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diff --git a/old/1147.txt b/old/1147.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e35c95a --- /dev/null +++ b/old/1147.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4712 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of From This World to the Next, by Henry Fielding + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: From This World to the Next + +Author: Henry Fielding + +Release Date: July 27, 2008 [EBook #1147] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FROM THIS WORLD TO THE NEXT *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller + + + + + +A JOURNEY FROM THIS WORLD TO THE NEXT + + + +By Henry Fielding + + +CONTENTS: + +INTRODUCTION + + BOOK I + + + CHAPTER I. + The author dies, meets with Mercury, and is by him conducted to + the stage which sets out for the other world + + + CHAPTER II. + In which the author first refutes some idle opinions concerning + spirits, and then the passengers relate their several deaths. + + + CHAPTER III. + The adventures we met with in the City of Diseases + + + CHAPTER IV. + Discourses on the road, and a description of the palace of Death + + + CHAPTER V. + The travelers proceed on their journey, and meet several spirits + who are coming into the flesh + + + CHAPTER VI. + An account of the wheel of fortune, with a method of preparing a + spirit for this world + + + CHAPTER VII. + The proceedings of judge Minos at the gate of Elysium + + + CHAPTER VIII. + The adventures which the author met on his first entrance into Elysium + + + CHAPTER IX. + More adventures in Elysium + + CHAPTER X. + The author is surprised at meeting Julian the apostate in Elysium; + but is satisfied by him by what means he procured his entrance there. + Julian relates his adventures in the character of a slave + + CHAPTER XI. + In which Julian relates his adventures in the character of an + avaricious Jew + + CHAPTER XII. + What happened to Julian in the characters of a general, an heir, + a carpenter, and a beau + + CHAPTER XIII. + Julian passes into a fop + + CHAPTER XIV. + Adventures in the person of a monk + + CHAPTER XV. + Julian passes into the character of a fiddler + + CHAPTER XVI. + The history of the wise man + + CHAPTER XVII. + Julian enters into the person of a king + + CHAPTER XVIII. + Julian passes into a fool + + CHAPTER XIX. + Julian appears in the character of a beggar + + CHAPTER XX. + Julian performs the part of a statesman + + CHAPTER XXI. + Julian's adventures in the post of a soldier + + CHAPTER XXII. + What happened to Julian in the person of a tailor + + CHAPTER XXIII. + The life of alderman Julian + + CHAPTER XXIV. + Julian recounts what happened to him while he was a poet + + CHAPTER XXV. + Julian performs the parts of a knight and a dancing-master + + + BOOK II. + + CHAPTER VII. + Wherein Anna Boleyn relates the history of her life + + + + + +A JOURNEY FROM THIS WORLD TO THE NEXT + + + + +INTRODUCTION + +Whether the ensuing pages were really the dream or vision of some very +pious and holy person; or whether they were really written in the other +world, and sent back to this, which is the opinion of many (though +I think too much inclining to superstition); or lastly, whether, as +infinitely the greatest part imagine, they were really the production +of some choice inhabitant of New Bethlehem, is not necessary nor easy +to determine. It will be abundantly sufficient if I give the reader an +account by what means they came into my possession. Mr. Robert Powney, +stationer, who dwells opposite to Catherine-street in the Strand, a +very honest man and of great gravity of countenance; who, among other +excellent stationery commodities, is particularly eminent for his pens, +which I am abundantly bound to acknowledge, as I owe to their peculiar +goodness that my manuscripts have by any means been legible: this +gentleman, I say, furnished me some time since with a bundle of those +pens, wrapped up with great care and caution, in a very large sheet of +paper full of characters, written as it seemed in a very bad hand. +Now, I have a surprising curiosity to read everything which is almost +illegible; partly perhaps from the sweet remembrance of the dear +Scrawls, Skrawls, or Skrales (for the word is variously spelled), which +I have in my youth received from that lovely part of the creation for +which I have the tenderest regard; and partly from that temper of mind +which makes men set an immense value on old manuscripts so effaced, +bustoes so maimed, and pictures so black that no one can tell what to +make of them. I therefore perused this sheet with wonderful application, +and in about a day's time discovered that I could not understand it. I +immediately repaired to Mr. Powney, and inquired very eagerly whether +he had not more of the same manuscript? He produced about one hundred +pages, acquainting me that he had saved no more; but that the book was +originally a huge folio, had been left in his garret by a gentleman +who lodged there, and who had left him no other satisfaction for nine +months' lodging. He proceeded to inform me that the manuscript had been +hawked about (as he phrased it) among all the booksellers, who refused +to meddle; some alleged that they could not read, others that they could +not understand it. Some would haze it to be an atheistical book, and +some that it was a libel on the government; for one or other of which +reasons they all refused to print it. That it had been likewise shown to +the R--l Society, but they shook their heads, saying, there was nothing +in it wonderful enough for them. That, hearing the gentleman was gone +to the West-Indies, and believing it to be good for nothing else, he had +used it as waste paper. He said I was welcome to what remained, and he +was heartily sorry for what was missing, as I seemed to set some value +on it. + +I desired him much to name a price: but he would receive no +consideration farther than the payment of a small bill I owed him, which +at that time he said he looked on as so much money given him. + +I presently communicated this manuscript to my friend parson Abraham +Adams, who, after a long and careful perusal, returned it me with his +opinion that there was more in it than at first appeared; that the +author seemed not entirely unacquainted with the writings of Plato; but +he wished he had quoted him sometimes in his margin, that I might be +sure (said he) he had read him in the original: for nothing, continued +the parson, is commoner than for men now-a-days to pretend to have read +Greek authors, who have met with them only in translations, and cannot +conjugate a verb in mi. + +To deliver my own sentiments on the occasion, I think the author +discovers a philosophical turn of thinking, with some little knowledge +of the world, and no very inadequate value of it. There are some indeed +who, from the vivacity of their temper and the happiness of their +station, are willing to consider its blessings as more substantial, and +the whole to be a scene of more consequence than it is here represented: +but, without controverting their opinions at present, the number of wise +and good men who have thought with our author are sufficient to keep him +in countenance: nor can this be attended with any ill inference, since +he everywhere teaches this moral: That the greatest and truest happiness +which this world affords, is to be found only in the possession of +goodness and virtue; a doctrine which, as it is undoubtedly true, so +hath it so noble and practical a tendency, that it can never be too +often or too strongly inculcated on the minds of men. + + + + +BOOK I + + + +CHAPTER I + + The author dies, meets with Mercury, and is by him conducted + to the stage which sets out for the other world. + +On the first day of December 1741 [1] I departed this life at my +lodgings in Cheapside. My body had been some time dead before I was at +liberty to quit it, lest it should by any accident return to life: this +is an injunction imposed on all souls by the eternal law of fate, to +prevent the inconveniences which would follow. As soon as the destined +period was expired (being no longer than till the body is become +perfectly cold and stiff) I began to move; but found myself under a +difficulty of making my escape, for the mouth or door was shut, so that +it was impossible for me to go out at it; and the windows, vulgarly +called the eyes, were so closely pulled down by the fingers of a nurse, +that I could by no means open them. At last I perceived a beam of light +glimmering at the top of the house (for such I may call the body I had +been inclosed in), whither ascending, I gently let myself down through a +kind of chimney, and issued out at the nostrils. + +No prisoner discharged from a long confinement ever tasted the sweets +of liberty with a more exquisite relish than I enjoyed in this delivery +from a dungeon wherein I had been detained upwards of forty years, and +with much the same kind of regard I cast my eyes [2] backwards upon it. + +My friends and relations had all quitted the room, being all (as I +plainly overheard) very loudly quarreling below stairs about my +will; there was only an old woman left above to guard the body, as I +apprehend. She was in a fast sleep, occasioned, as from her savor it +seemed, by a comfortable dose of gin. I had no pleasure in this company, +and, therefore, as the window was wide open, I sallied forth into the +open air: but, to my great astonishment, found myself unable to fly, +which I had always during my habitation in the body conceived of +spirits; however, I came so lightly to the ground that I did not hurt +myself; and, though I had not the gift of flying (owing probably to +my having neither feathers nor wings), I was capable of hopping such a +prodigious way at once, that it served my turn almost as well. I had +not hopped far before I perceived a tall young gentleman in a silk +waistcoat, with a wing on his left heel, a garland on his head, and a +caduceus in his right hand. [3] I thought I had seen this person before, +but had not time to recollect where, when he called out to me and asked +me how long I had been departed. I answered I was just come forth. "You +must not stay here," replied he, "unless you had been murdered: in which +case, indeed, you might have been suffered to walk some time; but if you +died a natural death you must set out for the other world immediately." +I desired to know the way. "O," cried the gentleman, "I will show you +to the inn whence the stage proceeds; for I am the porter. Perhaps you +never heard of me--my name is Mercury." "Sure, sir," said I, "I +have seen you at the play-house." Upon which he smiled, and, without +satisfying me as to that point, walked directly forward, bidding me hop +after him. I obeyed him, and soon found myself in Warwick-lane; where +Mercury, making a full stop, pointed at a particular house, where he +bade me enquire for the stage, and, wishing me a good journey, took his +leave, saying he must go seek after other customers. + +I arrived just as the coach was setting out, and found I had no reason +for inquiry; for every person seemed to know my business the moment I +appeared at the door: the coachman told me his horses were to, but +that he had no place left; however, though there were already six, the +passengers offered to make room for me. I thanked them, and ascended +without much ceremony. We immediately began our journey, being seven in +number; for, as the women wore no hoops, three of them were but equal to +two men. Perhaps, reader, thou mayest be pleased with an account of +this whole equipage, as peradventure thou wilt not, while alive, see any +such. The coach was made by an eminent toyman, who is well known to +deal in immaterial substance, that being the matter of which it was +compounded. The work was so extremely fine, that it was entirely +invisible to the human eye. The horses which drew this extraordinary +vehicle were all spiritual, as well as the passengers. They had, +indeed, all died in the service of a certain postmaster; and as for the +coachman, who was a very thin piece of immaterial substance, he had the +honor while alive of driving the Great Peter, or Peter the Great, in +whose service his soul, as well as body, was almost starved to death. +Such was the vehicle in which I set out, and now, those who are not +willing to travel on with me may, if they please, stop here; those who +are, must proceed to the subsequent chapters, in which this journey is +continued. + + + + +CHAPTER II + + In which the author first refutes some idle opinions + concerning spirits, and then the passengers relate their + several deaths. + +It is the common opinion that spirits, like owls, can see in the dark; +nay, and can then most easily be perceived by others. For which reason, +many persons of good understanding, to prevent being terrified with +such objects, usually keep a candle burning by them, that the light may +prevent their seeing. Mr. Locke, in direct opposition to this, hath not +doubted to assert that you may see a spirit in open daylight full as +well as in the darkest night. + +It was very dark when we set out from the inn, nor could we see any +more than if every soul of us had been alive. We had traveled a good way +before any one offered to open his mouth; indeed, most of the company +were fast asleep, [4] but, as I could not close my own eyes, and +perceived the spirit who sat opposite to me to be likewise awake, I +began to make overtures of conversation, by complaining HOW DARK IT WAS. +"And extremely cold too," answered my fellow traveler; "though, I thank +God, as I have no body, I feel no inconvenience from it: but you will +believe, sir, that this frosty air must seem very sharp to one just +issued forth out of an oven; for such was the inflamed habitation I am +lately departed from." "How did you come to your end, sir?" said I. +"I was murdered, sir," answered the gentleman. "I am surprised then," +replied I, "that you did not divert yourself by walking up and down and +playing some merry tricks with the murderer." "Oh, sir," returned he, +"I had not that privilege, I was lawfully put to death. In short, +a physician set me on fire, by giving me medicines to throw out my +distemper. I died of a hot regimen, as they call it, in the small-pox." + +One of the spirits at that word started up and cried out, "The +small-pox! bless me! I hope I am not in company with that distemper, +which I have all my life with such caution avoided, and have so happily +escaped hitherto!" This fright set all the passengers who were awake +into a loud laughter; and the gentleman, recollecting himself, with some +confusion, and not without blushing, asked pardon, crying, "I protest +I dreamed that I was alive." "Perhaps, sir," said I, "you died of that +distemper, which therefore made so strong an impression on you." "No, +sir," answered he, "I never had it in my life; but the continual and +dreadful apprehension it kept me so long under cannot, I see, be so +immediately eradicated. You must know, sir, I avoided coming to London +for thirty years together, for fear of the small-pox, till the most +urgent business brought me thither about five days ago. I was so +dreadfully afraid of this disease that I refused the second night of +my arrival to sup with a friend whose wife had recovered of it several +months before, and the same evening got a surfeit by eating too many +muscles, which brought me into this good company." + +"I will lay a wager," cried the spirit who sat next him, "there is not +one in the coach able to guess my distemper." I desired the favor of him +to acquaint us with it, if it was so uncommon. "Why, sir," said he, "I +died of honor."--"Of honor, sir!" repeated I, with some surprise. "Yes, +sir," answered the spirit, "of honor, for I was killed in a duel." + +"For my part," said a fair spirit, "I was inoculated last summer, and +had the good fortune to escape with a very few marks on my face. I +esteemed myself now perfectly happy, as I imagined I had no restraint +to a full enjoyment of the diversions of the town; but within a few days +after my coming up I caught cold by overdancing myself at a ball, and +last night died of a violent fever." + +After a short silence which now ensued, the fair spirit who spoke last, +it being now daylight, addressed herself to a female who sat next her, +and asked her to what chance they owed the happiness of her company. She +answered, she apprehended to a consumption, but the physicians were not +agreed concerning her distemper, for she left two of them in a very hot +dispute about it when she came out of her body. "And pray, madam," said +the same spirit to the sixth passenger, "How came you to leave the other +world?" But that female spirit, screwing up her mouth, answered, she +wondered at the curiosity of some people; that perhaps persons had +already heard some reports of her death, which were far from being true; +that, whatever was the occasion of it, she was glad at being delivered +from a world in which she had no pleasure, and where there was nothing +but nonsense and impertinence; particularly among her own sex, whose +loose conduct she had long been entirely ashamed of. + +The beauteous spirit, perceiving her question gave offense, pursued it +no farther. She had indeed all the sweetness and good-humor which are +so extremely amiable (when found) in that sex which tenderness most +exquisitely becomes. Her countenance displayed all the cheerfulness, the +good-nature, and the modesty, which diffuse such brightness round the +beauty of Seraphina, [5] awing every beholder with respect, and, at the +same time, ravishing him with admiration. Had it not been indeed for +our conversation on the small-pox, I should have imagined we had been +honored with her identical presence. This opinion might have been +heightened by the good sense she uttered whenever she spoke, by the +delicacy of her sentiments, and the complacence of her behavior, +together with a certain dignity which attended every look, word, and +gesture; qualities which could not fail making an impression on a heart +[6] so capable of receiving it as mine, nor was she long in raising in +me a very violent degree of seraphic love. I do not intend by this, that +sort of love which men are very properly said to make to women in the +lower world, and which seldom lasts any longer than while it is +making. I mean by seraphic love an extreme delicacy and tenderness of +friendship, of which, my worthy reader, if thou hast no conception, as +it is probable thou mayest not, my endeavor to instruct thee would be as +fruitless as it would be to explain the most difficult problems of Sir +Isaac Newton to one ignorant of vulgar arithmetic. + +To return therefore to matters comprehensible by all understandings: +the discourse now turned on the vanity, folly, and misery of the lower +world, from which every passenger in the coach expressed the highest +satisfaction in being delivered; though it was very remarkable that, +notwithstanding the joy we declared at our death, there was not one of +us who did not mention the accident which occasioned it as a thing we +would have avoided if we could. Nay, the very grave lady herself, who +was the forwardest in testifying her delight, confessed inadvertently +that she left a physician by her bedside; and the gentleman who died +of honor very liberally cursed both his folly and his fencing. While +we were entertaining ourselves with these matters, on a sudden a most +offensive smell began to invade our nostrils. This very much resembled +the savor which travelers in summer perceive at their approach to that +beautiful village of the Hague, arising from those delicious canals +which, as they consist of standing water, do at that time emit odors +greatly agreeable to a Dutch taste, but not so pleasant to any other. +Those perfumes, with the assistance of a fair wind, begin to affect +persons of quick olfactory nerves at a league's distance, and increase +gradually as you approach. In the same manner did the smell I have just +mentioned, more and more invade us, till one of the spirits, looking out +of the coach-window, declared we were just arrived at a very large +city; and indeed he had scarce said so before we found ourselves in the +suburbs, and, at the same time, the coachman, being asked by another, +informed us that the name of this place was the City of Diseases. The +road to it was extremely smooth, and, excepting the above-mentioned +savor, delightfully pleasant. The streets of the suburbs were lined +with bagnios, taverns, and cooks' shops: in the first we saw several +beautiful women, but in tawdry dresses, looking out at the windows; and +in the latter were visibly exposed all kinds of the richest dainties; +but on our entering the city we found, contrary to all we had seen in +the other world, that the suburbs were infinitely pleasanter than the +city itself. It was indeed a very dull, dark, and melancholy place. Few +people appeared in the streets, and these, for the most part, were old +women, and here and there a formal grave gentleman, who seemed to be +thinking, with large tie-wigs on, and amber-headed canes in their hands. +We were all in hopes that our vehicle would not stop here; but, to our +sorrow, the coach soon drove into an inn, and we were obliged to alight. + + + + +CHAPTER III + + The adventures we met with in the City of Diseases. + +We had not been long arrived in our inn, where it seems we were to spend +the remainder of the day, before our host acquainted us that it was +customary for all spirits, in their passage through that city, to pay +their respects to that lady Disease, to whose assistance they had owed +their deliverance from the lower world. We answered we should not +fail in any complacence which was usual to others; upon which our host +replied he would immediately send porters to conduct us. He had not long +quitted the room before we were attended by some of those grave persons +whom I have before described in large tie-wigs with amber-headed canes. +These gentlemen are the ticket-porters in the city, and their canes are +the insignia, or tickets, denoting their office. We informed them of +the several ladies to whom we were obliged, and were preparing to follow +them, when on a sudden they all stared at one another, and left us in +a hurry, with a frown on every countenance. We were surprised at this +behavior, and presently summoned the host, who was no sooner acquainted +with it than he burst into an hearty laugh, and told us the reason was, +because we did not fee the gentlemen the moment they came in, according +to the custom of the place. We answered, with some confusion, we had +brought nothing with us from the other world, which we had been all our +lives informed was not lawful to do. "No, no, master," replied the host; +"I am apprised of that, and indeed it was my fault. I should have first +sent you to my lord Scrape, [7] who would have supplied you with what +you want." "My lord Scrape supply us!" said I, with astonishment: "sure +you must know we cannot give him security; and I am convinced he never +lent a shilling without it in his life." "No, sir," answered the host, +"and for that reason he is obliged to do it here, where he is sentenced +to keep a bank, and to distribute money gratis to all passengers. This +bank originally consisted of just that sum, which he had miserably +hoarded up in the other world, and he is to perceive it decrease visibly +one shilling a-day, till it is totally exhausted; after which he is to +return to the other world, and perform the part of a miser for seventy +years; then, being purified in the body of a hog, he is to enter the +human species again, and take a second trial." "Sir," said I, "you tell +me wonders: but if his bank be to decrease only a shilling a day, how +can he furnish all passengers?" "The rest," answered the host, "is +supplied again; but in a manner which I cannot easily explain to you." +"I apprehend," said I, "this distribution of his money is inflicted on +him as a punishment; but I do not see how it can answer that end, when +he knows it is to be restored to him again. Would it not serve the +purpose as well if he parted only with the single shilling, which it +seems is all he is really to lose?" "Sir," cries the host, "when you +observe the agonies with which he parts with every guinea, you will +be of another opinion. No prisoner condemned to death ever begged so +heartily for transportation as he, when he received his sentence, did +to go to hell, provided he might carry his money with him. But you will +know more of these things when you arrive at the upper world; and now, +if you please, I will attend you to my lord's, who is obliged to supply +you with whatever you desire." + +We found his lordship sitting at the upper end of a table, on which was +an immense sum of money, disposed in several heaps, every one of which +would have purchased the honor of some patriots and the chastity of +some prudes. The moment he saw us he turned pale, and sighed, as well +apprehending our business. Mine host accosted him with a familiar air, +which at first surprised me, who so well remembered the respect I had +formerly seen paid this lord by men infinitely superior in quality to +the person who now saluted him in the following manner: "Here, you lord, +and be dam--d to your little sneaking soul, tell out your money, and +supply your betters with what they want. Be quick, sirrah, or I'll fetch +the beadle to you. Don't fancy yourself in the lower world again, with +your privilege at your a--." He then shook a cane at his lordship, who +immediately began to tell out his money, with the same miserable air +and face which the miser on our stage wears while he delivers his +bank-bills. This affected some of us so much that we had certainly +returned with no more than what would have been sufficient to fee the +porters, had not our host, perceiving our compassion, begged us not to +spare a fellow who, in the midst of immense wealth, had always refused +the least contribution to charity. Our hearts were hardened with this +reflection, and we all filled our pockets with his money. I remarked a +poetical spirit, in particular, who swore he would have a hearty gripe +at him: "For," says he, "the rascal not only refused to subscribe to +my works, but sent back my letter unanswered, though I am a better +gentleman than himself." We now returned from this miserable object, +greatly admiring the propriety as well as justice of his punishment, +which consisted, as our host informed us, merely in the delivering forth +his money; and, he observed, we could not wonder at the pain this gave +him, since it was as reasonable that the bare parting with money should +make him miserable as that the bare having money without using it should +have made him happy. Other tie-wig porters (for those we had summoned +before refused to visit us again) now attended us; and we having fee'd +them the instant they entered the room, according to the instructions of +our host, they bowed and smiled, and offered to introduce us to whatever +disease we pleased. + +We set out several ways, as we were all to pay our respects to different +ladies. I directed my porter to show me to the Fever on the Spirits, +being the disease which had delivered me from the flesh. My guide and I +traversed many streets, and knocked at several doors, but to no purpose. +At one, we were told, lived the Consumption; at another, the Maladie +Alamode, a French lady; at the third, the Dropsy; at the fourth, the +Rheumatism; at the fifth, Intemperance; at the sixth, Misfortune. I was +tired, and had exhausted my patience, and almost my purse; for I gave my +porter a new fee at every blunder he made: when my guide, with a solemn +countenance, told me he could do no more; and marched off without any +farther ceremony. + +He was no sooner gone than I met another gentleman with a ticket, i. e., +an amber-headed cane in his hand. I first fee'd him, and then acquainted +him with the name of the disease. He cast himself for two or three +minutes into a thoughtful posture, then pulled a piece of paper out +of his pocket, on which he wrote something in one of the Oriental +languages, I believe, for I could not read a syllable: he bade me carry +it to such a particular shop, and, telling me it would do my business, +he took his leave. + +Secure, as I now thought myself, of my direction, I went to the shop, +which very much resembled an apothecary's. The person who officiated, +having read the paper, took down about twenty different jars, and, +pouring something out of every one of them, made a mixture, which he +delivered to me in a bottle, having first tied a paper round the neck +of it, on which were written three or four words, the last containing +eleven syllables. I mentioned the name of the disease I wanted to +find out, but received no other answer than that he had done as he was +ordered, and the drugs were excellent. I began now to be enraged, and, +quitting the shop with some anger in my countenance, I intended to find +out my inn, but, meeting in the way a porter whose countenance had in it +something more pleasing than ordinary, I resolved to try once more, and +clapped a fee into his hand. As soon as I mentioned the disease to him +he laughed heartily, and told me I had been imposed on, for in reality +no such disease was to be found in that city. He then inquired into the +particulars of my case, and was no sooner acquainted with them than he +informed me that the Maladie Alamode was the lady to whom I was obliged. +I thanked him, and immediately went to pay my respects to her. The +house, or rather palace, of this lady was one of the most beautiful +and magnificent in the city. The avenue to it was planted with sycamore +trees, with beds of flowers on each side; it was extremely pleasant but +short. I was conducted through a magnificent hall, adorned with several +statues and bustoes, most of them maimed, whence I concluded them all +to be true antiques; but was informed they were the figures of several +modern heroes, who had died martyrs to her ladyship's cause. I next +mounted through a large painted staircase, where several persons were +depicted in caricatura; and, upon inquiry, was told they were the +portraits of those who had distinguished themselves against the lady +in the lower world. I suppose I should have known the faces of many +physicians and surgeons, had they not been so violently distorted by +the painter. Indeed, he had exerted so much malice in his work, that I +believe he had himself received some particular favors from the lady of +this mansion: it is difficult to conceive a group of stranger figures. I +then entered a long room, hung round with the pictures of women of such +exact shapes and features that I should have thought myself in a gallery +of beauties, had not a certain sallow paleness in their complexions +given me a more distasteful idea. Through this I proceeded to a second +apartment, adorned, if I may so call it, with the figures of old ladies. +Upon my seeming to admire at this furniture, the servant told me with +a smile that these had been very good friends of his lady, and had done +her eminent service in the lower world. I immediately recollected the +faces of one or two of my acquaintance, who had formerly kept bagnios; +but was very much surprised to see the resemblance of a lady of great +distinction in such company. The servant, upon my mentioning this, made +no other answer than that his lady had pictures of all degrees. I was +now introduced into the presence of the lady herself. She was a thin, or +rather meager, person, very wan in the countenance, had no nose and many +pimples in her face. She offered to rise at my entrance, but could not +stand. After many compliments, much congratulation on her side, and +the most fervent expressions of gratitude on mine, she asked me many +questions concerning the situation of her affairs in the lower world; +most of which I answered to her entire satisfaction. At last, with +a kind of forced smile, she said, "I suppose the pill and drop go on +swimmingly?" I told her they were reported to have done great cures. +She replied she could apprehend no danger from any person who was not +of regular practice; "for, however simple mankind are," said she, "or +however afraid they are of death, they prefer dying in a regular manner +to being cured by a nostrum." She then expressed great pleasure at the +account I gave her of the beau monde. She said she had herself removed +the hundreds of Drury to the hundreds of Charing-cross, and was very +much delighted to find they had spread into St. James's; that she +imputed this chiefly to several of her dear and worthy friends, who had +lately published their excellent works, endeavoring to extirpate all +notions of religion and virtue; and particularly to the deserving author +of the Bachelor's Estimate; "to whom," said she, "if I had not reason to +think he was a surgeon, and had therefore written from mercenary views, +I could never sufficiently own my obligations." She spoke likewise +greatly in approbation of the method, so generally used by parents, of +marrying children very young, and without the least affection between +the parties; and concluded by saying that, if these fashions continued +to spread, she doubted not but she should shortly be the only disease +who would ever receive a visit from any person of considerable rank. + +While we were discoursing her three daughters entered the room. They +were all called by hard names; the eldest was named Lepra, the second +Chaeras, and the third Scorbutia. [8] They were all genteel, but ugly. +I could not help observing the little respect they paid their parent, +which the old lady remarking in my countenance, as soon as they quitted +the room, which soon happened, acquainted me with her unhappiness in her +offspring, every one of which had the confidence to deny themselves to +be her children, though she said she had been a very indulgent mother +and had plentifully provided for them all. As family complaints +generally as much tire the hearer as they relieve him who makes them, +when I found her launching farther into this subject I resolved to put +an end to my visit, and, taking my leave with many thanks for the +favor she had done me, I returned to the inn, where I found my +fellow-travelers just mounting into their vehicle. I shook hands with +my host and accompanied them into the coach, which immediately after +proceeded on its journey. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + + Discourses on the road, and a description of the palace of + Death. + +We were all silent for some minutes, till, being well shaken into our +several seats, I opened my mouth first, and related what had happened to +me after our separation in the city we had just left. + +The rest of the company, except the grave female spirit whom our reader +may remember to have refused giving an account of the distemper which +occasioned her dissolution, did the same. It might be tedious to relate +these at large; we shall therefore only mention a very remarkable +inveteracy which the Surfeit declared to all the other diseases, +especially to the Fever, who, she said, by the roguery of the porters, +received acknowledgments from numberless passengers which were due to +herself. "Indeed," says she, "those cane-headed fellows" (for so she +called them, alluding, I suppose, to their ticket) "are constantly +making such mistakes; there is no gratitude in those fellows; for I +am sure they have greater obligations to me than to any other disease, +except the Vapors." These relations were no sooner over than one of the +company informed us we were approaching to the most noble building he +had ever beheld, and which we learned from our coachman was the palace +of Death. Its outside, indeed, appeared extremely magnificent. Its +structure was of the Gothic order; vast beyond imagination, the +whole pile consisting of black marble. Rows of immense yews form an +amphitheater round it of such height and thickness that no ray of the +sun ever perforates this grove, where black eternal darkness would reign +was it not excluded by innumerable lamps which are placed in pyramids +round the grove; so that the distant reflection they cast on the palace, +which is plentifully gilt with gold on the outside, is inconceivably +solemn. To this I may add the hollow murmur of winds constantly heard +from the grove, and the very remote sound of roaring waters. Indeed, +every circumstance seems to conspire to fill the mind with horror and +consternation as we approach to this palace, which we had scarce time +to admire before our vehicle stopped at the gate, and we were desired +to alight in order to pay our respects to his most mortal majesty (this +being the title which it seems he assumes). The outward court was full +of soldiers, and, indeed, the whole very much resembled the state of an +earthly monarch, only more magnificent. We passed through several courts +into a vast hall, which led to a spacious staircase, at the bottom of +which stood two pages, with very grave countenances, whom I recollected +afterwards to have formerly been very eminent undertakers, and were in +reality the only dismal faces I saw here; for this palace, so awful and +tremendous without, is all gay and sprightly within; so that we soon +lost all those dismal and gloomy ideas we had contracted in approaching +it. Indeed, the still silence maintained among the guards and attendants +resembled rather the stately pomp of eastern courts; but there was on +every face such symptoms of content and happiness that diffused an air +of cheerfulness all round. We ascended the staircase and passed +through many noble apartments whose walls were adorned with various +battle-pieces in tapistry, and which we spent some time in observing. +These brought to my mind those beautiful ones I had in my lifetime seen +at Blenheim, nor could I prevent my curiosity from inquiring where +the Duke of Marlborough's victories were placed (for I think they were +almost the only battles of any eminence I had read of which I did not +meet with); when the skeleton of a beef-eater, shaking his head, told me +a certain gentleman, one Lewis XIV, who had great interest with his +most mortal majesty, had prevented any such from being hung up there. +"Besides," says he, "his majesty hath no great respect for that duke, +for he never sent him a subject he could keep from him, nor did he ever +get a single subject by his means but he lost 1000 others for him." We +found the presence-chamber at our entrance very full, and a buzz ran +through it, as in all assemblies, before the principal figure enters; +for his majesty was not yet come out. At the bottom of the room were two +persons in close conference, one with a square black cap on his head, +and the other with a robe embroidered with flames of fire. These, I was +informed, were a judge long since dead, and an inquisitor-general. I +overheard them disputing with great eagerness whether the one had hanged +or the other burned the most. While I was listening to this dispute, +which seemed to be in no likelihood of a speedy decision, the emperor +entered the room and placed himself between two figures, one of which +was remarkable for the roughness, and the other for the beauty of his +appearance. These were, it seems, Charles XII of Sweden and Alexander of +Macedon. I was at too great a distance to hear any of the conversation, +so could only satisfy my curiosity by contemplating the several +personages present, of whose names I informed myself by a page, who +looked as pale and meager as any court-page in the other world, but was +somewhat more modest. He showed me here two or three Turkish emperors, +to whom his most mortal majesty seemed to express much civility. Here +were likewise several of the Roman emperors, among whom none seemed so +much caressed as Caligula, on account, as the page told me, of his pious +wish that he could send all the Romans hither at one blow. The reader +may be perhaps surprised that I saw no physicians here; as indeed I +was myself, till informed that they were all departed to the city +of Diseases, where they were busy in an experiment to purge away the +immortality of the soul. + +It would be tedious to recollect the many individuals I saw here, but +I cannot omit a fat figure, well dressed in the French fashion, who +was received with extraordinary complacence by the emperor, and whom I +imagined to be Lewis XIV himself; but the page acquainted me he was +a celebrated French cook. We were at length introduced to the royal +presence, and had the honor to kiss hands. His majesty asked us a few +questions, not very material to relate, and soon after retired. When we +returned into the yard we found our caravan ready to set out, at which +we all declared ourselves well pleased; for we were sufficiently tired +with the formality of a court, notwithstanding its outward splendor and +magnificence. + + + + +CHAPTER V + + The travelers proceed on their journey, and meet several + spirits who are coming into the flesh. + +We now came to the banks of the great river Cocytus, where we quitted +our vehicle, and passed the water in a boat, after which we were obliged +to travel on foot the rest of our journey; and now we met, for the +first time, several passengers traveling to the world we had left, who +informed us they were souls going into the flesh. + +The two first we met were walking arm-in-arm, in very close and friendly +conference; they informed us that one of them was intended for a duke, +and the other for a hackney-coachman. As we had not yet arrived at the +place where we were to deposit our passions, we were all surprised +at the familiarity which subsisted between persons of such different +degrees; nor could the grave lady help expressing her astonishment +at it. The future coachman then replied, with a laugh, that they had +exchanged lots; for that the duke had with his dukedom drawn a shrew for +a wife, and the coachman only a single state. + +As we proceeded on our journey we met a solemn spirit walking alone +with great gravity in his countenance: our curiosity invited us, +notwithstanding his reserve, to ask what lot he had drawn. + +He answered, with a smile, he was to have the reputation of a wise man +with L100,000 in his pocket, and was practicing the solemnity which he +was to act in the other world. A little farther we met a company of very +merry spirits, whom we imagined by their mirth to have drawn some mighty +lot, but, on inquiry, they informed us they were to be beggars. + +The farther we advanced, the greater numbers we met; and now we +discovered two large roads leading different ways, and of very different +appearance; the one all craggy with rocks, full as it seemed of boggy +grounds, and everywhere beset with briars, so that it was impossible to +pass through it without the utmost danger and difficulty; the other, the +most delightful imaginable, leading through the most verdant meadows, +painted and perfumed with all kinds of beautiful flowers; in short, +the most wanton imagination could imagine nothing more lovely. +Notwithstanding which, we were surprised to see great numbers crowding +into the former, and only one or two solitary spirits choosing the +latter. + +On inquiry, we were acquainted that the bad road was the way to +greatness, and the other to goodness. When we expressed our surprise at +the preference given to the former we were acquainted that it was chosen +for the sake of the music of drums and trumpets, and the perpetual +acclamations of the mob, with which those who traveled this way were +constantly saluted. We were told likewise that there were several noble +palaces to be seen, and lodged in, on this road, by those who had passed +through the difficulties of it (which indeed many were not able to +surmount), and great quantities of all sorts of treasure to be found in +it; whereas the other had little inviting more than the beauty of the +way, scarce a handsome building, save one greatly resembling a certain +house by the Bath, to be seen during that whole journey; and, lastly, +that it was thought very scandalous and mean-spirited to travel through +this, and as highly honorable and noble to pass by the other. We now +heard a violent noise, when, casting our eyes forwards, we perceived a +vast number of spirits advancing in pursuit of one whom they mocked +and insulted with all kinds of scorn. I cannot give my reader a more +adequate idea of this scene than by comparing it to an English mob +conducting a pickpocket to the water; or by supposing that an incensed +audience at a playhouse had unhappily possessed themselves of the +miserable damned poet. Some laughed, some hissed, some squalled, some +groaned, some bawled, some spit at him, some threw dirt at him. It was +impossible not to ask who or what the wretched spirit was whom they +treated in this barbarous manner; when, to our great surprise, we were +informed that it was a king: we were likewise told that this manner +of behavior was usual among the spirits to those who drew the lots of +emperors, kings, and other great men, not from envy or anger, but mere +derision and contempt of earthly grandeur; that nothing was more common +than for those who had drawn these great prizes (as to us they seemed) +to exchange them with tailors and cobblers; and that Alexander the +Great and Diogenes had formerly done so; he that was afterwards Diogenes +having originally fallen on the lot of Alexander. And now, on a sudden, +the mockery ceased, and the king-spirit, having obtained a hearing, +began to speak as follows; for we were now near enough to hear him +distinctly:-- + +"GENTLEMEN,--I am justly surprised at your treating me in this manner, +since whatever lot I have drawn, I did not choose: if, therefore, it +be worthy of derision, you should compassionate me, for it might have +fallen to any of your shares. I know in how low a light the station to +which fate hath assigned me is considered here, and that, when ambition +doth not support it, it becomes generally so intolerable, that there +is scarce any other condition for which it is not gladly exchanged: for +what portion, in the world to which we are going, is so miserable as +that of care? Should I therefore consider myself as become by this lot +essentially your superior, and of a higher order of being than the rest +of my fellow-creatures; should I foolishly imagine myself without wisdom +superior to the wise, without knowledge to the learned, without courage +to the brave, and without goodness and virtue to the good and virtuous; +surely so preposterous, so absurd a pride, would justly render me the +object of ridicule. But far be it from me to entertain it. And yet, +gentlemen, I prize the lot I have drawn, nor would I exchange it with +any of yours, seeing it is in my eye so much greater than the rest. +Ambition, which I own myself possessed of, teaches me this; ambition, +which makes me covet praise, assures me that I shall enjoy a much larger +proportion of it than can fall within your power either to deserve or +obtain. I am then superior to you all, when I am able to do more good, +and when I execute that power. What the father is to the son, the +guardian to the orphan, or the patron to his client, that am I to you. +You are my children, to whom I will be a father, a guardian, and a +patron. Not one evening in my long reign (for so it is to be) will +I repose myself to rest without the glorious, the heart-warming +consideration, that thousands that night owe their sweetest rest to me. +What a delicious fortune is it to him whose strongest appetite is doing +good, to have every day the opportunity and the power of satisfying it! +If such a man hath ambition, how happy is it for him to be seated so on +high, that every act blazes abroad, and attracts to him praises tainted +with neither sarcasm nor adulation, but such as the nicest and most +delicate mind may relish! Thus, therefore, while you derive your good +from me, I am your superior. If to my strict distribution of justice +you owe the safety of your property from domestic enemies; if by my +vigilance and valor you are protected from foreign foes; if by my +encouragement of genuine industry, every science, every art which can +embellish or sweeten life, is produced and flourishes among you; will +any of you be so insensible or ungrateful as to deny praise and respect +to him by whose care and conduct you enjoy these blessings? I wonder not +at the censure which so frequently falls on those in my station; but I +wonder that those in my station so frequently deserve it. What strange +perverseness of nature! What wanton delight in mischief must taint his +composition, who prefers dangers, difficulty, and disgrace, by doing +evil, to safety, ease, and honor, by doing good! who refuses happiness +in the other world, and heaven in this, for misery there and hell here! +But, be assured, my intentions are different. I shall always endeavor +the ease, the happiness, and the glory of my people, being confident +that, by so doing, I take the most certain method of procuring them +all to myself."--He then struck directly into the road of goodness, +and received such a shout of applause as I never remember to have +heard equaled. He was gone a little way when a spirit limped after him, +swearing he would fetch him back. + +This spirit, I was presently informed, was one who had drawn the lot of +his prime minister. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + + An account of the wheel of fortune, with a method of + preparing a spirit for this world. + +We now proceeded on our journey, without staying to see whether he +fulfilled his word or no; and without encountering anything worth +mentioning, came to the place where the spirits on their passage to the +other world were obliged to decide by lot the station in which every +one was to act there. Here was a monstrous wheel, infinitely larger than +those in which I had formerly seen lottery-tickets deposited. This was +called the WHEEL OF FORTUNE. + +The goddess herself was present. She was one of the most deformed +females I ever beheld; nor could I help observing the frowns she +expressed when any beautiful spirit of her own sex passed by her, nor +the affability which smiled in her countenance on the approach of any +handsome male spirits. Hence I accounted for the truth of an observation +I had often made on earth, that nothing is more fortunate than handsome +men, nor more unfortunate than handsome women. The reader may be perhaps +pleased with an account of the whole method of equipping a spirit for +his entrance into the flesh. + +First, then, he receives from a very sage person, whose look much +resembled that of an apothecary (his warehouse likewise bearing an +affinity to an apothecary's shop), a small phial inscribed, THE PATHETIC +POTION, to be taken just before you are born. This potion is a mixture +of all the passions, but in no exact proportion, so that sometimes one +predominates, and sometimes another; nay, often in the hurry of making +up, one particular ingredient is, as we were informed, left out. The +spirit receiveth at the same time another medicine called the NOUSPHORIC +DECOCTION, of which he is to drink ad libitum. This decoction is an +extract from the faculties of the mind, sometimes extremely strong and +spirituous, and sometimes altogether as weak; for very little care is +taken in the preparation. This decoction is so extremely bitter and +unpleasant, that, notwithstanding its wholesomeness, several spirits +will not be persuaded to swallow a drop of it, but throw it away, or +give it to any other who will receive it; by which means some who were +not disgusted by the nauseousness drank double and treble portions. +I observed a beautiful young female, who, tasting it immediately from +curiosity, screwed up her face and cast it from her with great disdain, +whence advancing presently to the wheel, she drew a coronet, which +she clapped up so eagerly that I could not distinguish the degree; and +indeed I observed several of the same sex, after a very small sip, throw +the bottles away. As soon as the spirit is dismissed by the operator, +or apothecary, he is at liberty to approach the wheel, where he hath a +right to extract a single lot: but those whom Fortune favors she permits +sometimes secretly to draw three or four. I observed a comical kind of +figure who drew forth a handful, which, when he opened, were a bishop, +a general, a privy-counselor, a player, and a poet-laureate, and, +returning the three first, he walked off, smiling, with the two last. +Every single lot contained two more articles, which were generally +disposed so as to render the lots as equal as possible to each other; on +one was written, EARL, RICHES, HEALTH, DISQUIETUDE; on another, COBLER, +SICKNESS, GOOD-HUMOR; on a third, POET, CONTEMPT, SELF-SATISFACTION; on +a fourth, GENERAL, HONOR, DISCONTENT; on a fifth, COTTAGE, HAPPY LOVE; +on a sixth, COACH AND SIX, IMPOTENT JEALOUS HUSBAND; on a seventh, +PRIME MINISTER, DISGRACE; on an eighth, PATRIOT, GLORY; on a ninth, +PHILOSOPHER, POVERTY, EASE; on a tenth, MERCHANT, RICHES, CARE. And +indeed the whole seemed to contain such a mixture of good and evil, that +it would have puzzled me which to choose. I must not omit here that +in every lot was directed whether the drawer should marry or remain in +celibacy, the married lots being all marked with a large pair of horns. +We were obliged, before we quitted this place, to take each of us an +emetic from the apothecary, which immediately purged us of all our +earthly passions, and presently the cloud forsook our eyes, as it doth +those of Aeneas in Virgil, when removed by Venus; and we discerned +things in a much clearer light than before. We began to compassionate +those spirits who were making their entry into the flesh, whom we had +till then secretly envied, and to long eagerly for those delightful +plains which now opened themselves to our eyes, and to which we now +hastened with the utmost eagerness. On our way we met with several +spirits with very dejected countenances; but our expedition would not +suffer us to ask any questions. At length we arrived at the gate of +Elysium. Here was a prodigious crowd of spirits waiting for admittance, +some of whom were admitted, and some were rejected; for all were +strictly examined by the porter, whom I soon discovered to be the +celebrated judge Minos. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + + The proceedings of judge Minos at the gate of Elysium. + +I now got near enough to the gate to hear the several claims of those +who endeavored to pass. The first among other pretensions, set forth +that he had been very liberal to an hospital; but Minos answered, +"Ostentation," and repulsed him. The second exhibited that he had +constantly frequented his church, been a rigid observer of fast-days: he +likewise represented the great animosity he had shown to vice in others, +which never escaped his severest censure; and as to his own behavior, he +had never been once guilty of whoring, drinking, gluttony, or any other +excess. He said he had disinherited his son for getting a bastard. "Have +you so?" said Minos; "then pray return into the other world and beget +another; for such an unnatural rascal shall never pass this gate." A +dozen others, who had advanced with very confident countenances, seeing +him rejected, turned about of their own accord, declaring, if he could +not pass, they had no expectation, and accordingly they followed him +back to earth; which was the fate of all who were repulsed, they being +obliged to take a further purification, unless those who were guilty +of some very heinous crimes, who were hustled in at a little back gate, +whence they tumbled immediately into the bottomless pit. + +The next spirit that came up declared he had done neither good nor evil +in the world; for that since his arrival at man's estate he had spent +his whole time in search of curiosities; and particularly in the study +of butterflies, of which he had collected an immense number. Minos made +him no answer, but with great scorn pushed him back. There now advanced +a very beautiful spirit indeed. She began to ogle Minos the moment she +saw him. She said she hoped there was some merit in refusing a great +number of lovers, and dying a maid, though she had had the choice of +a hundred. Minos told her she had not refused enow yet, and turned her +back. + +She was succeeded by a spirit who told the judge he believed his works +would speak for him. "What works?" answered Minos. "My dramatic works," +replied the other, "which have done so much good in recommending virtue +and punishing vice." "Very well," said the judge; "if you please to +stand by, the first person who passes the gate by your means shall +carry you in with him; but, if you will take my advice, I think, for +expedition sake, you had better return, and live another life upon +earth." The bard grumbled at this, and replied that, besides his +poetical works, he had done some other good things: for that he had once +lent the whole profits of a benefit-night to a friend, and by that means +had saved him and his family from destruction. Upon this the gate flew +open, and Minos desired him to walk in, telling him, if he had mentioned +this at first, he might have spared the remembrance of his plays. The +poet answered, he believed, if Minos had read his works, he would set a +higher value on them. He was then beginning to repeat, but Minos pushed +him forward, and, turning his back to him, applied himself to the next +passenger, a very genteel spirit, who made a very low bow to Minos, and +then threw himself into an erect attitude, and imitated the motion of +taking snuff with his right hand. Minos asked him what he had to say +for himself. He answered, he would dance a minuet with any spirit in +Elysium: that he could likewise perform all his other exercises very +well, and hoped he had in his life deserved the character of a perfect +fine gentleman. Minos replied it would be great pity to rob the world of +so fine a gentleman, and therefore desired him to take the other trip. +The beau bowed, thanked the judge, and said he desired no better. + +Several spirits expressed much astonishment at this his satisfaction; +but we were afterwards informed he had not taken the emetic above +mentioned. + +A miserable old spirit now crawled forwards, whose face I thought I had +formerly seen near Westminster Abbey. He entertained Minos with a long +harangue of what he had done when in the HOUSE; and then proceeded to +inform him how much he was worth, without attempting to produce a +single instance of any one good action. Minos stopped the career of his +discourse, and acquainted him he must take a trip back again. + +"What! to S---- house?" said the spirit in an ecstasy; but the judge, +without making him any answer, turned to another, who with a very +solemn air and great dignity, acquainted him he was a duke. "To the +right-about, Mr. Duke," cried Minos, "you are infinitely too great a +man for Elysium;" and then, giving him a kick on the b--ch, he addressed +himself to a spirit who, with fear and trembling, begged he might not +go to the bottomless pit: he said he hoped Minos would consider that, +though he had gone astray, he had suffered for it--that it was necessity +which drove him to the robbery of eighteenpence, which he had committed, +and for which he was hanged--that he had done some good actions in his +life--that he had supported an aged parent with his labor--that he had +been a very tender husband and a kind father--and that he had ruined +himself by being bail for his friend. At which words the gate opened, +and Minos bade him enter, giving him a slap on the back as he passed by +him. A great number of spirits now came forwards, who all declared +they had the same claim, and that the captain should speak for them. +He acquainted the judge that they had been all slain in the service of +their country. Minos was going to admit them, but had the curiosity to +ask who had been the invader, in order, as he said, to prepare the +back gate for him. The captain answered they had been the invaders +themselves--that they had entered the enemy's country, and burned and +plundered several cities. "And for what reason?" said Minos. "By the +command of him who paid us," said the captain; "that is the reason of a +soldier. We are to execute whatever we are commanded, or we should be a +disgrace to the army, and very little deserve our pay." "You are brave +fellows indeed," said Minos; "but be pleased to face about, and obey my +command for once, in returning back to the other world: for what should +such fellows as you do where there are no cities to be burned, nor +people to be destroyed? But let me advise you to have a stricter regard +to truth for the future, and not call the depopulating other countries +the service of your own." The captain answered, in a rage, "D--n me! do +you give me the lie?" and was going to take Minos by the nose had +not his guards prevented him, and immediately turned him and all his +followers back the same road they came. + +Four spirits informed the judge that they had been starved to death +through poverty--being the father, mother, and two children; that +they had been honest and as industrious as possible, till sickness had +prevented the man from labor. "All that is very true," cried a grave +spirit who stood by. "I know the fact; for these poor people were under +my cure." "You was, I suppose, the parson of the parish," cries Minos; +"I hope you had a good living, sir." "That was but a small one," replied +the spirit; "but I had another a little better."--"Very well," said +Minos; "let the poor people pass." At which the parson was stepping +forwards with a stately gait before them; but Minos caught hold of him +and pulled him back, saying, "Not so fast, doctor--you must take one +step more into the other world first; for no man enters that gate +without charity." A very stately figure now presented himself, and, +informing Minos he was a patriot, began a very florid harangue on public +virtue and the liberties of his country. Upon which Minos showed him the +utmost respect, and ordered the gate to be opened. The patriot was not +contented with this applause; he said he had behaved as well in place +as he had done in the opposition; and that, though he was now obliged +to embrace the court measures, yet he had behaved very honestly to his +friends, and brought as many in as was possible. "Hold a moment," says +Minos: "on second consideration, Mr. Patriot, I think a man of your +great virtue and abilities will be so much missed by your country, that, +if I might advise you, you should take a journey back again. I am +sure you will not decline it; for I am certain you will, with great +readiness, sacrifice your own happiness to the public good." The patriot +smiled, and told Minos he believed he was in jest; and was offering to +enter the gate, but the judge laid fast hold of him and insisted on his +return, which the patriot still declining, he at last ordered his guards +to seize him and conduct him back. + +A spirit now advanced, and the gate was immediately thrown open to him +before he had spoken a word. I heard some whisper, "That is our last +lord mayor." + +It now came to our company's turn. The fair spirit which I mentioned +with so much applause in the beginning of my journey passed through very +easily; but the grave lady was rejected on her first appearance, Minos +declaring there was not a single prude in Elysium. + +The judge then addressed himself to me, who little expected to pass this +fiery trial. I confessed I had indulged myself very freely with wine and +women in my youth, but had never done an injury to any man living, nor +avoided an opportunity of doing good; that I pretended to very little +virtue more than general philanthropy and private friendship. I was +proceeding, when Minos bade me enter the gate, and not indulge myself +with trumpeting forth my virtues. I accordingly passed forward with my +lovely companion, and, embracing her with vast eagerness, but spiritual +innocence, she returned my embrace in the same manner, and we both +congratulated ourselves on our arrival in this happy region, whose +beauty no painting of the imagination can describe. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + The adventures which the author met on his first entrance + into Elysium. + +We pursued our way through a delicious grove of orange-trees, where I +saw infinite numbers of spirits, every one of whom I knew, and was known +by them (for spirits here know one another by intuition). I presently +met a little daughter whom I had lost several years before. Good gods! +what words can describe the raptures, the melting passionate tenderness, +with which we kissed each other, continuing in our embrace, with the +most ecstatic joy, a space which, if time had been measured here as on +earth, could not be less than half a year. + +The first spirit with whom I entered into discourse was the famous +Leonidas of Sparta. I acquainted him with the honors which had been done +him by a celebrated poet of our nation; to which he answered he was very +much obliged to him. We were presently afterwards entertained with the +most delicious voice I had ever heard, accompanied by a violin, equal to +Signior Piantinida. I presently discovered the musician and songster to +be Orpheus and Sappho. + +Old Homer was present at this concert (if I may so call it), and Madam +Dacier sat in his lap. He asked much after Mr. Pope, and said he was +very desirous of seeing him; for that he had read his Iliad in his +translation with almost as much delight as he believed he had given +others in the original. I had the curiosity to inquire whether he had +really writ that poem in detached pieces, and sung it about as ballads +all over Greece, according to the report which went of him. He smiled at +my question, and asked me whether there appeared any connection in +the poem; for if there did he thought I might answer myself. I then +importuned him to acquaint me in which of the cities which contended for +the honor of his birth he was really born? To which he answered, "Upon +my soul I can't tell." + +Virgil then came up to me, with Mr. Addison under his arm. "Well, sir," +said he, "how many translations have these few last years produced of +my Aeneid?" I told him I believed several, but I could not possibly +remember; for that I had never read any but Dr. Trapp's. "Ay," said +he, "that is a curious piece indeed!" I then acquainted him with the +discovery made by Mr. Warburton of the Elusinian mysteries couched in +his sixth book. "What mysteries?" said Mr. Addison. "The Elusinian," +answered Virgil, "which I have disclosed in my sixth book." "How!" +replied Addison. "You never mentioned a word of any such mysteries to +me in all our acquaintance." "I thought it was unnecessary," cried the +other, "to a man of your infinite learning: besides, you always told +me you perfectly understood my meaning." Upon this I thought the critic +looked a little out of countenance, and turned aside to a very merry +spirit, one Dick Steele, who embraced him, and told him he had been the +greatest man upon earth; that he readily resigned up all the merit of +his own works to him. Upon which Addison gave him a gracious smile, and, +clapping him on the back with much solemnity, cried out, "Well said, +Dick!" + +I then observed Shakespeare standing between Betterton and Booth, and +deciding a difference between those two great actors concerning the +placing an accent in one of his lines: this was disputed on both sides +with a warmth which surprised me in Elysium, till I discovered by +intuition that every soul retained its principal characteristic, being, +indeed, its very essence. The line was that celebrated one in Othello-- + +PUT OUT THE LIGHT, AND THEN PUT OUT THE LIGHT. according to Betterton. +Mr. Booth contended to have it thus:-- + +Put out the light, and then put out THE light. I could not help offering +my conjecture on this occasion, and suggested it might perhaps be-- + +Put out the light, and then put out THY light. Another hinted a reading +very sophisticated in my opinion-- + +Put out the light, and then put out THEE, light, making light to be the +vocative case. Another would have altered the last word, and read-- + +PUT OUT THY LIGHT, AND THEN PUT OUT THY SIGHT. But Betterton said, if +the text was to be disturbed, he saw no reason why a word might not be +changed as well as a letter, and, instead of "put out thy light," you +may read "put out thy eyes." At last it was agreed on all sides to refer +the matter to the decision of Shakespeare himself, who delivered his +sentiments as follows: "Faith, gentlemen, it is so long since I wrote +the line, I have forgot my meaning. This I know, could I have dreamed +so much nonsense would have been talked and writ about it, I would +have blotted it out of my works; for I am sure, if any of these be my +meaning, it doth me very little honor." + +He was then interrogated concerning some other ambiguous passages in his +works; but he declined any satisfactory answer; saying, if Mr. Theobald +had not writ about it sufficiently, there were three or four more new +editions of his plays coming out, which he hoped would satisfy every +one: concluding, "I marvel nothing so much as that men will gird +themselves at discovering obscure beauties in an author. Certes the +greatest and most pregnant beauties are ever the plainest and most +evidently striking; and when two meanings of a passage can in the +least balance our judgments which to prefer, I hold it matter of +unquestionable certainty that neither of them is worth a farthing." +From his works our conversation turned on his monument; upon which, +Shakespeare, shaking his sides, and addressing himself to Milton, cried +out, "On my word, brother Milton, they have brought a noble set of poets +together; they would have been hanged erst have [ere they had] convened +such a company at their tables when alive." "True, brother," answered +Milton, "unless we had been as incapable of eating then as we are now." + + + + +CHAPTER IX + + More adventures in Elysium. + +A crowd of spirits now joined us, whom I soon perceived to be the +heroes, who here frequently pay their respects to the several bards the +recorders of their actions. I now saw Achilles and Ulysses addressing +themselves to Homer, and Aeneas and Julius Caesar to Virgil: Adam went +up to Milton, upon which I whispered Mr. Dryden that I thought the devil +should have paid his compliments there, according to his opinion. Dryden +only answered, "I believe the devil was in me when I said so." Several +applied themselves to Shakespeare, amongst whom Henry V made a very +distinguishing appearance. While my eyes were fixed on that monarch a +very small spirit came up to me, shook me heartily by the hand, and told +me his name was THOMAS THUMB. I expressed great satisfaction in seeing +him, nor could I help speaking my resentment against the historian, who +had done such injustice to the stature of this great little man, which +he represented to be no bigger than a span, whereas I plainly perceived +at first sight he was full a foot and a half (and the 37th part of an +inch more, as he himself informed me), being indeed little shorter than +some considerable beaux of the present age. I asked this little hero +concerning the truth of those stories related of him, viz., of the +pudding, and the cow's belly. As to the former, he said it was a +ridiculous legend, worthy to be laughed at; but as to the latter, he +could not help owning there was some truth in it: nor had he any reason +to be ashamed of it, as he was swallowed by surprise; adding, with great +fierceness, that if he had had any weapon in his hand the cow should +have as soon swallowed the devil. + +He spoke the last word with so much fury, and seemed so confounded, +that, perceiving the effect it had on him, I immediately waived the +story, and, passing to other matters, we had much conversation touching +giants. He said, so far from killing any, he had never seen one alive; +that he believed those actions were by mistake recorded of him, instead +of Jack the giant-killer, whom he knew very well, and who had, he +fancied, extirpated the race. I assured him to the contrary, and told +him I had myself seen a huge tame giant, who very complacently stayed in +London a whole winter, at the special request of several gentlemen and +ladies; though the affairs of his family called him home to Sweden. + +I now beheld a stern-looking spirit leaning on the shoulder of another +spirit, and presently discerned the former to be Oliver Cromwell, and +the latter Charles Martel. I own I was a little surprised at seeing +Cromwell here, for I had been taught by my grandmother that he was +carried away by the devil himself in a tempest; but he assured me, on +his honor, there was not the least truth in that story. However, he +confessed he had narrowly escaped the bottomless pit; and, if the former +part of his conduct had not been more to his honor than the latter, he +had been certainly soused into it. He was, nevertheless, sent back to +the upper world with this lot:--ARMY, CAVALIER, DISTRESS. + +He was born, for the second time, the day of Charles II's restoration, +into a family which had lost a very considerable fortune in the service +of that prince and his father, for which they received the reward very +often conferred by princes on real merit, viz.--000. At 16 his father +bought a small commission for him in the army, in which he served +without any promotion all the reigns of Charles II and of his brother. +At the Revolution he quitted his regiment, and followed the fortunes +of his former master, and was in his service dangerously wounded at the +famous battle of the Boyne, where he fought in the capacity of a private +soldier. He recovered of this wound, and retired after the unfortunate +king to Paris, where he was reduced to support a wife and seven children +(for his lot had horns in it) by cleaning shoes and snuffing candles at +the opera. In which situation, after he had spent a few miserable years, +he died half-starved and broken-hearted. He then revisited Minos, who, +compassionating his sufferings by means of that family, to whom he had +been in his former capacity so bitter an enemy, suffered him to enter +here. + +My curiosity would not refrain asking him one question, i. e., whether +in reality he had any desire to obtain the crown? He smiled, and said, +"No more than an ecclesiastic hath to the miter, when he cries Nolo +episcopari." Indeed, he seemed to express some contempt at the question, +and presently turned away. + +A venerable spirit appeared next, whom I found to be the great historian +Livy. Alexander the Great, who was just arrived from the palace of +death, passed by him with a frown. The historian, observing it, said, +"Ay, you may frown; but those troops which conquered the base Asiatic +slaves would have made no figure against the Romans." We then privately +lamented the loss of the most valuable part of his history; after which +he took occasion to commend the judicious collection made by Mr. Hook, +which, he said, was infinitely preferable to all others; and at my +mentioning Echard's he gave a bounce, not unlike the going off of +a squib, and was departing from me, when I begged him to satisfy my +curiosity in one point--whether he was really superstitious or no? For +I had always believed he was till Mr. Leibnitz had assured me to the +contrary. He answered sullenly, "Doth Mr. Leibnitz know my mind better +than myself?" and then walked away. + + + + +CHAPTER X + + The author is surprised at meeting Julian the apostate in + Elysium; but is satisfied by him by what means he procured + his entrance there. Julian relates his adventures in the + character of a slave. + +As he was departing I heard him salute a spirit by the name of Mr. +Julian the apostate. This exceedingly amazed me; for I had concluded +that no man ever had a better title to the bottomless pit than he. But +I soon found that this same Julian the apostate was also the very +individual archbishop Latimer. He told me that several lies had been +raised on him in his former capacity, nor was he so bad a man as he had +been represented. However, he had been denied admittance, and forced +to undergo several subsequent pilgrimages on earth, and to act in the +different characters of a slave, a Jew, a general, an heir, a carpenter, +a beau, a monk, a fiddler, a wise man, a king, a fool, a beggar, a +prince, a statesman, a soldier, a tailor, an alderman, a poet, a knight, +a dancing-master, and three times a bishop, before his martyrdom, which, +together with his other behavior in this last character, satisfied the +judge, and procured him a passage to the blessed regions. + +I told him such various characters must have produced incidents +extremely entertaining; and if he remembered all, as I supposed he did, +and had leisure, I should be obliged to him for the recital. He answered +he perfectly recollected every circumstance; and as to leisure, the only +business of that happy place was to contribute to the happiness of each +other. He therefore thanked me for adding to his, in proposing to him +a method of increasing mine. I then took my little darling in one hand, +and my favorite fellow-traveler in the other, and, going with him to +a sunny bank of flowers, we all sat down, and he began as follows:--"I +suppose you are sufficiently acquainted with my story during the time I +acted the part of the emperor Julian, though I assure you all which hath +been related of me is not true, particularly with regard to the many +prodigies forerunning my death. However, they are now very little worth +disputing; and if they can serve any purpose of the historian they +are extremely at his service. My next entrance into the world was at +Laodicea, in Syria, in a Roman family of no great note; and, being of +a roving disposition, I came at the age of seventeen to Constantinople, +where, after about a year's stay, I set out for Thrace, at the time when +the emperor Valens admitted the Goths into that country. I was there so +captivated with the beauty of a Gothic lady, the wife of one Rodoric, a +captain, whose name, out of the most delicate tenderness for her lovely +sex, I shall even at this distance conceal; since her behavior to me was +more consistent with good-nature than with that virtue which women are +obliged to preserve against every assailant. In order to procure an +intimacy with this woman I sold myself a slave to her husband, who, +being of a nation not over-inclined to jealousy, presented me to his +wife, for those very reasons which would have induced one of a jealous +complexion to have withheld me from her, namely, for that I was young +and handsome. + +"Matters succeeded so far according to my wish, and the sequel answered +those hopes which this beginning had raised. I soon perceived my service +was very acceptable to her; I often met her eyes, nor did she withdraw +them without a confusion which is scarce consistent with entire purity +of heart. Indeed, she gave me every day fresh encouragement; but the +unhappy distance which circumstances had placed between us deterred me +long from making any direct attack; and she was too strict an observer +of decorum to violate the severe rules of modesty by advancing first; +but passion at last got the better of my respect, and I resolved to make +one bold attempt, whatever was the consequence. Accordingly, laying hold +of the first kind opportunity, when she was alone and my master abroad, +I stoutly assailed the citadel and carried it by storm. Well may I say +by storm; for the resistance I met was extremely resolute, and indeed +as much as the most perfect decency would require. She swore often she +would cry out for help; but I answered it was in vain, seeing there was +no person near to assist her; and probably she believed me, for she did +not once actually cry out, which if she had, I might very likely have +been prevented. + +"When she found her virtue thus subdued against her will she patiently +submitted to her fate, and quietly suffered me a long time to enjoy the +most delicious fruits of my victory; but envious fortune resolved to +make me pay a dear price for my pleasure. One day in the midst of our +happiness we were suddenly surprised by the unexpected return of her +husband, who, coming directly into his wife's apartment, just allowed +me time to creep under the bed. The disorder in which he found his wife +might have surprised a jealous temper; but his was so far otherwise, +that possibly no mischief might have happened had he not by a cross +accident discovered my legs, which were not well hid. He immediately +drew me out by them, and then, turning to his wife with a stern +countenance, began to handle a weapon he wore by his side, with which +I am persuaded he would have instantly dispatched her, had I not very +gallantly, and with many imprecations, asserted her innocence and my +own guilt; which, however, I protested had hitherto gone no farther than +design. She so well seconded my plea (for she was a woman of wonderful +art), that he was at length imposed upon; and now all his rage was +directed against me, threatening all manner of tortures, which the +poor lady was in too great a fright and confusion to dissuade him from +executing; and perhaps, if her concern for me had made her attempt it, +it would have raised a jealousy in him not afterwards to be removed. + +"After some hesitation Roderic cried out he had luckily hit on the most +proper punishment for me in the world, by a method which would at once +do severe justice on me for my criminal intention, and at the same time +prevent me from any danger of executing my wicked purpose hereafter. +This cruel resolution was immediately executed, and I was no longer +worthy the name of a man. + +"Having thus disqualified me from doing him any future injury, he still +retained me in his family; but the lady, very probably repenting of what +she had done, and looking on me as the author of her guilt, would never +for the future give me either a kind word or look: and shortly after, a +great exchange being made between the Romans and the Goths of dogs for +men, my lady exchanged me with a Roman widow for a small lap-dog, giving +a considerable sum of money to boot. + +"In this widow's service I remained seven years, during all which time I +was very barbarously treated. I was worked without the least mercy, and +often severely beat by a swinging maid-servant, who never called me by +any other names than those of the Thing and the Animal. Though I used +my utmost industry to please, it never was in my power. Neither the lady +nor her woman would eat anything I touched, saying they did not believe +me wholesome. It is unnecessary to repeat particulars; in a word, you +can imagine no kind of ill usage which I did not suffer in this family. + +"At last an heathen priest, an acquaintance of my lady's, obtained me of +her for a present. The scene was now totally changed, and I had as much +reason to be satisfied with my present situation as I had to lament my +former. I was so absolutely my master's favorite, that the rest of the +slaves paid me almost as much regard as they showed to him, well knowing +that it was entirely in my power to command and treat them as I pleased. +I was intrusted with all my master's secrets, and used to assist him in +privately conveying away by night the sacrifices from the altars, which +the people believed the deities themselves devoured. Upon these we +feasted very elegantly, nor could invention suggest a rarity which we +did not pamper ourselves with. Perhaps you may admire at the close union +between this priest and his slave, but we lived in an intimacy which +the Christians thought criminal; but my master, who knew the will of +the gods, with whom he told me he often conversed, assured me it was +perfectly innocent. + +"This happy life continued about four years, when my master's death, +occasioned by a surfeit got by overfeeding on several exquisite +dainties, put an end to it. + +"I now fell into the hands of one of a very different disposition, and +this was no other than the celebrated St. Chrysostom, who dieted me with +sermons instead of sacrifices, and filled my ears with good things, but +not my belly. Instead of high food to fatten and pamper my flesh, I had +receipts to mortify and reduce it. With these I edified so well, that +within a few months I became a skeleton. However, as he had converted +me to his faith, I was well enough satisfied with this new manner of +living, by which he taught me I might insure myself an eternal reward in +a future state. The saint was a good-natured man, and never gave me +an ill word but once, which was occasioned by my neglecting to place +Aristophanes, which was his constant bedfellow, on his pillow. He was, +indeed, extremely fond of that Greek poet, and frequently made me read +his comedies to him. When I came to any of the loose passages he would +smile, and say, 'It was pity his matter was not as pure as his style;' +of which latter he was so immoderately fond that, notwithstanding the +detestation he expressed for obscenity, he hath made me repeat those +passages ten times over. The character of this good man hath been very +unjustly attacked by his heathen contemporaries, particularly with +regard to women; but his severe invectives against that sex are his +sufficient justification. + +"From the service of this saint, from whom I received manumission, I +entered into the family of Timasius, a leader of great eminence in +the imperial army, into whose favor I so far insinuated myself that he +preferred me to a good command, and soon made me partaker of both his +company and his secrets. I soon grew intoxicated with this preferment, +and the more he loaded me with benefits the more he raised my opinion of +my own merit, which, still outstripping the rewards he conferred on me, +inspired me rather with dissatisfaction than gratitude. And thus, +by preferring me beyond my merit or first expectation, he made me an +envious aspiring enemy, whom perhaps a more moderate bounty would have +preserved a dutiful servant. + +"I fell now acquainted with one Lucilius, a creature of the prime +minister Eutropius, who had by his favor been raised to the post of +a tribune; a man of low morals, and eminent only in that meanest of +qualities, cunning. This gentleman, imagining me a fit tool for the +minister's purpose, having often sounded my principles of honor and +honesty, both which he declared to me were words without meaning, +and finding my ready concurrence in his sentiments, recommended me +to Eutropius as very proper to execute some wicked purposes he had +contrived against my frend Timasius. The minister embraced this +recommendation, and I was accordingly acquainted by Lucilius (after some +previous accounts of the great esteem Eutropius entertained of me, from +the testimony he had borne of my parts) that he would introduce me to +him; adding that he was a great encourager of merit, and that I might +depend upon his favor. + +"I was with little difficulty prevailed on to accept of this invitation. +A late hour therefore the next evening being appointed, I attended my +friend Lucilius to the minister's house. + +"He received me with the utmost civility and cheerfulness, and affected +so much regard to me, that I, who knew nothing of these high scenes of +life, concluded I had in him a most disinterested friend, owing to the +favorable report which Lucilius had made of me. I was however soon cured +of this opinion; for immediately after supper our discourse turned on +the injustice which the generality of the world were guilty of in their +conduct to great men, expecting that they should reward their private +merit, without ever endeavoring to apply it to their use. 'What avail,' +said Eutropius, 'the learning, wit, courage, or any virtue which a man +may be possessed of, to me, unless I receive some benefit from them? +Hath he not more merit to me who doth my business and obeys my commands, +without any of these qualities?' I gave such entire satisfaction in +my answers on this head, that both the minister and his creature grew +bolder, and after some preface began to accuse Timasius. At last, +finding I did not attempt to defend him, Lucilius swore a great oath +that he was not fit to live, and that he would destroy him. Eutropius +answered that it would be too dangerous a task: 'Indeed,' says he, 'his +crimes are of so black a dye, and so well known to the emperor, that his +death must be a very acceptable service, and could not fail meeting a +proper reward: but I question whether you are capable of executing +it.' 'If he is not,' cried I, 'I am; and surely no man can have greater +motives to destroy him than myself: for, besides his disloyalty to my +prince, for whom I have so perfect a duty, I have private disobligations +to him. I have had fellows put over my head, to the great scandal of +the service in general, and to my own prejudice and disappointment +in particular.' I will not repeat you my whole speech; but, to be as +concise as possible, when we parted that evening the minister squeezed +me heartily by the hand, and with great commendation of my honesty and +assurances of his favor, he appointed me the next evening to come to +him alone; when, finding me, after a little more scrutiny, ready for his +purpose, he proposed to me to accuse Timasius of high treason, promising +me the highest rewards if I would undertake it. The consequence to him, +I suppose you know, was ruin; but what was it to me? Why, truly, when +I waited on Eutropius for the fulfilling his promises, received me +with great distance and coldness; and, on my dropping some hints of +my expectations from him, he affected not to understand me; saying +he thought impunity was the utmost I could hope for on discovering my +accomplice, whose offense was only greater than mine, as he was in +a higher station; and telling me he had great difficulty to obtain a +pardon for me from the emperor, which he said, he had struggled very +hardly for, as he had worked the discovery out of me. He turned away, +and addressed himself to another person. + +"I was so incensed at this treatment, that I resolved revenge, and +should certainly have pursued it, had he not cautiously prevented me by +taking effectual means to despatch me soon after out of the world. + +"You will, I believe, now think I had a second good chance for the +bottomless pit, and indeed Minos seemed inclined to tumble me in, till +he was informed of the revenge taken on me by Roderic, and my seven +years' subsequent servitude to the widow; which he thought sufficient to +make atonement for all the crimes a single life could admit of, and so +sent me back to try my fortune a third time." + + + + +CHAPTER XI + + In which Julian relates his adventures in the character of + an avaricious Jew. + +"The next character in which I was destined to appear in the flesh was +that of an avaricious Jew. I was born in Alexandria in Egypt. My name +was Balthazar. Nothing very remarkable happened to me till the year +of the memorable tumult in which the Jews of that city are reported in +history to have massacred more Christians than at that time dwelt in it. +Indeed, the truth is, they did maul the dogs pretty handsomely; but I +myself was not present, for as all our people were ordered to be armed, +I took that opportunity of selling two swords, which probably I might +otherwise never have disposed of, they being extremely old and rusty; so +that, having no weapon left, I did not care to venture abroad. Besides, +though I really thought it an act meriting salvation to murder the +Nazarenes, as the fact was to be committed at midnight, at which time, +to avoid suspicion, we were all to sally from our own houses, I could +not persuade myself to consume so much oil in sitting up to that hour: +for these reasons therefore I remained at home that evening. + +"I was at this time greatly enamored with one Hypatia, the daughter of a +philosopher; a young lady of the greatest beauty and merit: indeed, she +had every imaginable ornament both of mind and body. She seemed not +to dislike my person; but there were two obstructions to our marriage, +viz., my religion and her poverty: both which might probably have been +got over, had not those dogs the Christians murdered her; and, what is +worse, afterwards burned her body: worse, I say, because I lost by that +means a jewel of some value, which I had presented to her, designing, if +our nuptials did not take place, to demand it of her back again. + +"Being thus disappointed in my love, I soon after left Alexandria and +went to the imperial city, where I apprehended I should find a good +market for jewels on the approaching marriage of the emperor with +Athenais. I disguised myself as a beggar on this journey, for these +reasons: first, as I imagined I should thus carry my jewels with greater +safety; and, secondly, to lessen my expenses; which latter expedient +succeeded so well, that I begged two oboli on my way more than my +traveling cost me, my diet being chiefly roots, and my drink water. + +"But perhaps, it had been better for me if I had been more lavish +and more expeditious; for the ceremony was over before I reached +Constantinople; so that I lost that glorious opportunity of disposing of +my jewels with which many of our people were greatly enriched. + +"The life of a miser is very little worth relating, as it is one +constant scheme of getting or saving money. I shall therefore repeat to +you some few only of my adventures, without regard to any order. + +"A Roman Jew, who was a great lover of Falernian wine, and who indulged +himself very freely with it, came to dine at my house; when, knowing he +should meet with little wine, and that of the cheaper sort, sent me in +half-a-dozen jars of Falernian. Can you believe I would not give this +man his own wine? Sir, I adulterated it so that I made six jars +of [them] three, which he and his friend drank; the other three I +afterwards sold to the very person who originally sent them me, knowing +he would give a better price than any other. + +"A noble Roman came one day to my house in the country, which I had +purchased, for half the value, of a distressed person. My neighbors paid +him the compliment of some music, on which account, when he departed, +he left a piece of gold with me to be distributed among them. I pocketed +this money, and ordered them a small vessel of sour wine, which I could +not have sold for above two drachms, and afterwards made them pay in +work three times the value of it. + +"As I was not entirely void of religion, though I pretended to +infinitely more than I had, so I endeavored to reconcile my transactions +to my conscience as well as possible. Thus I never invited any one to +eat with me, but those on whose pockets I had some design. After our +collation it was constantly my method to set down in a book I kept for +that purpose, what I thought they owed me for their meal. Indeed, this +was generally a hundred times as much as they could have dined elsewhere +for; but, however, it was quid pro quo, if not ad valorem. Now, whenever +the opportunity offered of imposing on them I considered it only as +paying myself what they owed me: indeed, I did not always confine myself +strictly to what I had set down, however extravagant that was; but I +reconciled taking the overplus to myself as usance. + +"But I was not only too cunning for others--I sometimes overreached +myself. I have contracted distempers for want of food and warmth, which +have put me to the expense of a physician; nay, I once very narrowly +escaped death by taking bad drugs, only to save one seven-eighth per +cent in the price. + +"By these and such like means, in the midst of poverty and every kind of +distress, I saw myself master of an immense fortune, the casting up and +ruminating on which was my daily and only pleasure. This was, however, +obstructed and embittered by two considerations, which against my will +often invaded my thoughts. One, which would have been intolerable (but +that indeed seldom troubled me), was, that I must one day leave my +darling treasure. + +"The other haunted me continually, viz., that my riches were no greater. +However, I comforted myself against this reflection by an assurance that +they would increase daily: on which head my hopes were so extensive that +I may say with Virgil-- + +'His ego nec metas rerum nec tempora pono.' + +Indeed I am convinced that, had I possessed the whole globe of earth, +save one single drachma, which I had been certain never to be master +of--I am convinced, I say, that single drachma would have given me more +uneasiness than all the rest could afford me pleasure. + +"To say the truth, between my solicitude in contriving schemes to +procure money and my extreme anxiety in preserving it, I never had one +moment of ease while awake nor of quiet when in my sleep. + +"In all the characters through which I have passed, I have never +undergone half the misery I suffered in this; and, indeed, Minos seemed +to be of the same opinion; for while I stood trembling and shaking in +expectation of my sentence he bid me go back about my business, for that +nobody was to be d--n'd in more worlds than one. And, indeed, I have +since learned that the devil will not receive a miser." + + + + +CHAPTER XII + + What happened to Julian in the characters of a general, an + heir, a carpenter, and a beau. + +"The next step I took into the world was at Apollonia, in Thrace, where +I was born of a beautiful Greek slave, who was the mistress of Eutyches, +a great favorite of the emperor Zeno. That prince, at his restoration, +gave me the command of a cohort, I being then but fifteen years of age; +and a little afterwards, before I had even seen an army, preferred me, +over the heads of all the old officers, to be a tribune. + +"As I found an easy access to the emperor, by means of my father's +intimacy with him, he being a very good courtier--or, in other words, a +most prostitute flatterer--so I soon ingratiated myself with Zeno, and +so well imitated my father in flattering him, that he would never part +with me from about his person. So that the first armed force I ever +beheld was that with which Marcian surrounded the palace, where I was +then shut up with the rest of the court. + +"I was afterwards put at the head of a legion and ordered to march into +Syria with Theodoric the Goth; that is, I mean my legion was so ordered; +for, as to myself, I remained at court, with the name and pay of a +general, without the labor or the danger. + + "As nothing could be more gay, i. e., debauched, than Zeno's +court, so the ladies of gay disposition had great sway in it; +particularly one, whose name was Fausta, who, though not extremely +handsome, was by her wit and sprightliness very agreeable to the +emperor. With her I lived in good correspondence, and we together +disposed of all kinds of commissions in the army, not to those who had +most merit, but who would purchase at the highest rate. My levee was now +prodigiously thronged by officers who returned from the campaigns, who, +though they might have been convinced by daily example how ineffectual +a recommendation their services were, still continued indefatigable in +attendance, and behaved to me with as much observance and respect as I +should have been entitled to for making their fortunes, while I suffered +them and their families to starve. + +"Several poets, likewise, addressed verses to me, in which they +celebrated my achievements; and what, perhaps, may seem strange to us +at present, I received all this incense with most greedy vanity, without +once reflecting that, as I did not deserve these compliments, they +should rather put me in mind of my defects. + +"My father was now dead, and I became so absolute in the emperor's grace +that one unacquainted with courts would scarce believe the servility +with which all kinds of persons who entered the walls of the palace +behaved towards me. A bow, a smile, a nod from me, as I passed through +cringing crowds, were esteemed as signal favors; but a gracious word +made any one happy; and, indeed, had this real benefit attending it, +that it drew on the person on whom it was bestowed a very great degree +of respect from all others; for these are of current value in courts, +and, like notes in trading communities, are assignable from one to the +other. The smile of a court favorite immediately raises the person +who receives it, and gives a value to his smile when conferred on an +inferior: thus the smile is transferred from one to the other, and the +great man at last is the person to discount it. For instance, a very +low fellow hath a desire for a place. To whom is he to apply? Not to the +great man; for to him he hath no access. He therefore applies to A, who +is the creature of B, who is the tool of C, who is the flatterer of D, +who is the catamite of E, who is the pimp of F, who is the bully of G, +who is the buffoon of I, who is the husband of K, who is the whore of +L, who is the bastard of M, who is the instrument of the great man. Thus +the smile descending regularly from the great man to A, is discounted +back again, and at last paid by the great man. + +"It is manifest that a court would subsist as difficultly without this +kind of coin as a trading city without paper credit. Indeed, they differ +in this, that their value is not quite so certain, and a favorite may +protest his smile without the danger of bankruptcy. + +"In the midst of all this glory the emperor died, and Anastasius was +preferred to the crown. As it was yet uncertain whether I should not +continue in favor, I was received as usual at my entrance into the +palace to pay my respects to the new emperor; but I was no sooner rumped +by him than I received the same compliment from all the rest; the whole +room, like a regiment of soldiers, turning their backs to me all at +once: my smile now was become of equal value with the note of a broken +banker, and every one was as cautious not to receive it. + +"I made as much haste as possible from the court, and shortly after +from the city, retreating to the place of my nativity, where I spent the +remainder of my days in a retired life in husbandry, the only amusement +for which I was qualified, having neither learning nor virtue. + +"When I came to the gate Minos again seemed at first doubtful, but at +length dismissed me; saying though I had been guilty of many heinous +crimes, in as much as I had, though a general, never been concerned in +spilling human blood, I might return again to earth. + +"I was now again born in Alexandria, and, by great accident, entering +into the womb of my daughter-in-law, came forth my own grandson, +inheriting that fortune which I had before amassed. + +"Extravagance was now as notoriously my vice as avarice had been +formerly; and I spent in a very short life what had cost me the labor +of a very long one to rake together. Perhaps you will think my present +condition was more to be envied than my former: but upon my word it was +very little so; for, by possessing everything almost before I desired +it, I could hardly ever say I enjoyed my wish: I scarce ever knew the +delight of satisfying a craving appetite. Besides, as I never once +thought, my mind was useless to me, and I was an absolute stranger to +all the pleasures arising from it. Nor, indeed, did my education qualify +me for any delicacy in other enjoyments; so that in the midst of plenty +I loathed everything. Taste for elegance I had none; and the greatest of +corporeal blisses I felt no more from than the lowest animal. In a word, +as while a miser I had plenty without daring to use it, so now I had it +without appetite. + +"But if I was not very happy in the height of my enjoyment, so I +afterwards became perfectly miserable; being soon overtaken by disease, +and reduced to distress, till at length, with a broken constitution and +broken heart, I ended my wretched days in a jail: nor can I think the +sentence of Minos too mild, who condemned me, after having taken a large +dose of avarice, to wander three years on the banks of Cocytus, with +the knowledge of having spent the fortune in the person of the grandson +which I had raised in that of the grandfather. + +"The place of my birth, on my return to the world, was Constantinople, +where my father was a carpenter. The first thing I remember was, the +triumph of Belisarius, which was, indeed, most noble show; but nothing +pleased me so much as the figure of Gelimer, king of the African +Vandals, who, being led captive on this occasion, reflecting with +disdain on the mutation of his own fortune, and on the ridiculous empty +pomp of the conqueror, cried out, VANITY, VANITY, ALL IS MERE VANITY.' + +"I was bred up to my father's trade, and you may easily believe so low a +sphere could produce no adventures worth your notice. However, I married +a woman I liked, and who proved a very tolerable wife. My days were +passed in hard labor, but this procured me health, and I enjoyed a +homely supper at night with my wife with more pleasure than I apprehend +greater persons find at their luxurious meals. My life had scarce any +variety in it, and at my death I advanced to Minos with great confidence +of entering the gate: but I was unhappily obliged to discover some +frauds I had been guilty of in the measure of my work when I worked +by the foot, as well as my laziness when I was employed by the day. On +which account, when I attempted to pass, the angry judge laid hold on +me by the shoulders, and turned me back so violently, that, had I had a +neck of flesh and bone, I believe he would have broke it." + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + + Julian passes into a fop. + +"My scene of action was Rome. I was born into a noble family, and heir +to a considerable fortune. On which my parents, thinking I should not +want any talents, resolved very kindly and wisely to throw none away +upon me. The only instructors of my youth were therefore one Saltator, +who taught me several motions for my legs; and one Ficus, whose business +was to show me the cleanest way (as he called it) of cutting off a man's +head. When I was well accomplished in these sciences, I thought nothing +more wanting, but what was to be furnished by the several mechanics in +Rome, who dealt in dressing and adorning the pope. Being therefore well +equipped with all which their art could produce, I became at the age +of twenty a complete finished beau. And now during forty-five years I +dressed, I sang and danced, and danced and sang, I bowed and ogled, and +ogled and bowed, till, in the sixty-sixth year of my age, I got cold by +overheating myself with dancing, and died. + +"Minos told me, as I was unworthy of Elysium, so I was too insignificant +to be damned, and therefore bade me walk back again." + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + + Adventures in the person of a monk. + +"Fortune now placed me in the character of a younger brother of a good +house, and I was in my youth sent to school; but learning was now at so +low an ebb, that my master himself could hardly construe a sentence +of Latin; and as for Greek, he could not read it. With very little +knowledge therefore, and with altogether as little virtue, I was set +apart for the church, and at the proper age commenced monk. I lived many +years retired in a cell, a life very agreeable to the gloominess of my +temper, which was much inclined to despise the world; that is, in other +words, to envy all men of superior fortune and qualifications, and in +general to hate and detest the human species. Notwithstanding which, +I could, on proper occasions, submit to flatter the vilest fellow in +nature, which I did one Stephen, an eunuch, a favorite of the emperor +Justinian II, one of the wickedest wretches whom perhaps the world ever +saw. I not only wrote a panegyric on this man, but I commended him as +a pattern to all others in my sermons; by which means I so greatly +ingratiated myself with him, that he introduced me to the emperor's +presence, where I prevailed so far by the same methods, that I was +shortly taken from my cell, and preferred to a place at court. I was no +sooner established in the favor of Justinian than I prompted him to all +kind of cruelty. As I was of a sour morose temper, and hated nothing +more than the symptoms of happiness appearing in any countenance, I +represented all kind of diversion and amusement as the most horrid sins. +I inveighed against cheerfulness as levity, and encouraged nothing but +gravity, or, to confess the truth to you, hypocrisy. The unhappy +emperor followed my advice, and incensed the people by such repeated +barbarities, that he was at last deposed by them and banished. + +"I now retired again to my cell (for historians mistake in saying I was +put to death), where I remained safe from the danger of the irritated +mob, whom I cursed in my own heart as much as they could curse me. + +"Justinian, after three years of his banishment, returned to +Constantinople in disguise, and paid me a visit. I at first affected +not to know him, and without the least compunction of gratitude for his +former favors, intended not to receive him, till a thought immediately +suggested itself to me how I might convert him to my advantage, I +pretended to recollect him; and, blaming the shortness of my memory +and badness of my eyes, I sprung forward and embraced him with great +affection. + +"My design was to betray him to Apsimar, who, I doubted not, would +generously reward such a service. I therefore very earnestly requested +him to spend the whole evening with me; to which he consented. I formed +an excuse for leaving him a few minutes, and ran away to the palace to +acquaint Apsimar with the guest whom I had then in my cell. He presently +ordered a guard to go with me and seize him; but, whether the length of +my stay gave him any suspicion, or whether he changed his purpose after +my departure, I know not; for at my return we found he had given us the +slip; nor could we with the most diligent search discover him. + +"Apsimar, being disappointed of his prey, now raged at me; at first +denouncing the most dreadful vengeance if I did not produce the deposed +monarch. However, by soothing his passion when at the highest, and +afterwards by canting and flattery, I made a shift to escape his fury. + +"When Justinian was restored I very confidently went to wish him joy +of his restoration: but it seems he had unfortunately heard of my +treachery, so that he at first received me coldly, and afterwards +upbraided me openly with what I had done. I persevered stoutly in +denying it, as I knew no evidence could be produced against me; till, +finding him irreconcilable, I betook myself to reviling him in my +sermons, and on every other occasion, as an enemy to the church and good +men, and as an infidel, a heretic, an atheist, a heathen, and an Arian. +This I did immediately on his return, and before he gave those flagrant +proofs of his inhumanity which afterwards sufficiently verified all I +had said. + +"Luckily I died on the same day when a great number of those forces +which Justinian had sent against the Thracian Bosphorus, and who had +executed such unheard-of cruelties there, perished. As every one +of these was cast into the bottomless pit, Minos was so tired with +condemnation, that he proclaimed that all present who had not been +concerned in that bloody expedition might, if they pleased, return to +the other world. I took him at his word, and, presently turning about, +began my journey." + + + + +CHAPTER XV + + Julian passes into the character of a fiddler. + +"Rome was now the seat of my nativity. My mother was an African, a woman +of no great beauty, but a favorite, I suppose from her piety, of +pope Gregory II. Who was my father I know not, but I believe no very +considerable man; for after the death of that pope, who was, out of his +religion, a very good friend of my mother, we fell into great distress, +and were at length reduced to walk the streets of Rome; nor had either +of us any other support but a fiddle, on which I played with pretty +tolerable skill; for, as my genius turned naturally to music, so I had +been in my youth very early instructed at the expense of the good pope. +This afforded us but a very poor livelihood: for, though I had often +a numerous crowd of hearers, few ever thought themselves obliged to +contribute the smallest pittance to the poor starving wretch who had +given them pleasure. Nay, some of the graver sort, after an hour's +attention to my music, have gone away shaking their heads, and crying it +was a shame such vagabonds were suffered to stay in the city. + +"To say the truth, I am confident the fiddle would not have kept us +alive had we entirely depended on the generosity of my hearers. My +mother therefore was forced to use her own industry; and while I was +soothing the ears of the crowd, she applied to their pockets, and that +generally with such good success that we now began to enjoy a very +comfortable subsistence; and indeed, had we had the least prudence or +forecast, might have soon acquired enough to enable us to quit this +dangerous and dishonorable way of life: but I know not what is the +reason that money got with labor and safety is constantly preserved, +while the produce of danger and ease is commonly spent as easily, and +often as wickedly, as acquired. Thus we proportioned our expenses rather +by what we had than what we wanted or even desired; and on obtaining a +considerable booty we have even forced nature into the most profligate +extravagance, and have been wicked without inclination. + +"We carried on this method of thievery for a long time without +detection: but, as Fortune generally leaves persons of extraordinary +ingenuity in the lurch at last, so did she us; for my poor mother was +taken in the fact, and, together with myself, as her accomplice, hurried +before a magistrate. + +"Luckily for us, the person who was to be our judge was the greatest +lover of music in the whole city, and had often sent for me to play +to him, for which, as he had given me very small rewards, perhaps his +gratitude now moved him: but, whatever was his motive, he browbeat the +informers against us, and treated their evidence with so little favor, +that their mouths were soon stopped, and we dismissed with honor; +acquitted, I should rather have it said, for we were not suffered to +depart till I had given the judge several tunes on the fiddle. + +"We escaped the better on this occasion because the person robbed +happened to be a poet; which gave the judge, who was a facetious person, +many opportunities of jesting. He said poets and musicians should agree +together, seeing they had married sisters; which he afterwards explained +to be the sister arts. And when the piece of gold was produced he burst +into a loud laugh, and said it must be the golden age, when poets had +gold in their pockets, and in that age there could be no robbers. He +made many more jests of the same kind, but a small taste will suffice. + +"It is a common saying that men should take warning by any signal +delivery; but I cannot approve the justice of it; for to me it seems +that the acquittal of a guilty person should rather inspire him with +confidence, and it had this effect on us: for we now laughed at the law, +and despised its punishments, which we found were to be escaped even +against positive evidence. We imagined the late example was rather a +warning to the accuser than the criminal, and accordingly proceeded in +the most impudent and flagitious manner. + +"Among other robberies, one night, being admitted by the servants into +the house of an opulent priest, my mother took an opportunity, whilst +the servants were dancing to my tunes, to convey away a silver vessel; +this she did without the least sacrilegious intention; but it seems the +cup, which was a pretty large one, was dedicated to holy uses, and only +borrowed by the priest on an entertainment which he made for some of his +brethren. We were immediately pursued upon this robbery (the cup being +taken in our possession), and carried before the same magistrate, who +had before behaved to us with so much gentleness: but his countenance +was now changed, for the moment the priest appeared against us, his +severity was as remarkable as his candor had been before, and we were +both ordered to be stripped and whipped through the streets. + +"This sentence was executed with great severity, the priest himself +attending and encouraging the executioner, which he said he did for the +good of our souls; but, though our backs were both flayed, neither +my mother's torments nor my own afflicted me so much as the indignity +offered to my poor fiddle, which was carried in triumph before me, and +treated with a contempt by the multitude, intimating a great scorn +for the science I had the honor to profess; which, as it is one of +the noblest inventions of men, and as I had been always in the highest +degree proud of my excellence in it, I suffered so much from the +ill-treatment my fiddle received, that I would have given all my +remainder of skin to have preserved it from this affront. + +"My mother survived the whipping a very short time; and I was now +reduced to great distress and misery, till a young Roman of considerable +rank took a fancy to me, received me into his family, and conversed with +me in the utmost familiarity. He had a violent attachment to music, and +would learn to play on the fiddle; but, through want of genius for the +science, he never made any considerable progress. However, I flattered +his performance, and he grew extravagantly fond of me for so doing. +Had I continued this behavior I might possibly have reaped the greatest +advantages from his kindness; but I had raised his own opinion of his +musical abilities so high, that he now began to prefer his skill to +mine, a presumption I could not bear. One day as we were playing in +concert he was horribly out; nor was it possible, as he destroyed the +harmony, to avoid telling him of it. Instead of receiving my correction, +he answered it was my blunder and not his, and that I had mistaken the +key. Such an affront from my own scholar was beyond human patience; I +flew into a violent passion, I flung down my instrument in a rage, and +swore I was not to be taught music at my age. He answered, with as much +warmth, nor was he to be instructed by a strolling fiddler. The dispute +ended in a challenge to play a prize before judges. This wager was +determined in my favor; but the purchase was a dear one, for I lost my +friend by it, who now, twitting me with all his kindness, with my former +ignominious punishment, and the destitute condition from which I had +been by his bounty relieved, discarded me for ever. + +"While I lived with this gentleman I became known, among others, to +Sabina, a lady of distinction, and who valued herself much on her taste +for music. She no sooner heard of my being discarded than she took +me into her house, where I was extremely well clothed and fed. +Notwithstanding which, my situation was far from agreeable; for I was +obliged to submit to her constant reprehensions before company, which +gave me the greater uneasiness because they were always wrong; nor am I +certain that she did not by these provocations contribute to my death: +for, as experience had taught me to give up my resentment to my bread, +so my passions, for want of outward vent, preyed inwardly on my vitals, +and perhaps occasioned the distemper of which I sickened. + +"The lady, who, amidst all the faults she found, was very fond of +me, nay, probably was the fonder of me the more faults she found, +immediately called in the aid of three celebrated physicians. The +doctors (being well fee'd) made me seven visits in three days, and +two of them were at the door to visit me the eighth time, when, being +acquainted that I was just dead, they shook their heads and departed. + +"When I came to Minos he asked me with a smile whether I had brought my +fiddle with me; and, receiving an answer in the negative, he bid me get +about my business, saying it was well for me that the devil was no lover +of music." + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + + The history of the wise man. + +"I now returned to Rome, but in a very different character. Fortune had +now allotted me a serious part to act. I had even in my infancy a grave +disposition, nor was I ever seen to smile, which infused an opinion into +all about me that I was a child of great solidity; some foreseeing that +I should be a judge, and others a bishop. At two years old my father +presented me with a rattle, which I broke to pieces with great +indignation. This the good parent, being extremely wise, regarded as an +eminent symptom of my wisdom, and cried out in a kind of ecstasy, 'Well +said, boy! I warrant thou makest a great man.' + +"At school I could never be persuaded to play with my mates; not that +I spent my hours in learning, to which I was not in the least addicted, +nor indeed had I any talents for it. However, the solemnity of my +carriage won so much on my master, who was a most sagacious person, +that I was his chief favorite, and my example on all occasions was +recommended to the other boys, which filled them with envy, and me with +pleasure; but, though they envied me, they all paid me that involuntary +respect which it is the curse attending this passion to bear towards its +object. + +"I had now obtained universally the character of a very wise young man, +which I did not altogether purchase without pains; for the restraint I +laid on myself in abstaining from the several diversions adapted to my +years cost me many a yearning; but the pride which I inwardly enjoyed in +the fancied dignity of my character made me some amends. + +"Thus I passed on, without anything very memorable happening to me, +till I arrived at the age of twenty-three, when unfortunately I fell +acquainted with a young Neapolitan lady whose name was Ariadne. Her +beauty was so exquisite that her first sight made a violent impression +on me; this was again improved by her behavior, which was most genteel, +easy, and affable: lastly, her conversation completed the conquest. In +this she discovered a strong and lively understanding, with the sweetest +and most benign temper. This lovely creature was about eighteen when I +first unhappily beheld her at Rome, on a visit to a relation with whom I +had great intimacy. As our interviews at first were extremely frequent, +my passions were captivated before I apprehended the least danger; and +the sooner probably, as the young lady herself, to whom I consulted +every method of recommendation, was not displeased with my being her +admirer. + +"Ariadne, having spent three months at Rome, now returned to Naples, +bearing my heart with her: on the other hand, I had all the assurances +consistent with the constraint under which the most perfect modesty lays +a young woman, that her own heart was not entirely unaffected. I soon +found her absence gave me an uneasiness not easy to be borne or +to remove. I now first applied to diversions (of the graver sort, +particularly to music), but in vain; they rather raised my desires and +heightened my anguish. My passion at length grew so violent, that I +began to think of satisfying it. As the first step to this, I cautiously +inquired into the circumstances of Ariadne's parents, with which I was +hitherto unacquainted: though, indeed, I did not apprehend they were +extremely great, notwithstanding the handsome appearance of their +daughter at Rome. Upon examination, her fortune exceeded my expectation, +but was not sufficient to justify my marriage with her, in the opinion +of the wise and prudent. I had now a violent struggle between wisdom +and happiness, in which, after several grievous pangs, wisdom got +the better. I could by no means prevail with myself to sacrifice that +character of profound wisdom, which I had with such uniform conduct +obtained, and with such caution hitherto preserved. I therefore resolved +to conquer my affection, whatever it cost me; and indeed it did not cost +me a little. + +"While I was engaged in this conflict (for it lasted a long time) +Ariadne returned to Rome: her presence was a terrible enemy to my +wisdom, which even in her absence had with great difficulty stood +its ground. It seems (as she hath since told me in Elysium with much +merriment) I had made the same impressions on her which she had made on +me. Indeed, I believe my wisdom would have been totally subdued by this +surprise, had it not cunningly suggested to me a method of satisfying my +passion without doing any injury to my reputation. This was by engaging +her privately as a mistress, which was at that time reputable enough +at Rome, provided the affair was managed with an air of slyness and +gravity, though the secret was known to the whole city. + +"I immediately set about this project, and employed every art and engine +to effect it. I had particularly bribed her priest, and an old female +acquaintance and distant relation of hers, into my interest: but all +was in vain; her virtue opposed the passion in her breast as strongly as +wisdom had opposed it in mine. She received my proposals with the utmost +disdain, and presently refused to see or hear from me any more. + +"She returned again to Naples, and left me in a worse condition than +before. My days I now passed with the most irksome uneasiness, and +my nights were restless and sleepless. The story of our amour was now +pretty public, and the ladies talked of our match as certain; but my +acquaintance denied their assent, saying, 'No, no, he is too wise to +marry so imprudently.' This their opinion gave me, I own, very great +pleasure; but, to say the truth, scarce compensated the pangs I suffered +to preserve it. + +"One day, while I was balancing with myself, and had almost resolved +to enjoy my happiness at the price of my character, a friend brought +me word that Ariadne was married. This news struck me to the soul; and +though I had resolution enough to maintain my gravity before him (for +which I suffered not a little the more), the moment I was alone I threw +myself into the most violent fit of despair, and would willingly have +parted with wisdom, fortune, and everything else, to have retrieved her; +but that was impossible, and I had now nothing but time to hope a cure +from. This was very tedious in performing it, and the longer as Ariadne +had married a Roman cavalier, was now become my near neighbor, and I had +the mortification of seeing her make the best of wives, and of having +the happiness which I had lost, every day before my eyes. + +"If I suffered so much on account of my wisdom in having refused +Ariadne, I was not much more obliged to it for procuring me a rich +widow, who was recommended to me by an old friend as a very prudent +match; and, indeed, so it was, her fortune being superior to mine in +the same proportion as that of Ariadne had been inferior. I therefore +embraced this proposal, and my character of wisdom soon pleaded so +effectually for me with the widow, who was herself a woman of great +gravity and discretion, that I soon succeeded; and as soon as decency +would permit (of which this lady was the strictest observer) we were +married, being the second day of the second week of the second year +after her husband's death; for she said she thought some period of time +above the year had a great air of decorum. + +"But, prudent as this lady was, she made me miserable. Her person was +far from being lovely, but her temper was intolerable. + +"During fifteen years' habitation, I never passed a single day without +heartily cursing her, and the hour in which we came together. The only +comfort I received, in the midst of the highest torments, was from +continually hearing the prudence of my match commended by all my +acquaintance. + +"Thus you see, in the affairs of love, I bought the reputation of +wisdom pretty dear. In other matters I had it somewhat cheaper; not that +hypocrisy, which was the price I gave for it, gives one no pain. I have +refused myself a thousand little amusements with a feigned contempt, +while I have really had an inclination to them. I have often almost +choked myself to restrain from laughing at a jest, and (which was +perhaps to myself the least hurtful of all my hypocrisy) have heartily +enjoyed a book in my closet which I have spoken with detestation of in +public. To sum up my history in short, as I had few adventures worth +remembering, my whole life was one constant lie; and happy would it have +been for me if I could as thoroughly have imposed on myself as I did on +others: for reflection, at every turn, would often remind me I was +not so wise as people thought me; and this considerably embittered the +pleasure I received from the public commendation of my wisdom. This +self-admonition, like a memento mori or mortalis es, must be, in my +opinion, a very dangerous enemy to flattery: indeed, a weight sufficient +to counterbalance all the false praise of the world. But whether it be +that the generality of wise men do not reflect at all, or whether they +have, from a constant imposition on others, contracted such a habit of +deceit as to deceive themselves, I will not determine: it is, I believe, +most certain that very few wise men know themselves what fools they are, +more than the world doth. Good gods! could one but see what passes in +the closet of wisdom! how ridiculous a sight must it be to behold the +wise man, who despises gratifying his palate, devouring custard; the +sober wise man with his dram-bottle; or, the anti-carnalist (if I may +be allowed the expression) chuckling over a b--dy book or picture, and +perhaps caressing his house-maid! + +"But to conclude a character in which I apprehend I made as absurd a +figure as in any in which I trod the stage of earth, my wisdom at last +but an end to itself, that is, occasioned my dissolution. + +"A relation of mine in the eastern part of the empire disinherited his +son, and left me his heir. This happened in the depth of winter, when +I was in my grand climacteric, and had just recovered of a dangerous +disease. As I had all the reason imaginable to apprehend the family of +the deceased would conspire against me, and embezzle as much as they +could, I advised with a grave and wise friend what was proper to be +done; whether I should go myself, or employ a notary on this occasion, +and defer my journey to the spring. To say the truth, I was most +inclined to the latter; the rather as my circumstances were extremely +flourishing, as I was advanced in years, and had not one person in the +world to whom I should with pleasure bequeath any fortune at my death. + +"My friend told me he thought my question admitted of no manner of +doubt or debate; that common prudence absolutely required my immediate +departure; adding, that if the same good luck had happened to him he +would have been already on his journey; 'for,' continued he, 'a man who +knows the world so well as you, would be inexcusable to give persons +such an opportunity of cheating you, who, you must be assured, will +be too well inclined; and as for employing a notary, remember that +excellent maxim, Ne facias per alium, quod fieri potest per te. I +own the badness of the season and your very late recovery are unlucky +circumstances; but a wise man must get over difficulties when necessity +obliges him to encounter them.' + +"I was immediately determined by this opinion. The duty of a wise man +made an irresistible impression, and I took the necessity for granted +without examination. I accordingly set forward the next morning; very +tempestuous weather soon overtook me; I had not traveled three days +before I relapsed into my fever, and died. + +"I was now as cruelly disappointed by Minos as I had formerly been +happily so. I advanced with the utmost confidence to the gate, and +really imagined I should have been admitted by the wisdom of my +countenance, even without any questions asked: but this was not my case; +and, to my great surprise, Minos, with a menacing voice, called out to +me, 'You Mr. there, with the grave countenance, whither so fast, pray? +Will you please, before you move any farther forwards, to give me a +short account of your transactions below?' I then began, and recounted +to him my whole history, still expecting at the end of every period that +the gate would be ordered to fly open; but I was obliged to go quite +through with it, and then Minos after some little consideration spoke to +me as follows:-- + +"'You, Mr. Wiseman, stand forth if you please. Believe me, sir, a trip +back again to earth will be one of the wisest steps you ever took, +and really more to the honor of your wisdom than any you have hitherto +taken. On the other side, nothing could be simpler than to endeavor at +Elysium; for who but a fool would carry a commodity, which is of such +infinite value in one place, into another where it is of none? But, +without attempting to offend your gravity with a jest, you must return +to the place from whence you came, for Elysium was never designed for +those who are too wise to be happy.' + +"This sentence confounded me greatly, especially as it seemed to +threaten me with carrying my wisdom back again to earth. I told the +judge, though he would not admit me at the gate, I hoped I had committed +no crime while alive which merited my being wise any longer. He answered +me, I must take my chance as to that matter, and immediately we turned +our backs to each other." + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + + Julian enters into the person of a king. + +"I was now born at Oviedo in Spain. My father's name was Veremond, and I +was adopted by my uncle king Alphonso the chaste. + +"I don't recollect in all the pilgrimages I have made on earth that I +ever passed a more miserable infancy than now; being under the utmost +confinement and restraint, and surrounded with physicians who were +ever dosing me, and tutors who were continually plaguing me with their +instructions; even those hours of leisure which my inclination would +have spent in play were allotted to tedious pomp and ceremony, which, +at an age wherein I had no ambition to enjoy the servility of courtiers, +enslaved me more than it could the meanest of them. However, as I +advanced towards manhood, my condition made me some amends; for the most +beautiful women of their own accord threw out lures for me, and I had +the happiness, which no man in an inferior degree can arrive at, of +enjoying the most delicious creatures, without the previous and +tiresome ceremonies of courtship, unless with the most simple, young and +unexperienced. As for the court ladies, they regarded me rather as men +do the most lovely of the other sex; and, though they outwardly retained +some appearance of modesty, they in reality rather considered themselves +as receiving than conferring favors. + +"Another happiness I enjoyed was in conferring favors of another sort; +for, as I was extremely good-natured and generous, so I had daily +opportunities of satisfying those passions. Besides my own princely +allowance, which was very bountiful, and with which I did many liberal +and good actions, I recommended numberless persons of merit in distress +to the king's notice, most of whom were provided for. Indeed, had I +sufficiently known my blessed situation at this time, I should have +grieved at nothing more than the death of Alphonso, by which the burden +of government devolved upon me; but, so blindly fond is ambition, and +such charms doth it fancy in the power and pomp and splendor of a +crown, that, though I vehemently loved that king, and had the greatest +obligations to him, the thoughts of succeeding him obliterated my regret +at his loss, and the wish for my approaching coronation dried my eyes at +his funeral. + +"But my fondness for the name of king did not make me forgetful of those +over whom I was to reign. I considered them in the light in which a +tender father regards his children, as persons whose wellbeing God +had intrusted to my care; and again, in that in which a prudent lord +respects his tenants, as those on whose wealth and grandeur he is to +build his own. Both these considerations inspired me with the greatest +care for their welfare, and their good was my first and ultimate +concern. + +"The usurper Mauregas had impiously obliged himself and his successors +to pay to the Moors every year an infamous tribute of an hundred young +virgins: from this cruel and scandalous imposition I resolved to relieve +my country. Accordingly, when their emperor Abderames the second had the +audaciousness to make this demand of me, instead of complying with it I +ordered his ambassadors to be driven away with all imaginable ignominy, +and would have condemned them to death, could I have done it without a +manifest violation of the law of nations. + +"I now raised an immense army; at the levying of which I made a speech +from my throne, acquainting my subjects with the necessity and the +reasons of the war in which I was going to engage: which I convinced +them I had undertaken for their ease and safety, and not for satisfying +any wanton ambition, or revenging any private pique of my own. They all +declared unanimously that they would venture their lives and everything +dear to them in my defense, and in the support of the honor of my crown. +Accordingly, my levies were instantly complete, sufficient numbers +being only left to till the land; churchmen, even bishops themselves, +enlisting themselves under my banners. + +"The armies met at Alvelda, where we were discomfited with immense loss, +and nothing but the lucky intervention of the night could have saved our +whole army. + +"I retreated to the summit of a hill, where I abandoned myself to the +highest agonies of grief, not so much for the danger in which I then saw +my crown, as for the loss of those miserable wretches who had exposed +their lives at my command. I could not then avoid this reflection--that, +if the deaths of these people in a war undertaken absolutely for their +protection could give me such concern, what horror must I have felt if, +like princes greedy of dominion, I had sacrificed such numbers to my own +pride, vanity, and ridiculous lust of power. + +"After having vented my sorrows for some time in this manner, I began +to consider by what means I might possibly endeavor to retrieve this +misfortune; when, reflecting on the great number of priests I had in +my army, and on the prodigious force of superstition, a thought luckily +suggested itself to me, to counterfeit that St. James had appeared to me +in a vision, and had promised me the victory. While I was ruminating on +this the bishop of Najara came opportunely to me. As I did not intend +to communicate the secret to him, I took another method, and, instead +of answering anything the bishop said to me, I pretended to talk to St. +James, as if he had been really present; till at length, after having +spoke those things which I thought sufficient, and thanked the saint +aloud for his promise of the victory, I turned about to the bishop, and, +embracing him with a pleased countenance, protested I did not know he +was present; and then, informing him of this supposed vision, I asked +him if he had not himself seen the saint? He answered me he had; and +afterwards proceeded to assure me that this appearance of St. James was +entirely owing to his prayers; for that he was his tutelar saint. He +added he had a vision of him a few hours before, when he promised him +a victory over the infidels, and acquainted him at the same time of the +vacancy of the see of Toledo. Now, this news being really true, though +it had happened so lately that I had not heard of it (nor, indeed, was +it well possible I should, considering the great distance of the way), +when I was afterwards acquainted with it, a little staggered me, though +far from being superstitious; till being informed that the bishop had +lost three horses on a late expedition, I was satisfied. + +"The next morning, the bishop, at my desire, mounted the rostrum, and +trumpeted forth this vision so effectually, which he said he had that +evening twice seen with his own eyes, that a spirit began to be infused +through the whole army which rendered them superior to almost any force: +the bishop insisted that the least doubt of success was giving the lie +to the saint, and a damnable sin, and he took upon him in his name to +promise them victory. + +"The army being drawn out, I soon experienced the effect of enthusiasm, +for, having contrived another stratagem [9] to strengthen what the +bishop had said, the soldiers fought more like furies than men. My +stratagem was this: I had about me a dexterous fellow, who had been +formerly a pimp in my amours. Him I dressed up in a strange antic dress, +with a pair of white colors in his right hand, a red cross in his left, +and having disguised him so that no one could know him, I placed him on +a white horse, and ordered him to ride to the head of the army, and cry +out, 'Follow St. James!' These words were reiterated by all the troops, +who attacked the enemy with such intrepidity, that, notwithstanding our +inferiority of numbers, we soon obtained a complete victory. + +"The bishop was come up by the time that the enemy was routed, and, +acquainting us that he had met St. James by the way, and that he had +informed him of what had passed, he added that he had express orders +from the saint to receive a considerable sum for his use, and that a +certain tax on corn and wine should be settled on his church for ever; +and lastly, that a horseman's pay should be allowed for the future +to the saint himself, of which he and his successors were appointed +receivers. The army received these demands with such acclamations that +I was obliged to comply with them, as I could by no means discover the +imposition, nor do I believe I should have gained any credit if I had. + +"I had now done with the saint, but the bishop had not; for about a week +afterwards lights were seen in a wood near where the battle was fought; +and in a short time afterwards they discovered his tomb at the same +place. Upon this the bishop made me a visit, and forced me to go +thither, to build a church to him, and largely endow it. In a word, the +good man so plagued me with miracle after miracle, that I was forced to +make interest with the pope to convey him to Toledo, to get rid of him. + +"But to proceed to other matters.--There was an inferior officer, +who had behaved very bravely in the battle against the Moors, and had +received several wounds, who solicited me for preferment; which I was +about to confer on him, when one of my ministers came to me in a fright, +and told me that he had promised the post I designed for this man to the +son of count Alderedo; and that the count, who was a powerful person, +would be greatly disobliged at the refusal, as he had sent for his son +from school to take possession of it. I was obliged to agree with my +minister's reasons, and at the same time recommended the wounded soldier +to be preferred by him, which he faithfully promised he would; but I +met the poor wretch since in Elysium, who informed me he was afterwards +starved to death. + +"None who hath not been himself a prince, nor any prince till his death, +can conceive the impositions daily put on them by their favorites and +ministers; so that princes are often blamed for the faults of others. +The count of Saldagne had been long confined in prison, when his son, D. +Bernard del Carpio, who had performed the greatest actions against +the Moors, entreated me, as a reward for his service, to grant him his +father's liberty. The old man's punishment had been so tedious, and +the services of the young one so singularly eminent, that I was very +inclinable to grant the request; but my ministers strongly opposed it; +they told me my glory demanded revenge for the dishonor offered to my +family; that so positive a demand carried with it rather the air of +menace than entreaty; that the vain detail of his services, and the +recompense due to them, was an injurious reproach; that to grant what +had been so haughtily demanded would argue in the monarch both weakness +and timidity; in a word, that to remit the punishment inflicted by my +predecessors would be to condemn their judgment. Lastly, one told me in +a whisper, 'His whole family are enemies to your house.' By these means +the ministers prevailed. The young lord took the refusal so ill, that he +retired from court, and abandoned himself to despair, whilst the old one +languished in prison. By which means, as I have since discovered, I lost +the use of two of my best subjects. + +"To confess the truth, I had, by means of my ministers, conceived a very +unjust opinion of my whole people, whom I fancied to be daily conspiring +against me, and to entertain the most disloyal thoughts, when, in +reality (as I have known since my death), they held me in universal +respect and esteem. This is a trick, I believe, too often played with +sovereigns, who, by such means, are prevented from that open intercourse +with their subjects which, as it would greatly endear the person of the +prince to the people, so might it often prove dangerous to a minister +who was consulting his own interest only at the expense of both. I +believe I have now recounted to you the most material passages of my +life; for I assure you there are some incidents in the lives of kings +not extremely worth relating. Everything which passes in their minds +and families is not attended with the splendor which surrounds their +throne--indeed, there are some hours wherein the naked king and the +naked cobbler can scarce be distinguished from each other. + +"Had it not been, however, for my ingratitude to Bernard del Carpio, I +believe this would have been my last pilgrimage on earth; for, as to the +story of St. James, I thought Minos would have burst his sides at it; +but he was so displeased with me on the other account, that, with a +frown, he cried out, 'Get thee back again, king.' Nor would he suffer me +to say another word." + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + + Julian passes into a fool. + +"The next visit I made to the world was performed in France, where I +was born in the court of Lewis III, and had afterwards the honor to be +preferred to be fool to the prince, who was surnamed Charles the Simple. +But, in reality, I know not whether I might so properly be said to have +acted the fool in his court as to have made fools of all others in it. +Certain it is, I was very far from being what is generally understood by +that word, being a most cunning, designing, arch knave. I knew very well +the folly of my master, and of many others, and how to make my advantage +of this knowledge. + +"I was as dear to Charles the Simple as the player Paris was to +Domitian, and, like him, bestowed all manner of offices and honors +on whom I pleased. This drew me a great number of followers among +the courtiers, who really mistook me for a fool, and yet flattered my +understanding. There was particularly in the court a fellow who had +neither honor, honesty, sense, wit, courage, beauty, nor indeed any one +good quality, either of mind or body, to recommend him; but was at the +same time, perhaps, as cunning a monster as ever lived. This gentleman +took it into his head to list under my banner, and pursued me so very +assiduously with flattery, constantly reminding me of my good sense, +that I grew immoderately fond of him; for though flattery is not most +judiciously applied to qualities which the persons flattered possess, +yet as, notwithstanding my being well assured of my own parts, I passed +in the whole court for a fool, this flattery was a very sweet morsel to +me. I therefore got this fellow preferred to a bishopric, but I lost my +flatterer by it; for he never afterwards said a civil thing to me. + +"I never balked my imagination for the grossness of the reflection on +the character of the greatest noble--nay, even the king himself; of +which I will give you a very bold instance. One day his simple majesty +told me he believed I had so much power that his people looked on me as +the king, and himself as my fool. + +"At this I pretended to be angry, as with an affront. 'Why, how now?' +says the king; 'are you ashamed of being a king?' 'No, sir,' says I, +'but I am devilishly ashamed of my fool.' + +"Herbert, earl of Vermandois, had by my means been restored to the favor +of the Simple (for so I used always to call Charles). He afterwards +prevailed with the king to take the city of Arras from earl Baldwin, by +which means, Herbert, in exchange for this city, had Peronne restored +to him by count Altmar. Baldwin came to court in order to procure +the restoration of his city; but, either through pride or ignorance, +neglected to apply to me. As I met him at court during his solicitation, +I told him he did not apply the right way; he answered roughly he should +not ask a fool's advice. I replied I did not wonder at his prejudice, +since he had miscarried already by following a fool's advice; but I told +him there were fools who had more interest than that he had brought with +him to court. He answered me surlily he had no fool with him, for that +he traveled alone. 'Ay, my lord,' says I, 'I often travel alone, and yet +they will have it I always carry a fool with me.' This raised a laugh +among the by-standers, on which he gave me a blow. I immediately +complained of this usage to the Simple, who dismissed the earl from +court with very hard words, instead of granting him the favor he +solicited. + +"I give you these rather as a specimen of my interest and impudence than +of my wit--indeed, my jests were commonly more admired than they ought +to be; for perhaps I was not in reality much more a wit than a fool. +But, with the latitude of unbounded scurrility, it is easy enough +to attain the character of wit, especially in a court, where, as all +persons hate and envy one another heartily, and are at the same time +obliged by the constrained behavior of civility to profess the greatest +liking, so it is, and must be, wonderfully pleasant to them to see the +follies of their acquaintance exposed by a third person. Besides, the +opinion of the court is as uniform as the fashion, and is always +guided by the will of the prince or of the favorite. I doubt not that +Caligula's horse was universally held in his court to be a good and +able consul. In the same manner was I universally acknowledged to be the +wittiest fool in the world. Every word I said raised laughter, and +was held to be a jest, especially by the ladies, who sometimes laughed +before I had discovered my sentiment, and often repeated that as a jest +which I did not even intend as one. + +"I was as severe on the ladies as on the men, and with the same +impunity; but this at last cost me dear: for once having joked on the +beauty of a lady whose name was Adelaide, a favorite of the Simple's, +she pretended to smile and be pleased at my wit with the rest of the +company; but in reality she highly resented it, and endeavored to +undermine me with the king. In which she so greatly succeeded (for what +cannot a favorite woman do with one who deserves the surname of Simple?) +that the king grew every day more reserved to me, and when I attempted +any freedom gave me such marks of his displeasure, that the courtiers +who have all hawks' eyes at a slight from the sovereign, soon discerned +it: and indeed, had I been blind enough not to have discovered that I +had lost ground in the Simple's favor by his own change in his carriage +towards me, I must have found it, nay even felt it, in the behavior of +the courtiers: for, as my company was two days before solicited with the +utmost eagerness, it was now rejected with as much scorn. I was now the +jest of the ushers and pages; and an officer of the guards, on whom I +was a little jocose, gave me a box on the ear, bidding me make free with +my equals. This very fellow had been my butt for many years, without +daring to lift his hand against me. + +"But though I visibly perceived the alteration in the Simple, I was +utterly unable to make any guess at the occasion. I had not the least +suspicion of Adelaide; for, besides her being a very good-humored woman, +I had often made severe jests on her reputation, which I had all the +reason imaginable to believe had given her no offense. But I soon +perceived that a woman will bear the most bitter censures on her morals +easier than the smallest reflection on her beauty; for she now declared +publicly, that I ought to be dismissed from court, as the stupidest of +fools, and one in whom there was no diversion; and that she wondered how +any person could have so little taste as to imagine I had any wit. +This speech was echoed through the drawing-room, and agreed to by all +present. Every one now put on an unusual gravity on their countenance +whenever I spoke; and it was as much out of my power to raise a laugh as +formerly it had been for me to open my mouth without one. + +"While my affairs were in this posture I went one day into the circle +without my fool's dress. The Simple, who would still speak to me, cried +out, 'So, fool, what's the matter now?' 'Sir,' answered I, 'fools are +like to be so common a commodity at court, that I am weary of my coat.' +'How dost thou mean?' answered the Simple; 'what can make them commoner +now than usual?'--'O, sir,' said I, 'there are ladies here make your +majesty a fool every day of their lives.' The Simple took no notice +of my jest, and several present said my bones ought to be broke for my +impudence; but it pleased the queen, who, knowing Adelaide, whom she +hated, to be the cause of my disgrace, obtained me of the king, and took +me into her service; so that I was henceforth called the queen's fool, +and in her court received the same honor, and had as much wit, as I had +formerly had in the king's. But as the queen had really no power +unless over her own domestics, I was not treated in general with that +complacence, nor did I receive those bribes and presents, which had once +fallen to my share. + +"Nor did this confined respect continue long: for the queen, who had in +fact no taste for humor, soon grew sick of my foolery, and, forgetting +the cause for which she had taken me, neglected me so much, that her +court grew intolerable to my temper, and I broke my heart and died. + +"Minos laughed heartily at several things in my story, and then, telling +me no one played the fool in Elysium, bid me go back again." + + + + +CHAPTER XIX + + Julian appears in the character of a beggar. + +"I now returned to Rome, and was born into a very poor and numerous +family, which, to be honest with you, procured its livelihood by +begging. This, if you was never yourself of the calling, you do not +know, I suppose, to be as regular a trade as any other; to have its +several rules and secrets, or mysteries, which to learn require perhaps +as tedious an apprenticeship as those of any craft whatever. + +"The first thing we are taught is the countenance miserable. This indeed +nature makes much easier to some than others; but there are none who +cannot accomplish it, if they begin early enough in youth, and before +the muscles are grown too stubborn. + +"The second thing is the voice lamentable. In this qualification too, +nature must have her share in producing the most consummate excellence: +however, art will here, as in every other instance, go a great way +with industry and application, even without the assistance of genius, +especially if the student begins young. + +"There are many other instructions, but these are the most considerable. +The women are taught one practice more than the men, for they are +instructed in the art of crying, that is, to have their tears ready on +all occasions: but this is attained very easily by most. Some indeed +arrive at the utmost perfection in this art with incredible facility. + +"No profession requires a deeper insight into human nature than the +beggar's. Their knowledge of the passions of men is so extensive, that +I have often thought it would be of no little service to a politician +to have his education among them. Nay, there is a much greater analogy +between these two characters than is imagined; for both concur in their +first and grand principle, it being equally their business to delude and +impose on mankind. It must be confessed that they differ widely in the +degree of advantage which they make by their deceit; for, whereas the +beggar is contented with a little, the politician leaves but a little +behind. + +"A very great English philosopher hath remarked our policy, in taking +care never to address any one with a title inferior to what he really +claims. My father was of the same opinion; for I remember when I was a +boy, the pope happening to pass by, I tended him with 'Pray, sir;' 'For +God's sake, sir;' 'For the Lord's sake, sir;'--To which he answered +gravely, 'Sirrah, sirrah, you ought to be whipped for taking the Lord's +name in vain;' and in vain it was indeed, for he gave me nothing. My +father, overhearing this, took his advice, and whipped me very severely. +While I was under correction I promised often never to take the Lord's +name in vain any more. My father then said, 'Child, I do not whip you +for taking his name in vain; I whip you for not calling the pope his +holiness.' + +"If all men were so wise and good to follow the clergy's example, the +nuisance of beggars would soon be removed. I do not remember to have +been above twice relieved by them during my whole state of beggary. Once +was by a very well-looking man, who gave me a small piece of silver, and +declared he had given me more than he had left himself; the other was +by a spruce young fellow, who had that very day first put on his robes, +whom I attended with 'Pray, reverend sir, good reverend sir, consider +your cloth.' He answered, 'I do, child, consider my office, and I hope +all our cloth do the same.' He then threw down some money, and strutted +off with great dignity. + +"With the women I had one general formulary: 'Sweet pretty lady,' 'God +bless your ladyship,' 'God bless your handsome face.' This generally +succeeded; but I observed the uglier the woman was, the surer I was of +success. + +"It was a constant maxim among us, that the greater retinue any one +traveled with the less expectation we might promise ourselves from them; +but whenever we saw a vehicle with a single or no servant we imagined +our booty sure, and were seldom deceived. + +"We observed great difference introduced by time and circumstance in the +same person; for instance, a losing gamester is sometimes generous, but +from a winner you will as easily obtain his soul as a single groat. A +lawyer traveling from his country seat to his clients at Rome, and a +physician going to visit a patient, were always worth asking; but the +same on their return were (according to our cant phrase) untouchable. + +"The most general, and indeed the truest, maxim among us was, that those +who possessed the least were always the readiest to give. The chief art +of a beggar-man is, therefore, to discern the rich from the poor, which, +though it be only distinguishing substance from shadow, is by no +means attainable without a pretty good capacity and a vast degree of +attention; for these two are eternally industrious in endeavoring to +counterfeit each other. In this deceit the poor man is more heartily +in earnest to deceive you than the rich, who, amidst all the emblems +of poverty which he puts on, still permits some mark of his wealth to +strike the eye. Thus, while his apparel is not worth a groat, his finger +wears a ring of value, or his pocket a gold watch. In a word, he seems +rather to affect poverty to insult than impose on you. Now the poor man, +on the contrary, is very sincere in his desire of passing for rich; but +the eagerness of this desire hurries him to over-act his part, and he +betrays himself as one who is drunk by his overacted sobriety. Thus, +instead of being attended by one servant well mounted, he will have two; +and, not being able to purchase or maintain a second horse of value, +one of his servants at least is mounted on a hired rascallion. He is +not contented to go plain and neat in his clothes; he therefore claps on +some tawdry ornament, and what he adds to the fineness of his vestment +he detracts from the fineness of his linen. Without descending into more +minute particulars, I believe I may assert it as an axiom of indubitable +truth, that whoever shows you he is either in himself or his equipage +as gaudy as he can, convinces you he is more so than he can afford. Now, +whenever a man's expense exceeds his income, he is indifferent in the +degree; we had therefore nothing more to do with such than to flatter +them with their wealth and splendor, and were always certain of success. + +"There is, indeed, one kind of rich man who is commonly more liberal, +namely, where riches surprise him, as it were, in the midst of poverty +and distress, the consequence of which is, I own, sometimes excessive +avarice, but oftener extreme prodigality. I remember one of these who, +having received a pretty large sum of money, gave me, when I begged +an obolus, a whole talent; on which his friend having reproved him, he +answered, with an oath, 'Why not? Have I not fifty left?' + +"The life of a beggar, if men estimated things by their real essence, +and not by their outward false appearance, would be, perhaps, a more +desirable situation than any of those which ambition persuades us, with +such difficulty, danger, and often villainy, to aspire to. The wants of +a beggar are commonly as chimerical as the abundance of a nobleman; +for besides vanity, which a judicious beggar will always apply to with +wonderful efficacy, there are in reality very few natures so hardened as +not to compassionate poverty and distress, when the predominancy of some +other passion doth not prevent them. + +"There is one happiness which attends money got with ease, namely, that +it is never hoarded; otherwise, as we have frequent opportunities of +growing rich, that canker care might prey upon our quiet, as it doth on +others; but our money stock we spend as fast as we acquire it; usually +at least, for I speak not without exception; thus it gives us mirth +only, and no trouble. Indeed, the luxury of our lives might introduce +diseases, did not our daily exercise prevent them. This gives us an +appetite and relish for our dainties, and at the same time an antidote +against the evil effects which sloth, united with luxury, induces on the +habit of a human body. Our women we enjoy with ecstasies at least equal +to what the greatest men feel in their embraces. I can, I am assured, +say of myself, that no mortal could reap more perfect happiness from +the tender passion than my fortune had decreed me. I married a charming +young woman for love; she was the daughter of a neighboring beggar, who, +with an improvidence too often seen, spent a very large income which he +procured by his profession, so that he was able to give her no +fortune down; however, at his death he left her a very well accustomed +begging-hut, situated on the side of a steep hill, where travelers +could not immediately escape from us, and a garden adjoining, being the +twenty-eighth part of an acre, well planted. + +"She made the best of wives, bore me nineteen children, and never failed, +unless on her lying-in, which generally lasted three days, to get +my supper ready against my return home in an evening; this being my +favorite meal, and at which I, as well as my whole family, greatly +enjoyed ourselves; the principal subject of our discourse being +generally the boons we had that day obtained, on which occasions, +laughing at the folly of the donors made no inconsiderable part of +the entertainment; for, whatever might be their motive for giving, we +constantly imputed our success to our having flattered their vanity, or +overreached their understanding. + +"But perhaps I have dwelt too long on this character; I shall conclude, +therefore, with telling you that after a life of 102 years' continuance, +during all which I had never known any sickness or infirmity but that +which old age necessarily induced, I at last, without the least pain, +went out like the snuff of a candle. + +"Minos, having heard my history, bid me compute, if I could, how +many lies I had told in my life. As we are here, by a certain fated +necessity, obliged to confine ourselves to truth, I answered, I believed +about 50,000,000. He then replied, with a frown, 'Can such a wretch +conceive any hopes of entering Elysium?' I immediately turned about, +and, upon the whole, was rejoiced at his not calling me back." + + + + +CHAPTER XX + + Julian performs the part of a statesman. + +"It was now my fortune to be born of a German princess; but a +man-midwife, pulling my head off in delivering my mother, put a speedy +end to my princely life. + +"Spirits who end their lives before they are at the age of five years +are immediately ordered into other bodies; and it was now my fortune +to perform several infancies before I could again entitle myself to an +examination of Minos. + +"At length I was destined once more to play a considerable part on the +stage. I was born in England, in the reign of Ethelred II. My father's +name was Ulnoth: he was earl or thane of Sussex. I was afterwards known +by the name of earl Goodwin, and began to make a considerable figure +in the world in the time of Harold Harefoot, whom I procured to be made +king of Wessex, or the West Saxons, in prejudice of Hardicanute, whose +mother Emma endeavored afterwards to set another of her sons on the +throne; but I circumvented her, and, communicating her design to the +king, at the same time acquainted him with a project which I had formed +for the murder of these two young princes. Emma had sent for these her +sons from Normandy, with the king's leave, whom she had deceived by her +religious behavior, and pretended neglect of all worldly affairs; but I +prevailed with Harold to invite these princes to his court, and put +them to death. The prudent mother sent only Alfred, retaining Edward +to herself, as she suspected my ill designs, and thought I should not +venture to execute them on one of her sons, while she secured the other; +but she was deceived, for I had no sooner Alfred in my possession than +I caused him to be conducted to Ely, where I ordered his eyes to be put +out, and afterwards to be confined in a monastery. + +"This was one of those cruel expedients which great men satisfy +themselves well in executing, by concluding them to be necessary to the +service of their prince, who is the support of their ambition. + +"Edward, the other son of Emma, escaped again to Normandy; whence, after +the death of Harold and Hardicanute, he made no scruple of applying to +my protection and favor, though he had before prosecuted me with all the +vengeance he was able, for the murder of his brother; but in all great +affairs private relation must yield to public interest. Having therefore +concluded very advantageous terms for myself with him, I made no scruple +of patronizing his cause, and soon placed him on the throne. Nor did I +conceive the least apprehension from his resentment, as I knew my power +was too great for him to encounter. + +"Among other stipulated conditions, one was to marry my daughter Editha. +This Edward consented to with great reluctance, and I had afterwards +no reason to be pleased with it; for it raised her, who had been my +favorite child, to such an opinion of greatness, that, instead of paying +me the usual respect, she frequently threw in my teeth (as often at +least as I gave her any admonition), that she was now a queen, and +that the character and title of father merged in that of subject. This +behavior, however, did not cure me of my affection towards her, nor +lessen the uneasiness which I afterwards bore on Edward's dismissing her +from his bed. + +"One thing which principally induced me to labor the promotion of Edward +was the simplicity or weakness of that prince, under whom I promised +myself absolute dominion under another name. Nor did this opinion +deceive me; for, during his whole reign, my administration was in the +highest degree despotic: I had everything of royalty but the outward +ensigns; no man ever applying for a place, or any kind of preferment, +but to me only. A circumstance which, as it greatly enriched my coffers, +so it no less pampered my ambition, and satisfied my vanity with a +numerous attendance; and I had the pleasure of seeing those who only +bowed to the king prostrating themselves before me. + +"Edward the Confessor, or St. Edward, as some have called him, in +derision I suppose, being a very silly fellow, had all the faults +incident, and almost inseparable, to fools. He married my daughter +Editha from his fear of disobliging me; and afterwards, out of hatred to +me, refused even to consummate his marriage, though she was one of the +most beautiful women of her age. He was likewise guilty of the basest +ingratitude to his mother (a vice to which fools are chiefly, if not +only, liable); and, in return for her endeavors to procure him a throne +in his youth, confined her in a loathsome prison in her old age. +This, it is true, he did by my advice; but as to her walking over nine +plowshares red-hot, and giving nine manors, when she had not one in her +possession, there is not a syllable of veracity in it. + +"The first great perplexity I fell into was on the account of my son +Swane, who had deflowered the abbess of Leon, since called Leominster, +in Herefordshire. After this fact he retired into Denmark, whence he +sent to me to obtain his pardon. The king at first refused it, being +moved thereto, as I afterwards found, by some churchmen, particularly by +one of his chaplains, whom I had prevented from obtaining a bishopric. +Upon this my son Swane invaded the coasts with several ships, and +committed many outrageous cruelties; which, indeed, did his business, as +they served me to apply to the fear of this king, which I had long +since discovered to be his predominant passion. And, at last, he who had +refused pardon to his first offense submitted to give it him after he +had committed many other more monstrous crimes; by which his pardon lost +all grace to the offended, and received double censure from all others. + +"The king was greatly inclined to the Normans, had created a Norman +archbishop of Canterbury, and had heaped extraordinary favors on him. +I had no other objection to this man than that he rose without my +assistance; a cause of dislike which, in the reign of great and powerful +favorites, hath often proved fatal to the persons who have given it, +as the persons thus raised inspire us constantly with jealousies and +apprehensions. For when we promote any one ourselves, we take effectual +care to preserve such an ascendant over him, that we can at any time +reduce him to his former degree, should he dare to act in opposition to +our wills; for which reason we never suffer any to come near the +prince but such as we are assured it is impossible should be capable of +engaging or improving his affection; no prime minister, as I apprehend, +esteeming himself to be safe while any other shares the ear of his +prince, of whom we are as jealous as the fondest husband can be of his +wife. Whoever, therefore, can approach him by any other channel than +that of ourselves, is, in our opinion, a declared enemy, and one whom +the first principles of policy oblige us to demolish with the utmost +expedition. For the affection of kings is as precarious as that of +women, and the only way to secure either to ourselves is to keep all +others from them. + +"But the archbishop did not let matters rest on suspicion. He soon gave +open proofs of his interest with the Confessor in procuring an office +of some importance for one Rollo, a Roman of mean extraction and very +despicable parts. When I represented to the king the indecency of +conferring such an honor on such a fellow, he answered me that he was +the archbishop's relation. 'Then, sir,' replied I, 'he is related to +your enemy.' Nothing more passed at that time; but I soon perceived, +by the archbishop's behavior, that the king had acquainted him with our +private discourse; a sufficient assurance of his confidence in him and +neglect of me. + +"The favor of princes, when once lost, is recoverable only by the +gaining a situation which may make you terrible to them. As I had no +doubt of having lost all credit with this king, which indeed had been +originally founded and constantly supported by his fear, so I took the +method of terror to regain it. + +"The earl of Boulogne coming over to visit the king gave me an +opportunity of breaking out into open opposition; for, as the earl was +on his return to France, one of his servants, who was sent before to +procure lodgings at Dover, and insisted on having them in the house of a +private man in spite of the owner's teeth, was, in a fray which ensued, +killed on the spot; and the earl himself, arriving there soon after, +very narrowly escaped with his life. The earl, enraged at this affront, +returned to the king at Gloucester with loud complaints and demands +of satisfaction. Edward consented to his demands, and ordered me to +chastise the rioters, who were under my government as earl of Kent: but, +instead of obeying these orders, I answered, with some warmth, that the +English were not used to punish people unheard, nor ought their +rights and privileges to be violated; that the accused should be first +summoned--if guilty, should make satisfaction both with body and estate, +but, if innocent, should be discharged. Adding, with great ferocity, +that as earl of Kent it was my duty to protect those under my government +against the insults of foreigners. + +"This accident was extremely lucky, as it gave my quarrel with the king +a popular color, and so ingratiated me with the people, that when I +set up my standard, which I soon after did, they readily and cheerfully +listed under my banners and embraced my cause, which I persuaded them +was their own; for that it was to protect them against foreigners that +I had drawn my sword. The word foreigners with an Englishman hath a kind +of magical effect, they having the utmost hatred and aversion to them, +arising from the cruelties they suffered from the Danes and some other +foreign nations. No wonder therefore they espoused my cause in a quarrel +which had such a beginning. + +"But what may be somewhat more remarkable is, that when I afterwards +returned to England from banishment, and was at the head of an army of +the Flemish, who were preparing to plunder the city of London, I still +persisted that I was come to defend the English from the danger of +foreigners, and gained their credit. Indeed, there is no lie so gross +but it may be imposed on the people by those whom they esteem their +patrons and defenders. + +"The king saved his city by being reconciled to me, and taking again my +daughter, whom he had put away from him; and thus, having frightened +the king into what concessions I thought proper, I dismissed my army and +fleet, with which I intended, could I not have succeeded otherwise, to +have sacked the city of London and ravaged the whole country. + +"I was no sooner re-established in the king's favor, or, what was +as well for me, the appearance of it, than I fell violently on the +archbishop. He had of himself retired to his monastery in Normandy; but +that did not content me: I had him formally banished, the see declared +vacant, and then filled up by another. + +"I enjoyed my grandeur a very short time after my restoration to it; for +the king, hating and fearing me to a very great degree, and finding no +means of openly destroying me, at last effected his purpose by poison, +and then spread abroad a ridiculous story, of my wishing the next +morsel might choke me if I had had any hand in the death of Alfred; and, +accordingly, that the next morsel, by a divine judgment, stuck in my +throat and performed that office. + +"This of a statesman was one of my worst stages in the other world. It +is a post subjected daily to the greatest danger and inquietude, and +attended with little pleasure and less ease. In a word, it is a pill +which, was it not gilded over by ambition, would appear nauseous and +detestable in the eye of every one; and perhaps that is one reason why +Minos so greatly compassionates the case of those who swallow it: for +that just judge told me he always acquitted a prime minister who could +produce one single good action in his whole life, let him have committed +ever so many crimes. Indeed, I understood him a little too largely, +and was stepping towards the gate; but he pulled me by the sleeve, and, +telling me no prime minister ever entered there, bid me go back again; +saying, he thought I had sufficient reason to rejoice in my escaping +the bottomless pit, which half my crimes committed in any other capacity +would have entitled me to." + + + + +CHAPTER XXI + + Julian's adventures in the post of a soldier. + +"I was born at Caen, in Normandy. My mother's name was Matilda; as for +my father, I am not so certain, for the good woman on her death-bed +assured me she herself could bring her guess to no greater certainty +than to five of duke William's captains. When I was no more than +thirteen (being indeed a surprising stout boy of my age) I enlisted into +the army of duke William, afterwards known by the name of William the +Conqueror, landed with him at Pemesey or Pemsey, in Sussex, and was +present at the famous battle of Hastings. + +"At the first onset it was impossible to describe my consternation, +which was heightened by the fall of two soldiers who stood by me; but +this soon abated, and by degrees, as my blood grew warm, I thought no +more of my own safety, but fell on the enemy with great fury, and did a +good deal of execution; till, unhappily, I received a wound in my thigh, +which rendered me unable to stand any longer, so that I now lay among +the dead, and was constantly exposed to the danger of being trampled to +death, as well by my fellow-soldiers as by the enemy. However, I had the +fortune to escape it, and continued the remaining part of the day and +the night following on the ground. + +"The next morning, the duke sending out parties to bring off the +wounded, I was found almost expiring with loss of blood; notwithstanding +which, as immediate care was taken to dress my wounds, youth and a +robust constitution stood my friends, and I recovered after a long and +tedious indisposition, and was again able to use my limbs and do my +duty. + +"As soon as Dover was taken I was conveyed thither with all the rest of +the sick and wounded. Here I recovered of my wound; but fell afterwards +into a violent flux, which, when it departed, left me so weak that it +was long before I could regain my strength. And what most afflicted me +was, that during my whole illness, when I languished under want as well +as sickness, I had daily the mortification to see and hear the riots +and excess of my fellow-soldiers, who had happily escaped safe from the +battle. + +"I was no sooner well than I was ordered into garrison at Dover Castle. +The officers here fared very indifferently, but the private men much +worse. We had great scarcity of provisions, and, what was yet more +intolerable, were so closely confined for want of room (four of us being +obliged to lie on the same bundle of straw), that many died, and most +sickened. + +"Here I had remained about four months, when one night we were alarmed +with the arrival of the earl of Boulogne, who had come over privily +from France, and endeavored to surprise the castle. The design proved +ineffectual; for the garrison making a brisk sally, most of his men +were tumbled down the precipice, and he returned with a very few back to +France. In this action, however, I had the misfortune to come off with a +broken arm; it was so shattered, that, besides a great deal of pain and +misery which I endured in my cure, I was disabled for upwards of three +months. + +"Soon after my recovery I had contracted an amour with a young +woman whose parents lived near the garrison, and were in much better +circumstances than I had reason to expect should give their consent to +the match. However, as she was extremely fond of me (as I was indeed +distractedly enamored of her), they were prevailed on to comply with her +desires, and the day was fixed for our marriage. + +"On the evening preceding, while I was exulting with the eager +expectation of the happiness I was the next day to enjoy, I received +orders to march early in the morning towards Windsor, where a large army +was to be formed, at the head of which the king intended to march into +the west. Any person who hath ever been in love may easily imagine what +I felt in my mind on receiving those orders; and what still heightened +my torments was, that the commanding officer would not permit any one +to go out of the garrison that evening; so that I had not even an +opportunity of taking leave of my beloved. + +"The morning came which was to have put me in the possession of my +wishes; but, alas! the scene was now changed, and all the hopes which I +had raised were now so many ghosts to haunt, and furies to torment me. + +"It was now the midst of winter, and very severe weather for the season; +when we were obliged to make very long and fatiguing marches, in which +we suffered all the inconveniences of cold and hunger. The night in +which I expected to riot in the arms of my beloved mistress I was +obliged to take up with a lodging on the ground, exposed to the +inclemencies of a rigid frost; nor could I obtain the least comfort of +sleep, which shunned me as its enemy. + +"In short, the horrors of that night are not to be described, or perhaps +imagined. They made such an impression on my soul, that I was forced to +be dipped three times in the river Lethe to prevent my remembering it in +the characters which I afterwards performed in the flesh." + +Here I interrupted Julian for the first time, and told him no such +dipping had happened to me in my voyage from one world to the other: +but he satisfied me by saying "that this only happened to those spirits +which returned into the flesh, in order to prevent that reminiscence +which Plato mentions, and which would otherwise cause great confusion in +the other world." + +He then proceeded as follows: "We continued a very laborious march to +Exeter, which we were ordered to besiege. The town soon surrendered, and +his majesty built a castle there, which he garrisoned with his Normans, +and unhappily I had the misfortune to be one of the number. + +"Here we were confined closer than I had been at Dover; for, as the +citizens were extremely disaffected, we were never suffered to go +without the walls of the castle; nor indeed could we, unless in large +bodies, without the utmost danger. We were likewise kept to continual +duty, nor could any solicitations prevail with the commanding officer +to give me a month's absence to visit my love, from whom I had no +opportunity of hearing in all my long absence. + +"However, in the spring, the people being more quiet, and another +officer of a gentler temper succeeding to the principal command, I +obtained leave to go to Dover; but alas! what comfort did my long +journey bring me? I found the parents of my darling in the utmost misery +at her loss; for she had died, about a week before my arrival, of a +consumption, which they imputed to her pining at my sudden departure. + +"I now fell into the most violent and almost raving fit of despair. I +cursed myself, the king, and the whole world, which no longer seemed +to have any delight for me. I threw myself on the grave of my deceased +love, and lay there without any kind of sustenance for two whole days. +At last hunger, together with the persuasions of some people who took +pity on me, prevailed with me to quit that situation, and refresh myself +with food. They then persuaded me to return to my post, and abandon a +place where almost every object I saw recalled ideas to my mind which, +as they said, I should endeavor with my utmost force to expel from it. +This advice at length succeeded; the rather, as the father and mother of +my beloved refused to see me, looking on me as the innocent but certain +cause of the death of their only child. + +"The loss of one we tenderly love, as it is one of the most bitter and +biting evils which attend human life, so it wants the lenitive which +palliates and softens every other calamity; I mean that great reliever, +hope. No man can be so totally undone, but that he may still cherish +expectation: but this deprives us of all such comfort, nor can anything +but time alone lessen it. This, however, in most minds, is sure to +work a slow but effectual remedy; so did it in mine: for within a +twelve-month I was entirely reconciled to my fortune, and soon after +absolutely forgot the object of a passion from which I had promised +myself such extreme happiness, and in the disappointment of which I had +experienced such inconceivable misery. + +"At the expiration of the month I returned to my garrison at Exeter; +where I was no sooner arrived than I was ordered to march into the +north, to oppose a force there levied by the earls of Chester and +Northumberland. We came to York, where his majesty pardoned the heads of +the rebels, and very severely punished some who were less guilty. It was +particularly my lot to be ordered to seize a poor man who had never been +out of his house, and convey him to prison. I detested this barbarity, +yet was obliged to execute it; nay, though no reward would have bribed +me in a private capacity to have acted such a part, yet so much sanctity +is there in the commands of a monarch or general to a soldier, that +I performed it without reluctance, nor had the tears of his wife and +family any prevalence with me. + +"But this, which was a very small piece of mischief in comparison with +many of my barbarities afterwards, was however, the only one which +ever gave me any uneasiness; for when the king led us afterwards into +Northumberland to revenge those people's having joined with Osborne the +Dane in his invasion, and orders were given us to commit what ravages +we could, I was forward in fulfilling them, and, among some lesser +cruelties (I remember it yet with sorrow), I ravished a woman, murdered +a little infant playing in her lap, and then burned her house. In short, +for I have no pleasure in this part of my relation, I had my share +in all the cruelties exercised on those poor wretches; which were so +grievous, that for sixty miles together, between York and Durham, not a +single house, church, or any other public or private edifice, was left +standing. + +"We had pretty well devoured the country, when we were ordered to march +to the Isle of Ely, to oppose Hereward, a bold and stout soldier, who +had under him a very large body of rebels, who had the impudence to rise +against their king and conqueror (I talk now in the same style I did +then) in defense of their liberties, as they called them. These were +soon subdued; but as I happened (more to my glory than my comfort) to +be posted in that part through which Hereward cut his way, I received +a dreadful cut on the forehead, a second on the shoulder, and was run +through the body with a pike. + +"I languished a long time with these wounds, which made me incapable of +attending the king into Scotland. However, I was able to go over with +him afterwards into Normandy, in his expedition against Philip, who +had taken the opportunity of the troubles in England to invade that +province. Those few Normans who bad survived their wounds, and had +remained in the Isle of Ely, were all of our nation who went, the rest +of his army being all composed of English. In a skirmish near the town +of Mans my leg was broke and so shattered that it was forced to be cut +off. + +"I was now disabled from serving longer in the army; and accordingly, +being discharged from the service, I retired to the place of my +nativity, where, in extreme poverty, and frequent bad health from the +many wounds I had received, I dragged on a miserable life to the age of +sixty-three; my only pleasure being to recount the feats of my youth, in +which narratives I generally exceeded the truth. + +"It would be tedious and unpleasant to recount to you the several +miseries I suffered after my return to Caen; let it suffice, they +were so terrible that they induced Minos to compassionate me, and, +notwithstanding the barbarities I had been guilty of in Northumberland, +to suffer me to go once more back to earth." + + + + +CHAPTER XXII + + What happened to Julian in the person of a tailor. + +"Fortune now stationed me in a character which the ingratitude of +mankind hath put them on ridiculing, though they owe to it not only a +relief from the inclemencies of cold, to which they would otherwise be +exposed, but likewise a considerable satisfaction of their vanity. The +character I mean was that of a tailor; which, if we consider it with due +attention, must be confessed to have in it great dignity and importance. +For, in reality, who constitutes the different degrees between men but +the tailor? the prince indeed gives the title, but it is the tailor who +makes the man. To his labors are owing the respect of crowds, and the +awe which great men inspire into their beholders, though these are too +often unjustly attributed to other motives. Lastly, the admiration of +the fair is most commonly to be placed to his account. + +"I was just set up in my trade when I made three suits of fine clothes +for king Stephen's coronation. I question whether the person who wears +the rich coat hath so much pleasure and vanity in being admired in it, +as we tailors have from that admiration; and perhaps a philosopher +would say he is not so well entitled to it. I bustled on the day of the +ceremony through the crowd, and it was with incredible delight I heard +several say, as my clothes walked by, 'Bless me, was ever anything so +fine as the earl of Devonshire? Sure he and Sir Hugh Bigot are the two +best dressed men I ever saw.' Now both those suits were of my making. + +"There would indeed be infinite pleasure in working for the courtiers, +as they are generally genteel men, and show one's clothes to the best +advantage, was it not for one small discouragement; this is, that they +never pay. I solemnly protest, though I lost almost as much by the court +in my life as I got by the city, I never carried a suit into the latter +with half the satisfaction which I have done to the former; though from +that I was certain of ready money, and from this almost as certain of no +money at all. + +"Courtiers may, however, be divided into two sorts, very essentially +different from each other; into those who never intend to pay for their +clothes; and those who do intend to pay for them, but never happen to be +able. Of the latter sort are many of those young gentlemen whom we equip +out for the army, and who are, unhappily for us, cut off before they +arrive at preferment. This is the reason that tailors, in time of war, +are mistaken for politicians by their inquisitiveness into the event of +battles, one campaign very often proving the ruin of half-a-dozen of us. +I am sure I had frequent reason to curse that fatal battle of Cardigan, +where the Welsh defeated some of king Stephen's best troops, and where +many a good suit of mine unpaid for, fell to the ground. + +"The gentlemen of this honorable calling have fared much better in later +ages than when I was of it; for now it seems the fashion is, when they +apprehend their customer is not in the best circumstances, if they are +not paid as soon as they carry home the suit, they charge him in their +book as much again as it is worth, and then send a gentleman with a +small scrip of parchment to demand the money. If this be not immediately +paid the gentleman takes the beau with him to his house, where he locks +him up till the tailor is contented: but in my time these scrips of +parchment were not in use; and if the beau disliked paying for his +clothes, as very often happened, we had no method of compelling him. + +"In several of the characters which I have related to you, I apprehend I +have sometimes forgot myself, and considered myself as really interested +as I was when I personated them on earth. I have just now caught myself +in the fact; for I have complained to you as bitterly of my customers +as I formerly used to do when I was the tailor: but in reality, though +there were some few persons of very great quality, and some others, who +never paid their debts, yet those were but a few, and I had a method of +repairing this loss. My customers I divided under three heads: those who +paid ready money, those who paid slow, and those who never paid at all. +The first of these I considered apart by themselves, as persons by whom +I got a certain but small profit. The two last I lumped together, making +those who paid slow contribute to repair my losses by those who did not +pay at all. Thus, upon the whole, I was a very inconsiderable loser, and +might have left a fortune to my family, had I not launched forth into +expenses which swallowed up all my gains. I had a wife and two children. +These indeed I kept frugally enough, for I half starved them; but I kept +a mistress in a finer way, for whom I had a country-house, pleasantly +situated on the Thames, elegantly fitted up and neatly furnished. +This woman might very properly be called my mistress, for she was most +absolutely so; and though her tenure was no higher than by my will, +she domineered as tyrannically as if my chains had been riveted in the +strongest manner. To all this I submitted, not through any adoration of +her beauty, which was indeed but indifferent. Her charms consisted in +little wantonnesses, which she knew admirably well to use in hours of +dalliance, and which, I believe, are of all things the most delightful +to a lover. + +"She was so profusely extravagant, that it seemed as if she had an +actual intent to ruin me. This I am sure of, if such had been her real +intention, she could have taken no properer way to accomplish it; nay, +I myself might appear to have had the same view: for, besides this +extravagant mistress and my country-house, I kept likewise a brace of +hunters, rather for that it was fashionable so to do than for any great +delight I took in the sport, which I very little attended; not for want +of leisure, for few noblemen had so much. All the work I ever did was +taking measure, and that only of my greatest and best customers. I scare +ever cut a piece of cloth in my life, nor was indeed much more able to +fashion a coat than any gentleman in the kingdom. This made a skillful +servant too necessary to me. He knew I must submit to any terms with, or +any treatment from, him. + +"He knew it was easier for him to find another such a tailor as me +than for me to procure such another workman as him: for this reason he +exerted the most notorious and cruel tyranny, seldom giving me a civil +word; nor could the utmost condescension on my side, though attended +with continual presents and rewards, and raising his wages, content or +please him. In a word, he was as absolutely my master as was ever an +ambitious, industrious prime minister over an indolent and voluptuous +king. All my other journeymen paid more respect to him than to me; for +they considered my favor as a necessary consequence of obtaining his. + +"These were the most remarkable occurrences while I acted this part. +Minos hesitated a few moments, and then bid me get back again, without +assigning any reason." + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + + The life of alderman Julian. + +"I now revisited England, and was born at London. My father was one of +the magistrates of that city. He had eleven children, of whom I was the +eldest. He had great success in trade, and grew extremely rich, but the +largeness of his family rendered it impossible for him to leave me +a fortune sufficient to live well on independent of business. I was +accordingly brought up to be a fishmonger, in which capacity I myself +afterwards acquired very considerable wealth. + +"The same disposition of mind which in princes is called ambition is in +subjects named faction. To this temper I was greatly addicted from my +youth. I was, while a boy, a great partisan of prince John's against his +brother Richard, during the latter's absence in the holy war and in his +captivity. I was no more than one-and-twenty when I first began to make +political speeches in public, and to endeavor to foment disquietude and +discontent in the city. As I was pretty well qualified for this office, +by a great fluency of words, an harmonious accent, a graceful delivery, +and above all an invincible assurance, I had soon acquired some +reputation among the younger citizens, and some of the weaker and more +inconsiderate of a riper age. This, co-operating with my own natural +vanity, made me extravagantly proud and supercilious. I soon began to +esteem myself a man of some consequence, and to overlook persons every +way my superiors. + +"The famous Robin Hood, and his companion Little John, at this time made +a considerable figure in Yorkshire. I took upon me to write a letter +to the former, in the name of the city, inviting him to come to London, +where I assured him of very good reception, signifying to him my own +great weight and consequence, and how much I had disposed the citizens +in his favor. Whether he received this letter or no I am not certain; +but he never gave me any answer to it. + +"A little afterwards one William Fitz-Osborn, or, as he was nicknamed, +William Long-Beard, began to make a figure in the city. He was a bold +and an impudent fellow, and had raised himself to great popularity with +the rabble, by pretending to espouse their cause against the rich. I +took this man's part, and made a public oration in his favor, setting +him forth as a patriot, and one who had embarked in the cause +of liberty: for which service he did not receive me with the +acknowledgments I expected. However, as I thought I should easily gain +the ascendant over this fellow, I continued still firm on his side, till +the archbishop of Canterbury, with an armed force, put an end to his +progress: for he was seized in Bowchurch, where he had taken refuge, and +with nine of his accomplices hanged in chains. + +"I escaped narrowly myself; for I was seized in the same church with the +rest, and, as I had been very considerably engaged in the enterprise, +the archbishop was inclined to make me an example; but my father's +merit, who had advanced a considerable sum to queen Eleanor towards the +king's ransom, preserved me. + +"The consternation my danger had occasioned kept me some time quiet, and +I applied myself very assiduously to my trade. I invented all manner +of methods to enhance the price of fish, and made use of my utmost +endeavors to engross as much of the business as possible in my own +hands. By these means I acquired a substance which raised me to some +little consequence in the city, but far from elevating me to that degree +which I had formerly flattered myself with possessing at a time when +I was totally insignificant; for, in a trading society, money must at +least lay the foundation of all power and interest. + +"But as it hath been remarked that the same ambition which sent +Alexander into Asia brings the wrestler on the green; and as this same +ambition is as incapable as quicksilver of lying still; so I, who was +possessed perhaps of a share equal to what hath fired the blood of any +of the heroes of antiquity, was no less restless and discontented +with ease and quiet. My first endeavors were to make myself head of +my company, which Richard I had just published, and soon afterwards I +procured myself to be chosen alderman. + +"Opposition is the only state which can give a subject an opportunity of +exerting the disposition I was possessed of. Accordingly, king John +was no sooner seated on his throne than I began to oppose his measures, +whether right or wrong. It is true that monarch had faults enow. He was +so abandoned to lust and luxury, that he addicted himself to the most +extravagant excesses in both, while he indolently suffered the king of +France to rob him of almost all his foreign dominions: my opposition +therefore was justifiable enough, and if my motive from within had been +as good as the occasion from without I should have had little to excuse; +but, in truth, I sought nothing but my own preferment, by making myself +formidable to the king, and then selling to him the interest of that +party by whose means I had become so. Indeed, had the public good been +my care, however zealously I might have opposed the beginning of his +reign, I should not have scrupled to lend him my utmost assistance in +this struggle between him and pope Innocent the third, in which he was +so manifestly in the right; nor have suffered the insolence of that +pope, and the power of the king of France, to have compelled him in +the issue, basely to resign his crown into the hands of the former, and +receive it again as a vassal; by means of which acknowledgment the pope +afterwards claimed this kingdom as a tributary fief to be held of +the papal chair; a claim which occasioned great uneasiness to many +subsequent princes, and brought numberless calamities on the nation. + +"As the king had, among other concessions, stipulated to pay an +immediate sum of money to Pandulph, which he had great difficulty to +raise, it was absolutely necessary for him to apply to the city, where +my interest and popularity were so high that he had no hopes without my +assistance. As I knew this, I took care to sell myself and country +as high as possible. The terms I demanded, therefore, were a place, a +pension, and a knighthood. All those were immediately consented to. I +was forthwith knighted, and promised the other two. + +"I now mounted the hustings, and, without any regard to decency or +modesty, made as emphatical a speech in favor of the king as before +I had done against him. In this speech I justified all those measures +which I had before condemned, and pleaded as earnestly with my +fellow-citizens to open their purses, as I had formerly done to prevail +with them to keep them shut. But, alas! my rhetoric had not the effect +I proposed. The consequence of my arguments was only contempt to +myself. The people at first stared on one another, and afterwards began +unanimously to express their dislike. An impudent fellow among +them, reflecting on my trade, cried out, 'Stinking fish;' which was +immediately reiterated through the whole crowd. I was then forced to +slink away home; but I was not able to accomplish my retreat without +being attended by the mob, who huzza'd me along the street with the +repeated cries of 'Stinking fish.' + +"I now proceeded to court, to inform his majesty of my faithful service, +and how much I had suffered in his cause. I found by my first reception +he had already heard of my success. Instead of thanking me for my +speech, he said the city should repent of their obstinacy, for that he +would show them who he was: and so saying, he immediately turned that +part to me to which the toe of man hath so wonderful an affection, that +it is very difficult, whenever it presents itself conveniently, to keep +our toes from the most violent and ardent salutation of it. + +"I was a little nettled at this behavior, and with some earnestness +claimed the king's fulfilling his promise; but he retired without +answering me. I then applied to some of the courtiers, who had lately +professed great friendship to me, had eat at my house, and invited me to +theirs: but not one would return me any answer, all running away from me +as if I had been seized with some contagious distemper. I now found by +experience, that as none can be so civil, so none can be ruder than a +courtier. + +"A few moments after the king's retiring I was left alone in the room to +consider what I should do or whither I should turn myself. My reception +in the city promised itself to be equal at least with what I found at +court. However, there was my home, and thither it was necessary I should +retreat for the present. + +"But, indeed, bad as I apprehended my treatment in the city would be, +it exceeded my expectation. I rode home on an ambling pad through crowds +who expressed every kind of disregard and contempt; pelting me not +only with the most abusive language, but with dirt. However, with much +difficulty I arrived at last at my own house, with my bones whole, but +covered over with filth. + +"When I was got within my doors, and had shut them against the mob, who +had pretty well vented their spleen, and seemed now contented to retire, +my wife, whom I found crying over her children, and from whom I +had hoped some comfort in my afflictions, fell upon me in the most +outrageous manner. She asked me why I would venture on such a step, +without consulting her; she said her advice might have been civilly +asked, if I was resolved not to have been guided by it. That, whatever +opinion I might have conceived of her understanding, the rest of the +world thought better of it. That I had never failed when I had asked +her counsel, nor ever succeeded without it;--with much more of the +same kind, too tedious to mention; concluding that it was a monstrous +behavior to desert my party and come over to the court. + +"An abuse which I took worse than all the rest, as she had been +constantly for several years assiduous in railing at the opposition, +in siding with the court-party, and begging me to come over to it; and +especially after my mentioning the offer of knighthood to her, since +which time she had continually interrupted my repose with dinning in +my ears the folly of refusing honors and of adhering to a party and to +principles by which I was certain of procuring no advantage to myself +and my family. + +"I had now entirely lost my trade, so that I had not the least +temptation to stay longer in a city where I was certain of receiving +daily affronts and rebukes. I therefore made up my affairs with the +utmost expedition, and, scraping together all I could, retired into the +country, where I spent the remainder of my days in universal contempt, +being shunned by everybody, perpetually abused by my wife, and not much +respected by my children. + +"Minos told me, though I had been a very vile fellow, he thought my +sufferings made some atonement, and so bid me take the other trial." + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV + + Julian recounts what happened to him while he was a poet. + +"Rome was now the seat of my nativity, where I was born of a family more +remarkable for honor than riches. I was intended for the church, and +had a pretty good education; but my father dying while I was young, and +leaving me nothing, for he had wasted his whole patrimony, I was forced +to enter myself in the order of mendicants. + +"When I was at school I had a knack of rhyming, which I unhappily +mistook for genius, and indulged to my cost; for my verses drew on me +only ridicule, and I was in contempt called the poet. + +"This humor pursued me through my life. My first composition after I +left school was a panegyric on pope Alexander IV, who then pretended a +project of dethroning the king of Sicily. On this subject I composed a +poem of about fifteen thousand lines, which with much difficulty I got +to be presented to his holiness, of whom I expected great preferment as +my reward; but I was cruelly disappointed: for when I had waited a year, +without hearing any of the commendations I had flattered myself with +receiving, and being now able to contain no longer, I applied to a +Jesuit who was my relation, and had the pope's ear, to know what his +holiness's opinion was of my work: he coldly answered me that he was +at that time busied in concerns of too much importance to attend the +reading of poems. + +"However dissatisfied I might be, and really was, with this reception, +and however angry I was with the pope? for whose understanding I +entertained an immoderate contempt, I was not yet discouraged from +a second attempt. Accordingly, I soon after produced another work, +entitled, The Trojan Horse. This was an allegorical work, in which the +church was introduced into the world in the same manner as that machine +had been into Troy. The priests were the soldiers in its belly, and the +heathen superstition the city to be destroyed by them. This poem was +written in Latin. I remember some of the lines:-- + + Mundanos scandit fatalis machina muros, + Farta sacerdotum turmis: exinde per alvum + Visi exire omnes, maguo cum murmure olentes. + Non aliter quam cum llumanis furibundus ab antris + It sonus et nares simul aura invadit hiantes. + Mille scatent et mille alii; trepidare timore + Ethnica gens coepit: falsi per inane volantes + Effugere Dei--Desertaque templa relinquunt. + Jam magnum crepitavit equus, mox orbis et alti + Ingemuere poli: tunc tu pater, ultimus omnium + Maxime Alexander, ventrem maturus equinum + Deseris, heu proles meliori digne parente." + +"I believe Julian, had I not stopped him, would have gone through the +whole poem (for, as I observed in most of the characters he related, the +affections he had enjoyed while he personated them on earth still made +some impression on him); but I begged him to omit the sequel of the +poem, and proceed with his history. He then recollected himself, and, +smiling at the observation which by intuition he perceived I had made, +continued his narration as follows:-- + +"I confess to you," says he, "that the delight in repeating our own +works is so predominant in a poet, that I find nothing can totally root +it out of the soul. Happy would it be for those persons if their hearers +could be delighted in the same manner: but alas! hence that ingens +solitudo complained of by Horace: for the vanity of mankind is so much +greedier and more general than their avarice, that no beggar is so ill +received by them as he who solicits their praise. + +"This I sufficiently experienced in the character of a poet; for my +company was shunned (I believe on this account chiefly) by my whole +house: nay, there were few who would submit to hearing me read my +poetry, even at the price of sharing in my provisions. The only +person who gave me audience was a brother poet; he indeed fed me with +commendation very liberally: but, as I was forced to hear and commend in +my turn, I perhaps bought his attention dear enough. + +"Well, sir, if my expectations of the reward I hoped from my first poem +had balked me, I had now still greater reason to complain; for, instead +of being preferred or commended for the second, I was enjoined a very +severe penance by my superior, for ludicrously comparing the pope to a +f--t. My poetry was now the jest of every company, except some few who +spoke of it with detestation; and I found that, instead of recommending +me to preferment, it had effectually barred me from all probability of +attaining it. + +"These discouragements had now induced me to lay down my pen and write +no more. But, as Juvenal says, + + --Si discedas, Laqueo tenet ambitiosi + Consuetudo mali. + +"I was an example of the truth of this assertion, for I soon betook +myself again to my muse. Indeed, a poet hath the same happiness with a +man who is dotingly fond of an ugly woman. The one enjoys his muse, and +the other his mistress, with a pleasure very little abated by the esteem +of the world, and only undervalues their taste for not corresponding +with his own. + +"It is unnecessary to mention any more of my poems; they had all the +same fate; and though in reality some of my latter pieces deserved (I +may now speak it without the imputation of vanity) a better success, +as I had the character of a bad writer, I found it impossible ever to +obtain the reputation of a good one. Had I possessed the merit of Homer +I could have hoped for no applause; since it must have been a profound +secret; for no one would now read a syllable of my writings. + +"The poets of my age were, as I believe you know, not very famous. +However, there was one of some credit at that time, though I have the +consolation to know his works are all perished long ago. The malice, +envy, and hatred I bore this man are inconceivable to any but an author, +and an unsuccessful one; I never could bear to hear him well spoken +of, and writ anonymous satires against him, though I had received +obligations from him; indeed I believe it would have been an absolute +impossibility for him at any rate to have made me sincerely his friend. + +"I have heard an observation which was made by some one of later days, +that there are no worse men than bad authors. A remark of the same kind +hath been made on ugly women, and the truth of both stands on one and +the same reason, viz., that they are both tainted with that cursed and +detestable vice of envy; which, as it is the greatest torment to the +mind it inhabits, so is it capable of introducing into it a total +corruption, and of inspiring it to the commission of the most horrid +crimes imaginable. + +"My life was but short; for I soon pined myself to death with the vice I +just now mentioned. Minos told me I was infinitely too bad for Elysium; +and as for the other place, the devil had sworn he would never entertain +a poet for Orpheus's sake: so I was forced to return again to the place +from whence I came." + + + + +CHAPTER XXV + + Julian performs the parts of a knight and a dancing-master. + +"I now mounted the stage in Sicily, and became a knight-templar; but, +as my adventures differ so little from those I have recounted you in the +character of a common soldier, I shall not tire you with repetition. The +soldier and the captain differ in reality so little from one another, +that it requires an accurate judgment to distinguish them; the latter +wears finer clothes, and in times of success lives somewhat more +delicately; but as to everything else, they very nearly resemble one +another. + +"My next step was into France, where fortune assigned me the part of a +dancing-master. I was so expert in my profession that I was brought to +court in my youth, and had the heels of Philip de Valois, who afterwards +succeeded Charles the Fair, committed to my direction. + +"I do not remember that in any of the characters in which I appeared on +earth I ever assumed to myself a greater dignity, or thought myself +of more real importance, than now. I looked on dancing as the greatest +excellence of human nature, and on myself as the greatest proficient +in it. And, indeed, this seemed to be the general opinion of the whole +court; for I was the chief instructor of the youth of both sexes, whose +merit was almost entirely defined by the advances they made in that +science which I had the honor to profess. As to myself, I was so fully +persuaded of this truth, that I not only slighted and despised those who +were ignorant of dancing, but I thought the highest character I +could give any man was that he made a graceful bow: for want of which +accomplishment I had a sovereign contempt for most persons of learning; +nay, for some officers in the army, and a few even of the courtiers +themselves. + +"Though so little of my youth had been thrown away in what they call +literature that I could hardly write and read, yet I composed a treatise +on education; the first rudiments of which, as I taught, were to +instruct a child in the science of coming handsomely into a room. In +this I corrected many faults of my predecessors, particularly that of +being too much in a hurry, and instituting a child in the sublimer parts +of dancing before they are capable of making their honors. + +"But as I have not now the same high opinion of my profession which I +had then, I shall not entertain you with a long history of a life which +consisted of borees and coupees. Let it suffice that I lived to a very +old age and followed my business as long as I could crawl. At length I +revisited my old friend Minos, who treated me with very little respect +and bade me dance back again to earth. + + "I did so, and was now once more born an Englishman, bred up to +the church, and at length arrived to the station of a bishop. + +"Nothing was so remarkable in this character as my always voting-- +[10]." + + + + +BOOK XIX + + + +CHAPTER VII + + Wherein Anna Boleyn relates the history of her life. + +"I am going now truly to recount a life which from the time of its +ceasing has been, in the other world, the continual subject of the +cavils of contending parties; the one making me as black as hell, the +other as pure and innocent as the inhabitants of this blessed place; the +mist of prejudice blinding their eyes, and zeal for what they themselves +profess, making everything appear in that light which they think most +conduces to its honor. + +"My infancy was spent in my father's house, in those childish plays +which are most suitable to that state, and I think this was one of the +happiest parts of my life; for my parents were not among the number +of those who look upon their children as so many objects of a tyrannic +power, but I was regarded as the dear pledge of a virtuous love, and all +my little pleasures were thought from their indulgence their greatest +delight. At seven years old I was carried into France with the king's +sister, who was married to the French king, where I lived with a person +of quality, who was an acquaintance of my father's. I spent my time +in learning those things necessary to give young persons of fashion a +polite education, and did neither good nor evil, but day passed after +day in the same easy way till I was fourteen; then began my anxiety, my +vanity grew strong, and my heart fluttered with joy at every compliment +paid to my beauty: and as the lady with whom I lived was of a gay, +cheerful disposition, she kept a great deal of company, and my youth and +charms made me the continual object of their admiration. I passed some +little time in those exulting raptures which are felt by every woman +perfectly satisfied with herself and with the behavior of others +towards her: I was, when very young, promoted to be maid of honor to her +majesty. The court was frequented by a young nobleman whose beauty +was the chief subject of conversation in all assemblies of ladies. The +delicacy of his person, added to a great softness in his manner, gave +everything he said and did such an air of tenderness, that every woman +he spoke to flattered herself with being the object of his love. I was +one of those who was vain enough of my own charms to hope to make a +conquest of him whom the whole court sighed for. I now thought every +other object below my notice; yet the only pleasure I proposed to myself +in this design was, the triumphing over that heart which I plainly saw +all the ladies of the highest quality and the greatest beauty would have +been proud of possessing. I was yet too young to be very artful; but +nature, without any assistance, soon discovers to a man who is used +to gallantry a woman's desire to be liked by him, whether that desire +arises from any particular choice she makes of him, or only from +vanity. He soon perceived my thoughts, and gratified my utmost wishes by +constantly preferring me before all other women, and exerting his utmost +gallantry and address to engage my affections. This sudden happiness, +which I then thought the greatest I could have had, appeared visible in +all my actions; I grew so gay and so full of vivacity that it made +my person appear still to a better advantage, all my acquaintance +pretending to be fonder of me than ever: though, young as I was, I +plainly saw it was but pretense, for through all their endeavors to the +contrary envy would often break forth in sly insinuations and +malicious sneers, which gave me fresh matter of triumph, and frequent +opportunities of insulting them, which I never let slip, for now first +my female heart grew sensible of the spiteful pleasure of seeing another +languish for what I enjoyed. Whilst I was in the height of my happiness +her majesty fell ill of a languishing distemper, which obliged her to go +into the country for the change of air: my place made it necessary for +me to attend her, and which way he brought it about I can't imagine, but +my young hero found means to be one of that small train that waited on +my royal mistress, although she went as privately as possible. Hitherto +all the interviews I had ever had with him were in public, and I only +looked on him as the fitter object to feed that pride which had no other +view but to show its power; but now the scene was quite changed. My +rivals, were all at a distance: the place we went to was as charming +as the most agreeable natural situation, assisted by the greatest art, +could make it; the pleasant solitary walks the singing of birds, the +thousand pretty romantic scenes this delightful place afforded, gave a +sudden turn to my mind; my whole soul was melted into softness, and all +my vanity was fled. My spark was too much used to affairs of this nature +not to perceive this change; at first the profuse transports of his joy +made me believe him wholly mine, and this belief gave me such happiness +that no language affords words to express it, and can be only known to +those who have felt it. But this was of a very short duration, for +I soon found I had to do with one of those men whose only end in the +pursuit of a woman is to make her fall a victim to an insatiable desire +to be admired. His designs had succeeded, and now he every day grew +colder, and, as if by infatuation, my passion every day increased; and, +notwithstanding all my resolutions and endeavors to the contrary, my +rage at the disappointment at once both of my love and pride, and at the +finding a passion fixed in my breast I knew not how to conquer, broke +out into that inconsistent behavior which must always be the consequence +of violent passions. One moment I reproached him, the next I grew to +tenderness and blamed myself, and thought I fancied what was not true: +he saw my struggle and triumphed in it; but, as he had not witnesses +enough there of his victory to give him the full enjoyment of it, +he grew weary of the country and returned to Paris, and left me in a +condition it is utterly impossible to describe. My mind was like a city +up in arms, all confusion; and every new thought was a fresh disturber +of my peace. Sleep quite forsook me, and the anxiety I suffered threw me +into a fever which had like to have cost me my life. With great care I +recovered, but the violence of the distemper left such a weakness on +my body that the disturbance of my mind was greatly assuaged; and now I +began to comfort myself in the reflection that this gentleman's being +a finished coquette was very likely the only thing could have preserved +me; for he was the only man from whom I was ever in any danger. By that +time I was got tolerably well we returned to Paris; and I confess I both +wished and feared to see this cause of all my pain: however, I hoped, +by the help of my resentment, to be able to meet him with indifference. +This employed my thoughts till our arrival. The next day there was a +very full court to congratulate the queen on her recovery; and amongst +the rest my love appeared dressed and adorned as if he designed some +new conquest. Instead of seeing a woman he despised and slighted, +he approached me with that assured air which is common to successful +coxcombs. At the same time I perceived I was surrounded by all those +ladies who were on his account my greatest enemies, and, in revenge, +wished for nothing more than to see me make a ridiculous figure. This +situation so perplexed my thoughts, that when he came near enough to +speak to me, I fainted away in his arms. Had I studied which way I +could gratify him most, it was impossible to have done anything to have +pleased him more. Some that stood by brought smelling-bottles, and used +means for my recovery; and I was welcomed to returning life by all those +repartees which women enraged by envy are capable of venting. One cried +'Well, I never thought my lord had anything so frightful in his person +or so fierce in his manner as to strike a young lady dead at the sight +of him.' 'No, no,' says another, 'some ladies' senses are more apt to +be hurried by agreeable than disagreeable objects.' With many more such +sort of speeches which showed more malice than wit. This not being able +to bear, trembling, and with but just strength enough to move, I crawled +to my coach and hurried home. When I was alone, and thought on what had +happened to me in a public court, I was at first driven to the utmost +despair; but afterwards, when I came to reflect, I believe this accident +contributed more to my being cured of my passion than any other could +have done. I began to think the only method to pique the man who had +used me so barbarously, and to be revenged on my spiteful rivals, was to +recover that beauty which was then languid and had lost its luster, to +let them see I had still charms enough to engage as many lovers as +I could desire, and that I could yet rival them who had thus cruelly +insulted me. These pleasing hopes revived my sinking spirits, and worked +a more effectual cure on me than all the philosophy and advice of the +wisest men could have done. I now employed all my time and care in +adorning my person, and studying the surest means of engaging the +affections of others, while I myself continued quite indifferent; for +I resolved for the future, if ever one soft thought made its way to my +heart, to fly the object of it, and by new lovers to drive the image +from my breast. I consulted my glass every morning, and got such a +command of my countenance that I could suit it to the different tastes +of variety of lovers; and though I was young, for I was not yet +above seventeen, yet my public way of life gave me such continual +opportunities of conversing with men, and the strong desire I now had +of pleasing them led me to make such constant observations on everything +they said or did, that I soon found out the different methods of dealing +with them. I observed that most men generally liked in women what was +most opposite to their own characters; therefore to the grave solid man +of sense I endeavored to appear sprightly and full of spirit; to the +witty and gay, soft and languishing; to the amorous (for they want +no increase of their passions), cold and reserved; to the fearful and +backward, warm and full of fire; and so of all the rest. As to beaux, +and all of those sort of men, whose desires are centered in the +satisfaction of their vanity, I had learned by sad experience the +only way to deal with them was to laugh at them and let their own good +opinion of themselves be the only support of their hopes. I knew, while +I could get other followers, I was sure of them; for the only sign of +modesty they ever give is that of not depending on their own judgments, +but following the opinions of the greatest number. Thus furnished with +maxims, and grown wise by past errors, I in a manner began the world +again: I appeared in all public places handsomer and more lively than +ever, to the amazement of every one who saw me and had heard of the +affair between me and my lord. He himself was much surprised and vexed +at this sudden change, nor could he account how it was possible for +me so soon to shake off those chains he thought he had fixed on me +for life; nor was he willing to lose his conquest in this manner. He +endeavored by all means possible to talk to me again of love, but I +stood fixed to my resolution (in which I was greatly assisted by the +crowd of admirers that daily surrounded me) never to let him explain +himself: for, notwithstanding all my pride, I found the first impression +the heart receives of love is so strong that it requires the most +vigilant care to prevent a relapse. Now I lived three years in a +constant round of diversions, and was made the perfect idol of all the +men that came to court of all ages and all characters. I had several +good matches offered me, but I thought none of them equal to my +merit; and one of my greatest pleasures was to see those women who had +pretended to rival me often glad to marry those whom I had refused. Yet, +notwithstanding this great success of my schemes, I cannot say I was +perfectly happy; for every woman that was taken the least notice of, and +every man that was insensible to my arts, gave me as much pain as all +the rest gave me pleasure; and sometimes little underhand plots which +were laid against my designs would succeed in spite of my care: so that +I really began to grow weary of this manner of life, when my father, +returning from his embassy in France, took me home with him, and carried +me to a little pleasant country-house, where there was nothing grand +or superfluous, but everything neat and agreeable. There I led a life +perfectly solitary. At first the time hung very heavy on my hands, and +I wanted all kind of employment, and I had very like to have fallen into +the height of the vapors, from no other reason but from want of knowing +what to do with myself. But when I had lived here a little time I found +such a calmness in my mind, and such a difference between this and the +restless anxieties I had experienced in a court, that I began to share +the tranquillity that visibly appeared in everything round me. I set +myself to do works of fancy, and to raise little flower-gardens, with +many such innocent rural amusements; which, although they are not +capable of affording any great pleasure, yet they give that serene turn +to the mind which I think much preferable to anything else human nature +is made susceptible of. I now resolved to spend the rest of my days +here, and that nothing should allure me from that sweet retirement, to +be again tossed about with tempestuous passions of any kind. Whilst +I was in this situation, my lord Percy, the earl of Northumberland's +eldest son, by an accident of losing his way after a fox-chase, was met +by my father, about a mile from our house; he came home with him, only +with a design of dining with us, but was so taken with me that he stayed +three days. I had too much experience in all affairs of this kind not +to see presently the influence I had on him; but I was at that time +so entirely free from all ambition, that even the prospect of being a +countess had no effect on me; and I then thought nothing in the world +could have bribed me to have changed my way of life. This young lord, +who was just in his bloom, found his passion so strong, he could not +endure a long absence, but returned again in a week, and endeavored, by +all the means he could think of, to engage me to return his affection. +He addressed me with that tenderness and respect which women on earth +think can flow from nothing but real love; and very often told me that, +unless he could be so happy as by his assiduity and care to make himself +agreeable to me, although he knew my father would eagerly embrace any +proposal from him, yet he would suffer that last of miseries of never +seeing me more rather than owe his own happiness to anything that might +be the least contradiction to my inclinations. This manner of proceeding +had something in it so noble and generous, that by degrees it raised a +sensation in me which I know not how to describe, nor by what name +to call it: it was nothing like my former passion: for there was no +turbulence, no uneasy waking nights attending it, but all I could with +honor grant to oblige him appeared to me to be justly due to his truth +and love, and more the effect of gratitude than of any desire of my own. +The character I had heard of him from my father at my first returning +to England, in discoursing of the young nobility, convinced me that if +I was his wife I should have the perpetual satisfaction of knowing every +action of his must be approved by all the sensible part of mankind; so +that very soon I began to have no scruple left but that of leaving my +little scene of quietness, and venturing again into the world. But +this, by his continual application and submissive behavior, by degrees +entirely vanished, and I agreed he should take his own time to break +it to my father, whose consent he was not long in obtaining; for such +a match was by no means to be refused. There remained nothing now to be +done but to prevail with the earl of Northumberland to comply with what +his son so ardently desired; for which purpose he set out immediately +for London, and begged it as the greatest favor that I would accompany +my father, who was also to go thither the week following. I could not +refuse his request, and as soon as we arrived in town he flew to me with +the greatest raptures to inform me his father was so good that, finding +his happiness depended on his answer, he had given him free leave to +act in this affair as would best please himself, and that he had now no +obstacle to prevent his wishes. It was then the beginning of the winter, +and the time for our marriage was fixed for the latter end of March: the +consent of all parties made his access to me very easy, and we conversed +together both with innocence and pleasure. As his fondness was so great +that he contrived all the methods possible to keep me continually in his +sight, he told me one morning he was commanded by his father to attend +him to court that evening, and begged I would be so good as to meet +him there. I was now so used to act as he would have me that I made no +difficulty of complying with his desire. Two days after this, I was very +much surprised at perceiving such a melancholy in his countenance, +and alteration in his behavior, as I could no way account for; but, +by importunity, at last I got from him that cardinal Wolsey, for what +reason he knew not, had peremptorily forbid him to think any more of +me: and, when he urged that his father was not displeased with it, the +cardinal, in his imperious manner, answered him, he should give his +father such convincing reasons why it would be attended with great +inconveniences, that he was sure he could bring him to be of his +opinion. On which he turned from him, and gave him no opportunity of +replying. I could not imagine what design the cardinal could have in +intermeddling in this match, and I was still more perplexed to find that +my father treated my lord Percy with much more coldness than usual; he +too saw it, and we both wondered what could possibly be the cause of all +this. But it was not long before the mystery was all made clear by my +father, who, sending for me one day into his chamber, let me into a +secret which was as little wished for as expected. He began with the +surprising effects of youth and beauty, and the madness of letting go +those advantages they might procure us till it was too late, when we +might wish in vain to bring them back again. I stood amazed at this +beginning; he saw my confusion, and bid me sit down and attend to what +he was going to tell me, which was of the greatest consequence; and he +hoped I would be wise enough to take his advice, and act as he should +think best for my future welfare. He then asked me if I should not be +much pleased to be a queen? I answered, with the greatest earnestness, +that, so far from it, I would not live in a court again to be the +greatest queen in the world; that I had a lover who was both desirous +and able to raise my station even beyond my wishes. I found this +discourse was very displeasing; my father frowned, and called me a +romantic fool, and said if I would hearken to him he could make me a +queen; for the cardinal had told him that the king, from the time he +saw me at court the other night, liked me, and intended to get a divorce +from his wife, and to put me in her place; and ordered him to find some +method to make me a maid of honor to her present majesty, that in the +meantime he might have an opportunity of seeing me. It is impossible to +express the astonishment these words threw me into; and, notwithstanding +that the moment before, when it appeared at so great a distance, I was +very sincere in my declaration how much it was against my will to be +raised so high, yet now the prospect came nearer, I confess my heart +fluttered, and my eyes were dazzled with a view of being seated on a +throne. + +"My imagination presented before me all the pomp, power and greatness +that attend a crown; and I was so perplexed I knew not what to answer, +but remained as silent as if I had lost the use of my speech. My father, +who guessed what it was that made me in this condition, proceeded to +bring all the arguments he thought most likely to bend me to his will; +at last I recovered from this dream of grandeur, and begged him, by all +the most endearing names I could think of, not to urge me dishonorably +to forsake the man who I was convinced would raise me to an empire if in +his power, and who had enough in his power to give me all I desired. But +he was deaf to all I could say, and insisted that by next week I should +prepare myself to go to court: he bid me consider of it, and not prefer +a ridiculous notion of honor to the real interest of my whole family; +but, above all things, not to disclose what he had trusted me with. On +which he left me to my own thoughts. When I was alone I reflected how +little real tenderness this behavior showed to me, whose happiness he +did not at all consult, but only looked on me as a ladder, on which +he could climb to the height of his own ambitious desires: and when +I thought on his fondness for me in my infancy I could impute it to +nothing but either the liking me as a plaything or the gratification of +his vanity in my beauty. But I was too much divided between a crown and +my engagement to lord Percy to spend much time in thinking of anything +else; and, although my father had positively forbid me, yet, when he +came next, I could not help acquainting him with all that had passed, +with the reserve only of the struggle in my own mind on the first +mention of being a queen. I expected he would have received the news +with the greatest agonies; but he showed no vast emotion: however, he +could not help turning pale, and, taking me by the hand, looked at me +with an air of tenderness, and said, 'If being a queen would make you +happy, and it is in your power to be so, I would not for the world +prevent it, let me suffer what I will.' This amazing greatness of mind +had on me quite the contrary effect from what it ought to have had; for, +instead of increasing my love for him it almost put an end to it, and I +began to think, if he could part with me, the matter was not much. And +I am convinced, when any man gives up the possession of a woman whose +consent he has once obtained, let his motive be ever so generous, he +will disoblige her. I could not help showing my dissatisfaction, and +told him I was very glad this affair sat so easily on him. He had +not power to answer, but was so suddenly struck with this unexpected +ill-natured turn I gave his behavior, that he stood amazed for some +time, and then bowed and left me. Now I was again left to my own +reflections; but to make anything intelligible out of them is quite +impossible: I wished to be a queen, and wished I might not be one: I +would have my lord Percy happy without me; and yet I would not have the +power of my charms be so weak that he could bear the thought of life +after being disappointed in my love. But the result of all these +confused thoughts was a resolution to obey my father. I am afraid there +was not much duty in the case, though at that time I was glad to take +hold of that small shadow to save me from looking on my own actions +in the true light. When my lover came again I looked on him with +that coldness that he could not bear, on purpose to rid myself of all +importunity: for since I had resolved to use him ill I regarded him as +the monument of my shame, and his every look appeared to me to upbraid +me. My father soon carried me to court; there I had no very hard part +to act; for, with the experience I had had of mankind, I could find no +great difficulty in managing a man who liked me, and for whom I not only +did not care but had an utter aversion to: but this aversion he believed +to be virtue; for how credulous is a man who has an inclination to +believe! And I took care sometimes to drop words of cottages and love, +and how happy the woman was who fixed her affections on a man in such a +station of life that she might show her love without being suspected of +hypocrisy or mercenary views. All this was swallowed very easily by the +amorous king, who pushed on the divorce with the utmost impetuosity, +although the affair lasted a good while, and I remained most part of +the time behind the curtain. Whenever the king mentioned it to me I used +such arguments against it as I thought the most likely to make him +the more eager for it; begging that, unless his conscience was really +touched, he would not on my account give any grief to his virtuous +queen; for in being her handmaid I thought myself highly honored; and +that I would not only forego a crown, but even give up the pleasure of +ever seeing him more, rather than wrong my royal mistress. This way of +talking, joined to his eager desire to possess my person, convinced the +king so strongly of my exalted merit, that he thought it a meritorious +act to displace the woman (whom he could not have so good an opinion of, +because he was tired of her), and to put me in her place. After about a +year's stay at court, as the king's love to me began to be talked of, it +was thought proper to remove me, that there might be no umbrage given +to the queen's party. I was forced to comply with this, though greatly +against my will; for I was very jealous that absence might change the +king's mind. I retired again with my father to his country-seat, but +it had no longer those charms for me which I once enjoyed there; for my +mind was now too much taken up with ambition to make room for any other +thoughts. During my stay here, my royal lover often sent gentlemen to +me with messages and letters, which I always answered in the manner I +thought would best bring about my designs, which were to come back again +to court. In all the letters that passed between us there was something +so kingly and commanding in his, and so deceitful and submissive in +mine, that I sometimes could not help reflecting on the difference +betwixt this correspondence and that with lord Percy; yet I was so +pressed forward by the desire of a crown, I could not think of turning +back. In all I wrote I continually praised his resolution of letting me +be at a distance from him, since at this time it conduced indeed to my +honor; but, what was of ten times more weight with me, I thought it was +necessary for his; and I would sooner suffer anything in the world than +be any means of hurt to him, either in his interest or reputation. +I always gave some hints of ill health, with some reflections how +necessary the peace of the mind was to that of the body. By these means +I brought him to recall me again by the most absolute command, which I, +for a little time, artfully delayed (for I knew the impatience of his +temper would not bear any contradictions), till he made my father in +a manner force me to what I most wished, with the utmost appearance of +reluctance on my side. When I had gained this point I began to think +which way I could separate the king from the queen, for hitherto they +lived in the same house. The lady Mary, the queen's daughter, being +then about sixteen, I sought for emissaries of her own age that I could +confide in, to instill into her mind disrespectful thoughts of her +father, and make a jest of the tenderness of his conscience about the +divorce. I knew she had naturally strong passions, and that young people +of that age are apt to think those that pretend to be their friends are +really so, and only speak their minds freely. I afterwards contrived to +have every word she spoke of him carried to the king, who took it all +as I could wish, and fancied those things did not come at first from the +young lady, but from her mother. He would often talk of it to me, and +I agreed with him in his sentiments; but then, as a great proof of my +goodness, I always endeavored to excuse her, by saying a lady so long +time used to be a royal queen might naturally be a little exasperated +with those she fancied would throw her from that station she so justly +deserved. By these sort of plots I found the way to make the king angry +with the queen; for nothing is easier than to make a man angry with a +woman he wants to be rid of, and who stands in the way between him +and his pleasure; so that now the king, on the pretense of the queen's +obstinacy in a point where his conscience was so tenderly concerned, +parted with her. Everything was now plain before me; I had nothing +farther to do but to let the king alone to his own desires; and I had no +reason to fear, since they had carried him so far, but that they would +urge him on to do everything I aimed at. I was created marchioness of +Pembroke. This dignity sat very easy on me; for the thoughts of a much +higher title took from me all feeling of this; and I looked upon being +a marchioness as a trifle, not that I saw the bauble in its true light, +but because it fell short of what I had figured to myself I should soon +obtain. The king's desires grew very impatient, and it was not long +before I was privately married to him. I was no sooner his wife than I +found all the queen come upon me; I felt myself conscious of royalty, +and even the faces of my most intimate acquaintance seemed to me to be +quite strange. I hardly knew them: height had turned my head, and I was +like a man placed on a monument, to whose sight all creatures at a great +distance below him appear like so many little pigmies crawling about +on the earth; and the prospect so greatly delighted me, that I did not +presently consider that in both cases descending a few steps erected +by human hands would place us in the number of those very pigmies who +appeared so despicable. Our marriage was kept private for some time, for +it was not thought proper to make it public (the affair of the divorce +not being finished) till the birth of my daughter Elizabeth made it +necessary. But all who saw me knew it; for my manner of speaking and +acting was so much changed with my station, that all around me plainly +perceived I was sure I was a queen. While it was a secret I had yet +something to wish for; I could not be perfectly satisfied till all the +world was acquainted with my fortune: but when my coronation was over, +and I was raised to the height of my ambition, instead of finding myself +happy, I was in reality more miserable than ever; for, besides that +the aversion I had naturally to the king was much more difficult +to dissemble after marriage than before, and grew into a perfect +detestation, my imagination, which had thus warmly pursued a crown, grew +cool when I was in the possession of it, and gave me time to reflect +what mighty matter I had gained by all this bustle; and I often used to +think myself in the case of the fox-hunter, who, when he has toiled and +sweated all day in the chase as if some unheard-of blessing was to crown +his success, finds at last all he has got by his labor is a stinking +nauseous animal. But my condition was yet worse than his; for he leaves +the loathsome wretch to be torn by his hounds, whilst I was obliged to +fondle mine, and meanly pretend him to be the object of my love. For the +whole time I was in this envied, this exalted state, I led a continual +life of hypocrisy, which I now know nothing on earth can compensate. I +had no companion but the man I hated. I dared not disclose my sentiments +to any person about me, nor did any one presume to enter into any +freedom of conversation with me; but all who spoke to me talked to the +queen, and not to me; for they would have said just the same things to +a dressed-up puppet, if the king had taken a fancy to call it his wife. +And as I knew every woman in the court was my enemy, from thinking she +had much more right than I had to the place I filled, I thought myself +as unhappy as if I had been placed in a wild wood, where there was no +human creature for me to speak to, in a continual fear of leaving any +traces of my footsteps, lest I should be found by some dreadful monster, +or stung by snakes and adders; for such are spiteful women to the +objects of their envy. In this worst of all situations I was obliged to +hide my melancholy and appear cheerful. This threw me into an error the +other way, and I sometimes fell into a levity in my behavior that was +afterwards made use of to my disadvantage. I had a son deadborn, which I +perceived abated something of the king's ardor; for his temper could +not brook the least disappointment. This gave me no uneasiness; for, not +considering the consequences, I could not help being best pleased when I +had least of his company. Afterwards I found he had cast his eyes on one +of my maids of honor; and, whether it was owing to any art of hers, or +only to the king's violent passions, I was in the end used even worse +than my former mistress had been by my means. The decay of the +king's affection was presently seen by all those court-sycophants who +continually watch the motions of royal eyes; and the moment they found +they could be heard against me they turned my most innocent actions and +words, nay, even my very looks, into proofs of the blackest crimes. The +king, who was impatient to enjoy his new love, lent a willing ear to all +my accusers, who found ways of making him jealous that I was false +to his bed. He would not so easily have believed anything against me +before, but he was now glad to flatter himself that he had found a +reason to do just what he had resolved upon without a reason; and on +some slight pretenses and hearsay evidence I was sent to the Tower, +where the lady who was my greatest enemy was appointed to watch me and +lie in the same chamber with me. This was really as bad a punishment as +my death, for she insulted me with those keen reproaches and spiteful +witticisms, which threw me into such vapors and violent fits that I +knew not what I uttered in this condition. She pretended I had confessed +talking ridiculous stuff with a set of low fellows whom I had hardly +ever taken notice of, as could have imposed on none but such as were +resolved to believe. I was brought to my trial, and, to blacken me the +more, accused of conversing criminally with my own brother, whom indeed +I loved extremely well, but never looked on him in any other light than +as my friend. However, I was condemned to be beheaded, or burnt, as the +king pleased; and he was graciously pleased, from the great remains of +his love, to choose the mildest sentence. I was much less shocked at +this manner of ending my life than I should have been in any other +station: but I had had so little enjoyment from the time I had been a +queen, that death was the less dreadful to me. The chief things that lay +on my conscience were the arts I made use of to induce the king to part +with the queen, my ill usage of lady Mary, and my jilting lord Percy. +However, I endeavored to calm my mind as well as I could, and hoped +these crimes would be forgiven me; for in other respects I had led a +very innocent life, and always did all the good-natured actions I found +any opportunity of doing. From the time I had it in my power, I gave a +great deal of money amongst the poor; I prayed very devoutly, and went +to my execution very composedly. Thus I lost my life at the age of +twenty-nine, in which short time I believe I went through more variety +of scenes than many people who live to be very old. I had lived in a +court, where I spent my time in coquetry and gayety; I had experienced +what it was to have one of those violent passions which makes the +mind all turbulence and anxiety; I had had a lover whom I esteemed and +valued, and at the latter part of my life I was raised to a station as +high as the vainest woman could wish. But in all these various changes +I never enjoyed any real satisfaction, unless in the little time I lived +retired in the country free from all noise and hurry, and while I was +conscious I was the object of the love and esteem of a man of sense and +honor." + +On the conclusion of this history Minos paused for a small time, and +then ordered the gate to be thrown open for Anna Boleyn's admittance +on the consideration that whoever had suffered being the queen for four +years, and been sensible during all that time of the real misery which +attends that exalted station, ought to be forgiven whatever she had done +to obtain it. [11] + + + + +Footnotes: + +[Footnote 1: Some doubt whether this should not be rather 1641, which +is a date more agreeable to the account given of it in the introduction: +but then there are some passages which seem to relate to transactions +infinitely later, even within this year or two. To say the truth there +are difficulties attending either conjecture; so the reader may take +which he pleases.] + +[Footnote 2: Eyes are not perhaps so properly adapted to a spiritual +substance; but we are here, as in many other places, obliged to use +corporeal terms to make ourselves the better understood. ] + +[Footnote 3: This is the dress in which the god appears to mortals at +the theaters. One of the offices attributed to this god by the ancients, +was to collect the ghosts as a shepherd doth a flock of sheep, and drive +them with his wand into the other world.] + +[Footnote 4: Those who have read of the gods sleeping in Homer will not +be surprised at this happening to spirits.] + +[Footnote 5: A particular lady of quality is meant here; but every +lady of quality, or no quality, are welcome to apply the character to +themselves.] + +[Footnote 6: We have before made an apology for this language, which +we here repeat for the last time; though the heart may, we hope, be +metaphorically used here with more propriety than when we apply those +passions to the body which belong to the soul.] + +[Footnote 7: That we may mention it once for all, in the panegyrical +part of this work some particular person is always meant: but, in the +satirical, nobody.] + +[Footnote 8: These ladies, I believe, by their names, presided over the +leprosy, king's-evil, and scurvy.] + + +[Footnote 9: This silly story is told as a solemn truth (i.e., that +St. James really appeared in the manner this fellow is described) by +Mariana, 1.7, Section 78.] + +[Footnote 10: Here part of the manuscript is lost, and that a very +considerable one, as appears by the number of the next book and chapter, +which contains, I find, the history of Anna Boleyn; but as to the manner +in which it was introduced, or to whom the narrative is told, we are +totally left in the dark. I have only to remark, that this chapter is, +in the original, writ in a woman's hand: and, though the observations in +it are, I think, as excellent as any in the whole volume, there seems to +be a difference in style between this and the preceding chapters; and, +as it is the character of a woman which is related, I am inclined to +fancy it was really written by one of that sex.] + +[Footnote 11: Here ends this curious manuscript; the rest being +destroyed in rolling up pens, tobacco, &c. It is to be hoped heedless +people will henceforth be more cautious what they burn, or use to other +vile purposes; especially when they consider the fate which had likely +to have befallen the divine Milton, and that the works of Homer were +probably discovered in some chandlers shop in Greece.] + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's From This World to the Next, by Henry Fielding + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FROM THIS WORLD TO THE NEXT *** + +***** This file should be named 1147.txt or 1147.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/4/1147/ + +Produced by Charles Keller + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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