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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:37:05 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:37:05 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/11491-0.txt b/11491-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ebb5fcb --- /dev/null +++ b/11491-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1696 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11491 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 153. + + + +October 31, 1917. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The Ministry of Food has informed the Twickenham Food Control +Committee that a doughnut is not a bun. Local unrest has been almost +completely allayed by this prompt and fearless decision. + + *** + +Many London grocers are asking customers to hand in orders on Monday +to ensure delivery within a week. In justice to a much-abused State +department it must be pointed out that telegrams are frequently +delivered within that period without any absurd restriction as to the +day of handing in. + + *** + +No more hotels in London, says Sir ALFRED MOND, are to be taken +over at present by the Government, which since the War began has +commandeered nearly three hundred buildings. We understand, however, +that a really spectacular offensive is being prepared for the Spring. + + *** + +Several parties of Germans who escaped from internment camps have been +recaptured with comparative ease. It is supposed that their gentle +natures could no longer bear the spectacle of the sacrifices that the +simple Briton is enduring in order that they may be well fed. + + *** + +The _Globe_ has just published an article entitled "The End of the +World." Our rosy contemporary is far too pessimistic, we feel. Mr. +CHURCHILL'S appointment as Minister of the Air has not yet been +officially announced. + + *** + +The _Vossische Zeitung_ reports that the KAISER refuses to accept the +resignation of Admiral VON CAPELLE. The career of Germany's Naval +chief seems to be dogged by persistent bad luck. + + *** + +Another scoop for _The Daily Telegraph._ "On October 14, 1066, at nine +A.M.," said a recent issue, "the Battle of Hastings commenced." + + *** + +We fear that our allotment-holders are losing their dash. The pumpkin +grown at Burwash Place, which measured six feet in circumference, is +still a pumpkin and not a potato. + + *** + +The Grimsby magistrates have decided not to birch boys in the future, +but to fine their parents. Several soft-hearted boys have already +indicated that it will hurt them more than their parents. + + *** + +A female defendant at a London police court last week was given the +choice of prison or marriage, and preferred to get married. How like +a woman! + + *** + +A correspondent protests against the high prices paid for old +postage-stamps at a recent sale, and points out that stamps can be +obtained at one penny each at most post-offices, all ready for use. + + *** + +A North of England lady last week climbed to the top of the +chimney-stack of a large munition works and affixed a silver coin in +the masonry. The lady is thought to be nervous of pickpockets. + + *** + +A contemporary wit declares that nothing gives him more pleasure +than to see golfers at dinner. He loves to watch them doing the soup +course, using one iron all the way round. + + *** + +There is no truth in the rumour that during a recent air-raid a man +was caught on the roof of a certain Government building in Whitehall +signalling to the Germans where not to drop their bombs. + + *** + +It should be added that the practice of giving air-raid warnings by +notice published in the following morning's papers has been abandoned +only after the most exhaustive tests. + + *** + +The Home Office announces that while it has not definitely decided +upon the method of giving warnings at night it will probably be by +gun fire. To distinguish this fire from the regular barrage it is +ingeniously suggested that the guns employed for the latter purpose +shall be painted blue, or some other distinctive colour. + + *** + +It is reported that Sinn Fein's second-best war-cry, "Up the KAISER," +is causing some irritation in the Wilhelmstrasse, where it is +freely admitted that the KAISER is already far higher up than the +circumstances justify. + + *** + +The Lambeth magistrate recently referred to the case of a boy of +fifteen who is paying income-tax. Friends of the youth have since been +heard to say that there is such a thing as carrying the spirit of +reckless bravado too far. + + *** + +"Farm work is proceeding slowly," says a Midland correspondent of the +Food Production Department. Those who recall the impetuous abandon of +the pre-war agriculturist may well ask whether Boloism has not been +work at again. + + *** + +Railway fares in Germany have been doubled; but it is doubtful if +this transparent artifice will prevent the KAISER from going about +the place making speeches to his troops on all the fronts. + + *** + +It is announced that promotion in the U.S. services will be based +solely on fitness, without regard to seniority. These are the sort of +revolutionists who would cover up grave defects in army organisation +by the meretricious expedient of winning the War. + + *** + +Inquiries, says _The Pall Mall Gazette_, disclose a wide-spread habit +among customers of bribing the assistants in grocery shops. The custom +among profiteers of giving them their cast-off motor cars probably +acted as the thin end of the wedge. + + *** + +A dear old lady writes that she is no longer nervous about air-raids, +now that her neighbourhood has been provided with an anticraft airgun. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE AIR-RAID SEASON. + +THE RESULT OF A LITTLE UNASSUMING ADVERTISEMENT: "CELLARMAN +WANTED.--APPLY, 82, ---- STREET, W."] + + * * * * * + +FOOD ECONOMY IN IRELAND. + + "Gloves, stockings, boots and shoes betoken the energy and meal + of the day, something tasty is desirable, and a very economical + dish of this kind can be made by making..."--_Belfast Evening + Telegraph._ + + * * * * * + +ZEPP-FLIGHTING IN THE HAUTES ALPES. + +_TO J.M._ + + Recall, dear John, a certain day + Back in the times of long ago-- + A stuffy old estaminet + Under the great peaks fledged with snow; + The Spring that set our hearts rejoicing + As up the serried mountains' bar + We climbed our tortuous way Rolls-Roycing + From Gap to Col Bayard. + + Little we dreamed, though that high air + Quickens imagination's flight, + What monstrous bird and very rare + Would in these parts some day alight; + How, like a roc of Arab fable, + A Zepp _en route_ from London town, + Trying to find its German stable, + Would here come blundering down. + + The swallows--you remember? yes?-- + Northward, just then, were heading straight; + No hint they dropped by which to guess + That other fowl's erratic fate; + An inner sense supplied their vision; + Not one of them contused his scalp + Or lost his feathers in collision + Bumping against an Alp. + + But they, the Zepp-birds, flopped and barged + From Lunéville to Valescure + (Where we of old have often charged + The bunkers of the Côte d'Azur); + And half a brace--so strange and far a + Course to the South it had to shape-- + Is still expected in Sahara + Or possibly the Cape. + + In happier autumns you and I + (You by your art and I by luck) + Have pulled the pheasant off the sky + Or flogged to death the flighting duck; + But never yet--how few the chances + Of pouching so superb a swag-- + Have we achieved a feat like France's + Immortal gas-bag bag. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +PURPLE PATCHES FROM LORD YORICK'S GREAT BOOK. + +(_SPECIAL REVIEW_.) + +Lord Yorick's _Reminiscences_, just published by the house of Hussell, +abound in genial anecdote, in which the "personal note" is lightly and +gracefully struck, in welcome contrast to the stodgy political memoirs +with which we have been surfeited of late. We append some extracts, +culled at random from these jocund pages:-- + +THE SHAH'S ROMANCE. + +"I don't suppose it is a State secret--but if it is there can be no +harm in divulging the fact--that there was some thought of a marriage +in the 'eighties' between the Shah of PERSIA and the lovely Miss +Malory, the lineal descendant of the famous author of the Arthurian +epic. Mr. GLADSTONE, Mme. DE NOVIKOFF and the Archbishop of CANTERBURY +were prime movers in the negotiations. But the SHAH'S table manners +and his obstinate refusal to be converted to the doctrines of +the Anglican Church, on which Miss Malory insisted, proved an +insurmountable obstacle, and the arrangement, which might have been +fraught with inestimable advantages to Persia, came to nought. Miss +Malory afterwards became Lady Yorick." + +PRACTICAL JOKING AT OXFORD IN THE "SIXTIES." + +"Jimmy Greene, afterwards Lord Havering, whose rooms were just below +mine, suffered a good deal from practical jokers. One day I was +chatting with Reggie Wragge when we heard loud cries for help just +below us. We rushed down and found Jimmy in the bath, struggling with +a large conger-eel which had been introduced by some of his friends. +I held on to the monster's tail, while Wragge severed its head with +a carving-knife. Poor Jimmy, who was always nervous and not very +'strong in his intellects,' was much upset, and was shortly afterwards +ploughed for the seventh time in Smalls. He afterwards went into +diplomacy, but died young." + +MRS. MANGOLD'S COMPLEXION. + +"At one of these dances at Yorick Castle Mrs. Mangold, afterwards +Lady Rootham, was staying with us. She was a very handsome woman, +with a wonderful complexion, so brilliant, indeed, that some sceptics +believed it to be artificial. A plot was accordingly hatched to +solve the problem, and during a set of Kitchen Lancers a syphon of +soda-water was cleverly squirted full in her face, but the colour +remained fast. Mrs. Mangold, I am sorry to say, failed to see the +point of the joke, and fled to her room, pursued as far as the +staircase by a score or more of cheering sportsmen." + +THE ORDEAL OF LADY VERBENA SOPER. + +"Mr. GOSCHEN, as he then was, was entertaining a large party to dinner +at Whitehall. He was at the time First Lord of the Admiralty, and an +awkward waiter upset an ice-pudding down the back of Lady Verbena +Soper, sister of Lady 'Loofah' Soper and daughter of the Earl of +Latherham, The poor lady cried out, 'I'm scalded!' but our host, +with great presence of mind, dashed out, returning with a bundle of +blankets and a can of hot water, which he promptly poured on to the +ice-pudding. The sufferer was then wrapped up in the blankets and +carried off to bed; The waiter was of course sacked on the spot, but +was saved from prosecution at the express request of his victim and +assisted to emigrate to America, where I believe he did well on an +orange farm in Florida." + + * * * * * + +IN A GOOD CAUSE. + +There is no War-charity known to Mr. Punch that does better work or +more quietly than that which is administered by the Children's Aid +Committee, who provide homes in country cottages and farm-houses for +children, most of them motherless, of our soldiers and sailors, visit +them from time to time and watch over their needs. Here in these homes +their fathers, who are kept informed of their children's welfare +during their absence, come to see them when on leave from the Front, +and find them gently cared for. Since the War began homes have been +provided for over two thousand four hundred children. A certain +grant in aid is allowed by the London War Pensions Committee, who +have learned to depend upon the Children's Aid Committee in their +difficulties about children, but for the most part this work relies +upon voluntary help, and without advertisement. Of the money that came +into the Committee's hands last year only about two per cent. was paid +away for salaries and office expenses. + +More than a year ago Mr. Punch appealed on behalf of this labour of +love, and now he begs his readers to renew the generous response which +they made at that time. Gifts of money and clothing, and offers of +hospitality, will be gratefully acknowledged by Miss MAXWELL LYTE, +Hon. Treasurer of the Children's Aid Committee, 50, South Molton +Street, London, W. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VIVE LA CHASSE! + +[With Mr. Punch's compliments to our gallant Allies on their bag of +Zepps.]] + + * * * * * + +STRONGER THAN HERSELF. + +In an assortment of nieces, totalling nine in all--but two of them, +being still, in Sir WALTER'S phrase, composed of "that species of pink +dough which is called a fine infant" do not count--I think that my +favourites are Enid and Hannah. Enid being the daughter of a brother +of mine, and Hannah of a sister, they are cousins. They are also +collaborators in literature and joint editors of a magazine for family +consumption entitled _The Attic Salt-Cellar_. The word "Attic" refers +to the situation of the editorial office, which is up a very perilous +ladder, and "salt-cellar" was a suggestion of my own, which, though +adopted, is not yet understood. + +During the search for pseudonyms for the staff--the pseudonym is an +essential in home journalism, and the easiest way of securing it is +to turn one's name round--we came upon the astonishing discovery that +Hannah is exactly the same whether you spell it backwards or forwards. +Hannah therefore calls herself, again at my suggestion, "Pal," +which is short for "palindrome." We also discovered, to her intense +delight, that Enid, when reversed, makes "Dine"--a pleasant word but +a poor pseudonym. She therefore calls herself after her pet flower, +"Marigold." + +Between them Pal and Marigold do all the work. There is room for an +epigram if you happen to have one about you, or even an ode, but they +can get along without outside contributions. Enid does most of the +writing and Hannah copies it out. + +So much for prelude to the story of Enid's serial. Having observed +that all the most popular periodicals have serial stories she decided +that she must write one too. It was called "The Prairie Lily," and +begun splendidly. I give the list of characters at the head of the +first instalment:-- + +_The Duke of Week_, an angry father and member of the House of Lords. + +_The Duchess of Week_, his wife, once famous for her beauty. + +_Lady Lily_, their daughter, aged nineteen and very lovely. + +_Mr. Ploot_, an American millionaire who loves the Lady Lily. + +_Lord Eustace Vavasour_, the Lady Lily's cousin, who loves her. + +_Jack Crawley_, a young farmer and the one that the Lady Lily loves. + +_Fanny Starlight_, a poor relation and the Lady Lily's very closest +friend. + +_Webb_, the Lady Lily's maid. + +Such were the characters when the story began, and at the end of the +first instalment the author, with very great ingenuity--or perhaps +with only a light-hearted disregard of probability--got the whole +bunch of them on a liner going to America. The last sentence described +the vessel gliding away from the dock, with the characters leaning +over the side waving good-bye. Even Jack Crawley, the young farmer, +was there; but he was not waving with the others, because he did not +want anyone to know that he knew the Lady Lily, or was on board at +all. Lord Eustace was on one side of the Lady Lily as she waved, +and Mr. Ploot on the other, and they were, of course, consumed with +jealousy of each other. + +Having read the first instalment, with the author's eye fixed +embarrassingly upon me, and the author giggling as she watched, I said +that it was very interesting; as indeed it was. I went on to ask what +part of America they were all going to, and how it would end, and so +on; and Enid sketched the probable course of events, which included +a duel for Lord Eustace and Mr. Ploot (who turned out to be not a +millionaire at all, but a gentleman thief) and a very exciting time +for the Lady Lily on a ranche in Texas, whither she had followed Jack +Crawley, who was to become famous throughout the States as "The Cowboy +King." I forget about the Duke and Duchess, but a lover was to be +found on the ranche for Fanny Starlight; and Red Indians were to carry +off Webb, who was to be rescued by the Cowboy King; and so on. There +were, in short, signs that Enid had not only read the feuilletons in +the picture papers but had been to the Movies too. But no matter what +had influenced her, the story promised well. + +Judge then my surprise when on opening the next number of _The Attic +Salt-Cellar_ I found that the instalment of the serial consisted only +of the following:-- + + THE PRAIRIE LILY. + + CHAPTER II. + + All went merrily on the good ship _Astarte_ until the evening of + the third day out, when it ran into another and larger ship and + was sunk with all hands. No one was saved. + + THE END. + +"But, my dear," I said, "you can't write novels like that." + +"Why not, Uncle Dick?" Enid asked. + +"Because it's not playing the game," I said. "After arousing +everyone's interest and exciting us with the first chapter, you can't +stop it all like this." + +"But it happened," she replied. "Ships often sink, Uncle Dick, and +this one sank." + +"Well, that's all right," I said, "but, my dear child, why drown +everyone? Why not let your own people be saved? Not the Duke and +Duchess, perhaps, but the others. Think of all those jolly things +that were going to happen in Texas, and the duel, and--" + +"Yes, I know," she replied sadly. "It's horrid to have to give them +up, but I couldn't help it. The ship would sink and no one was saved. +I shall have to begin another." + +There's a conscience for you! There's realism! Enid should go far. + +I have been wondering if there are any other writers of serial stories +whose readers would not suffer if similar visitations of inevitability +came to them. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DO TELL ME, UNCLE, ALL ABOUT THIS PERSIFLAGE YOU PUT +ON YOUR TENTS."] + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "SOME OF THE FREAKS FOUND IN NATURE + DOG MOTHERS TURKEYS + IRISH PEERESS IN KHAKI." + + _Toronto Star Weekly._ + + * * * * * + + "Attracted by anti-aircraft guns the Zeppelin bounded + upwards."--_Daily Chronicle_. + +That was in France. In England the lack of firing (according to our +pusillanimous critics) was positively repulsive. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tommy_. "'ANDS UP, ALL OF YER, I'M GOIN' ON LEAVE +TERMORRER. AIN'T GOT NO TIME TO WASTE."] + + * * * * * + +OUR INNOCENT SUBALTERNS. + +The leave-boat had come into port and there was the usual jam +around the gangways. On the quay at the foot of one of them was a +weary-looking officer performing the ungrateful task of detailing +officers for tours of duty with the troops. He had squares of white +cardboard in his hand, and here and there, as the officers trooped +down the gangway, he picked out a young and inoffensive-looking +subaltern and subpoenaed him. + +I chanced to notice a young and rosy-cheeked second-lieutenant, +innocent of the ways of this rude world, and I knew he was doomed. + +As he passed out on to the wharf I saw him receive one of those white +cards; he was also told to report to the corporal at the end of the +quay. + +I saw him slip behind a truck, where he left his bag and haversack, +his gloves and his cane, and when he reappeared on the far side he had +on his rain-coat, without stars. He had also altered the angle of his +cap. + +He waited near the foot of the other gangway, which was unguarded. I +drew nearer to see what he would do. Presently down the plank came +an oldish man--a lieutenant with a heavy moustache and two African +ribbons. My young friend stepped forward. + +"You are detailed for duty," I heard him say. "You will report to the +N.C.O. at the end of the quay." His intonation was a model for the +Staff College. + +"Curse the thing! I knew I should be nabbed for duty," I heard the +veteran growl as he strode off with the white card... + +I met the young man later at the Hotel ----, where he had had the +foresight to wire for a room. As I had failed to do this, I was glad +to avail myself of his kind offer to share his accommodation. After +such hospitality I could not refuse him a lift in my car, as we were +both bound for the same part of the country. + +I did not learn until afterwards that a preliminary chat with my +chauffeur had preceded his hospitable advances. Whenever anybody tells +me that our subalterns of to-day lack _savoir faire_ or that they are +deficient in tactical initiative, I tell him that he lies. + + * * * * * + + "A Bachelor, 38, wishes meet Protestant, born 4th Sept., 1899, + or 17th, 18th Sept., 1886, plain looks; poverty no barrier; view + matrimony."--_The Age (Melbourne)_. + +For so broad-minded a man he seems curiously fastidious about dates. + + * * * * * + +HUMOURS OF THE WAR OFFICE. + +THE EXCHANGE. + + Captain A. and Captain B., + The one was in F, the other in E, + The one was rheumatic and shrank from wet feet, + The other had sunstroke and dreaded the heat. + + "If we could exchange," wrote B. to A., + "We should both keep fitter (the doctors say)," + And, A. agreeing, they humbly prayed + The great War Office to lend its aid. + + In less than a month they got replies, + A letter to each of the self-same size; + A.'s was: "Yes, you'll exchange with B."; + B.'s was: "No, you'll remain in E." + + * * * * * + +OUR MODEST PUBLICISTS. + + "I felt it to be my duty to say that and I said it; and, of + course, nobody took any notice."--_Mr. Robert Blatchford, in + "The Sunday Chronicle."_ + + * * * * * + + "CHRISTIANA, Thursday. + + Several hours' violent cannonading was heard in the Skagerack. + + Norwegian torpedoes proceeded thither to investigate."--_Toowoomba + Chronicle_ (_Queensland_). + +Intelligent creatures, they poke their noses into everything. + + * * * * * + +BEASTS ROYAL. + +VI. + +KING GEORGE'S DALMATIAN. A.D. 1823. + + Yellow wheels and red wheels, and wheels that squeak and roar, + Big buttons, brown wigs, and many capes of buff ... + Someone's bound for Sussex, in a coach-and-four; + And, when the long whips crack, + Running at the back + Barks the swift Dalmatian, whose spots are seven-score. + + White dust and grey dust, fleeting tree and tower, + Brass horns and copper horns, blowing loud and bluff ... + Someone's bound for Sussex, at eleven miles an hour; + And, when the long horns blow, + From the wheels below + Barks the swift Dalmatian, tongued like an apple-flower. + + Big domes and little domes, donkey-carts that jog, + High stocks and low pumps and admirable snuff ... + Someone strolls at Brighton, not very much incog.; + And, panting on the grass, + In his collar bossed with brass, + Lies the swift Dalmatian, the KING's plum-pudding dog. + + * * * * * + +CAMOUFLAGE CONVERSATION. + +It came as a shock to the Brigade Major that the brigade on his left +had omitted to let him know the time of their projected raid that +night. It came as a shock all the more because it was the General +himself who first noticed the omission, and it is a golden rule for +Brigade Majors that they should always be the first to think of +things. + +"Ring 'em up and ask," said the General. "Don't, of course, mention +the word 'raid' on the telephone. Call it--um--ah, oh, call it +anything you like so long as they understand what you mean." + +At times, to the casual eavesdropper, strange things must appear to +be going on in the British lines. It must be a matter of surprise, to +such a one, that the British troops can think it worth their while to +inform each other at midnight that "Two Emperors of Pongo have become +attached to Annie Laurie." Nor would it appear that any military +object would be served in passing on the chatty piece of information +that "there will be no party for Windsor to-morrow." This habit of +calling things and places as they most emphatically are not is but a +concession, of course, to the habits of the infamous Hun, who rightly +or wrongly is supposed to overhear everything one says within a mile +of the line. + +Thinking in the vernacular proper to people who keep the little +knowledge they have to themselves, the Brigade Major grasped the hated +telephone in the left hand and prepared to say a few words (also in +the vernacular) to his fellow Staff Officer a mile away. + +"Hullo!" Br-rr--Crick-crick. "Hullo, Signals! Give me S-Salmon." + +"Salmon? You're through, Sir," boomed a voice apparently within a foot +of his ear. + +"OO!" An earsplitting crack was followed by a mosquito-like voice +singing in the wilderness. + +"Hullo!" + +"Hullo!" + +"This is Pike." + +"This is Possum. H-hullo, Pike!" + +"Hullo, Possum!" + +"I say, look here, the General w-wants to know" (here he paused to +throw a dark hidden meaning into the word) "what time--_it_--is." + +"What time it is?" + +"Yes, what time _it_ is! _It_. Yes, what time it is"--repeated +_fortissimo ad lib_. + +"Eleven thirty-five." + +"Eleven thirty-five? Why, it's on now. I don't hear anything on the +Front?" + +"No, you wouldn't." + +"Why not?" + +"Because it's all quiet." + +"But you said s-something was on?" + +"No, I didn't. You asked me what time it was and I told you." + +Swallowing hard several times, Possum girded up his loins, so to +speak, gripped the telephone firmly in the right hand this time, and +jumped off again. His "Hullo" sent a thrill through even the Bosch +listening apparatus in the next sector. + +"Hullo! L-look here, Pike, we--want--to--know--what time _it_ is." + +"Eleven thir--" + +"No, no, _it_--_it_" + +"What?" + +"It! You _know_ what I mean. Damit, what can I call it? Oh--er, +_sports_; what time is your _high jump_?" he added, nodding and +winking knowingly. "Well, what time's the circus? When do you start +for Berlin?" + +"I say, Possum, are you all right, old chap?" said a voice full of +concern. + +A crop of full-bodied beads appeared on the Brigade Major's brow. +His right hand was paralysed by the unceasing grip of the receiver. +There was a strained look in his eyes as of a man watching for the +ration-party. + +"S-something," he said, calmly and surely mastering his +fate--"s-something is happening to-night." + +"You're a cheery sort of bloke, aren't you?" + +"Good God, are you cracked or what? There's a--" + +"Careful, careful!" called the General from his comfortable chair in +the other room. + +"O-oh!" sang the mosquito voice, "_now_ I know what you mean. You want +to know what time our--er--ha! ha! you know--the--er--don't you?" + +"The--ha! ha! yes"--they leered frightfully at each other; it was a +horrible spectacle. No one would think that Possum had so much latent +evil in him. + +"We sent you the time mid-day." + +"Well, we haven't had it. C-can you give me any indication, w-without +actually s-saying it, you know?" + +"Well now," said the mosquito, "You know how many years' service I've +got? Multiply by two and add the map square of this headquarters." + +"Well, look here," it sang again, "you remember the number of the +billet where I had dinner with you three weeks ago? Well, halve that +and add two." + +"Half nine and add two" (_aside_: "These midnight mathematics will be +the death of me--ah! that's between six and seven?"). _Aloud_: "But +that's daylight." + +"No, it isn't. Which dinner are you thinking of?" + +With the sweat pouring down his face, both hands now clasping the +telephone--his right being completely numbed--he called upon the gods +to witness the foolishness of mortals. Suddenly a hideous cackle of +mosquito-laughter filtered through and, by some diabolical contrivance +of the signals, the tiny voice swelled into a bellow close to his ear. + +"If you really want to know, old Possum," it said, "the raid took +place two hours ago!" + +"I hope," said Possum, much relieved, but speaking with concentrated +venom, "I h-hope you may be strafed with boiling-- Are you there?" +Being assured that he was he slapped his receiver twice, and, much +gratified at the unprintable expression of the twice-stunned-one at +the other end, went to tell the General--who, he found, had gone to +bed and was fast asleep. + + * * * * * + + "The customary oats were administered to the new + Judge."--_Perthshire Constitutional_. + +There had been some fear, we understand, that owing to the food +shortage he would have to be content with thistles. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Stout Lady (_discussing the best thing to do in an +air-raid_). "WELL, I ALWAYS RUNS ABOUT MESELF. YOU SEE, AS MY 'USBAND +SEZ, AN' VERY REASONABLE TOO, A MOVIN' TARGIT IS MORE DIFFICULT TO +'IT."] + + * * * * * + +THE OLD FORMULA. + +Private Brown lay upon his pillows thoughtfully sucking the new pencil +given him by his mate in the next bed. Propped against the cradle that +covered his shattered knee was a pad, to which a sheet of paper had +been fixed, and he was about to write a letter to his wife. + +It was plainly to be an effort, for apart from the fact that he was +never a scholar there was the added uncertainty of his long disused +right hand to be reckoned with; but at last he grasped the pencil with +all the firmness he could muster and began:-- + +"DEAR WIFE,--I got your letter about Jim he ought to gone long ago, +shirking I calls it. This hospital is very nice and when you come down +from London youll see all the flowers and the gramophone which is a +fair treat. My wounds is slow and I often gets cramp." + +No sooner was the fatal word written than the fingers of his right +hand began to stiffen, the pencil fell upon the bed, then rolled +dejectedly to the floor, where the writer said it might stay for +all he cared. + +"You must let me finish the letter," said I, when his hand had been +rubbed and tucked away in a warm mitten. + +"Thank you, Miss; I was getting on nicely, and there's not much more +to say," he returned ruefully, scanning the wavering lines before him. + +"Well, shall I go on for a bit and let you wind up," said I, +unscrewing my pen and taking the pad on my knee. + +"Me telling you what to put like?" he asked with a look of pleased +relief. + +"That's it. Just say what you would write down yourself." + +He cleared his throat. + +"DEAR WIFE," he resumed, "the wounds is ... awful, not letting me +write at all. The one in my back is as long as your arm, and they says +it will heal quicker than the one in my knee, which has two tubes in +which they squirts strong-smelling stuff through. The foot is a pretty +sight, as big as half a melon, and I doubts ever being able to put it +to the ground again, though they says I shall. I gets very stiff at +nights and the pain sometimes is cruel, but they gives me a prick with +the morphia needle then which makes me dream something beautiful...." + +There was a pause while he indulged in a smiling reverie. + +"Perhaps we have said enough about your pains," I ventured, when, +returning from his visions, he puckered his brows in fresh thought. +"Your wife might be frightened if--" + +"Not her," he interrupted proudly. "She's a rare good nurse herself, +and it would take more than that to turn _her_ up." + +I shook my pen; he shifted his head a little and continued:-- + +"DEAR WIFE,--If you could see my shoulder dressed of a morning you +would laugh. They cuts out little pieces of lint like a picture puzzle +to fit the places, and I've got a regular map of Blighty all down my +arm; but that's not so bad as my back, which I cannot see and which +the wound is as long--" + +I blotted the sheet and turned over, and Private Brown eyed the space +left for further cheerful communications. + +"Shall I leave this for you to finish?" I suggested, thinking of +tender messages difficult to dictate. "Your fingers may be better +after tea, or perhaps to-morrow morning." + +"That's all right, Miss. There's nothing more to put except my name, +if you'll just say, "Good-bye, dear wife, hoping this finds you well +as it leaves me at present." + + * * * * * + +FAIR WARNING. + + "A POPULAR CONCERT WILL BE HELL IN THE PORTEOUS HALL, On + Friday, 2nd November."--_Scotch Paper_. + + * * * * * + +CURRAGH MEETING. + + Judea . . . . . . . . . . . E.M. Quirke 1 + Elfterion . . . . . . . . . . . M. Wing 2 + Tut Ttlddddddrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr aY + Tut Tut . . . . . . . . . . . . J. Dines 3 + + _Provincial Paper_. + + From which it is to be inferred + The angry printer backed the third. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WELL, UPON MY WORD! AFTER ALL THE TROUBLE I HAD TO GET +A QUARTER OF A POUND OF BUTTER, THE COOK'S SENT UP MARGARINE. I SHOULD +HATE THE MAIDS TO GO SHORT, BUT I _DO_ THINK WE OUGHT TO _SHARE_ +THINGS."] + + * * * * * + +THE ULTIMATE OUTRAGE. + + I had a favourite shirt for many moons, + Soft, silken, soothing and of tenderest tone, + Gossamer-light withal. The Subs., my peers, + Envied the garment, ransacking the land + To find a shirt its equal--all in vain. + For, when we tired of shooting at the Hun + And other Batteries clamoured for their share + And we resigned positions at the front + To dally for a space behind the line, + To shed my war-worn vesture I was wont-- + The G.S. boots, the puttees and the pants + That mock at cut and mar the neatest leg, + The battle-jacket with its elbows patched + And bands of leather, round its hard-used cuffs, + And, worst of all, the fuggy flannel shirt, + Rough and uncouth, that suffocates the soul; + And in their stead I donned habiliments + Cadets might dream of--serges with a waist, + And breeches cut by Blank (you know the man, + Or dare not say you don't), long lustrous boots, + And gloves canary-hued, bright primrose ties + Undimmed by shadows of Sir FRANCIS LLOYD-- + And, like a happy mood, I wore the shirt. + It was a woven breeze, a melody + Constrained by seams from melting in the air, + A summer perfume tethered to a stud, + The cool of evening cut to lit my form-- + And I shall wear it now no more, no more! + + There came a day we took it to be washed, + I and my batman, after due debate. + A little cottage stood hard by the road + Whose one small window said, in manuscript, + "Wasching for soldiers and for officers," + And there we left my shirt with anxious fears + And fond injunctions to the Belgian dame. + So it was washed. I marked it as I passed + Waving svelte arms beneath the kindly sun + As if it semaphored to its own shade + That answered from the grass. I saw it fill + And plunge against its bonds--methought it yearned + To join its tameless kin, the airy clouds. + And as I saw it so, I sang aloud, + "To-morrow I shall wear thee! Haste, O Time!" + Fond, futile dream! That very afternoon, + Her washing taken in and folded up + (My shirt, my shirt I mourn for, with the rest), + The frugal creature locked and left her cot + To cut a cabbage from a neighbour's field. + Then, without warning, from the empurpled sky, + Swift with grim dreadful purpose, swooped a shell + (Perishing Percy was the name he bore + Amongst, the irreverent soldiery), ah me! + And where the cottage stood there gaped a gulf; + The jewel and the casket vanished both. + + * * * * * + + Were there no other humble homes but that + For the vile Hun to fire at? Did some spy, + In bitter jealousy, betray my shirt? + What boots it to lament? The shirt is gone. + It was not meant for such an one as I, + A plain rough gunner with one only pip. + No doubt 'twas destined for some lofty soul + Who in a deck-chair lolls, and marks the map + And says, "Push here," while I and all my kind + Scrabble and slaughter in the appointed slough. + But I, presumptuous, wore it, till the gods + Called for my laundry with a thunderbolt. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HOW TO LOSE THE WAR AT HOME.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, October 22nd._--The fact that a couple of German raiders +contrived to slip through the North Sea patrol the other night was +made the excuse for an attack upon the Admiralty. Sir Eric Geddes came +down specially to assure the House that if it viewed things "in the +right perspective" it would realise that such isolated incidents were +unavoidable. Members generally were convinced, I think, by the sight +of the First Lord's bulldog jaw, even more than by his words, that the +Navy would not loose its grip on the enemy's throat. + +If "darkness and composure" are, as we have been told, the best +antidotes to an air-raid, where would you be more likely to find +them than in a CAVE? The HOME SECRETARY'S explanation did not, of +course, satisfy "P.B."--initials now standing for "Pull Baker"--who, +in a voice of extra raucosity, caused by his _al-fresco_ oratory +in East Islington, demanded that protection should be afforded +to--ballot-boxes. But he and Mr. JOYNSON-HICKS and Mr. DILLON--whose +sudden solicitude for the inhabitants of London was gently chaffed +by Mr. CHAMBERLAIN--were deservedly trounced by Mr. BONAR LAW, who +declared that if their craven squealings were typical he should +despair of victory. + +Who says that the removal of the grille has had no effect upon +politics? Exposed to the unimpeded gaze of the ladies in the Gallery +the House decided with great promptitude that the female voter should +not be called upon to state her exact age, but need only furnish a +statutory declaration that she was over thirty. + +_Tuesday, October 23rd._--So far as I know, the duties of a Junior +Lord of the Treasury have never been exactly defined. Apparently +those of Mr. PRATT include the compilation of a "London Letter," to +be sent to certain favoured newspapers. In one of them he appears to +have stated that Mr. ASQUITH'S condition of health was so precarious +that there was little likelihood of his resuming an active part in +politics. It was pleasant, therefore, to see the ex-Premier in his +place again, and able to contribute to the Irish debate a speech +showing no conspicuous failure either of intellect or verbal felicity. + +[Illustration: _Mr. Duke_. "HERE, I SAY--" + +_Mr. Redmond_. "SURE AN' I'M SORRY, BUT THE GINTLEMAN BEHIND PUSHED +ME."] + +Both Mr. REDMOND and Mr. DUKE had drawn a very gloomy picture of +present-day Ireland--the former, of course, attributing it entirely +to the ineptitudes of the "Castle," and being careful to say little +or nothing to hurt the feelings of the Sinn Feiners, while the latter +ascribed it to the rebellious speeches and actions of Mr. DE VALERA +and the other hillside orators whom for some inscrutable reason he +leaves at large. + +I hope Mr. ASQUITH was justified in assuming that the Sinn Fein +excesses were only an expression of the "rhetorical and contingent +belligerency" always present in Ireland, and that in spite of them the +Convention would make all things right. + +Meanwhile the Sinn Feiners have refused to take part in it. And not a +single Nationalist Member dared to denounce them to-night. Mr. T.M. +HEALY even gave them his blessing, for whatever that may be worth. + +_Wednesday, October 24_.--The strange case of Mrs. BESANT and Mr. +MONTAGU was brought before the Upper House by Lord SYDENHAM, who hoped +the Government were not going to make concessions to the noisy people +who wanted to set up a little oligarchy in India. The speeches of +Lord ISLINGTON and Lord CURZON did not entirely remove the impression +that the Government are a little afraid of Mrs. BESANT and her power +of "creating an atmosphere" by the emission of "hot air." Apparently +there is room for only one orator in India at a time, for it was +expressly stated that Mr. MONTAGU, who got back into office shortly +after the delivery of what Lord LANSDOWNE characterised as an +"intemperate" speech on Indian affairs, has given an undertaking not +to make any speech at all during his progress through the Peninsula. + +_Thursday, October 25th_.--Irish Members have first cut at the +Question-time cake on Thursdays, and employ their opportunity to +advertise their national grievances. Mr. O'LEARY, for example, drew +a moving picture of a poor old man occupying a single room, and +dependent for his subsistence on the grazing of a hypothetical cow; he +had been refused a pension by a hard-hearted Board. Translated into +prosaic English by the CHIEF SECRETARY it resolved itself into the +case of a farmer who had deliberately divested himself of his property +in the hope of "wangling" five shillings a week out of the Treasury. + +According to Mr. BYRNE the Lord Mayor of DUBLIN has been grossly +insulted by a high Irish official, who must be made to apologise or +resign. Again Mr. DUKE was unreceptive. He had seen the LORD MAYOR, +who disclaimed any responsibility for his self-constituted champion. +Mr. BYRNE should now be known as "the cuckoo in the mare's nest." + +An attack upon the Petroleum Royalties was led by Mr. ADAMSON, the +new Chairman of the Labour Party, who was cordially congratulated by +the COLONIAL SECRETARY on his appointment. Mr. LONG might have been a +shade less enthusiastic if he had foreseen the sequel. His assurance +that there was "nothing behind the Bill" was only too true. There was +not even a majority behind it; for the hostile amendment was carried +by 44 votes to 35, and the LLOYD GEORGE Administration sustained its +first defeat. "Nasty slippery stuff, oil," muttered the Government +Whip. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE UNSEEN HAND. + +_Bill_. "A FELLER IN THIS HERE PAPER SAYS AS WE AIN'T FIGHTING THE +GERMAN PEOPLE." + +_Gus_. "INDEED! DOES THE BLINKIN' IDIOT SAY WHO WE'VE BEEN UP AGAINST +ALL THIS TIME?"] + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, at once, three Slack Carters; constant + employment."--_Lancaster Observer_. + +We fear that intending applicants may be put off by the conditions. + + * * * * * + + "WHERE MY CARAVAN HAS RESTED--in A flat."--_Advt. in Provincial + Paper_. + +And, in the recent weather, a very good place for it. + + * * * * * + +WAR-TIME TAGS FROM "JULIUS CÆSAR." + +A "TAKE COVER" CONSTABLE TO A "SPECIAL." + + "I'll about, + And drive away the vulgar from the streets; + So do you too, where you perceive them thick."--_Act I. Sc. 1_. + +A WISE MAN. + + "Good night, then, Casca: this disturbéd sky + Is not to walk in."--_Act I. Sc. 3_. + +A RASH MAN. + + "For my part, I have walked about the streets... + Even in the aim and very flash of it."--_Act I. Sc. 3_. + +TO A MUNITION STRIKER. + + "But wherefore art not in thy shop to-day?"--_Act I. Sc. 1_. + +TO A LADY CLERK. + + "Is this a holiday? + What dost thou with thy best apparel on?"--_Act I. Sc. 1_. + +TO LORD RHONDDA +(_with a whear and potato war-loaf_). + + "Till then, my noble friend, chew upon this."--_Act I. Sc. 2_. + + * * * * * + +THE TRANSLATOR SEES THROUGH IT. + +Announcement by a French publisher:-- + + "Vient de paraitre:--'M. Britling commence à voir clair.'" + + * * * * * + + "MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS. + + A Large Quantity of Old Bricks for Sale."--_Dublin Evening + Herald_. + +Do not shoot the pianist. Throw a brick at him instead. + + * * * * * + +Regarding a certain judge:-- + + "Hence so many reversals by the Court of Appeal that suitors + were often more uneasy if they lost their case before him than + if they won it."--_Irish Times_. + +We assume that they were Irishmen. + + * * * * * + + "Elderly Lady Requires Post, as companion, Secretary or any + position of trust, would keep clergyman's wife in Parish, + etc."--_Church Family Newspaper_. + +But the difficulty with the parson's wife in some parishes, we are +told, is just the reverse of this. + + * * * * * + + "Duck and drake (wild) wanted; must be tame."--_Scotsman_. + +We dislike this frivolity in a serious paper. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR YOUNG VETERANS. + +_Grandfather_. "JUST HAD A TOPPING BIT OF NEWS, OLD DEAR. GERALD'S +WANGLED THE D.S.O." + +_Granny_. "ABSOLUTELY _PRICELESS_, OLD THING. ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT +CHILD WAS _SOME_ NIB."] + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +Albert Edward and I are on detachment just now. I can't mention what +job we are on because HINDENBURG is listening. He watches every move +made by Albert Edward and me and disposes his forces accordingly. Now +and again he forestalls us, now and again he don't. On the former +occasions he rings up LUDENDORFF, and they make a night of it with +beer and song; on the latter he pushes the bell violently for the old +German god. + +The spot Albert Edward and I inhabit just now is very interesting; +things happen all round us. There is a tame balloon tied by a string +to the back garden, an ammunition column on either flank and an +infantry battalion camped in front. Aeroplanes buzz overhead in flocks +and there is a regular tank service past the door. One way and another +our present location fairly teems with life; Albert Edward says it +reminds him of London. To heighten the similarity we get bombed every +night. + +Promptly after Mess the song of the bomb-bird is heard. The +searchlights stab and slash about the sky like tin swords in a stage +duel; presently they pick up the bomb-bird--a glittering flake of +tinsel--and the racket begins. Archibalds pop, machine guns chatter, +rifles crack, and here and there some optimistic sportsman browns the +Milky Way with a revolver. As Sir I. NEWTON'S law of gravity is still +in force and all that goes up must come down again, it is advisable to +wear a parasol on one's walks abroad. + +In view of the heavy lead-fall Albert Edward and I decided to have a +dug-out. We dug down six inches and struck water in massed formation. +I poked a finger into the water and licked it. "Tastes odd," said I, +"brackish or salt or something." + +"We've uncorked the blooming Atlantic, that's what," said Albert +Edward; "cork it up again quickly or it'll bob up and swamp us." That +done, we looked about for something that would stand digging into. The +only thing we could find was a molehill, so we delved our way into +that. We are residing in it now, Albert Edward, Maurice and I. We have +called it "_Mon Repos_," and stuck up a notice saying we are inside, +otherwise visitors would walk over it and miss us. + +The chief drawback to "_Mon Repos_" is Maurice. Maurice is the +proprietor by priority, a mole by nature. Our advent has more or less +driven him into the hinterland of his home and he is most unpleasant +about it. He sits in the basement and sulks by day, issuing at night +to scrabble about among our boots, falling over things and keeping us +awake. If we say "Boo! Shoo!" or any harsh word to him he doubles +up the backstairs to the attic and kicks earth over our faces at +three-minute intervals all night. + +Albert Edward says he is annoyed about the rent, but I call that +absurd. Maurice is perfectly aware that there is a war on, and to +demand rent from soldiers who are defending his molehill with their +lives is the most ridiculous proposition I ever heard of. As I said +before, the situation is most unpleasant, but I don't see what we can +do about it, for digging out Maurice means digging down "_Mon Repos_," +and there's no sense in that. Albert Edward had a theory that the +mole is a carnivorous animal, so he smeared a worm with carbolic +tooth-paste and left it lying about. It lay about for days. Albert now +admits his theory was wrong; the mole is a vegetarian, he says; he was +confusing it with trout. He is in the throes of inventing an explosive +potato for Maurice on the lines of a percussion grenade, but in the +meanwhile that gentleman remains in complete mastery of the situation. + +The balloon attached to our back garden is very tame. Every morning +its keepers lead it forth from its abode by strings, tie it to a +longer string and let it go. All day it remains aloft, tugging gently +at its leash and keeping an eye on the War. In the evening the keepers +appear once more, haul it down and lead it home for the night. It +reminds me for all the world of a huge docile elephant being bossed +about by the mahout's infant family. I always feel like giving the +gentle creature a bun. + +Now and again the Bosch birds come over disguised as clouds and spit +mouthfuls of red-hot tracer-bullets at it, and then the observers hop +out. One of them "hopped out" into my horse-lines last week. That is +to say his parachute caught in a tree and he hung swinging, like a +giant pendulum, over my horses' backs until we lifted him down. He +came into "_Mon Repos_" to have bits of tree picked out of him. This +was the sixth plunge overboard he had done in ten days, he told us. +Sometimes he plunged into the most embarrassing situations. On one +occasion he dropped clean through a bivouac roof into a hot bath +containing a Lieutenant-Colonel, who punched him with a sponge and +threw soap at him. On another he came fluttering down from the blue +into the midst of a labour company of Chinese coolies, who immediately +fell on their faces, worshipping him as some heavenly being, and later +cut off all his buttons as holy relics. An eventful life. + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +A PRECOCIOUS INFANT. + + "Will any kind lady adopt nice healthy baby girl, 6 weeks old, + good parentage; seen London."--_Times_. + + * * * * * + + "The King has given £100 to the Victoria Station free buffet + for sailors and soldiers."--_The Times_. + +In the days of RICHARD I. it was a commoner who furnished the King in +this respect. _Vide_ Sir WALTER SCOTT'S _Ivanhoe_, vol. ii., chap. +9: "Truly, friend," said the Friar, clenching his huge fist, "I will +bestow a buffet on thee." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Prisoner_ (_on his dignity_). "BUT YOU VOS NOT KNOW +VOT I AM. I AM A SERGEANT-MAJOR IN DER PRUSSIAN GUARD." + +_Tommy_. "WELL, WOT ABAHT IT? I'M A PRIVATE IN THE WEST KENTS."] + + * * * * * + +RHYMES OF THE TIMES. + + There was an old man with otitis + Who was told it was chronic arthritis; + On the sixth operation, + Without hesitation + They said that he died of phlebitis. + + A school just assembled for Prep. + Were warned of an imminent Zepp, + But they said, "What a lark! + Now we're all in the dark + So we shan't have to learn any Rep." + + Mr. BREX, with the forename of TWELLS, + Against all the bishops rebels, + And so fiercely upbraids + Their remarks on air-raids + That he rouses the envy of WELLS. + + The American miracle, FORD, + By pacificists once was adored; + Now their fury he raises + By winning the praises + Of England's great super-war-lord. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted--a Pair of Lady's Riding Boots, black or brown, size of + foot 4, diam. of calf 14 inches."--_Statesman_ (_Calcutta_). + +Great Diana! + + * * * * * + + "WANTED--Late Model, 5-passenger McLaughlin, Hudson, Paige, or + Cadillac car, in exchange for 5-crypt family de luxe section, + value $1,500, in Forest Lawn, Mausoleum."--_Toronto Daily Star_. + +With some difficulty we refrain from reviving the old joke about the +quick and the dead. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW MRS. MARKHAM. + +III. + +CONVERSATION ON CHAPTER LXX. + +_Mary_. Do tell us something more, Mamma, about the Great Rebellion +and how it began. + +_Mrs. M_. Well, my dear, you must know that in the previous reign it +had been the fashion for middle-aged and elderly people to behave +and dress as if they were still juvenile. Mothers neglected their +daughters and went to balls and theatres every night, where they were +conspicuous for their extravagant attire and strange conversation. +They would not allow their daughters to smoke, or, if they did, +provided them with the cheapest cigarettes. Fathers of even advanced +years wore knickerbocker suits on all occasions and spent most of +their time playing a game called golf. This at last provoked a violent +reaction, and the Great Rebellion was the consequence. Although there +was no bloodshed many distressing scenes were enacted and something +like a Reign of Terror prevailed for several years. + +_Richard_. Oh, Mamma, please go on! + +_Mrs. M_. Parents trembled at the sight of their children, and +fathers, even when they were sixty years old, stood bareheaded before +their sons and did not dare to speak without permission. Mothers never +sat down in the presence of their grown-up daughters, but stood in +respectful silence at the further end of the room, and were only +allowed to smoke in the kitchen. + +_George_. That cannot have been very good for the cooking. + +_Mrs. M_. The daughters of the family were seldom educated at home, +and when they returned to their father's roof their parents were only +admitted into the presence of their children during short and stated +periods. + +_Mary_. And when did the English begin to grow kinder to their +parents? + +_Mrs. M_. I really cannot say. Perhaps a climax was reached in the +Baby Suffrage Act; but after that matters began to improve, and the +Married Persons Amusements Act showed a more tolerant spirit towards +the elderly. But even so lately as when my mother was a child young +people were often exceedingly harsh with their parents, and she has +told me how on one occasion she locked up her mother for several hours +in the coal-cellar for playing a mouth-organ in the bathroom without +permission. + +_Richard._ Pray, Mamma, did the English speak Irish then, as they do +now? + +_Mrs. M_. Compulsory Irish was introduced under ALFRED as a concession +to Ireland for the services rendered by that kingdom to art and +literature and the neutrality which it observed during England's wars. +There was a certain amount of opposition, but it was soon overcome +by ALFRED'S wisely insisting on the newspapers being printed in both +languages. Since then the variations in dialect and pronunciation +which prevailed in different districts of England have largely +disappeared, and from Land's End to John o' Groat's the bilingual +system is now securely established, though my mother told me that as a +child she once met an old man in Northumberland who could only speak a +few words of Irish, and had been deprived of his vote in consequence. + +_Richard_. What were the Thirty-Nine Articles? I don't think I ever +heard of them before. + +_Mrs. M_. When you are of a proper age to understand them they shall +be explained to you. They contained the doctrines of the Church of +England, but were abolished by Archbishop WELLS, who substituted +seventy-eight of his own. But as Mary is looking tired I will now +conclude our conversation. + + * * * * * + +THE MOTH PERIL. + + ["Fruit growers are warned to be on their guard against + the wingless moth, for lime-washing the trees is almost + useless."--_Evening Paper_.] + +If the brute ignores the notice, "Keep off the trees," order him away +in a sharp voice. + +Sulphuric acid is a most deadly antidote; but only the best should be +used. If the moth be held over the bottle for ten minutes it will show +signs of collapse and offer to go quietly. + +This pest abhors heat. A good plan is to heat the garden-roller in the +kitchen fire to a white heat and push it up the tree. + +A gramophone in full song, is also useful. After a few minutes the +moth will come out of its dug-out with an abstracted expression on its +face, and commit suicide by jumping into the mouth of the trumpet. + + * * * * * + +A COMFORTING THOUGHT FOR USE ON WAR-TIME RAILWAYS. + + "To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive."--R.L. + STEVENSON. + + * * * * * + +From a parish magazine:-- + + "I know 'the war' still continues but these do not explain + everything. The large water tank at the schools is for sale--price + £5 10s. The sermons and as far as possible the music and hymns on + 21st (Trafalgar Day) will bear on the work of our incomparable + Navy." + +It is believed in the village that the parson is suffering from a rush +of Jumble Sales to the head. + + * * * * * + +HERBS OF GRACE. + +SWEET WOODRUFF. + +VII. + + Not for the world that we know, + But the lovelier world that we dream of + Dost thou, Sweet Woodruff, grow; + Not of this world is the theme of + The scent diffused + From thy bright leaves bruised; + Not in this world hast thou part or lot, + Save to tell of the dream one, forgot, forgot. + + Sweet Woodruff, thine is the scent + Of a world that was wise and lowly, + Singing with sane content, + Simple and clean and holy, + Merry and kind + As an April wind, + Happier far for the dawn's good gold + Than the chinking chaffer-stuff hard and cold. + + Thine is the odour of praise + In the loved little country churches; + Thine are the ancient ways + Which the new Gold Age besmirches; + Cordials, wine + And posies are thine, + The adze-cut beams with thy bunches fraught, + And the kist-laid linen by maidens wrought. + + Clean bodies, kind hearts, sweet souls, + Delight and delighted endeavour, + A spirit that chants and trolls, + A world that doth ne'er dissever + The body's hire + And the heart's desire; + Ah, bright leaves bruised and brown leaves dry, + Odours that bid this world go by. + + W.B. + + * * * * * + + "Once or twice Mr. Dickens has taken the place of circuit judge + when the King's Bench roll has been repleted."--_Evening Paper_. + +This, of course, was before the War. Our judges never over-eat +themselves nowadays. + + * * * * * + +From a list of current prices:-- + + "Brazil nuts 1s. 2d., Barcelona nuts 10d. per lb.; demons + 1½d."--_Derbyshire Advertiser_. + +No mention being made of the place of origin of the last-named, it +looks very much as if there had been some trading with the enemy. + + * * * * * + +What America says to-day-- + + "Feminist circles are greatly interested in the announcement made + by Dr. Sargeant, of Harvard University, that women make as good + soldiers as men."--_Sunday Pictorial_. + +Canada does to-morrow-- + + "The Canadian Government has issued a proclamation calling up ... + childless widows between the ages of 20 and 34 comprised in Class + 1 of the Military Service Act."--_Yorkshire Evening Paper_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mike (in bath-chair)_. "DID YE SAY WE'LL BE TURNING +BACK, DENNIS? SURE THE EXERCISE WILL BE DOING US GOOD IF WE GO A BIT +FURTHER."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +The numerous members of the public who like to take their printer's +ink with something more than a grain of sea-salt will welcome +_Sea-Spray and Spindrift_ (PEARSON), by their tried and trusted +friend, TAFFRAIL, the creator of _Pincher Martin, O.D._ TAFFRAIL, it +must be admitted, has a dashing briny way with him. He doesn't wait to +describe sunsets and storm-clouds, but plunges at once into the thick +of things. Consequently his stories go with a swing and a rush, for +which the reader is duly grateful--that is, if he is a discerning +reader. Of the present collection most were written some time ago and +have no reference to the War. Such, for instance, is "The Escape of +the _Speedwell_," a capital story of the year 1805, which may serve to +remind us that even in the glorious days of NELSON the English Channel +was not always a healthy place for British shipping. "The Channel," +says TAFFRAIL, "swarmed with the enemy's privateers.... Even the +merchant-ships in the home-coming convoys, protected though they were +by men-of-war, were not safe from capture, while the hostile luggers +would often approach the English coast in broad daylight and harry the +hapless fishing craft within a mile or two of the shore." Yet there +does not appear to have been a panic, nor was anyone's blood demanded. +_Autres temps autres moeurs_. In "The Gun-Runners" the author +describes a shady enterprise undertaken successfully by a British +crew; but nothing comes amiss to TAFFRAIL, and he does it with equal +zest. "The Inner Patrol" and "The Luck of the Tavy" more than redress +the balance to the side of virtue and sound warfare. Both stories are +excellent. + + * * * * * + +Among the minor results following the entry of America into the War +has been the release from bondage of several diplomatic pens, whose +owners would, under less happy circumstances, have been prevented from +telling the world many stories of great interest. Here, for example, +is the late Special Agent and Minister Plenipotentiary of the United +States, Mr. LEWIS EINSTEIN, writing of his experiences _Inside +Constantinople, April-September, 1915_ (MURRAY). This is a diary +kept by the Minister during the period covered by the Dardanelles +Expedition. As such you will hardly expect it to be agreeable reading, +but its tragic interest is undeniable. Mr. EINSTEIN, as a sympathetic +neutral, saw everything, and his comments are entirely outspoken. We +know the Dardanelles story well enough by now from our own side; here +for the first time one may see in full detail just how near it came +to victory. It is a history of chances neglected, of adverse fate and +heroism frustrated, such as no Englishman can read unmoved. But the +book has also a further value in the light it throws upon the Armenian +massacres and the complicity of Germany therein. "Though in later +years German officialdom may seek to disclaim responsibility, the +broad fact remains of German military direction at Constantinople ... +during the brief period in which took place the virtual extermination +of the Armenian race in Asia Minor." It is one more stain upon a +dishonoured shield, not to be forgotten in the final reckoning. + + * * * * * + +I never met a story more aptly named than Mrs. BELLOC LOWNDES' _Love +and Hatred_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL). _Oliver Tropenell_ worshipped _Laura +Pavely_, who returned this attachment, despite the fact that she was +already married to _Godfrey_. _Godfrey_, for his part, loved _Katty +Winslow_, a young widow, who flirted equally with him, with _Oliver_, +and with _Laura's_ undesirable brother, _Gilbert_. So much for the +tender passion. As for the other emotion, _Oliver_ naturally hated +_Godfrey_; so did _Gilbert_. _Laura_ also came to share their +sentiment. By the time things had reached this climax the moment was +obviously ripe for the disappearance of the much detested one, in +order that the rest of the tale might keep you guessing which of the +three had (so to speak) belled the cat. Followers of Mrs. LOWNDES +will indeed have been anticipating poor _Godfrey's_ demise for some +time, and may perhaps think that she takes a trifle too long over +her arrangements for the event. They will almost certainly share my +view that the explanation of the mystery is far too involved and +unintelligible. I shall, of course, not anticipate this for you. +It has been said that the works of HOMER were not written by HOMER +himself, but by another man of the same name. This may, or may not, +give you a clue to the murder of _Godfrey Pavely_. I wish the crime +were more worthy of such an artist in creeps as Mrs. LOWNDES has +proved herself to be. + + * * * * * + +The test of the second water, as sellers of tea assure us, provides +proof of a quality for which one must go to the right market. BARONESS +ORCZY has not feared to put her most famous product, _The Scarlet +Pimpernel_, to a similar trial. Whether the result of this renewed +dilution is entirely satisfactory I leave you to judge, but certainly +at least something of the well-known and popular aroma of romantic +artificiality clings about the pages of her latest story, _Lord Tony's +Wife_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), while at the bottom of the cup there is +not a little dash of the old strong flavour. On the other hand, though +it may be that one's appetite grows less lusty, it does seem that +in all the earlier chapters there is some undue proportion of thin +and rather tepid preparation for episodes quite clearly on the way, +so that in the end even the masterly vigour of the much advertised +_Pimpernel_, in full panoply of inane laughter and unguessed disguise, +failed to astound and stagger me as much as I could have wished. _Lord +Tony_ was a healthy young Englishman with no particular qualities +calling for comment, and his wife an equally charming young French +heroine. After having escaped to England from the writer's beloved +Reign of Terror, the lady and her aristo father were comfortably +decoyed back to France by a son of the people whose qualifications for +the post of villain were none too convincing, and there all manner of +unpleasant things were by way of happening to them, when enter the +despairing husband with the dashing scarlet one at his side--_et voilà +tout_. The last few chapters come nearly or even quite up to the mark, +but as for most of the rest, I advise you to take them as read. + + * * * * * + +In _A Certain Star_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) Miss PHYLLIS BOTTOME +achieves the difficult feat of treating a love conceived in a +romantic vein without declining upon sentimentality, and seasons her +descriptions, which are shrewdly, sometimes delicately, observed, +with quite a pretty wit. I commend it as a sound, unpretentious, +honestly-written book. _Sir Julian Verny_, a baronet with brains and +a very difficult temper, falls a captive to _Marian's_ proud and +compelling beauty. Then, just before the War flames up, secret service +claims him, and he returns from a dangerous mission irretrievably +crippled. _Marian_ fails him. True, she disdains to be released, but +out of pride not out of love. It is little grey suppressed _Stella_ +(her light has been hidden under the dull bushel of a Town Clerk's +office) who comes into her kingdom and wins back an ultra-sensitive +despairing man to the joy of living and working and the fine humility +of being dependent instead of masterful. There are so many _Julians_ +and there's need of so many _Stellas_ these sad days that it is well +to have such wholesome doctrine stated with so courageous an optimism. + + * * * * * + +There is a sentence on page 149 of _A Castle to Let_ (CASSELL) which, +though not for its style, I feel constrained to quote: "It was a +glorious day, the sunshine poured through the green boughs, and the +moss made cradles in which most people went to sleep with their +novels." Well, given a warm day and a comfortable resting-place, this +book by Mrs. BAILLIE REYNOLDS would do excellently well either to +sleep or keep awake with, according to your mood. The scene of it is +laid in Transylvania, where a rich young Englishwoman took an old +castle for the summer. Incidentally I have learned something about the +inhabitants of Transylvania, but apart from that I know now exactly +what a novel for the holidays should contain. Its ingredients are many +and rather wonderful, but Mrs. REYNOLDS is a deft mixer, and her skill +in managing no fewer than three love affairs without getting them and +you into a tangle is little short of miraculous. Then we are given +plenty of legends, mysteries and dreams, just intriguing enough to +produce an eerie atmosphere, but not sufficiently exciting to cause +palpitations of the heart. Need I add that the tenant of the castle +married the owner of it? As she was both human and sporting, it +worries me to think that she may now be interned. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Patriot Golfer_ (_seeing British aeroplane and not +wanting to take any risks_). "FORE!"] + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +153, October 31, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11491 *** diff --git a/11491-h/11491-h.htm b/11491-h/11491-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0455044 --- /dev/null +++ b/11491-h/11491-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2282 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>The Project Gutenberg etext of Punch, Vol. 153, October 31, 1917.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11491 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 153.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>October 31, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page295" + id="page295"></a>[pg 295]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>The Ministry of Food has informed the Twickenham Food + Control Committee that a doughnut is not a bun. Local unrest + has been almost completely allayed by this prompt and fearless + decision.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Many London grocers are asking customers to hand in orders + on Monday to ensure delivery within a week. In justice to a + much-abused State department it must be pointed out that + telegrams are frequently delivered within that period without + any absurd restriction as to the day of handing in.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>No more hotels in London, says Sir ALFRED MOND, are to be + taken over at present by the Government, which since the War + began has commandeered nearly three hundred buildings. We + understand, however, that a really spectacular offensive is + being prepared for the Spring.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Several parties of Germans who escaped from internment camps + have been recaptured with comparative ease. It is supposed that + their gentle natures could no longer bear the spectacle of the + sacrifices that the simple Briton is enduring in order that + they may be well fed.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The <i>Globe</i> has just published an article entitled "The + End of the World." Our rosy contemporary is far too + pessimistic, we feel. Mr. CHURCHILL'S appointment as Minister + of the Air has not yet been officially announced.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The <i>Vossische Zeitung</i> reports that the KAISER refuses + to accept the resignation of Admiral VON CAPELLE. The career of + Germany's Naval chief seems to be dogged by persistent bad + luck.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Another scoop for <i>The Daily Telegraph.</i> "On October + 14, 1066, at nine A.M.," said a recent issue, "the Battle of + Hastings commenced."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We fear that our allotment-holders are losing their dash. + The pumpkin grown at Burwash Place, which measured six feet in + circumference, is still a pumpkin and not a potato.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Grimsby magistrates have decided not to birch boys in + the future, but to fine their parents. Several soft-hearted + boys have already indicated that it will hurt them more than + their parents.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A female defendant at a London police court last week was + given the choice of prison or marriage, and preferred to get + married. How like a woman!</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A correspondent protests against the high prices paid for + old postage-stamps at a recent sale, and points out that stamps + can be obtained at one penny each at most post-offices, all + ready for use.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A North of England lady last week climbed to the top of the + chimney-stack of a large munition works and affixed a silver + coin in the masonry. The lady is thought to be nervous of + pickpockets.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A contemporary wit declares that nothing gives him more + pleasure than to see golfers at dinner. He loves to watch them + doing the soup course, using one iron all the way round.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There is no truth in the rumour that during a recent + air-raid a man was caught on the roof of a certain Government + building in Whitehall signalling to the Germans where not to + drop their bombs.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It should be added that the practice of giving air-raid + warnings by notice published in the following morning's papers + has been abandoned only after the most exhaustive tests.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Home Office announces that while it has not definitely + decided upon the method of giving warnings at night it will + probably be by gun fire. To distinguish this fire from the + regular barrage it is ingeniously suggested that the guns + employed for the latter purpose shall be painted blue, or some + other distinctive colour.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is reported that Sinn Fein's second-best war-cry, "Up the + KAISER," is causing some irritation in the Wilhelmstrasse, + where it is freely admitted that the KAISER is already far + higher up than the circumstances justify.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Lambeth magistrate recently referred to the case of a + boy of fifteen who is paying income-tax. Friends of the youth + have since been heard to say that there is such a thing as + carrying the spirit of reckless bravado too far.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Farm work is proceeding slowly," says a Midland + correspondent of the Food Production Department. Those who + recall the impetuous abandon of the pre-war agriculturist may + well ask whether Boloism has not been work at again.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Railway fares in Germany have been doubled; but it is + doubtful if this transparent artifice will prevent the KAISER + from going about the place making speeches to his troops on all + the fronts.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is announced that promotion in the U.S. services will be + based solely on fitness, without regard to seniority. These are + the sort of revolutionists who would cover up grave defects in + army organisation by the meretricious expedient of winning the + War.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Inquiries, says <i>The Pall Mall Gazette</i>, disclose a + wide-spread habit among customers of bribing the assistants in + grocery shops. The custom among profiteers of giving them their + cast-off motor cars probably acted as the thin end of the + wedge.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A dear old lady writes that she is no longer nervous about + air-raids, now that her neighbourhood has been provided with an + anticraft airgun.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/295.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/295.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE AIR-RAID SEASON.</h3>THE RESULT OF A LITTLE + UNASSUMING ADVERTISEMENT: "CELLARMAN WANTED.—APPLY, + 82, —— STREET, W." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Food Economy in Ireland.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Gloves, stockings, boots and shoes betoken the energy + and meal of the day, something tasty is desirable, and a + very economical dish of this kind can be made by + making..."—<i>Belfast Evening Telegraph.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page296" + id="page296"></a>[pg 296]</span> + + <h2>ZEPP-FLIGHTING IN THE HAUTES ALPES.</h2> + + <h3><i>To J.M.</i></h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Recall, dear John, a certain day</p> + + <p class="i2">Back in the times of long ago—</p> + + <p>A stuffy old estaminet</p> + + <p class="i2">Under the great peaks fledged with + snow;</p> + + <p>The Spring that set our hearts rejoicing</p> + + <p class="i2">As up the serried mountains' bar</p> + + <p>We climbed our tortuous way Rolls-Roycing</p> + + <p class="i6">From Gap to Col Bayard.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Little we dreamed, though that high air</p> + + <p class="i2">Quickens imagination's flight,</p> + + <p>What monstrous bird and very rare</p> + + <p class="i2">Would in these parts some day alight;</p> + + <p>How, like a roc of Arab fable,</p> + + <p class="i2">A Zepp <i>en route</i> from London + town,</p> + + <p>Trying to find its German stable,</p> + + <p class="i6">Would here come blundering down.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The swallows—you remember? yes?—</p> + + <p class="i2">Northward, just then, were heading + straight;</p> + + <p>No hint they dropped by which to guess</p> + + <p class="i2">That other fowl's erratic fate;</p> + + <p>An inner sense supplied their vision;</p> + + <p class="i2">Not one of them contused his scalp</p> + + <p>Or lost his feathers in collision</p> + + <p class="i6">Bumping against an Alp.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But they, the Zepp-birds, flopped and barged</p> + + <p class="i2">From Lunéville to Valescure</p> + + <p>(Where we of old have often charged</p> + + <p class="i2">The bunkers of the Côte + d'Azur);</p> + + <p>And half a brace—so strange and far a</p> + + <p class="i2">Course to the South it had to + shape—</p> + + <p>Is still expected in Sahara</p> + + <p class="i6">Or possibly the Cape.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In happier autumns you and I</p> + + <p class="i2">(You by your art and I by luck)</p> + + <p>Have pulled the pheasant off the sky</p> + + <p class="i2">Or flogged to death the flighting + duck;</p> + + <p>But never yet—how few the chances</p> + + <p class="i2">Of pouching so superb a swag—</p> + + <p>Have we achieved a feat like France's</p> + + <p class="i6">Immortal gas-bag bag.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>PURPLE PATCHES FROM LORD YORICK'S GREAT BOOK.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Special Review</i>.)</h4> + + <p>Lord Yorick's <i>Reminiscences</i>, just published by the + house of Hussell, abound in genial anecdote, in which the + "personal note" is lightly and gracefully struck, in welcome + contrast to the stodgy political memoirs with which we have + been surfeited of late. We append some extracts, culled at + random from these jocund pages:—</p> + + <h4>THE SHAH'S ROMANCE.</h4> + + <p>"I don't suppose it is a State secret—but if it is + there can be no harm in divulging the fact—that there was + some thought of a marriage in the 'eighties' between the Shah + of PERSIA and the lovely Miss Malory, the lineal descendant of + the famous author of the Arthurian epic. Mr. GLADSTONE, Mme. DE + NOVIKOFF and the Archbishop of CANTERBURY were prime movers in + the negotiations. But the SHAH'S table manners and his + obstinate refusal to be converted to the doctrines of the + Anglican Church, on which Miss Malory insisted, proved an + insurmountable obstacle, and the arrangement, which might have + been fraught with inestimable advantages to Persia, came to + nought. Miss Malory afterwards became Lady Yorick."</p> + + <h4>PRACTICAL JOKING AT OXFORD IN THE "SIXTIES."</h4> + + <p>"Jimmy Greene, afterwards Lord Havering, whose rooms were + just below mine, suffered a good deal from practical jokers. + One day I was chatting with Reggie Wragge when we heard loud + cries for help just below us. We rushed down and found Jimmy in + the bath, struggling with a large conger-eel which had been + introduced by some of his friends. I held on to the monster's + tail, while Wragge severed its head with a carving-knife. Poor + Jimmy, who was always nervous and not very 'strong in his + intellects,' was much upset, and was shortly afterwards + ploughed for the seventh time in Smalls. He afterwards went + into diplomacy, but died young."</p> + + <h4>MRS. MANGOLD'S COMPLEXION.</h4> + + <p>"At one of these dances at Yorick Castle Mrs. Mangold, + afterwards Lady Rootham, was staying with us. She was a very + handsome woman, with a wonderful complexion, so brilliant, + indeed, that some sceptics believed it to be artificial. A plot + was accordingly hatched to solve the problem, and during a set + of Kitchen Lancers a syphon of soda-water was cleverly squirted + full in her face, but the colour remained fast. Mrs. Mangold, I + am sorry to say, failed to see the point of the joke, and fled + to her room, pursued as far as the staircase by a score or more + of cheering sportsmen."</p> + + <h4>THE ORDEAL OF LADY VERBENA SOPER.</h4> + + <p>"Mr. GOSCHEN, as he then was, was entertaining a large party + to dinner at Whitehall. He was at the time First Lord of the + Admiralty, and an awkward waiter upset an ice-pudding down the + back of Lady Verbena Soper, sister of Lady 'Loofah' Soper and + daughter of the Earl of Latherham, The poor lady cried out, + 'I'm scalded!' but our host, with great presence of mind, + dashed out, returning with a bundle of blankets and a can of + hot water, which he promptly poured on to the ice-pudding. The + sufferer was then wrapped up in the blankets and carried off to + bed; The waiter was of course sacked on the spot, but was saved + from prosecution at the express request of his victim and + assisted to emigrate to America, where I believe he did well on + an orange farm in Florida."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>IN A GOOD CAUSE.</h2> + + <p>There is no War-charity known to Mr. Punch that does better + work or more quietly than that which is administered by the + Children's Aid Committee, who provide homes in country cottages + and farm-houses for children, most of them motherless, of our + soldiers and sailors, visit them from time to time and watch + over their needs. Here in these homes their fathers, who are + kept informed of their children's welfare during their absence, + come to see them when on leave from the Front, and find them + gently cared for. Since the War began homes have been provided + for over two thousand four hundred children. A certain grant in + aid is allowed by the London War Pensions Committee, who have + learned to depend upon the Children's Aid Committee in their + difficulties about children, but for the most part this work + relies upon voluntary help, and without advertisement. Of the + money that came into the Committee's hands last year only about + two per cent. was paid away for salaries and office + expenses.</p> + + <p>More than a year ago Mr. Punch appealed on behalf of this + labour of love, and now he begs his readers to renew the + generous response which they made at that time. Gifts of money + and clothing, and offers of hospitality, will be gratefully + acknowledged by Miss MAXWELL LYTE, Hon. Treasurer of the + Children's Aid Committee, 50, South Molton Street, London, + W.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page297" + id="page297"></a>[pg 297]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/297.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/297.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>VIVE LA CHASSE!</h3>[With Mr. Punch's compliments to + our gallant Allies on their bag of Zepps.] + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page298" + id="page298"></a>[pg 298]</span> + + <h2>STRONGER THAN HERSELF.</h2> + + <p>In an assortment of nieces, totalling nine in all—but + two of them, being still, in Sir WALTER'S phrase, composed of + "that species of pink dough which is called a fine infant" do + not count—I think that my favourites are Enid and Hannah. + Enid being the daughter of a brother of mine, and Hannah of a + sister, they are cousins. They are also collaborators in + literature and joint editors of a magazine for family + consumption entitled <i>The Attic Salt-Cellar</i>. The word + "Attic" refers to the situation of the editorial office, which + is up a very perilous ladder, and "salt-cellar" was a + suggestion of my own, which, though adopted, is not yet + understood.</p> + + <p>During the search for pseudonyms for the staff—the + pseudonym is an essential in home journalism, and the easiest + way of securing it is to turn one's name round—we came + upon the astonishing discovery that Hannah is exactly the same + whether you spell it backwards or forwards. Hannah therefore + calls herself, again at my suggestion, "Pal," which is short + for "palindrome." We also discovered, to her intense delight, + that Enid, when reversed, makes "Dine"—a pleasant word + but a poor pseudonym. She therefore calls herself after her pet + flower, "Marigold."</p> + + <p>Between them Pal and Marigold do all the work. There is room + for an epigram if you happen to have one about you, or even an + ode, but they can get along without outside contributions. Enid + does most of the writing and Hannah copies it out.</p> + + <p>So much for prelude to the story of Enid's serial. Having + observed that all the most popular periodicals have serial + stories she decided that she must write one too. It was called + "The Prairie Lily," and begun splendidly. I give the list of + characters at the head of the first instalment:—</p> + + <p><i>The Duke of Week</i>, an angry father and member of the + House of Lords.</p> + + <p><i>The Duchess of Week</i>, his wife, once famous for her + beauty.</p> + + <p><i>Lady Lily</i>, their daughter, aged nineteen and very + lovely.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Ploot</i>, an American millionaire who loves the Lady + Lily.</p> + + <p><i>Lord Eustace Vavasour</i>, the Lady Lily's cousin, who + loves her.</p> + + <p><i>Jack Crawley</i>, a young farmer and the one that the + Lady Lily loves.</p> + + <p><i>Fanny Starlight</i>, a poor relation and the Lady Lily's + very closest friend.</p> + + <p><i>Webb</i>, the Lady Lily's maid.</p> + + <p>Such were the characters when the story began, and at the + end of the first instalment the author, with very great + ingenuity—or perhaps with only a light-hearted disregard + of probability—got the whole bunch of them on a liner + going to America. The last sentence described the vessel + gliding away from the dock, with the characters leaning over + the side waving good-bye. Even Jack Crawley, the young farmer, + was there; but he was not waving with the others, because he + did not want anyone to know that he knew the Lady Lily, or was + on board at all. Lord Eustace was on one side of the Lady Lily + as she waved, and Mr. Ploot on the other, and they were, of + course, consumed with jealousy of each other.</p> + + <p>Having read the first instalment, with the author's eye + fixed embarrassingly upon me, and the author giggling as she + watched, I said that it was very interesting; as indeed it was. + I went on to ask what part of America they were all going to, + and how it would end, and so on; and Enid sketched the probable + course of events, which included a duel for Lord Eustace and + Mr. Ploot (who turned out to be not a millionaire at all, but a + gentleman thief) and a very exciting time for the Lady Lily on + a ranche in Texas, whither she had followed Jack Crawley, who + was to become famous throughout the States as "The Cowboy + King." I forget about the Duke and Duchess, but a lover was to + be found on the ranche for Fanny Starlight; and Red Indians + were to carry off Webb, who was to be rescued by the Cowboy + King; and so on. There were, in short, signs that Enid had not + only read the feuilletons in the picture papers but had been to + the Movies too. But no matter what had influenced her, the + story promised well.</p> + + <p>Judge then my surprise when on opening the next number of + <i>The Attic Salt-Cellar</i> I found that the instalment of the + serial consisted only of the following:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>THE PRAIRIE LILY.</p> + + <p>CHAPTER II.</p> + + <p>All went merrily on the good ship <i>Astarte</i> until + the evening of the third day out, when it ran into another + and larger ship and was sunk with all hands. No one was + saved.</p> + + <p>THE END.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>"But, my dear," I said, "you can't write novels like + that."</p> + + <p>"Why not, Uncle Dick?" Enid asked.</p> + + <p>"Because it's not playing the game," I said. "After arousing + everyone's interest and exciting us with the first chapter, you + can't stop it all like this."</p> + + <p>"But it happened," she replied. "Ships often sink, Uncle + Dick, and this one sank."</p> + + <p>"Well, that's all right," I said, "but, my dear child, why + drown everyone? Why not let your own people be saved? Not the + Duke and Duchess, perhaps, but the others. Think of all those + jolly things that were going to happen in Texas, and the duel, + and—"</p> + + <p>"Yes, I know," she replied sadly. "It's horrid to have to + give them up, but I couldn't help it. The ship would sink and + no one was saved. I shall have to begin another."</p> + + <p>There's a conscience for you! There's realism! Enid should + go far.</p> + + <p>I have been wondering if there are any other writers of + serial stories whose readers would not suffer if similar + visitations of inevitability came to them.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/298.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/298.png" + alt="" /></a>"DO TELL ME, UNCLE, ALL ABOUT THIS + PERSIFLAGE YOU PUT ON YOUR TENTS." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Another Impending Apology.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"SOME OF THE FREAKS FOUND IN NATURE</p> + + <p>DOG MOTHERS TURKEYS</p> + + <p>IRISH PEERESS IN KHAKI."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2"><i>Toronto Star Weekly.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Attracted by anti-aircraft guns the Zeppelin bounded + upwards."—<i>Daily Chronicle</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>That was in France. In England the lack of firing (according + to our pusillanimous critics) was positively repulsive.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page299" + id="page299"></a>[pg 299]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/299.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/299.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Tommy</i>. "'ANDS UP, ALL OF YER, I'M + GOIN' ON LEAVE TERMORRER. AIN'T GOT NO TIME TO WASTE." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR INNOCENT SUBALTERNS.</h2> + + <p>The leave-boat had come into port and there was the usual + jam around the gangways. On the quay at the foot of one of them + was a weary-looking officer performing the ungrateful task of + detailing officers for tours of duty with the troops. He had + squares of white cardboard in his hand, and here and there, as + the officers trooped down the gangway, he picked out a young + and inoffensive-looking subaltern and subpoenaed him.</p> + + <p>I chanced to notice a young and rosy-cheeked + second-lieutenant, innocent of the ways of this rude world, and + I knew he was doomed.</p> + + <p>As he passed out on to the wharf I saw him receive one of + those white cards; he was also told to report to the corporal + at the end of the quay.</p> + + <p>I saw him slip behind a truck, where he left his bag and + haversack, his gloves and his cane, and when he reappeared on + the far side he had on his rain-coat, without stars. He had + also altered the angle of his cap.</p> + + <p>He waited near the foot of the other gangway, which was + unguarded. I drew nearer to see what he would do. Presently + down the plank came an oldish man—a lieutenant with a + heavy moustache and two African ribbons. My young friend + stepped forward.</p> + + <p>"You are detailed for duty," I heard him say. "You will + report to the N.C.O. at the end of the quay." His intonation + was a model for the Staff College.</p> + + <p>"Curse the thing! I knew I should be nabbed for duty," I + heard the veteran growl as he strode off with the white + card...</p> + + <p>I met the young man later at the Hotel ——, where + he had had the foresight to wire for a room. As I had failed to + do this, I was glad to avail myself of his kind offer to share + his accommodation. After such hospitality I could not refuse + him a lift in my car, as we were both bound for the same part + of the country.</p> + + <p>I did not learn until afterwards that a preliminary chat + with my chauffeur had preceded his hospitable advances. + Whenever anybody tells me that our subalterns of to-day lack + <i>savoir faire</i> or that they are deficient in tactical + initiative, I tell him that he lies.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A Bachelor, 38, wishes meet Protestant, born 4th Sept., + 1899, or 17th, 18th Sept., 1886, plain looks; poverty no + barrier; view matrimony."—<i>The Age</i> + (<i>Melbourne</i>).</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>For so broad-minded a man he seems curiously fastidious + about dates.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HUMOURS OF THE WAR OFFICE.</h2> + + <h3>THE EXCHANGE.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Captain A. and Captain B.,</p> + + <p>The one was in F, the other in E,</p> + + <p>The one was rheumatic and shrank from wet feet,</p> + + <p>The other had sunstroke and dreaded the heat.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"If we could exchange," wrote B. to A.,</p> + + <p>"We should both keep fitter (the doctors say),"</p> + + <p>And, A. agreeing, they humbly prayed</p> + + <p>The great War Office to lend its aid.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In less than a month they got replies,</p> + + <p>A letter to each of the self-same size;</p> + + <p>A.'s was: "Yes, you'll exchange with B.";</p> + + <p>B.'s was: "No, you'll remain in E."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Our Modest Publicists.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"I felt it to be my duty to say that and I said it; and, + of course, nobody took any notice."—<i>Mr. Robert + Blatchford, in "The Sunday Chronicle."</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"CHRISTIANA, Thursday.</p> + + <p>Several hours' violent cannonading was heard in the + Skagerack.</p> + + <p>Norwegian torpedoes proceeded thither to + investigate."—<i>Toowoomba Chronicle</i> + (<i>Queensland</i>).</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Intelligent creatures, they poke their noses into + everything.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page300" + id="page300"></a>[pg 300]</span> + + <h2>BEASTS ROYAL.</h2> + + <h3>VI.</h3> + + <h3>KING GEORGE'S DALMATIAN. A.D. 1823.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yellow wheels and red wheels, and wheels that squeak + and roar,</p> + + <p class="i2">Big buttons, brown wigs, and many capes + of buff ...</p> + + <p>Someone's bound for Sussex, in a coach-and-four;</p> + + <p class="i2">And, when the long whips crack,</p> + + <p class="i2">Running at the back</p> + + <p>Barks the swift Dalmatian, whose spots are + seven-score.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>White dust and grey dust, fleeting tree and + tower,</p> + + <p class="i2">Brass horns and copper horns, blowing + loud and bluff ...</p> + + <p>Someone's bound for Sussex, at eleven miles an + hour;</p> + + <p class="i2">And, when the long horns blow,</p> + + <p class="i2">From the wheels below</p> + + <p>Barks the swift Dalmatian, tongued like an + apple-flower.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Big domes and little domes, donkey-carts that + jog,</p> + + <p class="i2">High stocks and low pumps and admirable + snuff ...</p> + + <p>Someone strolls at Brighton, not very much + incog.;</p> + + <p class="i2">And, panting on the grass,</p> + + <p class="i2">In his collar bossed with brass,</p> + + <p>Lies the swift Dalmatian, the KING's plum-pudding + dog.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>CAMOUFLAGE CONVERSATION.</h2> + + <p>It came as a shock to the Brigade Major that the brigade on + his left had omitted to let him know the time of their + projected raid that night. It came as a shock all the more + because it was the General himself who first noticed the + omission, and it is a golden rule for Brigade Majors that they + should always be the first to think of things.</p> + + <p>"Ring 'em up and ask," said the General. "Don't, of course, + mention the word 'raid' on the telephone. Call + it—um—ah, oh, call it anything you like so long as + they understand what you mean."</p> + + <p>At times, to the casual eavesdropper, strange things must + appear to be going on in the British lines. It must be a matter + of surprise, to such a one, that the British troops can think + it worth their while to inform each other at midnight that "Two + Emperors of Pongo have become attached to Annie Laurie." Nor + would it appear that any military object would be served in + passing on the chatty piece of information that "there will be + no party for Windsor to-morrow." This habit of calling things + and places as they most emphatically are not is but a + concession, of course, to the habits of the infamous Hun, who + rightly or wrongly is supposed to overhear everything one says + within a mile of the line.</p> + + <p>Thinking in the vernacular proper to people who keep the + little knowledge they have to themselves, the Brigade Major + grasped the hated telephone in the left hand and prepared to + say a few words (also in the vernacular) to his fellow Staff + Officer a mile away.</p> + + <p>"Hullo!" Br-rr—Crick-crick. "Hullo, Signals! Give me + S-Salmon."</p> + + <p>"Salmon? You're through, Sir," boomed a voice apparently + within a foot of his ear.</p> + + <p>"OO!" An earsplitting crack was followed by a mosquito-like + voice singing in the wilderness.</p> + + <p>"Hullo!"</p> + + <p>"Hullo!"</p> + + <p>"This is Pike."</p> + + <p>"This is Possum. H-hullo, Pike!"</p> + + <p>"Hullo, Possum!"</p> + + <p>"I say, look here, the General w-wants to know" (here he + paused to throw a dark hidden meaning into the word) "what + time—<i>it</i>—is."</p> + + <p>"What time it is?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, what time <i>it</i> is! <i>It</i>. Yes, what time it + is"—repeated <i>fortissimo ad lib</i>.</p> + + <p>"Eleven thirty-five."</p> + + <p>"Eleven thirty-five? Why, it's on now. I don't hear anything + on the Front?"</p> + + <p>"No, you wouldn't."</p> + + <p>"Why not?"</p> + + <p>"Because it's all quiet."</p> + + <p>"But you said s-something was on?"</p> + + <p>"No, I didn't. You asked me what time it was and I told + you."</p> + + <p>Swallowing hard several times, Possum girded up his loins, + so to speak, gripped the telephone firmly in the right hand + this time, and jumped off again. His "Hullo" sent a thrill + through even the Bosch listening apparatus in the next + sector.</p> + + <p>"Hullo! L-look here, Pike, + we—want—to—know—what time <i>it</i> + is."</p> + + <p>"Eleven thir—"</p> + + <p>"No, no, <i>it</i>—<i>it</i>"</p> + + <p>"What?"</p> + + <p>"It! You <i>know</i> what I mean. Damit, what can I call it? + Oh—er, <i>sports</i>; what time is your <i>high + jump</i>?" he added, nodding and winking knowingly. "Well, what + time's the circus? When do you start for Berlin?"</p> + + <p>"I say, Possum, are you all right, old chap?" said a voice + full of concern.</p> + + <p>A crop of full-bodied beads appeared on the Brigade Major's + brow. His right hand was paralysed by the unceasing grip of the + receiver. There was a strained look in his eyes as of a man + watching for the ration-party.</p> + + <p>"S-something," he said, calmly and surely mastering his + fate—"s-something is happening to-night."</p> + + <p>"You're a cheery sort of bloke, aren't you?"</p> + + <p>"Good God, are you cracked or what? There's a—"</p> + + <p>"Careful, careful!" called the General from his comfortable + chair in the other room.</p> + + <p>"O-oh!" sang the mosquito voice, "<i>now</i> I know what you + mean. You want to know what time our—er—ha! ha! you + know—the—er—don't you?"</p> + + <p>"The—ha! ha! yes"—they leered frightfully at + each other; it was a horrible spectacle. No one would think + that Possum had so much latent evil in him.</p> + + <p>"We sent you the time mid-day."</p> + + <p>"Well, we haven't had it. C-can you give me any indication, + w-without actually s-saying it, you know?"</p> + + <p>"Well now," said the mosquito, "You know how many years' + service I've got? Multiply by two and add the map square of + this headquarters."</p> + + <p>"Well, look here," it sang again, "you remember the number + of the billet where I had dinner with you three weeks ago? + Well, halve that and add two."</p> + + <p>"Half nine and add two" (<i>aside</i>: "These midnight + mathematics will be the death of me—ah! that's between + six and seven?"). <i>Aloud</i>: "But that's daylight."</p> + + <p>"No, it isn't. Which dinner are you thinking of?"</p> + + <p>With the sweat pouring down his face, both hands now + clasping the telephone—his right being completely + numbed—he called upon the gods to witness the foolishness + of mortals. Suddenly a hideous cackle of mosquito-laughter + filtered through and, by some diabolical contrivance of the + signals, the tiny voice swelled into a bellow close to his + ear.</p> + + <p>"If you really want to know, old Possum," it said, "the raid + took place two hours ago!"</p> + + <p>"I hope," said Possum, much relieved, but speaking with + concentrated venom, "I h-hope you may be strafed with + boiling— Are you there?" Being assured that he was he + slapped his receiver twice, and, much gratified at the + unprintable expression of the twice-stunned-one at the other + end, went to tell the General—who, he found, had gone to + bed and was fast asleep.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The customary oats were administered to the new + Judge."—<i>Perthshire Constitutional</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>There had been some fear, we understand, that owing to the + food shortage he would have to be content with thistles.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page301" + id="page301"></a>[pg 301]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/301.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/301.png" + alt="" /></a>Stout Lady (<i>discussing the best thing + to do in an air-raid</i>). "WELL, I ALWAYS RUNS ABOUT + MESELF. YOU SEE, AS MY 'USBAND SEZ, AN' VERY + REASONABLE TOO, A MOVIN' TARGIT IS MORE DIFFICULT TO + 'IT." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE OLD FORMULA.</h2> + + <p>Private Brown lay upon his pillows thoughtfully sucking the + new pencil given him by his mate in the next bed. Propped + against the cradle that covered his shattered knee was a pad, + to which a sheet of paper had been fixed, and he was about to + write a letter to his wife.</p> + + <p>It was plainly to be an effort, for apart from the fact that + he was never a scholar there was the added uncertainty of his + long disused right hand to be reckoned with; but at last he + grasped the pencil with all the firmness he could muster and + began:—</p> + + <p>"DEAR WIFE,—I got your letter about Jim he ought to + gone long ago, shirking I calls it. This hospital is very nice + and when you come down from London youll see all the flowers + and the gramophone which is a fair treat. My wounds is slow and + I often gets cramp."</p> + + <p>No sooner was the fatal word written than the fingers of his + right hand began to stiffen, the pencil fell upon the bed, then + rolled dejectedly to the floor, where the writer said it might + stay for all he cared.</p> + + <p>"You must let me finish the letter," said I, when his hand + had been rubbed and tucked away in a warm mitten.</p> + + <p>"Thank you, Miss; I was getting on nicely, and there's not + much more to say," he returned ruefully, scanning the wavering + lines before him.</p> + + <p>"Well, shall I go on for a bit and let you wind up," said I, + unscrewing my pen and taking the pad on my knee.</p> + + <p>"Me telling you what to put like?" he asked with a look of + pleased relief.</p> + + <p>"That's it. Just say what you would write down + yourself."</p> + + <p>He cleared his throat.</p> + + <p>"DEAR WIFE," he resumed, "the wounds is ... awful, not + letting me write at all. The one in my back is as long as your + arm, and they says it will heal quicker than the one in my + knee, which has two tubes in which they squirts strong-smelling + stuff through. The foot is a pretty sight, as big as half a + melon, and I doubts ever being able to put it to the ground + again, though they says I shall. I gets very stiff at nights + and the pain sometimes is cruel, but they gives me a prick with + the morphia needle then which makes me dream something + beautiful...."</p> + + <p>There was a pause while he indulged in a smiling + reverie.</p> + + <p>"Perhaps we have said enough about your pains," I ventured, + when, returning from his visions, he puckered his brows in + fresh thought. "Your wife might be frightened if—"</p> + + <p>"Not her," he interrupted proudly. "She's a rare good nurse + herself, and it would take more than that to turn <i>her</i> + up."</p> + + <p>I shook my pen; he shifted his head a little and + continued:—</p> + + <p>"DEAR WIFE,—If you could see my shoulder dressed of a + morning you would laugh. They cuts out little pieces of lint + like a picture puzzle to fit the places, and I've got a regular + map of Blighty all down my arm; but that's not so bad as my + back, which I cannot see and which the wound is as + long—"</p> + + <p>I blotted the sheet and turned over, and Private Brown eyed + the space left for further cheerful communications.</p> + + <p>"Shall I leave this for you to finish?" I suggested, + thinking of tender messages difficult to dictate. "Your fingers + may be better after tea, or perhaps to-morrow morning."</p> + + <p>"That's all right, Miss. There's nothing more to put except + my name, if you'll just say, "Good-bye, dear wife, hoping this + finds you well as it leaves me at present."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Fair Warning.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A POPULAR CONCERT WILL BE HELL IN THE PORTEOUS HALL, On + Friday, 2nd November."—<i>Scotch Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h3>CURRAGH MEETING.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Judea . . . . . . . . . . . E.M. Quirke 1</p> + + <p>Elfterion . . . . . . . . . . . M. Wing 2</p> + + <p>Tut Ttlddddddrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr aY</p> + + <p>Tut Tut . . . . . . . . . . . . J. Dines 3</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2"><i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>From which it is to be inferred</p> + + <p>The angry printer backed the third.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page302" + id="page302"></a>[pg 302]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/302.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/302.png" + alt="" /></a>"WELL, UPON MY WORD! AFTER ALL THE + TROUBLE I HAD TO GET A QUARTER OF A POUND OF BUTTER, + THE COOK'S SENT UP MARGARINE. I SHOULD HATE THE MAIDS + TO GO SHORT, BUT I <i>DO</i> THINK WE OUGHT TO + <i>SHARE</i> THINGS." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE ULTIMATE OUTRAGE.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I had a favourite shirt for many moons,</p> + + <p>Soft, silken, soothing and of tenderest tone,</p> + + <p>Gossamer-light withal. The Subs., my peers,</p> + + <p>Envied the garment, ransacking the land</p> + + <p>To find a shirt its equal—all in vain.</p> + + <p>For, when we tired of shooting at the Hun</p> + + <p>And other Batteries clamoured for their share</p> + + <p>And we resigned positions at the front</p> + + <p>To dally for a space behind the line,</p> + + <p>To shed my war-worn vesture I was wont—</p> + + <p>The G.S. boots, the puttees and the pants</p> + + <p>That mock at cut and mar the neatest leg,</p> + + <p>The battle-jacket with its elbows patched</p> + + <p>And bands of leather, round its hard-used cuffs,</p> + + <p>And, worst of all, the fuggy flannel shirt,</p> + + <p>Rough and uncouth, that suffocates the soul;</p> + + <p>And in their stead I donned habiliments</p> + + <p>Cadets might dream of—serges with a waist,</p> + + <p>And breeches cut by Blank (you know the man,</p> + + <p>Or dare not say you don't), long lustrous boots,</p> + + <p>And gloves canary-hued, bright primrose ties</p> + + <p>Undimmed by shadows of Sir FRANCIS LLOYD—</p> + + <p>And, like a happy mood, I wore the shirt.</p> + + <p>It was a woven breeze, a melody</p> + + <p>Constrained by seams from melting in the air,</p> + + <p>A summer perfume tethered to a stud,</p> + + <p>The cool of evening cut to lit my form—</p> + + <p>And I shall wear it now no more, no more!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There came a day we took it to be washed,</p> + + <p>I and my batman, after due debate.</p> + + <p>A little cottage stood hard by the road</p> + + <p>Whose one small window said, in manuscript,</p> + + <p>"Wasching for soldiers and for officers,"</p> + + <p>And there we left my shirt with anxious fears</p> + + <p>And fond injunctions to the Belgian dame.</p> + + <p>So it was washed. I marked it as I passed</p> + + <p>Waving svelte arms beneath the kindly sun</p> + + <p>As if it semaphored to its own shade</p> + + <p>That answered from the grass. I saw it fill</p> + + <p>And plunge against its bonds—methought it + yearned</p> + + <p>To join its tameless kin, the airy clouds.</p> + + <p>And as I saw it so, I sang aloud,</p> + + <p>"To-morrow I shall wear thee! Haste, O Time!"</p> + + <p>Fond, futile dream! That very afternoon,</p> + + <p>Her washing taken in and folded up</p> + + <p>(My shirt, my shirt I mourn for, with the rest),</p> + + <p>The frugal creature locked and left her cot</p> + + <p>To cut a cabbage from a neighbour's field.</p> + + <p>Then, without warning, from the empurpled sky,</p> + + <p>Swift with grim dreadful purpose, swooped a + shell</p> + + <p>(Perishing Percy was the name he bore</p> + + <p>Amongst, the irreverent soldiery), ah me!</p> + + <p>And where the cottage stood there gaped a gulf;</p> + + <p>The jewel and the casket vanished both.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr class="short" /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Were there no other humble homes but that</p> + + <p>For the vile Hun to fire at? Did some spy,</p> + + <p>In bitter jealousy, betray my shirt?</p> + + <p>What boots it to lament? The shirt is gone.</p> + + <p>It was not meant for such an one as I,</p> + + <p>A plain rough gunner with one only pip.</p> + + <p>No doubt 'twas destined for some lofty soul</p> + + <p>Who in a deck-chair lolls, and marks the map</p> + + <p>And says, "Push here," while I and all my kind</p> + + <p>Scrabble and slaughter in the appointed slough.</p> + + <p>But I, presumptuous, wore it, till the gods</p> + + <p>Called for my laundry with a thunderbolt.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page303" + id="page303"></a>[pg 303]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/303.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/303.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>HOW TO LOSE THE WAR AT HOME.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page304" + id="page304"></a>[pg 304]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday, October 22nd.</i>—The fact that a couple of + German raiders contrived to slip through the North Sea patrol + the other night was made the excuse for an attack upon the + Admiralty. Sir Eric Geddes came down specially to assure the + House that if it viewed things "in the right perspective" it + would realise that such isolated incidents were unavoidable. + Members generally were convinced, I think, by the sight of the + First Lord's bulldog jaw, even more than by his words, that the + Navy would not loose its grip on the enemy's throat.</p> + + <p>If "darkness and composure" are, as we have been told, the + best antidotes to an air-raid, where would you be more likely + to find them than in a CAVE? The HOME SECRETARY'S explanation + did not, of course, satisfy "P.B."—initials now standing + for "Pull Baker"—who, in a voice of extra raucosity, + caused by his <i>al-fresco</i> oratory in East Islington, + demanded that protection should be afforded + to—ballot-boxes. But he and Mr. JOYNSON-HICKS and Mr. + DILLON—whose sudden solicitude for the inhabitants of + London was gently chaffed by Mr. CHAMBERLAIN—were + deservedly trounced by Mr. BONAR LAW, who declared that if + their craven squealings were typical he should despair of + victory.</p> + + <p>Who says that the removal of the grille has had no effect + upon politics? Exposed to the unimpeded gaze of the ladies in + the Gallery the House decided with great promptitude that the + female voter should not be called upon to state her exact age, + but need only furnish a statutory declaration that she was over + thirty.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, October 23rd.</i>—So far as I know, the + duties of a Junior Lord of the Treasury have never been exactly + defined. Apparently those of Mr. PRATT include the compilation + of a "London Letter," to be sent to certain favoured + newspapers. In one of them he appears to have stated that Mr. + ASQUITH'S condition of health was so precarious that there was + little likelihood of his resuming an active part in politics. + It was pleasant, therefore, to see the ex-Premier in his place + again, and able to contribute to the Irish debate a speech + showing no conspicuous failure either of intellect or verbal + felicity.</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/304.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/304.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Mr. Duke</i>. "HERE, I SAY—"</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Redmond</i>. "SURE AN' I'M SORRY, BUT THE + GINTLEMAN BEHIND PUSHED ME."</p> + </div> + + <p>Both Mr. REDMOND and Mr. DUKE had drawn a very gloomy + picture of present-day Ireland—the former, of course, + attributing it entirely to the ineptitudes of the "Castle," and + being careful to say little or nothing to hurt the feelings of + the Sinn Feiners, while the latter ascribed it to the + rebellious speeches and actions of Mr. DE VALERA and the other + hillside orators whom for some inscrutable reason he leaves at + large.</p> + + <p>I hope Mr. ASQUITH was justified in assuming that the Sinn + Fein excesses were only an expression of the "rhetorical and + contingent belligerency" always present in Ireland, and that in + spite of them the Convention would make all things right.</p> + + <p>Meanwhile the Sinn Feiners have refused to take part in it. + And not a single Nationalist Member dared to denounce them + to-night. Mr. T.M. HEALY even gave them his blessing, for + whatever that may be worth.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, October 24</i>.—The strange case of Mrs. + BESANT and Mr. MONTAGU was brought before the Upper House by + Lord SYDENHAM, who hoped the Government were not going to make + concessions to the noisy people who wanted to set up a little + oligarchy in India. The speeches of Lord ISLINGTON and Lord + CURZON did not entirely remove the impression that the + Government are a little afraid of Mrs. BESANT and her power of + "creating an atmosphere" by the emission of "hot air." + Apparently there is room for only one orator in India at a + time, for it was expressly stated that Mr. MONTAGU, who got + back into office shortly after the delivery of what Lord + LANSDOWNE characterised as an "intemperate" speech on Indian + affairs, has given an undertaking not to make any speech at all + during his progress through the Peninsula.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, October 25th</i>.—Irish Members have + first cut at the Question-time cake on Thursdays, and employ + their opportunity to advertise their national grievances. Mr. + O'LEARY, for example, drew a moving picture of a poor old man + occupying a single room, and dependent for his subsistence on + the grazing of a hypothetical cow; he had been refused a + pension by a hard-hearted Board. Translated into prosaic + English by the CHIEF SECRETARY it resolved itself into the case + of a farmer who had deliberately divested himself of his + property in the hope of "wangling" five shillings a week out of + the Treasury.</p> + + <p>According to Mr. BYRNE the Lord Mayor of DUBLIN has been + grossly insulted by a high Irish official, who must be made to + apologise or resign. Again Mr. DUKE was unreceptive. He had + seen the LORD MAYOR, who + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page305" + id="page305"></a>[pg 305]</span> disclaimed any + responsibility for his self-constituted champion. Mr. BYRNE + should now be known as "the cuckoo in the mare's nest."</p> + + <p>An attack upon the Petroleum Royalties was led by Mr. + ADAMSON, the new Chairman of the Labour Party, who was + cordially congratulated by the COLONIAL SECRETARY on his + appointment. Mr. LONG might have been a shade less enthusiastic + if he had foreseen the sequel. His assurance that there was + "nothing behind the Bill" was only too true. There was not even + a majority behind it; for the hostile amendment was carried by + 44 votes to 35, and the LLOYD GEORGE Administration sustained + its first defeat. "Nasty slippery stuff, oil," muttered the + Government Whip.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/305.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/305.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE UNSEEN HAND.</h3> + + <p><i>Bill</i>. "A FELLER IN THIS HERE PAPER SAYS AS WE + AIN'T FIGHTING THE GERMAN PEOPLE."</p> + + <p><i>Gus</i>. "INDEED! DOES THE BLINKIN' IDIOT SAY WHO + WE'VE BEEN UP AGAINST ALL THIS TIME?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Wanted, at once, three Slack Carters; constant + employment."—<i>Lancaster Observer</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We fear that intending applicants may be put off by the + conditions.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"WHERE MY CARAVAN HAS RESTED—in A + flat."—<i>Advt. in Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>And, in the recent weather, a very good place for it.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>WAR-TIME TAGS FROM "JULIUS CÆSAR."</h2> + + <h4>A "TAKE COVER" CONSTABLE TO A "SPECIAL."</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"I'll about,</p> + + <p>And drive away the vulgar from the streets;</p> + + <p>So do you too, where you perceive them + thick."—<i>Act I. Sc. 1</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>A WISE MAN.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Good night, then, Casca: this disturbéd + sky</p> + + <p>Is not to walk in."—<i>Act I. Sc. 3</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>A RASH MAN.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"For my part, I have walked about the streets...</p> + + <p>Even in the aim and very flash of it."—<i>Act + I. Sc. 3</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>TO A MUNITION STRIKER.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"But wherefore art not in thy shop + to-day?"—<i>Act I. Sc. 1</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>TO A LADY CLERK.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Is this a holiday?</p> + + <p>What dost thou with thy best apparel + on?"—<i>Act I. Sc. 1</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>TO LORD RHONDDA</h4> + + <h4>(<i>with a wheat and potato War-loaf</i>).</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Till then, my noble friend, chew upon + this."—<i>Act I. Sc. 2</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE TRANSLATOR SEES THROUGH IT.</h3> + + <p>Announcement by a French publisher:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Vient de paraitre:—'M. Britling commence à + voir clair.'"</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS.</p> + + <p>A Large Quantity of Old Bricks for + Sale."—<i>Dublin Evening Herald</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Do not shoot the pianist. Throw a brick at him instead.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Regarding a certain judge:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Hence so many reversals by the Court of Appeal that + suitors were often more uneasy if they lost their case + before him than if they won it."—<i>Irish + Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We assume that they were Irishmen.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Elderly Lady Requires Post, as companion, Secretary or + any position of trust, would keep clergyman's wife in + Parish, etc."—<i>Church Family Newspaper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>But the difficulty with the parson's wife in some parishes, + we are told, is just the reverse of this.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Duck and drake (wild) wanted; must be + tame."—<i>Scotsman</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We dislike this frivolity in a serious paper.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page306" + id="page306"></a>[pg 306]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/306.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/306.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>OUR YOUNG VETERANS.</h3> + + <p><i>Grandfather</i>. "JUST HAD A TOPPING BIT OF NEWS, OLD + DEAR. GERALD'S WANGLED THE D.S.O."</p> + + <p><i>Granny</i>. "ABSOLUTELY <i>PRICELESS</i>, OLD THING. + ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT CHILD WAS <i>SOME</i> NIB."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE MUD LARKS.</h2> + + <p>Albert Edward and I are on detachment just now. I can't + mention what job we are on because HINDENBURG is listening. He + watches every move made by Albert Edward and me and disposes + his forces accordingly. Now and again he forestalls us, now and + again he don't. On the former occasions he rings up LUDENDORFF, + and they make a night of it with beer and song; on the latter + he pushes the bell violently for the old German god.</p> + + <p>The spot Albert Edward and I inhabit just now is very + interesting; things happen all round us. There is a tame + balloon tied by a string to the back garden, an ammunition + column on either flank and an infantry battalion camped in + front. Aeroplanes buzz overhead in flocks and there is a + regular tank service past the door. One way and another our + present location fairly teems with life; Albert Edward says it + reminds him of London. To heighten the similarity we get bombed + every night.</p> + + <p>Promptly after Mess the song of the bomb-bird is heard. The + searchlights stab and slash about the sky like tin swords in a + stage duel; presently they pick up the bomb-bird—a + glittering flake of tinsel—and the racket begins. + Archibalds pop, machine guns chatter, rifles crack, and here + and there some optimistic sportsman browns the Milky Way with a + revolver. As Sir I. NEWTON'S law of gravity is still in force + and all that goes up must come down again, it is advisable to + wear a parasol on one's walks abroad.</p> + + <p>In view of the heavy lead-fall Albert Edward and I decided + to have a dug-out. We dug down six inches and struck water in + massed formation. I poked a finger into the water and licked + it. "Tastes odd," said I, "brackish or salt or something."</p> + + <p>"We've uncorked the blooming Atlantic, that's what," said + Albert Edward; "cork it up again quickly or it'll bob up and + swamp us." That done, we looked about for something that would + stand digging into. The only thing we could find was a + molehill, so we delved our way into that. We are residing in it + now, Albert Edward, Maurice and I. We have called it "<i>Mon + Repos</i>," and stuck up a notice saying we are inside, + otherwise visitors would walk over it and miss us.</p> + + <p>The chief drawback to "<i>Mon Repos</i>" is Maurice. Maurice + is the proprietor by priority, a mole by nature. Our advent has + more or less driven him into the hinterland of his home and he + is most unpleasant about it. He sits in the basement and sulks + by day, issuing at night to scrabble about among our boots, + falling over things and keeping us awake. If we say "Boo! + Shoo!" or any harsh word to him he doubles up the backstairs to + the attic and kicks earth over our faces at three-minute + intervals all night.</p> + + <p>Albert Edward says he is annoyed about the rent, but I call + that absurd. Maurice is perfectly aware that there is a war on, + and to demand rent from soldiers who are defending his molehill + with their lives is the most ridiculous proposition I ever + heard of. As I said before, the situation is most unpleasant, + but I don't see what we can do about it, for digging out + Maurice means digging down "<i>Mon Repos</i>," + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page307" + id="page307"></a>[pg 307]</span> and there's no sense in + that. Albert Edward had a theory that the mole is a + carnivorous animal, so he smeared a worm with carbolic + tooth-paste and left it lying about. It lay about for days. + Albert now admits his theory was wrong; the mole is a + vegetarian, he says; he was confusing it with trout. He is + in the throes of inventing an explosive potato for Maurice + on the lines of a percussion grenade, but in the meanwhile + that gentleman remains in complete mastery of the + situation.</p> + + <p>The balloon attached to our back garden is very tame. Every + morning its keepers lead it forth from its abode by strings, + tie it to a longer string and let it go. All day it remains + aloft, tugging gently at its leash and keeping an eye on the + War. In the evening the keepers appear once more, haul it down + and lead it home for the night. It reminds me for all the world + of a huge docile elephant being bossed about by the mahout's + infant family. I always feel like giving the gentle creature a + bun.</p> + + <p>Now and again the Bosch birds come over disguised as clouds + and spit mouthfuls of red-hot tracer-bullets at it, and then + the observers hop out. One of them "hopped out" into my + horse-lines last week. That is to say his parachute caught in a + tree and he hung swinging, like a giant pendulum, over my + horses' backs until we lifted him down. He came into "<i>Mon + Repos</i>" to have bits of tree picked out of him. This was the + sixth plunge overboard he had done in ten days, he told us. + Sometimes he plunged into the most embarrassing situations. On + one occasion he dropped clean through a bivouac roof into a hot + bath containing a Lieutenant-Colonel, who punched him with a + sponge and threw soap at him. On another he came fluttering + down from the blue into the midst of a labour company of + Chinese coolies, who immediately fell on their faces, + worshipping him as some heavenly being, and later cut off all + his buttons as holy relics. An eventful life.</p> + + <p>PATLANDER.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A PRECOCIOUS INFANT.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Will any kind lady adopt nice healthy baby girl, 6 + weeks old, good parentage; seen + London."—<i>Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The King has given £100 to the Victoria Station + free buffet for sailors and soldiers."—<i>The + Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>In the days of RICHARD I. it was a commoner who furnished + the King in this respect. <i>Vide</i> Sir WALTER SCOTT'S + <i>Ivanhoe</i>, vol. ii., chap. 9: "Truly, friend," said the + Friar, clenching his huge fist, "I will bestow a buffet on + thee."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/307.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/307.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Prisoner</i> (<i>on his dignity</i>). "BUT YOU VOS + NOT KNOW VOT I AM. I AM A SERGEANT-MAJOR IN DER PRUSSIAN + GUARD."</p> + + <p><i>Tommy</i>. "WELL, WOT ABAHT IT? I'M A PRIVATE IN THE + WEST KENTS."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>RHYMES OF THE TIMES.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There was an old man with otitis</p> + + <p>Who was told it was chronic arthritis;</p> + + <p class="i2">On the sixth operation,</p> + + <p class="i2">Without hesitation</p> + + <p>They said that he died of phlebitis.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A school just assembled for Prep.</p> + + <p>Were warned of an imminent Zepp,</p> + + <p class="i2">But they said, "What a lark!</p> + + <p class="i2">Now we're all in the dark</p> + + <p>So we shan't have to learn any Rep."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Mr. BREX, with the forename of TWELLS,</p> + + <p>Against all the bishops rebels,</p> + + <p class="i2">And so fiercely upbraids</p> + + <p class="i2">Their remarks on air-raids</p> + + <p>That he rouses the envy of WELLS.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The American miracle, FORD,</p> + + <p>By pacificists once was adored;</p> + + <p class="i2">Now their fury he raises</p> + + <p class="i2">By winning the praises</p> + + <p>Of England's great super-war-lord.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Wanted—a Pair of Lady's Riding Boots, black or + brown, size of foot 4, diam. of calf 14 + inches."—<i>Statesman</i> (<i>Calcutta</i>).</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Great Diana!</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"WANTED—Late Model, 5-passenger McLaughlin, + Hudson, Paige, or Cadillac car, in exchange for 5-crypt + family de luxe section, value $1,500, in Forest Lawn, + Mausoleum."—<i>Toronto Daily Star</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>With some difficulty we refrain from reviving the old joke + about the quick and the dead.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page308" + id="page308"></a>[pg 308]</span> + + <h2>THE NEW MRS. MARKHAM.</h2> + + <h3>III.</h3> + + <h3>CONVERSATION ON CHAPTER LXX.</h3> + + <p><i>Mary</i>. Do tell us something more, Mamma, about the + Great Rebellion and how it began.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M</i>. Well, my dear, you must know that in the + previous reign it had been the fashion for middle-aged and + elderly people to behave and dress as if they were still + juvenile. Mothers neglected their daughters and went to balls + and theatres every night, where they were conspicuous for their + extravagant attire and strange conversation. They would not + allow their daughters to smoke, or, if they did, provided them + with the cheapest cigarettes. Fathers of even advanced years + wore knickerbocker suits on all occasions and spent most of + their time playing a game called golf. This at last provoked a + violent reaction, and the Great Rebellion was the consequence. + Although there was no bloodshed many distressing scenes were + enacted and something like a Reign of Terror prevailed for + several years.</p> + + <p><i>Richard</i>. Oh, Mamma, please go on!</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M</i>. Parents trembled at the sight of their + children, and fathers, even when they were sixty years old, + stood bareheaded before their sons and did not dare to speak + without permission. Mothers never sat down in the presence of + their grown-up daughters, but stood in respectful silence at + the further end of the room, and were only allowed to smoke in + the kitchen.</p> + + <p><i>George</i>. That cannot have been very good for the + cooking.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M</i>. The daughters of the family were seldom + educated at home, and when they returned to their father's roof + their parents were only admitted into the presence of their + children during short and stated periods.</p> + + <p><i>Mary</i>. And when did the English begin to grow kinder + to their parents?</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M</i>. I really cannot say. Perhaps a climax was + reached in the Baby Suffrage Act; but after that matters began + to improve, and the Married Persons Amusements Act showed a + more tolerant spirit towards the elderly. But even so lately as + when my mother was a child young people were often exceedingly + harsh with their parents, and she has told me how on one + occasion she locked up her mother for several hours in the + coal-cellar for playing a mouth-organ in the bathroom without + permission.</p> + + <p><i>Richard.</i> Pray, Mamma, did the English speak Irish + then, as they do now?</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M</i>. Compulsory Irish was introduced under ALFRED + as a concession to Ireland for the services rendered by that + kingdom to art and literature and the neutrality which it + observed during England's wars. There was a certain amount of + opposition, but it was soon overcome by ALFRED'S wisely + insisting on the newspapers being printed in both languages. + Since then the variations in dialect and pronunciation which + prevailed in different districts of England have largely + disappeared, and from Land's End to John o' Groat's the + bilingual system is now securely established, though my mother + told me that as a child she once met an old man in + Northumberland who could only speak a few words of Irish, and + had been deprived of his vote in consequence.</p> + + <p><i>Richard</i>. What were the Thirty-Nine Articles? I don't + think I ever heard of them before.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M</i>. When you are of a proper age to understand + them they shall be explained to you. They contained the + doctrines of the Church of England, but were abolished by + Archbishop WELLS, who substituted seventy-eight of his own. But + as Mary is looking tired I will now conclude our + conversation.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE MOTH PERIL.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Fruit growers are warned to be on their guard against + the wingless moth, for lime-washing the trees is almost + useless."—<i>Evening Paper</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>If the brute ignores the notice, "Keep off the trees," order + him away in a sharp voice.</p> + + <p>Sulphuric acid is a most deadly antidote; but only the best + should be used. If the moth be held over the bottle for ten + minutes it will show signs of collapse and offer to go + quietly.</p> + + <p>This pest abhors heat. A good plan is to heat the + garden-roller in the kitchen fire to a white heat and push it + up the tree.</p> + + <p>A gramophone in full song, is also useful. After a few + minutes the moth will come out of its dug-out with an + abstracted expression on its face, and commit suicide by + jumping into the mouth of the trumpet.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A Comforting Thought for use on War-Time Railways.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"To travel hopefully is a better thing than to + arrive."—R.L. STEVENSON.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From a parish magazine:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"I know 'the war' still continues but these do not + explain everything. The large water tank at the schools is + for sale—price £5 10s. The sermons and as far + as possible the music and hymns on 21st (Trafalgar Day) + will bear on the work of our incomparable Navy."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It is believed in the village that the parson is suffering + from a rush of Jumble Sales to the head.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HERBS OF GRACE.</h2> + + <h3>SWEET WOODRUFF.</h3> + + <h4>VII.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">Not for the world that we know,</p> + + <p class="i2">But the lovelier world that we dream + of</p> + + <p class="i4">Dost thou, Sweet Woodruff, grow;</p> + + <p class="i2">Not of this world is the theme of</p> + + <p class="i6">The scent diffused</p> + + <p class="i6">From thy bright leaves bruised;</p> + + <p>Not in this world hast thou part or lot,</p> + + <p>Save to tell of the dream one, forgot, forgot.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">Sweet Woodruff, thine is the scent</p> + + <p class="i2">Of a world that was wise and lowly,</p> + + <p class="i4">Singing with sane content,</p> + + <p class="i2">Simple and clean and holy,</p> + + <p class="i6">Merry and kind</p> + + <p class="i6">As an April wind,</p> + + <p>Happier far for the dawn's good gold</p> + + <p>Than the chinking chaffer-stuff hard and cold.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">Thine is the odour of praise</p> + + <p class="i2">In the loved little country churches;</p> + + <p class="i4">Thine are the ancient ways</p> + + <p class="i2">Which the new Gold Age besmirches;</p> + + <p class="i6">Cordials, wine</p> + + <p class="i6">And posies are thine,</p> + + <p>The adze-cut beams with thy bunches fraught,</p> + + <p>And the kist-laid linen by maidens wrought.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">Clean bodies, kind hearts, sweet + souls,</p> + + <p class="i2">Delight and delighted endeavour,</p> + + <p class="i4">A spirit that chants and trolls,</p> + + <p class="i2">A world that doth ne'er dissever</p> + + <p class="i6">The body's hire</p> + + <p class="i6">And the heart's desire;</p> + + <p>Ah, bright leaves bruised and brown leaves dry,</p> + + <p>Odours that bid this world go by.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>W.B.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Once or twice Mr. Dickens has taken the place of + circuit judge when the King's Bench roll has been + repleted."—<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This, of course, was before the War. Our judges never + over-eat themselves nowadays.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From a list of current prices:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Brazil nuts 1s. 2d., Barcelona nuts 10d. per lb.; + demons 1½d."—<i>Derbyshire Advertiser</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>No mention being made of the place of origin of the + last-named, it looks very much as if there had been some + trading with the enemy.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>What America says to-day—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Feminist circles are greatly interested in the + announcement made by Dr. Sargeant, of Harvard University, + that women make as good soldiers as men."—<i>Sunday + Pictorial</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Canada does to-morrow—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Canadian Government has issued a proclamation + calling up ... childless widows between the ages of 20 and + 34 comprised in Class 1 of the Military Service + Act."—<i>Yorkshire Evening Paper</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page309" + id="page309"></a>[pg 309]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/309.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/309.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Mike (in bath-chair)</i>. "DID YE SAY + WE'LL BE TURNING BACK, DENNIS? SURE THE EXERCISE WILL + BE DOING US GOOD IF WE GO A BIT FURTHER." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> + + <p>The numerous members of the public who like to take their + printer's ink with something more than a grain of sea-salt will + welcome <i>Sea-Spray and Spindrift</i> (PEARSON), by their + tried and trusted friend, TAFFRAIL, the creator of <i>Pincher + Martin, O.D.</i> TAFFRAIL, it must be admitted, has a dashing + briny way with him. He doesn't wait to describe sunsets and + storm-clouds, but plunges at once into the thick of things. + Consequently his stories go with a swing and a rush, for which + the reader is duly grateful—that is, if he is a + discerning reader. Of the present collection most were written + some time ago and have no reference to the War. Such, for + instance, is "The Escape of the <i>Speedwell</i>," a capital + story of the year 1805, which may serve to remind us that even + in the glorious days of NELSON the English Channel was not + always a healthy place for British shipping. "The Channel," + says TAFFRAIL, "swarmed with the enemy's privateers.... Even + the merchant-ships in the home-coming convoys, protected though + they were by men-of-war, were not safe from capture, while the + hostile luggers would often approach the English coast in broad + daylight and harry the hapless fishing craft within a mile or + two of the shore." Yet there does not appear to have been a + panic, nor was anyone's blood demanded. <i>Autres temps autres + moeurs</i>. In "The Gun-Runners" the author describes a shady + enterprise undertaken successfully by a British crew; but + nothing comes amiss to TAFFRAIL, and he does it with equal + zest. "The Inner Patrol" and "The Luck of the Tavy" more than + redress the balance to the side of virtue and sound warfare. + Both stories are excellent.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Among the minor results following the entry of America into + the War has been the release from bondage of several diplomatic + pens, whose owners would, under less happy circumstances, have + been prevented from telling the world many stories of great + interest. Here, for example, is the late Special Agent and + Minister Plenipotentiary of the United States, Mr. LEWIS + EINSTEIN, writing of his experiences <i>Inside Constantinople, + April-September, 1915</i> (MURRAY). This is a diary kept by the + Minister during the period covered by the Dardanelles + Expedition. As such you will hardly expect it to be agreeable + reading, but its tragic interest is undeniable. Mr. EINSTEIN, + as a sympathetic neutral, saw everything, and his comments are + entirely outspoken. We know the Dardanelles story well enough + by now from our own side; here for the first time one may see + in full detail just how near it came to victory. It is a + history of chances neglected, of adverse fate and heroism + frustrated, such as no Englishman can read unmoved. But the + book has also a further value in the light it throws upon the + Armenian massacres and the complicity of Germany therein. + "Though in later years German officialdom may seek to disclaim + responsibility, the broad fact remains of German military + direction at Constantinople ... during the brief period in + which took place the virtual extermination of the Armenian race + in Asia Minor." It is <span class="pagenum"><a name="page310" + id="page310"></a>[pg 310]</span> one more stain upon a + dishonoured shield, not to be forgotten in the final + reckoning.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I never met a story more aptly named than Mrs. BELLOC + LOWNDES' <i>Love and Hatred</i> (CHAPMAN AND HALL). <i>Oliver + Tropenell</i> worshipped <i>Laura Pavely</i>, who returned this + attachment, despite the fact that she was already married to + <i>Godfrey</i>. <i>Godfrey</i>, for his part, loved <i>Katty + Winslow</i>, a young widow, who flirted equally with him, with + <i>Oliver</i>, and with <i>Laura's</i> undesirable brother, + <i>Gilbert</i>. So much for the tender passion. As for the + other emotion, <i>Oliver</i> naturally hated <i>Godfrey</i>; so + did <i>Gilbert</i>. <i>Laura</i> also came to share their + sentiment. By the time things had reached this climax the + moment was obviously ripe for the disappearance of the much + detested one, in order that the rest of the tale might keep you + guessing which of the three had (so to speak) belled the cat. + Followers of Mrs. LOWNDES will indeed have been anticipating + poor <i>Godfrey's</i> demise for some time, and may perhaps + think that she takes a trifle too long over her arrangements + for the event. They will almost certainly share my view that + the explanation of the mystery is far too involved and + unintelligible. I shall, of course, not anticipate this for + you. It has been said that the works of HOMER were not written + by HOMER himself, but by another man of the same name. This + may, or may not, give you a clue to the murder of <i>Godfrey + Pavely</i>. I wish the crime were more worthy of such an artist + in creeps as Mrs. LOWNDES has proved herself to be.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The test of the second water, as sellers of tea assure us, + provides proof of a quality for which one must go to the right + market. BARONESS ORCZY has not feared to put her most famous + product, <i>The Scarlet Pimpernel</i>, to a similar trial. + Whether the result of this renewed dilution is entirely + satisfactory I leave you to judge, but certainly at least + something of the well-known and popular aroma of romantic + artificiality clings about the pages of her latest story, + <i>Lord Tony's Wife</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), while at the + bottom of the cup there is not a little dash of the old strong + flavour. On the other hand, though it may be that one's + appetite grows less lusty, it does seem that in all the earlier + chapters there is some undue proportion of thin and rather + tepid preparation for episodes quite clearly on the way, so + that in the end even the masterly vigour of the much advertised + <i>Pimpernel</i>, in full panoply of inane laughter and + unguessed disguise, failed to astound and stagger me as much as + I could have wished. <i>Lord Tony</i> was a healthy young + Englishman with no particular qualities calling for comment, + and his wife an equally charming young French heroine. After + having escaped to England from the writer's beloved Reign of + Terror, the lady and her aristo father were comfortably decoyed + back to France by a son of the people whose qualifications for + the post of villain were none too convincing, and there all + manner of unpleasant things were by way of happening to them, + when enter the despairing husband with the dashing scarlet one + at his side—<i>et voilà tout</i>. The last few + chapters come nearly or even quite up to the mark, but as for + most of the rest, I advise you to take them as read.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In <i>A Certain Star</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) Miss PHYLLIS + BOTTOME achieves the difficult feat of treating a love + conceived in a romantic vein without declining upon + sentimentality, and seasons her descriptions, which are + shrewdly, sometimes delicately, observed, with quite a pretty + wit. I commend it as a sound, unpretentious, honestly-written + book. <i>Sir Julian Verny</i>, a baronet with brains and a very + difficult temper, falls a captive to <i>Marian's</i> proud and + compelling beauty. Then, just before the War flames up, secret + service claims him, and he returns from a dangerous mission + irretrievably crippled. <i>Marian</i> fails him. True, she + disdains to be released, but out of pride not out of love. It + is little grey suppressed <i>Stella</i> (her light has been + hidden under the dull bushel of a Town Clerk's office) who + comes into her kingdom and wins back an ultra-sensitive + despairing man to the joy of living and working and the fine + humility of being dependent instead of masterful. There are so + many <i>Julians</i> and there's need of so many <i>Stellas</i> + these sad days that it is well to have such wholesome doctrine + stated with so courageous an optimism.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There is a sentence on page 149 of <i>A Castle to Let</i> + (CASSELL) which, though not for its style, I feel constrained + to quote: "It was a glorious day, the sunshine poured through + the green boughs, and the moss made cradles in which most + people went to sleep with their novels." Well, given a warm day + and a comfortable resting-place, this book by Mrs. BAILLIE + REYNOLDS would do excellently well either to sleep or keep + awake with, according to your mood. The scene of it is laid in + Transylvania, where a rich young Englishwoman took an old + castle for the summer. Incidentally I have learned something + about the inhabitants of Transylvania, but apart from that I + know now exactly what a novel for the holidays should contain. + Its ingredients are many and rather wonderful, but Mrs. + REYNOLDS is a deft mixer, and her skill in managing no fewer + than three love affairs without getting them and you into a + tangle is little short of miraculous. Then we are given plenty + of legends, mysteries and dreams, just intriguing enough to + produce an eerie atmosphere, but not sufficiently exciting to + cause palpitations of the heart. Need I add that the tenant of + the castle married the owner of it? As she was both human and + sporting, it worries me to think that she may now be + interned.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/310.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/310.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Patriot Golfer</i> (<i>seeing British + aeroplane and not wanting to take any risks</i>). + "FORE!" + </div> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11491 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/11491-h/images/295.png b/11491-h/images/295.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0ad6209 --- /dev/null +++ b/11491-h/images/295.png diff --git a/11491-h/images/297.png b/11491-h/images/297.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6a1136c --- /dev/null +++ b/11491-h/images/297.png diff --git a/11491-h/images/298.png b/11491-h/images/298.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7fda94d --- /dev/null +++ b/11491-h/images/298.png diff --git a/11491-h/images/299.png b/11491-h/images/299.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7905214 --- /dev/null +++ b/11491-h/images/299.png diff --git a/11491-h/images/301.png b/11491-h/images/301.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a4c362f --- /dev/null +++ b/11491-h/images/301.png diff --git a/11491-h/images/302.png b/11491-h/images/302.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4aaaf0a --- /dev/null +++ b/11491-h/images/302.png diff --git a/11491-h/images/303.png b/11491-h/images/303.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ee31683 --- /dev/null +++ b/11491-h/images/303.png diff --git a/11491-h/images/304.png b/11491-h/images/304.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..06d7c8d --- /dev/null +++ b/11491-h/images/304.png diff --git a/11491-h/images/305.png b/11491-h/images/305.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dd0c071 --- /dev/null +++ b/11491-h/images/305.png diff --git a/11491-h/images/306.png b/11491-h/images/306.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bf6ee2f --- /dev/null +++ b/11491-h/images/306.png diff --git a/11491-h/images/307.png b/11491-h/images/307.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f854ab3 --- /dev/null +++ b/11491-h/images/307.png diff --git a/11491-h/images/309.png b/11491-h/images/309.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bab3894 --- /dev/null +++ b/11491-h/images/309.png diff --git a/11491-h/images/310.png b/11491-h/images/310.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..27f5db4 --- /dev/null +++ b/11491-h/images/310.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cee3025 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #11491 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/11491) diff --git a/old/11491-8.txt b/old/11491-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1eab151 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11491-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2119 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, +October 31, 1917, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, October 31, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 7, 2004 [EBook #11491] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 153 *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 153. + + + +October 31, 1917. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The Ministry of Food has informed the Twickenham Food Control +Committee that a doughnut is not a bun. Local unrest has been almost +completely allayed by this prompt and fearless decision. + + *** + +Many London grocers are asking customers to hand in orders on Monday +to ensure delivery within a week. In justice to a much-abused State +department it must be pointed out that telegrams are frequently +delivered within that period without any absurd restriction as to the +day of handing in. + + *** + +No more hotels in London, says Sir ALFRED MOND, are to be taken +over at present by the Government, which since the War began has +commandeered nearly three hundred buildings. We understand, however, +that a really spectacular offensive is being prepared for the Spring. + + *** + +Several parties of Germans who escaped from internment camps have been +recaptured with comparative ease. It is supposed that their gentle +natures could no longer bear the spectacle of the sacrifices that the +simple Briton is enduring in order that they may be well fed. + + *** + +The _Globe_ has just published an article entitled "The End of the +World." Our rosy contemporary is far too pessimistic, we feel. Mr. +CHURCHILL'S appointment as Minister of the Air has not yet been +officially announced. + + *** + +The _Vossische Zeitung_ reports that the KAISER refuses to accept the +resignation of Admiral VON CAPELLE. The career of Germany's Naval +chief seems to be dogged by persistent bad luck. + + *** + +Another scoop for _The Daily Telegraph._ "On October 14, 1066, at nine +A.M.," said a recent issue, "the Battle of Hastings commenced." + + *** + +We fear that our allotment-holders are losing their dash. The pumpkin +grown at Burwash Place, which measured six feet in circumference, is +still a pumpkin and not a potato. + + *** + +The Grimsby magistrates have decided not to birch boys in the future, +but to fine their parents. Several soft-hearted boys have already +indicated that it will hurt them more than their parents. + + *** + +A female defendant at a London police court last week was given the +choice of prison or marriage, and preferred to get married. How like +a woman! + + *** + +A correspondent protests against the high prices paid for old +postage-stamps at a recent sale, and points out that stamps can be +obtained at one penny each at most post-offices, all ready for use. + + *** + +A North of England lady last week climbed to the top of the +chimney-stack of a large munition works and affixed a silver coin in +the masonry. The lady is thought to be nervous of pickpockets. + + *** + +A contemporary wit declares that nothing gives him more pleasure +than to see golfers at dinner. He loves to watch them doing the soup +course, using one iron all the way round. + + *** + +There is no truth in the rumour that during a recent air-raid a man +was caught on the roof of a certain Government building in Whitehall +signalling to the Germans where not to drop their bombs. + + *** + +It should be added that the practice of giving air-raid warnings by +notice published in the following morning's papers has been abandoned +only after the most exhaustive tests. + + *** + +The Home Office announces that while it has not definitely decided +upon the method of giving warnings at night it will probably be by +gun fire. To distinguish this fire from the regular barrage it is +ingeniously suggested that the guns employed for the latter purpose +shall be painted blue, or some other distinctive colour. + + *** + +It is reported that Sinn Fein's second-best war-cry, "Up the KAISER," +is causing some irritation in the Wilhelmstrasse, where it is +freely admitted that the KAISER is already far higher up than the +circumstances justify. + + *** + +The Lambeth magistrate recently referred to the case of a boy of +fifteen who is paying income-tax. Friends of the youth have since been +heard to say that there is such a thing as carrying the spirit of +reckless bravado too far. + + *** + +"Farm work is proceeding slowly," says a Midland correspondent of the +Food Production Department. Those who recall the impetuous abandon of +the pre-war agriculturist may well ask whether Boloism has not been +work at again. + + *** + +Railway fares in Germany have been doubled; but it is doubtful if +this transparent artifice will prevent the KAISER from going about +the place making speeches to his troops on all the fronts. + + *** + +It is announced that promotion in the U.S. services will be based +solely on fitness, without regard to seniority. These are the sort of +revolutionists who would cover up grave defects in army organisation +by the meretricious expedient of winning the War. + + *** + +Inquiries, says _The Pall Mall Gazette_, disclose a wide-spread habit +among customers of bribing the assistants in grocery shops. The custom +among profiteers of giving them their cast-off motor cars probably +acted as the thin end of the wedge. + + *** + +A dear old lady writes that she is no longer nervous about air-raids, +now that her neighbourhood has been provided with an anticraft airgun. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE AIR-RAID SEASON. + +THE RESULT OF A LITTLE UNASSUMING ADVERTISEMENT: "CELLARMAN +WANTED.--APPLY, 82, ---- STREET, W."] + + * * * * * + +FOOD ECONOMY IN IRELAND. + + "Gloves, stockings, boots and shoes betoken the energy and meal + of the day, something tasty is desirable, and a very economical + dish of this kind can be made by making..."--_Belfast Evening + Telegraph._ + + * * * * * + +ZEPP-FLIGHTING IN THE HAUTES ALPES. + +_TO J.M._ + + Recall, dear John, a certain day + Back in the times of long ago-- + A stuffy old estaminet + Under the great peaks fledged with snow; + The Spring that set our hearts rejoicing + As up the serried mountains' bar + We climbed our tortuous way Rolls-Roycing + From Gap to Col Bayard. + + Little we dreamed, though that high air + Quickens imagination's flight, + What monstrous bird and very rare + Would in these parts some day alight; + How, like a roc of Arab fable, + A Zepp _en route_ from London town, + Trying to find its German stable, + Would here come blundering down. + + The swallows--you remember? yes?-- + Northward, just then, were heading straight; + No hint they dropped by which to guess + That other fowl's erratic fate; + An inner sense supplied their vision; + Not one of them contused his scalp + Or lost his feathers in collision + Bumping against an Alp. + + But they, the Zepp-birds, flopped and barged + From Lunéville to Valescure + (Where we of old have often charged + The bunkers of the Côte d'Azur); + And half a brace--so strange and far a + Course to the South it had to shape-- + Is still expected in Sahara + Or possibly the Cape. + + In happier autumns you and I + (You by your art and I by luck) + Have pulled the pheasant off the sky + Or flogged to death the flighting duck; + But never yet--how few the chances + Of pouching so superb a swag-- + Have we achieved a feat like France's + Immortal gas-bag bag. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +PURPLE PATCHES FROM LORD YORICK'S GREAT BOOK. + +(_SPECIAL REVIEW_.) + +Lord Yorick's _Reminiscences_, just published by the house of Hussell, +abound in genial anecdote, in which the "personal note" is lightly and +gracefully struck, in welcome contrast to the stodgy political memoirs +with which we have been surfeited of late. We append some extracts, +culled at random from these jocund pages:-- + +THE SHAH'S ROMANCE. + +"I don't suppose it is a State secret--but if it is there can be no +harm in divulging the fact--that there was some thought of a marriage +in the 'eighties' between the Shah of PERSIA and the lovely Miss +Malory, the lineal descendant of the famous author of the Arthurian +epic. Mr. GLADSTONE, Mme. DE NOVIKOFF and the Archbishop of CANTERBURY +were prime movers in the negotiations. But the SHAH'S table manners +and his obstinate refusal to be converted to the doctrines of +the Anglican Church, on which Miss Malory insisted, proved an +insurmountable obstacle, and the arrangement, which might have been +fraught with inestimable advantages to Persia, came to nought. Miss +Malory afterwards became Lady Yorick." + +PRACTICAL JOKING AT OXFORD IN THE "SIXTIES." + +"Jimmy Greene, afterwards Lord Havering, whose rooms were just below +mine, suffered a good deal from practical jokers. One day I was +chatting with Reggie Wragge when we heard loud cries for help just +below us. We rushed down and found Jimmy in the bath, struggling with +a large conger-eel which had been introduced by some of his friends. +I held on to the monster's tail, while Wragge severed its head with +a carving-knife. Poor Jimmy, who was always nervous and not very +'strong in his intellects,' was much upset, and was shortly afterwards +ploughed for the seventh time in Smalls. He afterwards went into +diplomacy, but died young." + +MRS. MANGOLD'S COMPLEXION. + +"At one of these dances at Yorick Castle Mrs. Mangold, afterwards +Lady Rootham, was staying with us. She was a very handsome woman, +with a wonderful complexion, so brilliant, indeed, that some sceptics +believed it to be artificial. A plot was accordingly hatched to +solve the problem, and during a set of Kitchen Lancers a syphon of +soda-water was cleverly squirted full in her face, but the colour +remained fast. Mrs. Mangold, I am sorry to say, failed to see the +point of the joke, and fled to her room, pursued as far as the +staircase by a score or more of cheering sportsmen." + +THE ORDEAL OF LADY VERBENA SOPER. + +"Mr. GOSCHEN, as he then was, was entertaining a large party to dinner +at Whitehall. He was at the time First Lord of the Admiralty, and an +awkward waiter upset an ice-pudding down the back of Lady Verbena +Soper, sister of Lady 'Loofah' Soper and daughter of the Earl of +Latherham, The poor lady cried out, 'I'm scalded!' but our host, +with great presence of mind, dashed out, returning with a bundle of +blankets and a can of hot water, which he promptly poured on to the +ice-pudding. The sufferer was then wrapped up in the blankets and +carried off to bed; The waiter was of course sacked on the spot, but +was saved from prosecution at the express request of his victim and +assisted to emigrate to America, where I believe he did well on an +orange farm in Florida." + + * * * * * + +IN A GOOD CAUSE. + +There is no War-charity known to Mr. Punch that does better work or +more quietly than that which is administered by the Children's Aid +Committee, who provide homes in country cottages and farm-houses for +children, most of them motherless, of our soldiers and sailors, visit +them from time to time and watch over their needs. Here in these homes +their fathers, who are kept informed of their children's welfare +during their absence, come to see them when on leave from the Front, +and find them gently cared for. Since the War began homes have been +provided for over two thousand four hundred children. A certain +grant in aid is allowed by the London War Pensions Committee, who +have learned to depend upon the Children's Aid Committee in their +difficulties about children, but for the most part this work relies +upon voluntary help, and without advertisement. Of the money that came +into the Committee's hands last year only about two per cent. was paid +away for salaries and office expenses. + +More than a year ago Mr. Punch appealed on behalf of this labour of +love, and now he begs his readers to renew the generous response which +they made at that time. Gifts of money and clothing, and offers of +hospitality, will be gratefully acknowledged by Miss MAXWELL LYTE, +Hon. Treasurer of the Children's Aid Committee, 50, South Molton +Street, London, W. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VIVE LA CHASSE! + +[With Mr. Punch's compliments to our gallant Allies on their bag of +Zepps.]] + + * * * * * + +STRONGER THAN HERSELF. + +In an assortment of nieces, totalling nine in all--but two of them, +being still, in Sir WALTER'S phrase, composed of "that species of pink +dough which is called a fine infant" do not count--I think that my +favourites are Enid and Hannah. Enid being the daughter of a brother +of mine, and Hannah of a sister, they are cousins. They are also +collaborators in literature and joint editors of a magazine for family +consumption entitled _The Attic Salt-Cellar_. The word "Attic" refers +to the situation of the editorial office, which is up a very perilous +ladder, and "salt-cellar" was a suggestion of my own, which, though +adopted, is not yet understood. + +During the search for pseudonyms for the staff--the pseudonym is an +essential in home journalism, and the easiest way of securing it is +to turn one's name round--we came upon the astonishing discovery that +Hannah is exactly the same whether you spell it backwards or forwards. +Hannah therefore calls herself, again at my suggestion, "Pal," +which is short for "palindrome." We also discovered, to her intense +delight, that Enid, when reversed, makes "Dine"--a pleasant word but +a poor pseudonym. She therefore calls herself after her pet flower, +"Marigold." + +Between them Pal and Marigold do all the work. There is room for an +epigram if you happen to have one about you, or even an ode, but they +can get along without outside contributions. Enid does most of the +writing and Hannah copies it out. + +So much for prelude to the story of Enid's serial. Having observed +that all the most popular periodicals have serial stories she decided +that she must write one too. It was called "The Prairie Lily," and +begun splendidly. I give the list of characters at the head of the +first instalment:-- + +_The Duke of Week_, an angry father and member of the House of Lords. + +_The Duchess of Week_, his wife, once famous for her beauty. + +_Lady Lily_, their daughter, aged nineteen and very lovely. + +_Mr. Ploot_, an American millionaire who loves the Lady Lily. + +_Lord Eustace Vavasour_, the Lady Lily's cousin, who loves her. + +_Jack Crawley_, a young farmer and the one that the Lady Lily loves. + +_Fanny Starlight_, a poor relation and the Lady Lily's very closest +friend. + +_Webb_, the Lady Lily's maid. + +Such were the characters when the story began, and at the end of the +first instalment the author, with very great ingenuity--or perhaps +with only a light-hearted disregard of probability--got the whole +bunch of them on a liner going to America. The last sentence described +the vessel gliding away from the dock, with the characters leaning +over the side waving good-bye. Even Jack Crawley, the young farmer, +was there; but he was not waving with the others, because he did not +want anyone to know that he knew the Lady Lily, or was on board at +all. Lord Eustace was on one side of the Lady Lily as she waved, +and Mr. Ploot on the other, and they were, of course, consumed with +jealousy of each other. + +Having read the first instalment, with the author's eye fixed +embarrassingly upon me, and the author giggling as she watched, I said +that it was very interesting; as indeed it was. I went on to ask what +part of America they were all going to, and how it would end, and so +on; and Enid sketched the probable course of events, which included +a duel for Lord Eustace and Mr. Ploot (who turned out to be not a +millionaire at all, but a gentleman thief) and a very exciting time +for the Lady Lily on a ranche in Texas, whither she had followed Jack +Crawley, who was to become famous throughout the States as "The Cowboy +King." I forget about the Duke and Duchess, but a lover was to be +found on the ranche for Fanny Starlight; and Red Indians were to carry +off Webb, who was to be rescued by the Cowboy King; and so on. There +were, in short, signs that Enid had not only read the feuilletons in +the picture papers but had been to the Movies too. But no matter what +had influenced her, the story promised well. + +Judge then my surprise when on opening the next number of _The Attic +Salt-Cellar_ I found that the instalment of the serial consisted only +of the following:-- + + THE PRAIRIE LILY. + + CHAPTER II. + + All went merrily on the good ship _Astarte_ until the evening of + the third day out, when it ran into another and larger ship and + was sunk with all hands. No one was saved. + + THE END. + +"But, my dear," I said, "you can't write novels like that." + +"Why not, Uncle Dick?" Enid asked. + +"Because it's not playing the game," I said. "After arousing +everyone's interest and exciting us with the first chapter, you can't +stop it all like this." + +"But it happened," she replied. "Ships often sink, Uncle Dick, and +this one sank." + +"Well, that's all right," I said, "but, my dear child, why drown +everyone? Why not let your own people be saved? Not the Duke and +Duchess, perhaps, but the others. Think of all those jolly things +that were going to happen in Texas, and the duel, and--" + +"Yes, I know," she replied sadly. "It's horrid to have to give them +up, but I couldn't help it. The ship would sink and no one was saved. +I shall have to begin another." + +There's a conscience for you! There's realism! Enid should go far. + +I have been wondering if there are any other writers of serial stories +whose readers would not suffer if similar visitations of inevitability +came to them. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DO TELL ME, UNCLE, ALL ABOUT THIS PERSIFLAGE YOU PUT +ON YOUR TENTS."] + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "SOME OF THE FREAKS FOUND IN NATURE + DOG MOTHERS TURKEYS + IRISH PEERESS IN KHAKI." + + _Toronto Star Weekly._ + + * * * * * + + "Attracted by anti-aircraft guns the Zeppelin bounded + upwards."--_Daily Chronicle_. + +That was in France. In England the lack of firing (according to our +pusillanimous critics) was positively repulsive. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tommy_. "'ANDS UP, ALL OF YER, I'M GOIN' ON LEAVE +TERMORRER. AIN'T GOT NO TIME TO WASTE."] + + * * * * * + +OUR INNOCENT SUBALTERNS. + +The leave-boat had come into port and there was the usual jam +around the gangways. On the quay at the foot of one of them was a +weary-looking officer performing the ungrateful task of detailing +officers for tours of duty with the troops. He had squares of white +cardboard in his hand, and here and there, as the officers trooped +down the gangway, he picked out a young and inoffensive-looking +subaltern and subpoenaed him. + +I chanced to notice a young and rosy-cheeked second-lieutenant, +innocent of the ways of this rude world, and I knew he was doomed. + +As he passed out on to the wharf I saw him receive one of those white +cards; he was also told to report to the corporal at the end of the +quay. + +I saw him slip behind a truck, where he left his bag and haversack, +his gloves and his cane, and when he reappeared on the far side he had +on his rain-coat, without stars. He had also altered the angle of his +cap. + +He waited near the foot of the other gangway, which was unguarded. I +drew nearer to see what he would do. Presently down the plank came +an oldish man--a lieutenant with a heavy moustache and two African +ribbons. My young friend stepped forward. + +"You are detailed for duty," I heard him say. "You will report to the +N.C.O. at the end of the quay." His intonation was a model for the +Staff College. + +"Curse the thing! I knew I should be nabbed for duty," I heard the +veteran growl as he strode off with the white card... + +I met the young man later at the Hotel ----, where he had had the +foresight to wire for a room. As I had failed to do this, I was glad +to avail myself of his kind offer to share his accommodation. After +such hospitality I could not refuse him a lift in my car, as we were +both bound for the same part of the country. + +I did not learn until afterwards that a preliminary chat with my +chauffeur had preceded his hospitable advances. Whenever anybody tells +me that our subalterns of to-day lack _savoir faire_ or that they are +deficient in tactical initiative, I tell him that he lies. + + * * * * * + + "A Bachelor, 38, wishes meet Protestant, born 4th Sept., 1899, + or 17th, 18th Sept., 1886, plain looks; poverty no barrier; view + matrimony."--_The Age (Melbourne)_. + +For so broad-minded a man he seems curiously fastidious about dates. + + * * * * * + +HUMOURS OF THE WAR OFFICE. + +THE EXCHANGE. + + Captain A. and Captain B., + The one was in F, the other in E, + The one was rheumatic and shrank from wet feet, + The other had sunstroke and dreaded the heat. + + "If we could exchange," wrote B. to A., + "We should both keep fitter (the doctors say)," + And, A. agreeing, they humbly prayed + The great War Office to lend its aid. + + In less than a month they got replies, + A letter to each of the self-same size; + A.'s was: "Yes, you'll exchange with B."; + B.'s was: "No, you'll remain in E." + + * * * * * + +OUR MODEST PUBLICISTS. + + "I felt it to be my duty to say that and I said it; and, of + course, nobody took any notice."--_Mr. Robert Blatchford, in + "The Sunday Chronicle."_ + + * * * * * + + "CHRISTIANA, Thursday. + + Several hours' violent cannonading was heard in the Skagerack. + + Norwegian torpedoes proceeded thither to investigate."--_Toowoomba + Chronicle_ (_Queensland_). + +Intelligent creatures, they poke their noses into everything. + + * * * * * + +BEASTS ROYAL. + +VI. + +KING GEORGE'S DALMATIAN. A.D. 1823. + + Yellow wheels and red wheels, and wheels that squeak and roar, + Big buttons, brown wigs, and many capes of buff ... + Someone's bound for Sussex, in a coach-and-four; + And, when the long whips crack, + Running at the back + Barks the swift Dalmatian, whose spots are seven-score. + + White dust and grey dust, fleeting tree and tower, + Brass horns and copper horns, blowing loud and bluff ... + Someone's bound for Sussex, at eleven miles an hour; + And, when the long horns blow, + From the wheels below + Barks the swift Dalmatian, tongued like an apple-flower. + + Big domes and little domes, donkey-carts that jog, + High stocks and low pumps and admirable snuff ... + Someone strolls at Brighton, not very much incog.; + And, panting on the grass, + In his collar bossed with brass, + Lies the swift Dalmatian, the KING's plum-pudding dog. + + * * * * * + +CAMOUFLAGE CONVERSATION. + +It came as a shock to the Brigade Major that the brigade on his left +had omitted to let him know the time of their projected raid that +night. It came as a shock all the more because it was the General +himself who first noticed the omission, and it is a golden rule for +Brigade Majors that they should always be the first to think of +things. + +"Ring 'em up and ask," said the General. "Don't, of course, mention +the word 'raid' on the telephone. Call it--um--ah, oh, call it +anything you like so long as they understand what you mean." + +At times, to the casual eavesdropper, strange things must appear to +be going on in the British lines. It must be a matter of surprise, to +such a one, that the British troops can think it worth their while to +inform each other at midnight that "Two Emperors of Pongo have become +attached to Annie Laurie." Nor would it appear that any military +object would be served in passing on the chatty piece of information +that "there will be no party for Windsor to-morrow." This habit of +calling things and places as they most emphatically are not is but a +concession, of course, to the habits of the infamous Hun, who rightly +or wrongly is supposed to overhear everything one says within a mile +of the line. + +Thinking in the vernacular proper to people who keep the little +knowledge they have to themselves, the Brigade Major grasped the hated +telephone in the left hand and prepared to say a few words (also in +the vernacular) to his fellow Staff Officer a mile away. + +"Hullo!" Br-rr--Crick-crick. "Hullo, Signals! Give me S-Salmon." + +"Salmon? You're through, Sir," boomed a voice apparently within a foot +of his ear. + +"OO!" An earsplitting crack was followed by a mosquito-like voice +singing in the wilderness. + +"Hullo!" + +"Hullo!" + +"This is Pike." + +"This is Possum. H-hullo, Pike!" + +"Hullo, Possum!" + +"I say, look here, the General w-wants to know" (here he paused to +throw a dark hidden meaning into the word) "what time--_it_--is." + +"What time it is?" + +"Yes, what time _it_ is! _It_. Yes, what time it is"--repeated +_fortissimo ad lib_. + +"Eleven thirty-five." + +"Eleven thirty-five? Why, it's on now. I don't hear anything on the +Front?" + +"No, you wouldn't." + +"Why not?" + +"Because it's all quiet." + +"But you said s-something was on?" + +"No, I didn't. You asked me what time it was and I told you." + +Swallowing hard several times, Possum girded up his loins, so to +speak, gripped the telephone firmly in the right hand this time, and +jumped off again. His "Hullo" sent a thrill through even the Bosch +listening apparatus in the next sector. + +"Hullo! L-look here, Pike, we--want--to--know--what time _it_ is." + +"Eleven thir--" + +"No, no, _it_--_it_" + +"What?" + +"It! You _know_ what I mean. Damit, what can I call it? Oh--er, +_sports_; what time is your _high jump_?" he added, nodding and +winking knowingly. "Well, what time's the circus? When do you start +for Berlin?" + +"I say, Possum, are you all right, old chap?" said a voice full of +concern. + +A crop of full-bodied beads appeared on the Brigade Major's brow. +His right hand was paralysed by the unceasing grip of the receiver. +There was a strained look in his eyes as of a man watching for the +ration-party. + +"S-something," he said, calmly and surely mastering his +fate--"s-something is happening to-night." + +"You're a cheery sort of bloke, aren't you?" + +"Good God, are you cracked or what? There's a--" + +"Careful, careful!" called the General from his comfortable chair in +the other room. + +"O-oh!" sang the mosquito voice, "_now_ I know what you mean. You want +to know what time our--er--ha! ha! you know--the--er--don't you?" + +"The--ha! ha! yes"--they leered frightfully at each other; it was a +horrible spectacle. No one would think that Possum had so much latent +evil in him. + +"We sent you the time mid-day." + +"Well, we haven't had it. C-can you give me any indication, w-without +actually s-saying it, you know?" + +"Well now," said the mosquito, "You know how many years' service I've +got? Multiply by two and add the map square of this headquarters." + +"Well, look here," it sang again, "you remember the number of the +billet where I had dinner with you three weeks ago? Well, halve that +and add two." + +"Half nine and add two" (_aside_: "These midnight mathematics will be +the death of me--ah! that's between six and seven?"). _Aloud_: "But +that's daylight." + +"No, it isn't. Which dinner are you thinking of?" + +With the sweat pouring down his face, both hands now clasping the +telephone--his right being completely numbed--he called upon the gods +to witness the foolishness of mortals. Suddenly a hideous cackle of +mosquito-laughter filtered through and, by some diabolical contrivance +of the signals, the tiny voice swelled into a bellow close to his ear. + +"If you really want to know, old Possum," it said, "the raid took +place two hours ago!" + +"I hope," said Possum, much relieved, but speaking with concentrated +venom, "I h-hope you may be strafed with boiling-- Are you there?" +Being assured that he was he slapped his receiver twice, and, much +gratified at the unprintable expression of the twice-stunned-one at +the other end, went to tell the General--who, he found, had gone to +bed and was fast asleep. + + * * * * * + + "The customary oats were administered to the new + Judge."--_Perthshire Constitutional_. + +There had been some fear, we understand, that owing to the food +shortage he would have to be content with thistles. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Stout Lady (_discussing the best thing to do in an +air-raid_). "WELL, I ALWAYS RUNS ABOUT MESELF. YOU SEE, AS MY 'USBAND +SEZ, AN' VERY REASONABLE TOO, A MOVIN' TARGIT IS MORE DIFFICULT TO +'IT."] + + * * * * * + +THE OLD FORMULA. + +Private Brown lay upon his pillows thoughtfully sucking the new pencil +given him by his mate in the next bed. Propped against the cradle that +covered his shattered knee was a pad, to which a sheet of paper had +been fixed, and he was about to write a letter to his wife. + +It was plainly to be an effort, for apart from the fact that he was +never a scholar there was the added uncertainty of his long disused +right hand to be reckoned with; but at last he grasped the pencil with +all the firmness he could muster and began:-- + +"DEAR WIFE,--I got your letter about Jim he ought to gone long ago, +shirking I calls it. This hospital is very nice and when you come down +from London youll see all the flowers and the gramophone which is a +fair treat. My wounds is slow and I often gets cramp." + +No sooner was the fatal word written than the fingers of his right +hand began to stiffen, the pencil fell upon the bed, then rolled +dejectedly to the floor, where the writer said it might stay for +all he cared. + +"You must let me finish the letter," said I, when his hand had been +rubbed and tucked away in a warm mitten. + +"Thank you, Miss; I was getting on nicely, and there's not much more +to say," he returned ruefully, scanning the wavering lines before him. + +"Well, shall I go on for a bit and let you wind up," said I, +unscrewing my pen and taking the pad on my knee. + +"Me telling you what to put like?" he asked with a look of pleased +relief. + +"That's it. Just say what you would write down yourself." + +He cleared his throat. + +"DEAR WIFE," he resumed, "the wounds is ... awful, not letting me +write at all. The one in my back is as long as your arm, and they says +it will heal quicker than the one in my knee, which has two tubes in +which they squirts strong-smelling stuff through. The foot is a pretty +sight, as big as half a melon, and I doubts ever being able to put it +to the ground again, though they says I shall. I gets very stiff at +nights and the pain sometimes is cruel, but they gives me a prick with +the morphia needle then which makes me dream something beautiful...." + +There was a pause while he indulged in a smiling reverie. + +"Perhaps we have said enough about your pains," I ventured, when, +returning from his visions, he puckered his brows in fresh thought. +"Your wife might be frightened if--" + +"Not her," he interrupted proudly. "She's a rare good nurse herself, +and it would take more than that to turn _her_ up." + +I shook my pen; he shifted his head a little and continued:-- + +"DEAR WIFE,--If you could see my shoulder dressed of a morning you +would laugh. They cuts out little pieces of lint like a picture puzzle +to fit the places, and I've got a regular map of Blighty all down my +arm; but that's not so bad as my back, which I cannot see and which +the wound is as long--" + +I blotted the sheet and turned over, and Private Brown eyed the space +left for further cheerful communications. + +"Shall I leave this for you to finish?" I suggested, thinking of +tender messages difficult to dictate. "Your fingers may be better +after tea, or perhaps to-morrow morning." + +"That's all right, Miss. There's nothing more to put except my name, +if you'll just say, "Good-bye, dear wife, hoping this finds you well +as it leaves me at present." + + * * * * * + +FAIR WARNING. + + "A POPULAR CONCERT WILL BE HELL IN THE PORTEOUS HALL, On + Friday, 2nd November."--_Scotch Paper_. + + * * * * * + +CURRAGH MEETING. + + Judea . . . . . . . . . . . E.M. Quirke 1 + Elfterion . . . . . . . . . . . M. Wing 2 + Tut Ttlddddddrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr aY + Tut Tut . . . . . . . . . . . . J. Dines 3 + + _Provincial Paper_. + + From which it is to be inferred + The angry printer backed the third. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WELL, UPON MY WORD! AFTER ALL THE TROUBLE I HAD TO GET +A QUARTER OF A POUND OF BUTTER, THE COOK'S SENT UP MARGARINE. I SHOULD +HATE THE MAIDS TO GO SHORT, BUT I _DO_ THINK WE OUGHT TO _SHARE_ +THINGS."] + + * * * * * + +THE ULTIMATE OUTRAGE. + + I had a favourite shirt for many moons, + Soft, silken, soothing and of tenderest tone, + Gossamer-light withal. The Subs., my peers, + Envied the garment, ransacking the land + To find a shirt its equal--all in vain. + For, when we tired of shooting at the Hun + And other Batteries clamoured for their share + And we resigned positions at the front + To dally for a space behind the line, + To shed my war-worn vesture I was wont-- + The G.S. boots, the puttees and the pants + That mock at cut and mar the neatest leg, + The battle-jacket with its elbows patched + And bands of leather, round its hard-used cuffs, + And, worst of all, the fuggy flannel shirt, + Rough and uncouth, that suffocates the soul; + And in their stead I donned habiliments + Cadets might dream of--serges with a waist, + And breeches cut by Blank (you know the man, + Or dare not say you don't), long lustrous boots, + And gloves canary-hued, bright primrose ties + Undimmed by shadows of Sir FRANCIS LLOYD-- + And, like a happy mood, I wore the shirt. + It was a woven breeze, a melody + Constrained by seams from melting in the air, + A summer perfume tethered to a stud, + The cool of evening cut to lit my form-- + And I shall wear it now no more, no more! + + There came a day we took it to be washed, + I and my batman, after due debate. + A little cottage stood hard by the road + Whose one small window said, in manuscript, + "Wasching for soldiers and for officers," + And there we left my shirt with anxious fears + And fond injunctions to the Belgian dame. + So it was washed. I marked it as I passed + Waving svelte arms beneath the kindly sun + As if it semaphored to its own shade + That answered from the grass. I saw it fill + And plunge against its bonds--methought it yearned + To join its tameless kin, the airy clouds. + And as I saw it so, I sang aloud, + "To-morrow I shall wear thee! Haste, O Time!" + Fond, futile dream! That very afternoon, + Her washing taken in and folded up + (My shirt, my shirt I mourn for, with the rest), + The frugal creature locked and left her cot + To cut a cabbage from a neighbour's field. + Then, without warning, from the empurpled sky, + Swift with grim dreadful purpose, swooped a shell + (Perishing Percy was the name he bore + Amongst, the irreverent soldiery), ah me! + And where the cottage stood there gaped a gulf; + The jewel and the casket vanished both. + + * * * * * + + Were there no other humble homes but that + For the vile Hun to fire at? Did some spy, + In bitter jealousy, betray my shirt? + What boots it to lament? The shirt is gone. + It was not meant for such an one as I, + A plain rough gunner with one only pip. + No doubt 'twas destined for some lofty soul + Who in a deck-chair lolls, and marks the map + And says, "Push here," while I and all my kind + Scrabble and slaughter in the appointed slough. + But I, presumptuous, wore it, till the gods + Called for my laundry with a thunderbolt. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HOW TO LOSE THE WAR AT HOME.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, October 22nd._--The fact that a couple of German raiders +contrived to slip through the North Sea patrol the other night was +made the excuse for an attack upon the Admiralty. Sir Eric Geddes came +down specially to assure the House that if it viewed things "in the +right perspective" it would realise that such isolated incidents were +unavoidable. Members generally were convinced, I think, by the sight +of the First Lord's bulldog jaw, even more than by his words, that the +Navy would not loose its grip on the enemy's throat. + +If "darkness and composure" are, as we have been told, the best +antidotes to an air-raid, where would you be more likely to find +them than in a CAVE? The HOME SECRETARY'S explanation did not, of +course, satisfy "P.B."--initials now standing for "Pull Baker"--who, +in a voice of extra raucosity, caused by his _al-fresco_ oratory +in East Islington, demanded that protection should be afforded +to--ballot-boxes. But he and Mr. JOYNSON-HICKS and Mr. DILLON--whose +sudden solicitude for the inhabitants of London was gently chaffed +by Mr. CHAMBERLAIN--were deservedly trounced by Mr. BONAR LAW, who +declared that if their craven squealings were typical he should +despair of victory. + +Who says that the removal of the grille has had no effect upon +politics? Exposed to the unimpeded gaze of the ladies in the Gallery +the House decided with great promptitude that the female voter should +not be called upon to state her exact age, but need only furnish a +statutory declaration that she was over thirty. + +_Tuesday, October 23rd._--So far as I know, the duties of a Junior +Lord of the Treasury have never been exactly defined. Apparently +those of Mr. PRATT include the compilation of a "London Letter," to +be sent to certain favoured newspapers. In one of them he appears to +have stated that Mr. ASQUITH'S condition of health was so precarious +that there was little likelihood of his resuming an active part in +politics. It was pleasant, therefore, to see the ex-Premier in his +place again, and able to contribute to the Irish debate a speech +showing no conspicuous failure either of intellect or verbal felicity. + +[Illustration: _Mr. Duke_. "HERE, I SAY--" + +_Mr. Redmond_. "SURE AN' I'M SORRY, BUT THE GINTLEMAN BEHIND PUSHED +ME."] + +Both Mr. REDMOND and Mr. DUKE had drawn a very gloomy picture of +present-day Ireland--the former, of course, attributing it entirely +to the ineptitudes of the "Castle," and being careful to say little +or nothing to hurt the feelings of the Sinn Feiners, while the latter +ascribed it to the rebellious speeches and actions of Mr. DE VALERA +and the other hillside orators whom for some inscrutable reason he +leaves at large. + +I hope Mr. ASQUITH was justified in assuming that the Sinn Fein +excesses were only an expression of the "rhetorical and contingent +belligerency" always present in Ireland, and that in spite of them the +Convention would make all things right. + +Meanwhile the Sinn Feiners have refused to take part in it. And not a +single Nationalist Member dared to denounce them to-night. Mr. T.M. +HEALY even gave them his blessing, for whatever that may be worth. + +_Wednesday, October 24_.--The strange case of Mrs. BESANT and Mr. +MONTAGU was brought before the Upper House by Lord SYDENHAM, who hoped +the Government were not going to make concessions to the noisy people +who wanted to set up a little oligarchy in India. The speeches of +Lord ISLINGTON and Lord CURZON did not entirely remove the impression +that the Government are a little afraid of Mrs. BESANT and her power +of "creating an atmosphere" by the emission of "hot air." Apparently +there is room for only one orator in India at a time, for it was +expressly stated that Mr. MONTAGU, who got back into office shortly +after the delivery of what Lord LANSDOWNE characterised as an +"intemperate" speech on Indian affairs, has given an undertaking not +to make any speech at all during his progress through the Peninsula. + +_Thursday, October 25th_.--Irish Members have first cut at the +Question-time cake on Thursdays, and employ their opportunity to +advertise their national grievances. Mr. O'LEARY, for example, drew +a moving picture of a poor old man occupying a single room, and +dependent for his subsistence on the grazing of a hypothetical cow; he +had been refused a pension by a hard-hearted Board. Translated into +prosaic English by the CHIEF SECRETARY it resolved itself into the +case of a farmer who had deliberately divested himself of his property +in the hope of "wangling" five shillings a week out of the Treasury. + +According to Mr. BYRNE the Lord Mayor of DUBLIN has been grossly +insulted by a high Irish official, who must be made to apologise or +resign. Again Mr. DUKE was unreceptive. He had seen the LORD MAYOR, +who disclaimed any responsibility for his self-constituted champion. +Mr. BYRNE should now be known as "the cuckoo in the mare's nest." + +An attack upon the Petroleum Royalties was led by Mr. ADAMSON, the +new Chairman of the Labour Party, who was cordially congratulated by +the COLONIAL SECRETARY on his appointment. Mr. LONG might have been a +shade less enthusiastic if he had foreseen the sequel. His assurance +that there was "nothing behind the Bill" was only too true. There was +not even a majority behind it; for the hostile amendment was carried +by 44 votes to 35, and the LLOYD GEORGE Administration sustained its +first defeat. "Nasty slippery stuff, oil," muttered the Government +Whip. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE UNSEEN HAND. + +_Bill_. "A FELLER IN THIS HERE PAPER SAYS AS WE AIN'T FIGHTING THE +GERMAN PEOPLE." + +_Gus_. "INDEED! DOES THE BLINKIN' IDIOT SAY WHO WE'VE BEEN UP AGAINST +ALL THIS TIME?"] + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, at once, three Slack Carters; constant + employment."--_Lancaster Observer_. + +We fear that intending applicants may be put off by the conditions. + + * * * * * + + "WHERE MY CARAVAN HAS RESTED--in A flat."--_Advt. in Provincial + Paper_. + +And, in the recent weather, a very good place for it. + + * * * * * + +WAR-TIME TAGS FROM "JULIUS CÆSAR." + +A "TAKE COVER" CONSTABLE TO A "SPECIAL." + + "I'll about, + And drive away the vulgar from the streets; + So do you too, where you perceive them thick."--_Act I. Sc. 1_. + +A WISE MAN. + + "Good night, then, Casca: this disturbéd sky + Is not to walk in."--_Act I. Sc. 3_. + +A RASH MAN. + + "For my part, I have walked about the streets... + Even in the aim and very flash of it."--_Act I. Sc. 3_. + +TO A MUNITION STRIKER. + + "But wherefore art not in thy shop to-day?"--_Act I. Sc. 1_. + +TO A LADY CLERK. + + "Is this a holiday? + What dost thou with thy best apparel on?"--_Act I. Sc. 1_. + +TO LORD RHONDDA +(_with a whear and potato war-loaf_). + + "Till then, my noble friend, chew upon this."--_Act I. Sc. 2_. + + * * * * * + +THE TRANSLATOR SEES THROUGH IT. + +Announcement by a French publisher:-- + + "Vient de paraitre:--'M. Britling commence à voir clair.'" + + * * * * * + + "MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS. + + A Large Quantity of Old Bricks for Sale."--_Dublin Evening + Herald_. + +Do not shoot the pianist. Throw a brick at him instead. + + * * * * * + +Regarding a certain judge:-- + + "Hence so many reversals by the Court of Appeal that suitors + were often more uneasy if they lost their case before him than + if they won it."--_Irish Times_. + +We assume that they were Irishmen. + + * * * * * + + "Elderly Lady Requires Post, as companion, Secretary or any + position of trust, would keep clergyman's wife in Parish, + etc."--_Church Family Newspaper_. + +But the difficulty with the parson's wife in some parishes, we are +told, is just the reverse of this. + + * * * * * + + "Duck and drake (wild) wanted; must be tame."--_Scotsman_. + +We dislike this frivolity in a serious paper. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR YOUNG VETERANS. + +_Grandfather_. "JUST HAD A TOPPING BIT OF NEWS, OLD DEAR. GERALD'S +WANGLED THE D.S.O." + +_Granny_. "ABSOLUTELY _PRICELESS_, OLD THING. ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT +CHILD WAS _SOME_ NIB."] + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +Albert Edward and I are on detachment just now. I can't mention what +job we are on because HINDENBURG is listening. He watches every move +made by Albert Edward and me and disposes his forces accordingly. Now +and again he forestalls us, now and again he don't. On the former +occasions he rings up LUDENDORFF, and they make a night of it with +beer and song; on the latter he pushes the bell violently for the old +German god. + +The spot Albert Edward and I inhabit just now is very interesting; +things happen all round us. There is a tame balloon tied by a string +to the back garden, an ammunition column on either flank and an +infantry battalion camped in front. Aeroplanes buzz overhead in flocks +and there is a regular tank service past the door. One way and another +our present location fairly teems with life; Albert Edward says it +reminds him of London. To heighten the similarity we get bombed every +night. + +Promptly after Mess the song of the bomb-bird is heard. The +searchlights stab and slash about the sky like tin swords in a stage +duel; presently they pick up the bomb-bird--a glittering flake of +tinsel--and the racket begins. Archibalds pop, machine guns chatter, +rifles crack, and here and there some optimistic sportsman browns the +Milky Way with a revolver. As Sir I. NEWTON'S law of gravity is still +in force and all that goes up must come down again, it is advisable to +wear a parasol on one's walks abroad. + +In view of the heavy lead-fall Albert Edward and I decided to have a +dug-out. We dug down six inches and struck water in massed formation. +I poked a finger into the water and licked it. "Tastes odd," said I, +"brackish or salt or something." + +"We've uncorked the blooming Atlantic, that's what," said Albert +Edward; "cork it up again quickly or it'll bob up and swamp us." That +done, we looked about for something that would stand digging into. The +only thing we could find was a molehill, so we delved our way into +that. We are residing in it now, Albert Edward, Maurice and I. We have +called it "_Mon Repos_," and stuck up a notice saying we are inside, +otherwise visitors would walk over it and miss us. + +The chief drawback to "_Mon Repos_" is Maurice. Maurice is the +proprietor by priority, a mole by nature. Our advent has more or less +driven him into the hinterland of his home and he is most unpleasant +about it. He sits in the basement and sulks by day, issuing at night +to scrabble about among our boots, falling over things and keeping us +awake. If we say "Boo! Shoo!" or any harsh word to him he doubles +up the backstairs to the attic and kicks earth over our faces at +three-minute intervals all night. + +Albert Edward says he is annoyed about the rent, but I call that +absurd. Maurice is perfectly aware that there is a war on, and to +demand rent from soldiers who are defending his molehill with their +lives is the most ridiculous proposition I ever heard of. As I said +before, the situation is most unpleasant, but I don't see what we can +do about it, for digging out Maurice means digging down "_Mon Repos_," +and there's no sense in that. Albert Edward had a theory that the +mole is a carnivorous animal, so he smeared a worm with carbolic +tooth-paste and left it lying about. It lay about for days. Albert now +admits his theory was wrong; the mole is a vegetarian, he says; he was +confusing it with trout. He is in the throes of inventing an explosive +potato for Maurice on the lines of a percussion grenade, but in the +meanwhile that gentleman remains in complete mastery of the situation. + +The balloon attached to our back garden is very tame. Every morning +its keepers lead it forth from its abode by strings, tie it to a +longer string and let it go. All day it remains aloft, tugging gently +at its leash and keeping an eye on the War. In the evening the keepers +appear once more, haul it down and lead it home for the night. It +reminds me for all the world of a huge docile elephant being bossed +about by the mahout's infant family. I always feel like giving the +gentle creature a bun. + +Now and again the Bosch birds come over disguised as clouds and spit +mouthfuls of red-hot tracer-bullets at it, and then the observers hop +out. One of them "hopped out" into my horse-lines last week. That is +to say his parachute caught in a tree and he hung swinging, like a +giant pendulum, over my horses' backs until we lifted him down. He +came into "_Mon Repos_" to have bits of tree picked out of him. This +was the sixth plunge overboard he had done in ten days, he told us. +Sometimes he plunged into the most embarrassing situations. On one +occasion he dropped clean through a bivouac roof into a hot bath +containing a Lieutenant-Colonel, who punched him with a sponge and +threw soap at him. On another he came fluttering down from the blue +into the midst of a labour company of Chinese coolies, who immediately +fell on their faces, worshipping him as some heavenly being, and later +cut off all his buttons as holy relics. An eventful life. + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +A PRECOCIOUS INFANT. + + "Will any kind lady adopt nice healthy baby girl, 6 weeks old, + good parentage; seen London."--_Times_. + + * * * * * + + "The King has given £100 to the Victoria Station free buffet + for sailors and soldiers."--_The Times_. + +In the days of RICHARD I. it was a commoner who furnished the King in +this respect. _Vide_ Sir WALTER SCOTT'S _Ivanhoe_, vol. ii., chap. +9: "Truly, friend," said the Friar, clenching his huge fist, "I will +bestow a buffet on thee." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Prisoner_ (_on his dignity_). "BUT YOU VOS NOT KNOW +VOT I AM. I AM A SERGEANT-MAJOR IN DER PRUSSIAN GUARD." + +_Tommy_. "WELL, WOT ABAHT IT? I'M A PRIVATE IN THE WEST KENTS."] + + * * * * * + +RHYMES OF THE TIMES. + + There was an old man with otitis + Who was told it was chronic arthritis; + On the sixth operation, + Without hesitation + They said that he died of phlebitis. + + A school just assembled for Prep. + Were warned of an imminent Zepp, + But they said, "What a lark! + Now we're all in the dark + So we shan't have to learn any Rep." + + Mr. BREX, with the forename of TWELLS, + Against all the bishops rebels, + And so fiercely upbraids + Their remarks on air-raids + That he rouses the envy of WELLS. + + The American miracle, FORD, + By pacificists once was adored; + Now their fury he raises + By winning the praises + Of England's great super-war-lord. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted--a Pair of Lady's Riding Boots, black or brown, size of + foot 4, diam. of calf 14 inches."--_Statesman_ (_Calcutta_). + +Great Diana! + + * * * * * + + "WANTED--Late Model, 5-passenger McLaughlin, Hudson, Paige, or + Cadillac car, in exchange for 5-crypt family de luxe section, + value $1,500, in Forest Lawn, Mausoleum."--_Toronto Daily Star_. + +With some difficulty we refrain from reviving the old joke about the +quick and the dead. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW MRS. MARKHAM. + +III. + +CONVERSATION ON CHAPTER LXX. + +_Mary_. Do tell us something more, Mamma, about the Great Rebellion +and how it began. + +_Mrs. M_. Well, my dear, you must know that in the previous reign it +had been the fashion for middle-aged and elderly people to behave +and dress as if they were still juvenile. Mothers neglected their +daughters and went to balls and theatres every night, where they were +conspicuous for their extravagant attire and strange conversation. +They would not allow their daughters to smoke, or, if they did, +provided them with the cheapest cigarettes. Fathers of even advanced +years wore knickerbocker suits on all occasions and spent most of +their time playing a game called golf. This at last provoked a violent +reaction, and the Great Rebellion was the consequence. Although there +was no bloodshed many distressing scenes were enacted and something +like a Reign of Terror prevailed for several years. + +_Richard_. Oh, Mamma, please go on! + +_Mrs. M_. Parents trembled at the sight of their children, and +fathers, even when they were sixty years old, stood bareheaded before +their sons and did not dare to speak without permission. Mothers never +sat down in the presence of their grown-up daughters, but stood in +respectful silence at the further end of the room, and were only +allowed to smoke in the kitchen. + +_George_. That cannot have been very good for the cooking. + +_Mrs. M_. The daughters of the family were seldom educated at home, +and when they returned to their father's roof their parents were only +admitted into the presence of their children during short and stated +periods. + +_Mary_. And when did the English begin to grow kinder to their +parents? + +_Mrs. M_. I really cannot say. Perhaps a climax was reached in the +Baby Suffrage Act; but after that matters began to improve, and the +Married Persons Amusements Act showed a more tolerant spirit towards +the elderly. But even so lately as when my mother was a child young +people were often exceedingly harsh with their parents, and she has +told me how on one occasion she locked up her mother for several hours +in the coal-cellar for playing a mouth-organ in the bathroom without +permission. + +_Richard._ Pray, Mamma, did the English speak Irish then, as they do +now? + +_Mrs. M_. Compulsory Irish was introduced under ALFRED as a concession +to Ireland for the services rendered by that kingdom to art and +literature and the neutrality which it observed during England's wars. +There was a certain amount of opposition, but it was soon overcome +by ALFRED'S wisely insisting on the newspapers being printed in both +languages. Since then the variations in dialect and pronunciation +which prevailed in different districts of England have largely +disappeared, and from Land's End to John o' Groat's the bilingual +system is now securely established, though my mother told me that as a +child she once met an old man in Northumberland who could only speak a +few words of Irish, and had been deprived of his vote in consequence. + +_Richard_. What were the Thirty-Nine Articles? I don't think I ever +heard of them before. + +_Mrs. M_. When you are of a proper age to understand them they shall +be explained to you. They contained the doctrines of the Church of +England, but were abolished by Archbishop WELLS, who substituted +seventy-eight of his own. But as Mary is looking tired I will now +conclude our conversation. + + * * * * * + +THE MOTH PERIL. + + ["Fruit growers are warned to be on their guard against + the wingless moth, for lime-washing the trees is almost + useless."--_Evening Paper_.] + +If the brute ignores the notice, "Keep off the trees," order him away +in a sharp voice. + +Sulphuric acid is a most deadly antidote; but only the best should be +used. If the moth be held over the bottle for ten minutes it will show +signs of collapse and offer to go quietly. + +This pest abhors heat. A good plan is to heat the garden-roller in the +kitchen fire to a white heat and push it up the tree. + +A gramophone in full song, is also useful. After a few minutes the +moth will come out of its dug-out with an abstracted expression on its +face, and commit suicide by jumping into the mouth of the trumpet. + + * * * * * + +A COMFORTING THOUGHT FOR USE ON WAR-TIME RAILWAYS. + + "To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive."--R.L. + STEVENSON. + + * * * * * + +From a parish magazine:-- + + "I know 'the war' still continues but these do not explain + everything. The large water tank at the schools is for sale--price + £5 10s. The sermons and as far as possible the music and hymns on + 21st (Trafalgar Day) will bear on the work of our incomparable + Navy." + +It is believed in the village that the parson is suffering from a rush +of Jumble Sales to the head. + + * * * * * + +HERBS OF GRACE. + +SWEET WOODRUFF. + +VII. + + Not for the world that we know, + But the lovelier world that we dream of + Dost thou, Sweet Woodruff, grow; + Not of this world is the theme of + The scent diffused + From thy bright leaves bruised; + Not in this world hast thou part or lot, + Save to tell of the dream one, forgot, forgot. + + Sweet Woodruff, thine is the scent + Of a world that was wise and lowly, + Singing with sane content, + Simple and clean and holy, + Merry and kind + As an April wind, + Happier far for the dawn's good gold + Than the chinking chaffer-stuff hard and cold. + + Thine is the odour of praise + In the loved little country churches; + Thine are the ancient ways + Which the new Gold Age besmirches; + Cordials, wine + And posies are thine, + The adze-cut beams with thy bunches fraught, + And the kist-laid linen by maidens wrought. + + Clean bodies, kind hearts, sweet souls, + Delight and delighted endeavour, + A spirit that chants and trolls, + A world that doth ne'er dissever + The body's hire + And the heart's desire; + Ah, bright leaves bruised and brown leaves dry, + Odours that bid this world go by. + + W.B. + + * * * * * + + "Once or twice Mr. Dickens has taken the place of circuit judge + when the King's Bench roll has been repleted."--_Evening Paper_. + +This, of course, was before the War. Our judges never over-eat +themselves nowadays. + + * * * * * + +From a list of current prices:-- + + "Brazil nuts 1s. 2d., Barcelona nuts 10d. per lb.; demons + 1½d."--_Derbyshire Advertiser_. + +No mention being made of the place of origin of the last-named, it +looks very much as if there had been some trading with the enemy. + + * * * * * + +What America says to-day-- + + "Feminist circles are greatly interested in the announcement made + by Dr. Sargeant, of Harvard University, that women make as good + soldiers as men."--_Sunday Pictorial_. + +Canada does to-morrow-- + + "The Canadian Government has issued a proclamation calling up ... + childless widows between the ages of 20 and 34 comprised in Class + 1 of the Military Service Act."--_Yorkshire Evening Paper_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mike (in bath-chair)_. "DID YE SAY WE'LL BE TURNING +BACK, DENNIS? SURE THE EXERCISE WILL BE DOING US GOOD IF WE GO A BIT +FURTHER."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +The numerous members of the public who like to take their printer's +ink with something more than a grain of sea-salt will welcome +_Sea-Spray and Spindrift_ (PEARSON), by their tried and trusted +friend, TAFFRAIL, the creator of _Pincher Martin, O.D._ TAFFRAIL, it +must be admitted, has a dashing briny way with him. He doesn't wait to +describe sunsets and storm-clouds, but plunges at once into the thick +of things. Consequently his stories go with a swing and a rush, for +which the reader is duly grateful--that is, if he is a discerning +reader. Of the present collection most were written some time ago and +have no reference to the War. Such, for instance, is "The Escape of +the _Speedwell_," a capital story of the year 1805, which may serve to +remind us that even in the glorious days of NELSON the English Channel +was not always a healthy place for British shipping. "The Channel," +says TAFFRAIL, "swarmed with the enemy's privateers.... Even the +merchant-ships in the home-coming convoys, protected though they were +by men-of-war, were not safe from capture, while the hostile luggers +would often approach the English coast in broad daylight and harry the +hapless fishing craft within a mile or two of the shore." Yet there +does not appear to have been a panic, nor was anyone's blood demanded. +_Autres temps autres moeurs_. In "The Gun-Runners" the author +describes a shady enterprise undertaken successfully by a British +crew; but nothing comes amiss to TAFFRAIL, and he does it with equal +zest. "The Inner Patrol" and "The Luck of the Tavy" more than redress +the balance to the side of virtue and sound warfare. Both stories are +excellent. + + * * * * * + +Among the minor results following the entry of America into the War +has been the release from bondage of several diplomatic pens, whose +owners would, under less happy circumstances, have been prevented from +telling the world many stories of great interest. Here, for example, +is the late Special Agent and Minister Plenipotentiary of the United +States, Mr. LEWIS EINSTEIN, writing of his experiences _Inside +Constantinople, April-September, 1915_ (MURRAY). This is a diary +kept by the Minister during the period covered by the Dardanelles +Expedition. As such you will hardly expect it to be agreeable reading, +but its tragic interest is undeniable. Mr. EINSTEIN, as a sympathetic +neutral, saw everything, and his comments are entirely outspoken. We +know the Dardanelles story well enough by now from our own side; here +for the first time one may see in full detail just how near it came +to victory. It is a history of chances neglected, of adverse fate and +heroism frustrated, such as no Englishman can read unmoved. But the +book has also a further value in the light it throws upon the Armenian +massacres and the complicity of Germany therein. "Though in later +years German officialdom may seek to disclaim responsibility, the +broad fact remains of German military direction at Constantinople ... +during the brief period in which took place the virtual extermination +of the Armenian race in Asia Minor." It is one more stain upon a +dishonoured shield, not to be forgotten in the final reckoning. + + * * * * * + +I never met a story more aptly named than Mrs. BELLOC LOWNDES' _Love +and Hatred_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL). _Oliver Tropenell_ worshipped _Laura +Pavely_, who returned this attachment, despite the fact that she was +already married to _Godfrey_. _Godfrey_, for his part, loved _Katty +Winslow_, a young widow, who flirted equally with him, with _Oliver_, +and with _Laura's_ undesirable brother, _Gilbert_. So much for the +tender passion. As for the other emotion, _Oliver_ naturally hated +_Godfrey_; so did _Gilbert_. _Laura_ also came to share their +sentiment. By the time things had reached this climax the moment was +obviously ripe for the disappearance of the much detested one, in +order that the rest of the tale might keep you guessing which of the +three had (so to speak) belled the cat. Followers of Mrs. LOWNDES +will indeed have been anticipating poor _Godfrey's_ demise for some +time, and may perhaps think that she takes a trifle too long over +her arrangements for the event. They will almost certainly share my +view that the explanation of the mystery is far too involved and +unintelligible. I shall, of course, not anticipate this for you. +It has been said that the works of HOMER were not written by HOMER +himself, but by another man of the same name. This may, or may not, +give you a clue to the murder of _Godfrey Pavely_. I wish the crime +were more worthy of such an artist in creeps as Mrs. LOWNDES has +proved herself to be. + + * * * * * + +The test of the second water, as sellers of tea assure us, provides +proof of a quality for which one must go to the right market. BARONESS +ORCZY has not feared to put her most famous product, _The Scarlet +Pimpernel_, to a similar trial. Whether the result of this renewed +dilution is entirely satisfactory I leave you to judge, but certainly +at least something of the well-known and popular aroma of romantic +artificiality clings about the pages of her latest story, _Lord Tony's +Wife_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), while at the bottom of the cup there is +not a little dash of the old strong flavour. On the other hand, though +it may be that one's appetite grows less lusty, it does seem that +in all the earlier chapters there is some undue proportion of thin +and rather tepid preparation for episodes quite clearly on the way, +so that in the end even the masterly vigour of the much advertised +_Pimpernel_, in full panoply of inane laughter and unguessed disguise, +failed to astound and stagger me as much as I could have wished. _Lord +Tony_ was a healthy young Englishman with no particular qualities +calling for comment, and his wife an equally charming young French +heroine. After having escaped to England from the writer's beloved +Reign of Terror, the lady and her aristo father were comfortably +decoyed back to France by a son of the people whose qualifications for +the post of villain were none too convincing, and there all manner of +unpleasant things were by way of happening to them, when enter the +despairing husband with the dashing scarlet one at his side--_et voilà +tout_. The last few chapters come nearly or even quite up to the mark, +but as for most of the rest, I advise you to take them as read. + + * * * * * + +In _A Certain Star_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) Miss PHYLLIS BOTTOME +achieves the difficult feat of treating a love conceived in a +romantic vein without declining upon sentimentality, and seasons her +descriptions, which are shrewdly, sometimes delicately, observed, +with quite a pretty wit. I commend it as a sound, unpretentious, +honestly-written book. _Sir Julian Verny_, a baronet with brains and +a very difficult temper, falls a captive to _Marian's_ proud and +compelling beauty. Then, just before the War flames up, secret service +claims him, and he returns from a dangerous mission irretrievably +crippled. _Marian_ fails him. True, she disdains to be released, but +out of pride not out of love. It is little grey suppressed _Stella_ +(her light has been hidden under the dull bushel of a Town Clerk's +office) who comes into her kingdom and wins back an ultra-sensitive +despairing man to the joy of living and working and the fine humility +of being dependent instead of masterful. There are so many _Julians_ +and there's need of so many _Stellas_ these sad days that it is well +to have such wholesome doctrine stated with so courageous an optimism. + + * * * * * + +There is a sentence on page 149 of _A Castle to Let_ (CASSELL) which, +though not for its style, I feel constrained to quote: "It was a +glorious day, the sunshine poured through the green boughs, and the +moss made cradles in which most people went to sleep with their +novels." Well, given a warm day and a comfortable resting-place, this +book by Mrs. BAILLIE REYNOLDS would do excellently well either to +sleep or keep awake with, according to your mood. The scene of it is +laid in Transylvania, where a rich young Englishwoman took an old +castle for the summer. Incidentally I have learned something about the +inhabitants of Transylvania, but apart from that I know now exactly +what a novel for the holidays should contain. Its ingredients are many +and rather wonderful, but Mrs. REYNOLDS is a deft mixer, and her skill +in managing no fewer than three love affairs without getting them and +you into a tangle is little short of miraculous. Then we are given +plenty of legends, mysteries and dreams, just intriguing enough to +produce an eerie atmosphere, but not sufficiently exciting to cause +palpitations of the heart. Need I add that the tenant of the castle +married the owner of it? As she was both human and sporting, it +worries me to think that she may now be interned. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Patriot Golfer_ (_seeing British aeroplane and not +wanting to take any risks_). "FORE!"] + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +153, October 31, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 153 *** + +***** This file should be named 11491-8.txt or 11491-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/4/9/11491/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, October 31, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 7, 2004 [EBook #11491] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 153 *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 153.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>October 31, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page295" + id="page295"></a>[pg 295]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>The Ministry of Food has informed the Twickenham Food + Control Committee that a doughnut is not a bun. Local unrest + has been almost completely allayed by this prompt and fearless + decision.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Many London grocers are asking customers to hand in orders + on Monday to ensure delivery within a week. In justice to a + much-abused State department it must be pointed out that + telegrams are frequently delivered within that period without + any absurd restriction as to the day of handing in.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>No more hotels in London, says Sir ALFRED MOND, are to be + taken over at present by the Government, which since the War + began has commandeered nearly three hundred buildings. We + understand, however, that a really spectacular offensive is + being prepared for the Spring.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Several parties of Germans who escaped from internment camps + have been recaptured with comparative ease. It is supposed that + their gentle natures could no longer bear the spectacle of the + sacrifices that the simple Briton is enduring in order that + they may be well fed.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The <i>Globe</i> has just published an article entitled "The + End of the World." Our rosy contemporary is far too + pessimistic, we feel. Mr. CHURCHILL'S appointment as Minister + of the Air has not yet been officially announced.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The <i>Vossische Zeitung</i> reports that the KAISER refuses + to accept the resignation of Admiral VON CAPELLE. The career of + Germany's Naval chief seems to be dogged by persistent bad + luck.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Another scoop for <i>The Daily Telegraph.</i> "On October + 14, 1066, at nine A.M.," said a recent issue, "the Battle of + Hastings commenced."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We fear that our allotment-holders are losing their dash. + The pumpkin grown at Burwash Place, which measured six feet in + circumference, is still a pumpkin and not a potato.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Grimsby magistrates have decided not to birch boys in + the future, but to fine their parents. Several soft-hearted + boys have already indicated that it will hurt them more than + their parents.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A female defendant at a London police court last week was + given the choice of prison or marriage, and preferred to get + married. How like a woman!</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A correspondent protests against the high prices paid for + old postage-stamps at a recent sale, and points out that stamps + can be obtained at one penny each at most post-offices, all + ready for use.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A North of England lady last week climbed to the top of the + chimney-stack of a large munition works and affixed a silver + coin in the masonry. The lady is thought to be nervous of + pickpockets.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A contemporary wit declares that nothing gives him more + pleasure than to see golfers at dinner. He loves to watch them + doing the soup course, using one iron all the way round.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There is no truth in the rumour that during a recent + air-raid a man was caught on the roof of a certain Government + building in Whitehall signalling to the Germans where not to + drop their bombs.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It should be added that the practice of giving air-raid + warnings by notice published in the following morning's papers + has been abandoned only after the most exhaustive tests.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Home Office announces that while it has not definitely + decided upon the method of giving warnings at night it will + probably be by gun fire. To distinguish this fire from the + regular barrage it is ingeniously suggested that the guns + employed for the latter purpose shall be painted blue, or some + other distinctive colour.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is reported that Sinn Fein's second-best war-cry, "Up the + KAISER," is causing some irritation in the Wilhelmstrasse, + where it is freely admitted that the KAISER is already far + higher up than the circumstances justify.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Lambeth magistrate recently referred to the case of a + boy of fifteen who is paying income-tax. Friends of the youth + have since been heard to say that there is such a thing as + carrying the spirit of reckless bravado too far.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Farm work is proceeding slowly," says a Midland + correspondent of the Food Production Department. Those who + recall the impetuous abandon of the pre-war agriculturist may + well ask whether Boloism has not been work at again.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Railway fares in Germany have been doubled; but it is + doubtful if this transparent artifice will prevent the KAISER + from going about the place making speeches to his troops on all + the fronts.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is announced that promotion in the U.S. services will be + based solely on fitness, without regard to seniority. These are + the sort of revolutionists who would cover up grave defects in + army organisation by the meretricious expedient of winning the + War.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Inquiries, says <i>The Pall Mall Gazette</i>, disclose a + wide-spread habit among customers of bribing the assistants in + grocery shops. The custom among profiteers of giving them their + cast-off motor cars probably acted as the thin end of the + wedge.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A dear old lady writes that she is no longer nervous about + air-raids, now that her neighbourhood has been provided with an + anticraft airgun.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/295.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/295.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE AIR-RAID SEASON.</h3>THE RESULT OF A LITTLE + UNASSUMING ADVERTISEMENT: "CELLARMAN WANTED.—APPLY, + 82, —— STREET, W." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Food Economy in Ireland.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Gloves, stockings, boots and shoes betoken the energy + and meal of the day, something tasty is desirable, and a + very economical dish of this kind can be made by + making..."—<i>Belfast Evening Telegraph.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page296" + id="page296"></a>[pg 296]</span> + + <h2>ZEPP-FLIGHTING IN THE HAUTES ALPES.</h2> + + <h3><i>To J.M.</i></h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Recall, dear John, a certain day</p> + + <p class="i2">Back in the times of long ago—</p> + + <p>A stuffy old estaminet</p> + + <p class="i2">Under the great peaks fledged with + snow;</p> + + <p>The Spring that set our hearts rejoicing</p> + + <p class="i2">As up the serried mountains' bar</p> + + <p>We climbed our tortuous way Rolls-Roycing</p> + + <p class="i6">From Gap to Col Bayard.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Little we dreamed, though that high air</p> + + <p class="i2">Quickens imagination's flight,</p> + + <p>What monstrous bird and very rare</p> + + <p class="i2">Would in these parts some day alight;</p> + + <p>How, like a roc of Arab fable,</p> + + <p class="i2">A Zepp <i>en route</i> from London + town,</p> + + <p>Trying to find its German stable,</p> + + <p class="i6">Would here come blundering down.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The swallows—you remember? yes?—</p> + + <p class="i2">Northward, just then, were heading + straight;</p> + + <p>No hint they dropped by which to guess</p> + + <p class="i2">That other fowl's erratic fate;</p> + + <p>An inner sense supplied their vision;</p> + + <p class="i2">Not one of them contused his scalp</p> + + <p>Or lost his feathers in collision</p> + + <p class="i6">Bumping against an Alp.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But they, the Zepp-birds, flopped and barged</p> + + <p class="i2">From Lunéville to Valescure</p> + + <p>(Where we of old have often charged</p> + + <p class="i2">The bunkers of the Côte + d'Azur);</p> + + <p>And half a brace—so strange and far a</p> + + <p class="i2">Course to the South it had to + shape—</p> + + <p>Is still expected in Sahara</p> + + <p class="i6">Or possibly the Cape.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In happier autumns you and I</p> + + <p class="i2">(You by your art and I by luck)</p> + + <p>Have pulled the pheasant off the sky</p> + + <p class="i2">Or flogged to death the flighting + duck;</p> + + <p>But never yet—how few the chances</p> + + <p class="i2">Of pouching so superb a swag—</p> + + <p>Have we achieved a feat like France's</p> + + <p class="i6">Immortal gas-bag bag.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>PURPLE PATCHES FROM LORD YORICK'S GREAT BOOK.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Special Review</i>.)</h4> + + <p>Lord Yorick's <i>Reminiscences</i>, just published by the + house of Hussell, abound in genial anecdote, in which the + "personal note" is lightly and gracefully struck, in welcome + contrast to the stodgy political memoirs with which we have + been surfeited of late. We append some extracts, culled at + random from these jocund pages:—</p> + + <h4>THE SHAH'S ROMANCE.</h4> + + <p>"I don't suppose it is a State secret—but if it is + there can be no harm in divulging the fact—that there was + some thought of a marriage in the 'eighties' between the Shah + of PERSIA and the lovely Miss Malory, the lineal descendant of + the famous author of the Arthurian epic. Mr. GLADSTONE, Mme. DE + NOVIKOFF and the Archbishop of CANTERBURY were prime movers in + the negotiations. But the SHAH'S table manners and his + obstinate refusal to be converted to the doctrines of the + Anglican Church, on which Miss Malory insisted, proved an + insurmountable obstacle, and the arrangement, which might have + been fraught with inestimable advantages to Persia, came to + nought. Miss Malory afterwards became Lady Yorick."</p> + + <h4>PRACTICAL JOKING AT OXFORD IN THE "SIXTIES."</h4> + + <p>"Jimmy Greene, afterwards Lord Havering, whose rooms were + just below mine, suffered a good deal from practical jokers. + One day I was chatting with Reggie Wragge when we heard loud + cries for help just below us. We rushed down and found Jimmy in + the bath, struggling with a large conger-eel which had been + introduced by some of his friends. I held on to the monster's + tail, while Wragge severed its head with a carving-knife. Poor + Jimmy, who was always nervous and not very 'strong in his + intellects,' was much upset, and was shortly afterwards + ploughed for the seventh time in Smalls. He afterwards went + into diplomacy, but died young."</p> + + <h4>MRS. MANGOLD'S COMPLEXION.</h4> + + <p>"At one of these dances at Yorick Castle Mrs. Mangold, + afterwards Lady Rootham, was staying with us. She was a very + handsome woman, with a wonderful complexion, so brilliant, + indeed, that some sceptics believed it to be artificial. A plot + was accordingly hatched to solve the problem, and during a set + of Kitchen Lancers a syphon of soda-water was cleverly squirted + full in her face, but the colour remained fast. Mrs. Mangold, I + am sorry to say, failed to see the point of the joke, and fled + to her room, pursued as far as the staircase by a score or more + of cheering sportsmen."</p> + + <h4>THE ORDEAL OF LADY VERBENA SOPER.</h4> + + <p>"Mr. GOSCHEN, as he then was, was entertaining a large party + to dinner at Whitehall. He was at the time First Lord of the + Admiralty, and an awkward waiter upset an ice-pudding down the + back of Lady Verbena Soper, sister of Lady 'Loofah' Soper and + daughter of the Earl of Latherham, The poor lady cried out, + 'I'm scalded!' but our host, with great presence of mind, + dashed out, returning with a bundle of blankets and a can of + hot water, which he promptly poured on to the ice-pudding. The + sufferer was then wrapped up in the blankets and carried off to + bed; The waiter was of course sacked on the spot, but was saved + from prosecution at the express request of his victim and + assisted to emigrate to America, where I believe he did well on + an orange farm in Florida."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>IN A GOOD CAUSE.</h2> + + <p>There is no War-charity known to Mr. Punch that does better + work or more quietly than that which is administered by the + Children's Aid Committee, who provide homes in country cottages + and farm-houses for children, most of them motherless, of our + soldiers and sailors, visit them from time to time and watch + over their needs. Here in these homes their fathers, who are + kept informed of their children's welfare during their absence, + come to see them when on leave from the Front, and find them + gently cared for. Since the War began homes have been provided + for over two thousand four hundred children. A certain grant in + aid is allowed by the London War Pensions Committee, who have + learned to depend upon the Children's Aid Committee in their + difficulties about children, but for the most part this work + relies upon voluntary help, and without advertisement. Of the + money that came into the Committee's hands last year only about + two per cent. was paid away for salaries and office + expenses.</p> + + <p>More than a year ago Mr. Punch appealed on behalf of this + labour of love, and now he begs his readers to renew the + generous response which they made at that time. Gifts of money + and clothing, and offers of hospitality, will be gratefully + acknowledged by Miss MAXWELL LYTE, Hon. Treasurer of the + Children's Aid Committee, 50, South Molton Street, London, + W.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page297" + id="page297"></a>[pg 297]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/297.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/297.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>VIVE LA CHASSE!</h3>[With Mr. Punch's compliments to + our gallant Allies on their bag of Zepps.] + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page298" + id="page298"></a>[pg 298]</span> + + <h2>STRONGER THAN HERSELF.</h2> + + <p>In an assortment of nieces, totalling nine in all—but + two of them, being still, in Sir WALTER'S phrase, composed of + "that species of pink dough which is called a fine infant" do + not count—I think that my favourites are Enid and Hannah. + Enid being the daughter of a brother of mine, and Hannah of a + sister, they are cousins. They are also collaborators in + literature and joint editors of a magazine for family + consumption entitled <i>The Attic Salt-Cellar</i>. The word + "Attic" refers to the situation of the editorial office, which + is up a very perilous ladder, and "salt-cellar" was a + suggestion of my own, which, though adopted, is not yet + understood.</p> + + <p>During the search for pseudonyms for the staff—the + pseudonym is an essential in home journalism, and the easiest + way of securing it is to turn one's name round—we came + upon the astonishing discovery that Hannah is exactly the same + whether you spell it backwards or forwards. Hannah therefore + calls herself, again at my suggestion, "Pal," which is short + for "palindrome." We also discovered, to her intense delight, + that Enid, when reversed, makes "Dine"—a pleasant word + but a poor pseudonym. She therefore calls herself after her pet + flower, "Marigold."</p> + + <p>Between them Pal and Marigold do all the work. There is room + for an epigram if you happen to have one about you, or even an + ode, but they can get along without outside contributions. Enid + does most of the writing and Hannah copies it out.</p> + + <p>So much for prelude to the story of Enid's serial. Having + observed that all the most popular periodicals have serial + stories she decided that she must write one too. It was called + "The Prairie Lily," and begun splendidly. I give the list of + characters at the head of the first instalment:—</p> + + <p><i>The Duke of Week</i>, an angry father and member of the + House of Lords.</p> + + <p><i>The Duchess of Week</i>, his wife, once famous for her + beauty.</p> + + <p><i>Lady Lily</i>, their daughter, aged nineteen and very + lovely.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Ploot</i>, an American millionaire who loves the Lady + Lily.</p> + + <p><i>Lord Eustace Vavasour</i>, the Lady Lily's cousin, who + loves her.</p> + + <p><i>Jack Crawley</i>, a young farmer and the one that the + Lady Lily loves.</p> + + <p><i>Fanny Starlight</i>, a poor relation and the Lady Lily's + very closest friend.</p> + + <p><i>Webb</i>, the Lady Lily's maid.</p> + + <p>Such were the characters when the story began, and at the + end of the first instalment the author, with very great + ingenuity—or perhaps with only a light-hearted disregard + of probability—got the whole bunch of them on a liner + going to America. The last sentence described the vessel + gliding away from the dock, with the characters leaning over + the side waving good-bye. Even Jack Crawley, the young farmer, + was there; but he was not waving with the others, because he + did not want anyone to know that he knew the Lady Lily, or was + on board at all. Lord Eustace was on one side of the Lady Lily + as she waved, and Mr. Ploot on the other, and they were, of + course, consumed with jealousy of each other.</p> + + <p>Having read the first instalment, with the author's eye + fixed embarrassingly upon me, and the author giggling as she + watched, I said that it was very interesting; as indeed it was. + I went on to ask what part of America they were all going to, + and how it would end, and so on; and Enid sketched the probable + course of events, which included a duel for Lord Eustace and + Mr. Ploot (who turned out to be not a millionaire at all, but a + gentleman thief) and a very exciting time for the Lady Lily on + a ranche in Texas, whither she had followed Jack Crawley, who + was to become famous throughout the States as "The Cowboy + King." I forget about the Duke and Duchess, but a lover was to + be found on the ranche for Fanny Starlight; and Red Indians + were to carry off Webb, who was to be rescued by the Cowboy + King; and so on. There were, in short, signs that Enid had not + only read the feuilletons in the picture papers but had been to + the Movies too. But no matter what had influenced her, the + story promised well.</p> + + <p>Judge then my surprise when on opening the next number of + <i>The Attic Salt-Cellar</i> I found that the instalment of the + serial consisted only of the following:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>THE PRAIRIE LILY.</p> + + <p>CHAPTER II.</p> + + <p>All went merrily on the good ship <i>Astarte</i> until + the evening of the third day out, when it ran into another + and larger ship and was sunk with all hands. No one was + saved.</p> + + <p>THE END.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>"But, my dear," I said, "you can't write novels like + that."</p> + + <p>"Why not, Uncle Dick?" Enid asked.</p> + + <p>"Because it's not playing the game," I said. "After arousing + everyone's interest and exciting us with the first chapter, you + can't stop it all like this."</p> + + <p>"But it happened," she replied. "Ships often sink, Uncle + Dick, and this one sank."</p> + + <p>"Well, that's all right," I said, "but, my dear child, why + drown everyone? Why not let your own people be saved? Not the + Duke and Duchess, perhaps, but the others. Think of all those + jolly things that were going to happen in Texas, and the duel, + and—"</p> + + <p>"Yes, I know," she replied sadly. "It's horrid to have to + give them up, but I couldn't help it. The ship would sink and + no one was saved. I shall have to begin another."</p> + + <p>There's a conscience for you! There's realism! Enid should + go far.</p> + + <p>I have been wondering if there are any other writers of + serial stories whose readers would not suffer if similar + visitations of inevitability came to them.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/298.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/298.png" + alt="" /></a>"DO TELL ME, UNCLE, ALL ABOUT THIS + PERSIFLAGE YOU PUT ON YOUR TENTS." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Another Impending Apology.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"SOME OF THE FREAKS FOUND IN NATURE</p> + + <p>DOG MOTHERS TURKEYS</p> + + <p>IRISH PEERESS IN KHAKI."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2"><i>Toronto Star Weekly.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Attracted by anti-aircraft guns the Zeppelin bounded + upwards."—<i>Daily Chronicle</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>That was in France. In England the lack of firing (according + to our pusillanimous critics) was positively repulsive.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page299" + id="page299"></a>[pg 299]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/299.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/299.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Tommy</i>. "'ANDS UP, ALL OF YER, I'M + GOIN' ON LEAVE TERMORRER. AIN'T GOT NO TIME TO WASTE." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR INNOCENT SUBALTERNS.</h2> + + <p>The leave-boat had come into port and there was the usual + jam around the gangways. On the quay at the foot of one of them + was a weary-looking officer performing the ungrateful task of + detailing officers for tours of duty with the troops. He had + squares of white cardboard in his hand, and here and there, as + the officers trooped down the gangway, he picked out a young + and inoffensive-looking subaltern and subpoenaed him.</p> + + <p>I chanced to notice a young and rosy-cheeked + second-lieutenant, innocent of the ways of this rude world, and + I knew he was doomed.</p> + + <p>As he passed out on to the wharf I saw him receive one of + those white cards; he was also told to report to the corporal + at the end of the quay.</p> + + <p>I saw him slip behind a truck, where he left his bag and + haversack, his gloves and his cane, and when he reappeared on + the far side he had on his rain-coat, without stars. He had + also altered the angle of his cap.</p> + + <p>He waited near the foot of the other gangway, which was + unguarded. I drew nearer to see what he would do. Presently + down the plank came an oldish man—a lieutenant with a + heavy moustache and two African ribbons. My young friend + stepped forward.</p> + + <p>"You are detailed for duty," I heard him say. "You will + report to the N.C.O. at the end of the quay." His intonation + was a model for the Staff College.</p> + + <p>"Curse the thing! I knew I should be nabbed for duty," I + heard the veteran growl as he strode off with the white + card...</p> + + <p>I met the young man later at the Hotel ——, where + he had had the foresight to wire for a room. As I had failed to + do this, I was glad to avail myself of his kind offer to share + his accommodation. After such hospitality I could not refuse + him a lift in my car, as we were both bound for the same part + of the country.</p> + + <p>I did not learn until afterwards that a preliminary chat + with my chauffeur had preceded his hospitable advances. + Whenever anybody tells me that our subalterns of to-day lack + <i>savoir faire</i> or that they are deficient in tactical + initiative, I tell him that he lies.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A Bachelor, 38, wishes meet Protestant, born 4th Sept., + 1899, or 17th, 18th Sept., 1886, plain looks; poverty no + barrier; view matrimony."—<i>The Age</i> + (<i>Melbourne</i>).</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>For so broad-minded a man he seems curiously fastidious + about dates.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HUMOURS OF THE WAR OFFICE.</h2> + + <h3>THE EXCHANGE.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Captain A. and Captain B.,</p> + + <p>The one was in F, the other in E,</p> + + <p>The one was rheumatic and shrank from wet feet,</p> + + <p>The other had sunstroke and dreaded the heat.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"If we could exchange," wrote B. to A.,</p> + + <p>"We should both keep fitter (the doctors say),"</p> + + <p>And, A. agreeing, they humbly prayed</p> + + <p>The great War Office to lend its aid.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In less than a month they got replies,</p> + + <p>A letter to each of the self-same size;</p> + + <p>A.'s was: "Yes, you'll exchange with B.";</p> + + <p>B.'s was: "No, you'll remain in E."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Our Modest Publicists.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"I felt it to be my duty to say that and I said it; and, + of course, nobody took any notice."—<i>Mr. Robert + Blatchford, in "The Sunday Chronicle."</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"CHRISTIANA, Thursday.</p> + + <p>Several hours' violent cannonading was heard in the + Skagerack.</p> + + <p>Norwegian torpedoes proceeded thither to + investigate."—<i>Toowoomba Chronicle</i> + (<i>Queensland</i>).</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Intelligent creatures, they poke their noses into + everything.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page300" + id="page300"></a>[pg 300]</span> + + <h2>BEASTS ROYAL.</h2> + + <h3>VI.</h3> + + <h3>KING GEORGE'S DALMATIAN. A.D. 1823.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yellow wheels and red wheels, and wheels that squeak + and roar,</p> + + <p class="i2">Big buttons, brown wigs, and many capes + of buff ...</p> + + <p>Someone's bound for Sussex, in a coach-and-four;</p> + + <p class="i2">And, when the long whips crack,</p> + + <p class="i2">Running at the back</p> + + <p>Barks the swift Dalmatian, whose spots are + seven-score.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>White dust and grey dust, fleeting tree and + tower,</p> + + <p class="i2">Brass horns and copper horns, blowing + loud and bluff ...</p> + + <p>Someone's bound for Sussex, at eleven miles an + hour;</p> + + <p class="i2">And, when the long horns blow,</p> + + <p class="i2">From the wheels below</p> + + <p>Barks the swift Dalmatian, tongued like an + apple-flower.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Big domes and little domes, donkey-carts that + jog,</p> + + <p class="i2">High stocks and low pumps and admirable + snuff ...</p> + + <p>Someone strolls at Brighton, not very much + incog.;</p> + + <p class="i2">And, panting on the grass,</p> + + <p class="i2">In his collar bossed with brass,</p> + + <p>Lies the swift Dalmatian, the KING's plum-pudding + dog.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>CAMOUFLAGE CONVERSATION.</h2> + + <p>It came as a shock to the Brigade Major that the brigade on + his left had omitted to let him know the time of their + projected raid that night. It came as a shock all the more + because it was the General himself who first noticed the + omission, and it is a golden rule for Brigade Majors that they + should always be the first to think of things.</p> + + <p>"Ring 'em up and ask," said the General. "Don't, of course, + mention the word 'raid' on the telephone. Call + it—um—ah, oh, call it anything you like so long as + they understand what you mean."</p> + + <p>At times, to the casual eavesdropper, strange things must + appear to be going on in the British lines. It must be a matter + of surprise, to such a one, that the British troops can think + it worth their while to inform each other at midnight that "Two + Emperors of Pongo have become attached to Annie Laurie." Nor + would it appear that any military object would be served in + passing on the chatty piece of information that "there will be + no party for Windsor to-morrow." This habit of calling things + and places as they most emphatically are not is but a + concession, of course, to the habits of the infamous Hun, who + rightly or wrongly is supposed to overhear everything one says + within a mile of the line.</p> + + <p>Thinking in the vernacular proper to people who keep the + little knowledge they have to themselves, the Brigade Major + grasped the hated telephone in the left hand and prepared to + say a few words (also in the vernacular) to his fellow Staff + Officer a mile away.</p> + + <p>"Hullo!" Br-rr—Crick-crick. "Hullo, Signals! Give me + S-Salmon."</p> + + <p>"Salmon? You're through, Sir," boomed a voice apparently + within a foot of his ear.</p> + + <p>"OO!" An earsplitting crack was followed by a mosquito-like + voice singing in the wilderness.</p> + + <p>"Hullo!"</p> + + <p>"Hullo!"</p> + + <p>"This is Pike."</p> + + <p>"This is Possum. H-hullo, Pike!"</p> + + <p>"Hullo, Possum!"</p> + + <p>"I say, look here, the General w-wants to know" (here he + paused to throw a dark hidden meaning into the word) "what + time—<i>it</i>—is."</p> + + <p>"What time it is?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, what time <i>it</i> is! <i>It</i>. Yes, what time it + is"—repeated <i>fortissimo ad lib</i>.</p> + + <p>"Eleven thirty-five."</p> + + <p>"Eleven thirty-five? Why, it's on now. I don't hear anything + on the Front?"</p> + + <p>"No, you wouldn't."</p> + + <p>"Why not?"</p> + + <p>"Because it's all quiet."</p> + + <p>"But you said s-something was on?"</p> + + <p>"No, I didn't. You asked me what time it was and I told + you."</p> + + <p>Swallowing hard several times, Possum girded up his loins, + so to speak, gripped the telephone firmly in the right hand + this time, and jumped off again. His "Hullo" sent a thrill + through even the Bosch listening apparatus in the next + sector.</p> + + <p>"Hullo! L-look here, Pike, + we—want—to—know—what time <i>it</i> + is."</p> + + <p>"Eleven thir—"</p> + + <p>"No, no, <i>it</i>—<i>it</i>"</p> + + <p>"What?"</p> + + <p>"It! You <i>know</i> what I mean. Damit, what can I call it? + Oh—er, <i>sports</i>; what time is your <i>high + jump</i>?" he added, nodding and winking knowingly. "Well, what + time's the circus? When do you start for Berlin?"</p> + + <p>"I say, Possum, are you all right, old chap?" said a voice + full of concern.</p> + + <p>A crop of full-bodied beads appeared on the Brigade Major's + brow. His right hand was paralysed by the unceasing grip of the + receiver. There was a strained look in his eyes as of a man + watching for the ration-party.</p> + + <p>"S-something," he said, calmly and surely mastering his + fate—"s-something is happening to-night."</p> + + <p>"You're a cheery sort of bloke, aren't you?"</p> + + <p>"Good God, are you cracked or what? There's a—"</p> + + <p>"Careful, careful!" called the General from his comfortable + chair in the other room.</p> + + <p>"O-oh!" sang the mosquito voice, "<i>now</i> I know what you + mean. You want to know what time our—er—ha! ha! you + know—the—er—don't you?"</p> + + <p>"The—ha! ha! yes"—they leered frightfully at + each other; it was a horrible spectacle. No one would think + that Possum had so much latent evil in him.</p> + + <p>"We sent you the time mid-day."</p> + + <p>"Well, we haven't had it. C-can you give me any indication, + w-without actually s-saying it, you know?"</p> + + <p>"Well now," said the mosquito, "You know how many years' + service I've got? Multiply by two and add the map square of + this headquarters."</p> + + <p>"Well, look here," it sang again, "you remember the number + of the billet where I had dinner with you three weeks ago? + Well, halve that and add two."</p> + + <p>"Half nine and add two" (<i>aside</i>: "These midnight + mathematics will be the death of me—ah! that's between + six and seven?"). <i>Aloud</i>: "But that's daylight."</p> + + <p>"No, it isn't. Which dinner are you thinking of?"</p> + + <p>With the sweat pouring down his face, both hands now + clasping the telephone—his right being completely + numbed—he called upon the gods to witness the foolishness + of mortals. Suddenly a hideous cackle of mosquito-laughter + filtered through and, by some diabolical contrivance of the + signals, the tiny voice swelled into a bellow close to his + ear.</p> + + <p>"If you really want to know, old Possum," it said, "the raid + took place two hours ago!"</p> + + <p>"I hope," said Possum, much relieved, but speaking with + concentrated venom, "I h-hope you may be strafed with + boiling— Are you there?" Being assured that he was he + slapped his receiver twice, and, much gratified at the + unprintable expression of the twice-stunned-one at the other + end, went to tell the General—who, he found, had gone to + bed and was fast asleep.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The customary oats were administered to the new + Judge."—<i>Perthshire Constitutional</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>There had been some fear, we understand, that owing to the + food shortage he would have to be content with thistles.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page301" + id="page301"></a>[pg 301]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/301.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/301.png" + alt="" /></a>Stout Lady (<i>discussing the best thing + to do in an air-raid</i>). "WELL, I ALWAYS RUNS ABOUT + MESELF. YOU SEE, AS MY 'USBAND SEZ, AN' VERY + REASONABLE TOO, A MOVIN' TARGIT IS MORE DIFFICULT TO + 'IT." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE OLD FORMULA.</h2> + + <p>Private Brown lay upon his pillows thoughtfully sucking the + new pencil given him by his mate in the next bed. Propped + against the cradle that covered his shattered knee was a pad, + to which a sheet of paper had been fixed, and he was about to + write a letter to his wife.</p> + + <p>It was plainly to be an effort, for apart from the fact that + he was never a scholar there was the added uncertainty of his + long disused right hand to be reckoned with; but at last he + grasped the pencil with all the firmness he could muster and + began:—</p> + + <p>"DEAR WIFE,—I got your letter about Jim he ought to + gone long ago, shirking I calls it. This hospital is very nice + and when you come down from London youll see all the flowers + and the gramophone which is a fair treat. My wounds is slow and + I often gets cramp."</p> + + <p>No sooner was the fatal word written than the fingers of his + right hand began to stiffen, the pencil fell upon the bed, then + rolled dejectedly to the floor, where the writer said it might + stay for all he cared.</p> + + <p>"You must let me finish the letter," said I, when his hand + had been rubbed and tucked away in a warm mitten.</p> + + <p>"Thank you, Miss; I was getting on nicely, and there's not + much more to say," he returned ruefully, scanning the wavering + lines before him.</p> + + <p>"Well, shall I go on for a bit and let you wind up," said I, + unscrewing my pen and taking the pad on my knee.</p> + + <p>"Me telling you what to put like?" he asked with a look of + pleased relief.</p> + + <p>"That's it. Just say what you would write down + yourself."</p> + + <p>He cleared his throat.</p> + + <p>"DEAR WIFE," he resumed, "the wounds is ... awful, not + letting me write at all. The one in my back is as long as your + arm, and they says it will heal quicker than the one in my + knee, which has two tubes in which they squirts strong-smelling + stuff through. The foot is a pretty sight, as big as half a + melon, and I doubts ever being able to put it to the ground + again, though they says I shall. I gets very stiff at nights + and the pain sometimes is cruel, but they gives me a prick with + the morphia needle then which makes me dream something + beautiful...."</p> + + <p>There was a pause while he indulged in a smiling + reverie.</p> + + <p>"Perhaps we have said enough about your pains," I ventured, + when, returning from his visions, he puckered his brows in + fresh thought. "Your wife might be frightened if—"</p> + + <p>"Not her," he interrupted proudly. "She's a rare good nurse + herself, and it would take more than that to turn <i>her</i> + up."</p> + + <p>I shook my pen; he shifted his head a little and + continued:—</p> + + <p>"DEAR WIFE,—If you could see my shoulder dressed of a + morning you would laugh. They cuts out little pieces of lint + like a picture puzzle to fit the places, and I've got a regular + map of Blighty all down my arm; but that's not so bad as my + back, which I cannot see and which the wound is as + long—"</p> + + <p>I blotted the sheet and turned over, and Private Brown eyed + the space left for further cheerful communications.</p> + + <p>"Shall I leave this for you to finish?" I suggested, + thinking of tender messages difficult to dictate. "Your fingers + may be better after tea, or perhaps to-morrow morning."</p> + + <p>"That's all right, Miss. There's nothing more to put except + my name, if you'll just say, "Good-bye, dear wife, hoping this + finds you well as it leaves me at present."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Fair Warning.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A POPULAR CONCERT WILL BE HELL IN THE PORTEOUS HALL, On + Friday, 2nd November."—<i>Scotch Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h3>CURRAGH MEETING.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Judea . . . . . . . . . . . E.M. Quirke 1</p> + + <p>Elfterion . . . . . . . . . . . M. Wing 2</p> + + <p>Tut Ttlddddddrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr aY</p> + + <p>Tut Tut . . . . . . . . . . . . J. Dines 3</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2"><i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>From which it is to be inferred</p> + + <p>The angry printer backed the third.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page302" + id="page302"></a>[pg 302]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/302.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/302.png" + alt="" /></a>"WELL, UPON MY WORD! AFTER ALL THE + TROUBLE I HAD TO GET A QUARTER OF A POUND OF BUTTER, + THE COOK'S SENT UP MARGARINE. I SHOULD HATE THE MAIDS + TO GO SHORT, BUT I <i>DO</i> THINK WE OUGHT TO + <i>SHARE</i> THINGS." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE ULTIMATE OUTRAGE.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I had a favourite shirt for many moons,</p> + + <p>Soft, silken, soothing and of tenderest tone,</p> + + <p>Gossamer-light withal. The Subs., my peers,</p> + + <p>Envied the garment, ransacking the land</p> + + <p>To find a shirt its equal—all in vain.</p> + + <p>For, when we tired of shooting at the Hun</p> + + <p>And other Batteries clamoured for their share</p> + + <p>And we resigned positions at the front</p> + + <p>To dally for a space behind the line,</p> + + <p>To shed my war-worn vesture I was wont—</p> + + <p>The G.S. boots, the puttees and the pants</p> + + <p>That mock at cut and mar the neatest leg,</p> + + <p>The battle-jacket with its elbows patched</p> + + <p>And bands of leather, round its hard-used cuffs,</p> + + <p>And, worst of all, the fuggy flannel shirt,</p> + + <p>Rough and uncouth, that suffocates the soul;</p> + + <p>And in their stead I donned habiliments</p> + + <p>Cadets might dream of—serges with a waist,</p> + + <p>And breeches cut by Blank (you know the man,</p> + + <p>Or dare not say you don't), long lustrous boots,</p> + + <p>And gloves canary-hued, bright primrose ties</p> + + <p>Undimmed by shadows of Sir FRANCIS LLOYD—</p> + + <p>And, like a happy mood, I wore the shirt.</p> + + <p>It was a woven breeze, a melody</p> + + <p>Constrained by seams from melting in the air,</p> + + <p>A summer perfume tethered to a stud,</p> + + <p>The cool of evening cut to lit my form—</p> + + <p>And I shall wear it now no more, no more!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There came a day we took it to be washed,</p> + + <p>I and my batman, after due debate.</p> + + <p>A little cottage stood hard by the road</p> + + <p>Whose one small window said, in manuscript,</p> + + <p>"Wasching for soldiers and for officers,"</p> + + <p>And there we left my shirt with anxious fears</p> + + <p>And fond injunctions to the Belgian dame.</p> + + <p>So it was washed. I marked it as I passed</p> + + <p>Waving svelte arms beneath the kindly sun</p> + + <p>As if it semaphored to its own shade</p> + + <p>That answered from the grass. I saw it fill</p> + + <p>And plunge against its bonds—methought it + yearned</p> + + <p>To join its tameless kin, the airy clouds.</p> + + <p>And as I saw it so, I sang aloud,</p> + + <p>"To-morrow I shall wear thee! Haste, O Time!"</p> + + <p>Fond, futile dream! That very afternoon,</p> + + <p>Her washing taken in and folded up</p> + + <p>(My shirt, my shirt I mourn for, with the rest),</p> + + <p>The frugal creature locked and left her cot</p> + + <p>To cut a cabbage from a neighbour's field.</p> + + <p>Then, without warning, from the empurpled sky,</p> + + <p>Swift with grim dreadful purpose, swooped a + shell</p> + + <p>(Perishing Percy was the name he bore</p> + + <p>Amongst, the irreverent soldiery), ah me!</p> + + <p>And where the cottage stood there gaped a gulf;</p> + + <p>The jewel and the casket vanished both.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr class="short" /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Were there no other humble homes but that</p> + + <p>For the vile Hun to fire at? Did some spy,</p> + + <p>In bitter jealousy, betray my shirt?</p> + + <p>What boots it to lament? The shirt is gone.</p> + + <p>It was not meant for such an one as I,</p> + + <p>A plain rough gunner with one only pip.</p> + + <p>No doubt 'twas destined for some lofty soul</p> + + <p>Who in a deck-chair lolls, and marks the map</p> + + <p>And says, "Push here," while I and all my kind</p> + + <p>Scrabble and slaughter in the appointed slough.</p> + + <p>But I, presumptuous, wore it, till the gods</p> + + <p>Called for my laundry with a thunderbolt.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page303" + id="page303"></a>[pg 303]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/303.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/303.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>HOW TO LOSE THE WAR AT HOME.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page304" + id="page304"></a>[pg 304]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday, October 22nd.</i>—The fact that a couple of + German raiders contrived to slip through the North Sea patrol + the other night was made the excuse for an attack upon the + Admiralty. Sir Eric Geddes came down specially to assure the + House that if it viewed things "in the right perspective" it + would realise that such isolated incidents were unavoidable. + Members generally were convinced, I think, by the sight of the + First Lord's bulldog jaw, even more than by his words, that the + Navy would not loose its grip on the enemy's throat.</p> + + <p>If "darkness and composure" are, as we have been told, the + best antidotes to an air-raid, where would you be more likely + to find them than in a CAVE? The HOME SECRETARY'S explanation + did not, of course, satisfy "P.B."—initials now standing + for "Pull Baker"—who, in a voice of extra raucosity, + caused by his <i>al-fresco</i> oratory in East Islington, + demanded that protection should be afforded + to—ballot-boxes. But he and Mr. JOYNSON-HICKS and Mr. + DILLON—whose sudden solicitude for the inhabitants of + London was gently chaffed by Mr. CHAMBERLAIN—were + deservedly trounced by Mr. BONAR LAW, who declared that if + their craven squealings were typical he should despair of + victory.</p> + + <p>Who says that the removal of the grille has had no effect + upon politics? Exposed to the unimpeded gaze of the ladies in + the Gallery the House decided with great promptitude that the + female voter should not be called upon to state her exact age, + but need only furnish a statutory declaration that she was over + thirty.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, October 23rd.</i>—So far as I know, the + duties of a Junior Lord of the Treasury have never been exactly + defined. Apparently those of Mr. PRATT include the compilation + of a "London Letter," to be sent to certain favoured + newspapers. In one of them he appears to have stated that Mr. + ASQUITH'S condition of health was so precarious that there was + little likelihood of his resuming an active part in politics. + It was pleasant, therefore, to see the ex-Premier in his place + again, and able to contribute to the Irish debate a speech + showing no conspicuous failure either of intellect or verbal + felicity.</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/304.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/304.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Mr. Duke</i>. "HERE, I SAY—"</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Redmond</i>. "SURE AN' I'M SORRY, BUT THE + GINTLEMAN BEHIND PUSHED ME."</p> + </div> + + <p>Both Mr. REDMOND and Mr. DUKE had drawn a very gloomy + picture of present-day Ireland—the former, of course, + attributing it entirely to the ineptitudes of the "Castle," and + being careful to say little or nothing to hurt the feelings of + the Sinn Feiners, while the latter ascribed it to the + rebellious speeches and actions of Mr. DE VALERA and the other + hillside orators whom for some inscrutable reason he leaves at + large.</p> + + <p>I hope Mr. ASQUITH was justified in assuming that the Sinn + Fein excesses were only an expression of the "rhetorical and + contingent belligerency" always present in Ireland, and that in + spite of them the Convention would make all things right.</p> + + <p>Meanwhile the Sinn Feiners have refused to take part in it. + And not a single Nationalist Member dared to denounce them + to-night. Mr. T.M. HEALY even gave them his blessing, for + whatever that may be worth.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, October 24</i>.—The strange case of Mrs. + BESANT and Mr. MONTAGU was brought before the Upper House by + Lord SYDENHAM, who hoped the Government were not going to make + concessions to the noisy people who wanted to set up a little + oligarchy in India. The speeches of Lord ISLINGTON and Lord + CURZON did not entirely remove the impression that the + Government are a little afraid of Mrs. BESANT and her power of + "creating an atmosphere" by the emission of "hot air." + Apparently there is room for only one orator in India at a + time, for it was expressly stated that Mr. MONTAGU, who got + back into office shortly after the delivery of what Lord + LANSDOWNE characterised as an "intemperate" speech on Indian + affairs, has given an undertaking not to make any speech at all + during his progress through the Peninsula.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, October 25th</i>.—Irish Members have + first cut at the Question-time cake on Thursdays, and employ + their opportunity to advertise their national grievances. Mr. + O'LEARY, for example, drew a moving picture of a poor old man + occupying a single room, and dependent for his subsistence on + the grazing of a hypothetical cow; he had been refused a + pension by a hard-hearted Board. Translated into prosaic + English by the CHIEF SECRETARY it resolved itself into the case + of a farmer who had deliberately divested himself of his + property in the hope of "wangling" five shillings a week out of + the Treasury.</p> + + <p>According to Mr. BYRNE the Lord Mayor of DUBLIN has been + grossly insulted by a high Irish official, who must be made to + apologise or resign. Again Mr. DUKE was unreceptive. He had + seen the LORD MAYOR, who + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page305" + id="page305"></a>[pg 305]</span> disclaimed any + responsibility for his self-constituted champion. Mr. BYRNE + should now be known as "the cuckoo in the mare's nest."</p> + + <p>An attack upon the Petroleum Royalties was led by Mr. + ADAMSON, the new Chairman of the Labour Party, who was + cordially congratulated by the COLONIAL SECRETARY on his + appointment. Mr. LONG might have been a shade less enthusiastic + if he had foreseen the sequel. His assurance that there was + "nothing behind the Bill" was only too true. There was not even + a majority behind it; for the hostile amendment was carried by + 44 votes to 35, and the LLOYD GEORGE Administration sustained + its first defeat. "Nasty slippery stuff, oil," muttered the + Government Whip.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/305.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/305.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE UNSEEN HAND.</h3> + + <p><i>Bill</i>. "A FELLER IN THIS HERE PAPER SAYS AS WE + AIN'T FIGHTING THE GERMAN PEOPLE."</p> + + <p><i>Gus</i>. "INDEED! DOES THE BLINKIN' IDIOT SAY WHO + WE'VE BEEN UP AGAINST ALL THIS TIME?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Wanted, at once, three Slack Carters; constant + employment."—<i>Lancaster Observer</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We fear that intending applicants may be put off by the + conditions.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"WHERE MY CARAVAN HAS RESTED—in A + flat."—<i>Advt. in Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>And, in the recent weather, a very good place for it.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>WAR-TIME TAGS FROM "JULIUS CÆSAR."</h2> + + <h4>A "TAKE COVER" CONSTABLE TO A "SPECIAL."</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"I'll about,</p> + + <p>And drive away the vulgar from the streets;</p> + + <p>So do you too, where you perceive them + thick."—<i>Act I. Sc. 1</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>A WISE MAN.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Good night, then, Casca: this disturbéd + sky</p> + + <p>Is not to walk in."—<i>Act I. Sc. 3</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>A RASH MAN.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"For my part, I have walked about the streets...</p> + + <p>Even in the aim and very flash of it."—<i>Act + I. Sc. 3</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>TO A MUNITION STRIKER.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"But wherefore art not in thy shop + to-day?"—<i>Act I. Sc. 1</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>TO A LADY CLERK.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Is this a holiday?</p> + + <p>What dost thou with thy best apparel + on?"—<i>Act I. Sc. 1</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4>TO LORD RHONDDA</h4> + + <h4>(<i>with a wheat and potato War-loaf</i>).</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Till then, my noble friend, chew upon + this."—<i>Act I. Sc. 2</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE TRANSLATOR SEES THROUGH IT.</h3> + + <p>Announcement by a French publisher:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Vient de paraitre:—'M. Britling commence à + voir clair.'"</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS.</p> + + <p>A Large Quantity of Old Bricks for + Sale."—<i>Dublin Evening Herald</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Do not shoot the pianist. Throw a brick at him instead.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Regarding a certain judge:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Hence so many reversals by the Court of Appeal that + suitors were often more uneasy if they lost their case + before him than if they won it."—<i>Irish + Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We assume that they were Irishmen.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Elderly Lady Requires Post, as companion, Secretary or + any position of trust, would keep clergyman's wife in + Parish, etc."—<i>Church Family Newspaper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>But the difficulty with the parson's wife in some parishes, + we are told, is just the reverse of this.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Duck and drake (wild) wanted; must be + tame."—<i>Scotsman</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We dislike this frivolity in a serious paper.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page306" + id="page306"></a>[pg 306]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/306.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/306.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>OUR YOUNG VETERANS.</h3> + + <p><i>Grandfather</i>. "JUST HAD A TOPPING BIT OF NEWS, OLD + DEAR. GERALD'S WANGLED THE D.S.O."</p> + + <p><i>Granny</i>. "ABSOLUTELY <i>PRICELESS</i>, OLD THING. + ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT CHILD WAS <i>SOME</i> NIB."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE MUD LARKS.</h2> + + <p>Albert Edward and I are on detachment just now. I can't + mention what job we are on because HINDENBURG is listening. He + watches every move made by Albert Edward and me and disposes + his forces accordingly. Now and again he forestalls us, now and + again he don't. On the former occasions he rings up LUDENDORFF, + and they make a night of it with beer and song; on the latter + he pushes the bell violently for the old German god.</p> + + <p>The spot Albert Edward and I inhabit just now is very + interesting; things happen all round us. There is a tame + balloon tied by a string to the back garden, an ammunition + column on either flank and an infantry battalion camped in + front. Aeroplanes buzz overhead in flocks and there is a + regular tank service past the door. One way and another our + present location fairly teems with life; Albert Edward says it + reminds him of London. To heighten the similarity we get bombed + every night.</p> + + <p>Promptly after Mess the song of the bomb-bird is heard. The + searchlights stab and slash about the sky like tin swords in a + stage duel; presently they pick up the bomb-bird—a + glittering flake of tinsel—and the racket begins. + Archibalds pop, machine guns chatter, rifles crack, and here + and there some optimistic sportsman browns the Milky Way with a + revolver. As Sir I. NEWTON'S law of gravity is still in force + and all that goes up must come down again, it is advisable to + wear a parasol on one's walks abroad.</p> + + <p>In view of the heavy lead-fall Albert Edward and I decided + to have a dug-out. We dug down six inches and struck water in + massed formation. I poked a finger into the water and licked + it. "Tastes odd," said I, "brackish or salt or something."</p> + + <p>"We've uncorked the blooming Atlantic, that's what," said + Albert Edward; "cork it up again quickly or it'll bob up and + swamp us." That done, we looked about for something that would + stand digging into. The only thing we could find was a + molehill, so we delved our way into that. We are residing in it + now, Albert Edward, Maurice and I. We have called it "<i>Mon + Repos</i>," and stuck up a notice saying we are inside, + otherwise visitors would walk over it and miss us.</p> + + <p>The chief drawback to "<i>Mon Repos</i>" is Maurice. Maurice + is the proprietor by priority, a mole by nature. Our advent has + more or less driven him into the hinterland of his home and he + is most unpleasant about it. He sits in the basement and sulks + by day, issuing at night to scrabble about among our boots, + falling over things and keeping us awake. If we say "Boo! + Shoo!" or any harsh word to him he doubles up the backstairs to + the attic and kicks earth over our faces at three-minute + intervals all night.</p> + + <p>Albert Edward says he is annoyed about the rent, but I call + that absurd. Maurice is perfectly aware that there is a war on, + and to demand rent from soldiers who are defending his molehill + with their lives is the most ridiculous proposition I ever + heard of. As I said before, the situation is most unpleasant, + but I don't see what we can do about it, for digging out + Maurice means digging down "<i>Mon Repos</i>," + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page307" + id="page307"></a>[pg 307]</span> and there's no sense in + that. Albert Edward had a theory that the mole is a + carnivorous animal, so he smeared a worm with carbolic + tooth-paste and left it lying about. It lay about for days. + Albert now admits his theory was wrong; the mole is a + vegetarian, he says; he was confusing it with trout. He is + in the throes of inventing an explosive potato for Maurice + on the lines of a percussion grenade, but in the meanwhile + that gentleman remains in complete mastery of the + situation.</p> + + <p>The balloon attached to our back garden is very tame. Every + morning its keepers lead it forth from its abode by strings, + tie it to a longer string and let it go. All day it remains + aloft, tugging gently at its leash and keeping an eye on the + War. In the evening the keepers appear once more, haul it down + and lead it home for the night. It reminds me for all the world + of a huge docile elephant being bossed about by the mahout's + infant family. I always feel like giving the gentle creature a + bun.</p> + + <p>Now and again the Bosch birds come over disguised as clouds + and spit mouthfuls of red-hot tracer-bullets at it, and then + the observers hop out. One of them "hopped out" into my + horse-lines last week. That is to say his parachute caught in a + tree and he hung swinging, like a giant pendulum, over my + horses' backs until we lifted him down. He came into "<i>Mon + Repos</i>" to have bits of tree picked out of him. This was the + sixth plunge overboard he had done in ten days, he told us. + Sometimes he plunged into the most embarrassing situations. On + one occasion he dropped clean through a bivouac roof into a hot + bath containing a Lieutenant-Colonel, who punched him with a + sponge and threw soap at him. On another he came fluttering + down from the blue into the midst of a labour company of + Chinese coolies, who immediately fell on their faces, + worshipping him as some heavenly being, and later cut off all + his buttons as holy relics. An eventful life.</p> + + <p>PATLANDER.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A PRECOCIOUS INFANT.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Will any kind lady adopt nice healthy baby girl, 6 + weeks old, good parentage; seen + London."—<i>Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The King has given £100 to the Victoria Station + free buffet for sailors and soldiers."—<i>The + Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>In the days of RICHARD I. it was a commoner who furnished + the King in this respect. <i>Vide</i> Sir WALTER SCOTT'S + <i>Ivanhoe</i>, vol. ii., chap. 9: "Truly, friend," said the + Friar, clenching his huge fist, "I will bestow a buffet on + thee."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/307.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/307.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Prisoner</i> (<i>on his dignity</i>). "BUT YOU VOS + NOT KNOW VOT I AM. I AM A SERGEANT-MAJOR IN DER PRUSSIAN + GUARD."</p> + + <p><i>Tommy</i>. "WELL, WOT ABAHT IT? I'M A PRIVATE IN THE + WEST KENTS."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>RHYMES OF THE TIMES.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There was an old man with otitis</p> + + <p>Who was told it was chronic arthritis;</p> + + <p class="i2">On the sixth operation,</p> + + <p class="i2">Without hesitation</p> + + <p>They said that he died of phlebitis.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A school just assembled for Prep.</p> + + <p>Were warned of an imminent Zepp,</p> + + <p class="i2">But they said, "What a lark!</p> + + <p class="i2">Now we're all in the dark</p> + + <p>So we shan't have to learn any Rep."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Mr. BREX, with the forename of TWELLS,</p> + + <p>Against all the bishops rebels,</p> + + <p class="i2">And so fiercely upbraids</p> + + <p class="i2">Their remarks on air-raids</p> + + <p>That he rouses the envy of WELLS.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The American miracle, FORD,</p> + + <p>By pacificists once was adored;</p> + + <p class="i2">Now their fury he raises</p> + + <p class="i2">By winning the praises</p> + + <p>Of England's great super-war-lord.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Wanted—a Pair of Lady's Riding Boots, black or + brown, size of foot 4, diam. of calf 14 + inches."—<i>Statesman</i> (<i>Calcutta</i>).</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Great Diana!</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"WANTED—Late Model, 5-passenger McLaughlin, + Hudson, Paige, or Cadillac car, in exchange for 5-crypt + family de luxe section, value $1,500, in Forest Lawn, + Mausoleum."—<i>Toronto Daily Star</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>With some difficulty we refrain from reviving the old joke + about the quick and the dead.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page308" + id="page308"></a>[pg 308]</span> + + <h2>THE NEW MRS. MARKHAM.</h2> + + <h3>III.</h3> + + <h3>CONVERSATION ON CHAPTER LXX.</h3> + + <p><i>Mary</i>. Do tell us something more, Mamma, about the + Great Rebellion and how it began.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M</i>. Well, my dear, you must know that in the + previous reign it had been the fashion for middle-aged and + elderly people to behave and dress as if they were still + juvenile. Mothers neglected their daughters and went to balls + and theatres every night, where they were conspicuous for their + extravagant attire and strange conversation. They would not + allow their daughters to smoke, or, if they did, provided them + with the cheapest cigarettes. Fathers of even advanced years + wore knickerbocker suits on all occasions and spent most of + their time playing a game called golf. This at last provoked a + violent reaction, and the Great Rebellion was the consequence. + Although there was no bloodshed many distressing scenes were + enacted and something like a Reign of Terror prevailed for + several years.</p> + + <p><i>Richard</i>. Oh, Mamma, please go on!</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M</i>. Parents trembled at the sight of their + children, and fathers, even when they were sixty years old, + stood bareheaded before their sons and did not dare to speak + without permission. Mothers never sat down in the presence of + their grown-up daughters, but stood in respectful silence at + the further end of the room, and were only allowed to smoke in + the kitchen.</p> + + <p><i>George</i>. That cannot have been very good for the + cooking.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M</i>. The daughters of the family were seldom + educated at home, and when they returned to their father's roof + their parents were only admitted into the presence of their + children during short and stated periods.</p> + + <p><i>Mary</i>. And when did the English begin to grow kinder + to their parents?</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M</i>. I really cannot say. Perhaps a climax was + reached in the Baby Suffrage Act; but after that matters began + to improve, and the Married Persons Amusements Act showed a + more tolerant spirit towards the elderly. But even so lately as + when my mother was a child young people were often exceedingly + harsh with their parents, and she has told me how on one + occasion she locked up her mother for several hours in the + coal-cellar for playing a mouth-organ in the bathroom without + permission.</p> + + <p><i>Richard.</i> Pray, Mamma, did the English speak Irish + then, as they do now?</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M</i>. Compulsory Irish was introduced under ALFRED + as a concession to Ireland for the services rendered by that + kingdom to art and literature and the neutrality which it + observed during England's wars. There was a certain amount of + opposition, but it was soon overcome by ALFRED'S wisely + insisting on the newspapers being printed in both languages. + Since then the variations in dialect and pronunciation which + prevailed in different districts of England have largely + disappeared, and from Land's End to John o' Groat's the + bilingual system is now securely established, though my mother + told me that as a child she once met an old man in + Northumberland who could only speak a few words of Irish, and + had been deprived of his vote in consequence.</p> + + <p><i>Richard</i>. What were the Thirty-Nine Articles? I don't + think I ever heard of them before.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. M</i>. When you are of a proper age to understand + them they shall be explained to you. They contained the + doctrines of the Church of England, but were abolished by + Archbishop WELLS, who substituted seventy-eight of his own. But + as Mary is looking tired I will now conclude our + conversation.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE MOTH PERIL.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Fruit growers are warned to be on their guard against + the wingless moth, for lime-washing the trees is almost + useless."—<i>Evening Paper</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>If the brute ignores the notice, "Keep off the trees," order + him away in a sharp voice.</p> + + <p>Sulphuric acid is a most deadly antidote; but only the best + should be used. If the moth be held over the bottle for ten + minutes it will show signs of collapse and offer to go + quietly.</p> + + <p>This pest abhors heat. A good plan is to heat the + garden-roller in the kitchen fire to a white heat and push it + up the tree.</p> + + <p>A gramophone in full song, is also useful. After a few + minutes the moth will come out of its dug-out with an + abstracted expression on its face, and commit suicide by + jumping into the mouth of the trumpet.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A Comforting Thought for use on War-Time Railways.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"To travel hopefully is a better thing than to + arrive."—R.L. STEVENSON.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From a parish magazine:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"I know 'the war' still continues but these do not + explain everything. The large water tank at the schools is + for sale—price £5 10s. The sermons and as far + as possible the music and hymns on 21st (Trafalgar Day) + will bear on the work of our incomparable Navy."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It is believed in the village that the parson is suffering + from a rush of Jumble Sales to the head.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HERBS OF GRACE.</h2> + + <h3>SWEET WOODRUFF.</h3> + + <h4>VII.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">Not for the world that we know,</p> + + <p class="i2">But the lovelier world that we dream + of</p> + + <p class="i4">Dost thou, Sweet Woodruff, grow;</p> + + <p class="i2">Not of this world is the theme of</p> + + <p class="i6">The scent diffused</p> + + <p class="i6">From thy bright leaves bruised;</p> + + <p>Not in this world hast thou part or lot,</p> + + <p>Save to tell of the dream one, forgot, forgot.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">Sweet Woodruff, thine is the scent</p> + + <p class="i2">Of a world that was wise and lowly,</p> + + <p class="i4">Singing with sane content,</p> + + <p class="i2">Simple and clean and holy,</p> + + <p class="i6">Merry and kind</p> + + <p class="i6">As an April wind,</p> + + <p>Happier far for the dawn's good gold</p> + + <p>Than the chinking chaffer-stuff hard and cold.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">Thine is the odour of praise</p> + + <p class="i2">In the loved little country churches;</p> + + <p class="i4">Thine are the ancient ways</p> + + <p class="i2">Which the new Gold Age besmirches;</p> + + <p class="i6">Cordials, wine</p> + + <p class="i6">And posies are thine,</p> + + <p>The adze-cut beams with thy bunches fraught,</p> + + <p>And the kist-laid linen by maidens wrought.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">Clean bodies, kind hearts, sweet + souls,</p> + + <p class="i2">Delight and delighted endeavour,</p> + + <p class="i4">A spirit that chants and trolls,</p> + + <p class="i2">A world that doth ne'er dissever</p> + + <p class="i6">The body's hire</p> + + <p class="i6">And the heart's desire;</p> + + <p>Ah, bright leaves bruised and brown leaves dry,</p> + + <p>Odours that bid this world go by.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>W.B.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Once or twice Mr. Dickens has taken the place of + circuit judge when the King's Bench roll has been + repleted."—<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This, of course, was before the War. Our judges never + over-eat themselves nowadays.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From a list of current prices:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Brazil nuts 1s. 2d., Barcelona nuts 10d. per lb.; + demons 1½d."—<i>Derbyshire Advertiser</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>No mention being made of the place of origin of the + last-named, it looks very much as if there had been some + trading with the enemy.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>What America says to-day—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Feminist circles are greatly interested in the + announcement made by Dr. Sargeant, of Harvard University, + that women make as good soldiers as men."—<i>Sunday + Pictorial</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Canada does to-morrow—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Canadian Government has issued a proclamation + calling up ... childless widows between the ages of 20 and + 34 comprised in Class 1 of the Military Service + Act."—<i>Yorkshire Evening Paper</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page309" + id="page309"></a>[pg 309]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/309.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/309.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Mike (in bath-chair)</i>. "DID YE SAY + WE'LL BE TURNING BACK, DENNIS? SURE THE EXERCISE WILL + BE DOING US GOOD IF WE GO A BIT FURTHER." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> + + <p>The numerous members of the public who like to take their + printer's ink with something more than a grain of sea-salt will + welcome <i>Sea-Spray and Spindrift</i> (PEARSON), by their + tried and trusted friend, TAFFRAIL, the creator of <i>Pincher + Martin, O.D.</i> TAFFRAIL, it must be admitted, has a dashing + briny way with him. He doesn't wait to describe sunsets and + storm-clouds, but plunges at once into the thick of things. + Consequently his stories go with a swing and a rush, for which + the reader is duly grateful—that is, if he is a + discerning reader. Of the present collection most were written + some time ago and have no reference to the War. Such, for + instance, is "The Escape of the <i>Speedwell</i>," a capital + story of the year 1805, which may serve to remind us that even + in the glorious days of NELSON the English Channel was not + always a healthy place for British shipping. "The Channel," + says TAFFRAIL, "swarmed with the enemy's privateers.... Even + the merchant-ships in the home-coming convoys, protected though + they were by men-of-war, were not safe from capture, while the + hostile luggers would often approach the English coast in broad + daylight and harry the hapless fishing craft within a mile or + two of the shore." Yet there does not appear to have been a + panic, nor was anyone's blood demanded. <i>Autres temps autres + moeurs</i>. In "The Gun-Runners" the author describes a shady + enterprise undertaken successfully by a British crew; but + nothing comes amiss to TAFFRAIL, and he does it with equal + zest. "The Inner Patrol" and "The Luck of the Tavy" more than + redress the balance to the side of virtue and sound warfare. + Both stories are excellent.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Among the minor results following the entry of America into + the War has been the release from bondage of several diplomatic + pens, whose owners would, under less happy circumstances, have + been prevented from telling the world many stories of great + interest. Here, for example, is the late Special Agent and + Minister Plenipotentiary of the United States, Mr. LEWIS + EINSTEIN, writing of his experiences <i>Inside Constantinople, + April-September, 1915</i> (MURRAY). This is a diary kept by the + Minister during the period covered by the Dardanelles + Expedition. As such you will hardly expect it to be agreeable + reading, but its tragic interest is undeniable. Mr. EINSTEIN, + as a sympathetic neutral, saw everything, and his comments are + entirely outspoken. We know the Dardanelles story well enough + by now from our own side; here for the first time one may see + in full detail just how near it came to victory. It is a + history of chances neglected, of adverse fate and heroism + frustrated, such as no Englishman can read unmoved. But the + book has also a further value in the light it throws upon the + Armenian massacres and the complicity of Germany therein. + "Though in later years German officialdom may seek to disclaim + responsibility, the broad fact remains of German military + direction at Constantinople ... during the brief period in + which took place the virtual extermination of the Armenian race + in Asia Minor." It is <span class="pagenum"><a name="page310" + id="page310"></a>[pg 310]</span> one more stain upon a + dishonoured shield, not to be forgotten in the final + reckoning.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I never met a story more aptly named than Mrs. BELLOC + LOWNDES' <i>Love and Hatred</i> (CHAPMAN AND HALL). <i>Oliver + Tropenell</i> worshipped <i>Laura Pavely</i>, who returned this + attachment, despite the fact that she was already married to + <i>Godfrey</i>. <i>Godfrey</i>, for his part, loved <i>Katty + Winslow</i>, a young widow, who flirted equally with him, with + <i>Oliver</i>, and with <i>Laura's</i> undesirable brother, + <i>Gilbert</i>. So much for the tender passion. As for the + other emotion, <i>Oliver</i> naturally hated <i>Godfrey</i>; so + did <i>Gilbert</i>. <i>Laura</i> also came to share their + sentiment. By the time things had reached this climax the + moment was obviously ripe for the disappearance of the much + detested one, in order that the rest of the tale might keep you + guessing which of the three had (so to speak) belled the cat. + Followers of Mrs. LOWNDES will indeed have been anticipating + poor <i>Godfrey's</i> demise for some time, and may perhaps + think that she takes a trifle too long over her arrangements + for the event. They will almost certainly share my view that + the explanation of the mystery is far too involved and + unintelligible. I shall, of course, not anticipate this for + you. It has been said that the works of HOMER were not written + by HOMER himself, but by another man of the same name. This + may, or may not, give you a clue to the murder of <i>Godfrey + Pavely</i>. I wish the crime were more worthy of such an artist + in creeps as Mrs. LOWNDES has proved herself to be.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The test of the second water, as sellers of tea assure us, + provides proof of a quality for which one must go to the right + market. BARONESS ORCZY has not feared to put her most famous + product, <i>The Scarlet Pimpernel</i>, to a similar trial. + Whether the result of this renewed dilution is entirely + satisfactory I leave you to judge, but certainly at least + something of the well-known and popular aroma of romantic + artificiality clings about the pages of her latest story, + <i>Lord Tony's Wife</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), while at the + bottom of the cup there is not a little dash of the old strong + flavour. On the other hand, though it may be that one's + appetite grows less lusty, it does seem that in all the earlier + chapters there is some undue proportion of thin and rather + tepid preparation for episodes quite clearly on the way, so + that in the end even the masterly vigour of the much advertised + <i>Pimpernel</i>, in full panoply of inane laughter and + unguessed disguise, failed to astound and stagger me as much as + I could have wished. <i>Lord Tony</i> was a healthy young + Englishman with no particular qualities calling for comment, + and his wife an equally charming young French heroine. After + having escaped to England from the writer's beloved Reign of + Terror, the lady and her aristo father were comfortably decoyed + back to France by a son of the people whose qualifications for + the post of villain were none too convincing, and there all + manner of unpleasant things were by way of happening to them, + when enter the despairing husband with the dashing scarlet one + at his side—<i>et voilà tout</i>. The last few + chapters come nearly or even quite up to the mark, but as for + most of the rest, I advise you to take them as read.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In <i>A Certain Star</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) Miss PHYLLIS + BOTTOME achieves the difficult feat of treating a love + conceived in a romantic vein without declining upon + sentimentality, and seasons her descriptions, which are + shrewdly, sometimes delicately, observed, with quite a pretty + wit. I commend it as a sound, unpretentious, honestly-written + book. <i>Sir Julian Verny</i>, a baronet with brains and a very + difficult temper, falls a captive to <i>Marian's</i> proud and + compelling beauty. Then, just before the War flames up, secret + service claims him, and he returns from a dangerous mission + irretrievably crippled. <i>Marian</i> fails him. True, she + disdains to be released, but out of pride not out of love. It + is little grey suppressed <i>Stella</i> (her light has been + hidden under the dull bushel of a Town Clerk's office) who + comes into her kingdom and wins back an ultra-sensitive + despairing man to the joy of living and working and the fine + humility of being dependent instead of masterful. There are so + many <i>Julians</i> and there's need of so many <i>Stellas</i> + these sad days that it is well to have such wholesome doctrine + stated with so courageous an optimism.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There is a sentence on page 149 of <i>A Castle to Let</i> + (CASSELL) which, though not for its style, I feel constrained + to quote: "It was a glorious day, the sunshine poured through + the green boughs, and the moss made cradles in which most + people went to sleep with their novels." Well, given a warm day + and a comfortable resting-place, this book by Mrs. BAILLIE + REYNOLDS would do excellently well either to sleep or keep + awake with, according to your mood. The scene of it is laid in + Transylvania, where a rich young Englishwoman took an old + castle for the summer. Incidentally I have learned something + about the inhabitants of Transylvania, but apart from that I + know now exactly what a novel for the holidays should contain. + Its ingredients are many and rather wonderful, but Mrs. + REYNOLDS is a deft mixer, and her skill in managing no fewer + than three love affairs without getting them and you into a + tangle is little short of miraculous. Then we are given plenty + of legends, mysteries and dreams, just intriguing enough to + produce an eerie atmosphere, but not sufficiently exciting to + cause palpitations of the heart. Need I add that the tenant of + the castle married the owner of it? As she was both human and + sporting, it worries me to think that she may now be + interned.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/310.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/310.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Patriot Golfer</i> (<i>seeing British + aeroplane and not wanting to take any risks</i>). + "FORE!" + </div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +153, October 31, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 153 *** + +***** This file should be named 11491-h.htm or 11491-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/4/9/11491/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, October 31, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 7, 2004 [EBook #11491] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 153 *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 153. + + + +October 31, 1917. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The Ministry of Food has informed the Twickenham Food Control +Committee that a doughnut is not a bun. Local unrest has been almost +completely allayed by this prompt and fearless decision. + + *** + +Many London grocers are asking customers to hand in orders on Monday +to ensure delivery within a week. In justice to a much-abused State +department it must be pointed out that telegrams are frequently +delivered within that period without any absurd restriction as to the +day of handing in. + + *** + +No more hotels in London, says Sir ALFRED MOND, are to be taken +over at present by the Government, which since the War began has +commandeered nearly three hundred buildings. We understand, however, +that a really spectacular offensive is being prepared for the Spring. + + *** + +Several parties of Germans who escaped from internment camps have been +recaptured with comparative ease. It is supposed that their gentle +natures could no longer bear the spectacle of the sacrifices that the +simple Briton is enduring in order that they may be well fed. + + *** + +The _Globe_ has just published an article entitled "The End of the +World." Our rosy contemporary is far too pessimistic, we feel. Mr. +CHURCHILL'S appointment as Minister of the Air has not yet been +officially announced. + + *** + +The _Vossische Zeitung_ reports that the KAISER refuses to accept the +resignation of Admiral VON CAPELLE. The career of Germany's Naval +chief seems to be dogged by persistent bad luck. + + *** + +Another scoop for _The Daily Telegraph._ "On October 14, 1066, at nine +A.M.," said a recent issue, "the Battle of Hastings commenced." + + *** + +We fear that our allotment-holders are losing their dash. The pumpkin +grown at Burwash Place, which measured six feet in circumference, is +still a pumpkin and not a potato. + + *** + +The Grimsby magistrates have decided not to birch boys in the future, +but to fine their parents. Several soft-hearted boys have already +indicated that it will hurt them more than their parents. + + *** + +A female defendant at a London police court last week was given the +choice of prison or marriage, and preferred to get married. How like +a woman! + + *** + +A correspondent protests against the high prices paid for old +postage-stamps at a recent sale, and points out that stamps can be +obtained at one penny each at most post-offices, all ready for use. + + *** + +A North of England lady last week climbed to the top of the +chimney-stack of a large munition works and affixed a silver coin in +the masonry. The lady is thought to be nervous of pickpockets. + + *** + +A contemporary wit declares that nothing gives him more pleasure +than to see golfers at dinner. He loves to watch them doing the soup +course, using one iron all the way round. + + *** + +There is no truth in the rumour that during a recent air-raid a man +was caught on the roof of a certain Government building in Whitehall +signalling to the Germans where not to drop their bombs. + + *** + +It should be added that the practice of giving air-raid warnings by +notice published in the following morning's papers has been abandoned +only after the most exhaustive tests. + + *** + +The Home Office announces that while it has not definitely decided +upon the method of giving warnings at night it will probably be by +gun fire. To distinguish this fire from the regular barrage it is +ingeniously suggested that the guns employed for the latter purpose +shall be painted blue, or some other distinctive colour. + + *** + +It is reported that Sinn Fein's second-best war-cry, "Up the KAISER," +is causing some irritation in the Wilhelmstrasse, where it is +freely admitted that the KAISER is already far higher up than the +circumstances justify. + + *** + +The Lambeth magistrate recently referred to the case of a boy of +fifteen who is paying income-tax. Friends of the youth have since been +heard to say that there is such a thing as carrying the spirit of +reckless bravado too far. + + *** + +"Farm work is proceeding slowly," says a Midland correspondent of the +Food Production Department. Those who recall the impetuous abandon of +the pre-war agriculturist may well ask whether Boloism has not been +work at again. + + *** + +Railway fares in Germany have been doubled; but it is doubtful if +this transparent artifice will prevent the KAISER from going about +the place making speeches to his troops on all the fronts. + + *** + +It is announced that promotion in the U.S. services will be based +solely on fitness, without regard to seniority. These are the sort of +revolutionists who would cover up grave defects in army organisation +by the meretricious expedient of winning the War. + + *** + +Inquiries, says _The Pall Mall Gazette_, disclose a wide-spread habit +among customers of bribing the assistants in grocery shops. The custom +among profiteers of giving them their cast-off motor cars probably +acted as the thin end of the wedge. + + *** + +A dear old lady writes that she is no longer nervous about air-raids, +now that her neighbourhood has been provided with an anticraft airgun. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE AIR-RAID SEASON. + +THE RESULT OF A LITTLE UNASSUMING ADVERTISEMENT: "CELLARMAN +WANTED.--APPLY, 82, ---- STREET, W."] + + * * * * * + +FOOD ECONOMY IN IRELAND. + + "Gloves, stockings, boots and shoes betoken the energy and meal + of the day, something tasty is desirable, and a very economical + dish of this kind can be made by making..."--_Belfast Evening + Telegraph._ + + * * * * * + +ZEPP-FLIGHTING IN THE HAUTES ALPES. + +_TO J.M._ + + Recall, dear John, a certain day + Back in the times of long ago-- + A stuffy old estaminet + Under the great peaks fledged with snow; + The Spring that set our hearts rejoicing + As up the serried mountains' bar + We climbed our tortuous way Rolls-Roycing + From Gap to Col Bayard. + + Little we dreamed, though that high air + Quickens imagination's flight, + What monstrous bird and very rare + Would in these parts some day alight; + How, like a roc of Arab fable, + A Zepp _en route_ from London town, + Trying to find its German stable, + Would here come blundering down. + + The swallows--you remember? yes?-- + Northward, just then, were heading straight; + No hint they dropped by which to guess + That other fowl's erratic fate; + An inner sense supplied their vision; + Not one of them contused his scalp + Or lost his feathers in collision + Bumping against an Alp. + + But they, the Zepp-birds, flopped and barged + From Luneville to Valescure + (Where we of old have often charged + The bunkers of the Cote d'Azur); + And half a brace--so strange and far a + Course to the South it had to shape-- + Is still expected in Sahara + Or possibly the Cape. + + In happier autumns you and I + (You by your art and I by luck) + Have pulled the pheasant off the sky + Or flogged to death the flighting duck; + But never yet--how few the chances + Of pouching so superb a swag-- + Have we achieved a feat like France's + Immortal gas-bag bag. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +PURPLE PATCHES FROM LORD YORICK'S GREAT BOOK. + +(_SPECIAL REVIEW_.) + +Lord Yorick's _Reminiscences_, just published by the house of Hussell, +abound in genial anecdote, in which the "personal note" is lightly and +gracefully struck, in welcome contrast to the stodgy political memoirs +with which we have been surfeited of late. We append some extracts, +culled at random from these jocund pages:-- + +THE SHAH'S ROMANCE. + +"I don't suppose it is a State secret--but if it is there can be no +harm in divulging the fact--that there was some thought of a marriage +in the 'eighties' between the Shah of PERSIA and the lovely Miss +Malory, the lineal descendant of the famous author of the Arthurian +epic. Mr. GLADSTONE, Mme. DE NOVIKOFF and the Archbishop of CANTERBURY +were prime movers in the negotiations. But the SHAH'S table manners +and his obstinate refusal to be converted to the doctrines of +the Anglican Church, on which Miss Malory insisted, proved an +insurmountable obstacle, and the arrangement, which might have been +fraught with inestimable advantages to Persia, came to nought. Miss +Malory afterwards became Lady Yorick." + +PRACTICAL JOKING AT OXFORD IN THE "SIXTIES." + +"Jimmy Greene, afterwards Lord Havering, whose rooms were just below +mine, suffered a good deal from practical jokers. One day I was +chatting with Reggie Wragge when we heard loud cries for help just +below us. We rushed down and found Jimmy in the bath, struggling with +a large conger-eel which had been introduced by some of his friends. +I held on to the monster's tail, while Wragge severed its head with +a carving-knife. Poor Jimmy, who was always nervous and not very +'strong in his intellects,' was much upset, and was shortly afterwards +ploughed for the seventh time in Smalls. He afterwards went into +diplomacy, but died young." + +MRS. MANGOLD'S COMPLEXION. + +"At one of these dances at Yorick Castle Mrs. Mangold, afterwards +Lady Rootham, was staying with us. She was a very handsome woman, +with a wonderful complexion, so brilliant, indeed, that some sceptics +believed it to be artificial. A plot was accordingly hatched to +solve the problem, and during a set of Kitchen Lancers a syphon of +soda-water was cleverly squirted full in her face, but the colour +remained fast. Mrs. Mangold, I am sorry to say, failed to see the +point of the joke, and fled to her room, pursued as far as the +staircase by a score or more of cheering sportsmen." + +THE ORDEAL OF LADY VERBENA SOPER. + +"Mr. GOSCHEN, as he then was, was entertaining a large party to dinner +at Whitehall. He was at the time First Lord of the Admiralty, and an +awkward waiter upset an ice-pudding down the back of Lady Verbena +Soper, sister of Lady 'Loofah' Soper and daughter of the Earl of +Latherham, The poor lady cried out, 'I'm scalded!' but our host, +with great presence of mind, dashed out, returning with a bundle of +blankets and a can of hot water, which he promptly poured on to the +ice-pudding. The sufferer was then wrapped up in the blankets and +carried off to bed; The waiter was of course sacked on the spot, but +was saved from prosecution at the express request of his victim and +assisted to emigrate to America, where I believe he did well on an +orange farm in Florida." + + * * * * * + +IN A GOOD CAUSE. + +There is no War-charity known to Mr. Punch that does better work or +more quietly than that which is administered by the Children's Aid +Committee, who provide homes in country cottages and farm-houses for +children, most of them motherless, of our soldiers and sailors, visit +them from time to time and watch over their needs. Here in these homes +their fathers, who are kept informed of their children's welfare +during their absence, come to see them when on leave from the Front, +and find them gently cared for. Since the War began homes have been +provided for over two thousand four hundred children. A certain +grant in aid is allowed by the London War Pensions Committee, who +have learned to depend upon the Children's Aid Committee in their +difficulties about children, but for the most part this work relies +upon voluntary help, and without advertisement. Of the money that came +into the Committee's hands last year only about two per cent. was paid +away for salaries and office expenses. + +More than a year ago Mr. Punch appealed on behalf of this labour of +love, and now he begs his readers to renew the generous response which +they made at that time. Gifts of money and clothing, and offers of +hospitality, will be gratefully acknowledged by Miss MAXWELL LYTE, +Hon. Treasurer of the Children's Aid Committee, 50, South Molton +Street, London, W. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VIVE LA CHASSE! + +[With Mr. Punch's compliments to our gallant Allies on their bag of +Zepps.]] + + * * * * * + +STRONGER THAN HERSELF. + +In an assortment of nieces, totalling nine in all--but two of them, +being still, in Sir WALTER'S phrase, composed of "that species of pink +dough which is called a fine infant" do not count--I think that my +favourites are Enid and Hannah. Enid being the daughter of a brother +of mine, and Hannah of a sister, they are cousins. They are also +collaborators in literature and joint editors of a magazine for family +consumption entitled _The Attic Salt-Cellar_. The word "Attic" refers +to the situation of the editorial office, which is up a very perilous +ladder, and "salt-cellar" was a suggestion of my own, which, though +adopted, is not yet understood. + +During the search for pseudonyms for the staff--the pseudonym is an +essential in home journalism, and the easiest way of securing it is +to turn one's name round--we came upon the astonishing discovery that +Hannah is exactly the same whether you spell it backwards or forwards. +Hannah therefore calls herself, again at my suggestion, "Pal," +which is short for "palindrome." We also discovered, to her intense +delight, that Enid, when reversed, makes "Dine"--a pleasant word but +a poor pseudonym. She therefore calls herself after her pet flower, +"Marigold." + +Between them Pal and Marigold do all the work. There is room for an +epigram if you happen to have one about you, or even an ode, but they +can get along without outside contributions. Enid does most of the +writing and Hannah copies it out. + +So much for prelude to the story of Enid's serial. Having observed +that all the most popular periodicals have serial stories she decided +that she must write one too. It was called "The Prairie Lily," and +begun splendidly. I give the list of characters at the head of the +first instalment:-- + +_The Duke of Week_, an angry father and member of the House of Lords. + +_The Duchess of Week_, his wife, once famous for her beauty. + +_Lady Lily_, their daughter, aged nineteen and very lovely. + +_Mr. Ploot_, an American millionaire who loves the Lady Lily. + +_Lord Eustace Vavasour_, the Lady Lily's cousin, who loves her. + +_Jack Crawley_, a young farmer and the one that the Lady Lily loves. + +_Fanny Starlight_, a poor relation and the Lady Lily's very closest +friend. + +_Webb_, the Lady Lily's maid. + +Such were the characters when the story began, and at the end of the +first instalment the author, with very great ingenuity--or perhaps +with only a light-hearted disregard of probability--got the whole +bunch of them on a liner going to America. The last sentence described +the vessel gliding away from the dock, with the characters leaning +over the side waving good-bye. Even Jack Crawley, the young farmer, +was there; but he was not waving with the others, because he did not +want anyone to know that he knew the Lady Lily, or was on board at +all. Lord Eustace was on one side of the Lady Lily as she waved, +and Mr. Ploot on the other, and they were, of course, consumed with +jealousy of each other. + +Having read the first instalment, with the author's eye fixed +embarrassingly upon me, and the author giggling as she watched, I said +that it was very interesting; as indeed it was. I went on to ask what +part of America they were all going to, and how it would end, and so +on; and Enid sketched the probable course of events, which included +a duel for Lord Eustace and Mr. Ploot (who turned out to be not a +millionaire at all, but a gentleman thief) and a very exciting time +for the Lady Lily on a ranche in Texas, whither she had followed Jack +Crawley, who was to become famous throughout the States as "The Cowboy +King." I forget about the Duke and Duchess, but a lover was to be +found on the ranche for Fanny Starlight; and Red Indians were to carry +off Webb, who was to be rescued by the Cowboy King; and so on. There +were, in short, signs that Enid had not only read the feuilletons in +the picture papers but had been to the Movies too. But no matter what +had influenced her, the story promised well. + +Judge then my surprise when on opening the next number of _The Attic +Salt-Cellar_ I found that the instalment of the serial consisted only +of the following:-- + + THE PRAIRIE LILY. + + CHAPTER II. + + All went merrily on the good ship _Astarte_ until the evening of + the third day out, when it ran into another and larger ship and + was sunk with all hands. No one was saved. + + THE END. + +"But, my dear," I said, "you can't write novels like that." + +"Why not, Uncle Dick?" Enid asked. + +"Because it's not playing the game," I said. "After arousing +everyone's interest and exciting us with the first chapter, you can't +stop it all like this." + +"But it happened," she replied. "Ships often sink, Uncle Dick, and +this one sank." + +"Well, that's all right," I said, "but, my dear child, why drown +everyone? Why not let your own people be saved? Not the Duke and +Duchess, perhaps, but the others. Think of all those jolly things +that were going to happen in Texas, and the duel, and--" + +"Yes, I know," she replied sadly. "It's horrid to have to give them +up, but I couldn't help it. The ship would sink and no one was saved. +I shall have to begin another." + +There's a conscience for you! There's realism! Enid should go far. + +I have been wondering if there are any other writers of serial stories +whose readers would not suffer if similar visitations of inevitability +came to them. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DO TELL ME, UNCLE, ALL ABOUT THIS PERSIFLAGE YOU PUT +ON YOUR TENTS."] + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "SOME OF THE FREAKS FOUND IN NATURE + DOG MOTHERS TURKEYS + IRISH PEERESS IN KHAKI." + + _Toronto Star Weekly._ + + * * * * * + + "Attracted by anti-aircraft guns the Zeppelin bounded + upwards."--_Daily Chronicle_. + +That was in France. In England the lack of firing (according to our +pusillanimous critics) was positively repulsive. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tommy_. "'ANDS UP, ALL OF YER, I'M GOIN' ON LEAVE +TERMORRER. AIN'T GOT NO TIME TO WASTE."] + + * * * * * + +OUR INNOCENT SUBALTERNS. + +The leave-boat had come into port and there was the usual jam +around the gangways. On the quay at the foot of one of them was a +weary-looking officer performing the ungrateful task of detailing +officers for tours of duty with the troops. He had squares of white +cardboard in his hand, and here and there, as the officers trooped +down the gangway, he picked out a young and inoffensive-looking +subaltern and subpoenaed him. + +I chanced to notice a young and rosy-cheeked second-lieutenant, +innocent of the ways of this rude world, and I knew he was doomed. + +As he passed out on to the wharf I saw him receive one of those white +cards; he was also told to report to the corporal at the end of the +quay. + +I saw him slip behind a truck, where he left his bag and haversack, +his gloves and his cane, and when he reappeared on the far side he had +on his rain-coat, without stars. He had also altered the angle of his +cap. + +He waited near the foot of the other gangway, which was unguarded. I +drew nearer to see what he would do. Presently down the plank came +an oldish man--a lieutenant with a heavy moustache and two African +ribbons. My young friend stepped forward. + +"You are detailed for duty," I heard him say. "You will report to the +N.C.O. at the end of the quay." His intonation was a model for the +Staff College. + +"Curse the thing! I knew I should be nabbed for duty," I heard the +veteran growl as he strode off with the white card... + +I met the young man later at the Hotel ----, where he had had the +foresight to wire for a room. As I had failed to do this, I was glad +to avail myself of his kind offer to share his accommodation. After +such hospitality I could not refuse him a lift in my car, as we were +both bound for the same part of the country. + +I did not learn until afterwards that a preliminary chat with my +chauffeur had preceded his hospitable advances. Whenever anybody tells +me that our subalterns of to-day lack _savoir faire_ or that they are +deficient in tactical initiative, I tell him that he lies. + + * * * * * + + "A Bachelor, 38, wishes meet Protestant, born 4th Sept., 1899, + or 17th, 18th Sept., 1886, plain looks; poverty no barrier; view + matrimony."--_The Age (Melbourne)_. + +For so broad-minded a man he seems curiously fastidious about dates. + + * * * * * + +HUMOURS OF THE WAR OFFICE. + +THE EXCHANGE. + + Captain A. and Captain B., + The one was in F, the other in E, + The one was rheumatic and shrank from wet feet, + The other had sunstroke and dreaded the heat. + + "If we could exchange," wrote B. to A., + "We should both keep fitter (the doctors say)," + And, A. agreeing, they humbly prayed + The great War Office to lend its aid. + + In less than a month they got replies, + A letter to each of the self-same size; + A.'s was: "Yes, you'll exchange with B."; + B.'s was: "No, you'll remain in E." + + * * * * * + +OUR MODEST PUBLICISTS. + + "I felt it to be my duty to say that and I said it; and, of + course, nobody took any notice."--_Mr. Robert Blatchford, in + "The Sunday Chronicle."_ + + * * * * * + + "CHRISTIANA, Thursday. + + Several hours' violent cannonading was heard in the Skagerack. + + Norwegian torpedoes proceeded thither to investigate."--_Toowoomba + Chronicle_ (_Queensland_). + +Intelligent creatures, they poke their noses into everything. + + * * * * * + +BEASTS ROYAL. + +VI. + +KING GEORGE'S DALMATIAN. A.D. 1823. + + Yellow wheels and red wheels, and wheels that squeak and roar, + Big buttons, brown wigs, and many capes of buff ... + Someone's bound for Sussex, in a coach-and-four; + And, when the long whips crack, + Running at the back + Barks the swift Dalmatian, whose spots are seven-score. + + White dust and grey dust, fleeting tree and tower, + Brass horns and copper horns, blowing loud and bluff ... + Someone's bound for Sussex, at eleven miles an hour; + And, when the long horns blow, + From the wheels below + Barks the swift Dalmatian, tongued like an apple-flower. + + Big domes and little domes, donkey-carts that jog, + High stocks and low pumps and admirable snuff ... + Someone strolls at Brighton, not very much incog.; + And, panting on the grass, + In his collar bossed with brass, + Lies the swift Dalmatian, the KING's plum-pudding dog. + + * * * * * + +CAMOUFLAGE CONVERSATION. + +It came as a shock to the Brigade Major that the brigade on his left +had omitted to let him know the time of their projected raid that +night. It came as a shock all the more because it was the General +himself who first noticed the omission, and it is a golden rule for +Brigade Majors that they should always be the first to think of +things. + +"Ring 'em up and ask," said the General. "Don't, of course, mention +the word 'raid' on the telephone. Call it--um--ah, oh, call it +anything you like so long as they understand what you mean." + +At times, to the casual eavesdropper, strange things must appear to +be going on in the British lines. It must be a matter of surprise, to +such a one, that the British troops can think it worth their while to +inform each other at midnight that "Two Emperors of Pongo have become +attached to Annie Laurie." Nor would it appear that any military +object would be served in passing on the chatty piece of information +that "there will be no party for Windsor to-morrow." This habit of +calling things and places as they most emphatically are not is but a +concession, of course, to the habits of the infamous Hun, who rightly +or wrongly is supposed to overhear everything one says within a mile +of the line. + +Thinking in the vernacular proper to people who keep the little +knowledge they have to themselves, the Brigade Major grasped the hated +telephone in the left hand and prepared to say a few words (also in +the vernacular) to his fellow Staff Officer a mile away. + +"Hullo!" Br-rr--Crick-crick. "Hullo, Signals! Give me S-Salmon." + +"Salmon? You're through, Sir," boomed a voice apparently within a foot +of his ear. + +"OO!" An earsplitting crack was followed by a mosquito-like voice +singing in the wilderness. + +"Hullo!" + +"Hullo!" + +"This is Pike." + +"This is Possum. H-hullo, Pike!" + +"Hullo, Possum!" + +"I say, look here, the General w-wants to know" (here he paused to +throw a dark hidden meaning into the word) "what time--_it_--is." + +"What time it is?" + +"Yes, what time _it_ is! _It_. Yes, what time it is"--repeated +_fortissimo ad lib_. + +"Eleven thirty-five." + +"Eleven thirty-five? Why, it's on now. I don't hear anything on the +Front?" + +"No, you wouldn't." + +"Why not?" + +"Because it's all quiet." + +"But you said s-something was on?" + +"No, I didn't. You asked me what time it was and I told you." + +Swallowing hard several times, Possum girded up his loins, so to +speak, gripped the telephone firmly in the right hand this time, and +jumped off again. His "Hullo" sent a thrill through even the Bosch +listening apparatus in the next sector. + +"Hullo! L-look here, Pike, we--want--to--know--what time _it_ is." + +"Eleven thir--" + +"No, no, _it_--_it_" + +"What?" + +"It! You _know_ what I mean. Damit, what can I call it? Oh--er, +_sports_; what time is your _high jump_?" he added, nodding and +winking knowingly. "Well, what time's the circus? When do you start +for Berlin?" + +"I say, Possum, are you all right, old chap?" said a voice full of +concern. + +A crop of full-bodied beads appeared on the Brigade Major's brow. +His right hand was paralysed by the unceasing grip of the receiver. +There was a strained look in his eyes as of a man watching for the +ration-party. + +"S-something," he said, calmly and surely mastering his +fate--"s-something is happening to-night." + +"You're a cheery sort of bloke, aren't you?" + +"Good God, are you cracked or what? There's a--" + +"Careful, careful!" called the General from his comfortable chair in +the other room. + +"O-oh!" sang the mosquito voice, "_now_ I know what you mean. You want +to know what time our--er--ha! ha! you know--the--er--don't you?" + +"The--ha! ha! yes"--they leered frightfully at each other; it was a +horrible spectacle. No one would think that Possum had so much latent +evil in him. + +"We sent you the time mid-day." + +"Well, we haven't had it. C-can you give me any indication, w-without +actually s-saying it, you know?" + +"Well now," said the mosquito, "You know how many years' service I've +got? Multiply by two and add the map square of this headquarters." + +"Well, look here," it sang again, "you remember the number of the +billet where I had dinner with you three weeks ago? Well, halve that +and add two." + +"Half nine and add two" (_aside_: "These midnight mathematics will be +the death of me--ah! that's between six and seven?"). _Aloud_: "But +that's daylight." + +"No, it isn't. Which dinner are you thinking of?" + +With the sweat pouring down his face, both hands now clasping the +telephone--his right being completely numbed--he called upon the gods +to witness the foolishness of mortals. Suddenly a hideous cackle of +mosquito-laughter filtered through and, by some diabolical contrivance +of the signals, the tiny voice swelled into a bellow close to his ear. + +"If you really want to know, old Possum," it said, "the raid took +place two hours ago!" + +"I hope," said Possum, much relieved, but speaking with concentrated +venom, "I h-hope you may be strafed with boiling-- Are you there?" +Being assured that he was he slapped his receiver twice, and, much +gratified at the unprintable expression of the twice-stunned-one at +the other end, went to tell the General--who, he found, had gone to +bed and was fast asleep. + + * * * * * + + "The customary oats were administered to the new + Judge."--_Perthshire Constitutional_. + +There had been some fear, we understand, that owing to the food +shortage he would have to be content with thistles. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Stout Lady (_discussing the best thing to do in an +air-raid_). "WELL, I ALWAYS RUNS ABOUT MESELF. YOU SEE, AS MY 'USBAND +SEZ, AN' VERY REASONABLE TOO, A MOVIN' TARGIT IS MORE DIFFICULT TO +'IT."] + + * * * * * + +THE OLD FORMULA. + +Private Brown lay upon his pillows thoughtfully sucking the new pencil +given him by his mate in the next bed. Propped against the cradle that +covered his shattered knee was a pad, to which a sheet of paper had +been fixed, and he was about to write a letter to his wife. + +It was plainly to be an effort, for apart from the fact that he was +never a scholar there was the added uncertainty of his long disused +right hand to be reckoned with; but at last he grasped the pencil with +all the firmness he could muster and began:-- + +"DEAR WIFE,--I got your letter about Jim he ought to gone long ago, +shirking I calls it. This hospital is very nice and when you come down +from London youll see all the flowers and the gramophone which is a +fair treat. My wounds is slow and I often gets cramp." + +No sooner was the fatal word written than the fingers of his right +hand began to stiffen, the pencil fell upon the bed, then rolled +dejectedly to the floor, where the writer said it might stay for +all he cared. + +"You must let me finish the letter," said I, when his hand had been +rubbed and tucked away in a warm mitten. + +"Thank you, Miss; I was getting on nicely, and there's not much more +to say," he returned ruefully, scanning the wavering lines before him. + +"Well, shall I go on for a bit and let you wind up," said I, +unscrewing my pen and taking the pad on my knee. + +"Me telling you what to put like?" he asked with a look of pleased +relief. + +"That's it. Just say what you would write down yourself." + +He cleared his throat. + +"DEAR WIFE," he resumed, "the wounds is ... awful, not letting me +write at all. The one in my back is as long as your arm, and they says +it will heal quicker than the one in my knee, which has two tubes in +which they squirts strong-smelling stuff through. The foot is a pretty +sight, as big as half a melon, and I doubts ever being able to put it +to the ground again, though they says I shall. I gets very stiff at +nights and the pain sometimes is cruel, but they gives me a prick with +the morphia needle then which makes me dream something beautiful...." + +There was a pause while he indulged in a smiling reverie. + +"Perhaps we have said enough about your pains," I ventured, when, +returning from his visions, he puckered his brows in fresh thought. +"Your wife might be frightened if--" + +"Not her," he interrupted proudly. "She's a rare good nurse herself, +and it would take more than that to turn _her_ up." + +I shook my pen; he shifted his head a little and continued:-- + +"DEAR WIFE,--If you could see my shoulder dressed of a morning you +would laugh. They cuts out little pieces of lint like a picture puzzle +to fit the places, and I've got a regular map of Blighty all down my +arm; but that's not so bad as my back, which I cannot see and which +the wound is as long--" + +I blotted the sheet and turned over, and Private Brown eyed the space +left for further cheerful communications. + +"Shall I leave this for you to finish?" I suggested, thinking of +tender messages difficult to dictate. "Your fingers may be better +after tea, or perhaps to-morrow morning." + +"That's all right, Miss. There's nothing more to put except my name, +if you'll just say, "Good-bye, dear wife, hoping this finds you well +as it leaves me at present." + + * * * * * + +FAIR WARNING. + + "A POPULAR CONCERT WILL BE HELL IN THE PORTEOUS HALL, On + Friday, 2nd November."--_Scotch Paper_. + + * * * * * + +CURRAGH MEETING. + + Judea . . . . . . . . . . . E.M. Quirke 1 + Elfterion . . . . . . . . . . . M. Wing 2 + Tut Ttlddddddrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr aY + Tut Tut . . . . . . . . . . . . J. Dines 3 + + _Provincial Paper_. + + From which it is to be inferred + The angry printer backed the third. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WELL, UPON MY WORD! AFTER ALL THE TROUBLE I HAD TO GET +A QUARTER OF A POUND OF BUTTER, THE COOK'S SENT UP MARGARINE. I SHOULD +HATE THE MAIDS TO GO SHORT, BUT I _DO_ THINK WE OUGHT TO _SHARE_ +THINGS."] + + * * * * * + +THE ULTIMATE OUTRAGE. + + I had a favourite shirt for many moons, + Soft, silken, soothing and of tenderest tone, + Gossamer-light withal. The Subs., my peers, + Envied the garment, ransacking the land + To find a shirt its equal--all in vain. + For, when we tired of shooting at the Hun + And other Batteries clamoured for their share + And we resigned positions at the front + To dally for a space behind the line, + To shed my war-worn vesture I was wont-- + The G.S. boots, the puttees and the pants + That mock at cut and mar the neatest leg, + The battle-jacket with its elbows patched + And bands of leather, round its hard-used cuffs, + And, worst of all, the fuggy flannel shirt, + Rough and uncouth, that suffocates the soul; + And in their stead I donned habiliments + Cadets might dream of--serges with a waist, + And breeches cut by Blank (you know the man, + Or dare not say you don't), long lustrous boots, + And gloves canary-hued, bright primrose ties + Undimmed by shadows of Sir FRANCIS LLOYD-- + And, like a happy mood, I wore the shirt. + It was a woven breeze, a melody + Constrained by seams from melting in the air, + A summer perfume tethered to a stud, + The cool of evening cut to lit my form-- + And I shall wear it now no more, no more! + + There came a day we took it to be washed, + I and my batman, after due debate. + A little cottage stood hard by the road + Whose one small window said, in manuscript, + "Wasching for soldiers and for officers," + And there we left my shirt with anxious fears + And fond injunctions to the Belgian dame. + So it was washed. I marked it as I passed + Waving svelte arms beneath the kindly sun + As if it semaphored to its own shade + That answered from the grass. I saw it fill + And plunge against its bonds--methought it yearned + To join its tameless kin, the airy clouds. + And as I saw it so, I sang aloud, + "To-morrow I shall wear thee! Haste, O Time!" + Fond, futile dream! That very afternoon, + Her washing taken in and folded up + (My shirt, my shirt I mourn for, with the rest), + The frugal creature locked and left her cot + To cut a cabbage from a neighbour's field. + Then, without warning, from the empurpled sky, + Swift with grim dreadful purpose, swooped a shell + (Perishing Percy was the name he bore + Amongst, the irreverent soldiery), ah me! + And where the cottage stood there gaped a gulf; + The jewel and the casket vanished both. + + * * * * * + + Were there no other humble homes but that + For the vile Hun to fire at? Did some spy, + In bitter jealousy, betray my shirt? + What boots it to lament? The shirt is gone. + It was not meant for such an one as I, + A plain rough gunner with one only pip. + No doubt 'twas destined for some lofty soul + Who in a deck-chair lolls, and marks the map + And says, "Push here," while I and all my kind + Scrabble and slaughter in the appointed slough. + But I, presumptuous, wore it, till the gods + Called for my laundry with a thunderbolt. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HOW TO LOSE THE WAR AT HOME.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, October 22nd._--The fact that a couple of German raiders +contrived to slip through the North Sea patrol the other night was +made the excuse for an attack upon the Admiralty. Sir Eric Geddes came +down specially to assure the House that if it viewed things "in the +right perspective" it would realise that such isolated incidents were +unavoidable. Members generally were convinced, I think, by the sight +of the First Lord's bulldog jaw, even more than by his words, that the +Navy would not loose its grip on the enemy's throat. + +If "darkness and composure" are, as we have been told, the best +antidotes to an air-raid, where would you be more likely to find +them than in a CAVE? The HOME SECRETARY'S explanation did not, of +course, satisfy "P.B."--initials now standing for "Pull Baker"--who, +in a voice of extra raucosity, caused by his _al-fresco_ oratory +in East Islington, demanded that protection should be afforded +to--ballot-boxes. But he and Mr. JOYNSON-HICKS and Mr. DILLON--whose +sudden solicitude for the inhabitants of London was gently chaffed +by Mr. CHAMBERLAIN--were deservedly trounced by Mr. BONAR LAW, who +declared that if their craven squealings were typical he should +despair of victory. + +Who says that the removal of the grille has had no effect upon +politics? Exposed to the unimpeded gaze of the ladies in the Gallery +the House decided with great promptitude that the female voter should +not be called upon to state her exact age, but need only furnish a +statutory declaration that she was over thirty. + +_Tuesday, October 23rd._--So far as I know, the duties of a Junior +Lord of the Treasury have never been exactly defined. Apparently +those of Mr. PRATT include the compilation of a "London Letter," to +be sent to certain favoured newspapers. In one of them he appears to +have stated that Mr. ASQUITH'S condition of health was so precarious +that there was little likelihood of his resuming an active part in +politics. It was pleasant, therefore, to see the ex-Premier in his +place again, and able to contribute to the Irish debate a speech +showing no conspicuous failure either of intellect or verbal felicity. + +[Illustration: _Mr. Duke_. "HERE, I SAY--" + +_Mr. Redmond_. "SURE AN' I'M SORRY, BUT THE GINTLEMAN BEHIND PUSHED +ME."] + +Both Mr. REDMOND and Mr. DUKE had drawn a very gloomy picture of +present-day Ireland--the former, of course, attributing it entirely +to the ineptitudes of the "Castle," and being careful to say little +or nothing to hurt the feelings of the Sinn Feiners, while the latter +ascribed it to the rebellious speeches and actions of Mr. DE VALERA +and the other hillside orators whom for some inscrutable reason he +leaves at large. + +I hope Mr. ASQUITH was justified in assuming that the Sinn Fein +excesses were only an expression of the "rhetorical and contingent +belligerency" always present in Ireland, and that in spite of them the +Convention would make all things right. + +Meanwhile the Sinn Feiners have refused to take part in it. And not a +single Nationalist Member dared to denounce them to-night. Mr. T.M. +HEALY even gave them his blessing, for whatever that may be worth. + +_Wednesday, October 24_.--The strange case of Mrs. BESANT and Mr. +MONTAGU was brought before the Upper House by Lord SYDENHAM, who hoped +the Government were not going to make concessions to the noisy people +who wanted to set up a little oligarchy in India. The speeches of +Lord ISLINGTON and Lord CURZON did not entirely remove the impression +that the Government are a little afraid of Mrs. BESANT and her power +of "creating an atmosphere" by the emission of "hot air." Apparently +there is room for only one orator in India at a time, for it was +expressly stated that Mr. MONTAGU, who got back into office shortly +after the delivery of what Lord LANSDOWNE characterised as an +"intemperate" speech on Indian affairs, has given an undertaking not +to make any speech at all during his progress through the Peninsula. + +_Thursday, October 25th_.--Irish Members have first cut at the +Question-time cake on Thursdays, and employ their opportunity to +advertise their national grievances. Mr. O'LEARY, for example, drew +a moving picture of a poor old man occupying a single room, and +dependent for his subsistence on the grazing of a hypothetical cow; he +had been refused a pension by a hard-hearted Board. Translated into +prosaic English by the CHIEF SECRETARY it resolved itself into the +case of a farmer who had deliberately divested himself of his property +in the hope of "wangling" five shillings a week out of the Treasury. + +According to Mr. BYRNE the Lord Mayor of DUBLIN has been grossly +insulted by a high Irish official, who must be made to apologise or +resign. Again Mr. DUKE was unreceptive. He had seen the LORD MAYOR, +who disclaimed any responsibility for his self-constituted champion. +Mr. BYRNE should now be known as "the cuckoo in the mare's nest." + +An attack upon the Petroleum Royalties was led by Mr. ADAMSON, the +new Chairman of the Labour Party, who was cordially congratulated by +the COLONIAL SECRETARY on his appointment. Mr. LONG might have been a +shade less enthusiastic if he had foreseen the sequel. His assurance +that there was "nothing behind the Bill" was only too true. There was +not even a majority behind it; for the hostile amendment was carried +by 44 votes to 35, and the LLOYD GEORGE Administration sustained its +first defeat. "Nasty slippery stuff, oil," muttered the Government +Whip. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE UNSEEN HAND. + +_Bill_. "A FELLER IN THIS HERE PAPER SAYS AS WE AIN'T FIGHTING THE +GERMAN PEOPLE." + +_Gus_. "INDEED! DOES THE BLINKIN' IDIOT SAY WHO WE'VE BEEN UP AGAINST +ALL THIS TIME?"] + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, at once, three Slack Carters; constant + employment."--_Lancaster Observer_. + +We fear that intending applicants may be put off by the conditions. + + * * * * * + + "WHERE MY CARAVAN HAS RESTED--in A flat."--_Advt. in Provincial + Paper_. + +And, in the recent weather, a very good place for it. + + * * * * * + +WAR-TIME TAGS FROM "JULIUS CAESAR." + +A "TAKE COVER" CONSTABLE TO A "SPECIAL." + + "I'll about, + And drive away the vulgar from the streets; + So do you too, where you perceive them thick."--_Act I. Sc. 1_. + +A WISE MAN. + + "Good night, then, Casca: this disturbed sky + Is not to walk in."--_Act I. Sc. 3_. + +A RASH MAN. + + "For my part, I have walked about the streets... + Even in the aim and very flash of it."--_Act I. Sc. 3_. + +TO A MUNITION STRIKER. + + "But wherefore art not in thy shop to-day?"--_Act I. Sc. 1_. + +TO A LADY CLERK. + + "Is this a holiday? + What dost thou with thy best apparel on?"--_Act I. Sc. 1_. + +TO LORD RHONDDA +(_with a whear and potato war-loaf_). + + "Till then, my noble friend, chew upon this."--_Act I. Sc. 2_. + + * * * * * + +THE TRANSLATOR SEES THROUGH IT. + +Announcement by a French publisher:-- + + "Vient de paraitre:--'M. Britling commence a voir clair.'" + + * * * * * + + "MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS. + + A Large Quantity of Old Bricks for Sale."--_Dublin Evening + Herald_. + +Do not shoot the pianist. Throw a brick at him instead. + + * * * * * + +Regarding a certain judge:-- + + "Hence so many reversals by the Court of Appeal that suitors + were often more uneasy if they lost their case before him than + if they won it."--_Irish Times_. + +We assume that they were Irishmen. + + * * * * * + + "Elderly Lady Requires Post, as companion, Secretary or any + position of trust, would keep clergyman's wife in Parish, + etc."--_Church Family Newspaper_. + +But the difficulty with the parson's wife in some parishes, we are +told, is just the reverse of this. + + * * * * * + + "Duck and drake (wild) wanted; must be tame."--_Scotsman_. + +We dislike this frivolity in a serious paper. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR YOUNG VETERANS. + +_Grandfather_. "JUST HAD A TOPPING BIT OF NEWS, OLD DEAR. GERALD'S +WANGLED THE D.S.O." + +_Granny_. "ABSOLUTELY _PRICELESS_, OLD THING. ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT +CHILD WAS _SOME_ NIB."] + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +Albert Edward and I are on detachment just now. I can't mention what +job we are on because HINDENBURG is listening. He watches every move +made by Albert Edward and me and disposes his forces accordingly. Now +and again he forestalls us, now and again he don't. On the former +occasions he rings up LUDENDORFF, and they make a night of it with +beer and song; on the latter he pushes the bell violently for the old +German god. + +The spot Albert Edward and I inhabit just now is very interesting; +things happen all round us. There is a tame balloon tied by a string +to the back garden, an ammunition column on either flank and an +infantry battalion camped in front. Aeroplanes buzz overhead in flocks +and there is a regular tank service past the door. One way and another +our present location fairly teems with life; Albert Edward says it +reminds him of London. To heighten the similarity we get bombed every +night. + +Promptly after Mess the song of the bomb-bird is heard. The +searchlights stab and slash about the sky like tin swords in a stage +duel; presently they pick up the bomb-bird--a glittering flake of +tinsel--and the racket begins. Archibalds pop, machine guns chatter, +rifles crack, and here and there some optimistic sportsman browns the +Milky Way with a revolver. As Sir I. NEWTON'S law of gravity is still +in force and all that goes up must come down again, it is advisable to +wear a parasol on one's walks abroad. + +In view of the heavy lead-fall Albert Edward and I decided to have a +dug-out. We dug down six inches and struck water in massed formation. +I poked a finger into the water and licked it. "Tastes odd," said I, +"brackish or salt or something." + +"We've uncorked the blooming Atlantic, that's what," said Albert +Edward; "cork it up again quickly or it'll bob up and swamp us." That +done, we looked about for something that would stand digging into. The +only thing we could find was a molehill, so we delved our way into +that. We are residing in it now, Albert Edward, Maurice and I. We have +called it "_Mon Repos_," and stuck up a notice saying we are inside, +otherwise visitors would walk over it and miss us. + +The chief drawback to "_Mon Repos_" is Maurice. Maurice is the +proprietor by priority, a mole by nature. Our advent has more or less +driven him into the hinterland of his home and he is most unpleasant +about it. He sits in the basement and sulks by day, issuing at night +to scrabble about among our boots, falling over things and keeping us +awake. If we say "Boo! Shoo!" or any harsh word to him he doubles +up the backstairs to the attic and kicks earth over our faces at +three-minute intervals all night. + +Albert Edward says he is annoyed about the rent, but I call that +absurd. Maurice is perfectly aware that there is a war on, and to +demand rent from soldiers who are defending his molehill with their +lives is the most ridiculous proposition I ever heard of. As I said +before, the situation is most unpleasant, but I don't see what we can +do about it, for digging out Maurice means digging down "_Mon Repos_," +and there's no sense in that. Albert Edward had a theory that the +mole is a carnivorous animal, so he smeared a worm with carbolic +tooth-paste and left it lying about. It lay about for days. Albert now +admits his theory was wrong; the mole is a vegetarian, he says; he was +confusing it with trout. He is in the throes of inventing an explosive +potato for Maurice on the lines of a percussion grenade, but in the +meanwhile that gentleman remains in complete mastery of the situation. + +The balloon attached to our back garden is very tame. Every morning +its keepers lead it forth from its abode by strings, tie it to a +longer string and let it go. All day it remains aloft, tugging gently +at its leash and keeping an eye on the War. In the evening the keepers +appear once more, haul it down and lead it home for the night. It +reminds me for all the world of a huge docile elephant being bossed +about by the mahout's infant family. I always feel like giving the +gentle creature a bun. + +Now and again the Bosch birds come over disguised as clouds and spit +mouthfuls of red-hot tracer-bullets at it, and then the observers hop +out. One of them "hopped out" into my horse-lines last week. That is +to say his parachute caught in a tree and he hung swinging, like a +giant pendulum, over my horses' backs until we lifted him down. He +came into "_Mon Repos_" to have bits of tree picked out of him. This +was the sixth plunge overboard he had done in ten days, he told us. +Sometimes he plunged into the most embarrassing situations. On one +occasion he dropped clean through a bivouac roof into a hot bath +containing a Lieutenant-Colonel, who punched him with a sponge and +threw soap at him. On another he came fluttering down from the blue +into the midst of a labour company of Chinese coolies, who immediately +fell on their faces, worshipping him as some heavenly being, and later +cut off all his buttons as holy relics. An eventful life. + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +A PRECOCIOUS INFANT. + + "Will any kind lady adopt nice healthy baby girl, 6 weeks old, + good parentage; seen London."--_Times_. + + * * * * * + + "The King has given L100 to the Victoria Station free buffet + for sailors and soldiers."--_The Times_. + +In the days of RICHARD I. it was a commoner who furnished the King in +this respect. _Vide_ Sir WALTER SCOTT'S _Ivanhoe_, vol. ii., chap. +9: "Truly, friend," said the Friar, clenching his huge fist, "I will +bestow a buffet on thee." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Prisoner_ (_on his dignity_). "BUT YOU VOS NOT KNOW +VOT I AM. I AM A SERGEANT-MAJOR IN DER PRUSSIAN GUARD." + +_Tommy_. "WELL, WOT ABAHT IT? I'M A PRIVATE IN THE WEST KENTS."] + + * * * * * + +RHYMES OF THE TIMES. + + There was an old man with otitis + Who was told it was chronic arthritis; + On the sixth operation, + Without hesitation + They said that he died of phlebitis. + + A school just assembled for Prep. + Were warned of an imminent Zepp, + But they said, "What a lark! + Now we're all in the dark + So we shan't have to learn any Rep." + + Mr. BREX, with the forename of TWELLS, + Against all the bishops rebels, + And so fiercely upbraids + Their remarks on air-raids + That he rouses the envy of WELLS. + + The American miracle, FORD, + By pacificists once was adored; + Now their fury he raises + By winning the praises + Of England's great super-war-lord. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted--a Pair of Lady's Riding Boots, black or brown, size of + foot 4, diam. of calf 14 inches."--_Statesman_ (_Calcutta_). + +Great Diana! + + * * * * * + + "WANTED--Late Model, 5-passenger McLaughlin, Hudson, Paige, or + Cadillac car, in exchange for 5-crypt family de luxe section, + value $1,500, in Forest Lawn, Mausoleum."--_Toronto Daily Star_. + +With some difficulty we refrain from reviving the old joke about the +quick and the dead. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW MRS. MARKHAM. + +III. + +CONVERSATION ON CHAPTER LXX. + +_Mary_. Do tell us something more, Mamma, about the Great Rebellion +and how it began. + +_Mrs. M_. Well, my dear, you must know that in the previous reign it +had been the fashion for middle-aged and elderly people to behave +and dress as if they were still juvenile. Mothers neglected their +daughters and went to balls and theatres every night, where they were +conspicuous for their extravagant attire and strange conversation. +They would not allow their daughters to smoke, or, if they did, +provided them with the cheapest cigarettes. Fathers of even advanced +years wore knickerbocker suits on all occasions and spent most of +their time playing a game called golf. This at last provoked a violent +reaction, and the Great Rebellion was the consequence. Although there +was no bloodshed many distressing scenes were enacted and something +like a Reign of Terror prevailed for several years. + +_Richard_. Oh, Mamma, please go on! + +_Mrs. M_. Parents trembled at the sight of their children, and +fathers, even when they were sixty years old, stood bareheaded before +their sons and did not dare to speak without permission. Mothers never +sat down in the presence of their grown-up daughters, but stood in +respectful silence at the further end of the room, and were only +allowed to smoke in the kitchen. + +_George_. That cannot have been very good for the cooking. + +_Mrs. M_. The daughters of the family were seldom educated at home, +and when they returned to their father's roof their parents were only +admitted into the presence of their children during short and stated +periods. + +_Mary_. And when did the English begin to grow kinder to their +parents? + +_Mrs. M_. I really cannot say. Perhaps a climax was reached in the +Baby Suffrage Act; but after that matters began to improve, and the +Married Persons Amusements Act showed a more tolerant spirit towards +the elderly. But even so lately as when my mother was a child young +people were often exceedingly harsh with their parents, and she has +told me how on one occasion she locked up her mother for several hours +in the coal-cellar for playing a mouth-organ in the bathroom without +permission. + +_Richard._ Pray, Mamma, did the English speak Irish then, as they do +now? + +_Mrs. M_. Compulsory Irish was introduced under ALFRED as a concession +to Ireland for the services rendered by that kingdom to art and +literature and the neutrality which it observed during England's wars. +There was a certain amount of opposition, but it was soon overcome +by ALFRED'S wisely insisting on the newspapers being printed in both +languages. Since then the variations in dialect and pronunciation +which prevailed in different districts of England have largely +disappeared, and from Land's End to John o' Groat's the bilingual +system is now securely established, though my mother told me that as a +child she once met an old man in Northumberland who could only speak a +few words of Irish, and had been deprived of his vote in consequence. + +_Richard_. What were the Thirty-Nine Articles? I don't think I ever +heard of them before. + +_Mrs. M_. When you are of a proper age to understand them they shall +be explained to you. They contained the doctrines of the Church of +England, but were abolished by Archbishop WELLS, who substituted +seventy-eight of his own. But as Mary is looking tired I will now +conclude our conversation. + + * * * * * + +THE MOTH PERIL. + + ["Fruit growers are warned to be on their guard against + the wingless moth, for lime-washing the trees is almost + useless."--_Evening Paper_.] + +If the brute ignores the notice, "Keep off the trees," order him away +in a sharp voice. + +Sulphuric acid is a most deadly antidote; but only the best should be +used. If the moth be held over the bottle for ten minutes it will show +signs of collapse and offer to go quietly. + +This pest abhors heat. A good plan is to heat the garden-roller in the +kitchen fire to a white heat and push it up the tree. + +A gramophone in full song, is also useful. After a few minutes the +moth will come out of its dug-out with an abstracted expression on its +face, and commit suicide by jumping into the mouth of the trumpet. + + * * * * * + +A COMFORTING THOUGHT FOR USE ON WAR-TIME RAILWAYS. + + "To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive."--R.L. + STEVENSON. + + * * * * * + +From a parish magazine:-- + + "I know 'the war' still continues but these do not explain + everything. The large water tank at the schools is for sale--price + L5 10s. The sermons and as far as possible the music and hymns on + 21st (Trafalgar Day) will bear on the work of our incomparable + Navy." + +It is believed in the village that the parson is suffering from a rush +of Jumble Sales to the head. + + * * * * * + +HERBS OF GRACE. + +SWEET WOODRUFF. + +VII. + + Not for the world that we know, + But the lovelier world that we dream of + Dost thou, Sweet Woodruff, grow; + Not of this world is the theme of + The scent diffused + From thy bright leaves bruised; + Not in this world hast thou part or lot, + Save to tell of the dream one, forgot, forgot. + + Sweet Woodruff, thine is the scent + Of a world that was wise and lowly, + Singing with sane content, + Simple and clean and holy, + Merry and kind + As an April wind, + Happier far for the dawn's good gold + Than the chinking chaffer-stuff hard and cold. + + Thine is the odour of praise + In the loved little country churches; + Thine are the ancient ways + Which the new Gold Age besmirches; + Cordials, wine + And posies are thine, + The adze-cut beams with thy bunches fraught, + And the kist-laid linen by maidens wrought. + + Clean bodies, kind hearts, sweet souls, + Delight and delighted endeavour, + A spirit that chants and trolls, + A world that doth ne'er dissever + The body's hire + And the heart's desire; + Ah, bright leaves bruised and brown leaves dry, + Odours that bid this world go by. + + W.B. + + * * * * * + + "Once or twice Mr. Dickens has taken the place of circuit judge + when the King's Bench roll has been repleted."--_Evening Paper_. + +This, of course, was before the War. Our judges never over-eat +themselves nowadays. + + * * * * * + +From a list of current prices:-- + + "Brazil nuts 1s. 2d., Barcelona nuts 10d. per lb.; demons + 11/2d."--_Derbyshire Advertiser_. + +No mention being made of the place of origin of the last-named, it +looks very much as if there had been some trading with the enemy. + + * * * * * + +What America says to-day-- + + "Feminist circles are greatly interested in the announcement made + by Dr. Sargeant, of Harvard University, that women make as good + soldiers as men."--_Sunday Pictorial_. + +Canada does to-morrow-- + + "The Canadian Government has issued a proclamation calling up ... + childless widows between the ages of 20 and 34 comprised in Class + 1 of the Military Service Act."--_Yorkshire Evening Paper_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mike (in bath-chair)_. "DID YE SAY WE'LL BE TURNING +BACK, DENNIS? SURE THE EXERCISE WILL BE DOING US GOOD IF WE GO A BIT +FURTHER."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +The numerous members of the public who like to take their printer's +ink with something more than a grain of sea-salt will welcome +_Sea-Spray and Spindrift_ (PEARSON), by their tried and trusted +friend, TAFFRAIL, the creator of _Pincher Martin, O.D._ TAFFRAIL, it +must be admitted, has a dashing briny way with him. He doesn't wait to +describe sunsets and storm-clouds, but plunges at once into the thick +of things. Consequently his stories go with a swing and a rush, for +which the reader is duly grateful--that is, if he is a discerning +reader. Of the present collection most were written some time ago and +have no reference to the War. Such, for instance, is "The Escape of +the _Speedwell_," a capital story of the year 1805, which may serve to +remind us that even in the glorious days of NELSON the English Channel +was not always a healthy place for British shipping. "The Channel," +says TAFFRAIL, "swarmed with the enemy's privateers.... Even the +merchant-ships in the home-coming convoys, protected though they were +by men-of-war, were not safe from capture, while the hostile luggers +would often approach the English coast in broad daylight and harry the +hapless fishing craft within a mile or two of the shore." Yet there +does not appear to have been a panic, nor was anyone's blood demanded. +_Autres temps autres moeurs_. In "The Gun-Runners" the author +describes a shady enterprise undertaken successfully by a British +crew; but nothing comes amiss to TAFFRAIL, and he does it with equal +zest. "The Inner Patrol" and "The Luck of the Tavy" more than redress +the balance to the side of virtue and sound warfare. Both stories are +excellent. + + * * * * * + +Among the minor results following the entry of America into the War +has been the release from bondage of several diplomatic pens, whose +owners would, under less happy circumstances, have been prevented from +telling the world many stories of great interest. Here, for example, +is the late Special Agent and Minister Plenipotentiary of the United +States, Mr. LEWIS EINSTEIN, writing of his experiences _Inside +Constantinople, April-September, 1915_ (MURRAY). This is a diary +kept by the Minister during the period covered by the Dardanelles +Expedition. As such you will hardly expect it to be agreeable reading, +but its tragic interest is undeniable. Mr. EINSTEIN, as a sympathetic +neutral, saw everything, and his comments are entirely outspoken. We +know the Dardanelles story well enough by now from our own side; here +for the first time one may see in full detail just how near it came +to victory. It is a history of chances neglected, of adverse fate and +heroism frustrated, such as no Englishman can read unmoved. But the +book has also a further value in the light it throws upon the Armenian +massacres and the complicity of Germany therein. "Though in later +years German officialdom may seek to disclaim responsibility, the +broad fact remains of German military direction at Constantinople ... +during the brief period in which took place the virtual extermination +of the Armenian race in Asia Minor." It is one more stain upon a +dishonoured shield, not to be forgotten in the final reckoning. + + * * * * * + +I never met a story more aptly named than Mrs. BELLOC LOWNDES' _Love +and Hatred_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL). _Oliver Tropenell_ worshipped _Laura +Pavely_, who returned this attachment, despite the fact that she was +already married to _Godfrey_. _Godfrey_, for his part, loved _Katty +Winslow_, a young widow, who flirted equally with him, with _Oliver_, +and with _Laura's_ undesirable brother, _Gilbert_. So much for the +tender passion. As for the other emotion, _Oliver_ naturally hated +_Godfrey_; so did _Gilbert_. _Laura_ also came to share their +sentiment. By the time things had reached this climax the moment was +obviously ripe for the disappearance of the much detested one, in +order that the rest of the tale might keep you guessing which of the +three had (so to speak) belled the cat. Followers of Mrs. LOWNDES +will indeed have been anticipating poor _Godfrey's_ demise for some +time, and may perhaps think that she takes a trifle too long over +her arrangements for the event. They will almost certainly share my +view that the explanation of the mystery is far too involved and +unintelligible. I shall, of course, not anticipate this for you. +It has been said that the works of HOMER were not written by HOMER +himself, but by another man of the same name. This may, or may not, +give you a clue to the murder of _Godfrey Pavely_. I wish the crime +were more worthy of such an artist in creeps as Mrs. LOWNDES has +proved herself to be. + + * * * * * + +The test of the second water, as sellers of tea assure us, provides +proof of a quality for which one must go to the right market. BARONESS +ORCZY has not feared to put her most famous product, _The Scarlet +Pimpernel_, to a similar trial. Whether the result of this renewed +dilution is entirely satisfactory I leave you to judge, but certainly +at least something of the well-known and popular aroma of romantic +artificiality clings about the pages of her latest story, _Lord Tony's +Wife_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), while at the bottom of the cup there is +not a little dash of the old strong flavour. On the other hand, though +it may be that one's appetite grows less lusty, it does seem that +in all the earlier chapters there is some undue proportion of thin +and rather tepid preparation for episodes quite clearly on the way, +so that in the end even the masterly vigour of the much advertised +_Pimpernel_, in full panoply of inane laughter and unguessed disguise, +failed to astound and stagger me as much as I could have wished. _Lord +Tony_ was a healthy young Englishman with no particular qualities +calling for comment, and his wife an equally charming young French +heroine. After having escaped to England from the writer's beloved +Reign of Terror, the lady and her aristo father were comfortably +decoyed back to France by a son of the people whose qualifications for +the post of villain were none too convincing, and there all manner of +unpleasant things were by way of happening to them, when enter the +despairing husband with the dashing scarlet one at his side--_et voila +tout_. The last few chapters come nearly or even quite up to the mark, +but as for most of the rest, I advise you to take them as read. + + * * * * * + +In _A Certain Star_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) Miss PHYLLIS BOTTOME +achieves the difficult feat of treating a love conceived in a +romantic vein without declining upon sentimentality, and seasons her +descriptions, which are shrewdly, sometimes delicately, observed, +with quite a pretty wit. I commend it as a sound, unpretentious, +honestly-written book. _Sir Julian Verny_, a baronet with brains and +a very difficult temper, falls a captive to _Marian's_ proud and +compelling beauty. Then, just before the War flames up, secret service +claims him, and he returns from a dangerous mission irretrievably +crippled. _Marian_ fails him. True, she disdains to be released, but +out of pride not out of love. It is little grey suppressed _Stella_ +(her light has been hidden under the dull bushel of a Town Clerk's +office) who comes into her kingdom and wins back an ultra-sensitive +despairing man to the joy of living and working and the fine humility +of being dependent instead of masterful. There are so many _Julians_ +and there's need of so many _Stellas_ these sad days that it is well +to have such wholesome doctrine stated with so courageous an optimism. + + * * * * * + +There is a sentence on page 149 of _A Castle to Let_ (CASSELL) which, +though not for its style, I feel constrained to quote: "It was a +glorious day, the sunshine poured through the green boughs, and the +moss made cradles in which most people went to sleep with their +novels." Well, given a warm day and a comfortable resting-place, this +book by Mrs. BAILLIE REYNOLDS would do excellently well either to +sleep or keep awake with, according to your mood. The scene of it is +laid in Transylvania, where a rich young Englishwoman took an old +castle for the summer. Incidentally I have learned something about the +inhabitants of Transylvania, but apart from that I know now exactly +what a novel for the holidays should contain. Its ingredients are many +and rather wonderful, but Mrs. REYNOLDS is a deft mixer, and her skill +in managing no fewer than three love affairs without getting them and +you into a tangle is little short of miraculous. Then we are given +plenty of legends, mysteries and dreams, just intriguing enough to +produce an eerie atmosphere, but not sufficiently exciting to cause +palpitations of the heart. Need I add that the tenant of the castle +married the owner of it? As she was both human and sporting, it +worries me to think that she may now be interned. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Patriot Golfer_ (_seeing British aeroplane and not +wanting to take any risks_). "FORE!"] + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +153, October 31, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 153 *** + +***** This file should be named 11491.txt or 11491.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/4/9/11491/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis, and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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