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diff --git a/11466-0.txt b/11466-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..207e034 --- /dev/null +++ b/11466-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1682 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11466 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11466-h.htm or 11466-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/6/11466/11466-h/11466-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/6/11466/11466-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 153 + +DECEMBER 19, 1917 + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +GENERAL ALLENBY having announced that all the holy places in Jerusalem +will be protected, the KAISER is about to issue a manifesto to his +Turkish subjects, pointing out that so much time has elapsed since he +was there in 1898 that the place can no longer be considered as holy +as it was. + + *** + +It is now stated that the leader of the Sinn Feiners is an American +citizen. It is hardly likely, however, in view of the friendly +relations prevailing between ourselves and the United States, that +the point will be pressed. + + *** + +Another lengthy pamphlet on the subject of cheese has been issued by +the FOOD-CONTROLLER. The Department now claims that there is no excuse +for even the simplest grocer failing to recognise a cheese when he +sees it. + + *** + +A painful story comes from the North of England. It appears that a man +left his home saying that he would obtain a pound of Devonshire butter +or die. He was only thirty-four years of age. + + *** + +A leaflet containing President WILSON'S recent speech to Congress +has been passed by the CENSOR, who, however, does not wish it to be +understood that he could not have improved on it if he had cared to. + + *** + +A grave state of affairs is reported by a New York paper. It appears +that America will shortly ask Mexico to make revolutions a criminal +offence. They'll be stopping baseball next. + + *** + +A question put by Mr. FIELD in the House of Commons suggested that +M.P.s should travel on railways free of charge. The chief objection +seems to be that they would be sure to want return tickets. + + *** + +A domestic servant points out in a contemporary that she has worked +from seven in the morning until ten o'clock at night for six months +without a break. Another domestic who holds the smash-as-smash-can +record wonders where this poor girl learnt her business. + + *** + +Discussing the London taxi strike a contemporary remarks that both +sides ought to meet. Failing that, we think that at least one side +might meet. + + *** + +Writing to _The Evening News_ a Maidstone gentleman protested against +the action of the authorities who covered up the Tank in Trafalgar +Square on Sundays. On the first Sunday it seems that somebody tripped +over it. + + *** + +There appears to be an epidemic of trouble in the animal world. +An elephant at the Zoo has just died, while only a few days ago +a travelling crane collapsed at Glasgow. + + *** + +Burglars who looted an Oxford Street shop last week obtained admission +by making a hole through a brick wall. It is supposed the shop door +was closed. + + *** + +Surely it is only hindering matters for people to keep writing to the +Press on the matter of the appointment of a Minister of Health. It +seems to be overlooked that so far _The Daily Mail_ has not indicated +who should be appointed to that position. + + *** + +The Government having reaffirmed their statement that they have "no +further fear of submarines," it is felt to be high time that someone +in authority should break it to the U-boats that they might as well +give it up and go home. + + *** + +The gentleman who wrote to the Press offering to sell eggs at _4s. +7d._ a dozen has since explained that he merely wanted to show how +much higher the market price is than his would have been if he had +really had any eggs to sell. + + *** + +We understand that it has not yet been decided in Berlin what the +Sultan of TURKEY thinks of the capture of Jerusalem. + + *** + +Four letters of QUEEN ELIZABETH have just been sold by auction. +Strangely enough, nothing is said in them about her having no quarrel +with the Spanish people, but only with their Monarch. + + *** + +"Is the potato the saviour of the Fatherland?" asks the _Deutsche +Tageszeitung_. Another slight to the ALL-HIGHEST. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Both together_. "NOW, MY MAN, WHY DON'T YOU SALUTE +WHEN YOU PASS AN OFFICER?"] + + * * * * * + +From a review of Lord LISTER'S "Life":-- + + "It was in Edinburgh that he struck his most famous patient, + Henley, who has a record of the 'Chief' in his rhymes and + rhythms, 'In Hospital.'"--_Daily Paper_. + +But it was not in reference to this incident that HENLEY wrote, "My +head is bloody but unbowed." + + * * * * * + + "If all fools were rationed there could be no fixed + scale."--_Star_. + +Of course not; we have always noticed that the bigger the fool the +more he eats. + + * * * * * + + "Bassano is a nice town, by a dam site."--_Canadian Paper_. + +But a Canadian friend tells us there are others "a dam sight nicer." + + * * * * * + + "The German government has a terrific explosive, which is being + held in reserve to the last.... It is said that a bomb weighing + scarcely ten kilometres can annihilate everything within a radius + of two thousand feet."--_New York Herald_. + +We do not mind saying that we are frankly afraid of a bomb that weighs +about six miles. + + * * * * * + + "TIPPERARY BURGLARY.--Tipperary Temperance Club premises have been + gurgled."--_Cork Examiner_. + +GILBERT'S burglar up-to-date: "He loves to hear the Temperance Club +a-gurgling." + + * * * * * + + "General Allenby, no doubt, will go in due time to the House of + Lords, and military men are taking a jocular interest in his + selection of a title. Lord Bathsheba might serve, or Lord Hebron. + Lord Jerusalem smacks of the jocose."--_Birmingham Daily Post_. + +For our part we thought "Lord Bathsheba" rather funny too. + + * * * * * + +AN HISTORICAL CURIOSITY. + + "At Blenheim is a small glass-topped table, which contains the + sword of the great Duke of Marlborough, also a letter addressed by + him to Sarah Duchess from the field of Waterloo."--_The Queen_. + + * * * * * + +OUR PACIFISTS. + + Far as my humble daily round extends, + There's none but longs to see us lay the foe low; + I cannot trace upon my list of friends + A solitary instance of a Bolo; + So that I've sometimes nursed a doubt + Whether there are such lots of them about. + + But now, when that _Gazette_ in which I read + (To learn its views on any given matter + And so avoid 'em) hints that no such breed + Exists among us, save in idle chatter, + I am convinced the country reeks + With these unnatural and noisome freaks. + + Only the worst are out for German pay; + Some claim ideals on the loftiest level; + Peace (and a fig for Honour) is their lay-- + Peace and the Brotherhood of man and devil; + They love all sorts beneath the sun-- + Even an Englishman; but best a Hun. + + They save the choicest of their tears to shed + For those who break all laws divine and human; + They'd bid the dead past cover up its dead, + Forgetful of our murdered, child and woman; + Forgetful of our drowned who sleep + Without a grave beneath the wandering deep. + + I know not how or when this War will close, + But this I know: unless my brain goes rotten, + Never will I clasp hand with hand of those, + False to their blood, who'd have these things forgotten, + Who want a peace untimely made + Before the uttermost account is paid. + + Thirty years on, when weak with age, I might + Possibly talk to some repentant Teuton; + But, while I still can tell a knave at sight + And have enough of strength to keep a boot on, + Only in one way will I get + In touch with samples of the Bolo Set. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE CADET'S FRIEND. + +MISUNDERSTOOD.--You were in the wrong. The custom of throwing +chicken-bones over the right shoulder is practised only in the mess of +the 13th Bavarian Landsturm Regiment. Still, considering that you had +only joined that day, we think your colonel acted hastily. + +AS YOU WERE (and several other Correspondents).--The executive order +for the new combined movement of "About turn and left incline" is +given when the joint of the left big toe is opposite the right instep +(in Rifle regiments substitute right for left and left for right). + +SUBALTERN.--Your company commander is without authority for reproving +you for shaving off your moustache. All the same, judging by the +photograph you enclose, we think you would be wise to keep as much of +your face covered as possible. + +FIELD-MARSHAL'S BATON.--No, you are mistaken in supposing that a +private soldier under close arrest may spend two hours daily in the +regimental canteen. The only stimulant allowed him is one glass (2 +oz., Mark IV.) of port daily with the orderly officer when the latter +inspects the guardroom. + +SUFFERER.--(1) No, White Star gas is never employed by army dentists. +(2) No, you need not take your respirator with you. You hire the +anæsthetist's at a small charge. + +PINK RATS.--You assume that if you were appointed a mopper-up you +would _ex-officio_ be put in charge of the rum-ration. This is not the +case. The function of moppers-up is to collect souvenirs for the new +Great War Museum, to be housed in one of the four remaining London +hotels. + +OBSERVER.--German minnenwerfer are not dangerous if their flight is +carefully watched, as they swerve to the left, and their landing-place +can thus be fairly accurately judged. Two varieties, however--the +windupwerfer and the hoppitwerfer--swerve to the right. The +googliwerfer swerves both ways. + +SOCIABLE.--The correct method of dealing with snipers in a house is to +ring the front-door bell with the thumb and forefinger of the right +hand, at the same time smartly inserting a charge of cordite into the +letter-box with the left. Indents for postmen's uniforms for this +purpose should be rendered to D.A.D.O.S. in triplicate. + +STATISTICIAN.--The world's record is held by the adjutant of the +pioneer battalion of the 371st Silesian Foot Regiment. There is +unimpeachable evidence to prove that he was heard drinking gravy soup +from a distance of 477 metres. The night was calm. + + * * * * * + +IF THE PAPER SHORTAGE INCREASES. + +(_SOME FUTURE PRESS ITEMS._) + +FICTION FAMINE IN THE PROVINCES. + +From many districts come reports of great difficulty in obtaining +novels. Yesterday in a well-known Midland town the unusual sight +was observed of long queues outside the chief booksellers'. Several +libraries displayed notices bearing the words, "No GARVICE to-day"; +and quite early in the afternoon best quality BENSONS were practically +unobtainable, even by regular customers. + +FIRST CONDITIONAL SALE PROSECUTION. + +Much interest has been roused in East Anglia over the fine of one +hundred pounds inflicted by the Bench upon a local bookseller, found +guilty of the Conditional Sale of Fiction. The chief witness, a +retired stockbroker, proved that defendant refused to supply his +order for a shilling's worth of O. HENRY unless he also purchased +a remainder copy of _Wanderings Round Widnes_ (published at +twelve-and-six net). The Chairman, remarking that the case was a +specially flagrant one, expressed a hope that the result would +protect the public from such imposition in future. + +VALUABLE DISCOVERY. + +In view of the serious shortage in reliable fiction, nothing less +than a sensation is likely to result from the reported discovery of an +entirely satisfactory BARCLAY substitute in tabloid form. Should the +tidings prove well authenticated, the patrons of circulating libraries +will have good reason for satisfaction. The new preparation is said to +be even sweeter than the original article, and equally sustaining. + +FICTION CARDS COMING. + +On inquiry at the Albert Hall (recently taken over as offices by the +Literature Control Committee), our representative was emphatically +assured that, should the system of voluntary romance-rationing prove +unsatisfactory, some form of compulsion will become inevitable. It was +pointed out that the indicated maximum of one novel or magazine per +head weekly is amply sufficient for all reasonable requirements. The +attention of the public is further called to the need of making the +fullest and most economical use of the allowance, and not wasting +the advertisement pages, which contain much readable and stimulating +matter, the patent medicine paragraphs especially being rich in the +finest imaginative fiction. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEED OF MEN. + +MR. PUNCH (_to the Comber-out_). "MORE POWER TO YOUR ELBOW, SIR. BUT +WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO FILL UP THAT SILLY GAP?" + +SIR AUCKLAND GEDDES. "HUSH! HUSH! WE'RE WAITING FOR THE MILLENNIUM."] + + * * * * * + +"CHOCKCHAW;" + +OR, BIG-WIGS AT PLAY. + +Somebody in the Old Country discovered, with the aid of a hint or +two, that the tooth (exact molar not specified) of the General Staff +Officer 3 was sweet. As a natural result a certain famous firm of +confectioners was indented upon heavily. Day in, day out, perspiring +orderlies arrived festooned with parcels containing all kinds of +wonderful things crammed with all sorts of wonderful surprises. Life +in the General Staff Office resolved itself into four meals a day +between sweetmeats. The whole routine underwent a complete change. +Everyone who visited the place made, as a matter of course, a bee +line for the General Staff Canteen cupboard, and while searching for +the particular dainty he fancied broached the subject of his visit in +general terms. He then turned to the officer he was addressing and +politely offered him the kind of delicacy he thought would blend best +with the matter in hand. + +And then Chockchaw arrived. It began by letting the G.S.O.3 down +badly the first day. All unsuspicious of its properties he rang up a +Division, popped a piece into his mouth and waited. In due time the +call came through, but no word could he utter. "Chockchaw lockjaw" had +set in. Only a horrible sound like the squelching of ten gum-boots in +the mud reached the indignant Staff at the other end. After a minute's +monologue they rang off in disgust. + +Yet in spite of all difficulties the vogue of Chockchaw swept through +the Corps. It is such a ripe, rich, full-flavoured irresistible +concoction. Disadvantages there are, of course, but, on the other +hand, if you want to be quiet, it is easy to lure the unsuspecting +intruder on to Chockchaw and leave it at that. After vain efforts the +poor fellow usually creeps away like a cat with too big a bone and +chews himself back to speech round the corner. He seldom returns, and +if he does--there is always more Chockchaw. Should he refuse it this +time you can take a piece yourself and save the trouble of answering, +anyway. + +Chockchaw entailed more perilous chances than at first appeared +probable. Indeed at one time it looked like seriously impeding the +course of final victory. + +On a certain brown November day the G.S.O.2 suddenly jumped up from +his chair, ran to the Canteen cupboard, popped a piece of Chockchaw +into his mouth (because he had a difficult March Table to make out and +needed sustenance) and fell to work whistling like an ordinary human +being (who cannot whistle). I.O. (not the gadfly, but the Intelligence +Officer) dropped in with his usual list of suspected hostile +emplacements. He took Chockchaw in case he was asked pertinent +questions. He has to be _so_ careful what he gives away unofficially. +He knows so _much_. Germans try to steal his summaries to find out +what their own intentions really are. The A.D.C. dropped in for his +usual morning chat and Chockchaw. The Staff Officer R.A. (S.O.R.A.), +that inveterate sweet-guzzler, also dropped in. + +"Hullo, what are you fellows munching?" asked the General, coming in +muddied all over. "Give me a bit; I've had no breakfast. What's the +news, Intelligence?" (No answer) "Is that Move Order done, by the +way?" (No answer.) "Why, what the--Good Lord, I'm _stuck_! What +stuff is this you've given me?" And there they all stood chumping in +silence. + +The telephone rang. The absurdity of a dumb Staff tickled everybody. +They winked their appreciation of the situation at one another. Not to +be able to say "Thank you" on being instructed "with reference to my +telegram of to-day for L/Cpl. Plunkett read L/Cpl. Plonkett," appealed +to them. Amidst the chuckles and gluggels of all, the G.S.O.3 was +obliged to lift the receiver. Something of the seriousness of the +occasion must have communicated itself to the others, for they crowded +round him, mumbling and munching sympathetically. Speechless, the +poor fellow wrote hastily on a buff slip of paper a Name, and passed +it round. It was the name of an Excessively Resplendent One, whose +lightest word results in headlines in the less expensive daily press. + +A frightful panic came over all. What--a General Staff ceasing to +function even for a minute? It was unthinkable. The news would +be flashed through to all concerned and become the subject of +conversation in ten thousand messes that evening. It must not be. +Never was there such a kneading and gnashing of teeth. But to no +purpose. You cannot hurry Chockchaw; time, and time alone, will defeat +it. The General tried to pack it all into one cheek. Useless; to +attempt to sculpture in seccotine would have been a simpler task. The +G.S.O.2 tried a frontal swallow, but only lined his throat more and +more thickly until respiration became difficult. The S.O.R.A. nearly +swallowed his tongue. The A.D.C., having cricked his jaw in the first +five seconds, counted ten and threw up the sponge. The voice at the +telephone became louder and more insistent. Flushed, hot and flurried, +the G.S.O.3 thrust the receiver into the hands of the G.S.O.2, who +handed it on to the General, who dropped it. Nobody spoke. Only the +crackling and cackling voice could be heard from the receiver as it +hung face downwards at the end of its cord. + +It was a moment demanding imagination. Naturally the Intelligence +Officer felt the responsibility. He stepped forward, slapped the +mouthpiece three times with the palm of his hand, rang off, rang on +and slapped it again. The effect at the other end must have been +horrible, but it achieved its purpose. By the time connection had been +restored and the blood of the Signal Master demanded, the A.D.C. had +cheated with a handkerchief and was able to gasp out that the Corps +Commander would enjoy seeing the Resplendent One any time that day. + +Thus the honour of the General Staff was saved, the Intelligence +Officer vindicated and the vogue of Chockchaw brought to an untimely +end. + +"You ought," said the General severely to the G.S.O.3--"you ought to +be unstuck for bringing such stuff into the office." + +"I have never wished so hard in my life, Sir, to be unstuck," said he. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN THE TOWER DISTRICT. + +"SAY, GUV'NOR, YER MIGHT RESERVE A COUPLE OF FIRST-CLASS DUNGEONS FOR +ME AN' MY FRIENDS ON THE NEXT RAID NIGHT."] + + * * * * * + +THE SUPERIOR SEX. + +"You are late again," said Clara, as I entered our domestic portal. +"What is it this time?" + +Gently but firmly I explained the reason. A certain amount of tact was +necessary, for my wife does not care for any remarks that appear to +reflect upon her sex. + +"Owing to the present abnormal state of things, my dear," I said, "our +office is now almost entirely staffed by women. In many ways this is +an improvement. Their refining influence upon the dress and deportment +of the few remaining male members of the staff is distinctly +noticeable. But there are, I regret to say, certain drawbacks. +Admittedly our superiors in many respects, in others they are not, +I am afraid, equal to the situation. Take, for instance, matters of +detail where you--I mean they--should excel. I asked Miss Philpott to +write a letter--" + +"Did you post that letter for me this morning?" said Clara. "If Mrs. +Roberts doesn't get it she won't know where to meet me to-morrow." + +It is a woman's privilege to wander from the point at issue. I +told Clara somewhat shortly that I had posted the letter, although +naturally I did not remember doing so. A man who has hundreds of petty +details to deal with every day, as I have, develops an automatic +memory--a subconscious mechanism which never fails him. + +I explained this to Clara. "Not once in five thousand times would it +allow me to pass the pillar-box with an unposted letter in my pocket. +Perhaps it is the vivid red--" + +"And perhaps your vivid imagination," said my wife. "Well, I am glad +you posted the letter, for Mrs. Roberts, as you know, never received +the one you posted ten days ago." + +"I took that matter up very firmly with the local postmaster," I said. +"He explained to me that letters are now almost entirely sorted and +delivered by women, and he was afraid mistakes sometimes happened. +And just to satisfy you about this last one, which I put as usual in +my breast pocket at the back of my other papers--" I produced the +contents of my pocket. As I expected the letter was not there. + +"Why do you carry so many papers in your pocket? What are they all +about?" + +"Candidly, my dear, I do not know. Without the element of surprise +life would be unbearably monotonous. That element I deliberately +carry with me in my breast pocket. When a dull moment comes I empty +my pockets. It would surprise you--" + +"Nothing you do surprises me," said Clara. "Now go upstairs, please, +and make yourself tidy. Have a dull moment--not more than one, for +dinner is nearly ready--and get rid of those papers." + +Although my wife has not a logical process of thought, at times she +makes sensible remarks. I took her advice. As I anticipated I had some +surprises. + +A few important business memoranda, a sugar form, two income tax +demands, a number of private letters and an unpaid coal account made +up the collection. There was really nothing I could part with. Luckily +I found two duplicates of the coal account. These I could spare. As I +opened one of them Mrs. Roberts's letter fell out of it. + +I had just time to catch the post. I managed to reach the front-door +unobserved. My wife opened the dining-room window to tell me that +dinner was ready. I told her I had forgotten to post a very important +business letter. + +"A most unusual occurrence," I said. + +"Mary can post it for you. Dinner's on the table." Clara extended her +hand for the letter. I explained that it was so very important that I +could not even trust Mary. + +"Mary's sex is, of course, against her," said my wife, "but I'll tell +her to hold the letter out at arm's length. You can see her all the +way from the window and watch her put it in the pillar-box." + +A little candour is sometimes necessary. + +"Strangely enough," I said, "the five-thousandth chance has come off. +It is true the letter is important, but the business is yours, and +the letter is addressed to Mrs. Roberts. I forgot to post it this +morning." + +"I know you did," said Clara. "You left it behind, and I posted it +myself." + +Here I saw that I was going to score. "Then what is this?" I asked +in triumph. + +"This," said Clara, taking it from me, "is the letter you forgot to +post ten days ago." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mrs. Judkins_ (_beating up against the draught in the +Tube_). "THANK GOODNESS WE SHAN'T 'AVE NO AIR-RAID TO-NIGHT, MRS. +'ARRIS. IT SEEMS TO BE BLOWIN' UP NICELY FOR RAIN."] + + * * * * * + +TO "MARTIN ROSS." + +(_AFTER READING "IRISH MEMORIES."_) + + Two Irish cousins greet us here + From BUSHE "the silver-tongued" descended, + Whose lives for close on thirty year + Were indistinguishably blended; + Scorning the rule that holds for cooks, + They pooled their brains and joined their forces, + And wrote a dozen gorgeous books + On men and women, hounds and horses. + + They superseded _Handley Cross_; + They glorified the "hunting fever;" + They purged their pages of the dross, + While bettering the fun, of LEVER; + With many a priceless turn of phrase + They stirred us to Homeric laughter, + When painting Ireland in the days + Before Sinn Fein bewitched and "strafed" her. + + With them we watched good _Major Yeates_ + Contending with litigious peasants, + With "hidden hands" within his gates, + With claims for foxes and for pheasants; + We saw _Leigh Kelway_ drop his chin-- + That precious English super-tripper-- + In shocked amazement drinking in + The lurid narrative of _Slipper_. + + _Philippa's_ piercing peacock squeals, + Uttered in moments of expansion; + The grime and splendour of the meals + Of _Mrs. Knox_ and of her mansion; + The secrets of horse-coping lore, + The loves of _Sally_ and of _Flurry_-- + All these delights and hundreds more + Are not forgotten in a hurry. + + Yet the same genial pens that freight + Our memories with joyous magic + Gave us the tale of _Francie's_ fate-- + So vulgar, lovable and tragic; + Just to the land that gave them birth + They showed her smiling, sad and sullen, + And turning from the paths of mirth + Probed the dark soul of _Charlotte Mullen_. + + Alas! the tie, so close, so dear, + Two years ago death rent asunder; + Hushed is the voice so gay and clear + Which moved us once to joy and wonder; + Yet, though they chronicle a loss + Whose pang no lapse of time assuages, + The spirit of brave "MARTIN ROSS" + Shines like a star throughout these pages. + + Here in her letters may one trace + The generous scorn, the gentle pity, + The easy unaffected grace, + The wisdom that was always witty; + Here, mirrored in a sister soul, + One sees the comrade, strong yet tender, + Who marched unfaltering to her goal + Through sacrifice and self-surrender. + + * * * * * + +THE FOOD OF THE FAMOUS. + +The publication of Lord RHONDDA'S daily menu will, we hope, lead +other prominent people who are striving to follow his good example +to divulge the details of their dietary. But in case their natural +modesty may prevent them from doing so, Mr. Punch ventures to supply +a few unauthorised particulars. + +The source of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S boundless energy has long been +a mystery. It is now known to be derived from a raw leek eaten +on rising, and a dinner of Welsh rabbit, made from a modicum of +Government cheese and half a slice of war bread. + +With Mr. BONAR LAW all meals are oatmeals. A plate of porridge at +daybreak, bannocks slightly margarined, when possible, for lunch, +and a stiff cup of gruel just after Question time keep him alert and +smiling. + +Thanks to the Spartan habits formed during his connection with both +services, belt-tightening has no terrors for Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL. A +quid of Navy tobacco suffices for breakfast, and his only other meal +consists of a slice of bully beef with a hard biscuit served on an +inverted packing-case. + +The wild rumours recently current as to the amount of nutriment +required for the upkeep of Mr. G.K. CHESTERTON have now been happily +set at rest. The needful calories for twenty-four hours of his +strenuous existence are supplied by two cups of cocoa, a shred of +dried toast, a Brazil nut, a glass of sodawater and a grilled banana. + + * * * * * + + "In one case the good cows from one herd had an average + production of 9,592 lbs. milk, and 406 lbs. of fat, while + the poor cows had a production of only 3,098 lbs. of milk + and 119 lbs. of tea."--_Farming News_. + +Give us the poor cows every time. + + * * * * * + +From a Church paper:-- + + "'EARLY CHRISTIANS.' I am sorry you cannot get these from + the Army and Navy Stores." + +It sounds like the old tiger story. + + * * * * * + + "A certain company commander, looking out of his quarters, saw + several Germans in possession of a dump not far away. Although + still in his sleeping clothes, he seized his trench tick + and rushed towards them. Why they did not fire upon him is + one of those little mysteries which will probably never be + explained."--_Daily Paper_. + +Unless by the learned author of _Minor Horrors of War_, who knows all +about the fauna of the trenches. + + * * * * * + +THE PERFECT CUSTOMER. + +It was a very ordinary country sale of work. The Countess of Bilberry +declared it open in a neat little speech, and then bought generously +from every stall: her daughter, whose smile nobody could resist, did a +fine trade with raffle tickets for the record pumpkin produced by the +local allotments: Mrs. Dodd, the Rector's wife, presided over a pair +of scales and a strictly rationed tea, and all the rest of the village +sold vegetables and socks and pincushions, and tried to pretend that +antimacassars and shaving tidies and woolwork waistbelts were the most +desirable things in the world when they were made by wounded men at +the nearest Red Cross Hospital, in whose aid the sale was held. + +But there was one unique figure amongst all the folk who knew each +other, and each other's clothes, and each other's clothes' cost, so +well. She arrived at the Village Hall in a pony-carriage, drawn by +the ugliest little pony that ever sniffed oats. She was very quietly +and very tastefully dressed, and, instead of concentrating on the +well-laden stalls of garden produce or the orderly stacks of knitted +comforts, or the really useful baskets, she went straight to the stall +which even Mrs. Dodd, who had the kindest heart in the countryside, +had been compelled to relegate to a dark corner. There was +woolwork run riot over cushions of incredible hardness; there were +candle-shades guaranteed to catch alight at the mere sight of a match; +there were crochet dressing-table mats, and there was a three-legged +stool on which even a fairy could not have sat without danger of a +break-down. + +The youngest Miss Dodd, a severely practical young lady of sixteen, +who was presiding at this stall, jumped up in surprise at the sight of +a customer, and in doing so knocked over a glass box bound with red +and white and blue ribbon, with "Handkerchiefs" painted across the +corner in a design of forget-me-nots. There was very little glass box +left when she picked it up, and the splinters had made a good many +little craters in the surface of a big bowl of clotted cream, labelled +"Positively the last appearance for the Duration of the War," which +was at the corner of the next stall. + +The little stranger said that she would take the box and the damaged +cream too; she bought a whole family of crochet mats with centres +of orange woollen loops; three pincushions made of playing cards +discharged as no longer fit for active service; a table-centre with +pen-painting of the Allied flags, and a letter-case with the badges of +the Dominions worked in wool and "Across the sea, A letter from thee," +straggling wearily across one corner. Then there was an antimacassar +in purple and magenta sateen, with yellow daffodils making a brave +attempt to flourish in unlikely surroundings. + +At the next stall she bought a photograph frame which had lost its +prop in an unequal contest with a tea-tray which had collapsed from +the heartiness of the Rector's clapping at the conclusion of the +Countess's speech; and a Noah's Ark from which the star performer +and his very best beasts had somehow disappeared. + +Then the little lady paused before the live-stock stall. + +"There isn't anything really hideous here," she murmured to herself; +"but I think that puppy--it's never had its tail cut, and nobody will +ever know whether it's a sealyham, a spaniel or even a dash of a +setter--I will take the puppy, please," she added, "as soon as I've +had some tea. After that I will see what is left. You have such nice +things." + +After tea she went back to the youngest Miss Dodd and collected a few +more of the more glaring atrocities, paid her bills, and then went off +to her pony-carriage; the youngest Miss Dodd, very much inclined to +giggle, bearing armfuls of odd purchases in her wake, crowned by the +bowl of cream and the mongrel pup. She handed them in and was just +going away when the little old lady pressed a piece of paper into her +hand. + +"I don't like to worry people," she said gently, "but if you have time +you might read this. It has been a great opportunity to-day; I don't +often find so much to be done--and I shall love the puppy." + +The youngest Miss Dodd watched the start of the ugly pony with a +snigger and then went back into the lighted hall to read the pamphlet. +It was a touching little document--many people know it well--and the +youngest Miss Dodd, who had never been known to sentimentalize over +anything before, blew her nose rather violently when she had read it. + +"Bless her dear little soul!" she said to herself: "I don't wonder +that pup was trying to kiss her. I only hope she won't try to eat that +cream with the glass in it, or give it to the pup." For the pamphlet +was the Rules for Membership and a treatise on the Objects and Methods +of the "Society for Buying What Nobody Wants." + + * * * * * + +MORE PROFITEERING. + +"Beautiful champagne broche silk crepe de chine blouse; open neck; one +button; cost 2s. 6d.; accept 15s."--_The Lady_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INEFFICIENCY IN THE NAVY. + +_First Bluejacket_. "HULLO, MATE, I THOUGHT YOU WAS ASHORE WITH THE +CAPTAIN, PLAYING GOLF." + +_Second Bluejacket_. "WELL, SO I WAS. IT'S LIKE THIS 'ERE. 'E GIVES ME +'IS STICKS TO CARRY, AND THEN TAKES ONE AND PUTS A LI'L WHITE BALL ON +TOP OF A BIT O' SAND AND, MY WORD! HE CATCHES THAT BALL A FAIR SWIPE. +MUST 'A' GONE MILES. THEN 'E TURNS TO ME AND SEZ, 'DID YER SEE WHERE +THAT WENT TO?' SO I SEZ, SMART LIKE, 'OUT O' SIGHT FROM THE MOMENT OF +HIMPACT, SIR,' AN' 'E SEZ, 'GO BACK ON BOARD, YE BLINKIN' FATHEAD!'"] + + * * * * * + +CONVERSIONS. + + There was an exuberant flapper + Who made people anxious to slap her; + She uttered loud squeals + And she smoked at all meals; + Now she's married an elderly sapper. + + There was a mild don who was muddy + In mind and complexion by study; + Now he flies fast and far, + With a cross and a bar, + And his face and his language are ruddy. + + * * * * * + + "BRITISH FRONT REINFORCED. + + "BY PERCIVAL PHILLIPS." + + _Daily Paper_. + +Intrepid fellows, our war correspondents. What a pity there are so few +of them! + + * * * * * + + "A long, keen dagger will be supplied to every American + infantryman going to France. This weapon will be fitted into + one of the fighting men's leggings when he goes into action, + so he will have something to fall back on should his bayonet + fail."--_Canadian Paper_. + +If he's going to fall back on it, we hope the sharp end won't be at +the top. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Sub_. "I SAY, SERGEANT-MAJOR, DO YOU REALISE THAT +THAT CHAP WITH THE BARROW IS A MEMBER OF AN ARCHÆOLOGICAL SOCIETY?" +_The Sergeant-Major_. "WELL, SIR, 'E MAY BE WHAT YOU SAY. PERSONALLY +I'VE ALWAYS FOUND 'IM QUIET AND WELL-BE'AVED."] + + * * * * * + +THE CLYDE-BUILT CLIPPER. + + [Many of the fast-sailing clippers which were making fine passages + in the Australian wool trade in the 'seventies and onwards were + laid up or turned into hulks before the War. Recently, however, + several have been re-fitted for sea and are once more doing good + service.] + + A ship there was, and she went to sea + (Away O, my Clyde-built clipper!) + In eighteen hundred and seventy-three, + Fine in the lines and keen in the bow, + The way they've forgotten to build 'em now: + Lofty masted and heavily sparred, + With stunsail booms to every yard, + And flying kites both high and low + To catch the wands when they did blow + (And away, my Clyde-built clipper!). + + Fastest ship on the Colonies run-- + (Away O, my racing clipper!) + That was her when her time begun; + Sixteen knots she could easily do, + And thirteen knots on a bowline too; + She could show her heels to anything made + With sky-sails set in a favouring trade, + Or when she was running her easting down + From London River to Hobart Town + (And away, my racing clipper!). + + Old shellbacks knew her near and far + (Away O, my old-time clipper!) + From Circular Quay to Mersey Bar, + And many a thundering lie they told + About her runs in the days of old; + But the time did come and the time did go, + And she grew old as we all must grow, + And the most of her gear was carried away + When caught aback in a gale one day + (And away, my old-time clipper!). + + Her masts were sprung from fore to mizen + (Away O, my poor old clipper!) + And freights was poor and dues had risen, + And there warn't no sense in rigging her new, + So they laid her up for a year or two; + And there they left her, and there she lay, + And there she might have been laying to-day, + But when cargoes are many and ships are few + A ship's a ship be she old or new + (And away, my poor old clipper!). + + So in nineteen hundred and seventeen + (Away O, my brave old clipper!) + They've rigged her new and they've scraped her clean + And sent her to sea in time of war + To sail the seas as she sailed before. + And in nineteen hundred and seventeen + She's the same good ship as she's always been; + Her ribs are as staunch and her hull's as sound + As any you'd find the wide world round + (And away, my brave old clipper!). + + The same as they were when she went to sea + (Away O, my Clyde-built clipper!) + In eighteen hundred and seventy-three, + Fine in the lines and keen in the bow, + The way they've forgotten to build 'em now; + Lofty masted and heavily sparred, + With stunsail booms to every yard, + And flying kites both high and low + To catch the winds when they did blow-- + (And away, my Clyde-built clipper!). + + C.F.S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LAST CRUSADE. COEUR-DE-LION (_looking down on the +Holy City_). "MY DREAM COMES TRUE!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, December 10th_.--One would gather from the hoardings that the +Government wished to encourage the sale of War Bonds by every possible +means. Yet the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER threw cold water on the +efforts of certain firms to increase the sale by the offer of cash +prizes, and thought it undesirable that this inducement should be +imitated. The advocates of Premium Bonds were a little depressed by +this announcement, but cheered up somewhat on observing that the +conscientious CHANCELLOR has no intention of refusing the millions +already raked into the Treasury by these "schemes of doubtful +legality." + +[Illustration: THE BAD BOYS OF BROMPTON AND OXFORD STREETS.] + +On the vote for an increase of fifty thousand men for the Navy Mr. +GEORGE LAMBERT solemnly announced that the Admiralty was "fumbling +with a magnificent weapon." It is distressing to think that a body +which for nearly ten years enjoyed his services as Civil Lord should +have deteriorated so rapidly since he left it. + +Mr. LYNCH does not think much of the new scheme for securing unity +of effort among the Allies. He called it "the analogue of the Aulic +Council" (pronounced "Owlic," to give more effect to the description). + +The Chequers Estate Bill passed through all its stages amid a chorus +of praise, despite the injunction of the generous donors that there +should be "no flowers." + +_Tuesday, December 11th_.--After all, London is to have the BARNARD +statue, despite the protest of Lord CHARNWOOD, LINCOLN'S latest +biographer, that it is not a portrait of his hero, but of a man whose +only connection with the PRESIDENT was that he was born in the same +neighbourhood. Against this Lord WEARDALE quoted Mr. ROOSEVELT'S +description of the statue as "the Lincoln we all knew and loved." +As Mr. ROOSEVELT had reached the mature age of six when LINCOLN was +assassinated the COMMISSIONER OF WORKS seems to have regarded his +testimony as conclusive. + +At the request of Mr. KING the Peers are to be allowed to listen to +the secret debates of the Commons, if any of them desire to do so. +The hon. Member having expressed a hope that the Peers would grant +reciprocal facilities to the Commons, Mr. HOGGE kindly suggested that +the Government should grant him "all the privileges of the House of +Lords." But Mr. BONAR LAW declined to deprive the House of Commons +in that way of one of its brightest ornaments; so the "Mad Hatter" +will not be called upon just yet awhile to exchange his traditional +headgear for a coronet. + +I presume some Members of Parliament know what "non-ferrous metals" +are, and what is the object of the Bill which the Government has +introduced to deal with them. But the views which they took on the +subject were so obscurely divergent that all I could gather from the +debate was that in some way or other the measure was intended to be a +nasty knock for German trade. That was good enough for the House at +large, which passed the Second Reading by a substantial majority. + +[Illustration: A HORRIBLE MENACE. MR. JOSEPH KING.] + +_Wednesday, December 12th_.--Mr. PRINGLE, having asserted that +candidates for appointments under the War Office were successful +simply on account of possessing a "pull" with the Selection +Department, was quietly reminded by the UNDER-SECRETARY that he +himself had attempted to use his influence on behalf of a candidate. +Mr. PRINGLE was righteously indignant. He had never asked favours of +the War Office; he had merely "recommended men personally known to +me." This delicate distinction, which should have convinced Members +of Mr. PRINGLE'S disinterestedness, only made them laugh. + +On the Vote of Credit for 550 millions the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER +was invited by Mr. DILLON to make a survey of the military situation. +He replied that all the relevant facts were known already. "The War +is going on; the Government and the country intend it shall go on; +and money is necessary to make it go on." It is, perhaps, a pity that +he did not content himself with this epitome and refuse to be drawn +into a discussion of the recent operations near Cambrai. What has +Mr. DILLON done to promote the prosecution of the War that he should +receive special consideration? + +There was a renewed discussion of the censorship of pamphlets. Sir +GEORGE CAVE ably defended the regulations, but did not convince +everyone that his preference for confiscation over prosecution was +entirely sound. The idea that the publishers of these pamphlets would +welcome advertisement is probably erroneous, or why was it necessary +to insist that they should put their names to them? + +Mr. SPENCER HUGHES'S humorous attack upon the CENSOR was much +applauded on the Liberal benches. Some of the more brilliant passages +would have received even wider appreciation if a good many Members had +not heard them a week before from the lips of Mr. AUGUSTINE BIRRELL at +a non-political luncheon. + +_Thursday, December 13th_.--Lord BERESFORD charged the PRIME MINISTER +with having two voices, like _Caliban's_ monster. Lord CURZON +flatly declined to accept the suggestion that Cabinet Ministers +were collectively responsible for one another's speeches--"they had +far more serious things to think of." The phrase seems a little +depreciatory, but as Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, according to his candid +colleague, is "constitutionally an optimist" he will no doubt make +the best of it. + +Mr. HOUSTON was informed that sweets "for military, naval or civil +consumption" were still being imported, but that the Ministry of +Shipping made no special provision for their carriage. No one, +therefore, need grudge Sir ERIC GEDDES the lozenge which he so +ostentatiously popped into his mouth just before making his speech +on Admiralty administration, or inquire too curiously whether it +was consumed by him in his capacity of Major-General, Vice-Admiral +or Civilian Minister. + +Despite the warning of the SPEAKER that it was not in the national +interest to embarrass the Administration, Mr. KING insisted on trying +to discuss forbidden topics. At last Lord ROBERT CECIL "espied +strangers," and we must assume that, without the vivifying presence of +the reporters, Mr. KING'S oratory wilted, for an hour afterwards the +House was up. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Polite Stranger_. "EXCUSE MY TURNING MY BACK UPON YOU, +SIR." + +_Curmudgeon_. "SIR, I KNOW OF NO OBLIGATION ON YOUR PART TO LOOK AT +ME."] + + * * * * * + +THE REWARD OF PATRIOTISM. + +"Major ---- has placed the mansion at the disposal of the War Office, +and will be in charge of Sister ----."--_Provincial Paper_. + + * * * * * + +THINGS OVERHEARD IN WAR-TIME. + +"There couldn't be room there for _all_ the Jews, could there?" + + * * * * * + +"After waiting two hours I got half-a-pound." + + * * * * * + +"It should be made compulsory." + + * * * * * + +"Wherever else these matches strike, they won't strike on the box." + + * * * * * + +"I just turned over and went to sleep again." + + * * * * * + +"I wish the Government would tell _me_ what I could do for them." + + * * * * * + +"Oh, another three years." + + * * * * * + +"What puzzles me is--Where is the paper shortage?" + + * * * * * + +"We keep a gramophone in the basement now." + + * * * * * + +"No one is more willing than I am to do something." + + * * * * * + +"It's the children's festival--that's what I always say." + + * * * * * + +HERBS OF GRACE. + +IX. + +PENNYROYAL.--A CAROL. + + _"Far away in Sicily!"-- + A home-come sailor sang this rhyme, + Deep in an ingle, mug on knee, + At Christmas time._ + + In Sicily, as I was told, + The children take them Pennyroyal, + The same as lurks on hill and wold + In Cotsall soil. + + The Pennyroyal of grace divine + In little cradles they do weave-- + Little cradles therewith they line + On Christmas Eve. + + And there, as midnight bells awake + The Day of Birth, as they do tell, + All into bud the small plants break + With sweetest smell. + + All into bud that very hour; + And pure and clean, as they do say, + The Pennyroyal's full in flower + On Christmas Day. + + _Far away in Sicily!-- + Hark, the Christmas bells do chime! + So blossom love in thee and me + This Christmas time!_ + + W.B. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady_ (_to uniformed friend_). "I SHOULDN'T A BIT +MIND WEARING UNIFORM IF ONLY ONE COULD CHOOSE ONE'S OWN COLOURS AT +THE WAR OFFICE."] + + * * * * * + +THE V.C. + +My cousin Agatha has been a bad correspondent ever since she +married my old friend, George Thimblewell, which means for the past +five-and-twenty years, so in ordinary circumstances I do not expect +more from her than a "hasty line" to tell me how the youngsters are +doing (George, of course, never writes at all). But I must say I was +surprised and not a little hurt when, in the skimpy margin of a letter +dealing mainly with the difficulty of devising breakfast-dishes, she +scribbled in the most casual manner conceivable, "George has got the +V.C. at last." + +George, my dear old school-chum, with the V.C., and his wife tells me +of it as casually as if it had been a gumboil! I sat with her letter +before me and looked back through the years, seeing us two--George +and myself--as we were long before Agatha even knew him. Had I not +fostered the yearning for heroic deeds in his young bosom? Was it not +possible, nay probable, that the influence of his boyhood's companion +had helped to mould his character and prepare it for this glorious if +belated achievement? Upon my word it seemed to me that I myself might +well take a certain amount of credit for that decoration. And here +was his wife mentioning it as though she scarcely expected me to be +interested. Never a date, never a detail. + +I was so ruffled that I decided, since she vouchsafed no information, +to ask for none, as became a man with proper pride. I adopted a +semi-jocular vein to meet the case. + +"I have known your V.C. longer than you have, Agatha," I wrote, "and +am as pleased and proud as you can be. The strong silent type--you can +rely upon them. Quiet and domesticated, requiring little attention, +helpful about the house, undemonstrative perhaps, but all the time +ready for the most desperate emergency. Let me know when George is +to be at home, and I shall come to dinner and hear all about it." + +As I sealed my note it occurred to me that George must be the first +special constable to win the Cross, and I felt a glow of satisfaction +to realise that we must now be eligible for that most glorious of all +decorations. + +A few days later came another note from Agatha, about sugar-cards this +time, but with a postscript which said, "It isn't like you to chaff +me, James. I don't see that there is anything particularly funny about +George having got the Vacuum Cleaner which he promised me long ago." + + * * * * * + +BIG GAME. + + "General Allenby reports that Budrus and Sheikh Obeid Rahid, to + the north of Midieh, were captured by Gurkhas, 50 Tanks being + killed and 10 taken prisoners."--_Evening Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "Ruler wanted, experienced, male or female (male preferred); wages + according to ability; removal assistance; away from raid area; + permanency to suitable applicant."--_Eastern Daily Press_. + +This might suit the KAISER, when Sir DOUGLAS HAIG has provided the +necessary "removal assistance." + + * * * * * + + "WHERE EX-TSAR KEEPS HIS GLOOMY COURT. + + "Built mostly of wood, the Imperial family occupies a brick + mansion."--_News of the World_. + +We are intended to infer, presumably, that if the Imperial Family had +been constructed of stouter material it might still be in the Winter +Palace. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Motor Driver_. "NAH, THEN, WHERE'S YOUR REAR LIGHT?" + +_Countryman_. "NOW, THEN, YE OWD ZEPPERLEEN, DO YE THINK I'M GOING TO +SHOW YE WHERE I BE?"] + + * * * * * + +TO THE REGIMENT. + +A CHRISTMAS MESSAGE. + + So Christmas comes and finds you yet in Flanders, + And all is mud and messiness and sleet, + And men have temperatures and horses glanders, + And Brigadiers have trouble with their feet, + And life is bad for Company-Commanders, + And even Thomas's is not so sweet. + + Now cooks for kindlewood would give great riches, + And in the dixies the pale stew congeals, + And ration-parties are not free from hitches, + But all night circle like performing seals, + Till morning breaks and everybody pitches + Into a hole some other person's meals. + + Now regiments huddle over last week's ashes + And pray for coal and sedulously "rest," + Where rain and wind contemn the empty sashes, + And blue lips frame the faint heroic jest, + Till some near howitzer goes off and smashes + The only window that the town possessed. + + Yet somehow Christmas in your souls is stirring, + And Colonels now less viciously upbraid + Their Transport Officers, however erring, + And sudden signals issue from Brigade + To say next Tuesday Christmas is occurring, + And what arrangements have Battalions made? + + And then, maybe, while everyone discusses + On what rich foods their dear commands shall dine, + And (most efficiently) the Padre fusses + About the birds, the speeches and the wine-- + The Corps-Commander sends a fleet of 'buses + To whisk you off to Christmas in the line. + + You make no moan, nor hint at how you're faring, + And here in turn we try to hide our woe, + With taxis mutinous, and Tubes so wearing, + And who can tell where all the matches go? + And all our doors and windows want repairing, + But can we get a man to mend them? No. + + The dustman visits not; we can't get castor; + In vain are parlour-maids and plumbers sought, + And human intellect can scarcely master + The time when beer may lawfully be bought, + Or calculate how cash can go much faster, + And if one's butcher's acting as he ought. + + Our old indulgences are now not cricket; + Whate'er one does _some_ Minister will cuss; + In Tube and Tram young ladies punch one's ticket, + With whom one can't be cross or querulous; + All things are different, but still we stick it, + And humbly hope we help a little thus. + + So, Fellow-sufferers, we give you greeting-- + All luck, all laughter and an end of wars! + And just to strengthen you for Fritz's beating, + I'm sending out a parcel from the Stores; + _They mean to stop my annual over-eating, + But it will comfort me to think of yours._ + + A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +THE BANK'S MISTAKE. + +"I wish," said Francesca, "you would explain something to me." + +"I am full," I said, "of explanations of every conceivable difficulty. +You have only to tap me and an explanation will come bubbling out." + +"I am not sure that I want the bubbling sort. On the whole I think I +prefer the still waters that run deep." + +"Those too can be provided for you. All you have got to do is to ask." + +"What a comfort it is," she said, "to live constantly in the mild and +magnificent eye of an encyclopædia." + +"Yes," I said, "it saves a lot of running about, doesn't it? Come now, +fire off your question." + +"What is your opinion of the Bank of England?" + +"The Bank of England?" I gasped. "One doesn't have opinions of the +Bank of England. One just accepts it, you know, and there you are." + +"Yes," she said, "that's exactly what I felt about it. I thought it +was one of the signs of our superiority to everybody else, with its +crisp banknotes and all that." + +"You mustn't forget its detachment of the Guards to protect it. Many's +the good dinner I've had with the officer of the Bank Guard in the old +days." + +"I'm afraid that leaves me cold, not being able to take part in it." + +"If it gave me pleasure to dine at the Bank, I should have thought the +subject would have interested you." + +"Well, it wasn't exactly what I wanted to consult you about." + +"What was it then?" I said. "You know you mustn't cast doubts on the +financial stability of the Bank. You'll be put in prison if you do." + +"I shouldn't dream of doing anything of the sort." + +"Come, then, be quick about it. This suspense is making me tremble for +my War Loan Bonds." + +"Is the Bank," said Francesca, "a generous institution?" + +"Banks," I said, "cannot afford to be generous. They are just and +accurate and there's an end of it." + +"The Bank of England," she said, "being so great, is an exception to +the rule. Anyhow, it has been generous to me, for it has given me one +hundred pounds." + +"Do you mean," I cried, "one hundred pounds that don't belong to you?" + +"Of course I do. If they had belonged to me there wouldn't have been +anything to make a fuss about." + +"This," I said, "is one of the most breathless things ever known. +A mere woman, who is unskilled in finance and has only the dimmest +recollection of the rule of three and compound interest, gets the +better of the greatest banking institution in the world to the tune of +one hundred pounds. It's incredible. Of course you've made a mistake." + +"That's right," she said. "Always go against your wife and think her +wrong, even when it is only an institution that she's contending +with." + +"It's precisely because it is an institution that I doubt your +statement." + +"You're not very helpful; you don't tell me whether I'm to sit down +under the burden of owning one hundred pounds of the bank's money that +doesn't belong to me." + +"Francesca," I said, "you must calm yourself and tell me as clearly +as possible how you came into possession of this extra hundred pounds +which is apparently burning a hole in your pocket--if indeed you have +a pocket, which I doubt." + +"You're quite wrong; I've got two pockets in the dress I'm wearing at +this moment." + +"I will not," I said, "discuss with you the number of your pockets. +Now tell me your pathetic story. I am all ears." + +"Well," said Francesca, "it's this way. I put one hundred pounds in +the old War Loan, and then Exchequer Bonds came along, and I put one +hundred pounds of my very best savings into them, and then came the +new Five per Cent. War Loan, and somehow or other I got converted into +that. And after that there was what they called a broken amount, which +I brought up to fifty pounds or a multiple of fifty pounds. That cost +me about forty pounds. I don't know why they wanted me to do it or why +I did it." + +"Probably they thought it would be easier for the Bank." + +"That's paltry; easiness ought to have nothing to do with it." + +"Anyhow," I said, "I make out from your statement that you ought to +have two hundred and fifty pounds of Five per Cent. Stock to your +credit." + +"Precisely," said Francesca impressively, "but yesterday morning I +received from the bank a dividend thing--" + +"You may call it a warrant," I said. + +"A dividend warrant," continued Francesca, "for eight pounds fifteen +shillings on _three_ hundred and fifty pounds, so what have you got to +say now for your precious Bank of England?" + +"Your tale," I said, "has interested me strangely, but there is one +point you omitted to mention." + +"I am innocent, my Lord," said Francesca. "I have told you the truth." + +"But not the whole truth, prisoner at the bar. Don't you remember that +when the new Loan came out you borrowed money from me in order to take +up one hundred pounds of it?" + +"Is _that_ it?" said Francesca. "No, I hadn't remembered that." + +"Of course," I said, "a financial magnate like yourself would easily +forget so wretched a sum; but the Bank has done no wrong." + +"Yes, it has; it sent out a lot of papers that were very confusing, +and it's no wonder I made a mistake." + +"The question in my mind," I said, "is this: when are you going to +repay what you owe me--with interest?" + +"We'll talk about that another time," said Francesca. + +R.C.L. + + * * * * * + +FOR OUR SAILORS AND SOLDIERS. + +The Veterans Association is giving a Special Entertainment at the +Alhambra on Sunday afternoon, December 30th, on behalf of their +Imperial Memorial Fund which is being raised to expand the Veterans +Club into an adequate Institution for the comfort of ex-sailors +and ex-soldiers, and to provide an Imperial Memorial for those who +have given their lives in the War. The Veterans Club in Hand Court, +Holborn, has already done a great work during the six or seven years +of its existence in looking after sailors and soldiers. Free medical +and legal advice is given, and the homes of the men are protected +by the storing of their furniture while they are on active service. +Employment is also found for soldiers and sailors whose service is +done. For the Entertainment at the Alhambra on the 30th, the following +artistes, among others, have generously volunteered their services: +Miss VIOLET LORAINE, Miss PHYLLIS MONCKMAN, Miss WISH WYNNE, Miss ESMÉ +BERINGER, Messrs. LAURI DE FRECE, MARK LESTER, HERBERT GROVER and +GEORGE ROBEY. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER SEX PROBLEM. + + "Henry III. was Queen Mary's brother-in-law, she having been + for a short time the husband of his predecessor, Francis + II."--_The Sphere._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SPREAD OF THE QUEUE HABIT.] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +One of the most interesting features, to an English observer, in the +impressive spectacle of America girding herself for war is the sight +of our great Ally passing through all those phases of initiation that +to us are now remote memories. Such a phase is the coming of the +first war-books, exemplified for me by the appearance of _From the +Fire Step_ (PUTNAMS). As his sub-title indicates--_Experiences of an +American Soldier in the British Army_--the writer, Mr. ARTHUR GUY +EMPEY, has proved himself something of a pioneer. In a singularly +vivacious opening chapter he tells how, after waiting with decreasing +expectation during the months that followed the _Lusitania_ crime, he +decided to be a law unto himself, and came alone to offer his personal +service in the cause of freedom. You will hardly read unmoved (by +laughter as much as by sympathy) his story of how this offer was at +first refused, then accepted. Throughout indeed you must prepare to +find Mr. EMPEY an entirely independent, though generous, critic of +our men and methods; it is precisely this attitude that gives his +book its chief interest as a survey of all-too-familiar things from +a refreshingly new angle. I hardly suppose there will be anything in +the actual matter, from church parade to gas-attacks, which readers +on this side will not by now have seen or heard about, times beyond +number; but one can imagine sympathetically with what concern it +will all be received in the homes oversea; and after turning its +high-spirited and encouraging pages can warmly echo the admonition of +their writer: "Pacifists and small-army people please read with care!" + + * * * * * + +Since there is probably no writer who can approach Mrs. FLORA ANNIE +STEEL in the art of telling Indian tales about Indian people, one is +specially happy to find her in _Mistress of Men_ (HEINEMANN) with +her foot once more upon her special terrain. Not for the first time, +I think, she has gone to the records of the House of AKBAR for her +material; the result here is hardly to be called a novel so much as +amplified history, since it is really the life story of an actual +(and wonderful) woman, NURJAHÂN THE BEAUTIFUL, wife of the Emperor +JAHÂNGIR. Naturally the writer has experienced not only the great +advantages but the hazards of such a building upon fact. To explain +the marriage of your heroine with the Imperial lover by whose orders +her first husband was killed, and not to lessen sympathy for her in +the process, is a problem to test the skill of any novelist. One sees, +however, even without Mrs. STEEL'S own declaration, that it has been +for her a grateful task to set down "a record of the most perfect +passion ever shown by man for woman." This was the adoration of the +EMPEROR for his consort, an amazing romance of Oriental domesticity, +which makes the story of the pair stranger and more fascinating than +fiction. A love-tale indeed; and, since 'tis love that makes a book +go round, one may trust the circulating libraries to see to it that +_Mistress of Men_ is well represented on their shelves. As a study +of an alluring, dazzling and masterful personality it was well worth +writing. + + * * * * * + +There is a sad interest in the title-page of _Irish Memories_ +(LONGMANS), since only by a pathetic fiction does it bear the names, +as joint authors, of E. OE. SOMERVILLE and "MARTIN ROSS," those two +gifted ladies whose association has been such a happy chance for +them and for us all. Really the book, though in part compiled from +the letters and journals of "MARTIN," is an eloquent tribute by Miss +SOMERVILLE to the partner whose death has robbed her of a friend and +the world of so much kindly laughter. But, haunted as it is by this +shadow of bereavement, you must in no way think of it as wholly a +thing of gloom. Looking back into the good years, the writer has +recalled many incidents and scenes full of that genial and most +infectious merriment that we have learnt to expect from her--tales of +the wonderful peasant chorus that one remembers first in the pages of +_An Irish R.M._, exploits after hounds (it needs no telling how well +both authors loved them), and much besides. There will be interest +also for many uninitiated admirers in the account here given of how +the famous stories came first into being. Of its more intimate and +personal side I hesitate to speak; those who loved "MARTIN ROSS," +either through her writings or in the closer relationship of friend, +must be glad that her _ave atque vale_ has been spoken, as she would +have wished it, by her whose right it was. It will send many to +read again those delightful volumes with a new appreciation of the +sympathetic and lovable personality that helped in their making. + + * * * * * + +I am afraid that something of the charm which, in a sympathetic +preface, M. HENRI BORDEAUX claims for _A Crusader in France_ (MELROSE) +is veiled by a rather faltering translation. I would counsel all +who appreciate the exquisitely sensitive _Récit d'une Soeur_, with +which he not unfavourably compares it, to go rather to the French +original of these letters of a young captain of the famous Chasseurs +Alpins. Captain FREDERIC BELMONT fell near the stubbornly-contested +Hartmannsweilerkopf in 1916. He was the third of his family to give +his life for France. The letters reveal a character that hardships +and dangers not only strengthened but refined. He writes with a noble +French ardour of his country in the crisis of her fate. He dreads, but +rises greatly to the height of, his heavy responsibility as Captain at +the age of twenty-one. The coveted cross of the Legion of Honour comes +to him before the end, and he wins the affection and confidence of his +men--a soldier's highest prize. A deep religious conviction unclouded +by superstition sustains his courage. He is a product of the French +Catholic tradition at its best. He writes intelligently of his work, +and with a greater freedom as to detail than our more exigeant +censorship allows; so that you get an excellent picture of the daily +life of a campaigner in the greatest of all wars. He met the English +in Flanders, admired and liked their looks and ways.... A very +charming record of a gallant soldier, a chosen soul. + + * * * * * + +In the first few pages of _At the Serbian Front in Macedonia_ (LANE), +Mr. E.P. STEBBING tells so many little anecdotes that I began to +wonder if he was ever going to get there. When, however, he has +got into his stride, he gives us information which is all the more +valuable because we hear so little of the Macedonian campaign. Mr. +STEBBING was appointed Transport Officer to a unit of the Scottish +Women's Hospitals that was sent to the Serbian Front. Naturally he has +much to say of the work done by these brave and untiring women. Under +exceptionally difficult circumstances their courage never failed, +and it is good to remember that their arrival at Ostrovo was of the +greatest possible service to the Serbs. That is one part of the book, +and it is well told. The other is of actual war, and here Mr. STEBBING +was given ample opportunities to observe. No one can read his account +of the taking of Kajmaktcalan without feeling the keenest admiration +for the gallantry of the Serbs. He also describes very graphically the +frontal attack by the French upon the Kenali lines in October, 1916. +The British public is too apt to look upon the Macedonian campaign +as a prolonged picnic, and for them a dose of Mr. STEBBING would be +excellent medicine. I wish someone with our own troops would do as +sound a service for them as is done here for the Serbs and French. +But let him avoid anecdotes. + + * * * * * + +I am a little puzzled about _A Bolt from the East_ (METHUEN). The +publishers, who surely should know, call it "A modern and up-to-date +romance, which deals mystically but boldly with the greatest and most +pertinent of all questions--'Is Life Worth Living?'" But for my own +part the greatest and most pertinent question suggested by Mr. G.F. +TURNER'S up-to-date romance was whether it could possibly have been +intended as serious. I despair of giving you any adequate idea of its +contents. There are lots and lots of characters, and, as several of +them seem to own more than one personality, it is often more than a +little hard to say who is what. The central figure is an Indian Prince +of marvellous beauty and mysterious powers, who, being jilted by the +girl of his heart, wishes to be revenged upon the human race. To this +end he employs the activities of a German Professor, who produces what +one might call a _Kultur_ of the sterility germ. However, these cheery +projects go astray, though in precisely what manner I have no very +clear idea. But the end came at a gathering where the _Prince_ played +psychic music, and a chance union of hands between hero and heroine +transmuted the former from "a dilettante" and "polished ladies' man" +to "a virile male filled with the blasting vehemence of primary +passions." Incidentally it proved altogether too much both for the +_Professor_ and his inoculated rabbits, all of whom expired on the +spot. Just about here that most pertinent question became more acute +than ever. Fortunately it was the last page but one of the story. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Visitor_. "I HEAR YOUR BOY IS IN PALESTINE. HOW +INTERESTING IT MUST BE FOR HIM TO MOVE AMONG THOSE SCENES WHERE EVERY +SPOT BEINGS UP SOME RECOLLECTION OF THE WONDERFUL EVENTS OF BIBLICAL +HISTORY!" + +_The Mother_. "TED DON'T SAY MUCH ABOUT THAT IN 'IS LETTERS. 'E SEEMS +TO THINK THE COUNTRY IS SUFFERIN' FROM A FLY-PAPER SHORTAGE."] + + * * * * * + "Senhor Rodrique Bettencourt will be Premier, and Senhor + Adinterin, President of the Republic."--_Dublin Daily Express_. + +But is nothing to be done for Senhors Defacto and Dejure? + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11466 *** |