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diff --git a/old/11491-8.txt b/old/11491-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1eab151 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11491-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2119 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, +October 31, 1917, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, October 31, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 7, 2004 [EBook #11491] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 153 *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 153. + + + +October 31, 1917. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The Ministry of Food has informed the Twickenham Food Control +Committee that a doughnut is not a bun. Local unrest has been almost +completely allayed by this prompt and fearless decision. + + *** + +Many London grocers are asking customers to hand in orders on Monday +to ensure delivery within a week. In justice to a much-abused State +department it must be pointed out that telegrams are frequently +delivered within that period without any absurd restriction as to the +day of handing in. + + *** + +No more hotels in London, says Sir ALFRED MOND, are to be taken +over at present by the Government, which since the War began has +commandeered nearly three hundred buildings. We understand, however, +that a really spectacular offensive is being prepared for the Spring. + + *** + +Several parties of Germans who escaped from internment camps have been +recaptured with comparative ease. It is supposed that their gentle +natures could no longer bear the spectacle of the sacrifices that the +simple Briton is enduring in order that they may be well fed. + + *** + +The _Globe_ has just published an article entitled "The End of the +World." Our rosy contemporary is far too pessimistic, we feel. Mr. +CHURCHILL'S appointment as Minister of the Air has not yet been +officially announced. + + *** + +The _Vossische Zeitung_ reports that the KAISER refuses to accept the +resignation of Admiral VON CAPELLE. The career of Germany's Naval +chief seems to be dogged by persistent bad luck. + + *** + +Another scoop for _The Daily Telegraph._ "On October 14, 1066, at nine +A.M.," said a recent issue, "the Battle of Hastings commenced." + + *** + +We fear that our allotment-holders are losing their dash. The pumpkin +grown at Burwash Place, which measured six feet in circumference, is +still a pumpkin and not a potato. + + *** + +The Grimsby magistrates have decided not to birch boys in the future, +but to fine their parents. Several soft-hearted boys have already +indicated that it will hurt them more than their parents. + + *** + +A female defendant at a London police court last week was given the +choice of prison or marriage, and preferred to get married. How like +a woman! + + *** + +A correspondent protests against the high prices paid for old +postage-stamps at a recent sale, and points out that stamps can be +obtained at one penny each at most post-offices, all ready for use. + + *** + +A North of England lady last week climbed to the top of the +chimney-stack of a large munition works and affixed a silver coin in +the masonry. The lady is thought to be nervous of pickpockets. + + *** + +A contemporary wit declares that nothing gives him more pleasure +than to see golfers at dinner. He loves to watch them doing the soup +course, using one iron all the way round. + + *** + +There is no truth in the rumour that during a recent air-raid a man +was caught on the roof of a certain Government building in Whitehall +signalling to the Germans where not to drop their bombs. + + *** + +It should be added that the practice of giving air-raid warnings by +notice published in the following morning's papers has been abandoned +only after the most exhaustive tests. + + *** + +The Home Office announces that while it has not definitely decided +upon the method of giving warnings at night it will probably be by +gun fire. To distinguish this fire from the regular barrage it is +ingeniously suggested that the guns employed for the latter purpose +shall be painted blue, or some other distinctive colour. + + *** + +It is reported that Sinn Fein's second-best war-cry, "Up the KAISER," +is causing some irritation in the Wilhelmstrasse, where it is +freely admitted that the KAISER is already far higher up than the +circumstances justify. + + *** + +The Lambeth magistrate recently referred to the case of a boy of +fifteen who is paying income-tax. Friends of the youth have since been +heard to say that there is such a thing as carrying the spirit of +reckless bravado too far. + + *** + +"Farm work is proceeding slowly," says a Midland correspondent of the +Food Production Department. Those who recall the impetuous abandon of +the pre-war agriculturist may well ask whether Boloism has not been +work at again. + + *** + +Railway fares in Germany have been doubled; but it is doubtful if +this transparent artifice will prevent the KAISER from going about +the place making speeches to his troops on all the fronts. + + *** + +It is announced that promotion in the U.S. services will be based +solely on fitness, without regard to seniority. These are the sort of +revolutionists who would cover up grave defects in army organisation +by the meretricious expedient of winning the War. + + *** + +Inquiries, says _The Pall Mall Gazette_, disclose a wide-spread habit +among customers of bribing the assistants in grocery shops. The custom +among profiteers of giving them their cast-off motor cars probably +acted as the thin end of the wedge. + + *** + +A dear old lady writes that she is no longer nervous about air-raids, +now that her neighbourhood has been provided with an anticraft airgun. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE AIR-RAID SEASON. + +THE RESULT OF A LITTLE UNASSUMING ADVERTISEMENT: "CELLARMAN +WANTED.--APPLY, 82, ---- STREET, W."] + + * * * * * + +FOOD ECONOMY IN IRELAND. + + "Gloves, stockings, boots and shoes betoken the energy and meal + of the day, something tasty is desirable, and a very economical + dish of this kind can be made by making..."--_Belfast Evening + Telegraph._ + + * * * * * + +ZEPP-FLIGHTING IN THE HAUTES ALPES. + +_TO J.M._ + + Recall, dear John, a certain day + Back in the times of long ago-- + A stuffy old estaminet + Under the great peaks fledged with snow; + The Spring that set our hearts rejoicing + As up the serried mountains' bar + We climbed our tortuous way Rolls-Roycing + From Gap to Col Bayard. + + Little we dreamed, though that high air + Quickens imagination's flight, + What monstrous bird and very rare + Would in these parts some day alight; + How, like a roc of Arab fable, + A Zepp _en route_ from London town, + Trying to find its German stable, + Would here come blundering down. + + The swallows--you remember? yes?-- + Northward, just then, were heading straight; + No hint they dropped by which to guess + That other fowl's erratic fate; + An inner sense supplied their vision; + Not one of them contused his scalp + Or lost his feathers in collision + Bumping against an Alp. + + But they, the Zepp-birds, flopped and barged + From Lunéville to Valescure + (Where we of old have often charged + The bunkers of the Côte d'Azur); + And half a brace--so strange and far a + Course to the South it had to shape-- + Is still expected in Sahara + Or possibly the Cape. + + In happier autumns you and I + (You by your art and I by luck) + Have pulled the pheasant off the sky + Or flogged to death the flighting duck; + But never yet--how few the chances + Of pouching so superb a swag-- + Have we achieved a feat like France's + Immortal gas-bag bag. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +PURPLE PATCHES FROM LORD YORICK'S GREAT BOOK. + +(_SPECIAL REVIEW_.) + +Lord Yorick's _Reminiscences_, just published by the house of Hussell, +abound in genial anecdote, in which the "personal note" is lightly and +gracefully struck, in welcome contrast to the stodgy political memoirs +with which we have been surfeited of late. We append some extracts, +culled at random from these jocund pages:-- + +THE SHAH'S ROMANCE. + +"I don't suppose it is a State secret--but if it is there can be no +harm in divulging the fact--that there was some thought of a marriage +in the 'eighties' between the Shah of PERSIA and the lovely Miss +Malory, the lineal descendant of the famous author of the Arthurian +epic. Mr. GLADSTONE, Mme. DE NOVIKOFF and the Archbishop of CANTERBURY +were prime movers in the negotiations. But the SHAH'S table manners +and his obstinate refusal to be converted to the doctrines of +the Anglican Church, on which Miss Malory insisted, proved an +insurmountable obstacle, and the arrangement, which might have been +fraught with inestimable advantages to Persia, came to nought. Miss +Malory afterwards became Lady Yorick." + +PRACTICAL JOKING AT OXFORD IN THE "SIXTIES." + +"Jimmy Greene, afterwards Lord Havering, whose rooms were just below +mine, suffered a good deal from practical jokers. One day I was +chatting with Reggie Wragge when we heard loud cries for help just +below us. We rushed down and found Jimmy in the bath, struggling with +a large conger-eel which had been introduced by some of his friends. +I held on to the monster's tail, while Wragge severed its head with +a carving-knife. Poor Jimmy, who was always nervous and not very +'strong in his intellects,' was much upset, and was shortly afterwards +ploughed for the seventh time in Smalls. He afterwards went into +diplomacy, but died young." + +MRS. MANGOLD'S COMPLEXION. + +"At one of these dances at Yorick Castle Mrs. Mangold, afterwards +Lady Rootham, was staying with us. She was a very handsome woman, +with a wonderful complexion, so brilliant, indeed, that some sceptics +believed it to be artificial. A plot was accordingly hatched to +solve the problem, and during a set of Kitchen Lancers a syphon of +soda-water was cleverly squirted full in her face, but the colour +remained fast. Mrs. Mangold, I am sorry to say, failed to see the +point of the joke, and fled to her room, pursued as far as the +staircase by a score or more of cheering sportsmen." + +THE ORDEAL OF LADY VERBENA SOPER. + +"Mr. GOSCHEN, as he then was, was entertaining a large party to dinner +at Whitehall. He was at the time First Lord of the Admiralty, and an +awkward waiter upset an ice-pudding down the back of Lady Verbena +Soper, sister of Lady 'Loofah' Soper and daughter of the Earl of +Latherham, The poor lady cried out, 'I'm scalded!' but our host, +with great presence of mind, dashed out, returning with a bundle of +blankets and a can of hot water, which he promptly poured on to the +ice-pudding. The sufferer was then wrapped up in the blankets and +carried off to bed; The waiter was of course sacked on the spot, but +was saved from prosecution at the express request of his victim and +assisted to emigrate to America, where I believe he did well on an +orange farm in Florida." + + * * * * * + +IN A GOOD CAUSE. + +There is no War-charity known to Mr. Punch that does better work or +more quietly than that which is administered by the Children's Aid +Committee, who provide homes in country cottages and farm-houses for +children, most of them motherless, of our soldiers and sailors, visit +them from time to time and watch over their needs. Here in these homes +their fathers, who are kept informed of their children's welfare +during their absence, come to see them when on leave from the Front, +and find them gently cared for. Since the War began homes have been +provided for over two thousand four hundred children. A certain +grant in aid is allowed by the London War Pensions Committee, who +have learned to depend upon the Children's Aid Committee in their +difficulties about children, but for the most part this work relies +upon voluntary help, and without advertisement. Of the money that came +into the Committee's hands last year only about two per cent. was paid +away for salaries and office expenses. + +More than a year ago Mr. Punch appealed on behalf of this labour of +love, and now he begs his readers to renew the generous response which +they made at that time. Gifts of money and clothing, and offers of +hospitality, will be gratefully acknowledged by Miss MAXWELL LYTE, +Hon. Treasurer of the Children's Aid Committee, 50, South Molton +Street, London, W. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VIVE LA CHASSE! + +[With Mr. Punch's compliments to our gallant Allies on their bag of +Zepps.]] + + * * * * * + +STRONGER THAN HERSELF. + +In an assortment of nieces, totalling nine in all--but two of them, +being still, in Sir WALTER'S phrase, composed of "that species of pink +dough which is called a fine infant" do not count--I think that my +favourites are Enid and Hannah. Enid being the daughter of a brother +of mine, and Hannah of a sister, they are cousins. They are also +collaborators in literature and joint editors of a magazine for family +consumption entitled _The Attic Salt-Cellar_. The word "Attic" refers +to the situation of the editorial office, which is up a very perilous +ladder, and "salt-cellar" was a suggestion of my own, which, though +adopted, is not yet understood. + +During the search for pseudonyms for the staff--the pseudonym is an +essential in home journalism, and the easiest way of securing it is +to turn one's name round--we came upon the astonishing discovery that +Hannah is exactly the same whether you spell it backwards or forwards. +Hannah therefore calls herself, again at my suggestion, "Pal," +which is short for "palindrome." We also discovered, to her intense +delight, that Enid, when reversed, makes "Dine"--a pleasant word but +a poor pseudonym. She therefore calls herself after her pet flower, +"Marigold." + +Between them Pal and Marigold do all the work. There is room for an +epigram if you happen to have one about you, or even an ode, but they +can get along without outside contributions. Enid does most of the +writing and Hannah copies it out. + +So much for prelude to the story of Enid's serial. Having observed +that all the most popular periodicals have serial stories she decided +that she must write one too. It was called "The Prairie Lily," and +begun splendidly. I give the list of characters at the head of the +first instalment:-- + +_The Duke of Week_, an angry father and member of the House of Lords. + +_The Duchess of Week_, his wife, once famous for her beauty. + +_Lady Lily_, their daughter, aged nineteen and very lovely. + +_Mr. Ploot_, an American millionaire who loves the Lady Lily. + +_Lord Eustace Vavasour_, the Lady Lily's cousin, who loves her. + +_Jack Crawley_, a young farmer and the one that the Lady Lily loves. + +_Fanny Starlight_, a poor relation and the Lady Lily's very closest +friend. + +_Webb_, the Lady Lily's maid. + +Such were the characters when the story began, and at the end of the +first instalment the author, with very great ingenuity--or perhaps +with only a light-hearted disregard of probability--got the whole +bunch of them on a liner going to America. The last sentence described +the vessel gliding away from the dock, with the characters leaning +over the side waving good-bye. Even Jack Crawley, the young farmer, +was there; but he was not waving with the others, because he did not +want anyone to know that he knew the Lady Lily, or was on board at +all. Lord Eustace was on one side of the Lady Lily as she waved, +and Mr. Ploot on the other, and they were, of course, consumed with +jealousy of each other. + +Having read the first instalment, with the author's eye fixed +embarrassingly upon me, and the author giggling as she watched, I said +that it was very interesting; as indeed it was. I went on to ask what +part of America they were all going to, and how it would end, and so +on; and Enid sketched the probable course of events, which included +a duel for Lord Eustace and Mr. Ploot (who turned out to be not a +millionaire at all, but a gentleman thief) and a very exciting time +for the Lady Lily on a ranche in Texas, whither she had followed Jack +Crawley, who was to become famous throughout the States as "The Cowboy +King." I forget about the Duke and Duchess, but a lover was to be +found on the ranche for Fanny Starlight; and Red Indians were to carry +off Webb, who was to be rescued by the Cowboy King; and so on. There +were, in short, signs that Enid had not only read the feuilletons in +the picture papers but had been to the Movies too. But no matter what +had influenced her, the story promised well. + +Judge then my surprise when on opening the next number of _The Attic +Salt-Cellar_ I found that the instalment of the serial consisted only +of the following:-- + + THE PRAIRIE LILY. + + CHAPTER II. + + All went merrily on the good ship _Astarte_ until the evening of + the third day out, when it ran into another and larger ship and + was sunk with all hands. No one was saved. + + THE END. + +"But, my dear," I said, "you can't write novels like that." + +"Why not, Uncle Dick?" Enid asked. + +"Because it's not playing the game," I said. "After arousing +everyone's interest and exciting us with the first chapter, you can't +stop it all like this." + +"But it happened," she replied. "Ships often sink, Uncle Dick, and +this one sank." + +"Well, that's all right," I said, "but, my dear child, why drown +everyone? Why not let your own people be saved? Not the Duke and +Duchess, perhaps, but the others. Think of all those jolly things +that were going to happen in Texas, and the duel, and--" + +"Yes, I know," she replied sadly. "It's horrid to have to give them +up, but I couldn't help it. The ship would sink and no one was saved. +I shall have to begin another." + +There's a conscience for you! There's realism! Enid should go far. + +I have been wondering if there are any other writers of serial stories +whose readers would not suffer if similar visitations of inevitability +came to them. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DO TELL ME, UNCLE, ALL ABOUT THIS PERSIFLAGE YOU PUT +ON YOUR TENTS."] + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "SOME OF THE FREAKS FOUND IN NATURE + DOG MOTHERS TURKEYS + IRISH PEERESS IN KHAKI." + + _Toronto Star Weekly._ + + * * * * * + + "Attracted by anti-aircraft guns the Zeppelin bounded + upwards."--_Daily Chronicle_. + +That was in France. In England the lack of firing (according to our +pusillanimous critics) was positively repulsive. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tommy_. "'ANDS UP, ALL OF YER, I'M GOIN' ON LEAVE +TERMORRER. AIN'T GOT NO TIME TO WASTE."] + + * * * * * + +OUR INNOCENT SUBALTERNS. + +The leave-boat had come into port and there was the usual jam +around the gangways. On the quay at the foot of one of them was a +weary-looking officer performing the ungrateful task of detailing +officers for tours of duty with the troops. He had squares of white +cardboard in his hand, and here and there, as the officers trooped +down the gangway, he picked out a young and inoffensive-looking +subaltern and subpoenaed him. + +I chanced to notice a young and rosy-cheeked second-lieutenant, +innocent of the ways of this rude world, and I knew he was doomed. + +As he passed out on to the wharf I saw him receive one of those white +cards; he was also told to report to the corporal at the end of the +quay. + +I saw him slip behind a truck, where he left his bag and haversack, +his gloves and his cane, and when he reappeared on the far side he had +on his rain-coat, without stars. He had also altered the angle of his +cap. + +He waited near the foot of the other gangway, which was unguarded. I +drew nearer to see what he would do. Presently down the plank came +an oldish man--a lieutenant with a heavy moustache and two African +ribbons. My young friend stepped forward. + +"You are detailed for duty," I heard him say. "You will report to the +N.C.O. at the end of the quay." His intonation was a model for the +Staff College. + +"Curse the thing! I knew I should be nabbed for duty," I heard the +veteran growl as he strode off with the white card... + +I met the young man later at the Hotel ----, where he had had the +foresight to wire for a room. As I had failed to do this, I was glad +to avail myself of his kind offer to share his accommodation. After +such hospitality I could not refuse him a lift in my car, as we were +both bound for the same part of the country. + +I did not learn until afterwards that a preliminary chat with my +chauffeur had preceded his hospitable advances. Whenever anybody tells +me that our subalterns of to-day lack _savoir faire_ or that they are +deficient in tactical initiative, I tell him that he lies. + + * * * * * + + "A Bachelor, 38, wishes meet Protestant, born 4th Sept., 1899, + or 17th, 18th Sept., 1886, plain looks; poverty no barrier; view + matrimony."--_The Age (Melbourne)_. + +For so broad-minded a man he seems curiously fastidious about dates. + + * * * * * + +HUMOURS OF THE WAR OFFICE. + +THE EXCHANGE. + + Captain A. and Captain B., + The one was in F, the other in E, + The one was rheumatic and shrank from wet feet, + The other had sunstroke and dreaded the heat. + + "If we could exchange," wrote B. to A., + "We should both keep fitter (the doctors say)," + And, A. agreeing, they humbly prayed + The great War Office to lend its aid. + + In less than a month they got replies, + A letter to each of the self-same size; + A.'s was: "Yes, you'll exchange with B."; + B.'s was: "No, you'll remain in E." + + * * * * * + +OUR MODEST PUBLICISTS. + + "I felt it to be my duty to say that and I said it; and, of + course, nobody took any notice."--_Mr. Robert Blatchford, in + "The Sunday Chronicle."_ + + * * * * * + + "CHRISTIANA, Thursday. + + Several hours' violent cannonading was heard in the Skagerack. + + Norwegian torpedoes proceeded thither to investigate."--_Toowoomba + Chronicle_ (_Queensland_). + +Intelligent creatures, they poke their noses into everything. + + * * * * * + +BEASTS ROYAL. + +VI. + +KING GEORGE'S DALMATIAN. A.D. 1823. + + Yellow wheels and red wheels, and wheels that squeak and roar, + Big buttons, brown wigs, and many capes of buff ... + Someone's bound for Sussex, in a coach-and-four; + And, when the long whips crack, + Running at the back + Barks the swift Dalmatian, whose spots are seven-score. + + White dust and grey dust, fleeting tree and tower, + Brass horns and copper horns, blowing loud and bluff ... + Someone's bound for Sussex, at eleven miles an hour; + And, when the long horns blow, + From the wheels below + Barks the swift Dalmatian, tongued like an apple-flower. + + Big domes and little domes, donkey-carts that jog, + High stocks and low pumps and admirable snuff ... + Someone strolls at Brighton, not very much incog.; + And, panting on the grass, + In his collar bossed with brass, + Lies the swift Dalmatian, the KING's plum-pudding dog. + + * * * * * + +CAMOUFLAGE CONVERSATION. + +It came as a shock to the Brigade Major that the brigade on his left +had omitted to let him know the time of their projected raid that +night. It came as a shock all the more because it was the General +himself who first noticed the omission, and it is a golden rule for +Brigade Majors that they should always be the first to think of +things. + +"Ring 'em up and ask," said the General. "Don't, of course, mention +the word 'raid' on the telephone. Call it--um--ah, oh, call it +anything you like so long as they understand what you mean." + +At times, to the casual eavesdropper, strange things must appear to +be going on in the British lines. It must be a matter of surprise, to +such a one, that the British troops can think it worth their while to +inform each other at midnight that "Two Emperors of Pongo have become +attached to Annie Laurie." Nor would it appear that any military +object would be served in passing on the chatty piece of information +that "there will be no party for Windsor to-morrow." This habit of +calling things and places as they most emphatically are not is but a +concession, of course, to the habits of the infamous Hun, who rightly +or wrongly is supposed to overhear everything one says within a mile +of the line. + +Thinking in the vernacular proper to people who keep the little +knowledge they have to themselves, the Brigade Major grasped the hated +telephone in the left hand and prepared to say a few words (also in +the vernacular) to his fellow Staff Officer a mile away. + +"Hullo!" Br-rr--Crick-crick. "Hullo, Signals! Give me S-Salmon." + +"Salmon? You're through, Sir," boomed a voice apparently within a foot +of his ear. + +"OO!" An earsplitting crack was followed by a mosquito-like voice +singing in the wilderness. + +"Hullo!" + +"Hullo!" + +"This is Pike." + +"This is Possum. H-hullo, Pike!" + +"Hullo, Possum!" + +"I say, look here, the General w-wants to know" (here he paused to +throw a dark hidden meaning into the word) "what time--_it_--is." + +"What time it is?" + +"Yes, what time _it_ is! _It_. Yes, what time it is"--repeated +_fortissimo ad lib_. + +"Eleven thirty-five." + +"Eleven thirty-five? Why, it's on now. I don't hear anything on the +Front?" + +"No, you wouldn't." + +"Why not?" + +"Because it's all quiet." + +"But you said s-something was on?" + +"No, I didn't. You asked me what time it was and I told you." + +Swallowing hard several times, Possum girded up his loins, so to +speak, gripped the telephone firmly in the right hand this time, and +jumped off again. His "Hullo" sent a thrill through even the Bosch +listening apparatus in the next sector. + +"Hullo! L-look here, Pike, we--want--to--know--what time _it_ is." + +"Eleven thir--" + +"No, no, _it_--_it_" + +"What?" + +"It! You _know_ what I mean. Damit, what can I call it? Oh--er, +_sports_; what time is your _high jump_?" he added, nodding and +winking knowingly. "Well, what time's the circus? When do you start +for Berlin?" + +"I say, Possum, are you all right, old chap?" said a voice full of +concern. + +A crop of full-bodied beads appeared on the Brigade Major's brow. +His right hand was paralysed by the unceasing grip of the receiver. +There was a strained look in his eyes as of a man watching for the +ration-party. + +"S-something," he said, calmly and surely mastering his +fate--"s-something is happening to-night." + +"You're a cheery sort of bloke, aren't you?" + +"Good God, are you cracked or what? There's a--" + +"Careful, careful!" called the General from his comfortable chair in +the other room. + +"O-oh!" sang the mosquito voice, "_now_ I know what you mean. You want +to know what time our--er--ha! ha! you know--the--er--don't you?" + +"The--ha! ha! yes"--they leered frightfully at each other; it was a +horrible spectacle. No one would think that Possum had so much latent +evil in him. + +"We sent you the time mid-day." + +"Well, we haven't had it. C-can you give me any indication, w-without +actually s-saying it, you know?" + +"Well now," said the mosquito, "You know how many years' service I've +got? Multiply by two and add the map square of this headquarters." + +"Well, look here," it sang again, "you remember the number of the +billet where I had dinner with you three weeks ago? Well, halve that +and add two." + +"Half nine and add two" (_aside_: "These midnight mathematics will be +the death of me--ah! that's between six and seven?"). _Aloud_: "But +that's daylight." + +"No, it isn't. Which dinner are you thinking of?" + +With the sweat pouring down his face, both hands now clasping the +telephone--his right being completely numbed--he called upon the gods +to witness the foolishness of mortals. Suddenly a hideous cackle of +mosquito-laughter filtered through and, by some diabolical contrivance +of the signals, the tiny voice swelled into a bellow close to his ear. + +"If you really want to know, old Possum," it said, "the raid took +place two hours ago!" + +"I hope," said Possum, much relieved, but speaking with concentrated +venom, "I h-hope you may be strafed with boiling-- Are you there?" +Being assured that he was he slapped his receiver twice, and, much +gratified at the unprintable expression of the twice-stunned-one at +the other end, went to tell the General--who, he found, had gone to +bed and was fast asleep. + + * * * * * + + "The customary oats were administered to the new + Judge."--_Perthshire Constitutional_. + +There had been some fear, we understand, that owing to the food +shortage he would have to be content with thistles. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Stout Lady (_discussing the best thing to do in an +air-raid_). "WELL, I ALWAYS RUNS ABOUT MESELF. YOU SEE, AS MY 'USBAND +SEZ, AN' VERY REASONABLE TOO, A MOVIN' TARGIT IS MORE DIFFICULT TO +'IT."] + + * * * * * + +THE OLD FORMULA. + +Private Brown lay upon his pillows thoughtfully sucking the new pencil +given him by his mate in the next bed. Propped against the cradle that +covered his shattered knee was a pad, to which a sheet of paper had +been fixed, and he was about to write a letter to his wife. + +It was plainly to be an effort, for apart from the fact that he was +never a scholar there was the added uncertainty of his long disused +right hand to be reckoned with; but at last he grasped the pencil with +all the firmness he could muster and began:-- + +"DEAR WIFE,--I got your letter about Jim he ought to gone long ago, +shirking I calls it. This hospital is very nice and when you come down +from London youll see all the flowers and the gramophone which is a +fair treat. My wounds is slow and I often gets cramp." + +No sooner was the fatal word written than the fingers of his right +hand began to stiffen, the pencil fell upon the bed, then rolled +dejectedly to the floor, where the writer said it might stay for +all he cared. + +"You must let me finish the letter," said I, when his hand had been +rubbed and tucked away in a warm mitten. + +"Thank you, Miss; I was getting on nicely, and there's not much more +to say," he returned ruefully, scanning the wavering lines before him. + +"Well, shall I go on for a bit and let you wind up," said I, +unscrewing my pen and taking the pad on my knee. + +"Me telling you what to put like?" he asked with a look of pleased +relief. + +"That's it. Just say what you would write down yourself." + +He cleared his throat. + +"DEAR WIFE," he resumed, "the wounds is ... awful, not letting me +write at all. The one in my back is as long as your arm, and they says +it will heal quicker than the one in my knee, which has two tubes in +which they squirts strong-smelling stuff through. The foot is a pretty +sight, as big as half a melon, and I doubts ever being able to put it +to the ground again, though they says I shall. I gets very stiff at +nights and the pain sometimes is cruel, but they gives me a prick with +the morphia needle then which makes me dream something beautiful...." + +There was a pause while he indulged in a smiling reverie. + +"Perhaps we have said enough about your pains," I ventured, when, +returning from his visions, he puckered his brows in fresh thought. +"Your wife might be frightened if--" + +"Not her," he interrupted proudly. "She's a rare good nurse herself, +and it would take more than that to turn _her_ up." + +I shook my pen; he shifted his head a little and continued:-- + +"DEAR WIFE,--If you could see my shoulder dressed of a morning you +would laugh. They cuts out little pieces of lint like a picture puzzle +to fit the places, and I've got a regular map of Blighty all down my +arm; but that's not so bad as my back, which I cannot see and which +the wound is as long--" + +I blotted the sheet and turned over, and Private Brown eyed the space +left for further cheerful communications. + +"Shall I leave this for you to finish?" I suggested, thinking of +tender messages difficult to dictate. "Your fingers may be better +after tea, or perhaps to-morrow morning." + +"That's all right, Miss. There's nothing more to put except my name, +if you'll just say, "Good-bye, dear wife, hoping this finds you well +as it leaves me at present." + + * * * * * + +FAIR WARNING. + + "A POPULAR CONCERT WILL BE HELL IN THE PORTEOUS HALL, On + Friday, 2nd November."--_Scotch Paper_. + + * * * * * + +CURRAGH MEETING. + + Judea . . . . . . . . . . . E.M. Quirke 1 + Elfterion . . . . . . . . . . . M. Wing 2 + Tut Ttlddddddrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr aY + Tut Tut . . . . . . . . . . . . J. Dines 3 + + _Provincial Paper_. + + From which it is to be inferred + The angry printer backed the third. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WELL, UPON MY WORD! AFTER ALL THE TROUBLE I HAD TO GET +A QUARTER OF A POUND OF BUTTER, THE COOK'S SENT UP MARGARINE. I SHOULD +HATE THE MAIDS TO GO SHORT, BUT I _DO_ THINK WE OUGHT TO _SHARE_ +THINGS."] + + * * * * * + +THE ULTIMATE OUTRAGE. + + I had a favourite shirt for many moons, + Soft, silken, soothing and of tenderest tone, + Gossamer-light withal. The Subs., my peers, + Envied the garment, ransacking the land + To find a shirt its equal--all in vain. + For, when we tired of shooting at the Hun + And other Batteries clamoured for their share + And we resigned positions at the front + To dally for a space behind the line, + To shed my war-worn vesture I was wont-- + The G.S. boots, the puttees and the pants + That mock at cut and mar the neatest leg, + The battle-jacket with its elbows patched + And bands of leather, round its hard-used cuffs, + And, worst of all, the fuggy flannel shirt, + Rough and uncouth, that suffocates the soul; + And in their stead I donned habiliments + Cadets might dream of--serges with a waist, + And breeches cut by Blank (you know the man, + Or dare not say you don't), long lustrous boots, + And gloves canary-hued, bright primrose ties + Undimmed by shadows of Sir FRANCIS LLOYD-- + And, like a happy mood, I wore the shirt. + It was a woven breeze, a melody + Constrained by seams from melting in the air, + A summer perfume tethered to a stud, + The cool of evening cut to lit my form-- + And I shall wear it now no more, no more! + + There came a day we took it to be washed, + I and my batman, after due debate. + A little cottage stood hard by the road + Whose one small window said, in manuscript, + "Wasching for soldiers and for officers," + And there we left my shirt with anxious fears + And fond injunctions to the Belgian dame. + So it was washed. I marked it as I passed + Waving svelte arms beneath the kindly sun + As if it semaphored to its own shade + That answered from the grass. I saw it fill + And plunge against its bonds--methought it yearned + To join its tameless kin, the airy clouds. + And as I saw it so, I sang aloud, + "To-morrow I shall wear thee! Haste, O Time!" + Fond, futile dream! That very afternoon, + Her washing taken in and folded up + (My shirt, my shirt I mourn for, with the rest), + The frugal creature locked and left her cot + To cut a cabbage from a neighbour's field. + Then, without warning, from the empurpled sky, + Swift with grim dreadful purpose, swooped a shell + (Perishing Percy was the name he bore + Amongst, the irreverent soldiery), ah me! + And where the cottage stood there gaped a gulf; + The jewel and the casket vanished both. + + * * * * * + + Were there no other humble homes but that + For the vile Hun to fire at? Did some spy, + In bitter jealousy, betray my shirt? + What boots it to lament? The shirt is gone. + It was not meant for such an one as I, + A plain rough gunner with one only pip. + No doubt 'twas destined for some lofty soul + Who in a deck-chair lolls, and marks the map + And says, "Push here," while I and all my kind + Scrabble and slaughter in the appointed slough. + But I, presumptuous, wore it, till the gods + Called for my laundry with a thunderbolt. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HOW TO LOSE THE WAR AT HOME.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, October 22nd._--The fact that a couple of German raiders +contrived to slip through the North Sea patrol the other night was +made the excuse for an attack upon the Admiralty. Sir Eric Geddes came +down specially to assure the House that if it viewed things "in the +right perspective" it would realise that such isolated incidents were +unavoidable. Members generally were convinced, I think, by the sight +of the First Lord's bulldog jaw, even more than by his words, that the +Navy would not loose its grip on the enemy's throat. + +If "darkness and composure" are, as we have been told, the best +antidotes to an air-raid, where would you be more likely to find +them than in a CAVE? The HOME SECRETARY'S explanation did not, of +course, satisfy "P.B."--initials now standing for "Pull Baker"--who, +in a voice of extra raucosity, caused by his _al-fresco_ oratory +in East Islington, demanded that protection should be afforded +to--ballot-boxes. But he and Mr. JOYNSON-HICKS and Mr. DILLON--whose +sudden solicitude for the inhabitants of London was gently chaffed +by Mr. CHAMBERLAIN--were deservedly trounced by Mr. BONAR LAW, who +declared that if their craven squealings were typical he should +despair of victory. + +Who says that the removal of the grille has had no effect upon +politics? Exposed to the unimpeded gaze of the ladies in the Gallery +the House decided with great promptitude that the female voter should +not be called upon to state her exact age, but need only furnish a +statutory declaration that she was over thirty. + +_Tuesday, October 23rd._--So far as I know, the duties of a Junior +Lord of the Treasury have never been exactly defined. Apparently +those of Mr. PRATT include the compilation of a "London Letter," to +be sent to certain favoured newspapers. In one of them he appears to +have stated that Mr. ASQUITH'S condition of health was so precarious +that there was little likelihood of his resuming an active part in +politics. It was pleasant, therefore, to see the ex-Premier in his +place again, and able to contribute to the Irish debate a speech +showing no conspicuous failure either of intellect or verbal felicity. + +[Illustration: _Mr. Duke_. "HERE, I SAY--" + +_Mr. Redmond_. "SURE AN' I'M SORRY, BUT THE GINTLEMAN BEHIND PUSHED +ME."] + +Both Mr. REDMOND and Mr. DUKE had drawn a very gloomy picture of +present-day Ireland--the former, of course, attributing it entirely +to the ineptitudes of the "Castle," and being careful to say little +or nothing to hurt the feelings of the Sinn Feiners, while the latter +ascribed it to the rebellious speeches and actions of Mr. DE VALERA +and the other hillside orators whom for some inscrutable reason he +leaves at large. + +I hope Mr. ASQUITH was justified in assuming that the Sinn Fein +excesses were only an expression of the "rhetorical and contingent +belligerency" always present in Ireland, and that in spite of them the +Convention would make all things right. + +Meanwhile the Sinn Feiners have refused to take part in it. And not a +single Nationalist Member dared to denounce them to-night. Mr. T.M. +HEALY even gave them his blessing, for whatever that may be worth. + +_Wednesday, October 24_.--The strange case of Mrs. BESANT and Mr. +MONTAGU was brought before the Upper House by Lord SYDENHAM, who hoped +the Government were not going to make concessions to the noisy people +who wanted to set up a little oligarchy in India. The speeches of +Lord ISLINGTON and Lord CURZON did not entirely remove the impression +that the Government are a little afraid of Mrs. BESANT and her power +of "creating an atmosphere" by the emission of "hot air." Apparently +there is room for only one orator in India at a time, for it was +expressly stated that Mr. MONTAGU, who got back into office shortly +after the delivery of what Lord LANSDOWNE characterised as an +"intemperate" speech on Indian affairs, has given an undertaking not +to make any speech at all during his progress through the Peninsula. + +_Thursday, October 25th_.--Irish Members have first cut at the +Question-time cake on Thursdays, and employ their opportunity to +advertise their national grievances. Mr. O'LEARY, for example, drew +a moving picture of a poor old man occupying a single room, and +dependent for his subsistence on the grazing of a hypothetical cow; he +had been refused a pension by a hard-hearted Board. Translated into +prosaic English by the CHIEF SECRETARY it resolved itself into the +case of a farmer who had deliberately divested himself of his property +in the hope of "wangling" five shillings a week out of the Treasury. + +According to Mr. BYRNE the Lord Mayor of DUBLIN has been grossly +insulted by a high Irish official, who must be made to apologise or +resign. Again Mr. DUKE was unreceptive. He had seen the LORD MAYOR, +who disclaimed any responsibility for his self-constituted champion. +Mr. BYRNE should now be known as "the cuckoo in the mare's nest." + +An attack upon the Petroleum Royalties was led by Mr. ADAMSON, the +new Chairman of the Labour Party, who was cordially congratulated by +the COLONIAL SECRETARY on his appointment. Mr. LONG might have been a +shade less enthusiastic if he had foreseen the sequel. His assurance +that there was "nothing behind the Bill" was only too true. There was +not even a majority behind it; for the hostile amendment was carried +by 44 votes to 35, and the LLOYD GEORGE Administration sustained its +first defeat. "Nasty slippery stuff, oil," muttered the Government +Whip. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE UNSEEN HAND. + +_Bill_. "A FELLER IN THIS HERE PAPER SAYS AS WE AIN'T FIGHTING THE +GERMAN PEOPLE." + +_Gus_. "INDEED! DOES THE BLINKIN' IDIOT SAY WHO WE'VE BEEN UP AGAINST +ALL THIS TIME?"] + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, at once, three Slack Carters; constant + employment."--_Lancaster Observer_. + +We fear that intending applicants may be put off by the conditions. + + * * * * * + + "WHERE MY CARAVAN HAS RESTED--in A flat."--_Advt. in Provincial + Paper_. + +And, in the recent weather, a very good place for it. + + * * * * * + +WAR-TIME TAGS FROM "JULIUS CÆSAR." + +A "TAKE COVER" CONSTABLE TO A "SPECIAL." + + "I'll about, + And drive away the vulgar from the streets; + So do you too, where you perceive them thick."--_Act I. Sc. 1_. + +A WISE MAN. + + "Good night, then, Casca: this disturbéd sky + Is not to walk in."--_Act I. Sc. 3_. + +A RASH MAN. + + "For my part, I have walked about the streets... + Even in the aim and very flash of it."--_Act I. Sc. 3_. + +TO A MUNITION STRIKER. + + "But wherefore art not in thy shop to-day?"--_Act I. Sc. 1_. + +TO A LADY CLERK. + + "Is this a holiday? + What dost thou with thy best apparel on?"--_Act I. Sc. 1_. + +TO LORD RHONDDA +(_with a whear and potato war-loaf_). + + "Till then, my noble friend, chew upon this."--_Act I. Sc. 2_. + + * * * * * + +THE TRANSLATOR SEES THROUGH IT. + +Announcement by a French publisher:-- + + "Vient de paraitre:--'M. Britling commence à voir clair.'" + + * * * * * + + "MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS. + + A Large Quantity of Old Bricks for Sale."--_Dublin Evening + Herald_. + +Do not shoot the pianist. Throw a brick at him instead. + + * * * * * + +Regarding a certain judge:-- + + "Hence so many reversals by the Court of Appeal that suitors + were often more uneasy if they lost their case before him than + if they won it."--_Irish Times_. + +We assume that they were Irishmen. + + * * * * * + + "Elderly Lady Requires Post, as companion, Secretary or any + position of trust, would keep clergyman's wife in Parish, + etc."--_Church Family Newspaper_. + +But the difficulty with the parson's wife in some parishes, we are +told, is just the reverse of this. + + * * * * * + + "Duck and drake (wild) wanted; must be tame."--_Scotsman_. + +We dislike this frivolity in a serious paper. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR YOUNG VETERANS. + +_Grandfather_. "JUST HAD A TOPPING BIT OF NEWS, OLD DEAR. GERALD'S +WANGLED THE D.S.O." + +_Granny_. "ABSOLUTELY _PRICELESS_, OLD THING. ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT +CHILD WAS _SOME_ NIB."] + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +Albert Edward and I are on detachment just now. I can't mention what +job we are on because HINDENBURG is listening. He watches every move +made by Albert Edward and me and disposes his forces accordingly. Now +and again he forestalls us, now and again he don't. On the former +occasions he rings up LUDENDORFF, and they make a night of it with +beer and song; on the latter he pushes the bell violently for the old +German god. + +The spot Albert Edward and I inhabit just now is very interesting; +things happen all round us. There is a tame balloon tied by a string +to the back garden, an ammunition column on either flank and an +infantry battalion camped in front. Aeroplanes buzz overhead in flocks +and there is a regular tank service past the door. One way and another +our present location fairly teems with life; Albert Edward says it +reminds him of London. To heighten the similarity we get bombed every +night. + +Promptly after Mess the song of the bomb-bird is heard. The +searchlights stab and slash about the sky like tin swords in a stage +duel; presently they pick up the bomb-bird--a glittering flake of +tinsel--and the racket begins. Archibalds pop, machine guns chatter, +rifles crack, and here and there some optimistic sportsman browns the +Milky Way with a revolver. As Sir I. NEWTON'S law of gravity is still +in force and all that goes up must come down again, it is advisable to +wear a parasol on one's walks abroad. + +In view of the heavy lead-fall Albert Edward and I decided to have a +dug-out. We dug down six inches and struck water in massed formation. +I poked a finger into the water and licked it. "Tastes odd," said I, +"brackish or salt or something." + +"We've uncorked the blooming Atlantic, that's what," said Albert +Edward; "cork it up again quickly or it'll bob up and swamp us." That +done, we looked about for something that would stand digging into. The +only thing we could find was a molehill, so we delved our way into +that. We are residing in it now, Albert Edward, Maurice and I. We have +called it "_Mon Repos_," and stuck up a notice saying we are inside, +otherwise visitors would walk over it and miss us. + +The chief drawback to "_Mon Repos_" is Maurice. Maurice is the +proprietor by priority, a mole by nature. Our advent has more or less +driven him into the hinterland of his home and he is most unpleasant +about it. He sits in the basement and sulks by day, issuing at night +to scrabble about among our boots, falling over things and keeping us +awake. If we say "Boo! Shoo!" or any harsh word to him he doubles +up the backstairs to the attic and kicks earth over our faces at +three-minute intervals all night. + +Albert Edward says he is annoyed about the rent, but I call that +absurd. Maurice is perfectly aware that there is a war on, and to +demand rent from soldiers who are defending his molehill with their +lives is the most ridiculous proposition I ever heard of. As I said +before, the situation is most unpleasant, but I don't see what we can +do about it, for digging out Maurice means digging down "_Mon Repos_," +and there's no sense in that. Albert Edward had a theory that the +mole is a carnivorous animal, so he smeared a worm with carbolic +tooth-paste and left it lying about. It lay about for days. Albert now +admits his theory was wrong; the mole is a vegetarian, he says; he was +confusing it with trout. He is in the throes of inventing an explosive +potato for Maurice on the lines of a percussion grenade, but in the +meanwhile that gentleman remains in complete mastery of the situation. + +The balloon attached to our back garden is very tame. Every morning +its keepers lead it forth from its abode by strings, tie it to a +longer string and let it go. All day it remains aloft, tugging gently +at its leash and keeping an eye on the War. In the evening the keepers +appear once more, haul it down and lead it home for the night. It +reminds me for all the world of a huge docile elephant being bossed +about by the mahout's infant family. I always feel like giving the +gentle creature a bun. + +Now and again the Bosch birds come over disguised as clouds and spit +mouthfuls of red-hot tracer-bullets at it, and then the observers hop +out. One of them "hopped out" into my horse-lines last week. That is +to say his parachute caught in a tree and he hung swinging, like a +giant pendulum, over my horses' backs until we lifted him down. He +came into "_Mon Repos_" to have bits of tree picked out of him. This +was the sixth plunge overboard he had done in ten days, he told us. +Sometimes he plunged into the most embarrassing situations. On one +occasion he dropped clean through a bivouac roof into a hot bath +containing a Lieutenant-Colonel, who punched him with a sponge and +threw soap at him. On another he came fluttering down from the blue +into the midst of a labour company of Chinese coolies, who immediately +fell on their faces, worshipping him as some heavenly being, and later +cut off all his buttons as holy relics. An eventful life. + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +A PRECOCIOUS INFANT. + + "Will any kind lady adopt nice healthy baby girl, 6 weeks old, + good parentage; seen London."--_Times_. + + * * * * * + + "The King has given £100 to the Victoria Station free buffet + for sailors and soldiers."--_The Times_. + +In the days of RICHARD I. it was a commoner who furnished the King in +this respect. _Vide_ Sir WALTER SCOTT'S _Ivanhoe_, vol. ii., chap. +9: "Truly, friend," said the Friar, clenching his huge fist, "I will +bestow a buffet on thee." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Prisoner_ (_on his dignity_). "BUT YOU VOS NOT KNOW +VOT I AM. I AM A SERGEANT-MAJOR IN DER PRUSSIAN GUARD." + +_Tommy_. "WELL, WOT ABAHT IT? I'M A PRIVATE IN THE WEST KENTS."] + + * * * * * + +RHYMES OF THE TIMES. + + There was an old man with otitis + Who was told it was chronic arthritis; + On the sixth operation, + Without hesitation + They said that he died of phlebitis. + + A school just assembled for Prep. + Were warned of an imminent Zepp, + But they said, "What a lark! + Now we're all in the dark + So we shan't have to learn any Rep." + + Mr. BREX, with the forename of TWELLS, + Against all the bishops rebels, + And so fiercely upbraids + Their remarks on air-raids + That he rouses the envy of WELLS. + + The American miracle, FORD, + By pacificists once was adored; + Now their fury he raises + By winning the praises + Of England's great super-war-lord. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted--a Pair of Lady's Riding Boots, black or brown, size of + foot 4, diam. of calf 14 inches."--_Statesman_ (_Calcutta_). + +Great Diana! + + * * * * * + + "WANTED--Late Model, 5-passenger McLaughlin, Hudson, Paige, or + Cadillac car, in exchange for 5-crypt family de luxe section, + value $1,500, in Forest Lawn, Mausoleum."--_Toronto Daily Star_. + +With some difficulty we refrain from reviving the old joke about the +quick and the dead. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW MRS. MARKHAM. + +III. + +CONVERSATION ON CHAPTER LXX. + +_Mary_. Do tell us something more, Mamma, about the Great Rebellion +and how it began. + +_Mrs. M_. Well, my dear, you must know that in the previous reign it +had been the fashion for middle-aged and elderly people to behave +and dress as if they were still juvenile. Mothers neglected their +daughters and went to balls and theatres every night, where they were +conspicuous for their extravagant attire and strange conversation. +They would not allow their daughters to smoke, or, if they did, +provided them with the cheapest cigarettes. Fathers of even advanced +years wore knickerbocker suits on all occasions and spent most of +their time playing a game called golf. This at last provoked a violent +reaction, and the Great Rebellion was the consequence. Although there +was no bloodshed many distressing scenes were enacted and something +like a Reign of Terror prevailed for several years. + +_Richard_. Oh, Mamma, please go on! + +_Mrs. M_. Parents trembled at the sight of their children, and +fathers, even when they were sixty years old, stood bareheaded before +their sons and did not dare to speak without permission. Mothers never +sat down in the presence of their grown-up daughters, but stood in +respectful silence at the further end of the room, and were only +allowed to smoke in the kitchen. + +_George_. That cannot have been very good for the cooking. + +_Mrs. M_. The daughters of the family were seldom educated at home, +and when they returned to their father's roof their parents were only +admitted into the presence of their children during short and stated +periods. + +_Mary_. And when did the English begin to grow kinder to their +parents? + +_Mrs. M_. I really cannot say. Perhaps a climax was reached in the +Baby Suffrage Act; but after that matters began to improve, and the +Married Persons Amusements Act showed a more tolerant spirit towards +the elderly. But even so lately as when my mother was a child young +people were often exceedingly harsh with their parents, and she has +told me how on one occasion she locked up her mother for several hours +in the coal-cellar for playing a mouth-organ in the bathroom without +permission. + +_Richard._ Pray, Mamma, did the English speak Irish then, as they do +now? + +_Mrs. M_. Compulsory Irish was introduced under ALFRED as a concession +to Ireland for the services rendered by that kingdom to art and +literature and the neutrality which it observed during England's wars. +There was a certain amount of opposition, but it was soon overcome +by ALFRED'S wisely insisting on the newspapers being printed in both +languages. Since then the variations in dialect and pronunciation +which prevailed in different districts of England have largely +disappeared, and from Land's End to John o' Groat's the bilingual +system is now securely established, though my mother told me that as a +child she once met an old man in Northumberland who could only speak a +few words of Irish, and had been deprived of his vote in consequence. + +_Richard_. What were the Thirty-Nine Articles? I don't think I ever +heard of them before. + +_Mrs. M_. When you are of a proper age to understand them they shall +be explained to you. They contained the doctrines of the Church of +England, but were abolished by Archbishop WELLS, who substituted +seventy-eight of his own. But as Mary is looking tired I will now +conclude our conversation. + + * * * * * + +THE MOTH PERIL. + + ["Fruit growers are warned to be on their guard against + the wingless moth, for lime-washing the trees is almost + useless."--_Evening Paper_.] + +If the brute ignores the notice, "Keep off the trees," order him away +in a sharp voice. + +Sulphuric acid is a most deadly antidote; but only the best should be +used. If the moth be held over the bottle for ten minutes it will show +signs of collapse and offer to go quietly. + +This pest abhors heat. A good plan is to heat the garden-roller in the +kitchen fire to a white heat and push it up the tree. + +A gramophone in full song, is also useful. After a few minutes the +moth will come out of its dug-out with an abstracted expression on its +face, and commit suicide by jumping into the mouth of the trumpet. + + * * * * * + +A COMFORTING THOUGHT FOR USE ON WAR-TIME RAILWAYS. + + "To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive."--R.L. + STEVENSON. + + * * * * * + +From a parish magazine:-- + + "I know 'the war' still continues but these do not explain + everything. The large water tank at the schools is for sale--price + £5 10s. The sermons and as far as possible the music and hymns on + 21st (Trafalgar Day) will bear on the work of our incomparable + Navy." + +It is believed in the village that the parson is suffering from a rush +of Jumble Sales to the head. + + * * * * * + +HERBS OF GRACE. + +SWEET WOODRUFF. + +VII. + + Not for the world that we know, + But the lovelier world that we dream of + Dost thou, Sweet Woodruff, grow; + Not of this world is the theme of + The scent diffused + From thy bright leaves bruised; + Not in this world hast thou part or lot, + Save to tell of the dream one, forgot, forgot. + + Sweet Woodruff, thine is the scent + Of a world that was wise and lowly, + Singing with sane content, + Simple and clean and holy, + Merry and kind + As an April wind, + Happier far for the dawn's good gold + Than the chinking chaffer-stuff hard and cold. + + Thine is the odour of praise + In the loved little country churches; + Thine are the ancient ways + Which the new Gold Age besmirches; + Cordials, wine + And posies are thine, + The adze-cut beams with thy bunches fraught, + And the kist-laid linen by maidens wrought. + + Clean bodies, kind hearts, sweet souls, + Delight and delighted endeavour, + A spirit that chants and trolls, + A world that doth ne'er dissever + The body's hire + And the heart's desire; + Ah, bright leaves bruised and brown leaves dry, + Odours that bid this world go by. + + W.B. + + * * * * * + + "Once or twice Mr. Dickens has taken the place of circuit judge + when the King's Bench roll has been repleted."--_Evening Paper_. + +This, of course, was before the War. Our judges never over-eat +themselves nowadays. + + * * * * * + +From a list of current prices:-- + + "Brazil nuts 1s. 2d., Barcelona nuts 10d. per lb.; demons + 1½d."--_Derbyshire Advertiser_. + +No mention being made of the place of origin of the last-named, it +looks very much as if there had been some trading with the enemy. + + * * * * * + +What America says to-day-- + + "Feminist circles are greatly interested in the announcement made + by Dr. Sargeant, of Harvard University, that women make as good + soldiers as men."--_Sunday Pictorial_. + +Canada does to-morrow-- + + "The Canadian Government has issued a proclamation calling up ... + childless widows between the ages of 20 and 34 comprised in Class + 1 of the Military Service Act."--_Yorkshire Evening Paper_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mike (in bath-chair)_. "DID YE SAY WE'LL BE TURNING +BACK, DENNIS? SURE THE EXERCISE WILL BE DOING US GOOD IF WE GO A BIT +FURTHER."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +The numerous members of the public who like to take their printer's +ink with something more than a grain of sea-salt will welcome +_Sea-Spray and Spindrift_ (PEARSON), by their tried and trusted +friend, TAFFRAIL, the creator of _Pincher Martin, O.D._ TAFFRAIL, it +must be admitted, has a dashing briny way with him. He doesn't wait to +describe sunsets and storm-clouds, but plunges at once into the thick +of things. Consequently his stories go with a swing and a rush, for +which the reader is duly grateful--that is, if he is a discerning +reader. Of the present collection most were written some time ago and +have no reference to the War. Such, for instance, is "The Escape of +the _Speedwell_," a capital story of the year 1805, which may serve to +remind us that even in the glorious days of NELSON the English Channel +was not always a healthy place for British shipping. "The Channel," +says TAFFRAIL, "swarmed with the enemy's privateers.... Even the +merchant-ships in the home-coming convoys, protected though they were +by men-of-war, were not safe from capture, while the hostile luggers +would often approach the English coast in broad daylight and harry the +hapless fishing craft within a mile or two of the shore." Yet there +does not appear to have been a panic, nor was anyone's blood demanded. +_Autres temps autres moeurs_. In "The Gun-Runners" the author +describes a shady enterprise undertaken successfully by a British +crew; but nothing comes amiss to TAFFRAIL, and he does it with equal +zest. "The Inner Patrol" and "The Luck of the Tavy" more than redress +the balance to the side of virtue and sound warfare. Both stories are +excellent. + + * * * * * + +Among the minor results following the entry of America into the War +has been the release from bondage of several diplomatic pens, whose +owners would, under less happy circumstances, have been prevented from +telling the world many stories of great interest. Here, for example, +is the late Special Agent and Minister Plenipotentiary of the United +States, Mr. LEWIS EINSTEIN, writing of his experiences _Inside +Constantinople, April-September, 1915_ (MURRAY). This is a diary +kept by the Minister during the period covered by the Dardanelles +Expedition. As such you will hardly expect it to be agreeable reading, +but its tragic interest is undeniable. Mr. EINSTEIN, as a sympathetic +neutral, saw everything, and his comments are entirely outspoken. We +know the Dardanelles story well enough by now from our own side; here +for the first time one may see in full detail just how near it came +to victory. It is a history of chances neglected, of adverse fate and +heroism frustrated, such as no Englishman can read unmoved. But the +book has also a further value in the light it throws upon the Armenian +massacres and the complicity of Germany therein. "Though in later +years German officialdom may seek to disclaim responsibility, the +broad fact remains of German military direction at Constantinople ... +during the brief period in which took place the virtual extermination +of the Armenian race in Asia Minor." It is one more stain upon a +dishonoured shield, not to be forgotten in the final reckoning. + + * * * * * + +I never met a story more aptly named than Mrs. BELLOC LOWNDES' _Love +and Hatred_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL). _Oliver Tropenell_ worshipped _Laura +Pavely_, who returned this attachment, despite the fact that she was +already married to _Godfrey_. _Godfrey_, for his part, loved _Katty +Winslow_, a young widow, who flirted equally with him, with _Oliver_, +and with _Laura's_ undesirable brother, _Gilbert_. So much for the +tender passion. As for the other emotion, _Oliver_ naturally hated +_Godfrey_; so did _Gilbert_. _Laura_ also came to share their +sentiment. By the time things had reached this climax the moment was +obviously ripe for the disappearance of the much detested one, in +order that the rest of the tale might keep you guessing which of the +three had (so to speak) belled the cat. Followers of Mrs. LOWNDES +will indeed have been anticipating poor _Godfrey's_ demise for some +time, and may perhaps think that she takes a trifle too long over +her arrangements for the event. They will almost certainly share my +view that the explanation of the mystery is far too involved and +unintelligible. I shall, of course, not anticipate this for you. +It has been said that the works of HOMER were not written by HOMER +himself, but by another man of the same name. This may, or may not, +give you a clue to the murder of _Godfrey Pavely_. I wish the crime +were more worthy of such an artist in creeps as Mrs. LOWNDES has +proved herself to be. + + * * * * * + +The test of the second water, as sellers of tea assure us, provides +proof of a quality for which one must go to the right market. BARONESS +ORCZY has not feared to put her most famous product, _The Scarlet +Pimpernel_, to a similar trial. Whether the result of this renewed +dilution is entirely satisfactory I leave you to judge, but certainly +at least something of the well-known and popular aroma of romantic +artificiality clings about the pages of her latest story, _Lord Tony's +Wife_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), while at the bottom of the cup there is +not a little dash of the old strong flavour. On the other hand, though +it may be that one's appetite grows less lusty, it does seem that +in all the earlier chapters there is some undue proportion of thin +and rather tepid preparation for episodes quite clearly on the way, +so that in the end even the masterly vigour of the much advertised +_Pimpernel_, in full panoply of inane laughter and unguessed disguise, +failed to astound and stagger me as much as I could have wished. _Lord +Tony_ was a healthy young Englishman with no particular qualities +calling for comment, and his wife an equally charming young French +heroine. After having escaped to England from the writer's beloved +Reign of Terror, the lady and her aristo father were comfortably +decoyed back to France by a son of the people whose qualifications for +the post of villain were none too convincing, and there all manner of +unpleasant things were by way of happening to them, when enter the +despairing husband with the dashing scarlet one at his side--_et voilà +tout_. The last few chapters come nearly or even quite up to the mark, +but as for most of the rest, I advise you to take them as read. + + * * * * * + +In _A Certain Star_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) Miss PHYLLIS BOTTOME +achieves the difficult feat of treating a love conceived in a +romantic vein without declining upon sentimentality, and seasons her +descriptions, which are shrewdly, sometimes delicately, observed, +with quite a pretty wit. I commend it as a sound, unpretentious, +honestly-written book. _Sir Julian Verny_, a baronet with brains and +a very difficult temper, falls a captive to _Marian's_ proud and +compelling beauty. Then, just before the War flames up, secret service +claims him, and he returns from a dangerous mission irretrievably +crippled. _Marian_ fails him. True, she disdains to be released, but +out of pride not out of love. It is little grey suppressed _Stella_ +(her light has been hidden under the dull bushel of a Town Clerk's +office) who comes into her kingdom and wins back an ultra-sensitive +despairing man to the joy of living and working and the fine humility +of being dependent instead of masterful. There are so many _Julians_ +and there's need of so many _Stellas_ these sad days that it is well +to have such wholesome doctrine stated with so courageous an optimism. + + * * * * * + +There is a sentence on page 149 of _A Castle to Let_ (CASSELL) which, +though not for its style, I feel constrained to quote: "It was a +glorious day, the sunshine poured through the green boughs, and the +moss made cradles in which most people went to sleep with their +novels." Well, given a warm day and a comfortable resting-place, this +book by Mrs. BAILLIE REYNOLDS would do excellently well either to +sleep or keep awake with, according to your mood. The scene of it is +laid in Transylvania, where a rich young Englishwoman took an old +castle for the summer. Incidentally I have learned something about the +inhabitants of Transylvania, but apart from that I know now exactly +what a novel for the holidays should contain. Its ingredients are many +and rather wonderful, but Mrs. REYNOLDS is a deft mixer, and her skill +in managing no fewer than three love affairs without getting them and +you into a tangle is little short of miraculous. Then we are given +plenty of legends, mysteries and dreams, just intriguing enough to +produce an eerie atmosphere, but not sufficiently exciting to cause +palpitations of the heart. Need I add that the tenant of the castle +married the owner of it? As she was both human and sporting, it +worries me to think that she may now be interned. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Patriot Golfer_ (_seeing British aeroplane and not +wanting to take any risks_). "FORE!"] + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +153, October 31, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 153 *** + +***** This file should be named 11491-8.txt or 11491-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/4/9/11491/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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