would I do this thing, Lord Muddleton.  There is no need to
+ask it of me.  I am firm.  I shall--
+
+Perkins, Oh, let up, my dear!  I've been getting that for breakfast,
+dinner, and tea for two weeks now, and I'm awfully tired of it.  When
+I asked for a second cup of coffee at breakfast Sunday, you retorted,
+"No, not for all the world would I do this thing, Lord Muddleton!"
+When I asked you where my dress ties were, you informed me that it
+was "what baseness," or words to that effect; and so on, until I
+hardly know where I am at.  (Catches sight of the chest.)  Hello!
+How did that happen to escape the general devastation?  What are you
+going to do with that oak chest?
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  It is for the real earl to hide in just before he
+confronts Muddleton with the evidence of his crime.
+
+Perkins.  But--that holds all my loose prints, Bess.  By Jove!  I
+can't have that, you know.  You amateur counterfeiters have got to
+understand just one thing.  I'll submit to the laundering of my
+manuscripts, the butler's-pantrying of my Cruikshanks, but I'll be
+hanged if I'll allow even a real earl, much less a base imitation of
+one, to wallow in my engravings.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  You needn't worry about your old engravings.  They're
+perfectly safe, I've put them in the Saratoga trunk in the attic.
+(Rehearsing.)  And if you ask it of me once again, I shall have to
+summon my servants to have you shown the door.  Henry Cobb is the
+friend of my girlhood, and--
+
+Perkins.  Henry Cobb be--
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Thaddeus!
+
+Perkins.  I don't care, Bess, if Henry Cobb was the only friend you
+ever had.  I object to having my prints dumped into a Saratoga trunk
+in order that he may confront Muddleton and regain the lost estates
+of Puddingford by hiding in my chest.  A gay earl Yardsley makes,
+anyhow; and as for Barlow, he looks like an ass in that yellow-
+chrysanthemum wig.  No man with yellow hair like that could track
+such a villain as Henderson makes Muddleton out to be.  Fact is,
+Henderson is the only decent part of the show.
+
+Mrs. Perkins (rehearsing).  What if he is weak?  Then shall I still
+more strongly show myself his friend.  Poor?  Does not--
+
+Perkins.  Oh, I suppose it does--(Bell rings.)  There comes this
+apology for a real earl, I fancy.  I'll let him in myself.  I suppose
+Jennie has got as much as she can do sweeping my manuscripts out of
+the laundry, and keeping my verses from scorching the wash.  [Exit.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  It's too bad of Thaddeus to go on like this.  As if I
+hadn't enough to worry me without a cross husband to manage.  Heigho!
+
+Enter Perkins with Yardsley.  Yardsley holds bicycle cap in hand.
+
+Yardsley.  By Jove!  I'm tired.  Everything's been going wrong to-
+day.  Overslept myself, to begin with, and somebody stole my hat at
+the club, and left me this bicycle cap in its place.  How are you
+getting along, Mrs. Perkins?  You weren't letter perfect yesterday,
+you know.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  I'm getting it all right, I think.  I've been
+rehearsing all day.
+
+Perkins.  You bet your life on that, Henry Cobb, real Earl of
+Puddingford.  If you aren't restored to your estates and title this
+night, it won't be for any lack of suffering on my part.  Give me
+your biking cap, unless you want to use it in the play.  I'll hang it
+up.  [Exit.
+
+Yardsley.  Thanks.  (Looks about the room.)  Everything here seems to
+be right.
+
+Perkins returns.
+
+Mrs. Perkins (rehearsing).  And henceforth, my lord, let us
+understand one another.
+
+Perkins.  Certainly, my dear.  I'll go and have myself translated.
+Would you prefer me in French, German, or English?
+
+Yardsley.  I hope it goes all right to-night.  But, I must say, I
+don't like the prospect.  This beastly behavior of Henderson's has
+knocked me out.
+
+Perkins.  What's the matter with Henderson?
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  He hasn't withdrawn, has he?
+
+Yardsley.  That's just what he has done.  He sent me word this
+morning.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  But what excuse does he offer?  At the last moment,
+too!
+
+Yardsley.  None at all--absolutely.  There was some airy persiflage
+in his note about having to go to Boston at six o'clock.
+Grandmother's sick or something.  He writes so badly I couldn't make
+out whether she was rich or sick.  I fancy it's a little of both.
+Possibly if she wasn't rich he wouldn't care so much when she fell
+ill.  That's the trouble with these New-Englanders, anyhow--they've
+always got grandmothers to fall down at crucial moments.  Next time I
+go into this sort of thing it'll be with a crowd without known
+ancestors.
+
+Perkins.  'Tisn't Chet's fault, though.  You don't suspect him of
+having poisoned his grandmother just to get out of playing, do you?
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Oh, Thaddeus, do be serious!
+
+Perkins.  I was never more so, my dear.  Poisoning one's grandmother
+is no light crime.
+
+Yardsley.  Well, I've a notion that the whole thing is faked up.
+Henderson has an idea that he's a little tin Booth, and just because
+I called him down the other night at our first rehearsal he's mad.
+That's the milk in the cocoanut, I think.  He's one of those fellows
+you can't tell anything to, and when I kicked because he wore a white
+tie with a dinner coat, he got mad and said he was going to dress the
+part his own way or not at all.
+
+Perkins.  I think he was right.
+
+Yardsley.  Oh yes, of course I'm never right.  What am I stage-
+manager for?
+
+Perkins.  Oh, as for that, of course, you are the one in authority,
+but you were wrong about the white tie and the dinner coat.  He was a
+bogus earl, an adventurer, wasn't he?
+
+Yardsley.  Yes, he was, but--
+
+Perkins.  Well, no real earl would wear a white tie with a dinner
+coat unless he were visiting in America.  I grant you that if he were
+going to a reception in New York he might wear a pair of golf
+trousers with a dinner coat, but in this instance his dress simply
+showed his bogusity, as it were.  He merely dressed the part.
+
+Yardsley.  He doesn't want to make it too plain, however, so I was
+right after all.  His villany is to come as a painful surprise.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  But what are we to do?  Have you got anybody else to
+take his part?
+
+Yardsley.  Yes.  I telegraphed right off to Bradley, explained as far
+as I could in a telegram without using all the balance in the
+treasury, and he answered all right.  Said he'd bone at the part all
+day, and would be here at five letter perfect.
+
+Mrs. Perkins (with a sigh of relief).  Good.  He's very quick at
+learning a thing.  I imagine it will be all right.  I've known him to
+learn a harder part than that in five hours.  It'll be pleasanter for
+Emma, too.  She didn't like those scenes she had as Lady Amaranth the
+adventuress with Henderson.  He kept her off the middle of the stage
+all the time; but with her husband it will be different.
+
+Perkins.  I'll bet on that!  No good-natured husband of a new women
+ever gets within a mile of the centre of the stage while she's on it.
+She'll have stage room to burn in her scenes with Brad.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  I think it was awfully mean of Mr. Henderson, though.
+
+Yardsley.  Disgusting.
+
+Perkins.  It was inconsiderate.  So hard on his grandmother, too, to
+be compelled to knock under just to get him out of a disagreeble
+situation.  She ought to disinherit him.
+
+Yardsley.  Oh, it's easy enough to be sarcastic.
+
+Perkins.  That's so, Bob; that's why I never am.  It's commonplace.
+(Bell rings.)  Ah, there's the rest of the troupe, I guess.  [Exit.
+
+Yardsley (looking at his watch).  It's about time.  They're twenty
+minutes late.
+
+Mrs. Perkins (rehearsing).  So once for all, Lord Muddleton--
+(derisively)--ha, ha!  Lord Muddleton! that _is_ amusing.  You--Lord
+Muddleton!  Ha, ha!  Once for all, Lord Muddleton.  I acquaint you
+with my determination.  I shall not tell Henry Cobb what I have
+discovered, since I have promised, but none the less he shall know.
+Walls have ears--even that oaken chest by yinder wonder--
+
+Yardsley (irritated).  Excuse me, Mrs. Perkins; but really you must
+get that phrase right.  You've called it yinder wonder at every
+rehearsal we've had so far.  I know it's difficult to get right.
+Yonder window is one of those beastly combinations that playwrights
+employ to make the Thespian's pathway to fame a rocky one; but you
+must get over it, and say it right.  Practise it for an hour, if need
+be--yonder window, yonder winder--I mean, yonder window--until it
+comes easy.
+
+Mrs. Perkins (meekly).  I have, and it doesn't seem to do any good.
+I've tried and tried to get it right, but yonder window is all I can
+say.
+
+Yardsley.  But yinder window is--I should say, yonder window is
+correct.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Well, I'm just going to change it, that's all.  It
+shall be yonder casement.
+
+Yardsley.  Good idea.  Only don't say yonder basement by mistake.
+
+Enter Perkins, followed by Barlow.
+
+Perkins.  Here's Mr. Featherhead.  He's rehearsing too.  As I opened
+the door he said, "Give me good-morrow."
+
+Barlow (smiling).  Yes; and Thaddeus replied, "Good-yesterday, me
+friend," in tones which reminded me of Irving with bronchitis.
+What's this I hear about Henderson's grandmother?
+
+Yardsley.  Thrown up the part.
+
+Barlow.  His grandmother?
+
+Yardsley.  No--idiot--Henderson.  He's thrown up his grandmother--oh,
+hang it!--you know what I mean.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  I hope you're not going to net gervous, Mr. Yardsley.
+If you break down, what on earth will become of the rest of us?
+
+Yardsley.  I hope not--but I am.  I'm as nervous as a cat living its
+ninth life.  Here we are three or four hours before the performance,
+and no one knows whether we'll be able to go through it or not.  My
+reputation as a manager is at stake.  Barlow, how are you getting
+along on those lines in the revelation scene?
+
+Barlow.  Had 'em down fine on the cable-car as I came up.  Ha-ha!
+People thought I was crazy, I guess.  I was so full of it I kept
+repeating it softly to myself all the way up; but when we got to that
+Fourteenth Street curve the car gave a fearful lurch and fairly shook
+the words "villanous viper" out of me; and as I was standing when we
+began the turn, and was left confronting a testy old gentleman upon
+whose feet I had trodden twice, at the finish, I nearly got into
+trouble.
+
+Perkins (wish a laugh).  Made a scene, eh?
+
+Barlow (joining in the laugh).  Who wouldn't?  Each time I stepped on
+his foot he glared--regular Macbeth stare--like this:  "Is this a
+jagger which I see before me?"  (Suits action to word.)  But I never
+let on I saw, but continued to rehearse.  When the lurch came,
+however, and I toppled over on top of him, grabbed his shoulders in
+my hands to keep from sprawling in his lap, and hissed "villanous
+viper" in his face, he was inclined to resent it forcibly.
+
+Yardsley.  I don't blame him.  Seems to me a man of your intelligence
+ought to know better than to rehearse on a cable-car, anyhow, to say
+nothing of stepping on a man's corns.
+
+Barlow.  Of course I apologized; but he was a persistent old codger,
+and demanded an explanation of my epithet.
+
+Perkins.  It's a wonder he didn't have you put off.  A man doesn't
+like to be insulted even if he does ride on the cable.
+
+Barlow.  Oh, I appeased him.  I told him I was rehearsing.  That I
+was an amateur actor.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  And of course he was satisfied.
+
+Barlow.  Yes; at least I judge so.  He said that my confession was
+humiliation enough, without his announcing to the public what he
+thought I was; and he added, to the man next him, that he thought the
+public was exposed to enough danger on the cable cars without having
+lunatics thrust upon them at every turning.
+
+Perkins.  He must have been a bright old man.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Or a very crabbed old person.
+
+Barlow.  Oh, well, it was an experience, but it rather upset me, and
+for the life of me I haven't been able to remember the opening lines
+of the scene since.
+
+Perkins.  Well, if the audience drive you off the stage, you can sue
+the cable company.  They ought to be careful how they lurch a man's
+brains out.
+
+Yardsley.  That's right--joke ahead.  It's fun for you.  All you've
+got to do is to sit out in front and pull the curtain up and down
+when we ring a bell.  You're a great one to talk about brains, you
+are.  It's a wonder to me you don't swoon under your responsibility.
+
+Mrs. Perkins (rehearsing).  So once for all, as he says, so say I--
+
+Perkins.  Ah!  Indeed!  You take his part, do you?
+
+Mrs. Perkins (rehearsing).  You must leave this house at once and
+forever.  I once thought I loved you, but now all is changed, and I
+take this opportunity to thank my deliverer, Fenderson Featherhead--
+
+Perkins.  Oh--ah--rehearsing.  I see.  I thought you'd gone over to
+the enemy, my dear.  Featherhead, step up and accept the lady's
+thanks.  Cobb, join me in the dining room, and we'll drown our
+differences in tasting the punch, which, between you and me, is
+likely to be the best part of to-night's function, for I made it
+myself though, if Tom Harkaway is in the audience, and Bess follows
+out her plan of having the flowing bowl within reach all the evening,
+I'm afraid it'll need an under-study along about nine o'clock.  He's
+a dry fellow, that Harkaway.
+
+[Exit Perkins, dragging Yardsley by the arm.
+
+Barlow (calling after them).  Don't you touch it, Bob.  It's potent
+stuff.  One glass may postpone the performance.
+
+Yardsley (from behind the scenes).  Never fear for me, my boy.  I've
+got a head, I have.
+
+Barlow.  Well, don't get another.  (Turning to Mrs. Perkins.)
+Suppose we rehearse that scene where I acquaint you with Cobb's real
+position in life?
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Very well.  I'm ready.  I'm to sit here, am I not?
+[Seats herself by table.
+
+Barlow.  And I come in here.  (Begins.)  Ah, Lady Ellen, I am glad to
+find you alone, for I have that to say--
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Won't you be seated, Mr. Featherhead?  It was such a
+delightful surprise to see you at the Duchess of Barncastle's last
+evening.  I had supposed you still in Ireland.
+
+Barlow (aside).  Good.  She little thinks that I have just returned
+from Australia, where I have at last discovered the identity of the
+real Earl of Puddingford, as well as that of this bogus Muddleton,
+who, by his nefarious crime, has deprived Henry Cobb of his
+patrimony, of his title, aye, even of his name.  She little wots that
+this--this adventurer who has so strongly interested her by his
+nepotic--
+
+Mrs. Perkins (interrupting).  Hypnotic, Mr. Barlow.
+
+Barlow.  What did I say?
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Nepotic.
+
+Barlow.  How stupid of me!  I'll begin again.
+
+Mrs. Perkins (desperately).  Oh, pray don't.  Go on from where you
+left off.  That's a fearfully long aside, anyhow, and I go nearly
+crazy every time you say it.  I don't know what to do with myself.
+It's easy enough for Mr. Yardsley to say occupy yourself somehow, but
+what I want to know is, how?  I can't look inquiringly at you all
+that time, waiting for you to say "Ireland!  Oh, yes--yes--just over
+from Dublin."  I can't lean against the mantel-piece and gaze into
+the fire, because the mantel-piece is only canvas, and would fall
+down if I did.
+
+Barlow.  It's a long aside, Mrs. Perkins, but it's awfully important,
+and I don't see how we can cut it down.  It's really the turning-
+point of the play, in which I reveal the true state of affairs to the
+audience.
+
+Mrs. Perkins (with a sigh).  I suppose that's true.  I'll have to
+stand it.  But can't I be doing some sewing?
+
+Barlow.  Certainly not.  You are the daughter of a peer.  They never
+sew.  You might be playing a piano, but there's hardly room on the
+stage for that, and, besides, it would interfere with my aside, which
+needs a hush to be made impressive.  Where did I leave off?
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Hypnotic power.
+
+Barlow.  Oh yes.  (Resumes rehearsing.)  She little wots that this--
+this adventurer who has so strangely interested her with his hypnotic
+power is the man who twenty years ago forged her father's name to the
+title-deeds of Burnington, drove him to his ruin, and subsequently,
+through a likeness so like as to bewilder and confuse even a mother's
+eyes, has forced the rightful Earl of Puddingford out into a cruel
+world, to live and starve as Henry Cobb.
+
+[Bell.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Ah, I fancy the Bradleys are here at last.  I do hope
+Edward knows his part.
+
+Enter Yardsley.
+
+Yardsley.  They've come, and we can begin at last.
+
+Enter Perkins, Miss Andrews, and Mr. and Mrs. Bradley.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Take off your things, Emma.  Let me take your cloak,
+Dorothy.  Does Edward feel equal--
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  He says so.  Knows it word for word, he says, though
+I've been so busy with my own--[They go out talking.
+
+Yardsley.  Well, Brad, how goes it?  Know your part?
+
+Bradley.  Like a book.  Bully part, too.
+
+Barlow.  Glad you like it.
+
+Bradley.  Can't help liking it; it's immense!  Particularly where I
+acquaint the heroine with the villany that--
+
+Barlow.  You?  Why--
+
+Enter Mrs. Bradley, Miss Andrews, and Mrs. Perkins.
+
+Mrs. Perkins (to Bradley).  So glad you're going to play with us.
+
+Bradley.  So am I.  It's a great pleasure.  Felt rather out in the
+cold until--
+
+Barlow.  But, I say, Brad, you don't--
+
+Yardsley.  Howdy do, Mrs. Bradley?  Good-afternoon, Miss Andrews.  We
+all seem to be here now, so let's begin.  We're a half-hour late
+already.
+
+Barlow.  I'm ready, but I want to--
+
+Yardsley.  Never mind what you want, Jack.  We haven't time for any
+more talking.  It'll take us an hour and a half, and we've got to
+hustle.  All off stage now except Mrs. Perkins.  (All go out;
+Yardsley rings bell.)  Hi, Perkins, that's your cue!
+
+Perkins.  What for?
+
+Yardsley.  Oh, hang it!--raise the curtain, will you?
+
+Perkins.  With pleasure.  As I understand this thing, one bell
+signifies raise curtain when curtain's down; drop curtain when
+curtain is up.
+
+Yardsley.  Exactly.  You know your part, anyhow.  If you remember not
+to monkey with the curtain except when the bell rings, and then
+change its condition, no matter what it may be, you can't go wrong.
+Now begin.  (Bell.  Perkins raises curtain.)  Now, of course, I'm not
+supposed to be on the stage, but I'll stay here and prompt you.
+Enter Lady Ellen.  Come along, Mrs. Perkins.  Please begin.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  I thought we'd decided that I was to be sitting here
+when the curtain went up?
+
+Yardsley.  So we did.  I'd forgotten that.--We'll begin all over
+again.  Perkins, drop that curtain.  Perkins!
+
+Perkins.  What?
+
+Yardsley.  Drop the curtain.
+
+Perkins.  Where's the bell?  I didn't hear any bell ring.
+
+Yardsley.  Oh, never mind the bell!  Let her down.
+
+Perkins.  I beg your pardon, but I positively refuse.  I believe in
+doing things right.  I'm not going to monkey.  Ring that bell, and
+down she comes; otherwise--
+
+Yardsley.  Tut!  You are very tiresome this afternoon, Thaddeus.
+Mrs. Perkins, we'll go ahead without dropping the curtain.  Now take
+your place.
+
+[Mrs. Perkins seats herself by table, picks up a book, and begins to
+read.
+
+Mrs. Perkins (after an interval, throwing book down with a sigh).
+Heigho!  I cannot seem to concentrate my mind upon anything to-night.
+I wonder why it is that once a woman gives her heart into another's
+keeping--[Bell rings.  Perkins lets curtain drop.
+
+Yardsley.  What the deuce did you drop that curtain for, Thaddeus?
+
+Perkins.  The bell rang, didn't it?
+
+Yardsley.  Yes, you idiot, but that's supposed to be the front-door
+bell.  Lady Amaranth is about to arrive--
+
+Perkins.  Well, how was I to know?  Your instructions to me were
+positive.  Don't monkey with curtain till bell rings.  When bell
+rings, if down, pull her up; if up, pull her down.  I'm not a
+connoisseur on bells--
+
+Yardsley.  You might pay some attention to the play.
+
+Perkins.  Now look here, Bob.  I don't want to quarrel with you, but
+it seems to me that I've got enough to do without paying attention to
+your part of the show.  What am I?  First place, host; second place,
+head usher; third place, curtain-manager; fourth place, fire
+department; fifth place, Bess says if children holler, go up and see
+what's the matter other words, nurse--and on top of this you say keep
+an eye on the play.  You must think I've as many eyes as a
+President's message.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Oh dear, Teddy! do behave.  It's simple enough--
+
+Perkins.  Simple enough?  Well, I like that.  How am I to tell one
+bell from another if--
+
+Yardsley (dryly).  I suppose if the clock strikes ten you'll seesaw
+the curtain up and down ten times, once for each stroke--eh?
+
+Bradley (poking his head in at the door).  What's the matter in here?
+Emma's been waiting for her cue like a hundred-yards runner before
+the pistol.
+
+Perkins.  Oh, it's the usual trouble with Yardsley.  He wants me to
+chaperon the universe.
+
+Yardsley.  It's the usual row with you.  You never want to do
+anything straight.  You seem to think that curtain's an elevator, and
+you're the boy--yanking it up and down at your pleasure, and--
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Oh, please don't quarrel!  Can't you see, Ted, it's
+growing late?  We'll never have the play rehearsed, and it's barely
+three hours now before the audience will arrive.
+
+Perkins.  Very well--I'll give in--only I think you ought to have
+different bells--
+
+Yardsley.  I'll have a trolley-car gong for you, if it'll only make
+you do the work properly.  Have you got a bicycle bell?
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Yes; that will do nicely for the curtain, and the desk
+push-button bell will do for the front-door bell.  Have you got that
+in your mind, Teddy dear?
+
+Perkins.  I feel as if I had the whole bicycle in my mind.  I can
+feel the wheels.  Bike for curtain, push for front door.  That's all
+right.  I wouldn't mind pushing for the front door myself.  All
+ready?  All right.  In the absence of the bicycle bell, I'll be its
+under-study for once.  B-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!  [Raises curtain.
+
+Yardsley.  Now, Mrs. Perkins, begin with "I wonder why--"
+
+Mrs. Perkins (rehearsing).  I wonder why it is that once a woman
+gives her heart into another's keeping--(Bell.)  Ah, the bell.  It
+must be he at last.  He is late this evening.
+
+Enter Miss Andrews as maid, with card on tray.
+
+Miss Andrews.  Lady Amaranth, me luddy.
+
+Yardsley.  Lydy, Miss Andrews, lydy--not luddy.
+
+Miss Andrews.  Lydy Amaranth, me lady.
+
+Yardsley.  And please be consistent with your dialect.  If it's Lydy
+Amaranth, it's Lydy Ellen.
+
+Miss Andrews.  Lydy Amaranth, me lydy.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  What?  Lydy Amaranth?  She?
+
+Yardsley.  Oh dear!  Excuse me, Mrs. Perkins, but you are not the
+maid, and cockney isn't required of you.  You must not say lydy.
+Lady is--
+
+Mrs. Perkins (resignedly).  What?  Lady Amaranth?  She?  What can she
+want?  Show her up.  [Exit Miss Andrews.
+
+Perkins.  That's a first-class expression for an adventuress.  _Show
+her up_!  Gad!  She ought to be shown up.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  What can she want?
+
+Enter Mrs. Bradley.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Ah, my dear Lady Ellen!  What delight to find you at
+home!  (Aside.)  He is not here, and yet I could have sworn--
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  To what am I to attribute this pleasure, Lady
+Amaranth?  I do not presume to think that you have come here without
+some other motive than that of a mere desire to see me.  I do not
+suppose that even you pretend that since the contretemps of Tuesday
+night at the Duchess of Barncastle's our former feeling--
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Ellen, I have come to tell you something.  To save you
+from a vile conspiracy.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  I am quite well able, Lady Amaranth, to manage my own
+affairs--
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  But you do not know.  You love Lord Muddleton--
+
+Mrs. Perkins (toying with her fan).  Oh!  Indeed!  And who, pray, has
+taken you into my confidence?  I was not aware--
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Hear me, Ellen--
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Excuse me, Lady Amaranth! but you have forgotten that
+it is only to my friends that I am known as--
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Then Lady Ellen, if it must be so.  I know what you do
+not--that Henry Cobb is an escaped convent--
+
+Yardsley.  Convict, not convent.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Is an escaped convict, and--
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  I am not interested in Henry Cobb.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  But he is in you, Ellen Abercrombie.  He is in you,
+and with the aid of Fenderson Featherhead--
+
+[Bell.  Perkins lets curtain drop half-way, but remembers in time,
+and pulls it up again.
+
+Perkins.  Beg pardon.  String slipped.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Too late.  Oh, if he had only waited!
+
+Enter Miss Andrews.
+
+Miss Andrews.  Mr. Featherhead, Leddy Eilen.
+
+Yardsley.  Ellen, Ellen; and lydy, not leddy.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Hear me first, I beg.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Show him in, Mary.  Lady Amaranth, as you see, I am
+engaged.  I really must be excused.  Good-night.
+
+Mrs. Bradley (aside).  Foiled!  Muddleton will be exposed.  Ah, if I
+could only have broken the force of the blow!  (Aloud.)  Lady Ellen,
+I will speak.  Fenderson Featherhead--
+
+Enter Bradley and Barlow together.  Both.  Is here, Lady Amaranth.
+
+[Each tries to motion the other off the stage.
+
+Yardsley.  What the deuce does this mean?  What do you think this
+play is--an Uncle Tom combination with two Topsys?
+
+Barlow.  I told him to keep out, but he said that Fenderson
+Featherhead was his cue.
+
+Bradley (indignantly).  Well, so it is; there's the book.
+
+Yardsley.  Oh, nonsense, Brad!  Don't be idiotic.  The book doesn't
+say anything of the sort.
+
+Bradley.  But I say it does.  If you--
+
+Barlow.  It's all rot for you to behave like this, Bradley.
+
+Perkins.  Isn't it time something happened to the curtain?  The
+audience will get panicky if they witness any such lack of harmony as
+this.  I will draw a veil over the painful scene.  B-r-r-r-r.  (Drops
+curtain.)  B-r-r-r-r.
+
+[Raises it again.
+
+Yardsley.  We won't dispute the matter, Bradley.  You are wrong, and
+that's all there is about it.  Now do get off the stage and let us go
+ahead.  Perkins, for Heaven's sake, give that curtain a rest, will
+you?
+
+Perkins.  I was only having a dress-rehearsal on my own account, Bob.
+Bike bell, curtain.  Push bell, front door.  Trolley gong, nothing--
+
+Bradley.  Well, if you fellows won't--
+
+Yardsley (taking him by the arm and walking him to side of stage).
+Never mind, Brad; you've made a mistake, that's all.  We all make
+mistakes at times.  Get off, like a good fellow.  You don't come on
+for ten minutes yet.  (Exit Bradley, scratching his head in puzzled
+meditation.)  Go ahead now, Barlow.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  But, Mr. Yardsley, Edward has--
+
+Yardsley.  We'll begin with your cue.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Fenderson Featherhead--
+
+Barlow.  Is here, Lady Amaranth.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  But--
+
+Yardsley.  No, no!  Your word isn't "but," Mrs. Bradley.  It's
+(consulting book)--it's:  "Insolent!  You will cross my path once too
+often, and then--
+
+Enter Bradley.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  I know that, but I don't say that to him!
+
+Bradley.  Of course not.  She says it to me.
+
+Barlow.  Well, of all the stupidity--
+
+Perkins.  Another unseemly fracas.  Another veil.  B-r-r-r-r.  (Drops
+curtain.)  There may be a hitch in the play, but there won't be in
+this curtain.  I tell you that right now.  B-r-r-r-r.
+
+[Raises curtain.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Well, I don't pretend to understand the difficulty.
+She certainly does say that to Featherhead.
+
+Barlow.  Of course!--it's right there in the book.
+
+Bradley.  That's exactly what I say.  It's in the book; but you would
+come on.
+
+Barlow.  Well, why shouldn't I?
+
+Enter Miss Andrews.
+
+Miss Andrews.  What seems to be the trouble?
+
+Perkins.  I give it up.  Collision somewhere up the road.
+
+Yardsley (turning over the leaves of the play-book).  Oh, I see the
+trouble--it's all right.  Bradley is mixed up a little, that's all.
+"Fenderson Featherhead" is his cue--but it comes later, Brad.
+
+Bradley.  Later?  Well (glances in book)--no--it comes now,
+
+Barlow.  Are you blind?  Can you read?  See there!  [Points into
+book.
+
+Yardsley.  No--you keep still, Jack.  I'll fix it.  See here,
+Bradley.  This is the place you are thinking of.  When Cobb says to
+Lady Ellen "Fenderson Featherhead," you enter the room, and in a
+nervous aside you mutter:  "What, he!  Does he again dare to cross my
+path?"  That's the way of it.
+
+Barlow.  Certainly--that's it, Brad.  Now get off, and let me go on,
+will you?
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  I'm sure it's a perfectly natural error, Mr. Bradley.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  But he's right, my dear Bess.  The others are wrong.
+Edward doesn't--
+
+Bradley.  I don't care anything about it, but I'm sure I don't know
+what else to do.  If I am to play Fenderson--
+
+Barlow (in amazement).  You?
+
+Yardsley (aghast).  Fenderson?  By all that is lovely, what part have
+you learned?
+
+Bradley.  The one you told me to learn in your message--Featherhead,
+of course.
+
+Barlow.  But that's my part!
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Of course it is, Mr. Bradley.  Mr. Barlow is to be--
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  But that's what Edward was told.  I saw the message
+myself.
+
+Yardsley (sinking into a chair dejectedly).  Why, Ed Bradley!  I
+never mentioned Featherhead.  You were to be Muddleton!
+
+Bradley.  Me?
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  What?
+
+Yardsley.  Certainly.  There's nothing the matter with Barlow, and
+he's cast for Featherhead.  You've learned the wrong part!
+
+Bradley (searching his pockets).  Here's the telegram.  There (takes
+message from pocket), read that.  There are my instructions.
+
+Yardsley (grasps telegram and reads it.  Drops it to floor).  Well,
+I'll be jiggered!
+
+[Buries his face in his hands.
+
+Mrs. Perkins (picking up message and reading aloud).  "Can you take
+Fenderson's part in to-night's show?  Answer at once.  Yardsley."
+
+Barlow.  Well, that's a nice mess.  You must have paresis, Bob.
+
+Perkins.  I was afraid he'd get it sooner or later.  You need
+exercise, Yardsley.  Go pull that curtain up and down a half-dozen
+times and it'll do you good.
+
+Bradley.  That telegram lets me out.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  I should say so.
+
+Perkins.  Lets us all out, seems to me.
+
+Yardsley.  But--I wrote Henderson, not Fenderson.  That jackass of a
+telegraph operator is responsible for it all.  "Will you take
+Henderson's part?" is what I wrote, and he's gone and got it
+Fenderson.  Confound his--
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  But what are we going to do?  It's quarter-past six
+now, and the curtain is to rise at 8.30.
+
+Perkins.  I'll give 'em my unequalled imitation of Sandow lifting the
+curtain with one hand.  Thus.  [Raises curtain wish right hand.
+
+Yardsley.  For goodness' sake, man, be serious.  There are seventy-
+five people coming here to see this performance, and they've paid for
+their tickets.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  It's perfectly awful.  We can't do it at all unless
+Mr. Bradley will go right up stairs now and learn--
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Oh, that's impossible.  He's learned nearly three
+hundred lines to-day already.  Mr. Barlow might--
+
+Barlow.  I couldn't think of it, Mrs. Bradley.  I've got as much as I
+can do remembering what lines I have learned.
+
+Perkins.  It would take you a week to forget your old part completely
+enough to do the other well.  You'd be playing both parts, the way
+Irving does when he's irritated, before you knew it.
+
+Yardsley.  I'm sure I don't know what to do.
+
+Perkins.  Give it up, eh?  What are you stage-manager for?  If I
+didn't own the house, I'd suggest setting it on fire; but I do, and
+it isn't fully insured.
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Perhaps Miss Andrews and Mr. Yardsley could do their
+little scene from Romeo and Juliet.
+
+Mrs. Bradley.  Just the thing.
+
+Yardsley.  But I haven't a suitable costume.
+
+Perkins.  I'll lend you my golf trousers, and Bess has an old shirt-
+waist you could wear with 'em.  Piece it out a little so that you
+could get into it, and hang the baby's toy sword at your side, and
+carry his fireman's hat under your arm, and you'd make a dandy-
+looking Romeo.  Some people might think you were a new woman, but if
+somebody were to announce to the audience that you were not that, but
+the Hon. R. Montague, Esq., it would be all right and exceedingly
+amusing.  I'll do the announcing with the greatest of pleasure.
+Really think I'd enjoy it.
+
+Miss Andrews.  I think it would be much better to get up Mrs.
+Jarley's waxworks.
+
+Perkins.  Oh dear, Miss Andrews, never.  Mrs. Jarley awakens too many
+bitter memories in me.  I was Mrs. Jarley once, and--
+
+Yardsley.  It must have been awful.  If there is anything in life
+that could be more horrible than you, with your peculiar style of
+humor, trying to do Jarley, I--
+
+Perkins.  Oh, well, what's the odds what we do?  We're only amateurs,
+anyhow.  Yardsley can put on a pair of tight boots, and give us an
+impression of Irving, or perhaps an imitation of the Roman army at
+the battle of Philippi, and the audience wouldn't care, as long as
+they had a good supper afterwards.  It all rests with Martenelli
+whether it's a go to-night.  If he doesn't spoil the supper, it'll be
+all right.  I have observed that the principal factors of success at
+amateur dramatics are an expert manipulation of the curtain, and a
+first-class feed to put the audience in a good-humor afterwards.
+Even if Martenelli does go back on us, you'll have me with the
+curtain--
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Thaddeus!
+
+Yardsley.  By Jove! that's a good idea--we have got you.  You can
+read Henderson's part!
+
+Perkins.  What--I?
+
+Barlow.  Certainly.
+
+Bradley.  Just the very thing.
+
+Miss Andrews.  Splendid idea.
+
+Perkins.  Oh--but I say--I can't, you know.  Nonsense!  I can't read.
+
+Yardsley.  I've often suspected that you couldn't, my dear Thaddeus;
+but this time you must.
+
+Perkins.  But the curtain--the babies--the audience--the ushing--the
+fire department--it is too much.  I'm not an octopus.
+
+Barlow (taking him by the arm and pushing him into chair).  You can't
+get out of it, Ted.  Here--read up.  There--take my book.
+
+[Thrusts play-book into his hand.
+
+Bradley.  Here's mine, too, Thaddeus.  Read 'em both at once, and
+then you'll have gone over it twice.
+
+[Throws his book into Perkins's lap.
+
+Perkins.  I tell you--
+
+Mrs. Perkins.  Just this once, Teddy--please--for me.
+
+Yardsley.  You owe it to your position, Perkins.  You are the only
+man here that knows anything about anything.  You've frequently said
+so.  You were doing it all, anyhow, you know--and you're host--the
+audience are your guests--and you're so clever and--
+
+Perkins.  But--
+
+Enter Jennie.
+
+Jennie.  Dinner is served, ma'am.  [Exit.
+
+Yardsley.  Good!  Perk, I'll be your under-study at dinner, while you
+are studying up.  Ladies and gentlemen, kindly imagine that I am
+host, that Perkins does not exist.  Come along, Mrs. Bradley.  Miss
+Andrews, will you take my other arm?  I'll escort Lady Amaranth and
+the maid out.  We'll leave the two Featherheads to fight it out for
+the Lady Ellen.  By-by, Thaddeus; don't shirk.  I'll come in after
+the salade course and hear you, and if you don't know your lesson
+I'll send you to bed without your supper.
+
+[All go out, leaving Perkins alone.
+
+Perkins (forcing a laugh).  Ha! ha! ha!  Good joke, confound your
+eyes!  Humph! very well.  I'll do it.  Whole thing, eh?  Curtain,
+babies, audience, host.  All right, my noble Thespians, wait!
+(Shakes fist at the door.)  I _will_ do the whole thing.  Wait till
+they ring you up, O curtain!  Up you will go, but then--then will I
+come forth and read that book from start to finish, and if any one of
+'em ventures to interfere I'll drop thee on their most treasured
+lines.  They little dream how much they are in the power of you and
+me!
+
+Enter Jennie.
+
+Jennie.  Mrs. Perkins says aren't you coming to dinner, sir; and Mr.
+Yardsley says the soup is getting cold, sir.
+
+Perkins.  In a minute, Jennie.  Tell Mrs. Perkins that I am just
+learning the last ten lines of the third act; and as for Mr.
+Yardsley, kindly insinuate to him that he'll find the soup quite hot
+enough at 8.30.
+
+[Exit Jennie.  Perkins sits down, and, taking up two books of the
+play, one in each hand, begins to read.
+
+[CURTAIN]
+
+
+
+A PROPOSAL UNDER DIFFICULTIES
+
+
+
+CHARACTERS:
+
+ROBERT YARDSLEY, } suitors for the hand of Miss Andrews.
+JACK BARLOW, }
+DOROTHY ANDREWS, a much-loved young woman.
+JENNIE, a housemaid.
+HICKS, a coachman, who does not appear.
+
+The scene is laid in a fashionable New York drawing-room.  The time
+is late in October, and Wednesday afternoon.  The curtain rising
+shows an empty room.  A bell rings.  After a pause the front door is
+heard opening and closing.  Enter Yardsley through portiere at rear
+of room.
+
+Yardsley.  Ah!  So far so good; but I wish it were over.  I've had
+the nerve to get as far as the house and into it, but how much
+further my courage will carry me I can't say.  Confound it!  Why is
+it, I wonder, that men get so rattled when they're head over heels in
+love, and want to ask the fair object of their affections to wed?  I
+can't see.  Now I'm brave enough among men.  I'm not afraid of
+anything that walks, except Dorothy Andrews, and generally I'm not
+afraid of her.  Stopping runaway teams and talking back to impudent
+policemen have been my delight.  I've even been courageous enough to
+submit a poem in person to the editor of a comic weekly, and yet here
+this afternoon I'm all of a tremble.  And for what reason?  Just
+because I've co-come to ask Dorothy Andrews to change her name to
+Mrs. Bob Yardsley; as if that were such an unlikely thing for her to
+do.  Gad!  I'm almost inclined to despise myself.  (Surveys himself
+in the mirror at one end of the room.  Then walking up to it and
+peering intently at his reflection, he continues.)  Bah! you coward!
+Afraid of a woman--a sweet little woman like Dorothy.  You ought to
+be ashamed of yourself, Bob Yardsley.  _She_ won't hurt you.  Brace
+up and propose like a man--like a real lover who'd go through fire
+for her sake, and all that.  Ha!  That's easy enough to talk about,
+but how shall I put it?  That's the question.  Let me see.  How _do_
+men do it?  I ought to buy a few good novels and select the sort of
+proposal I like; but not having a novel at hand, I must invent my
+own.  How will it be?  Something like this, I fancy.  (The portieres
+are parted, and Jennie, the maid, enters.  Yardsley does not observe
+her entrance.)  I'll get down on my knees.  A man on his knees is a
+pitiable object, and pity, they say, is akin to love.  Maybe she'll
+pity me, and after that--well, perhaps pity's cousin will arrive.
+(The maid advances, but Yardsley is so intent upon his proposal that
+he still fails to observe her.  She stands back of the sofa, while
+he, gazing downward, kneels before it.)  I'll say:  "Divine creature!
+At last we are alone, and I--ah--I can speak freely the words that
+have been in my heart to say to you for so long--oh, so long a time."
+(Jennie appears surprised.)  "I have never even hinted at how I feel
+towards you.  I have concealed my love, fearing lest by too sudden a
+betrayal of my feelings I should lose all."  (Aside.)  Now for a
+little allusion to the poets.  Poetry, they say, is a great thing for
+proposals.  "You know, dearest, you must know, how the poet has
+phrased it--'Fain would I fall but that I fear to climb.'  But now--
+now I must speak.  An opportunity like this may not occur again.
+Will you--will you be my wife?"
+
+[Jennie gives a little scream of delight.
+
+Jennie.  Oh, Mr. Yardsley, this is so suddent like and unexpected,
+and me so far beneath you!
+
+[Yardsley looks up and is covered with confusion.
+
+Yardsley.  Great Scott!  What have I done?
+
+Jennie.  But of course it ain't for the likes of me to say no to--
+
+Yardsley (rising).  For Heaven's sake, Jennie--do be sensi--Don't--
+say--Jennie, why--ah--(Aside.)  Oh, confound it!  What the deuce
+shall I say?  What's the matter with my tongue?  Where's my
+vocabulary?  A word! a word! my kingdom for a word!  (Aloud.)  Now,
+Jen--
+
+Jennie (coyly).  I has been engaged to Mr. Hicks, the coach
+gentleman, sir, but--
+
+Yardsley.  Good! good!  I congratulate you, Jennie.  Hicks is a very
+fine fellow.  Drives like a--like a driver, Jennie, a born driver.
+I've seen him many a time sitting like a king on his box--yes,
+indeed.  Noticed him often.  Admired him.  Gad, Jennie, I'll see him
+myself and tell him; and what is more, Jennie, I'll--I'll give Hicks
+a fine present.
+
+Jennie.  Yes, sir; I has no doubt as how you'll be doin' the square
+thing by Hicks, for, as I was a-sayin', I has been engaged like to
+him, an' he has some rights; but I think as how, if I puts it to him
+right like, and tells him what a nice gentleman you are (a ring is
+heard at the front door), it'll be all right, sir.  But there goes
+the bell, and I must run, Mr. Yardsley.  (Ecstatically kissing her
+hand.)  Bob!
+
+Yardsley (with a convulsive gasp).  Bob?  Jennie!  You--er--you
+misun--(Jennie, with a smile of joy and an ecstatic glance at
+Yardsley, dances from the room to attend the door.  Yardsley throws
+himself into a chair.)  Well, I'll be teetotally--Awh!  It's too dead
+easy proposing to somebody you don't know you are proposing to.  What
+a kettle of fish this is, to be sure!  Oh, pshaw! that woman can't be
+serious.  She must know I didn't mean it for her.  But if she
+doesn't, good Lord! what becomes of me?  (Rises, and paces up and
+down the room nervously.  After a moment he pauses before the glass.)
+I ought to be considerably dishevelled by this.  I feel as if I'd
+been drawn through a knot-hole--or--or dropped into a stone-crusher--
+that's it, a stone-crusher--a ten million horse power stone-crusher.
+Let's see how you look, you poor idiot.
+
+[As he is stroking his hair and rearranging his tie he talks in
+pantomime at himself in the glass.  In a moment Jennie ushers Mr.
+Jack Barlow into the room.
+
+Jennie.  Miss Andrews will be down in a minute, sir.
+
+[Barlow takes arm-chair and sits gazing ahead of him.  Neither he nor
+Yardsley perceives the other.  Jennie tiptoes to one side, and,
+tossing a kiss at Yardsley, retires.
+
+Barlow.  Now for it.  I shall leave this house to-day the happiest or
+the most miserable man in creation, and I rather think the odds are
+in my favor.  Why shouldn't they be?  Egad!  I can very well
+understand how a woman could admire me.  I admire myself, rather.  I
+confess candidly that I do not consider myself half bad, and Dorothy
+has always seemed to feel that way herself.  In fact, the other night
+in the Perkinses conservatory she seemed to be quite ready for a
+proposal.  I'd have done it then and there if it hadn't been for that
+confounded Bob Yardsley--
+
+Yardsley (turning sharply about).  Eh?  Somebody spoke my name.  A
+man, too.  Great heavens!  I hope Jennie's friend Hicks isn't here.
+I don't want to have a scene with Hicks.  (Discovering Barlow.)  Oh--
+ah--why--hullo, Barlow!  You here?
+
+Barlow (impatiently, aside).  Hang it!  Yardsley's here too!  The
+man's always turning up when he's not wanted.  (Aloud.)  Ah! why,
+Bob, how are you?  What're you doing here?
+
+Yardsley.  What do you suppose--tuning the piano?  I'm here because I
+want to be.  And you?
+
+Barlow.  For the same reason that you are.
+
+Yardsley (aside).  Gad!  I hope not.  (Aloud.)  Indeed?  The great
+mind act again?  Run in the same channel, and all that?  Glad to see
+you.  (Aside.)  May the saints forgive me that fib!  But this fellow
+must be got rid of.
+
+Barlow (embarrassed).  So'm I.  Always glad to see myself--I mean
+you--anywhere.  Won't you sit down?
+
+Yardsley.  Thanks.  Very kind of you, I'm sure.  (Aside.)  He seems
+very much at home.  Won't I sit down?--as if he'd inherited the
+chairs!  Humph!  I'll show him.
+
+Barlow.  What say?
+
+Yardsley.  I--ah--oh, I was merely remarking that I thought it was
+rather pleasant out to-day.
+
+Barlow.  Yes, almost too fine to be shut up in-doors.  Why aren't you
+driving, or--or playing golf, or--ah--or being out-doors somewhere?
+You need exercise, old man; you look a little pale.  (Aside.)  I must
+get him away from here somehow.  Deuced awkward having another fellow
+about when you mean to propose to a woman.
+
+Yardsley.  Oh, I'm well enough!
+
+Barlow (solicitously).  You don't look it--by Jove you don't.
+(Suddenly inspired.)  No, you don't, Bob.  You overestimate your
+strength.  It's very wrong to overestimate one's strength.  People--
+ah--people have died of it.  Why, I'll bet you a hat you can't start
+now and walk up to Central Park and back in an hour.  Come.  I'll
+time you.  (Rises and takes out watch.)  It is now four ten.  I'll
+wager you can't get back here before five thirty.  Eh?  Let me get
+your hat.
+
+[Starts for door.
+
+Yardsley (with a laugh).  Oh no; I don't bet--after four.  But I say,
+did you see Billie Wilkins?
+
+Barlow (returning in despair).  Nope.
+
+Yardsley (aside).  Now for a bit of strategy.  (Aloud.)  He was
+looking for you at the club.  (Aside.)  Splendid lie!  (Aloud.)  Had
+seats for the--ah--the Metropolitan to-night.  Said he was looking
+for you.  Wants you to go with him.  (Aside.)  That ought to start
+him along.
+
+Barlow.  I'll go with him.
+
+Yardsley (eagerly).  Well, you'd better let him know at once, then.
+Better run around there and catch him while there's time.  He said if
+he didn't see you before half-past four he'd get Tom Parker to go.
+Fine show to-night.  Wouldn't lose the opportunity if I were you.
+(Looking at his watch.)  You'll just about have time to do it now if
+you start at once.
+
+[Grasps Barlow by arm, and tries to force him out.  Barlow holds
+back, and is about to remonstrate, when Dorothy enters.  Both men
+rush to greet her; Yardsley catches her left hand, Barlow her right.
+
+Dorothy (slightly embarrassed).  Why, how do you do--this is an
+unexpected pleasure--both of you?  Excuse my left hand, Mr. Yardsley;
+I should have given you the other if--if you'd given me time.
+
+Yardsley.  Don't mention it, I pray.  The unexpectedness is wholly
+mine, Miss Andrews--I mean--ah--the pleasure is--
+
+Barlow.  Wholly mine.
+
+Dorothy (withdrawing her hands from both and sitting down).  I
+haven't seen either of you since the Perkinses dance.  Wasn't it a
+charming affair?
+
+Yardsley.  Delightful.  I--ah--I didn't know that the Perkinses--
+
+Barlow (interrupting).  It was a good deal of a crush, though.  As
+Mrs. Van Darling said to me, "You always meet--"
+
+Yardsley.  It's a pity Perkins isn't more of a society man, though,
+don't you think?
+
+Dorothy.  O, I don't know.  I've always found him very pleasant.  He
+is so sincere.
+
+Barlow.  Isn't he, though?  He looked bored to death all through the
+dance.
+
+Yardsley.  I thought so too.  I was watching him while you were
+talking to him, Barlow, and such a look of ennui I never saw on a
+man's face.
+
+Barlow.  Humph!
+
+Dorothy.  Are you going to Mrs. Van Darling's dinner?
+
+Barlow.  Yes; I received my bid last night.  You?
+
+Dorothy.  Oh yes!
+
+Yardsley (gloomily).  I can't go very well.  I'm--ah--engaged for
+Tuesday.
+
+Barlow.  Well, I hope you've let Mrs. Van Darling know.  She's a
+stickler for promptness in accepting or declining her invitations.
+If you haven't, I'll tell her for you.  I'm to see her to-night.
+
+Yardsley.  Oh no!  Never mind.  I'll--I'll attend to it.
+
+Barlow.  Oh, of course.  But it's just as well she should know in
+advance.  You might forget it, you know.  I'll tell her; it's no
+trouble to me.
+
+Dorothy.  Of course not, and she can get some one to take your place.
+
+Yardsley (desperately).  Oh, don't say anything about it.  Fact is,
+she--ah--she hasn't invited me.
+
+Barlow.  Ah!  (Aside.)  I knew that all along.  Oh, but I'm clever!
+
+Dorothy (hastily, to relieve Yardsley's embarrassment).  Have you
+seen Irving, Mr. Yardsley?
+
+Yardsley.  Yes.
+
+Barlow (suspiciously).  What in?  I haven't seen you at any of the
+first nights.
+
+Yardsley (with a grin).  In the grill-room at the Players.
+
+Barlow (aside).  Bah!
+
+Dorothy (laughing).  You are so bright, Mr. Yardsley.
+
+Barlow (forcing a laugh).  Ha, ha, ha!  Why, yes--very clever that.
+It ought to have a Gibson picture over it, that joke.  It would help
+it.  Those Gibson pictures are fine, I think.  Carry any kind of
+joke, eh?
+
+Yardsley.  Yes, they frequently do.
+
+Dorothy.  I'm so glad you both like Gibson, for I just dote on him.
+I have one of his originals in my portfolio.  I'll get it if you'd
+like to see it.
+
+[She rises and goes to the corner of the room, where there stands a
+portfolio-case.
+
+Yardsley (aside).  What a bore Barlow is!  Hang him!  I must get rid
+of him somehow.
+
+[Barlow meanwhile is assisting Dorothy.
+
+Yardsley (looking around at the others).  Jove! he's off in the
+corner with her.  Can't allow that, for the fact is Barlow's just a
+bit dangerous--to me.
+
+Dorothy (rummaging through portfolio).  Why, it was here--
+
+Barlow.  Maybe it's in this other portfolio.
+
+Yardsley (joining them).  Yes, maybe it is.  That's a good idea.  If
+it isn't in one portfolio maybe it's in another.  Clever thought!  I
+may be bright, Miss Andrews, but you must have observed that Barlow
+is thoughtful.
+
+Dorothy (with a glance at Barlow).  Yes, Mr. Yardsley, I have noticed
+the latter.
+
+Barlow.  Tee-hee! that's one on you, Bob.
+
+Yardsley (obtuse).  Ha, ha!  Yes.  Why, of course!  Ha, ha, ha!  For
+repartee I have always said-polite repartee, of course--Miss Andrews
+is--(Aside.)  Now what the dickens did she mean by that?
+
+Dorothy.  I can't find it here.  Let--me think.  Where--can--it--be?
+
+Barlow (striking thoughtful attitude).  Yes, where can it be?  Let me
+do your thinking for you, Miss Dorothy.  (Then softly to her.)
+Always!
+
+Yardsley (mocking Barlow).  Yes!  Let _me_ think!  (Points his finger
+at his forehead and assumes tragic attitude.  Then stalks to the
+front of stage in manner of burlesque Hamlet.)  Come, thought, come.
+Shed the glory of thy greatness full on me, and thus confound mine
+enemies.  Where the deuce is that Gibson?
+
+Dorothy.  Oh, I remember.  It's up-stairs.  I took it up with me last
+night.  I'll ring for Jennie, and have her get it.
+
+Yardsley (aside, and in consternation).  Jennie!  Oh, thunder!  I'd
+forgotten her.  I do hope she remembers not to forget herself.
+
+Barlow.  What say?
+
+Yardsley.  Nothing; only--ah--only that I thought it was very--very
+pleasant out.
+
+Barlow.  That's what you said before.
+
+Yardsley (indignantly).  Well, what of it?  It's the truth.  If you
+don't believe it, go outside and see for yourself.
+
+[Jennie appears at the door in response to Dorothy's ring.  She
+glances demurely at Yardsley, who tries to ignore her presence.
+
+Dorothy.  Jennie, go up to my room and look on the table in the
+corner, and bring me down the portfolio you will find there.  The
+large brown one that belongs in the stand over there.
+
+Jennie (dazed).  Yessum.  And shall I be bringin' lemons with it?
+
+Dorothy.  Lemons, Jennie?
+
+Jennie.  You always does have lemons with your tea, mum.
+
+Dorothy.  I didn't mention tea.  I want you to get my portfolio from
+up-stairs.  It is on the table in the corner of my room.
+
+[Looks at Jennie in surprise.
+
+Jennie.  Oh, excuse me, mum.  I didn't hear straight.
+
+[She casts a languishing glance at Yardsley and disappears.
+
+Yardsley (noting the glance, presumably aside).  Confound that
+Jennie!
+
+Barlow (overhearing Yardsley).  What's that?  Confound that Jennie?
+Why say confound that Jennie?  Why do you wish Jennie to be
+confounded?
+
+Yardsley (nervously).  I didn't say that.  I--ah--I merely said that--
+that Jennie appeared to be--ah--confounded.
+
+Dorothy.  She certainly is confused.  I cannot understand it at all.
+Ordinarily I have rather envied Jennie her composure.
+
+Yardsley.  Oh, I suppose--it's--it's--it's natural for a young girl--
+a servant--sometimes to lose her--equipoise, as it were, on
+occasions.  If we lose ours at times, why not Jennie?  Eh?  Huh?
+
+Barlow.  Certainly.
+
+Yardsley.  Of course--ha--trained servants are hard to get these
+days, anyhow.  Educated people--ah--go into other professions, such
+as law, and--ah--the ministry--and--
+
+Dorothy.  Well, never mind.  Let's talk of something more interesting
+than Jennie.  Going to the Chrysanthemum Show, Mr. Barlow?
+
+Barlow.  I am; wouldn't miss it for the world.  Do you know, really
+now, the chrysanthemum, in my opinion, is the most human-looking
+flower we have.  The rose is too beautiful, too perfect, for me.  The
+chrysanthemum, on the other hand--
+
+Yardsley (interrupting).  Looks so like a football-player's head it
+appeals to your sympathies?  Well, perhaps you are right.  I never
+thought of it in that light before, but--
+
+Dorothy (smiling).  Nor I; but now that you mention it, it does look
+that way, doesn't it?
+
+Barlow (not wishing to disagree with Dorothy).  Very much.  Droll
+idea, though.  Just like Bob, eh?  Very, very droll.  Bob's always
+dro--
+
+Yardsley (interrupting).  When I see a man walking down the Avenue
+with a chrysanthemum in his button-hole, I always think of a wild
+Indian wearing a scalp for decorative purposes.
+
+[Barlow and Dorothy laugh at this, and during their mirth Jennie
+enters with the portfolio.  She hands it to Dorothy.  Dorothy rests
+it on the arm of her chair, and Barlow looking over one shoulder, she
+goes through it.  Jennie in passing out throws another kiss to
+Yardsley.
+
+Yardsley (under his breath, stamping his foot).  Awgh!
+
+Barlow.  What say?
+
+[Dorothy looks up, surprised.
+
+Yardsley.  I--I didn't say anything.  My--ah--my shoe had a piece of--
+ah--
+
+Barlow.  Oh, say lint, and be done with it.
+
+Yardsley (relieved, and thankful for the suggestion).  Why, how did
+you know?  It did, you know.  Had a piece of lint on it, and I tried
+to get it off by stamping, that's all.
+
+Dorothy.  Ah, here it is.
+
+Yardsley.  What?  The lint?
+
+Barlow.  Ho!  Is the world nothing but lint to you?  Of course not--
+the Gibson.  Charming, isn't it, Miss Dorothy?
+
+Dorothy (holding the picture up).  Fine.  Just look at that girl.
+Isn't she pretty?
+
+Barlow.  Very.
+
+Dorothy.  And such style, too.
+
+Yardsley (looking over Dorothy's other shoulder).  Yes, very pretty,
+and lots of style.  (Softly.)  Very--like some one--some one I know.
+
+Barlow (overhearing).  I think so myself, Yardsley.  It's exactly
+like Josie Wilkins.  By-the-way--ah--how is that little affair coming
+along, Bob?
+
+Dorothy (interested).  What!  You don't mean to say--Why, _Mister_
+Yardsley!
+
+Yardsley (with a venomous glance at Barlow).  Nonsense.  Nothing in
+it.  Mere invention of Barlow's.  He's a regular Edison in his own
+way.
+
+[Dorothy looks inquiringly at Barlow.
+
+Barlow (to Yardsley).  Oh, don't be so sly about it, old fellow!
+_Every_body knows.
+
+Yardsley.  But I tell you there's nothing in it.  I--I have different
+ideas entirely, and you--you know it--or, if you don't, you will
+shortly.
+
+Dorothy.  Oh!  Then it's some one else, Mr. Yardsley?  Well, now I
+_am_ interested'.  Let's have a little confidential talk together.
+Tell _us_, Mr. Yardsley, tell Mr. Barlow and me, and maybe--I can't
+say for certain, of course--but maybe we can help you.
+
+Barlow (gleefully rubbing his hands).  Yes, old man; certainly.
+Maybe we--we can help you.
+
+Yardsley (desperately).  You can help me, both of you--but--but I
+can't very well tell you how.
+
+Barlow.  I'm willing to do all I can for you, my dear Bob.  If you
+will only tell us her name I'll even go so far as to call, in your
+behalf, and propose for you.
+
+Yardsley.  Oh, thanks.  You are very kind.
+
+Dorothy.  I think so too, Mr. Barlow.  You are almost too kind, it
+seems to me.
+
+Yardsley.  Oh no; not too kind, Miss Andrews.  Barlow simply realizes
+that one who has proposed marriage to young girls as frequently as he
+has knows how the thing is done, and he wishes to give me the benefit
+of his experience.  (Aside.)  That's a facer for Barlow.
+
+Barlow.  Ha, ha, ha!  Another joke, I suppose.  You see, my dear Bob,
+that I am duly appreciative.  I laugh.  Ha, ha, ha!  But I must say I
+laugh with some uncertainty.  I don't know whether you intended that
+for a joke or for a staggerer.  You should provide your conversation
+with a series of printed instructions for the listener.  Get a lot of
+cards, and have printed on one, "Please laugh"; on another, "Please
+stagger"; on another, "Kindly appear confused."  Then when you mean
+to be jocose hand over the laughter card, and so on.  Shall I
+stagger?
+
+Dorothy.  I think that Mr. Yardsley meant that for a joke.  Didn't
+you, Mr. Yardsley?
+
+Yardsley.  Why, certainly.  Of course.  I don't really believe Barlow
+ever had sand enough to propose to any one.  Did you, Jack?
+
+Barlow (indignant).  Well, I rather think I have.
+
+Dorothy.  Ho, ho!  Then you _are_ an experienced proposer, Mr.
+Barlow?
+
+Barlow (confused).  Why--er--well--um--I didn't exactly mean that,
+you know.  I meant that--ah--if it ever came to the--er--the test, I
+think I could--I'd have sand enough, as Yardsley puts it, to do the
+thing properly, and without making a--ah--a Yardsley of myself.
+
+Yardsley (bristling up).  Now what do you mean by that?
+
+Dorothy.  I think you are both of you horrid this afternoon.  You are
+so quarrelsome.  Do you two always quarrel, or is this merely a
+little afternoon's diversion got up for my especial benefit?
+
+Barlow (with dignity).  I never quarrel.
+
+Yardsley.  Nor I.  I simply differ sometimes, that's all.  I never
+had an unpleasant word with Jack in my life.  Did I, Jack?
+
+Barlow.  Never.  I always avoid a fracas, however great the
+provocation.
+
+Dorothy (desperately).  Then let us have a cup of tea together and be
+more sociable.  I have always noticed that tea promotes sociability--
+haven't you, Mr. Yardsley?
+
+Yardsley.  Always.  (Aside.)  Among women.
+
+Barlow.  What say?
+
+[Dorothy rises and rings the bell for Jennie.
+
+Yardsley.  I say that I am very fond of tea.
+
+Barlow.  So am I--here.  [Rises and looks at pictures.  Yardsley
+meanwhile sits in moody silence.
+
+Dorothy (returning).  You seem to have something on your mind, Mr.
+Yardsley.  I never knew you to be so solemn before.
+
+Yardsley.  I have something on my mind, Miss Dorothy.  It's--
+
+Barlow (coming forward).  Wise man, cold weather like this.  It would
+be terrible if you let your mind go out in cold weather without
+anything on it.  Might catch cold in your idea.
+
+Dorothy.  I wonder why Jennie doesn't come?  I shall have to ring
+again.
+
+[Pushes electric button again.
+
+Yardsley (with an effort at brilliance).  The kitchen belle doesn't
+seem to work.
+
+Dorothy.  Ordinarily she does, but she seems to be upset by something
+this afternoon.  I'm afraid she's in love.  If you will excuse me a
+moment I will go and prepare the tea myself.
+
+Barlow.  Do; good!  Then we shall not need the sugar.
+
+Yardsley.  You might omit the spoons too, after a remark like that,
+Miss Dorothy.
+
+Dorothy.  We'll omit Mr. Barlow's spoon.  I'll bring some for you and
+me.  [She goes out.
+
+Yardsley (with a laugh).  That's one on you, Barlow.  But I say, old
+man (taking out his watch and snapping the cover to three or four
+times), it's getting very late--after five now.  If you want to go
+with Billy Wilkins you'd better take up your hat and walk.  I'll say
+good-bye to Miss Andrews for you.
+
+Barlow.  Thanks.  Too late now.  You said Billie wouldn't wait after
+four thirty.
+
+Yardsley.  Did I say four thirty?  I meant five thirty.  Anyhow,
+Billie isn't over-prompt.  Better go.
+
+Barlow.  You seem mighty anxious to get rid of me.
+
+Yardsley.  I?  Not at all, my dear boy--not at all.  I'm very, very
+fond of you, but I thought you'd prefer opera to me.  Don't you see?
+That's where my modesty comes in.  You're so fond of a good chat I
+thought you'd want to go to-night.  Wilkins has a box.
+
+Barlow.  You said seats a little while ago.
+
+Yardsley.  Of course I did.  And why not?  There are seats in boxes.
+Didn't you know that?
+
+Barlow.  Look here, Yardsley, what's up, anyhow?  You've been deuced
+queer to-day.  What are you after?
+
+Yardsley (tragically).  Shall I confide in you?  Can I, with a sense
+of confidence that you will not betray me?
+
+Barlow (eagerly).  Yes, Bob.  Go on.  What is it?  I'll never give
+you away, and I _may_ be able to give you some good advice.
+
+Yardsley.  I am here to--to--to rob the house!  Business has been
+bad, and one must live.  [Barlow looks at him in disgust.
+
+Yardsley (mockingly).  You have my secret, John Barlow.  Remember
+that it was wrung from me in confidence.  You must not betray me.
+Turn your back while I surreptitiously remove the piano and the gas-
+fixtures, won't you?
+
+Barlow (looking at him thoughtfully).  Yardsley, I have done you an
+injustice.
+
+Yardsley.  Indeed?
+
+Barlow.  Yes.  Some one claimed, at the club, the other day, that you
+were the biggest donkey in existence, and I denied it.  I was wrong,
+old man, I was wrong, and I apologize.  You are.
+
+Yardsley.  You are too modest, Jack.  You forget--yourself.
+
+Barlow.  Well, perhaps I do; but I've nothing to conceal, and you
+have.  You've been behaving in a most incomprehensible fashion this
+afternoon, as if you owned the house.
+
+Yardsley.  Well, what of it?  Do you own it?
+
+Barlow.  No, I don't, but--
+
+Yardsley.  But you hope to.  Well, I have no such mercenary motive.
+I'm not after the house.
+
+Barlow (bristling up).  After the house?  Mercenary motive?  I demand
+an explanation of those words.  What do you mean?
+
+Yardsley.  I mean this, Jack Barlow:  I mean that I am here for--for
+my own reasons; but you--you have come here for the purpose of--
+
+Dorothy enters wish a tray, upon which are the tea things.
+
+Barlow (about to retort to Yardsley, perceiving Dorothy).  Ah!  Let
+me assist you.
+
+Dorothy.  Thank you so much.  I really believe I never needed help
+more.  (She delivers the tray to Barlow, who sets it on the table.
+Dorothy, exhausted, drops into a chair.)  Fan me--quick--or I shall
+faint.  I've--I've had an awful time, and I really don't know what to
+do!
+
+Barlow and Yardsley (together).  Why, what's the matter?
+
+Yardsley.  I hope the house isn't on fire?
+
+Barlow.  Or that you haven't been robbed?
+
+Dorothy.  No, no; nothing like that.  It's--it's about Jennie.
+
+Yardsley (nervously).  Jennie?  Wha--wha--what's the matter with
+Jennie?
+
+Dorothy.  I only wish I knew.  I--
+
+Yardsley (aside).  I'm glad you don't.
+
+Barlow.  What say?
+
+Yardsley.  I didn't say anything.  Why should I say anything?  I
+haven't anything to say.  If people who had nothing to say would not
+insist upon talking, you'd be--
+
+Dorothy.  I heard the poor girl weeping down-stairs, and when I went
+to the dumbwaiter to ask her what was the matter, I heard--I heard a
+man's voice.
+
+Yardsley.  Man's voice?
+
+Barlow.  Man's voice is what Miss Andrews said.
+
+Dorothy.  Yes; it was Hicks, our coachman, and he was dreadfully
+angry about something.
+
+Yardsley (sinking into chair).  Good Lord!  Hicks!  Angry!  At--
+something!
+
+Dorothy.  He was threatening to kill somebody.
+
+Yardsley.  This grows worse and worse!  Threatening to kill somebody!
+D-did-did you o-over-overhear huh-huh-whom he was going to kuk-kill?
+
+Barlow.  What's the matter with you, Yardsley?  Are you going to die
+of fright, or have you suddenly caught a chill?
+
+Dorothy.  Oh, I hope not!  Don't die here, anyhow, Mr. Yardsley.  If
+you must die, please go home and die.  I couldn't stand another shock
+to-day.  Why, really, I was nearly frightened to death.  I don't know
+now but what I ought to send for the police, Hicks was so violent.
+
+Barlow.  Perhaps she and Hicks have had a lovers' quarrel.
+
+Yardsley.  Very likely; very likely indeed.  I think that is no doubt
+the explanation of the whole trouble.  Lovers will quarrel.  They
+were engaged, you know.
+
+Dorothy (surprised).  No, I didn't know it.  Were they?  Who told
+you?
+
+Yardsley (discovering his mistake).  Why--er--wasn't it you said so,
+Miss Dorothy?  Or you, Barlow?
+
+Barlow.  I have not the honor of the young woman's confidence, and so
+could not have given you the information.
+
+Dorothy.  I didn't know it, so how could I have told you?
+
+Yardsley (desperately).  Then I must have dreamed it.  I do have the
+queerest dreams sometimes, but there's nothing strange about this
+one, anyhow.  Parlor-maids frequently do--er--become engaged to
+coachmen and butlers and that sort of thing.  It isn't a rare
+occurrence at all.  If I'd said she was engaged to Billie Wilkins, or
+to--to Barlow here--
+
+Barlow.  Or to yourself.
+
+Yardsley.  Sir?  What do you mean to insinuate?  That I am engaged to
+Jennie?
+
+Barlow.  I never said so.
+
+Dorothy.  Oh dear, let us have the tea.  You quarrelsome men are just
+wearing me out.  Mr. Barlow, do you want cream in yours?
+
+Barlow.  If you please; and one lump of sugar.  (Dorothy pours is
+out.)  Thanks.
+
+Dorothy.  Mr. Yardsley?
+
+Yardsley.  Just a little, Miss Andrews.  No cream, and no sugar.
+
+[Dorothy prepares a cup for Yardsley.  He is about to take it when--
+
+Dorothy.  Well, I declare!  It's nothing but hot water!  I forgot the
+tea entirely!
+
+Barlow (with a laugh).  Oh, never mind.  Hot water is good for
+dyspepsia.
+
+[With a significant look at Yardsley.
+
+Yardsley.  It depends on how you get it, Mr. Barlow.  I've known men
+who've got dyspepsia from living in hot water too much.
+
+[As Yardsley speaks the portiere is violently clutched from without,
+and Jennie's head is thrust into the room.  No one observes her.
+
+Barlow.  Well, my cup is very satisfactory to me, Miss Dorothy.  Fact
+is, I've always been fond of cambric tea, and this is just right.
+
+Yardsley (patronizingly).  It _is_ good for children.
+
+Jennie (trying to attract Yardsley's attention).  Pst!
+
+Yardsley.  My mamma lets me have it Sunday nights.
+
+Dorothy.  Ha, ha, ha!
+
+Barlow.  Another joke?  Good.  Let me enjoy it too.  Hee, Hee!
+
+Jennie.  Pst!
+
+[Barlow looks around; Jennie hastily withdraws her head.
+
+Barlow.  I didn't know you had steam heat in this house.
+
+Dorothy.  We haven't.  What put such an idea as that into your head?
+
+Barlow.  Why, I thought I heard the hissing of steam, the click of a
+radiator, or something of that sort back by the door.
+
+Yardsley.  Maybe the house is haunted.
+
+Dorothy.  I fancy it was your imagination:  or perhaps it was the
+wind blowing through the hall.  The pantry window is open.
+
+Barlow.  I guess maybe that's it.  How fine it must be in the country
+now!
+
+[Jennie pokes her head in through the portieres again, and follows it
+with her arm and hand, in which is a feather duster, which she waves
+wildly in an endeavor to attract Yardsley's attention.
+
+Dorothy.  Divine.  I should so love to be out of town still.  It
+seems to me people always make a great mistake returning to the city
+so early in the fall.  The country is really at its best at this time
+of year.
+
+[Yardsley turns half around, and is about to speak, when he catches
+sight of the now almost hysterical Jennie and her feather duster.
+
+Barlow.  Yes; I think so too.  I was at Lenox last week, and the
+foliage was gorgeous.
+
+Yardsley (feeling that he must say something).  Yes.  I suppose all
+the feathers on the maple-trees are turning red by this time.
+
+Dorothy.  Feathers, Mr. Yardsley?
+
+Barlow.  Feathers?
+
+Yardsley (with a furtive glance at Jennie).  Ha, ha!  What an absurd
+slip!  Did I say feathers?  I meant--I meant leaves, of course.  All
+the leaves on the dusters are turning.
+
+Barlow.  I don't believe you know what you do mean.  Who ever heard
+of leaves on dusters?  What are dusters?  Do you know, Miss Dorothy?
+
+[As he turns to Miss Andrews, Yardsley tries to wave Jennie away.
+She beckons with her arms more wildly than ever, and Yardsley
+silently speaks the words, "Go away."
+
+Dorothy.  I'm sure I don't know of any tree by that name, but then
+I'm not a--not a what?
+
+Yardsley (with a forced laugh).  Treeologist
+
+Dorothy.  What are dusters, Mr. Yardsley?
+
+Barlow.  Yes, old man, tell us.  I'm anxious to find out myself.
+
+Yardsley (aside).  So am I.  What the deuce are dusters, for this
+occasion only?  (Aloud)  What?  Never heard of dusters?  Ho!  Why,
+dear me, where have you been all your lives?  (Aside.)  Must gain
+time to think up what dusters are.  (Aloud.)  Why, they're as old as
+the hills.
+
+Barlow.  That may be, but I can't say I think your description is at
+all definite.
+
+Dorothy.  Do they look like maples?
+
+Yardsley (with an angry wave of his arms towards Jennie).  Something--
+in fact, very much.  They're exactly like them.  You can hardly tell
+them from oaks.
+
+Barlow.  Oaks?
+
+Yardsley.  I said oaks.  Oaks!  O-A-K-S!
+
+Barlow.  But oaks aren't like maples.
+
+Yardsley.  Well, who said they were?  We were talking about oaks--
+and--er--and dusters.  We--er--we used to have a row of them in front
+of our old house at-- (Aside.)  Now where the deuce did we have the
+old house?  Never had one, but we must for the sake of the present
+situation.  (Aloud.)  Up at--at--Bryn-Mawr--or at--Troy, or some such
+place, and--at--they kept the--the dust of the highway from getting
+into the house.  (With a sigh of relief.)  And so, you see, they were
+called dusters.  Thought every one knew that.
+
+[As Yardsley finishes, Jennie loses her balance and falls headlong
+into the room.
+
+Dorothy (starting up hastily).  Why, Jennie!
+
+Yardsley (staggering into chair).  That settles it.  It's all up with
+me.  [Jennie sobs, and, rising, rushes to Yardsley's side.
+
+Jennie.  Save yourself; he's going to kill you!
+
+Dorothy.  Jennie!  What is the meaning of this?  Mr. Yardsley--can--
+can you shed any light on this mystery?
+
+Yardsley (pulling himself together with a great effort).  I?  I
+assure you I can't, Miss Andrews.  How could I?  All I know is that
+somebody is--is going to kill me, though for what I haven't the
+slightest idea.
+
+Jennie (indignantly).  Eh?  What!  Why, Mr. Yardsley--Bob!
+
+Barlow.  Bob?
+
+Dorothy.  Jennie!  Bob?
+
+Yardsley.  Don't you call me Bob.
+
+Jennie.  It's Hicks.  [Bursts out crying.
+
+Barlow.  Hicks?
+
+Dorothy.  Jennie, Hicks isn't Bob.  His name--is George.
+
+Yardsley (in a despairing rage).  Hicks be--
+
+Dorothy.  Mr. Yardsley!
+
+Yardsley (pulling himself together again).  Bobbed.  Hicks be Bobbed.
+That's what I was going to say.
+
+Dorothy.  What on earth does this all mean?  I must have an
+explanation, Jennie.  What have you to say for yourself?
+
+Jennie.  Why, I--
+
+Yardsley.  I tell you it isn't true.  She's made it up out of whole
+cloth.
+
+Barlow.  What isn't true?  She hasn't said anything yet.
+
+Yardsley (desperately).  I refer to what she's going to say.  I'm a--
+a--I'm a mind-reader, and I see it all as plain as day.
+
+Dorothy.  I can best judge of the truth of Jennie's words when she
+has spoken them, Mr. Yardsley.  Jennie, you may explain, if you can.
+What do you mean by Hicks killing Mr. Yardsley, and why do you
+presume to call Mr. Yardsley by his first name?
+
+Yardsley (aside).  Heigho!  My goose is cooked.
+
+Barlow.  I fancy you wish you had taken that walk I suggested now.
+
+Yardsley.  You always were a good deal of a fancier.
+
+Jennie.  I hardly knows how to begin, Miss Dorothy.  I--I'm so
+flabbergasted by all that's happened this afternoon, mum, that I
+can't get my thoughts straight, mum.
+
+Dorothy.  Never mind getting your thoughts straight, Jennie.  I do
+not want fiction.  I want the truth.
+
+Jennie.  Well, mum, when a fine gentleman like Mr. Yardsley asks--
+
+Yardsley.  I tell you it isn't so.
+
+Jennie.  Indeed he did, mum.
+
+Dorothy (impatiently).  Did what?
+
+Jennie.  Axed me to marry him, mum.
+
+Dorothy.  Mr. Yardsley--asked--you--to--to marry him?  [Barlow
+whistles.
+
+Jennie (bursting into tears again).  Yes, mum, he did, mum, right
+here in this room.  He got down on his knees to me on that Proossian
+rug before the sofa, mum.  I was standin' behind the sofa, havin'
+just come in to tell him as how you'd be down shortly.  He was
+standin' before the lookin'-glass lookin' at himself, an' when I come
+in he turns around and goes down on his knees and says such an
+importunity may not occur again, mum; I've loved you very long; and
+then he recited some pottery, mum, and said would I be his wife.
+
+Yardsley (desperately).  Let me explain.
+
+Dorothy.  Wait, Mr. Yardsley; your turn will come in a moment.
+
+Barlow.  Yes, it'll be here, my boy; don't fret about that.  Take all
+the time you need to make it a good one.  Gad, if this doesn't strain
+your imagination, nothing will.
+
+Dorothy.  Go on, Jennie.  Then what happened?
+
+Yardsley (with an injured expression).  Do you expect me to stand
+here, Miss Andrews, and hear this girl's horrible story?
+
+Barlow.  Then you know the story, do you, Yardsley?  It's horrible,
+and you are innocent.  My! you are a mind-reader with a vengeance.
+
+Dorothy.  Don't mind what these gentlemen say, Jennie, but go on.
+
+[Yardsley sinks into the arm-chair.  Barlow chuckles; Miss Andrews
+glances indignantly at him.
+
+Dorothy.  Pardon me, Mr. Barlow.  If there is any humor in the
+situation, I fail to see it.
+
+Barlow (seeing his error).  Nor, indeed, do I.  I was not--ah--
+laughing from mirth.  That chuckle was hysterics, Miss Dorothy, I
+assure you.  There are some laughs that can hardly be differentiated
+from sobs.
+
+Jennie.  I was all took in a heap, mum, to think of a fine gentleman
+like Mr. Yardsley proposing to me, mum, and I says the same.  Says I,
+"Oh, Mr. Yardsley, this is so suddent like," whereat he looks up with
+a countenance so full o' pain that I hadn't the heart to refuse him;
+so, fergettin' Hicks for the moment, I says, kind of soft like,
+certingly, sir.  It ain't for the likes o' me to say no to the likes
+o' him.
+
+Yardsley.  Then you said you were engaged to Hicks.  You know you
+did, Jennie.
+
+Barlow.  Ah!  Then you admit the proposal?
+
+Yardsley.  Oh Lord!  Worse and worse!  I--
+
+Dorothy.  Jennie has not finished her story.
+
+Jennie.  I did say as how I was engaged to Hicks, but I thought he
+would let me off; and Mr. Yardsley looked glad when I said that, and
+said he'd make it all right with Hicks.
+
+Yardsley.  What?  I?  Jennie O'Brien, or whatever your horrible name
+is, do you mean to say that I said I'd make it all right with Hicks?
+
+Jennie.  Not in them words, Mr. Yardsley; but you did say as how
+you'd see him yourself and give him a present.  You did indeed, Mr.
+Yardsley, as you was a-standin' on that there Proossian rug.
+
+Dorothy.  Did you, Mr. Yardsley?
+
+[Yardsley buries his face in his hands and groans.
+
+Barlow.  Not so ready with your explanations now, eh?
+
+Dorothy.  Mr. Barlow, really I must ask you not to interfere.  Did
+you say that, Mr. Yardsley?
+
+Yardsley.  I did, but--
+
+Dorothy (frigidly).  Go on, Jennie.
+
+Jennie.  Just then the front-door bell rings and Mr. Barlow comes,
+and there wasn't no more importunity for me to speak; but when I got
+down-stairs into the kitchen, mum, Mr. Hicks he comes in, an' (sobs)--
+an' I breaks with him.
+
+Yardsley.  You've broken with Hicks for me?
+
+Jennie.  Yes, I have--but I wouldn't never have done it if I'd known--
+boo-hoo--as how you'd behave this way an' deny ever havin' said a
+word.  I--I--I 1-lo-love Mr. Hicks, an'--I--I hate you--and I wish
+I'd let him come up and kill you, as he said he would.
+
+Dorothy.  Jennie!  Jennie! be calm!  Where is Hicks now?
+
+Yardsley.  That's so.  Where is Hicks?  I want to see him.
+
+Jennie.  Never fear for that.  You'll see him.  He's layin' for you
+outside.  An' that, Miss Dorothy, is why--I was a-wavin' at him an'
+sayin' "pst" to him.  I wanted to warn him, mum, of his danger, mum,
+because Hicks is very vi'lent, and he told me in so many words as how
+he was a-goin' to _do--him--up_.
+
+Barlow.  You'd better inform Mr. Hicks, Jennie, that Mr. Yardsley is
+already done up.
+
+Yardsley.  Do me up, eh?  Well, I like that.  I'm not afraid of any
+coachman in creation as long as he's off the box.  I'll go see him at
+once.
+
+Dorothy.  No--no--no.  Don't, Mr. Yardsley; don't, I beg of you.  I
+don't want to have any scene between you.
+
+Yardsley (heroically).  What if he succeeds?  I don't care.  As
+Barlow says, I'm done up as it is.  I don't want to live after this.
+What's the use.  Everything's lost.
+
+Barlow (dryly).  Jennie hasn't thrown you over yet.
+
+Jennie (sniffing airily).  Yes, she has, too.  I wouldn't marry him
+now for all the world--an'--and I've lost--lost Hicks.  (Weeps.)  Him
+as was so brave, an' looks so fine in livery!
+
+Yardsley.  If you'd only give me a chance to say something--
+
+Barlow.  Appears to me you've said too much already.
+
+Dorothy (coldly).  I--I don't agree with Mr. Barlow.  You--you
+haven't said enough, Mr. Yardsley.  If you have any explanation to
+make, I'll listen.
+
+Yardsley (looks up gratefully.  Suddenly his face brightens.  Aside).
+Gad!  The very thing!  I'll tell the exact truth, and if Dorothy has
+half the sense I think she has, I'll get in my proposal right under
+Barlow's very nose.  (Aloud.)  My--my explanation, Miss Andrews, is
+very simple.  I--ah--I cannot deny having spoken every word that
+Jennie has charged to my account.  I did get down on my knees on the
+rug.  I did say "divine creature."  I did not put it strong enough.
+I should have said "divinest of _all_ creatures."
+
+Dorothy (in remonstrance).  Mr. Yardsley!
+
+Barlow (aside).  Magnificent bluff!  But why?  (Rubs his forehead in
+a puzzled way.)  What the deuce is he driving at?
+
+Yardsley.  Kindly let me finish.  I did say "I love you."  I should
+have said "I adore you; I worship you."  I did say "Will you be my
+wife?" and I was going to add, "for if you will not, then is light
+turned into darkness for me, and life, which your 'yes' will render
+radiantly beautiful, will become dull, colorless, and not worth the
+living."  That is what I was going to say, Miss Andrews--Miss
+Dorothy--when--when Jennie interrupted me and spoke the word I most
+wish to hear--spoke the word "yes"; but it was not her yes that I
+wished.  My words of love were not for her.
+
+Barlow (perceiving his drift).  Ho!  Absurd!  Nonsense!  Most
+unreasonable!  You were calling the sofa the divinest of all
+creatures, I suppose, or perhaps asking the--the piano to put on its
+shoes and--elope with you.  Preposterous!
+
+Dorothy (softly).  Go on, Mr. Yardsley.
+
+Yardsley.  I--I spoke a little while ago about sand--courage--when it
+comes to one's asking the woman he loves the greatest of all
+questions.  I was boastful.  I pretended that I had that courage;
+but--well, I am not as brave as I seem.  I had come, Miss Dorothy, to
+say to you the words that fell on Jennie's ears, and--and I began to
+get nervous--stage-fright, I suppose it was--and I was foolish enough
+to rehearse what I had to say--to you, and to you alone.
+
+Barlow.  Let me speak, Miss Andrews.  I--
+
+Yardsley.  You haven't anything to do with the subject in hand, my
+dear Barlow, not a thing.
+
+Dorothy.  Jennie--what--what have you to say?
+
+Jennie.  Me?  Oh, mum, I hardly knows what to say!  This is suddenter
+than the other; but, Miss Dorothy, I'd believe him, I would, because--
+I--I think he's tellin' the truth, after all, for the reason that--
+oh dear--for--
+
+Dorothy.  Don't be frightened, Jennie.  For what reason?
+
+Jennie.  Well, mum, for the reason that when I said "yes," mum, he
+didn't act like all the other gentlemen I've said yes to, and--and k--
+kuk--kiss me.
+
+Yardsley.  That's it! that's it!  Do you suppose that if I'd been
+after Jennie's yes, and got it, I'd have let a door-bell and a sofa
+stand between me and--the sealing of the proposal?
+
+Barlow (aside).  Oh, what nonsense this all is!  I've got to get
+ahead of this fellow in some way.  (Aloud.)  Well, where do I come
+in?  I came here, Miss Andrews, to--tell you--
+
+Yardsley (interposing).  You come in where you came in before--just a
+little late--after the proposal, as it were.
+
+Dorothy (her face clearing and wreathing with smiles).  What a comedy
+of errors it has all been!  I--I believe you, Mr. Yardsley.
+
+Yardsley.  Thank Heaven!  And--ah--you aren't going to say anything
+more, D--Dorothy?
+
+Dorothy.  I'm afraid--
+
+Yardsley.  Are you going to make me go through that proposal all over
+again, now that I've got myself into so much trouble saying it the
+first time--Dorothy?
+
+Dorothy.  No, no.  You needn't--you needn't speak of it again.
+
+Barlow (aside).  Good!  That's his conge.
+
+Yardsley.  And--then if I--if I needn't say it again?  What then?
+Can't I have--my answer now?  Oh, Miss Andrews--
+
+Dorothy (with downcast eyes, softly).  What did Jennie say?
+
+Yardsley (in ecstasy).  Do you mean it?
+
+Barlow.  I fancy--I fancy I'd better go now, Miss--er--Miss Andrews.
+I--I--have an appointment with Mr. Wilkins, and--er--I observe that
+it is getting rather late.
+
+Yardsley.  Don't go yet, Jack.  I'm not so anxious to be rid of you
+now.
+
+Barlow.  I must go--really.
+
+Yardsley.  But I want you to make me one promise before you go.
+
+Dorothy.  He'll make it, I'm sure, if I ask him.  Mr. Yardsley and I
+want you--want you to be our best man.
+
+Yardsley.  That's it, precisely.  Eh, Jack?
+
+Barlow.  Well, yes.  I'll be--second-best man, The events of the
+afternoon have shown my capacity for that.
+
+Yardsley.  Ah!
+
+Barlow.  And I'll show my sincerity by wearing Bob's hat and coat
+into the street now and letting the fury of Hicks fall upon me.
+
+Jennie.  If you please, Miss Dorothy--I--I think I can attend to Mr.
+Hicks.
+
+Dorothy.  Very well.  I think that would be better.  You may go,
+Jennie.
+
+[Jennie departs.
+
+Barlow.  Well, good-day.  I--I've had a very pleasant afternoon,
+Miss--Andrews.  Thanks for the--the cambric tea.
+
+Dorothy.  Good-bye, and don't forget.
+
+Barlow.  I'm afraid--I won't.  Good-bye, Bob.  I congratulate you
+from my heart.  I was in hopes that I should have the pleasure of
+having you for a best man at my wedding, but--er--there's many a
+slip, you know, and I wish you joy.
+
+[Yardsley shakes him by the hand, and Barlow goes out.  As he
+disappears through the portieres Yardsley follows, and, holding the
+curtain aside, looks after him until the front door is heard closing.
+Then he turns about.  Dorothy looks demurely around at him, and as he
+starts to go to her side the curtain falls.
+
+
+
+
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