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diff --git a/11570-h/11570-h.htm b/11570-h/11570-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d4e552e --- /dev/null +++ b/11570-h/11570-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2380 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, November 7, 1917.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11570 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 153.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>November 7, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page311" + id="page311"></a>[pg 311]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>No sooner had the <i>Berliner Tageblatt</i> pointed out that + "Dr. MICHAELIS was a good Chancellor as Chancellors go" than he + went.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>The Daily Mail</i> is very cross with a neutral country + for holding up their correspondent's copy. If persisted in, + this sort of thing might get us mixed up in a war.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Highgate man has been fined forty shillings for feeding a + horse kept solely for pleasure upon oats. His plea, that the + animal did not generate sufficient power on coal-gas, left the + Bench quite cold.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A ratcatcher has been granted three pounds of sugar a week + until Christmas by a rural Food Control Committee, whom he + informed that rats would not look at poison without sugar. The + rats' lack of patriotism in refusing to forego their poison in + these times of necessity is the subject of unfavourable + comment.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There is no foundation for the report that a prominent + manufacturer identified with the Liberal Party has been offered + a baronetcy if he will contribute five pounds of sugar to the + party funds.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>No confirmation is to hand of the report that Commander + BELLAIRS, M.P., has been <i>spurlos versnubt</i>.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Why can't the Navy have a Bairnsfather?" asks <i>The Weekly + Dispatch</i>. This habit of carping at the Senior Service is + being carried to abominable lengths.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Charged with failing to report himself, a man who lived on + Hackney Marshes stated that he did not know there was a war on, + and that nobody had told him anything about it. A prospectus of + <i>The Times'</i> History of the War has been despatched to him + by express messenger.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Efforts of the Industrial Workers of the World to establish + themselves in this country have received no encouragement, says + Sir GEORGE CAVE. They were not even arrested and then + released.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We trust there is no truth in the rumour that the Air + Ministry Bill has gone to a better pigeon 'ole.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>No information has reached the Government, it was stated in + the House of Commons recently, that toasted bread is being used + as a substitute for tea. The misapprehension appears to have + been caused by an unguarded admission of certain tea merchants + that they have the public on toast.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We felt sure that the statement declaring that Mr. CHURCHILL + had in a recent speech referred to "my Government" would be + contradicted. The slight to <i>The Morning Post</i> would have + been too marked.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In a case at Bow Police Court it was stated that it took + fifteen policemen and an ambulance to remove a prisoner to the + police-station. It is supposed that the fellow did not want to + go.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Too much importance must not be attached to the report + emanating from German sources that Count REVENTLOW has been + appointed Honorary Colonel to the Imperial Fraternisers + Battalion.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to <i>The Evening News</i> a gang of thieves are + "working" the West End billiard saloons. So far no billiard + tables have been actually stolen, but a sharp look-out is being + kept on men leaving the saloons with bulgy pockets.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Addressing a Berlin meeting Herr STEGERWALD said, "We went + to war at the side of the Kaiser, and the All Highest will + return from war with us." If we may be permitted to say + anything, we expect he will be leading by at least a couple of + lengths.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/311.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/311.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Film Producer</i> (<i>to cinema artist + hesitating on the threshold</i>). "YOU'D SOONER NOT, + EH? WHAT DO YOU THINK I GOT YOU EXEMPTED FOR?" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Commercial Candour.</h3> + + <p>From a Native Tender for Works:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"In last we hope to be favoured with your orders, in the + execution of which we will neglect nothing that can cause + you any inconvenience."</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"In the past quarter there were 19 births (6 males and + 13 females), comprising 10 between 1 and 65 years, and 9 65 + and upwards."—<i>Huntingdonshire Post</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The method of dodging the Military Service Acts adopted by + these elderly infants strikes us as distinctly unpatriotic.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h3>Looking Ahead.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Comfortable Home for young lady as paying guest; every + convenience; near Cemetery."—<i>Local Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Nothing which happens in Russia ... can alter the bare + fact that Germany is <i>in extremis</i>. I am not sure that + <i>articula mortis</i> wouldn't be the correct + term."—<i>John Bull</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We, on the other hand, are quite sure it wouldn't.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"'Is it fresh, salt, Danish, or what?' one of the shop + assistants was asked.</p> + + <p>'Don't know,' he replied, as he wiped the perspiration + from his brow, and into the heap of butter with his + pats."—<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The vogue of margarine is now explained.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Servant (general), lady, two gentlemen; no + starch."—<i>Scotsman</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We are glad to see that mistresses are taking a firm line + against the prevailing stiffness of manners below stairs.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Of 9,048 houses in Newport only 5,130 are occupied by + one family."—<i>The Western Mail</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>If full advantage were taken of the housing accommodation it + appears that Newport would contain almost two nowadays.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h3>GERMAN OFFICIAL.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Only a slight gain near Poelcapelle, 300 inches deep by + 1,200 inches wide, remains to the + enemy."—<i>Nottingham Evening Post</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>But by this time the Germans have discovered that, when they + give him an inch, Sir DOUGLAS HAIG takes an ell.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page312" + id="page312"></a>[pg 312]</span> + + <h2>MORE TALK WITH GERMAN PEACEMONGERS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Including an incidental reference to Mr. H.G. + WELLS.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[The writer has received a pontifical brochure by Mr. + WELLS, reprinted from <i>The Daily News</i>, sold by the + International Free Trade League and entitled "A Reasonable + Man's Peace", in which the following passage + occurs:—"The conditions of peace can now be stated in + general terms that are as acceptable to a reasonable man in + Berlin as they are to a reasonable man in Paris or London + or Petrograd.... Why, then, does the waste and killing go + on? Why is not the Peace Conference sitting now? Manifestly + because a small minority of people in positions of peculiar + advantage, in positions of trust and authority, prevent or + delay its assembling."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When with another winter's horror nearing</p> + + <p class="i2">Once more you send along the old, old + dove</p> + + <p>And frame with bloody lips that hide their + leering</p> + + <p class="i6">A canticle of love;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It has no doubt a most seductive cadence,</p> + + <p class="i2">But we who look for argument by fact</p> + + <p>We miss conciliation's artful aidance,</p> + + <p class="i6">We note a want of tact.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Your words are redolent of pious unction;</p> + + <p class="i2">Your deeds, your infamies, by sea and + shore,</p> + + <p>Go gaily on without the least compunction</p> + + <p class="i6">Just as they went before.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We are not caught with olive-buds for baiting;</p> + + <p class="i2">Something is needed just a shade less + crude,</p> + + <p>Something, for instance, faintly indicating</p> + + <p class="i6">The penitential mood.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>While still the stain is on your hands extended</p> + + <p class="i2">We'll hold no commerce with your frigid + spells,</p> + + <p>Even though such a move were recommended</p> + + <p class="i6">By Mr. H.G. WELLS.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Rather, without a break, like <i>Mr. + Britling</i></p> + + <p class="i2">(Though the brave wooden sword his author + drew</p> + + <p>Seems to have undergone a certain whittling),</p> + + <p class="i6">We mean to "see it through."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE GREAT MAN.</h2> + + <p>What am I doing, Dickie? Well, I'll tell you. I'm one of + those subalterns you hear of sometimes. You know the kind of + things they do? They look after their men and ask themselves + every day in the line (as per printed instructions), "Am I + offensive enough?" In trenches they are ever to the fore, + bombing, patrolling, raiding, wiring and inspecting gas + helmets. Working-parties under heavy fire are as meat and + drink, rum and biscuits to them. Once every nine months, and + when all Staff officers have had three goes, they get leave in + order to give excuse for the appointment of A.P.M.'s. There are + thousands of us, and we are supposed to run the War. These are + the things which I am sure (if you get newspapers in Ceylon) + jump into your mind the moment I mention the word subaltern, + and I may as well tell you that in associating me with any one + of these deeds at the present time you are entirely wrong.</p> + + <p>I sit in a room, an office papered with maps in all degrees + of nakedness, from the newest and purest to those woad-stained + veterans called objective maps. In this room, where regimental + officers tread lightly, speak softly and creep away, awed and + impotent—HE sits. "HE" is a G.S.O.3, or General Staff + Officer, third grade. He it is who looks after the welfare of + some hundred thousand troops (when everybody else is out). I am + attached to him—not personally, be it understood, but + officially. I am there to learn how he does it (whatever it + is). High hopes, never realised, are held out to me that if I + am good and look after the office during mealtimes I shall have + a job of my very own one day—possibly two days.</p> + + <p>And he is very good to me. He rarely addresses me directly, + except when short of matches, but he often gives me an insight + into things by talking to himself aloud. He does this partly to + teach me the reasoning processes by which he arrives at the + momentous decisions expected of a G.S.O.3, and partly because + he values my intelligent consideration.</p> + + <p>This morning, for instance, furnished a typically brilliant + example of our co-operation. "I wonder," he said (and as he + spoke I broke off from my daily duties of writing to + Her)—"I wonder what about these Flares? Division say they + want two thousand red and white changing to green—oh no, + it's the other lot; no, that <i>is</i> right—I don't + think they <i>can</i> want two thousand <i>possibly</i>. We + might give them half for practice purposes, or say five + hundred. Still, if they say they want two thousand I suppose + they do; but then there's the question of what we've got in + hand. All right, <i>let them have them</i>."</p> + + <p>That was one of the questions I helped to settle.</p> + + <p>"Heavens!" he went on, "five hundred men for digging cable + trenches! No, no, I don't think. They had five hundred only the + other night—no, they didn't; it was the other + fellows—no, that was the night before-no, I was right as + usual. One has so many things to think of. Well, they can't + have them, that's certain; it can't be important—yes, it + is, though, if things were to—yes, yes—<i>we'll let + them have them</i>."</p> + + <p>You will note that he said "we." Co-operation again. I + assure you I glowed with pleasure to think I had been of so + much assistance.</p> + + <p>I had hardly got back to my letter when we started off + again.</p> + + <p>"Well, that's my morning's work done—no, it + isn't—yes, no, by Jove, there's a code word for No. 237 + Filtration Unit to be thought out. No, I shan't, they really + <i>can't</i> want one, they're too far back—still they + <i>might</i> come up to filter something near enough to want + one—no I <i>won't</i>, it's sheer waste—still, I + suppose one ought to be prepared—oh, yes, give them + one—give them the word 'strafe'; nobody's got that. Bong! + That's all for to-day."</p> + + <p>And now you know what part I play in the Great War, + Dickie.</p> + + <p>Yours, JACK.</p> + + <p>P.S.—Just off for my morning's + exercise—sharpening the Corps Commander's pencils.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A "PUNCH" COT.</h3> + + <p>Some time ago Mr. Punch made an appeal on behalf of the East + London Hospital for Children at Shadwell. He has now received a + letter from the Chairman, which says: "By a unanimous + resolution the Board of Management have desired me to send you + an expression of their most grateful thanks for your help, + which, it is no exaggeration to say, has saved the Hospital + from disaster." He adds that the Board "would like to give a + more practical proof of their gratitude," and proposes, as "an + abiding memorial," to set aside a Cot in the Hospital, to be + called "The Punch Cot."</p> + + <p>It gives Mr. Punch a very sincere pleasure to convey to + those who so generously responded to his appeal this expression + of the Board's gratitude, and he begs them also to accept his + own.</p> + + <p>The sum so far contributed by Mr. Punch and his friends + amounts to £3,505.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page313" + id="page313"></a>[pg 313]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/313.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/313.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>INTERLUDE.</h3> + + <p>ST. PATRICK, "THAT'S NOT THE WAY I DEALT WITH POISONOUS + REPTILES. WHAT'S THE GOOD OF TRYING TO CHARM IT?"</p> + + <p>MR. LLOYD GEORGE, "I'M NOT TRYING TO CHARM IT. I'M JUST + FILLING IN THE TIME."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page314" + id="page314"></a>[pg 314]</span> + + <h2>THE RECORDER.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[At the concluding session of the Museums Association + Conference in Sheffield, Councillor Nuttall, of Southport + said it was desirable that every town should make a voice + record of every soldier who returned home from the wars, + describing his experience in fighting. It would be a + valuable record for future generations of the family to + know what their ancestor did in the Great War.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>In an Expeditionary Force whose vocabulary included several + lurid words there was a certain Battalion renowned for the + vigour of its language. And in that Battalion Private Thompson + held a reputation which was the envy of all. Not only had he a + more varied stock of expletives than anyone else, but he seemed + to possess a unique gift for welding them into new and + wonderful combinations to meet each fresh situation. Moreover + he had an insistent manner of delivering them which alone was + sufficient to place him in a class by himself. It was not long + before many of his friends gave up trying altogether and let + Private Thompson do it all for them. It is even rumoured that + on occasions men in distant parts of the line would send for + him so that he might come and give adequate expression to + feelings which they felt to be beyond their range.</p> + + <p>To show you the extent of his fame, it is only necessary to + mention that Lieutenant —— composed an ode all + about Private Thompson and got it published in + <i>Camouflage</i>, the trench gazette of the Nth Division. Two + of the verses went, as far as I can remember, something like + this:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As Private Thompson used to say,</p> + + <p class="i2">He couldn't stand the War;</p> + + <p>He cursed about it every day</p> + + <p class="i2">And every night he swore;</p> + + <p>And, while a sense of discipline</p> + + <p>Carried him on through thick and thin,</p> + + <p>The mud, the shells, the cold, the din</p> + + <p class="i2">Annoyed him more and more.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The words with which we others cursed</p> + + <p class="i2">Seemed mild and harmless quips</p> + + <p>Compared to those remarks that burst</p> + + <p class="i2">From Private Thompson's lips;</p> + + <p>Haven't you ever heard about</p> + + <p>The Prussian Guard at X Redoubt,</p> + + <p>How Thompson's language laid them out</p> + + <p class="i2">Before we came to grips?</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Anyhow, after bespattering the air of France and Flanders + with a barrage of anathemas for the best part of a year, + Private Thompson did something creditable in one of the pushes, + and retired to a hospital in England, whence he emerged a few + months later with a slight limp, a discharge certificate and a + piece of coloured ribbon on his waistcoat. Having expressed his + opinion on hospital life, he returned to his native town.</p> + + <p>His first shock was when he was met at the station by the + local band and conducted up the Station Road and down the + beflagged High Street to the accompaniment of martial and + patriotic strains. His second was when he was confronted at the + steps of the Town Hall by the Mayor and an official gathering + of the leading citizens, with an unofficial background of the + led ones, and found himself the subject of speeches of + adulation and welcome.</p> + + <p>He was too dumbfounded to grasp all that was said, but he + recovered his senses in time to hear the Mayor assuring his + audience that it gave him great pleasure, indeed he might go so + far as to say the very greatest pleasure, to welcome on behalf + of their town one who had upheld with such distinction and + bravery the reputation and honour of the community. And that, + although he did not wish to keep them any longer, yet he must + just add that he was going to ask Mr. Thompson then and there, + while the remembrance of his terrible hardships was still fresh + in his mind, to impart them to a phonograph, so that the + archives of the town might not lack direct evidence of the + experiences, if he might so express it, of her bravest citizen, + and future generations might know something of the noble + thoughts that surged in so gallant a breast in times of danger, + and the fine and honourable words with which those thoughts had + been uttered.</p> + + <p>The Mayor's peroration annoyed Thompson; the cheers that + followed it annoyed him still more, and the subsequent shower + of congratulations and vigorous slaps on the back threatened to + move him to reply in a speech which might have been + unintelligible to the ladies present.</p> + + <p>Fortunately the danger was averted. Before he could come + into action a select committee of two, specially appointed for + the purpose, had seized him by the arms and was conducting him + up the steps of the Town Hall. The rapidity and the unexpected + nature of the movement threw him out of gear, and he was forced + to adopt an attitude of sullen silence during the progress of + the little party across the Council Chamber and through a + doorway leading into a small room.</p> + + <p>This room was furnished only with a table and a chair. On + the former stood a phonograph; into the latter the Committee + deposited ex-Private Thompson and explained to him that he was + desired to sit there and in his own words to recount into the + trumpet of the machine his experiences at the Front. That + becoming modesty, they added, which hitherto had sealed his + lips should now be laid aside. Posterity must not be denied the + edification of listening to a hero's story of his share in the + Great War. The phonograph was then turned on and the disc began + to revolve with a slight grating sound that set Thompson's + teeth on edge. He was about to address a few remarks to the + Committee when they tactfully withdrew, leaving him alone with + the instrument.</p> + + <p>For a few seconds he was silent. The machine rasped + unchallenged through a dozen revolutions. Then he took a deep + breath and, leaning forward, thrust his head into the yawning + mouth of the trumpet.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>His Worship has sampled the record. The session was a secret + one, but the Town has been given to understand that the disc + has been sealed up and put away for the use of posterity + only.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/314.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/314.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p>"HERE, STICK YOUR HEAD DOWN, CHARLIE."</p> + + <p>"WHAT—IS THERE AN ORDER COME ROUND ABOUT IT?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Commercial Candour.</h3> + + <p>Letter recently received from a firm of drapers:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Madam,—With reference to your blue Silk + Mackintosh, our manufacturers have given the garment in + question a thorough testing, and find that it is absolutely + waterproof. If you will wear it on a dry day, and then take + it off and examine it you will see that our statement is + correct.</p> + + <p>Assuring you of our best services at all times,</p> + + <p>We are, Madam,</p> + + <p>Your obedient Servants,</p> + + <p>—— & SONS, Ltd."</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page315" + id="page315"></a>[pg 315]</span> + + <h2>A DEAL WITH CHINA.</h2> + + <p>Fritz having killed the mule, it devolved upon the village + Sanitary Inspector to see the carcass decently interred, and on + application to the C.O. of the nearest Chinese labour camp. I + presently secured the services of two beautiful old ivory + carvings and a bronze statue, clad in blue quilted uniforms and + wearing respectively, by way of head-dress, a towel turban, a + straw hat and a coiffure like an early Victorian penwiper. It + was the bronze gentleman—the owner of the noticeable + coiffure—who at once really took charge of the working + party.</p> + + <p>He introduced himself to me as "Lurtee Lee" (his official + number was thirty-three), informed me he could "speakel + Engliss," and, having by this single utterance at once + apparently proved his statement and exhausted his vocabulary, + settled down into a rapt and silent adoration of my tunic + buttons.</p> + + <p>Before we had proceeded thirty yards he had offered me five + francs (which he produced from the small of his back) for a + single button. At the end of one hundred yards the price had + risen to seven twenty-five, and arrived upon the scene of + action the Celestial grave-digger made a further bid of eight + francs, two Chinese coins (value unknown) and a tract in his + native tongue. This being likewise met with a reluctant but + unmistakable refusal, the work of excavation was commenced.</p> + + <p>Now when three men are employed upon a pit some six feet + square they obviously cannot all work at the same time in so + confined a space. One man must in turn stand out and rest. His + rest time may be spent in divers ways.</p> + + <p>The elder of the two ivory carvings spent his breathing + spells in philosophic reverie; the younger employed his leisure + in rummaging on the neighbouring "dump" for empty tobacco tins, + which he concealed about his person by a succession of feats of + legerdemain (by the end of the morning I estimated him to be in + possession of about thirty specimens). Lurtee Lee filled every + moment of his off time in the manufacture of a quite beautiful + pencilholder—his material an empty cartridge case, his + tools a half-brick and a shoeing nail.</p> + + <p>Slowly the morning wore on—so slowly, indeed, that at + an early period I cast aside my tunic and with spade and pick + endeavoured by assistance and example to incite my labourers to + "put a jerk in it." Noon saw the deceased mule beneath a ton or + so of clay, and Lurtee Lee, whether from gratitude or sheer + camaraderie, gravely presented me with the now completed + pencil-holder. No, not a sou would he accept; I was to take it + as a gift.</p> + + <p>At this moment a European N.C.O. from the Labour Camp came + upon the scene and kindly offered to save me a journey by + escorting Lurtee Lee and Company to quarters. They shuffled + down the road, and I turned to put on my tunic. One button was + missing.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/315.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/315.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Jock</i>. "MAN, IT'S AN AWFU' PUIR DAY FOR + FECHTIN'.'"</p> + + <p><i>Donal'</i>. "AY. BUT IT'S AN AWFU' GUID DAY FOE + GETTIN' THE FU' WARRUMTH AN' COMFORT OOT O' THE RUM + RATION."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>MORE GERMAN FRIGHTFULNESS.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Hindenburg sent a great number of bug guns to General + Boroevics."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h3>ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Early in the operations a jet of water struck the Chief + Officer of the Fire Brigade directly in the right eye, + completely blinding him for the time; and he had to be + assisted away but returned shortly after. The Brigade are + to be complimented on their work."—<i>Rangoon + Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The complete cessation of the exports of opinion from + India to China is a distinct landmark in the moral progress + of the world."—<i>South African Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This seems rather sweeping. What about Sir RABINDRANATH + TAGORE?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page316" + id="page316"></a>[pg 316]</span> + + <h2>THE STEW.</h2> + + <h3>FRAGMENT OF A SHAKSPEAKEAN TRAGEDY.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["There are many things with which a stew can be + thickened."—<i>Extract from Regimental + Order</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>SCENE I.—<i>Battalion Orderly-Room.</i></p> + + <p><i>Flourish. Enter</i> Colonel <i>and</i> Adjutant.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Colonel.</i> I do mistrust the soft and temperate + air</p> + + <p class="i4">That hath so long enwrapped us. No + "returns</p> + + <p class="i4">Of bakers," visitations of the Staff,</p> + + <p class="i4">Alarms or inquisitions have disturbed</p> + + <p class="i4">Our ten days' rest. Nothing but casual + shells</p> + + <p class="i4">And airy bombs to mind us of the War.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Adjutant.</i> Oh, Sir, thy zeal hath mated with + thy conscience</p> + + <p class="i4">And bred i' the mind mistrustful doubts + and fears,</p> + + <p class="i4">A savage brood, which being come to + manhood</p> + + <p class="i4">Do fight with sweet content and eat her + up.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Colonel.</i> Alas! it is the part of those who + govern</p> + + <p class="i4">To play the miser with their present + good</p> + + <p class="i4">For fear of future ill. But who comes + here?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2"><i>Enter</i> Messenger.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Messenger.</i> So please you I am sent of General + Blood</p> + + <p class="i4">To bid you wait his coming.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Colonel.</i> When?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Messenger.</i> To-morrow.</p> + + <p class="i4">He purposes to visit your command</p> + + <p class="i4">About the dinner-hour. [<i>Exit.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Colonel.</i> Now let th' occasion</p> + + <p class="i4">Be servant to my wits. "The + dinner-hour."</p> + + <p class="i4">Twice hath he come; and first upon + parade</p> + + <p class="i4">Inspected all the men; the second + time</p> + + <p class="i4">The transport visited. Surmise hath + grown</p> + + <p class="i4">To certainty. He will inspect the + dinners!</p> + + <p class="i4">Go, faithful Adjutant, stir up the + cooks</p> + + <p class="i4">And bid them thicken stews and burnish + pots.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Adjutant.</i> I take my leave at once and go. + [<i>Exit</i> Adjutant.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Colonel.</i> Farewell.</p> + + <p class="i4">Now with elusive Chance I'll try a + fall</p> + + <p class="i4">And on the fateful issue risk my all. + [<i>Flourish. Exit.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>SCENE II.—<i>A kitchen. In the middle a dixie. + Thunder.</i></p> + + <p><i>Enter</i> Three Cooks.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>First Cook.</i> Thrice the dreadful message + came.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Second Cook.</i> Thrice the mystic buzzer + buzzed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Third Cook.</i> Sergeant cries, "'Tis time, 'tis + time."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>First Cook.</i> Round about the dixie go;</p> + + <p class="i10">In the dense ingredients + throw—</p> + + <p class="i10">Extra bully, every lump</p> + + <p class="i10">Pinched from some forbidden dump,</p> + + <p class="i10">Biscuits crunched to look like + flour,</p> + + <p class="i10">Cabbage sweet and onions sour—</p> + + <p class="i10">Make the broth as thick as glue.</p> + + <p class="i10">The General will inspect the stew.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>All.</i> Fire burn and dixie bubble,</p> + + <p class="i10">Double toil or there'll be trouble.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Second Cook.</i> 'Taters in the cauldron + sink,</p> + + <p class="i10">Peeled by hands as black as ink;</p> + + <p class="i10">Portions of a slaughtered cat,</p> + + <p class="i10">Piece of breakfast-bacon fat,</p> + + <p class="i10">Bits of boot and bits of + stick—</p> + + <p class="i10">Make the gruel slab and thick.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>All.</i> Fire burn and dixie bubble,</p> + + <p class="i10">Double toil or there'll be trouble.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Third Cook.</i> German sausage won in fight</p> + + <p class="i10">On some dark and stormy night,</p> + + <p class="i10">Dim and murky watercress</p> + + <p class="i10">Stolen from a Sergeants' Mess,</p> + + <p class="i10">Slabs of cheese and chunks of ham,</p> + + <p class="i10">Lumps of plum and apple jam,</p> + + <p class="i10">Bits of paper, ends of string,</p> + + <p class="i10">Mixed with any damned thing,</p> + + <p class="i10">In the cauldron mingle quick</p> + + <p class="i10">So the stew be dense and thick.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>All.</i> Fire burn and dixie bubble,</p> + + <p class="i10">Double toil or there'll he trouble. + [<i>Exeunt.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>SCENE III.—<i>Outside kitchen. Alarums.</i></p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2"><i>Enter</i> Orderly Corporal.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Orderly Corporal.</i> Here's a pretty pass. + Eyewash,</p> + + <p class="i4">eyewash, eyewash. And such a running to + and fro and a go</p> + + <p class="i4">this way and a go that way, and a + burnishing up of old</p> + + <p class="i4">brass and a shouting of horrid words, as + though the Devil</p> + + <p class="i4">himself were inspecting his own furnace. + Faith, an I</p> + + <p class="i4">were eyewashing Beelzebub I could catch + it no hotter.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10">[<i>Shouting within.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Anon, anon. I will eyewash it no further. + [<i>Exit.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2"><i>Flourish. Enter</i> Colonel, Adjutant, + Quartermaster</p> + + <p class="i2">and Sergeant-Cook.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Colonel.</i> Is all prepared?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Sergeant-Cook.</i> The dinners would content</p> + + <p class="i4">RHONDDA himself.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Quartermaster.</i> The General comes.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2"><i>Flourish. Enter</i> General <i>and</i> + Attendants.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>General.</i> Good Colonel,</p> + + <p class="i4">Our greetings are the warmer for the + thought</p> + + <p class="i4">Of visits past.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Colonel.</i> The service that we owe</p> + + <p class="i4">In doing pays itself. Will you + inspect</p> + + <p class="i4">The dinners?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>General.</i> First we'll greet the Adjutant,</p> + + <p class="i4">Whom well we recollect.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Adjutant.</i> This is an honour</p> + + <p class="i4">Which makes our labours light. Will you + be pleased</p> + + <p class="i4">To inspect the dinners?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>General.</i> Yes, but let us first</p> + + <p class="i4">Discuss the general welfare of the + troops</p> + + <p class="i4">Whose good's our care.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Sergeant-Cook (aside to Colonel).</i> The time is + getting long;</p> + + <p class="i4">The stew's congealing fast.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Colonel.</i> Good General,</p> + + <p class="i4">Your grace toward our people doth + confound</p> + + <p class="i4">Th' expression of our gratitude. The + hour</p> + + <p class="i4">For dinner is at hand. An you would + grace</p> + + <p class="i4">The issue with your presence it would + make</p> + + <p class="i4">The meal the sweeter.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>General (aside).</i> There doth seem to be</p> + + <p class="i4">More than politeness in these + invitations.</p> + + <p class="i4">(<i>To Colonel</i>) I am no cook to judge + by sight and touch</p> + + <p class="i4">The flavour of a dish. Issue the + dinners</p> + + <p class="i4">To all the rank and file, that so my + pleasure</p> + + <p class="i4">In marking their expressions of + content</p> + + <p class="i4">Be equal to the praise I shall + bestow.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Voice within.</i> Help! help! The cooks have + fainted in the stew.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Adjutant.</i> They'll not be noticed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Colonel.</i> Now hath fortune proved</p> + + <p class="i4">My master. I'll not live a slave to + Chance.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10">[<i>Eats some of the stew and + dies.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>General.</i> Conscience hath claimed her toll and + is content.</p> + + <p class="i4">We'll go inspect another regiment.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>CURTAIN.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A member of the Chancery Bar consults us on the following + point: "I was awakened," he says, "by my dog during a recent + air-raid. He was so annoyed that he consumed the whole of + <i>Lewin on Trusts</i> and commenced <i>Tudor on Wills</i>, and + is now suffering from severe indigestion. Have I or has the dog + any equitable remedy?"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page317" + id="page317"></a>[pg 317]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/317.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/317.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>TERRORS OF THE SCOTTISH LANGUAGE.</h3> + + <p><i>Housemaid in Glasgow Hotel</i>. "YE CANNA GANG TO THE + BATHROOM THE NOO."</p> + + <p><i>Sassenach</i>. "WHY NOT?"</p> + + <p><i>Housemaid</i>. "THERE'S A BODY IN THE BATH."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE NEW MRS. MARKHAM.</h2> + + <h3>IV.</h3> + + <h3>CONVERSATION ON CHAPTER LXXI.</h3> + + <p><i>Mary</i>. You spoke, Mamma, of CHAUCER being the Father + of English poetry. Was there <i>any</i> English poetry before + the discoveries of Lord EDWARD MARSH?</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M</i>. Certainly, my dear. CHAUCER was our first + eminent poet, but, as a distinguished American critic has + observed, he could not spell. This greatly interfered with his + popularity. Then there was SHAKSPEARE, who wrote quaint + old-fashioned plays quite unsuitable for filming, but + nevertheless enjoyed a certain fame until it was proved that he + never existed and that SHAKESPEARE was the name of a syndicate; + or that if he did exist he was somebody else; when all interest + in his work naturally evaporated. The abolition of rhyme, about + the year 1920, gave a fresh impetus to English poetry, and now, + as you know, almost anyone can write it fluently, whereas + formerly the easiest poems were written with the greatest + difficulty. Indeed one reads of some old poets who were not + able to produce a mere hundred lines in a day. Under the + "free-verse" system, some of the Palustrine (or Marshy) School + have been known to produce as many as three thousand lines in a + day and to earn in a week as much as MILTON, an old poet of the + seventeenth century, received for the whole of his greatest + work, on which he was engaged for years.</p> + + <p><i>Richard</i>. You have often talked about people going + into sanctuary. What does it mean?</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M</i>. Originally every church, abbey, or + consecrated place was a sanctuary, and all persons who had + committed crimes or were otherwise in fear of their lives might + secure themselves from danger by getting into them. But in the + reign which we have been discussing it came to be used + specially of the House of Commons from the number of tiresome + and objectionable people who sought refuge there, because of + the freedom from legal penalties which they enjoyed. Once safe + in the House of Commons they said and even did things which, if + they had been said or done in public, or even in private, would + have exposed them either to prosecution or personal + chastisement. Ultimately the nuisance became so great that the + privilege of sanctuary was abolished, and the tone of the House + of Commons greatly improved.</p> + + <p><i>Mary</i>. I could not quite understand that story about + the King and the public jester.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M</i>. In earlier reigns it was customary for kings + and nobles to have in their retinue some one whose business it + was to play the fool, and who was privileged to say or do + anything that was ridiculous for the sake of diverting his + master. Although this practice had died out the privilege was + usurped by a certain number of writers and speakers, who sought + to attain notoriety by making themselves as unpleasant or + ridiculous as possible on every occasion. It requires some + cleverness to be a great fool, and though some of these public + buffoons were clever men the majority had more malice than wit, + and in time exhausted the patience of the people. Finally, in + order to protect them from the violence of the infuriated + populace, the Government were obliged to deport the chief + offenders to the Solomon Islands, where cannibalism then + prevailed.</p> + + <p><i>George</i>. Did they play on anything else besides + mouth-organs in those days?</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M</i>. They had many curious musical instruments + which are now entirely obsolete. Of these the most popular was + the pianoforte, a large <span class="pagenum"><a name="page318" + id="page318"></a>[pg 318]</span> wooden box with a long + horizontal keyboard, which the player struck with his + fingers. Considerable and sometimes even distressing + dexterity was attained by the performers, who indulged in + all sorts of strange antics and gestures. The exercise was + found to be remarkably beneficial to the growth of the hair, + but it had compensating disadvantages, leading to cramps, + dislocations and other troubles. Ultimately pianoforte + playing was suppressed, largely owing to the exertions of + the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Elephants, the + tusks of that animal being in great request for the + manufacture of the keys.</p> + + <p><i>Richard</i>. I shall never go to the Zoological Gardens + without rejoicing over the suppression of the pianoforte.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M</i>. Another favourite instrument was the violin, + a small and curiously shaped apparatus fitted with four + strings, which, when rubbed or scraped with horsehair tightly + stretched on a narrow wooden frame, were made to produce sounds + imitating the cries of various animals, especially the mewing + of a cat, to perfection. But as the timbre of the instrument + did not lend itself to successful mechanical reproduction by + the gramophone it fell into disuse.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/318.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/318.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p>SCENE.—<i>Basement during an air-raid. Loud noise + without</i>.</p> + + <p><i>The Right Kind of Boy</i> (<i>with great + animation</i>). "MUMMY, ARE WE WINNING?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Punch's Roll of Honour.</h3> + + <p>We are very sorry to learn that Captain A.W. LLOYD, Royal + Fusiliers, who for some time illustrated the Essence of + Parliament, has been badly wounded in East Africa. We join his + many friends in England and South Africa in sending him our + sincerest hopes for his restoration to health and strength.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>"HE-WHO-MUST-BE-OBEYED."</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>SIR ARTHUR YAPP, Sir ARTHUR YAPP,</p> + + <p>He is a formidable chap;</p> + + <p>He says the best of this year's fashions</p> + + <p>Is to obey his rule for rations.</p> + + <p>To every man and every maid</p> + + <p>Of every sort of social grade,</p> + + <p>Sir ARTHUR YAPP, Sir ARTHUR YAPP.</p> + + <p>He <i>is</i>—to put the thing with + snap—</p> + + <p class="i2">He-Who-<i>Must</i>-Be-Obeyed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sir ARTHUR YAPP, Sir ARTHUR YAPP,</p> + + <p>He simply doesn't care a rap</p> + + <p>For any one—his only passion's</p> + + <p>Compelling us to keep our rations;</p> + + <p>Downrightly he demands our aid;</p> + + <p>He will not have the troops betrayed.</p> + + <p>Sir ARTHUR YAPP, Sir ARTHUR YAPP,</p> + + <p>He <i>is</i>—the right man in the + gap—</p> + + <p class="i2">He-Who-<i>MUST</i>-Be-Obeyed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sir ARTHUR YAPP, Sir ARTHUR YAPP,</p> + + <p>He says the way to change the map—</p> + + <p>The way that all of us can smash Huns—</p> + + <p>Is simply sticking to our rations;</p> + + <p>Whereas the Hun will have us flayed</p> + + <p>Unless the waste of food is stayed.</p> + + <p>Sir ARTHUR YAPP, Sir ARTHUR YAPP,</p> + + <p>He <i>is</i> right through this final lap—</p> + + <p class="i2">He-Who-<i>MUST</i>-Be-Obeyed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>W.B.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"TO THE EDITOR OF 'THE TIMES.'</p> + + <p>Sir,—Last Sunday evening I read your leader of + October 24 as part of my sermon to my village congregation. + It went home."—<i>Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>The Times</i> leader-writer should cultivate a brighter + style, more calculated to hold the interest of a + congregation.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page319" + id="page319"></a>[pg 319]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/319.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/319.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>AT BAY.</h3>ENGLAND AND FRANCE (<i>to their + comrade</i>). "STICK TO IT!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page320" + id="page320"></a>[pg 320]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/320.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/320.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Tommy</i>. "WHERE DID YOU GET THAT BUNCH?"</p> + + <p><i>Australian</i>. "OH, I DIDN'T GET 'EM—THE DAWG + BROUGHT 'EM IN."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday, October 29th</i>.—For once Parliament + repelled the gibe of its critics that it has ceased to + represent the people. Lords and Commons united in praise of our + sailors and soldiers and all the other gallant folk who are + helping us to win the War, and passed the formal Votes of + Thanks without a dissentient voice.</p> + + <p>As no eloquence could be adequate to such a theme—not + even that of PERICLES or LINCOLN, as Mr. ASQUITH tactfully + remarked—fewer and briefer speeches might have sufficed. + The PRIME MINISTER painted the lily a little thickly, though no + one would have had him omit his picturesque narrative of the + first battle of Ypres—I hope some of its few survivors + were among the soldiers in the Gallery—or his tributes to + the Navy and the Merchant Service. Nor did one grudge Mr. + REDMOND'S paean in praise of the Irish troops. It's not his + fault, at any rate, that there aren't more of them.</p> + + <p>Seen at its best in the afternoon, the House descended to + the depths on the adjournment, when Mr. PONSONBY, Mr. RAMSAY + MACDONALD and Mr. KING badgered the HOME SECRETARY for the best + part of an hour because in the exercise of his duty he had had + some of their friends' correspondence opened and read. In + ordinary times Members are very jealous, and rightly so, of + this official espionage. The case of Sir JAMES GRAHAM and + MAZZINI'S letters was raked up and quoted for all it was + worth—and a little more; for, as Sir GEORGE CAVE reminded + us, even on that occasion a Select Committee supported the + action of the Government. The fact is that, when you are + fighting for freedom <i>en gros</i>, individual liberties must + of necessity be curtailed. Knowing that our letters in war-time + are liable to inspection, the wise among us stick to postcards. + As Mr. PONSONBY assures us that he and his friends have nothing + to conceal, let them do likewise.</p> + + <p>One missed Mr. SNOWDEN, usually to the fore on these + occasions. An incident earlier in the afternoon perhaps + accounted for his absence. By way of bolstering up a charge of + harshness against the HOME SECRETARY he mentioned that a + deported German had "a son serving in the British Army." The + Minister frankly admitted it. "The son," he said, "a British + subject, who endeavoured to avoid military service, was + arrested, and is serving in a noncombatant unit." <i>Exit</i> + Mr. SNOWDEN.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday. October 30th</i>. I strongly suspect Major + NEWMAN and Mr. REDDY of collaborating, like the "Two Macs" of + music-hall fame. No other theory will explain the gallant + Major's well-feigned annoyance at what he called "the + assumption of military rank by clergymen and members of the + theatrical profession" connected with cadet-corps. Mr. + MACPHERSON supplied the official answer, namely, that gentlemen + holding cadet-commissions are entitled to wear service dress; + but the real object of the question was revealed when Brother + REDDY from the backbenches piped out, "Does that apply to sham + officers wearing uniform in this House?" There was a roar of + laughter, and Major NEWMAN blushed his appreciation.</p> + + <p>I can imagine no more hopeless task than to plead the cause + of Bulgaria in present circumstances; yet Mr. NOEL BUXTON + cheerfully essays it whenever he gets an opportunity. This time + he attempted to read into a recent utterance of the FOREIGN + SECRETARY agreement with his own views.</p> + + <p>Mr. BALFOUR'S reply, in effect, was "What make you here, you + little Bulgar boy?" He maintained that, while not as "dull and + cautious" as he had meant it to be, the speech referred to in + no way bore out Mr. BUXTON'S assertions. Then he proceeded in + characteristic fashion to knock together the heads of the + pro-Bulgarians and <span class="pagenum"><a name="page321" + id="page321"></a>[pg 321]</span> the other Balkan theorists, + and declared in conclusion that, while sharing the desire + that Bulgaria should come out of the War without a + grievance, he was not going to purchase that satisfaction by + the betrayal of those who had sacrificed everything they + possessed in the cause of the Allies—a declaration + which, in view of recent rumours, the House as a whole heard + with relief.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, October 31st</i>.—No future GILBERT + shall be able to write that—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The House of Peers, throughout the war,</p> + + <p>Did nothing in particular,</p> + + <p class="i4">And did it very well,"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>for, thanks to the pertinacity of Lord LOREBURN and Lord + SELBORNE, their lordships have done something very particular. + They have proposed that the PRIME MINISTER shall announce, with + any honour conferred, the reasons why he has recommended it, + having previously satisfied himself that a contribution to + party funds was not one of them. If Lord LOREBURN had had his + way the resolution would have been a good deal stronger, but + Lord CURZON, upon whose majestic calm this subject has a + curiously ruffling effect, refused to allow the retention of + words implying that any Minister had ever been a party to a + corrupt bargain.</p> + + <p>The debate was anything but dull, and some piquant + revelations—of course all at second-hand—were made + by the highly respectable peers who took part in it. It would + have been livelier still if some of the more recent creations + could have been induced to tell the full story of "How I got my + Peerage." But they are modest fellows, and unanimously + refrained.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, November 1st</i>.—A full House heard Sir + ERIC GEDDES make his maiden speech, or rather read his maiden + essay, for he rarely deviated from his type-script. A very good + essay it was, full of well arranged information, and delivered + in a strong clear voice that never faltered during an hour's + recital. If we were to believe some of the critics the British + Navy is directed by a set of doddering old gentlemen who are + afraid to let it go at the Germans and cannot even safeguard + our commerce from attack. The truth, as expounded by the FIRST + LORD, is quite different. Despite the jeremiads of + superannuated sailors and political longshoremen, the Admiralty + is not going to Davy Jones's locker, but under its present + chiefs, who have, with very few exceptions, seen service in + this War, maintains and supplements its glorious record. Save + for an occasional game of "tip and run"—as in the case of + the North Sea convoy—enemy vessels have disappeared from + the surface of the oceans; and "the long arm of the British + Navy" is now stretching down into the depths and up into the + skies in successful pursuit of them. If the nation hardly + realises yet what it owes to the men of the Fleet and their + comrades of the auxiliary Services it is because their work is + done with "such thoroughness and so little fuss," and, as Mr. + ASQUITH put it, "in the twilight and not in the limelight."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/321.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/321.png" + alt="" /></a>SCENE: <i>Charing Cross</i>.—"BUY A + BIT O' SHRAPNEL, MISTER?" + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Alderman —— was fined £5 for aiding + and abetting his game-keeper in feeding pheasants with + guano."—<i>Liverpool Daily Post</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>He must have thought it would be good for their crops.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From a New Zealand official report:</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"When sawing a piece of timber F——'s left + thumb came into contact with saw, cutting it."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>People with thumbs like this ought not to be allowed to + handle delicate instruments.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The first draft sale of the Gloucestershire Old Spots + speaks volumes for the black and white pig.. .. Nor must + the beautifully-marked pig 'Bagborough Charm VII.,' + farrowed 1817, be forgotten."—<i>Farmer and + Stockbreeder.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It seems, however, to have been overlooked for some + time.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"'By heavens, it's the Germans!' cried Captain Jansson + later, at last awake to the truth. 'Call all hands and make + for the boats.' He turned the wheel hard astern and stopped + the ship."—<i>Daily Mail.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Something had gone wrong, we suppose, with the + foot-brake.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"—— —— was born in 1883, and + received his musical education, first in Dresden, and + subsequently in England with one of the most orthodox of + the English professors, as a result of which he entered the + Diplomatic Service in 1909 as Honorary + Attaché."—<i>The Chesterian</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We hope this will silence the complaints as to the + insufficiency of our diplomatists' education.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page322" + id="page322"></a>[pg 322]</span> + + <h2>HOW TO BRIGHTEN UP THE THEATRE.</h2> + + <p>"You want, I take it," said the stranger to the manager, "to + make your theatre the most interesting in London?"</p> + + <p>"Naturally," the manager replied. "I do all I can to make it + so, as it is."</p> + + <p>"Perhaps," said the stranger; "we shall see. But I have it + in my power to make it vastly more interesting than any theatre + has ever been."</p> + + <p>"You have a play?" the manager inquired; amending this, + after another glance, to "You know of a play?"</p> + + <p>"Play? No. I'm not troubling about plays," said the caller. + "Plays—what are plays? No, I'm bringing you a live + idea."</p> + + <p>"But I don't wish to make any change in the style of my + performances," said the manager. "If you're thinking of a new + kind of entertainment for me—super-cinema, or that 'real + revue' which authors are always threatening me with—I + don't want it. I intend to keep my stage for the legitimate + drama."</p> + + <p>The stranger had been growing more and more restless. "My + dear Sir," he now protested, "do let us understand each other. + Have I ever mentioned the word 'stage'? Have I? No. Your stage + is nothing to me; it doesn't come into the matter at all. Do + what you like on the stage, but let me tackle the front of the + house. That's the real battle-ground. My scheme, which I bring + to you first of all, because I think of you as the least + unenlightened of all London managers, is concerned solely with + the audience. Will you promise not to mention it for a week if + I unfold it to you?"</p> + + <p>The manager promised.</p> + + <p>"Very well," said the other, settling down to business, "Let + us begin by looking at audiences. What are they made of? Human + beings. What kind of human beings? The nobs and the mob. What + is the favourite occupation of the nobs? Recognising other + nobs. What comes next? Seeing who the other nobs have got with + them. What is the favourite occupation of the mob? Identifying + nobs and saying how disappointed they are with their + appearance. Isn't that so?"</p> + + <p>"More or less," said the manager.</p> + + <p>"Very well," the other continued. "Now, then, what do you do + for the audiences in your theatre between the Acts?"</p> + + <p>"There is an excellent orchestra," said the manager.</p> + + <p>"I have heard it," replied his visitor drily. "Most of the + music played is composed by the conductor, who conducts with + the bow of his violin. No, Sir, that is not enough to do for an + audience in the intervals. I warn you that the whole question + of intervals will come up soon, and the cleverest manager will + be the one who does most to make them amusing. But that's + another matter. My scheme for you is to provide more than mere + amusement, it is to enable your theatre to partake of some of + the quality and some of the success of the great picture + newspapers."</p> + + <p>"How do you mean?" the manager asked, leaning forward. The + word "success" galvanised him.</p> + + <p>"Like this," said the enthusiast. "You grant that the proper + study of mankind is man—as the POPE recently said? You + grant an intense curiosity as to everybody else being implanted + in the human breast? Very well. This, then, is my scheme. You + must have each stall legibly numbered so that the whole house + behind it and above it can see the number. The boxes must be + numbered too. You then instal a printer with a little press + somewhere behind the scenes, and to him is brought soon after + the curtain rises a list of the names of all the box and stall + holders, which he will print off in time for the assistants to + sell them all over the house after Act I. This distribution + will dispose of the first interval, and incidentally bring in a + nice little sum for cigars and champagne for your business + visitors, a new hat for your leading lady, and so forth."</p> + + <p>"By the way," said the manager, "won't you smoke? These are + mild."</p> + + <p>"Thank you," said the other. "Very well," he continued, "the + next interval will be wholly spent in the exciting and + delightful task of identifying the nobs, in which the nobs + themselves will take a part. And if there is still a third + interval it will be equally amusingly filled by conversation as + to the pasts or costumes of the more famous of the female nobs + who are present—an interchange of opinion as to the + lowness of their necks, conjectures as to the genuineness of + their hair, and so forth. Do you see?"</p> + + <p>The manager went to the sideboard and brought back some + glasses and a bottle. "Yes," he said, "I see. There's something + in what you say. But you don't explain how the names are to be + obtained?"</p> + + <p>"How?" exclaimed the other. "Why, ask for them, to be sure. + You'll have to begin with a few blanks, of course, but directly + it gets known that you're publishing them during the evening + they'll all come in. Bless your soul, I know them! and if the + nobs don't tumble to it the snobs will, and they're numerically + strong enough to keep any play running. You won't have to worry + about the play. As for the back rows of the stalls, where you + put the people from the other theatres, why, they'll absolutely + push their visiting-cards at you. What do you say?"</p> + + <p>"I think it's ingenious," said the + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page323" + id="page323"></a>[pg 323]</span> manager, "and not to be + dismissed lightly. But I don't see anything to prevent all + the other managers copying it."</p> + + <p>"There isn't," said the inventor. "Nothing ever has been + done or will be done that can prevent theatrical managers from + copying each other. It's chronic. But you'll be the first, + remember that; and the pioneer often has some credit. You'll + get the start, and that means a lot. For some months, at any + rate, it will be your theatre to which the snobs will + crowd."</p> + + <p>Such was the interview.</p> + + <p>What the manager will decide cannot yet be stated, for the + week has not expired.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/322.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/322.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>First Mite</i>. "AIN'T 'E JUST LIKE THE PICTURES, + LIZ? I BETCHER 'E'S A COWBOY."</p> + + <p><i>Second ditto</i>. "GARN! 'E'S ONLY A SOLDIER."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/323.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/323.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>HUMOURS OF A REMOUNT CAMP.</h3> + + <p><i>Staff Officer</i>. "I RODE THIS HORSE YOU SENT ME ON + TUESDAY AND HE WAS ALL RIGHT. BUT WHEN I RODE HIM ON + WEDNESDAY HE WAS MUCH TOO FRISKY."</p> + + <p><i>Remount Officer</i>. "WELL, WHY NOT RIDE HIM ONLY ON + TUESDAYS?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"GOOSE.—Remembrance and many thanks for war + dividends."—<i>Daily Telegraph</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This is the best it can do under present conditions. Golden + eggs are "off."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"It was Tennyson who told us that there are 'books in + running brooks and sermons in stones.'"</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>But it was SHAKSPEARE who said it first.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>LINES ON A NEW HISTORY.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Weary of MACAULAY, never nodding,</p> + + <p class="i2">Weary of the stodginess of STUBBS,</p> + + <p>Weary of the scientific plodding</p> + + <p class="i2">Of the school that only digs and + grubs;</p> + + <p>I salute, with grateful admiration</p> + + <p class="i2">Foreign to the hireling eulogist,</p> + + <p>CHESTERTON'S red-hot self-revelation</p> + + <p class="i2">In the guise of England's annalist.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Here is no parade of erudition,</p> + + <p class="i2">No pretence of calm judicial tone,</p> + + <p>But the stimulating ebullition</p> + + <p class="i2">Of a sort of humanized cyclone;</p> + + <p>Unafraid of flagrant paradoxes,</p> + + <p class="i2">Unashamed of often seeing red,</p> + + <p>Here's a thinker who the compass boxes</p> + + <p class="i2">Standing most at ease upon his head.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yet with all this acrobatic frolic</p> + + <p class="i2">There's a core of sanity behind</p> + + <p>Madness that is never melancholic,</p> + + <p class="i2">Passion never cruel or unkind;</p> + + <p>And, although his wealth of purple patches</p> + + <p class="i2">Some precisians may excessive deem,</p> + + <p>Still the decoration always matches</p> + + <p class="i2">Something rich and splendid in the + theme.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Not a text-book—that may admitted—</p> + + <p class="i2">Full of dates and Treaties and of + Pacts,</p> + + <p>For our author cannot be acquitted</p> + + <p class="i2">Of a liberal handling of his facts;</p> + + <p>But a stirring proof of Britain's title,</p> + + <p class="i2">Less in Empire than in soul, of + "Great,"</p> + + <p>And a frank and generous recital</p> + + <p class="i2">Of "the glories of our blood and + State."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>JOURNALISTIC CANDOUR.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Mrs. ——, to her latest days, was a devoted + student of the 'Recorder.' Her end came through continuous + 'eye strain' in reading the Conference news for several + hours together."—<i>Methodist Recorder</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Barons Court.—To let, furnished, an attractive + little artist's House, well fitted + throughout."—<i>The Observer</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>A flapper writes to say that she would like to know more + about this attractive little artist.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page324" + id="page324"></a>[pg 324]</span> + + <h2>SIX-AND-A-PENNY-HALFPENNY.</h2> + + <p>"This," I said, "is perfectly monstrous. It is an outrage. + It—"</p> + + <p>"What have they done to you now?" said Francesca. "Have they + forbidden you to have your boots made of leather, or to go on + wearing your shiny old blue serge suit, or have they failed in + some way to recognise your merits as a Volunteer? Quick, tell + me so that I may comfort you."</p> + + <p>"Listen to this," I said.</p> + + <p>"I should be better able to listen and you would certainly + be better able to read the letter if you didn't brandish it in + my face."</p> + + <p>"When you've heard it," I said, "you'll understand why I + brandish it. Listen:—</p> + + <p>"'Sir,—I understand that on the 15th instant you + travelled from Star Bond to our London terminus without your + season-ticket, and declined to pay the ordinary fare. One of + the conditions which you signed stipulates that in the event of + your inability to produce your season-ticket the ordinary fare + shall be paid, and as the Railway Executive now controlling the + railways on behalf of the Government is strict in enforcing the + observance of this condition, I have no alternative but to + request you to kindly remit me the sum of 6<i>s.</i> + 1-1/2<i>d.</i> in respect of the journey in question.</p> + + <p>I am, Sir, your obedient Servant,</p> + + <p>H.W. HUTCHINSON.'</p> + + <p>"This," I said, as I finished reading the letter, "comes + from the Great North-Southern Railway, and is addressed to + <i>me</i>. What do you think of it?"</p> + + <p>"The miserable man," said Francesca, "has split an + infinitive, but he probably did it under the orders of the + Railway Executive."</p> + + <p>"I don't mind," I said, "about his treatment of infinitives. + He may split them all to smithereens if he likes. It's the + monstrous nature of his demand that vexes me."</p> + + <p>"What can you expect of a Railway Company?" said Francesca. + "Surely you didn't suppose a company would display any of the + finer feelings?"</p> + + <p>"Francesca," I said, "this is a serious matter. If you are + not going to sympathise with me, say so at once, and I shall + know what to do."</p> + + <p>"Well, what will you do?"</p> + + <p>"I shall plough my lonely furrow—I mean, I shall write + my lonely letter all by myself, and you shan't help me to make + up any of the stingers that I'm going to put into it."</p> + + <p>"Oh, my dear," she said, "what is the use of writing + stingers to a railway? You might as well smack the engine + because the guard trod on your foot."</p> + + <p>"Well, but, Francesca, I'm boiling over with + indignation."</p> + + <p>"So am I," she said, "but—"</p> + + <p>"But me no buts," I said. "Let's boil over together and + trounce Mr. Hutchinson. Let us write a model letter for the use + of season-ticket holders who have mislaid their tickets. We'll + pack it full of sarcasm and irony. We will make an appeal to + the nobler sentiments of the Board of Directors. We will remind + them that they too are subject to human frailty, + and—"</p> + + <p>"—we will not send the letter, but will put it away + until we've finished our boiling-over and have simmered + down."</p> + + <p>"Francesca," I said, "am I not going to be allowed to + communicate to this so-called railway company my opinion of its + conduct? Are all the pearls of sarcasm with which my mind is + teeming to be thrown away?"</p> + + <p>"Well," she said, "it would be useless to cast them before + the Railway Executive."</p> + + <p>"Mayn't I hint a hope that the penny-halfpenny will come in + useful in a time of financial stress?"</p> + + <p>"No," she said decisively, "you are to do none of these + things. Of course they've behaved in a mean and shabby way, but + they've got you fixed, and the best thing you can do is to get + a postal order and send it off to Mr. Hutchinson."</p> + + <p>"Mayn't I—"</p> + + <p>"No, certainly not. Write a short and formal note and + enclose the P.O.; and next time don't forget your ticket."</p> + + <p>"If you'll tell me how to make sure of that," I said, "I'll + vote for having a statue of you put up."</p> + + <p>"Does everybody," she said, "forget his season-ticket?"</p> + + <p>"Yes," I said, "everybody, at least once a year."</p> + + <p>R.C.L.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HERBS OF GRACE.</h2> + + <h3>VIII.</h3> + + <h3>SOUTHERNWOOD.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Some are for Camphor to put with their dresses,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Lay Russia-leather between 'em," say + some;</p> + + <p>Some are for Lavender sprinkled in presses,</p> + + <p class="i2">Some are for Woodruff, that moths may not + come;</p> + + <p>I am for Southernwood, Southernwood, + Southernwood</p> + + <p class="i2">(<i>Gardy-robe</i> called, they do say, + by the French),</p> + + <p>Whisper of summertime, summertime, summertime,</p> + + <p class="i2">Southernwood, laid wi' the clothes of a + wench.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Some are for Violets, some are for Roses,</p> + + <p class="i2">Some for Peniriall, some for Bee + Balm,</p> + + <p>When they go church-along carrying posies</p> + + <p class="i2">(Smell 'em and glance at the lads in the + psalm);</p> + + <p>I am for Southernwood, Southernwood, + Southernwood</p> + + <p class="i2">(<i>Lad's Love</i> 'tis called by the + home-folk hereby),</p> + + <p>All in the summertime, summertime, + summertime—</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Lad's Love</i> 'tis called, and for + lad's love am I.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>W.B.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE POET.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Commenting upon the fact that Mr. Justice Salter + objected to Mr. Wild, K.C., reading poetry in court, a + contemporary gossip-writer remarks, "Why do people write + poetry?"]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The following communications, evidently intended for our + contemporary, were inadvertently addressed to Mr. + Punch:—</p> + + <p>DEAR SIR,—I took up poetry because I was once bitten + by an editor's dog and I determined to be avenged.</p> + + <p>DEAR SIR,—Two years ago I lost Sidney, my pet + silkworm, and as I had to take up some hobby I decided on + poetry.</p> + + <p>DEAR SIR,—With me it is a gift. It just came to me. On + the other hand my friends often suggest my seeing a doctor, as + they think there may be a piece of bone pressing on the + brain.</p> + + <p>DEAR SIR,—I used to suffer from red hair, and + gradually I am getting the stuff turned grey. By the way, can + you give me a rhyme for "Camouflage"?</p> + + <p>DEAR SIR,—I began writing lyrics for ragtime revues, + because I wanted to see what would happen if I just took hold + of the pen and let her rip.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>From a calendar:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"October 31. Wednesday.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>August to October Game Certificates expire,</p> + + <p>Mystical carpeted earth, with dead leaves of + desire,</p> + + <p>Disrobing earth dying beneath love's fire."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>The rhymes are all right, but the scansion of the first line + is susceptible of improvement.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page325" + id="page325"></a>[pg 325]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/325.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/325.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Fair Lecturer</i> (<i>to Food Economy + Committee</i>). "OF COURSE I HAD TO MAKE IT AS SIMPLE + AS POSSIBLE TO REACH A RATHER LOW LEVEL OF INTELLECT. + I HOPE YOU ALL UNDERSTOOD." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks</i>.)</h4> + + <p>It would seem that "BARTIMEUS" occupies the same relative + position towards the silent Navy of 1917 that JOHN STRANGE + WINTER did towards the Army of the pre-KIPLING era. All his men + are magnificent fellows, his women sympathetic and courageous. + The Hun, depicted as an unsportsman-like brute (which he is), + invariably gets it in the neck (which, I regret to say, he + doesn't). And so all is for the best in the best of all + possible services. In the Navy they are nothing if not + consistent and, while the military storyteller who did not have + his knife into the higher command would be looked upon as a + freak, "BARTIMEUS" loyally includes amongst his galaxy of + perfect people Lords of the Admiralty no less than the lower + ratings. No one knows the Navy and its business better than + "BARTIMEUS," and he owes his popularity to that fact. Yet he + tells us very little about it, preferring to dwell on the + personal attributes of his individual heroes, throwing in just + enough incidental detail to give his stories the proper sea + tang. Of late a good many people have been busy informing us + that the Navy, like GILBERT'S chorus-girl, is no better than it + should be. But the fault, if there be one, does not lie with + the men that "BARTIMEUS" has selected to write about in his + latest novel, <i>The Long Trick</i> (CASSELL), which will + therefore lose none of the appreciation it deserves on that + account. And with such a leal and brilliant champion to take + the part of the Navy afloat, the Navy ashore, whether in + Parliament or out of it, may very well be left to take care of + itself.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Although Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE calls his collection of + detective stories <i>His Last Bow</i> (MURRAY), and also warns + us that <i>Sherlock Holmes</i> is "somewhat crippled by + occasional attacks of rheumatism," there is not in my lay + opinion any cause for alarm. If I may jest about such an + austere personage as <i>Sherlock</i>, I should say that there + are several strings still left to his bow, and that the ever + amenable and admiring <i>Watson</i> means to use them for all + they are worth. At any rate I sincerely hope so, for if it is + conceivable that some of us grow weary of <i>Sherlock's</i> + methods when we are given a long draught of them no one will + deny that they are palatable when taken a small dose at a time. + <i>Sherlock</i>, in short, is a national institution, and if he + is to be closed now and for ever I feel sure that the Bosches + will claim to have finished him off. And that would be a pity. + Of these eight stories the best are "The Dying Detective" and + the "Bruce-Partington Plans," but all of them are good to read, + except perhaps "The Devil's Foot," which left a "most sinister + impression" on dear old <i>Watson's</i> mind, and incidentally + on my own.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Every now and then, out of a mass of War-books grown so vast + that no single reader can hope even to keep count of them, + there emerges one of particular appeal. This is a claim that + may certainly be made for <i>An Airman's Outings</i> + (BLACKWOOD), especially just now when everything associated + with aviation is—I was about to say <i>sur le tapis</i>, + but the phrase is hardly well chosen—so conspicuously in + the limelight. The writer of these modest but thrilling records + veils his identity under the technical <i>nom de guerre</i> of + "CONTACT." With regard to his method I can hardly do better + than repeat what is said in a brief preface by Major-General + W.S. BRANCKER, Deputy Director-General of + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page326" + id="page326"></a>[pg 326]</span> Military Aeronautics: "The + author depicts the daily life of the flying officer in + France, simply and with perfect truth; indeed he describes + heroic deeds with such moderation and absence of + exaggeration that the reader will scarcely realise," etc. + But he will be a reader poor indeed in imagination who is + not helped by these pages to realise some part of the debt + that we owe to these marvellous winged boys of ours; As for + the heroic deeds, they are of a kind to take your + breath—tales of battles above the clouds, of trenches + captured by aeroplane, of men fatally wounded, thousands of + feet above the enemy country, recovering consciousness and + working their guns till they sank dead, while their battered + machines planed for the security of friendly lines. Surely + the whole history of War has no picture to beat this in + devotion.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>EVELYN BRANSCOMBE PETTER has much that is interesting to say + about men and women, and packs her thought (I risk the "her") + into a quasi-Meredithian form of phrasing which does not always + escape obscurity. But how much better this than a limpid flow + of words without notable content! <i>Souls in the Making</i> + (CHAPMAN AND HALL) is mainly an analysis of two love episodes + in the life of a young man, the liberally educated son of an + ambitious self-made soapmaker. The first—with <i>Sue</i>, + the pretty waitress—is thwarted by a very persistent and + unpleasant clerk; the second—with <i>Virginia</i>, a girl + of birth and breeding—is threatened by the intrusion of + the girl's cousin, a queerly morbid ne'er-do-well. There is no + action to speak of, so one can't speak of it. I can only say + that the interest of the shrewd analysis held me, and that if + my guess as to the sex of the writer be sound it is noteworthy + that more pains and skill are bestowed upon the characters of + the men than of the two girls, who are some thing + shadowy—charming unfinished sketches. There is a vigour + and an effect of personality in the writing that put this novel + above the large class of the merely competent.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Odd what a vogue has lately developed for what I might call + the ultra-domestic school of fiction. Here is another example, + <i>Married Life</i> (CASSELL), in which Miss MAY EDGINTON, + following the mode, unites her hero and heroine at the + beginning and leaves them to flounder for our edification amid + the trials of double blessedness. I am sorry to say it, but her + great solution for the eternal problem of How to be Happy + though Married appears to be the possession of a sufficient + bank-balance to prevent the chain from galling. In other words, + not to be too much married. All this love-in-a-cottage talk has + clearly no allurement for Miss EDGINTON. With her, the + protagonists, <i>Osborne</i> and his young wife, are no sooner + wed than their troubles begin—troubles of the domestic + budget, of cooking and stove lighting and the rest. (By the + way, for all its carefully British topography, I strongly + suspect the whole story of an exotic origin, chiefly from + certain odd-sounding words that seem to have slipped in here + and there. Does our island womanhood really talk of a + <i>matinée</i>, in the sense of an article of attire? If + so, this is the first I hear of it). To return to the + <i>Kerr</i> household. In the midst of their bothers + <i>Osborne</i> is given a post as traveller in motor-cars at a + big salary. So off he goes, while <i>Marie</i>, like the other + little pig of the poem, stays at home, and enjoys herself + hugely. When he returns she hardly cares about him at all; and + might indeed have continued this attitude of + indifference—who knows how long?—had not some + Higher Power (perhaps the Paper Controller) decreed a happy + ending on page 340. A lesson, I am sure, to us all; but of what + character remains ambiguous.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In such a title as <i>The North East Corner</i> (GRANT + RICHARDS) there is something bleak and uninviting, something + suggestive of the bitter mercies of an average English April, + that is by no means confirmed in the story itself. Windy it + certainly is—it runs to 496 pages—for I do not + remember any other recent volume where the characters really do + talk so much "like a book," and though, of course, this may be + a true way of presenting the customs of a hundred years ago, + one feels that it can be over-done. <i>Frank Hamilton</i>, the + magnanimous friend, facile politician and all-but hero, was the + worst offender, not only making love to the <i>Marquis's</i> + unhandsome daughter in stately periods, and invariably + addressing pretty <i>Sarah Owen</i>, who was much too good for + his and the author's treatment of her, in the language of a + Cabinet meeting (as popularly imagined), but being hardly able + even to lose his temper decently in honest ejaculation. + <i>Rolfe</i>, his friend, was a Jacobin of the blackest, who + preached sedition and the right of tenants to vote as they + chose; and the <i>Hamiltons</i> were renegades who gained + titles and honours by supporting a failing Ministry, from the + most opportunely patriotic of motives. The general drift of the + plot is neither very readily to be summarised nor indeed very + satisfactory, and one might disagree with Mr. JOHN HERON LEPPER + at several points. At the same time, as his many friends would + expect, there is much to be grateful for in this quiet study of + Irish times and politics very different from our own. There is + a ring of sincerity for one thing, matched by a literary grace + that saves his chapters from ever becoming irritating even when + they move most slowly.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>If the vintage to which "Miss KATHARINE TYNAN'S" novels + belong is so old that some of its flavour has departed, there + is no doubt that many of us are still glad enough to sample it. + In these nervous times it is in fact very restful to read a + book as calm and detached as <i>Miss Mary</i> (MURRAY). Not + that <i>Mary</i> refrained from allowing her heart to flutter + in the wrong direction, but even the simplest of us couldn't + really be alarmed by this excursion. Mrs. HINKSON seems to take + all her nice characters under her protective wing, and to + include you and me (if we are nice) in a pleasant family party. + So at little outlay you have the chance to go to Ireland and + stay quietly and decorously with the <i>de Burghs</i>. There + you will meet a very saint in <i>Lady de Burgh</i>, and you + will breathe the right local atmosphere, and have, on the + whole, a good and tranquillizing time.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/326.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/326.png" + alt="" /></a>DURING THE HOSPITABLE AIR-RAID SEASON THE + MONTMORENCY-BROWNS MAINTAIN THEIR HABITUAL + EXCLUSIVENESS. + </div> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11570 ***</div> +</body> +</html> |