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diff --git a/11570-0.txt b/11570-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cc1de79 --- /dev/null +++ b/11570-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1685 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11570 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 153. + + + +November 7, 1917. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +No sooner had the _Berliner Tageblatt_ pointed out that "Dr. MICHAELIS +was a good Chancellor as Chancellors go" than he went. + + *** + +_The Daily Mail_ is very cross with a neutral country for holding up +their correspondent's copy. If persisted in, this sort of thing might +get us mixed up in a war. + + *** + +A Highgate man has been fined forty shillings for feeding a horse +kept solely for pleasure upon oats. His plea, that the animal did not +generate sufficient power on coal-gas, left the Bench quite cold. + + *** + +A ratcatcher has been granted three pounds of sugar a week until +Christmas by a rural Food Control Committee, whom he informed that +rats would not look at poison without sugar. The rats' lack of +patriotism in refusing to forego their poison in these times of +necessity is the subject of unfavourable comment. + + *** + +There is no foundation for the report that a prominent manufacturer +identified with the Liberal Party has been offered a baronetcy if he +will contribute five pounds of sugar to the party funds. + + *** + +No confirmation is to hand of the report that Commander BELLAIRS, +M.P., has been _spurlos versnubt_. + + *** + +"Why can't the Navy have a Bairnsfather?" asks _The Weekly Dispatch_. +This habit of carping at the Senior Service is being carried to +abominable lengths. + + *** + +Charged with failing to report himself, a man who lived on Hackney +Marshes stated that he did not know there was a war on, and that +nobody had told him anything about it. A prospectus of _The Times'_ +History of the War has been despatched to him by express messenger. + + *** + +Efforts of the Industrial Workers of the World to establish themselves +in this country have received no encouragement, says Sir GEORGE CAVE. +They were not even arrested and then released. + + *** + +We trust there is no truth in the rumour that the Air Ministry Bill +has gone to a better pigeon 'ole. + + *** + +No information has reached the Government, it was stated in the House +of Commons recently, that toasted bread is being used as a substitute +for tea. The misapprehension appears to have been caused by an +unguarded admission of certain tea merchants that they have the public +on toast. + + *** + +We felt sure that the statement declaring that Mr. CHURCHILL had in a +recent speech referred to "my Government" would be contradicted. The +slight to _The Morning Post_ would have been too marked. + + *** + +In a case at Bow Police Court it was stated that it took fifteen +policemen and an ambulance to remove a prisoner to the police-station. +It is supposed that the fellow did not want to go. + + *** + +Too much importance must not be attached to the report emanating +from German sources that Count REVENTLOW has been appointed Honorary +Colonel to the Imperial Fraternisers Battalion. + + *** + +According to _The Evening News_ a gang of thieves are "working" +the West End billiard saloons. So far no billiard tables have been +actually stolen, but a sharp look-out is being kept on men leaving the +saloons with bulgy pockets. + + *** + +Addressing a Berlin meeting Herr STEGERWALD said, "We went to war at +the side of the Kaiser, and the All Highest will return from war with +us." If we may be permitted to say anything, we expect he will be +leading by at least a couple of lengths. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Film Producer_ (_to cinema artist hesitating on the +threshold_). "YOU'D SOONER NOT, EH? WHAT DO YOU THINK I GOT YOU +EXEMPTED FOR?"] + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + +From a Native Tender for Works:-- + + "In last we hope to be favoured with your orders, in the + execution of which we will neglect nothing that can cause + you any inconvenience." + + * * * * * + + "In the past quarter there were 19 births (6 males and 13 + females), comprising 10 between 1 and 65 years, and 9 65 + and upwards."--_Huntingdonshire Post_. + +The method of dodging the Military Service Acts adopted by these +elderly infants strikes us as distinctly unpatriotic. + + * * * * * + +LOOKING AHEAD. + + "Comfortable Home for young lady as paying guest; every + convenience; near Cemetery."--_Local Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "Nothing which happens in Russia ... can alter the bare fact + that Germany is _in extremis_. I am not sure that _articula + mortis_ wouldn't be the correct term."--_John Bull_. + +We, on the other hand, are quite sure it wouldn't. + + * * * * * + + "'Is it fresh, salt, Danish, or what?' one of the shop assistants + was asked. + + 'Don't know,' he replied, as he wiped the perspiration from his + brow, and into the heap of butter with his pats."--_Evening + Paper_. + +The vogue of margarine is now explained. + + * * * * * + + "Servant (general), lady, two gentlemen; no starch."--_Scotsman_. + +We are glad to see that mistresses are taking a firm line against the +prevailing stiffness of manners below stairs. + + * * * * * + + "Of 9,048 houses in Newport only 5,130 are occupied by one + family."--_The Western Mail_. + +If full advantage were taken of the housing accommodation it appears +that Newport would contain almost two nowadays. + + * * * * * + +GERMAN OFFICIAL. + + "Only a slight gain near Poelcapelle, 300 inches deep by 1,200 + inches wide, remains to the enemy."--_Nottingham Evening Post_. + +But by this time the Germans have discovered that, when they give him +an inch, Sir DOUGLAS HAIG takes an ell. + + * * * * * + +MORE TALK WITH GERMAN PEACEMONGERS. + +(_Including an incidental reference to Mr. H.G. WELLS._) + + [The writer has received a pontifical brochure by Mr. WELLS, + reprinted from _The Daily News_, sold by the International Free + Trade League and entitled "A Reasonable Man's Peace", in which + the following passage occurs:--"The conditions of peace can now + be stated in general terms that are as acceptable to a reasonable + man in Berlin as they are to a reasonable man in Paris or London + or Petrograd.... Why, then, does the waste and killing go on? + Why is not the Peace Conference sitting now? Manifestly because + a small minority of people in positions of peculiar advantage + in positions of trust and authority, prevent or delay its + assembling."] + + When with another winter's horror nearing + Once more you send along the old, old dove + And frame with bloody lips that hide their leering + A canticle of love; + + It has no doubt a most seductive cadence, + But we who look for argument by fact + We miss conciliation's artful aidance, + We note a want of tact. + + Your words are redolent of pious unction; + Your deeds, your infamies, by sea and shore, + Go gaily on without the least compunction + Just as they went before. + + We are not caught with olive-buds for baiting; + Something is needed just a shade less crude, + Something, for instance, faintly indicating + The penitential mood. + + While still the stain is on your hands extended + We'll hold no commerce with your frigid spells, + Even though such a move were recommended + By Mr. H.G. WELLS. + + Rather, without a break, like _Mr. Britling_ + (Though the brave wooden sword his author drew + Seems to have undergone a certain whittling), + We mean to "see it through." + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE GREAT MAN. + +What am I doing, Dickie? Well, I'll tell you. I'm one of those +subalterns you hear of sometimes. You know the kind of things they do? +They look after their men and ask themselves every day in the line +(as per printed instructions), "Am I offensive enough?" In trenches +they are ever to the fore, bombing, patrolling, raiding, wiring and +inspecting gas helmets. Working-parties under heavy fire are as meat +and drink, rum and biscuits to them. Once every nine months, and when +all Staff officers have had three goes, they get leave in order to +give excuse for the appointment of A.P.M.'s. There are thousands of +us, and we are supposed to run the War. These are the things which +I am sure (if you get newspapers in Ceylon) jump into your mind the +moment I mention the word subaltern, and I may as well tell you that +in associating me with any one of these deeds at the present time you +are entirely wrong. + +I sit in a room, an office papered with maps in all degrees of +nakedness, from the newest and purest to those woad-stained veterans +called objective maps. In this room, where regimental officers tread +lightly, speak softly and creep away, awed and impotent--HE sits. +"HE" is a G.S.O.3, or General Staff Officer, third grade. He it is +who looks after the welfare of some hundred thousand troops (when +everybody else is out). I am attached to him--not personally, be +it understood, but officially. I am there to learn how he does it +(whatever it is). High hopes, never realised, are held out to me that +if I am good and look after the office during mealtimes I shall have +a job of my very own one day--possibly two days. + +And he is very good to me. He rarely addresses me directly, except +when short of matches, but he often gives me an insight into things +by talking to himself aloud. He does this partly to teach me the +reasoning processes by which he arrives at the momentous decisions +expected of a G.S.O.3, and partly because he values my intelligent +consideration. + +This morning, for instance, furnished a typically brilliant example +of our co-operation. "I wonder," he said (and as he spoke I broke off +from my daily duties of writing to Her)--"I wonder what about these +Flares? Division say they want two thousand red and white changing to +green--oh no, it's the other lot; no, that _is_ right--I don't think +they _can_ want two thousand _possibly_. We might give them half for +practice purposes, or say five hundred. Still, if they say they want +two thousand I suppose they do; but then there's the question of what +we've got in hand. All right, _let them have them_." + +That was one of the questions I helped to settle. + +"Heavens!" he went on, "five hundred men for digging cable trenches! +No, no, I don't think. They had five hundred only the other night--no, +they didn't; it was the other fellows--no, that was the night +before-no, I was right as usual. One has so many things to think +of. Well, they can't have them, that's certain; it can't be +important--yes, it is, though, if things were to--yes, yes--_we'll +let them have them_." + +You will note that he said "we." Co-operation again. I assure you I +glowed with pleasure to think I had been of so much assistance. + +I had hardly got back to my letter when we started off again. + +"Well, that's my morning's work done--no, it isn't--yes, no, by Jove, +there's a code word for No. 237 Filtration Unit to be thought out. No, +I shan't, they really _can't_ want one, they're too far back--still +they _might_ come up to filter something near enough to want one--no +I _won't_, it's sheer waste--still, I suppose one ought to be +prepared--oh, yes, give them one--give them the word 'strafe'; +nobody's got that. Bong! That's all for to-day." + +And now you know what part I play in the Great War, Dickie. + +Yours, JACK. + +P.S.--Just off for my morning's exercise--sharpening the Corps +Commander's pencils. + + * * * * * + +A "PUNCH" COT. + +Some time ago Mr. Punch made an appeal on behalf of the East London +Hospital for Children at Shadwell. He has now received a letter from +the Chairman, which says: "By a unanimous resolution the Board of +Management have desired me to send you an expression of their most +grateful thanks for your help, which, it is no exaggeration to say, +has saved the Hospital from disaster." He adds that the Board "would +like to give a more practical proof of their gratitude," and proposes, +as "an abiding memorial," to set aside a Cot in the Hospital, to be +called "The Punch Cot." + +It gives Mr. Punch a very sincere pleasure to convey to those who so +generously responded to his appeal this expression of the Board's +gratitude, and he begs them also to accept his own. + +The sum so far contributed by Mr. Punch and his friends amounts to +£3,505. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INTERLUDE. + +ST. PATRICK, "THAT'S NOT THE WAY I DEALT WITH POISONOUS REPTILES. +WHAT'S THE GOOD OF TRYING TO CHARM IT?" + +MR. LLOYD GEORGE, "I'M NOT TRYING TO CHARM IT. I'M JUST FILLING IN THE +TIME."] + + * * * * * + +THE RECORDER. + + [At the concluding session of the Museums Association Conference + in Sheffield, Councillor Nuttall, of Southport said it was + desirable that every town should make a voice record of every + soldier who returned home from the wars, describing his experience + in fighting. It would be a valuable record for future generations + of the family to know what their ancestor did in the Great War.] + +In an Expeditionary Force whose vocabulary included several lurid +words there was a certain Battalion renowned for the vigour of its +language. And in that Battalion Private Thompson held a reputation +which was the envy of all. Not only had he a more varied stock of +expletives than anyone else, but he seemed to possess a unique gift +for welding them into new and wonderful combinations to meet each +fresh situation. Moreover he had an insistent manner of delivering +them which alone was sufficient to place him in a class by himself. It +was not long before many of his friends gave up trying altogether and +let Private Thompson do it all for them. It is even rumoured that on +occasions men in distant parts of the line would send for him so that +he might come and give adequate expression to feelings which they felt +to be beyond their range. + +To show you the extent of his fame, it is only necessary to mention +that Lieutenant ---- composed an ode all about Private Thompson and +got it published in _Camouflage_, the trench gazette of the Nth +Division. Two of the verses went, as far as I can remember, something +like this:-- + + As Private Thompson used to say, + He couldn't stand the War; + He cursed about it every day + And every night he swore; + And, while a sense of discipline + Carried him on through thick and thin, + The mud, the shells, the cold, the din + Annoyed him more and more. + + The words with which we others cursed + Seemed mild and harmless quips + Compared to those remarks that burst + From Private Thompson's lips; + Haven't you ever heard about + The Prussian Guard at X Redoubt, + How Thompson's language laid them out + Before we came to grips? + +Anyhow, after bespattering the air of France and Flanders with a +barrage of anathemas for the best part of a year, Private Thompson did +something creditable in one of the pushes, and retired to a hospital +in England, whence he emerged a few months later with a slight limp, a +discharge certificate and a piece of coloured ribbon on his waistcoat. +Having expressed his opinion on hospital life, he returned to his +native town. + +His first shock was when he was met at the station by the local band +and conducted up the Station Road and down the beflagged High Street +to the accompaniment of martial and patriotic strains. His second was +when he was confronted at the steps of the Town Hall by the Mayor and +an official gathering of the leading citizens, with an unofficial +background of the led ones, and found himself the subject of speeches +of adulation and welcome. + +He was too dumbfounded to grasp all that was said, but he recovered +his senses in time to hear the Mayor assuring his audience that it +gave him great pleasure, indeed he might go so far as to say the very +greatest pleasure, to welcome on behalf of their town one who had +upheld with such distinction and bravery the reputation and honour of +the community. And that, although he did not wish to keep them any +longer, yet he must just add that he was going to ask Mr. Thompson +then and there, while the remembrance of his terrible hardships was +still fresh in his mind, to impart them to a phonograph, so that +the archives of the town might not lack direct evidence of the +experiences, if he might so express it, of her bravest citizen, and +future generations might know something of the noble thoughts that +surged in so gallant a breast in times of danger, and the fine and +honourable words with which those thoughts had been uttered. + +The Mayor's peroration annoyed Thompson; the cheers that followed it +annoyed him still more, and the subsequent shower of congratulations +and vigorous slaps on the back threatened to move him to reply in a +speech which might have been unintelligible to the ladies present. + +Fortunately the danger was averted. Before he could come into action +a select committee of two, specially appointed for the purpose, had +seized him by the arms and was conducting him up the steps of the Town +Hall. The rapidity and the unexpected nature of the movement threw him +out of gear, and he was forced to adopt an attitude of sullen silence +during the progress of the little party across the Council Chamber and +through a doorway leading into a small room. + +This room was furnished only with a table and a chair. On the former +stood a phonograph; into the latter the Committee deposited ex-Private +Thompson and explained to him that he was desired to sit there and +in his own words to recount into the trumpet of the machine his +experiences at the Front. That becoming modesty, they added, which +hitherto had sealed his lips should now be laid aside. Posterity must +not be denied the edification of listening to a hero's story of his +share in the Great War. The phonograph was then turned on and the disc +began to revolve with a slight grating sound that set Thompson's teeth +on edge. He was about to address a few remarks to the Committee when +they tactfully withdrew, leaving him alone with the instrument. + +For a few seconds he was silent. The machine rasped unchallenged +through a dozen revolutions. Then he took a deep breath and, leaning +forward, thrust his head into the yawning mouth of the trumpet. + + * * * * * + +His Worship has sampled the record. The session was a secret one, but +the Town has been given to understand that the disc has been sealed up +and put away for the use of posterity only. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HERE, STICK YOUR HEAD DOWN, CHARLIE." + +"WHAT--IS THERE AN ORDER COME ROUND ABOUT IT?"] + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + +Letter recently received from a firm of drapers:-- + + "Madam,--With reference to your blue Silk Mackintosh, our + manufacturers have given the garment in question a thorough + testing, and find that it is absolutely waterproof. If you will + wear it on a dry day, and then take it off and examine it you + will see that our statement is correct. + + Assuring you of our best services at all times, + + We are, Madam, + + Your obedient Servants, + + ---- & SONS, Ltd." + + * * * * * + +A DEAL WITH CHINA. + +Fritz having killed the mule, it devolved upon the village Sanitary +Inspector to see the carcass decently interred, and on application to +the C.O. of the nearest Chinese labour camp. I presently secured the +services of two beautiful old ivory carvings and a bronze statue, +clad in blue quilted uniforms and wearing respectively, by way of +head-dress, a towel turban, a straw hat and a coiffure like an early +Victorian penwiper. It was the bronze gentleman--the owner of the +noticeable coiffure--who at once really took charge of the working +party. + +He introduced himself to me as "Lurtee Lee" (his official number was +thirty-three), informed me he could "speakel Engliss," and, having +by this single utterance at once apparently proved his statement +and exhausted his vocabulary, settled down into a rapt and silent +adoration of my tunic buttons. + +Before we had proceeded thirty yards he had offered me five francs +(which he produced from the small of his back) for a single button. At +the end of one hundred yards the price had risen to seven twenty-five, +and arrived upon the scene of action the Celestial grave-digger made a +further bid of eight francs, two Chinese coins (value unknown) and a +tract in his native tongue. This being likewise met with a reluctant +but unmistakable refusal, the work of excavation was commenced. + +Now when three men are employed upon a pit some six feet square they +obviously cannot all work at the same time in so confined a space. +One man must in turn stand out and rest. His rest time may be spent +in divers ways. + +The elder of the two ivory carvings spent his breathing spells in +philosophic reverie; the younger employed his leisure in rummaging on +the neighbouring "dump" for empty tobacco tins, which he concealed +about his person by a succession of feats of legerdemain (by the end +of the morning I estimated him to be in possession of about thirty +specimens). Lurtee Lee filled every moment of his off time in the +manufacture of a quite beautiful pencilholder--his material an empty +cartridge case, his tools a half-brick and a shoeing nail. + +Slowly the morning wore on--so slowly, indeed, that at an early +period I cast aside my tunic and with spade and pick endeavoured by +assistance and example to incite my labourers to "put a jerk in it." +Noon saw the deceased mule beneath a ton or so of clay, and Lurtee +Lee, whether from gratitude or sheer camaraderie, gravely presented me +with the now completed pencil-holder. No, not a sou would he accept; I +was to take it as a gift. + +At this moment a European N.C.O. from the Labour Camp came upon the +scene and kindly offered to save me a journey by escorting Lurtee Lee +and Company to quarters. They shuffled down the road, and I turned to +put on my tunic. One button was missing. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Jock_. "MAN, IT'S AN AWFU' PUIR DAY FOR FECHTIN'.'" + +_Donal'_. "AY. BUT IT'S AN AWFU' GUID DAY FOE GETTIN' THE FU' WARRUMTH +AN' COMFORT OOT O' THE RUM RATION."] + + * * * * * + +MORE GERMAN FRIGHTFULNESS. + + "Hindenburg sent a great number of bug guns to General + Boroevics."--_Daily Paper_. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "Early in the operations a jet of water struck the Chief + Officer of the Fire Brigade directly in the right eye, + completely blinding him for the time; and he had to be + assisted away but returned shortly after. The Brigade are + to be complimented on their work."--_Rangoon Times_. + + * * * * * + + "The complete cessation of the exports of opinion from + India to China is a distinct landmark in the moral progress + of the world."--_South African Paper_. + +This seems rather sweeping. What about Sir RABINDRANATH TAGORE? + + * * * * * + +THE STEW. + +FRAGMENT OF A SHAKSPEAKEAN TRAGEDY. + + ["There are many things with which a stew can be + thickened."--_Extract from Regimental Order_.] + +SCENE I.--_Battalion Orderly-Room._ + +_Flourish. Enter_ Colonel _and_ Adjutant. + + _Colonel._ I do mistrust the soft and temperate air + That hath so long enwrapped us. No "returns + Of bakers," visitations of the Staff, + Alarms or inquisitions have disturbed + Our ten days' rest. Nothing but casual shells + And airy bombs to mind us of the War. + + _Adjutant._ Oh, Sir, thy zeal hath mated with thy conscience + And bred i' the mind mistrustful doubts and fears, + A savage brood, which being come to manhood + Do fight with sweet content and eat her up. + + _Colonel._ Alas! it is the part of those who govern + To play the miser with their present good + For fear of future ill. But who comes here? + + _Enter_ Messenger. + + _Messenger._ So please you I am sent of General Blood + To bid you wait his coming. + + _Colonel._ When? + + _Messenger._ To-morrow. + He purposes to visit your command + About the dinner-hour. [_Exit._ + + _Colonel._ Now let th' occasion + Be servant to my wits. "The dinner-hour." + Twice hath he come; and first upon parade + Inspected all the men; the second time + The transport visited. Surmise hath grown + To certainty. He will inspect the dinners! + Go, faithful Adjutant, stir up the cooks + And bid them thicken stews and burnish pots. + + _Adjutant._ I take my leave at once and go. [_Exit_ Adjutant. + + _Colonel._ Farewell. + Now with elusive Chance I'll try a fall + And on the fateful issue risk my all. [_Flourish. Exit._ + + +SCENE II.--_A kitchen. In the middle a dixie. Thunder._ + +_Enter_ Three Cooks. + + _First Cook._ Thrice the dreadful message came. + + _Second Cook._ Thrice the mystic buzzer buzzed. + + _Third Cook._ Sergeant cries, "'Tis time, 'tis time." + + _First Cook._ Round about the dixie go; + In the dense ingredients throw-- + Extra bully, every lump + Pinched from some forbidden dump, + Biscuits crunched to look like flour, + Cabbage sweet and onions sour-- + Make the broth as thick as glue. + The General will inspect the stew. + + _All._ Fire burn and dixie bubble, + Double toil or there'll be trouble. + + _Second Cook._ 'Taters in the cauldron sink, + Peeled by hands as black as ink; + Portions of a slaughtered cat, + Piece of breakfast-bacon fat, + Bits of boot and bits of stick-- + Make the gruel slab and thick. + + _All._ Fire burn and dixie bubble, + Double toil or there'll be trouble. + + _Third Cook._ German sausage won in fight + On some dark and stormy night, + Dim and murky watercress + Stolen from a Sergeants' Mess, + Slabs of cheese and chunks of ham, + Lumps of plum and apple jam, + Bits of paper, ends of string, + Mixed with any damned thing, + In the cauldron mingle quick + So the stew be dense and thick. + + _All._ Fire burn and dixie bubble, + Double toil or there'll he trouble. [_Exeunt._ + + +SCENE III.--_Outside kitchen. Alarums._ + + _Enter_ Orderly Corporal. + + _Orderly Corporal._ Here's a pretty pass. Eyewash, + eyewash, eyewash. And such a running to and fro and a go + this way and a go that way, and a burnishing up of old + brass and a shouting of horrid words, as though the Devil + himself were inspecting his own furnace. Faith, an I + were eyewashing Beelzebub I could catch it no hotter. + + [_Shouting within._ + + Anon, anon. I will eyewash it no further. [_Exit._ + + _Flourish. Enter_ Colonel, Adjutant, Quartermaster + and Sergeant-Cook. + + _Colonel._ Is all prepared? + + _Sergeant-Cook._ The dinners would content + RHONDDA himself. + + _Quartermaster._ The General comes. + + _Flourish. Enter_ General _and_ Attendants. + + _General._ Good Colonel, + Our greetings are the warmer for the thought + Of visits past. + + _Colonel._ The service that we owe + In doing pays itself. Will you inspect + The dinners? + + _General._ First we'll greet the Adjutant, + Whom well we recollect. + + _Adjutant._ This is an honour + Which makes our labours light. Will you be pleased + To inspect the dinners? + + _General._ Yes, but let us first + Discuss the general welfare of the troops + Whose good's our care. + + _Sergeant-Cook (aside to Colonel)._ The time is getting long; + The stew's congealing fast. + + _Colonel._ Good General, + Your grace toward our people doth confound + Th' expression of our gratitude. The hour + For dinner is at hand. An you would grace + The issue with your presence it would make + The meal the sweeter. + + _General (aside)._ There doth seem to be + More than politeness in these invitations. + (_To Colonel_) I am no cook to judge by sight and touch + The flavour of a dish. Issue the dinners + To all the rank and file, that so my pleasure + In marking their expressions of content + Be equal to the praise I shall bestow. + + _Voice within._ Help! help! The cooks have fainted in the stew. + + _Adjutant._ They'll not be noticed. + + _Colonel._ Now hath fortune proved + My master. I'll not live a slave to Chance. + + [_Eats some of the stew and dies._ + + _General._ Conscience hath claimed her toll and is content. + We'll go inspect another regiment. + + CURTAIN. + + * * * * * + +A member of the Chancery Bar consults us on the following point: "I +was awakened," he says, "by my dog during a recent air-raid. He was so +annoyed that he consumed the whole of _Lewin on Trusts_ and commenced +_Tudor on Wills_, and is now suffering from severe indigestion. Have I +or has the dog any equitable remedy?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TERRORS OF THE SCOTTISH LANGUAGE. + +_Housemaid in Glasgow Hotel_. "YE CANNA GANG TO THE BATHROOM THE NOO." + +_Sassenach_. "WHY NOT?" + +_Housemaid_. "THERE'S A BODY IN THE BATH."] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW MRS. MARKHAM. + +IV. + +CONVERSATION ON CHAPTER LXXI. + +_Mary_. You spoke, Mamma, of CHAUCER being the Father of English +poetry. Was there _any_ English poetry before the discoveries of Lord +EDWARD MARSH? + +_Mrs. M_. Certainly, my dear. CHAUCER was our first eminent poet, +but, as a distinguished American critic has observed, he could not +spell. This greatly interfered with his popularity. Then there was +SHAKSPEARE, who wrote quaint old-fashioned plays quite unsuitable +for filming, but nevertheless enjoyed a certain fame until it was +proved that he never existed and that SHAKESPEARE was the name of a +syndicate; or that if he did exist he was somebody else; when all +interest in his work naturally evaporated. The abolition of rhyme, +about the year 1920, gave a fresh impetus to English poetry, and now, +as you know, almost anyone can write it fluently, whereas formerly the +easiest poems were written with the greatest difficulty. Indeed one +reads of some old poets who were not able to produce a mere hundred +lines in a day. Under the "free-verse" system, some of the Palustrine +(or Marshy) School have been known to produce as many as three +thousand lines in a day and to earn in a week as much as MILTON, an +old poet of the seventeenth century, received for the whole of his +greatest work, on which he was engaged for years. + +_Richard_. You have often talked about people going into sanctuary. +What does it mean? + +_Mrs. M_. Originally every church, abbey, or consecrated place was a +sanctuary, and all persons who had committed crimes or were otherwise +in fear of their lives might secure themselves from danger by getting +into them. But in the reign which we have been discussing it came to +be used specially of the House of Commons from the number of tiresome +and objectionable people who sought refuge there, because of the +freedom from legal penalties which they enjoyed. Once safe in the +House of Commons they said and even did things which, if they had +been said or done in public, or even in private, would have exposed +them either to prosecution or personal chastisement. Ultimately +the nuisance became so great that the privilege of sanctuary was +abolished, and the tone of the House of Commons greatly improved. + +_Mary_. I could not quite understand that story about the King and the +public jester. + +_Mrs. M_. In earlier reigns it was customary for kings and nobles to +have in their retinue some one whose business it was to play the fool, +and who was privileged to say or do anything that was ridiculous for +the sake of diverting his master. Although this practice had died out +the privilege was usurped by a certain number of writers and speakers, +who sought to attain notoriety by making themselves as unpleasant or +ridiculous as possible on every occasion. It requires some cleverness +to be a great fool, and though some of these public buffoons were +clever men the majority had more malice than wit, and in time +exhausted the patience of the people. Finally, in order to protect +them from the violence of the infuriated populace, the Government were +obliged to deport the chief offenders to the Solomon Islands, where +cannibalism then prevailed. + +_George_. Did they play on anything else besides mouth-organs in those +days? + +_Mrs. M_. They had many curious musical instruments which are now +entirely obsolete. Of these the most popular was the pianoforte, a +large wooden box with a long horizontal keyboard, which the player +struck with his fingers. Considerable and sometimes even distressing +dexterity was attained by the performers, who indulged in all sorts of +strange antics and gestures. The exercise was found to be remarkably +beneficial to the growth of the hair, but it had compensating +disadvantages, leading to cramps, dislocations and other troubles. +Ultimately pianoforte playing was suppressed, largely owing to the +exertions of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Elephants, +the tusks of that animal being in great request for the manufacture +of the keys. + +_Richard_. I shall never go to the Zoological Gardens without +rejoicing over the suppression of the pianoforte. + +_Mrs. M_. Another favourite instrument was the violin, a small and +curiously shaped apparatus fitted with four strings, which, when +rubbed or scraped with horsehair tightly stretched on a narrow wooden +frame, were made to produce sounds imitating the cries of various +animals, especially the mewing of a cat, to perfection. But as the +timbre of the instrument did not lend itself to successful mechanical +reproduction by the gramophone it fell into disuse. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENE.--_Basement during an air-raid. Loud noise +without_. + +_The Right Kind of Boy_ (_with great animation_). "MUMMY, ARE WE +WINNING?"] + + * * * * * + +PUNCH'S ROLL OF HONOUR. + +We are very sorry to learn that Captain A.W. LLOYD, Royal Fusiliers, +who for some time illustrated the Essence of Parliament, has been +badly wounded in East Africa. We join his many friends in England and +South Africa in sending him our sincerest hopes for his restoration to +health and strength. + + * * * * * + +"HE-WHO-MUST-BE-OBEYED." + + SIR ARTHUR YAPP, Sir ARTHUR YAPP, + He is a formidable chap; + He says the best of this year's fashions + Is to obey his rule for rations. + To every man and every maid + Of every sort of social grade, + Sir ARTHUR YAPP, Sir ARTHUR YAPP. + He _is_--to put the thing with snap-- + He-Who-_Must_-Be-Obeyed. + + Sir ARTHUR YAPP, Sir ARTHUR YAPP, + He simply doesn't care a rap + For any one--his only passion's + Compelling us to keep our rations; + Downrightly he demands our aid; + He will not have the troops betrayed. + Sir ARTHUR YAPP, Sir ARTHUR YAPP, + He _is_--the right man in the gap-- + He-Who-_MUST_-Be-Obeyed. + + Sir ARTHUR YAPP, Sir ARTHUR YAPP, + He says the way to change the map-- + The way that all of us can smash Huns-- + Is simply sticking to our rations; + Whereas the Hun will have us flayed + Unless the waste of food is stayed. + Sir ARTHUR YAPP, Sir ARTHUR YAPP, + He _is_ right through this final lap-- + He-Who-_MUST_-Be-Obeyed. + + W.B. + + * * * * * + + "TO THE EDITOR OF 'THE TIMES.' + + Sir,--Last Sunday evening I read your leader of October 24 as part + of my sermon to my village congregation. It went home."--_Times_. + +_The Times_ leader-writer should cultivate a brighter style, more +calculated to hold the interest of a congregation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT BAY. + +ENGLAND AND FRANCE (_to their comrade_). "STICK TO IT!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tommy_. "WHERE DID YOU GET THAT BUNCH?" + +_Australian_. "OH, I DIDN'T GET 'EM--THE DAWG BROUGHT 'EM IN."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, October 29th_.--For once Parliament repelled the gibe of its +critics that it has ceased to represent the people. Lords and Commons +united in praise of our sailors and soldiers and all the other gallant +folk who are helping us to win the War, and passed the formal Votes of +Thanks without a dissentient voice. + +As no eloquence could be adequate to such a theme--not even that of +PERICLES or LINCOLN, as Mr. ASQUITH tactfully remarked--fewer and +briefer speeches might have sufficed. The PRIME MINISTER painted the +lily a little thickly, though no one would have had him omit his +picturesque narrative of the first battle of Ypres--I hope some of its +few survivors were among the soldiers in the Gallery--or his tributes +to the Navy and the Merchant Service. Nor did one grudge Mr. REDMOND'S +paean in praise of the Irish troops. It's not his fault, at any rate, +that there aren't more of them. + +Seen at its best in the afternoon, the House descended to the depths +on the adjournment, when Mr. PONSONBY, Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD and +Mr. KING badgered the HOME SECRETARY for the best part of an hour +because in the exercise of his duty he had had some of their friends' +correspondence opened and read. In ordinary times Members are very +jealous, and rightly so, of this official espionage. The case of Sir +JAMES GRAHAM and MAZZINI'S letters was raked up and quoted for all it +was worth--and a little more; for, as Sir GEORGE CAVE reminded us, +even on that occasion a Select Committee supported the action of the +Government. The fact is that, when you are fighting for freedom _en +gros_, individual liberties must of necessity be curtailed. Knowing +that our letters in war-time are liable to inspection, the wise among +us stick to postcards. As Mr. PONSONBY assures us that he and his +friends have nothing to conceal, let them do likewise. + +One missed Mr. SNOWDEN, usually to the fore on these occasions. An +incident earlier in the afternoon perhaps accounted for his absence. +By way of bolstering up a charge of harshness against the HOME +SECRETARY he mentioned that a deported German had "a son serving in +the British Army." The Minister frankly admitted it. "The son," he +said, "a British subject, who endeavoured to avoid military service, +was arrested, and is serving in a noncombatant unit." _Exit_ Mr. +SNOWDEN. + +_Tuesday. October 30th_. I strongly suspect Major NEWMAN and Mr. REDDY +of collaborating, like the "Two Macs" of music-hall fame. No other +theory will explain the gallant Major's well-feigned annoyance at what +he called "the assumption of military rank by clergymen and members of +the theatrical profession" connected with cadet-corps. Mr. MACPHERSON +supplied the official answer, namely, that gentlemen holding +cadet-commissions are entitled to wear service dress; but the real +object of the question was revealed when Brother REDDY from the +backbenches piped out, "Does that apply to sham officers wearing +uniform in this House?" There was a roar of laughter, and Major NEWMAN +blushed his appreciation. + +I can imagine no more hopeless task than to plead the cause of +Bulgaria in present circumstances; yet Mr. NOEL BUXTON cheerfully +essays it whenever he gets an opportunity. This time he attempted to +read into a recent utterance of the FOREIGN SECRETARY agreement with +his own views. + +Mr. BALFOUR'S reply, in effect, was "What make you here, you little +Bulgar boy?" He maintained that, while not as "dull and cautious" as +he had meant it to be, the speech referred to in no way bore out Mr. +BUXTON'S assertions. Then he proceeded in characteristic fashion to +knock together the heads of the pro-Bulgarians and the other Balkan +theorists, and declared in conclusion that, while sharing the desire +that Bulgaria should come out of the War without a grievance, he was +not going to purchase that satisfaction by the betrayal of those who +had sacrificed everything they possessed in the cause of the Allies--a +declaration which, in view of recent rumours, the House as a whole +heard with relief. + +_Wednesday, October 31st_.--No future GILBERT shall be able to write +that-- + + "The House of Peers, throughout the war, + Did nothing in particular, + And did it very well," + +for, thanks to the pertinacity of Lord LOREBURN and Lord SELBORNE, +their lordships have done something very particular. They have +proposed that the PRIME MINISTER shall announce, with any honour +conferred, the reasons why he has recommended it, having previously +satisfied himself that a contribution to party funds was not one of +them. If Lord LOREBURN had had his way the resolution would have +been a good deal stronger, but Lord CURZON, upon whose majestic calm +this subject has a curiously ruffling effect, refused to allow the +retention of words implying that any Minister had ever been a party to +a corrupt bargain. + +The debate was anything but dull, and some piquant revelations--of +course all at second-hand--were made by the highly respectable peers +who took part in it. It would have been livelier still if some of +the more recent creations could have been induced to tell the full +story of "How I got my Peerage." But they are modest fellows, and +unanimously refrained. + +_Thursday, November 1st_.--A full House heard Sir ERIC GEDDES make his +maiden speech, or rather read his maiden essay, for he rarely deviated +from his type-script. A very good essay it was, full of well arranged +information, and delivered in a strong clear voice that never faltered +during an hour's recital. If we were to believe some of the critics +the British Navy is directed by a set of doddering old gentlemen who +are afraid to let it go at the Germans and cannot even safeguard our +commerce from attack. The truth, as expounded by the FIRST LORD, is +quite different. Despite the jeremiads of superannuated sailors and +political longshoremen, the Admiralty is not going to Davy Jones's +locker, but under its present chiefs, who have, with very few +exceptions, seen service in this War, maintains and supplements its +glorious record. Save for an occasional game of "tip and run"--as in +the case of the North Sea convoy--enemy vessels have disappeared from +the surface of the oceans; and "the long arm of the British Navy" +is now stretching down into the depths and up into the skies in +successful pursuit of them. If the nation hardly realises yet what +it owes to the men of the Fleet and their comrades of the auxiliary +Services it is because their work is done with "such thoroughness and +so little fuss," and, as Mr. ASQUITH put it, "in the twilight and not +in the limelight." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENE: _Charing Cross_.--"BUY A BIT O' SHRAPNEL, +MISTER?"] + + * * * * * + + "Alderman ---- was fined £5 for aiding and abetting his + game-keeper in feeding pheasants with guano."--_Liverpool + Daily Post_. + +He must have thought it would be good for their crops. + + * * * * * + +From a New Zealand official report: + + "When sawing a piece of timber F----'s left thumb came + into contact with saw, cutting it." + +People with thumbs like this ought not to be allowed to handle +delicate instruments. + + * * * * * + + "The first draft sale of the Gloucestershire Old Spots + speaks volumes for the black and white pig.. .. Nor must the + beautifully-marked pig 'Bagborough Charm VII.,' farrowed + 1817, be forgotten."--_Farmer and Stockbreeder._ + +It seems, however, to have been overlooked for some time. + + * * * * * + + "'By heavens, it's the Germans!' cried Captain Jansson later, + at last awake to the truth. 'Call all hands and make for + the boats.' He turned the wheel hard astern and stopped the + ship."--_Daily Mail._ + +Something had gone wrong, we suppose, with the foot-brake. + + * * * * * + + "---- ---- was born in 1883, and received his musical education, + first in Dresden, and subsequently in England with one of + the most orthodox of the English professors, as a result of + which he entered the Diplomatic Service in 1909 as Honorary + Attaché."--_The Chesterian_. + +We hope this will silence the complaints as to the insufficiency of +our diplomatists' education. + + * * * * * + +HOW TO BRIGHTEN UP THE THEATRE. + +"You want, I take it," said the stranger to the manager, "to make your +theatre the most interesting in London?" + +"Naturally," the manager replied. "I do all I can to make it so, as +it is." + +"Perhaps," said the stranger; "we shall see. But I have it in my power +to make it vastly more interesting than any theatre has ever been." + +"You have a play?" the manager inquired; amending this, after another +glance, to "You know of a play?" + +"Play? No. I'm not troubling about plays," said the caller. +"Plays--what are plays? No, I'm bringing you a live idea." + +"But I don't wish to make any change in the style of my performances," +said the manager. "If you're thinking of a new kind of entertainment +for me--super-cinema, or that 'real revue' which authors are always +threatening me with--I don't want it. I intend to keep my stage for +the legitimate drama." + +The stranger had been growing more and more restless. "My dear Sir," +he now protested, "do let us understand each other. Have I ever +mentioned the word 'stage'? Have I? No. Your stage is nothing to +me; it doesn't come into the matter at all. Do what you like on the +stage, but let me tackle the front of the house. That's the real +battle-ground. My scheme, which I bring to you first of all, because +I think of you as the least unenlightened of all London managers, is +concerned solely with the audience. Will you promise not to mention +it for a week if I unfold it to you?" + +The manager promised. + +"Very well," said the other, settling down to business, "Let us begin +by looking at audiences. What are they made of? Human beings. What +kind of human beings? The nobs and the mob. What is the favourite +occupation of the nobs? Recognising other nobs. What comes next? +Seeing who the other nobs have got with them. What is the favourite +occupation of the mob? Identifying nobs and saying how disappointed +they are with their appearance. Isn't that so?" + +"More or less," said the manager. + +"Very well," the other continued. "Now, then, what do you do for the +audiences in your theatre between the Acts?" + +"There is an excellent orchestra," said the manager. + +"I have heard it," replied his visitor drily. "Most of the music +played is composed by the conductor, who conducts with the bow of +his violin. No, Sir, that is not enough to do for an audience in the +intervals. I warn you that the whole question of intervals will come +up soon, and the cleverest manager will be the one who does most to +make them amusing. But that's another matter. My scheme for you is +to provide more than mere amusement, it is to enable your theatre to +partake of some of the quality and some of the success of the great +picture newspapers." + +"How do you mean?" the manager asked, leaning forward. The word +"success" galvanised him. + +"Like this," said the enthusiast. "You grant that the proper study +of mankind is man--as the POPE recently said? You grant an intense +curiosity as to everybody else being implanted in the human breast? +Very well. This, then, is my scheme. You must have each stall legibly +numbered so that the whole house behind it and above it can see the +number. The boxes must be numbered too. You then instal a printer with +a little press somewhere behind the scenes, and to him is brought soon +after the curtain rises a list of the names of all the box and stall +holders, which he will print off in time for the assistants to sell +them all over the house after Act I. This distribution will dispose of +the first interval, and incidentally bring in a nice little sum for +cigars and champagne for your business visitors, a new hat for your +leading lady, and so forth." + +"By the way," said the manager, "won't you smoke? These are mild." + +"Thank you," said the other. "Very well," he continued, "the next +interval will be wholly spent in the exciting and delightful task of +identifying the nobs, in which the nobs themselves will take a part. +And if there is still a third interval it will be equally amusingly +filled by conversation as to the pasts or costumes of the more famous +of the female nobs who are present--an interchange of opinion as to +the lowness of their necks, conjectures as to the genuineness of their +hair, and so forth. Do you see?" + +The manager went to the sideboard and brought back some glasses and a +bottle. "Yes," he said, "I see. There's something in what you say. But +you don't explain how the names are to be obtained?" + +"How?" exclaimed the other. "Why, ask for them, to be sure. You'll +have to begin with a few blanks, of course, but directly it gets known +that you're publishing them during the evening they'll all come in. +Bless your soul, I know them! and if the nobs don't tumble to it the +snobs will, and they're numerically strong enough to keep any play +running. You won't have to worry about the play. As for the back rows +of the stalls, where you put the people from the other theatres, why, +they'll absolutely push their visiting-cards at you. What do you say?" + +"I think it's ingenious," said the manager, "and not to be dismissed +lightly. But I don't see anything to prevent all the other managers +copying it." + +"There isn't," said the inventor. "Nothing ever has been done or will +be done that can prevent theatrical managers from copying each other. +It's chronic. But you'll be the first, remember that; and the pioneer +often has some credit. You'll get the start, and that means a lot. For +some months, at any rate, it will be your theatre to which the snobs +will crowd." + +Such was the interview. + +What the manager will decide cannot yet be stated, for the week has +not expired. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Mite_. "AIN'T 'E JUST LIKE THE PICTURES, LIZ? I +BETCHER 'E'S A COWBOY." + +_Second ditto_. "GARN! 'E'S ONLY A SOLDIER."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HUMOURS OF A REMOUNT CAMP. + +_Staff Officer_. "I RODE THIS HORSE YOU SENT ME ON TUESDAY AND HE WAS +ALL RIGHT. BUT WHEN I RODE HIM ON WEDNESDAY HE WAS MUCH TOO FRISKY." + +_Remount Officer_. "WELL, WHY NOT RIDE HIM ONLY ON TUESDAYS?"] + + * * * * * + + "GOOSE.--Remembrance and many thanks for war dividends."--_Daily + Telegraph_. + +This is the best it can do under present conditions. Golden eggs are +"off." + + * * * * * + + "It was Tennyson who told us that there are 'books in running + brooks and sermons in stones.'" + +But it was SHAKSPEARE who said it first. + + * * * * * + +LINES ON A NEW HISTORY. + + Weary of MACAULAY, never nodding, + Weary of the stodginess of STUBBS, + Weary of the scientific plodding + Of the school that only digs and grubs; + I salute, with grateful admiration + Foreign to the hireling eulogist, + CHESTERTON'S red-hot self-revelation + In the guise of England's annalist. + + Here is no parade of erudition, + No pretence of calm judicial tone, + But the stimulating ebullition + Of a sort of humanized cyclone; + Unafraid of flagrant paradoxes, + Unashamed of often seeing red, + Here's a thinker who the compass boxes + Standing most at ease upon his head. + + Yet with all this acrobatic frolic + There's a core of sanity behind + Madness that is never melancholic, + Passion never cruel or unkind; + And, although his wealth of purple patches + Some precisians may excessive deem, + Still the decoration always matches + Something rich and splendid in the theme. + + Not a text-book--that may admitted-- + Full of dates and Treaties and of Pacts, + For our author cannot be acquitted + Of a liberal handling of his facts; + But a stirring proof of Britain's title, + Less in Empire than in soul, of "Great," + And a frank and generous recital + Of "the glories of our blood and State." + + * * * * * + +JOURNALISTIC CANDOUR. + + "Mrs. ----, to her latest days, was a devoted student of + the 'Recorder.' Her end came through continuous 'eye + strain' in reading the Conference news for several hours + together."--_Methodist Recorder_. + + * * * * * + + "Barons Court.--To let, furnished, an attractive little + artist's House, well fitted throughout."--_The Observer_. + +A flapper writes to say that she would like to know more about this +attractive little artist. + + * * * * * + +SIX-AND-A-PENNY-HALFPENNY. + +"This," I said, "is perfectly monstrous. It is an outrage. It--" + +"What have they done to you now?" said Francesca. "Have they forbidden +you to have your boots made of leather, or to go on wearing your shiny +old blue serge suit, or have they failed in some way to recognise your +merits as a Volunteer? Quick, tell me so that I may comfort you." + +"Listen to this," I said. + +"I should be better able to listen and you would certainly be better +able to read the letter if you didn't brandish it in my face." + +"When you've heard it," I said, "you'll understand why I brandish it. +Listen:-- + +"'Sir,--I understand that on the 15th instant you travelled from Star +Bond to our London terminus without your season-ticket, and declined +to pay the ordinary fare. One of the conditions which you signed +stipulates that in the event of your inability to produce your +season-ticket the ordinary fare shall be paid, and as the Railway +Executive now controlling the railways on behalf of the Government +is strict in enforcing the observance of this condition, I have no +alternative but to request you to kindly remit me the sum of 6s. +1-1/2d. in respect of the journey in question. + +I am, Sir, your obedient Servant, + +H.W. HUTCHINSON.' + +"This," I said, as I finished reading the letter, "comes from the +Great North-Southern Railway, and is addressed to _me_. What do you +think of it?" + +"The miserable man," said Francesca, "has split an infinitive, but he +probably did it under the orders of the Railway Executive." + +"I don't mind," I said, "about his treatment of infinitives. He may +split them all to smithereens if he likes. It's the monstrous nature +of his demand that vexes me." + +"What can you expect of a Railway Company?" said Francesca. "Surely +you didn't suppose a company would display any of the finer feelings?" + +"Francesca," I said, "this is a serious matter. If you are not going +to sympathise with me, say so at once, and I shall know what to do." + +"Well, what will you do?" + +"I shall plough my lonely furrow--I mean, I shall write my lonely +letter all by myself, and you shan't help me to make up any of the +stingers that I'm going to put into it." + +"Oh, my dear," she said, "what is the use of writing stingers to a +railway? You might as well smack the engine because the guard trod +on your foot." + +"Well, but, Francesca, I'm boiling over with indignation." + +"So am I," she said, "but--" + +"But me no buts," I said. "Let's boil over together and trounce Mr. +Hutchinson. Let us write a model letter for the use of season-ticket +holders who have mislaid their tickets. We'll pack it full of sarcasm +and irony. We will make an appeal to the nobler sentiments of the +Board of Directors. We will remind them that they too are subject to +human frailty, and--" + +"--we will not send the letter, but will put it away until we've +finished our boiling-over and have simmered down." + +"Francesca," I said, "am I not going to be allowed to communicate to +this so-called railway company my opinion of its conduct? Are all the +pearls of sarcasm with which my mind is teeming to be thrown away?" + +"Well," she said, "it would be useless to cast them before the Railway +Executive." + +"Mayn't I hint a hope that the penny-halfpenny will come in useful in +a time of financial stress?" + +"No," she said decisively, "you are to do none of these things. Of +course they've behaved in a mean and shabby way, but they've got you +fixed, and the best thing you can do is to get a postal order and send +it off to Mr. Hutchinson." + +"Mayn't I--" + +"No, certainly not. Write a short and formal note and enclose the +P.O.; and next time don't forget your ticket." + +"If you'll tell me how to make sure of that," I said, "I'll vote for +having a statue of you put up." + +"Does everybody," she said, "forget his season-ticket?" + +"Yes," I said, "everybody, at least once a year." + +R.C.L. + + * * * * * + +HERBS OF GRACE. + +VIII. + +SOUTHERNWOOD. + + Some are for Camphor to put with their dresses, + "Lay Russia-leather between 'em," say some; + Some are for Lavender sprinkled in presses, + Some are for Woodruff, that moths may not come; + I am for Southernwood, Southernwood, Southernwood + (_Gardy-robe_ called, they do say, by the French), + Whisper of summertime, summertime, summertime, + Southernwood, laid wi' the clothes of a wench. + + Some are for Violets, some are for Roses, + Some for Peniriall, some for Bee Balm, + When they go church-along carrying posies + (Smell 'em and glance at the lads in the psalm); + I am for Southernwood, Southernwood, Southernwood + (_Lad's Love_ 'tis called by the home-folk hereby), + All in the summertime, summertime, summertime-- + _Lad's Love_ 'tis called, and for lad's love am I. + + W.B. + + * * * * * + +THE POET. + + [Commenting upon the fact that Mr. Justice Salter objected to Mr. + Wild, K.C., reading poetry in court, a contemporary gossip-writer + remarks, "Why do people write poetry?"] + +The following communications, evidently intended for our contemporary, +were inadvertently addressed to Mr. Punch:-- + +DEAR SIR,--I took up poetry because I was once bitten by an editor's +dog and I determined to be avenged. + +DEAR SIR,--Two years ago I lost Sidney, my pet silkworm, and as I had +to take up some hobby I decided on poetry. + +DEAR SIR,--With me it is a gift. It just came to me. On the other hand +my friends often suggest my seeing a doctor, as they think there may +be a piece of bone pressing on the brain. + +DEAR SIR,--I used to suffer from red hair, and gradually I am +getting the stuff turned grey. By the way, can you give me a rhyme +for "Camouflage"? + +DEAR SIR,--I began writing lyrics for ragtime revues, because I +wanted to see what would happen if I just took hold of the pen and +let her rip. + + * * * * * + +From a calendar:-- + + "October 31. Wednesday. + + August to October Game Certificates expire, + Mystical carpeted earth, with dead leaves of desire, + Disrobing earth dying beneath love's fire." + +The rhymes are all right, but the scansion of the first line is +susceptible of improvement. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Fair Lecturer_ (_to Food Economy Committee_). "OF +COURSE I HAD TO MAKE IT AS SIMPLE AS POSSIBLE TO REACH A RATHER LOW +LEVEL OF INTELLECT. I HOPE YOU ALL UNDERSTOOD."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS_.) + +It would seem that "BARTIMEUS" occupies the same relative position +towards the silent Navy of 1917 that JOHN STRANGE WINTER did towards +the Army of the pre-KIPLING era. All his men are magnificent fellows, +his women sympathetic and courageous. The Hun, depicted as an +unsportsman-like brute (which he is), invariably gets it in the neck +(which, I regret to say, he doesn't). And so all is for the best in +the best of all possible services. In the Navy they are nothing if +not consistent and, while the military storyteller who did not have +his knife into the higher command would be looked upon as a freak, +"BARTIMEUS" loyally includes amongst his galaxy of perfect people +Lords of the Admiralty no less than the lower ratings. No one knows +the Navy and its business better than "BARTIMEUS," and he owes his +popularity to that fact. Yet he tells us very little about it, +preferring to dwell on the personal attributes of his individual +heroes, throwing in just enough incidental detail to give his stories +the proper sea tang. Of late a good many people have been busy +informing us that the Navy, like GILBERT'S chorus-girl, is no better +than it should be. But the fault, if there be one, does not lie with +the men that "BARTIMEUS" has selected to write about in his latest +novel, _The Long Trick_ (CASSELL), which will therefore lose none of +the appreciation it deserves on that account. And with such a leal +and brilliant champion to take the part of the Navy afloat, the Navy +ashore, whether in Parliament or out of it, may very well be left to +take care of itself. + + * * * * * + +Although Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE calls his collection of detective +stories _His Last Bow_ (MURRAY), and also warns us that _Sherlock +Holmes_ is "somewhat crippled by occasional attacks of rheumatism," +there is not in my lay opinion any cause for alarm. If I may jest +about such an austere personage as _Sherlock_, I should say that there +are several strings still left to his bow, and that the ever amenable +and admiring _Watson_ means to use them for all they are worth. At any +rate I sincerely hope so, for if it is conceivable that some of us +grow weary of _Sherlock's_ methods when we are given a long draught +of them no one will deny that they are palatable when taken a small +dose at a time. _Sherlock_, in short, is a national institution, and +if he is to be closed now and for ever I feel sure that the Bosches +will claim to have finished him off. And that would be a pity. Of +these eight stories the best are "The Dying Detective" and the +"Bruce-Partington Plans," but all of them are good to read, except +perhaps "The Devil's Foot," which left a "most sinister impression" +on dear old _Watson's_ mind, and incidentally on my own. + + * * * * * + +Every now and then, out of a mass of War-books grown so vast that no +single reader can hope even to keep count of them, there emerges one +of particular appeal. This is a claim that may certainly be made for +_An Airman's Outings_ (BLACKWOOD), especially just now when everything +associated with aviation is--I was about to say _sur le tapis_, but +the phrase is hardly well chosen--so conspicuously in the limelight. +The writer of these modest but thrilling records veils his identity +under the technical _nom de guerre_ of "CONTACT." With regard to his +method I can hardly do better than repeat what is said in a brief +preface by Major-General W.S. BRANCKER, Deputy Director-General of +Military Aeronautics: "The author depicts the daily life of the flying +officer in France, simply and with perfect truth; indeed he describes +heroic deeds with such moderation and absence of exaggeration that +the reader will scarcely realise," etc. But he will be a reader poor +indeed in imagination who is not helped by these pages to realise some +part of the debt that we owe to these marvellous winged boys of ours; +As for the heroic deeds, they are of a kind to take your breath--tales +of battles above the clouds, of trenches captured by aeroplane, of men +fatally wounded, thousands of feet above the enemy country, recovering +consciousness and working their guns till they sank dead, while their +battered machines planed for the security of friendly lines. Surely +the whole history of War has no picture to beat this in devotion. + + * * * * * + +EVELYN BRANSCOMBE PETTER has much that is interesting to say about +men and women, and packs her thought (I risk the "her") into a +quasi-Meredithian form of phrasing which does not always escape +obscurity. But how much better this than a limpid flow of words +without notable content! _Souls in the Making_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL) is +mainly an analysis of two love episodes in the life of a young man, +the liberally educated son of an ambitious self-made soapmaker. +The first--with _Sue_, the pretty waitress--is thwarted by a very +persistent and unpleasant clerk; the second--with _Virginia_, a girl +of birth and breeding--is threatened by the intrusion of the girl's +cousin, a queerly morbid ne'er-do-well. There is no action to speak +of, so one can't speak of it. I can only say that the interest of +the shrewd analysis held me, and that if my guess as to the sex of +the writer be sound it is noteworthy that more pains and skill are +bestowed upon the characters of the men than of the two girls, who are +some thing shadowy--charming unfinished sketches. There is a vigour +and an effect of personality in the writing that put this novel above +the large class of the merely competent. + + * * * * * + +Odd what a vogue has lately developed for what I might call the +ultra-domestic school of fiction. Here is another example, _Married +Life_ (CASSELL), in which Miss MAY EDGINTON, following the mode, +unites her hero and heroine at the beginning and leaves them to +flounder for our edification amid the trials of double blessedness. +I am sorry to say it, but her great solution for the eternal problem +of How to be Happy though Married appears to be the possession of a +sufficient bank-balance to prevent the chain from galling. In other +words, not to be too much married. All this love-in-a-cottage talk has +clearly no allurement for Miss EDGINTON. With her, the protagonists, +_Osborne_ and his young wife, are no sooner wed than their troubles +begin--troubles of the domestic budget, of cooking and stove lighting +and the rest. (By the way, for all its carefully British topography, +I strongly suspect the whole story of an exotic origin, chiefly from +certain odd-sounding words that seem to have slipped in here and +there. Does our island womanhood really talk of a _matinée_, in the +sense of an article of attire? If so, this is the first I hear of +it). To return to the _Kerr_ household. In the midst of their bothers +_Osborne_ is given a post as traveller in motor-cars at a big salary. +So off he goes, while _Marie_, like the other little pig of the poem, +stays at home, and enjoys herself hugely. When he returns she hardly +cares about him at all; and might indeed have continued this attitude +of indifference--who knows how long?--had not some Higher Power +(perhaps the Paper Controller) decreed a happy ending on page 340. A +lesson, I am sure, to us all; but of what character remains ambiguous. + + * * * * * + +In such a title as _The North East Corner_ (GRANT RICHARDS) there is +something bleak and uninviting, something suggestive of the bitter +mercies of an average English April, that is by no means confirmed in +the story itself. Windy it certainly is--it runs to 496 pages--for I +do not remember any other recent volume where the characters really do +talk so much "like a book," and though, of course, this may be a true +way of presenting the customs of a hundred years ago, one feels that +it can be over-done. _Frank Hamilton_, the magnanimous friend, facile +politician and all-but hero, was the worst offender, not only making +love to the _Marquis's_ unhandsome daughter in stately periods, and +invariably addressing pretty _Sarah Owen_, who was much too good for +his and the author's treatment of her, in the language of a Cabinet +meeting (as popularly imagined), but being hardly able even to lose +his temper decently in honest ejaculation. _Rolfe_, his friend, was +a Jacobin of the blackest, who preached sedition and the right of +tenants to vote as they chose; and the _Hamiltons_ were renegades who +gained titles and honours by supporting a failing Ministry, from the +most opportunely patriotic of motives. The general drift of the plot +is neither very readily to be summarised nor indeed very satisfactory, +and one might disagree with Mr. JOHN HERON LEPPER at several points. +At the same time, as his many friends would expect, there is much to +be grateful for in this quiet study of Irish times and politics very +different from our own. There is a ring of sincerity for one thing, +matched by a literary grace that saves his chapters from ever becoming +irritating even when they move most slowly. + + * * * * * + +If the vintage to which "Miss KATHARINE TYNAN'S" novels belong is so +old that some of its flavour has departed, there is no doubt that many +of us are still glad enough to sample it. In these nervous times it +is in fact very restful to read a book as calm and detached as _Miss +Mary_ (MURRAY). Not that _Mary_ refrained from allowing her heart to +flutter in the wrong direction, but even the simplest of us couldn't +really be alarmed by this excursion. Mrs. HINKSON seems to take all +her nice characters under her protective wing, and to include you and +me (if we are nice) in a pleasant family party. So at little outlay +you have the chance to go to Ireland and stay quietly and decorously +with the _de Burghs_. There you will meet a very saint in _Lady de +Burgh_, and you will breathe the right local atmosphere, and have, on +the whole, a good and tranquillizing time. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DURING THE HOSPITABLE AIR-RAID SEASON THE +MONTMORENCY-BROWNS MAINTAIN THEIR HABITUAL EXCLUSIVENESS.] + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. +153, November 7, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11570 *** |