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diff --git a/11478-0.txt b/11478-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ab7e98e --- /dev/null +++ b/11478-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,382 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11478 *** + +DEEP WATERS + +By W.W. JACOBS + + + +CONTENTS: + BEDRIDDEN + THE WINTER OFFENSIVE + + + +BEDRIDDEN + +July 12, 1915.--Disquieting rumours to the effect that epidemic of +Billetitis hitherto confined to the north of King's Road shows signs of +spreading. + +July 14.--Report that two Inns of Court men have been seen peeping over +my gate. + +July 16.--Informed that soldier of agreeable appearance and charming +manners requests interview with me. Took a dose of Phospherine and went. +Found composite photograph of French, Joffre, and Hindenburg waiting for +me in the hall. Smiled (he did, I mean) and gave me the mutilated form +of salute reserved for civilians. Introduced himself as Quartermaster- +Sergeant Beddem, and stated that the Inns of Court O.T.C. was going +under canvas next week. After which he gulped. Meantime could I take in +a billet. Questioned as to what day the corps was going into camp said +that he believed it was Monday, but was not quite sure--might possibly be +Tuesday. Swallowed again and coughed a little. Accepted billet and felt +completely re-warded by smile. Q.M.S. bade me good-bye, and then with +the air of a man suddenly remembering something, asked me whether I could +take two. Excused myself and interviewed my C.O. behind the dining-room +door. Came back and accepted. Q.M.S. so overjoyed (apparently) that he +fell over the scraper. Seemed to jog his memory. He paused, and gazing +in absent fashion at the topmost rose on the climber in the porch, asked +whether I could take three! Added hopefully that the third was only a +boy. Excused myself. Heated debate with C.O. Subject: sheets. +Returned with me to explain to the Q.M.S. He smiled. C.O. accepted at +once, and, returning smile, expressed regret at size and position of +bedrooms available. Q.M.S. went off swinging cane jauntily. + +July 17.--Billets arrived. Spoke to them about next Monday and canvas. +They seemed surprised. Strange how the military authorities decline to +take men into their confidence merely because they are privates. Let +them upstairs. They went (for first and last time) on tiptoe. + +July 18.--Saw Q.M.S. Beddem in the town. Took shelter in the King's +Arms. + +Jug. 3.--Went to Cornwall. + +Aug. 31.--Returned. Billets received me very hospitably. + +Sept. 4.--Private Budd, electrical engineer, dissatisfied with +appearance of bell-push in dining-room, altered it. + +Sept. 5.--Bells out of order. + +Sept. 6.--Private Merited, also an electrical engineer, helped Private +Budd to repair bells. + +Sept. 7.--Private Budd helped Private Merited to repair bells. + +Sept. 8.--Privates Budd and Merited helped each other to repair bells. + +Sept. 9.--Sent to local tradesman to put my bells in order. + +Sept. 15.--Told that Q.M.S. Beddem wished to see me. Saw C.O. first. +She thought he had possibly come to take some of the billets away. +Q.M.S. met my approach with a smile that re-minded me vaguely of picture- +postcards I had seen. Awfully sorry to trouble me, but Private Montease, +just back from three weeks' holiday with bronchitis, was sleeping in the +wood-shed on three planks and a tin-tack. Beamed at me and waited. Went +and bought another bed-stead. + +Sept. 16.--Private Montease and a cough entered into residence. + +Sept. 17, 11.45 p.m.--Maid came to bedroom-door with some cough lozenges +which she asked me to take to the new billet. Took them. Private +Montease thanked me, but said he didn't mind coughing. Said it was an +heirloom; Montease cough, known in highest circles all over Scotland +since time of Young Pretender. + +Sept. 20.--Private Montease installed in easy-chair in dining-room with +touch of bronchitis, looking up trains to Bournemouth. + +Sept. 21.--Private Montease in bed all day. Cook anxious "to do her +bit" rubbed his chest with home-made embrocation. Believe it is same +stuff she rubs chests in hall with. Smells the same anyway. + +Sept. 24.--Private Montease, complaining of slight rawness of chest, but +otherwise well, returned to duty. + +Oct. 5.--Cough worse again. Private Montease thinks that with care it +may turn to bronchitis. Borrowed an A.B.C. + +Oct. 6.--Private Montease relates uncanny experience. Woke up with +feeling of suffocation to find an enormous black-currant and glycerine +jujube wedged in his gullet. Never owned such a thing in his life. +Seems to be unaware that he always sleeps with his mouth open. + +Nov. 14.--Private Bowser, youngest and tallest of my billets, gazetted. + +Nov. 15, 10.35 a.m.--Private Bowser in tip-top spirits said good-bye to +us all. + +10.45.--Told that Q.M.S. Beddem desired to see me. Capitulated. New +billet, Private Early, armed to the teeth, turned up in the evening. +Said that he was a Yorkshireman. Said that Yorkshire was the finest +county in England, and Yorkshiremen the finest men in the world. Stood +toying with his bayonet and waiting for contradiction. + +Jan. 5, 1916.--Standing in the garden just after lunch was witness to +startling phenomenon. Q.M.S. Beddem came towards front-gate with a +smile so expansive that gate after first trembling violently on its +hinges swung open of its own accord. Q.M.S., with smile (sad), said he +was in trouble. Very old member of the Inns of Court, Private Keen, had +re-joined, and he wanted a good billet for him. Would cheerfully give up +his own bed, but it wasn't long enough. Not to be outdone in hospitality +by my own gate accepted Private Keen. Q.M.S. digging hole in my path +with toe of right boot, and for first and only time manifesting signs of +nervousness, murmured that two life-long friends of Private Keen's had +rejoined with him. Known as the Three Inseparables. Where they were to +sleep, unless I----. Fled to house, and locking myself in top-attic +watched Q.M.S. from window. He departed with bent head and swagger-cane +reversed. + +Jan 6.--Private Keen arrived. Turned out to be son of an old Chief of +mine. Resolved not to visit the sins of the father on the head of a +child six feet two high and broad in proportion. + +Feb. 6.--Private Keen came home with a temperature. + +Feb. 7.--M.O. diagnosed influenza. Was afraid it would spread. + +Feb. 8.--Warned the other four billets. They seemed amused. Pointed +out that influenza had no terrors for men in No. 2 Company, who were +doomed to weekly night-ops. under Major Carryon. + +Feb. 9.--House strangely and pleasantly quiet. Went to see how Private +Keen was progressing, and found the other four billets sitting in a row +on his bed practising deep-breathing exercises. + +Feb. 16.--Billets on night-ops. until late hour. Spoke in highest terms +of Major Carryon's marching powers--also in other terms. + +March 3.--Waited up until midnight for Private Merited, who had gone to +Slough on his motor-bike. + +March 4, 1.5 a.m.--Awakened by series of explosions from over-worked, or +badly-worked, motor-bike. Put head out of window and threw key to +Private Merited. He seemed excited. Said he had been chased all the way +from Chesham by a pink rat with yellow spots. Advised him to go to bed. +Set him an example. + +1.10. a.m.--Heard somebody in the pantry. 2.10. a.m.--Heard Private +Merited going upstairs to bed. + +2.16 a.m.--Heard Private Merited still going upstairs to bed. + +2.20-3.15. a.m.--Heard Private Merited getting to bed. + +April 3, 12.30 a.m.--Town-hooter announced Zeppelins and excited soldier +called up my billets from their beds to go and frighten them off. +Pleasant to see superiority of billets over the hooter: that only emitted +three blasts. + +12.50 a.m.--Billets returned with exception of Private Merited, who was +retained for sake of his motor-bike. + +9 a.m.--On way to bath-room ran into Private Merited, who, looking very +glum and sleepy, inquired whether I had a copy of the Exchange and Mart +in the house. + +10 p.m.--Overheard billets discussing whether it was worth while removing +boots before going to bed until the Zeppelin scare was over. Joined in +discussion. + +May 2.--Rumours that the Inns of Court were going under canvas. +Discredited them. + +May 5.--Rumours grow stronger. + +May 6.--Billets depressed. Begin to think perhaps there is something in +rumours after all. + +May 9.-All doubts removed. Tents begin to spring up with the suddenness +of mushrooms in fields below Berkhamsted Place. + +May 18, LIBERATION DAY.--Bade a facetious good-bye to my billets; +response lacking in bonhomie. + +May 19.-House delightfully quiet. Presented caller of unkempt appearance +at back-door with remains of pair of military boots, three empty shaving- +stick tins, and a couple of partially bald tooth-brushes. + +May 21.--In afternoon went round and looked at camp. Came home smiling, +and went to favourite seat in garden to smoke. Discovered Private Early +lying on it fast asleep. Went to study. Private Merited at table +writing long and well-reasoned letter to his tailor. As he said he could +never write properly with anybody else in the room, left him and went to +bath-room. Door locked. Peevish but familiar voice, with a Scotch +accent, asked me what I wanted; also complained of temperature of water. + +May 22.--After comparing notes with neighbours, feel deeply grateful to +Q.M.S. Beddem for sending me the best six men in the corps. + +July 15.--Feel glad to have been associated, however remotely and humbly, +with a corps, the names of whose members appear on the Roll of Honour of +every British regiment. + + + + + + +THE WINTER OFFENSIVE + +_N.B.--Having regard to the eccentricities of the Law of Libel it must be +distinctly understood that the following does not refer to the +distinguished officer, Lieut. Troup Horne, of the Inns of Court. +Anybody trying to cause mischief between a civilian of eight stone and a +soldier of seventeen by a statement to the contrary will hear from my +solicitors._ + + +Aug. 29, 1916.--We returned from the sea to find our house still our +own, and the military still in undisputed possession of the remains of +the grass in the fields of Berkhamsted Place. As in previous years, it +was impossible to go in search of wild-flowers without stumbling over +sleeping members of the Inns of Court; but war is war, and we grumble as +little as possible. + +Sept. 28.--Unpleasant rumours to the effect that several members of the +Inns of Court had attributed cases of curvature of the spine to sleeping +on ground that had been insufficiently rolled. Also that they had been +heard to smack their lips and speak darkly of featherbeds. Respected +neighbour of gloomy disposition said that if Pharaoh were still alive he +could suggest an eleventh plague to him beside which frogs and flies were +an afternoon's diversion. + +Oct. 3.--Householders of Berkhamsted busy mending bedsteads broken by +last year's billets, and buying patent taps for their beer-barrels. + +Oct. 15.--Informed that a representative of the Army wished to see me. +Instead of my old friend Q.M.S. Beddem, who generally returns to life at +this time of year, found that it was an officer of magnificent presence +and two pips. A fine figure of a man, with a great resemblance to the +late lamented Bismarck, minus the moustache and the three hairs on the +top of the head. Asked him to be seated. He selected a chair that was +all arms and legs and no hips to speak of and crushed himself into it. +After which he unfastened his belt and "swelled wisibly afore my werry +eyes." Said that his name was True Born and asked if it made any +difference to me whether I had one officer or half-a-dozen men billeted +on me. Said that he was the officer, and that as the rank-and-file were +not allowed to pollute the same atmosphere, thought I should score. +After a mental review of all I could remember of the Weights and Measures +Table, accepted him. He bade a lingering farewell to the chair, and +departed. + +Oct. 16.--Saw Q.M.S. Beddem on the other side of the road and gave him +an absolutely new thrill by crossing to meet him. Asked diffidently--as +diffidently as he could, that is--how many men my house would hold. +Replied eight--or ten at a pinch. He gave me a surprised and beaming +smile and whipped out a huge note-book. Informed him with as much regret +as I could put into a voice not always under perfect control, that I had +already got an officer. Q.M.S., favouring me with a look very +appropriate to the Devil's Own, turned on his heel and set off in pursuit +of a lady-billetee, pulling up short on the threshold of the baby-linen +shop in which she took refuge. Left him on guard with a Casablanca-like +look on his face. + +Nov. 1.--Lieut. True Born took up his quarters with us. Gave him my +dressing-room for bedchamber. Was awakened several times in the night by +what I took to be Zeppelins, flying low. + +Nov. 2.--Lieut. True Born offered to bet me five pounds to twenty that +the war would be over by 1922. + +Nov. 3.--Offered to teach me auction-bridge. + +Nov. 4.--Asked me whether I could play "shove ha'penny." + +Nov. 10.--Lieut. True Born gave one of the regimental horses a riding- +lesson. Came home grumpy and went to bed early. + +Nov. 13.--Another riding-lesson. Over-heard him asking one of the +maids whether there was such a thing as a water-bed in the house. + +Nov. 17.--Complained bitterly of horse-copers. Said that his poor mount +was discovered to be suffering from saddle-soreness, broken wind, +splints, weak hocks, and two bones of the neck out of place. + +Dec. 9.--7 p.m.--One of last year's billets, Private Merited, on leave +from a gunnery course, called to see me and to find out whether his old +bed had improved since last year. Left his motor-bike in the garage, and +the smell in front of the dining-room window. + +8 to 12 p.m.--Sat with Private Merited, listening to Lieut. True Born on +the mistakes of Wellington. + +12.5 a.m.--Rose to go to bed. Was about to turn out gas in hall when I +discovered the lieutenant standing with his face to the wall playing pat- +a-cake with it. Gave him three-parts of a tumbler of brandy. Said he +felt better and went upstairs. Arrived in his bed-room, he looked about +him carefully, and then, with a superb sweep of his left arm, swept the +best Chippendale looking-glass in the family off the dressing table and +dived face down-wards to the floor, missing death and the corner of the +chest of drawers by an inch. + +12:15 a.m.--Rolled him on to his back and got his feet on the bed. They +fell off again as soon as they were cleaner than the quilt. The +lieutenant, startled by the crash, opened his eyes and climbed into bed +unaided. + +12.20 a.m.--Sent Private Merited for the M.O., Captain Geranium. + +12.25 a.m.--Mixed a dose of brandy and castor-oil in a tumbler. Am told +it slips down like an oyster that way--bad oyster, I should think. +Lieut. True Born jibbed. Reminded him that England expects that every +man will take his castor-oil. Reply unprintable. Apologized a moment +later. Said that his mind was wandering and that he thought he was a +colonel. Reassured him. + +12.40 a.m.--Private Merited returned with the M.O. Latter nicely dressed +in musical-comedy pyjamas of ravishing hue, and great-coat, with rose- +tinted feet thrust into red morocco slippers. Held consultation and +explained my treatment. M.O. much impressed, anxious to know whether I +was a doctor. Told him "No," but that I knew all the ropes. First give +patient castor-oil, then diet him and call every day to make sure that he +doesn't like his food. After that, if he shows signs of getting well too +soon, give him a tonic. . . . M.O. stuffy. + +Dec. 10.--M.O. diagnosed attack as due to something which True Born +believes to be tobacco, with which he disinfects the house, the +mess-sheds, and the streets of Berkhamsted. + +Dec. 11.--True Born, shorn of thirteen pipes a day out of sixteen, +disparages the whole race of M.O.'s. + +Dec. 14.--He obtains leave to attend wedding of a great-aunt and +ransacks London for a specialist who advocates strong tobacco. + +Dec. 15.--He classes specialists with M.O.'s. Is surprised (and +apparently disappointed) that, so far, the breaking of the looking-glass +has brought me no ill-luck. Feel somewhat uneasy myself until glass is +repaired by local cabinet-maker. + +Jan. 10, 1917.--Lieut. True Born starts to break in another horse. + +Feb. 1.--Horse broken. + +March 3.--Running short of tobacco, go to my billet's room and try a pipe +of his. Take all the remedies except the castor-oil. + +April 4, 8.30 a.m.--Awakened by an infernal crash and discover that my +poor looking-glass is in pieces again on the floor. True Born explains +that its position, between the open door and the open window, was too +much for it. Don't believe a word of it. Shall believe to my dying day +that it burst in a frantic but hopeless attempt to tell Lieut. True Born +the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. + +April 6.--The lieutenant watching for some sign of misfortune to me. +Says that I can't break a mirror twice without ill-luck following it. +Me! + +April 9.--Lieut. True Born comes up to me with a face full of conflicting +emotions. "Your ill-luck has come at last," he says with gloomy +satisfaction. "We go under canvas on the 23rd. You are losing me!" + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Bedridden and The Winter Offensive, by W.W. Jacobs + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11478 *** |