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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Dirty Work, by W.W. Jacobs
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Dirty Work
+       Deep Waters, Part 11.
+
+Author: W.W. Jacobs
+
+Release Date: March 6, 2004 [EBook #11481]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: US-ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DIRTY WORK ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+DEEP WATERS
+
+By W.W. JACOBS
+
+
+
+
+DIRTY WORK
+
+It was nearly high-water, and the night-watchman, who had stepped aboard
+a lighter lying alongside the wharf to smoke a pipe, sat with half-closed
+eyes enjoying the summer evening.  The bustle of the day was over, the
+wharves were deserted, and hardly a craft moved on the river.  Perfumed
+clouds of shag, hovering for a time over the lighter, floated lazily
+towards the Surrey shore.
+
+"There's one thing about my job," said the night-watchman, slowly, "it's
+done all alone by yourself.  There's no foreman a-hollering at you and
+offering you a penny for your thoughts, and no mates to run into you from
+behind with a loaded truck and then ask you why you didn't look where
+you're going to.  From six o'clock in the evening to six o'clock next
+morning I'm my own master."
+
+He rammed down the tobacco with an experienced forefinger and puffed
+contentedly.
+
+People like you 'ud find it lonely (he continued, after a pause); I did
+at fust.  I used to let people come and sit 'ere with me of an evening
+talking, but I got tired of it arter a time, and when one chap fell
+overboard while 'e was showing me 'ow he put his wife's mother in 'er
+place, I gave it up altogether.  There was three foot o' mud in the dock
+at the time, and arter I 'ad got 'im out, he fainted in my arms.
+
+Arter that I kept myself to myself.  Say wot you like, a man's best
+friend is 'imself.  There's nobody else'll do as much for 'im, or let 'im
+off easier when he makes a mistake.  If I felt a bit lonely I used to
+open the wicket in the gate and sit there watching the road, and p'r'aps
+pass a word or two with the policeman.  Then something 'appened one night
+that made me take quite a dislike to it for a time.
+
+I was sitting there with my feet outside, smoking a quiet pipe, when I
+'eard a bit of a noise in the distance.  Then I 'eard people running and
+shouts of "Stop, thief!"  A man came along round the corner full pelt,
+and, just as I got up, dashed through the wicket and ran on to the wharf.
+I was arter 'im like a shot and got up to 'im just in time to see him
+throw something into the dock.  And at the same moment I 'eard the other
+people run past the gate.
+
+"Wot's up?" I ses, collaring 'im.
+
+"Nothing," he ses, breathing 'ard and struggling.  "Let me go."
+
+He was a little wisp of a man, and I shook 'im like a dog shakes a rat.
+I remembered my own pocket being picked, and I nearly shook the breath
+out of 'im.
+
+"And now I'm going to give you in charge," I ses, pushing 'im along
+towards the gate.
+
+"Wot for?" he ses, purtending to be surprised.
+
+"Stealing," I ses.
+
+"You've made a mistake," he ses; "you can search me if you like."
+
+"More use to search the dock," I ses.  "I see you throw it in.  Now you
+keep quiet, else you'll get 'urt.  If you get five years I shall be all
+the more pleased."
+
+I don't know 'ow he did it, but 'e did.  He seemed to sink away between
+my legs, and afore I knew wot was 'appening, I was standing upside down
+with all the blood rushing to my 'ead.  As I rolled over he bolted
+through the wicket, and was off like a flash of lightning.
+
+A couple o' minutes arterwards the people wot I 'ad 'eard run past came
+back agin.  There was a big fat policeman with 'em--a man I'd seen afore
+on the beat--and, when they 'ad gorn on, he stopped to 'ave a word with
+me.
+
+"'Ot work," he ses, taking off his 'elmet and wiping his bald 'ead with a
+large red handkerchief.  "I've lost all my puff."
+
+"Been running?"  I ses, very perlite.
+
+"Arter a pickpocket," he ses.  "He snatched a lady's purse just as she
+was stepping aboard the French boat with her 'usband.  'Twelve pounds in
+it in gold, two peppermint lozenges, and a postage stamp.'"
+
+He shook his 'ead, and put his 'elmet on agin.
+
+"Holding it in her little 'and as usual," he ses.  "Asking for trouble, I
+call it.  I believe if a woman 'ad one hand off and only a finger and
+thumb left on the other, she'd carry 'er purse in it."
+
+He knew a'most as much about wimmen as I do.  When 'is fust wife died,
+she said 'er only wish was that she could take 'im with her, and she made
+'im promise her faithful that 'e'd never marry agin.  His second wife,
+arter a long illness, passed away while he was playing hymns on the
+concertina to her, and 'er mother, arter looking at 'er very hard, went
+to the doctor and said she wanted an inquest.
+
+He went on talking for a long time, but I was busy doing a bit of 'ead-
+work and didn't pay much attention to 'im.  I was thinking o' twelve
+pounds, two lozenges, and a postage stamp laying in the mud at the bottom
+of my dock, and arter a time 'e said 'e see as 'ow I was waiting to get
+back to my night's rest, and went off--stamping.
+
+I locked the wicket when he 'ad gorn away, and then I went to the edge of
+the dock and stood looking down at the spot where the purse 'ad been
+chucked in.  The tide was on the ebb, but there was still a foot or two
+of water atop of the mud.  I walked up and down, thinking.
+
+I thought for a long time, and then I made up my mind.  If I got the
+purse and took it to the police-station, the police would share the money
+out between 'em, and tell me they 'ad given it back to the lady.  If I
+found it and put a notice in the newspaper--which would cost money--very
+likely a dozen or two ladies would come and see me and say it was theirs.
+Then if I gave it to the best-looking one and the one it belonged to
+turned up, there'd be trouble.  My idea was to keep it--for a time--and
+then if the lady who lost it came to me and asked me for it I would give
+it to 'er.
+
+Once I had made up my mind to do wot was right I felt quite 'appy, and
+arter a look up and down, I stepped round to the Bear's Head and 'ad a
+couple o' goes o' rum to keep the cold out.  There was nobody in there
+but the landlord, and 'e started at once talking about the thief, and 'ow
+he 'ad run arter him in 'is shirt-sleeves.
+
+"My opinion is," he ses, "that 'e bolted on one of the wharves and 'id
+'imself.  He disappeared like magic.  Was that little gate o' yours
+open?"
+
+"I was on the wharf," I ses, very cold.
+
+"You might ha' been on the wharf and yet not 'ave seen anybody come on,"
+he ses, nodding.
+
+"Wot d'ye mean?" I ses, very sharp.  "Nothing," he ses.  "Nothing."
+
+"Are you trying to take my character away?"  I ses, fixing 'im with my
+eye.
+
+"Lo' bless me, no!" he ses, staring at me.  "It's no good to me."
+
+He sat down in 'is chair behind the bar and went straight off to sleep
+with his eyes screwed up as tight as they would go.  Then 'e opened
+his mouth and snored till the glasses shook.  I suppose I've been one of
+the best customers he ever 'ad, and that's the way he treated me.  For
+two pins I'd ha' knocked 'is ugly 'ead off, but arter waking him up very
+sudden by dropping my glass on the floor I went off back to the wharf.
+
+I locked up agin, and 'ad another look at the dock.  The water 'ad nearly
+gone and the mud was showing in patches.  My mind went back to a
+sailorman wot had dropped 'is watch over-board two years before, and
+found it by walking about in the dock in 'is bare feet.  He found it more
+easy because the glass broke when he trod on it.
+
+The evening was a trifle chilly for June, but I've been used to roughing
+it all my life, especially when I was afloat, and I went into the office
+and began to take my clothes off.  I took off everything but my pants,
+and I made sure o' them by making braces for 'em out of a bit of string.
+Then I turned the gas low, and, arter slipping on my boots, went outside.
+
+It was so cold that at fust I thought I'd give up the idea.  The longer I
+stood on the edge looking at the mud the colder it looked, but at last I
+turned round and went slowly down the ladder.  I waited a moment at the
+bottom, and was just going to step off when I remembered that I 'ad got
+my boots on, and I 'ad to go up agin and take 'em off.
+
+I went down very slow the next time, and anybody who 'as been down an
+iron ladder with thin, cold rungs, in their bare feet, will know why,
+and I had just dipped my left foot in, when the wharf-bell rang.
+
+I 'oped at fust that it was a runaway-ring, but it kept on, and the
+longer it kept on, the worse it got.  I went up that ladder agin and
+called out that I was coming, and then I went into the office and just
+slipped on my coat and trousers and went to the gate.
+
+"Wot d'you want?" I ses, opening the wicket three or four inches and
+looking out at a man wot was standing there.
+
+"Are you old Bill?"  he ses.
+
+"I'm the watchman," I ses, sharp-like.  "Wot d'you want?"
+
+"Don't bite me!" he ses, purtending to draw back.  "I ain't done no 'arm.
+I've come round about that glass you smashed at the Bear's Head."
+
+"Glass!" I ses, 'ardly able to speak.
+
+"Yes, glass," he ses--"thing wot yer drink out of.  The landlord says
+it'll cost you a tanner, and 'e wants it now in case you pass away in
+your sleep.  He couldn't come 'imself cos he's got nobody to mind the
+bar, so 'e sent me.  Why!  Halloa!  Where's your boots?  Ain't you afraid
+o' ketching cold?"
+
+"You clear off," I ses, shouting at him.  "D'ye 'ear me?  Clear off while
+you're safe, and you tell the landlord that next time 'e insults me I'll
+smash every glass in 'is place and then sit 'im on top of 'cm!  Tell 'im
+if 'e wants a tanner out o' me, to come round 'imself, and see wot he
+gets."
+
+It was a silly thing to say, and I saw it arterwards, but I was in such a
+temper I 'ardly knew wot I was saying.  I slammed the wicket in 'is face
+and turned the key and then I took off my clothes and went down that
+ladder agin.
+
+It seemed colder than ever, and the mud when I got fairly into it was
+worse than I thought it could ha' been.  It stuck to me like glue, and
+every step I took seemed colder than the one before.  'Owever, when I
+make up my mind to do a thing, I do it.  I fixed my eyes on the place
+where I thought the purse was, and every time I felt anything under my
+foot I reached down and picked it up--and then chucked it away as far as
+I could so as not to pick it up agin.  Dirty job it was, too, and in five
+minutes I was mud up to the neck, a'most.  And I 'ad just got to wot I
+thought was the right place, and feeling about very careful, when the
+bell rang agin.
+
+I thought I should ha' gorn out o' my mind.  It was just a little tinkle
+at first, then another tinkle, but, as I stood there all in the dark and
+cold trying to make up my mind to take no notice of it, it began to ring
+like mad.  I 'ad to go--I've known men climb over the gate afore now--and
+I didn't want to be caught in that dock.
+
+The mud seemed stickier than ever, but I got out at last, and, arter
+scraping some of it off with a bit o' stick, I put on my coat and
+trousers and boots just as I was and went to the gate, with the bell
+going its 'ardest all the time.
+
+When I opened the gate and see the landlord of the Bear's Head standing
+there I turned quite dizzy, and there was a noise in my ears like the
+roaring of the sea.  I should think I stood there for a couple o' minutes
+without being able to say a word.  I could think of 'em.
+
+"Don't be frightened, Bill," ses the landlord.  "I'm not going to eat
+you."
+
+"He looks as if he's walking in 'is sleep," ses the fat policeman, wot
+was standing near by.  "Don't startle 'im."
+
+"He always looks like that," ses the landlord.
+
+I stood looking at 'im.  I could speak then, but I couldn't think of any
+words good enough; not with a policeman standing by with a notebook in
+'is pocket.
+
+"Wot was you ringing my bell for?" I ses, at last.
+
+"Why didn't you answer it before?" ses the landlord.  "D'you think I've
+got nothing better to do than to stand ringing your bell for three-
+quarters of an hour?  Some people would report you."
+
+"I know my dooty," I ses; "there's no craft up to-night, and no reason
+for anybody to come to my bell. If I was to open the gate every time a
+parcel of overgrown boys rang my bell I should 'ave enough to do."
+
+"Well, I'll overlook it this time, seeing as you're an old man and
+couldn't get another sleeping-in job," he ses, looking at the policeman
+for him to see 'ow clever 'e was.  "Wot about that tanner?  That's wot
+I've come for."
+
+"You be off," I ses, starting to shut the wicket.  "You won't get no
+tanner out of me."
+
+"All right," he ses, "I shall stand here and go on ringing the bell till
+you pay up, that's all."
+
+He gave it another tug, and the policeman instead of locking 'im up for
+it stood there laughing.
+
+I gave 'im the tanner.  It was no use standing there arguing over a
+tanner, with a purse of twelve quid waiting for me in the dock, but I
+told 'im wot people thought of 'im.
+
+"Arf a second, watchman," ses the policeman, as I started to shut the
+wicket agin.  "You didn't see anything of that pickpocket, did you?"
+
+"I did not," I ses.
+
+"'Cos this gentleman thought he might 'ave come in here," ses the
+policeman.
+
+"'Ow could he 'ave come in here without me knowing it?"  I ses, firing
+up.
+
+"Easy," ses the landlord, "and stole your boots into the bargain"
+
+"He might 'ave come when your back was turned," ses the policeman, "and
+if so, he might be 'iding there now.  I wonder whether you'd mind me
+having a look round?"
+
+"I tell you he ain't 'ere," I ses, very short, "but, to ease your mind,
+I'll 'ave a look round myself arter you've gorn."
+
+The policeman shook his 'ead.  "Well, o' course, I can't come in without
+your permission," he ses, with a little cough, "but I 'ave an idea, that
+if it was your guv'nor 'ere instead of you he'd ha' been on'y too pleased
+to do anything 'e could to help the law.  I'll beg his pardon tomorrow
+for asking you, in case he might object."
+
+That settled it.  That's the police all over, and that's 'ow they get
+their way and do as they like.  I could see 'im in my mind's eye talking
+to the guv'nor, and letting out little things about broken glasses and
+such-like by accident.  I drew back to let 'im pass, and I was so upset
+that when that little rat of a landlord follered 'im I didn't say a word.
+
+I stood and watched them poking and prying about the wharf as if it
+belonged to 'em, with the light from the policeman's lantern flashing
+about all over the place.  I was shivering with cold and temper.  The mud
+was drying on me.
+
+"If you've finished 'unting for the pickpocket I'll let you out and get
+on with my work," I ses, drawing myself up.
+
+"Good night," ses the policeman, moving off.  "Good night, dear," ses the
+landlord.  "Mind you tuck yourself up warm."
+
+I lost my temper for the moment and afore I knew wot I was doing I 'ad
+got hold of him and was shoving 'im towards the gate as 'ard as I could
+shove.  He pretty near got my coat off in the struggle, and next moment
+the police-man 'ad turned his lantern on me and they was both staring at
+me as if they couldn't believe their eyesight.
+
+"He--he's turning black!" ses the landlord.
+
+"He's turned black!" ses the policeman.
+
+They both stood there looking at me with their mouths open, and then
+afore I knew wot he was up to, the policeman came close up to me and
+scratched my chest with his finger-nail.
+
+"It's mud!" he ses.
+
+"You keep your nails to yourself," I ses.  "It's nothing to do with you."
+and I couldn't 'elp noticing the smell of it.  Nobody could.  And wot was
+worse than all was, that the tide 'ad turned and was creeping over the
+mud in the dock.
+
+They got tired of it at last and came back to where I was and stood there
+shaking their 'eads at me.
+
+"If he was on the wharf 'e must 'ave made his escape while you was in the
+Bear's Head," ses the policeman.
+
+"He was in my place a long time," ses the landlord.
+
+"Well, it's no use crying over spilt milk," ses the policeman.  "Funny
+smell about 'ere, ain't there?"  he ses, sniffing, and turning to the
+landlord.  "Wot is it?"
+
+"I dunno," ses the landlord.  "I noticed it while we was talking to 'im
+at the gate.  It seems to foller 'im about."
+
+"I've smelt things I like better," ses the policeman, sniffing agin.
+"It's just like the foreshore when somebody 'as been stirring the mud up
+a bit."
+
+"Unless it's a case of 'tempted suicide," he ses, looking at me very
+'ard.
+
+"Ah!" ses the landlord.
+
+"There's no mud on 'is clothes," ses the policeman, looking me over with
+his lantern agin.
+
+"He must 'ave gone in naked, but I should like to see 'is legs to make--
+All right!  All right!  Keep your 'air on."
+
+"You look arter your own legs, then," I ses, very sharp, "and mind your
+own business."
+
+"It is my business," he ses, turning to the landlord.  "Was 'e strange in
+his manner at all when 'e was in your place to-night?"
+
+"He smashed one o' my best glasses," ses the landlord.
+
+"So he did," ses the policeman.  "So he did.  I'd forgot that.  Do you
+know 'im well?"
+
+"Not more than I can 'elp," ses the landlord.  "He's been in my place a
+good bit, but I never knew of any reason why 'e should try and do away
+with 'imself.  If he's been disappointed in love, he ain't told me
+anything about it."
+
+I suppose that couple o' fools 'ud 'ave stood there talking about me all
+night if I'd ha' let 'em, but I had about enough of it.
+
+"Look 'ere," I ses, "you're very clever, both of you, but you needn't
+worry your 'eads about me.  I've just been having a mud-bath, that's
+all."
+
+"A mud-bath!"  ses both of 'em, squeaking like a couple o' silly parrots.
+
+"For rheumatics," I ses.  "I 'ad it some-thing cruel to-night, and I
+thought that p'r'aps the mud 'ud do it good.  I read about it in the
+papers.  There's places where you pay pounds and pounds for 'em, but,
+being a pore man, I 'ad to 'ave mine on the cheap."
+
+The policeman stood there looking at me for a moment, and then 'e began
+to laugh till he couldn't stop 'imself.
+
+"Love-a-duck!" he ses, at last, wiping his eyes.  "I wish I'd seen it."
+
+"Must ha' looked like a fat mermaid," ses the landlord, wagging his silly
+'ead at me.  "I can just see old Bill sitting in the mud a-combing his
+'air and singing."
+
+They 'ad some more talk o' that sort, just to show each other 'ow funny
+they was, but they went off at last, and I fastened up the gate and went
+into the office to clean myself up as well as I could.  One comfort was
+they 'adn't got the least idea of wot I was arter, and I 'ad a fancy that
+the one as laughed last would be the one as got that twelve quid.
+
+I was so tired that I slept nearly all day arter I 'ad got 'ome, and I
+'ad no sooner got back to the wharf in the evening than I see that the
+landlord 'ad been busy.  If there was one silly fool that asked me the
+best way of making mud-pies, I should think there was fifty.  Little
+things please little minds, and the silly way some of 'em went on made me
+feel sorry for my sects.
+
+By eight o'clock, 'owever, they 'ad all sheered off, and I got a broom
+and began to sweep up to 'elp pass the time away until low-water.  On'y
+one craft 'ad come up that day--a ketch called the Peewit--and as she was
+berthed at the end of the jetty she wasn't in my way at all.
+
+Her skipper came on to the wharf just afore ten.  Fat, silly old man 'e
+was, named Fogg.  Always talking about 'is 'ealth and taking medicine to
+do it good.  He came up to me slow like, and, when 'e stopped and asked
+me about the rheumatics, the broom shook in my 'and.
+
+"Look here," I ses, "if you want to be funny, go and be funny with them
+as likes it.  I'm fair sick of it, so I give you warning."
+
+"Funny?" he ses, staring at me with eyes like a cow.  "Wot d'ye mean?
+There's nothing funny about rheumatics; I ought to know; I'm a martyr to
+it.  Did you find as 'ow the mud did you any good?"
+
+I looked at 'im hard, but 'e stood there looking at me with his fat baby-
+face, and I knew he didn't mean any harm; so I answered 'im perlite and
+wished 'im good night.
+
+"I've 'ad pretty near everything a man can have," he ses, casting anchor
+on a empty box, "but I think the rheumatics was about the worst of 'em
+all.  I even tried bees for it once."
+
+"Bees!"  I ses.  "_Bees!_"
+
+"Bee-stings," he ses.  "A man told me that if I could on'y persuade a few
+bees to sting me, that 'ud cure me.  I don't know what 'e meant by
+persuading! they didn't want no persuading.  I took off my coat and shirt
+and went and rocked one of my neighbour's bee-hives next door, and I
+thought my last hour 'ad come."
+
+He sat on that box and shivered at the memory of it.
+
+"Now I take Dr. Pepper's pellets instead," he ses.  "I've got a box in my
+state-room, and if you'd like to try 'em you're welcome."
+
+He sat there talking about the complaints he had 'ad and wot he 'ad done
+for them till I thought I should never have got rid of 'im.  He got up at
+last, though, and, arter telling me to always wear flannel next to my
+skin, climbed aboard and went below.
+
+I knew the hands was aboard, and arter watching 'is cabin-skylight until
+the light was out, I went and undressed.  Then I crept back on to the
+jetty, and arter listening by the Peewit to make sure that they was all
+asleep, I went back and climbed down the ladder.
+
+It was colder than ever.  The cold seemed to get into my bones, but I
+made up my mind to 'ave that twelve quid if I died for it.  I trod round
+and round the place where I 'ad seen that purse chucked in until I was
+tired, and the rubbish I picked up by mistake you wouldn't believe.
+
+I suppose I 'ad been in there arf an hour, and I was standing up with my
+teeth clenched to keep them from chattering, when I 'appened to look
+round and see something like a white ball coming down the ladder.  My
+'art seemed to stand still for a moment, and then it began to beat as
+though it would burst.  The white thing came down lower and lower, and
+then all of a sudden it stood in the mud and said, "Ow!"
+
+"Who is it?" I ses.  "Who are you?"  "Halloa, Bill!" it ses.  "Ain't it
+perishing cold?"
+
+It was the voice o' Cap'n Fogg, and if ever I wanted to kill a fellow-
+creetur, I wanted to then.
+
+"'Ave you been in long, Bill?" he ses.  "About ten minutes," I ses,
+grinding my teeth.
+
+"Is it doing you good?" he ses.
+
+I didn't answer 'im.
+
+"I was just going off to sleep," he ses, "when I felt a sort of hot pain
+in my left knee.  O' course, I knew what it meant at once, and instead o'
+taking some of the pellets I thought I'd try your remedy instead.  It's a
+bit nippy, but I don't mind that if it does me good."
+
+He laughed a silly sort o' laugh, and then I'm blest if 'e didn't sit
+down in that mud and waller in it.  Then he'd get up and come for'ard two
+or three steps and sit down agin.
+
+"Ain't you sitting down, Bill?" he ses, arter a time.
+
+"No," I ses, "I'm not."
+
+"I don't think you can expect to get the full benefit unless you do," he
+ses, coming up close to me and sitting down agin.  "It's a bit of a shock
+at fust, but  Halloa!"
+
+"Wot's up?" I ses.
+
+"Sitting on something hard," he ses.  "I wish people 'ud be more
+careful."
+
+He took a list to port and felt under the star-board side.  Then he
+brought his 'and up and tried to wipe the mud off and see wot he 'ad got.
+
+"Wot is it?"  I ses, with a nasty sinking sort o' feeling inside me.
+
+"I don't know," he ses, going on wiping.  "It's soft outside and 'ard
+inside.  It----"
+
+"Let's 'ave a look at it," I ses, holding out my 'and.
+
+"It's nothing," he ses, in a queer voice, getting up and steering for the
+ladder.  "Bit of oyster-shell, I think."
+
+He was up that ladder hand over fist, with me close behind 'im, and as
+soon as he 'ad got on to the wharf started to run to 'is ship.
+
+"Good night, Bill," he ses, over 'is shoulder.
+
+"Arf a moment."  I ses, follering 'im.
+
+"I must get aboard," he ses; "I believe I've got a chill," and afore I
+could stop 'im he 'ad jumped on and run down to 'is cabin.
+
+I stood on the jetty for a minute or two, trembling all over with cold
+and temper.  Then I saw he 'ad got a light in 'is cabin, and I crept
+aboard and peeped down the skylight.  And I just 'ad time to see some
+sovereigns on the table, when he looked up and blew out the light.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Dirty Work, by W.W. Jacobs
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+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DIRTY WORK ***
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