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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/11732-0.txt b/11732-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a640ee6 --- /dev/null +++ b/11732-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1922 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11732 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11732-h.htm or 11732-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/7/3/11732/11732-h/11732-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/7/3/11732/11732-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 156 + +APRIL 16, 1919 + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +We understand that a proposal to send a relief party to America +to rescue Scotsmen from the threatened Prohibition law is under +consideration. + + *** + +It is rumoured that _The Times_ is about to announce that it does not +hold itself responsible for editorial opinions expressed in its own +columns. + + *** + +A correspondent, complaining of the tiny flats in London, states that +he is a trombone-player, and every time he wants to get the lowest +note he has to go out on to the landing. + + *** + +In Essex Street, Shoreditch--so Dr. ADDISON explained to the House +of Commons--there are seven hundred and thirty-three people in +twenty-nine houses. A correspondent writes that a single house in the +neighbourhood of Big Ben contains seven hundred and seven persons, +many of them incapable, and that nothing is being done about it. + + *** + +"The Original Dixie Land Jazz Band has arrived in London," says an +evening paper. We are grateful for the warning. + + *** + +Over two hundred season-ticket-holders live within a mile radius at +Southend. We suppose there must be some attraction at Southend to +explain why so many season-ticket-holders live there. + + *** + +We are pleased to be able to throw some light on the mystery of the +Russian who was not shot in Petrograd last week. It appears that he +ducked his head. + + *** + +We await confirmation of the report that an American has offered to +defray the cost of the War if the authorities will name it after him. + + *** + +The Surplus Government Property Disposal Board is making a special +offer of eighteen-pounder guns to golf clubs. For a long shot out of a +bad lie the superiority of the eighteen-pounder over the Sammie cleek +is conceded by all the best golfers. + + *** + +Westgate-on-Sea has decided to abolish bathing-machines. In future +visitors desiring to bathe will have to do it by hand. + + *** + +Mr. KELLAWAY informed the House of Commons the other day that the War +Office has forty million yards of surplus aeroplane linen. It seems +inevitable that some of it will have to be washed in public. + + *** + +A woman aged twenty-six, mother of five children, told the Old Street +police magistrate that she could not read. How she managed to have +five children without being able to read the Defence of the Realm +Regulations is regarded by the authorities as a mystery. + + *** + +At the Royal Drawing Society's exhibition there is a picture painted +by a child of two. Pictures by older artists, with all the appearances +of having been painted by children of this unripe age, are, of course, +no novelty. + + *** + +"Whitehall Wakes Up," says _The Evening News_. An indignant denial of +this charge is hourly expected. + + *** + +A Northumberland man last week declined to draw his unemployment pay +on the ground that he was not actually wanting it. His workmates put +it down to the alleged fact that a careless nurse had let him fall out +of the perambulator on to his head. + + *** + +"Unless Russian women join the Bolshevist movement," says Herr RADEK, +"they will all be shot by order of Lenin." This confirms our worst +fears that these Russian revolutionaries are becoming rather spiteful. + + *** + +A new fire-engine has been provided for Aberavon. As a result of this +addition to their appliances the Aberavon Fire Brigade are now able to +consider a few additional fires. + + *** + +A large rat with peculiar red markings on its back has recently been +seen at Woodvale, Isle of Wight. In consequence much alarm is felt +locally, as it is feared that this is an indication that the rodents +on the isle have embraced Bolshevism. + + *** + +The correspondent who, as reported in these columns, noticed a pair +of labourers building within a stone's-throw of Catford Bridge, now +writes to say that a foundation stone has been laid. + + *** + +Philanthropists are warned against a beggar who is going about saying +that, when wounded in France, he was so full of bullets that they took +him back to the Base in an ammunition wagon instead of an ambulance. + + *** + +The reported decision of the Sinn Fein Executive, that policemen shall +only be shot at on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, has definitely +eased a situation which it was feared could only be coped with by +arresting the instigators of such crimes. + + *** + +In a recent suit for alimony a wealthy New Yorker complained that his +wife used a diamond-studded watch for a golf tee. If she had only +wasted the money on a new ball he would never have complained. + + *** + +Experiments in rat-killing, says a news item, are being carried out at +the Zoo. At the time of writing the reticulated python is said to be +leading the whale-headed stork by a matter of three rats. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: _Husband (just arrived home)._ "WHAT ON EARTH HAVE YOU +BEEN DOING WITH YOURSELF?" + +_Wife_, "ONLY THE COAL-MAN'S BEEN AT LAST, AND I SIMPLY COULDN'T +RESIST GIVING THE DEAR MAN A KISS!"] + + * * * * * + +From the report of a breach of promise case:-- + + "The engagement came about through a chance meeting in Richmond + Park in the summer of 117."--_Daily Herald_. + +Despite the happy case of Jacob and Rachel, we never have approved of +these long engagements. + + * * * * * + +A PAYING GAME. + + When Belgium lay beneath your heel + To prove the law that Might is Right, + And Innocence, without appeal, + Must serve your scheme of _Schrecklichkeit_, + "Justice," we said, "abides her day + And she shall set her balance true; + Methods like yours can never pay." + "Can't they?" you cried; "they can--and do!" + + And now full circle comes the wheel, + And, prone across the knees of Fate, + You are to hear, without appeal, + The final terms that we dictate; + And, when you whine (the German way) + On presentation of the bill: + "_Ach, Himmel!_ we can never pay," + "Can't you?" we'll cry; "you can--and will!" + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE BRIGHTER SIDE OF PEACE. + +I'm not out of the Army yet, but lately I was home on leave. At a time +like that you don't really care about being demobilised just yet. +After all, to earn--or let us say to be paid--several pounds for a +fortnight's luxurious idleness is a far, far better thing than to +receive about the same number of shillings for a like period of +unremitting toil. There you have an indication of the financial +prospects of my civvy career. None the less, to me in Blighty the +future looked as rosy as a robin's breast, and life was immensely +satisfactory. I deemed that I was capable of saying "Ha, ha" among +the captains (though myself only boasting two pips). Then one day, in +the lane that leads to the downs, I met Woggles. + +I've known Woggles for years and years. Some time ago she became a +V.A.D. and began to drive an ambulance about France; since when I had +lost sight of her. I greeted her therefore with jubilation. + +"Oh, Woggles," I cried, "this is a great occasion. How shall we +celebrate it?" + +"Well, if you like I'll go back again on to the top with you and show +you the Weald. But I'd much rather you came home to tea. I _could_ +make some 'Dog's Delight'--s'posing you haven't outgrown such simple +tastes." + +"Oh, if you put it like that," I said cheerfully. + +Well, it was a bitter sort of afternoon and growing late. The +annoyance of Bogie (an enthusiastic puppy) at missing his walk might +appropriately be solaced with portions of "Dog's Delight." It's a +large home-made bun thing which used to delight me as well as Bogie's +mother in days gone by. + +"I ought to warn you," said Woggles as we walked across the fields, +"that Mother and Dad are out to-day. I expect your dog'll have to take +acting rank as chaperon." + +"By the way," I said, "you don't know each other, do you?" I called +Bogie, who was giving a vivid imitation of a cavalry screen protecting +our advance, and made him sit up and pretend to be begging. "Now +fix your eyes on the kind lady," I commanded. "Woggles--Bogie: +Bogie--Woggles. Two very nice people." Bogie barked, put out his +tongue and let the wind blow his left ear inside out. Woggles laughed +in that excellent way she has. + +At the Rectory she sang to me even better than she used to; the +"Delight" was an achievement, Bogie being most agreeably surprised; +there was a glow of firelight such as I love, and a vast comfortable +chair. I felt lazy and very happy. + +"This tea idea of yours was simply an inspiration. I don't know when +I've been so pleased with myself and existence generally. At the +moment my _moral_ is as high as Mount Everest." + +"Yes, I noticed something like that," Woggles agreed. "More tea? +It's only about your fifth cup." Suddenly serious, she went on: "I +wonder--is there much to be happy about just now? Dad thinks not; and +so do I, rather. Do you want to talk about it, or would you rather +find faces in the fire?" + +"Please I want to talk about it." + +"Carry on then. Fortify yourself with that last bit of 'Delight.'" + +In spite of this reinforcement I found it wasn't so very easy to +begin. + +"Well," I said slowly, "I expect the foundation of my _joie de vivre_ +is a great relief that the War's over. Lots of troops celebrated that +with song and dance and so forth on November 11th and subsequent +nights; I'm spreading it over a much longer time. In a way it's like +having a death sentence repealed, for millions of us. Not the heroic +spirit, is it?--but there you are." + +"Of course everyone feels that," Woggles admitted. "Only now that it +_is_ all over, aren't we sort of looking round and counting the cost? +Thinking that all this loss of life and suffering hasn't made the +world so very much better? Look at Russia and our strikes. Doesn't +Bolshevism worry you?" she asked. + +"The fact is," I told her, "I believe I've evolved a philosophy of +life which nothing of that kind can seriously disturb--or I hope not. +It's very jolly to feel like that." + +"It must be. May we have this philosophy, please? Perhaps you'll make +a disciple." + +"It's an awfully simple one really, only I think people lose sight of +it so strangely. Just to realise the extraordinary pleasure everyday +things can give you--if you'll only let them. You compree that?" + +"It doesn't sound very convincing," Woggles objected. "Everyday +things! As for instance?" + +"Oh, what shall I say? One of those really fine mornings; huge white +clouds in a deep blue sky; the feel of a good drive at golf; smoke +from cottage chimneys at dusk; wondering what's round the next corner +of an unknown road; bare branches at night with the stars tangled in +them; the wind that blows across these downs of ours; the music of a +sentence of STEVENSON'S; Bogie here and his funny little ways--Well, I +needn't go on?" + +"No, you needn't," said Woggles thoughtfully and looked at me rather +hard for a space. "We're old friends, aren't we, and all that sort of +thing?" she demanded. + +"What a question! I hope we are. But why?" + +"Well, I'm going to ask you something. But I may say I'm rather +nervous. You'll promise not to set Bogie at me or strangle me with +your Sam Browne?" + +"I will." + +"Well, then, have you been asking Betty Willoughby to marry you, and +has she said 'Yes'?" + +I was amazed. Was Woggles also among the soothsayers? Because a few +evenings earlier, with the help of a splendid full moon and one or two +extenuating circumstances-- + +"But this is black magic and wizardry," I said. "It's a dead secret. +How on earth did you know?" + +"Oh, I just guessed," said Woggles. + + * * * * * + +THE MATRIMONIAL MARKET. + + "Young Girl Wanted, for Wife of Naval Officer."--_Provincial + Paper_. + +The Navy may be the Silent Service, but when it does speak it is very +direct. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE EASTER OFFERING. + +MR. LLOYD GEORGE _(fresh from Paris)._ "I DON'T SAY IT'S A PERFECT +EGG; BUT PARTS OF IT, AS THE SAYING IS, ARE EXCELLENT."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Colonel (back with his battalion from front lines--to +horsey and immaculate Railway Transport, Officer)._ "ENGINES A BIT +FRISKY THIS MORNING?"] + + * * * * * + +PROPAGANDA IN THE BALKANS. + +At the end of September last those whom we in Macedonia had come +to regard as our deadly enemies became our would-be friends with a +suddenness which was almost painful. Kultur is a leavening influence, +and our spurious local Hun in Bulgaria is every bit as frightful in +war and as oily in defeat as the genuine article on the Rhine. + +To escape this unfamiliar and rather overpowering atmosphere of +friendliness our section of the Salonica Force immediately made for +the nearest available enemy and found ourselves at a lonely spot on +the Turkish frontier. The name of the O.C. Local Bulgars began with +Boris, and he was a _Candidat Offizier_ or Cadet, and acting Town +Major. As an earnest of good-will, he showed us photos of his home, +before and after the most recent _pogrom_, and of his grandfather, a +bandit with a flourishing practice in the Philippopolis district, much +respected locally. + +We took up our dispositions, and shortly all officers were engaged +sorting out the suspicious characters arrested by the sentries. It was +in this way that I became acquainted with Serge Gotastitch the Serb. + +When he was brought before me I sent for Aristides Papazaphiropoulos, +our interpreter, and in the meantime delivered a short lecture to the +Sergeant-Major, Quartermaster-Sergeant and Storeman on the inferiority +of the Balkan peoples, with particular reference to the specimen +before us, to whom, in view of the fact that he seemed a little below +himself, I gave a tot of rum. He eyed it with suspicion. + +"What's this?" he asked suddenly (in English). "Whisky?" + +I informed him that it was rum. + +"That's the goods," he said, and drank it. I then commenced +interrogation. + +"You are a Bulgar?" I asked. + +"No," said Serge cheerlessly, "I am Serb." + +"Serb! Then what are you doing here?" + +"I hail from Prilep," he explained. "When Bulgar come Prilep, they +say, 'You not Serb; you Bulgar.' So they bringit me here with others, +and I workit on railroad. My family I not know where they are; no +clothes getting, no money neither. English plenty money," he added, _à +propos_ of nothing. + +I ignored the hint. + +"Then you are a prisoner of war?" I suggested. + +"In old time," he continued, "Turks have Prilep. I go to America and +workit on railroad Chicago--three, four year. When I come back Turks +take me for army. Not liking I desert to Serbish army. When war +finish, Serbs have Prilep. I go home Serbish civil. Then this war +start. Bulgar come to Prilep and say, 'You Bulgar, you come work for +us.' You understahn me, boss?" + +"I must look into this," I said to the Sergeant-Major. "Send for the +interpreter and ask the Bulgar officer to step in. He's just going +past." + +Boris arrived with a salute and a charming smile and listened to my +tale. Then he turned a cold eye on Serge and burst into a torrent of +Bulgarian, under which Serge stood with lifting scalp. + +"Sir," faltered Serge, when the cascade ceased, "I am liar. All I said +to you is false. I am good Bulgar. I hate Serbs." + +"Then you are not, in fact, a Serb?" I said. + +"Nope," said Serge, nodding his head frantically (the Oriental method +of negation). + +"Do you want to go home?" I asked cunningly. + +"Sure, boss," replied he. "Want to go Chicago." + +Boris uttered one blasting guttural and Serge receded to the horizon +with great rapidity. "You understand, _mon ami_," explained Boris; "he +is really a Bulgar, but the villainous Serb propagandists have taught +him the Serbian language and that he is Serb. It is his duty really to +fight or work for Bulgaria, just as it was ours to liberate him and +his other Bulgar brothers in Serbia from the yoke of the Serbs. It is +understood, my friend?" + +"Oh, absolutely," I replied. + +He withdrew, exchanging a glance of hatred with Aristides +Papazaphiropoulos, who approached saluting with Hellenic fervour. + +"You wish me, Sare?" he asked. + +"I did," I answered, and outlined to him what had passed. "Is it true +that propaganda is, or are, used to that extent?" + +"It is true," he answered sadly. "The Serb has much propagandism, the +Bulgar also. But in this case both are liars, since the population of +Prilep is rightfully Greek." + + * * * * * + +Three days later Boris appeared before me with a sullen face. + +"I wish to complain," he said. "You have with you a Greek, one +Papazaphiropoulos. It is forbidden by the terms of the Armistice that +Greeks should come into Bulgaria. Greeks or Serbs--it is expressly +stated. I wish to complain." + +"You are wrong," I replied. "He is no Greek. He is a Bulgar. But the +cunning Greek propagandists have taught him the Greek language and +that he is a Greek. It is really his duty to be the first to rush on +to the soil of his beloved Bulgaria--" + +"Ach!" said Boris, grinding his teeth; "you mock our patriotism. You +are an Englishman." + +"I don't," I replied. "And I'm not. I'm French. We came over in +1066. You ask my aunt at Tunbridge Wells. But the villainous English +propagandists taught me English, and the Scotch gave me a taste for +whisky, and--" + +But Boris had faded away. + + * * * * * + +ALARMING: SPREAD OF CANNIBALISM. + + "AUSTRALIANS IN FRANCE. + + "THIRD OF GERMAN ARMY EATEN." + _Queensland Paper_. + + "THOROUGHLY Experienced Cook. Capable cooking large + family."--_Ceylon Paper_. + + "WANTED, Smart Young Man or Woman, for frying."--_Provincial + Paper_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Born Grumbler_. "FOR OVER FOUR YEARS I'VE BATTLED +FURIOUSLY AGAINST A 'ARD AN' BITTER FOE. AN' 'ERE I AM CONSTRUCTIN' A +WOODEN' 'ORSE FOR THE CAPTIN'S SON."] + + * * * * * + +TO A YOUNG SUB. + +_(By a late one.)_ + + Sublime young Sir, so nuttily complacent, + So airy-poised upon thy rubbered feet, + The cynosure, no doubt, of all adjacent + Regard along that hit of Regent Street, + My thanks. In rather less than half a twinkling + Thy lofty air and high Olympian gaze + Have taught me that of which I had no inkling + Throughout my swashing military days. + + I too (_et ego in Arcadia vixi_)-- + I too have strolled like that in London town, + Demanding homage from the very bricks I + Pressed with my shoes of scintillating brown; + But never till I tried the fair corrective + Of seeing khaki from a civvy suit + Could I envisage in its true perspective + That common circumstance, a Second-Loot. + + * * * * * + +NOT DEAD YET. + + "The Hungarian Soviet Government has adopted a non-posthumous + attitude."--_Globe_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Host (to visitor just arrived)._ "GET YOUR OVERCOAT +OFF QUICKLY, MAN; THEN HE'LL THINK YOU BELONG TO THE HOUSE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE PASSING OF GREEK. + +A great thanksgiving meeting (postponed till "Summer-time" on account +of the shortage of artificial heat) was held at the Albert Hall last +Saturday to celebrate the dethronement of Greek at Oxford. Mr. H.G. +WELLS presided, and there was a numerous attendance. + +Mr. WELLS, while he struck and maintained a jubilant note throughout +his eloquent speech, tempered enthusiasm with caution. The Grecians, +he said, like the Greeks, were wily folk and capable of shamming dead +while they were all the while scheming and plotting to restore their +imperilled supremacy. Indeed he knew it as a fact that some of the +most infatuated scholars actually voted against compulsion, simply to +confuse the issue. Still, for the moment it was a great victory, a +crushing blow to Oxford, the stronghold of mediaevalism, incompetence +and Hanoverianism, and an immense relief to the sorely-tried physique +of the nation. For he was able to assure them, speaking with the +authority of one who had taken first-class honours in Zoology, that +the study of Greek more than anything else predisposed people to +influenza by promoting cachexia, often leading to arterio-sclerosis, +bombination of the tympanum, and even astigmatism of the pineal gland. +(Sensation.) + +Mr. PEMBERTON BILLING, M.P., speaking from the seat of an aeroplane, +said that he had found the little Greek he remembered from his +school-days not only no help but a positive hindrance to his advocacy +of a strong Air policy. The efforts of the Greeks as pioneers of +aviation were grossly exaggerated and, speaking as an expert, he +denounced these literary fictions as so much hot air. There were at +least forty-seven thousand reasons against Greek, but he would +be content with two. It didn't pay, and it was much harder than +Esperanto. + +Mr. WILLIAM LE QUEUX in a most impressive speech said that he was +no enemy of ancient learning. Egyptology was only a less favourite +recreation with him than revolver practice. But Greek he could never +abide, and he was confirmed in his instinct by the fact that at all +the sixteen Courts where he had been received and decorated Classical +Greek was practically unknown. It was the same in his travels in +Morocco, Algeria, Kabylia, among the Touaregs, the Senussis and the +pygmies of the Aruwhimi Hinterland. He never heard it even alluded to. +Nor had he found it necessary for his investigations into the secret +service of Foreign Powers, the writing of spy stories, the forecasting +of the Great War or the composition of cinema plays. He had done his +best to procure the prohibition of the study of Greek in the Republic +of San Marino, and he was inclined to trace the present financial +crisis in that State to his failure. (Cheers.) + +Mr. BERNARD SHAW struck a somewhat jarring note by the cynical remark +that it would be a very good thing for modern sensational authors if +Greek literature were not only neglected but destroyed, as some of the +Classical authors had been guilty of prospective plagiarism on a large +scale. He knew this as a fact, as he had been recently reading LUCIAN +in a crib and found him devilish amusing. (Uproar and cries of +"Shame!") + +A moving letter was read from Lord BEAVERBROOK, in which the great +financier declared that, in arriving at the peerage at the age of +thirty-seven, he had found his inability to read HOMER freely in the +original no handicap or hindrance. He pointed out the interesting fact +that Lord NORTHCLIFFE, who reached a similar elevation at the age of +forty, had never composed any Greek iambics, though his literary style +was singularly polished. + +It was felt that any further speeches after this momentous +announcement would inevitably partake of the nature of an anti-climax. + +The Chairman happily interpreted the feeling of the meeting by hurling +a copy of _Liddell and Scott_ on the floor of the platform and dancing +upon it, and the great assembly soon afterwards dispersed in a mood of +solemn exultation to the strains of a Jazz band. As Mr. WELLS observed +in a fine phrase, "We have to-day extinguished the lights in the +Classical firmament." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Demobilised One (to massive lady about to make her +exit),_ "EXCUSE ME WOULD YOU MIND TREADING--ACCIDENTAL-LIKE--ON THAT +MAN'S TOES? HE USED TO BE MY SERGEANT-MAJOR."] + + * * * * * + +THE TENDER-HEARTED BAILIE. + + "Accused broke down in the dock, and while weeping bitterly the + Bailie fined both girls £1 or ten days."--_Edinburgh Evening + News_. + + * * * * * + + "Lord Burray of Elibank and the Hon. Gideon Murray, M.P., have + recently had influenza and bronchitis."--_Scotch Paper_. + +From internal evidence we gather that his lordship has not yet +completely recovered. + + * * * * * + +SO SOON FORGOT. + + [A cinema has been showing a picture of M. PADEREWSKI, bearing + the legend, "The new President of Poland: once a world-famed + violinist."] + + The President of POLAND + Was born to place and power; + Yet, ere he found his mission + In filling this position, + He was a great musician-- + Men say so to this hour. + But, dash it! while the whole land + Admits his old repute, + It wonders, "Did this fellow, + At whom Queen's Hall would bellow, + Perform upon the 'cello, + Or did he play the flute?" + + The day AUGUSTUS JOHN is + Created Duke of Wales, + His countrymen will never + Stop boasting of how clever + He is at Art, whatever + (Though Burlington still rails). + But one small detail gone is + From their forgetful nuts; + Their recollection's shady-- + Did JOHN'S artistic heyday + Mean costumes for _The Lady_ + Or things for _Comic Cuts?_ + + When HALL CAINE rules a nation + As Superman of Man, + His subjects will assure us + In daily dance and chorus: + "Ere HALL presided o'er us, + Men read him as they ran. + For once his circulation + Spread over Seven Seas." + Yet memory by chance errs + In these ecstatic dancers-- + Oh, did he edit _Answers_, + Or write "Callisthenes"? + + * * * * * + +OUR HELPFUL CONTEMPORARIES. + + "But the most pressing of all the questions with which the Peace + Congress has to deal is the settlement of terms of peace with + Germany."--_Nottingham Guardian_. + + * * * * * + + "LIFE'S LITTLE MARVELS. + + "A family of eight was stated to be living on £3 a week in the + Bow County Court, and counsel said it was a marvel how they did + it."--_Bradford Daily Argus_. + +It is supposed that they take it in turns to sleep on the Bench. + + * * * * * + + "A Republic is derported to have been declared at Zagazig. In + Cairo stdikes have added to the difficulties of the public, the + latest being one by the cabddivers. Crowds ottempted to storm + the Government printing works, but were dispersed by the + military."--_Daily Paper_. + +Not, however, until they had worked some havoc among the type. + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +I was motoring homewards across the old line. A ghost-peopled dusk was +crawling over the devastation and desolation that is Vimy, and in the +distance the bare bones of St. Eloy loomed like a spectre skeleton +against the frosty after-glow. We hummed past Thélus cross-roads, +dipped downhill and, _hey presto_! all of a sudden I was in China. +(No, not Neuville-St.-Vaast; China, China, place where they eat +birds'-nests and puppy-dogs' tails.) There were coolies from some +salvage company all over the place, perched on heaps of broken +masonry, squatting along the ditch side, banked ten-deep in the +road--tall villainous-looking devils, very intently watching +something. I pulled up, partly to avoid killing them and partly to see +what it was all about. + +It was an open-air theatre. They had built it on the ruins of an +_estaminet_, roofed it over with odds and ends of tin and tarpaulin, +and the play was on. There was the orchestra against the back-cloth, +rendering selections from popular Pekin revues on the drum, cymbal and +one-stringed fiddle. There were the actors apparelled in the gorgeous +costumes of old Cathay strutting mechanically through their parts, the +female impersonators squeaking in shrill falsetto and putting in a lot +of subtle fan-work. And there was the ubiquitous property-man drifting +in and out among the performers, setting his fantastic house in order. +We were actually within a mile of the Vimy Ridge, but we might have +been away on the sunny side of Suez, deep within the mysterious heart +of Canton City. + +"Good as a three-ring circus, ain't it?" said an English voice at my +side; "most of their plays run on for nine months or so, but this +particular show only lasts six weeks, the merest curtain-raiser." + +I turned towards the speaker and looked full upon the beak nose, cleft +cheek and bristling red moustache of an old friend. "Good Lord, The +Beachcomber!" I breathed. He started, peered at me and growled, +"Captain Dawnay-Devenish, if it's all the same to you, Mister blooming +Lieutenant." + + * * * * * + + In the year 1907 John Fanshawe Dawnay-Devenish arrived in a certain +Far Eastern port, deck passenger aboard a Dutch tramp out of Batavia. +The Volendam mate accompanied him to the gang-plank, shaking a size +eleven fist: "Now yous, get, see?... an' iv yous gome bag...!" He +ground his horse-teeth and made unpleasant noises in his throat. + +"Shouldn't dream of risking it, old dear," replied John Fanshawe +pleasantly, "not on your venerable coffee-grinder anyhow--not until +she gets a navigator." He kissed his nicotined fingers to the +exploding Hollander and strolled off down the wharf, whistling "_Nun +trink ich Schnapps_." + +Arrived in the European quarter he smoothed what creases he could out +of his sole suit of drills, whitened his soggy topee and frayed canvas +shoes with a piece of chalk purloined from a billiard saloon, bluffed +a drink out of an inebriated ship's engineer and snatched a free lunch +on the strength of it. Thus fortified he visited the British Consul, +and by means of somewhat soiled letters proved that he really was a +Dawnay-Devenish of the Dorset Dawnay-Devenishes (who should be in no +way confused with the Devenish-Dawnays of Chipping-Banbury or the +Devenishe d'Awnay-Dawnays of Upper Tooting; the Dorset branch alone +possessing the privilege, granted by letters patent of ETHELRED the +Unready, of drinking the King's bathwater every Maunday Tuesday of +Leap Year). + +Awed by the name--was there not a Dawnay-Devenish occupying a plump +armchair in the Colonial Office at the time?--the Consul parted +with five hundred dollars (Mex.). Next time the yield was not so +satisfactory, not by two hundred and fifty dollars. At the end of +a month, the Consul having proved a broken reed only good for +five-dollar touches at considerable intervals, it behoved our hero to +seek some fresh source of income. He cast up-river in search of it and +disappeared from civilised ken for seven merciful years. + +In June, 1914, he beat back into port in a fancifully decorated junk, +minus one ear and two fingers, but plus a cargo of jingling genuine +money. He hired the bridal suite in the leading hotel, got hold of a +fleet of motor cars and a host of boon companions, lived on a diet +of champagne cocktails and splashed himself about with the carefree +abandon of a dancing dervish. + +By the middle of July he was "on the beach" again and once more began +to haunt the Consular office babbling of his influential relations and +his "temporary embarrassment." + +When war broke out he had thrown up the sponge altogether and "gone +yellow"; was living from hand to mouth among the Chinese. At the +end of August a ship touched at that Far Eastern port, picking up +volunteers for the Western Front. The port contributed a goodly +number, but there remained one berth vacant. The long-suffering Consul +had a stroke of inspiration. Here was a means of at once swelling +the man-power of his country and ridding himself of a pestilent +ne'er-do-well. His boys, searching far and wide, discovered John +Fanshawe in the back premises of a Malay go-down, oblivious to all +things, and bore him inanimate aboard ship. + +In this manner did our hero answer The Call. + +In due course he appeared in our reserve squadron and was detailed +to my troop. It did not take me many days to realise that I was up +against the most practised malingerer in the British (or any +other) army. Did a fatigue prove too irksome; did the jumps in the +riding-school loom too large; did the serjeant speak a harsh word unto +him, "The Beachcomber" promptly went sick. Malaria was his long suit. +By aid of black arts learned during those seven years sojourning with +the heathen Chinee he could switch malaria (or a plausible imitation +of it) on or off at will and fool the M.O.'s every time. I used to +interview them about it, but got scant sympathy. The Healers' Union +brooks no interference from outsiders. + +"Look here, that brute's bluffing you," I would protest. + +To which they would make reply, "Can you give us any scientific +explanation of how a man can fake his pulse and increase his +temperature to 102° by taking thought? You can't? No, we didn't +suppose you could. Good day." + +One person, however, I did succeed in convincing, and that was the +C.O., who knew his East. "Very good," said he. "If the skunk won't +be trained he shall go untrained. He sails for France with the next +draft." + +Nevertheless our friend did not sail with the next draft. Ten minutes +after being warned for it, the old complaint caught him again, and +when the band played our lads out of barracks he was snugly tucked +away in sick-bay with sweet girl V.A.D.'s coaxing him to nibble a +little calves-foot jelly and keep his strength up. Nor did he figure +among either of the two subsequent drafts; his malaria wouldn't hear +of it. + +I went back to the land of fireworks at the head of one of these +drafts myself, freely admitting that John Fanshawe had the best of +the joke. He waved me farewell out of the hospital window by way of +emphasising this. + +The Babe followed me out shortly after, bringing about fifty men with +him. He strolled into Mess one evening and mentioned quite casually +that The Beachcomber was in camp. + +"How did you manage it?" we chorused in wonder. + +"Heard the story of his leaving China and repeated the dose," the Babe +replied. "Just before the draft was warned, my batman led him down +to Mooney's shebeen and treated him to the run of his throat--at my +expense. He came all the way as baggage." + +Thus did John Fanshawe complete the second stage of his journey to the +War. He did not remain with us long, however; a fortnight at the most. + +We were doing some digging at the time, night-work, up forward, in +clay so glutinous it would not leave the shovels and had mainly to be +clawed out by hand--filthy, back-breaking, heart-rending labour. On +calling the roll one dawn I found that The Beachcomber was missing. + +"Anybody seen anything of him?" I asked. + +"Yessir, I did," a man replied, and spat disgustedly. + +"Well," I inquired, "was he hit or anything?" + +The man grunted, "No, Sir; I don't think 'e was 'it; I think 'e was +fed up. 'Call this war, do they?' says 'e to me. 'I call it blawsted +WORK!' I told 'im to get on wiv it an' do 'is whack. + +"'E chucks a couple of spoonfuls of muck and then sits down. 'I can +feel me damned ol' malaria creepin' over me again, Jim,' says 'e. +'Noticed a Red Cross outfit in the valley; think I'll be totterin' +along there,' says 'e. 'So long.' And that was the last the regiment +saw of its Beachcomber." + + * * * * * + +"Have it as you like, Captain Dawnay-Devenish," I said, "but before I +go tell me, how did you wangle this job?" + +"Any affair of yours?" he sneered. + +"No," I admitted; "still I'm interested." + +He laughed unpleasantly. "Yes, you would be. Always infernally keen on +minding my business for me, weren't you? Well, if you must know, I was +convalescing when these same Chows started a pogrom in the next camp. +I stopped it, and the powers--who were scared stiff--tacked a stripe +on me and told me to carry on." + +"That accounts for the stripe," said I; "but what of the stars?" + +"Oh, them! We were behind the line down south last year laying a toy +railway when the Hun broke clean through in a fog. Remember? I pulled +the Chinks together and we stopped 'em. That's all." + +"Good Lord, that wasn't you, was it?" I cried. "Set about 'em with +picks and shovels, shrieking Chinese war-cries and chopped 'em to +bits. Oh, splendid! But how on earth did you rouse these tame coolies +to it?" + +The Beachcomber tugged his red moustache and laughed deprecatingly. +"It wasn't very difficult really. You see, these birds of mine are +only temporary coolies. In civilian life they're mostly river pirates, +Tong-fighters and suchlike professional cut-throats. Killing comes +natural to 'em. They only wanted somebody who could organize and lead +'em." + +"And you could?" + +The Beachcomber drew himself up proudly. + +"I should hope so. Wasn't I their Pirate King for seven long years?" + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR COURTEOUS TELEPHONE SERVICE. + +_City Magnate_. "YOU'VE CUT ME OFF! HELL!!" + +_Sweet Voice from the other end_. "THAT WILL BE A TRUNK CALL."] + + * * * * * + +SELF-DETERMINATION IN DEVON. + + "At a public meeting at Barnstaple, the Vicar presiding, it + was decided to form a local branch of the League of + Nations."--_Western Morning News_. + +Won't WILSON be bucked? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Little Girl (in foreground)._ "MOTHER, I SUPPOSE THE +BRIDEGROOM _MUST_ COME TO HIS WEDDING?"] + + * * * * * + +THE LAST WATCH OF THE NIGHT. + + The hand of dawn is on the door + That seals the dolorous arch of night; + Dim gardens and hushed groves once more + Dream of the half-forgotten light; + Yet all the ancient fires are cold + On altars battered and forlorn, + And men grope still for gauds of gold, + Oblivious of the imminent morn. + + When comes the dawn? Its unseen dew + Distils on folded swath and mound, + Where grass is deep or sods are new, + And branches shake without a sound; + Where, numberless and low and grey, + The furrows lessen to the sky; + There sleep the sons of England, they + Who died that England should not die. + + Better--ah, better for us all, + For them who sleep and us who wake, + That never bird at dawn should call + Nor golden foam of morning break; + That on one high cairn of the dead + The ultimate light should be unsealed, + Than that the world should live unled, + Unchanged, unpurified, unhealed. + + Life and all things that make it fair + Men gave that better lives might be; + They went exulting and aware + Forth to the great discovery; + But who will prize life over-much + Or deem that death comes over-soon + If hands of fools and barterers touch + The architrave of Hope half-hewn! + + Under a brave new baldachin, + New robes drooped o'er their crimson feet, + The old unaltered twain begin + Their ride along the embannered street; + With golden charms for men to kiss + A-swing from wrist and bridle-rein, + The brethren Pride and Avarice, + The monarchs of the world again. + + If this thing be and no new world + Rise from the old dead world beneath, + Then morning's chaplet seven-pearled + Is made the bauble-crest of death; + All dreams belied, all vows made void, + Pale Hope a wingless fugitive, + And man a stumbling anthropoid-- + Can these things be if England live? + + If England live, the anarch tide + Shall lose itself among her waves, + And the grey earth be glorified + By the young blossom on her graves; + And by her grace no power shall part; + Fulfilment from the dreams that were, + If still the music of her heart + Be theirs who lived and died for her. + + D.M.S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DOVE AT SEA. + +BIRD OF PEACE. "EXCUSE ME, BUT IS THIS THE ARK?" + +MAN OF WAR. "DUNNO NOTHIN' ABOUT NO ARK; BUT WE'RE FOR ARK-ANGEL, IF +THAT'S ANY USE TO YOU."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +[Illustration: _Sultan Addison (his mind on the house famine)._ "TELL +ME THE STORY OF THE PALACE BUILT IN A SINGLE NIGHT."] + +_Monday, April 7th_.--The FIRST COMMISSIONER OF WORKS is determined +that there shall be no slack time in the furniture-removing industry. +To that end he is arranging that the business-premises in Kingsway +now being vacated by the Government shall be filled by the Commission +Internationale de Ravitaillement, that the Commission's old premises +shall then be occupied by the Air Ministry, and that the Hotel Cecil +shall then be restored to its original owners--unless, of course, it +should be wanted by the Department lately housed in Kingsway. "Musical +chairs," muttered Colonel WEDGWOOD. + +That was not the hon. and gallant Member's only contribution to the +gaiety of the proceedings. He essayed to move the adjournment in order +to discuss the situation of our troops in Russia, but was reminded +that there was already a motion on the Order Paper dealing with that +subject and standing in his own name. An attempt to perform the +difficult manoeuvre of getting out of his own light was frustrated by +the SPEAKER, who, to the argument that the motion on the Paper +dealt with a wider subject, replied "_Majus in se minus continet_." +Overwhelmed by this display of erudition, the victim murmured "_Der +Tag!_" and collapsed. + +In moving the Second Reading of the Housing Bill Dr. ADDISON thought +it necessary to disclaim any intention of posing as "an Oriental +potentate," modestly adding, "I do not look the part." He has, +however, one characteristic of the Eastern ruler, namely, a delight in +long stories. It took him two hours to tell the House in melancholy +monotone all about the defects of our present system and his proposals +for removing them. Unfortunately he has not the Oriental gift of +transforming slums into palaces in a single night, but hopes to +produce a similar effect by treating the local authorities with a +judicious mixture of subsidies and ginger. + +_Tuesday, April 8th_.--Congratulations to Lord ASKWITH on taking his +seat in the House of Lords and condolences (in advance) to those +foreign journals which will inevitably announce that the ex-PRIME +MINISTER has overcome his objections to taking a peerage. + +Lord BUCKMASTER'S futile attempt to resist the passage of the Military +Service Bill was chiefly remarkable for his epigrammatic description +of the present SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR--"a man of great capacity, a +man of most restless and versatile energy and unconquerable will, +and of the most vivid and most illimitable and elusive vision of +any politician of recent time." Several public schoolmasters, I +understand, have already noted its possibilities as a suitable extract +for translation into Tacitean Latin. + +Lord CURZON hastened to assure Lord BUCKMASTER that, though deprived +of his co-operation, the present Cabinet thought itself equal +to coping with Mr. CHURCHILL. As for the Bill, there were still +storm-clouds over Europe that might break at any moment; and every +threatened nationality was uttering the same cry, "Send us British +troops." Although we could not respond to all these appeals, we must +have the power to give aid when the circumstances required it. + +Some of our warriors are already experiencing the horrors of peace. +Mr. CHURCHILL has promised searching inquiry into the case of the +officer who sent a hundred-word telegram--at Government expense--about +a dog; and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, on his attention being called to the +forty-three motorcars still in use by the War Office, gave an answer +which implied an impending slump in joy-rides. + +Sir MARTIN CONWAY'S anxiety that an "archaeologically-qualified +official" should be entrusted with the duty of protecting the ancient +monuments of Mesopotamia was relieved by Mr. FISHER. Such an official +had already been sent out--not from the War Office, where all the +"archaeologically qualified" are presumably too busy--but from the +British Museum. Part of his work had been kindly done for him by the +German scientists, who had collected ninety cases of specimens, now in +our hands. The removal of bricks or other antiquities had long been +forbidden--rather a blow to Dr. ADDISON, who in the present shortage +of building material is very envious of the new Bavarian Government +with a bricklayer at its head. + +_Wednesday, April 9th_.--In the Commons Dr. MACNAMARA announced that +the Admiralty did not propose to perpetuate the title "Grand Fleet" +for the principal squadron of His Majesty's Navy. The Grand Fleet is +now a part of the history that it did so much to make. + +On the Third Reading of the Ministry of Health Bill Mr. J.H. THOMAS +made a rather ungracious allusion to the Local Government Board. _De +moribundis nil nisi bonum_ should have been his motto, especially as +the old Department has done splendid work (and never better than in +recent times under Sir HORACE MONRO) for the health and comfort of His +Majesty's lieges. + +If words were as effective as bullets the Bolshevist Government in +Russia would have but a brief existence. The rumour that LENIN had +made overtures to the Allies moved Mr. CLEM EDWARDS to a display of +virtuous vituperation that Mr. BOTTOMLEY found difficult to equal, +though he did his best. Even Colonel WEDGWOOD, though he evidently +thinks we ought to make peace with LENIN, indignantly repudiated the +suggestion that he himself is a Bolshevist. Towards the close of the +evening the HOME SECRETARY declared that no proposals from LENIN had +reached our delegates in Paris--a statement which, if made a few hours +earlier, would have rendered the debate superfluous. In his opinion +the proposals, whatever they may be, had been "made in Germany" and +should be excluded as goods of enemy origin. His statement that he was +deporting Bolshevists every day was satisfactory so far as it went, +but left the House wondering how they had been permitted to get here. + +_Thursday, April 10th_.--The House does not feel quite the same +without its BONAR, who has once more flown off to Paris. Question +after Question was "postponed" for his return. We were informed, +however, that the delay in releasing Charles the First from internment +was due to the necessity of repairing sundry damages to his fabric, +due, I understand, not to Zeppelins or Gothas, but to the corroding +tooth of Time. + +Several Questions regarding an explosive magazine at Dinas Mawddwy +have lately been addressed to the Ministry of Munitions. Hitherto +they have received rather cryptic replies, no one in the Department +apparently being prepared to pronounce the name. But this afternoon +Mr. HOPE, after a few preliminary sentences to get his voice into +condition, boldly blurted out, "Dinnus Mouthwy," and received the +tribute which the House always pays to true courage. + +[Illustration: MODIFIED MOTOR FACILITIES. + +STAFF-OFFICERS PASSING THROUGH WHITEHALL ON THEIR WAY TO LUNCHEON.] + +The LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION, hitherto a dual personality, is now +three single gentlemen rolled into one. Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT has +accepted the leadership of a new Liberal Party, and with Colonel +GODFREY COLLINS and Mr. ALBION RICHARDSON as his attendant Whips, duly +took his seat upon the Front Bench. Someone challenged the intrusion +of non-Privy Councillors into that sacred precinct. But the SPEAKER +dismissed the objection with the remark, "There is more room upon +that bench than on any other, you know." It is expected that, in +contradistinction to the "Wee Frees," the new Party will be known as +the "Auld Lichts." + + * * * * * + + "It is impossible to plough on account of the large number of + unexploded shells and bombs buried in the soil. These are now + being employed by the Engineers."--_Evening Paper_. + +We trust they will manage to avoid the traditional fate of the +engineer. + + * * * * * + +UNEMPLOYMENT NOTES. + +Government unemployees at present engaged in drawing their weekly +donation are requested to call at the Labour Exchange every day at 10 +A.M. Morning dress. + +It is not permissible for applicants to send their wives, valets or +chauffeurs to represent them. + +Smoking is not prohibited, but applicants are requested not to offer +tobacco, cigarettes or cigars to the officials. + +Arrangements are to be made to provide entertainment by means of +concert parties and motor-trips; also newspapers and periodicals, in +which, to avoid annoyance, the "Situations Vacant" column has been +blacked out. + +It is desirable that applicants should not wear fur coats. The present +fashion does not go beyond a grey tweed lounge suit, with white spats +and velours hat. + +A limited number of openings are offered to any who care to act as +batmen to unemployed munition-workers. + +A doctor is in future to be kept at every Labour Exchange to render +first-aid to those who should be offered a situation. + +Applicants are requested not to tease the officials. + + + * * * * * + +JARGON. + +From a speech at a Medical conference:-- + + "He was ashamed of the term 'shell-shock.' It was a bad word, and + should be wiped out of the vocabulary of every scientific man. + It was really molecular abnormality of the nervous system, + characterised by abnormal reactions to ordinary stimuli."--_Daily + Paper_. + +We must try to remember this. + + * * * * * + +A MODEST ESTIMATE. + +From a publisher's advertisement:-- + + "Baroness Orczy has laid the world under a fresh debt of + gratitude. 7/- net."--"_Times" Literary Supplement_. + + * * * * * + + "The question one could naturally put is, 'Has the + millennium arrived, when the lion and the lamb shall lay + together?'"--_Monthly Paper_. + +Let's hope, at all events, that the produce won't be a cockatrice's +egg. + + * * * * * + + "This is the anniversary of the death of Robert Southey in 1843. + Perhaps his most celebrated poem is the delightful 'Ode to a + Skylark,' the beginning of which 'Hail to thee, blithe spirit,' is + known to every school child."--_New York Evening Journal_. + +It seems that Truth still stands in need of propaganda in America. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Amateur Photographer (on a conducted tour in +France)._"CHARMING SPOT; BUT RATHER DISAPPOINTING. I _QUITE_ HOPED IT +WOULD HAVE BEEN ALL SMASHED UP."] + + * * * * * + +FINANCIAL INTELLIGENCE. + +The decision of _The Westminster Gazette_ to return to its old figure +of a penny must not be taken as a sign that prices generally are +coming down. On the contrary there is every indication that they are +rising and will still rise, as the following symptomatic scraps of +news, gathered from all parts of the country, go to prove:-- + +The First Commissioner of Oaths states that "twopenny damns" will, +until further notice, be eight-pence each. + + * * * * * + +A schoolmaster in Birmingham who propounded the old question about +a herring and a half costing three half-pence has been put under +restraint as a dangerous lunatic. + + * * * * * + +If the information that reaches us from a little bird is correct, a +boycott of sparrows is in progress, owing to their inveterate habit of +saying, "Cheep! Cheep!" + + * * * * * + +Mr. HEINEMANN announces that, as a concession to modern +susceptibilities, he has decided to alter the title of Mr. +HERGESHEIMER'S successful novel, _The Three Black Pennys_ to _The +Three Black Half-crowns._ + + * * * * * + +All guinea-pigs and guinea-fowls will from the present date onwards be +two guineas. + + * * * * * + +In the best profiteering circles cigars are now lighted with spills +made of one-pound, notes, instead of, as during the war, ten-shilling +ones. + + * * * * * + +A well-known orchestral leader states that there is a serious movement +afoot to popularise "The Dear Home Land" as an encore for the National +Anthem. + + * * * * * + +The legal profession has long been concerned by the fact that lawyers' +fees remain so fixed in a world given over to flux. It has now been +decided that, although the fees shall remain the same, less value +shall be given. For six-and-eightpence a solicitor will in future give +only half his attention, by listening with only one ear. + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + + "EGGS FOR SALE. + + "Why go out of ---- to be swindled? Come to the ---- Poultry Farm." + + * * * * * + + "IN MY GARDEN. + + "April 4.--Now is a suitable time to saw sweet peas."--_Daily + Mirror._ + +When the stalks are very strong we always use an axe. + + * * * * * + +L'ALLEGRO. + + Haste thee, Peace, and bring with thee + Food and old festivity, + Bread and sugar white as snow, + The bacon that we used to know, + Apples cheap, and eggs and meat, + Dainty cakes with icing sweet, + And in thy right hand lead with thee + The mountain nymph (not much U.P.). + Come, and sip it as you go, + And let my not-too-gouty toe + Join the dance with them and thee + In sweet unrationed revelry; + While the grocer, free of care, + Bustles blithe and debonair, + And the milkman lilts his lay, + And the butcher beams all day, + And every warrior tells his tale + Over the spicy nut-brown ale. + Peace, if thou canst really bring + These delights, _do_ haste, old thing. + + * * * * * + + "WINTER SPORTS IN FRANCE.--Sledges were constructed out of + empty ration-boxes, whilst the old flappers used for dispersing + poison-gas from dug-outs did duty as snow-shoes."--_Daily Paper_. + +The young flappers were no doubt better engaged. + + * * * * * + +PINK GEORGETTE. + +Joyce, at breakfast that morning, had announced firmly that if I +really loved her I would take the pattern up to town with me and "see +what I could do." What she failed to realise was that, if I ventured +alone into the midst of so intimately feminine a world as Bibby and +Renns' for the purpose of matching stuff called Pink Georgette, I +should become practically incapable of doing anything at all. + +The only redeeming feature about the whole nerve-racking business was +that he found me as soon as he did. + +"Good afternoon, Sir," he said in a most ingratiating voice. "What can +we have the pleasure of showing you, Sir?" + +He was tall and handsome, with a perfectly waxed moustache and a +faultless frock-coat. He bowed before me with a sort of solicitous +curve to his broad shoulders, and the way he massaged one hand with +the other had a highly soothing effect. + +"Pink georgette, Sir? Certainly, Sir." To my inexpressible relief he +seemed to consider it the most likely request in the world. + +A moment before I had been drifting hopelessly, in a state of most +acute self-consciousness. But with him to guide me I set off quite +boldly. + +At what proved to be exactly the right spot he paused. + +"Miss Robinson," he called; "pink georgette." + +With a polite introductory wave of the hand he motioned me towards +the lady. He hovered about, near by, whilst I opened the bit of +tissue-paper containing the pattern and murmured my needs to Miss +Robinson. His very presence gave me confidence. + +When it was all over he came up and led me away. As we emerged into +the stronger light near the door I peered at him closely. Then I +touched him on the arm and beckoned him behind a couple of Paris +models. + +I took hold of his hand and wrung it fervently. + +"Sergeant Steel," I said, "you always _did_ have the knack of being in +exactly the right spot at the right moment. I haven't set eyes on you +since that very hot day in '16, when you brought up the remnants of 14 +platoon and pulled me out of that tight corner at Guillemont. That +was a valuable bit of work, Sergeant, but nothing to this--simply +nothing!" + +The solicitous curve had straightened out from his broad shoulders. +His hands had ceased their soothing massage. His heels were together, +his arms glued to his sides, his eyes glaring at a fixed point +directly over the top of my head. + +"Thought it was you, Sir, as soon as I saw you. But of course I wasn't +going to say anything till you did." It was not the ingratiating +voice now, but that rasping half-whisper he always used for nocturnal +conferences in the front line. "Never heard anything of you, Sir, +since you went down with a Blighty after Guillemont. Beg your pardon, +Sir, but you looked a bit windy as you came in just now, so I thought +I'd keep in support.... Yes, Sir, got my ticket last month--only been +back on my old job a fortnight." + +I tapped the parcel that Miss Robinson's own fair hands had made up +for me. + +"This a good issue, Sergeant?" I said. "Sound and reliable and all +that?" + +"Couldn't be better, Sir. I had my eye on her. We only drew it +ourselves lately. That's the stuff to give 'em. You can safely carry +on with that, Sir ... a perfect match ... exquisite blending of colour +... those art shades are to be very fashionable this season, I assure +you, Sir." + +Imperceptibly his hands had resumed their massage, the solicitous +curve had returned to his broad shoulders, his voice was ingratiating +again. + +"We have a large range of all the daintiest materials. I believe our +charmeuse, ninons and crêpe-de-Chines to be unrivalled in town, Sir. +A little damp under foot to-day, Sir, but warmer, I think--distinctly +warmer. Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir, _Good_ day, Sir." + +And Sergeant Steel (D.C.M. and four chevrons) bowed me into the +street. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I DON'T THINK I CARE ABOUT THAT ONE. IT MAKES ME LOOK +LIKE ONE OF THESE 'ERE SPANISH DANCERS."] + + * * * * * + +LITERARY GOSSIP. + +MR. WELLS has a new volume of collected Prefaces coming out this week, +with an Introduction and an Epilogue by Sir HARRY JOHNSTON. It will be +remembered that in _Joan and Peter_, a comparatively early work of +Mr. WELLS--it was published, if our memory serves us, before the +Armistice--handsome acknowledgment was made of Sir HARRY JOHNSTON'S +administrative ability and high aims; and it is pleasant to know that +in the long interval that has elapsed nothing has occurred to modify +their mutual admiration. + + * * * * * + +The firm of Black and Green will shortly publish Lord DYSART'S +monumental monograph on _China Tea: the Universal Antidote._ Lord +DYSART establishes the remarkable fact that the word "dyspepsia" was +practically unknown until the introduction of Indian and Ceylon tea. +Mr. WELLS, who contributes an illuminating Preface, points out that +the troubles of Russia are entirely due to the cutting off of the +supplies of caravan tea from China (the leading Bolshevists prefer +vodka to tea in any form) and the consequent recourse to inferior +synthetic substitutes. The rival merits of cream, milk and lemon are +carefully discussed both from the gustatory and hygienic standpoint, +Mr. WELLS pronouncing in favour of lemon, in which idiosyncrasy +he resembles Mr. CONRAD and Mr. GALSWORTHY. The volume is richly +illustrated with pictures of rare tea-pots, tea-caddies and samovars, +and contains a set of humorous verses dedicated to the author by Mr. +T. LEIF JONES. + + * * * * * + +The Right Hon. REGINALD MCKENNA'S new book, _The Proud Podsnaps_, +will be his first novel, and we hear it is to be humorous. His +distinguished relative, Mr. STEPHEN MCKENNA, Mr. WELLS and Mr. HERBERT +JENKINS have all written encouraging Prefaces to it; and Master +ANTHONY ASQUITH has added two essays on commercial aviation and a +couple of brilliant caricatures of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE and Mr. WINSTON +CHURCHILL. + + * * * * * + +Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE'S _Life of the Kaiser_ is already far advanced, but +he has laid it on one side in order to collaborate with Sir ARTHUR +CONAN DOYLE in the authoritative biography of Sir OLIVER LODGE. It +is understood that of the chapters dealing with the physiognomy +and phrenological aspect of the subject Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE will be +exclusively responsible for those on the frontal regions of Sir +OLIVER'S cranium, while Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE will devote himself to +the occipital Hinterland. In this way it is hoped that the whole +area, which is enormous, will be adequately covered. The book will be +published by Messrs. Odder and Odder at 10s. 6d.; but a limited +number of copies, with special tambourine and planchette attachments, +will be available at £2 2s. + + * * * * * + +To the list of biographies of the PRIME MINISTER already published or +in contemplation there remains to be added one by an author who veils +his identity under the pseudonym of "Mount Carmel." It will bear the +title, _Lloyd George_--_Saint or Dragon_? and will be prefaced by an +introduction by Mr. Stickham Weed, in which that eminent publicist +discusses the antagonism of the Celtic temperament to Jugo-Slav +ideals. The book will be published at Fontainebleau. + + * * * * * + +The new Cardiff firm of Jenkins and Jones announce a novel from the +pen of Mr. Caradoc Blodwen, who had to fly from his native village +last year owing to the realistic picture he gave of local life in _The +Home of the Squinting Widows_. It is to be called _Taffy was a Thief_; +and those who have had the privilege of seeing early copies of the +book, which Mr. Blodwen wrote during his seclusion amongst the Hairy +Ainus, describe it as lurid in the extreme. + + * * * * * + +Mr. Cuthbert Skrimshanks's new novel is being looked forward to +expectantly by those who admire the vital and distinguished artistry +of his work. The author, it will be remembered, was employed in a firm +of ginger-beer bottlers before he took to literature, and Mr. WELLS, +who contributes a Preface, dwells happily on the stimulating and +phosphorescent quality which his literary work owes to his employment, +and contrasts it favourably with the flatness of Eton "Pop." + + * * * * * + +Yet another Shakspearean volume, which promises to be of engrossing +interest, has been written by Lord BLEDISLOE. It is to be called +_Bacon and Hamlet_, and Sir THOMAS LIPTON has contributed an +Introduction, in which the organisation of the food supply in the +Elizabethan age is exhaustively described. This exhaustive work, which +is dedicated to General STORRS, the Governor of Jerusalem, will be +published by Messrs. FORTNUM and MASON. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Nurse (reproachfully)._ "WHO DIDN'T FOLD UP HIS +TROUSERS WHEN HE WENT TO BED?" + +_Tony_. "I KNOW. ADAM. I CAN ALWAYS GUESS THESE SUNDAY RIDDLES."] + + * * * * * + +"C'EST LA GUERRE." + +A brace of chemists' labels:-- + + This preparation is issued in amber glass pots, as a War Emergency + Measure, when white glass is not available owing to shortage." + + "War Bottle. Amber glass is not obtainable just now, so we have to + use white glass. May we ask you to grant us your kind indulgence + under the circumstances?" + + * * * * * + + "A bullet fired at a pig from a humane killer, struck the wall + of a Merthyr Tydvil slaughterhouse, ricochetted and wounded a + butcher's manager."--_Daily Paper_. + +The victim regards the name of the instrument as most inept. + + * * * * * + + "Lord Salvesen, the presiding judge, arrived in Aberdeen on Monday + night, and gave a winner in the Palace Hotel."--_Sunday Paper_. + +We hope to meet him in London before the Derby. + + * * * * * + +POLLY. + +_(With acknowledgments to Mr. KIPLING.)_ + + I went into a private 'ouse to get a place as cook; + The lady ups an' greets me with a most angelic look: + "I've just been makin' tea," she sez, "I 'opes as you will try + These little scones wot I 'ave baked;" and to myself sez I: + "It was Polly this, an' Polly that, an' 'Polly, scrub the + floor,' + But it's 'If you please, Miss Perkins,' since we won the + bloomin' War; + We won the bloomin' War, my girls, we won the bloomin' War, + It's 'If you please, Miss Perkins,' since we won the + bloomin' War." + + The lady she was out to please; we talked about the weather, + An' when the tea was done we smoked a cigarette together, + An' then we talked o' jazzin' an' the BILLIE CARLETON case, + An' so we come in course o' time to talkin' o' the place. + + "You won't mind cookin' lunch?" sez she. Sez I, "Without a doubt, + On Toosdays an' on Fridays, which they ain't my 'alf-days out; + An' dinner, too, I'll manage"--'ere the lady give a grin-- + "On Mondays an' on Thursdays, which they 'll be my evenings in." + + "An' wot about the breakfast?" "Don't you worry, mum," sez I, + "I'm willin' to oblige you every single blessed dye, + Bar Sundays, when my young man comes; 'e's such a bloomin' toff, + 'E takes me up the river, so I takes the 'ole day off." + + "That's excellent," the lady sez, "I'll easy do the rest, + So if you come, Miss Perkins, you will be our honoured guest, + For Mr. Vere de Vere an' I do all we can an' more + To please the splendid women wot 'ave bin an' won the War." + + Well, seein' as the lady seemed to 'ave the proper view, + I took the situation an' I 'opes as it will do. + Of course there may be drawbacks, but you can't get _all_ you wish, + For aprons ain't quite overalls an' cookin' ain't munish. + It was Polly this, an' Polly that, an' "Ugh! the mutton's red;" + But it's "_Won't_ you come, Miss Perkins?" now we're paid to + stay in bed; + An' it's Polly this, an' Polly that, an' anythink you please; + An' Polly ain't a bloomin' fool--you bet that Polly sees! + + * * * * * + +"LES BEAUX ESPRITS SE RENCONTRENT." + + "Persons expressing unpopular views (by which I mean views opposed + to such patriots as Horatio Bottomley, Colonel Lowther, and + our own hon. and gallant member of Parliament, et hog genus + omne)."--_Letter in "The Daily News_." + + "There have been more pig posts than there have been big men able + to fill them.--Mr. Bonar Law."--_Bristol Times and Mirror_. + + * * * * * + +From an article on the Zeebrugge exploit:-- + + "An on-shore wind was needed to carry the fog-screen in advance + of the blockships. Absence of fog was essential. A fog would be + beneficial. These desiderata postulated a concurrence of + favourable conditions, and on April 23 they were not all + present."--_Cologne Post_. + +We gather that the Censor, shortly to be demobilised at home, still +maintains his watch on the Rhine. + + * * * * * + +CRITICISM IN EXCELSIS. + +There was a good deal of excitement in the Elysian Fields when the +news went round that the Committee had exercised their power of +electing a certain distinguished Shade to full membership of the +Asphodel Club without a ballot. The general opinion seemed to be that +the Committee had acted wisely, and that the election was in every way +justified. A few members, however, expressed disapproval, not so +much on account of any demerits of his own as of the effect that his +election might produce on the sensitive minds of some who were already +members. + +"This Dr. SAMUEL JOHNSON," said one who had been busy in canvassing +opinions, "is fully qualified for membership, but I fear he may have a +deleterious effect on JOHN MILTON and THOMAS GRAY. Did he not roughly +criticise them in his _Lives of the Poets_, and do you think that +MILTON is one who will sit down tamely under the affront? MILTON has +been for years and is still one of our most distinguished members. +Indeed, he has almost the standing amongst us of a highly-respected +Bishop. He uses the Club a great deal, and I fear his comfort will be +much reduced by the admission of one who regards his poetry with a +hostile eye." + +"In what way," said another, "has the denouncer of SALMASIUS become +entitled to complain of rough attacks? Nor has his character been +assailed. In that he remains episcopal. Only in his poetry is he made +to suffer." + +"But he is made to suffer pretty heavily," said a third. "Hear what +JOHNSON said with regard to our friend's _Lycidas_:-- + +"'One of the poems on which much praise has been bestowed is +_Lycidas_; of which the diction is harsh, the rhymes uncertain and the +numbers unpleasing. What beauty there is we must therefore seek in the +sentiments and images. It is not to be considered as the effusion of +real passion; for passion runs not after remote allusions and obscure +opinions. Passion plucks no berries from the myrtle and ivy, nor calls +upon Arethuse and Mincius, nor tells of rough _satyrs_ and _fauns +with cloven heel_. Where there is leisure for fiction there is little +grief. + +"'In this poem there is no nature for there is no truth; there is no +art for there is nothing new. Its form is that of a pastoral: easy, +vulgar and therefore disgusting.' + +"Do you call that criticism?" + +"Ah, but listen," said another and much agitated Shade, "to what he +says of our respected THOMAS GRAY. The Committee must have forgotten +how it goes:-- + +"These odes are marked by glittering accumulation of ungraceful +ornaments; they strike rather than please; the images are magnified by +affectation, the language is laboured into harshness. The mind of the +writer seems to work with unnatural violence. _Double, double, toil +and trouble_. He has a kind of strutting dignity and is tall by +walking on tiptoe." + +The agitated Shade was about to proceed further with his protest when +a sound of cheering stopped him. And lo and behold! an approving +throng was circling round the new member, and in the thick of it were +JOHN MILTON and THOMAS GRAY. + + * * * * * + +"FOR THIS RELIEF," ETC. + +From a Girl Guides' report:-- + + "The thanks of the Association are due to the following ladies who + have resigned...." + + * * * * * + + "Sir George Newman and Mr. Philip Snowden have resigned their + membership of the Central Control Board" (Liquor Traffic). + + "Caruso has sung at 550 performances."--_Evening Paper_. + +All the same, there seems to have been a lack of harmony. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady (who has called on two successive Wednesdays, the +fourth and fifth of the month, and has been told each time that Lady +Smith-Robinson is not at home)._ "BUT I THOUGHT HER LADYSHIP WAS AT +HOME ON ALTERNATE WEDNESDAYS?" + +_Parlourmaid (with dignity)._ "NO, MADAM. HER LADYSHIP IS AT HOME ON +THE FIRST AND THIRD WEDNESDAYS IN THE MONTH; BUT WHEN THERE IS A FIFTH +WEDNESDAY THAT IS TO _OUR_ ADVANTAGE."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_ + +_My War Experiences in Two Continents_ (MURRAY) is made up of the +diary and letters of Miss MACNAUGHTAN, written during her search for +work that might help in the great Task. The book, it is sad to say, +must serve as her memorial to those many whom she has amused by her +bright and wholesome stories. Worn out by labours and quests beyond +her strength she fell sick at Teheran in 1916 and returned to England +to die. In 1914 she had done fine service with her soup-kitchen in +Flanders, where her energy and almost too tender sympathy had full +scope and the reward of good work accomplished. She seemed also to be +happy in her lecture tour on her return to England, trying to arouse +the sluggish-minded to a sense of the gravity of the business. But +in her Russian and Persian adventure it is clear that she was deeply +disappointed at feeling herself unwanted and useless in a region +of waste and muddle. It is probable that for all her courage and +unselfish devotion she was too sensitive to the suffering she +encountered ever to attain the routine indifference which makes work +among such horrors possible. Her deep religious convictions aggravated +rather than eased that suffering. She was honestly old-fashioned and +never took quite kindly to the khaki-breeched free-spoken young women +of the subsidiary war services, had a hatred of muddle and was a +little severe on men, though acknowledging that "young men are the +kindest members of the human race." True this, I should say, who am no +longer young. "The war is fine, _fine_, FINE, though I don't get near +the fineness except in the pages of _Punch_." Charming of her to say +that. + + * * * * * + +The heroine of _Miss Fingal_ (BLACKWOOD) is called by her publishers +"a woman whose distinguishing trait is femininity," to which they add, +with obvious truth, "a refreshing creation in these days." Really, +in this one phrase Messrs. BLACKWOOD have covered the ground so +comprehensively that I have little more to do than subscribe my +signature. To fill in details, Mrs. W.K. CLIFFORD'S latest is a +quietly sympathetic tale about a lonely gentlewoman (this you can take +either as one or two words) rescued from a life of penury by the +will of a rich uncle, transferred from her tiny flat in Battersea to +Bedford Square and a country cottage, expanding in prosperity, and +generally proving the old adage that where there's a will there's a +way, indeed several ways, of spending the result agreeably. As I have +said, it is all the gentlest little comedy of happiness, not specially +exciting perhaps. I find it characteristic of Mrs. CLIFFORD'S method +that the only at all violent incident, a railway smash, happens +discreetly out of sight, and does no more than provide its victim +with an enjoyable convalescence, and the attentive reader with the +suggestion of a psychological problem that is both unnecessary and +unconvincing. The best of the tale is its picture of _Miss Fingal_ +herself, rescued from premature decay and gradually recovering her +youth under the stimulus of new interests and opportunities. Whether +the now rather too familiar _Kaiser-ex-machina_ solution was needed in +order to rid the stage of a superfluous character is open to question; +but at all events it leaves _Miss Fingal_ happy in companionship and +assured of the success that waits upon a satisfactory finish. + + * * * * * + +"How can I"--I seem to hear the author of _Elizabeth and Her German +Garden_ communing with herself--"how can I write a story, with all +my necessary Teutonic ingredients in it, which shall be popular even +during the War?" And then I seem to see the satisfaction with which +she hit upon the solution of inventing pretty twin girls of seventeen, +an age which permits remarks with a sting in them to be uttered +apparently in innocence and yet is marriageable or, at any rate, +engageable; making them orphans; giving them a German father and +an English mother, and very mixed sympathies, in which England +predominates; and sending them to America to pass its novelty under +their candid European eyes. Much of the satisfaction which her scheme +must have given to the authoress of _Christopher and Columbus_ +(MACMILLAN) is shared by its readers, although the feeling that it has +been made to order to fit a difficult market is never absent. For much +of the dialogue, and often when most amusing, does not ring true, +and we are occasionally asked to believe that the twins could be far +slower in the uptake than at other, and less inconvenient, times they +show themselves to be. But the book is another sufficing proof that +the male sex has no monopoly of humour. + + * * * * * + +Mr. CHRISTOPHER CULLEY, in his rather superfluous and petulant preface +to _Billy McCoy_ (CASSELL), observes that such reviewers as "may find +time to skip through its pages" will probably call it a Romance. Well, +skipping or not, here is one reviewer who will not disappoint him. +A story of a hero who adventures into sinister places, disregards +repeated warnings to "go back ere it is too late" (or the American for +that entrancing formula), meets there a Distressed Damsel and kisses +her as introduction, and finally, after an infinity of perils, is +left with the D.D. as his B.B., or blushing bride--this I state +emphatically to be not only Romance, but a most excellent brand of +that article. What however Mr. CULLEY seems most to fear is that we +shall think that _McCoy_ himself and the whole setting (New Mexican +scenes) are all make-believe. He need have had no such alarm in my +case. I have, I remember, already commented on the admirable reality +of his cowboys, as exemplified in the hero of a previous story. +_Billy_, if just a little less convincing, is in many ways a worthy +companion. But Mr. CULLEY'S heroines always strike me as inferior to +his men. They have the air of hanging about in corners of the tale, +and generally of being rather a nuisance than a delight to their +creator. But the heroine of _Billy McCoy_ makes hardly a pretence +of being other than a lay figure; without her it would be just as +entertaining and exciting, if perhaps less completely furnished for +Romance. + + * * * * * + +While reading _"Q" Boat Adventures_ (JENKINS) I kept on telling myself +that it ought to be read in small doses if the greatest enjoyment +was to be got from it; but all the same I could not let it out of my +hands. "The 'Q' boat," says Lieutenant-Commander AUTEN, V.C., "was a +'stunt' possible only to a nation of sailors. Officers might be found +for 'Q' boats in any country with a seaboard; but men--no;" and I +imagine that few Englishmen will be found to deny this statement. +Elizabethan days for all their spaciousness contained nothing more +incredibly brave than the exploits of these decoy boats, exploits +which could only be carried out if absolutely every man taking part in +them played his rôle to perfection. And it cannot be too widely noted +that after the Huns had become suspicious the "Q" boat had to invite +a torpedo as a preliminary to real business. Officers and men alike +deserve all the gratitude their nation can give them, not only for +their courage in action, but also for their patience when spending +dreary months without getting to grips with the enemy. Few things are +more demoralizing than to wait to be attacked and to find no one kind +enough to accommodate you; but even during all these long periods +of inaction the discipline and keenness of the "Q" boat crews never +relaxed. Lieut.-Commander AUTEN has done a great service in telling us +of these astounding achievements and of the infinite difficulties in +the way of their successful accomplishment. We may be a nation of +short memories, but it is impossible to believe that our "Q" boats +will ever be forgotten. + + * * * * * + +Anything more Pettridgian than _The Bustling Hours_ (METHUEN) cannot +be conceived and cannot certainly be written. That means that Mr. PETT +RIDGE'S latest book will be heartily welcomed and thoroughly enjoyed +by the large circle of his readers. Mr. PETT RIDGE is as good as a +tonic in these depressing days, and without any effort he keeps at a +high level of sane cheerfulness. His heroine is a certain _Dorothy +Gainsford_, who has the gift of turning up at exactly the right moment +and of getting exactly the right thing done, or more often of doing it +herself. She really is a marvel and the last word in efficiency. There +is only one thing at which I hint a doubt or hesitate dislike. She +takes a banjo with her to a picnic on the Upper Thames. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Professor (who has inadvertently pulled the +shower-bath handle)._ "TYPICAL APRIL WEATHER!"] + + * * * * * + + There was a young man who said, "How, + With the minimum sweat of my brow, + Can I find jobs to do + For a maximum screw?" + So they said to him, "Why not try Slough?" + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11732 *** diff --git a/11732-h/11732-h.htm b/11732-h/11732-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..474eea3 --- /dev/null +++ b/11732-h/11732-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1850 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, April 16, 1919, by Various</title> +<style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + .center + {text-align: center; } + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> +/*]]>*/ +</style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11732 ***</div> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, +April 16, 1919, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen</h1> +<br /> +<br /> +<center><b>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</b></center> +<br /> +<br /> +<hr class="full" /> +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> +<h2>Vol. 156.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>April 16, 1919.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page293" id="page293"></a>[pg +293]</span> +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> +<p>We understand that a proposal to send a relief party to America +to rescue Scotsmen from the threatened Prohibition law is under +consideration.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It is rumoured that <i>The Times</i> is about to announce that +it does not hold itself responsible for editorial opinions +expressed in its own columns.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A correspondent, complaining of the tiny flats in London, states +that he is a trombone-player, and every time he wants to get the +lowest note he has to go out on to the landing.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In Essex Street, Shoreditch—so Dr. ADDISON explained to +the House of Commons—there are seven hundred and thirty-three +people in twenty-nine houses. A correspondent writes that a single +house in the neighbourhood of Big Ben contains seven hundred and +seven persons, many of them incapable, and that nothing is being +done about it.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"The Original Dixie Land Jazz Band has arrived in London," says +an evening paper. We are grateful for the warning.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Over two hundred season-ticket-holders live within a mile radius +at Southend. We suppose there must be some attraction at Southend +to explain why so many season-ticket-holders live there.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>We are pleased to be able to throw some light on the mystery of +the Russian who was not shot in Petrograd last week. It appears +that he ducked his head.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>We await confirmation of the report that an American has offered +to defray the cost of the War if the authorities will name it after +him.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The Surplus Government Property Disposal Board is making a +special offer of eighteen-pounder guns to golf clubs. For a long +shot out of a bad lie the superiority of the eighteen-pounder over +the Sammie cleek is conceded by all the best golfers.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Westgate-on-Sea has decided to abolish bathing-machines. In +future visitors desiring to bathe will have to do it by hand.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Mr. KELLAWAY informed the House of Commons the other day that +the War Office has forty million yards of surplus aeroplane linen. +It seems inevitable that some of it will have to be washed in +public.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A woman aged twenty-six, mother of five children, told the Old +Street police magistrate that she could not read. How she managed +to have five children without being able to read the Defence of the +Realm Regulations is regarded by the authorities as a mystery.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>At the Royal Drawing Society's exhibition there is a picture +painted by a child of two. Pictures by older artists, with all the +appearances of having been painted by children of this unripe age, +are, of course, no novelty.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Whitehall Wakes Up," says <i>The Evening News</i>. An indignant +denial of this charge is hourly expected.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Northumberland man last week declined to draw his unemployment +pay on the ground that he was not actually wanting it. His +workmates put it down to the alleged fact that a careless nurse had +let him fall out of the perambulator on to his head.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Unless Russian women join the Bolshevist movement," says Herr +RADEK, "they will all be shot by order of Lenin." This confirms our +worst fears that these Russian revolutionaries are becoming rather +spiteful.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A new fire-engine has been provided for Aberavon. As a result of +this addition to their appliances the Aberavon Fire Brigade are now +able to consider a few additional fires.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A large rat with peculiar red markings on its back has recently +been seen at Woodvale, Isle of Wight. In consequence much alarm is +felt locally, as it is feared that this is an indication that the +rodents on the isle have embraced Bolshevism.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The correspondent who, as reported in these columns, noticed a +pair of labourers building within a stone's-throw of Catford +Bridge, now writes to say that a foundation stone has been +laid.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Philanthropists are warned against a beggar who is going about +saying that, when wounded in France, he was so full of bullets that +they took him back to the Base in an ammunition wagon instead of an +ambulance.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The reported decision of the Sinn Fein Executive, that policemen +shall only be shot at on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, has +definitely eased a situation which it was feared could only be +coped with by arresting the instigators of such crimes.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In a recent suit for alimony a wealthy New Yorker complained +that his wife used a diamond-studded watch for a golf tee. If she +had only wasted the money on a new ball he would never have +complained.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Experiments in rat-killing, says a news item, are being carried +out at the Zoo. At the time of writing the reticulated python is +said to be leading the whale-headed stork by a matter of three +rats.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href= +"images/293.png"><img width="100%" src="images/293.png" alt= +"'WHAT ON EARTH HAVE YOU BEEN DOING WITH YOURSELF?'" /> +</a> +<p><i>Husband (just arrived home).</i> "WHAT ON EARTH HAVE YOU BEEN +DOING WITH YOURSELF?"</p> +<p><i>Wife</i>, "ONLY THE COAL-MAN'S BEEN AT LAST, AND I SIMPLY +COULDN'T RESIST GIVING THE DEAR MAN A KISS!"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<p>From the report of a breach of promise case:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"The engagement came about through a chance meeting in Richmond +Park in the summer of 117."—<i>Daily Herald</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Despite the happy case of Jacob and Rachel, we never have +approved of these long engagements.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page294" id="page294"></a>[pg +294]</span> +<h3>A PAYING GAME.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>When Belgium lay beneath your heel</p> +<p class="i2">To prove the law that Might is Right,</p> +<p>And Innocence, without appeal,</p> +<p class="i2">Must serve your scheme of <i>Schrecklichkeit</i>,</p> +<p>"Justice," we said, "abides her day</p> +<p class="i2">And she shall set her balance true;</p> +<p>Methods like yours can never pay."</p> +<p class="i2">"Can't they?" you cried; "they can—and do!"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>And now full circle comes the wheel,</p> +<p class="i2">And, prone across the knees of Fate,</p> +<p>You are to hear, without appeal,</p> +<p class="i2">The final terms that we dictate;</p> +<p>And, when you whine (the German way)</p> +<p class="i2">On presentation of the bill:</p> +<p>"<i>Ach, Himmel!</i> we can never pay,"</p> +<p class="i2">"Can't you?" we'll cry; "you can—and will!"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>O.S.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>THE BRIGHTER SIDE OF PEACE.</h2> +<p>I'm not out of the Army yet, but lately I was home on leave. At +a time like that you don't really care about being demobilised just +yet. After all, to earn—or let us say to be +paid—several pounds for a fortnight's luxurious idleness is a +far, far better thing than to receive about the same number of +shillings for a like period of unremitting toil. There you have an +indication of the financial prospects of my civvy career. None the +less, to me in Blighty the future looked as rosy as a robin's +breast, and life was immensely satisfactory. I deemed that I was +capable of saying "Ha, ha" among the captains (though myself only +boasting two pips). Then one day, in the lane that leads to the +downs, I met Woggles.</p> +<p>I've known Woggles for years and years. Some time ago she became +a V.A.D. and began to drive an ambulance about France; since when I +had lost sight of her. I greeted her therefore with jubilation.</p> +<p>"Oh, Woggles," I cried, "this is a great occasion. How shall we +celebrate it?"</p> +<p>"Well, if you like I'll go back again on to the top with you and +show you the Weald. But I'd much rather you came home to tea. I +<i>could</i> make some 'Dog's Delight'—s'posing you haven't +outgrown such simple tastes."</p> +<p>"Oh, if you put it like that," I said cheerfully.</p> +<p>Well, it was a bitter sort of afternoon and growing late. The +annoyance of Bogie (an enthusiastic puppy) at missing his walk +might appropriately be solaced with portions of "Dog's Delight." +It's a large home-made bun thing which used to delight me as well +as Bogie's mother in days gone by.</p> +<p>"I ought to warn you," said Woggles as we walked across the +fields, "that Mother and Dad are out to-day. I expect your dog'll +have to take acting rank as chaperon."</p> +<p>"By the way," I said, "you don't know each other, do you?" I +called Bogie, who was giving a vivid imitation of a cavalry screen +protecting our advance, and made him sit up and pretend to be +begging. "Now fix your eyes on the kind lady," I commanded. +"Woggles—Bogie: Bogie—Woggles. Two very nice people." +Bogie barked, put out his tongue and let the wind blow his left ear +inside out. Woggles laughed in that excellent way she has.</p> +<p>At the Rectory she sang to me even better than she used to; the +"Delight" was an achievement, Bogie being most agreeably surprised; +there was a glow of firelight such as I love, and a vast +comfortable chair. I felt lazy and very happy.</p> +<p>"This tea idea of yours was simply an inspiration. I don't know +when I've been so pleased with myself and existence generally. At +the moment my <i>moral</i> is as high as Mount Everest."</p> +<p>"Yes, I noticed something like that," Woggles agreed. "More tea? +It's only about your fifth cup." Suddenly serious, she went on: "I +wonder—is there much to be happy about just now? Dad thinks +not; and so do I, rather. Do you want to talk about it, or would +you rather find faces in the fire?"</p> +<p>"Please I want to talk about it."</p> +<p>"Carry on then. Fortify yourself with that last bit of +'Delight.'"</p> +<p>In spite of this reinforcement I found it wasn't so very easy to +begin.</p> +<p>"Well," I said slowly, "I expect the foundation of my <i>joie de +vivre</i> is a great relief that the War's over. Lots of troops +celebrated that with song and dance and so forth on November 11th +and subsequent nights; I'm spreading it over a much longer time. In +a way it's like having a death sentence repealed, for millions of +us. Not the heroic spirit, is it?—but there you are."</p> +<p>"Of course everyone feels that," Woggles admitted. "Only now +that it <i>is</i> all over, aren't we sort of looking round and +counting the cost? Thinking that all this loss of life and +suffering hasn't made the world so very much better? Look at Russia +and our strikes. Doesn't Bolshevism worry you?" she asked.</p> +<p>"The fact is," I told her, "I believe I've evolved a philosophy +of life which nothing of that kind can seriously disturb—or I +hope not. It's very jolly to feel like that."</p> +<p>"It must be. May we have this philosophy, please? Perhaps you'll +make a disciple."</p> +<p>"It's an awfully simple one really, only I think people lose +sight of it so strangely. Just to realise the extraordinary +pleasure everyday things can give you—if you'll only let +them. You compree that?"</p> +<p>"It doesn't sound very convincing," Woggles objected. "Everyday +things! As for instance?"</p> +<p>"Oh, what shall I say? One of those really fine mornings; huge +white clouds in a deep blue sky; the feel of a good drive at golf; +smoke from cottage chimneys at dusk; wondering what's round the +next corner of an unknown road; bare branches at night with the +stars tangled in them; the wind that blows across these downs of +ours; the music of a sentence of STEVENSON'S; Bogie here and his +funny little ways—Well, I needn't go on?"</p> +<p>"No, you needn't," said Woggles thoughtfully and looked at me +rather hard for a space. "We're old friends, aren't we, and all +that sort of thing?" she demanded.</p> +<p>"What a question! I hope we are. But why?"</p> +<p>"Well, I'm going to ask you something. But I may say I'm rather +nervous. You'll promise not to set Bogie at me or strangle me with +your Sam Browne?"</p> +<p>"I will."</p> +<p>"Well, then, have you been asking Betty Willoughby to marry you, +and has she said 'Yes'?"</p> +<p>I was amazed. Was Woggles also among the soothsayers? Because a +few evenings earlier, with the help of a splendid full moon and one +or two extenuating circumstances—</p> +<p>"But this is black magic and wizardry," I said. "It's a dead +secret. How on earth did you know?"</p> +<p>"Oh, I just guessed," said Woggles.</p> +<hr /> +<h4>The Matrimonial Market.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"Young Girl Wanted, for Wife of Naval +Officer."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>The Navy may be the Silent Service, but when it does speak it is +very direct.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page295" id="page295"></a>[pg +295]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/295.png"><img width="100%" src="images/295.png" alt= +"THE EASTER OFFERING." /> +</a> +<h3>THE EASTER OFFERING.</h3> +<p>MR. LLOYD GEORGE <i>(fresh from Paris).</i> "I DON'T SAY IT'S A +PERFECT EGG; BUT PARTS OF IT, AS THE SAYING IS, ARE EXCELLENT."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page296" id="page296"></a>[pg +296]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/296.png"><img width="100%" src="images/296.png" alt= +"ENGINES A BIT FRISKY THIS MORNING?" /> +</a> +<p><i>Colonel (back with his battalion from front lines—to +horsey and immaculate Railway Transport, Officer).</i> "ENGINES A +BIT FRISKY THIS MORNING?"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>PROPAGANDA IN THE BALKANS.</h2> +<p>At the end of September last those whom we in Macedonia had come +to regard as our deadly enemies became our would-be friends with a +suddenness which was almost painful. Kultur is a leavening +influence, and our spurious local Hun in Bulgaria is every bit as +frightful in war and as oily in defeat as the genuine article on +the Rhine.</p> +<p>To escape this unfamiliar and rather overpowering atmosphere of +friendliness our section of the Salonica Force immediately made for +the nearest available enemy and found ourselves at a lonely spot on +the Turkish frontier. The name of the O.C. Local Bulgars began with +Boris, and he was a <i>Candidat Offizier</i> or Cadet, and acting +Town Major. As an earnest of good-will, he showed us photos of his +home, before and after the most recent <i>pogrom</i>, and of his +grandfather, a bandit with a flourishing practice in the +Philippopolis district, much respected locally.</p> +<p>We took up our dispositions, and shortly all officers were +engaged sorting out the suspicious characters arrested by the +sentries. It was in this way that I became acquainted with Serge +Gotastitch the Serb.</p> +<p>When he was brought before me I sent for Aristides +Papazaphiropoulos, our interpreter, and in the meantime delivered a +short lecture to the Sergeant-Major, Quartermaster-Sergeant and +Storeman on the inferiority of the Balkan peoples, with particular +reference to the specimen before us, to whom, in view of the fact +that he seemed a little below himself, I gave a tot of rum. He eyed +it with suspicion.</p> +<p>"What's this?" he asked suddenly (in English). "Whisky?"</p> +<p>I informed him that it was rum.</p> +<p>"That's the goods," he said, and drank it. I then commenced +interrogation.</p> +<p>"You are a Bulgar?" I asked.</p> +<p>"No," said Serge cheerlessly, "I am Serb."</p> +<p>"Serb! Then what are you doing here?"</p> +<p>"I hail from Prilep," he explained. "When Bulgar come Prilep, +they say, 'You not Serb; you Bulgar.' So they bringit me here with +others, and I workit on railroad. My family I not know where they +are; no clothes getting, no money neither. English plenty money," +he added, <i>à propos</i> of nothing.</p> +<p>I ignored the hint.</p> +<p>"Then you are a prisoner of war?" I suggested.</p> +<p>"In old time," he continued, "Turks have Prilep. I go to America +and workit on railroad Chicago—three, four year. When I come +back Turks take me for army. Not liking I desert to Serbish army. +When war finish, Serbs have Prilep. I go home Serbish civil. Then +this war start. Bulgar come to Prilep and say, 'You Bulgar, you +come work for us.' You understahn me, boss?"</p> +<p>"I must look into this," I said to the Sergeant-Major. "Send for +the interpreter and ask the Bulgar officer to step in. He's just +going past."</p> +<p>Boris arrived with a salute and a charming smile and listened to +my tale. Then he turned a cold eye on Serge and burst into a +torrent of Bulgarian, under which Serge stood with lifting +scalp.</p> +<p>"Sir," faltered Serge, when the cascade ceased, "I am liar. All +I said to you is false. I am good Bulgar. I hate Serbs."</p> +<p>"Then you are not, in fact, a Serb?" I said.</p> +<p>"Nope," said Serge, nodding his head frantically (the Oriental +method of negation).</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page297" id="page297"></a>[pg +297]</span> +<p>"Do you want to go home?" I asked cunningly.</p> +<p>"Sure, boss," replied he. "Want to go Chicago."</p> +<p>Boris uttered one blasting guttural and Serge receded to the +horizon with great rapidity. "You understand, <i>mon ami</i>," +explained Boris; "he is really a Bulgar, but the villainous Serb +propagandists have taught him the Serbian language and that he is +Serb. It is his duty really to fight or work for Bulgaria, just as +it was ours to liberate him and his other Bulgar brothers in Serbia +from the yoke of the Serbs. It is understood, my friend?"</p> +<p>"Oh, absolutely," I replied.</p> +<p>He withdrew, exchanging a glance of hatred with Aristides +Papazaphiropoulos, who approached saluting with Hellenic +fervour.</p> +<p>"You wish me, Sare?" he asked.</p> +<p>"I did," I answered, and outlined to him what had passed. "Is it +true that propaganda is, or are, used to that extent?"</p> +<p>"It is true," he answered sadly. "The Serb has much +propagandism, the Bulgar also. But in this case both are liars, +since the population of Prilep is rightfully Greek."</p> +<hr /> +<p>Three days later Boris appeared before me with a sullen +face.</p> +<p>"I wish to complain," he said. "You have with you a Greek, one +Papazaphiropoulos. It is forbidden by the terms of the Armistice +that Greeks should come into Bulgaria. Greeks or Serbs—it is +expressly stated. I wish to complain."</p> +<p>"You are wrong," I replied. "He is no Greek. He is a Bulgar. But +the cunning Greek propagandists have taught him the Greek language +and that he is a Greek. It is really his duty to be the first to +rush on to the soil of his beloved Bulgaria—"</p> +<p>"Ach!" said Boris, grinding his teeth; "you mock our patriotism. +You are an Englishman."</p> +<p>"I don't," I replied. "And I'm not. I'm French. We came over in +1066. You ask my aunt at Tunbridge Wells. But the villainous +English propagandists taught me English, and the Scotch gave me a +taste for whisky, and—"</p> +<p>But Boris had faded away.</p> +<hr /> +<h4>Alarming: Spread of Cannibalism.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"AUSTRALIANS IN FRANCE.</p> +<p>"THIRD OF GERMAN ARMY EATEN."</p> +<p><i>Queensland Paper</i>.</p> +<p>"THOROUGHLY Experienced Cook. Capable cooking large +family."—<i>Ceylon Paper</i>.</p> +<p>"WANTED, Smart Young Man or Woman, for +frying."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href= +"images/297.png"><img width="100%" src="images/297.png" alt= +"FOR OVER FOUR YEARS I'VE BATTLED FURIOUSLY AGAINST A 'ARD +AN' BITTER FOE. AN' 'ERE I AM CONSTRUCTIN' A WOODEN' 'ORSE +FOR THE CAPTIN'S SON." /> +</a> +<p><i>Born Grumbler</i>. "FOR OVER FOUR YEARS I'VE BATTLED +FURIOUSLY AGAINST A 'ARD AN' BITTER FOE. AN' 'ERE I AM CONSTRUCTIN' +A WOODEN' 'ORSE FOR THE CAPTIN'S SON."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>TO A YOUNG SUB.</h3> +<p class="center"><i>(By a late one.)</i></p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Sublime young Sir, so nuttily complacent,</p> +<p class="i2">So airy-poised upon thy rubbered feet,</p> +<p>The cynosure, no doubt, of all adjacent</p> +<p class="i2">Regard along that hit of Regent Street,</p> +<p>My thanks. In rather less than half a twinkling</p> +<p class="i2">Thy lofty air and high Olympian gaze</p> +<p>Have taught me that of which I had no inkling</p> +<p class="i2">Throughout my swashing military days.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I too (<i>et ego in Arcadia vixi</i>)—</p> +<p class="i2">I too have strolled like that in London town,</p> +<p>Demanding homage from the very bricks I</p> +<p class="i2">Pressed with my shoes of scintillating brown;</p> +<p>But never till I tried the fair corrective</p> +<p class="i2">Of seeing khaki from a civvy suit</p> +<p>Could I envisage in its true perspective</p> +<p class="i2">That common circumstance, a Second-Loot.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h4>Not Dead Yet.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"The Hungarian Soviet Government has adopted a non-posthumous +attitude."—<i>Globe</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page298" id="page298"></a>[pg +298]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/298.png"><img width="100%" src="images/298.png" alt= +"GET YOUR OVERCOAT OFF QUICKLY, MAN; THEN HE'LL THINK YOU BELONG +TO THE HOUSE!" /> +</a> +<p><i>Host (to visitor just arrived).</i> "GET YOUR OVERCOAT OFF +QUICKLY, MAN; THEN HE'LL THINK YOU BELONG TO THE HOUSE!"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>THE PASSING OF GREEK.</h2> +<p>A great thanksgiving meeting (postponed till "Summer-time" on +account of the shortage of artificial heat) was held at the Albert +Hall last Saturday to celebrate the dethronement of Greek at +Oxford. Mr. H.G. WELLS presided, and there was a numerous +attendance.</p> +<p>Mr. WELLS, while he struck and maintained a jubilant note +throughout his eloquent speech, tempered enthusiasm with caution. +The Grecians, he said, like the Greeks, were wily folk and capable +of shamming dead while they were all the while scheming and +plotting to restore their imperilled supremacy. Indeed he knew it +as a fact that some of the most infatuated scholars actually voted +against compulsion, simply to confuse the issue. Still, for the +moment it was a great victory, a crushing blow to Oxford, the +stronghold of mediaevalism, incompetence and Hanoverianism, and an +immense relief to the sorely-tried physique of the nation. For he +was able to assure them, speaking with the authority of one who had +taken first-class honours in Zoology, that the study of Greek more +than anything else predisposed people to influenza by promoting +cachexia, often leading to arterio-sclerosis, bombination of the +tympanum, and even astigmatism of the pineal gland. +(Sensation.)</p> +<p>Mr. PEMBERTON BILLING, M.P., speaking from the seat of an +aeroplane, said that he had found the little Greek he remembered +from his school-days not only no help but a positive hindrance to +his advocacy of a strong Air policy. The efforts of the Greeks as +pioneers of aviation were grossly exaggerated and, speaking as an +expert, he denounced these literary fictions as so much hot air. +There were at least forty-seven thousand reasons against Greek, but +he would be content with two. It didn't pay, and it was much harder +than Esperanto.</p> +<p>Mr. WILLIAM LE QUEUX in a most impressive speech said that he +was no enemy of ancient learning. Egyptology was only a less +favourite recreation with him than revolver practice. But Greek he +could never abide, and he was confirmed in his instinct by the fact +that at all the sixteen Courts where he had been received and +decorated Classical Greek was practically unknown. It was the same +in his travels in Morocco, Algeria, Kabylia, among the Touaregs, +the Senussis and the pygmies of the Aruwhimi Hinterland. He never +heard it even alluded to. Nor had he found it necessary for his +investigations into the secret service of Foreign Powers, the +writing of spy stories, the forecasting of the Great War or the +composition of cinema plays. He had done his best to procure the +prohibition of the study of Greek in the Republic of San Marino, +and he was inclined to trace the present financial crisis in that +State to his failure. (Cheers.)</p> +<p>Mr. BERNARD SHAW struck a somewhat jarring note by the cynical +remark that it would be a very good thing for modern sensational +authors if Greek literature were not only neglected but destroyed, +as some of the Classical authors had been guilty of prospective +plagiarism on a large scale. He knew this as a fact, as he had been +recently reading LUCIAN in a crib and found him devilish amusing. +(Uproar and cries of "Shame!")</p> +<p>A moving letter was read from Lord BEAVERBROOK, in which the +great financier declared that, in arriving at the peerage at the +age of thirty-seven, he had found his inability to read HOMER +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page299" id="page299"></a>[pg +299]</span> freely in the original no handicap or hindrance. He +pointed out the interesting fact that Lord NORTHCLIFFE, who reached +a similar elevation at the age of forty, had never composed any +Greek iambics, though his literary style was singularly +polished.</p> +<p>It was felt that any further speeches after this momentous +announcement would inevitably partake of the nature of an +anti-climax.</p> +<p>The Chairman happily interpreted the feeling of the meeting by +hurling a copy of <i>Liddell and Scott</i> on the floor of the +platform and dancing upon it, and the great assembly soon +afterwards dispersed in a mood of solemn exultation to the strains +of a Jazz band. As Mr. WELLS observed in a fine phrase, "We have +to-day extinguished the lights in the Classical firmament."</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/299.png"><img width="100%" src="images/299.png" alt= +"EXCUSE ME WOULD YOU MIND TREADING—ACCIDENTAL-LIKE—ON +THAT MAN'S TOES? HE USED TO BE MY SERGEANT-MAJOR." /> +</a> +<p><i>Demobilised One (to massive lady about to make her exit),</i> +"EXCUSE ME WOULD YOU MIND TREADING—ACCIDENTAL-LIKE—ON +THAT MAN'S TOES? HE USED TO BE MY SERGEANT-MAJOR."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h4>The Tender-hearted Bailie.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"Accused broke down in the dock, and while weeping bitterly the +Bailie fined both girls £1 or ten days."—<i>Edinburgh +Evening News</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Lord Burray of Elibank and the Hon. Gideon Murray, M.P., have +recently had influenza and bronchitis."—<i>Scotch +Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>From internal evidence we gather that his lordship has not yet +completely recovered.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>SO SOON FORGOT.</h3> +<blockquote class="note"> +<p>[A cinema has been showing a picture of M. PADEREWSKI, bearing +the legend, "The new President of Poland: once a world-famed +violinist."]</p> +</blockquote> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The President of POLAND</p> +<p class="i2">Was born to place and power;</p> +<p>Yet, ere he found his mission</p> +<p>In filling this position,</p> +<p>He was a great musician—</p> +<p class="i2">Men say so to this hour.</p> +<p>But, dash it! while the whole land</p> +<p class="i2">Admits his old repute,</p> +<p>It wonders, "Did this fellow,</p> +<p>At whom Queen's Hall would bellow,</p> +<p>Perform upon the 'cello,</p> +<p class="i2">Or did he play the flute?"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The day AUGUSTUS JOHN is</p> +<p class="i2">Created Duke of Wales,</p> +<p>His countrymen will never</p> +<p>Stop boasting of how clever</p> +<p>He is at Art, whatever</p> +<p class="i2">(Though Burlington still rails).</p> +<p>But one small detail gone is</p> +<p class="i2">From their forgetful nuts;</p> +<p>Their recollection's shady—</p> +<p>Did JOHN'S artistic heyday</p> +<p>Mean costumes for <i>The Lady</i></p> +<p class="i2">Or things for <i>Comic Cuts?</i></p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>When HALL CAINE rules a nation</p> +<p class="i2">As Superman of Man,</p> +<p>His subjects will assure us</p> +<p>In daily dance and chorus:</p> +<p>"Ere HALL presided o'er us,</p> +<p class="i2">Men read him as they ran.</p> +<p>For once his circulation</p> +<p class="i2">Spread over Seven Seas."</p> +<p>Yet memory by chance errs</p> +<p>In these ecstatic dancers—</p> +<p>Oh, did he edit <i>Answers</i>,</p> +<p class="i2">Or write "Callisthenes"?</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h4>Our Helpful Contemporaries.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"But the most pressing of all the questions with which the Peace +Congress has to deal is the settlement of terms of peace with +Germany."—<i>Nottingham Guardian</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p class="center">"LIFE'S LITTLE MARVELS.</p> +<p>"A family of eight was stated to be living on £3 a week in +the Bow County Court, and counsel said it was a marvel how they did +it."—<i>Bradford Daily Argus</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>It is supposed that they take it in turns to sleep on the +Bench.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"A Republic is derported to have been declared at Zagazig. In +Cairo stdikes have added to the difficulties of the public, the +latest being one by the cabddivers. Crowds ottempted to storm the +Government printing works, but were dispersed by the +military."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Not, however, until they had worked some havoc among the +type.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page300" id="page300"></a>[pg +300]</span> +<h2>THE MUD LARKS.</h2> +<p>I was motoring homewards across the old line. A ghost-peopled +dusk was crawling over the devastation and desolation that is Vimy, +and in the distance the bare bones of St. Eloy loomed like a +spectre skeleton against the frosty after-glow. We hummed past +Thélus cross-roads, dipped downhill and, <i>hey presto</i>! +all of a sudden I was in China. (No, not Neuville-St.-Vaast; China, +China, place where they eat birds'-nests and puppy-dogs' tails.) +There were coolies from some salvage company all over the place, +perched on heaps of broken masonry, squatting along the ditch side, +banked ten-deep in the road—tall villainous-looking devils, +very intently watching something. I pulled up, partly to avoid +killing them and partly to see what it was all about.</p> +<p>It was an open-air theatre. They had built it on the ruins of an +<i>estaminet</i>, roofed it over with odds and ends of tin and +tarpaulin, and the play was on. There was the orchestra against the +back-cloth, rendering selections from popular Pekin revues on the +drum, cymbal and one-stringed fiddle. There were the actors +apparelled in the gorgeous costumes of old Cathay strutting +mechanically through their parts, the female impersonators +squeaking in shrill falsetto and putting in a lot of subtle +fan-work. And there was the ubiquitous property-man drifting in and +out among the performers, setting his fantastic house in order. We +were actually within a mile of the Vimy Ridge, but we might have +been away on the sunny side of Suez, deep within the mysterious +heart of Canton City.</p> +<p>"Good as a three-ring circus, ain't it?" said an English voice +at my side; "most of their plays run on for nine months or so, but +this particular show only lasts six weeks, the merest +curtain-raiser."</p> +<p>I turned towards the speaker and looked full upon the beak nose, +cleft cheek and bristling red moustache of an old friend. "Good +Lord, The Beachcomber!" I breathed. He started, peered at me and +growled, "Captain Dawnay-Devenish, if it's all the same to you, +Mister blooming Lieutenant."</p> +<hr /> +<p>In the year 1907 John Fanshawe Dawnay-Devenish arrived in a +certain Far Eastern port, deck passenger aboard a Dutch tramp out +of Batavia. The Volendam mate accompanied him to the gang-plank, +shaking a size eleven fist: "Now yous, get, see?... an' iv yous +gome bag...!" He ground his horse-teeth and made unpleasant noises +in his throat.</p> +<p>"Shouldn't dream of risking it, old dear," replied John Fanshawe +pleasantly, "not on your venerable coffee-grinder anyhow—not +until she gets a navigator." He kissed his nicotined fingers to the +exploding Hollander and strolled off down the wharf, whistling +"<i>Nun trink ich Schnapps</i>."</p> +<p>Arrived in the European quarter he smoothed what creases he +could out of his sole suit of drills, whitened his soggy topee and +frayed canvas shoes with a piece of chalk purloined from a billiard +saloon, bluffed a drink out of an inebriated ship's engineer and +snatched a free lunch on the strength of it. Thus fortified he +visited the British Consul, and by means of somewhat soiled letters +proved that he really was a Dawnay-Devenish of the Dorset +Dawnay-Devenishes (who should be in no way confused with the +Devenish-Dawnays of Chipping-Banbury or the Devenishe +d'Awnay-Dawnays of Upper Tooting; the Dorset branch alone +possessing the privilege, granted by letters patent of ETHELRED the +Unready, of drinking the King's bathwater every Maunday Tuesday of +Leap Year).</p> +<p>Awed by the name—was there not a Dawnay-Devenish occupying +a plump armchair in the Colonial Office at the time?—the +Consul parted with five hundred dollars (Mex.). Next time the yield +was not so satisfactory, not by two hundred and fifty dollars. At +the end of a month, the Consul having proved a broken reed only +good for five-dollar touches at considerable intervals, it behoved +our hero to seek some fresh source of income. He cast up-river in +search of it and disappeared from civilised ken for seven merciful +years.</p> +<p>In June, 1914, he beat back into port in a fancifully decorated +junk, minus one ear and two fingers, but plus a cargo of jingling +genuine money. He hired the bridal suite in the leading hotel, got +hold of a fleet of motor cars and a host of boon companions, lived +on a diet of champagne cocktails and splashed himself about with +the carefree abandon of a dancing dervish.</p> +<p>By the middle of July he was "on the beach" again and once more +began to haunt the Consular office babbling of his influential +relations and his "temporary embarrassment."</p> +<p>When war broke out he had thrown up the sponge altogether and +"gone yellow"; was living from hand to mouth among the Chinese. At +the end of August a ship touched at that Far Eastern port, picking +up volunteers for the Western Front. The port contributed a goodly +number, but there remained one berth vacant. The long-suffering +Consul had a stroke of inspiration. Here was a means of at once +swelling the man-power of his country and ridding himself of a +pestilent ne'er-do-well. His boys, searching far and wide, +discovered John Fanshawe in the back premises of a Malay go-down, +oblivious to all things, and bore him inanimate aboard ship.</p> +<p>In this manner did our hero answer The Call.</p> +<p>In due course he appeared in our reserve squadron and was +detailed to my troop. It did not take me many days to realise that +I was up against the most practised malingerer in the British (or +any other) army. Did a fatigue prove too irksome; did the jumps in +the riding-school loom too large; did the serjeant speak a harsh +word unto him, "The Beachcomber" promptly went sick. Malaria was +his long suit. By aid of black arts learned during those seven +years sojourning with the heathen Chinee he could switch malaria +(or a plausible imitation of it) on or off at will and fool the +M.O.'s every time. I used to interview them about it, but got scant +sympathy. The Healers' Union brooks no interference from +outsiders.</p> +<p>"Look here, that brute's bluffing you," I would protest.</p> +<p>To which they would make reply, "Can you give us any scientific +explanation of how a man can fake his pulse and increase his +temperature to 102° by taking thought? You can't? No, we didn't +suppose you could. Good day."</p> +<p>One person, however, I did succeed in convincing, and that was +the C.O., who knew his East. "Very good," said he. "If the skunk +won't be trained he shall go untrained. He sails for France with +the next draft."</p> +<p>Nevertheless our friend did not sail with the next draft. Ten +minutes after being warned for it, the old complaint caught him +again, and when the band played our lads out of barracks he was +snugly tucked away in sick-bay with sweet girl V.A.D.'s coaxing him +to nibble a little calves-foot jelly and keep his strength up. Nor +did he figure among either of the two subsequent drafts; his +malaria wouldn't hear of it.</p> +<p>I went back to the land of fireworks at the head of one of these +drafts myself, freely admitting that John Fanshawe had the best of +the joke. He waved me farewell out of the hospital window by way of +emphasising this.</p> +<p>The Babe followed me out shortly after, bringing about fifty men +with him. He strolled into Mess one evening and mentioned quite +casually that The Beachcomber was in camp.</p> +<p>"How did you manage it?" we chorused in wonder.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page301" id="page301"></a>[pg +301]</span> +<p>"Heard the story of his leaving China and repeated the dose," +the Babe replied. "Just before the draft was warned, my batman led +him down to Mooney's shebeen and treated him to the run of his +throat—at my expense. He came all the way as baggage."</p> +<p>Thus did John Fanshawe complete the second stage of his journey +to the War. He did not remain with us long, however; a fortnight at +the most.</p> +<p>We were doing some digging at the time, night-work, up forward, +in clay so glutinous it would not leave the shovels and had mainly +to be clawed out by hand—filthy, back-breaking, heart-rending +labour. On calling the roll one dawn I found that The Beachcomber +was missing.</p> +<p>"Anybody seen anything of him?" I asked.</p> +<p>"Yessir, I did," a man replied, and spat disgustedly.</p> +<p>"Well," I inquired, "was he hit or anything?"</p> +<p>The man grunted, "No, Sir; I don't think 'e was 'it; I think 'e +was fed up. 'Call this war, do they?' says 'e to me. 'I call it +blawsted WORK!' I told 'im to get on wiv it an' do 'is whack.</p> +<p>"'E chucks a couple of spoonfuls of muck and then sits down. 'I +can feel me damned ol' malaria creepin' over me again, Jim,' says +'e. 'Noticed a Red Cross outfit in the valley; think I'll be +totterin' along there,' says 'e. 'So long.' And that was the last +the regiment saw of its Beachcomber."</p> +<hr /> +<p>"Have it as you like, Captain Dawnay-Devenish," I said, "but +before I go tell me, how did you wangle this job?"</p> +<p>"Any affair of yours?" he sneered.</p> +<p>"No," I admitted; "still I'm interested."</p> +<p>He laughed unpleasantly. "Yes, you would be. Always infernally +keen on minding my business for me, weren't you? Well, if you must +know, I was convalescing when these same Chows started a pogrom in +the next camp. I stopped it, and the powers—who were scared +stiff—tacked a stripe on me and told me to carry on."</p> +<p>"That accounts for the stripe," said I; "but what of the +stars?"</p> +<p>"Oh, them! We were behind the line down south last year laying a +toy railway when the Hun broke clean through in a fog. Remember? I +pulled the Chinks together and we stopped 'em. That's all."</p> +<p>"Good Lord, that wasn't you, was it?" I cried. "Set about 'em +with picks and shovels, shrieking Chinese war-cries and chopped 'em +to bits. Oh, splendid! But how on earth did you rouse these tame +coolies to it?"</p> +<p>The Beachcomber tugged his red moustache and laughed +deprecatingly. "It wasn't very difficult really. You see, these +birds of mine are only temporary coolies. In civilian life they're +mostly river pirates, Tong-fighters and suchlike professional +cut-throats. Killing comes natural to 'em. They only wanted +somebody who could organize and lead 'em."</p> +<p>"And you could?"</p> +<p>The Beachcomber drew himself up proudly.</p> +<p>"I should hope so. Wasn't I their Pirate King for seven long +years?"</p> +<p>PATLANDER.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/301.png"><img width="100%" src="images/301.png" alt= +"OUR COURTEOUS TELEPHONE SERVICE." /> +</a> +<h3>OUR COURTEOUS TELEPHONE SERVICE.</h3> +<p><i>City Magnate</i>. "YOU'VE CUT ME OFF! +HELL!!" <i>Sweet Voice from the other +end</i>. "THAT WILL BE A TRUNK CALL."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h4>Self-Determination in Devon.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"At a public meeting at Barnstaple, the Vicar presiding, it was +decided to form a local branch of the League of +Nations."—<i>Western Morning News</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Won't WILSON be bucked?</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page302" id="page302"></a>[pg +302]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/302.png"><img width="100%" src="images/302.png" alt= +"'MOTHER, I SUPPOSE THE BRIDEGROOM _MUST_ COME TO HIS WEDDING?'" /> +</a> +<i>Little Girl (in foreground).</i> "MOTHER, I SUPPOSE THE +BRIDEGROOM <i>MUST</i> COME TO HIS WEDDING?"</div> +<hr /> +<h2>THE LAST WATCH OF THE NIGHT.</h2> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The hand of dawn is on the door</p> +<p class="i2">That seals the dolorous arch of night;</p> +<p>Dim gardens and hushed groves once more</p> +<p class="i2">Dream of the half-forgotten light;</p> +<p>Yet all the ancient fires are cold</p> +<p class="i2">On altars battered and forlorn,</p> +<p>And men grope still for gauds of gold,</p> +<p class="i2">Oblivious of the imminent morn.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>When comes the dawn? Its unseen dew</p> +<p class="i2">Distils on folded swath and mound,</p> +<p>Where grass is deep or sods are new,</p> +<p class="i2">And branches shake without a sound;</p> +<p>Where, numberless and low and grey,</p> +<p class="i2">The furrows lessen to the sky;</p> +<p>There sleep the sons of England, they</p> +<p class="i2">Who died that England should not die.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Better—ah, better for us all,</p> +<p class="i2">For them who sleep and us who wake,</p> +<p>That never bird at dawn should call</p> +<p class="i2">Nor golden foam of morning break;</p> +<p>That on one high cairn of the dead</p> +<p class="i2">The ultimate light should be unsealed,</p> +<p>Than that the world should live unled,</p> +<p class="i2">Unchanged, unpurified, unhealed.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Life and all things that make it fair</p> +<p class="i2">Men gave that better lives might be;</p> +<p>They went exulting and aware</p> +<p class="i2">Forth to the great discovery;</p> +<p>But who will prize life over-much</p> +<p class="i2">Or deem that death comes over-soon</p> +<p>If hands of fools and barterers touch</p> +<p class="i2">The architrave of Hope half-hewn!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Under a brave new baldachin,</p> +<p class="i2">New robes drooped o'er their crimson feet,</p> +<p>The old unaltered twain begin</p> +<p class="i2">Their ride along the embannered street;</p> +<p>With golden charms for men to kiss</p> +<p class="i2">A-swing from wrist and bridle-rein,</p> +<p>The brethren Pride and Avarice,</p> +<p class="i2">The monarchs of the world again.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>If this thing be and no new world</p> +<p class="i2">Rise from the old dead world beneath,</p> +<p>Then morning's chaplet seven-pearled</p> +<p class="i2">Is made the bauble-crest of death;</p> +<p>All dreams belied, all vows made void,</p> +<p class="i2">Pale Hope a wingless fugitive,</p> +<p>And man a stumbling anthropoid—</p> +<p class="i2">Can these things be if England live?</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>If England live, the anarch tide</p> +<p class="i2">Shall lose itself among her waves,</p> +<p>And the grey earth be glorified</p> +<p class="i2">By the young blossom on her graves;</p> +<p>And by her grace no power shall part;</p> +<p class="i2">Fulfilment from the dreams that were,</p> +<p>If still the music of her heart</p> +<p class="i2">Be theirs who lived and died for her.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>D.M.S.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page303" id="page303"></a>[pg +303]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/303.png"><img width="100%" src="images/303.png" alt= +"THE DOVE AT SEA." /> +</a> +<h3>THE DOVE AT SEA.</h3> +<p>BIRD OF PEACE. "EXCUSE ME, BUT IS THIS THE ARK?"</p> +<p>MAN OF WAR. "DUNNO NOTHIN' ABOUT NO ARK; BUT WE'RE FOR +ARK-ANGEL, IF THAT'S ANY USE TO YOU."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<!--Blank Page 304--> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page305" id="page305"></a>[pg +305]</span> +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/305.png"><img width="100%" src="images/305.png" alt= +"TELL ME THE STORY OF THE PALACE BUILT IN A SINGLE NIGHT." /> +</a> +<i>Sultan Addison (his mind on the house famine).</i> "TELL ME THE +STORY OF THE PALACE BUILT IN A SINGLE NIGHT."</div> +<p><i>Monday, April 7th</i>.—The FIRST COMMISSIONER OF WORKS +is determined that there shall be no slack time in the +furniture-removing industry. To that end he is arranging that the +business-premises in Kingsway now being vacated by the Government +shall be filled by the Commission Internationale de Ravitaillement, +that the Commission's old premises shall then be occupied by the +Air Ministry, and that the Hotel Cecil shall then be restored to +its original owners—unless, of course, it should be wanted by +the Department lately housed in Kingsway. "Musical chairs," +muttered Colonel WEDGWOOD.</p> +<p>That was not the hon. and gallant Member's only contribution to +the gaiety of the proceedings. He essayed to move the adjournment +in order to discuss the situation of our troops in Russia, but was +reminded that there was already a motion on the Order Paper dealing +with that subject and standing in his own name. An attempt to +perform the difficult manoeuvre of getting out of his own light was +frustrated by the SPEAKER, who, to the argument that the motion on +the Paper dealt with a wider subject, replied "<i>Majus in se minus +continet</i>." Overwhelmed by this display of erudition, the victim +murmured "<i>Der Tag!</i>" and collapsed.</p> +<p>In moving the Second Reading of the Housing Bill Dr. ADDISON +thought it necessary to disclaim any intention of posing as "an +Oriental potentate," modestly adding, "I do not look the part." He +has, however, one characteristic of the Eastern ruler, namely, a +delight in long stories. It took him two hours to tell the House in +melancholy monotone all about the defects of our present system and +his proposals for removing them. Unfortunately he has not the +Oriental gift of transforming slums into palaces in a single night, +but hopes to produce a similar effect by treating the local +authorities with a judicious mixture of subsidies and ginger.</p> +<p><i>Tuesday, April 8th</i>.—Congratulations to Lord ASKWITH +on taking his seat in the House of Lords and condolences (in +advance) to those foreign journals which will inevitably announce +that the ex-PRIME MINISTER has overcome his objections to taking a +peerage.</p> +<p>Lord BUCKMASTER'S futile attempt to resist the passage of the +Military Service Bill was chiefly remarkable for his epigrammatic +description of the present SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR—"a man +of great capacity, a man of most restless and versatile energy and +unconquerable will, and of the most vivid and most illimitable and +elusive vision of any politician of recent time." Several public +schoolmasters, I understand, have already noted its possibilities +as a suitable extract for translation into Tacitean Latin.</p> +<p>Lord CURZON hastened to assure Lord BUCKMASTER that, though +deprived of his co-operation, the present Cabinet thought itself +equal to coping with Mr. CHURCHILL. As for the Bill, there were +still storm-clouds over Europe that might break at any moment; and +every threatened nationality was uttering the same cry, "Send us +British troops." Although we could not respond to all these +appeals, we must have the power to give aid when the circumstances +required it.</p> +<p>Some of our warriors are already experiencing the horrors of +peace. Mr. CHURCHILL has promised searching inquiry into the case +of the officer who sent a hundred-word telegram—at Government +expense—about a dog; and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, on his attention +being called to the forty-three motorcars still in use by the War +Office, gave an answer which implied an impending slump in +joy-rides.</p> +<p>Sir MARTIN CONWAY'S anxiety that an "archaeologically-qualified +official" should be entrusted with the duty of protecting the +ancient monuments of Mesopotamia was relieved by Mr. FISHER. Such +an official had already been sent out—not from the War +Office, where all the "archaeologically <span class= +"pagenum"><a name="page306" id="page306"></a>[pg 306]</span> +qualified" are presumably too busy—but from the British +Museum. Part of his work had been kindly done for him by the German +scientists, who had collected ninety cases of specimens, now in our +hands. The removal of bricks or other antiquities had long been +forbidden—rather a blow to Dr. ADDISON, who in the present +shortage of building material is very envious of the new Bavarian +Government with a bricklayer at its head.</p> +<div class="figright" style="width:50%;"><a href= +"images/306.png"><img width="100%" src="images/306.png" alt= +"MODIFIED MOTOR FACILITIES." /> +</a> +<h4>MODIFIED MOTOR FACILITIES.</h4> +STAFF-OFFICERS PASSING THROUGH WHITEHALL ON THEIR WAY TO +LUNCHEON.</div> +<p><i>Wednesday, April 9th</i>.—In the Commons Dr. MACNAMARA +announced that the Admiralty did not propose to perpetuate the +title "Grand Fleet" for the principal squadron of His Majesty's +Navy. The Grand Fleet is now a part of the history that it did so +much to make.</p> +<p>On the Third Reading of the Ministry of Health Bill Mr. J.H. +THOMAS made a rather ungracious allusion to the Local Government +Board. <i>De moribundis nil nisi bonum</i> should have been his +motto, especially as the old Department has done splendid work (and +never better than in recent times under Sir HORACE MONRO) for the +health and comfort of His Majesty's lieges.</p> +<p>If words were as effective as bullets the Bolshevist Government +in Russia would have but a brief existence. The rumour that LENIN +had made overtures to the Allies moved Mr. CLEM EDWARDS to a +display of virtuous vituperation that Mr. BOTTOMLEY found difficult +to equal, though he did his best. Even Colonel WEDGWOOD, though he +evidently thinks we ought to make peace with LENIN, indignantly +repudiated the suggestion that he himself is a Bolshevist. Towards +the close of the evening the HOME SECRETARY declared that no +proposals from LENIN had reached our delegates in Paris—a +statement which, if made a few hours earlier, would have rendered +the debate superfluous. In his opinion the proposals, whatever they +may be, had been "made in Germany" and should be excluded as goods +of enemy origin. His statement that he was deporting Bolshevists +every day was satisfactory so far as it went, but left the House +wondering how they had been permitted to get here.</p> +<p><i>Thursday, April 10th</i>.—The House does not feel quite +the same without its BONAR, who has once more flown off to Paris. +Question after Question was "postponed" for his return. We were +informed, however, that the delay in releasing Charles the First +from internment was due to the necessity of repairing sundry +damages to his fabric, due, I understand, not to Zeppelins or +Gothas, but to the corroding tooth of Time.</p> +<p>Several Questions regarding an explosive magazine at Dinas +Mawddwy have lately been addressed to the Ministry of Munitions. +Hitherto they have received rather cryptic replies, no one in the +Department apparently being prepared to pronounce the name. But +this afternoon Mr. HOPE, after a few preliminary sentences to get +his voice into condition, boldly blurted out, "Dinnus Mouthwy," and +received the tribute which the House always pays to true +courage.</p> +<p>The LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION, hitherto a dual personality, is +now three single gentlemen rolled into one. Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT has +accepted the leadership of a new Liberal Party, and with Colonel +GODFREY COLLINS and Mr. ALBION RICHARDSON as his attendant Whips, +duly took his seat upon the Front Bench. Someone challenged the +intrusion of non-Privy Councillors into that sacred precinct. But +the SPEAKER dismissed the objection with the remark, "There is more +room upon that bench than on any other, you know." It is expected +that, in contradistinction to the "Wee Frees," the new Party will +be known as the "Auld Lichts."</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"It is impossible to plough on account of the large number of +unexploded shells and bombs buried in the soil. These are now being +employed by the Engineers."—<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>We trust they will manage to avoid the traditional fate of the +engineer.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>UNEMPLOYMENT NOTES.</h3> +<p>Government unemployees at present engaged in drawing their +weekly donation are requested to call at the Labour Exchange every +day at 10 A.M. Morning dress.</p> +<p>It is not permissible for applicants to send their wives, valets +or chauffeurs to represent them.</p> +<p>Smoking is not prohibited, but applicants are requested not to +offer tobacco, cigarettes or cigars to the officials.</p> +<p>Arrangements are to be made to provide entertainment by means of +concert parties and motor-trips; also newspapers and periodicals, +in which, to avoid annoyance, the "Situations Vacant" column has +been blacked out.</p> +<p>It is desirable that applicants should not wear fur coats. The +present fashion does not go beyond a grey tweed lounge suit, with +white spats and velours hat.</p> +<p>A limited number of openings are offered to any who care to act +as batmen to unemployed munition-workers.</p> +<p>A doctor is in future to be kept at every Labour Exchange to +render first-aid to those who should be offered a situation.</p> +<p>Applicants are requested not to tease the officials.</p> +<hr /> +<h4>Jargon.</h4> +<p>From a speech at a Medical conference:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"He was ashamed of the term 'shell-shock.' It was a bad word, +and should be wiped out of the vocabulary of every scientific man. +It was really molecular abnormality of the nervous system, +characterised by abnormal reactions to ordinary +stimuli."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>We must try to remember this.</p> +<hr /> +<h4>A Modest Estimate.</h4> +<p>From a publisher's advertisement:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"Baroness Orczy has laid the world under a fresh debt of +gratitude. 7/- net."—"<i>Times" Literary Supplement</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"The question one could naturally put is, 'Has the millennium +arrived, when the lion and the lamb shall lay +together?'"—<i>Monthly Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Let's hope, at all events, that the produce won't be a +cockatrice's egg.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"This is the anniversary of the death of Robert Southey in 1843. +Perhaps his most celebrated poem is the delightful 'Ode to a +Skylark,' the beginning of which 'Hail to thee, blithe spirit,' is +known to every school child."—<i>New York Evening +Journal</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>It seems that Truth still stands in need of propaganda in +America.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page307" id="page307"></a>[pg +307]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/307.png"><img width="100%" src="images/307.png" alt= +"CHARMING SPOT; BUT RATHER DISAPPOINTING." /> +</a> +<p><i>Amateur Photographer (on a conducted tour in +France).</i>"CHARMING SPOT; BUT RATHER DISAPPOINTING. I +<i>QUITE</i> HOPED IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ALL SMASHED UP."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>FINANCIAL INTELLIGENCE.</h3> +<p>The decision of <i>The Westminster Gazette</i> to return to its +old figure of a penny must not be taken as a sign that prices +generally are coming down. On the contrary there is every +indication that they are rising and will still rise, as the +following symptomatic scraps of news, gathered from all parts of +the country, go to prove:—</p> +<p>The First Commissioner of Oaths states that "twopenny damns" +will, until further notice, be eight-pence each.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A schoolmaster in Birmingham who propounded the old question +about a herring and a half costing three half-pence has been put +under restraint as a dangerous lunatic.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>If the information that reaches us from a little bird is +correct, a boycott of sparrows is in progress, owing to their +inveterate habit of saying, "Cheep! Cheep!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Mr. HEINEMANN announces that, as a concession to modern +susceptibilities, he has decided to alter the title of Mr. +HERGESHEIMER'S successful novel, <i>The Three Black Pennys</i> to +<i>The Three Black Half-crowns.</i></p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>All guinea-pigs and guinea-fowls will from the present date +onwards be two guineas.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In the best profiteering circles cigars are now lighted with +spills made of one-pound, notes, instead of, as during the war, +ten-shilling ones.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A well-known orchestral leader states that there is a serious +movement afoot to popularise "The Dear Home Land" as an encore for +the National Anthem.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The legal profession has long been concerned by the fact that +lawyers' fees remain so fixed in a world given over to flux. It has +now been decided that, although the fees shall remain the same, +less value shall be given. For six-and-eightpence a solicitor will +in future give only half his attention, by listening with only one +ear.</p> +<hr /> +<h4>Commercial Candour.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"EGGS FOR SALE.</p> +<p>"Why go out of —— to be swindled? Come to the +—— Poultry Farm."</p> +</blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> +<blockquote> +<p>"IN MY GARDEN.</p> +<p>"April 4.—Now is a suitable time to saw sweet +peas."—<i>Daily Mirror.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>When the stalks are very strong we always use an axe.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>L'ALLEGRO.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Haste thee, Peace, and bring with thee</p> +<p>Food and old festivity,</p> +<p>Bread and sugar white as snow,</p> +<p>The bacon that we used to know,</p> +<p>Apples cheap, and eggs and meat,</p> +<p>Dainty cakes with icing sweet,</p> +<p>And in thy right hand lead with thee</p> +<p>The mountain nymph (not much U.P.).</p> +<p>Come, and sip it as you go,</p> +<p>And let my not-too-gouty toe</p> +<p>Join the dance with them and thee</p> +<p>In sweet unrationed revelry;</p> +<p>While the grocer, free of care,</p> +<p>Bustles blithe and debonair,</p> +<p>And the milkman lilts his lay,</p> +<p>And the butcher beams all day,</p> +<p>And every warrior tells his tale</p> +<p>Over the spicy nut-brown ale.</p> +<p>Peace, if thou canst really bring</p> +<p>These delights, <i>do</i> haste, old thing.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"WINTER SPORTS IN FRANCE.—Sledges were constructed out of +empty ration-boxes, whilst the old flappers used for dispersing +poison-gas from dug-outs did duty as snow-shoes."—<i>Daily +Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>The young flappers were no doubt better engaged.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page308" id="page308"></a>[pg +308]</span> +<h2>PINK GEORGETTE.</h2> +<p>Joyce, at breakfast that morning, had announced firmly that if I +really loved her I would take the pattern up to town with me and +"see what I could do." What she failed to realise was that, if I +ventured alone into the midst of so intimately feminine a world as +Bibby and Renns' for the purpose of matching stuff called Pink +Georgette, I should become practically incapable of doing anything +at all.</p> +<p>The only redeeming feature about the whole nerve-racking +business was that he found me as soon as he did.</p> +<p>"Good afternoon, Sir," he said in a most ingratiating voice. +"What can we have the pleasure of showing you, Sir?"</p> +<p>He was tall and handsome, with a perfectly waxed moustache and a +faultless frock-coat. He bowed before me with a sort of solicitous +curve to his broad shoulders, and the way he massaged one hand with +the other had a highly soothing effect.</p> +<p>"Pink georgette, Sir? Certainly, Sir." To my inexpressible +relief he seemed to consider it the most likely request in the +world.</p> +<p>A moment before I had been drifting hopelessly, in a state of +most acute self-consciousness. But with him to guide me I set off +quite boldly.</p> +<p>At what proved to be exactly the right spot he paused.</p> +<p>"Miss Robinson," he called; "pink georgette."</p> +<p>With a polite introductory wave of the hand he motioned me +towards the lady. He hovered about, near by, whilst I opened the +bit of tissue-paper containing the pattern and murmured my needs to +Miss Robinson. His very presence gave me confidence.</p> +<p>When it was all over he came up and led me away. As we emerged +into the stronger light near the door I peered at him closely. Then +I touched him on the arm and beckoned him behind a couple of Paris +models.</p> +<p>I took hold of his hand and wrung it fervently.</p> +<p>"Sergeant Steel," I said, "you always <i>did</i> have the knack +of being in exactly the right spot at the right moment. I haven't +set eyes on you since that very hot day in '16, when you brought up +the remnants of 14 platoon and pulled me out of that tight corner +at Guillemont. That was a valuable bit of work, Sergeant, but +nothing to this—simply nothing!"</p> +<p>The solicitous curve had straightened out from his broad +shoulders. His hands had ceased their soothing massage. His heels +were together, his arms glued to his sides, his eyes glaring at a +fixed point directly over the top of my head.</p> +<p>"Thought it was you, Sir, as soon as I saw you. But of course I +wasn't going to say anything till you did." It was not the +ingratiating voice now, but that rasping half-whisper he always +used for nocturnal conferences in the front line. "Never heard +anything of you, Sir, since you went down with a Blighty after +Guillemont. Beg your pardon, Sir, but you looked a bit windy as you +came in just now, so I thought I'd keep in support.... Yes, Sir, +got my ticket last month—only been back on my old job a +fortnight."</p> +<p>I tapped the parcel that Miss Robinson's own fair hands had made +up for me.</p> +<p>"This a good issue, Sergeant?" I said. "Sound and reliable and +all that?"</p> +<p>"Couldn't be better, Sir. I had my eye on her. We only drew it +ourselves lately. That's the stuff to give 'em. You can safely +carry on with that, Sir ... a perfect match ... exquisite blending +of colour ... those art shades are to be very fashionable this +season, I assure you, Sir."</p> +<p>Imperceptibly his hands had resumed their massage, the +solicitous curve had returned to his broad shoulders, his voice was +ingratiating again.</p> +<p>"We have a large range of all the daintiest materials. I believe +our charmeuse, ninons and crêpe-de-Chines to be unrivalled in +town, Sir. A little damp under foot to-day, Sir, but warmer, I +think—distinctly warmer. Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir, +<i>Good</i> day, Sir."</p> +<p>And Sergeant Steel (D.C.M. and four chevrons) bowed me into the +street.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href= +"images/308.png"><img width="100%" src="images/308.png" alt= +"I DON'T THINK I CARE ABOUT THAT ONE. IT MAKES ME LOOK LIKE ONE +OF THESE 'ERE SPANISH DANCERS." /> +</a> +<p>"I DON'T THINK I CARE ABOUT THAT ONE. IT MAKES ME LOOK LIKE ONE +OF THESE 'ERE SPANISH DANCERS."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>LITERARY GOSSIP.</h2> +<p>MR. WELLS has a new volume of collected Prefaces coming out this +week, with an Introduction and an Epilogue by Sir HARRY JOHNSTON. +It will be remembered that in <i>Joan and Peter</i>, a +comparatively early work of Mr. WELLS—it was published, if +our memory serves us, before the Armistice—handsome +acknowledgment was made of Sir HARRY JOHNSTON'S administrative +ability and high aims; and it is pleasant to know that in the long +interval that has elapsed nothing has occurred to modify their +mutual admiration.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The firm of Black and Green will shortly publish Lord DYSART'S +monumental monograph on <i>China Tea: the Universal Antidote.</i> +Lord DYSART establishes the remarkable fact that the word +"dyspepsia" was practically unknown until the introduction of +Indian and Ceylon tea. Mr. WELLS, who contributes an illuminating +Preface, points out that the troubles of Russia are entirely due to +the cutting off of the supplies of caravan tea from China (the +leading Bolshevists prefer vodka to tea in any form) and the +consequent recourse to inferior synthetic substitutes. The rival +merits of cream, milk and lemon are carefully discussed both from +the gustatory and hygienic standpoint, Mr. WELLS pronouncing in +favour of lemon, in which idiosyncrasy he resembles Mr. CONRAD and +Mr. GALSWORTHY. The volume is richly illustrated with pictures of +rare tea-pots, tea-caddies and samovars, and contains a set of +humorous verses dedicated to the author by Mr. T. LEIF JONES.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The Right Hon. REGINALD MCKENNA'S new book, <i>The Proud +Podsnaps</i>, will be his first novel, and we hear it is to be +humorous. His distinguished relative, Mr. STEPHEN MCKENNA, Mr. +WELLS and Mr. HERBERT JENKINS have all written encouraging Prefaces +to it; <span class="pagenum"><a name="page309" id="page309"></a>[pg +309]</span> and Master ANTHONY ASQUITH has added two essays on +commercial aviation and a couple of brilliant caricatures of Mr. +LLOYD GEORGE and Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE'S <i>Life of the Kaiser</i> is already far +advanced, but he has laid it on one side in order to collaborate +with Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE in the authoritative biography of Sir +OLIVER LODGE. It is understood that of the chapters dealing with +the physiognomy and phrenological aspect of the subject Mr. HAROLD +BEGBIE will be exclusively responsible for those on the frontal +regions of Sir OLIVER'S cranium, while Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE will +devote himself to the occipital Hinterland. In this way it is hoped +that the whole area, which is enormous, will be adequately covered. +The book will be published by Messrs. Odder and Odder at +10<i>s</i>. 6<i>d</i>.; but a limited number of copies, with +special tambourine and planchette attachments, will be available at +£2 2<i>s</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>To the list of biographies of the PRIME MINISTER already +published or in contemplation there remains to be added one by an +author who veils his identity under the pseudonym of "Mount +Carmel." It will bear the title, <i>Lloyd George</i>—<i>Saint +or Dragon</i>? and will be prefaced by an introduction by Mr. +Stickham Weed, in which that eminent publicist discusses the +antagonism of the Celtic temperament to Jugo-Slav ideals. The book +will be published at Fontainebleau.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The new Cardiff firm of Jenkins and Jones announce a novel from +the pen of Mr. Caradoc Blodwen, who had to fly from his native +village last year owing to the realistic picture he gave of local +life in <i>The Home of the Squinting Widows</i>. It is to be called +<i>Taffy was a Thief</i>; and those who have had the privilege of +seeing early copies of the book, which Mr. Blodwen wrote during his +seclusion amongst the Hairy Ainus, describe it as lurid in the +extreme.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Mr. Cuthbert Skrimshanks's new novel is being looked forward to +expectantly by those who admire the vital and distinguished +artistry of his work. The author, it will be remembered, was +employed in a firm of ginger-beer bottlers before he took to +literature, and Mr. WELLS, who contributes a Preface, dwells +happily on the stimulating and phosphorescent quality which his +literary work owes to his employment, and contrasts it favourably +with the flatness of Eton "Pop."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Yet another Shakspearean volume, which promises to be of +engrossing interest, has been written by Lord BLEDISLOE. It is to +be called <i>Bacon and Hamlet</i>, and Sir THOMAS LIPTON has +contributed an Introduction, in which the organisation of the food +supply in the Elizabethan age is exhaustively described. This +exhaustive work, which is dedicated to General STORRS, the Governor +of Jerusalem, will be published by Messrs. FORTNUM and MASON.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/309.png"><img width="100%" src="images/309.png" alt= +"WHO DIDN'T FOLD UP HIS TROUSERS WHEN HE WENT TO BED?" /> +</a> +<p><i>Nurse (reproachfully).</i> "WHO DIDN'T FOLD UP HIS TROUSERS +WHEN HE WENT TO BED?"</p> +<p><i>Tony</i>. "I KNOW. ADAM. I CAN ALWAYS GUESS THESE SUNDAY +RIDDLES."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h4>"C'est la Guerre."</h4> +<p>A brace of chemists' labels:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>This preparation is issued in amber glass pots, as a War +Emergency Measure, when white glass is not available owing to +shortage."</p> +<p>"War Bottle. Amber glass is not obtainable just now, so we have +to use white glass. May we ask you to grant us your kind indulgence +under the circumstances?"</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"A bullet fired at a pig from a humane killer, struck the wall +of a Merthyr Tydvil slaughterhouse, ricochetted and wounded a +butcher's manager."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>The victim regards the name of the instrument as most inept.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Lord Salvesen, the presiding judge, arrived in Aberdeen on +Monday night, and gave a winner in the Palace +Hotel."—<i>Sunday Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>We hope to meet him in London before the Derby.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page310" id="page310"></a>[pg +310]</span> +<h2>POLLY.</h2> +<p class="center"><i>(With acknowledgments to Mr. KIPLING.)</i></p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I went into a private 'ouse to get a place as cook;</p> +<p>The lady ups an' greets me with a most angelic look:</p> +<p>"I've just been makin' tea," she sez, "I 'opes as you will +try</p> +<p>These little scones wot I 'ave baked;" and to myself sez I:</p> +<p class="i8">"It was Polly this, an' Polly that, an' 'Polly, scrub +the floor,'</p> +<p class="i8">But it's 'If you please, Miss Perkins,' since we won +the bloomin' War;</p> +<p class="i8">We won the bloomin' War, my girls, we won the +bloomin' War,</p> +<p class="i8">It's 'If you please, Miss Perkins,' since we won the +bloomin' War."</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The lady she was out to please; we talked about the weather,</p> +<p>An' when the tea was done we smoked a cigarette together,</p> +<p>An' then we talked o' jazzin' an' the BILLIE CARLETON case,</p> +<p>An' so we come in course o' time to talkin' o' the place.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"You won't mind cookin' lunch?" sez she. Sez I, "Without a +doubt,</p> +<p>On Toosdays an' on Fridays, which they ain't my 'alf-days +out;</p> +<p>An' dinner, too, I'll manage"—'ere the lady give a +grin—</p> +<p>"On Mondays an' on Thursdays, which they 'll be my evenings +in."</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"An' wot about the breakfast?" "Don't you worry, mum," sez +I,</p> +<p>"I'm willin' to oblige you every single blessed dye,</p> +<p>Bar Sundays, when my young man comes; 'e's such a bloomin' +toff,</p> +<p>'E takes me up the river, so I takes the 'ole day off."</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"That's excellent," the lady sez, "I'll easy do the rest,</p> +<p>So if you come, Miss Perkins, you will be our honoured +guest,</p> +<p>For Mr. Vere de Vere an' I do all we can an' more</p> +<p>To please the splendid women wot 'ave bin an' won the War."</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Well, seein' as the lady seemed to 'ave the proper view,</p> +<p>I took the situation an' I 'opes as it will do.</p> +<p>Of course there may be drawbacks, but you can't get <i>all</i> +you wish,</p> +<p>For aprons ain't quite overalls an' cookin' ain't munish.</p> +<p class="i8">It was Polly this, an' Polly that, an' "Ugh! the +mutton's red;"</p> +<p class="i8">But it's "<i>Won't</i> you come, Miss Perkins?" now +we're paid to stay in bed;</p> +<p class="i8">An' it's Polly this, an' Polly that, an' anythink you +please;</p> +<p class="i8">An' Polly ain't a bloomin' fool—you bet that +Polly sees!</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h4>"Les beaux esprits se rencontrent."</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"Persons expressing unpopular views (by which I mean views +opposed to such patriots as Horatio Bottomley, Colonel Lowther, and +our own hon. and gallant member of Parliament, et hog genus +omne)."—<i>Letter in "The Daily News</i>."</p> +<p>"There have been more pig posts than there have been big men +able to fill them.—Mr. Bonar Law."—<i>Bristol Times and +Mirror</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<p>From an article on the Zeebrugge exploit:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"An on-shore wind was needed to carry the fog-screen in advance +of the blockships. Absence of fog was essential. A fog would be +beneficial. These desiderata postulated a concurrence of favourable +conditions, and on April 23 they were not all +present."—<i>Cologne Post</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>We gather that the Censor, shortly to be demobilised at home, +still maintains his watch on the Rhine.</p> +<hr /> +<h2>CRITICISM IN EXCELSIS.</h2> +<p>There was a good deal of excitement in the Elysian Fields when +the news went round that the Committee had exercised their power of +electing a certain distinguished Shade to full membership of the +Asphodel Club without a ballot. The general opinion seemed to be +that the Committee had acted wisely, and that the election was in +every way justified. A few members, however, expressed disapproval, +not so much on account of any demerits of his own as of the effect +that his election might produce on the sensitive minds of some who +were already members.</p> +<p>"This Dr. SAMUEL JOHNSON," said one who had been busy in +canvassing opinions, "is fully qualified for membership, but I fear +he may have a deleterious effect on JOHN MILTON and THOMAS GRAY. +Did he not roughly criticise them in his <i>Lives of the Poets</i>, +and do you think that MILTON is one who will sit down tamely under +the affront? MILTON has been for years and is still one of our most +distinguished members. Indeed, he has almost the standing amongst +us of a highly-respected Bishop. He uses the Club a great deal, and +I fear his comfort will be much reduced by the admission of one who +regards his poetry with a hostile eye."</p> +<p>"In what way," said another, "has the denouncer of SALMASIUS +become entitled to complain of rough attacks? Nor has his character +been assailed. In that he remains episcopal. Only in his poetry is +he made to suffer."</p> +<p>"But he is made to suffer pretty heavily," said a third. "Hear +what JOHNSON said with regard to our friend's +<i>Lycidas</i>:—</p> +<p>"'One of the poems on which much praise has been bestowed is +<i>Lycidas</i>; of which the diction is harsh, the rhymes uncertain +and the numbers unpleasing. What beauty there is we must therefore +seek in the sentiments and images. It is not to be considered as +the effusion of real passion; for passion runs not after remote +allusions and obscure opinions. Passion plucks no berries from the +myrtle and ivy, nor calls upon Arethuse and Mincius, nor tells of +rough <i>satyrs</i> and <i>fauns with cloven heel</i>. Where there +is leisure for fiction there is little grief.</p> +<p>"'In this poem there is no nature for there is no truth; there +is no art for there is nothing new. Its form is that of a pastoral: +easy, vulgar and therefore disgusting.'</p> +<p>"Do you call that criticism?"</p> +<p>"Ah, but listen," said another and much agitated Shade, "to what +he says of our respected THOMAS GRAY. The Committee must have +forgotten how it goes:—</p> +<p>"These odes are marked by glittering accumulation of ungraceful +ornaments; they strike rather than please; the images are magnified +by affectation, the language is laboured into harshness. The mind +of the writer seems to work with unnatural violence. <i>Double, +double, toil and trouble</i>. He has a kind of strutting dignity +and is tall by walking on tiptoe."</p> +<p>The agitated Shade was about to proceed further with his protest +when a sound of cheering stopped him. And lo and behold! an +approving throng was circling round the new member, and in the +thick of it were JOHN MILTON and THOMAS GRAY.</p> +<hr /> +<h4>"For this Relief," etc.</h4> +<p>From a Girl Guides' report:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"The thanks of the Association are due to the following ladies +who have resigned...."</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Sir George Newman and Mr. Philip Snowden have resigned their +membership of the Central Control Board" (Liquor Traffic).</p> +<p>"Caruso has sung at 550 performances."—<i>Evening +Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>All the same, there seems to have been a lack of harmony.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page311" id="page311"></a>[pg +311]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/311.png"><img width="100%" src="images/311.png" alt= +"BUT I THOUGHT HER LADYSHIP WAS AT HOME ON ALTERNATE WEDNESDAYS?" /> +</a> +<p><i>Lady (who has called on two successive Wednesdays, the fourth +and fifth of the month, and has been told each time that Lady +Smith-Robinson is not at home).</i> "BUT I THOUGHT HER LADYSHIP WAS +AT HOME ON ALTERNATE WEDNESDAYS?"</p> +<p><i>Parlourmaid (with dignity).</i> "NO, MADAM. HER LADYSHIP IS +AT HOME ON THE FIRST AND THIRD WEDNESDAYS IN THE MONTH; BUT WHEN +THERE IS A FIFTH WEDNESDAY THAT IS TO <i>OUR</i> ADVANTAGE."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> +<p class="center"><i>(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned +Clerks.)</i></p> +<p><i>My War Experiences in Two Continents</i> (MURRAY) is made up +of the diary and letters of Miss MACNAUGHTAN, written during her +search for work that might help in the great Task. The book, it is +sad to say, must serve as her memorial to those many whom she has +amused by her bright and wholesome stories. Worn out by labours and +quests beyond her strength she fell sick at Teheran in 1916 and +returned to England to die. In 1914 she had done fine service with +her soup-kitchen in Flanders, where her energy and almost too +tender sympathy had full scope and the reward of good work +accomplished. She seemed also to be happy in her lecture tour on +her return to England, trying to arouse the sluggish-minded to a +sense of the gravity of the business. But in her Russian and +Persian adventure it is clear that she was deeply disappointed at +feeling herself unwanted and useless in a region of waste and +muddle. It is probable that for all her courage and unselfish +devotion she was too sensitive to the suffering she encountered +ever to attain the routine indifference which makes work among such +horrors possible. Her deep religious convictions aggravated rather +than eased that suffering. She was honestly old-fashioned and never +took quite kindly to the khaki-breeched free-spoken young women of +the subsidiary war services, had a hatred of muddle and was a +little severe on men, though acknowledging that "young men are the +kindest members of the human race." True this, I should say, who am +no longer young. "The war is fine, <i>fine</i>, FINE, though I +don't get near the fineness except in the pages of <i>Punch</i>." +Charming of her to say that.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The heroine of <i>Miss Fingal</i> (BLACKWOOD) is called by her +publishers "a woman whose distinguishing trait is femininity," to +which they add, with obvious truth, "a refreshing creation in these +days." Really, in this one phrase Messrs. BLACKWOOD have covered +the ground so comprehensively that I have little more to do than +subscribe my signature. To fill in details, Mrs. W.K. CLIFFORD'S +latest is a quietly sympathetic tale about a lonely gentlewoman +(this you can take either as one or two words) rescued from a life +of penury by the will of a rich uncle, transferred from her tiny +flat in Battersea to Bedford Square and a country cottage, +expanding in prosperity, and generally proving the old adage that +where there's a will there's a way, indeed several ways, of +spending the result agreeably. As I have said, it is all the +gentlest little comedy of happiness, not specially exciting +perhaps. I find it characteristic of Mrs. CLIFFORD'S method that +the only at all violent incident, a railway smash, happens +discreetly out of sight, and does no more than provide its victim +with an enjoyable convalescence, and the attentive reader with the +suggestion of a psychological problem that is both unnecessary and +unconvincing. The best of the tale is its picture of <i>Miss +Fingal</i> herself, rescued from premature decay and gradually +recovering her youth under the stimulus of new interests and +opportunities. Whether <span class="pagenum"><a name="page312" id= +"page312"></a>[pg 312]</span> the now rather too familiar +<i>Kaiser-ex-machina</i> solution was needed in order to rid the +stage of a superfluous character is open to question; but at all +events it leaves <i>Miss Fingal</i> happy in companionship and +assured of the success that waits upon a satisfactory finish.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"How can I"—I seem to hear the author of <i>Elizabeth and +Her German Garden</i> communing with herself—"how can I write +a story, with all my necessary Teutonic ingredients in it, which +shall be popular even during the War?" And then I seem to see the +satisfaction with which she hit upon the solution of inventing +pretty twin girls of seventeen, an age which permits remarks with a +sting in them to be uttered apparently in innocence and yet is +marriageable or, at any rate, engageable; making them orphans; +giving them a German father and an English mother, and very mixed +sympathies, in which England predominates; and sending them to +America to pass its novelty under their candid European eyes. Much +of the satisfaction which her scheme must have given to the +authoress of <i>Christopher and Columbus</i> (MACMILLAN) is shared +by its readers, although the feeling that it has been made to order +to fit a difficult market is never absent. For much of the +dialogue, and often when most amusing, does not ring true, and we +are occasionally asked to believe that the twins could be far +slower in the uptake than at other, and less inconvenient, times +they show themselves to be. But the book is another sufficing proof +that the male sex has no monopoly of humour.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Mr. CHRISTOPHER CULLEY, in his rather superfluous and petulant +preface to <i>Billy McCoy</i> (CASSELL), observes that such +reviewers as "may find time to skip through its pages" will +probably call it a Romance. Well, skipping or not, here is one +reviewer who will not disappoint him. A story of a hero who +adventures into sinister places, disregards repeated warnings to +"go back ere it is too late" (or the American for that entrancing +formula), meets there a Distressed Damsel and kisses her as +introduction, and finally, after an infinity of perils, is left +with the D.D. as his B.B., or blushing bride—this I state +emphatically to be not only Romance, but a most excellent brand of +that article. What however Mr. CULLEY seems most to fear is that we +shall think that <i>McCoy</i> himself and the whole setting (New +Mexican scenes) are all make-believe. He need have had no such +alarm in my case. I have, I remember, already commented on the +admirable reality of his cowboys, as exemplified in the hero of a +previous story. <i>Billy</i>, if just a little less convincing, is +in many ways a worthy companion. But Mr. CULLEY'S heroines always +strike me as inferior to his men. They have the air of hanging +about in corners of the tale, and generally of being rather a +nuisance than a delight to their creator. But the heroine of +<i>Billy McCoy</i> makes hardly a pretence of being other than a +lay figure; without her it would be just as entertaining and +exciting, if perhaps less completely furnished for Romance.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>While reading <i>"Q" Boat Adventures</i> (JENKINS) I kept on +telling myself that it ought to be read in small doses if the +greatest enjoyment was to be got from it; but all the same I could +not let it out of my hands. "The 'Q' boat," says +Lieutenant-Commander AUTEN, V.C., "was a 'stunt' possible only to a +nation of sailors. Officers might be found for 'Q' boats in any +country with a seaboard; but men—no;" and I imagine that few +Englishmen will be found to deny this statement. Elizabethan days +for all their spaciousness contained nothing more incredibly brave +than the exploits of these decoy boats, exploits which could only +be carried out if absolutely every man taking part in them played +his rôle to perfection. And it cannot be too widely noted +that after the Huns had become suspicious the "Q" boat had to +invite a torpedo as a preliminary to real business. Officers and +men alike deserve all the gratitude their nation can give them, not +only for their courage in action, but also for their patience when +spending dreary months without getting to grips with the enemy. Few +things are more demoralizing than to wait to be attacked and to +find no one kind enough to accommodate you; but even during all +these long periods of inaction the discipline and keenness of the +"Q" boat crews never relaxed. Lieut.-Commander AUTEN has done a +great service in telling us of these astounding achievements and of +the infinite difficulties in the way of their successful +accomplishment. We may be a nation of short memories, but it is +impossible to believe that our "Q" boats will ever be +forgotten.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Anything more Pettridgian than <i>The Bustling Hours</i> +(METHUEN) cannot be conceived and cannot certainly be written. That +means that Mr. PETT RIDGE'S latest book will be heartily welcomed +and thoroughly enjoyed by the large circle of his readers. Mr. PETT +RIDGE is as good as a tonic in these depressing days, and without +any effort he keeps at a high level of sane cheerfulness. His +heroine is a certain <i>Dorothy Gainsford</i>, who has the gift of +turning up at exactly the right moment and of getting exactly the +right thing done, or more often of doing it herself. She really is +a marvel and the last word in efficiency. There is only one thing +at which I hint a doubt or hesitate dislike. She takes a banjo with +her to a picnic on the Upper Thames.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href= +"images/312.png"><img width="100%" src="images/312.png" alt= +"TYPICAL APRIL WEATHER!" /> +</a> +<p><i>Professor (who has inadvertently pulled the shower-bath +handle).</i> "TYPICAL APRIL WEATHER!"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>There was a young man who said, "How,</p> +<p>With the minimum sweat of my brow,</p> +<p class="i6">Can I find jobs to do</p> +<p class="i6">For a maximum screw?"</p> +<p>So they said to him, "Why not try Slough?"</p> +</div> +</div> +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11732 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/11732-h/images/293.png b/11732-h/images/293.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8cc15cd --- /dev/null +++ b/11732-h/images/293.png diff --git a/11732-h/images/295.png b/11732-h/images/295.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9e30378 --- /dev/null +++ b/11732-h/images/295.png diff --git a/11732-h/images/296.png b/11732-h/images/296.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d3ff873 --- /dev/null +++ b/11732-h/images/296.png diff --git a/11732-h/images/297.png b/11732-h/images/297.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e15718a --- /dev/null +++ b/11732-h/images/297.png diff --git a/11732-h/images/298.png b/11732-h/images/298.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9039413 --- /dev/null +++ b/11732-h/images/298.png diff --git a/11732-h/images/299.png b/11732-h/images/299.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3ddfb2f --- /dev/null +++ b/11732-h/images/299.png diff --git a/11732-h/images/301.png b/11732-h/images/301.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2d46dde --- /dev/null +++ b/11732-h/images/301.png diff --git a/11732-h/images/302.png b/11732-h/images/302.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..08435bb --- /dev/null +++ b/11732-h/images/302.png diff --git a/11732-h/images/303.png b/11732-h/images/303.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ff4291f --- /dev/null +++ b/11732-h/images/303.png diff --git a/11732-h/images/305.png b/11732-h/images/305.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c0c692b --- /dev/null +++ b/11732-h/images/305.png diff --git a/11732-h/images/306.png b/11732-h/images/306.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6574088 --- /dev/null +++ b/11732-h/images/306.png diff --git a/11732-h/images/307.png b/11732-h/images/307.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5b7f721 --- /dev/null +++ b/11732-h/images/307.png diff --git a/11732-h/images/308.png b/11732-h/images/308.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4a410c2 --- /dev/null +++ b/11732-h/images/308.png diff --git a/11732-h/images/309.png b/11732-h/images/309.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..aa276a0 --- /dev/null +++ b/11732-h/images/309.png diff --git a/11732-h/images/311.png b/11732-h/images/311.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6db85f8 --- /dev/null +++ b/11732-h/images/311.png diff --git a/11732-h/images/312.png b/11732-h/images/312.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..730cbab --- /dev/null +++ b/11732-h/images/312.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4ab8b05 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #11732 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/11732) diff --git a/old/11732-8.txt b/old/11732-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8fe8a73 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11732-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2350 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, +April 16, 1919, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, April 16, 1919 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 27, 2004 [eBook #11732] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: iso-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 156, APRIL 16, 1919*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11732-h.htm or 11732-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/7/3/11732/11732-h/11732-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/7/3/11732/11732-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 156 + +APRIL 16, 1919 + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +We understand that a proposal to send a relief party to America +to rescue Scotsmen from the threatened Prohibition law is under +consideration. + + *** + +It is rumoured that _The Times_ is about to announce that it does not +hold itself responsible for editorial opinions expressed in its own +columns. + + *** + +A correspondent, complaining of the tiny flats in London, states that +he is a trombone-player, and every time he wants to get the lowest +note he has to go out on to the landing. + + *** + +In Essex Street, Shoreditch--so Dr. ADDISON explained to the House +of Commons--there are seven hundred and thirty-three people in +twenty-nine houses. A correspondent writes that a single house in the +neighbourhood of Big Ben contains seven hundred and seven persons, +many of them incapable, and that nothing is being done about it. + + *** + +"The Original Dixie Land Jazz Band has arrived in London," says an +evening paper. We are grateful for the warning. + + *** + +Over two hundred season-ticket-holders live within a mile radius at +Southend. We suppose there must be some attraction at Southend to +explain why so many season-ticket-holders live there. + + *** + +We are pleased to be able to throw some light on the mystery of the +Russian who was not shot in Petrograd last week. It appears that he +ducked his head. + + *** + +We await confirmation of the report that an American has offered to +defray the cost of the War if the authorities will name it after him. + + *** + +The Surplus Government Property Disposal Board is making a special +offer of eighteen-pounder guns to golf clubs. For a long shot out of a +bad lie the superiority of the eighteen-pounder over the Sammie cleek +is conceded by all the best golfers. + + *** + +Westgate-on-Sea has decided to abolish bathing-machines. In future +visitors desiring to bathe will have to do it by hand. + + *** + +Mr. KELLAWAY informed the House of Commons the other day that the War +Office has forty million yards of surplus aeroplane linen. It seems +inevitable that some of it will have to be washed in public. + + *** + +A woman aged twenty-six, mother of five children, told the Old Street +police magistrate that she could not read. How she managed to have +five children without being able to read the Defence of the Realm +Regulations is regarded by the authorities as a mystery. + + *** + +At the Royal Drawing Society's exhibition there is a picture painted +by a child of two. Pictures by older artists, with all the appearances +of having been painted by children of this unripe age, are, of course, +no novelty. + + *** + +"Whitehall Wakes Up," says _The Evening News_. An indignant denial of +this charge is hourly expected. + + *** + +A Northumberland man last week declined to draw his unemployment pay +on the ground that he was not actually wanting it. His workmates put +it down to the alleged fact that a careless nurse had let him fall out +of the perambulator on to his head. + + *** + +"Unless Russian women join the Bolshevist movement," says Herr RADEK, +"they will all be shot by order of Lenin." This confirms our worst +fears that these Russian revolutionaries are becoming rather spiteful. + + *** + +A new fire-engine has been provided for Aberavon. As a result of this +addition to their appliances the Aberavon Fire Brigade are now able to +consider a few additional fires. + + *** + +A large rat with peculiar red markings on its back has recently been +seen at Woodvale, Isle of Wight. In consequence much alarm is felt +locally, as it is feared that this is an indication that the rodents +on the isle have embraced Bolshevism. + + *** + +The correspondent who, as reported in these columns, noticed a pair +of labourers building within a stone's-throw of Catford Bridge, now +writes to say that a foundation stone has been laid. + + *** + +Philanthropists are warned against a beggar who is going about saying +that, when wounded in France, he was so full of bullets that they took +him back to the Base in an ammunition wagon instead of an ambulance. + + *** + +The reported decision of the Sinn Fein Executive, that policemen shall +only be shot at on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, has definitely +eased a situation which it was feared could only be coped with by +arresting the instigators of such crimes. + + *** + +In a recent suit for alimony a wealthy New Yorker complained that his +wife used a diamond-studded watch for a golf tee. If she had only +wasted the money on a new ball he would never have complained. + + *** + +Experiments in rat-killing, says a news item, are being carried out at +the Zoo. At the time of writing the reticulated python is said to be +leading the whale-headed stork by a matter of three rats. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: _Husband (just arrived home)._ "WHAT ON EARTH HAVE YOU +BEEN DOING WITH YOURSELF?" + +_Wife_, "ONLY THE COAL-MAN'S BEEN AT LAST, AND I SIMPLY COULDN'T +RESIST GIVING THE DEAR MAN A KISS!"] + + * * * * * + +From the report of a breach of promise case:-- + + "The engagement came about through a chance meeting in Richmond + Park in the summer of 117."--_Daily Herald_. + +Despite the happy case of Jacob and Rachel, we never have approved of +these long engagements. + + * * * * * + +A PAYING GAME. + + When Belgium lay beneath your heel + To prove the law that Might is Right, + And Innocence, without appeal, + Must serve your scheme of _Schrecklichkeit_, + "Justice," we said, "abides her day + And she shall set her balance true; + Methods like yours can never pay." + "Can't they?" you cried; "they can--and do!" + + And now full circle comes the wheel, + And, prone across the knees of Fate, + You are to hear, without appeal, + The final terms that we dictate; + And, when you whine (the German way) + On presentation of the bill: + "_Ach, Himmel!_ we can never pay," + "Can't you?" we'll cry; "you can--and will!" + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE BRIGHTER SIDE OF PEACE. + +I'm not out of the Army yet, but lately I was home on leave. At a time +like that you don't really care about being demobilised just yet. +After all, to earn--or let us say to be paid--several pounds for a +fortnight's luxurious idleness is a far, far better thing than to +receive about the same number of shillings for a like period of +unremitting toil. There you have an indication of the financial +prospects of my civvy career. None the less, to me in Blighty the +future looked as rosy as a robin's breast, and life was immensely +satisfactory. I deemed that I was capable of saying "Ha, ha" among +the captains (though myself only boasting two pips). Then one day, in +the lane that leads to the downs, I met Woggles. + +I've known Woggles for years and years. Some time ago she became a +V.A.D. and began to drive an ambulance about France; since when I had +lost sight of her. I greeted her therefore with jubilation. + +"Oh, Woggles," I cried, "this is a great occasion. How shall we +celebrate it?" + +"Well, if you like I'll go back again on to the top with you and show +you the Weald. But I'd much rather you came home to tea. I _could_ +make some 'Dog's Delight'--s'posing you haven't outgrown such simple +tastes." + +"Oh, if you put it like that," I said cheerfully. + +Well, it was a bitter sort of afternoon and growing late. The +annoyance of Bogie (an enthusiastic puppy) at missing his walk might +appropriately be solaced with portions of "Dog's Delight." It's a +large home-made bun thing which used to delight me as well as Bogie's +mother in days gone by. + +"I ought to warn you," said Woggles as we walked across the fields, +"that Mother and Dad are out to-day. I expect your dog'll have to take +acting rank as chaperon." + +"By the way," I said, "you don't know each other, do you?" I called +Bogie, who was giving a vivid imitation of a cavalry screen protecting +our advance, and made him sit up and pretend to be begging. "Now +fix your eyes on the kind lady," I commanded. "Woggles--Bogie: +Bogie--Woggles. Two very nice people." Bogie barked, put out his +tongue and let the wind blow his left ear inside out. Woggles laughed +in that excellent way she has. + +At the Rectory she sang to me even better than she used to; the +"Delight" was an achievement, Bogie being most agreeably surprised; +there was a glow of firelight such as I love, and a vast comfortable +chair. I felt lazy and very happy. + +"This tea idea of yours was simply an inspiration. I don't know when +I've been so pleased with myself and existence generally. At the +moment my _moral_ is as high as Mount Everest." + +"Yes, I noticed something like that," Woggles agreed. "More tea? +It's only about your fifth cup." Suddenly serious, she went on: "I +wonder--is there much to be happy about just now? Dad thinks not; and +so do I, rather. Do you want to talk about it, or would you rather +find faces in the fire?" + +"Please I want to talk about it." + +"Carry on then. Fortify yourself with that last bit of 'Delight.'" + +In spite of this reinforcement I found it wasn't so very easy to +begin. + +"Well," I said slowly, "I expect the foundation of my _joie de vivre_ +is a great relief that the War's over. Lots of troops celebrated that +with song and dance and so forth on November 11th and subsequent +nights; I'm spreading it over a much longer time. In a way it's like +having a death sentence repealed, for millions of us. Not the heroic +spirit, is it?--but there you are." + +"Of course everyone feels that," Woggles admitted. "Only now that it +_is_ all over, aren't we sort of looking round and counting the cost? +Thinking that all this loss of life and suffering hasn't made the +world so very much better? Look at Russia and our strikes. Doesn't +Bolshevism worry you?" she asked. + +"The fact is," I told her, "I believe I've evolved a philosophy of +life which nothing of that kind can seriously disturb--or I hope not. +It's very jolly to feel like that." + +"It must be. May we have this philosophy, please? Perhaps you'll make +a disciple." + +"It's an awfully simple one really, only I think people lose sight of +it so strangely. Just to realise the extraordinary pleasure everyday +things can give you--if you'll only let them. You compree that?" + +"It doesn't sound very convincing," Woggles objected. "Everyday +things! As for instance?" + +"Oh, what shall I say? One of those really fine mornings; huge white +clouds in a deep blue sky; the feel of a good drive at golf; smoke +from cottage chimneys at dusk; wondering what's round the next corner +of an unknown road; bare branches at night with the stars tangled in +them; the wind that blows across these downs of ours; the music of a +sentence of STEVENSON'S; Bogie here and his funny little ways--Well, I +needn't go on?" + +"No, you needn't," said Woggles thoughtfully and looked at me rather +hard for a space. "We're old friends, aren't we, and all that sort of +thing?" she demanded. + +"What a question! I hope we are. But why?" + +"Well, I'm going to ask you something. But I may say I'm rather +nervous. You'll promise not to set Bogie at me or strangle me with +your Sam Browne?" + +"I will." + +"Well, then, have you been asking Betty Willoughby to marry you, and +has she said 'Yes'?" + +I was amazed. Was Woggles also among the soothsayers? Because a few +evenings earlier, with the help of a splendid full moon and one or two +extenuating circumstances-- + +"But this is black magic and wizardry," I said. "It's a dead secret. +How on earth did you know?" + +"Oh, I just guessed," said Woggles. + + * * * * * + +THE MATRIMONIAL MARKET. + + "Young Girl Wanted, for Wife of Naval Officer."--_Provincial + Paper_. + +The Navy may be the Silent Service, but when it does speak it is very +direct. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE EASTER OFFERING. + +MR. LLOYD GEORGE _(fresh from Paris)._ "I DON'T SAY IT'S A PERFECT +EGG; BUT PARTS OF IT, AS THE SAYING IS, ARE EXCELLENT."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Colonel (back with his battalion from front lines--to +horsey and immaculate Railway Transport, Officer)._ "ENGINES A BIT +FRISKY THIS MORNING?"] + + * * * * * + +PROPAGANDA IN THE BALKANS. + +At the end of September last those whom we in Macedonia had come +to regard as our deadly enemies became our would-be friends with a +suddenness which was almost painful. Kultur is a leavening influence, +and our spurious local Hun in Bulgaria is every bit as frightful in +war and as oily in defeat as the genuine article on the Rhine. + +To escape this unfamiliar and rather overpowering atmosphere of +friendliness our section of the Salonica Force immediately made for +the nearest available enemy and found ourselves at a lonely spot on +the Turkish frontier. The name of the O.C. Local Bulgars began with +Boris, and he was a _Candidat Offizier_ or Cadet, and acting Town +Major. As an earnest of good-will, he showed us photos of his home, +before and after the most recent _pogrom_, and of his grandfather, a +bandit with a flourishing practice in the Philippopolis district, much +respected locally. + +We took up our dispositions, and shortly all officers were engaged +sorting out the suspicious characters arrested by the sentries. It was +in this way that I became acquainted with Serge Gotastitch the Serb. + +When he was brought before me I sent for Aristides Papazaphiropoulos, +our interpreter, and in the meantime delivered a short lecture to the +Sergeant-Major, Quartermaster-Sergeant and Storeman on the inferiority +of the Balkan peoples, with particular reference to the specimen +before us, to whom, in view of the fact that he seemed a little below +himself, I gave a tot of rum. He eyed it with suspicion. + +"What's this?" he asked suddenly (in English). "Whisky?" + +I informed him that it was rum. + +"That's the goods," he said, and drank it. I then commenced +interrogation. + +"You are a Bulgar?" I asked. + +"No," said Serge cheerlessly, "I am Serb." + +"Serb! Then what are you doing here?" + +"I hail from Prilep," he explained. "When Bulgar come Prilep, they +say, 'You not Serb; you Bulgar.' So they bringit me here with others, +and I workit on railroad. My family I not know where they are; no +clothes getting, no money neither. English plenty money," he added, _à +propos_ of nothing. + +I ignored the hint. + +"Then you are a prisoner of war?" I suggested. + +"In old time," he continued, "Turks have Prilep. I go to America and +workit on railroad Chicago--three, four year. When I come back Turks +take me for army. Not liking I desert to Serbish army. When war +finish, Serbs have Prilep. I go home Serbish civil. Then this war +start. Bulgar come to Prilep and say, 'You Bulgar, you come work for +us.' You understahn me, boss?" + +"I must look into this," I said to the Sergeant-Major. "Send for the +interpreter and ask the Bulgar officer to step in. He's just going +past." + +Boris arrived with a salute and a charming smile and listened to my +tale. Then he turned a cold eye on Serge and burst into a torrent of +Bulgarian, under which Serge stood with lifting scalp. + +"Sir," faltered Serge, when the cascade ceased, "I am liar. All I said +to you is false. I am good Bulgar. I hate Serbs." + +"Then you are not, in fact, a Serb?" I said. + +"Nope," said Serge, nodding his head frantically (the Oriental method +of negation). + +"Do you want to go home?" I asked cunningly. + +"Sure, boss," replied he. "Want to go Chicago." + +Boris uttered one blasting guttural and Serge receded to the horizon +with great rapidity. "You understand, _mon ami_," explained Boris; "he +is really a Bulgar, but the villainous Serb propagandists have taught +him the Serbian language and that he is Serb. It is his duty really to +fight or work for Bulgaria, just as it was ours to liberate him and +his other Bulgar brothers in Serbia from the yoke of the Serbs. It is +understood, my friend?" + +"Oh, absolutely," I replied. + +He withdrew, exchanging a glance of hatred with Aristides +Papazaphiropoulos, who approached saluting with Hellenic fervour. + +"You wish me, Sare?" he asked. + +"I did," I answered, and outlined to him what had passed. "Is it true +that propaganda is, or are, used to that extent?" + +"It is true," he answered sadly. "The Serb has much propagandism, the +Bulgar also. But in this case both are liars, since the population of +Prilep is rightfully Greek." + + * * * * * + +Three days later Boris appeared before me with a sullen face. + +"I wish to complain," he said. "You have with you a Greek, one +Papazaphiropoulos. It is forbidden by the terms of the Armistice that +Greeks should come into Bulgaria. Greeks or Serbs--it is expressly +stated. I wish to complain." + +"You are wrong," I replied. "He is no Greek. He is a Bulgar. But the +cunning Greek propagandists have taught him the Greek language and +that he is a Greek. It is really his duty to be the first to rush on +to the soil of his beloved Bulgaria--" + +"Ach!" said Boris, grinding his teeth; "you mock our patriotism. You +are an Englishman." + +"I don't," I replied. "And I'm not. I'm French. We came over in +1066. You ask my aunt at Tunbridge Wells. But the villainous English +propagandists taught me English, and the Scotch gave me a taste for +whisky, and--" + +But Boris had faded away. + + * * * * * + +ALARMING: SPREAD OF CANNIBALISM. + + "AUSTRALIANS IN FRANCE. + + "THIRD OF GERMAN ARMY EATEN." + _Queensland Paper_. + + "THOROUGHLY Experienced Cook. Capable cooking large + family."--_Ceylon Paper_. + + "WANTED, Smart Young Man or Woman, for frying."--_Provincial + Paper_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Born Grumbler_. "FOR OVER FOUR YEARS I'VE BATTLED +FURIOUSLY AGAINST A 'ARD AN' BITTER FOE. AN' 'ERE I AM CONSTRUCTIN' A +WOODEN' 'ORSE FOR THE CAPTIN'S SON."] + + * * * * * + +TO A YOUNG SUB. + +_(By a late one.)_ + + Sublime young Sir, so nuttily complacent, + So airy-poised upon thy rubbered feet, + The cynosure, no doubt, of all adjacent + Regard along that hit of Regent Street, + My thanks. In rather less than half a twinkling + Thy lofty air and high Olympian gaze + Have taught me that of which I had no inkling + Throughout my swashing military days. + + I too (_et ego in Arcadia vixi_)-- + I too have strolled like that in London town, + Demanding homage from the very bricks I + Pressed with my shoes of scintillating brown; + But never till I tried the fair corrective + Of seeing khaki from a civvy suit + Could I envisage in its true perspective + That common circumstance, a Second-Loot. + + * * * * * + +NOT DEAD YET. + + "The Hungarian Soviet Government has adopted a non-posthumous + attitude."--_Globe_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Host (to visitor just arrived)._ "GET YOUR OVERCOAT +OFF QUICKLY, MAN; THEN HE'LL THINK YOU BELONG TO THE HOUSE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE PASSING OF GREEK. + +A great thanksgiving meeting (postponed till "Summer-time" on account +of the shortage of artificial heat) was held at the Albert Hall last +Saturday to celebrate the dethronement of Greek at Oxford. Mr. H.G. +WELLS presided, and there was a numerous attendance. + +Mr. WELLS, while he struck and maintained a jubilant note throughout +his eloquent speech, tempered enthusiasm with caution. The Grecians, +he said, like the Greeks, were wily folk and capable of shamming dead +while they were all the while scheming and plotting to restore their +imperilled supremacy. Indeed he knew it as a fact that some of the +most infatuated scholars actually voted against compulsion, simply to +confuse the issue. Still, for the moment it was a great victory, a +crushing blow to Oxford, the stronghold of mediaevalism, incompetence +and Hanoverianism, and an immense relief to the sorely-tried physique +of the nation. For he was able to assure them, speaking with the +authority of one who had taken first-class honours in Zoology, that +the study of Greek more than anything else predisposed people to +influenza by promoting cachexia, often leading to arterio-sclerosis, +bombination of the tympanum, and even astigmatism of the pineal gland. +(Sensation.) + +Mr. PEMBERTON BILLING, M.P., speaking from the seat of an aeroplane, +said that he had found the little Greek he remembered from his +school-days not only no help but a positive hindrance to his advocacy +of a strong Air policy. The efforts of the Greeks as pioneers of +aviation were grossly exaggerated and, speaking as an expert, he +denounced these literary fictions as so much hot air. There were at +least forty-seven thousand reasons against Greek, but he would +be content with two. It didn't pay, and it was much harder than +Esperanto. + +Mr. WILLIAM LE QUEUX in a most impressive speech said that he was +no enemy of ancient learning. Egyptology was only a less favourite +recreation with him than revolver practice. But Greek he could never +abide, and he was confirmed in his instinct by the fact that at all +the sixteen Courts where he had been received and decorated Classical +Greek was practically unknown. It was the same in his travels in +Morocco, Algeria, Kabylia, among the Touaregs, the Senussis and the +pygmies of the Aruwhimi Hinterland. He never heard it even alluded to. +Nor had he found it necessary for his investigations into the secret +service of Foreign Powers, the writing of spy stories, the forecasting +of the Great War or the composition of cinema plays. He had done his +best to procure the prohibition of the study of Greek in the Republic +of San Marino, and he was inclined to trace the present financial +crisis in that State to his failure. (Cheers.) + +Mr. BERNARD SHAW struck a somewhat jarring note by the cynical remark +that it would be a very good thing for modern sensational authors if +Greek literature were not only neglected but destroyed, as some of the +Classical authors had been guilty of prospective plagiarism on a large +scale. He knew this as a fact, as he had been recently reading LUCIAN +in a crib and found him devilish amusing. (Uproar and cries of +"Shame!") + +A moving letter was read from Lord BEAVERBROOK, in which the great +financier declared that, in arriving at the peerage at the age of +thirty-seven, he had found his inability to read HOMER freely in the +original no handicap or hindrance. He pointed out the interesting fact +that Lord NORTHCLIFFE, who reached a similar elevation at the age of +forty, had never composed any Greek iambics, though his literary style +was singularly polished. + +It was felt that any further speeches after this momentous +announcement would inevitably partake of the nature of an anti-climax. + +The Chairman happily interpreted the feeling of the meeting by hurling +a copy of _Liddell and Scott_ on the floor of the platform and dancing +upon it, and the great assembly soon afterwards dispersed in a mood of +solemn exultation to the strains of a Jazz band. As Mr. WELLS observed +in a fine phrase, "We have to-day extinguished the lights in the +Classical firmament." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Demobilised One (to massive lady about to make her +exit),_ "EXCUSE ME WOULD YOU MIND TREADING--ACCIDENTAL-LIKE--ON THAT +MAN'S TOES? HE USED TO BE MY SERGEANT-MAJOR."] + + * * * * * + +THE TENDER-HEARTED BAILIE. + + "Accused broke down in the dock, and while weeping bitterly the + Bailie fined both girls £1 or ten days."--_Edinburgh Evening + News_. + + * * * * * + + "Lord Burray of Elibank and the Hon. Gideon Murray, M.P., have + recently had influenza and bronchitis."--_Scotch Paper_. + +From internal evidence we gather that his lordship has not yet +completely recovered. + + * * * * * + +SO SOON FORGOT. + + [A cinema has been showing a picture of M. PADEREWSKI, bearing + the legend, "The new President of Poland: once a world-famed + violinist."] + + The President of POLAND + Was born to place and power; + Yet, ere he found his mission + In filling this position, + He was a great musician-- + Men say so to this hour. + But, dash it! while the whole land + Admits his old repute, + It wonders, "Did this fellow, + At whom Queen's Hall would bellow, + Perform upon the 'cello, + Or did he play the flute?" + + The day AUGUSTUS JOHN is + Created Duke of Wales, + His countrymen will never + Stop boasting of how clever + He is at Art, whatever + (Though Burlington still rails). + But one small detail gone is + From their forgetful nuts; + Their recollection's shady-- + Did JOHN'S artistic heyday + Mean costumes for _The Lady_ + Or things for _Comic Cuts?_ + + When HALL CAINE rules a nation + As Superman of Man, + His subjects will assure us + In daily dance and chorus: + "Ere HALL presided o'er us, + Men read him as they ran. + For once his circulation + Spread over Seven Seas." + Yet memory by chance errs + In these ecstatic dancers-- + Oh, did he edit _Answers_, + Or write "Callisthenes"? + + * * * * * + +OUR HELPFUL CONTEMPORARIES. + + "But the most pressing of all the questions with which the Peace + Congress has to deal is the settlement of terms of peace with + Germany."--_Nottingham Guardian_. + + * * * * * + + "LIFE'S LITTLE MARVELS. + + "A family of eight was stated to be living on £3 a week in the + Bow County Court, and counsel said it was a marvel how they did + it."--_Bradford Daily Argus_. + +It is supposed that they take it in turns to sleep on the Bench. + + * * * * * + + "A Republic is derported to have been declared at Zagazig. In + Cairo stdikes have added to the difficulties of the public, the + latest being one by the cabddivers. Crowds ottempted to storm + the Government printing works, but were dispersed by the + military."--_Daily Paper_. + +Not, however, until they had worked some havoc among the type. + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +I was motoring homewards across the old line. A ghost-peopled dusk was +crawling over the devastation and desolation that is Vimy, and in the +distance the bare bones of St. Eloy loomed like a spectre skeleton +against the frosty after-glow. We hummed past Thélus cross-roads, +dipped downhill and, _hey presto_! all of a sudden I was in China. +(No, not Neuville-St.-Vaast; China, China, place where they eat +birds'-nests and puppy-dogs' tails.) There were coolies from some +salvage company all over the place, perched on heaps of broken +masonry, squatting along the ditch side, banked ten-deep in the +road--tall villainous-looking devils, very intently watching +something. I pulled up, partly to avoid killing them and partly to see +what it was all about. + +It was an open-air theatre. They had built it on the ruins of an +_estaminet_, roofed it over with odds and ends of tin and tarpaulin, +and the play was on. There was the orchestra against the back-cloth, +rendering selections from popular Pekin revues on the drum, cymbal and +one-stringed fiddle. There were the actors apparelled in the gorgeous +costumes of old Cathay strutting mechanically through their parts, the +female impersonators squeaking in shrill falsetto and putting in a lot +of subtle fan-work. And there was the ubiquitous property-man drifting +in and out among the performers, setting his fantastic house in order. +We were actually within a mile of the Vimy Ridge, but we might have +been away on the sunny side of Suez, deep within the mysterious heart +of Canton City. + +"Good as a three-ring circus, ain't it?" said an English voice at my +side; "most of their plays run on for nine months or so, but this +particular show only lasts six weeks, the merest curtain-raiser." + +I turned towards the speaker and looked full upon the beak nose, cleft +cheek and bristling red moustache of an old friend. "Good Lord, The +Beachcomber!" I breathed. He started, peered at me and growled, +"Captain Dawnay-Devenish, if it's all the same to you, Mister blooming +Lieutenant." + + * * * * * + + In the year 1907 John Fanshawe Dawnay-Devenish arrived in a certain +Far Eastern port, deck passenger aboard a Dutch tramp out of Batavia. +The Volendam mate accompanied him to the gang-plank, shaking a size +eleven fist: "Now yous, get, see?... an' iv yous gome bag...!" He +ground his horse-teeth and made unpleasant noises in his throat. + +"Shouldn't dream of risking it, old dear," replied John Fanshawe +pleasantly, "not on your venerable coffee-grinder anyhow--not until +she gets a navigator." He kissed his nicotined fingers to the +exploding Hollander and strolled off down the wharf, whistling "_Nun +trink ich Schnapps_." + +Arrived in the European quarter he smoothed what creases he could out +of his sole suit of drills, whitened his soggy topee and frayed canvas +shoes with a piece of chalk purloined from a billiard saloon, bluffed +a drink out of an inebriated ship's engineer and snatched a free lunch +on the strength of it. Thus fortified he visited the British Consul, +and by means of somewhat soiled letters proved that he really was a +Dawnay-Devenish of the Dorset Dawnay-Devenishes (who should be in no +way confused with the Devenish-Dawnays of Chipping-Banbury or the +Devenishe d'Awnay-Dawnays of Upper Tooting; the Dorset branch alone +possessing the privilege, granted by letters patent of ETHELRED the +Unready, of drinking the King's bathwater every Maunday Tuesday of +Leap Year). + +Awed by the name--was there not a Dawnay-Devenish occupying a plump +armchair in the Colonial Office at the time?--the Consul parted +with five hundred dollars (Mex.). Next time the yield was not so +satisfactory, not by two hundred and fifty dollars. At the end of +a month, the Consul having proved a broken reed only good for +five-dollar touches at considerable intervals, it behoved our hero to +seek some fresh source of income. He cast up-river in search of it and +disappeared from civilised ken for seven merciful years. + +In June, 1914, he beat back into port in a fancifully decorated junk, +minus one ear and two fingers, but plus a cargo of jingling genuine +money. He hired the bridal suite in the leading hotel, got hold of a +fleet of motor cars and a host of boon companions, lived on a diet +of champagne cocktails and splashed himself about with the carefree +abandon of a dancing dervish. + +By the middle of July he was "on the beach" again and once more began +to haunt the Consular office babbling of his influential relations and +his "temporary embarrassment." + +When war broke out he had thrown up the sponge altogether and "gone +yellow"; was living from hand to mouth among the Chinese. At the +end of August a ship touched at that Far Eastern port, picking up +volunteers for the Western Front. The port contributed a goodly +number, but there remained one berth vacant. The long-suffering Consul +had a stroke of inspiration. Here was a means of at once swelling +the man-power of his country and ridding himself of a pestilent +ne'er-do-well. His boys, searching far and wide, discovered John +Fanshawe in the back premises of a Malay go-down, oblivious to all +things, and bore him inanimate aboard ship. + +In this manner did our hero answer The Call. + +In due course he appeared in our reserve squadron and was detailed +to my troop. It did not take me many days to realise that I was up +against the most practised malingerer in the British (or any +other) army. Did a fatigue prove too irksome; did the jumps in the +riding-school loom too large; did the serjeant speak a harsh word unto +him, "The Beachcomber" promptly went sick. Malaria was his long suit. +By aid of black arts learned during those seven years sojourning with +the heathen Chinee he could switch malaria (or a plausible imitation +of it) on or off at will and fool the M.O.'s every time. I used to +interview them about it, but got scant sympathy. The Healers' Union +brooks no interference from outsiders. + +"Look here, that brute's bluffing you," I would protest. + +To which they would make reply, "Can you give us any scientific +explanation of how a man can fake his pulse and increase his +temperature to 102° by taking thought? You can't? No, we didn't +suppose you could. Good day." + +One person, however, I did succeed in convincing, and that was the +C.O., who knew his East. "Very good," said he. "If the skunk won't +be trained he shall go untrained. He sails for France with the next +draft." + +Nevertheless our friend did not sail with the next draft. Ten minutes +after being warned for it, the old complaint caught him again, and +when the band played our lads out of barracks he was snugly tucked +away in sick-bay with sweet girl V.A.D.'s coaxing him to nibble a +little calves-foot jelly and keep his strength up. Nor did he figure +among either of the two subsequent drafts; his malaria wouldn't hear +of it. + +I went back to the land of fireworks at the head of one of these +drafts myself, freely admitting that John Fanshawe had the best of +the joke. He waved me farewell out of the hospital window by way of +emphasising this. + +The Babe followed me out shortly after, bringing about fifty men with +him. He strolled into Mess one evening and mentioned quite casually +that The Beachcomber was in camp. + +"How did you manage it?" we chorused in wonder. + +"Heard the story of his leaving China and repeated the dose," the Babe +replied. "Just before the draft was warned, my batman led him down +to Mooney's shebeen and treated him to the run of his throat--at my +expense. He came all the way as baggage." + +Thus did John Fanshawe complete the second stage of his journey to the +War. He did not remain with us long, however; a fortnight at the most. + +We were doing some digging at the time, night-work, up forward, in +clay so glutinous it would not leave the shovels and had mainly to be +clawed out by hand--filthy, back-breaking, heart-rending labour. On +calling the roll one dawn I found that The Beachcomber was missing. + +"Anybody seen anything of him?" I asked. + +"Yessir, I did," a man replied, and spat disgustedly. + +"Well," I inquired, "was he hit or anything?" + +The man grunted, "No, Sir; I don't think 'e was 'it; I think 'e was +fed up. 'Call this war, do they?' says 'e to me. 'I call it blawsted +WORK!' I told 'im to get on wiv it an' do 'is whack. + +"'E chucks a couple of spoonfuls of muck and then sits down. 'I can +feel me damned ol' malaria creepin' over me again, Jim,' says 'e. +'Noticed a Red Cross outfit in the valley; think I'll be totterin' +along there,' says 'e. 'So long.' And that was the last the regiment +saw of its Beachcomber." + + * * * * * + +"Have it as you like, Captain Dawnay-Devenish," I said, "but before I +go tell me, how did you wangle this job?" + +"Any affair of yours?" he sneered. + +"No," I admitted; "still I'm interested." + +He laughed unpleasantly. "Yes, you would be. Always infernally keen on +minding my business for me, weren't you? Well, if you must know, I was +convalescing when these same Chows started a pogrom in the next camp. +I stopped it, and the powers--who were scared stiff--tacked a stripe +on me and told me to carry on." + +"That accounts for the stripe," said I; "but what of the stars?" + +"Oh, them! We were behind the line down south last year laying a toy +railway when the Hun broke clean through in a fog. Remember? I pulled +the Chinks together and we stopped 'em. That's all." + +"Good Lord, that wasn't you, was it?" I cried. "Set about 'em with +picks and shovels, shrieking Chinese war-cries and chopped 'em to +bits. Oh, splendid! But how on earth did you rouse these tame coolies +to it?" + +The Beachcomber tugged his red moustache and laughed deprecatingly. +"It wasn't very difficult really. You see, these birds of mine are +only temporary coolies. In civilian life they're mostly river pirates, +Tong-fighters and suchlike professional cut-throats. Killing comes +natural to 'em. They only wanted somebody who could organize and lead +'em." + +"And you could?" + +The Beachcomber drew himself up proudly. + +"I should hope so. Wasn't I their Pirate King for seven long years?" + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR COURTEOUS TELEPHONE SERVICE. + +_City Magnate_. "YOU'VE CUT ME OFF! HELL!!" + +_Sweet Voice from the other end_. "THAT WILL BE A TRUNK CALL."] + + * * * * * + +SELF-DETERMINATION IN DEVON. + + "At a public meeting at Barnstaple, the Vicar presiding, it + was decided to form a local branch of the League of + Nations."--_Western Morning News_. + +Won't WILSON be bucked? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Little Girl (in foreground)._ "MOTHER, I SUPPOSE THE +BRIDEGROOM _MUST_ COME TO HIS WEDDING?"] + + * * * * * + +THE LAST WATCH OF THE NIGHT. + + The hand of dawn is on the door + That seals the dolorous arch of night; + Dim gardens and hushed groves once more + Dream of the half-forgotten light; + Yet all the ancient fires are cold + On altars battered and forlorn, + And men grope still for gauds of gold, + Oblivious of the imminent morn. + + When comes the dawn? Its unseen dew + Distils on folded swath and mound, + Where grass is deep or sods are new, + And branches shake without a sound; + Where, numberless and low and grey, + The furrows lessen to the sky; + There sleep the sons of England, they + Who died that England should not die. + + Better--ah, better for us all, + For them who sleep and us who wake, + That never bird at dawn should call + Nor golden foam of morning break; + That on one high cairn of the dead + The ultimate light should be unsealed, + Than that the world should live unled, + Unchanged, unpurified, unhealed. + + Life and all things that make it fair + Men gave that better lives might be; + They went exulting and aware + Forth to the great discovery; + But who will prize life over-much + Or deem that death comes over-soon + If hands of fools and barterers touch + The architrave of Hope half-hewn! + + Under a brave new baldachin, + New robes drooped o'er their crimson feet, + The old unaltered twain begin + Their ride along the embannered street; + With golden charms for men to kiss + A-swing from wrist and bridle-rein, + The brethren Pride and Avarice, + The monarchs of the world again. + + If this thing be and no new world + Rise from the old dead world beneath, + Then morning's chaplet seven-pearled + Is made the bauble-crest of death; + All dreams belied, all vows made void, + Pale Hope a wingless fugitive, + And man a stumbling anthropoid-- + Can these things be if England live? + + If England live, the anarch tide + Shall lose itself among her waves, + And the grey earth be glorified + By the young blossom on her graves; + And by her grace no power shall part; + Fulfilment from the dreams that were, + If still the music of her heart + Be theirs who lived and died for her. + + D.M.S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DOVE AT SEA. + +BIRD OF PEACE. "EXCUSE ME, BUT IS THIS THE ARK?" + +MAN OF WAR. "DUNNO NOTHIN' ABOUT NO ARK; BUT WE'RE FOR ARK-ANGEL, IF +THAT'S ANY USE TO YOU."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +[Illustration: _Sultan Addison (his mind on the house famine)._ "TELL +ME THE STORY OF THE PALACE BUILT IN A SINGLE NIGHT."] + +_Monday, April 7th_.--The FIRST COMMISSIONER OF WORKS is determined +that there shall be no slack time in the furniture-removing industry. +To that end he is arranging that the business-premises in Kingsway +now being vacated by the Government shall be filled by the Commission +Internationale de Ravitaillement, that the Commission's old premises +shall then be occupied by the Air Ministry, and that the Hotel Cecil +shall then be restored to its original owners--unless, of course, it +should be wanted by the Department lately housed in Kingsway. "Musical +chairs," muttered Colonel WEDGWOOD. + +That was not the hon. and gallant Member's only contribution to the +gaiety of the proceedings. He essayed to move the adjournment in order +to discuss the situation of our troops in Russia, but was reminded +that there was already a motion on the Order Paper dealing with that +subject and standing in his own name. An attempt to perform the +difficult manoeuvre of getting out of his own light was frustrated by +the SPEAKER, who, to the argument that the motion on the Paper +dealt with a wider subject, replied "_Majus in se minus continet_." +Overwhelmed by this display of erudition, the victim murmured "_Der +Tag!_" and collapsed. + +In moving the Second Reading of the Housing Bill Dr. ADDISON thought +it necessary to disclaim any intention of posing as "an Oriental +potentate," modestly adding, "I do not look the part." He has, +however, one characteristic of the Eastern ruler, namely, a delight in +long stories. It took him two hours to tell the House in melancholy +monotone all about the defects of our present system and his proposals +for removing them. Unfortunately he has not the Oriental gift of +transforming slums into palaces in a single night, but hopes to +produce a similar effect by treating the local authorities with a +judicious mixture of subsidies and ginger. + +_Tuesday, April 8th_.--Congratulations to Lord ASKWITH on taking his +seat in the House of Lords and condolences (in advance) to those +foreign journals which will inevitably announce that the ex-PRIME +MINISTER has overcome his objections to taking a peerage. + +Lord BUCKMASTER'S futile attempt to resist the passage of the Military +Service Bill was chiefly remarkable for his epigrammatic description +of the present SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR--"a man of great capacity, a +man of most restless and versatile energy and unconquerable will, +and of the most vivid and most illimitable and elusive vision of +any politician of recent time." Several public schoolmasters, I +understand, have already noted its possibilities as a suitable extract +for translation into Tacitean Latin. + +Lord CURZON hastened to assure Lord BUCKMASTER that, though deprived +of his co-operation, the present Cabinet thought itself equal +to coping with Mr. CHURCHILL. As for the Bill, there were still +storm-clouds over Europe that might break at any moment; and every +threatened nationality was uttering the same cry, "Send us British +troops." Although we could not respond to all these appeals, we must +have the power to give aid when the circumstances required it. + +Some of our warriors are already experiencing the horrors of peace. +Mr. CHURCHILL has promised searching inquiry into the case of the +officer who sent a hundred-word telegram--at Government expense--about +a dog; and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, on his attention being called to the +forty-three motorcars still in use by the War Office, gave an answer +which implied an impending slump in joy-rides. + +Sir MARTIN CONWAY'S anxiety that an "archaeologically-qualified +official" should be entrusted with the duty of protecting the ancient +monuments of Mesopotamia was relieved by Mr. FISHER. Such an official +had already been sent out--not from the War Office, where all the +"archaeologically qualified" are presumably too busy--but from the +British Museum. Part of his work had been kindly done for him by the +German scientists, who had collected ninety cases of specimens, now in +our hands. The removal of bricks or other antiquities had long been +forbidden--rather a blow to Dr. ADDISON, who in the present shortage +of building material is very envious of the new Bavarian Government +with a bricklayer at its head. + +_Wednesday, April 9th_.--In the Commons Dr. MACNAMARA announced that +the Admiralty did not propose to perpetuate the title "Grand Fleet" +for the principal squadron of His Majesty's Navy. The Grand Fleet is +now a part of the history that it did so much to make. + +On the Third Reading of the Ministry of Health Bill Mr. J.H. THOMAS +made a rather ungracious allusion to the Local Government Board. _De +moribundis nil nisi bonum_ should have been his motto, especially as +the old Department has done splendid work (and never better than in +recent times under Sir HORACE MONRO) for the health and comfort of His +Majesty's lieges. + +If words were as effective as bullets the Bolshevist Government in +Russia would have but a brief existence. The rumour that LENIN had +made overtures to the Allies moved Mr. CLEM EDWARDS to a display of +virtuous vituperation that Mr. BOTTOMLEY found difficult to equal, +though he did his best. Even Colonel WEDGWOOD, though he evidently +thinks we ought to make peace with LENIN, indignantly repudiated the +suggestion that he himself is a Bolshevist. Towards the close of the +evening the HOME SECRETARY declared that no proposals from LENIN had +reached our delegates in Paris--a statement which, if made a few hours +earlier, would have rendered the debate superfluous. In his opinion +the proposals, whatever they may be, had been "made in Germany" and +should be excluded as goods of enemy origin. His statement that he was +deporting Bolshevists every day was satisfactory so far as it went, +but left the House wondering how they had been permitted to get here. + +_Thursday, April 10th_.--The House does not feel quite the same +without its BONAR, who has once more flown off to Paris. Question +after Question was "postponed" for his return. We were informed, +however, that the delay in releasing Charles the First from internment +was due to the necessity of repairing sundry damages to his fabric, +due, I understand, not to Zeppelins or Gothas, but to the corroding +tooth of Time. + +Several Questions regarding an explosive magazine at Dinas Mawddwy +have lately been addressed to the Ministry of Munitions. Hitherto +they have received rather cryptic replies, no one in the Department +apparently being prepared to pronounce the name. But this afternoon +Mr. HOPE, after a few preliminary sentences to get his voice into +condition, boldly blurted out, "Dinnus Mouthwy," and received the +tribute which the House always pays to true courage. + +[Illustration: MODIFIED MOTOR FACILITIES. + +STAFF-OFFICERS PASSING THROUGH WHITEHALL ON THEIR WAY TO LUNCHEON.] + +The LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION, hitherto a dual personality, is now +three single gentlemen rolled into one. Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT has +accepted the leadership of a new Liberal Party, and with Colonel +GODFREY COLLINS and Mr. ALBION RICHARDSON as his attendant Whips, duly +took his seat upon the Front Bench. Someone challenged the intrusion +of non-Privy Councillors into that sacred precinct. But the SPEAKER +dismissed the objection with the remark, "There is more room upon +that bench than on any other, you know." It is expected that, in +contradistinction to the "Wee Frees," the new Party will be known as +the "Auld Lichts." + + * * * * * + + "It is impossible to plough on account of the large number of + unexploded shells and bombs buried in the soil. These are now + being employed by the Engineers."--_Evening Paper_. + +We trust they will manage to avoid the traditional fate of the +engineer. + + * * * * * + +UNEMPLOYMENT NOTES. + +Government unemployees at present engaged in drawing their weekly +donation are requested to call at the Labour Exchange every day at 10 +A.M. Morning dress. + +It is not permissible for applicants to send their wives, valets or +chauffeurs to represent them. + +Smoking is not prohibited, but applicants are requested not to offer +tobacco, cigarettes or cigars to the officials. + +Arrangements are to be made to provide entertainment by means of +concert parties and motor-trips; also newspapers and periodicals, in +which, to avoid annoyance, the "Situations Vacant" column has been +blacked out. + +It is desirable that applicants should not wear fur coats. The present +fashion does not go beyond a grey tweed lounge suit, with white spats +and velours hat. + +A limited number of openings are offered to any who care to act as +batmen to unemployed munition-workers. + +A doctor is in future to be kept at every Labour Exchange to render +first-aid to those who should be offered a situation. + +Applicants are requested not to tease the officials. + + + * * * * * + +JARGON. + +From a speech at a Medical conference:-- + + "He was ashamed of the term 'shell-shock.' It was a bad word, and + should be wiped out of the vocabulary of every scientific man. + It was really molecular abnormality of the nervous system, + characterised by abnormal reactions to ordinary stimuli."--_Daily + Paper_. + +We must try to remember this. + + * * * * * + +A MODEST ESTIMATE. + +From a publisher's advertisement:-- + + "Baroness Orczy has laid the world under a fresh debt of + gratitude. 7/- net."--"_Times" Literary Supplement_. + + * * * * * + + "The question one could naturally put is, 'Has the + millennium arrived, when the lion and the lamb shall lay + together?'"--_Monthly Paper_. + +Let's hope, at all events, that the produce won't be a cockatrice's +egg. + + * * * * * + + "This is the anniversary of the death of Robert Southey in 1843. + Perhaps his most celebrated poem is the delightful 'Ode to a + Skylark,' the beginning of which 'Hail to thee, blithe spirit,' is + known to every school child."--_New York Evening Journal_. + +It seems that Truth still stands in need of propaganda in America. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Amateur Photographer (on a conducted tour in +France)._"CHARMING SPOT; BUT RATHER DISAPPOINTING. I _QUITE_ HOPED IT +WOULD HAVE BEEN ALL SMASHED UP."] + + * * * * * + +FINANCIAL INTELLIGENCE. + +The decision of _The Westminster Gazette_ to return to its old figure +of a penny must not be taken as a sign that prices generally are +coming down. On the contrary there is every indication that they are +rising and will still rise, as the following symptomatic scraps of +news, gathered from all parts of the country, go to prove:-- + +The First Commissioner of Oaths states that "twopenny damns" will, +until further notice, be eight-pence each. + + * * * * * + +A schoolmaster in Birmingham who propounded the old question about +a herring and a half costing three half-pence has been put under +restraint as a dangerous lunatic. + + * * * * * + +If the information that reaches us from a little bird is correct, a +boycott of sparrows is in progress, owing to their inveterate habit of +saying, "Cheep! Cheep!" + + * * * * * + +Mr. HEINEMANN announces that, as a concession to modern +susceptibilities, he has decided to alter the title of Mr. +HERGESHEIMER'S successful novel, _The Three Black Pennys_ to _The +Three Black Half-crowns._ + + * * * * * + +All guinea-pigs and guinea-fowls will from the present date onwards be +two guineas. + + * * * * * + +In the best profiteering circles cigars are now lighted with spills +made of one-pound, notes, instead of, as during the war, ten-shilling +ones. + + * * * * * + +A well-known orchestral leader states that there is a serious movement +afoot to popularise "The Dear Home Land" as an encore for the National +Anthem. + + * * * * * + +The legal profession has long been concerned by the fact that lawyers' +fees remain so fixed in a world given over to flux. It has now been +decided that, although the fees shall remain the same, less value +shall be given. For six-and-eightpence a solicitor will in future give +only half his attention, by listening with only one ear. + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + + "EGGS FOR SALE. + + "Why go out of ---- to be swindled? Come to the ---- Poultry Farm." + + * * * * * + + "IN MY GARDEN. + + "April 4.--Now is a suitable time to saw sweet peas."--_Daily + Mirror._ + +When the stalks are very strong we always use an axe. + + * * * * * + +L'ALLEGRO. + + Haste thee, Peace, and bring with thee + Food and old festivity, + Bread and sugar white as snow, + The bacon that we used to know, + Apples cheap, and eggs and meat, + Dainty cakes with icing sweet, + And in thy right hand lead with thee + The mountain nymph (not much U.P.). + Come, and sip it as you go, + And let my not-too-gouty toe + Join the dance with them and thee + In sweet unrationed revelry; + While the grocer, free of care, + Bustles blithe and debonair, + And the milkman lilts his lay, + And the butcher beams all day, + And every warrior tells his tale + Over the spicy nut-brown ale. + Peace, if thou canst really bring + These delights, _do_ haste, old thing. + + * * * * * + + "WINTER SPORTS IN FRANCE.--Sledges were constructed out of + empty ration-boxes, whilst the old flappers used for dispersing + poison-gas from dug-outs did duty as snow-shoes."--_Daily Paper_. + +The young flappers were no doubt better engaged. + + * * * * * + +PINK GEORGETTE. + +Joyce, at breakfast that morning, had announced firmly that if I +really loved her I would take the pattern up to town with me and "see +what I could do." What she failed to realise was that, if I ventured +alone into the midst of so intimately feminine a world as Bibby and +Renns' for the purpose of matching stuff called Pink Georgette, I +should become practically incapable of doing anything at all. + +The only redeeming feature about the whole nerve-racking business was +that he found me as soon as he did. + +"Good afternoon, Sir," he said in a most ingratiating voice. "What can +we have the pleasure of showing you, Sir?" + +He was tall and handsome, with a perfectly waxed moustache and a +faultless frock-coat. He bowed before me with a sort of solicitous +curve to his broad shoulders, and the way he massaged one hand with +the other had a highly soothing effect. + +"Pink georgette, Sir? Certainly, Sir." To my inexpressible relief he +seemed to consider it the most likely request in the world. + +A moment before I had been drifting hopelessly, in a state of most +acute self-consciousness. But with him to guide me I set off quite +boldly. + +At what proved to be exactly the right spot he paused. + +"Miss Robinson," he called; "pink georgette." + +With a polite introductory wave of the hand he motioned me towards +the lady. He hovered about, near by, whilst I opened the bit of +tissue-paper containing the pattern and murmured my needs to Miss +Robinson. His very presence gave me confidence. + +When it was all over he came up and led me away. As we emerged into +the stronger light near the door I peered at him closely. Then I +touched him on the arm and beckoned him behind a couple of Paris +models. + +I took hold of his hand and wrung it fervently. + +"Sergeant Steel," I said, "you always _did_ have the knack of being in +exactly the right spot at the right moment. I haven't set eyes on you +since that very hot day in '16, when you brought up the remnants of 14 +platoon and pulled me out of that tight corner at Guillemont. That +was a valuable bit of work, Sergeant, but nothing to this--simply +nothing!" + +The solicitous curve had straightened out from his broad shoulders. +His hands had ceased their soothing massage. His heels were together, +his arms glued to his sides, his eyes glaring at a fixed point +directly over the top of my head. + +"Thought it was you, Sir, as soon as I saw you. But of course I wasn't +going to say anything till you did." It was not the ingratiating +voice now, but that rasping half-whisper he always used for nocturnal +conferences in the front line. "Never heard anything of you, Sir, +since you went down with a Blighty after Guillemont. Beg your pardon, +Sir, but you looked a bit windy as you came in just now, so I thought +I'd keep in support.... Yes, Sir, got my ticket last month--only been +back on my old job a fortnight." + +I tapped the parcel that Miss Robinson's own fair hands had made up +for me. + +"This a good issue, Sergeant?" I said. "Sound and reliable and all +that?" + +"Couldn't be better, Sir. I had my eye on her. We only drew it +ourselves lately. That's the stuff to give 'em. You can safely carry +on with that, Sir ... a perfect match ... exquisite blending of colour +... those art shades are to be very fashionable this season, I assure +you, Sir." + +Imperceptibly his hands had resumed their massage, the solicitous +curve had returned to his broad shoulders, his voice was ingratiating +again. + +"We have a large range of all the daintiest materials. I believe our +charmeuse, ninons and crêpe-de-Chines to be unrivalled in town, Sir. +A little damp under foot to-day, Sir, but warmer, I think--distinctly +warmer. Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir, _Good_ day, Sir." + +And Sergeant Steel (D.C.M. and four chevrons) bowed me into the +street. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I DON'T THINK I CARE ABOUT THAT ONE. IT MAKES ME LOOK +LIKE ONE OF THESE 'ERE SPANISH DANCERS."] + + * * * * * + +LITERARY GOSSIP. + +MR. WELLS has a new volume of collected Prefaces coming out this week, +with an Introduction and an Epilogue by Sir HARRY JOHNSTON. It will be +remembered that in _Joan and Peter_, a comparatively early work of +Mr. WELLS--it was published, if our memory serves us, before the +Armistice--handsome acknowledgment was made of Sir HARRY JOHNSTON'S +administrative ability and high aims; and it is pleasant to know that +in the long interval that has elapsed nothing has occurred to modify +their mutual admiration. + + * * * * * + +The firm of Black and Green will shortly publish Lord DYSART'S +monumental monograph on _China Tea: the Universal Antidote._ Lord +DYSART establishes the remarkable fact that the word "dyspepsia" was +practically unknown until the introduction of Indian and Ceylon tea. +Mr. WELLS, who contributes an illuminating Preface, points out that +the troubles of Russia are entirely due to the cutting off of the +supplies of caravan tea from China (the leading Bolshevists prefer +vodka to tea in any form) and the consequent recourse to inferior +synthetic substitutes. The rival merits of cream, milk and lemon are +carefully discussed both from the gustatory and hygienic standpoint, +Mr. WELLS pronouncing in favour of lemon, in which idiosyncrasy +he resembles Mr. CONRAD and Mr. GALSWORTHY. The volume is richly +illustrated with pictures of rare tea-pots, tea-caddies and samovars, +and contains a set of humorous verses dedicated to the author by Mr. +T. LEIF JONES. + + * * * * * + +The Right Hon. REGINALD MCKENNA'S new book, _The Proud Podsnaps_, +will be his first novel, and we hear it is to be humorous. His +distinguished relative, Mr. STEPHEN MCKENNA, Mr. WELLS and Mr. HERBERT +JENKINS have all written encouraging Prefaces to it; and Master +ANTHONY ASQUITH has added two essays on commercial aviation and a +couple of brilliant caricatures of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE and Mr. WINSTON +CHURCHILL. + + * * * * * + +Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE'S _Life of the Kaiser_ is already far advanced, but +he has laid it on one side in order to collaborate with Sir ARTHUR +CONAN DOYLE in the authoritative biography of Sir OLIVER LODGE. It +is understood that of the chapters dealing with the physiognomy +and phrenological aspect of the subject Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE will be +exclusively responsible for those on the frontal regions of Sir +OLIVER'S cranium, while Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE will devote himself to +the occipital Hinterland. In this way it is hoped that the whole +area, which is enormous, will be adequately covered. The book will be +published by Messrs. Odder and Odder at 10s. 6d.; but a limited +number of copies, with special tambourine and planchette attachments, +will be available at £2 2s. + + * * * * * + +To the list of biographies of the PRIME MINISTER already published or +in contemplation there remains to be added one by an author who veils +his identity under the pseudonym of "Mount Carmel." It will bear the +title, _Lloyd George_--_Saint or Dragon_? and will be prefaced by an +introduction by Mr. Stickham Weed, in which that eminent publicist +discusses the antagonism of the Celtic temperament to Jugo-Slav +ideals. The book will be published at Fontainebleau. + + * * * * * + +The new Cardiff firm of Jenkins and Jones announce a novel from the +pen of Mr. Caradoc Blodwen, who had to fly from his native village +last year owing to the realistic picture he gave of local life in _The +Home of the Squinting Widows_. It is to be called _Taffy was a Thief_; +and those who have had the privilege of seeing early copies of the +book, which Mr. Blodwen wrote during his seclusion amongst the Hairy +Ainus, describe it as lurid in the extreme. + + * * * * * + +Mr. Cuthbert Skrimshanks's new novel is being looked forward to +expectantly by those who admire the vital and distinguished artistry +of his work. The author, it will be remembered, was employed in a firm +of ginger-beer bottlers before he took to literature, and Mr. WELLS, +who contributes a Preface, dwells happily on the stimulating and +phosphorescent quality which his literary work owes to his employment, +and contrasts it favourably with the flatness of Eton "Pop." + + * * * * * + +Yet another Shakspearean volume, which promises to be of engrossing +interest, has been written by Lord BLEDISLOE. It is to be called +_Bacon and Hamlet_, and Sir THOMAS LIPTON has contributed an +Introduction, in which the organisation of the food supply in the +Elizabethan age is exhaustively described. This exhaustive work, which +is dedicated to General STORRS, the Governor of Jerusalem, will be +published by Messrs. FORTNUM and MASON. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Nurse (reproachfully)._ "WHO DIDN'T FOLD UP HIS +TROUSERS WHEN HE WENT TO BED?" + +_Tony_. "I KNOW. ADAM. I CAN ALWAYS GUESS THESE SUNDAY RIDDLES."] + + * * * * * + +"C'EST LA GUERRE." + +A brace of chemists' labels:-- + + This preparation is issued in amber glass pots, as a War Emergency + Measure, when white glass is not available owing to shortage." + + "War Bottle. Amber glass is not obtainable just now, so we have to + use white glass. May we ask you to grant us your kind indulgence + under the circumstances?" + + * * * * * + + "A bullet fired at a pig from a humane killer, struck the wall + of a Merthyr Tydvil slaughterhouse, ricochetted and wounded a + butcher's manager."--_Daily Paper_. + +The victim regards the name of the instrument as most inept. + + * * * * * + + "Lord Salvesen, the presiding judge, arrived in Aberdeen on Monday + night, and gave a winner in the Palace Hotel."--_Sunday Paper_. + +We hope to meet him in London before the Derby. + + * * * * * + +POLLY. + +_(With acknowledgments to Mr. KIPLING.)_ + + I went into a private 'ouse to get a place as cook; + The lady ups an' greets me with a most angelic look: + "I've just been makin' tea," she sez, "I 'opes as you will try + These little scones wot I 'ave baked;" and to myself sez I: + "It was Polly this, an' Polly that, an' 'Polly, scrub the + floor,' + But it's 'If you please, Miss Perkins,' since we won the + bloomin' War; + We won the bloomin' War, my girls, we won the bloomin' War, + It's 'If you please, Miss Perkins,' since we won the + bloomin' War." + + The lady she was out to please; we talked about the weather, + An' when the tea was done we smoked a cigarette together, + An' then we talked o' jazzin' an' the BILLIE CARLETON case, + An' so we come in course o' time to talkin' o' the place. + + "You won't mind cookin' lunch?" sez she. Sez I, "Without a doubt, + On Toosdays an' on Fridays, which they ain't my 'alf-days out; + An' dinner, too, I'll manage"--'ere the lady give a grin-- + "On Mondays an' on Thursdays, which they 'll be my evenings in." + + "An' wot about the breakfast?" "Don't you worry, mum," sez I, + "I'm willin' to oblige you every single blessed dye, + Bar Sundays, when my young man comes; 'e's such a bloomin' toff, + 'E takes me up the river, so I takes the 'ole day off." + + "That's excellent," the lady sez, "I'll easy do the rest, + So if you come, Miss Perkins, you will be our honoured guest, + For Mr. Vere de Vere an' I do all we can an' more + To please the splendid women wot 'ave bin an' won the War." + + Well, seein' as the lady seemed to 'ave the proper view, + I took the situation an' I 'opes as it will do. + Of course there may be drawbacks, but you can't get _all_ you wish, + For aprons ain't quite overalls an' cookin' ain't munish. + It was Polly this, an' Polly that, an' "Ugh! the mutton's red;" + But it's "_Won't_ you come, Miss Perkins?" now we're paid to + stay in bed; + An' it's Polly this, an' Polly that, an' anythink you please; + An' Polly ain't a bloomin' fool--you bet that Polly sees! + + * * * * * + +"LES BEAUX ESPRITS SE RENCONTRENT." + + "Persons expressing unpopular views (by which I mean views opposed + to such patriots as Horatio Bottomley, Colonel Lowther, and + our own hon. and gallant member of Parliament, et hog genus + omne)."--_Letter in "The Daily News_." + + "There have been more pig posts than there have been big men able + to fill them.--Mr. Bonar Law."--_Bristol Times and Mirror_. + + * * * * * + +From an article on the Zeebrugge exploit:-- + + "An on-shore wind was needed to carry the fog-screen in advance + of the blockships. Absence of fog was essential. A fog would be + beneficial. These desiderata postulated a concurrence of + favourable conditions, and on April 23 they were not all + present."--_Cologne Post_. + +We gather that the Censor, shortly to be demobilised at home, still +maintains his watch on the Rhine. + + * * * * * + +CRITICISM IN EXCELSIS. + +There was a good deal of excitement in the Elysian Fields when the +news went round that the Committee had exercised their power of +electing a certain distinguished Shade to full membership of the +Asphodel Club without a ballot. The general opinion seemed to be that +the Committee had acted wisely, and that the election was in every way +justified. A few members, however, expressed disapproval, not so +much on account of any demerits of his own as of the effect that his +election might produce on the sensitive minds of some who were already +members. + +"This Dr. SAMUEL JOHNSON," said one who had been busy in canvassing +opinions, "is fully qualified for membership, but I fear he may have a +deleterious effect on JOHN MILTON and THOMAS GRAY. Did he not roughly +criticise them in his _Lives of the Poets_, and do you think that +MILTON is one who will sit down tamely under the affront? MILTON has +been for years and is still one of our most distinguished members. +Indeed, he has almost the standing amongst us of a highly-respected +Bishop. He uses the Club a great deal, and I fear his comfort will be +much reduced by the admission of one who regards his poetry with a +hostile eye." + +"In what way," said another, "has the denouncer of SALMASIUS become +entitled to complain of rough attacks? Nor has his character been +assailed. In that he remains episcopal. Only in his poetry is he made +to suffer." + +"But he is made to suffer pretty heavily," said a third. "Hear what +JOHNSON said with regard to our friend's _Lycidas_:-- + +"'One of the poems on which much praise has been bestowed is +_Lycidas_; of which the diction is harsh, the rhymes uncertain and the +numbers unpleasing. What beauty there is we must therefore seek in the +sentiments and images. It is not to be considered as the effusion of +real passion; for passion runs not after remote allusions and obscure +opinions. Passion plucks no berries from the myrtle and ivy, nor calls +upon Arethuse and Mincius, nor tells of rough _satyrs_ and _fauns +with cloven heel_. Where there is leisure for fiction there is little +grief. + +"'In this poem there is no nature for there is no truth; there is no +art for there is nothing new. Its form is that of a pastoral: easy, +vulgar and therefore disgusting.' + +"Do you call that criticism?" + +"Ah, but listen," said another and much agitated Shade, "to what he +says of our respected THOMAS GRAY. The Committee must have forgotten +how it goes:-- + +"These odes are marked by glittering accumulation of ungraceful +ornaments; they strike rather than please; the images are magnified by +affectation, the language is laboured into harshness. The mind of the +writer seems to work with unnatural violence. _Double, double, toil +and trouble_. He has a kind of strutting dignity and is tall by +walking on tiptoe." + +The agitated Shade was about to proceed further with his protest when +a sound of cheering stopped him. And lo and behold! an approving +throng was circling round the new member, and in the thick of it were +JOHN MILTON and THOMAS GRAY. + + * * * * * + +"FOR THIS RELIEF," ETC. + +From a Girl Guides' report:-- + + "The thanks of the Association are due to the following ladies who + have resigned...." + + * * * * * + + "Sir George Newman and Mr. Philip Snowden have resigned their + membership of the Central Control Board" (Liquor Traffic). + + "Caruso has sung at 550 performances."--_Evening Paper_. + +All the same, there seems to have been a lack of harmony. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady (who has called on two successive Wednesdays, the +fourth and fifth of the month, and has been told each time that Lady +Smith-Robinson is not at home)._ "BUT I THOUGHT HER LADYSHIP WAS AT +HOME ON ALTERNATE WEDNESDAYS?" + +_Parlourmaid (with dignity)._ "NO, MADAM. HER LADYSHIP IS AT HOME ON +THE FIRST AND THIRD WEDNESDAYS IN THE MONTH; BUT WHEN THERE IS A FIFTH +WEDNESDAY THAT IS TO _OUR_ ADVANTAGE."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_ + +_My War Experiences in Two Continents_ (MURRAY) is made up of the +diary and letters of Miss MACNAUGHTAN, written during her search for +work that might help in the great Task. The book, it is sad to say, +must serve as her memorial to those many whom she has amused by her +bright and wholesome stories. Worn out by labours and quests beyond +her strength she fell sick at Teheran in 1916 and returned to England +to die. In 1914 she had done fine service with her soup-kitchen in +Flanders, where her energy and almost too tender sympathy had full +scope and the reward of good work accomplished. She seemed also to be +happy in her lecture tour on her return to England, trying to arouse +the sluggish-minded to a sense of the gravity of the business. But +in her Russian and Persian adventure it is clear that she was deeply +disappointed at feeling herself unwanted and useless in a region +of waste and muddle. It is probable that for all her courage and +unselfish devotion she was too sensitive to the suffering she +encountered ever to attain the routine indifference which makes work +among such horrors possible. Her deep religious convictions aggravated +rather than eased that suffering. She was honestly old-fashioned and +never took quite kindly to the khaki-breeched free-spoken young women +of the subsidiary war services, had a hatred of muddle and was a +little severe on men, though acknowledging that "young men are the +kindest members of the human race." True this, I should say, who am no +longer young. "The war is fine, _fine_, FINE, though I don't get near +the fineness except in the pages of _Punch_." Charming of her to say +that. + + * * * * * + +The heroine of _Miss Fingal_ (BLACKWOOD) is called by her publishers +"a woman whose distinguishing trait is femininity," to which they add, +with obvious truth, "a refreshing creation in these days." Really, +in this one phrase Messrs. BLACKWOOD have covered the ground so +comprehensively that I have little more to do than subscribe my +signature. To fill in details, Mrs. W.K. CLIFFORD'S latest is a +quietly sympathetic tale about a lonely gentlewoman (this you can take +either as one or two words) rescued from a life of penury by the +will of a rich uncle, transferred from her tiny flat in Battersea to +Bedford Square and a country cottage, expanding in prosperity, and +generally proving the old adage that where there's a will there's a +way, indeed several ways, of spending the result agreeably. As I have +said, it is all the gentlest little comedy of happiness, not specially +exciting perhaps. I find it characteristic of Mrs. CLIFFORD'S method +that the only at all violent incident, a railway smash, happens +discreetly out of sight, and does no more than provide its victim +with an enjoyable convalescence, and the attentive reader with the +suggestion of a psychological problem that is both unnecessary and +unconvincing. The best of the tale is its picture of _Miss Fingal_ +herself, rescued from premature decay and gradually recovering her +youth under the stimulus of new interests and opportunities. Whether +the now rather too familiar _Kaiser-ex-machina_ solution was needed in +order to rid the stage of a superfluous character is open to question; +but at all events it leaves _Miss Fingal_ happy in companionship and +assured of the success that waits upon a satisfactory finish. + + * * * * * + +"How can I"--I seem to hear the author of _Elizabeth and Her German +Garden_ communing with herself--"how can I write a story, with all +my necessary Teutonic ingredients in it, which shall be popular even +during the War?" And then I seem to see the satisfaction with which +she hit upon the solution of inventing pretty twin girls of seventeen, +an age which permits remarks with a sting in them to be uttered +apparently in innocence and yet is marriageable or, at any rate, +engageable; making them orphans; giving them a German father and +an English mother, and very mixed sympathies, in which England +predominates; and sending them to America to pass its novelty under +their candid European eyes. Much of the satisfaction which her scheme +must have given to the authoress of _Christopher and Columbus_ +(MACMILLAN) is shared by its readers, although the feeling that it has +been made to order to fit a difficult market is never absent. For much +of the dialogue, and often when most amusing, does not ring true, +and we are occasionally asked to believe that the twins could be far +slower in the uptake than at other, and less inconvenient, times they +show themselves to be. But the book is another sufficing proof that +the male sex has no monopoly of humour. + + * * * * * + +Mr. CHRISTOPHER CULLEY, in his rather superfluous and petulant preface +to _Billy McCoy_ (CASSELL), observes that such reviewers as "may find +time to skip through its pages" will probably call it a Romance. Well, +skipping or not, here is one reviewer who will not disappoint him. +A story of a hero who adventures into sinister places, disregards +repeated warnings to "go back ere it is too late" (or the American for +that entrancing formula), meets there a Distressed Damsel and kisses +her as introduction, and finally, after an infinity of perils, is +left with the D.D. as his B.B., or blushing bride--this I state +emphatically to be not only Romance, but a most excellent brand of +that article. What however Mr. CULLEY seems most to fear is that we +shall think that _McCoy_ himself and the whole setting (New Mexican +scenes) are all make-believe. He need have had no such alarm in my +case. I have, I remember, already commented on the admirable reality +of his cowboys, as exemplified in the hero of a previous story. +_Billy_, if just a little less convincing, is in many ways a worthy +companion. But Mr. CULLEY'S heroines always strike me as inferior to +his men. They have the air of hanging about in corners of the tale, +and generally of being rather a nuisance than a delight to their +creator. But the heroine of _Billy McCoy_ makes hardly a pretence +of being other than a lay figure; without her it would be just as +entertaining and exciting, if perhaps less completely furnished for +Romance. + + * * * * * + +While reading _"Q" Boat Adventures_ (JENKINS) I kept on telling myself +that it ought to be read in small doses if the greatest enjoyment +was to be got from it; but all the same I could not let it out of my +hands. "The 'Q' boat," says Lieutenant-Commander AUTEN, V.C., "was a +'stunt' possible only to a nation of sailors. Officers might be found +for 'Q' boats in any country with a seaboard; but men--no;" and I +imagine that few Englishmen will be found to deny this statement. +Elizabethan days for all their spaciousness contained nothing more +incredibly brave than the exploits of these decoy boats, exploits +which could only be carried out if absolutely every man taking part in +them played his rôle to perfection. And it cannot be too widely noted +that after the Huns had become suspicious the "Q" boat had to invite +a torpedo as a preliminary to real business. Officers and men alike +deserve all the gratitude their nation can give them, not only for +their courage in action, but also for their patience when spending +dreary months without getting to grips with the enemy. Few things are +more demoralizing than to wait to be attacked and to find no one kind +enough to accommodate you; but even during all these long periods +of inaction the discipline and keenness of the "Q" boat crews never +relaxed. Lieut.-Commander AUTEN has done a great service in telling us +of these astounding achievements and of the infinite difficulties in +the way of their successful accomplishment. We may be a nation of +short memories, but it is impossible to believe that our "Q" boats +will ever be forgotten. + + * * * * * + +Anything more Pettridgian than _The Bustling Hours_ (METHUEN) cannot +be conceived and cannot certainly be written. That means that Mr. PETT +RIDGE'S latest book will be heartily welcomed and thoroughly enjoyed +by the large circle of his readers. Mr. PETT RIDGE is as good as a +tonic in these depressing days, and without any effort he keeps at a +high level of sane cheerfulness. His heroine is a certain _Dorothy +Gainsford_, who has the gift of turning up at exactly the right moment +and of getting exactly the right thing done, or more often of doing it +herself. She really is a marvel and the last word in efficiency. There +is only one thing at which I hint a doubt or hesitate dislike. She +takes a banjo with her to a picnic on the Upper Thames. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Professor (who has inadvertently pulled the +shower-bath handle)._ "TYPICAL APRIL WEATHER!"] + + * * * * * + + There was a young man who said, "How, + With the minimum sweat of my brow, + Can I find jobs to do + For a maximum screw?" + So they said to him, "Why not try Slough?" + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +156, APRIL 16, 1919*** + + +******* This file should be named 11732-8.txt or 11732-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/7/3/11732 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, April 16, 1919</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Release Date: March 27, 2004 [eBook #11732]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: iso-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 156, APRIL 16, 1919***</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<center><b>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</b></center> +<br /> +<br /> +<hr class="full" /> +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> +<h2>Vol. 156.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>April 16, 1919.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page293" id="page293"></a>[pg +293]</span> +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> +<p>We understand that a proposal to send a relief party to America +to rescue Scotsmen from the threatened Prohibition law is under +consideration.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It is rumoured that <i>The Times</i> is about to announce that +it does not hold itself responsible for editorial opinions +expressed in its own columns.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A correspondent, complaining of the tiny flats in London, states +that he is a trombone-player, and every time he wants to get the +lowest note he has to go out on to the landing.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In Essex Street, Shoreditch—so Dr. ADDISON explained to +the House of Commons—there are seven hundred and thirty-three +people in twenty-nine houses. A correspondent writes that a single +house in the neighbourhood of Big Ben contains seven hundred and +seven persons, many of them incapable, and that nothing is being +done about it.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"The Original Dixie Land Jazz Band has arrived in London," says +an evening paper. We are grateful for the warning.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Over two hundred season-ticket-holders live within a mile radius +at Southend. We suppose there must be some attraction at Southend +to explain why so many season-ticket-holders live there.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>We are pleased to be able to throw some light on the mystery of +the Russian who was not shot in Petrograd last week. It appears +that he ducked his head.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>We await confirmation of the report that an American has offered +to defray the cost of the War if the authorities will name it after +him.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The Surplus Government Property Disposal Board is making a +special offer of eighteen-pounder guns to golf clubs. For a long +shot out of a bad lie the superiority of the eighteen-pounder over +the Sammie cleek is conceded by all the best golfers.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Westgate-on-Sea has decided to abolish bathing-machines. In +future visitors desiring to bathe will have to do it by hand.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Mr. KELLAWAY informed the House of Commons the other day that +the War Office has forty million yards of surplus aeroplane linen. +It seems inevitable that some of it will have to be washed in +public.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A woman aged twenty-six, mother of five children, told the Old +Street police magistrate that she could not read. How she managed +to have five children without being able to read the Defence of the +Realm Regulations is regarded by the authorities as a mystery.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>At the Royal Drawing Society's exhibition there is a picture +painted by a child of two. Pictures by older artists, with all the +appearances of having been painted by children of this unripe age, +are, of course, no novelty.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Whitehall Wakes Up," says <i>The Evening News</i>. An indignant +denial of this charge is hourly expected.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Northumberland man last week declined to draw his unemployment +pay on the ground that he was not actually wanting it. His +workmates put it down to the alleged fact that a careless nurse had +let him fall out of the perambulator on to his head.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Unless Russian women join the Bolshevist movement," says Herr +RADEK, "they will all be shot by order of Lenin." This confirms our +worst fears that these Russian revolutionaries are becoming rather +spiteful.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A new fire-engine has been provided for Aberavon. As a result of +this addition to their appliances the Aberavon Fire Brigade are now +able to consider a few additional fires.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A large rat with peculiar red markings on its back has recently +been seen at Woodvale, Isle of Wight. In consequence much alarm is +felt locally, as it is feared that this is an indication that the +rodents on the isle have embraced Bolshevism.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The correspondent who, as reported in these columns, noticed a +pair of labourers building within a stone's-throw of Catford +Bridge, now writes to say that a foundation stone has been +laid.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Philanthropists are warned against a beggar who is going about +saying that, when wounded in France, he was so full of bullets that +they took him back to the Base in an ammunition wagon instead of an +ambulance.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The reported decision of the Sinn Fein Executive, that policemen +shall only be shot at on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, has +definitely eased a situation which it was feared could only be +coped with by arresting the instigators of such crimes.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In a recent suit for alimony a wealthy New Yorker complained +that his wife used a diamond-studded watch for a golf tee. If she +had only wasted the money on a new ball he would never have +complained.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Experiments in rat-killing, says a news item, are being carried +out at the Zoo. At the time of writing the reticulated python is +said to be leading the whale-headed stork by a matter of three +rats.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href= +"images/293.png"><img width="100%" src="images/293.png" alt= +"'WHAT ON EARTH HAVE YOU BEEN DOING WITH YOURSELF?'" /> +</a> +<p><i>Husband (just arrived home).</i> "WHAT ON EARTH HAVE YOU BEEN +DOING WITH YOURSELF?"</p> +<p><i>Wife</i>, "ONLY THE COAL-MAN'S BEEN AT LAST, AND I SIMPLY +COULDN'T RESIST GIVING THE DEAR MAN A KISS!"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<p>From the report of a breach of promise case:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"The engagement came about through a chance meeting in Richmond +Park in the summer of 117."—<i>Daily Herald</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Despite the happy case of Jacob and Rachel, we never have +approved of these long engagements.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page294" id="page294"></a>[pg +294]</span> +<h3>A PAYING GAME.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>When Belgium lay beneath your heel</p> +<p class="i2">To prove the law that Might is Right,</p> +<p>And Innocence, without appeal,</p> +<p class="i2">Must serve your scheme of <i>Schrecklichkeit</i>,</p> +<p>"Justice," we said, "abides her day</p> +<p class="i2">And she shall set her balance true;</p> +<p>Methods like yours can never pay."</p> +<p class="i2">"Can't they?" you cried; "they can—and do!"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>And now full circle comes the wheel,</p> +<p class="i2">And, prone across the knees of Fate,</p> +<p>You are to hear, without appeal,</p> +<p class="i2">The final terms that we dictate;</p> +<p>And, when you whine (the German way)</p> +<p class="i2">On presentation of the bill:</p> +<p>"<i>Ach, Himmel!</i> we can never pay,"</p> +<p class="i2">"Can't you?" we'll cry; "you can—and will!"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>O.S.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>THE BRIGHTER SIDE OF PEACE.</h2> +<p>I'm not out of the Army yet, but lately I was home on leave. At +a time like that you don't really care about being demobilised just +yet. After all, to earn—or let us say to be +paid—several pounds for a fortnight's luxurious idleness is a +far, far better thing than to receive about the same number of +shillings for a like period of unremitting toil. There you have an +indication of the financial prospects of my civvy career. None the +less, to me in Blighty the future looked as rosy as a robin's +breast, and life was immensely satisfactory. I deemed that I was +capable of saying "Ha, ha" among the captains (though myself only +boasting two pips). Then one day, in the lane that leads to the +downs, I met Woggles.</p> +<p>I've known Woggles for years and years. Some time ago she became +a V.A.D. and began to drive an ambulance about France; since when I +had lost sight of her. I greeted her therefore with jubilation.</p> +<p>"Oh, Woggles," I cried, "this is a great occasion. How shall we +celebrate it?"</p> +<p>"Well, if you like I'll go back again on to the top with you and +show you the Weald. But I'd much rather you came home to tea. I +<i>could</i> make some 'Dog's Delight'—s'posing you haven't +outgrown such simple tastes."</p> +<p>"Oh, if you put it like that," I said cheerfully.</p> +<p>Well, it was a bitter sort of afternoon and growing late. The +annoyance of Bogie (an enthusiastic puppy) at missing his walk +might appropriately be solaced with portions of "Dog's Delight." +It's a large home-made bun thing which used to delight me as well +as Bogie's mother in days gone by.</p> +<p>"I ought to warn you," said Woggles as we walked across the +fields, "that Mother and Dad are out to-day. I expect your dog'll +have to take acting rank as chaperon."</p> +<p>"By the way," I said, "you don't know each other, do you?" I +called Bogie, who was giving a vivid imitation of a cavalry screen +protecting our advance, and made him sit up and pretend to be +begging. "Now fix your eyes on the kind lady," I commanded. +"Woggles—Bogie: Bogie—Woggles. Two very nice people." +Bogie barked, put out his tongue and let the wind blow his left ear +inside out. Woggles laughed in that excellent way she has.</p> +<p>At the Rectory she sang to me even better than she used to; the +"Delight" was an achievement, Bogie being most agreeably surprised; +there was a glow of firelight such as I love, and a vast +comfortable chair. I felt lazy and very happy.</p> +<p>"This tea idea of yours was simply an inspiration. I don't know +when I've been so pleased with myself and existence generally. At +the moment my <i>moral</i> is as high as Mount Everest."</p> +<p>"Yes, I noticed something like that," Woggles agreed. "More tea? +It's only about your fifth cup." Suddenly serious, she went on: "I +wonder—is there much to be happy about just now? Dad thinks +not; and so do I, rather. Do you want to talk about it, or would +you rather find faces in the fire?"</p> +<p>"Please I want to talk about it."</p> +<p>"Carry on then. Fortify yourself with that last bit of +'Delight.'"</p> +<p>In spite of this reinforcement I found it wasn't so very easy to +begin.</p> +<p>"Well," I said slowly, "I expect the foundation of my <i>joie de +vivre</i> is a great relief that the War's over. Lots of troops +celebrated that with song and dance and so forth on November 11th +and subsequent nights; I'm spreading it over a much longer time. In +a way it's like having a death sentence repealed, for millions of +us. Not the heroic spirit, is it?—but there you are."</p> +<p>"Of course everyone feels that," Woggles admitted. "Only now +that it <i>is</i> all over, aren't we sort of looking round and +counting the cost? Thinking that all this loss of life and +suffering hasn't made the world so very much better? Look at Russia +and our strikes. Doesn't Bolshevism worry you?" she asked.</p> +<p>"The fact is," I told her, "I believe I've evolved a philosophy +of life which nothing of that kind can seriously disturb—or I +hope not. It's very jolly to feel like that."</p> +<p>"It must be. May we have this philosophy, please? Perhaps you'll +make a disciple."</p> +<p>"It's an awfully simple one really, only I think people lose +sight of it so strangely. Just to realise the extraordinary +pleasure everyday things can give you—if you'll only let +them. You compree that?"</p> +<p>"It doesn't sound very convincing," Woggles objected. "Everyday +things! As for instance?"</p> +<p>"Oh, what shall I say? One of those really fine mornings; huge +white clouds in a deep blue sky; the feel of a good drive at golf; +smoke from cottage chimneys at dusk; wondering what's round the +next corner of an unknown road; bare branches at night with the +stars tangled in them; the wind that blows across these downs of +ours; the music of a sentence of STEVENSON'S; Bogie here and his +funny little ways—Well, I needn't go on?"</p> +<p>"No, you needn't," said Woggles thoughtfully and looked at me +rather hard for a space. "We're old friends, aren't we, and all +that sort of thing?" she demanded.</p> +<p>"What a question! I hope we are. But why?"</p> +<p>"Well, I'm going to ask you something. But I may say I'm rather +nervous. You'll promise not to set Bogie at me or strangle me with +your Sam Browne?"</p> +<p>"I will."</p> +<p>"Well, then, have you been asking Betty Willoughby to marry you, +and has she said 'Yes'?"</p> +<p>I was amazed. Was Woggles also among the soothsayers? Because a +few evenings earlier, with the help of a splendid full moon and one +or two extenuating circumstances—</p> +<p>"But this is black magic and wizardry," I said. "It's a dead +secret. How on earth did you know?"</p> +<p>"Oh, I just guessed," said Woggles.</p> +<hr /> +<h4>The Matrimonial Market.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"Young Girl Wanted, for Wife of Naval +Officer."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>The Navy may be the Silent Service, but when it does speak it is +very direct.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page295" id="page295"></a>[pg +295]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/295.png"><img width="100%" src="images/295.png" alt= +"THE EASTER OFFERING." /> +</a> +<h3>THE EASTER OFFERING.</h3> +<p>MR. LLOYD GEORGE <i>(fresh from Paris).</i> "I DON'T SAY IT'S A +PERFECT EGG; BUT PARTS OF IT, AS THE SAYING IS, ARE EXCELLENT."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page296" id="page296"></a>[pg +296]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/296.png"><img width="100%" src="images/296.png" alt= +"ENGINES A BIT FRISKY THIS MORNING?" /> +</a> +<p><i>Colonel (back with his battalion from front lines—to +horsey and immaculate Railway Transport, Officer).</i> "ENGINES A +BIT FRISKY THIS MORNING?"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>PROPAGANDA IN THE BALKANS.</h2> +<p>At the end of September last those whom we in Macedonia had come +to regard as our deadly enemies became our would-be friends with a +suddenness which was almost painful. Kultur is a leavening +influence, and our spurious local Hun in Bulgaria is every bit as +frightful in war and as oily in defeat as the genuine article on +the Rhine.</p> +<p>To escape this unfamiliar and rather overpowering atmosphere of +friendliness our section of the Salonica Force immediately made for +the nearest available enemy and found ourselves at a lonely spot on +the Turkish frontier. The name of the O.C. Local Bulgars began with +Boris, and he was a <i>Candidat Offizier</i> or Cadet, and acting +Town Major. As an earnest of good-will, he showed us photos of his +home, before and after the most recent <i>pogrom</i>, and of his +grandfather, a bandit with a flourishing practice in the +Philippopolis district, much respected locally.</p> +<p>We took up our dispositions, and shortly all officers were +engaged sorting out the suspicious characters arrested by the +sentries. It was in this way that I became acquainted with Serge +Gotastitch the Serb.</p> +<p>When he was brought before me I sent for Aristides +Papazaphiropoulos, our interpreter, and in the meantime delivered a +short lecture to the Sergeant-Major, Quartermaster-Sergeant and +Storeman on the inferiority of the Balkan peoples, with particular +reference to the specimen before us, to whom, in view of the fact +that he seemed a little below himself, I gave a tot of rum. He eyed +it with suspicion.</p> +<p>"What's this?" he asked suddenly (in English). "Whisky?"</p> +<p>I informed him that it was rum.</p> +<p>"That's the goods," he said, and drank it. I then commenced +interrogation.</p> +<p>"You are a Bulgar?" I asked.</p> +<p>"No," said Serge cheerlessly, "I am Serb."</p> +<p>"Serb! Then what are you doing here?"</p> +<p>"I hail from Prilep," he explained. "When Bulgar come Prilep, +they say, 'You not Serb; you Bulgar.' So they bringit me here with +others, and I workit on railroad. My family I not know where they +are; no clothes getting, no money neither. English plenty money," +he added, <i>à propos</i> of nothing.</p> +<p>I ignored the hint.</p> +<p>"Then you are a prisoner of war?" I suggested.</p> +<p>"In old time," he continued, "Turks have Prilep. I go to America +and workit on railroad Chicago—three, four year. When I come +back Turks take me for army. Not liking I desert to Serbish army. +When war finish, Serbs have Prilep. I go home Serbish civil. Then +this war start. Bulgar come to Prilep and say, 'You Bulgar, you +come work for us.' You understahn me, boss?"</p> +<p>"I must look into this," I said to the Sergeant-Major. "Send for +the interpreter and ask the Bulgar officer to step in. He's just +going past."</p> +<p>Boris arrived with a salute and a charming smile and listened to +my tale. Then he turned a cold eye on Serge and burst into a +torrent of Bulgarian, under which Serge stood with lifting +scalp.</p> +<p>"Sir," faltered Serge, when the cascade ceased, "I am liar. All +I said to you is false. I am good Bulgar. I hate Serbs."</p> +<p>"Then you are not, in fact, a Serb?" I said.</p> +<p>"Nope," said Serge, nodding his head frantically (the Oriental +method of negation).</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page297" id="page297"></a>[pg +297]</span> +<p>"Do you want to go home?" I asked cunningly.</p> +<p>"Sure, boss," replied he. "Want to go Chicago."</p> +<p>Boris uttered one blasting guttural and Serge receded to the +horizon with great rapidity. "You understand, <i>mon ami</i>," +explained Boris; "he is really a Bulgar, but the villainous Serb +propagandists have taught him the Serbian language and that he is +Serb. It is his duty really to fight or work for Bulgaria, just as +it was ours to liberate him and his other Bulgar brothers in Serbia +from the yoke of the Serbs. It is understood, my friend?"</p> +<p>"Oh, absolutely," I replied.</p> +<p>He withdrew, exchanging a glance of hatred with Aristides +Papazaphiropoulos, who approached saluting with Hellenic +fervour.</p> +<p>"You wish me, Sare?" he asked.</p> +<p>"I did," I answered, and outlined to him what had passed. "Is it +true that propaganda is, or are, used to that extent?"</p> +<p>"It is true," he answered sadly. "The Serb has much +propagandism, the Bulgar also. But in this case both are liars, +since the population of Prilep is rightfully Greek."</p> +<hr /> +<p>Three days later Boris appeared before me with a sullen +face.</p> +<p>"I wish to complain," he said. "You have with you a Greek, one +Papazaphiropoulos. It is forbidden by the terms of the Armistice +that Greeks should come into Bulgaria. Greeks or Serbs—it is +expressly stated. I wish to complain."</p> +<p>"You are wrong," I replied. "He is no Greek. He is a Bulgar. But +the cunning Greek propagandists have taught him the Greek language +and that he is a Greek. It is really his duty to be the first to +rush on to the soil of his beloved Bulgaria—"</p> +<p>"Ach!" said Boris, grinding his teeth; "you mock our patriotism. +You are an Englishman."</p> +<p>"I don't," I replied. "And I'm not. I'm French. We came over in +1066. You ask my aunt at Tunbridge Wells. But the villainous +English propagandists taught me English, and the Scotch gave me a +taste for whisky, and—"</p> +<p>But Boris had faded away.</p> +<hr /> +<h4>Alarming: Spread of Cannibalism.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"AUSTRALIANS IN FRANCE.</p> +<p>"THIRD OF GERMAN ARMY EATEN."</p> +<p><i>Queensland Paper</i>.</p> +<p>"THOROUGHLY Experienced Cook. Capable cooking large +family."—<i>Ceylon Paper</i>.</p> +<p>"WANTED, Smart Young Man or Woman, for +frying."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href= +"images/297.png"><img width="100%" src="images/297.png" alt= +"FOR OVER FOUR YEARS I'VE BATTLED FURIOUSLY AGAINST A 'ARD +AN' BITTER FOE. AN' 'ERE I AM CONSTRUCTIN' A WOODEN' 'ORSE +FOR THE CAPTIN'S SON." /> +</a> +<p><i>Born Grumbler</i>. "FOR OVER FOUR YEARS I'VE BATTLED +FURIOUSLY AGAINST A 'ARD AN' BITTER FOE. AN' 'ERE I AM CONSTRUCTIN' +A WOODEN' 'ORSE FOR THE CAPTIN'S SON."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>TO A YOUNG SUB.</h3> +<p class="center"><i>(By a late one.)</i></p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Sublime young Sir, so nuttily complacent,</p> +<p class="i2">So airy-poised upon thy rubbered feet,</p> +<p>The cynosure, no doubt, of all adjacent</p> +<p class="i2">Regard along that hit of Regent Street,</p> +<p>My thanks. In rather less than half a twinkling</p> +<p class="i2">Thy lofty air and high Olympian gaze</p> +<p>Have taught me that of which I had no inkling</p> +<p class="i2">Throughout my swashing military days.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I too (<i>et ego in Arcadia vixi</i>)—</p> +<p class="i2">I too have strolled like that in London town,</p> +<p>Demanding homage from the very bricks I</p> +<p class="i2">Pressed with my shoes of scintillating brown;</p> +<p>But never till I tried the fair corrective</p> +<p class="i2">Of seeing khaki from a civvy suit</p> +<p>Could I envisage in its true perspective</p> +<p class="i2">That common circumstance, a Second-Loot.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h4>Not Dead Yet.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"The Hungarian Soviet Government has adopted a non-posthumous +attitude."—<i>Globe</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page298" id="page298"></a>[pg +298]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/298.png"><img width="100%" src="images/298.png" alt= +"GET YOUR OVERCOAT OFF QUICKLY, MAN; THEN HE'LL THINK YOU BELONG +TO THE HOUSE!" /> +</a> +<p><i>Host (to visitor just arrived).</i> "GET YOUR OVERCOAT OFF +QUICKLY, MAN; THEN HE'LL THINK YOU BELONG TO THE HOUSE!"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>THE PASSING OF GREEK.</h2> +<p>A great thanksgiving meeting (postponed till "Summer-time" on +account of the shortage of artificial heat) was held at the Albert +Hall last Saturday to celebrate the dethronement of Greek at +Oxford. Mr. H.G. WELLS presided, and there was a numerous +attendance.</p> +<p>Mr. WELLS, while he struck and maintained a jubilant note +throughout his eloquent speech, tempered enthusiasm with caution. +The Grecians, he said, like the Greeks, were wily folk and capable +of shamming dead while they were all the while scheming and +plotting to restore their imperilled supremacy. Indeed he knew it +as a fact that some of the most infatuated scholars actually voted +against compulsion, simply to confuse the issue. Still, for the +moment it was a great victory, a crushing blow to Oxford, the +stronghold of mediaevalism, incompetence and Hanoverianism, and an +immense relief to the sorely-tried physique of the nation. For he +was able to assure them, speaking with the authority of one who had +taken first-class honours in Zoology, that the study of Greek more +than anything else predisposed people to influenza by promoting +cachexia, often leading to arterio-sclerosis, bombination of the +tympanum, and even astigmatism of the pineal gland. +(Sensation.)</p> +<p>Mr. PEMBERTON BILLING, M.P., speaking from the seat of an +aeroplane, said that he had found the little Greek he remembered +from his school-days not only no help but a positive hindrance to +his advocacy of a strong Air policy. The efforts of the Greeks as +pioneers of aviation were grossly exaggerated and, speaking as an +expert, he denounced these literary fictions as so much hot air. +There were at least forty-seven thousand reasons against Greek, but +he would be content with two. It didn't pay, and it was much harder +than Esperanto.</p> +<p>Mr. WILLIAM LE QUEUX in a most impressive speech said that he +was no enemy of ancient learning. Egyptology was only a less +favourite recreation with him than revolver practice. But Greek he +could never abide, and he was confirmed in his instinct by the fact +that at all the sixteen Courts where he had been received and +decorated Classical Greek was practically unknown. It was the same +in his travels in Morocco, Algeria, Kabylia, among the Touaregs, +the Senussis and the pygmies of the Aruwhimi Hinterland. He never +heard it even alluded to. Nor had he found it necessary for his +investigations into the secret service of Foreign Powers, the +writing of spy stories, the forecasting of the Great War or the +composition of cinema plays. He had done his best to procure the +prohibition of the study of Greek in the Republic of San Marino, +and he was inclined to trace the present financial crisis in that +State to his failure. (Cheers.)</p> +<p>Mr. BERNARD SHAW struck a somewhat jarring note by the cynical +remark that it would be a very good thing for modern sensational +authors if Greek literature were not only neglected but destroyed, +as some of the Classical authors had been guilty of prospective +plagiarism on a large scale. He knew this as a fact, as he had been +recently reading LUCIAN in a crib and found him devilish amusing. +(Uproar and cries of "Shame!")</p> +<p>A moving letter was read from Lord BEAVERBROOK, in which the +great financier declared that, in arriving at the peerage at the +age of thirty-seven, he had found his inability to read HOMER +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page299" id="page299"></a>[pg +299]</span> freely in the original no handicap or hindrance. He +pointed out the interesting fact that Lord NORTHCLIFFE, who reached +a similar elevation at the age of forty, had never composed any +Greek iambics, though his literary style was singularly +polished.</p> +<p>It was felt that any further speeches after this momentous +announcement would inevitably partake of the nature of an +anti-climax.</p> +<p>The Chairman happily interpreted the feeling of the meeting by +hurling a copy of <i>Liddell and Scott</i> on the floor of the +platform and dancing upon it, and the great assembly soon +afterwards dispersed in a mood of solemn exultation to the strains +of a Jazz band. As Mr. WELLS observed in a fine phrase, "We have +to-day extinguished the lights in the Classical firmament."</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/299.png"><img width="100%" src="images/299.png" alt= +"EXCUSE ME WOULD YOU MIND TREADING—ACCIDENTAL-LIKE—ON +THAT MAN'S TOES? HE USED TO BE MY SERGEANT-MAJOR." /> +</a> +<p><i>Demobilised One (to massive lady about to make her exit),</i> +"EXCUSE ME WOULD YOU MIND TREADING—ACCIDENTAL-LIKE—ON +THAT MAN'S TOES? HE USED TO BE MY SERGEANT-MAJOR."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h4>The Tender-hearted Bailie.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"Accused broke down in the dock, and while weeping bitterly the +Bailie fined both girls £1 or ten days."—<i>Edinburgh +Evening News</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Lord Burray of Elibank and the Hon. Gideon Murray, M.P., have +recently had influenza and bronchitis."—<i>Scotch +Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>From internal evidence we gather that his lordship has not yet +completely recovered.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>SO SOON FORGOT.</h3> +<blockquote class="note"> +<p>[A cinema has been showing a picture of M. PADEREWSKI, bearing +the legend, "The new President of Poland: once a world-famed +violinist."]</p> +</blockquote> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The President of POLAND</p> +<p class="i2">Was born to place and power;</p> +<p>Yet, ere he found his mission</p> +<p>In filling this position,</p> +<p>He was a great musician—</p> +<p class="i2">Men say so to this hour.</p> +<p>But, dash it! while the whole land</p> +<p class="i2">Admits his old repute,</p> +<p>It wonders, "Did this fellow,</p> +<p>At whom Queen's Hall would bellow,</p> +<p>Perform upon the 'cello,</p> +<p class="i2">Or did he play the flute?"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The day AUGUSTUS JOHN is</p> +<p class="i2">Created Duke of Wales,</p> +<p>His countrymen will never</p> +<p>Stop boasting of how clever</p> +<p>He is at Art, whatever</p> +<p class="i2">(Though Burlington still rails).</p> +<p>But one small detail gone is</p> +<p class="i2">From their forgetful nuts;</p> +<p>Their recollection's shady—</p> +<p>Did JOHN'S artistic heyday</p> +<p>Mean costumes for <i>The Lady</i></p> +<p class="i2">Or things for <i>Comic Cuts?</i></p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>When HALL CAINE rules a nation</p> +<p class="i2">As Superman of Man,</p> +<p>His subjects will assure us</p> +<p>In daily dance and chorus:</p> +<p>"Ere HALL presided o'er us,</p> +<p class="i2">Men read him as they ran.</p> +<p>For once his circulation</p> +<p class="i2">Spread over Seven Seas."</p> +<p>Yet memory by chance errs</p> +<p>In these ecstatic dancers—</p> +<p>Oh, did he edit <i>Answers</i>,</p> +<p class="i2">Or write "Callisthenes"?</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h4>Our Helpful Contemporaries.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"But the most pressing of all the questions with which the Peace +Congress has to deal is the settlement of terms of peace with +Germany."—<i>Nottingham Guardian</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p class="center">"LIFE'S LITTLE MARVELS.</p> +<p>"A family of eight was stated to be living on £3 a week in +the Bow County Court, and counsel said it was a marvel how they did +it."—<i>Bradford Daily Argus</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>It is supposed that they take it in turns to sleep on the +Bench.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"A Republic is derported to have been declared at Zagazig. In +Cairo stdikes have added to the difficulties of the public, the +latest being one by the cabddivers. Crowds ottempted to storm the +Government printing works, but were dispersed by the +military."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Not, however, until they had worked some havoc among the +type.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page300" id="page300"></a>[pg +300]</span> +<h2>THE MUD LARKS.</h2> +<p>I was motoring homewards across the old line. A ghost-peopled +dusk was crawling over the devastation and desolation that is Vimy, +and in the distance the bare bones of St. Eloy loomed like a +spectre skeleton against the frosty after-glow. We hummed past +Thélus cross-roads, dipped downhill and, <i>hey presto</i>! +all of a sudden I was in China. (No, not Neuville-St.-Vaast; China, +China, place where they eat birds'-nests and puppy-dogs' tails.) +There were coolies from some salvage company all over the place, +perched on heaps of broken masonry, squatting along the ditch side, +banked ten-deep in the road—tall villainous-looking devils, +very intently watching something. I pulled up, partly to avoid +killing them and partly to see what it was all about.</p> +<p>It was an open-air theatre. They had built it on the ruins of an +<i>estaminet</i>, roofed it over with odds and ends of tin and +tarpaulin, and the play was on. There was the orchestra against the +back-cloth, rendering selections from popular Pekin revues on the +drum, cymbal and one-stringed fiddle. There were the actors +apparelled in the gorgeous costumes of old Cathay strutting +mechanically through their parts, the female impersonators +squeaking in shrill falsetto and putting in a lot of subtle +fan-work. And there was the ubiquitous property-man drifting in and +out among the performers, setting his fantastic house in order. We +were actually within a mile of the Vimy Ridge, but we might have +been away on the sunny side of Suez, deep within the mysterious +heart of Canton City.</p> +<p>"Good as a three-ring circus, ain't it?" said an English voice +at my side; "most of their plays run on for nine months or so, but +this particular show only lasts six weeks, the merest +curtain-raiser."</p> +<p>I turned towards the speaker and looked full upon the beak nose, +cleft cheek and bristling red moustache of an old friend. "Good +Lord, The Beachcomber!" I breathed. He started, peered at me and +growled, "Captain Dawnay-Devenish, if it's all the same to you, +Mister blooming Lieutenant."</p> +<hr /> +<p>In the year 1907 John Fanshawe Dawnay-Devenish arrived in a +certain Far Eastern port, deck passenger aboard a Dutch tramp out +of Batavia. The Volendam mate accompanied him to the gang-plank, +shaking a size eleven fist: "Now yous, get, see?... an' iv yous +gome bag...!" He ground his horse-teeth and made unpleasant noises +in his throat.</p> +<p>"Shouldn't dream of risking it, old dear," replied John Fanshawe +pleasantly, "not on your venerable coffee-grinder anyhow—not +until she gets a navigator." He kissed his nicotined fingers to the +exploding Hollander and strolled off down the wharf, whistling +"<i>Nun trink ich Schnapps</i>."</p> +<p>Arrived in the European quarter he smoothed what creases he +could out of his sole suit of drills, whitened his soggy topee and +frayed canvas shoes with a piece of chalk purloined from a billiard +saloon, bluffed a drink out of an inebriated ship's engineer and +snatched a free lunch on the strength of it. Thus fortified he +visited the British Consul, and by means of somewhat soiled letters +proved that he really was a Dawnay-Devenish of the Dorset +Dawnay-Devenishes (who should be in no way confused with the +Devenish-Dawnays of Chipping-Banbury or the Devenishe +d'Awnay-Dawnays of Upper Tooting; the Dorset branch alone +possessing the privilege, granted by letters patent of ETHELRED the +Unready, of drinking the King's bathwater every Maunday Tuesday of +Leap Year).</p> +<p>Awed by the name—was there not a Dawnay-Devenish occupying +a plump armchair in the Colonial Office at the time?—the +Consul parted with five hundred dollars (Mex.). Next time the yield +was not so satisfactory, not by two hundred and fifty dollars. At +the end of a month, the Consul having proved a broken reed only +good for five-dollar touches at considerable intervals, it behoved +our hero to seek some fresh source of income. He cast up-river in +search of it and disappeared from civilised ken for seven merciful +years.</p> +<p>In June, 1914, he beat back into port in a fancifully decorated +junk, minus one ear and two fingers, but plus a cargo of jingling +genuine money. He hired the bridal suite in the leading hotel, got +hold of a fleet of motor cars and a host of boon companions, lived +on a diet of champagne cocktails and splashed himself about with +the carefree abandon of a dancing dervish.</p> +<p>By the middle of July he was "on the beach" again and once more +began to haunt the Consular office babbling of his influential +relations and his "temporary embarrassment."</p> +<p>When war broke out he had thrown up the sponge altogether and +"gone yellow"; was living from hand to mouth among the Chinese. At +the end of August a ship touched at that Far Eastern port, picking +up volunteers for the Western Front. The port contributed a goodly +number, but there remained one berth vacant. The long-suffering +Consul had a stroke of inspiration. Here was a means of at once +swelling the man-power of his country and ridding himself of a +pestilent ne'er-do-well. His boys, searching far and wide, +discovered John Fanshawe in the back premises of a Malay go-down, +oblivious to all things, and bore him inanimate aboard ship.</p> +<p>In this manner did our hero answer The Call.</p> +<p>In due course he appeared in our reserve squadron and was +detailed to my troop. It did not take me many days to realise that +I was up against the most practised malingerer in the British (or +any other) army. Did a fatigue prove too irksome; did the jumps in +the riding-school loom too large; did the serjeant speak a harsh +word unto him, "The Beachcomber" promptly went sick. Malaria was +his long suit. By aid of black arts learned during those seven +years sojourning with the heathen Chinee he could switch malaria +(or a plausible imitation of it) on or off at will and fool the +M.O.'s every time. I used to interview them about it, but got scant +sympathy. The Healers' Union brooks no interference from +outsiders.</p> +<p>"Look here, that brute's bluffing you," I would protest.</p> +<p>To which they would make reply, "Can you give us any scientific +explanation of how a man can fake his pulse and increase his +temperature to 102° by taking thought? You can't? No, we didn't +suppose you could. Good day."</p> +<p>One person, however, I did succeed in convincing, and that was +the C.O., who knew his East. "Very good," said he. "If the skunk +won't be trained he shall go untrained. He sails for France with +the next draft."</p> +<p>Nevertheless our friend did not sail with the next draft. Ten +minutes after being warned for it, the old complaint caught him +again, and when the band played our lads out of barracks he was +snugly tucked away in sick-bay with sweet girl V.A.D.'s coaxing him +to nibble a little calves-foot jelly and keep his strength up. Nor +did he figure among either of the two subsequent drafts; his +malaria wouldn't hear of it.</p> +<p>I went back to the land of fireworks at the head of one of these +drafts myself, freely admitting that John Fanshawe had the best of +the joke. He waved me farewell out of the hospital window by way of +emphasising this.</p> +<p>The Babe followed me out shortly after, bringing about fifty men +with him. He strolled into Mess one evening and mentioned quite +casually that The Beachcomber was in camp.</p> +<p>"How did you manage it?" we chorused in wonder.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page301" id="page301"></a>[pg +301]</span> +<p>"Heard the story of his leaving China and repeated the dose," +the Babe replied. "Just before the draft was warned, my batman led +him down to Mooney's shebeen and treated him to the run of his +throat—at my expense. He came all the way as baggage."</p> +<p>Thus did John Fanshawe complete the second stage of his journey +to the War. He did not remain with us long, however; a fortnight at +the most.</p> +<p>We were doing some digging at the time, night-work, up forward, +in clay so glutinous it would not leave the shovels and had mainly +to be clawed out by hand—filthy, back-breaking, heart-rending +labour. On calling the roll one dawn I found that The Beachcomber +was missing.</p> +<p>"Anybody seen anything of him?" I asked.</p> +<p>"Yessir, I did," a man replied, and spat disgustedly.</p> +<p>"Well," I inquired, "was he hit or anything?"</p> +<p>The man grunted, "No, Sir; I don't think 'e was 'it; I think 'e +was fed up. 'Call this war, do they?' says 'e to me. 'I call it +blawsted WORK!' I told 'im to get on wiv it an' do 'is whack.</p> +<p>"'E chucks a couple of spoonfuls of muck and then sits down. 'I +can feel me damned ol' malaria creepin' over me again, Jim,' says +'e. 'Noticed a Red Cross outfit in the valley; think I'll be +totterin' along there,' says 'e. 'So long.' And that was the last +the regiment saw of its Beachcomber."</p> +<hr /> +<p>"Have it as you like, Captain Dawnay-Devenish," I said, "but +before I go tell me, how did you wangle this job?"</p> +<p>"Any affair of yours?" he sneered.</p> +<p>"No," I admitted; "still I'm interested."</p> +<p>He laughed unpleasantly. "Yes, you would be. Always infernally +keen on minding my business for me, weren't you? Well, if you must +know, I was convalescing when these same Chows started a pogrom in +the next camp. I stopped it, and the powers—who were scared +stiff—tacked a stripe on me and told me to carry on."</p> +<p>"That accounts for the stripe," said I; "but what of the +stars?"</p> +<p>"Oh, them! We were behind the line down south last year laying a +toy railway when the Hun broke clean through in a fog. Remember? I +pulled the Chinks together and we stopped 'em. That's all."</p> +<p>"Good Lord, that wasn't you, was it?" I cried. "Set about 'em +with picks and shovels, shrieking Chinese war-cries and chopped 'em +to bits. Oh, splendid! But how on earth did you rouse these tame +coolies to it?"</p> +<p>The Beachcomber tugged his red moustache and laughed +deprecatingly. "It wasn't very difficult really. You see, these +birds of mine are only temporary coolies. In civilian life they're +mostly river pirates, Tong-fighters and suchlike professional +cut-throats. Killing comes natural to 'em. They only wanted +somebody who could organize and lead 'em."</p> +<p>"And you could?"</p> +<p>The Beachcomber drew himself up proudly.</p> +<p>"I should hope so. Wasn't I their Pirate King for seven long +years?"</p> +<p>PATLANDER.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/301.png"><img width="100%" src="images/301.png" alt= +"OUR COURTEOUS TELEPHONE SERVICE." /> +</a> +<h3>OUR COURTEOUS TELEPHONE SERVICE.</h3> +<p><i>City Magnate</i>. "YOU'VE CUT ME OFF! +HELL!!" <i>Sweet Voice from the other +end</i>. "THAT WILL BE A TRUNK CALL."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h4>Self-Determination in Devon.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"At a public meeting at Barnstaple, the Vicar presiding, it was +decided to form a local branch of the League of +Nations."—<i>Western Morning News</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Won't WILSON be bucked?</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page302" id="page302"></a>[pg +302]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/302.png"><img width="100%" src="images/302.png" alt= +"'MOTHER, I SUPPOSE THE BRIDEGROOM _MUST_ COME TO HIS WEDDING?'" /> +</a> +<i>Little Girl (in foreground).</i> "MOTHER, I SUPPOSE THE +BRIDEGROOM <i>MUST</i> COME TO HIS WEDDING?"</div> +<hr /> +<h2>THE LAST WATCH OF THE NIGHT.</h2> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The hand of dawn is on the door</p> +<p class="i2">That seals the dolorous arch of night;</p> +<p>Dim gardens and hushed groves once more</p> +<p class="i2">Dream of the half-forgotten light;</p> +<p>Yet all the ancient fires are cold</p> +<p class="i2">On altars battered and forlorn,</p> +<p>And men grope still for gauds of gold,</p> +<p class="i2">Oblivious of the imminent morn.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>When comes the dawn? Its unseen dew</p> +<p class="i2">Distils on folded swath and mound,</p> +<p>Where grass is deep or sods are new,</p> +<p class="i2">And branches shake without a sound;</p> +<p>Where, numberless and low and grey,</p> +<p class="i2">The furrows lessen to the sky;</p> +<p>There sleep the sons of England, they</p> +<p class="i2">Who died that England should not die.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Better—ah, better for us all,</p> +<p class="i2">For them who sleep and us who wake,</p> +<p>That never bird at dawn should call</p> +<p class="i2">Nor golden foam of morning break;</p> +<p>That on one high cairn of the dead</p> +<p class="i2">The ultimate light should be unsealed,</p> +<p>Than that the world should live unled,</p> +<p class="i2">Unchanged, unpurified, unhealed.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Life and all things that make it fair</p> +<p class="i2">Men gave that better lives might be;</p> +<p>They went exulting and aware</p> +<p class="i2">Forth to the great discovery;</p> +<p>But who will prize life over-much</p> +<p class="i2">Or deem that death comes over-soon</p> +<p>If hands of fools and barterers touch</p> +<p class="i2">The architrave of Hope half-hewn!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Under a brave new baldachin,</p> +<p class="i2">New robes drooped o'er their crimson feet,</p> +<p>The old unaltered twain begin</p> +<p class="i2">Their ride along the embannered street;</p> +<p>With golden charms for men to kiss</p> +<p class="i2">A-swing from wrist and bridle-rein,</p> +<p>The brethren Pride and Avarice,</p> +<p class="i2">The monarchs of the world again.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>If this thing be and no new world</p> +<p class="i2">Rise from the old dead world beneath,</p> +<p>Then morning's chaplet seven-pearled</p> +<p class="i2">Is made the bauble-crest of death;</p> +<p>All dreams belied, all vows made void,</p> +<p class="i2">Pale Hope a wingless fugitive,</p> +<p>And man a stumbling anthropoid—</p> +<p class="i2">Can these things be if England live?</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>If England live, the anarch tide</p> +<p class="i2">Shall lose itself among her waves,</p> +<p>And the grey earth be glorified</p> +<p class="i2">By the young blossom on her graves;</p> +<p>And by her grace no power shall part;</p> +<p class="i2">Fulfilment from the dreams that were,</p> +<p>If still the music of her heart</p> +<p class="i2">Be theirs who lived and died for her.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>D.M.S.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page303" id="page303"></a>[pg +303]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/303.png"><img width="100%" src="images/303.png" alt= +"THE DOVE AT SEA." /> +</a> +<h3>THE DOVE AT SEA.</h3> +<p>BIRD OF PEACE. "EXCUSE ME, BUT IS THIS THE ARK?"</p> +<p>MAN OF WAR. "DUNNO NOTHIN' ABOUT NO ARK; BUT WE'RE FOR +ARK-ANGEL, IF THAT'S ANY USE TO YOU."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<!--Blank Page 304--> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page305" id="page305"></a>[pg +305]</span> +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/305.png"><img width="100%" src="images/305.png" alt= +"TELL ME THE STORY OF THE PALACE BUILT IN A SINGLE NIGHT." /> +</a> +<i>Sultan Addison (his mind on the house famine).</i> "TELL ME THE +STORY OF THE PALACE BUILT IN A SINGLE NIGHT."</div> +<p><i>Monday, April 7th</i>.—The FIRST COMMISSIONER OF WORKS +is determined that there shall be no slack time in the +furniture-removing industry. To that end he is arranging that the +business-premises in Kingsway now being vacated by the Government +shall be filled by the Commission Internationale de Ravitaillement, +that the Commission's old premises shall then be occupied by the +Air Ministry, and that the Hotel Cecil shall then be restored to +its original owners—unless, of course, it should be wanted by +the Department lately housed in Kingsway. "Musical chairs," +muttered Colonel WEDGWOOD.</p> +<p>That was not the hon. and gallant Member's only contribution to +the gaiety of the proceedings. He essayed to move the adjournment +in order to discuss the situation of our troops in Russia, but was +reminded that there was already a motion on the Order Paper dealing +with that subject and standing in his own name. An attempt to +perform the difficult manoeuvre of getting out of his own light was +frustrated by the SPEAKER, who, to the argument that the motion on +the Paper dealt with a wider subject, replied "<i>Majus in se minus +continet</i>." Overwhelmed by this display of erudition, the victim +murmured "<i>Der Tag!</i>" and collapsed.</p> +<p>In moving the Second Reading of the Housing Bill Dr. ADDISON +thought it necessary to disclaim any intention of posing as "an +Oriental potentate," modestly adding, "I do not look the part." He +has, however, one characteristic of the Eastern ruler, namely, a +delight in long stories. It took him two hours to tell the House in +melancholy monotone all about the defects of our present system and +his proposals for removing them. Unfortunately he has not the +Oriental gift of transforming slums into palaces in a single night, +but hopes to produce a similar effect by treating the local +authorities with a judicious mixture of subsidies and ginger.</p> +<p><i>Tuesday, April 8th</i>.—Congratulations to Lord ASKWITH +on taking his seat in the House of Lords and condolences (in +advance) to those foreign journals which will inevitably announce +that the ex-PRIME MINISTER has overcome his objections to taking a +peerage.</p> +<p>Lord BUCKMASTER'S futile attempt to resist the passage of the +Military Service Bill was chiefly remarkable for his epigrammatic +description of the present SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR—"a man +of great capacity, a man of most restless and versatile energy and +unconquerable will, and of the most vivid and most illimitable and +elusive vision of any politician of recent time." Several public +schoolmasters, I understand, have already noted its possibilities +as a suitable extract for translation into Tacitean Latin.</p> +<p>Lord CURZON hastened to assure Lord BUCKMASTER that, though +deprived of his co-operation, the present Cabinet thought itself +equal to coping with Mr. CHURCHILL. As for the Bill, there were +still storm-clouds over Europe that might break at any moment; and +every threatened nationality was uttering the same cry, "Send us +British troops." Although we could not respond to all these +appeals, we must have the power to give aid when the circumstances +required it.</p> +<p>Some of our warriors are already experiencing the horrors of +peace. Mr. CHURCHILL has promised searching inquiry into the case +of the officer who sent a hundred-word telegram—at Government +expense—about a dog; and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, on his attention +being called to the forty-three motorcars still in use by the War +Office, gave an answer which implied an impending slump in +joy-rides.</p> +<p>Sir MARTIN CONWAY'S anxiety that an "archaeologically-qualified +official" should be entrusted with the duty of protecting the +ancient monuments of Mesopotamia was relieved by Mr. FISHER. Such +an official had already been sent out—not from the War +Office, where all the "archaeologically <span class= +"pagenum"><a name="page306" id="page306"></a>[pg 306]</span> +qualified" are presumably too busy—but from the British +Museum. Part of his work had been kindly done for him by the German +scientists, who had collected ninety cases of specimens, now in our +hands. The removal of bricks or other antiquities had long been +forbidden—rather a blow to Dr. ADDISON, who in the present +shortage of building material is very envious of the new Bavarian +Government with a bricklayer at its head.</p> +<div class="figright" style="width:50%;"><a href= +"images/306.png"><img width="100%" src="images/306.png" alt= +"MODIFIED MOTOR FACILITIES." /> +</a> +<h4>MODIFIED MOTOR FACILITIES.</h4> +STAFF-OFFICERS PASSING THROUGH WHITEHALL ON THEIR WAY TO +LUNCHEON.</div> +<p><i>Wednesday, April 9th</i>.—In the Commons Dr. MACNAMARA +announced that the Admiralty did not propose to perpetuate the +title "Grand Fleet" for the principal squadron of His Majesty's +Navy. The Grand Fleet is now a part of the history that it did so +much to make.</p> +<p>On the Third Reading of the Ministry of Health Bill Mr. J.H. +THOMAS made a rather ungracious allusion to the Local Government +Board. <i>De moribundis nil nisi bonum</i> should have been his +motto, especially as the old Department has done splendid work (and +never better than in recent times under Sir HORACE MONRO) for the +health and comfort of His Majesty's lieges.</p> +<p>If words were as effective as bullets the Bolshevist Government +in Russia would have but a brief existence. The rumour that LENIN +had made overtures to the Allies moved Mr. CLEM EDWARDS to a +display of virtuous vituperation that Mr. BOTTOMLEY found difficult +to equal, though he did his best. Even Colonel WEDGWOOD, though he +evidently thinks we ought to make peace with LENIN, indignantly +repudiated the suggestion that he himself is a Bolshevist. Towards +the close of the evening the HOME SECRETARY declared that no +proposals from LENIN had reached our delegates in Paris—a +statement which, if made a few hours earlier, would have rendered +the debate superfluous. In his opinion the proposals, whatever they +may be, had been "made in Germany" and should be excluded as goods +of enemy origin. His statement that he was deporting Bolshevists +every day was satisfactory so far as it went, but left the House +wondering how they had been permitted to get here.</p> +<p><i>Thursday, April 10th</i>.—The House does not feel quite +the same without its BONAR, who has once more flown off to Paris. +Question after Question was "postponed" for his return. We were +informed, however, that the delay in releasing Charles the First +from internment was due to the necessity of repairing sundry +damages to his fabric, due, I understand, not to Zeppelins or +Gothas, but to the corroding tooth of Time.</p> +<p>Several Questions regarding an explosive magazine at Dinas +Mawddwy have lately been addressed to the Ministry of Munitions. +Hitherto they have received rather cryptic replies, no one in the +Department apparently being prepared to pronounce the name. But +this afternoon Mr. HOPE, after a few preliminary sentences to get +his voice into condition, boldly blurted out, "Dinnus Mouthwy," and +received the tribute which the House always pays to true +courage.</p> +<p>The LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION, hitherto a dual personality, is +now three single gentlemen rolled into one. Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT has +accepted the leadership of a new Liberal Party, and with Colonel +GODFREY COLLINS and Mr. ALBION RICHARDSON as his attendant Whips, +duly took his seat upon the Front Bench. Someone challenged the +intrusion of non-Privy Councillors into that sacred precinct. But +the SPEAKER dismissed the objection with the remark, "There is more +room upon that bench than on any other, you know." It is expected +that, in contradistinction to the "Wee Frees," the new Party will +be known as the "Auld Lichts."</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"It is impossible to plough on account of the large number of +unexploded shells and bombs buried in the soil. These are now being +employed by the Engineers."—<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>We trust they will manage to avoid the traditional fate of the +engineer.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>UNEMPLOYMENT NOTES.</h3> +<p>Government unemployees at present engaged in drawing their +weekly donation are requested to call at the Labour Exchange every +day at 10 A.M. Morning dress.</p> +<p>It is not permissible for applicants to send their wives, valets +or chauffeurs to represent them.</p> +<p>Smoking is not prohibited, but applicants are requested not to +offer tobacco, cigarettes or cigars to the officials.</p> +<p>Arrangements are to be made to provide entertainment by means of +concert parties and motor-trips; also newspapers and periodicals, +in which, to avoid annoyance, the "Situations Vacant" column has +been blacked out.</p> +<p>It is desirable that applicants should not wear fur coats. The +present fashion does not go beyond a grey tweed lounge suit, with +white spats and velours hat.</p> +<p>A limited number of openings are offered to any who care to act +as batmen to unemployed munition-workers.</p> +<p>A doctor is in future to be kept at every Labour Exchange to +render first-aid to those who should be offered a situation.</p> +<p>Applicants are requested not to tease the officials.</p> +<hr /> +<h4>Jargon.</h4> +<p>From a speech at a Medical conference:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"He was ashamed of the term 'shell-shock.' It was a bad word, +and should be wiped out of the vocabulary of every scientific man. +It was really molecular abnormality of the nervous system, +characterised by abnormal reactions to ordinary +stimuli."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>We must try to remember this.</p> +<hr /> +<h4>A Modest Estimate.</h4> +<p>From a publisher's advertisement:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"Baroness Orczy has laid the world under a fresh debt of +gratitude. 7/- net."—"<i>Times" Literary Supplement</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"The question one could naturally put is, 'Has the millennium +arrived, when the lion and the lamb shall lay +together?'"—<i>Monthly Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Let's hope, at all events, that the produce won't be a +cockatrice's egg.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"This is the anniversary of the death of Robert Southey in 1843. +Perhaps his most celebrated poem is the delightful 'Ode to a +Skylark,' the beginning of which 'Hail to thee, blithe spirit,' is +known to every school child."—<i>New York Evening +Journal</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>It seems that Truth still stands in need of propaganda in +America.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page307" id="page307"></a>[pg +307]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/307.png"><img width="100%" src="images/307.png" alt= +"CHARMING SPOT; BUT RATHER DISAPPOINTING." /> +</a> +<p><i>Amateur Photographer (on a conducted tour in +France).</i>"CHARMING SPOT; BUT RATHER DISAPPOINTING. I +<i>QUITE</i> HOPED IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ALL SMASHED UP."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>FINANCIAL INTELLIGENCE.</h3> +<p>The decision of <i>The Westminster Gazette</i> to return to its +old figure of a penny must not be taken as a sign that prices +generally are coming down. On the contrary there is every +indication that they are rising and will still rise, as the +following symptomatic scraps of news, gathered from all parts of +the country, go to prove:—</p> +<p>The First Commissioner of Oaths states that "twopenny damns" +will, until further notice, be eight-pence each.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A schoolmaster in Birmingham who propounded the old question +about a herring and a half costing three half-pence has been put +under restraint as a dangerous lunatic.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>If the information that reaches us from a little bird is +correct, a boycott of sparrows is in progress, owing to their +inveterate habit of saying, "Cheep! Cheep!"</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Mr. HEINEMANN announces that, as a concession to modern +susceptibilities, he has decided to alter the title of Mr. +HERGESHEIMER'S successful novel, <i>The Three Black Pennys</i> to +<i>The Three Black Half-crowns.</i></p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>All guinea-pigs and guinea-fowls will from the present date +onwards be two guineas.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>In the best profiteering circles cigars are now lighted with +spills made of one-pound, notes, instead of, as during the war, +ten-shilling ones.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A well-known orchestral leader states that there is a serious +movement afoot to popularise "The Dear Home Land" as an encore for +the National Anthem.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The legal profession has long been concerned by the fact that +lawyers' fees remain so fixed in a world given over to flux. It has +now been decided that, although the fees shall remain the same, +less value shall be given. For six-and-eightpence a solicitor will +in future give only half his attention, by listening with only one +ear.</p> +<hr /> +<h4>Commercial Candour.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"EGGS FOR SALE.</p> +<p>"Why go out of —— to be swindled? Come to the +—— Poultry Farm."</p> +</blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> +<blockquote> +<p>"IN MY GARDEN.</p> +<p>"April 4.—Now is a suitable time to saw sweet +peas."—<i>Daily Mirror.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>When the stalks are very strong we always use an axe.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>L'ALLEGRO.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Haste thee, Peace, and bring with thee</p> +<p>Food and old festivity,</p> +<p>Bread and sugar white as snow,</p> +<p>The bacon that we used to know,</p> +<p>Apples cheap, and eggs and meat,</p> +<p>Dainty cakes with icing sweet,</p> +<p>And in thy right hand lead with thee</p> +<p>The mountain nymph (not much U.P.).</p> +<p>Come, and sip it as you go,</p> +<p>And let my not-too-gouty toe</p> +<p>Join the dance with them and thee</p> +<p>In sweet unrationed revelry;</p> +<p>While the grocer, free of care,</p> +<p>Bustles blithe and debonair,</p> +<p>And the milkman lilts his lay,</p> +<p>And the butcher beams all day,</p> +<p>And every warrior tells his tale</p> +<p>Over the spicy nut-brown ale.</p> +<p>Peace, if thou canst really bring</p> +<p>These delights, <i>do</i> haste, old thing.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"WINTER SPORTS IN FRANCE.—Sledges were constructed out of +empty ration-boxes, whilst the old flappers used for dispersing +poison-gas from dug-outs did duty as snow-shoes."—<i>Daily +Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>The young flappers were no doubt better engaged.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page308" id="page308"></a>[pg +308]</span> +<h2>PINK GEORGETTE.</h2> +<p>Joyce, at breakfast that morning, had announced firmly that if I +really loved her I would take the pattern up to town with me and +"see what I could do." What she failed to realise was that, if I +ventured alone into the midst of so intimately feminine a world as +Bibby and Renns' for the purpose of matching stuff called Pink +Georgette, I should become practically incapable of doing anything +at all.</p> +<p>The only redeeming feature about the whole nerve-racking +business was that he found me as soon as he did.</p> +<p>"Good afternoon, Sir," he said in a most ingratiating voice. +"What can we have the pleasure of showing you, Sir?"</p> +<p>He was tall and handsome, with a perfectly waxed moustache and a +faultless frock-coat. He bowed before me with a sort of solicitous +curve to his broad shoulders, and the way he massaged one hand with +the other had a highly soothing effect.</p> +<p>"Pink georgette, Sir? Certainly, Sir." To my inexpressible +relief he seemed to consider it the most likely request in the +world.</p> +<p>A moment before I had been drifting hopelessly, in a state of +most acute self-consciousness. But with him to guide me I set off +quite boldly.</p> +<p>At what proved to be exactly the right spot he paused.</p> +<p>"Miss Robinson," he called; "pink georgette."</p> +<p>With a polite introductory wave of the hand he motioned me +towards the lady. He hovered about, near by, whilst I opened the +bit of tissue-paper containing the pattern and murmured my needs to +Miss Robinson. His very presence gave me confidence.</p> +<p>When it was all over he came up and led me away. As we emerged +into the stronger light near the door I peered at him closely. Then +I touched him on the arm and beckoned him behind a couple of Paris +models.</p> +<p>I took hold of his hand and wrung it fervently.</p> +<p>"Sergeant Steel," I said, "you always <i>did</i> have the knack +of being in exactly the right spot at the right moment. I haven't +set eyes on you since that very hot day in '16, when you brought up +the remnants of 14 platoon and pulled me out of that tight corner +at Guillemont. That was a valuable bit of work, Sergeant, but +nothing to this—simply nothing!"</p> +<p>The solicitous curve had straightened out from his broad +shoulders. His hands had ceased their soothing massage. His heels +were together, his arms glued to his sides, his eyes glaring at a +fixed point directly over the top of my head.</p> +<p>"Thought it was you, Sir, as soon as I saw you. But of course I +wasn't going to say anything till you did." It was not the +ingratiating voice now, but that rasping half-whisper he always +used for nocturnal conferences in the front line. "Never heard +anything of you, Sir, since you went down with a Blighty after +Guillemont. Beg your pardon, Sir, but you looked a bit windy as you +came in just now, so I thought I'd keep in support.... Yes, Sir, +got my ticket last month—only been back on my old job a +fortnight."</p> +<p>I tapped the parcel that Miss Robinson's own fair hands had made +up for me.</p> +<p>"This a good issue, Sergeant?" I said. "Sound and reliable and +all that?"</p> +<p>"Couldn't be better, Sir. I had my eye on her. We only drew it +ourselves lately. That's the stuff to give 'em. You can safely +carry on with that, Sir ... a perfect match ... exquisite blending +of colour ... those art shades are to be very fashionable this +season, I assure you, Sir."</p> +<p>Imperceptibly his hands had resumed their massage, the +solicitous curve had returned to his broad shoulders, his voice was +ingratiating again.</p> +<p>"We have a large range of all the daintiest materials. I believe +our charmeuse, ninons and crêpe-de-Chines to be unrivalled in +town, Sir. A little damp under foot to-day, Sir, but warmer, I +think—distinctly warmer. Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir, +<i>Good</i> day, Sir."</p> +<p>And Sergeant Steel (D.C.M. and four chevrons) bowed me into the +street.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href= +"images/308.png"><img width="100%" src="images/308.png" alt= +"I DON'T THINK I CARE ABOUT THAT ONE. IT MAKES ME LOOK LIKE ONE +OF THESE 'ERE SPANISH DANCERS." /> +</a> +<p>"I DON'T THINK I CARE ABOUT THAT ONE. IT MAKES ME LOOK LIKE ONE +OF THESE 'ERE SPANISH DANCERS."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>LITERARY GOSSIP.</h2> +<p>MR. WELLS has a new volume of collected Prefaces coming out this +week, with an Introduction and an Epilogue by Sir HARRY JOHNSTON. +It will be remembered that in <i>Joan and Peter</i>, a +comparatively early work of Mr. WELLS—it was published, if +our memory serves us, before the Armistice—handsome +acknowledgment was made of Sir HARRY JOHNSTON'S administrative +ability and high aims; and it is pleasant to know that in the long +interval that has elapsed nothing has occurred to modify their +mutual admiration.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The firm of Black and Green will shortly publish Lord DYSART'S +monumental monograph on <i>China Tea: the Universal Antidote.</i> +Lord DYSART establishes the remarkable fact that the word +"dyspepsia" was practically unknown until the introduction of +Indian and Ceylon tea. Mr. WELLS, who contributes an illuminating +Preface, points out that the troubles of Russia are entirely due to +the cutting off of the supplies of caravan tea from China (the +leading Bolshevists prefer vodka to tea in any form) and the +consequent recourse to inferior synthetic substitutes. The rival +merits of cream, milk and lemon are carefully discussed both from +the gustatory and hygienic standpoint, Mr. WELLS pronouncing in +favour of lemon, in which idiosyncrasy he resembles Mr. CONRAD and +Mr. GALSWORTHY. The volume is richly illustrated with pictures of +rare tea-pots, tea-caddies and samovars, and contains a set of +humorous verses dedicated to the author by Mr. T. LEIF JONES.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The Right Hon. REGINALD MCKENNA'S new book, <i>The Proud +Podsnaps</i>, will be his first novel, and we hear it is to be +humorous. His distinguished relative, Mr. STEPHEN MCKENNA, Mr. +WELLS and Mr. HERBERT JENKINS have all written encouraging Prefaces +to it; <span class="pagenum"><a name="page309" id="page309"></a>[pg +309]</span> and Master ANTHONY ASQUITH has added two essays on +commercial aviation and a couple of brilliant caricatures of Mr. +LLOYD GEORGE and Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE'S <i>Life of the Kaiser</i> is already far +advanced, but he has laid it on one side in order to collaborate +with Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE in the authoritative biography of Sir +OLIVER LODGE. It is understood that of the chapters dealing with +the physiognomy and phrenological aspect of the subject Mr. HAROLD +BEGBIE will be exclusively responsible for those on the frontal +regions of Sir OLIVER'S cranium, while Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE will +devote himself to the occipital Hinterland. In this way it is hoped +that the whole area, which is enormous, will be adequately covered. +The book will be published by Messrs. Odder and Odder at +10<i>s</i>. 6<i>d</i>.; but a limited number of copies, with +special tambourine and planchette attachments, will be available at +£2 2<i>s</i>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>To the list of biographies of the PRIME MINISTER already +published or in contemplation there remains to be added one by an +author who veils his identity under the pseudonym of "Mount +Carmel." It will bear the title, <i>Lloyd George</i>—<i>Saint +or Dragon</i>? and will be prefaced by an introduction by Mr. +Stickham Weed, in which that eminent publicist discusses the +antagonism of the Celtic temperament to Jugo-Slav ideals. The book +will be published at Fontainebleau.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The new Cardiff firm of Jenkins and Jones announce a novel from +the pen of Mr. Caradoc Blodwen, who had to fly from his native +village last year owing to the realistic picture he gave of local +life in <i>The Home of the Squinting Widows</i>. It is to be called +<i>Taffy was a Thief</i>; and those who have had the privilege of +seeing early copies of the book, which Mr. Blodwen wrote during his +seclusion amongst the Hairy Ainus, describe it as lurid in the +extreme.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Mr. Cuthbert Skrimshanks's new novel is being looked forward to +expectantly by those who admire the vital and distinguished +artistry of his work. The author, it will be remembered, was +employed in a firm of ginger-beer bottlers before he took to +literature, and Mr. WELLS, who contributes a Preface, dwells +happily on the stimulating and phosphorescent quality which his +literary work owes to his employment, and contrasts it favourably +with the flatness of Eton "Pop."</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Yet another Shakspearean volume, which promises to be of +engrossing interest, has been written by Lord BLEDISLOE. It is to +be called <i>Bacon and Hamlet</i>, and Sir THOMAS LIPTON has +contributed an Introduction, in which the organisation of the food +supply in the Elizabethan age is exhaustively described. This +exhaustive work, which is dedicated to General STORRS, the Governor +of Jerusalem, will be published by Messrs. FORTNUM and MASON.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/309.png"><img width="100%" src="images/309.png" alt= +"WHO DIDN'T FOLD UP HIS TROUSERS WHEN HE WENT TO BED?" /> +</a> +<p><i>Nurse (reproachfully).</i> "WHO DIDN'T FOLD UP HIS TROUSERS +WHEN HE WENT TO BED?"</p> +<p><i>Tony</i>. "I KNOW. ADAM. I CAN ALWAYS GUESS THESE SUNDAY +RIDDLES."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h4>"C'est la Guerre."</h4> +<p>A brace of chemists' labels:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>This preparation is issued in amber glass pots, as a War +Emergency Measure, when white glass is not available owing to +shortage."</p> +<p>"War Bottle. Amber glass is not obtainable just now, so we have +to use white glass. May we ask you to grant us your kind indulgence +under the circumstances?"</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"A bullet fired at a pig from a humane killer, struck the wall +of a Merthyr Tydvil slaughterhouse, ricochetted and wounded a +butcher's manager."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>The victim regards the name of the instrument as most inept.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Lord Salvesen, the presiding judge, arrived in Aberdeen on +Monday night, and gave a winner in the Palace +Hotel."—<i>Sunday Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>We hope to meet him in London before the Derby.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page310" id="page310"></a>[pg +310]</span> +<h2>POLLY.</h2> +<p class="center"><i>(With acknowledgments to Mr. KIPLING.)</i></p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I went into a private 'ouse to get a place as cook;</p> +<p>The lady ups an' greets me with a most angelic look:</p> +<p>"I've just been makin' tea," she sez, "I 'opes as you will +try</p> +<p>These little scones wot I 'ave baked;" and to myself sez I:</p> +<p class="i8">"It was Polly this, an' Polly that, an' 'Polly, scrub +the floor,'</p> +<p class="i8">But it's 'If you please, Miss Perkins,' since we won +the bloomin' War;</p> +<p class="i8">We won the bloomin' War, my girls, we won the +bloomin' War,</p> +<p class="i8">It's 'If you please, Miss Perkins,' since we won the +bloomin' War."</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The lady she was out to please; we talked about the weather,</p> +<p>An' when the tea was done we smoked a cigarette together,</p> +<p>An' then we talked o' jazzin' an' the BILLIE CARLETON case,</p> +<p>An' so we come in course o' time to talkin' o' the place.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"You won't mind cookin' lunch?" sez she. Sez I, "Without a +doubt,</p> +<p>On Toosdays an' on Fridays, which they ain't my 'alf-days +out;</p> +<p>An' dinner, too, I'll manage"—'ere the lady give a +grin—</p> +<p>"On Mondays an' on Thursdays, which they 'll be my evenings +in."</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"An' wot about the breakfast?" "Don't you worry, mum," sez +I,</p> +<p>"I'm willin' to oblige you every single blessed dye,</p> +<p>Bar Sundays, when my young man comes; 'e's such a bloomin' +toff,</p> +<p>'E takes me up the river, so I takes the 'ole day off."</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"That's excellent," the lady sez, "I'll easy do the rest,</p> +<p>So if you come, Miss Perkins, you will be our honoured +guest,</p> +<p>For Mr. Vere de Vere an' I do all we can an' more</p> +<p>To please the splendid women wot 'ave bin an' won the War."</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Well, seein' as the lady seemed to 'ave the proper view,</p> +<p>I took the situation an' I 'opes as it will do.</p> +<p>Of course there may be drawbacks, but you can't get <i>all</i> +you wish,</p> +<p>For aprons ain't quite overalls an' cookin' ain't munish.</p> +<p class="i8">It was Polly this, an' Polly that, an' "Ugh! the +mutton's red;"</p> +<p class="i8">But it's "<i>Won't</i> you come, Miss Perkins?" now +we're paid to stay in bed;</p> +<p class="i8">An' it's Polly this, an' Polly that, an' anythink you +please;</p> +<p class="i8">An' Polly ain't a bloomin' fool—you bet that +Polly sees!</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h4>"Les beaux esprits se rencontrent."</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"Persons expressing unpopular views (by which I mean views +opposed to such patriots as Horatio Bottomley, Colonel Lowther, and +our own hon. and gallant member of Parliament, et hog genus +omne)."—<i>Letter in "The Daily News</i>."</p> +<p>"There have been more pig posts than there have been big men +able to fill them.—Mr. Bonar Law."—<i>Bristol Times and +Mirror</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<p>From an article on the Zeebrugge exploit:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"An on-shore wind was needed to carry the fog-screen in advance +of the blockships. Absence of fog was essential. A fog would be +beneficial. These desiderata postulated a concurrence of favourable +conditions, and on April 23 they were not all +present."—<i>Cologne Post</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>We gather that the Censor, shortly to be demobilised at home, +still maintains his watch on the Rhine.</p> +<hr /> +<h2>CRITICISM IN EXCELSIS.</h2> +<p>There was a good deal of excitement in the Elysian Fields when +the news went round that the Committee had exercised their power of +electing a certain distinguished Shade to full membership of the +Asphodel Club without a ballot. The general opinion seemed to be +that the Committee had acted wisely, and that the election was in +every way justified. A few members, however, expressed disapproval, +not so much on account of any demerits of his own as of the effect +that his election might produce on the sensitive minds of some who +were already members.</p> +<p>"This Dr. SAMUEL JOHNSON," said one who had been busy in +canvassing opinions, "is fully qualified for membership, but I fear +he may have a deleterious effect on JOHN MILTON and THOMAS GRAY. +Did he not roughly criticise them in his <i>Lives of the Poets</i>, +and do you think that MILTON is one who will sit down tamely under +the affront? MILTON has been for years and is still one of our most +distinguished members. Indeed, he has almost the standing amongst +us of a highly-respected Bishop. He uses the Club a great deal, and +I fear his comfort will be much reduced by the admission of one who +regards his poetry with a hostile eye."</p> +<p>"In what way," said another, "has the denouncer of SALMASIUS +become entitled to complain of rough attacks? Nor has his character +been assailed. In that he remains episcopal. Only in his poetry is +he made to suffer."</p> +<p>"But he is made to suffer pretty heavily," said a third. "Hear +what JOHNSON said with regard to our friend's +<i>Lycidas</i>:—</p> +<p>"'One of the poems on which much praise has been bestowed is +<i>Lycidas</i>; of which the diction is harsh, the rhymes uncertain +and the numbers unpleasing. What beauty there is we must therefore +seek in the sentiments and images. It is not to be considered as +the effusion of real passion; for passion runs not after remote +allusions and obscure opinions. Passion plucks no berries from the +myrtle and ivy, nor calls upon Arethuse and Mincius, nor tells of +rough <i>satyrs</i> and <i>fauns with cloven heel</i>. Where there +is leisure for fiction there is little grief.</p> +<p>"'In this poem there is no nature for there is no truth; there +is no art for there is nothing new. Its form is that of a pastoral: +easy, vulgar and therefore disgusting.'</p> +<p>"Do you call that criticism?"</p> +<p>"Ah, but listen," said another and much agitated Shade, "to what +he says of our respected THOMAS GRAY. The Committee must have +forgotten how it goes:—</p> +<p>"These odes are marked by glittering accumulation of ungraceful +ornaments; they strike rather than please; the images are magnified +by affectation, the language is laboured into harshness. The mind +of the writer seems to work with unnatural violence. <i>Double, +double, toil and trouble</i>. He has a kind of strutting dignity +and is tall by walking on tiptoe."</p> +<p>The agitated Shade was about to proceed further with his protest +when a sound of cheering stopped him. And lo and behold! an +approving throng was circling round the new member, and in the +thick of it were JOHN MILTON and THOMAS GRAY.</p> +<hr /> +<h4>"For this Relief," etc.</h4> +<p>From a Girl Guides' report:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"The thanks of the Association are due to the following ladies +who have resigned...."</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Sir George Newman and Mr. Philip Snowden have resigned their +membership of the Central Control Board" (Liquor Traffic).</p> +<p>"Caruso has sung at 550 performances."—<i>Evening +Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>All the same, there seems to have been a lack of harmony.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page311" id="page311"></a>[pg +311]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/311.png"><img width="100%" src="images/311.png" alt= +"BUT I THOUGHT HER LADYSHIP WAS AT HOME ON ALTERNATE WEDNESDAYS?" /> +</a> +<p><i>Lady (who has called on two successive Wednesdays, the fourth +and fifth of the month, and has been told each time that Lady +Smith-Robinson is not at home).</i> "BUT I THOUGHT HER LADYSHIP WAS +AT HOME ON ALTERNATE WEDNESDAYS?"</p> +<p><i>Parlourmaid (with dignity).</i> "NO, MADAM. HER LADYSHIP IS +AT HOME ON THE FIRST AND THIRD WEDNESDAYS IN THE MONTH; BUT WHEN +THERE IS A FIFTH WEDNESDAY THAT IS TO <i>OUR</i> ADVANTAGE."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> +<p class="center"><i>(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned +Clerks.)</i></p> +<p><i>My War Experiences in Two Continents</i> (MURRAY) is made up +of the diary and letters of Miss MACNAUGHTAN, written during her +search for work that might help in the great Task. The book, it is +sad to say, must serve as her memorial to those many whom she has +amused by her bright and wholesome stories. Worn out by labours and +quests beyond her strength she fell sick at Teheran in 1916 and +returned to England to die. In 1914 she had done fine service with +her soup-kitchen in Flanders, where her energy and almost too +tender sympathy had full scope and the reward of good work +accomplished. She seemed also to be happy in her lecture tour on +her return to England, trying to arouse the sluggish-minded to a +sense of the gravity of the business. But in her Russian and +Persian adventure it is clear that she was deeply disappointed at +feeling herself unwanted and useless in a region of waste and +muddle. It is probable that for all her courage and unselfish +devotion she was too sensitive to the suffering she encountered +ever to attain the routine indifference which makes work among such +horrors possible. Her deep religious convictions aggravated rather +than eased that suffering. She was honestly old-fashioned and never +took quite kindly to the khaki-breeched free-spoken young women of +the subsidiary war services, had a hatred of muddle and was a +little severe on men, though acknowledging that "young men are the +kindest members of the human race." True this, I should say, who am +no longer young. "The war is fine, <i>fine</i>, FINE, though I +don't get near the fineness except in the pages of <i>Punch</i>." +Charming of her to say that.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The heroine of <i>Miss Fingal</i> (BLACKWOOD) is called by her +publishers "a woman whose distinguishing trait is femininity," to +which they add, with obvious truth, "a refreshing creation in these +days." Really, in this one phrase Messrs. BLACKWOOD have covered +the ground so comprehensively that I have little more to do than +subscribe my signature. To fill in details, Mrs. W.K. CLIFFORD'S +latest is a quietly sympathetic tale about a lonely gentlewoman +(this you can take either as one or two words) rescued from a life +of penury by the will of a rich uncle, transferred from her tiny +flat in Battersea to Bedford Square and a country cottage, +expanding in prosperity, and generally proving the old adage that +where there's a will there's a way, indeed several ways, of +spending the result agreeably. As I have said, it is all the +gentlest little comedy of happiness, not specially exciting +perhaps. I find it characteristic of Mrs. CLIFFORD'S method that +the only at all violent incident, a railway smash, happens +discreetly out of sight, and does no more than provide its victim +with an enjoyable convalescence, and the attentive reader with the +suggestion of a psychological problem that is both unnecessary and +unconvincing. The best of the tale is its picture of <i>Miss +Fingal</i> herself, rescued from premature decay and gradually +recovering her youth under the stimulus of new interests and +opportunities. Whether <span class="pagenum"><a name="page312" id= +"page312"></a>[pg 312]</span> the now rather too familiar +<i>Kaiser-ex-machina</i> solution was needed in order to rid the +stage of a superfluous character is open to question; but at all +events it leaves <i>Miss Fingal</i> happy in companionship and +assured of the success that waits upon a satisfactory finish.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"How can I"—I seem to hear the author of <i>Elizabeth and +Her German Garden</i> communing with herself—"how can I write +a story, with all my necessary Teutonic ingredients in it, which +shall be popular even during the War?" And then I seem to see the +satisfaction with which she hit upon the solution of inventing +pretty twin girls of seventeen, an age which permits remarks with a +sting in them to be uttered apparently in innocence and yet is +marriageable or, at any rate, engageable; making them orphans; +giving them a German father and an English mother, and very mixed +sympathies, in which England predominates; and sending them to +America to pass its novelty under their candid European eyes. Much +of the satisfaction which her scheme must have given to the +authoress of <i>Christopher and Columbus</i> (MACMILLAN) is shared +by its readers, although the feeling that it has been made to order +to fit a difficult market is never absent. For much of the +dialogue, and often when most amusing, does not ring true, and we +are occasionally asked to believe that the twins could be far +slower in the uptake than at other, and less inconvenient, times +they show themselves to be. But the book is another sufficing proof +that the male sex has no monopoly of humour.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Mr. CHRISTOPHER CULLEY, in his rather superfluous and petulant +preface to <i>Billy McCoy</i> (CASSELL), observes that such +reviewers as "may find time to skip through its pages" will +probably call it a Romance. Well, skipping or not, here is one +reviewer who will not disappoint him. A story of a hero who +adventures into sinister places, disregards repeated warnings to +"go back ere it is too late" (or the American for that entrancing +formula), meets there a Distressed Damsel and kisses her as +introduction, and finally, after an infinity of perils, is left +with the D.D. as his B.B., or blushing bride—this I state +emphatically to be not only Romance, but a most excellent brand of +that article. What however Mr. CULLEY seems most to fear is that we +shall think that <i>McCoy</i> himself and the whole setting (New +Mexican scenes) are all make-believe. He need have had no such +alarm in my case. I have, I remember, already commented on the +admirable reality of his cowboys, as exemplified in the hero of a +previous story. <i>Billy</i>, if just a little less convincing, is +in many ways a worthy companion. But Mr. CULLEY'S heroines always +strike me as inferior to his men. They have the air of hanging +about in corners of the tale, and generally of being rather a +nuisance than a delight to their creator. But the heroine of +<i>Billy McCoy</i> makes hardly a pretence of being other than a +lay figure; without her it would be just as entertaining and +exciting, if perhaps less completely furnished for Romance.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>While reading <i>"Q" Boat Adventures</i> (JENKINS) I kept on +telling myself that it ought to be read in small doses if the +greatest enjoyment was to be got from it; but all the same I could +not let it out of my hands. "The 'Q' boat," says +Lieutenant-Commander AUTEN, V.C., "was a 'stunt' possible only to a +nation of sailors. Officers might be found for 'Q' boats in any +country with a seaboard; but men—no;" and I imagine that few +Englishmen will be found to deny this statement. Elizabethan days +for all their spaciousness contained nothing more incredibly brave +than the exploits of these decoy boats, exploits which could only +be carried out if absolutely every man taking part in them played +his rôle to perfection. And it cannot be too widely noted +that after the Huns had become suspicious the "Q" boat had to +invite a torpedo as a preliminary to real business. Officers and +men alike deserve all the gratitude their nation can give them, not +only for their courage in action, but also for their patience when +spending dreary months without getting to grips with the enemy. Few +things are more demoralizing than to wait to be attacked and to +find no one kind enough to accommodate you; but even during all +these long periods of inaction the discipline and keenness of the +"Q" boat crews never relaxed. Lieut.-Commander AUTEN has done a +great service in telling us of these astounding achievements and of +the infinite difficulties in the way of their successful +accomplishment. We may be a nation of short memories, but it is +impossible to believe that our "Q" boats will ever be +forgotten.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Anything more Pettridgian than <i>The Bustling Hours</i> +(METHUEN) cannot be conceived and cannot certainly be written. That +means that Mr. PETT RIDGE'S latest book will be heartily welcomed +and thoroughly enjoyed by the large circle of his readers. Mr. PETT +RIDGE is as good as a tonic in these depressing days, and without +any effort he keeps at a high level of sane cheerfulness. His +heroine is a certain <i>Dorothy Gainsford</i>, who has the gift of +turning up at exactly the right moment and of getting exactly the +right thing done, or more often of doing it herself. She really is +a marvel and the last word in efficiency. There is only one thing +at which I hint a doubt or hesitate dislike. She takes a banjo with +her to a picnic on the Upper Thames.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href= +"images/312.png"><img width="100%" src="images/312.png" alt= +"TYPICAL APRIL WEATHER!" /> +</a> +<p><i>Professor (who has inadvertently pulled the shower-bath +handle).</i> "TYPICAL APRIL WEATHER!"</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>There was a young man who said, "How,</p> +<p>With the minimum sweat of my brow,</p> +<p class="i6">Can I find jobs to do</p> +<p class="i6">For a maximum screw?"</p> +<p>So they said to him, "Why not try Slough?"</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 156, APRIL 16, 1919***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 11732-h.txt or 11732-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/7/3/11732">https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/7/3/11732</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, April 16, 1919 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 27, 2004 [eBook #11732] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 156, APRIL 16, 1919*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11732-h.htm or 11732-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/7/3/11732/11732-h/11732-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/7/3/11732/11732-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 156 + +APRIL 16, 1919 + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +We understand that a proposal to send a relief party to America +to rescue Scotsmen from the threatened Prohibition law is under +consideration. + + *** + +It is rumoured that _The Times_ is about to announce that it does not +hold itself responsible for editorial opinions expressed in its own +columns. + + *** + +A correspondent, complaining of the tiny flats in London, states that +he is a trombone-player, and every time he wants to get the lowest +note he has to go out on to the landing. + + *** + +In Essex Street, Shoreditch--so Dr. ADDISON explained to the House +of Commons--there are seven hundred and thirty-three people in +twenty-nine houses. A correspondent writes that a single house in the +neighbourhood of Big Ben contains seven hundred and seven persons, +many of them incapable, and that nothing is being done about it. + + *** + +"The Original Dixie Land Jazz Band has arrived in London," says an +evening paper. We are grateful for the warning. + + *** + +Over two hundred season-ticket-holders live within a mile radius at +Southend. We suppose there must be some attraction at Southend to +explain why so many season-ticket-holders live there. + + *** + +We are pleased to be able to throw some light on the mystery of the +Russian who was not shot in Petrograd last week. It appears that he +ducked his head. + + *** + +We await confirmation of the report that an American has offered to +defray the cost of the War if the authorities will name it after him. + + *** + +The Surplus Government Property Disposal Board is making a special +offer of eighteen-pounder guns to golf clubs. For a long shot out of a +bad lie the superiority of the eighteen-pounder over the Sammie cleek +is conceded by all the best golfers. + + *** + +Westgate-on-Sea has decided to abolish bathing-machines. In future +visitors desiring to bathe will have to do it by hand. + + *** + +Mr. KELLAWAY informed the House of Commons the other day that the War +Office has forty million yards of surplus aeroplane linen. It seems +inevitable that some of it will have to be washed in public. + + *** + +A woman aged twenty-six, mother of five children, told the Old Street +police magistrate that she could not read. How she managed to have +five children without being able to read the Defence of the Realm +Regulations is regarded by the authorities as a mystery. + + *** + +At the Royal Drawing Society's exhibition there is a picture painted +by a child of two. Pictures by older artists, with all the appearances +of having been painted by children of this unripe age, are, of course, +no novelty. + + *** + +"Whitehall Wakes Up," says _The Evening News_. An indignant denial of +this charge is hourly expected. + + *** + +A Northumberland man last week declined to draw his unemployment pay +on the ground that he was not actually wanting it. His workmates put +it down to the alleged fact that a careless nurse had let him fall out +of the perambulator on to his head. + + *** + +"Unless Russian women join the Bolshevist movement," says Herr RADEK, +"they will all be shot by order of Lenin." This confirms our worst +fears that these Russian revolutionaries are becoming rather spiteful. + + *** + +A new fire-engine has been provided for Aberavon. As a result of this +addition to their appliances the Aberavon Fire Brigade are now able to +consider a few additional fires. + + *** + +A large rat with peculiar red markings on its back has recently been +seen at Woodvale, Isle of Wight. In consequence much alarm is felt +locally, as it is feared that this is an indication that the rodents +on the isle have embraced Bolshevism. + + *** + +The correspondent who, as reported in these columns, noticed a pair +of labourers building within a stone's-throw of Catford Bridge, now +writes to say that a foundation stone has been laid. + + *** + +Philanthropists are warned against a beggar who is going about saying +that, when wounded in France, he was so full of bullets that they took +him back to the Base in an ammunition wagon instead of an ambulance. + + *** + +The reported decision of the Sinn Fein Executive, that policemen shall +only be shot at on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, has definitely +eased a situation which it was feared could only be coped with by +arresting the instigators of such crimes. + + *** + +In a recent suit for alimony a wealthy New Yorker complained that his +wife used a diamond-studded watch for a golf tee. If she had only +wasted the money on a new ball he would never have complained. + + *** + +Experiments in rat-killing, says a news item, are being carried out at +the Zoo. At the time of writing the reticulated python is said to be +leading the whale-headed stork by a matter of three rats. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: _Husband (just arrived home)._ "WHAT ON EARTH HAVE YOU +BEEN DOING WITH YOURSELF?" + +_Wife_, "ONLY THE COAL-MAN'S BEEN AT LAST, AND I SIMPLY COULDN'T +RESIST GIVING THE DEAR MAN A KISS!"] + + * * * * * + +From the report of a breach of promise case:-- + + "The engagement came about through a chance meeting in Richmond + Park in the summer of 117."--_Daily Herald_. + +Despite the happy case of Jacob and Rachel, we never have approved of +these long engagements. + + * * * * * + +A PAYING GAME. + + When Belgium lay beneath your heel + To prove the law that Might is Right, + And Innocence, without appeal, + Must serve your scheme of _Schrecklichkeit_, + "Justice," we said, "abides her day + And she shall set her balance true; + Methods like yours can never pay." + "Can't they?" you cried; "they can--and do!" + + And now full circle comes the wheel, + And, prone across the knees of Fate, + You are to hear, without appeal, + The final terms that we dictate; + And, when you whine (the German way) + On presentation of the bill: + "_Ach, Himmel!_ we can never pay," + "Can't you?" we'll cry; "you can--and will!" + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE BRIGHTER SIDE OF PEACE. + +I'm not out of the Army yet, but lately I was home on leave. At a time +like that you don't really care about being demobilised just yet. +After all, to earn--or let us say to be paid--several pounds for a +fortnight's luxurious idleness is a far, far better thing than to +receive about the same number of shillings for a like period of +unremitting toil. There you have an indication of the financial +prospects of my civvy career. None the less, to me in Blighty the +future looked as rosy as a robin's breast, and life was immensely +satisfactory. I deemed that I was capable of saying "Ha, ha" among +the captains (though myself only boasting two pips). Then one day, in +the lane that leads to the downs, I met Woggles. + +I've known Woggles for years and years. Some time ago she became a +V.A.D. and began to drive an ambulance about France; since when I had +lost sight of her. I greeted her therefore with jubilation. + +"Oh, Woggles," I cried, "this is a great occasion. How shall we +celebrate it?" + +"Well, if you like I'll go back again on to the top with you and show +you the Weald. But I'd much rather you came home to tea. I _could_ +make some 'Dog's Delight'--s'posing you haven't outgrown such simple +tastes." + +"Oh, if you put it like that," I said cheerfully. + +Well, it was a bitter sort of afternoon and growing late. The +annoyance of Bogie (an enthusiastic puppy) at missing his walk might +appropriately be solaced with portions of "Dog's Delight." It's a +large home-made bun thing which used to delight me as well as Bogie's +mother in days gone by. + +"I ought to warn you," said Woggles as we walked across the fields, +"that Mother and Dad are out to-day. I expect your dog'll have to take +acting rank as chaperon." + +"By the way," I said, "you don't know each other, do you?" I called +Bogie, who was giving a vivid imitation of a cavalry screen protecting +our advance, and made him sit up and pretend to be begging. "Now +fix your eyes on the kind lady," I commanded. "Woggles--Bogie: +Bogie--Woggles. Two very nice people." Bogie barked, put out his +tongue and let the wind blow his left ear inside out. Woggles laughed +in that excellent way she has. + +At the Rectory she sang to me even better than she used to; the +"Delight" was an achievement, Bogie being most agreeably surprised; +there was a glow of firelight such as I love, and a vast comfortable +chair. I felt lazy and very happy. + +"This tea idea of yours was simply an inspiration. I don't know when +I've been so pleased with myself and existence generally. At the +moment my _moral_ is as high as Mount Everest." + +"Yes, I noticed something like that," Woggles agreed. "More tea? +It's only about your fifth cup." Suddenly serious, she went on: "I +wonder--is there much to be happy about just now? Dad thinks not; and +so do I, rather. Do you want to talk about it, or would you rather +find faces in the fire?" + +"Please I want to talk about it." + +"Carry on then. Fortify yourself with that last bit of 'Delight.'" + +In spite of this reinforcement I found it wasn't so very easy to +begin. + +"Well," I said slowly, "I expect the foundation of my _joie de vivre_ +is a great relief that the War's over. Lots of troops celebrated that +with song and dance and so forth on November 11th and subsequent +nights; I'm spreading it over a much longer time. In a way it's like +having a death sentence repealed, for millions of us. Not the heroic +spirit, is it?--but there you are." + +"Of course everyone feels that," Woggles admitted. "Only now that it +_is_ all over, aren't we sort of looking round and counting the cost? +Thinking that all this loss of life and suffering hasn't made the +world so very much better? Look at Russia and our strikes. Doesn't +Bolshevism worry you?" she asked. + +"The fact is," I told her, "I believe I've evolved a philosophy of +life which nothing of that kind can seriously disturb--or I hope not. +It's very jolly to feel like that." + +"It must be. May we have this philosophy, please? Perhaps you'll make +a disciple." + +"It's an awfully simple one really, only I think people lose sight of +it so strangely. Just to realise the extraordinary pleasure everyday +things can give you--if you'll only let them. You compree that?" + +"It doesn't sound very convincing," Woggles objected. "Everyday +things! As for instance?" + +"Oh, what shall I say? One of those really fine mornings; huge white +clouds in a deep blue sky; the feel of a good drive at golf; smoke +from cottage chimneys at dusk; wondering what's round the next corner +of an unknown road; bare branches at night with the stars tangled in +them; the wind that blows across these downs of ours; the music of a +sentence of STEVENSON'S; Bogie here and his funny little ways--Well, I +needn't go on?" + +"No, you needn't," said Woggles thoughtfully and looked at me rather +hard for a space. "We're old friends, aren't we, and all that sort of +thing?" she demanded. + +"What a question! I hope we are. But why?" + +"Well, I'm going to ask you something. But I may say I'm rather +nervous. You'll promise not to set Bogie at me or strangle me with +your Sam Browne?" + +"I will." + +"Well, then, have you been asking Betty Willoughby to marry you, and +has she said 'Yes'?" + +I was amazed. Was Woggles also among the soothsayers? Because a few +evenings earlier, with the help of a splendid full moon and one or two +extenuating circumstances-- + +"But this is black magic and wizardry," I said. "It's a dead secret. +How on earth did you know?" + +"Oh, I just guessed," said Woggles. + + * * * * * + +THE MATRIMONIAL MARKET. + + "Young Girl Wanted, for Wife of Naval Officer."--_Provincial + Paper_. + +The Navy may be the Silent Service, but when it does speak it is very +direct. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE EASTER OFFERING. + +MR. LLOYD GEORGE _(fresh from Paris)._ "I DON'T SAY IT'S A PERFECT +EGG; BUT PARTS OF IT, AS THE SAYING IS, ARE EXCELLENT."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Colonel (back with his battalion from front lines--to +horsey and immaculate Railway Transport, Officer)._ "ENGINES A BIT +FRISKY THIS MORNING?"] + + * * * * * + +PROPAGANDA IN THE BALKANS. + +At the end of September last those whom we in Macedonia had come +to regard as our deadly enemies became our would-be friends with a +suddenness which was almost painful. Kultur is a leavening influence, +and our spurious local Hun in Bulgaria is every bit as frightful in +war and as oily in defeat as the genuine article on the Rhine. + +To escape this unfamiliar and rather overpowering atmosphere of +friendliness our section of the Salonica Force immediately made for +the nearest available enemy and found ourselves at a lonely spot on +the Turkish frontier. The name of the O.C. Local Bulgars began with +Boris, and he was a _Candidat Offizier_ or Cadet, and acting Town +Major. As an earnest of good-will, he showed us photos of his home, +before and after the most recent _pogrom_, and of his grandfather, a +bandit with a flourishing practice in the Philippopolis district, much +respected locally. + +We took up our dispositions, and shortly all officers were engaged +sorting out the suspicious characters arrested by the sentries. It was +in this way that I became acquainted with Serge Gotastitch the Serb. + +When he was brought before me I sent for Aristides Papazaphiropoulos, +our interpreter, and in the meantime delivered a short lecture to the +Sergeant-Major, Quartermaster-Sergeant and Storeman on the inferiority +of the Balkan peoples, with particular reference to the specimen +before us, to whom, in view of the fact that he seemed a little below +himself, I gave a tot of rum. He eyed it with suspicion. + +"What's this?" he asked suddenly (in English). "Whisky?" + +I informed him that it was rum. + +"That's the goods," he said, and drank it. I then commenced +interrogation. + +"You are a Bulgar?" I asked. + +"No," said Serge cheerlessly, "I am Serb." + +"Serb! Then what are you doing here?" + +"I hail from Prilep," he explained. "When Bulgar come Prilep, they +say, 'You not Serb; you Bulgar.' So they bringit me here with others, +and I workit on railroad. My family I not know where they are; no +clothes getting, no money neither. English plenty money," he added, _a +propos_ of nothing. + +I ignored the hint. + +"Then you are a prisoner of war?" I suggested. + +"In old time," he continued, "Turks have Prilep. I go to America and +workit on railroad Chicago--three, four year. When I come back Turks +take me for army. Not liking I desert to Serbish army. When war +finish, Serbs have Prilep. I go home Serbish civil. Then this war +start. Bulgar come to Prilep and say, 'You Bulgar, you come work for +us.' You understahn me, boss?" + +"I must look into this," I said to the Sergeant-Major. "Send for the +interpreter and ask the Bulgar officer to step in. He's just going +past." + +Boris arrived with a salute and a charming smile and listened to my +tale. Then he turned a cold eye on Serge and burst into a torrent of +Bulgarian, under which Serge stood with lifting scalp. + +"Sir," faltered Serge, when the cascade ceased, "I am liar. All I said +to you is false. I am good Bulgar. I hate Serbs." + +"Then you are not, in fact, a Serb?" I said. + +"Nope," said Serge, nodding his head frantically (the Oriental method +of negation). + +"Do you want to go home?" I asked cunningly. + +"Sure, boss," replied he. "Want to go Chicago." + +Boris uttered one blasting guttural and Serge receded to the horizon +with great rapidity. "You understand, _mon ami_," explained Boris; "he +is really a Bulgar, but the villainous Serb propagandists have taught +him the Serbian language and that he is Serb. It is his duty really to +fight or work for Bulgaria, just as it was ours to liberate him and +his other Bulgar brothers in Serbia from the yoke of the Serbs. It is +understood, my friend?" + +"Oh, absolutely," I replied. + +He withdrew, exchanging a glance of hatred with Aristides +Papazaphiropoulos, who approached saluting with Hellenic fervour. + +"You wish me, Sare?" he asked. + +"I did," I answered, and outlined to him what had passed. "Is it true +that propaganda is, or are, used to that extent?" + +"It is true," he answered sadly. "The Serb has much propagandism, the +Bulgar also. But in this case both are liars, since the population of +Prilep is rightfully Greek." + + * * * * * + +Three days later Boris appeared before me with a sullen face. + +"I wish to complain," he said. "You have with you a Greek, one +Papazaphiropoulos. It is forbidden by the terms of the Armistice that +Greeks should come into Bulgaria. Greeks or Serbs--it is expressly +stated. I wish to complain." + +"You are wrong," I replied. "He is no Greek. He is a Bulgar. But the +cunning Greek propagandists have taught him the Greek language and +that he is a Greek. It is really his duty to be the first to rush on +to the soil of his beloved Bulgaria--" + +"Ach!" said Boris, grinding his teeth; "you mock our patriotism. You +are an Englishman." + +"I don't," I replied. "And I'm not. I'm French. We came over in +1066. You ask my aunt at Tunbridge Wells. But the villainous English +propagandists taught me English, and the Scotch gave me a taste for +whisky, and--" + +But Boris had faded away. + + * * * * * + +ALARMING: SPREAD OF CANNIBALISM. + + "AUSTRALIANS IN FRANCE. + + "THIRD OF GERMAN ARMY EATEN." + _Queensland Paper_. + + "THOROUGHLY Experienced Cook. Capable cooking large + family."--_Ceylon Paper_. + + "WANTED, Smart Young Man or Woman, for frying."--_Provincial + Paper_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Born Grumbler_. "FOR OVER FOUR YEARS I'VE BATTLED +FURIOUSLY AGAINST A 'ARD AN' BITTER FOE. AN' 'ERE I AM CONSTRUCTIN' A +WOODEN' 'ORSE FOR THE CAPTIN'S SON."] + + * * * * * + +TO A YOUNG SUB. + +_(By a late one.)_ + + Sublime young Sir, so nuttily complacent, + So airy-poised upon thy rubbered feet, + The cynosure, no doubt, of all adjacent + Regard along that hit of Regent Street, + My thanks. In rather less than half a twinkling + Thy lofty air and high Olympian gaze + Have taught me that of which I had no inkling + Throughout my swashing military days. + + I too (_et ego in Arcadia vixi_)-- + I too have strolled like that in London town, + Demanding homage from the very bricks I + Pressed with my shoes of scintillating brown; + But never till I tried the fair corrective + Of seeing khaki from a civvy suit + Could I envisage in its true perspective + That common circumstance, a Second-Loot. + + * * * * * + +NOT DEAD YET. + + "The Hungarian Soviet Government has adopted a non-posthumous + attitude."--_Globe_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Host (to visitor just arrived)._ "GET YOUR OVERCOAT +OFF QUICKLY, MAN; THEN HE'LL THINK YOU BELONG TO THE HOUSE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE PASSING OF GREEK. + +A great thanksgiving meeting (postponed till "Summer-time" on account +of the shortage of artificial heat) was held at the Albert Hall last +Saturday to celebrate the dethronement of Greek at Oxford. Mr. H.G. +WELLS presided, and there was a numerous attendance. + +Mr. WELLS, while he struck and maintained a jubilant note throughout +his eloquent speech, tempered enthusiasm with caution. The Grecians, +he said, like the Greeks, were wily folk and capable of shamming dead +while they were all the while scheming and plotting to restore their +imperilled supremacy. Indeed he knew it as a fact that some of the +most infatuated scholars actually voted against compulsion, simply to +confuse the issue. Still, for the moment it was a great victory, a +crushing blow to Oxford, the stronghold of mediaevalism, incompetence +and Hanoverianism, and an immense relief to the sorely-tried physique +of the nation. For he was able to assure them, speaking with the +authority of one who had taken first-class honours in Zoology, that +the study of Greek more than anything else predisposed people to +influenza by promoting cachexia, often leading to arterio-sclerosis, +bombination of the tympanum, and even astigmatism of the pineal gland. +(Sensation.) + +Mr. PEMBERTON BILLING, M.P., speaking from the seat of an aeroplane, +said that he had found the little Greek he remembered from his +school-days not only no help but a positive hindrance to his advocacy +of a strong Air policy. The efforts of the Greeks as pioneers of +aviation were grossly exaggerated and, speaking as an expert, he +denounced these literary fictions as so much hot air. There were at +least forty-seven thousand reasons against Greek, but he would +be content with two. It didn't pay, and it was much harder than +Esperanto. + +Mr. WILLIAM LE QUEUX in a most impressive speech said that he was +no enemy of ancient learning. Egyptology was only a less favourite +recreation with him than revolver practice. But Greek he could never +abide, and he was confirmed in his instinct by the fact that at all +the sixteen Courts where he had been received and decorated Classical +Greek was practically unknown. It was the same in his travels in +Morocco, Algeria, Kabylia, among the Touaregs, the Senussis and the +pygmies of the Aruwhimi Hinterland. He never heard it even alluded to. +Nor had he found it necessary for his investigations into the secret +service of Foreign Powers, the writing of spy stories, the forecasting +of the Great War or the composition of cinema plays. He had done his +best to procure the prohibition of the study of Greek in the Republic +of San Marino, and he was inclined to trace the present financial +crisis in that State to his failure. (Cheers.) + +Mr. BERNARD SHAW struck a somewhat jarring note by the cynical remark +that it would be a very good thing for modern sensational authors if +Greek literature were not only neglected but destroyed, as some of the +Classical authors had been guilty of prospective plagiarism on a large +scale. He knew this as a fact, as he had been recently reading LUCIAN +in a crib and found him devilish amusing. (Uproar and cries of +"Shame!") + +A moving letter was read from Lord BEAVERBROOK, in which the great +financier declared that, in arriving at the peerage at the age of +thirty-seven, he had found his inability to read HOMER freely in the +original no handicap or hindrance. He pointed out the interesting fact +that Lord NORTHCLIFFE, who reached a similar elevation at the age of +forty, had never composed any Greek iambics, though his literary style +was singularly polished. + +It was felt that any further speeches after this momentous +announcement would inevitably partake of the nature of an anti-climax. + +The Chairman happily interpreted the feeling of the meeting by hurling +a copy of _Liddell and Scott_ on the floor of the platform and dancing +upon it, and the great assembly soon afterwards dispersed in a mood of +solemn exultation to the strains of a Jazz band. As Mr. WELLS observed +in a fine phrase, "We have to-day extinguished the lights in the +Classical firmament." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Demobilised One (to massive lady about to make her +exit),_ "EXCUSE ME WOULD YOU MIND TREADING--ACCIDENTAL-LIKE--ON THAT +MAN'S TOES? HE USED TO BE MY SERGEANT-MAJOR."] + + * * * * * + +THE TENDER-HEARTED BAILIE. + + "Accused broke down in the dock, and while weeping bitterly the + Bailie fined both girls L1 or ten days."--_Edinburgh Evening + News_. + + * * * * * + + "Lord Burray of Elibank and the Hon. Gideon Murray, M.P., have + recently had influenza and bronchitis."--_Scotch Paper_. + +From internal evidence we gather that his lordship has not yet +completely recovered. + + * * * * * + +SO SOON FORGOT. + + [A cinema has been showing a picture of M. PADEREWSKI, bearing + the legend, "The new President of Poland: once a world-famed + violinist."] + + The President of POLAND + Was born to place and power; + Yet, ere he found his mission + In filling this position, + He was a great musician-- + Men say so to this hour. + But, dash it! while the whole land + Admits his old repute, + It wonders, "Did this fellow, + At whom Queen's Hall would bellow, + Perform upon the 'cello, + Or did he play the flute?" + + The day AUGUSTUS JOHN is + Created Duke of Wales, + His countrymen will never + Stop boasting of how clever + He is at Art, whatever + (Though Burlington still rails). + But one small detail gone is + From their forgetful nuts; + Their recollection's shady-- + Did JOHN'S artistic heyday + Mean costumes for _The Lady_ + Or things for _Comic Cuts?_ + + When HALL CAINE rules a nation + As Superman of Man, + His subjects will assure us + In daily dance and chorus: + "Ere HALL presided o'er us, + Men read him as they ran. + For once his circulation + Spread over Seven Seas." + Yet memory by chance errs + In these ecstatic dancers-- + Oh, did he edit _Answers_, + Or write "Callisthenes"? + + * * * * * + +OUR HELPFUL CONTEMPORARIES. + + "But the most pressing of all the questions with which the Peace + Congress has to deal is the settlement of terms of peace with + Germany."--_Nottingham Guardian_. + + * * * * * + + "LIFE'S LITTLE MARVELS. + + "A family of eight was stated to be living on L3 a week in the + Bow County Court, and counsel said it was a marvel how they did + it."--_Bradford Daily Argus_. + +It is supposed that they take it in turns to sleep on the Bench. + + * * * * * + + "A Republic is derported to have been declared at Zagazig. In + Cairo stdikes have added to the difficulties of the public, the + latest being one by the cabddivers. Crowds ottempted to storm + the Government printing works, but were dispersed by the + military."--_Daily Paper_. + +Not, however, until they had worked some havoc among the type. + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +I was motoring homewards across the old line. A ghost-peopled dusk was +crawling over the devastation and desolation that is Vimy, and in the +distance the bare bones of St. Eloy loomed like a spectre skeleton +against the frosty after-glow. We hummed past Thelus cross-roads, +dipped downhill and, _hey presto_! all of a sudden I was in China. +(No, not Neuville-St.-Vaast; China, China, place where they eat +birds'-nests and puppy-dogs' tails.) There were coolies from some +salvage company all over the place, perched on heaps of broken +masonry, squatting along the ditch side, banked ten-deep in the +road--tall villainous-looking devils, very intently watching +something. I pulled up, partly to avoid killing them and partly to see +what it was all about. + +It was an open-air theatre. They had built it on the ruins of an +_estaminet_, roofed it over with odds and ends of tin and tarpaulin, +and the play was on. There was the orchestra against the back-cloth, +rendering selections from popular Pekin revues on the drum, cymbal and +one-stringed fiddle. There were the actors apparelled in the gorgeous +costumes of old Cathay strutting mechanically through their parts, the +female impersonators squeaking in shrill falsetto and putting in a lot +of subtle fan-work. And there was the ubiquitous property-man drifting +in and out among the performers, setting his fantastic house in order. +We were actually within a mile of the Vimy Ridge, but we might have +been away on the sunny side of Suez, deep within the mysterious heart +of Canton City. + +"Good as a three-ring circus, ain't it?" said an English voice at my +side; "most of their plays run on for nine months or so, but this +particular show only lasts six weeks, the merest curtain-raiser." + +I turned towards the speaker and looked full upon the beak nose, cleft +cheek and bristling red moustache of an old friend. "Good Lord, The +Beachcomber!" I breathed. He started, peered at me and growled, +"Captain Dawnay-Devenish, if it's all the same to you, Mister blooming +Lieutenant." + + * * * * * + + In the year 1907 John Fanshawe Dawnay-Devenish arrived in a certain +Far Eastern port, deck passenger aboard a Dutch tramp out of Batavia. +The Volendam mate accompanied him to the gang-plank, shaking a size +eleven fist: "Now yous, get, see?... an' iv yous gome bag...!" He +ground his horse-teeth and made unpleasant noises in his throat. + +"Shouldn't dream of risking it, old dear," replied John Fanshawe +pleasantly, "not on your venerable coffee-grinder anyhow--not until +she gets a navigator." He kissed his nicotined fingers to the +exploding Hollander and strolled off down the wharf, whistling "_Nun +trink ich Schnapps_." + +Arrived in the European quarter he smoothed what creases he could out +of his sole suit of drills, whitened his soggy topee and frayed canvas +shoes with a piece of chalk purloined from a billiard saloon, bluffed +a drink out of an inebriated ship's engineer and snatched a free lunch +on the strength of it. Thus fortified he visited the British Consul, +and by means of somewhat soiled letters proved that he really was a +Dawnay-Devenish of the Dorset Dawnay-Devenishes (who should be in no +way confused with the Devenish-Dawnays of Chipping-Banbury or the +Devenishe d'Awnay-Dawnays of Upper Tooting; the Dorset branch alone +possessing the privilege, granted by letters patent of ETHELRED the +Unready, of drinking the King's bathwater every Maunday Tuesday of +Leap Year). + +Awed by the name--was there not a Dawnay-Devenish occupying a plump +armchair in the Colonial Office at the time?--the Consul parted +with five hundred dollars (Mex.). Next time the yield was not so +satisfactory, not by two hundred and fifty dollars. At the end of +a month, the Consul having proved a broken reed only good for +five-dollar touches at considerable intervals, it behoved our hero to +seek some fresh source of income. He cast up-river in search of it and +disappeared from civilised ken for seven merciful years. + +In June, 1914, he beat back into port in a fancifully decorated junk, +minus one ear and two fingers, but plus a cargo of jingling genuine +money. He hired the bridal suite in the leading hotel, got hold of a +fleet of motor cars and a host of boon companions, lived on a diet +of champagne cocktails and splashed himself about with the carefree +abandon of a dancing dervish. + +By the middle of July he was "on the beach" again and once more began +to haunt the Consular office babbling of his influential relations and +his "temporary embarrassment." + +When war broke out he had thrown up the sponge altogether and "gone +yellow"; was living from hand to mouth among the Chinese. At the +end of August a ship touched at that Far Eastern port, picking up +volunteers for the Western Front. The port contributed a goodly +number, but there remained one berth vacant. The long-suffering Consul +had a stroke of inspiration. Here was a means of at once swelling +the man-power of his country and ridding himself of a pestilent +ne'er-do-well. His boys, searching far and wide, discovered John +Fanshawe in the back premises of a Malay go-down, oblivious to all +things, and bore him inanimate aboard ship. + +In this manner did our hero answer The Call. + +In due course he appeared in our reserve squadron and was detailed +to my troop. It did not take me many days to realise that I was up +against the most practised malingerer in the British (or any +other) army. Did a fatigue prove too irksome; did the jumps in the +riding-school loom too large; did the serjeant speak a harsh word unto +him, "The Beachcomber" promptly went sick. Malaria was his long suit. +By aid of black arts learned during those seven years sojourning with +the heathen Chinee he could switch malaria (or a plausible imitation +of it) on or off at will and fool the M.O.'s every time. I used to +interview them about it, but got scant sympathy. The Healers' Union +brooks no interference from outsiders. + +"Look here, that brute's bluffing you," I would protest. + +To which they would make reply, "Can you give us any scientific +explanation of how a man can fake his pulse and increase his +temperature to 102 deg. by taking thought? You can't? No, we didn't +suppose you could. Good day." + +One person, however, I did succeed in convincing, and that was the +C.O., who knew his East. "Very good," said he. "If the skunk won't +be trained he shall go untrained. He sails for France with the next +draft." + +Nevertheless our friend did not sail with the next draft. Ten minutes +after being warned for it, the old complaint caught him again, and +when the band played our lads out of barracks he was snugly tucked +away in sick-bay with sweet girl V.A.D.'s coaxing him to nibble a +little calves-foot jelly and keep his strength up. Nor did he figure +among either of the two subsequent drafts; his malaria wouldn't hear +of it. + +I went back to the land of fireworks at the head of one of these +drafts myself, freely admitting that John Fanshawe had the best of +the joke. He waved me farewell out of the hospital window by way of +emphasising this. + +The Babe followed me out shortly after, bringing about fifty men with +him. He strolled into Mess one evening and mentioned quite casually +that The Beachcomber was in camp. + +"How did you manage it?" we chorused in wonder. + +"Heard the story of his leaving China and repeated the dose," the Babe +replied. "Just before the draft was warned, my batman led him down +to Mooney's shebeen and treated him to the run of his throat--at my +expense. He came all the way as baggage." + +Thus did John Fanshawe complete the second stage of his journey to the +War. He did not remain with us long, however; a fortnight at the most. + +We were doing some digging at the time, night-work, up forward, in +clay so glutinous it would not leave the shovels and had mainly to be +clawed out by hand--filthy, back-breaking, heart-rending labour. On +calling the roll one dawn I found that The Beachcomber was missing. + +"Anybody seen anything of him?" I asked. + +"Yessir, I did," a man replied, and spat disgustedly. + +"Well," I inquired, "was he hit or anything?" + +The man grunted, "No, Sir; I don't think 'e was 'it; I think 'e was +fed up. 'Call this war, do they?' says 'e to me. 'I call it blawsted +WORK!' I told 'im to get on wiv it an' do 'is whack. + +"'E chucks a couple of spoonfuls of muck and then sits down. 'I can +feel me damned ol' malaria creepin' over me again, Jim,' says 'e. +'Noticed a Red Cross outfit in the valley; think I'll be totterin' +along there,' says 'e. 'So long.' And that was the last the regiment +saw of its Beachcomber." + + * * * * * + +"Have it as you like, Captain Dawnay-Devenish," I said, "but before I +go tell me, how did you wangle this job?" + +"Any affair of yours?" he sneered. + +"No," I admitted; "still I'm interested." + +He laughed unpleasantly. "Yes, you would be. Always infernally keen on +minding my business for me, weren't you? Well, if you must know, I was +convalescing when these same Chows started a pogrom in the next camp. +I stopped it, and the powers--who were scared stiff--tacked a stripe +on me and told me to carry on." + +"That accounts for the stripe," said I; "but what of the stars?" + +"Oh, them! We were behind the line down south last year laying a toy +railway when the Hun broke clean through in a fog. Remember? I pulled +the Chinks together and we stopped 'em. That's all." + +"Good Lord, that wasn't you, was it?" I cried. "Set about 'em with +picks and shovels, shrieking Chinese war-cries and chopped 'em to +bits. Oh, splendid! But how on earth did you rouse these tame coolies +to it?" + +The Beachcomber tugged his red moustache and laughed deprecatingly. +"It wasn't very difficult really. You see, these birds of mine are +only temporary coolies. In civilian life they're mostly river pirates, +Tong-fighters and suchlike professional cut-throats. Killing comes +natural to 'em. They only wanted somebody who could organize and lead +'em." + +"And you could?" + +The Beachcomber drew himself up proudly. + +"I should hope so. Wasn't I their Pirate King for seven long years?" + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR COURTEOUS TELEPHONE SERVICE. + +_City Magnate_. "YOU'VE CUT ME OFF! HELL!!" + +_Sweet Voice from the other end_. "THAT WILL BE A TRUNK CALL."] + + * * * * * + +SELF-DETERMINATION IN DEVON. + + "At a public meeting at Barnstaple, the Vicar presiding, it + was decided to form a local branch of the League of + Nations."--_Western Morning News_. + +Won't WILSON be bucked? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Little Girl (in foreground)._ "MOTHER, I SUPPOSE THE +BRIDEGROOM _MUST_ COME TO HIS WEDDING?"] + + * * * * * + +THE LAST WATCH OF THE NIGHT. + + The hand of dawn is on the door + That seals the dolorous arch of night; + Dim gardens and hushed groves once more + Dream of the half-forgotten light; + Yet all the ancient fires are cold + On altars battered and forlorn, + And men grope still for gauds of gold, + Oblivious of the imminent morn. + + When comes the dawn? Its unseen dew + Distils on folded swath and mound, + Where grass is deep or sods are new, + And branches shake without a sound; + Where, numberless and low and grey, + The furrows lessen to the sky; + There sleep the sons of England, they + Who died that England should not die. + + Better--ah, better for us all, + For them who sleep and us who wake, + That never bird at dawn should call + Nor golden foam of morning break; + That on one high cairn of the dead + The ultimate light should be unsealed, + Than that the world should live unled, + Unchanged, unpurified, unhealed. + + Life and all things that make it fair + Men gave that better lives might be; + They went exulting and aware + Forth to the great discovery; + But who will prize life over-much + Or deem that death comes over-soon + If hands of fools and barterers touch + The architrave of Hope half-hewn! + + Under a brave new baldachin, + New robes drooped o'er their crimson feet, + The old unaltered twain begin + Their ride along the embannered street; + With golden charms for men to kiss + A-swing from wrist and bridle-rein, + The brethren Pride and Avarice, + The monarchs of the world again. + + If this thing be and no new world + Rise from the old dead world beneath, + Then morning's chaplet seven-pearled + Is made the bauble-crest of death; + All dreams belied, all vows made void, + Pale Hope a wingless fugitive, + And man a stumbling anthropoid-- + Can these things be if England live? + + If England live, the anarch tide + Shall lose itself among her waves, + And the grey earth be glorified + By the young blossom on her graves; + And by her grace no power shall part; + Fulfilment from the dreams that were, + If still the music of her heart + Be theirs who lived and died for her. + + D.M.S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DOVE AT SEA. + +BIRD OF PEACE. "EXCUSE ME, BUT IS THIS THE ARK?" + +MAN OF WAR. "DUNNO NOTHIN' ABOUT NO ARK; BUT WE'RE FOR ARK-ANGEL, IF +THAT'S ANY USE TO YOU."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +[Illustration: _Sultan Addison (his mind on the house famine)._ "TELL +ME THE STORY OF THE PALACE BUILT IN A SINGLE NIGHT."] + +_Monday, April 7th_.--The FIRST COMMISSIONER OF WORKS is determined +that there shall be no slack time in the furniture-removing industry. +To that end he is arranging that the business-premises in Kingsway +now being vacated by the Government shall be filled by the Commission +Internationale de Ravitaillement, that the Commission's old premises +shall then be occupied by the Air Ministry, and that the Hotel Cecil +shall then be restored to its original owners--unless, of course, it +should be wanted by the Department lately housed in Kingsway. "Musical +chairs," muttered Colonel WEDGWOOD. + +That was not the hon. and gallant Member's only contribution to the +gaiety of the proceedings. He essayed to move the adjournment in order +to discuss the situation of our troops in Russia, but was reminded +that there was already a motion on the Order Paper dealing with that +subject and standing in his own name. An attempt to perform the +difficult manoeuvre of getting out of his own light was frustrated by +the SPEAKER, who, to the argument that the motion on the Paper +dealt with a wider subject, replied "_Majus in se minus continet_." +Overwhelmed by this display of erudition, the victim murmured "_Der +Tag!_" and collapsed. + +In moving the Second Reading of the Housing Bill Dr. ADDISON thought +it necessary to disclaim any intention of posing as "an Oriental +potentate," modestly adding, "I do not look the part." He has, +however, one characteristic of the Eastern ruler, namely, a delight in +long stories. It took him two hours to tell the House in melancholy +monotone all about the defects of our present system and his proposals +for removing them. Unfortunately he has not the Oriental gift of +transforming slums into palaces in a single night, but hopes to +produce a similar effect by treating the local authorities with a +judicious mixture of subsidies and ginger. + +_Tuesday, April 8th_.--Congratulations to Lord ASKWITH on taking his +seat in the House of Lords and condolences (in advance) to those +foreign journals which will inevitably announce that the ex-PRIME +MINISTER has overcome his objections to taking a peerage. + +Lord BUCKMASTER'S futile attempt to resist the passage of the Military +Service Bill was chiefly remarkable for his epigrammatic description +of the present SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR--"a man of great capacity, a +man of most restless and versatile energy and unconquerable will, +and of the most vivid and most illimitable and elusive vision of +any politician of recent time." Several public schoolmasters, I +understand, have already noted its possibilities as a suitable extract +for translation into Tacitean Latin. + +Lord CURZON hastened to assure Lord BUCKMASTER that, though deprived +of his co-operation, the present Cabinet thought itself equal +to coping with Mr. CHURCHILL. As for the Bill, there were still +storm-clouds over Europe that might break at any moment; and every +threatened nationality was uttering the same cry, "Send us British +troops." Although we could not respond to all these appeals, we must +have the power to give aid when the circumstances required it. + +Some of our warriors are already experiencing the horrors of peace. +Mr. CHURCHILL has promised searching inquiry into the case of the +officer who sent a hundred-word telegram--at Government expense--about +a dog; and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, on his attention being called to the +forty-three motorcars still in use by the War Office, gave an answer +which implied an impending slump in joy-rides. + +Sir MARTIN CONWAY'S anxiety that an "archaeologically-qualified +official" should be entrusted with the duty of protecting the ancient +monuments of Mesopotamia was relieved by Mr. FISHER. Such an official +had already been sent out--not from the War Office, where all the +"archaeologically qualified" are presumably too busy--but from the +British Museum. Part of his work had been kindly done for him by the +German scientists, who had collected ninety cases of specimens, now in +our hands. The removal of bricks or other antiquities had long been +forbidden--rather a blow to Dr. ADDISON, who in the present shortage +of building material is very envious of the new Bavarian Government +with a bricklayer at its head. + +_Wednesday, April 9th_.--In the Commons Dr. MACNAMARA announced that +the Admiralty did not propose to perpetuate the title "Grand Fleet" +for the principal squadron of His Majesty's Navy. The Grand Fleet is +now a part of the history that it did so much to make. + +On the Third Reading of the Ministry of Health Bill Mr. J.H. THOMAS +made a rather ungracious allusion to the Local Government Board. _De +moribundis nil nisi bonum_ should have been his motto, especially as +the old Department has done splendid work (and never better than in +recent times under Sir HORACE MONRO) for the health and comfort of His +Majesty's lieges. + +If words were as effective as bullets the Bolshevist Government in +Russia would have but a brief existence. The rumour that LENIN had +made overtures to the Allies moved Mr. CLEM EDWARDS to a display of +virtuous vituperation that Mr. BOTTOMLEY found difficult to equal, +though he did his best. Even Colonel WEDGWOOD, though he evidently +thinks we ought to make peace with LENIN, indignantly repudiated the +suggestion that he himself is a Bolshevist. Towards the close of the +evening the HOME SECRETARY declared that no proposals from LENIN had +reached our delegates in Paris--a statement which, if made a few hours +earlier, would have rendered the debate superfluous. In his opinion +the proposals, whatever they may be, had been "made in Germany" and +should be excluded as goods of enemy origin. His statement that he was +deporting Bolshevists every day was satisfactory so far as it went, +but left the House wondering how they had been permitted to get here. + +_Thursday, April 10th_.--The House does not feel quite the same +without its BONAR, who has once more flown off to Paris. Question +after Question was "postponed" for his return. We were informed, +however, that the delay in releasing Charles the First from internment +was due to the necessity of repairing sundry damages to his fabric, +due, I understand, not to Zeppelins or Gothas, but to the corroding +tooth of Time. + +Several Questions regarding an explosive magazine at Dinas Mawddwy +have lately been addressed to the Ministry of Munitions. Hitherto +they have received rather cryptic replies, no one in the Department +apparently being prepared to pronounce the name. But this afternoon +Mr. HOPE, after a few preliminary sentences to get his voice into +condition, boldly blurted out, "Dinnus Mouthwy," and received the +tribute which the House always pays to true courage. + +[Illustration: MODIFIED MOTOR FACILITIES. + +STAFF-OFFICERS PASSING THROUGH WHITEHALL ON THEIR WAY TO LUNCHEON.] + +The LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION, hitherto a dual personality, is now +three single gentlemen rolled into one. Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT has +accepted the leadership of a new Liberal Party, and with Colonel +GODFREY COLLINS and Mr. ALBION RICHARDSON as his attendant Whips, duly +took his seat upon the Front Bench. Someone challenged the intrusion +of non-Privy Councillors into that sacred precinct. But the SPEAKER +dismissed the objection with the remark, "There is more room upon +that bench than on any other, you know." It is expected that, in +contradistinction to the "Wee Frees," the new Party will be known as +the "Auld Lichts." + + * * * * * + + "It is impossible to plough on account of the large number of + unexploded shells and bombs buried in the soil. These are now + being employed by the Engineers."--_Evening Paper_. + +We trust they will manage to avoid the traditional fate of the +engineer. + + * * * * * + +UNEMPLOYMENT NOTES. + +Government unemployees at present engaged in drawing their weekly +donation are requested to call at the Labour Exchange every day at 10 +A.M. Morning dress. + +It is not permissible for applicants to send their wives, valets or +chauffeurs to represent them. + +Smoking is not prohibited, but applicants are requested not to offer +tobacco, cigarettes or cigars to the officials. + +Arrangements are to be made to provide entertainment by means of +concert parties and motor-trips; also newspapers and periodicals, in +which, to avoid annoyance, the "Situations Vacant" column has been +blacked out. + +It is desirable that applicants should not wear fur coats. The present +fashion does not go beyond a grey tweed lounge suit, with white spats +and velours hat. + +A limited number of openings are offered to any who care to act as +batmen to unemployed munition-workers. + +A doctor is in future to be kept at every Labour Exchange to render +first-aid to those who should be offered a situation. + +Applicants are requested not to tease the officials. + + + * * * * * + +JARGON. + +From a speech at a Medical conference:-- + + "He was ashamed of the term 'shell-shock.' It was a bad word, and + should be wiped out of the vocabulary of every scientific man. + It was really molecular abnormality of the nervous system, + characterised by abnormal reactions to ordinary stimuli."--_Daily + Paper_. + +We must try to remember this. + + * * * * * + +A MODEST ESTIMATE. + +From a publisher's advertisement:-- + + "Baroness Orczy has laid the world under a fresh debt of + gratitude. 7/- net."--"_Times" Literary Supplement_. + + * * * * * + + "The question one could naturally put is, 'Has the + millennium arrived, when the lion and the lamb shall lay + together?'"--_Monthly Paper_. + +Let's hope, at all events, that the produce won't be a cockatrice's +egg. + + * * * * * + + "This is the anniversary of the death of Robert Southey in 1843. + Perhaps his most celebrated poem is the delightful 'Ode to a + Skylark,' the beginning of which 'Hail to thee, blithe spirit,' is + known to every school child."--_New York Evening Journal_. + +It seems that Truth still stands in need of propaganda in America. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Amateur Photographer (on a conducted tour in +France)._"CHARMING SPOT; BUT RATHER DISAPPOINTING. I _QUITE_ HOPED IT +WOULD HAVE BEEN ALL SMASHED UP."] + + * * * * * + +FINANCIAL INTELLIGENCE. + +The decision of _The Westminster Gazette_ to return to its old figure +of a penny must not be taken as a sign that prices generally are +coming down. On the contrary there is every indication that they are +rising and will still rise, as the following symptomatic scraps of +news, gathered from all parts of the country, go to prove:-- + +The First Commissioner of Oaths states that "twopenny damns" will, +until further notice, be eight-pence each. + + * * * * * + +A schoolmaster in Birmingham who propounded the old question about +a herring and a half costing three half-pence has been put under +restraint as a dangerous lunatic. + + * * * * * + +If the information that reaches us from a little bird is correct, a +boycott of sparrows is in progress, owing to their inveterate habit of +saying, "Cheep! Cheep!" + + * * * * * + +Mr. HEINEMANN announces that, as a concession to modern +susceptibilities, he has decided to alter the title of Mr. +HERGESHEIMER'S successful novel, _The Three Black Pennys_ to _The +Three Black Half-crowns._ + + * * * * * + +All guinea-pigs and guinea-fowls will from the present date onwards be +two guineas. + + * * * * * + +In the best profiteering circles cigars are now lighted with spills +made of one-pound, notes, instead of, as during the war, ten-shilling +ones. + + * * * * * + +A well-known orchestral leader states that there is a serious movement +afoot to popularise "The Dear Home Land" as an encore for the National +Anthem. + + * * * * * + +The legal profession has long been concerned by the fact that lawyers' +fees remain so fixed in a world given over to flux. It has now been +decided that, although the fees shall remain the same, less value +shall be given. For six-and-eightpence a solicitor will in future give +only half his attention, by listening with only one ear. + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + + "EGGS FOR SALE. + + "Why go out of ---- to be swindled? Come to the ---- Poultry Farm." + + * * * * * + + "IN MY GARDEN. + + "April 4.--Now is a suitable time to saw sweet peas."--_Daily + Mirror._ + +When the stalks are very strong we always use an axe. + + * * * * * + +L'ALLEGRO. + + Haste thee, Peace, and bring with thee + Food and old festivity, + Bread and sugar white as snow, + The bacon that we used to know, + Apples cheap, and eggs and meat, + Dainty cakes with icing sweet, + And in thy right hand lead with thee + The mountain nymph (not much U.P.). + Come, and sip it as you go, + And let my not-too-gouty toe + Join the dance with them and thee + In sweet unrationed revelry; + While the grocer, free of care, + Bustles blithe and debonair, + And the milkman lilts his lay, + And the butcher beams all day, + And every warrior tells his tale + Over the spicy nut-brown ale. + Peace, if thou canst really bring + These delights, _do_ haste, old thing. + + * * * * * + + "WINTER SPORTS IN FRANCE.--Sledges were constructed out of + empty ration-boxes, whilst the old flappers used for dispersing + poison-gas from dug-outs did duty as snow-shoes."--_Daily Paper_. + +The young flappers were no doubt better engaged. + + * * * * * + +PINK GEORGETTE. + +Joyce, at breakfast that morning, had announced firmly that if I +really loved her I would take the pattern up to town with me and "see +what I could do." What she failed to realise was that, if I ventured +alone into the midst of so intimately feminine a world as Bibby and +Renns' for the purpose of matching stuff called Pink Georgette, I +should become practically incapable of doing anything at all. + +The only redeeming feature about the whole nerve-racking business was +that he found me as soon as he did. + +"Good afternoon, Sir," he said in a most ingratiating voice. "What can +we have the pleasure of showing you, Sir?" + +He was tall and handsome, with a perfectly waxed moustache and a +faultless frock-coat. He bowed before me with a sort of solicitous +curve to his broad shoulders, and the way he massaged one hand with +the other had a highly soothing effect. + +"Pink georgette, Sir? Certainly, Sir." To my inexpressible relief he +seemed to consider it the most likely request in the world. + +A moment before I had been drifting hopelessly, in a state of most +acute self-consciousness. But with him to guide me I set off quite +boldly. + +At what proved to be exactly the right spot he paused. + +"Miss Robinson," he called; "pink georgette." + +With a polite introductory wave of the hand he motioned me towards +the lady. He hovered about, near by, whilst I opened the bit of +tissue-paper containing the pattern and murmured my needs to Miss +Robinson. His very presence gave me confidence. + +When it was all over he came up and led me away. As we emerged into +the stronger light near the door I peered at him closely. Then I +touched him on the arm and beckoned him behind a couple of Paris +models. + +I took hold of his hand and wrung it fervently. + +"Sergeant Steel," I said, "you always _did_ have the knack of being in +exactly the right spot at the right moment. I haven't set eyes on you +since that very hot day in '16, when you brought up the remnants of 14 +platoon and pulled me out of that tight corner at Guillemont. That +was a valuable bit of work, Sergeant, but nothing to this--simply +nothing!" + +The solicitous curve had straightened out from his broad shoulders. +His hands had ceased their soothing massage. His heels were together, +his arms glued to his sides, his eyes glaring at a fixed point +directly over the top of my head. + +"Thought it was you, Sir, as soon as I saw you. But of course I wasn't +going to say anything till you did." It was not the ingratiating +voice now, but that rasping half-whisper he always used for nocturnal +conferences in the front line. "Never heard anything of you, Sir, +since you went down with a Blighty after Guillemont. Beg your pardon, +Sir, but you looked a bit windy as you came in just now, so I thought +I'd keep in support.... Yes, Sir, got my ticket last month--only been +back on my old job a fortnight." + +I tapped the parcel that Miss Robinson's own fair hands had made up +for me. + +"This a good issue, Sergeant?" I said. "Sound and reliable and all +that?" + +"Couldn't be better, Sir. I had my eye on her. We only drew it +ourselves lately. That's the stuff to give 'em. You can safely carry +on with that, Sir ... a perfect match ... exquisite blending of colour +... those art shades are to be very fashionable this season, I assure +you, Sir." + +Imperceptibly his hands had resumed their massage, the solicitous +curve had returned to his broad shoulders, his voice was ingratiating +again. + +"We have a large range of all the daintiest materials. I believe our +charmeuse, ninons and crepe-de-Chines to be unrivalled in town, Sir. +A little damp under foot to-day, Sir, but warmer, I think--distinctly +warmer. Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir, _Good_ day, Sir." + +And Sergeant Steel (D.C.M. and four chevrons) bowed me into the +street. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I DON'T THINK I CARE ABOUT THAT ONE. IT MAKES ME LOOK +LIKE ONE OF THESE 'ERE SPANISH DANCERS."] + + * * * * * + +LITERARY GOSSIP. + +MR. WELLS has a new volume of collected Prefaces coming out this week, +with an Introduction and an Epilogue by Sir HARRY JOHNSTON. It will be +remembered that in _Joan and Peter_, a comparatively early work of +Mr. WELLS--it was published, if our memory serves us, before the +Armistice--handsome acknowledgment was made of Sir HARRY JOHNSTON'S +administrative ability and high aims; and it is pleasant to know that +in the long interval that has elapsed nothing has occurred to modify +their mutual admiration. + + * * * * * + +The firm of Black and Green will shortly publish Lord DYSART'S +monumental monograph on _China Tea: the Universal Antidote._ Lord +DYSART establishes the remarkable fact that the word "dyspepsia" was +practically unknown until the introduction of Indian and Ceylon tea. +Mr. WELLS, who contributes an illuminating Preface, points out that +the troubles of Russia are entirely due to the cutting off of the +supplies of caravan tea from China (the leading Bolshevists prefer +vodka to tea in any form) and the consequent recourse to inferior +synthetic substitutes. The rival merits of cream, milk and lemon are +carefully discussed both from the gustatory and hygienic standpoint, +Mr. WELLS pronouncing in favour of lemon, in which idiosyncrasy +he resembles Mr. CONRAD and Mr. GALSWORTHY. The volume is richly +illustrated with pictures of rare tea-pots, tea-caddies and samovars, +and contains a set of humorous verses dedicated to the author by Mr. +T. LEIF JONES. + + * * * * * + +The Right Hon. REGINALD MCKENNA'S new book, _The Proud Podsnaps_, +will be his first novel, and we hear it is to be humorous. His +distinguished relative, Mr. STEPHEN MCKENNA, Mr. WELLS and Mr. HERBERT +JENKINS have all written encouraging Prefaces to it; and Master +ANTHONY ASQUITH has added two essays on commercial aviation and a +couple of brilliant caricatures of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE and Mr. WINSTON +CHURCHILL. + + * * * * * + +Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE'S _Life of the Kaiser_ is already far advanced, but +he has laid it on one side in order to collaborate with Sir ARTHUR +CONAN DOYLE in the authoritative biography of Sir OLIVER LODGE. It +is understood that of the chapters dealing with the physiognomy +and phrenological aspect of the subject Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE will be +exclusively responsible for those on the frontal regions of Sir +OLIVER'S cranium, while Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE will devote himself to +the occipital Hinterland. In this way it is hoped that the whole +area, which is enormous, will be adequately covered. The book will be +published by Messrs. Odder and Odder at 10s. 6d.; but a limited +number of copies, with special tambourine and planchette attachments, +will be available at L2 2s. + + * * * * * + +To the list of biographies of the PRIME MINISTER already published or +in contemplation there remains to be added one by an author who veils +his identity under the pseudonym of "Mount Carmel." It will bear the +title, _Lloyd George_--_Saint or Dragon_? and will be prefaced by an +introduction by Mr. Stickham Weed, in which that eminent publicist +discusses the antagonism of the Celtic temperament to Jugo-Slav +ideals. The book will be published at Fontainebleau. + + * * * * * + +The new Cardiff firm of Jenkins and Jones announce a novel from the +pen of Mr. Caradoc Blodwen, who had to fly from his native village +last year owing to the realistic picture he gave of local life in _The +Home of the Squinting Widows_. It is to be called _Taffy was a Thief_; +and those who have had the privilege of seeing early copies of the +book, which Mr. Blodwen wrote during his seclusion amongst the Hairy +Ainus, describe it as lurid in the extreme. + + * * * * * + +Mr. Cuthbert Skrimshanks's new novel is being looked forward to +expectantly by those who admire the vital and distinguished artistry +of his work. The author, it will be remembered, was employed in a firm +of ginger-beer bottlers before he took to literature, and Mr. WELLS, +who contributes a Preface, dwells happily on the stimulating and +phosphorescent quality which his literary work owes to his employment, +and contrasts it favourably with the flatness of Eton "Pop." + + * * * * * + +Yet another Shakspearean volume, which promises to be of engrossing +interest, has been written by Lord BLEDISLOE. It is to be called +_Bacon and Hamlet_, and Sir THOMAS LIPTON has contributed an +Introduction, in which the organisation of the food supply in the +Elizabethan age is exhaustively described. This exhaustive work, which +is dedicated to General STORRS, the Governor of Jerusalem, will be +published by Messrs. FORTNUM and MASON. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Nurse (reproachfully)._ "WHO DIDN'T FOLD UP HIS +TROUSERS WHEN HE WENT TO BED?" + +_Tony_. "I KNOW. ADAM. I CAN ALWAYS GUESS THESE SUNDAY RIDDLES."] + + * * * * * + +"C'EST LA GUERRE." + +A brace of chemists' labels:-- + + This preparation is issued in amber glass pots, as a War Emergency + Measure, when white glass is not available owing to shortage." + + "War Bottle. Amber glass is not obtainable just now, so we have to + use white glass. May we ask you to grant us your kind indulgence + under the circumstances?" + + * * * * * + + "A bullet fired at a pig from a humane killer, struck the wall + of a Merthyr Tydvil slaughterhouse, ricochetted and wounded a + butcher's manager."--_Daily Paper_. + +The victim regards the name of the instrument as most inept. + + * * * * * + + "Lord Salvesen, the presiding judge, arrived in Aberdeen on Monday + night, and gave a winner in the Palace Hotel."--_Sunday Paper_. + +We hope to meet him in London before the Derby. + + * * * * * + +POLLY. + +_(With acknowledgments to Mr. KIPLING.)_ + + I went into a private 'ouse to get a place as cook; + The lady ups an' greets me with a most angelic look: + "I've just been makin' tea," she sez, "I 'opes as you will try + These little scones wot I 'ave baked;" and to myself sez I: + "It was Polly this, an' Polly that, an' 'Polly, scrub the + floor,' + But it's 'If you please, Miss Perkins,' since we won the + bloomin' War; + We won the bloomin' War, my girls, we won the bloomin' War, + It's 'If you please, Miss Perkins,' since we won the + bloomin' War." + + The lady she was out to please; we talked about the weather, + An' when the tea was done we smoked a cigarette together, + An' then we talked o' jazzin' an' the BILLIE CARLETON case, + An' so we come in course o' time to talkin' o' the place. + + "You won't mind cookin' lunch?" sez she. Sez I, "Without a doubt, + On Toosdays an' on Fridays, which they ain't my 'alf-days out; + An' dinner, too, I'll manage"--'ere the lady give a grin-- + "On Mondays an' on Thursdays, which they 'll be my evenings in." + + "An' wot about the breakfast?" "Don't you worry, mum," sez I, + "I'm willin' to oblige you every single blessed dye, + Bar Sundays, when my young man comes; 'e's such a bloomin' toff, + 'E takes me up the river, so I takes the 'ole day off." + + "That's excellent," the lady sez, "I'll easy do the rest, + So if you come, Miss Perkins, you will be our honoured guest, + For Mr. Vere de Vere an' I do all we can an' more + To please the splendid women wot 'ave bin an' won the War." + + Well, seein' as the lady seemed to 'ave the proper view, + I took the situation an' I 'opes as it will do. + Of course there may be drawbacks, but you can't get _all_ you wish, + For aprons ain't quite overalls an' cookin' ain't munish. + It was Polly this, an' Polly that, an' "Ugh! the mutton's red;" + But it's "_Won't_ you come, Miss Perkins?" now we're paid to + stay in bed; + An' it's Polly this, an' Polly that, an' anythink you please; + An' Polly ain't a bloomin' fool--you bet that Polly sees! + + * * * * * + +"LES BEAUX ESPRITS SE RENCONTRENT." + + "Persons expressing unpopular views (by which I mean views opposed + to such patriots as Horatio Bottomley, Colonel Lowther, and + our own hon. and gallant member of Parliament, et hog genus + omne)."--_Letter in "The Daily News_." + + "There have been more pig posts than there have been big men able + to fill them.--Mr. Bonar Law."--_Bristol Times and Mirror_. + + * * * * * + +From an article on the Zeebrugge exploit:-- + + "An on-shore wind was needed to carry the fog-screen in advance + of the blockships. Absence of fog was essential. A fog would be + beneficial. These desiderata postulated a concurrence of + favourable conditions, and on April 23 they were not all + present."--_Cologne Post_. + +We gather that the Censor, shortly to be demobilised at home, still +maintains his watch on the Rhine. + + * * * * * + +CRITICISM IN EXCELSIS. + +There was a good deal of excitement in the Elysian Fields when the +news went round that the Committee had exercised their power of +electing a certain distinguished Shade to full membership of the +Asphodel Club without a ballot. The general opinion seemed to be that +the Committee had acted wisely, and that the election was in every way +justified. A few members, however, expressed disapproval, not so +much on account of any demerits of his own as of the effect that his +election might produce on the sensitive minds of some who were already +members. + +"This Dr. SAMUEL JOHNSON," said one who had been busy in canvassing +opinions, "is fully qualified for membership, but I fear he may have a +deleterious effect on JOHN MILTON and THOMAS GRAY. Did he not roughly +criticise them in his _Lives of the Poets_, and do you think that +MILTON is one who will sit down tamely under the affront? MILTON has +been for years and is still one of our most distinguished members. +Indeed, he has almost the standing amongst us of a highly-respected +Bishop. He uses the Club a great deal, and I fear his comfort will be +much reduced by the admission of one who regards his poetry with a +hostile eye." + +"In what way," said another, "has the denouncer of SALMASIUS become +entitled to complain of rough attacks? Nor has his character been +assailed. In that he remains episcopal. Only in his poetry is he made +to suffer." + +"But he is made to suffer pretty heavily," said a third. "Hear what +JOHNSON said with regard to our friend's _Lycidas_:-- + +"'One of the poems on which much praise has been bestowed is +_Lycidas_; of which the diction is harsh, the rhymes uncertain and the +numbers unpleasing. What beauty there is we must therefore seek in the +sentiments and images. It is not to be considered as the effusion of +real passion; for passion runs not after remote allusions and obscure +opinions. Passion plucks no berries from the myrtle and ivy, nor calls +upon Arethuse and Mincius, nor tells of rough _satyrs_ and _fauns +with cloven heel_. Where there is leisure for fiction there is little +grief. + +"'In this poem there is no nature for there is no truth; there is no +art for there is nothing new. Its form is that of a pastoral: easy, +vulgar and therefore disgusting.' + +"Do you call that criticism?" + +"Ah, but listen," said another and much agitated Shade, "to what he +says of our respected THOMAS GRAY. The Committee must have forgotten +how it goes:-- + +"These odes are marked by glittering accumulation of ungraceful +ornaments; they strike rather than please; the images are magnified by +affectation, the language is laboured into harshness. The mind of the +writer seems to work with unnatural violence. _Double, double, toil +and trouble_. He has a kind of strutting dignity and is tall by +walking on tiptoe." + +The agitated Shade was about to proceed further with his protest when +a sound of cheering stopped him. And lo and behold! an approving +throng was circling round the new member, and in the thick of it were +JOHN MILTON and THOMAS GRAY. + + * * * * * + +"FOR THIS RELIEF," ETC. + +From a Girl Guides' report:-- + + "The thanks of the Association are due to the following ladies who + have resigned...." + + * * * * * + + "Sir George Newman and Mr. Philip Snowden have resigned their + membership of the Central Control Board" (Liquor Traffic). + + "Caruso has sung at 550 performances."--_Evening Paper_. + +All the same, there seems to have been a lack of harmony. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady (who has called on two successive Wednesdays, the +fourth and fifth of the month, and has been told each time that Lady +Smith-Robinson is not at home)._ "BUT I THOUGHT HER LADYSHIP WAS AT +HOME ON ALTERNATE WEDNESDAYS?" + +_Parlourmaid (with dignity)._ "NO, MADAM. HER LADYSHIP IS AT HOME ON +THE FIRST AND THIRD WEDNESDAYS IN THE MONTH; BUT WHEN THERE IS A FIFTH +WEDNESDAY THAT IS TO _OUR_ ADVANTAGE."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_ + +_My War Experiences in Two Continents_ (MURRAY) is made up of the +diary and letters of Miss MACNAUGHTAN, written during her search for +work that might help in the great Task. The book, it is sad to say, +must serve as her memorial to those many whom she has amused by her +bright and wholesome stories. Worn out by labours and quests beyond +her strength she fell sick at Teheran in 1916 and returned to England +to die. In 1914 she had done fine service with her soup-kitchen in +Flanders, where her energy and almost too tender sympathy had full +scope and the reward of good work accomplished. She seemed also to be +happy in her lecture tour on her return to England, trying to arouse +the sluggish-minded to a sense of the gravity of the business. But +in her Russian and Persian adventure it is clear that she was deeply +disappointed at feeling herself unwanted and useless in a region +of waste and muddle. It is probable that for all her courage and +unselfish devotion she was too sensitive to the suffering she +encountered ever to attain the routine indifference which makes work +among such horrors possible. Her deep religious convictions aggravated +rather than eased that suffering. She was honestly old-fashioned and +never took quite kindly to the khaki-breeched free-spoken young women +of the subsidiary war services, had a hatred of muddle and was a +little severe on men, though acknowledging that "young men are the +kindest members of the human race." True this, I should say, who am no +longer young. "The war is fine, _fine_, FINE, though I don't get near +the fineness except in the pages of _Punch_." Charming of her to say +that. + + * * * * * + +The heroine of _Miss Fingal_ (BLACKWOOD) is called by her publishers +"a woman whose distinguishing trait is femininity," to which they add, +with obvious truth, "a refreshing creation in these days." Really, +in this one phrase Messrs. BLACKWOOD have covered the ground so +comprehensively that I have little more to do than subscribe my +signature. To fill in details, Mrs. W.K. CLIFFORD'S latest is a +quietly sympathetic tale about a lonely gentlewoman (this you can take +either as one or two words) rescued from a life of penury by the +will of a rich uncle, transferred from her tiny flat in Battersea to +Bedford Square and a country cottage, expanding in prosperity, and +generally proving the old adage that where there's a will there's a +way, indeed several ways, of spending the result agreeably. As I have +said, it is all the gentlest little comedy of happiness, not specially +exciting perhaps. I find it characteristic of Mrs. CLIFFORD'S method +that the only at all violent incident, a railway smash, happens +discreetly out of sight, and does no more than provide its victim +with an enjoyable convalescence, and the attentive reader with the +suggestion of a psychological problem that is both unnecessary and +unconvincing. The best of the tale is its picture of _Miss Fingal_ +herself, rescued from premature decay and gradually recovering her +youth under the stimulus of new interests and opportunities. Whether +the now rather too familiar _Kaiser-ex-machina_ solution was needed in +order to rid the stage of a superfluous character is open to question; +but at all events it leaves _Miss Fingal_ happy in companionship and +assured of the success that waits upon a satisfactory finish. + + * * * * * + +"How can I"--I seem to hear the author of _Elizabeth and Her German +Garden_ communing with herself--"how can I write a story, with all +my necessary Teutonic ingredients in it, which shall be popular even +during the War?" And then I seem to see the satisfaction with which +she hit upon the solution of inventing pretty twin girls of seventeen, +an age which permits remarks with a sting in them to be uttered +apparently in innocence and yet is marriageable or, at any rate, +engageable; making them orphans; giving them a German father and +an English mother, and very mixed sympathies, in which England +predominates; and sending them to America to pass its novelty under +their candid European eyes. Much of the satisfaction which her scheme +must have given to the authoress of _Christopher and Columbus_ +(MACMILLAN) is shared by its readers, although the feeling that it has +been made to order to fit a difficult market is never absent. For much +of the dialogue, and often when most amusing, does not ring true, +and we are occasionally asked to believe that the twins could be far +slower in the uptake than at other, and less inconvenient, times they +show themselves to be. But the book is another sufficing proof that +the male sex has no monopoly of humour. + + * * * * * + +Mr. CHRISTOPHER CULLEY, in his rather superfluous and petulant preface +to _Billy McCoy_ (CASSELL), observes that such reviewers as "may find +time to skip through its pages" will probably call it a Romance. Well, +skipping or not, here is one reviewer who will not disappoint him. +A story of a hero who adventures into sinister places, disregards +repeated warnings to "go back ere it is too late" (or the American for +that entrancing formula), meets there a Distressed Damsel and kisses +her as introduction, and finally, after an infinity of perils, is +left with the D.D. as his B.B., or blushing bride--this I state +emphatically to be not only Romance, but a most excellent brand of +that article. What however Mr. CULLEY seems most to fear is that we +shall think that _McCoy_ himself and the whole setting (New Mexican +scenes) are all make-believe. He need have had no such alarm in my +case. I have, I remember, already commented on the admirable reality +of his cowboys, as exemplified in the hero of a previous story. +_Billy_, if just a little less convincing, is in many ways a worthy +companion. But Mr. CULLEY'S heroines always strike me as inferior to +his men. They have the air of hanging about in corners of the tale, +and generally of being rather a nuisance than a delight to their +creator. But the heroine of _Billy McCoy_ makes hardly a pretence +of being other than a lay figure; without her it would be just as +entertaining and exciting, if perhaps less completely furnished for +Romance. + + * * * * * + +While reading _"Q" Boat Adventures_ (JENKINS) I kept on telling myself +that it ought to be read in small doses if the greatest enjoyment +was to be got from it; but all the same I could not let it out of my +hands. "The 'Q' boat," says Lieutenant-Commander AUTEN, V.C., "was a +'stunt' possible only to a nation of sailors. Officers might be found +for 'Q' boats in any country with a seaboard; but men--no;" and I +imagine that few Englishmen will be found to deny this statement. +Elizabethan days for all their spaciousness contained nothing more +incredibly brave than the exploits of these decoy boats, exploits +which could only be carried out if absolutely every man taking part in +them played his role to perfection. And it cannot be too widely noted +that after the Huns had become suspicious the "Q" boat had to invite +a torpedo as a preliminary to real business. Officers and men alike +deserve all the gratitude their nation can give them, not only for +their courage in action, but also for their patience when spending +dreary months without getting to grips with the enemy. Few things are +more demoralizing than to wait to be attacked and to find no one kind +enough to accommodate you; but even during all these long periods +of inaction the discipline and keenness of the "Q" boat crews never +relaxed. Lieut.-Commander AUTEN has done a great service in telling us +of these astounding achievements and of the infinite difficulties in +the way of their successful accomplishment. We may be a nation of +short memories, but it is impossible to believe that our "Q" boats +will ever be forgotten. + + * * * * * + +Anything more Pettridgian than _The Bustling Hours_ (METHUEN) cannot +be conceived and cannot certainly be written. That means that Mr. PETT +RIDGE'S latest book will be heartily welcomed and thoroughly enjoyed +by the large circle of his readers. Mr. PETT RIDGE is as good as a +tonic in these depressing days, and without any effort he keeps at a +high level of sane cheerfulness. His heroine is a certain _Dorothy +Gainsford_, who has the gift of turning up at exactly the right moment +and of getting exactly the right thing done, or more often of doing it +herself. She really is a marvel and the last word in efficiency. There +is only one thing at which I hint a doubt or hesitate dislike. She +takes a banjo with her to a picnic on the Upper Thames. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Professor (who has inadvertently pulled the +shower-bath handle)._ "TYPICAL APRIL WEATHER!"] + + * * * * * + + There was a young man who said, "How, + With the minimum sweat of my brow, + Can I find jobs to do + For a maximum screw?" + So they said to him, "Why not try Slough?" + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +156, APRIL 16, 1919*** + + +******* This file should be named 11732.txt or 11732.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/7/3/11732 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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