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diff --git a/11504-0.txt b/11504-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1fe37cb --- /dev/null +++ b/11504-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7151 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11504 *** + +This etext was produced by Gardner Buchanan. + + + + + + +Further Foolishness +Sketches and Satires on The Follies of The Day + + +by Stephen Leacock + + + + +Preface + +Many years ago when I was a boy at school, we had over +our class an ancient and spectacled schoolmaster who was +as kind at heart as he was ferocious in appearance, and +whose memory has suggested to me the title of this book. + +It was his practice, on any outburst of gaiety in the +class-room, to chase us to our seats with a bamboo cane +and to shout at us in defiance: + + _Now, then, any further foolishness?_ + +I find by experience that there are quite a number of +indulgent readers who are good enough to adopt the same +expectant attitude towards me now. + +STEPHEN LEACOCK +McGILL UNIVERSITY +MONTREAL +November 1, 1916 + + + + +Contents + +FOLLIES IN FICTION + +I. Stories Shorter Still + +II. The Snoopopaths; or Fifty Stories in One + +III. Foreign Fiction in Imported Instalments. Serge the + Superman: A Russian Novel. (Translated, with a + hand pump, out of the original Russian) + +MOVIES AND MOTORS, MEN AND WOMEN + +IV. Madeline of the Movies: A Photoplay done back + into Words + +V. The Call of the Carburettor; or, Mr. Blinks and + his Friends + +VI. The Two Sexes, in Fives or Sixes + A Dinner-party Study + +VII. The Grass Bachelor's Guide With Sincere Apologies + to the Ladies' Periodicals + +VIII. Every Man and his friends. Mr. Crunch's Portrait + Gallery (as Edited from his Private Thoughts) + +IX. More than Twice-told Tales; or, Every Man his Own + Hero + +X. A Study in Still Life--My Tailor + +PEACE, WAR, AND POLITICS + +XI. Germany from Within Out + +XII. Abdul Aziz has His: An Adventure in the Yildiz + Kiosk + +XIII. In Merry Mexico + +XIV. Over the Grape Juice; or, The Peacemakers + +XV. The White House from Without In + +TIMID THOUGHTS ON TIMELY TOPICS + +XVI. Are the Rich Happy? + +XVII. Humour as I See It + + + + +Follies in Fiction + + + + +I. Stories Shorter Still + +Among the latest follies in fiction is the perpetual +demand for stories shorter and shorter still. The only +thing to do is to meet this demand at the source and +check it. Any of the stories below, if left to soak +overnight in a barrel of rainwater, will swell to the +dimensions of a dollar-fifty novel. + + +(I) AN IRREDUCIBLE DETECTIVE STORY + +HANGED BY A HAIR +OR A MURDER MYSTERY MINIMISED + +The mystery had now reached its climax. First, the man +had been undoubtedly murdered. Secondly, it was absolutely +certain that no conceivable person had done it. + +It was therefore time to call in the great detective. + +He gave one searching glance at the corpse. In a moment +he whipped out a microscope. + +"Ha! ha!" he said, as he picked a hair off the lapel of +the dead man's coat. "The mystery is now solved." + +He held up the hair. + +"Listen," he said, "we have only to find the man who lost +this hair and the criminal is in our hands." + +The inexorable chain of logic was complete. + +The detective set himself to the search. + +For four days and nights he moved, unobserved, through +the streets of New York scanning closely every face he +passed, looking for a man who had lost a hair. + +On the fifth day he discovered a man, disguised as a +tourist, his head enveloped in a steamer cap that reached +below his ears. The man was about to go on board the +_Gloritania_. + +The detective followed him on board. + +"Arrest him!" he said, and then drawing himself to his +full height, he brandished aloft the hair. + +"This is his," said the great detective. "It proves his +guilt." + +"Remove his hat," said the ship's captain sternly. + +They did so. + +The man was entirely bald. + +"Ha!" said the great detective without a moment of +hesitation. "He has committed not one murder but about +a million." + + +(II) A COMPRESSED OLD ENGLISH NOVEL + +SWEARWORD THE UNPRONOUNCEABLE + +CHAPTER ONE AND ONLY + +"Ods bodikins!" exclaimed Swearword the Saxon, wiping +his mailed brow with his iron hand, "a fair morn withal! +Methinks twert lithlier to rest me in yon glade than to +foray me forth in yon fray! Twert it not?" + +But there happened to be a real Anglo-Saxon standing by. + +"Where in heaven's name," he said in sudden passion, "did +you get that line of English?" + +"Churl!" said Swearword, "it is Anglo-Saxon." + +"You're a liar!" shouted the Saxon, "it is not. It is +Harvard College, Sophomore Year, Option No. 6." + +Swearword, now in like fury, threw aside his hauberk, his +baldrick, and his needlework on the grass. + +"Lay on!" said Swearword. + +"Have at you!" cried the Saxon. + +They laid on and had at one another. + +Swearword was killed. + +Thus luckily the whole story was cut off on the first +page and ended. + + +(III) A CONDENSED INTERMINABLE NOVEL + +FROM THE CRADLE TO THE GRAVE +OR A THOUSAND PAGES FOR A DOLLAR + +NOTE.-This story originally contained two hundred and +fifty thousand words. But by a marvellous feat of +condensation it is reduced, without the slightest loss, +to a hundred and six words. + + (I) + +Edward Endless lived during his youth + in Maine, + in New Hampshire, + in Vermont, + in Massachusetts, + in Rhode Island, + in Connecticut. + + (II) + +Then the lure of the city lured him. His fate took him to + New York, to Chicago, and to Philadelphia. + +In Chicago he lived, + in a boarding-house on Lasalle Avenue, + then he boarded-- + in a living-house on Michigan Avenue. + +In New York he + had a room in an eating-house on Forty-first Street, + and then-- + ate in a rooming-house on Forty-second Street. + +In Philadelphia he + used to sleep on Chestnut Street, + and then-- + slept on Maple Street. + +During all this time women were calling to him. He knew + and came to be friends with-- + Margaret Jones, + Elizabeth Smith, + Arabella Thompson, + Jane Williams, + Maud Taylor. + +And he also got to know pretty well, + Louise Quelquechose, + Antoinette Alphabetic, + Estelle Etcetera. + +And during this same time Art began to call him-- + Pictures began to appeal to him. + Statues beckoned to him. + Music maddened him, + and any form of Recitation or Elocution drove + him beside himself. + + (III) + +Then, one day, he married Margaret Jones. + As soon as he had married her + He was disillusioned. + He now hated her. + +Then he lived with Elizabeth Smith-- + He had no sooner sat down with her than-- + He hated her. + +Half mad, he took his things over to Arabella Thompson's +flat to live with her. + +The moment she opened the door of the apartment, he loathed +her. + He saw her as she was. + +Driven sane with despair, he then-- + +(Our staff here cut the story off. There are hundreds +and hundreds of pages after this. They show Edward Endless +grappling in the fight for clean politics. The last +hundred pages deal with religion. Edward finds it after +a big fight. But no one reads these pages. There are no +women in them. Our staff cut them out and merely show at +the end-- + + Edward Purified-- + Uplifted-- + Transluted. + +The whole story is perhaps the biggest thing ever done +on this continent. Perhaps!) + + + + +II. Snoopopaths; or, Fifty Stories in One + +This particular study in the follies of literature is +not so much a story as a sort of essay. The average reader +will therefore turn from it with a shudder. The condition +of the average reader's mind is such that he can take in +nothing but fiction. And it must be thin fiction at +that--thin as gruel. Nothing else will "sit on his +stomach." + +Everything must come to the present-day reader in this +form. If you wish to talk to him about religion, you +must dress it up as a story and label it _Beth-sheba_, +or _The Curse of David_; if you want to improve the +reader's morals, you must write him a little thing in +dialogue called _Mrs. Potiphar Dines Out_. If you wish +to expostulate with him about drink, you must do so +through a narrative called _Red Rum_--short enough and +easy enough for him to read it, without overstraining +his mind, while he drinks cocktails. + +But whatever the story is about it has got to deal--in +order to be read by the average reader--with A MAN and +A WOMAN, I put these words in capitals to indicate that +they have got to stick out of the story with the crudity +of a drawing done by a child with a burnt stick. In other +words, the story has got to be snoopopathic. This is a +word derived from the Greek--"snoopo"--or if there never +was a Greek verb snoopo, at least there ought to have +been one--and it means just what it seems to mean. Nine +out of ten short stories written in America are +snoopopathic. + +In snoopopathic literature, in order to get its full +effect, the writer generally introduces his characters +simply as "the man" and "the woman." He hates to admit +that they have no names. He opens out with them something +after this fashion: "The Man lifted his head. He looked +about him at the gaily bedizzled crowd that besplotched +the midnight cabaret with riotous patches of colour. He +crushed his cigar against the brass of an Egyptian tray. +'Bah!' he murmured, 'Is it worth it?' Then he let his +head sink again." + +You notice it? He lifted his head all the way up and let +it sink all the way down, and you still don't know who +he is. For The Woman the beginning is done like this: +"The Woman clenched her white hands till the diamonds +that glittered upon her fingers were buried in the soft +flesh. 'The shame of it,' she murmured. Then she took +from the table the telegram that lay crumpled upon it +and tore it into a hundred pieces. 'He dare not!' she +muttered through her closed teeth. She looked about the +hotel room with its garish furniture. 'He has no right +to follow me here,' she gasped." + +All of which the reader has to take in without knowing +who the woman is, or which hotel she is staying at, or +who dare not follow her or why. But the modern reader +loves to get this sort of shadowy incomplete effect. If +he were told straight out that the woman's name was Mrs. +Edward Dangerfield of Brick City, Montana, and that she +had left her husband three days ago and that the telegram +told her that he had discovered her address and was +following her, the reader would refuse to go on. + +This method of introducing the characters is bad enough. +But the new snoopopathic way of describing them is still +worse. The Man is always detailed as if he were a horse. +He is said to be "tall, well set up, with straight legs." + +Great stress is always laid on his straight legs. No +magazine story is acceptable now unless The Man's legs +are absolutely straight. Why this is, I don't know. All +my friends have straight legs--and yet I never hear them +make it a subject of comment or boasting. I don't believe +I have, at present, a single friend with crooked legs. + +But this is not the only requirement. Not only must The +Man's legs be straight but he must be "clean-limbed," +whatever that is; and of course he must have a "well-tubbed +look about him." How this look is acquired, and whether +it can be got with an ordinary bath and water are things +on which I have no opinion. + +The Man is of course "clean-shaven." This allows him to +do such necessary things as "turning his clean-shaven +face towards the speaker," "laying his clean-shaven cheek +in his hand," and so on. But every one is familiar with +the face of the up-to-date clean-shaven snoopopathic man. +There are pictures of him by the million on magazine +covers and book jackets, looking into the eyes of The +Woman--he does it from a distance of about six inches--with +that snoopy earnest expression of brainlessness that he +always wears. How one would enjoy seeing a man--a real +one with Nevada whiskers and long boots--land him one +solid kick from behind. + +Then comes The Woman of the snoopopathic story. She is +always "beautifully groomed" (who these grooms are that +do it, and where they can be hired, I don't know), and +she is said to be "exquisitely gowned." + +It is peculiar about The Woman that she never seems to +wear a _dress_--always a "gown." Why this is, I cannot +tell. In the good old stories that I used to read, when +I could still read for the pleasure of it, the heroines +--that was what they used to be called--always wore +dresses. But now there is no heroine, only a woman in a +gown. I wear a gown myself--at night. It is made of +flannel and reaches to my feet, and when I take my candle +and go out to the balcony where I sleep, the effect of +it on the whole is not bad. But as to its "revealing +every line of my figure"--as The Woman's gown is always +said to--and as to its "suggesting even more than it +reveals"--well, it simply does _not_. So when I talk of +"gowns" I speak of something that I know all about. + +Yet, whatever The Woman does, her "gown" is said to +"cling" to her. Whether in the street or in a _cabaret_ +or in the drawing-room, it "clings." If by any happy +chance she throws a lace wrap about her, then it clings; +and if she lifts her gown--as she is apt to--it shows, +not what I should have expected, but a _jupon_, and even +that clings. What a _jupon_ is I don't know. With my +gown, I never wear one. These people I have described, +The Man and The Woman--The Snoopopaths--are, of course, +not husband and wife, or brother and sister, or anything +so simple and old-fashioned as that. She is some one +else's wife. She is _The Wife of the Other Man_. Just +what there is, for the reader, about other men's wives, +I don't understand. I know tons of them that I wouldn't +walk round a block for. But the reading public goes wild +over them. The old-fashioned heroine was unmarried. That +spoiled the whole story. You could see the end from the +beginning. But with Another Man's Wife, the way is blocked. +Something has got to happen that would seem almost obvious +to anyone. + +The writer, therefore, at once puts the two snoopos--The +Man and The Woman--into a frightfully indelicate position. +The more indelicate it is, the better. Sometimes she gets +into his motor by accident after the theatre, or they +both engage the drawing-room of a Pullman car by mistake, +or else, best of all, he is brought accidentally into +her room at an hotel at night. There is something about +an hotel room at night, apparently, which throws the +modern reader into convulsions. It is always easy to +arrange a scene of this sort. For example, taking the +sample beginning that I gave above, The Man, whom I left +sitting at the _cabaret_ table, above, rises unsteadily +--it is the recognised way of rising in a _cabaret_--and, +settling the reckoning with the waiter, staggers into +the street. For myself I never do a reckoning with the +waiter. I just pay the bill as he adds it, and take a +chance on it. + +As The Man staggers into the "night air," the writer has +time--just a little time, for the modern reader is +impatient--to explain who he is and why he staggers. He +is rich. That goes without saying. All clean-limbed men +with straight legs are rich. He owns copper mines in +Montana. All well-tubbed millionaires do. But he has left +them, left everything, because of the Other Man's Wife. +It was that or madness--or worse. He had told himself so +a thousand times. (This little touch about "worse" is +used in all the stories. I don't just understand what +the "worse" means. But snoopopathic readers reach for it +with great readiness.) So The Man had come to New York +(the only place where stories are allowed to be laid) +under an assumed name, to forget, to drive her from his +mind. He had plunged into the mad round of--I never could +find it myself, but it must be there, and as they all +plunge into it, it must be as full of them as a sheet of +Tanglefoot is of flies. + +"As The Man walked home to his hotel, the cool night air +steadied him, but his brain is still filled with the +fumes of the wine he had drunk." Notice these "fumes." +It must be great to float round with them in one's brain, +where they apparently lodge. I have often tried to find +them, but I never can. Again and again I have said, +"Waiter, bring me a Scotch whisky and soda with fumes." +But I can never get them. + +Thus goes The Man to his hotel. Now it is in a room in +this same hotel that The Woman is sitting, and in which +she has crumpled up the telegram. It is to this hotel +that she has come when she left her husband, a week ago. +The readers know, without even being told, that she left +him "to work out her own salvation"--driven, by his cold +brutality, beyond the breaking-point. And there is laid +upon her soul, as she sits there with clenched hands, +the dust and ashes of a broken marriage and a loveless +life, and the knowledge, too late, of all that might have +been. + +And it is to this hotel that The Woman's Husband is +following her. + +But The Man does not know that she is in the hotel, nor +that she has left her husband; it is only accident that +brings them together. And it is only by accident that he +has come into her room, at night, and stands there--rooted +to the threshold. Now as a matter of fact, in real life, +there is nothing at all in the simple fact of walking +into the wrong room of an hotel by accident. You merely +apologise and go out. I had this experience myself only +a few days ago. I walked right into a lady's room--next +door to my own. But I simply said, "Oh, I beg your pardon, +I thought this was No. 343." + +"No," she said, "this is 341." + +She did not rise and "confront" me, as they always do in +the snoopopathic stories. Neither did her eyes flash, +nor her gown cling to her as she rose. Nor was her gown +made of "rich old stuff." No, she merely went on reading +her newspaper. + +"I must apologise," I said. "I am a little short-sighted, +and very often a _one_ and a _three_ look so alike that +I can't tell them apart. I'm afraid--" + +"Not at all," said the lady. "Good evening." + +"You see," I added, "this room and my own being so alike, +and mine being 343 and this being 341, I walked in before +I realised that instead of walking into 343 I was walking +into 341." + +She bowed in silence, without speaking, and I felt that +it was now the part of exquisite tact to retire quietly +without further explanation, or at least with only a few +murmured words about the possibility of to-morrow being +even colder than to-day. I did so, and the affair ended +with complete _savoir faire_ on both sides. + +But the Snoopopaths, Man and Woman, can't do this sort +of thing, or, at any rate, the snoopopathic writer won't +let them. The opportunity is too good to miss. As soon +as The Man comes into The Woman's room--before he knows +who she is, for she has her back to him--he gets into a +condition dear to all snoopopathic readers. + +His veins simply "surged." His brain beat against his +temples in mad pulsation. His breath "came and went in +quick, short pants." (This last might perhaps be done by +one of the hotel bellboys, but otherwise it is hard to +imagine.) + +And The Woman--"Noiseless as his step had been, she seemed +to _sense_ his presence. A wave seemed to sweep over her +--She turned and rose fronting him full." This doesn't +mean that he was full when she fronted him. Her gown--but +we know about that already. "It was a coward's trick," +she panted. + +Now if The Man had had the kind of _savoir faire_ that +I have, he would have said: "Oh, pardon me! I see this +room is 341. My own room is 343, and to me a _one_ and +a _three_ often look so alike that I seem to have walked +into 341 while looking for 343." And he could have +explained in two words that he had no idea that she was +in New York, was not following her, and not proposing to +interfere with her in any way. And she would have explained +also in two sentences why and how she came to be there. +But this wouldn't do. Instead of it, The Man and The +Woman go through the grand snoopopathic scene which is +so intense that it needs what is really a new kind of +language to convey it. + +"Helene," he croaked, reaching out his arms--his voice +tensed with the infinity of his desire. + +"Back," she iced. And then, "Why have you come here?" +she hoarsed. "What business have you here?" + +"None," he glooped, "none. I have no business." They +stood sensing one another. + +"I thought you were in Philadelphia," she said--her gown +clinging to every fibre of her as she spoke. + +"I was," he wheezed. + +"And you left it?" she sharped, her voice tense. + +"I left it," he said, his voice glumping as he spoke. +"Need I tell you why?" He had come nearer to her. She +could hear his pants as he moved. + +"No, no," she gurgled. "You left it. It is enough. I can +understand"--she looked bravely up at him--"I can +understand any man leaving it." + +Then as he moved still nearer her, there was the sound +of a sudden swift step in the corridor. The door opened +and there stood before them The Other Man, the Husband +of The Woman--Edward Dangerfield. + +This, of course, is the grand snoopopathic climax, when +the author gets all three of them--The Man, The Woman, +and The Woman's Husband--in an hotel room at night. But +notice what happens. + +He stood in the opening of the doorway looking at them, +a slight smile upon his lips. + +"Well?" he said. Then he entered the room and stood for +a moment quietly looking into The Man's face. + +"So," he said, "it was you." He walked into the room and +laid the light coat that he had been carrying over his +arm upon the table. He drew a cigar-case from his waistcoat +pocket. + +"Try one of these Havanas," he said. + +Observe the _calm_ of it. This is what the snoopopath +loves--no rage, no blustering--calmness, cynicism. He +walked over towards the mantelpiece and laid his hat upon +it. He set his boot upon the fender. + +"It was cold this evening," he said. He walked over to +the window and gazed a moment into the dark. + +"This is a nice hotel," he said. (This scene is what the +author and the reader love; they hate to let it go. They'd +willingly keep the man walking up and down for hours +saying "Well!") + +The Man raised his head! "Yes, it's a good hotel," he +said. Then he let his head fall again. + +This kind of thing goes on until, if possible, the reader +is persuaded into thinking that there is nothing going +to happen. Then: + +"He turned to The Woman. 'Go in there,' he said, pointing +to the bedroom door. Mechanically she obeyed." This, by +the way, is the first intimation that the reader has that +the room in which they were sitting was not a bedroom. +The two men were alone. Dangerfield walked over to the +chair where he had thrown his coat. + +"I bought this coat in St. Louis last fall," he said. +His voice was quiet, even passionless. Then from the +pocket of the coat he took a revolver and laid it on the +table. Marsden watched him without a word. + +"Do you see this pistol?" said Dangerfield. + +Marsden raised his head a moment and let it sink. + +Of course the ignorant reader keeps wondering why he +doesn't explain. But how can he? What is there to say? +He has been found out of his own room at night. The +penalty for this in all the snoopopathic stories is death. +It is understood that in all the New York hotels the +night porters shoot a certain number of men in the +corridors every night. + +"When we married," said Dangerfield, glancing at the +closed door as he spoke, "I bought this and the mate to +it--for her--just the same, with the monogram on the +butt--see! And I said to her, 'If things ever go wrong +between you and me, there is always this way out.'" + +He lifted the pistol from the table, examining its +mechanism. He rose and walked across the room till he +stood with his back against the door, the pistol in his +hand, its barrel pointing straight at Marsden's heart. +Marsden never moved. Then as the two men faced one another +thus, looking into one another's eyes, their ears caught +a sound from behind the closed door of the inner room--a +sharp, hard, metallic sound as if some one in the room +within had raised the hammer of a pistol--a jewelled +pistol like the one in Dangerfield's hand. + +And then-- + +A loud report, and with a cry, the cry of a woman, one +shrill despairing cry-- + +Or no, hang it--I can't consent to end up a story in that +fashion, with the dead woman prone across the bed, the +smoking pistol, with a jewel on the hilt, still clasped +in her hand--the red blood welling over the white laces +of her gown--while the two men gaze down upon her cold +face with horror in their eyes. Not a bit. Let's end it +like this: + +"A shrill despairing cry--'Ed! Charlie! Come in here +quick! Hurry! The steam coil has blown out a plug! You +two boys quit talking and come in here, for heaven's +sake, and fix it.'" And, indeed, if the reader will look +back he will see there is nothing in the dialogue to +preclude it. He was misled, that's all. I merely said +that Mrs. Dangerfield had left her husband a few days +before. So she had--to do some shopping in New York. She +thought it mean of him to follow her. And I never said +that Mrs. Dangerfield had any connection whatever with +The Woman with whom Marsden was in love. Not at all. He +knew her, of course, because he came from Brick City. +But she had thought he was in Philadelphia, and naturally +she was surprised to see him back in New York. That's +why she exclaimed "Back!" And as a matter of plain fact, +you can't pick up a revolver without its pointing somewhere. +No one said he meant to fire it. + +In fact, if the reader will glance back at the dialogue--I +know he has no time to, but if he does--he will see that, +being something of a snoopopath himself, he has invented +the whole story. + + + + +III. Foreign Fiction in Imported Instalments. + +Serge the Superman: A Russian Novel + +(Translated, with a hand pump, out of the original Russian) + + SPECIAL EDITORIAL NOTE, OR, FIT OF CONVULSIONS INTO + WHICH AN EDITOR FALLS IN INTRODUCING THIS SORT OF + STORY TO HIS READERS. We need offer no apology to + our readers in presenting to them a Russian novel. + There is no doubt that the future in literature lies + with Russia. The names of Tolstoi, of Turgan-something, + and Dostoi-what-is-it are household words in America. + We may say with certainty that Serge the Superman is + the most distinctly Russian thing produced in years. + The Russian view of life is melancholy and fatalistic. + It is dark with the gloom of the great forests of the + Volga, and saddened with the infinite silence of the + Siberian plain. Hence the Russian speech, like the + Russian thought, is direct, terse and almost crude in + its elemental power. All this appears in Serge the + Superman. It is the directest, tersest, crudest thing + we have ever seen. We showed the manuscript to a friend + of ours, a critic, a man who has a greater Command of + the language of criticism than perhaps any two men in + New York to-day. He said at once, "This is big. It is + a big thing, done by a big man, a man with big ideas, + writing at his very biggest. The whole thing has a + bigness about it that is--" and here he paused and + thought a moment and added--"big." After this he sat + back in his chair and said, "big, big, big," till we + left him. We next showed the story to an English critic + and he said without hesitation, or with very little, + "This is really not half bad." Last of all we read + the story ourselves and we rose after its perusal--itself + not an easy thing to do--and said, "Wonderful but + terrible." All through our (free) lunch that day we + shuddered. + + +CHAPTER I + +As a child. Serge lived with his father--Ivan Ivanovitch +--and his mother--Katrina Katerinavitch. In the house, +too were Nitska, the serving maid. Itch, the serving man, +and Yump, the cook, his wife. + +The house stood on the borders of a Russian town. It was +in the heart of Russia. All about it was the great plain +with the river running between low banks and over it the +dull sky. + +Across the plain ran the post road, naked and bare. In +the distance one could see a moujik driving a three-horse +tarantula, or perhaps Swill, the swine-herd, herding the +swine. Far away the road dipped over the horizon and was +lost. + +"Where does it go to?" asked Serge. But no one could tell +him. + +In the winter there came the great snows and the river +was frozen and Serge could walk on it. + +On such days Yob, the postman, would come to the door, +stamping his feet with the cold as he gave the letters +to Itch. + +"It is a cold day," Yob would say. + +"It is God's will," said Itch. Then he would fetch a +glass of Kwas steaming hot from the great stove, built +of wood, that stood in the kitchen. + +"Drink, little brother," he would say to Yob, and Yob +would answer, "Little Uncle, I drink your health," and +he would go down the road again, stamping his feet with +the cold. + +Then later the spring would come and all the plain was +bright with flowers and Serge could pick them. Then the +rain came and Serge could catch it in a cup. Then the +summer came and the great heat and the storms, and Serge +could watch the lightning. + +"What is lightning for?" he would ask of Yump, the cook, +as she stood kneading the _mush_, or dough, to make +_slab_, or pancake, for the morrow. Yump shook her _knob_, +or head, with a look of perplexity on her big _mugg_, or +face. + +"It is God's will," she said. + +Thus Serge grew up a thoughtful child. + +At times he would say to his mother, "Matrinska (little +mother), why is the sky blue?" And she couldn't tell him. + +Or at times he would say to his father, "Boob (Russian +for father), what is three times six?" But his father +didn't know. + +Each year Serge grew. + +Life began to perplex the boy. He couldn't understand +it. No one could tell him anything. + +Sometimes he would talk with Itch, the serving man. + +"Itch," he asked, "what is morality?" But Itch didn't +know. In his simple life he had never heard of it. + +At times people came to the house--Snip, the schoolmaster, +who could read and write, and Cinch, the harness maker, +who made harness. + +Once there came Popoff, the inspector of police, in his +blue coat with fur on it. He stood in front of the fire +writing down the names of all the people in the house. +And when he came to Itch, Serge noticed how Itch trembled +and cowered before Popoff, cringing as he brought a +three-legged stool and saying, "Sit near the fire, little +father; it is cold." Popoff laughed and said, "Cold as +Siberia, is it not, little brother?" Then he said, "Bare +me your arm to the elbow, and let me see if our mark is +on it still." And Itch raised his sleeve to the elbow +and Serge saw that there was a mark upon it burnt deep +and black. + +"I thought so," said Popoff, and he laughed. But Yump, +the cook, beat the fire with a stick so that the sparks +flew into Popoff's face. "You are too near the fire, +little inspector," she said. "It burns." + +All that evening Itch sat in the corner of the kitchen, +and Serge saw that there were tears on his face. + +"Why does he cry?" asked Serge. + +"He has been in Siberia," said Yump as she poured water +into the great iron pot to make soup for the week after +the next. + +Serge grew more thoughtful each year. + +All sorts of things, occurrences of daily life, set him +thinking. One day he saw some peasants drowning a tax +collector in the river. It made a deep impression on him. +He couldn't understand it. There seemed something wrong +about it. + +"Why did they drown him?" he asked of Yump, the cook. + +"He was collecting taxes," said Yump, and she threw a +handful of cups into the cupboard. + +Then one day there was great excitement in the town, and +men in uniform went to and fro and all the people stood +at the doors talking. + +"What has happened?" asked Serge. + +"It is Popoff, inspector of police," answered Itch. "They +have found him beside the river." + +"Is he dead?" questioned Serge. + +Itch pointed reverently to the ground--"He is there!" he +said. + +All that day Serge asked questions. But no one would tell +him anything. "Popoff is dead," they said. "They have +found him beside the river with his ribs driven in on +his heart." + +"Why did they kill him?" asked Serge. + +But no one would say. + +So after this Serge was more perplexed than ever. + +Every one noticed how thoughtful Serge was. + +"He is a wise boy," they said. "Some day he will be a +learned man. He will read and write." + +"Defend us!" exclaimed Itch. "It is a dangerous thing." + +One day Liddoff, the priest, came to the house with a +great roll of paper in his hand. + +"What is it?" asked Serge. + +"It is the alphabet," said Liddoff. + +"Give it to me," said Serge with eagerness. + +"Not all of it," said Liddoff gently. "Here is part of +it," and he tore off a piece and gave it to the boy. + +"Defend us!" said Yump, the cook. "It is not a wise +thing," and she shook her head as she put a new lump of +clay in the wooden stove to make it burn more brightly. + +Then everybody knew that Serge was learning the alphabet, +and that when he had learned it he was to go to Moscow, +to the Teknik, and learn what else there was. + +So the days passed and the months. Presently Ivan Ivanovitch +said, "Now he is ready," and he took down a bag of rubles +that was concealed on a shelf beside the wooden stove in +the kitchen and counted them out after the Russian fashion, +"Ten, ten, and yet ten, and still ten, and ten," till he +could count no further. + +"Protect us!" said Yump. "Now he is rich!" and she poured +oil and fat mixed with sand into the bread and beat it +with a stick. + +"He must get ready," they said. "He must buy clothes. +Soon he will go to Moscow to the Teknik and become a wise +man." + +Now it so happened that there came one day to the door +a drosky, or one-horse carriage, and in it was a man and +beside him a girl. The man stopped to ask the way from +Itch, who pointed down the post road over the plain. But +his hand trembled and his knees shook as he showed the +way. For the eyes of the man who asked the way were dark +with hate and cruel with power. And he wore a uniform +and there was brass upon his cap. But Serge looked only +at the girl. And there was no hate in her eyes, but only +a great burning, and a look that went far beyond the +plain, Serge knew not where. And as Serge looked, the +girl turned her face and their eyes met, and he knew that +he would never forget her. And he saw in her face that +she would never forget him. For that is love. + +"Who is that?" he asked, as he went back again with Itch +into the house. + +"It is Kwartz, chief of police," said Itch, and his knees +still trembled as he spoke. + +"Where is he taking her?" said Serge. + +"To Moscow, to the prison," answered Itch. "There they +will hang her and she will die." + +"Who is she?" asked Serge. "What has she done?" and as +he spoke he could still see the girl's face, and the look +upon it, and a great fire went sweeping through his veins. + +"She is Olga Ileyitch," answered Itch, "She made the bomb +that killed Popoff, the inspector, and now they will hang +her and she will die." + +"Defend us!" murmured Yump, as she heaped more clay upon +the stove. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +Serge went to Moscow. He entered the Teknik. He became +a student. He learned geography from Stoj, the professor, +astrography from Fudj, the assistant, together with +giliodesy, orgastrophy and other native Russian studies. + +All day he worked. His industry was unflagging. His +instructors were enthusiastic. "If he goes on like this," +they said, "he will some day know something." + +"It is marvellous," said one. "If he continues thus, he +will be a professor." + +"He is too young," said Stoj, shaking his head. "He has +too much hair." + +"He sees too well," said Fudj. "Let him wait till his +eyes are weaker." + +But all day as Serge worked he thought. And his thoughts +were of Olga Ileyitch, the girl that he had seen with +Kwartz, inspector of police. He wondered why she had +killed Popoff, the inspector. He wondered if she was +dead. There seemed no justice in it. + +One day he questioned his professor. + +"Is the law just?" he said. "Is it right to kill?" + +But Stoj shook his head, and would not answer. + +"Let us go on with our orgastrophy," he said. And he +trembled so that the chalk shook in his hand. + +So Serge questioned no further, but he thought more deeply +still. All the way from the Teknik to the house where he +lodged he was thinking. As he climbed the stair to his +attic room he was still thinking. + +The house in which Serge lived was the house of Madame +Vasselitch. It was a tall dark house in a sombre street. +There were no trees upon the street and no children played +there. And opposite to the house of Madame Vasselitch +was a building of stone, with windows barred, that was +always silent. In it were no lights, and no one went in +or out. + +"What is it?" Serge asked. + +"It is the house of the dead," answered Madame Vasselitch, +and she shook her head and would say no more. + +The husband of Madame Vasselitch was dead. No one spoke +of him. In the house were only students, Most of them +were wild fellows, as students are. At night they would +sit about the table in the great room drinking Kwas made +from sawdust fermented in syrup, or golgol, the Russian +absinth, made by dipping a gooseberry in a bucket of soda +water. Then they would play cards, laying matches on the +table and betting, "Ten, ten, and yet ten," till all the +matches were gone. Then they would say, "There are no +more matches; let us dance," and they would dance upon +the floor, till Madame Vasselitch would come to the room, +a candle in her hand, and say, "Little brothers, it is +ten o'clock. Go to bed." Then they went to bed. They were +wild fellows, as all students are. + +But there were two students in the house of Madame +Vasselitch who were not wild. They were brothers. They +lived in a long room in the basement. It was so low that +it was below the street. + +The brothers were pale, with long hair. They had deep-set +eyes. They had but little money. Madame Vasselitch gave +them food. "Eat, little sons," she would say. "You must +not die." + +The brothers worked all day. They were real students. +One brother was Halfoff. He was taller than the other +and stronger. The other brother was Kwitoff. He was not +so tall as Halfoff and not so strong. + +One day Serge went to the room of the brothers. The +brothers were at work. Halfoff sat at a table. There was +a book in front of him. + +"What is it?" asked Serge. + +"It is solid geometry," said Halfoff, and there was a +gleam in his eyes. + +"Why do you study it?" said Serge. + +"To free Russia," said Halfoff. + +"And what book have you?" said Serge to Kwitoff. + +"Hamblin Smith's _Elementary Trigonometry_," said Kwitoff, +and he quivered like a leaf. + +"What does it teach?" asked Serge. + +"Freedom!" said Kwitoff. + +The two brothers looked at one another. + +"Shall we tell him everything?" said Halfoff. + +"Not yet," said Kwitoff. "Let him learn first. Later he +shall know." + +After that Serge often came to the room of the two brothers. + +The two brothers gave him books. "Read them," they said. + +"What are they?" asked Serge. + +"They are in English," said Kwitoff. "They are forbidden +books. They are not allowed in Russia. But in them is +truth and freedom." + +"Give me one," said Serge. + +"Take this," said Kwitoff. "Carry it under your cloak. +Let no one see it." + +"What is it?" asked Serge, trembling in spite of himself. + +"It is Caldwell's _Pragmatism_," said the brothers. + +"Is it forbidden?" asked Serge. + +The brothers looked at him. + +"It is death to read it," they said. + +After that Serge came each day and got books from Halfoff +and Kwitoff. At night he read them. They fired his brain. +All of them were forbidden books. No one in Russia might +read them. Serge read Hamblin Smith's _Algebra_. He read +it all through from cover to cover feverishly. He read +Murray's _Calculus_. It set his brain on fire. "Can this +be true?" he asked. + +The books opened a new world to Serge. + +The brothers often watched him as he read. + +"Shall we tell him everything?" said Halfoff. + +"Not yet." said Kwitoff. "He is not ready." + +One night Serge went to the room of the two brothers. +They were not working at their books. Littered about the +room were blacksmith's tools and wires, and pieces of +metal lying on the floor. There was a crucible and +underneath it a blue fire that burned fiercely. Beside +it the brothers worked. Serge could see their faces in +the light of the flame. + +"Shall we tell him now?" said Kwitoff. The other brother +nodded. + +"Tell him now," he said. + +"Little brother," said Kwitoff, and he rose from beside +the flame and stood erect, for he was tall, "will you +give your life?" + +"What for?" asked Serge. + +The brothers shook their heads. + +"We cannot tell you that," they said. "That would be too +much. Will you join us?" + +"In what?" asked Serge. + +"We must not say," said the brothers. "We can only ask +are you willing to help our enterprise with all your +power and with your life if need be?" + +"What is your enterprise?" asked Serge. + +"We must not divulge it," they said. "Only this: will +you give your life to save another life, to save Russia?" + +Serge paused. He thought of Olga Ileyitch. Only to save +her life would he have given his. + +"I cannot," he answered. + +"Good night, little brother," said Kwitoff gently, and +he turned back to his work. + +Thus the months passed. + +Serge studied without ceasing. "If there is truth," he +thought, "I shall find it." All the time he Thought of +Olga Ileyitch. His face grew pale. "Justice, Justice," +he thought, "what is justice and truth?" + + + + +CHAPTER III + +Now when Serge had been six months in the house of Madame +Vasselitch, Ivan Ivanovitch, his father, sent Itch, the +serving man, and Yump, the cook, his wife, to Moscow to +see how Serge fared. And Ivan first counted out rubles +into a bag, "ten, and ten and still ten," till Itch said, +"It is enough. I will carry that." + +Then they made ready to go. Itch took a duck from the +pond and put a fish in his pocket, together with a fragrant +cheese and a bundle of sweet garlic. And Yump took oil +and dough and mixed it with tar and beat it with an iron +bar so as to shape it into a pudding. + +So they went forth on foot, walking till they came to +Moscow. + +"It is a large place," said Itch, and he looked about +him at the lights and the people. + +"Defend us," said Yump. "It is no place for a woman." + +"Fear nothing," said Itch, looking at her. + +So they went on, looking for the house of Madame Vasselitch. + +"How bright the lights are!" said Itch, and he stood +still and looked about him. Then he pointed at a burleski, +or theatre. "Let us go in there and rest," he said. + +"No," said Yump, "let us hurry on." + +"You are tired," said Itch. "Give me the pudding and +hurry forward, so that you may sleep. I will come later, +bringing the pudding and the fish." + +"I am not tired," said Yump. + +So they came at last to the house of Madame Vasselitch. +And when they saw Serge they said, "How tall he is and +how well grown!" But they thought, "He is pale. Ivan +Ivanoviteh must know." + +And Itch said, "Here are the rubles sent by Ivan Ivanovitch. +Count them, little son, and see that they are right." + +"How many should there be?" said Serge. + +"I know not," said Itch. "You must count them and see." + +Then Yump said, "Here is a pudding, little son, and a +fish, and a duck and a cheese and garlic." + +So that night Itch and Yump stayed in the house of Madame +Vasselitch. + +"You are tired," said Itch. "You must sleep." + +"I am not tired," said Yump. "It is only that my head +aches and my face burns from the wind and the sun." + +"I will go forth," said Itch, "and find a fisski, or +drug-store, and get something for your face." + +"Stay where you are," said Yump. And Itch stayed. + +Meantime Serge had gone upstairs with the fish and the +duck and the cheese and the pudding. As he went up he +thought. "It is selfish to eat alone. I will give part +of the fish to the others." And when he got a little +further up the steps he thought, "I will give them all +of the fish." And when he got higher still he thought, +"They shall have everything." + +Then he opened the door and came into the big room where +the students were playing with matches at the big table +and drinking golgol out of cups. "Here is food, brothers," +he said. "Take it. I need none." + +The students took the food and they cried, "Rah, Rah," +and beat the fish against the table. But the pudding they +would not take. "We have no axe," they said. "Keep it." + +Then they poured out golgol for Serge and said, "Drink it." + +But Serge would not. + +"I must work," he said, and all the students laughed. +"He wants to work!" they cried. "Rah, Rah." + +But Serge went up to his room and lighted his taper, made +of string dipped in fat, and set himself to study. "I +must work," he repeated. + +So Serge sat at his books. It got later and the house +grew still. The noise of the students below ceased and +then everything was quiet. + +Serge sat working through the night. Then presently it +grew morning and the dark changed to twilight and Serge +could see from his window the great building with the +barred windows across the street standing out in the grey +mist of the morning. + +Serge had often studied thus through the night and when +it was morning he would say, "It is morning," and would +go down and help Madame Vasselitch unbar the iron shutters +and unchain the door, and remove the bolts from the window +casement. + +But on this morning as Serge looked from his window his +eyes saw a figure behind the barred window opposite to +him. It was the figure of a girl, and she was kneeling +on the floor and she was in prayer, for Serge could see +that her hands were before her face. And as he looked +all his blood ran warm to his head, and his limbs trembled +even though he could not see the girl's face. Then the +girl rose from her knees and turned her face towards the +bars, and Serge knew that it was Olga Ileyitch and that +she had seen and known him. + +Then he came down the stairs and Madame Vasselitch was +there undoing the shutters and removing the nails from +the window casing. + +"What have you seen, little son?" she asked, and her +voice was gentle, for the face of Serge was pale and his +eyes were wide. + +But Serge did not answer the question. + +"What is that house?" he said. "The great building with +the bars that you call the house of the dead?" + +"Shall I tell you, little son," said Madame Vasselitch, +and she looked at him, still thinking. "Yes," she said, +"he shall know. + +"It is the prison of the condemned, and from there they +go forth only to die. Listen, little son," she went on, +and she gripped Serge by the wrist till he could feel +the bones of her fingers against his flesh. "There lay +my husband, Vangorod Vasselitch, waiting for his death. +Months long he was there behind the bars and no one might +see him or know when he was to die. I took this tall +house that I might at least be near him till the end. +But to those who lie there waiting for their death it is +allowed once and once only that they may look out upon +the world. And this is allowed to them the day before +they die. So I took this house and waited, and each day +I looked forth at dawn across the street and he was not +there. Then at last he came. I saw him at the window and +his face was pale and set and I could see the marks of +the iron on his wrists as he held them to the bars. But +I could see that his spirit was unbroken. There was no +power in them to break that. Then he saw me at the window, +and thus across the narrow street we said good-bye. It +was only a moment. 'Sonia Vasselitch,' he said, 'do not +forget,' and he was gone. I have not forgotten. I have +lived on here in this dark house, and I have not forgotten. +My sons--yes, little brother, my sons, I say--have not +forgotten. Now tell me, Sergius Ivanovitch, what you have +seen." + +"I have seen the woman that I love," said Serge, "kneeling +behind the bars in prayer. I have seen Olga Ileyitch." + +"Her name," said Madame Vasselitch, and there were no +tears in her eyes and her voice was calm, "her name is +Olga Vasselitch. She is my daughter, and to-morrow she +is to die." + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +Madame Vasselitch took Serge by the hand. + +"Come," she said, "you shall speak to my sons," and she +led him down the stairs towards the room of Halfoff and +Kwitoff. + +"They are my sons," she said. "Olga is their sister. They +are working to save her." + +Then she opened the door. Halfoff and Kwitoff were working +as Serge had seen them before, beside the crucible with +the blue flame on their faces. + +They had not slept. + +Madame Vasselitch spoke. + +"He has seen Olga," she said. "It is to-day." + +"We are too late," said Halfoff, and he groaned. + +"Courage, brother," said Kwitoff. "She will not die till +sunrise. It is twilight now. We have still an hour. Let +us to work." + +Serge looked at the brothers. + +"Tell me," he said. "I do not understand." + +Halfoff turned a moment from his work and looked at Serge. + +"Brother," he said, "will you give your life?" + +"Is it for Olga?" asked Serge. + +"It is for her." + +"I give it gladly," said Serge. + +"Listen then," said Halfoff. "Our sister is condemned +for the killing of Popoff, inspector of police. She is +in the prison of the condemned, the house of the dead, +across the street. Her cell is there beside us. There is +only a wall between. Look--" + +Halfoff as he spoke threw aside a curtain that hung across +the end of the room. Serge looked into blackness. It was +a tunnel. + +"It leads to the wall of her cell," said Halfoff. "We +are close against the wall but we cannot shatter it. We +are working to make a bomb. No bomb that we can make is +hard enough. We can only try once. If it fails the noise +would ruin us. There is no second chance. We try our +bombs in the crucible. They crumble. They have no strength. +We are ignorant. We are only learning. We studied it in +the books, the forbidden books. It took a month to learn +to set the wires to fire the bomb. The tunnel was there. +We did not have to dig it. It was for my father, Vangorod +Vasselitch. He would not let them use it. He tapped a +message through the wall, 'Keep it for a greater need.' +Now it is his daughter that is there." + +Halfoff paused. He was panting and his chest heaved. +There was perspiration on his face and his black hair +was wet. + +"Courage, little brother," said Kwitoff. "She shall not +die." + +"Listen," went on Halfoff. "The bomb is made. It is there +beside the crucible. It has power in it to shatter the +prison. But the wires are wrong. They do not work. There +is no current in them. Something is wrong. We cannot +explode the bomb." + +"Courage, courage," said Kwitoff, and his hands were busy +among the wires before him. "I am working still." + +Serge looked at the brothers. + +"Is that the bomb?" he said, pointing at a great ball of +metal that lay beside the crucible. + +"It is," said Halfoff. + +"And the little fuse that is in the side of it fires it? +And the current from the wires lights the fuse?" + +"Yes," said Halfoff. + +The two brothers looked at Serge, for there was a meaning +in his voice and a strange look upon his face. + +"If the bomb is placed against the wall and if the fuse +is lighted it would explode." + +"Yes," said Halfoff despairingly, "but how? The fuse is +instantaneous. Without the wires we cannot light it. It +would be death." + +Serge took the bomb in his hand. His face was pale. + +"Let it be so!" he said. "I will give my life for hers." + +He lifted the bomb in his hand. "I will go through the +tunnel and hold the bomb against the wall and fire it," +he said. "Halfoff, light me the candle in the flame. Be +ready when the wall falls." + +"No, no," said Halfoff, grasping Serge by the arm. "You +must not die!" + +"My brother," said Kwitoff quietly, "let it be as he +says. It is for Russia!" + +But as Halfoff turned to light the candle in the flame +there came a great knocking at the door above and the +sound of many voices in the street. + +All paused. + +Madame Vasselitch laid her hand upon her lips. + +Then there came the sound as of grounded muskets on the +pavement of the street and a sharp word of command. + +"Soldiers!" said Madame Vasselitch. + +Kwitoff turned to his brother. + +"This is the end," he said. "Explode the bomb here and +let us die together." + +Suddenly Madame Vasselitch gave a cry. + +"It is Olga's voice!" she said. + +She ran to the door and opened it, and a glad voice was +heard crying. + +"It is I, Olga, and I am free!" + +"Free," exclaimed the brothers. + +All hastened up the stairs. + +Olga was standing before them in the hall and beside her +were the officers of the police, and in the street were +the soldiers. The students from above had crowded down +the stairs and with them were Itch, the serving man, and +Yump, the cook. + +"I am free," cried Olga, "liberated by the bounty of the +Czar--Russia has declared war to fight for the freedom +of the world and all the political prisoners are free." + +"Rah, rah!" cried the students. "War, war, war!" + +"She is set free," said the officer who stood beside +Olga. "The charge of killing Popoff is withdrawn. No one +will be punished for it now." + +"I never killed him," said Olga. "I swear it," and she +raised her hand. + +"You never killed him!" exclaimed Serge with joy in his +heart. "You did not kill Popoff? But who did?" + +"Defend us," said Yump, the cook. "Since there is to be +no punishment for it, I killed him myself." + +"You!" they cried. + +"It is so," said Yump. "I killed him beside the river. +It was to defend my honour." + +"It was to defend her honour," cried the brothers. "She +has done well." + +They clasped her hand. + +"You destroyed him with a bomb?" they said. + +"No," said Yump, "I sat down on him." + +"Rah, rah, rah," said the students. + +There was silence for a moment. Then Kwitoff spoke. + +"Friends," he said, "the new day is coming. The dawn is +breaking. The moon is rising. The stars are setting. It +is the birth of freedom. See! we need it not!"--and as +he spoke he grasped in his hands the bomb with its still +unlighted fuse--"Russia is free. We are all brothers +now. Let us cast it at our enemies. Forward! To the +frontier! Live the Czar." + + + + +Movies and Motors, Men and Women + + + + +IV. Madeline of the Movies: A Photoplay done + back into Words + +EXPLANATORY NOTE. + +In writing this I ought to explain that I am a tottering +old man of forty-six. I was born too soon to understand +moving pictures. They go too fast. I can't keep up. In +my young days we used a magic lantern. It showed Robinson +Crusoe in six scenes. It took all evening to show them. +When it was done the hall was filled full with black +smoke and the audience quite unstrung with excitement. +What I set down here represents my thoughts as I sit in +front of a moving picture photoplay and interpret it as +best I can. + +Flick, flick, flick! I guess it must be going to begin +now, but it's queer the people don't stop talking: how +can they expect to hear the pictures if they go on talking? +Now it's off. PASSED BY THE BOARD OF--. Ah, this looks +interesting--passed by the board of--wait till I adjust +my spectacles and read what it-- + +It's gone. Never mind, here's something else, let me +see--CAST OF CHARACTERS--Oh, yes--let's see who they +are--MADELINE MEADOWLARK, a young something--EDWARD +DANGERFIELD, a--a what? Ah, yes, a roo--at least, it's +spelt r-o-u-e, that must be roo all right--but wait till +I see what that is that's written across the top--MADELINE +MEADOWLARK; OR, ALONE IN A GREAT CITY. I see, that's the +title of it. I wonder which of the characters is alone. +I guess not Madeline: she'd hardly be alone in a place +like that. I imagine it's more likely Edward Dangerous +the Roo. A roo would probably be alone a great deal, I +should think. Let's see what the other characters are--JOHN +HOLDFAST, a something. FARMER MEADOWLARK, MRS. MEADOWLARK, +his Something-- + +Pshaw, I missed the others, but never mind; flick, flick, +it's beginning--What's this? A bedroom, eh? Looks like +a girl's bedroom--pretty poor sort of place. I wish the +picture would keep still a minute--in Robinson Crusoe it +all stayed still and one could sit and look at it, the +blue sea and the green palm trees and the black footprints +in the yellow sand--but this blamed thing keeps rippling +and flickering all the time--Ha! there's the girl +herself--come into her bedroom. My! I hope she doesn't +start to undress in it--that would be fearfully +uncomfortable with all these people here. No, she's not +undressing--she's gone and opened the cupboard. What's +that she's doing--taking out a milk jug and a glass--empty, +eh? I guess it must be, because she seemed to hold it +upside down. Now she's picked up a sugar bowl--empty, +too, eh?--and a cake tin, and that's empty--What on +earth does she take them all out for if they're empty? +Why can't she speak? I think--hullo--who's this coming +in? Pretty hard-looking sort of woman--what's she got in +her hand?--some sort of paper, I guess--she looks like +a landlady, I shouldn't wonder if-- + +Flick, flick! Say! Look there on the screen: + + "YOU OWE ME + THREE WEEKS' RENT." + +Oh, I catch on! that's what the landlady says, eh? Say! +That's a mighty smart way to indicate it isn't it? I was +on to that in a minute--flick, flick--hullo, the landlady's +vanished--what's the girl doing now--say, she's praying! +Look at her face! Doesn't she look religious, eh? + +Flick, flick! + +Oh, look, they've put her face, all by itself, on the +screen. My! what a big face she's got when you see it +like that. + +She's in her room again--she's taking off her jacket--by +Gee! She _is_ going to bed! Here, stop the machine; it +doesn't seem--Flick, flick! + +Well, look at that! She's in bed, all in one flick, and +fast asleep! Something must have broken in the machine +and missed out a chunk. There! she's asleep all right--looks +as if she was dreaming. Now it's sort of fading. I wonder +how they make it do that? I guess they turn the wick of +the lamp down low: that was the way in Robinson +Crusoe--Flick, flick! + +Hullo! where on earth is this--farmhouse, I guess--must +be away upstate somewhere--who on earth are these people? +Old man--white whiskers--old lady at a spinning-wheel--see +it go, eh? Just like real! And a young man--that must be +John Holdfast--and a girl with her hand in his. Why! +Say! it's the girl, the same girl, Madeline--only what's +she doing away off here at this farm--how did she get +clean back from the bedroom to this farm? Flick, flick! +what's this? + + "NO, JOHN, I CANNOT MARRY YOU. + I MUST DEVOTE MY LIFE + TO MY MUSIC." + +Who says that? What music? Here, stop-- + +It's all gone. What's this new place? Flick, flick, looks +like a street. Say! see the street car coming along--well! +say! isn't that great? A street car! And here's Madeline! +How on earth did she get back from the old farm all in +a second? Got her street things on--that must be music +under her arm--I wonder where--hullo--who's this man in +a silk hat and swell coat? Gee! he's well dressed. See +him roll his eyes at Madeline! He's lifting his hat--I +guess he must be Edward Something, the Roo--only a roo +would dress as well as he does--he's going to speak to +her-- + + "SIR, I DO NOT KNOW YOU. + LET ME PASS." + +Oh, I see! The Roo mistook her; he thought she was somebody +that he knew! And she wasn't! I catch on! It gets easy +to understand these pictures once you're on. + +Flick, flick--Oh, say, stop! I missed a piece--where is +she? Outside a street door--she's pausing a moment +outside--that was lucky her pausing like that--it just +gave me time to read EMPLOYMENT BUREAU on the door. Gee! +I read it quick. + +Flick, flick! Where is it now?--oh, I see, she's gone +in--she's in there--this must be the Bureau, eh? There's +Madeline going up to the desk. + + "NO, WE HAVE TOLD YOU BEFORE, + WE HAVE NOTHING ..." + +Pshaw! I read too slow--she's on the street again. Flick, +flick! + +No, she isn't--she's back in her room--cupboard still +empty--no milk--no sugar--Flick, flick! + +Kneeling down to pray--my! but she's religious--flick, +flick--now she's on the street--got a letter in her +hand--what's the address--Flick, flick! + + Mr. Meadowlark + Meadow Farm + Meadow County + New York + +Gee! They've put it right on the screen! The whole letter! +Flick, flick--here's Madeline again on the street with +the letter still in her hand--she's gone to a letter-box +with it--why doesn't she post it? What's stopping her? + + "I CANNOT TELL THEM + OF MY FAILURE. + IT WOULD BREAK THEIR ..." + +Break their what? They slide these things along altogether +too quick--anyway, she won't post it--I see--she's torn +it up--Flick, flick! + +Where is it now? Another street--seems like everything +--that's a restaurant, I guess--say, it looks a swell +place--see the people getting out of the motor and going +in--and another lot right after them--there's Madeline +--she's stopped outside the window--she's looking in--it's +starting to snow! Hullo! here's a man coming along! Why, +it's the Roo; he's stopping to talk to her, and pointing +in at the restaurant--Flick, flick! + + "LET ME TAKE YOU IN HERE + TO DINNER." + +Oh, I see! The Roo says that! My! I'm getting on to the +scheme of these things--the Roo is going to buy her some +dinner! That's decent of him. He must have heard about +her being hungry up in her room--say, I'm glad he came +along. Look, there's a waiter come out to the door to +show them in--what! she won't go! Say! I don't understand! +Didn't it say he offered to take her in? Flick, flick! + + "I WOULD RATHER DIE + THAN EAT IT." + +Gee! Why's that? What are all the audience applauding +for? I must have missed something! Flick, flick! + +Oh, blazes! I'm getting lost! Where is she now? Back in +her room--flick, flick--praying--flick, flick! She's out +on the street!--flick, flick!--in the employment bureau +--flick, flick!--out of it--flick--darn the thing! It +changes too much--where is it all? What is it all--? +Flick, flick! + +Now it's back at the old farm--I understand that all +right, anyway! Same kitchen--same old man--same old +woman--she's crying--who's this?--man in a sort of +uniform--oh, I see, rural postal delivery--oh, yes, he +brings them their letters--I see-- + + "NO, MR. MEADOWLARK, + I AM SORRY, + I HAVE STILL NO LETTER + FOR YOU..." + +Flick! It's gone! Flick, flick--it's Madeline's room +again--what's she doing?--writing a letter?--no, she's +quit writing--she's tearing it up-- + + "I CANNOT WRITE. + IT WOULD BREAK THEIR ..." + +Flick--missed it again! Break their something or other +--Flick, flick! + +Now it's the farm again--oh, yes, that's the young man +John Holdfast--he's got a valise in his hand--he must be +going away--they're shaking hands with him--he's saying +something-- + + "I WILL FIND HER FOR YOU + IF I HAVE TO SEARCH + ALL NEW YORK." + +He's off--there he goes through the gate--they're waving +good-bye--flick--it's a railway depot--flick--it's New +York--say! That's the Grand Central Depot! See the people +buying tickets! My! isn't it lifelike?--and there's +John--he's got here all right--I hope he finds her room-- + +The picture changed--where is it now? Oh, yes, I see +--Madeline and the Roo--outside a street entrance to some +place--he's trying to get her to come in--what's that +on the door? Oh, yes, DANCE HALL--Flick, flick! + +Well, say, that must be the inside of the dance hall +--they're dancing--see, look, look, there's one of the +girls going to get up and dance on the table. + +Flick! Darn it!--they've cut it off--it's outside again +--it's Madeline and the Roo--she's saying something to +him--my! doesn't she look proud--? + + "I WILL DIE RATHER THAN DANCE." + +Isn't she splendid! Hear the audience applaud! Flick--it's +changed--it's Madeline's room again--that's the landlady +--doesn't she look hard, eh? What's this--Flick! + + "IF YOU CANNOT PAY, YOU MUST + LEAVE TO-NIGHT." + +Flick, flick--it's Madeline--she's out in the street--it's +snowing--she's sat down on a doorstep--say, see her +face, isn't it pathetic? There! They've put her face all +by itself on the screen. See her eyes move! Flick, flick! + +Who's this? Where is it? Oh, yes, I get it--it's John--at +a police station--he's questioning them--how grave they +look, eh? Flick, flick! + + "HAVE YOU SEEN A GIRL + IN NEW YORK?" + +I guess that's what he asks them, eh? Flick, flick-- + + "NO, WE HAVE NOT." + +Too bad--flick--it's changed again--it's Madeline on the +doorstep--she's fallen asleep--oh, say, look at that man +coming near to her on tiptoes, and peeking at her--why, +it's Edward, it's the Roo--but he doesn't waken her--what +does it mean? What's he after? Flick, flick-- + +Hullo--what's this?--it's night--what's this huge dark +thing all steel, with great ropes against the sky--it's +Brooklyn Bridge--at midnight--there's a woman on it! +It's Madeline--see! see! She's going to jump--stop her! +Stop her! Flick, flick-- + +Hullo! she didn't jump after all--there she is again on +the doorstep--asleep--how could she jump over Brooklyn +Bridge and still be asleep? I don't catch on--or, oh, +yes, I do--she _dreamed_ it--I see now, that's a great +scheme, eh?--shows her _dream_-- + +The picture's changed--what's this place--a saloon, I +guess--yes, there's the bartender, mixing drinks--men +talking at little tables--aren't they a tough-looking +lot?--see, that one's got a revolver--why, it's Edward +the Roo--talking with two men--he's giving them +money--what's this?-- + + "GIVE US A HUNDRED APIECE + AND WE'LL DO IT." + +It's in the street again--Edward and one of the two toughs +--they've got little black masks on--they're sneaking +up to Madeline where she sleeps--they've got a big motor +drawn up beside them--look, they've grabbed hold of +Madeline--they're lifting her into the motor--help! +Stop! Aren't there any police?--yes, yes, there's a man +who sees it--by Gee! It's John, John Holdfast--grab +them, John--pshaw! they've jumped into the motor, they're +off! + +Where is it now?--oh, yes--it's the police station again +--that's John, he's telling them about it--he's all out +of breath--look, that head man, the big fellow, he's +giving orders-- + + "INSPECTOR FORDYCE, TAKE YOUR + BIGGEST CAR AND TEN MEN. + IF YOU OVERTAKE THEM, + SHOOT AND SHOOT + TO KILL." + +Hoorah! Isn't it great--hurry! don't lose a minute--see +them all buckling on revolvers--get at it, boys, get at +it! Don't lose a second-- + +Look, look--it's a motor--full speed down the street--look +at the houses fly past--it's the motor with the thugs--there +it goes round the corner--it's getting smaller, it's +getting smaller, but look, here comes another--my! it's +just flying--it's full of police--there's John in +front--Flick! + +Now it's the first motor--it's going over a bridge--it's +heading for the country--say, isn't that car just flying +--Flick, flick! + +It's the second motor--it's crossing the bridge too--hurry, +boys, make it go!--Flick, flick! + +Out in the country--a country road--early daylight--see +the wind in the trees! Notice the branches waving? Isn't +it natural?--whiz! Biff! There goes the motor--biff! +There goes the other one--right after it--hoorah! + +The open road again--the first motor flying along! Hullo, +what's wrong? It's slackened, it stops--hoorah! it's +broken down--there's Madeline inside--there's Edward the +Roo! Say! isn't he pale and desperate! + +Hoorah! the police! the police! all ten of them in their +big car--see them jumping out--see them pile into the +thugs! Down with them! paste their heads off! Shoot them! +Kill them! isn't it great--isn't it educative--that's +the Roo--Edward--with John at his throat! Choke him, +John! Throttle him! Hullo, it's changed--they're in the +big motor--that's the Roo with the handcuffs on him. + +That's Madeline--she's unbound and she's talking; say, +isn't she just real pretty when she smiles? + + "YES, JOHN, I HAVE LEARNED THAT + I WAS WRONG TO PUT MY ART + BEFORE YOUR LOVE. I WILL + MARRY YOU AS SOON AS + YOU LIKE." + +Flick, flick! + +What pretty music! Ding! Dong! Ding! Dong! Isn't it soft +and sweet!--like wedding bells. Oh, I see, the man in +the orchestra's doing it with a little triangle and a +stick--it's a little church up in the country--see all +the people lined up--oh! there's Madeline! in a long +white veil--isn't she just sweet!--and John-- + +Flick, flack, flick, flack. + + "BULGARIAN TROOPS ON THE + MARCH." + +What! Isn't it over? Do they all go to Bulgaria? I don't +seem to understand. Anyway, I guess it's all right to go +now. Other people are going. + + + + +V. The Call of the Carburettor, or, + Mr. Blinks and his Friends + +"First get a motor in your own eye and then you will +overlook more easily the motor in your brother's +eye."--Somewhere in the Bible. + +"By all means let's have a reception," said Mrs. Blinks. +"It's the quickest and nicest way to meet our old friends +again after all these years. And goodness knows this +house is big enough for it"--she gave a glance as she +spoke round the big reception-room of the Blinkses' +residence--"and these servants seem to understand things +so perfectly it's no trouble to us to give anything. +Only don't let's ask a whole lot of chattering young +people that we don't know; let's have the older people, +the ones that can talk about something really worth +while." + +"That's just what I say," answered Mr. Blinks--he was a +small man with insignificance written all over him--"let +me listen to people talk; that's what _I_ like. I'm not +much on the social side myself, but I do enjoy hearing +good talk. That's what I liked so much over in England. +All them--all those people that we used to meet talked +so well. And in France those ladies that run saloons on +Sunday afternoons--" + +"Sallongs," corrected Mrs. Blinks. "It's sounded like it +was a G." She picked up a pencil and paper. "Well, then," +she said, as she began to write down names, "we'll ask +Judge Ponderus--" + +"Sure!" assented Mr. Blinks, rubbing his hands. "He's a +fine talker, if he'll come!" + +"They'll all come," said his wife, "to a house as big as +this; and we'll ask the Rev. Dr. Domb and his wife--or, +no, he's Archdeacon Domb now, I hear--and he'll invite +Bishop Sollem, so they can talk together." + +"That'll be good," said Mr. Blinks. "I remember years +and years ago hearing them two--those two, talking about +religion, all about the soul and the body. Man! It was +deep. It was clean beyond me. That's what I like to listen +to." + +"And Professor Potofax from the college," went on Mrs. +Blinks. "You remember, the big stout one." + +"I know," said her husband. + +"And his daughter, she's musical, and Mrs. Buncomtalk, +she's a great light on woman suffrage, and Miss Scragg +and Mr. Underdone--they both write poetry, so they can +talk about that." + +"It'll be a great treat to listen to them all," said Mr. +Blinks. + +A week later, on the day of the Blinkses' reception, +there was a string of motors three deep along a line of +a hundred yards in front of the house. + +Inside the reception rooms were filled. + +Mr. Blinks, insignificant even in his own house, moved +to and fro among his guests. + +Archdeacon Domb and Dean Sollem were standing side by +side with their heads gravely lowered, as they talked, +over the cups of tea that they held in their hands. + +Mr. Blinks edged towards them. + +"This'll be something pretty good," he murmured to himself +as he got within reach of their conversation. + +"What do you do about your body?" the Archdeacon was +asking in his deep, solemn tones. + +"Practically nothing," said the Bishop. "A little rub of +shellac now and then, but practically nothing." + +"You wash it, of course?" asked Dr. Domb. + +"Only now and again, but far less than you would think. +I really take very little thought for my body." + +"Ah," said Dr. Domb reflectively, "I went all over mine +last summer with linseed oil." + +"But didn't you find," said the Bishop, "that it got into +your pipes and choked your feed?" + +"It did," said Dr. Domb, munching a bit of toast as he +spoke. "In fact, I have had a lot of trouble with my +feed ever since." + +"Try flushing your pipes out with hot steam," said the +Bishop. Mr. Blinks had listened in something like dismay. + +"Motor-cars!" he murmured. "Who'd have thought it?" + +But at this moment a genial, hearty-looking person came +pushing towards him with a cheery greeting. + +"I'm afraid I'm rather late, Blinks," he said. + +"Delayed in court, eh, Judge?" said Blinks as he shook +hands. + +"No, blew out a plug!" said the Judge. "Stalled me right +up." + +"Blew out a plug!" exclaimed Dr. Domb and the Bishop, +deeply interested at once. + +"A cracked insulator, I think," said the Judge. + +"Possibly," said the Archdeacon very gravely, "the terminal +nuts of your dry battery were loose." + +Mr. Blinks moved slowly away. + +"Dear me!" he mused, "how changed they are." + +It was a relief to him to edge his way quietly into +another group of guests where he felt certain that the +talk would be of quite another kind. + +Professor Potofax and Miss Scragg and a number of others +were evidently talking about books. + +"A beautiful book," the professor was saying. "One of +the best things, to my mind at any rate, that has appeared +for years. There's a chapter on the silencing of exhaust +gas which is simply marvellous." + +"Is it illustrated?" questioned one of the ladies. + +"Splendidly," said the professor. "Among other things +there are sectional views of check valves and flexible +roller bearings--" + +"Ah, do tell me about the flexible bearings," murmured +Miss Scragg. + +Mr. Blinks moved on. + +Wherever he went among his guests, they all seemed stricken +with the same mania. He caught their conversation in +little scraps. + +"I ran her up to forty with the greatest of ease, then +threw in my high speed and got seventy out of her without +any trouble."--"No, I simply used a socket wrench, it +answers perfectly."--"Yes, a solution of calcium chloride +is very good, but of course the hydrochloric acid in it +has a powerful effect on the metal." + +"Dear me," mused Mr. Blinks, "are they all mad?" + +Meantime, around his wife, who stood receiving in state +at one end of the room, the guests surged to and fro. + +"So charmed to see you again," exclaimed one. "You've +been in Europe a long time, haven't you? Oh, mostly in +the south of England? Are the roads good? Last year my +husband and I went all through Shakespeare's country. +It's just delightful. They sprinkle it so thoroughly. +And Stratford-on-Avon itself is just a treat. It's all +oiled, every bit of it, except the little road by +Shakespeare's house; but we didn't go along that. Then +later we went up to the lake district: but it's not so +good: they don't oil it." + +She floated away, to give place to another lady. + +"In France every summer?" she exclaimed. "Oh, how perfectly +lovely. Don't you think the French cars simply divine? +My husband thinks the French body is far better modelled +than ours. He saw ever so many of them. He thought of +bringing one over with him, but it costs such a lot to +keep them in good order." + +"The theatres?" said another lady. "How you must have +enjoyed them. I just love the theatres. Last week my +husband and I were at the _Palatial_--it's moving +pictures--where they have that film with the motor +collision running. It's just wonderful. You see the +motors going at full speed, and then smash right into +one another--and all the people killed--it's really fine." + +"Have they all gone insane?" said Mr. Blinks to his wife +after the guests had gone. + +"Dreadful, isn't it?" she assented. "I never was so bored +in my life." + +"Why, they talk of nothing else but their motor-cars!" +said Blinks. "We've got to get a car, I suppose, living +at this distance from the town, but I'm hanged if I intend +to go clean crazy over it like these people." + +And the guests as they went home talked of the Blinkses. + +"I fear," said Dr. Domb to Judge Ponderus, "that Blinks +has hardly profited by his time in Europe as much as he +ought to have. He seems to have observed _nothing_. I +was asking him about the new Italian touring car that +they are using so much in Rome. He said he had never +noticed it. And he was there a month!" + +"Is it possible?" said the Judge. "Where were his eyes?" + +All of which showed that Mr. and Mrs. Blinks were in +danger of losing their friends for ever. + +But it so happened that about three weeks later Blinks +came home to his residence in an obvious state of +excitement. His face was flushed and he had on a silly +little round cap with a glazed peak. + +"Why, Clarence," cried his wife, "whatever is the matter?" + +"Matter!" he exclaimed. "There isn't anything the matter! +I bought a car this morning, that's all. Say, it's a +beauty, a regular peach, four thousand with ten off. I +ran it clean round the shed alone first time. The chauffeur +says he never saw anybody get on to the hang of it so +quick. Get on your hat and come right down to the garage. +I've got a man waiting there to teach you to run it. +Hurry up!" + +Within a week or two after that one might see the Blinkses +any morning, in fact every morning, out in their car! + +"Good morning, Judge!" calls Blinks gaily as he passes, +"how's that carburettor acting?--Good morning. Archdeacon, +is that plug trouble of yours all right again?--Hullo, +Professor, let me pick you up and ride you up to the +college; oh, it's no trouble. What do you think of the +bearings of this car? Aren't they just dandy?" + +And so Mr. Blinks has got all his friends back again. + +After all, the great thing about being crazy is to be +all crazy together. + + + + +VI. The Two Sexes in Fives or Sixes. + A Dinner-party Study + +"But, surely," exclaimed the Hostess, looking defiantly +and searchingly through the cut flowers of the centre-piece, +so that her eye could intimidate in turn all the five +men at the table, "one must admit that women are men's +equals in every way?" + +The Lady-with-the-Bust tossed her head a little and +echoed, "Oh, surely!" + +The Debutante lifted her big blue eyes a little towards +the ceiling, with the upward glance that stands for +innocence. She said nothing, waiting for a cue as to what +to appear to be. + +Meantime the Chief Lady Guest, known to be in suffrage +work, was pinching up her lips and getting her phrases +ready, like a harpooner waiting to strike. She knew that +the Hostess meant this as an opening for her. + +But the Soft Lady Whom Men Like toyed with a bit of bread +on the tablecloth (she had a beautiful hand) and smiled +gently. The other women would have called it a simper. +To the men it stood for profound intelligence. + +The five men that sat amongst and between the ladies +received the challenge of the Hostess's speech and answered +it each in his own way. + +From the Heavy Host at the head of the table there came +a kind of deep grunt, nothing more. He had heard this +same talk at each of his dinners that season. + +There was a similar grunt from the Heavy Business Friend +of the Host, almost as broad and thick as the Host himself. +He knew too what was coming. He proposed to stand by his +friend, man for man. He could sympathise. The +Lady-with-the-Bust was his wife. + +But the Half Man with the Moon Face, who was known to +work side by side with women on committees and who called +them "Comrades," echoed: + +"Oh, surely!" with deep emphasis. + +The Smooth Gentleman, there for business reasons, exclaimed +with great alacrity, "Women equal! Oh, rather!" + +Last of all the Interesting Man with Long Hair, known to +write for the magazines--all of them--began at once: + +"I remember once saying to Mrs. Pankhurst--" but was +overwhelmed in the general conversation before he could +say what it was he remembered saying to Mrs. Pankhurst. + +In other words, the dinner-party, at about course number +seven, had reached the inevitable moment of the discussion +of the two sexes. + +It had begun as dinner-parties do. + +Everybody had talked gloomily to his neighbour, over the +oysters, on one drink of white wine; more or less brightly +to two people, over the fish, on two drinks; quite +brilliantly to three people on three drinks; and then +the conversation had become general and the European war +had been fought through three courses with champagne. +Everybody had taken an extremely broad point of view. +The Heavy Business Friend had declared himself absolutely +impartial and had at once got wet with rage over cotton. +The Chief Lady Guest had explained that she herself was +half English on her mother's side, and the Lady-with- +the-Bust had told how a lady friend of hers had a cousin +who had travelled in Hungary. She admitted that it was +some years ago. Things might have changed since. Then +the Interesting Man, having got the table where he wanted +it, had said: "I remember when I was last in Sofia--by +the way it is pronounced Say-ah-fee-ah--talking with +Radovitch--or Radee-ah-vitch, as it should be sounded--the +foreign secretary, on what the Sobranje--it is pronounced +Soophrangee--would be likely to do"--and by the time he +had done with the Sobranje no one dared speak of the war +any more. + +But the Hostess had got out of it the opening she wanted, +and she said: + +"At any rate, it is wonderful what women have done in +the war--" + +"And are doing," echoed the Half Man with the Moon Face. + +And then it was that the Hostess had said that surely +every one must admit women are equal to men and the topic +of the sexes was started. All the women had been waiting +for it, anyway. It is the only topic that women care +about. Even men can stand it provided that fifty per cent +or more of the women present are handsome enough to +justify it. + +"I hardly see how, after all that has happened, any +rational person could deny for a moment," continued the +Hostess, looking straight at her husband and his Heavy +Business Friend, "that women are equal and even superior +to men. Surely our brains are just as good?" and she gave +an almost bitter laugh. + +"Don't you think perhaps--?" began the Smooth Gentleman. + +"No, I don't," said the Hostess. "You're going to say +that we are inferior in things like mathematics or in +logical reasoning. We are not. But, after all, the only +reason why we are is because of training. Think of the +thousands of years that men have been trained. Answer me +that?" + +"Well, might it not be--?" began the Smooth Gentleman. + +"I don't think so for a moment," said the Hostess. "I +think if we'd only been trained as men have for the last +two or three thousand years our brains would be just as +well trained for the things they were trained for as they +would have been now for the things we have been trained +for and in that case wouldn't have. Don't you agree with +me," she said, turning to the Chief Lady Guest, whom she +suddenly remembered, "that, after all, we think more +clearly?" + +Here the Interesting Man, who had been silent longer than +an Interesting Man can, without apoplexy, began: + +"I remember once saying in London to Sir Charles Doosey--" + +But the Chief Lady Guest refused to be checked. + +"We've been gathering some rather interesting statistics," +she said, speaking very firmly, syllable by syllable, +"on that point at our Settlement. We have measured the +heads of five hundred factory girls, making a chart of +them, you know, and the feet of five hundred domestic +servants--" + +"And don't you find--" began the Smooth Gentleman. + +"No," said the Chief Lady Guest firmly, "we do not. But +I was going to say that when we take our measurements +and reduce them to a scale of a hundred--I think you +understand me--" + +"Ah, but come, now," interrupted the Interesting man, +"there's nothing really more deceitful than anthropometric +measures. I remember once saying (in London) to Sir Robert +Bittell--_the_ Sir Robert Bittell, you know--" + +Here everybody murmured, "Oh, yes," except the Heavy Host +and his Heavy Friend, who with all their sins were honest +men. + +"I said, 'Sir Robert, I want your frank opinion, your +very frank opinion--'" + +But here there was a slight interruption. The Soft Lady +accidentally dropped a bangle from her wrist on to the +floor. Now all through the dinner she had hardly said +anything, but she had listened for twenty minutes (from +the grapefruit to the fish) while the Interesting Man +had told her about his life in Honduras (it is pronounced +Hondooras), and for another twenty while the Smooth +Gentleman, who was a barrister, had discussed himself as +a pleader. And when each of the men had begun to speak +in the general conversation, she had looked deep into +their faces as if hanging on to their words. So when she +dropped her bangle two of the men leaped from their chairs +to get it, and the other three made a sort of struggle +as they sat. By the time it was recovered and replaced +upon her arm (a very beautiful arm), the Interesting Man +was side-tracked and the Chief Lady Guest, who had gone +on talking during the bangle hunt, was heard saying: + +"Entirely so. That seems to me the greatest difficulty +before us. So few men are willing to deal with the question +with perfect sincerity." + +She laid emphasis on the word and the Half Man with the +Moon Face took his cue from it and threw a pose of almost +painful sincerity. + +"Why is it," continued the Chief Lady Guest, "that men +always insist on dealing with us just as if we were +playthings, just so many dressed-up dolls?" + +Here the Debutante immediately did a doll. + +"If a woman is attractive and beautiful," the lady went +on, "so much the better." (She had no intention of letting +go of the doll business entirely.) "But surely you men +ought to value us as something more than mere dolls?" + +She might have pursued the topic, but at this moment the +Smooth Gentleman, who made a rule of standing in all +round, and had broken into a side conversation with the +Silent Host, was overheard to say something about women's +sense of humour. + +The table was in a turmoil in a moment, three of the +ladies speaking at once. To deny a woman's sense of humour +is the last form of social insult. + +"I entirely disagree with you," said the Chief Lady Guest, +speaking very severely. "I know it from my own case, from +my own sense of humour and from observation. Last week, +for example, we measured no less than seventy-five factory +girls--" + +"Well, I'm sure," said the Lady-with-the-Bust, "I don't +know what men mean by our not having a sense of humour. +I'm sure I have. I know I went last week to a vaudeville, +and I just laughed all through. Of course I can't read +Mark Twain, or anything like that, but then I don't call +that funny, do you?" she concluded, turning to the Hostess. + +But the Hostess, feeling somehow that the ground was +dangerous, had already risen, and in a moment more the +ladies had floated out of the room and upstairs to the +drawing-room, where they spread themselves about in easy +chairs in billows of pretty coloured silk. + +"How charming it is," the Chief Lady Guest began, "to +find men coming so entirely to our point of view! Do you +know it was so delightful to-night: I hardly heard a word +of dissent or contradiction." + +Thus they talked; except the Soft Lady, who had slipped +into a seat by herself with an album over her knees, and +with an empty chair on either side of her. There she +waited. + +Meantime, down below, the men had shifted into chairs to +one end of the table and the Heavy Host was shoving cigars +at them, thick as ropes, and passing the port wine, with +his big fist round the neck of the decanter. But for his +success in life he could have had a place as a bar tender +anywhere. + +None of them spoke till the cigars were well alight. + +Then the Host said very deliberately, taking each word +at his leisure, with smoke in between: + +"Of course--this--suffrage business--" + +"Tommyrot!" exclaimed the Smooth Gentleman, with great +alacrity, his mask entirely laid aside. + +"Damn foolishness," gurgled the Heavy Business Friend, +sipping his port. + +"Of course you can't really discuss it with women," +murmured the Host. + +"Oh, no," assented all the others. Even the Half Man +sipped his wine and turned traitor, there being no one +to see. + +"You see," said the Host, "if my wife likes to go to +meetings and be on committees, why, I don't stop her." + +"Neither do I mine," said the Heavy Friend. "It amuses +her, so I let her do it." His wife, the Lady-with-the-Bust, +was safely out of hearing. + +"I remember once," began the Interesting Man, "saying +to"--he paused a moment, for the others were looking at +him--"another man that if women did get the vote they'd +never use it, anyway. All they like is being talked about +for not getting it." + +After which, having exhausted the Woman Question, the +five men turned to such bigger subjects as the fall in +sterling exchange and the President's seventeenth note +to Germany. + +Then presently they went upstairs. And when they reached +the door of the drawing-room a keen observer, or, indeed, +any kind of observer, might have seen that all five of +them made an obvious advance towards the two empty seats +beside the Soft Lady. + + + + +VII. The Grass Bachelor's Guide. + With sincere Apologies to the Ladies' Periodicals + +There are periods in the life of every married man when +he is turned for the time being into a grass bachelor. + +This happens, for instance, in the summer time when his +wife is summering by the sea, and he himself is simmering +in the city. It happens also in the autumn when his wife +is in Virginia playing golf in order to restore her +shattered nerves after the fatigues of the seaside. It +occurs again in November when his wife is in the Adirondacks +to get the benefit of the altitude, and later on through +the winter when she is down in Florida to get the benefit +of the latitude. The breaking up of the winter being, +notoriously, a trying time on the system, any reasonable +man is apt to consent to his wife's going to California. +In the later spring, the season of the bursting flowers +and the young buds, every woman likes to be with her +mother in the country. It is not fair to stop her. + +It thus happens that at various times of the year a great +number of men, unable to leave their business, are left +to their own resources as housekeepers in their deserted +houses and apartments. It is for their benefit that I +have put together these hints on housekeeping for men. +It may be that in composing them I owe something to the +current number of the leading women's magazines. If so, +I need not apologise. I am sure that in these days We +Men all feel that We Men and We Women are so much alike, +or at least those of us who call ourselves so, that we +need feel no jealousy when We Men and We Women are striving +each, or both, in the same direction if in opposite ways. +I hope that I make myself clear. I am sure I do. + +So I feel that if We Men, who are left alone in our houses +and apartments in the summer-time, would only set ourselves +to it, we could make life not only a little brighter for +ourselves but also a little less bright for those about +us. + +Nothing contributes to this end so much as good +housekeeping. The first thing for the housekeeper to +realise is that it is impossible for him to attend to +his housekeeping in the stiff and unbecoming garments of +his business hours. When he begins his day he must +therefore carefully consider-- + + WHAT TO WEAR BEFORE DRESSING + +The simplest and best thing will be found to be a plain +sacque or kimono, cut very full so as to allow of the +freest movement, and buttoned either down the front or +back or both. If the sleeve is cut short at the elbow +and ruffled above the bare arm, the effect is both +serviceable and becoming. It will be better, especially +for such work as lighting the gas range and boiling water, +to girdle the kimono with a simple yet effective rope or +tasselled silk, which may be drawn in or let out according +to the amount of water one wishes to boil. A simple kimono +of this sort can be bought almost anywhere for $2.50, or +can be supplied by Messrs. Einstein & Fickelbrot (see +advertising pages) for twenty-five dollars. + +Having a kimono such as this, our housekeeper can either +button himself into it with a button-hook (very good ones +are supplied by Messrs. Einstein & Fickelbrot [see ad.] +at a very reasonable price or even higher), or better +still, he can summon the janitor of the apartment, who +can button him up quite securely in a few minutes' time +--a quarter of an hour at the most. We Men cannot impress +upon ourselves too strongly that, for efficient housekeeping, +time is everything, and that much depends on quiet, +effective movement from place to place, or from any one +place to any number of other places. We are now ready to +consider the all-important question-- + + WHAT TO SELECT FOR BREAKFAST + +Our housekeeper will naturally desire something that is +simple and easily cooked, yet at the same time sustaining +and invigorating and containing a maximum of food value +with a minimum of cost. If he is wise he will realise +that the food ought to contain a proper quantity of both +proteids and amygdaloids, and, while avoiding a nitrogenous +breakfast, should see to it that he obtains sufficient +of what is albuminous and exogamous to prevent his +breakfast from becoming monotonous. Careful thought must +therefore be given to the breakfast menu. + +For the purpose of thinking, a simple but very effective +costume may be devised by throwing over the kimono itself +a thin lace shawl, with a fichu carried high above the +waistline and terminating in a plain insertion. A bit of +old lace thrown over the housekeeper's head is at once +serviceable and becoming and will help to keep the dust +out of his brain while thinking what to eat for breakfast. + +Very naturally our housekeeper's first choice will be +some kind of cereal. The simplest and most economical +breakfast of this kind can be secured by selecting some +cereal or grain food--such as oats, flax, split peas +that have been carefully strained in the colander, or +beans that have been fired off in a gun. Any of these +cereals may be bought for ten cents a pound at a +grocer's--or obtained from Messrs. Einstein & Fickelbrot +for a dollar a pound, or more. Supposing then that we +have decided upon a pound of split peas as our breakfast, +the next task that devolves upon our housekeeper is to-- + + GO OUT AND BUY IT + +Here our advice is simple but positive. Shopping should +never be done over the telephone or by telegraph. The +good housekeeper instead of telegraphing for his food +will insist on seeing his food himself, and will eat +nothing that he does not first see before eating. This +is a cardinal rule. For the moment, then, the range must +be turned low while our housekeeper sallies forth to +devote himself to his breakfast shopping. The best costume +for shopping is a simple but effective suit, cut in plain +lines, either square or crosswise, and buttoned wherever +there are button-holes. A simple hat of some dark material +may be worn together with plain boots drawn up well over +the socks and either laced or left unlaced. No harm is +done if a touch of colour is added by carrying a geranium +in the hand. We are now ready for the street. + + TEST OF EFFECTIVE SHOPPING + +Here we may say at once that the crucial test is that we +must know what we want, why we want it, where we want +it, and what it is. Time, as We Men are only too apt to +forget, is everything, and since our aim is now a pound +of split peas we must, as we sally forth, think of a +pound of split peas and only a pound. A cheery salutation +may be exchanged with other morning shoppers as we pass +along, but only exchanged. Split peas being for the moment +our prime business, we must, as rapidly and unobtrusively +as possible, visit those shops and only those shops where +split peas are to be had. + +Having found the split peas, our housekeeper's next task +is to _pay_ for them. This he does with money that may +be either carried in the hand or, better, tucked into a +simple _etui_, or _dodu_, that can be carried at the +wrist or tied to the ankle. The order duly given, our +housekeeper gives his address for the delivery of the +peas, and then, as quietly and harmlessly as possible, +returns to his apartment. His next office, and a most +important one it is, is now ready to be performed. This +new but necessary duty is-- + + WAITING FOR THE DELIVERY VAN + +A good costume for waiting for the delivery van in, is +a simple brown suit, slashed with yellow and purple, and +sliced or gored from the hip to the feet. As time is +everything, the housekeeper, after having put on his +slashed costume for waiting for the delivery van, may +set himself to the performance of a number of light +household tasks, at the same time looking occasionally +from the window so as to detect the arrival of the van +as soon as possible after it has arrived. Among other +things, he may now feed his canary by opening its mouth +with a button-hook and dropping in coffee beans till the +little songster shows by its gratified air that it is +full. A little time may be well spent among the flowers +and bulbs of the apartment, clipping here a leaf and here +a stem, and removing the young buds and bugs. For work +among the flowers, a light pair of rather long scissors, +say a foot long, can be carried at the girdle, or attached +to the _etui_ and passed over the shoulder with a looped +cord so as to fall in an easy and graceful fold across +the back. The moment is now approaching when we may +expect-- + + THE ARRIVAL OF THE VAN + +The housekeeper will presently discover the van, drawn +up in the front of the apartment, and its driver curled +up on the seat. Now is the moment of activity. Hastily +throwing on a _peignoir_, the housekeeper descends and, +receiving his parcel, reascends to his apartment. The +whole descent and reascent is made quickly, quietly, and, +if possible, only once. + + PUTTING THE PEAS TO SOAK + +Remember that unsoaked peas are hard, forcible, and +surcharged with a nitrogenous amygdaloid that is in +reality what chemical science calls putrate of lead. On +the other hand, peas that are soaked become large, voluble, +textile, and, while extremely palatable, are none the +less rich in glycerine, starch, and other lacteroids and +bactifera. To contain the required elements of nutrition +split peas must be soaked for two hours in fresh water +and afterwards boiled for an hour and a quarter +(eighty-five minutes). + +It is now but the work of a moment to lift the saucepan +of peas from the fire, strain them through a colander, +pass them thence into a net or bag, rinse them in cold +water and then spread the whole appetising mass on a +platter and carry it on a fireshovel to the dining-room. +As it is now about six o'clock in the evening, our +housekeeper can either-- + + TELEPHONE TO HIS CLUB + AND ORDER A THIN SOUP + WITH A BITE OF FISH, + TWO LAMB CHOPS WITH ASPARAGUS, + AND SEND WORD ALSO + FOR A PINT OF MOSELLE + TO BE LAID ON ICE + +_Or he can sit down and eat those d--n peas_. + + WE KNOW WHICH HE WILL DO + + + + +VIII. Every Man and his Friends. Mr. Crunch's + Portrait Gallery (as Edited from his Private Thoughts) + + +(I) HIS VIEWS ON HIS EMPLOYER + +A mean man. I say it, of course, without any prejudice, +and without the slightest malice. But the man is mean. +Small, I think, is the word. I am not thinking, of course, +of my own salary. It is not a matter that I would care +to refer to; though, as a matter of fact, one would think +that after fifteen years of work an application for an +increase of five hundred dollars is the kind of thing +that any man ought to be glad to meet half-way. Not that +I bear the man any malice for it. None. If he died +to-morrow, no one would regret his death as genuinely as +I would: if he fell into the river and got drowned, or +if he fell into a sewer and suffocated, or if he got +burned to death in a gas explosion (there are a lot of +things that might happen to him), I should feel genuinely +sorry to see him cut off. + +But what strikes me more than the man's smallness is his +incompetence. The man is absolutely no good. It's not a +thing that I would say outside: as a matter of fact I +deny it every time I hear it, though every man in town +knows it. How that man ever got the position he has is +more than I can tell. And, as for holding it, he couldn't +hold it half a day if it weren't that the rest of us in +the office do practically everything for him. + +Why, I've seen him send out letters (I wouldn't say this +to anyone outside, of course, and I wouldn't like to have +it repeated)--letters with, actually, mistakes in English. +Think of it, in English! Ask his stenographer. + +I often wonder why I go on working for him. There are +dozens of other companies that would give anything to +get me. Only the other day--it's not ten years ago--I +had an offer, or practically an offer, to go to Japan +selling Bibles. I often wish now I had taken it. I believe +I'd like the Japanese. They're gentlemen, the Japanese. +They wouldn't turn a man down after slaving away for +fifteen years. + +I often think I'll quit him. I say to my wife that that +man had better not provoke me too far; or some day I'll +just step into his office and tell him exactly what I +think of him. I'd like to. I often say it over to myself +in the street car coming home. + +He'd better be careful, that's all. + + + + +(II) THE MINISTER WHOSE CHURCH HE ATTENDS + +A dull man. Dull is the only word I can think of that +exactly describes him--dull and prosy. I don't say that +he is not a good man. He may be. I don't say that he is +not. I have never seen any sign of it, if he is. But I +make it a rule never to say anything to take away a man's +character. + +And his sermons! Really that sermon he gave last Sunday +on Esau seemed to me the absolute limit. I wish you could +have heard it. I mean to say--drivel. I said to my wife +and some friends, as we walked away from the church, that +a sermon like that seemed to me to come from the dregs +of the human intellect. Mind you, I don't believe in +criticising a sermon. I always feel it a sacred obligation +never to offer a word of criticism. When I say that the +sermon was _punk_, I don't say it as criticism. I merely +state it as a fact. And to think that we pay that man +eighteen hundred dollars a year! And he's in debt all +the time at that. What does he do with it? He can't spend +it. It's not as if he had a large family (they've only +four children). It's just a case of sheer extravagance. +He runs about all the time. Last year it was a trip to +a Synod Meeting at New York--away four whole days; and +two years before that, dashing off to a Scripture Conference +at Boston, and away nearly a whole week, and his wife +with him! + +What I say is that if a man's going to spend his time +gadding about the country like that--here to-day and +there to-morrow--how on earth can he attend to his +parochial duties? + +I'm a religious man. At least I trust I am. I believe +--and more and more as I get older--in eternal punishment. +I see the need of it when I look about me. As I say, I +trust I am a religious man, but when it comes to subscribing +fifty dollars as they want us to, to get the man out of +debt, I say "No." + +True religion, as I see it, is not connected with money. + + + + +(III) HIS PARTNER AT BRIDGE + +The man is a complete ass. How a man like that has the +nerve to sit down at a bridge table, I don't know. I +wouldn't mind if the man had any idea--even the faintest +idea--of how to play. But he hasn't any. Three times I +signalled to him to throw the lead into my hand and he +wouldn't: I knew that our only ghost of a chance was to +let me do all the playing. But the ass couldn't see it. +He even had the supreme nerve to ask me what I meant by +leading diamonds when he had signalled that he had none. +I couldn't help asking him, as politely as I could, why +he had disregarded my signal for spades. He had the gall +to ask in reply why I had overlooked his signal for clubs +in the second hand round; the very time, mind you, when +I had led a three spot as a sign to him to let me play +the whole game. I couldn't help saying to him, at the +end of the evening, in a tone of such evident satire that +anyone but an ass would have recognised it, that I had +seldom had as keen an evening at cards. + +But he didn't see it. The irony of it was lost on him. +The jackass merely said--quite amiably and unconsciously +--that he thought I'd play a good game presently. Me! +Play a good game presently! + +I gave him a look, just one look as I went out! But I +don't think he saw it. He was talking to some one else. + + + + +(IV) HIS HOSTESS AT DINNER + +On what principle that woman makes up her dinner parties +is more than human brain can devise. Mind you, I like +going out to dinner. To my mind it's the very best form +of social entertainment. But I like to find myself among +people that can talk, not among a pack of numbskulls. +What I like is good general conversation, about things +worth talking about. But among a crowd of idiots like +that what can you expect? You'd think that even society +people would be interested, or pretend to be, in real +things. But not a bit. I had hardly started to talk about +the rate of exchange on the German mark in relation to +the fall of sterling bills--a thing that you would think +a whole table full of people would be glad to listen +to--when first thing I knew the whole lot of them had +ceased paying any attention and were listening to an +insufferable ass of an Englishman--I forget his name. +You'd hardly suppose that just because a man has been in +Flanders and has his arm in a sling and has to have his +food cut up by the butler, that's any reason for having +a whole table full of people listening to him. And +especially the women: they have a way of listening to a +fool like that with their elbows on the table that is +positively sickening. + +I felt that the whole thing was out of taste and tried +in vain, in one of the pauses, to give a lead to my +hostess by referring to the prospect of a shipping subsidy +bill going through to offset the register of alien ships. +But she was too utterly dense to take it up. She never +even turned her head. All through dinner that ass talked +--he and that silly young actor they're always asking +there that is perpetually doing imitations of the vaudeville +people. That kind of thing may be all right, for those +who care for it--I frankly don't--outside a theatre. But +to my mind the idea of trying to throw people into fits +of laughter at a dinner-table is simply execrable taste. +I cannot see the sense of people shrieking with laughter +at dinner. I have, I suppose, a better sense of humour +than most people. But to my mind a humourous story should +be told quietly and slowly in a way to bring out the +point of the humour and to make it quite clear by preparing +for it with proper explanations. But with people like +that I find I no sooner get well started with a story +than some fool or other breaks in. I had a most amusing +experience the other day--that is, about fifteen years +ago--at a summer hotel in the Adirondacks, that one would +think would have amused even a shallow lot of people like +those, but I had no sooner started to tell it--or had +hardly done more than to describe the Adirondacks in a +general way--than, first thing I know, my hostess, stupid +woman, had risen and all the ladies were trooping out. + +As to getting in a word edgeways with the men over the +cigars--perfectly impossible! They're worse than the +women. They were all buzzing round the infernal Englishman +with questions about Flanders and the army at the front. +I tried in vain to get their attention for a minute to +give them my impressions of the Belgian peasantry (during +my visit there in 1885), but my host simply turned to me +for a second and said, "Have some more port?" and was +back again listening to the asinine Englishman. + +And when we went upstairs to the drawing-room I found +myself, to my disgust, side-tracked in a corner of the +room with that supreme old jackass of a professor--their +uncle, I think, or something of the sort. In all my life +I never met a prosier man. He bored me blue with long +accounts of his visit to Serbia and his impressions of +the Serbian peasantry in 1875. + +I should have left early, but it would have been too +noticeable. + +The trouble with a woman like that is that she asks the +wrong people to her parties. + + +BUT, + +(V) HIS LITTLE SON + +You haven't seen him? Why, that's incredible. You must +have. He goes past your house every day on his way to +his kindergarten. You must have seen him a thousand +times. And he's a boy you couldn't help noticing. You'd +pick that boy out among a hundred, right away. "There's +a remarkable boy," you'd say. I notice people always turn +and look at him on the street. He's just the image of +me. Everybody notices it at once. + +How old? He's twelve. Twelve and two weeks yesterday. +But he's so bright you'd think he was fifteen. And the +things he says! You'd laugh! I've written a lot of them +down in a book for fear of losing them. Some day when +you come up to the house I'll read them to you. Come some +evening. Come early so that we'll have lots of time. He +said to me one day, "Dad" (he always calls me Dad), "what +makes the sky blue?" Pretty thoughtful, eh, for a little +fellow of twelve? He's always asking questions like that. +I wish I could remember half of them. + +And I'm bringing him up right, I tell you. I got him a +little savings box a while ago, and have got him taught +to put all his money in it, and not give any of it away, +so that when he grows up he'll be all right. + +On his last birthday I put a five dollar gold piece into +it for him and explained to him what five dollars meant, +and what a lot you could do with it if you hung on to +it. You ought to have seen him listen. + +"Dad," he says, "I guess you're the kindest man in the +world, aren't you?" + +Come up some time and see him. + + + + +IX. More than Twice-told Tales; or, + Every Man his Own Hero + +(I) + +The familiar story told about himself by the Commercial +Traveller who sold goods to the man who was regarded as +impossible. + +"What," they said, "you're getting off at Midgeville? +You're going to give the Jones Hardware Company a try, +eh?"--and then they all started laughing and giving me +the merry ha! ha! Well, I just got my grip packed and +didn't say a thing and when the train slowed up for +Midgeville, out I slid. "Give my love to old man Jones," +one of the boys called after me, "and get yourself a +couple of porous plasters and a pair of splints before +you tackle him!"--and then they all gave me the ha! ha! +again, out of the window as the train pulled out. + +Well, I walked uptown from the station to the Jones +Hardware Company. "Is Mr. Jones in the office?" I asked +of one of the young fellers behind the counter. "He's in +the office," he says, "all right, but I guess you can't +see him," he says--and he looked at my grip. "What name +shall I say?" says he. "Don't say any name at all," I +says. "Just open the door and let me in." + +Well, there was old man Jones sitting scowling over his +desk, biting his pen in that way he has. He looked up +when I came in. "See here, young man," he says, "you +can't sell me any hardware," he says. "Mr. Jones," I +says, "I don't _want_ to sell you any hardware. I'm not +_here_ to sell you any hardware. I know," I says, "as +well as you do," I says, "that I couldn't sell any hardware +if I tried to. But," I says, "I guess it don't do any +harm to open up this sample case, and show you some +hardware," I says. "Young man," says he, "if you start +opening up that sample case in here, you'll lose your +time, that's all"--and he turned off sort of sideways +and began looking over some letters. + +"That's _all right_, Mr. Jones," I says. "That's _all +right_. I'm _here_ to lose my time. But I'm not going +out of this room till you take a look anyway at some of +this new cutlery I'm carrying." + +So open I throws my sample case right across the end of +his desk. "Look at that knife," I says, "Mr. Jones. Just +look at it: clear Sheffield at three-thirty the dozen +and they're a knife that will last till you wear the haft +off it." "Oh, pshaw," he growled, "I don't want no knives; +there's nothing in knives--" + +Well I _knew_ he didn't want knives, see? I _knew_ it. +But the way I opened up the sample case it showed up, +just by accident so to speak, a box of those new electric +burners--adjustable, you know--they'll take heat off any +size of socket you like and use it for any mortal thing +in the house. I saw old Jones had his eyes on them in a +minute. "What's those things you got there?" he growls, +"those in the box?" "Oh," I said, "that's just a new +line," I said, "the boss wanted me to take along: some +sort of electric rig for heating," I said, "but I don't +think there's anything to it. But here, now, Mr. Jones, +is a spoon I've got on this trip--it's the new Delphide +--you can't tell that, sir, from silver. No, sir," I +says, "I defy any man, money down, to tell that there +Delphide from genuine refined silver, and they're a spoon +that'll last--" + +"Let me see one of those burners," says old man Jones, +breaking in. + +Well, sir, in about two minutes more, I had one of the +burners fixed on to the light socket, and old Jones, with +his coat off, boiling water in a tin cup (out of the +store) and timing it with his watch. + +The next day I pulled into Toledo and went and joined +the other boys up to the Jefferson House. "Well," they +says, "have you got that plaster on?" and started in to +give me the ha! ha! again. "Oh, I don't know," I says. +"I guess _this_ is some plaster, isn't it?" and I took +out of my pocket an order from old man Jones for two +thousand adjustable burners, at four-twenty with two off. +"Some plaster, eh?" I says. + +Well, sir, the boys looked sick. + +Old man Jones gets all his stuff from our house now. Oh, +he ain't bad at all when you get to know him. + + + +(II) + +The well-known story told by the man who has once had a +strange psychic experience. + +...What you say about presentiments reminds me of a strange +experience that I had myself. + +I was sitting by myself one night very late, reading. I +don't remember just what it was that I was reading. I +think it was--or no, I don't remember _what_ it was. +Well, anyway, I was sitting up late reading quietly till +it got pretty late on in the night. I don't remember +just how late it was--half-past two, I think, or perhaps +three--or, no, I don't remember. But, anyway, I was +sitting up by myself very late reading. As I say, it was +late, and, after all the noises in the street had stopped, +the house somehow seemed to get awfully still and quiet. +Well, all of a sudden I became aware of a sort of strange +feeling--I hardly know how to describe it--I seemed to +become aware of something, as if something were near me. +I put down my book and looked around, but could see +nothing. I started to read again, but I hadn't read more +than a page, or say a page and a half--or no, not more +than a page, when again all of a sudden I felt an +overwhelming sense of--something. I can't explain just +what the feeling was, but a queer sense as if there was +something somewhere. + +Well, I'm not of a timorous disposition naturally--at +least I don't think I am--but absolutely I felt as if I +couldn't stay in the room. I got up out of my chair and +walked down the stairs, in the dark, to the dining-room. +I felt all the way as if some one were following me. Do +you know, I was absolutely trembling when I got into the +dining-room and got the lights turned on. I walked over +to the sideboard and poured myself out a drink of whisky +and soda. As you know, I never take anything as a rule +--or, at any rate, only when I am sitting round talking +as we are now--but I always like to keep a decanter of +whisky in the house, and a little soda, in case of my +wife or one of the children being taken ill in the night. + +Well, I took a drink and then I said to myself, I said, +"See here, I'm going to see this thing through." So I +turned back and walked straight upstairs again to my +room. I fully expected something queer was going to happen +and was prepared for it. But do you know when I walked +into the room again the feeling, or presentiment, or +whatever it was I had had, was absolutely gone. There +was my book lying just where I had left it and the reading +lamp still burning on the table, just as it had been, +and my chair just where I had pushed it back. But I felt +nothing, absolutely nothing. I sat and waited awhile, +but I still felt _nothing_. + +I went downstairs again to put out the lights in the +dining-room. I noticed as I passed the sideboard that +I was still shaking a little. So I took a small drink of +whisky--though as a rule I never care to take more than +one drink--unless when I am sitting talking as we are +here. + +Well, I had hardly taken it when I felt an odd sort of +psychic feeling--a sort of drowsiness. I remember, in a +dim way, going to bed, and then I remember nothing till +I woke up next morning. + +And here's the strange part of it. I had hardly got down +to the office after breakfast when I got a wire to tell +me that my mother-in-law had broken her arm in Cincinnati. +Strange, wasn't it? No, _not_ at half-past two during +that night--that's the inexplicable part of it. She had +broken it at half-past eleven the morning before. But +you notice it was _half-past_ in each case. That's the +queer way these things go. + +Of course, I don't pretend to _explain it_. I suppose it +simply means that I am telepathic--that's all. I imagine +that, if I wanted to, I could talk with the dead and all +that kind of thing. But I feel somehow that I don't want +to. + +Eh? Thank you, I will--though I seldom take more than-- +thanks, thanks, that's plenty of soda in it. + + + + +(III) + +The familiar narrative in which the Successful Business +Man recounts the early struggles by which he made good. + +...No, sir, I had no early advantages whatever. I was brought +up plain and hard--try one of these cigars; they cost me +fifty cents each. In fact, I practically had no schooling +at all. When I left school I didn't know how to read, +not to read good. It's only since I've been in business +that I've learned to write English, that is so as to use +it right. But I'll guarantee to say there isn't a man in +the shoe business to-day can write a better letter than +I can. But all that I know is what I've learned myself. +Why, I can't do fractions even now. I don't see that a +man need. And I never learned no geography, except what +I got for myself off railroad folders. I don't believe +a man _needs_ more than that anyway. I've got my boy at +Harvard now. His mother was set on it. But I don't see +that he learns anything, or nothing that will help him +any in business. They say they learn them character and +manners in the colleges, but, as I see it, a man can get +all that just as well in business--is that wine all right? +If not, tell me and I'll give the head waiter hell; they +charge enough for it; what you're drinking costs me +four-fifty a bottle. + +But I was starting to tell you about my early start in +business. I had it good and hard all right. Why when I +struck New York--I was sixteen then--I had just eighty +cents to my name. I lived on it for nearly a week while +I was walking round hunting for a job. I used to get soup +for three cents, and roast beef with potatoes, all you +could eat, for eight cents, that tasted better than anything +I can ever get in this damn club. It was down somewhere +on Sixth Avenue, but I've forgotten the way to it. + +Well, about the sixth day I got a job, down in a shoe +factory, working on a machine. I guess you've never seen +shoe-machinery, have you? No, you wouldn't likely. It's +complicated. Even in those days there were thirty-five +machines went to the making of a shoe, and now we use as +many as fifty-four. I'd never seen the machines before, +but the foreman took me on. "You look strong," he said +"I'll give you a try anyway." + +So I started in. I didn't know anything. But I made good +from the first day. I got four a week at the start, and +after two months I got a raise to four-twenty-five. + +Well, after I'd worked there about three months, I went +up to the floor manager of the flat I worked on, and I +said, "Say, Mr. Jones, do you want to save ten dollars +a week on expenses?" "How?" says he. "Why," I said, "that +foreman I'm working under on the machine, I've watched +him, and I can do his job; dismiss him and I'll take over +his work at half what you pay him." "Can you do the work?" +he says. "Try me out," I said. "Fire him and give me a +chance." "Well," he said, "I like your spirit anyway; +you've got the right sort of stuff in you." + +So he fired the foreman and I took over the job and held +it down. It was hard at first, but I worked twelve hours +a day, and studied up a book on factory machinery at +night. Well, after I'd been on that work for about a +year, I went in one day to the general manager downstairs, +and I said, "Mr. Thompson, do you want to save about a +hundred dollars a month on your overhead costs?" "How +can I do that?" says he. "Sit down." "Why," I said, "you +dismiss Mr. Jones and give me his place as manager of +the floor, and I'll undertake to do his work, and mine +with it, at a hundred less than you're paying now." He +turned and went into the inner office, and I could hear +him talking to Mr. Evans, the managing director. "The +young fellow certainly has character," I heard him say. +Then he came out and he said, "Well, we're going to give +you a try anyway: we like to help out our employes all +we can, you know; and you've got the sort of stuff in +you that we're looking for." + +So they dismissed Jones next day and I took over his job +and did it easy. It was nothing anyway. The higher up +you get in business, the easier it is if you know how. +I held that job two years, and I saved all my salary +except twenty-five dollars a month, and I lived on that. +I never spent any money anyway. I went once to see Irving +do this Macbeth for twenty-five cents, and once I went +to a concert and saw a man play the violin for fifteen +cents in the gallery. But I don't believe you get much +out of the theatre anyway; as I see it, there's nothing +to it. + +Well, after a while I went one day to Mr. Evans's office +and I said, "Mr. Evans, I want you to dismiss Mr. Thompson, +the general manager." "Why, what's he done?" he says. +"Nothing," I said, "but I can take over his job on top +of mine and you can pay me the salary you give him and +save what you're paying me now." "Sounds good to me," he +says. + +So they let Thompson go and I took his place. That, of +course, is where I got my real start, because, you see, +I could control the output and run the costs up and down +just where I liked. I suppose you don't know anything +about costs and all that--they don't teach that sort of +thing in colleges--but even you would understand something +about dividends and would see that an energetic man with +lots of character and business in him, If he's general +manager can just do what he likes with the costs, especially +the overhead, and the shareholders have just got to take +what he gives them and be glad to. You see they can't +fire him--not when he's got it all in his own hands--for +fear it will all go to pieces. + +Why would I want to run it that way for? Well, I'll tell +you. I had a notion by that time that the business was +getting so big that Mr. Evans, the managing director, +and most of the board had pretty well lost track of the +details and didn't understand it. There's an awful lot, +you know, in the shoe business. It's not like ordinary +things. It's complicated. And so I'd got an idea that I +would shove them clean out of it--or most of them. + +So I went one night to see the president, old Guggenbaum, +up at his residence. He didn't only have this business, +but he was in a lot of other things as well, and he was +a mighty hard man to see. He wouldn't let any man see +him unless he knew first what he was going to say. But +I went up to his residence at night, and I saw him there. +I talked first with his daughter, and I said I just had +to see him. I said it so she didn't dare refuse. There's +a way in talking to women that they won't say no. + +So I showed Mr. Guggenbaum what I could do with the stock. +"I can put that dividend," I says, "clean down to zero--and +they'll none of them know why. You can buy the lot of +them out at your own price, and after that I'll put the +dividend back to fifteen, or twenty, in two years." + +"And where do _you_ come in?" says the old man, with a +sort of hard look. He had a fine business head, the old +man, at least in those days. + +So I explained to him where I came in. "All right," he +said. "Go ahead. But I'll put nothing in writing." "Mr. +Guggenbaum, you don't need to," I said. "You're as fair +and square as I am and that's enough for me." + +His daughter let me out of the house door when I went. +I guess she'd been pretty scared that she'd done wrong +about letting me in. But I said to her it was all right, +and after that when I wanted to see the old man I'd always +ask for her and she'd see that I got in all right. + +Got them squeezed out? Oh, yes, easy. There wasn't any +trouble about that. You see the old man worked up a sort +of jolt in wholesale leather on one side, and I fixed up +a strike of the hands on the other. We passed the dividend +two quarters running, and within a year we had them all +scared out and the bulk of the little shareholders, of +course, trooped out after them. They always do. The old +man picked up the stock when they dropped it, and one-half +of it he handed over to me. + +That's what put me where I am now, do you see, with the +whole control of the industry in two states and more than +that now, because we have the Amalgamated Tanneries in +with us, so it's practically all one concern. + +Guggenbaum? Did I squeeze him out? No, I didn't because, +you see, I didn't have to. The way it was--well, I tell +you--I used to go up to the house, see, to arrange things +with him--and the way it was--why, you see, I married +his daughter, see, so I didn't exactly _need_ to squeeze +him out. He lives up with us now, but he's pretty old +and past business. In fact, I do it all for him now, and +pretty well everything he has is signed over to my wife. +She has no head for it, and she's sort of timid anyway +--always was--so I manage it all. Of course, if anything +happens to the old man, then we get it all. I don't think +he'll last long. I notice him each day, how weak he's +getting. + +My son in the business? Well, I'd like him to be. But he +don't seem to take to it somehow--I'm afraid he takes +more after his mother; or else it's the college that's +doing it. Somehow, I don't think the colleges bring out +business character, do you? + + + + +X. A Study in Still Life--My Tailor + +He always stands there--and has stood these thirty +years--in the back part of his shop, his tape woven about +his neck, a smile of welcome on his face, waiting to +greet me. + +"Something in a serge," he says, "or perhaps in a tweed?" + +There are only these two choices open to us. We have had +no others for thirty years. It is too late to alter now. + +"A serge, yes," continues my tailor, "something in a dark +blue, perhaps." He says it with all the gusto of a new +idea, as if the thought of dark blue had sprung up as an +inspiration. "Mr. Jennings" (this is his assistant), +"kindly take down some of those dark blues. + +"Ah," he exclaims, "now here is an excellent thing." His +manner as he says this is such as to suggest that by +sheer good fortune and blind chance he has stumbled upon +a thing among a million. + +He lifts one knee and drapes the cloth over it, standing +upon one leg. He knows that in this attitude it is hard +to resist him. Cloth to be appreciated as cloth must be +viewed over the bended knee of a tailor with one leg in +the air. + +My tailor can stand in this way indefinitely, on one leg +in a sort of ecstasy, a kind of local paralysis. + +"Would that make up well?" I ask him. + +"Admirably," he answers. + +I have no real reason to doubt it. I have never seen any +reason why cloth should not make up well. But I always +ask the question as I know that he expects it and it +pleases him. There ought to be a fair give and take in +such things. + +"You don't think it at all loud?" I say. He always likes +to be asked this. + +"Oh, no, very quiet indeed. In fact we always recommend +serge as extremely quiet." + +I have never had a wild suit in my life. But it is well +to ask. + +Then he measures me--round the chest, nowhere else. All +the other measures were taken years ago. Even the chest +measure is only done--and I know it--to please me. I do +not really grow. + +"A _little_ fuller in the chest," my tailor muses. Then +he turns to his assistant. "Mr. Jennings, a little fuller +in the chest--half an inch on to the chest, please." + +It is a kind fiction. Growth around the chest is flattering +even to the humblest of us. + +"Yes," my tailor goes on--he uses "yes" without any +special meaning--"and shall we say a week from Tuesday? +Mr. Jennings, a week from Tuesday, please." + +"And will you please," I say, "send the bill to--?" but +my tailor waves this aside. He does not care to talk +about the bill. It would only give pain to both of us +to speak of it. + +The bill is a matter we deal with solely by correspondence, +and that only in a decorous and refined style never +calculated to hurt. + +I am sure from the tone of my tailor's letters that he +would never send the bill, or ask for the amount, were +it not that from time to time he is himself, unfortunately, +"pressed" owing to "large consignments from Europe." But +for these heavy consignments, I am sure I should never +need to pay him. It is true that I have sometimes thought +to observe that these consignments are apt to arrive when +I pass the limit of owing for two suits and order a third. +But this can only be a mere coincidence. + +Yet the bill, as I say, is a thing that we never speak +of. Instead of it my tailor passes to the weather. Ordinary +people always begin with this topic. Tailors, I notice, +end with it. It is only broached after the suit is ordered, +never before. + +"Pleasant weather we are having," he says. It is never +other, so I notice, with him. Perhaps the order of a suit +itself is a little beam of sunshine. + +Then we move together towards the front of the store on +the way to the outer door. + +"Nothing to-day, I suppose," says my tailor, "in shirtings?" + +"No, thank you." + +This is again a mere form. In thirty years I have never +bought any shirtings from him. Yet he asks the question +with the same winsomeness as he did thirty years ago. + +"And nothing, I suppose, in collaring or in hosiery?" + +This is again futile. Collars I buy elsewhere and hosiery +I have never worn. + +Thus we walk to the door, in friendly colloquy. Somehow +if he failed to speak of shirtings and hosiery, I should +feel as if a familiar cord had broken; + +At the door we part. + +"Good afternoon," he says. "A week from Tuesday--yes +--good afternoon." + +Such is--or was--our calm unsullied intercourse, unvaried +or at least broken only by consignments from Europe. + +I say it _was_, that is until just the other day. + +And then, coming to the familiar door, for my customary +summer suit, I found that he was there no more. There +were people in the store, unloading shelves and piling +cloth and taking stock. And they told me that he was +dead. It came to me with a strange shock. I had not +thought it possible. He seemed--he should have been +--immortal. + +They said the worry of his business had helped to kill +him. I could not have believed it. It always seemed so +still and tranquil--weaving his tape about his neck and +marking measures and holding cloth against his leg beside +the sunlight of the window in the back part of the shop. +Can a man die of that? Yet he had been "going behind," +they said (however that is done), for years. His wife, +they told me, would be left badly off. I had never +conceived him as having a wife. But it seemed that he +had, and a daughter, too, at a conservatory of music +--yet he never spoke of her--and that he himself was +musical and played the flute, and was the sidesman of a +church--yet he never referred to it to me. In fact, in +thirty years we never spoke of religion. It was hard to +connect him with the idea of it. + +As I went out I seemed to hear his voice still saying, +"And nothing to-day in shirtings?" + +I was sorry I had never bought any. + +There is, I am certain, a deep moral in this. But I will +not try to draw it. It might appear too obvious. + + + + +Peace, War, and Politics + + + + +XI. Germany from Within Out + +The adventure which I here narrate resulted out of a +strange psychological experience of a kind that (outside +of Germany) would pass the bounds of comprehension. + +To begin with, I had fallen asleep. + +Of the reason for my falling asleep I have no doubt. I +had remained awake nearly the whole of the preceding +night, absorbed in the perusal of a number of recent +magazine articles and books dealing with Germany as seen +from within. I had read from cover to cover that charming +book, just written by Lady de Washaway, under the title +_Ten Years as a Toady, or The Per-Hapsburgs as I Didn't +Know Them_. Her account of the life of the Imperial Family +of Austria, simple, unaffected, home-like; her picture +of the good old Emperor, dining quietly off a cold potato +and sitting after dinner playing softly to himself on +the flute, while his attendants gently withdrew one by +one from his presence; her description of merry, boisterous, +large-hearted Prince Stefan Karl, who kept the whole +court in a perpetual roar all the time by asking such +riddles as "When is a sailor not a sailor?" (the answer +being, of course, when he is a German Prince)--in fact, +the whole book had thrilled me to the verge of spiritual +exhaustion. + +From Lady de Washaway's work I turned to peruse Hugo von +Halbwitz's admirable book, _Easy Marks, or How the German +Government Borrows its Funds_; and after that I had read +Karl von Wiggleround's _Despatches_ and Barnstuff's +_Confidential Letters to Criminals_. + +As a consequence I fell asleep as if poisoned. + +But the amazing thing is that, whenever it was or was +not that I fell asleep, I woke up to find myself in +Germany. + +I cannot offer any explanation as to how this came about. +I merely state the fact. + +There I was, seated on the grassy bank of a country road. + +I knew it was Germany at once. There was no mistaking +it. The whole landscape had an orderliness, a method +about it that is, alas, never seen in British countries. +The trees stood in neat lines, with the name of each +nailed to it on a board. The birds sat in regular rows, +four to a branch, and sang in harmony, very simply, but +with the true German feeling. + +There were two peasants working beside the road. One was +picking up fallen leaves, and putting them into neat +packets of fifty. The other was cutting off the tops of +the late thistles that still stood unwithered in the +chill winter air, and arranging them according to size +and colour. In Germany nothing is lost; nothing is wasted. +It is perhaps not generally known that from the top of +the thistle the Germans obtain picrate of ammonia, the +most deadly explosive known to modern chemistry, while +from the bulb below, butter, crude rubber and sweet cider +are extracted in large quantities. + +The two peasants paused in their work a moment as they +saw me glance towards them, and each, with the simple +gentility of the German working man, quietly stood on +his head until I had finished looking at him. + +I felt quite certain, of course, that it must only be a +matter of a short time before I would inevitably be +arrested. + +I felt doubly certain of it when I saw a motor speeding +towards me with a stout man, in military uniform and a +Prussian helmet, seated behind the chauffeur. + +The motor stopped, but to my surprise the military man, +whom I perceived to be wearing the uniform of a general, +jumped out and advanced towards me with a genial cry of: + +"Well, Herr Professor!" + +I looked at him again. + +"Why, Fritz!" I cried. + +"You recognize me?" he said. + +"Certainly," I answered, "you used to be one of the six +German waiters at McCluskey's restaurant in Toronto." + +The General laughed. + +"You really took us for waiters!" he said. "Well, well. +My dear professor! How odd! We were all generals in the +German army. My own name is not Fritz Schmidt, as you +knew it, but Count von Boobenstein. The Boobs of +Boobenstein," he added proudly, "are connected with the +Hohenzollerns. When I am commanded to dine with the +Emperor, I have the hereditary right to eat anything that +he leaves." + +"But I don't understand!" I said. "Why were you in +Toronto?" + +"Perfectly simple. Special military service. We were +there to make a report. Each day we kept a record of the +velocity and direction of the wind, the humidity of the +air, the distance across King Street and the height of +the C.P.R. Building. All this we wired to Germany every +day." + +"For what purpose?" I asked. + +"Pardon me!" said the General, and then, turning the +subject with exquisite tact: "Do you remember Max?" he +said. + +"Do you mean the tall melancholy looking waiter, who used +to eat the spare oysters and drink up what was left in +the glasses, behind the screen?" + +"Ha!" exclaimed my friend. "But _why_ did he drink them? +_Why?_ Do you know that that man--his real name is not +Max but Ernst Niedelfein--is one of the greatest chemists +in Germany? Do you realise that he was making a report +to our War Office on the percentage of alcohol obtainable +in Toronto after closing time?" + +"And Karl?" I asked. + +"Karl was a topographist in the service of his High +Serenity the King Regnant of Bavaria"--here my friend +saluted himself with both hands and blinked his eyes four +times--"He made maps of all the breweries of Canada. We +know now to a bottle how many German soldiers could be +used in invading Canada without danger of death from +drought." + +"How many was it?" I asked. + +Boobenstein shook his head. + +"Very disappointing," he said. "In fact your country is +not yet ripe for German occupation. Our experts say that +the invasion of Canada is an impossibility unless we use +Milwaukee as a base--But step into my motor," said the +Count, interrupting himself, "and come along with me. +Stop, you are cold. This morning air is very keen. Take +this," he added, picking off the fur cap from the +chauffeur's head. "It will be better than that hat you +are wearing--or, here, wait a moment--" + +As he spoke, the Count unwound a woollen muffler from +the chauffeur's neck, and placed it round mine. + +"Now then," he added, "this sheepskin coat--" + +"My dear Count," I protested. + +"Not a bit, not a bit," he cried, as he pulled off the +chauffeur's coat and shoved me into it. His face beamed +with true German generosity. + +"Now," he said as we settled back into the motor and +started along the road, "I am entirely at your service. +Try one of these cigars! Got it alight? Right! You notice, +no doubt, the exquisite flavour. It is a _Tannhauser_. +Our chemists are making these cigars now out of the refuse +of the tanneries and glue factories." + +I sighed involuntarily. Imagine trying to "blockade" a +people who could make cigars out of refuse; imagine trying +to get near them at all! + +"Strong, aren't they?" said von Boobenstein, blowing a +big puff of smoke. "In fact, it is these cigars that have +given rise to the legend (a pure fiction, I need hardly +say) that our armies are using asphyxiating gas. The +truth is they are merely smoking German-made tobacco in +their trenches." + +"But come now," he continued, "your meeting me is most +fortunate. Let me explain. I am at present on the +Intelligence Branch of the General Staff. My particular +employment is dealing with foreign visitors--the branch +of our service called, for short, the Eingewanderte +Fremden Verfullungs Bureau. How would you call that?" + +"It sounds," I said, "like the Bureau for Stuffing Up +Incidental Foreigners." + +"Precisely," said the Count, "though your language lacks +the music of ours. It is my business to escort visitors +round Germany and help them with their despatches. I took +the Ford party through--in a closed cattle-car, with the +lights out. They were greatly impressed. They said that, +though they saw nothing, they got an excellent idea of +the atmosphere of Germany. It was I who introduced Lady +de Washaway to the Court of Franz Joseph. I write the +despatches from Karl von Wiggleround, and send the +necessary material to Ambassador von Barnstuff. In fact +I can take you everywhere, show you everything, and" +--here my companion's military manner suddenly seemed +to change into something obsequiously and strangely +familiar--"it won't cost you a cent; not a cent, unless +you care--" + +I understood. + +I handed him ten cents. + +"Thank you, sir," he said. Then with an abrupt change +back to his military manner, "Now, then, what would you +like to see? The army? The breweries? The Royal court? +Berlin? What shall it be? My time is limited, but I shall +be delighted to put myself at your service for the rest +of the day." + +"I think," I said, "I should like more than anything to +see Berlin, if it is possible." + +"Possible?" answered my companion. "Nothing easier." + +The motor flew ahead and in a few moments later we were +making our arrangements with a local station-master for +a special train to Berlin. + +I got here my first glimpse of the wonderful perfection +of the German railway system. + +"I am afraid," said the station-master, with deep apologies, +"that I must ask you to wait half an hour. I am moving +a quarter of a million troops from the east to the west +front, and this always holds up the traffic for fifteen +or twenty minutes." + +I stood on the platform watching the troops trains go by +and admiring the marvellous ingenuity of the German +system. + +As each train went past at full speed, a postal train +(Feld-Post-Eisenbahn-Zug) moved on the other track in +the opposite direction, from which a shower of letters +were thrown in to the soldiers through the window. +Immediately after the postal train, a soup train (Soup-Zug) +was drawn along, from the windows of which soup was +squirted out of a hose. + +Following this there came at full speed a beer train +(Bier-Zug) from which beer bombs were exploded in all +directions. + +I watched till all had passed. + +"Now," said the station-master, "your train is ready. +Here you are." + +Away we sped through the meadows and fields, hills and +valleys, forests and plains. + +And nowhere--I am forced, like all other travellers, to +admit it--did we see any signs of the existence of war. +Everything was quiet, orderly, usual. We saw peasants +digging--in an orderly way--for acorns in the frozen +ground. We saw little groups of soldiers drilling in the +open squares of villages--in their quiet German fashion +--each man chained by the leg to the man next to him; +here and there great Zeppelins sailed overhead dropping +bombs, for practice, on the less important towns; at +times in the village squares we saw clusters of haggard +women (quite quiet and orderly) waving little red flags +and calling: "Bread, bread!" + +But nowhere any signs of war. Certainly not. + +We reached Berlin just at nightfall. I had expected to +find it changed. To my surprise it appeared just as usual. +The streets were brilliantly lighted. Music burst in +waves from the restaurants. From the theatre signs I +saw, to my surprise, that they were playing _Hamlet_, +_East Lynne_ and _Potash and Perlmutter_. Everywhere +was brightness, gaiety and light-heartedness. + +Here and there a merry-looking fellow, with a brush and +a pail of paste and a roll of papers over his arm, would +swab up a casualty list of two or three thousand names, +amid roars of good-natured laughter. + +What perplexed me most was the sight of thousands of men, +not in uniform, but in ordinary civilian dress. + +"Boobenstein," I said, as we walked down the Linden +Avenue, "I don't understand it." + +"The men?" he answered. "It's a perfectly simple matter. +I see you don't understand our army statistics. At the +beginning of the war we had an army of three million. +Very good. Of these, one million were in the reserve. We +called them to the colours, that made four million. Then +of these all who wished were allowed to volunteer for +special services. Half a million did so. That made four +and a half million. In the first year of the war we +suffered two million casualties, but of these seventy-five +per cent, or one and a half million, returned later on +to the colours, bringing our grand total up to six million. +This six million we use on each of six fronts, giving a +grand total of thirty six million. + +"I see," I said. "In fact, I have seen these figures +before. In other words, your men are inexhaustible." + +"Precisely," said the Count, "and mark you, behind these +we still have the Landsturm, made up of men between +fifty-five and sixty, and the Landslide, reputed to be +the most terrible of all the German levies, made up by +withdrawing the men from the breweries. That is the last +final act of national fury. But come," he said, "you must +be hungry. Is it not so?" + +"I am," I admitted, "but I had hesitated to acknowledge +it. I feared that the food supply--" + +Boobenstein broke into hearty laughter. + +"Food supply!" he roared. "My dear fellow, you must have +been reading the English newspapers! Food supply! My dear +professor! Have you not heard? We have got over that +difficulty entirely and for ever. But come, here is a +restaurant. In with you and eat to your heart's content." + +We entered the restaurant. It was filled to overflowing +with a laughing crowd of diners and merry-makers. Thick +clouds of blue cigar smoke filled the air. Waiters ran +to and fro with tall steins of foaming beer, and great +bundles of bread tickets, soup tickets, meat cards and +butter coupons. + +These were handed around to the guests, who sat quietly +chewing the corners of them as they sipped their beer. + +"Now-then," said my host, looking over the printed menu +in front of him, "what shall it be? What do you say to +a ham certificate with a cabbage ticket on the side? Or +how would you like lobster-coupon with a receipt for +asparagus?" + +"Yes," I answered, "or perhaps, as our journey has made +me hungry, one of these beef certificates with an affidavit +for Yorkshire pudding." + +"Done!" said Boobenstein. + +A few moments later we were comfortably drinking our tall +glasses of beer and smoking _Tannhauser_ cigars, with an +appetising pile of coloured tickets and certificates in +front of us. + +"Admit," said von Boobenstein good-naturedly, "that we +have overcome the food difficulty for ever." + +"You have," I said. + +"It was a pure matter of science and efficiency," he went +on. "It has long been observed that if one sat down in +a restaurant and drank beer and smoked cigars (especially +such a brand as these _Tannhausers_) during the time it +took for the food to be brought (by a German waiter), +all appetite was gone. It remained for the German scientists +to organise this into system. Have you finished? Or +would you like to take another look at your beef +certificate?" + +We rose. Von Boobenstein paid the bill by writing I.O.U. +on the back of one of the cards--not forgetting the +waiter, for whom he wrote on a piece of paper, "God bless +you"--and we left. + +"Count," I said, as we took our seat on a bench in the +Sieges-Allee, or Alley of Victory, and listened to the +music of the military band, and watched the crowd, "I +begin to see that Germany is unconquerable." + +"Absolutely so," he answered. + +"In the first place, your men are inexhaustible. If we +kill one class you call out another; and anyway one-half +of those we kill get well again, and the net result is +that you have more than ever." + +"Precisely," said the Count. + +"As to food," I continued, "you are absolutely invulnerable. +What with acorns, thistles, tanbark, glue, tickets, +coupons, and certificates, you can go on for ever." + +"We can," he said. + +"Then for money you use I.O.U.'s. Anybody with a lead +pencil can command all the funds he wants. Moreover, your +soldiers at the front are getting dug in deeper and +deeper: last spring they were fifty feet under ground: +by 1918 they will be nearly 200 feet down. Short of mining +for them, we shall never get them out." + +"Never," said von Boobenstein with great firmness. + +"But there is one thing that I don't quite understand. +Your navy, your ships. There, surely, we have you: sooner +or later that whole proud fleet in the Kiel Canal will +come out under fire of our guns and be sunk to the bottom +of the sea. There, at least, we conquer." + +Von Boobenstein broke into loud laughter. + +"The fleet!" he roared, and his voice was almost hysterical +and overstrung, as if high living on lobster-coupons and +over-smoking of _Tannhausers_ was undermining his nerves. +"The fleet! Is it possible you do not know? Why all +Germany knows it. Capture our fleet! Ha! Ha! It now lies +fifty miles inland. _We have filled in the canal_--pushed +in the banks. The canal is solid land again, and the +fleet is high and dry. The ships are boarded over and +painted to look like German inns and breweries. Prinz +Adelbert is disguised as a brewer, Admiral von Tirpitz +is made up as a head waiter, Prince Heinrich is a bar +tender, the sailors are dressed up as chambermaids. And +some day when Jellicoe and his men are coaxed ashore, +they will drop in to drink a glass of beer, and then--pouf! +we will explode them all with a single torpedo! Such is +the naval strategy of our scientists! Are we not a nation +of sailors?" + +Von Boobenstein's manner had grown still wilder and more +hysterical. There was a queer glitter in his eyes. + +I thought it better to soothe him. + +"I see," I said, "the Allies are beaten. One might as +well spin a coin for heads or tails to see whether we +abandon England now or wait till you come and take it." + +As I spoke, I took from my pocket an English sovereign +that I carry as a lucky-piece, and prepared to spin it +in the air. + +Von Boobenstein, as he saw it, broke into a sort of hoarse +shriek. + +"Gold! gold!" he cried. "Give it to me!" + +"What?" I exclaimed. + +"A piece of gold," he panted. "Give it to me, give it to +me, quick. I know a place where we can buy bread with it. +Real bread--not tickets--food--give me the gold--gold--for +bread--we can get-bread. I am starving--gold--bread." + +And as he spoke his hoarse voice seemed to grow louder +and louder in my ears; the sounds of the street were +hushed; a sudden darkness fell; and a wind swept among +the trees of the _Alley of Victory_--moaning--and a +thousand, a myriad voices seemed to my ear to take up +the cry: + +"Gold! Bread! We are starving." + +Then I woke up. + + + + +XII. Abdul Aziz has His: + An Adventure in the Yildiz Kiosk + +"Come, come, Abdul," I said, putting my hand, not unkindly, +on his shoulder, "tell me all about it." + +But he only broke out into renewed sobbing. + +"There, there," I continued soothingly. "Don't cry, Abdul. +Look! Here's a lovely narghileh for you to smoke, with +a gold mouthpiece. See! Wouldn't you like a little latakia, +eh? And here's a little toy Armenian--look! See his head +come off--snick! There, it's on again, snick! now it's +off! look, Abdul!" + +But still he sobbed. + +His fez had fallen over his ears and his face was all +smudged with tears. + +It seemed impossible to stop him. + +I looked about in vain from the little alcove of the hall +of the Yildiz Kiosk where we were sitting on a Persian +bench under a lemon-tree. There was no one in sight. I +hardly knew what to do. + +In the Yildiz Kiosk--I think that was the name of the +place--I scarcely as yet knew my way about. In fact, I +had only been in it a few hours. I had come there--as I +should have explained in commencing--in order to try to +pick up information as to the exact condition of things +in Turkey. For this purpose I had assumed the character +and disguise of an English governess. I had long since +remarked that an English governess is able to go anywhere, +see everything, penetrate the interior of any royal palace +and move to and fro as she pleases without hindrance and +without insult. No barrier can stop her. Every royal +court, however splendid or however exclusive, is glad to +get her. She dines with the King or the Emperor as a +matter of course. All state secrets are freely confided +to her and all military plans are submitted to her +judgment. Then, after a few weeks' residence, she leaves +the court and writes a book of disclosures. + +This was now my plan. + +And, up to the moment of which I speak, it had worked +perfectly. + +I had found my way through Turkey to the royal capital +without difficulty. The poke bonnet, the spectacles and +the long black dress which I had assumed had proved an +ample protection. None of the rude Turkish soldiers +among whom I had passed had offered to lay a hand on me. +This tribute I am compelled to pay to the splendid morality +of the Turks. They wouldn't touch me. + +Access to the Yildiz Kiosk and to the Sultan had proved +equally easy. I had merely to obtain an interview with +Codfish Pasha, the Secretary of War, whom I found a +charming man of great intelligence, a master of three or +four languages (as he himself informed me), and able to +count up to seventeen. + +"You wish," he said, "to be appointed as English, or +rather Canadian governess to the Sultan?" + +"Yes," I answered. + +"And your object?" + +"I propose to write a book of disclosures." + +"Excellent," said Codfish. + +An hour later I found myself, as I have said, in a +flag-stoned hall of the Yildiz Kiosk, with the task of +amusing and entertaining the Sultan. + +Of the difficulty of this task I had formed no conception. +Here I was at the outset, with the unhappy Abdul bent +and broken with sobs which I found no power to check or +control. + +Naturally, therefore, I found myself at a loss. The little +man as he sat on his cushions, in his queer costume and +his long slippers with his fez fallen over his +lemon-coloured face, presented such a pathetic object +that I could not find the heart to be stern with him. + +"Come, now, Abdul," I said, "be good!" + +He paused a moment in his crying-- + +"Why do you call me Abdul?" he asked. "That isn't my +name." + +"Isn't it?" I said. "I thought all you Sultans were called +Abdul. Isn't the Sultan's name always Abdul?" + +"Mine isn't," he whimpered, "but it doesn't matter," and +his face began to crinkle up with renewed weeping. "Call +me anything you like. It doesn't matter. Anyway I'd rather +be called Abdul than be called a W-W-War Lord and a +G-G-General when they won't let me have any say at all--" + +And with that the little Sultan burst into unrestrained +crying. + +"Abdul," I said firmly, "if you don't stop crying, I'll +go and fetch one of the Bashi-Bazouks to take you away." + +The little Sultan found his voice again. + +"There aren't any Bub-Bub-Bashi-Bazouks left," he sobbed. + +"None left?" I exclaimed. "Where are they gone?" + +"They've t-t-taken them all aw-w-way--" + +"Who have?" + +"The G-G-G-Germans," sobbed Abdul. "And they've sent them +all to P-P-P-Poland." + +"Come, come, Abdul," I said, straightening him up a little +as he sat. "Brace up! Be a Turk! Be a Mohammedan! Don't +act like a Christian." + +This seemed to touch his pride. He made a great effort +to be calm. I could hear him muttering to himself, "Allah, +Illallah, Mohammed rasoul Allah!" He said this over a +good many times, while I took advantage of the pause to +get his fez a little straighter and wipe his face. + +"How many times have I said it?" he asked presently. + +"Twenty." + +"Twenty? That ought to be enough, shouldn't it?" said +the Sultan, regaining himself a little. "Isn't prayer +helpful, eh? Give me a smoke?" + +I filled his narghileh for him, and he began to suck blue +smoke out of it with a certain contentment, while the +rose water bubbled in the bowl below. + +"Now, Abdul," I said, as I straightened up his cushions +and made him a little more comfortable, "what is it? What +is the matter?" + +"Why," he answered, "they've all g-g-gone--" + +"Now, don't cry! Tell me properly." + +"They've all gone b-b-back on me! Boo-hoo!" + +"Who have? Who've gone back on you?" + +"Why, everybody. The English and the French and everybody--" + +"What _do_ you mean?" I asked with increasing interest. +"Tell me exactly what you mean. Whatever you say I will +hold sacred, of course." + +I saw my part already to a volume of interesting +disclosures. + +"They used to treat me so differently," Abdul went on, +and his sobbing ceased as he continued, "They used to +call me the Bully Boy of the Bosphorus. They said I was +the Guardian of the Golden Gate. They used to let me kill +all the Armenians I liked and nobody was allowed to +collect debts from me, and every now and then they used +to send me the nicest ultimatums--Oh, you don't know," +he broke off, "how nice it used to be here in the Yildiz +in the old days! We used all to sit round here, in this +very hall, me and the diplomats, and play games, such as +'Ultimatum, ultimatum, who's got the ultimatum.' Oh, say, +it was so nice and peaceful! And we used to have big +dinners and conferences, especially after the military +manoeuvres and the autumn massacres--me and the diplomats, +all with stars and orders, and me in my white fez with +a copper tassel--and hold discussions about how to reform +Macedonia." + +"But you spoilt it all, Abdul," I protested. + +"I didn't, I didn't!" he exclaimed almost angrily. "I'd +have gone on for ever. It was all so nice. They used to +present me--the diplomats did--with what they called +their Minimum, and then we (I mean Codfish Pasha and me) +had to draft in return our Maximum--see?--and then we +all had to get together again and frame a _status quo_." + +"But that couldn't go on for ever," I urged. + +"Why not?" said Abdul. "It was a great system. We invented +it, but everybody was beginning to copy it. In fact, we +were leading the world, before all this trouble came. +Didn't you have anything of our system in your country +--what do you call it--in Canada?" + +"Yes," I admitted. "Now that I come to think of it, we +were getting into it. But the war has changed it all--" + +"Exactly," said Abdul. "There you are! All changed! The +good old days gone for ever!" + +"But surely," I said, "you still have friends--the +Bulgarians." + +The Sultan's little black eyes flashed with anger as he +withdrew his pipe for a moment from his mouth. + +"The low scoundrels!" he said between his teeth. "The +traitors!" + +"Why, they're your Allies!" + +"Yes, Allah destroy them! They are. They've come over to +_our_ side. After centuries of fighting they refuse to +play fair any longer. They're on _our_ side! Who ever +heard of such a thing? Bah! But, of course," he added +more quietly, "we shall massacre them just the same. We +shall insist, in the terms of peace, on retaining our +rights of massacre. But then, no doubt, all the nations +will." + +"But you have the Germans--" I began. + +"Hush, hush," said Abdul, laying his hand on my arm. +"Some one might hear." + +"You have the Germans," I repeated. + +"The Germans," said Abdul, and his voice sounded in a +queer sing-song like that of a child repeating a lesson, +"are my noble friends, the Germans are my powerful allies, +the Kaiser is my good brother, the Reichstag is my +foster-sister. I love the Germans. I hate the English. +I love the Kaiser. The Kaiser loves me--" + +"Stop, stop, Abdul," I said, "who taught you all that?" + +Abdul looked cautiously around. + +"_They_ did," he said in a whisper. "There's a lot more +of it. Would you like me to recite some more? Or, no, +no, what's the good? I've no heart for reciting any +longer." And at this Abdul fell to weeping again. + +"But, Abdul," I said, "I don't understand. Why are you +so distressed just now? All this has been going on for +over two years. Why are you so worried just now?" + +"Oh," exclaimed the little Sultan in surprise, "you +haven't heard! I see--you've only just arrived. Why, +to-day is the last day. After to-day it is all over." + +"Last day for what?" I asked. + +"For intervention. For the intervention of the United +States. The only thing that can save us. It was to have +come to-day, by the end of this full moon--our astrologers +had predicted it--Smith Pasha, Minister under Heaven of +the United States, had promised, if it came, to send it +to us at the earliest moment. How do they send it, do +you know, in a box, or in paper?" + +"Stop," I said as my ear caught the sound of footsteps. +"There's some one coming now." + +The sound of slippered feet was distinctly heard on the +stones in the outer corridor. + +Abdul listened intently a moment. + +"I know his slippers," he said. + +"Who is it?" + +"It is my chief secretary, Toomuch Koffi. Yes, here he +comes." + +As the Sultan spoke, the doors swung open and there +entered an aged Turk, in a flowing gown and coloured +turban, with a melancholy yellow face, and a long white +beard that swept to his girdle. + +"Who do you say he is?" I whispered to Abdul. + +"My chief secretary," he whispered back. "Toomuch Koffi." + +"He looks like it," I murmured. + +Meantime, Toomuch Koffi had advanced across the broad +flagstones of the hall where we were sitting. With hands +lifted he salaamed four times--east, west, north, and +south. + +"What does that mean?" I whispered. + +"It means," said the Sultan, with visible agitation, +"that he has a communication of the greatest importance +and urgency, which will not brook a moment's delay." + +"Well, then, why doesn't he get a move on?" I whispered. + +"Hush," said Abdul. + +Toomuch Koffi now straightened himself from his last +salaam and spoke. + +"Allah is great!" he said. + +"And Mohammed is his prophet," rejoined the Sultan. + +"Allah protect you! And make your face shine," said +Toomuch. + +"Allah lengthen your beard," said the Sultan, and he +added aside to me in English, which Toomuch Koffi evidently +did not understand, "I'm all eagerness to know what it +is--it's something big, for sure." The little man was +quite quivering with excitement as he spoke. "Do you know +what I think it is? I think it must be the American +Intervention. The United States is going to intervene. +Eh? What? Don't you think so?" + +"Then hurry him up," I urged. + +"I can't," said Abdul. "It is impossible in Turkey to do +business like that. He must have some coffee first and +then he must pray and then there must be an interchange +of presents." + +I groaned, for I was getting as impatient as Abdul himself. + +"Do you not do public business like that in Canada?" the +Sultan continued. + +"We used to. But we have got over it," I said. + +Meanwhile a slippered attendant had entered and placed +a cushion for the secretary, and in front of it a little +Persian stool on which he put a quaint cup filled with +coffee black as ink. + +A similar cup was placed before the Sultan. + +"Drink!" said Abdul. + +"Not first, until the lips of the Commander of the +Faithful--" + +"He means 'after you,'" I said. "Hurry up, Abdul." + +Abdul took a sip. + +"Allah is good," he said. + +"And all things are of Allah," rejoined Toomuch. + +Abdul unpinned a glittering jewel from his robe and threw +it to the feet of Toomuch. + +"Take this poor bauble," he said. + +Toomuch Koffi in return took from his wrist a solid bangle +of beaten gold. + +"Accept this mean gift from your humble servant," he said. + +"Right!" said Abdul, speaking in a changed voice as the +ceremonies ended. "Now, then, Toomuch, what is it? Hurry +up. Be quick. What is the matter?" + +Toomuch rose to his feet, lifted his hands high in the +air with the palms facing the Sultan. + +"One is without," he said. + +"Without what?" I asked eagerly of the Sultan. + +"Without--outside. Don't you understand Turkish? What +you call in English--a gentleman to see me." + +"And did he make all that fuss and delay over that?" I +asked in disgust. "Why with us in Canada, at one of the +public departments of Ottawa, all that one would have to +do would be simply to send in a card, get it certified, +then simply wait in an anteroom, simply read a newspaper, +send in another card, wait a little, then simply send in +a third card, and then simply--" + +"Pshaw!" said Abdul. "The cards might be poisoned. Our +system is best. Speak on, Toomuch. Who is without? Is it +perchance a messenger from Smith Pasha, Minister under +Heaven of the United States?" + +"Alas, no!" said Toomuch. "It is HE. It is THE LARGE ONE!" + +As he spoke he rolled his eyes upward with a gesture of +despair. + +"HE!" cried Abdul, and a look of terror convulsed his +face. "The Large One! Shut him out! Call the Chief Eunuch +and the Major Domo of the Harem! Let him not in!" + +"Alas," said Toomuch, "he threw them out of the window. +Lo! he is here, he enters." + +As the secretary spoke, a double door at the end of the +hall swung noisily open, at the blow of an imperious +fist, and with a rattle of arms and accoutrements a man +of gigantic stature, wearing full military uniform and +a spiked helmet, strode into the room. + +As he entered, an attendant who accompanied him, also in +a uniform and a spiked helmet, called in a loud strident +voice that resounded to the arches of the hall: + +"His High Excellenz Feld Marechal von der Doppelbauch, +Spezial Representant of His Majestat William II, Deutscher +Kaiser and King of England!" + +Abdul collapsed into a little heap. His fez fell over +his face. Toomuch Koffi had slunk into a corner. + +Von der Doppelbauch strode noisily forward and came to +a stand in front of Abdul with a click and rattle after +the Prussian fashion. + +"Majestat," he said in a deep, thunderous voice, "I greet +you. I bow low before you. Salaam! I kiss the floor at +your feet." + +But in reality he did nothing of the sort. He stood to +the full height of his six feet six and glowered about him. + +"Salaam!" said Abdul, in a feeble voice. + +"But who is this?" added the Field-Marshal, looking +angrily at me. + +My costume, or rather my disguise, for, as I have said, +I was wearing a poke bonnet with a plain black dress, +seemed to puzzle him. + +"My new governess," said Abdul. "She came this morning. +She is a professor--" + +"Bah!" said the Field-Marshal, "a _woman_ a professor! Bah!" + +"No, no," said Abdul in protest, and it seemed decent of +the little creature to stick up for me. "She's all right, +she is interesting and knows a great deal. She's from +Canada!" + +"What!" exclaimed Von der Doppelbauch. "From Canada! +But stop! It seems to me that Canada is a country that +we are at war with. Let me think, Canada? I must look at +my list"--he pulled out a little set of tablets as he +spoke--"let me see, Britain, Great Britain, British North +America, British Guiana, British Nigeria--ha! of course, +under K--Kandahar, Korfu. No, I don't seem to see it +--Fritz," he called to the aide-de-camp who had announced +him, "telegraph at once to the Topographical Staff at +Berlin and find out if we are at war with Canada. If we +are"--he pointed at me--"throw her into the Bosphorus. +If we are not, treat her with every consideration, with +every distinguished consideration. But see that she +doesn't get away. Keep her tight, till we _are_ at war +with Canada, as no doubt we shall be, wherever it is, +and _then_ throw her into the Bosphorus." + +The aide clicked his heels and withdrew. + +"And now, your majesty," continued the Field-Marshal, +turning abruptly to the Sultan, "I bring you good news." + +"More good news," groaned Abdul miserably, winding his +clasped fingers to and fro. "Alas, good news again!" + +"First," said Von der Doppelbauch, "the Kaiser has raised +you to the order of the Black Dock. Here is your feather." + +"Another feather," moaned Abdul. "Here, Toomuch, take it +and put it among the feathers!" + +"Secondly," went on the Field-Marshal, checking off his +items as he spoke, "your contribution, your personal +contribution to His Majesty's Twenty-third Imperial Loan, +is accepted." + +"I didn't make any!" sobbed Abdul. + +"No difference," said Von der Doppelbauch. "It is accepted +anyway. The telegram has just arrived accepting all your +money. My assistants are packing it up outside." + +Abdul collapsed still further into his cushions. + +"Third, and this will rejoice your Majesty's heart: Your +troops are again victorious!" + +"Victorious!" moaned Abdul. "Victorious again! I knew +they would be! I suppose they are all dead as usual?" + +"They are," said the Marshal. "Their souls," he added +reverently, with a military salute, "are in Heaven!" + +"No, no," gasped Abdul, "not in Heaven! don't say that! +Not in Heaven! Say that they are in Nishvana, our Turkish +paradise." + +"I am sorry," said the Field-Marshal gravely. "This is +a Christian war. The Kaiser has insisted on their going +to Heaven." + +The Sultan bowed his head. + +"Ishmillah!" he murmured. "It is the will of Allah." + +"But they did not die without glory," went on the +Field-Marshal. "Their victory was complete. Set it out +to yourself," and here his eyes glittered with soldierly +passion. "There stood your troops--ten thousand! In front +of them the Russians--a hundred thousand. What did your +men do? Did they pause? No, they charged!" + +"They _charged!_" cried the Sultan in misery. "Don't say +that! Have they charged again! Just Allah!" he added, +turning to Toomuch. "They have charged again! And we must +pay, we shall have to pay--we always do when they charge. +Alas, alas, they have charged again. Everything is +charged!" + +"But how nobly," rejoined the Prussian. "Imagine it to +yourself! Here, beside this stool, let us say, were your +men. There, across the cushion, were the Russians. All +the ground between was mined. We knew it. Our soldiers +knew it. Even our staff knew it. Even Prinz Tattelwitz +Halfstuff, our commander, knew it. But your soldiers did +not. What did our Prinz do? The Prinz called for volunteers +to charge over the ground. There was a great shout--from +our men, our German regiments. He called again. There +was another shout. He called still again. There was a +third shout. Think of it! And again Prinz Halfstuff called +and again they shouted." + +"Who shouted?" asked the Sultan gloomily. + +"Our men, our Germans." + +"Did my Turks shout?" asked Abdul. + +"They did not. They were too busy tightening their belts +and fixing their bayonets. But our generous fellows +shouted for them. Then Prinz Halfstuff called out, 'The +place of honour is for our Turkish brothers. Let them +charge!' And all our men shouted again." + +"And they charged?" + +"They did--and were all gloriously blown up. A magnificent +victory. The blowing up of the mines blocked all the +ground, checked the Russians and enabled our men, by a +prearranged rush, to advance backwards, taking up a new +strategic--" + +"Yes, yes," said Abdul, "I know--I have read of it, alas, +only too often! And they are dead! Toomuch," he added +quietly, drawing a little pouch from his girdle, "take +this pouch of rubies and give them to the wives of the +dead general of our division--one to each. He had, I +think, but seventeen. His walk was quiet. Allah give him +peace." + +"Stop," said Von der Doppelbauch. "I will take the rubies. +I myself will charge myself with the task and will myself +see that I do it myself. Give me them." + +"Be it so, Toomuch," assented the Sultan humbly. "Give +them to him." + +"And now," continued the Field-Marshal, "there is yet +one other thing further still more." He drew a roll of +paper from his pocket. "Toomuch," he said, "bring me +yonder little table, with ink, quills and sand. I have +here a manifesto for His Majesty to sign." + +"No, no," cried Abdul in renewed alarm. "Not another +manifesto. Not that! I signed one only last week." + +"This is a new one," said the Field-Marshal, as he lifted +the table that Toomuch had brought into place in front +of the Sultan, and spread out the papers on it. "This is +a better one. This is the best one yet." + +"What does it say?" said Abdul, peering at it miserably, +"I can't read it. It's not in Turkish." + +"It is your last word of proud defiance to all your +enemies," said the Marshal. + +"No, no," whined Abdul. "Not defiance; they might not +understand." + +"Here you declare," went on the Field-Marshal, with his +big finger on the text, "your irrevocable purpose. You +swear that rather than submit you will hurl yourself into +the Bosphorus." + +"Where does it say that?" screamed Abdul. + +"Here beside my thumb." + +"I can't do it, I can't do it," moaned the little Sultan. + +"More than that further," went on the Prussian quite +undisturbed, "you state hereby your fixed resolve, rather +than give in, to cast yourself from the highest pinnacle +of the topmost minaret of this palace." + +"Oh, not the highest; don't make it the highest," moaned +Abdul. + +"Your purpose is fixed. Nothing can alter it. Unless the +Allied Powers withdraw from their advance on Constantinople +you swear that within one hour you will fill your mouth +with mud and burn yourself alive." + +"Just Allah!" cried the Sultan. "Does it say all that?" + +"All that," said Von der Doppelbauch. "All that within +an hour. It is a splendid defiance. The Kaiser himself +has seen it and admired it. 'These,' he said, 'are the +words of a man!'" + +"Did he say that?" said Abdul, evidently flattered. "And +is he too about to hurl himself off his minaret?" + +"For the moment, no," replied Von der Doppelbauch sternly. + +"Well, well," said Abdul, and to my surprise he began +picking up the pen and making ready. "I suppose if I must +sign it, I must." Then he marked the paper and sprinkled +it with sand. "For one hour? Well, well," he murmured. +"Von der Doppelbauch Pasha," he added with dignity, "you +are permitted to withdraw. Commend me to your Imperial +Master, my brother. Tell him that, when I am gone, he +may have Constantinople, provided only"--and a certain +slyness appeared in the Sultan's eye--"that he can get +it. Farewell." + +The Field-Marshal, majestic as ever, gathered up the +manifesto, clicked his heels together and withdrew. + +As the door closed behind him, I had expected the little +Sultan to fall into hopeless collapse. + +Not at all. On the contrary, a look of peculiar cheerfulness +spread over his features. + +He refilled his narghileh and began quietly smoking at it. + +"Toomuch," he said, quite cheerfully, "I see there is no +hope." + +"Alas!" said the secretary. + +"I have now," went on the Sultan, "apparently but sixty +minutes in front of me. I had hoped that the intervention +of the United States might have saved me. It has not. +Instead of it, I meet my fate. Well, well, it is Kismet. +I bow to it." + +He smoked away quite cheerfully. + +Presently he paused. + +"Toomuch," he said, "kindly go and fetch me a sharp +knife, double-edged if possible, but sharp, and a stout +bowstring." + +Up to this time I had remained a mere spectator of what +had happened. But now I feared that I was on the brink +of witnessing an awful tragedy. + +"Good heavens, Abdul," I said, "what are you going to do?" + +"Do? Why kill myself, of course," the Sultan answered, +pausing for a moment in an interval of his cheerful +smoking. "What else should I do? What else is there to +do? I shall first stab myself in the stomach and then +throttle myself with the bowstring. In half an hour I +shall be in paradise. Toomuch, summon hither from the +inner harem Fatima and Falloola; they shall sit beside +me and sing to me at the last hour, for I love them well, +and later they too shall voyage with me to paradise. See +to it that they are both thrown a little later into the +Bosphorus, for my heart yearns towards the two of them," +and he added thoughtfully, "especially perhaps towards +Fatima, but I have never quite made up my mind." + +The Sultan sat back with a little gurgle of contentment, +the rose water bubbling soothingly in the bowl of his pipe. + +Then he turned to his secretary again. + +"Toomuch," he said, "you will at the same time send a +bowstring to Codfish Pasha, my Chief of War. It is our +sign, you know," he added in explanation to me--"it gives +Codfish leave to kill himself. And, Toomuch, send a +bowstring also to Beefhash Pasha, my Vizier--good fellow, +he will expect it--and to Macpherson Effendi, my financial +adviser. Let them all have bowstrings." + +"Stop, stop," I pleaded. "I don't understand." + +"Why surely," said the little man, in evident astonishment, +"it is plain enough. What would you do in Canada? When +your ministers--as I think you call them--fail and no +longer enjoy your support, do you not send them bowstrings?" + +"Never," I said. "They go out of office, but--" + +"And they do not disembowel themselves on their retirement? +Have they not that privilege?" + +"Never!" I said. "What an idea!" + +"The ways of the infidel." said the little Sultan, calmly +resuming his pipe, "are beyond the compass of the true +intelligence of the Faithful. Yet I thought it was so +even as here. I had read in your newspapers that after +your last election your ministers were buried alive--buried +under a landslide, was it not? We thought it--here in +Turkey--a noble fate for them." + +"They crawled out," I said. + +"Ishmillah!" ejaculated Abdul. "But go, Toomuch. And +listen, thou also--for in spite of all thou hast served +me well--shalt have a bowstring." + +"Oh, master, master," cried Toomuch, falling on his knees +in gratitude and clutching the sole of Abdul's slipper. +"It is too kind!" + +"Nay, nay," said the Sultan. "Thou hast deserved it. And +I will go further. This stranger, too, my governess, this +professor, bring also for the professor a bowstring, and +a two-bladed knife! All Canada shall rejoice to hear of +it. The students shall leap up like young lambs at the +honour that will be done. Bring the knife, Toomuch; bring +the knife!" + +"Abdul," I said, "Abdul, this is too much. I refuse. I +am not fit. The honour is too great." + +"Not so," said Abdul. "I am still Sultan. I insist upon +it. For, listen, I have long penetrated your disguise +and your kind design. I saw it from the first. You knew +all and came to die with me. It was kindly meant. But +you shall die no common death; yours shall be the honour +of the double knife--let it be extra sharp, Toomuch--and +the bowstring." + +"Abdul," I urged, "it cannot be. You forget. I have an +appointment to be thrown into the Bosphorus." + +"The death of a dog! Never!" cried Abdul. "My will is +still law. Toomuch, kill him on the spot. Hit him with +the stool, throw the coffee at him--" + +But at this moment there were heard loud cries and shouting +as in tones of great gladness, in the outer hall of the +palace, doors swinging to and fro and the sound of many +running feet. One heard above all the call, "It has +come! It has come!" + +The Sultan looked up quickly. + +"Toomuch," he said eagerly and anxiously, "quick, see +what it is. Hurry! hurry! Haste! Do not stay on ceremony. +Drink a cup of coffee, give me five cents--fifty cents, +anything--and take leave and see what it is." + +But before Toomuch could reply, a turbaned attendant had +already burst in through the door unannounced and thrown +himself at Abdul's feet. + +"Master! Master!" he cried. "It is here. It has come." +As he spoke he held out in one hand a huge envelope, +heavy with seals. I could detect in great letters stamped +across it the words, WASHINGTON and OFFICE OF THE SECRETARY +OF STATE. + +Abdul seized and opened the envelope with trembling hands. + +"It is it!" he cried. "It is sent by Smith Pasha, Minister +under the Peace of Heaven of the United States. It is +the Intervention. I am saved." + +Then there was silence among us, breathless and anxious. + +Abdul glanced down the missive, reading it in silence to +himself. + +"Oh noble," he murmured. "Oh generous! It is too much. +Too splendid a lot!" + +"What does it say?" + +"Look," said the Sultan. "The United States has used its +good offices. It has intervened! All is settled. My fate +is secure." + +"Yes, yes," I said, "but what is it?" + +"Is it believable?" exclaimed Abdul. "It appears that +none of the belligerents cared about _me_ at all. None +had designs upon me. The war was _not_ made, as we +understood, Toomuch, as an attempt to seize my person. +All they wanted was Constantinople. Not _me_ at all!" + +"Powerful Allah!" murmured Toomuch. "Why was it not so +said?" + +"For me," said the Sultan, still consulting the letter, +"great honours are prepared! I am to leave Constantinople +--that is the sole condition. It shall then belong to +whoever can get it. Nothing could be fairer. It always +has. I am to have a safe conduct--is it not noble?--to +the United States. No one is to attempt to poison me--is +it not generosity itself?--neither on land nor even--mark +this especially, Toomuch--on board ship. Nor is anyone +to throw me overboard or otherwise transport me to +paradise." + +"It passes belief!" murmured Toomuch Koffi. "Allah is +indeed good." + +"In the United States itself," went on Abdul, "or, I +should say, themselves, Toomuch, for are they not +innumerable? I am to have a position of the highest trust, +power and responsibility." + +"Is it really possible?" I said, greatly surprised. + +"It is so written," said the Sultan. "I am to be placed +at the head, as the sole head or sovereign of--how is it +written?--a _Turkish Bath Establishment_ in New York. +There I am to enjoy the same freedom and to exercise just +as much--it is so written--exactly as much political +power as I do here. Is it not glorious?" + +"Allah! Illallah!" cried the secretary. + +"You, Toomuch, shall come with me, for there is a post +of great importance placed at my disposal--so it is +written--under the title of Rubber Down. Toomuch, let +our preparations be made at once. Notify Fatima and +Falloola. Those two alone shall go, for it is a Christian +country and I bow to its prejudices. Two, I understand, +is the limit. But we must leave at once." + +The Sultan paused a moment and then looked at me. + +"And our good friend here," he added, "we must leave to +get out of this Yildiz Kiosk by whatsoever magic means +he came into it." + +Which I did. + +And I am assured, by those who know, that the intervention +was made good and that Abdul and Toomuch may be seen to +this day, or to any other day, moving to and fro in their +slippers and turbans in their Turkish Bath Emporium at +the corner of Broadway and-- + +But stop; that would be saying too much, especially as +Fatima and Falloola occupy the upstairs. + +And it is said that Abdul has developed a very special +talent for heating up the temperature for his Christian +customers. + +Moreover, it is the general opinion that, whether or not +the Kaiser and such people will get their deserts, Abdul +Aziz has his. + + + + +XIII. In Merry Mexico + +I stood upon the platform of the little deserted railway +station of the frontier and looked around at the wide +prospect. "So this," I said to myself, "is Mexico!" + +About me was the great plain rolling away to the Sierras +in the background. The railroad track traversed it in a +thin line. There were no trees--only here and there a +clump of cactus or chaparral, a tuft of dog-grass or a +few patches of dogwood. At intervals in the distance one +could see a hacienda standing in majestic solitude in a +cup of the hills. In the blue sky floated little banderillos +of white cloud, while a graceful hidalgo appeared poised +on a crag on one leg with folded wings, or floated lazily +in the sky on one wing with folded legs. + +There was a drowsy buzzing of cicadas half asleep in the +cactus cups, and, from some hidden depth of the hills +far in the distance, the tinkling of a mule bell. + +I had seen it all so often in moving pictures that I +recognised the scene at once. + +"So this is Mexico?" I repeated. + +The station building beside me was little more than a +wooden shack. Its door was closed. There was a sort of +ticket wicket opening at the side, but it too was closed. + +But as I spoke thus aloud, the wicket opened. There +appeared in it the head and shoulders of a little wizened +man, swarthy and with bright eyes and pearly teeth. + +He wore a black velvet suit with yellow facings, and a +tall straw hat running to a point. I seemed to have seen +him a hundred times in comic opera. + +"Can you tell me when the next train--?" I began. + +The little man made a gesture of Spanish politeness. + +"Welcome to Mexico!" he said. + +"Could you tell me--?" I continued. + +"Welcome to our sunny Mexico!" he repeated--"our beautiful, +glorious Mexico. Her heart throbs at the sight of you." + +"Would you mind--?" I began again. + +"Our beautiful Mexico, torn and distracted as she is, +greets you. In the name of the _de facto_ government, +thrice welcome. _Su casa!_" he added with a graceful +gesture indicating the interior of his little shack. +"Come in and smoke cigarettes and sleep. _Su casa!_ You +are capable of Spanish, is it not?" + +"No," I said, "it is not. But I wanted to know when the +next train for the interior--" + +"Ah!" he rejoined more briskly. "You address me as a +servant of the _de facto_ government. _Momentino!_ One +moment!" + +He shut the wicket and was gone a long time. I thought +he had fallen asleep. + +But he reappeared. He had a bundle of what looked like +railway time tables, very ancient and worn, in his hand. + +"Did you say," he questioned, "the _in_terior or the +_ex_terior?" + +"The interior, please." + +"Ah, good, excellent--for the interior." The little +Mexican retreated into his shack and I could hear him +murmuring, "For the interior, excellent," as he moved to +and fro. + +Presently he reappeared, a look of deep sorrow on his +face. + +"Alas," he said, shrugging his shoulders, "I am _desolado!_ +It has gone! The next train has gone!" + +"Gone! When?" + +"Alas, who can tell? Yesterday, last month? But it has +gone." + +"And when will there be another one?" I asked. + +"Ha!" he said, resuming a brisk official manner. "I +understand. Having missed the next, you propose to take +another one. Excellent! What business enterprise you +foreigners have! You miss your train! What do you do? Do +you abandon your journey? No. Do you sit down--do you +weep? No. Do you lose time? You do not." + +"Excuse me," I said, "but when is there another train?" + +"That must depend," said the little official, and as he +spoke he emerged from his house and stood beside me on +the platform fumbling among his railway guides. "The +first question is, do you propose to take a _de facto_ +train or a _de jure_ train?" + +"When do they go?" I asked. + +"There is a _de jure_ train," continued the stationmaster, +peering into his papers, "at two p.m. A very good +train--sleepers and diners--one at four, a through +train--sleepers, observation car, dining car, corridor +compartments--that also is a _de jure_ train--" + +"But what is the difference between the _de jure_ and +the _de facto?_" + +"It's a distinction we generally make in Mexico. The _de +jure_ trains are those that ought to go; that is, in +theory, they go. The _de facto_ trains are those that +actually do go. It is a distinction clearly established +in our correspondence with Huedro Huilson." + +"Do you mean Woodrow Wilson?" + +"Yes, Huedro Huilson, president--_de jure_--of the United +States." + +"Oh," I said. "Now I understand. And when will there be +a _de facto_ train?" + +"At any moment you like," said the little official with +a bow. + +"But I don't see--" + +"Pardon me, I have one here behind the shed on that side +track. Excuse me one moment and I will bring it." + +He disappeared and I presently saw him energetically +pushing out from behind the shed a little railroad lorry +or hand truck. + +"Now then," he said as he shoved his little car on to +the main track, "this is the train. Seat yourself. I +myself will take you." + +"And how much shall I pay? What is the fare to the +interior?" I questioned. + +The little man waved the idea aside with a polite gesture. + +"The fare," he said, "let us not speak of it. Let us +forget it How much money have you?" + +"I have here," I said, taking out a roll of bills, "fifty +dollars--" + +"And that is _all_ you have?" + +"Yes." + +"Then let _that_ be your fare! Why should I ask more? +Were I an American, I might; but in our Mexico, no. What +you have we take; beyond that we ask nothing. Let us +forget it. Good! And, now, would you prefer to travel +first, second, or third class?" + +"First class please," I said. + +"Very good. Let it be so." Here the little man took from +his pocket a red label marked FIRST CLASS and tied it on +the edge of the hand car. "It is more comfortable," he +said. "Now seat yourself, seize hold of these two handles +in front of you. Move them back and forward, thus. Beyond +that you need do nothing. The working of the car, other +than the mere shoving of the handles, shall be my task. +Consider yourself, in fact, _senor_, as my guest." + +We took our places. I applied myself, as directed, to +the handles and the little car moved forward across the +plain. + +"A glorious prospect," I said, as I gazed at the broad +panorama. + +"_Magnifico!_ Is it not?" said my companion. "Alas, my +poor Mexico! She want nothing but water to make her the +most fertile country of the globe! Water and soil, those +only, and she would excel all others. Give her but water, +soil, light, heat, capital and labour, and what could +she not be! And what do we see? Distraction, revolution, +destruction--pardon me, will you please stop the car a +moment? I wish to tear up a little of the track behind us." + +I did as directed. My companion descended, and with a +little bar that he took from beneath the car unloosed a +few of the rails of the light track and laid them beside +the road. + +"It is our custom," he explained, as he climbed on board +again. "We Mexicans, when we move to and fro, always +tear up the track behind us. But what was I saying? Ah, +yes--destruction, desolation, alas, our Mexico!" + +He looked sadly up at the sky. + +"You speak," I said, "like a patriot. May I ask your +name?" + +"My name is Raymon," he answered, with a bow, "Raymon +Domenico y Miraflores de las Gracias." + +"And may I call you simply Raymon?" + +"I shall be delirious with pleasure if you will do so," +he answered, "and dare I ask you, in return, your business +in our beautiful country?" + +The car, as we were speaking, had entered upon a long +gentle down-grade across the plain, so that it ran without +great effort on my part. + +"Certainly," I said. "I'm going into the interior to see +General Villa!" + +At the shock of the name, Raymon nearly fell off the car. + +"Villa! General Francesco Villa! It is not possible!" + +The little man was shivering with evident fear. + +"See him! See Villa! Not possible. Let me show you a +picture of him instead? But approach him--it is not +possible. He shoots everybody at sight!" + +"That's all right," I said. "I have a written safe conduct +that protects me." + +"From whom?" + +"Here," I said, "look at them--I have two." + +Raymon took the documents I gave him and read aloud: + +"'The bearer is on an important mission connected with +American rights in Mexico. If anyone shoots him he will +be held to a strict accountability. W. W.' Ah! Excellent! +He will be compelled to send in an itemised account. +Excellent! And this other, let me see. 'If anybody +interferes with the bearer, I will knock his face in. T. +R.' Admirable. This is, if anything, better than the +other for use in our country. It appeals to our quick +Mexican natures. It is, as we say, _simpatico_. It touches +us." + +"It is meant to," I said. + +"And may I ask," said Raymon, "the nature of your business +with Villa?" + +"We are old friends," I answered. "I used to know him +years ago when he kept a Mexican cigar store in Buffalo. +It occurred to me that I might be able to help the cause +of peaceful intervention. I have already had a certain +experience in Turkey. I am commissioned to make General +Villa an offer." + +"I see," said Raymon. "In that case, if we are to find +Villa let us make all haste forward. And first we must +direct ourselves yonder"--he pointed in a vague way +towards the mountains--"where we must presently leave +our car and go on foot, to the camp of General Carranza." + +"Carranza!" I exclaimed. "But he is fighting Villa!" + +"Exactly. It is _possible_--not certain--but possible, +that he knows where Villa is. In our Mexico when two of +our generalistas are fighting in the mountains, they keep +coming across one another. It is hard to avoid it." + +"Good," I said. "Let us go forward." + +It was two days later that we reached Carranza's camp in +the mountains. + +We found him just at dusk seated at a little table beneath +a tree. + +His followers were all about, picketing their horses and +lighting fires. + +The General, buried in a book before him, noticed neither +the movements of his own men nor our approach. + +I must say that I was surprised beyond measure at his +appearance. + +The popular idea of General Carranza as a rude bandit +chief is entirely erroneous. + +I saw before me a quiet, scholarly-looking man, bearing +every mark of culture and refinement. His head was bowed +over the book in front of him, which I noticed with +astonishment and admiration was _Todhunter's Algebra_. +Close at his hand I observed a work on _Decimal Fractions_, +while, from time to time, I saw the General lift his eyes +and glance keenly at a multiplication table that hung on +a bough beside him. + +"You must wait a few moments," said an aide-de-camp, who +stood beside us. "The General is at work on a simultaneous +equation!" + +"Is it possible?" I said in astonishment. + +The aide-de-camp smiled. + +"Soldiering to-day, my dear Senor," he said, "is an exact +science. On this equation will depend our entire food +supply for the next week." + +"When will he get it done?" I asked anxiously. + +"Simultaneously," said the aide-de-camp. + +The General looked up at this moment and saw us. + +"Well?" he asked. + +"Your Excellency," said the aide-de-camp, "there is a +stranger here on a visit of investigation to Mexico." + +"Shoot him!" said the General, and turned quickly to his +work. + +The aide-de-camp saluted. + +"When?" he asked. + +"As soon as he likes," said the General. + +"You are fortunate, indeed," said the aide-de-camp, in +a tone of animation, as he led me away, still accompanied +by Raymon. "You might have been kept waiting round for +days. Let us get ready at once. You would like to be +shot, would you not, smoking a cigarette, and standing +beside your grave? Luckily, we have one ready. Now, if +you will wait a moment, I will bring the photographer +and his machine. There is still light enough, I think. +What would you like it called? _The Fate of a Spy?_ That's +good, isn't it? Our syndicate can always work up that +into a two-reel film. All the rest of it--the camp, the +mountains, the general, the funeral and so on--we can do +to-morrow without you." + +He was all eagerness as he spoke. + +"One moment," I interrupted. "I am sure there is some +mistake. I only wished to present certain papers and +get a safe conduct from the General to go and see Villa." + +The aide-de-camp stopped abruptly. + +"Ah!" he said. "You are not here for a picture. A thousand +pardons. Give me your papers. One moment--I will return +to the General and explain." + +He vanished, and Raymon and I waited in the growing dusk. + +"No doubt the General supposed," explained Raymon, as he +lighted a cigarette, "that you were here for _las machinas_, +the moving pictures." + +In a few minutes the aide-de-camp returned. + +"Come," he said, "the General will see you now." + +We returned to where we had left Carranza. + +The General rose to meet me with outstretched hand and +with a gesture of simple cordiality. + +"You must pardon my error," he said. + +"Not at all," I said. + +"It appears you do not desire to be shot." + +"Not at present." + +"Later, perhaps," said the General. "On your return, no +doubt, provided," he added with grave courtesy that sat +well on him, "that you do return. My aide-de-camp shall +make a note of it. But at present you wish to be guided +to Francesco Villa?" + +"If it is possible." + +"Quite easy. He is at present near here, in fact much +nearer than he has any right to be." The General frowned. +"We found this spot first. The light is excellent and +the mountains, as you have seen, are wonderful for our +pictures. This is, by every rule of decency, _our_ scenery. +Villa has no right to it. This is _our_ Revolution"--the +General spoke with rising animation--"not his. When you +see the fellow, tell him from me--or tell his manager--that +he must either move his revolution further away or, by +heaven, I'll--I'll use force against him. But stop," he +checked himself. "You wish to see Villa. Good. You have +only to follow the straight track over the mountain there. +He is just beyond, at the little village in the hollow, +El Corazon de las Quertas." + +The General shook hands and seated himself again at his +work. The interview was at an end. We withdrew. + +The next morning we followed without difficulty the path +indicated. A few hours' walk over the mountain pass +brought us to a little straggling village of adobe houses, +sleeping drowsily in the sun. + +There were but few signs of life in its one street--a +mule here and there tethered in the sun, and one or two +Mexicans drowsily smoking in the shade. + +One building only, evidently newly made, and of lumber, +had a decidedly American appearance. Its doorway bore +the sign GENERAL OFFICES OF THE COMPANY, and under it +the notice KEEP OUT, while on one of its windows was +painted GENERAL MANAGER and below it the legend NO +ADMISSION, and on the other, SECRETARY'S OFFICE: GO AWAY. + +We therefore entered at once. + +"General Francesco Villa?" said a clerk, evidently +American. "Yes, he's here all right. At least, this is +the office." + +"And where is the General?" I asked. + +The clerk turned to an assistant at a desk in a corner +of the room. + +"Where's Frank working this morning?" he asked. + +"Over down in the gulch," said the other, turning round +for a moment. "There's an attack on American cavalry this +morning." + +"Oh, yes, I forgot," said the chief clerk. "I thought it +was the Indian Massacre, but I guess that's for to-morrow. +Go straight to the end of the street and turn left about +half a mile and you'll find the boys down there." + +We thanked him and withdrew. + +We passed across the open plaza, and went down a narrow +side road, bordered here and there with adobe houses, +and so out into the open country. Here the hills rose +again and the road that we followed wound sharply round +a turn into a deep gorge, bordered with rocks and sage +brush. We had no sooner turned the curve of the road than +we came upon a scene of great activity. Men in Mexican +costume were running to and fro apparently arranging a +sort of barricade at the side of the road. Others seemed +to be climbing the rocks on the further side of the gorge, +as if seeking points of advantage. I noticed that all +were armed with rifles and machetes and presented a +formidable appearance. Of Villa himself I could see +nothing. But there was a grim reality about the glittering +knives, the rifles and the maxim guns that I saw concealed +in the sage brush beside the road. + +"What is it?" I asked of a man who was standing idle, +watching the scene from the same side of the road as +ourselves. + +"Attack of American cavalry," he said nonchalantly. + +"Here!" I gasped. + +"Yep, in about ten minutes: soon as they are ready." + +"Where's Villa?" + +"It's him they're attacking. They chase him here, see! +This is an ambush. Villa rounds on them right here, and +they fight to a finish!" + +"Great heavens!" I exclaimed. "How do you know that?" + +"Know it? Why because I _seen_ it. Ain't they been trying +it out for three days? Why, I'd be in it myself only I'm +off work. Got a sore toe yesterday--horse stepped on it." + +All this was, of course, quite unintelligible to me. + +"But it's right here where they're going to fight?" I +asked. + +"Sure," said the American, as he moved carelessly aside, +"as soon as the boss gets it all ready." + +I noticed for the first time a heavy-looking man in an +American tweed suit and a white plug hat, moving to and +fro and calling out directions with an air of authority. + +"Here!" he shouted, "what in h--l are you doing with that +machine gun? You've got it clean out of focus. Here, +Jose, come in closer--that's right. Steady there now, +and don't forget, at the second whistle you and Pete are +dead. Here, you, Pete, how in thunder do you think you +can die there? You're all out of the picture and hidden +by that there sage brush. That's no place to die. And, +boys, remember one thing, now, _die slow_. Ed"--he turned +and called apparently to some one invisible behind the +rocks--"when them two boys is killed, turn her round on +them, slew her round good and get them centre focus. Now +then, are you all set? Ready?" + +At this moment the speaker turned and saw Raymon and +myself. + +"Here, youse," he shouted, "get further back, you're in +the picture. Or, say, no, stay right where you are. +You," he said, pointing to me, "stay right where you are +and I'll give you a dollar to just hold that horror; you +understand, just keep on registering it. Don't do another +thing, just register that face." + +His words were meaningless to me. I had never known before +that it was possible to make money by merely registering +my face. + +"No, no," cried out Raymon, "my friend here is not wanting +work. He has a message, a message of great importance +for General Villa." + +"Well," called back the boss, "he'll have to wait. We +can't stop now. All ready, boys? One--two--now!" + +And with that he put a whistle to his lips and blew a +long shrill blast. + +Then in a moment the whole scene was transformed. Rifle +shots rang out from every crag and bush that bordered +the gully. + +A wild scamper of horses' hoofs was heard and in a moment +there came tearing down the road a whole troop of mounted +Mexicans, evidently in flight, for they turned and fired +from their saddles as they rode. The horses that carried +them were wild with excitement and flecked with foam. +The Mexican cavalry men shouted and yelled, brandishing +their machetes and firing their revolvers. Here and there +a horse and rider fell to the ground in a great whirl of +sand and dust. In the thick of the press, a leader of +ferocious aspect, mounted upon a gigantic black horse, +waved his sombrero about his head. + +"Villa--it is Villa!" cried Raymon, tense with excitement. +"Is he not _magnifico?_ But look! Look--the _Americanos!_ +They are coming!" + +It was a glorious sight to see them as they rode madly +on the heels of the Mexicans--a whole company of American +cavalry, their horses shoulder to shoulder, the men bent +low in their saddles, their carbines gripped in their +hands. They rode in squadrons and in line, not like the +shouting, confused mass of the Mexicans--but steady, +disciplined, irresistible. + +On the right flank in front a grey-haired officer steadied +the charging line. The excitement of it was maddening. + +"Go to it," I shouted in uncontrollable emotion. "Your +Mexicans are licked, Raymon, they're no good!" + +"But look!" said Raymon. "See--the ambush, the ambuscada!" + +For as they reached the centre of the gorge in front of +us the Mexicans suddenly checked their horses, bringing +them plunging on their haunches in the dust, and then +swung round upon their pursuers, while from every crag +and bush at the side of the gorge the concealed riflemen +sprang into view--and the sputtering of the machine guns +swept the advancing column with a volley. + +We could see the American line checked as with the buffet +of a great wave, men and horses rolling in the road. +Through the smoke one saw the grey-haired leader +--dismounted, his uniform torn, his hat gone, but still +brandishing his sword and calling his orders to his men, +his face as one caught in a flash of sunlight, steady +and fearless. His words I could not hear, but one saw +the American cavalry, still unbroken, dismount, throw +themselves behind their horses, and fire with steady aim +into the mass of the Mexicans. We could see the Mexicans +in front of where we stood falling thick and fast, in +little huddled bundles of colour, kicking the sand. The +man Pete had gone down right in the foreground and was +breathing out his soul before our eyes. + +"Well done," I shouted. "Go to it, boys! You can lick +'em yet! Hurrah for the United States. Look, Raymon, +look! They've shot down the crew of the machine guns. +See, see, the Mexicans are turning to run. At 'em, boys! +They're waving the American flag! There it is in all the +thick of the smoke! Hark! There's the bugle call to +mount again! They're going to charge again! Here they +come!" + +As the American cavalry came tearing forward, the Mexicans +leaped from their places with gestures of mingled rage +and terror as if about to break and run. + +The battle, had it continued, could have but one end. + +But at this moment we heard from the town behind us the +long sustained note of a steam whistle blowing the hour +of noon. + +In an instant the firing ceased. + +The battle stopped. The Mexicans picked themselves up +off the ground and began brushing off the dust from their +black velvet jackets. The American cavalry reined in +their horses. Dead Pete came to life. General Villa and +the American leader and a number of others strolled over +towards the boss, who stood beside the fence vociferating +his comments. + +"That won't do!" he was shouting. "That won't do! Where +in blazes was that infernal Sister of Mercy? Miss +Jenkinson!" and he called to a tall girl, whom I now +noticed for the first time among the crowd, wearing a +sort of khaki costume and a short skirt and carrying a +water bottle in a strap. "You never got into the picture +at all. I want you right in there among the horses, under +their feet." + +"Land sakes!" said the Sister of Mercy. "You ain't no +right to ask me to go in there among them horses and be +trampled." + +"Ain't you _paid_ to be trampled?" said the manager +angrily. Then as he caught sight of Villa he broke off +and said: "Frank, you boys done fine. It's going to be +a good act, all right. But it ain't just got the right +amount of ginger in it yet. We'll try her over _once_ +again, anyway." + +"Now, boys," he continued, calling out to the crowd with +a voice like a megaphone, "this afternoon at three-thirty +--Hospital scene. I only want the wounded, the doctors +and the Sisters of Mercy. All the rest of youse is free +till ten to-morrow--for the Indian Massacre. Everybody +up for that." + +It was an hour or two later that I had my interview with +Villa in a back room of the little _posada_, or inn, of +the town. The General had removed his ferocious wig of +straight black hair, and substituted a check suit for +his warlike costume. He had washed the darker part of +the paint off his face--in fact, he looked once again +the same Frank Villa that I used to know when he kept +his Mexican cigar store in Buffalo. + +"Well, Frank," I said, "I'm afraid I came down here under +a misunderstanding." + +"Looks like it," said the General, as he rolled a cigarette. + +"And you wouldn't care to go back even for the offer that +I am commissioned to make--your old job back again, and +half the profits on a new cigar to be called the Francesco +Villa?" + +The General shook his head. + +"It sounds good, all right," he said, "but this +moving-picture business is better." + +"I see," I said, "I hadn't understood. I thought there +really was a revolution here in Mexico." + +"No," said Villa, shaking his head, "been no revolution +down here for years--not since Diaz. The picture companies +came in and took the whole thing over; they made us a +fair offer--so much a reel straight out, and a royalty, +and let us divide up the territory as we liked. The first +film we done was the bombardment of Vera Cruz. Say, that +was a dandy; did you see it?" + +"No," I said. + +"They had us all in that," he continued. "I done an +American Marine. Lots of people think it all real when +they see it." + +"Why," I said, "nearly everybody does. Even the President--" + +"Oh, I guess he knows," said Villa, "but, you see, there's +tons of money in it and it's good for business, and he's +too decent a man to give It away. Say, I heard the boy +saying there's a war in Europe. I wonder what company +got that up, eh? But I don't believe it'll draw. There +ain't the scenery for it that we have in Mexico." + +"Alas!" murmured Raymon. "Our beautiful Mexico. To what +is she fallen! Needing only water, air, light and soil +to make her--" + +"Come on, Raymon," I said, "let's go home." + + + + +XIV. Over the Grape Juice; or, The Peacemakers + +Characters + +MR. W. JENNINGS BRYAN. +DR. DAVID STARR JORDAN. +A PHILANTHROPIST. +MR. NORMAN ANGELL. +A LADY PACIFIST. +A NEGRO PRESIDENT. +AN EMINENT DIVINE. +THE MAN ON THE STREET. +THE GENERAL PUBLIC. +And many others. + +"War," said the Negro President of Haiti, "is a sad +spectacle. It shames our polite civilisation." + +As he spoke, he looked about him at the assembled company +around the huge dinner table, glittering with cut glass +and white linen, and brilliant with hot-house flowers. + +"A sad spectacle," he repeated, rolling his big eyes in +his black and yellow face that was melancholy with the +broken pathos of the African race. + +The occasion was a notable one. It was the banquet of +the Peacemakers' Conference of 1917 and the company +gathered about the board was as notable as it was numerous. + +At the head of the table the genial Mr. Jennings Bryan +presided as host, his broad countenance beaming with +amiability, and a tall flagon of grape juice standing +beside his hand. A little further down the table one saw +the benevolent head and placid physiognomy of Mr. Norman +Angell, bowed forward as if in deep calculation. Within +earshot of Mr. Bryan, but not listening to him, one +recognised without the slightest difficulty Dr. David +Starr Jordan, the distinguished ichthyologist and director +in chief of the World's Peace Foundation, while the bland +features of a gentleman from China, and the presence of +a yellow delegate from the Mosquito Coast, gave ample +evidence that the company had been gathered together +without reference to colour, race, religion, education, +or other prejudices whatsoever. + +But it would be out of the question to indicate by name +the whole of the notable assemblage. Indeed, certain of +the guests, while carrying in their faces and attitudes +something strangely and elusively familiar, seemed in a +sense to be nameless, and to represent rather types and +abstractions than actual personalities. Such was the +case, for instance, with a female member of the company, +seated in a place of honour near the host, whose demure +garb and gentle countenance seemed to indicate her as a +Lady Pacifist, but denied all further identification. +The mild, ecclesiastical features of a second guest, so +entirely Christian in its expression as to be almost +devoid of expression altogether, marked him at once as +An Eminent Divine, but, while puzzlingly suggestive of +an actual and well-known person, seemed to elude exact +recognition. His accent, when he presently spoke, stamped +him as British and his garb was that of the Established +Church. Another guest appeared to answer to the general +designation of Capitalist or Philanthropist, and seemed +from his prehensile grasp upon his knife and fork to +typify the Money Power. In front of this guest, doubtless +with a view of indicating his extreme wealth and the +consideration in which he stood, was placed a floral +decoration representing a broken bank, with the figure +of a ruined depositor entwined among the debris. + +Of these nameless guests, two individuals alone, from +the very significance of their appearance, from their +plain dress, unsuited to the occasion, and from the +puzzled expression of their faces, seemed out of harmony +with the galaxy of distinction which surrounded them. +They seemed to speak only to one another, and even that +somewhat after the fashion of an appreciative chorus to +what the rest of the company was saying; while the manner +in which they rubbed their hands together and hung upon +the words of the other speakers in humble expectancy +seemed to imply that they were present in the hope of +gathering rather than shedding light. To these two humble +and obsequious guests no attention whatever was paid, +though it was understood, by those who knew, that their +names were The General Public and the Man on the Street. + +"A sad spectacle," said the Negro President, and he sighed +as he spoke. "One wonders if our civilisation, if our +moral standards themselves, are slipping from us." Then +half in reverie, or as if overcome by the melancholy of +his own thought, he lifted a spoon from the table and +slid it gently into the bosom of his faded uniform. + +"Put back that spoon!" called The Lady Pacifist sharply. + +"Pardon!" said the Negro President humbly, as he put it +back. The humiliation of generations of servitude was +in his voice. + +"Come, come," exclaimed Mr. Jennings Bryan cheerfully, +"try a little more of the grape juice?" + +"Does it intoxicate?" asked the President. + +"Never," answered Mr. Bryan. "Rest assured of that. I +can guarantee it. The grape is picked in the dark. It is +then carried, still in the dark, to the testing room. +There every particle of alcohol is removed. Try it." + +"Thank you," said the President. "I am no longer thirsty." + +"Will anybody have some more of the grape juice?" asked +Mr. Bryan, running his eye along the ranks of the guests. + +No one spoke. + +"Will anybody have some more ground peanuts?" + +No one moved. + +"Or does anybody want any more of the shredded tan bark? +No? Or will somebody have another spoonful of sunflower +seeds?" + +There was still no sign of assent. + +"Very well, then," said Mr. Bryan, "the banquet, as such, +is over, and we now come to the more serious part of our +business. I need hardly tell you that we are here for +a serious purpose. We are here to do good. That I know +is enough to enlist the ardent sympathy of everybody +present." + +There was a murmur of assent. + +"Personally," said The Lady Pacifist, "I do nothing else." + +"Neither do I," said the guest who has been designated +The Philanthropist, "whether I am producing oil, or making +steel, or building motor-cars." + +"Does he build motor-cars?" whispered the humble person +called The Man in the Street to his fellow, The General +Public. + +"All great philanthropists do things like that," answered +his friend. "They do it as a social service so as to +benefit humanity; any money they make is just an accident. +They don't really care about it a bit. Listen to him. +He's going to say so." + +"Indeed, our business itself," The Philanthropist continued, +while his face lighted up with unselfish enthusiasm, "our +business itself--" + +"Hush, hush!" said Mr. Bryan gently. "We know--" + +"Our business itself," persisted The Philanthropist, "is +one great piece of philanthropy." + +Tears gathered in his eyes. + +"Come, come," said Mr. Bryan firmly, "we must get to +business. Our friend here," he continued, turning to +the company at large and indicating the Negro President +on his right, "has come to us in great distress. His +beautiful island of Haiti is and has been for many years +overwhelmed in civil war. Now he learns that not only +Haiti, but also Europe is engulfed in conflict. He has +heard that we are making proposals for ending the war +--indeed, I may say are about to declare that the war in +Europe _must stop_--I think I am right, am I not, my +friends?" + +There was a general chorus of assent. + +"Naturally then," continued Mr. Bryan, "our friend the +President of Haiti, who is overwhelmed with grief at what +has been happening in his island, has come to us for +help. That is correct, is it not?" + +"That's it, gentlemen," said the Negro President, in a +voice of some emotion, wiping the sleeve of his faded +uniform across his eyes. "The situation is quite beyond +my control. In fact," he added, shaking his head +pathetically as he relapsed into more natural speech, +"dis hyah chile, gen'l'n, is clean done beat with it. +Dey ain't doin' nuffin' on the island but shootin', +burnin', and killin' somethin' awful. Lawd a massy! it's +just like a real civilised country, all right, now. Down +in our island we coloured people is feeling just as bad +as youse did when all them poor white folks was murdered +on the _Lusitania!_" + +But the Negro President had no sooner used the words +"Murdered on the _Lusitania_," than a chorus of dissent +and disapproval broke out all down the table. + +"My dear sir, my dear sir," protested Mr. Bryan, "pray +moderate your language a little, if you please. Murdered? +Oh, dear, dear me, how can we hope to advance the cause +of peace if you insist on using such terms?" + +"Ain't it that? Wasn't it murder?" asked the President, +perplexed. + +"We are all agreed here," said The Lady Pacifist, "that +it is far better to call it an incident. We speak of the +'_Lusitania_ Incident,'" she added didactically, "just +as one speaks of the _Arabic_ Incident, and the Cavell +Incident, and other episodes of the sort. It makes it so +much easier to forget." + +"True, quite true," murmured The Eminent Divine, "and +then one must remember that there are always two sides +to everything. There are two sides to murder. We must +not let ourselves forget that there is always the murderer's +point of view to consider." + +But by this time the Negro President was obviously confused +and out of his depth. The conversation had reached a +plane of civilisation which was beyond his reach. + +The genial Mr. Bryan saw fit to come to his rescue. + +"Never mind," said Mr. Bryan soothingly. "Our friends +here, will soon settle all your difficulties for you. +I'm going to ask them, one after the other, to advise +you. They will tell you the various means that they are +about to apply to stop the war in Europe, and you may +select any that you like for your use in Haiti. We charge +you nothing for it, except of course your fair share of +the price of this grape juice and the shredded nuts." + +The President nodded. + +"I am going to ask our friend on my right"--and here Mr. +Bryan indicated The Lady Pacifist--"to speak first." + +There was a movement of general expectancy and the two +obsequious guests at the foot of the table, of whom +mention has been made, were seen to nudge one another +and whisper, "Isn't this splendid?" + +"You are not asking me to speak first merely because I +am a woman?" asked The Lady Pacifist. + +"Oh no," said Mr. Bryon, with charming tact. + +"Very good," said the lady, adjusting her glasses. "As +for stopping the war, I warn you, as I have warned the +whole world, that it may be too late. They should have +called me in sooner. That was the mistake. If they had +sent for me at once and had put my picture in the papers +both in England and Germany, with the inscription 'The +True Woman of To-day,' I doubt if any of the men who +looked at it would have felt that it was worth while to +fight. But, as things are, the only advice I can give is +this. Everybody is wrong (except me). The Germans are a +very naughty people. But the Belgians are worse. It was +very, very wicked of the Germans to bombard the houses +of the Belgians. But how naughty of the Belgians to go +and sit in their houses while they were bombarded. It is +to that that I attribute--with my infallible sense of +justice--the dreadful loss of life. So you see the only +conclusion that I can reach is that everybody is very +naughty and that the only remedy would be to appoint me +a committee--me and a few others, though the others don't +really matter--to make a proper settlement. I hope I make +myself clear." + +The Negro President shook his head and looked mystified. + +"Us coloured folks," he said, "wouldn't quite understand +that. We done got the idea that sometimes there's such +a thing as a quarrel that is right and just." The +President's melancholy face lit up with animation and +his voice rose to the sonorous vibration of the negro +preacher. "We learn that out of the Bible, we coloured +folks--we learn to smite the ungodly--" + +"Pray, pray," said Mr. Bryan soothingly, "don't introduce +religion, let me beg of you. That would be fatal. We +peacemakers are all agreed that there must be no question +of religion raised." + +"Exactly so," murmured The Eminent Divine, "my own feelings +exactly. The name of--of--the Deity should never be +brought in. It inflames people. Only a few weeks ago I +was pained and grieved to the heart to hear a woman in +one of our London streets raving that the German Emperor +was a murderer. Her child had been killed that night by +a bomb from a Zeppelin; she had its body in a cloth hugged +to her breast as she talked--thank heaven, they keep +these things out of the newspapers--and she was calling +down God's vengeance on the Emperor. Most deplorable! +Poor creature, unable, I suppose, to realise the Emperor's +exalted situation, his splendid lineage, the wonderful +talent with which he can draw pictures of the apostles +with one hand while he writes an appeal to his Mohammedan +comrades with the other. I dined with him once," he added, +in modest afterthought. + +"I dined with him, too," said Dr. Jordan. "I shall never +forget the impression he made. As he entered the room +accompanied by his staff, the Emperor looked straight at +me and said to one of his aides, 'Who is this?' 'This is +Dr. Jordan,' said the officer. The Emperor put out his +hand. 'So this is Dr. Jordan,' he said. I never witnessed +such an exhibition of brain power in my life. He had +seized my name in a moment and held it for three seconds +with all the tenaciousness of a Hohenzollern. + +"But may I," continued the Director of the World's Peace, +"add a word to what has been said to make it still clearer +to our friend? I will try to make it as simple as one of +my lectures in Ichthyology. I know of nothing simpler +than that." + +Everybody murmured assent. The Negro President put his +hand to his ear. + +"Theology?" he said. + +"Ichthyology," said Dr. Jordan. "It is better. But just +listen to this. War is waste. It destroys the tissues. +It is exhausting and fatiguing and may in extreme cases +lead to death." + +The learned gentleman sat back in his seat and took a +refreshing drink of rain water from a glass beside him, +while a murmur of applause ran round the table. It was +known and recognised that the speaker had done more than +any living man to establish the fact that war is dangerous, +that gunpowder, if heated, explodes, that fire burns, +that fish swim, and other great truths without which the +work of the peace endowment would appear futile. + +"And now," said Mr. Bryan, looking about him with the +air of a successful toastmaster, "I am going to ask our +friend here to give us his views." + +Renewed applause bore witness to the popularity of The +Philanthropist, whom Mr. Bryan had indicated with a wave +of his hand. + +The Philanthropist cleared his throat. + +"In our business--" he began. + +Mr. Bryan plucked him gently by the sleeve. + +"Never mind your business just now," he whispered. + +The Philanthropist bowed in assent and continued: + +"I will come at once to the subject. My own feeling is +that the true way to end war is to try to spread abroad +in all directions goodwill and brotherly love." + +"Hear, hear!" cried the assembled company. + +"And the great way to inspire brotherly love all round +is to keep on getting richer and richer till you have so +much money that every one loves you. Money, gentlemen, +is a glorious thing." + +At this point, Mr. Norman Angell, who had remained silent +hitherto, raised his head from his chest and murmured +drowsily: + +"Money, money, there isn't anything but money. Money is +the only thing there is. Money and property, property +and money. If you destroy it, it is gone; if you smash +it, it isn't there. All the rest is a great illus--" + +And with this he dozed off again into silence. + +"Our poor Angell is asleep again," said The Lady Pacifist. + +Mr. Bryan shook his head. + +"He's been that way ever since the war began--sleeps all +the time, and keeps muttering that there isn't any war, +that people only imagine it, in fact that it is all an +illusion. But I fear we are interrupting you," he added, +turning to The Philanthropist. + +"I was just saying," continued that gentleman, "that you +can do anything with money. You can stop a war with it +if you have enough of it, in ten minutes. I don't care +what kind of war it is, or what the people are fighting +for, whether they are fighting for conquest or fighting +for their homes and their children. I can stop it, stop +it absolutely by my grip on money, without firing a shot +or incurring the slightest personal danger." + +The Philanthropist spoke with the greatest emphasis, +reaching out his hand and clutching his fingers in the +air. + +"Yes, gentlemen," he went on, "I am speaking here not of +theories but of facts. This is what I am doing and what +I mean to do. You've no idea how amenable people are, +especially poor people, struggling people, those with +ties and responsibilities, to the grip of money. I went +the other day to a man I know, the head of a bank, where +I keep a little money--just a fraction of what I make, +gentlemen, a mere nothing to me but everything to this +man because he is still not rich and is only fighting +his way up. 'Now,' I said to him, 'you are English, are +you not?' 'Yes, sir,' he answered. 'And I understand you +mean to help along the loan to England with all the power +of your bank.' 'Yes,' he said, 'I mean it and I'll do +it.' 'Then I'll tell you what,' I said, 'you lend one +penny, or help to lend one penny, to the people of England +or the people of France, and I'll break you, I'll grind +you into poverty--you and your wife and children and all +that belongs to you.'" + +The Philanthropist had spoken with so great an intensity +that there was a deep stillness over the assembled company. +The Negro President had straightened up in his seat, and +as he looked at the speaker there was something in his +erect back and his stern face and the set of his faded +uniform that somehow turned him, African though he was, +into a soldier. + +"Sir," he said, with his eye riveted on the speaker's +face, "what happened to that banker man?" + +"The fool!" said The Philanthropist. "He wouldn't hear +--he defied me--he said that there wasn't money enough +in all my business to buy the soul of a single Englishman. +I had his directors turn him from his bank that day, and +he's enlisted, the scoundrel, and is gone to the war. +But his wife and family are left behind; they shall learn +what the grip of the money power is--learn it in misery +and poverty." + +"My good sir," said the Negro President slowly and +impressively, "do you know why your plan of stopping war +wouldn't work in Haiti?" + +"No," said The Philanthropist. + +"Because our black people there would kill you. Whichever +side they were on, whatever they thought of the war, they +would take a man like you and lead you out into the town +square, and stand you up against the side of an adobe +house, and they'd shoot you. Come down to Haiti, if you +doubt my words, and try it." + +"Thank you," said The Philanthropist, resuming his +customary manner of undisturbed gentleness, "I don't +think I will. I don't think somehow that I could do +business in Haiti." + +The passage at arms between the Negro President and The +Philanthropist had thrown a certain confusion into the +hitherto agreeable gathering. Even The Eminent Divine +was seen to be slowly shaking his head from side to side, +an extreme mark of excitement which he never permitted +himself except under stress of passion. The two humble +guests at the foot of the table were visibly perturbed. +"Say, I don't like that about the banker," squeaked one +of them. "That ain't right, eh what? I don't like it." + +Mr. Bryan was aware that the meeting was in danger of +serious disorder. He rapped loudly on the table for +attention. When he had at last obtained silence, he +spoke. + +"I have kept my own views to the last," he said, "because +I cannot but feel that they possess a peculiar importance. +There is, my dear friends, every prospect that within a +measurable distance of time I shall be able to put them +into practice. I am glad to be able to announce to you +the practical certainty that four years from now I shall +be President of the United States." + +At this announcement the entire company broke into +spontaneous and heartfelt applause. It had long been felt +by all present that Mr. Bryan was certain to be President +of the United States if only he ran for the office often +enough, but that the glad moment had actually arrived +seemed almost too good for belief. + +"Yes, my friends," continued the genial host, "I have +just had a communication from my dear friend Wilson, in +which he tells me that he, himself, will never contest +the office again. The Presidency, he says, interfered +too much with his private life. In fact, I am authorised +to state in confidence that his wife forbids him to run." + +"But, my dear Jennings," interposed Dr. Jordan thoughtfully, +"what about Mr. Hughes and Colonel Roosevelt?" + +"In that quarter my certainty in the matter is absolute. +I have calculated it out mathematically that I am bound +to obtain, in view of my known principles, the entire +German vote--which carries with it all the great breweries +of the country--the whole Austrian vote, all the Hungarians +of the sugar refineries, the Turks; in fact, my friends, +I am positive that Roosevelt, if he dares to run, will +carry nothing but the American vote!" + +Loud applause greeted this announcement. + +"And now let me explain my plan, which I believe is shared +by a great number of sane, and other, pacifists in the +country. All the great nations of the world will be +invited to form a single international force consisting +of a fleet so powerful and so well equipped that no single +nation will dare to bid it defiance." + +Mr. Bryan looked about him with a glance of something +like triumph. The whole company, and especially the Negro +President, were now evidently interested. "Say," whispered +The General Public to his companion, "this sounds like +the real thing? Eh, what? Isn't he a peach of a thinker?" + +"What flag will your fleet fly?" asked the Negro President. + +"The flags of all nations," said Mr. Bryan. + +"Where will you get your sailors?" + +"From all the nations," said Mr. Bryan, "but the uniform +will be all the same, a plain white blouse with blue +insertions, and white duck trousers with the word PEACE +stamped across the back of them in big letters. This will +help to impress the sailors with the almost sacred +character of their functions." + +"But what will the fleet's functions be?" asked the +President. + +"Whenever a quarrel arises," explained Mr. Bryan, "it +will be submitted to a Board. Who will be on this Board, +in addition to myself, I cannot as yet say. But it's of +no consequence. Whenever a case is submitted to the +Board it will think it over for three years. It will then +announce its decision--if any. After that, if any one +nation refuses to submit, its ports will be bombarded by +the Peace Fleet." + +Rapturous expressions of approval greeted Mr. Bryan's +explanation. + +"But I don't understand," said the Negro President, +turning his puzzled face to Mr. Bryan. "Would some of +these ships be British ships?" + +"Oh, certainly. In view of the dominant size of the +British Navy about one-quarter of all the ships would be +British ships." + +"And the sailors British sailors?" + +"Oh, yes," said Mr. Bryan, "except that they would be +wearing international breeches--a most important point." + +"And if the Board, made up of all sorts of people, were +to give a decision against England, then these +ships--British ships with British sailors--would be sent +to bombard England itself." + +"Exactly," said Mr. Bryan. "Isn't it beautifully simple? +And to guarantee its working properly," he continued, +"just in case we have to use the fleet against England, +we're going to ask Admiral Jellicoe himself to take +command." + +The Negro President slowly shook his head. + +"Marse Bryan," he said, "you notice what I say. I know +Marse Jellicoe. I done seen him lots of times when he +was just a lieutenant, down in the harbour of Port au +Prince. If youse folks put up this proposition to Marse +Jellicoe, he'll just tell the whole lot of you to go +plumb to--" + +But the close of the sentence was lost by a sudden +interruption. A servant entered with a folded telegram +in his hand. + +"For me?" said Mr. Bryan, with a winning smile. + +"For the President of Haiti, sir," said the man. + +The President took the telegram and opened it clumsily +with his finger and thumb amid a general silence. Then +he took from his pocket and adjusted a huge pair of +spectacles with a horn rim and began to read. + +"Well, I 'clare to goodness!" he said. + +"Who is it from ?" said Mr. Bryan. "Is it anything about +me?" + +The Negro President shook his head. + +"It's from Haiti," he said, "from my military secretary." + +"Read it, read it," cried the company. + +"_Come back home right away,_" read out the Negro President, +word by word. "_Everything is all right again. Joint +British and American Naval Squadron came into harbour +yesterday, landed fifty bluejackets and one midshipman. +Perfect order. Banks open. Bars open. Mule cars all +running again. Things fine. Going to have big dance at +your palace. Come right back._" + +The Negro President paused. + +"Gentlemen," he said, in a voice of great and deep relief, +"this lets me out. I guess I won't stay for the rest of +the discussion. I'll start for Haiti. I reckon there's +something in this Armed Force business after all." + + + + +XV. The White House from Without In + +Being Extracts from the Diary of a President of the United +States. + +MONDAY. Rose early. Swept out the White House. Cooked +breakfast. Prayers. Sat in the garden reading my book +on Congressional Government. What a wonderful thing it +is! Why doesn't Congress live up to it? Certainly a lovely +morning. Sat for some time thinking how beautiful the +world is. I defy anyone to make a better. Afterwards +determined to utter this defiance publicly and fearlessly. +Shall put in list of fearless defiances for July speeches. +Shall probably use it in Oklahoma. + +9.30 a.m. Bad news. British ship _Torpid_ torpedoed by +a torpedo. Tense atmosphere all over Washington. Retreated +instantly to the pigeon-house and shut the door. I must +_think_. At all costs. And no one shall hurry me. + +10 a.m. Have thought. Came out of pigeon-house. It is +all right. I wonder I didn't think of it sooner. The +point is perfectly simple. If Admiral Tirpitz torpedoed +the _Torpid_ with a torpedo, where's the torpedo Admiral +Tirpitz torped? In other words, how do they know it's a +torpedo? The idea seems absolutely overwhelming. Wrote +notes at once to England and to Germany. + +11 a.m. Gave out my idea to the Ass Press. Tense feeling +at Washington vanished instantly and utterly. Feeling +now loose. In fact everything splendid. Money became +easy at once. Marks rose. Exports jumped. Gold reserve +swelled. + +3 p.m. Slightly bad news. Appears there is trouble in +the Island of Piccolo Domingo. Looked it up on map. Is +one of the smaller West Indies. We don't own it. I imagine +Roosevelt must have overlooked it. An American has been +in trouble there: was refused a drink after closing time +and burnt down saloon. Is now in jail. Shall send at once +our latest battleship--the _Woodrow_--new design, both +ends alike, escorted by double-ended coal barges the +_Wilson_, the _President_, the _Professor_ and the +_Thinker_. Shall take firm stand on American rights. +Piccolo Domingo must either surrender the American alive, +or give him to us dead. + +TUESDAY. A lovely day. Rose early. Put flowers in all +the vases. Laid a wreath of early japonica beside my +egg-cup on the breakfast table. Cabinet to morning prayers +and breakfast. Prayed for better guidance. + +9 a.m. Trouble, bad trouble. First of all Roosevelt has +an interview in the morning papers in which he asks why +I don't treat Germany as I treat Piccolo Domingo. Now, +what a fool question! Can't he _see_ why? Roosevelt never +could see reason. Bryan also has an interview: wants to +know why I don't treat Piccolo Domingo as I treat Germany? +Doesn't he _know_ why? + +Result: strained feeling in Washington. Morning mail bad. + +10 a.m. British Admiralty communication. To the pigeon-house +at once. They offer to send piece of torpedo, fragment +of ship and selected portions of dead American citizens. + +Have come out of pigeon-house. Have cabled back: How do +they know it is a torpedo, how do they know it is a +fragment, how do they know he was an American who said +he was dead? + +My answer has helped. Feeling in Washington easier at +once. General buoyancy. Loans and discounts doubled. + +As I expected--a note from Germany. Chancellor very +explicit. Says not only did they not torpedo the _Torpid_, +but that on the day (whenever it was) that the steamer +was torpedoed they had no submarines at sea, no torpedoes +in their submarines, and nothing really explosive in +their torpedoes. Offers, very kindly, to fill in the date +of sworn statement as soon as we furnish accurate date +of incident. Adds that his own theory is that the _Torpid_ +was sunk by somebody throwing rocks at it from the shore. +Wish, somehow, that he had not added this argument. + +More bad news: Further trouble in Mexico. Appears General +Villa is not dead. He has again crossed the border, shot +up a saloon and retreated to the mountains of +Huahuapaxtapetl. Have issued instructions to have the +place looked up on the map and send the whole army to +it, but without in any way violating the neutrality of +Mexico. + +Late cables from England. Two more ships torpedoed. +American passenger lost. Name of Roosevelt. Christian +name not Theodore but William. Cabled expression of +regret. + +WEDNESDAY. Rose sad at heart. Did not work in garden. +Tried to weed a little grass along the paths but simply +couldn't. This is a cruel job. How was it that Roosevelt +grew stout on it? His nature must be different from mine. +What a miserable nature he must have. + +Received delegations. From Kansas, on the prospect of +the corn crop: they said the number of hogs in Kansas +will double. Congratulated them. From Idaho, on the +blight on the root crop: they say there will soon not be +a hog left in Idaho. Expressed my sorrow. From Michigan, +beet sugar growers urging a higher percentage of sugar +in beets. Took firm stand: said I stand where I stood +and I stood where I stand. They went away dazzled, +delighted. + +Mail and telegrams. British Admiralty. _Torpid_ Incident. +Send further samples. Fragment of valise, parts of cow-hide +trunk (dead passenger's luggage) which, they say, could +not have been made except in Nevada. + +Cabled that the incident is closed and that I stand where +I stood and that I am what I am. Situation in Washington +relieved at once. General feeling that I shall not make +war. + +Second Cable from England. The Two New Cases. Claim both +ships torpedoed. Offer proofs. Situation very grave. +Feeling in Washington very tense. Roosevelt out with a +signed statement, _What will the President Do?_ Surely +he knows what I will do. + +Cables from Germany. Chancellor now positive as to +_Torpid_. Sworn evidence that she was sunk by some one +throwing a rock. Sample of rock to follow. Communication +also from Germany regarding the New Cases. Draws attention +to fact that all of the crews who were not drowned were +saved. An important point. Assures this government that +everything ascertainable will be ascertained, but that +pending juridical verification any imperial exemplification +must be held categorically allegorical. How well these +Germans write! + +THURSDAY. A dull morning. Up early and read Congressional +Government. Breakfast. Prayers. We prayed for the United +States, for the citizens, for the Congress (both houses, +especially the Senate), and for the Cabinet. Is there +any one else? + +Trouble. Accident to naval flotilla _en route_ to Piccolo +Domingo. The new battleship the _Woodrow_ has broken +down. Fault in structure. Tried to go with both ends +first. Appeared impossible. Went sideways a little and +is sinking. Wireless from the barges the _Wilson_, the +_Thinker_ and others. They are standing by. They wire +that they will continue to stand by. Why on earth do they +do that? Shall cable them to act. + +Feeling in Washington gloomy. + +FRIDAY. Rose early and tried to sweep out the White House. +Had little heart for it. The dust gathers in the corners. +How did Roosevelt manage to keep it so clean? An idea! +I must get a vacuum cleaner! But where can I get a vacuum? +Took my head in my hands and thought: problem solved. +Can get the vacuum all right. + +Good news. Villa dead again. Feeling in Washington +relieved. + +Trouble. Ship torpedoed. News just came from the French +Government. Full-rigged ship, the _Ping-Yan_, sailing +out of Ping Pong, French Cochin China, and cleared for +Hoo-Ra, Indo-Arabia. No American citizens on board, but +one American citizen with ticket left behind on wharf at +Ping Pong. Claims damages. Complicated case. Feeling in +Washington much disturbed. Sterling exchange fell and +wouldn't get up. French Admiralty urge treaty of 1778. +German Chancellor admits torpedoing ship but denies that +it was full-rigged. Captain of submarine drew picture of +ship as it sank. His picture unlike any known ship of +French navy. + +SATURDAY. A day of trouble. Villa came to life and crossed +the border. Our army looking for him in Mexico: inquiry +by wire, are they authorised to come back? General Carranza +asks leave to invade Canada. Piccolo Domingo expedition +has failed. The _Woodrow_ is still sinking. The President +and the _Thinker_ cable that they are still standing by +and will continue to stand where they have stood. British +Admiralty sending shipload of fragments. German Admiralty +sending shipload of affidavits. Feeling in Washington +depressed to the lowest depths. Sterling sinking. Marks +falling. Exports dwindling. + +An idea: Is this job worth while? I wonder if Billy Sunday +would take it? + +Spent the evening watering the crocuses. Whoever is here +a year from now is welcome to them. They tell me that +Hughes hates crocuses. Watered them very carefully. + +SUNDAY. Good news! Just heard from Princeton University. +I am to come back, and everything will be forgiven and +forgotten. + + + + +Timid Thoughts on Timely Topics + + + + +XVI. Are the Rich Happy? + +Let me admit at the outset that I write this essay without +adequate material. I have never known, I have never seen, +any rich people. Very often I have thought that I had +found them. But it turned out that it was not so. They +were not rich at all. They were quite poor. They were +hard up. They were pushed for money. They didn't know +where to turn for ten thousand dollars. + +In all the cases that I have examined this same error +has crept in. I had often imagined, from the fact of +people keeping fifteen servants, that they were rich. I +had supposed that because a woman rode down town in a +limousine to buy a fifty-dollar hat, she must be well to +do. Not at all. All these people turn out on examination +to be not rich. They are cramped. They say it themselves. +Pinched, I think, is the word they use. When I see a +glittering group of eight people in a stage box at the +opera, I know that they are all pinched. The fact that +they ride home in a limousine has nothing to do with it. + +A friend of mine who has ten thousand dollars a year told +me the other day with a sigh that he found it quite +impossible to keep up with the rich. On his income he +couldn't do it. A family that I know who have twenty +thousand a year have told me the same thing. They can't +keep up with the rich. There is no use trying. A man that +I respect very much who has an income of fifty thousand +dollars a year from his law practice has told me with +the greatest frankness that he finds it absolutely +impossible to keep up with the rich. He says it is better +to face the brutal fact of being poor. He says he can +only give me a plain meal, what he calls a home dinner +--it takes three men and two women to serve it--and he +begs me to put up with it. + +As far as I remember, I have never met Mr. Carnegie. But +I know that if I did he would tell me that he found it +quite impossible to keep up with Mr. Rockefeller. No +doubt Mr. Rockefeller has the same feeling. + +On the other hand there are, and there must be rich +people, somewhere. I run across traces of them all the +time. The janitor in the building where I work has told +me that he has a rich cousin in England who is in the +South-Western Railway and gets ten pounds a week. He says +the railway wouldn't know what to do without him. In the +same way the lady who washes at my house has a rich uncle. +He lives in Winnipeg and owns his own house, clear, and +has two girls at the high school. + +But these are only reported cases of richness. I cannot +vouch for them myself. + +When I speak therefore of rich people and discuss whether +they are happy, it is understood that I am merely drawing +my conclusions from the people whom I see and know. + +My judgment is that the rich undergo cruel trials and +bitter tragedies of which the poor know nothing. + +In the first place I find that the rich suffer perpetually +from money troubles. The poor sit snugly at home while +sterling exchange falls ten points in a day. Do they +care? Not a bit. An adverse balance of trade washes over +the nation like a flood. Who have to mop it up? The +rich. Call money rushes up to a hundred per cent, and +the poor can still sit and laugh at a ten cent moving +picture show and forget it. + +But the rich are troubled by money all the time. + +I know a man, for example--his name is Spugg--whose +private bank account was overdrawn last month twenty +thousand dollars. He told me so at dinner at his club, +with apologies for feeling out of sorts. He said it was +bothering him. He said he thought it rather unfair of +his bank to have called his attention to it. I could +sympathise, in a sort of way, with his feelings. My own +account was overdrawn twenty cents at the time. I knew +that if the bank began calling in overdrafts it might be +my turn next. Spugg said he supposed he'd have to telephone +his secretary in the morning to sell some bonds and cover +it. It seemed an awful thing to have to do. Poor people +are never driven to this sort of thing. I have known +cases of their having to sell a little furniture, perhaps, +but imagine having to sell the very bonds out of one's +desk. There's a bitterness about it that the poor man +can never know. + +With this same man, Mr. Spugg, I have often talked of +the problem of wealth. He is a self-made man and he has +told me again and again that the wealth he has accumulated +is a mere burden to him. He says that he was much happier +when he had only the plain, simple things of life. Often +as I sit at dinner with him over a meal of nine courses, +he tells me how much he would prefer a plain bit of boiled +pork with a little mashed turnip. He says that if he had +his way he would make his dinner out of a couple of +sausages, fried with a bit of bread. I forgot what it is +that stands in his way. I have seen Spugg put aside his +glass of champagne--or his glass after he had drunk his +champagne--with an expression of something like contempt. +He says that he remembers a running creek at the back of +his father's farm where he used to lie at full length +upon the grass and drink his fill. Champagne, he says, +never tasted like that. I have suggested that he should +lie on his stomach on the floor of the club and drink a +saucerful of soda water. But he won't. + +I know well that my friend Spugg would be glad to be rid +of his wealth altogether, if such a thing were possible. +Till I understood about these things, I always imagined +that wealth could be given away. It appears that it +cannot. It is a burden that one must carry. Wealth, if +one has enough of it, becomes a form of social service. +One regards it as a means of doing good to the world, of +helping to brighten the lives of others--in a word, a +solemn trust. Spugg has often talked with me so long and +so late on this topic--the duty of brightening the lives +of others--that the waiter who held blue flames for his +cigarettes fell asleep against a door post, and the +chauffeur outside froze to the seat of his motor. + +Spugg's wealth, I say, he regards as a solemn trust. I +have often asked him why he didn't give it, for example, +to a college. But he tells me that unfortunately he is +not a college man. I have called his attention to the +need of further pensions for college professors; after +all that Mr. Carnegie and others have done, there are +still thousands and thousands of old professors of +thirty-five and even forty, working away day after day +and getting nothing but what they earn themselves, and +with no provision beyond the age of eighty-five. But Mr. +Spugg says that these men are the nation's heroes. Their +work is its own reward. + +But, after all, Mr. Spugg's troubles--for he is a single +man with no ties--are in a sense selfish. It is perhaps +in the homes, or more properly in the residences, of the +rich that the great silent tragedies are being enacted +every day--tragedies of which the fortunate poor know +and can know nothing. + +I saw such a case only a few nights ago at the house of +the Ashcroft-Fowlers, where I was dining. As we went in +to dinner, Mrs. Ashcroft-Fowler said in a quiet aside to +her husband, "Has Meadows spoken?" He shook his head +rather gloomily and answered, "No, he has said nothing +yet." I saw them exchange a glance of quiet sympathy and +mutual help, like people in trouble, who love one another. + +They were old friends and my heart beat for them. All +through the dinner as Meadows--he was their butler--poured +out the wine with each course, I could feel that some +great trouble was impending over my friends. + +After Mrs. Ashcroft-Fowler had risen and left us, and we +were alone over our port wine, I drew my chair near to +Fowler's and I said, "My dear Fowler, I'm an old friend +and you'll excuse me if I seem to be taking a liberty. +But I can see that you and your wife are in trouble." + +"Yes," he said very sadly and quietly, "we are." + +"Excuse me," I said. "Tell me--for it makes a thing easier +if one talks about it--is it anything about Meadows?" + +"Yes," he said, "it is about Meadows." + +There was silence for a moment, but I knew already what +Fowler was going to say. I could feel it coming. + +"Meadows," he said presently, constraining himself to +speak with as little emotion as possible, "is leaving +us." + +"Poor old chap!" I said, taking his hand. + +"It's hard, isn't it?" he said. "Franklin left last +winter--no fault of ours; we did everything we could +--and now Meadows." + +There was almost a sob in his voice. + +"He hasn't spoken definitely as yet," Fowler went on, +"but we know there's hardly any chance of his staying." + +"Does he give any reason?" I asked. + +"Nothing specific," said Fowler. "It's just a sheer case +of incompatibility. Meadows doesn't like us." + +He put his hand over his face and was silent. + +I left very quietly a little later, without going up to +the drawing-room. A few days afterwards I heard that +Meadows had gone. The Ashcroft-Fowlers, I am told, are +giving up in despair. They are going to take a little +suite of ten rooms and four baths in the Grand Palaver +Hotel, and rough it there for the winter. + +Yet one must not draw a picture of the rich in colours +altogether gloomy. There are cases among them of genuine, +light-hearted happiness. + +I have observed this is especially the case among those +of the rich who have the good fortune to get ruined, +absolutely and completely ruined. They may do this on +the Stock Exchange or by banking or in a dozen other +ways. The business side of getting ruined is not difficult. + +Once the rich are ruined, they are, as far as my observation +goes, all right. They can then have anything they want. + +I saw this point illustrated again just recently. I was +walking with a friend of mine and a motor passed bearing +a neatly dressed young man, chatting gaily with a pretty +woman. My friend raised his hat and gave it a jaunty and +cheery swing in the air as if to wave goodwill and +happiness. + +"Poor old Edward Overjoy!" he said, as the motor moved +out of sight. + +"What's wrong with him?" I asked. + +"Hadn't you heard?" said my friend. "He's ruined--absolutely +cleaned out--not a cent left." + +"Dear me!" I said. "That's awfully hard. I suppose he'll +have to sell that beautiful motor?" + +My friend shook his head. + +"Oh, no," he said. "He'll hardly do that. I don't think +his wife would care to sell that." + +My friend was right. The Overjoys have not sold their +motor. Neither have they sold their magnificent sandstone +residence. They are too much attached to it, I believe, +to sell it. Some people thought they would have given up +their box at the opera. But it appears not. They are too +musical to care to do that. Meantime it is a matter of +general notoriety that the Overjoys are absolutely ruined; +in fact, they haven't a single cent. You could buy +Overjoy--so I am informed--for ten dollars. + +But I observe that he still wears a seal-lined coat worth +at least five hundred. + + + + +XVII. Humour as I See It + +It is only fair that at the back of this book I should +be allowed a few pages to myself to put down some things +that I really think. + +Until two weeks ago I might have taken my pen in hand to +write about humour with the confident air of an acknowledged +professional. + +But that time is past. Such claim as I had has been taken +from me. In fact I stand unmasked. An English reviewer +writing in a literary journal, the very name of which is +enough to put contradiction to sleep, has said of my +writing, "What is there, after all, in Professor Leacock's +humour but a rather ingenious mixture of hyperbole and +myosis?" + +The man was right. How he stumbled upon this trade secret +I do not know. But I am willing to admit, since the truth +is out, that it has long been my custom in preparing an +article of a humorous nature to go down to the cellar +and mix up half a gallon of myosis with a pint of hyperbole. +If I want to give the article a decidedly literary +character, I find it well to put in about half a pint of +paresis. The whole thing is amazingly simple. + +But I only mention this by way of introduction and to +dispel any idea that I am conceited enough to write about +humour, with the professional authority of Ella Wheeler +Wilcox writing about love, or Eva Tanguay talking about +dancing. + +All that I dare claim is that I have as much sense of +humour as other people. And, oddly enough, I notice that +everybody else makes this same claim. Any man will admit, +if need be, that his sight is not good, or that he cannot +swim, or shoots badly with a rifle, but to touch upon +his sense of humour is to give him a mortal affront. + +"No," said a friend of mine the other day, "I never go +to Grand Opera," and then he added with an air of pride, +"You see, I have absolutely no ear for music." + +"You don't say so!" I exclaimed. + +"None!" he went on. "I can't tell one tune from another. +I don't know _Home, Sweet Home_ from _God Save the King_. +I can't tell whether a man is tuning a violin or playing +a sonata." + +He seemed to get prouder and prouder over each item of +his own deficiency. He ended by saying that he had a dog +at his house that had a far better ear for music than he +had. As soon as his wife or any visitor started to play +the piano the dog always began to howl--plaintively, he +said--as if it were hurt. He himself never did this. + +When he had finished I made what I thought a harmless +comment. + +"I suppose," I said, "that you find your sense of humour +deficient in the same way: the two generally go together." + +My friend was livid with rage in a moment. + +"Sense of humour!" he said. "My sense of humour! Me +without a sense of humour! Why, I suppose I've a keener +sense of humour than any man, or any two men, in this +city!" + +From that he turned to bitter personal attack. He said +that _my_ sense of humour seemed to have withered +altogether. + +He left me, still quivering with indignation. + +Personally, however, I do not mind making the admission, +however damaging it may be, that there are certain forms +of so-called humour, or, at least, fun, which I am quite +unable to appreciate. Chief among these is that ancient +thing called the Practical Joke. + +"You never knew McGann, did you?" a friend of mine asked +me the other day. + +When I said I had never known McGann, he shook his head +with a sigh, and said: + +"Ah, you should have known McGann. He had the greatest +sense of humour of any man I ever knew--always full of +jokes. I remember one night at the boarding-house where +we were, he stretched a string across the passage-way +and then rang the dinner bell. One of the boarders broke +his leg. We nearly died laughing." + +"Dear me!" I said. "What a humorist! Did he often do +things like that?" + +"Oh, yes, he was at them all the time. He used to put +tar in the tomato soup, and beeswax and tin-tacks on the +chairs. He was full of ideas. They seemed to come to him +without any trouble." + +McGann, I understand, is dead. I am not sorry for it. +Indeed, I think that for most of us the time has gone by +when we can see the fun of putting tacks on chairs, or +thistles in beds, or live snakes in people's boots. + +To me it has always seemed that the very essence of good +humour is that it must be without harm and without malice. +I admit that there is in all of us a certain vein of the +old original demoniacal humour or joy in the misfortune +of another which sticks to us like our original sin. It +ought not to be funny to see a man, especially a fat and +pompous man, slip suddenly on a banana skin. But it is. +When a skater on a pond who is describing graceful circles, +and showing off before the crowd, breaks through the ice +and gets a ducking, everybody shouts with joy. To the +original savage, the cream of the joke in such cases was +found if the man who slipped broke his neck, or the man +who went through the ice never came up again. I can +imagine a group of prehistoric men standing round the +ice-hole where he had disappeared and laughing till their +sides split. If there had been such a thing as a prehistoric +newspaper, the affair would have headed up: "_Amusing +Incident. Unknown Gentleman Breaks Through Ice and Is +Drowned._" + +But our sense of humour under civilisation has been +weakened. Much of the fun of this sort of thing has been +lost on us. + +Children, however, still retain a large share of this +primitive sense of enjoyment. + +I remember once watching two little boys making snow-balls +at the side of the street and getting ready a little +store of them to use. As they worked, there came along +an old man wearing a silk hat, and belonging by appearance +to the class of "jolly old gentlemen." When he saw the +boys his gold spectacles gleamed with kindly enjoyment. +He began waving his arms and calling, "Now, then, boys, +free shot at me! free shot!" In his gaiety he had, without +noticing it, edged himself over the sidewalk on to the +street. An express cart collided with him and knocked +him over on his back in a heap of snow. He lay there +gasping and trying to get the snow off his face and +spectacles. The boys gathered up their snow-balls and +took a run toward him. "Free shot!" they yelled. "Soak +him! Soak him!" + +I repeat, however, that for me, as I suppose for most of +us, it is a prime condition of humour that it must be +without harm or malice, nor should it convey incidentally +any real picture of sorrow or suffering or death. There +is a great deal in the humour of Scotland (I admit its +general merit) which seems to me not being a Scotchman, +to sin in this respect. Take this familiar story (I quote +it as something already known and not for the sake of +telling it). + +A Scotchman had a sister-in-law--his wife's sister--with +whom he could never agree. He always objected to going +anywhere with her, and in spite of his wife's entreaties +always refused to do so. The wife was taken mortally ill +and as she lay dying, she whispered, "John, ye'll drive +Janet with you to the funeral, will ye no?" The Scotchman, +after an internal struggle, answered, "Margaret, I'll do +it for ye, but it'll spoil my day." + +Whatever humour there may be in this is lost for me by +the actual and vivid picture that it conjures up--the +dying wife, the darkened room and the last whispered +request. + +No doubt the Scotch see things differently. That wonderful +people--whom personally I cannot too much admire--always +seem to me to prefer adversity to sunshine, to welcome +the prospect of a pretty general damnation, and to live +with grim cheerfulness within the very shadow of death. +Alone among the nations they have converted the devil +--under such names as Old Horny--into a familiar +acquaintance not without a certain grim charm of his own. +No doubt also there enters into their humour something +of the original barbaric attitude towards things. For a +primitive people who saw death often and at first hand, +and for whom the future world was a vivid reality that +could be _felt_, as it were, in the midnight forest and +heard in the roaring storm, it was no doubt natural to +turn the flank of terror by forcing a merry and jovial +acquaintance with the unseen world. Such a practice as +a wake, and the merry-making about the corpse, carry us +back to the twilight of the world, with the poor savage +in his bewildered misery, pretending that his dead still +lived. Our funeral with its black trappings and its +elaborate ceremonies is the lineal descendant of a +merry-making. Our undertaker is, by evolution, a genial +master of ceremonies, keeping things lively at the +death-dance. Thus have the ceremonies and the trappings +of death been transformed in the course of ages till the +forced gaiety is gone, and the black hearse and the gloomy +mutes betoken the cold dignity of our despair. + +But I fear this article is getting serious. I must +apologise. + +I was about to say, when I wandered from the point, that +there is another form of humour which I am also quite +unable to appreciate. This is that particular form of +story which may be called, _par excellence_, the English +Anecdote. It always deals with persons of rank and birth, +and, except for the exalted nature of the subject itself, +is, as far as I can see, absolutely pointless. + +This is the kind of thing that I mean. + +"His Grace the Fourth Duke of Marlborough was noted for +the open-handed hospitality which reigned at Blenheim, +the family seat, during his regime. One day on going in +to luncheon it was discovered that there were thirty +guests present, whereas the table only held covers for +twenty-one. 'Oh, well,' said the Duke, not a whit abashed, +'some of us will have to eat standing up.' Everybody, of +course, roared with laughter." + +My only wonder is that they didn't kill themselves with +it. A mere roar doesn't seem enough to do justice to such +a story as this. + +The Duke of Wellington has been made the storm-centre of +three generations of wit of this sort. In fact the typical +Duke of Wellington story has been reduced to a thin +skeleton such as this: + +"A young subaltern once met the Duke of Wellington coming +out of Westminster Abbey. 'Good morning, your Grace,' he +said, 'rather a wet morning.' 'Yes' said the Duke, with +a very rigid bow, 'but it was a damn sight wetter, sir, +on the morning of Waterloo.' The young subaltern, rightly +rebuked, hung his head." + +Nor is it only the English who sin in regard to anecdotes. + +One can indeed make the sweeping assertion that the +telling of stories as a mode of amusing others ought to +be kept within strict limits. Few people realise how +extremely difficult it is to tell a story so as to +reproduce the real fun of it--to "get it over" as the +actors say. The mere "facts" of a story seldom make it +funny. It needs the right words, with every word in its +proper place. Here and there, perhaps once in a hundred +times, a story turns up which needs no telling. The humour +of it turns so completely on a sudden twist or incongruity +in the _denouement_ of it that no narrator, however +clumsy, can altogether fumble it. + +Take, for example, this well-known instance--a story +which, in one form or other, everybody has heard. + +"George Grossmith, the famous comedian, was once badly +run down and went to consult a doctor. It happened that +the doctor, though, like everybody else, he had often +seen Grossmith on the stage, had never seen him without +his make-up and did not know him by sight. He examined +his patient, looked at his tongue, felt his pulse and +tapped his lungs. Then he shook his head. 'There's nothing +wrong with you, sir,' he said, 'except that you're run +down from overwork and worry. You need rest and amusement. +Take a night off and go and see George Grossmith at the +Savoy.' 'Thank you,' said the patient, 'I _am_ George +Grossmith.'" + +Let the reader please observe that I have purposely told +this story all wrongly, just as wrongly as could be, and +yet there is something left of it. Will the reader kindly +look back to the beginning of it and see for himself just +how it ought to be narrated and what obvious error has +been made? If he has any particle of the artist in his +make-up, he will see at once that the story ought to +begin: + +"One day a very haggard and nervous-looking patient called +at the house of a fashionable doctor, etc. etc." + +In other words, the chief point of the joke lies in +keeping it concealed till the moment when the patient +says, "Thank you, I am George Grossmith." But the story +is such a good one that it cannot be completely spoiled +even when told wrongly. This particular anecdote has been +variously told of George Grossmith, Coquelin, Joe Jefferson, +John Hare, Cyril Maude, and about sixty others. And I +have noticed that there is a certain type of man who, on +hearing this story about Grossmith, immediately tells it +all back again, putting in the name of somebody else, +and goes into new fits of laughter over it, as if the +change of name made it brand new. + +But few people, I repeat, realise the difficulty of +reproducing a humorous or comic effect in its original +spirit. + +"I saw Harry Lauder last night," said Griggs, a Stock +Exchange friend of mine, as we walked up town together +the other day. "He came on to the stage in kilts" (here +Grigg started to chuckle) "and he had a slate under his +arm" (here Griggs began to laugh quite heartily), "and +he said, 'I always like to carry a slate with me' (of +course he said it in Scotch but I can't do the Scotch +the way he does it) 'just in case there might be any +figures I'd be wanting to put down'" (by this time, +Griggs was almost suffocated with laughter)--"and he took +a little bit-of chalk out of his pocket, and he said" +(Griggs was now almost hysterical), "'I like to carry a +wee bit chalk along because I find the slate is'" (Griggs +was now faint with laughter) "'the slate is--is--not +much good without the chalk.'" + +Griggs had to stop, with his hand to his side, and lean +against a lamp-post. "I can't, of course, do the Scotch +the way Harry Lauder does it," he repeated. + +Exactly. He couldn't do the Scotch and he couldn't do +the rich mellow voice of Mr. Lauder and the face beaming +with merriment, and the spectacles glittering with +amusement, and he couldn't do the slate, nor the "wee +bit chalk"--in fact he couldn't do any of it. He ought +merely to have said, "Harry Lauder," and leaned up against +a post and laughed till he had got over it. + +Yet in spite of everything, people insist on spoiling +conversation by telling stories. I know nothing more +dreadful at a dinner table than one of these amateur +raconteurs--except perhaps, two of them. After about +three stories have been told, there falls on the dinner +table an uncomfortable silence, in which everybody is +aware that everybody else is trying hard to think of +another story, and is failing to find it. There is no +peace in the gathering again till some man of firm and +quiet mind turns to his neighbour and says, "But after +all there is no doubt that whether we like it or not +prohibition is coming." Then everybody in his heart says, +"Thank heaven!" and the whole tableful are happy and +contented again, till one of the story-tellers "thinks +of another," and breaks loose. + +Worst of all perhaps is the modest story-teller who is +haunted by the idea that one has heard this story before. +He attacks you after this fashion: + +"I heard a very good story the other day on the steamer +going to Bermuda"--then he pauses with a certain doubt +in his face--"but perhaps you've heard this?" + +"No, no, I've never been to Bermuda. Go ahead." + +"Well, this is a story that they tell about a man who +went down to Bermuda one winter to get cured of rheumatism +--but you've heard this?" + +"No, no." + +"Well he had rheumatism pretty bad and he went to Bermuda +to get cured of it. And so when he went into the hotel +he said to the clerk at the desk--but, perhaps you know +this." + +"No, no, go right ahead." + +"Well, he said to the clerk, 'I want a room that looks +out over the sea'--but perhaps--" + +Now the sensible thing to do is to stop the narrator +right at this point. Say to him quietly and firmly, "Yes, +I have heard that story. I always liked it ever since it +came out in _Tit Bits_ in 1878, and I read it every time +I see it. Go on and tell it to me and I'll sit back with +my eyes closed and enjoy it." + +No doubt the story-telling habit owes much to the fact +that ordinary people, quite unconsciously, rate humour +very low: I mean, they underestimate the difficulty of +"making humour." It would never occur to them that the +thing is hard, meritorious and dignified. Because the +result is gay and light, they think the process must be. +Few people would realise that it is much harder to write +one of Owen Seaman's "funny" poems in _Punch_ than to +write one of the Archbishop of Canterbury's sermons. Mark +Twain's _Huckleberry Finn_ is a greater work than Kant's +_Critique of Pure Reason_, and Charles Dickens's creation +of Mr. Pickwick did more for the elevation of the human +race--I say it in all seriousness--than Cardinal Newman's +_Lead, Kindly Light, Amid the Encircling Gloom_. Newman +only cried out for light in the gloom of a sad world. +Dickens gave it. + +But the deep background that lies behind and beyond what +we call humour is revealed only to the few who, by instinct +or by effort, have given thought to it. The world's +humour, in its best and greatest sense, is perhaps the +highest product of our civilisation. One thinks here not +of the mere spasmodic effects of the comic artist or the +blackface expert of the vaudeville show, but of the really +great humour which, once or twice in a generation at +best, illuminates and elevates our literature. It is no +longer dependent upon the mere trick and quibble of words, +or the odd and meaningless incongruities in things that +strike us as "funny." Its basis lies in the deeper +contrasts offered by life itself: the strange incongruity +between our aspiration and our achievement, the eager +and fretful anxieties of to-day that fade into nothingness +to-morrow, the burning pain and the sharp sorrow that +are softened in the gentle retrospect of time, till as +we look back upon the course that has been traversed we +pass in view the panorama of our lives, as people in old +age may recall, with mingled tears and smiles, the angry +quarrels of their childhood. And here, in its larger +aspect, humour is blended with pathos till the two are +one, and represent, as they have in every age, the mingled +heritage of tears and laughter that is our lot on earth. + + +END + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Further Foolishness, by Stephen Leacock + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11504 *** |