diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 1147-0.txt | 4327 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 1147-h/1147-h.htm | 4842 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/1147-0.txt | 4713 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/1147-0.zip | bin | 0 -> 105537 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/1147-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 109947 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/1147-h/1147-h.htm | 5243 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/1147.txt | 4712 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/1147.zip | bin | 0 -> 105313 bytes |
11 files changed, 23853 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/1147-0.txt b/1147-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9226926 --- /dev/null +++ b/1147-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4327 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 1147 *** + +A JOURNEY FROM THIS WORLD TO THE NEXT + + + +By Henry Fielding + + +CONTENTS: + +INTRODUCTION + + BOOK I + + + CHAPTER I. + The author dies, meets with Mercury, and is by him conducted to + the stage which sets out for the other world + + + CHAPTER II. + In which the author first refutes some idle opinions concerning + spirits, and then the passengers relate their several deaths. + + + CHAPTER III. + The adventures we met with in the City of Diseases + + + CHAPTER IV. + Discourses on the road, and a description of the palace of Death + + + CHAPTER V. + The travelers proceed on their journey, and meet several spirits + who are coming into the flesh + + + CHAPTER VI. + An account of the wheel of fortune, with a method of preparing a + spirit for this world + + + CHAPTER VII. + The proceedings of judge Minos at the gate of Elysium + + + CHAPTER VIII. + The adventures which the author met on his first entrance into Elysium + + + CHAPTER IX. + More adventures in Elysium + + CHAPTER X. + The author is surprised at meeting Julian the apostate in Elysium; + but is satisfied by him by what means he procured his entrance there. + Julian relates his adventures in the character of a slave + + CHAPTER XI. + In which Julian relates his adventures in the character of an + avaricious Jew + + CHAPTER XII. + What happened to Julian in the characters of a general, an heir, + a carpenter, and a beau + + CHAPTER XIII. + Julian passes into a fop + + CHAPTER XIV. + Adventures in the person of a monk + + CHAPTER XV. + Julian passes into the character of a fiddler + + CHAPTER XVI. + The history of the wise man + + CHAPTER XVII. + Julian enters into the person of a king + + CHAPTER XVIII. + Julian passes into a fool + + CHAPTER XIX. + Julian appears in the character of a beggar + + CHAPTER XX. + Julian performs the part of a statesman + + CHAPTER XXI. + Julian’s adventures in the post of a soldier + + CHAPTER XXII. + What happened to Julian in the person of a tailor + + CHAPTER XXIII. + The life of alderman Julian + + CHAPTER XXIV. + Julian recounts what happened to him while he was a poet + + CHAPTER XXV. + Julian performs the parts of a knight and a dancing-master + + + BOOK II. + + CHAPTER VII. + Wherein Anna Boleyn relates the history of her life + + + + + +A JOURNEY FROM THIS WORLD TO THE NEXT + + + + +INTRODUCTION + +Whether the ensuing pages were really the dream or vision of some very +pious and holy person; or whether they were really written in the other +world, and sent back to this, which is the opinion of many (though +I think too much inclining to superstition); or lastly, whether, as +infinitely the greatest part imagine, they were really the production +of some choice inhabitant of New Bethlehem, is not necessary nor easy +to determine. It will be abundantly sufficient if I give the reader an +account by what means they came into my possession. Mr. Robert Powney, +stationer, who dwells opposite to Catherine-street in the Strand, a +very honest man and of great gravity of countenance; who, among other +excellent stationery commodities, is particularly eminent for his pens, +which I am abundantly bound to acknowledge, as I owe to their peculiar +goodness that my manuscripts have by any means been legible: this +gentleman, I say, furnished me some time since with a bundle of those +pens, wrapped up with great care and caution, in a very large sheet of +paper full of characters, written as it seemed in a very bad hand. +Now, I have a surprising curiosity to read everything which is almost +illegible; partly perhaps from the sweet remembrance of the dear +Scrawls, Skrawls, or Skrales (for the word is variously spelled), which +I have in my youth received from that lovely part of the creation for +which I have the tenderest regard; and partly from that temper of mind +which makes men set an immense value on old manuscripts so effaced, +bustoes so maimed, and pictures so black that no one can tell what to +make of them. I therefore perused this sheet with wonderful application, +and in about a day’s time discovered that I could not understand it. I +immediately repaired to Mr. Powney, and inquired very eagerly whether +he had not more of the same manuscript? He produced about one hundred +pages, acquainting me that he had saved no more; but that the book was +originally a huge folio, had been left in his garret by a gentleman +who lodged there, and who had left him no other satisfaction for nine +months’ lodging. He proceeded to inform me that the manuscript had been +hawked about (as he phrased it) among all the booksellers, who refused +to meddle; some alleged that they could not read, others that they could +not understand it. Some would haze it to be an atheistical book, and +some that it was a libel on the government; for one or other of which +reasons they all refused to print it. That it had been likewise shown to +the R--l Society, but they shook their heads, saying, there was nothing +in it wonderful enough for them. That, hearing the gentleman was gone +to the West-Indies, and believing it to be good for nothing else, he had +used it as waste paper. He said I was welcome to what remained, and he +was heartily sorry for what was missing, as I seemed to set some value +on it. + +I desired him much to name a price: but he would receive no +consideration farther than the payment of a small bill I owed him, which +at that time he said he looked on as so much money given him. + +I presently communicated this manuscript to my friend parson Abraham +Adams, who, after a long and careful perusal, returned it me with his +opinion that there was more in it than at first appeared; that the +author seemed not entirely unacquainted with the writings of Plato; but +he wished he had quoted him sometimes in his margin, that I might be +sure (said he) he had read him in the original: for nothing, continued +the parson, is commoner than for men now-a-days to pretend to have read +Greek authors, who have met with them only in translations, and cannot +conjugate a verb in mi. + +To deliver my own sentiments on the occasion, I think the author +discovers a philosophical turn of thinking, with some little knowledge +of the world, and no very inadequate value of it. There are some indeed +who, from the vivacity of their temper and the happiness of their +station, are willing to consider its blessings as more substantial, and +the whole to be a scene of more consequence than it is here represented: +but, without controverting their opinions at present, the number of wise +and good men who have thought with our author are sufficient to keep him +in countenance: nor can this be attended with any ill inference, since +he everywhere teaches this moral: That the greatest and truest happiness +which this world affords, is to be found only in the possession of +goodness and virtue; a doctrine which, as it is undoubtedly true, so +hath it so noble and practical a tendency, that it can never be too +often or too strongly inculcated on the minds of men. + + + + +BOOK I + + + +CHAPTER I + + The author dies, meets with Mercury, and is by him conducted + to the stage which sets out for the other world. + +On the first day of December 1741 [1] I departed this life at my +lodgings in Cheapside. My body had been some time dead before I was at +liberty to quit it, lest it should by any accident return to life: this +is an injunction imposed on all souls by the eternal law of fate, to +prevent the inconveniences which would follow. As soon as the destined +period was expired (being no longer than till the body is become +perfectly cold and stiff) I began to move; but found myself under a +difficulty of making my escape, for the mouth or door was shut, so that +it was impossible for me to go out at it; and the windows, vulgarly +called the eyes, were so closely pulled down by the fingers of a nurse, +that I could by no means open them. At last I perceived a beam of light +glimmering at the top of the house (for such I may call the body I had +been inclosed in), whither ascending, I gently let myself down through a +kind of chimney, and issued out at the nostrils. + +No prisoner discharged from a long confinement ever tasted the sweets +of liberty with a more exquisite relish than I enjoyed in this delivery +from a dungeon wherein I had been detained upwards of forty years, and +with much the same kind of regard I cast my eyes [2] backwards upon it. + +My friends and relations had all quitted the room, being all (as I +plainly overheard) very loudly quarreling below stairs about my +will; there was only an old woman left above to guard the body, as I +apprehend. She was in a fast sleep, occasioned, as from her savor it +seemed, by a comfortable dose of gin. I had no pleasure in this company, +and, therefore, as the window was wide open, I sallied forth into the +open air: but, to my great astonishment, found myself unable to fly, +which I had always during my habitation in the body conceived of +spirits; however, I came so lightly to the ground that I did not hurt +myself; and, though I had not the gift of flying (owing probably to +my having neither feathers nor wings), I was capable of hopping such a +prodigious way at once, that it served my turn almost as well. I had +not hopped far before I perceived a tall young gentleman in a silk +waistcoat, with a wing on his left heel, a garland on his head, and a +caduceus in his right hand. [3] I thought I had seen this person before, +but had not time to recollect where, when he called out to me and asked +me how long I had been departed. I answered I was just come forth. “You +must not stay here,” replied he, “unless you had been murdered: in which +case, indeed, you might have been suffered to walk some time; but if you +died a natural death you must set out for the other world immediately.” + I desired to know the way. “O,” cried the gentleman, “I will show you +to the inn whence the stage proceeds; for I am the porter. Perhaps you +never heard of me--my name is Mercury.” “Sure, sir,” said I, “I +have seen you at the play-house.” Upon which he smiled, and, without +satisfying me as to that point, walked directly forward, bidding me hop +after him. I obeyed him, and soon found myself in Warwick-lane; where +Mercury, making a full stop, pointed at a particular house, where he +bade me enquire for the stage, and, wishing me a good journey, took his +leave, saying he must go seek after other customers. + +I arrived just as the coach was setting out, and found I had no reason +for inquiry; for every person seemed to know my business the moment I +appeared at the door: the coachman told me his horses were to, but +that he had no place left; however, though there were already six, the +passengers offered to make room for me. I thanked them, and ascended +without much ceremony. We immediately began our journey, being seven in +number; for, as the women wore no hoops, three of them were but equal to +two men. Perhaps, reader, thou mayest be pleased with an account of +this whole equipage, as peradventure thou wilt not, while alive, see any +such. The coach was made by an eminent toyman, who is well known to +deal in immaterial substance, that being the matter of which it was +compounded. The work was so extremely fine, that it was entirely +invisible to the human eye. The horses which drew this extraordinary +vehicle were all spiritual, as well as the passengers. They had, +indeed, all died in the service of a certain postmaster; and as for the +coachman, who was a very thin piece of immaterial substance, he had the +honor while alive of driving the Great Peter, or Peter the Great, in +whose service his soul, as well as body, was almost starved to death. +Such was the vehicle in which I set out, and now, those who are not +willing to travel on with me may, if they please, stop here; those who +are, must proceed to the subsequent chapters, in which this journey is +continued. + + + + +CHAPTER II + + In which the author first refutes some idle opinions + concerning spirits, and then the passengers relate their + several deaths. + +It is the common opinion that spirits, like owls, can see in the dark; +nay, and can then most easily be perceived by others. For which reason, +many persons of good understanding, to prevent being terrified with +such objects, usually keep a candle burning by them, that the light may +prevent their seeing. Mr. Locke, in direct opposition to this, hath not +doubted to assert that you may see a spirit in open daylight full as +well as in the darkest night. + +It was very dark when we set out from the inn, nor could we see any +more than if every soul of us had been alive. We had traveled a good way +before any one offered to open his mouth; indeed, most of the company +were fast asleep, [4] but, as I could not close my own eyes, and +perceived the spirit who sat opposite to me to be likewise awake, I +began to make overtures of conversation, by complaining HOW DARK IT WAS. +“And extremely cold too,” answered my fellow traveler; “though, I thank +God, as I have no body, I feel no inconvenience from it: but you will +believe, sir, that this frosty air must seem very sharp to one just +issued forth out of an oven; for such was the inflamed habitation I am +lately departed from.” “How did you come to your end, sir?” said I. +“I was murdered, sir,” answered the gentleman. “I am surprised then,” + replied I, “that you did not divert yourself by walking up and down and +playing some merry tricks with the murderer.” “Oh, sir,” returned he, +“I had not that privilege, I was lawfully put to death. In short, +a physician set me on fire, by giving me medicines to throw out my +distemper. I died of a hot regimen, as they call it, in the small-pox.” + +One of the spirits at that word started up and cried out, “The +small-pox! bless me! I hope I am not in company with that distemper, +which I have all my life with such caution avoided, and have so happily +escaped hitherto!” This fright set all the passengers who were awake +into a loud laughter; and the gentleman, recollecting himself, with some +confusion, and not without blushing, asked pardon, crying, “I protest +I dreamed that I was alive.” “Perhaps, sir,” said I, “you died of that +distemper, which therefore made so strong an impression on you.” “No, +sir,” answered he, “I never had it in my life; but the continual and +dreadful apprehension it kept me so long under cannot, I see, be so +immediately eradicated. You must know, sir, I avoided coming to London +for thirty years together, for fear of the small-pox, till the most +urgent business brought me thither about five days ago. I was so +dreadfully afraid of this disease that I refused the second night of +my arrival to sup with a friend whose wife had recovered of it several +months before, and the same evening got a surfeit by eating too many +muscles, which brought me into this good company.” + +“I will lay a wager,” cried the spirit who sat next him, “there is not +one in the coach able to guess my distemper.” I desired the favor of him +to acquaint us with it, if it was so uncommon. “Why, sir,” said he, “I +died of honor.”--“Of honor, sir!” repeated I, with some surprise. “Yes, +sir,” answered the spirit, “of honor, for I was killed in a duel.” + +“For my part,” said a fair spirit, “I was inoculated last summer, and +had the good fortune to escape with a very few marks on my face. I +esteemed myself now perfectly happy, as I imagined I had no restraint +to a full enjoyment of the diversions of the town; but within a few days +after my coming up I caught cold by overdancing myself at a ball, and +last night died of a violent fever.” + +After a short silence which now ensued, the fair spirit who spoke last, +it being now daylight, addressed herself to a female who sat next her, +and asked her to what chance they owed the happiness of her company. She +answered, she apprehended to a consumption, but the physicians were not +agreed concerning her distemper, for she left two of them in a very hot +dispute about it when she came out of her body. “And pray, madam,” said +the same spirit to the sixth passenger, “How came you to leave the other +world?” But that female spirit, screwing up her mouth, answered, she +wondered at the curiosity of some people; that perhaps persons had +already heard some reports of her death, which were far from being true; +that, whatever was the occasion of it, she was glad at being delivered +from a world in which she had no pleasure, and where there was nothing +but nonsense and impertinence; particularly among her own sex, whose +loose conduct she had long been entirely ashamed of. + +The beauteous spirit, perceiving her question gave offense, pursued it +no farther. She had indeed all the sweetness and good-humor which are +so extremely amiable (when found) in that sex which tenderness most +exquisitely becomes. Her countenance displayed all the cheerfulness, the +good-nature, and the modesty, which diffuse such brightness round the +beauty of Seraphina, [5] awing every beholder with respect, and, at the +same time, ravishing him with admiration. Had it not been indeed for +our conversation on the small-pox, I should have imagined we had been +honored with her identical presence. This opinion might have been +heightened by the good sense she uttered whenever she spoke, by the +delicacy of her sentiments, and the complacence of her behavior, +together with a certain dignity which attended every look, word, and +gesture; qualities which could not fail making an impression on a heart +[6] so capable of receiving it as mine, nor was she long in raising in +me a very violent degree of seraphic love. I do not intend by this, that +sort of love which men are very properly said to make to women in the +lower world, and which seldom lasts any longer than while it is +making. I mean by seraphic love an extreme delicacy and tenderness of +friendship, of which, my worthy reader, if thou hast no conception, as +it is probable thou mayest not, my endeavor to instruct thee would be as +fruitless as it would be to explain the most difficult problems of Sir +Isaac Newton to one ignorant of vulgar arithmetic. + +To return therefore to matters comprehensible by all understandings: +the discourse now turned on the vanity, folly, and misery of the lower +world, from which every passenger in the coach expressed the highest +satisfaction in being delivered; though it was very remarkable that, +notwithstanding the joy we declared at our death, there was not one of +us who did not mention the accident which occasioned it as a thing we +would have avoided if we could. Nay, the very grave lady herself, who +was the forwardest in testifying her delight, confessed inadvertently +that she left a physician by her bedside; and the gentleman who died +of honor very liberally cursed both his folly and his fencing. While +we were entertaining ourselves with these matters, on a sudden a most +offensive smell began to invade our nostrils. This very much resembled +the savor which travelers in summer perceive at their approach to that +beautiful village of the Hague, arising from those delicious canals +which, as they consist of standing water, do at that time emit odors +greatly agreeable to a Dutch taste, but not so pleasant to any other. +Those perfumes, with the assistance of a fair wind, begin to affect +persons of quick olfactory nerves at a league’s distance, and increase +gradually as you approach. In the same manner did the smell I have just +mentioned, more and more invade us, till one of the spirits, looking out +of the coach-window, declared we were just arrived at a very large +city; and indeed he had scarce said so before we found ourselves in the +suburbs, and, at the same time, the coachman, being asked by another, +informed us that the name of this place was the City of Diseases. The +road to it was extremely smooth, and, excepting the above-mentioned +savor, delightfully pleasant. The streets of the suburbs were lined +with bagnios, taverns, and cooks’ shops: in the first we saw several +beautiful women, but in tawdry dresses, looking out at the windows; and +in the latter were visibly exposed all kinds of the richest dainties; +but on our entering the city we found, contrary to all we had seen in +the other world, that the suburbs were infinitely pleasanter than the +city itself. It was indeed a very dull, dark, and melancholy place. Few +people appeared in the streets, and these, for the most part, were old +women, and here and there a formal grave gentleman, who seemed to be +thinking, with large tie-wigs on, and amber-headed canes in their hands. +We were all in hopes that our vehicle would not stop here; but, to our +sorrow, the coach soon drove into an inn, and we were obliged to alight. + + + + +CHAPTER III + + The adventures we met with in the City of Diseases. + +We had not been long arrived in our inn, where it seems we were to spend +the remainder of the day, before our host acquainted us that it was +customary for all spirits, in their passage through that city, to pay +their respects to that lady Disease, to whose assistance they had owed +their deliverance from the lower world. We answered we should not +fail in any complacence which was usual to others; upon which our host +replied he would immediately send porters to conduct us. He had not long +quitted the room before we were attended by some of those grave persons +whom I have before described in large tie-wigs with amber-headed canes. +These gentlemen are the ticket-porters in the city, and their canes are +the insignia, or tickets, denoting their office. We informed them of +the several ladies to whom we were obliged, and were preparing to follow +them, when on a sudden they all stared at one another, and left us in +a hurry, with a frown on every countenance. We were surprised at this +behavior, and presently summoned the host, who was no sooner acquainted +with it than he burst into an hearty laugh, and told us the reason was, +because we did not fee the gentlemen the moment they came in, according +to the custom of the place. We answered, with some confusion, we had +brought nothing with us from the other world, which we had been all our +lives informed was not lawful to do. “No, no, master,” replied the host; +“I am apprised of that, and indeed it was my fault. I should have first +sent you to my lord Scrape, [7] who would have supplied you with what +you want.” “My lord Scrape supply us!” said I, with astonishment: “sure +you must know we cannot give him security; and I am convinced he never +lent a shilling without it in his life.” “No, sir,” answered the host, +“and for that reason he is obliged to do it here, where he is sentenced +to keep a bank, and to distribute money gratis to all passengers. This +bank originally consisted of just that sum, which he had miserably +hoarded up in the other world, and he is to perceive it decrease visibly +one shilling a-day, till it is totally exhausted; after which he is to +return to the other world, and perform the part of a miser for seventy +years; then, being purified in the body of a hog, he is to enter the +human species again, and take a second trial.” “Sir,” said I, “you tell +me wonders: but if his bank be to decrease only a shilling a day, how +can he furnish all passengers?” “The rest,” answered the host, “is +supplied again; but in a manner which I cannot easily explain to you.” + “I apprehend,” said I, “this distribution of his money is inflicted on +him as a punishment; but I do not see how it can answer that end, when +he knows it is to be restored to him again. Would it not serve the +purpose as well if he parted only with the single shilling, which it +seems is all he is really to lose?” “Sir,” cries the host, “when you +observe the agonies with which he parts with every guinea, you will +be of another opinion. No prisoner condemned to death ever begged so +heartily for transportation as he, when he received his sentence, did +to go to hell, provided he might carry his money with him. But you will +know more of these things when you arrive at the upper world; and now, +if you please, I will attend you to my lord’s, who is obliged to supply +you with whatever you desire.” + +We found his lordship sitting at the upper end of a table, on which was +an immense sum of money, disposed in several heaps, every one of which +would have purchased the honor of some patriots and the chastity of +some prudes. The moment he saw us he turned pale, and sighed, as well +apprehending our business. Mine host accosted him with a familiar air, +which at first surprised me, who so well remembered the respect I had +formerly seen paid this lord by men infinitely superior in quality to +the person who now saluted him in the following manner: “Here, you lord, +and be dam--d to your little sneaking soul, tell out your money, and +supply your betters with what they want. Be quick, sirrah, or I’ll fetch +the beadle to you. Don’t fancy yourself in the lower world again, with +your privilege at your a--.” He then shook a cane at his lordship, who +immediately began to tell out his money, with the same miserable air +and face which the miser on our stage wears while he delivers his +bank-bills. This affected some of us so much that we had certainly +returned with no more than what would have been sufficient to fee the +porters, had not our host, perceiving our compassion, begged us not to +spare a fellow who, in the midst of immense wealth, had always refused +the least contribution to charity. Our hearts were hardened with this +reflection, and we all filled our pockets with his money. I remarked a +poetical spirit, in particular, who swore he would have a hearty gripe +at him: “For,” says he, “the rascal not only refused to subscribe to +my works, but sent back my letter unanswered, though I am a better +gentleman than himself.” We now returned from this miserable object, +greatly admiring the propriety as well as justice of his punishment, +which consisted, as our host informed us, merely in the delivering forth +his money; and, he observed, we could not wonder at the pain this gave +him, since it was as reasonable that the bare parting with money should +make him miserable as that the bare having money without using it should +have made him happy. Other tie-wig porters (for those we had summoned +before refused to visit us again) now attended us; and we having fee’d +them the instant they entered the room, according to the instructions of +our host, they bowed and smiled, and offered to introduce us to whatever +disease we pleased. + +We set out several ways, as we were all to pay our respects to different +ladies. I directed my porter to show me to the Fever on the Spirits, +being the disease which had delivered me from the flesh. My guide and I +traversed many streets, and knocked at several doors, but to no purpose. +At one, we were told, lived the Consumption; at another, the Maladie +Alamode, a French lady; at the third, the Dropsy; at the fourth, the +Rheumatism; at the fifth, Intemperance; at the sixth, Misfortune. I was +tired, and had exhausted my patience, and almost my purse; for I gave my +porter a new fee at every blunder he made: when my guide, with a solemn +countenance, told me he could do no more; and marched off without any +farther ceremony. + +He was no sooner gone than I met another gentleman with a ticket, i. e., +an amber-headed cane in his hand. I first fee’d him, and then acquainted +him with the name of the disease. He cast himself for two or three +minutes into a thoughtful posture, then pulled a piece of paper out +of his pocket, on which he wrote something in one of the Oriental +languages, I believe, for I could not read a syllable: he bade me carry +it to such a particular shop, and, telling me it would do my business, +he took his leave. + +Secure, as I now thought myself, of my direction, I went to the shop, +which very much resembled an apothecary’s. The person who officiated, +having read the paper, took down about twenty different jars, and, +pouring something out of every one of them, made a mixture, which he +delivered to me in a bottle, having first tied a paper round the neck +of it, on which were written three or four words, the last containing +eleven syllables. I mentioned the name of the disease I wanted to +find out, but received no other answer than that he had done as he was +ordered, and the drugs were excellent. I began now to be enraged, and, +quitting the shop with some anger in my countenance, I intended to find +out my inn, but, meeting in the way a porter whose countenance had in it +something more pleasing than ordinary, I resolved to try once more, and +clapped a fee into his hand. As soon as I mentioned the disease to him +he laughed heartily, and told me I had been imposed on, for in reality +no such disease was to be found in that city. He then inquired into the +particulars of my case, and was no sooner acquainted with them than he +informed me that the Maladie Alamode was the lady to whom I was obliged. +I thanked him, and immediately went to pay my respects to her. The +house, or rather palace, of this lady was one of the most beautiful +and magnificent in the city. The avenue to it was planted with sycamore +trees, with beds of flowers on each side; it was extremely pleasant but +short. I was conducted through a magnificent hall, adorned with several +statues and bustoes, most of them maimed, whence I concluded them all +to be true antiques; but was informed they were the figures of several +modern heroes, who had died martyrs to her ladyship’s cause. I next +mounted through a large painted staircase, where several persons were +depicted in caricatura; and, upon inquiry, was told they were the +portraits of those who had distinguished themselves against the lady +in the lower world. I suppose I should have known the faces of many +physicians and surgeons, had they not been so violently distorted by +the painter. Indeed, he had exerted so much malice in his work, that I +believe he had himself received some particular favors from the lady of +this mansion: it is difficult to conceive a group of stranger figures. I +then entered a long room, hung round with the pictures of women of such +exact shapes and features that I should have thought myself in a gallery +of beauties, had not a certain sallow paleness in their complexions +given me a more distasteful idea. Through this I proceeded to a second +apartment, adorned, if I may so call it, with the figures of old ladies. +Upon my seeming to admire at this furniture, the servant told me with +a smile that these had been very good friends of his lady, and had done +her eminent service in the lower world. I immediately recollected the +faces of one or two of my acquaintance, who had formerly kept bagnios; +but was very much surprised to see the resemblance of a lady of great +distinction in such company. The servant, upon my mentioning this, made +no other answer than that his lady had pictures of all degrees. I was +now introduced into the presence of the lady herself. She was a thin, or +rather meager, person, very wan in the countenance, had no nose and many +pimples in her face. She offered to rise at my entrance, but could not +stand. After many compliments, much congratulation on her side, and +the most fervent expressions of gratitude on mine, she asked me many +questions concerning the situation of her affairs in the lower world; +most of which I answered to her entire satisfaction. At last, with +a kind of forced smile, she said, “I suppose the pill and drop go on +swimmingly?” I told her they were reported to have done great cures. +She replied she could apprehend no danger from any person who was not +of regular practice; “for, however simple mankind are,” said she, “or +however afraid they are of death, they prefer dying in a regular manner +to being cured by a nostrum.” She then expressed great pleasure at the +account I gave her of the beau monde. She said she had herself removed +the hundreds of Drury to the hundreds of Charing-cross, and was very +much delighted to find they had spread into St. James’s; that she +imputed this chiefly to several of her dear and worthy friends, who had +lately published their excellent works, endeavoring to extirpate all +notions of religion and virtue; and particularly to the deserving author +of the Bachelor’s Estimate; “to whom,” said she, “if I had not reason to +think he was a surgeon, and had therefore written from mercenary views, +I could never sufficiently own my obligations.” She spoke likewise +greatly in approbation of the method, so generally used by parents, of +marrying children very young, and without the least affection between +the parties; and concluded by saying that, if these fashions continued +to spread, she doubted not but she should shortly be the only disease +who would ever receive a visit from any person of considerable rank. + +While we were discoursing her three daughters entered the room. They +were all called by hard names; the eldest was named Lepra, the second +Chaeras, and the third Scorbutia. [8] They were all genteel, but ugly. +I could not help observing the little respect they paid their parent, +which the old lady remarking in my countenance, as soon as they quitted +the room, which soon happened, acquainted me with her unhappiness in her +offspring, every one of which had the confidence to deny themselves to +be her children, though she said she had been a very indulgent mother +and had plentifully provided for them all. As family complaints +generally as much tire the hearer as they relieve him who makes them, +when I found her launching farther into this subject I resolved to put +an end to my visit, and, taking my leave with many thanks for the +favor she had done me, I returned to the inn, where I found my +fellow-travelers just mounting into their vehicle. I shook hands with +my host and accompanied them into the coach, which immediately after +proceeded on its journey. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + + Discourses on the road, and a description of the palace of + Death. + +We were all silent for some minutes, till, being well shaken into our +several seats, I opened my mouth first, and related what had happened to +me after our separation in the city we had just left. + +The rest of the company, except the grave female spirit whom our reader +may remember to have refused giving an account of the distemper which +occasioned her dissolution, did the same. It might be tedious to relate +these at large; we shall therefore only mention a very remarkable +inveteracy which the Surfeit declared to all the other diseases, +especially to the Fever, who, she said, by the roguery of the porters, +received acknowledgments from numberless passengers which were due to +herself. “Indeed,” says she, “those cane-headed fellows” (for so she +called them, alluding, I suppose, to their ticket) “are constantly +making such mistakes; there is no gratitude in those fellows; for I +am sure they have greater obligations to me than to any other disease, +except the Vapors.” These relations were no sooner over than one of the +company informed us we were approaching to the most noble building he +had ever beheld, and which we learned from our coachman was the palace +of Death. Its outside, indeed, appeared extremely magnificent. Its +structure was of the Gothic order; vast beyond imagination, the +whole pile consisting of black marble. Rows of immense yews form an +amphitheater round it of such height and thickness that no ray of the +sun ever perforates this grove, where black eternal darkness would reign +was it not excluded by innumerable lamps which are placed in pyramids +round the grove; so that the distant reflection they cast on the palace, +which is plentifully gilt with gold on the outside, is inconceivably +solemn. To this I may add the hollow murmur of winds constantly heard +from the grove, and the very remote sound of roaring waters. Indeed, +every circumstance seems to conspire to fill the mind with horror and +consternation as we approach to this palace, which we had scarce time +to admire before our vehicle stopped at the gate, and we were desired +to alight in order to pay our respects to his most mortal majesty (this +being the title which it seems he assumes). The outward court was full +of soldiers, and, indeed, the whole very much resembled the state of an +earthly monarch, only more magnificent. We passed through several courts +into a vast hall, which led to a spacious staircase, at the bottom of +which stood two pages, with very grave countenances, whom I recollected +afterwards to have formerly been very eminent undertakers, and were in +reality the only dismal faces I saw here; for this palace, so awful and +tremendous without, is all gay and sprightly within; so that we soon +lost all those dismal and gloomy ideas we had contracted in approaching +it. Indeed, the still silence maintained among the guards and attendants +resembled rather the stately pomp of eastern courts; but there was on +every face such symptoms of content and happiness that diffused an air +of cheerfulness all round. We ascended the staircase and passed +through many noble apartments whose walls were adorned with various +battle-pieces in tapistry, and which we spent some time in observing. +These brought to my mind those beautiful ones I had in my lifetime seen +at Blenheim, nor could I prevent my curiosity from inquiring where +the Duke of Marlborough’s victories were placed (for I think they were +almost the only battles of any eminence I had read of which I did not +meet with); when the skeleton of a beef-eater, shaking his head, told me +a certain gentleman, one Lewis XIV, who had great interest with his +most mortal majesty, had prevented any such from being hung up there. +“Besides,” says he, “his majesty hath no great respect for that duke, +for he never sent him a subject he could keep from him, nor did he ever +get a single subject by his means but he lost 1000 others for him.” We +found the presence-chamber at our entrance very full, and a buzz ran +through it, as in all assemblies, before the principal figure enters; +for his majesty was not yet come out. At the bottom of the room were two +persons in close conference, one with a square black cap on his head, +and the other with a robe embroidered with flames of fire. These, I was +informed, were a judge long since dead, and an inquisitor-general. I +overheard them disputing with great eagerness whether the one had hanged +or the other burned the most. While I was listening to this dispute, +which seemed to be in no likelihood of a speedy decision, the emperor +entered the room and placed himself between two figures, one of which +was remarkable for the roughness, and the other for the beauty of his +appearance. These were, it seems, Charles XII of Sweden and Alexander of +Macedon. I was at too great a distance to hear any of the conversation, +so could only satisfy my curiosity by contemplating the several +personages present, of whose names I informed myself by a page, who +looked as pale and meager as any court-page in the other world, but was +somewhat more modest. He showed me here two or three Turkish emperors, +to whom his most mortal majesty seemed to express much civility. Here +were likewise several of the Roman emperors, among whom none seemed so +much caressed as Caligula, on account, as the page told me, of his pious +wish that he could send all the Romans hither at one blow. The reader +may be perhaps surprised that I saw no physicians here; as indeed I +was myself, till informed that they were all departed to the city +of Diseases, where they were busy in an experiment to purge away the +immortality of the soul. + +It would be tedious to recollect the many individuals I saw here, but +I cannot omit a fat figure, well dressed in the French fashion, who +was received with extraordinary complacence by the emperor, and whom I +imagined to be Lewis XIV himself; but the page acquainted me he was +a celebrated French cook. We were at length introduced to the royal +presence, and had the honor to kiss hands. His majesty asked us a few +questions, not very material to relate, and soon after retired. When we +returned into the yard we found our caravan ready to set out, at which +we all declared ourselves well pleased; for we were sufficiently tired +with the formality of a court, notwithstanding its outward splendor and +magnificence. + + + + +CHAPTER V + + The travelers proceed on their journey, and meet several + spirits who are coming into the flesh. + +We now came to the banks of the great river Cocytus, where we quitted +our vehicle, and passed the water in a boat, after which we were obliged +to travel on foot the rest of our journey; and now we met, for the +first time, several passengers traveling to the world we had left, who +informed us they were souls going into the flesh. + +The two first we met were walking arm-in-arm, in very close and friendly +conference; they informed us that one of them was intended for a duke, +and the other for a hackney-coachman. As we had not yet arrived at the +place where we were to deposit our passions, we were all surprised +at the familiarity which subsisted between persons of such different +degrees; nor could the grave lady help expressing her astonishment +at it. The future coachman then replied, with a laugh, that they had +exchanged lots; for that the duke had with his dukedom drawn a shrew for +a wife, and the coachman only a single state. + +As we proceeded on our journey we met a solemn spirit walking alone +with great gravity in his countenance: our curiosity invited us, +notwithstanding his reserve, to ask what lot he had drawn. + +He answered, with a smile, he was to have the reputation of a wise man +with L100,000 in his pocket, and was practicing the solemnity which he +was to act in the other world. A little farther we met a company of very +merry spirits, whom we imagined by their mirth to have drawn some mighty +lot, but, on inquiry, they informed us they were to be beggars. + +The farther we advanced, the greater numbers we met; and now we +discovered two large roads leading different ways, and of very different +appearance; the one all craggy with rocks, full as it seemed of boggy +grounds, and everywhere beset with briars, so that it was impossible to +pass through it without the utmost danger and difficulty; the other, the +most delightful imaginable, leading through the most verdant meadows, +painted and perfumed with all kinds of beautiful flowers; in short, +the most wanton imagination could imagine nothing more lovely. +Notwithstanding which, we were surprised to see great numbers crowding +into the former, and only one or two solitary spirits choosing the +latter. + +On inquiry, we were acquainted that the bad road was the way to +greatness, and the other to goodness. When we expressed our surprise at +the preference given to the former we were acquainted that it was chosen +for the sake of the music of drums and trumpets, and the perpetual +acclamations of the mob, with which those who traveled this way were +constantly saluted. We were told likewise that there were several noble +palaces to be seen, and lodged in, on this road, by those who had passed +through the difficulties of it (which indeed many were not able to +surmount), and great quantities of all sorts of treasure to be found in +it; whereas the other had little inviting more than the beauty of the +way, scarce a handsome building, save one greatly resembling a certain +house by the Bath, to be seen during that whole journey; and, lastly, +that it was thought very scandalous and mean-spirited to travel through +this, and as highly honorable and noble to pass by the other. We now +heard a violent noise, when, casting our eyes forwards, we perceived a +vast number of spirits advancing in pursuit of one whom they mocked +and insulted with all kinds of scorn. I cannot give my reader a more +adequate idea of this scene than by comparing it to an English mob +conducting a pickpocket to the water; or by supposing that an incensed +audience at a playhouse had unhappily possessed themselves of the +miserable damned poet. Some laughed, some hissed, some squalled, some +groaned, some bawled, some spit at him, some threw dirt at him. It was +impossible not to ask who or what the wretched spirit was whom they +treated in this barbarous manner; when, to our great surprise, we were +informed that it was a king: we were likewise told that this manner +of behavior was usual among the spirits to those who drew the lots of +emperors, kings, and other great men, not from envy or anger, but mere +derision and contempt of earthly grandeur; that nothing was more common +than for those who had drawn these great prizes (as to us they seemed) +to exchange them with tailors and cobblers; and that Alexander the +Great and Diogenes had formerly done so; he that was afterwards Diogenes +having originally fallen on the lot of Alexander. And now, on a sudden, +the mockery ceased, and the king-spirit, having obtained a hearing, +began to speak as follows; for we were now near enough to hear him +distinctly:-- + +“GENTLEMEN,--I am justly surprised at your treating me in this manner, +since whatever lot I have drawn, I did not choose: if, therefore, it +be worthy of derision, you should compassionate me, for it might have +fallen to any of your shares. I know in how low a light the station to +which fate hath assigned me is considered here, and that, when ambition +doth not support it, it becomes generally so intolerable, that there +is scarce any other condition for which it is not gladly exchanged: for +what portion, in the world to which we are going, is so miserable as +that of care? Should I therefore consider myself as become by this lot +essentially your superior, and of a higher order of being than the rest +of my fellow-creatures; should I foolishly imagine myself without wisdom +superior to the wise, without knowledge to the learned, without courage +to the brave, and without goodness and virtue to the good and virtuous; +surely so preposterous, so absurd a pride, would justly render me the +object of ridicule. But far be it from me to entertain it. And yet, +gentlemen, I prize the lot I have drawn, nor would I exchange it with +any of yours, seeing it is in my eye so much greater than the rest. +Ambition, which I own myself possessed of, teaches me this; ambition, +which makes me covet praise, assures me that I shall enjoy a much larger +proportion of it than can fall within your power either to deserve or +obtain. I am then superior to you all, when I am able to do more good, +and when I execute that power. What the father is to the son, the +guardian to the orphan, or the patron to his client, that am I to you. +You are my children, to whom I will be a father, a guardian, and a +patron. Not one evening in my long reign (for so it is to be) will +I repose myself to rest without the glorious, the heart-warming +consideration, that thousands that night owe their sweetest rest to me. +What a delicious fortune is it to him whose strongest appetite is doing +good, to have every day the opportunity and the power of satisfying it! +If such a man hath ambition, how happy is it for him to be seated so on +high, that every act blazes abroad, and attracts to him praises tainted +with neither sarcasm nor adulation, but such as the nicest and most +delicate mind may relish! Thus, therefore, while you derive your good +from me, I am your superior. If to my strict distribution of justice +you owe the safety of your property from domestic enemies; if by my +vigilance and valor you are protected from foreign foes; if by my +encouragement of genuine industry, every science, every art which can +embellish or sweeten life, is produced and flourishes among you; will +any of you be so insensible or ungrateful as to deny praise and respect +to him by whose care and conduct you enjoy these blessings? I wonder not +at the censure which so frequently falls on those in my station; but I +wonder that those in my station so frequently deserve it. What strange +perverseness of nature! What wanton delight in mischief must taint his +composition, who prefers dangers, difficulty, and disgrace, by doing +evil, to safety, ease, and honor, by doing good! who refuses happiness +in the other world, and heaven in this, for misery there and hell here! +But, be assured, my intentions are different. I shall always endeavor +the ease, the happiness, and the glory of my people, being confident +that, by so doing, I take the most certain method of procuring them +all to myself.”--He then struck directly into the road of goodness, +and received such a shout of applause as I never remember to have +heard equaled. He was gone a little way when a spirit limped after him, +swearing he would fetch him back. + +This spirit, I was presently informed, was one who had drawn the lot of +his prime minister. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + + An account of the wheel of fortune, with a method of + preparing a spirit for this world. + +We now proceeded on our journey, without staying to see whether he +fulfilled his word or no; and without encountering anything worth +mentioning, came to the place where the spirits on their passage to the +other world were obliged to decide by lot the station in which every +one was to act there. Here was a monstrous wheel, infinitely larger than +those in which I had formerly seen lottery-tickets deposited. This was +called the WHEEL OF FORTUNE. + +The goddess herself was present. She was one of the most deformed +females I ever beheld; nor could I help observing the frowns she +expressed when any beautiful spirit of her own sex passed by her, nor +the affability which smiled in her countenance on the approach of any +handsome male spirits. Hence I accounted for the truth of an observation +I had often made on earth, that nothing is more fortunate than handsome +men, nor more unfortunate than handsome women. The reader may be perhaps +pleased with an account of the whole method of equipping a spirit for +his entrance into the flesh. + +First, then, he receives from a very sage person, whose look much +resembled that of an apothecary (his warehouse likewise bearing an +affinity to an apothecary’s shop), a small phial inscribed, THE PATHETIC +POTION, to be taken just before you are born. This potion is a mixture +of all the passions, but in no exact proportion, so that sometimes one +predominates, and sometimes another; nay, often in the hurry of making +up, one particular ingredient is, as we were informed, left out. The +spirit receiveth at the same time another medicine called the NOUSPHORIC +DECOCTION, of which he is to drink ad libitum. This decoction is an +extract from the faculties of the mind, sometimes extremely strong and +spirituous, and sometimes altogether as weak; for very little care is +taken in the preparation. This decoction is so extremely bitter and +unpleasant, that, notwithstanding its wholesomeness, several spirits +will not be persuaded to swallow a drop of it, but throw it away, or +give it to any other who will receive it; by which means some who were +not disgusted by the nauseousness drank double and treble portions. +I observed a beautiful young female, who, tasting it immediately from +curiosity, screwed up her face and cast it from her with great disdain, +whence advancing presently to the wheel, she drew a coronet, which +she clapped up so eagerly that I could not distinguish the degree; and +indeed I observed several of the same sex, after a very small sip, throw +the bottles away. As soon as the spirit is dismissed by the operator, +or apothecary, he is at liberty to approach the wheel, where he hath a +right to extract a single lot: but those whom Fortune favors she permits +sometimes secretly to draw three or four. I observed a comical kind of +figure who drew forth a handful, which, when he opened, were a bishop, +a general, a privy-counselor, a player, and a poet-laureate, and, +returning the three first, he walked off, smiling, with the two last. +Every single lot contained two more articles, which were generally +disposed so as to render the lots as equal as possible to each other; on +one was written, EARL, RICHES, HEALTH, DISQUIETUDE; on another, COBLER, +SICKNESS, GOOD-HUMOR; on a third, POET, CONTEMPT, SELF-SATISFACTION; on +a fourth, GENERAL, HONOR, DISCONTENT; on a fifth, COTTAGE, HAPPY LOVE; +on a sixth, COACH AND SIX, IMPOTENT JEALOUS HUSBAND; on a seventh, +PRIME MINISTER, DISGRACE; on an eighth, PATRIOT, GLORY; on a ninth, +PHILOSOPHER, POVERTY, EASE; on a tenth, MERCHANT, RICHES, CARE. And +indeed the whole seemed to contain such a mixture of good and evil, that +it would have puzzled me which to choose. I must not omit here that +in every lot was directed whether the drawer should marry or remain in +celibacy, the married lots being all marked with a large pair of horns. +We were obliged, before we quitted this place, to take each of us an +emetic from the apothecary, which immediately purged us of all our +earthly passions, and presently the cloud forsook our eyes, as it doth +those of Aeneas in Virgil, when removed by Venus; and we discerned +things in a much clearer light than before. We began to compassionate +those spirits who were making their entry into the flesh, whom we had +till then secretly envied, and to long eagerly for those delightful +plains which now opened themselves to our eyes, and to which we now +hastened with the utmost eagerness. On our way we met with several +spirits with very dejected countenances; but our expedition would not +suffer us to ask any questions. At length we arrived at the gate of +Elysium. Here was a prodigious crowd of spirits waiting for admittance, +some of whom were admitted, and some were rejected; for all were +strictly examined by the porter, whom I soon discovered to be the +celebrated judge Minos. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + + The proceedings of judge Minos at the gate of Elysium. + +I now got near enough to the gate to hear the several claims of those +who endeavored to pass. The first among other pretensions, set forth +that he had been very liberal to an hospital; but Minos answered, +“Ostentation,” and repulsed him. The second exhibited that he had +constantly frequented his church, been a rigid observer of fast-days: he +likewise represented the great animosity he had shown to vice in others, +which never escaped his severest censure; and as to his own behavior, he +had never been once guilty of whoring, drinking, gluttony, or any other +excess. He said he had disinherited his son for getting a bastard. “Have +you so?” said Minos; “then pray return into the other world and beget +another; for such an unnatural rascal shall never pass this gate.” A +dozen others, who had advanced with very confident countenances, seeing +him rejected, turned about of their own accord, declaring, if he could +not pass, they had no expectation, and accordingly they followed him +back to earth; which was the fate of all who were repulsed, they being +obliged to take a further purification, unless those who were guilty +of some very heinous crimes, who were hustled in at a little back gate, +whence they tumbled immediately into the bottomless pit. + +The next spirit that came up declared he had done neither good nor evil +in the world; for that since his arrival at man’s estate he had spent +his whole time in search of curiosities; and particularly in the study +of butterflies, of which he had collected an immense number. Minos made +him no answer, but with great scorn pushed him back. There now advanced +a very beautiful spirit indeed. She began to ogle Minos the moment she +saw him. She said she hoped there was some merit in refusing a great +number of lovers, and dying a maid, though she had had the choice of +a hundred. Minos told her she had not refused enow yet, and turned her +back. + +She was succeeded by a spirit who told the judge he believed his works +would speak for him. “What works?” answered Minos. “My dramatic works,” + replied the other, “which have done so much good in recommending virtue +and punishing vice.” “Very well,” said the judge; “if you please to +stand by, the first person who passes the gate by your means shall +carry you in with him; but, if you will take my advice, I think, for +expedition sake, you had better return, and live another life upon +earth.” The bard grumbled at this, and replied that, besides his +poetical works, he had done some other good things: for that he had once +lent the whole profits of a benefit-night to a friend, and by that means +had saved him and his family from destruction. Upon this the gate flew +open, and Minos desired him to walk in, telling him, if he had mentioned +this at first, he might have spared the remembrance of his plays. The +poet answered, he believed, if Minos had read his works, he would set a +higher value on them. He was then beginning to repeat, but Minos pushed +him forward, and, turning his back to him, applied himself to the next +passenger, a very genteel spirit, who made a very low bow to Minos, and +then threw himself into an erect attitude, and imitated the motion of +taking snuff with his right hand. Minos asked him what he had to say +for himself. He answered, he would dance a minuet with any spirit in +Elysium: that he could likewise perform all his other exercises very +well, and hoped he had in his life deserved the character of a perfect +fine gentleman. Minos replied it would be great pity to rob the world of +so fine a gentleman, and therefore desired him to take the other trip. +The beau bowed, thanked the judge, and said he desired no better. + +Several spirits expressed much astonishment at this his satisfaction; +but we were afterwards informed he had not taken the emetic above +mentioned. + +A miserable old spirit now crawled forwards, whose face I thought I had +formerly seen near Westminster Abbey. He entertained Minos with a long +harangue of what he had done when in the HOUSE; and then proceeded to +inform him how much he was worth, without attempting to produce a +single instance of any one good action. Minos stopped the career of his +discourse, and acquainted him he must take a trip back again. + +“What! to S---- house?” said the spirit in an ecstasy; but the judge, +without making him any answer, turned to another, who with a very +solemn air and great dignity, acquainted him he was a duke. “To the +right-about, Mr. Duke,” cried Minos, “you are infinitely too great a +man for Elysium;” and then, giving him a kick on the b--ch, he addressed +himself to a spirit who, with fear and trembling, begged he might not +go to the bottomless pit: he said he hoped Minos would consider that, +though he had gone astray, he had suffered for it--that it was necessity +which drove him to the robbery of eighteenpence, which he had committed, +and for which he was hanged--that he had done some good actions in his +life--that he had supported an aged parent with his labor--that he had +been a very tender husband and a kind father--and that he had ruined +himself by being bail for his friend. At which words the gate opened, +and Minos bade him enter, giving him a slap on the back as he passed by +him. A great number of spirits now came forwards, who all declared +they had the same claim, and that the captain should speak for them. +He acquainted the judge that they had been all slain in the service of +their country. Minos was going to admit them, but had the curiosity to +ask who had been the invader, in order, as he said, to prepare the +back gate for him. The captain answered they had been the invaders +themselves--that they had entered the enemy’s country, and burned and +plundered several cities. “And for what reason?” said Minos. “By the +command of him who paid us,” said the captain; “that is the reason of a +soldier. We are to execute whatever we are commanded, or we should be a +disgrace to the army, and very little deserve our pay.” “You are brave +fellows indeed,” said Minos; “but be pleased to face about, and obey my +command for once, in returning back to the other world: for what should +such fellows as you do where there are no cities to be burned, nor +people to be destroyed? But let me advise you to have a stricter regard +to truth for the future, and not call the depopulating other countries +the service of your own.” The captain answered, in a rage, “D--n me! do +you give me the lie?” and was going to take Minos by the nose had +not his guards prevented him, and immediately turned him and all his +followers back the same road they came. + +Four spirits informed the judge that they had been starved to death +through poverty--being the father, mother, and two children; that +they had been honest and as industrious as possible, till sickness had +prevented the man from labor. “All that is very true,” cried a grave +spirit who stood by. “I know the fact; for these poor people were under +my cure.” “You was, I suppose, the parson of the parish,” cries Minos; +“I hope you had a good living, sir.” “That was but a small one,” replied +the spirit; “but I had another a little better.”--“Very well,” said +Minos; “let the poor people pass.” At which the parson was stepping +forwards with a stately gait before them; but Minos caught hold of him +and pulled him back, saying, “Not so fast, doctor--you must take one +step more into the other world first; for no man enters that gate +without charity.” A very stately figure now presented himself, and, +informing Minos he was a patriot, began a very florid harangue on public +virtue and the liberties of his country. Upon which Minos showed him the +utmost respect, and ordered the gate to be opened. The patriot was not +contented with this applause; he said he had behaved as well in place +as he had done in the opposition; and that, though he was now obliged +to embrace the court measures, yet he had behaved very honestly to his +friends, and brought as many in as was possible. “Hold a moment,” says +Minos: “on second consideration, Mr. Patriot, I think a man of your +great virtue and abilities will be so much missed by your country, that, +if I might advise you, you should take a journey back again. I am +sure you will not decline it; for I am certain you will, with great +readiness, sacrifice your own happiness to the public good.” The patriot +smiled, and told Minos he believed he was in jest; and was offering to +enter the gate, but the judge laid fast hold of him and insisted on his +return, which the patriot still declining, he at last ordered his guards +to seize him and conduct him back. + +A spirit now advanced, and the gate was immediately thrown open to him +before he had spoken a word. I heard some whisper, “That is our last +lord mayor.” + +It now came to our company’s turn. The fair spirit which I mentioned +with so much applause in the beginning of my journey passed through very +easily; but the grave lady was rejected on her first appearance, Minos +declaring there was not a single prude in Elysium. + +The judge then addressed himself to me, who little expected to pass this +fiery trial. I confessed I had indulged myself very freely with wine and +women in my youth, but had never done an injury to any man living, nor +avoided an opportunity of doing good; that I pretended to very little +virtue more than general philanthropy and private friendship. I was +proceeding, when Minos bade me enter the gate, and not indulge myself +with trumpeting forth my virtues. I accordingly passed forward with my +lovely companion, and, embracing her with vast eagerness, but spiritual +innocence, she returned my embrace in the same manner, and we both +congratulated ourselves on our arrival in this happy region, whose +beauty no painting of the imagination can describe. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + The adventures which the author met on his first entrance + into Elysium. + +We pursued our way through a delicious grove of orange-trees, where I +saw infinite numbers of spirits, every one of whom I knew, and was known +by them (for spirits here know one another by intuition). I presently +met a little daughter whom I had lost several years before. Good gods! +what words can describe the raptures, the melting passionate tenderness, +with which we kissed each other, continuing in our embrace, with the +most ecstatic joy, a space which, if time had been measured here as on +earth, could not be less than half a year. + +The first spirit with whom I entered into discourse was the famous +Leonidas of Sparta. I acquainted him with the honors which had been done +him by a celebrated poet of our nation; to which he answered he was very +much obliged to him. We were presently afterwards entertained with the +most delicious voice I had ever heard, accompanied by a violin, equal to +Signior Piantinida. I presently discovered the musician and songster to +be Orpheus and Sappho. + +Old Homer was present at this concert (if I may so call it), and Madam +Dacier sat in his lap. He asked much after Mr. Pope, and said he was +very desirous of seeing him; for that he had read his Iliad in his +translation with almost as much delight as he believed he had given +others in the original. I had the curiosity to inquire whether he had +really writ that poem in detached pieces, and sung it about as ballads +all over Greece, according to the report which went of him. He smiled at +my question, and asked me whether there appeared any connection in +the poem; for if there did he thought I might answer myself. I then +importuned him to acquaint me in which of the cities which contended for +the honor of his birth he was really born? To which he answered, “Upon +my soul I can’t tell.” + +Virgil then came up to me, with Mr. Addison under his arm. “Well, sir,” + said he, “how many translations have these few last years produced of +my Aeneid?” I told him I believed several, but I could not possibly +remember; for that I had never read any but Dr. Trapp’s. “Ay,” said +he, “that is a curious piece indeed!” I then acquainted him with the +discovery made by Mr. Warburton of the Elusinian mysteries couched in +his sixth book. “What mysteries?” said Mr. Addison. “The Elusinian,” + answered Virgil, “which I have disclosed in my sixth book.” “How!” + replied Addison. “You never mentioned a word of any such mysteries to +me in all our acquaintance.” “I thought it was unnecessary,” cried the +other, “to a man of your infinite learning: besides, you always told +me you perfectly understood my meaning.” Upon this I thought the critic +looked a little out of countenance, and turned aside to a very merry +spirit, one Dick Steele, who embraced him, and told him he had been the +greatest man upon earth; that he readily resigned up all the merit of +his own works to him. Upon which Addison gave him a gracious smile, and, +clapping him on the back with much solemnity, cried out, “Well said, +Dick!” + +I then observed Shakespeare standing between Betterton and Booth, and +deciding a difference between those two great actors concerning the +placing an accent in one of his lines: this was disputed on both sides +with a warmth which surprised me in Elysium, till I discovered by +intuition that every soul retained its principal characteristic, being, +indeed, its very essence. The line was that celebrated one in Othello-- + +PUT OUT THE LIGHT, AND THEN PUT OUT THE LIGHT. according to Betterton. +Mr. Booth contended to have it thus:-- + +Put out the light, and then put out THE light. I could not help offering +my conjecture on this occasion, and suggested it might perhaps be-- + +Put out the light, and then put out THY light. Another hinted a reading +very sophisticated in my opinion-- + +Put out the light, and then put out THEE, light, making light to be the +vocative case. Another would have altered the last word, and read-- + +PUT OUT THY LIGHT, AND THEN PUT OUT THY SIGHT. But Betterton said, if +the text was to be disturbed, he saw no reason why a word might not be +changed as well as a letter, and, instead of “put out thy light,” you +may read “put out thy eyes.” At last it was agreed on all sides to refer +the matter to the decision of Shakespeare himself, who delivered his +sentiments as follows: “Faith, gentlemen, it is so long since I wrote +the line, I have forgot my meaning. This I know, could I have dreamed +so much nonsense would have been talked and writ about it, I would +have blotted it out of my works; for I am sure, if any of these be my +meaning, it doth me very little honor.” + +He was then interrogated concerning some other ambiguous passages in his +works; but he declined any satisfactory answer; saying, if Mr. Theobald +had not writ about it sufficiently, there were three or four more new +editions of his plays coming out, which he hoped would satisfy every +one: concluding, “I marvel nothing so much as that men will gird +themselves at discovering obscure beauties in an author. Certes the +greatest and most pregnant beauties are ever the plainest and most +evidently striking; and when two meanings of a passage can in the +least balance our judgments which to prefer, I hold it matter of +unquestionable certainty that neither of them is worth a farthing.” + From his works our conversation turned on his monument; upon which, +Shakespeare, shaking his sides, and addressing himself to Milton, cried +out, “On my word, brother Milton, they have brought a noble set of poets +together; they would have been hanged erst have [ere they had] convened +such a company at their tables when alive.” “True, brother,” answered +Milton, “unless we had been as incapable of eating then as we are now.” + + + + +CHAPTER IX + + More adventures in Elysium. + +A crowd of spirits now joined us, whom I soon perceived to be the +heroes, who here frequently pay their respects to the several bards the +recorders of their actions. I now saw Achilles and Ulysses addressing +themselves to Homer, and Aeneas and Julius Caesar to Virgil: Adam went +up to Milton, upon which I whispered Mr. Dryden that I thought the devil +should have paid his compliments there, according to his opinion. Dryden +only answered, “I believe the devil was in me when I said so.” Several +applied themselves to Shakespeare, amongst whom Henry V made a very +distinguishing appearance. While my eyes were fixed on that monarch a +very small spirit came up to me, shook me heartily by the hand, and told +me his name was THOMAS THUMB. I expressed great satisfaction in seeing +him, nor could I help speaking my resentment against the historian, who +had done such injustice to the stature of this great little man, which +he represented to be no bigger than a span, whereas I plainly perceived +at first sight he was full a foot and a half (and the 37th part of an +inch more, as he himself informed me), being indeed little shorter than +some considerable beaux of the present age. I asked this little hero +concerning the truth of those stories related of him, viz., of the +pudding, and the cow’s belly. As to the former, he said it was a +ridiculous legend, worthy to be laughed at; but as to the latter, he +could not help owning there was some truth in it: nor had he any reason +to be ashamed of it, as he was swallowed by surprise; adding, with great +fierceness, that if he had had any weapon in his hand the cow should +have as soon swallowed the devil. + +He spoke the last word with so much fury, and seemed so confounded, +that, perceiving the effect it had on him, I immediately waived the +story, and, passing to other matters, we had much conversation touching +giants. He said, so far from killing any, he had never seen one alive; +that he believed those actions were by mistake recorded of him, instead +of Jack the giant-killer, whom he knew very well, and who had, he +fancied, extirpated the race. I assured him to the contrary, and told +him I had myself seen a huge tame giant, who very complacently stayed in +London a whole winter, at the special request of several gentlemen and +ladies; though the affairs of his family called him home to Sweden. + +I now beheld a stern-looking spirit leaning on the shoulder of another +spirit, and presently discerned the former to be Oliver Cromwell, and +the latter Charles Martel. I own I was a little surprised at seeing +Cromwell here, for I had been taught by my grandmother that he was +carried away by the devil himself in a tempest; but he assured me, on +his honor, there was not the least truth in that story. However, he +confessed he had narrowly escaped the bottomless pit; and, if the former +part of his conduct had not been more to his honor than the latter, he +had been certainly soused into it. He was, nevertheless, sent back to +the upper world with this lot:--ARMY, CAVALIER, DISTRESS. + +He was born, for the second time, the day of Charles II’s restoration, +into a family which had lost a very considerable fortune in the service +of that prince and his father, for which they received the reward very +often conferred by princes on real merit, viz.--000. At 16 his father +bought a small commission for him in the army, in which he served +without any promotion all the reigns of Charles II and of his brother. +At the Revolution he quitted his regiment, and followed the fortunes +of his former master, and was in his service dangerously wounded at the +famous battle of the Boyne, where he fought in the capacity of a private +soldier. He recovered of this wound, and retired after the unfortunate +king to Paris, where he was reduced to support a wife and seven children +(for his lot had horns in it) by cleaning shoes and snuffing candles at +the opera. In which situation, after he had spent a few miserable years, +he died half-starved and broken-hearted. He then revisited Minos, who, +compassionating his sufferings by means of that family, to whom he had +been in his former capacity so bitter an enemy, suffered him to enter +here. + +My curiosity would not refrain asking him one question, i. e., whether +in reality he had any desire to obtain the crown? He smiled, and said, +“No more than an ecclesiastic hath to the miter, when he cries Nolo +episcopari.” Indeed, he seemed to express some contempt at the question, +and presently turned away. + +A venerable spirit appeared next, whom I found to be the great historian +Livy. Alexander the Great, who was just arrived from the palace of +death, passed by him with a frown. The historian, observing it, said, +“Ay, you may frown; but those troops which conquered the base Asiatic +slaves would have made no figure against the Romans.” We then privately +lamented the loss of the most valuable part of his history; after which +he took occasion to commend the judicious collection made by Mr. Hook, +which, he said, was infinitely preferable to all others; and at my +mentioning Echard’s he gave a bounce, not unlike the going off of +a squib, and was departing from me, when I begged him to satisfy my +curiosity in one point--whether he was really superstitious or no? For +I had always believed he was till Mr. Leibnitz had assured me to the +contrary. He answered sullenly, “Doth Mr. Leibnitz know my mind better +than myself?” and then walked away. + + + + +CHAPTER X + + The author is surprised at meeting Julian the apostate in + Elysium; but is satisfied by him by what means he procured + his entrance there. Julian relates his adventures in the + character of a slave. + +As he was departing I heard him salute a spirit by the name of Mr. +Julian the apostate. This exceedingly amazed me; for I had concluded +that no man ever had a better title to the bottomless pit than he. But +I soon found that this same Julian the apostate was also the very +individual archbishop Latimer. He told me that several lies had been +raised on him in his former capacity, nor was he so bad a man as he had +been represented. However, he had been denied admittance, and forced +to undergo several subsequent pilgrimages on earth, and to act in the +different characters of a slave, a Jew, a general, an heir, a carpenter, +a beau, a monk, a fiddler, a wise man, a king, a fool, a beggar, a +prince, a statesman, a soldier, a tailor, an alderman, a poet, a knight, +a dancing-master, and three times a bishop, before his martyrdom, which, +together with his other behavior in this last character, satisfied the +judge, and procured him a passage to the blessed regions. + +I told him such various characters must have produced incidents +extremely entertaining; and if he remembered all, as I supposed he did, +and had leisure, I should be obliged to him for the recital. He answered +he perfectly recollected every circumstance; and as to leisure, the only +business of that happy place was to contribute to the happiness of each +other. He therefore thanked me for adding to his, in proposing to him +a method of increasing mine. I then took my little darling in one hand, +and my favorite fellow-traveler in the other, and, going with him to +a sunny bank of flowers, we all sat down, and he began as follows:--“I +suppose you are sufficiently acquainted with my story during the time I +acted the part of the emperor Julian, though I assure you all which hath +been related of me is not true, particularly with regard to the many +prodigies forerunning my death. However, they are now very little worth +disputing; and if they can serve any purpose of the historian they +are extremely at his service. My next entrance into the world was at +Laodicea, in Syria, in a Roman family of no great note; and, being of +a roving disposition, I came at the age of seventeen to Constantinople, +where, after about a year’s stay, I set out for Thrace, at the time when +the emperor Valens admitted the Goths into that country. I was there so +captivated with the beauty of a Gothic lady, the wife of one Rodoric, a +captain, whose name, out of the most delicate tenderness for her lovely +sex, I shall even at this distance conceal; since her behavior to me was +more consistent with good-nature than with that virtue which women are +obliged to preserve against every assailant. In order to procure an +intimacy with this woman I sold myself a slave to her husband, who, +being of a nation not over-inclined to jealousy, presented me to his +wife, for those very reasons which would have induced one of a jealous +complexion to have withheld me from her, namely, for that I was young +and handsome. + +“Matters succeeded so far according to my wish, and the sequel answered +those hopes which this beginning had raised. I soon perceived my service +was very acceptable to her; I often met her eyes, nor did she withdraw +them without a confusion which is scarce consistent with entire purity +of heart. Indeed, she gave me every day fresh encouragement; but the +unhappy distance which circumstances had placed between us deterred me +long from making any direct attack; and she was too strict an observer +of decorum to violate the severe rules of modesty by advancing first; +but passion at last got the better of my respect, and I resolved to make +one bold attempt, whatever was the consequence. Accordingly, laying hold +of the first kind opportunity, when she was alone and my master abroad, +I stoutly assailed the citadel and carried it by storm. Well may I say +by storm; for the resistance I met was extremely resolute, and indeed +as much as the most perfect decency would require. She swore often she +would cry out for help; but I answered it was in vain, seeing there was +no person near to assist her; and probably she believed me, for she did +not once actually cry out, which if she had, I might very likely have +been prevented. + +“When she found her virtue thus subdued against her will she patiently +submitted to her fate, and quietly suffered me a long time to enjoy the +most delicious fruits of my victory; but envious fortune resolved to +make me pay a dear price for my pleasure. One day in the midst of our +happiness we were suddenly surprised by the unexpected return of her +husband, who, coming directly into his wife’s apartment, just allowed +me time to creep under the bed. The disorder in which he found his wife +might have surprised a jealous temper; but his was so far otherwise, +that possibly no mischief might have happened had he not by a cross +accident discovered my legs, which were not well hid. He immediately +drew me out by them, and then, turning to his wife with a stern +countenance, began to handle a weapon he wore by his side, with which +I am persuaded he would have instantly dispatched her, had I not very +gallantly, and with many imprecations, asserted her innocence and my +own guilt; which, however, I protested had hitherto gone no farther than +design. She so well seconded my plea (for she was a woman of wonderful +art), that he was at length imposed upon; and now all his rage was +directed against me, threatening all manner of tortures, which the +poor lady was in too great a fright and confusion to dissuade him from +executing; and perhaps, if her concern for me had made her attempt it, +it would have raised a jealousy in him not afterwards to be removed. + +“After some hesitation Roderic cried out he had luckily hit on the most +proper punishment for me in the world, by a method which would at once +do severe justice on me for my criminal intention, and at the same time +prevent me from any danger of executing my wicked purpose hereafter. +This cruel resolution was immediately executed, and I was no longer +worthy the name of a man. + +“Having thus disqualified me from doing him any future injury, he still +retained me in his family; but the lady, very probably repenting of what +she had done, and looking on me as the author of her guilt, would never +for the future give me either a kind word or look: and shortly after, a +great exchange being made between the Romans and the Goths of dogs for +men, my lady exchanged me with a Roman widow for a small lap-dog, giving +a considerable sum of money to boot. + +“In this widow’s service I remained seven years, during all which time I +was very barbarously treated. I was worked without the least mercy, and +often severely beat by a swinging maid-servant, who never called me by +any other names than those of the Thing and the Animal. Though I used +my utmost industry to please, it never was in my power. Neither the lady +nor her woman would eat anything I touched, saying they did not believe +me wholesome. It is unnecessary to repeat particulars; in a word, you +can imagine no kind of ill usage which I did not suffer in this family. + +“At last an heathen priest, an acquaintance of my lady’s, obtained me of +her for a present. The scene was now totally changed, and I had as much +reason to be satisfied with my present situation as I had to lament my +former. I was so absolutely my master’s favorite, that the rest of the +slaves paid me almost as much regard as they showed to him, well knowing +that it was entirely in my power to command and treat them as I pleased. +I was intrusted with all my master’s secrets, and used to assist him in +privately conveying away by night the sacrifices from the altars, which +the people believed the deities themselves devoured. Upon these we +feasted very elegantly, nor could invention suggest a rarity which we +did not pamper ourselves with. Perhaps you may admire at the close union +between this priest and his slave, but we lived in an intimacy which +the Christians thought criminal; but my master, who knew the will of +the gods, with whom he told me he often conversed, assured me it was +perfectly innocent. + +“This happy life continued about four years, when my master’s death, +occasioned by a surfeit got by overfeeding on several exquisite +dainties, put an end to it. + +“I now fell into the hands of one of a very different disposition, and +this was no other than the celebrated St. Chrysostom, who dieted me with +sermons instead of sacrifices, and filled my ears with good things, but +not my belly. Instead of high food to fatten and pamper my flesh, I had +receipts to mortify and reduce it. With these I edified so well, that +within a few months I became a skeleton. However, as he had converted +me to his faith, I was well enough satisfied with this new manner of +living, by which he taught me I might insure myself an eternal reward in +a future state. The saint was a good-natured man, and never gave me +an ill word but once, which was occasioned by my neglecting to place +Aristophanes, which was his constant bedfellow, on his pillow. He was, +indeed, extremely fond of that Greek poet, and frequently made me read +his comedies to him. When I came to any of the loose passages he would +smile, and say, ‘It was pity his matter was not as pure as his style;’ +of which latter he was so immoderately fond that, notwithstanding the +detestation he expressed for obscenity, he hath made me repeat those +passages ten times over. The character of this good man hath been very +unjustly attacked by his heathen contemporaries, particularly with +regard to women; but his severe invectives against that sex are his +sufficient justification. + +“From the service of this saint, from whom I received manumission, I +entered into the family of Timasius, a leader of great eminence in +the imperial army, into whose favor I so far insinuated myself that he +preferred me to a good command, and soon made me partaker of both his +company and his secrets. I soon grew intoxicated with this preferment, +and the more he loaded me with benefits the more he raised my opinion of +my own merit, which, still outstripping the rewards he conferred on me, +inspired me rather with dissatisfaction than gratitude. And thus, +by preferring me beyond my merit or first expectation, he made me an +envious aspiring enemy, whom perhaps a more moderate bounty would have +preserved a dutiful servant. + +“I fell now acquainted with one Lucilius, a creature of the prime +minister Eutropius, who had by his favor been raised to the post of +a tribune; a man of low morals, and eminent only in that meanest of +qualities, cunning. This gentleman, imagining me a fit tool for the +minister’s purpose, having often sounded my principles of honor and +honesty, both which he declared to me were words without meaning, +and finding my ready concurrence in his sentiments, recommended me +to Eutropius as very proper to execute some wicked purposes he had +contrived against my frend Timasius. The minister embraced this +recommendation, and I was accordingly acquainted by Lucilius (after some +previous accounts of the great esteem Eutropius entertained of me, from +the testimony he had borne of my parts) that he would introduce me to +him; adding that he was a great encourager of merit, and that I might +depend upon his favor. + +“I was with little difficulty prevailed on to accept of this invitation. +A late hour therefore the next evening being appointed, I attended my +friend Lucilius to the minister’s house. + +“He received me with the utmost civility and cheerfulness, and affected +so much regard to me, that I, who knew nothing of these high scenes of +life, concluded I had in him a most disinterested friend, owing to the +favorable report which Lucilius had made of me. I was however soon cured +of this opinion; for immediately after supper our discourse turned on +the injustice which the generality of the world were guilty of in their +conduct to great men, expecting that they should reward their private +merit, without ever endeavoring to apply it to their use. ‘What avail,’ +said Eutropius, ‘the learning, wit, courage, or any virtue which a man +may be possessed of, to me, unless I receive some benefit from them? +Hath he not more merit to me who doth my business and obeys my commands, +without any of these qualities?’ I gave such entire satisfaction in +my answers on this head, that both the minister and his creature grew +bolder, and after some preface began to accuse Timasius. At last, +finding I did not attempt to defend him, Lucilius swore a great oath +that he was not fit to live, and that he would destroy him. Eutropius +answered that it would be too dangerous a task: ‘Indeed,’ says he, ‘his +crimes are of so black a dye, and so well known to the emperor, that his +death must be a very acceptable service, and could not fail meeting a +proper reward: but I question whether you are capable of executing +it.’ ‘If he is not,’ cried I, ‘I am; and surely no man can have greater +motives to destroy him than myself: for, besides his disloyalty to my +prince, for whom I have so perfect a duty, I have private disobligations +to him. I have had fellows put over my head, to the great scandal of +the service in general, and to my own prejudice and disappointment +in particular.’ I will not repeat you my whole speech; but, to be as +concise as possible, when we parted that evening the minister squeezed +me heartily by the hand, and with great commendation of my honesty and +assurances of his favor, he appointed me the next evening to come to +him alone; when, finding me, after a little more scrutiny, ready for his +purpose, he proposed to me to accuse Timasius of high treason, promising +me the highest rewards if I would undertake it. The consequence to him, +I suppose you know, was ruin; but what was it to me? Why, truly, when +I waited on Eutropius for the fulfilling his promises, received me +with great distance and coldness; and, on my dropping some hints of +my expectations from him, he affected not to understand me; saying +he thought impunity was the utmost I could hope for on discovering my +accomplice, whose offense was only greater than mine, as he was in +a higher station; and telling me he had great difficulty to obtain a +pardon for me from the emperor, which he said, he had struggled very +hardly for, as he had worked the discovery out of me. He turned away, +and addressed himself to another person. + +“I was so incensed at this treatment, that I resolved revenge, and +should certainly have pursued it, had he not cautiously prevented me by +taking effectual means to despatch me soon after out of the world. + +“You will, I believe, now think I had a second good chance for the +bottomless pit, and indeed Minos seemed inclined to tumble me in, till +he was informed of the revenge taken on me by Roderic, and my seven +years’ subsequent servitude to the widow; which he thought sufficient to +make atonement for all the crimes a single life could admit of, and so +sent me back to try my fortune a third time.” + + + + +CHAPTER XI + + In which Julian relates his adventures in the character of + an avaricious Jew. + +“The next character in which I was destined to appear in the flesh was +that of an avaricious Jew. I was born in Alexandria in Egypt. My name +was Balthazar. Nothing very remarkable happened to me till the year +of the memorable tumult in which the Jews of that city are reported in +history to have massacred more Christians than at that time dwelt in it. +Indeed, the truth is, they did maul the dogs pretty handsomely; but I +myself was not present, for as all our people were ordered to be armed, +I took that opportunity of selling two swords, which probably I might +otherwise never have disposed of, they being extremely old and rusty; so +that, having no weapon left, I did not care to venture abroad. Besides, +though I really thought it an act meriting salvation to murder the +Nazarenes, as the fact was to be committed at midnight, at which time, +to avoid suspicion, we were all to sally from our own houses, I could +not persuade myself to consume so much oil in sitting up to that hour: +for these reasons therefore I remained at home that evening. + +“I was at this time greatly enamored with one Hypatia, the daughter of a +philosopher; a young lady of the greatest beauty and merit: indeed, she +had every imaginable ornament both of mind and body. She seemed not +to dislike my person; but there were two obstructions to our marriage, +viz., my religion and her poverty: both which might probably have been +got over, had not those dogs the Christians murdered her; and, what is +worse, afterwards burned her body: worse, I say, because I lost by that +means a jewel of some value, which I had presented to her, designing, if +our nuptials did not take place, to demand it of her back again. + +“Being thus disappointed in my love, I soon after left Alexandria and +went to the imperial city, where I apprehended I should find a good +market for jewels on the approaching marriage of the emperor with +Athenais. I disguised myself as a beggar on this journey, for these +reasons: first, as I imagined I should thus carry my jewels with greater +safety; and, secondly, to lessen my expenses; which latter expedient +succeeded so well, that I begged two oboli on my way more than my +traveling cost me, my diet being chiefly roots, and my drink water. + +“But perhaps, it had been better for me if I had been more lavish +and more expeditious; for the ceremony was over before I reached +Constantinople; so that I lost that glorious opportunity of disposing of +my jewels with which many of our people were greatly enriched. + +“The life of a miser is very little worth relating, as it is one +constant scheme of getting or saving money. I shall therefore repeat to +you some few only of my adventures, without regard to any order. + +“A Roman Jew, who was a great lover of Falernian wine, and who indulged +himself very freely with it, came to dine at my house; when, knowing he +should meet with little wine, and that of the cheaper sort, sent me in +half-a-dozen jars of Falernian. Can you believe I would not give this +man his own wine? Sir, I adulterated it so that I made six jars +of [them] three, which he and his friend drank; the other three I +afterwards sold to the very person who originally sent them me, knowing +he would give a better price than any other. + +“A noble Roman came one day to my house in the country, which I had +purchased, for half the value, of a distressed person. My neighbors paid +him the compliment of some music, on which account, when he departed, +he left a piece of gold with me to be distributed among them. I pocketed +this money, and ordered them a small vessel of sour wine, which I could +not have sold for above two drachms, and afterwards made them pay in +work three times the value of it. + +“As I was not entirely void of religion, though I pretended to +infinitely more than I had, so I endeavored to reconcile my transactions +to my conscience as well as possible. Thus I never invited any one to +eat with me, but those on whose pockets I had some design. After our +collation it was constantly my method to set down in a book I kept for +that purpose, what I thought they owed me for their meal. Indeed, this +was generally a hundred times as much as they could have dined elsewhere +for; but, however, it was quid pro quo, if not ad valorem. Now, whenever +the opportunity offered of imposing on them I considered it only as +paying myself what they owed me: indeed, I did not always confine myself +strictly to what I had set down, however extravagant that was; but I +reconciled taking the overplus to myself as usance. + +“But I was not only too cunning for others--I sometimes overreached +myself. I have contracted distempers for want of food and warmth, which +have put me to the expense of a physician; nay, I once very narrowly +escaped death by taking bad drugs, only to save one seven-eighth per +cent in the price. + +“By these and such like means, in the midst of poverty and every kind of +distress, I saw myself master of an immense fortune, the casting up and +ruminating on which was my daily and only pleasure. This was, however, +obstructed and embittered by two considerations, which against my will +often invaded my thoughts. One, which would have been intolerable (but +that indeed seldom troubled me), was, that I must one day leave my +darling treasure. + +“The other haunted me continually, viz., that my riches were no greater. +However, I comforted myself against this reflection by an assurance that +they would increase daily: on which head my hopes were so extensive that +I may say with Virgil-- + +‘His ego nec metas rerum nec tempora pono.’ + +Indeed I am convinced that, had I possessed the whole globe of earth, +save one single drachma, which I had been certain never to be master +of--I am convinced, I say, that single drachma would have given me more +uneasiness than all the rest could afford me pleasure. + +“To say the truth, between my solicitude in contriving schemes to +procure money and my extreme anxiety in preserving it, I never had one +moment of ease while awake nor of quiet when in my sleep. + +“In all the characters through which I have passed, I have never +undergone half the misery I suffered in this; and, indeed, Minos seemed +to be of the same opinion; for while I stood trembling and shaking in +expectation of my sentence he bid me go back about my business, for that +nobody was to be d--n’d in more worlds than one. And, indeed, I have +since learned that the devil will not receive a miser.” + + + + +CHAPTER XII + + What happened to Julian in the characters of a general, an + heir, a carpenter, and a beau. + +“The next step I took into the world was at Apollonia, in Thrace, where +I was born of a beautiful Greek slave, who was the mistress of Eutyches, +a great favorite of the emperor Zeno. That prince, at his restoration, +gave me the command of a cohort, I being then but fifteen years of age; +and a little afterwards, before I had even seen an army, preferred me, +over the heads of all the old officers, to be a tribune. + +“As I found an easy access to the emperor, by means of my father’s +intimacy with him, he being a very good courtier--or, in other words, a +most prostitute flatterer--so I soon ingratiated myself with Zeno, and +so well imitated my father in flattering him, that he would never part +with me from about his person. So that the first armed force I ever +beheld was that with which Marcian surrounded the palace, where I was +then shut up with the rest of the court. + +“I was afterwards put at the head of a legion and ordered to march into +Syria with Theodoric the Goth; that is, I mean my legion was so ordered; +for, as to myself, I remained at court, with the name and pay of a +general, without the labor or the danger. + + “As nothing could be more gay, i. e., debauched, than Zeno’s +court, so the ladies of gay disposition had great sway in it; +particularly one, whose name was Fausta, who, though not extremely +handsome, was by her wit and sprightliness very agreeable to the +emperor. With her I lived in good correspondence, and we together +disposed of all kinds of commissions in the army, not to those who had +most merit, but who would purchase at the highest rate. My levee was now +prodigiously thronged by officers who returned from the campaigns, who, +though they might have been convinced by daily example how ineffectual +a recommendation their services were, still continued indefatigable in +attendance, and behaved to me with as much observance and respect as I +should have been entitled to for making their fortunes, while I suffered +them and their families to starve. + +“Several poets, likewise, addressed verses to me, in which they +celebrated my achievements; and what, perhaps, may seem strange to us +at present, I received all this incense with most greedy vanity, without +once reflecting that, as I did not deserve these compliments, they +should rather put me in mind of my defects. + +“My father was now dead, and I became so absolute in the emperor’s grace +that one unacquainted with courts would scarce believe the servility +with which all kinds of persons who entered the walls of the palace +behaved towards me. A bow, a smile, a nod from me, as I passed through +cringing crowds, were esteemed as signal favors; but a gracious word +made any one happy; and, indeed, had this real benefit attending it, +that it drew on the person on whom it was bestowed a very great degree +of respect from all others; for these are of current value in courts, +and, like notes in trading communities, are assignable from one to the +other. The smile of a court favorite immediately raises the person +who receives it, and gives a value to his smile when conferred on an +inferior: thus the smile is transferred from one to the other, and the +great man at last is the person to discount it. For instance, a very +low fellow hath a desire for a place. To whom is he to apply? Not to the +great man; for to him he hath no access. He therefore applies to A, who +is the creature of B, who is the tool of C, who is the flatterer of D, +who is the catamite of E, who is the pimp of F, who is the bully of G, +who is the buffoon of I, who is the husband of K, who is the whore of +L, who is the bastard of M, who is the instrument of the great man. Thus +the smile descending regularly from the great man to A, is discounted +back again, and at last paid by the great man. + +“It is manifest that a court would subsist as difficultly without this +kind of coin as a trading city without paper credit. Indeed, they differ +in this, that their value is not quite so certain, and a favorite may +protest his smile without the danger of bankruptcy. + +“In the midst of all this glory the emperor died, and Anastasius was +preferred to the crown. As it was yet uncertain whether I should not +continue in favor, I was received as usual at my entrance into the +palace to pay my respects to the new emperor; but I was no sooner rumped +by him than I received the same compliment from all the rest; the whole +room, like a regiment of soldiers, turning their backs to me all at +once: my smile now was become of equal value with the note of a broken +banker, and every one was as cautious not to receive it. + +“I made as much haste as possible from the court, and shortly after +from the city, retreating to the place of my nativity, where I spent the +remainder of my days in a retired life in husbandry, the only amusement +for which I was qualified, having neither learning nor virtue. + +“When I came to the gate Minos again seemed at first doubtful, but at +length dismissed me; saying though I had been guilty of many heinous +crimes, in as much as I had, though a general, never been concerned in +spilling human blood, I might return again to earth. + +“I was now again born in Alexandria, and, by great accident, entering +into the womb of my daughter-in-law, came forth my own grandson, +inheriting that fortune which I had before amassed. + +“Extravagance was now as notoriously my vice as avarice had been +formerly; and I spent in a very short life what had cost me the labor +of a very long one to rake together. Perhaps you will think my present +condition was more to be envied than my former: but upon my word it was +very little so; for, by possessing everything almost before I desired +it, I could hardly ever say I enjoyed my wish: I scarce ever knew the +delight of satisfying a craving appetite. Besides, as I never once +thought, my mind was useless to me, and I was an absolute stranger to +all the pleasures arising from it. Nor, indeed, did my education qualify +me for any delicacy in other enjoyments; so that in the midst of plenty +I loathed everything. Taste for elegance I had none; and the greatest of +corporeal blisses I felt no more from than the lowest animal. In a word, +as while a miser I had plenty without daring to use it, so now I had it +without appetite. + +“But if I was not very happy in the height of my enjoyment, so I +afterwards became perfectly miserable; being soon overtaken by disease, +and reduced to distress, till at length, with a broken constitution and +broken heart, I ended my wretched days in a jail: nor can I think the +sentence of Minos too mild, who condemned me, after having taken a large +dose of avarice, to wander three years on the banks of Cocytus, with +the knowledge of having spent the fortune in the person of the grandson +which I had raised in that of the grandfather. + +“The place of my birth, on my return to the world, was Constantinople, +where my father was a carpenter. The first thing I remember was, the +triumph of Belisarius, which was, indeed, most noble show; but nothing +pleased me so much as the figure of Gelimer, king of the African +Vandals, who, being led captive on this occasion, reflecting with +disdain on the mutation of his own fortune, and on the ridiculous empty +pomp of the conqueror, cried out, VANITY, VANITY, ALL IS MERE VANITY.’ + +“I was bred up to my father’s trade, and you may easily believe so low a +sphere could produce no adventures worth your notice. However, I married +a woman I liked, and who proved a very tolerable wife. My days were +passed in hard labor, but this procured me health, and I enjoyed a +homely supper at night with my wife with more pleasure than I apprehend +greater persons find at their luxurious meals. My life had scarce any +variety in it, and at my death I advanced to Minos with great confidence +of entering the gate: but I was unhappily obliged to discover some +frauds I had been guilty of in the measure of my work when I worked +by the foot, as well as my laziness when I was employed by the day. On +which account, when I attempted to pass, the angry judge laid hold on +me by the shoulders, and turned me back so violently, that, had I had a +neck of flesh and bone, I believe he would have broke it.” + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + + Julian passes into a fop. + +“My scene of action was Rome. I was born into a noble family, and heir +to a considerable fortune. On which my parents, thinking I should not +want any talents, resolved very kindly and wisely to throw none away +upon me. The only instructors of my youth were therefore one Saltator, +who taught me several motions for my legs; and one Ficus, whose business +was to show me the cleanest way (as he called it) of cutting off a man’s +head. When I was well accomplished in these sciences, I thought nothing +more wanting, but what was to be furnished by the several mechanics in +Rome, who dealt in dressing and adorning the pope. Being therefore well +equipped with all which their art could produce, I became at the age +of twenty a complete finished beau. And now during forty-five years I +dressed, I sang and danced, and danced and sang, I bowed and ogled, and +ogled and bowed, till, in the sixty-sixth year of my age, I got cold by +overheating myself with dancing, and died. + +“Minos told me, as I was unworthy of Elysium, so I was too insignificant +to be damned, and therefore bade me walk back again.” + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + + Adventures in the person of a monk. + +“Fortune now placed me in the character of a younger brother of a good +house, and I was in my youth sent to school; but learning was now at so +low an ebb, that my master himself could hardly construe a sentence +of Latin; and as for Greek, he could not read it. With very little +knowledge therefore, and with altogether as little virtue, I was set +apart for the church, and at the proper age commenced monk. I lived many +years retired in a cell, a life very agreeable to the gloominess of my +temper, which was much inclined to despise the world; that is, in other +words, to envy all men of superior fortune and qualifications, and in +general to hate and detest the human species. Notwithstanding which, +I could, on proper occasions, submit to flatter the vilest fellow in +nature, which I did one Stephen, an eunuch, a favorite of the emperor +Justinian II, one of the wickedest wretches whom perhaps the world ever +saw. I not only wrote a panegyric on this man, but I commended him as +a pattern to all others in my sermons; by which means I so greatly +ingratiated myself with him, that he introduced me to the emperor’s +presence, where I prevailed so far by the same methods, that I was +shortly taken from my cell, and preferred to a place at court. I was no +sooner established in the favor of Justinian than I prompted him to all +kind of cruelty. As I was of a sour morose temper, and hated nothing +more than the symptoms of happiness appearing in any countenance, I +represented all kind of diversion and amusement as the most horrid sins. +I inveighed against cheerfulness as levity, and encouraged nothing but +gravity, or, to confess the truth to you, hypocrisy. The unhappy +emperor followed my advice, and incensed the people by such repeated +barbarities, that he was at last deposed by them and banished. + +“I now retired again to my cell (for historians mistake in saying I was +put to death), where I remained safe from the danger of the irritated +mob, whom I cursed in my own heart as much as they could curse me. + +“Justinian, after three years of his banishment, returned to +Constantinople in disguise, and paid me a visit. I at first affected +not to know him, and without the least compunction of gratitude for his +former favors, intended not to receive him, till a thought immediately +suggested itself to me how I might convert him to my advantage, I +pretended to recollect him; and, blaming the shortness of my memory +and badness of my eyes, I sprung forward and embraced him with great +affection. + +“My design was to betray him to Apsimar, who, I doubted not, would +generously reward such a service. I therefore very earnestly requested +him to spend the whole evening with me; to which he consented. I formed +an excuse for leaving him a few minutes, and ran away to the palace to +acquaint Apsimar with the guest whom I had then in my cell. He presently +ordered a guard to go with me and seize him; but, whether the length of +my stay gave him any suspicion, or whether he changed his purpose after +my departure, I know not; for at my return we found he had given us the +slip; nor could we with the most diligent search discover him. + +“Apsimar, being disappointed of his prey, now raged at me; at first +denouncing the most dreadful vengeance if I did not produce the deposed +monarch. However, by soothing his passion when at the highest, and +afterwards by canting and flattery, I made a shift to escape his fury. + +“When Justinian was restored I very confidently went to wish him joy +of his restoration: but it seems he had unfortunately heard of my +treachery, so that he at first received me coldly, and afterwards +upbraided me openly with what I had done. I persevered stoutly in +denying it, as I knew no evidence could be produced against me; till, +finding him irreconcilable, I betook myself to reviling him in my +sermons, and on every other occasion, as an enemy to the church and good +men, and as an infidel, a heretic, an atheist, a heathen, and an Arian. +This I did immediately on his return, and before he gave those flagrant +proofs of his inhumanity which afterwards sufficiently verified all I +had said. + +“Luckily I died on the same day when a great number of those forces +which Justinian had sent against the Thracian Bosphorus, and who had +executed such unheard-of cruelties there, perished. As every one +of these was cast into the bottomless pit, Minos was so tired with +condemnation, that he proclaimed that all present who had not been +concerned in that bloody expedition might, if they pleased, return to +the other world. I took him at his word, and, presently turning about, +began my journey.” + + + + +CHAPTER XV + + Julian passes into the character of a fiddler. + +“Rome was now the seat of my nativity. My mother was an African, a woman +of no great beauty, but a favorite, I suppose from her piety, of +pope Gregory II. Who was my father I know not, but I believe no very +considerable man; for after the death of that pope, who was, out of his +religion, a very good friend of my mother, we fell into great distress, +and were at length reduced to walk the streets of Rome; nor had either +of us any other support but a fiddle, on which I played with pretty +tolerable skill; for, as my genius turned naturally to music, so I had +been in my youth very early instructed at the expense of the good pope. +This afforded us but a very poor livelihood: for, though I had often +a numerous crowd of hearers, few ever thought themselves obliged to +contribute the smallest pittance to the poor starving wretch who had +given them pleasure. Nay, some of the graver sort, after an hour’s +attention to my music, have gone away shaking their heads, and crying it +was a shame such vagabonds were suffered to stay in the city. + +“To say the truth, I am confident the fiddle would not have kept us +alive had we entirely depended on the generosity of my hearers. My +mother therefore was forced to use her own industry; and while I was +soothing the ears of the crowd, she applied to their pockets, and that +generally with such good success that we now began to enjoy a very +comfortable subsistence; and indeed, had we had the least prudence or +forecast, might have soon acquired enough to enable us to quit this +dangerous and dishonorable way of life: but I know not what is the +reason that money got with labor and safety is constantly preserved, +while the produce of danger and ease is commonly spent as easily, and +often as wickedly, as acquired. Thus we proportioned our expenses rather +by what we had than what we wanted or even desired; and on obtaining a +considerable booty we have even forced nature into the most profligate +extravagance, and have been wicked without inclination. + +“We carried on this method of thievery for a long time without +detection: but, as Fortune generally leaves persons of extraordinary +ingenuity in the lurch at last, so did she us; for my poor mother was +taken in the fact, and, together with myself, as her accomplice, hurried +before a magistrate. + +“Luckily for us, the person who was to be our judge was the greatest +lover of music in the whole city, and had often sent for me to play +to him, for which, as he had given me very small rewards, perhaps his +gratitude now moved him: but, whatever was his motive, he browbeat the +informers against us, and treated their evidence with so little favor, +that their mouths were soon stopped, and we dismissed with honor; +acquitted, I should rather have it said, for we were not suffered to +depart till I had given the judge several tunes on the fiddle. + +“We escaped the better on this occasion because the person robbed +happened to be a poet; which gave the judge, who was a facetious person, +many opportunities of jesting. He said poets and musicians should agree +together, seeing they had married sisters; which he afterwards explained +to be the sister arts. And when the piece of gold was produced he burst +into a loud laugh, and said it must be the golden age, when poets had +gold in their pockets, and in that age there could be no robbers. He +made many more jests of the same kind, but a small taste will suffice. + +“It is a common saying that men should take warning by any signal +delivery; but I cannot approve the justice of it; for to me it seems +that the acquittal of a guilty person should rather inspire him with +confidence, and it had this effect on us: for we now laughed at the law, +and despised its punishments, which we found were to be escaped even +against positive evidence. We imagined the late example was rather a +warning to the accuser than the criminal, and accordingly proceeded in +the most impudent and flagitious manner. + +“Among other robberies, one night, being admitted by the servants into +the house of an opulent priest, my mother took an opportunity, whilst +the servants were dancing to my tunes, to convey away a silver vessel; +this she did without the least sacrilegious intention; but it seems the +cup, which was a pretty large one, was dedicated to holy uses, and only +borrowed by the priest on an entertainment which he made for some of his +brethren. We were immediately pursued upon this robbery (the cup being +taken in our possession), and carried before the same magistrate, who +had before behaved to us with so much gentleness: but his countenance +was now changed, for the moment the priest appeared against us, his +severity was as remarkable as his candor had been before, and we were +both ordered to be stripped and whipped through the streets. + +“This sentence was executed with great severity, the priest himself +attending and encouraging the executioner, which he said he did for the +good of our souls; but, though our backs were both flayed, neither +my mother’s torments nor my own afflicted me so much as the indignity +offered to my poor fiddle, which was carried in triumph before me, and +treated with a contempt by the multitude, intimating a great scorn +for the science I had the honor to profess; which, as it is one of +the noblest inventions of men, and as I had been always in the highest +degree proud of my excellence in it, I suffered so much from the +ill-treatment my fiddle received, that I would have given all my +remainder of skin to have preserved it from this affront. + +“My mother survived the whipping a very short time; and I was now +reduced to great distress and misery, till a young Roman of considerable +rank took a fancy to me, received me into his family, and conversed with +me in the utmost familiarity. He had a violent attachment to music, and +would learn to play on the fiddle; but, through want of genius for the +science, he never made any considerable progress. However, I flattered +his performance, and he grew extravagantly fond of me for so doing. +Had I continued this behavior I might possibly have reaped the greatest +advantages from his kindness; but I had raised his own opinion of his +musical abilities so high, that he now began to prefer his skill to +mine, a presumption I could not bear. One day as we were playing in +concert he was horribly out; nor was it possible, as he destroyed the +harmony, to avoid telling him of it. Instead of receiving my correction, +he answered it was my blunder and not his, and that I had mistaken the +key. Such an affront from my own scholar was beyond human patience; I +flew into a violent passion, I flung down my instrument in a rage, and +swore I was not to be taught music at my age. He answered, with as much +warmth, nor was he to be instructed by a strolling fiddler. The dispute +ended in a challenge to play a prize before judges. This wager was +determined in my favor; but the purchase was a dear one, for I lost my +friend by it, who now, twitting me with all his kindness, with my former +ignominious punishment, and the destitute condition from which I had +been by his bounty relieved, discarded me for ever. + +“While I lived with this gentleman I became known, among others, to +Sabina, a lady of distinction, and who valued herself much on her taste +for music. She no sooner heard of my being discarded than she took +me into her house, where I was extremely well clothed and fed. +Notwithstanding which, my situation was far from agreeable; for I was +obliged to submit to her constant reprehensions before company, which +gave me the greater uneasiness because they were always wrong; nor am I +certain that she did not by these provocations contribute to my death: +for, as experience had taught me to give up my resentment to my bread, +so my passions, for want of outward vent, preyed inwardly on my vitals, +and perhaps occasioned the distemper of which I sickened. + +“The lady, who, amidst all the faults she found, was very fond of +me, nay, probably was the fonder of me the more faults she found, +immediately called in the aid of three celebrated physicians. The +doctors (being well fee’d) made me seven visits in three days, and +two of them were at the door to visit me the eighth time, when, being +acquainted that I was just dead, they shook their heads and departed. + +“When I came to Minos he asked me with a smile whether I had brought my +fiddle with me; and, receiving an answer in the negative, he bid me get +about my business, saying it was well for me that the devil was no lover +of music.” + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + + The history of the wise man. + +“I now returned to Rome, but in a very different character. Fortune had +now allotted me a serious part to act. I had even in my infancy a grave +disposition, nor was I ever seen to smile, which infused an opinion into +all about me that I was a child of great solidity; some foreseeing that +I should be a judge, and others a bishop. At two years old my father +presented me with a rattle, which I broke to pieces with great +indignation. This the good parent, being extremely wise, regarded as an +eminent symptom of my wisdom, and cried out in a kind of ecstasy, ‘Well +said, boy! I warrant thou makest a great man.’ + +“At school I could never be persuaded to play with my mates; not that +I spent my hours in learning, to which I was not in the least addicted, +nor indeed had I any talents for it. However, the solemnity of my +carriage won so much on my master, who was a most sagacious person, +that I was his chief favorite, and my example on all occasions was +recommended to the other boys, which filled them with envy, and me with +pleasure; but, though they envied me, they all paid me that involuntary +respect which it is the curse attending this passion to bear towards its +object. + +“I had now obtained universally the character of a very wise young man, +which I did not altogether purchase without pains; for the restraint I +laid on myself in abstaining from the several diversions adapted to my +years cost me many a yearning; but the pride which I inwardly enjoyed in +the fancied dignity of my character made me some amends. + +“Thus I passed on, without anything very memorable happening to me, +till I arrived at the age of twenty-three, when unfortunately I fell +acquainted with a young Neapolitan lady whose name was Ariadne. Her +beauty was so exquisite that her first sight made a violent impression +on me; this was again improved by her behavior, which was most genteel, +easy, and affable: lastly, her conversation completed the conquest. In +this she discovered a strong and lively understanding, with the sweetest +and most benign temper. This lovely creature was about eighteen when I +first unhappily beheld her at Rome, on a visit to a relation with whom I +had great intimacy. As our interviews at first were extremely frequent, +my passions were captivated before I apprehended the least danger; and +the sooner probably, as the young lady herself, to whom I consulted +every method of recommendation, was not displeased with my being her +admirer. + +“Ariadne, having spent three months at Rome, now returned to Naples, +bearing my heart with her: on the other hand, I had all the assurances +consistent with the constraint under which the most perfect modesty lays +a young woman, that her own heart was not entirely unaffected. I soon +found her absence gave me an uneasiness not easy to be borne or +to remove. I now first applied to diversions (of the graver sort, +particularly to music), but in vain; they rather raised my desires and +heightened my anguish. My passion at length grew so violent, that I +began to think of satisfying it. As the first step to this, I cautiously +inquired into the circumstances of Ariadne’s parents, with which I was +hitherto unacquainted: though, indeed, I did not apprehend they were +extremely great, notwithstanding the handsome appearance of their +daughter at Rome. Upon examination, her fortune exceeded my expectation, +but was not sufficient to justify my marriage with her, in the opinion +of the wise and prudent. I had now a violent struggle between wisdom +and happiness, in which, after several grievous pangs, wisdom got +the better. I could by no means prevail with myself to sacrifice that +character of profound wisdom, which I had with such uniform conduct +obtained, and with such caution hitherto preserved. I therefore resolved +to conquer my affection, whatever it cost me; and indeed it did not cost +me a little. + +“While I was engaged in this conflict (for it lasted a long time) +Ariadne returned to Rome: her presence was a terrible enemy to my +wisdom, which even in her absence had with great difficulty stood +its ground. It seems (as she hath since told me in Elysium with much +merriment) I had made the same impressions on her which she had made on +me. Indeed, I believe my wisdom would have been totally subdued by this +surprise, had it not cunningly suggested to me a method of satisfying my +passion without doing any injury to my reputation. This was by engaging +her privately as a mistress, which was at that time reputable enough +at Rome, provided the affair was managed with an air of slyness and +gravity, though the secret was known to the whole city. + +“I immediately set about this project, and employed every art and engine +to effect it. I had particularly bribed her priest, and an old female +acquaintance and distant relation of hers, into my interest: but all +was in vain; her virtue opposed the passion in her breast as strongly as +wisdom had opposed it in mine. She received my proposals with the utmost +disdain, and presently refused to see or hear from me any more. + +“She returned again to Naples, and left me in a worse condition than +before. My days I now passed with the most irksome uneasiness, and +my nights were restless and sleepless. The story of our amour was now +pretty public, and the ladies talked of our match as certain; but my +acquaintance denied their assent, saying, ‘No, no, he is too wise to +marry so imprudently.’ This their opinion gave me, I own, very great +pleasure; but, to say the truth, scarce compensated the pangs I suffered +to preserve it. + +“One day, while I was balancing with myself, and had almost resolved +to enjoy my happiness at the price of my character, a friend brought +me word that Ariadne was married. This news struck me to the soul; and +though I had resolution enough to maintain my gravity before him (for +which I suffered not a little the more), the moment I was alone I threw +myself into the most violent fit of despair, and would willingly have +parted with wisdom, fortune, and everything else, to have retrieved her; +but that was impossible, and I had now nothing but time to hope a cure +from. This was very tedious in performing it, and the longer as Ariadne +had married a Roman cavalier, was now become my near neighbor, and I had +the mortification of seeing her make the best of wives, and of having +the happiness which I had lost, every day before my eyes. + +“If I suffered so much on account of my wisdom in having refused +Ariadne, I was not much more obliged to it for procuring me a rich +widow, who was recommended to me by an old friend as a very prudent +match; and, indeed, so it was, her fortune being superior to mine in +the same proportion as that of Ariadne had been inferior. I therefore +embraced this proposal, and my character of wisdom soon pleaded so +effectually for me with the widow, who was herself a woman of great +gravity and discretion, that I soon succeeded; and as soon as decency +would permit (of which this lady was the strictest observer) we were +married, being the second day of the second week of the second year +after her husband’s death; for she said she thought some period of time +above the year had a great air of decorum. + +“But, prudent as this lady was, she made me miserable. Her person was +far from being lovely, but her temper was intolerable. + +“During fifteen years’ habitation, I never passed a single day without +heartily cursing her, and the hour in which we came together. The only +comfort I received, in the midst of the highest torments, was from +continually hearing the prudence of my match commended by all my +acquaintance. + +“Thus you see, in the affairs of love, I bought the reputation of +wisdom pretty dear. In other matters I had it somewhat cheaper; not that +hypocrisy, which was the price I gave for it, gives one no pain. I have +refused myself a thousand little amusements with a feigned contempt, +while I have really had an inclination to them. I have often almost +choked myself to restrain from laughing at a jest, and (which was +perhaps to myself the least hurtful of all my hypocrisy) have heartily +enjoyed a book in my closet which I have spoken with detestation of in +public. To sum up my history in short, as I had few adventures worth +remembering, my whole life was one constant lie; and happy would it have +been for me if I could as thoroughly have imposed on myself as I did on +others: for reflection, at every turn, would often remind me I was +not so wise as people thought me; and this considerably embittered the +pleasure I received from the public commendation of my wisdom. This +self-admonition, like a memento mori or mortalis es, must be, in my +opinion, a very dangerous enemy to flattery: indeed, a weight sufficient +to counterbalance all the false praise of the world. But whether it be +that the generality of wise men do not reflect at all, or whether they +have, from a constant imposition on others, contracted such a habit of +deceit as to deceive themselves, I will not determine: it is, I believe, +most certain that very few wise men know themselves what fools they are, +more than the world doth. Good gods! could one but see what passes in +the closet of wisdom! how ridiculous a sight must it be to behold the +wise man, who despises gratifying his palate, devouring custard; the +sober wise man with his dram-bottle; or, the anti-carnalist (if I may +be allowed the expression) chuckling over a b--dy book or picture, and +perhaps caressing his house-maid! + +“But to conclude a character in which I apprehend I made as absurd a +figure as in any in which I trod the stage of earth, my wisdom at last +but an end to itself, that is, occasioned my dissolution. + +“A relation of mine in the eastern part of the empire disinherited his +son, and left me his heir. This happened in the depth of winter, when +I was in my grand climacteric, and had just recovered of a dangerous +disease. As I had all the reason imaginable to apprehend the family of +the deceased would conspire against me, and embezzle as much as they +could, I advised with a grave and wise friend what was proper to be +done; whether I should go myself, or employ a notary on this occasion, +and defer my journey to the spring. To say the truth, I was most +inclined to the latter; the rather as my circumstances were extremely +flourishing, as I was advanced in years, and had not one person in the +world to whom I should with pleasure bequeath any fortune at my death. + +“My friend told me he thought my question admitted of no manner of +doubt or debate; that common prudence absolutely required my immediate +departure; adding, that if the same good luck had happened to him he +would have been already on his journey; ‘for,’ continued he, ‘a man who +knows the world so well as you, would be inexcusable to give persons +such an opportunity of cheating you, who, you must be assured, will +be too well inclined; and as for employing a notary, remember that +excellent maxim, Ne facias per alium, quod fieri potest per te. I +own the badness of the season and your very late recovery are unlucky +circumstances; but a wise man must get over difficulties when necessity +obliges him to encounter them.’ + +“I was immediately determined by this opinion. The duty of a wise man +made an irresistible impression, and I took the necessity for granted +without examination. I accordingly set forward the next morning; very +tempestuous weather soon overtook me; I had not traveled three days +before I relapsed into my fever, and died. + +“I was now as cruelly disappointed by Minos as I had formerly been +happily so. I advanced with the utmost confidence to the gate, and +really imagined I should have been admitted by the wisdom of my +countenance, even without any questions asked: but this was not my case; +and, to my great surprise, Minos, with a menacing voice, called out to +me, ‘You Mr. there, with the grave countenance, whither so fast, pray? +Will you please, before you move any farther forwards, to give me a +short account of your transactions below?’ I then began, and recounted +to him my whole history, still expecting at the end of every period that +the gate would be ordered to fly open; but I was obliged to go quite +through with it, and then Minos after some little consideration spoke to +me as follows:-- + +“‘You, Mr. Wiseman, stand forth if you please. Believe me, sir, a trip +back again to earth will be one of the wisest steps you ever took, +and really more to the honor of your wisdom than any you have hitherto +taken. On the other side, nothing could be simpler than to endeavor at +Elysium; for who but a fool would carry a commodity, which is of such +infinite value in one place, into another where it is of none? But, +without attempting to offend your gravity with a jest, you must return +to the place from whence you came, for Elysium was never designed for +those who are too wise to be happy.’ + +“This sentence confounded me greatly, especially as it seemed to +threaten me with carrying my wisdom back again to earth. I told the +judge, though he would not admit me at the gate, I hoped I had committed +no crime while alive which merited my being wise any longer. He answered +me, I must take my chance as to that matter, and immediately we turned +our backs to each other.” + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + + Julian enters into the person of a king. + +“I was now born at Oviedo in Spain. My father’s name was Veremond, and I +was adopted by my uncle king Alphonso the chaste. + +“I don’t recollect in all the pilgrimages I have made on earth that I +ever passed a more miserable infancy than now; being under the utmost +confinement and restraint, and surrounded with physicians who were +ever dosing me, and tutors who were continually plaguing me with their +instructions; even those hours of leisure which my inclination would +have spent in play were allotted to tedious pomp and ceremony, which, +at an age wherein I had no ambition to enjoy the servility of courtiers, +enslaved me more than it could the meanest of them. However, as I +advanced towards manhood, my condition made me some amends; for the most +beautiful women of their own accord threw out lures for me, and I had +the happiness, which no man in an inferior degree can arrive at, of +enjoying the most delicious creatures, without the previous and +tiresome ceremonies of courtship, unless with the most simple, young and +unexperienced. As for the court ladies, they regarded me rather as men +do the most lovely of the other sex; and, though they outwardly retained +some appearance of modesty, they in reality rather considered themselves +as receiving than conferring favors. + +“Another happiness I enjoyed was in conferring favors of another sort; +for, as I was extremely good-natured and generous, so I had daily +opportunities of satisfying those passions. Besides my own princely +allowance, which was very bountiful, and with which I did many liberal +and good actions, I recommended numberless persons of merit in distress +to the king’s notice, most of whom were provided for. Indeed, had I +sufficiently known my blessed situation at this time, I should have +grieved at nothing more than the death of Alphonso, by which the burden +of government devolved upon me; but, so blindly fond is ambition, and +such charms doth it fancy in the power and pomp and splendor of a +crown, that, though I vehemently loved that king, and had the greatest +obligations to him, the thoughts of succeeding him obliterated my regret +at his loss, and the wish for my approaching coronation dried my eyes at +his funeral. + +“But my fondness for the name of king did not make me forgetful of those +over whom I was to reign. I considered them in the light in which a +tender father regards his children, as persons whose wellbeing God +had intrusted to my care; and again, in that in which a prudent lord +respects his tenants, as those on whose wealth and grandeur he is to +build his own. Both these considerations inspired me with the greatest +care for their welfare, and their good was my first and ultimate +concern. + +“The usurper Mauregas had impiously obliged himself and his successors +to pay to the Moors every year an infamous tribute of an hundred young +virgins: from this cruel and scandalous imposition I resolved to relieve +my country. Accordingly, when their emperor Abderames the second had the +audaciousness to make this demand of me, instead of complying with it I +ordered his ambassadors to be driven away with all imaginable ignominy, +and would have condemned them to death, could I have done it without a +manifest violation of the law of nations. + +“I now raised an immense army; at the levying of which I made a speech +from my throne, acquainting my subjects with the necessity and the +reasons of the war in which I was going to engage: which I convinced +them I had undertaken for their ease and safety, and not for satisfying +any wanton ambition, or revenging any private pique of my own. They all +declared unanimously that they would venture their lives and everything +dear to them in my defense, and in the support of the honor of my crown. +Accordingly, my levies were instantly complete, sufficient numbers +being only left to till the land; churchmen, even bishops themselves, +enlisting themselves under my banners. + +“The armies met at Alvelda, where we were discomfited with immense loss, +and nothing but the lucky intervention of the night could have saved our +whole army. + +“I retreated to the summit of a hill, where I abandoned myself to the +highest agonies of grief, not so much for the danger in which I then saw +my crown, as for the loss of those miserable wretches who had exposed +their lives at my command. I could not then avoid this reflection--that, +if the deaths of these people in a war undertaken absolutely for their +protection could give me such concern, what horror must I have felt if, +like princes greedy of dominion, I had sacrificed such numbers to my own +pride, vanity, and ridiculous lust of power. + +“After having vented my sorrows for some time in this manner, I began +to consider by what means I might possibly endeavor to retrieve this +misfortune; when, reflecting on the great number of priests I had in +my army, and on the prodigious force of superstition, a thought luckily +suggested itself to me, to counterfeit that St. James had appeared to me +in a vision, and had promised me the victory. While I was ruminating on +this the bishop of Najara came opportunely to me. As I did not intend +to communicate the secret to him, I took another method, and, instead +of answering anything the bishop said to me, I pretended to talk to St. +James, as if he had been really present; till at length, after having +spoke those things which I thought sufficient, and thanked the saint +aloud for his promise of the victory, I turned about to the bishop, and, +embracing him with a pleased countenance, protested I did not know he +was present; and then, informing him of this supposed vision, I asked +him if he had not himself seen the saint? He answered me he had; and +afterwards proceeded to assure me that this appearance of St. James was +entirely owing to his prayers; for that he was his tutelar saint. He +added he had a vision of him a few hours before, when he promised him +a victory over the infidels, and acquainted him at the same time of the +vacancy of the see of Toledo. Now, this news being really true, though +it had happened so lately that I had not heard of it (nor, indeed, was +it well possible I should, considering the great distance of the way), +when I was afterwards acquainted with it, a little staggered me, though +far from being superstitious; till being informed that the bishop had +lost three horses on a late expedition, I was satisfied. + +“The next morning, the bishop, at my desire, mounted the rostrum, and +trumpeted forth this vision so effectually, which he said he had that +evening twice seen with his own eyes, that a spirit began to be infused +through the whole army which rendered them superior to almost any force: +the bishop insisted that the least doubt of success was giving the lie +to the saint, and a damnable sin, and he took upon him in his name to +promise them victory. + +“The army being drawn out, I soon experienced the effect of enthusiasm, +for, having contrived another stratagem [9] to strengthen what the +bishop had said, the soldiers fought more like furies than men. My +stratagem was this: I had about me a dexterous fellow, who had been +formerly a pimp in my amours. Him I dressed up in a strange antic dress, +with a pair of white colors in his right hand, a red cross in his left, +and having disguised him so that no one could know him, I placed him on +a white horse, and ordered him to ride to the head of the army, and cry +out, ‘Follow St. James!’ These words were reiterated by all the troops, +who attacked the enemy with such intrepidity, that, notwithstanding our +inferiority of numbers, we soon obtained a complete victory. + +“The bishop was come up by the time that the enemy was routed, and, +acquainting us that he had met St. James by the way, and that he had +informed him of what had passed, he added that he had express orders +from the saint to receive a considerable sum for his use, and that a +certain tax on corn and wine should be settled on his church for ever; +and lastly, that a horseman’s pay should be allowed for the future +to the saint himself, of which he and his successors were appointed +receivers. The army received these demands with such acclamations that +I was obliged to comply with them, as I could by no means discover the +imposition, nor do I believe I should have gained any credit if I had. + +“I had now done with the saint, but the bishop had not; for about a week +afterwards lights were seen in a wood near where the battle was fought; +and in a short time afterwards they discovered his tomb at the same +place. Upon this the bishop made me a visit, and forced me to go +thither, to build a church to him, and largely endow it. In a word, the +good man so plagued me with miracle after miracle, that I was forced to +make interest with the pope to convey him to Toledo, to get rid of him. + +“But to proceed to other matters.--There was an inferior officer, +who had behaved very bravely in the battle against the Moors, and had +received several wounds, who solicited me for preferment; which I was +about to confer on him, when one of my ministers came to me in a fright, +and told me that he had promised the post I designed for this man to the +son of count Alderedo; and that the count, who was a powerful person, +would be greatly disobliged at the refusal, as he had sent for his son +from school to take possession of it. I was obliged to agree with my +minister’s reasons, and at the same time recommended the wounded soldier +to be preferred by him, which he faithfully promised he would; but I +met the poor wretch since in Elysium, who informed me he was afterwards +starved to death. + +“None who hath not been himself a prince, nor any prince till his death, +can conceive the impositions daily put on them by their favorites and +ministers; so that princes are often blamed for the faults of others. +The count of Saldagne had been long confined in prison, when his son, D. +Bernard del Carpio, who had performed the greatest actions against +the Moors, entreated me, as a reward for his service, to grant him his +father’s liberty. The old man’s punishment had been so tedious, and +the services of the young one so singularly eminent, that I was very +inclinable to grant the request; but my ministers strongly opposed it; +they told me my glory demanded revenge for the dishonor offered to my +family; that so positive a demand carried with it rather the air of +menace than entreaty; that the vain detail of his services, and the +recompense due to them, was an injurious reproach; that to grant what +had been so haughtily demanded would argue in the monarch both weakness +and timidity; in a word, that to remit the punishment inflicted by my +predecessors would be to condemn their judgment. Lastly, one told me in +a whisper, ‘His whole family are enemies to your house.’ By these means +the ministers prevailed. The young lord took the refusal so ill, that he +retired from court, and abandoned himself to despair, whilst the old one +languished in prison. By which means, as I have since discovered, I lost +the use of two of my best subjects. + +“To confess the truth, I had, by means of my ministers, conceived a very +unjust opinion of my whole people, whom I fancied to be daily conspiring +against me, and to entertain the most disloyal thoughts, when, in +reality (as I have known since my death), they held me in universal +respect and esteem. This is a trick, I believe, too often played with +sovereigns, who, by such means, are prevented from that open intercourse +with their subjects which, as it would greatly endear the person of the +prince to the people, so might it often prove dangerous to a minister +who was consulting his own interest only at the expense of both. I +believe I have now recounted to you the most material passages of my +life; for I assure you there are some incidents in the lives of kings +not extremely worth relating. Everything which passes in their minds +and families is not attended with the splendor which surrounds their +throne--indeed, there are some hours wherein the naked king and the +naked cobbler can scarce be distinguished from each other. + +“Had it not been, however, for my ingratitude to Bernard del Carpio, I +believe this would have been my last pilgrimage on earth; for, as to the +story of St. James, I thought Minos would have burst his sides at it; +but he was so displeased with me on the other account, that, with a +frown, he cried out, ‘Get thee back again, king.’ Nor would he suffer me +to say another word.” + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + + Julian passes into a fool. + +“The next visit I made to the world was performed in France, where I +was born in the court of Lewis III, and had afterwards the honor to be +preferred to be fool to the prince, who was surnamed Charles the Simple. +But, in reality, I know not whether I might so properly be said to have +acted the fool in his court as to have made fools of all others in it. +Certain it is, I was very far from being what is generally understood by +that word, being a most cunning, designing, arch knave. I knew very well +the folly of my master, and of many others, and how to make my advantage +of this knowledge. + +“I was as dear to Charles the Simple as the player Paris was to +Domitian, and, like him, bestowed all manner of offices and honors +on whom I pleased. This drew me a great number of followers among +the courtiers, who really mistook me for a fool, and yet flattered my +understanding. There was particularly in the court a fellow who had +neither honor, honesty, sense, wit, courage, beauty, nor indeed any one +good quality, either of mind or body, to recommend him; but was at the +same time, perhaps, as cunning a monster as ever lived. This gentleman +took it into his head to list under my banner, and pursued me so very +assiduously with flattery, constantly reminding me of my good sense, +that I grew immoderately fond of him; for though flattery is not most +judiciously applied to qualities which the persons flattered possess, +yet as, notwithstanding my being well assured of my own parts, I passed +in the whole court for a fool, this flattery was a very sweet morsel to +me. I therefore got this fellow preferred to a bishopric, but I lost my +flatterer by it; for he never afterwards said a civil thing to me. + +“I never balked my imagination for the grossness of the reflection on +the character of the greatest noble--nay, even the king himself; of +which I will give you a very bold instance. One day his simple majesty +told me he believed I had so much power that his people looked on me as +the king, and himself as my fool. + +“At this I pretended to be angry, as with an affront. ‘Why, how now?’ +says the king; ‘are you ashamed of being a king?’ ‘No, sir,’ says I, +‘but I am devilishly ashamed of my fool.’ + +“Herbert, earl of Vermandois, had by my means been restored to the favor +of the Simple (for so I used always to call Charles). He afterwards +prevailed with the king to take the city of Arras from earl Baldwin, by +which means, Herbert, in exchange for this city, had Peronne restored +to him by count Altmar. Baldwin came to court in order to procure +the restoration of his city; but, either through pride or ignorance, +neglected to apply to me. As I met him at court during his solicitation, +I told him he did not apply the right way; he answered roughly he should +not ask a fool’s advice. I replied I did not wonder at his prejudice, +since he had miscarried already by following a fool’s advice; but I told +him there were fools who had more interest than that he had brought with +him to court. He answered me surlily he had no fool with him, for that +he traveled alone. ‘Ay, my lord,’ says I, ‘I often travel alone, and yet +they will have it I always carry a fool with me.’ This raised a laugh +among the by-standers, on which he gave me a blow. I immediately +complained of this usage to the Simple, who dismissed the earl from +court with very hard words, instead of granting him the favor he +solicited. + +“I give you these rather as a specimen of my interest and impudence than +of my wit--indeed, my jests were commonly more admired than they ought +to be; for perhaps I was not in reality much more a wit than a fool. +But, with the latitude of unbounded scurrility, it is easy enough +to attain the character of wit, especially in a court, where, as all +persons hate and envy one another heartily, and are at the same time +obliged by the constrained behavior of civility to profess the greatest +liking, so it is, and must be, wonderfully pleasant to them to see the +follies of their acquaintance exposed by a third person. Besides, the +opinion of the court is as uniform as the fashion, and is always +guided by the will of the prince or of the favorite. I doubt not that +Caligula’s horse was universally held in his court to be a good and +able consul. In the same manner was I universally acknowledged to be the +wittiest fool in the world. Every word I said raised laughter, and +was held to be a jest, especially by the ladies, who sometimes laughed +before I had discovered my sentiment, and often repeated that as a jest +which I did not even intend as one. + +“I was as severe on the ladies as on the men, and with the same +impunity; but this at last cost me dear: for once having joked on the +beauty of a lady whose name was Adelaide, a favorite of the Simple’s, +she pretended to smile and be pleased at my wit with the rest of the +company; but in reality she highly resented it, and endeavored to +undermine me with the king. In which she so greatly succeeded (for what +cannot a favorite woman do with one who deserves the surname of Simple?) +that the king grew every day more reserved to me, and when I attempted +any freedom gave me such marks of his displeasure, that the courtiers +who have all hawks’ eyes at a slight from the sovereign, soon discerned +it: and indeed, had I been blind enough not to have discovered that I +had lost ground in the Simple’s favor by his own change in his carriage +towards me, I must have found it, nay even felt it, in the behavior of +the courtiers: for, as my company was two days before solicited with the +utmost eagerness, it was now rejected with as much scorn. I was now the +jest of the ushers and pages; and an officer of the guards, on whom I +was a little jocose, gave me a box on the ear, bidding me make free with +my equals. This very fellow had been my butt for many years, without +daring to lift his hand against me. + +“But though I visibly perceived the alteration in the Simple, I was +utterly unable to make any guess at the occasion. I had not the least +suspicion of Adelaide; for, besides her being a very good-humored woman, +I had often made severe jests on her reputation, which I had all the +reason imaginable to believe had given her no offense. But I soon +perceived that a woman will bear the most bitter censures on her morals +easier than the smallest reflection on her beauty; for she now declared +publicly, that I ought to be dismissed from court, as the stupidest of +fools, and one in whom there was no diversion; and that she wondered how +any person could have so little taste as to imagine I had any wit. +This speech was echoed through the drawing-room, and agreed to by all +present. Every one now put on an unusual gravity on their countenance +whenever I spoke; and it was as much out of my power to raise a laugh as +formerly it had been for me to open my mouth without one. + +“While my affairs were in this posture I went one day into the circle +without my fool’s dress. The Simple, who would still speak to me, cried +out, ‘So, fool, what’s the matter now?’ ‘Sir,’ answered I, ‘fools are +like to be so common a commodity at court, that I am weary of my coat.’ +‘How dost thou mean?’ answered the Simple; ‘what can make them commoner +now than usual?’--‘O, sir,’ said I, ‘there are ladies here make your +majesty a fool every day of their lives.’ The Simple took no notice +of my jest, and several present said my bones ought to be broke for my +impudence; but it pleased the queen, who, knowing Adelaide, whom she +hated, to be the cause of my disgrace, obtained me of the king, and took +me into her service; so that I was henceforth called the queen’s fool, +and in her court received the same honor, and had as much wit, as I had +formerly had in the king’s. But as the queen had really no power +unless over her own domestics, I was not treated in general with that +complacence, nor did I receive those bribes and presents, which had once +fallen to my share. + +“Nor did this confined respect continue long: for the queen, who had in +fact no taste for humor, soon grew sick of my foolery, and, forgetting +the cause for which she had taken me, neglected me so much, that her +court grew intolerable to my temper, and I broke my heart and died. + +“Minos laughed heartily at several things in my story, and then, telling +me no one played the fool in Elysium, bid me go back again.” + + + + +CHAPTER XIX + + Julian appears in the character of a beggar. + +“I now returned to Rome, and was born into a very poor and numerous +family, which, to be honest with you, procured its livelihood by +begging. This, if you was never yourself of the calling, you do not +know, I suppose, to be as regular a trade as any other; to have its +several rules and secrets, or mysteries, which to learn require perhaps +as tedious an apprenticeship as those of any craft whatever. + +“The first thing we are taught is the countenance miserable. This indeed +nature makes much easier to some than others; but there are none who +cannot accomplish it, if they begin early enough in youth, and before +the muscles are grown too stubborn. + +“The second thing is the voice lamentable. In this qualification too, +nature must have her share in producing the most consummate excellence: +however, art will here, as in every other instance, go a great way +with industry and application, even without the assistance of genius, +especially if the student begins young. + +“There are many other instructions, but these are the most considerable. +The women are taught one practice more than the men, for they are +instructed in the art of crying, that is, to have their tears ready on +all occasions: but this is attained very easily by most. Some indeed +arrive at the utmost perfection in this art with incredible facility. + +“No profession requires a deeper insight into human nature than the +beggar’s. Their knowledge of the passions of men is so extensive, that +I have often thought it would be of no little service to a politician +to have his education among them. Nay, there is a much greater analogy +between these two characters than is imagined; for both concur in their +first and grand principle, it being equally their business to delude and +impose on mankind. It must be confessed that they differ widely in the +degree of advantage which they make by their deceit; for, whereas the +beggar is contented with a little, the politician leaves but a little +behind. + +“A very great English philosopher hath remarked our policy, in taking +care never to address any one with a title inferior to what he really +claims. My father was of the same opinion; for I remember when I was a +boy, the pope happening to pass by, I tended him with ‘Pray, sir;’ ‘For +God’s sake, sir;’ ‘For the Lord’s sake, sir;’--To which he answered +gravely, ‘Sirrah, sirrah, you ought to be whipped for taking the Lord’s +name in vain;’ and in vain it was indeed, for he gave me nothing. My +father, overhearing this, took his advice, and whipped me very severely. +While I was under correction I promised often never to take the Lord’s +name in vain any more. My father then said, ‘Child, I do not whip you +for taking his name in vain; I whip you for not calling the pope his +holiness.’ + +“If all men were so wise and good to follow the clergy’s example, the +nuisance of beggars would soon be removed. I do not remember to have +been above twice relieved by them during my whole state of beggary. Once +was by a very well-looking man, who gave me a small piece of silver, and +declared he had given me more than he had left himself; the other was +by a spruce young fellow, who had that very day first put on his robes, +whom I attended with ‘Pray, reverend sir, good reverend sir, consider +your cloth.’ He answered, ‘I do, child, consider my office, and I hope +all our cloth do the same.’ He then threw down some money, and strutted +off with great dignity. + +“With the women I had one general formulary: ‘Sweet pretty lady,’ ‘God +bless your ladyship,’ ‘God bless your handsome face.’ This generally +succeeded; but I observed the uglier the woman was, the surer I was of +success. + +“It was a constant maxim among us, that the greater retinue any one +traveled with the less expectation we might promise ourselves from them; +but whenever we saw a vehicle with a single or no servant we imagined +our booty sure, and were seldom deceived. + +“We observed great difference introduced by time and circumstance in the +same person; for instance, a losing gamester is sometimes generous, but +from a winner you will as easily obtain his soul as a single groat. A +lawyer traveling from his country seat to his clients at Rome, and a +physician going to visit a patient, were always worth asking; but the +same on their return were (according to our cant phrase) untouchable. + +“The most general, and indeed the truest, maxim among us was, that those +who possessed the least were always the readiest to give. The chief art +of a beggar-man is, therefore, to discern the rich from the poor, which, +though it be only distinguishing substance from shadow, is by no +means attainable without a pretty good capacity and a vast degree of +attention; for these two are eternally industrious in endeavoring to +counterfeit each other. In this deceit the poor man is more heartily +in earnest to deceive you than the rich, who, amidst all the emblems +of poverty which he puts on, still permits some mark of his wealth to +strike the eye. Thus, while his apparel is not worth a groat, his finger +wears a ring of value, or his pocket a gold watch. In a word, he seems +rather to affect poverty to insult than impose on you. Now the poor man, +on the contrary, is very sincere in his desire of passing for rich; but +the eagerness of this desire hurries him to over-act his part, and he +betrays himself as one who is drunk by his overacted sobriety. Thus, +instead of being attended by one servant well mounted, he will have two; +and, not being able to purchase or maintain a second horse of value, +one of his servants at least is mounted on a hired rascallion. He is +not contented to go plain and neat in his clothes; he therefore claps on +some tawdry ornament, and what he adds to the fineness of his vestment +he detracts from the fineness of his linen. Without descending into more +minute particulars, I believe I may assert it as an axiom of indubitable +truth, that whoever shows you he is either in himself or his equipage +as gaudy as he can, convinces you he is more so than he can afford. Now, +whenever a man’s expense exceeds his income, he is indifferent in the +degree; we had therefore nothing more to do with such than to flatter +them with their wealth and splendor, and were always certain of success. + +“There is, indeed, one kind of rich man who is commonly more liberal, +namely, where riches surprise him, as it were, in the midst of poverty +and distress, the consequence of which is, I own, sometimes excessive +avarice, but oftener extreme prodigality. I remember one of these who, +having received a pretty large sum of money, gave me, when I begged +an obolus, a whole talent; on which his friend having reproved him, he +answered, with an oath, ‘Why not? Have I not fifty left?’ + +“The life of a beggar, if men estimated things by their real essence, +and not by their outward false appearance, would be, perhaps, a more +desirable situation than any of those which ambition persuades us, with +such difficulty, danger, and often villainy, to aspire to. The wants of +a beggar are commonly as chimerical as the abundance of a nobleman; +for besides vanity, which a judicious beggar will always apply to with +wonderful efficacy, there are in reality very few natures so hardened as +not to compassionate poverty and distress, when the predominancy of some +other passion doth not prevent them. + +“There is one happiness which attends money got with ease, namely, that +it is never hoarded; otherwise, as we have frequent opportunities of +growing rich, that canker care might prey upon our quiet, as it doth on +others; but our money stock we spend as fast as we acquire it; usually +at least, for I speak not without exception; thus it gives us mirth +only, and no trouble. Indeed, the luxury of our lives might introduce +diseases, did not our daily exercise prevent them. This gives us an +appetite and relish for our dainties, and at the same time an antidote +against the evil effects which sloth, united with luxury, induces on the +habit of a human body. Our women we enjoy with ecstasies at least equal +to what the greatest men feel in their embraces. I can, I am assured, +say of myself, that no mortal could reap more perfect happiness from +the tender passion than my fortune had decreed me. I married a charming +young woman for love; she was the daughter of a neighboring beggar, who, +with an improvidence too often seen, spent a very large income which he +procured by his profession, so that he was able to give her no +fortune down; however, at his death he left her a very well accustomed +begging-hut, situated on the side of a steep hill, where travelers +could not immediately escape from us, and a garden adjoining, being the +twenty-eighth part of an acre, well planted. + +“She made the best of wives, bore me nineteen children, and never failed, +unless on her lying-in, which generally lasted three days, to get +my supper ready against my return home in an evening; this being my +favorite meal, and at which I, as well as my whole family, greatly +enjoyed ourselves; the principal subject of our discourse being +generally the boons we had that day obtained, on which occasions, +laughing at the folly of the donors made no inconsiderable part of +the entertainment; for, whatever might be their motive for giving, we +constantly imputed our success to our having flattered their vanity, or +overreached their understanding. + +“But perhaps I have dwelt too long on this character; I shall conclude, +therefore, with telling you that after a life of 102 years’ continuance, +during all which I had never known any sickness or infirmity but that +which old age necessarily induced, I at last, without the least pain, +went out like the snuff of a candle. + +“Minos, having heard my history, bid me compute, if I could, how +many lies I had told in my life. As we are here, by a certain fated +necessity, obliged to confine ourselves to truth, I answered, I believed +about 50,000,000. He then replied, with a frown, ‘Can such a wretch +conceive any hopes of entering Elysium?’ I immediately turned about, +and, upon the whole, was rejoiced at his not calling me back.” + + + + +CHAPTER XX + + Julian performs the part of a statesman. + +“It was now my fortune to be born of a German princess; but a +man-midwife, pulling my head off in delivering my mother, put a speedy +end to my princely life. + +“Spirits who end their lives before they are at the age of five years +are immediately ordered into other bodies; and it was now my fortune +to perform several infancies before I could again entitle myself to an +examination of Minos. + +“At length I was destined once more to play a considerable part on the +stage. I was born in England, in the reign of Ethelred II. My father’s +name was Ulnoth: he was earl or thane of Sussex. I was afterwards known +by the name of earl Goodwin, and began to make a considerable figure +in the world in the time of Harold Harefoot, whom I procured to be made +king of Wessex, or the West Saxons, in prejudice of Hardicanute, whose +mother Emma endeavored afterwards to set another of her sons on the +throne; but I circumvented her, and, communicating her design to the +king, at the same time acquainted him with a project which I had formed +for the murder of these two young princes. Emma had sent for these her +sons from Normandy, with the king’s leave, whom she had deceived by her +religious behavior, and pretended neglect of all worldly affairs; but I +prevailed with Harold to invite these princes to his court, and put +them to death. The prudent mother sent only Alfred, retaining Edward +to herself, as she suspected my ill designs, and thought I should not +venture to execute them on one of her sons, while she secured the other; +but she was deceived, for I had no sooner Alfred in my possession than +I caused him to be conducted to Ely, where I ordered his eyes to be put +out, and afterwards to be confined in a monastery. + +“This was one of those cruel expedients which great men satisfy +themselves well in executing, by concluding them to be necessary to the +service of their prince, who is the support of their ambition. + +“Edward, the other son of Emma, escaped again to Normandy; whence, after +the death of Harold and Hardicanute, he made no scruple of applying to +my protection and favor, though he had before prosecuted me with all the +vengeance he was able, for the murder of his brother; but in all great +affairs private relation must yield to public interest. Having therefore +concluded very advantageous terms for myself with him, I made no scruple +of patronizing his cause, and soon placed him on the throne. Nor did I +conceive the least apprehension from his resentment, as I knew my power +was too great for him to encounter. + +“Among other stipulated conditions, one was to marry my daughter Editha. +This Edward consented to with great reluctance, and I had afterwards +no reason to be pleased with it; for it raised her, who had been my +favorite child, to such an opinion of greatness, that, instead of paying +me the usual respect, she frequently threw in my teeth (as often at +least as I gave her any admonition), that she was now a queen, and +that the character and title of father merged in that of subject. This +behavior, however, did not cure me of my affection towards her, nor +lessen the uneasiness which I afterwards bore on Edward’s dismissing her +from his bed. + +“One thing which principally induced me to labor the promotion of Edward +was the simplicity or weakness of that prince, under whom I promised +myself absolute dominion under another name. Nor did this opinion +deceive me; for, during his whole reign, my administration was in the +highest degree despotic: I had everything of royalty but the outward +ensigns; no man ever applying for a place, or any kind of preferment, +but to me only. A circumstance which, as it greatly enriched my coffers, +so it no less pampered my ambition, and satisfied my vanity with a +numerous attendance; and I had the pleasure of seeing those who only +bowed to the king prostrating themselves before me. + +“Edward the Confessor, or St. Edward, as some have called him, in +derision I suppose, being a very silly fellow, had all the faults +incident, and almost inseparable, to fools. He married my daughter +Editha from his fear of disobliging me; and afterwards, out of hatred to +me, refused even to consummate his marriage, though she was one of the +most beautiful women of her age. He was likewise guilty of the basest +ingratitude to his mother (a vice to which fools are chiefly, if not +only, liable); and, in return for her endeavors to procure him a throne +in his youth, confined her in a loathsome prison in her old age. +This, it is true, he did by my advice; but as to her walking over nine +plowshares red-hot, and giving nine manors, when she had not one in her +possession, there is not a syllable of veracity in it. + +“The first great perplexity I fell into was on the account of my son +Swane, who had deflowered the abbess of Leon, since called Leominster, +in Herefordshire. After this fact he retired into Denmark, whence he +sent to me to obtain his pardon. The king at first refused it, being +moved thereto, as I afterwards found, by some churchmen, particularly by +one of his chaplains, whom I had prevented from obtaining a bishopric. +Upon this my son Swane invaded the coasts with several ships, and +committed many outrageous cruelties; which, indeed, did his business, as +they served me to apply to the fear of this king, which I had long +since discovered to be his predominant passion. And, at last, he who had +refused pardon to his first offense submitted to give it him after he +had committed many other more monstrous crimes; by which his pardon lost +all grace to the offended, and received double censure from all others. + +“The king was greatly inclined to the Normans, had created a Norman +archbishop of Canterbury, and had heaped extraordinary favors on him. +I had no other objection to this man than that he rose without my +assistance; a cause of dislike which, in the reign of great and powerful +favorites, hath often proved fatal to the persons who have given it, +as the persons thus raised inspire us constantly with jealousies and +apprehensions. For when we promote any one ourselves, we take effectual +care to preserve such an ascendant over him, that we can at any time +reduce him to his former degree, should he dare to act in opposition to +our wills; for which reason we never suffer any to come near the +prince but such as we are assured it is impossible should be capable of +engaging or improving his affection; no prime minister, as I apprehend, +esteeming himself to be safe while any other shares the ear of his +prince, of whom we are as jealous as the fondest husband can be of his +wife. Whoever, therefore, can approach him by any other channel than +that of ourselves, is, in our opinion, a declared enemy, and one whom +the first principles of policy oblige us to demolish with the utmost +expedition. For the affection of kings is as precarious as that of +women, and the only way to secure either to ourselves is to keep all +others from them. + +“But the archbishop did not let matters rest on suspicion. He soon gave +open proofs of his interest with the Confessor in procuring an office +of some importance for one Rollo, a Roman of mean extraction and very +despicable parts. When I represented to the king the indecency of +conferring such an honor on such a fellow, he answered me that he was +the archbishop’s relation. ‘Then, sir,’ replied I, ‘he is related to +your enemy.’ Nothing more passed at that time; but I soon perceived, +by the archbishop’s behavior, that the king had acquainted him with our +private discourse; a sufficient assurance of his confidence in him and +neglect of me. + +“The favor of princes, when once lost, is recoverable only by the +gaining a situation which may make you terrible to them. As I had no +doubt of having lost all credit with this king, which indeed had been +originally founded and constantly supported by his fear, so I took the +method of terror to regain it. + +“The earl of Boulogne coming over to visit the king gave me an +opportunity of breaking out into open opposition; for, as the earl was +on his return to France, one of his servants, who was sent before to +procure lodgings at Dover, and insisted on having them in the house of a +private man in spite of the owner’s teeth, was, in a fray which ensued, +killed on the spot; and the earl himself, arriving there soon after, +very narrowly escaped with his life. The earl, enraged at this affront, +returned to the king at Gloucester with loud complaints and demands +of satisfaction. Edward consented to his demands, and ordered me to +chastise the rioters, who were under my government as earl of Kent: but, +instead of obeying these orders, I answered, with some warmth, that the +English were not used to punish people unheard, nor ought their +rights and privileges to be violated; that the accused should be first +summoned--if guilty, should make satisfaction both with body and estate, +but, if innocent, should be discharged. Adding, with great ferocity, +that as earl of Kent it was my duty to protect those under my government +against the insults of foreigners. + +“This accident was extremely lucky, as it gave my quarrel with the king +a popular color, and so ingratiated me with the people, that when I +set up my standard, which I soon after did, they readily and cheerfully +listed under my banners and embraced my cause, which I persuaded them +was their own; for that it was to protect them against foreigners that +I had drawn my sword. The word foreigners with an Englishman hath a kind +of magical effect, they having the utmost hatred and aversion to them, +arising from the cruelties they suffered from the Danes and some other +foreign nations. No wonder therefore they espoused my cause in a quarrel +which had such a beginning. + +“But what may be somewhat more remarkable is, that when I afterwards +returned to England from banishment, and was at the head of an army of +the Flemish, who were preparing to plunder the city of London, I still +persisted that I was come to defend the English from the danger of +foreigners, and gained their credit. Indeed, there is no lie so gross +but it may be imposed on the people by those whom they esteem their +patrons and defenders. + +“The king saved his city by being reconciled to me, and taking again my +daughter, whom he had put away from him; and thus, having frightened +the king into what concessions I thought proper, I dismissed my army and +fleet, with which I intended, could I not have succeeded otherwise, to +have sacked the city of London and ravaged the whole country. + +“I was no sooner re-established in the king’s favor, or, what was +as well for me, the appearance of it, than I fell violently on the +archbishop. He had of himself retired to his monastery in Normandy; but +that did not content me: I had him formally banished, the see declared +vacant, and then filled up by another. + +“I enjoyed my grandeur a very short time after my restoration to it; for +the king, hating and fearing me to a very great degree, and finding no +means of openly destroying me, at last effected his purpose by poison, +and then spread abroad a ridiculous story, of my wishing the next +morsel might choke me if I had had any hand in the death of Alfred; and, +accordingly, that the next morsel, by a divine judgment, stuck in my +throat and performed that office. + +“This of a statesman was one of my worst stages in the other world. It +is a post subjected daily to the greatest danger and inquietude, and +attended with little pleasure and less ease. In a word, it is a pill +which, was it not gilded over by ambition, would appear nauseous and +detestable in the eye of every one; and perhaps that is one reason why +Minos so greatly compassionates the case of those who swallow it: for +that just judge told me he always acquitted a prime minister who could +produce one single good action in his whole life, let him have committed +ever so many crimes. Indeed, I understood him a little too largely, +and was stepping towards the gate; but he pulled me by the sleeve, and, +telling me no prime minister ever entered there, bid me go back again; +saying, he thought I had sufficient reason to rejoice in my escaping +the bottomless pit, which half my crimes committed in any other capacity +would have entitled me to.” + + + + +CHAPTER XXI + + Julian’s adventures in the post of a soldier. + +“I was born at Caen, in Normandy. My mother’s name was Matilda; as for +my father, I am not so certain, for the good woman on her death-bed +assured me she herself could bring her guess to no greater certainty +than to five of duke William’s captains. When I was no more than +thirteen (being indeed a surprising stout boy of my age) I enlisted into +the army of duke William, afterwards known by the name of William the +Conqueror, landed with him at Pemesey or Pemsey, in Sussex, and was +present at the famous battle of Hastings. + +“At the first onset it was impossible to describe my consternation, +which was heightened by the fall of two soldiers who stood by me; but +this soon abated, and by degrees, as my blood grew warm, I thought no +more of my own safety, but fell on the enemy with great fury, and did a +good deal of execution; till, unhappily, I received a wound in my thigh, +which rendered me unable to stand any longer, so that I now lay among +the dead, and was constantly exposed to the danger of being trampled to +death, as well by my fellow-soldiers as by the enemy. However, I had the +fortune to escape it, and continued the remaining part of the day and +the night following on the ground. + +“The next morning, the duke sending out parties to bring off the +wounded, I was found almost expiring with loss of blood; notwithstanding +which, as immediate care was taken to dress my wounds, youth and a +robust constitution stood my friends, and I recovered after a long and +tedious indisposition, and was again able to use my limbs and do my +duty. + +“As soon as Dover was taken I was conveyed thither with all the rest of +the sick and wounded. Here I recovered of my wound; but fell afterwards +into a violent flux, which, when it departed, left me so weak that it +was long before I could regain my strength. And what most afflicted me +was, that during my whole illness, when I languished under want as well +as sickness, I had daily the mortification to see and hear the riots +and excess of my fellow-soldiers, who had happily escaped safe from the +battle. + +“I was no sooner well than I was ordered into garrison at Dover Castle. +The officers here fared very indifferently, but the private men much +worse. We had great scarcity of provisions, and, what was yet more +intolerable, were so closely confined for want of room (four of us being +obliged to lie on the same bundle of straw), that many died, and most +sickened. + +“Here I had remained about four months, when one night we were alarmed +with the arrival of the earl of Boulogne, who had come over privily +from France, and endeavored to surprise the castle. The design proved +ineffectual; for the garrison making a brisk sally, most of his men +were tumbled down the precipice, and he returned with a very few back to +France. In this action, however, I had the misfortune to come off with a +broken arm; it was so shattered, that, besides a great deal of pain and +misery which I endured in my cure, I was disabled for upwards of three +months. + +“Soon after my recovery I had contracted an amour with a young +woman whose parents lived near the garrison, and were in much better +circumstances than I had reason to expect should give their consent to +the match. However, as she was extremely fond of me (as I was indeed +distractedly enamored of her), they were prevailed on to comply with her +desires, and the day was fixed for our marriage. + +“On the evening preceding, while I was exulting with the eager +expectation of the happiness I was the next day to enjoy, I received +orders to march early in the morning towards Windsor, where a large army +was to be formed, at the head of which the king intended to march into +the west. Any person who hath ever been in love may easily imagine what +I felt in my mind on receiving those orders; and what still heightened +my torments was, that the commanding officer would not permit any one +to go out of the garrison that evening; so that I had not even an +opportunity of taking leave of my beloved. + +“The morning came which was to have put me in the possession of my +wishes; but, alas! the scene was now changed, and all the hopes which I +had raised were now so many ghosts to haunt, and furies to torment me. + +“It was now the midst of winter, and very severe weather for the season; +when we were obliged to make very long and fatiguing marches, in which +we suffered all the inconveniences of cold and hunger. The night in +which I expected to riot in the arms of my beloved mistress I was +obliged to take up with a lodging on the ground, exposed to the +inclemencies of a rigid frost; nor could I obtain the least comfort of +sleep, which shunned me as its enemy. + +“In short, the horrors of that night are not to be described, or perhaps +imagined. They made such an impression on my soul, that I was forced to +be dipped three times in the river Lethe to prevent my remembering it in +the characters which I afterwards performed in the flesh.” + +Here I interrupted Julian for the first time, and told him no such +dipping had happened to me in my voyage from one world to the other: +but he satisfied me by saying “that this only happened to those spirits +which returned into the flesh, in order to prevent that reminiscence +which Plato mentions, and which would otherwise cause great confusion in +the other world.” + +He then proceeded as follows: “We continued a very laborious march to +Exeter, which we were ordered to besiege. The town soon surrendered, and +his majesty built a castle there, which he garrisoned with his Normans, +and unhappily I had the misfortune to be one of the number. + +“Here we were confined closer than I had been at Dover; for, as the +citizens were extremely disaffected, we were never suffered to go +without the walls of the castle; nor indeed could we, unless in large +bodies, without the utmost danger. We were likewise kept to continual +duty, nor could any solicitations prevail with the commanding officer +to give me a month’s absence to visit my love, from whom I had no +opportunity of hearing in all my long absence. + +“However, in the spring, the people being more quiet, and another +officer of a gentler temper succeeding to the principal command, I +obtained leave to go to Dover; but alas! what comfort did my long +journey bring me? I found the parents of my darling in the utmost misery +at her loss; for she had died, about a week before my arrival, of a +consumption, which they imputed to her pining at my sudden departure. + +“I now fell into the most violent and almost raving fit of despair. I +cursed myself, the king, and the whole world, which no longer seemed +to have any delight for me. I threw myself on the grave of my deceased +love, and lay there without any kind of sustenance for two whole days. +At last hunger, together with the persuasions of some people who took +pity on me, prevailed with me to quit that situation, and refresh myself +with food. They then persuaded me to return to my post, and abandon a +place where almost every object I saw recalled ideas to my mind which, +as they said, I should endeavor with my utmost force to expel from it. +This advice at length succeeded; the rather, as the father and mother of +my beloved refused to see me, looking on me as the innocent but certain +cause of the death of their only child. + +“The loss of one we tenderly love, as it is one of the most bitter and +biting evils which attend human life, so it wants the lenitive which +palliates and softens every other calamity; I mean that great reliever, +hope. No man can be so totally undone, but that he may still cherish +expectation: but this deprives us of all such comfort, nor can anything +but time alone lessen it. This, however, in most minds, is sure to +work a slow but effectual remedy; so did it in mine: for within a +twelve-month I was entirely reconciled to my fortune, and soon after +absolutely forgot the object of a passion from which I had promised +myself such extreme happiness, and in the disappointment of which I had +experienced such inconceivable misery. + +“At the expiration of the month I returned to my garrison at Exeter; +where I was no sooner arrived than I was ordered to march into the +north, to oppose a force there levied by the earls of Chester and +Northumberland. We came to York, where his majesty pardoned the heads of +the rebels, and very severely punished some who were less guilty. It was +particularly my lot to be ordered to seize a poor man who had never been +out of his house, and convey him to prison. I detested this barbarity, +yet was obliged to execute it; nay, though no reward would have bribed +me in a private capacity to have acted such a part, yet so much sanctity +is there in the commands of a monarch or general to a soldier, that +I performed it without reluctance, nor had the tears of his wife and +family any prevalence with me. + +“But this, which was a very small piece of mischief in comparison with +many of my barbarities afterwards, was however, the only one which +ever gave me any uneasiness; for when the king led us afterwards into +Northumberland to revenge those people’s having joined with Osborne the +Dane in his invasion, and orders were given us to commit what ravages +we could, I was forward in fulfilling them, and, among some lesser +cruelties (I remember it yet with sorrow), I ravished a woman, murdered +a little infant playing in her lap, and then burned her house. In short, +for I have no pleasure in this part of my relation, I had my share +in all the cruelties exercised on those poor wretches; which were so +grievous, that for sixty miles together, between York and Durham, not a +single house, church, or any other public or private edifice, was left +standing. + +“We had pretty well devoured the country, when we were ordered to march +to the Isle of Ely, to oppose Hereward, a bold and stout soldier, who +had under him a very large body of rebels, who had the impudence to rise +against their king and conqueror (I talk now in the same style I did +then) in defense of their liberties, as they called them. These were +soon subdued; but as I happened (more to my glory than my comfort) to +be posted in that part through which Hereward cut his way, I received +a dreadful cut on the forehead, a second on the shoulder, and was run +through the body with a pike. + +“I languished a long time with these wounds, which made me incapable of +attending the king into Scotland. However, I was able to go over with +him afterwards into Normandy, in his expedition against Philip, who +had taken the opportunity of the troubles in England to invade that +province. Those few Normans who bad survived their wounds, and had +remained in the Isle of Ely, were all of our nation who went, the rest +of his army being all composed of English. In a skirmish near the town +of Mans my leg was broke and so shattered that it was forced to be cut +off. + +“I was now disabled from serving longer in the army; and accordingly, +being discharged from the service, I retired to the place of my +nativity, where, in extreme poverty, and frequent bad health from the +many wounds I had received, I dragged on a miserable life to the age of +sixty-three; my only pleasure being to recount the feats of my youth, in +which narratives I generally exceeded the truth. + +“It would be tedious and unpleasant to recount to you the several +miseries I suffered after my return to Caen; let it suffice, they +were so terrible that they induced Minos to compassionate me, and, +notwithstanding the barbarities I had been guilty of in Northumberland, +to suffer me to go once more back to earth.” + + + + +CHAPTER XXII + + What happened to Julian in the person of a tailor. + +“Fortune now stationed me in a character which the ingratitude of +mankind hath put them on ridiculing, though they owe to it not only a +relief from the inclemencies of cold, to which they would otherwise be +exposed, but likewise a considerable satisfaction of their vanity. The +character I mean was that of a tailor; which, if we consider it with due +attention, must be confessed to have in it great dignity and importance. +For, in reality, who constitutes the different degrees between men but +the tailor? the prince indeed gives the title, but it is the tailor who +makes the man. To his labors are owing the respect of crowds, and the +awe which great men inspire into their beholders, though these are too +often unjustly attributed to other motives. Lastly, the admiration of +the fair is most commonly to be placed to his account. + +“I was just set up in my trade when I made three suits of fine clothes +for king Stephen’s coronation. I question whether the person who wears +the rich coat hath so much pleasure and vanity in being admired in it, +as we tailors have from that admiration; and perhaps a philosopher +would say he is not so well entitled to it. I bustled on the day of the +ceremony through the crowd, and it was with incredible delight I heard +several say, as my clothes walked by, ‘Bless me, was ever anything so +fine as the earl of Devonshire? Sure he and Sir Hugh Bigot are the two +best dressed men I ever saw.’ Now both those suits were of my making. + +“There would indeed be infinite pleasure in working for the courtiers, +as they are generally genteel men, and show one’s clothes to the best +advantage, was it not for one small discouragement; this is, that they +never pay. I solemnly protest, though I lost almost as much by the court +in my life as I got by the city, I never carried a suit into the latter +with half the satisfaction which I have done to the former; though from +that I was certain of ready money, and from this almost as certain of no +money at all. + +“Courtiers may, however, be divided into two sorts, very essentially +different from each other; into those who never intend to pay for their +clothes; and those who do intend to pay for them, but never happen to be +able. Of the latter sort are many of those young gentlemen whom we equip +out for the army, and who are, unhappily for us, cut off before they +arrive at preferment. This is the reason that tailors, in time of war, +are mistaken for politicians by their inquisitiveness into the event of +battles, one campaign very often proving the ruin of half-a-dozen of us. +I am sure I had frequent reason to curse that fatal battle of Cardigan, +where the Welsh defeated some of king Stephen’s best troops, and where +many a good suit of mine unpaid for, fell to the ground. + +“The gentlemen of this honorable calling have fared much better in later +ages than when I was of it; for now it seems the fashion is, when they +apprehend their customer is not in the best circumstances, if they are +not paid as soon as they carry home the suit, they charge him in their +book as much again as it is worth, and then send a gentleman with a +small scrip of parchment to demand the money. If this be not immediately +paid the gentleman takes the beau with him to his house, where he locks +him up till the tailor is contented: but in my time these scrips of +parchment were not in use; and if the beau disliked paying for his +clothes, as very often happened, we had no method of compelling him. + +“In several of the characters which I have related to you, I apprehend I +have sometimes forgot myself, and considered myself as really interested +as I was when I personated them on earth. I have just now caught myself +in the fact; for I have complained to you as bitterly of my customers +as I formerly used to do when I was the tailor: but in reality, though +there were some few persons of very great quality, and some others, who +never paid their debts, yet those were but a few, and I had a method of +repairing this loss. My customers I divided under three heads: those who +paid ready money, those who paid slow, and those who never paid at all. +The first of these I considered apart by themselves, as persons by whom +I got a certain but small profit. The two last I lumped together, making +those who paid slow contribute to repair my losses by those who did not +pay at all. Thus, upon the whole, I was a very inconsiderable loser, and +might have left a fortune to my family, had I not launched forth into +expenses which swallowed up all my gains. I had a wife and two children. +These indeed I kept frugally enough, for I half starved them; but I kept +a mistress in a finer way, for whom I had a country-house, pleasantly +situated on the Thames, elegantly fitted up and neatly furnished. +This woman might very properly be called my mistress, for she was most +absolutely so; and though her tenure was no higher than by my will, +she domineered as tyrannically as if my chains had been riveted in the +strongest manner. To all this I submitted, not through any adoration of +her beauty, which was indeed but indifferent. Her charms consisted in +little wantonnesses, which she knew admirably well to use in hours of +dalliance, and which, I believe, are of all things the most delightful +to a lover. + +“She was so profusely extravagant, that it seemed as if she had an +actual intent to ruin me. This I am sure of, if such had been her real +intention, she could have taken no properer way to accomplish it; nay, +I myself might appear to have had the same view: for, besides this +extravagant mistress and my country-house, I kept likewise a brace of +hunters, rather for that it was fashionable so to do than for any great +delight I took in the sport, which I very little attended; not for want +of leisure, for few noblemen had so much. All the work I ever did was +taking measure, and that only of my greatest and best customers. I scare +ever cut a piece of cloth in my life, nor was indeed much more able to +fashion a coat than any gentleman in the kingdom. This made a skillful +servant too necessary to me. He knew I must submit to any terms with, or +any treatment from, him. + +“He knew it was easier for him to find another such a tailor as me +than for me to procure such another workman as him: for this reason he +exerted the most notorious and cruel tyranny, seldom giving me a civil +word; nor could the utmost condescension on my side, though attended +with continual presents and rewards, and raising his wages, content or +please him. In a word, he was as absolutely my master as was ever an +ambitious, industrious prime minister over an indolent and voluptuous +king. All my other journeymen paid more respect to him than to me; for +they considered my favor as a necessary consequence of obtaining his. + +“These were the most remarkable occurrences while I acted this part. +Minos hesitated a few moments, and then bid me get back again, without +assigning any reason.” + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + + The life of alderman Julian. + +“I now revisited England, and was born at London. My father was one of +the magistrates of that city. He had eleven children, of whom I was the +eldest. He had great success in trade, and grew extremely rich, but the +largeness of his family rendered it impossible for him to leave me +a fortune sufficient to live well on independent of business. I was +accordingly brought up to be a fishmonger, in which capacity I myself +afterwards acquired very considerable wealth. + +“The same disposition of mind which in princes is called ambition is in +subjects named faction. To this temper I was greatly addicted from my +youth. I was, while a boy, a great partisan of prince John’s against his +brother Richard, during the latter’s absence in the holy war and in his +captivity. I was no more than one-and-twenty when I first began to make +political speeches in public, and to endeavor to foment disquietude and +discontent in the city. As I was pretty well qualified for this office, +by a great fluency of words, an harmonious accent, a graceful delivery, +and above all an invincible assurance, I had soon acquired some +reputation among the younger citizens, and some of the weaker and more +inconsiderate of a riper age. This, co-operating with my own natural +vanity, made me extravagantly proud and supercilious. I soon began to +esteem myself a man of some consequence, and to overlook persons every +way my superiors. + +“The famous Robin Hood, and his companion Little John, at this time made +a considerable figure in Yorkshire. I took upon me to write a letter +to the former, in the name of the city, inviting him to come to London, +where I assured him of very good reception, signifying to him my own +great weight and consequence, and how much I had disposed the citizens +in his favor. Whether he received this letter or no I am not certain; +but he never gave me any answer to it. + +“A little afterwards one William Fitz-Osborn, or, as he was nicknamed, +William Long-Beard, began to make a figure in the city. He was a bold +and an impudent fellow, and had raised himself to great popularity with +the rabble, by pretending to espouse their cause against the rich. I +took this man’s part, and made a public oration in his favor, setting +him forth as a patriot, and one who had embarked in the cause +of liberty: for which service he did not receive me with the +acknowledgments I expected. However, as I thought I should easily gain +the ascendant over this fellow, I continued still firm on his side, till +the archbishop of Canterbury, with an armed force, put an end to his +progress: for he was seized in Bowchurch, where he had taken refuge, and +with nine of his accomplices hanged in chains. + +“I escaped narrowly myself; for I was seized in the same church with the +rest, and, as I had been very considerably engaged in the enterprise, +the archbishop was inclined to make me an example; but my father’s +merit, who had advanced a considerable sum to queen Eleanor towards the +king’s ransom, preserved me. + +“The consternation my danger had occasioned kept me some time quiet, and +I applied myself very assiduously to my trade. I invented all manner +of methods to enhance the price of fish, and made use of my utmost +endeavors to engross as much of the business as possible in my own +hands. By these means I acquired a substance which raised me to some +little consequence in the city, but far from elevating me to that degree +which I had formerly flattered myself with possessing at a time when +I was totally insignificant; for, in a trading society, money must at +least lay the foundation of all power and interest. + +“But as it hath been remarked that the same ambition which sent +Alexander into Asia brings the wrestler on the green; and as this same +ambition is as incapable as quicksilver of lying still; so I, who was +possessed perhaps of a share equal to what hath fired the blood of any +of the heroes of antiquity, was no less restless and discontented +with ease and quiet. My first endeavors were to make myself head of +my company, which Richard I had just published, and soon afterwards I +procured myself to be chosen alderman. + +“Opposition is the only state which can give a subject an opportunity of +exerting the disposition I was possessed of. Accordingly, king John +was no sooner seated on his throne than I began to oppose his measures, +whether right or wrong. It is true that monarch had faults enow. He was +so abandoned to lust and luxury, that he addicted himself to the most +extravagant excesses in both, while he indolently suffered the king of +France to rob him of almost all his foreign dominions: my opposition +therefore was justifiable enough, and if my motive from within had been +as good as the occasion from without I should have had little to excuse; +but, in truth, I sought nothing but my own preferment, by making myself +formidable to the king, and then selling to him the interest of that +party by whose means I had become so. Indeed, had the public good been +my care, however zealously I might have opposed the beginning of his +reign, I should not have scrupled to lend him my utmost assistance in +this struggle between him and pope Innocent the third, in which he was +so manifestly in the right; nor have suffered the insolence of that +pope, and the power of the king of France, to have compelled him in +the issue, basely to resign his crown into the hands of the former, and +receive it again as a vassal; by means of which acknowledgment the pope +afterwards claimed this kingdom as a tributary fief to be held of +the papal chair; a claim which occasioned great uneasiness to many +subsequent princes, and brought numberless calamities on the nation. + +“As the king had, among other concessions, stipulated to pay an +immediate sum of money to Pandulph, which he had great difficulty to +raise, it was absolutely necessary for him to apply to the city, where +my interest and popularity were so high that he had no hopes without my +assistance. As I knew this, I took care to sell myself and country +as high as possible. The terms I demanded, therefore, were a place, a +pension, and a knighthood. All those were immediately consented to. I +was forthwith knighted, and promised the other two. + +“I now mounted the hustings, and, without any regard to decency or +modesty, made as emphatical a speech in favor of the king as before +I had done against him. In this speech I justified all those measures +which I had before condemned, and pleaded as earnestly with my +fellow-citizens to open their purses, as I had formerly done to prevail +with them to keep them shut. But, alas! my rhetoric had not the effect +I proposed. The consequence of my arguments was only contempt to +myself. The people at first stared on one another, and afterwards began +unanimously to express their dislike. An impudent fellow among +them, reflecting on my trade, cried out, ‘Stinking fish;’ which was +immediately reiterated through the whole crowd. I was then forced to +slink away home; but I was not able to accomplish my retreat without +being attended by the mob, who huzza’d me along the street with the +repeated cries of ‘Stinking fish.’ + +“I now proceeded to court, to inform his majesty of my faithful service, +and how much I had suffered in his cause. I found by my first reception +he had already heard of my success. Instead of thanking me for my +speech, he said the city should repent of their obstinacy, for that he +would show them who he was: and so saying, he immediately turned that +part to me to which the toe of man hath so wonderful an affection, that +it is very difficult, whenever it presents itself conveniently, to keep +our toes from the most violent and ardent salutation of it. + +“I was a little nettled at this behavior, and with some earnestness +claimed the king’s fulfilling his promise; but he retired without +answering me. I then applied to some of the courtiers, who had lately +professed great friendship to me, had eat at my house, and invited me to +theirs: but not one would return me any answer, all running away from me +as if I had been seized with some contagious distemper. I now found by +experience, that as none can be so civil, so none can be ruder than a +courtier. + +“A few moments after the king’s retiring I was left alone in the room to +consider what I should do or whither I should turn myself. My reception +in the city promised itself to be equal at least with what I found at +court. However, there was my home, and thither it was necessary I should +retreat for the present. + +“But, indeed, bad as I apprehended my treatment in the city would be, +it exceeded my expectation. I rode home on an ambling pad through crowds +who expressed every kind of disregard and contempt; pelting me not +only with the most abusive language, but with dirt. However, with much +difficulty I arrived at last at my own house, with my bones whole, but +covered over with filth. + +“When I was got within my doors, and had shut them against the mob, who +had pretty well vented their spleen, and seemed now contented to retire, +my wife, whom I found crying over her children, and from whom I +had hoped some comfort in my afflictions, fell upon me in the most +outrageous manner. She asked me why I would venture on such a step, +without consulting her; she said her advice might have been civilly +asked, if I was resolved not to have been guided by it. That, whatever +opinion I might have conceived of her understanding, the rest of the +world thought better of it. That I had never failed when I had asked +her counsel, nor ever succeeded without it;--with much more of the +same kind, too tedious to mention; concluding that it was a monstrous +behavior to desert my party and come over to the court. + +“An abuse which I took worse than all the rest, as she had been +constantly for several years assiduous in railing at the opposition, +in siding with the court-party, and begging me to come over to it; and +especially after my mentioning the offer of knighthood to her, since +which time she had continually interrupted my repose with dinning in +my ears the folly of refusing honors and of adhering to a party and to +principles by which I was certain of procuring no advantage to myself +and my family. + +“I had now entirely lost my trade, so that I had not the least +temptation to stay longer in a city where I was certain of receiving +daily affronts and rebukes. I therefore made up my affairs with the +utmost expedition, and, scraping together all I could, retired into the +country, where I spent the remainder of my days in universal contempt, +being shunned by everybody, perpetually abused by my wife, and not much +respected by my children. + +“Minos told me, though I had been a very vile fellow, he thought my +sufferings made some atonement, and so bid me take the other trial.” + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV + + Julian recounts what happened to him while he was a poet. + +“Rome was now the seat of my nativity, where I was born of a family more +remarkable for honor than riches. I was intended for the church, and +had a pretty good education; but my father dying while I was young, and +leaving me nothing, for he had wasted his whole patrimony, I was forced +to enter myself in the order of mendicants. + +“When I was at school I had a knack of rhyming, which I unhappily +mistook for genius, and indulged to my cost; for my verses drew on me +only ridicule, and I was in contempt called the poet. + +“This humor pursued me through my life. My first composition after I +left school was a panegyric on pope Alexander IV, who then pretended a +project of dethroning the king of Sicily. On this subject I composed a +poem of about fifteen thousand lines, which with much difficulty I got +to be presented to his holiness, of whom I expected great preferment as +my reward; but I was cruelly disappointed: for when I had waited a year, +without hearing any of the commendations I had flattered myself with +receiving, and being now able to contain no longer, I applied to a +Jesuit who was my relation, and had the pope’s ear, to know what his +holiness’s opinion was of my work: he coldly answered me that he was +at that time busied in concerns of too much importance to attend the +reading of poems. + +“However dissatisfied I might be, and really was, with this reception, +and however angry I was with the pope? for whose understanding I +entertained an immoderate contempt, I was not yet discouraged from +a second attempt. Accordingly, I soon after produced another work, +entitled, The Trojan Horse. This was an allegorical work, in which the +church was introduced into the world in the same manner as that machine +had been into Troy. The priests were the soldiers in its belly, and the +heathen superstition the city to be destroyed by them. This poem was +written in Latin. I remember some of the lines:-- + + Mundanos scandit fatalis machina muros, + Farta sacerdotum turmis: exinde per alvum + Visi exire omnes, maguo cum murmure olentes. + Non aliter quam cum llumanis furibundus ab antris + It sonus et nares simul aura invadit hiantes. + Mille scatent et mille alii; trepidare timore + Ethnica gens coepit: falsi per inane volantes + Effugere Dei--Desertaque templa relinquunt. + Jam magnum crepitavit equus, mox orbis et alti + Ingemuere poli: tunc tu pater, ultimus omnium + Maxime Alexander, ventrem maturus equinum + Deseris, heu proles meliori digne parente.” + +“I believe Julian, had I not stopped him, would have gone through the +whole poem (for, as I observed in most of the characters he related, the +affections he had enjoyed while he personated them on earth still made +some impression on him); but I begged him to omit the sequel of the +poem, and proceed with his history. He then recollected himself, and, +smiling at the observation which by intuition he perceived I had made, +continued his narration as follows:-- + +“I confess to you,” says he, “that the delight in repeating our own +works is so predominant in a poet, that I find nothing can totally root +it out of the soul. Happy would it be for those persons if their hearers +could be delighted in the same manner: but alas! hence that ingens +solitudo complained of by Horace: for the vanity of mankind is so much +greedier and more general than their avarice, that no beggar is so ill +received by them as he who solicits their praise. + +“This I sufficiently experienced in the character of a poet; for my +company was shunned (I believe on this account chiefly) by my whole +house: nay, there were few who would submit to hearing me read my +poetry, even at the price of sharing in my provisions. The only +person who gave me audience was a brother poet; he indeed fed me with +commendation very liberally: but, as I was forced to hear and commend in +my turn, I perhaps bought his attention dear enough. + +“Well, sir, if my expectations of the reward I hoped from my first poem +had balked me, I had now still greater reason to complain; for, instead +of being preferred or commended for the second, I was enjoined a very +severe penance by my superior, for ludicrously comparing the pope to a +f--t. My poetry was now the jest of every company, except some few who +spoke of it with detestation; and I found that, instead of recommending +me to preferment, it had effectually barred me from all probability of +attaining it. + +“These discouragements had now induced me to lay down my pen and write +no more. But, as Juvenal says, + + --Si discedas, Laqueo tenet ambitiosi + Consuetudo mali. + +“I was an example of the truth of this assertion, for I soon betook +myself again to my muse. Indeed, a poet hath the same happiness with a +man who is dotingly fond of an ugly woman. The one enjoys his muse, and +the other his mistress, with a pleasure very little abated by the esteem +of the world, and only undervalues their taste for not corresponding +with his own. + +“It is unnecessary to mention any more of my poems; they had all the +same fate; and though in reality some of my latter pieces deserved (I +may now speak it without the imputation of vanity) a better success, +as I had the character of a bad writer, I found it impossible ever to +obtain the reputation of a good one. Had I possessed the merit of Homer +I could have hoped for no applause; since it must have been a profound +secret; for no one would now read a syllable of my writings. + +“The poets of my age were, as I believe you know, not very famous. +However, there was one of some credit at that time, though I have the +consolation to know his works are all perished long ago. The malice, +envy, and hatred I bore this man are inconceivable to any but an author, +and an unsuccessful one; I never could bear to hear him well spoken +of, and writ anonymous satires against him, though I had received +obligations from him; indeed I believe it would have been an absolute +impossibility for him at any rate to have made me sincerely his friend. + +“I have heard an observation which was made by some one of later days, +that there are no worse men than bad authors. A remark of the same kind +hath been made on ugly women, and the truth of both stands on one and +the same reason, viz., that they are both tainted with that cursed and +detestable vice of envy; which, as it is the greatest torment to the +mind it inhabits, so is it capable of introducing into it a total +corruption, and of inspiring it to the commission of the most horrid +crimes imaginable. + +“My life was but short; for I soon pined myself to death with the vice I +just now mentioned. Minos told me I was infinitely too bad for Elysium; +and as for the other place, the devil had sworn he would never entertain +a poet for Orpheus’s sake: so I was forced to return again to the place +from whence I came.” + + + + +CHAPTER XXV + + Julian performs the parts of a knight and a dancing-master. + +“I now mounted the stage in Sicily, and became a knight-templar; but, +as my adventures differ so little from those I have recounted you in the +character of a common soldier, I shall not tire you with repetition. The +soldier and the captain differ in reality so little from one another, +that it requires an accurate judgment to distinguish them; the latter +wears finer clothes, and in times of success lives somewhat more +delicately; but as to everything else, they very nearly resemble one +another. + +“My next step was into France, where fortune assigned me the part of a +dancing-master. I was so expert in my profession that I was brought to +court in my youth, and had the heels of Philip de Valois, who afterwards +succeeded Charles the Fair, committed to my direction. + +“I do not remember that in any of the characters in which I appeared on +earth I ever assumed to myself a greater dignity, or thought myself +of more real importance, than now. I looked on dancing as the greatest +excellence of human nature, and on myself as the greatest proficient +in it. And, indeed, this seemed to be the general opinion of the whole +court; for I was the chief instructor of the youth of both sexes, whose +merit was almost entirely defined by the advances they made in that +science which I had the honor to profess. As to myself, I was so fully +persuaded of this truth, that I not only slighted and despised those who +were ignorant of dancing, but I thought the highest character I +could give any man was that he made a graceful bow: for want of which +accomplishment I had a sovereign contempt for most persons of learning; +nay, for some officers in the army, and a few even of the courtiers +themselves. + +“Though so little of my youth had been thrown away in what they call +literature that I could hardly write and read, yet I composed a treatise +on education; the first rudiments of which, as I taught, were to +instruct a child in the science of coming handsomely into a room. In +this I corrected many faults of my predecessors, particularly that of +being too much in a hurry, and instituting a child in the sublimer parts +of dancing before they are capable of making their honors. + +“But as I have not now the same high opinion of my profession which I +had then, I shall not entertain you with a long history of a life which +consisted of borees and coupees. Let it suffice that I lived to a very +old age and followed my business as long as I could crawl. At length I +revisited my old friend Minos, who treated me with very little respect +and bade me dance back again to earth. + + “I did so, and was now once more born an Englishman, bred up to +the church, and at length arrived to the station of a bishop. + +“Nothing was so remarkable in this character as my always voting-- +[10].” + + + + +BOOK XIX + + + +CHAPTER VII + + Wherein Anna Boleyn relates the history of her life. + +“I am going now truly to recount a life which from the time of its +ceasing has been, in the other world, the continual subject of the +cavils of contending parties; the one making me as black as hell, the +other as pure and innocent as the inhabitants of this blessed place; the +mist of prejudice blinding their eyes, and zeal for what they themselves +profess, making everything appear in that light which they think most +conduces to its honor. + +“My infancy was spent in my father’s house, in those childish plays +which are most suitable to that state, and I think this was one of the +happiest parts of my life; for my parents were not among the number +of those who look upon their children as so many objects of a tyrannic +power, but I was regarded as the dear pledge of a virtuous love, and all +my little pleasures were thought from their indulgence their greatest +delight. At seven years old I was carried into France with the king’s +sister, who was married to the French king, where I lived with a person +of quality, who was an acquaintance of my father’s. I spent my time +in learning those things necessary to give young persons of fashion a +polite education, and did neither good nor evil, but day passed after +day in the same easy way till I was fourteen; then began my anxiety, my +vanity grew strong, and my heart fluttered with joy at every compliment +paid to my beauty: and as the lady with whom I lived was of a gay, +cheerful disposition, she kept a great deal of company, and my youth and +charms made me the continual object of their admiration. I passed some +little time in those exulting raptures which are felt by every woman +perfectly satisfied with herself and with the behavior of others +towards her: I was, when very young, promoted to be maid of honor to her +majesty. The court was frequented by a young nobleman whose beauty +was the chief subject of conversation in all assemblies of ladies. The +delicacy of his person, added to a great softness in his manner, gave +everything he said and did such an air of tenderness, that every woman +he spoke to flattered herself with being the object of his love. I was +one of those who was vain enough of my own charms to hope to make a +conquest of him whom the whole court sighed for. I now thought every +other object below my notice; yet the only pleasure I proposed to myself +in this design was, the triumphing over that heart which I plainly saw +all the ladies of the highest quality and the greatest beauty would have +been proud of possessing. I was yet too young to be very artful; but +nature, without any assistance, soon discovers to a man who is used +to gallantry a woman’s desire to be liked by him, whether that desire +arises from any particular choice she makes of him, or only from +vanity. He soon perceived my thoughts, and gratified my utmost wishes by +constantly preferring me before all other women, and exerting his utmost +gallantry and address to engage my affections. This sudden happiness, +which I then thought the greatest I could have had, appeared visible in +all my actions; I grew so gay and so full of vivacity that it made +my person appear still to a better advantage, all my acquaintance +pretending to be fonder of me than ever: though, young as I was, I +plainly saw it was but pretense, for through all their endeavors to the +contrary envy would often break forth in sly insinuations and +malicious sneers, which gave me fresh matter of triumph, and frequent +opportunities of insulting them, which I never let slip, for now first +my female heart grew sensible of the spiteful pleasure of seeing another +languish for what I enjoyed. Whilst I was in the height of my happiness +her majesty fell ill of a languishing distemper, which obliged her to go +into the country for the change of air: my place made it necessary for +me to attend her, and which way he brought it about I can’t imagine, but +my young hero found means to be one of that small train that waited on +my royal mistress, although she went as privately as possible. Hitherto +all the interviews I had ever had with him were in public, and I only +looked on him as the fitter object to feed that pride which had no other +view but to show its power; but now the scene was quite changed. My +rivals, were all at a distance: the place we went to was as charming +as the most agreeable natural situation, assisted by the greatest art, +could make it; the pleasant solitary walks the singing of birds, the +thousand pretty romantic scenes this delightful place afforded, gave a +sudden turn to my mind; my whole soul was melted into softness, and all +my vanity was fled. My spark was too much used to affairs of this nature +not to perceive this change; at first the profuse transports of his joy +made me believe him wholly mine, and this belief gave me such happiness +that no language affords words to express it, and can be only known to +those who have felt it. But this was of a very short duration, for +I soon found I had to do with one of those men whose only end in the +pursuit of a woman is to make her fall a victim to an insatiable desire +to be admired. His designs had succeeded, and now he every day grew +colder, and, as if by infatuation, my passion every day increased; and, +notwithstanding all my resolutions and endeavors to the contrary, my +rage at the disappointment at once both of my love and pride, and at the +finding a passion fixed in my breast I knew not how to conquer, broke +out into that inconsistent behavior which must always be the consequence +of violent passions. One moment I reproached him, the next I grew to +tenderness and blamed myself, and thought I fancied what was not true: +he saw my struggle and triumphed in it; but, as he had not witnesses +enough there of his victory to give him the full enjoyment of it, +he grew weary of the country and returned to Paris, and left me in a +condition it is utterly impossible to describe. My mind was like a city +up in arms, all confusion; and every new thought was a fresh disturber +of my peace. Sleep quite forsook me, and the anxiety I suffered threw me +into a fever which had like to have cost me my life. With great care I +recovered, but the violence of the distemper left such a weakness on +my body that the disturbance of my mind was greatly assuaged; and now I +began to comfort myself in the reflection that this gentleman’s being +a finished coquette was very likely the only thing could have preserved +me; for he was the only man from whom I was ever in any danger. By that +time I was got tolerably well we returned to Paris; and I confess I both +wished and feared to see this cause of all my pain: however, I hoped, +by the help of my resentment, to be able to meet him with indifference. +This employed my thoughts till our arrival. The next day there was a +very full court to congratulate the queen on her recovery; and amongst +the rest my love appeared dressed and adorned as if he designed some +new conquest. Instead of seeing a woman he despised and slighted, +he approached me with that assured air which is common to successful +coxcombs. At the same time I perceived I was surrounded by all those +ladies who were on his account my greatest enemies, and, in revenge, +wished for nothing more than to see me make a ridiculous figure. This +situation so perplexed my thoughts, that when he came near enough to +speak to me, I fainted away in his arms. Had I studied which way I +could gratify him most, it was impossible to have done anything to have +pleased him more. Some that stood by brought smelling-bottles, and used +means for my recovery; and I was welcomed to returning life by all those +repartees which women enraged by envy are capable of venting. One cried +‘Well, I never thought my lord had anything so frightful in his person +or so fierce in his manner as to strike a young lady dead at the sight +of him.’ ‘No, no,’ says another, ‘some ladies’ senses are more apt to +be hurried by agreeable than disagreeable objects.’ With many more such +sort of speeches which showed more malice than wit. This not being able +to bear, trembling, and with but just strength enough to move, I crawled +to my coach and hurried home. When I was alone, and thought on what had +happened to me in a public court, I was at first driven to the utmost +despair; but afterwards, when I came to reflect, I believe this accident +contributed more to my being cured of my passion than any other could +have done. I began to think the only method to pique the man who had +used me so barbarously, and to be revenged on my spiteful rivals, was to +recover that beauty which was then languid and had lost its luster, to +let them see I had still charms enough to engage as many lovers as +I could desire, and that I could yet rival them who had thus cruelly +insulted me. These pleasing hopes revived my sinking spirits, and worked +a more effectual cure on me than all the philosophy and advice of the +wisest men could have done. I now employed all my time and care in +adorning my person, and studying the surest means of engaging the +affections of others, while I myself continued quite indifferent; for +I resolved for the future, if ever one soft thought made its way to my +heart, to fly the object of it, and by new lovers to drive the image +from my breast. I consulted my glass every morning, and got such a +command of my countenance that I could suit it to the different tastes +of variety of lovers; and though I was young, for I was not yet +above seventeen, yet my public way of life gave me such continual +opportunities of conversing with men, and the strong desire I now had +of pleasing them led me to make such constant observations on everything +they said or did, that I soon found out the different methods of dealing +with them. I observed that most men generally liked in women what was +most opposite to their own characters; therefore to the grave solid man +of sense I endeavored to appear sprightly and full of spirit; to the +witty and gay, soft and languishing; to the amorous (for they want +no increase of their passions), cold and reserved; to the fearful and +backward, warm and full of fire; and so of all the rest. As to beaux, +and all of those sort of men, whose desires are centered in the +satisfaction of their vanity, I had learned by sad experience the +only way to deal with them was to laugh at them and let their own good +opinion of themselves be the only support of their hopes. I knew, while +I could get other followers, I was sure of them; for the only sign of +modesty they ever give is that of not depending on their own judgments, +but following the opinions of the greatest number. Thus furnished with +maxims, and grown wise by past errors, I in a manner began the world +again: I appeared in all public places handsomer and more lively than +ever, to the amazement of every one who saw me and had heard of the +affair between me and my lord. He himself was much surprised and vexed +at this sudden change, nor could he account how it was possible for +me so soon to shake off those chains he thought he had fixed on me +for life; nor was he willing to lose his conquest in this manner. He +endeavored by all means possible to talk to me again of love, but I +stood fixed to my resolution (in which I was greatly assisted by the +crowd of admirers that daily surrounded me) never to let him explain +himself: for, notwithstanding all my pride, I found the first impression +the heart receives of love is so strong that it requires the most +vigilant care to prevent a relapse. Now I lived three years in a +constant round of diversions, and was made the perfect idol of all the +men that came to court of all ages and all characters. I had several +good matches offered me, but I thought none of them equal to my +merit; and one of my greatest pleasures was to see those women who had +pretended to rival me often glad to marry those whom I had refused. Yet, +notwithstanding this great success of my schemes, I cannot say I was +perfectly happy; for every woman that was taken the least notice of, and +every man that was insensible to my arts, gave me as much pain as all +the rest gave me pleasure; and sometimes little underhand plots which +were laid against my designs would succeed in spite of my care: so that +I really began to grow weary of this manner of life, when my father, +returning from his embassy in France, took me home with him, and carried +me to a little pleasant country-house, where there was nothing grand +or superfluous, but everything neat and agreeable. There I led a life +perfectly solitary. At first the time hung very heavy on my hands, and +I wanted all kind of employment, and I had very like to have fallen into +the height of the vapors, from no other reason but from want of knowing +what to do with myself. But when I had lived here a little time I found +such a calmness in my mind, and such a difference between this and the +restless anxieties I had experienced in a court, that I began to share +the tranquillity that visibly appeared in everything round me. I set +myself to do works of fancy, and to raise little flower-gardens, with +many such innocent rural amusements; which, although they are not +capable of affording any great pleasure, yet they give that serene turn +to the mind which I think much preferable to anything else human nature +is made susceptible of. I now resolved to spend the rest of my days +here, and that nothing should allure me from that sweet retirement, to +be again tossed about with tempestuous passions of any kind. Whilst +I was in this situation, my lord Percy, the earl of Northumberland’s +eldest son, by an accident of losing his way after a fox-chase, was met +by my father, about a mile from our house; he came home with him, only +with a design of dining with us, but was so taken with me that he stayed +three days. I had too much experience in all affairs of this kind not +to see presently the influence I had on him; but I was at that time +so entirely free from all ambition, that even the prospect of being a +countess had no effect on me; and I then thought nothing in the world +could have bribed me to have changed my way of life. This young lord, +who was just in his bloom, found his passion so strong, he could not +endure a long absence, but returned again in a week, and endeavored, by +all the means he could think of, to engage me to return his affection. +He addressed me with that tenderness and respect which women on earth +think can flow from nothing but real love; and very often told me that, +unless he could be so happy as by his assiduity and care to make himself +agreeable to me, although he knew my father would eagerly embrace any +proposal from him, yet he would suffer that last of miseries of never +seeing me more rather than owe his own happiness to anything that might +be the least contradiction to my inclinations. This manner of proceeding +had something in it so noble and generous, that by degrees it raised a +sensation in me which I know not how to describe, nor by what name +to call it: it was nothing like my former passion: for there was no +turbulence, no uneasy waking nights attending it, but all I could with +honor grant to oblige him appeared to me to be justly due to his truth +and love, and more the effect of gratitude than of any desire of my own. +The character I had heard of him from my father at my first returning +to England, in discoursing of the young nobility, convinced me that if +I was his wife I should have the perpetual satisfaction of knowing every +action of his must be approved by all the sensible part of mankind; so +that very soon I began to have no scruple left but that of leaving my +little scene of quietness, and venturing again into the world. But +this, by his continual application and submissive behavior, by degrees +entirely vanished, and I agreed he should take his own time to break +it to my father, whose consent he was not long in obtaining; for such +a match was by no means to be refused. There remained nothing now to be +done but to prevail with the earl of Northumberland to comply with what +his son so ardently desired; for which purpose he set out immediately +for London, and begged it as the greatest favor that I would accompany +my father, who was also to go thither the week following. I could not +refuse his request, and as soon as we arrived in town he flew to me with +the greatest raptures to inform me his father was so good that, finding +his happiness depended on his answer, he had given him free leave to +act in this affair as would best please himself, and that he had now no +obstacle to prevent his wishes. It was then the beginning of the winter, +and the time for our marriage was fixed for the latter end of March: the +consent of all parties made his access to me very easy, and we conversed +together both with innocence and pleasure. As his fondness was so great +that he contrived all the methods possible to keep me continually in his +sight, he told me one morning he was commanded by his father to attend +him to court that evening, and begged I would be so good as to meet +him there. I was now so used to act as he would have me that I made no +difficulty of complying with his desire. Two days after this, I was very +much surprised at perceiving such a melancholy in his countenance, +and alteration in his behavior, as I could no way account for; but, +by importunity, at last I got from him that cardinal Wolsey, for what +reason he knew not, had peremptorily forbid him to think any more of +me: and, when he urged that his father was not displeased with it, the +cardinal, in his imperious manner, answered him, he should give his +father such convincing reasons why it would be attended with great +inconveniences, that he was sure he could bring him to be of his +opinion. On which he turned from him, and gave him no opportunity of +replying. I could not imagine what design the cardinal could have in +intermeddling in this match, and I was still more perplexed to find that +my father treated my lord Percy with much more coldness than usual; he +too saw it, and we both wondered what could possibly be the cause of all +this. But it was not long before the mystery was all made clear by my +father, who, sending for me one day into his chamber, let me into a +secret which was as little wished for as expected. He began with the +surprising effects of youth and beauty, and the madness of letting go +those advantages they might procure us till it was too late, when we +might wish in vain to bring them back again. I stood amazed at this +beginning; he saw my confusion, and bid me sit down and attend to what +he was going to tell me, which was of the greatest consequence; and he +hoped I would be wise enough to take his advice, and act as he should +think best for my future welfare. He then asked me if I should not be +much pleased to be a queen? I answered, with the greatest earnestness, +that, so far from it, I would not live in a court again to be the +greatest queen in the world; that I had a lover who was both desirous +and able to raise my station even beyond my wishes. I found this +discourse was very displeasing; my father frowned, and called me a +romantic fool, and said if I would hearken to him he could make me a +queen; for the cardinal had told him that the king, from the time he +saw me at court the other night, liked me, and intended to get a divorce +from his wife, and to put me in her place; and ordered him to find some +method to make me a maid of honor to her present majesty, that in the +meantime he might have an opportunity of seeing me. It is impossible to +express the astonishment these words threw me into; and, notwithstanding +that the moment before, when it appeared at so great a distance, I was +very sincere in my declaration how much it was against my will to be +raised so high, yet now the prospect came nearer, I confess my heart +fluttered, and my eyes were dazzled with a view of being seated on a +throne. + +“My imagination presented before me all the pomp, power and greatness +that attend a crown; and I was so perplexed I knew not what to answer, +but remained as silent as if I had lost the use of my speech. My father, +who guessed what it was that made me in this condition, proceeded to +bring all the arguments he thought most likely to bend me to his will; +at last I recovered from this dream of grandeur, and begged him, by all +the most endearing names I could think of, not to urge me dishonorably +to forsake the man who I was convinced would raise me to an empire if in +his power, and who had enough in his power to give me all I desired. But +he was deaf to all I could say, and insisted that by next week I should +prepare myself to go to court: he bid me consider of it, and not prefer +a ridiculous notion of honor to the real interest of my whole family; +but, above all things, not to disclose what he had trusted me with. On +which he left me to my own thoughts. When I was alone I reflected how +little real tenderness this behavior showed to me, whose happiness he +did not at all consult, but only looked on me as a ladder, on which +he could climb to the height of his own ambitious desires: and when +I thought on his fondness for me in my infancy I could impute it to +nothing but either the liking me as a plaything or the gratification of +his vanity in my beauty. But I was too much divided between a crown and +my engagement to lord Percy to spend much time in thinking of anything +else; and, although my father had positively forbid me, yet, when he +came next, I could not help acquainting him with all that had passed, +with the reserve only of the struggle in my own mind on the first +mention of being a queen. I expected he would have received the news +with the greatest agonies; but he showed no vast emotion: however, he +could not help turning pale, and, taking me by the hand, looked at me +with an air of tenderness, and said, ‘If being a queen would make you +happy, and it is in your power to be so, I would not for the world +prevent it, let me suffer what I will.’ This amazing greatness of mind +had on me quite the contrary effect from what it ought to have had; for, +instead of increasing my love for him it almost put an end to it, and I +began to think, if he could part with me, the matter was not much. And +I am convinced, when any man gives up the possession of a woman whose +consent he has once obtained, let his motive be ever so generous, he +will disoblige her. I could not help showing my dissatisfaction, and +told him I was very glad this affair sat so easily on him. He had +not power to answer, but was so suddenly struck with this unexpected +ill-natured turn I gave his behavior, that he stood amazed for some +time, and then bowed and left me. Now I was again left to my own +reflections; but to make anything intelligible out of them is quite +impossible: I wished to be a queen, and wished I might not be one: I +would have my lord Percy happy without me; and yet I would not have the +power of my charms be so weak that he could bear the thought of life +after being disappointed in my love. But the result of all these +confused thoughts was a resolution to obey my father. I am afraid there +was not much duty in the case, though at that time I was glad to take +hold of that small shadow to save me from looking on my own actions +in the true light. When my lover came again I looked on him with +that coldness that he could not bear, on purpose to rid myself of all +importunity: for since I had resolved to use him ill I regarded him as +the monument of my shame, and his every look appeared to me to upbraid +me. My father soon carried me to court; there I had no very hard part +to act; for, with the experience I had had of mankind, I could find no +great difficulty in managing a man who liked me, and for whom I not only +did not care but had an utter aversion to: but this aversion he believed +to be virtue; for how credulous is a man who has an inclination to +believe! And I took care sometimes to drop words of cottages and love, +and how happy the woman was who fixed her affections on a man in such a +station of life that she might show her love without being suspected of +hypocrisy or mercenary views. All this was swallowed very easily by the +amorous king, who pushed on the divorce with the utmost impetuosity, +although the affair lasted a good while, and I remained most part of +the time behind the curtain. Whenever the king mentioned it to me I used +such arguments against it as I thought the most likely to make him +the more eager for it; begging that, unless his conscience was really +touched, he would not on my account give any grief to his virtuous +queen; for in being her handmaid I thought myself highly honored; and +that I would not only forego a crown, but even give up the pleasure of +ever seeing him more, rather than wrong my royal mistress. This way of +talking, joined to his eager desire to possess my person, convinced the +king so strongly of my exalted merit, that he thought it a meritorious +act to displace the woman (whom he could not have so good an opinion of, +because he was tired of her), and to put me in her place. After about a +year’s stay at court, as the king’s love to me began to be talked of, it +was thought proper to remove me, that there might be no umbrage given +to the queen’s party. I was forced to comply with this, though greatly +against my will; for I was very jealous that absence might change the +king’s mind. I retired again with my father to his country-seat, but +it had no longer those charms for me which I once enjoyed there; for my +mind was now too much taken up with ambition to make room for any other +thoughts. During my stay here, my royal lover often sent gentlemen to +me with messages and letters, which I always answered in the manner I +thought would best bring about my designs, which were to come back again +to court. In all the letters that passed between us there was something +so kingly and commanding in his, and so deceitful and submissive in +mine, that I sometimes could not help reflecting on the difference +betwixt this correspondence and that with lord Percy; yet I was so +pressed forward by the desire of a crown, I could not think of turning +back. In all I wrote I continually praised his resolution of letting me +be at a distance from him, since at this time it conduced indeed to my +honor; but, what was of ten times more weight with me, I thought it was +necessary for his; and I would sooner suffer anything in the world than +be any means of hurt to him, either in his interest or reputation. +I always gave some hints of ill health, with some reflections how +necessary the peace of the mind was to that of the body. By these means +I brought him to recall me again by the most absolute command, which I, +for a little time, artfully delayed (for I knew the impatience of his +temper would not bear any contradictions), till he made my father in +a manner force me to what I most wished, with the utmost appearance of +reluctance on my side. When I had gained this point I began to think +which way I could separate the king from the queen, for hitherto they +lived in the same house. The lady Mary, the queen’s daughter, being +then about sixteen, I sought for emissaries of her own age that I could +confide in, to instill into her mind disrespectful thoughts of her +father, and make a jest of the tenderness of his conscience about the +divorce. I knew she had naturally strong passions, and that young people +of that age are apt to think those that pretend to be their friends are +really so, and only speak their minds freely. I afterwards contrived to +have every word she spoke of him carried to the king, who took it all +as I could wish, and fancied those things did not come at first from the +young lady, but from her mother. He would often talk of it to me, and +I agreed with him in his sentiments; but then, as a great proof of my +goodness, I always endeavored to excuse her, by saying a lady so long +time used to be a royal queen might naturally be a little exasperated +with those she fancied would throw her from that station she so justly +deserved. By these sort of plots I found the way to make the king angry +with the queen; for nothing is easier than to make a man angry with a +woman he wants to be rid of, and who stands in the way between him +and his pleasure; so that now the king, on the pretense of the queen’s +obstinacy in a point where his conscience was so tenderly concerned, +parted with her. Everything was now plain before me; I had nothing +farther to do but to let the king alone to his own desires; and I had no +reason to fear, since they had carried him so far, but that they would +urge him on to do everything I aimed at. I was created marchioness of +Pembroke. This dignity sat very easy on me; for the thoughts of a much +higher title took from me all feeling of this; and I looked upon being +a marchioness as a trifle, not that I saw the bauble in its true light, +but because it fell short of what I had figured to myself I should soon +obtain. The king’s desires grew very impatient, and it was not long +before I was privately married to him. I was no sooner his wife than I +found all the queen come upon me; I felt myself conscious of royalty, +and even the faces of my most intimate acquaintance seemed to me to be +quite strange. I hardly knew them: height had turned my head, and I was +like a man placed on a monument, to whose sight all creatures at a great +distance below him appear like so many little pigmies crawling about +on the earth; and the prospect so greatly delighted me, that I did not +presently consider that in both cases descending a few steps erected +by human hands would place us in the number of those very pigmies who +appeared so despicable. Our marriage was kept private for some time, for +it was not thought proper to make it public (the affair of the divorce +not being finished) till the birth of my daughter Elizabeth made it +necessary. But all who saw me knew it; for my manner of speaking and +acting was so much changed with my station, that all around me plainly +perceived I was sure I was a queen. While it was a secret I had yet +something to wish for; I could not be perfectly satisfied till all the +world was acquainted with my fortune: but when my coronation was over, +and I was raised to the height of my ambition, instead of finding myself +happy, I was in reality more miserable than ever; for, besides that +the aversion I had naturally to the king was much more difficult +to dissemble after marriage than before, and grew into a perfect +detestation, my imagination, which had thus warmly pursued a crown, grew +cool when I was in the possession of it, and gave me time to reflect +what mighty matter I had gained by all this bustle; and I often used to +think myself in the case of the fox-hunter, who, when he has toiled and +sweated all day in the chase as if some unheard-of blessing was to crown +his success, finds at last all he has got by his labor is a stinking +nauseous animal. But my condition was yet worse than his; for he leaves +the loathsome wretch to be torn by his hounds, whilst I was obliged to +fondle mine, and meanly pretend him to be the object of my love. For the +whole time I was in this envied, this exalted state, I led a continual +life of hypocrisy, which I now know nothing on earth can compensate. I +had no companion but the man I hated. I dared not disclose my sentiments +to any person about me, nor did any one presume to enter into any +freedom of conversation with me; but all who spoke to me talked to the +queen, and not to me; for they would have said just the same things to +a dressed-up puppet, if the king had taken a fancy to call it his wife. +And as I knew every woman in the court was my enemy, from thinking she +had much more right than I had to the place I filled, I thought myself +as unhappy as if I had been placed in a wild wood, where there was no +human creature for me to speak to, in a continual fear of leaving any +traces of my footsteps, lest I should be found by some dreadful monster, +or stung by snakes and adders; for such are spiteful women to the +objects of their envy. In this worst of all situations I was obliged to +hide my melancholy and appear cheerful. This threw me into an error the +other way, and I sometimes fell into a levity in my behavior that was +afterwards made use of to my disadvantage. I had a son deadborn, which I +perceived abated something of the king’s ardor; for his temper could +not brook the least disappointment. This gave me no uneasiness; for, not +considering the consequences, I could not help being best pleased when I +had least of his company. Afterwards I found he had cast his eyes on one +of my maids of honor; and, whether it was owing to any art of hers, or +only to the king’s violent passions, I was in the end used even worse +than my former mistress had been by my means. The decay of the +king’s affection was presently seen by all those court-sycophants who +continually watch the motions of royal eyes; and the moment they found +they could be heard against me they turned my most innocent actions and +words, nay, even my very looks, into proofs of the blackest crimes. The +king, who was impatient to enjoy his new love, lent a willing ear to all +my accusers, who found ways of making him jealous that I was false +to his bed. He would not so easily have believed anything against me +before, but he was now glad to flatter himself that he had found a +reason to do just what he had resolved upon without a reason; and on +some slight pretenses and hearsay evidence I was sent to the Tower, +where the lady who was my greatest enemy was appointed to watch me and +lie in the same chamber with me. This was really as bad a punishment as +my death, for she insulted me with those keen reproaches and spiteful +witticisms, which threw me into such vapors and violent fits that I +knew not what I uttered in this condition. She pretended I had confessed +talking ridiculous stuff with a set of low fellows whom I had hardly +ever taken notice of, as could have imposed on none but such as were +resolved to believe. I was brought to my trial, and, to blacken me the +more, accused of conversing criminally with my own brother, whom indeed +I loved extremely well, but never looked on him in any other light than +as my friend. However, I was condemned to be beheaded, or burnt, as the +king pleased; and he was graciously pleased, from the great remains of +his love, to choose the mildest sentence. I was much less shocked at +this manner of ending my life than I should have been in any other +station: but I had had so little enjoyment from the time I had been a +queen, that death was the less dreadful to me. The chief things that lay +on my conscience were the arts I made use of to induce the king to part +with the queen, my ill usage of lady Mary, and my jilting lord Percy. +However, I endeavored to calm my mind as well as I could, and hoped +these crimes would be forgiven me; for in other respects I had led a +very innocent life, and always did all the good-natured actions I found +any opportunity of doing. From the time I had it in my power, I gave a +great deal of money amongst the poor; I prayed very devoutly, and went +to my execution very composedly. Thus I lost my life at the age of +twenty-nine, in which short time I believe I went through more variety +of scenes than many people who live to be very old. I had lived in a +court, where I spent my time in coquetry and gayety; I had experienced +what it was to have one of those violent passions which makes the +mind all turbulence and anxiety; I had had a lover whom I esteemed and +valued, and at the latter part of my life I was raised to a station as +high as the vainest woman could wish. But in all these various changes +I never enjoyed any real satisfaction, unless in the little time I lived +retired in the country free from all noise and hurry, and while I was +conscious I was the object of the love and esteem of a man of sense and +honor.” + +On the conclusion of this history Minos paused for a small time, and +then ordered the gate to be thrown open for Anna Boleyn’s admittance +on the consideration that whoever had suffered being the queen for four +years, and been sensible during all that time of the real misery which +attends that exalted station, ought to be forgiven whatever she had done +to obtain it. [11] + + + + +Footnotes: + +[Footnote 1: Some doubt whether this should not be rather 1641, which +is a date more agreeable to the account given of it in the introduction: +but then there are some passages which seem to relate to transactions +infinitely later, even within this year or two. To say the truth there +are difficulties attending either conjecture; so the reader may take +which he pleases.] + +[Footnote 2: Eyes are not perhaps so properly adapted to a spiritual +substance; but we are here, as in many other places, obliged to use +corporeal terms to make ourselves the better understood. ] + +[Footnote 3: This is the dress in which the god appears to mortals at +the theaters. One of the offices attributed to this god by the ancients, +was to collect the ghosts as a shepherd doth a flock of sheep, and drive +them with his wand into the other world.] + +[Footnote 4: Those who have read of the gods sleeping in Homer will not +be surprised at this happening to spirits.] + +[Footnote 5: A particular lady of quality is meant here; but every +lady of quality, or no quality, are welcome to apply the character to +themselves.] + +[Footnote 6: We have before made an apology for this language, which +we here repeat for the last time; though the heart may, we hope, be +metaphorically used here with more propriety than when we apply those +passions to the body which belong to the soul.] + +[Footnote 7: That we may mention it once for all, in the panegyrical +part of this work some particular person is always meant: but, in the +satirical, nobody.] + +[Footnote 8: These ladies, I believe, by their names, presided over the +leprosy, king’s-evil, and scurvy.] + + +[Footnote 9: This silly story is told as a solemn truth (i.e., that +St. James really appeared in the manner this fellow is described) by +Mariana, 1.7, Section 78.] + +[Footnote 10: Here part of the manuscript is lost, and that a very +considerable one, as appears by the number of the next book and chapter, +which contains, I find, the history of Anna Boleyn; but as to the manner +in which it was introduced, or to whom the narrative is told, we are +totally left in the dark. I have only to remark, that this chapter is, +in the original, writ in a woman’s hand: and, though the observations in +it are, I think, as excellent as any in the whole volume, there seems to +be a difference in style between this and the preceding chapters; and, +as it is the character of a woman which is related, I am inclined to +fancy it was really written by one of that sex.] + +[Footnote 11: Here ends this curious manuscript; the rest being +destroyed in rolling up pens, tobacco, &c. It is to be hoped heedless +people will henceforth be more cautious what they burn, or use to other +vile purposes; especially when they consider the fate which had likely +to have befallen the divine Milton, and that the works of Homer were +probably discovered in some chandlers shop in Greece.] + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg’s From This World to the Next, by Henry Fielding + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 1147 *** diff --git a/1147-h/1147-h.htm b/1147-h/1147-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a5a70e5 --- /dev/null +++ b/1147-h/1147-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,4842 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + A Journey from This World to the Next, by Henry Fielding + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 1147 ***</div> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + A JOURNEY FROM THIS WORLD<br /> TO THE NEXT + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By Henry Fielding + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <blockquote> + <p class="toc"> + <big><b>CONTENTS</b></big> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> <b>A JOURNEY FROM THIS WORLD TO THE NEXT</b> + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_INTR"> INTRODUCTION </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> BOOK I </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XVI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER XVII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER XVIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER XIX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER XX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0021"> CHAPTER XXI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0022"> CHAPTER XXII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0023"> CHAPTER XXIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0024"> CHAPTER XXIV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0025"> CHAPTER XXV </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0029"> BOOK XIX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0026"> CHAPTER VII </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_FOOT"> Footnotes: </a> + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_TOC" id="link2H_TOC"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h1> + A JOURNEY FROM THIS WORLD<br /> TO THE NEXT + </h1> + <p> + <a name="link2H_INTR" id="link2H_INTR"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + INTRODUCTION + </h2> + <p> + Whether the ensuing pages were really the dream or vision of some very + pious and holy person; or whether they were really written in the other + world, and sent back to this, which is the opinion of many (though I think + too much inclining to superstition); or lastly, whether, as infinitely the + greatest part imagine, they were really the production of some choice + inhabitant of New Bethlehem, is not necessary nor easy to determine. It + will be abundantly sufficient if I give the reader an account by what + means they came into my possession. Mr. Robert Powney, stationer, who + dwells opposite to Catherine-street in the Strand, a very honest man and + of great gravity of countenance; who, among other excellent stationery + commodities, is particularly eminent for his pens, which I am abundantly + bound to acknowledge, as I owe to their peculiar goodness that my + manuscripts have by any means been legible: this gentleman, I say, + furnished me some time since with a bundle of those pens, wrapped up with + great care and caution, in a very large sheet of paper full of characters, + written as it seemed in a very bad hand. Now, I have a surprising + curiosity to read everything which is almost illegible; partly perhaps + from the sweet remembrance of the dear Scrawls, Skrawls, or Skrales (for + the word is variously spelled), which I have in my youth received from + that lovely part of the creation for which I have the tenderest regard; + and partly from that temper of mind which makes men set an immense value + on old manuscripts so effaced, bustoes so maimed, and pictures so black + that no one can tell what to make of them. I therefore perused this sheet + with wonderful application, and in about a day’s time discovered that I + could not understand it. I immediately repaired to Mr. Powney, and + inquired very eagerly whether he had not more of the same manuscript? He + produced about one hundred pages, acquainting me that he had saved no + more; but that the book was originally a huge folio, had been left in his + garret by a gentleman who lodged there, and who had left him no other + satisfaction for nine months’ lodging. He proceeded to inform me that the + manuscript had been hawked about (as he phrased it) among all the + booksellers, who refused to meddle; some alleged that they could not read, + others that they could not understand it. Some would haze it to be an + atheistical book, and some that it was a libel on the government; for one + or other of which reasons they all refused to print it. That it had been + likewise shown to the R—l Society, but they shook their heads, + saying, there was nothing in it wonderful enough for them. That, hearing + the gentleman was gone to the West-Indies, and believing it to be good for + nothing else, he had used it as waste paper. He said I was welcome to what + remained, and he was heartily sorry for what was missing, as I seemed to + set some value on it. + </p> + <p> + I desired him much to name a price: but he would receive no consideration + farther than the payment of a small bill I owed him, which at that time he + said he looked on as so much money given him. + </p> + <p> + I presently communicated this manuscript to my friend parson Abraham + Adams, who, after a long and careful perusal, returned it me with his + opinion that there was more in it than at first appeared; that the author + seemed not entirely unacquainted with the writings of Plato; but he wished + he had quoted him sometimes in his margin, that I might be sure (said he) + he had read him in the original: for nothing, continued the parson, is + commoner than for men now-a-days to pretend to have read Greek authors, + who have met with them only in translations, and cannot conjugate a verb + in mi. + </p> + <p> + To deliver my own sentiments on the occasion, I think the author discovers + a philosophical turn of thinking, with some little knowledge of the world, + and no very inadequate value of it. There are some indeed who, from the + vivacity of their temper and the happiness of their station, are willing + to consider its blessings as more substantial, and the whole to be a scene + of more consequence than it is here represented: but, without + controverting their opinions at present, the number of wise and good men + who have thought with our author are sufficient to keep him in + countenance: nor can this be attended with any ill inference, since he + everywhere teaches this moral: That the greatest and truest happiness + which this world affords, is to be found only in the possession of + goodness and virtue; a doctrine which, as it is undoubtedly true, so hath + it so noble and practical a tendency, that it can never be too often or + too strongly inculcated on the minds of men. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK I + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The author dies, meets with Mercury, and is by him conducted + to the stage which sets out for the other world. +</pre> + <p> + On the first day of December 1741 <a href="#linknote-1" + name="linknoteref-1" id="linknoteref-1"><small>1</small></a> I departed + this life at my lodgings in Cheapside. My body had been some time dead + before I was at liberty to quit it, lest it should by any accident return + to life: this is an injunction imposed on all souls by the eternal law of + fate, to prevent the inconveniences which would follow. As soon as the + destined period was expired (being no longer than till the body is become + perfectly cold and stiff) I began to move; but found myself under a + difficulty of making my escape, for the mouth or door was shut, so that it + was impossible for me to go out at it; and the windows, vulgarly called + the eyes, were so closely pulled down by the fingers of a nurse, that I + could by no means open them. At last I perceived a beam of light + glimmering at the top of the house (for such I may call the body I had + been inclosed in), whither ascending, I gently let myself down through a + kind of chimney, and issued out at the nostrils. + </p> + <p> + No prisoner discharged from a long confinement ever tasted the sweets of + liberty with a more exquisite relish than I enjoyed in this delivery from + a dungeon wherein I had been detained upwards of forty years, and with + much the same kind of regard I cast my eyes <a href="#linknote-2" + name="linknoteref-2" id="linknoteref-2"><small>2</small></a> backwards + upon it. + </p> + <p> + My friends and relations had all quitted the room, being all (as I plainly + overheard) very loudly quarreling below stairs about my will; there was + only an old woman left above to guard the body, as I apprehend. She was in + a fast sleep, occasioned, as from her savor it seemed, by a comfortable + dose of gin. I had no pleasure in this company, and, therefore, as the + window was wide open, I sallied forth into the open air: but, to my great + astonishment, found myself unable to fly, which I had always during my + habitation in the body conceived of spirits; however, I came so lightly to + the ground that I did not hurt myself; and, though I had not the gift of + flying (owing probably to my having neither feathers nor wings), I was + capable of hopping such a prodigious way at once, that it served my turn + almost as well. I had not hopped far before I perceived a tall young + gentleman in a silk waistcoat, with a wing on his left heel, a garland on + his head, and a caduceus in his right hand. <a href="#linknote-3" + name="linknoteref-3" id="linknoteref-3"><small>3</small></a> I thought I + had seen this person before, but had not time to recollect where, when he + called out to me and asked me how long I had been departed. I answered I + was just come forth. “You must not stay here,” replied he, “unless you had + been murdered: in which case, indeed, you might have been suffered to walk + some time; but if you died a natural death you must set out for the other + world immediately.” I desired to know the way. “O,” cried the gentleman, + “I will show you to the inn whence the stage proceeds; for I am the + porter. Perhaps you never heard of me—my name is Mercury.” “Sure, + sir,” said I, “I have seen you at the play-house.” Upon which he smiled, + and, without satisfying me as to that point, walked directly forward, + bidding me hop after him. I obeyed him, and soon found myself in + Warwick-lane; where Mercury, making a full stop, pointed at a particular + house, where he bade me enquire for the stage, and, wishing me a good + journey, took his leave, saying he must go seek after other customers. + </p> + <p> + I arrived just as the coach was setting out, and found I had no reason for + inquiry; for every person seemed to know my business the moment I appeared + at the door: the coachman told me his horses were to, but that he had no + place left; however, though there were already six, the passengers offered + to make room for me. I thanked them, and ascended without much ceremony. + We immediately began our journey, being seven in number; for, as the women + wore no hoops, three of them were but equal to two men. Perhaps, reader, + thou mayest be pleased with an account of this whole equipage, as + peradventure thou wilt not, while alive, see any such. The coach was made + by an eminent toyman, who is well known to deal in immaterial substance, + that being the matter of which it was compounded. The work was so + extremely fine, that it was entirely invisible to the human eye. The + horses which drew this extraordinary vehicle were all spiritual, as well + as the passengers. They had, indeed, all died in the service of a certain + postmaster; and as for the coachman, who was a very thin piece of + immaterial substance, he had the honor while alive of driving the Great + Peter, or Peter the Great, in whose service his soul, as well as body, was + almost starved to death. Such was the vehicle in which I set out, and now, + those who are not willing to travel on with me may, if they please, stop + here; those who are, must proceed to the subsequent chapters, in which + this journey is continued. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + In which the author first refutes some idle opinions + concerning spirits, and then the passengers relate their + several deaths. +</pre> + <p> + It is the common opinion that spirits, like owls, can see in the dark; + nay, and can then most easily be perceived by others. For which reason, + many persons of good understanding, to prevent being terrified with such + objects, usually keep a candle burning by them, that the light may prevent + their seeing. Mr. Locke, in direct opposition to this, hath not doubted to + assert that you may see a spirit in open daylight full as well as in the + darkest night. + </p> + <p> + It was very dark when we set out from the inn, nor could we see any more + than if every soul of us had been alive. We had traveled a good way before + any one offered to open his mouth; indeed, most of the company were fast + asleep, <a href="#linknote-4" name="linknoteref-4" id="linknoteref-4"><small>4</small></a> + but, as I could not close my own eyes, and perceived the spirit who sat + opposite to me to be likewise awake, I began to make overtures of + conversation, by complaining HOW DARK IT WAS. “And extremely cold too,” + answered my fellow traveler; “though, I thank God, as I have no body, I + feel no inconvenience from it: but you will believe, sir, that this frosty + air must seem very sharp to one just issued forth out of an oven; for such + was the inflamed habitation I am lately departed from.” “How did you come + to your end, sir?” said I. “I was murdered, sir,” answered the gentleman. + “I am surprised then,” replied I, “that you did not divert yourself by + walking up and down and playing some merry tricks with the murderer.” “Oh, + sir,” returned he, “I had not that privilege, I was lawfully put to death. + In short, a physician set me on fire, by giving me medicines to throw out + my distemper. I died of a hot regimen, as they call it, in the small-pox.” + </p> + <p> + One of the spirits at that word started up and cried out, “The small-pox! + bless me! I hope I am not in company with that distemper, which I have all + my life with such caution avoided, and have so happily escaped hitherto!” + This fright set all the passengers who were awake into a loud laughter; + and the gentleman, recollecting himself, with some confusion, and not + without blushing, asked pardon, crying, “I protest I dreamed that I was + alive.” “Perhaps, sir,” said I, “you died of that distemper, which + therefore made so strong an impression on you.” “No, sir,” answered he, “I + never had it in my life; but the continual and dreadful apprehension it + kept me so long under cannot, I see, be so immediately eradicated. You + must know, sir, I avoided coming to London for thirty years together, for + fear of the small-pox, till the most urgent business brought me thither + about five days ago. I was so dreadfully afraid of this disease that I + refused the second night of my arrival to sup with a friend whose wife had + recovered of it several months before, and the same evening got a surfeit + by eating too many muscles, which brought me into this good company.” + </p> + <p> + “I will lay a wager,” cried the spirit who sat next him, “there is not one + in the coach able to guess my distemper.” I desired the favor of him to + acquaint us with it, if it was so uncommon. “Why, sir,” said he, “I died + of honor.”—“Of honor, sir!” repeated I, with some surprise. “Yes, + sir,” answered the spirit, “of honor, for I was killed in a duel.” + </p> + <p> + “For my part,” said a fair spirit, “I was inoculated last summer, and had + the good fortune to escape with a very few marks on my face. I esteemed + myself now perfectly happy, as I imagined I had no restraint to a full + enjoyment of the diversions of the town; but within a few days after my + coming up I caught cold by overdancing myself at a ball, and last night + died of a violent fever.” + </p> + <p> + After a short silence which now ensued, the fair spirit who spoke last, it + being now daylight, addressed herself to a female who sat next her, and + asked her to what chance they owed the happiness of her company. She + answered, she apprehended to a consumption, but the physicians were not + agreed concerning her distemper, for she left two of them in a very hot + dispute about it when she came out of her body. “And pray, madam,” said + the same spirit to the sixth passenger, “How came you to leave the other + world?” But that female spirit, screwing up her mouth, answered, she + wondered at the curiosity of some people; that perhaps persons had already + heard some reports of her death, which were far from being true; that, + whatever was the occasion of it, she was glad at being delivered from a + world in which she had no pleasure, and where there was nothing but + nonsense and impertinence; particularly among her own sex, whose loose + conduct she had long been entirely ashamed of. + </p> + <p> + The beauteous spirit, perceiving her question gave offense, pursued it no + farther. She had indeed all the sweetness and good-humor which are so + extremely amiable (when found) in that sex which tenderness most + exquisitely becomes. Her countenance displayed all the cheerfulness, the + good-nature, and the modesty, which diffuse such brightness round the + beauty of Seraphina, <a href="#linknote-5" name="linknoteref-5" + id="linknoteref-5"><small>5</small></a> awing every beholder with respect, + and, at the same time, ravishing him with admiration. Had it not been + indeed for our conversation on the small-pox, I should have imagined we + had been honored with her identical presence. This opinion might have been + heightened by the good sense she uttered whenever she spoke, by the + delicacy of her sentiments, and the complacence of her behavior, together + with a certain dignity which attended every look, word, and gesture; + qualities which could not fail making an impression on a heart <a + href="#linknote-6" name="linknoteref-6" id="linknoteref-6"><small>6</small></a> + so capable of receiving it as mine, nor was she long in raising in me a + very violent degree of seraphic love. I do not intend by this, that sort + of love which men are very properly said to make to women in the lower + world, and which seldom lasts any longer than while it is making. I mean + by seraphic love an extreme delicacy and tenderness of friendship, of + which, my worthy reader, if thou hast no conception, as it is probable + thou mayest not, my endeavor to instruct thee would be as fruitless as it + would be to explain the most difficult problems of Sir Isaac Newton to one + ignorant of vulgar arithmetic. + </p> + <p> + To return therefore to matters comprehensible by all understandings: the + discourse now turned on the vanity, folly, and misery of the lower world, + from which every passenger in the coach expressed the highest satisfaction + in being delivered; though it was very remarkable that, notwithstanding + the joy we declared at our death, there was not one of us who did not + mention the accident which occasioned it as a thing we would have avoided + if we could. Nay, the very grave lady herself, who was the forwardest in + testifying her delight, confessed inadvertently that she left a physician + by her bedside; and the gentleman who died of honor very liberally cursed + both his folly and his fencing. While we were entertaining ourselves with + these matters, on a sudden a most offensive smell began to invade our + nostrils. This very much resembled the savor which travelers in summer + perceive at their approach to that beautiful village of the Hague, arising + from those delicious canals which, as they consist of standing water, do + at that time emit odors greatly agreeable to a Dutch taste, but not so + pleasant to any other. Those perfumes, with the assistance of a fair wind, + begin to affect persons of quick olfactory nerves at a league’s distance, + and increase gradually as you approach. In the same manner did the smell I + have just mentioned, more and more invade us, till one of the spirits, + looking out of the coach-window, declared we were just arrived at a very + large city; and indeed he had scarce said so before we found ourselves in + the suburbs, and, at the same time, the coachman, being asked by another, + informed us that the name of this place was the City of Diseases. The road + to it was extremely smooth, and, excepting the above-mentioned savor, + delightfully pleasant. The streets of the suburbs were lined with bagnios, + taverns, and cooks’ shops: in the first we saw several beautiful women, + but in tawdry dresses, looking out at the windows; and in the latter were + visibly exposed all kinds of the richest dainties; but on our entering the + city we found, contrary to all we had seen in the other world, that the + suburbs were infinitely pleasanter than the city itself. It was indeed a + very dull, dark, and melancholy place. Few people appeared in the streets, + and these, for the most part, were old women, and here and there a formal + grave gentleman, who seemed to be thinking, with large tie-wigs on, and + amber-headed canes in their hands. We were all in hopes that our vehicle + would not stop here; but, to our sorrow, the coach soon drove into an inn, + and we were obliged to alight. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The adventures we met with in the City of Diseases. +</pre> + <p> + We had not been long arrived in our inn, where it seems we were to spend + the remainder of the day, before our host acquainted us that it was + customary for all spirits, in their passage through that city, to pay + their respects to that lady Disease, to whose assistance they had owed + their deliverance from the lower world. We answered we should not fail in + any complacence which was usual to others; upon which our host replied he + would immediately send porters to conduct us. He had not long quitted the + room before we were attended by some of those grave persons whom I have + before described in large tie-wigs with amber-headed canes. These + gentlemen are the ticket-porters in the city, and their canes are the + insignia, or tickets, denoting their office. We informed them of the + several ladies to whom we were obliged, and were preparing to follow them, + when on a sudden they all stared at one another, and left us in a hurry, + with a frown on every countenance. We were surprised at this behavior, and + presently summoned the host, who was no sooner acquainted with it than he + burst into an hearty laugh, and told us the reason was, because we did not + fee the gentlemen the moment they came in, according to the custom of the + place. We answered, with some confusion, we had brought nothing with us + from the other world, which we had been all our lives informed was not + lawful to do. “No, no, master,” replied the host; “I am apprised of that, + and indeed it was my fault. I should have first sent you to my lord + Scrape, <a href="#linknote-7" name="linknoteref-7" id="linknoteref-7"><small>7</small></a> + who would have supplied you with what you want.” “My lord Scrape supply + us!” said I, with astonishment: “sure you must know we cannot give him + security; and I am convinced he never lent a shilling without it in his + life.” “No, sir,” answered the host, “and for that reason he is obliged to + do it here, where he is sentenced to keep a bank, and to distribute money + gratis to all passengers. This bank originally consisted of just that sum, + which he had miserably hoarded up in the other world, and he is to + perceive it decrease visibly one shilling a-day, till it is totally + exhausted; after which he is to return to the other world, and perform the + part of a miser for seventy years; then, being purified in the body of a + hog, he is to enter the human species again, and take a second trial.” + “Sir,” said I, “you tell me wonders: but if his bank be to decrease only a + shilling a day, how can he furnish all passengers?” “The rest,” answered + the host, “is supplied again; but in a manner which I cannot easily + explain to you.” “I apprehend,” said I, “this distribution of his money is + inflicted on him as a punishment; but I do not see how it can answer that + end, when he knows it is to be restored to him again. Would it not serve + the purpose as well if he parted only with the single shilling, which it + seems is all he is really to lose?” “Sir,” cries the host, “when you + observe the agonies with which he parts with every guinea, you will be of + another opinion. No prisoner condemned to death ever begged so heartily + for transportation as he, when he received his sentence, did to go to + hell, provided he might carry his money with him. But you will know more + of these things when you arrive at the upper world; and now, if you + please, I will attend you to my lord’s, who is obliged to supply you with + whatever you desire.” + </p> + <p> + We found his lordship sitting at the upper end of a table, on which was an + immense sum of money, disposed in several heaps, every one of which would + have purchased the honor of some patriots and the chastity of some prudes. + The moment he saw us he turned pale, and sighed, as well apprehending our + business. Mine host accosted him with a familiar air, which at first + surprised me, who so well remembered the respect I had formerly seen paid + this lord by men infinitely superior in quality to the person who now + saluted him in the following manner: “Here, you lord, and be dam—d + to your little sneaking soul, tell out your money, and supply your betters + with what they want. Be quick, sirrah, or I’ll fetch the beadle to you. + Don’t fancy yourself in the lower world again, with your privilege at your + a—.” He then shook a cane at his lordship, who immediately began to + tell out his money, with the same miserable air and face which the miser + on our stage wears while he delivers his bank-bills. This affected some of + us so much that we had certainly returned with no more than what would + have been sufficient to fee the porters, had not our host, perceiving our + compassion, begged us not to spare a fellow who, in the midst of immense + wealth, had always refused the least contribution to charity. Our hearts + were hardened with this reflection, and we all filled our pockets with his + money. I remarked a poetical spirit, in particular, who swore he would + have a hearty gripe at him: “For,” says he, “the rascal not only refused + to subscribe to my works, but sent back my letter unanswered, though I am + a better gentleman than himself.” We now returned from this miserable + object, greatly admiring the propriety as well as justice of his + punishment, which consisted, as our host informed us, merely in the + delivering forth his money; and, he observed, we could not wonder at the + pain this gave him, since it was as reasonable that the bare parting with + money should make him miserable as that the bare having money without + using it should have made him happy. Other tie-wig porters (for those we + had summoned before refused to visit us again) now attended us; and we + having fee’d them the instant they entered the room, according to the + instructions of our host, they bowed and smiled, and offered to introduce + us to whatever disease we pleased. + </p> + <p> + We set out several ways, as we were all to pay our respects to different + ladies. I directed my porter to show me to the Fever on the Spirits, being + the disease which had delivered me from the flesh. My guide and I + traversed many streets, and knocked at several doors, but to no purpose. + At one, we were told, lived the Consumption; at another, the Maladie + Alamode, a French lady; at the third, the Dropsy; at the fourth, the + Rheumatism; at the fifth, Intemperance; at the sixth, Misfortune. I was + tired, and had exhausted my patience, and almost my purse; for I gave my + porter a new fee at every blunder he made: when my guide, with a solemn + countenance, told me he could do no more; and marched off without any + farther ceremony. + </p> + <p> + He was no sooner gone than I met another gentleman with a ticket, i. e., + an amber-headed cane in his hand. I first fee’d him, and then acquainted + him with the name of the disease. He cast himself for two or three minutes + into a thoughtful posture, then pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket, + on which he wrote something in one of the Oriental languages, I believe, + for I could not read a syllable: he bade me carry it to such a particular + shop, and, telling me it would do my business, he took his leave. + </p> + <p> + Secure, as I now thought myself, of my direction, I went to the shop, + which very much resembled an apothecary’s. The person who officiated, + having read the paper, took down about twenty different jars, and, pouring + something out of every one of them, made a mixture, which he delivered to + me in a bottle, having first tied a paper round the neck of it, on which + were written three or four words, the last containing eleven syllables. I + mentioned the name of the disease I wanted to find out, but received no + other answer than that he had done as he was ordered, and the drugs were + excellent. I began now to be enraged, and, quitting the shop with some + anger in my countenance, I intended to find out my inn, but, meeting in + the way a porter whose countenance had in it something more pleasing than + ordinary, I resolved to try once more, and clapped a fee into his hand. As + soon as I mentioned the disease to him he laughed heartily, and told me I + had been imposed on, for in reality no such disease was to be found in + that city. He then inquired into the particulars of my case, and was no + sooner acquainted with them than he informed me that the Maladie Alamode + was the lady to whom I was obliged. I thanked him, and immediately went to + pay my respects to her. The house, or rather palace, of this lady was one + of the most beautiful and magnificent in the city. The avenue to it was + planted with sycamore trees, with beds of flowers on each side; it was + extremely pleasant but short. I was conducted through a magnificent hall, + adorned with several statues and bustoes, most of them maimed, whence I + concluded them all to be true antiques; but was informed they were the + figures of several modern heroes, who had died martyrs to her ladyship’s + cause. I next mounted through a large painted staircase, where several + persons were depicted in caricatura; and, upon inquiry, was told they were + the portraits of those who had distinguished themselves against the lady + in the lower world. I suppose I should have known the faces of many + physicians and surgeons, had they not been so violently distorted by the + painter. Indeed, he had exerted so much malice in his work, that I believe + he had himself received some particular favors from the lady of this + mansion: it is difficult to conceive a group of stranger figures. I then + entered a long room, hung round with the pictures of women of such exact + shapes and features that I should have thought myself in a gallery of + beauties, had not a certain sallow paleness in their complexions given me + a more distasteful idea. Through this I proceeded to a second apartment, + adorned, if I may so call it, with the figures of old ladies. Upon my + seeming to admire at this furniture, the servant told me with a smile that + these had been very good friends of his lady, and had done her eminent + service in the lower world. I immediately recollected the faces of one or + two of my acquaintance, who had formerly kept bagnios; but was very much + surprised to see the resemblance of a lady of great distinction in such + company. The servant, upon my mentioning this, made no other answer than + that his lady had pictures of all degrees. I was now introduced into the + presence of the lady herself. She was a thin, or rather meager, person, + very wan in the countenance, had no nose and many pimples in her face. She + offered to rise at my entrance, but could not stand. After many + compliments, much congratulation on her side, and the most fervent + expressions of gratitude on mine, she asked me many questions concerning + the situation of her affairs in the lower world; most of which I answered + to her entire satisfaction. At last, with a kind of forced smile, she + said, “I suppose the pill and drop go on swimmingly?” I told her they were + reported to have done great cures. She replied she could apprehend no + danger from any person who was not of regular practice; “for, however + simple mankind are,” said she, “or however afraid they are of death, they + prefer dying in a regular manner to being cured by a nostrum.” She then + expressed great pleasure at the account I gave her of the beau monde. She + said she had herself removed the hundreds of Drury to the hundreds of + Charing-cross, and was very much delighted to find they had spread into + St. James’s; that she imputed this chiefly to several of her dear and + worthy friends, who had lately published their excellent works, + endeavoring to extirpate all notions of religion and virtue; and + particularly to the deserving author of the Bachelor’s Estimate; “to + whom,” said she, “if I had not reason to think he was a surgeon, and had + therefore written from mercenary views, I could never sufficiently own my + obligations.” She spoke likewise greatly in approbation of the method, so + generally used by parents, of marrying children very young, and without + the least affection between the parties; and concluded by saying that, if + these fashions continued to spread, she doubted not but she should shortly + be the only disease who would ever receive a visit from any person of + considerable rank. + </p> + <p> + While we were discoursing her three daughters entered the room. They were + all called by hard names; the eldest was named Lepra, the second Chaeras, + and the third Scorbutia. <a href="#linknote-8" name="linknoteref-8" + id="linknoteref-8"><small>8</small></a> They were all genteel, but ugly. I + could not help observing the little respect they paid their parent, which + the old lady remarking in my countenance, as soon as they quitted the + room, which soon happened, acquainted me with her unhappiness in her + offspring, every one of which had the confidence to deny themselves to be + her children, though she said she had been a very indulgent mother and had + plentifully provided for them all. As family complaints generally as much + tire the hearer as they relieve him who makes them, when I found her + launching farther into this subject I resolved to put an end to my visit, + and, taking my leave with many thanks for the favor she had done me, I + returned to the inn, where I found my fellow-travelers just mounting into + their vehicle. I shook hands with my host and accompanied them into the + coach, which immediately after proceeded on its journey. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Discourses on the road, and a description of the palace of + Death. +</pre> + <p> + We were all silent for some minutes, till, being well shaken into our + several seats, I opened my mouth first, and related what had happened to + me after our separation in the city we had just left. + </p> + <p> + The rest of the company, except the grave female spirit whom our reader + may remember to have refused giving an account of the distemper which + occasioned her dissolution, did the same. It might be tedious to relate + these at large; we shall therefore only mention a very remarkable + inveteracy which the Surfeit declared to all the other diseases, + especially to the Fever, who, she said, by the roguery of the porters, + received acknowledgments from numberless passengers which were due to + herself. “Indeed,” says she, “those cane-headed fellows” (for so she + called them, alluding, I suppose, to their ticket) “are constantly making + such mistakes; there is no gratitude in those fellows; for I am sure they + have greater obligations to me than to any other disease, except the + Vapors.” These relations were no sooner over than one of the company + informed us we were approaching to the most noble building he had ever + beheld, and which we learned from our coachman was the palace of Death. + Its outside, indeed, appeared extremely magnificent. Its structure was of + the Gothic order; vast beyond imagination, the whole pile consisting of + black marble. Rows of immense yews form an amphitheater round it of such + height and thickness that no ray of the sun ever perforates this grove, + where black eternal darkness would reign was it not excluded by + innumerable lamps which are placed in pyramids round the grove; so that + the distant reflection they cast on the palace, which is plentifully gilt + with gold on the outside, is inconceivably solemn. To this I may add the + hollow murmur of winds constantly heard from the grove, and the very + remote sound of roaring waters. Indeed, every circumstance seems to + conspire to fill the mind with horror and consternation as we approach to + this palace, which we had scarce time to admire before our vehicle stopped + at the gate, and we were desired to alight in order to pay our respects to + his most mortal majesty (this being the title which it seems he assumes). + The outward court was full of soldiers, and, indeed, the whole very much + resembled the state of an earthly monarch, only more magnificent. We + passed through several courts into a vast hall, which led to a spacious + staircase, at the bottom of which stood two pages, with very grave + countenances, whom I recollected afterwards to have formerly been very + eminent undertakers, and were in reality the only dismal faces I saw here; + for this palace, so awful and tremendous without, is all gay and sprightly + within; so that we soon lost all those dismal and gloomy ideas we had + contracted in approaching it. Indeed, the still silence maintained among + the guards and attendants resembled rather the stately pomp of eastern + courts; but there was on every face such symptoms of content and happiness + that diffused an air of cheerfulness all round. We ascended the staircase + and passed through many noble apartments whose walls were adorned with + various battle-pieces in tapistry, and which we spent some time in + observing. These brought to my mind those beautiful ones I had in my + lifetime seen at Blenheim, nor could I prevent my curiosity from inquiring + where the Duke of Marlborough’s victories were placed (for I think they + were almost the only battles of any eminence I had read of which I did not + meet with); when the skeleton of a beef-eater, shaking his head, told me a + certain gentleman, one Lewis XIV, who had great interest with his most + mortal majesty, had prevented any such from being hung up there. + “Besides,” says he, “his majesty hath no great respect for that duke, for + he never sent him a subject he could keep from him, nor did he ever get a + single subject by his means but he lost 1000 others for him.” We found the + presence-chamber at our entrance very full, and a buzz ran through it, as + in all assemblies, before the principal figure enters; for his majesty was + not yet come out. At the bottom of the room were two persons in close + conference, one with a square black cap on his head, and the other with a + robe embroidered with flames of fire. These, I was informed, were a judge + long since dead, and an inquisitor-general. I overheard them disputing + with great eagerness whether the one had hanged or the other burned the + most. While I was listening to this dispute, which seemed to be in no + likelihood of a speedy decision, the emperor entered the room and placed + himself between two figures, one of which was remarkable for the + roughness, and the other for the beauty of his appearance. These were, it + seems, Charles XII of Sweden and Alexander of Macedon. I was at too great + a distance to hear any of the conversation, so could only satisfy my + curiosity by contemplating the several personages present, of whose names + I informed myself by a page, who looked as pale and meager as any + court-page in the other world, but was somewhat more modest. He showed me + here two or three Turkish emperors, to whom his most mortal majesty seemed + to express much civility. Here were likewise several of the Roman + emperors, among whom none seemed so much caressed as Caligula, on account, + as the page told me, of his pious wish that he could send all the Romans + hither at one blow. The reader may be perhaps surprised that I saw no + physicians here; as indeed I was myself, till informed that they were all + departed to the city of Diseases, where they were busy in an experiment to + purge away the immortality of the soul. + </p> + <p> + It would be tedious to recollect the many individuals I saw here, but I + cannot omit a fat figure, well dressed in the French fashion, who was + received with extraordinary complacence by the emperor, and whom I + imagined to be Lewis XIV himself; but the page acquainted me he was a + celebrated French cook. We were at length introduced to the royal + presence, and had the honor to kiss hands. His majesty asked us a few + questions, not very material to relate, and soon after retired. When we + returned into the yard we found our caravan ready to set out, at which we + all declared ourselves well pleased; for we were sufficiently tired with + the formality of a court, notwithstanding its outward splendor and + magnificence. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The travelers proceed on their journey, and meet several + spirits who are coming into the flesh. +</pre> + <p> + We now came to the banks of the great river Cocytus, where we quitted our + vehicle, and passed the water in a boat, after which we were obliged to + travel on foot the rest of our journey; and now we met, for the first + time, several passengers traveling to the world we had left, who informed + us they were souls going into the flesh. + </p> + <p> + The two first we met were walking arm-in-arm, in very close and friendly + conference; they informed us that one of them was intended for a duke, and + the other for a hackney-coachman. As we had not yet arrived at the place + where we were to deposit our passions, we were all surprised at the + familiarity which subsisted between persons of such different degrees; nor + could the grave lady help expressing her astonishment at it. The future + coachman then replied, with a laugh, that they had exchanged lots; for + that the duke had with his dukedom drawn a shrew for a wife, and the + coachman only a single state. + </p> + <p> + As we proceeded on our journey we met a solemn spirit walking alone with + great gravity in his countenance: our curiosity invited us, + notwithstanding his reserve, to ask what lot he had drawn. + </p> + <p> + He answered, with a smile, he was to have the reputation of a wise man + with L100,000 in his pocket, and was practicing the solemnity which he was + to act in the other world. A little farther we met a company of very merry + spirits, whom we imagined by their mirth to have drawn some mighty lot, + but, on inquiry, they informed us they were to be beggars. + </p> + <p> + The farther we advanced, the greater numbers we met; and now we discovered + two large roads leading different ways, and of very different appearance; + the one all craggy with rocks, full as it seemed of boggy grounds, and + everywhere beset with briars, so that it was impossible to pass through it + without the utmost danger and difficulty; the other, the most delightful + imaginable, leading through the most verdant meadows, painted and perfumed + with all kinds of beautiful flowers; in short, the most wanton imagination + could imagine nothing more lovely. Notwithstanding which, we were + surprised to see great numbers crowding into the former, and only one or + two solitary spirits choosing the latter. + </p> + <p> + On inquiry, we were acquainted that the bad road was the way to greatness, + and the other to goodness. When we expressed our surprise at the + preference given to the former we were acquainted that it was chosen for + the sake of the music of drums and trumpets, and the perpetual + acclamations of the mob, with which those who traveled this way were + constantly saluted. We were told likewise that there were several noble + palaces to be seen, and lodged in, on this road, by those who had passed + through the difficulties of it (which indeed many were not able to + surmount), and great quantities of all sorts of treasure to be found in + it; whereas the other had little inviting more than the beauty of the way, + scarce a handsome building, save one greatly resembling a certain house by + the Bath, to be seen during that whole journey; and, lastly, that it was + thought very scandalous and mean-spirited to travel through this, and as + highly honorable and noble to pass by the other. We now heard a violent + noise, when, casting our eyes forwards, we perceived a vast number of + spirits advancing in pursuit of one whom they mocked and insulted with all + kinds of scorn. I cannot give my reader a more adequate idea of this scene + than by comparing it to an English mob conducting a pickpocket to the + water; or by supposing that an incensed audience at a playhouse had + unhappily possessed themselves of the miserable damned poet. Some laughed, + some hissed, some squalled, some groaned, some bawled, some spit at him, + some threw dirt at him. It was impossible not to ask who or what the + wretched spirit was whom they treated in this barbarous manner; when, to + our great surprise, we were informed that it was a king: we were likewise + told that this manner of behavior was usual among the spirits to those who + drew the lots of emperors, kings, and other great men, not from envy or + anger, but mere derision and contempt of earthly grandeur; that nothing + was more common than for those who had drawn these great prizes (as to us + they seemed) to exchange them with tailors and cobblers; and that + Alexander the Great and Diogenes had formerly done so; he that was + afterwards Diogenes having originally fallen on the lot of Alexander. And + now, on a sudden, the mockery ceased, and the king-spirit, having obtained + a hearing, began to speak as follows; for we were now near enough to hear + him distinctly:— + </p> + <p> + “GENTLEMEN,—I am justly surprised at your treating me in this + manner, since whatever lot I have drawn, I did not choose: if, therefore, + it be worthy of derision, you should compassionate me, for it might have + fallen to any of your shares. I know in how low a light the station to + which fate hath assigned me is considered here, and that, when ambition + doth not support it, it becomes generally so intolerable, that there is + scarce any other condition for which it is not gladly exchanged: for what + portion, in the world to which we are going, is so miserable as that of + care? Should I therefore consider myself as become by this lot essentially + your superior, and of a higher order of being than the rest of my + fellow-creatures; should I foolishly imagine myself without wisdom + superior to the wise, without knowledge to the learned, without courage to + the brave, and without goodness and virtue to the good and virtuous; + surely so preposterous, so absurd a pride, would justly render me the + object of ridicule. But far be it from me to entertain it. And yet, + gentlemen, I prize the lot I have drawn, nor would I exchange it with any + of yours, seeing it is in my eye so much greater than the rest. Ambition, + which I own myself possessed of, teaches me this; ambition, which makes me + covet praise, assures me that I shall enjoy a much larger proportion of it + than can fall within your power either to deserve or obtain. I am then + superior to you all, when I am able to do more good, and when I execute + that power. What the father is to the son, the guardian to the orphan, or + the patron to his client, that am I to you. You are my children, to whom I + will be a father, a guardian, and a patron. Not one evening in my long + reign (for so it is to be) will I repose myself to rest without the + glorious, the heart-warming consideration, that thousands that night owe + their sweetest rest to me. What a delicious fortune is it to him whose + strongest appetite is doing good, to have every day the opportunity and + the power of satisfying it! If such a man hath ambition, how happy is it + for him to be seated so on high, that every act blazes abroad, and + attracts to him praises tainted with neither sarcasm nor adulation, but + such as the nicest and most delicate mind may relish! Thus, therefore, + while you derive your good from me, I am your superior. If to my strict + distribution of justice you owe the safety of your property from domestic + enemies; if by my vigilance and valor you are protected from foreign foes; + if by my encouragement of genuine industry, every science, every art which + can embellish or sweeten life, is produced and flourishes among you; will + any of you be so insensible or ungrateful as to deny praise and respect to + him by whose care and conduct you enjoy these blessings? I wonder not at + the censure which so frequently falls on those in my station; but I wonder + that those in my station so frequently deserve it. What strange + perverseness of nature! What wanton delight in mischief must taint his + composition, who prefers dangers, difficulty, and disgrace, by doing evil, + to safety, ease, and honor, by doing good! who refuses happiness in the + other world, and heaven in this, for misery there and hell here! But, be + assured, my intentions are different. I shall always endeavor the ease, + the happiness, and the glory of my people, being confident that, by so + doing, I take the most certain method of procuring them all to myself.”—He + then struck directly into the road of goodness, and received such a shout + of applause as I never remember to have heard equaled. He was gone a + little way when a spirit limped after him, swearing he would fetch him + back. + </p> + <p> + This spirit, I was presently informed, was one who had drawn the lot of + his prime minister. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + An account of the wheel of fortune, with a method of + preparing a spirit for this world. +</pre> + <p> + We now proceeded on our journey, without staying to see whether he + fulfilled his word or no; and without encountering anything worth + mentioning, came to the place where the spirits on their passage to the + other world were obliged to decide by lot the station in which every one + was to act there. Here was a monstrous wheel, infinitely larger than those + in which I had formerly seen lottery-tickets deposited. This was called + the WHEEL OF FORTUNE. + </p> + <p> + The goddess herself was present. She was one of the most deformed females + I ever beheld; nor could I help observing the frowns she expressed when + any beautiful spirit of her own sex passed by her, nor the affability + which smiled in her countenance on the approach of any handsome male + spirits. Hence I accounted for the truth of an observation I had often + made on earth, that nothing is more fortunate than handsome men, nor more + unfortunate than handsome women. The reader may be perhaps pleased with an + account of the whole method of equipping a spirit for his entrance into + the flesh. + </p> + <p> + First, then, he receives from a very sage person, whose look much + resembled that of an apothecary (his warehouse likewise bearing an + affinity to an apothecary’s shop), a small phial inscribed, THE PATHETIC + POTION, to be taken just before you are born. This potion is a mixture of + all the passions, but in no exact proportion, so that sometimes one + predominates, and sometimes another; nay, often in the hurry of making up, + one particular ingredient is, as we were informed, left out. The spirit + receiveth at the same time another medicine called the NOUSPHORIC + DECOCTION, of which he is to drink ad libitum. This decoction is an + extract from the faculties of the mind, sometimes extremely strong and + spirituous, and sometimes altogether as weak; for very little care is + taken in the preparation. This decoction is so extremely bitter and + unpleasant, that, notwithstanding its wholesomeness, several spirits will + not be persuaded to swallow a drop of it, but throw it away, or give it to + any other who will receive it; by which means some who were not disgusted + by the nauseousness drank double and treble portions. I observed a + beautiful young female, who, tasting it immediately from curiosity, + screwed up her face and cast it from her with great disdain, whence + advancing presently to the wheel, she drew a coronet, which she clapped up + so eagerly that I could not distinguish the degree; and indeed I observed + several of the same sex, after a very small sip, throw the bottles away. + As soon as the spirit is dismissed by the operator, or apothecary, he is + at liberty to approach the wheel, where he hath a right to extract a + single lot: but those whom Fortune favors she permits sometimes secretly + to draw three or four. I observed a comical kind of figure who drew forth + a handful, which, when he opened, were a bishop, a general, a + privy-counselor, a player, and a poet-laureate, and, returning the three + first, he walked off, smiling, with the two last. Every single lot + contained two more articles, which were generally disposed so as to render + the lots as equal as possible to each other; on one was written, EARL, + RICHES, HEALTH, DISQUIETUDE; on another, COBLER, SICKNESS, GOOD-HUMOR; on + a third, POET, CONTEMPT, SELF-SATISFACTION; on a fourth, GENERAL, HONOR, + DISCONTENT; on a fifth, COTTAGE, HAPPY LOVE; on a sixth, COACH AND SIX, + IMPOTENT JEALOUS HUSBAND; on a seventh, PRIME MINISTER, DISGRACE; on an + eighth, PATRIOT, GLORY; on a ninth, PHILOSOPHER, POVERTY, EASE; on a + tenth, MERCHANT, RICHES, CARE. And indeed the whole seemed to contain such + a mixture of good and evil, that it would have puzzled me which to choose. + I must not omit here that in every lot was directed whether the drawer + should marry or remain in celibacy, the married lots being all marked with + a large pair of horns. We were obliged, before we quitted this place, to + take each of us an emetic from the apothecary, which immediately purged us + of all our earthly passions, and presently the cloud forsook our eyes, as + it doth those of Aeneas in Virgil, when removed by Venus; and we discerned + things in a much clearer light than before. We began to compassionate + those spirits who were making their entry into the flesh, whom we had till + then secretly envied, and to long eagerly for those delightful plains + which now opened themselves to our eyes, and to which we now hastened with + the utmost eagerness. On our way we met with several spirits with very + dejected countenances; but our expedition would not suffer us to ask any + questions. At length we arrived at the gate of Elysium. Here was a + prodigious crowd of spirits waiting for admittance, some of whom were + admitted, and some were rejected; for all were strictly examined by the + porter, whom I soon discovered to be the celebrated judge Minos. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The proceedings of judge Minos at the gate of Elysium. +</pre> + <p> + I now got near enough to the gate to hear the several claims of those who + endeavored to pass. The first among other pretensions, set forth that he + had been very liberal to an hospital; but Minos answered, “Ostentation,” + and repulsed him. The second exhibited that he had constantly frequented + his church, been a rigid observer of fast-days: he likewise represented + the great animosity he had shown to vice in others, which never escaped + his severest censure; and as to his own behavior, he had never been once + guilty of whoring, drinking, gluttony, or any other excess. He said he had + disinherited his son for getting a bastard. “Have you so?” said Minos; + “then pray return into the other world and beget another; for such an + unnatural rascal shall never pass this gate.” A dozen others, who had + advanced with very confident countenances, seeing him rejected, turned + about of their own accord, declaring, if he could not pass, they had no + expectation, and accordingly they followed him back to earth; which was + the fate of all who were repulsed, they being obliged to take a further + purification, unless those who were guilty of some very heinous crimes, + who were hustled in at a little back gate, whence they tumbled immediately + into the bottomless pit. + </p> + <p> + The next spirit that came up declared he had done neither good nor evil in + the world; for that since his arrival at man’s estate he had spent his + whole time in search of curiosities; and particularly in the study of + butterflies, of which he had collected an immense number. Minos made him + no answer, but with great scorn pushed him back. There now advanced a very + beautiful spirit indeed. She began to ogle Minos the moment she saw him. + She said she hoped there was some merit in refusing a great number of + lovers, and dying a maid, though she had had the choice of a hundred. + Minos told her she had not refused enow yet, and turned her back. + </p> + <p> + She was succeeded by a spirit who told the judge he believed his works + would speak for him. “What works?” answered Minos. “My dramatic works,” + replied the other, “which have done so much good in recommending virtue + and punishing vice.” “Very well,” said the judge; “if you please to stand + by, the first person who passes the gate by your means shall carry you in + with him; but, if you will take my advice, I think, for expedition sake, + you had better return, and live another life upon earth.” The bard + grumbled at this, and replied that, besides his poetical works, he had + done some other good things: for that he had once lent the whole profits + of a benefit-night to a friend, and by that means had saved him and his + family from destruction. Upon this the gate flew open, and Minos desired + him to walk in, telling him, if he had mentioned this at first, he might + have spared the remembrance of his plays. The poet answered, he believed, + if Minos had read his works, he would set a higher value on them. He was + then beginning to repeat, but Minos pushed him forward, and, turning his + back to him, applied himself to the next passenger, a very genteel spirit, + who made a very low bow to Minos, and then threw himself into an erect + attitude, and imitated the motion of taking snuff with his right hand. + Minos asked him what he had to say for himself. He answered, he would + dance a minuet with any spirit in Elysium: that he could likewise perform + all his other exercises very well, and hoped he had in his life deserved + the character of a perfect fine gentleman. Minos replied it would be great + pity to rob the world of so fine a gentleman, and therefore desired him to + take the other trip. The beau bowed, thanked the judge, and said he + desired no better. + </p> + <p> + Several spirits expressed much astonishment at this his satisfaction; but + we were afterwards informed he had not taken the emetic above mentioned. + </p> + <p> + A miserable old spirit now crawled forwards, whose face I thought I had + formerly seen near Westminster Abbey. He entertained Minos with a long + harangue of what he had done when in the HOUSE; and then proceeded to + inform him how much he was worth, without attempting to produce a single + instance of any one good action. Minos stopped the career of his + discourse, and acquainted him he must take a trip back again. + </p> + <p> + “What! to S—— house?” said the spirit in an ecstasy; but the + judge, without making him any answer, turned to another, who with a very + solemn air and great dignity, acquainted him he was a duke. “To the + right-about, Mr. Duke,” cried Minos, “you are infinitely too great a man + for Elysium;” and then, giving him a kick on the b—ch, he addressed + himself to a spirit who, with fear and trembling, begged he might not go + to the bottomless pit: he said he hoped Minos would consider that, though + he had gone astray, he had suffered for it—that it was necessity + which drove him to the robbery of eighteenpence, which he had committed, + and for which he was hanged—that he had done some good actions in + his life—that he had supported an aged parent with his labor—that + he had been a very tender husband and a kind father—and that he had + ruined himself by being bail for his friend. At which words the gate + opened, and Minos bade him enter, giving him a slap on the back as he + passed by him. A great number of spirits now came forwards, who all + declared they had the same claim, and that the captain should speak for + them. He acquainted the judge that they had been all slain in the service + of their country. Minos was going to admit them, but had the curiosity to + ask who had been the invader, in order, as he said, to prepare the back + gate for him. The captain answered they had been the invaders themselves—that + they had entered the enemy’s country, and burned and plundered several + cities. “And for what reason?” said Minos. “By the command of him who paid + us,” said the captain; “that is the reason of a soldier. We are to execute + whatever we are commanded, or we should be a disgrace to the army, and + very little deserve our pay.” “You are brave fellows indeed,” said Minos; + “but be pleased to face about, and obey my command for once, in returning + back to the other world: for what should such fellows as you do where + there are no cities to be burned, nor people to be destroyed? But let me + advise you to have a stricter regard to truth for the future, and not call + the depopulating other countries the service of your own.” The captain + answered, in a rage, “D—n me! do you give me the lie?” and was going + to take Minos by the nose had not his guards prevented him, and + immediately turned him and all his followers back the same road they came. + </p> + <p> + Four spirits informed the judge that they had been starved to death + through poverty—being the father, mother, and two children; that + they had been honest and as industrious as possible, till sickness had + prevented the man from labor. “All that is very true,” cried a grave + spirit who stood by. “I know the fact; for these poor people were under my + cure.” “You was, I suppose, the parson of the parish,” cries Minos; “I + hope you had a good living, sir.” “That was but a small one,” replied the + spirit; “but I had another a little better.”—“Very well,” said + Minos; “let the poor people pass.” At which the parson was stepping + forwards with a stately gait before them; but Minos caught hold of him and + pulled him back, saying, “Not so fast, doctor—you must take one step + more into the other world first; for no man enters that gate without + charity.” A very stately figure now presented himself, and, informing + Minos he was a patriot, began a very florid harangue on public virtue and + the liberties of his country. Upon which Minos showed him the utmost + respect, and ordered the gate to be opened. The patriot was not contented + with this applause; he said he had behaved as well in place as he had done + in the opposition; and that, though he was now obliged to embrace the + court measures, yet he had behaved very honestly to his friends, and + brought as many in as was possible. “Hold a moment,” says Minos: “on + second consideration, Mr. Patriot, I think a man of your great virtue and + abilities will be so much missed by your country, that, if I might advise + you, you should take a journey back again. I am sure you will not decline + it; for I am certain you will, with great readiness, sacrifice your own + happiness to the public good.” The patriot smiled, and told Minos he + believed he was in jest; and was offering to enter the gate, but the judge + laid fast hold of him and insisted on his return, which the patriot still + declining, he at last ordered his guards to seize him and conduct him + back. + </p> + <p> + A spirit now advanced, and the gate was immediately thrown open to him + before he had spoken a word. I heard some whisper, “That is our last lord + mayor.” + </p> + <p> + It now came to our company’s turn. The fair spirit which I mentioned with + so much applause in the beginning of my journey passed through very + easily; but the grave lady was rejected on her first appearance, Minos + declaring there was not a single prude in Elysium. + </p> + <p> + The judge then addressed himself to me, who little expected to pass this + fiery trial. I confessed I had indulged myself very freely with wine and + women in my youth, but had never done an injury to any man living, nor + avoided an opportunity of doing good; that I pretended to very little + virtue more than general philanthropy and private friendship. I was + proceeding, when Minos bade me enter the gate, and not indulge myself with + trumpeting forth my virtues. I accordingly passed forward with my lovely + companion, and, embracing her with vast eagerness, but spiritual + innocence, she returned my embrace in the same manner, and we both + congratulated ourselves on our arrival in this happy region, whose beauty + no painting of the imagination can describe. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VIII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The adventures which the author met on his first entrance + into Elysium. +</pre> + <p> + We pursued our way through a delicious grove of orange-trees, where I saw + infinite numbers of spirits, every one of whom I knew, and was known by + them (for spirits here know one another by intuition). I presently met a + little daughter whom I had lost several years before. Good gods! what + words can describe the raptures, the melting passionate tenderness, with + which we kissed each other, continuing in our embrace, with the most + ecstatic joy, a space which, if time had been measured here as on earth, + could not be less than half a year. + </p> + <p> + The first spirit with whom I entered into discourse was the famous + Leonidas of Sparta. I acquainted him with the honors which had been done + him by a celebrated poet of our nation; to which he answered he was very + much obliged to him. We were presently afterwards entertained with the + most delicious voice I had ever heard, accompanied by a violin, equal to + Signior Piantinida. I presently discovered the musician and songster to be + Orpheus and Sappho. + </p> + <p> + Old Homer was present at this concert (if I may so call it), and Madam + Dacier sat in his lap. He asked much after Mr. Pope, and said he was very + desirous of seeing him; for that he had read his Iliad in his translation + with almost as much delight as he believed he had given others in the + original. I had the curiosity to inquire whether he had really writ that + poem in detached pieces, and sung it about as ballads all over Greece, + according to the report which went of him. He smiled at my question, and + asked me whether there appeared any connection in the poem; for if there + did he thought I might answer myself. I then importuned him to acquaint me + in which of the cities which contended for the honor of his birth he was + really born? To which he answered, “Upon my soul I can’t tell.” + </p> + <p> + Virgil then came up to me, with Mr. Addison under his arm. “Well, sir,” + said he, “how many translations have these few last years produced of my + Aeneid?” I told him I believed several, but I could not possibly remember; + for that I had never read any but Dr. Trapp’s. “Ay,” said he, “that is a + curious piece indeed!” I then acquainted him with the discovery made by + Mr. Warburton of the Elusinian mysteries couched in his sixth book. “What + mysteries?” said Mr. Addison. “The Elusinian,” answered Virgil, “which I + have disclosed in my sixth book.” “How!” replied Addison. “You never + mentioned a word of any such mysteries to me in all our acquaintance.” “I + thought it was unnecessary,” cried the other, “to a man of your infinite + learning: besides, you always told me you perfectly understood my + meaning.” Upon this I thought the critic looked a little out of + countenance, and turned aside to a very merry spirit, one Dick Steele, who + embraced him, and told him he had been the greatest man upon earth; that + he readily resigned up all the merit of his own works to him. Upon which + Addison gave him a gracious smile, and, clapping him on the back with much + solemnity, cried out, “Well said, Dick!” + </p> + <p> + I then observed Shakespeare standing between Betterton and Booth, and + deciding a difference between those two great actors concerning the + placing an accent in one of his lines: this was disputed on both sides + with a warmth which surprised me in Elysium, till I discovered by + intuition that every soul retained its principal characteristic, being, + indeed, its very essence. The line was that celebrated one in Othello— + </p> + <p> + PUT OUT THE LIGHT, AND THEN PUT OUT THE LIGHT. according to Betterton. Mr. + Booth contended to have it thus:— + </p> + <p> + Put out the light, and then put out THE light. I could not help offering + my conjecture on this occasion, and suggested it might perhaps be— + </p> + <p> + Put out the light, and then put out THY light. Another hinted a reading + very sophisticated in my opinion— + </p> + <p> + Put out the light, and then put out THEE, light, making light to be the + vocative case. Another would have altered the last word, and read— + </p> + <p> + PUT OUT THY LIGHT, AND THEN PUT OUT THY SIGHT. But Betterton said, if the + text was to be disturbed, he saw no reason why a word might not be changed + as well as a letter, and, instead of “put out thy light,” you may read + “put out thy eyes.” At last it was agreed on all sides to refer the matter + to the decision of Shakespeare himself, who delivered his sentiments as + follows: “Faith, gentlemen, it is so long since I wrote the line, I have + forgot my meaning. This I know, could I have dreamed so much nonsense + would have been talked and writ about it, I would have blotted it out of + my works; for I am sure, if any of these be my meaning, it doth me very + little honor.” + </p> + <p> + He was then interrogated concerning some other ambiguous passages in his + works; but he declined any satisfactory answer; saying, if Mr. Theobald + had not writ about it sufficiently, there were three or four more new + editions of his plays coming out, which he hoped would satisfy every one: + concluding, “I marvel nothing so much as that men will gird themselves at + discovering obscure beauties in an author. Certes the greatest and most + pregnant beauties are ever the plainest and most evidently striking; and + when two meanings of a passage can in the least balance our judgments + which to prefer, I hold it matter of unquestionable certainty that neither + of them is worth a farthing.” From his works our conversation turned on + his monument; upon which, Shakespeare, shaking his sides, and addressing + himself to Milton, cried out, “On my word, brother Milton, they have + brought a noble set of poets together; they would have been hanged erst + have [ere they had] convened such a company at their tables when alive.” + “True, brother,” answered Milton, “unless we had been as incapable of + eating then as we are now.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IX + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + More adventures in Elysium. +</pre> + <p> + A crowd of spirits now joined us, whom I soon perceived to be the heroes, + who here frequently pay their respects to the several bards the recorders + of their actions. I now saw Achilles and Ulysses addressing themselves to + Homer, and Aeneas and Julius Caesar to Virgil: Adam went up to Milton, + upon which I whispered Mr. Dryden that I thought the devil should have + paid his compliments there, according to his opinion. Dryden only + answered, “I believe the devil was in me when I said so.” Several applied + themselves to Shakespeare, amongst whom Henry V made a very distinguishing + appearance. While my eyes were fixed on that monarch a very small spirit + came up to me, shook me heartily by the hand, and told me his name was + THOMAS THUMB. I expressed great satisfaction in seeing him, nor could I + help speaking my resentment against the historian, who had done such + injustice to the stature of this great little man, which he represented to + be no bigger than a span, whereas I plainly perceived at first sight he + was full a foot and a half (and the 37th part of an inch more, as he + himself informed me), being indeed little shorter than some considerable + beaux of the present age. I asked this little hero concerning the truth of + those stories related of him, viz., of the pudding, and the cow’s belly. + As to the former, he said it was a ridiculous legend, worthy to be laughed + at; but as to the latter, he could not help owning there was some truth in + it: nor had he any reason to be ashamed of it, as he was swallowed by + surprise; adding, with great fierceness, that if he had had any weapon in + his hand the cow should have as soon swallowed the devil. + </p> + <p> + He spoke the last word with so much fury, and seemed so confounded, that, + perceiving the effect it had on him, I immediately waived the story, and, + passing to other matters, we had much conversation touching giants. He + said, so far from killing any, he had never seen one alive; that he + believed those actions were by mistake recorded of him, instead of Jack + the giant-killer, whom he knew very well, and who had, he fancied, + extirpated the race. I assured him to the contrary, and told him I had + myself seen a huge tame giant, who very complacently stayed in London a + whole winter, at the special request of several gentlemen and ladies; + though the affairs of his family called him home to Sweden. + </p> + <p> + I now beheld a stern-looking spirit leaning on the shoulder of another + spirit, and presently discerned the former to be Oliver Cromwell, and the + latter Charles Martel. I own I was a little surprised at seeing Cromwell + here, for I had been taught by my grandmother that he was carried away by + the devil himself in a tempest; but he assured me, on his honor, there was + not the least truth in that story. However, he confessed he had narrowly + escaped the bottomless pit; and, if the former part of his conduct had not + been more to his honor than the latter, he had been certainly soused into + it. He was, nevertheless, sent back to the upper world with this lot:—ARMY, + CAVALIER, DISTRESS. + </p> + <p> + He was born, for the second time, the day of Charles II’s restoration, + into a family which had lost a very considerable fortune in the service of + that prince and his father, for which they received the reward very often + conferred by princes on real merit, viz.—000. At 16 his father + bought a small commission for him in the army, in which he served without + any promotion all the reigns of Charles II and of his brother. At the + Revolution he quitted his regiment, and followed the fortunes of his + former master, and was in his service dangerously wounded at the famous + battle of the Boyne, where he fought in the capacity of a private soldier. + He recovered of this wound, and retired after the unfortunate king to + Paris, where he was reduced to support a wife and seven children (for his + lot had horns in it) by cleaning shoes and snuffing candles at the opera. + In which situation, after he had spent a few miserable years, he died + half-starved and broken-hearted. He then revisited Minos, who, + compassionating his sufferings by means of that family, to whom he had + been in his former capacity so bitter an enemy, suffered him to enter + here. + </p> + <p> + My curiosity would not refrain asking him one question, i. e., whether in + reality he had any desire to obtain the crown? He smiled, and said, “No + more than an ecclesiastic hath to the miter, when he cries Nolo + episcopari.” Indeed, he seemed to express some contempt at the question, + and presently turned away. + </p> + <p> + A venerable spirit appeared next, whom I found to be the great historian + Livy. Alexander the Great, who was just arrived from the palace of death, + passed by him with a frown. The historian, observing it, said, “Ay, you + may frown; but those troops which conquered the base Asiatic slaves would + have made no figure against the Romans.” We then privately lamented the + loss of the most valuable part of his history; after which he took + occasion to commend the judicious collection made by Mr. Hook, which, he + said, was infinitely preferable to all others; and at my mentioning + Echard’s he gave a bounce, not unlike the going off of a squib, and was + departing from me, when I begged him to satisfy my curiosity in one point—whether + he was really superstitious or no? For I had always believed he was till + Mr. Leibnitz had assured me to the contrary. He answered sullenly, “Doth + Mr. Leibnitz know my mind better than myself?” and then walked away. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER X + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The author is surprised at meeting Julian the apostate in + Elysium; but is satisfied by him by what means he procured + his entrance there. Julian relates his adventures in the + character of a slave. +</pre> + <p> + As he was departing I heard him salute a spirit by the name of Mr. Julian + the apostate. This exceedingly amazed me; for I had concluded that no man + ever had a better title to the bottomless pit than he. But I soon found + that this same Julian the apostate was also the very individual archbishop + Latimer. He told me that several lies had been raised on him in his former + capacity, nor was he so bad a man as he had been represented. However, he + had been denied admittance, and forced to undergo several subsequent + pilgrimages on earth, and to act in the different characters of a slave, a + Jew, a general, an heir, a carpenter, a beau, a monk, a fiddler, a wise + man, a king, a fool, a beggar, a prince, a statesman, a soldier, a tailor, + an alderman, a poet, a knight, a dancing-master, and three times a bishop, + before his martyrdom, which, together with his other behavior in this last + character, satisfied the judge, and procured him a passage to the blessed + regions. + </p> + <p> + I told him such various characters must have produced incidents extremely + entertaining; and if he remembered all, as I supposed he did, and had + leisure, I should be obliged to him for the recital. He answered he + perfectly recollected every circumstance; and as to leisure, the only + business of that happy place was to contribute to the happiness of each + other. He therefore thanked me for adding to his, in proposing to him a + method of increasing mine. I then took my little darling in one hand, and + my favorite fellow-traveler in the other, and, going with him to a sunny + bank of flowers, we all sat down, and he began as follows:—“I + suppose you are sufficiently acquainted with my story during the time I + acted the part of the emperor Julian, though I assure you all which hath + been related of me is not true, particularly with regard to the many + prodigies forerunning my death. However, they are now very little worth + disputing; and if they can serve any purpose of the historian they are + extremely at his service. My next entrance into the world was at Laodicea, + in Syria, in a Roman family of no great note; and, being of a roving + disposition, I came at the age of seventeen to Constantinople, where, + after about a year’s stay, I set out for Thrace, at the time when the + emperor Valens admitted the Goths into that country. I was there so + captivated with the beauty of a Gothic lady, the wife of one Rodoric, a + captain, whose name, out of the most delicate tenderness for her lovely + sex, I shall even at this distance conceal; since her behavior to me was + more consistent with good-nature than with that virtue which women are + obliged to preserve against every assailant. In order to procure an + intimacy with this woman I sold myself a slave to her husband, who, being + of a nation not over-inclined to jealousy, presented me to his wife, for + those very reasons which would have induced one of a jealous complexion to + have withheld me from her, namely, for that I was young and handsome. + </p> + <p> + “Matters succeeded so far according to my wish, and the sequel answered + those hopes which this beginning had raised. I soon perceived my service + was very acceptable to her; I often met her eyes, nor did she withdraw + them without a confusion which is scarce consistent with entire purity of + heart. Indeed, she gave me every day fresh encouragement; but the unhappy + distance which circumstances had placed between us deterred me long from + making any direct attack; and she was too strict an observer of decorum to + violate the severe rules of modesty by advancing first; but passion at + last got the better of my respect, and I resolved to make one bold + attempt, whatever was the consequence. Accordingly, laying hold of the + first kind opportunity, when she was alone and my master abroad, I stoutly + assailed the citadel and carried it by storm. Well may I say by storm; for + the resistance I met was extremely resolute, and indeed as much as the + most perfect decency would require. She swore often she would cry out for + help; but I answered it was in vain, seeing there was no person near to + assist her; and probably she believed me, for she did not once actually + cry out, which if she had, I might very likely have been prevented. + </p> + <p> + “When she found her virtue thus subdued against her will she patiently + submitted to her fate, and quietly suffered me a long time to enjoy the + most delicious fruits of my victory; but envious fortune resolved to make + me pay a dear price for my pleasure. One day in the midst of our happiness + we were suddenly surprised by the unexpected return of her husband, who, + coming directly into his wife’s apartment, just allowed me time to creep + under the bed. The disorder in which he found his wife might have + surprised a jealous temper; but his was so far otherwise, that possibly no + mischief might have happened had he not by a cross accident discovered my + legs, which were not well hid. He immediately drew me out by them, and + then, turning to his wife with a stern countenance, began to handle a + weapon he wore by his side, with which I am persuaded he would have + instantly dispatched her, had I not very gallantly, and with many + imprecations, asserted her innocence and my own guilt; which, however, I + protested had hitherto gone no farther than design. She so well seconded + my plea (for she was a woman of wonderful art), that he was at length + imposed upon; and now all his rage was directed against me, threatening + all manner of tortures, which the poor lady was in too great a fright and + confusion to dissuade him from executing; and perhaps, if her concern for + me had made her attempt it, it would have raised a jealousy in him not + afterwards to be removed. + </p> + <p> + “After some hesitation Roderic cried out he had luckily hit on the most + proper punishment for me in the world, by a method which would at once do + severe justice on me for my criminal intention, and at the same time + prevent me from any danger of executing my wicked purpose hereafter. This + cruel resolution was immediately executed, and I was no longer worthy the + name of a man. + </p> + <p> + “Having thus disqualified me from doing him any future injury, he still + retained me in his family; but the lady, very probably repenting of what + she had done, and looking on me as the author of her guilt, would never + for the future give me either a kind word or look: and shortly after, a + great exchange being made between the Romans and the Goths of dogs for + men, my lady exchanged me with a Roman widow for a small lap-dog, giving a + considerable sum of money to boot. + </p> + <p> + “In this widow’s service I remained seven years, during all which time I + was very barbarously treated. I was worked without the least mercy, and + often severely beat by a swinging maid-servant, who never called me by any + other names than those of the Thing and the Animal. Though I used my + utmost industry to please, it never was in my power. Neither the lady nor + her woman would eat anything I touched, saying they did not believe me + wholesome. It is unnecessary to repeat particulars; in a word, you can + imagine no kind of ill usage which I did not suffer in this family. + </p> + <p> + “At last an heathen priest, an acquaintance of my lady’s, obtained me of + her for a present. The scene was now totally changed, and I had as much + reason to be satisfied with my present situation as I had to lament my + former. I was so absolutely my master’s favorite, that the rest of the + slaves paid me almost as much regard as they showed to him, well knowing + that it was entirely in my power to command and treat them as I pleased. I + was intrusted with all my master’s secrets, and used to assist him in + privately conveying away by night the sacrifices from the altars, which + the people believed the deities themselves devoured. Upon these we feasted + very elegantly, nor could invention suggest a rarity which we did not + pamper ourselves with. Perhaps you may admire at the close union between + this priest and his slave, but we lived in an intimacy which the + Christians thought criminal; but my master, who knew the will of the gods, + with whom he told me he often conversed, assured me it was perfectly + innocent. + </p> + <p> + “This happy life continued about four years, when my master’s death, + occasioned by a surfeit got by overfeeding on several exquisite dainties, + put an end to it. + </p> + <p> + “I now fell into the hands of one of a very different disposition, and + this was no other than the celebrated St. Chrysostom, who dieted me with + sermons instead of sacrifices, and filled my ears with good things, but + not my belly. Instead of high food to fatten and pamper my flesh, I had + receipts to mortify and reduce it. With these I edified so well, that + within a few months I became a skeleton. However, as he had converted me + to his faith, I was well enough satisfied with this new manner of living, + by which he taught me I might insure myself an eternal reward in a future + state. The saint was a good-natured man, and never gave me an ill word but + once, which was occasioned by my neglecting to place Aristophanes, which + was his constant bedfellow, on his pillow. He was, indeed, extremely fond + of that Greek poet, and frequently made me read his comedies to him. When + I came to any of the loose passages he would smile, and say, ‘It was pity + his matter was not as pure as his style;’ of which latter he was so + immoderately fond that, notwithstanding the detestation he expressed for + obscenity, he hath made me repeat those passages ten times over. The + character of this good man hath been very unjustly attacked by his heathen + contemporaries, particularly with regard to women; but his severe + invectives against that sex are his sufficient justification. + </p> + <p> + “From the service of this saint, from whom I received manumission, I + entered into the family of Timasius, a leader of great eminence in the + imperial army, into whose favor I so far insinuated myself that he + preferred me to a good command, and soon made me partaker of both his + company and his secrets. I soon grew intoxicated with this preferment, and + the more he loaded me with benefits the more he raised my opinion of my + own merit, which, still outstripping the rewards he conferred on me, + inspired me rather with dissatisfaction than gratitude. And thus, by + preferring me beyond my merit or first expectation, he made me an envious + aspiring enemy, whom perhaps a more moderate bounty would have preserved a + dutiful servant. + </p> + <p> + “I fell now acquainted with one Lucilius, a creature of the prime minister + Eutropius, who had by his favor been raised to the post of a tribune; a + man of low morals, and eminent only in that meanest of qualities, cunning. + This gentleman, imagining me a fit tool for the minister’s purpose, having + often sounded my principles of honor and honesty, both which he declared + to me were words without meaning, and finding my ready concurrence in his + sentiments, recommended me to Eutropius as very proper to execute some + wicked purposes he had contrived against my frend Timasius. The minister + embraced this recommendation, and I was accordingly acquainted by Lucilius + (after some previous accounts of the great esteem Eutropius entertained of + me, from the testimony he had borne of my parts) that he would introduce + me to him; adding that he was a great encourager of merit, and that I + might depend upon his favor. + </p> + <p> + “I was with little difficulty prevailed on to accept of this invitation. A + late hour therefore the next evening being appointed, I attended my friend + Lucilius to the minister’s house. + </p> + <p> + “He received me with the utmost civility and cheerfulness, and affected so + much regard to me, that I, who knew nothing of these high scenes of life, + concluded I had in him a most disinterested friend, owing to the favorable + report which Lucilius had made of me. I was however soon cured of this + opinion; for immediately after supper our discourse turned on the + injustice which the generality of the world were guilty of in their + conduct to great men, expecting that they should reward their private + merit, without ever endeavoring to apply it to their use. ‘What avail,’ + said Eutropius, ‘the learning, wit, courage, or any virtue which a man may + be possessed of, to me, unless I receive some benefit from them? Hath he + not more merit to me who doth my business and obeys my commands, without + any of these qualities?’ I gave such entire satisfaction in my answers on + this head, that both the minister and his creature grew bolder, and after + some preface began to accuse Timasius. At last, finding I did not attempt + to defend him, Lucilius swore a great oath that he was not fit to live, + and that he would destroy him. Eutropius answered that it would be too + dangerous a task: ‘Indeed,’ says he, ‘his crimes are of so black a dye, + and so well known to the emperor, that his death must be a very acceptable + service, and could not fail meeting a proper reward: but I question + whether you are capable of executing it.’ ‘If he is not,’ cried I, ‘I am; + and surely no man can have greater motives to destroy him than myself: + for, besides his disloyalty to my prince, for whom I have so perfect a + duty, I have private disobligations to him. I have had fellows put over my + head, to the great scandal of the service in general, and to my own + prejudice and disappointment in particular.’ I will not repeat you my + whole speech; but, to be as concise as possible, when we parted that + evening the minister squeezed me heartily by the hand, and with great + commendation of my honesty and assurances of his favor, he appointed me + the next evening to come to him alone; when, finding me, after a little + more scrutiny, ready for his purpose, he proposed to me to accuse Timasius + of high treason, promising me the highest rewards if I would undertake it. + The consequence to him, I suppose you know, was ruin; but what was it to + me? Why, truly, when I waited on Eutropius for the fulfilling his + promises, received me with great distance and coldness; and, on my + dropping some hints of my expectations from him, he affected not to + understand me; saying he thought impunity was the utmost I could hope for + on discovering my accomplice, whose offense was only greater than mine, as + he was in a higher station; and telling me he had great difficulty to + obtain a pardon for me from the emperor, which he said, he had struggled + very hardly for, as he had worked the discovery out of me. He turned away, + and addressed himself to another person. + </p> + <p> + “I was so incensed at this treatment, that I resolved revenge, and should + certainly have pursued it, had he not cautiously prevented me by taking + effectual means to despatch me soon after out of the world. + </p> + <p> + “You will, I believe, now think I had a second good chance for the + bottomless pit, and indeed Minos seemed inclined to tumble me in, till he + was informed of the revenge taken on me by Roderic, and my seven years’ + subsequent servitude to the widow; which he thought sufficient to make + atonement for all the crimes a single life could admit of, and so sent me + back to try my fortune a third time.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XI + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + In which Julian relates his adventures in the character of + an avaricious Jew. +</pre> + <p> + “The next character in which I was destined to appear in the flesh was + that of an avaricious Jew. I was born in Alexandria in Egypt. My name was + Balthazar. Nothing very remarkable happened to me till the year of the + memorable tumult in which the Jews of that city are reported in history to + have massacred more Christians than at that time dwelt in it. Indeed, the + truth is, they did maul the dogs pretty handsomely; but I myself was not + present, for as all our people were ordered to be armed, I took that + opportunity of selling two swords, which probably I might otherwise never + have disposed of, they being extremely old and rusty; so that, having no + weapon left, I did not care to venture abroad. Besides, though I really + thought it an act meriting salvation to murder the Nazarenes, as the fact + was to be committed at midnight, at which time, to avoid suspicion, we + were all to sally from our own houses, I could not persuade myself to + consume so much oil in sitting up to that hour: for these reasons + therefore I remained at home that evening. + </p> + <p> + “I was at this time greatly enamored with one Hypatia, the daughter of a + philosopher; a young lady of the greatest beauty and merit: indeed, she + had every imaginable ornament both of mind and body. She seemed not to + dislike my person; but there were two obstructions to our marriage, viz., + my religion and her poverty: both which might probably have been got over, + had not those dogs the Christians murdered her; and, what is worse, + afterwards burned her body: worse, I say, because I lost by that means a + jewel of some value, which I had presented to her, designing, if our + nuptials did not take place, to demand it of her back again. + </p> + <p> + “Being thus disappointed in my love, I soon after left Alexandria and went + to the imperial city, where I apprehended I should find a good market for + jewels on the approaching marriage of the emperor with Athenais. I + disguised myself as a beggar on this journey, for these reasons: first, as + I imagined I should thus carry my jewels with greater safety; and, + secondly, to lessen my expenses; which latter expedient succeeded so well, + that I begged two oboli on my way more than my traveling cost me, my diet + being chiefly roots, and my drink water. + </p> + <p> + “But perhaps, it had been better for me if I had been more lavish and more + expeditious; for the ceremony was over before I reached Constantinople; so + that I lost that glorious opportunity of disposing of my jewels with which + many of our people were greatly enriched. + </p> + <p> + “The life of a miser is very little worth relating, as it is one constant + scheme of getting or saving money. I shall therefore repeat to you some + few only of my adventures, without regard to any order. + </p> + <p> + “A Roman Jew, who was a great lover of Falernian wine, and who indulged + himself very freely with it, came to dine at my house; when, knowing he + should meet with little wine, and that of the cheaper sort, sent me in + half-a-dozen jars of Falernian. Can you believe I would not give this man + his own wine? Sir, I adulterated it so that I made six jars of [them] + three, which he and his friend drank; the other three I afterwards sold to + the very person who originally sent them me, knowing he would give a + better price than any other. + </p> + <p> + “A noble Roman came one day to my house in the country, which I had + purchased, for half the value, of a distressed person. My neighbors paid + him the compliment of some music, on which account, when he departed, he + left a piece of gold with me to be distributed among them. I pocketed this + money, and ordered them a small vessel of sour wine, which I could not + have sold for above two drachms, and afterwards made them pay in work + three times the value of it. + </p> + <p> + “As I was not entirely void of religion, though I pretended to infinitely + more than I had, so I endeavored to reconcile my transactions to my + conscience as well as possible. Thus I never invited any one to eat with + me, but those on whose pockets I had some design. After our collation it + was constantly my method to set down in a book I kept for that purpose, + what I thought they owed me for their meal. Indeed, this was generally a + hundred times as much as they could have dined elsewhere for; but, + however, it was quid pro quo, if not ad valorem. Now, whenever the + opportunity offered of imposing on them I considered it only as paying + myself what they owed me: indeed, I did not always confine myself strictly + to what I had set down, however extravagant that was; but I reconciled + taking the overplus to myself as usance. + </p> + <p> + “But I was not only too cunning for others—I sometimes overreached + myself. I have contracted distempers for want of food and warmth, which + have put me to the expense of a physician; nay, I once very narrowly + escaped death by taking bad drugs, only to save one seven-eighth per cent + in the price. + </p> + <p> + “By these and such like means, in the midst of poverty and every kind of + distress, I saw myself master of an immense fortune, the casting up and + ruminating on which was my daily and only pleasure. This was, however, + obstructed and embittered by two considerations, which against my will + often invaded my thoughts. One, which would have been intolerable (but + that indeed seldom troubled me), was, that I must one day leave my darling + treasure. + </p> + <p> + “The other haunted me continually, viz., that my riches were no greater. + However, I comforted myself against this reflection by an assurance that + they would increase daily: on which head my hopes were so extensive that I + may say with Virgil— + </p> + <p> + ‘His ego nec metas rerum nec tempora pono.’ + </p> + <p> + Indeed I am convinced that, had I possessed the whole globe of earth, save + one single drachma, which I had been certain never to be master of—I + am convinced, I say, that single drachma would have given me more + uneasiness than all the rest could afford me pleasure. + </p> + <p> + “To say the truth, between my solicitude in contriving schemes to procure + money and my extreme anxiety in preserving it, I never had one moment of + ease while awake nor of quiet when in my sleep. + </p> + <p> + “In all the characters through which I have passed, I have never undergone + half the misery I suffered in this; and, indeed, Minos seemed to be of the + same opinion; for while I stood trembling and shaking in expectation of my + sentence he bid me go back about my business, for that nobody was to be d—n’d + in more worlds than one. And, indeed, I have since learned that the devil + will not receive a miser.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + What happened to Julian in the characters of a general, an + heir, a carpenter, and a beau. +</pre> + <p> + “The next step I took into the world was at Apollonia, in Thrace, where I + was born of a beautiful Greek slave, who was the mistress of Eutyches, a + great favorite of the emperor Zeno. That prince, at his restoration, gave + me the command of a cohort, I being then but fifteen years of age; and a + little afterwards, before I had even seen an army, preferred me, over the + heads of all the old officers, to be a tribune. + </p> + <p> + “As I found an easy access to the emperor, by means of my father’s + intimacy with him, he being a very good courtier—or, in other words, + a most prostitute flatterer—so I soon ingratiated myself with Zeno, + and so well imitated my father in flattering him, that he would never part + with me from about his person. So that the first armed force I ever beheld + was that with which Marcian surrounded the palace, where I was then shut + up with the rest of the court. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +“I was afterwards put at the head of a legion and ordered to march into +Syria with Theodoric the Goth; that is, I mean my legion was so ordered; +for, as to myself, I remained at court, with the name and pay of a +general, without the labor or the danger. + + “As nothing could be more gay, i. e., debauched, than Zeno’s +court, so the ladies of gay disposition had great sway in it; +particularly one, whose name was Fausta, who, though not extremely +handsome, was by her wit and sprightliness very agreeable to the +emperor. With her I lived in good correspondence, and we together +disposed of all kinds of commissions in the army, not to those who had +most merit, but who would purchase at the highest rate. My levee was now +prodigiously thronged by officers who returned from the campaigns, who, +though they might have been convinced by daily example how ineffectual +a recommendation their services were, still continued indefatigable in +attendance, and behaved to me with as much observance and respect as I +should have been entitled to for making their fortunes, while I suffered +them and their families to starve. +</pre> + <p> + “Several poets, likewise, addressed verses to me, in which they celebrated + my achievements; and what, perhaps, may seem strange to us at present, I + received all this incense with most greedy vanity, without once reflecting + that, as I did not deserve these compliments, they should rather put me in + mind of my defects. + </p> + <p> + “My father was now dead, and I became so absolute in the emperor’s grace + that one unacquainted with courts would scarce believe the servility with + which all kinds of persons who entered the walls of the palace behaved + towards me. A bow, a smile, a nod from me, as I passed through cringing + crowds, were esteemed as signal favors; but a gracious word made any one + happy; and, indeed, had this real benefit attending it, that it drew on + the person on whom it was bestowed a very great degree of respect from all + others; for these are of current value in courts, and, like notes in + trading communities, are assignable from one to the other. The smile of a + court favorite immediately raises the person who receives it, and gives a + value to his smile when conferred on an inferior: thus the smile is + transferred from one to the other, and the great man at last is the person + to discount it. For instance, a very low fellow hath a desire for a place. + To whom is he to apply? Not to the great man; for to him he hath no + access. He therefore applies to A, who is the creature of B, who is the + tool of C, who is the flatterer of D, who is the catamite of E, who is the + pimp of F, who is the bully of G, who is the buffoon of I, who is the + husband of K, who is the whore of L, who is the bastard of M, who is the + instrument of the great man. Thus the smile descending regularly from the + great man to A, is discounted back again, and at last paid by the great + man. + </p> + <p> + “It is manifest that a court would subsist as difficultly without this + kind of coin as a trading city without paper credit. Indeed, they differ + in this, that their value is not quite so certain, and a favorite may + protest his smile without the danger of bankruptcy. + </p> + <p> + “In the midst of all this glory the emperor died, and Anastasius was + preferred to the crown. As it was yet uncertain whether I should not + continue in favor, I was received as usual at my entrance into the palace + to pay my respects to the new emperor; but I was no sooner rumped by him + than I received the same compliment from all the rest; the whole room, + like a regiment of soldiers, turning their backs to me all at once: my + smile now was become of equal value with the note of a broken banker, and + every one was as cautious not to receive it. + </p> + <p> + “I made as much haste as possible from the court, and shortly after from + the city, retreating to the place of my nativity, where I spent the + remainder of my days in a retired life in husbandry, the only amusement + for which I was qualified, having neither learning nor virtue. + </p> + <p> + “When I came to the gate Minos again seemed at first doubtful, but at + length dismissed me; saying though I had been guilty of many heinous + crimes, in as much as I had, though a general, never been concerned in + spilling human blood, I might return again to earth. + </p> + <p> + “I was now again born in Alexandria, and, by great accident, entering into + the womb of my daughter-in-law, came forth my own grandson, inheriting + that fortune which I had before amassed. + </p> + <p> + “Extravagance was now as notoriously my vice as avarice had been formerly; + and I spent in a very short life what had cost me the labor of a very long + one to rake together. Perhaps you will think my present condition was more + to be envied than my former: but upon my word it was very little so; for, + by possessing everything almost before I desired it, I could hardly ever + say I enjoyed my wish: I scarce ever knew the delight of satisfying a + craving appetite. Besides, as I never once thought, my mind was useless to + me, and I was an absolute stranger to all the pleasures arising from it. + Nor, indeed, did my education qualify me for any delicacy in other + enjoyments; so that in the midst of plenty I loathed everything. Taste for + elegance I had none; and the greatest of corporeal blisses I felt no more + from than the lowest animal. In a word, as while a miser I had plenty + without daring to use it, so now I had it without appetite. + </p> + <p> + “But if I was not very happy in the height of my enjoyment, so I + afterwards became perfectly miserable; being soon overtaken by disease, + and reduced to distress, till at length, with a broken constitution and + broken heart, I ended my wretched days in a jail: nor can I think the + sentence of Minos too mild, who condemned me, after having taken a large + dose of avarice, to wander three years on the banks of Cocytus, with the + knowledge of having spent the fortune in the person of the grandson which + I had raised in that of the grandfather. + </p> + <p> + “The place of my birth, on my return to the world, was Constantinople, + where my father was a carpenter. The first thing I remember was, the + triumph of Belisarius, which was, indeed, most noble show; but nothing + pleased me so much as the figure of Gelimer, king of the African Vandals, + who, being led captive on this occasion, reflecting with disdain on the + mutation of his own fortune, and on the ridiculous empty pomp of the + conqueror, cried out, VANITY, VANITY, ALL IS MERE VANITY.’ + </p> + <p> + “I was bred up to my father’s trade, and you may easily believe so low a + sphere could produce no adventures worth your notice. However, I married a + woman I liked, and who proved a very tolerable wife. My days were passed + in hard labor, but this procured me health, and I enjoyed a homely supper + at night with my wife with more pleasure than I apprehend greater persons + find at their luxurious meals. My life had scarce any variety in it, and + at my death I advanced to Minos with great confidence of entering the + gate: but I was unhappily obliged to discover some frauds I had been + guilty of in the measure of my work when I worked by the foot, as well as + my laziness when I was employed by the day. On which account, when I + attempted to pass, the angry judge laid hold on me by the shoulders, and + turned me back so violently, that, had I had a neck of flesh and bone, I + believe he would have broke it.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Julian passes into a fop. +</pre> + <p> + “My scene of action was Rome. I was born into a noble family, and heir to + a considerable fortune. On which my parents, thinking I should not want + any talents, resolved very kindly and wisely to throw none away upon me. + The only instructors of my youth were therefore one Saltator, who taught + me several motions for my legs; and one Ficus, whose business was to show + me the cleanest way (as he called it) of cutting off a man’s head. When I + was well accomplished in these sciences, I thought nothing more wanting, + but what was to be furnished by the several mechanics in Rome, who dealt + in dressing and adorning the pope. Being therefore well equipped with all + which their art could produce, I became at the age of twenty a complete + finished beau. And now during forty-five years I dressed, I sang and + danced, and danced and sang, I bowed and ogled, and ogled and bowed, till, + in the sixty-sixth year of my age, I got cold by overheating myself with + dancing, and died. + </p> + <p> + “Minos told me, as I was unworthy of Elysium, so I was too insignificant + to be damned, and therefore bade me walk back again.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIV + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Adventures in the person of a monk. +</pre> + <p> + “Fortune now placed me in the character of a younger brother of a good + house, and I was in my youth sent to school; but learning was now at so + low an ebb, that my master himself could hardly construe a sentence of + Latin; and as for Greek, he could not read it. With very little knowledge + therefore, and with altogether as little virtue, I was set apart for the + church, and at the proper age commenced monk. I lived many years retired + in a cell, a life very agreeable to the gloominess of my temper, which was + much inclined to despise the world; that is, in other words, to envy all + men of superior fortune and qualifications, and in general to hate and + detest the human species. Notwithstanding which, I could, on proper + occasions, submit to flatter the vilest fellow in nature, which I did one + Stephen, an eunuch, a favorite of the emperor Justinian II, one of the + wickedest wretches whom perhaps the world ever saw. I not only wrote a + panegyric on this man, but I commended him as a pattern to all others in + my sermons; by which means I so greatly ingratiated myself with him, that + he introduced me to the emperor’s presence, where I prevailed so far by + the same methods, that I was shortly taken from my cell, and preferred to + a place at court. I was no sooner established in the favor of Justinian + than I prompted him to all kind of cruelty. As I was of a sour morose + temper, and hated nothing more than the symptoms of happiness appearing in + any countenance, I represented all kind of diversion and amusement as the + most horrid sins. I inveighed against cheerfulness as levity, and + encouraged nothing but gravity, or, to confess the truth to you, + hypocrisy. The unhappy emperor followed my advice, and incensed the people + by such repeated barbarities, that he was at last deposed by them and + banished. + </p> + <p> + “I now retired again to my cell (for historians mistake in saying I was + put to death), where I remained safe from the danger of the irritated mob, + whom I cursed in my own heart as much as they could curse me. + </p> + <p> + “Justinian, after three years of his banishment, returned to + Constantinople in disguise, and paid me a visit. I at first affected not + to know him, and without the least compunction of gratitude for his former + favors, intended not to receive him, till a thought immediately suggested + itself to me how I might convert him to my advantage, I pretended to + recollect him; and, blaming the shortness of my memory and badness of my + eyes, I sprung forward and embraced him with great affection. + </p> + <p> + “My design was to betray him to Apsimar, who, I doubted not, would + generously reward such a service. I therefore very earnestly requested him + to spend the whole evening with me; to which he consented. I formed an + excuse for leaving him a few minutes, and ran away to the palace to + acquaint Apsimar with the guest whom I had then in my cell. He presently + ordered a guard to go with me and seize him; but, whether the length of my + stay gave him any suspicion, or whether he changed his purpose after my + departure, I know not; for at my return we found he had given us the slip; + nor could we with the most diligent search discover him. + </p> + <p> + “Apsimar, being disappointed of his prey, now raged at me; at first + denouncing the most dreadful vengeance if I did not produce the deposed + monarch. However, by soothing his passion when at the highest, and + afterwards by canting and flattery, I made a shift to escape his fury. + </p> + <p> + “When Justinian was restored I very confidently went to wish him joy of + his restoration: but it seems he had unfortunately heard of my treachery, + so that he at first received me coldly, and afterwards upbraided me openly + with what I had done. I persevered stoutly in denying it, as I knew no + evidence could be produced against me; till, finding him irreconcilable, I + betook myself to reviling him in my sermons, and on every other occasion, + as an enemy to the church and good men, and as an infidel, a heretic, an + atheist, a heathen, and an Arian. This I did immediately on his return, + and before he gave those flagrant proofs of his inhumanity which + afterwards sufficiently verified all I had said. + </p> + <p> + “Luckily I died on the same day when a great number of those forces which + Justinian had sent against the Thracian Bosphorus, and who had executed + such unheard-of cruelties there, perished. As every one of these was cast + into the bottomless pit, Minos was so tired with condemnation, that he + proclaimed that all present who had not been concerned in that bloody + expedition might, if they pleased, return to the other world. I took him + at his word, and, presently turning about, began my journey.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XV + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Julian passes into the character of a fiddler. +</pre> + <p> + “Rome was now the seat of my nativity. My mother was an African, a woman + of no great beauty, but a favorite, I suppose from her piety, of pope + Gregory II. Who was my father I know not, but I believe no very + considerable man; for after the death of that pope, who was, out of his + religion, a very good friend of my mother, we fell into great distress, + and were at length reduced to walk the streets of Rome; nor had either of + us any other support but a fiddle, on which I played with pretty tolerable + skill; for, as my genius turned naturally to music, so I had been in my + youth very early instructed at the expense of the good pope. This afforded + us but a very poor livelihood: for, though I had often a numerous crowd of + hearers, few ever thought themselves obliged to contribute the smallest + pittance to the poor starving wretch who had given them pleasure. Nay, + some of the graver sort, after an hour’s attention to my music, have gone + away shaking their heads, and crying it was a shame such vagabonds were + suffered to stay in the city. + </p> + <p> + “To say the truth, I am confident the fiddle would not have kept us alive + had we entirely depended on the generosity of my hearers. My mother + therefore was forced to use her own industry; and while I was soothing the + ears of the crowd, she applied to their pockets, and that generally with + such good success that we now began to enjoy a very comfortable + subsistence; and indeed, had we had the least prudence or forecast, might + have soon acquired enough to enable us to quit this dangerous and + dishonorable way of life: but I know not what is the reason that money got + with labor and safety is constantly preserved, while the produce of danger + and ease is commonly spent as easily, and often as wickedly, as acquired. + Thus we proportioned our expenses rather by what we had than what we + wanted or even desired; and on obtaining a considerable booty we have even + forced nature into the most profligate extravagance, and have been wicked + without inclination. + </p> + <p> + “We carried on this method of thievery for a long time without detection: + but, as Fortune generally leaves persons of extraordinary ingenuity in the + lurch at last, so did she us; for my poor mother was taken in the fact, + and, together with myself, as her accomplice, hurried before a magistrate. + </p> + <p> + “Luckily for us, the person who was to be our judge was the greatest lover + of music in the whole city, and had often sent for me to play to him, for + which, as he had given me very small rewards, perhaps his gratitude now + moved him: but, whatever was his motive, he browbeat the informers against + us, and treated their evidence with so little favor, that their mouths + were soon stopped, and we dismissed with honor; acquitted, I should rather + have it said, for we were not suffered to depart till I had given the + judge several tunes on the fiddle. + </p> + <p> + “We escaped the better on this occasion because the person robbed happened + to be a poet; which gave the judge, who was a facetious person, many + opportunities of jesting. He said poets and musicians should agree + together, seeing they had married sisters; which he afterwards explained + to be the sister arts. And when the piece of gold was produced he burst + into a loud laugh, and said it must be the golden age, when poets had gold + in their pockets, and in that age there could be no robbers. He made many + more jests of the same kind, but a small taste will suffice. + </p> + <p> + “It is a common saying that men should take warning by any signal + delivery; but I cannot approve the justice of it; for to me it seems that + the acquittal of a guilty person should rather inspire him with + confidence, and it had this effect on us: for we now laughed at the law, + and despised its punishments, which we found were to be escaped even + against positive evidence. We imagined the late example was rather a + warning to the accuser than the criminal, and accordingly proceeded in the + most impudent and flagitious manner. + </p> + <p> + “Among other robberies, one night, being admitted by the servants into the + house of an opulent priest, my mother took an opportunity, whilst the + servants were dancing to my tunes, to convey away a silver vessel; this + she did without the least sacrilegious intention; but it seems the cup, + which was a pretty large one, was dedicated to holy uses, and only + borrowed by the priest on an entertainment which he made for some of his + brethren. We were immediately pursued upon this robbery (the cup being + taken in our possession), and carried before the same magistrate, who had + before behaved to us with so much gentleness: but his countenance was now + changed, for the moment the priest appeared against us, his severity was + as remarkable as his candor had been before, and we were both ordered to + be stripped and whipped through the streets. + </p> + <p> + “This sentence was executed with great severity, the priest himself + attending and encouraging the executioner, which he said he did for the + good of our souls; but, though our backs were both flayed, neither my + mother’s torments nor my own afflicted me so much as the indignity offered + to my poor fiddle, which was carried in triumph before me, and treated + with a contempt by the multitude, intimating a great scorn for the science + I had the honor to profess; which, as it is one of the noblest inventions + of men, and as I had been always in the highest degree proud of my + excellence in it, I suffered so much from the ill-treatment my fiddle + received, that I would have given all my remainder of skin to have + preserved it from this affront. + </p> + <p> + “My mother survived the whipping a very short time; and I was now reduced + to great distress and misery, till a young Roman of considerable rank took + a fancy to me, received me into his family, and conversed with me in the + utmost familiarity. He had a violent attachment to music, and would learn + to play on the fiddle; but, through want of genius for the science, he + never made any considerable progress. However, I flattered his + performance, and he grew extravagantly fond of me for so doing. Had I + continued this behavior I might possibly have reaped the greatest + advantages from his kindness; but I had raised his own opinion of his + musical abilities so high, that he now began to prefer his skill to mine, + a presumption I could not bear. One day as we were playing in concert he + was horribly out; nor was it possible, as he destroyed the harmony, to + avoid telling him of it. Instead of receiving my correction, he answered + it was my blunder and not his, and that I had mistaken the key. Such an + affront from my own scholar was beyond human patience; I flew into a + violent passion, I flung down my instrument in a rage, and swore I was not + to be taught music at my age. He answered, with as much warmth, nor was he + to be instructed by a strolling fiddler. The dispute ended in a challenge + to play a prize before judges. This wager was determined in my favor; but + the purchase was a dear one, for I lost my friend by it, who now, twitting + me with all his kindness, with my former ignominious punishment, and the + destitute condition from which I had been by his bounty relieved, + discarded me for ever. + </p> + <p> + “While I lived with this gentleman I became known, among others, to + Sabina, a lady of distinction, and who valued herself much on her taste + for music. She no sooner heard of my being discarded than she took me into + her house, where I was extremely well clothed and fed. Notwithstanding + which, my situation was far from agreeable; for I was obliged to submit to + her constant reprehensions before company, which gave me the greater + uneasiness because they were always wrong; nor am I certain that she did + not by these provocations contribute to my death: for, as experience had + taught me to give up my resentment to my bread, so my passions, for want + of outward vent, preyed inwardly on my vitals, and perhaps occasioned the + distemper of which I sickened. + </p> + <p> + “The lady, who, amidst all the faults she found, was very fond of me, nay, + probably was the fonder of me the more faults she found, immediately + called in the aid of three celebrated physicians. The doctors (being well + fee’d) made me seven visits in three days, and two of them were at the + door to visit me the eighth time, when, being acquainted that I was just + dead, they shook their heads and departed. + </p> + <p> + “When I came to Minos he asked me with a smile whether I had brought my + fiddle with me; and, receiving an answer in the negative, he bid me get + about my business, saying it was well for me that the devil was no lover + of music.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVI + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The history of the wise man. +</pre> + <p> + “I now returned to Rome, but in a very different character. Fortune had + now allotted me a serious part to act. I had even in my infancy a grave + disposition, nor was I ever seen to smile, which infused an opinion into + all about me that I was a child of great solidity; some foreseeing that I + should be a judge, and others a bishop. At two years old my father + presented me with a rattle, which I broke to pieces with great + indignation. This the good parent, being extremely wise, regarded as an + eminent symptom of my wisdom, and cried out in a kind of ecstasy, ‘Well + said, boy! I warrant thou makest a great man.’ + </p> + <p> + “At school I could never be persuaded to play with my mates; not that I + spent my hours in learning, to which I was not in the least addicted, nor + indeed had I any talents for it. However, the solemnity of my carriage won + so much on my master, who was a most sagacious person, that I was his + chief favorite, and my example on all occasions was recommended to the + other boys, which filled them with envy, and me with pleasure; but, though + they envied me, they all paid me that involuntary respect which it is the + curse attending this passion to bear towards its object. + </p> + <p> + “I had now obtained universally the character of a very wise young man, + which I did not altogether purchase without pains; for the restraint I + laid on myself in abstaining from the several diversions adapted to my + years cost me many a yearning; but the pride which I inwardly enjoyed in + the fancied dignity of my character made me some amends. + </p> + <p> + “Thus I passed on, without anything very memorable happening to me, till I + arrived at the age of twenty-three, when unfortunately I fell acquainted + with a young Neapolitan lady whose name was Ariadne. Her beauty was so + exquisite that her first sight made a violent impression on me; this was + again improved by her behavior, which was most genteel, easy, and affable: + lastly, her conversation completed the conquest. In this she discovered a + strong and lively understanding, with the sweetest and most benign temper. + This lovely creature was about eighteen when I first unhappily beheld her + at Rome, on a visit to a relation with whom I had great intimacy. As our + interviews at first were extremely frequent, my passions were captivated + before I apprehended the least danger; and the sooner probably, as the + young lady herself, to whom I consulted every method of recommendation, + was not displeased with my being her admirer. + </p> + <p> + “Ariadne, having spent three months at Rome, now returned to Naples, + bearing my heart with her: on the other hand, I had all the assurances + consistent with the constraint under which the most perfect modesty lays a + young woman, that her own heart was not entirely unaffected. I soon found + her absence gave me an uneasiness not easy to be borne or to remove. I now + first applied to diversions (of the graver sort, particularly to music), + but in vain; they rather raised my desires and heightened my anguish. My + passion at length grew so violent, that I began to think of satisfying it. + As the first step to this, I cautiously inquired into the circumstances of + Ariadne’s parents, with which I was hitherto unacquainted: though, indeed, + I did not apprehend they were extremely great, notwithstanding the + handsome appearance of their daughter at Rome. Upon examination, her + fortune exceeded my expectation, but was not sufficient to justify my + marriage with her, in the opinion of the wise and prudent. I had now a + violent struggle between wisdom and happiness, in which, after several + grievous pangs, wisdom got the better. I could by no means prevail with + myself to sacrifice that character of profound wisdom, which I had with + such uniform conduct obtained, and with such caution hitherto preserved. I + therefore resolved to conquer my affection, whatever it cost me; and + indeed it did not cost me a little. + </p> + <p> + “While I was engaged in this conflict (for it lasted a long time) Ariadne + returned to Rome: her presence was a terrible enemy to my wisdom, which + even in her absence had with great difficulty stood its ground. It seems + (as she hath since told me in Elysium with much merriment) I had made the + same impressions on her which she had made on me. Indeed, I believe my + wisdom would have been totally subdued by this surprise, had it not + cunningly suggested to me a method of satisfying my passion without doing + any injury to my reputation. This was by engaging her privately as a + mistress, which was at that time reputable enough at Rome, provided the + affair was managed with an air of slyness and gravity, though the secret + was known to the whole city. + </p> + <p> + “I immediately set about this project, and employed every art and engine + to effect it. I had particularly bribed her priest, and an old female + acquaintance and distant relation of hers, into my interest: but all was + in vain; her virtue opposed the passion in her breast as strongly as + wisdom had opposed it in mine. She received my proposals with the utmost + disdain, and presently refused to see or hear from me any more. + </p> + <p> + “She returned again to Naples, and left me in a worse condition than + before. My days I now passed with the most irksome uneasiness, and my + nights were restless and sleepless. The story of our amour was now pretty + public, and the ladies talked of our match as certain; but my acquaintance + denied their assent, saying, ‘No, no, he is too wise to marry so + imprudently.’ This their opinion gave me, I own, very great pleasure; but, + to say the truth, scarce compensated the pangs I suffered to preserve it. + </p> + <p> + “One day, while I was balancing with myself, and had almost resolved to + enjoy my happiness at the price of my character, a friend brought me word + that Ariadne was married. This news struck me to the soul; and though I + had resolution enough to maintain my gravity before him (for which I + suffered not a little the more), the moment I was alone I threw myself + into the most violent fit of despair, and would willingly have parted with + wisdom, fortune, and everything else, to have retrieved her; but that was + impossible, and I had now nothing but time to hope a cure from. This was + very tedious in performing it, and the longer as Ariadne had married a + Roman cavalier, was now become my near neighbor, and I had the + mortification of seeing her make the best of wives, and of having the + happiness which I had lost, every day before my eyes. + </p> + <p> + “If I suffered so much on account of my wisdom in having refused Ariadne, + I was not much more obliged to it for procuring me a rich widow, who was + recommended to me by an old friend as a very prudent match; and, indeed, + so it was, her fortune being superior to mine in the same proportion as + that of Ariadne had been inferior. I therefore embraced this proposal, and + my character of wisdom soon pleaded so effectually for me with the widow, + who was herself a woman of great gravity and discretion, that I soon + succeeded; and as soon as decency would permit (of which this lady was the + strictest observer) we were married, being the second day of the second + week of the second year after her husband’s death; for she said she + thought some period of time above the year had a great air of decorum. + </p> + <p> + “But, prudent as this lady was, she made me miserable. Her person was far + from being lovely, but her temper was intolerable. + </p> + <p> + “During fifteen years’ habitation, I never passed a single day without + heartily cursing her, and the hour in which we came together. The only + comfort I received, in the midst of the highest torments, was from + continually hearing the prudence of my match commended by all my + acquaintance. + </p> + <p> + “Thus you see, in the affairs of love, I bought the reputation of wisdom + pretty dear. In other matters I had it somewhat cheaper; not that + hypocrisy, which was the price I gave for it, gives one no pain. I have + refused myself a thousand little amusements with a feigned contempt, while + I have really had an inclination to them. I have often almost choked + myself to restrain from laughing at a jest, and (which was perhaps to + myself the least hurtful of all my hypocrisy) have heartily enjoyed a book + in my closet which I have spoken with detestation of in public. To sum up + my history in short, as I had few adventures worth remembering, my whole + life was one constant lie; and happy would it have been for me if I could + as thoroughly have imposed on myself as I did on others: for reflection, + at every turn, would often remind me I was not so wise as people thought + me; and this considerably embittered the pleasure I received from the + public commendation of my wisdom. This self-admonition, like a memento + mori or mortalis es, must be, in my opinion, a very dangerous enemy to + flattery: indeed, a weight sufficient to counterbalance all the false + praise of the world. But whether it be that the generality of wise men do + not reflect at all, or whether they have, from a constant imposition on + others, contracted such a habit of deceit as to deceive themselves, I will + not determine: it is, I believe, most certain that very few wise men know + themselves what fools they are, more than the world doth. Good gods! could + one but see what passes in the closet of wisdom! how ridiculous a sight + must it be to behold the wise man, who despises gratifying his palate, + devouring custard; the sober wise man with his dram-bottle; or, the + anti-carnalist (if I may be allowed the expression) chuckling over a b—dy + book or picture, and perhaps caressing his house-maid! + </p> + <p> + “But to conclude a character in which I apprehend I made as absurd a + figure as in any in which I trod the stage of earth, my wisdom at last but + an end to itself, that is, occasioned my dissolution. + </p> + <p> + “A relation of mine in the eastern part of the empire disinherited his + son, and left me his heir. This happened in the depth of winter, when I + was in my grand climacteric, and had just recovered of a dangerous + disease. As I had all the reason imaginable to apprehend the family of the + deceased would conspire against me, and embezzle as much as they could, I + advised with a grave and wise friend what was proper to be done; whether I + should go myself, or employ a notary on this occasion, and defer my + journey to the spring. To say the truth, I was most inclined to the + latter; the rather as my circumstances were extremely flourishing, as I + was advanced in years, and had not one person in the world to whom I + should with pleasure bequeath any fortune at my death. + </p> + <p> + “My friend told me he thought my question admitted of no manner of doubt + or debate; that common prudence absolutely required my immediate + departure; adding, that if the same good luck had happened to him he would + have been already on his journey; ‘for,’ continued he, ‘a man who knows + the world so well as you, would be inexcusable to give persons such an + opportunity of cheating you, who, you must be assured, will be too well + inclined; and as for employing a notary, remember that excellent maxim, Ne + facias per alium, quod fieri potest per te. I own the badness of the + season and your very late recovery are unlucky circumstances; but a wise + man must get over difficulties when necessity obliges him to encounter + them.’ + </p> + <p> + “I was immediately determined by this opinion. The duty of a wise man made + an irresistible impression, and I took the necessity for granted without + examination. I accordingly set forward the next morning; very tempestuous + weather soon overtook me; I had not traveled three days before I relapsed + into my fever, and died. + </p> + <p> + “I was now as cruelly disappointed by Minos as I had formerly been happily + so. I advanced with the utmost confidence to the gate, and really imagined + I should have been admitted by the wisdom of my countenance, even without + any questions asked: but this was not my case; and, to my great surprise, + Minos, with a menacing voice, called out to me, ‘You Mr. there, with the + grave countenance, whither so fast, pray? Will you please, before you move + any farther forwards, to give me a short account of your transactions + below?’ I then began, and recounted to him my whole history, still + expecting at the end of every period that the gate would be ordered to fly + open; but I was obliged to go quite through with it, and then Minos after + some little consideration spoke to me as follows:— + </p> + <p> + “‘You, Mr. Wiseman, stand forth if you please. Believe me, sir, a trip + back again to earth will be one of the wisest steps you ever took, and + really more to the honor of your wisdom than any you have hitherto taken. + On the other side, nothing could be simpler than to endeavor at Elysium; + for who but a fool would carry a commodity, which is of such infinite + value in one place, into another where it is of none? But, without + attempting to offend your gravity with a jest, you must return to the + place from whence you came, for Elysium was never designed for those who + are too wise to be happy.’ + </p> + <p> + “This sentence confounded me greatly, especially as it seemed to threaten + me with carrying my wisdom back again to earth. I told the judge, though + he would not admit me at the gate, I hoped I had committed no crime while + alive which merited my being wise any longer. He answered me, I must take + my chance as to that matter, and immediately we turned our backs to each + other.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Julian enters into the person of a king. +</pre> + <p> + “I was now born at Oviedo in Spain. My father’s name was Veremond, and I + was adopted by my uncle king Alphonso the chaste. + </p> + <p> + “I don’t recollect in all the pilgrimages I have made on earth that I ever + passed a more miserable infancy than now; being under the utmost + confinement and restraint, and surrounded with physicians who were ever + dosing me, and tutors who were continually plaguing me with their + instructions; even those hours of leisure which my inclination would have + spent in play were allotted to tedious pomp and ceremony, which, at an age + wherein I had no ambition to enjoy the servility of courtiers, enslaved me + more than it could the meanest of them. However, as I advanced towards + manhood, my condition made me some amends; for the most beautiful women of + their own accord threw out lures for me, and I had the happiness, which no + man in an inferior degree can arrive at, of enjoying the most delicious + creatures, without the previous and tiresome ceremonies of courtship, + unless with the most simple, young and unexperienced. As for the court + ladies, they regarded me rather as men do the most lovely of the other + sex; and, though they outwardly retained some appearance of modesty, they + in reality rather considered themselves as receiving than conferring + favors. + </p> + <p> + “Another happiness I enjoyed was in conferring favors of another sort; + for, as I was extremely good-natured and generous, so I had daily + opportunities of satisfying those passions. Besides my own princely + allowance, which was very bountiful, and with which I did many liberal and + good actions, I recommended numberless persons of merit in distress to the + king’s notice, most of whom were provided for. Indeed, had I sufficiently + known my blessed situation at this time, I should have grieved at nothing + more than the death of Alphonso, by which the burden of government + devolved upon me; but, so blindly fond is ambition, and such charms doth + it fancy in the power and pomp and splendor of a crown, that, though I + vehemently loved that king, and had the greatest obligations to him, the + thoughts of succeeding him obliterated my regret at his loss, and the wish + for my approaching coronation dried my eyes at his funeral. + </p> + <p> + “But my fondness for the name of king did not make me forgetful of those + over whom I was to reign. I considered them in the light in which a tender + father regards his children, as persons whose wellbeing God had intrusted + to my care; and again, in that in which a prudent lord respects his + tenants, as those on whose wealth and grandeur he is to build his own. + Both these considerations inspired me with the greatest care for their + welfare, and their good was my first and ultimate concern. + </p> + <p> + “The usurper Mauregas had impiously obliged himself and his successors to + pay to the Moors every year an infamous tribute of an hundred young + virgins: from this cruel and scandalous imposition I resolved to relieve + my country. Accordingly, when their emperor Abderames the second had the + audaciousness to make this demand of me, instead of complying with it I + ordered his ambassadors to be driven away with all imaginable ignominy, + and would have condemned them to death, could I have done it without a + manifest violation of the law of nations. + </p> + <p> + “I now raised an immense army; at the levying of which I made a speech + from my throne, acquainting my subjects with the necessity and the reasons + of the war in which I was going to engage: which I convinced them I had + undertaken for their ease and safety, and not for satisfying any wanton + ambition, or revenging any private pique of my own. They all declared + unanimously that they would venture their lives and everything dear to + them in my defense, and in the support of the honor of my crown. + Accordingly, my levies were instantly complete, sufficient numbers being + only left to till the land; churchmen, even bishops themselves, enlisting + themselves under my banners. + </p> + <p> + “The armies met at Alvelda, where we were discomfited with immense loss, + and nothing but the lucky intervention of the night could have saved our + whole army. + </p> + <p> + “I retreated to the summit of a hill, where I abandoned myself to the + highest agonies of grief, not so much for the danger in which I then saw + my crown, as for the loss of those miserable wretches who had exposed + their lives at my command. I could not then avoid this reflection—that, + if the deaths of these people in a war undertaken absolutely for their + protection could give me such concern, what horror must I have felt if, + like princes greedy of dominion, I had sacrificed such numbers to my own + pride, vanity, and ridiculous lust of power. + </p> + <p> + “After having vented my sorrows for some time in this manner, I began to + consider by what means I might possibly endeavor to retrieve this + misfortune; when, reflecting on the great number of priests I had in my + army, and on the prodigious force of superstition, a thought luckily + suggested itself to me, to counterfeit that St. James had appeared to me + in a vision, and had promised me the victory. While I was ruminating on + this the bishop of Najara came opportunely to me. As I did not intend to + communicate the secret to him, I took another method, and, instead of + answering anything the bishop said to me, I pretended to talk to St. + James, as if he had been really present; till at length, after having + spoke those things which I thought sufficient, and thanked the saint aloud + for his promise of the victory, I turned about to the bishop, and, + embracing him with a pleased countenance, protested I did not know he was + present; and then, informing him of this supposed vision, I asked him if + he had not himself seen the saint? He answered me he had; and afterwards + proceeded to assure me that this appearance of St. James was entirely + owing to his prayers; for that he was his tutelar saint. He added he had a + vision of him a few hours before, when he promised him a victory over the + infidels, and acquainted him at the same time of the vacancy of the see of + Toledo. Now, this news being really true, though it had happened so lately + that I had not heard of it (nor, indeed, was it well possible I should, + considering the great distance of the way), when I was afterwards + acquainted with it, a little staggered me, though far from being + superstitious; till being informed that the bishop had lost three horses + on a late expedition, I was satisfied. + </p> + <p> + “The next morning, the bishop, at my desire, mounted the rostrum, and + trumpeted forth this vision so effectually, which he said he had that + evening twice seen with his own eyes, that a spirit began to be infused + through the whole army which rendered them superior to almost any force: + the bishop insisted that the least doubt of success was giving the lie to + the saint, and a damnable sin, and he took upon him in his name to promise + them victory. + </p> + <p> + “The army being drawn out, I soon experienced the effect of enthusiasm, + for, having contrived another stratagem <a href="#linknote-9" + name="linknoteref-9" id="linknoteref-9"><small>9</small></a> to strengthen + what the bishop had said, the soldiers fought more like furies than men. + My stratagem was this: I had about me a dexterous fellow, who had been + formerly a pimp in my amours. Him I dressed up in a strange antic dress, + with a pair of white colors in his right hand, a red cross in his left, + and having disguised him so that no one could know him, I placed him on a + white horse, and ordered him to ride to the head of the army, and cry out, + ‘Follow St. James!’ These words were reiterated by all the troops, who + attacked the enemy with such intrepidity, that, notwithstanding our + inferiority of numbers, we soon obtained a complete victory. + </p> + <p> + “The bishop was come up by the time that the enemy was routed, and, + acquainting us that he had met St. James by the way, and that he had + informed him of what had passed, he added that he had express orders from + the saint to receive a considerable sum for his use, and that a certain + tax on corn and wine should be settled on his church for ever; and lastly, + that a horseman’s pay should be allowed for the future to the saint + himself, of which he and his successors were appointed receivers. The army + received these demands with such acclamations that I was obliged to comply + with them, as I could by no means discover the imposition, nor do I + believe I should have gained any credit if I had. + </p> + <p> + “I had now done with the saint, but the bishop had not; for about a week + afterwards lights were seen in a wood near where the battle was fought; + and in a short time afterwards they discovered his tomb at the same place. + Upon this the bishop made me a visit, and forced me to go thither, to + build a church to him, and largely endow it. In a word, the good man so + plagued me with miracle after miracle, that I was forced to make interest + with the pope to convey him to Toledo, to get rid of him. + </p> + <p> + “But to proceed to other matters.—There was an inferior officer, who + had behaved very bravely in the battle against the Moors, and had received + several wounds, who solicited me for preferment; which I was about to + confer on him, when one of my ministers came to me in a fright, and told + me that he had promised the post I designed for this man to the son of + count Alderedo; and that the count, who was a powerful person, would be + greatly disobliged at the refusal, as he had sent for his son from school + to take possession of it. I was obliged to agree with my minister’s + reasons, and at the same time recommended the wounded soldier to be + preferred by him, which he faithfully promised he would; but I met the + poor wretch since in Elysium, who informed me he was afterwards starved to + death. + </p> + <p> + “None who hath not been himself a prince, nor any prince till his death, + can conceive the impositions daily put on them by their favorites and + ministers; so that princes are often blamed for the faults of others. The + count of Saldagne had been long confined in prison, when his son, D. + Bernard del Carpio, who had performed the greatest actions against the + Moors, entreated me, as a reward for his service, to grant him his + father’s liberty. The old man’s punishment had been so tedious, and the + services of the young one so singularly eminent, that I was very + inclinable to grant the request; but my ministers strongly opposed it; + they told me my glory demanded revenge for the dishonor offered to my + family; that so positive a demand carried with it rather the air of menace + than entreaty; that the vain detail of his services, and the recompense + due to them, was an injurious reproach; that to grant what had been so + haughtily demanded would argue in the monarch both weakness and timidity; + in a word, that to remit the punishment inflicted by my predecessors would + be to condemn their judgment. Lastly, one told me in a whisper, ‘His whole + family are enemies to your house.’ By these means the ministers prevailed. + The young lord took the refusal so ill, that he retired from court, and + abandoned himself to despair, whilst the old one languished in prison. By + which means, as I have since discovered, I lost the use of two of my best + subjects. + </p> + <p> + “To confess the truth, I had, by means of my ministers, conceived a very + unjust opinion of my whole people, whom I fancied to be daily conspiring + against me, and to entertain the most disloyal thoughts, when, in reality + (as I have known since my death), they held me in universal respect and + esteem. This is a trick, I believe, too often played with sovereigns, who, + by such means, are prevented from that open intercourse with their + subjects which, as it would greatly endear the person of the prince to the + people, so might it often prove dangerous to a minister who was consulting + his own interest only at the expense of both. I believe I have now + recounted to you the most material passages of my life; for I assure you + there are some incidents in the lives of kings not extremely worth + relating. Everything which passes in their minds and families is not + attended with the splendor which surrounds their throne—indeed, + there are some hours wherein the naked king and the naked cobbler can + scarce be distinguished from each other. + </p> + <p> + “Had it not been, however, for my ingratitude to Bernard del Carpio, I + believe this would have been my last pilgrimage on earth; for, as to the + story of St. James, I thought Minos would have burst his sides at it; but + he was so displeased with me on the other account, that, with a frown, he + cried out, ‘Get thee back again, king.’ Nor would he suffer me to say + another word.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVIII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Julian passes into a fool. +</pre> + <p> + “The next visit I made to the world was performed in France, where I was + born in the court of Lewis III, and had afterwards the honor to be + preferred to be fool to the prince, who was surnamed Charles the Simple. + But, in reality, I know not whether I might so properly be said to have + acted the fool in his court as to have made fools of all others in it. + Certain it is, I was very far from being what is generally understood by + that word, being a most cunning, designing, arch knave. I knew very well + the folly of my master, and of many others, and how to make my advantage + of this knowledge. + </p> + <p> + “I was as dear to Charles the Simple as the player Paris was to Domitian, + and, like him, bestowed all manner of offices and honors on whom I + pleased. This drew me a great number of followers among the courtiers, who + really mistook me for a fool, and yet flattered my understanding. There + was particularly in the court a fellow who had neither honor, honesty, + sense, wit, courage, beauty, nor indeed any one good quality, either of + mind or body, to recommend him; but was at the same time, perhaps, as + cunning a monster as ever lived. This gentleman took it into his head to + list under my banner, and pursued me so very assiduously with flattery, + constantly reminding me of my good sense, that I grew immoderately fond of + him; for though flattery is not most judiciously applied to qualities + which the persons flattered possess, yet as, notwithstanding my being well + assured of my own parts, I passed in the whole court for a fool, this + flattery was a very sweet morsel to me. I therefore got this fellow + preferred to a bishopric, but I lost my flatterer by it; for he never + afterwards said a civil thing to me. + </p> + <p> + “I never balked my imagination for the grossness of the reflection on the + character of the greatest noble—nay, even the king himself; of which + I will give you a very bold instance. One day his simple majesty told me + he believed I had so much power that his people looked on me as the king, + and himself as my fool. + </p> + <p> + “At this I pretended to be angry, as with an affront. ‘Why, how now?’ says + the king; ‘are you ashamed of being a king?’ ‘No, sir,’ says I, ‘but I am + devilishly ashamed of my fool.’ + </p> + <p> + “Herbert, earl of Vermandois, had by my means been restored to the favor + of the Simple (for so I used always to call Charles). He afterwards + prevailed with the king to take the city of Arras from earl Baldwin, by + which means, Herbert, in exchange for this city, had Peronne restored to + him by count Altmar. Baldwin came to court in order to procure the + restoration of his city; but, either through pride or ignorance, neglected + to apply to me. As I met him at court during his solicitation, I told him + he did not apply the right way; he answered roughly he should not ask a + fool’s advice. I replied I did not wonder at his prejudice, since he had + miscarried already by following a fool’s advice; but I told him there were + fools who had more interest than that he had brought with him to court. He + answered me surlily he had no fool with him, for that he traveled alone. + ‘Ay, my lord,’ says I, ‘I often travel alone, and yet they will have it I + always carry a fool with me.’ This raised a laugh among the by-standers, + on which he gave me a blow. I immediately complained of this usage to the + Simple, who dismissed the earl from court with very hard words, instead of + granting him the favor he solicited. + </p> + <p> + “I give you these rather as a specimen of my interest and impudence than + of my wit—indeed, my jests were commonly more admired than they + ought to be; for perhaps I was not in reality much more a wit than a fool. + But, with the latitude of unbounded scurrility, it is easy enough to + attain the character of wit, especially in a court, where, as all persons + hate and envy one another heartily, and are at the same time obliged by + the constrained behavior of civility to profess the greatest liking, so it + is, and must be, wonderfully pleasant to them to see the follies of their + acquaintance exposed by a third person. Besides, the opinion of the court + is as uniform as the fashion, and is always guided by the will of the + prince or of the favorite. I doubt not that Caligula’s horse was + universally held in his court to be a good and able consul. In the same + manner was I universally acknowledged to be the wittiest fool in the + world. Every word I said raised laughter, and was held to be a jest, + especially by the ladies, who sometimes laughed before I had discovered my + sentiment, and often repeated that as a jest which I did not even intend + as one. + </p> + <p> + “I was as severe on the ladies as on the men, and with the same impunity; + but this at last cost me dear: for once having joked on the beauty of a + lady whose name was Adelaide, a favorite of the Simple’s, she pretended to + smile and be pleased at my wit with the rest of the company; but in + reality she highly resented it, and endeavored to undermine me with the + king. In which she so greatly succeeded (for what cannot a favorite woman + do with one who deserves the surname of Simple?) that the king grew every + day more reserved to me, and when I attempted any freedom gave me such + marks of his displeasure, that the courtiers who have all hawks’ eyes at a + slight from the sovereign, soon discerned it: and indeed, had I been blind + enough not to have discovered that I had lost ground in the Simple’s favor + by his own change in his carriage towards me, I must have found it, nay + even felt it, in the behavior of the courtiers: for, as my company was two + days before solicited with the utmost eagerness, it was now rejected with + as much scorn. I was now the jest of the ushers and pages; and an officer + of the guards, on whom I was a little jocose, gave me a box on the ear, + bidding me make free with my equals. This very fellow had been my butt for + many years, without daring to lift his hand against me. + </p> + <p> + “But though I visibly perceived the alteration in the Simple, I was + utterly unable to make any guess at the occasion. I had not the least + suspicion of Adelaide; for, besides her being a very good-humored woman, I + had often made severe jests on her reputation, which I had all the reason + imaginable to believe had given her no offense. But I soon perceived that + a woman will bear the most bitter censures on her morals easier than the + smallest reflection on her beauty; for she now declared publicly, that I + ought to be dismissed from court, as the stupidest of fools, and one in + whom there was no diversion; and that she wondered how any person could + have so little taste as to imagine I had any wit. This speech was echoed + through the drawing-room, and agreed to by all present. Every one now put + on an unusual gravity on their countenance whenever I spoke; and it was as + much out of my power to raise a laugh as formerly it had been for me to + open my mouth without one. + </p> + <p> + “While my affairs were in this posture I went one day into the circle + without my fool’s dress. The Simple, who would still speak to me, cried + out, ‘So, fool, what’s the matter now?’ ‘Sir,’ answered I, ‘fools are like + to be so common a commodity at court, that I am weary of my coat.’ ‘How + dost thou mean?’ answered the Simple; ‘what can make them commoner now + than usual?’—‘O, sir,’ said I, ‘there are ladies here make your + majesty a fool every day of their lives.’ The Simple took no notice of my + jest, and several present said my bones ought to be broke for my + impudence; but it pleased the queen, who, knowing Adelaide, whom she + hated, to be the cause of my disgrace, obtained me of the king, and took + me into her service; so that I was henceforth called the queen’s fool, and + in her court received the same honor, and had as much wit, as I had + formerly had in the king’s. But as the queen had really no power unless + over her own domestics, I was not treated in general with that + complacence, nor did I receive those bribes and presents, which had once + fallen to my share. + </p> + <p> + “Nor did this confined respect continue long: for the queen, who had in + fact no taste for humor, soon grew sick of my foolery, and, forgetting the + cause for which she had taken me, neglected me so much, that her court + grew intolerable to my temper, and I broke my heart and died. + </p> + <p> + “Minos laughed heartily at several things in my story, and then, telling + me no one played the fool in Elysium, bid me go back again.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0019" id="link2HCH0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIX + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Julian appears in the character of a beggar. +</pre> + <p> + “I now returned to Rome, and was born into a very poor and numerous + family, which, to be honest with you, procured its livelihood by begging. + This, if you was never yourself of the calling, you do not know, I + suppose, to be as regular a trade as any other; to have its several rules + and secrets, or mysteries, which to learn require perhaps as tedious an + apprenticeship as those of any craft whatever. + </p> + <p> + “The first thing we are taught is the countenance miserable. This indeed + nature makes much easier to some than others; but there are none who + cannot accomplish it, if they begin early enough in youth, and before the + muscles are grown too stubborn. + </p> + <p> + “The second thing is the voice lamentable. In this qualification too, + nature must have her share in producing the most consummate excellence: + however, art will here, as in every other instance, go a great way with + industry and application, even without the assistance of genius, + especially if the student begins young. + </p> + <p> + “There are many other instructions, but these are the most considerable. + The women are taught one practice more than the men, for they are + instructed in the art of crying, that is, to have their tears ready on all + occasions: but this is attained very easily by most. Some indeed arrive at + the utmost perfection in this art with incredible facility. + </p> + <p> + “No profession requires a deeper insight into human nature than the + beggar’s. Their knowledge of the passions of men is so extensive, that I + have often thought it would be of no little service to a politician to + have his education among them. Nay, there is a much greater analogy + between these two characters than is imagined; for both concur in their + first and grand principle, it being equally their business to delude and + impose on mankind. It must be confessed that they differ widely in the + degree of advantage which they make by their deceit; for, whereas the + beggar is contented with a little, the politician leaves but a little + behind. + </p> + <p> + “A very great English philosopher hath remarked our policy, in taking care + never to address any one with a title inferior to what he really claims. + My father was of the same opinion; for I remember when I was a boy, the + pope happening to pass by, I tended him with ‘Pray, sir;’ ‘For God’s sake, + sir;’ ‘For the Lord’s sake, sir;’—To which he answered gravely, + ‘Sirrah, sirrah, you ought to be whipped for taking the Lord’s name in + vain;’ and in vain it was indeed, for he gave me nothing. My father, + overhearing this, took his advice, and whipped me very severely. While I + was under correction I promised often never to take the Lord’s name in + vain any more. My father then said, ‘Child, I do not whip you for taking + his name in vain; I whip you for not calling the pope his holiness.’ + </p> + <p> + “If all men were so wise and good to follow the clergy’s example, the + nuisance of beggars would soon be removed. I do not remember to have been + above twice relieved by them during my whole state of beggary. Once was by + a very well-looking man, who gave me a small piece of silver, and declared + he had given me more than he had left himself; the other was by a spruce + young fellow, who had that very day first put on his robes, whom I + attended with ‘Pray, reverend sir, good reverend sir, consider your + cloth.’ He answered, ‘I do, child, consider my office, and I hope all our + cloth do the same.’ He then threw down some money, and strutted off with + great dignity. + </p> + <p> + “With the women I had one general formulary: ‘Sweet pretty lady,’ ‘God + bless your ladyship,’ ‘God bless your handsome face.’ This generally + succeeded; but I observed the uglier the woman was, the surer I was of + success. + </p> + <p> + “It was a constant maxim among us, that the greater retinue any one + traveled with the less expectation we might promise ourselves from them; + but whenever we saw a vehicle with a single or no servant we imagined our + booty sure, and were seldom deceived. + </p> + <p> + “We observed great difference introduced by time and circumstance in the + same person; for instance, a losing gamester is sometimes generous, but + from a winner you will as easily obtain his soul as a single groat. A + lawyer traveling from his country seat to his clients at Rome, and a + physician going to visit a patient, were always worth asking; but the same + on their return were (according to our cant phrase) untouchable. + </p> + <p> + “The most general, and indeed the truest, maxim among us was, that those + who possessed the least were always the readiest to give. The chief art of + a beggar-man is, therefore, to discern the rich from the poor, which, + though it be only distinguishing substance from shadow, is by no means + attainable without a pretty good capacity and a vast degree of attention; + for these two are eternally industrious in endeavoring to counterfeit each + other. In this deceit the poor man is more heartily in earnest to deceive + you than the rich, who, amidst all the emblems of poverty which he puts + on, still permits some mark of his wealth to strike the eye. Thus, while + his apparel is not worth a groat, his finger wears a ring of value, or his + pocket a gold watch. In a word, he seems rather to affect poverty to + insult than impose on you. Now the poor man, on the contrary, is very + sincere in his desire of passing for rich; but the eagerness of this + desire hurries him to over-act his part, and he betrays himself as one who + is drunk by his overacted sobriety. Thus, instead of being attended by one + servant well mounted, he will have two; and, not being able to purchase or + maintain a second horse of value, one of his servants at least is mounted + on a hired rascallion. He is not contented to go plain and neat in his + clothes; he therefore claps on some tawdry ornament, and what he adds to + the fineness of his vestment he detracts from the fineness of his linen. + Without descending into more minute particulars, I believe I may assert it + as an axiom of indubitable truth, that whoever shows you he is either in + himself or his equipage as gaudy as he can, convinces you he is more so + than he can afford. Now, whenever a man’s expense exceeds his income, he + is indifferent in the degree; we had therefore nothing more to do with + such than to flatter them with their wealth and splendor, and were always + certain of success. + </p> + <p> + “There is, indeed, one kind of rich man who is commonly more liberal, + namely, where riches surprise him, as it were, in the midst of poverty and + distress, the consequence of which is, I own, sometimes excessive avarice, + but oftener extreme prodigality. I remember one of these who, having + received a pretty large sum of money, gave me, when I begged an obolus, a + whole talent; on which his friend having reproved him, he answered, with + an oath, ‘Why not? Have I not fifty left?’ + </p> + <p> + “The life of a beggar, if men estimated things by their real essence, and + not by their outward false appearance, would be, perhaps, a more desirable + situation than any of those which ambition persuades us, with such + difficulty, danger, and often villainy, to aspire to. The wants of a + beggar are commonly as chimerical as the abundance of a nobleman; for + besides vanity, which a judicious beggar will always apply to with + wonderful efficacy, there are in reality very few natures so hardened as + not to compassionate poverty and distress, when the predominancy of some + other passion doth not prevent them. + </p> + <p> + “There is one happiness which attends money got with ease, namely, that it + is never hoarded; otherwise, as we have frequent opportunities of growing + rich, that canker care might prey upon our quiet, as it doth on others; + but our money stock we spend as fast as we acquire it; usually at least, + for I speak not without exception; thus it gives us mirth only, and no + trouble. Indeed, the luxury of our lives might introduce diseases, did not + our daily exercise prevent them. This gives us an appetite and relish for + our dainties, and at the same time an antidote against the evil effects + which sloth, united with luxury, induces on the habit of a human body. Our + women we enjoy with ecstasies at least equal to what the greatest men feel + in their embraces. I can, I am assured, say of myself, that no mortal + could reap more perfect happiness from the tender passion than my fortune + had decreed me. I married a charming young woman for love; she was the + daughter of a neighboring beggar, who, with an improvidence too often + seen, spent a very large income which he procured by his profession, so + that he was able to give her no fortune down; however, at his death he + left her a very well accustomed begging-hut, situated on the side of a + steep hill, where travelers could not immediately escape from us, and a + garden adjoining, being the twenty-eighth part of an acre, well planted. + </p> + <p> + “She made the best of wives, bore me nineteen children, and never failed, + unless on her lying-in, which generally lasted three days, to get my + supper ready against my return home in an evening; this being my favorite + meal, and at which I, as well as my whole family, greatly enjoyed + ourselves; the principal subject of our discourse being generally the + boons we had that day obtained, on which occasions, laughing at the folly + of the donors made no inconsiderable part of the entertainment; for, + whatever might be their motive for giving, we constantly imputed our + success to our having flattered their vanity, or overreached their + understanding. + </p> + <p> + “But perhaps I have dwelt too long on this character; I shall conclude, + therefore, with telling you that after a life of 102 years’ continuance, + during all which I had never known any sickness or infirmity but that + which old age necessarily induced, I at last, without the least pain, went + out like the snuff of a candle. + </p> + <p> + “Minos, having heard my history, bid me compute, if I could, how many lies + I had told in my life. As we are here, by a certain fated necessity, + obliged to confine ourselves to truth, I answered, I believed about + 50,000,000. He then replied, with a frown, ‘Can such a wretch conceive any + hopes of entering Elysium?’ I immediately turned about, and, upon the + whole, was rejoiced at his not calling me back.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0020" id="link2HCH0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XX + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Julian performs the part of a statesman. +</pre> + <p> + “It was now my fortune to be born of a German princess; but a man-midwife, + pulling my head off in delivering my mother, put a speedy end to my + princely life. + </p> + <p> + “Spirits who end their lives before they are at the age of five years are + immediately ordered into other bodies; and it was now my fortune to + perform several infancies before I could again entitle myself to an + examination of Minos. + </p> + <p> + “At length I was destined once more to play a considerable part on the + stage. I was born in England, in the reign of Ethelred II. My father’s + name was Ulnoth: he was earl or thane of Sussex. I was afterwards known by + the name of earl Goodwin, and began to make a considerable figure in the + world in the time of Harold Harefoot, whom I procured to be made king of + Wessex, or the West Saxons, in prejudice of Hardicanute, whose mother Emma + endeavored afterwards to set another of her sons on the throne; but I + circumvented her, and, communicating her design to the king, at the same + time acquainted him with a project which I had formed for the murder of + these two young princes. Emma had sent for these her sons from Normandy, + with the king’s leave, whom she had deceived by her religious behavior, + and pretended neglect of all worldly affairs; but I prevailed with Harold + to invite these princes to his court, and put them to death. The prudent + mother sent only Alfred, retaining Edward to herself, as she suspected my + ill designs, and thought I should not venture to execute them on one of + her sons, while she secured the other; but she was deceived, for I had no + sooner Alfred in my possession than I caused him to be conducted to Ely, + where I ordered his eyes to be put out, and afterwards to be confined in a + monastery. + </p> + <p> + “This was one of those cruel expedients which great men satisfy themselves + well in executing, by concluding them to be necessary to the service of + their prince, who is the support of their ambition. + </p> + <p> + “Edward, the other son of Emma, escaped again to Normandy; whence, after + the death of Harold and Hardicanute, he made no scruple of applying to my + protection and favor, though he had before prosecuted me with all the + vengeance he was able, for the murder of his brother; but in all great + affairs private relation must yield to public interest. Having therefore + concluded very advantageous terms for myself with him, I made no scruple + of patronizing his cause, and soon placed him on the throne. Nor did I + conceive the least apprehension from his resentment, as I knew my power + was too great for him to encounter. + </p> + <p> + “Among other stipulated conditions, one was to marry my daughter Editha. + This Edward consented to with great reluctance, and I had afterwards no + reason to be pleased with it; for it raised her, who had been my favorite + child, to such an opinion of greatness, that, instead of paying me the + usual respect, she frequently threw in my teeth (as often at least as I + gave her any admonition), that she was now a queen, and that the character + and title of father merged in that of subject. This behavior, however, did + not cure me of my affection towards her, nor lessen the uneasiness which I + afterwards bore on Edward’s dismissing her from his bed. + </p> + <p> + “One thing which principally induced me to labor the promotion of Edward + was the simplicity or weakness of that prince, under whom I promised + myself absolute dominion under another name. Nor did this opinion deceive + me; for, during his whole reign, my administration was in the highest + degree despotic: I had everything of royalty but the outward ensigns; no + man ever applying for a place, or any kind of preferment, but to me only. + A circumstance which, as it greatly enriched my coffers, so it no less + pampered my ambition, and satisfied my vanity with a numerous attendance; + and I had the pleasure of seeing those who only bowed to the king + prostrating themselves before me. + </p> + <p> + “Edward the Confessor, or St. Edward, as some have called him, in derision + I suppose, being a very silly fellow, had all the faults incident, and + almost inseparable, to fools. He married my daughter Editha from his fear + of disobliging me; and afterwards, out of hatred to me, refused even to + consummate his marriage, though she was one of the most beautiful women of + her age. He was likewise guilty of the basest ingratitude to his mother (a + vice to which fools are chiefly, if not only, liable); and, in return for + her endeavors to procure him a throne in his youth, confined her in a + loathsome prison in her old age. This, it is true, he did by my advice; + but as to her walking over nine plowshares red-hot, and giving nine + manors, when she had not one in her possession, there is not a syllable of + veracity in it. + </p> + <p> + “The first great perplexity I fell into was on the account of my son + Swane, who had deflowered the abbess of Leon, since called Leominster, in + Herefordshire. After this fact he retired into Denmark, whence he sent to + me to obtain his pardon. The king at first refused it, being moved + thereto, as I afterwards found, by some churchmen, particularly by one of + his chaplains, whom I had prevented from obtaining a bishopric. Upon this + my son Swane invaded the coasts with several ships, and committed many + outrageous cruelties; which, indeed, did his business, as they served me + to apply to the fear of this king, which I had long since discovered to be + his predominant passion. And, at last, he who had refused pardon to his + first offense submitted to give it him after he had committed many other + more monstrous crimes; by which his pardon lost all grace to the offended, + and received double censure from all others. + </p> + <p> + “The king was greatly inclined to the Normans, had created a Norman + archbishop of Canterbury, and had heaped extraordinary favors on him. I + had no other objection to this man than that he rose without my + assistance; a cause of dislike which, in the reign of great and powerful + favorites, hath often proved fatal to the persons who have given it, as + the persons thus raised inspire us constantly with jealousies and + apprehensions. For when we promote any one ourselves, we take effectual + care to preserve such an ascendant over him, that we can at any time + reduce him to his former degree, should he dare to act in opposition to + our wills; for which reason we never suffer any to come near the prince + but such as we are assured it is impossible should be capable of engaging + or improving his affection; no prime minister, as I apprehend, esteeming + himself to be safe while any other shares the ear of his prince, of whom + we are as jealous as the fondest husband can be of his wife. Whoever, + therefore, can approach him by any other channel than that of ourselves, + is, in our opinion, a declared enemy, and one whom the first principles of + policy oblige us to demolish with the utmost expedition. For the affection + of kings is as precarious as that of women, and the only way to secure + either to ourselves is to keep all others from them. + </p> + <p> + “But the archbishop did not let matters rest on suspicion. He soon gave + open proofs of his interest with the Confessor in procuring an office of + some importance for one Rollo, a Roman of mean extraction and very + despicable parts. When I represented to the king the indecency of + conferring such an honor on such a fellow, he answered me that he was the + archbishop’s relation. ‘Then, sir,’ replied I, ‘he is related to your + enemy.’ Nothing more passed at that time; but I soon perceived, by the + archbishop’s behavior, that the king had acquainted him with our private + discourse; a sufficient assurance of his confidence in him and neglect of + me. + </p> + <p> + “The favor of princes, when once lost, is recoverable only by the gaining + a situation which may make you terrible to them. As I had no doubt of + having lost all credit with this king, which indeed had been originally + founded and constantly supported by his fear, so I took the method of + terror to regain it. + </p> + <p> + “The earl of Boulogne coming over to visit the king gave me an opportunity + of breaking out into open opposition; for, as the earl was on his return + to France, one of his servants, who was sent before to procure lodgings at + Dover, and insisted on having them in the house of a private man in spite + of the owner’s teeth, was, in a fray which ensued, killed on the spot; and + the earl himself, arriving there soon after, very narrowly escaped with + his life. The earl, enraged at this affront, returned to the king at + Gloucester with loud complaints and demands of satisfaction. Edward + consented to his demands, and ordered me to chastise the rioters, who were + under my government as earl of Kent: but, instead of obeying these orders, + I answered, with some warmth, that the English were not used to punish + people unheard, nor ought their rights and privileges to be violated; that + the accused should be first summoned—if guilty, should make + satisfaction both with body and estate, but, if innocent, should be + discharged. Adding, with great ferocity, that as earl of Kent it was my + duty to protect those under my government against the insults of + foreigners. + </p> + <p> + “This accident was extremely lucky, as it gave my quarrel with the king a + popular color, and so ingratiated me with the people, that when I set up + my standard, which I soon after did, they readily and cheerfully listed + under my banners and embraced my cause, which I persuaded them was their + own; for that it was to protect them against foreigners that I had drawn + my sword. The word foreigners with an Englishman hath a kind of magical + effect, they having the utmost hatred and aversion to them, arising from + the cruelties they suffered from the Danes and some other foreign nations. + No wonder therefore they espoused my cause in a quarrel which had such a + beginning. + </p> + <p> + “But what may be somewhat more remarkable is, that when I afterwards + returned to England from banishment, and was at the head of an army of the + Flemish, who were preparing to plunder the city of London, I still + persisted that I was come to defend the English from the danger of + foreigners, and gained their credit. Indeed, there is no lie so gross but + it may be imposed on the people by those whom they esteem their patrons + and defenders. + </p> + <p> + “The king saved his city by being reconciled to me, and taking again my + daughter, whom he had put away from him; and thus, having frightened the + king into what concessions I thought proper, I dismissed my army and + fleet, with which I intended, could I not have succeeded otherwise, to + have sacked the city of London and ravaged the whole country. + </p> + <p> + “I was no sooner re-established in the king’s favor, or, what was as well + for me, the appearance of it, than I fell violently on the archbishop. He + had of himself retired to his monastery in Normandy; but that did not + content me: I had him formally banished, the see declared vacant, and then + filled up by another. + </p> + <p> + “I enjoyed my grandeur a very short time after my restoration to it; for + the king, hating and fearing me to a very great degree, and finding no + means of openly destroying me, at last effected his purpose by poison, and + then spread abroad a ridiculous story, of my wishing the next morsel might + choke me if I had had any hand in the death of Alfred; and, accordingly, + that the next morsel, by a divine judgment, stuck in my throat and + performed that office. + </p> + <p> + “This of a statesman was one of my worst stages in the other world. It is + a post subjected daily to the greatest danger and inquietude, and attended + with little pleasure and less ease. In a word, it is a pill which, was it + not gilded over by ambition, would appear nauseous and detestable in the + eye of every one; and perhaps that is one reason why Minos so greatly + compassionates the case of those who swallow it: for that just judge told + me he always acquitted a prime minister who could produce one single good + action in his whole life, let him have committed ever so many crimes. + Indeed, I understood him a little too largely, and was stepping towards + the gate; but he pulled me by the sleeve, and, telling me no prime + minister ever entered there, bid me go back again; saying, he thought I + had sufficient reason to rejoice in my escaping the bottomless pit, which + half my crimes committed in any other capacity would have entitled me to.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0021" id="link2HCH0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXI + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Julian’s adventures in the post of a soldier. +</pre> + <p> + “I was born at Caen, in Normandy. My mother’s name was Matilda; as for my + father, I am not so certain, for the good woman on her death-bed assured + me she herself could bring her guess to no greater certainty than to five + of duke William’s captains. When I was no more than thirteen (being indeed + a surprising stout boy of my age) I enlisted into the army of duke + William, afterwards known by the name of William the Conqueror, landed + with him at Pemesey or Pemsey, in Sussex, and was present at the famous + battle of Hastings. + </p> + <p> + “At the first onset it was impossible to describe my consternation, which + was heightened by the fall of two soldiers who stood by me; but this soon + abated, and by degrees, as my blood grew warm, I thought no more of my own + safety, but fell on the enemy with great fury, and did a good deal of + execution; till, unhappily, I received a wound in my thigh, which rendered + me unable to stand any longer, so that I now lay among the dead, and was + constantly exposed to the danger of being trampled to death, as well by my + fellow-soldiers as by the enemy. However, I had the fortune to escape it, + and continued the remaining part of the day and the night following on the + ground. + </p> + <p> + “The next morning, the duke sending out parties to bring off the wounded, + I was found almost expiring with loss of blood; notwithstanding which, as + immediate care was taken to dress my wounds, youth and a robust + constitution stood my friends, and I recovered after a long and tedious + indisposition, and was again able to use my limbs and do my duty. + </p> + <p> + “As soon as Dover was taken I was conveyed thither with all the rest of + the sick and wounded. Here I recovered of my wound; but fell afterwards + into a violent flux, which, when it departed, left me so weak that it was + long before I could regain my strength. And what most afflicted me was, + that during my whole illness, when I languished under want as well as + sickness, I had daily the mortification to see and hear the riots and + excess of my fellow-soldiers, who had happily escaped safe from the + battle. + </p> + <p> + “I was no sooner well than I was ordered into garrison at Dover Castle. + The officers here fared very indifferently, but the private men much + worse. We had great scarcity of provisions, and, what was yet more + intolerable, were so closely confined for want of room (four of us being + obliged to lie on the same bundle of straw), that many died, and most + sickened. + </p> + <p> + “Here I had remained about four months, when one night we were alarmed + with the arrival of the earl of Boulogne, who had come over privily from + France, and endeavored to surprise the castle. The design proved + ineffectual; for the garrison making a brisk sally, most of his men were + tumbled down the precipice, and he returned with a very few back to + France. In this action, however, I had the misfortune to come off with a + broken arm; it was so shattered, that, besides a great deal of pain and + misery which I endured in my cure, I was disabled for upwards of three + months. + </p> + <p> + “Soon after my recovery I had contracted an amour with a young woman whose + parents lived near the garrison, and were in much better circumstances + than I had reason to expect should give their consent to the match. + However, as she was extremely fond of me (as I was indeed distractedly + enamored of her), they were prevailed on to comply with her desires, and + the day was fixed for our marriage. + </p> + <p> + “On the evening preceding, while I was exulting with the eager expectation + of the happiness I was the next day to enjoy, I received orders to march + early in the morning towards Windsor, where a large army was to be formed, + at the head of which the king intended to march into the west. Any person + who hath ever been in love may easily imagine what I felt in my mind on + receiving those orders; and what still heightened my torments was, that + the commanding officer would not permit any one to go out of the garrison + that evening; so that I had not even an opportunity of taking leave of my + beloved. + </p> + <p> + “The morning came which was to have put me in the possession of my wishes; + but, alas! the scene was now changed, and all the hopes which I had raised + were now so many ghosts to haunt, and furies to torment me. + </p> + <p> + “It was now the midst of winter, and very severe weather for the season; + when we were obliged to make very long and fatiguing marches, in which we + suffered all the inconveniences of cold and hunger. The night in which I + expected to riot in the arms of my beloved mistress I was obliged to take + up with a lodging on the ground, exposed to the inclemencies of a rigid + frost; nor could I obtain the least comfort of sleep, which shunned me as + its enemy. + </p> + <p> + “In short, the horrors of that night are not to be described, or perhaps + imagined. They made such an impression on my soul, that I was forced to be + dipped three times in the river Lethe to prevent my remembering it in the + characters which I afterwards performed in the flesh.” + </p> + <p> + Here I interrupted Julian for the first time, and told him no such dipping + had happened to me in my voyage from one world to the other: but he + satisfied me by saying “that this only happened to those spirits which + returned into the flesh, in order to prevent that reminiscence which Plato + mentions, and which would otherwise cause great confusion in the other + world.” + </p> + <p> + He then proceeded as follows: “We continued a very laborious march to + Exeter, which we were ordered to besiege. The town soon surrendered, and + his majesty built a castle there, which he garrisoned with his Normans, + and unhappily I had the misfortune to be one of the number. + </p> + <p> + “Here we were confined closer than I had been at Dover; for, as the + citizens were extremely disaffected, we were never suffered to go without + the walls of the castle; nor indeed could we, unless in large bodies, + without the utmost danger. We were likewise kept to continual duty, nor + could any solicitations prevail with the commanding officer to give me a + month’s absence to visit my love, from whom I had no opportunity of + hearing in all my long absence. + </p> + <p> + “However, in the spring, the people being more quiet, and another officer + of a gentler temper succeeding to the principal command, I obtained leave + to go to Dover; but alas! what comfort did my long journey bring me? I + found the parents of my darling in the utmost misery at her loss; for she + had died, about a week before my arrival, of a consumption, which they + imputed to her pining at my sudden departure. + </p> + <p> + “I now fell into the most violent and almost raving fit of despair. I + cursed myself, the king, and the whole world, which no longer seemed to + have any delight for me. I threw myself on the grave of my deceased love, + and lay there without any kind of sustenance for two whole days. At last + hunger, together with the persuasions of some people who took pity on me, + prevailed with me to quit that situation, and refresh myself with food. + They then persuaded me to return to my post, and abandon a place where + almost every object I saw recalled ideas to my mind which, as they said, I + should endeavor with my utmost force to expel from it. This advice at + length succeeded; the rather, as the father and mother of my beloved + refused to see me, looking on me as the innocent but certain cause of the + death of their only child. + </p> + <p> + “The loss of one we tenderly love, as it is one of the most bitter and + biting evils which attend human life, so it wants the lenitive which + palliates and softens every other calamity; I mean that great reliever, + hope. No man can be so totally undone, but that he may still cherish + expectation: but this deprives us of all such comfort, nor can anything + but time alone lessen it. This, however, in most minds, is sure to work a + slow but effectual remedy; so did it in mine: for within a twelve-month I + was entirely reconciled to my fortune, and soon after absolutely forgot + the object of a passion from which I had promised myself such extreme + happiness, and in the disappointment of which I had experienced such + inconceivable misery. + </p> + <p> + “At the expiration of the month I returned to my garrison at Exeter; where + I was no sooner arrived than I was ordered to march into the north, to + oppose a force there levied by the earls of Chester and Northumberland. We + came to York, where his majesty pardoned the heads of the rebels, and very + severely punished some who were less guilty. It was particularly my lot to + be ordered to seize a poor man who had never been out of his house, and + convey him to prison. I detested this barbarity, yet was obliged to + execute it; nay, though no reward would have bribed me in a private + capacity to have acted such a part, yet so much sanctity is there in the + commands of a monarch or general to a soldier, that I performed it without + reluctance, nor had the tears of his wife and family any prevalence with + me. + </p> + <p> + “But this, which was a very small piece of mischief in comparison with + many of my barbarities afterwards, was however, the only one which ever + gave me any uneasiness; for when the king led us afterwards into + Northumberland to revenge those people’s having joined with Osborne the + Dane in his invasion, and orders were given us to commit what ravages we + could, I was forward in fulfilling them, and, among some lesser cruelties + (I remember it yet with sorrow), I ravished a woman, murdered a little + infant playing in her lap, and then burned her house. In short, for I have + no pleasure in this part of my relation, I had my share in all the + cruelties exercised on those poor wretches; which were so grievous, that + for sixty miles together, between York and Durham, not a single house, + church, or any other public or private edifice, was left standing. + </p> + <p> + “We had pretty well devoured the country, when we were ordered to march to + the Isle of Ely, to oppose Hereward, a bold and stout soldier, who had + under him a very large body of rebels, who had the impudence to rise + against their king and conqueror (I talk now in the same style I did then) + in defense of their liberties, as they called them. These were soon + subdued; but as I happened (more to my glory than my comfort) to be posted + in that part through which Hereward cut his way, I received a dreadful cut + on the forehead, a second on the shoulder, and was run through the body + with a pike. + </p> + <p> + “I languished a long time with these wounds, which made me incapable of + attending the king into Scotland. However, I was able to go over with him + afterwards into Normandy, in his expedition against Philip, who had taken + the opportunity of the troubles in England to invade that province. Those + few Normans who bad survived their wounds, and had remained in the Isle of + Ely, were all of our nation who went, the rest of his army being all + composed of English. In a skirmish near the town of Mans my leg was broke + and so shattered that it was forced to be cut off. + </p> + <p> + “I was now disabled from serving longer in the army; and accordingly, + being discharged from the service, I retired to the place of my nativity, + where, in extreme poverty, and frequent bad health from the many wounds I + had received, I dragged on a miserable life to the age of sixty-three; my + only pleasure being to recount the feats of my youth, in which narratives + I generally exceeded the truth. + </p> + <p> + “It would be tedious and unpleasant to recount to you the several miseries + I suffered after my return to Caen; let it suffice, they were so terrible + that they induced Minos to compassionate me, and, notwithstanding the + barbarities I had been guilty of in Northumberland, to suffer me to go + once more back to earth.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0022" id="link2HCH0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + What happened to Julian in the person of a tailor. +</pre> + <p> + “Fortune now stationed me in a character which the ingratitude of mankind + hath put them on ridiculing, though they owe to it not only a relief from + the inclemencies of cold, to which they would otherwise be exposed, but + likewise a considerable satisfaction of their vanity. The character I mean + was that of a tailor; which, if we consider it with due attention, must be + confessed to have in it great dignity and importance. For, in reality, who + constitutes the different degrees between men but the tailor? the prince + indeed gives the title, but it is the tailor who makes the man. To his + labors are owing the respect of crowds, and the awe which great men + inspire into their beholders, though these are too often unjustly + attributed to other motives. Lastly, the admiration of the fair is most + commonly to be placed to his account. + </p> + <p> + “I was just set up in my trade when I made three suits of fine clothes for + king Stephen’s coronation. I question whether the person who wears the + rich coat hath so much pleasure and vanity in being admired in it, as we + tailors have from that admiration; and perhaps a philosopher would say he + is not so well entitled to it. I bustled on the day of the ceremony + through the crowd, and it was with incredible delight I heard several say, + as my clothes walked by, ‘Bless me, was ever anything so fine as the earl + of Devonshire? Sure he and Sir Hugh Bigot are the two best dressed men I + ever saw.’ Now both those suits were of my making. + </p> + <p> + “There would indeed be infinite pleasure in working for the courtiers, as + they are generally genteel men, and show one’s clothes to the best + advantage, was it not for one small discouragement; this is, that they + never pay. I solemnly protest, though I lost almost as much by the court + in my life as I got by the city, I never carried a suit into the latter + with half the satisfaction which I have done to the former; though from + that I was certain of ready money, and from this almost as certain of no + money at all. + </p> + <p> + “Courtiers may, however, be divided into two sorts, very essentially + different from each other; into those who never intend to pay for their + clothes; and those who do intend to pay for them, but never happen to be + able. Of the latter sort are many of those young gentlemen whom we equip + out for the army, and who are, unhappily for us, cut off before they + arrive at preferment. This is the reason that tailors, in time of war, are + mistaken for politicians by their inquisitiveness into the event of + battles, one campaign very often proving the ruin of half-a-dozen of us. I + am sure I had frequent reason to curse that fatal battle of Cardigan, + where the Welsh defeated some of king Stephen’s best troops, and where + many a good suit of mine unpaid for, fell to the ground. + </p> + <p> + “The gentlemen of this honorable calling have fared much better in later + ages than when I was of it; for now it seems the fashion is, when they + apprehend their customer is not in the best circumstances, if they are not + paid as soon as they carry home the suit, they charge him in their book as + much again as it is worth, and then send a gentleman with a small scrip of + parchment to demand the money. If this be not immediately paid the + gentleman takes the beau with him to his house, where he locks him up till + the tailor is contented: but in my time these scrips of parchment were not + in use; and if the beau disliked paying for his clothes, as very often + happened, we had no method of compelling him. + </p> + <p> + “In several of the characters which I have related to you, I apprehend I + have sometimes forgot myself, and considered myself as really interested + as I was when I personated them on earth. I have just now caught myself in + the fact; for I have complained to you as bitterly of my customers as I + formerly used to do when I was the tailor: but in reality, though there + were some few persons of very great quality, and some others, who never + paid their debts, yet those were but a few, and I had a method of + repairing this loss. My customers I divided under three heads: those who + paid ready money, those who paid slow, and those who never paid at all. + The first of these I considered apart by themselves, as persons by whom I + got a certain but small profit. The two last I lumped together, making + those who paid slow contribute to repair my losses by those who did not + pay at all. Thus, upon the whole, I was a very inconsiderable loser, and + might have left a fortune to my family, had I not launched forth into + expenses which swallowed up all my gains. I had a wife and two children. + These indeed I kept frugally enough, for I half starved them; but I kept a + mistress in a finer way, for whom I had a country-house, pleasantly + situated on the Thames, elegantly fitted up and neatly furnished. This + woman might very properly be called my mistress, for she was most + absolutely so; and though her tenure was no higher than by my will, she + domineered as tyrannically as if my chains had been riveted in the + strongest manner. To all this I submitted, not through any adoration of + her beauty, which was indeed but indifferent. Her charms consisted in + little wantonnesses, which she knew admirably well to use in hours of + dalliance, and which, I believe, are of all things the most delightful to + a lover. + </p> + <p> + “She was so profusely extravagant, that it seemed as if she had an actual + intent to ruin me. This I am sure of, if such had been her real intention, + she could have taken no properer way to accomplish it; nay, I myself might + appear to have had the same view: for, besides this extravagant mistress + and my country-house, I kept likewise a brace of hunters, rather for that + it was fashionable so to do than for any great delight I took in the + sport, which I very little attended; not for want of leisure, for few + noblemen had so much. All the work I ever did was taking measure, and that + only of my greatest and best customers. I scare ever cut a piece of cloth + in my life, nor was indeed much more able to fashion a coat than any + gentleman in the kingdom. This made a skillful servant too necessary to + me. He knew I must submit to any terms with, or any treatment from, him. + </p> + <p> + “He knew it was easier for him to find another such a tailor as me than + for me to procure such another workman as him: for this reason he exerted + the most notorious and cruel tyranny, seldom giving me a civil word; nor + could the utmost condescension on my side, though attended with continual + presents and rewards, and raising his wages, content or please him. In a + word, he was as absolutely my master as was ever an ambitious, industrious + prime minister over an indolent and voluptuous king. All my other + journeymen paid more respect to him than to me; for they considered my + favor as a necessary consequence of obtaining his. + </p> + <p> + “These were the most remarkable occurrences while I acted this part. Minos + hesitated a few moments, and then bid me get back again, without assigning + any reason.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0023" id="link2HCH0023"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The life of alderman Julian. +</pre> + <p> + “I now revisited England, and was born at London. My father was one of the + magistrates of that city. He had eleven children, of whom I was the + eldest. He had great success in trade, and grew extremely rich, but the + largeness of his family rendered it impossible for him to leave me a + fortune sufficient to live well on independent of business. I was + accordingly brought up to be a fishmonger, in which capacity I myself + afterwards acquired very considerable wealth. + </p> + <p> + “The same disposition of mind which in princes is called ambition is in + subjects named faction. To this temper I was greatly addicted from my + youth. I was, while a boy, a great partisan of prince John’s against his + brother Richard, during the latter’s absence in the holy war and in his + captivity. I was no more than one-and-twenty when I first began to make + political speeches in public, and to endeavor to foment disquietude and + discontent in the city. As I was pretty well qualified for this office, by + a great fluency of words, an harmonious accent, a graceful delivery, and + above all an invincible assurance, I had soon acquired some reputation + among the younger citizens, and some of the weaker and more inconsiderate + of a riper age. This, co-operating with my own natural vanity, made me + extravagantly proud and supercilious. I soon began to esteem myself a man + of some consequence, and to overlook persons every way my superiors. + </p> + <p> + “The famous Robin Hood, and his companion Little John, at this time made a + considerable figure in Yorkshire. I took upon me to write a letter to the + former, in the name of the city, inviting him to come to London, where I + assured him of very good reception, signifying to him my own great weight + and consequence, and how much I had disposed the citizens in his favor. + Whether he received this letter or no I am not certain; but he never gave + me any answer to it. + </p> + <p> + “A little afterwards one William Fitz-Osborn, or, as he was nicknamed, + William Long-Beard, began to make a figure in the city. He was a bold and + an impudent fellow, and had raised himself to great popularity with the + rabble, by pretending to espouse their cause against the rich. I took this + man’s part, and made a public oration in his favor, setting him forth as a + patriot, and one who had embarked in the cause of liberty: for which + service he did not receive me with the acknowledgments I expected. + However, as I thought I should easily gain the ascendant over this fellow, + I continued still firm on his side, till the archbishop of Canterbury, + with an armed force, put an end to his progress: for he was seized in + Bowchurch, where he had taken refuge, and with nine of his accomplices + hanged in chains. + </p> + <p> + “I escaped narrowly myself; for I was seized in the same church with the + rest, and, as I had been very considerably engaged in the enterprise, the + archbishop was inclined to make me an example; but my father’s merit, who + had advanced a considerable sum to queen Eleanor towards the king’s + ransom, preserved me. + </p> + <p> + “The consternation my danger had occasioned kept me some time quiet, and I + applied myself very assiduously to my trade. I invented all manner of + methods to enhance the price of fish, and made use of my utmost endeavors + to engross as much of the business as possible in my own hands. By these + means I acquired a substance which raised me to some little consequence in + the city, but far from elevating me to that degree which I had formerly + flattered myself with possessing at a time when I was totally + insignificant; for, in a trading society, money must at least lay the + foundation of all power and interest. + </p> + <p> + “But as it hath been remarked that the same ambition which sent Alexander + into Asia brings the wrestler on the green; and as this same ambition is + as incapable as quicksilver of lying still; so I, who was possessed + perhaps of a share equal to what hath fired the blood of any of the heroes + of antiquity, was no less restless and discontented with ease and quiet. + My first endeavors were to make myself head of my company, which Richard I + had just published, and soon afterwards I procured myself to be chosen + alderman. + </p> + <p> + “Opposition is the only state which can give a subject an opportunity of + exerting the disposition I was possessed of. Accordingly, king John was no + sooner seated on his throne than I began to oppose his measures, whether + right or wrong. It is true that monarch had faults enow. He was so + abandoned to lust and luxury, that he addicted himself to the most + extravagant excesses in both, while he indolently suffered the king of + France to rob him of almost all his foreign dominions: my opposition + therefore was justifiable enough, and if my motive from within had been as + good as the occasion from without I should have had little to excuse; but, + in truth, I sought nothing but my own preferment, by making myself + formidable to the king, and then selling to him the interest of that party + by whose means I had become so. Indeed, had the public good been my care, + however zealously I might have opposed the beginning of his reign, I + should not have scrupled to lend him my utmost assistance in this struggle + between him and pope Innocent the third, in which he was so manifestly in + the right; nor have suffered the insolence of that pope, and the power of + the king of France, to have compelled him in the issue, basely to resign + his crown into the hands of the former, and receive it again as a vassal; + by means of which acknowledgment the pope afterwards claimed this kingdom + as a tributary fief to be held of the papal chair; a claim which + occasioned great uneasiness to many subsequent princes, and brought + numberless calamities on the nation. + </p> + <p> + “As the king had, among other concessions, stipulated to pay an immediate + sum of money to Pandulph, which he had great difficulty to raise, it was + absolutely necessary for him to apply to the city, where my interest and + popularity were so high that he had no hopes without my assistance. As I + knew this, I took care to sell myself and country as high as possible. The + terms I demanded, therefore, were a place, a pension, and a knighthood. + All those were immediately consented to. I was forthwith knighted, and + promised the other two. + </p> + <p> + “I now mounted the hustings, and, without any regard to decency or + modesty, made as emphatical a speech in favor of the king as before I had + done against him. In this speech I justified all those measures which I + had before condemned, and pleaded as earnestly with my fellow-citizens to + open their purses, as I had formerly done to prevail with them to keep + them shut. But, alas! my rhetoric had not the effect I proposed. The + consequence of my arguments was only contempt to myself. The people at + first stared on one another, and afterwards began unanimously to express + their dislike. An impudent fellow among them, reflecting on my trade, + cried out, ‘Stinking fish;’ which was immediately reiterated through the + whole crowd. I was then forced to slink away home; but I was not able to + accomplish my retreat without being attended by the mob, who huzza’d me + along the street with the repeated cries of ‘Stinking fish.’ + </p> + <p> + “I now proceeded to court, to inform his majesty of my faithful service, + and how much I had suffered in his cause. I found by my first reception he + had already heard of my success. Instead of thanking me for my speech, he + said the city should repent of their obstinacy, for that he would show + them who he was: and so saying, he immediately turned that part to me to + which the toe of man hath so wonderful an affection, that it is very + difficult, whenever it presents itself conveniently, to keep our toes from + the most violent and ardent salutation of it. + </p> + <p> + “I was a little nettled at this behavior, and with some earnestness + claimed the king’s fulfilling his promise; but he retired without + answering me. I then applied to some of the courtiers, who had lately + professed great friendship to me, had eat at my house, and invited me to + theirs: but not one would return me any answer, all running away from me + as if I had been seized with some contagious distemper. I now found by + experience, that as none can be so civil, so none can be ruder than a + courtier. + </p> + <p> + “A few moments after the king’s retiring I was left alone in the room to + consider what I should do or whither I should turn myself. My reception in + the city promised itself to be equal at least with what I found at court. + However, there was my home, and thither it was necessary I should retreat + for the present. + </p> + <p> + “But, indeed, bad as I apprehended my treatment in the city would be, it + exceeded my expectation. I rode home on an ambling pad through crowds who + expressed every kind of disregard and contempt; pelting me not only with + the most abusive language, but with dirt. However, with much difficulty I + arrived at last at my own house, with my bones whole, but covered over + with filth. + </p> + <p> + “When I was got within my doors, and had shut them against the mob, who + had pretty well vented their spleen, and seemed now contented to retire, + my wife, whom I found crying over her children, and from whom I had hoped + some comfort in my afflictions, fell upon me in the most outrageous + manner. She asked me why I would venture on such a step, without + consulting her; she said her advice might have been civilly asked, if I + was resolved not to have been guided by it. That, whatever opinion I might + have conceived of her understanding, the rest of the world thought better + of it. That I had never failed when I had asked her counsel, nor ever + succeeded without it;—with much more of the same kind, too tedious + to mention; concluding that it was a monstrous behavior to desert my party + and come over to the court. + </p> + <p> + “An abuse which I took worse than all the rest, as she had been constantly + for several years assiduous in railing at the opposition, in siding with + the court-party, and begging me to come over to it; and especially after + my mentioning the offer of knighthood to her, since which time she had + continually interrupted my repose with dinning in my ears the folly of + refusing honors and of adhering to a party and to principles by which I + was certain of procuring no advantage to myself and my family. + </p> + <p> + “I had now entirely lost my trade, so that I had not the least temptation + to stay longer in a city where I was certain of receiving daily affronts + and rebukes. I therefore made up my affairs with the utmost expedition, + and, scraping together all I could, retired into the country, where I + spent the remainder of my days in universal contempt, being shunned by + everybody, perpetually abused by my wife, and not much respected by my + children. + </p> + <p> + “Minos told me, though I had been a very vile fellow, he thought my + sufferings made some atonement, and so bid me take the other trial.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0024" id="link2HCH0024"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIV + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Julian recounts what happened to him while he was a poet. +</pre> + <p> + “Rome was now the seat of my nativity, where I was born of a family more + remarkable for honor than riches. I was intended for the church, and had a + pretty good education; but my father dying while I was young, and leaving + me nothing, for he had wasted his whole patrimony, I was forced to enter + myself in the order of mendicants. + </p> + <p> + “When I was at school I had a knack of rhyming, which I unhappily mistook + for genius, and indulged to my cost; for my verses drew on me only + ridicule, and I was in contempt called the poet. + </p> + <p> + “This humor pursued me through my life. My first composition after I left + school was a panegyric on pope Alexander IV, who then pretended a project + of dethroning the king of Sicily. On this subject I composed a poem of + about fifteen thousand lines, which with much difficulty I got to be + presented to his holiness, of whom I expected great preferment as my + reward; but I was cruelly disappointed: for when I had waited a year, + without hearing any of the commendations I had flattered myself with + receiving, and being now able to contain no longer, I applied to a Jesuit + who was my relation, and had the pope’s ear, to know what his holiness’s + opinion was of my work: he coldly answered me that he was at that time + busied in concerns of too much importance to attend the reading of poems. + </p> + <p> + “However dissatisfied I might be, and really was, with this reception, and + however angry I was with the pope? for whose understanding I entertained + an immoderate contempt, I was not yet discouraged from a second attempt. + Accordingly, I soon after produced another work, entitled, The Trojan + Horse. This was an allegorical work, in which the church was introduced + into the world in the same manner as that machine had been into Troy. The + priests were the soldiers in its belly, and the heathen superstition the + city to be destroyed by them. This poem was written in Latin. I remember + some of the lines:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Mundanos scandit fatalis machina muros, + Farta sacerdotum turmis: exinde per alvum + Visi exire omnes, maguo cum murmure olentes. + Non aliter quam cum llumanis furibundus ab antris + It sonus et nares simul aura invadit hiantes. + Mille scatent et mille alii; trepidare timore + Ethnica gens coepit: falsi per inane volantes + Effugere Dei—Desertaque templa relinquunt. + Jam magnum crepitavit equus, mox orbis et alti + Ingemuere poli: tunc tu pater, ultimus omnium + Maxime Alexander, ventrem maturus equinum + Deseris, heu proles meliori digne parente.” + </pre> + <p> + “I believe Julian, had I not stopped him, would have gone through the + whole poem (for, as I observed in most of the characters he related, the + affections he had enjoyed while he personated them on earth still made + some impression on him); but I begged him to omit the sequel of the poem, + and proceed with his history. He then recollected himself, and, smiling at + the observation which by intuition he perceived I had made, continued his + narration as follows:— + </p> + <p> + “I confess to you,” says he, “that the delight in repeating our own works + is so predominant in a poet, that I find nothing can totally root it out + of the soul. Happy would it be for those persons if their hearers could be + delighted in the same manner: but alas! hence that ingens solitudo + complained of by Horace: for the vanity of mankind is so much greedier and + more general than their avarice, that no beggar is so ill received by them + as he who solicits their praise. + </p> + <p> + “This I sufficiently experienced in the character of a poet; for my + company was shunned (I believe on this account chiefly) by my whole house: + nay, there were few who would submit to hearing me read my poetry, even at + the price of sharing in my provisions. The only person who gave me + audience was a brother poet; he indeed fed me with commendation very + liberally: but, as I was forced to hear and commend in my turn, I perhaps + bought his attention dear enough. + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, if my expectations of the reward I hoped from my first poem + had balked me, I had now still greater reason to complain; for, instead of + being preferred or commended for the second, I was enjoined a very severe + penance by my superior, for ludicrously comparing the pope to a f—t. + My poetry was now the jest of every company, except some few who spoke of + it with detestation; and I found that, instead of recommending me to + preferment, it had effectually barred me from all probability of attaining + it. + </p> + <p> + “These discouragements had now induced me to lay down my pen and write no + more. But, as Juvenal says, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + —Si discedas, Laqueo tenet ambitiosi + Consuetudo mali. +</pre> + <p> + “I was an example of the truth of this assertion, for I soon betook myself + again to my muse. Indeed, a poet hath the same happiness with a man who is + dotingly fond of an ugly woman. The one enjoys his muse, and the other his + mistress, with a pleasure very little abated by the esteem of the world, + and only undervalues their taste for not corresponding with his own. + </p> + <p> + “It is unnecessary to mention any more of my poems; they had all the same + fate; and though in reality some of my latter pieces deserved (I may now + speak it without the imputation of vanity) a better success, as I had the + character of a bad writer, I found it impossible ever to obtain the + reputation of a good one. Had I possessed the merit of Homer I could have + hoped for no applause; since it must have been a profound secret; for no + one would now read a syllable of my writings. + </p> + <p> + “The poets of my age were, as I believe you know, not very famous. + However, there was one of some credit at that time, though I have the + consolation to know his works are all perished long ago. The malice, envy, + and hatred I bore this man are inconceivable to any but an author, and an + unsuccessful one; I never could bear to hear him well spoken of, and writ + anonymous satires against him, though I had received obligations from him; + indeed I believe it would have been an absolute impossibility for him at + any rate to have made me sincerely his friend. + </p> + <p> + “I have heard an observation which was made by some one of later days, + that there are no worse men than bad authors. A remark of the same kind + hath been made on ugly women, and the truth of both stands on one and the + same reason, viz., that they are both tainted with that cursed and + detestable vice of envy; which, as it is the greatest torment to the mind + it inhabits, so is it capable of introducing into it a total corruption, + and of inspiring it to the commission of the most horrid crimes + imaginable. + </p> + <p> + “My life was but short; for I soon pined myself to death with the vice I + just now mentioned. Minos told me I was infinitely too bad for Elysium; + and as for the other place, the devil had sworn he would never entertain a + poet for Orpheus’s sake: so I was forced to return again to the place from + whence I came.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0025" id="link2HCH0025"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXV + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Julian performs the parts of a knight and a dancing-master. +</pre> + <p> + “I now mounted the stage in Sicily, and became a knight-templar; but, as + my adventures differ so little from those I have recounted you in the + character of a common soldier, I shall not tire you with repetition. The + soldier and the captain differ in reality so little from one another, that + it requires an accurate judgment to distinguish them; the latter wears + finer clothes, and in times of success lives somewhat more delicately; but + as to everything else, they very nearly resemble one another. + </p> + <p> + “My next step was into France, where fortune assigned me the part of a + dancing-master. I was so expert in my profession that I was brought to + court in my youth, and had the heels of Philip de Valois, who afterwards + succeeded Charles the Fair, committed to my direction. + </p> + <p> + “I do not remember that in any of the characters in which I appeared on + earth I ever assumed to myself a greater dignity, or thought myself of + more real importance, than now. I looked on dancing as the greatest + excellence of human nature, and on myself as the greatest proficient in + it. And, indeed, this seemed to be the general opinion of the whole court; + for I was the chief instructor of the youth of both sexes, whose merit was + almost entirely defined by the advances they made in that science which I + had the honor to profess. As to myself, I was so fully persuaded of this + truth, that I not only slighted and despised those who were ignorant of + dancing, but I thought the highest character I could give any man was that + he made a graceful bow: for want of which accomplishment I had a sovereign + contempt for most persons of learning; nay, for some officers in the army, + and a few even of the courtiers themselves. + </p> + <p> + “Though so little of my youth had been thrown away in what they call + literature that I could hardly write and read, yet I composed a treatise + on education; the first rudiments of which, as I taught, were to instruct + a child in the science of coming handsomely into a room. In this I + corrected many faults of my predecessors, particularly that of being too + much in a hurry, and instituting a child in the sublimer parts of dancing + before they are capable of making their honors. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +“But as I have not now the same high opinion of my profession which I +had then, I shall not entertain you with a long history of a life which +consisted of borees and coupees. Let it suffice that I lived to a very +old age and followed my business as long as I could crawl. At length I +revisited my old friend Minos, who treated me with very little respect +and bade me dance back again to earth. + + “I did so, and was now once more born an Englishman, bred up to +the church, and at length arrived to the station of a bishop. +</pre> + <p> + “Nothing was so remarkable in this character as my always voting— <a + href="#linknote-10" name="linknoteref-10" id="linknoteref-10"><small>10</small></a>.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0029" id="link2H_4_0029"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK XIX. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0026" id="link2HCH0026"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Wherein Anna Boleyn relates the history of her life. +</pre> + <p> + “I am going now truly to recount a life which from the time of its ceasing + has been, in the other world, the continual subject of the cavils of + contending parties; the one making me as black as hell, the other as pure + and innocent as the inhabitants of this blessed place; the mist of + prejudice blinding their eyes, and zeal for what they themselves profess, + making everything appear in that light which they think most conduces to + its honor. + </p> + <p> + “My infancy was spent in my father’s house, in those childish plays which + are most suitable to that state, and I think this was one of the happiest + parts of my life; for my parents were not among the number of those who + look upon their children as so many objects of a tyrannic power, but I was + regarded as the dear pledge of a virtuous love, and all my little + pleasures were thought from their indulgence their greatest delight. At + seven years old I was carried into France with the king’s sister, who was + married to the French king, where I lived with a person of quality, who + was an acquaintance of my father’s. I spent my time in learning those + things necessary to give young persons of fashion a polite education, and + did neither good nor evil, but day passed after day in the same easy way + till I was fourteen; then began my anxiety, my vanity grew strong, and my + heart fluttered with joy at every compliment paid to my beauty: and as the + lady with whom I lived was of a gay, cheerful disposition, she kept a + great deal of company, and my youth and charms made me the continual + object of their admiration. I passed some little time in those exulting + raptures which are felt by every woman perfectly satisfied with herself + and with the behavior of others towards her: I was, when very young, + promoted to be maid of honor to her majesty. The court was frequented by a + young nobleman whose beauty was the chief subject of conversation in all + assemblies of ladies. The delicacy of his person, added to a great + softness in his manner, gave everything he said and did such an air of + tenderness, that every woman he spoke to flattered herself with being the + object of his love. I was one of those who was vain enough of my own + charms to hope to make a conquest of him whom the whole court sighed for. + I now thought every other object below my notice; yet the only pleasure I + proposed to myself in this design was, the triumphing over that heart + which I plainly saw all the ladies of the highest quality and the greatest + beauty would have been proud of possessing. I was yet too young to be very + artful; but nature, without any assistance, soon discovers to a man who is + used to gallantry a woman’s desire to be liked by him, whether that desire + arises from any particular choice she makes of him, or only from vanity. + He soon perceived my thoughts, and gratified my utmost wishes by + constantly preferring me before all other women, and exerting his utmost + gallantry and address to engage my affections. This sudden happiness, + which I then thought the greatest I could have had, appeared visible in + all my actions; I grew so gay and so full of vivacity that it made my + person appear still to a better advantage, all my acquaintance pretending + to be fonder of me than ever: though, young as I was, I plainly saw it was + but pretense, for through all their endeavors to the contrary envy would + often break forth in sly insinuations and malicious sneers, which gave me + fresh matter of triumph, and frequent opportunities of insulting them, + which I never let slip, for now first my female heart grew sensible of the + spiteful pleasure of seeing another languish for what I enjoyed. Whilst I + was in the height of my happiness her majesty fell ill of a languishing + distemper, which obliged her to go into the country for the change of air: + my place made it necessary for me to attend her, and which way he brought + it about I can’t imagine, but my young hero found means to be one of that + small train that waited on my royal mistress, although she went as + privately as possible. Hitherto all the interviews I had ever had with him + were in public, and I only looked on him as the fitter object to feed that + pride which had no other view but to show its power; but now the scene was + quite changed. My rivals, were all at a distance: the place we went to was + as charming as the most agreeable natural situation, assisted by the + greatest art, could make it; the pleasant solitary walks the singing of + birds, the thousand pretty romantic scenes this delightful place afforded, + gave a sudden turn to my mind; my whole soul was melted into softness, and + all my vanity was fled. My spark was too much used to affairs of this + nature not to perceive this change; at first the profuse transports of his + joy made me believe him wholly mine, and this belief gave me such + happiness that no language affords words to express it, and can be only + known to those who have felt it. But this was of a very short duration, + for I soon found I had to do with one of those men whose only end in the + pursuit of a woman is to make her fall a victim to an insatiable desire to + be admired. His designs had succeeded, and now he every day grew colder, + and, as if by infatuation, my passion every day increased; and, + notwithstanding all my resolutions and endeavors to the contrary, my rage + at the disappointment at once both of my love and pride, and at the + finding a passion fixed in my breast I knew not how to conquer, broke out + into that inconsistent behavior which must always be the consequence of + violent passions. One moment I reproached him, the next I grew to + tenderness and blamed myself, and thought I fancied what was not true: he + saw my struggle and triumphed in it; but, as he had not witnesses enough + there of his victory to give him the full enjoyment of it, he grew weary + of the country and returned to Paris, and left me in a condition it is + utterly impossible to describe. My mind was like a city up in arms, all + confusion; and every new thought was a fresh disturber of my peace. Sleep + quite forsook me, and the anxiety I suffered threw me into a fever which + had like to have cost me my life. With great care I recovered, but the + violence of the distemper left such a weakness on my body that the + disturbance of my mind was greatly assuaged; and now I began to comfort + myself in the reflection that this gentleman’s being a finished coquette + was very likely the only thing could have preserved me; for he was the + only man from whom I was ever in any danger. By that time I was got + tolerably well we returned to Paris; and I confess I both wished and + feared to see this cause of all my pain: however, I hoped, by the help of + my resentment, to be able to meet him with indifference. This employed my + thoughts till our arrival. The next day there was a very full court to + congratulate the queen on her recovery; and amongst the rest my love + appeared dressed and adorned as if he designed some new conquest. Instead + of seeing a woman he despised and slighted, he approached me with that + assured air which is common to successful coxcombs. At the same time I + perceived I was surrounded by all those ladies who were on his account my + greatest enemies, and, in revenge, wished for nothing more than to see me + make a ridiculous figure. This situation so perplexed my thoughts, that + when he came near enough to speak to me, I fainted away in his arms. Had I + studied which way I could gratify him most, it was impossible to have done + anything to have pleased him more. Some that stood by brought + smelling-bottles, and used means for my recovery; and I was welcomed to + returning life by all those repartees which women enraged by envy are + capable of venting. One cried ‘Well, I never thought my lord had anything + so frightful in his person or so fierce in his manner as to strike a young + lady dead at the sight of him.’ ‘No, no,’ says another, ‘some ladies’ + senses are more apt to be hurried by agreeable than disagreeable objects.’ + With many more such sort of speeches which showed more malice than wit. + This not being able to bear, trembling, and with but just strength enough + to move, I crawled to my coach and hurried home. When I was alone, and + thought on what had happened to me in a public court, I was at first + driven to the utmost despair; but afterwards, when I came to reflect, I + believe this accident contributed more to my being cured of my passion + than any other could have done. I began to think the only method to pique + the man who had used me so barbarously, and to be revenged on my spiteful + rivals, was to recover that beauty which was then languid and had lost its + luster, to let them see I had still charms enough to engage as many lovers + as I could desire, and that I could yet rival them who had thus cruelly + insulted me. These pleasing hopes revived my sinking spirits, and worked a + more effectual cure on me than all the philosophy and advice of the wisest + men could have done. I now employed all my time and care in adorning my + person, and studying the surest means of engaging the affections of + others, while I myself continued quite indifferent; for I resolved for the + future, if ever one soft thought made its way to my heart, to fly the + object of it, and by new lovers to drive the image from my breast. I + consulted my glass every morning, and got such a command of my countenance + that I could suit it to the different tastes of variety of lovers; and + though I was young, for I was not yet above seventeen, yet my public way + of life gave me such continual opportunities of conversing with men, and + the strong desire I now had of pleasing them led me to make such constant + observations on everything they said or did, that I soon found out the + different methods of dealing with them. I observed that most men generally + liked in women what was most opposite to their own characters; therefore + to the grave solid man of sense I endeavored to appear sprightly and full + of spirit; to the witty and gay, soft and languishing; to the amorous (for + they want no increase of their passions), cold and reserved; to the + fearful and backward, warm and full of fire; and so of all the rest. As to + beaux, and all of those sort of men, whose desires are centered in the + satisfaction of their vanity, I had learned by sad experience the only way + to deal with them was to laugh at them and let their own good opinion of + themselves be the only support of their hopes. I knew, while I could get + other followers, I was sure of them; for the only sign of modesty they + ever give is that of not depending on their own judgments, but following + the opinions of the greatest number. Thus furnished with maxims, and grown + wise by past errors, I in a manner began the world again: I appeared in + all public places handsomer and more lively than ever, to the amazement of + every one who saw me and had heard of the affair between me and my lord. + He himself was much surprised and vexed at this sudden change, nor could + he account how it was possible for me so soon to shake off those chains he + thought he had fixed on me for life; nor was he willing to lose his + conquest in this manner. He endeavored by all means possible to talk to me + again of love, but I stood fixed to my resolution (in which I was greatly + assisted by the crowd of admirers that daily surrounded me) never to let + him explain himself: for, notwithstanding all my pride, I found the first + impression the heart receives of love is so strong that it requires the + most vigilant care to prevent a relapse. Now I lived three years in a + constant round of diversions, and was made the perfect idol of all the men + that came to court of all ages and all characters. I had several good + matches offered me, but I thought none of them equal to my merit; and one + of my greatest pleasures was to see those women who had pretended to rival + me often glad to marry those whom I had refused. Yet, notwithstanding this + great success of my schemes, I cannot say I was perfectly happy; for every + woman that was taken the least notice of, and every man that was + insensible to my arts, gave me as much pain as all the rest gave me + pleasure; and sometimes little underhand plots which were laid against my + designs would succeed in spite of my care: so that I really began to grow + weary of this manner of life, when my father, returning from his embassy + in France, took me home with him, and carried me to a little pleasant + country-house, where there was nothing grand or superfluous, but + everything neat and agreeable. There I led a life perfectly solitary. At + first the time hung very heavy on my hands, and I wanted all kind of + employment, and I had very like to have fallen into the height of the + vapors, from no other reason but from want of knowing what to do with + myself. But when I had lived here a little time I found such a calmness in + my mind, and such a difference between this and the restless anxieties I + had experienced in a court, that I began to share the tranquillity that + visibly appeared in everything round me. I set myself to do works of + fancy, and to raise little flower-gardens, with many such innocent rural + amusements; which, although they are not capable of affording any great + pleasure, yet they give that serene turn to the mind which I think much + preferable to anything else human nature is made susceptible of. I now + resolved to spend the rest of my days here, and that nothing should allure + me from that sweet retirement, to be again tossed about with tempestuous + passions of any kind. Whilst I was in this situation, my lord Percy, the + earl of Northumberland’s eldest son, by an accident of losing his way + after a fox-chase, was met by my father, about a mile from our house; he + came home with him, only with a design of dining with us, but was so taken + with me that he stayed three days. I had too much experience in all + affairs of this kind not to see presently the influence I had on him; but + I was at that time so entirely free from all ambition, that even the + prospect of being a countess had no effect on me; and I then thought + nothing in the world could have bribed me to have changed my way of life. + This young lord, who was just in his bloom, found his passion so strong, + he could not endure a long absence, but returned again in a week, and + endeavored, by all the means he could think of, to engage me to return his + affection. He addressed me with that tenderness and respect which women on + earth think can flow from nothing but real love; and very often told me + that, unless he could be so happy as by his assiduity and care to make + himself agreeable to me, although he knew my father would eagerly embrace + any proposal from him, yet he would suffer that last of miseries of never + seeing me more rather than owe his own happiness to anything that might be + the least contradiction to my inclinations. This manner of proceeding had + something in it so noble and generous, that by degrees it raised a + sensation in me which I know not how to describe, nor by what name to call + it: it was nothing like my former passion: for there was no turbulence, no + uneasy waking nights attending it, but all I could with honor grant to + oblige him appeared to me to be justly due to his truth and love, and more + the effect of gratitude than of any desire of my own. The character I had + heard of him from my father at my first returning to England, in + discoursing of the young nobility, convinced me that if I was his wife I + should have the perpetual satisfaction of knowing every action of his must + be approved by all the sensible part of mankind; so that very soon I began + to have no scruple left but that of leaving my little scene of quietness, + and venturing again into the world. But this, by his continual application + and submissive behavior, by degrees entirely vanished, and I agreed he + should take his own time to break it to my father, whose consent he was + not long in obtaining; for such a match was by no means to be refused. + There remained nothing now to be done but to prevail with the earl of + Northumberland to comply with what his son so ardently desired; for which + purpose he set out immediately for London, and begged it as the greatest + favor that I would accompany my father, who was also to go thither the + week following. I could not refuse his request, and as soon as we arrived + in town he flew to me with the greatest raptures to inform me his father + was so good that, finding his happiness depended on his answer, he had + given him free leave to act in this affair as would best please himself, + and that he had now no obstacle to prevent his wishes. It was then the + beginning of the winter, and the time for our marriage was fixed for the + latter end of March: the consent of all parties made his access to me very + easy, and we conversed together both with innocence and pleasure. As his + fondness was so great that he contrived all the methods possible to keep + me continually in his sight, he told me one morning he was commanded by + his father to attend him to court that evening, and begged I would be so + good as to meet him there. I was now so used to act as he would have me + that I made no difficulty of complying with his desire. Two days after + this, I was very much surprised at perceiving such a melancholy in his + countenance, and alteration in his behavior, as I could no way account + for; but, by importunity, at last I got from him that cardinal Wolsey, for + what reason he knew not, had peremptorily forbid him to think any more of + me: and, when he urged that his father was not displeased with it, the + cardinal, in his imperious manner, answered him, he should give his father + such convincing reasons why it would be attended with great + inconveniences, that he was sure he could bring him to be of his opinion. + On which he turned from him, and gave him no opportunity of replying. I + could not imagine what design the cardinal could have in intermeddling in + this match, and I was still more perplexed to find that my father treated + my lord Percy with much more coldness than usual; he too saw it, and we + both wondered what could possibly be the cause of all this. But it was not + long before the mystery was all made clear by my father, who, sending for + me one day into his chamber, let me into a secret which was as little + wished for as expected. He began with the surprising effects of youth and + beauty, and the madness of letting go those advantages they might procure + us till it was too late, when we might wish in vain to bring them back + again. I stood amazed at this beginning; he saw my confusion, and bid me + sit down and attend to what he was going to tell me, which was of the + greatest consequence; and he hoped I would be wise enough to take his + advice, and act as he should think best for my future welfare. He then + asked me if I should not be much pleased to be a queen? I answered, with + the greatest earnestness, that, so far from it, I would not live in a + court again to be the greatest queen in the world; that I had a lover who + was both desirous and able to raise my station even beyond my wishes. I + found this discourse was very displeasing; my father frowned, and called + me a romantic fool, and said if I would hearken to him he could make me a + queen; for the cardinal had told him that the king, from the time he saw + me at court the other night, liked me, and intended to get a divorce from + his wife, and to put me in her place; and ordered him to find some method + to make me a maid of honor to her present majesty, that in the meantime he + might have an opportunity of seeing me. It is impossible to express the + astonishment these words threw me into; and, notwithstanding that the + moment before, when it appeared at so great a distance, I was very sincere + in my declaration how much it was against my will to be raised so high, + yet now the prospect came nearer, I confess my heart fluttered, and my + eyes were dazzled with a view of being seated on a throne. + </p> + <p> + “My imagination presented before me all the pomp, power and greatness that + attend a crown; and I was so perplexed I knew not what to answer, but + remained as silent as if I had lost the use of my speech. My father, who + guessed what it was that made me in this condition, proceeded to bring all + the arguments he thought most likely to bend me to his will; at last I + recovered from this dream of grandeur, and begged him, by all the most + endearing names I could think of, not to urge me dishonorably to forsake + the man who I was convinced would raise me to an empire if in his power, + and who had enough in his power to give me all I desired. But he was deaf + to all I could say, and insisted that by next week I should prepare myself + to go to court: he bid me consider of it, and not prefer a ridiculous + notion of honor to the real interest of my whole family; but, above all + things, not to disclose what he had trusted me with. On which he left me + to my own thoughts. When I was alone I reflected how little real + tenderness this behavior showed to me, whose happiness he did not at all + consult, but only looked on me as a ladder, on which he could climb to the + height of his own ambitious desires: and when I thought on his fondness + for me in my infancy I could impute it to nothing but either the liking me + as a plaything or the gratification of his vanity in my beauty. But I was + too much divided between a crown and my engagement to lord Percy to spend + much time in thinking of anything else; and, although my father had + positively forbid me, yet, when he came next, I could not help acquainting + him with all that had passed, with the reserve only of the struggle in my + own mind on the first mention of being a queen. I expected he would have + received the news with the greatest agonies; but he showed no vast + emotion: however, he could not help turning pale, and, taking me by the + hand, looked at me with an air of tenderness, and said, ‘If being a queen + would make you happy, and it is in your power to be so, I would not for + the world prevent it, let me suffer what I will.’ This amazing greatness + of mind had on me quite the contrary effect from what it ought to have + had; for, instead of increasing my love for him it almost put an end to + it, and I began to think, if he could part with me, the matter was not + much. And I am convinced, when any man gives up the possession of a woman + whose consent he has once obtained, let his motive be ever so generous, he + will disoblige her. I could not help showing my dissatisfaction, and told + him I was very glad this affair sat so easily on him. He had not power to + answer, but was so suddenly struck with this unexpected ill-natured turn I + gave his behavior, that he stood amazed for some time, and then bowed and + left me. Now I was again left to my own reflections; but to make anything + intelligible out of them is quite impossible: I wished to be a queen, and + wished I might not be one: I would have my lord Percy happy without me; + and yet I would not have the power of my charms be so weak that he could + bear the thought of life after being disappointed in my love. But the + result of all these confused thoughts was a resolution to obey my father. + I am afraid there was not much duty in the case, though at that time I was + glad to take hold of that small shadow to save me from looking on my own + actions in the true light. When my lover came again I looked on him with + that coldness that he could not bear, on purpose to rid myself of all + importunity: for since I had resolved to use him ill I regarded him as the + monument of my shame, and his every look appeared to me to upbraid me. My + father soon carried me to court; there I had no very hard part to act; + for, with the experience I had had of mankind, I could find no great + difficulty in managing a man who liked me, and for whom I not only did not + care but had an utter aversion to: but this aversion he believed to be + virtue; for how credulous is a man who has an inclination to believe! And + I took care sometimes to drop words of cottages and love, and how happy + the woman was who fixed her affections on a man in such a station of life + that she might show her love without being suspected of hypocrisy or + mercenary views. All this was swallowed very easily by the amorous king, + who pushed on the divorce with the utmost impetuosity, although the affair + lasted a good while, and I remained most part of the time behind the + curtain. Whenever the king mentioned it to me I used such arguments + against it as I thought the most likely to make him the more eager for it; + begging that, unless his conscience was really touched, he would not on my + account give any grief to his virtuous queen; for in being her handmaid I + thought myself highly honored; and that I would not only forego a crown, + but even give up the pleasure of ever seeing him more, rather than wrong + my royal mistress. This way of talking, joined to his eager desire to + possess my person, convinced the king so strongly of my exalted merit, + that he thought it a meritorious act to displace the woman (whom he could + not have so good an opinion of, because he was tired of her), and to put + me in her place. After about a year’s stay at court, as the king’s love to + me began to be talked of, it was thought proper to remove me, that there + might be no umbrage given to the queen’s party. I was forced to comply + with this, though greatly against my will; for I was very jealous that + absence might change the king’s mind. I retired again with my father to + his country-seat, but it had no longer those charms for me which I once + enjoyed there; for my mind was now too much taken up with ambition to make + room for any other thoughts. During my stay here, my royal lover often + sent gentlemen to me with messages and letters, which I always answered in + the manner I thought would best bring about my designs, which were to come + back again to court. In all the letters that passed between us there was + something so kingly and commanding in his, and so deceitful and submissive + in mine, that I sometimes could not help reflecting on the difference + betwixt this correspondence and that with lord Percy; yet I was so pressed + forward by the desire of a crown, I could not think of turning back. In + all I wrote I continually praised his resolution of letting me be at a + distance from him, since at this time it conduced indeed to my honor; but, + what was of ten times more weight with me, I thought it was necessary for + his; and I would sooner suffer anything in the world than be any means of + hurt to him, either in his interest or reputation. I always gave some + hints of ill health, with some reflections how necessary the peace of the + mind was to that of the body. By these means I brought him to recall me + again by the most absolute command, which I, for a little time, artfully + delayed (for I knew the impatience of his temper would not bear any + contradictions), till he made my father in a manner force me to what I + most wished, with the utmost appearance of reluctance on my side. When I + had gained this point I began to think which way I could separate the king + from the queen, for hitherto they lived in the same house. The lady Mary, + the queen’s daughter, being then about sixteen, I sought for emissaries of + her own age that I could confide in, to instill into her mind + disrespectful thoughts of her father, and make a jest of the tenderness of + his conscience about the divorce. I knew she had naturally strong + passions, and that young people of that age are apt to think those that + pretend to be their friends are really so, and only speak their minds + freely. I afterwards contrived to have every word she spoke of him carried + to the king, who took it all as I could wish, and fancied those things did + not come at first from the young lady, but from her mother. He would often + talk of it to me, and I agreed with him in his sentiments; but then, as a + great proof of my goodness, I always endeavored to excuse her, by saying a + lady so long time used to be a royal queen might naturally be a little + exasperated with those she fancied would throw her from that station she + so justly deserved. By these sort of plots I found the way to make the + king angry with the queen; for nothing is easier than to make a man angry + with a woman he wants to be rid of, and who stands in the way between him + and his pleasure; so that now the king, on the pretense of the queen’s + obstinacy in a point where his conscience was so tenderly concerned, + parted with her. Everything was now plain before me; I had nothing farther + to do but to let the king alone to his own desires; and I had no reason to + fear, since they had carried him so far, but that they would urge him on + to do everything I aimed at. I was created marchioness of Pembroke. This + dignity sat very easy on me; for the thoughts of a much higher title took + from me all feeling of this; and I looked upon being a marchioness as a + trifle, not that I saw the bauble in its true light, but because it fell + short of what I had figured to myself I should soon obtain. The king’s + desires grew very impatient, and it was not long before I was privately + married to him. I was no sooner his wife than I found all the queen come + upon me; I felt myself conscious of royalty, and even the faces of my most + intimate acquaintance seemed to me to be quite strange. I hardly knew + them: height had turned my head, and I was like a man placed on a + monument, to whose sight all creatures at a great distance below him + appear like so many little pigmies crawling about on the earth; and the + prospect so greatly delighted me, that I did not presently consider that + in both cases descending a few steps erected by human hands would place us + in the number of those very pigmies who appeared so despicable. Our + marriage was kept private for some time, for it was not thought proper to + make it public (the affair of the divorce not being finished) till the + birth of my daughter Elizabeth made it necessary. But all who saw me knew + it; for my manner of speaking and acting was so much changed with my + station, that all around me plainly perceived I was sure I was a queen. + While it was a secret I had yet something to wish for; I could not be + perfectly satisfied till all the world was acquainted with my fortune: but + when my coronation was over, and I was raised to the height of my + ambition, instead of finding myself happy, I was in reality more miserable + than ever; for, besides that the aversion I had naturally to the king was + much more difficult to dissemble after marriage than before, and grew into + a perfect detestation, my imagination, which had thus warmly pursued a + crown, grew cool when I was in the possession of it, and gave me time to + reflect what mighty matter I had gained by all this bustle; and I often + used to think myself in the case of the fox-hunter, who, when he has + toiled and sweated all day in the chase as if some unheard-of blessing was + to crown his success, finds at last all he has got by his labor is a + stinking nauseous animal. But my condition was yet worse than his; for he + leaves the loathsome wretch to be torn by his hounds, whilst I was obliged + to fondle mine, and meanly pretend him to be the object of my love. For + the whole time I was in this envied, this exalted state, I led a continual + life of hypocrisy, which I now know nothing on earth can compensate. I had + no companion but the man I hated. I dared not disclose my sentiments to + any person about me, nor did any one presume to enter into any freedom of + conversation with me; but all who spoke to me talked to the queen, and not + to me; for they would have said just the same things to a dressed-up + puppet, if the king had taken a fancy to call it his wife. And as I knew + every woman in the court was my enemy, from thinking she had much more + right than I had to the place I filled, I thought myself as unhappy as if + I had been placed in a wild wood, where there was no human creature for me + to speak to, in a continual fear of leaving any traces of my footsteps, + lest I should be found by some dreadful monster, or stung by snakes and + adders; for such are spiteful women to the objects of their envy. In this + worst of all situations I was obliged to hide my melancholy and appear + cheerful. This threw me into an error the other way, and I sometimes fell + into a levity in my behavior that was afterwards made use of to my + disadvantage. I had a son deadborn, which I perceived abated something of + the king’s ardor; for his temper could not brook the least disappointment. + This gave me no uneasiness; for, not considering the consequences, I could + not help being best pleased when I had least of his company. Afterwards I + found he had cast his eyes on one of my maids of honor; and, whether it + was owing to any art of hers, or only to the king’s violent passions, I + was in the end used even worse than my former mistress had been by my + means. The decay of the king’s affection was presently seen by all those + court-sycophants who continually watch the motions of royal eyes; and the + moment they found they could be heard against me they turned my most + innocent actions and words, nay, even my very looks, into proofs of the + blackest crimes. The king, who was impatient to enjoy his new love, lent a + willing ear to all my accusers, who found ways of making him jealous that + I was false to his bed. He would not so easily have believed anything + against me before, but he was now glad to flatter himself that he had + found a reason to do just what he had resolved upon without a reason; and + on some slight pretenses and hearsay evidence I was sent to the Tower, + where the lady who was my greatest enemy was appointed to watch me and lie + in the same chamber with me. This was really as bad a punishment as my + death, for she insulted me with those keen reproaches and spiteful + witticisms, which threw me into such vapors and violent fits that I knew + not what I uttered in this condition. She pretended I had confessed + talking ridiculous stuff with a set of low fellows whom I had hardly ever + taken notice of, as could have imposed on none but such as were resolved + to believe. I was brought to my trial, and, to blacken me the more, + accused of conversing criminally with my own brother, whom indeed I loved + extremely well, but never looked on him in any other light than as my + friend. However, I was condemned to be beheaded, or burnt, as the king + pleased; and he was graciously pleased, from the great remains of his + love, to choose the mildest sentence. I was much less shocked at this + manner of ending my life than I should have been in any other station: but + I had had so little enjoyment from the time I had been a queen, that death + was the less dreadful to me. The chief things that lay on my conscience + were the arts I made use of to induce the king to part with the queen, my + ill usage of lady Mary, and my jilting lord Percy. However, I endeavored + to calm my mind as well as I could, and hoped these crimes would be + forgiven me; for in other respects I had led a very innocent life, and + always did all the good-natured actions I found any opportunity of doing. + From the time I had it in my power, I gave a great deal of money amongst + the poor; I prayed very devoutly, and went to my execution very + composedly. Thus I lost my life at the age of twenty-nine, in which short + time I believe I went through more variety of scenes than many people who + live to be very old. I had lived in a court, where I spent my time in + coquetry and gayety; I had experienced what it was to have one of those + violent passions which makes the mind all turbulence and anxiety; I had + had a lover whom I esteemed and valued, and at the latter part of my life + I was raised to a station as high as the vainest woman could wish. But in + all these various changes I never enjoyed any real satisfaction, unless in + the little time I lived retired in the country free from all noise and + hurry, and while I was conscious I was the object of the love and esteem + of a man of sense and honor.” + </p> + <p> + On the conclusion of this history Minos paused for a small time, and then + ordered the gate to be thrown open for Anna Boleyn’s admittance on the + consideration that whoever had suffered being the queen for four years, + and been sensible during all that time of the real misery which attends + that exalted station, ought to be forgiven whatever she had done to obtain + it. <a href="#linknote-11" name="linknoteref-11" id="linknoteref-11"><small>11</small></a> + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_FOOT" id="link2H_FOOT"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Footnotes: + </h2> + <p> + <a name="linknote-1" id="linknote-1"> + <!-- Note --></a> + </p> + <p class="foot"> + 1 (<a href="#linknoteref-1">return</a>)<br /> [ Some doubt whether this + should not be rather 1641, which is a date more agreeable to the account + given of it in the introduction: but then there are some passages which + seem to relate to transactions infinitely later, even within this year or + two. To say the truth there are difficulties attending either conjecture; + so the reader may take which he pleases.] + </p> + <p> + <a name="linknote-2" id="linknote-2"> + <!-- Note --></a> + </p> + <p class="foot"> + 2 (<a href="#linknoteref-2">return</a>)<br /> [ Eyes are not perhaps so + properly adapted to a spiritual substance; but we are here, as in many + other places, obliged to use corporeal terms to make ourselves the better + understood. ] + </p> + <p> + <a name="linknote-3" id="linknote-3"> + <!-- Note --></a> + </p> + <p class="foot"> + 3 (<a href="#linknoteref-3">return</a>)<br /> [ This is the dress in which + the god appears to mortals at the theaters. One of the offices attributed + to this god by the ancients, was to collect the ghosts as a shepherd doth + a flock of sheep, and drive them with his wand into the other world.] + </p> + <p> + <a name="linknote-4" id="linknote-4"> + <!-- Note --></a> + </p> + <p class="foot"> + 4 (<a href="#linknoteref-4">return</a>)<br /> [ Those who have read of the + gods sleeping in Homer will not be surprised at this happening to + spirits.] + </p> + <p> + <a name="linknote-5" id="linknote-5"> + <!-- Note --></a> + </p> + <p class="foot"> + 5 (<a href="#linknoteref-5">return</a>)<br /> [ A particular lady of + quality is meant here; but every lady of quality, or no quality, are + welcome to apply the character to themselves.] + </p> + <p> + <a name="linknote-6" id="linknote-6"> + <!-- Note --></a> + </p> + <p class="foot"> + 6 (<a href="#linknoteref-6">return</a>)<br /> [ We have before made an + apology for this language, which we here repeat for the last time; though + the heart may, we hope, be metaphorically used here with more propriety + than when we apply those passions to the body which belong to the soul.] + </p> + <p> + <a name="linknote-7" id="linknote-7"> + <!-- Note --></a> + </p> + <p class="foot"> + 7 (<a href="#linknoteref-7">return</a>)<br /> [ That we may mention it once + for all, in the panegyrical part of this work some particular person is + always meant: but, in the satirical, nobody.] + </p> + <p> + <a name="linknote-8" id="linknote-8"> + <!-- Note --></a> + </p> + <p class="foot"> + 8 (<a href="#linknoteref-8">return</a>)<br /> [ These ladies, I believe, by + their names, presided over the leprosy, king’s-evil, and scurvy.] + </p> + <p> + <a name="linknote-9" id="linknote-9"> + <!-- Note --></a> + </p> + <p class="foot"> + 9 (<a href="#linknoteref-9">return</a>)<br /> [ This silly story is told as + a solemn truth (i.e., that St. James really appeared in the manner this + fellow is described) by Mariana, 1.7, Section 78.] + </p> + <p> + <a name="linknote-10" id="linknote-10"> + <!-- Note --></a> + </p> + <p class="foot"> + 10 (<a href="#linknoteref-10">return</a>)<br /> [ Here part of the + manuscript is lost, and that a very considerable one, as appears by the + number of the next book and chapter, which contains, I find, the history + of Anna Boleyn; but as to the manner in which it was introduced, or to + whom the narrative is told, we are totally left in the dark. I have only + to remark, that this chapter is, in the original, writ in a woman’s hand: + and, though the observations in it are, I think, as excellent as any in + the whole volume, there seems to be a difference in style between this and + the preceding chapters; and, as it is the character of a woman which is + related, I am inclined to fancy it was really written by one of that sex.] + </p> + <p> + <a name="linknote-11" id="linknote-11"> + <!-- Note --></a> + </p> + <p class="foot"> + 11 (<a href="#linknoteref-11">return</a>)<br /> [ Here ends this curious + manuscript; the rest being destroyed in rolling up pens, tobacco, &c. + It is to be hoped heedless people will henceforth be more cautious what + they burn, or use to other vile purposes; especially when they consider + the fate which had likely to have befallen the divine Milton, and that the + works of Homer were probably discovered in some chandlers shop in Greece.] + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 1147 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..08c1d56 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #1147 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/1147) diff --git a/old/1147-0.txt b/old/1147-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5e922bb --- /dev/null +++ b/old/1147-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4713 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of From This World to the Next, by Henry Fielding + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: From This World to the Next + +Author: Henry Fielding + +Release Date: July 27, 2008 [EBook #1147] +Last Updated: November 5, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FROM THIS WORLD TO THE NEXT *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller + + + + + +A JOURNEY FROM THIS WORLD TO THE NEXT + + + +By Henry Fielding + + +CONTENTS: + +INTRODUCTION + + BOOK I + + + CHAPTER I. + The author dies, meets with Mercury, and is by him conducted to + the stage which sets out for the other world + + + CHAPTER II. + In which the author first refutes some idle opinions concerning + spirits, and then the passengers relate their several deaths. + + + CHAPTER III. + The adventures we met with in the City of Diseases + + + CHAPTER IV. + Discourses on the road, and a description of the palace of Death + + + CHAPTER V. + The travelers proceed on their journey, and meet several spirits + who are coming into the flesh + + + CHAPTER VI. + An account of the wheel of fortune, with a method of preparing a + spirit for this world + + + CHAPTER VII. + The proceedings of judge Minos at the gate of Elysium + + + CHAPTER VIII. + The adventures which the author met on his first entrance into Elysium + + + CHAPTER IX. + More adventures in Elysium + + CHAPTER X. + The author is surprised at meeting Julian the apostate in Elysium; + but is satisfied by him by what means he procured his entrance there. + Julian relates his adventures in the character of a slave + + CHAPTER XI. + In which Julian relates his adventures in the character of an + avaricious Jew + + CHAPTER XII. + What happened to Julian in the characters of a general, an heir, + a carpenter, and a beau + + CHAPTER XIII. + Julian passes into a fop + + CHAPTER XIV. + Adventures in the person of a monk + + CHAPTER XV. + Julian passes into the character of a fiddler + + CHAPTER XVI. + The history of the wise man + + CHAPTER XVII. + Julian enters into the person of a king + + CHAPTER XVIII. + Julian passes into a fool + + CHAPTER XIX. + Julian appears in the character of a beggar + + CHAPTER XX. + Julian performs the part of a statesman + + CHAPTER XXI. + Julian’s adventures in the post of a soldier + + CHAPTER XXII. + What happened to Julian in the person of a tailor + + CHAPTER XXIII. + The life of alderman Julian + + CHAPTER XXIV. + Julian recounts what happened to him while he was a poet + + CHAPTER XXV. + Julian performs the parts of a knight and a dancing-master + + + BOOK II. + + CHAPTER VII. + Wherein Anna Boleyn relates the history of her life + + + + + +A JOURNEY FROM THIS WORLD TO THE NEXT + + + + +INTRODUCTION + +Whether the ensuing pages were really the dream or vision of some very +pious and holy person; or whether they were really written in the other +world, and sent back to this, which is the opinion of many (though +I think too much inclining to superstition); or lastly, whether, as +infinitely the greatest part imagine, they were really the production +of some choice inhabitant of New Bethlehem, is not necessary nor easy +to determine. It will be abundantly sufficient if I give the reader an +account by what means they came into my possession. Mr. Robert Powney, +stationer, who dwells opposite to Catherine-street in the Strand, a +very honest man and of great gravity of countenance; who, among other +excellent stationery commodities, is particularly eminent for his pens, +which I am abundantly bound to acknowledge, as I owe to their peculiar +goodness that my manuscripts have by any means been legible: this +gentleman, I say, furnished me some time since with a bundle of those +pens, wrapped up with great care and caution, in a very large sheet of +paper full of characters, written as it seemed in a very bad hand. +Now, I have a surprising curiosity to read everything which is almost +illegible; partly perhaps from the sweet remembrance of the dear +Scrawls, Skrawls, or Skrales (for the word is variously spelled), which +I have in my youth received from that lovely part of the creation for +which I have the tenderest regard; and partly from that temper of mind +which makes men set an immense value on old manuscripts so effaced, +bustoes so maimed, and pictures so black that no one can tell what to +make of them. I therefore perused this sheet with wonderful application, +and in about a day’s time discovered that I could not understand it. I +immediately repaired to Mr. Powney, and inquired very eagerly whether +he had not more of the same manuscript? He produced about one hundred +pages, acquainting me that he had saved no more; but that the book was +originally a huge folio, had been left in his garret by a gentleman +who lodged there, and who had left him no other satisfaction for nine +months’ lodging. He proceeded to inform me that the manuscript had been +hawked about (as he phrased it) among all the booksellers, who refused +to meddle; some alleged that they could not read, others that they could +not understand it. Some would haze it to be an atheistical book, and +some that it was a libel on the government; for one or other of which +reasons they all refused to print it. That it had been likewise shown to +the R--l Society, but they shook their heads, saying, there was nothing +in it wonderful enough for them. That, hearing the gentleman was gone +to the West-Indies, and believing it to be good for nothing else, he had +used it as waste paper. He said I was welcome to what remained, and he +was heartily sorry for what was missing, as I seemed to set some value +on it. + +I desired him much to name a price: but he would receive no +consideration farther than the payment of a small bill I owed him, which +at that time he said he looked on as so much money given him. + +I presently communicated this manuscript to my friend parson Abraham +Adams, who, after a long and careful perusal, returned it me with his +opinion that there was more in it than at first appeared; that the +author seemed not entirely unacquainted with the writings of Plato; but +he wished he had quoted him sometimes in his margin, that I might be +sure (said he) he had read him in the original: for nothing, continued +the parson, is commoner than for men now-a-days to pretend to have read +Greek authors, who have met with them only in translations, and cannot +conjugate a verb in mi. + +To deliver my own sentiments on the occasion, I think the author +discovers a philosophical turn of thinking, with some little knowledge +of the world, and no very inadequate value of it. There are some indeed +who, from the vivacity of their temper and the happiness of their +station, are willing to consider its blessings as more substantial, and +the whole to be a scene of more consequence than it is here represented: +but, without controverting their opinions at present, the number of wise +and good men who have thought with our author are sufficient to keep him +in countenance: nor can this be attended with any ill inference, since +he everywhere teaches this moral: That the greatest and truest happiness +which this world affords, is to be found only in the possession of +goodness and virtue; a doctrine which, as it is undoubtedly true, so +hath it so noble and practical a tendency, that it can never be too +often or too strongly inculcated on the minds of men. + + + + +BOOK I + + + +CHAPTER I + + The author dies, meets with Mercury, and is by him conducted + to the stage which sets out for the other world. + +On the first day of December 1741 [1] I departed this life at my +lodgings in Cheapside. My body had been some time dead before I was at +liberty to quit it, lest it should by any accident return to life: this +is an injunction imposed on all souls by the eternal law of fate, to +prevent the inconveniences which would follow. As soon as the destined +period was expired (being no longer than till the body is become +perfectly cold and stiff) I began to move; but found myself under a +difficulty of making my escape, for the mouth or door was shut, so that +it was impossible for me to go out at it; and the windows, vulgarly +called the eyes, were so closely pulled down by the fingers of a nurse, +that I could by no means open them. At last I perceived a beam of light +glimmering at the top of the house (for such I may call the body I had +been inclosed in), whither ascending, I gently let myself down through a +kind of chimney, and issued out at the nostrils. + +No prisoner discharged from a long confinement ever tasted the sweets +of liberty with a more exquisite relish than I enjoyed in this delivery +from a dungeon wherein I had been detained upwards of forty years, and +with much the same kind of regard I cast my eyes [2] backwards upon it. + +My friends and relations had all quitted the room, being all (as I +plainly overheard) very loudly quarreling below stairs about my +will; there was only an old woman left above to guard the body, as I +apprehend. She was in a fast sleep, occasioned, as from her savor it +seemed, by a comfortable dose of gin. I had no pleasure in this company, +and, therefore, as the window was wide open, I sallied forth into the +open air: but, to my great astonishment, found myself unable to fly, +which I had always during my habitation in the body conceived of +spirits; however, I came so lightly to the ground that I did not hurt +myself; and, though I had not the gift of flying (owing probably to +my having neither feathers nor wings), I was capable of hopping such a +prodigious way at once, that it served my turn almost as well. I had +not hopped far before I perceived a tall young gentleman in a silk +waistcoat, with a wing on his left heel, a garland on his head, and a +caduceus in his right hand. [3] I thought I had seen this person before, +but had not time to recollect where, when he called out to me and asked +me how long I had been departed. I answered I was just come forth. “You +must not stay here,” replied he, “unless you had been murdered: in which +case, indeed, you might have been suffered to walk some time; but if you +died a natural death you must set out for the other world immediately.” + I desired to know the way. “O,” cried the gentleman, “I will show you +to the inn whence the stage proceeds; for I am the porter. Perhaps you +never heard of me--my name is Mercury.” “Sure, sir,” said I, “I +have seen you at the play-house.” Upon which he smiled, and, without +satisfying me as to that point, walked directly forward, bidding me hop +after him. I obeyed him, and soon found myself in Warwick-lane; where +Mercury, making a full stop, pointed at a particular house, where he +bade me enquire for the stage, and, wishing me a good journey, took his +leave, saying he must go seek after other customers. + +I arrived just as the coach was setting out, and found I had no reason +for inquiry; for every person seemed to know my business the moment I +appeared at the door: the coachman told me his horses were to, but +that he had no place left; however, though there were already six, the +passengers offered to make room for me. I thanked them, and ascended +without much ceremony. We immediately began our journey, being seven in +number; for, as the women wore no hoops, three of them were but equal to +two men. Perhaps, reader, thou mayest be pleased with an account of +this whole equipage, as peradventure thou wilt not, while alive, see any +such. The coach was made by an eminent toyman, who is well known to +deal in immaterial substance, that being the matter of which it was +compounded. The work was so extremely fine, that it was entirely +invisible to the human eye. The horses which drew this extraordinary +vehicle were all spiritual, as well as the passengers. They had, +indeed, all died in the service of a certain postmaster; and as for the +coachman, who was a very thin piece of immaterial substance, he had the +honor while alive of driving the Great Peter, or Peter the Great, in +whose service his soul, as well as body, was almost starved to death. +Such was the vehicle in which I set out, and now, those who are not +willing to travel on with me may, if they please, stop here; those who +are, must proceed to the subsequent chapters, in which this journey is +continued. + + + + +CHAPTER II + + In which the author first refutes some idle opinions + concerning spirits, and then the passengers relate their + several deaths. + +It is the common opinion that spirits, like owls, can see in the dark; +nay, and can then most easily be perceived by others. For which reason, +many persons of good understanding, to prevent being terrified with +such objects, usually keep a candle burning by them, that the light may +prevent their seeing. Mr. Locke, in direct opposition to this, hath not +doubted to assert that you may see a spirit in open daylight full as +well as in the darkest night. + +It was very dark when we set out from the inn, nor could we see any +more than if every soul of us had been alive. We had traveled a good way +before any one offered to open his mouth; indeed, most of the company +were fast asleep, [4] but, as I could not close my own eyes, and +perceived the spirit who sat opposite to me to be likewise awake, I +began to make overtures of conversation, by complaining HOW DARK IT WAS. +“And extremely cold too,” answered my fellow traveler; “though, I thank +God, as I have no body, I feel no inconvenience from it: but you will +believe, sir, that this frosty air must seem very sharp to one just +issued forth out of an oven; for such was the inflamed habitation I am +lately departed from.” “How did you come to your end, sir?” said I. +“I was murdered, sir,” answered the gentleman. “I am surprised then,” + replied I, “that you did not divert yourself by walking up and down and +playing some merry tricks with the murderer.” “Oh, sir,” returned he, +“I had not that privilege, I was lawfully put to death. In short, +a physician set me on fire, by giving me medicines to throw out my +distemper. I died of a hot regimen, as they call it, in the small-pox.” + +One of the spirits at that word started up and cried out, “The +small-pox! bless me! I hope I am not in company with that distemper, +which I have all my life with such caution avoided, and have so happily +escaped hitherto!” This fright set all the passengers who were awake +into a loud laughter; and the gentleman, recollecting himself, with some +confusion, and not without blushing, asked pardon, crying, “I protest +I dreamed that I was alive.” “Perhaps, sir,” said I, “you died of that +distemper, which therefore made so strong an impression on you.” “No, +sir,” answered he, “I never had it in my life; but the continual and +dreadful apprehension it kept me so long under cannot, I see, be so +immediately eradicated. You must know, sir, I avoided coming to London +for thirty years together, for fear of the small-pox, till the most +urgent business brought me thither about five days ago. I was so +dreadfully afraid of this disease that I refused the second night of +my arrival to sup with a friend whose wife had recovered of it several +months before, and the same evening got a surfeit by eating too many +muscles, which brought me into this good company.” + +“I will lay a wager,” cried the spirit who sat next him, “there is not +one in the coach able to guess my distemper.” I desired the favor of him +to acquaint us with it, if it was so uncommon. “Why, sir,” said he, “I +died of honor.”--“Of honor, sir!” repeated I, with some surprise. “Yes, +sir,” answered the spirit, “of honor, for I was killed in a duel.” + +“For my part,” said a fair spirit, “I was inoculated last summer, and +had the good fortune to escape with a very few marks on my face. I +esteemed myself now perfectly happy, as I imagined I had no restraint +to a full enjoyment of the diversions of the town; but within a few days +after my coming up I caught cold by overdancing myself at a ball, and +last night died of a violent fever.” + +After a short silence which now ensued, the fair spirit who spoke last, +it being now daylight, addressed herself to a female who sat next her, +and asked her to what chance they owed the happiness of her company. She +answered, she apprehended to a consumption, but the physicians were not +agreed concerning her distemper, for she left two of them in a very hot +dispute about it when she came out of her body. “And pray, madam,” said +the same spirit to the sixth passenger, “How came you to leave the other +world?” But that female spirit, screwing up her mouth, answered, she +wondered at the curiosity of some people; that perhaps persons had +already heard some reports of her death, which were far from being true; +that, whatever was the occasion of it, she was glad at being delivered +from a world in which she had no pleasure, and where there was nothing +but nonsense and impertinence; particularly among her own sex, whose +loose conduct she had long been entirely ashamed of. + +The beauteous spirit, perceiving her question gave offense, pursued it +no farther. She had indeed all the sweetness and good-humor which are +so extremely amiable (when found) in that sex which tenderness most +exquisitely becomes. Her countenance displayed all the cheerfulness, the +good-nature, and the modesty, which diffuse such brightness round the +beauty of Seraphina, [5] awing every beholder with respect, and, at the +same time, ravishing him with admiration. Had it not been indeed for +our conversation on the small-pox, I should have imagined we had been +honored with her identical presence. This opinion might have been +heightened by the good sense she uttered whenever she spoke, by the +delicacy of her sentiments, and the complacence of her behavior, +together with a certain dignity which attended every look, word, and +gesture; qualities which could not fail making an impression on a heart +[6] so capable of receiving it as mine, nor was she long in raising in +me a very violent degree of seraphic love. I do not intend by this, that +sort of love which men are very properly said to make to women in the +lower world, and which seldom lasts any longer than while it is +making. I mean by seraphic love an extreme delicacy and tenderness of +friendship, of which, my worthy reader, if thou hast no conception, as +it is probable thou mayest not, my endeavor to instruct thee would be as +fruitless as it would be to explain the most difficult problems of Sir +Isaac Newton to one ignorant of vulgar arithmetic. + +To return therefore to matters comprehensible by all understandings: +the discourse now turned on the vanity, folly, and misery of the lower +world, from which every passenger in the coach expressed the highest +satisfaction in being delivered; though it was very remarkable that, +notwithstanding the joy we declared at our death, there was not one of +us who did not mention the accident which occasioned it as a thing we +would have avoided if we could. Nay, the very grave lady herself, who +was the forwardest in testifying her delight, confessed inadvertently +that she left a physician by her bedside; and the gentleman who died +of honor very liberally cursed both his folly and his fencing. While +we were entertaining ourselves with these matters, on a sudden a most +offensive smell began to invade our nostrils. This very much resembled +the savor which travelers in summer perceive at their approach to that +beautiful village of the Hague, arising from those delicious canals +which, as they consist of standing water, do at that time emit odors +greatly agreeable to a Dutch taste, but not so pleasant to any other. +Those perfumes, with the assistance of a fair wind, begin to affect +persons of quick olfactory nerves at a league’s distance, and increase +gradually as you approach. In the same manner did the smell I have just +mentioned, more and more invade us, till one of the spirits, looking out +of the coach-window, declared we were just arrived at a very large +city; and indeed he had scarce said so before we found ourselves in the +suburbs, and, at the same time, the coachman, being asked by another, +informed us that the name of this place was the City of Diseases. The +road to it was extremely smooth, and, excepting the above-mentioned +savor, delightfully pleasant. The streets of the suburbs were lined +with bagnios, taverns, and cooks’ shops: in the first we saw several +beautiful women, but in tawdry dresses, looking out at the windows; and +in the latter were visibly exposed all kinds of the richest dainties; +but on our entering the city we found, contrary to all we had seen in +the other world, that the suburbs were infinitely pleasanter than the +city itself. It was indeed a very dull, dark, and melancholy place. Few +people appeared in the streets, and these, for the most part, were old +women, and here and there a formal grave gentleman, who seemed to be +thinking, with large tie-wigs on, and amber-headed canes in their hands. +We were all in hopes that our vehicle would not stop here; but, to our +sorrow, the coach soon drove into an inn, and we were obliged to alight. + + + + +CHAPTER III + + The adventures we met with in the City of Diseases. + +We had not been long arrived in our inn, where it seems we were to spend +the remainder of the day, before our host acquainted us that it was +customary for all spirits, in their passage through that city, to pay +their respects to that lady Disease, to whose assistance they had owed +their deliverance from the lower world. We answered we should not +fail in any complacence which was usual to others; upon which our host +replied he would immediately send porters to conduct us. He had not long +quitted the room before we were attended by some of those grave persons +whom I have before described in large tie-wigs with amber-headed canes. +These gentlemen are the ticket-porters in the city, and their canes are +the insignia, or tickets, denoting their office. We informed them of +the several ladies to whom we were obliged, and were preparing to follow +them, when on a sudden they all stared at one another, and left us in +a hurry, with a frown on every countenance. We were surprised at this +behavior, and presently summoned the host, who was no sooner acquainted +with it than he burst into an hearty laugh, and told us the reason was, +because we did not fee the gentlemen the moment they came in, according +to the custom of the place. We answered, with some confusion, we had +brought nothing with us from the other world, which we had been all our +lives informed was not lawful to do. “No, no, master,” replied the host; +“I am apprised of that, and indeed it was my fault. I should have first +sent you to my lord Scrape, [7] who would have supplied you with what +you want.” “My lord Scrape supply us!” said I, with astonishment: “sure +you must know we cannot give him security; and I am convinced he never +lent a shilling without it in his life.” “No, sir,” answered the host, +“and for that reason he is obliged to do it here, where he is sentenced +to keep a bank, and to distribute money gratis to all passengers. This +bank originally consisted of just that sum, which he had miserably +hoarded up in the other world, and he is to perceive it decrease visibly +one shilling a-day, till it is totally exhausted; after which he is to +return to the other world, and perform the part of a miser for seventy +years; then, being purified in the body of a hog, he is to enter the +human species again, and take a second trial.” “Sir,” said I, “you tell +me wonders: but if his bank be to decrease only a shilling a day, how +can he furnish all passengers?” “The rest,” answered the host, “is +supplied again; but in a manner which I cannot easily explain to you.” + “I apprehend,” said I, “this distribution of his money is inflicted on +him as a punishment; but I do not see how it can answer that end, when +he knows it is to be restored to him again. Would it not serve the +purpose as well if he parted only with the single shilling, which it +seems is all he is really to lose?” “Sir,” cries the host, “when you +observe the agonies with which he parts with every guinea, you will +be of another opinion. No prisoner condemned to death ever begged so +heartily for transportation as he, when he received his sentence, did +to go to hell, provided he might carry his money with him. But you will +know more of these things when you arrive at the upper world; and now, +if you please, I will attend you to my lord’s, who is obliged to supply +you with whatever you desire.” + +We found his lordship sitting at the upper end of a table, on which was +an immense sum of money, disposed in several heaps, every one of which +would have purchased the honor of some patriots and the chastity of +some prudes. The moment he saw us he turned pale, and sighed, as well +apprehending our business. Mine host accosted him with a familiar air, +which at first surprised me, who so well remembered the respect I had +formerly seen paid this lord by men infinitely superior in quality to +the person who now saluted him in the following manner: “Here, you lord, +and be dam--d to your little sneaking soul, tell out your money, and +supply your betters with what they want. Be quick, sirrah, or I’ll fetch +the beadle to you. Don’t fancy yourself in the lower world again, with +your privilege at your a--.” He then shook a cane at his lordship, who +immediately began to tell out his money, with the same miserable air +and face which the miser on our stage wears while he delivers his +bank-bills. This affected some of us so much that we had certainly +returned with no more than what would have been sufficient to fee the +porters, had not our host, perceiving our compassion, begged us not to +spare a fellow who, in the midst of immense wealth, had always refused +the least contribution to charity. Our hearts were hardened with this +reflection, and we all filled our pockets with his money. I remarked a +poetical spirit, in particular, who swore he would have a hearty gripe +at him: “For,” says he, “the rascal not only refused to subscribe to +my works, but sent back my letter unanswered, though I am a better +gentleman than himself.” We now returned from this miserable object, +greatly admiring the propriety as well as justice of his punishment, +which consisted, as our host informed us, merely in the delivering forth +his money; and, he observed, we could not wonder at the pain this gave +him, since it was as reasonable that the bare parting with money should +make him miserable as that the bare having money without using it should +have made him happy. Other tie-wig porters (for those we had summoned +before refused to visit us again) now attended us; and we having fee’d +them the instant they entered the room, according to the instructions of +our host, they bowed and smiled, and offered to introduce us to whatever +disease we pleased. + +We set out several ways, as we were all to pay our respects to different +ladies. I directed my porter to show me to the Fever on the Spirits, +being the disease which had delivered me from the flesh. My guide and I +traversed many streets, and knocked at several doors, but to no purpose. +At one, we were told, lived the Consumption; at another, the Maladie +Alamode, a French lady; at the third, the Dropsy; at the fourth, the +Rheumatism; at the fifth, Intemperance; at the sixth, Misfortune. I was +tired, and had exhausted my patience, and almost my purse; for I gave my +porter a new fee at every blunder he made: when my guide, with a solemn +countenance, told me he could do no more; and marched off without any +farther ceremony. + +He was no sooner gone than I met another gentleman with a ticket, i. e., +an amber-headed cane in his hand. I first fee’d him, and then acquainted +him with the name of the disease. He cast himself for two or three +minutes into a thoughtful posture, then pulled a piece of paper out +of his pocket, on which he wrote something in one of the Oriental +languages, I believe, for I could not read a syllable: he bade me carry +it to such a particular shop, and, telling me it would do my business, +he took his leave. + +Secure, as I now thought myself, of my direction, I went to the shop, +which very much resembled an apothecary’s. The person who officiated, +having read the paper, took down about twenty different jars, and, +pouring something out of every one of them, made a mixture, which he +delivered to me in a bottle, having first tied a paper round the neck +of it, on which were written three or four words, the last containing +eleven syllables. I mentioned the name of the disease I wanted to +find out, but received no other answer than that he had done as he was +ordered, and the drugs were excellent. I began now to be enraged, and, +quitting the shop with some anger in my countenance, I intended to find +out my inn, but, meeting in the way a porter whose countenance had in it +something more pleasing than ordinary, I resolved to try once more, and +clapped a fee into his hand. As soon as I mentioned the disease to him +he laughed heartily, and told me I had been imposed on, for in reality +no such disease was to be found in that city. He then inquired into the +particulars of my case, and was no sooner acquainted with them than he +informed me that the Maladie Alamode was the lady to whom I was obliged. +I thanked him, and immediately went to pay my respects to her. The +house, or rather palace, of this lady was one of the most beautiful +and magnificent in the city. The avenue to it was planted with sycamore +trees, with beds of flowers on each side; it was extremely pleasant but +short. I was conducted through a magnificent hall, adorned with several +statues and bustoes, most of them maimed, whence I concluded them all +to be true antiques; but was informed they were the figures of several +modern heroes, who had died martyrs to her ladyship’s cause. I next +mounted through a large painted staircase, where several persons were +depicted in caricatura; and, upon inquiry, was told they were the +portraits of those who had distinguished themselves against the lady +in the lower world. I suppose I should have known the faces of many +physicians and surgeons, had they not been so violently distorted by +the painter. Indeed, he had exerted so much malice in his work, that I +believe he had himself received some particular favors from the lady of +this mansion: it is difficult to conceive a group of stranger figures. I +then entered a long room, hung round with the pictures of women of such +exact shapes and features that I should have thought myself in a gallery +of beauties, had not a certain sallow paleness in their complexions +given me a more distasteful idea. Through this I proceeded to a second +apartment, adorned, if I may so call it, with the figures of old ladies. +Upon my seeming to admire at this furniture, the servant told me with +a smile that these had been very good friends of his lady, and had done +her eminent service in the lower world. I immediately recollected the +faces of one or two of my acquaintance, who had formerly kept bagnios; +but was very much surprised to see the resemblance of a lady of great +distinction in such company. The servant, upon my mentioning this, made +no other answer than that his lady had pictures of all degrees. I was +now introduced into the presence of the lady herself. She was a thin, or +rather meager, person, very wan in the countenance, had no nose and many +pimples in her face. She offered to rise at my entrance, but could not +stand. After many compliments, much congratulation on her side, and +the most fervent expressions of gratitude on mine, she asked me many +questions concerning the situation of her affairs in the lower world; +most of which I answered to her entire satisfaction. At last, with +a kind of forced smile, she said, “I suppose the pill and drop go on +swimmingly?” I told her they were reported to have done great cures. +She replied she could apprehend no danger from any person who was not +of regular practice; “for, however simple mankind are,” said she, “or +however afraid they are of death, they prefer dying in a regular manner +to being cured by a nostrum.” She then expressed great pleasure at the +account I gave her of the beau monde. She said she had herself removed +the hundreds of Drury to the hundreds of Charing-cross, and was very +much delighted to find they had spread into St. James’s; that she +imputed this chiefly to several of her dear and worthy friends, who had +lately published their excellent works, endeavoring to extirpate all +notions of religion and virtue; and particularly to the deserving author +of the Bachelor’s Estimate; “to whom,” said she, “if I had not reason to +think he was a surgeon, and had therefore written from mercenary views, +I could never sufficiently own my obligations.” She spoke likewise +greatly in approbation of the method, so generally used by parents, of +marrying children very young, and without the least affection between +the parties; and concluded by saying that, if these fashions continued +to spread, she doubted not but she should shortly be the only disease +who would ever receive a visit from any person of considerable rank. + +While we were discoursing her three daughters entered the room. They +were all called by hard names; the eldest was named Lepra, the second +Chaeras, and the third Scorbutia. [8] They were all genteel, but ugly. +I could not help observing the little respect they paid their parent, +which the old lady remarking in my countenance, as soon as they quitted +the room, which soon happened, acquainted me with her unhappiness in her +offspring, every one of which had the confidence to deny themselves to +be her children, though she said she had been a very indulgent mother +and had plentifully provided for them all. As family complaints +generally as much tire the hearer as they relieve him who makes them, +when I found her launching farther into this subject I resolved to put +an end to my visit, and, taking my leave with many thanks for the +favor she had done me, I returned to the inn, where I found my +fellow-travelers just mounting into their vehicle. I shook hands with +my host and accompanied them into the coach, which immediately after +proceeded on its journey. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + + Discourses on the road, and a description of the palace of + Death. + +We were all silent for some minutes, till, being well shaken into our +several seats, I opened my mouth first, and related what had happened to +me after our separation in the city we had just left. + +The rest of the company, except the grave female spirit whom our reader +may remember to have refused giving an account of the distemper which +occasioned her dissolution, did the same. It might be tedious to relate +these at large; we shall therefore only mention a very remarkable +inveteracy which the Surfeit declared to all the other diseases, +especially to the Fever, who, she said, by the roguery of the porters, +received acknowledgments from numberless passengers which were due to +herself. “Indeed,” says she, “those cane-headed fellows” (for so she +called them, alluding, I suppose, to their ticket) “are constantly +making such mistakes; there is no gratitude in those fellows; for I +am sure they have greater obligations to me than to any other disease, +except the Vapors.” These relations were no sooner over than one of the +company informed us we were approaching to the most noble building he +had ever beheld, and which we learned from our coachman was the palace +of Death. Its outside, indeed, appeared extremely magnificent. Its +structure was of the Gothic order; vast beyond imagination, the +whole pile consisting of black marble. Rows of immense yews form an +amphitheater round it of such height and thickness that no ray of the +sun ever perforates this grove, where black eternal darkness would reign +was it not excluded by innumerable lamps which are placed in pyramids +round the grove; so that the distant reflection they cast on the palace, +which is plentifully gilt with gold on the outside, is inconceivably +solemn. To this I may add the hollow murmur of winds constantly heard +from the grove, and the very remote sound of roaring waters. Indeed, +every circumstance seems to conspire to fill the mind with horror and +consternation as we approach to this palace, which we had scarce time +to admire before our vehicle stopped at the gate, and we were desired +to alight in order to pay our respects to his most mortal majesty (this +being the title which it seems he assumes). The outward court was full +of soldiers, and, indeed, the whole very much resembled the state of an +earthly monarch, only more magnificent. We passed through several courts +into a vast hall, which led to a spacious staircase, at the bottom of +which stood two pages, with very grave countenances, whom I recollected +afterwards to have formerly been very eminent undertakers, and were in +reality the only dismal faces I saw here; for this palace, so awful and +tremendous without, is all gay and sprightly within; so that we soon +lost all those dismal and gloomy ideas we had contracted in approaching +it. Indeed, the still silence maintained among the guards and attendants +resembled rather the stately pomp of eastern courts; but there was on +every face such symptoms of content and happiness that diffused an air +of cheerfulness all round. We ascended the staircase and passed +through many noble apartments whose walls were adorned with various +battle-pieces in tapistry, and which we spent some time in observing. +These brought to my mind those beautiful ones I had in my lifetime seen +at Blenheim, nor could I prevent my curiosity from inquiring where +the Duke of Marlborough’s victories were placed (for I think they were +almost the only battles of any eminence I had read of which I did not +meet with); when the skeleton of a beef-eater, shaking his head, told me +a certain gentleman, one Lewis XIV, who had great interest with his +most mortal majesty, had prevented any such from being hung up there. +“Besides,” says he, “his majesty hath no great respect for that duke, +for he never sent him a subject he could keep from him, nor did he ever +get a single subject by his means but he lost 1000 others for him.” We +found the presence-chamber at our entrance very full, and a buzz ran +through it, as in all assemblies, before the principal figure enters; +for his majesty was not yet come out. At the bottom of the room were two +persons in close conference, one with a square black cap on his head, +and the other with a robe embroidered with flames of fire. These, I was +informed, were a judge long since dead, and an inquisitor-general. I +overheard them disputing with great eagerness whether the one had hanged +or the other burned the most. While I was listening to this dispute, +which seemed to be in no likelihood of a speedy decision, the emperor +entered the room and placed himself between two figures, one of which +was remarkable for the roughness, and the other for the beauty of his +appearance. These were, it seems, Charles XII of Sweden and Alexander of +Macedon. I was at too great a distance to hear any of the conversation, +so could only satisfy my curiosity by contemplating the several +personages present, of whose names I informed myself by a page, who +looked as pale and meager as any court-page in the other world, but was +somewhat more modest. He showed me here two or three Turkish emperors, +to whom his most mortal majesty seemed to express much civility. Here +were likewise several of the Roman emperors, among whom none seemed so +much caressed as Caligula, on account, as the page told me, of his pious +wish that he could send all the Romans hither at one blow. The reader +may be perhaps surprised that I saw no physicians here; as indeed I +was myself, till informed that they were all departed to the city +of Diseases, where they were busy in an experiment to purge away the +immortality of the soul. + +It would be tedious to recollect the many individuals I saw here, but +I cannot omit a fat figure, well dressed in the French fashion, who +was received with extraordinary complacence by the emperor, and whom I +imagined to be Lewis XIV himself; but the page acquainted me he was +a celebrated French cook. We were at length introduced to the royal +presence, and had the honor to kiss hands. His majesty asked us a few +questions, not very material to relate, and soon after retired. When we +returned into the yard we found our caravan ready to set out, at which +we all declared ourselves well pleased; for we were sufficiently tired +with the formality of a court, notwithstanding its outward splendor and +magnificence. + + + + +CHAPTER V + + The travelers proceed on their journey, and meet several + spirits who are coming into the flesh. + +We now came to the banks of the great river Cocytus, where we quitted +our vehicle, and passed the water in a boat, after which we were obliged +to travel on foot the rest of our journey; and now we met, for the +first time, several passengers traveling to the world we had left, who +informed us they were souls going into the flesh. + +The two first we met were walking arm-in-arm, in very close and friendly +conference; they informed us that one of them was intended for a duke, +and the other for a hackney-coachman. As we had not yet arrived at the +place where we were to deposit our passions, we were all surprised +at the familiarity which subsisted between persons of such different +degrees; nor could the grave lady help expressing her astonishment +at it. The future coachman then replied, with a laugh, that they had +exchanged lots; for that the duke had with his dukedom drawn a shrew for +a wife, and the coachman only a single state. + +As we proceeded on our journey we met a solemn spirit walking alone +with great gravity in his countenance: our curiosity invited us, +notwithstanding his reserve, to ask what lot he had drawn. + +He answered, with a smile, he was to have the reputation of a wise man +with L100,000 in his pocket, and was practicing the solemnity which he +was to act in the other world. A little farther we met a company of very +merry spirits, whom we imagined by their mirth to have drawn some mighty +lot, but, on inquiry, they informed us they were to be beggars. + +The farther we advanced, the greater numbers we met; and now we +discovered two large roads leading different ways, and of very different +appearance; the one all craggy with rocks, full as it seemed of boggy +grounds, and everywhere beset with briars, so that it was impossible to +pass through it without the utmost danger and difficulty; the other, the +most delightful imaginable, leading through the most verdant meadows, +painted and perfumed with all kinds of beautiful flowers; in short, +the most wanton imagination could imagine nothing more lovely. +Notwithstanding which, we were surprised to see great numbers crowding +into the former, and only one or two solitary spirits choosing the +latter. + +On inquiry, we were acquainted that the bad road was the way to +greatness, and the other to goodness. When we expressed our surprise at +the preference given to the former we were acquainted that it was chosen +for the sake of the music of drums and trumpets, and the perpetual +acclamations of the mob, with which those who traveled this way were +constantly saluted. We were told likewise that there were several noble +palaces to be seen, and lodged in, on this road, by those who had passed +through the difficulties of it (which indeed many were not able to +surmount), and great quantities of all sorts of treasure to be found in +it; whereas the other had little inviting more than the beauty of the +way, scarce a handsome building, save one greatly resembling a certain +house by the Bath, to be seen during that whole journey; and, lastly, +that it was thought very scandalous and mean-spirited to travel through +this, and as highly honorable and noble to pass by the other. We now +heard a violent noise, when, casting our eyes forwards, we perceived a +vast number of spirits advancing in pursuit of one whom they mocked +and insulted with all kinds of scorn. I cannot give my reader a more +adequate idea of this scene than by comparing it to an English mob +conducting a pickpocket to the water; or by supposing that an incensed +audience at a playhouse had unhappily possessed themselves of the +miserable damned poet. Some laughed, some hissed, some squalled, some +groaned, some bawled, some spit at him, some threw dirt at him. It was +impossible not to ask who or what the wretched spirit was whom they +treated in this barbarous manner; when, to our great surprise, we were +informed that it was a king: we were likewise told that this manner +of behavior was usual among the spirits to those who drew the lots of +emperors, kings, and other great men, not from envy or anger, but mere +derision and contempt of earthly grandeur; that nothing was more common +than for those who had drawn these great prizes (as to us they seemed) +to exchange them with tailors and cobblers; and that Alexander the +Great and Diogenes had formerly done so; he that was afterwards Diogenes +having originally fallen on the lot of Alexander. And now, on a sudden, +the mockery ceased, and the king-spirit, having obtained a hearing, +began to speak as follows; for we were now near enough to hear him +distinctly:-- + +“GENTLEMEN,--I am justly surprised at your treating me in this manner, +since whatever lot I have drawn, I did not choose: if, therefore, it +be worthy of derision, you should compassionate me, for it might have +fallen to any of your shares. I know in how low a light the station to +which fate hath assigned me is considered here, and that, when ambition +doth not support it, it becomes generally so intolerable, that there +is scarce any other condition for which it is not gladly exchanged: for +what portion, in the world to which we are going, is so miserable as +that of care? Should I therefore consider myself as become by this lot +essentially your superior, and of a higher order of being than the rest +of my fellow-creatures; should I foolishly imagine myself without wisdom +superior to the wise, without knowledge to the learned, without courage +to the brave, and without goodness and virtue to the good and virtuous; +surely so preposterous, so absurd a pride, would justly render me the +object of ridicule. But far be it from me to entertain it. And yet, +gentlemen, I prize the lot I have drawn, nor would I exchange it with +any of yours, seeing it is in my eye so much greater than the rest. +Ambition, which I own myself possessed of, teaches me this; ambition, +which makes me covet praise, assures me that I shall enjoy a much larger +proportion of it than can fall within your power either to deserve or +obtain. I am then superior to you all, when I am able to do more good, +and when I execute that power. What the father is to the son, the +guardian to the orphan, or the patron to his client, that am I to you. +You are my children, to whom I will be a father, a guardian, and a +patron. Not one evening in my long reign (for so it is to be) will +I repose myself to rest without the glorious, the heart-warming +consideration, that thousands that night owe their sweetest rest to me. +What a delicious fortune is it to him whose strongest appetite is doing +good, to have every day the opportunity and the power of satisfying it! +If such a man hath ambition, how happy is it for him to be seated so on +high, that every act blazes abroad, and attracts to him praises tainted +with neither sarcasm nor adulation, but such as the nicest and most +delicate mind may relish! Thus, therefore, while you derive your good +from me, I am your superior. If to my strict distribution of justice +you owe the safety of your property from domestic enemies; if by my +vigilance and valor you are protected from foreign foes; if by my +encouragement of genuine industry, every science, every art which can +embellish or sweeten life, is produced and flourishes among you; will +any of you be so insensible or ungrateful as to deny praise and respect +to him by whose care and conduct you enjoy these blessings? I wonder not +at the censure which so frequently falls on those in my station; but I +wonder that those in my station so frequently deserve it. What strange +perverseness of nature! What wanton delight in mischief must taint his +composition, who prefers dangers, difficulty, and disgrace, by doing +evil, to safety, ease, and honor, by doing good! who refuses happiness +in the other world, and heaven in this, for misery there and hell here! +But, be assured, my intentions are different. I shall always endeavor +the ease, the happiness, and the glory of my people, being confident +that, by so doing, I take the most certain method of procuring them +all to myself.”--He then struck directly into the road of goodness, +and received such a shout of applause as I never remember to have +heard equaled. He was gone a little way when a spirit limped after him, +swearing he would fetch him back. + +This spirit, I was presently informed, was one who had drawn the lot of +his prime minister. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + + An account of the wheel of fortune, with a method of + preparing a spirit for this world. + +We now proceeded on our journey, without staying to see whether he +fulfilled his word or no; and without encountering anything worth +mentioning, came to the place where the spirits on their passage to the +other world were obliged to decide by lot the station in which every +one was to act there. Here was a monstrous wheel, infinitely larger than +those in which I had formerly seen lottery-tickets deposited. This was +called the WHEEL OF FORTUNE. + +The goddess herself was present. She was one of the most deformed +females I ever beheld; nor could I help observing the frowns she +expressed when any beautiful spirit of her own sex passed by her, nor +the affability which smiled in her countenance on the approach of any +handsome male spirits. Hence I accounted for the truth of an observation +I had often made on earth, that nothing is more fortunate than handsome +men, nor more unfortunate than handsome women. The reader may be perhaps +pleased with an account of the whole method of equipping a spirit for +his entrance into the flesh. + +First, then, he receives from a very sage person, whose look much +resembled that of an apothecary (his warehouse likewise bearing an +affinity to an apothecary’s shop), a small phial inscribed, THE PATHETIC +POTION, to be taken just before you are born. This potion is a mixture +of all the passions, but in no exact proportion, so that sometimes one +predominates, and sometimes another; nay, often in the hurry of making +up, one particular ingredient is, as we were informed, left out. The +spirit receiveth at the same time another medicine called the NOUSPHORIC +DECOCTION, of which he is to drink ad libitum. This decoction is an +extract from the faculties of the mind, sometimes extremely strong and +spirituous, and sometimes altogether as weak; for very little care is +taken in the preparation. This decoction is so extremely bitter and +unpleasant, that, notwithstanding its wholesomeness, several spirits +will not be persuaded to swallow a drop of it, but throw it away, or +give it to any other who will receive it; by which means some who were +not disgusted by the nauseousness drank double and treble portions. +I observed a beautiful young female, who, tasting it immediately from +curiosity, screwed up her face and cast it from her with great disdain, +whence advancing presently to the wheel, she drew a coronet, which +she clapped up so eagerly that I could not distinguish the degree; and +indeed I observed several of the same sex, after a very small sip, throw +the bottles away. As soon as the spirit is dismissed by the operator, +or apothecary, he is at liberty to approach the wheel, where he hath a +right to extract a single lot: but those whom Fortune favors she permits +sometimes secretly to draw three or four. I observed a comical kind of +figure who drew forth a handful, which, when he opened, were a bishop, +a general, a privy-counselor, a player, and a poet-laureate, and, +returning the three first, he walked off, smiling, with the two last. +Every single lot contained two more articles, which were generally +disposed so as to render the lots as equal as possible to each other; on +one was written, EARL, RICHES, HEALTH, DISQUIETUDE; on another, COBLER, +SICKNESS, GOOD-HUMOR; on a third, POET, CONTEMPT, SELF-SATISFACTION; on +a fourth, GENERAL, HONOR, DISCONTENT; on a fifth, COTTAGE, HAPPY LOVE; +on a sixth, COACH AND SIX, IMPOTENT JEALOUS HUSBAND; on a seventh, +PRIME MINISTER, DISGRACE; on an eighth, PATRIOT, GLORY; on a ninth, +PHILOSOPHER, POVERTY, EASE; on a tenth, MERCHANT, RICHES, CARE. And +indeed the whole seemed to contain such a mixture of good and evil, that +it would have puzzled me which to choose. I must not omit here that +in every lot was directed whether the drawer should marry or remain in +celibacy, the married lots being all marked with a large pair of horns. +We were obliged, before we quitted this place, to take each of us an +emetic from the apothecary, which immediately purged us of all our +earthly passions, and presently the cloud forsook our eyes, as it doth +those of Aeneas in Virgil, when removed by Venus; and we discerned +things in a much clearer light than before. We began to compassionate +those spirits who were making their entry into the flesh, whom we had +till then secretly envied, and to long eagerly for those delightful +plains which now opened themselves to our eyes, and to which we now +hastened with the utmost eagerness. On our way we met with several +spirits with very dejected countenances; but our expedition would not +suffer us to ask any questions. At length we arrived at the gate of +Elysium. Here was a prodigious crowd of spirits waiting for admittance, +some of whom were admitted, and some were rejected; for all were +strictly examined by the porter, whom I soon discovered to be the +celebrated judge Minos. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + + The proceedings of judge Minos at the gate of Elysium. + +I now got near enough to the gate to hear the several claims of those +who endeavored to pass. The first among other pretensions, set forth +that he had been very liberal to an hospital; but Minos answered, +“Ostentation,” and repulsed him. The second exhibited that he had +constantly frequented his church, been a rigid observer of fast-days: he +likewise represented the great animosity he had shown to vice in others, +which never escaped his severest censure; and as to his own behavior, he +had never been once guilty of whoring, drinking, gluttony, or any other +excess. He said he had disinherited his son for getting a bastard. “Have +you so?” said Minos; “then pray return into the other world and beget +another; for such an unnatural rascal shall never pass this gate.” A +dozen others, who had advanced with very confident countenances, seeing +him rejected, turned about of their own accord, declaring, if he could +not pass, they had no expectation, and accordingly they followed him +back to earth; which was the fate of all who were repulsed, they being +obliged to take a further purification, unless those who were guilty +of some very heinous crimes, who were hustled in at a little back gate, +whence they tumbled immediately into the bottomless pit. + +The next spirit that came up declared he had done neither good nor evil +in the world; for that since his arrival at man’s estate he had spent +his whole time in search of curiosities; and particularly in the study +of butterflies, of which he had collected an immense number. Minos made +him no answer, but with great scorn pushed him back. There now advanced +a very beautiful spirit indeed. She began to ogle Minos the moment she +saw him. She said she hoped there was some merit in refusing a great +number of lovers, and dying a maid, though she had had the choice of +a hundred. Minos told her she had not refused enow yet, and turned her +back. + +She was succeeded by a spirit who told the judge he believed his works +would speak for him. “What works?” answered Minos. “My dramatic works,” + replied the other, “which have done so much good in recommending virtue +and punishing vice.” “Very well,” said the judge; “if you please to +stand by, the first person who passes the gate by your means shall +carry you in with him; but, if you will take my advice, I think, for +expedition sake, you had better return, and live another life upon +earth.” The bard grumbled at this, and replied that, besides his +poetical works, he had done some other good things: for that he had once +lent the whole profits of a benefit-night to a friend, and by that means +had saved him and his family from destruction. Upon this the gate flew +open, and Minos desired him to walk in, telling him, if he had mentioned +this at first, he might have spared the remembrance of his plays. The +poet answered, he believed, if Minos had read his works, he would set a +higher value on them. He was then beginning to repeat, but Minos pushed +him forward, and, turning his back to him, applied himself to the next +passenger, a very genteel spirit, who made a very low bow to Minos, and +then threw himself into an erect attitude, and imitated the motion of +taking snuff with his right hand. Minos asked him what he had to say +for himself. He answered, he would dance a minuet with any spirit in +Elysium: that he could likewise perform all his other exercises very +well, and hoped he had in his life deserved the character of a perfect +fine gentleman. Minos replied it would be great pity to rob the world of +so fine a gentleman, and therefore desired him to take the other trip. +The beau bowed, thanked the judge, and said he desired no better. + +Several spirits expressed much astonishment at this his satisfaction; +but we were afterwards informed he had not taken the emetic above +mentioned. + +A miserable old spirit now crawled forwards, whose face I thought I had +formerly seen near Westminster Abbey. He entertained Minos with a long +harangue of what he had done when in the HOUSE; and then proceeded to +inform him how much he was worth, without attempting to produce a +single instance of any one good action. Minos stopped the career of his +discourse, and acquainted him he must take a trip back again. + +“What! to S---- house?” said the spirit in an ecstasy; but the judge, +without making him any answer, turned to another, who with a very +solemn air and great dignity, acquainted him he was a duke. “To the +right-about, Mr. Duke,” cried Minos, “you are infinitely too great a +man for Elysium;” and then, giving him a kick on the b--ch, he addressed +himself to a spirit who, with fear and trembling, begged he might not +go to the bottomless pit: he said he hoped Minos would consider that, +though he had gone astray, he had suffered for it--that it was necessity +which drove him to the robbery of eighteenpence, which he had committed, +and for which he was hanged--that he had done some good actions in his +life--that he had supported an aged parent with his labor--that he had +been a very tender husband and a kind father--and that he had ruined +himself by being bail for his friend. At which words the gate opened, +and Minos bade him enter, giving him a slap on the back as he passed by +him. A great number of spirits now came forwards, who all declared +they had the same claim, and that the captain should speak for them. +He acquainted the judge that they had been all slain in the service of +their country. Minos was going to admit them, but had the curiosity to +ask who had been the invader, in order, as he said, to prepare the +back gate for him. The captain answered they had been the invaders +themselves--that they had entered the enemy’s country, and burned and +plundered several cities. “And for what reason?” said Minos. “By the +command of him who paid us,” said the captain; “that is the reason of a +soldier. We are to execute whatever we are commanded, or we should be a +disgrace to the army, and very little deserve our pay.” “You are brave +fellows indeed,” said Minos; “but be pleased to face about, and obey my +command for once, in returning back to the other world: for what should +such fellows as you do where there are no cities to be burned, nor +people to be destroyed? But let me advise you to have a stricter regard +to truth for the future, and not call the depopulating other countries +the service of your own.” The captain answered, in a rage, “D--n me! do +you give me the lie?” and was going to take Minos by the nose had +not his guards prevented him, and immediately turned him and all his +followers back the same road they came. + +Four spirits informed the judge that they had been starved to death +through poverty--being the father, mother, and two children; that +they had been honest and as industrious as possible, till sickness had +prevented the man from labor. “All that is very true,” cried a grave +spirit who stood by. “I know the fact; for these poor people were under +my cure.” “You was, I suppose, the parson of the parish,” cries Minos; +“I hope you had a good living, sir.” “That was but a small one,” replied +the spirit; “but I had another a little better.”--“Very well,” said +Minos; “let the poor people pass.” At which the parson was stepping +forwards with a stately gait before them; but Minos caught hold of him +and pulled him back, saying, “Not so fast, doctor--you must take one +step more into the other world first; for no man enters that gate +without charity.” A very stately figure now presented himself, and, +informing Minos he was a patriot, began a very florid harangue on public +virtue and the liberties of his country. Upon which Minos showed him the +utmost respect, and ordered the gate to be opened. The patriot was not +contented with this applause; he said he had behaved as well in place +as he had done in the opposition; and that, though he was now obliged +to embrace the court measures, yet he had behaved very honestly to his +friends, and brought as many in as was possible. “Hold a moment,” says +Minos: “on second consideration, Mr. Patriot, I think a man of your +great virtue and abilities will be so much missed by your country, that, +if I might advise you, you should take a journey back again. I am +sure you will not decline it; for I am certain you will, with great +readiness, sacrifice your own happiness to the public good.” The patriot +smiled, and told Minos he believed he was in jest; and was offering to +enter the gate, but the judge laid fast hold of him and insisted on his +return, which the patriot still declining, he at last ordered his guards +to seize him and conduct him back. + +A spirit now advanced, and the gate was immediately thrown open to him +before he had spoken a word. I heard some whisper, “That is our last +lord mayor.” + +It now came to our company’s turn. The fair spirit which I mentioned +with so much applause in the beginning of my journey passed through very +easily; but the grave lady was rejected on her first appearance, Minos +declaring there was not a single prude in Elysium. + +The judge then addressed himself to me, who little expected to pass this +fiery trial. I confessed I had indulged myself very freely with wine and +women in my youth, but had never done an injury to any man living, nor +avoided an opportunity of doing good; that I pretended to very little +virtue more than general philanthropy and private friendship. I was +proceeding, when Minos bade me enter the gate, and not indulge myself +with trumpeting forth my virtues. I accordingly passed forward with my +lovely companion, and, embracing her with vast eagerness, but spiritual +innocence, she returned my embrace in the same manner, and we both +congratulated ourselves on our arrival in this happy region, whose +beauty no painting of the imagination can describe. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + The adventures which the author met on his first entrance + into Elysium. + +We pursued our way through a delicious grove of orange-trees, where I +saw infinite numbers of spirits, every one of whom I knew, and was known +by them (for spirits here know one another by intuition). I presently +met a little daughter whom I had lost several years before. Good gods! +what words can describe the raptures, the melting passionate tenderness, +with which we kissed each other, continuing in our embrace, with the +most ecstatic joy, a space which, if time had been measured here as on +earth, could not be less than half a year. + +The first spirit with whom I entered into discourse was the famous +Leonidas of Sparta. I acquainted him with the honors which had been done +him by a celebrated poet of our nation; to which he answered he was very +much obliged to him. We were presently afterwards entertained with the +most delicious voice I had ever heard, accompanied by a violin, equal to +Signior Piantinida. I presently discovered the musician and songster to +be Orpheus and Sappho. + +Old Homer was present at this concert (if I may so call it), and Madam +Dacier sat in his lap. He asked much after Mr. Pope, and said he was +very desirous of seeing him; for that he had read his Iliad in his +translation with almost as much delight as he believed he had given +others in the original. I had the curiosity to inquire whether he had +really writ that poem in detached pieces, and sung it about as ballads +all over Greece, according to the report which went of him. He smiled at +my question, and asked me whether there appeared any connection in +the poem; for if there did he thought I might answer myself. I then +importuned him to acquaint me in which of the cities which contended for +the honor of his birth he was really born? To which he answered, “Upon +my soul I can’t tell.” + +Virgil then came up to me, with Mr. Addison under his arm. “Well, sir,” + said he, “how many translations have these few last years produced of +my Aeneid?” I told him I believed several, but I could not possibly +remember; for that I had never read any but Dr. Trapp’s. “Ay,” said +he, “that is a curious piece indeed!” I then acquainted him with the +discovery made by Mr. Warburton of the Elusinian mysteries couched in +his sixth book. “What mysteries?” said Mr. Addison. “The Elusinian,” + answered Virgil, “which I have disclosed in my sixth book.” “How!” + replied Addison. “You never mentioned a word of any such mysteries to +me in all our acquaintance.” “I thought it was unnecessary,” cried the +other, “to a man of your infinite learning: besides, you always told +me you perfectly understood my meaning.” Upon this I thought the critic +looked a little out of countenance, and turned aside to a very merry +spirit, one Dick Steele, who embraced him, and told him he had been the +greatest man upon earth; that he readily resigned up all the merit of +his own works to him. Upon which Addison gave him a gracious smile, and, +clapping him on the back with much solemnity, cried out, “Well said, +Dick!” + +I then observed Shakespeare standing between Betterton and Booth, and +deciding a difference between those two great actors concerning the +placing an accent in one of his lines: this was disputed on both sides +with a warmth which surprised me in Elysium, till I discovered by +intuition that every soul retained its principal characteristic, being, +indeed, its very essence. The line was that celebrated one in Othello-- + +PUT OUT THE LIGHT, AND THEN PUT OUT THE LIGHT. according to Betterton. +Mr. Booth contended to have it thus:-- + +Put out the light, and then put out THE light. I could not help offering +my conjecture on this occasion, and suggested it might perhaps be-- + +Put out the light, and then put out THY light. Another hinted a reading +very sophisticated in my opinion-- + +Put out the light, and then put out THEE, light, making light to be the +vocative case. Another would have altered the last word, and read-- + +PUT OUT THY LIGHT, AND THEN PUT OUT THY SIGHT. But Betterton said, if +the text was to be disturbed, he saw no reason why a word might not be +changed as well as a letter, and, instead of “put out thy light,” you +may read “put out thy eyes.” At last it was agreed on all sides to refer +the matter to the decision of Shakespeare himself, who delivered his +sentiments as follows: “Faith, gentlemen, it is so long since I wrote +the line, I have forgot my meaning. This I know, could I have dreamed +so much nonsense would have been talked and writ about it, I would +have blotted it out of my works; for I am sure, if any of these be my +meaning, it doth me very little honor.” + +He was then interrogated concerning some other ambiguous passages in his +works; but he declined any satisfactory answer; saying, if Mr. Theobald +had not writ about it sufficiently, there were three or four more new +editions of his plays coming out, which he hoped would satisfy every +one: concluding, “I marvel nothing so much as that men will gird +themselves at discovering obscure beauties in an author. Certes the +greatest and most pregnant beauties are ever the plainest and most +evidently striking; and when two meanings of a passage can in the +least balance our judgments which to prefer, I hold it matter of +unquestionable certainty that neither of them is worth a farthing.” + From his works our conversation turned on his monument; upon which, +Shakespeare, shaking his sides, and addressing himself to Milton, cried +out, “On my word, brother Milton, they have brought a noble set of poets +together; they would have been hanged erst have [ere they had] convened +such a company at their tables when alive.” “True, brother,” answered +Milton, “unless we had been as incapable of eating then as we are now.” + + + + +CHAPTER IX + + More adventures in Elysium. + +A crowd of spirits now joined us, whom I soon perceived to be the +heroes, who here frequently pay their respects to the several bards the +recorders of their actions. I now saw Achilles and Ulysses addressing +themselves to Homer, and Aeneas and Julius Caesar to Virgil: Adam went +up to Milton, upon which I whispered Mr. Dryden that I thought the devil +should have paid his compliments there, according to his opinion. Dryden +only answered, “I believe the devil was in me when I said so.” Several +applied themselves to Shakespeare, amongst whom Henry V made a very +distinguishing appearance. While my eyes were fixed on that monarch a +very small spirit came up to me, shook me heartily by the hand, and told +me his name was THOMAS THUMB. I expressed great satisfaction in seeing +him, nor could I help speaking my resentment against the historian, who +had done such injustice to the stature of this great little man, which +he represented to be no bigger than a span, whereas I plainly perceived +at first sight he was full a foot and a half (and the 37th part of an +inch more, as he himself informed me), being indeed little shorter than +some considerable beaux of the present age. I asked this little hero +concerning the truth of those stories related of him, viz., of the +pudding, and the cow’s belly. As to the former, he said it was a +ridiculous legend, worthy to be laughed at; but as to the latter, he +could not help owning there was some truth in it: nor had he any reason +to be ashamed of it, as he was swallowed by surprise; adding, with great +fierceness, that if he had had any weapon in his hand the cow should +have as soon swallowed the devil. + +He spoke the last word with so much fury, and seemed so confounded, +that, perceiving the effect it had on him, I immediately waived the +story, and, passing to other matters, we had much conversation touching +giants. He said, so far from killing any, he had never seen one alive; +that he believed those actions were by mistake recorded of him, instead +of Jack the giant-killer, whom he knew very well, and who had, he +fancied, extirpated the race. I assured him to the contrary, and told +him I had myself seen a huge tame giant, who very complacently stayed in +London a whole winter, at the special request of several gentlemen and +ladies; though the affairs of his family called him home to Sweden. + +I now beheld a stern-looking spirit leaning on the shoulder of another +spirit, and presently discerned the former to be Oliver Cromwell, and +the latter Charles Martel. I own I was a little surprised at seeing +Cromwell here, for I had been taught by my grandmother that he was +carried away by the devil himself in a tempest; but he assured me, on +his honor, there was not the least truth in that story. However, he +confessed he had narrowly escaped the bottomless pit; and, if the former +part of his conduct had not been more to his honor than the latter, he +had been certainly soused into it. He was, nevertheless, sent back to +the upper world with this lot:--ARMY, CAVALIER, DISTRESS. + +He was born, for the second time, the day of Charles II’s restoration, +into a family which had lost a very considerable fortune in the service +of that prince and his father, for which they received the reward very +often conferred by princes on real merit, viz.--000. At 16 his father +bought a small commission for him in the army, in which he served +without any promotion all the reigns of Charles II and of his brother. +At the Revolution he quitted his regiment, and followed the fortunes +of his former master, and was in his service dangerously wounded at the +famous battle of the Boyne, where he fought in the capacity of a private +soldier. He recovered of this wound, and retired after the unfortunate +king to Paris, where he was reduced to support a wife and seven children +(for his lot had horns in it) by cleaning shoes and snuffing candles at +the opera. In which situation, after he had spent a few miserable years, +he died half-starved and broken-hearted. He then revisited Minos, who, +compassionating his sufferings by means of that family, to whom he had +been in his former capacity so bitter an enemy, suffered him to enter +here. + +My curiosity would not refrain asking him one question, i. e., whether +in reality he had any desire to obtain the crown? He smiled, and said, +“No more than an ecclesiastic hath to the miter, when he cries Nolo +episcopari.” Indeed, he seemed to express some contempt at the question, +and presently turned away. + +A venerable spirit appeared next, whom I found to be the great historian +Livy. Alexander the Great, who was just arrived from the palace of +death, passed by him with a frown. The historian, observing it, said, +“Ay, you may frown; but those troops which conquered the base Asiatic +slaves would have made no figure against the Romans.” We then privately +lamented the loss of the most valuable part of his history; after which +he took occasion to commend the judicious collection made by Mr. Hook, +which, he said, was infinitely preferable to all others; and at my +mentioning Echard’s he gave a bounce, not unlike the going off of +a squib, and was departing from me, when I begged him to satisfy my +curiosity in one point--whether he was really superstitious or no? For +I had always believed he was till Mr. Leibnitz had assured me to the +contrary. He answered sullenly, “Doth Mr. Leibnitz know my mind better +than myself?” and then walked away. + + + + +CHAPTER X + + The author is surprised at meeting Julian the apostate in + Elysium; but is satisfied by him by what means he procured + his entrance there. Julian relates his adventures in the + character of a slave. + +As he was departing I heard him salute a spirit by the name of Mr. +Julian the apostate. This exceedingly amazed me; for I had concluded +that no man ever had a better title to the bottomless pit than he. But +I soon found that this same Julian the apostate was also the very +individual archbishop Latimer. He told me that several lies had been +raised on him in his former capacity, nor was he so bad a man as he had +been represented. However, he had been denied admittance, and forced +to undergo several subsequent pilgrimages on earth, and to act in the +different characters of a slave, a Jew, a general, an heir, a carpenter, +a beau, a monk, a fiddler, a wise man, a king, a fool, a beggar, a +prince, a statesman, a soldier, a tailor, an alderman, a poet, a knight, +a dancing-master, and three times a bishop, before his martyrdom, which, +together with his other behavior in this last character, satisfied the +judge, and procured him a passage to the blessed regions. + +I told him such various characters must have produced incidents +extremely entertaining; and if he remembered all, as I supposed he did, +and had leisure, I should be obliged to him for the recital. He answered +he perfectly recollected every circumstance; and as to leisure, the only +business of that happy place was to contribute to the happiness of each +other. He therefore thanked me for adding to his, in proposing to him +a method of increasing mine. I then took my little darling in one hand, +and my favorite fellow-traveler in the other, and, going with him to +a sunny bank of flowers, we all sat down, and he began as follows:--“I +suppose you are sufficiently acquainted with my story during the time I +acted the part of the emperor Julian, though I assure you all which hath +been related of me is not true, particularly with regard to the many +prodigies forerunning my death. However, they are now very little worth +disputing; and if they can serve any purpose of the historian they +are extremely at his service. My next entrance into the world was at +Laodicea, in Syria, in a Roman family of no great note; and, being of +a roving disposition, I came at the age of seventeen to Constantinople, +where, after about a year’s stay, I set out for Thrace, at the time when +the emperor Valens admitted the Goths into that country. I was there so +captivated with the beauty of a Gothic lady, the wife of one Rodoric, a +captain, whose name, out of the most delicate tenderness for her lovely +sex, I shall even at this distance conceal; since her behavior to me was +more consistent with good-nature than with that virtue which women are +obliged to preserve against every assailant. In order to procure an +intimacy with this woman I sold myself a slave to her husband, who, +being of a nation not over-inclined to jealousy, presented me to his +wife, for those very reasons which would have induced one of a jealous +complexion to have withheld me from her, namely, for that I was young +and handsome. + +“Matters succeeded so far according to my wish, and the sequel answered +those hopes which this beginning had raised. I soon perceived my service +was very acceptable to her; I often met her eyes, nor did she withdraw +them without a confusion which is scarce consistent with entire purity +of heart. Indeed, she gave me every day fresh encouragement; but the +unhappy distance which circumstances had placed between us deterred me +long from making any direct attack; and she was too strict an observer +of decorum to violate the severe rules of modesty by advancing first; +but passion at last got the better of my respect, and I resolved to make +one bold attempt, whatever was the consequence. Accordingly, laying hold +of the first kind opportunity, when she was alone and my master abroad, +I stoutly assailed the citadel and carried it by storm. Well may I say +by storm; for the resistance I met was extremely resolute, and indeed +as much as the most perfect decency would require. She swore often she +would cry out for help; but I answered it was in vain, seeing there was +no person near to assist her; and probably she believed me, for she did +not once actually cry out, which if she had, I might very likely have +been prevented. + +“When she found her virtue thus subdued against her will she patiently +submitted to her fate, and quietly suffered me a long time to enjoy the +most delicious fruits of my victory; but envious fortune resolved to +make me pay a dear price for my pleasure. One day in the midst of our +happiness we were suddenly surprised by the unexpected return of her +husband, who, coming directly into his wife’s apartment, just allowed +me time to creep under the bed. The disorder in which he found his wife +might have surprised a jealous temper; but his was so far otherwise, +that possibly no mischief might have happened had he not by a cross +accident discovered my legs, which were not well hid. He immediately +drew me out by them, and then, turning to his wife with a stern +countenance, began to handle a weapon he wore by his side, with which +I am persuaded he would have instantly dispatched her, had I not very +gallantly, and with many imprecations, asserted her innocence and my +own guilt; which, however, I protested had hitherto gone no farther than +design. She so well seconded my plea (for she was a woman of wonderful +art), that he was at length imposed upon; and now all his rage was +directed against me, threatening all manner of tortures, which the +poor lady was in too great a fright and confusion to dissuade him from +executing; and perhaps, if her concern for me had made her attempt it, +it would have raised a jealousy in him not afterwards to be removed. + +“After some hesitation Roderic cried out he had luckily hit on the most +proper punishment for me in the world, by a method which would at once +do severe justice on me for my criminal intention, and at the same time +prevent me from any danger of executing my wicked purpose hereafter. +This cruel resolution was immediately executed, and I was no longer +worthy the name of a man. + +“Having thus disqualified me from doing him any future injury, he still +retained me in his family; but the lady, very probably repenting of what +she had done, and looking on me as the author of her guilt, would never +for the future give me either a kind word or look: and shortly after, a +great exchange being made between the Romans and the Goths of dogs for +men, my lady exchanged me with a Roman widow for a small lap-dog, giving +a considerable sum of money to boot. + +“In this widow’s service I remained seven years, during all which time I +was very barbarously treated. I was worked without the least mercy, and +often severely beat by a swinging maid-servant, who never called me by +any other names than those of the Thing and the Animal. Though I used +my utmost industry to please, it never was in my power. Neither the lady +nor her woman would eat anything I touched, saying they did not believe +me wholesome. It is unnecessary to repeat particulars; in a word, you +can imagine no kind of ill usage which I did not suffer in this family. + +“At last an heathen priest, an acquaintance of my lady’s, obtained me of +her for a present. The scene was now totally changed, and I had as much +reason to be satisfied with my present situation as I had to lament my +former. I was so absolutely my master’s favorite, that the rest of the +slaves paid me almost as much regard as they showed to him, well knowing +that it was entirely in my power to command and treat them as I pleased. +I was intrusted with all my master’s secrets, and used to assist him in +privately conveying away by night the sacrifices from the altars, which +the people believed the deities themselves devoured. Upon these we +feasted very elegantly, nor could invention suggest a rarity which we +did not pamper ourselves with. Perhaps you may admire at the close union +between this priest and his slave, but we lived in an intimacy which +the Christians thought criminal; but my master, who knew the will of +the gods, with whom he told me he often conversed, assured me it was +perfectly innocent. + +“This happy life continued about four years, when my master’s death, +occasioned by a surfeit got by overfeeding on several exquisite +dainties, put an end to it. + +“I now fell into the hands of one of a very different disposition, and +this was no other than the celebrated St. Chrysostom, who dieted me with +sermons instead of sacrifices, and filled my ears with good things, but +not my belly. Instead of high food to fatten and pamper my flesh, I had +receipts to mortify and reduce it. With these I edified so well, that +within a few months I became a skeleton. However, as he had converted +me to his faith, I was well enough satisfied with this new manner of +living, by which he taught me I might insure myself an eternal reward in +a future state. The saint was a good-natured man, and never gave me +an ill word but once, which was occasioned by my neglecting to place +Aristophanes, which was his constant bedfellow, on his pillow. He was, +indeed, extremely fond of that Greek poet, and frequently made me read +his comedies to him. When I came to any of the loose passages he would +smile, and say, ‘It was pity his matter was not as pure as his style;’ +of which latter he was so immoderately fond that, notwithstanding the +detestation he expressed for obscenity, he hath made me repeat those +passages ten times over. The character of this good man hath been very +unjustly attacked by his heathen contemporaries, particularly with +regard to women; but his severe invectives against that sex are his +sufficient justification. + +“From the service of this saint, from whom I received manumission, I +entered into the family of Timasius, a leader of great eminence in +the imperial army, into whose favor I so far insinuated myself that he +preferred me to a good command, and soon made me partaker of both his +company and his secrets. I soon grew intoxicated with this preferment, +and the more he loaded me with benefits the more he raised my opinion of +my own merit, which, still outstripping the rewards he conferred on me, +inspired me rather with dissatisfaction than gratitude. And thus, +by preferring me beyond my merit or first expectation, he made me an +envious aspiring enemy, whom perhaps a more moderate bounty would have +preserved a dutiful servant. + +“I fell now acquainted with one Lucilius, a creature of the prime +minister Eutropius, who had by his favor been raised to the post of +a tribune; a man of low morals, and eminent only in that meanest of +qualities, cunning. This gentleman, imagining me a fit tool for the +minister’s purpose, having often sounded my principles of honor and +honesty, both which he declared to me were words without meaning, +and finding my ready concurrence in his sentiments, recommended me +to Eutropius as very proper to execute some wicked purposes he had +contrived against my frend Timasius. The minister embraced this +recommendation, and I was accordingly acquainted by Lucilius (after some +previous accounts of the great esteem Eutropius entertained of me, from +the testimony he had borne of my parts) that he would introduce me to +him; adding that he was a great encourager of merit, and that I might +depend upon his favor. + +“I was with little difficulty prevailed on to accept of this invitation. +A late hour therefore the next evening being appointed, I attended my +friend Lucilius to the minister’s house. + +“He received me with the utmost civility and cheerfulness, and affected +so much regard to me, that I, who knew nothing of these high scenes of +life, concluded I had in him a most disinterested friend, owing to the +favorable report which Lucilius had made of me. I was however soon cured +of this opinion; for immediately after supper our discourse turned on +the injustice which the generality of the world were guilty of in their +conduct to great men, expecting that they should reward their private +merit, without ever endeavoring to apply it to their use. ‘What avail,’ +said Eutropius, ‘the learning, wit, courage, or any virtue which a man +may be possessed of, to me, unless I receive some benefit from them? +Hath he not more merit to me who doth my business and obeys my commands, +without any of these qualities?’ I gave such entire satisfaction in +my answers on this head, that both the minister and his creature grew +bolder, and after some preface began to accuse Timasius. At last, +finding I did not attempt to defend him, Lucilius swore a great oath +that he was not fit to live, and that he would destroy him. Eutropius +answered that it would be too dangerous a task: ‘Indeed,’ says he, ‘his +crimes are of so black a dye, and so well known to the emperor, that his +death must be a very acceptable service, and could not fail meeting a +proper reward: but I question whether you are capable of executing +it.’ ‘If he is not,’ cried I, ‘I am; and surely no man can have greater +motives to destroy him than myself: for, besides his disloyalty to my +prince, for whom I have so perfect a duty, I have private disobligations +to him. I have had fellows put over my head, to the great scandal of +the service in general, and to my own prejudice and disappointment +in particular.’ I will not repeat you my whole speech; but, to be as +concise as possible, when we parted that evening the minister squeezed +me heartily by the hand, and with great commendation of my honesty and +assurances of his favor, he appointed me the next evening to come to +him alone; when, finding me, after a little more scrutiny, ready for his +purpose, he proposed to me to accuse Timasius of high treason, promising +me the highest rewards if I would undertake it. The consequence to him, +I suppose you know, was ruin; but what was it to me? Why, truly, when +I waited on Eutropius for the fulfilling his promises, received me +with great distance and coldness; and, on my dropping some hints of +my expectations from him, he affected not to understand me; saying +he thought impunity was the utmost I could hope for on discovering my +accomplice, whose offense was only greater than mine, as he was in +a higher station; and telling me he had great difficulty to obtain a +pardon for me from the emperor, which he said, he had struggled very +hardly for, as he had worked the discovery out of me. He turned away, +and addressed himself to another person. + +“I was so incensed at this treatment, that I resolved revenge, and +should certainly have pursued it, had he not cautiously prevented me by +taking effectual means to despatch me soon after out of the world. + +“You will, I believe, now think I had a second good chance for the +bottomless pit, and indeed Minos seemed inclined to tumble me in, till +he was informed of the revenge taken on me by Roderic, and my seven +years’ subsequent servitude to the widow; which he thought sufficient to +make atonement for all the crimes a single life could admit of, and so +sent me back to try my fortune a third time.” + + + + +CHAPTER XI + + In which Julian relates his adventures in the character of + an avaricious Jew. + +“The next character in which I was destined to appear in the flesh was +that of an avaricious Jew. I was born in Alexandria in Egypt. My name +was Balthazar. Nothing very remarkable happened to me till the year +of the memorable tumult in which the Jews of that city are reported in +history to have massacred more Christians than at that time dwelt in it. +Indeed, the truth is, they did maul the dogs pretty handsomely; but I +myself was not present, for as all our people were ordered to be armed, +I took that opportunity of selling two swords, which probably I might +otherwise never have disposed of, they being extremely old and rusty; so +that, having no weapon left, I did not care to venture abroad. Besides, +though I really thought it an act meriting salvation to murder the +Nazarenes, as the fact was to be committed at midnight, at which time, +to avoid suspicion, we were all to sally from our own houses, I could +not persuade myself to consume so much oil in sitting up to that hour: +for these reasons therefore I remained at home that evening. + +“I was at this time greatly enamored with one Hypatia, the daughter of a +philosopher; a young lady of the greatest beauty and merit: indeed, she +had every imaginable ornament both of mind and body. She seemed not +to dislike my person; but there were two obstructions to our marriage, +viz., my religion and her poverty: both which might probably have been +got over, had not those dogs the Christians murdered her; and, what is +worse, afterwards burned her body: worse, I say, because I lost by that +means a jewel of some value, which I had presented to her, designing, if +our nuptials did not take place, to demand it of her back again. + +“Being thus disappointed in my love, I soon after left Alexandria and +went to the imperial city, where I apprehended I should find a good +market for jewels on the approaching marriage of the emperor with +Athenais. I disguised myself as a beggar on this journey, for these +reasons: first, as I imagined I should thus carry my jewels with greater +safety; and, secondly, to lessen my expenses; which latter expedient +succeeded so well, that I begged two oboli on my way more than my +traveling cost me, my diet being chiefly roots, and my drink water. + +“But perhaps, it had been better for me if I had been more lavish +and more expeditious; for the ceremony was over before I reached +Constantinople; so that I lost that glorious opportunity of disposing of +my jewels with which many of our people were greatly enriched. + +“The life of a miser is very little worth relating, as it is one +constant scheme of getting or saving money. I shall therefore repeat to +you some few only of my adventures, without regard to any order. + +“A Roman Jew, who was a great lover of Falernian wine, and who indulged +himself very freely with it, came to dine at my house; when, knowing he +should meet with little wine, and that of the cheaper sort, sent me in +half-a-dozen jars of Falernian. Can you believe I would not give this +man his own wine? Sir, I adulterated it so that I made six jars +of [them] three, which he and his friend drank; the other three I +afterwards sold to the very person who originally sent them me, knowing +he would give a better price than any other. + +“A noble Roman came one day to my house in the country, which I had +purchased, for half the value, of a distressed person. My neighbors paid +him the compliment of some music, on which account, when he departed, +he left a piece of gold with me to be distributed among them. I pocketed +this money, and ordered them a small vessel of sour wine, which I could +not have sold for above two drachms, and afterwards made them pay in +work three times the value of it. + +“As I was not entirely void of religion, though I pretended to +infinitely more than I had, so I endeavored to reconcile my transactions +to my conscience as well as possible. Thus I never invited any one to +eat with me, but those on whose pockets I had some design. After our +collation it was constantly my method to set down in a book I kept for +that purpose, what I thought they owed me for their meal. Indeed, this +was generally a hundred times as much as they could have dined elsewhere +for; but, however, it was quid pro quo, if not ad valorem. Now, whenever +the opportunity offered of imposing on them I considered it only as +paying myself what they owed me: indeed, I did not always confine myself +strictly to what I had set down, however extravagant that was; but I +reconciled taking the overplus to myself as usance. + +“But I was not only too cunning for others--I sometimes overreached +myself. I have contracted distempers for want of food and warmth, which +have put me to the expense of a physician; nay, I once very narrowly +escaped death by taking bad drugs, only to save one seven-eighth per +cent in the price. + +“By these and such like means, in the midst of poverty and every kind of +distress, I saw myself master of an immense fortune, the casting up and +ruminating on which was my daily and only pleasure. This was, however, +obstructed and embittered by two considerations, which against my will +often invaded my thoughts. One, which would have been intolerable (but +that indeed seldom troubled me), was, that I must one day leave my +darling treasure. + +“The other haunted me continually, viz., that my riches were no greater. +However, I comforted myself against this reflection by an assurance that +they would increase daily: on which head my hopes were so extensive that +I may say with Virgil-- + +‘His ego nec metas rerum nec tempora pono.’ + +Indeed I am convinced that, had I possessed the whole globe of earth, +save one single drachma, which I had been certain never to be master +of--I am convinced, I say, that single drachma would have given me more +uneasiness than all the rest could afford me pleasure. + +“To say the truth, between my solicitude in contriving schemes to +procure money and my extreme anxiety in preserving it, I never had one +moment of ease while awake nor of quiet when in my sleep. + +“In all the characters through which I have passed, I have never +undergone half the misery I suffered in this; and, indeed, Minos seemed +to be of the same opinion; for while I stood trembling and shaking in +expectation of my sentence he bid me go back about my business, for that +nobody was to be d--n’d in more worlds than one. And, indeed, I have +since learned that the devil will not receive a miser.” + + + + +CHAPTER XII + + What happened to Julian in the characters of a general, an + heir, a carpenter, and a beau. + +“The next step I took into the world was at Apollonia, in Thrace, where +I was born of a beautiful Greek slave, who was the mistress of Eutyches, +a great favorite of the emperor Zeno. That prince, at his restoration, +gave me the command of a cohort, I being then but fifteen years of age; +and a little afterwards, before I had even seen an army, preferred me, +over the heads of all the old officers, to be a tribune. + +“As I found an easy access to the emperor, by means of my father’s +intimacy with him, he being a very good courtier--or, in other words, a +most prostitute flatterer--so I soon ingratiated myself with Zeno, and +so well imitated my father in flattering him, that he would never part +with me from about his person. So that the first armed force I ever +beheld was that with which Marcian surrounded the palace, where I was +then shut up with the rest of the court. + +“I was afterwards put at the head of a legion and ordered to march into +Syria with Theodoric the Goth; that is, I mean my legion was so ordered; +for, as to myself, I remained at court, with the name and pay of a +general, without the labor or the danger. + + “As nothing could be more gay, i. e., debauched, than Zeno’s +court, so the ladies of gay disposition had great sway in it; +particularly one, whose name was Fausta, who, though not extremely +handsome, was by her wit and sprightliness very agreeable to the +emperor. With her I lived in good correspondence, and we together +disposed of all kinds of commissions in the army, not to those who had +most merit, but who would purchase at the highest rate. My levee was now +prodigiously thronged by officers who returned from the campaigns, who, +though they might have been convinced by daily example how ineffectual +a recommendation their services were, still continued indefatigable in +attendance, and behaved to me with as much observance and respect as I +should have been entitled to for making their fortunes, while I suffered +them and their families to starve. + +“Several poets, likewise, addressed verses to me, in which they +celebrated my achievements; and what, perhaps, may seem strange to us +at present, I received all this incense with most greedy vanity, without +once reflecting that, as I did not deserve these compliments, they +should rather put me in mind of my defects. + +“My father was now dead, and I became so absolute in the emperor’s grace +that one unacquainted with courts would scarce believe the servility +with which all kinds of persons who entered the walls of the palace +behaved towards me. A bow, a smile, a nod from me, as I passed through +cringing crowds, were esteemed as signal favors; but a gracious word +made any one happy; and, indeed, had this real benefit attending it, +that it drew on the person on whom it was bestowed a very great degree +of respect from all others; for these are of current value in courts, +and, like notes in trading communities, are assignable from one to the +other. The smile of a court favorite immediately raises the person +who receives it, and gives a value to his smile when conferred on an +inferior: thus the smile is transferred from one to the other, and the +great man at last is the person to discount it. For instance, a very +low fellow hath a desire for a place. To whom is he to apply? Not to the +great man; for to him he hath no access. He therefore applies to A, who +is the creature of B, who is the tool of C, who is the flatterer of D, +who is the catamite of E, who is the pimp of F, who is the bully of G, +who is the buffoon of I, who is the husband of K, who is the whore of +L, who is the bastard of M, who is the instrument of the great man. Thus +the smile descending regularly from the great man to A, is discounted +back again, and at last paid by the great man. + +“It is manifest that a court would subsist as difficultly without this +kind of coin as a trading city without paper credit. Indeed, they differ +in this, that their value is not quite so certain, and a favorite may +protest his smile without the danger of bankruptcy. + +“In the midst of all this glory the emperor died, and Anastasius was +preferred to the crown. As it was yet uncertain whether I should not +continue in favor, I was received as usual at my entrance into the +palace to pay my respects to the new emperor; but I was no sooner rumped +by him than I received the same compliment from all the rest; the whole +room, like a regiment of soldiers, turning their backs to me all at +once: my smile now was become of equal value with the note of a broken +banker, and every one was as cautious not to receive it. + +“I made as much haste as possible from the court, and shortly after +from the city, retreating to the place of my nativity, where I spent the +remainder of my days in a retired life in husbandry, the only amusement +for which I was qualified, having neither learning nor virtue. + +“When I came to the gate Minos again seemed at first doubtful, but at +length dismissed me; saying though I had been guilty of many heinous +crimes, in as much as I had, though a general, never been concerned in +spilling human blood, I might return again to earth. + +“I was now again born in Alexandria, and, by great accident, entering +into the womb of my daughter-in-law, came forth my own grandson, +inheriting that fortune which I had before amassed. + +“Extravagance was now as notoriously my vice as avarice had been +formerly; and I spent in a very short life what had cost me the labor +of a very long one to rake together. Perhaps you will think my present +condition was more to be envied than my former: but upon my word it was +very little so; for, by possessing everything almost before I desired +it, I could hardly ever say I enjoyed my wish: I scarce ever knew the +delight of satisfying a craving appetite. Besides, as I never once +thought, my mind was useless to me, and I was an absolute stranger to +all the pleasures arising from it. Nor, indeed, did my education qualify +me for any delicacy in other enjoyments; so that in the midst of plenty +I loathed everything. Taste for elegance I had none; and the greatest of +corporeal blisses I felt no more from than the lowest animal. In a word, +as while a miser I had plenty without daring to use it, so now I had it +without appetite. + +“But if I was not very happy in the height of my enjoyment, so I +afterwards became perfectly miserable; being soon overtaken by disease, +and reduced to distress, till at length, with a broken constitution and +broken heart, I ended my wretched days in a jail: nor can I think the +sentence of Minos too mild, who condemned me, after having taken a large +dose of avarice, to wander three years on the banks of Cocytus, with +the knowledge of having spent the fortune in the person of the grandson +which I had raised in that of the grandfather. + +“The place of my birth, on my return to the world, was Constantinople, +where my father was a carpenter. The first thing I remember was, the +triumph of Belisarius, which was, indeed, most noble show; but nothing +pleased me so much as the figure of Gelimer, king of the African +Vandals, who, being led captive on this occasion, reflecting with +disdain on the mutation of his own fortune, and on the ridiculous empty +pomp of the conqueror, cried out, VANITY, VANITY, ALL IS MERE VANITY.’ + +“I was bred up to my father’s trade, and you may easily believe so low a +sphere could produce no adventures worth your notice. However, I married +a woman I liked, and who proved a very tolerable wife. My days were +passed in hard labor, but this procured me health, and I enjoyed a +homely supper at night with my wife with more pleasure than I apprehend +greater persons find at their luxurious meals. My life had scarce any +variety in it, and at my death I advanced to Minos with great confidence +of entering the gate: but I was unhappily obliged to discover some +frauds I had been guilty of in the measure of my work when I worked +by the foot, as well as my laziness when I was employed by the day. On +which account, when I attempted to pass, the angry judge laid hold on +me by the shoulders, and turned me back so violently, that, had I had a +neck of flesh and bone, I believe he would have broke it.” + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + + Julian passes into a fop. + +“My scene of action was Rome. I was born into a noble family, and heir +to a considerable fortune. On which my parents, thinking I should not +want any talents, resolved very kindly and wisely to throw none away +upon me. The only instructors of my youth were therefore one Saltator, +who taught me several motions for my legs; and one Ficus, whose business +was to show me the cleanest way (as he called it) of cutting off a man’s +head. When I was well accomplished in these sciences, I thought nothing +more wanting, but what was to be furnished by the several mechanics in +Rome, who dealt in dressing and adorning the pope. Being therefore well +equipped with all which their art could produce, I became at the age +of twenty a complete finished beau. And now during forty-five years I +dressed, I sang and danced, and danced and sang, I bowed and ogled, and +ogled and bowed, till, in the sixty-sixth year of my age, I got cold by +overheating myself with dancing, and died. + +“Minos told me, as I was unworthy of Elysium, so I was too insignificant +to be damned, and therefore bade me walk back again.” + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + + Adventures in the person of a monk. + +“Fortune now placed me in the character of a younger brother of a good +house, and I was in my youth sent to school; but learning was now at so +low an ebb, that my master himself could hardly construe a sentence +of Latin; and as for Greek, he could not read it. With very little +knowledge therefore, and with altogether as little virtue, I was set +apart for the church, and at the proper age commenced monk. I lived many +years retired in a cell, a life very agreeable to the gloominess of my +temper, which was much inclined to despise the world; that is, in other +words, to envy all men of superior fortune and qualifications, and in +general to hate and detest the human species. Notwithstanding which, +I could, on proper occasions, submit to flatter the vilest fellow in +nature, which I did one Stephen, an eunuch, a favorite of the emperor +Justinian II, one of the wickedest wretches whom perhaps the world ever +saw. I not only wrote a panegyric on this man, but I commended him as +a pattern to all others in my sermons; by which means I so greatly +ingratiated myself with him, that he introduced me to the emperor’s +presence, where I prevailed so far by the same methods, that I was +shortly taken from my cell, and preferred to a place at court. I was no +sooner established in the favor of Justinian than I prompted him to all +kind of cruelty. As I was of a sour morose temper, and hated nothing +more than the symptoms of happiness appearing in any countenance, I +represented all kind of diversion and amusement as the most horrid sins. +I inveighed against cheerfulness as levity, and encouraged nothing but +gravity, or, to confess the truth to you, hypocrisy. The unhappy +emperor followed my advice, and incensed the people by such repeated +barbarities, that he was at last deposed by them and banished. + +“I now retired again to my cell (for historians mistake in saying I was +put to death), where I remained safe from the danger of the irritated +mob, whom I cursed in my own heart as much as they could curse me. + +“Justinian, after three years of his banishment, returned to +Constantinople in disguise, and paid me a visit. I at first affected +not to know him, and without the least compunction of gratitude for his +former favors, intended not to receive him, till a thought immediately +suggested itself to me how I might convert him to my advantage, I +pretended to recollect him; and, blaming the shortness of my memory +and badness of my eyes, I sprung forward and embraced him with great +affection. + +“My design was to betray him to Apsimar, who, I doubted not, would +generously reward such a service. I therefore very earnestly requested +him to spend the whole evening with me; to which he consented. I formed +an excuse for leaving him a few minutes, and ran away to the palace to +acquaint Apsimar with the guest whom I had then in my cell. He presently +ordered a guard to go with me and seize him; but, whether the length of +my stay gave him any suspicion, or whether he changed his purpose after +my departure, I know not; for at my return we found he had given us the +slip; nor could we with the most diligent search discover him. + +“Apsimar, being disappointed of his prey, now raged at me; at first +denouncing the most dreadful vengeance if I did not produce the deposed +monarch. However, by soothing his passion when at the highest, and +afterwards by canting and flattery, I made a shift to escape his fury. + +“When Justinian was restored I very confidently went to wish him joy +of his restoration: but it seems he had unfortunately heard of my +treachery, so that he at first received me coldly, and afterwards +upbraided me openly with what I had done. I persevered stoutly in +denying it, as I knew no evidence could be produced against me; till, +finding him irreconcilable, I betook myself to reviling him in my +sermons, and on every other occasion, as an enemy to the church and good +men, and as an infidel, a heretic, an atheist, a heathen, and an Arian. +This I did immediately on his return, and before he gave those flagrant +proofs of his inhumanity which afterwards sufficiently verified all I +had said. + +“Luckily I died on the same day when a great number of those forces +which Justinian had sent against the Thracian Bosphorus, and who had +executed such unheard-of cruelties there, perished. As every one +of these was cast into the bottomless pit, Minos was so tired with +condemnation, that he proclaimed that all present who had not been +concerned in that bloody expedition might, if they pleased, return to +the other world. I took him at his word, and, presently turning about, +began my journey.” + + + + +CHAPTER XV + + Julian passes into the character of a fiddler. + +“Rome was now the seat of my nativity. My mother was an African, a woman +of no great beauty, but a favorite, I suppose from her piety, of +pope Gregory II. Who was my father I know not, but I believe no very +considerable man; for after the death of that pope, who was, out of his +religion, a very good friend of my mother, we fell into great distress, +and were at length reduced to walk the streets of Rome; nor had either +of us any other support but a fiddle, on which I played with pretty +tolerable skill; for, as my genius turned naturally to music, so I had +been in my youth very early instructed at the expense of the good pope. +This afforded us but a very poor livelihood: for, though I had often +a numerous crowd of hearers, few ever thought themselves obliged to +contribute the smallest pittance to the poor starving wretch who had +given them pleasure. Nay, some of the graver sort, after an hour’s +attention to my music, have gone away shaking their heads, and crying it +was a shame such vagabonds were suffered to stay in the city. + +“To say the truth, I am confident the fiddle would not have kept us +alive had we entirely depended on the generosity of my hearers. My +mother therefore was forced to use her own industry; and while I was +soothing the ears of the crowd, she applied to their pockets, and that +generally with such good success that we now began to enjoy a very +comfortable subsistence; and indeed, had we had the least prudence or +forecast, might have soon acquired enough to enable us to quit this +dangerous and dishonorable way of life: but I know not what is the +reason that money got with labor and safety is constantly preserved, +while the produce of danger and ease is commonly spent as easily, and +often as wickedly, as acquired. Thus we proportioned our expenses rather +by what we had than what we wanted or even desired; and on obtaining a +considerable booty we have even forced nature into the most profligate +extravagance, and have been wicked without inclination. + +“We carried on this method of thievery for a long time without +detection: but, as Fortune generally leaves persons of extraordinary +ingenuity in the lurch at last, so did she us; for my poor mother was +taken in the fact, and, together with myself, as her accomplice, hurried +before a magistrate. + +“Luckily for us, the person who was to be our judge was the greatest +lover of music in the whole city, and had often sent for me to play +to him, for which, as he had given me very small rewards, perhaps his +gratitude now moved him: but, whatever was his motive, he browbeat the +informers against us, and treated their evidence with so little favor, +that their mouths were soon stopped, and we dismissed with honor; +acquitted, I should rather have it said, for we were not suffered to +depart till I had given the judge several tunes on the fiddle. + +“We escaped the better on this occasion because the person robbed +happened to be a poet; which gave the judge, who was a facetious person, +many opportunities of jesting. He said poets and musicians should agree +together, seeing they had married sisters; which he afterwards explained +to be the sister arts. And when the piece of gold was produced he burst +into a loud laugh, and said it must be the golden age, when poets had +gold in their pockets, and in that age there could be no robbers. He +made many more jests of the same kind, but a small taste will suffice. + +“It is a common saying that men should take warning by any signal +delivery; but I cannot approve the justice of it; for to me it seems +that the acquittal of a guilty person should rather inspire him with +confidence, and it had this effect on us: for we now laughed at the law, +and despised its punishments, which we found were to be escaped even +against positive evidence. We imagined the late example was rather a +warning to the accuser than the criminal, and accordingly proceeded in +the most impudent and flagitious manner. + +“Among other robberies, one night, being admitted by the servants into +the house of an opulent priest, my mother took an opportunity, whilst +the servants were dancing to my tunes, to convey away a silver vessel; +this she did without the least sacrilegious intention; but it seems the +cup, which was a pretty large one, was dedicated to holy uses, and only +borrowed by the priest on an entertainment which he made for some of his +brethren. We were immediately pursued upon this robbery (the cup being +taken in our possession), and carried before the same magistrate, who +had before behaved to us with so much gentleness: but his countenance +was now changed, for the moment the priest appeared against us, his +severity was as remarkable as his candor had been before, and we were +both ordered to be stripped and whipped through the streets. + +“This sentence was executed with great severity, the priest himself +attending and encouraging the executioner, which he said he did for the +good of our souls; but, though our backs were both flayed, neither +my mother’s torments nor my own afflicted me so much as the indignity +offered to my poor fiddle, which was carried in triumph before me, and +treated with a contempt by the multitude, intimating a great scorn +for the science I had the honor to profess; which, as it is one of +the noblest inventions of men, and as I had been always in the highest +degree proud of my excellence in it, I suffered so much from the +ill-treatment my fiddle received, that I would have given all my +remainder of skin to have preserved it from this affront. + +“My mother survived the whipping a very short time; and I was now +reduced to great distress and misery, till a young Roman of considerable +rank took a fancy to me, received me into his family, and conversed with +me in the utmost familiarity. He had a violent attachment to music, and +would learn to play on the fiddle; but, through want of genius for the +science, he never made any considerable progress. However, I flattered +his performance, and he grew extravagantly fond of me for so doing. +Had I continued this behavior I might possibly have reaped the greatest +advantages from his kindness; but I had raised his own opinion of his +musical abilities so high, that he now began to prefer his skill to +mine, a presumption I could not bear. One day as we were playing in +concert he was horribly out; nor was it possible, as he destroyed the +harmony, to avoid telling him of it. Instead of receiving my correction, +he answered it was my blunder and not his, and that I had mistaken the +key. Such an affront from my own scholar was beyond human patience; I +flew into a violent passion, I flung down my instrument in a rage, and +swore I was not to be taught music at my age. He answered, with as much +warmth, nor was he to be instructed by a strolling fiddler. The dispute +ended in a challenge to play a prize before judges. This wager was +determined in my favor; but the purchase was a dear one, for I lost my +friend by it, who now, twitting me with all his kindness, with my former +ignominious punishment, and the destitute condition from which I had +been by his bounty relieved, discarded me for ever. + +“While I lived with this gentleman I became known, among others, to +Sabina, a lady of distinction, and who valued herself much on her taste +for music. She no sooner heard of my being discarded than she took +me into her house, where I was extremely well clothed and fed. +Notwithstanding which, my situation was far from agreeable; for I was +obliged to submit to her constant reprehensions before company, which +gave me the greater uneasiness because they were always wrong; nor am I +certain that she did not by these provocations contribute to my death: +for, as experience had taught me to give up my resentment to my bread, +so my passions, for want of outward vent, preyed inwardly on my vitals, +and perhaps occasioned the distemper of which I sickened. + +“The lady, who, amidst all the faults she found, was very fond of +me, nay, probably was the fonder of me the more faults she found, +immediately called in the aid of three celebrated physicians. The +doctors (being well fee’d) made me seven visits in three days, and +two of them were at the door to visit me the eighth time, when, being +acquainted that I was just dead, they shook their heads and departed. + +“When I came to Minos he asked me with a smile whether I had brought my +fiddle with me; and, receiving an answer in the negative, he bid me get +about my business, saying it was well for me that the devil was no lover +of music.” + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + + The history of the wise man. + +“I now returned to Rome, but in a very different character. Fortune had +now allotted me a serious part to act. I had even in my infancy a grave +disposition, nor was I ever seen to smile, which infused an opinion into +all about me that I was a child of great solidity; some foreseeing that +I should be a judge, and others a bishop. At two years old my father +presented me with a rattle, which I broke to pieces with great +indignation. This the good parent, being extremely wise, regarded as an +eminent symptom of my wisdom, and cried out in a kind of ecstasy, ‘Well +said, boy! I warrant thou makest a great man.’ + +“At school I could never be persuaded to play with my mates; not that +I spent my hours in learning, to which I was not in the least addicted, +nor indeed had I any talents for it. However, the solemnity of my +carriage won so much on my master, who was a most sagacious person, +that I was his chief favorite, and my example on all occasions was +recommended to the other boys, which filled them with envy, and me with +pleasure; but, though they envied me, they all paid me that involuntary +respect which it is the curse attending this passion to bear towards its +object. + +“I had now obtained universally the character of a very wise young man, +which I did not altogether purchase without pains; for the restraint I +laid on myself in abstaining from the several diversions adapted to my +years cost me many a yearning; but the pride which I inwardly enjoyed in +the fancied dignity of my character made me some amends. + +“Thus I passed on, without anything very memorable happening to me, +till I arrived at the age of twenty-three, when unfortunately I fell +acquainted with a young Neapolitan lady whose name was Ariadne. Her +beauty was so exquisite that her first sight made a violent impression +on me; this was again improved by her behavior, which was most genteel, +easy, and affable: lastly, her conversation completed the conquest. In +this she discovered a strong and lively understanding, with the sweetest +and most benign temper. This lovely creature was about eighteen when I +first unhappily beheld her at Rome, on a visit to a relation with whom I +had great intimacy. As our interviews at first were extremely frequent, +my passions were captivated before I apprehended the least danger; and +the sooner probably, as the young lady herself, to whom I consulted +every method of recommendation, was not displeased with my being her +admirer. + +“Ariadne, having spent three months at Rome, now returned to Naples, +bearing my heart with her: on the other hand, I had all the assurances +consistent with the constraint under which the most perfect modesty lays +a young woman, that her own heart was not entirely unaffected. I soon +found her absence gave me an uneasiness not easy to be borne or +to remove. I now first applied to diversions (of the graver sort, +particularly to music), but in vain; they rather raised my desires and +heightened my anguish. My passion at length grew so violent, that I +began to think of satisfying it. As the first step to this, I cautiously +inquired into the circumstances of Ariadne’s parents, with which I was +hitherto unacquainted: though, indeed, I did not apprehend they were +extremely great, notwithstanding the handsome appearance of their +daughter at Rome. Upon examination, her fortune exceeded my expectation, +but was not sufficient to justify my marriage with her, in the opinion +of the wise and prudent. I had now a violent struggle between wisdom +and happiness, in which, after several grievous pangs, wisdom got +the better. I could by no means prevail with myself to sacrifice that +character of profound wisdom, which I had with such uniform conduct +obtained, and with such caution hitherto preserved. I therefore resolved +to conquer my affection, whatever it cost me; and indeed it did not cost +me a little. + +“While I was engaged in this conflict (for it lasted a long time) +Ariadne returned to Rome: her presence was a terrible enemy to my +wisdom, which even in her absence had with great difficulty stood +its ground. It seems (as she hath since told me in Elysium with much +merriment) I had made the same impressions on her which she had made on +me. Indeed, I believe my wisdom would have been totally subdued by this +surprise, had it not cunningly suggested to me a method of satisfying my +passion without doing any injury to my reputation. This was by engaging +her privately as a mistress, which was at that time reputable enough +at Rome, provided the affair was managed with an air of slyness and +gravity, though the secret was known to the whole city. + +“I immediately set about this project, and employed every art and engine +to effect it. I had particularly bribed her priest, and an old female +acquaintance and distant relation of hers, into my interest: but all +was in vain; her virtue opposed the passion in her breast as strongly as +wisdom had opposed it in mine. She received my proposals with the utmost +disdain, and presently refused to see or hear from me any more. + +“She returned again to Naples, and left me in a worse condition than +before. My days I now passed with the most irksome uneasiness, and +my nights were restless and sleepless. The story of our amour was now +pretty public, and the ladies talked of our match as certain; but my +acquaintance denied their assent, saying, ‘No, no, he is too wise to +marry so imprudently.’ This their opinion gave me, I own, very great +pleasure; but, to say the truth, scarce compensated the pangs I suffered +to preserve it. + +“One day, while I was balancing with myself, and had almost resolved +to enjoy my happiness at the price of my character, a friend brought +me word that Ariadne was married. This news struck me to the soul; and +though I had resolution enough to maintain my gravity before him (for +which I suffered not a little the more), the moment I was alone I threw +myself into the most violent fit of despair, and would willingly have +parted with wisdom, fortune, and everything else, to have retrieved her; +but that was impossible, and I had now nothing but time to hope a cure +from. This was very tedious in performing it, and the longer as Ariadne +had married a Roman cavalier, was now become my near neighbor, and I had +the mortification of seeing her make the best of wives, and of having +the happiness which I had lost, every day before my eyes. + +“If I suffered so much on account of my wisdom in having refused +Ariadne, I was not much more obliged to it for procuring me a rich +widow, who was recommended to me by an old friend as a very prudent +match; and, indeed, so it was, her fortune being superior to mine in +the same proportion as that of Ariadne had been inferior. I therefore +embraced this proposal, and my character of wisdom soon pleaded so +effectually for me with the widow, who was herself a woman of great +gravity and discretion, that I soon succeeded; and as soon as decency +would permit (of which this lady was the strictest observer) we were +married, being the second day of the second week of the second year +after her husband’s death; for she said she thought some period of time +above the year had a great air of decorum. + +“But, prudent as this lady was, she made me miserable. Her person was +far from being lovely, but her temper was intolerable. + +“During fifteen years’ habitation, I never passed a single day without +heartily cursing her, and the hour in which we came together. The only +comfort I received, in the midst of the highest torments, was from +continually hearing the prudence of my match commended by all my +acquaintance. + +“Thus you see, in the affairs of love, I bought the reputation of +wisdom pretty dear. In other matters I had it somewhat cheaper; not that +hypocrisy, which was the price I gave for it, gives one no pain. I have +refused myself a thousand little amusements with a feigned contempt, +while I have really had an inclination to them. I have often almost +choked myself to restrain from laughing at a jest, and (which was +perhaps to myself the least hurtful of all my hypocrisy) have heartily +enjoyed a book in my closet which I have spoken with detestation of in +public. To sum up my history in short, as I had few adventures worth +remembering, my whole life was one constant lie; and happy would it have +been for me if I could as thoroughly have imposed on myself as I did on +others: for reflection, at every turn, would often remind me I was +not so wise as people thought me; and this considerably embittered the +pleasure I received from the public commendation of my wisdom. This +self-admonition, like a memento mori or mortalis es, must be, in my +opinion, a very dangerous enemy to flattery: indeed, a weight sufficient +to counterbalance all the false praise of the world. But whether it be +that the generality of wise men do not reflect at all, or whether they +have, from a constant imposition on others, contracted such a habit of +deceit as to deceive themselves, I will not determine: it is, I believe, +most certain that very few wise men know themselves what fools they are, +more than the world doth. Good gods! could one but see what passes in +the closet of wisdom! how ridiculous a sight must it be to behold the +wise man, who despises gratifying his palate, devouring custard; the +sober wise man with his dram-bottle; or, the anti-carnalist (if I may +be allowed the expression) chuckling over a b--dy book or picture, and +perhaps caressing his house-maid! + +“But to conclude a character in which I apprehend I made as absurd a +figure as in any in which I trod the stage of earth, my wisdom at last +but an end to itself, that is, occasioned my dissolution. + +“A relation of mine in the eastern part of the empire disinherited his +son, and left me his heir. This happened in the depth of winter, when +I was in my grand climacteric, and had just recovered of a dangerous +disease. As I had all the reason imaginable to apprehend the family of +the deceased would conspire against me, and embezzle as much as they +could, I advised with a grave and wise friend what was proper to be +done; whether I should go myself, or employ a notary on this occasion, +and defer my journey to the spring. To say the truth, I was most +inclined to the latter; the rather as my circumstances were extremely +flourishing, as I was advanced in years, and had not one person in the +world to whom I should with pleasure bequeath any fortune at my death. + +“My friend told me he thought my question admitted of no manner of +doubt or debate; that common prudence absolutely required my immediate +departure; adding, that if the same good luck had happened to him he +would have been already on his journey; ‘for,’ continued he, ‘a man who +knows the world so well as you, would be inexcusable to give persons +such an opportunity of cheating you, who, you must be assured, will +be too well inclined; and as for employing a notary, remember that +excellent maxim, Ne facias per alium, quod fieri potest per te. I +own the badness of the season and your very late recovery are unlucky +circumstances; but a wise man must get over difficulties when necessity +obliges him to encounter them.’ + +“I was immediately determined by this opinion. The duty of a wise man +made an irresistible impression, and I took the necessity for granted +without examination. I accordingly set forward the next morning; very +tempestuous weather soon overtook me; I had not traveled three days +before I relapsed into my fever, and died. + +“I was now as cruelly disappointed by Minos as I had formerly been +happily so. I advanced with the utmost confidence to the gate, and +really imagined I should have been admitted by the wisdom of my +countenance, even without any questions asked: but this was not my case; +and, to my great surprise, Minos, with a menacing voice, called out to +me, ‘You Mr. there, with the grave countenance, whither so fast, pray? +Will you please, before you move any farther forwards, to give me a +short account of your transactions below?’ I then began, and recounted +to him my whole history, still expecting at the end of every period that +the gate would be ordered to fly open; but I was obliged to go quite +through with it, and then Minos after some little consideration spoke to +me as follows:-- + +“‘You, Mr. Wiseman, stand forth if you please. Believe me, sir, a trip +back again to earth will be one of the wisest steps you ever took, +and really more to the honor of your wisdom than any you have hitherto +taken. On the other side, nothing could be simpler than to endeavor at +Elysium; for who but a fool would carry a commodity, which is of such +infinite value in one place, into another where it is of none? But, +without attempting to offend your gravity with a jest, you must return +to the place from whence you came, for Elysium was never designed for +those who are too wise to be happy.’ + +“This sentence confounded me greatly, especially as it seemed to +threaten me with carrying my wisdom back again to earth. I told the +judge, though he would not admit me at the gate, I hoped I had committed +no crime while alive which merited my being wise any longer. He answered +me, I must take my chance as to that matter, and immediately we turned +our backs to each other.” + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + + Julian enters into the person of a king. + +“I was now born at Oviedo in Spain. My father’s name was Veremond, and I +was adopted by my uncle king Alphonso the chaste. + +“I don’t recollect in all the pilgrimages I have made on earth that I +ever passed a more miserable infancy than now; being under the utmost +confinement and restraint, and surrounded with physicians who were +ever dosing me, and tutors who were continually plaguing me with their +instructions; even those hours of leisure which my inclination would +have spent in play were allotted to tedious pomp and ceremony, which, +at an age wherein I had no ambition to enjoy the servility of courtiers, +enslaved me more than it could the meanest of them. However, as I +advanced towards manhood, my condition made me some amends; for the most +beautiful women of their own accord threw out lures for me, and I had +the happiness, which no man in an inferior degree can arrive at, of +enjoying the most delicious creatures, without the previous and +tiresome ceremonies of courtship, unless with the most simple, young and +unexperienced. As for the court ladies, they regarded me rather as men +do the most lovely of the other sex; and, though they outwardly retained +some appearance of modesty, they in reality rather considered themselves +as receiving than conferring favors. + +“Another happiness I enjoyed was in conferring favors of another sort; +for, as I was extremely good-natured and generous, so I had daily +opportunities of satisfying those passions. Besides my own princely +allowance, which was very bountiful, and with which I did many liberal +and good actions, I recommended numberless persons of merit in distress +to the king’s notice, most of whom were provided for. Indeed, had I +sufficiently known my blessed situation at this time, I should have +grieved at nothing more than the death of Alphonso, by which the burden +of government devolved upon me; but, so blindly fond is ambition, and +such charms doth it fancy in the power and pomp and splendor of a +crown, that, though I vehemently loved that king, and had the greatest +obligations to him, the thoughts of succeeding him obliterated my regret +at his loss, and the wish for my approaching coronation dried my eyes at +his funeral. + +“But my fondness for the name of king did not make me forgetful of those +over whom I was to reign. I considered them in the light in which a +tender father regards his children, as persons whose wellbeing God +had intrusted to my care; and again, in that in which a prudent lord +respects his tenants, as those on whose wealth and grandeur he is to +build his own. Both these considerations inspired me with the greatest +care for their welfare, and their good was my first and ultimate +concern. + +“The usurper Mauregas had impiously obliged himself and his successors +to pay to the Moors every year an infamous tribute of an hundred young +virgins: from this cruel and scandalous imposition I resolved to relieve +my country. Accordingly, when their emperor Abderames the second had the +audaciousness to make this demand of me, instead of complying with it I +ordered his ambassadors to be driven away with all imaginable ignominy, +and would have condemned them to death, could I have done it without a +manifest violation of the law of nations. + +“I now raised an immense army; at the levying of which I made a speech +from my throne, acquainting my subjects with the necessity and the +reasons of the war in which I was going to engage: which I convinced +them I had undertaken for their ease and safety, and not for satisfying +any wanton ambition, or revenging any private pique of my own. They all +declared unanimously that they would venture their lives and everything +dear to them in my defense, and in the support of the honor of my crown. +Accordingly, my levies were instantly complete, sufficient numbers +being only left to till the land; churchmen, even bishops themselves, +enlisting themselves under my banners. + +“The armies met at Alvelda, where we were discomfited with immense loss, +and nothing but the lucky intervention of the night could have saved our +whole army. + +“I retreated to the summit of a hill, where I abandoned myself to the +highest agonies of grief, not so much for the danger in which I then saw +my crown, as for the loss of those miserable wretches who had exposed +their lives at my command. I could not then avoid this reflection--that, +if the deaths of these people in a war undertaken absolutely for their +protection could give me such concern, what horror must I have felt if, +like princes greedy of dominion, I had sacrificed such numbers to my own +pride, vanity, and ridiculous lust of power. + +“After having vented my sorrows for some time in this manner, I began +to consider by what means I might possibly endeavor to retrieve this +misfortune; when, reflecting on the great number of priests I had in +my army, and on the prodigious force of superstition, a thought luckily +suggested itself to me, to counterfeit that St. James had appeared to me +in a vision, and had promised me the victory. While I was ruminating on +this the bishop of Najara came opportunely to me. As I did not intend +to communicate the secret to him, I took another method, and, instead +of answering anything the bishop said to me, I pretended to talk to St. +James, as if he had been really present; till at length, after having +spoke those things which I thought sufficient, and thanked the saint +aloud for his promise of the victory, I turned about to the bishop, and, +embracing him with a pleased countenance, protested I did not know he +was present; and then, informing him of this supposed vision, I asked +him if he had not himself seen the saint? He answered me he had; and +afterwards proceeded to assure me that this appearance of St. James was +entirely owing to his prayers; for that he was his tutelar saint. He +added he had a vision of him a few hours before, when he promised him +a victory over the infidels, and acquainted him at the same time of the +vacancy of the see of Toledo. Now, this news being really true, though +it had happened so lately that I had not heard of it (nor, indeed, was +it well possible I should, considering the great distance of the way), +when I was afterwards acquainted with it, a little staggered me, though +far from being superstitious; till being informed that the bishop had +lost three horses on a late expedition, I was satisfied. + +“The next morning, the bishop, at my desire, mounted the rostrum, and +trumpeted forth this vision so effectually, which he said he had that +evening twice seen with his own eyes, that a spirit began to be infused +through the whole army which rendered them superior to almost any force: +the bishop insisted that the least doubt of success was giving the lie +to the saint, and a damnable sin, and he took upon him in his name to +promise them victory. + +“The army being drawn out, I soon experienced the effect of enthusiasm, +for, having contrived another stratagem [9] to strengthen what the +bishop had said, the soldiers fought more like furies than men. My +stratagem was this: I had about me a dexterous fellow, who had been +formerly a pimp in my amours. Him I dressed up in a strange antic dress, +with a pair of white colors in his right hand, a red cross in his left, +and having disguised him so that no one could know him, I placed him on +a white horse, and ordered him to ride to the head of the army, and cry +out, ‘Follow St. James!’ These words were reiterated by all the troops, +who attacked the enemy with such intrepidity, that, notwithstanding our +inferiority of numbers, we soon obtained a complete victory. + +“The bishop was come up by the time that the enemy was routed, and, +acquainting us that he had met St. James by the way, and that he had +informed him of what had passed, he added that he had express orders +from the saint to receive a considerable sum for his use, and that a +certain tax on corn and wine should be settled on his church for ever; +and lastly, that a horseman’s pay should be allowed for the future +to the saint himself, of which he and his successors were appointed +receivers. The army received these demands with such acclamations that +I was obliged to comply with them, as I could by no means discover the +imposition, nor do I believe I should have gained any credit if I had. + +“I had now done with the saint, but the bishop had not; for about a week +afterwards lights were seen in a wood near where the battle was fought; +and in a short time afterwards they discovered his tomb at the same +place. Upon this the bishop made me a visit, and forced me to go +thither, to build a church to him, and largely endow it. In a word, the +good man so plagued me with miracle after miracle, that I was forced to +make interest with the pope to convey him to Toledo, to get rid of him. + +“But to proceed to other matters.--There was an inferior officer, +who had behaved very bravely in the battle against the Moors, and had +received several wounds, who solicited me for preferment; which I was +about to confer on him, when one of my ministers came to me in a fright, +and told me that he had promised the post I designed for this man to the +son of count Alderedo; and that the count, who was a powerful person, +would be greatly disobliged at the refusal, as he had sent for his son +from school to take possession of it. I was obliged to agree with my +minister’s reasons, and at the same time recommended the wounded soldier +to be preferred by him, which he faithfully promised he would; but I +met the poor wretch since in Elysium, who informed me he was afterwards +starved to death. + +“None who hath not been himself a prince, nor any prince till his death, +can conceive the impositions daily put on them by their favorites and +ministers; so that princes are often blamed for the faults of others. +The count of Saldagne had been long confined in prison, when his son, D. +Bernard del Carpio, who had performed the greatest actions against +the Moors, entreated me, as a reward for his service, to grant him his +father’s liberty. The old man’s punishment had been so tedious, and +the services of the young one so singularly eminent, that I was very +inclinable to grant the request; but my ministers strongly opposed it; +they told me my glory demanded revenge for the dishonor offered to my +family; that so positive a demand carried with it rather the air of +menace than entreaty; that the vain detail of his services, and the +recompense due to them, was an injurious reproach; that to grant what +had been so haughtily demanded would argue in the monarch both weakness +and timidity; in a word, that to remit the punishment inflicted by my +predecessors would be to condemn their judgment. Lastly, one told me in +a whisper, ‘His whole family are enemies to your house.’ By these means +the ministers prevailed. The young lord took the refusal so ill, that he +retired from court, and abandoned himself to despair, whilst the old one +languished in prison. By which means, as I have since discovered, I lost +the use of two of my best subjects. + +“To confess the truth, I had, by means of my ministers, conceived a very +unjust opinion of my whole people, whom I fancied to be daily conspiring +against me, and to entertain the most disloyal thoughts, when, in +reality (as I have known since my death), they held me in universal +respect and esteem. This is a trick, I believe, too often played with +sovereigns, who, by such means, are prevented from that open intercourse +with their subjects which, as it would greatly endear the person of the +prince to the people, so might it often prove dangerous to a minister +who was consulting his own interest only at the expense of both. I +believe I have now recounted to you the most material passages of my +life; for I assure you there are some incidents in the lives of kings +not extremely worth relating. Everything which passes in their minds +and families is not attended with the splendor which surrounds their +throne--indeed, there are some hours wherein the naked king and the +naked cobbler can scarce be distinguished from each other. + +“Had it not been, however, for my ingratitude to Bernard del Carpio, I +believe this would have been my last pilgrimage on earth; for, as to the +story of St. James, I thought Minos would have burst his sides at it; +but he was so displeased with me on the other account, that, with a +frown, he cried out, ‘Get thee back again, king.’ Nor would he suffer me +to say another word.” + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + + Julian passes into a fool. + +“The next visit I made to the world was performed in France, where I +was born in the court of Lewis III, and had afterwards the honor to be +preferred to be fool to the prince, who was surnamed Charles the Simple. +But, in reality, I know not whether I might so properly be said to have +acted the fool in his court as to have made fools of all others in it. +Certain it is, I was very far from being what is generally understood by +that word, being a most cunning, designing, arch knave. I knew very well +the folly of my master, and of many others, and how to make my advantage +of this knowledge. + +“I was as dear to Charles the Simple as the player Paris was to +Domitian, and, like him, bestowed all manner of offices and honors +on whom I pleased. This drew me a great number of followers among +the courtiers, who really mistook me for a fool, and yet flattered my +understanding. There was particularly in the court a fellow who had +neither honor, honesty, sense, wit, courage, beauty, nor indeed any one +good quality, either of mind or body, to recommend him; but was at the +same time, perhaps, as cunning a monster as ever lived. This gentleman +took it into his head to list under my banner, and pursued me so very +assiduously with flattery, constantly reminding me of my good sense, +that I grew immoderately fond of him; for though flattery is not most +judiciously applied to qualities which the persons flattered possess, +yet as, notwithstanding my being well assured of my own parts, I passed +in the whole court for a fool, this flattery was a very sweet morsel to +me. I therefore got this fellow preferred to a bishopric, but I lost my +flatterer by it; for he never afterwards said a civil thing to me. + +“I never balked my imagination for the grossness of the reflection on +the character of the greatest noble--nay, even the king himself; of +which I will give you a very bold instance. One day his simple majesty +told me he believed I had so much power that his people looked on me as +the king, and himself as my fool. + +“At this I pretended to be angry, as with an affront. ‘Why, how now?’ +says the king; ‘are you ashamed of being a king?’ ‘No, sir,’ says I, +‘but I am devilishly ashamed of my fool.’ + +“Herbert, earl of Vermandois, had by my means been restored to the favor +of the Simple (for so I used always to call Charles). He afterwards +prevailed with the king to take the city of Arras from earl Baldwin, by +which means, Herbert, in exchange for this city, had Peronne restored +to him by count Altmar. Baldwin came to court in order to procure +the restoration of his city; but, either through pride or ignorance, +neglected to apply to me. As I met him at court during his solicitation, +I told him he did not apply the right way; he answered roughly he should +not ask a fool’s advice. I replied I did not wonder at his prejudice, +since he had miscarried already by following a fool’s advice; but I told +him there were fools who had more interest than that he had brought with +him to court. He answered me surlily he had no fool with him, for that +he traveled alone. ‘Ay, my lord,’ says I, ‘I often travel alone, and yet +they will have it I always carry a fool with me.’ This raised a laugh +among the by-standers, on which he gave me a blow. I immediately +complained of this usage to the Simple, who dismissed the earl from +court with very hard words, instead of granting him the favor he +solicited. + +“I give you these rather as a specimen of my interest and impudence than +of my wit--indeed, my jests were commonly more admired than they ought +to be; for perhaps I was not in reality much more a wit than a fool. +But, with the latitude of unbounded scurrility, it is easy enough +to attain the character of wit, especially in a court, where, as all +persons hate and envy one another heartily, and are at the same time +obliged by the constrained behavior of civility to profess the greatest +liking, so it is, and must be, wonderfully pleasant to them to see the +follies of their acquaintance exposed by a third person. Besides, the +opinion of the court is as uniform as the fashion, and is always +guided by the will of the prince or of the favorite. I doubt not that +Caligula’s horse was universally held in his court to be a good and +able consul. In the same manner was I universally acknowledged to be the +wittiest fool in the world. Every word I said raised laughter, and +was held to be a jest, especially by the ladies, who sometimes laughed +before I had discovered my sentiment, and often repeated that as a jest +which I did not even intend as one. + +“I was as severe on the ladies as on the men, and with the same +impunity; but this at last cost me dear: for once having joked on the +beauty of a lady whose name was Adelaide, a favorite of the Simple’s, +she pretended to smile and be pleased at my wit with the rest of the +company; but in reality she highly resented it, and endeavored to +undermine me with the king. In which she so greatly succeeded (for what +cannot a favorite woman do with one who deserves the surname of Simple?) +that the king grew every day more reserved to me, and when I attempted +any freedom gave me such marks of his displeasure, that the courtiers +who have all hawks’ eyes at a slight from the sovereign, soon discerned +it: and indeed, had I been blind enough not to have discovered that I +had lost ground in the Simple’s favor by his own change in his carriage +towards me, I must have found it, nay even felt it, in the behavior of +the courtiers: for, as my company was two days before solicited with the +utmost eagerness, it was now rejected with as much scorn. I was now the +jest of the ushers and pages; and an officer of the guards, on whom I +was a little jocose, gave me a box on the ear, bidding me make free with +my equals. This very fellow had been my butt for many years, without +daring to lift his hand against me. + +“But though I visibly perceived the alteration in the Simple, I was +utterly unable to make any guess at the occasion. I had not the least +suspicion of Adelaide; for, besides her being a very good-humored woman, +I had often made severe jests on her reputation, which I had all the +reason imaginable to believe had given her no offense. But I soon +perceived that a woman will bear the most bitter censures on her morals +easier than the smallest reflection on her beauty; for she now declared +publicly, that I ought to be dismissed from court, as the stupidest of +fools, and one in whom there was no diversion; and that she wondered how +any person could have so little taste as to imagine I had any wit. +This speech was echoed through the drawing-room, and agreed to by all +present. Every one now put on an unusual gravity on their countenance +whenever I spoke; and it was as much out of my power to raise a laugh as +formerly it had been for me to open my mouth without one. + +“While my affairs were in this posture I went one day into the circle +without my fool’s dress. The Simple, who would still speak to me, cried +out, ‘So, fool, what’s the matter now?’ ‘Sir,’ answered I, ‘fools are +like to be so common a commodity at court, that I am weary of my coat.’ +‘How dost thou mean?’ answered the Simple; ‘what can make them commoner +now than usual?’--‘O, sir,’ said I, ‘there are ladies here make your +majesty a fool every day of their lives.’ The Simple took no notice +of my jest, and several present said my bones ought to be broke for my +impudence; but it pleased the queen, who, knowing Adelaide, whom she +hated, to be the cause of my disgrace, obtained me of the king, and took +me into her service; so that I was henceforth called the queen’s fool, +and in her court received the same honor, and had as much wit, as I had +formerly had in the king’s. But as the queen had really no power +unless over her own domestics, I was not treated in general with that +complacence, nor did I receive those bribes and presents, which had once +fallen to my share. + +“Nor did this confined respect continue long: for the queen, who had in +fact no taste for humor, soon grew sick of my foolery, and, forgetting +the cause for which she had taken me, neglected me so much, that her +court grew intolerable to my temper, and I broke my heart and died. + +“Minos laughed heartily at several things in my story, and then, telling +me no one played the fool in Elysium, bid me go back again.” + + + + +CHAPTER XIX + + Julian appears in the character of a beggar. + +“I now returned to Rome, and was born into a very poor and numerous +family, which, to be honest with you, procured its livelihood by +begging. This, if you was never yourself of the calling, you do not +know, I suppose, to be as regular a trade as any other; to have its +several rules and secrets, or mysteries, which to learn require perhaps +as tedious an apprenticeship as those of any craft whatever. + +“The first thing we are taught is the countenance miserable. This indeed +nature makes much easier to some than others; but there are none who +cannot accomplish it, if they begin early enough in youth, and before +the muscles are grown too stubborn. + +“The second thing is the voice lamentable. In this qualification too, +nature must have her share in producing the most consummate excellence: +however, art will here, as in every other instance, go a great way +with industry and application, even without the assistance of genius, +especially if the student begins young. + +“There are many other instructions, but these are the most considerable. +The women are taught one practice more than the men, for they are +instructed in the art of crying, that is, to have their tears ready on +all occasions: but this is attained very easily by most. Some indeed +arrive at the utmost perfection in this art with incredible facility. + +“No profession requires a deeper insight into human nature than the +beggar’s. Their knowledge of the passions of men is so extensive, that +I have often thought it would be of no little service to a politician +to have his education among them. Nay, there is a much greater analogy +between these two characters than is imagined; for both concur in their +first and grand principle, it being equally their business to delude and +impose on mankind. It must be confessed that they differ widely in the +degree of advantage which they make by their deceit; for, whereas the +beggar is contented with a little, the politician leaves but a little +behind. + +“A very great English philosopher hath remarked our policy, in taking +care never to address any one with a title inferior to what he really +claims. My father was of the same opinion; for I remember when I was a +boy, the pope happening to pass by, I tended him with ‘Pray, sir;’ ‘For +God’s sake, sir;’ ‘For the Lord’s sake, sir;’--To which he answered +gravely, ‘Sirrah, sirrah, you ought to be whipped for taking the Lord’s +name in vain;’ and in vain it was indeed, for he gave me nothing. My +father, overhearing this, took his advice, and whipped me very severely. +While I was under correction I promised often never to take the Lord’s +name in vain any more. My father then said, ‘Child, I do not whip you +for taking his name in vain; I whip you for not calling the pope his +holiness.’ + +“If all men were so wise and good to follow the clergy’s example, the +nuisance of beggars would soon be removed. I do not remember to have +been above twice relieved by them during my whole state of beggary. Once +was by a very well-looking man, who gave me a small piece of silver, and +declared he had given me more than he had left himself; the other was +by a spruce young fellow, who had that very day first put on his robes, +whom I attended with ‘Pray, reverend sir, good reverend sir, consider +your cloth.’ He answered, ‘I do, child, consider my office, and I hope +all our cloth do the same.’ He then threw down some money, and strutted +off with great dignity. + +“With the women I had one general formulary: ‘Sweet pretty lady,’ ‘God +bless your ladyship,’ ‘God bless your handsome face.’ This generally +succeeded; but I observed the uglier the woman was, the surer I was of +success. + +“It was a constant maxim among us, that the greater retinue any one +traveled with the less expectation we might promise ourselves from them; +but whenever we saw a vehicle with a single or no servant we imagined +our booty sure, and were seldom deceived. + +“We observed great difference introduced by time and circumstance in the +same person; for instance, a losing gamester is sometimes generous, but +from a winner you will as easily obtain his soul as a single groat. A +lawyer traveling from his country seat to his clients at Rome, and a +physician going to visit a patient, were always worth asking; but the +same on their return were (according to our cant phrase) untouchable. + +“The most general, and indeed the truest, maxim among us was, that those +who possessed the least were always the readiest to give. The chief art +of a beggar-man is, therefore, to discern the rich from the poor, which, +though it be only distinguishing substance from shadow, is by no +means attainable without a pretty good capacity and a vast degree of +attention; for these two are eternally industrious in endeavoring to +counterfeit each other. In this deceit the poor man is more heartily +in earnest to deceive you than the rich, who, amidst all the emblems +of poverty which he puts on, still permits some mark of his wealth to +strike the eye. Thus, while his apparel is not worth a groat, his finger +wears a ring of value, or his pocket a gold watch. In a word, he seems +rather to affect poverty to insult than impose on you. Now the poor man, +on the contrary, is very sincere in his desire of passing for rich; but +the eagerness of this desire hurries him to over-act his part, and he +betrays himself as one who is drunk by his overacted sobriety. Thus, +instead of being attended by one servant well mounted, he will have two; +and, not being able to purchase or maintain a second horse of value, +one of his servants at least is mounted on a hired rascallion. He is +not contented to go plain and neat in his clothes; he therefore claps on +some tawdry ornament, and what he adds to the fineness of his vestment +he detracts from the fineness of his linen. Without descending into more +minute particulars, I believe I may assert it as an axiom of indubitable +truth, that whoever shows you he is either in himself or his equipage +as gaudy as he can, convinces you he is more so than he can afford. Now, +whenever a man’s expense exceeds his income, he is indifferent in the +degree; we had therefore nothing more to do with such than to flatter +them with their wealth and splendor, and were always certain of success. + +“There is, indeed, one kind of rich man who is commonly more liberal, +namely, where riches surprise him, as it were, in the midst of poverty +and distress, the consequence of which is, I own, sometimes excessive +avarice, but oftener extreme prodigality. I remember one of these who, +having received a pretty large sum of money, gave me, when I begged +an obolus, a whole talent; on which his friend having reproved him, he +answered, with an oath, ‘Why not? Have I not fifty left?’ + +“The life of a beggar, if men estimated things by their real essence, +and not by their outward false appearance, would be, perhaps, a more +desirable situation than any of those which ambition persuades us, with +such difficulty, danger, and often villainy, to aspire to. The wants of +a beggar are commonly as chimerical as the abundance of a nobleman; +for besides vanity, which a judicious beggar will always apply to with +wonderful efficacy, there are in reality very few natures so hardened as +not to compassionate poverty and distress, when the predominancy of some +other passion doth not prevent them. + +“There is one happiness which attends money got with ease, namely, that +it is never hoarded; otherwise, as we have frequent opportunities of +growing rich, that canker care might prey upon our quiet, as it doth on +others; but our money stock we spend as fast as we acquire it; usually +at least, for I speak not without exception; thus it gives us mirth +only, and no trouble. Indeed, the luxury of our lives might introduce +diseases, did not our daily exercise prevent them. This gives us an +appetite and relish for our dainties, and at the same time an antidote +against the evil effects which sloth, united with luxury, induces on the +habit of a human body. Our women we enjoy with ecstasies at least equal +to what the greatest men feel in their embraces. I can, I am assured, +say of myself, that no mortal could reap more perfect happiness from +the tender passion than my fortune had decreed me. I married a charming +young woman for love; she was the daughter of a neighboring beggar, who, +with an improvidence too often seen, spent a very large income which he +procured by his profession, so that he was able to give her no +fortune down; however, at his death he left her a very well accustomed +begging-hut, situated on the side of a steep hill, where travelers +could not immediately escape from us, and a garden adjoining, being the +twenty-eighth part of an acre, well planted. + +“She made the best of wives, bore me nineteen children, and never failed, +unless on her lying-in, which generally lasted three days, to get +my supper ready against my return home in an evening; this being my +favorite meal, and at which I, as well as my whole family, greatly +enjoyed ourselves; the principal subject of our discourse being +generally the boons we had that day obtained, on which occasions, +laughing at the folly of the donors made no inconsiderable part of +the entertainment; for, whatever might be their motive for giving, we +constantly imputed our success to our having flattered their vanity, or +overreached their understanding. + +“But perhaps I have dwelt too long on this character; I shall conclude, +therefore, with telling you that after a life of 102 years’ continuance, +during all which I had never known any sickness or infirmity but that +which old age necessarily induced, I at last, without the least pain, +went out like the snuff of a candle. + +“Minos, having heard my history, bid me compute, if I could, how +many lies I had told in my life. As we are here, by a certain fated +necessity, obliged to confine ourselves to truth, I answered, I believed +about 50,000,000. He then replied, with a frown, ‘Can such a wretch +conceive any hopes of entering Elysium?’ I immediately turned about, +and, upon the whole, was rejoiced at his not calling me back.” + + + + +CHAPTER XX + + Julian performs the part of a statesman. + +“It was now my fortune to be born of a German princess; but a +man-midwife, pulling my head off in delivering my mother, put a speedy +end to my princely life. + +“Spirits who end their lives before they are at the age of five years +are immediately ordered into other bodies; and it was now my fortune +to perform several infancies before I could again entitle myself to an +examination of Minos. + +“At length I was destined once more to play a considerable part on the +stage. I was born in England, in the reign of Ethelred II. My father’s +name was Ulnoth: he was earl or thane of Sussex. I was afterwards known +by the name of earl Goodwin, and began to make a considerable figure +in the world in the time of Harold Harefoot, whom I procured to be made +king of Wessex, or the West Saxons, in prejudice of Hardicanute, whose +mother Emma endeavored afterwards to set another of her sons on the +throne; but I circumvented her, and, communicating her design to the +king, at the same time acquainted him with a project which I had formed +for the murder of these two young princes. Emma had sent for these her +sons from Normandy, with the king’s leave, whom she had deceived by her +religious behavior, and pretended neglect of all worldly affairs; but I +prevailed with Harold to invite these princes to his court, and put +them to death. The prudent mother sent only Alfred, retaining Edward +to herself, as she suspected my ill designs, and thought I should not +venture to execute them on one of her sons, while she secured the other; +but she was deceived, for I had no sooner Alfred in my possession than +I caused him to be conducted to Ely, where I ordered his eyes to be put +out, and afterwards to be confined in a monastery. + +“This was one of those cruel expedients which great men satisfy +themselves well in executing, by concluding them to be necessary to the +service of their prince, who is the support of their ambition. + +“Edward, the other son of Emma, escaped again to Normandy; whence, after +the death of Harold and Hardicanute, he made no scruple of applying to +my protection and favor, though he had before prosecuted me with all the +vengeance he was able, for the murder of his brother; but in all great +affairs private relation must yield to public interest. Having therefore +concluded very advantageous terms for myself with him, I made no scruple +of patronizing his cause, and soon placed him on the throne. Nor did I +conceive the least apprehension from his resentment, as I knew my power +was too great for him to encounter. + +“Among other stipulated conditions, one was to marry my daughter Editha. +This Edward consented to with great reluctance, and I had afterwards +no reason to be pleased with it; for it raised her, who had been my +favorite child, to such an opinion of greatness, that, instead of paying +me the usual respect, she frequently threw in my teeth (as often at +least as I gave her any admonition), that she was now a queen, and +that the character and title of father merged in that of subject. This +behavior, however, did not cure me of my affection towards her, nor +lessen the uneasiness which I afterwards bore on Edward’s dismissing her +from his bed. + +“One thing which principally induced me to labor the promotion of Edward +was the simplicity or weakness of that prince, under whom I promised +myself absolute dominion under another name. Nor did this opinion +deceive me; for, during his whole reign, my administration was in the +highest degree despotic: I had everything of royalty but the outward +ensigns; no man ever applying for a place, or any kind of preferment, +but to me only. A circumstance which, as it greatly enriched my coffers, +so it no less pampered my ambition, and satisfied my vanity with a +numerous attendance; and I had the pleasure of seeing those who only +bowed to the king prostrating themselves before me. + +“Edward the Confessor, or St. Edward, as some have called him, in +derision I suppose, being a very silly fellow, had all the faults +incident, and almost inseparable, to fools. He married my daughter +Editha from his fear of disobliging me; and afterwards, out of hatred to +me, refused even to consummate his marriage, though she was one of the +most beautiful women of her age. He was likewise guilty of the basest +ingratitude to his mother (a vice to which fools are chiefly, if not +only, liable); and, in return for her endeavors to procure him a throne +in his youth, confined her in a loathsome prison in her old age. +This, it is true, he did by my advice; but as to her walking over nine +plowshares red-hot, and giving nine manors, when she had not one in her +possession, there is not a syllable of veracity in it. + +“The first great perplexity I fell into was on the account of my son +Swane, who had deflowered the abbess of Leon, since called Leominster, +in Herefordshire. After this fact he retired into Denmark, whence he +sent to me to obtain his pardon. The king at first refused it, being +moved thereto, as I afterwards found, by some churchmen, particularly by +one of his chaplains, whom I had prevented from obtaining a bishopric. +Upon this my son Swane invaded the coasts with several ships, and +committed many outrageous cruelties; which, indeed, did his business, as +they served me to apply to the fear of this king, which I had long +since discovered to be his predominant passion. And, at last, he who had +refused pardon to his first offense submitted to give it him after he +had committed many other more monstrous crimes; by which his pardon lost +all grace to the offended, and received double censure from all others. + +“The king was greatly inclined to the Normans, had created a Norman +archbishop of Canterbury, and had heaped extraordinary favors on him. +I had no other objection to this man than that he rose without my +assistance; a cause of dislike which, in the reign of great and powerful +favorites, hath often proved fatal to the persons who have given it, +as the persons thus raised inspire us constantly with jealousies and +apprehensions. For when we promote any one ourselves, we take effectual +care to preserve such an ascendant over him, that we can at any time +reduce him to his former degree, should he dare to act in opposition to +our wills; for which reason we never suffer any to come near the +prince but such as we are assured it is impossible should be capable of +engaging or improving his affection; no prime minister, as I apprehend, +esteeming himself to be safe while any other shares the ear of his +prince, of whom we are as jealous as the fondest husband can be of his +wife. Whoever, therefore, can approach him by any other channel than +that of ourselves, is, in our opinion, a declared enemy, and one whom +the first principles of policy oblige us to demolish with the utmost +expedition. For the affection of kings is as precarious as that of +women, and the only way to secure either to ourselves is to keep all +others from them. + +“But the archbishop did not let matters rest on suspicion. He soon gave +open proofs of his interest with the Confessor in procuring an office +of some importance for one Rollo, a Roman of mean extraction and very +despicable parts. When I represented to the king the indecency of +conferring such an honor on such a fellow, he answered me that he was +the archbishop’s relation. ‘Then, sir,’ replied I, ‘he is related to +your enemy.’ Nothing more passed at that time; but I soon perceived, +by the archbishop’s behavior, that the king had acquainted him with our +private discourse; a sufficient assurance of his confidence in him and +neglect of me. + +“The favor of princes, when once lost, is recoverable only by the +gaining a situation which may make you terrible to them. As I had no +doubt of having lost all credit with this king, which indeed had been +originally founded and constantly supported by his fear, so I took the +method of terror to regain it. + +“The earl of Boulogne coming over to visit the king gave me an +opportunity of breaking out into open opposition; for, as the earl was +on his return to France, one of his servants, who was sent before to +procure lodgings at Dover, and insisted on having them in the house of a +private man in spite of the owner’s teeth, was, in a fray which ensued, +killed on the spot; and the earl himself, arriving there soon after, +very narrowly escaped with his life. The earl, enraged at this affront, +returned to the king at Gloucester with loud complaints and demands +of satisfaction. Edward consented to his demands, and ordered me to +chastise the rioters, who were under my government as earl of Kent: but, +instead of obeying these orders, I answered, with some warmth, that the +English were not used to punish people unheard, nor ought their +rights and privileges to be violated; that the accused should be first +summoned--if guilty, should make satisfaction both with body and estate, +but, if innocent, should be discharged. Adding, with great ferocity, +that as earl of Kent it was my duty to protect those under my government +against the insults of foreigners. + +“This accident was extremely lucky, as it gave my quarrel with the king +a popular color, and so ingratiated me with the people, that when I +set up my standard, which I soon after did, they readily and cheerfully +listed under my banners and embraced my cause, which I persuaded them +was their own; for that it was to protect them against foreigners that +I had drawn my sword. The word foreigners with an Englishman hath a kind +of magical effect, they having the utmost hatred and aversion to them, +arising from the cruelties they suffered from the Danes and some other +foreign nations. No wonder therefore they espoused my cause in a quarrel +which had such a beginning. + +“But what may be somewhat more remarkable is, that when I afterwards +returned to England from banishment, and was at the head of an army of +the Flemish, who were preparing to plunder the city of London, I still +persisted that I was come to defend the English from the danger of +foreigners, and gained their credit. Indeed, there is no lie so gross +but it may be imposed on the people by those whom they esteem their +patrons and defenders. + +“The king saved his city by being reconciled to me, and taking again my +daughter, whom he had put away from him; and thus, having frightened +the king into what concessions I thought proper, I dismissed my army and +fleet, with which I intended, could I not have succeeded otherwise, to +have sacked the city of London and ravaged the whole country. + +“I was no sooner re-established in the king’s favor, or, what was +as well for me, the appearance of it, than I fell violently on the +archbishop. He had of himself retired to his monastery in Normandy; but +that did not content me: I had him formally banished, the see declared +vacant, and then filled up by another. + +“I enjoyed my grandeur a very short time after my restoration to it; for +the king, hating and fearing me to a very great degree, and finding no +means of openly destroying me, at last effected his purpose by poison, +and then spread abroad a ridiculous story, of my wishing the next +morsel might choke me if I had had any hand in the death of Alfred; and, +accordingly, that the next morsel, by a divine judgment, stuck in my +throat and performed that office. + +“This of a statesman was one of my worst stages in the other world. It +is a post subjected daily to the greatest danger and inquietude, and +attended with little pleasure and less ease. In a word, it is a pill +which, was it not gilded over by ambition, would appear nauseous and +detestable in the eye of every one; and perhaps that is one reason why +Minos so greatly compassionates the case of those who swallow it: for +that just judge told me he always acquitted a prime minister who could +produce one single good action in his whole life, let him have committed +ever so many crimes. Indeed, I understood him a little too largely, +and was stepping towards the gate; but he pulled me by the sleeve, and, +telling me no prime minister ever entered there, bid me go back again; +saying, he thought I had sufficient reason to rejoice in my escaping +the bottomless pit, which half my crimes committed in any other capacity +would have entitled me to.” + + + + +CHAPTER XXI + + Julian’s adventures in the post of a soldier. + +“I was born at Caen, in Normandy. My mother’s name was Matilda; as for +my father, I am not so certain, for the good woman on her death-bed +assured me she herself could bring her guess to no greater certainty +than to five of duke William’s captains. When I was no more than +thirteen (being indeed a surprising stout boy of my age) I enlisted into +the army of duke William, afterwards known by the name of William the +Conqueror, landed with him at Pemesey or Pemsey, in Sussex, and was +present at the famous battle of Hastings. + +“At the first onset it was impossible to describe my consternation, +which was heightened by the fall of two soldiers who stood by me; but +this soon abated, and by degrees, as my blood grew warm, I thought no +more of my own safety, but fell on the enemy with great fury, and did a +good deal of execution; till, unhappily, I received a wound in my thigh, +which rendered me unable to stand any longer, so that I now lay among +the dead, and was constantly exposed to the danger of being trampled to +death, as well by my fellow-soldiers as by the enemy. However, I had the +fortune to escape it, and continued the remaining part of the day and +the night following on the ground. + +“The next morning, the duke sending out parties to bring off the +wounded, I was found almost expiring with loss of blood; notwithstanding +which, as immediate care was taken to dress my wounds, youth and a +robust constitution stood my friends, and I recovered after a long and +tedious indisposition, and was again able to use my limbs and do my +duty. + +“As soon as Dover was taken I was conveyed thither with all the rest of +the sick and wounded. Here I recovered of my wound; but fell afterwards +into a violent flux, which, when it departed, left me so weak that it +was long before I could regain my strength. And what most afflicted me +was, that during my whole illness, when I languished under want as well +as sickness, I had daily the mortification to see and hear the riots +and excess of my fellow-soldiers, who had happily escaped safe from the +battle. + +“I was no sooner well than I was ordered into garrison at Dover Castle. +The officers here fared very indifferently, but the private men much +worse. We had great scarcity of provisions, and, what was yet more +intolerable, were so closely confined for want of room (four of us being +obliged to lie on the same bundle of straw), that many died, and most +sickened. + +“Here I had remained about four months, when one night we were alarmed +with the arrival of the earl of Boulogne, who had come over privily +from France, and endeavored to surprise the castle. The design proved +ineffectual; for the garrison making a brisk sally, most of his men +were tumbled down the precipice, and he returned with a very few back to +France. In this action, however, I had the misfortune to come off with a +broken arm; it was so shattered, that, besides a great deal of pain and +misery which I endured in my cure, I was disabled for upwards of three +months. + +“Soon after my recovery I had contracted an amour with a young +woman whose parents lived near the garrison, and were in much better +circumstances than I had reason to expect should give their consent to +the match. However, as she was extremely fond of me (as I was indeed +distractedly enamored of her), they were prevailed on to comply with her +desires, and the day was fixed for our marriage. + +“On the evening preceding, while I was exulting with the eager +expectation of the happiness I was the next day to enjoy, I received +orders to march early in the morning towards Windsor, where a large army +was to be formed, at the head of which the king intended to march into +the west. Any person who hath ever been in love may easily imagine what +I felt in my mind on receiving those orders; and what still heightened +my torments was, that the commanding officer would not permit any one +to go out of the garrison that evening; so that I had not even an +opportunity of taking leave of my beloved. + +“The morning came which was to have put me in the possession of my +wishes; but, alas! the scene was now changed, and all the hopes which I +had raised were now so many ghosts to haunt, and furies to torment me. + +“It was now the midst of winter, and very severe weather for the season; +when we were obliged to make very long and fatiguing marches, in which +we suffered all the inconveniences of cold and hunger. The night in +which I expected to riot in the arms of my beloved mistress I was +obliged to take up with a lodging on the ground, exposed to the +inclemencies of a rigid frost; nor could I obtain the least comfort of +sleep, which shunned me as its enemy. + +“In short, the horrors of that night are not to be described, or perhaps +imagined. They made such an impression on my soul, that I was forced to +be dipped three times in the river Lethe to prevent my remembering it in +the characters which I afterwards performed in the flesh.” + +Here I interrupted Julian for the first time, and told him no such +dipping had happened to me in my voyage from one world to the other: +but he satisfied me by saying “that this only happened to those spirits +which returned into the flesh, in order to prevent that reminiscence +which Plato mentions, and which would otherwise cause great confusion in +the other world.” + +He then proceeded as follows: “We continued a very laborious march to +Exeter, which we were ordered to besiege. The town soon surrendered, and +his majesty built a castle there, which he garrisoned with his Normans, +and unhappily I had the misfortune to be one of the number. + +“Here we were confined closer than I had been at Dover; for, as the +citizens were extremely disaffected, we were never suffered to go +without the walls of the castle; nor indeed could we, unless in large +bodies, without the utmost danger. We were likewise kept to continual +duty, nor could any solicitations prevail with the commanding officer +to give me a month’s absence to visit my love, from whom I had no +opportunity of hearing in all my long absence. + +“However, in the spring, the people being more quiet, and another +officer of a gentler temper succeeding to the principal command, I +obtained leave to go to Dover; but alas! what comfort did my long +journey bring me? I found the parents of my darling in the utmost misery +at her loss; for she had died, about a week before my arrival, of a +consumption, which they imputed to her pining at my sudden departure. + +“I now fell into the most violent and almost raving fit of despair. I +cursed myself, the king, and the whole world, which no longer seemed +to have any delight for me. I threw myself on the grave of my deceased +love, and lay there without any kind of sustenance for two whole days. +At last hunger, together with the persuasions of some people who took +pity on me, prevailed with me to quit that situation, and refresh myself +with food. They then persuaded me to return to my post, and abandon a +place where almost every object I saw recalled ideas to my mind which, +as they said, I should endeavor with my utmost force to expel from it. +This advice at length succeeded; the rather, as the father and mother of +my beloved refused to see me, looking on me as the innocent but certain +cause of the death of their only child. + +“The loss of one we tenderly love, as it is one of the most bitter and +biting evils which attend human life, so it wants the lenitive which +palliates and softens every other calamity; I mean that great reliever, +hope. No man can be so totally undone, but that he may still cherish +expectation: but this deprives us of all such comfort, nor can anything +but time alone lessen it. This, however, in most minds, is sure to +work a slow but effectual remedy; so did it in mine: for within a +twelve-month I was entirely reconciled to my fortune, and soon after +absolutely forgot the object of a passion from which I had promised +myself such extreme happiness, and in the disappointment of which I had +experienced such inconceivable misery. + +“At the expiration of the month I returned to my garrison at Exeter; +where I was no sooner arrived than I was ordered to march into the +north, to oppose a force there levied by the earls of Chester and +Northumberland. We came to York, where his majesty pardoned the heads of +the rebels, and very severely punished some who were less guilty. It was +particularly my lot to be ordered to seize a poor man who had never been +out of his house, and convey him to prison. I detested this barbarity, +yet was obliged to execute it; nay, though no reward would have bribed +me in a private capacity to have acted such a part, yet so much sanctity +is there in the commands of a monarch or general to a soldier, that +I performed it without reluctance, nor had the tears of his wife and +family any prevalence with me. + +“But this, which was a very small piece of mischief in comparison with +many of my barbarities afterwards, was however, the only one which +ever gave me any uneasiness; for when the king led us afterwards into +Northumberland to revenge those people’s having joined with Osborne the +Dane in his invasion, and orders were given us to commit what ravages +we could, I was forward in fulfilling them, and, among some lesser +cruelties (I remember it yet with sorrow), I ravished a woman, murdered +a little infant playing in her lap, and then burned her house. In short, +for I have no pleasure in this part of my relation, I had my share +in all the cruelties exercised on those poor wretches; which were so +grievous, that for sixty miles together, between York and Durham, not a +single house, church, or any other public or private edifice, was left +standing. + +“We had pretty well devoured the country, when we were ordered to march +to the Isle of Ely, to oppose Hereward, a bold and stout soldier, who +had under him a very large body of rebels, who had the impudence to rise +against their king and conqueror (I talk now in the same style I did +then) in defense of their liberties, as they called them. These were +soon subdued; but as I happened (more to my glory than my comfort) to +be posted in that part through which Hereward cut his way, I received +a dreadful cut on the forehead, a second on the shoulder, and was run +through the body with a pike. + +“I languished a long time with these wounds, which made me incapable of +attending the king into Scotland. However, I was able to go over with +him afterwards into Normandy, in his expedition against Philip, who +had taken the opportunity of the troubles in England to invade that +province. Those few Normans who bad survived their wounds, and had +remained in the Isle of Ely, were all of our nation who went, the rest +of his army being all composed of English. In a skirmish near the town +of Mans my leg was broke and so shattered that it was forced to be cut +off. + +“I was now disabled from serving longer in the army; and accordingly, +being discharged from the service, I retired to the place of my +nativity, where, in extreme poverty, and frequent bad health from the +many wounds I had received, I dragged on a miserable life to the age of +sixty-three; my only pleasure being to recount the feats of my youth, in +which narratives I generally exceeded the truth. + +“It would be tedious and unpleasant to recount to you the several +miseries I suffered after my return to Caen; let it suffice, they +were so terrible that they induced Minos to compassionate me, and, +notwithstanding the barbarities I had been guilty of in Northumberland, +to suffer me to go once more back to earth.” + + + + +CHAPTER XXII + + What happened to Julian in the person of a tailor. + +“Fortune now stationed me in a character which the ingratitude of +mankind hath put them on ridiculing, though they owe to it not only a +relief from the inclemencies of cold, to which they would otherwise be +exposed, but likewise a considerable satisfaction of their vanity. The +character I mean was that of a tailor; which, if we consider it with due +attention, must be confessed to have in it great dignity and importance. +For, in reality, who constitutes the different degrees between men but +the tailor? the prince indeed gives the title, but it is the tailor who +makes the man. To his labors are owing the respect of crowds, and the +awe which great men inspire into their beholders, though these are too +often unjustly attributed to other motives. Lastly, the admiration of +the fair is most commonly to be placed to his account. + +“I was just set up in my trade when I made three suits of fine clothes +for king Stephen’s coronation. I question whether the person who wears +the rich coat hath so much pleasure and vanity in being admired in it, +as we tailors have from that admiration; and perhaps a philosopher +would say he is not so well entitled to it. I bustled on the day of the +ceremony through the crowd, and it was with incredible delight I heard +several say, as my clothes walked by, ‘Bless me, was ever anything so +fine as the earl of Devonshire? Sure he and Sir Hugh Bigot are the two +best dressed men I ever saw.’ Now both those suits were of my making. + +“There would indeed be infinite pleasure in working for the courtiers, +as they are generally genteel men, and show one’s clothes to the best +advantage, was it not for one small discouragement; this is, that they +never pay. I solemnly protest, though I lost almost as much by the court +in my life as I got by the city, I never carried a suit into the latter +with half the satisfaction which I have done to the former; though from +that I was certain of ready money, and from this almost as certain of no +money at all. + +“Courtiers may, however, be divided into two sorts, very essentially +different from each other; into those who never intend to pay for their +clothes; and those who do intend to pay for them, but never happen to be +able. Of the latter sort are many of those young gentlemen whom we equip +out for the army, and who are, unhappily for us, cut off before they +arrive at preferment. This is the reason that tailors, in time of war, +are mistaken for politicians by their inquisitiveness into the event of +battles, one campaign very often proving the ruin of half-a-dozen of us. +I am sure I had frequent reason to curse that fatal battle of Cardigan, +where the Welsh defeated some of king Stephen’s best troops, and where +many a good suit of mine unpaid for, fell to the ground. + +“The gentlemen of this honorable calling have fared much better in later +ages than when I was of it; for now it seems the fashion is, when they +apprehend their customer is not in the best circumstances, if they are +not paid as soon as they carry home the suit, they charge him in their +book as much again as it is worth, and then send a gentleman with a +small scrip of parchment to demand the money. If this be not immediately +paid the gentleman takes the beau with him to his house, where he locks +him up till the tailor is contented: but in my time these scrips of +parchment were not in use; and if the beau disliked paying for his +clothes, as very often happened, we had no method of compelling him. + +“In several of the characters which I have related to you, I apprehend I +have sometimes forgot myself, and considered myself as really interested +as I was when I personated them on earth. I have just now caught myself +in the fact; for I have complained to you as bitterly of my customers +as I formerly used to do when I was the tailor: but in reality, though +there were some few persons of very great quality, and some others, who +never paid their debts, yet those were but a few, and I had a method of +repairing this loss. My customers I divided under three heads: those who +paid ready money, those who paid slow, and those who never paid at all. +The first of these I considered apart by themselves, as persons by whom +I got a certain but small profit. The two last I lumped together, making +those who paid slow contribute to repair my losses by those who did not +pay at all. Thus, upon the whole, I was a very inconsiderable loser, and +might have left a fortune to my family, had I not launched forth into +expenses which swallowed up all my gains. I had a wife and two children. +These indeed I kept frugally enough, for I half starved them; but I kept +a mistress in a finer way, for whom I had a country-house, pleasantly +situated on the Thames, elegantly fitted up and neatly furnished. +This woman might very properly be called my mistress, for she was most +absolutely so; and though her tenure was no higher than by my will, +she domineered as tyrannically as if my chains had been riveted in the +strongest manner. To all this I submitted, not through any adoration of +her beauty, which was indeed but indifferent. Her charms consisted in +little wantonnesses, which she knew admirably well to use in hours of +dalliance, and which, I believe, are of all things the most delightful +to a lover. + +“She was so profusely extravagant, that it seemed as if she had an +actual intent to ruin me. This I am sure of, if such had been her real +intention, she could have taken no properer way to accomplish it; nay, +I myself might appear to have had the same view: for, besides this +extravagant mistress and my country-house, I kept likewise a brace of +hunters, rather for that it was fashionable so to do than for any great +delight I took in the sport, which I very little attended; not for want +of leisure, for few noblemen had so much. All the work I ever did was +taking measure, and that only of my greatest and best customers. I scare +ever cut a piece of cloth in my life, nor was indeed much more able to +fashion a coat than any gentleman in the kingdom. This made a skillful +servant too necessary to me. He knew I must submit to any terms with, or +any treatment from, him. + +“He knew it was easier for him to find another such a tailor as me +than for me to procure such another workman as him: for this reason he +exerted the most notorious and cruel tyranny, seldom giving me a civil +word; nor could the utmost condescension on my side, though attended +with continual presents and rewards, and raising his wages, content or +please him. In a word, he was as absolutely my master as was ever an +ambitious, industrious prime minister over an indolent and voluptuous +king. All my other journeymen paid more respect to him than to me; for +they considered my favor as a necessary consequence of obtaining his. + +“These were the most remarkable occurrences while I acted this part. +Minos hesitated a few moments, and then bid me get back again, without +assigning any reason.” + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + + The life of alderman Julian. + +“I now revisited England, and was born at London. My father was one of +the magistrates of that city. He had eleven children, of whom I was the +eldest. He had great success in trade, and grew extremely rich, but the +largeness of his family rendered it impossible for him to leave me +a fortune sufficient to live well on independent of business. I was +accordingly brought up to be a fishmonger, in which capacity I myself +afterwards acquired very considerable wealth. + +“The same disposition of mind which in princes is called ambition is in +subjects named faction. To this temper I was greatly addicted from my +youth. I was, while a boy, a great partisan of prince John’s against his +brother Richard, during the latter’s absence in the holy war and in his +captivity. I was no more than one-and-twenty when I first began to make +political speeches in public, and to endeavor to foment disquietude and +discontent in the city. As I was pretty well qualified for this office, +by a great fluency of words, an harmonious accent, a graceful delivery, +and above all an invincible assurance, I had soon acquired some +reputation among the younger citizens, and some of the weaker and more +inconsiderate of a riper age. This, co-operating with my own natural +vanity, made me extravagantly proud and supercilious. I soon began to +esteem myself a man of some consequence, and to overlook persons every +way my superiors. + +“The famous Robin Hood, and his companion Little John, at this time made +a considerable figure in Yorkshire. I took upon me to write a letter +to the former, in the name of the city, inviting him to come to London, +where I assured him of very good reception, signifying to him my own +great weight and consequence, and how much I had disposed the citizens +in his favor. Whether he received this letter or no I am not certain; +but he never gave me any answer to it. + +“A little afterwards one William Fitz-Osborn, or, as he was nicknamed, +William Long-Beard, began to make a figure in the city. He was a bold +and an impudent fellow, and had raised himself to great popularity with +the rabble, by pretending to espouse their cause against the rich. I +took this man’s part, and made a public oration in his favor, setting +him forth as a patriot, and one who had embarked in the cause +of liberty: for which service he did not receive me with the +acknowledgments I expected. However, as I thought I should easily gain +the ascendant over this fellow, I continued still firm on his side, till +the archbishop of Canterbury, with an armed force, put an end to his +progress: for he was seized in Bowchurch, where he had taken refuge, and +with nine of his accomplices hanged in chains. + +“I escaped narrowly myself; for I was seized in the same church with the +rest, and, as I had been very considerably engaged in the enterprise, +the archbishop was inclined to make me an example; but my father’s +merit, who had advanced a considerable sum to queen Eleanor towards the +king’s ransom, preserved me. + +“The consternation my danger had occasioned kept me some time quiet, and +I applied myself very assiduously to my trade. I invented all manner +of methods to enhance the price of fish, and made use of my utmost +endeavors to engross as much of the business as possible in my own +hands. By these means I acquired a substance which raised me to some +little consequence in the city, but far from elevating me to that degree +which I had formerly flattered myself with possessing at a time when +I was totally insignificant; for, in a trading society, money must at +least lay the foundation of all power and interest. + +“But as it hath been remarked that the same ambition which sent +Alexander into Asia brings the wrestler on the green; and as this same +ambition is as incapable as quicksilver of lying still; so I, who was +possessed perhaps of a share equal to what hath fired the blood of any +of the heroes of antiquity, was no less restless and discontented +with ease and quiet. My first endeavors were to make myself head of +my company, which Richard I had just published, and soon afterwards I +procured myself to be chosen alderman. + +“Opposition is the only state which can give a subject an opportunity of +exerting the disposition I was possessed of. Accordingly, king John +was no sooner seated on his throne than I began to oppose his measures, +whether right or wrong. It is true that monarch had faults enow. He was +so abandoned to lust and luxury, that he addicted himself to the most +extravagant excesses in both, while he indolently suffered the king of +France to rob him of almost all his foreign dominions: my opposition +therefore was justifiable enough, and if my motive from within had been +as good as the occasion from without I should have had little to excuse; +but, in truth, I sought nothing but my own preferment, by making myself +formidable to the king, and then selling to him the interest of that +party by whose means I had become so. Indeed, had the public good been +my care, however zealously I might have opposed the beginning of his +reign, I should not have scrupled to lend him my utmost assistance in +this struggle between him and pope Innocent the third, in which he was +so manifestly in the right; nor have suffered the insolence of that +pope, and the power of the king of France, to have compelled him in +the issue, basely to resign his crown into the hands of the former, and +receive it again as a vassal; by means of which acknowledgment the pope +afterwards claimed this kingdom as a tributary fief to be held of +the papal chair; a claim which occasioned great uneasiness to many +subsequent princes, and brought numberless calamities on the nation. + +“As the king had, among other concessions, stipulated to pay an +immediate sum of money to Pandulph, which he had great difficulty to +raise, it was absolutely necessary for him to apply to the city, where +my interest and popularity were so high that he had no hopes without my +assistance. As I knew this, I took care to sell myself and country +as high as possible. The terms I demanded, therefore, were a place, a +pension, and a knighthood. All those were immediately consented to. I +was forthwith knighted, and promised the other two. + +“I now mounted the hustings, and, without any regard to decency or +modesty, made as emphatical a speech in favor of the king as before +I had done against him. In this speech I justified all those measures +which I had before condemned, and pleaded as earnestly with my +fellow-citizens to open their purses, as I had formerly done to prevail +with them to keep them shut. But, alas! my rhetoric had not the effect +I proposed. The consequence of my arguments was only contempt to +myself. The people at first stared on one another, and afterwards began +unanimously to express their dislike. An impudent fellow among +them, reflecting on my trade, cried out, ‘Stinking fish;’ which was +immediately reiterated through the whole crowd. I was then forced to +slink away home; but I was not able to accomplish my retreat without +being attended by the mob, who huzza’d me along the street with the +repeated cries of ‘Stinking fish.’ + +“I now proceeded to court, to inform his majesty of my faithful service, +and how much I had suffered in his cause. I found by my first reception +he had already heard of my success. Instead of thanking me for my +speech, he said the city should repent of their obstinacy, for that he +would show them who he was: and so saying, he immediately turned that +part to me to which the toe of man hath so wonderful an affection, that +it is very difficult, whenever it presents itself conveniently, to keep +our toes from the most violent and ardent salutation of it. + +“I was a little nettled at this behavior, and with some earnestness +claimed the king’s fulfilling his promise; but he retired without +answering me. I then applied to some of the courtiers, who had lately +professed great friendship to me, had eat at my house, and invited me to +theirs: but not one would return me any answer, all running away from me +as if I had been seized with some contagious distemper. I now found by +experience, that as none can be so civil, so none can be ruder than a +courtier. + +“A few moments after the king’s retiring I was left alone in the room to +consider what I should do or whither I should turn myself. My reception +in the city promised itself to be equal at least with what I found at +court. However, there was my home, and thither it was necessary I should +retreat for the present. + +“But, indeed, bad as I apprehended my treatment in the city would be, +it exceeded my expectation. I rode home on an ambling pad through crowds +who expressed every kind of disregard and contempt; pelting me not +only with the most abusive language, but with dirt. However, with much +difficulty I arrived at last at my own house, with my bones whole, but +covered over with filth. + +“When I was got within my doors, and had shut them against the mob, who +had pretty well vented their spleen, and seemed now contented to retire, +my wife, whom I found crying over her children, and from whom I +had hoped some comfort in my afflictions, fell upon me in the most +outrageous manner. She asked me why I would venture on such a step, +without consulting her; she said her advice might have been civilly +asked, if I was resolved not to have been guided by it. That, whatever +opinion I might have conceived of her understanding, the rest of the +world thought better of it. That I had never failed when I had asked +her counsel, nor ever succeeded without it;--with much more of the +same kind, too tedious to mention; concluding that it was a monstrous +behavior to desert my party and come over to the court. + +“An abuse which I took worse than all the rest, as she had been +constantly for several years assiduous in railing at the opposition, +in siding with the court-party, and begging me to come over to it; and +especially after my mentioning the offer of knighthood to her, since +which time she had continually interrupted my repose with dinning in +my ears the folly of refusing honors and of adhering to a party and to +principles by which I was certain of procuring no advantage to myself +and my family. + +“I had now entirely lost my trade, so that I had not the least +temptation to stay longer in a city where I was certain of receiving +daily affronts and rebukes. I therefore made up my affairs with the +utmost expedition, and, scraping together all I could, retired into the +country, where I spent the remainder of my days in universal contempt, +being shunned by everybody, perpetually abused by my wife, and not much +respected by my children. + +“Minos told me, though I had been a very vile fellow, he thought my +sufferings made some atonement, and so bid me take the other trial.” + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV + + Julian recounts what happened to him while he was a poet. + +“Rome was now the seat of my nativity, where I was born of a family more +remarkable for honor than riches. I was intended for the church, and +had a pretty good education; but my father dying while I was young, and +leaving me nothing, for he had wasted his whole patrimony, I was forced +to enter myself in the order of mendicants. + +“When I was at school I had a knack of rhyming, which I unhappily +mistook for genius, and indulged to my cost; for my verses drew on me +only ridicule, and I was in contempt called the poet. + +“This humor pursued me through my life. My first composition after I +left school was a panegyric on pope Alexander IV, who then pretended a +project of dethroning the king of Sicily. On this subject I composed a +poem of about fifteen thousand lines, which with much difficulty I got +to be presented to his holiness, of whom I expected great preferment as +my reward; but I was cruelly disappointed: for when I had waited a year, +without hearing any of the commendations I had flattered myself with +receiving, and being now able to contain no longer, I applied to a +Jesuit who was my relation, and had the pope’s ear, to know what his +holiness’s opinion was of my work: he coldly answered me that he was +at that time busied in concerns of too much importance to attend the +reading of poems. + +“However dissatisfied I might be, and really was, with this reception, +and however angry I was with the pope? for whose understanding I +entertained an immoderate contempt, I was not yet discouraged from +a second attempt. Accordingly, I soon after produced another work, +entitled, The Trojan Horse. This was an allegorical work, in which the +church was introduced into the world in the same manner as that machine +had been into Troy. The priests were the soldiers in its belly, and the +heathen superstition the city to be destroyed by them. This poem was +written in Latin. I remember some of the lines:-- + + Mundanos scandit fatalis machina muros, + Farta sacerdotum turmis: exinde per alvum + Visi exire omnes, maguo cum murmure olentes. + Non aliter quam cum llumanis furibundus ab antris + It sonus et nares simul aura invadit hiantes. + Mille scatent et mille alii; trepidare timore + Ethnica gens coepit: falsi per inane volantes + Effugere Dei--Desertaque templa relinquunt. + Jam magnum crepitavit equus, mox orbis et alti + Ingemuere poli: tunc tu pater, ultimus omnium + Maxime Alexander, ventrem maturus equinum + Deseris, heu proles meliori digne parente.” + +“I believe Julian, had I not stopped him, would have gone through the +whole poem (for, as I observed in most of the characters he related, the +affections he had enjoyed while he personated them on earth still made +some impression on him); but I begged him to omit the sequel of the +poem, and proceed with his history. He then recollected himself, and, +smiling at the observation which by intuition he perceived I had made, +continued his narration as follows:-- + +“I confess to you,” says he, “that the delight in repeating our own +works is so predominant in a poet, that I find nothing can totally root +it out of the soul. Happy would it be for those persons if their hearers +could be delighted in the same manner: but alas! hence that ingens +solitudo complained of by Horace: for the vanity of mankind is so much +greedier and more general than their avarice, that no beggar is so ill +received by them as he who solicits their praise. + +“This I sufficiently experienced in the character of a poet; for my +company was shunned (I believe on this account chiefly) by my whole +house: nay, there were few who would submit to hearing me read my +poetry, even at the price of sharing in my provisions. The only +person who gave me audience was a brother poet; he indeed fed me with +commendation very liberally: but, as I was forced to hear and commend in +my turn, I perhaps bought his attention dear enough. + +“Well, sir, if my expectations of the reward I hoped from my first poem +had balked me, I had now still greater reason to complain; for, instead +of being preferred or commended for the second, I was enjoined a very +severe penance by my superior, for ludicrously comparing the pope to a +f--t. My poetry was now the jest of every company, except some few who +spoke of it with detestation; and I found that, instead of recommending +me to preferment, it had effectually barred me from all probability of +attaining it. + +“These discouragements had now induced me to lay down my pen and write +no more. But, as Juvenal says, + + --Si discedas, Laqueo tenet ambitiosi + Consuetudo mali. + +“I was an example of the truth of this assertion, for I soon betook +myself again to my muse. Indeed, a poet hath the same happiness with a +man who is dotingly fond of an ugly woman. The one enjoys his muse, and +the other his mistress, with a pleasure very little abated by the esteem +of the world, and only undervalues their taste for not corresponding +with his own. + +“It is unnecessary to mention any more of my poems; they had all the +same fate; and though in reality some of my latter pieces deserved (I +may now speak it without the imputation of vanity) a better success, +as I had the character of a bad writer, I found it impossible ever to +obtain the reputation of a good one. Had I possessed the merit of Homer +I could have hoped for no applause; since it must have been a profound +secret; for no one would now read a syllable of my writings. + +“The poets of my age were, as I believe you know, not very famous. +However, there was one of some credit at that time, though I have the +consolation to know his works are all perished long ago. The malice, +envy, and hatred I bore this man are inconceivable to any but an author, +and an unsuccessful one; I never could bear to hear him well spoken +of, and writ anonymous satires against him, though I had received +obligations from him; indeed I believe it would have been an absolute +impossibility for him at any rate to have made me sincerely his friend. + +“I have heard an observation which was made by some one of later days, +that there are no worse men than bad authors. A remark of the same kind +hath been made on ugly women, and the truth of both stands on one and +the same reason, viz., that they are both tainted with that cursed and +detestable vice of envy; which, as it is the greatest torment to the +mind it inhabits, so is it capable of introducing into it a total +corruption, and of inspiring it to the commission of the most horrid +crimes imaginable. + +“My life was but short; for I soon pined myself to death with the vice I +just now mentioned. Minos told me I was infinitely too bad for Elysium; +and as for the other place, the devil had sworn he would never entertain +a poet for Orpheus’s sake: so I was forced to return again to the place +from whence I came.” + + + + +CHAPTER XXV + + Julian performs the parts of a knight and a dancing-master. + +“I now mounted the stage in Sicily, and became a knight-templar; but, +as my adventures differ so little from those I have recounted you in the +character of a common soldier, I shall not tire you with repetition. The +soldier and the captain differ in reality so little from one another, +that it requires an accurate judgment to distinguish them; the latter +wears finer clothes, and in times of success lives somewhat more +delicately; but as to everything else, they very nearly resemble one +another. + +“My next step was into France, where fortune assigned me the part of a +dancing-master. I was so expert in my profession that I was brought to +court in my youth, and had the heels of Philip de Valois, who afterwards +succeeded Charles the Fair, committed to my direction. + +“I do not remember that in any of the characters in which I appeared on +earth I ever assumed to myself a greater dignity, or thought myself +of more real importance, than now. I looked on dancing as the greatest +excellence of human nature, and on myself as the greatest proficient +in it. And, indeed, this seemed to be the general opinion of the whole +court; for I was the chief instructor of the youth of both sexes, whose +merit was almost entirely defined by the advances they made in that +science which I had the honor to profess. As to myself, I was so fully +persuaded of this truth, that I not only slighted and despised those who +were ignorant of dancing, but I thought the highest character I +could give any man was that he made a graceful bow: for want of which +accomplishment I had a sovereign contempt for most persons of learning; +nay, for some officers in the army, and a few even of the courtiers +themselves. + +“Though so little of my youth had been thrown away in what they call +literature that I could hardly write and read, yet I composed a treatise +on education; the first rudiments of which, as I taught, were to +instruct a child in the science of coming handsomely into a room. In +this I corrected many faults of my predecessors, particularly that of +being too much in a hurry, and instituting a child in the sublimer parts +of dancing before they are capable of making their honors. + +“But as I have not now the same high opinion of my profession which I +had then, I shall not entertain you with a long history of a life which +consisted of borees and coupees. Let it suffice that I lived to a very +old age and followed my business as long as I could crawl. At length I +revisited my old friend Minos, who treated me with very little respect +and bade me dance back again to earth. + + “I did so, and was now once more born an Englishman, bred up to +the church, and at length arrived to the station of a bishop. + +“Nothing was so remarkable in this character as my always voting-- +[10].” + + + + +BOOK XIX + + + +CHAPTER VII + + Wherein Anna Boleyn relates the history of her life. + +“I am going now truly to recount a life which from the time of its +ceasing has been, in the other world, the continual subject of the +cavils of contending parties; the one making me as black as hell, the +other as pure and innocent as the inhabitants of this blessed place; the +mist of prejudice blinding their eyes, and zeal for what they themselves +profess, making everything appear in that light which they think most +conduces to its honor. + +“My infancy was spent in my father’s house, in those childish plays +which are most suitable to that state, and I think this was one of the +happiest parts of my life; for my parents were not among the number +of those who look upon their children as so many objects of a tyrannic +power, but I was regarded as the dear pledge of a virtuous love, and all +my little pleasures were thought from their indulgence their greatest +delight. At seven years old I was carried into France with the king’s +sister, who was married to the French king, where I lived with a person +of quality, who was an acquaintance of my father’s. I spent my time +in learning those things necessary to give young persons of fashion a +polite education, and did neither good nor evil, but day passed after +day in the same easy way till I was fourteen; then began my anxiety, my +vanity grew strong, and my heart fluttered with joy at every compliment +paid to my beauty: and as the lady with whom I lived was of a gay, +cheerful disposition, she kept a great deal of company, and my youth and +charms made me the continual object of their admiration. I passed some +little time in those exulting raptures which are felt by every woman +perfectly satisfied with herself and with the behavior of others +towards her: I was, when very young, promoted to be maid of honor to her +majesty. The court was frequented by a young nobleman whose beauty +was the chief subject of conversation in all assemblies of ladies. The +delicacy of his person, added to a great softness in his manner, gave +everything he said and did such an air of tenderness, that every woman +he spoke to flattered herself with being the object of his love. I was +one of those who was vain enough of my own charms to hope to make a +conquest of him whom the whole court sighed for. I now thought every +other object below my notice; yet the only pleasure I proposed to myself +in this design was, the triumphing over that heart which I plainly saw +all the ladies of the highest quality and the greatest beauty would have +been proud of possessing. I was yet too young to be very artful; but +nature, without any assistance, soon discovers to a man who is used +to gallantry a woman’s desire to be liked by him, whether that desire +arises from any particular choice she makes of him, or only from +vanity. He soon perceived my thoughts, and gratified my utmost wishes by +constantly preferring me before all other women, and exerting his utmost +gallantry and address to engage my affections. This sudden happiness, +which I then thought the greatest I could have had, appeared visible in +all my actions; I grew so gay and so full of vivacity that it made +my person appear still to a better advantage, all my acquaintance +pretending to be fonder of me than ever: though, young as I was, I +plainly saw it was but pretense, for through all their endeavors to the +contrary envy would often break forth in sly insinuations and +malicious sneers, which gave me fresh matter of triumph, and frequent +opportunities of insulting them, which I never let slip, for now first +my female heart grew sensible of the spiteful pleasure of seeing another +languish for what I enjoyed. Whilst I was in the height of my happiness +her majesty fell ill of a languishing distemper, which obliged her to go +into the country for the change of air: my place made it necessary for +me to attend her, and which way he brought it about I can’t imagine, but +my young hero found means to be one of that small train that waited on +my royal mistress, although she went as privately as possible. Hitherto +all the interviews I had ever had with him were in public, and I only +looked on him as the fitter object to feed that pride which had no other +view but to show its power; but now the scene was quite changed. My +rivals, were all at a distance: the place we went to was as charming +as the most agreeable natural situation, assisted by the greatest art, +could make it; the pleasant solitary walks the singing of birds, the +thousand pretty romantic scenes this delightful place afforded, gave a +sudden turn to my mind; my whole soul was melted into softness, and all +my vanity was fled. My spark was too much used to affairs of this nature +not to perceive this change; at first the profuse transports of his joy +made me believe him wholly mine, and this belief gave me such happiness +that no language affords words to express it, and can be only known to +those who have felt it. But this was of a very short duration, for +I soon found I had to do with one of those men whose only end in the +pursuit of a woman is to make her fall a victim to an insatiable desire +to be admired. His designs had succeeded, and now he every day grew +colder, and, as if by infatuation, my passion every day increased; and, +notwithstanding all my resolutions and endeavors to the contrary, my +rage at the disappointment at once both of my love and pride, and at the +finding a passion fixed in my breast I knew not how to conquer, broke +out into that inconsistent behavior which must always be the consequence +of violent passions. One moment I reproached him, the next I grew to +tenderness and blamed myself, and thought I fancied what was not true: +he saw my struggle and triumphed in it; but, as he had not witnesses +enough there of his victory to give him the full enjoyment of it, +he grew weary of the country and returned to Paris, and left me in a +condition it is utterly impossible to describe. My mind was like a city +up in arms, all confusion; and every new thought was a fresh disturber +of my peace. Sleep quite forsook me, and the anxiety I suffered threw me +into a fever which had like to have cost me my life. With great care I +recovered, but the violence of the distemper left such a weakness on +my body that the disturbance of my mind was greatly assuaged; and now I +began to comfort myself in the reflection that this gentleman’s being +a finished coquette was very likely the only thing could have preserved +me; for he was the only man from whom I was ever in any danger. By that +time I was got tolerably well we returned to Paris; and I confess I both +wished and feared to see this cause of all my pain: however, I hoped, +by the help of my resentment, to be able to meet him with indifference. +This employed my thoughts till our arrival. The next day there was a +very full court to congratulate the queen on her recovery; and amongst +the rest my love appeared dressed and adorned as if he designed some +new conquest. Instead of seeing a woman he despised and slighted, +he approached me with that assured air which is common to successful +coxcombs. At the same time I perceived I was surrounded by all those +ladies who were on his account my greatest enemies, and, in revenge, +wished for nothing more than to see me make a ridiculous figure. This +situation so perplexed my thoughts, that when he came near enough to +speak to me, I fainted away in his arms. Had I studied which way I +could gratify him most, it was impossible to have done anything to have +pleased him more. Some that stood by brought smelling-bottles, and used +means for my recovery; and I was welcomed to returning life by all those +repartees which women enraged by envy are capable of venting. One cried +‘Well, I never thought my lord had anything so frightful in his person +or so fierce in his manner as to strike a young lady dead at the sight +of him.’ ‘No, no,’ says another, ‘some ladies’ senses are more apt to +be hurried by agreeable than disagreeable objects.’ With many more such +sort of speeches which showed more malice than wit. This not being able +to bear, trembling, and with but just strength enough to move, I crawled +to my coach and hurried home. When I was alone, and thought on what had +happened to me in a public court, I was at first driven to the utmost +despair; but afterwards, when I came to reflect, I believe this accident +contributed more to my being cured of my passion than any other could +have done. I began to think the only method to pique the man who had +used me so barbarously, and to be revenged on my spiteful rivals, was to +recover that beauty which was then languid and had lost its luster, to +let them see I had still charms enough to engage as many lovers as +I could desire, and that I could yet rival them who had thus cruelly +insulted me. These pleasing hopes revived my sinking spirits, and worked +a more effectual cure on me than all the philosophy and advice of the +wisest men could have done. I now employed all my time and care in +adorning my person, and studying the surest means of engaging the +affections of others, while I myself continued quite indifferent; for +I resolved for the future, if ever one soft thought made its way to my +heart, to fly the object of it, and by new lovers to drive the image +from my breast. I consulted my glass every morning, and got such a +command of my countenance that I could suit it to the different tastes +of variety of lovers; and though I was young, for I was not yet +above seventeen, yet my public way of life gave me such continual +opportunities of conversing with men, and the strong desire I now had +of pleasing them led me to make such constant observations on everything +they said or did, that I soon found out the different methods of dealing +with them. I observed that most men generally liked in women what was +most opposite to their own characters; therefore to the grave solid man +of sense I endeavored to appear sprightly and full of spirit; to the +witty and gay, soft and languishing; to the amorous (for they want +no increase of their passions), cold and reserved; to the fearful and +backward, warm and full of fire; and so of all the rest. As to beaux, +and all of those sort of men, whose desires are centered in the +satisfaction of their vanity, I had learned by sad experience the +only way to deal with them was to laugh at them and let their own good +opinion of themselves be the only support of their hopes. I knew, while +I could get other followers, I was sure of them; for the only sign of +modesty they ever give is that of not depending on their own judgments, +but following the opinions of the greatest number. Thus furnished with +maxims, and grown wise by past errors, I in a manner began the world +again: I appeared in all public places handsomer and more lively than +ever, to the amazement of every one who saw me and had heard of the +affair between me and my lord. He himself was much surprised and vexed +at this sudden change, nor could he account how it was possible for +me so soon to shake off those chains he thought he had fixed on me +for life; nor was he willing to lose his conquest in this manner. He +endeavored by all means possible to talk to me again of love, but I +stood fixed to my resolution (in which I was greatly assisted by the +crowd of admirers that daily surrounded me) never to let him explain +himself: for, notwithstanding all my pride, I found the first impression +the heart receives of love is so strong that it requires the most +vigilant care to prevent a relapse. Now I lived three years in a +constant round of diversions, and was made the perfect idol of all the +men that came to court of all ages and all characters. I had several +good matches offered me, but I thought none of them equal to my +merit; and one of my greatest pleasures was to see those women who had +pretended to rival me often glad to marry those whom I had refused. Yet, +notwithstanding this great success of my schemes, I cannot say I was +perfectly happy; for every woman that was taken the least notice of, and +every man that was insensible to my arts, gave me as much pain as all +the rest gave me pleasure; and sometimes little underhand plots which +were laid against my designs would succeed in spite of my care: so that +I really began to grow weary of this manner of life, when my father, +returning from his embassy in France, took me home with him, and carried +me to a little pleasant country-house, where there was nothing grand +or superfluous, but everything neat and agreeable. There I led a life +perfectly solitary. At first the time hung very heavy on my hands, and +I wanted all kind of employment, and I had very like to have fallen into +the height of the vapors, from no other reason but from want of knowing +what to do with myself. But when I had lived here a little time I found +such a calmness in my mind, and such a difference between this and the +restless anxieties I had experienced in a court, that I began to share +the tranquillity that visibly appeared in everything round me. I set +myself to do works of fancy, and to raise little flower-gardens, with +many such innocent rural amusements; which, although they are not +capable of affording any great pleasure, yet they give that serene turn +to the mind which I think much preferable to anything else human nature +is made susceptible of. I now resolved to spend the rest of my days +here, and that nothing should allure me from that sweet retirement, to +be again tossed about with tempestuous passions of any kind. Whilst +I was in this situation, my lord Percy, the earl of Northumberland’s +eldest son, by an accident of losing his way after a fox-chase, was met +by my father, about a mile from our house; he came home with him, only +with a design of dining with us, but was so taken with me that he stayed +three days. I had too much experience in all affairs of this kind not +to see presently the influence I had on him; but I was at that time +so entirely free from all ambition, that even the prospect of being a +countess had no effect on me; and I then thought nothing in the world +could have bribed me to have changed my way of life. This young lord, +who was just in his bloom, found his passion so strong, he could not +endure a long absence, but returned again in a week, and endeavored, by +all the means he could think of, to engage me to return his affection. +He addressed me with that tenderness and respect which women on earth +think can flow from nothing but real love; and very often told me that, +unless he could be so happy as by his assiduity and care to make himself +agreeable to me, although he knew my father would eagerly embrace any +proposal from him, yet he would suffer that last of miseries of never +seeing me more rather than owe his own happiness to anything that might +be the least contradiction to my inclinations. This manner of proceeding +had something in it so noble and generous, that by degrees it raised a +sensation in me which I know not how to describe, nor by what name +to call it: it was nothing like my former passion: for there was no +turbulence, no uneasy waking nights attending it, but all I could with +honor grant to oblige him appeared to me to be justly due to his truth +and love, and more the effect of gratitude than of any desire of my own. +The character I had heard of him from my father at my first returning +to England, in discoursing of the young nobility, convinced me that if +I was his wife I should have the perpetual satisfaction of knowing every +action of his must be approved by all the sensible part of mankind; so +that very soon I began to have no scruple left but that of leaving my +little scene of quietness, and venturing again into the world. But +this, by his continual application and submissive behavior, by degrees +entirely vanished, and I agreed he should take his own time to break +it to my father, whose consent he was not long in obtaining; for such +a match was by no means to be refused. There remained nothing now to be +done but to prevail with the earl of Northumberland to comply with what +his son so ardently desired; for which purpose he set out immediately +for London, and begged it as the greatest favor that I would accompany +my father, who was also to go thither the week following. I could not +refuse his request, and as soon as we arrived in town he flew to me with +the greatest raptures to inform me his father was so good that, finding +his happiness depended on his answer, he had given him free leave to +act in this affair as would best please himself, and that he had now no +obstacle to prevent his wishes. It was then the beginning of the winter, +and the time for our marriage was fixed for the latter end of March: the +consent of all parties made his access to me very easy, and we conversed +together both with innocence and pleasure. As his fondness was so great +that he contrived all the methods possible to keep me continually in his +sight, he told me one morning he was commanded by his father to attend +him to court that evening, and begged I would be so good as to meet +him there. I was now so used to act as he would have me that I made no +difficulty of complying with his desire. Two days after this, I was very +much surprised at perceiving such a melancholy in his countenance, +and alteration in his behavior, as I could no way account for; but, +by importunity, at last I got from him that cardinal Wolsey, for what +reason he knew not, had peremptorily forbid him to think any more of +me: and, when he urged that his father was not displeased with it, the +cardinal, in his imperious manner, answered him, he should give his +father such convincing reasons why it would be attended with great +inconveniences, that he was sure he could bring him to be of his +opinion. On which he turned from him, and gave him no opportunity of +replying. I could not imagine what design the cardinal could have in +intermeddling in this match, and I was still more perplexed to find that +my father treated my lord Percy with much more coldness than usual; he +too saw it, and we both wondered what could possibly be the cause of all +this. But it was not long before the mystery was all made clear by my +father, who, sending for me one day into his chamber, let me into a +secret which was as little wished for as expected. He began with the +surprising effects of youth and beauty, and the madness of letting go +those advantages they might procure us till it was too late, when we +might wish in vain to bring them back again. I stood amazed at this +beginning; he saw my confusion, and bid me sit down and attend to what +he was going to tell me, which was of the greatest consequence; and he +hoped I would be wise enough to take his advice, and act as he should +think best for my future welfare. He then asked me if I should not be +much pleased to be a queen? I answered, with the greatest earnestness, +that, so far from it, I would not live in a court again to be the +greatest queen in the world; that I had a lover who was both desirous +and able to raise my station even beyond my wishes. I found this +discourse was very displeasing; my father frowned, and called me a +romantic fool, and said if I would hearken to him he could make me a +queen; for the cardinal had told him that the king, from the time he +saw me at court the other night, liked me, and intended to get a divorce +from his wife, and to put me in her place; and ordered him to find some +method to make me a maid of honor to her present majesty, that in the +meantime he might have an opportunity of seeing me. It is impossible to +express the astonishment these words threw me into; and, notwithstanding +that the moment before, when it appeared at so great a distance, I was +very sincere in my declaration how much it was against my will to be +raised so high, yet now the prospect came nearer, I confess my heart +fluttered, and my eyes were dazzled with a view of being seated on a +throne. + +“My imagination presented before me all the pomp, power and greatness +that attend a crown; and I was so perplexed I knew not what to answer, +but remained as silent as if I had lost the use of my speech. My father, +who guessed what it was that made me in this condition, proceeded to +bring all the arguments he thought most likely to bend me to his will; +at last I recovered from this dream of grandeur, and begged him, by all +the most endearing names I could think of, not to urge me dishonorably +to forsake the man who I was convinced would raise me to an empire if in +his power, and who had enough in his power to give me all I desired. But +he was deaf to all I could say, and insisted that by next week I should +prepare myself to go to court: he bid me consider of it, and not prefer +a ridiculous notion of honor to the real interest of my whole family; +but, above all things, not to disclose what he had trusted me with. On +which he left me to my own thoughts. When I was alone I reflected how +little real tenderness this behavior showed to me, whose happiness he +did not at all consult, but only looked on me as a ladder, on which +he could climb to the height of his own ambitious desires: and when +I thought on his fondness for me in my infancy I could impute it to +nothing but either the liking me as a plaything or the gratification of +his vanity in my beauty. But I was too much divided between a crown and +my engagement to lord Percy to spend much time in thinking of anything +else; and, although my father had positively forbid me, yet, when he +came next, I could not help acquainting him with all that had passed, +with the reserve only of the struggle in my own mind on the first +mention of being a queen. I expected he would have received the news +with the greatest agonies; but he showed no vast emotion: however, he +could not help turning pale, and, taking me by the hand, looked at me +with an air of tenderness, and said, ‘If being a queen would make you +happy, and it is in your power to be so, I would not for the world +prevent it, let me suffer what I will.’ This amazing greatness of mind +had on me quite the contrary effect from what it ought to have had; for, +instead of increasing my love for him it almost put an end to it, and I +began to think, if he could part with me, the matter was not much. And +I am convinced, when any man gives up the possession of a woman whose +consent he has once obtained, let his motive be ever so generous, he +will disoblige her. I could not help showing my dissatisfaction, and +told him I was very glad this affair sat so easily on him. He had +not power to answer, but was so suddenly struck with this unexpected +ill-natured turn I gave his behavior, that he stood amazed for some +time, and then bowed and left me. Now I was again left to my own +reflections; but to make anything intelligible out of them is quite +impossible: I wished to be a queen, and wished I might not be one: I +would have my lord Percy happy without me; and yet I would not have the +power of my charms be so weak that he could bear the thought of life +after being disappointed in my love. But the result of all these +confused thoughts was a resolution to obey my father. I am afraid there +was not much duty in the case, though at that time I was glad to take +hold of that small shadow to save me from looking on my own actions +in the true light. When my lover came again I looked on him with +that coldness that he could not bear, on purpose to rid myself of all +importunity: for since I had resolved to use him ill I regarded him as +the monument of my shame, and his every look appeared to me to upbraid +me. My father soon carried me to court; there I had no very hard part +to act; for, with the experience I had had of mankind, I could find no +great difficulty in managing a man who liked me, and for whom I not only +did not care but had an utter aversion to: but this aversion he believed +to be virtue; for how credulous is a man who has an inclination to +believe! And I took care sometimes to drop words of cottages and love, +and how happy the woman was who fixed her affections on a man in such a +station of life that she might show her love without being suspected of +hypocrisy or mercenary views. All this was swallowed very easily by the +amorous king, who pushed on the divorce with the utmost impetuosity, +although the affair lasted a good while, and I remained most part of +the time behind the curtain. Whenever the king mentioned it to me I used +such arguments against it as I thought the most likely to make him +the more eager for it; begging that, unless his conscience was really +touched, he would not on my account give any grief to his virtuous +queen; for in being her handmaid I thought myself highly honored; and +that I would not only forego a crown, but even give up the pleasure of +ever seeing him more, rather than wrong my royal mistress. This way of +talking, joined to his eager desire to possess my person, convinced the +king so strongly of my exalted merit, that he thought it a meritorious +act to displace the woman (whom he could not have so good an opinion of, +because he was tired of her), and to put me in her place. After about a +year’s stay at court, as the king’s love to me began to be talked of, it +was thought proper to remove me, that there might be no umbrage given +to the queen’s party. I was forced to comply with this, though greatly +against my will; for I was very jealous that absence might change the +king’s mind. I retired again with my father to his country-seat, but +it had no longer those charms for me which I once enjoyed there; for my +mind was now too much taken up with ambition to make room for any other +thoughts. During my stay here, my royal lover often sent gentlemen to +me with messages and letters, which I always answered in the manner I +thought would best bring about my designs, which were to come back again +to court. In all the letters that passed between us there was something +so kingly and commanding in his, and so deceitful and submissive in +mine, that I sometimes could not help reflecting on the difference +betwixt this correspondence and that with lord Percy; yet I was so +pressed forward by the desire of a crown, I could not think of turning +back. In all I wrote I continually praised his resolution of letting me +be at a distance from him, since at this time it conduced indeed to my +honor; but, what was of ten times more weight with me, I thought it was +necessary for his; and I would sooner suffer anything in the world than +be any means of hurt to him, either in his interest or reputation. +I always gave some hints of ill health, with some reflections how +necessary the peace of the mind was to that of the body. By these means +I brought him to recall me again by the most absolute command, which I, +for a little time, artfully delayed (for I knew the impatience of his +temper would not bear any contradictions), till he made my father in +a manner force me to what I most wished, with the utmost appearance of +reluctance on my side. When I had gained this point I began to think +which way I could separate the king from the queen, for hitherto they +lived in the same house. The lady Mary, the queen’s daughter, being +then about sixteen, I sought for emissaries of her own age that I could +confide in, to instill into her mind disrespectful thoughts of her +father, and make a jest of the tenderness of his conscience about the +divorce. I knew she had naturally strong passions, and that young people +of that age are apt to think those that pretend to be their friends are +really so, and only speak their minds freely. I afterwards contrived to +have every word she spoke of him carried to the king, who took it all +as I could wish, and fancied those things did not come at first from the +young lady, but from her mother. He would often talk of it to me, and +I agreed with him in his sentiments; but then, as a great proof of my +goodness, I always endeavored to excuse her, by saying a lady so long +time used to be a royal queen might naturally be a little exasperated +with those she fancied would throw her from that station she so justly +deserved. By these sort of plots I found the way to make the king angry +with the queen; for nothing is easier than to make a man angry with a +woman he wants to be rid of, and who stands in the way between him +and his pleasure; so that now the king, on the pretense of the queen’s +obstinacy in a point where his conscience was so tenderly concerned, +parted with her. Everything was now plain before me; I had nothing +farther to do but to let the king alone to his own desires; and I had no +reason to fear, since they had carried him so far, but that they would +urge him on to do everything I aimed at. I was created marchioness of +Pembroke. This dignity sat very easy on me; for the thoughts of a much +higher title took from me all feeling of this; and I looked upon being +a marchioness as a trifle, not that I saw the bauble in its true light, +but because it fell short of what I had figured to myself I should soon +obtain. The king’s desires grew very impatient, and it was not long +before I was privately married to him. I was no sooner his wife than I +found all the queen come upon me; I felt myself conscious of royalty, +and even the faces of my most intimate acquaintance seemed to me to be +quite strange. I hardly knew them: height had turned my head, and I was +like a man placed on a monument, to whose sight all creatures at a great +distance below him appear like so many little pigmies crawling about +on the earth; and the prospect so greatly delighted me, that I did not +presently consider that in both cases descending a few steps erected +by human hands would place us in the number of those very pigmies who +appeared so despicable. Our marriage was kept private for some time, for +it was not thought proper to make it public (the affair of the divorce +not being finished) till the birth of my daughter Elizabeth made it +necessary. But all who saw me knew it; for my manner of speaking and +acting was so much changed with my station, that all around me plainly +perceived I was sure I was a queen. While it was a secret I had yet +something to wish for; I could not be perfectly satisfied till all the +world was acquainted with my fortune: but when my coronation was over, +and I was raised to the height of my ambition, instead of finding myself +happy, I was in reality more miserable than ever; for, besides that +the aversion I had naturally to the king was much more difficult +to dissemble after marriage than before, and grew into a perfect +detestation, my imagination, which had thus warmly pursued a crown, grew +cool when I was in the possession of it, and gave me time to reflect +what mighty matter I had gained by all this bustle; and I often used to +think myself in the case of the fox-hunter, who, when he has toiled and +sweated all day in the chase as if some unheard-of blessing was to crown +his success, finds at last all he has got by his labor is a stinking +nauseous animal. But my condition was yet worse than his; for he leaves +the loathsome wretch to be torn by his hounds, whilst I was obliged to +fondle mine, and meanly pretend him to be the object of my love. For the +whole time I was in this envied, this exalted state, I led a continual +life of hypocrisy, which I now know nothing on earth can compensate. I +had no companion but the man I hated. I dared not disclose my sentiments +to any person about me, nor did any one presume to enter into any +freedom of conversation with me; but all who spoke to me talked to the +queen, and not to me; for they would have said just the same things to +a dressed-up puppet, if the king had taken a fancy to call it his wife. +And as I knew every woman in the court was my enemy, from thinking she +had much more right than I had to the place I filled, I thought myself +as unhappy as if I had been placed in a wild wood, where there was no +human creature for me to speak to, in a continual fear of leaving any +traces of my footsteps, lest I should be found by some dreadful monster, +or stung by snakes and adders; for such are spiteful women to the +objects of their envy. In this worst of all situations I was obliged to +hide my melancholy and appear cheerful. This threw me into an error the +other way, and I sometimes fell into a levity in my behavior that was +afterwards made use of to my disadvantage. I had a son deadborn, which I +perceived abated something of the king’s ardor; for his temper could +not brook the least disappointment. This gave me no uneasiness; for, not +considering the consequences, I could not help being best pleased when I +had least of his company. Afterwards I found he had cast his eyes on one +of my maids of honor; and, whether it was owing to any art of hers, or +only to the king’s violent passions, I was in the end used even worse +than my former mistress had been by my means. The decay of the +king’s affection was presently seen by all those court-sycophants who +continually watch the motions of royal eyes; and the moment they found +they could be heard against me they turned my most innocent actions and +words, nay, even my very looks, into proofs of the blackest crimes. The +king, who was impatient to enjoy his new love, lent a willing ear to all +my accusers, who found ways of making him jealous that I was false +to his bed. He would not so easily have believed anything against me +before, but he was now glad to flatter himself that he had found a +reason to do just what he had resolved upon without a reason; and on +some slight pretenses and hearsay evidence I was sent to the Tower, +where the lady who was my greatest enemy was appointed to watch me and +lie in the same chamber with me. This was really as bad a punishment as +my death, for she insulted me with those keen reproaches and spiteful +witticisms, which threw me into such vapors and violent fits that I +knew not what I uttered in this condition. She pretended I had confessed +talking ridiculous stuff with a set of low fellows whom I had hardly +ever taken notice of, as could have imposed on none but such as were +resolved to believe. I was brought to my trial, and, to blacken me the +more, accused of conversing criminally with my own brother, whom indeed +I loved extremely well, but never looked on him in any other light than +as my friend. However, I was condemned to be beheaded, or burnt, as the +king pleased; and he was graciously pleased, from the great remains of +his love, to choose the mildest sentence. I was much less shocked at +this manner of ending my life than I should have been in any other +station: but I had had so little enjoyment from the time I had been a +queen, that death was the less dreadful to me. The chief things that lay +on my conscience were the arts I made use of to induce the king to part +with the queen, my ill usage of lady Mary, and my jilting lord Percy. +However, I endeavored to calm my mind as well as I could, and hoped +these crimes would be forgiven me; for in other respects I had led a +very innocent life, and always did all the good-natured actions I found +any opportunity of doing. From the time I had it in my power, I gave a +great deal of money amongst the poor; I prayed very devoutly, and went +to my execution very composedly. Thus I lost my life at the age of +twenty-nine, in which short time I believe I went through more variety +of scenes than many people who live to be very old. I had lived in a +court, where I spent my time in coquetry and gayety; I had experienced +what it was to have one of those violent passions which makes the +mind all turbulence and anxiety; I had had a lover whom I esteemed and +valued, and at the latter part of my life I was raised to a station as +high as the vainest woman could wish. But in all these various changes +I never enjoyed any real satisfaction, unless in the little time I lived +retired in the country free from all noise and hurry, and while I was +conscious I was the object of the love and esteem of a man of sense and +honor.” + +On the conclusion of this history Minos paused for a small time, and +then ordered the gate to be thrown open for Anna Boleyn’s admittance +on the consideration that whoever had suffered being the queen for four +years, and been sensible during all that time of the real misery which +attends that exalted station, ought to be forgiven whatever she had done +to obtain it. [11] + + + + +Footnotes: + +[Footnote 1: Some doubt whether this should not be rather 1641, which +is a date more agreeable to the account given of it in the introduction: +but then there are some passages which seem to relate to transactions +infinitely later, even within this year or two. To say the truth there +are difficulties attending either conjecture; so the reader may take +which he pleases.] + +[Footnote 2: Eyes are not perhaps so properly adapted to a spiritual +substance; but we are here, as in many other places, obliged to use +corporeal terms to make ourselves the better understood. ] + +[Footnote 3: This is the dress in which the god appears to mortals at +the theaters. One of the offices attributed to this god by the ancients, +was to collect the ghosts as a shepherd doth a flock of sheep, and drive +them with his wand into the other world.] + +[Footnote 4: Those who have read of the gods sleeping in Homer will not +be surprised at this happening to spirits.] + +[Footnote 5: A particular lady of quality is meant here; but every +lady of quality, or no quality, are welcome to apply the character to +themselves.] + +[Footnote 6: We have before made an apology for this language, which +we here repeat for the last time; though the heart may, we hope, be +metaphorically used here with more propriety than when we apply those +passions to the body which belong to the soul.] + +[Footnote 7: That we may mention it once for all, in the panegyrical +part of this work some particular person is always meant: but, in the +satirical, nobody.] + +[Footnote 8: These ladies, I believe, by their names, presided over the +leprosy, king’s-evil, and scurvy.] + + +[Footnote 9: This silly story is told as a solemn truth (i.e., that +St. James really appeared in the manner this fellow is described) by +Mariana, 1.7, Section 78.] + +[Footnote 10: Here part of the manuscript is lost, and that a very +considerable one, as appears by the number of the next book and chapter, +which contains, I find, the history of Anna Boleyn; but as to the manner +in which it was introduced, or to whom the narrative is told, we are +totally left in the dark. I have only to remark, that this chapter is, +in the original, writ in a woman’s hand: and, though the observations in +it are, I think, as excellent as any in the whole volume, there seems to +be a difference in style between this and the preceding chapters; and, +as it is the character of a woman which is related, I am inclined to +fancy it was really written by one of that sex.] + +[Footnote 11: Here ends this curious manuscript; the rest being +destroyed in rolling up pens, tobacco, &c. It is to be hoped heedless +people will henceforth be more cautious what they burn, or use to other +vile purposes; especially when they consider the fate which had likely +to have befallen the divine Milton, and that the works of Homer were +probably discovered in some chandlers shop in Greece.] + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg’s From This World to the Next, by Henry Fielding + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FROM THIS WORLD TO THE NEXT *** + +***** This file should be named 1147-0.txt or 1147-0.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/4/1147/ + +Produced by Charles Keller + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project +Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the Foundation” + or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the phrase “Project +Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase “Project Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +“Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, “Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.” + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +“Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right +of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’ WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm’s +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws. + +The Foundation’s principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation’s web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/old/1147-0.zip b/old/1147-0.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..20cfcda --- /dev/null +++ b/old/1147-0.zip diff --git a/old/1147-h.zip b/old/1147-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8a1e706 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/1147-h.zip diff --git a/old/1147-h/1147-h.htm b/old/1147-h/1147-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..76eb582 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/1147-h/1147-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,5243 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + A Journey from This World to the Next, by Henry Fielding + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of From This World to the Next, by Henry Fielding + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: From This World to the Next + +Author: Henry Fielding + +Release Date: July 27, 2008 [EBook #1147] +Last Updated: November 5, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FROM THIS WORLD TO THE NEXT *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + A JOURNEY FROM THIS WORLD<br /> TO THE NEXT + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By Henry Fielding + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <blockquote> + <p class="toc"> + <big><b>CONTENTS</b></big> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> <b>A JOURNEY FROM THIS WORLD TO THE NEXT</b> + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_INTR"> INTRODUCTION </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> BOOK I </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XVI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER XVII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER XVIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER XIX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER XX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0021"> CHAPTER XXI </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0022"> CHAPTER XXII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0023"> CHAPTER XXIII </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0024"> CHAPTER XXIV </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0025"> CHAPTER XXV </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0029"> BOOK XIX </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0026"> CHAPTER VII </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_FOOT"> Footnotes: </a> + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_TOC" id="link2H_TOC"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h1> + A JOURNEY FROM THIS WORLD<br /> TO THE NEXT + </h1> + <p> + <a name="link2H_INTR" id="link2H_INTR"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + INTRODUCTION + </h2> + <p> + Whether the ensuing pages were really the dream or vision of some very + pious and holy person; or whether they were really written in the other + world, and sent back to this, which is the opinion of many (though I think + too much inclining to superstition); or lastly, whether, as infinitely the + greatest part imagine, they were really the production of some choice + inhabitant of New Bethlehem, is not necessary nor easy to determine. It + will be abundantly sufficient if I give the reader an account by what + means they came into my possession. Mr. Robert Powney, stationer, who + dwells opposite to Catherine-street in the Strand, a very honest man and + of great gravity of countenance; who, among other excellent stationery + commodities, is particularly eminent for his pens, which I am abundantly + bound to acknowledge, as I owe to their peculiar goodness that my + manuscripts have by any means been legible: this gentleman, I say, + furnished me some time since with a bundle of those pens, wrapped up with + great care and caution, in a very large sheet of paper full of characters, + written as it seemed in a very bad hand. Now, I have a surprising + curiosity to read everything which is almost illegible; partly perhaps + from the sweet remembrance of the dear Scrawls, Skrawls, or Skrales (for + the word is variously spelled), which I have in my youth received from + that lovely part of the creation for which I have the tenderest regard; + and partly from that temper of mind which makes men set an immense value + on old manuscripts so effaced, bustoes so maimed, and pictures so black + that no one can tell what to make of them. I therefore perused this sheet + with wonderful application, and in about a day’s time discovered that I + could not understand it. I immediately repaired to Mr. Powney, and + inquired very eagerly whether he had not more of the same manuscript? He + produced about one hundred pages, acquainting me that he had saved no + more; but that the book was originally a huge folio, had been left in his + garret by a gentleman who lodged there, and who had left him no other + satisfaction for nine months’ lodging. He proceeded to inform me that the + manuscript had been hawked about (as he phrased it) among all the + booksellers, who refused to meddle; some alleged that they could not read, + others that they could not understand it. Some would haze it to be an + atheistical book, and some that it was a libel on the government; for one + or other of which reasons they all refused to print it. That it had been + likewise shown to the R—l Society, but they shook their heads, + saying, there was nothing in it wonderful enough for them. That, hearing + the gentleman was gone to the West-Indies, and believing it to be good for + nothing else, he had used it as waste paper. He said I was welcome to what + remained, and he was heartily sorry for what was missing, as I seemed to + set some value on it. + </p> + <p> + I desired him much to name a price: but he would receive no consideration + farther than the payment of a small bill I owed him, which at that time he + said he looked on as so much money given him. + </p> + <p> + I presently communicated this manuscript to my friend parson Abraham + Adams, who, after a long and careful perusal, returned it me with his + opinion that there was more in it than at first appeared; that the author + seemed not entirely unacquainted with the writings of Plato; but he wished + he had quoted him sometimes in his margin, that I might be sure (said he) + he had read him in the original: for nothing, continued the parson, is + commoner than for men now-a-days to pretend to have read Greek authors, + who have met with them only in translations, and cannot conjugate a verb + in mi. + </p> + <p> + To deliver my own sentiments on the occasion, I think the author discovers + a philosophical turn of thinking, with some little knowledge of the world, + and no very inadequate value of it. There are some indeed who, from the + vivacity of their temper and the happiness of their station, are willing + to consider its blessings as more substantial, and the whole to be a scene + of more consequence than it is here represented: but, without + controverting their opinions at present, the number of wise and good men + who have thought with our author are sufficient to keep him in + countenance: nor can this be attended with any ill inference, since he + everywhere teaches this moral: That the greatest and truest happiness + which this world affords, is to be found only in the possession of + goodness and virtue; a doctrine which, as it is undoubtedly true, so hath + it so noble and practical a tendency, that it can never be too often or + too strongly inculcated on the minds of men. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK I + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The author dies, meets with Mercury, and is by him conducted + to the stage which sets out for the other world. +</pre> + <p> + On the first day of December 1741 <a href="#linknote-1" + name="linknoteref-1" id="linknoteref-1"><small>1</small></a> I departed + this life at my lodgings in Cheapside. My body had been some time dead + before I was at liberty to quit it, lest it should by any accident return + to life: this is an injunction imposed on all souls by the eternal law of + fate, to prevent the inconveniences which would follow. As soon as the + destined period was expired (being no longer than till the body is become + perfectly cold and stiff) I began to move; but found myself under a + difficulty of making my escape, for the mouth or door was shut, so that it + was impossible for me to go out at it; and the windows, vulgarly called + the eyes, were so closely pulled down by the fingers of a nurse, that I + could by no means open them. At last I perceived a beam of light + glimmering at the top of the house (for such I may call the body I had + been inclosed in), whither ascending, I gently let myself down through a + kind of chimney, and issued out at the nostrils. + </p> + <p> + No prisoner discharged from a long confinement ever tasted the sweets of + liberty with a more exquisite relish than I enjoyed in this delivery from + a dungeon wherein I had been detained upwards of forty years, and with + much the same kind of regard I cast my eyes <a href="#linknote-2" + name="linknoteref-2" id="linknoteref-2"><small>2</small></a> backwards + upon it. + </p> + <p> + My friends and relations had all quitted the room, being all (as I plainly + overheard) very loudly quarreling below stairs about my will; there was + only an old woman left above to guard the body, as I apprehend. She was in + a fast sleep, occasioned, as from her savor it seemed, by a comfortable + dose of gin. I had no pleasure in this company, and, therefore, as the + window was wide open, I sallied forth into the open air: but, to my great + astonishment, found myself unable to fly, which I had always during my + habitation in the body conceived of spirits; however, I came so lightly to + the ground that I did not hurt myself; and, though I had not the gift of + flying (owing probably to my having neither feathers nor wings), I was + capable of hopping such a prodigious way at once, that it served my turn + almost as well. I had not hopped far before I perceived a tall young + gentleman in a silk waistcoat, with a wing on his left heel, a garland on + his head, and a caduceus in his right hand. <a href="#linknote-3" + name="linknoteref-3" id="linknoteref-3"><small>3</small></a> I thought I + had seen this person before, but had not time to recollect where, when he + called out to me and asked me how long I had been departed. I answered I + was just come forth. “You must not stay here,” replied he, “unless you had + been murdered: in which case, indeed, you might have been suffered to walk + some time; but if you died a natural death you must set out for the other + world immediately.” I desired to know the way. “O,” cried the gentleman, + “I will show you to the inn whence the stage proceeds; for I am the + porter. Perhaps you never heard of me—my name is Mercury.” “Sure, + sir,” said I, “I have seen you at the play-house.” Upon which he smiled, + and, without satisfying me as to that point, walked directly forward, + bidding me hop after him. I obeyed him, and soon found myself in + Warwick-lane; where Mercury, making a full stop, pointed at a particular + house, where he bade me enquire for the stage, and, wishing me a good + journey, took his leave, saying he must go seek after other customers. + </p> + <p> + I arrived just as the coach was setting out, and found I had no reason for + inquiry; for every person seemed to know my business the moment I appeared + at the door: the coachman told me his horses were to, but that he had no + place left; however, though there were already six, the passengers offered + to make room for me. I thanked them, and ascended without much ceremony. + We immediately began our journey, being seven in number; for, as the women + wore no hoops, three of them were but equal to two men. Perhaps, reader, + thou mayest be pleased with an account of this whole equipage, as + peradventure thou wilt not, while alive, see any such. The coach was made + by an eminent toyman, who is well known to deal in immaterial substance, + that being the matter of which it was compounded. The work was so + extremely fine, that it was entirely invisible to the human eye. The + horses which drew this extraordinary vehicle were all spiritual, as well + as the passengers. They had, indeed, all died in the service of a certain + postmaster; and as for the coachman, who was a very thin piece of + immaterial substance, he had the honor while alive of driving the Great + Peter, or Peter the Great, in whose service his soul, as well as body, was + almost starved to death. Such was the vehicle in which I set out, and now, + those who are not willing to travel on with me may, if they please, stop + here; those who are, must proceed to the subsequent chapters, in which + this journey is continued. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + In which the author first refutes some idle opinions + concerning spirits, and then the passengers relate their + several deaths. +</pre> + <p> + It is the common opinion that spirits, like owls, can see in the dark; + nay, and can then most easily be perceived by others. For which reason, + many persons of good understanding, to prevent being terrified with such + objects, usually keep a candle burning by them, that the light may prevent + their seeing. Mr. Locke, in direct opposition to this, hath not doubted to + assert that you may see a spirit in open daylight full as well as in the + darkest night. + </p> + <p> + It was very dark when we set out from the inn, nor could we see any more + than if every soul of us had been alive. We had traveled a good way before + any one offered to open his mouth; indeed, most of the company were fast + asleep, <a href="#linknote-4" name="linknoteref-4" id="linknoteref-4"><small>4</small></a> + but, as I could not close my own eyes, and perceived the spirit who sat + opposite to me to be likewise awake, I began to make overtures of + conversation, by complaining HOW DARK IT WAS. “And extremely cold too,” + answered my fellow traveler; “though, I thank God, as I have no body, I + feel no inconvenience from it: but you will believe, sir, that this frosty + air must seem very sharp to one just issued forth out of an oven; for such + was the inflamed habitation I am lately departed from.” “How did you come + to your end, sir?” said I. “I was murdered, sir,” answered the gentleman. + “I am surprised then,” replied I, “that you did not divert yourself by + walking up and down and playing some merry tricks with the murderer.” “Oh, + sir,” returned he, “I had not that privilege, I was lawfully put to death. + In short, a physician set me on fire, by giving me medicines to throw out + my distemper. I died of a hot regimen, as they call it, in the small-pox.” + </p> + <p> + One of the spirits at that word started up and cried out, “The small-pox! + bless me! I hope I am not in company with that distemper, which I have all + my life with such caution avoided, and have so happily escaped hitherto!” + This fright set all the passengers who were awake into a loud laughter; + and the gentleman, recollecting himself, with some confusion, and not + without blushing, asked pardon, crying, “I protest I dreamed that I was + alive.” “Perhaps, sir,” said I, “you died of that distemper, which + therefore made so strong an impression on you.” “No, sir,” answered he, “I + never had it in my life; but the continual and dreadful apprehension it + kept me so long under cannot, I see, be so immediately eradicated. You + must know, sir, I avoided coming to London for thirty years together, for + fear of the small-pox, till the most urgent business brought me thither + about five days ago. I was so dreadfully afraid of this disease that I + refused the second night of my arrival to sup with a friend whose wife had + recovered of it several months before, and the same evening got a surfeit + by eating too many muscles, which brought me into this good company.” + </p> + <p> + “I will lay a wager,” cried the spirit who sat next him, “there is not one + in the coach able to guess my distemper.” I desired the favor of him to + acquaint us with it, if it was so uncommon. “Why, sir,” said he, “I died + of honor.”—“Of honor, sir!” repeated I, with some surprise. “Yes, + sir,” answered the spirit, “of honor, for I was killed in a duel.” + </p> + <p> + “For my part,” said a fair spirit, “I was inoculated last summer, and had + the good fortune to escape with a very few marks on my face. I esteemed + myself now perfectly happy, as I imagined I had no restraint to a full + enjoyment of the diversions of the town; but within a few days after my + coming up I caught cold by overdancing myself at a ball, and last night + died of a violent fever.” + </p> + <p> + After a short silence which now ensued, the fair spirit who spoke last, it + being now daylight, addressed herself to a female who sat next her, and + asked her to what chance they owed the happiness of her company. She + answered, she apprehended to a consumption, but the physicians were not + agreed concerning her distemper, for she left two of them in a very hot + dispute about it when she came out of her body. “And pray, madam,” said + the same spirit to the sixth passenger, “How came you to leave the other + world?” But that female spirit, screwing up her mouth, answered, she + wondered at the curiosity of some people; that perhaps persons had already + heard some reports of her death, which were far from being true; that, + whatever was the occasion of it, she was glad at being delivered from a + world in which she had no pleasure, and where there was nothing but + nonsense and impertinence; particularly among her own sex, whose loose + conduct she had long been entirely ashamed of. + </p> + <p> + The beauteous spirit, perceiving her question gave offense, pursued it no + farther. She had indeed all the sweetness and good-humor which are so + extremely amiable (when found) in that sex which tenderness most + exquisitely becomes. Her countenance displayed all the cheerfulness, the + good-nature, and the modesty, which diffuse such brightness round the + beauty of Seraphina, <a href="#linknote-5" name="linknoteref-5" + id="linknoteref-5"><small>5</small></a> awing every beholder with respect, + and, at the same time, ravishing him with admiration. Had it not been + indeed for our conversation on the small-pox, I should have imagined we + had been honored with her identical presence. This opinion might have been + heightened by the good sense she uttered whenever she spoke, by the + delicacy of her sentiments, and the complacence of her behavior, together + with a certain dignity which attended every look, word, and gesture; + qualities which could not fail making an impression on a heart <a + href="#linknote-6" name="linknoteref-6" id="linknoteref-6"><small>6</small></a> + so capable of receiving it as mine, nor was she long in raising in me a + very violent degree of seraphic love. I do not intend by this, that sort + of love which men are very properly said to make to women in the lower + world, and which seldom lasts any longer than while it is making. I mean + by seraphic love an extreme delicacy and tenderness of friendship, of + which, my worthy reader, if thou hast no conception, as it is probable + thou mayest not, my endeavor to instruct thee would be as fruitless as it + would be to explain the most difficult problems of Sir Isaac Newton to one + ignorant of vulgar arithmetic. + </p> + <p> + To return therefore to matters comprehensible by all understandings: the + discourse now turned on the vanity, folly, and misery of the lower world, + from which every passenger in the coach expressed the highest satisfaction + in being delivered; though it was very remarkable that, notwithstanding + the joy we declared at our death, there was not one of us who did not + mention the accident which occasioned it as a thing we would have avoided + if we could. Nay, the very grave lady herself, who was the forwardest in + testifying her delight, confessed inadvertently that she left a physician + by her bedside; and the gentleman who died of honor very liberally cursed + both his folly and his fencing. While we were entertaining ourselves with + these matters, on a sudden a most offensive smell began to invade our + nostrils. This very much resembled the savor which travelers in summer + perceive at their approach to that beautiful village of the Hague, arising + from those delicious canals which, as they consist of standing water, do + at that time emit odors greatly agreeable to a Dutch taste, but not so + pleasant to any other. Those perfumes, with the assistance of a fair wind, + begin to affect persons of quick olfactory nerves at a league’s distance, + and increase gradually as you approach. In the same manner did the smell I + have just mentioned, more and more invade us, till one of the spirits, + looking out of the coach-window, declared we were just arrived at a very + large city; and indeed he had scarce said so before we found ourselves in + the suburbs, and, at the same time, the coachman, being asked by another, + informed us that the name of this place was the City of Diseases. The road + to it was extremely smooth, and, excepting the above-mentioned savor, + delightfully pleasant. The streets of the suburbs were lined with bagnios, + taverns, and cooks’ shops: in the first we saw several beautiful women, + but in tawdry dresses, looking out at the windows; and in the latter were + visibly exposed all kinds of the richest dainties; but on our entering the + city we found, contrary to all we had seen in the other world, that the + suburbs were infinitely pleasanter than the city itself. It was indeed a + very dull, dark, and melancholy place. Few people appeared in the streets, + and these, for the most part, were old women, and here and there a formal + grave gentleman, who seemed to be thinking, with large tie-wigs on, and + amber-headed canes in their hands. We were all in hopes that our vehicle + would not stop here; but, to our sorrow, the coach soon drove into an inn, + and we were obliged to alight. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The adventures we met with in the City of Diseases. +</pre> + <p> + We had not been long arrived in our inn, where it seems we were to spend + the remainder of the day, before our host acquainted us that it was + customary for all spirits, in their passage through that city, to pay + their respects to that lady Disease, to whose assistance they had owed + their deliverance from the lower world. We answered we should not fail in + any complacence which was usual to others; upon which our host replied he + would immediately send porters to conduct us. He had not long quitted the + room before we were attended by some of those grave persons whom I have + before described in large tie-wigs with amber-headed canes. These + gentlemen are the ticket-porters in the city, and their canes are the + insignia, or tickets, denoting their office. We informed them of the + several ladies to whom we were obliged, and were preparing to follow them, + when on a sudden they all stared at one another, and left us in a hurry, + with a frown on every countenance. We were surprised at this behavior, and + presently summoned the host, who was no sooner acquainted with it than he + burst into an hearty laugh, and told us the reason was, because we did not + fee the gentlemen the moment they came in, according to the custom of the + place. We answered, with some confusion, we had brought nothing with us + from the other world, which we had been all our lives informed was not + lawful to do. “No, no, master,” replied the host; “I am apprised of that, + and indeed it was my fault. I should have first sent you to my lord + Scrape, <a href="#linknote-7" name="linknoteref-7" id="linknoteref-7"><small>7</small></a> + who would have supplied you with what you want.” “My lord Scrape supply + us!” said I, with astonishment: “sure you must know we cannot give him + security; and I am convinced he never lent a shilling without it in his + life.” “No, sir,” answered the host, “and for that reason he is obliged to + do it here, where he is sentenced to keep a bank, and to distribute money + gratis to all passengers. This bank originally consisted of just that sum, + which he had miserably hoarded up in the other world, and he is to + perceive it decrease visibly one shilling a-day, till it is totally + exhausted; after which he is to return to the other world, and perform the + part of a miser for seventy years; then, being purified in the body of a + hog, he is to enter the human species again, and take a second trial.” + “Sir,” said I, “you tell me wonders: but if his bank be to decrease only a + shilling a day, how can he furnish all passengers?” “The rest,” answered + the host, “is supplied again; but in a manner which I cannot easily + explain to you.” “I apprehend,” said I, “this distribution of his money is + inflicted on him as a punishment; but I do not see how it can answer that + end, when he knows it is to be restored to him again. Would it not serve + the purpose as well if he parted only with the single shilling, which it + seems is all he is really to lose?” “Sir,” cries the host, “when you + observe the agonies with which he parts with every guinea, you will be of + another opinion. No prisoner condemned to death ever begged so heartily + for transportation as he, when he received his sentence, did to go to + hell, provided he might carry his money with him. But you will know more + of these things when you arrive at the upper world; and now, if you + please, I will attend you to my lord’s, who is obliged to supply you with + whatever you desire.” + </p> + <p> + We found his lordship sitting at the upper end of a table, on which was an + immense sum of money, disposed in several heaps, every one of which would + have purchased the honor of some patriots and the chastity of some prudes. + The moment he saw us he turned pale, and sighed, as well apprehending our + business. Mine host accosted him with a familiar air, which at first + surprised me, who so well remembered the respect I had formerly seen paid + this lord by men infinitely superior in quality to the person who now + saluted him in the following manner: “Here, you lord, and be dam—d + to your little sneaking soul, tell out your money, and supply your betters + with what they want. Be quick, sirrah, or I’ll fetch the beadle to you. + Don’t fancy yourself in the lower world again, with your privilege at your + a—.” He then shook a cane at his lordship, who immediately began to + tell out his money, with the same miserable air and face which the miser + on our stage wears while he delivers his bank-bills. This affected some of + us so much that we had certainly returned with no more than what would + have been sufficient to fee the porters, had not our host, perceiving our + compassion, begged us not to spare a fellow who, in the midst of immense + wealth, had always refused the least contribution to charity. Our hearts + were hardened with this reflection, and we all filled our pockets with his + money. I remarked a poetical spirit, in particular, who swore he would + have a hearty gripe at him: “For,” says he, “the rascal not only refused + to subscribe to my works, but sent back my letter unanswered, though I am + a better gentleman than himself.” We now returned from this miserable + object, greatly admiring the propriety as well as justice of his + punishment, which consisted, as our host informed us, merely in the + delivering forth his money; and, he observed, we could not wonder at the + pain this gave him, since it was as reasonable that the bare parting with + money should make him miserable as that the bare having money without + using it should have made him happy. Other tie-wig porters (for those we + had summoned before refused to visit us again) now attended us; and we + having fee’d them the instant they entered the room, according to the + instructions of our host, they bowed and smiled, and offered to introduce + us to whatever disease we pleased. + </p> + <p> + We set out several ways, as we were all to pay our respects to different + ladies. I directed my porter to show me to the Fever on the Spirits, being + the disease which had delivered me from the flesh. My guide and I + traversed many streets, and knocked at several doors, but to no purpose. + At one, we were told, lived the Consumption; at another, the Maladie + Alamode, a French lady; at the third, the Dropsy; at the fourth, the + Rheumatism; at the fifth, Intemperance; at the sixth, Misfortune. I was + tired, and had exhausted my patience, and almost my purse; for I gave my + porter a new fee at every blunder he made: when my guide, with a solemn + countenance, told me he could do no more; and marched off without any + farther ceremony. + </p> + <p> + He was no sooner gone than I met another gentleman with a ticket, i. e., + an amber-headed cane in his hand. I first fee’d him, and then acquainted + him with the name of the disease. He cast himself for two or three minutes + into a thoughtful posture, then pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket, + on which he wrote something in one of the Oriental languages, I believe, + for I could not read a syllable: he bade me carry it to such a particular + shop, and, telling me it would do my business, he took his leave. + </p> + <p> + Secure, as I now thought myself, of my direction, I went to the shop, + which very much resembled an apothecary’s. The person who officiated, + having read the paper, took down about twenty different jars, and, pouring + something out of every one of them, made a mixture, which he delivered to + me in a bottle, having first tied a paper round the neck of it, on which + were written three or four words, the last containing eleven syllables. I + mentioned the name of the disease I wanted to find out, but received no + other answer than that he had done as he was ordered, and the drugs were + excellent. I began now to be enraged, and, quitting the shop with some + anger in my countenance, I intended to find out my inn, but, meeting in + the way a porter whose countenance had in it something more pleasing than + ordinary, I resolved to try once more, and clapped a fee into his hand. As + soon as I mentioned the disease to him he laughed heartily, and told me I + had been imposed on, for in reality no such disease was to be found in + that city. He then inquired into the particulars of my case, and was no + sooner acquainted with them than he informed me that the Maladie Alamode + was the lady to whom I was obliged. I thanked him, and immediately went to + pay my respects to her. The house, or rather palace, of this lady was one + of the most beautiful and magnificent in the city. The avenue to it was + planted with sycamore trees, with beds of flowers on each side; it was + extremely pleasant but short. I was conducted through a magnificent hall, + adorned with several statues and bustoes, most of them maimed, whence I + concluded them all to be true antiques; but was informed they were the + figures of several modern heroes, who had died martyrs to her ladyship’s + cause. I next mounted through a large painted staircase, where several + persons were depicted in caricatura; and, upon inquiry, was told they were + the portraits of those who had distinguished themselves against the lady + in the lower world. I suppose I should have known the faces of many + physicians and surgeons, had they not been so violently distorted by the + painter. Indeed, he had exerted so much malice in his work, that I believe + he had himself received some particular favors from the lady of this + mansion: it is difficult to conceive a group of stranger figures. I then + entered a long room, hung round with the pictures of women of such exact + shapes and features that I should have thought myself in a gallery of + beauties, had not a certain sallow paleness in their complexions given me + a more distasteful idea. Through this I proceeded to a second apartment, + adorned, if I may so call it, with the figures of old ladies. Upon my + seeming to admire at this furniture, the servant told me with a smile that + these had been very good friends of his lady, and had done her eminent + service in the lower world. I immediately recollected the faces of one or + two of my acquaintance, who had formerly kept bagnios; but was very much + surprised to see the resemblance of a lady of great distinction in such + company. The servant, upon my mentioning this, made no other answer than + that his lady had pictures of all degrees. I was now introduced into the + presence of the lady herself. She was a thin, or rather meager, person, + very wan in the countenance, had no nose and many pimples in her face. She + offered to rise at my entrance, but could not stand. After many + compliments, much congratulation on her side, and the most fervent + expressions of gratitude on mine, she asked me many questions concerning + the situation of her affairs in the lower world; most of which I answered + to her entire satisfaction. At last, with a kind of forced smile, she + said, “I suppose the pill and drop go on swimmingly?” I told her they were + reported to have done great cures. She replied she could apprehend no + danger from any person who was not of regular practice; “for, however + simple mankind are,” said she, “or however afraid they are of death, they + prefer dying in a regular manner to being cured by a nostrum.” She then + expressed great pleasure at the account I gave her of the beau monde. She + said she had herself removed the hundreds of Drury to the hundreds of + Charing-cross, and was very much delighted to find they had spread into + St. James’s; that she imputed this chiefly to several of her dear and + worthy friends, who had lately published their excellent works, + endeavoring to extirpate all notions of religion and virtue; and + particularly to the deserving author of the Bachelor’s Estimate; “to + whom,” said she, “if I had not reason to think he was a surgeon, and had + therefore written from mercenary views, I could never sufficiently own my + obligations.” She spoke likewise greatly in approbation of the method, so + generally used by parents, of marrying children very young, and without + the least affection between the parties; and concluded by saying that, if + these fashions continued to spread, she doubted not but she should shortly + be the only disease who would ever receive a visit from any person of + considerable rank. + </p> + <p> + While we were discoursing her three daughters entered the room. They were + all called by hard names; the eldest was named Lepra, the second Chaeras, + and the third Scorbutia. <a href="#linknote-8" name="linknoteref-8" + id="linknoteref-8"><small>8</small></a> They were all genteel, but ugly. I + could not help observing the little respect they paid their parent, which + the old lady remarking in my countenance, as soon as they quitted the + room, which soon happened, acquainted me with her unhappiness in her + offspring, every one of which had the confidence to deny themselves to be + her children, though she said she had been a very indulgent mother and had + plentifully provided for them all. As family complaints generally as much + tire the hearer as they relieve him who makes them, when I found her + launching farther into this subject I resolved to put an end to my visit, + and, taking my leave with many thanks for the favor she had done me, I + returned to the inn, where I found my fellow-travelers just mounting into + their vehicle. I shook hands with my host and accompanied them into the + coach, which immediately after proceeded on its journey. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Discourses on the road, and a description of the palace of + Death. +</pre> + <p> + We were all silent for some minutes, till, being well shaken into our + several seats, I opened my mouth first, and related what had happened to + me after our separation in the city we had just left. + </p> + <p> + The rest of the company, except the grave female spirit whom our reader + may remember to have refused giving an account of the distemper which + occasioned her dissolution, did the same. It might be tedious to relate + these at large; we shall therefore only mention a very remarkable + inveteracy which the Surfeit declared to all the other diseases, + especially to the Fever, who, she said, by the roguery of the porters, + received acknowledgments from numberless passengers which were due to + herself. “Indeed,” says she, “those cane-headed fellows” (for so she + called them, alluding, I suppose, to their ticket) “are constantly making + such mistakes; there is no gratitude in those fellows; for I am sure they + have greater obligations to me than to any other disease, except the + Vapors.” These relations were no sooner over than one of the company + informed us we were approaching to the most noble building he had ever + beheld, and which we learned from our coachman was the palace of Death. + Its outside, indeed, appeared extremely magnificent. Its structure was of + the Gothic order; vast beyond imagination, the whole pile consisting of + black marble. Rows of immense yews form an amphitheater round it of such + height and thickness that no ray of the sun ever perforates this grove, + where black eternal darkness would reign was it not excluded by + innumerable lamps which are placed in pyramids round the grove; so that + the distant reflection they cast on the palace, which is plentifully gilt + with gold on the outside, is inconceivably solemn. To this I may add the + hollow murmur of winds constantly heard from the grove, and the very + remote sound of roaring waters. Indeed, every circumstance seems to + conspire to fill the mind with horror and consternation as we approach to + this palace, which we had scarce time to admire before our vehicle stopped + at the gate, and we were desired to alight in order to pay our respects to + his most mortal majesty (this being the title which it seems he assumes). + The outward court was full of soldiers, and, indeed, the whole very much + resembled the state of an earthly monarch, only more magnificent. We + passed through several courts into a vast hall, which led to a spacious + staircase, at the bottom of which stood two pages, with very grave + countenances, whom I recollected afterwards to have formerly been very + eminent undertakers, and were in reality the only dismal faces I saw here; + for this palace, so awful and tremendous without, is all gay and sprightly + within; so that we soon lost all those dismal and gloomy ideas we had + contracted in approaching it. Indeed, the still silence maintained among + the guards and attendants resembled rather the stately pomp of eastern + courts; but there was on every face such symptoms of content and happiness + that diffused an air of cheerfulness all round. We ascended the staircase + and passed through many noble apartments whose walls were adorned with + various battle-pieces in tapistry, and which we spent some time in + observing. These brought to my mind those beautiful ones I had in my + lifetime seen at Blenheim, nor could I prevent my curiosity from inquiring + where the Duke of Marlborough’s victories were placed (for I think they + were almost the only battles of any eminence I had read of which I did not + meet with); when the skeleton of a beef-eater, shaking his head, told me a + certain gentleman, one Lewis XIV, who had great interest with his most + mortal majesty, had prevented any such from being hung up there. + “Besides,” says he, “his majesty hath no great respect for that duke, for + he never sent him a subject he could keep from him, nor did he ever get a + single subject by his means but he lost 1000 others for him.” We found the + presence-chamber at our entrance very full, and a buzz ran through it, as + in all assemblies, before the principal figure enters; for his majesty was + not yet come out. At the bottom of the room were two persons in close + conference, one with a square black cap on his head, and the other with a + robe embroidered with flames of fire. These, I was informed, were a judge + long since dead, and an inquisitor-general. I overheard them disputing + with great eagerness whether the one had hanged or the other burned the + most. While I was listening to this dispute, which seemed to be in no + likelihood of a speedy decision, the emperor entered the room and placed + himself between two figures, one of which was remarkable for the + roughness, and the other for the beauty of his appearance. These were, it + seems, Charles XII of Sweden and Alexander of Macedon. I was at too great + a distance to hear any of the conversation, so could only satisfy my + curiosity by contemplating the several personages present, of whose names + I informed myself by a page, who looked as pale and meager as any + court-page in the other world, but was somewhat more modest. He showed me + here two or three Turkish emperors, to whom his most mortal majesty seemed + to express much civility. Here were likewise several of the Roman + emperors, among whom none seemed so much caressed as Caligula, on account, + as the page told me, of his pious wish that he could send all the Romans + hither at one blow. The reader may be perhaps surprised that I saw no + physicians here; as indeed I was myself, till informed that they were all + departed to the city of Diseases, where they were busy in an experiment to + purge away the immortality of the soul. + </p> + <p> + It would be tedious to recollect the many individuals I saw here, but I + cannot omit a fat figure, well dressed in the French fashion, who was + received with extraordinary complacence by the emperor, and whom I + imagined to be Lewis XIV himself; but the page acquainted me he was a + celebrated French cook. We were at length introduced to the royal + presence, and had the honor to kiss hands. His majesty asked us a few + questions, not very material to relate, and soon after retired. When we + returned into the yard we found our caravan ready to set out, at which we + all declared ourselves well pleased; for we were sufficiently tired with + the formality of a court, notwithstanding its outward splendor and + magnificence. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The travelers proceed on their journey, and meet several + spirits who are coming into the flesh. +</pre> + <p> + We now came to the banks of the great river Cocytus, where we quitted our + vehicle, and passed the water in a boat, after which we were obliged to + travel on foot the rest of our journey; and now we met, for the first + time, several passengers traveling to the world we had left, who informed + us they were souls going into the flesh. + </p> + <p> + The two first we met were walking arm-in-arm, in very close and friendly + conference; they informed us that one of them was intended for a duke, and + the other for a hackney-coachman. As we had not yet arrived at the place + where we were to deposit our passions, we were all surprised at the + familiarity which subsisted between persons of such different degrees; nor + could the grave lady help expressing her astonishment at it. The future + coachman then replied, with a laugh, that they had exchanged lots; for + that the duke had with his dukedom drawn a shrew for a wife, and the + coachman only a single state. + </p> + <p> + As we proceeded on our journey we met a solemn spirit walking alone with + great gravity in his countenance: our curiosity invited us, + notwithstanding his reserve, to ask what lot he had drawn. + </p> + <p> + He answered, with a smile, he was to have the reputation of a wise man + with L100,000 in his pocket, and was practicing the solemnity which he was + to act in the other world. A little farther we met a company of very merry + spirits, whom we imagined by their mirth to have drawn some mighty lot, + but, on inquiry, they informed us they were to be beggars. + </p> + <p> + The farther we advanced, the greater numbers we met; and now we discovered + two large roads leading different ways, and of very different appearance; + the one all craggy with rocks, full as it seemed of boggy grounds, and + everywhere beset with briars, so that it was impossible to pass through it + without the utmost danger and difficulty; the other, the most delightful + imaginable, leading through the most verdant meadows, painted and perfumed + with all kinds of beautiful flowers; in short, the most wanton imagination + could imagine nothing more lovely. Notwithstanding which, we were + surprised to see great numbers crowding into the former, and only one or + two solitary spirits choosing the latter. + </p> + <p> + On inquiry, we were acquainted that the bad road was the way to greatness, + and the other to goodness. When we expressed our surprise at the + preference given to the former we were acquainted that it was chosen for + the sake of the music of drums and trumpets, and the perpetual + acclamations of the mob, with which those who traveled this way were + constantly saluted. We were told likewise that there were several noble + palaces to be seen, and lodged in, on this road, by those who had passed + through the difficulties of it (which indeed many were not able to + surmount), and great quantities of all sorts of treasure to be found in + it; whereas the other had little inviting more than the beauty of the way, + scarce a handsome building, save one greatly resembling a certain house by + the Bath, to be seen during that whole journey; and, lastly, that it was + thought very scandalous and mean-spirited to travel through this, and as + highly honorable and noble to pass by the other. We now heard a violent + noise, when, casting our eyes forwards, we perceived a vast number of + spirits advancing in pursuit of one whom they mocked and insulted with all + kinds of scorn. I cannot give my reader a more adequate idea of this scene + than by comparing it to an English mob conducting a pickpocket to the + water; or by supposing that an incensed audience at a playhouse had + unhappily possessed themselves of the miserable damned poet. Some laughed, + some hissed, some squalled, some groaned, some bawled, some spit at him, + some threw dirt at him. It was impossible not to ask who or what the + wretched spirit was whom they treated in this barbarous manner; when, to + our great surprise, we were informed that it was a king: we were likewise + told that this manner of behavior was usual among the spirits to those who + drew the lots of emperors, kings, and other great men, not from envy or + anger, but mere derision and contempt of earthly grandeur; that nothing + was more common than for those who had drawn these great prizes (as to us + they seemed) to exchange them with tailors and cobblers; and that + Alexander the Great and Diogenes had formerly done so; he that was + afterwards Diogenes having originally fallen on the lot of Alexander. And + now, on a sudden, the mockery ceased, and the king-spirit, having obtained + a hearing, began to speak as follows; for we were now near enough to hear + him distinctly:— + </p> + <p> + “GENTLEMEN,—I am justly surprised at your treating me in this + manner, since whatever lot I have drawn, I did not choose: if, therefore, + it be worthy of derision, you should compassionate me, for it might have + fallen to any of your shares. I know in how low a light the station to + which fate hath assigned me is considered here, and that, when ambition + doth not support it, it becomes generally so intolerable, that there is + scarce any other condition for which it is not gladly exchanged: for what + portion, in the world to which we are going, is so miserable as that of + care? Should I therefore consider myself as become by this lot essentially + your superior, and of a higher order of being than the rest of my + fellow-creatures; should I foolishly imagine myself without wisdom + superior to the wise, without knowledge to the learned, without courage to + the brave, and without goodness and virtue to the good and virtuous; + surely so preposterous, so absurd a pride, would justly render me the + object of ridicule. But far be it from me to entertain it. And yet, + gentlemen, I prize the lot I have drawn, nor would I exchange it with any + of yours, seeing it is in my eye so much greater than the rest. Ambition, + which I own myself possessed of, teaches me this; ambition, which makes me + covet praise, assures me that I shall enjoy a much larger proportion of it + than can fall within your power either to deserve or obtain. I am then + superior to you all, when I am able to do more good, and when I execute + that power. What the father is to the son, the guardian to the orphan, or + the patron to his client, that am I to you. You are my children, to whom I + will be a father, a guardian, and a patron. Not one evening in my long + reign (for so it is to be) will I repose myself to rest without the + glorious, the heart-warming consideration, that thousands that night owe + their sweetest rest to me. What a delicious fortune is it to him whose + strongest appetite is doing good, to have every day the opportunity and + the power of satisfying it! If such a man hath ambition, how happy is it + for him to be seated so on high, that every act blazes abroad, and + attracts to him praises tainted with neither sarcasm nor adulation, but + such as the nicest and most delicate mind may relish! Thus, therefore, + while you derive your good from me, I am your superior. If to my strict + distribution of justice you owe the safety of your property from domestic + enemies; if by my vigilance and valor you are protected from foreign foes; + if by my encouragement of genuine industry, every science, every art which + can embellish or sweeten life, is produced and flourishes among you; will + any of you be so insensible or ungrateful as to deny praise and respect to + him by whose care and conduct you enjoy these blessings? I wonder not at + the censure which so frequently falls on those in my station; but I wonder + that those in my station so frequently deserve it. What strange + perverseness of nature! What wanton delight in mischief must taint his + composition, who prefers dangers, difficulty, and disgrace, by doing evil, + to safety, ease, and honor, by doing good! who refuses happiness in the + other world, and heaven in this, for misery there and hell here! But, be + assured, my intentions are different. I shall always endeavor the ease, + the happiness, and the glory of my people, being confident that, by so + doing, I take the most certain method of procuring them all to myself.”—He + then struck directly into the road of goodness, and received such a shout + of applause as I never remember to have heard equaled. He was gone a + little way when a spirit limped after him, swearing he would fetch him + back. + </p> + <p> + This spirit, I was presently informed, was one who had drawn the lot of + his prime minister. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + An account of the wheel of fortune, with a method of + preparing a spirit for this world. +</pre> + <p> + We now proceeded on our journey, without staying to see whether he + fulfilled his word or no; and without encountering anything worth + mentioning, came to the place where the spirits on their passage to the + other world were obliged to decide by lot the station in which every one + was to act there. Here was a monstrous wheel, infinitely larger than those + in which I had formerly seen lottery-tickets deposited. This was called + the WHEEL OF FORTUNE. + </p> + <p> + The goddess herself was present. She was one of the most deformed females + I ever beheld; nor could I help observing the frowns she expressed when + any beautiful spirit of her own sex passed by her, nor the affability + which smiled in her countenance on the approach of any handsome male + spirits. Hence I accounted for the truth of an observation I had often + made on earth, that nothing is more fortunate than handsome men, nor more + unfortunate than handsome women. The reader may be perhaps pleased with an + account of the whole method of equipping a spirit for his entrance into + the flesh. + </p> + <p> + First, then, he receives from a very sage person, whose look much + resembled that of an apothecary (his warehouse likewise bearing an + affinity to an apothecary’s shop), a small phial inscribed, THE PATHETIC + POTION, to be taken just before you are born. This potion is a mixture of + all the passions, but in no exact proportion, so that sometimes one + predominates, and sometimes another; nay, often in the hurry of making up, + one particular ingredient is, as we were informed, left out. The spirit + receiveth at the same time another medicine called the NOUSPHORIC + DECOCTION, of which he is to drink ad libitum. This decoction is an + extract from the faculties of the mind, sometimes extremely strong and + spirituous, and sometimes altogether as weak; for very little care is + taken in the preparation. This decoction is so extremely bitter and + unpleasant, that, notwithstanding its wholesomeness, several spirits will + not be persuaded to swallow a drop of it, but throw it away, or give it to + any other who will receive it; by which means some who were not disgusted + by the nauseousness drank double and treble portions. I observed a + beautiful young female, who, tasting it immediately from curiosity, + screwed up her face and cast it from her with great disdain, whence + advancing presently to the wheel, she drew a coronet, which she clapped up + so eagerly that I could not distinguish the degree; and indeed I observed + several of the same sex, after a very small sip, throw the bottles away. + As soon as the spirit is dismissed by the operator, or apothecary, he is + at liberty to approach the wheel, where he hath a right to extract a + single lot: but those whom Fortune favors she permits sometimes secretly + to draw three or four. I observed a comical kind of figure who drew forth + a handful, which, when he opened, were a bishop, a general, a + privy-counselor, a player, and a poet-laureate, and, returning the three + first, he walked off, smiling, with the two last. Every single lot + contained two more articles, which were generally disposed so as to render + the lots as equal as possible to each other; on one was written, EARL, + RICHES, HEALTH, DISQUIETUDE; on another, COBLER, SICKNESS, GOOD-HUMOR; on + a third, POET, CONTEMPT, SELF-SATISFACTION; on a fourth, GENERAL, HONOR, + DISCONTENT; on a fifth, COTTAGE, HAPPY LOVE; on a sixth, COACH AND SIX, + IMPOTENT JEALOUS HUSBAND; on a seventh, PRIME MINISTER, DISGRACE; on an + eighth, PATRIOT, GLORY; on a ninth, PHILOSOPHER, POVERTY, EASE; on a + tenth, MERCHANT, RICHES, CARE. And indeed the whole seemed to contain such + a mixture of good and evil, that it would have puzzled me which to choose. + I must not omit here that in every lot was directed whether the drawer + should marry or remain in celibacy, the married lots being all marked with + a large pair of horns. We were obliged, before we quitted this place, to + take each of us an emetic from the apothecary, which immediately purged us + of all our earthly passions, and presently the cloud forsook our eyes, as + it doth those of Aeneas in Virgil, when removed by Venus; and we discerned + things in a much clearer light than before. We began to compassionate + those spirits who were making their entry into the flesh, whom we had till + then secretly envied, and to long eagerly for those delightful plains + which now opened themselves to our eyes, and to which we now hastened with + the utmost eagerness. On our way we met with several spirits with very + dejected countenances; but our expedition would not suffer us to ask any + questions. At length we arrived at the gate of Elysium. Here was a + prodigious crowd of spirits waiting for admittance, some of whom were + admitted, and some were rejected; for all were strictly examined by the + porter, whom I soon discovered to be the celebrated judge Minos. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The proceedings of judge Minos at the gate of Elysium. +</pre> + <p> + I now got near enough to the gate to hear the several claims of those who + endeavored to pass. The first among other pretensions, set forth that he + had been very liberal to an hospital; but Minos answered, “Ostentation,” + and repulsed him. The second exhibited that he had constantly frequented + his church, been a rigid observer of fast-days: he likewise represented + the great animosity he had shown to vice in others, which never escaped + his severest censure; and as to his own behavior, he had never been once + guilty of whoring, drinking, gluttony, or any other excess. He said he had + disinherited his son for getting a bastard. “Have you so?” said Minos; + “then pray return into the other world and beget another; for such an + unnatural rascal shall never pass this gate.” A dozen others, who had + advanced with very confident countenances, seeing him rejected, turned + about of their own accord, declaring, if he could not pass, they had no + expectation, and accordingly they followed him back to earth; which was + the fate of all who were repulsed, they being obliged to take a further + purification, unless those who were guilty of some very heinous crimes, + who were hustled in at a little back gate, whence they tumbled immediately + into the bottomless pit. + </p> + <p> + The next spirit that came up declared he had done neither good nor evil in + the world; for that since his arrival at man’s estate he had spent his + whole time in search of curiosities; and particularly in the study of + butterflies, of which he had collected an immense number. Minos made him + no answer, but with great scorn pushed him back. There now advanced a very + beautiful spirit indeed. She began to ogle Minos the moment she saw him. + She said she hoped there was some merit in refusing a great number of + lovers, and dying a maid, though she had had the choice of a hundred. + Minos told her she had not refused enow yet, and turned her back. + </p> + <p> + She was succeeded by a spirit who told the judge he believed his works + would speak for him. “What works?” answered Minos. “My dramatic works,” + replied the other, “which have done so much good in recommending virtue + and punishing vice.” “Very well,” said the judge; “if you please to stand + by, the first person who passes the gate by your means shall carry you in + with him; but, if you will take my advice, I think, for expedition sake, + you had better return, and live another life upon earth.” The bard + grumbled at this, and replied that, besides his poetical works, he had + done some other good things: for that he had once lent the whole profits + of a benefit-night to a friend, and by that means had saved him and his + family from destruction. Upon this the gate flew open, and Minos desired + him to walk in, telling him, if he had mentioned this at first, he might + have spared the remembrance of his plays. The poet answered, he believed, + if Minos had read his works, he would set a higher value on them. He was + then beginning to repeat, but Minos pushed him forward, and, turning his + back to him, applied himself to the next passenger, a very genteel spirit, + who made a very low bow to Minos, and then threw himself into an erect + attitude, and imitated the motion of taking snuff with his right hand. + Minos asked him what he had to say for himself. He answered, he would + dance a minuet with any spirit in Elysium: that he could likewise perform + all his other exercises very well, and hoped he had in his life deserved + the character of a perfect fine gentleman. Minos replied it would be great + pity to rob the world of so fine a gentleman, and therefore desired him to + take the other trip. The beau bowed, thanked the judge, and said he + desired no better. + </p> + <p> + Several spirits expressed much astonishment at this his satisfaction; but + we were afterwards informed he had not taken the emetic above mentioned. + </p> + <p> + A miserable old spirit now crawled forwards, whose face I thought I had + formerly seen near Westminster Abbey. He entertained Minos with a long + harangue of what he had done when in the HOUSE; and then proceeded to + inform him how much he was worth, without attempting to produce a single + instance of any one good action. Minos stopped the career of his + discourse, and acquainted him he must take a trip back again. + </p> + <p> + “What! to S—— house?” said the spirit in an ecstasy; but the + judge, without making him any answer, turned to another, who with a very + solemn air and great dignity, acquainted him he was a duke. “To the + right-about, Mr. Duke,” cried Minos, “you are infinitely too great a man + for Elysium;” and then, giving him a kick on the b—ch, he addressed + himself to a spirit who, with fear and trembling, begged he might not go + to the bottomless pit: he said he hoped Minos would consider that, though + he had gone astray, he had suffered for it—that it was necessity + which drove him to the robbery of eighteenpence, which he had committed, + and for which he was hanged—that he had done some good actions in + his life—that he had supported an aged parent with his labor—that + he had been a very tender husband and a kind father—and that he had + ruined himself by being bail for his friend. At which words the gate + opened, and Minos bade him enter, giving him a slap on the back as he + passed by him. A great number of spirits now came forwards, who all + declared they had the same claim, and that the captain should speak for + them. He acquainted the judge that they had been all slain in the service + of their country. Minos was going to admit them, but had the curiosity to + ask who had been the invader, in order, as he said, to prepare the back + gate for him. The captain answered they had been the invaders themselves—that + they had entered the enemy’s country, and burned and plundered several + cities. “And for what reason?” said Minos. “By the command of him who paid + us,” said the captain; “that is the reason of a soldier. We are to execute + whatever we are commanded, or we should be a disgrace to the army, and + very little deserve our pay.” “You are brave fellows indeed,” said Minos; + “but be pleased to face about, and obey my command for once, in returning + back to the other world: for what should such fellows as you do where + there are no cities to be burned, nor people to be destroyed? But let me + advise you to have a stricter regard to truth for the future, and not call + the depopulating other countries the service of your own.” The captain + answered, in a rage, “D—n me! do you give me the lie?” and was going + to take Minos by the nose had not his guards prevented him, and + immediately turned him and all his followers back the same road they came. + </p> + <p> + Four spirits informed the judge that they had been starved to death + through poverty—being the father, mother, and two children; that + they had been honest and as industrious as possible, till sickness had + prevented the man from labor. “All that is very true,” cried a grave + spirit who stood by. “I know the fact; for these poor people were under my + cure.” “You was, I suppose, the parson of the parish,” cries Minos; “I + hope you had a good living, sir.” “That was but a small one,” replied the + spirit; “but I had another a little better.”—“Very well,” said + Minos; “let the poor people pass.” At which the parson was stepping + forwards with a stately gait before them; but Minos caught hold of him and + pulled him back, saying, “Not so fast, doctor—you must take one step + more into the other world first; for no man enters that gate without + charity.” A very stately figure now presented himself, and, informing + Minos he was a patriot, began a very florid harangue on public virtue and + the liberties of his country. Upon which Minos showed him the utmost + respect, and ordered the gate to be opened. The patriot was not contented + with this applause; he said he had behaved as well in place as he had done + in the opposition; and that, though he was now obliged to embrace the + court measures, yet he had behaved very honestly to his friends, and + brought as many in as was possible. “Hold a moment,” says Minos: “on + second consideration, Mr. Patriot, I think a man of your great virtue and + abilities will be so much missed by your country, that, if I might advise + you, you should take a journey back again. I am sure you will not decline + it; for I am certain you will, with great readiness, sacrifice your own + happiness to the public good.” The patriot smiled, and told Minos he + believed he was in jest; and was offering to enter the gate, but the judge + laid fast hold of him and insisted on his return, which the patriot still + declining, he at last ordered his guards to seize him and conduct him + back. + </p> + <p> + A spirit now advanced, and the gate was immediately thrown open to him + before he had spoken a word. I heard some whisper, “That is our last lord + mayor.” + </p> + <p> + It now came to our company’s turn. The fair spirit which I mentioned with + so much applause in the beginning of my journey passed through very + easily; but the grave lady was rejected on her first appearance, Minos + declaring there was not a single prude in Elysium. + </p> + <p> + The judge then addressed himself to me, who little expected to pass this + fiery trial. I confessed I had indulged myself very freely with wine and + women in my youth, but had never done an injury to any man living, nor + avoided an opportunity of doing good; that I pretended to very little + virtue more than general philanthropy and private friendship. I was + proceeding, when Minos bade me enter the gate, and not indulge myself with + trumpeting forth my virtues. I accordingly passed forward with my lovely + companion, and, embracing her with vast eagerness, but spiritual + innocence, she returned my embrace in the same manner, and we both + congratulated ourselves on our arrival in this happy region, whose beauty + no painting of the imagination can describe. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VIII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The adventures which the author met on his first entrance + into Elysium. +</pre> + <p> + We pursued our way through a delicious grove of orange-trees, where I saw + infinite numbers of spirits, every one of whom I knew, and was known by + them (for spirits here know one another by intuition). I presently met a + little daughter whom I had lost several years before. Good gods! what + words can describe the raptures, the melting passionate tenderness, with + which we kissed each other, continuing in our embrace, with the most + ecstatic joy, a space which, if time had been measured here as on earth, + could not be less than half a year. + </p> + <p> + The first spirit with whom I entered into discourse was the famous + Leonidas of Sparta. I acquainted him with the honors which had been done + him by a celebrated poet of our nation; to which he answered he was very + much obliged to him. We were presently afterwards entertained with the + most delicious voice I had ever heard, accompanied by a violin, equal to + Signior Piantinida. I presently discovered the musician and songster to be + Orpheus and Sappho. + </p> + <p> + Old Homer was present at this concert (if I may so call it), and Madam + Dacier sat in his lap. He asked much after Mr. Pope, and said he was very + desirous of seeing him; for that he had read his Iliad in his translation + with almost as much delight as he believed he had given others in the + original. I had the curiosity to inquire whether he had really writ that + poem in detached pieces, and sung it about as ballads all over Greece, + according to the report which went of him. He smiled at my question, and + asked me whether there appeared any connection in the poem; for if there + did he thought I might answer myself. I then importuned him to acquaint me + in which of the cities which contended for the honor of his birth he was + really born? To which he answered, “Upon my soul I can’t tell.” + </p> + <p> + Virgil then came up to me, with Mr. Addison under his arm. “Well, sir,” + said he, “how many translations have these few last years produced of my + Aeneid?” I told him I believed several, but I could not possibly remember; + for that I had never read any but Dr. Trapp’s. “Ay,” said he, “that is a + curious piece indeed!” I then acquainted him with the discovery made by + Mr. Warburton of the Elusinian mysteries couched in his sixth book. “What + mysteries?” said Mr. Addison. “The Elusinian,” answered Virgil, “which I + have disclosed in my sixth book.” “How!” replied Addison. “You never + mentioned a word of any such mysteries to me in all our acquaintance.” “I + thought it was unnecessary,” cried the other, “to a man of your infinite + learning: besides, you always told me you perfectly understood my + meaning.” Upon this I thought the critic looked a little out of + countenance, and turned aside to a very merry spirit, one Dick Steele, who + embraced him, and told him he had been the greatest man upon earth; that + he readily resigned up all the merit of his own works to him. Upon which + Addison gave him a gracious smile, and, clapping him on the back with much + solemnity, cried out, “Well said, Dick!” + </p> + <p> + I then observed Shakespeare standing between Betterton and Booth, and + deciding a difference between those two great actors concerning the + placing an accent in one of his lines: this was disputed on both sides + with a warmth which surprised me in Elysium, till I discovered by + intuition that every soul retained its principal characteristic, being, + indeed, its very essence. The line was that celebrated one in Othello— + </p> + <p> + PUT OUT THE LIGHT, AND THEN PUT OUT THE LIGHT. according to Betterton. Mr. + Booth contended to have it thus:— + </p> + <p> + Put out the light, and then put out THE light. I could not help offering + my conjecture on this occasion, and suggested it might perhaps be— + </p> + <p> + Put out the light, and then put out THY light. Another hinted a reading + very sophisticated in my opinion— + </p> + <p> + Put out the light, and then put out THEE, light, making light to be the + vocative case. Another would have altered the last word, and read— + </p> + <p> + PUT OUT THY LIGHT, AND THEN PUT OUT THY SIGHT. But Betterton said, if the + text was to be disturbed, he saw no reason why a word might not be changed + as well as a letter, and, instead of “put out thy light,” you may read + “put out thy eyes.” At last it was agreed on all sides to refer the matter + to the decision of Shakespeare himself, who delivered his sentiments as + follows: “Faith, gentlemen, it is so long since I wrote the line, I have + forgot my meaning. This I know, could I have dreamed so much nonsense + would have been talked and writ about it, I would have blotted it out of + my works; for I am sure, if any of these be my meaning, it doth me very + little honor.” + </p> + <p> + He was then interrogated concerning some other ambiguous passages in his + works; but he declined any satisfactory answer; saying, if Mr. Theobald + had not writ about it sufficiently, there were three or four more new + editions of his plays coming out, which he hoped would satisfy every one: + concluding, “I marvel nothing so much as that men will gird themselves at + discovering obscure beauties in an author. Certes the greatest and most + pregnant beauties are ever the plainest and most evidently striking; and + when two meanings of a passage can in the least balance our judgments + which to prefer, I hold it matter of unquestionable certainty that neither + of them is worth a farthing.” From his works our conversation turned on + his monument; upon which, Shakespeare, shaking his sides, and addressing + himself to Milton, cried out, “On my word, brother Milton, they have + brought a noble set of poets together; they would have been hanged erst + have [ere they had] convened such a company at their tables when alive.” + “True, brother,” answered Milton, “unless we had been as incapable of + eating then as we are now.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IX + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + More adventures in Elysium. +</pre> + <p> + A crowd of spirits now joined us, whom I soon perceived to be the heroes, + who here frequently pay their respects to the several bards the recorders + of their actions. I now saw Achilles and Ulysses addressing themselves to + Homer, and Aeneas and Julius Caesar to Virgil: Adam went up to Milton, + upon which I whispered Mr. Dryden that I thought the devil should have + paid his compliments there, according to his opinion. Dryden only + answered, “I believe the devil was in me when I said so.” Several applied + themselves to Shakespeare, amongst whom Henry V made a very distinguishing + appearance. While my eyes were fixed on that monarch a very small spirit + came up to me, shook me heartily by the hand, and told me his name was + THOMAS THUMB. I expressed great satisfaction in seeing him, nor could I + help speaking my resentment against the historian, who had done such + injustice to the stature of this great little man, which he represented to + be no bigger than a span, whereas I plainly perceived at first sight he + was full a foot and a half (and the 37th part of an inch more, as he + himself informed me), being indeed little shorter than some considerable + beaux of the present age. I asked this little hero concerning the truth of + those stories related of him, viz., of the pudding, and the cow’s belly. + As to the former, he said it was a ridiculous legend, worthy to be laughed + at; but as to the latter, he could not help owning there was some truth in + it: nor had he any reason to be ashamed of it, as he was swallowed by + surprise; adding, with great fierceness, that if he had had any weapon in + his hand the cow should have as soon swallowed the devil. + </p> + <p> + He spoke the last word with so much fury, and seemed so confounded, that, + perceiving the effect it had on him, I immediately waived the story, and, + passing to other matters, we had much conversation touching giants. He + said, so far from killing any, he had never seen one alive; that he + believed those actions were by mistake recorded of him, instead of Jack + the giant-killer, whom he knew very well, and who had, he fancied, + extirpated the race. I assured him to the contrary, and told him I had + myself seen a huge tame giant, who very complacently stayed in London a + whole winter, at the special request of several gentlemen and ladies; + though the affairs of his family called him home to Sweden. + </p> + <p> + I now beheld a stern-looking spirit leaning on the shoulder of another + spirit, and presently discerned the former to be Oliver Cromwell, and the + latter Charles Martel. I own I was a little surprised at seeing Cromwell + here, for I had been taught by my grandmother that he was carried away by + the devil himself in a tempest; but he assured me, on his honor, there was + not the least truth in that story. However, he confessed he had narrowly + escaped the bottomless pit; and, if the former part of his conduct had not + been more to his honor than the latter, he had been certainly soused into + it. He was, nevertheless, sent back to the upper world with this lot:—ARMY, + CAVALIER, DISTRESS. + </p> + <p> + He was born, for the second time, the day of Charles II’s restoration, + into a family which had lost a very considerable fortune in the service of + that prince and his father, for which they received the reward very often + conferred by princes on real merit, viz.—000. At 16 his father + bought a small commission for him in the army, in which he served without + any promotion all the reigns of Charles II and of his brother. At the + Revolution he quitted his regiment, and followed the fortunes of his + former master, and was in his service dangerously wounded at the famous + battle of the Boyne, where he fought in the capacity of a private soldier. + He recovered of this wound, and retired after the unfortunate king to + Paris, where he was reduced to support a wife and seven children (for his + lot had horns in it) by cleaning shoes and snuffing candles at the opera. + In which situation, after he had spent a few miserable years, he died + half-starved and broken-hearted. He then revisited Minos, who, + compassionating his sufferings by means of that family, to whom he had + been in his former capacity so bitter an enemy, suffered him to enter + here. + </p> + <p> + My curiosity would not refrain asking him one question, i. e., whether in + reality he had any desire to obtain the crown? He smiled, and said, “No + more than an ecclesiastic hath to the miter, when he cries Nolo + episcopari.” Indeed, he seemed to express some contempt at the question, + and presently turned away. + </p> + <p> + A venerable spirit appeared next, whom I found to be the great historian + Livy. Alexander the Great, who was just arrived from the palace of death, + passed by him with a frown. The historian, observing it, said, “Ay, you + may frown; but those troops which conquered the base Asiatic slaves would + have made no figure against the Romans.” We then privately lamented the + loss of the most valuable part of his history; after which he took + occasion to commend the judicious collection made by Mr. Hook, which, he + said, was infinitely preferable to all others; and at my mentioning + Echard’s he gave a bounce, not unlike the going off of a squib, and was + departing from me, when I begged him to satisfy my curiosity in one point—whether + he was really superstitious or no? For I had always believed he was till + Mr. Leibnitz had assured me to the contrary. He answered sullenly, “Doth + Mr. Leibnitz know my mind better than myself?” and then walked away. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER X + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The author is surprised at meeting Julian the apostate in + Elysium; but is satisfied by him by what means he procured + his entrance there. Julian relates his adventures in the + character of a slave. +</pre> + <p> + As he was departing I heard him salute a spirit by the name of Mr. Julian + the apostate. This exceedingly amazed me; for I had concluded that no man + ever had a better title to the bottomless pit than he. But I soon found + that this same Julian the apostate was also the very individual archbishop + Latimer. He told me that several lies had been raised on him in his former + capacity, nor was he so bad a man as he had been represented. However, he + had been denied admittance, and forced to undergo several subsequent + pilgrimages on earth, and to act in the different characters of a slave, a + Jew, a general, an heir, a carpenter, a beau, a monk, a fiddler, a wise + man, a king, a fool, a beggar, a prince, a statesman, a soldier, a tailor, + an alderman, a poet, a knight, a dancing-master, and three times a bishop, + before his martyrdom, which, together with his other behavior in this last + character, satisfied the judge, and procured him a passage to the blessed + regions. + </p> + <p> + I told him such various characters must have produced incidents extremely + entertaining; and if he remembered all, as I supposed he did, and had + leisure, I should be obliged to him for the recital. He answered he + perfectly recollected every circumstance; and as to leisure, the only + business of that happy place was to contribute to the happiness of each + other. He therefore thanked me for adding to his, in proposing to him a + method of increasing mine. I then took my little darling in one hand, and + my favorite fellow-traveler in the other, and, going with him to a sunny + bank of flowers, we all sat down, and he began as follows:—“I + suppose you are sufficiently acquainted with my story during the time I + acted the part of the emperor Julian, though I assure you all which hath + been related of me is not true, particularly with regard to the many + prodigies forerunning my death. However, they are now very little worth + disputing; and if they can serve any purpose of the historian they are + extremely at his service. My next entrance into the world was at Laodicea, + in Syria, in a Roman family of no great note; and, being of a roving + disposition, I came at the age of seventeen to Constantinople, where, + after about a year’s stay, I set out for Thrace, at the time when the + emperor Valens admitted the Goths into that country. I was there so + captivated with the beauty of a Gothic lady, the wife of one Rodoric, a + captain, whose name, out of the most delicate tenderness for her lovely + sex, I shall even at this distance conceal; since her behavior to me was + more consistent with good-nature than with that virtue which women are + obliged to preserve against every assailant. In order to procure an + intimacy with this woman I sold myself a slave to her husband, who, being + of a nation not over-inclined to jealousy, presented me to his wife, for + those very reasons which would have induced one of a jealous complexion to + have withheld me from her, namely, for that I was young and handsome. + </p> + <p> + “Matters succeeded so far according to my wish, and the sequel answered + those hopes which this beginning had raised. I soon perceived my service + was very acceptable to her; I often met her eyes, nor did she withdraw + them without a confusion which is scarce consistent with entire purity of + heart. Indeed, she gave me every day fresh encouragement; but the unhappy + distance which circumstances had placed between us deterred me long from + making any direct attack; and she was too strict an observer of decorum to + violate the severe rules of modesty by advancing first; but passion at + last got the better of my respect, and I resolved to make one bold + attempt, whatever was the consequence. Accordingly, laying hold of the + first kind opportunity, when she was alone and my master abroad, I stoutly + assailed the citadel and carried it by storm. Well may I say by storm; for + the resistance I met was extremely resolute, and indeed as much as the + most perfect decency would require. She swore often she would cry out for + help; but I answered it was in vain, seeing there was no person near to + assist her; and probably she believed me, for she did not once actually + cry out, which if she had, I might very likely have been prevented. + </p> + <p> + “When she found her virtue thus subdued against her will she patiently + submitted to her fate, and quietly suffered me a long time to enjoy the + most delicious fruits of my victory; but envious fortune resolved to make + me pay a dear price for my pleasure. One day in the midst of our happiness + we were suddenly surprised by the unexpected return of her husband, who, + coming directly into his wife’s apartment, just allowed me time to creep + under the bed. The disorder in which he found his wife might have + surprised a jealous temper; but his was so far otherwise, that possibly no + mischief might have happened had he not by a cross accident discovered my + legs, which were not well hid. He immediately drew me out by them, and + then, turning to his wife with a stern countenance, began to handle a + weapon he wore by his side, with which I am persuaded he would have + instantly dispatched her, had I not very gallantly, and with many + imprecations, asserted her innocence and my own guilt; which, however, I + protested had hitherto gone no farther than design. She so well seconded + my plea (for she was a woman of wonderful art), that he was at length + imposed upon; and now all his rage was directed against me, threatening + all manner of tortures, which the poor lady was in too great a fright and + confusion to dissuade him from executing; and perhaps, if her concern for + me had made her attempt it, it would have raised a jealousy in him not + afterwards to be removed. + </p> + <p> + “After some hesitation Roderic cried out he had luckily hit on the most + proper punishment for me in the world, by a method which would at once do + severe justice on me for my criminal intention, and at the same time + prevent me from any danger of executing my wicked purpose hereafter. This + cruel resolution was immediately executed, and I was no longer worthy the + name of a man. + </p> + <p> + “Having thus disqualified me from doing him any future injury, he still + retained me in his family; but the lady, very probably repenting of what + she had done, and looking on me as the author of her guilt, would never + for the future give me either a kind word or look: and shortly after, a + great exchange being made between the Romans and the Goths of dogs for + men, my lady exchanged me with a Roman widow for a small lap-dog, giving a + considerable sum of money to boot. + </p> + <p> + “In this widow’s service I remained seven years, during all which time I + was very barbarously treated. I was worked without the least mercy, and + often severely beat by a swinging maid-servant, who never called me by any + other names than those of the Thing and the Animal. Though I used my + utmost industry to please, it never was in my power. Neither the lady nor + her woman would eat anything I touched, saying they did not believe me + wholesome. It is unnecessary to repeat particulars; in a word, you can + imagine no kind of ill usage which I did not suffer in this family. + </p> + <p> + “At last an heathen priest, an acquaintance of my lady’s, obtained me of + her for a present. The scene was now totally changed, and I had as much + reason to be satisfied with my present situation as I had to lament my + former. I was so absolutely my master’s favorite, that the rest of the + slaves paid me almost as much regard as they showed to him, well knowing + that it was entirely in my power to command and treat them as I pleased. I + was intrusted with all my master’s secrets, and used to assist him in + privately conveying away by night the sacrifices from the altars, which + the people believed the deities themselves devoured. Upon these we feasted + very elegantly, nor could invention suggest a rarity which we did not + pamper ourselves with. Perhaps you may admire at the close union between + this priest and his slave, but we lived in an intimacy which the + Christians thought criminal; but my master, who knew the will of the gods, + with whom he told me he often conversed, assured me it was perfectly + innocent. + </p> + <p> + “This happy life continued about four years, when my master’s death, + occasioned by a surfeit got by overfeeding on several exquisite dainties, + put an end to it. + </p> + <p> + “I now fell into the hands of one of a very different disposition, and + this was no other than the celebrated St. Chrysostom, who dieted me with + sermons instead of sacrifices, and filled my ears with good things, but + not my belly. Instead of high food to fatten and pamper my flesh, I had + receipts to mortify and reduce it. With these I edified so well, that + within a few months I became a skeleton. However, as he had converted me + to his faith, I was well enough satisfied with this new manner of living, + by which he taught me I might insure myself an eternal reward in a future + state. The saint was a good-natured man, and never gave me an ill word but + once, which was occasioned by my neglecting to place Aristophanes, which + was his constant bedfellow, on his pillow. He was, indeed, extremely fond + of that Greek poet, and frequently made me read his comedies to him. When + I came to any of the loose passages he would smile, and say, ‘It was pity + his matter was not as pure as his style;’ of which latter he was so + immoderately fond that, notwithstanding the detestation he expressed for + obscenity, he hath made me repeat those passages ten times over. The + character of this good man hath been very unjustly attacked by his heathen + contemporaries, particularly with regard to women; but his severe + invectives against that sex are his sufficient justification. + </p> + <p> + “From the service of this saint, from whom I received manumission, I + entered into the family of Timasius, a leader of great eminence in the + imperial army, into whose favor I so far insinuated myself that he + preferred me to a good command, and soon made me partaker of both his + company and his secrets. I soon grew intoxicated with this preferment, and + the more he loaded me with benefits the more he raised my opinion of my + own merit, which, still outstripping the rewards he conferred on me, + inspired me rather with dissatisfaction than gratitude. And thus, by + preferring me beyond my merit or first expectation, he made me an envious + aspiring enemy, whom perhaps a more moderate bounty would have preserved a + dutiful servant. + </p> + <p> + “I fell now acquainted with one Lucilius, a creature of the prime minister + Eutropius, who had by his favor been raised to the post of a tribune; a + man of low morals, and eminent only in that meanest of qualities, cunning. + This gentleman, imagining me a fit tool for the minister’s purpose, having + often sounded my principles of honor and honesty, both which he declared + to me were words without meaning, and finding my ready concurrence in his + sentiments, recommended me to Eutropius as very proper to execute some + wicked purposes he had contrived against my frend Timasius. The minister + embraced this recommendation, and I was accordingly acquainted by Lucilius + (after some previous accounts of the great esteem Eutropius entertained of + me, from the testimony he had borne of my parts) that he would introduce + me to him; adding that he was a great encourager of merit, and that I + might depend upon his favor. + </p> + <p> + “I was with little difficulty prevailed on to accept of this invitation. A + late hour therefore the next evening being appointed, I attended my friend + Lucilius to the minister’s house. + </p> + <p> + “He received me with the utmost civility and cheerfulness, and affected so + much regard to me, that I, who knew nothing of these high scenes of life, + concluded I had in him a most disinterested friend, owing to the favorable + report which Lucilius had made of me. I was however soon cured of this + opinion; for immediately after supper our discourse turned on the + injustice which the generality of the world were guilty of in their + conduct to great men, expecting that they should reward their private + merit, without ever endeavoring to apply it to their use. ‘What avail,’ + said Eutropius, ‘the learning, wit, courage, or any virtue which a man may + be possessed of, to me, unless I receive some benefit from them? Hath he + not more merit to me who doth my business and obeys my commands, without + any of these qualities?’ I gave such entire satisfaction in my answers on + this head, that both the minister and his creature grew bolder, and after + some preface began to accuse Timasius. At last, finding I did not attempt + to defend him, Lucilius swore a great oath that he was not fit to live, + and that he would destroy him. Eutropius answered that it would be too + dangerous a task: ‘Indeed,’ says he, ‘his crimes are of so black a dye, + and so well known to the emperor, that his death must be a very acceptable + service, and could not fail meeting a proper reward: but I question + whether you are capable of executing it.’ ‘If he is not,’ cried I, ‘I am; + and surely no man can have greater motives to destroy him than myself: + for, besides his disloyalty to my prince, for whom I have so perfect a + duty, I have private disobligations to him. I have had fellows put over my + head, to the great scandal of the service in general, and to my own + prejudice and disappointment in particular.’ I will not repeat you my + whole speech; but, to be as concise as possible, when we parted that + evening the minister squeezed me heartily by the hand, and with great + commendation of my honesty and assurances of his favor, he appointed me + the next evening to come to him alone; when, finding me, after a little + more scrutiny, ready for his purpose, he proposed to me to accuse Timasius + of high treason, promising me the highest rewards if I would undertake it. + The consequence to him, I suppose you know, was ruin; but what was it to + me? Why, truly, when I waited on Eutropius for the fulfilling his + promises, received me with great distance and coldness; and, on my + dropping some hints of my expectations from him, he affected not to + understand me; saying he thought impunity was the utmost I could hope for + on discovering my accomplice, whose offense was only greater than mine, as + he was in a higher station; and telling me he had great difficulty to + obtain a pardon for me from the emperor, which he said, he had struggled + very hardly for, as he had worked the discovery out of me. He turned away, + and addressed himself to another person. + </p> + <p> + “I was so incensed at this treatment, that I resolved revenge, and should + certainly have pursued it, had he not cautiously prevented me by taking + effectual means to despatch me soon after out of the world. + </p> + <p> + “You will, I believe, now think I had a second good chance for the + bottomless pit, and indeed Minos seemed inclined to tumble me in, till he + was informed of the revenge taken on me by Roderic, and my seven years’ + subsequent servitude to the widow; which he thought sufficient to make + atonement for all the crimes a single life could admit of, and so sent me + back to try my fortune a third time.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XI + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + In which Julian relates his adventures in the character of + an avaricious Jew. +</pre> + <p> + “The next character in which I was destined to appear in the flesh was + that of an avaricious Jew. I was born in Alexandria in Egypt. My name was + Balthazar. Nothing very remarkable happened to me till the year of the + memorable tumult in which the Jews of that city are reported in history to + have massacred more Christians than at that time dwelt in it. Indeed, the + truth is, they did maul the dogs pretty handsomely; but I myself was not + present, for as all our people were ordered to be armed, I took that + opportunity of selling two swords, which probably I might otherwise never + have disposed of, they being extremely old and rusty; so that, having no + weapon left, I did not care to venture abroad. Besides, though I really + thought it an act meriting salvation to murder the Nazarenes, as the fact + was to be committed at midnight, at which time, to avoid suspicion, we + were all to sally from our own houses, I could not persuade myself to + consume so much oil in sitting up to that hour: for these reasons + therefore I remained at home that evening. + </p> + <p> + “I was at this time greatly enamored with one Hypatia, the daughter of a + philosopher; a young lady of the greatest beauty and merit: indeed, she + had every imaginable ornament both of mind and body. She seemed not to + dislike my person; but there were two obstructions to our marriage, viz., + my religion and her poverty: both which might probably have been got over, + had not those dogs the Christians murdered her; and, what is worse, + afterwards burned her body: worse, I say, because I lost by that means a + jewel of some value, which I had presented to her, designing, if our + nuptials did not take place, to demand it of her back again. + </p> + <p> + “Being thus disappointed in my love, I soon after left Alexandria and went + to the imperial city, where I apprehended I should find a good market for + jewels on the approaching marriage of the emperor with Athenais. I + disguised myself as a beggar on this journey, for these reasons: first, as + I imagined I should thus carry my jewels with greater safety; and, + secondly, to lessen my expenses; which latter expedient succeeded so well, + that I begged two oboli on my way more than my traveling cost me, my diet + being chiefly roots, and my drink water. + </p> + <p> + “But perhaps, it had been better for me if I had been more lavish and more + expeditious; for the ceremony was over before I reached Constantinople; so + that I lost that glorious opportunity of disposing of my jewels with which + many of our people were greatly enriched. + </p> + <p> + “The life of a miser is very little worth relating, as it is one constant + scheme of getting or saving money. I shall therefore repeat to you some + few only of my adventures, without regard to any order. + </p> + <p> + “A Roman Jew, who was a great lover of Falernian wine, and who indulged + himself very freely with it, came to dine at my house; when, knowing he + should meet with little wine, and that of the cheaper sort, sent me in + half-a-dozen jars of Falernian. Can you believe I would not give this man + his own wine? Sir, I adulterated it so that I made six jars of [them] + three, which he and his friend drank; the other three I afterwards sold to + the very person who originally sent them me, knowing he would give a + better price than any other. + </p> + <p> + “A noble Roman came one day to my house in the country, which I had + purchased, for half the value, of a distressed person. My neighbors paid + him the compliment of some music, on which account, when he departed, he + left a piece of gold with me to be distributed among them. I pocketed this + money, and ordered them a small vessel of sour wine, which I could not + have sold for above two drachms, and afterwards made them pay in work + three times the value of it. + </p> + <p> + “As I was not entirely void of religion, though I pretended to infinitely + more than I had, so I endeavored to reconcile my transactions to my + conscience as well as possible. Thus I never invited any one to eat with + me, but those on whose pockets I had some design. After our collation it + was constantly my method to set down in a book I kept for that purpose, + what I thought they owed me for their meal. Indeed, this was generally a + hundred times as much as they could have dined elsewhere for; but, + however, it was quid pro quo, if not ad valorem. Now, whenever the + opportunity offered of imposing on them I considered it only as paying + myself what they owed me: indeed, I did not always confine myself strictly + to what I had set down, however extravagant that was; but I reconciled + taking the overplus to myself as usance. + </p> + <p> + “But I was not only too cunning for others—I sometimes overreached + myself. I have contracted distempers for want of food and warmth, which + have put me to the expense of a physician; nay, I once very narrowly + escaped death by taking bad drugs, only to save one seven-eighth per cent + in the price. + </p> + <p> + “By these and such like means, in the midst of poverty and every kind of + distress, I saw myself master of an immense fortune, the casting up and + ruminating on which was my daily and only pleasure. This was, however, + obstructed and embittered by two considerations, which against my will + often invaded my thoughts. One, which would have been intolerable (but + that indeed seldom troubled me), was, that I must one day leave my darling + treasure. + </p> + <p> + “The other haunted me continually, viz., that my riches were no greater. + However, I comforted myself against this reflection by an assurance that + they would increase daily: on which head my hopes were so extensive that I + may say with Virgil— + </p> + <p> + ‘His ego nec metas rerum nec tempora pono.’ + </p> + <p> + Indeed I am convinced that, had I possessed the whole globe of earth, save + one single drachma, which I had been certain never to be master of—I + am convinced, I say, that single drachma would have given me more + uneasiness than all the rest could afford me pleasure. + </p> + <p> + “To say the truth, between my solicitude in contriving schemes to procure + money and my extreme anxiety in preserving it, I never had one moment of + ease while awake nor of quiet when in my sleep. + </p> + <p> + “In all the characters through which I have passed, I have never undergone + half the misery I suffered in this; and, indeed, Minos seemed to be of the + same opinion; for while I stood trembling and shaking in expectation of my + sentence he bid me go back about my business, for that nobody was to be d—n’d + in more worlds than one. And, indeed, I have since learned that the devil + will not receive a miser.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + What happened to Julian in the characters of a general, an + heir, a carpenter, and a beau. +</pre> + <p> + “The next step I took into the world was at Apollonia, in Thrace, where I + was born of a beautiful Greek slave, who was the mistress of Eutyches, a + great favorite of the emperor Zeno. That prince, at his restoration, gave + me the command of a cohort, I being then but fifteen years of age; and a + little afterwards, before I had even seen an army, preferred me, over the + heads of all the old officers, to be a tribune. + </p> + <p> + “As I found an easy access to the emperor, by means of my father’s + intimacy with him, he being a very good courtier—or, in other words, + a most prostitute flatterer—so I soon ingratiated myself with Zeno, + and so well imitated my father in flattering him, that he would never part + with me from about his person. So that the first armed force I ever beheld + was that with which Marcian surrounded the palace, where I was then shut + up with the rest of the court. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +“I was afterwards put at the head of a legion and ordered to march into +Syria with Theodoric the Goth; that is, I mean my legion was so ordered; +for, as to myself, I remained at court, with the name and pay of a +general, without the labor or the danger. + + “As nothing could be more gay, i. e., debauched, than Zeno’s +court, so the ladies of gay disposition had great sway in it; +particularly one, whose name was Fausta, who, though not extremely +handsome, was by her wit and sprightliness very agreeable to the +emperor. With her I lived in good correspondence, and we together +disposed of all kinds of commissions in the army, not to those who had +most merit, but who would purchase at the highest rate. My levee was now +prodigiously thronged by officers who returned from the campaigns, who, +though they might have been convinced by daily example how ineffectual +a recommendation their services were, still continued indefatigable in +attendance, and behaved to me with as much observance and respect as I +should have been entitled to for making their fortunes, while I suffered +them and their families to starve. +</pre> + <p> + “Several poets, likewise, addressed verses to me, in which they celebrated + my achievements; and what, perhaps, may seem strange to us at present, I + received all this incense with most greedy vanity, without once reflecting + that, as I did not deserve these compliments, they should rather put me in + mind of my defects. + </p> + <p> + “My father was now dead, and I became so absolute in the emperor’s grace + that one unacquainted with courts would scarce believe the servility with + which all kinds of persons who entered the walls of the palace behaved + towards me. A bow, a smile, a nod from me, as I passed through cringing + crowds, were esteemed as signal favors; but a gracious word made any one + happy; and, indeed, had this real benefit attending it, that it drew on + the person on whom it was bestowed a very great degree of respect from all + others; for these are of current value in courts, and, like notes in + trading communities, are assignable from one to the other. The smile of a + court favorite immediately raises the person who receives it, and gives a + value to his smile when conferred on an inferior: thus the smile is + transferred from one to the other, and the great man at last is the person + to discount it. For instance, a very low fellow hath a desire for a place. + To whom is he to apply? Not to the great man; for to him he hath no + access. He therefore applies to A, who is the creature of B, who is the + tool of C, who is the flatterer of D, who is the catamite of E, who is the + pimp of F, who is the bully of G, who is the buffoon of I, who is the + husband of K, who is the whore of L, who is the bastard of M, who is the + instrument of the great man. Thus the smile descending regularly from the + great man to A, is discounted back again, and at last paid by the great + man. + </p> + <p> + “It is manifest that a court would subsist as difficultly without this + kind of coin as a trading city without paper credit. Indeed, they differ + in this, that their value is not quite so certain, and a favorite may + protest his smile without the danger of bankruptcy. + </p> + <p> + “In the midst of all this glory the emperor died, and Anastasius was + preferred to the crown. As it was yet uncertain whether I should not + continue in favor, I was received as usual at my entrance into the palace + to pay my respects to the new emperor; but I was no sooner rumped by him + than I received the same compliment from all the rest; the whole room, + like a regiment of soldiers, turning their backs to me all at once: my + smile now was become of equal value with the note of a broken banker, and + every one was as cautious not to receive it. + </p> + <p> + “I made as much haste as possible from the court, and shortly after from + the city, retreating to the place of my nativity, where I spent the + remainder of my days in a retired life in husbandry, the only amusement + for which I was qualified, having neither learning nor virtue. + </p> + <p> + “When I came to the gate Minos again seemed at first doubtful, but at + length dismissed me; saying though I had been guilty of many heinous + crimes, in as much as I had, though a general, never been concerned in + spilling human blood, I might return again to earth. + </p> + <p> + “I was now again born in Alexandria, and, by great accident, entering into + the womb of my daughter-in-law, came forth my own grandson, inheriting + that fortune which I had before amassed. + </p> + <p> + “Extravagance was now as notoriously my vice as avarice had been formerly; + and I spent in a very short life what had cost me the labor of a very long + one to rake together. Perhaps you will think my present condition was more + to be envied than my former: but upon my word it was very little so; for, + by possessing everything almost before I desired it, I could hardly ever + say I enjoyed my wish: I scarce ever knew the delight of satisfying a + craving appetite. Besides, as I never once thought, my mind was useless to + me, and I was an absolute stranger to all the pleasures arising from it. + Nor, indeed, did my education qualify me for any delicacy in other + enjoyments; so that in the midst of plenty I loathed everything. Taste for + elegance I had none; and the greatest of corporeal blisses I felt no more + from than the lowest animal. In a word, as while a miser I had plenty + without daring to use it, so now I had it without appetite. + </p> + <p> + “But if I was not very happy in the height of my enjoyment, so I + afterwards became perfectly miserable; being soon overtaken by disease, + and reduced to distress, till at length, with a broken constitution and + broken heart, I ended my wretched days in a jail: nor can I think the + sentence of Minos too mild, who condemned me, after having taken a large + dose of avarice, to wander three years on the banks of Cocytus, with the + knowledge of having spent the fortune in the person of the grandson which + I had raised in that of the grandfather. + </p> + <p> + “The place of my birth, on my return to the world, was Constantinople, + where my father was a carpenter. The first thing I remember was, the + triumph of Belisarius, which was, indeed, most noble show; but nothing + pleased me so much as the figure of Gelimer, king of the African Vandals, + who, being led captive on this occasion, reflecting with disdain on the + mutation of his own fortune, and on the ridiculous empty pomp of the + conqueror, cried out, VANITY, VANITY, ALL IS MERE VANITY.’ + </p> + <p> + “I was bred up to my father’s trade, and you may easily believe so low a + sphere could produce no adventures worth your notice. However, I married a + woman I liked, and who proved a very tolerable wife. My days were passed + in hard labor, but this procured me health, and I enjoyed a homely supper + at night with my wife with more pleasure than I apprehend greater persons + find at their luxurious meals. My life had scarce any variety in it, and + at my death I advanced to Minos with great confidence of entering the + gate: but I was unhappily obliged to discover some frauds I had been + guilty of in the measure of my work when I worked by the foot, as well as + my laziness when I was employed by the day. On which account, when I + attempted to pass, the angry judge laid hold on me by the shoulders, and + turned me back so violently, that, had I had a neck of flesh and bone, I + believe he would have broke it.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Julian passes into a fop. +</pre> + <p> + “My scene of action was Rome. I was born into a noble family, and heir to + a considerable fortune. On which my parents, thinking I should not want + any talents, resolved very kindly and wisely to throw none away upon me. + The only instructors of my youth were therefore one Saltator, who taught + me several motions for my legs; and one Ficus, whose business was to show + me the cleanest way (as he called it) of cutting off a man’s head. When I + was well accomplished in these sciences, I thought nothing more wanting, + but what was to be furnished by the several mechanics in Rome, who dealt + in dressing and adorning the pope. Being therefore well equipped with all + which their art could produce, I became at the age of twenty a complete + finished beau. And now during forty-five years I dressed, I sang and + danced, and danced and sang, I bowed and ogled, and ogled and bowed, till, + in the sixty-sixth year of my age, I got cold by overheating myself with + dancing, and died. + </p> + <p> + “Minos told me, as I was unworthy of Elysium, so I was too insignificant + to be damned, and therefore bade me walk back again.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIV + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Adventures in the person of a monk. +</pre> + <p> + “Fortune now placed me in the character of a younger brother of a good + house, and I was in my youth sent to school; but learning was now at so + low an ebb, that my master himself could hardly construe a sentence of + Latin; and as for Greek, he could not read it. With very little knowledge + therefore, and with altogether as little virtue, I was set apart for the + church, and at the proper age commenced monk. I lived many years retired + in a cell, a life very agreeable to the gloominess of my temper, which was + much inclined to despise the world; that is, in other words, to envy all + men of superior fortune and qualifications, and in general to hate and + detest the human species. Notwithstanding which, I could, on proper + occasions, submit to flatter the vilest fellow in nature, which I did one + Stephen, an eunuch, a favorite of the emperor Justinian II, one of the + wickedest wretches whom perhaps the world ever saw. I not only wrote a + panegyric on this man, but I commended him as a pattern to all others in + my sermons; by which means I so greatly ingratiated myself with him, that + he introduced me to the emperor’s presence, where I prevailed so far by + the same methods, that I was shortly taken from my cell, and preferred to + a place at court. I was no sooner established in the favor of Justinian + than I prompted him to all kind of cruelty. As I was of a sour morose + temper, and hated nothing more than the symptoms of happiness appearing in + any countenance, I represented all kind of diversion and amusement as the + most horrid sins. I inveighed against cheerfulness as levity, and + encouraged nothing but gravity, or, to confess the truth to you, + hypocrisy. The unhappy emperor followed my advice, and incensed the people + by such repeated barbarities, that he was at last deposed by them and + banished. + </p> + <p> + “I now retired again to my cell (for historians mistake in saying I was + put to death), where I remained safe from the danger of the irritated mob, + whom I cursed in my own heart as much as they could curse me. + </p> + <p> + “Justinian, after three years of his banishment, returned to + Constantinople in disguise, and paid me a visit. I at first affected not + to know him, and without the least compunction of gratitude for his former + favors, intended not to receive him, till a thought immediately suggested + itself to me how I might convert him to my advantage, I pretended to + recollect him; and, blaming the shortness of my memory and badness of my + eyes, I sprung forward and embraced him with great affection. + </p> + <p> + “My design was to betray him to Apsimar, who, I doubted not, would + generously reward such a service. I therefore very earnestly requested him + to spend the whole evening with me; to which he consented. I formed an + excuse for leaving him a few minutes, and ran away to the palace to + acquaint Apsimar with the guest whom I had then in my cell. He presently + ordered a guard to go with me and seize him; but, whether the length of my + stay gave him any suspicion, or whether he changed his purpose after my + departure, I know not; for at my return we found he had given us the slip; + nor could we with the most diligent search discover him. + </p> + <p> + “Apsimar, being disappointed of his prey, now raged at me; at first + denouncing the most dreadful vengeance if I did not produce the deposed + monarch. However, by soothing his passion when at the highest, and + afterwards by canting and flattery, I made a shift to escape his fury. + </p> + <p> + “When Justinian was restored I very confidently went to wish him joy of + his restoration: but it seems he had unfortunately heard of my treachery, + so that he at first received me coldly, and afterwards upbraided me openly + with what I had done. I persevered stoutly in denying it, as I knew no + evidence could be produced against me; till, finding him irreconcilable, I + betook myself to reviling him in my sermons, and on every other occasion, + as an enemy to the church and good men, and as an infidel, a heretic, an + atheist, a heathen, and an Arian. This I did immediately on his return, + and before he gave those flagrant proofs of his inhumanity which + afterwards sufficiently verified all I had said. + </p> + <p> + “Luckily I died on the same day when a great number of those forces which + Justinian had sent against the Thracian Bosphorus, and who had executed + such unheard-of cruelties there, perished. As every one of these was cast + into the bottomless pit, Minos was so tired with condemnation, that he + proclaimed that all present who had not been concerned in that bloody + expedition might, if they pleased, return to the other world. I took him + at his word, and, presently turning about, began my journey.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XV + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Julian passes into the character of a fiddler. +</pre> + <p> + “Rome was now the seat of my nativity. My mother was an African, a woman + of no great beauty, but a favorite, I suppose from her piety, of pope + Gregory II. Who was my father I know not, but I believe no very + considerable man; for after the death of that pope, who was, out of his + religion, a very good friend of my mother, we fell into great distress, + and were at length reduced to walk the streets of Rome; nor had either of + us any other support but a fiddle, on which I played with pretty tolerable + skill; for, as my genius turned naturally to music, so I had been in my + youth very early instructed at the expense of the good pope. This afforded + us but a very poor livelihood: for, though I had often a numerous crowd of + hearers, few ever thought themselves obliged to contribute the smallest + pittance to the poor starving wretch who had given them pleasure. Nay, + some of the graver sort, after an hour’s attention to my music, have gone + away shaking their heads, and crying it was a shame such vagabonds were + suffered to stay in the city. + </p> + <p> + “To say the truth, I am confident the fiddle would not have kept us alive + had we entirely depended on the generosity of my hearers. My mother + therefore was forced to use her own industry; and while I was soothing the + ears of the crowd, she applied to their pockets, and that generally with + such good success that we now began to enjoy a very comfortable + subsistence; and indeed, had we had the least prudence or forecast, might + have soon acquired enough to enable us to quit this dangerous and + dishonorable way of life: but I know not what is the reason that money got + with labor and safety is constantly preserved, while the produce of danger + and ease is commonly spent as easily, and often as wickedly, as acquired. + Thus we proportioned our expenses rather by what we had than what we + wanted or even desired; and on obtaining a considerable booty we have even + forced nature into the most profligate extravagance, and have been wicked + without inclination. + </p> + <p> + “We carried on this method of thievery for a long time without detection: + but, as Fortune generally leaves persons of extraordinary ingenuity in the + lurch at last, so did she us; for my poor mother was taken in the fact, + and, together with myself, as her accomplice, hurried before a magistrate. + </p> + <p> + “Luckily for us, the person who was to be our judge was the greatest lover + of music in the whole city, and had often sent for me to play to him, for + which, as he had given me very small rewards, perhaps his gratitude now + moved him: but, whatever was his motive, he browbeat the informers against + us, and treated their evidence with so little favor, that their mouths + were soon stopped, and we dismissed with honor; acquitted, I should rather + have it said, for we were not suffered to depart till I had given the + judge several tunes on the fiddle. + </p> + <p> + “We escaped the better on this occasion because the person robbed happened + to be a poet; which gave the judge, who was a facetious person, many + opportunities of jesting. He said poets and musicians should agree + together, seeing they had married sisters; which he afterwards explained + to be the sister arts. And when the piece of gold was produced he burst + into a loud laugh, and said it must be the golden age, when poets had gold + in their pockets, and in that age there could be no robbers. He made many + more jests of the same kind, but a small taste will suffice. + </p> + <p> + “It is a common saying that men should take warning by any signal + delivery; but I cannot approve the justice of it; for to me it seems that + the acquittal of a guilty person should rather inspire him with + confidence, and it had this effect on us: for we now laughed at the law, + and despised its punishments, which we found were to be escaped even + against positive evidence. We imagined the late example was rather a + warning to the accuser than the criminal, and accordingly proceeded in the + most impudent and flagitious manner. + </p> + <p> + “Among other robberies, one night, being admitted by the servants into the + house of an opulent priest, my mother took an opportunity, whilst the + servants were dancing to my tunes, to convey away a silver vessel; this + she did without the least sacrilegious intention; but it seems the cup, + which was a pretty large one, was dedicated to holy uses, and only + borrowed by the priest on an entertainment which he made for some of his + brethren. We were immediately pursued upon this robbery (the cup being + taken in our possession), and carried before the same magistrate, who had + before behaved to us with so much gentleness: but his countenance was now + changed, for the moment the priest appeared against us, his severity was + as remarkable as his candor had been before, and we were both ordered to + be stripped and whipped through the streets. + </p> + <p> + “This sentence was executed with great severity, the priest himself + attending and encouraging the executioner, which he said he did for the + good of our souls; but, though our backs were both flayed, neither my + mother’s torments nor my own afflicted me so much as the indignity offered + to my poor fiddle, which was carried in triumph before me, and treated + with a contempt by the multitude, intimating a great scorn for the science + I had the honor to profess; which, as it is one of the noblest inventions + of men, and as I had been always in the highest degree proud of my + excellence in it, I suffered so much from the ill-treatment my fiddle + received, that I would have given all my remainder of skin to have + preserved it from this affront. + </p> + <p> + “My mother survived the whipping a very short time; and I was now reduced + to great distress and misery, till a young Roman of considerable rank took + a fancy to me, received me into his family, and conversed with me in the + utmost familiarity. He had a violent attachment to music, and would learn + to play on the fiddle; but, through want of genius for the science, he + never made any considerable progress. However, I flattered his + performance, and he grew extravagantly fond of me for so doing. Had I + continued this behavior I might possibly have reaped the greatest + advantages from his kindness; but I had raised his own opinion of his + musical abilities so high, that he now began to prefer his skill to mine, + a presumption I could not bear. One day as we were playing in concert he + was horribly out; nor was it possible, as he destroyed the harmony, to + avoid telling him of it. Instead of receiving my correction, he answered + it was my blunder and not his, and that I had mistaken the key. Such an + affront from my own scholar was beyond human patience; I flew into a + violent passion, I flung down my instrument in a rage, and swore I was not + to be taught music at my age. He answered, with as much warmth, nor was he + to be instructed by a strolling fiddler. The dispute ended in a challenge + to play a prize before judges. This wager was determined in my favor; but + the purchase was a dear one, for I lost my friend by it, who now, twitting + me with all his kindness, with my former ignominious punishment, and the + destitute condition from which I had been by his bounty relieved, + discarded me for ever. + </p> + <p> + “While I lived with this gentleman I became known, among others, to + Sabina, a lady of distinction, and who valued herself much on her taste + for music. She no sooner heard of my being discarded than she took me into + her house, where I was extremely well clothed and fed. Notwithstanding + which, my situation was far from agreeable; for I was obliged to submit to + her constant reprehensions before company, which gave me the greater + uneasiness because they were always wrong; nor am I certain that she did + not by these provocations contribute to my death: for, as experience had + taught me to give up my resentment to my bread, so my passions, for want + of outward vent, preyed inwardly on my vitals, and perhaps occasioned the + distemper of which I sickened. + </p> + <p> + “The lady, who, amidst all the faults she found, was very fond of me, nay, + probably was the fonder of me the more faults she found, immediately + called in the aid of three celebrated physicians. The doctors (being well + fee’d) made me seven visits in three days, and two of them were at the + door to visit me the eighth time, when, being acquainted that I was just + dead, they shook their heads and departed. + </p> + <p> + “When I came to Minos he asked me with a smile whether I had brought my + fiddle with me; and, receiving an answer in the negative, he bid me get + about my business, saying it was well for me that the devil was no lover + of music.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVI + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The history of the wise man. +</pre> + <p> + “I now returned to Rome, but in a very different character. Fortune had + now allotted me a serious part to act. I had even in my infancy a grave + disposition, nor was I ever seen to smile, which infused an opinion into + all about me that I was a child of great solidity; some foreseeing that I + should be a judge, and others a bishop. At two years old my father + presented me with a rattle, which I broke to pieces with great + indignation. This the good parent, being extremely wise, regarded as an + eminent symptom of my wisdom, and cried out in a kind of ecstasy, ‘Well + said, boy! I warrant thou makest a great man.’ + </p> + <p> + “At school I could never be persuaded to play with my mates; not that I + spent my hours in learning, to which I was not in the least addicted, nor + indeed had I any talents for it. However, the solemnity of my carriage won + so much on my master, who was a most sagacious person, that I was his + chief favorite, and my example on all occasions was recommended to the + other boys, which filled them with envy, and me with pleasure; but, though + they envied me, they all paid me that involuntary respect which it is the + curse attending this passion to bear towards its object. + </p> + <p> + “I had now obtained universally the character of a very wise young man, + which I did not altogether purchase without pains; for the restraint I + laid on myself in abstaining from the several diversions adapted to my + years cost me many a yearning; but the pride which I inwardly enjoyed in + the fancied dignity of my character made me some amends. + </p> + <p> + “Thus I passed on, without anything very memorable happening to me, till I + arrived at the age of twenty-three, when unfortunately I fell acquainted + with a young Neapolitan lady whose name was Ariadne. Her beauty was so + exquisite that her first sight made a violent impression on me; this was + again improved by her behavior, which was most genteel, easy, and affable: + lastly, her conversation completed the conquest. In this she discovered a + strong and lively understanding, with the sweetest and most benign temper. + This lovely creature was about eighteen when I first unhappily beheld her + at Rome, on a visit to a relation with whom I had great intimacy. As our + interviews at first were extremely frequent, my passions were captivated + before I apprehended the least danger; and the sooner probably, as the + young lady herself, to whom I consulted every method of recommendation, + was not displeased with my being her admirer. + </p> + <p> + “Ariadne, having spent three months at Rome, now returned to Naples, + bearing my heart with her: on the other hand, I had all the assurances + consistent with the constraint under which the most perfect modesty lays a + young woman, that her own heart was not entirely unaffected. I soon found + her absence gave me an uneasiness not easy to be borne or to remove. I now + first applied to diversions (of the graver sort, particularly to music), + but in vain; they rather raised my desires and heightened my anguish. My + passion at length grew so violent, that I began to think of satisfying it. + As the first step to this, I cautiously inquired into the circumstances of + Ariadne’s parents, with which I was hitherto unacquainted: though, indeed, + I did not apprehend they were extremely great, notwithstanding the + handsome appearance of their daughter at Rome. Upon examination, her + fortune exceeded my expectation, but was not sufficient to justify my + marriage with her, in the opinion of the wise and prudent. I had now a + violent struggle between wisdom and happiness, in which, after several + grievous pangs, wisdom got the better. I could by no means prevail with + myself to sacrifice that character of profound wisdom, which I had with + such uniform conduct obtained, and with such caution hitherto preserved. I + therefore resolved to conquer my affection, whatever it cost me; and + indeed it did not cost me a little. + </p> + <p> + “While I was engaged in this conflict (for it lasted a long time) Ariadne + returned to Rome: her presence was a terrible enemy to my wisdom, which + even in her absence had with great difficulty stood its ground. It seems + (as she hath since told me in Elysium with much merriment) I had made the + same impressions on her which she had made on me. Indeed, I believe my + wisdom would have been totally subdued by this surprise, had it not + cunningly suggested to me a method of satisfying my passion without doing + any injury to my reputation. This was by engaging her privately as a + mistress, which was at that time reputable enough at Rome, provided the + affair was managed with an air of slyness and gravity, though the secret + was known to the whole city. + </p> + <p> + “I immediately set about this project, and employed every art and engine + to effect it. I had particularly bribed her priest, and an old female + acquaintance and distant relation of hers, into my interest: but all was + in vain; her virtue opposed the passion in her breast as strongly as + wisdom had opposed it in mine. She received my proposals with the utmost + disdain, and presently refused to see or hear from me any more. + </p> + <p> + “She returned again to Naples, and left me in a worse condition than + before. My days I now passed with the most irksome uneasiness, and my + nights were restless and sleepless. The story of our amour was now pretty + public, and the ladies talked of our match as certain; but my acquaintance + denied their assent, saying, ‘No, no, he is too wise to marry so + imprudently.’ This their opinion gave me, I own, very great pleasure; but, + to say the truth, scarce compensated the pangs I suffered to preserve it. + </p> + <p> + “One day, while I was balancing with myself, and had almost resolved to + enjoy my happiness at the price of my character, a friend brought me word + that Ariadne was married. This news struck me to the soul; and though I + had resolution enough to maintain my gravity before him (for which I + suffered not a little the more), the moment I was alone I threw myself + into the most violent fit of despair, and would willingly have parted with + wisdom, fortune, and everything else, to have retrieved her; but that was + impossible, and I had now nothing but time to hope a cure from. This was + very tedious in performing it, and the longer as Ariadne had married a + Roman cavalier, was now become my near neighbor, and I had the + mortification of seeing her make the best of wives, and of having the + happiness which I had lost, every day before my eyes. + </p> + <p> + “If I suffered so much on account of my wisdom in having refused Ariadne, + I was not much more obliged to it for procuring me a rich widow, who was + recommended to me by an old friend as a very prudent match; and, indeed, + so it was, her fortune being superior to mine in the same proportion as + that of Ariadne had been inferior. I therefore embraced this proposal, and + my character of wisdom soon pleaded so effectually for me with the widow, + who was herself a woman of great gravity and discretion, that I soon + succeeded; and as soon as decency would permit (of which this lady was the + strictest observer) we were married, being the second day of the second + week of the second year after her husband’s death; for she said she + thought some period of time above the year had a great air of decorum. + </p> + <p> + “But, prudent as this lady was, she made me miserable. Her person was far + from being lovely, but her temper was intolerable. + </p> + <p> + “During fifteen years’ habitation, I never passed a single day without + heartily cursing her, and the hour in which we came together. The only + comfort I received, in the midst of the highest torments, was from + continually hearing the prudence of my match commended by all my + acquaintance. + </p> + <p> + “Thus you see, in the affairs of love, I bought the reputation of wisdom + pretty dear. In other matters I had it somewhat cheaper; not that + hypocrisy, which was the price I gave for it, gives one no pain. I have + refused myself a thousand little amusements with a feigned contempt, while + I have really had an inclination to them. I have often almost choked + myself to restrain from laughing at a jest, and (which was perhaps to + myself the least hurtful of all my hypocrisy) have heartily enjoyed a book + in my closet which I have spoken with detestation of in public. To sum up + my history in short, as I had few adventures worth remembering, my whole + life was one constant lie; and happy would it have been for me if I could + as thoroughly have imposed on myself as I did on others: for reflection, + at every turn, would often remind me I was not so wise as people thought + me; and this considerably embittered the pleasure I received from the + public commendation of my wisdom. This self-admonition, like a memento + mori or mortalis es, must be, in my opinion, a very dangerous enemy to + flattery: indeed, a weight sufficient to counterbalance all the false + praise of the world. But whether it be that the generality of wise men do + not reflect at all, or whether they have, from a constant imposition on + others, contracted such a habit of deceit as to deceive themselves, I will + not determine: it is, I believe, most certain that very few wise men know + themselves what fools they are, more than the world doth. Good gods! could + one but see what passes in the closet of wisdom! how ridiculous a sight + must it be to behold the wise man, who despises gratifying his palate, + devouring custard; the sober wise man with his dram-bottle; or, the + anti-carnalist (if I may be allowed the expression) chuckling over a b—dy + book or picture, and perhaps caressing his house-maid! + </p> + <p> + “But to conclude a character in which I apprehend I made as absurd a + figure as in any in which I trod the stage of earth, my wisdom at last but + an end to itself, that is, occasioned my dissolution. + </p> + <p> + “A relation of mine in the eastern part of the empire disinherited his + son, and left me his heir. This happened in the depth of winter, when I + was in my grand climacteric, and had just recovered of a dangerous + disease. As I had all the reason imaginable to apprehend the family of the + deceased would conspire against me, and embezzle as much as they could, I + advised with a grave and wise friend what was proper to be done; whether I + should go myself, or employ a notary on this occasion, and defer my + journey to the spring. To say the truth, I was most inclined to the + latter; the rather as my circumstances were extremely flourishing, as I + was advanced in years, and had not one person in the world to whom I + should with pleasure bequeath any fortune at my death. + </p> + <p> + “My friend told me he thought my question admitted of no manner of doubt + or debate; that common prudence absolutely required my immediate + departure; adding, that if the same good luck had happened to him he would + have been already on his journey; ‘for,’ continued he, ‘a man who knows + the world so well as you, would be inexcusable to give persons such an + opportunity of cheating you, who, you must be assured, will be too well + inclined; and as for employing a notary, remember that excellent maxim, Ne + facias per alium, quod fieri potest per te. I own the badness of the + season and your very late recovery are unlucky circumstances; but a wise + man must get over difficulties when necessity obliges him to encounter + them.’ + </p> + <p> + “I was immediately determined by this opinion. The duty of a wise man made + an irresistible impression, and I took the necessity for granted without + examination. I accordingly set forward the next morning; very tempestuous + weather soon overtook me; I had not traveled three days before I relapsed + into my fever, and died. + </p> + <p> + “I was now as cruelly disappointed by Minos as I had formerly been happily + so. I advanced with the utmost confidence to the gate, and really imagined + I should have been admitted by the wisdom of my countenance, even without + any questions asked: but this was not my case; and, to my great surprise, + Minos, with a menacing voice, called out to me, ‘You Mr. there, with the + grave countenance, whither so fast, pray? Will you please, before you move + any farther forwards, to give me a short account of your transactions + below?’ I then began, and recounted to him my whole history, still + expecting at the end of every period that the gate would be ordered to fly + open; but I was obliged to go quite through with it, and then Minos after + some little consideration spoke to me as follows:— + </p> + <p> + “‘You, Mr. Wiseman, stand forth if you please. Believe me, sir, a trip + back again to earth will be one of the wisest steps you ever took, and + really more to the honor of your wisdom than any you have hitherto taken. + On the other side, nothing could be simpler than to endeavor at Elysium; + for who but a fool would carry a commodity, which is of such infinite + value in one place, into another where it is of none? But, without + attempting to offend your gravity with a jest, you must return to the + place from whence you came, for Elysium was never designed for those who + are too wise to be happy.’ + </p> + <p> + “This sentence confounded me greatly, especially as it seemed to threaten + me with carrying my wisdom back again to earth. I told the judge, though + he would not admit me at the gate, I hoped I had committed no crime while + alive which merited my being wise any longer. He answered me, I must take + my chance as to that matter, and immediately we turned our backs to each + other.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Julian enters into the person of a king. +</pre> + <p> + “I was now born at Oviedo in Spain. My father’s name was Veremond, and I + was adopted by my uncle king Alphonso the chaste. + </p> + <p> + “I don’t recollect in all the pilgrimages I have made on earth that I ever + passed a more miserable infancy than now; being under the utmost + confinement and restraint, and surrounded with physicians who were ever + dosing me, and tutors who were continually plaguing me with their + instructions; even those hours of leisure which my inclination would have + spent in play were allotted to tedious pomp and ceremony, which, at an age + wherein I had no ambition to enjoy the servility of courtiers, enslaved me + more than it could the meanest of them. However, as I advanced towards + manhood, my condition made me some amends; for the most beautiful women of + their own accord threw out lures for me, and I had the happiness, which no + man in an inferior degree can arrive at, of enjoying the most delicious + creatures, without the previous and tiresome ceremonies of courtship, + unless with the most simple, young and unexperienced. As for the court + ladies, they regarded me rather as men do the most lovely of the other + sex; and, though they outwardly retained some appearance of modesty, they + in reality rather considered themselves as receiving than conferring + favors. + </p> + <p> + “Another happiness I enjoyed was in conferring favors of another sort; + for, as I was extremely good-natured and generous, so I had daily + opportunities of satisfying those passions. Besides my own princely + allowance, which was very bountiful, and with which I did many liberal and + good actions, I recommended numberless persons of merit in distress to the + king’s notice, most of whom were provided for. Indeed, had I sufficiently + known my blessed situation at this time, I should have grieved at nothing + more than the death of Alphonso, by which the burden of government + devolved upon me; but, so blindly fond is ambition, and such charms doth + it fancy in the power and pomp and splendor of a crown, that, though I + vehemently loved that king, and had the greatest obligations to him, the + thoughts of succeeding him obliterated my regret at his loss, and the wish + for my approaching coronation dried my eyes at his funeral. + </p> + <p> + “But my fondness for the name of king did not make me forgetful of those + over whom I was to reign. I considered them in the light in which a tender + father regards his children, as persons whose wellbeing God had intrusted + to my care; and again, in that in which a prudent lord respects his + tenants, as those on whose wealth and grandeur he is to build his own. + Both these considerations inspired me with the greatest care for their + welfare, and their good was my first and ultimate concern. + </p> + <p> + “The usurper Mauregas had impiously obliged himself and his successors to + pay to the Moors every year an infamous tribute of an hundred young + virgins: from this cruel and scandalous imposition I resolved to relieve + my country. Accordingly, when their emperor Abderames the second had the + audaciousness to make this demand of me, instead of complying with it I + ordered his ambassadors to be driven away with all imaginable ignominy, + and would have condemned them to death, could I have done it without a + manifest violation of the law of nations. + </p> + <p> + “I now raised an immense army; at the levying of which I made a speech + from my throne, acquainting my subjects with the necessity and the reasons + of the war in which I was going to engage: which I convinced them I had + undertaken for their ease and safety, and not for satisfying any wanton + ambition, or revenging any private pique of my own. They all declared + unanimously that they would venture their lives and everything dear to + them in my defense, and in the support of the honor of my crown. + Accordingly, my levies were instantly complete, sufficient numbers being + only left to till the land; churchmen, even bishops themselves, enlisting + themselves under my banners. + </p> + <p> + “The armies met at Alvelda, where we were discomfited with immense loss, + and nothing but the lucky intervention of the night could have saved our + whole army. + </p> + <p> + “I retreated to the summit of a hill, where I abandoned myself to the + highest agonies of grief, not so much for the danger in which I then saw + my crown, as for the loss of those miserable wretches who had exposed + their lives at my command. I could not then avoid this reflection—that, + if the deaths of these people in a war undertaken absolutely for their + protection could give me such concern, what horror must I have felt if, + like princes greedy of dominion, I had sacrificed such numbers to my own + pride, vanity, and ridiculous lust of power. + </p> + <p> + “After having vented my sorrows for some time in this manner, I began to + consider by what means I might possibly endeavor to retrieve this + misfortune; when, reflecting on the great number of priests I had in my + army, and on the prodigious force of superstition, a thought luckily + suggested itself to me, to counterfeit that St. James had appeared to me + in a vision, and had promised me the victory. While I was ruminating on + this the bishop of Najara came opportunely to me. As I did not intend to + communicate the secret to him, I took another method, and, instead of + answering anything the bishop said to me, I pretended to talk to St. + James, as if he had been really present; till at length, after having + spoke those things which I thought sufficient, and thanked the saint aloud + for his promise of the victory, I turned about to the bishop, and, + embracing him with a pleased countenance, protested I did not know he was + present; and then, informing him of this supposed vision, I asked him if + he had not himself seen the saint? He answered me he had; and afterwards + proceeded to assure me that this appearance of St. James was entirely + owing to his prayers; for that he was his tutelar saint. He added he had a + vision of him a few hours before, when he promised him a victory over the + infidels, and acquainted him at the same time of the vacancy of the see of + Toledo. Now, this news being really true, though it had happened so lately + that I had not heard of it (nor, indeed, was it well possible I should, + considering the great distance of the way), when I was afterwards + acquainted with it, a little staggered me, though far from being + superstitious; till being informed that the bishop had lost three horses + on a late expedition, I was satisfied. + </p> + <p> + “The next morning, the bishop, at my desire, mounted the rostrum, and + trumpeted forth this vision so effectually, which he said he had that + evening twice seen with his own eyes, that a spirit began to be infused + through the whole army which rendered them superior to almost any force: + the bishop insisted that the least doubt of success was giving the lie to + the saint, and a damnable sin, and he took upon him in his name to promise + them victory. + </p> + <p> + “The army being drawn out, I soon experienced the effect of enthusiasm, + for, having contrived another stratagem <a href="#linknote-9" + name="linknoteref-9" id="linknoteref-9"><small>9</small></a> to strengthen + what the bishop had said, the soldiers fought more like furies than men. + My stratagem was this: I had about me a dexterous fellow, who had been + formerly a pimp in my amours. Him I dressed up in a strange antic dress, + with a pair of white colors in his right hand, a red cross in his left, + and having disguised him so that no one could know him, I placed him on a + white horse, and ordered him to ride to the head of the army, and cry out, + ‘Follow St. James!’ These words were reiterated by all the troops, who + attacked the enemy with such intrepidity, that, notwithstanding our + inferiority of numbers, we soon obtained a complete victory. + </p> + <p> + “The bishop was come up by the time that the enemy was routed, and, + acquainting us that he had met St. James by the way, and that he had + informed him of what had passed, he added that he had express orders from + the saint to receive a considerable sum for his use, and that a certain + tax on corn and wine should be settled on his church for ever; and lastly, + that a horseman’s pay should be allowed for the future to the saint + himself, of which he and his successors were appointed receivers. The army + received these demands with such acclamations that I was obliged to comply + with them, as I could by no means discover the imposition, nor do I + believe I should have gained any credit if I had. + </p> + <p> + “I had now done with the saint, but the bishop had not; for about a week + afterwards lights were seen in a wood near where the battle was fought; + and in a short time afterwards they discovered his tomb at the same place. + Upon this the bishop made me a visit, and forced me to go thither, to + build a church to him, and largely endow it. In a word, the good man so + plagued me with miracle after miracle, that I was forced to make interest + with the pope to convey him to Toledo, to get rid of him. + </p> + <p> + “But to proceed to other matters.—There was an inferior officer, who + had behaved very bravely in the battle against the Moors, and had received + several wounds, who solicited me for preferment; which I was about to + confer on him, when one of my ministers came to me in a fright, and told + me that he had promised the post I designed for this man to the son of + count Alderedo; and that the count, who was a powerful person, would be + greatly disobliged at the refusal, as he had sent for his son from school + to take possession of it. I was obliged to agree with my minister’s + reasons, and at the same time recommended the wounded soldier to be + preferred by him, which he faithfully promised he would; but I met the + poor wretch since in Elysium, who informed me he was afterwards starved to + death. + </p> + <p> + “None who hath not been himself a prince, nor any prince till his death, + can conceive the impositions daily put on them by their favorites and + ministers; so that princes are often blamed for the faults of others. The + count of Saldagne had been long confined in prison, when his son, D. + Bernard del Carpio, who had performed the greatest actions against the + Moors, entreated me, as a reward for his service, to grant him his + father’s liberty. The old man’s punishment had been so tedious, and the + services of the young one so singularly eminent, that I was very + inclinable to grant the request; but my ministers strongly opposed it; + they told me my glory demanded revenge for the dishonor offered to my + family; that so positive a demand carried with it rather the air of menace + than entreaty; that the vain detail of his services, and the recompense + due to them, was an injurious reproach; that to grant what had been so + haughtily demanded would argue in the monarch both weakness and timidity; + in a word, that to remit the punishment inflicted by my predecessors would + be to condemn their judgment. Lastly, one told me in a whisper, ‘His whole + family are enemies to your house.’ By these means the ministers prevailed. + The young lord took the refusal so ill, that he retired from court, and + abandoned himself to despair, whilst the old one languished in prison. By + which means, as I have since discovered, I lost the use of two of my best + subjects. + </p> + <p> + “To confess the truth, I had, by means of my ministers, conceived a very + unjust opinion of my whole people, whom I fancied to be daily conspiring + against me, and to entertain the most disloyal thoughts, when, in reality + (as I have known since my death), they held me in universal respect and + esteem. This is a trick, I believe, too often played with sovereigns, who, + by such means, are prevented from that open intercourse with their + subjects which, as it would greatly endear the person of the prince to the + people, so might it often prove dangerous to a minister who was consulting + his own interest only at the expense of both. I believe I have now + recounted to you the most material passages of my life; for I assure you + there are some incidents in the lives of kings not extremely worth + relating. Everything which passes in their minds and families is not + attended with the splendor which surrounds their throne—indeed, + there are some hours wherein the naked king and the naked cobbler can + scarce be distinguished from each other. + </p> + <p> + “Had it not been, however, for my ingratitude to Bernard del Carpio, I + believe this would have been my last pilgrimage on earth; for, as to the + story of St. James, I thought Minos would have burst his sides at it; but + he was so displeased with me on the other account, that, with a frown, he + cried out, ‘Get thee back again, king.’ Nor would he suffer me to say + another word.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVIII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Julian passes into a fool. +</pre> + <p> + “The next visit I made to the world was performed in France, where I was + born in the court of Lewis III, and had afterwards the honor to be + preferred to be fool to the prince, who was surnamed Charles the Simple. + But, in reality, I know not whether I might so properly be said to have + acted the fool in his court as to have made fools of all others in it. + Certain it is, I was very far from being what is generally understood by + that word, being a most cunning, designing, arch knave. I knew very well + the folly of my master, and of many others, and how to make my advantage + of this knowledge. + </p> + <p> + “I was as dear to Charles the Simple as the player Paris was to Domitian, + and, like him, bestowed all manner of offices and honors on whom I + pleased. This drew me a great number of followers among the courtiers, who + really mistook me for a fool, and yet flattered my understanding. There + was particularly in the court a fellow who had neither honor, honesty, + sense, wit, courage, beauty, nor indeed any one good quality, either of + mind or body, to recommend him; but was at the same time, perhaps, as + cunning a monster as ever lived. This gentleman took it into his head to + list under my banner, and pursued me so very assiduously with flattery, + constantly reminding me of my good sense, that I grew immoderately fond of + him; for though flattery is not most judiciously applied to qualities + which the persons flattered possess, yet as, notwithstanding my being well + assured of my own parts, I passed in the whole court for a fool, this + flattery was a very sweet morsel to me. I therefore got this fellow + preferred to a bishopric, but I lost my flatterer by it; for he never + afterwards said a civil thing to me. + </p> + <p> + “I never balked my imagination for the grossness of the reflection on the + character of the greatest noble—nay, even the king himself; of which + I will give you a very bold instance. One day his simple majesty told me + he believed I had so much power that his people looked on me as the king, + and himself as my fool. + </p> + <p> + “At this I pretended to be angry, as with an affront. ‘Why, how now?’ says + the king; ‘are you ashamed of being a king?’ ‘No, sir,’ says I, ‘but I am + devilishly ashamed of my fool.’ + </p> + <p> + “Herbert, earl of Vermandois, had by my means been restored to the favor + of the Simple (for so I used always to call Charles). He afterwards + prevailed with the king to take the city of Arras from earl Baldwin, by + which means, Herbert, in exchange for this city, had Peronne restored to + him by count Altmar. Baldwin came to court in order to procure the + restoration of his city; but, either through pride or ignorance, neglected + to apply to me. As I met him at court during his solicitation, I told him + he did not apply the right way; he answered roughly he should not ask a + fool’s advice. I replied I did not wonder at his prejudice, since he had + miscarried already by following a fool’s advice; but I told him there were + fools who had more interest than that he had brought with him to court. He + answered me surlily he had no fool with him, for that he traveled alone. + ‘Ay, my lord,’ says I, ‘I often travel alone, and yet they will have it I + always carry a fool with me.’ This raised a laugh among the by-standers, + on which he gave me a blow. I immediately complained of this usage to the + Simple, who dismissed the earl from court with very hard words, instead of + granting him the favor he solicited. + </p> + <p> + “I give you these rather as a specimen of my interest and impudence than + of my wit—indeed, my jests were commonly more admired than they + ought to be; for perhaps I was not in reality much more a wit than a fool. + But, with the latitude of unbounded scurrility, it is easy enough to + attain the character of wit, especially in a court, where, as all persons + hate and envy one another heartily, and are at the same time obliged by + the constrained behavior of civility to profess the greatest liking, so it + is, and must be, wonderfully pleasant to them to see the follies of their + acquaintance exposed by a third person. Besides, the opinion of the court + is as uniform as the fashion, and is always guided by the will of the + prince or of the favorite. I doubt not that Caligula’s horse was + universally held in his court to be a good and able consul. In the same + manner was I universally acknowledged to be the wittiest fool in the + world. Every word I said raised laughter, and was held to be a jest, + especially by the ladies, who sometimes laughed before I had discovered my + sentiment, and often repeated that as a jest which I did not even intend + as one. + </p> + <p> + “I was as severe on the ladies as on the men, and with the same impunity; + but this at last cost me dear: for once having joked on the beauty of a + lady whose name was Adelaide, a favorite of the Simple’s, she pretended to + smile and be pleased at my wit with the rest of the company; but in + reality she highly resented it, and endeavored to undermine me with the + king. In which she so greatly succeeded (for what cannot a favorite woman + do with one who deserves the surname of Simple?) that the king grew every + day more reserved to me, and when I attempted any freedom gave me such + marks of his displeasure, that the courtiers who have all hawks’ eyes at a + slight from the sovereign, soon discerned it: and indeed, had I been blind + enough not to have discovered that I had lost ground in the Simple’s favor + by his own change in his carriage towards me, I must have found it, nay + even felt it, in the behavior of the courtiers: for, as my company was two + days before solicited with the utmost eagerness, it was now rejected with + as much scorn. I was now the jest of the ushers and pages; and an officer + of the guards, on whom I was a little jocose, gave me a box on the ear, + bidding me make free with my equals. This very fellow had been my butt for + many years, without daring to lift his hand against me. + </p> + <p> + “But though I visibly perceived the alteration in the Simple, I was + utterly unable to make any guess at the occasion. I had not the least + suspicion of Adelaide; for, besides her being a very good-humored woman, I + had often made severe jests on her reputation, which I had all the reason + imaginable to believe had given her no offense. But I soon perceived that + a woman will bear the most bitter censures on her morals easier than the + smallest reflection on her beauty; for she now declared publicly, that I + ought to be dismissed from court, as the stupidest of fools, and one in + whom there was no diversion; and that she wondered how any person could + have so little taste as to imagine I had any wit. This speech was echoed + through the drawing-room, and agreed to by all present. Every one now put + on an unusual gravity on their countenance whenever I spoke; and it was as + much out of my power to raise a laugh as formerly it had been for me to + open my mouth without one. + </p> + <p> + “While my affairs were in this posture I went one day into the circle + without my fool’s dress. The Simple, who would still speak to me, cried + out, ‘So, fool, what’s the matter now?’ ‘Sir,’ answered I, ‘fools are like + to be so common a commodity at court, that I am weary of my coat.’ ‘How + dost thou mean?’ answered the Simple; ‘what can make them commoner now + than usual?’—‘O, sir,’ said I, ‘there are ladies here make your + majesty a fool every day of their lives.’ The Simple took no notice of my + jest, and several present said my bones ought to be broke for my + impudence; but it pleased the queen, who, knowing Adelaide, whom she + hated, to be the cause of my disgrace, obtained me of the king, and took + me into her service; so that I was henceforth called the queen’s fool, and + in her court received the same honor, and had as much wit, as I had + formerly had in the king’s. But as the queen had really no power unless + over her own domestics, I was not treated in general with that + complacence, nor did I receive those bribes and presents, which had once + fallen to my share. + </p> + <p> + “Nor did this confined respect continue long: for the queen, who had in + fact no taste for humor, soon grew sick of my foolery, and, forgetting the + cause for which she had taken me, neglected me so much, that her court + grew intolerable to my temper, and I broke my heart and died. + </p> + <p> + “Minos laughed heartily at several things in my story, and then, telling + me no one played the fool in Elysium, bid me go back again.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0019" id="link2HCH0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIX + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Julian appears in the character of a beggar. +</pre> + <p> + “I now returned to Rome, and was born into a very poor and numerous + family, which, to be honest with you, procured its livelihood by begging. + This, if you was never yourself of the calling, you do not know, I + suppose, to be as regular a trade as any other; to have its several rules + and secrets, or mysteries, which to learn require perhaps as tedious an + apprenticeship as those of any craft whatever. + </p> + <p> + “The first thing we are taught is the countenance miserable. This indeed + nature makes much easier to some than others; but there are none who + cannot accomplish it, if they begin early enough in youth, and before the + muscles are grown too stubborn. + </p> + <p> + “The second thing is the voice lamentable. In this qualification too, + nature must have her share in producing the most consummate excellence: + however, art will here, as in every other instance, go a great way with + industry and application, even without the assistance of genius, + especially if the student begins young. + </p> + <p> + “There are many other instructions, but these are the most considerable. + The women are taught one practice more than the men, for they are + instructed in the art of crying, that is, to have their tears ready on all + occasions: but this is attained very easily by most. Some indeed arrive at + the utmost perfection in this art with incredible facility. + </p> + <p> + “No profession requires a deeper insight into human nature than the + beggar’s. Their knowledge of the passions of men is so extensive, that I + have often thought it would be of no little service to a politician to + have his education among them. Nay, there is a much greater analogy + between these two characters than is imagined; for both concur in their + first and grand principle, it being equally their business to delude and + impose on mankind. It must be confessed that they differ widely in the + degree of advantage which they make by their deceit; for, whereas the + beggar is contented with a little, the politician leaves but a little + behind. + </p> + <p> + “A very great English philosopher hath remarked our policy, in taking care + never to address any one with a title inferior to what he really claims. + My father was of the same opinion; for I remember when I was a boy, the + pope happening to pass by, I tended him with ‘Pray, sir;’ ‘For God’s sake, + sir;’ ‘For the Lord’s sake, sir;’—To which he answered gravely, + ‘Sirrah, sirrah, you ought to be whipped for taking the Lord’s name in + vain;’ and in vain it was indeed, for he gave me nothing. My father, + overhearing this, took his advice, and whipped me very severely. While I + was under correction I promised often never to take the Lord’s name in + vain any more. My father then said, ‘Child, I do not whip you for taking + his name in vain; I whip you for not calling the pope his holiness.’ + </p> + <p> + “If all men were so wise and good to follow the clergy’s example, the + nuisance of beggars would soon be removed. I do not remember to have been + above twice relieved by them during my whole state of beggary. Once was by + a very well-looking man, who gave me a small piece of silver, and declared + he had given me more than he had left himself; the other was by a spruce + young fellow, who had that very day first put on his robes, whom I + attended with ‘Pray, reverend sir, good reverend sir, consider your + cloth.’ He answered, ‘I do, child, consider my office, and I hope all our + cloth do the same.’ He then threw down some money, and strutted off with + great dignity. + </p> + <p> + “With the women I had one general formulary: ‘Sweet pretty lady,’ ‘God + bless your ladyship,’ ‘God bless your handsome face.’ This generally + succeeded; but I observed the uglier the woman was, the surer I was of + success. + </p> + <p> + “It was a constant maxim among us, that the greater retinue any one + traveled with the less expectation we might promise ourselves from them; + but whenever we saw a vehicle with a single or no servant we imagined our + booty sure, and were seldom deceived. + </p> + <p> + “We observed great difference introduced by time and circumstance in the + same person; for instance, a losing gamester is sometimes generous, but + from a winner you will as easily obtain his soul as a single groat. A + lawyer traveling from his country seat to his clients at Rome, and a + physician going to visit a patient, were always worth asking; but the same + on their return were (according to our cant phrase) untouchable. + </p> + <p> + “The most general, and indeed the truest, maxim among us was, that those + who possessed the least were always the readiest to give. The chief art of + a beggar-man is, therefore, to discern the rich from the poor, which, + though it be only distinguishing substance from shadow, is by no means + attainable without a pretty good capacity and a vast degree of attention; + for these two are eternally industrious in endeavoring to counterfeit each + other. In this deceit the poor man is more heartily in earnest to deceive + you than the rich, who, amidst all the emblems of poverty which he puts + on, still permits some mark of his wealth to strike the eye. Thus, while + his apparel is not worth a groat, his finger wears a ring of value, or his + pocket a gold watch. In a word, he seems rather to affect poverty to + insult than impose on you. Now the poor man, on the contrary, is very + sincere in his desire of passing for rich; but the eagerness of this + desire hurries him to over-act his part, and he betrays himself as one who + is drunk by his overacted sobriety. Thus, instead of being attended by one + servant well mounted, he will have two; and, not being able to purchase or + maintain a second horse of value, one of his servants at least is mounted + on a hired rascallion. He is not contented to go plain and neat in his + clothes; he therefore claps on some tawdry ornament, and what he adds to + the fineness of his vestment he detracts from the fineness of his linen. + Without descending into more minute particulars, I believe I may assert it + as an axiom of indubitable truth, that whoever shows you he is either in + himself or his equipage as gaudy as he can, convinces you he is more so + than he can afford. Now, whenever a man’s expense exceeds his income, he + is indifferent in the degree; we had therefore nothing more to do with + such than to flatter them with their wealth and splendor, and were always + certain of success. + </p> + <p> + “There is, indeed, one kind of rich man who is commonly more liberal, + namely, where riches surprise him, as it were, in the midst of poverty and + distress, the consequence of which is, I own, sometimes excessive avarice, + but oftener extreme prodigality. I remember one of these who, having + received a pretty large sum of money, gave me, when I begged an obolus, a + whole talent; on which his friend having reproved him, he answered, with + an oath, ‘Why not? Have I not fifty left?’ + </p> + <p> + “The life of a beggar, if men estimated things by their real essence, and + not by their outward false appearance, would be, perhaps, a more desirable + situation than any of those which ambition persuades us, with such + difficulty, danger, and often villainy, to aspire to. The wants of a + beggar are commonly as chimerical as the abundance of a nobleman; for + besides vanity, which a judicious beggar will always apply to with + wonderful efficacy, there are in reality very few natures so hardened as + not to compassionate poverty and distress, when the predominancy of some + other passion doth not prevent them. + </p> + <p> + “There is one happiness which attends money got with ease, namely, that it + is never hoarded; otherwise, as we have frequent opportunities of growing + rich, that canker care might prey upon our quiet, as it doth on others; + but our money stock we spend as fast as we acquire it; usually at least, + for I speak not without exception; thus it gives us mirth only, and no + trouble. Indeed, the luxury of our lives might introduce diseases, did not + our daily exercise prevent them. This gives us an appetite and relish for + our dainties, and at the same time an antidote against the evil effects + which sloth, united with luxury, induces on the habit of a human body. Our + women we enjoy with ecstasies at least equal to what the greatest men feel + in their embraces. I can, I am assured, say of myself, that no mortal + could reap more perfect happiness from the tender passion than my fortune + had decreed me. I married a charming young woman for love; she was the + daughter of a neighboring beggar, who, with an improvidence too often + seen, spent a very large income which he procured by his profession, so + that he was able to give her no fortune down; however, at his death he + left her a very well accustomed begging-hut, situated on the side of a + steep hill, where travelers could not immediately escape from us, and a + garden adjoining, being the twenty-eighth part of an acre, well planted. + </p> + <p> + “She made the best of wives, bore me nineteen children, and never failed, + unless on her lying-in, which generally lasted three days, to get my + supper ready against my return home in an evening; this being my favorite + meal, and at which I, as well as my whole family, greatly enjoyed + ourselves; the principal subject of our discourse being generally the + boons we had that day obtained, on which occasions, laughing at the folly + of the donors made no inconsiderable part of the entertainment; for, + whatever might be their motive for giving, we constantly imputed our + success to our having flattered their vanity, or overreached their + understanding. + </p> + <p> + “But perhaps I have dwelt too long on this character; I shall conclude, + therefore, with telling you that after a life of 102 years’ continuance, + during all which I had never known any sickness or infirmity but that + which old age necessarily induced, I at last, without the least pain, went + out like the snuff of a candle. + </p> + <p> + “Minos, having heard my history, bid me compute, if I could, how many lies + I had told in my life. As we are here, by a certain fated necessity, + obliged to confine ourselves to truth, I answered, I believed about + 50,000,000. He then replied, with a frown, ‘Can such a wretch conceive any + hopes of entering Elysium?’ I immediately turned about, and, upon the + whole, was rejoiced at his not calling me back.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0020" id="link2HCH0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XX + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Julian performs the part of a statesman. +</pre> + <p> + “It was now my fortune to be born of a German princess; but a man-midwife, + pulling my head off in delivering my mother, put a speedy end to my + princely life. + </p> + <p> + “Spirits who end their lives before they are at the age of five years are + immediately ordered into other bodies; and it was now my fortune to + perform several infancies before I could again entitle myself to an + examination of Minos. + </p> + <p> + “At length I was destined once more to play a considerable part on the + stage. I was born in England, in the reign of Ethelred II. My father’s + name was Ulnoth: he was earl or thane of Sussex. I was afterwards known by + the name of earl Goodwin, and began to make a considerable figure in the + world in the time of Harold Harefoot, whom I procured to be made king of + Wessex, or the West Saxons, in prejudice of Hardicanute, whose mother Emma + endeavored afterwards to set another of her sons on the throne; but I + circumvented her, and, communicating her design to the king, at the same + time acquainted him with a project which I had formed for the murder of + these two young princes. Emma had sent for these her sons from Normandy, + with the king’s leave, whom she had deceived by her religious behavior, + and pretended neglect of all worldly affairs; but I prevailed with Harold + to invite these princes to his court, and put them to death. The prudent + mother sent only Alfred, retaining Edward to herself, as she suspected my + ill designs, and thought I should not venture to execute them on one of + her sons, while she secured the other; but she was deceived, for I had no + sooner Alfred in my possession than I caused him to be conducted to Ely, + where I ordered his eyes to be put out, and afterwards to be confined in a + monastery. + </p> + <p> + “This was one of those cruel expedients which great men satisfy themselves + well in executing, by concluding them to be necessary to the service of + their prince, who is the support of their ambition. + </p> + <p> + “Edward, the other son of Emma, escaped again to Normandy; whence, after + the death of Harold and Hardicanute, he made no scruple of applying to my + protection and favor, though he had before prosecuted me with all the + vengeance he was able, for the murder of his brother; but in all great + affairs private relation must yield to public interest. Having therefore + concluded very advantageous terms for myself with him, I made no scruple + of patronizing his cause, and soon placed him on the throne. Nor did I + conceive the least apprehension from his resentment, as I knew my power + was too great for him to encounter. + </p> + <p> + “Among other stipulated conditions, one was to marry my daughter Editha. + This Edward consented to with great reluctance, and I had afterwards no + reason to be pleased with it; for it raised her, who had been my favorite + child, to such an opinion of greatness, that, instead of paying me the + usual respect, she frequently threw in my teeth (as often at least as I + gave her any admonition), that she was now a queen, and that the character + and title of father merged in that of subject. This behavior, however, did + not cure me of my affection towards her, nor lessen the uneasiness which I + afterwards bore on Edward’s dismissing her from his bed. + </p> + <p> + “One thing which principally induced me to labor the promotion of Edward + was the simplicity or weakness of that prince, under whom I promised + myself absolute dominion under another name. Nor did this opinion deceive + me; for, during his whole reign, my administration was in the highest + degree despotic: I had everything of royalty but the outward ensigns; no + man ever applying for a place, or any kind of preferment, but to me only. + A circumstance which, as it greatly enriched my coffers, so it no less + pampered my ambition, and satisfied my vanity with a numerous attendance; + and I had the pleasure of seeing those who only bowed to the king + prostrating themselves before me. + </p> + <p> + “Edward the Confessor, or St. Edward, as some have called him, in derision + I suppose, being a very silly fellow, had all the faults incident, and + almost inseparable, to fools. He married my daughter Editha from his fear + of disobliging me; and afterwards, out of hatred to me, refused even to + consummate his marriage, though she was one of the most beautiful women of + her age. He was likewise guilty of the basest ingratitude to his mother (a + vice to which fools are chiefly, if not only, liable); and, in return for + her endeavors to procure him a throne in his youth, confined her in a + loathsome prison in her old age. This, it is true, he did by my advice; + but as to her walking over nine plowshares red-hot, and giving nine + manors, when she had not one in her possession, there is not a syllable of + veracity in it. + </p> + <p> + “The first great perplexity I fell into was on the account of my son + Swane, who had deflowered the abbess of Leon, since called Leominster, in + Herefordshire. After this fact he retired into Denmark, whence he sent to + me to obtain his pardon. The king at first refused it, being moved + thereto, as I afterwards found, by some churchmen, particularly by one of + his chaplains, whom I had prevented from obtaining a bishopric. Upon this + my son Swane invaded the coasts with several ships, and committed many + outrageous cruelties; which, indeed, did his business, as they served me + to apply to the fear of this king, which I had long since discovered to be + his predominant passion. And, at last, he who had refused pardon to his + first offense submitted to give it him after he had committed many other + more monstrous crimes; by which his pardon lost all grace to the offended, + and received double censure from all others. + </p> + <p> + “The king was greatly inclined to the Normans, had created a Norman + archbishop of Canterbury, and had heaped extraordinary favors on him. I + had no other objection to this man than that he rose without my + assistance; a cause of dislike which, in the reign of great and powerful + favorites, hath often proved fatal to the persons who have given it, as + the persons thus raised inspire us constantly with jealousies and + apprehensions. For when we promote any one ourselves, we take effectual + care to preserve such an ascendant over him, that we can at any time + reduce him to his former degree, should he dare to act in opposition to + our wills; for which reason we never suffer any to come near the prince + but such as we are assured it is impossible should be capable of engaging + or improving his affection; no prime minister, as I apprehend, esteeming + himself to be safe while any other shares the ear of his prince, of whom + we are as jealous as the fondest husband can be of his wife. Whoever, + therefore, can approach him by any other channel than that of ourselves, + is, in our opinion, a declared enemy, and one whom the first principles of + policy oblige us to demolish with the utmost expedition. For the affection + of kings is as precarious as that of women, and the only way to secure + either to ourselves is to keep all others from them. + </p> + <p> + “But the archbishop did not let matters rest on suspicion. He soon gave + open proofs of his interest with the Confessor in procuring an office of + some importance for one Rollo, a Roman of mean extraction and very + despicable parts. When I represented to the king the indecency of + conferring such an honor on such a fellow, he answered me that he was the + archbishop’s relation. ‘Then, sir,’ replied I, ‘he is related to your + enemy.’ Nothing more passed at that time; but I soon perceived, by the + archbishop’s behavior, that the king had acquainted him with our private + discourse; a sufficient assurance of his confidence in him and neglect of + me. + </p> + <p> + “The favor of princes, when once lost, is recoverable only by the gaining + a situation which may make you terrible to them. As I had no doubt of + having lost all credit with this king, which indeed had been originally + founded and constantly supported by his fear, so I took the method of + terror to regain it. + </p> + <p> + “The earl of Boulogne coming over to visit the king gave me an opportunity + of breaking out into open opposition; for, as the earl was on his return + to France, one of his servants, who was sent before to procure lodgings at + Dover, and insisted on having them in the house of a private man in spite + of the owner’s teeth, was, in a fray which ensued, killed on the spot; and + the earl himself, arriving there soon after, very narrowly escaped with + his life. The earl, enraged at this affront, returned to the king at + Gloucester with loud complaints and demands of satisfaction. Edward + consented to his demands, and ordered me to chastise the rioters, who were + under my government as earl of Kent: but, instead of obeying these orders, + I answered, with some warmth, that the English were not used to punish + people unheard, nor ought their rights and privileges to be violated; that + the accused should be first summoned—if guilty, should make + satisfaction both with body and estate, but, if innocent, should be + discharged. Adding, with great ferocity, that as earl of Kent it was my + duty to protect those under my government against the insults of + foreigners. + </p> + <p> + “This accident was extremely lucky, as it gave my quarrel with the king a + popular color, and so ingratiated me with the people, that when I set up + my standard, which I soon after did, they readily and cheerfully listed + under my banners and embraced my cause, which I persuaded them was their + own; for that it was to protect them against foreigners that I had drawn + my sword. The word foreigners with an Englishman hath a kind of magical + effect, they having the utmost hatred and aversion to them, arising from + the cruelties they suffered from the Danes and some other foreign nations. + No wonder therefore they espoused my cause in a quarrel which had such a + beginning. + </p> + <p> + “But what may be somewhat more remarkable is, that when I afterwards + returned to England from banishment, and was at the head of an army of the + Flemish, who were preparing to plunder the city of London, I still + persisted that I was come to defend the English from the danger of + foreigners, and gained their credit. Indeed, there is no lie so gross but + it may be imposed on the people by those whom they esteem their patrons + and defenders. + </p> + <p> + “The king saved his city by being reconciled to me, and taking again my + daughter, whom he had put away from him; and thus, having frightened the + king into what concessions I thought proper, I dismissed my army and + fleet, with which I intended, could I not have succeeded otherwise, to + have sacked the city of London and ravaged the whole country. + </p> + <p> + “I was no sooner re-established in the king’s favor, or, what was as well + for me, the appearance of it, than I fell violently on the archbishop. He + had of himself retired to his monastery in Normandy; but that did not + content me: I had him formally banished, the see declared vacant, and then + filled up by another. + </p> + <p> + “I enjoyed my grandeur a very short time after my restoration to it; for + the king, hating and fearing me to a very great degree, and finding no + means of openly destroying me, at last effected his purpose by poison, and + then spread abroad a ridiculous story, of my wishing the next morsel might + choke me if I had had any hand in the death of Alfred; and, accordingly, + that the next morsel, by a divine judgment, stuck in my throat and + performed that office. + </p> + <p> + “This of a statesman was one of my worst stages in the other world. It is + a post subjected daily to the greatest danger and inquietude, and attended + with little pleasure and less ease. In a word, it is a pill which, was it + not gilded over by ambition, would appear nauseous and detestable in the + eye of every one; and perhaps that is one reason why Minos so greatly + compassionates the case of those who swallow it: for that just judge told + me he always acquitted a prime minister who could produce one single good + action in his whole life, let him have committed ever so many crimes. + Indeed, I understood him a little too largely, and was stepping towards + the gate; but he pulled me by the sleeve, and, telling me no prime + minister ever entered there, bid me go back again; saying, he thought I + had sufficient reason to rejoice in my escaping the bottomless pit, which + half my crimes committed in any other capacity would have entitled me to.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0021" id="link2HCH0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXI + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Julian’s adventures in the post of a soldier. +</pre> + <p> + “I was born at Caen, in Normandy. My mother’s name was Matilda; as for my + father, I am not so certain, for the good woman on her death-bed assured + me she herself could bring her guess to no greater certainty than to five + of duke William’s captains. When I was no more than thirteen (being indeed + a surprising stout boy of my age) I enlisted into the army of duke + William, afterwards known by the name of William the Conqueror, landed + with him at Pemesey or Pemsey, in Sussex, and was present at the famous + battle of Hastings. + </p> + <p> + “At the first onset it was impossible to describe my consternation, which + was heightened by the fall of two soldiers who stood by me; but this soon + abated, and by degrees, as my blood grew warm, I thought no more of my own + safety, but fell on the enemy with great fury, and did a good deal of + execution; till, unhappily, I received a wound in my thigh, which rendered + me unable to stand any longer, so that I now lay among the dead, and was + constantly exposed to the danger of being trampled to death, as well by my + fellow-soldiers as by the enemy. However, I had the fortune to escape it, + and continued the remaining part of the day and the night following on the + ground. + </p> + <p> + “The next morning, the duke sending out parties to bring off the wounded, + I was found almost expiring with loss of blood; notwithstanding which, as + immediate care was taken to dress my wounds, youth and a robust + constitution stood my friends, and I recovered after a long and tedious + indisposition, and was again able to use my limbs and do my duty. + </p> + <p> + “As soon as Dover was taken I was conveyed thither with all the rest of + the sick and wounded. Here I recovered of my wound; but fell afterwards + into a violent flux, which, when it departed, left me so weak that it was + long before I could regain my strength. And what most afflicted me was, + that during my whole illness, when I languished under want as well as + sickness, I had daily the mortification to see and hear the riots and + excess of my fellow-soldiers, who had happily escaped safe from the + battle. + </p> + <p> + “I was no sooner well than I was ordered into garrison at Dover Castle. + The officers here fared very indifferently, but the private men much + worse. We had great scarcity of provisions, and, what was yet more + intolerable, were so closely confined for want of room (four of us being + obliged to lie on the same bundle of straw), that many died, and most + sickened. + </p> + <p> + “Here I had remained about four months, when one night we were alarmed + with the arrival of the earl of Boulogne, who had come over privily from + France, and endeavored to surprise the castle. The design proved + ineffectual; for the garrison making a brisk sally, most of his men were + tumbled down the precipice, and he returned with a very few back to + France. In this action, however, I had the misfortune to come off with a + broken arm; it was so shattered, that, besides a great deal of pain and + misery which I endured in my cure, I was disabled for upwards of three + months. + </p> + <p> + “Soon after my recovery I had contracted an amour with a young woman whose + parents lived near the garrison, and were in much better circumstances + than I had reason to expect should give their consent to the match. + However, as she was extremely fond of me (as I was indeed distractedly + enamored of her), they were prevailed on to comply with her desires, and + the day was fixed for our marriage. + </p> + <p> + “On the evening preceding, while I was exulting with the eager expectation + of the happiness I was the next day to enjoy, I received orders to march + early in the morning towards Windsor, where a large army was to be formed, + at the head of which the king intended to march into the west. Any person + who hath ever been in love may easily imagine what I felt in my mind on + receiving those orders; and what still heightened my torments was, that + the commanding officer would not permit any one to go out of the garrison + that evening; so that I had not even an opportunity of taking leave of my + beloved. + </p> + <p> + “The morning came which was to have put me in the possession of my wishes; + but, alas! the scene was now changed, and all the hopes which I had raised + were now so many ghosts to haunt, and furies to torment me. + </p> + <p> + “It was now the midst of winter, and very severe weather for the season; + when we were obliged to make very long and fatiguing marches, in which we + suffered all the inconveniences of cold and hunger. The night in which I + expected to riot in the arms of my beloved mistress I was obliged to take + up with a lodging on the ground, exposed to the inclemencies of a rigid + frost; nor could I obtain the least comfort of sleep, which shunned me as + its enemy. + </p> + <p> + “In short, the horrors of that night are not to be described, or perhaps + imagined. They made such an impression on my soul, that I was forced to be + dipped three times in the river Lethe to prevent my remembering it in the + characters which I afterwards performed in the flesh.” + </p> + <p> + Here I interrupted Julian for the first time, and told him no such dipping + had happened to me in my voyage from one world to the other: but he + satisfied me by saying “that this only happened to those spirits which + returned into the flesh, in order to prevent that reminiscence which Plato + mentions, and which would otherwise cause great confusion in the other + world.” + </p> + <p> + He then proceeded as follows: “We continued a very laborious march to + Exeter, which we were ordered to besiege. The town soon surrendered, and + his majesty built a castle there, which he garrisoned with his Normans, + and unhappily I had the misfortune to be one of the number. + </p> + <p> + “Here we were confined closer than I had been at Dover; for, as the + citizens were extremely disaffected, we were never suffered to go without + the walls of the castle; nor indeed could we, unless in large bodies, + without the utmost danger. We were likewise kept to continual duty, nor + could any solicitations prevail with the commanding officer to give me a + month’s absence to visit my love, from whom I had no opportunity of + hearing in all my long absence. + </p> + <p> + “However, in the spring, the people being more quiet, and another officer + of a gentler temper succeeding to the principal command, I obtained leave + to go to Dover; but alas! what comfort did my long journey bring me? I + found the parents of my darling in the utmost misery at her loss; for she + had died, about a week before my arrival, of a consumption, which they + imputed to her pining at my sudden departure. + </p> + <p> + “I now fell into the most violent and almost raving fit of despair. I + cursed myself, the king, and the whole world, which no longer seemed to + have any delight for me. I threw myself on the grave of my deceased love, + and lay there without any kind of sustenance for two whole days. At last + hunger, together with the persuasions of some people who took pity on me, + prevailed with me to quit that situation, and refresh myself with food. + They then persuaded me to return to my post, and abandon a place where + almost every object I saw recalled ideas to my mind which, as they said, I + should endeavor with my utmost force to expel from it. This advice at + length succeeded; the rather, as the father and mother of my beloved + refused to see me, looking on me as the innocent but certain cause of the + death of their only child. + </p> + <p> + “The loss of one we tenderly love, as it is one of the most bitter and + biting evils which attend human life, so it wants the lenitive which + palliates and softens every other calamity; I mean that great reliever, + hope. No man can be so totally undone, but that he may still cherish + expectation: but this deprives us of all such comfort, nor can anything + but time alone lessen it. This, however, in most minds, is sure to work a + slow but effectual remedy; so did it in mine: for within a twelve-month I + was entirely reconciled to my fortune, and soon after absolutely forgot + the object of a passion from which I had promised myself such extreme + happiness, and in the disappointment of which I had experienced such + inconceivable misery. + </p> + <p> + “At the expiration of the month I returned to my garrison at Exeter; where + I was no sooner arrived than I was ordered to march into the north, to + oppose a force there levied by the earls of Chester and Northumberland. We + came to York, where his majesty pardoned the heads of the rebels, and very + severely punished some who were less guilty. It was particularly my lot to + be ordered to seize a poor man who had never been out of his house, and + convey him to prison. I detested this barbarity, yet was obliged to + execute it; nay, though no reward would have bribed me in a private + capacity to have acted such a part, yet so much sanctity is there in the + commands of a monarch or general to a soldier, that I performed it without + reluctance, nor had the tears of his wife and family any prevalence with + me. + </p> + <p> + “But this, which was a very small piece of mischief in comparison with + many of my barbarities afterwards, was however, the only one which ever + gave me any uneasiness; for when the king led us afterwards into + Northumberland to revenge those people’s having joined with Osborne the + Dane in his invasion, and orders were given us to commit what ravages we + could, I was forward in fulfilling them, and, among some lesser cruelties + (I remember it yet with sorrow), I ravished a woman, murdered a little + infant playing in her lap, and then burned her house. In short, for I have + no pleasure in this part of my relation, I had my share in all the + cruelties exercised on those poor wretches; which were so grievous, that + for sixty miles together, between York and Durham, not a single house, + church, or any other public or private edifice, was left standing. + </p> + <p> + “We had pretty well devoured the country, when we were ordered to march to + the Isle of Ely, to oppose Hereward, a bold and stout soldier, who had + under him a very large body of rebels, who had the impudence to rise + against their king and conqueror (I talk now in the same style I did then) + in defense of their liberties, as they called them. These were soon + subdued; but as I happened (more to my glory than my comfort) to be posted + in that part through which Hereward cut his way, I received a dreadful cut + on the forehead, a second on the shoulder, and was run through the body + with a pike. + </p> + <p> + “I languished a long time with these wounds, which made me incapable of + attending the king into Scotland. However, I was able to go over with him + afterwards into Normandy, in his expedition against Philip, who had taken + the opportunity of the troubles in England to invade that province. Those + few Normans who bad survived their wounds, and had remained in the Isle of + Ely, were all of our nation who went, the rest of his army being all + composed of English. In a skirmish near the town of Mans my leg was broke + and so shattered that it was forced to be cut off. + </p> + <p> + “I was now disabled from serving longer in the army; and accordingly, + being discharged from the service, I retired to the place of my nativity, + where, in extreme poverty, and frequent bad health from the many wounds I + had received, I dragged on a miserable life to the age of sixty-three; my + only pleasure being to recount the feats of my youth, in which narratives + I generally exceeded the truth. + </p> + <p> + “It would be tedious and unpleasant to recount to you the several miseries + I suffered after my return to Caen; let it suffice, they were so terrible + that they induced Minos to compassionate me, and, notwithstanding the + barbarities I had been guilty of in Northumberland, to suffer me to go + once more back to earth.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0022" id="link2HCH0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + What happened to Julian in the person of a tailor. +</pre> + <p> + “Fortune now stationed me in a character which the ingratitude of mankind + hath put them on ridiculing, though they owe to it not only a relief from + the inclemencies of cold, to which they would otherwise be exposed, but + likewise a considerable satisfaction of their vanity. The character I mean + was that of a tailor; which, if we consider it with due attention, must be + confessed to have in it great dignity and importance. For, in reality, who + constitutes the different degrees between men but the tailor? the prince + indeed gives the title, but it is the tailor who makes the man. To his + labors are owing the respect of crowds, and the awe which great men + inspire into their beholders, though these are too often unjustly + attributed to other motives. Lastly, the admiration of the fair is most + commonly to be placed to his account. + </p> + <p> + “I was just set up in my trade when I made three suits of fine clothes for + king Stephen’s coronation. I question whether the person who wears the + rich coat hath so much pleasure and vanity in being admired in it, as we + tailors have from that admiration; and perhaps a philosopher would say he + is not so well entitled to it. I bustled on the day of the ceremony + through the crowd, and it was with incredible delight I heard several say, + as my clothes walked by, ‘Bless me, was ever anything so fine as the earl + of Devonshire? Sure he and Sir Hugh Bigot are the two best dressed men I + ever saw.’ Now both those suits were of my making. + </p> + <p> + “There would indeed be infinite pleasure in working for the courtiers, as + they are generally genteel men, and show one’s clothes to the best + advantage, was it not for one small discouragement; this is, that they + never pay. I solemnly protest, though I lost almost as much by the court + in my life as I got by the city, I never carried a suit into the latter + with half the satisfaction which I have done to the former; though from + that I was certain of ready money, and from this almost as certain of no + money at all. + </p> + <p> + “Courtiers may, however, be divided into two sorts, very essentially + different from each other; into those who never intend to pay for their + clothes; and those who do intend to pay for them, but never happen to be + able. Of the latter sort are many of those young gentlemen whom we equip + out for the army, and who are, unhappily for us, cut off before they + arrive at preferment. This is the reason that tailors, in time of war, are + mistaken for politicians by their inquisitiveness into the event of + battles, one campaign very often proving the ruin of half-a-dozen of us. I + am sure I had frequent reason to curse that fatal battle of Cardigan, + where the Welsh defeated some of king Stephen’s best troops, and where + many a good suit of mine unpaid for, fell to the ground. + </p> + <p> + “The gentlemen of this honorable calling have fared much better in later + ages than when I was of it; for now it seems the fashion is, when they + apprehend their customer is not in the best circumstances, if they are not + paid as soon as they carry home the suit, they charge him in their book as + much again as it is worth, and then send a gentleman with a small scrip of + parchment to demand the money. If this be not immediately paid the + gentleman takes the beau with him to his house, where he locks him up till + the tailor is contented: but in my time these scrips of parchment were not + in use; and if the beau disliked paying for his clothes, as very often + happened, we had no method of compelling him. + </p> + <p> + “In several of the characters which I have related to you, I apprehend I + have sometimes forgot myself, and considered myself as really interested + as I was when I personated them on earth. I have just now caught myself in + the fact; for I have complained to you as bitterly of my customers as I + formerly used to do when I was the tailor: but in reality, though there + were some few persons of very great quality, and some others, who never + paid their debts, yet those were but a few, and I had a method of + repairing this loss. My customers I divided under three heads: those who + paid ready money, those who paid slow, and those who never paid at all. + The first of these I considered apart by themselves, as persons by whom I + got a certain but small profit. The two last I lumped together, making + those who paid slow contribute to repair my losses by those who did not + pay at all. Thus, upon the whole, I was a very inconsiderable loser, and + might have left a fortune to my family, had I not launched forth into + expenses which swallowed up all my gains. I had a wife and two children. + These indeed I kept frugally enough, for I half starved them; but I kept a + mistress in a finer way, for whom I had a country-house, pleasantly + situated on the Thames, elegantly fitted up and neatly furnished. This + woman might very properly be called my mistress, for she was most + absolutely so; and though her tenure was no higher than by my will, she + domineered as tyrannically as if my chains had been riveted in the + strongest manner. To all this I submitted, not through any adoration of + her beauty, which was indeed but indifferent. Her charms consisted in + little wantonnesses, which she knew admirably well to use in hours of + dalliance, and which, I believe, are of all things the most delightful to + a lover. + </p> + <p> + “She was so profusely extravagant, that it seemed as if she had an actual + intent to ruin me. This I am sure of, if such had been her real intention, + she could have taken no properer way to accomplish it; nay, I myself might + appear to have had the same view: for, besides this extravagant mistress + and my country-house, I kept likewise a brace of hunters, rather for that + it was fashionable so to do than for any great delight I took in the + sport, which I very little attended; not for want of leisure, for few + noblemen had so much. All the work I ever did was taking measure, and that + only of my greatest and best customers. I scare ever cut a piece of cloth + in my life, nor was indeed much more able to fashion a coat than any + gentleman in the kingdom. This made a skillful servant too necessary to + me. He knew I must submit to any terms with, or any treatment from, him. + </p> + <p> + “He knew it was easier for him to find another such a tailor as me than + for me to procure such another workman as him: for this reason he exerted + the most notorious and cruel tyranny, seldom giving me a civil word; nor + could the utmost condescension on my side, though attended with continual + presents and rewards, and raising his wages, content or please him. In a + word, he was as absolutely my master as was ever an ambitious, industrious + prime minister over an indolent and voluptuous king. All my other + journeymen paid more respect to him than to me; for they considered my + favor as a necessary consequence of obtaining his. + </p> + <p> + “These were the most remarkable occurrences while I acted this part. Minos + hesitated a few moments, and then bid me get back again, without assigning + any reason.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0023" id="link2HCH0023"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The life of alderman Julian. +</pre> + <p> + “I now revisited England, and was born at London. My father was one of the + magistrates of that city. He had eleven children, of whom I was the + eldest. He had great success in trade, and grew extremely rich, but the + largeness of his family rendered it impossible for him to leave me a + fortune sufficient to live well on independent of business. I was + accordingly brought up to be a fishmonger, in which capacity I myself + afterwards acquired very considerable wealth. + </p> + <p> + “The same disposition of mind which in princes is called ambition is in + subjects named faction. To this temper I was greatly addicted from my + youth. I was, while a boy, a great partisan of prince John’s against his + brother Richard, during the latter’s absence in the holy war and in his + captivity. I was no more than one-and-twenty when I first began to make + political speeches in public, and to endeavor to foment disquietude and + discontent in the city. As I was pretty well qualified for this office, by + a great fluency of words, an harmonious accent, a graceful delivery, and + above all an invincible assurance, I had soon acquired some reputation + among the younger citizens, and some of the weaker and more inconsiderate + of a riper age. This, co-operating with my own natural vanity, made me + extravagantly proud and supercilious. I soon began to esteem myself a man + of some consequence, and to overlook persons every way my superiors. + </p> + <p> + “The famous Robin Hood, and his companion Little John, at this time made a + considerable figure in Yorkshire. I took upon me to write a letter to the + former, in the name of the city, inviting him to come to London, where I + assured him of very good reception, signifying to him my own great weight + and consequence, and how much I had disposed the citizens in his favor. + Whether he received this letter or no I am not certain; but he never gave + me any answer to it. + </p> + <p> + “A little afterwards one William Fitz-Osborn, or, as he was nicknamed, + William Long-Beard, began to make a figure in the city. He was a bold and + an impudent fellow, and had raised himself to great popularity with the + rabble, by pretending to espouse their cause against the rich. I took this + man’s part, and made a public oration in his favor, setting him forth as a + patriot, and one who had embarked in the cause of liberty: for which + service he did not receive me with the acknowledgments I expected. + However, as I thought I should easily gain the ascendant over this fellow, + I continued still firm on his side, till the archbishop of Canterbury, + with an armed force, put an end to his progress: for he was seized in + Bowchurch, where he had taken refuge, and with nine of his accomplices + hanged in chains. + </p> + <p> + “I escaped narrowly myself; for I was seized in the same church with the + rest, and, as I had been very considerably engaged in the enterprise, the + archbishop was inclined to make me an example; but my father’s merit, who + had advanced a considerable sum to queen Eleanor towards the king’s + ransom, preserved me. + </p> + <p> + “The consternation my danger had occasioned kept me some time quiet, and I + applied myself very assiduously to my trade. I invented all manner of + methods to enhance the price of fish, and made use of my utmost endeavors + to engross as much of the business as possible in my own hands. By these + means I acquired a substance which raised me to some little consequence in + the city, but far from elevating me to that degree which I had formerly + flattered myself with possessing at a time when I was totally + insignificant; for, in a trading society, money must at least lay the + foundation of all power and interest. + </p> + <p> + “But as it hath been remarked that the same ambition which sent Alexander + into Asia brings the wrestler on the green; and as this same ambition is + as incapable as quicksilver of lying still; so I, who was possessed + perhaps of a share equal to what hath fired the blood of any of the heroes + of antiquity, was no less restless and discontented with ease and quiet. + My first endeavors were to make myself head of my company, which Richard I + had just published, and soon afterwards I procured myself to be chosen + alderman. + </p> + <p> + “Opposition is the only state which can give a subject an opportunity of + exerting the disposition I was possessed of. Accordingly, king John was no + sooner seated on his throne than I began to oppose his measures, whether + right or wrong. It is true that monarch had faults enow. He was so + abandoned to lust and luxury, that he addicted himself to the most + extravagant excesses in both, while he indolently suffered the king of + France to rob him of almost all his foreign dominions: my opposition + therefore was justifiable enough, and if my motive from within had been as + good as the occasion from without I should have had little to excuse; but, + in truth, I sought nothing but my own preferment, by making myself + formidable to the king, and then selling to him the interest of that party + by whose means I had become so. Indeed, had the public good been my care, + however zealously I might have opposed the beginning of his reign, I + should not have scrupled to lend him my utmost assistance in this struggle + between him and pope Innocent the third, in which he was so manifestly in + the right; nor have suffered the insolence of that pope, and the power of + the king of France, to have compelled him in the issue, basely to resign + his crown into the hands of the former, and receive it again as a vassal; + by means of which acknowledgment the pope afterwards claimed this kingdom + as a tributary fief to be held of the papal chair; a claim which + occasioned great uneasiness to many subsequent princes, and brought + numberless calamities on the nation. + </p> + <p> + “As the king had, among other concessions, stipulated to pay an immediate + sum of money to Pandulph, which he had great difficulty to raise, it was + absolutely necessary for him to apply to the city, where my interest and + popularity were so high that he had no hopes without my assistance. As I + knew this, I took care to sell myself and country as high as possible. The + terms I demanded, therefore, were a place, a pension, and a knighthood. + All those were immediately consented to. I was forthwith knighted, and + promised the other two. + </p> + <p> + “I now mounted the hustings, and, without any regard to decency or + modesty, made as emphatical a speech in favor of the king as before I had + done against him. In this speech I justified all those measures which I + had before condemned, and pleaded as earnestly with my fellow-citizens to + open their purses, as I had formerly done to prevail with them to keep + them shut. But, alas! my rhetoric had not the effect I proposed. The + consequence of my arguments was only contempt to myself. The people at + first stared on one another, and afterwards began unanimously to express + their dislike. An impudent fellow among them, reflecting on my trade, + cried out, ‘Stinking fish;’ which was immediately reiterated through the + whole crowd. I was then forced to slink away home; but I was not able to + accomplish my retreat without being attended by the mob, who huzza’d me + along the street with the repeated cries of ‘Stinking fish.’ + </p> + <p> + “I now proceeded to court, to inform his majesty of my faithful service, + and how much I had suffered in his cause. I found by my first reception he + had already heard of my success. Instead of thanking me for my speech, he + said the city should repent of their obstinacy, for that he would show + them who he was: and so saying, he immediately turned that part to me to + which the toe of man hath so wonderful an affection, that it is very + difficult, whenever it presents itself conveniently, to keep our toes from + the most violent and ardent salutation of it. + </p> + <p> + “I was a little nettled at this behavior, and with some earnestness + claimed the king’s fulfilling his promise; but he retired without + answering me. I then applied to some of the courtiers, who had lately + professed great friendship to me, had eat at my house, and invited me to + theirs: but not one would return me any answer, all running away from me + as if I had been seized with some contagious distemper. I now found by + experience, that as none can be so civil, so none can be ruder than a + courtier. + </p> + <p> + “A few moments after the king’s retiring I was left alone in the room to + consider what I should do or whither I should turn myself. My reception in + the city promised itself to be equal at least with what I found at court. + However, there was my home, and thither it was necessary I should retreat + for the present. + </p> + <p> + “But, indeed, bad as I apprehended my treatment in the city would be, it + exceeded my expectation. I rode home on an ambling pad through crowds who + expressed every kind of disregard and contempt; pelting me not only with + the most abusive language, but with dirt. However, with much difficulty I + arrived at last at my own house, with my bones whole, but covered over + with filth. + </p> + <p> + “When I was got within my doors, and had shut them against the mob, who + had pretty well vented their spleen, and seemed now contented to retire, + my wife, whom I found crying over her children, and from whom I had hoped + some comfort in my afflictions, fell upon me in the most outrageous + manner. She asked me why I would venture on such a step, without + consulting her; she said her advice might have been civilly asked, if I + was resolved not to have been guided by it. That, whatever opinion I might + have conceived of her understanding, the rest of the world thought better + of it. That I had never failed when I had asked her counsel, nor ever + succeeded without it;—with much more of the same kind, too tedious + to mention; concluding that it was a monstrous behavior to desert my party + and come over to the court. + </p> + <p> + “An abuse which I took worse than all the rest, as she had been constantly + for several years assiduous in railing at the opposition, in siding with + the court-party, and begging me to come over to it; and especially after + my mentioning the offer of knighthood to her, since which time she had + continually interrupted my repose with dinning in my ears the folly of + refusing honors and of adhering to a party and to principles by which I + was certain of procuring no advantage to myself and my family. + </p> + <p> + “I had now entirely lost my trade, so that I had not the least temptation + to stay longer in a city where I was certain of receiving daily affronts + and rebukes. I therefore made up my affairs with the utmost expedition, + and, scraping together all I could, retired into the country, where I + spent the remainder of my days in universal contempt, being shunned by + everybody, perpetually abused by my wife, and not much respected by my + children. + </p> + <p> + “Minos told me, though I had been a very vile fellow, he thought my + sufferings made some atonement, and so bid me take the other trial.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0024" id="link2HCH0024"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIV + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Julian recounts what happened to him while he was a poet. +</pre> + <p> + “Rome was now the seat of my nativity, where I was born of a family more + remarkable for honor than riches. I was intended for the church, and had a + pretty good education; but my father dying while I was young, and leaving + me nothing, for he had wasted his whole patrimony, I was forced to enter + myself in the order of mendicants. + </p> + <p> + “When I was at school I had a knack of rhyming, which I unhappily mistook + for genius, and indulged to my cost; for my verses drew on me only + ridicule, and I was in contempt called the poet. + </p> + <p> + “This humor pursued me through my life. My first composition after I left + school was a panegyric on pope Alexander IV, who then pretended a project + of dethroning the king of Sicily. On this subject I composed a poem of + about fifteen thousand lines, which with much difficulty I got to be + presented to his holiness, of whom I expected great preferment as my + reward; but I was cruelly disappointed: for when I had waited a year, + without hearing any of the commendations I had flattered myself with + receiving, and being now able to contain no longer, I applied to a Jesuit + who was my relation, and had the pope’s ear, to know what his holiness’s + opinion was of my work: he coldly answered me that he was at that time + busied in concerns of too much importance to attend the reading of poems. + </p> + <p> + “However dissatisfied I might be, and really was, with this reception, and + however angry I was with the pope? for whose understanding I entertained + an immoderate contempt, I was not yet discouraged from a second attempt. + Accordingly, I soon after produced another work, entitled, The Trojan + Horse. This was an allegorical work, in which the church was introduced + into the world in the same manner as that machine had been into Troy. The + priests were the soldiers in its belly, and the heathen superstition the + city to be destroyed by them. This poem was written in Latin. I remember + some of the lines:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Mundanos scandit fatalis machina muros, + Farta sacerdotum turmis: exinde per alvum + Visi exire omnes, maguo cum murmure olentes. + Non aliter quam cum llumanis furibundus ab antris + It sonus et nares simul aura invadit hiantes. + Mille scatent et mille alii; trepidare timore + Ethnica gens coepit: falsi per inane volantes + Effugere Dei—Desertaque templa relinquunt. + Jam magnum crepitavit equus, mox orbis et alti + Ingemuere poli: tunc tu pater, ultimus omnium + Maxime Alexander, ventrem maturus equinum + Deseris, heu proles meliori digne parente.” + </pre> + <p> + “I believe Julian, had I not stopped him, would have gone through the + whole poem (for, as I observed in most of the characters he related, the + affections he had enjoyed while he personated them on earth still made + some impression on him); but I begged him to omit the sequel of the poem, + and proceed with his history. He then recollected himself, and, smiling at + the observation which by intuition he perceived I had made, continued his + narration as follows:— + </p> + <p> + “I confess to you,” says he, “that the delight in repeating our own works + is so predominant in a poet, that I find nothing can totally root it out + of the soul. Happy would it be for those persons if their hearers could be + delighted in the same manner: but alas! hence that ingens solitudo + complained of by Horace: for the vanity of mankind is so much greedier and + more general than their avarice, that no beggar is so ill received by them + as he who solicits their praise. + </p> + <p> + “This I sufficiently experienced in the character of a poet; for my + company was shunned (I believe on this account chiefly) by my whole house: + nay, there were few who would submit to hearing me read my poetry, even at + the price of sharing in my provisions. The only person who gave me + audience was a brother poet; he indeed fed me with commendation very + liberally: but, as I was forced to hear and commend in my turn, I perhaps + bought his attention dear enough. + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, if my expectations of the reward I hoped from my first poem + had balked me, I had now still greater reason to complain; for, instead of + being preferred or commended for the second, I was enjoined a very severe + penance by my superior, for ludicrously comparing the pope to a f—t. + My poetry was now the jest of every company, except some few who spoke of + it with detestation; and I found that, instead of recommending me to + preferment, it had effectually barred me from all probability of attaining + it. + </p> + <p> + “These discouragements had now induced me to lay down my pen and write no + more. But, as Juvenal says, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + —Si discedas, Laqueo tenet ambitiosi + Consuetudo mali. +</pre> + <p> + “I was an example of the truth of this assertion, for I soon betook myself + again to my muse. Indeed, a poet hath the same happiness with a man who is + dotingly fond of an ugly woman. The one enjoys his muse, and the other his + mistress, with a pleasure very little abated by the esteem of the world, + and only undervalues their taste for not corresponding with his own. + </p> + <p> + “It is unnecessary to mention any more of my poems; they had all the same + fate; and though in reality some of my latter pieces deserved (I may now + speak it without the imputation of vanity) a better success, as I had the + character of a bad writer, I found it impossible ever to obtain the + reputation of a good one. Had I possessed the merit of Homer I could have + hoped for no applause; since it must have been a profound secret; for no + one would now read a syllable of my writings. + </p> + <p> + “The poets of my age were, as I believe you know, not very famous. + However, there was one of some credit at that time, though I have the + consolation to know his works are all perished long ago. The malice, envy, + and hatred I bore this man are inconceivable to any but an author, and an + unsuccessful one; I never could bear to hear him well spoken of, and writ + anonymous satires against him, though I had received obligations from him; + indeed I believe it would have been an absolute impossibility for him at + any rate to have made me sincerely his friend. + </p> + <p> + “I have heard an observation which was made by some one of later days, + that there are no worse men than bad authors. A remark of the same kind + hath been made on ugly women, and the truth of both stands on one and the + same reason, viz., that they are both tainted with that cursed and + detestable vice of envy; which, as it is the greatest torment to the mind + it inhabits, so is it capable of introducing into it a total corruption, + and of inspiring it to the commission of the most horrid crimes + imaginable. + </p> + <p> + “My life was but short; for I soon pined myself to death with the vice I + just now mentioned. Minos told me I was infinitely too bad for Elysium; + and as for the other place, the devil had sworn he would never entertain a + poet for Orpheus’s sake: so I was forced to return again to the place from + whence I came.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0025" id="link2HCH0025"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXV + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Julian performs the parts of a knight and a dancing-master. +</pre> + <p> + “I now mounted the stage in Sicily, and became a knight-templar; but, as + my adventures differ so little from those I have recounted you in the + character of a common soldier, I shall not tire you with repetition. The + soldier and the captain differ in reality so little from one another, that + it requires an accurate judgment to distinguish them; the latter wears + finer clothes, and in times of success lives somewhat more delicately; but + as to everything else, they very nearly resemble one another. + </p> + <p> + “My next step was into France, where fortune assigned me the part of a + dancing-master. I was so expert in my profession that I was brought to + court in my youth, and had the heels of Philip de Valois, who afterwards + succeeded Charles the Fair, committed to my direction. + </p> + <p> + “I do not remember that in any of the characters in which I appeared on + earth I ever assumed to myself a greater dignity, or thought myself of + more real importance, than now. I looked on dancing as the greatest + excellence of human nature, and on myself as the greatest proficient in + it. And, indeed, this seemed to be the general opinion of the whole court; + for I was the chief instructor of the youth of both sexes, whose merit was + almost entirely defined by the advances they made in that science which I + had the honor to profess. As to myself, I was so fully persuaded of this + truth, that I not only slighted and despised those who were ignorant of + dancing, but I thought the highest character I could give any man was that + he made a graceful bow: for want of which accomplishment I had a sovereign + contempt for most persons of learning; nay, for some officers in the army, + and a few even of the courtiers themselves. + </p> + <p> + “Though so little of my youth had been thrown away in what they call + literature that I could hardly write and read, yet I composed a treatise + on education; the first rudiments of which, as I taught, were to instruct + a child in the science of coming handsomely into a room. In this I + corrected many faults of my predecessors, particularly that of being too + much in a hurry, and instituting a child in the sublimer parts of dancing + before they are capable of making their honors. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +“But as I have not now the same high opinion of my profession which I +had then, I shall not entertain you with a long history of a life which +consisted of borees and coupees. Let it suffice that I lived to a very +old age and followed my business as long as I could crawl. At length I +revisited my old friend Minos, who treated me with very little respect +and bade me dance back again to earth. + + “I did so, and was now once more born an Englishman, bred up to +the church, and at length arrived to the station of a bishop. +</pre> + <p> + “Nothing was so remarkable in this character as my always voting— <a + href="#linknote-10" name="linknoteref-10" id="linknoteref-10"><small>10</small></a>.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0029" id="link2H_4_0029"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BOOK XIX. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0026" id="link2HCH0026"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Wherein Anna Boleyn relates the history of her life. +</pre> + <p> + “I am going now truly to recount a life which from the time of its ceasing + has been, in the other world, the continual subject of the cavils of + contending parties; the one making me as black as hell, the other as pure + and innocent as the inhabitants of this blessed place; the mist of + prejudice blinding their eyes, and zeal for what they themselves profess, + making everything appear in that light which they think most conduces to + its honor. + </p> + <p> + “My infancy was spent in my father’s house, in those childish plays which + are most suitable to that state, and I think this was one of the happiest + parts of my life; for my parents were not among the number of those who + look upon their children as so many objects of a tyrannic power, but I was + regarded as the dear pledge of a virtuous love, and all my little + pleasures were thought from their indulgence their greatest delight. At + seven years old I was carried into France with the king’s sister, who was + married to the French king, where I lived with a person of quality, who + was an acquaintance of my father’s. I spent my time in learning those + things necessary to give young persons of fashion a polite education, and + did neither good nor evil, but day passed after day in the same easy way + till I was fourteen; then began my anxiety, my vanity grew strong, and my + heart fluttered with joy at every compliment paid to my beauty: and as the + lady with whom I lived was of a gay, cheerful disposition, she kept a + great deal of company, and my youth and charms made me the continual + object of their admiration. I passed some little time in those exulting + raptures which are felt by every woman perfectly satisfied with herself + and with the behavior of others towards her: I was, when very young, + promoted to be maid of honor to her majesty. The court was frequented by a + young nobleman whose beauty was the chief subject of conversation in all + assemblies of ladies. The delicacy of his person, added to a great + softness in his manner, gave everything he said and did such an air of + tenderness, that every woman he spoke to flattered herself with being the + object of his love. I was one of those who was vain enough of my own + charms to hope to make a conquest of him whom the whole court sighed for. + I now thought every other object below my notice; yet the only pleasure I + proposed to myself in this design was, the triumphing over that heart + which I plainly saw all the ladies of the highest quality and the greatest + beauty would have been proud of possessing. I was yet too young to be very + artful; but nature, without any assistance, soon discovers to a man who is + used to gallantry a woman’s desire to be liked by him, whether that desire + arises from any particular choice she makes of him, or only from vanity. + He soon perceived my thoughts, and gratified my utmost wishes by + constantly preferring me before all other women, and exerting his utmost + gallantry and address to engage my affections. This sudden happiness, + which I then thought the greatest I could have had, appeared visible in + all my actions; I grew so gay and so full of vivacity that it made my + person appear still to a better advantage, all my acquaintance pretending + to be fonder of me than ever: though, young as I was, I plainly saw it was + but pretense, for through all their endeavors to the contrary envy would + often break forth in sly insinuations and malicious sneers, which gave me + fresh matter of triumph, and frequent opportunities of insulting them, + which I never let slip, for now first my female heart grew sensible of the + spiteful pleasure of seeing another languish for what I enjoyed. Whilst I + was in the height of my happiness her majesty fell ill of a languishing + distemper, which obliged her to go into the country for the change of air: + my place made it necessary for me to attend her, and which way he brought + it about I can’t imagine, but my young hero found means to be one of that + small train that waited on my royal mistress, although she went as + privately as possible. Hitherto all the interviews I had ever had with him + were in public, and I only looked on him as the fitter object to feed that + pride which had no other view but to show its power; but now the scene was + quite changed. My rivals, were all at a distance: the place we went to was + as charming as the most agreeable natural situation, assisted by the + greatest art, could make it; the pleasant solitary walks the singing of + birds, the thousand pretty romantic scenes this delightful place afforded, + gave a sudden turn to my mind; my whole soul was melted into softness, and + all my vanity was fled. My spark was too much used to affairs of this + nature not to perceive this change; at first the profuse transports of his + joy made me believe him wholly mine, and this belief gave me such + happiness that no language affords words to express it, and can be only + known to those who have felt it. But this was of a very short duration, + for I soon found I had to do with one of those men whose only end in the + pursuit of a woman is to make her fall a victim to an insatiable desire to + be admired. His designs had succeeded, and now he every day grew colder, + and, as if by infatuation, my passion every day increased; and, + notwithstanding all my resolutions and endeavors to the contrary, my rage + at the disappointment at once both of my love and pride, and at the + finding a passion fixed in my breast I knew not how to conquer, broke out + into that inconsistent behavior which must always be the consequence of + violent passions. One moment I reproached him, the next I grew to + tenderness and blamed myself, and thought I fancied what was not true: he + saw my struggle and triumphed in it; but, as he had not witnesses enough + there of his victory to give him the full enjoyment of it, he grew weary + of the country and returned to Paris, and left me in a condition it is + utterly impossible to describe. My mind was like a city up in arms, all + confusion; and every new thought was a fresh disturber of my peace. Sleep + quite forsook me, and the anxiety I suffered threw me into a fever which + had like to have cost me my life. With great care I recovered, but the + violence of the distemper left such a weakness on my body that the + disturbance of my mind was greatly assuaged; and now I began to comfort + myself in the reflection that this gentleman’s being a finished coquette + was very likely the only thing could have preserved me; for he was the + only man from whom I was ever in any danger. By that time I was got + tolerably well we returned to Paris; and I confess I both wished and + feared to see this cause of all my pain: however, I hoped, by the help of + my resentment, to be able to meet him with indifference. This employed my + thoughts till our arrival. The next day there was a very full court to + congratulate the queen on her recovery; and amongst the rest my love + appeared dressed and adorned as if he designed some new conquest. Instead + of seeing a woman he despised and slighted, he approached me with that + assured air which is common to successful coxcombs. At the same time I + perceived I was surrounded by all those ladies who were on his account my + greatest enemies, and, in revenge, wished for nothing more than to see me + make a ridiculous figure. This situation so perplexed my thoughts, that + when he came near enough to speak to me, I fainted away in his arms. Had I + studied which way I could gratify him most, it was impossible to have done + anything to have pleased him more. Some that stood by brought + smelling-bottles, and used means for my recovery; and I was welcomed to + returning life by all those repartees which women enraged by envy are + capable of venting. One cried ‘Well, I never thought my lord had anything + so frightful in his person or so fierce in his manner as to strike a young + lady dead at the sight of him.’ ‘No, no,’ says another, ‘some ladies’ + senses are more apt to be hurried by agreeable than disagreeable objects.’ + With many more such sort of speeches which showed more malice than wit. + This not being able to bear, trembling, and with but just strength enough + to move, I crawled to my coach and hurried home. When I was alone, and + thought on what had happened to me in a public court, I was at first + driven to the utmost despair; but afterwards, when I came to reflect, I + believe this accident contributed more to my being cured of my passion + than any other could have done. I began to think the only method to pique + the man who had used me so barbarously, and to be revenged on my spiteful + rivals, was to recover that beauty which was then languid and had lost its + luster, to let them see I had still charms enough to engage as many lovers + as I could desire, and that I could yet rival them who had thus cruelly + insulted me. These pleasing hopes revived my sinking spirits, and worked a + more effectual cure on me than all the philosophy and advice of the wisest + men could have done. I now employed all my time and care in adorning my + person, and studying the surest means of engaging the affections of + others, while I myself continued quite indifferent; for I resolved for the + future, if ever one soft thought made its way to my heart, to fly the + object of it, and by new lovers to drive the image from my breast. I + consulted my glass every morning, and got such a command of my countenance + that I could suit it to the different tastes of variety of lovers; and + though I was young, for I was not yet above seventeen, yet my public way + of life gave me such continual opportunities of conversing with men, and + the strong desire I now had of pleasing them led me to make such constant + observations on everything they said or did, that I soon found out the + different methods of dealing with them. I observed that most men generally + liked in women what was most opposite to their own characters; therefore + to the grave solid man of sense I endeavored to appear sprightly and full + of spirit; to the witty and gay, soft and languishing; to the amorous (for + they want no increase of their passions), cold and reserved; to the + fearful and backward, warm and full of fire; and so of all the rest. As to + beaux, and all of those sort of men, whose desires are centered in the + satisfaction of their vanity, I had learned by sad experience the only way + to deal with them was to laugh at them and let their own good opinion of + themselves be the only support of their hopes. I knew, while I could get + other followers, I was sure of them; for the only sign of modesty they + ever give is that of not depending on their own judgments, but following + the opinions of the greatest number. Thus furnished with maxims, and grown + wise by past errors, I in a manner began the world again: I appeared in + all public places handsomer and more lively than ever, to the amazement of + every one who saw me and had heard of the affair between me and my lord. + He himself was much surprised and vexed at this sudden change, nor could + he account how it was possible for me so soon to shake off those chains he + thought he had fixed on me for life; nor was he willing to lose his + conquest in this manner. He endeavored by all means possible to talk to me + again of love, but I stood fixed to my resolution (in which I was greatly + assisted by the crowd of admirers that daily surrounded me) never to let + him explain himself: for, notwithstanding all my pride, I found the first + impression the heart receives of love is so strong that it requires the + most vigilant care to prevent a relapse. Now I lived three years in a + constant round of diversions, and was made the perfect idol of all the men + that came to court of all ages and all characters. I had several good + matches offered me, but I thought none of them equal to my merit; and one + of my greatest pleasures was to see those women who had pretended to rival + me often glad to marry those whom I had refused. Yet, notwithstanding this + great success of my schemes, I cannot say I was perfectly happy; for every + woman that was taken the least notice of, and every man that was + insensible to my arts, gave me as much pain as all the rest gave me + pleasure; and sometimes little underhand plots which were laid against my + designs would succeed in spite of my care: so that I really began to grow + weary of this manner of life, when my father, returning from his embassy + in France, took me home with him, and carried me to a little pleasant + country-house, where there was nothing grand or superfluous, but + everything neat and agreeable. There I led a life perfectly solitary. At + first the time hung very heavy on my hands, and I wanted all kind of + employment, and I had very like to have fallen into the height of the + vapors, from no other reason but from want of knowing what to do with + myself. But when I had lived here a little time I found such a calmness in + my mind, and such a difference between this and the restless anxieties I + had experienced in a court, that I began to share the tranquillity that + visibly appeared in everything round me. I set myself to do works of + fancy, and to raise little flower-gardens, with many such innocent rural + amusements; which, although they are not capable of affording any great + pleasure, yet they give that serene turn to the mind which I think much + preferable to anything else human nature is made susceptible of. I now + resolved to spend the rest of my days here, and that nothing should allure + me from that sweet retirement, to be again tossed about with tempestuous + passions of any kind. Whilst I was in this situation, my lord Percy, the + earl of Northumberland’s eldest son, by an accident of losing his way + after a fox-chase, was met by my father, about a mile from our house; he + came home with him, only with a design of dining with us, but was so taken + with me that he stayed three days. I had too much experience in all + affairs of this kind not to see presently the influence I had on him; but + I was at that time so entirely free from all ambition, that even the + prospect of being a countess had no effect on me; and I then thought + nothing in the world could have bribed me to have changed my way of life. + This young lord, who was just in his bloom, found his passion so strong, + he could not endure a long absence, but returned again in a week, and + endeavored, by all the means he could think of, to engage me to return his + affection. He addressed me with that tenderness and respect which women on + earth think can flow from nothing but real love; and very often told me + that, unless he could be so happy as by his assiduity and care to make + himself agreeable to me, although he knew my father would eagerly embrace + any proposal from him, yet he would suffer that last of miseries of never + seeing me more rather than owe his own happiness to anything that might be + the least contradiction to my inclinations. This manner of proceeding had + something in it so noble and generous, that by degrees it raised a + sensation in me which I know not how to describe, nor by what name to call + it: it was nothing like my former passion: for there was no turbulence, no + uneasy waking nights attending it, but all I could with honor grant to + oblige him appeared to me to be justly due to his truth and love, and more + the effect of gratitude than of any desire of my own. The character I had + heard of him from my father at my first returning to England, in + discoursing of the young nobility, convinced me that if I was his wife I + should have the perpetual satisfaction of knowing every action of his must + be approved by all the sensible part of mankind; so that very soon I began + to have no scruple left but that of leaving my little scene of quietness, + and venturing again into the world. But this, by his continual application + and submissive behavior, by degrees entirely vanished, and I agreed he + should take his own time to break it to my father, whose consent he was + not long in obtaining; for such a match was by no means to be refused. + There remained nothing now to be done but to prevail with the earl of + Northumberland to comply with what his son so ardently desired; for which + purpose he set out immediately for London, and begged it as the greatest + favor that I would accompany my father, who was also to go thither the + week following. I could not refuse his request, and as soon as we arrived + in town he flew to me with the greatest raptures to inform me his father + was so good that, finding his happiness depended on his answer, he had + given him free leave to act in this affair as would best please himself, + and that he had now no obstacle to prevent his wishes. It was then the + beginning of the winter, and the time for our marriage was fixed for the + latter end of March: the consent of all parties made his access to me very + easy, and we conversed together both with innocence and pleasure. As his + fondness was so great that he contrived all the methods possible to keep + me continually in his sight, he told me one morning he was commanded by + his father to attend him to court that evening, and begged I would be so + good as to meet him there. I was now so used to act as he would have me + that I made no difficulty of complying with his desire. Two days after + this, I was very much surprised at perceiving such a melancholy in his + countenance, and alteration in his behavior, as I could no way account + for; but, by importunity, at last I got from him that cardinal Wolsey, for + what reason he knew not, had peremptorily forbid him to think any more of + me: and, when he urged that his father was not displeased with it, the + cardinal, in his imperious manner, answered him, he should give his father + such convincing reasons why it would be attended with great + inconveniences, that he was sure he could bring him to be of his opinion. + On which he turned from him, and gave him no opportunity of replying. I + could not imagine what design the cardinal could have in intermeddling in + this match, and I was still more perplexed to find that my father treated + my lord Percy with much more coldness than usual; he too saw it, and we + both wondered what could possibly be the cause of all this. But it was not + long before the mystery was all made clear by my father, who, sending for + me one day into his chamber, let me into a secret which was as little + wished for as expected. He began with the surprising effects of youth and + beauty, and the madness of letting go those advantages they might procure + us till it was too late, when we might wish in vain to bring them back + again. I stood amazed at this beginning; he saw my confusion, and bid me + sit down and attend to what he was going to tell me, which was of the + greatest consequence; and he hoped I would be wise enough to take his + advice, and act as he should think best for my future welfare. He then + asked me if I should not be much pleased to be a queen? I answered, with + the greatest earnestness, that, so far from it, I would not live in a + court again to be the greatest queen in the world; that I had a lover who + was both desirous and able to raise my station even beyond my wishes. I + found this discourse was very displeasing; my father frowned, and called + me a romantic fool, and said if I would hearken to him he could make me a + queen; for the cardinal had told him that the king, from the time he saw + me at court the other night, liked me, and intended to get a divorce from + his wife, and to put me in her place; and ordered him to find some method + to make me a maid of honor to her present majesty, that in the meantime he + might have an opportunity of seeing me. It is impossible to express the + astonishment these words threw me into; and, notwithstanding that the + moment before, when it appeared at so great a distance, I was very sincere + in my declaration how much it was against my will to be raised so high, + yet now the prospect came nearer, I confess my heart fluttered, and my + eyes were dazzled with a view of being seated on a throne. + </p> + <p> + “My imagination presented before me all the pomp, power and greatness that + attend a crown; and I was so perplexed I knew not what to answer, but + remained as silent as if I had lost the use of my speech. My father, who + guessed what it was that made me in this condition, proceeded to bring all + the arguments he thought most likely to bend me to his will; at last I + recovered from this dream of grandeur, and begged him, by all the most + endearing names I could think of, not to urge me dishonorably to forsake + the man who I was convinced would raise me to an empire if in his power, + and who had enough in his power to give me all I desired. But he was deaf + to all I could say, and insisted that by next week I should prepare myself + to go to court: he bid me consider of it, and not prefer a ridiculous + notion of honor to the real interest of my whole family; but, above all + things, not to disclose what he had trusted me with. On which he left me + to my own thoughts. When I was alone I reflected how little real + tenderness this behavior showed to me, whose happiness he did not at all + consult, but only looked on me as a ladder, on which he could climb to the + height of his own ambitious desires: and when I thought on his fondness + for me in my infancy I could impute it to nothing but either the liking me + as a plaything or the gratification of his vanity in my beauty. But I was + too much divided between a crown and my engagement to lord Percy to spend + much time in thinking of anything else; and, although my father had + positively forbid me, yet, when he came next, I could not help acquainting + him with all that had passed, with the reserve only of the struggle in my + own mind on the first mention of being a queen. I expected he would have + received the news with the greatest agonies; but he showed no vast + emotion: however, he could not help turning pale, and, taking me by the + hand, looked at me with an air of tenderness, and said, ‘If being a queen + would make you happy, and it is in your power to be so, I would not for + the world prevent it, let me suffer what I will.’ This amazing greatness + of mind had on me quite the contrary effect from what it ought to have + had; for, instead of increasing my love for him it almost put an end to + it, and I began to think, if he could part with me, the matter was not + much. And I am convinced, when any man gives up the possession of a woman + whose consent he has once obtained, let his motive be ever so generous, he + will disoblige her. I could not help showing my dissatisfaction, and told + him I was very glad this affair sat so easily on him. He had not power to + answer, but was so suddenly struck with this unexpected ill-natured turn I + gave his behavior, that he stood amazed for some time, and then bowed and + left me. Now I was again left to my own reflections; but to make anything + intelligible out of them is quite impossible: I wished to be a queen, and + wished I might not be one: I would have my lord Percy happy without me; + and yet I would not have the power of my charms be so weak that he could + bear the thought of life after being disappointed in my love. But the + result of all these confused thoughts was a resolution to obey my father. + I am afraid there was not much duty in the case, though at that time I was + glad to take hold of that small shadow to save me from looking on my own + actions in the true light. When my lover came again I looked on him with + that coldness that he could not bear, on purpose to rid myself of all + importunity: for since I had resolved to use him ill I regarded him as the + monument of my shame, and his every look appeared to me to upbraid me. My + father soon carried me to court; there I had no very hard part to act; + for, with the experience I had had of mankind, I could find no great + difficulty in managing a man who liked me, and for whom I not only did not + care but had an utter aversion to: but this aversion he believed to be + virtue; for how credulous is a man who has an inclination to believe! And + I took care sometimes to drop words of cottages and love, and how happy + the woman was who fixed her affections on a man in such a station of life + that she might show her love without being suspected of hypocrisy or + mercenary views. All this was swallowed very easily by the amorous king, + who pushed on the divorce with the utmost impetuosity, although the affair + lasted a good while, and I remained most part of the time behind the + curtain. Whenever the king mentioned it to me I used such arguments + against it as I thought the most likely to make him the more eager for it; + begging that, unless his conscience was really touched, he would not on my + account give any grief to his virtuous queen; for in being her handmaid I + thought myself highly honored; and that I would not only forego a crown, + but even give up the pleasure of ever seeing him more, rather than wrong + my royal mistress. This way of talking, joined to his eager desire to + possess my person, convinced the king so strongly of my exalted merit, + that he thought it a meritorious act to displace the woman (whom he could + not have so good an opinion of, because he was tired of her), and to put + me in her place. After about a year’s stay at court, as the king’s love to + me began to be talked of, it was thought proper to remove me, that there + might be no umbrage given to the queen’s party. I was forced to comply + with this, though greatly against my will; for I was very jealous that + absence might change the king’s mind. I retired again with my father to + his country-seat, but it had no longer those charms for me which I once + enjoyed there; for my mind was now too much taken up with ambition to make + room for any other thoughts. During my stay here, my royal lover often + sent gentlemen to me with messages and letters, which I always answered in + the manner I thought would best bring about my designs, which were to come + back again to court. In all the letters that passed between us there was + something so kingly and commanding in his, and so deceitful and submissive + in mine, that I sometimes could not help reflecting on the difference + betwixt this correspondence and that with lord Percy; yet I was so pressed + forward by the desire of a crown, I could not think of turning back. In + all I wrote I continually praised his resolution of letting me be at a + distance from him, since at this time it conduced indeed to my honor; but, + what was of ten times more weight with me, I thought it was necessary for + his; and I would sooner suffer anything in the world than be any means of + hurt to him, either in his interest or reputation. I always gave some + hints of ill health, with some reflections how necessary the peace of the + mind was to that of the body. By these means I brought him to recall me + again by the most absolute command, which I, for a little time, artfully + delayed (for I knew the impatience of his temper would not bear any + contradictions), till he made my father in a manner force me to what I + most wished, with the utmost appearance of reluctance on my side. When I + had gained this point I began to think which way I could separate the king + from the queen, for hitherto they lived in the same house. The lady Mary, + the queen’s daughter, being then about sixteen, I sought for emissaries of + her own age that I could confide in, to instill into her mind + disrespectful thoughts of her father, and make a jest of the tenderness of + his conscience about the divorce. I knew she had naturally strong + passions, and that young people of that age are apt to think those that + pretend to be their friends are really so, and only speak their minds + freely. I afterwards contrived to have every word she spoke of him carried + to the king, who took it all as I could wish, and fancied those things did + not come at first from the young lady, but from her mother. He would often + talk of it to me, and I agreed with him in his sentiments; but then, as a + great proof of my goodness, I always endeavored to excuse her, by saying a + lady so long time used to be a royal queen might naturally be a little + exasperated with those she fancied would throw her from that station she + so justly deserved. By these sort of plots I found the way to make the + king angry with the queen; for nothing is easier than to make a man angry + with a woman he wants to be rid of, and who stands in the way between him + and his pleasure; so that now the king, on the pretense of the queen’s + obstinacy in a point where his conscience was so tenderly concerned, + parted with her. Everything was now plain before me; I had nothing farther + to do but to let the king alone to his own desires; and I had no reason to + fear, since they had carried him so far, but that they would urge him on + to do everything I aimed at. I was created marchioness of Pembroke. This + dignity sat very easy on me; for the thoughts of a much higher title took + from me all feeling of this; and I looked upon being a marchioness as a + trifle, not that I saw the bauble in its true light, but because it fell + short of what I had figured to myself I should soon obtain. The king’s + desires grew very impatient, and it was not long before I was privately + married to him. I was no sooner his wife than I found all the queen come + upon me; I felt myself conscious of royalty, and even the faces of my most + intimate acquaintance seemed to me to be quite strange. I hardly knew + them: height had turned my head, and I was like a man placed on a + monument, to whose sight all creatures at a great distance below him + appear like so many little pigmies crawling about on the earth; and the + prospect so greatly delighted me, that I did not presently consider that + in both cases descending a few steps erected by human hands would place us + in the number of those very pigmies who appeared so despicable. Our + marriage was kept private for some time, for it was not thought proper to + make it public (the affair of the divorce not being finished) till the + birth of my daughter Elizabeth made it necessary. But all who saw me knew + it; for my manner of speaking and acting was so much changed with my + station, that all around me plainly perceived I was sure I was a queen. + While it was a secret I had yet something to wish for; I could not be + perfectly satisfied till all the world was acquainted with my fortune: but + when my coronation was over, and I was raised to the height of my + ambition, instead of finding myself happy, I was in reality more miserable + than ever; for, besides that the aversion I had naturally to the king was + much more difficult to dissemble after marriage than before, and grew into + a perfect detestation, my imagination, which had thus warmly pursued a + crown, grew cool when I was in the possession of it, and gave me time to + reflect what mighty matter I had gained by all this bustle; and I often + used to think myself in the case of the fox-hunter, who, when he has + toiled and sweated all day in the chase as if some unheard-of blessing was + to crown his success, finds at last all he has got by his labor is a + stinking nauseous animal. But my condition was yet worse than his; for he + leaves the loathsome wretch to be torn by his hounds, whilst I was obliged + to fondle mine, and meanly pretend him to be the object of my love. For + the whole time I was in this envied, this exalted state, I led a continual + life of hypocrisy, which I now know nothing on earth can compensate. I had + no companion but the man I hated. I dared not disclose my sentiments to + any person about me, nor did any one presume to enter into any freedom of + conversation with me; but all who spoke to me talked to the queen, and not + to me; for they would have said just the same things to a dressed-up + puppet, if the king had taken a fancy to call it his wife. And as I knew + every woman in the court was my enemy, from thinking she had much more + right than I had to the place I filled, I thought myself as unhappy as if + I had been placed in a wild wood, where there was no human creature for me + to speak to, in a continual fear of leaving any traces of my footsteps, + lest I should be found by some dreadful monster, or stung by snakes and + adders; for such are spiteful women to the objects of their envy. In this + worst of all situations I was obliged to hide my melancholy and appear + cheerful. This threw me into an error the other way, and I sometimes fell + into a levity in my behavior that was afterwards made use of to my + disadvantage. I had a son deadborn, which I perceived abated something of + the king’s ardor; for his temper could not brook the least disappointment. + This gave me no uneasiness; for, not considering the consequences, I could + not help being best pleased when I had least of his company. Afterwards I + found he had cast his eyes on one of my maids of honor; and, whether it + was owing to any art of hers, or only to the king’s violent passions, I + was in the end used even worse than my former mistress had been by my + means. The decay of the king’s affection was presently seen by all those + court-sycophants who continually watch the motions of royal eyes; and the + moment they found they could be heard against me they turned my most + innocent actions and words, nay, even my very looks, into proofs of the + blackest crimes. The king, who was impatient to enjoy his new love, lent a + willing ear to all my accusers, who found ways of making him jealous that + I was false to his bed. He would not so easily have believed anything + against me before, but he was now glad to flatter himself that he had + found a reason to do just what he had resolved upon without a reason; and + on some slight pretenses and hearsay evidence I was sent to the Tower, + where the lady who was my greatest enemy was appointed to watch me and lie + in the same chamber with me. This was really as bad a punishment as my + death, for she insulted me with those keen reproaches and spiteful + witticisms, which threw me into such vapors and violent fits that I knew + not what I uttered in this condition. She pretended I had confessed + talking ridiculous stuff with a set of low fellows whom I had hardly ever + taken notice of, as could have imposed on none but such as were resolved + to believe. I was brought to my trial, and, to blacken me the more, + accused of conversing criminally with my own brother, whom indeed I loved + extremely well, but never looked on him in any other light than as my + friend. However, I was condemned to be beheaded, or burnt, as the king + pleased; and he was graciously pleased, from the great remains of his + love, to choose the mildest sentence. I was much less shocked at this + manner of ending my life than I should have been in any other station: but + I had had so little enjoyment from the time I had been a queen, that death + was the less dreadful to me. The chief things that lay on my conscience + were the arts I made use of to induce the king to part with the queen, my + ill usage of lady Mary, and my jilting lord Percy. However, I endeavored + to calm my mind as well as I could, and hoped these crimes would be + forgiven me; for in other respects I had led a very innocent life, and + always did all the good-natured actions I found any opportunity of doing. + From the time I had it in my power, I gave a great deal of money amongst + the poor; I prayed very devoutly, and went to my execution very + composedly. Thus I lost my life at the age of twenty-nine, in which short + time I believe I went through more variety of scenes than many people who + live to be very old. I had lived in a court, where I spent my time in + coquetry and gayety; I had experienced what it was to have one of those + violent passions which makes the mind all turbulence and anxiety; I had + had a lover whom I esteemed and valued, and at the latter part of my life + I was raised to a station as high as the vainest woman could wish. But in + all these various changes I never enjoyed any real satisfaction, unless in + the little time I lived retired in the country free from all noise and + hurry, and while I was conscious I was the object of the love and esteem + of a man of sense and honor.” + </p> + <p> + On the conclusion of this history Minos paused for a small time, and then + ordered the gate to be thrown open for Anna Boleyn’s admittance on the + consideration that whoever had suffered being the queen for four years, + and been sensible during all that time of the real misery which attends + that exalted station, ought to be forgiven whatever she had done to obtain + it. <a href="#linknote-11" name="linknoteref-11" id="linknoteref-11"><small>11</small></a> + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_FOOT" id="link2H_FOOT"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Footnotes: + </h2> + <p> + <a name="linknote-1" id="linknote-1"> + <!-- Note --></a> + </p> + <p class="foot"> + 1 (<a href="#linknoteref-1">return</a>)<br /> [ Some doubt whether this + should not be rather 1641, which is a date more agreeable to the account + given of it in the introduction: but then there are some passages which + seem to relate to transactions infinitely later, even within this year or + two. To say the truth there are difficulties attending either conjecture; + so the reader may take which he pleases.] + </p> + <p> + <a name="linknote-2" id="linknote-2"> + <!-- Note --></a> + </p> + <p class="foot"> + 2 (<a href="#linknoteref-2">return</a>)<br /> [ Eyes are not perhaps so + properly adapted to a spiritual substance; but we are here, as in many + other places, obliged to use corporeal terms to make ourselves the better + understood. ] + </p> + <p> + <a name="linknote-3" id="linknote-3"> + <!-- Note --></a> + </p> + <p class="foot"> + 3 (<a href="#linknoteref-3">return</a>)<br /> [ This is the dress in which + the god appears to mortals at the theaters. One of the offices attributed + to this god by the ancients, was to collect the ghosts as a shepherd doth + a flock of sheep, and drive them with his wand into the other world.] + </p> + <p> + <a name="linknote-4" id="linknote-4"> + <!-- Note --></a> + </p> + <p class="foot"> + 4 (<a href="#linknoteref-4">return</a>)<br /> [ Those who have read of the + gods sleeping in Homer will not be surprised at this happening to + spirits.] + </p> + <p> + <a name="linknote-5" id="linknote-5"> + <!-- Note --></a> + </p> + <p class="foot"> + 5 (<a href="#linknoteref-5">return</a>)<br /> [ A particular lady of + quality is meant here; but every lady of quality, or no quality, are + welcome to apply the character to themselves.] + </p> + <p> + <a name="linknote-6" id="linknote-6"> + <!-- Note --></a> + </p> + <p class="foot"> + 6 (<a href="#linknoteref-6">return</a>)<br /> [ We have before made an + apology for this language, which we here repeat for the last time; though + the heart may, we hope, be metaphorically used here with more propriety + than when we apply those passions to the body which belong to the soul.] + </p> + <p> + <a name="linknote-7" id="linknote-7"> + <!-- Note --></a> + </p> + <p class="foot"> + 7 (<a href="#linknoteref-7">return</a>)<br /> [ That we may mention it once + for all, in the panegyrical part of this work some particular person is + always meant: but, in the satirical, nobody.] + </p> + <p> + <a name="linknote-8" id="linknote-8"> + <!-- Note --></a> + </p> + <p class="foot"> + 8 (<a href="#linknoteref-8">return</a>)<br /> [ These ladies, I believe, by + their names, presided over the leprosy, king’s-evil, and scurvy.] + </p> + <p> + <a name="linknote-9" id="linknote-9"> + <!-- Note --></a> + </p> + <p class="foot"> + 9 (<a href="#linknoteref-9">return</a>)<br /> [ This silly story is told as + a solemn truth (i.e., that St. James really appeared in the manner this + fellow is described) by Mariana, 1.7, Section 78.] + </p> + <p> + <a name="linknote-10" id="linknote-10"> + <!-- Note --></a> + </p> + <p class="foot"> + 10 (<a href="#linknoteref-10">return</a>)<br /> [ Here part of the + manuscript is lost, and that a very considerable one, as appears by the + number of the next book and chapter, which contains, I find, the history + of Anna Boleyn; but as to the manner in which it was introduced, or to + whom the narrative is told, we are totally left in the dark. I have only + to remark, that this chapter is, in the original, writ in a woman’s hand: + and, though the observations in it are, I think, as excellent as any in + the whole volume, there seems to be a difference in style between this and + the preceding chapters; and, as it is the character of a woman which is + related, I am inclined to fancy it was really written by one of that sex.] + </p> + <p> + <a name="linknote-11" id="linknote-11"> + <!-- Note --></a> + </p> + <p class="foot"> + 11 (<a href="#linknoteref-11">return</a>)<br /> [ Here ends this curious + manuscript; the rest being destroyed in rolling up pens, tobacco, &c. + It is to be hoped heedless people will henceforth be more cautious what + they burn, or use to other vile purposes; especially when they consider + the fate which had likely to have befallen the divine Milton, and that the + works of Homer were probably discovered in some chandlers shop in Greece.] + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg’s From This World to the Next, by Henry Fielding + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FROM THIS WORLD TO THE NEXT *** + +***** This file should be named 1147-h.htm or 1147-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/4/1147/ + +Produced by Charles Keller + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project +Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the Foundation” + or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the phrase “Project +Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase “Project Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +“Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, “Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.” + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +“Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right +of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’ WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm’s +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws. + +The Foundation’s principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation’s web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + </body> +</html> diff --git a/old/1147.txt b/old/1147.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e35c95a --- /dev/null +++ b/old/1147.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4712 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of From This World to the Next, by Henry Fielding + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: From This World to the Next + +Author: Henry Fielding + +Release Date: July 27, 2008 [EBook #1147] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FROM THIS WORLD TO THE NEXT *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller + + + + + +A JOURNEY FROM THIS WORLD TO THE NEXT + + + +By Henry Fielding + + +CONTENTS: + +INTRODUCTION + + BOOK I + + + CHAPTER I. + The author dies, meets with Mercury, and is by him conducted to + the stage which sets out for the other world + + + CHAPTER II. + In which the author first refutes some idle opinions concerning + spirits, and then the passengers relate their several deaths. + + + CHAPTER III. + The adventures we met with in the City of Diseases + + + CHAPTER IV. + Discourses on the road, and a description of the palace of Death + + + CHAPTER V. + The travelers proceed on their journey, and meet several spirits + who are coming into the flesh + + + CHAPTER VI. + An account of the wheel of fortune, with a method of preparing a + spirit for this world + + + CHAPTER VII. + The proceedings of judge Minos at the gate of Elysium + + + CHAPTER VIII. + The adventures which the author met on his first entrance into Elysium + + + CHAPTER IX. + More adventures in Elysium + + CHAPTER X. + The author is surprised at meeting Julian the apostate in Elysium; + but is satisfied by him by what means he procured his entrance there. + Julian relates his adventures in the character of a slave + + CHAPTER XI. + In which Julian relates his adventures in the character of an + avaricious Jew + + CHAPTER XII. + What happened to Julian in the characters of a general, an heir, + a carpenter, and a beau + + CHAPTER XIII. + Julian passes into a fop + + CHAPTER XIV. + Adventures in the person of a monk + + CHAPTER XV. + Julian passes into the character of a fiddler + + CHAPTER XVI. + The history of the wise man + + CHAPTER XVII. + Julian enters into the person of a king + + CHAPTER XVIII. + Julian passes into a fool + + CHAPTER XIX. + Julian appears in the character of a beggar + + CHAPTER XX. + Julian performs the part of a statesman + + CHAPTER XXI. + Julian's adventures in the post of a soldier + + CHAPTER XXII. + What happened to Julian in the person of a tailor + + CHAPTER XXIII. + The life of alderman Julian + + CHAPTER XXIV. + Julian recounts what happened to him while he was a poet + + CHAPTER XXV. + Julian performs the parts of a knight and a dancing-master + + + BOOK II. + + CHAPTER VII. + Wherein Anna Boleyn relates the history of her life + + + + + +A JOURNEY FROM THIS WORLD TO THE NEXT + + + + +INTRODUCTION + +Whether the ensuing pages were really the dream or vision of some very +pious and holy person; or whether they were really written in the other +world, and sent back to this, which is the opinion of many (though +I think too much inclining to superstition); or lastly, whether, as +infinitely the greatest part imagine, they were really the production +of some choice inhabitant of New Bethlehem, is not necessary nor easy +to determine. It will be abundantly sufficient if I give the reader an +account by what means they came into my possession. Mr. Robert Powney, +stationer, who dwells opposite to Catherine-street in the Strand, a +very honest man and of great gravity of countenance; who, among other +excellent stationery commodities, is particularly eminent for his pens, +which I am abundantly bound to acknowledge, as I owe to their peculiar +goodness that my manuscripts have by any means been legible: this +gentleman, I say, furnished me some time since with a bundle of those +pens, wrapped up with great care and caution, in a very large sheet of +paper full of characters, written as it seemed in a very bad hand. +Now, I have a surprising curiosity to read everything which is almost +illegible; partly perhaps from the sweet remembrance of the dear +Scrawls, Skrawls, or Skrales (for the word is variously spelled), which +I have in my youth received from that lovely part of the creation for +which I have the tenderest regard; and partly from that temper of mind +which makes men set an immense value on old manuscripts so effaced, +bustoes so maimed, and pictures so black that no one can tell what to +make of them. I therefore perused this sheet with wonderful application, +and in about a day's time discovered that I could not understand it. I +immediately repaired to Mr. Powney, and inquired very eagerly whether +he had not more of the same manuscript? He produced about one hundred +pages, acquainting me that he had saved no more; but that the book was +originally a huge folio, had been left in his garret by a gentleman +who lodged there, and who had left him no other satisfaction for nine +months' lodging. He proceeded to inform me that the manuscript had been +hawked about (as he phrased it) among all the booksellers, who refused +to meddle; some alleged that they could not read, others that they could +not understand it. Some would haze it to be an atheistical book, and +some that it was a libel on the government; for one or other of which +reasons they all refused to print it. That it had been likewise shown to +the R--l Society, but they shook their heads, saying, there was nothing +in it wonderful enough for them. That, hearing the gentleman was gone +to the West-Indies, and believing it to be good for nothing else, he had +used it as waste paper. He said I was welcome to what remained, and he +was heartily sorry for what was missing, as I seemed to set some value +on it. + +I desired him much to name a price: but he would receive no +consideration farther than the payment of a small bill I owed him, which +at that time he said he looked on as so much money given him. + +I presently communicated this manuscript to my friend parson Abraham +Adams, who, after a long and careful perusal, returned it me with his +opinion that there was more in it than at first appeared; that the +author seemed not entirely unacquainted with the writings of Plato; but +he wished he had quoted him sometimes in his margin, that I might be +sure (said he) he had read him in the original: for nothing, continued +the parson, is commoner than for men now-a-days to pretend to have read +Greek authors, who have met with them only in translations, and cannot +conjugate a verb in mi. + +To deliver my own sentiments on the occasion, I think the author +discovers a philosophical turn of thinking, with some little knowledge +of the world, and no very inadequate value of it. There are some indeed +who, from the vivacity of their temper and the happiness of their +station, are willing to consider its blessings as more substantial, and +the whole to be a scene of more consequence than it is here represented: +but, without controverting their opinions at present, the number of wise +and good men who have thought with our author are sufficient to keep him +in countenance: nor can this be attended with any ill inference, since +he everywhere teaches this moral: That the greatest and truest happiness +which this world affords, is to be found only in the possession of +goodness and virtue; a doctrine which, as it is undoubtedly true, so +hath it so noble and practical a tendency, that it can never be too +often or too strongly inculcated on the minds of men. + + + + +BOOK I + + + +CHAPTER I + + The author dies, meets with Mercury, and is by him conducted + to the stage which sets out for the other world. + +On the first day of December 1741 [1] I departed this life at my +lodgings in Cheapside. My body had been some time dead before I was at +liberty to quit it, lest it should by any accident return to life: this +is an injunction imposed on all souls by the eternal law of fate, to +prevent the inconveniences which would follow. As soon as the destined +period was expired (being no longer than till the body is become +perfectly cold and stiff) I began to move; but found myself under a +difficulty of making my escape, for the mouth or door was shut, so that +it was impossible for me to go out at it; and the windows, vulgarly +called the eyes, were so closely pulled down by the fingers of a nurse, +that I could by no means open them. At last I perceived a beam of light +glimmering at the top of the house (for such I may call the body I had +been inclosed in), whither ascending, I gently let myself down through a +kind of chimney, and issued out at the nostrils. + +No prisoner discharged from a long confinement ever tasted the sweets +of liberty with a more exquisite relish than I enjoyed in this delivery +from a dungeon wherein I had been detained upwards of forty years, and +with much the same kind of regard I cast my eyes [2] backwards upon it. + +My friends and relations had all quitted the room, being all (as I +plainly overheard) very loudly quarreling below stairs about my +will; there was only an old woman left above to guard the body, as I +apprehend. She was in a fast sleep, occasioned, as from her savor it +seemed, by a comfortable dose of gin. I had no pleasure in this company, +and, therefore, as the window was wide open, I sallied forth into the +open air: but, to my great astonishment, found myself unable to fly, +which I had always during my habitation in the body conceived of +spirits; however, I came so lightly to the ground that I did not hurt +myself; and, though I had not the gift of flying (owing probably to +my having neither feathers nor wings), I was capable of hopping such a +prodigious way at once, that it served my turn almost as well. I had +not hopped far before I perceived a tall young gentleman in a silk +waistcoat, with a wing on his left heel, a garland on his head, and a +caduceus in his right hand. [3] I thought I had seen this person before, +but had not time to recollect where, when he called out to me and asked +me how long I had been departed. I answered I was just come forth. "You +must not stay here," replied he, "unless you had been murdered: in which +case, indeed, you might have been suffered to walk some time; but if you +died a natural death you must set out for the other world immediately." +I desired to know the way. "O," cried the gentleman, "I will show you +to the inn whence the stage proceeds; for I am the porter. Perhaps you +never heard of me--my name is Mercury." "Sure, sir," said I, "I +have seen you at the play-house." Upon which he smiled, and, without +satisfying me as to that point, walked directly forward, bidding me hop +after him. I obeyed him, and soon found myself in Warwick-lane; where +Mercury, making a full stop, pointed at a particular house, where he +bade me enquire for the stage, and, wishing me a good journey, took his +leave, saying he must go seek after other customers. + +I arrived just as the coach was setting out, and found I had no reason +for inquiry; for every person seemed to know my business the moment I +appeared at the door: the coachman told me his horses were to, but +that he had no place left; however, though there were already six, the +passengers offered to make room for me. I thanked them, and ascended +without much ceremony. We immediately began our journey, being seven in +number; for, as the women wore no hoops, three of them were but equal to +two men. Perhaps, reader, thou mayest be pleased with an account of +this whole equipage, as peradventure thou wilt not, while alive, see any +such. The coach was made by an eminent toyman, who is well known to +deal in immaterial substance, that being the matter of which it was +compounded. The work was so extremely fine, that it was entirely +invisible to the human eye. The horses which drew this extraordinary +vehicle were all spiritual, as well as the passengers. They had, +indeed, all died in the service of a certain postmaster; and as for the +coachman, who was a very thin piece of immaterial substance, he had the +honor while alive of driving the Great Peter, or Peter the Great, in +whose service his soul, as well as body, was almost starved to death. +Such was the vehicle in which I set out, and now, those who are not +willing to travel on with me may, if they please, stop here; those who +are, must proceed to the subsequent chapters, in which this journey is +continued. + + + + +CHAPTER II + + In which the author first refutes some idle opinions + concerning spirits, and then the passengers relate their + several deaths. + +It is the common opinion that spirits, like owls, can see in the dark; +nay, and can then most easily be perceived by others. For which reason, +many persons of good understanding, to prevent being terrified with +such objects, usually keep a candle burning by them, that the light may +prevent their seeing. Mr. Locke, in direct opposition to this, hath not +doubted to assert that you may see a spirit in open daylight full as +well as in the darkest night. + +It was very dark when we set out from the inn, nor could we see any +more than if every soul of us had been alive. We had traveled a good way +before any one offered to open his mouth; indeed, most of the company +were fast asleep, [4] but, as I could not close my own eyes, and +perceived the spirit who sat opposite to me to be likewise awake, I +began to make overtures of conversation, by complaining HOW DARK IT WAS. +"And extremely cold too," answered my fellow traveler; "though, I thank +God, as I have no body, I feel no inconvenience from it: but you will +believe, sir, that this frosty air must seem very sharp to one just +issued forth out of an oven; for such was the inflamed habitation I am +lately departed from." "How did you come to your end, sir?" said I. +"I was murdered, sir," answered the gentleman. "I am surprised then," +replied I, "that you did not divert yourself by walking up and down and +playing some merry tricks with the murderer." "Oh, sir," returned he, +"I had not that privilege, I was lawfully put to death. In short, +a physician set me on fire, by giving me medicines to throw out my +distemper. I died of a hot regimen, as they call it, in the small-pox." + +One of the spirits at that word started up and cried out, "The +small-pox! bless me! I hope I am not in company with that distemper, +which I have all my life with such caution avoided, and have so happily +escaped hitherto!" This fright set all the passengers who were awake +into a loud laughter; and the gentleman, recollecting himself, with some +confusion, and not without blushing, asked pardon, crying, "I protest +I dreamed that I was alive." "Perhaps, sir," said I, "you died of that +distemper, which therefore made so strong an impression on you." "No, +sir," answered he, "I never had it in my life; but the continual and +dreadful apprehension it kept me so long under cannot, I see, be so +immediately eradicated. You must know, sir, I avoided coming to London +for thirty years together, for fear of the small-pox, till the most +urgent business brought me thither about five days ago. I was so +dreadfully afraid of this disease that I refused the second night of +my arrival to sup with a friend whose wife had recovered of it several +months before, and the same evening got a surfeit by eating too many +muscles, which brought me into this good company." + +"I will lay a wager," cried the spirit who sat next him, "there is not +one in the coach able to guess my distemper." I desired the favor of him +to acquaint us with it, if it was so uncommon. "Why, sir," said he, "I +died of honor."--"Of honor, sir!" repeated I, with some surprise. "Yes, +sir," answered the spirit, "of honor, for I was killed in a duel." + +"For my part," said a fair spirit, "I was inoculated last summer, and +had the good fortune to escape with a very few marks on my face. I +esteemed myself now perfectly happy, as I imagined I had no restraint +to a full enjoyment of the diversions of the town; but within a few days +after my coming up I caught cold by overdancing myself at a ball, and +last night died of a violent fever." + +After a short silence which now ensued, the fair spirit who spoke last, +it being now daylight, addressed herself to a female who sat next her, +and asked her to what chance they owed the happiness of her company. She +answered, she apprehended to a consumption, but the physicians were not +agreed concerning her distemper, for she left two of them in a very hot +dispute about it when she came out of her body. "And pray, madam," said +the same spirit to the sixth passenger, "How came you to leave the other +world?" But that female spirit, screwing up her mouth, answered, she +wondered at the curiosity of some people; that perhaps persons had +already heard some reports of her death, which were far from being true; +that, whatever was the occasion of it, she was glad at being delivered +from a world in which she had no pleasure, and where there was nothing +but nonsense and impertinence; particularly among her own sex, whose +loose conduct she had long been entirely ashamed of. + +The beauteous spirit, perceiving her question gave offense, pursued it +no farther. She had indeed all the sweetness and good-humor which are +so extremely amiable (when found) in that sex which tenderness most +exquisitely becomes. Her countenance displayed all the cheerfulness, the +good-nature, and the modesty, which diffuse such brightness round the +beauty of Seraphina, [5] awing every beholder with respect, and, at the +same time, ravishing him with admiration. Had it not been indeed for +our conversation on the small-pox, I should have imagined we had been +honored with her identical presence. This opinion might have been +heightened by the good sense she uttered whenever she spoke, by the +delicacy of her sentiments, and the complacence of her behavior, +together with a certain dignity which attended every look, word, and +gesture; qualities which could not fail making an impression on a heart +[6] so capable of receiving it as mine, nor was she long in raising in +me a very violent degree of seraphic love. I do not intend by this, that +sort of love which men are very properly said to make to women in the +lower world, and which seldom lasts any longer than while it is +making. I mean by seraphic love an extreme delicacy and tenderness of +friendship, of which, my worthy reader, if thou hast no conception, as +it is probable thou mayest not, my endeavor to instruct thee would be as +fruitless as it would be to explain the most difficult problems of Sir +Isaac Newton to one ignorant of vulgar arithmetic. + +To return therefore to matters comprehensible by all understandings: +the discourse now turned on the vanity, folly, and misery of the lower +world, from which every passenger in the coach expressed the highest +satisfaction in being delivered; though it was very remarkable that, +notwithstanding the joy we declared at our death, there was not one of +us who did not mention the accident which occasioned it as a thing we +would have avoided if we could. Nay, the very grave lady herself, who +was the forwardest in testifying her delight, confessed inadvertently +that she left a physician by her bedside; and the gentleman who died +of honor very liberally cursed both his folly and his fencing. While +we were entertaining ourselves with these matters, on a sudden a most +offensive smell began to invade our nostrils. This very much resembled +the savor which travelers in summer perceive at their approach to that +beautiful village of the Hague, arising from those delicious canals +which, as they consist of standing water, do at that time emit odors +greatly agreeable to a Dutch taste, but not so pleasant to any other. +Those perfumes, with the assistance of a fair wind, begin to affect +persons of quick olfactory nerves at a league's distance, and increase +gradually as you approach. In the same manner did the smell I have just +mentioned, more and more invade us, till one of the spirits, looking out +of the coach-window, declared we were just arrived at a very large +city; and indeed he had scarce said so before we found ourselves in the +suburbs, and, at the same time, the coachman, being asked by another, +informed us that the name of this place was the City of Diseases. The +road to it was extremely smooth, and, excepting the above-mentioned +savor, delightfully pleasant. The streets of the suburbs were lined +with bagnios, taverns, and cooks' shops: in the first we saw several +beautiful women, but in tawdry dresses, looking out at the windows; and +in the latter were visibly exposed all kinds of the richest dainties; +but on our entering the city we found, contrary to all we had seen in +the other world, that the suburbs were infinitely pleasanter than the +city itself. It was indeed a very dull, dark, and melancholy place. Few +people appeared in the streets, and these, for the most part, were old +women, and here and there a formal grave gentleman, who seemed to be +thinking, with large tie-wigs on, and amber-headed canes in their hands. +We were all in hopes that our vehicle would not stop here; but, to our +sorrow, the coach soon drove into an inn, and we were obliged to alight. + + + + +CHAPTER III + + The adventures we met with in the City of Diseases. + +We had not been long arrived in our inn, where it seems we were to spend +the remainder of the day, before our host acquainted us that it was +customary for all spirits, in their passage through that city, to pay +their respects to that lady Disease, to whose assistance they had owed +their deliverance from the lower world. We answered we should not +fail in any complacence which was usual to others; upon which our host +replied he would immediately send porters to conduct us. He had not long +quitted the room before we were attended by some of those grave persons +whom I have before described in large tie-wigs with amber-headed canes. +These gentlemen are the ticket-porters in the city, and their canes are +the insignia, or tickets, denoting their office. We informed them of +the several ladies to whom we were obliged, and were preparing to follow +them, when on a sudden they all stared at one another, and left us in +a hurry, with a frown on every countenance. We were surprised at this +behavior, and presently summoned the host, who was no sooner acquainted +with it than he burst into an hearty laugh, and told us the reason was, +because we did not fee the gentlemen the moment they came in, according +to the custom of the place. We answered, with some confusion, we had +brought nothing with us from the other world, which we had been all our +lives informed was not lawful to do. "No, no, master," replied the host; +"I am apprised of that, and indeed it was my fault. I should have first +sent you to my lord Scrape, [7] who would have supplied you with what +you want." "My lord Scrape supply us!" said I, with astonishment: "sure +you must know we cannot give him security; and I am convinced he never +lent a shilling without it in his life." "No, sir," answered the host, +"and for that reason he is obliged to do it here, where he is sentenced +to keep a bank, and to distribute money gratis to all passengers. This +bank originally consisted of just that sum, which he had miserably +hoarded up in the other world, and he is to perceive it decrease visibly +one shilling a-day, till it is totally exhausted; after which he is to +return to the other world, and perform the part of a miser for seventy +years; then, being purified in the body of a hog, he is to enter the +human species again, and take a second trial." "Sir," said I, "you tell +me wonders: but if his bank be to decrease only a shilling a day, how +can he furnish all passengers?" "The rest," answered the host, "is +supplied again; but in a manner which I cannot easily explain to you." +"I apprehend," said I, "this distribution of his money is inflicted on +him as a punishment; but I do not see how it can answer that end, when +he knows it is to be restored to him again. Would it not serve the +purpose as well if he parted only with the single shilling, which it +seems is all he is really to lose?" "Sir," cries the host, "when you +observe the agonies with which he parts with every guinea, you will +be of another opinion. No prisoner condemned to death ever begged so +heartily for transportation as he, when he received his sentence, did +to go to hell, provided he might carry his money with him. But you will +know more of these things when you arrive at the upper world; and now, +if you please, I will attend you to my lord's, who is obliged to supply +you with whatever you desire." + +We found his lordship sitting at the upper end of a table, on which was +an immense sum of money, disposed in several heaps, every one of which +would have purchased the honor of some patriots and the chastity of +some prudes. The moment he saw us he turned pale, and sighed, as well +apprehending our business. Mine host accosted him with a familiar air, +which at first surprised me, who so well remembered the respect I had +formerly seen paid this lord by men infinitely superior in quality to +the person who now saluted him in the following manner: "Here, you lord, +and be dam--d to your little sneaking soul, tell out your money, and +supply your betters with what they want. Be quick, sirrah, or I'll fetch +the beadle to you. Don't fancy yourself in the lower world again, with +your privilege at your a--." He then shook a cane at his lordship, who +immediately began to tell out his money, with the same miserable air +and face which the miser on our stage wears while he delivers his +bank-bills. This affected some of us so much that we had certainly +returned with no more than what would have been sufficient to fee the +porters, had not our host, perceiving our compassion, begged us not to +spare a fellow who, in the midst of immense wealth, had always refused +the least contribution to charity. Our hearts were hardened with this +reflection, and we all filled our pockets with his money. I remarked a +poetical spirit, in particular, who swore he would have a hearty gripe +at him: "For," says he, "the rascal not only refused to subscribe to +my works, but sent back my letter unanswered, though I am a better +gentleman than himself." We now returned from this miserable object, +greatly admiring the propriety as well as justice of his punishment, +which consisted, as our host informed us, merely in the delivering forth +his money; and, he observed, we could not wonder at the pain this gave +him, since it was as reasonable that the bare parting with money should +make him miserable as that the bare having money without using it should +have made him happy. Other tie-wig porters (for those we had summoned +before refused to visit us again) now attended us; and we having fee'd +them the instant they entered the room, according to the instructions of +our host, they bowed and smiled, and offered to introduce us to whatever +disease we pleased. + +We set out several ways, as we were all to pay our respects to different +ladies. I directed my porter to show me to the Fever on the Spirits, +being the disease which had delivered me from the flesh. My guide and I +traversed many streets, and knocked at several doors, but to no purpose. +At one, we were told, lived the Consumption; at another, the Maladie +Alamode, a French lady; at the third, the Dropsy; at the fourth, the +Rheumatism; at the fifth, Intemperance; at the sixth, Misfortune. I was +tired, and had exhausted my patience, and almost my purse; for I gave my +porter a new fee at every blunder he made: when my guide, with a solemn +countenance, told me he could do no more; and marched off without any +farther ceremony. + +He was no sooner gone than I met another gentleman with a ticket, i. e., +an amber-headed cane in his hand. I first fee'd him, and then acquainted +him with the name of the disease. He cast himself for two or three +minutes into a thoughtful posture, then pulled a piece of paper out +of his pocket, on which he wrote something in one of the Oriental +languages, I believe, for I could not read a syllable: he bade me carry +it to such a particular shop, and, telling me it would do my business, +he took his leave. + +Secure, as I now thought myself, of my direction, I went to the shop, +which very much resembled an apothecary's. The person who officiated, +having read the paper, took down about twenty different jars, and, +pouring something out of every one of them, made a mixture, which he +delivered to me in a bottle, having first tied a paper round the neck +of it, on which were written three or four words, the last containing +eleven syllables. I mentioned the name of the disease I wanted to +find out, but received no other answer than that he had done as he was +ordered, and the drugs were excellent. I began now to be enraged, and, +quitting the shop with some anger in my countenance, I intended to find +out my inn, but, meeting in the way a porter whose countenance had in it +something more pleasing than ordinary, I resolved to try once more, and +clapped a fee into his hand. As soon as I mentioned the disease to him +he laughed heartily, and told me I had been imposed on, for in reality +no such disease was to be found in that city. He then inquired into the +particulars of my case, and was no sooner acquainted with them than he +informed me that the Maladie Alamode was the lady to whom I was obliged. +I thanked him, and immediately went to pay my respects to her. The +house, or rather palace, of this lady was one of the most beautiful +and magnificent in the city. The avenue to it was planted with sycamore +trees, with beds of flowers on each side; it was extremely pleasant but +short. I was conducted through a magnificent hall, adorned with several +statues and bustoes, most of them maimed, whence I concluded them all +to be true antiques; but was informed they were the figures of several +modern heroes, who had died martyrs to her ladyship's cause. I next +mounted through a large painted staircase, where several persons were +depicted in caricatura; and, upon inquiry, was told they were the +portraits of those who had distinguished themselves against the lady +in the lower world. I suppose I should have known the faces of many +physicians and surgeons, had they not been so violently distorted by +the painter. Indeed, he had exerted so much malice in his work, that I +believe he had himself received some particular favors from the lady of +this mansion: it is difficult to conceive a group of stranger figures. I +then entered a long room, hung round with the pictures of women of such +exact shapes and features that I should have thought myself in a gallery +of beauties, had not a certain sallow paleness in their complexions +given me a more distasteful idea. Through this I proceeded to a second +apartment, adorned, if I may so call it, with the figures of old ladies. +Upon my seeming to admire at this furniture, the servant told me with +a smile that these had been very good friends of his lady, and had done +her eminent service in the lower world. I immediately recollected the +faces of one or two of my acquaintance, who had formerly kept bagnios; +but was very much surprised to see the resemblance of a lady of great +distinction in such company. The servant, upon my mentioning this, made +no other answer than that his lady had pictures of all degrees. I was +now introduced into the presence of the lady herself. She was a thin, or +rather meager, person, very wan in the countenance, had no nose and many +pimples in her face. She offered to rise at my entrance, but could not +stand. After many compliments, much congratulation on her side, and +the most fervent expressions of gratitude on mine, she asked me many +questions concerning the situation of her affairs in the lower world; +most of which I answered to her entire satisfaction. At last, with +a kind of forced smile, she said, "I suppose the pill and drop go on +swimmingly?" I told her they were reported to have done great cures. +She replied she could apprehend no danger from any person who was not +of regular practice; "for, however simple mankind are," said she, "or +however afraid they are of death, they prefer dying in a regular manner +to being cured by a nostrum." She then expressed great pleasure at the +account I gave her of the beau monde. She said she had herself removed +the hundreds of Drury to the hundreds of Charing-cross, and was very +much delighted to find they had spread into St. James's; that she +imputed this chiefly to several of her dear and worthy friends, who had +lately published their excellent works, endeavoring to extirpate all +notions of religion and virtue; and particularly to the deserving author +of the Bachelor's Estimate; "to whom," said she, "if I had not reason to +think he was a surgeon, and had therefore written from mercenary views, +I could never sufficiently own my obligations." She spoke likewise +greatly in approbation of the method, so generally used by parents, of +marrying children very young, and without the least affection between +the parties; and concluded by saying that, if these fashions continued +to spread, she doubted not but she should shortly be the only disease +who would ever receive a visit from any person of considerable rank. + +While we were discoursing her three daughters entered the room. They +were all called by hard names; the eldest was named Lepra, the second +Chaeras, and the third Scorbutia. [8] They were all genteel, but ugly. +I could not help observing the little respect they paid their parent, +which the old lady remarking in my countenance, as soon as they quitted +the room, which soon happened, acquainted me with her unhappiness in her +offspring, every one of which had the confidence to deny themselves to +be her children, though she said she had been a very indulgent mother +and had plentifully provided for them all. As family complaints +generally as much tire the hearer as they relieve him who makes them, +when I found her launching farther into this subject I resolved to put +an end to my visit, and, taking my leave with many thanks for the +favor she had done me, I returned to the inn, where I found my +fellow-travelers just mounting into their vehicle. I shook hands with +my host and accompanied them into the coach, which immediately after +proceeded on its journey. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + + Discourses on the road, and a description of the palace of + Death. + +We were all silent for some minutes, till, being well shaken into our +several seats, I opened my mouth first, and related what had happened to +me after our separation in the city we had just left. + +The rest of the company, except the grave female spirit whom our reader +may remember to have refused giving an account of the distemper which +occasioned her dissolution, did the same. It might be tedious to relate +these at large; we shall therefore only mention a very remarkable +inveteracy which the Surfeit declared to all the other diseases, +especially to the Fever, who, she said, by the roguery of the porters, +received acknowledgments from numberless passengers which were due to +herself. "Indeed," says she, "those cane-headed fellows" (for so she +called them, alluding, I suppose, to their ticket) "are constantly +making such mistakes; there is no gratitude in those fellows; for I +am sure they have greater obligations to me than to any other disease, +except the Vapors." These relations were no sooner over than one of the +company informed us we were approaching to the most noble building he +had ever beheld, and which we learned from our coachman was the palace +of Death. Its outside, indeed, appeared extremely magnificent. Its +structure was of the Gothic order; vast beyond imagination, the +whole pile consisting of black marble. Rows of immense yews form an +amphitheater round it of such height and thickness that no ray of the +sun ever perforates this grove, where black eternal darkness would reign +was it not excluded by innumerable lamps which are placed in pyramids +round the grove; so that the distant reflection they cast on the palace, +which is plentifully gilt with gold on the outside, is inconceivably +solemn. To this I may add the hollow murmur of winds constantly heard +from the grove, and the very remote sound of roaring waters. Indeed, +every circumstance seems to conspire to fill the mind with horror and +consternation as we approach to this palace, which we had scarce time +to admire before our vehicle stopped at the gate, and we were desired +to alight in order to pay our respects to his most mortal majesty (this +being the title which it seems he assumes). The outward court was full +of soldiers, and, indeed, the whole very much resembled the state of an +earthly monarch, only more magnificent. We passed through several courts +into a vast hall, which led to a spacious staircase, at the bottom of +which stood two pages, with very grave countenances, whom I recollected +afterwards to have formerly been very eminent undertakers, and were in +reality the only dismal faces I saw here; for this palace, so awful and +tremendous without, is all gay and sprightly within; so that we soon +lost all those dismal and gloomy ideas we had contracted in approaching +it. Indeed, the still silence maintained among the guards and attendants +resembled rather the stately pomp of eastern courts; but there was on +every face such symptoms of content and happiness that diffused an air +of cheerfulness all round. We ascended the staircase and passed +through many noble apartments whose walls were adorned with various +battle-pieces in tapistry, and which we spent some time in observing. +These brought to my mind those beautiful ones I had in my lifetime seen +at Blenheim, nor could I prevent my curiosity from inquiring where +the Duke of Marlborough's victories were placed (for I think they were +almost the only battles of any eminence I had read of which I did not +meet with); when the skeleton of a beef-eater, shaking his head, told me +a certain gentleman, one Lewis XIV, who had great interest with his +most mortal majesty, had prevented any such from being hung up there. +"Besides," says he, "his majesty hath no great respect for that duke, +for he never sent him a subject he could keep from him, nor did he ever +get a single subject by his means but he lost 1000 others for him." We +found the presence-chamber at our entrance very full, and a buzz ran +through it, as in all assemblies, before the principal figure enters; +for his majesty was not yet come out. At the bottom of the room were two +persons in close conference, one with a square black cap on his head, +and the other with a robe embroidered with flames of fire. These, I was +informed, were a judge long since dead, and an inquisitor-general. I +overheard them disputing with great eagerness whether the one had hanged +or the other burned the most. While I was listening to this dispute, +which seemed to be in no likelihood of a speedy decision, the emperor +entered the room and placed himself between two figures, one of which +was remarkable for the roughness, and the other for the beauty of his +appearance. These were, it seems, Charles XII of Sweden and Alexander of +Macedon. I was at too great a distance to hear any of the conversation, +so could only satisfy my curiosity by contemplating the several +personages present, of whose names I informed myself by a page, who +looked as pale and meager as any court-page in the other world, but was +somewhat more modest. He showed me here two or three Turkish emperors, +to whom his most mortal majesty seemed to express much civility. Here +were likewise several of the Roman emperors, among whom none seemed so +much caressed as Caligula, on account, as the page told me, of his pious +wish that he could send all the Romans hither at one blow. The reader +may be perhaps surprised that I saw no physicians here; as indeed I +was myself, till informed that they were all departed to the city +of Diseases, where they were busy in an experiment to purge away the +immortality of the soul. + +It would be tedious to recollect the many individuals I saw here, but +I cannot omit a fat figure, well dressed in the French fashion, who +was received with extraordinary complacence by the emperor, and whom I +imagined to be Lewis XIV himself; but the page acquainted me he was +a celebrated French cook. We were at length introduced to the royal +presence, and had the honor to kiss hands. His majesty asked us a few +questions, not very material to relate, and soon after retired. When we +returned into the yard we found our caravan ready to set out, at which +we all declared ourselves well pleased; for we were sufficiently tired +with the formality of a court, notwithstanding its outward splendor and +magnificence. + + + + +CHAPTER V + + The travelers proceed on their journey, and meet several + spirits who are coming into the flesh. + +We now came to the banks of the great river Cocytus, where we quitted +our vehicle, and passed the water in a boat, after which we were obliged +to travel on foot the rest of our journey; and now we met, for the +first time, several passengers traveling to the world we had left, who +informed us they were souls going into the flesh. + +The two first we met were walking arm-in-arm, in very close and friendly +conference; they informed us that one of them was intended for a duke, +and the other for a hackney-coachman. As we had not yet arrived at the +place where we were to deposit our passions, we were all surprised +at the familiarity which subsisted between persons of such different +degrees; nor could the grave lady help expressing her astonishment +at it. The future coachman then replied, with a laugh, that they had +exchanged lots; for that the duke had with his dukedom drawn a shrew for +a wife, and the coachman only a single state. + +As we proceeded on our journey we met a solemn spirit walking alone +with great gravity in his countenance: our curiosity invited us, +notwithstanding his reserve, to ask what lot he had drawn. + +He answered, with a smile, he was to have the reputation of a wise man +with L100,000 in his pocket, and was practicing the solemnity which he +was to act in the other world. A little farther we met a company of very +merry spirits, whom we imagined by their mirth to have drawn some mighty +lot, but, on inquiry, they informed us they were to be beggars. + +The farther we advanced, the greater numbers we met; and now we +discovered two large roads leading different ways, and of very different +appearance; the one all craggy with rocks, full as it seemed of boggy +grounds, and everywhere beset with briars, so that it was impossible to +pass through it without the utmost danger and difficulty; the other, the +most delightful imaginable, leading through the most verdant meadows, +painted and perfumed with all kinds of beautiful flowers; in short, +the most wanton imagination could imagine nothing more lovely. +Notwithstanding which, we were surprised to see great numbers crowding +into the former, and only one or two solitary spirits choosing the +latter. + +On inquiry, we were acquainted that the bad road was the way to +greatness, and the other to goodness. When we expressed our surprise at +the preference given to the former we were acquainted that it was chosen +for the sake of the music of drums and trumpets, and the perpetual +acclamations of the mob, with which those who traveled this way were +constantly saluted. We were told likewise that there were several noble +palaces to be seen, and lodged in, on this road, by those who had passed +through the difficulties of it (which indeed many were not able to +surmount), and great quantities of all sorts of treasure to be found in +it; whereas the other had little inviting more than the beauty of the +way, scarce a handsome building, save one greatly resembling a certain +house by the Bath, to be seen during that whole journey; and, lastly, +that it was thought very scandalous and mean-spirited to travel through +this, and as highly honorable and noble to pass by the other. We now +heard a violent noise, when, casting our eyes forwards, we perceived a +vast number of spirits advancing in pursuit of one whom they mocked +and insulted with all kinds of scorn. I cannot give my reader a more +adequate idea of this scene than by comparing it to an English mob +conducting a pickpocket to the water; or by supposing that an incensed +audience at a playhouse had unhappily possessed themselves of the +miserable damned poet. Some laughed, some hissed, some squalled, some +groaned, some bawled, some spit at him, some threw dirt at him. It was +impossible not to ask who or what the wretched spirit was whom they +treated in this barbarous manner; when, to our great surprise, we were +informed that it was a king: we were likewise told that this manner +of behavior was usual among the spirits to those who drew the lots of +emperors, kings, and other great men, not from envy or anger, but mere +derision and contempt of earthly grandeur; that nothing was more common +than for those who had drawn these great prizes (as to us they seemed) +to exchange them with tailors and cobblers; and that Alexander the +Great and Diogenes had formerly done so; he that was afterwards Diogenes +having originally fallen on the lot of Alexander. And now, on a sudden, +the mockery ceased, and the king-spirit, having obtained a hearing, +began to speak as follows; for we were now near enough to hear him +distinctly:-- + +"GENTLEMEN,--I am justly surprised at your treating me in this manner, +since whatever lot I have drawn, I did not choose: if, therefore, it +be worthy of derision, you should compassionate me, for it might have +fallen to any of your shares. I know in how low a light the station to +which fate hath assigned me is considered here, and that, when ambition +doth not support it, it becomes generally so intolerable, that there +is scarce any other condition for which it is not gladly exchanged: for +what portion, in the world to which we are going, is so miserable as +that of care? Should I therefore consider myself as become by this lot +essentially your superior, and of a higher order of being than the rest +of my fellow-creatures; should I foolishly imagine myself without wisdom +superior to the wise, without knowledge to the learned, without courage +to the brave, and without goodness and virtue to the good and virtuous; +surely so preposterous, so absurd a pride, would justly render me the +object of ridicule. But far be it from me to entertain it. And yet, +gentlemen, I prize the lot I have drawn, nor would I exchange it with +any of yours, seeing it is in my eye so much greater than the rest. +Ambition, which I own myself possessed of, teaches me this; ambition, +which makes me covet praise, assures me that I shall enjoy a much larger +proportion of it than can fall within your power either to deserve or +obtain. I am then superior to you all, when I am able to do more good, +and when I execute that power. What the father is to the son, the +guardian to the orphan, or the patron to his client, that am I to you. +You are my children, to whom I will be a father, a guardian, and a +patron. Not one evening in my long reign (for so it is to be) will +I repose myself to rest without the glorious, the heart-warming +consideration, that thousands that night owe their sweetest rest to me. +What a delicious fortune is it to him whose strongest appetite is doing +good, to have every day the opportunity and the power of satisfying it! +If such a man hath ambition, how happy is it for him to be seated so on +high, that every act blazes abroad, and attracts to him praises tainted +with neither sarcasm nor adulation, but such as the nicest and most +delicate mind may relish! Thus, therefore, while you derive your good +from me, I am your superior. If to my strict distribution of justice +you owe the safety of your property from domestic enemies; if by my +vigilance and valor you are protected from foreign foes; if by my +encouragement of genuine industry, every science, every art which can +embellish or sweeten life, is produced and flourishes among you; will +any of you be so insensible or ungrateful as to deny praise and respect +to him by whose care and conduct you enjoy these blessings? I wonder not +at the censure which so frequently falls on those in my station; but I +wonder that those in my station so frequently deserve it. What strange +perverseness of nature! What wanton delight in mischief must taint his +composition, who prefers dangers, difficulty, and disgrace, by doing +evil, to safety, ease, and honor, by doing good! who refuses happiness +in the other world, and heaven in this, for misery there and hell here! +But, be assured, my intentions are different. I shall always endeavor +the ease, the happiness, and the glory of my people, being confident +that, by so doing, I take the most certain method of procuring them +all to myself."--He then struck directly into the road of goodness, +and received such a shout of applause as I never remember to have +heard equaled. He was gone a little way when a spirit limped after him, +swearing he would fetch him back. + +This spirit, I was presently informed, was one who had drawn the lot of +his prime minister. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + + An account of the wheel of fortune, with a method of + preparing a spirit for this world. + +We now proceeded on our journey, without staying to see whether he +fulfilled his word or no; and without encountering anything worth +mentioning, came to the place where the spirits on their passage to the +other world were obliged to decide by lot the station in which every +one was to act there. Here was a monstrous wheel, infinitely larger than +those in which I had formerly seen lottery-tickets deposited. This was +called the WHEEL OF FORTUNE. + +The goddess herself was present. She was one of the most deformed +females I ever beheld; nor could I help observing the frowns she +expressed when any beautiful spirit of her own sex passed by her, nor +the affability which smiled in her countenance on the approach of any +handsome male spirits. Hence I accounted for the truth of an observation +I had often made on earth, that nothing is more fortunate than handsome +men, nor more unfortunate than handsome women. The reader may be perhaps +pleased with an account of the whole method of equipping a spirit for +his entrance into the flesh. + +First, then, he receives from a very sage person, whose look much +resembled that of an apothecary (his warehouse likewise bearing an +affinity to an apothecary's shop), a small phial inscribed, THE PATHETIC +POTION, to be taken just before you are born. This potion is a mixture +of all the passions, but in no exact proportion, so that sometimes one +predominates, and sometimes another; nay, often in the hurry of making +up, one particular ingredient is, as we were informed, left out. The +spirit receiveth at the same time another medicine called the NOUSPHORIC +DECOCTION, of which he is to drink ad libitum. This decoction is an +extract from the faculties of the mind, sometimes extremely strong and +spirituous, and sometimes altogether as weak; for very little care is +taken in the preparation. This decoction is so extremely bitter and +unpleasant, that, notwithstanding its wholesomeness, several spirits +will not be persuaded to swallow a drop of it, but throw it away, or +give it to any other who will receive it; by which means some who were +not disgusted by the nauseousness drank double and treble portions. +I observed a beautiful young female, who, tasting it immediately from +curiosity, screwed up her face and cast it from her with great disdain, +whence advancing presently to the wheel, she drew a coronet, which +she clapped up so eagerly that I could not distinguish the degree; and +indeed I observed several of the same sex, after a very small sip, throw +the bottles away. As soon as the spirit is dismissed by the operator, +or apothecary, he is at liberty to approach the wheel, where he hath a +right to extract a single lot: but those whom Fortune favors she permits +sometimes secretly to draw three or four. I observed a comical kind of +figure who drew forth a handful, which, when he opened, were a bishop, +a general, a privy-counselor, a player, and a poet-laureate, and, +returning the three first, he walked off, smiling, with the two last. +Every single lot contained two more articles, which were generally +disposed so as to render the lots as equal as possible to each other; on +one was written, EARL, RICHES, HEALTH, DISQUIETUDE; on another, COBLER, +SICKNESS, GOOD-HUMOR; on a third, POET, CONTEMPT, SELF-SATISFACTION; on +a fourth, GENERAL, HONOR, DISCONTENT; on a fifth, COTTAGE, HAPPY LOVE; +on a sixth, COACH AND SIX, IMPOTENT JEALOUS HUSBAND; on a seventh, +PRIME MINISTER, DISGRACE; on an eighth, PATRIOT, GLORY; on a ninth, +PHILOSOPHER, POVERTY, EASE; on a tenth, MERCHANT, RICHES, CARE. And +indeed the whole seemed to contain such a mixture of good and evil, that +it would have puzzled me which to choose. I must not omit here that +in every lot was directed whether the drawer should marry or remain in +celibacy, the married lots being all marked with a large pair of horns. +We were obliged, before we quitted this place, to take each of us an +emetic from the apothecary, which immediately purged us of all our +earthly passions, and presently the cloud forsook our eyes, as it doth +those of Aeneas in Virgil, when removed by Venus; and we discerned +things in a much clearer light than before. We began to compassionate +those spirits who were making their entry into the flesh, whom we had +till then secretly envied, and to long eagerly for those delightful +plains which now opened themselves to our eyes, and to which we now +hastened with the utmost eagerness. On our way we met with several +spirits with very dejected countenances; but our expedition would not +suffer us to ask any questions. At length we arrived at the gate of +Elysium. Here was a prodigious crowd of spirits waiting for admittance, +some of whom were admitted, and some were rejected; for all were +strictly examined by the porter, whom I soon discovered to be the +celebrated judge Minos. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + + The proceedings of judge Minos at the gate of Elysium. + +I now got near enough to the gate to hear the several claims of those +who endeavored to pass. The first among other pretensions, set forth +that he had been very liberal to an hospital; but Minos answered, +"Ostentation," and repulsed him. The second exhibited that he had +constantly frequented his church, been a rigid observer of fast-days: he +likewise represented the great animosity he had shown to vice in others, +which never escaped his severest censure; and as to his own behavior, he +had never been once guilty of whoring, drinking, gluttony, or any other +excess. He said he had disinherited his son for getting a bastard. "Have +you so?" said Minos; "then pray return into the other world and beget +another; for such an unnatural rascal shall never pass this gate." A +dozen others, who had advanced with very confident countenances, seeing +him rejected, turned about of their own accord, declaring, if he could +not pass, they had no expectation, and accordingly they followed him +back to earth; which was the fate of all who were repulsed, they being +obliged to take a further purification, unless those who were guilty +of some very heinous crimes, who were hustled in at a little back gate, +whence they tumbled immediately into the bottomless pit. + +The next spirit that came up declared he had done neither good nor evil +in the world; for that since his arrival at man's estate he had spent +his whole time in search of curiosities; and particularly in the study +of butterflies, of which he had collected an immense number. Minos made +him no answer, but with great scorn pushed him back. There now advanced +a very beautiful spirit indeed. She began to ogle Minos the moment she +saw him. She said she hoped there was some merit in refusing a great +number of lovers, and dying a maid, though she had had the choice of +a hundred. Minos told her she had not refused enow yet, and turned her +back. + +She was succeeded by a spirit who told the judge he believed his works +would speak for him. "What works?" answered Minos. "My dramatic works," +replied the other, "which have done so much good in recommending virtue +and punishing vice." "Very well," said the judge; "if you please to +stand by, the first person who passes the gate by your means shall +carry you in with him; but, if you will take my advice, I think, for +expedition sake, you had better return, and live another life upon +earth." The bard grumbled at this, and replied that, besides his +poetical works, he had done some other good things: for that he had once +lent the whole profits of a benefit-night to a friend, and by that means +had saved him and his family from destruction. Upon this the gate flew +open, and Minos desired him to walk in, telling him, if he had mentioned +this at first, he might have spared the remembrance of his plays. The +poet answered, he believed, if Minos had read his works, he would set a +higher value on them. He was then beginning to repeat, but Minos pushed +him forward, and, turning his back to him, applied himself to the next +passenger, a very genteel spirit, who made a very low bow to Minos, and +then threw himself into an erect attitude, and imitated the motion of +taking snuff with his right hand. Minos asked him what he had to say +for himself. He answered, he would dance a minuet with any spirit in +Elysium: that he could likewise perform all his other exercises very +well, and hoped he had in his life deserved the character of a perfect +fine gentleman. Minos replied it would be great pity to rob the world of +so fine a gentleman, and therefore desired him to take the other trip. +The beau bowed, thanked the judge, and said he desired no better. + +Several spirits expressed much astonishment at this his satisfaction; +but we were afterwards informed he had not taken the emetic above +mentioned. + +A miserable old spirit now crawled forwards, whose face I thought I had +formerly seen near Westminster Abbey. He entertained Minos with a long +harangue of what he had done when in the HOUSE; and then proceeded to +inform him how much he was worth, without attempting to produce a +single instance of any one good action. Minos stopped the career of his +discourse, and acquainted him he must take a trip back again. + +"What! to S---- house?" said the spirit in an ecstasy; but the judge, +without making him any answer, turned to another, who with a very +solemn air and great dignity, acquainted him he was a duke. "To the +right-about, Mr. Duke," cried Minos, "you are infinitely too great a +man for Elysium;" and then, giving him a kick on the b--ch, he addressed +himself to a spirit who, with fear and trembling, begged he might not +go to the bottomless pit: he said he hoped Minos would consider that, +though he had gone astray, he had suffered for it--that it was necessity +which drove him to the robbery of eighteenpence, which he had committed, +and for which he was hanged--that he had done some good actions in his +life--that he had supported an aged parent with his labor--that he had +been a very tender husband and a kind father--and that he had ruined +himself by being bail for his friend. At which words the gate opened, +and Minos bade him enter, giving him a slap on the back as he passed by +him. A great number of spirits now came forwards, who all declared +they had the same claim, and that the captain should speak for them. +He acquainted the judge that they had been all slain in the service of +their country. Minos was going to admit them, but had the curiosity to +ask who had been the invader, in order, as he said, to prepare the +back gate for him. The captain answered they had been the invaders +themselves--that they had entered the enemy's country, and burned and +plundered several cities. "And for what reason?" said Minos. "By the +command of him who paid us," said the captain; "that is the reason of a +soldier. We are to execute whatever we are commanded, or we should be a +disgrace to the army, and very little deserve our pay." "You are brave +fellows indeed," said Minos; "but be pleased to face about, and obey my +command for once, in returning back to the other world: for what should +such fellows as you do where there are no cities to be burned, nor +people to be destroyed? But let me advise you to have a stricter regard +to truth for the future, and not call the depopulating other countries +the service of your own." The captain answered, in a rage, "D--n me! do +you give me the lie?" and was going to take Minos by the nose had +not his guards prevented him, and immediately turned him and all his +followers back the same road they came. + +Four spirits informed the judge that they had been starved to death +through poverty--being the father, mother, and two children; that +they had been honest and as industrious as possible, till sickness had +prevented the man from labor. "All that is very true," cried a grave +spirit who stood by. "I know the fact; for these poor people were under +my cure." "You was, I suppose, the parson of the parish," cries Minos; +"I hope you had a good living, sir." "That was but a small one," replied +the spirit; "but I had another a little better."--"Very well," said +Minos; "let the poor people pass." At which the parson was stepping +forwards with a stately gait before them; but Minos caught hold of him +and pulled him back, saying, "Not so fast, doctor--you must take one +step more into the other world first; for no man enters that gate +without charity." A very stately figure now presented himself, and, +informing Minos he was a patriot, began a very florid harangue on public +virtue and the liberties of his country. Upon which Minos showed him the +utmost respect, and ordered the gate to be opened. The patriot was not +contented with this applause; he said he had behaved as well in place +as he had done in the opposition; and that, though he was now obliged +to embrace the court measures, yet he had behaved very honestly to his +friends, and brought as many in as was possible. "Hold a moment," says +Minos: "on second consideration, Mr. Patriot, I think a man of your +great virtue and abilities will be so much missed by your country, that, +if I might advise you, you should take a journey back again. I am +sure you will not decline it; for I am certain you will, with great +readiness, sacrifice your own happiness to the public good." The patriot +smiled, and told Minos he believed he was in jest; and was offering to +enter the gate, but the judge laid fast hold of him and insisted on his +return, which the patriot still declining, he at last ordered his guards +to seize him and conduct him back. + +A spirit now advanced, and the gate was immediately thrown open to him +before he had spoken a word. I heard some whisper, "That is our last +lord mayor." + +It now came to our company's turn. The fair spirit which I mentioned +with so much applause in the beginning of my journey passed through very +easily; but the grave lady was rejected on her first appearance, Minos +declaring there was not a single prude in Elysium. + +The judge then addressed himself to me, who little expected to pass this +fiery trial. I confessed I had indulged myself very freely with wine and +women in my youth, but had never done an injury to any man living, nor +avoided an opportunity of doing good; that I pretended to very little +virtue more than general philanthropy and private friendship. I was +proceeding, when Minos bade me enter the gate, and not indulge myself +with trumpeting forth my virtues. I accordingly passed forward with my +lovely companion, and, embracing her with vast eagerness, but spiritual +innocence, she returned my embrace in the same manner, and we both +congratulated ourselves on our arrival in this happy region, whose +beauty no painting of the imagination can describe. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + The adventures which the author met on his first entrance + into Elysium. + +We pursued our way through a delicious grove of orange-trees, where I +saw infinite numbers of spirits, every one of whom I knew, and was known +by them (for spirits here know one another by intuition). I presently +met a little daughter whom I had lost several years before. Good gods! +what words can describe the raptures, the melting passionate tenderness, +with which we kissed each other, continuing in our embrace, with the +most ecstatic joy, a space which, if time had been measured here as on +earth, could not be less than half a year. + +The first spirit with whom I entered into discourse was the famous +Leonidas of Sparta. I acquainted him with the honors which had been done +him by a celebrated poet of our nation; to which he answered he was very +much obliged to him. We were presently afterwards entertained with the +most delicious voice I had ever heard, accompanied by a violin, equal to +Signior Piantinida. I presently discovered the musician and songster to +be Orpheus and Sappho. + +Old Homer was present at this concert (if I may so call it), and Madam +Dacier sat in his lap. He asked much after Mr. Pope, and said he was +very desirous of seeing him; for that he had read his Iliad in his +translation with almost as much delight as he believed he had given +others in the original. I had the curiosity to inquire whether he had +really writ that poem in detached pieces, and sung it about as ballads +all over Greece, according to the report which went of him. He smiled at +my question, and asked me whether there appeared any connection in +the poem; for if there did he thought I might answer myself. I then +importuned him to acquaint me in which of the cities which contended for +the honor of his birth he was really born? To which he answered, "Upon +my soul I can't tell." + +Virgil then came up to me, with Mr. Addison under his arm. "Well, sir," +said he, "how many translations have these few last years produced of +my Aeneid?" I told him I believed several, but I could not possibly +remember; for that I had never read any but Dr. Trapp's. "Ay," said +he, "that is a curious piece indeed!" I then acquainted him with the +discovery made by Mr. Warburton of the Elusinian mysteries couched in +his sixth book. "What mysteries?" said Mr. Addison. "The Elusinian," +answered Virgil, "which I have disclosed in my sixth book." "How!" +replied Addison. "You never mentioned a word of any such mysteries to +me in all our acquaintance." "I thought it was unnecessary," cried the +other, "to a man of your infinite learning: besides, you always told +me you perfectly understood my meaning." Upon this I thought the critic +looked a little out of countenance, and turned aside to a very merry +spirit, one Dick Steele, who embraced him, and told him he had been the +greatest man upon earth; that he readily resigned up all the merit of +his own works to him. Upon which Addison gave him a gracious smile, and, +clapping him on the back with much solemnity, cried out, "Well said, +Dick!" + +I then observed Shakespeare standing between Betterton and Booth, and +deciding a difference between those two great actors concerning the +placing an accent in one of his lines: this was disputed on both sides +with a warmth which surprised me in Elysium, till I discovered by +intuition that every soul retained its principal characteristic, being, +indeed, its very essence. The line was that celebrated one in Othello-- + +PUT OUT THE LIGHT, AND THEN PUT OUT THE LIGHT. according to Betterton. +Mr. Booth contended to have it thus:-- + +Put out the light, and then put out THE light. I could not help offering +my conjecture on this occasion, and suggested it might perhaps be-- + +Put out the light, and then put out THY light. Another hinted a reading +very sophisticated in my opinion-- + +Put out the light, and then put out THEE, light, making light to be the +vocative case. Another would have altered the last word, and read-- + +PUT OUT THY LIGHT, AND THEN PUT OUT THY SIGHT. But Betterton said, if +the text was to be disturbed, he saw no reason why a word might not be +changed as well as a letter, and, instead of "put out thy light," you +may read "put out thy eyes." At last it was agreed on all sides to refer +the matter to the decision of Shakespeare himself, who delivered his +sentiments as follows: "Faith, gentlemen, it is so long since I wrote +the line, I have forgot my meaning. This I know, could I have dreamed +so much nonsense would have been talked and writ about it, I would +have blotted it out of my works; for I am sure, if any of these be my +meaning, it doth me very little honor." + +He was then interrogated concerning some other ambiguous passages in his +works; but he declined any satisfactory answer; saying, if Mr. Theobald +had not writ about it sufficiently, there were three or four more new +editions of his plays coming out, which he hoped would satisfy every +one: concluding, "I marvel nothing so much as that men will gird +themselves at discovering obscure beauties in an author. Certes the +greatest and most pregnant beauties are ever the plainest and most +evidently striking; and when two meanings of a passage can in the +least balance our judgments which to prefer, I hold it matter of +unquestionable certainty that neither of them is worth a farthing." +From his works our conversation turned on his monument; upon which, +Shakespeare, shaking his sides, and addressing himself to Milton, cried +out, "On my word, brother Milton, they have brought a noble set of poets +together; they would have been hanged erst have [ere they had] convened +such a company at their tables when alive." "True, brother," answered +Milton, "unless we had been as incapable of eating then as we are now." + + + + +CHAPTER IX + + More adventures in Elysium. + +A crowd of spirits now joined us, whom I soon perceived to be the +heroes, who here frequently pay their respects to the several bards the +recorders of their actions. I now saw Achilles and Ulysses addressing +themselves to Homer, and Aeneas and Julius Caesar to Virgil: Adam went +up to Milton, upon which I whispered Mr. Dryden that I thought the devil +should have paid his compliments there, according to his opinion. Dryden +only answered, "I believe the devil was in me when I said so." Several +applied themselves to Shakespeare, amongst whom Henry V made a very +distinguishing appearance. While my eyes were fixed on that monarch a +very small spirit came up to me, shook me heartily by the hand, and told +me his name was THOMAS THUMB. I expressed great satisfaction in seeing +him, nor could I help speaking my resentment against the historian, who +had done such injustice to the stature of this great little man, which +he represented to be no bigger than a span, whereas I plainly perceived +at first sight he was full a foot and a half (and the 37th part of an +inch more, as he himself informed me), being indeed little shorter than +some considerable beaux of the present age. I asked this little hero +concerning the truth of those stories related of him, viz., of the +pudding, and the cow's belly. As to the former, he said it was a +ridiculous legend, worthy to be laughed at; but as to the latter, he +could not help owning there was some truth in it: nor had he any reason +to be ashamed of it, as he was swallowed by surprise; adding, with great +fierceness, that if he had had any weapon in his hand the cow should +have as soon swallowed the devil. + +He spoke the last word with so much fury, and seemed so confounded, +that, perceiving the effect it had on him, I immediately waived the +story, and, passing to other matters, we had much conversation touching +giants. He said, so far from killing any, he had never seen one alive; +that he believed those actions were by mistake recorded of him, instead +of Jack the giant-killer, whom he knew very well, and who had, he +fancied, extirpated the race. I assured him to the contrary, and told +him I had myself seen a huge tame giant, who very complacently stayed in +London a whole winter, at the special request of several gentlemen and +ladies; though the affairs of his family called him home to Sweden. + +I now beheld a stern-looking spirit leaning on the shoulder of another +spirit, and presently discerned the former to be Oliver Cromwell, and +the latter Charles Martel. I own I was a little surprised at seeing +Cromwell here, for I had been taught by my grandmother that he was +carried away by the devil himself in a tempest; but he assured me, on +his honor, there was not the least truth in that story. However, he +confessed he had narrowly escaped the bottomless pit; and, if the former +part of his conduct had not been more to his honor than the latter, he +had been certainly soused into it. He was, nevertheless, sent back to +the upper world with this lot:--ARMY, CAVALIER, DISTRESS. + +He was born, for the second time, the day of Charles II's restoration, +into a family which had lost a very considerable fortune in the service +of that prince and his father, for which they received the reward very +often conferred by princes on real merit, viz.--000. At 16 his father +bought a small commission for him in the army, in which he served +without any promotion all the reigns of Charles II and of his brother. +At the Revolution he quitted his regiment, and followed the fortunes +of his former master, and was in his service dangerously wounded at the +famous battle of the Boyne, where he fought in the capacity of a private +soldier. He recovered of this wound, and retired after the unfortunate +king to Paris, where he was reduced to support a wife and seven children +(for his lot had horns in it) by cleaning shoes and snuffing candles at +the opera. In which situation, after he had spent a few miserable years, +he died half-starved and broken-hearted. He then revisited Minos, who, +compassionating his sufferings by means of that family, to whom he had +been in his former capacity so bitter an enemy, suffered him to enter +here. + +My curiosity would not refrain asking him one question, i. e., whether +in reality he had any desire to obtain the crown? He smiled, and said, +"No more than an ecclesiastic hath to the miter, when he cries Nolo +episcopari." Indeed, he seemed to express some contempt at the question, +and presently turned away. + +A venerable spirit appeared next, whom I found to be the great historian +Livy. Alexander the Great, who was just arrived from the palace of +death, passed by him with a frown. The historian, observing it, said, +"Ay, you may frown; but those troops which conquered the base Asiatic +slaves would have made no figure against the Romans." We then privately +lamented the loss of the most valuable part of his history; after which +he took occasion to commend the judicious collection made by Mr. Hook, +which, he said, was infinitely preferable to all others; and at my +mentioning Echard's he gave a bounce, not unlike the going off of +a squib, and was departing from me, when I begged him to satisfy my +curiosity in one point--whether he was really superstitious or no? For +I had always believed he was till Mr. Leibnitz had assured me to the +contrary. He answered sullenly, "Doth Mr. Leibnitz know my mind better +than myself?" and then walked away. + + + + +CHAPTER X + + The author is surprised at meeting Julian the apostate in + Elysium; but is satisfied by him by what means he procured + his entrance there. Julian relates his adventures in the + character of a slave. + +As he was departing I heard him salute a spirit by the name of Mr. +Julian the apostate. This exceedingly amazed me; for I had concluded +that no man ever had a better title to the bottomless pit than he. But +I soon found that this same Julian the apostate was also the very +individual archbishop Latimer. He told me that several lies had been +raised on him in his former capacity, nor was he so bad a man as he had +been represented. However, he had been denied admittance, and forced +to undergo several subsequent pilgrimages on earth, and to act in the +different characters of a slave, a Jew, a general, an heir, a carpenter, +a beau, a monk, a fiddler, a wise man, a king, a fool, a beggar, a +prince, a statesman, a soldier, a tailor, an alderman, a poet, a knight, +a dancing-master, and three times a bishop, before his martyrdom, which, +together with his other behavior in this last character, satisfied the +judge, and procured him a passage to the blessed regions. + +I told him such various characters must have produced incidents +extremely entertaining; and if he remembered all, as I supposed he did, +and had leisure, I should be obliged to him for the recital. He answered +he perfectly recollected every circumstance; and as to leisure, the only +business of that happy place was to contribute to the happiness of each +other. He therefore thanked me for adding to his, in proposing to him +a method of increasing mine. I then took my little darling in one hand, +and my favorite fellow-traveler in the other, and, going with him to +a sunny bank of flowers, we all sat down, and he began as follows:--"I +suppose you are sufficiently acquainted with my story during the time I +acted the part of the emperor Julian, though I assure you all which hath +been related of me is not true, particularly with regard to the many +prodigies forerunning my death. However, they are now very little worth +disputing; and if they can serve any purpose of the historian they +are extremely at his service. My next entrance into the world was at +Laodicea, in Syria, in a Roman family of no great note; and, being of +a roving disposition, I came at the age of seventeen to Constantinople, +where, after about a year's stay, I set out for Thrace, at the time when +the emperor Valens admitted the Goths into that country. I was there so +captivated with the beauty of a Gothic lady, the wife of one Rodoric, a +captain, whose name, out of the most delicate tenderness for her lovely +sex, I shall even at this distance conceal; since her behavior to me was +more consistent with good-nature than with that virtue which women are +obliged to preserve against every assailant. In order to procure an +intimacy with this woman I sold myself a slave to her husband, who, +being of a nation not over-inclined to jealousy, presented me to his +wife, for those very reasons which would have induced one of a jealous +complexion to have withheld me from her, namely, for that I was young +and handsome. + +"Matters succeeded so far according to my wish, and the sequel answered +those hopes which this beginning had raised. I soon perceived my service +was very acceptable to her; I often met her eyes, nor did she withdraw +them without a confusion which is scarce consistent with entire purity +of heart. Indeed, she gave me every day fresh encouragement; but the +unhappy distance which circumstances had placed between us deterred me +long from making any direct attack; and she was too strict an observer +of decorum to violate the severe rules of modesty by advancing first; +but passion at last got the better of my respect, and I resolved to make +one bold attempt, whatever was the consequence. Accordingly, laying hold +of the first kind opportunity, when she was alone and my master abroad, +I stoutly assailed the citadel and carried it by storm. Well may I say +by storm; for the resistance I met was extremely resolute, and indeed +as much as the most perfect decency would require. She swore often she +would cry out for help; but I answered it was in vain, seeing there was +no person near to assist her; and probably she believed me, for she did +not once actually cry out, which if she had, I might very likely have +been prevented. + +"When she found her virtue thus subdued against her will she patiently +submitted to her fate, and quietly suffered me a long time to enjoy the +most delicious fruits of my victory; but envious fortune resolved to +make me pay a dear price for my pleasure. One day in the midst of our +happiness we were suddenly surprised by the unexpected return of her +husband, who, coming directly into his wife's apartment, just allowed +me time to creep under the bed. The disorder in which he found his wife +might have surprised a jealous temper; but his was so far otherwise, +that possibly no mischief might have happened had he not by a cross +accident discovered my legs, which were not well hid. He immediately +drew me out by them, and then, turning to his wife with a stern +countenance, began to handle a weapon he wore by his side, with which +I am persuaded he would have instantly dispatched her, had I not very +gallantly, and with many imprecations, asserted her innocence and my +own guilt; which, however, I protested had hitherto gone no farther than +design. She so well seconded my plea (for she was a woman of wonderful +art), that he was at length imposed upon; and now all his rage was +directed against me, threatening all manner of tortures, which the +poor lady was in too great a fright and confusion to dissuade him from +executing; and perhaps, if her concern for me had made her attempt it, +it would have raised a jealousy in him not afterwards to be removed. + +"After some hesitation Roderic cried out he had luckily hit on the most +proper punishment for me in the world, by a method which would at once +do severe justice on me for my criminal intention, and at the same time +prevent me from any danger of executing my wicked purpose hereafter. +This cruel resolution was immediately executed, and I was no longer +worthy the name of a man. + +"Having thus disqualified me from doing him any future injury, he still +retained me in his family; but the lady, very probably repenting of what +she had done, and looking on me as the author of her guilt, would never +for the future give me either a kind word or look: and shortly after, a +great exchange being made between the Romans and the Goths of dogs for +men, my lady exchanged me with a Roman widow for a small lap-dog, giving +a considerable sum of money to boot. + +"In this widow's service I remained seven years, during all which time I +was very barbarously treated. I was worked without the least mercy, and +often severely beat by a swinging maid-servant, who never called me by +any other names than those of the Thing and the Animal. Though I used +my utmost industry to please, it never was in my power. Neither the lady +nor her woman would eat anything I touched, saying they did not believe +me wholesome. It is unnecessary to repeat particulars; in a word, you +can imagine no kind of ill usage which I did not suffer in this family. + +"At last an heathen priest, an acquaintance of my lady's, obtained me of +her for a present. The scene was now totally changed, and I had as much +reason to be satisfied with my present situation as I had to lament my +former. I was so absolutely my master's favorite, that the rest of the +slaves paid me almost as much regard as they showed to him, well knowing +that it was entirely in my power to command and treat them as I pleased. +I was intrusted with all my master's secrets, and used to assist him in +privately conveying away by night the sacrifices from the altars, which +the people believed the deities themselves devoured. Upon these we +feasted very elegantly, nor could invention suggest a rarity which we +did not pamper ourselves with. Perhaps you may admire at the close union +between this priest and his slave, but we lived in an intimacy which +the Christians thought criminal; but my master, who knew the will of +the gods, with whom he told me he often conversed, assured me it was +perfectly innocent. + +"This happy life continued about four years, when my master's death, +occasioned by a surfeit got by overfeeding on several exquisite +dainties, put an end to it. + +"I now fell into the hands of one of a very different disposition, and +this was no other than the celebrated St. Chrysostom, who dieted me with +sermons instead of sacrifices, and filled my ears with good things, but +not my belly. Instead of high food to fatten and pamper my flesh, I had +receipts to mortify and reduce it. With these I edified so well, that +within a few months I became a skeleton. However, as he had converted +me to his faith, I was well enough satisfied with this new manner of +living, by which he taught me I might insure myself an eternal reward in +a future state. The saint was a good-natured man, and never gave me +an ill word but once, which was occasioned by my neglecting to place +Aristophanes, which was his constant bedfellow, on his pillow. He was, +indeed, extremely fond of that Greek poet, and frequently made me read +his comedies to him. When I came to any of the loose passages he would +smile, and say, 'It was pity his matter was not as pure as his style;' +of which latter he was so immoderately fond that, notwithstanding the +detestation he expressed for obscenity, he hath made me repeat those +passages ten times over. The character of this good man hath been very +unjustly attacked by his heathen contemporaries, particularly with +regard to women; but his severe invectives against that sex are his +sufficient justification. + +"From the service of this saint, from whom I received manumission, I +entered into the family of Timasius, a leader of great eminence in +the imperial army, into whose favor I so far insinuated myself that he +preferred me to a good command, and soon made me partaker of both his +company and his secrets. I soon grew intoxicated with this preferment, +and the more he loaded me with benefits the more he raised my opinion of +my own merit, which, still outstripping the rewards he conferred on me, +inspired me rather with dissatisfaction than gratitude. And thus, +by preferring me beyond my merit or first expectation, he made me an +envious aspiring enemy, whom perhaps a more moderate bounty would have +preserved a dutiful servant. + +"I fell now acquainted with one Lucilius, a creature of the prime +minister Eutropius, who had by his favor been raised to the post of +a tribune; a man of low morals, and eminent only in that meanest of +qualities, cunning. This gentleman, imagining me a fit tool for the +minister's purpose, having often sounded my principles of honor and +honesty, both which he declared to me were words without meaning, +and finding my ready concurrence in his sentiments, recommended me +to Eutropius as very proper to execute some wicked purposes he had +contrived against my frend Timasius. The minister embraced this +recommendation, and I was accordingly acquainted by Lucilius (after some +previous accounts of the great esteem Eutropius entertained of me, from +the testimony he had borne of my parts) that he would introduce me to +him; adding that he was a great encourager of merit, and that I might +depend upon his favor. + +"I was with little difficulty prevailed on to accept of this invitation. +A late hour therefore the next evening being appointed, I attended my +friend Lucilius to the minister's house. + +"He received me with the utmost civility and cheerfulness, and affected +so much regard to me, that I, who knew nothing of these high scenes of +life, concluded I had in him a most disinterested friend, owing to the +favorable report which Lucilius had made of me. I was however soon cured +of this opinion; for immediately after supper our discourse turned on +the injustice which the generality of the world were guilty of in their +conduct to great men, expecting that they should reward their private +merit, without ever endeavoring to apply it to their use. 'What avail,' +said Eutropius, 'the learning, wit, courage, or any virtue which a man +may be possessed of, to me, unless I receive some benefit from them? +Hath he not more merit to me who doth my business and obeys my commands, +without any of these qualities?' I gave such entire satisfaction in +my answers on this head, that both the minister and his creature grew +bolder, and after some preface began to accuse Timasius. At last, +finding I did not attempt to defend him, Lucilius swore a great oath +that he was not fit to live, and that he would destroy him. Eutropius +answered that it would be too dangerous a task: 'Indeed,' says he, 'his +crimes are of so black a dye, and so well known to the emperor, that his +death must be a very acceptable service, and could not fail meeting a +proper reward: but I question whether you are capable of executing +it.' 'If he is not,' cried I, 'I am; and surely no man can have greater +motives to destroy him than myself: for, besides his disloyalty to my +prince, for whom I have so perfect a duty, I have private disobligations +to him. I have had fellows put over my head, to the great scandal of +the service in general, and to my own prejudice and disappointment +in particular.' I will not repeat you my whole speech; but, to be as +concise as possible, when we parted that evening the minister squeezed +me heartily by the hand, and with great commendation of my honesty and +assurances of his favor, he appointed me the next evening to come to +him alone; when, finding me, after a little more scrutiny, ready for his +purpose, he proposed to me to accuse Timasius of high treason, promising +me the highest rewards if I would undertake it. The consequence to him, +I suppose you know, was ruin; but what was it to me? Why, truly, when +I waited on Eutropius for the fulfilling his promises, received me +with great distance and coldness; and, on my dropping some hints of +my expectations from him, he affected not to understand me; saying +he thought impunity was the utmost I could hope for on discovering my +accomplice, whose offense was only greater than mine, as he was in +a higher station; and telling me he had great difficulty to obtain a +pardon for me from the emperor, which he said, he had struggled very +hardly for, as he had worked the discovery out of me. He turned away, +and addressed himself to another person. + +"I was so incensed at this treatment, that I resolved revenge, and +should certainly have pursued it, had he not cautiously prevented me by +taking effectual means to despatch me soon after out of the world. + +"You will, I believe, now think I had a second good chance for the +bottomless pit, and indeed Minos seemed inclined to tumble me in, till +he was informed of the revenge taken on me by Roderic, and my seven +years' subsequent servitude to the widow; which he thought sufficient to +make atonement for all the crimes a single life could admit of, and so +sent me back to try my fortune a third time." + + + + +CHAPTER XI + + In which Julian relates his adventures in the character of + an avaricious Jew. + +"The next character in which I was destined to appear in the flesh was +that of an avaricious Jew. I was born in Alexandria in Egypt. My name +was Balthazar. Nothing very remarkable happened to me till the year +of the memorable tumult in which the Jews of that city are reported in +history to have massacred more Christians than at that time dwelt in it. +Indeed, the truth is, they did maul the dogs pretty handsomely; but I +myself was not present, for as all our people were ordered to be armed, +I took that opportunity of selling two swords, which probably I might +otherwise never have disposed of, they being extremely old and rusty; so +that, having no weapon left, I did not care to venture abroad. Besides, +though I really thought it an act meriting salvation to murder the +Nazarenes, as the fact was to be committed at midnight, at which time, +to avoid suspicion, we were all to sally from our own houses, I could +not persuade myself to consume so much oil in sitting up to that hour: +for these reasons therefore I remained at home that evening. + +"I was at this time greatly enamored with one Hypatia, the daughter of a +philosopher; a young lady of the greatest beauty and merit: indeed, she +had every imaginable ornament both of mind and body. She seemed not +to dislike my person; but there were two obstructions to our marriage, +viz., my religion and her poverty: both which might probably have been +got over, had not those dogs the Christians murdered her; and, what is +worse, afterwards burned her body: worse, I say, because I lost by that +means a jewel of some value, which I had presented to her, designing, if +our nuptials did not take place, to demand it of her back again. + +"Being thus disappointed in my love, I soon after left Alexandria and +went to the imperial city, where I apprehended I should find a good +market for jewels on the approaching marriage of the emperor with +Athenais. I disguised myself as a beggar on this journey, for these +reasons: first, as I imagined I should thus carry my jewels with greater +safety; and, secondly, to lessen my expenses; which latter expedient +succeeded so well, that I begged two oboli on my way more than my +traveling cost me, my diet being chiefly roots, and my drink water. + +"But perhaps, it had been better for me if I had been more lavish +and more expeditious; for the ceremony was over before I reached +Constantinople; so that I lost that glorious opportunity of disposing of +my jewels with which many of our people were greatly enriched. + +"The life of a miser is very little worth relating, as it is one +constant scheme of getting or saving money. I shall therefore repeat to +you some few only of my adventures, without regard to any order. + +"A Roman Jew, who was a great lover of Falernian wine, and who indulged +himself very freely with it, came to dine at my house; when, knowing he +should meet with little wine, and that of the cheaper sort, sent me in +half-a-dozen jars of Falernian. Can you believe I would not give this +man his own wine? Sir, I adulterated it so that I made six jars +of [them] three, which he and his friend drank; the other three I +afterwards sold to the very person who originally sent them me, knowing +he would give a better price than any other. + +"A noble Roman came one day to my house in the country, which I had +purchased, for half the value, of a distressed person. My neighbors paid +him the compliment of some music, on which account, when he departed, +he left a piece of gold with me to be distributed among them. I pocketed +this money, and ordered them a small vessel of sour wine, which I could +not have sold for above two drachms, and afterwards made them pay in +work three times the value of it. + +"As I was not entirely void of religion, though I pretended to +infinitely more than I had, so I endeavored to reconcile my transactions +to my conscience as well as possible. Thus I never invited any one to +eat with me, but those on whose pockets I had some design. After our +collation it was constantly my method to set down in a book I kept for +that purpose, what I thought they owed me for their meal. Indeed, this +was generally a hundred times as much as they could have dined elsewhere +for; but, however, it was quid pro quo, if not ad valorem. Now, whenever +the opportunity offered of imposing on them I considered it only as +paying myself what they owed me: indeed, I did not always confine myself +strictly to what I had set down, however extravagant that was; but I +reconciled taking the overplus to myself as usance. + +"But I was not only too cunning for others--I sometimes overreached +myself. I have contracted distempers for want of food and warmth, which +have put me to the expense of a physician; nay, I once very narrowly +escaped death by taking bad drugs, only to save one seven-eighth per +cent in the price. + +"By these and such like means, in the midst of poverty and every kind of +distress, I saw myself master of an immense fortune, the casting up and +ruminating on which was my daily and only pleasure. This was, however, +obstructed and embittered by two considerations, which against my will +often invaded my thoughts. One, which would have been intolerable (but +that indeed seldom troubled me), was, that I must one day leave my +darling treasure. + +"The other haunted me continually, viz., that my riches were no greater. +However, I comforted myself against this reflection by an assurance that +they would increase daily: on which head my hopes were so extensive that +I may say with Virgil-- + +'His ego nec metas rerum nec tempora pono.' + +Indeed I am convinced that, had I possessed the whole globe of earth, +save one single drachma, which I had been certain never to be master +of--I am convinced, I say, that single drachma would have given me more +uneasiness than all the rest could afford me pleasure. + +"To say the truth, between my solicitude in contriving schemes to +procure money and my extreme anxiety in preserving it, I never had one +moment of ease while awake nor of quiet when in my sleep. + +"In all the characters through which I have passed, I have never +undergone half the misery I suffered in this; and, indeed, Minos seemed +to be of the same opinion; for while I stood trembling and shaking in +expectation of my sentence he bid me go back about my business, for that +nobody was to be d--n'd in more worlds than one. And, indeed, I have +since learned that the devil will not receive a miser." + + + + +CHAPTER XII + + What happened to Julian in the characters of a general, an + heir, a carpenter, and a beau. + +"The next step I took into the world was at Apollonia, in Thrace, where +I was born of a beautiful Greek slave, who was the mistress of Eutyches, +a great favorite of the emperor Zeno. That prince, at his restoration, +gave me the command of a cohort, I being then but fifteen years of age; +and a little afterwards, before I had even seen an army, preferred me, +over the heads of all the old officers, to be a tribune. + +"As I found an easy access to the emperor, by means of my father's +intimacy with him, he being a very good courtier--or, in other words, a +most prostitute flatterer--so I soon ingratiated myself with Zeno, and +so well imitated my father in flattering him, that he would never part +with me from about his person. So that the first armed force I ever +beheld was that with which Marcian surrounded the palace, where I was +then shut up with the rest of the court. + +"I was afterwards put at the head of a legion and ordered to march into +Syria with Theodoric the Goth; that is, I mean my legion was so ordered; +for, as to myself, I remained at court, with the name and pay of a +general, without the labor or the danger. + + "As nothing could be more gay, i. e., debauched, than Zeno's +court, so the ladies of gay disposition had great sway in it; +particularly one, whose name was Fausta, who, though not extremely +handsome, was by her wit and sprightliness very agreeable to the +emperor. With her I lived in good correspondence, and we together +disposed of all kinds of commissions in the army, not to those who had +most merit, but who would purchase at the highest rate. My levee was now +prodigiously thronged by officers who returned from the campaigns, who, +though they might have been convinced by daily example how ineffectual +a recommendation their services were, still continued indefatigable in +attendance, and behaved to me with as much observance and respect as I +should have been entitled to for making their fortunes, while I suffered +them and their families to starve. + +"Several poets, likewise, addressed verses to me, in which they +celebrated my achievements; and what, perhaps, may seem strange to us +at present, I received all this incense with most greedy vanity, without +once reflecting that, as I did not deserve these compliments, they +should rather put me in mind of my defects. + +"My father was now dead, and I became so absolute in the emperor's grace +that one unacquainted with courts would scarce believe the servility +with which all kinds of persons who entered the walls of the palace +behaved towards me. A bow, a smile, a nod from me, as I passed through +cringing crowds, were esteemed as signal favors; but a gracious word +made any one happy; and, indeed, had this real benefit attending it, +that it drew on the person on whom it was bestowed a very great degree +of respect from all others; for these are of current value in courts, +and, like notes in trading communities, are assignable from one to the +other. The smile of a court favorite immediately raises the person +who receives it, and gives a value to his smile when conferred on an +inferior: thus the smile is transferred from one to the other, and the +great man at last is the person to discount it. For instance, a very +low fellow hath a desire for a place. To whom is he to apply? Not to the +great man; for to him he hath no access. He therefore applies to A, who +is the creature of B, who is the tool of C, who is the flatterer of D, +who is the catamite of E, who is the pimp of F, who is the bully of G, +who is the buffoon of I, who is the husband of K, who is the whore of +L, who is the bastard of M, who is the instrument of the great man. Thus +the smile descending regularly from the great man to A, is discounted +back again, and at last paid by the great man. + +"It is manifest that a court would subsist as difficultly without this +kind of coin as a trading city without paper credit. Indeed, they differ +in this, that their value is not quite so certain, and a favorite may +protest his smile without the danger of bankruptcy. + +"In the midst of all this glory the emperor died, and Anastasius was +preferred to the crown. As it was yet uncertain whether I should not +continue in favor, I was received as usual at my entrance into the +palace to pay my respects to the new emperor; but I was no sooner rumped +by him than I received the same compliment from all the rest; the whole +room, like a regiment of soldiers, turning their backs to me all at +once: my smile now was become of equal value with the note of a broken +banker, and every one was as cautious not to receive it. + +"I made as much haste as possible from the court, and shortly after +from the city, retreating to the place of my nativity, where I spent the +remainder of my days in a retired life in husbandry, the only amusement +for which I was qualified, having neither learning nor virtue. + +"When I came to the gate Minos again seemed at first doubtful, but at +length dismissed me; saying though I had been guilty of many heinous +crimes, in as much as I had, though a general, never been concerned in +spilling human blood, I might return again to earth. + +"I was now again born in Alexandria, and, by great accident, entering +into the womb of my daughter-in-law, came forth my own grandson, +inheriting that fortune which I had before amassed. + +"Extravagance was now as notoriously my vice as avarice had been +formerly; and I spent in a very short life what had cost me the labor +of a very long one to rake together. Perhaps you will think my present +condition was more to be envied than my former: but upon my word it was +very little so; for, by possessing everything almost before I desired +it, I could hardly ever say I enjoyed my wish: I scarce ever knew the +delight of satisfying a craving appetite. Besides, as I never once +thought, my mind was useless to me, and I was an absolute stranger to +all the pleasures arising from it. Nor, indeed, did my education qualify +me for any delicacy in other enjoyments; so that in the midst of plenty +I loathed everything. Taste for elegance I had none; and the greatest of +corporeal blisses I felt no more from than the lowest animal. In a word, +as while a miser I had plenty without daring to use it, so now I had it +without appetite. + +"But if I was not very happy in the height of my enjoyment, so I +afterwards became perfectly miserable; being soon overtaken by disease, +and reduced to distress, till at length, with a broken constitution and +broken heart, I ended my wretched days in a jail: nor can I think the +sentence of Minos too mild, who condemned me, after having taken a large +dose of avarice, to wander three years on the banks of Cocytus, with +the knowledge of having spent the fortune in the person of the grandson +which I had raised in that of the grandfather. + +"The place of my birth, on my return to the world, was Constantinople, +where my father was a carpenter. The first thing I remember was, the +triumph of Belisarius, which was, indeed, most noble show; but nothing +pleased me so much as the figure of Gelimer, king of the African +Vandals, who, being led captive on this occasion, reflecting with +disdain on the mutation of his own fortune, and on the ridiculous empty +pomp of the conqueror, cried out, VANITY, VANITY, ALL IS MERE VANITY.' + +"I was bred up to my father's trade, and you may easily believe so low a +sphere could produce no adventures worth your notice. However, I married +a woman I liked, and who proved a very tolerable wife. My days were +passed in hard labor, but this procured me health, and I enjoyed a +homely supper at night with my wife with more pleasure than I apprehend +greater persons find at their luxurious meals. My life had scarce any +variety in it, and at my death I advanced to Minos with great confidence +of entering the gate: but I was unhappily obliged to discover some +frauds I had been guilty of in the measure of my work when I worked +by the foot, as well as my laziness when I was employed by the day. On +which account, when I attempted to pass, the angry judge laid hold on +me by the shoulders, and turned me back so violently, that, had I had a +neck of flesh and bone, I believe he would have broke it." + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + + Julian passes into a fop. + +"My scene of action was Rome. I was born into a noble family, and heir +to a considerable fortune. On which my parents, thinking I should not +want any talents, resolved very kindly and wisely to throw none away +upon me. The only instructors of my youth were therefore one Saltator, +who taught me several motions for my legs; and one Ficus, whose business +was to show me the cleanest way (as he called it) of cutting off a man's +head. When I was well accomplished in these sciences, I thought nothing +more wanting, but what was to be furnished by the several mechanics in +Rome, who dealt in dressing and adorning the pope. Being therefore well +equipped with all which their art could produce, I became at the age +of twenty a complete finished beau. And now during forty-five years I +dressed, I sang and danced, and danced and sang, I bowed and ogled, and +ogled and bowed, till, in the sixty-sixth year of my age, I got cold by +overheating myself with dancing, and died. + +"Minos told me, as I was unworthy of Elysium, so I was too insignificant +to be damned, and therefore bade me walk back again." + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + + Adventures in the person of a monk. + +"Fortune now placed me in the character of a younger brother of a good +house, and I was in my youth sent to school; but learning was now at so +low an ebb, that my master himself could hardly construe a sentence +of Latin; and as for Greek, he could not read it. With very little +knowledge therefore, and with altogether as little virtue, I was set +apart for the church, and at the proper age commenced monk. I lived many +years retired in a cell, a life very agreeable to the gloominess of my +temper, which was much inclined to despise the world; that is, in other +words, to envy all men of superior fortune and qualifications, and in +general to hate and detest the human species. Notwithstanding which, +I could, on proper occasions, submit to flatter the vilest fellow in +nature, which I did one Stephen, an eunuch, a favorite of the emperor +Justinian II, one of the wickedest wretches whom perhaps the world ever +saw. I not only wrote a panegyric on this man, but I commended him as +a pattern to all others in my sermons; by which means I so greatly +ingratiated myself with him, that he introduced me to the emperor's +presence, where I prevailed so far by the same methods, that I was +shortly taken from my cell, and preferred to a place at court. I was no +sooner established in the favor of Justinian than I prompted him to all +kind of cruelty. As I was of a sour morose temper, and hated nothing +more than the symptoms of happiness appearing in any countenance, I +represented all kind of diversion and amusement as the most horrid sins. +I inveighed against cheerfulness as levity, and encouraged nothing but +gravity, or, to confess the truth to you, hypocrisy. The unhappy +emperor followed my advice, and incensed the people by such repeated +barbarities, that he was at last deposed by them and banished. + +"I now retired again to my cell (for historians mistake in saying I was +put to death), where I remained safe from the danger of the irritated +mob, whom I cursed in my own heart as much as they could curse me. + +"Justinian, after three years of his banishment, returned to +Constantinople in disguise, and paid me a visit. I at first affected +not to know him, and without the least compunction of gratitude for his +former favors, intended not to receive him, till a thought immediately +suggested itself to me how I might convert him to my advantage, I +pretended to recollect him; and, blaming the shortness of my memory +and badness of my eyes, I sprung forward and embraced him with great +affection. + +"My design was to betray him to Apsimar, who, I doubted not, would +generously reward such a service. I therefore very earnestly requested +him to spend the whole evening with me; to which he consented. I formed +an excuse for leaving him a few minutes, and ran away to the palace to +acquaint Apsimar with the guest whom I had then in my cell. He presently +ordered a guard to go with me and seize him; but, whether the length of +my stay gave him any suspicion, or whether he changed his purpose after +my departure, I know not; for at my return we found he had given us the +slip; nor could we with the most diligent search discover him. + +"Apsimar, being disappointed of his prey, now raged at me; at first +denouncing the most dreadful vengeance if I did not produce the deposed +monarch. However, by soothing his passion when at the highest, and +afterwards by canting and flattery, I made a shift to escape his fury. + +"When Justinian was restored I very confidently went to wish him joy +of his restoration: but it seems he had unfortunately heard of my +treachery, so that he at first received me coldly, and afterwards +upbraided me openly with what I had done. I persevered stoutly in +denying it, as I knew no evidence could be produced against me; till, +finding him irreconcilable, I betook myself to reviling him in my +sermons, and on every other occasion, as an enemy to the church and good +men, and as an infidel, a heretic, an atheist, a heathen, and an Arian. +This I did immediately on his return, and before he gave those flagrant +proofs of his inhumanity which afterwards sufficiently verified all I +had said. + +"Luckily I died on the same day when a great number of those forces +which Justinian had sent against the Thracian Bosphorus, and who had +executed such unheard-of cruelties there, perished. As every one +of these was cast into the bottomless pit, Minos was so tired with +condemnation, that he proclaimed that all present who had not been +concerned in that bloody expedition might, if they pleased, return to +the other world. I took him at his word, and, presently turning about, +began my journey." + + + + +CHAPTER XV + + Julian passes into the character of a fiddler. + +"Rome was now the seat of my nativity. My mother was an African, a woman +of no great beauty, but a favorite, I suppose from her piety, of +pope Gregory II. Who was my father I know not, but I believe no very +considerable man; for after the death of that pope, who was, out of his +religion, a very good friend of my mother, we fell into great distress, +and were at length reduced to walk the streets of Rome; nor had either +of us any other support but a fiddle, on which I played with pretty +tolerable skill; for, as my genius turned naturally to music, so I had +been in my youth very early instructed at the expense of the good pope. +This afforded us but a very poor livelihood: for, though I had often +a numerous crowd of hearers, few ever thought themselves obliged to +contribute the smallest pittance to the poor starving wretch who had +given them pleasure. Nay, some of the graver sort, after an hour's +attention to my music, have gone away shaking their heads, and crying it +was a shame such vagabonds were suffered to stay in the city. + +"To say the truth, I am confident the fiddle would not have kept us +alive had we entirely depended on the generosity of my hearers. My +mother therefore was forced to use her own industry; and while I was +soothing the ears of the crowd, she applied to their pockets, and that +generally with such good success that we now began to enjoy a very +comfortable subsistence; and indeed, had we had the least prudence or +forecast, might have soon acquired enough to enable us to quit this +dangerous and dishonorable way of life: but I know not what is the +reason that money got with labor and safety is constantly preserved, +while the produce of danger and ease is commonly spent as easily, and +often as wickedly, as acquired. Thus we proportioned our expenses rather +by what we had than what we wanted or even desired; and on obtaining a +considerable booty we have even forced nature into the most profligate +extravagance, and have been wicked without inclination. + +"We carried on this method of thievery for a long time without +detection: but, as Fortune generally leaves persons of extraordinary +ingenuity in the lurch at last, so did she us; for my poor mother was +taken in the fact, and, together with myself, as her accomplice, hurried +before a magistrate. + +"Luckily for us, the person who was to be our judge was the greatest +lover of music in the whole city, and had often sent for me to play +to him, for which, as he had given me very small rewards, perhaps his +gratitude now moved him: but, whatever was his motive, he browbeat the +informers against us, and treated their evidence with so little favor, +that their mouths were soon stopped, and we dismissed with honor; +acquitted, I should rather have it said, for we were not suffered to +depart till I had given the judge several tunes on the fiddle. + +"We escaped the better on this occasion because the person robbed +happened to be a poet; which gave the judge, who was a facetious person, +many opportunities of jesting. He said poets and musicians should agree +together, seeing they had married sisters; which he afterwards explained +to be the sister arts. And when the piece of gold was produced he burst +into a loud laugh, and said it must be the golden age, when poets had +gold in their pockets, and in that age there could be no robbers. He +made many more jests of the same kind, but a small taste will suffice. + +"It is a common saying that men should take warning by any signal +delivery; but I cannot approve the justice of it; for to me it seems +that the acquittal of a guilty person should rather inspire him with +confidence, and it had this effect on us: for we now laughed at the law, +and despised its punishments, which we found were to be escaped even +against positive evidence. We imagined the late example was rather a +warning to the accuser than the criminal, and accordingly proceeded in +the most impudent and flagitious manner. + +"Among other robberies, one night, being admitted by the servants into +the house of an opulent priest, my mother took an opportunity, whilst +the servants were dancing to my tunes, to convey away a silver vessel; +this she did without the least sacrilegious intention; but it seems the +cup, which was a pretty large one, was dedicated to holy uses, and only +borrowed by the priest on an entertainment which he made for some of his +brethren. We were immediately pursued upon this robbery (the cup being +taken in our possession), and carried before the same magistrate, who +had before behaved to us with so much gentleness: but his countenance +was now changed, for the moment the priest appeared against us, his +severity was as remarkable as his candor had been before, and we were +both ordered to be stripped and whipped through the streets. + +"This sentence was executed with great severity, the priest himself +attending and encouraging the executioner, which he said he did for the +good of our souls; but, though our backs were both flayed, neither +my mother's torments nor my own afflicted me so much as the indignity +offered to my poor fiddle, which was carried in triumph before me, and +treated with a contempt by the multitude, intimating a great scorn +for the science I had the honor to profess; which, as it is one of +the noblest inventions of men, and as I had been always in the highest +degree proud of my excellence in it, I suffered so much from the +ill-treatment my fiddle received, that I would have given all my +remainder of skin to have preserved it from this affront. + +"My mother survived the whipping a very short time; and I was now +reduced to great distress and misery, till a young Roman of considerable +rank took a fancy to me, received me into his family, and conversed with +me in the utmost familiarity. He had a violent attachment to music, and +would learn to play on the fiddle; but, through want of genius for the +science, he never made any considerable progress. However, I flattered +his performance, and he grew extravagantly fond of me for so doing. +Had I continued this behavior I might possibly have reaped the greatest +advantages from his kindness; but I had raised his own opinion of his +musical abilities so high, that he now began to prefer his skill to +mine, a presumption I could not bear. One day as we were playing in +concert he was horribly out; nor was it possible, as he destroyed the +harmony, to avoid telling him of it. Instead of receiving my correction, +he answered it was my blunder and not his, and that I had mistaken the +key. Such an affront from my own scholar was beyond human patience; I +flew into a violent passion, I flung down my instrument in a rage, and +swore I was not to be taught music at my age. He answered, with as much +warmth, nor was he to be instructed by a strolling fiddler. The dispute +ended in a challenge to play a prize before judges. This wager was +determined in my favor; but the purchase was a dear one, for I lost my +friend by it, who now, twitting me with all his kindness, with my former +ignominious punishment, and the destitute condition from which I had +been by his bounty relieved, discarded me for ever. + +"While I lived with this gentleman I became known, among others, to +Sabina, a lady of distinction, and who valued herself much on her taste +for music. She no sooner heard of my being discarded than she took +me into her house, where I was extremely well clothed and fed. +Notwithstanding which, my situation was far from agreeable; for I was +obliged to submit to her constant reprehensions before company, which +gave me the greater uneasiness because they were always wrong; nor am I +certain that she did not by these provocations contribute to my death: +for, as experience had taught me to give up my resentment to my bread, +so my passions, for want of outward vent, preyed inwardly on my vitals, +and perhaps occasioned the distemper of which I sickened. + +"The lady, who, amidst all the faults she found, was very fond of +me, nay, probably was the fonder of me the more faults she found, +immediately called in the aid of three celebrated physicians. The +doctors (being well fee'd) made me seven visits in three days, and +two of them were at the door to visit me the eighth time, when, being +acquainted that I was just dead, they shook their heads and departed. + +"When I came to Minos he asked me with a smile whether I had brought my +fiddle with me; and, receiving an answer in the negative, he bid me get +about my business, saying it was well for me that the devil was no lover +of music." + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + + The history of the wise man. + +"I now returned to Rome, but in a very different character. Fortune had +now allotted me a serious part to act. I had even in my infancy a grave +disposition, nor was I ever seen to smile, which infused an opinion into +all about me that I was a child of great solidity; some foreseeing that +I should be a judge, and others a bishop. At two years old my father +presented me with a rattle, which I broke to pieces with great +indignation. This the good parent, being extremely wise, regarded as an +eminent symptom of my wisdom, and cried out in a kind of ecstasy, 'Well +said, boy! I warrant thou makest a great man.' + +"At school I could never be persuaded to play with my mates; not that +I spent my hours in learning, to which I was not in the least addicted, +nor indeed had I any talents for it. However, the solemnity of my +carriage won so much on my master, who was a most sagacious person, +that I was his chief favorite, and my example on all occasions was +recommended to the other boys, which filled them with envy, and me with +pleasure; but, though they envied me, they all paid me that involuntary +respect which it is the curse attending this passion to bear towards its +object. + +"I had now obtained universally the character of a very wise young man, +which I did not altogether purchase without pains; for the restraint I +laid on myself in abstaining from the several diversions adapted to my +years cost me many a yearning; but the pride which I inwardly enjoyed in +the fancied dignity of my character made me some amends. + +"Thus I passed on, without anything very memorable happening to me, +till I arrived at the age of twenty-three, when unfortunately I fell +acquainted with a young Neapolitan lady whose name was Ariadne. Her +beauty was so exquisite that her first sight made a violent impression +on me; this was again improved by her behavior, which was most genteel, +easy, and affable: lastly, her conversation completed the conquest. In +this she discovered a strong and lively understanding, with the sweetest +and most benign temper. This lovely creature was about eighteen when I +first unhappily beheld her at Rome, on a visit to a relation with whom I +had great intimacy. As our interviews at first were extremely frequent, +my passions were captivated before I apprehended the least danger; and +the sooner probably, as the young lady herself, to whom I consulted +every method of recommendation, was not displeased with my being her +admirer. + +"Ariadne, having spent three months at Rome, now returned to Naples, +bearing my heart with her: on the other hand, I had all the assurances +consistent with the constraint under which the most perfect modesty lays +a young woman, that her own heart was not entirely unaffected. I soon +found her absence gave me an uneasiness not easy to be borne or +to remove. I now first applied to diversions (of the graver sort, +particularly to music), but in vain; they rather raised my desires and +heightened my anguish. My passion at length grew so violent, that I +began to think of satisfying it. As the first step to this, I cautiously +inquired into the circumstances of Ariadne's parents, with which I was +hitherto unacquainted: though, indeed, I did not apprehend they were +extremely great, notwithstanding the handsome appearance of their +daughter at Rome. Upon examination, her fortune exceeded my expectation, +but was not sufficient to justify my marriage with her, in the opinion +of the wise and prudent. I had now a violent struggle between wisdom +and happiness, in which, after several grievous pangs, wisdom got +the better. I could by no means prevail with myself to sacrifice that +character of profound wisdom, which I had with such uniform conduct +obtained, and with such caution hitherto preserved. I therefore resolved +to conquer my affection, whatever it cost me; and indeed it did not cost +me a little. + +"While I was engaged in this conflict (for it lasted a long time) +Ariadne returned to Rome: her presence was a terrible enemy to my +wisdom, which even in her absence had with great difficulty stood +its ground. It seems (as she hath since told me in Elysium with much +merriment) I had made the same impressions on her which she had made on +me. Indeed, I believe my wisdom would have been totally subdued by this +surprise, had it not cunningly suggested to me a method of satisfying my +passion without doing any injury to my reputation. This was by engaging +her privately as a mistress, which was at that time reputable enough +at Rome, provided the affair was managed with an air of slyness and +gravity, though the secret was known to the whole city. + +"I immediately set about this project, and employed every art and engine +to effect it. I had particularly bribed her priest, and an old female +acquaintance and distant relation of hers, into my interest: but all +was in vain; her virtue opposed the passion in her breast as strongly as +wisdom had opposed it in mine. She received my proposals with the utmost +disdain, and presently refused to see or hear from me any more. + +"She returned again to Naples, and left me in a worse condition than +before. My days I now passed with the most irksome uneasiness, and +my nights were restless and sleepless. The story of our amour was now +pretty public, and the ladies talked of our match as certain; but my +acquaintance denied their assent, saying, 'No, no, he is too wise to +marry so imprudently.' This their opinion gave me, I own, very great +pleasure; but, to say the truth, scarce compensated the pangs I suffered +to preserve it. + +"One day, while I was balancing with myself, and had almost resolved +to enjoy my happiness at the price of my character, a friend brought +me word that Ariadne was married. This news struck me to the soul; and +though I had resolution enough to maintain my gravity before him (for +which I suffered not a little the more), the moment I was alone I threw +myself into the most violent fit of despair, and would willingly have +parted with wisdom, fortune, and everything else, to have retrieved her; +but that was impossible, and I had now nothing but time to hope a cure +from. This was very tedious in performing it, and the longer as Ariadne +had married a Roman cavalier, was now become my near neighbor, and I had +the mortification of seeing her make the best of wives, and of having +the happiness which I had lost, every day before my eyes. + +"If I suffered so much on account of my wisdom in having refused +Ariadne, I was not much more obliged to it for procuring me a rich +widow, who was recommended to me by an old friend as a very prudent +match; and, indeed, so it was, her fortune being superior to mine in +the same proportion as that of Ariadne had been inferior. I therefore +embraced this proposal, and my character of wisdom soon pleaded so +effectually for me with the widow, who was herself a woman of great +gravity and discretion, that I soon succeeded; and as soon as decency +would permit (of which this lady was the strictest observer) we were +married, being the second day of the second week of the second year +after her husband's death; for she said she thought some period of time +above the year had a great air of decorum. + +"But, prudent as this lady was, she made me miserable. Her person was +far from being lovely, but her temper was intolerable. + +"During fifteen years' habitation, I never passed a single day without +heartily cursing her, and the hour in which we came together. The only +comfort I received, in the midst of the highest torments, was from +continually hearing the prudence of my match commended by all my +acquaintance. + +"Thus you see, in the affairs of love, I bought the reputation of +wisdom pretty dear. In other matters I had it somewhat cheaper; not that +hypocrisy, which was the price I gave for it, gives one no pain. I have +refused myself a thousand little amusements with a feigned contempt, +while I have really had an inclination to them. I have often almost +choked myself to restrain from laughing at a jest, and (which was +perhaps to myself the least hurtful of all my hypocrisy) have heartily +enjoyed a book in my closet which I have spoken with detestation of in +public. To sum up my history in short, as I had few adventures worth +remembering, my whole life was one constant lie; and happy would it have +been for me if I could as thoroughly have imposed on myself as I did on +others: for reflection, at every turn, would often remind me I was +not so wise as people thought me; and this considerably embittered the +pleasure I received from the public commendation of my wisdom. This +self-admonition, like a memento mori or mortalis es, must be, in my +opinion, a very dangerous enemy to flattery: indeed, a weight sufficient +to counterbalance all the false praise of the world. But whether it be +that the generality of wise men do not reflect at all, or whether they +have, from a constant imposition on others, contracted such a habit of +deceit as to deceive themselves, I will not determine: it is, I believe, +most certain that very few wise men know themselves what fools they are, +more than the world doth. Good gods! could one but see what passes in +the closet of wisdom! how ridiculous a sight must it be to behold the +wise man, who despises gratifying his palate, devouring custard; the +sober wise man with his dram-bottle; or, the anti-carnalist (if I may +be allowed the expression) chuckling over a b--dy book or picture, and +perhaps caressing his house-maid! + +"But to conclude a character in which I apprehend I made as absurd a +figure as in any in which I trod the stage of earth, my wisdom at last +but an end to itself, that is, occasioned my dissolution. + +"A relation of mine in the eastern part of the empire disinherited his +son, and left me his heir. This happened in the depth of winter, when +I was in my grand climacteric, and had just recovered of a dangerous +disease. As I had all the reason imaginable to apprehend the family of +the deceased would conspire against me, and embezzle as much as they +could, I advised with a grave and wise friend what was proper to be +done; whether I should go myself, or employ a notary on this occasion, +and defer my journey to the spring. To say the truth, I was most +inclined to the latter; the rather as my circumstances were extremely +flourishing, as I was advanced in years, and had not one person in the +world to whom I should with pleasure bequeath any fortune at my death. + +"My friend told me he thought my question admitted of no manner of +doubt or debate; that common prudence absolutely required my immediate +departure; adding, that if the same good luck had happened to him he +would have been already on his journey; 'for,' continued he, 'a man who +knows the world so well as you, would be inexcusable to give persons +such an opportunity of cheating you, who, you must be assured, will +be too well inclined; and as for employing a notary, remember that +excellent maxim, Ne facias per alium, quod fieri potest per te. I +own the badness of the season and your very late recovery are unlucky +circumstances; but a wise man must get over difficulties when necessity +obliges him to encounter them.' + +"I was immediately determined by this opinion. The duty of a wise man +made an irresistible impression, and I took the necessity for granted +without examination. I accordingly set forward the next morning; very +tempestuous weather soon overtook me; I had not traveled three days +before I relapsed into my fever, and died. + +"I was now as cruelly disappointed by Minos as I had formerly been +happily so. I advanced with the utmost confidence to the gate, and +really imagined I should have been admitted by the wisdom of my +countenance, even without any questions asked: but this was not my case; +and, to my great surprise, Minos, with a menacing voice, called out to +me, 'You Mr. there, with the grave countenance, whither so fast, pray? +Will you please, before you move any farther forwards, to give me a +short account of your transactions below?' I then began, and recounted +to him my whole history, still expecting at the end of every period that +the gate would be ordered to fly open; but I was obliged to go quite +through with it, and then Minos after some little consideration spoke to +me as follows:-- + +"'You, Mr. Wiseman, stand forth if you please. Believe me, sir, a trip +back again to earth will be one of the wisest steps you ever took, +and really more to the honor of your wisdom than any you have hitherto +taken. On the other side, nothing could be simpler than to endeavor at +Elysium; for who but a fool would carry a commodity, which is of such +infinite value in one place, into another where it is of none? But, +without attempting to offend your gravity with a jest, you must return +to the place from whence you came, for Elysium was never designed for +those who are too wise to be happy.' + +"This sentence confounded me greatly, especially as it seemed to +threaten me with carrying my wisdom back again to earth. I told the +judge, though he would not admit me at the gate, I hoped I had committed +no crime while alive which merited my being wise any longer. He answered +me, I must take my chance as to that matter, and immediately we turned +our backs to each other." + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + + Julian enters into the person of a king. + +"I was now born at Oviedo in Spain. My father's name was Veremond, and I +was adopted by my uncle king Alphonso the chaste. + +"I don't recollect in all the pilgrimages I have made on earth that I +ever passed a more miserable infancy than now; being under the utmost +confinement and restraint, and surrounded with physicians who were +ever dosing me, and tutors who were continually plaguing me with their +instructions; even those hours of leisure which my inclination would +have spent in play were allotted to tedious pomp and ceremony, which, +at an age wherein I had no ambition to enjoy the servility of courtiers, +enslaved me more than it could the meanest of them. However, as I +advanced towards manhood, my condition made me some amends; for the most +beautiful women of their own accord threw out lures for me, and I had +the happiness, which no man in an inferior degree can arrive at, of +enjoying the most delicious creatures, without the previous and +tiresome ceremonies of courtship, unless with the most simple, young and +unexperienced. As for the court ladies, they regarded me rather as men +do the most lovely of the other sex; and, though they outwardly retained +some appearance of modesty, they in reality rather considered themselves +as receiving than conferring favors. + +"Another happiness I enjoyed was in conferring favors of another sort; +for, as I was extremely good-natured and generous, so I had daily +opportunities of satisfying those passions. Besides my own princely +allowance, which was very bountiful, and with which I did many liberal +and good actions, I recommended numberless persons of merit in distress +to the king's notice, most of whom were provided for. Indeed, had I +sufficiently known my blessed situation at this time, I should have +grieved at nothing more than the death of Alphonso, by which the burden +of government devolved upon me; but, so blindly fond is ambition, and +such charms doth it fancy in the power and pomp and splendor of a +crown, that, though I vehemently loved that king, and had the greatest +obligations to him, the thoughts of succeeding him obliterated my regret +at his loss, and the wish for my approaching coronation dried my eyes at +his funeral. + +"But my fondness for the name of king did not make me forgetful of those +over whom I was to reign. I considered them in the light in which a +tender father regards his children, as persons whose wellbeing God +had intrusted to my care; and again, in that in which a prudent lord +respects his tenants, as those on whose wealth and grandeur he is to +build his own. Both these considerations inspired me with the greatest +care for their welfare, and their good was my first and ultimate +concern. + +"The usurper Mauregas had impiously obliged himself and his successors +to pay to the Moors every year an infamous tribute of an hundred young +virgins: from this cruel and scandalous imposition I resolved to relieve +my country. Accordingly, when their emperor Abderames the second had the +audaciousness to make this demand of me, instead of complying with it I +ordered his ambassadors to be driven away with all imaginable ignominy, +and would have condemned them to death, could I have done it without a +manifest violation of the law of nations. + +"I now raised an immense army; at the levying of which I made a speech +from my throne, acquainting my subjects with the necessity and the +reasons of the war in which I was going to engage: which I convinced +them I had undertaken for their ease and safety, and not for satisfying +any wanton ambition, or revenging any private pique of my own. They all +declared unanimously that they would venture their lives and everything +dear to them in my defense, and in the support of the honor of my crown. +Accordingly, my levies were instantly complete, sufficient numbers +being only left to till the land; churchmen, even bishops themselves, +enlisting themselves under my banners. + +"The armies met at Alvelda, where we were discomfited with immense loss, +and nothing but the lucky intervention of the night could have saved our +whole army. + +"I retreated to the summit of a hill, where I abandoned myself to the +highest agonies of grief, not so much for the danger in which I then saw +my crown, as for the loss of those miserable wretches who had exposed +their lives at my command. I could not then avoid this reflection--that, +if the deaths of these people in a war undertaken absolutely for their +protection could give me such concern, what horror must I have felt if, +like princes greedy of dominion, I had sacrificed such numbers to my own +pride, vanity, and ridiculous lust of power. + +"After having vented my sorrows for some time in this manner, I began +to consider by what means I might possibly endeavor to retrieve this +misfortune; when, reflecting on the great number of priests I had in +my army, and on the prodigious force of superstition, a thought luckily +suggested itself to me, to counterfeit that St. James had appeared to me +in a vision, and had promised me the victory. While I was ruminating on +this the bishop of Najara came opportunely to me. As I did not intend +to communicate the secret to him, I took another method, and, instead +of answering anything the bishop said to me, I pretended to talk to St. +James, as if he had been really present; till at length, after having +spoke those things which I thought sufficient, and thanked the saint +aloud for his promise of the victory, I turned about to the bishop, and, +embracing him with a pleased countenance, protested I did not know he +was present; and then, informing him of this supposed vision, I asked +him if he had not himself seen the saint? He answered me he had; and +afterwards proceeded to assure me that this appearance of St. James was +entirely owing to his prayers; for that he was his tutelar saint. He +added he had a vision of him a few hours before, when he promised him +a victory over the infidels, and acquainted him at the same time of the +vacancy of the see of Toledo. Now, this news being really true, though +it had happened so lately that I had not heard of it (nor, indeed, was +it well possible I should, considering the great distance of the way), +when I was afterwards acquainted with it, a little staggered me, though +far from being superstitious; till being informed that the bishop had +lost three horses on a late expedition, I was satisfied. + +"The next morning, the bishop, at my desire, mounted the rostrum, and +trumpeted forth this vision so effectually, which he said he had that +evening twice seen with his own eyes, that a spirit began to be infused +through the whole army which rendered them superior to almost any force: +the bishop insisted that the least doubt of success was giving the lie +to the saint, and a damnable sin, and he took upon him in his name to +promise them victory. + +"The army being drawn out, I soon experienced the effect of enthusiasm, +for, having contrived another stratagem [9] to strengthen what the +bishop had said, the soldiers fought more like furies than men. My +stratagem was this: I had about me a dexterous fellow, who had been +formerly a pimp in my amours. Him I dressed up in a strange antic dress, +with a pair of white colors in his right hand, a red cross in his left, +and having disguised him so that no one could know him, I placed him on +a white horse, and ordered him to ride to the head of the army, and cry +out, 'Follow St. James!' These words were reiterated by all the troops, +who attacked the enemy with such intrepidity, that, notwithstanding our +inferiority of numbers, we soon obtained a complete victory. + +"The bishop was come up by the time that the enemy was routed, and, +acquainting us that he had met St. James by the way, and that he had +informed him of what had passed, he added that he had express orders +from the saint to receive a considerable sum for his use, and that a +certain tax on corn and wine should be settled on his church for ever; +and lastly, that a horseman's pay should be allowed for the future +to the saint himself, of which he and his successors were appointed +receivers. The army received these demands with such acclamations that +I was obliged to comply with them, as I could by no means discover the +imposition, nor do I believe I should have gained any credit if I had. + +"I had now done with the saint, but the bishop had not; for about a week +afterwards lights were seen in a wood near where the battle was fought; +and in a short time afterwards they discovered his tomb at the same +place. Upon this the bishop made me a visit, and forced me to go +thither, to build a church to him, and largely endow it. In a word, the +good man so plagued me with miracle after miracle, that I was forced to +make interest with the pope to convey him to Toledo, to get rid of him. + +"But to proceed to other matters.--There was an inferior officer, +who had behaved very bravely in the battle against the Moors, and had +received several wounds, who solicited me for preferment; which I was +about to confer on him, when one of my ministers came to me in a fright, +and told me that he had promised the post I designed for this man to the +son of count Alderedo; and that the count, who was a powerful person, +would be greatly disobliged at the refusal, as he had sent for his son +from school to take possession of it. I was obliged to agree with my +minister's reasons, and at the same time recommended the wounded soldier +to be preferred by him, which he faithfully promised he would; but I +met the poor wretch since in Elysium, who informed me he was afterwards +starved to death. + +"None who hath not been himself a prince, nor any prince till his death, +can conceive the impositions daily put on them by their favorites and +ministers; so that princes are often blamed for the faults of others. +The count of Saldagne had been long confined in prison, when his son, D. +Bernard del Carpio, who had performed the greatest actions against +the Moors, entreated me, as a reward for his service, to grant him his +father's liberty. The old man's punishment had been so tedious, and +the services of the young one so singularly eminent, that I was very +inclinable to grant the request; but my ministers strongly opposed it; +they told me my glory demanded revenge for the dishonor offered to my +family; that so positive a demand carried with it rather the air of +menace than entreaty; that the vain detail of his services, and the +recompense due to them, was an injurious reproach; that to grant what +had been so haughtily demanded would argue in the monarch both weakness +and timidity; in a word, that to remit the punishment inflicted by my +predecessors would be to condemn their judgment. Lastly, one told me in +a whisper, 'His whole family are enemies to your house.' By these means +the ministers prevailed. The young lord took the refusal so ill, that he +retired from court, and abandoned himself to despair, whilst the old one +languished in prison. By which means, as I have since discovered, I lost +the use of two of my best subjects. + +"To confess the truth, I had, by means of my ministers, conceived a very +unjust opinion of my whole people, whom I fancied to be daily conspiring +against me, and to entertain the most disloyal thoughts, when, in +reality (as I have known since my death), they held me in universal +respect and esteem. This is a trick, I believe, too often played with +sovereigns, who, by such means, are prevented from that open intercourse +with their subjects which, as it would greatly endear the person of the +prince to the people, so might it often prove dangerous to a minister +who was consulting his own interest only at the expense of both. I +believe I have now recounted to you the most material passages of my +life; for I assure you there are some incidents in the lives of kings +not extremely worth relating. Everything which passes in their minds +and families is not attended with the splendor which surrounds their +throne--indeed, there are some hours wherein the naked king and the +naked cobbler can scarce be distinguished from each other. + +"Had it not been, however, for my ingratitude to Bernard del Carpio, I +believe this would have been my last pilgrimage on earth; for, as to the +story of St. James, I thought Minos would have burst his sides at it; +but he was so displeased with me on the other account, that, with a +frown, he cried out, 'Get thee back again, king.' Nor would he suffer me +to say another word." + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + + Julian passes into a fool. + +"The next visit I made to the world was performed in France, where I +was born in the court of Lewis III, and had afterwards the honor to be +preferred to be fool to the prince, who was surnamed Charles the Simple. +But, in reality, I know not whether I might so properly be said to have +acted the fool in his court as to have made fools of all others in it. +Certain it is, I was very far from being what is generally understood by +that word, being a most cunning, designing, arch knave. I knew very well +the folly of my master, and of many others, and how to make my advantage +of this knowledge. + +"I was as dear to Charles the Simple as the player Paris was to +Domitian, and, like him, bestowed all manner of offices and honors +on whom I pleased. This drew me a great number of followers among +the courtiers, who really mistook me for a fool, and yet flattered my +understanding. There was particularly in the court a fellow who had +neither honor, honesty, sense, wit, courage, beauty, nor indeed any one +good quality, either of mind or body, to recommend him; but was at the +same time, perhaps, as cunning a monster as ever lived. This gentleman +took it into his head to list under my banner, and pursued me so very +assiduously with flattery, constantly reminding me of my good sense, +that I grew immoderately fond of him; for though flattery is not most +judiciously applied to qualities which the persons flattered possess, +yet as, notwithstanding my being well assured of my own parts, I passed +in the whole court for a fool, this flattery was a very sweet morsel to +me. I therefore got this fellow preferred to a bishopric, but I lost my +flatterer by it; for he never afterwards said a civil thing to me. + +"I never balked my imagination for the grossness of the reflection on +the character of the greatest noble--nay, even the king himself; of +which I will give you a very bold instance. One day his simple majesty +told me he believed I had so much power that his people looked on me as +the king, and himself as my fool. + +"At this I pretended to be angry, as with an affront. 'Why, how now?' +says the king; 'are you ashamed of being a king?' 'No, sir,' says I, +'but I am devilishly ashamed of my fool.' + +"Herbert, earl of Vermandois, had by my means been restored to the favor +of the Simple (for so I used always to call Charles). He afterwards +prevailed with the king to take the city of Arras from earl Baldwin, by +which means, Herbert, in exchange for this city, had Peronne restored +to him by count Altmar. Baldwin came to court in order to procure +the restoration of his city; but, either through pride or ignorance, +neglected to apply to me. As I met him at court during his solicitation, +I told him he did not apply the right way; he answered roughly he should +not ask a fool's advice. I replied I did not wonder at his prejudice, +since he had miscarried already by following a fool's advice; but I told +him there were fools who had more interest than that he had brought with +him to court. He answered me surlily he had no fool with him, for that +he traveled alone. 'Ay, my lord,' says I, 'I often travel alone, and yet +they will have it I always carry a fool with me.' This raised a laugh +among the by-standers, on which he gave me a blow. I immediately +complained of this usage to the Simple, who dismissed the earl from +court with very hard words, instead of granting him the favor he +solicited. + +"I give you these rather as a specimen of my interest and impudence than +of my wit--indeed, my jests were commonly more admired than they ought +to be; for perhaps I was not in reality much more a wit than a fool. +But, with the latitude of unbounded scurrility, it is easy enough +to attain the character of wit, especially in a court, where, as all +persons hate and envy one another heartily, and are at the same time +obliged by the constrained behavior of civility to profess the greatest +liking, so it is, and must be, wonderfully pleasant to them to see the +follies of their acquaintance exposed by a third person. Besides, the +opinion of the court is as uniform as the fashion, and is always +guided by the will of the prince or of the favorite. I doubt not that +Caligula's horse was universally held in his court to be a good and +able consul. In the same manner was I universally acknowledged to be the +wittiest fool in the world. Every word I said raised laughter, and +was held to be a jest, especially by the ladies, who sometimes laughed +before I had discovered my sentiment, and often repeated that as a jest +which I did not even intend as one. + +"I was as severe on the ladies as on the men, and with the same +impunity; but this at last cost me dear: for once having joked on the +beauty of a lady whose name was Adelaide, a favorite of the Simple's, +she pretended to smile and be pleased at my wit with the rest of the +company; but in reality she highly resented it, and endeavored to +undermine me with the king. In which she so greatly succeeded (for what +cannot a favorite woman do with one who deserves the surname of Simple?) +that the king grew every day more reserved to me, and when I attempted +any freedom gave me such marks of his displeasure, that the courtiers +who have all hawks' eyes at a slight from the sovereign, soon discerned +it: and indeed, had I been blind enough not to have discovered that I +had lost ground in the Simple's favor by his own change in his carriage +towards me, I must have found it, nay even felt it, in the behavior of +the courtiers: for, as my company was two days before solicited with the +utmost eagerness, it was now rejected with as much scorn. I was now the +jest of the ushers and pages; and an officer of the guards, on whom I +was a little jocose, gave me a box on the ear, bidding me make free with +my equals. This very fellow had been my butt for many years, without +daring to lift his hand against me. + +"But though I visibly perceived the alteration in the Simple, I was +utterly unable to make any guess at the occasion. I had not the least +suspicion of Adelaide; for, besides her being a very good-humored woman, +I had often made severe jests on her reputation, which I had all the +reason imaginable to believe had given her no offense. But I soon +perceived that a woman will bear the most bitter censures on her morals +easier than the smallest reflection on her beauty; for she now declared +publicly, that I ought to be dismissed from court, as the stupidest of +fools, and one in whom there was no diversion; and that she wondered how +any person could have so little taste as to imagine I had any wit. +This speech was echoed through the drawing-room, and agreed to by all +present. Every one now put on an unusual gravity on their countenance +whenever I spoke; and it was as much out of my power to raise a laugh as +formerly it had been for me to open my mouth without one. + +"While my affairs were in this posture I went one day into the circle +without my fool's dress. The Simple, who would still speak to me, cried +out, 'So, fool, what's the matter now?' 'Sir,' answered I, 'fools are +like to be so common a commodity at court, that I am weary of my coat.' +'How dost thou mean?' answered the Simple; 'what can make them commoner +now than usual?'--'O, sir,' said I, 'there are ladies here make your +majesty a fool every day of their lives.' The Simple took no notice +of my jest, and several present said my bones ought to be broke for my +impudence; but it pleased the queen, who, knowing Adelaide, whom she +hated, to be the cause of my disgrace, obtained me of the king, and took +me into her service; so that I was henceforth called the queen's fool, +and in her court received the same honor, and had as much wit, as I had +formerly had in the king's. But as the queen had really no power +unless over her own domestics, I was not treated in general with that +complacence, nor did I receive those bribes and presents, which had once +fallen to my share. + +"Nor did this confined respect continue long: for the queen, who had in +fact no taste for humor, soon grew sick of my foolery, and, forgetting +the cause for which she had taken me, neglected me so much, that her +court grew intolerable to my temper, and I broke my heart and died. + +"Minos laughed heartily at several things in my story, and then, telling +me no one played the fool in Elysium, bid me go back again." + + + + +CHAPTER XIX + + Julian appears in the character of a beggar. + +"I now returned to Rome, and was born into a very poor and numerous +family, which, to be honest with you, procured its livelihood by +begging. This, if you was never yourself of the calling, you do not +know, I suppose, to be as regular a trade as any other; to have its +several rules and secrets, or mysteries, which to learn require perhaps +as tedious an apprenticeship as those of any craft whatever. + +"The first thing we are taught is the countenance miserable. This indeed +nature makes much easier to some than others; but there are none who +cannot accomplish it, if they begin early enough in youth, and before +the muscles are grown too stubborn. + +"The second thing is the voice lamentable. In this qualification too, +nature must have her share in producing the most consummate excellence: +however, art will here, as in every other instance, go a great way +with industry and application, even without the assistance of genius, +especially if the student begins young. + +"There are many other instructions, but these are the most considerable. +The women are taught one practice more than the men, for they are +instructed in the art of crying, that is, to have their tears ready on +all occasions: but this is attained very easily by most. Some indeed +arrive at the utmost perfection in this art with incredible facility. + +"No profession requires a deeper insight into human nature than the +beggar's. Their knowledge of the passions of men is so extensive, that +I have often thought it would be of no little service to a politician +to have his education among them. Nay, there is a much greater analogy +between these two characters than is imagined; for both concur in their +first and grand principle, it being equally their business to delude and +impose on mankind. It must be confessed that they differ widely in the +degree of advantage which they make by their deceit; for, whereas the +beggar is contented with a little, the politician leaves but a little +behind. + +"A very great English philosopher hath remarked our policy, in taking +care never to address any one with a title inferior to what he really +claims. My father was of the same opinion; for I remember when I was a +boy, the pope happening to pass by, I tended him with 'Pray, sir;' 'For +God's sake, sir;' 'For the Lord's sake, sir;'--To which he answered +gravely, 'Sirrah, sirrah, you ought to be whipped for taking the Lord's +name in vain;' and in vain it was indeed, for he gave me nothing. My +father, overhearing this, took his advice, and whipped me very severely. +While I was under correction I promised often never to take the Lord's +name in vain any more. My father then said, 'Child, I do not whip you +for taking his name in vain; I whip you for not calling the pope his +holiness.' + +"If all men were so wise and good to follow the clergy's example, the +nuisance of beggars would soon be removed. I do not remember to have +been above twice relieved by them during my whole state of beggary. Once +was by a very well-looking man, who gave me a small piece of silver, and +declared he had given me more than he had left himself; the other was +by a spruce young fellow, who had that very day first put on his robes, +whom I attended with 'Pray, reverend sir, good reverend sir, consider +your cloth.' He answered, 'I do, child, consider my office, and I hope +all our cloth do the same.' He then threw down some money, and strutted +off with great dignity. + +"With the women I had one general formulary: 'Sweet pretty lady,' 'God +bless your ladyship,' 'God bless your handsome face.' This generally +succeeded; but I observed the uglier the woman was, the surer I was of +success. + +"It was a constant maxim among us, that the greater retinue any one +traveled with the less expectation we might promise ourselves from them; +but whenever we saw a vehicle with a single or no servant we imagined +our booty sure, and were seldom deceived. + +"We observed great difference introduced by time and circumstance in the +same person; for instance, a losing gamester is sometimes generous, but +from a winner you will as easily obtain his soul as a single groat. A +lawyer traveling from his country seat to his clients at Rome, and a +physician going to visit a patient, were always worth asking; but the +same on their return were (according to our cant phrase) untouchable. + +"The most general, and indeed the truest, maxim among us was, that those +who possessed the least were always the readiest to give. The chief art +of a beggar-man is, therefore, to discern the rich from the poor, which, +though it be only distinguishing substance from shadow, is by no +means attainable without a pretty good capacity and a vast degree of +attention; for these two are eternally industrious in endeavoring to +counterfeit each other. In this deceit the poor man is more heartily +in earnest to deceive you than the rich, who, amidst all the emblems +of poverty which he puts on, still permits some mark of his wealth to +strike the eye. Thus, while his apparel is not worth a groat, his finger +wears a ring of value, or his pocket a gold watch. In a word, he seems +rather to affect poverty to insult than impose on you. Now the poor man, +on the contrary, is very sincere in his desire of passing for rich; but +the eagerness of this desire hurries him to over-act his part, and he +betrays himself as one who is drunk by his overacted sobriety. Thus, +instead of being attended by one servant well mounted, he will have two; +and, not being able to purchase or maintain a second horse of value, +one of his servants at least is mounted on a hired rascallion. He is +not contented to go plain and neat in his clothes; he therefore claps on +some tawdry ornament, and what he adds to the fineness of his vestment +he detracts from the fineness of his linen. Without descending into more +minute particulars, I believe I may assert it as an axiom of indubitable +truth, that whoever shows you he is either in himself or his equipage +as gaudy as he can, convinces you he is more so than he can afford. Now, +whenever a man's expense exceeds his income, he is indifferent in the +degree; we had therefore nothing more to do with such than to flatter +them with their wealth and splendor, and were always certain of success. + +"There is, indeed, one kind of rich man who is commonly more liberal, +namely, where riches surprise him, as it were, in the midst of poverty +and distress, the consequence of which is, I own, sometimes excessive +avarice, but oftener extreme prodigality. I remember one of these who, +having received a pretty large sum of money, gave me, when I begged +an obolus, a whole talent; on which his friend having reproved him, he +answered, with an oath, 'Why not? Have I not fifty left?' + +"The life of a beggar, if men estimated things by their real essence, +and not by their outward false appearance, would be, perhaps, a more +desirable situation than any of those which ambition persuades us, with +such difficulty, danger, and often villainy, to aspire to. The wants of +a beggar are commonly as chimerical as the abundance of a nobleman; +for besides vanity, which a judicious beggar will always apply to with +wonderful efficacy, there are in reality very few natures so hardened as +not to compassionate poverty and distress, when the predominancy of some +other passion doth not prevent them. + +"There is one happiness which attends money got with ease, namely, that +it is never hoarded; otherwise, as we have frequent opportunities of +growing rich, that canker care might prey upon our quiet, as it doth on +others; but our money stock we spend as fast as we acquire it; usually +at least, for I speak not without exception; thus it gives us mirth +only, and no trouble. Indeed, the luxury of our lives might introduce +diseases, did not our daily exercise prevent them. This gives us an +appetite and relish for our dainties, and at the same time an antidote +against the evil effects which sloth, united with luxury, induces on the +habit of a human body. Our women we enjoy with ecstasies at least equal +to what the greatest men feel in their embraces. I can, I am assured, +say of myself, that no mortal could reap more perfect happiness from +the tender passion than my fortune had decreed me. I married a charming +young woman for love; she was the daughter of a neighboring beggar, who, +with an improvidence too often seen, spent a very large income which he +procured by his profession, so that he was able to give her no +fortune down; however, at his death he left her a very well accustomed +begging-hut, situated on the side of a steep hill, where travelers +could not immediately escape from us, and a garden adjoining, being the +twenty-eighth part of an acre, well planted. + +"She made the best of wives, bore me nineteen children, and never failed, +unless on her lying-in, which generally lasted three days, to get +my supper ready against my return home in an evening; this being my +favorite meal, and at which I, as well as my whole family, greatly +enjoyed ourselves; the principal subject of our discourse being +generally the boons we had that day obtained, on which occasions, +laughing at the folly of the donors made no inconsiderable part of +the entertainment; for, whatever might be their motive for giving, we +constantly imputed our success to our having flattered their vanity, or +overreached their understanding. + +"But perhaps I have dwelt too long on this character; I shall conclude, +therefore, with telling you that after a life of 102 years' continuance, +during all which I had never known any sickness or infirmity but that +which old age necessarily induced, I at last, without the least pain, +went out like the snuff of a candle. + +"Minos, having heard my history, bid me compute, if I could, how +many lies I had told in my life. As we are here, by a certain fated +necessity, obliged to confine ourselves to truth, I answered, I believed +about 50,000,000. He then replied, with a frown, 'Can such a wretch +conceive any hopes of entering Elysium?' I immediately turned about, +and, upon the whole, was rejoiced at his not calling me back." + + + + +CHAPTER XX + + Julian performs the part of a statesman. + +"It was now my fortune to be born of a German princess; but a +man-midwife, pulling my head off in delivering my mother, put a speedy +end to my princely life. + +"Spirits who end their lives before they are at the age of five years +are immediately ordered into other bodies; and it was now my fortune +to perform several infancies before I could again entitle myself to an +examination of Minos. + +"At length I was destined once more to play a considerable part on the +stage. I was born in England, in the reign of Ethelred II. My father's +name was Ulnoth: he was earl or thane of Sussex. I was afterwards known +by the name of earl Goodwin, and began to make a considerable figure +in the world in the time of Harold Harefoot, whom I procured to be made +king of Wessex, or the West Saxons, in prejudice of Hardicanute, whose +mother Emma endeavored afterwards to set another of her sons on the +throne; but I circumvented her, and, communicating her design to the +king, at the same time acquainted him with a project which I had formed +for the murder of these two young princes. Emma had sent for these her +sons from Normandy, with the king's leave, whom she had deceived by her +religious behavior, and pretended neglect of all worldly affairs; but I +prevailed with Harold to invite these princes to his court, and put +them to death. The prudent mother sent only Alfred, retaining Edward +to herself, as she suspected my ill designs, and thought I should not +venture to execute them on one of her sons, while she secured the other; +but she was deceived, for I had no sooner Alfred in my possession than +I caused him to be conducted to Ely, where I ordered his eyes to be put +out, and afterwards to be confined in a monastery. + +"This was one of those cruel expedients which great men satisfy +themselves well in executing, by concluding them to be necessary to the +service of their prince, who is the support of their ambition. + +"Edward, the other son of Emma, escaped again to Normandy; whence, after +the death of Harold and Hardicanute, he made no scruple of applying to +my protection and favor, though he had before prosecuted me with all the +vengeance he was able, for the murder of his brother; but in all great +affairs private relation must yield to public interest. Having therefore +concluded very advantageous terms for myself with him, I made no scruple +of patronizing his cause, and soon placed him on the throne. Nor did I +conceive the least apprehension from his resentment, as I knew my power +was too great for him to encounter. + +"Among other stipulated conditions, one was to marry my daughter Editha. +This Edward consented to with great reluctance, and I had afterwards +no reason to be pleased with it; for it raised her, who had been my +favorite child, to such an opinion of greatness, that, instead of paying +me the usual respect, she frequently threw in my teeth (as often at +least as I gave her any admonition), that she was now a queen, and +that the character and title of father merged in that of subject. This +behavior, however, did not cure me of my affection towards her, nor +lessen the uneasiness which I afterwards bore on Edward's dismissing her +from his bed. + +"One thing which principally induced me to labor the promotion of Edward +was the simplicity or weakness of that prince, under whom I promised +myself absolute dominion under another name. Nor did this opinion +deceive me; for, during his whole reign, my administration was in the +highest degree despotic: I had everything of royalty but the outward +ensigns; no man ever applying for a place, or any kind of preferment, +but to me only. A circumstance which, as it greatly enriched my coffers, +so it no less pampered my ambition, and satisfied my vanity with a +numerous attendance; and I had the pleasure of seeing those who only +bowed to the king prostrating themselves before me. + +"Edward the Confessor, or St. Edward, as some have called him, in +derision I suppose, being a very silly fellow, had all the faults +incident, and almost inseparable, to fools. He married my daughter +Editha from his fear of disobliging me; and afterwards, out of hatred to +me, refused even to consummate his marriage, though she was one of the +most beautiful women of her age. He was likewise guilty of the basest +ingratitude to his mother (a vice to which fools are chiefly, if not +only, liable); and, in return for her endeavors to procure him a throne +in his youth, confined her in a loathsome prison in her old age. +This, it is true, he did by my advice; but as to her walking over nine +plowshares red-hot, and giving nine manors, when she had not one in her +possession, there is not a syllable of veracity in it. + +"The first great perplexity I fell into was on the account of my son +Swane, who had deflowered the abbess of Leon, since called Leominster, +in Herefordshire. After this fact he retired into Denmark, whence he +sent to me to obtain his pardon. The king at first refused it, being +moved thereto, as I afterwards found, by some churchmen, particularly by +one of his chaplains, whom I had prevented from obtaining a bishopric. +Upon this my son Swane invaded the coasts with several ships, and +committed many outrageous cruelties; which, indeed, did his business, as +they served me to apply to the fear of this king, which I had long +since discovered to be his predominant passion. And, at last, he who had +refused pardon to his first offense submitted to give it him after he +had committed many other more monstrous crimes; by which his pardon lost +all grace to the offended, and received double censure from all others. + +"The king was greatly inclined to the Normans, had created a Norman +archbishop of Canterbury, and had heaped extraordinary favors on him. +I had no other objection to this man than that he rose without my +assistance; a cause of dislike which, in the reign of great and powerful +favorites, hath often proved fatal to the persons who have given it, +as the persons thus raised inspire us constantly with jealousies and +apprehensions. For when we promote any one ourselves, we take effectual +care to preserve such an ascendant over him, that we can at any time +reduce him to his former degree, should he dare to act in opposition to +our wills; for which reason we never suffer any to come near the +prince but such as we are assured it is impossible should be capable of +engaging or improving his affection; no prime minister, as I apprehend, +esteeming himself to be safe while any other shares the ear of his +prince, of whom we are as jealous as the fondest husband can be of his +wife. Whoever, therefore, can approach him by any other channel than +that of ourselves, is, in our opinion, a declared enemy, and one whom +the first principles of policy oblige us to demolish with the utmost +expedition. For the affection of kings is as precarious as that of +women, and the only way to secure either to ourselves is to keep all +others from them. + +"But the archbishop did not let matters rest on suspicion. He soon gave +open proofs of his interest with the Confessor in procuring an office +of some importance for one Rollo, a Roman of mean extraction and very +despicable parts. When I represented to the king the indecency of +conferring such an honor on such a fellow, he answered me that he was +the archbishop's relation. 'Then, sir,' replied I, 'he is related to +your enemy.' Nothing more passed at that time; but I soon perceived, +by the archbishop's behavior, that the king had acquainted him with our +private discourse; a sufficient assurance of his confidence in him and +neglect of me. + +"The favor of princes, when once lost, is recoverable only by the +gaining a situation which may make you terrible to them. As I had no +doubt of having lost all credit with this king, which indeed had been +originally founded and constantly supported by his fear, so I took the +method of terror to regain it. + +"The earl of Boulogne coming over to visit the king gave me an +opportunity of breaking out into open opposition; for, as the earl was +on his return to France, one of his servants, who was sent before to +procure lodgings at Dover, and insisted on having them in the house of a +private man in spite of the owner's teeth, was, in a fray which ensued, +killed on the spot; and the earl himself, arriving there soon after, +very narrowly escaped with his life. The earl, enraged at this affront, +returned to the king at Gloucester with loud complaints and demands +of satisfaction. Edward consented to his demands, and ordered me to +chastise the rioters, who were under my government as earl of Kent: but, +instead of obeying these orders, I answered, with some warmth, that the +English were not used to punish people unheard, nor ought their +rights and privileges to be violated; that the accused should be first +summoned--if guilty, should make satisfaction both with body and estate, +but, if innocent, should be discharged. Adding, with great ferocity, +that as earl of Kent it was my duty to protect those under my government +against the insults of foreigners. + +"This accident was extremely lucky, as it gave my quarrel with the king +a popular color, and so ingratiated me with the people, that when I +set up my standard, which I soon after did, they readily and cheerfully +listed under my banners and embraced my cause, which I persuaded them +was their own; for that it was to protect them against foreigners that +I had drawn my sword. The word foreigners with an Englishman hath a kind +of magical effect, they having the utmost hatred and aversion to them, +arising from the cruelties they suffered from the Danes and some other +foreign nations. No wonder therefore they espoused my cause in a quarrel +which had such a beginning. + +"But what may be somewhat more remarkable is, that when I afterwards +returned to England from banishment, and was at the head of an army of +the Flemish, who were preparing to plunder the city of London, I still +persisted that I was come to defend the English from the danger of +foreigners, and gained their credit. Indeed, there is no lie so gross +but it may be imposed on the people by those whom they esteem their +patrons and defenders. + +"The king saved his city by being reconciled to me, and taking again my +daughter, whom he had put away from him; and thus, having frightened +the king into what concessions I thought proper, I dismissed my army and +fleet, with which I intended, could I not have succeeded otherwise, to +have sacked the city of London and ravaged the whole country. + +"I was no sooner re-established in the king's favor, or, what was +as well for me, the appearance of it, than I fell violently on the +archbishop. He had of himself retired to his monastery in Normandy; but +that did not content me: I had him formally banished, the see declared +vacant, and then filled up by another. + +"I enjoyed my grandeur a very short time after my restoration to it; for +the king, hating and fearing me to a very great degree, and finding no +means of openly destroying me, at last effected his purpose by poison, +and then spread abroad a ridiculous story, of my wishing the next +morsel might choke me if I had had any hand in the death of Alfred; and, +accordingly, that the next morsel, by a divine judgment, stuck in my +throat and performed that office. + +"This of a statesman was one of my worst stages in the other world. It +is a post subjected daily to the greatest danger and inquietude, and +attended with little pleasure and less ease. In a word, it is a pill +which, was it not gilded over by ambition, would appear nauseous and +detestable in the eye of every one; and perhaps that is one reason why +Minos so greatly compassionates the case of those who swallow it: for +that just judge told me he always acquitted a prime minister who could +produce one single good action in his whole life, let him have committed +ever so many crimes. Indeed, I understood him a little too largely, +and was stepping towards the gate; but he pulled me by the sleeve, and, +telling me no prime minister ever entered there, bid me go back again; +saying, he thought I had sufficient reason to rejoice in my escaping +the bottomless pit, which half my crimes committed in any other capacity +would have entitled me to." + + + + +CHAPTER XXI + + Julian's adventures in the post of a soldier. + +"I was born at Caen, in Normandy. My mother's name was Matilda; as for +my father, I am not so certain, for the good woman on her death-bed +assured me she herself could bring her guess to no greater certainty +than to five of duke William's captains. When I was no more than +thirteen (being indeed a surprising stout boy of my age) I enlisted into +the army of duke William, afterwards known by the name of William the +Conqueror, landed with him at Pemesey or Pemsey, in Sussex, and was +present at the famous battle of Hastings. + +"At the first onset it was impossible to describe my consternation, +which was heightened by the fall of two soldiers who stood by me; but +this soon abated, and by degrees, as my blood grew warm, I thought no +more of my own safety, but fell on the enemy with great fury, and did a +good deal of execution; till, unhappily, I received a wound in my thigh, +which rendered me unable to stand any longer, so that I now lay among +the dead, and was constantly exposed to the danger of being trampled to +death, as well by my fellow-soldiers as by the enemy. However, I had the +fortune to escape it, and continued the remaining part of the day and +the night following on the ground. + +"The next morning, the duke sending out parties to bring off the +wounded, I was found almost expiring with loss of blood; notwithstanding +which, as immediate care was taken to dress my wounds, youth and a +robust constitution stood my friends, and I recovered after a long and +tedious indisposition, and was again able to use my limbs and do my +duty. + +"As soon as Dover was taken I was conveyed thither with all the rest of +the sick and wounded. Here I recovered of my wound; but fell afterwards +into a violent flux, which, when it departed, left me so weak that it +was long before I could regain my strength. And what most afflicted me +was, that during my whole illness, when I languished under want as well +as sickness, I had daily the mortification to see and hear the riots +and excess of my fellow-soldiers, who had happily escaped safe from the +battle. + +"I was no sooner well than I was ordered into garrison at Dover Castle. +The officers here fared very indifferently, but the private men much +worse. We had great scarcity of provisions, and, what was yet more +intolerable, were so closely confined for want of room (four of us being +obliged to lie on the same bundle of straw), that many died, and most +sickened. + +"Here I had remained about four months, when one night we were alarmed +with the arrival of the earl of Boulogne, who had come over privily +from France, and endeavored to surprise the castle. The design proved +ineffectual; for the garrison making a brisk sally, most of his men +were tumbled down the precipice, and he returned with a very few back to +France. In this action, however, I had the misfortune to come off with a +broken arm; it was so shattered, that, besides a great deal of pain and +misery which I endured in my cure, I was disabled for upwards of three +months. + +"Soon after my recovery I had contracted an amour with a young +woman whose parents lived near the garrison, and were in much better +circumstances than I had reason to expect should give their consent to +the match. However, as she was extremely fond of me (as I was indeed +distractedly enamored of her), they were prevailed on to comply with her +desires, and the day was fixed for our marriage. + +"On the evening preceding, while I was exulting with the eager +expectation of the happiness I was the next day to enjoy, I received +orders to march early in the morning towards Windsor, where a large army +was to be formed, at the head of which the king intended to march into +the west. Any person who hath ever been in love may easily imagine what +I felt in my mind on receiving those orders; and what still heightened +my torments was, that the commanding officer would not permit any one +to go out of the garrison that evening; so that I had not even an +opportunity of taking leave of my beloved. + +"The morning came which was to have put me in the possession of my +wishes; but, alas! the scene was now changed, and all the hopes which I +had raised were now so many ghosts to haunt, and furies to torment me. + +"It was now the midst of winter, and very severe weather for the season; +when we were obliged to make very long and fatiguing marches, in which +we suffered all the inconveniences of cold and hunger. The night in +which I expected to riot in the arms of my beloved mistress I was +obliged to take up with a lodging on the ground, exposed to the +inclemencies of a rigid frost; nor could I obtain the least comfort of +sleep, which shunned me as its enemy. + +"In short, the horrors of that night are not to be described, or perhaps +imagined. They made such an impression on my soul, that I was forced to +be dipped three times in the river Lethe to prevent my remembering it in +the characters which I afterwards performed in the flesh." + +Here I interrupted Julian for the first time, and told him no such +dipping had happened to me in my voyage from one world to the other: +but he satisfied me by saying "that this only happened to those spirits +which returned into the flesh, in order to prevent that reminiscence +which Plato mentions, and which would otherwise cause great confusion in +the other world." + +He then proceeded as follows: "We continued a very laborious march to +Exeter, which we were ordered to besiege. The town soon surrendered, and +his majesty built a castle there, which he garrisoned with his Normans, +and unhappily I had the misfortune to be one of the number. + +"Here we were confined closer than I had been at Dover; for, as the +citizens were extremely disaffected, we were never suffered to go +without the walls of the castle; nor indeed could we, unless in large +bodies, without the utmost danger. We were likewise kept to continual +duty, nor could any solicitations prevail with the commanding officer +to give me a month's absence to visit my love, from whom I had no +opportunity of hearing in all my long absence. + +"However, in the spring, the people being more quiet, and another +officer of a gentler temper succeeding to the principal command, I +obtained leave to go to Dover; but alas! what comfort did my long +journey bring me? I found the parents of my darling in the utmost misery +at her loss; for she had died, about a week before my arrival, of a +consumption, which they imputed to her pining at my sudden departure. + +"I now fell into the most violent and almost raving fit of despair. I +cursed myself, the king, and the whole world, which no longer seemed +to have any delight for me. I threw myself on the grave of my deceased +love, and lay there without any kind of sustenance for two whole days. +At last hunger, together with the persuasions of some people who took +pity on me, prevailed with me to quit that situation, and refresh myself +with food. They then persuaded me to return to my post, and abandon a +place where almost every object I saw recalled ideas to my mind which, +as they said, I should endeavor with my utmost force to expel from it. +This advice at length succeeded; the rather, as the father and mother of +my beloved refused to see me, looking on me as the innocent but certain +cause of the death of their only child. + +"The loss of one we tenderly love, as it is one of the most bitter and +biting evils which attend human life, so it wants the lenitive which +palliates and softens every other calamity; I mean that great reliever, +hope. No man can be so totally undone, but that he may still cherish +expectation: but this deprives us of all such comfort, nor can anything +but time alone lessen it. This, however, in most minds, is sure to +work a slow but effectual remedy; so did it in mine: for within a +twelve-month I was entirely reconciled to my fortune, and soon after +absolutely forgot the object of a passion from which I had promised +myself such extreme happiness, and in the disappointment of which I had +experienced such inconceivable misery. + +"At the expiration of the month I returned to my garrison at Exeter; +where I was no sooner arrived than I was ordered to march into the +north, to oppose a force there levied by the earls of Chester and +Northumberland. We came to York, where his majesty pardoned the heads of +the rebels, and very severely punished some who were less guilty. It was +particularly my lot to be ordered to seize a poor man who had never been +out of his house, and convey him to prison. I detested this barbarity, +yet was obliged to execute it; nay, though no reward would have bribed +me in a private capacity to have acted such a part, yet so much sanctity +is there in the commands of a monarch or general to a soldier, that +I performed it without reluctance, nor had the tears of his wife and +family any prevalence with me. + +"But this, which was a very small piece of mischief in comparison with +many of my barbarities afterwards, was however, the only one which +ever gave me any uneasiness; for when the king led us afterwards into +Northumberland to revenge those people's having joined with Osborne the +Dane in his invasion, and orders were given us to commit what ravages +we could, I was forward in fulfilling them, and, among some lesser +cruelties (I remember it yet with sorrow), I ravished a woman, murdered +a little infant playing in her lap, and then burned her house. In short, +for I have no pleasure in this part of my relation, I had my share +in all the cruelties exercised on those poor wretches; which were so +grievous, that for sixty miles together, between York and Durham, not a +single house, church, or any other public or private edifice, was left +standing. + +"We had pretty well devoured the country, when we were ordered to march +to the Isle of Ely, to oppose Hereward, a bold and stout soldier, who +had under him a very large body of rebels, who had the impudence to rise +against their king and conqueror (I talk now in the same style I did +then) in defense of their liberties, as they called them. These were +soon subdued; but as I happened (more to my glory than my comfort) to +be posted in that part through which Hereward cut his way, I received +a dreadful cut on the forehead, a second on the shoulder, and was run +through the body with a pike. + +"I languished a long time with these wounds, which made me incapable of +attending the king into Scotland. However, I was able to go over with +him afterwards into Normandy, in his expedition against Philip, who +had taken the opportunity of the troubles in England to invade that +province. Those few Normans who bad survived their wounds, and had +remained in the Isle of Ely, were all of our nation who went, the rest +of his army being all composed of English. In a skirmish near the town +of Mans my leg was broke and so shattered that it was forced to be cut +off. + +"I was now disabled from serving longer in the army; and accordingly, +being discharged from the service, I retired to the place of my +nativity, where, in extreme poverty, and frequent bad health from the +many wounds I had received, I dragged on a miserable life to the age of +sixty-three; my only pleasure being to recount the feats of my youth, in +which narratives I generally exceeded the truth. + +"It would be tedious and unpleasant to recount to you the several +miseries I suffered after my return to Caen; let it suffice, they +were so terrible that they induced Minos to compassionate me, and, +notwithstanding the barbarities I had been guilty of in Northumberland, +to suffer me to go once more back to earth." + + + + +CHAPTER XXII + + What happened to Julian in the person of a tailor. + +"Fortune now stationed me in a character which the ingratitude of +mankind hath put them on ridiculing, though they owe to it not only a +relief from the inclemencies of cold, to which they would otherwise be +exposed, but likewise a considerable satisfaction of their vanity. The +character I mean was that of a tailor; which, if we consider it with due +attention, must be confessed to have in it great dignity and importance. +For, in reality, who constitutes the different degrees between men but +the tailor? the prince indeed gives the title, but it is the tailor who +makes the man. To his labors are owing the respect of crowds, and the +awe which great men inspire into their beholders, though these are too +often unjustly attributed to other motives. Lastly, the admiration of +the fair is most commonly to be placed to his account. + +"I was just set up in my trade when I made three suits of fine clothes +for king Stephen's coronation. I question whether the person who wears +the rich coat hath so much pleasure and vanity in being admired in it, +as we tailors have from that admiration; and perhaps a philosopher +would say he is not so well entitled to it. I bustled on the day of the +ceremony through the crowd, and it was with incredible delight I heard +several say, as my clothes walked by, 'Bless me, was ever anything so +fine as the earl of Devonshire? Sure he and Sir Hugh Bigot are the two +best dressed men I ever saw.' Now both those suits were of my making. + +"There would indeed be infinite pleasure in working for the courtiers, +as they are generally genteel men, and show one's clothes to the best +advantage, was it not for one small discouragement; this is, that they +never pay. I solemnly protest, though I lost almost as much by the court +in my life as I got by the city, I never carried a suit into the latter +with half the satisfaction which I have done to the former; though from +that I was certain of ready money, and from this almost as certain of no +money at all. + +"Courtiers may, however, be divided into two sorts, very essentially +different from each other; into those who never intend to pay for their +clothes; and those who do intend to pay for them, but never happen to be +able. Of the latter sort are many of those young gentlemen whom we equip +out for the army, and who are, unhappily for us, cut off before they +arrive at preferment. This is the reason that tailors, in time of war, +are mistaken for politicians by their inquisitiveness into the event of +battles, one campaign very often proving the ruin of half-a-dozen of us. +I am sure I had frequent reason to curse that fatal battle of Cardigan, +where the Welsh defeated some of king Stephen's best troops, and where +many a good suit of mine unpaid for, fell to the ground. + +"The gentlemen of this honorable calling have fared much better in later +ages than when I was of it; for now it seems the fashion is, when they +apprehend their customer is not in the best circumstances, if they are +not paid as soon as they carry home the suit, they charge him in their +book as much again as it is worth, and then send a gentleman with a +small scrip of parchment to demand the money. If this be not immediately +paid the gentleman takes the beau with him to his house, where he locks +him up till the tailor is contented: but in my time these scrips of +parchment were not in use; and if the beau disliked paying for his +clothes, as very often happened, we had no method of compelling him. + +"In several of the characters which I have related to you, I apprehend I +have sometimes forgot myself, and considered myself as really interested +as I was when I personated them on earth. I have just now caught myself +in the fact; for I have complained to you as bitterly of my customers +as I formerly used to do when I was the tailor: but in reality, though +there were some few persons of very great quality, and some others, who +never paid their debts, yet those were but a few, and I had a method of +repairing this loss. My customers I divided under three heads: those who +paid ready money, those who paid slow, and those who never paid at all. +The first of these I considered apart by themselves, as persons by whom +I got a certain but small profit. The two last I lumped together, making +those who paid slow contribute to repair my losses by those who did not +pay at all. Thus, upon the whole, I was a very inconsiderable loser, and +might have left a fortune to my family, had I not launched forth into +expenses which swallowed up all my gains. I had a wife and two children. +These indeed I kept frugally enough, for I half starved them; but I kept +a mistress in a finer way, for whom I had a country-house, pleasantly +situated on the Thames, elegantly fitted up and neatly furnished. +This woman might very properly be called my mistress, for she was most +absolutely so; and though her tenure was no higher than by my will, +she domineered as tyrannically as if my chains had been riveted in the +strongest manner. To all this I submitted, not through any adoration of +her beauty, which was indeed but indifferent. Her charms consisted in +little wantonnesses, which she knew admirably well to use in hours of +dalliance, and which, I believe, are of all things the most delightful +to a lover. + +"She was so profusely extravagant, that it seemed as if she had an +actual intent to ruin me. This I am sure of, if such had been her real +intention, she could have taken no properer way to accomplish it; nay, +I myself might appear to have had the same view: for, besides this +extravagant mistress and my country-house, I kept likewise a brace of +hunters, rather for that it was fashionable so to do than for any great +delight I took in the sport, which I very little attended; not for want +of leisure, for few noblemen had so much. All the work I ever did was +taking measure, and that only of my greatest and best customers. I scare +ever cut a piece of cloth in my life, nor was indeed much more able to +fashion a coat than any gentleman in the kingdom. This made a skillful +servant too necessary to me. He knew I must submit to any terms with, or +any treatment from, him. + +"He knew it was easier for him to find another such a tailor as me +than for me to procure such another workman as him: for this reason he +exerted the most notorious and cruel tyranny, seldom giving me a civil +word; nor could the utmost condescension on my side, though attended +with continual presents and rewards, and raising his wages, content or +please him. In a word, he was as absolutely my master as was ever an +ambitious, industrious prime minister over an indolent and voluptuous +king. All my other journeymen paid more respect to him than to me; for +they considered my favor as a necessary consequence of obtaining his. + +"These were the most remarkable occurrences while I acted this part. +Minos hesitated a few moments, and then bid me get back again, without +assigning any reason." + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + + The life of alderman Julian. + +"I now revisited England, and was born at London. My father was one of +the magistrates of that city. He had eleven children, of whom I was the +eldest. He had great success in trade, and grew extremely rich, but the +largeness of his family rendered it impossible for him to leave me +a fortune sufficient to live well on independent of business. I was +accordingly brought up to be a fishmonger, in which capacity I myself +afterwards acquired very considerable wealth. + +"The same disposition of mind which in princes is called ambition is in +subjects named faction. To this temper I was greatly addicted from my +youth. I was, while a boy, a great partisan of prince John's against his +brother Richard, during the latter's absence in the holy war and in his +captivity. I was no more than one-and-twenty when I first began to make +political speeches in public, and to endeavor to foment disquietude and +discontent in the city. As I was pretty well qualified for this office, +by a great fluency of words, an harmonious accent, a graceful delivery, +and above all an invincible assurance, I had soon acquired some +reputation among the younger citizens, and some of the weaker and more +inconsiderate of a riper age. This, co-operating with my own natural +vanity, made me extravagantly proud and supercilious. I soon began to +esteem myself a man of some consequence, and to overlook persons every +way my superiors. + +"The famous Robin Hood, and his companion Little John, at this time made +a considerable figure in Yorkshire. I took upon me to write a letter +to the former, in the name of the city, inviting him to come to London, +where I assured him of very good reception, signifying to him my own +great weight and consequence, and how much I had disposed the citizens +in his favor. Whether he received this letter or no I am not certain; +but he never gave me any answer to it. + +"A little afterwards one William Fitz-Osborn, or, as he was nicknamed, +William Long-Beard, began to make a figure in the city. He was a bold +and an impudent fellow, and had raised himself to great popularity with +the rabble, by pretending to espouse their cause against the rich. I +took this man's part, and made a public oration in his favor, setting +him forth as a patriot, and one who had embarked in the cause +of liberty: for which service he did not receive me with the +acknowledgments I expected. However, as I thought I should easily gain +the ascendant over this fellow, I continued still firm on his side, till +the archbishop of Canterbury, with an armed force, put an end to his +progress: for he was seized in Bowchurch, where he had taken refuge, and +with nine of his accomplices hanged in chains. + +"I escaped narrowly myself; for I was seized in the same church with the +rest, and, as I had been very considerably engaged in the enterprise, +the archbishop was inclined to make me an example; but my father's +merit, who had advanced a considerable sum to queen Eleanor towards the +king's ransom, preserved me. + +"The consternation my danger had occasioned kept me some time quiet, and +I applied myself very assiduously to my trade. I invented all manner +of methods to enhance the price of fish, and made use of my utmost +endeavors to engross as much of the business as possible in my own +hands. By these means I acquired a substance which raised me to some +little consequence in the city, but far from elevating me to that degree +which I had formerly flattered myself with possessing at a time when +I was totally insignificant; for, in a trading society, money must at +least lay the foundation of all power and interest. + +"But as it hath been remarked that the same ambition which sent +Alexander into Asia brings the wrestler on the green; and as this same +ambition is as incapable as quicksilver of lying still; so I, who was +possessed perhaps of a share equal to what hath fired the blood of any +of the heroes of antiquity, was no less restless and discontented +with ease and quiet. My first endeavors were to make myself head of +my company, which Richard I had just published, and soon afterwards I +procured myself to be chosen alderman. + +"Opposition is the only state which can give a subject an opportunity of +exerting the disposition I was possessed of. Accordingly, king John +was no sooner seated on his throne than I began to oppose his measures, +whether right or wrong. It is true that monarch had faults enow. He was +so abandoned to lust and luxury, that he addicted himself to the most +extravagant excesses in both, while he indolently suffered the king of +France to rob him of almost all his foreign dominions: my opposition +therefore was justifiable enough, and if my motive from within had been +as good as the occasion from without I should have had little to excuse; +but, in truth, I sought nothing but my own preferment, by making myself +formidable to the king, and then selling to him the interest of that +party by whose means I had become so. Indeed, had the public good been +my care, however zealously I might have opposed the beginning of his +reign, I should not have scrupled to lend him my utmost assistance in +this struggle between him and pope Innocent the third, in which he was +so manifestly in the right; nor have suffered the insolence of that +pope, and the power of the king of France, to have compelled him in +the issue, basely to resign his crown into the hands of the former, and +receive it again as a vassal; by means of which acknowledgment the pope +afterwards claimed this kingdom as a tributary fief to be held of +the papal chair; a claim which occasioned great uneasiness to many +subsequent princes, and brought numberless calamities on the nation. + +"As the king had, among other concessions, stipulated to pay an +immediate sum of money to Pandulph, which he had great difficulty to +raise, it was absolutely necessary for him to apply to the city, where +my interest and popularity were so high that he had no hopes without my +assistance. As I knew this, I took care to sell myself and country +as high as possible. The terms I demanded, therefore, were a place, a +pension, and a knighthood. All those were immediately consented to. I +was forthwith knighted, and promised the other two. + +"I now mounted the hustings, and, without any regard to decency or +modesty, made as emphatical a speech in favor of the king as before +I had done against him. In this speech I justified all those measures +which I had before condemned, and pleaded as earnestly with my +fellow-citizens to open their purses, as I had formerly done to prevail +with them to keep them shut. But, alas! my rhetoric had not the effect +I proposed. The consequence of my arguments was only contempt to +myself. The people at first stared on one another, and afterwards began +unanimously to express their dislike. An impudent fellow among +them, reflecting on my trade, cried out, 'Stinking fish;' which was +immediately reiterated through the whole crowd. I was then forced to +slink away home; but I was not able to accomplish my retreat without +being attended by the mob, who huzza'd me along the street with the +repeated cries of 'Stinking fish.' + +"I now proceeded to court, to inform his majesty of my faithful service, +and how much I had suffered in his cause. I found by my first reception +he had already heard of my success. Instead of thanking me for my +speech, he said the city should repent of their obstinacy, for that he +would show them who he was: and so saying, he immediately turned that +part to me to which the toe of man hath so wonderful an affection, that +it is very difficult, whenever it presents itself conveniently, to keep +our toes from the most violent and ardent salutation of it. + +"I was a little nettled at this behavior, and with some earnestness +claimed the king's fulfilling his promise; but he retired without +answering me. I then applied to some of the courtiers, who had lately +professed great friendship to me, had eat at my house, and invited me to +theirs: but not one would return me any answer, all running away from me +as if I had been seized with some contagious distemper. I now found by +experience, that as none can be so civil, so none can be ruder than a +courtier. + +"A few moments after the king's retiring I was left alone in the room to +consider what I should do or whither I should turn myself. My reception +in the city promised itself to be equal at least with what I found at +court. However, there was my home, and thither it was necessary I should +retreat for the present. + +"But, indeed, bad as I apprehended my treatment in the city would be, +it exceeded my expectation. I rode home on an ambling pad through crowds +who expressed every kind of disregard and contempt; pelting me not +only with the most abusive language, but with dirt. However, with much +difficulty I arrived at last at my own house, with my bones whole, but +covered over with filth. + +"When I was got within my doors, and had shut them against the mob, who +had pretty well vented their spleen, and seemed now contented to retire, +my wife, whom I found crying over her children, and from whom I +had hoped some comfort in my afflictions, fell upon me in the most +outrageous manner. She asked me why I would venture on such a step, +without consulting her; she said her advice might have been civilly +asked, if I was resolved not to have been guided by it. That, whatever +opinion I might have conceived of her understanding, the rest of the +world thought better of it. That I had never failed when I had asked +her counsel, nor ever succeeded without it;--with much more of the +same kind, too tedious to mention; concluding that it was a monstrous +behavior to desert my party and come over to the court. + +"An abuse which I took worse than all the rest, as she had been +constantly for several years assiduous in railing at the opposition, +in siding with the court-party, and begging me to come over to it; and +especially after my mentioning the offer of knighthood to her, since +which time she had continually interrupted my repose with dinning in +my ears the folly of refusing honors and of adhering to a party and to +principles by which I was certain of procuring no advantage to myself +and my family. + +"I had now entirely lost my trade, so that I had not the least +temptation to stay longer in a city where I was certain of receiving +daily affronts and rebukes. I therefore made up my affairs with the +utmost expedition, and, scraping together all I could, retired into the +country, where I spent the remainder of my days in universal contempt, +being shunned by everybody, perpetually abused by my wife, and not much +respected by my children. + +"Minos told me, though I had been a very vile fellow, he thought my +sufferings made some atonement, and so bid me take the other trial." + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV + + Julian recounts what happened to him while he was a poet. + +"Rome was now the seat of my nativity, where I was born of a family more +remarkable for honor than riches. I was intended for the church, and +had a pretty good education; but my father dying while I was young, and +leaving me nothing, for he had wasted his whole patrimony, I was forced +to enter myself in the order of mendicants. + +"When I was at school I had a knack of rhyming, which I unhappily +mistook for genius, and indulged to my cost; for my verses drew on me +only ridicule, and I was in contempt called the poet. + +"This humor pursued me through my life. My first composition after I +left school was a panegyric on pope Alexander IV, who then pretended a +project of dethroning the king of Sicily. On this subject I composed a +poem of about fifteen thousand lines, which with much difficulty I got +to be presented to his holiness, of whom I expected great preferment as +my reward; but I was cruelly disappointed: for when I had waited a year, +without hearing any of the commendations I had flattered myself with +receiving, and being now able to contain no longer, I applied to a +Jesuit who was my relation, and had the pope's ear, to know what his +holiness's opinion was of my work: he coldly answered me that he was +at that time busied in concerns of too much importance to attend the +reading of poems. + +"However dissatisfied I might be, and really was, with this reception, +and however angry I was with the pope? for whose understanding I +entertained an immoderate contempt, I was not yet discouraged from +a second attempt. Accordingly, I soon after produced another work, +entitled, The Trojan Horse. This was an allegorical work, in which the +church was introduced into the world in the same manner as that machine +had been into Troy. The priests were the soldiers in its belly, and the +heathen superstition the city to be destroyed by them. This poem was +written in Latin. I remember some of the lines:-- + + Mundanos scandit fatalis machina muros, + Farta sacerdotum turmis: exinde per alvum + Visi exire omnes, maguo cum murmure olentes. + Non aliter quam cum llumanis furibundus ab antris + It sonus et nares simul aura invadit hiantes. + Mille scatent et mille alii; trepidare timore + Ethnica gens coepit: falsi per inane volantes + Effugere Dei--Desertaque templa relinquunt. + Jam magnum crepitavit equus, mox orbis et alti + Ingemuere poli: tunc tu pater, ultimus omnium + Maxime Alexander, ventrem maturus equinum + Deseris, heu proles meliori digne parente." + +"I believe Julian, had I not stopped him, would have gone through the +whole poem (for, as I observed in most of the characters he related, the +affections he had enjoyed while he personated them on earth still made +some impression on him); but I begged him to omit the sequel of the +poem, and proceed with his history. He then recollected himself, and, +smiling at the observation which by intuition he perceived I had made, +continued his narration as follows:-- + +"I confess to you," says he, "that the delight in repeating our own +works is so predominant in a poet, that I find nothing can totally root +it out of the soul. Happy would it be for those persons if their hearers +could be delighted in the same manner: but alas! hence that ingens +solitudo complained of by Horace: for the vanity of mankind is so much +greedier and more general than their avarice, that no beggar is so ill +received by them as he who solicits their praise. + +"This I sufficiently experienced in the character of a poet; for my +company was shunned (I believe on this account chiefly) by my whole +house: nay, there were few who would submit to hearing me read my +poetry, even at the price of sharing in my provisions. The only +person who gave me audience was a brother poet; he indeed fed me with +commendation very liberally: but, as I was forced to hear and commend in +my turn, I perhaps bought his attention dear enough. + +"Well, sir, if my expectations of the reward I hoped from my first poem +had balked me, I had now still greater reason to complain; for, instead +of being preferred or commended for the second, I was enjoined a very +severe penance by my superior, for ludicrously comparing the pope to a +f--t. My poetry was now the jest of every company, except some few who +spoke of it with detestation; and I found that, instead of recommending +me to preferment, it had effectually barred me from all probability of +attaining it. + +"These discouragements had now induced me to lay down my pen and write +no more. But, as Juvenal says, + + --Si discedas, Laqueo tenet ambitiosi + Consuetudo mali. + +"I was an example of the truth of this assertion, for I soon betook +myself again to my muse. Indeed, a poet hath the same happiness with a +man who is dotingly fond of an ugly woman. The one enjoys his muse, and +the other his mistress, with a pleasure very little abated by the esteem +of the world, and only undervalues their taste for not corresponding +with his own. + +"It is unnecessary to mention any more of my poems; they had all the +same fate; and though in reality some of my latter pieces deserved (I +may now speak it without the imputation of vanity) a better success, +as I had the character of a bad writer, I found it impossible ever to +obtain the reputation of a good one. Had I possessed the merit of Homer +I could have hoped for no applause; since it must have been a profound +secret; for no one would now read a syllable of my writings. + +"The poets of my age were, as I believe you know, not very famous. +However, there was one of some credit at that time, though I have the +consolation to know his works are all perished long ago. The malice, +envy, and hatred I bore this man are inconceivable to any but an author, +and an unsuccessful one; I never could bear to hear him well spoken +of, and writ anonymous satires against him, though I had received +obligations from him; indeed I believe it would have been an absolute +impossibility for him at any rate to have made me sincerely his friend. + +"I have heard an observation which was made by some one of later days, +that there are no worse men than bad authors. A remark of the same kind +hath been made on ugly women, and the truth of both stands on one and +the same reason, viz., that they are both tainted with that cursed and +detestable vice of envy; which, as it is the greatest torment to the +mind it inhabits, so is it capable of introducing into it a total +corruption, and of inspiring it to the commission of the most horrid +crimes imaginable. + +"My life was but short; for I soon pined myself to death with the vice I +just now mentioned. Minos told me I was infinitely too bad for Elysium; +and as for the other place, the devil had sworn he would never entertain +a poet for Orpheus's sake: so I was forced to return again to the place +from whence I came." + + + + +CHAPTER XXV + + Julian performs the parts of a knight and a dancing-master. + +"I now mounted the stage in Sicily, and became a knight-templar; but, +as my adventures differ so little from those I have recounted you in the +character of a common soldier, I shall not tire you with repetition. The +soldier and the captain differ in reality so little from one another, +that it requires an accurate judgment to distinguish them; the latter +wears finer clothes, and in times of success lives somewhat more +delicately; but as to everything else, they very nearly resemble one +another. + +"My next step was into France, where fortune assigned me the part of a +dancing-master. I was so expert in my profession that I was brought to +court in my youth, and had the heels of Philip de Valois, who afterwards +succeeded Charles the Fair, committed to my direction. + +"I do not remember that in any of the characters in which I appeared on +earth I ever assumed to myself a greater dignity, or thought myself +of more real importance, than now. I looked on dancing as the greatest +excellence of human nature, and on myself as the greatest proficient +in it. And, indeed, this seemed to be the general opinion of the whole +court; for I was the chief instructor of the youth of both sexes, whose +merit was almost entirely defined by the advances they made in that +science which I had the honor to profess. As to myself, I was so fully +persuaded of this truth, that I not only slighted and despised those who +were ignorant of dancing, but I thought the highest character I +could give any man was that he made a graceful bow: for want of which +accomplishment I had a sovereign contempt for most persons of learning; +nay, for some officers in the army, and a few even of the courtiers +themselves. + +"Though so little of my youth had been thrown away in what they call +literature that I could hardly write and read, yet I composed a treatise +on education; the first rudiments of which, as I taught, were to +instruct a child in the science of coming handsomely into a room. In +this I corrected many faults of my predecessors, particularly that of +being too much in a hurry, and instituting a child in the sublimer parts +of dancing before they are capable of making their honors. + +"But as I have not now the same high opinion of my profession which I +had then, I shall not entertain you with a long history of a life which +consisted of borees and coupees. Let it suffice that I lived to a very +old age and followed my business as long as I could crawl. At length I +revisited my old friend Minos, who treated me with very little respect +and bade me dance back again to earth. + + "I did so, and was now once more born an Englishman, bred up to +the church, and at length arrived to the station of a bishop. + +"Nothing was so remarkable in this character as my always voting-- +[10]." + + + + +BOOK XIX + + + +CHAPTER VII + + Wherein Anna Boleyn relates the history of her life. + +"I am going now truly to recount a life which from the time of its +ceasing has been, in the other world, the continual subject of the +cavils of contending parties; the one making me as black as hell, the +other as pure and innocent as the inhabitants of this blessed place; the +mist of prejudice blinding their eyes, and zeal for what they themselves +profess, making everything appear in that light which they think most +conduces to its honor. + +"My infancy was spent in my father's house, in those childish plays +which are most suitable to that state, and I think this was one of the +happiest parts of my life; for my parents were not among the number +of those who look upon their children as so many objects of a tyrannic +power, but I was regarded as the dear pledge of a virtuous love, and all +my little pleasures were thought from their indulgence their greatest +delight. At seven years old I was carried into France with the king's +sister, who was married to the French king, where I lived with a person +of quality, who was an acquaintance of my father's. I spent my time +in learning those things necessary to give young persons of fashion a +polite education, and did neither good nor evil, but day passed after +day in the same easy way till I was fourteen; then began my anxiety, my +vanity grew strong, and my heart fluttered with joy at every compliment +paid to my beauty: and as the lady with whom I lived was of a gay, +cheerful disposition, she kept a great deal of company, and my youth and +charms made me the continual object of their admiration. I passed some +little time in those exulting raptures which are felt by every woman +perfectly satisfied with herself and with the behavior of others +towards her: I was, when very young, promoted to be maid of honor to her +majesty. The court was frequented by a young nobleman whose beauty +was the chief subject of conversation in all assemblies of ladies. The +delicacy of his person, added to a great softness in his manner, gave +everything he said and did such an air of tenderness, that every woman +he spoke to flattered herself with being the object of his love. I was +one of those who was vain enough of my own charms to hope to make a +conquest of him whom the whole court sighed for. I now thought every +other object below my notice; yet the only pleasure I proposed to myself +in this design was, the triumphing over that heart which I plainly saw +all the ladies of the highest quality and the greatest beauty would have +been proud of possessing. I was yet too young to be very artful; but +nature, without any assistance, soon discovers to a man who is used +to gallantry a woman's desire to be liked by him, whether that desire +arises from any particular choice she makes of him, or only from +vanity. He soon perceived my thoughts, and gratified my utmost wishes by +constantly preferring me before all other women, and exerting his utmost +gallantry and address to engage my affections. This sudden happiness, +which I then thought the greatest I could have had, appeared visible in +all my actions; I grew so gay and so full of vivacity that it made +my person appear still to a better advantage, all my acquaintance +pretending to be fonder of me than ever: though, young as I was, I +plainly saw it was but pretense, for through all their endeavors to the +contrary envy would often break forth in sly insinuations and +malicious sneers, which gave me fresh matter of triumph, and frequent +opportunities of insulting them, which I never let slip, for now first +my female heart grew sensible of the spiteful pleasure of seeing another +languish for what I enjoyed. Whilst I was in the height of my happiness +her majesty fell ill of a languishing distemper, which obliged her to go +into the country for the change of air: my place made it necessary for +me to attend her, and which way he brought it about I can't imagine, but +my young hero found means to be one of that small train that waited on +my royal mistress, although she went as privately as possible. Hitherto +all the interviews I had ever had with him were in public, and I only +looked on him as the fitter object to feed that pride which had no other +view but to show its power; but now the scene was quite changed. My +rivals, were all at a distance: the place we went to was as charming +as the most agreeable natural situation, assisted by the greatest art, +could make it; the pleasant solitary walks the singing of birds, the +thousand pretty romantic scenes this delightful place afforded, gave a +sudden turn to my mind; my whole soul was melted into softness, and all +my vanity was fled. My spark was too much used to affairs of this nature +not to perceive this change; at first the profuse transports of his joy +made me believe him wholly mine, and this belief gave me such happiness +that no language affords words to express it, and can be only known to +those who have felt it. But this was of a very short duration, for +I soon found I had to do with one of those men whose only end in the +pursuit of a woman is to make her fall a victim to an insatiable desire +to be admired. His designs had succeeded, and now he every day grew +colder, and, as if by infatuation, my passion every day increased; and, +notwithstanding all my resolutions and endeavors to the contrary, my +rage at the disappointment at once both of my love and pride, and at the +finding a passion fixed in my breast I knew not how to conquer, broke +out into that inconsistent behavior which must always be the consequence +of violent passions. One moment I reproached him, the next I grew to +tenderness and blamed myself, and thought I fancied what was not true: +he saw my struggle and triumphed in it; but, as he had not witnesses +enough there of his victory to give him the full enjoyment of it, +he grew weary of the country and returned to Paris, and left me in a +condition it is utterly impossible to describe. My mind was like a city +up in arms, all confusion; and every new thought was a fresh disturber +of my peace. Sleep quite forsook me, and the anxiety I suffered threw me +into a fever which had like to have cost me my life. With great care I +recovered, but the violence of the distemper left such a weakness on +my body that the disturbance of my mind was greatly assuaged; and now I +began to comfort myself in the reflection that this gentleman's being +a finished coquette was very likely the only thing could have preserved +me; for he was the only man from whom I was ever in any danger. By that +time I was got tolerably well we returned to Paris; and I confess I both +wished and feared to see this cause of all my pain: however, I hoped, +by the help of my resentment, to be able to meet him with indifference. +This employed my thoughts till our arrival. The next day there was a +very full court to congratulate the queen on her recovery; and amongst +the rest my love appeared dressed and adorned as if he designed some +new conquest. Instead of seeing a woman he despised and slighted, +he approached me with that assured air which is common to successful +coxcombs. At the same time I perceived I was surrounded by all those +ladies who were on his account my greatest enemies, and, in revenge, +wished for nothing more than to see me make a ridiculous figure. This +situation so perplexed my thoughts, that when he came near enough to +speak to me, I fainted away in his arms. Had I studied which way I +could gratify him most, it was impossible to have done anything to have +pleased him more. Some that stood by brought smelling-bottles, and used +means for my recovery; and I was welcomed to returning life by all those +repartees which women enraged by envy are capable of venting. One cried +'Well, I never thought my lord had anything so frightful in his person +or so fierce in his manner as to strike a young lady dead at the sight +of him.' 'No, no,' says another, 'some ladies' senses are more apt to +be hurried by agreeable than disagreeable objects.' With many more such +sort of speeches which showed more malice than wit. This not being able +to bear, trembling, and with but just strength enough to move, I crawled +to my coach and hurried home. When I was alone, and thought on what had +happened to me in a public court, I was at first driven to the utmost +despair; but afterwards, when I came to reflect, I believe this accident +contributed more to my being cured of my passion than any other could +have done. I began to think the only method to pique the man who had +used me so barbarously, and to be revenged on my spiteful rivals, was to +recover that beauty which was then languid and had lost its luster, to +let them see I had still charms enough to engage as many lovers as +I could desire, and that I could yet rival them who had thus cruelly +insulted me. These pleasing hopes revived my sinking spirits, and worked +a more effectual cure on me than all the philosophy and advice of the +wisest men could have done. I now employed all my time and care in +adorning my person, and studying the surest means of engaging the +affections of others, while I myself continued quite indifferent; for +I resolved for the future, if ever one soft thought made its way to my +heart, to fly the object of it, and by new lovers to drive the image +from my breast. I consulted my glass every morning, and got such a +command of my countenance that I could suit it to the different tastes +of variety of lovers; and though I was young, for I was not yet +above seventeen, yet my public way of life gave me such continual +opportunities of conversing with men, and the strong desire I now had +of pleasing them led me to make such constant observations on everything +they said or did, that I soon found out the different methods of dealing +with them. I observed that most men generally liked in women what was +most opposite to their own characters; therefore to the grave solid man +of sense I endeavored to appear sprightly and full of spirit; to the +witty and gay, soft and languishing; to the amorous (for they want +no increase of their passions), cold and reserved; to the fearful and +backward, warm and full of fire; and so of all the rest. As to beaux, +and all of those sort of men, whose desires are centered in the +satisfaction of their vanity, I had learned by sad experience the +only way to deal with them was to laugh at them and let their own good +opinion of themselves be the only support of their hopes. I knew, while +I could get other followers, I was sure of them; for the only sign of +modesty they ever give is that of not depending on their own judgments, +but following the opinions of the greatest number. Thus furnished with +maxims, and grown wise by past errors, I in a manner began the world +again: I appeared in all public places handsomer and more lively than +ever, to the amazement of every one who saw me and had heard of the +affair between me and my lord. He himself was much surprised and vexed +at this sudden change, nor could he account how it was possible for +me so soon to shake off those chains he thought he had fixed on me +for life; nor was he willing to lose his conquest in this manner. He +endeavored by all means possible to talk to me again of love, but I +stood fixed to my resolution (in which I was greatly assisted by the +crowd of admirers that daily surrounded me) never to let him explain +himself: for, notwithstanding all my pride, I found the first impression +the heart receives of love is so strong that it requires the most +vigilant care to prevent a relapse. Now I lived three years in a +constant round of diversions, and was made the perfect idol of all the +men that came to court of all ages and all characters. I had several +good matches offered me, but I thought none of them equal to my +merit; and one of my greatest pleasures was to see those women who had +pretended to rival me often glad to marry those whom I had refused. Yet, +notwithstanding this great success of my schemes, I cannot say I was +perfectly happy; for every woman that was taken the least notice of, and +every man that was insensible to my arts, gave me as much pain as all +the rest gave me pleasure; and sometimes little underhand plots which +were laid against my designs would succeed in spite of my care: so that +I really began to grow weary of this manner of life, when my father, +returning from his embassy in France, took me home with him, and carried +me to a little pleasant country-house, where there was nothing grand +or superfluous, but everything neat and agreeable. There I led a life +perfectly solitary. At first the time hung very heavy on my hands, and +I wanted all kind of employment, and I had very like to have fallen into +the height of the vapors, from no other reason but from want of knowing +what to do with myself. But when I had lived here a little time I found +such a calmness in my mind, and such a difference between this and the +restless anxieties I had experienced in a court, that I began to share +the tranquillity that visibly appeared in everything round me. I set +myself to do works of fancy, and to raise little flower-gardens, with +many such innocent rural amusements; which, although they are not +capable of affording any great pleasure, yet they give that serene turn +to the mind which I think much preferable to anything else human nature +is made susceptible of. I now resolved to spend the rest of my days +here, and that nothing should allure me from that sweet retirement, to +be again tossed about with tempestuous passions of any kind. Whilst +I was in this situation, my lord Percy, the earl of Northumberland's +eldest son, by an accident of losing his way after a fox-chase, was met +by my father, about a mile from our house; he came home with him, only +with a design of dining with us, but was so taken with me that he stayed +three days. I had too much experience in all affairs of this kind not +to see presently the influence I had on him; but I was at that time +so entirely free from all ambition, that even the prospect of being a +countess had no effect on me; and I then thought nothing in the world +could have bribed me to have changed my way of life. This young lord, +who was just in his bloom, found his passion so strong, he could not +endure a long absence, but returned again in a week, and endeavored, by +all the means he could think of, to engage me to return his affection. +He addressed me with that tenderness and respect which women on earth +think can flow from nothing but real love; and very often told me that, +unless he could be so happy as by his assiduity and care to make himself +agreeable to me, although he knew my father would eagerly embrace any +proposal from him, yet he would suffer that last of miseries of never +seeing me more rather than owe his own happiness to anything that might +be the least contradiction to my inclinations. This manner of proceeding +had something in it so noble and generous, that by degrees it raised a +sensation in me which I know not how to describe, nor by what name +to call it: it was nothing like my former passion: for there was no +turbulence, no uneasy waking nights attending it, but all I could with +honor grant to oblige him appeared to me to be justly due to his truth +and love, and more the effect of gratitude than of any desire of my own. +The character I had heard of him from my father at my first returning +to England, in discoursing of the young nobility, convinced me that if +I was his wife I should have the perpetual satisfaction of knowing every +action of his must be approved by all the sensible part of mankind; so +that very soon I began to have no scruple left but that of leaving my +little scene of quietness, and venturing again into the world. But +this, by his continual application and submissive behavior, by degrees +entirely vanished, and I agreed he should take his own time to break +it to my father, whose consent he was not long in obtaining; for such +a match was by no means to be refused. There remained nothing now to be +done but to prevail with the earl of Northumberland to comply with what +his son so ardently desired; for which purpose he set out immediately +for London, and begged it as the greatest favor that I would accompany +my father, who was also to go thither the week following. I could not +refuse his request, and as soon as we arrived in town he flew to me with +the greatest raptures to inform me his father was so good that, finding +his happiness depended on his answer, he had given him free leave to +act in this affair as would best please himself, and that he had now no +obstacle to prevent his wishes. It was then the beginning of the winter, +and the time for our marriage was fixed for the latter end of March: the +consent of all parties made his access to me very easy, and we conversed +together both with innocence and pleasure. As his fondness was so great +that he contrived all the methods possible to keep me continually in his +sight, he told me one morning he was commanded by his father to attend +him to court that evening, and begged I would be so good as to meet +him there. I was now so used to act as he would have me that I made no +difficulty of complying with his desire. Two days after this, I was very +much surprised at perceiving such a melancholy in his countenance, +and alteration in his behavior, as I could no way account for; but, +by importunity, at last I got from him that cardinal Wolsey, for what +reason he knew not, had peremptorily forbid him to think any more of +me: and, when he urged that his father was not displeased with it, the +cardinal, in his imperious manner, answered him, he should give his +father such convincing reasons why it would be attended with great +inconveniences, that he was sure he could bring him to be of his +opinion. On which he turned from him, and gave him no opportunity of +replying. I could not imagine what design the cardinal could have in +intermeddling in this match, and I was still more perplexed to find that +my father treated my lord Percy with much more coldness than usual; he +too saw it, and we both wondered what could possibly be the cause of all +this. But it was not long before the mystery was all made clear by my +father, who, sending for me one day into his chamber, let me into a +secret which was as little wished for as expected. He began with the +surprising effects of youth and beauty, and the madness of letting go +those advantages they might procure us till it was too late, when we +might wish in vain to bring them back again. I stood amazed at this +beginning; he saw my confusion, and bid me sit down and attend to what +he was going to tell me, which was of the greatest consequence; and he +hoped I would be wise enough to take his advice, and act as he should +think best for my future welfare. He then asked me if I should not be +much pleased to be a queen? I answered, with the greatest earnestness, +that, so far from it, I would not live in a court again to be the +greatest queen in the world; that I had a lover who was both desirous +and able to raise my station even beyond my wishes. I found this +discourse was very displeasing; my father frowned, and called me a +romantic fool, and said if I would hearken to him he could make me a +queen; for the cardinal had told him that the king, from the time he +saw me at court the other night, liked me, and intended to get a divorce +from his wife, and to put me in her place; and ordered him to find some +method to make me a maid of honor to her present majesty, that in the +meantime he might have an opportunity of seeing me. It is impossible to +express the astonishment these words threw me into; and, notwithstanding +that the moment before, when it appeared at so great a distance, I was +very sincere in my declaration how much it was against my will to be +raised so high, yet now the prospect came nearer, I confess my heart +fluttered, and my eyes were dazzled with a view of being seated on a +throne. + +"My imagination presented before me all the pomp, power and greatness +that attend a crown; and I was so perplexed I knew not what to answer, +but remained as silent as if I had lost the use of my speech. My father, +who guessed what it was that made me in this condition, proceeded to +bring all the arguments he thought most likely to bend me to his will; +at last I recovered from this dream of grandeur, and begged him, by all +the most endearing names I could think of, not to urge me dishonorably +to forsake the man who I was convinced would raise me to an empire if in +his power, and who had enough in his power to give me all I desired. But +he was deaf to all I could say, and insisted that by next week I should +prepare myself to go to court: he bid me consider of it, and not prefer +a ridiculous notion of honor to the real interest of my whole family; +but, above all things, not to disclose what he had trusted me with. On +which he left me to my own thoughts. When I was alone I reflected how +little real tenderness this behavior showed to me, whose happiness he +did not at all consult, but only looked on me as a ladder, on which +he could climb to the height of his own ambitious desires: and when +I thought on his fondness for me in my infancy I could impute it to +nothing but either the liking me as a plaything or the gratification of +his vanity in my beauty. But I was too much divided between a crown and +my engagement to lord Percy to spend much time in thinking of anything +else; and, although my father had positively forbid me, yet, when he +came next, I could not help acquainting him with all that had passed, +with the reserve only of the struggle in my own mind on the first +mention of being a queen. I expected he would have received the news +with the greatest agonies; but he showed no vast emotion: however, he +could not help turning pale, and, taking me by the hand, looked at me +with an air of tenderness, and said, 'If being a queen would make you +happy, and it is in your power to be so, I would not for the world +prevent it, let me suffer what I will.' This amazing greatness of mind +had on me quite the contrary effect from what it ought to have had; for, +instead of increasing my love for him it almost put an end to it, and I +began to think, if he could part with me, the matter was not much. And +I am convinced, when any man gives up the possession of a woman whose +consent he has once obtained, let his motive be ever so generous, he +will disoblige her. I could not help showing my dissatisfaction, and +told him I was very glad this affair sat so easily on him. He had +not power to answer, but was so suddenly struck with this unexpected +ill-natured turn I gave his behavior, that he stood amazed for some +time, and then bowed and left me. Now I was again left to my own +reflections; but to make anything intelligible out of them is quite +impossible: I wished to be a queen, and wished I might not be one: I +would have my lord Percy happy without me; and yet I would not have the +power of my charms be so weak that he could bear the thought of life +after being disappointed in my love. But the result of all these +confused thoughts was a resolution to obey my father. I am afraid there +was not much duty in the case, though at that time I was glad to take +hold of that small shadow to save me from looking on my own actions +in the true light. When my lover came again I looked on him with +that coldness that he could not bear, on purpose to rid myself of all +importunity: for since I had resolved to use him ill I regarded him as +the monument of my shame, and his every look appeared to me to upbraid +me. My father soon carried me to court; there I had no very hard part +to act; for, with the experience I had had of mankind, I could find no +great difficulty in managing a man who liked me, and for whom I not only +did not care but had an utter aversion to: but this aversion he believed +to be virtue; for how credulous is a man who has an inclination to +believe! And I took care sometimes to drop words of cottages and love, +and how happy the woman was who fixed her affections on a man in such a +station of life that she might show her love without being suspected of +hypocrisy or mercenary views. All this was swallowed very easily by the +amorous king, who pushed on the divorce with the utmost impetuosity, +although the affair lasted a good while, and I remained most part of +the time behind the curtain. Whenever the king mentioned it to me I used +such arguments against it as I thought the most likely to make him +the more eager for it; begging that, unless his conscience was really +touched, he would not on my account give any grief to his virtuous +queen; for in being her handmaid I thought myself highly honored; and +that I would not only forego a crown, but even give up the pleasure of +ever seeing him more, rather than wrong my royal mistress. This way of +talking, joined to his eager desire to possess my person, convinced the +king so strongly of my exalted merit, that he thought it a meritorious +act to displace the woman (whom he could not have so good an opinion of, +because he was tired of her), and to put me in her place. After about a +year's stay at court, as the king's love to me began to be talked of, it +was thought proper to remove me, that there might be no umbrage given +to the queen's party. I was forced to comply with this, though greatly +against my will; for I was very jealous that absence might change the +king's mind. I retired again with my father to his country-seat, but +it had no longer those charms for me which I once enjoyed there; for my +mind was now too much taken up with ambition to make room for any other +thoughts. During my stay here, my royal lover often sent gentlemen to +me with messages and letters, which I always answered in the manner I +thought would best bring about my designs, which were to come back again +to court. In all the letters that passed between us there was something +so kingly and commanding in his, and so deceitful and submissive in +mine, that I sometimes could not help reflecting on the difference +betwixt this correspondence and that with lord Percy; yet I was so +pressed forward by the desire of a crown, I could not think of turning +back. In all I wrote I continually praised his resolution of letting me +be at a distance from him, since at this time it conduced indeed to my +honor; but, what was of ten times more weight with me, I thought it was +necessary for his; and I would sooner suffer anything in the world than +be any means of hurt to him, either in his interest or reputation. +I always gave some hints of ill health, with some reflections how +necessary the peace of the mind was to that of the body. By these means +I brought him to recall me again by the most absolute command, which I, +for a little time, artfully delayed (for I knew the impatience of his +temper would not bear any contradictions), till he made my father in +a manner force me to what I most wished, with the utmost appearance of +reluctance on my side. When I had gained this point I began to think +which way I could separate the king from the queen, for hitherto they +lived in the same house. The lady Mary, the queen's daughter, being +then about sixteen, I sought for emissaries of her own age that I could +confide in, to instill into her mind disrespectful thoughts of her +father, and make a jest of the tenderness of his conscience about the +divorce. I knew she had naturally strong passions, and that young people +of that age are apt to think those that pretend to be their friends are +really so, and only speak their minds freely. I afterwards contrived to +have every word she spoke of him carried to the king, who took it all +as I could wish, and fancied those things did not come at first from the +young lady, but from her mother. He would often talk of it to me, and +I agreed with him in his sentiments; but then, as a great proof of my +goodness, I always endeavored to excuse her, by saying a lady so long +time used to be a royal queen might naturally be a little exasperated +with those she fancied would throw her from that station she so justly +deserved. By these sort of plots I found the way to make the king angry +with the queen; for nothing is easier than to make a man angry with a +woman he wants to be rid of, and who stands in the way between him +and his pleasure; so that now the king, on the pretense of the queen's +obstinacy in a point where his conscience was so tenderly concerned, +parted with her. Everything was now plain before me; I had nothing +farther to do but to let the king alone to his own desires; and I had no +reason to fear, since they had carried him so far, but that they would +urge him on to do everything I aimed at. I was created marchioness of +Pembroke. This dignity sat very easy on me; for the thoughts of a much +higher title took from me all feeling of this; and I looked upon being +a marchioness as a trifle, not that I saw the bauble in its true light, +but because it fell short of what I had figured to myself I should soon +obtain. The king's desires grew very impatient, and it was not long +before I was privately married to him. I was no sooner his wife than I +found all the queen come upon me; I felt myself conscious of royalty, +and even the faces of my most intimate acquaintance seemed to me to be +quite strange. I hardly knew them: height had turned my head, and I was +like a man placed on a monument, to whose sight all creatures at a great +distance below him appear like so many little pigmies crawling about +on the earth; and the prospect so greatly delighted me, that I did not +presently consider that in both cases descending a few steps erected +by human hands would place us in the number of those very pigmies who +appeared so despicable. Our marriage was kept private for some time, for +it was not thought proper to make it public (the affair of the divorce +not being finished) till the birth of my daughter Elizabeth made it +necessary. But all who saw me knew it; for my manner of speaking and +acting was so much changed with my station, that all around me plainly +perceived I was sure I was a queen. While it was a secret I had yet +something to wish for; I could not be perfectly satisfied till all the +world was acquainted with my fortune: but when my coronation was over, +and I was raised to the height of my ambition, instead of finding myself +happy, I was in reality more miserable than ever; for, besides that +the aversion I had naturally to the king was much more difficult +to dissemble after marriage than before, and grew into a perfect +detestation, my imagination, which had thus warmly pursued a crown, grew +cool when I was in the possession of it, and gave me time to reflect +what mighty matter I had gained by all this bustle; and I often used to +think myself in the case of the fox-hunter, who, when he has toiled and +sweated all day in the chase as if some unheard-of blessing was to crown +his success, finds at last all he has got by his labor is a stinking +nauseous animal. But my condition was yet worse than his; for he leaves +the loathsome wretch to be torn by his hounds, whilst I was obliged to +fondle mine, and meanly pretend him to be the object of my love. For the +whole time I was in this envied, this exalted state, I led a continual +life of hypocrisy, which I now know nothing on earth can compensate. I +had no companion but the man I hated. I dared not disclose my sentiments +to any person about me, nor did any one presume to enter into any +freedom of conversation with me; but all who spoke to me talked to the +queen, and not to me; for they would have said just the same things to +a dressed-up puppet, if the king had taken a fancy to call it his wife. +And as I knew every woman in the court was my enemy, from thinking she +had much more right than I had to the place I filled, I thought myself +as unhappy as if I had been placed in a wild wood, where there was no +human creature for me to speak to, in a continual fear of leaving any +traces of my footsteps, lest I should be found by some dreadful monster, +or stung by snakes and adders; for such are spiteful women to the +objects of their envy. In this worst of all situations I was obliged to +hide my melancholy and appear cheerful. This threw me into an error the +other way, and I sometimes fell into a levity in my behavior that was +afterwards made use of to my disadvantage. I had a son deadborn, which I +perceived abated something of the king's ardor; for his temper could +not brook the least disappointment. This gave me no uneasiness; for, not +considering the consequences, I could not help being best pleased when I +had least of his company. Afterwards I found he had cast his eyes on one +of my maids of honor; and, whether it was owing to any art of hers, or +only to the king's violent passions, I was in the end used even worse +than my former mistress had been by my means. The decay of the +king's affection was presently seen by all those court-sycophants who +continually watch the motions of royal eyes; and the moment they found +they could be heard against me they turned my most innocent actions and +words, nay, even my very looks, into proofs of the blackest crimes. The +king, who was impatient to enjoy his new love, lent a willing ear to all +my accusers, who found ways of making him jealous that I was false +to his bed. He would not so easily have believed anything against me +before, but he was now glad to flatter himself that he had found a +reason to do just what he had resolved upon without a reason; and on +some slight pretenses and hearsay evidence I was sent to the Tower, +where the lady who was my greatest enemy was appointed to watch me and +lie in the same chamber with me. This was really as bad a punishment as +my death, for she insulted me with those keen reproaches and spiteful +witticisms, which threw me into such vapors and violent fits that I +knew not what I uttered in this condition. She pretended I had confessed +talking ridiculous stuff with a set of low fellows whom I had hardly +ever taken notice of, as could have imposed on none but such as were +resolved to believe. I was brought to my trial, and, to blacken me the +more, accused of conversing criminally with my own brother, whom indeed +I loved extremely well, but never looked on him in any other light than +as my friend. However, I was condemned to be beheaded, or burnt, as the +king pleased; and he was graciously pleased, from the great remains of +his love, to choose the mildest sentence. I was much less shocked at +this manner of ending my life than I should have been in any other +station: but I had had so little enjoyment from the time I had been a +queen, that death was the less dreadful to me. The chief things that lay +on my conscience were the arts I made use of to induce the king to part +with the queen, my ill usage of lady Mary, and my jilting lord Percy. +However, I endeavored to calm my mind as well as I could, and hoped +these crimes would be forgiven me; for in other respects I had led a +very innocent life, and always did all the good-natured actions I found +any opportunity of doing. From the time I had it in my power, I gave a +great deal of money amongst the poor; I prayed very devoutly, and went +to my execution very composedly. Thus I lost my life at the age of +twenty-nine, in which short time I believe I went through more variety +of scenes than many people who live to be very old. I had lived in a +court, where I spent my time in coquetry and gayety; I had experienced +what it was to have one of those violent passions which makes the +mind all turbulence and anxiety; I had had a lover whom I esteemed and +valued, and at the latter part of my life I was raised to a station as +high as the vainest woman could wish. But in all these various changes +I never enjoyed any real satisfaction, unless in the little time I lived +retired in the country free from all noise and hurry, and while I was +conscious I was the object of the love and esteem of a man of sense and +honor." + +On the conclusion of this history Minos paused for a small time, and +then ordered the gate to be thrown open for Anna Boleyn's admittance +on the consideration that whoever had suffered being the queen for four +years, and been sensible during all that time of the real misery which +attends that exalted station, ought to be forgiven whatever she had done +to obtain it. [11] + + + + +Footnotes: + +[Footnote 1: Some doubt whether this should not be rather 1641, which +is a date more agreeable to the account given of it in the introduction: +but then there are some passages which seem to relate to transactions +infinitely later, even within this year or two. To say the truth there +are difficulties attending either conjecture; so the reader may take +which he pleases.] + +[Footnote 2: Eyes are not perhaps so properly adapted to a spiritual +substance; but we are here, as in many other places, obliged to use +corporeal terms to make ourselves the better understood. ] + +[Footnote 3: This is the dress in which the god appears to mortals at +the theaters. One of the offices attributed to this god by the ancients, +was to collect the ghosts as a shepherd doth a flock of sheep, and drive +them with his wand into the other world.] + +[Footnote 4: Those who have read of the gods sleeping in Homer will not +be surprised at this happening to spirits.] + +[Footnote 5: A particular lady of quality is meant here; but every +lady of quality, or no quality, are welcome to apply the character to +themselves.] + +[Footnote 6: We have before made an apology for this language, which +we here repeat for the last time; though the heart may, we hope, be +metaphorically used here with more propriety than when we apply those +passions to the body which belong to the soul.] + +[Footnote 7: That we may mention it once for all, in the panegyrical +part of this work some particular person is always meant: but, in the +satirical, nobody.] + +[Footnote 8: These ladies, I believe, by their names, presided over the +leprosy, king's-evil, and scurvy.] + + +[Footnote 9: This silly story is told as a solemn truth (i.e., that +St. James really appeared in the manner this fellow is described) by +Mariana, 1.7, Section 78.] + +[Footnote 10: Here part of the manuscript is lost, and that a very +considerable one, as appears by the number of the next book and chapter, +which contains, I find, the history of Anna Boleyn; but as to the manner +in which it was introduced, or to whom the narrative is told, we are +totally left in the dark. I have only to remark, that this chapter is, +in the original, writ in a woman's hand: and, though the observations in +it are, I think, as excellent as any in the whole volume, there seems to +be a difference in style between this and the preceding chapters; and, +as it is the character of a woman which is related, I am inclined to +fancy it was really written by one of that sex.] + +[Footnote 11: Here ends this curious manuscript; the rest being +destroyed in rolling up pens, tobacco, &c. It is to be hoped heedless +people will henceforth be more cautious what they burn, or use to other +vile purposes; especially when they consider the fate which had likely +to have befallen the divine Milton, and that the works of Homer were +probably discovered in some chandlers shop in Greece.] + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's From This World to the Next, by Henry Fielding + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FROM THIS WORLD TO THE NEXT *** + +***** This file should be named 1147.txt or 1147.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/4/1147/ + +Produced by Charles Keller + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/old/1147.zip b/old/1147.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8f585d2 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/1147.zip |