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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:37:00 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:37:00 -0700 |
| commit | a3855b92661a86d7f0dce9becd480ce8249a6b68 (patch) | |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/11466-0.txt b/11466-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..207e034 --- /dev/null +++ b/11466-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1682 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11466 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11466-h.htm or 11466-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/6/11466/11466-h/11466-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/6/11466/11466-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 153 + +DECEMBER 19, 1917 + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +GENERAL ALLENBY having announced that all the holy places in Jerusalem +will be protected, the KAISER is about to issue a manifesto to his +Turkish subjects, pointing out that so much time has elapsed since he +was there in 1898 that the place can no longer be considered as holy +as it was. + + *** + +It is now stated that the leader of the Sinn Feiners is an American +citizen. It is hardly likely, however, in view of the friendly +relations prevailing between ourselves and the United States, that +the point will be pressed. + + *** + +Another lengthy pamphlet on the subject of cheese has been issued by +the FOOD-CONTROLLER. The Department now claims that there is no excuse +for even the simplest grocer failing to recognise a cheese when he +sees it. + + *** + +A painful story comes from the North of England. It appears that a man +left his home saying that he would obtain a pound of Devonshire butter +or die. He was only thirty-four years of age. + + *** + +A leaflet containing President WILSON'S recent speech to Congress +has been passed by the CENSOR, who, however, does not wish it to be +understood that he could not have improved on it if he had cared to. + + *** + +A grave state of affairs is reported by a New York paper. It appears +that America will shortly ask Mexico to make revolutions a criminal +offence. They'll be stopping baseball next. + + *** + +A question put by Mr. FIELD in the House of Commons suggested that +M.P.s should travel on railways free of charge. The chief objection +seems to be that they would be sure to want return tickets. + + *** + +A domestic servant points out in a contemporary that she has worked +from seven in the morning until ten o'clock at night for six months +without a break. Another domestic who holds the smash-as-smash-can +record wonders where this poor girl learnt her business. + + *** + +Discussing the London taxi strike a contemporary remarks that both +sides ought to meet. Failing that, we think that at least one side +might meet. + + *** + +Writing to _The Evening News_ a Maidstone gentleman protested against +the action of the authorities who covered up the Tank in Trafalgar +Square on Sundays. On the first Sunday it seems that somebody tripped +over it. + + *** + +There appears to be an epidemic of trouble in the animal world. +An elephant at the Zoo has just died, while only a few days ago +a travelling crane collapsed at Glasgow. + + *** + +Burglars who looted an Oxford Street shop last week obtained admission +by making a hole through a brick wall. It is supposed the shop door +was closed. + + *** + +Surely it is only hindering matters for people to keep writing to the +Press on the matter of the appointment of a Minister of Health. It +seems to be overlooked that so far _The Daily Mail_ has not indicated +who should be appointed to that position. + + *** + +The Government having reaffirmed their statement that they have "no +further fear of submarines," it is felt to be high time that someone +in authority should break it to the U-boats that they might as well +give it up and go home. + + *** + +The gentleman who wrote to the Press offering to sell eggs at _4s. +7d._ a dozen has since explained that he merely wanted to show how +much higher the market price is than his would have been if he had +really had any eggs to sell. + + *** + +We understand that it has not yet been decided in Berlin what the +Sultan of TURKEY thinks of the capture of Jerusalem. + + *** + +Four letters of QUEEN ELIZABETH have just been sold by auction. +Strangely enough, nothing is said in them about her having no quarrel +with the Spanish people, but only with their Monarch. + + *** + +"Is the potato the saviour of the Fatherland?" asks the _Deutsche +Tageszeitung_. Another slight to the ALL-HIGHEST. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Both together_. "NOW, MY MAN, WHY DON'T YOU SALUTE +WHEN YOU PASS AN OFFICER?"] + + * * * * * + +From a review of Lord LISTER'S "Life":-- + + "It was in Edinburgh that he struck his most famous patient, + Henley, who has a record of the 'Chief' in his rhymes and + rhythms, 'In Hospital.'"--_Daily Paper_. + +But it was not in reference to this incident that HENLEY wrote, "My +head is bloody but unbowed." + + * * * * * + + "If all fools were rationed there could be no fixed + scale."--_Star_. + +Of course not; we have always noticed that the bigger the fool the +more he eats. + + * * * * * + + "Bassano is a nice town, by a dam site."--_Canadian Paper_. + +But a Canadian friend tells us there are others "a dam sight nicer." + + * * * * * + + "The German government has a terrific explosive, which is being + held in reserve to the last.... It is said that a bomb weighing + scarcely ten kilometres can annihilate everything within a radius + of two thousand feet."--_New York Herald_. + +We do not mind saying that we are frankly afraid of a bomb that weighs +about six miles. + + * * * * * + + "TIPPERARY BURGLARY.--Tipperary Temperance Club premises have been + gurgled."--_Cork Examiner_. + +GILBERT'S burglar up-to-date: "He loves to hear the Temperance Club +a-gurgling." + + * * * * * + + "General Allenby, no doubt, will go in due time to the House of + Lords, and military men are taking a jocular interest in his + selection of a title. Lord Bathsheba might serve, or Lord Hebron. + Lord Jerusalem smacks of the jocose."--_Birmingham Daily Post_. + +For our part we thought "Lord Bathsheba" rather funny too. + + * * * * * + +AN HISTORICAL CURIOSITY. + + "At Blenheim is a small glass-topped table, which contains the + sword of the great Duke of Marlborough, also a letter addressed by + him to Sarah Duchess from the field of Waterloo."--_The Queen_. + + * * * * * + +OUR PACIFISTS. + + Far as my humble daily round extends, + There's none but longs to see us lay the foe low; + I cannot trace upon my list of friends + A solitary instance of a Bolo; + So that I've sometimes nursed a doubt + Whether there are such lots of them about. + + But now, when that _Gazette_ in which I read + (To learn its views on any given matter + And so avoid 'em) hints that no such breed + Exists among us, save in idle chatter, + I am convinced the country reeks + With these unnatural and noisome freaks. + + Only the worst are out for German pay; + Some claim ideals on the loftiest level; + Peace (and a fig for Honour) is their lay-- + Peace and the Brotherhood of man and devil; + They love all sorts beneath the sun-- + Even an Englishman; but best a Hun. + + They save the choicest of their tears to shed + For those who break all laws divine and human; + They'd bid the dead past cover up its dead, + Forgetful of our murdered, child and woman; + Forgetful of our drowned who sleep + Without a grave beneath the wandering deep. + + I know not how or when this War will close, + But this I know: unless my brain goes rotten, + Never will I clasp hand with hand of those, + False to their blood, who'd have these things forgotten, + Who want a peace untimely made + Before the uttermost account is paid. + + Thirty years on, when weak with age, I might + Possibly talk to some repentant Teuton; + But, while I still can tell a knave at sight + And have enough of strength to keep a boot on, + Only in one way will I get + In touch with samples of the Bolo Set. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE CADET'S FRIEND. + +MISUNDERSTOOD.--You were in the wrong. The custom of throwing +chicken-bones over the right shoulder is practised only in the mess of +the 13th Bavarian Landsturm Regiment. Still, considering that you had +only joined that day, we think your colonel acted hastily. + +AS YOU WERE (and several other Correspondents).--The executive order +for the new combined movement of "About turn and left incline" is +given when the joint of the left big toe is opposite the right instep +(in Rifle regiments substitute right for left and left for right). + +SUBALTERN.--Your company commander is without authority for reproving +you for shaving off your moustache. All the same, judging by the +photograph you enclose, we think you would be wise to keep as much of +your face covered as possible. + +FIELD-MARSHAL'S BATON.--No, you are mistaken in supposing that a +private soldier under close arrest may spend two hours daily in the +regimental canteen. The only stimulant allowed him is one glass (2 +oz., Mark IV.) of port daily with the orderly officer when the latter +inspects the guardroom. + +SUFFERER.--(1) No, White Star gas is never employed by army dentists. +(2) No, you need not take your respirator with you. You hire the +anæsthetist's at a small charge. + +PINK RATS.--You assume that if you were appointed a mopper-up you +would _ex-officio_ be put in charge of the rum-ration. This is not the +case. The function of moppers-up is to collect souvenirs for the new +Great War Museum, to be housed in one of the four remaining London +hotels. + +OBSERVER.--German minnenwerfer are not dangerous if their flight is +carefully watched, as they swerve to the left, and their landing-place +can thus be fairly accurately judged. Two varieties, however--the +windupwerfer and the hoppitwerfer--swerve to the right. The +googliwerfer swerves both ways. + +SOCIABLE.--The correct method of dealing with snipers in a house is to +ring the front-door bell with the thumb and forefinger of the right +hand, at the same time smartly inserting a charge of cordite into the +letter-box with the left. Indents for postmen's uniforms for this +purpose should be rendered to D.A.D.O.S. in triplicate. + +STATISTICIAN.--The world's record is held by the adjutant of the +pioneer battalion of the 371st Silesian Foot Regiment. There is +unimpeachable evidence to prove that he was heard drinking gravy soup +from a distance of 477 metres. The night was calm. + + * * * * * + +IF THE PAPER SHORTAGE INCREASES. + +(_SOME FUTURE PRESS ITEMS._) + +FICTION FAMINE IN THE PROVINCES. + +From many districts come reports of great difficulty in obtaining +novels. Yesterday in a well-known Midland town the unusual sight +was observed of long queues outside the chief booksellers'. Several +libraries displayed notices bearing the words, "No GARVICE to-day"; +and quite early in the afternoon best quality BENSONS were practically +unobtainable, even by regular customers. + +FIRST CONDITIONAL SALE PROSECUTION. + +Much interest has been roused in East Anglia over the fine of one +hundred pounds inflicted by the Bench upon a local bookseller, found +guilty of the Conditional Sale of Fiction. The chief witness, a +retired stockbroker, proved that defendant refused to supply his +order for a shilling's worth of O. HENRY unless he also purchased +a remainder copy of _Wanderings Round Widnes_ (published at +twelve-and-six net). The Chairman, remarking that the case was a +specially flagrant one, expressed a hope that the result would +protect the public from such imposition in future. + +VALUABLE DISCOVERY. + +In view of the serious shortage in reliable fiction, nothing less +than a sensation is likely to result from the reported discovery of an +entirely satisfactory BARCLAY substitute in tabloid form. Should the +tidings prove well authenticated, the patrons of circulating libraries +will have good reason for satisfaction. The new preparation is said to +be even sweeter than the original article, and equally sustaining. + +FICTION CARDS COMING. + +On inquiry at the Albert Hall (recently taken over as offices by the +Literature Control Committee), our representative was emphatically +assured that, should the system of voluntary romance-rationing prove +unsatisfactory, some form of compulsion will become inevitable. It was +pointed out that the indicated maximum of one novel or magazine per +head weekly is amply sufficient for all reasonable requirements. The +attention of the public is further called to the need of making the +fullest and most economical use of the allowance, and not wasting +the advertisement pages, which contain much readable and stimulating +matter, the patent medicine paragraphs especially being rich in the +finest imaginative fiction. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEED OF MEN. + +MR. PUNCH (_to the Comber-out_). "MORE POWER TO YOUR ELBOW, SIR. BUT +WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO FILL UP THAT SILLY GAP?" + +SIR AUCKLAND GEDDES. "HUSH! HUSH! WE'RE WAITING FOR THE MILLENNIUM."] + + * * * * * + +"CHOCKCHAW;" + +OR, BIG-WIGS AT PLAY. + +Somebody in the Old Country discovered, with the aid of a hint or +two, that the tooth (exact molar not specified) of the General Staff +Officer 3 was sweet. As a natural result a certain famous firm of +confectioners was indented upon heavily. Day in, day out, perspiring +orderlies arrived festooned with parcels containing all kinds of +wonderful things crammed with all sorts of wonderful surprises. Life +in the General Staff Office resolved itself into four meals a day +between sweetmeats. The whole routine underwent a complete change. +Everyone who visited the place made, as a matter of course, a bee +line for the General Staff Canteen cupboard, and while searching for +the particular dainty he fancied broached the subject of his visit in +general terms. He then turned to the officer he was addressing and +politely offered him the kind of delicacy he thought would blend best +with the matter in hand. + +And then Chockchaw arrived. It began by letting the G.S.O.3 down +badly the first day. All unsuspicious of its properties he rang up a +Division, popped a piece into his mouth and waited. In due time the +call came through, but no word could he utter. "Chockchaw lockjaw" had +set in. Only a horrible sound like the squelching of ten gum-boots in +the mud reached the indignant Staff at the other end. After a minute's +monologue they rang off in disgust. + +Yet in spite of all difficulties the vogue of Chockchaw swept through +the Corps. It is such a ripe, rich, full-flavoured irresistible +concoction. Disadvantages there are, of course, but, on the other +hand, if you want to be quiet, it is easy to lure the unsuspecting +intruder on to Chockchaw and leave it at that. After vain efforts the +poor fellow usually creeps away like a cat with too big a bone and +chews himself back to speech round the corner. He seldom returns, and +if he does--there is always more Chockchaw. Should he refuse it this +time you can take a piece yourself and save the trouble of answering, +anyway. + +Chockchaw entailed more perilous chances than at first appeared +probable. Indeed at one time it looked like seriously impeding the +course of final victory. + +On a certain brown November day the G.S.O.2 suddenly jumped up from +his chair, ran to the Canteen cupboard, popped a piece of Chockchaw +into his mouth (because he had a difficult March Table to make out and +needed sustenance) and fell to work whistling like an ordinary human +being (who cannot whistle). I.O. (not the gadfly, but the Intelligence +Officer) dropped in with his usual list of suspected hostile +emplacements. He took Chockchaw in case he was asked pertinent +questions. He has to be _so_ careful what he gives away unofficially. +He knows so _much_. Germans try to steal his summaries to find out +what their own intentions really are. The A.D.C. dropped in for his +usual morning chat and Chockchaw. The Staff Officer R.A. (S.O.R.A.), +that inveterate sweet-guzzler, also dropped in. + +"Hullo, what are you fellows munching?" asked the General, coming in +muddied all over. "Give me a bit; I've had no breakfast. What's the +news, Intelligence?" (No answer) "Is that Move Order done, by the +way?" (No answer.) "Why, what the--Good Lord, I'm _stuck_! What +stuff is this you've given me?" And there they all stood chumping in +silence. + +The telephone rang. The absurdity of a dumb Staff tickled everybody. +They winked their appreciation of the situation at one another. Not to +be able to say "Thank you" on being instructed "with reference to my +telegram of to-day for L/Cpl. Plunkett read L/Cpl. Plonkett," appealed +to them. Amidst the chuckles and gluggels of all, the G.S.O.3 was +obliged to lift the receiver. Something of the seriousness of the +occasion must have communicated itself to the others, for they crowded +round him, mumbling and munching sympathetically. Speechless, the +poor fellow wrote hastily on a buff slip of paper a Name, and passed +it round. It was the name of an Excessively Resplendent One, whose +lightest word results in headlines in the less expensive daily press. + +A frightful panic came over all. What--a General Staff ceasing to +function even for a minute? It was unthinkable. The news would +be flashed through to all concerned and become the subject of +conversation in ten thousand messes that evening. It must not be. +Never was there such a kneading and gnashing of teeth. But to no +purpose. You cannot hurry Chockchaw; time, and time alone, will defeat +it. The General tried to pack it all into one cheek. Useless; to +attempt to sculpture in seccotine would have been a simpler task. The +G.S.O.2 tried a frontal swallow, but only lined his throat more and +more thickly until respiration became difficult. The S.O.R.A. nearly +swallowed his tongue. The A.D.C., having cricked his jaw in the first +five seconds, counted ten and threw up the sponge. The voice at the +telephone became louder and more insistent. Flushed, hot and flurried, +the G.S.O.3 thrust the receiver into the hands of the G.S.O.2, who +handed it on to the General, who dropped it. Nobody spoke. Only the +crackling and cackling voice could be heard from the receiver as it +hung face downwards at the end of its cord. + +It was a moment demanding imagination. Naturally the Intelligence +Officer felt the responsibility. He stepped forward, slapped the +mouthpiece three times with the palm of his hand, rang off, rang on +and slapped it again. The effect at the other end must have been +horrible, but it achieved its purpose. By the time connection had been +restored and the blood of the Signal Master demanded, the A.D.C. had +cheated with a handkerchief and was able to gasp out that the Corps +Commander would enjoy seeing the Resplendent One any time that day. + +Thus the honour of the General Staff was saved, the Intelligence +Officer vindicated and the vogue of Chockchaw brought to an untimely +end. + +"You ought," said the General severely to the G.S.O.3--"you ought to +be unstuck for bringing such stuff into the office." + +"I have never wished so hard in my life, Sir, to be unstuck," said he. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN THE TOWER DISTRICT. + +"SAY, GUV'NOR, YER MIGHT RESERVE A COUPLE OF FIRST-CLASS DUNGEONS FOR +ME AN' MY FRIENDS ON THE NEXT RAID NIGHT."] + + * * * * * + +THE SUPERIOR SEX. + +"You are late again," said Clara, as I entered our domestic portal. +"What is it this time?" + +Gently but firmly I explained the reason. A certain amount of tact was +necessary, for my wife does not care for any remarks that appear to +reflect upon her sex. + +"Owing to the present abnormal state of things, my dear," I said, "our +office is now almost entirely staffed by women. In many ways this is +an improvement. Their refining influence upon the dress and deportment +of the few remaining male members of the staff is distinctly +noticeable. But there are, I regret to say, certain drawbacks. +Admittedly our superiors in many respects, in others they are not, +I am afraid, equal to the situation. Take, for instance, matters of +detail where you--I mean they--should excel. I asked Miss Philpott to +write a letter--" + +"Did you post that letter for me this morning?" said Clara. "If Mrs. +Roberts doesn't get it she won't know where to meet me to-morrow." + +It is a woman's privilege to wander from the point at issue. I +told Clara somewhat shortly that I had posted the letter, although +naturally I did not remember doing so. A man who has hundreds of petty +details to deal with every day, as I have, develops an automatic +memory--a subconscious mechanism which never fails him. + +I explained this to Clara. "Not once in five thousand times would it +allow me to pass the pillar-box with an unposted letter in my pocket. +Perhaps it is the vivid red--" + +"And perhaps your vivid imagination," said my wife. "Well, I am glad +you posted the letter, for Mrs. Roberts, as you know, never received +the one you posted ten days ago." + +"I took that matter up very firmly with the local postmaster," I said. +"He explained to me that letters are now almost entirely sorted and +delivered by women, and he was afraid mistakes sometimes happened. +And just to satisfy you about this last one, which I put as usual in +my breast pocket at the back of my other papers--" I produced the +contents of my pocket. As I expected the letter was not there. + +"Why do you carry so many papers in your pocket? What are they all +about?" + +"Candidly, my dear, I do not know. Without the element of surprise +life would be unbearably monotonous. That element I deliberately +carry with me in my breast pocket. When a dull moment comes I empty +my pockets. It would surprise you--" + +"Nothing you do surprises me," said Clara. "Now go upstairs, please, +and make yourself tidy. Have a dull moment--not more than one, for +dinner is nearly ready--and get rid of those papers." + +Although my wife has not a logical process of thought, at times she +makes sensible remarks. I took her advice. As I anticipated I had some +surprises. + +A few important business memoranda, a sugar form, two income tax +demands, a number of private letters and an unpaid coal account made +up the collection. There was really nothing I could part with. Luckily +I found two duplicates of the coal account. These I could spare. As I +opened one of them Mrs. Roberts's letter fell out of it. + +I had just time to catch the post. I managed to reach the front-door +unobserved. My wife opened the dining-room window to tell me that +dinner was ready. I told her I had forgotten to post a very important +business letter. + +"A most unusual occurrence," I said. + +"Mary can post it for you. Dinner's on the table." Clara extended her +hand for the letter. I explained that it was so very important that I +could not even trust Mary. + +"Mary's sex is, of course, against her," said my wife, "but I'll tell +her to hold the letter out at arm's length. You can see her all the +way from the window and watch her put it in the pillar-box." + +A little candour is sometimes necessary. + +"Strangely enough," I said, "the five-thousandth chance has come off. +It is true the letter is important, but the business is yours, and +the letter is addressed to Mrs. Roberts. I forgot to post it this +morning." + +"I know you did," said Clara. "You left it behind, and I posted it +myself." + +Here I saw that I was going to score. "Then what is this?" I asked +in triumph. + +"This," said Clara, taking it from me, "is the letter you forgot to +post ten days ago." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mrs. Judkins_ (_beating up against the draught in the +Tube_). "THANK GOODNESS WE SHAN'T 'AVE NO AIR-RAID TO-NIGHT, MRS. +'ARRIS. IT SEEMS TO BE BLOWIN' UP NICELY FOR RAIN."] + + * * * * * + +TO "MARTIN ROSS." + +(_AFTER READING "IRISH MEMORIES."_) + + Two Irish cousins greet us here + From BUSHE "the silver-tongued" descended, + Whose lives for close on thirty year + Were indistinguishably blended; + Scorning the rule that holds for cooks, + They pooled their brains and joined their forces, + And wrote a dozen gorgeous books + On men and women, hounds and horses. + + They superseded _Handley Cross_; + They glorified the "hunting fever;" + They purged their pages of the dross, + While bettering the fun, of LEVER; + With many a priceless turn of phrase + They stirred us to Homeric laughter, + When painting Ireland in the days + Before Sinn Fein bewitched and "strafed" her. + + With them we watched good _Major Yeates_ + Contending with litigious peasants, + With "hidden hands" within his gates, + With claims for foxes and for pheasants; + We saw _Leigh Kelway_ drop his chin-- + That precious English super-tripper-- + In shocked amazement drinking in + The lurid narrative of _Slipper_. + + _Philippa's_ piercing peacock squeals, + Uttered in moments of expansion; + The grime and splendour of the meals + Of _Mrs. Knox_ and of her mansion; + The secrets of horse-coping lore, + The loves of _Sally_ and of _Flurry_-- + All these delights and hundreds more + Are not forgotten in a hurry. + + Yet the same genial pens that freight + Our memories with joyous magic + Gave us the tale of _Francie's_ fate-- + So vulgar, lovable and tragic; + Just to the land that gave them birth + They showed her smiling, sad and sullen, + And turning from the paths of mirth + Probed the dark soul of _Charlotte Mullen_. + + Alas! the tie, so close, so dear, + Two years ago death rent asunder; + Hushed is the voice so gay and clear + Which moved us once to joy and wonder; + Yet, though they chronicle a loss + Whose pang no lapse of time assuages, + The spirit of brave "MARTIN ROSS" + Shines like a star throughout these pages. + + Here in her letters may one trace + The generous scorn, the gentle pity, + The easy unaffected grace, + The wisdom that was always witty; + Here, mirrored in a sister soul, + One sees the comrade, strong yet tender, + Who marched unfaltering to her goal + Through sacrifice and self-surrender. + + * * * * * + +THE FOOD OF THE FAMOUS. + +The publication of Lord RHONDDA'S daily menu will, we hope, lead +other prominent people who are striving to follow his good example +to divulge the details of their dietary. But in case their natural +modesty may prevent them from doing so, Mr. Punch ventures to supply +a few unauthorised particulars. + +The source of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S boundless energy has long been +a mystery. It is now known to be derived from a raw leek eaten +on rising, and a dinner of Welsh rabbit, made from a modicum of +Government cheese and half a slice of war bread. + +With Mr. BONAR LAW all meals are oatmeals. A plate of porridge at +daybreak, bannocks slightly margarined, when possible, for lunch, +and a stiff cup of gruel just after Question time keep him alert and +smiling. + +Thanks to the Spartan habits formed during his connection with both +services, belt-tightening has no terrors for Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL. A +quid of Navy tobacco suffices for breakfast, and his only other meal +consists of a slice of bully beef with a hard biscuit served on an +inverted packing-case. + +The wild rumours recently current as to the amount of nutriment +required for the upkeep of Mr. G.K. CHESTERTON have now been happily +set at rest. The needful calories for twenty-four hours of his +strenuous existence are supplied by two cups of cocoa, a shred of +dried toast, a Brazil nut, a glass of sodawater and a grilled banana. + + * * * * * + + "In one case the good cows from one herd had an average + production of 9,592 lbs. milk, and 406 lbs. of fat, while + the poor cows had a production of only 3,098 lbs. of milk + and 119 lbs. of tea."--_Farming News_. + +Give us the poor cows every time. + + * * * * * + +From a Church paper:-- + + "'EARLY CHRISTIANS.' I am sorry you cannot get these from + the Army and Navy Stores." + +It sounds like the old tiger story. + + * * * * * + + "A certain company commander, looking out of his quarters, saw + several Germans in possession of a dump not far away. Although + still in his sleeping clothes, he seized his trench tick + and rushed towards them. Why they did not fire upon him is + one of those little mysteries which will probably never be + explained."--_Daily Paper_. + +Unless by the learned author of _Minor Horrors of War_, who knows all +about the fauna of the trenches. + + * * * * * + +THE PERFECT CUSTOMER. + +It was a very ordinary country sale of work. The Countess of Bilberry +declared it open in a neat little speech, and then bought generously +from every stall: her daughter, whose smile nobody could resist, did a +fine trade with raffle tickets for the record pumpkin produced by the +local allotments: Mrs. Dodd, the Rector's wife, presided over a pair +of scales and a strictly rationed tea, and all the rest of the village +sold vegetables and socks and pincushions, and tried to pretend that +antimacassars and shaving tidies and woolwork waistbelts were the most +desirable things in the world when they were made by wounded men at +the nearest Red Cross Hospital, in whose aid the sale was held. + +But there was one unique figure amongst all the folk who knew each +other, and each other's clothes, and each other's clothes' cost, so +well. She arrived at the Village Hall in a pony-carriage, drawn by +the ugliest little pony that ever sniffed oats. She was very quietly +and very tastefully dressed, and, instead of concentrating on the +well-laden stalls of garden produce or the orderly stacks of knitted +comforts, or the really useful baskets, she went straight to the stall +which even Mrs. Dodd, who had the kindest heart in the countryside, +had been compelled to relegate to a dark corner. There was +woolwork run riot over cushions of incredible hardness; there were +candle-shades guaranteed to catch alight at the mere sight of a match; +there were crochet dressing-table mats, and there was a three-legged +stool on which even a fairy could not have sat without danger of a +break-down. + +The youngest Miss Dodd, a severely practical young lady of sixteen, +who was presiding at this stall, jumped up in surprise at the sight of +a customer, and in doing so knocked over a glass box bound with red +and white and blue ribbon, with "Handkerchiefs" painted across the +corner in a design of forget-me-nots. There was very little glass box +left when she picked it up, and the splinters had made a good many +little craters in the surface of a big bowl of clotted cream, labelled +"Positively the last appearance for the Duration of the War," which +was at the corner of the next stall. + +The little stranger said that she would take the box and the damaged +cream too; she bought a whole family of crochet mats with centres +of orange woollen loops; three pincushions made of playing cards +discharged as no longer fit for active service; a table-centre with +pen-painting of the Allied flags, and a letter-case with the badges of +the Dominions worked in wool and "Across the sea, A letter from thee," +straggling wearily across one corner. Then there was an antimacassar +in purple and magenta sateen, with yellow daffodils making a brave +attempt to flourish in unlikely surroundings. + +At the next stall she bought a photograph frame which had lost its +prop in an unequal contest with a tea-tray which had collapsed from +the heartiness of the Rector's clapping at the conclusion of the +Countess's speech; and a Noah's Ark from which the star performer +and his very best beasts had somehow disappeared. + +Then the little lady paused before the live-stock stall. + +"There isn't anything really hideous here," she murmured to herself; +"but I think that puppy--it's never had its tail cut, and nobody will +ever know whether it's a sealyham, a spaniel or even a dash of a +setter--I will take the puppy, please," she added, "as soon as I've +had some tea. After that I will see what is left. You have such nice +things." + +After tea she went back to the youngest Miss Dodd and collected a few +more of the more glaring atrocities, paid her bills, and then went off +to her pony-carriage; the youngest Miss Dodd, very much inclined to +giggle, bearing armfuls of odd purchases in her wake, crowned by the +bowl of cream and the mongrel pup. She handed them in and was just +going away when the little old lady pressed a piece of paper into her +hand. + +"I don't like to worry people," she said gently, "but if you have time +you might read this. It has been a great opportunity to-day; I don't +often find so much to be done--and I shall love the puppy." + +The youngest Miss Dodd watched the start of the ugly pony with a +snigger and then went back into the lighted hall to read the pamphlet. +It was a touching little document--many people know it well--and the +youngest Miss Dodd, who had never been known to sentimentalize over +anything before, blew her nose rather violently when she had read it. + +"Bless her dear little soul!" she said to herself: "I don't wonder +that pup was trying to kiss her. I only hope she won't try to eat that +cream with the glass in it, or give it to the pup." For the pamphlet +was the Rules for Membership and a treatise on the Objects and Methods +of the "Society for Buying What Nobody Wants." + + * * * * * + +MORE PROFITEERING. + +"Beautiful champagne broche silk crepe de chine blouse; open neck; one +button; cost 2s. 6d.; accept 15s."--_The Lady_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INEFFICIENCY IN THE NAVY. + +_First Bluejacket_. "HULLO, MATE, I THOUGHT YOU WAS ASHORE WITH THE +CAPTAIN, PLAYING GOLF." + +_Second Bluejacket_. "WELL, SO I WAS. IT'S LIKE THIS 'ERE. 'E GIVES ME +'IS STICKS TO CARRY, AND THEN TAKES ONE AND PUTS A LI'L WHITE BALL ON +TOP OF A BIT O' SAND AND, MY WORD! HE CATCHES THAT BALL A FAIR SWIPE. +MUST 'A' GONE MILES. THEN 'E TURNS TO ME AND SEZ, 'DID YER SEE WHERE +THAT WENT TO?' SO I SEZ, SMART LIKE, 'OUT O' SIGHT FROM THE MOMENT OF +HIMPACT, SIR,' AN' 'E SEZ, 'GO BACK ON BOARD, YE BLINKIN' FATHEAD!'"] + + * * * * * + +CONVERSIONS. + + There was an exuberant flapper + Who made people anxious to slap her; + She uttered loud squeals + And she smoked at all meals; + Now she's married an elderly sapper. + + There was a mild don who was muddy + In mind and complexion by study; + Now he flies fast and far, + With a cross and a bar, + And his face and his language are ruddy. + + * * * * * + + "BRITISH FRONT REINFORCED. + + "BY PERCIVAL PHILLIPS." + + _Daily Paper_. + +Intrepid fellows, our war correspondents. What a pity there are so few +of them! + + * * * * * + + "A long, keen dagger will be supplied to every American + infantryman going to France. This weapon will be fitted into + one of the fighting men's leggings when he goes into action, + so he will have something to fall back on should his bayonet + fail."--_Canadian Paper_. + +If he's going to fall back on it, we hope the sharp end won't be at +the top. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Sub_. "I SAY, SERGEANT-MAJOR, DO YOU REALISE THAT +THAT CHAP WITH THE BARROW IS A MEMBER OF AN ARCHÆOLOGICAL SOCIETY?" +_The Sergeant-Major_. "WELL, SIR, 'E MAY BE WHAT YOU SAY. PERSONALLY +I'VE ALWAYS FOUND 'IM QUIET AND WELL-BE'AVED."] + + * * * * * + +THE CLYDE-BUILT CLIPPER. + + [Many of the fast-sailing clippers which were making fine passages + in the Australian wool trade in the 'seventies and onwards were + laid up or turned into hulks before the War. Recently, however, + several have been re-fitted for sea and are once more doing good + service.] + + A ship there was, and she went to sea + (Away O, my Clyde-built clipper!) + In eighteen hundred and seventy-three, + Fine in the lines and keen in the bow, + The way they've forgotten to build 'em now: + Lofty masted and heavily sparred, + With stunsail booms to every yard, + And flying kites both high and low + To catch the wands when they did blow + (And away, my Clyde-built clipper!). + + Fastest ship on the Colonies run-- + (Away O, my racing clipper!) + That was her when her time begun; + Sixteen knots she could easily do, + And thirteen knots on a bowline too; + She could show her heels to anything made + With sky-sails set in a favouring trade, + Or when she was running her easting down + From London River to Hobart Town + (And away, my racing clipper!). + + Old shellbacks knew her near and far + (Away O, my old-time clipper!) + From Circular Quay to Mersey Bar, + And many a thundering lie they told + About her runs in the days of old; + But the time did come and the time did go, + And she grew old as we all must grow, + And the most of her gear was carried away + When caught aback in a gale one day + (And away, my old-time clipper!). + + Her masts were sprung from fore to mizen + (Away O, my poor old clipper!) + And freights was poor and dues had risen, + And there warn't no sense in rigging her new, + So they laid her up for a year or two; + And there they left her, and there she lay, + And there she might have been laying to-day, + But when cargoes are many and ships are few + A ship's a ship be she old or new + (And away, my poor old clipper!). + + So in nineteen hundred and seventeen + (Away O, my brave old clipper!) + They've rigged her new and they've scraped her clean + And sent her to sea in time of war + To sail the seas as she sailed before. + And in nineteen hundred and seventeen + She's the same good ship as she's always been; + Her ribs are as staunch and her hull's as sound + As any you'd find the wide world round + (And away, my brave old clipper!). + + The same as they were when she went to sea + (Away O, my Clyde-built clipper!) + In eighteen hundred and seventy-three, + Fine in the lines and keen in the bow, + The way they've forgotten to build 'em now; + Lofty masted and heavily sparred, + With stunsail booms to every yard, + And flying kites both high and low + To catch the winds when they did blow-- + (And away, my Clyde-built clipper!). + + C.F.S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LAST CRUSADE. COEUR-DE-LION (_looking down on the +Holy City_). "MY DREAM COMES TRUE!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, December 10th_.--One would gather from the hoardings that the +Government wished to encourage the sale of War Bonds by every possible +means. Yet the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER threw cold water on the +efforts of certain firms to increase the sale by the offer of cash +prizes, and thought it undesirable that this inducement should be +imitated. The advocates of Premium Bonds were a little depressed by +this announcement, but cheered up somewhat on observing that the +conscientious CHANCELLOR has no intention of refusing the millions +already raked into the Treasury by these "schemes of doubtful +legality." + +[Illustration: THE BAD BOYS OF BROMPTON AND OXFORD STREETS.] + +On the vote for an increase of fifty thousand men for the Navy Mr. +GEORGE LAMBERT solemnly announced that the Admiralty was "fumbling +with a magnificent weapon." It is distressing to think that a body +which for nearly ten years enjoyed his services as Civil Lord should +have deteriorated so rapidly since he left it. + +Mr. LYNCH does not think much of the new scheme for securing unity +of effort among the Allies. He called it "the analogue of the Aulic +Council" (pronounced "Owlic," to give more effect to the description). + +The Chequers Estate Bill passed through all its stages amid a chorus +of praise, despite the injunction of the generous donors that there +should be "no flowers." + +_Tuesday, December 11th_.--After all, London is to have the BARNARD +statue, despite the protest of Lord CHARNWOOD, LINCOLN'S latest +biographer, that it is not a portrait of his hero, but of a man whose +only connection with the PRESIDENT was that he was born in the same +neighbourhood. Against this Lord WEARDALE quoted Mr. ROOSEVELT'S +description of the statue as "the Lincoln we all knew and loved." +As Mr. ROOSEVELT had reached the mature age of six when LINCOLN was +assassinated the COMMISSIONER OF WORKS seems to have regarded his +testimony as conclusive. + +At the request of Mr. KING the Peers are to be allowed to listen to +the secret debates of the Commons, if any of them desire to do so. +The hon. Member having expressed a hope that the Peers would grant +reciprocal facilities to the Commons, Mr. HOGGE kindly suggested that +the Government should grant him "all the privileges of the House of +Lords." But Mr. BONAR LAW declined to deprive the House of Commons +in that way of one of its brightest ornaments; so the "Mad Hatter" +will not be called upon just yet awhile to exchange his traditional +headgear for a coronet. + +I presume some Members of Parliament know what "non-ferrous metals" +are, and what is the object of the Bill which the Government has +introduced to deal with them. But the views which they took on the +subject were so obscurely divergent that all I could gather from the +debate was that in some way or other the measure was intended to be a +nasty knock for German trade. That was good enough for the House at +large, which passed the Second Reading by a substantial majority. + +[Illustration: A HORRIBLE MENACE. MR. JOSEPH KING.] + +_Wednesday, December 12th_.--Mr. PRINGLE, having asserted that +candidates for appointments under the War Office were successful +simply on account of possessing a "pull" with the Selection +Department, was quietly reminded by the UNDER-SECRETARY that he +himself had attempted to use his influence on behalf of a candidate. +Mr. PRINGLE was righteously indignant. He had never asked favours of +the War Office; he had merely "recommended men personally known to +me." This delicate distinction, which should have convinced Members +of Mr. PRINGLE'S disinterestedness, only made them laugh. + +On the Vote of Credit for 550 millions the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER +was invited by Mr. DILLON to make a survey of the military situation. +He replied that all the relevant facts were known already. "The War +is going on; the Government and the country intend it shall go on; +and money is necessary to make it go on." It is, perhaps, a pity that +he did not content himself with this epitome and refuse to be drawn +into a discussion of the recent operations near Cambrai. What has +Mr. DILLON done to promote the prosecution of the War that he should +receive special consideration? + +There was a renewed discussion of the censorship of pamphlets. Sir +GEORGE CAVE ably defended the regulations, but did not convince +everyone that his preference for confiscation over prosecution was +entirely sound. The idea that the publishers of these pamphlets would +welcome advertisement is probably erroneous, or why was it necessary +to insist that they should put their names to them? + +Mr. SPENCER HUGHES'S humorous attack upon the CENSOR was much +applauded on the Liberal benches. Some of the more brilliant passages +would have received even wider appreciation if a good many Members had +not heard them a week before from the lips of Mr. AUGUSTINE BIRRELL at +a non-political luncheon. + +_Thursday, December 13th_.--Lord BERESFORD charged the PRIME MINISTER +with having two voices, like _Caliban's_ monster. Lord CURZON +flatly declined to accept the suggestion that Cabinet Ministers +were collectively responsible for one another's speeches--"they had +far more serious things to think of." The phrase seems a little +depreciatory, but as Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, according to his candid +colleague, is "constitutionally an optimist" he will no doubt make +the best of it. + +Mr. HOUSTON was informed that sweets "for military, naval or civil +consumption" were still being imported, but that the Ministry of +Shipping made no special provision for their carriage. No one, +therefore, need grudge Sir ERIC GEDDES the lozenge which he so +ostentatiously popped into his mouth just before making his speech +on Admiralty administration, or inquire too curiously whether it +was consumed by him in his capacity of Major-General, Vice-Admiral +or Civilian Minister. + +Despite the warning of the SPEAKER that it was not in the national +interest to embarrass the Administration, Mr. KING insisted on trying +to discuss forbidden topics. At last Lord ROBERT CECIL "espied +strangers," and we must assume that, without the vivifying presence of +the reporters, Mr. KING'S oratory wilted, for an hour afterwards the +House was up. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Polite Stranger_. "EXCUSE MY TURNING MY BACK UPON YOU, +SIR." + +_Curmudgeon_. "SIR, I KNOW OF NO OBLIGATION ON YOUR PART TO LOOK AT +ME."] + + * * * * * + +THE REWARD OF PATRIOTISM. + +"Major ---- has placed the mansion at the disposal of the War Office, +and will be in charge of Sister ----."--_Provincial Paper_. + + * * * * * + +THINGS OVERHEARD IN WAR-TIME. + +"There couldn't be room there for _all_ the Jews, could there?" + + * * * * * + +"After waiting two hours I got half-a-pound." + + * * * * * + +"It should be made compulsory." + + * * * * * + +"Wherever else these matches strike, they won't strike on the box." + + * * * * * + +"I just turned over and went to sleep again." + + * * * * * + +"I wish the Government would tell _me_ what I could do for them." + + * * * * * + +"Oh, another three years." + + * * * * * + +"What puzzles me is--Where is the paper shortage?" + + * * * * * + +"We keep a gramophone in the basement now." + + * * * * * + +"No one is more willing than I am to do something." + + * * * * * + +"It's the children's festival--that's what I always say." + + * * * * * + +HERBS OF GRACE. + +IX. + +PENNYROYAL.--A CAROL. + + _"Far away in Sicily!"-- + A home-come sailor sang this rhyme, + Deep in an ingle, mug on knee, + At Christmas time._ + + In Sicily, as I was told, + The children take them Pennyroyal, + The same as lurks on hill and wold + In Cotsall soil. + + The Pennyroyal of grace divine + In little cradles they do weave-- + Little cradles therewith they line + On Christmas Eve. + + And there, as midnight bells awake + The Day of Birth, as they do tell, + All into bud the small plants break + With sweetest smell. + + All into bud that very hour; + And pure and clean, as they do say, + The Pennyroyal's full in flower + On Christmas Day. + + _Far away in Sicily!-- + Hark, the Christmas bells do chime! + So blossom love in thee and me + This Christmas time!_ + + W.B. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady_ (_to uniformed friend_). "I SHOULDN'T A BIT +MIND WEARING UNIFORM IF ONLY ONE COULD CHOOSE ONE'S OWN COLOURS AT +THE WAR OFFICE."] + + * * * * * + +THE V.C. + +My cousin Agatha has been a bad correspondent ever since she +married my old friend, George Thimblewell, which means for the past +five-and-twenty years, so in ordinary circumstances I do not expect +more from her than a "hasty line" to tell me how the youngsters are +doing (George, of course, never writes at all). But I must say I was +surprised and not a little hurt when, in the skimpy margin of a letter +dealing mainly with the difficulty of devising breakfast-dishes, she +scribbled in the most casual manner conceivable, "George has got the +V.C. at last." + +George, my dear old school-chum, with the V.C., and his wife tells me +of it as casually as if it had been a gumboil! I sat with her letter +before me and looked back through the years, seeing us two--George +and myself--as we were long before Agatha even knew him. Had I not +fostered the yearning for heroic deeds in his young bosom? Was it not +possible, nay probable, that the influence of his boyhood's companion +had helped to mould his character and prepare it for this glorious if +belated achievement? Upon my word it seemed to me that I myself might +well take a certain amount of credit for that decoration. And here +was his wife mentioning it as though she scarcely expected me to be +interested. Never a date, never a detail. + +I was so ruffled that I decided, since she vouchsafed no information, +to ask for none, as became a man with proper pride. I adopted a +semi-jocular vein to meet the case. + +"I have known your V.C. longer than you have, Agatha," I wrote, "and +am as pleased and proud as you can be. The strong silent type--you can +rely upon them. Quiet and domesticated, requiring little attention, +helpful about the house, undemonstrative perhaps, but all the time +ready for the most desperate emergency. Let me know when George is +to be at home, and I shall come to dinner and hear all about it." + +As I sealed my note it occurred to me that George must be the first +special constable to win the Cross, and I felt a glow of satisfaction +to realise that we must now be eligible for that most glorious of all +decorations. + +A few days later came another note from Agatha, about sugar-cards this +time, but with a postscript which said, "It isn't like you to chaff +me, James. I don't see that there is anything particularly funny about +George having got the Vacuum Cleaner which he promised me long ago." + + * * * * * + +BIG GAME. + + "General Allenby reports that Budrus and Sheikh Obeid Rahid, to + the north of Midieh, were captured by Gurkhas, 50 Tanks being + killed and 10 taken prisoners."--_Evening Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "Ruler wanted, experienced, male or female (male preferred); wages + according to ability; removal assistance; away from raid area; + permanency to suitable applicant."--_Eastern Daily Press_. + +This might suit the KAISER, when Sir DOUGLAS HAIG has provided the +necessary "removal assistance." + + * * * * * + + "WHERE EX-TSAR KEEPS HIS GLOOMY COURT. + + "Built mostly of wood, the Imperial family occupies a brick + mansion."--_News of the World_. + +We are intended to infer, presumably, that if the Imperial Family had +been constructed of stouter material it might still be in the Winter +Palace. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Motor Driver_. "NAH, THEN, WHERE'S YOUR REAR LIGHT?" + +_Countryman_. "NOW, THEN, YE OWD ZEPPERLEEN, DO YE THINK I'M GOING TO +SHOW YE WHERE I BE?"] + + * * * * * + +TO THE REGIMENT. + +A CHRISTMAS MESSAGE. + + So Christmas comes and finds you yet in Flanders, + And all is mud and messiness and sleet, + And men have temperatures and horses glanders, + And Brigadiers have trouble with their feet, + And life is bad for Company-Commanders, + And even Thomas's is not so sweet. + + Now cooks for kindlewood would give great riches, + And in the dixies the pale stew congeals, + And ration-parties are not free from hitches, + But all night circle like performing seals, + Till morning breaks and everybody pitches + Into a hole some other person's meals. + + Now regiments huddle over last week's ashes + And pray for coal and sedulously "rest," + Where rain and wind contemn the empty sashes, + And blue lips frame the faint heroic jest, + Till some near howitzer goes off and smashes + The only window that the town possessed. + + Yet somehow Christmas in your souls is stirring, + And Colonels now less viciously upbraid + Their Transport Officers, however erring, + And sudden signals issue from Brigade + To say next Tuesday Christmas is occurring, + And what arrangements have Battalions made? + + And then, maybe, while everyone discusses + On what rich foods their dear commands shall dine, + And (most efficiently) the Padre fusses + About the birds, the speeches and the wine-- + The Corps-Commander sends a fleet of 'buses + To whisk you off to Christmas in the line. + + You make no moan, nor hint at how you're faring, + And here in turn we try to hide our woe, + With taxis mutinous, and Tubes so wearing, + And who can tell where all the matches go? + And all our doors and windows want repairing, + But can we get a man to mend them? No. + + The dustman visits not; we can't get castor; + In vain are parlour-maids and plumbers sought, + And human intellect can scarcely master + The time when beer may lawfully be bought, + Or calculate how cash can go much faster, + And if one's butcher's acting as he ought. + + Our old indulgences are now not cricket; + Whate'er one does _some_ Minister will cuss; + In Tube and Tram young ladies punch one's ticket, + With whom one can't be cross or querulous; + All things are different, but still we stick it, + And humbly hope we help a little thus. + + So, Fellow-sufferers, we give you greeting-- + All luck, all laughter and an end of wars! + And just to strengthen you for Fritz's beating, + I'm sending out a parcel from the Stores; + _They mean to stop my annual over-eating, + But it will comfort me to think of yours._ + + A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +THE BANK'S MISTAKE. + +"I wish," said Francesca, "you would explain something to me." + +"I am full," I said, "of explanations of every conceivable difficulty. +You have only to tap me and an explanation will come bubbling out." + +"I am not sure that I want the bubbling sort. On the whole I think I +prefer the still waters that run deep." + +"Those too can be provided for you. All you have got to do is to ask." + +"What a comfort it is," she said, "to live constantly in the mild and +magnificent eye of an encyclopædia." + +"Yes," I said, "it saves a lot of running about, doesn't it? Come now, +fire off your question." + +"What is your opinion of the Bank of England?" + +"The Bank of England?" I gasped. "One doesn't have opinions of the +Bank of England. One just accepts it, you know, and there you are." + +"Yes," she said, "that's exactly what I felt about it. I thought it +was one of the signs of our superiority to everybody else, with its +crisp banknotes and all that." + +"You mustn't forget its detachment of the Guards to protect it. Many's +the good dinner I've had with the officer of the Bank Guard in the old +days." + +"I'm afraid that leaves me cold, not being able to take part in it." + +"If it gave me pleasure to dine at the Bank, I should have thought the +subject would have interested you." + +"Well, it wasn't exactly what I wanted to consult you about." + +"What was it then?" I said. "You know you mustn't cast doubts on the +financial stability of the Bank. You'll be put in prison if you do." + +"I shouldn't dream of doing anything of the sort." + +"Come, then, be quick about it. This suspense is making me tremble for +my War Loan Bonds." + +"Is the Bank," said Francesca, "a generous institution?" + +"Banks," I said, "cannot afford to be generous. They are just and +accurate and there's an end of it." + +"The Bank of England," she said, "being so great, is an exception to +the rule. Anyhow, it has been generous to me, for it has given me one +hundred pounds." + +"Do you mean," I cried, "one hundred pounds that don't belong to you?" + +"Of course I do. If they had belonged to me there wouldn't have been +anything to make a fuss about." + +"This," I said, "is one of the most breathless things ever known. +A mere woman, who is unskilled in finance and has only the dimmest +recollection of the rule of three and compound interest, gets the +better of the greatest banking institution in the world to the tune of +one hundred pounds. It's incredible. Of course you've made a mistake." + +"That's right," she said. "Always go against your wife and think her +wrong, even when it is only an institution that she's contending +with." + +"It's precisely because it is an institution that I doubt your +statement." + +"You're not very helpful; you don't tell me whether I'm to sit down +under the burden of owning one hundred pounds of the bank's money that +doesn't belong to me." + +"Francesca," I said, "you must calm yourself and tell me as clearly +as possible how you came into possession of this extra hundred pounds +which is apparently burning a hole in your pocket--if indeed you have +a pocket, which I doubt." + +"You're quite wrong; I've got two pockets in the dress I'm wearing at +this moment." + +"I will not," I said, "discuss with you the number of your pockets. +Now tell me your pathetic story. I am all ears." + +"Well," said Francesca, "it's this way. I put one hundred pounds in +the old War Loan, and then Exchequer Bonds came along, and I put one +hundred pounds of my very best savings into them, and then came the +new Five per Cent. War Loan, and somehow or other I got converted into +that. And after that there was what they called a broken amount, which +I brought up to fifty pounds or a multiple of fifty pounds. That cost +me about forty pounds. I don't know why they wanted me to do it or why +I did it." + +"Probably they thought it would be easier for the Bank." + +"That's paltry; easiness ought to have nothing to do with it." + +"Anyhow," I said, "I make out from your statement that you ought to +have two hundred and fifty pounds of Five per Cent. Stock to your +credit." + +"Precisely," said Francesca impressively, "but yesterday morning I +received from the bank a dividend thing--" + +"You may call it a warrant," I said. + +"A dividend warrant," continued Francesca, "for eight pounds fifteen +shillings on _three_ hundred and fifty pounds, so what have you got to +say now for your precious Bank of England?" + +"Your tale," I said, "has interested me strangely, but there is one +point you omitted to mention." + +"I am innocent, my Lord," said Francesca. "I have told you the truth." + +"But not the whole truth, prisoner at the bar. Don't you remember that +when the new Loan came out you borrowed money from me in order to take +up one hundred pounds of it?" + +"Is _that_ it?" said Francesca. "No, I hadn't remembered that." + +"Of course," I said, "a financial magnate like yourself would easily +forget so wretched a sum; but the Bank has done no wrong." + +"Yes, it has; it sent out a lot of papers that were very confusing, +and it's no wonder I made a mistake." + +"The question in my mind," I said, "is this: when are you going to +repay what you owe me--with interest?" + +"We'll talk about that another time," said Francesca. + +R.C.L. + + * * * * * + +FOR OUR SAILORS AND SOLDIERS. + +The Veterans Association is giving a Special Entertainment at the +Alhambra on Sunday afternoon, December 30th, on behalf of their +Imperial Memorial Fund which is being raised to expand the Veterans +Club into an adequate Institution for the comfort of ex-sailors +and ex-soldiers, and to provide an Imperial Memorial for those who +have given their lives in the War. The Veterans Club in Hand Court, +Holborn, has already done a great work during the six or seven years +of its existence in looking after sailors and soldiers. Free medical +and legal advice is given, and the homes of the men are protected +by the storing of their furniture while they are on active service. +Employment is also found for soldiers and sailors whose service is +done. For the Entertainment at the Alhambra on the 30th, the following +artistes, among others, have generously volunteered their services: +Miss VIOLET LORAINE, Miss PHYLLIS MONCKMAN, Miss WISH WYNNE, Miss ESMÉ +BERINGER, Messrs. LAURI DE FRECE, MARK LESTER, HERBERT GROVER and +GEORGE ROBEY. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER SEX PROBLEM. + + "Henry III. was Queen Mary's brother-in-law, she having been + for a short time the husband of his predecessor, Francis + II."--_The Sphere._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SPREAD OF THE QUEUE HABIT.] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +One of the most interesting features, to an English observer, in the +impressive spectacle of America girding herself for war is the sight +of our great Ally passing through all those phases of initiation that +to us are now remote memories. Such a phase is the coming of the +first war-books, exemplified for me by the appearance of _From the +Fire Step_ (PUTNAMS). As his sub-title indicates--_Experiences of an +American Soldier in the British Army_--the writer, Mr. ARTHUR GUY +EMPEY, has proved himself something of a pioneer. In a singularly +vivacious opening chapter he tells how, after waiting with decreasing +expectation during the months that followed the _Lusitania_ crime, he +decided to be a law unto himself, and came alone to offer his personal +service in the cause of freedom. You will hardly read unmoved (by +laughter as much as by sympathy) his story of how this offer was at +first refused, then accepted. Throughout indeed you must prepare to +find Mr. EMPEY an entirely independent, though generous, critic of +our men and methods; it is precisely this attitude that gives his +book its chief interest as a survey of all-too-familiar things from +a refreshingly new angle. I hardly suppose there will be anything in +the actual matter, from church parade to gas-attacks, which readers +on this side will not by now have seen or heard about, times beyond +number; but one can imagine sympathetically with what concern it +will all be received in the homes oversea; and after turning its +high-spirited and encouraging pages can warmly echo the admonition of +their writer: "Pacifists and small-army people please read with care!" + + * * * * * + +Since there is probably no writer who can approach Mrs. FLORA ANNIE +STEEL in the art of telling Indian tales about Indian people, one is +specially happy to find her in _Mistress of Men_ (HEINEMANN) with +her foot once more upon her special terrain. Not for the first time, +I think, she has gone to the records of the House of AKBAR for her +material; the result here is hardly to be called a novel so much as +amplified history, since it is really the life story of an actual +(and wonderful) woman, NURJAHĂ‚N THE BEAUTIFUL, wife of the Emperor +JAHĂ‚NGIR. Naturally the writer has experienced not only the great +advantages but the hazards of such a building upon fact. To explain +the marriage of your heroine with the Imperial lover by whose orders +her first husband was killed, and not to lessen sympathy for her in +the process, is a problem to test the skill of any novelist. One sees, +however, even without Mrs. STEEL'S own declaration, that it has been +for her a grateful task to set down "a record of the most perfect +passion ever shown by man for woman." This was the adoration of the +EMPEROR for his consort, an amazing romance of Oriental domesticity, +which makes the story of the pair stranger and more fascinating than +fiction. A love-tale indeed; and, since 'tis love that makes a book +go round, one may trust the circulating libraries to see to it that +_Mistress of Men_ is well represented on their shelves. As a study +of an alluring, dazzling and masterful personality it was well worth +writing. + + * * * * * + +There is a sad interest in the title-page of _Irish Memories_ +(LONGMANS), since only by a pathetic fiction does it bear the names, +as joint authors, of E. OE. SOMERVILLE and "MARTIN ROSS," those two +gifted ladies whose association has been such a happy chance for +them and for us all. Really the book, though in part compiled from +the letters and journals of "MARTIN," is an eloquent tribute by Miss +SOMERVILLE to the partner whose death has robbed her of a friend and +the world of so much kindly laughter. But, haunted as it is by this +shadow of bereavement, you must in no way think of it as wholly a +thing of gloom. Looking back into the good years, the writer has +recalled many incidents and scenes full of that genial and most +infectious merriment that we have learnt to expect from her--tales of +the wonderful peasant chorus that one remembers first in the pages of +_An Irish R.M._, exploits after hounds (it needs no telling how well +both authors loved them), and much besides. There will be interest +also for many uninitiated admirers in the account here given of how +the famous stories came first into being. Of its more intimate and +personal side I hesitate to speak; those who loved "MARTIN ROSS," +either through her writings or in the closer relationship of friend, +must be glad that her _ave atque vale_ has been spoken, as she would +have wished it, by her whose right it was. It will send many to +read again those delightful volumes with a new appreciation of the +sympathetic and lovable personality that helped in their making. + + * * * * * + +I am afraid that something of the charm which, in a sympathetic +preface, M. HENRI BORDEAUX claims for _A Crusader in France_ (MELROSE) +is veiled by a rather faltering translation. I would counsel all +who appreciate the exquisitely sensitive _RĂ©cit d'une Soeur_, with +which he not unfavourably compares it, to go rather to the French +original of these letters of a young captain of the famous Chasseurs +Alpins. Captain FREDERIC BELMONT fell near the stubbornly-contested +Hartmannsweilerkopf in 1916. He was the third of his family to give +his life for France. The letters reveal a character that hardships +and dangers not only strengthened but refined. He writes with a noble +French ardour of his country in the crisis of her fate. He dreads, but +rises greatly to the height of, his heavy responsibility as Captain at +the age of twenty-one. The coveted cross of the Legion of Honour comes +to him before the end, and he wins the affection and confidence of his +men--a soldier's highest prize. A deep religious conviction unclouded +by superstition sustains his courage. He is a product of the French +Catholic tradition at its best. He writes intelligently of his work, +and with a greater freedom as to detail than our more exigeant +censorship allows; so that you get an excellent picture of the daily +life of a campaigner in the greatest of all wars. He met the English +in Flanders, admired and liked their looks and ways.... A very +charming record of a gallant soldier, a chosen soul. + + * * * * * + +In the first few pages of _At the Serbian Front in Macedonia_ (LANE), +Mr. E.P. STEBBING tells so many little anecdotes that I began to +wonder if he was ever going to get there. When, however, he has +got into his stride, he gives us information which is all the more +valuable because we hear so little of the Macedonian campaign. Mr. +STEBBING was appointed Transport Officer to a unit of the Scottish +Women's Hospitals that was sent to the Serbian Front. Naturally he has +much to say of the work done by these brave and untiring women. Under +exceptionally difficult circumstances their courage never failed, +and it is good to remember that their arrival at Ostrovo was of the +greatest possible service to the Serbs. That is one part of the book, +and it is well told. The other is of actual war, and here Mr. STEBBING +was given ample opportunities to observe. No one can read his account +of the taking of Kajmaktcalan without feeling the keenest admiration +for the gallantry of the Serbs. He also describes very graphically the +frontal attack by the French upon the Kenali lines in October, 1916. +The British public is too apt to look upon the Macedonian campaign +as a prolonged picnic, and for them a dose of Mr. STEBBING would be +excellent medicine. I wish someone with our own troops would do as +sound a service for them as is done here for the Serbs and French. +But let him avoid anecdotes. + + * * * * * + +I am a little puzzled about _A Bolt from the East_ (METHUEN). The +publishers, who surely should know, call it "A modern and up-to-date +romance, which deals mystically but boldly with the greatest and most +pertinent of all questions--'Is Life Worth Living?'" But for my own +part the greatest and most pertinent question suggested by Mr. G.F. +TURNER'S up-to-date romance was whether it could possibly have been +intended as serious. I despair of giving you any adequate idea of its +contents. There are lots and lots of characters, and, as several of +them seem to own more than one personality, it is often more than a +little hard to say who is what. The central figure is an Indian Prince +of marvellous beauty and mysterious powers, who, being jilted by the +girl of his heart, wishes to be revenged upon the human race. To this +end he employs the activities of a German Professor, who produces what +one might call a _Kultur_ of the sterility germ. However, these cheery +projects go astray, though in precisely what manner I have no very +clear idea. But the end came at a gathering where the _Prince_ played +psychic music, and a chance union of hands between hero and heroine +transmuted the former from "a dilettante" and "polished ladies' man" +to "a virile male filled with the blasting vehemence of primary +passions." Incidentally it proved altogether too much both for the +_Professor_ and his inoculated rabbits, all of whom expired on the +spot. Just about here that most pertinent question became more acute +than ever. Fortunately it was the last page but one of the story. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Visitor_. "I HEAR YOUR BOY IS IN PALESTINE. HOW +INTERESTING IT MUST BE FOR HIM TO MOVE AMONG THOSE SCENES WHERE EVERY +SPOT BEINGS UP SOME RECOLLECTION OF THE WONDERFUL EVENTS OF BIBLICAL +HISTORY!" + +_The Mother_. "TED DON'T SAY MUCH ABOUT THAT IN 'IS LETTERS. 'E SEEMS +TO THINK THE COUNTRY IS SUFFERIN' FROM A FLY-PAPER SHORTAGE."] + + * * * * * + "Senhor Rodrique Bettencourt will be Premier, and Senhor + Adinterin, President of the Republic."--_Dublin Daily Express_. + +But is nothing to be done for Senhors Defacto and Dejure? + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11466 *** diff --git a/11466-h/11466-h.htm b/11466-h/11466-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8482949 --- /dev/null +++ b/11466-h/11466-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2309 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Dec. 19, 1917, by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11466 ***</div> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, +Dec. 19, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen</h1> +<br /> +<br /> +<center><b>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</b></center> +<br /> +<br /> + <hr class="full" /> + <br /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 153.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>December 19, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page407" + id="page407"></a>[pg 407]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>GENERAL ALLENBY having announced that all the holy places in + Jerusalem will be protected, the KAISER is about to issue a + manifesto to his Turkish subjects, pointing out that so much + time has elapsed since he was there in 1898 that the place can + no longer be considered as holy as it was.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is now stated that the leader of the Sinn Feiners is an + American citizen. It is hardly likely, however, in view of the + friendly relations prevailing between ourselves and the United + States, that the point will be pressed.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Another lengthy pamphlet on the subject of cheese has been + issued by the FOOD-CONTROLLER. The Department now claims that + there is no excuse for even the simplest grocer failing to + recognise a cheese when he sees it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A painful story comes from the North of England. It appears + that a man left his home saying that he would obtain a pound of + Devonshire butter or die. He was only thirty-four years of + age.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A leaflet containing President WILSON'S recent speech to + Congress has been passed by the CENSOR, who, however, does not + wish it to be understood that he could not have improved on it + if he had cared to.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A grave state of affairs is reported by a New York paper. It + appears that America will shortly ask Mexico to make + revolutions a criminal offence. They'll be stopping baseball + next.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A question put by Mr. FIELD in the House of Commons + suggested that M.P.s should travel on railways free of charge. + The chief objection seems to be that they would be sure to want + return tickets.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A domestic servant points out in a contemporary that she has + worked from seven in the morning until ten o'clock at night for + six months without a break. Another domestic who holds the + smash-as-smash-can record wonders where this poor girl learnt + her business.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Discussing the London taxi strike a contemporary remarks + that both sides ought to meet. Failing that, we think that at + least one side might meet.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Writing to <i>The Evening News</i> a Maidstone gentleman + protested against the action of the authorities who covered up + the Tank in Trafalgar Square on Sundays. On the first Sunday it + seems that somebody tripped over it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There appears to be an epidemic of trouble in the animal + world. An elephant at the Zoo has just died, while only a few + days ago a travelling crane collapsed at Glasgow.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Burglars who looted an Oxford Street shop last week obtained + admission by making a hole through a brick wall. It is supposed + the shop door was closed.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Surely it is only hindering matters for people to keep + writing to the Press on the matter of the appointment of a + Minister of Health. It seems to be overlooked that so far + <i>The Daily Mail</i> has not indicated who should be appointed + to that position.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Government having reaffirmed their statement that they + have "no further fear of submarines," it is felt to be high + time that someone in authority should break it to the U-boats + that they might as well give it up and go home.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The gentleman who wrote to the Press offering to sell eggs + at <i>4s. 7d.</i> a dozen has since explained that he merely + wanted to show how much higher the market price is than his + would have been if he had really had any eggs to sell.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We understand that it has not yet been decided in Berlin + what the Sultan of TURKEY thinks of the capture of + Jerusalem.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Four letters of QUEEN ELIZABETH have just been sold by + auction. Strangely enough, nothing is said in them about her + having no quarrel with the Spanish people, but only with their + Monarch.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Is the potato the saviour of the Fatherland?" asks the + <i>Deutsche Tageszeitung</i>. Another slight to the + ALL-HIGHEST.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/407.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/407.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Both together</i>. "NOW, MY MAN, WHY + DON'T YOU SALUTE WHEN YOU PASS AN OFFICER?" + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>From a review of Lord LISTER'S "Life":—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"It was in Edinburgh that he struck his most famous + patient, Henley, who has a record of the 'Chief' in his + rhymes and rhythms, 'In Hospital.'"—<i>Daily + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>But it was not in reference to this incident that HENLEY + wrote, "My head is bloody but unbowed."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"If all fools were rationed there could be no fixed + scale."—<i>Star</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Of course not; we have always noticed that the bigger the + fool the more he eats.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Bassano is a nice town, by a dam + site."—<i>Canadian Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>But a Canadian friend tells us there are others "a dam sight + nicer."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The German government has a terrific explosive, which + is being held in reserve to the last.... It is said that a + bomb weighing scarcely ten kilometres can annihilate + everything within a radius of two thousand + feet."—<i>New York Herald</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We do not mind saying that we are frankly afraid of a bomb + that weighs about six miles.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"TIPPERARY BURGLARY.—Tipperary Temperance Club + premises have been gurgled."—<i>Cork + Examiner</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>GILBERT'S burglar up-to-date: "He loves to hear the + Temperance Club a-gurgling."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"General Allenby, no doubt, will go in due time to the + House of Lords, and military men are taking a jocular + interest in his selection of a title. Lord Bathsheba might + serve, or Lord Hebron. Lord Jerusalem smacks of the + jocose."—<i>Birmingham Daily Post</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>For our part we thought "Lord Bathsheba" rather funny + too.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h3>An Historical Curiosity.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"At Blenheim is a small glass-topped table, which + contains the sword of the great Duke of Marlborough, also a + letter addressed by him to Sarah Duchess from the field of + Waterloo."—<i>The Queen</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page408" + id="page408"></a>[pg 408]</span> + + <h2>OUR PACIFISTS.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Far as my humble daily round extends,</p> + + <p class="i2">There's none but longs to see us lay the + foe low;</p> + + <p>I cannot trace upon my list of friends</p> + + <p class="i2">A solitary instance of a Bolo;</p> + + <p>So that I've sometimes nursed a doubt</p> + + <p>Whether there are such lots of them about.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But now, when that <i>Gazette</i> in which I + read</p> + + <p class="i2">(To learn its views on any given + matter</p> + + <p>And so avoid 'em) hints that no such breed</p> + + <p class="i2">Exists among us, save in idle + chatter,</p> + + <p>I am convinced the country reeks</p> + + <p>With these unnatural and noisome freaks.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Only the worst are out for German pay;</p> + + <p class="i2">Some claim ideals on the loftiest + level;</p> + + <p>Peace (and a fig for Honour) is their lay—</p> + + <p class="i2">Peace and the Brotherhood of man and + devil;</p> + + <p>They love all sorts beneath the sun—</p> + + <p>Even an Englishman; but best a Hun.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They save the choicest of their tears to shed</p> + + <p class="i2">For those who break all laws divine and + human;</p> + + <p>They'd bid the dead past cover up its dead,</p> + + <p class="i2">Forgetful of our murdered, child and + woman;</p> + + <p>Forgetful of our drowned who sleep</p> + + <p>Without a grave beneath the wandering deep.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I know not how or when this War will close,</p> + + <p class="i2">But this I know: unless my brain goes + rotten,</p> + + <p>Never will I clasp hand with hand of those,</p> + + <p class="i2">False to their blood, who'd have these + things forgotten,</p> + + <p>Who want a peace untimely made</p> + + <p>Before the uttermost account is paid.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thirty years on, when weak with age, I might</p> + + <p class="i2">Possibly talk to some repentant + Teuton;</p> + + <p>But, while I still can tell a knave at sight</p> + + <p class="i2">And have enough of strength to keep a + boot on,</p> + + <p>Only in one way will I get</p> + + <p>In touch with samples of the Bolo Set.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE CADET'S FRIEND.</h2> + + <p>MISUNDERSTOOD.—You were in the wrong. The custom of + throwing chicken-bones over the right shoulder is practised + only in the mess of the 13th Bavarian Landsturm Regiment. + Still, considering that you had only joined that day, we think + your colonel acted hastily.</p> + + <p>AS YOU WERE (and several other Correspondents).—The + executive order for the new combined movement of "About turn + and left incline" is given when the joint of the left big toe + is opposite the right instep (in Rifle regiments substitute + right for left and left for right).</p> + + <p>SUBALTERN.—Your company commander is without authority + for reproving you for shaving off your moustache. All the same, + judging by the photograph you enclose, we think you would be + wise to keep as much of your face covered as possible.</p> + + <p>FIELD-MARSHAL'S BATON.—No, you are mistaken in + supposing that a private soldier under close arrest may spend + two hours daily in the regimental canteen. The only stimulant + allowed him is one glass (2 oz., Mark IV.) of port daily with + the orderly officer when the latter inspects the guardroom.</p> + + <p>SUFFERER.—(1) No, White Star gas is never employed by + army dentists. (2) No, you need not take your respirator with + you. You hire the anæsthetist's at a small charge.</p> + + <p>PINK RATS.—You assume that if you were appointed a + mopper-up you would <i>ex-officio</i> be put in charge of the + rum-ration. This is not the case. The function of moppers-up is + to collect souvenirs for the new Great War Museum, to be housed + in one of the four remaining London hotels.</p> + + <p>OBSERVER.—German minnenwerfer are not dangerous if + their flight is carefully watched, as they swerve to the left, + and their landing-place can thus be fairly accurately judged. + Two varieties, however—the windupwerfer and the + hoppitwerfer—swerve to the right. The googliwerfer + swerves both ways.</p> + + <p>SOCIABLE.—The correct method of dealing with snipers + in a house is to ring the front-door bell with the thumb and + forefinger of the right hand, at the same time smartly + inserting a charge of cordite into the letter-box with the + left. Indents for postmen's uniforms for this purpose should be + rendered to D.A.D.O.S. in triplicate.</p> + + <p>STATISTICIAN.—The world's record is held by the + adjutant of the pioneer battalion of the 371st Silesian Foot + Regiment. There is unimpeachable evidence to prove that he was + heard drinking gravy soup from a distance of 477 metres. The + night was calm.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>IF THE PAPER SHORTAGE INCREASES.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Some Future Press Items.</i>)</h4> + + <p>FICTION FAMINE IN THE PROVINCES.</p> + + <p>From many districts come reports of great difficulty in + obtaining novels. Yesterday in a well-known Midland town the + unusual sight was observed of long queues outside the chief + booksellers'. Several libraries displayed notices bearing the + words, "No GARVICE to-day"; and quite early in the afternoon + best quality BENSONS were practically unobtainable, even by + regular customers.</p> + + <p>FIRST CONDITIONAL SALE PROSECUTION.</p> + + <p>Much interest has been roused in East Anglia over the fine + of one hundred pounds inflicted by the Bench upon a local + bookseller, found guilty of the Conditional Sale of Fiction. + The chief witness, a retired stockbroker, proved that defendant + refused to supply his order for a shilling's worth of O. HENRY + unless he also purchased a remainder copy of <i>Wanderings + Round Widnes</i> (published at twelve-and-six net). The + Chairman, remarking that the case was a specially flagrant one, + expressed a hope that the result would protect the public from + such imposition in future.</p> + + <p>VALUABLE DISCOVERY.</p> + + <p>In view of the serious shortage in reliable fiction, nothing + less than a sensation is likely to result from the reported + discovery of an entirely satisfactory BARCLAY substitute in + tabloid form. Should the tidings prove well authenticated, the + patrons of circulating libraries will have good reason for + satisfaction. The new preparation is said to be even sweeter + than the original article, and equally sustaining.</p> + + <p>FICTION CARDS COMING.</p> + + <p>On inquiry at the Albert Hall (recently taken over as + offices by the Literature Control Committee), our + representative was emphatically assured that, should the system + of voluntary romance-rationing prove unsatisfactory, some form + of compulsion will become inevitable. It was pointed out that + the indicated maximum of one novel or magazine per head weekly + is amply sufficient for all reasonable requirements. The + attention of the public is further called to the need of making + the fullest and most economical use of the allowance, and not + wasting the advertisement pages, which contain much readable + and stimulating matter, the patent medicine paragraphs + especially being rich in the finest imaginative fiction.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page409" + id="page409"></a>[pg 409]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/409.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/409.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE NEED OF MEN.</h3> + + <p>MR. PUNCH (<i>to the Comber-out</i>). "MORE POWER TO + YOUR ELBOW, SIR. BUT WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO FILL UP THAT + SILLY GAP?"</p> + + <p>SIR AUCKLAND GEDDES. "HUSH! HUSH! WE'RE WAITING FOR THE + MILLENNIUM."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page410" + id="page410"></a>[pg 410]</span> + + <h2>"CHOCKCHAW;"</h2> + + <h3>OR, BIG-WIGS AT PLAY.</h3> + + <p>Somebody in the Old Country discovered, with the aid of a + hint or two, that the tooth (exact molar not specified) of the + General Staff Officer 3 was sweet. As a natural result a + certain famous firm of confectioners was indented upon heavily. + Day in, day out, perspiring orderlies arrived festooned with + parcels containing all kinds of wonderful things crammed with + all sorts of wonderful surprises. Life in the General Staff + Office resolved itself into four meals a day between + sweetmeats. The whole routine underwent a complete change. + Everyone who visited the place made, as a matter of course, a + bee line for the General Staff Canteen cupboard, and while + searching for the particular dainty he fancied broached the + subject of his visit in general terms. He then turned to the + officer he was addressing and politely offered him the kind of + delicacy he thought would blend best with the matter in + hand.</p> + + <p>And then Chockchaw arrived. It began by letting the G.S.O.3 + down badly the first day. All unsuspicious of its properties he + rang up a Division, popped a piece into his mouth and waited. + In due time the call came through, but no word could he utter. + "Chockchaw lockjaw" had set in. Only a horrible sound like the + squelching of ten gum-boots in the mud reached the indignant + Staff at the other end. After a minute's monologue they rang + off in disgust.</p> + + <p>Yet in spite of all difficulties the vogue of Chockchaw + swept through the Corps. It is such a ripe, rich, + full-flavoured irresistible concoction. Disadvantages there + are, of course, but, on the other hand, if you want to be + quiet, it is easy to lure the unsuspecting intruder on to + Chockchaw and leave it at that. After vain efforts the poor + fellow usually creeps away like a cat with too big a bone and + chews himself back to speech round the corner. He seldom + returns, and if he does—there is always more Chockchaw. + Should he refuse it this time you can take a piece yourself and + save the trouble of answering, anyway.</p> + + <p>Chockchaw entailed more perilous chances than at first + appeared probable. Indeed at one time it looked like seriously + impeding the course of final victory.</p> + + <p>On a certain brown November day the G.S.O.2 suddenly jumped + up from his chair, ran to the Canteen cupboard, popped a piece + of Chockchaw into his mouth (because he had a difficult March + Table to make out and needed sustenance) and fell to work + whistling like an ordinary human being (who cannot whistle). + I.O. (not the gadfly, but the Intelligence Officer) dropped in + with his usual list of suspected hostile emplacements. He took + Chockchaw in case he was asked pertinent questions. He has to + be <i>so</i> careful what he gives away unofficially. He knows + so <i>much</i>. Germans try to steal his summaries to find out + what their own intentions really are. The A.D.C. dropped in for + his usual morning chat and Chockchaw. The Staff Officer R.A. + (S.O.R.A.), that inveterate sweet-guzzler, also dropped in.</p> + + <p>"Hullo, what are you fellows munching?" asked the General, + coming in muddied all over. "Give me a bit; I've had no + breakfast. What's the news, Intelligence?" (No answer) "Is that + Move Order done, by the way?" (No answer.) "Why, what + the—Good Lord, I'm <i>stuck</i>! What stuff is this + you've given me?" And there they all stood chumping in + silence.</p> + + <p>The telephone rang. The absurdity of a dumb Staff tickled + everybody. They winked their appreciation of the situation at + one another. Not to be able to say "Thank you" on being + instructed "with reference to my telegram of to-day for L/Cpl. + Plunkett read L/Cpl. Plonkett," appealed to them. Amidst the + chuckles and gluggels of all, the G.S.O.3 was obliged to lift + the receiver. Something of the seriousness of the occasion must + have communicated itself to the others, for they crowded round + him, mumbling and munching sympathetically. Speechless, the + poor fellow wrote hastily on a buff slip of paper a Name, and + passed it round. It was the name of an Excessively Resplendent + One, whose lightest word results in headlines in the less + expensive daily press.</p> + + <p>A frightful panic came over all. What—a General Staff + ceasing to function even for a minute? It was unthinkable. The + news would be flashed through to all concerned and become the + subject of conversation in ten thousand messes that evening. It + must not be. Never was there such a kneading and gnashing of + teeth. But to no purpose. You cannot hurry Chockchaw; time, and + time alone, will defeat it. The General tried to pack it all + into one cheek. Useless; to attempt to sculpture in seccotine + would have been a simpler task. The G.S.O.2 tried a frontal + swallow, but only lined his throat more and more thickly until + respiration became difficult. The S.O.R.A. nearly swallowed his + tongue. The A.D.C., having cricked his jaw in the first five + seconds, counted ten and threw up the sponge. The voice at the + telephone became louder and more insistent. Flushed, hot and + flurried, the G.S.O.3 thrust the receiver into the hands of the + G.S.O.2, who handed it on to the General, who dropped it. + Nobody spoke. Only the crackling and cackling voice could be + heard from the receiver as it hung face downwards at the end of + its cord.</p> + + <p>It was a moment demanding imagination. Naturally the + Intelligence Officer felt the responsibility. He stepped + forward, slapped the mouthpiece three times with the palm of + his hand, rang off, rang on and slapped it again. The effect at + the other end must have been horrible, but it achieved its + purpose. By the time connection had been restored and the blood + of the Signal Master demanded, the A.D.C. had cheated with a + handkerchief and was able to gasp out that the Corps Commander + would enjoy seeing the Resplendent One any time that day.</p> + + <p>Thus the honour of the General Staff was saved, the + Intelligence Officer vindicated and the vogue of Chockchaw + brought to an untimely end.</p> + + <p>"You ought," said the General severely to the + G.S.O.3—"you ought to be unstuck for bringing such stuff + into the office."</p> + + <p>"I have never wished so hard in my life, Sir, to be + unstuck," said he.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/410.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/410.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>IN THE TOWER DISTRICT.</h3>"SAY, GUV'NOR, YER MIGHT + RESERVE A COUPLE OF FIRST-CLASS DUNGEONS FOR ME AN' MY + FRIENDS ON THE NEXT RAID NIGHT." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page411" + id="page411"></a>[pg 411]</span> + + <h2>THE SUPERIOR SEX.</h2> + + <p>"You are late again," said Clara, as I entered our domestic + portal. "What is it this time?"</p> + + <p>Gently but firmly I explained the reason. A certain amount + of tact was necessary, for my wife does not care for any + remarks that appear to reflect upon her sex.</p> + + <p>"Owing to the present abnormal state of things, my dear," I + said, "our office is now almost entirely staffed by women. In + many ways this is an improvement. Their refining influence upon + the dress and deportment of the few remaining male members of + the staff is distinctly noticeable. But there are, I regret to + say, certain drawbacks. Admittedly our superiors in many + respects, in others they are not, I am afraid, equal to the + situation. Take, for instance, matters of detail where + you—I mean they—should excel. I asked Miss Philpott + to write a letter—"</p> + + <p>"Did you post that letter for me this morning?" said Clara. + "If Mrs. Roberts doesn't get it she won't know where to meet me + to-morrow."</p> + + <p>It is a woman's privilege to wander from the point at issue. + I told Clara somewhat shortly that I had posted the letter, + although naturally I did not remember doing so. A man who has + hundreds of petty details to deal with every day, as I have, + develops an automatic memory—a subconscious mechanism + which never fails him.</p> + + <p>I explained this to Clara. "Not once in five thousand times + would it allow me to pass the pillar-box with an unposted + letter in my pocket. Perhaps it is the vivid red—"</p> + + <p>"And perhaps your vivid imagination," said my wife. "Well, I + am glad you posted the letter, for Mrs. Roberts, as you know, + never received the one you posted ten days ago."</p> + + <p>"I took that matter up very firmly with the local + postmaster," I said. "He explained to me that letters are now + almost entirely sorted and delivered by women, and he was + afraid mistakes sometimes happened. And just to satisfy you + about this last one, which I put as usual in my breast pocket + at the back of my other papers—" I produced the contents + of my pocket. As I expected the letter was not there.</p> + + <p>"Why do you carry so many papers in your pocket? What are + they all about?"</p> + + <p>"Candidly, my dear, I do not know. Without the element of + surprise life would be unbearably monotonous. That element I + deliberately carry with me in my breast pocket. When a dull + moment comes I empty my pockets. It would surprise + you—"</p> + + <p>"Nothing you do surprises me," said Clara. "Now go upstairs, + please, and make yourself tidy. Have a dull moment—not + more than one, for dinner is nearly ready—and get rid of + those papers."</p> + + <p>Although my wife has not a logical process of thought, at + times she makes sensible remarks. I took her advice. As I + anticipated I had some surprises.</p> + + <p>A few important business memoranda, a sugar form, two income + tax demands, a number of private letters and an unpaid coal + account made up the collection. There was really nothing I + could part with. Luckily I found two duplicates of the coal + account. These I could spare. As I opened one of them Mrs. + Roberts's letter fell out of it.</p> + + <p>I had just time to catch the post. I managed to reach the + front-door unobserved. My wife opened the dining-room window to + tell me that dinner was ready. I told her I had forgotten to + post a very important business letter.</p> + + <p>"A most unusual occurrence," I said.</p> + + <p>"Mary can post it for you. Dinner's on the table." Clara + extended her hand for the letter. I explained that it was so + very important that I could not even trust Mary.</p> + + <p>"Mary's sex is, of course, against her," said my wife, "but + I'll tell her to hold the letter out at arm's length. You can + see her all the way from the window and watch her put it in the + pillar-box."</p> + + <p>A little candour is sometimes necessary.</p> + + <p>"Strangely enough," I said, "the five-thousandth chance has + come off. It is true the letter is important, but the business + is yours, and the letter is addressed to Mrs. Roberts. I forgot + to post it this morning."</p> + + <p>"I know you did," said Clara. "You left it behind, and I + posted it myself."</p> + + <p>Here I saw that I was going to score. "Then what is this?" I + asked in triumph.</p> + + <p>"This," said Clara, taking it from me, "is the letter you + forgot to post ten days ago."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/411.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/411.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Mrs. Judkins</i> (<i>beating up + against the draught in the Tube</i>). "THANK GOODNESS + WE SHAN'T 'AVE NO AIR-RAID TO-NIGHT, MRS. 'ARRIS. IT + SEEMS TO BE BLOWIN' UP NICELY FOR RAIN." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page412" + id="page412"></a>[pg 412]</span> + + <h2>TO "MARTIN ROSS."</h2> + + <h4>(<i>After reading "Irish Memories</i>.")</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Two Irish cousins greet us here</p> + + <p class="i2">From BUSHE "the silver-tongued" + descended,</p> + + <p>Whose lives for close on thirty year</p> + + <p class="i2">Were indistinguishably blended;</p> + + <p>Scorning the rule that holds for cooks,</p> + + <p class="i2">They pooled their brains and joined their + forces,</p> + + <p>And wrote a dozen gorgeous books</p> + + <p class="i2">On men and women, hounds and horses.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They superseded <i>Handley Cross</i>;</p> + + <p class="i2">They glorified the "hunting fever;"</p> + + <p>They purged their pages of the dross,</p> + + <p class="i2">While bettering the fun, of LEVER;</p> + + <p>With many a priceless turn of phrase</p> + + <p class="i2">They stirred us to Homeric laughter,</p> + + <p>When painting Ireland in the days</p> + + <p class="i2">Before Sinn Fein bewitched and "strafed" + her.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>With them we watched good <i>Major Yeates</i></p> + + <p class="i2">Contending with litigious peasants,</p> + + <p>With "hidden hands" within his gates,</p> + + <p class="i2">With claims for foxes and for + pheasants;</p> + + <p>We saw <i>Leigh Kelway</i> drop his chin—</p> + + <p class="i2">That precious English + super-tripper—</p> + + <p>In shocked amazement drinking in</p> + + <p class="i2">The lurid narrative of + <i>Slipper</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Philippa's</i> piercing peacock squeals,</p> + + <p class="i2">Uttered in moments of expansion;</p> + + <p>The grime and splendour of the meals</p> + + <p class="i2">Of <i>Mrs. Knox</i> and of her + mansion;</p> + + <p>The secrets of horse-coping lore,</p> + + <p class="i2">The loves of <i>Sally</i> and of + <i>Flurry</i>—</p> + + <p>All these delights and hundreds more</p> + + <p class="i2">Are not forgotten in a hurry.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yet the same genial pens that freight</p> + + <p class="i2">Our memories with joyous magic</p> + + <p>Gave us the tale of <i>Francie's</i> fate—</p> + + <p class="i2">So vulgar, lovable and tragic;</p> + + <p>Just to the land that gave them birth</p> + + <p class="i2">They showed her smiling, sad and + sullen,</p> + + <p>And turning from the paths of mirth</p> + + <p class="i2">Probed the dark soul of <i>Charlotte + Mullen</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Alas! the tie, so close, so dear,</p> + + <p class="i2">Two years ago death rent asunder;</p> + + <p>Hushed is the voice so gay and clear</p> + + <p class="i2">Which moved us once to joy and + wonder;</p> + + <p>Yet, though they chronicle a loss</p> + + <p class="i2">Whose pang no lapse of time assuages,</p> + + <p>The spirit of brave "MARTIN ROSS"</p> + + <p class="i2">Shines like a star throughout these + pages.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Here in her letters may one trace</p> + + <p class="i2">The generous scorn, the gentle pity,</p> + + <p>The easy unaffected grace,</p> + + <p class="i2">The wisdom that was always witty;</p> + + <p>Here, mirrored in a sister soul,</p> + + <p class="i2">One sees the comrade, strong yet + tender,</p> + + <p>Who marched unfaltering to her goal</p> + + <p class="i2">Through sacrifice and self-surrender.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE FOOD OF THE FAMOUS.</h2> + + <p>The publication of Lord RHONDDA'S daily menu will, we hope, + lead other prominent people who are striving to follow his good + example to divulge the details of their dietary. But in case + their natural modesty may prevent them from doing so, Mr. Punch + ventures to supply a few unauthorised particulars.</p> + + <p>The source of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S boundless energy has long + been a mystery. It is now known to be derived from a raw leek + eaten on rising, and a dinner of Welsh rabbit, made from a + modicum of Government cheese and half a slice of war bread.</p> + + <p>With Mr. BONAR LAW all meals are oatmeals. A plate of + porridge at daybreak, bannocks slightly margarined, when + possible, for lunch, and a stiff cup of gruel just after + Question time keep him alert and smiling.</p> + + <p>Thanks to the Spartan habits formed during his connection + with both services, belt-tightening has no terrors for Mr. + WINSTON CHURCHILL. A quid of Navy tobacco suffices for + breakfast, and his only other meal consists of a slice of bully + beef with a hard biscuit served on an inverted + packing-case.</p> + + <p>The wild rumours recently current as to the amount of + nutriment required for the upkeep of Mr. G.K. CHESTERTON have + now been happily set at rest. The needful calories for + twenty-four hours of his strenuous existence are supplied by + two cups of cocoa, a shred of dried toast, a Brazil nut, a + glass of sodawater and a grilled banana.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"In one case the good cows from one herd had an average + production of 9,592 lbs. milk, and 406 lbs. of fat, while + the poor cows had a production of only 3,098 lbs. of milk + and 119 lbs. of tea."—<i>Farming News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Give us the poor cows every time.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From a Church paper:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"'EARLY CHRISTIANS.' I am sorry you cannot get these + from the Army and Navy Stores."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It sounds like the old tiger story.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A certain company commander, looking out of his + quarters, saw several Germans in possession of a dump not + far away. Although still in his sleeping clothes, he seized + his trench tick and rushed towards them. Why they did not + fire upon him is one of those little mysteries which will + probably never be explained."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Unless by the learned author of <i>Minor Horrors of War</i>, + who knows all about the fauna of the trenches.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE PERFECT CUSTOMER.</h2> + + <p>It was a very ordinary country sale of work. The Countess of + Bilberry declared it open in a neat little speech, and then + bought generously from every stall: her daughter, whose smile + nobody could resist, did a fine trade with raffle tickets for + the record pumpkin produced by the local allotments: Mrs. Dodd, + the Rector's wife, presided over a pair of scales and a + strictly rationed tea, and all the rest of the village sold + vegetables and socks and pincushions, and tried to pretend that + antimacassars and shaving tidies and woolwork waistbelts were + the most desirable things in the world when they were made by + wounded men at the nearest Red Cross Hospital, in whose aid the + sale was held.</p> + + <p>But there was one unique figure amongst all the folk who + knew each other, and each other's clothes, and each other's + clothes' cost, so well. She arrived at the Village Hall in a + pony-carriage, drawn by the ugliest little pony that ever + sniffed oats. She was very quietly and very tastefully dressed, + and, instead of concentrating on the well-laden stalls of + garden produce or the orderly stacks of knitted comforts, or + the really useful baskets, she went straight to the stall which + even Mrs. Dodd, who had the kindest heart in the countryside, + had been compelled to relegate to a dark corner. There was + woolwork run riot over cushions of incredible hardness; there + were candle-shades guaranteed to catch alight at the mere sight + of a match; there were crochet dressing-table mats, and there + was a three-legged stool on which even a fairy could not have + sat without danger of a break-down.</p> + + <p>The youngest Miss Dodd, a severely practical young lady of + sixteen, who was presiding at this stall, jumped up in surprise + at the sight of a customer, and in doing so knocked over a + glass box bound with red and white and blue ribbon, with + "Handkerchiefs" painted across the corner in a design of + forget-me-nots. There was very little glass box left when she + picked it up, and the splinters had made a good many little + craters in the surface of a big bowl of clotted cream, labelled + "Positively the last appearance for the Duration of the War," + which was at the corner of the next stall.</p> + + <p>The little stranger said that she would take the box and the + damaged cream too; she bought a whole family of crochet mats + with centres of orange woollen loops; three pincushions made of + playing cards discharged as no longer fit for active service; a + table-centre with pen-painting of the Allied flags, and a + letter-case with the badges of the + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page413" + id="page413"></a>[pg 413]</span> Dominions worked in wool + and "Across the sea, A letter from thee," straggling wearily + across one corner. Then there was an antimacassar in purple + and magenta sateen, with yellow daffodils making a brave + attempt to flourish in unlikely surroundings.</p> + + <p>At the next stall she bought a photograph frame which had + lost its prop in an unequal contest with a tea-tray which had + collapsed from the heartiness of the Rector's clapping at the + conclusion of the Countess's speech; and a Noah's Ark from + which the star performer and his very best beasts had somehow + disappeared.</p> + + <p>Then the little lady paused before the live-stock stall.</p> + + <p>"There isn't anything really hideous here," she murmured to + herself; "but I think that puppy—it's never had its tail + cut, and nobody will ever know whether it's a sealyham, a + spaniel or even a dash of a setter—I will take the puppy, + please," she added, "as soon as I've had some tea. After that I + will see what is left. You have such nice things."</p> + + <p>After tea she went back to the youngest Miss Dodd and + collected a few more of the more glaring atrocities, paid her + bills, and then went off to her pony-carriage; the youngest + Miss Dodd, very much inclined to giggle, bearing armfuls of odd + purchases in her wake, crowned by the bowl of cream and the + mongrel pup. She handed them in and was just going away when + the little old lady pressed a piece of paper into her hand.</p> + + <p>"I don't like to worry people," she said gently, "but if you + have time you might read this. It has been a great opportunity + to-day; I don't often find so much to be done—and I shall + love the puppy."</p> + + <p>The youngest Miss Dodd watched the start of the ugly pony + with a snigger and then went back into the lighted hall to read + the pamphlet. It was a touching little document—many + people know it well—and the youngest Miss Dodd, who had + never been known to sentimentalize over anything before, blew + her nose rather violently when she had read it.</p> + + <p>"Bless her dear little soul!" she said to herself: "I don't + wonder that pup was trying to kiss her. I only hope she won't + try to eat that cream with the glass in it, or give it to the + pup." For the pamphlet was the Rules for Membership and a + treatise on the Objects and Methods of the "Society for Buying + What Nobody Wants."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>More Profiteering.</h3> + + <p>"Beautiful champagne broche silk crepe de chine blouse; open + neck; one button; cost 2<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i>; accept + 15<i>s.</i>"—<i>The Lady</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/413.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/413.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>INEFFICIENCY IN THE NAVY.</h3> + + <p><i>First Bluejacket</i>. "HULLO, MATE, I THOUGHT YOU WAS + ASHORE WITH THE CAPTAIN, PLAYING GOLF."</p> + + <p><i>Second Bluejacket</i>. "WELL, SO I WAS. IT'S LIKE + THIS 'ERE. 'E GIVES ME 'IS STICKS TO CARRY, AND THEN TAKES + ONE AND PUTS A LI'L WHITE BALL ON TOP OF A BIT O' SAND AND, + MY WORD! HE CATCHES THAT BALL A FAIR SWIPE. MUST 'A' GONE + MILES. THEN 'E TURNS TO ME AND SEZ, 'DID YER SEE WHERE THAT + WENT TO?' SO I SEZ, SMART LIKE, 'OUT O' SIGHT FROM THE + MOMENT OF HIMPACT, SIR,' AN' 'E SEZ, 'GO BACK ON BOARD, YE + BLINKIN' FATHEAD!'"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>CONVERSIONS.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There was an exuberant flapper</p> + + <p>Who made people anxious to slap her;</p> + + <p class="i2">She uttered loud squeals</p> + + <p class="i2">And she smoked at all meals;</p> + + <p>Now she's married an elderly sapper.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There was a mild don who was muddy</p> + + <p>In mind and complexion by study;</p> + + <p class="i2">Now he flies fast and far,</p> + + <p class="i2">With a cross and a bar,</p> + + <p>And his face and his language are ruddy.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"BRITISH FRONT REINFORCED.</p> + + <p>"BY PERCIVAL PHILLIPS."</p> + + <p><i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Intrepid fellows, our war correspondents. What a pity there + are so few of them!</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A long, keen dagger will be supplied to every American + infantryman going to France. This weapon will be fitted + into one of the fighting men's leggings when he goes into + action, so he will have something to fall back on should + his bayonet fail."—<i>Canadian Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>If he's going to fall back on it, we hope the sharp end + won't be at the top.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page414" + id="page414"></a>[pg 414]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/414.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/414.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>The Sub.</i> "I SAY, SERGEANT-MAJOR, DO YOU REALISE + THAT THAT CHAP WITH THE BARROW IS A MEMBER OF AN + ARCHÆOLOGICAL SOCIETY?"</p> + + <p><i>The Sergeant-Major</i>. "WELL, SIR, 'E MAY BE WHAT + YOU SAY. PERSONALLY I'VE ALWAYS FOUND 'IM QUIET AND + WELL-BE'AVED."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE CLYDE-BUILT CLIPPER.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Many of the fast-sailing clippers which were making + fine passages in the Australian wool trade in the + 'seventies and onwards were laid up or turned into hulks + before the War. Recently, however, several have been + re-fitted for sea and are once more doing good + service.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A ship there was, and she went to sea</p> + + <p class="i2">(Away O, my Clyde-built clipper!)</p> + + <p>In eighteen hundred and seventy-three,</p> + + <p>Fine in the lines and keen in the bow,</p> + + <p>The way they've forgotten to build 'em now:</p> + + <p>Lofty masted and heavily sparred,</p> + + <p>With stunsail booms to every yard,</p> + + <p>And flying kites both high and low</p> + + <p>To catch the wands when they did blow</p> + + <p class="i2">(And away, my Clyde-built clipper!).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fastest ship on the Colonies run—</p> + + <p class="i2">(Away O, my racing clipper!)</p> + + <p>That was her when her time begun;</p> + + <p>Sixteen knots she could easily do,</p> + + <p>And thirteen knots on a bowline too;</p> + + <p>She could show her heels to anything made</p> + + <p>With sky-sails set in a favouring trade,</p> + + <p>Or when she was running her easting down</p> + + <p>From London River to Hobart Town</p> + + <p class="i2">(And away, my racing clipper!).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Old shellbacks knew her near and far</p> + + <p class="i2">(Away O, my old-time clipper!)</p> + + <p>From Circular Quay to Mersey Bar,</p> + + <p>And many a thundering lie they told</p> + + <p>About her runs in the days of old;</p> + + <p>But the time did come and the time did go,</p> + + <p>And she grew old as we all must grow,</p> + + <p>And the most of her gear was carried away</p> + + <p>When caught aback in a gale one day</p> + + <p class="i2">(And away, my old-time clipper!).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Her masts were sprung from fore to mizen</p> + + <p class="i2">(Away O, my poor old clipper!)</p> + + <p>And freights was poor and dues had risen,</p> + + <p>And there warn't no sense in rigging her new,</p> + + <p>So they laid her up for a year or two;</p> + + <p>And there they left her, and there she lay,</p> + + <p>And there she might have been laying to-day,</p> + + <p>But when cargoes are many and ships are few</p> + + <p>A ship's a ship be she old or new</p> + + <p class="i2">(And away, my poor old clipper!).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So in nineteen hundred and seventeen</p> + + <p class="i2">(Away O, my brave old clipper!)</p> + + <p>They've rigged her new and they've scraped her + clean</p> + + <p>And sent her to sea in time of war</p> + + <p>To sail the seas as she sailed before.</p> + + <p>And in nineteen hundred and seventeen</p> + + <p>She's the same good ship as she's always been;</p> + + <p>Her ribs are as staunch and her hull's as sound</p> + + <p>As any you'd find the wide world round</p> + + <p class="i2">(And away, my brave old clipper!).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The same as they were when she went to sea</p> + + <p class="i2">(Away O, my Clyde-built clipper!)</p> + + <p>In eighteen hundred and seventy-three,</p> + + <p>Fine in the lines and keen in the bow,</p> + + <p>The way they've forgotten to build 'em now;</p> + + <p>Lofty masted and heavily sparred,</p> + + <p>With stunsail booms to every yard,</p> + + <p>And flying kites both high and low</p> + + <p>To catch the winds when they did blow—</p> + + <p class="i2">(And away, my Clyde-built clipper!).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>C.F.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page415" + id="page415"></a>[pg 415]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/415.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/415.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE LAST CRUSADE.</h3>COEUR-DE-LION (<i>looking down on + the Holy City</i>). "MY DREAM COMES TRUE!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page416" + id="page416"></a>[pg 416]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday, December 10th</i>.—One would gather from + the hoardings that the Government wished to encourage the sale + of War Bonds by every possible means. Yet the CHANCELLOR OF THE + EXCHEQUER threw cold water on the efforts of certain firms to + increase the sale by the offer of cash prizes, and thought it + undesirable that this inducement should be imitated. The + advocates of Premium Bonds were a little depressed by this + announcement, but cheered up somewhat on observing that the + conscientious CHANCELLOR has no intention of refusing the + millions already raked into the Treasury by these "schemes of + doubtful legality."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/416-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/416-1.png" + alt="" /></a>THE BAD BOYS OF BROMPTON AND OXFORD + STREETS. + </div> + + <p>On the vote for an increase of fifty thousand men for the + Navy Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT solemnly announced that the Admiralty + was "fumbling with a magnificent weapon." It is distressing to + think that a body which for nearly ten years enjoyed his + services as Civil Lord should have deteriorated so rapidly + since he left it.</p> + + <p>Mr. LYNCH does not think much of the new scheme for securing + unity of effort among the Allies. He called it "the analogue of + the Aulic Council" (pronounced "Owlic," to give more effect to + the description).</p> + + <p>The Chequers Estate Bill passed through all its stages amid + a chorus of praise, despite the injunction of the generous + donors that there should be "no flowers."</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, December 11th</i>.—After all, London is to + have the BARNARD statue, despite the protest of Lord CHARNWOOD, + LINCOLN'S latest biographer, that it is not a portrait of his + hero, but of a man whose only connection with the PRESIDENT was + that he was born in the same neighbourhood. Against this Lord + WEARDALE quoted Mr. ROOSEVELT'S description of the statue as + "the Lincoln we all knew and loved." As Mr. ROOSEVELT had + reached the mature age of six when LINCOLN was assassinated the + COMMISSIONER OF WORKS seems to have regarded his testimony as + conclusive.</p> + + <p>At the request of Mr. KING the Peers are to be allowed to + listen to the secret debates of the Commons, if any of them + desire to do so. The hon. Member having expressed a hope that + the Peers would grant reciprocal facilities to the Commons, Mr. + HOGGE kindly suggested that the Government should grant him + "all the privileges of the House of Lords." But Mr. BONAR LAW + declined to deprive the House of Commons in that way of one of + its brightest ornaments; so the "Mad Hatter" will not be called + upon just yet awhile to exchange his traditional headgear for a + coronet.</p> + + <p>I presume some Members of Parliament know what "non-ferrous + metals" are, and what is the object of the Bill which the + Government has introduced to deal with them. But the views + which they took on the subject were so obscurely divergent that + all I could gather from the debate was that in some way or + other the measure was intended to be a nasty knock for German + trade. That was good enough for the House at large, which + passed the Second Reading by a substantial majority.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/416-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/416-2.png" + alt="" /></a>A HORRIBLE MENACE.<br /> + MR. JOSEPH KING. + </div> + + <p><i>Wednesday, December 12th</i>.—Mr. PRINGLE, having + asserted that candidates for appointments under the War Office + were successful simply on account of possessing a "pull" with + the Selection Department, was quietly reminded by the + UNDER-SECRETARY that he himself had attempted to use his + influence on behalf of a candidate. Mr. PRINGLE was righteously + indignant. He had never asked favours of the War Office; he had + merely "recommended men personally known to me." This delicate + distinction, which should have convinced Members of Mr. + PRINGLE'S disinterestedness, only made them laugh.</p> + + <p>On the Vote of Credit for 550 millions the CHANCELLOR OF THE + EXCHEQUER was invited by Mr. DILLON to make a survey of the + military situation. He replied that all the relevant facts were + known already. "The War is going on; the Government and the + country intend it shall go on; and money is necessary to make + it go on." It is, perhaps, a pity that he did not content + himself with this epitome and refuse to be drawn into a + discussion of the recent operations near Cambrai. What has Mr. + DILLON done to promote the prosecution of the War that he + should receive special consideration?</p> + + <p>There was a renewed discussion of the censorship of + pamphlets. Sir GEORGE CAVE ably defended the regulations, but + did not convince everyone that his preference for confiscation + over prosecution was entirely sound. The idea that the + publishers of these pamphlets would welcome advertisement is + probably erroneous, or why was it necessary to insist that they + should put their names to them?</p> + + <p>Mr. SPENCER HUGHES'S humorous attack upon the CENSOR was + much applauded on the Liberal benches. Some of the more + brilliant passages would have received even wider appreciation + if a good many Members had not heard them a week before from + the lips of Mr. AUGUSTINE BIRRELL at a non-political + luncheon.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, December 13th</i>.—Lord BERESFORD charged + the PRIME MINISTER with having two voices, like + <i>Caliban's</i> monster. Lord CURZON flatly declined to accept + the suggestion that Cabinet Ministers were collectively + responsible for one another's speeches—"they had far more + serious things to think of." The phrase seems a + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page417" + id="page417"></a>[pg 417]</span> little depreciatory, but as + Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, according to his candid colleague, is + "constitutionally an optimist" he will no doubt make the + best of it.</p> + + <p>Mr. HOUSTON was informed that sweets "for military, naval or + civil consumption" were still being imported, but that the + Ministry of Shipping made no special provision for their + carriage. No one, therefore, need grudge Sir ERIC GEDDES the + lozenge which he so ostentatiously popped into his mouth just + before making his speech on Admiralty administration, or + inquire too curiously whether it was consumed by him in his + capacity of Major-General, Vice-Admiral or Civilian + Minister.</p> + + <p>Despite the warning of the SPEAKER that it was not in the + national interest to embarrass the Administration, Mr. KING + insisted on trying to discuss forbidden topics. At last Lord + ROBERT CECIL "espied strangers," and we must assume that, + without the vivifying presence of the reporters, Mr. KING'S + oratory wilted, for an hour afterwards the House was up.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/417.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/417.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Polite Stranger</i>. "EXCUSE MY TURNING MY BACK UPON + YOU, SIR."</p> + + <p><i>Curmudgeon</i>. "SIR, I KNOW OF NO OBLIGATION ON YOUR + PART TO LOOK AT ME."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>The Reward of Patriotism.</h3> + + <p>"Major —— has placed the mansion at the disposal + of the War Office, and will be in charge of Sister + ——."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THINGS OVERHEARD IN WAR-TIME.</h2> + + <p>"There couldn't be room there for <i>all</i> the Jews, could + there?"</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"After waiting two hours I got half-a-pound."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"It should be made compulsory."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Wherever else these matches strike, they won't strike on + the box."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"I just turned over and went to sleep again."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"I wish the Government would tell <i>me</i> what I could do + for them."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Oh, another three years."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"What puzzles me is—Where is the paper shortage?"</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"We keep a gramophone in the basement now."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"No one is more willing than I am to do something."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"It's the children's festival—that's what I always + say."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HERBS OF GRACE.</h2> + + <h3>IX.</h3> + + <h3>PENNYROYAL.—A CAROL.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>"Far away in Sicily!"—</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>A home-come sailor sang this + rhyme,</i></p> + + <p><i>Deep in an ingle, mug on knee,</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>At Christmas time.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In Sicily, as I was told,</p> + + <p class="i2">The children take them Pennyroyal,</p> + + <p>The same as lurks on hill and wold</p> + + <p class="i2">In Cotsall soil.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Pennyroyal of grace divine</p> + + <p class="i2">In little cradles they do + weave—</p> + + <p>Little cradles therewith they line</p> + + <p class="i2">On Christmas Eve.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And there, as midnight bells awake</p> + + <p class="i2">The Day of Birth, as they do tell,</p> + + <p>All into bud the small plants break</p> + + <p class="i2">With sweetest smell.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All into bud that very hour;</p> + + <p class="i2">And pure and clean, as they do say,</p> + + <p>The Pennyroyal's full in flower</p> + + <p class="i2">On Christmas Day.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Far away in Sicily!—</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Hark, the Christmas bells do + chime!</i></p> + + <p><i>So blossom love in thee and me</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>This Christmas time!</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>W.B.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page418" + id="page418"></a>[pg 418]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/418.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/418.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Lady</i> (<i>to uniformed friend</i>). + "I SHOULDN'T A BIT MIND WEARING UNIFORM IF ONLY ONE + COULD CHOOSE ONE'S OWN COLOURS AT THE WAR OFFICE." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE V.C.</h2> + + <p>My cousin Agatha has been a bad correspondent ever since she + married my old friend, George Thimblewell, which means for the + past five-and-twenty years, so in ordinary circumstances I do + not expect more from her than a "hasty line" to tell me how the + youngsters are doing (George, of course, never writes at all). + But I must say I was surprised and not a little hurt when, in + the skimpy margin of a letter dealing mainly with the + difficulty of devising breakfast-dishes, she scribbled in the + most casual manner conceivable, "George has got the V.C. at + last."</p> + + <p>George, my dear old school-chum, with the V.C., and his wife + tells me of it as casually as if it had been a gumboil! I sat + with her letter before me and looked back through the years, + seeing us two—George and myself—as we were long + before Agatha even knew him. Had I not fostered the yearning + for heroic deeds in his young bosom? Was it not possible, nay + probable, that the influence of his boyhood's companion had + helped to mould his character and prepare it for this glorious + if belated achievement? Upon my word it seemed to me that I + myself might well take a certain amount of credit for that + decoration. And here was his wife mentioning it as though she + scarcely expected me to be interested. Never a date, never a + detail.</p> + + <p>I was so ruffled that I decided, since she vouchsafed no + information, to ask for none, as became a man with proper + pride. I adopted a semi-jocular vein to meet the case.</p> + + <p>"I have known your V.C. longer than you have, Agatha," I + wrote, "and am as pleased and proud as you can be. The strong + silent type—you can rely upon them. Quiet and + domesticated, requiring little attention, helpful about the + house, undemonstrative perhaps, but all the time ready for the + most desperate emergency. Let me know when George is to be at + home, and I shall come to dinner and hear all about it."</p> + + <p>As I sealed my note it occurred to me that George must be + the first special constable to win the Cross, and I felt a glow + of satisfaction to realise that we must now be eligible for + that most glorious of all decorations.</p> + + <p>A few days later came another note from Agatha, about + sugar-cards this time, but with a postscript which said, "It + isn't like you to chaff me, James. I don't see that there is + anything particularly funny about George having got the Vacuum + Cleaner which he promised me long ago."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>BIG GAME.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"General Allenby reports that Budrus and Sheikh Obeid + Rahid, to the north of Midieh, were captured by Gurkhas, 50 + Tanks being killed and 10 taken + prisoners."—<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Ruler wanted, experienced, male or female (male + preferred); wages according to ability; removal assistance; + away from raid area; permanency to suitable + applicant."—<i>Eastern Daily Press</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This might suit the KAISER, when Sir DOUGLAS HAIG has + provided the necessary "removal assistance."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"WHERE EX-TSAR KEEPS HIS GLOOMY COURT.</p> + + <p>"Built mostly of wood, the Imperial family occupies a + brick mansion."—<i>News of the World</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We are intended to infer, presumably, that if the Imperial + Family had been constructed of stouter material it might still + be in the Winter Palace.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page419" + id="page419"></a>[pg 419]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/419.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/419.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Motor Driver</i>. "NAH, THEN, WHERE'S YOUR REAR + LIGHT?"</p> + + <p><i>Countryman</i>. "NOW, THEN, YE OWD ZEPPERLEEN, DO YE + THINK I'M GOING TO SHOW YE WHERE I BE?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO THE REGIMENT.</h2> + + <h3>A CHRISTMAS MESSAGE.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So Christmas comes and finds you yet in + Flanders,</p> + + <p class="i2">And all is mud and messiness and + sleet,</p> + + <p>And men have temperatures and horses glanders,</p> + + <p class="i2">And Brigadiers have trouble with their + feet,</p> + + <p>And life is bad for Company-Commanders,</p> + + <p class="i2">And even Thomas's is not so sweet.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now cooks for kindlewood would give great + riches,</p> + + <p class="i2">And in the dixies the pale stew + congeals,</p> + + <p>And ration-parties are not free from hitches,</p> + + <p class="i2">But all night circle like performing + seals,</p> + + <p>Till morning breaks and everybody pitches</p> + + <p class="i2">Into a hole some other person's + meals.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now regiments huddle over last week's ashes</p> + + <p class="i2">And pray for coal and sedulously + "rest,"</p> + + <p>Where rain and wind contemn the empty sashes,</p> + + <p class="i2">And blue lips frame the faint heroic + jest,</p> + + <p>Till some near howitzer goes off and smashes</p> + + <p class="i2">The only window that the town + possessed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yet somehow Christmas in your souls is stirring,</p> + + <p class="i2">And Colonels now less viciously + upbraid</p> + + <p>Their Transport Officers, however erring,</p> + + <p class="i2">And sudden signals issue from Brigade</p> + + <p>To say next Tuesday Christmas is occurring,</p> + + <p class="i2">And what arrangements have Battalions + made?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And then, maybe, while everyone discusses</p> + + <p class="i2">On what rich foods their dear commands + shall dine,</p> + + <p>And (most efficiently) the Padre fusses</p> + + <p class="i2">About the birds, the speeches and the + wine—</p> + + <p>The Corps-Commander sends a fleet of 'buses</p> + + <p class="i2">To whisk you off to Christmas in the + line.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You make no moan, nor hint at how you're faring,</p> + + <p class="i2">And here in turn we try to hide our + woe,</p> + + <p>With taxis mutinous, and Tubes so wearing,</p> + + <p class="i2">And who can tell where all the matches + go?</p> + + <p>And all our doors and windows want repairing,</p> + + <p class="i2">But can we get a man to mend them? + No.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The dustman visits not; we can't get castor;</p> + + <p class="i2">In vain are parlour-maids and plumbers + sought,</p> + + <p>And human intellect can scarcely master</p> + + <p class="i2">The time when beer may lawfully be + bought,</p> + + <p>Or calculate how cash can go much faster,</p> + + <p class="i2">And if one's butcher's acting as he + ought.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Our old indulgences are now not cricket;</p> + + <p class="i2">Whate'er one does <i>some</i> Minister + will cuss;</p> + + <p>In Tube and Tram young ladies punch one's + ticket,</p> + + <p class="i2">With whom one can't be cross or + querulous;</p> + + <p>All things are different, but still we stick it,</p> + + <p class="i2">And humbly hope we help a little + thus.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So, Fellow-sufferers, we give you + greeting—</p> + + <p class="i2">All luck, all laughter and an end of + wars!</p> + + <p>And just to strengthen you for Fritz's beating,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm sending out a parcel from the + Stores;</p> + + <p><i>They mean to stop my annual over-eating,</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>But it will comfort me to think of + yours.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A.P.H.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page420" + id="page420"></a>[pg 420]</span> + + <h2>THE BANK'S MISTAKE.</h2> + + <p>"I wish," said Francesca, "you would explain something to + me."</p> + + <p>"I am full," I said, "of explanations of every conceivable + difficulty. You have only to tap me and an explanation will + come bubbling out."</p> + + <p>"I am not sure that I want the bubbling sort. On the whole I + think I prefer the still waters that run deep."</p> + + <p>"Those too can be provided for you. All you have got to do + is to ask."</p> + + <p>"What a comfort it is," she said, "to live constantly in the + mild and magnificent eye of an encyclopædia."</p> + + <p>"Yes," I said, "it saves a lot of running about, doesn't it? + Come now, fire off your question."</p> + + <p>"What is your opinion of the Bank of England?"</p> + + <p>"The Bank of England?" I gasped. "One doesn't have opinions + of the Bank of England. One just accepts it, you know, and + there you are."</p> + + <p>"Yes," she said, "that's exactly what I felt about it. I + thought it was one of the signs of our superiority to everybody + else, with its crisp banknotes and all that."</p> + + <p>"You mustn't forget its detachment of the Guards to protect + it. Many's the good dinner I've had with the officer of the + Bank Guard in the old days."</p> + + <p>"I'm afraid that leaves me cold, not being able to take part + in it."</p> + + <p>"If it gave me pleasure to dine at the Bank, I should have + thought the subject would have interested you."</p> + + <p>"Well, it wasn't exactly what I wanted to consult you + about."</p> + + <p>"What was it then?" I said. "You know you mustn't cast + doubts on the financial stability of the Bank. You'll be put in + prison if you do."</p> + + <p>"I shouldn't dream of doing anything of the sort."</p> + + <p>"Come, then, be quick about it. This suspense is making me + tremble for my War Loan Bonds."</p> + + <p>"Is the Bank," said Francesca, "a generous institution?"</p> + + <p>"Banks," I said, "cannot afford to be generous. They are + just and accurate and there's an end of it."</p> + + <p>"The Bank of England," she said, "being so great, is an + exception to the rule. Anyhow, it has been generous to me, for + it has given me one hundred pounds."</p> + + <p>"Do you mean," I cried, "one hundred pounds that don't + belong to you?"</p> + + <p>"Of course I do. If they had belonged to me there wouldn't + have been anything to make a fuss about."</p> + + <p>"This," I said, "is one of the most breathless things ever + known. A mere woman, who is unskilled in finance and has only + the dimmest recollection of the rule of three and compound + interest, gets the better of the greatest banking institution + in the world to the tune of one hundred pounds. It's + incredible. Of course you've made a mistake."</p> + + <p>"That's right," she said. "Always go against your wife and + think her wrong, even when it is only an institution that she's + contending with."</p> + + <p>"It's precisely because it is an institution that I doubt + your statement."</p> + + <p>"You're not very helpful; you don't tell me whether I'm to + sit down under the burden of owning one hundred pounds of the + bank's money that doesn't belong to me."</p> + + <p>"Francesca," I said, "you must calm yourself and tell me as + clearly as possible how you came into possession of this extra + hundred pounds which is apparently burning a hole in your + pocket—if indeed you have a pocket, which I doubt."</p> + + <p>"You're quite wrong; I've got two pockets in the dress I'm + wearing at this moment."</p> + + <p>"I will not," I said, "discuss with you the number of your + pockets. Now tell me your pathetic story. I am all ears."</p> + + <p>"Well," said Francesca, "it's this way. I put one hundred + pounds in the old War Loan, and then Exchequer Bonds came + along, and I put one hundred pounds of my very best savings + into them, and then came the new Five per Cent. War Loan, and + somehow or other I got converted into that. And after that + there was what they called a broken amount, which I brought up + to fifty pounds or a multiple of fifty pounds. That cost me + about forty pounds. I don't know why they wanted me to do it or + why I did it."</p> + + <p>"Probably they thought it would be easier for the Bank."</p> + + <p>"That's paltry; easiness ought to have nothing to do with + it."</p> + + <p>"Anyhow," I said, "I make out from your statement that you + ought to have two hundred and fifty pounds of Five per Cent. + Stock to your credit."</p> + + <p>"Precisely," said Francesca impressively, "but yesterday + morning I received from the bank a dividend thing—"</p> + + <p>"You may call it a warrant," I said.</p> + + <p>"A dividend warrant," continued Francesca, "for eight pounds + fifteen shillings on <i>three</i> hundred and fifty pounds, so + what have you got to say now for your precious Bank of + England?"</p> + + <p>"Your tale," I said, "has interested me strangely, but there + is one point you omitted to mention."</p> + + <p>"I am innocent, my Lord," said Francesca. "I have told you + the truth."</p> + + <p>"But not the whole truth, prisoner at the bar. Don't you + remember that when the new Loan came out you borrowed money + from me in order to take up one hundred pounds of it?"</p> + + <p>"Is <i>that</i> it?" said Francesca. "No, I hadn't + remembered that."</p> + + <p>"Of course," I said, "a financial magnate like yourself + would easily forget so wretched a sum; but the Bank has done no + wrong."</p> + + <p>"Yes, it has; it sent out a lot of papers that were very + confusing, and it's no wonder I made a mistake."</p> + + <p>"The question in my mind," I said, "is this: when are you + going to repay what you owe me—with interest?"</p> + + <p>"We'll talk about that another time," said Francesca.</p> + + <p>R.C.L.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>FOR OUR SAILORS AND SOLDIERS.</h2> + + <p>The Veterans Association is giving a Special Entertainment + at the Alhambra on Sunday afternoon, December 30th, on behalf + of their Imperial Memorial Fund which is being raised to expand + the Veterans Club into an adequate Institution for the comfort + of ex-sailors and ex-soldiers, and to provide an Imperial + Memorial for those who have given their lives in the War. The + Veterans Club in Hand Court, Holborn, has already done a great + work during the six or seven years of its existence in looking + after sailors and soldiers. Free medical and legal advice is + given, and the homes of the men are protected by the storing of + their furniture while they are on active service. Employment is + also found for soldiers and sailors whose service is done. For + the Entertainment at the Alhambra on the 30th, the following + artistes, among others, have generously volunteered their + services: Miss VIOLET LORAINE, Miss PHYLLIS MONCKMAN, Miss WISH + WYNNE, Miss ESMÉ BERINGER, Messrs. LAURI DE FRECE, MARK + LESTER, HERBERT GROVER and GEORGE ROBEY.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Another Sex Problem.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Henry III. was Queen Mary's brother-in-law, she having + been for a short time the husband of his predecessor, + Francis II."—<i>The Sphere.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page421" + id="page421"></a>[pg 421]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/421.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/421.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE SPREAD OF THE QUEUE HABIT.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> + + <p>One of the most interesting features, to an English + observer, in the impressive spectacle of America girding + herself for war is the sight of our great Ally passing through + all those phases of initiation that to us are now remote + memories. Such a phase is the coming of the first war-books, + exemplified for me by the appearance of <i>From the Fire + Step</i> (PUTNAMS). As his sub-title + indicates—<i>Experiences of an American Soldier in the + British Army</i>—the writer, Mr. ARTHUR GUY EMPEY, has + proved himself something of a pioneer. In a singularly + vivacious opening chapter he tells how, after waiting with + decreasing expectation during the months that followed the + <i>Lusitania</i> crime, he decided to be a law unto himself, + and came alone to offer his personal service in the cause of + freedom. You will hardly read unmoved (by laughter as much as + by sympathy) his story of how this offer was at first refused, + then accepted. Throughout indeed you must prepare to find Mr. + EMPEY an entirely independent, though generous, critic of our + men and methods; it is precisely this attitude that gives his + book its chief interest as a survey of all-too-familiar things + from a refreshingly new angle. I hardly suppose there will be + anything in the actual matter, from church parade to + gas-attacks, which readers on this side will not by now have + seen or heard about, times beyond number; but one can imagine + sympathetically with what concern it will all be received in + the homes oversea; and after turning its high-spirited and + encouraging pages can warmly echo the admonition of their + writer: "Pacifists and small-army people please read with + care!"</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Since there is probably no writer who can approach Mrs. + FLORA ANNIE STEEL in the art of telling Indian tales about + Indian people, one is specially happy to find her in + <i>Mistress of Men</i> (HEINEMANN) with her foot once more upon + her special terrain. Not for the first time, I think, she has + gone to the records of the House of AKBAR for her material; the + result here is hardly to be called a novel so much as amplified + history, since it is really the life story of an actual (and + wonderful) woman, NURJAHÂN THE BEAUTIFUL, wife of the + Emperor JAHÂNGIR. Naturally the writer has experienced + not only the great advantages but the hazards of such a + building upon fact. To explain the marriage of your heroine + with the Imperial lover by whose orders her first husband was + killed, and not to lessen sympathy for her in the process, is a + problem to test the skill of any novelist. One sees, however, + even without Mrs. STEEL'S own declaration, that it has been for + her a grateful task to set down "a record of the most perfect + passion ever shown by man for woman." This was the adoration of + the EMPEROR for his consort, an amazing romance of Oriental + domesticity, which makes the story of the pair stranger and + more fascinating than fiction. A love-tale indeed; and, since + 'tis love that makes a book go round, one may trust the + circulating libraries to see to it that <i>Mistress of Men</i> + is well represented on their shelves. As a study of an + alluring, dazzling and masterful personality it was well worth + writing.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There is a sad interest in the title-page of <i>Irish + Memories</i> (LONGMANS), since only by a pathetic fiction does + it bear the names, as joint authors, of E. OE. SOMERVILLE and + "MARTIN ROSS," those two gifted ladies whose association has + been such a happy chance for them and for us all. Really the + book, though in part compiled from the letters and journals of + "MARTIN," is an eloquent tribute by Miss + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page422" + id="page422"></a>[pg 422]</span> SOMERVILLE to the partner + whose death has robbed her of a friend and the world of so + much kindly laughter. But, haunted as it is by this shadow + of bereavement, you must in no way think of it as wholly a + thing of gloom. Looking back into the good years, the writer + has recalled many incidents and scenes full of that genial + and most infectious merriment that we have learnt to expect + from her—tales of the wonderful peasant chorus that + one remembers first in the pages of <i>An Irish R.M.</i>, + exploits after hounds (it needs no telling how well both + authors loved them), and much besides. There will be + interest also for many uninitiated admirers in the account + here given of how the famous stories came first into being. + Of its more intimate and personal side I hesitate to speak; + those who loved "MARTIN ROSS," either through her writings + or in the closer relationship of friend, must be glad that + her <i>ave atque vale</i> has been spoken, as she would have + wished it, by her whose right it was. It will send many to + read again those delightful volumes with a new appreciation + of the sympathetic and lovable personality that helped in + their making.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I am afraid that something of the charm which, in a + sympathetic preface, M. HENRI BORDEAUX claims for <i>A Crusader + in France</i> (MELROSE) is veiled by a rather faltering + translation. I would counsel all who appreciate the exquisitely + sensitive <i>Récit d'une Soeur</i>, with which he not + unfavourably compares it, to go rather to the French original + of these letters of a young captain of the famous Chasseurs + Alpins. Captain FREDERIC BELMONT fell near the + stubbornly-contested Hartmannsweilerkopf in 1916. He was the + third of his family to give his life for France. The letters + reveal a character that hardships and dangers not only + strengthened but refined. He writes with a noble French ardour + of his country in the crisis of her fate. He dreads, but rises + greatly to the height of, his heavy responsibility as Captain + at the age of twenty-one. The coveted cross of the Legion of + Honour comes to him before the end, and he wins the affection + and confidence of his men—a soldier's highest prize. A + deep religious conviction unclouded by superstition sustains + his courage. He is a product of the French Catholic tradition + at its best. He writes intelligently of his work, and with a + greater freedom as to detail than our more exigeant censorship + allows; so that you get an excellent picture of the daily life + of a campaigner in the greatest of all wars. He met the English + in Flanders, admired and liked their looks and ways.... A very + charming record of a gallant soldier, a chosen soul.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In the first few pages of <i>At the Serbian Front in + Macedonia</i> (LANE), Mr. E.P. STEBBING tells so many little + anecdotes that I began to wonder if he was ever going to get + there. When, however, he has got into his stride, he gives us + information which is all the more valuable because we hear so + little of the Macedonian campaign. Mr. STEBBING was appointed + Transport Officer to a unit of the Scottish Women's Hospitals + that was sent to the Serbian Front. Naturally he has much to + say of the work done by these brave and untiring women. Under + exceptionally difficult circumstances their courage never + failed, and it is good to remember that their arrival at + Ostrovo was of the greatest possible service to the Serbs. That + is one part of the book, and it is well told. The other is of + actual war, and here Mr. STEBBING was given ample opportunities + to observe. No one can read his account of the taking of + Kajmaktcalan without feeling the keenest admiration for the + gallantry of the Serbs. He also describes very graphically the + frontal attack by the French upon the Kenali lines in October, + 1916. The British public is too apt to look upon the Macedonian + campaign as a prolonged picnic, and for them a dose of Mr. + STEBBING would be excellent medicine. I wish someone with our + own troops would do as sound a service for them as is done here + for the Serbs and French. But let him avoid anecdotes.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I am a little puzzled about <i>A Bolt from the East</i> + (METHUEN). The publishers, who surely should know, call it "A + modern and up-to-date romance, which deals mystically but + boldly with the greatest and most pertinent of all + questions—'Is Life Worth Living?'" But for my own part + the greatest and most pertinent question suggested by Mr. G.F. + TURNER'S up-to-date romance was whether it could possibly have + been intended as serious. I despair of giving you any adequate + idea of its contents. There are lots and lots of characters, + and, as several of them seem to own more than one personality, + it is often more than a little hard to say who is what. The + central figure is an Indian Prince of marvellous beauty and + mysterious powers, who, being jilted by the girl of his heart, + wishes to be revenged upon the human race. To this end he + employs the activities of a German Professor, who produces what + one might call a <i>Kultur</i> of the sterility germ. However, + these cheery projects go astray, though in precisely what + manner I have no very clear idea. But the end came at a + gathering where the <i>Prince</i> played psychic music, and a + chance union of hands between hero and heroine transmuted the + former from "a dilettante" and "polished ladies' man" to "a + virile male filled with the blasting vehemence of primary + passions." Incidentally it proved altogether too much both for + the <i>Professor</i> and his inoculated rabbits, all of whom + expired on the spot. Just about here that most pertinent + question became more acute than ever. Fortunately it was the + last page but one of the story.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/422.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/422.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>The Visitor</i>. "I HEAR YOUR BOY IS IN PALESTINE. + HOW INTERESTING IT MUST BE FOR HIM TO MOVE AMONG THOSE + SCENES WHERE EVERY SPOT BEINGS UP SOME RECOLLECTION OF THE + WONDERFUL EVENTS OF BIBLICAL HISTORY!"</p> + + <p><i>The Mother</i>. "TED DON'T SAY MUCH ABOUT THAT IN 'IS + LETTERS. 'E SEEMS TO THINK THE COUNTRY IS SUFFERIN' FROM A + FLY-PAPER SHORTAGE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Senhor Rodrique Bettencourt will be Premier, and Senhor + Adinterin, President of the Republic."—<i>Dublin + Daily Express</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>But is nothing to be done for Senhors Defacto and + Dejure?</p> + <br /> +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11466 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/11466-h/images/407.png b/11466-h/images/407.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8adf798 --- /dev/null +++ b/11466-h/images/407.png diff --git a/11466-h/images/409.png b/11466-h/images/409.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9a11793 --- /dev/null +++ b/11466-h/images/409.png diff --git a/11466-h/images/410.png b/11466-h/images/410.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1b9bf0a --- /dev/null +++ b/11466-h/images/410.png diff --git a/11466-h/images/411.png b/11466-h/images/411.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..97871f4 --- /dev/null +++ b/11466-h/images/411.png diff --git a/11466-h/images/413.png b/11466-h/images/413.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b3352d4 --- /dev/null +++ b/11466-h/images/413.png diff --git a/11466-h/images/414.png b/11466-h/images/414.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b4bd1be --- /dev/null +++ b/11466-h/images/414.png diff --git a/11466-h/images/415.png b/11466-h/images/415.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fcebf54 --- /dev/null +++ b/11466-h/images/415.png diff --git a/11466-h/images/416-1.png b/11466-h/images/416-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..933a3c3 --- /dev/null +++ b/11466-h/images/416-1.png diff --git a/11466-h/images/416-2.png b/11466-h/images/416-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1d31672 --- /dev/null +++ b/11466-h/images/416-2.png diff --git a/11466-h/images/417.png b/11466-h/images/417.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fabce6a --- /dev/null +++ b/11466-h/images/417.png diff --git a/11466-h/images/418.png b/11466-h/images/418.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..afb6d3e --- /dev/null +++ b/11466-h/images/418.png diff --git a/11466-h/images/419.png b/11466-h/images/419.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..078aa21 --- /dev/null +++ b/11466-h/images/419.png diff --git a/11466-h/images/421.png b/11466-h/images/421.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..360e7d0 --- /dev/null +++ b/11466-h/images/421.png diff --git a/11466-h/images/422.png b/11466-h/images/422.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4713b15 --- /dev/null +++ b/11466-h/images/422.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6e300ed --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #11466 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/11466) diff --git a/old/11466-8.txt b/old/11466-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..35f0ee4 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11466-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2110 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, +Dec. 19, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Dec. 19, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 5, 2004 [eBook #11466] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: iso-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 153, DEC. 19, 1917*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11466-h.htm or 11466-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/6/11466/11466-h/11466-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/6/11466/11466-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 153 + +DECEMBER 19, 1917 + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +GENERAL ALLENBY having announced that all the holy places in Jerusalem +will be protected, the KAISER is about to issue a manifesto to his +Turkish subjects, pointing out that so much time has elapsed since he +was there in 1898 that the place can no longer be considered as holy +as it was. + + *** + +It is now stated that the leader of the Sinn Feiners is an American +citizen. It is hardly likely, however, in view of the friendly +relations prevailing between ourselves and the United States, that +the point will be pressed. + + *** + +Another lengthy pamphlet on the subject of cheese has been issued by +the FOOD-CONTROLLER. The Department now claims that there is no excuse +for even the simplest grocer failing to recognise a cheese when he +sees it. + + *** + +A painful story comes from the North of England. It appears that a man +left his home saying that he would obtain a pound of Devonshire butter +or die. He was only thirty-four years of age. + + *** + +A leaflet containing President WILSON'S recent speech to Congress +has been passed by the CENSOR, who, however, does not wish it to be +understood that he could not have improved on it if he had cared to. + + *** + +A grave state of affairs is reported by a New York paper. It appears +that America will shortly ask Mexico to make revolutions a criminal +offence. They'll be stopping baseball next. + + *** + +A question put by Mr. FIELD in the House of Commons suggested that +M.P.s should travel on railways free of charge. The chief objection +seems to be that they would be sure to want return tickets. + + *** + +A domestic servant points out in a contemporary that she has worked +from seven in the morning until ten o'clock at night for six months +without a break. Another domestic who holds the smash-as-smash-can +record wonders where this poor girl learnt her business. + + *** + +Discussing the London taxi strike a contemporary remarks that both +sides ought to meet. Failing that, we think that at least one side +might meet. + + *** + +Writing to _The Evening News_ a Maidstone gentleman protested against +the action of the authorities who covered up the Tank in Trafalgar +Square on Sundays. On the first Sunday it seems that somebody tripped +over it. + + *** + +There appears to be an epidemic of trouble in the animal world. +An elephant at the Zoo has just died, while only a few days ago +a travelling crane collapsed at Glasgow. + + *** + +Burglars who looted an Oxford Street shop last week obtained admission +by making a hole through a brick wall. It is supposed the shop door +was closed. + + *** + +Surely it is only hindering matters for people to keep writing to the +Press on the matter of the appointment of a Minister of Health. It +seems to be overlooked that so far _The Daily Mail_ has not indicated +who should be appointed to that position. + + *** + +The Government having reaffirmed their statement that they have "no +further fear of submarines," it is felt to be high time that someone +in authority should break it to the U-boats that they might as well +give it up and go home. + + *** + +The gentleman who wrote to the Press offering to sell eggs at _4s. +7d._ a dozen has since explained that he merely wanted to show how +much higher the market price is than his would have been if he had +really had any eggs to sell. + + *** + +We understand that it has not yet been decided in Berlin what the +Sultan of TURKEY thinks of the capture of Jerusalem. + + *** + +Four letters of QUEEN ELIZABETH have just been sold by auction. +Strangely enough, nothing is said in them about her having no quarrel +with the Spanish people, but only with their Monarch. + + *** + +"Is the potato the saviour of the Fatherland?" asks the _Deutsche +Tageszeitung_. Another slight to the ALL-HIGHEST. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Both together_. "NOW, MY MAN, WHY DON'T YOU SALUTE +WHEN YOU PASS AN OFFICER?"] + + * * * * * + +From a review of Lord LISTER'S "Life":-- + + "It was in Edinburgh that he struck his most famous patient, + Henley, who has a record of the 'Chief' in his rhymes and + rhythms, 'In Hospital.'"--_Daily Paper_. + +But it was not in reference to this incident that HENLEY wrote, "My +head is bloody but unbowed." + + * * * * * + + "If all fools were rationed there could be no fixed + scale."--_Star_. + +Of course not; we have always noticed that the bigger the fool the +more he eats. + + * * * * * + + "Bassano is a nice town, by a dam site."--_Canadian Paper_. + +But a Canadian friend tells us there are others "a dam sight nicer." + + * * * * * + + "The German government has a terrific explosive, which is being + held in reserve to the last.... It is said that a bomb weighing + scarcely ten kilometres can annihilate everything within a radius + of two thousand feet."--_New York Herald_. + +We do not mind saying that we are frankly afraid of a bomb that weighs +about six miles. + + * * * * * + + "TIPPERARY BURGLARY.--Tipperary Temperance Club premises have been + gurgled."--_Cork Examiner_. + +GILBERT'S burglar up-to-date: "He loves to hear the Temperance Club +a-gurgling." + + * * * * * + + "General Allenby, no doubt, will go in due time to the House of + Lords, and military men are taking a jocular interest in his + selection of a title. Lord Bathsheba might serve, or Lord Hebron. + Lord Jerusalem smacks of the jocose."--_Birmingham Daily Post_. + +For our part we thought "Lord Bathsheba" rather funny too. + + * * * * * + +AN HISTORICAL CURIOSITY. + + "At Blenheim is a small glass-topped table, which contains the + sword of the great Duke of Marlborough, also a letter addressed by + him to Sarah Duchess from the field of Waterloo."--_The Queen_. + + * * * * * + +OUR PACIFISTS. + + Far as my humble daily round extends, + There's none but longs to see us lay the foe low; + I cannot trace upon my list of friends + A solitary instance of a Bolo; + So that I've sometimes nursed a doubt + Whether there are such lots of them about. + + But now, when that _Gazette_ in which I read + (To learn its views on any given matter + And so avoid 'em) hints that no such breed + Exists among us, save in idle chatter, + I am convinced the country reeks + With these unnatural and noisome freaks. + + Only the worst are out for German pay; + Some claim ideals on the loftiest level; + Peace (and a fig for Honour) is their lay-- + Peace and the Brotherhood of man and devil; + They love all sorts beneath the sun-- + Even an Englishman; but best a Hun. + + They save the choicest of their tears to shed + For those who break all laws divine and human; + They'd bid the dead past cover up its dead, + Forgetful of our murdered, child and woman; + Forgetful of our drowned who sleep + Without a grave beneath the wandering deep. + + I know not how or when this War will close, + But this I know: unless my brain goes rotten, + Never will I clasp hand with hand of those, + False to their blood, who'd have these things forgotten, + Who want a peace untimely made + Before the uttermost account is paid. + + Thirty years on, when weak with age, I might + Possibly talk to some repentant Teuton; + But, while I still can tell a knave at sight + And have enough of strength to keep a boot on, + Only in one way will I get + In touch with samples of the Bolo Set. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE CADET'S FRIEND. + +MISUNDERSTOOD.--You were in the wrong. The custom of throwing +chicken-bones over the right shoulder is practised only in the mess of +the 13th Bavarian Landsturm Regiment. Still, considering that you had +only joined that day, we think your colonel acted hastily. + +AS YOU WERE (and several other Correspondents).--The executive order +for the new combined movement of "About turn and left incline" is +given when the joint of the left big toe is opposite the right instep +(in Rifle regiments substitute right for left and left for right). + +SUBALTERN.--Your company commander is without authority for reproving +you for shaving off your moustache. All the same, judging by the +photograph you enclose, we think you would be wise to keep as much of +your face covered as possible. + +FIELD-MARSHAL'S BATON.--No, you are mistaken in supposing that a +private soldier under close arrest may spend two hours daily in the +regimental canteen. The only stimulant allowed him is one glass (2 +oz., Mark IV.) of port daily with the orderly officer when the latter +inspects the guardroom. + +SUFFERER.--(1) No, White Star gas is never employed by army dentists. +(2) No, you need not take your respirator with you. You hire the +anæsthetist's at a small charge. + +PINK RATS.--You assume that if you were appointed a mopper-up you +would _ex-officio_ be put in charge of the rum-ration. This is not the +case. The function of moppers-up is to collect souvenirs for the new +Great War Museum, to be housed in one of the four remaining London +hotels. + +OBSERVER.--German minnenwerfer are not dangerous if their flight is +carefully watched, as they swerve to the left, and their landing-place +can thus be fairly accurately judged. Two varieties, however--the +windupwerfer and the hoppitwerfer--swerve to the right. The +googliwerfer swerves both ways. + +SOCIABLE.--The correct method of dealing with snipers in a house is to +ring the front-door bell with the thumb and forefinger of the right +hand, at the same time smartly inserting a charge of cordite into the +letter-box with the left. Indents for postmen's uniforms for this +purpose should be rendered to D.A.D.O.S. in triplicate. + +STATISTICIAN.--The world's record is held by the adjutant of the +pioneer battalion of the 371st Silesian Foot Regiment. There is +unimpeachable evidence to prove that he was heard drinking gravy soup +from a distance of 477 metres. The night was calm. + + * * * * * + +IF THE PAPER SHORTAGE INCREASES. + +(_SOME FUTURE PRESS ITEMS._) + +FICTION FAMINE IN THE PROVINCES. + +From many districts come reports of great difficulty in obtaining +novels. Yesterday in a well-known Midland town the unusual sight +was observed of long queues outside the chief booksellers'. Several +libraries displayed notices bearing the words, "No GARVICE to-day"; +and quite early in the afternoon best quality BENSONS were practically +unobtainable, even by regular customers. + +FIRST CONDITIONAL SALE PROSECUTION. + +Much interest has been roused in East Anglia over the fine of one +hundred pounds inflicted by the Bench upon a local bookseller, found +guilty of the Conditional Sale of Fiction. The chief witness, a +retired stockbroker, proved that defendant refused to supply his +order for a shilling's worth of O. HENRY unless he also purchased +a remainder copy of _Wanderings Round Widnes_ (published at +twelve-and-six net). The Chairman, remarking that the case was a +specially flagrant one, expressed a hope that the result would +protect the public from such imposition in future. + +VALUABLE DISCOVERY. + +In view of the serious shortage in reliable fiction, nothing less +than a sensation is likely to result from the reported discovery of an +entirely satisfactory BARCLAY substitute in tabloid form. Should the +tidings prove well authenticated, the patrons of circulating libraries +will have good reason for satisfaction. The new preparation is said to +be even sweeter than the original article, and equally sustaining. + +FICTION CARDS COMING. + +On inquiry at the Albert Hall (recently taken over as offices by the +Literature Control Committee), our representative was emphatically +assured that, should the system of voluntary romance-rationing prove +unsatisfactory, some form of compulsion will become inevitable. It was +pointed out that the indicated maximum of one novel or magazine per +head weekly is amply sufficient for all reasonable requirements. The +attention of the public is further called to the need of making the +fullest and most economical use of the allowance, and not wasting +the advertisement pages, which contain much readable and stimulating +matter, the patent medicine paragraphs especially being rich in the +finest imaginative fiction. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEED OF MEN. + +MR. PUNCH (_to the Comber-out_). "MORE POWER TO YOUR ELBOW, SIR. BUT +WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO FILL UP THAT SILLY GAP?" + +SIR AUCKLAND GEDDES. "HUSH! HUSH! WE'RE WAITING FOR THE MILLENNIUM."] + + * * * * * + +"CHOCKCHAW;" + +OR, BIG-WIGS AT PLAY. + +Somebody in the Old Country discovered, with the aid of a hint or +two, that the tooth (exact molar not specified) of the General Staff +Officer 3 was sweet. As a natural result a certain famous firm of +confectioners was indented upon heavily. Day in, day out, perspiring +orderlies arrived festooned with parcels containing all kinds of +wonderful things crammed with all sorts of wonderful surprises. Life +in the General Staff Office resolved itself into four meals a day +between sweetmeats. The whole routine underwent a complete change. +Everyone who visited the place made, as a matter of course, a bee +line for the General Staff Canteen cupboard, and while searching for +the particular dainty he fancied broached the subject of his visit in +general terms. He then turned to the officer he was addressing and +politely offered him the kind of delicacy he thought would blend best +with the matter in hand. + +And then Chockchaw arrived. It began by letting the G.S.O.3 down +badly the first day. All unsuspicious of its properties he rang up a +Division, popped a piece into his mouth and waited. In due time the +call came through, but no word could he utter. "Chockchaw lockjaw" had +set in. Only a horrible sound like the squelching of ten gum-boots in +the mud reached the indignant Staff at the other end. After a minute's +monologue they rang off in disgust. + +Yet in spite of all difficulties the vogue of Chockchaw swept through +the Corps. It is such a ripe, rich, full-flavoured irresistible +concoction. Disadvantages there are, of course, but, on the other +hand, if you want to be quiet, it is easy to lure the unsuspecting +intruder on to Chockchaw and leave it at that. After vain efforts the +poor fellow usually creeps away like a cat with too big a bone and +chews himself back to speech round the corner. He seldom returns, and +if he does--there is always more Chockchaw. Should he refuse it this +time you can take a piece yourself and save the trouble of answering, +anyway. + +Chockchaw entailed more perilous chances than at first appeared +probable. Indeed at one time it looked like seriously impeding the +course of final victory. + +On a certain brown November day the G.S.O.2 suddenly jumped up from +his chair, ran to the Canteen cupboard, popped a piece of Chockchaw +into his mouth (because he had a difficult March Table to make out and +needed sustenance) and fell to work whistling like an ordinary human +being (who cannot whistle). I.O. (not the gadfly, but the Intelligence +Officer) dropped in with his usual list of suspected hostile +emplacements. He took Chockchaw in case he was asked pertinent +questions. He has to be _so_ careful what he gives away unofficially. +He knows so _much_. Germans try to steal his summaries to find out +what their own intentions really are. The A.D.C. dropped in for his +usual morning chat and Chockchaw. The Staff Officer R.A. (S.O.R.A.), +that inveterate sweet-guzzler, also dropped in. + +"Hullo, what are you fellows munching?" asked the General, coming in +muddied all over. "Give me a bit; I've had no breakfast. What's the +news, Intelligence?" (No answer) "Is that Move Order done, by the +way?" (No answer.) "Why, what the--Good Lord, I'm _stuck_! What +stuff is this you've given me?" And there they all stood chumping in +silence. + +The telephone rang. The absurdity of a dumb Staff tickled everybody. +They winked their appreciation of the situation at one another. Not to +be able to say "Thank you" on being instructed "with reference to my +telegram of to-day for L/Cpl. Plunkett read L/Cpl. Plonkett," appealed +to them. Amidst the chuckles and gluggels of all, the G.S.O.3 was +obliged to lift the receiver. Something of the seriousness of the +occasion must have communicated itself to the others, for they crowded +round him, mumbling and munching sympathetically. Speechless, the +poor fellow wrote hastily on a buff slip of paper a Name, and passed +it round. It was the name of an Excessively Resplendent One, whose +lightest word results in headlines in the less expensive daily press. + +A frightful panic came over all. What--a General Staff ceasing to +function even for a minute? It was unthinkable. The news would +be flashed through to all concerned and become the subject of +conversation in ten thousand messes that evening. It must not be. +Never was there such a kneading and gnashing of teeth. But to no +purpose. You cannot hurry Chockchaw; time, and time alone, will defeat +it. The General tried to pack it all into one cheek. Useless; to +attempt to sculpture in seccotine would have been a simpler task. The +G.S.O.2 tried a frontal swallow, but only lined his throat more and +more thickly until respiration became difficult. The S.O.R.A. nearly +swallowed his tongue. The A.D.C., having cricked his jaw in the first +five seconds, counted ten and threw up the sponge. The voice at the +telephone became louder and more insistent. Flushed, hot and flurried, +the G.S.O.3 thrust the receiver into the hands of the G.S.O.2, who +handed it on to the General, who dropped it. Nobody spoke. Only the +crackling and cackling voice could be heard from the receiver as it +hung face downwards at the end of its cord. + +It was a moment demanding imagination. Naturally the Intelligence +Officer felt the responsibility. He stepped forward, slapped the +mouthpiece three times with the palm of his hand, rang off, rang on +and slapped it again. The effect at the other end must have been +horrible, but it achieved its purpose. By the time connection had been +restored and the blood of the Signal Master demanded, the A.D.C. had +cheated with a handkerchief and was able to gasp out that the Corps +Commander would enjoy seeing the Resplendent One any time that day. + +Thus the honour of the General Staff was saved, the Intelligence +Officer vindicated and the vogue of Chockchaw brought to an untimely +end. + +"You ought," said the General severely to the G.S.O.3--"you ought to +be unstuck for bringing such stuff into the office." + +"I have never wished so hard in my life, Sir, to be unstuck," said he. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN THE TOWER DISTRICT. + +"SAY, GUV'NOR, YER MIGHT RESERVE A COUPLE OF FIRST-CLASS DUNGEONS FOR +ME AN' MY FRIENDS ON THE NEXT RAID NIGHT."] + + * * * * * + +THE SUPERIOR SEX. + +"You are late again," said Clara, as I entered our domestic portal. +"What is it this time?" + +Gently but firmly I explained the reason. A certain amount of tact was +necessary, for my wife does not care for any remarks that appear to +reflect upon her sex. + +"Owing to the present abnormal state of things, my dear," I said, "our +office is now almost entirely staffed by women. In many ways this is +an improvement. Their refining influence upon the dress and deportment +of the few remaining male members of the staff is distinctly +noticeable. But there are, I regret to say, certain drawbacks. +Admittedly our superiors in many respects, in others they are not, +I am afraid, equal to the situation. Take, for instance, matters of +detail where you--I mean they--should excel. I asked Miss Philpott to +write a letter--" + +"Did you post that letter for me this morning?" said Clara. "If Mrs. +Roberts doesn't get it she won't know where to meet me to-morrow." + +It is a woman's privilege to wander from the point at issue. I +told Clara somewhat shortly that I had posted the letter, although +naturally I did not remember doing so. A man who has hundreds of petty +details to deal with every day, as I have, develops an automatic +memory--a subconscious mechanism which never fails him. + +I explained this to Clara. "Not once in five thousand times would it +allow me to pass the pillar-box with an unposted letter in my pocket. +Perhaps it is the vivid red--" + +"And perhaps your vivid imagination," said my wife. "Well, I am glad +you posted the letter, for Mrs. Roberts, as you know, never received +the one you posted ten days ago." + +"I took that matter up very firmly with the local postmaster," I said. +"He explained to me that letters are now almost entirely sorted and +delivered by women, and he was afraid mistakes sometimes happened. +And just to satisfy you about this last one, which I put as usual in +my breast pocket at the back of my other papers--" I produced the +contents of my pocket. As I expected the letter was not there. + +"Why do you carry so many papers in your pocket? What are they all +about?" + +"Candidly, my dear, I do not know. Without the element of surprise +life would be unbearably monotonous. That element I deliberately +carry with me in my breast pocket. When a dull moment comes I empty +my pockets. It would surprise you--" + +"Nothing you do surprises me," said Clara. "Now go upstairs, please, +and make yourself tidy. Have a dull moment--not more than one, for +dinner is nearly ready--and get rid of those papers." + +Although my wife has not a logical process of thought, at times she +makes sensible remarks. I took her advice. As I anticipated I had some +surprises. + +A few important business memoranda, a sugar form, two income tax +demands, a number of private letters and an unpaid coal account made +up the collection. There was really nothing I could part with. Luckily +I found two duplicates of the coal account. These I could spare. As I +opened one of them Mrs. Roberts's letter fell out of it. + +I had just time to catch the post. I managed to reach the front-door +unobserved. My wife opened the dining-room window to tell me that +dinner was ready. I told her I had forgotten to post a very important +business letter. + +"A most unusual occurrence," I said. + +"Mary can post it for you. Dinner's on the table." Clara extended her +hand for the letter. I explained that it was so very important that I +could not even trust Mary. + +"Mary's sex is, of course, against her," said my wife, "but I'll tell +her to hold the letter out at arm's length. You can see her all the +way from the window and watch her put it in the pillar-box." + +A little candour is sometimes necessary. + +"Strangely enough," I said, "the five-thousandth chance has come off. +It is true the letter is important, but the business is yours, and +the letter is addressed to Mrs. Roberts. I forgot to post it this +morning." + +"I know you did," said Clara. "You left it behind, and I posted it +myself." + +Here I saw that I was going to score. "Then what is this?" I asked +in triumph. + +"This," said Clara, taking it from me, "is the letter you forgot to +post ten days ago." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mrs. Judkins_ (_beating up against the draught in the +Tube_). "THANK GOODNESS WE SHAN'T 'AVE NO AIR-RAID TO-NIGHT, MRS. +'ARRIS. IT SEEMS TO BE BLOWIN' UP NICELY FOR RAIN."] + + * * * * * + +TO "MARTIN ROSS." + +(_AFTER READING "IRISH MEMORIES."_) + + Two Irish cousins greet us here + From BUSHE "the silver-tongued" descended, + Whose lives for close on thirty year + Were indistinguishably blended; + Scorning the rule that holds for cooks, + They pooled their brains and joined their forces, + And wrote a dozen gorgeous books + On men and women, hounds and horses. + + They superseded _Handley Cross_; + They glorified the "hunting fever;" + They purged their pages of the dross, + While bettering the fun, of LEVER; + With many a priceless turn of phrase + They stirred us to Homeric laughter, + When painting Ireland in the days + Before Sinn Fein bewitched and "strafed" her. + + With them we watched good _Major Yeates_ + Contending with litigious peasants, + With "hidden hands" within his gates, + With claims for foxes and for pheasants; + We saw _Leigh Kelway_ drop his chin-- + That precious English super-tripper-- + In shocked amazement drinking in + The lurid narrative of _Slipper_. + + _Philippa's_ piercing peacock squeals, + Uttered in moments of expansion; + The grime and splendour of the meals + Of _Mrs. Knox_ and of her mansion; + The secrets of horse-coping lore, + The loves of _Sally_ and of _Flurry_-- + All these delights and hundreds more + Are not forgotten in a hurry. + + Yet the same genial pens that freight + Our memories with joyous magic + Gave us the tale of _Francie's_ fate-- + So vulgar, lovable and tragic; + Just to the land that gave them birth + They showed her smiling, sad and sullen, + And turning from the paths of mirth + Probed the dark soul of _Charlotte Mullen_. + + Alas! the tie, so close, so dear, + Two years ago death rent asunder; + Hushed is the voice so gay and clear + Which moved us once to joy and wonder; + Yet, though they chronicle a loss + Whose pang no lapse of time assuages, + The spirit of brave "MARTIN ROSS" + Shines like a star throughout these pages. + + Here in her letters may one trace + The generous scorn, the gentle pity, + The easy unaffected grace, + The wisdom that was always witty; + Here, mirrored in a sister soul, + One sees the comrade, strong yet tender, + Who marched unfaltering to her goal + Through sacrifice and self-surrender. + + * * * * * + +THE FOOD OF THE FAMOUS. + +The publication of Lord RHONDDA'S daily menu will, we hope, lead +other prominent people who are striving to follow his good example +to divulge the details of their dietary. But in case their natural +modesty may prevent them from doing so, Mr. Punch ventures to supply +a few unauthorised particulars. + +The source of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S boundless energy has long been +a mystery. It is now known to be derived from a raw leek eaten +on rising, and a dinner of Welsh rabbit, made from a modicum of +Government cheese and half a slice of war bread. + +With Mr. BONAR LAW all meals are oatmeals. A plate of porridge at +daybreak, bannocks slightly margarined, when possible, for lunch, +and a stiff cup of gruel just after Question time keep him alert and +smiling. + +Thanks to the Spartan habits formed during his connection with both +services, belt-tightening has no terrors for Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL. A +quid of Navy tobacco suffices for breakfast, and his only other meal +consists of a slice of bully beef with a hard biscuit served on an +inverted packing-case. + +The wild rumours recently current as to the amount of nutriment +required for the upkeep of Mr. G.K. CHESTERTON have now been happily +set at rest. The needful calories for twenty-four hours of his +strenuous existence are supplied by two cups of cocoa, a shred of +dried toast, a Brazil nut, a glass of sodawater and a grilled banana. + + * * * * * + + "In one case the good cows from one herd had an average + production of 9,592 lbs. milk, and 406 lbs. of fat, while + the poor cows had a production of only 3,098 lbs. of milk + and 119 lbs. of tea."--_Farming News_. + +Give us the poor cows every time. + + * * * * * + +From a Church paper:-- + + "'EARLY CHRISTIANS.' I am sorry you cannot get these from + the Army and Navy Stores." + +It sounds like the old tiger story. + + * * * * * + + "A certain company commander, looking out of his quarters, saw + several Germans in possession of a dump not far away. Although + still in his sleeping clothes, he seized his trench tick + and rushed towards them. Why they did not fire upon him is + one of those little mysteries which will probably never be + explained."--_Daily Paper_. + +Unless by the learned author of _Minor Horrors of War_, who knows all +about the fauna of the trenches. + + * * * * * + +THE PERFECT CUSTOMER. + +It was a very ordinary country sale of work. The Countess of Bilberry +declared it open in a neat little speech, and then bought generously +from every stall: her daughter, whose smile nobody could resist, did a +fine trade with raffle tickets for the record pumpkin produced by the +local allotments: Mrs. Dodd, the Rector's wife, presided over a pair +of scales and a strictly rationed tea, and all the rest of the village +sold vegetables and socks and pincushions, and tried to pretend that +antimacassars and shaving tidies and woolwork waistbelts were the most +desirable things in the world when they were made by wounded men at +the nearest Red Cross Hospital, in whose aid the sale was held. + +But there was one unique figure amongst all the folk who knew each +other, and each other's clothes, and each other's clothes' cost, so +well. She arrived at the Village Hall in a pony-carriage, drawn by +the ugliest little pony that ever sniffed oats. She was very quietly +and very tastefully dressed, and, instead of concentrating on the +well-laden stalls of garden produce or the orderly stacks of knitted +comforts, or the really useful baskets, she went straight to the stall +which even Mrs. Dodd, who had the kindest heart in the countryside, +had been compelled to relegate to a dark corner. There was +woolwork run riot over cushions of incredible hardness; there were +candle-shades guaranteed to catch alight at the mere sight of a match; +there were crochet dressing-table mats, and there was a three-legged +stool on which even a fairy could not have sat without danger of a +break-down. + +The youngest Miss Dodd, a severely practical young lady of sixteen, +who was presiding at this stall, jumped up in surprise at the sight of +a customer, and in doing so knocked over a glass box bound with red +and white and blue ribbon, with "Handkerchiefs" painted across the +corner in a design of forget-me-nots. There was very little glass box +left when she picked it up, and the splinters had made a good many +little craters in the surface of a big bowl of clotted cream, labelled +"Positively the last appearance for the Duration of the War," which +was at the corner of the next stall. + +The little stranger said that she would take the box and the damaged +cream too; she bought a whole family of crochet mats with centres +of orange woollen loops; three pincushions made of playing cards +discharged as no longer fit for active service; a table-centre with +pen-painting of the Allied flags, and a letter-case with the badges of +the Dominions worked in wool and "Across the sea, A letter from thee," +straggling wearily across one corner. Then there was an antimacassar +in purple and magenta sateen, with yellow daffodils making a brave +attempt to flourish in unlikely surroundings. + +At the next stall she bought a photograph frame which had lost its +prop in an unequal contest with a tea-tray which had collapsed from +the heartiness of the Rector's clapping at the conclusion of the +Countess's speech; and a Noah's Ark from which the star performer +and his very best beasts had somehow disappeared. + +Then the little lady paused before the live-stock stall. + +"There isn't anything really hideous here," she murmured to herself; +"but I think that puppy--it's never had its tail cut, and nobody will +ever know whether it's a sealyham, a spaniel or even a dash of a +setter--I will take the puppy, please," she added, "as soon as I've +had some tea. After that I will see what is left. You have such nice +things." + +After tea she went back to the youngest Miss Dodd and collected a few +more of the more glaring atrocities, paid her bills, and then went off +to her pony-carriage; the youngest Miss Dodd, very much inclined to +giggle, bearing armfuls of odd purchases in her wake, crowned by the +bowl of cream and the mongrel pup. She handed them in and was just +going away when the little old lady pressed a piece of paper into her +hand. + +"I don't like to worry people," she said gently, "but if you have time +you might read this. It has been a great opportunity to-day; I don't +often find so much to be done--and I shall love the puppy." + +The youngest Miss Dodd watched the start of the ugly pony with a +snigger and then went back into the lighted hall to read the pamphlet. +It was a touching little document--many people know it well--and the +youngest Miss Dodd, who had never been known to sentimentalize over +anything before, blew her nose rather violently when she had read it. + +"Bless her dear little soul!" she said to herself: "I don't wonder +that pup was trying to kiss her. I only hope she won't try to eat that +cream with the glass in it, or give it to the pup." For the pamphlet +was the Rules for Membership and a treatise on the Objects and Methods +of the "Society for Buying What Nobody Wants." + + * * * * * + +MORE PROFITEERING. + +"Beautiful champagne broche silk crepe de chine blouse; open neck; one +button; cost 2s. 6d.; accept 15s."--_The Lady_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INEFFICIENCY IN THE NAVY. + +_First Bluejacket_. "HULLO, MATE, I THOUGHT YOU WAS ASHORE WITH THE +CAPTAIN, PLAYING GOLF." + +_Second Bluejacket_. "WELL, SO I WAS. IT'S LIKE THIS 'ERE. 'E GIVES ME +'IS STICKS TO CARRY, AND THEN TAKES ONE AND PUTS A LI'L WHITE BALL ON +TOP OF A BIT O' SAND AND, MY WORD! HE CATCHES THAT BALL A FAIR SWIPE. +MUST 'A' GONE MILES. THEN 'E TURNS TO ME AND SEZ, 'DID YER SEE WHERE +THAT WENT TO?' SO I SEZ, SMART LIKE, 'OUT O' SIGHT FROM THE MOMENT OF +HIMPACT, SIR,' AN' 'E SEZ, 'GO BACK ON BOARD, YE BLINKIN' FATHEAD!'"] + + * * * * * + +CONVERSIONS. + + There was an exuberant flapper + Who made people anxious to slap her; + She uttered loud squeals + And she smoked at all meals; + Now she's married an elderly sapper. + + There was a mild don who was muddy + In mind and complexion by study; + Now he flies fast and far, + With a cross and a bar, + And his face and his language are ruddy. + + * * * * * + + "BRITISH FRONT REINFORCED. + + "BY PERCIVAL PHILLIPS." + + _Daily Paper_. + +Intrepid fellows, our war correspondents. What a pity there are so few +of them! + + * * * * * + + "A long, keen dagger will be supplied to every American + infantryman going to France. This weapon will be fitted into + one of the fighting men's leggings when he goes into action, + so he will have something to fall back on should his bayonet + fail."--_Canadian Paper_. + +If he's going to fall back on it, we hope the sharp end won't be at +the top. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Sub_. "I SAY, SERGEANT-MAJOR, DO YOU REALISE THAT +THAT CHAP WITH THE BARROW IS A MEMBER OF AN ARCHÆOLOGICAL SOCIETY?" +_The Sergeant-Major_. "WELL, SIR, 'E MAY BE WHAT YOU SAY. PERSONALLY +I'VE ALWAYS FOUND 'IM QUIET AND WELL-BE'AVED."] + + * * * * * + +THE CLYDE-BUILT CLIPPER. + + [Many of the fast-sailing clippers which were making fine passages + in the Australian wool trade in the 'seventies and onwards were + laid up or turned into hulks before the War. Recently, however, + several have been re-fitted for sea and are once more doing good + service.] + + A ship there was, and she went to sea + (Away O, my Clyde-built clipper!) + In eighteen hundred and seventy-three, + Fine in the lines and keen in the bow, + The way they've forgotten to build 'em now: + Lofty masted and heavily sparred, + With stunsail booms to every yard, + And flying kites both high and low + To catch the wands when they did blow + (And away, my Clyde-built clipper!). + + Fastest ship on the Colonies run-- + (Away O, my racing clipper!) + That was her when her time begun; + Sixteen knots she could easily do, + And thirteen knots on a bowline too; + She could show her heels to anything made + With sky-sails set in a favouring trade, + Or when she was running her easting down + From London River to Hobart Town + (And away, my racing clipper!). + + Old shellbacks knew her near and far + (Away O, my old-time clipper!) + From Circular Quay to Mersey Bar, + And many a thundering lie they told + About her runs in the days of old; + But the time did come and the time did go, + And she grew old as we all must grow, + And the most of her gear was carried away + When caught aback in a gale one day + (And away, my old-time clipper!). + + Her masts were sprung from fore to mizen + (Away O, my poor old clipper!) + And freights was poor and dues had risen, + And there warn't no sense in rigging her new, + So they laid her up for a year or two; + And there they left her, and there she lay, + And there she might have been laying to-day, + But when cargoes are many and ships are few + A ship's a ship be she old or new + (And away, my poor old clipper!). + + So in nineteen hundred and seventeen + (Away O, my brave old clipper!) + They've rigged her new and they've scraped her clean + And sent her to sea in time of war + To sail the seas as she sailed before. + And in nineteen hundred and seventeen + She's the same good ship as she's always been; + Her ribs are as staunch and her hull's as sound + As any you'd find the wide world round + (And away, my brave old clipper!). + + The same as they were when she went to sea + (Away O, my Clyde-built clipper!) + In eighteen hundred and seventy-three, + Fine in the lines and keen in the bow, + The way they've forgotten to build 'em now; + Lofty masted and heavily sparred, + With stunsail booms to every yard, + And flying kites both high and low + To catch the winds when they did blow-- + (And away, my Clyde-built clipper!). + + C.F.S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LAST CRUSADE. COEUR-DE-LION (_looking down on the +Holy City_). "MY DREAM COMES TRUE!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, December 10th_.--One would gather from the hoardings that the +Government wished to encourage the sale of War Bonds by every possible +means. Yet the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER threw cold water on the +efforts of certain firms to increase the sale by the offer of cash +prizes, and thought it undesirable that this inducement should be +imitated. The advocates of Premium Bonds were a little depressed by +this announcement, but cheered up somewhat on observing that the +conscientious CHANCELLOR has no intention of refusing the millions +already raked into the Treasury by these "schemes of doubtful +legality." + +[Illustration: THE BAD BOYS OF BROMPTON AND OXFORD STREETS.] + +On the vote for an increase of fifty thousand men for the Navy Mr. +GEORGE LAMBERT solemnly announced that the Admiralty was "fumbling +with a magnificent weapon." It is distressing to think that a body +which for nearly ten years enjoyed his services as Civil Lord should +have deteriorated so rapidly since he left it. + +Mr. LYNCH does not think much of the new scheme for securing unity +of effort among the Allies. He called it "the analogue of the Aulic +Council" (pronounced "Owlic," to give more effect to the description). + +The Chequers Estate Bill passed through all its stages amid a chorus +of praise, despite the injunction of the generous donors that there +should be "no flowers." + +_Tuesday, December 11th_.--After all, London is to have the BARNARD +statue, despite the protest of Lord CHARNWOOD, LINCOLN'S latest +biographer, that it is not a portrait of his hero, but of a man whose +only connection with the PRESIDENT was that he was born in the same +neighbourhood. Against this Lord WEARDALE quoted Mr. ROOSEVELT'S +description of the statue as "the Lincoln we all knew and loved." +As Mr. ROOSEVELT had reached the mature age of six when LINCOLN was +assassinated the COMMISSIONER OF WORKS seems to have regarded his +testimony as conclusive. + +At the request of Mr. KING the Peers are to be allowed to listen to +the secret debates of the Commons, if any of them desire to do so. +The hon. Member having expressed a hope that the Peers would grant +reciprocal facilities to the Commons, Mr. HOGGE kindly suggested that +the Government should grant him "all the privileges of the House of +Lords." But Mr. BONAR LAW declined to deprive the House of Commons +in that way of one of its brightest ornaments; so the "Mad Hatter" +will not be called upon just yet awhile to exchange his traditional +headgear for a coronet. + +I presume some Members of Parliament know what "non-ferrous metals" +are, and what is the object of the Bill which the Government has +introduced to deal with them. But the views which they took on the +subject were so obscurely divergent that all I could gather from the +debate was that in some way or other the measure was intended to be a +nasty knock for German trade. That was good enough for the House at +large, which passed the Second Reading by a substantial majority. + +[Illustration: A HORRIBLE MENACE. MR. JOSEPH KING.] + +_Wednesday, December 12th_.--Mr. PRINGLE, having asserted that +candidates for appointments under the War Office were successful +simply on account of possessing a "pull" with the Selection +Department, was quietly reminded by the UNDER-SECRETARY that he +himself had attempted to use his influence on behalf of a candidate. +Mr. PRINGLE was righteously indignant. He had never asked favours of +the War Office; he had merely "recommended men personally known to +me." This delicate distinction, which should have convinced Members +of Mr. PRINGLE'S disinterestedness, only made them laugh. + +On the Vote of Credit for 550 millions the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER +was invited by Mr. DILLON to make a survey of the military situation. +He replied that all the relevant facts were known already. "The War +is going on; the Government and the country intend it shall go on; +and money is necessary to make it go on." It is, perhaps, a pity that +he did not content himself with this epitome and refuse to be drawn +into a discussion of the recent operations near Cambrai. What has +Mr. DILLON done to promote the prosecution of the War that he should +receive special consideration? + +There was a renewed discussion of the censorship of pamphlets. Sir +GEORGE CAVE ably defended the regulations, but did not convince +everyone that his preference for confiscation over prosecution was +entirely sound. The idea that the publishers of these pamphlets would +welcome advertisement is probably erroneous, or why was it necessary +to insist that they should put their names to them? + +Mr. SPENCER HUGHES'S humorous attack upon the CENSOR was much +applauded on the Liberal benches. Some of the more brilliant passages +would have received even wider appreciation if a good many Members had +not heard them a week before from the lips of Mr. AUGUSTINE BIRRELL at +a non-political luncheon. + +_Thursday, December 13th_.--Lord BERESFORD charged the PRIME MINISTER +with having two voices, like _Caliban's_ monster. Lord CURZON +flatly declined to accept the suggestion that Cabinet Ministers +were collectively responsible for one another's speeches--"they had +far more serious things to think of." The phrase seems a little +depreciatory, but as Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, according to his candid +colleague, is "constitutionally an optimist" he will no doubt make +the best of it. + +Mr. HOUSTON was informed that sweets "for military, naval or civil +consumption" were still being imported, but that the Ministry of +Shipping made no special provision for their carriage. No one, +therefore, need grudge Sir ERIC GEDDES the lozenge which he so +ostentatiously popped into his mouth just before making his speech +on Admiralty administration, or inquire too curiously whether it +was consumed by him in his capacity of Major-General, Vice-Admiral +or Civilian Minister. + +Despite the warning of the SPEAKER that it was not in the national +interest to embarrass the Administration, Mr. KING insisted on trying +to discuss forbidden topics. At last Lord ROBERT CECIL "espied +strangers," and we must assume that, without the vivifying presence of +the reporters, Mr. KING'S oratory wilted, for an hour afterwards the +House was up. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Polite Stranger_. "EXCUSE MY TURNING MY BACK UPON YOU, +SIR." + +_Curmudgeon_. "SIR, I KNOW OF NO OBLIGATION ON YOUR PART TO LOOK AT +ME."] + + * * * * * + +THE REWARD OF PATRIOTISM. + +"Major ---- has placed the mansion at the disposal of the War Office, +and will be in charge of Sister ----."--_Provincial Paper_. + + * * * * * + +THINGS OVERHEARD IN WAR-TIME. + +"There couldn't be room there for _all_ the Jews, could there?" + + * * * * * + +"After waiting two hours I got half-a-pound." + + * * * * * + +"It should be made compulsory." + + * * * * * + +"Wherever else these matches strike, they won't strike on the box." + + * * * * * + +"I just turned over and went to sleep again." + + * * * * * + +"I wish the Government would tell _me_ what I could do for them." + + * * * * * + +"Oh, another three years." + + * * * * * + +"What puzzles me is--Where is the paper shortage?" + + * * * * * + +"We keep a gramophone in the basement now." + + * * * * * + +"No one is more willing than I am to do something." + + * * * * * + +"It's the children's festival--that's what I always say." + + * * * * * + +HERBS OF GRACE. + +IX. + +PENNYROYAL.--A CAROL. + + _"Far away in Sicily!"-- + A home-come sailor sang this rhyme, + Deep in an ingle, mug on knee, + At Christmas time._ + + In Sicily, as I was told, + The children take them Pennyroyal, + The same as lurks on hill and wold + In Cotsall soil. + + The Pennyroyal of grace divine + In little cradles they do weave-- + Little cradles therewith they line + On Christmas Eve. + + And there, as midnight bells awake + The Day of Birth, as they do tell, + All into bud the small plants break + With sweetest smell. + + All into bud that very hour; + And pure and clean, as they do say, + The Pennyroyal's full in flower + On Christmas Day. + + _Far away in Sicily!-- + Hark, the Christmas bells do chime! + So blossom love in thee and me + This Christmas time!_ + + W.B. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady_ (_to uniformed friend_). "I SHOULDN'T A BIT +MIND WEARING UNIFORM IF ONLY ONE COULD CHOOSE ONE'S OWN COLOURS AT +THE WAR OFFICE."] + + * * * * * + +THE V.C. + +My cousin Agatha has been a bad correspondent ever since she +married my old friend, George Thimblewell, which means for the past +five-and-twenty years, so in ordinary circumstances I do not expect +more from her than a "hasty line" to tell me how the youngsters are +doing (George, of course, never writes at all). But I must say I was +surprised and not a little hurt when, in the skimpy margin of a letter +dealing mainly with the difficulty of devising breakfast-dishes, she +scribbled in the most casual manner conceivable, "George has got the +V.C. at last." + +George, my dear old school-chum, with the V.C., and his wife tells me +of it as casually as if it had been a gumboil! I sat with her letter +before me and looked back through the years, seeing us two--George +and myself--as we were long before Agatha even knew him. Had I not +fostered the yearning for heroic deeds in his young bosom? Was it not +possible, nay probable, that the influence of his boyhood's companion +had helped to mould his character and prepare it for this glorious if +belated achievement? Upon my word it seemed to me that I myself might +well take a certain amount of credit for that decoration. And here +was his wife mentioning it as though she scarcely expected me to be +interested. Never a date, never a detail. + +I was so ruffled that I decided, since she vouchsafed no information, +to ask for none, as became a man with proper pride. I adopted a +semi-jocular vein to meet the case. + +"I have known your V.C. longer than you have, Agatha," I wrote, "and +am as pleased and proud as you can be. The strong silent type--you can +rely upon them. Quiet and domesticated, requiring little attention, +helpful about the house, undemonstrative perhaps, but all the time +ready for the most desperate emergency. Let me know when George is +to be at home, and I shall come to dinner and hear all about it." + +As I sealed my note it occurred to me that George must be the first +special constable to win the Cross, and I felt a glow of satisfaction +to realise that we must now be eligible for that most glorious of all +decorations. + +A few days later came another note from Agatha, about sugar-cards this +time, but with a postscript which said, "It isn't like you to chaff +me, James. I don't see that there is anything particularly funny about +George having got the Vacuum Cleaner which he promised me long ago." + + * * * * * + +BIG GAME. + + "General Allenby reports that Budrus and Sheikh Obeid Rahid, to + the north of Midieh, were captured by Gurkhas, 50 Tanks being + killed and 10 taken prisoners."--_Evening Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "Ruler wanted, experienced, male or female (male preferred); wages + according to ability; removal assistance; away from raid area; + permanency to suitable applicant."--_Eastern Daily Press_. + +This might suit the KAISER, when Sir DOUGLAS HAIG has provided the +necessary "removal assistance." + + * * * * * + + "WHERE EX-TSAR KEEPS HIS GLOOMY COURT. + + "Built mostly of wood, the Imperial family occupies a brick + mansion."--_News of the World_. + +We are intended to infer, presumably, that if the Imperial Family had +been constructed of stouter material it might still be in the Winter +Palace. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Motor Driver_. "NAH, THEN, WHERE'S YOUR REAR LIGHT?" + +_Countryman_. "NOW, THEN, YE OWD ZEPPERLEEN, DO YE THINK I'M GOING TO +SHOW YE WHERE I BE?"] + + * * * * * + +TO THE REGIMENT. + +A CHRISTMAS MESSAGE. + + So Christmas comes and finds you yet in Flanders, + And all is mud and messiness and sleet, + And men have temperatures and horses glanders, + And Brigadiers have trouble with their feet, + And life is bad for Company-Commanders, + And even Thomas's is not so sweet. + + Now cooks for kindlewood would give great riches, + And in the dixies the pale stew congeals, + And ration-parties are not free from hitches, + But all night circle like performing seals, + Till morning breaks and everybody pitches + Into a hole some other person's meals. + + Now regiments huddle over last week's ashes + And pray for coal and sedulously "rest," + Where rain and wind contemn the empty sashes, + And blue lips frame the faint heroic jest, + Till some near howitzer goes off and smashes + The only window that the town possessed. + + Yet somehow Christmas in your souls is stirring, + And Colonels now less viciously upbraid + Their Transport Officers, however erring, + And sudden signals issue from Brigade + To say next Tuesday Christmas is occurring, + And what arrangements have Battalions made? + + And then, maybe, while everyone discusses + On what rich foods their dear commands shall dine, + And (most efficiently) the Padre fusses + About the birds, the speeches and the wine-- + The Corps-Commander sends a fleet of 'buses + To whisk you off to Christmas in the line. + + You make no moan, nor hint at how you're faring, + And here in turn we try to hide our woe, + With taxis mutinous, and Tubes so wearing, + And who can tell where all the matches go? + And all our doors and windows want repairing, + But can we get a man to mend them? No. + + The dustman visits not; we can't get castor; + In vain are parlour-maids and plumbers sought, + And human intellect can scarcely master + The time when beer may lawfully be bought, + Or calculate how cash can go much faster, + And if one's butcher's acting as he ought. + + Our old indulgences are now not cricket; + Whate'er one does _some_ Minister will cuss; + In Tube and Tram young ladies punch one's ticket, + With whom one can't be cross or querulous; + All things are different, but still we stick it, + And humbly hope we help a little thus. + + So, Fellow-sufferers, we give you greeting-- + All luck, all laughter and an end of wars! + And just to strengthen you for Fritz's beating, + I'm sending out a parcel from the Stores; + _They mean to stop my annual over-eating, + But it will comfort me to think of yours._ + + A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +THE BANK'S MISTAKE. + +"I wish," said Francesca, "you would explain something to me." + +"I am full," I said, "of explanations of every conceivable difficulty. +You have only to tap me and an explanation will come bubbling out." + +"I am not sure that I want the bubbling sort. On the whole I think I +prefer the still waters that run deep." + +"Those too can be provided for you. All you have got to do is to ask." + +"What a comfort it is," she said, "to live constantly in the mild and +magnificent eye of an encyclopædia." + +"Yes," I said, "it saves a lot of running about, doesn't it? Come now, +fire off your question." + +"What is your opinion of the Bank of England?" + +"The Bank of England?" I gasped. "One doesn't have opinions of the +Bank of England. One just accepts it, you know, and there you are." + +"Yes," she said, "that's exactly what I felt about it. I thought it +was one of the signs of our superiority to everybody else, with its +crisp banknotes and all that." + +"You mustn't forget its detachment of the Guards to protect it. Many's +the good dinner I've had with the officer of the Bank Guard in the old +days." + +"I'm afraid that leaves me cold, not being able to take part in it." + +"If it gave me pleasure to dine at the Bank, I should have thought the +subject would have interested you." + +"Well, it wasn't exactly what I wanted to consult you about." + +"What was it then?" I said. "You know you mustn't cast doubts on the +financial stability of the Bank. You'll be put in prison if you do." + +"I shouldn't dream of doing anything of the sort." + +"Come, then, be quick about it. This suspense is making me tremble for +my War Loan Bonds." + +"Is the Bank," said Francesca, "a generous institution?" + +"Banks," I said, "cannot afford to be generous. They are just and +accurate and there's an end of it." + +"The Bank of England," she said, "being so great, is an exception to +the rule. Anyhow, it has been generous to me, for it has given me one +hundred pounds." + +"Do you mean," I cried, "one hundred pounds that don't belong to you?" + +"Of course I do. If they had belonged to me there wouldn't have been +anything to make a fuss about." + +"This," I said, "is one of the most breathless things ever known. +A mere woman, who is unskilled in finance and has only the dimmest +recollection of the rule of three and compound interest, gets the +better of the greatest banking institution in the world to the tune of +one hundred pounds. It's incredible. Of course you've made a mistake." + +"That's right," she said. "Always go against your wife and think her +wrong, even when it is only an institution that she's contending +with." + +"It's precisely because it is an institution that I doubt your +statement." + +"You're not very helpful; you don't tell me whether I'm to sit down +under the burden of owning one hundred pounds of the bank's money that +doesn't belong to me." + +"Francesca," I said, "you must calm yourself and tell me as clearly +as possible how you came into possession of this extra hundred pounds +which is apparently burning a hole in your pocket--if indeed you have +a pocket, which I doubt." + +"You're quite wrong; I've got two pockets in the dress I'm wearing at +this moment." + +"I will not," I said, "discuss with you the number of your pockets. +Now tell me your pathetic story. I am all ears." + +"Well," said Francesca, "it's this way. I put one hundred pounds in +the old War Loan, and then Exchequer Bonds came along, and I put one +hundred pounds of my very best savings into them, and then came the +new Five per Cent. War Loan, and somehow or other I got converted into +that. And after that there was what they called a broken amount, which +I brought up to fifty pounds or a multiple of fifty pounds. That cost +me about forty pounds. I don't know why they wanted me to do it or why +I did it." + +"Probably they thought it would be easier for the Bank." + +"That's paltry; easiness ought to have nothing to do with it." + +"Anyhow," I said, "I make out from your statement that you ought to +have two hundred and fifty pounds of Five per Cent. Stock to your +credit." + +"Precisely," said Francesca impressively, "but yesterday morning I +received from the bank a dividend thing--" + +"You may call it a warrant," I said. + +"A dividend warrant," continued Francesca, "for eight pounds fifteen +shillings on _three_ hundred and fifty pounds, so what have you got to +say now for your precious Bank of England?" + +"Your tale," I said, "has interested me strangely, but there is one +point you omitted to mention." + +"I am innocent, my Lord," said Francesca. "I have told you the truth." + +"But not the whole truth, prisoner at the bar. Don't you remember that +when the new Loan came out you borrowed money from me in order to take +up one hundred pounds of it?" + +"Is _that_ it?" said Francesca. "No, I hadn't remembered that." + +"Of course," I said, "a financial magnate like yourself would easily +forget so wretched a sum; but the Bank has done no wrong." + +"Yes, it has; it sent out a lot of papers that were very confusing, +and it's no wonder I made a mistake." + +"The question in my mind," I said, "is this: when are you going to +repay what you owe me--with interest?" + +"We'll talk about that another time," said Francesca. + +R.C.L. + + * * * * * + +FOR OUR SAILORS AND SOLDIERS. + +The Veterans Association is giving a Special Entertainment at the +Alhambra on Sunday afternoon, December 30th, on behalf of their +Imperial Memorial Fund which is being raised to expand the Veterans +Club into an adequate Institution for the comfort of ex-sailors +and ex-soldiers, and to provide an Imperial Memorial for those who +have given their lives in the War. The Veterans Club in Hand Court, +Holborn, has already done a great work during the six or seven years +of its existence in looking after sailors and soldiers. Free medical +and legal advice is given, and the homes of the men are protected +by the storing of their furniture while they are on active service. +Employment is also found for soldiers and sailors whose service is +done. For the Entertainment at the Alhambra on the 30th, the following +artistes, among others, have generously volunteered their services: +Miss VIOLET LORAINE, Miss PHYLLIS MONCKMAN, Miss WISH WYNNE, Miss ESMÉ +BERINGER, Messrs. LAURI DE FRECE, MARK LESTER, HERBERT GROVER and +GEORGE ROBEY. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER SEX PROBLEM. + + "Henry III. was Queen Mary's brother-in-law, she having been + for a short time the husband of his predecessor, Francis + II."--_The Sphere._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SPREAD OF THE QUEUE HABIT.] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +One of the most interesting features, to an English observer, in the +impressive spectacle of America girding herself for war is the sight +of our great Ally passing through all those phases of initiation that +to us are now remote memories. Such a phase is the coming of the +first war-books, exemplified for me by the appearance of _From the +Fire Step_ (PUTNAMS). As his sub-title indicates--_Experiences of an +American Soldier in the British Army_--the writer, Mr. ARTHUR GUY +EMPEY, has proved himself something of a pioneer. In a singularly +vivacious opening chapter he tells how, after waiting with decreasing +expectation during the months that followed the _Lusitania_ crime, he +decided to be a law unto himself, and came alone to offer his personal +service in the cause of freedom. You will hardly read unmoved (by +laughter as much as by sympathy) his story of how this offer was at +first refused, then accepted. Throughout indeed you must prepare to +find Mr. EMPEY an entirely independent, though generous, critic of +our men and methods; it is precisely this attitude that gives his +book its chief interest as a survey of all-too-familiar things from +a refreshingly new angle. I hardly suppose there will be anything in +the actual matter, from church parade to gas-attacks, which readers +on this side will not by now have seen or heard about, times beyond +number; but one can imagine sympathetically with what concern it +will all be received in the homes oversea; and after turning its +high-spirited and encouraging pages can warmly echo the admonition of +their writer: "Pacifists and small-army people please read with care!" + + * * * * * + +Since there is probably no writer who can approach Mrs. FLORA ANNIE +STEEL in the art of telling Indian tales about Indian people, one is +specially happy to find her in _Mistress of Men_ (HEINEMANN) with +her foot once more upon her special terrain. Not for the first time, +I think, she has gone to the records of the House of AKBAR for her +material; the result here is hardly to be called a novel so much as +amplified history, since it is really the life story of an actual +(and wonderful) woman, NURJAHÂN THE BEAUTIFUL, wife of the Emperor +JAHÂNGIR. Naturally the writer has experienced not only the great +advantages but the hazards of such a building upon fact. To explain +the marriage of your heroine with the Imperial lover by whose orders +her first husband was killed, and not to lessen sympathy for her in +the process, is a problem to test the skill of any novelist. One sees, +however, even without Mrs. STEEL'S own declaration, that it has been +for her a grateful task to set down "a record of the most perfect +passion ever shown by man for woman." This was the adoration of the +EMPEROR for his consort, an amazing romance of Oriental domesticity, +which makes the story of the pair stranger and more fascinating than +fiction. A love-tale indeed; and, since 'tis love that makes a book +go round, one may trust the circulating libraries to see to it that +_Mistress of Men_ is well represented on their shelves. As a study +of an alluring, dazzling and masterful personality it was well worth +writing. + + * * * * * + +There is a sad interest in the title-page of _Irish Memories_ +(LONGMANS), since only by a pathetic fiction does it bear the names, +as joint authors, of E. OE. SOMERVILLE and "MARTIN ROSS," those two +gifted ladies whose association has been such a happy chance for +them and for us all. Really the book, though in part compiled from +the letters and journals of "MARTIN," is an eloquent tribute by Miss +SOMERVILLE to the partner whose death has robbed her of a friend and +the world of so much kindly laughter. But, haunted as it is by this +shadow of bereavement, you must in no way think of it as wholly a +thing of gloom. Looking back into the good years, the writer has +recalled many incidents and scenes full of that genial and most +infectious merriment that we have learnt to expect from her--tales of +the wonderful peasant chorus that one remembers first in the pages of +_An Irish R.M._, exploits after hounds (it needs no telling how well +both authors loved them), and much besides. There will be interest +also for many uninitiated admirers in the account here given of how +the famous stories came first into being. Of its more intimate and +personal side I hesitate to speak; those who loved "MARTIN ROSS," +either through her writings or in the closer relationship of friend, +must be glad that her _ave atque vale_ has been spoken, as she would +have wished it, by her whose right it was. It will send many to +read again those delightful volumes with a new appreciation of the +sympathetic and lovable personality that helped in their making. + + * * * * * + +I am afraid that something of the charm which, in a sympathetic +preface, M. HENRI BORDEAUX claims for _A Crusader in France_ (MELROSE) +is veiled by a rather faltering translation. I would counsel all +who appreciate the exquisitely sensitive _Récit d'une Soeur_, with +which he not unfavourably compares it, to go rather to the French +original of these letters of a young captain of the famous Chasseurs +Alpins. Captain FREDERIC BELMONT fell near the stubbornly-contested +Hartmannsweilerkopf in 1916. He was the third of his family to give +his life for France. The letters reveal a character that hardships +and dangers not only strengthened but refined. He writes with a noble +French ardour of his country in the crisis of her fate. He dreads, but +rises greatly to the height of, his heavy responsibility as Captain at +the age of twenty-one. The coveted cross of the Legion of Honour comes +to him before the end, and he wins the affection and confidence of his +men--a soldier's highest prize. A deep religious conviction unclouded +by superstition sustains his courage. He is a product of the French +Catholic tradition at its best. He writes intelligently of his work, +and with a greater freedom as to detail than our more exigeant +censorship allows; so that you get an excellent picture of the daily +life of a campaigner in the greatest of all wars. He met the English +in Flanders, admired and liked their looks and ways.... A very +charming record of a gallant soldier, a chosen soul. + + * * * * * + +In the first few pages of _At the Serbian Front in Macedonia_ (LANE), +Mr. E.P. STEBBING tells so many little anecdotes that I began to +wonder if he was ever going to get there. When, however, he has +got into his stride, he gives us information which is all the more +valuable because we hear so little of the Macedonian campaign. Mr. +STEBBING was appointed Transport Officer to a unit of the Scottish +Women's Hospitals that was sent to the Serbian Front. Naturally he has +much to say of the work done by these brave and untiring women. Under +exceptionally difficult circumstances their courage never failed, +and it is good to remember that their arrival at Ostrovo was of the +greatest possible service to the Serbs. That is one part of the book, +and it is well told. The other is of actual war, and here Mr. STEBBING +was given ample opportunities to observe. No one can read his account +of the taking of Kajmaktcalan without feeling the keenest admiration +for the gallantry of the Serbs. He also describes very graphically the +frontal attack by the French upon the Kenali lines in October, 1916. +The British public is too apt to look upon the Macedonian campaign +as a prolonged picnic, and for them a dose of Mr. STEBBING would be +excellent medicine. I wish someone with our own troops would do as +sound a service for them as is done here for the Serbs and French. +But let him avoid anecdotes. + + * * * * * + +I am a little puzzled about _A Bolt from the East_ (METHUEN). The +publishers, who surely should know, call it "A modern and up-to-date +romance, which deals mystically but boldly with the greatest and most +pertinent of all questions--'Is Life Worth Living?'" But for my own +part the greatest and most pertinent question suggested by Mr. G.F. +TURNER'S up-to-date romance was whether it could possibly have been +intended as serious. I despair of giving you any adequate idea of its +contents. There are lots and lots of characters, and, as several of +them seem to own more than one personality, it is often more than a +little hard to say who is what. The central figure is an Indian Prince +of marvellous beauty and mysterious powers, who, being jilted by the +girl of his heart, wishes to be revenged upon the human race. To this +end he employs the activities of a German Professor, who produces what +one might call a _Kultur_ of the sterility germ. However, these cheery +projects go astray, though in precisely what manner I have no very +clear idea. But the end came at a gathering where the _Prince_ played +psychic music, and a chance union of hands between hero and heroine +transmuted the former from "a dilettante" and "polished ladies' man" +to "a virile male filled with the blasting vehemence of primary +passions." Incidentally it proved altogether too much both for the +_Professor_ and his inoculated rabbits, all of whom expired on the +spot. Just about here that most pertinent question became more acute +than ever. Fortunately it was the last page but one of the story. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Visitor_. "I HEAR YOUR BOY IS IN PALESTINE. HOW +INTERESTING IT MUST BE FOR HIM TO MOVE AMONG THOSE SCENES WHERE EVERY +SPOT BEINGS UP SOME RECOLLECTION OF THE WONDERFUL EVENTS OF BIBLICAL +HISTORY!" + +_The Mother_. "TED DON'T SAY MUCH ABOUT THAT IN 'IS LETTERS. 'E SEEMS +TO THINK THE COUNTRY IS SUFFERIN' FROM A FLY-PAPER SHORTAGE."] + + * * * * * + "Senhor Rodrique Bettencourt will be Premier, and Senhor + Adinterin, President of the Republic."--_Dublin Daily Express_. + +But is nothing to be done for Senhors Defacto and Dejure? + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +153, DEC. 19, 1917*** + + +******* This file should be named 11466-8.txt or 11466-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/4/6/11466 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Dec. 19, 1917</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Release Date: March 5, 2004 [eBook #11466]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: iso-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 153, DEC. 19, 1917***</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<center><b>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</b></center> +<br /> +<br /> + <hr class="full" /> + <br /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 153.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>December 19, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page407" + id="page407"></a>[pg 407]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>GENERAL ALLENBY having announced that all the holy places in + Jerusalem will be protected, the KAISER is about to issue a + manifesto to his Turkish subjects, pointing out that so much + time has elapsed since he was there in 1898 that the place can + no longer be considered as holy as it was.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is now stated that the leader of the Sinn Feiners is an + American citizen. It is hardly likely, however, in view of the + friendly relations prevailing between ourselves and the United + States, that the point will be pressed.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Another lengthy pamphlet on the subject of cheese has been + issued by the FOOD-CONTROLLER. The Department now claims that + there is no excuse for even the simplest grocer failing to + recognise a cheese when he sees it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A painful story comes from the North of England. It appears + that a man left his home saying that he would obtain a pound of + Devonshire butter or die. He was only thirty-four years of + age.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A leaflet containing President WILSON'S recent speech to + Congress has been passed by the CENSOR, who, however, does not + wish it to be understood that he could not have improved on it + if he had cared to.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A grave state of affairs is reported by a New York paper. It + appears that America will shortly ask Mexico to make + revolutions a criminal offence. They'll be stopping baseball + next.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A question put by Mr. FIELD in the House of Commons + suggested that M.P.s should travel on railways free of charge. + The chief objection seems to be that they would be sure to want + return tickets.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A domestic servant points out in a contemporary that she has + worked from seven in the morning until ten o'clock at night for + six months without a break. Another domestic who holds the + smash-as-smash-can record wonders where this poor girl learnt + her business.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Discussing the London taxi strike a contemporary remarks + that both sides ought to meet. Failing that, we think that at + least one side might meet.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Writing to <i>The Evening News</i> a Maidstone gentleman + protested against the action of the authorities who covered up + the Tank in Trafalgar Square on Sundays. On the first Sunday it + seems that somebody tripped over it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There appears to be an epidemic of trouble in the animal + world. An elephant at the Zoo has just died, while only a few + days ago a travelling crane collapsed at Glasgow.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Burglars who looted an Oxford Street shop last week obtained + admission by making a hole through a brick wall. It is supposed + the shop door was closed.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Surely it is only hindering matters for people to keep + writing to the Press on the matter of the appointment of a + Minister of Health. It seems to be overlooked that so far + <i>The Daily Mail</i> has not indicated who should be appointed + to that position.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Government having reaffirmed their statement that they + have "no further fear of submarines," it is felt to be high + time that someone in authority should break it to the U-boats + that they might as well give it up and go home.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The gentleman who wrote to the Press offering to sell eggs + at <i>4s. 7d.</i> a dozen has since explained that he merely + wanted to show how much higher the market price is than his + would have been if he had really had any eggs to sell.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We understand that it has not yet been decided in Berlin + what the Sultan of TURKEY thinks of the capture of + Jerusalem.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Four letters of QUEEN ELIZABETH have just been sold by + auction. Strangely enough, nothing is said in them about her + having no quarrel with the Spanish people, but only with their + Monarch.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Is the potato the saviour of the Fatherland?" asks the + <i>Deutsche Tageszeitung</i>. Another slight to the + ALL-HIGHEST.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/407.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/407.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Both together</i>. "NOW, MY MAN, WHY + DON'T YOU SALUTE WHEN YOU PASS AN OFFICER?" + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>From a review of Lord LISTER'S "Life":—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"It was in Edinburgh that he struck his most famous + patient, Henley, who has a record of the 'Chief' in his + rhymes and rhythms, 'In Hospital.'"—<i>Daily + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>But it was not in reference to this incident that HENLEY + wrote, "My head is bloody but unbowed."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"If all fools were rationed there could be no fixed + scale."—<i>Star</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Of course not; we have always noticed that the bigger the + fool the more he eats.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Bassano is a nice town, by a dam + site."—<i>Canadian Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>But a Canadian friend tells us there are others "a dam sight + nicer."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The German government has a terrific explosive, which + is being held in reserve to the last.... It is said that a + bomb weighing scarcely ten kilometres can annihilate + everything within a radius of two thousand + feet."—<i>New York Herald</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We do not mind saying that we are frankly afraid of a bomb + that weighs about six miles.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"TIPPERARY BURGLARY.—Tipperary Temperance Club + premises have been gurgled."—<i>Cork + Examiner</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>GILBERT'S burglar up-to-date: "He loves to hear the + Temperance Club a-gurgling."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"General Allenby, no doubt, will go in due time to the + House of Lords, and military men are taking a jocular + interest in his selection of a title. Lord Bathsheba might + serve, or Lord Hebron. Lord Jerusalem smacks of the + jocose."—<i>Birmingham Daily Post</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>For our part we thought "Lord Bathsheba" rather funny + too.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h3>An Historical Curiosity.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"At Blenheim is a small glass-topped table, which + contains the sword of the great Duke of Marlborough, also a + letter addressed by him to Sarah Duchess from the field of + Waterloo."—<i>The Queen</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page408" + id="page408"></a>[pg 408]</span> + + <h2>OUR PACIFISTS.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Far as my humble daily round extends,</p> + + <p class="i2">There's none but longs to see us lay the + foe low;</p> + + <p>I cannot trace upon my list of friends</p> + + <p class="i2">A solitary instance of a Bolo;</p> + + <p>So that I've sometimes nursed a doubt</p> + + <p>Whether there are such lots of them about.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But now, when that <i>Gazette</i> in which I + read</p> + + <p class="i2">(To learn its views on any given + matter</p> + + <p>And so avoid 'em) hints that no such breed</p> + + <p class="i2">Exists among us, save in idle + chatter,</p> + + <p>I am convinced the country reeks</p> + + <p>With these unnatural and noisome freaks.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Only the worst are out for German pay;</p> + + <p class="i2">Some claim ideals on the loftiest + level;</p> + + <p>Peace (and a fig for Honour) is their lay—</p> + + <p class="i2">Peace and the Brotherhood of man and + devil;</p> + + <p>They love all sorts beneath the sun—</p> + + <p>Even an Englishman; but best a Hun.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They save the choicest of their tears to shed</p> + + <p class="i2">For those who break all laws divine and + human;</p> + + <p>They'd bid the dead past cover up its dead,</p> + + <p class="i2">Forgetful of our murdered, child and + woman;</p> + + <p>Forgetful of our drowned who sleep</p> + + <p>Without a grave beneath the wandering deep.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I know not how or when this War will close,</p> + + <p class="i2">But this I know: unless my brain goes + rotten,</p> + + <p>Never will I clasp hand with hand of those,</p> + + <p class="i2">False to their blood, who'd have these + things forgotten,</p> + + <p>Who want a peace untimely made</p> + + <p>Before the uttermost account is paid.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thirty years on, when weak with age, I might</p> + + <p class="i2">Possibly talk to some repentant + Teuton;</p> + + <p>But, while I still can tell a knave at sight</p> + + <p class="i2">And have enough of strength to keep a + boot on,</p> + + <p>Only in one way will I get</p> + + <p>In touch with samples of the Bolo Set.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE CADET'S FRIEND.</h2> + + <p>MISUNDERSTOOD.—You were in the wrong. The custom of + throwing chicken-bones over the right shoulder is practised + only in the mess of the 13th Bavarian Landsturm Regiment. + Still, considering that you had only joined that day, we think + your colonel acted hastily.</p> + + <p>AS YOU WERE (and several other Correspondents).—The + executive order for the new combined movement of "About turn + and left incline" is given when the joint of the left big toe + is opposite the right instep (in Rifle regiments substitute + right for left and left for right).</p> + + <p>SUBALTERN.—Your company commander is without authority + for reproving you for shaving off your moustache. All the same, + judging by the photograph you enclose, we think you would be + wise to keep as much of your face covered as possible.</p> + + <p>FIELD-MARSHAL'S BATON.—No, you are mistaken in + supposing that a private soldier under close arrest may spend + two hours daily in the regimental canteen. The only stimulant + allowed him is one glass (2 oz., Mark IV.) of port daily with + the orderly officer when the latter inspects the guardroom.</p> + + <p>SUFFERER.—(1) No, White Star gas is never employed by + army dentists. (2) No, you need not take your respirator with + you. You hire the anæsthetist's at a small charge.</p> + + <p>PINK RATS.—You assume that if you were appointed a + mopper-up you would <i>ex-officio</i> be put in charge of the + rum-ration. This is not the case. The function of moppers-up is + to collect souvenirs for the new Great War Museum, to be housed + in one of the four remaining London hotels.</p> + + <p>OBSERVER.—German minnenwerfer are not dangerous if + their flight is carefully watched, as they swerve to the left, + and their landing-place can thus be fairly accurately judged. + Two varieties, however—the windupwerfer and the + hoppitwerfer—swerve to the right. The googliwerfer + swerves both ways.</p> + + <p>SOCIABLE.—The correct method of dealing with snipers + in a house is to ring the front-door bell with the thumb and + forefinger of the right hand, at the same time smartly + inserting a charge of cordite into the letter-box with the + left. Indents for postmen's uniforms for this purpose should be + rendered to D.A.D.O.S. in triplicate.</p> + + <p>STATISTICIAN.—The world's record is held by the + adjutant of the pioneer battalion of the 371st Silesian Foot + Regiment. There is unimpeachable evidence to prove that he was + heard drinking gravy soup from a distance of 477 metres. The + night was calm.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>IF THE PAPER SHORTAGE INCREASES.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Some Future Press Items.</i>)</h4> + + <p>FICTION FAMINE IN THE PROVINCES.</p> + + <p>From many districts come reports of great difficulty in + obtaining novels. Yesterday in a well-known Midland town the + unusual sight was observed of long queues outside the chief + booksellers'. Several libraries displayed notices bearing the + words, "No GARVICE to-day"; and quite early in the afternoon + best quality BENSONS were practically unobtainable, even by + regular customers.</p> + + <p>FIRST CONDITIONAL SALE PROSECUTION.</p> + + <p>Much interest has been roused in East Anglia over the fine + of one hundred pounds inflicted by the Bench upon a local + bookseller, found guilty of the Conditional Sale of Fiction. + The chief witness, a retired stockbroker, proved that defendant + refused to supply his order for a shilling's worth of O. HENRY + unless he also purchased a remainder copy of <i>Wanderings + Round Widnes</i> (published at twelve-and-six net). The + Chairman, remarking that the case was a specially flagrant one, + expressed a hope that the result would protect the public from + such imposition in future.</p> + + <p>VALUABLE DISCOVERY.</p> + + <p>In view of the serious shortage in reliable fiction, nothing + less than a sensation is likely to result from the reported + discovery of an entirely satisfactory BARCLAY substitute in + tabloid form. Should the tidings prove well authenticated, the + patrons of circulating libraries will have good reason for + satisfaction. The new preparation is said to be even sweeter + than the original article, and equally sustaining.</p> + + <p>FICTION CARDS COMING.</p> + + <p>On inquiry at the Albert Hall (recently taken over as + offices by the Literature Control Committee), our + representative was emphatically assured that, should the system + of voluntary romance-rationing prove unsatisfactory, some form + of compulsion will become inevitable. It was pointed out that + the indicated maximum of one novel or magazine per head weekly + is amply sufficient for all reasonable requirements. The + attention of the public is further called to the need of making + the fullest and most economical use of the allowance, and not + wasting the advertisement pages, which contain much readable + and stimulating matter, the patent medicine paragraphs + especially being rich in the finest imaginative fiction.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page409" + id="page409"></a>[pg 409]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/409.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/409.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE NEED OF MEN.</h3> + + <p>MR. PUNCH (<i>to the Comber-out</i>). "MORE POWER TO + YOUR ELBOW, SIR. BUT WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO FILL UP THAT + SILLY GAP?"</p> + + <p>SIR AUCKLAND GEDDES. "HUSH! HUSH! WE'RE WAITING FOR THE + MILLENNIUM."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page410" + id="page410"></a>[pg 410]</span> + + <h2>"CHOCKCHAW;"</h2> + + <h3>OR, BIG-WIGS AT PLAY.</h3> + + <p>Somebody in the Old Country discovered, with the aid of a + hint or two, that the tooth (exact molar not specified) of the + General Staff Officer 3 was sweet. As a natural result a + certain famous firm of confectioners was indented upon heavily. + Day in, day out, perspiring orderlies arrived festooned with + parcels containing all kinds of wonderful things crammed with + all sorts of wonderful surprises. Life in the General Staff + Office resolved itself into four meals a day between + sweetmeats. The whole routine underwent a complete change. + Everyone who visited the place made, as a matter of course, a + bee line for the General Staff Canteen cupboard, and while + searching for the particular dainty he fancied broached the + subject of his visit in general terms. He then turned to the + officer he was addressing and politely offered him the kind of + delicacy he thought would blend best with the matter in + hand.</p> + + <p>And then Chockchaw arrived. It began by letting the G.S.O.3 + down badly the first day. All unsuspicious of its properties he + rang up a Division, popped a piece into his mouth and waited. + In due time the call came through, but no word could he utter. + "Chockchaw lockjaw" had set in. Only a horrible sound like the + squelching of ten gum-boots in the mud reached the indignant + Staff at the other end. After a minute's monologue they rang + off in disgust.</p> + + <p>Yet in spite of all difficulties the vogue of Chockchaw + swept through the Corps. It is such a ripe, rich, + full-flavoured irresistible concoction. Disadvantages there + are, of course, but, on the other hand, if you want to be + quiet, it is easy to lure the unsuspecting intruder on to + Chockchaw and leave it at that. After vain efforts the poor + fellow usually creeps away like a cat with too big a bone and + chews himself back to speech round the corner. He seldom + returns, and if he does—there is always more Chockchaw. + Should he refuse it this time you can take a piece yourself and + save the trouble of answering, anyway.</p> + + <p>Chockchaw entailed more perilous chances than at first + appeared probable. Indeed at one time it looked like seriously + impeding the course of final victory.</p> + + <p>On a certain brown November day the G.S.O.2 suddenly jumped + up from his chair, ran to the Canteen cupboard, popped a piece + of Chockchaw into his mouth (because he had a difficult March + Table to make out and needed sustenance) and fell to work + whistling like an ordinary human being (who cannot whistle). + I.O. (not the gadfly, but the Intelligence Officer) dropped in + with his usual list of suspected hostile emplacements. He took + Chockchaw in case he was asked pertinent questions. He has to + be <i>so</i> careful what he gives away unofficially. He knows + so <i>much</i>. Germans try to steal his summaries to find out + what their own intentions really are. The A.D.C. dropped in for + his usual morning chat and Chockchaw. The Staff Officer R.A. + (S.O.R.A.), that inveterate sweet-guzzler, also dropped in.</p> + + <p>"Hullo, what are you fellows munching?" asked the General, + coming in muddied all over. "Give me a bit; I've had no + breakfast. What's the news, Intelligence?" (No answer) "Is that + Move Order done, by the way?" (No answer.) "Why, what + the—Good Lord, I'm <i>stuck</i>! What stuff is this + you've given me?" And there they all stood chumping in + silence.</p> + + <p>The telephone rang. The absurdity of a dumb Staff tickled + everybody. They winked their appreciation of the situation at + one another. Not to be able to say "Thank you" on being + instructed "with reference to my telegram of to-day for L/Cpl. + Plunkett read L/Cpl. Plonkett," appealed to them. Amidst the + chuckles and gluggels of all, the G.S.O.3 was obliged to lift + the receiver. Something of the seriousness of the occasion must + have communicated itself to the others, for they crowded round + him, mumbling and munching sympathetically. Speechless, the + poor fellow wrote hastily on a buff slip of paper a Name, and + passed it round. It was the name of an Excessively Resplendent + One, whose lightest word results in headlines in the less + expensive daily press.</p> + + <p>A frightful panic came over all. What—a General Staff + ceasing to function even for a minute? It was unthinkable. The + news would be flashed through to all concerned and become the + subject of conversation in ten thousand messes that evening. It + must not be. Never was there such a kneading and gnashing of + teeth. But to no purpose. You cannot hurry Chockchaw; time, and + time alone, will defeat it. The General tried to pack it all + into one cheek. Useless; to attempt to sculpture in seccotine + would have been a simpler task. The G.S.O.2 tried a frontal + swallow, but only lined his throat more and more thickly until + respiration became difficult. The S.O.R.A. nearly swallowed his + tongue. The A.D.C., having cricked his jaw in the first five + seconds, counted ten and threw up the sponge. The voice at the + telephone became louder and more insistent. Flushed, hot and + flurried, the G.S.O.3 thrust the receiver into the hands of the + G.S.O.2, who handed it on to the General, who dropped it. + Nobody spoke. Only the crackling and cackling voice could be + heard from the receiver as it hung face downwards at the end of + its cord.</p> + + <p>It was a moment demanding imagination. Naturally the + Intelligence Officer felt the responsibility. He stepped + forward, slapped the mouthpiece three times with the palm of + his hand, rang off, rang on and slapped it again. The effect at + the other end must have been horrible, but it achieved its + purpose. By the time connection had been restored and the blood + of the Signal Master demanded, the A.D.C. had cheated with a + handkerchief and was able to gasp out that the Corps Commander + would enjoy seeing the Resplendent One any time that day.</p> + + <p>Thus the honour of the General Staff was saved, the + Intelligence Officer vindicated and the vogue of Chockchaw + brought to an untimely end.</p> + + <p>"You ought," said the General severely to the + G.S.O.3—"you ought to be unstuck for bringing such stuff + into the office."</p> + + <p>"I have never wished so hard in my life, Sir, to be + unstuck," said he.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/410.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/410.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>IN THE TOWER DISTRICT.</h3>"SAY, GUV'NOR, YER MIGHT + RESERVE A COUPLE OF FIRST-CLASS DUNGEONS FOR ME AN' MY + FRIENDS ON THE NEXT RAID NIGHT." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page411" + id="page411"></a>[pg 411]</span> + + <h2>THE SUPERIOR SEX.</h2> + + <p>"You are late again," said Clara, as I entered our domestic + portal. "What is it this time?"</p> + + <p>Gently but firmly I explained the reason. A certain amount + of tact was necessary, for my wife does not care for any + remarks that appear to reflect upon her sex.</p> + + <p>"Owing to the present abnormal state of things, my dear," I + said, "our office is now almost entirely staffed by women. In + many ways this is an improvement. Their refining influence upon + the dress and deportment of the few remaining male members of + the staff is distinctly noticeable. But there are, I regret to + say, certain drawbacks. Admittedly our superiors in many + respects, in others they are not, I am afraid, equal to the + situation. Take, for instance, matters of detail where + you—I mean they—should excel. I asked Miss Philpott + to write a letter—"</p> + + <p>"Did you post that letter for me this morning?" said Clara. + "If Mrs. Roberts doesn't get it she won't know where to meet me + to-morrow."</p> + + <p>It is a woman's privilege to wander from the point at issue. + I told Clara somewhat shortly that I had posted the letter, + although naturally I did not remember doing so. A man who has + hundreds of petty details to deal with every day, as I have, + develops an automatic memory—a subconscious mechanism + which never fails him.</p> + + <p>I explained this to Clara. "Not once in five thousand times + would it allow me to pass the pillar-box with an unposted + letter in my pocket. Perhaps it is the vivid red—"</p> + + <p>"And perhaps your vivid imagination," said my wife. "Well, I + am glad you posted the letter, for Mrs. Roberts, as you know, + never received the one you posted ten days ago."</p> + + <p>"I took that matter up very firmly with the local + postmaster," I said. "He explained to me that letters are now + almost entirely sorted and delivered by women, and he was + afraid mistakes sometimes happened. And just to satisfy you + about this last one, which I put as usual in my breast pocket + at the back of my other papers—" I produced the contents + of my pocket. As I expected the letter was not there.</p> + + <p>"Why do you carry so many papers in your pocket? What are + they all about?"</p> + + <p>"Candidly, my dear, I do not know. Without the element of + surprise life would be unbearably monotonous. That element I + deliberately carry with me in my breast pocket. When a dull + moment comes I empty my pockets. It would surprise + you—"</p> + + <p>"Nothing you do surprises me," said Clara. "Now go upstairs, + please, and make yourself tidy. Have a dull moment—not + more than one, for dinner is nearly ready—and get rid of + those papers."</p> + + <p>Although my wife has not a logical process of thought, at + times she makes sensible remarks. I took her advice. As I + anticipated I had some surprises.</p> + + <p>A few important business memoranda, a sugar form, two income + tax demands, a number of private letters and an unpaid coal + account made up the collection. There was really nothing I + could part with. Luckily I found two duplicates of the coal + account. These I could spare. As I opened one of them Mrs. + Roberts's letter fell out of it.</p> + + <p>I had just time to catch the post. I managed to reach the + front-door unobserved. My wife opened the dining-room window to + tell me that dinner was ready. I told her I had forgotten to + post a very important business letter.</p> + + <p>"A most unusual occurrence," I said.</p> + + <p>"Mary can post it for you. Dinner's on the table." Clara + extended her hand for the letter. I explained that it was so + very important that I could not even trust Mary.</p> + + <p>"Mary's sex is, of course, against her," said my wife, "but + I'll tell her to hold the letter out at arm's length. You can + see her all the way from the window and watch her put it in the + pillar-box."</p> + + <p>A little candour is sometimes necessary.</p> + + <p>"Strangely enough," I said, "the five-thousandth chance has + come off. It is true the letter is important, but the business + is yours, and the letter is addressed to Mrs. Roberts. I forgot + to post it this morning."</p> + + <p>"I know you did," said Clara. "You left it behind, and I + posted it myself."</p> + + <p>Here I saw that I was going to score. "Then what is this?" I + asked in triumph.</p> + + <p>"This," said Clara, taking it from me, "is the letter you + forgot to post ten days ago."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/411.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/411.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Mrs. Judkins</i> (<i>beating up + against the draught in the Tube</i>). "THANK GOODNESS + WE SHAN'T 'AVE NO AIR-RAID TO-NIGHT, MRS. 'ARRIS. IT + SEEMS TO BE BLOWIN' UP NICELY FOR RAIN." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page412" + id="page412"></a>[pg 412]</span> + + <h2>TO "MARTIN ROSS."</h2> + + <h4>(<i>After reading "Irish Memories</i>.")</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Two Irish cousins greet us here</p> + + <p class="i2">From BUSHE "the silver-tongued" + descended,</p> + + <p>Whose lives for close on thirty year</p> + + <p class="i2">Were indistinguishably blended;</p> + + <p>Scorning the rule that holds for cooks,</p> + + <p class="i2">They pooled their brains and joined their + forces,</p> + + <p>And wrote a dozen gorgeous books</p> + + <p class="i2">On men and women, hounds and horses.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They superseded <i>Handley Cross</i>;</p> + + <p class="i2">They glorified the "hunting fever;"</p> + + <p>They purged their pages of the dross,</p> + + <p class="i2">While bettering the fun, of LEVER;</p> + + <p>With many a priceless turn of phrase</p> + + <p class="i2">They stirred us to Homeric laughter,</p> + + <p>When painting Ireland in the days</p> + + <p class="i2">Before Sinn Fein bewitched and "strafed" + her.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>With them we watched good <i>Major Yeates</i></p> + + <p class="i2">Contending with litigious peasants,</p> + + <p>With "hidden hands" within his gates,</p> + + <p class="i2">With claims for foxes and for + pheasants;</p> + + <p>We saw <i>Leigh Kelway</i> drop his chin—</p> + + <p class="i2">That precious English + super-tripper—</p> + + <p>In shocked amazement drinking in</p> + + <p class="i2">The lurid narrative of + <i>Slipper</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Philippa's</i> piercing peacock squeals,</p> + + <p class="i2">Uttered in moments of expansion;</p> + + <p>The grime and splendour of the meals</p> + + <p class="i2">Of <i>Mrs. Knox</i> and of her + mansion;</p> + + <p>The secrets of horse-coping lore,</p> + + <p class="i2">The loves of <i>Sally</i> and of + <i>Flurry</i>—</p> + + <p>All these delights and hundreds more</p> + + <p class="i2">Are not forgotten in a hurry.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yet the same genial pens that freight</p> + + <p class="i2">Our memories with joyous magic</p> + + <p>Gave us the tale of <i>Francie's</i> fate—</p> + + <p class="i2">So vulgar, lovable and tragic;</p> + + <p>Just to the land that gave them birth</p> + + <p class="i2">They showed her smiling, sad and + sullen,</p> + + <p>And turning from the paths of mirth</p> + + <p class="i2">Probed the dark soul of <i>Charlotte + Mullen</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Alas! the tie, so close, so dear,</p> + + <p class="i2">Two years ago death rent asunder;</p> + + <p>Hushed is the voice so gay and clear</p> + + <p class="i2">Which moved us once to joy and + wonder;</p> + + <p>Yet, though they chronicle a loss</p> + + <p class="i2">Whose pang no lapse of time assuages,</p> + + <p>The spirit of brave "MARTIN ROSS"</p> + + <p class="i2">Shines like a star throughout these + pages.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Here in her letters may one trace</p> + + <p class="i2">The generous scorn, the gentle pity,</p> + + <p>The easy unaffected grace,</p> + + <p class="i2">The wisdom that was always witty;</p> + + <p>Here, mirrored in a sister soul,</p> + + <p class="i2">One sees the comrade, strong yet + tender,</p> + + <p>Who marched unfaltering to her goal</p> + + <p class="i2">Through sacrifice and self-surrender.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE FOOD OF THE FAMOUS.</h2> + + <p>The publication of Lord RHONDDA'S daily menu will, we hope, + lead other prominent people who are striving to follow his good + example to divulge the details of their dietary. But in case + their natural modesty may prevent them from doing so, Mr. Punch + ventures to supply a few unauthorised particulars.</p> + + <p>The source of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S boundless energy has long + been a mystery. It is now known to be derived from a raw leek + eaten on rising, and a dinner of Welsh rabbit, made from a + modicum of Government cheese and half a slice of war bread.</p> + + <p>With Mr. BONAR LAW all meals are oatmeals. A plate of + porridge at daybreak, bannocks slightly margarined, when + possible, for lunch, and a stiff cup of gruel just after + Question time keep him alert and smiling.</p> + + <p>Thanks to the Spartan habits formed during his connection + with both services, belt-tightening has no terrors for Mr. + WINSTON CHURCHILL. A quid of Navy tobacco suffices for + breakfast, and his only other meal consists of a slice of bully + beef with a hard biscuit served on an inverted + packing-case.</p> + + <p>The wild rumours recently current as to the amount of + nutriment required for the upkeep of Mr. G.K. CHESTERTON have + now been happily set at rest. The needful calories for + twenty-four hours of his strenuous existence are supplied by + two cups of cocoa, a shred of dried toast, a Brazil nut, a + glass of sodawater and a grilled banana.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"In one case the good cows from one herd had an average + production of 9,592 lbs. milk, and 406 lbs. of fat, while + the poor cows had a production of only 3,098 lbs. of milk + and 119 lbs. of tea."—<i>Farming News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Give us the poor cows every time.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From a Church paper:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"'EARLY CHRISTIANS.' I am sorry you cannot get these + from the Army and Navy Stores."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It sounds like the old tiger story.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A certain company commander, looking out of his + quarters, saw several Germans in possession of a dump not + far away. Although still in his sleeping clothes, he seized + his trench tick and rushed towards them. Why they did not + fire upon him is one of those little mysteries which will + probably never be explained."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Unless by the learned author of <i>Minor Horrors of War</i>, + who knows all about the fauna of the trenches.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE PERFECT CUSTOMER.</h2> + + <p>It was a very ordinary country sale of work. The Countess of + Bilberry declared it open in a neat little speech, and then + bought generously from every stall: her daughter, whose smile + nobody could resist, did a fine trade with raffle tickets for + the record pumpkin produced by the local allotments: Mrs. Dodd, + the Rector's wife, presided over a pair of scales and a + strictly rationed tea, and all the rest of the village sold + vegetables and socks and pincushions, and tried to pretend that + antimacassars and shaving tidies and woolwork waistbelts were + the most desirable things in the world when they were made by + wounded men at the nearest Red Cross Hospital, in whose aid the + sale was held.</p> + + <p>But there was one unique figure amongst all the folk who + knew each other, and each other's clothes, and each other's + clothes' cost, so well. She arrived at the Village Hall in a + pony-carriage, drawn by the ugliest little pony that ever + sniffed oats. She was very quietly and very tastefully dressed, + and, instead of concentrating on the well-laden stalls of + garden produce or the orderly stacks of knitted comforts, or + the really useful baskets, she went straight to the stall which + even Mrs. Dodd, who had the kindest heart in the countryside, + had been compelled to relegate to a dark corner. There was + woolwork run riot over cushions of incredible hardness; there + were candle-shades guaranteed to catch alight at the mere sight + of a match; there were crochet dressing-table mats, and there + was a three-legged stool on which even a fairy could not have + sat without danger of a break-down.</p> + + <p>The youngest Miss Dodd, a severely practical young lady of + sixteen, who was presiding at this stall, jumped up in surprise + at the sight of a customer, and in doing so knocked over a + glass box bound with red and white and blue ribbon, with + "Handkerchiefs" painted across the corner in a design of + forget-me-nots. There was very little glass box left when she + picked it up, and the splinters had made a good many little + craters in the surface of a big bowl of clotted cream, labelled + "Positively the last appearance for the Duration of the War," + which was at the corner of the next stall.</p> + + <p>The little stranger said that she would take the box and the + damaged cream too; she bought a whole family of crochet mats + with centres of orange woollen loops; three pincushions made of + playing cards discharged as no longer fit for active service; a + table-centre with pen-painting of the Allied flags, and a + letter-case with the badges of the + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page413" + id="page413"></a>[pg 413]</span> Dominions worked in wool + and "Across the sea, A letter from thee," straggling wearily + across one corner. Then there was an antimacassar in purple + and magenta sateen, with yellow daffodils making a brave + attempt to flourish in unlikely surroundings.</p> + + <p>At the next stall she bought a photograph frame which had + lost its prop in an unequal contest with a tea-tray which had + collapsed from the heartiness of the Rector's clapping at the + conclusion of the Countess's speech; and a Noah's Ark from + which the star performer and his very best beasts had somehow + disappeared.</p> + + <p>Then the little lady paused before the live-stock stall.</p> + + <p>"There isn't anything really hideous here," she murmured to + herself; "but I think that puppy—it's never had its tail + cut, and nobody will ever know whether it's a sealyham, a + spaniel or even a dash of a setter—I will take the puppy, + please," she added, "as soon as I've had some tea. After that I + will see what is left. You have such nice things."</p> + + <p>After tea she went back to the youngest Miss Dodd and + collected a few more of the more glaring atrocities, paid her + bills, and then went off to her pony-carriage; the youngest + Miss Dodd, very much inclined to giggle, bearing armfuls of odd + purchases in her wake, crowned by the bowl of cream and the + mongrel pup. She handed them in and was just going away when + the little old lady pressed a piece of paper into her hand.</p> + + <p>"I don't like to worry people," she said gently, "but if you + have time you might read this. It has been a great opportunity + to-day; I don't often find so much to be done—and I shall + love the puppy."</p> + + <p>The youngest Miss Dodd watched the start of the ugly pony + with a snigger and then went back into the lighted hall to read + the pamphlet. It was a touching little document—many + people know it well—and the youngest Miss Dodd, who had + never been known to sentimentalize over anything before, blew + her nose rather violently when she had read it.</p> + + <p>"Bless her dear little soul!" she said to herself: "I don't + wonder that pup was trying to kiss her. I only hope she won't + try to eat that cream with the glass in it, or give it to the + pup." For the pamphlet was the Rules for Membership and a + treatise on the Objects and Methods of the "Society for Buying + What Nobody Wants."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>More Profiteering.</h3> + + <p>"Beautiful champagne broche silk crepe de chine blouse; open + neck; one button; cost 2<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i>; accept + 15<i>s.</i>"—<i>The Lady</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/413.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/413.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>INEFFICIENCY IN THE NAVY.</h3> + + <p><i>First Bluejacket</i>. "HULLO, MATE, I THOUGHT YOU WAS + ASHORE WITH THE CAPTAIN, PLAYING GOLF."</p> + + <p><i>Second Bluejacket</i>. "WELL, SO I WAS. IT'S LIKE + THIS 'ERE. 'E GIVES ME 'IS STICKS TO CARRY, AND THEN TAKES + ONE AND PUTS A LI'L WHITE BALL ON TOP OF A BIT O' SAND AND, + MY WORD! HE CATCHES THAT BALL A FAIR SWIPE. MUST 'A' GONE + MILES. THEN 'E TURNS TO ME AND SEZ, 'DID YER SEE WHERE THAT + WENT TO?' SO I SEZ, SMART LIKE, 'OUT O' SIGHT FROM THE + MOMENT OF HIMPACT, SIR,' AN' 'E SEZ, 'GO BACK ON BOARD, YE + BLINKIN' FATHEAD!'"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>CONVERSIONS.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There was an exuberant flapper</p> + + <p>Who made people anxious to slap her;</p> + + <p class="i2">She uttered loud squeals</p> + + <p class="i2">And she smoked at all meals;</p> + + <p>Now she's married an elderly sapper.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There was a mild don who was muddy</p> + + <p>In mind and complexion by study;</p> + + <p class="i2">Now he flies fast and far,</p> + + <p class="i2">With a cross and a bar,</p> + + <p>And his face and his language are ruddy.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"BRITISH FRONT REINFORCED.</p> + + <p>"BY PERCIVAL PHILLIPS."</p> + + <p><i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Intrepid fellows, our war correspondents. What a pity there + are so few of them!</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A long, keen dagger will be supplied to every American + infantryman going to France. This weapon will be fitted + into one of the fighting men's leggings when he goes into + action, so he will have something to fall back on should + his bayonet fail."—<i>Canadian Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>If he's going to fall back on it, we hope the sharp end + won't be at the top.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page414" + id="page414"></a>[pg 414]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/414.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/414.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>The Sub.</i> "I SAY, SERGEANT-MAJOR, DO YOU REALISE + THAT THAT CHAP WITH THE BARROW IS A MEMBER OF AN + ARCHÆOLOGICAL SOCIETY?"</p> + + <p><i>The Sergeant-Major</i>. "WELL, SIR, 'E MAY BE WHAT + YOU SAY. PERSONALLY I'VE ALWAYS FOUND 'IM QUIET AND + WELL-BE'AVED."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE CLYDE-BUILT CLIPPER.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Many of the fast-sailing clippers which were making + fine passages in the Australian wool trade in the + 'seventies and onwards were laid up or turned into hulks + before the War. Recently, however, several have been + re-fitted for sea and are once more doing good + service.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A ship there was, and she went to sea</p> + + <p class="i2">(Away O, my Clyde-built clipper!)</p> + + <p>In eighteen hundred and seventy-three,</p> + + <p>Fine in the lines and keen in the bow,</p> + + <p>The way they've forgotten to build 'em now:</p> + + <p>Lofty masted and heavily sparred,</p> + + <p>With stunsail booms to every yard,</p> + + <p>And flying kites both high and low</p> + + <p>To catch the wands when they did blow</p> + + <p class="i2">(And away, my Clyde-built clipper!).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fastest ship on the Colonies run—</p> + + <p class="i2">(Away O, my racing clipper!)</p> + + <p>That was her when her time begun;</p> + + <p>Sixteen knots she could easily do,</p> + + <p>And thirteen knots on a bowline too;</p> + + <p>She could show her heels to anything made</p> + + <p>With sky-sails set in a favouring trade,</p> + + <p>Or when she was running her easting down</p> + + <p>From London River to Hobart Town</p> + + <p class="i2">(And away, my racing clipper!).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Old shellbacks knew her near and far</p> + + <p class="i2">(Away O, my old-time clipper!)</p> + + <p>From Circular Quay to Mersey Bar,</p> + + <p>And many a thundering lie they told</p> + + <p>About her runs in the days of old;</p> + + <p>But the time did come and the time did go,</p> + + <p>And she grew old as we all must grow,</p> + + <p>And the most of her gear was carried away</p> + + <p>When caught aback in a gale one day</p> + + <p class="i2">(And away, my old-time clipper!).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Her masts were sprung from fore to mizen</p> + + <p class="i2">(Away O, my poor old clipper!)</p> + + <p>And freights was poor and dues had risen,</p> + + <p>And there warn't no sense in rigging her new,</p> + + <p>So they laid her up for a year or two;</p> + + <p>And there they left her, and there she lay,</p> + + <p>And there she might have been laying to-day,</p> + + <p>But when cargoes are many and ships are few</p> + + <p>A ship's a ship be she old or new</p> + + <p class="i2">(And away, my poor old clipper!).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So in nineteen hundred and seventeen</p> + + <p class="i2">(Away O, my brave old clipper!)</p> + + <p>They've rigged her new and they've scraped her + clean</p> + + <p>And sent her to sea in time of war</p> + + <p>To sail the seas as she sailed before.</p> + + <p>And in nineteen hundred and seventeen</p> + + <p>She's the same good ship as she's always been;</p> + + <p>Her ribs are as staunch and her hull's as sound</p> + + <p>As any you'd find the wide world round</p> + + <p class="i2">(And away, my brave old clipper!).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The same as they were when she went to sea</p> + + <p class="i2">(Away O, my Clyde-built clipper!)</p> + + <p>In eighteen hundred and seventy-three,</p> + + <p>Fine in the lines and keen in the bow,</p> + + <p>The way they've forgotten to build 'em now;</p> + + <p>Lofty masted and heavily sparred,</p> + + <p>With stunsail booms to every yard,</p> + + <p>And flying kites both high and low</p> + + <p>To catch the winds when they did blow—</p> + + <p class="i2">(And away, my Clyde-built clipper!).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>C.F.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page415" + id="page415"></a>[pg 415]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/415.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/415.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE LAST CRUSADE.</h3>COEUR-DE-LION (<i>looking down on + the Holy City</i>). "MY DREAM COMES TRUE!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page416" + id="page416"></a>[pg 416]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday, December 10th</i>.—One would gather from + the hoardings that the Government wished to encourage the sale + of War Bonds by every possible means. Yet the CHANCELLOR OF THE + EXCHEQUER threw cold water on the efforts of certain firms to + increase the sale by the offer of cash prizes, and thought it + undesirable that this inducement should be imitated. The + advocates of Premium Bonds were a little depressed by this + announcement, but cheered up somewhat on observing that the + conscientious CHANCELLOR has no intention of refusing the + millions already raked into the Treasury by these "schemes of + doubtful legality."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/416-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/416-1.png" + alt="" /></a>THE BAD BOYS OF BROMPTON AND OXFORD + STREETS. + </div> + + <p>On the vote for an increase of fifty thousand men for the + Navy Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT solemnly announced that the Admiralty + was "fumbling with a magnificent weapon." It is distressing to + think that a body which for nearly ten years enjoyed his + services as Civil Lord should have deteriorated so rapidly + since he left it.</p> + + <p>Mr. LYNCH does not think much of the new scheme for securing + unity of effort among the Allies. He called it "the analogue of + the Aulic Council" (pronounced "Owlic," to give more effect to + the description).</p> + + <p>The Chequers Estate Bill passed through all its stages amid + a chorus of praise, despite the injunction of the generous + donors that there should be "no flowers."</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, December 11th</i>.—After all, London is to + have the BARNARD statue, despite the protest of Lord CHARNWOOD, + LINCOLN'S latest biographer, that it is not a portrait of his + hero, but of a man whose only connection with the PRESIDENT was + that he was born in the same neighbourhood. Against this Lord + WEARDALE quoted Mr. ROOSEVELT'S description of the statue as + "the Lincoln we all knew and loved." As Mr. ROOSEVELT had + reached the mature age of six when LINCOLN was assassinated the + COMMISSIONER OF WORKS seems to have regarded his testimony as + conclusive.</p> + + <p>At the request of Mr. KING the Peers are to be allowed to + listen to the secret debates of the Commons, if any of them + desire to do so. The hon. Member having expressed a hope that + the Peers would grant reciprocal facilities to the Commons, Mr. + HOGGE kindly suggested that the Government should grant him + "all the privileges of the House of Lords." But Mr. BONAR LAW + declined to deprive the House of Commons in that way of one of + its brightest ornaments; so the "Mad Hatter" will not be called + upon just yet awhile to exchange his traditional headgear for a + coronet.</p> + + <p>I presume some Members of Parliament know what "non-ferrous + metals" are, and what is the object of the Bill which the + Government has introduced to deal with them. But the views + which they took on the subject were so obscurely divergent that + all I could gather from the debate was that in some way or + other the measure was intended to be a nasty knock for German + trade. That was good enough for the House at large, which + passed the Second Reading by a substantial majority.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/416-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/416-2.png" + alt="" /></a>A HORRIBLE MENACE.<br /> + MR. JOSEPH KING. + </div> + + <p><i>Wednesday, December 12th</i>.—Mr. PRINGLE, having + asserted that candidates for appointments under the War Office + were successful simply on account of possessing a "pull" with + the Selection Department, was quietly reminded by the + UNDER-SECRETARY that he himself had attempted to use his + influence on behalf of a candidate. Mr. PRINGLE was righteously + indignant. He had never asked favours of the War Office; he had + merely "recommended men personally known to me." This delicate + distinction, which should have convinced Members of Mr. + PRINGLE'S disinterestedness, only made them laugh.</p> + + <p>On the Vote of Credit for 550 millions the CHANCELLOR OF THE + EXCHEQUER was invited by Mr. DILLON to make a survey of the + military situation. He replied that all the relevant facts were + known already. "The War is going on; the Government and the + country intend it shall go on; and money is necessary to make + it go on." It is, perhaps, a pity that he did not content + himself with this epitome and refuse to be drawn into a + discussion of the recent operations near Cambrai. What has Mr. + DILLON done to promote the prosecution of the War that he + should receive special consideration?</p> + + <p>There was a renewed discussion of the censorship of + pamphlets. Sir GEORGE CAVE ably defended the regulations, but + did not convince everyone that his preference for confiscation + over prosecution was entirely sound. The idea that the + publishers of these pamphlets would welcome advertisement is + probably erroneous, or why was it necessary to insist that they + should put their names to them?</p> + + <p>Mr. SPENCER HUGHES'S humorous attack upon the CENSOR was + much applauded on the Liberal benches. Some of the more + brilliant passages would have received even wider appreciation + if a good many Members had not heard them a week before from + the lips of Mr. AUGUSTINE BIRRELL at a non-political + luncheon.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, December 13th</i>.—Lord BERESFORD charged + the PRIME MINISTER with having two voices, like + <i>Caliban's</i> monster. Lord CURZON flatly declined to accept + the suggestion that Cabinet Ministers were collectively + responsible for one another's speeches—"they had far more + serious things to think of." The phrase seems a + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page417" + id="page417"></a>[pg 417]</span> little depreciatory, but as + Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, according to his candid colleague, is + "constitutionally an optimist" he will no doubt make the + best of it.</p> + + <p>Mr. HOUSTON was informed that sweets "for military, naval or + civil consumption" were still being imported, but that the + Ministry of Shipping made no special provision for their + carriage. No one, therefore, need grudge Sir ERIC GEDDES the + lozenge which he so ostentatiously popped into his mouth just + before making his speech on Admiralty administration, or + inquire too curiously whether it was consumed by him in his + capacity of Major-General, Vice-Admiral or Civilian + Minister.</p> + + <p>Despite the warning of the SPEAKER that it was not in the + national interest to embarrass the Administration, Mr. KING + insisted on trying to discuss forbidden topics. At last Lord + ROBERT CECIL "espied strangers," and we must assume that, + without the vivifying presence of the reporters, Mr. KING'S + oratory wilted, for an hour afterwards the House was up.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/417.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/417.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Polite Stranger</i>. "EXCUSE MY TURNING MY BACK UPON + YOU, SIR."</p> + + <p><i>Curmudgeon</i>. "SIR, I KNOW OF NO OBLIGATION ON YOUR + PART TO LOOK AT ME."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>The Reward of Patriotism.</h3> + + <p>"Major —— has placed the mansion at the disposal + of the War Office, and will be in charge of Sister + ——."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THINGS OVERHEARD IN WAR-TIME.</h2> + + <p>"There couldn't be room there for <i>all</i> the Jews, could + there?"</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"After waiting two hours I got half-a-pound."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"It should be made compulsory."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Wherever else these matches strike, they won't strike on + the box."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"I just turned over and went to sleep again."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"I wish the Government would tell <i>me</i> what I could do + for them."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Oh, another three years."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"What puzzles me is—Where is the paper shortage?"</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"We keep a gramophone in the basement now."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"No one is more willing than I am to do something."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"It's the children's festival—that's what I always + say."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HERBS OF GRACE.</h2> + + <h3>IX.</h3> + + <h3>PENNYROYAL.—A CAROL.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>"Far away in Sicily!"—</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>A home-come sailor sang this + rhyme,</i></p> + + <p><i>Deep in an ingle, mug on knee,</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>At Christmas time.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In Sicily, as I was told,</p> + + <p class="i2">The children take them Pennyroyal,</p> + + <p>The same as lurks on hill and wold</p> + + <p class="i2">In Cotsall soil.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Pennyroyal of grace divine</p> + + <p class="i2">In little cradles they do + weave—</p> + + <p>Little cradles therewith they line</p> + + <p class="i2">On Christmas Eve.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And there, as midnight bells awake</p> + + <p class="i2">The Day of Birth, as they do tell,</p> + + <p>All into bud the small plants break</p> + + <p class="i2">With sweetest smell.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All into bud that very hour;</p> + + <p class="i2">And pure and clean, as they do say,</p> + + <p>The Pennyroyal's full in flower</p> + + <p class="i2">On Christmas Day.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Far away in Sicily!—</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Hark, the Christmas bells do + chime!</i></p> + + <p><i>So blossom love in thee and me</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>This Christmas time!</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>W.B.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page418" + id="page418"></a>[pg 418]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/418.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/418.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Lady</i> (<i>to uniformed friend</i>). + "I SHOULDN'T A BIT MIND WEARING UNIFORM IF ONLY ONE + COULD CHOOSE ONE'S OWN COLOURS AT THE WAR OFFICE." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE V.C.</h2> + + <p>My cousin Agatha has been a bad correspondent ever since she + married my old friend, George Thimblewell, which means for the + past five-and-twenty years, so in ordinary circumstances I do + not expect more from her than a "hasty line" to tell me how the + youngsters are doing (George, of course, never writes at all). + But I must say I was surprised and not a little hurt when, in + the skimpy margin of a letter dealing mainly with the + difficulty of devising breakfast-dishes, she scribbled in the + most casual manner conceivable, "George has got the V.C. at + last."</p> + + <p>George, my dear old school-chum, with the V.C., and his wife + tells me of it as casually as if it had been a gumboil! I sat + with her letter before me and looked back through the years, + seeing us two—George and myself—as we were long + before Agatha even knew him. Had I not fostered the yearning + for heroic deeds in his young bosom? Was it not possible, nay + probable, that the influence of his boyhood's companion had + helped to mould his character and prepare it for this glorious + if belated achievement? Upon my word it seemed to me that I + myself might well take a certain amount of credit for that + decoration. And here was his wife mentioning it as though she + scarcely expected me to be interested. Never a date, never a + detail.</p> + + <p>I was so ruffled that I decided, since she vouchsafed no + information, to ask for none, as became a man with proper + pride. I adopted a semi-jocular vein to meet the case.</p> + + <p>"I have known your V.C. longer than you have, Agatha," I + wrote, "and am as pleased and proud as you can be. The strong + silent type—you can rely upon them. Quiet and + domesticated, requiring little attention, helpful about the + house, undemonstrative perhaps, but all the time ready for the + most desperate emergency. Let me know when George is to be at + home, and I shall come to dinner and hear all about it."</p> + + <p>As I sealed my note it occurred to me that George must be + the first special constable to win the Cross, and I felt a glow + of satisfaction to realise that we must now be eligible for + that most glorious of all decorations.</p> + + <p>A few days later came another note from Agatha, about + sugar-cards this time, but with a postscript which said, "It + isn't like you to chaff me, James. I don't see that there is + anything particularly funny about George having got the Vacuum + Cleaner which he promised me long ago."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>BIG GAME.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"General Allenby reports that Budrus and Sheikh Obeid + Rahid, to the north of Midieh, were captured by Gurkhas, 50 + Tanks being killed and 10 taken + prisoners."—<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Ruler wanted, experienced, male or female (male + preferred); wages according to ability; removal assistance; + away from raid area; permanency to suitable + applicant."—<i>Eastern Daily Press</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This might suit the KAISER, when Sir DOUGLAS HAIG has + provided the necessary "removal assistance."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"WHERE EX-TSAR KEEPS HIS GLOOMY COURT.</p> + + <p>"Built mostly of wood, the Imperial family occupies a + brick mansion."—<i>News of the World</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We are intended to infer, presumably, that if the Imperial + Family had been constructed of stouter material it might still + be in the Winter Palace.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page419" + id="page419"></a>[pg 419]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/419.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/419.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Motor Driver</i>. "NAH, THEN, WHERE'S YOUR REAR + LIGHT?"</p> + + <p><i>Countryman</i>. "NOW, THEN, YE OWD ZEPPERLEEN, DO YE + THINK I'M GOING TO SHOW YE WHERE I BE?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO THE REGIMENT.</h2> + + <h3>A CHRISTMAS MESSAGE.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So Christmas comes and finds you yet in + Flanders,</p> + + <p class="i2">And all is mud and messiness and + sleet,</p> + + <p>And men have temperatures and horses glanders,</p> + + <p class="i2">And Brigadiers have trouble with their + feet,</p> + + <p>And life is bad for Company-Commanders,</p> + + <p class="i2">And even Thomas's is not so sweet.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now cooks for kindlewood would give great + riches,</p> + + <p class="i2">And in the dixies the pale stew + congeals,</p> + + <p>And ration-parties are not free from hitches,</p> + + <p class="i2">But all night circle like performing + seals,</p> + + <p>Till morning breaks and everybody pitches</p> + + <p class="i2">Into a hole some other person's + meals.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now regiments huddle over last week's ashes</p> + + <p class="i2">And pray for coal and sedulously + "rest,"</p> + + <p>Where rain and wind contemn the empty sashes,</p> + + <p class="i2">And blue lips frame the faint heroic + jest,</p> + + <p>Till some near howitzer goes off and smashes</p> + + <p class="i2">The only window that the town + possessed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yet somehow Christmas in your souls is stirring,</p> + + <p class="i2">And Colonels now less viciously + upbraid</p> + + <p>Their Transport Officers, however erring,</p> + + <p class="i2">And sudden signals issue from Brigade</p> + + <p>To say next Tuesday Christmas is occurring,</p> + + <p class="i2">And what arrangements have Battalions + made?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And then, maybe, while everyone discusses</p> + + <p class="i2">On what rich foods their dear commands + shall dine,</p> + + <p>And (most efficiently) the Padre fusses</p> + + <p class="i2">About the birds, the speeches and the + wine—</p> + + <p>The Corps-Commander sends a fleet of 'buses</p> + + <p class="i2">To whisk you off to Christmas in the + line.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You make no moan, nor hint at how you're faring,</p> + + <p class="i2">And here in turn we try to hide our + woe,</p> + + <p>With taxis mutinous, and Tubes so wearing,</p> + + <p class="i2">And who can tell where all the matches + go?</p> + + <p>And all our doors and windows want repairing,</p> + + <p class="i2">But can we get a man to mend them? + No.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The dustman visits not; we can't get castor;</p> + + <p class="i2">In vain are parlour-maids and plumbers + sought,</p> + + <p>And human intellect can scarcely master</p> + + <p class="i2">The time when beer may lawfully be + bought,</p> + + <p>Or calculate how cash can go much faster,</p> + + <p class="i2">And if one's butcher's acting as he + ought.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Our old indulgences are now not cricket;</p> + + <p class="i2">Whate'er one does <i>some</i> Minister + will cuss;</p> + + <p>In Tube and Tram young ladies punch one's + ticket,</p> + + <p class="i2">With whom one can't be cross or + querulous;</p> + + <p>All things are different, but still we stick it,</p> + + <p class="i2">And humbly hope we help a little + thus.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So, Fellow-sufferers, we give you + greeting—</p> + + <p class="i2">All luck, all laughter and an end of + wars!</p> + + <p>And just to strengthen you for Fritz's beating,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm sending out a parcel from the + Stores;</p> + + <p><i>They mean to stop my annual over-eating,</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>But it will comfort me to think of + yours.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A.P.H.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page420" + id="page420"></a>[pg 420]</span> + + <h2>THE BANK'S MISTAKE.</h2> + + <p>"I wish," said Francesca, "you would explain something to + me."</p> + + <p>"I am full," I said, "of explanations of every conceivable + difficulty. You have only to tap me and an explanation will + come bubbling out."</p> + + <p>"I am not sure that I want the bubbling sort. On the whole I + think I prefer the still waters that run deep."</p> + + <p>"Those too can be provided for you. All you have got to do + is to ask."</p> + + <p>"What a comfort it is," she said, "to live constantly in the + mild and magnificent eye of an encyclopædia."</p> + + <p>"Yes," I said, "it saves a lot of running about, doesn't it? + Come now, fire off your question."</p> + + <p>"What is your opinion of the Bank of England?"</p> + + <p>"The Bank of England?" I gasped. "One doesn't have opinions + of the Bank of England. One just accepts it, you know, and + there you are."</p> + + <p>"Yes," she said, "that's exactly what I felt about it. I + thought it was one of the signs of our superiority to everybody + else, with its crisp banknotes and all that."</p> + + <p>"You mustn't forget its detachment of the Guards to protect + it. Many's the good dinner I've had with the officer of the + Bank Guard in the old days."</p> + + <p>"I'm afraid that leaves me cold, not being able to take part + in it."</p> + + <p>"If it gave me pleasure to dine at the Bank, I should have + thought the subject would have interested you."</p> + + <p>"Well, it wasn't exactly what I wanted to consult you + about."</p> + + <p>"What was it then?" I said. "You know you mustn't cast + doubts on the financial stability of the Bank. You'll be put in + prison if you do."</p> + + <p>"I shouldn't dream of doing anything of the sort."</p> + + <p>"Come, then, be quick about it. This suspense is making me + tremble for my War Loan Bonds."</p> + + <p>"Is the Bank," said Francesca, "a generous institution?"</p> + + <p>"Banks," I said, "cannot afford to be generous. They are + just and accurate and there's an end of it."</p> + + <p>"The Bank of England," she said, "being so great, is an + exception to the rule. Anyhow, it has been generous to me, for + it has given me one hundred pounds."</p> + + <p>"Do you mean," I cried, "one hundred pounds that don't + belong to you?"</p> + + <p>"Of course I do. If they had belonged to me there wouldn't + have been anything to make a fuss about."</p> + + <p>"This," I said, "is one of the most breathless things ever + known. A mere woman, who is unskilled in finance and has only + the dimmest recollection of the rule of three and compound + interest, gets the better of the greatest banking institution + in the world to the tune of one hundred pounds. It's + incredible. Of course you've made a mistake."</p> + + <p>"That's right," she said. "Always go against your wife and + think her wrong, even when it is only an institution that she's + contending with."</p> + + <p>"It's precisely because it is an institution that I doubt + your statement."</p> + + <p>"You're not very helpful; you don't tell me whether I'm to + sit down under the burden of owning one hundred pounds of the + bank's money that doesn't belong to me."</p> + + <p>"Francesca," I said, "you must calm yourself and tell me as + clearly as possible how you came into possession of this extra + hundred pounds which is apparently burning a hole in your + pocket—if indeed you have a pocket, which I doubt."</p> + + <p>"You're quite wrong; I've got two pockets in the dress I'm + wearing at this moment."</p> + + <p>"I will not," I said, "discuss with you the number of your + pockets. Now tell me your pathetic story. I am all ears."</p> + + <p>"Well," said Francesca, "it's this way. I put one hundred + pounds in the old War Loan, and then Exchequer Bonds came + along, and I put one hundred pounds of my very best savings + into them, and then came the new Five per Cent. War Loan, and + somehow or other I got converted into that. And after that + there was what they called a broken amount, which I brought up + to fifty pounds or a multiple of fifty pounds. That cost me + about forty pounds. I don't know why they wanted me to do it or + why I did it."</p> + + <p>"Probably they thought it would be easier for the Bank."</p> + + <p>"That's paltry; easiness ought to have nothing to do with + it."</p> + + <p>"Anyhow," I said, "I make out from your statement that you + ought to have two hundred and fifty pounds of Five per Cent. + Stock to your credit."</p> + + <p>"Precisely," said Francesca impressively, "but yesterday + morning I received from the bank a dividend thing—"</p> + + <p>"You may call it a warrant," I said.</p> + + <p>"A dividend warrant," continued Francesca, "for eight pounds + fifteen shillings on <i>three</i> hundred and fifty pounds, so + what have you got to say now for your precious Bank of + England?"</p> + + <p>"Your tale," I said, "has interested me strangely, but there + is one point you omitted to mention."</p> + + <p>"I am innocent, my Lord," said Francesca. "I have told you + the truth."</p> + + <p>"But not the whole truth, prisoner at the bar. Don't you + remember that when the new Loan came out you borrowed money + from me in order to take up one hundred pounds of it?"</p> + + <p>"Is <i>that</i> it?" said Francesca. "No, I hadn't + remembered that."</p> + + <p>"Of course," I said, "a financial magnate like yourself + would easily forget so wretched a sum; but the Bank has done no + wrong."</p> + + <p>"Yes, it has; it sent out a lot of papers that were very + confusing, and it's no wonder I made a mistake."</p> + + <p>"The question in my mind," I said, "is this: when are you + going to repay what you owe me—with interest?"</p> + + <p>"We'll talk about that another time," said Francesca.</p> + + <p>R.C.L.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>FOR OUR SAILORS AND SOLDIERS.</h2> + + <p>The Veterans Association is giving a Special Entertainment + at the Alhambra on Sunday afternoon, December 30th, on behalf + of their Imperial Memorial Fund which is being raised to expand + the Veterans Club into an adequate Institution for the comfort + of ex-sailors and ex-soldiers, and to provide an Imperial + Memorial for those who have given their lives in the War. The + Veterans Club in Hand Court, Holborn, has already done a great + work during the six or seven years of its existence in looking + after sailors and soldiers. Free medical and legal advice is + given, and the homes of the men are protected by the storing of + their furniture while they are on active service. Employment is + also found for soldiers and sailors whose service is done. For + the Entertainment at the Alhambra on the 30th, the following + artistes, among others, have generously volunteered their + services: Miss VIOLET LORAINE, Miss PHYLLIS MONCKMAN, Miss WISH + WYNNE, Miss ESMÉ BERINGER, Messrs. LAURI DE FRECE, MARK + LESTER, HERBERT GROVER and GEORGE ROBEY.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Another Sex Problem.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Henry III. was Queen Mary's brother-in-law, she having + been for a short time the husband of his predecessor, + Francis II."—<i>The Sphere.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page421" + id="page421"></a>[pg 421]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/421.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/421.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE SPREAD OF THE QUEUE HABIT.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> + + <p>One of the most interesting features, to an English + observer, in the impressive spectacle of America girding + herself for war is the sight of our great Ally passing through + all those phases of initiation that to us are now remote + memories. Such a phase is the coming of the first war-books, + exemplified for me by the appearance of <i>From the Fire + Step</i> (PUTNAMS). As his sub-title + indicates—<i>Experiences of an American Soldier in the + British Army</i>—the writer, Mr. ARTHUR GUY EMPEY, has + proved himself something of a pioneer. In a singularly + vivacious opening chapter he tells how, after waiting with + decreasing expectation during the months that followed the + <i>Lusitania</i> crime, he decided to be a law unto himself, + and came alone to offer his personal service in the cause of + freedom. You will hardly read unmoved (by laughter as much as + by sympathy) his story of how this offer was at first refused, + then accepted. Throughout indeed you must prepare to find Mr. + EMPEY an entirely independent, though generous, critic of our + men and methods; it is precisely this attitude that gives his + book its chief interest as a survey of all-too-familiar things + from a refreshingly new angle. I hardly suppose there will be + anything in the actual matter, from church parade to + gas-attacks, which readers on this side will not by now have + seen or heard about, times beyond number; but one can imagine + sympathetically with what concern it will all be received in + the homes oversea; and after turning its high-spirited and + encouraging pages can warmly echo the admonition of their + writer: "Pacifists and small-army people please read with + care!"</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Since there is probably no writer who can approach Mrs. + FLORA ANNIE STEEL in the art of telling Indian tales about + Indian people, one is specially happy to find her in + <i>Mistress of Men</i> (HEINEMANN) with her foot once more upon + her special terrain. Not for the first time, I think, she has + gone to the records of the House of AKBAR for her material; the + result here is hardly to be called a novel so much as amplified + history, since it is really the life story of an actual (and + wonderful) woman, NURJAHÂN THE BEAUTIFUL, wife of the + Emperor JAHÂNGIR. Naturally the writer has experienced + not only the great advantages but the hazards of such a + building upon fact. To explain the marriage of your heroine + with the Imperial lover by whose orders her first husband was + killed, and not to lessen sympathy for her in the process, is a + problem to test the skill of any novelist. One sees, however, + even without Mrs. STEEL'S own declaration, that it has been for + her a grateful task to set down "a record of the most perfect + passion ever shown by man for woman." This was the adoration of + the EMPEROR for his consort, an amazing romance of Oriental + domesticity, which makes the story of the pair stranger and + more fascinating than fiction. A love-tale indeed; and, since + 'tis love that makes a book go round, one may trust the + circulating libraries to see to it that <i>Mistress of Men</i> + is well represented on their shelves. As a study of an + alluring, dazzling and masterful personality it was well worth + writing.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There is a sad interest in the title-page of <i>Irish + Memories</i> (LONGMANS), since only by a pathetic fiction does + it bear the names, as joint authors, of E. OE. SOMERVILLE and + "MARTIN ROSS," those two gifted ladies whose association has + been such a happy chance for them and for us all. Really the + book, though in part compiled from the letters and journals of + "MARTIN," is an eloquent tribute by Miss + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page422" + id="page422"></a>[pg 422]</span> SOMERVILLE to the partner + whose death has robbed her of a friend and the world of so + much kindly laughter. But, haunted as it is by this shadow + of bereavement, you must in no way think of it as wholly a + thing of gloom. Looking back into the good years, the writer + has recalled many incidents and scenes full of that genial + and most infectious merriment that we have learnt to expect + from her—tales of the wonderful peasant chorus that + one remembers first in the pages of <i>An Irish R.M.</i>, + exploits after hounds (it needs no telling how well both + authors loved them), and much besides. There will be + interest also for many uninitiated admirers in the account + here given of how the famous stories came first into being. + Of its more intimate and personal side I hesitate to speak; + those who loved "MARTIN ROSS," either through her writings + or in the closer relationship of friend, must be glad that + her <i>ave atque vale</i> has been spoken, as she would have + wished it, by her whose right it was. It will send many to + read again those delightful volumes with a new appreciation + of the sympathetic and lovable personality that helped in + their making.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I am afraid that something of the charm which, in a + sympathetic preface, M. HENRI BORDEAUX claims for <i>A Crusader + in France</i> (MELROSE) is veiled by a rather faltering + translation. I would counsel all who appreciate the exquisitely + sensitive <i>Récit d'une Soeur</i>, with which he not + unfavourably compares it, to go rather to the French original + of these letters of a young captain of the famous Chasseurs + Alpins. Captain FREDERIC BELMONT fell near the + stubbornly-contested Hartmannsweilerkopf in 1916. He was the + third of his family to give his life for France. The letters + reveal a character that hardships and dangers not only + strengthened but refined. He writes with a noble French ardour + of his country in the crisis of her fate. He dreads, but rises + greatly to the height of, his heavy responsibility as Captain + at the age of twenty-one. The coveted cross of the Legion of + Honour comes to him before the end, and he wins the affection + and confidence of his men—a soldier's highest prize. A + deep religious conviction unclouded by superstition sustains + his courage. He is a product of the French Catholic tradition + at its best. He writes intelligently of his work, and with a + greater freedom as to detail than our more exigeant censorship + allows; so that you get an excellent picture of the daily life + of a campaigner in the greatest of all wars. He met the English + in Flanders, admired and liked their looks and ways.... A very + charming record of a gallant soldier, a chosen soul.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In the first few pages of <i>At the Serbian Front in + Macedonia</i> (LANE), Mr. E.P. STEBBING tells so many little + anecdotes that I began to wonder if he was ever going to get + there. When, however, he has got into his stride, he gives us + information which is all the more valuable because we hear so + little of the Macedonian campaign. Mr. STEBBING was appointed + Transport Officer to a unit of the Scottish Women's Hospitals + that was sent to the Serbian Front. Naturally he has much to + say of the work done by these brave and untiring women. Under + exceptionally difficult circumstances their courage never + failed, and it is good to remember that their arrival at + Ostrovo was of the greatest possible service to the Serbs. That + is one part of the book, and it is well told. The other is of + actual war, and here Mr. STEBBING was given ample opportunities + to observe. No one can read his account of the taking of + Kajmaktcalan without feeling the keenest admiration for the + gallantry of the Serbs. He also describes very graphically the + frontal attack by the French upon the Kenali lines in October, + 1916. The British public is too apt to look upon the Macedonian + campaign as a prolonged picnic, and for them a dose of Mr. + STEBBING would be excellent medicine. I wish someone with our + own troops would do as sound a service for them as is done here + for the Serbs and French. But let him avoid anecdotes.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I am a little puzzled about <i>A Bolt from the East</i> + (METHUEN). The publishers, who surely should know, call it "A + modern and up-to-date romance, which deals mystically but + boldly with the greatest and most pertinent of all + questions—'Is Life Worth Living?'" But for my own part + the greatest and most pertinent question suggested by Mr. G.F. + TURNER'S up-to-date romance was whether it could possibly have + been intended as serious. I despair of giving you any adequate + idea of its contents. There are lots and lots of characters, + and, as several of them seem to own more than one personality, + it is often more than a little hard to say who is what. The + central figure is an Indian Prince of marvellous beauty and + mysterious powers, who, being jilted by the girl of his heart, + wishes to be revenged upon the human race. To this end he + employs the activities of a German Professor, who produces what + one might call a <i>Kultur</i> of the sterility germ. However, + these cheery projects go astray, though in precisely what + manner I have no very clear idea. But the end came at a + gathering where the <i>Prince</i> played psychic music, and a + chance union of hands between hero and heroine transmuted the + former from "a dilettante" and "polished ladies' man" to "a + virile male filled with the blasting vehemence of primary + passions." Incidentally it proved altogether too much both for + the <i>Professor</i> and his inoculated rabbits, all of whom + expired on the spot. Just about here that most pertinent + question became more acute than ever. Fortunately it was the + last page but one of the story.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/422.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/422.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>The Visitor</i>. "I HEAR YOUR BOY IS IN PALESTINE. + HOW INTERESTING IT MUST BE FOR HIM TO MOVE AMONG THOSE + SCENES WHERE EVERY SPOT BEINGS UP SOME RECOLLECTION OF THE + WONDERFUL EVENTS OF BIBLICAL HISTORY!"</p> + + <p><i>The Mother</i>. "TED DON'T SAY MUCH ABOUT THAT IN 'IS + LETTERS. 'E SEEMS TO THINK THE COUNTRY IS SUFFERIN' FROM A + FLY-PAPER SHORTAGE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Senhor Rodrique Bettencourt will be Premier, and Senhor + Adinterin, President of the Republic."—<i>Dublin + Daily Express</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>But is nothing to be done for Senhors Defacto and + Dejure?</p> + <br /> + <hr class="full" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 153, DEC. 19, 1917***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 11466-h.txt or 11466-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/4/6/11466">https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/4/6/11466</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Dec. 19, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 5, 2004 [eBook #11466] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 153, DEC. 19, 1917*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11466-h.htm or 11466-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/6/11466/11466-h/11466-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/6/11466/11466-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 153 + +DECEMBER 19, 1917 + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +GENERAL ALLENBY having announced that all the holy places in Jerusalem +will be protected, the KAISER is about to issue a manifesto to his +Turkish subjects, pointing out that so much time has elapsed since he +was there in 1898 that the place can no longer be considered as holy +as it was. + + *** + +It is now stated that the leader of the Sinn Feiners is an American +citizen. It is hardly likely, however, in view of the friendly +relations prevailing between ourselves and the United States, that +the point will be pressed. + + *** + +Another lengthy pamphlet on the subject of cheese has been issued by +the FOOD-CONTROLLER. The Department now claims that there is no excuse +for even the simplest grocer failing to recognise a cheese when he +sees it. + + *** + +A painful story comes from the North of England. It appears that a man +left his home saying that he would obtain a pound of Devonshire butter +or die. He was only thirty-four years of age. + + *** + +A leaflet containing President WILSON'S recent speech to Congress +has been passed by the CENSOR, who, however, does not wish it to be +understood that he could not have improved on it if he had cared to. + + *** + +A grave state of affairs is reported by a New York paper. It appears +that America will shortly ask Mexico to make revolutions a criminal +offence. They'll be stopping baseball next. + + *** + +A question put by Mr. FIELD in the House of Commons suggested that +M.P.s should travel on railways free of charge. The chief objection +seems to be that they would be sure to want return tickets. + + *** + +A domestic servant points out in a contemporary that she has worked +from seven in the morning until ten o'clock at night for six months +without a break. Another domestic who holds the smash-as-smash-can +record wonders where this poor girl learnt her business. + + *** + +Discussing the London taxi strike a contemporary remarks that both +sides ought to meet. Failing that, we think that at least one side +might meet. + + *** + +Writing to _The Evening News_ a Maidstone gentleman protested against +the action of the authorities who covered up the Tank in Trafalgar +Square on Sundays. On the first Sunday it seems that somebody tripped +over it. + + *** + +There appears to be an epidemic of trouble in the animal world. +An elephant at the Zoo has just died, while only a few days ago +a travelling crane collapsed at Glasgow. + + *** + +Burglars who looted an Oxford Street shop last week obtained admission +by making a hole through a brick wall. It is supposed the shop door +was closed. + + *** + +Surely it is only hindering matters for people to keep writing to the +Press on the matter of the appointment of a Minister of Health. It +seems to be overlooked that so far _The Daily Mail_ has not indicated +who should be appointed to that position. + + *** + +The Government having reaffirmed their statement that they have "no +further fear of submarines," it is felt to be high time that someone +in authority should break it to the U-boats that they might as well +give it up and go home. + + *** + +The gentleman who wrote to the Press offering to sell eggs at _4s. +7d._ a dozen has since explained that he merely wanted to show how +much higher the market price is than his would have been if he had +really had any eggs to sell. + + *** + +We understand that it has not yet been decided in Berlin what the +Sultan of TURKEY thinks of the capture of Jerusalem. + + *** + +Four letters of QUEEN ELIZABETH have just been sold by auction. +Strangely enough, nothing is said in them about her having no quarrel +with the Spanish people, but only with their Monarch. + + *** + +"Is the potato the saviour of the Fatherland?" asks the _Deutsche +Tageszeitung_. Another slight to the ALL-HIGHEST. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Both together_. "NOW, MY MAN, WHY DON'T YOU SALUTE +WHEN YOU PASS AN OFFICER?"] + + * * * * * + +From a review of Lord LISTER'S "Life":-- + + "It was in Edinburgh that he struck his most famous patient, + Henley, who has a record of the 'Chief' in his rhymes and + rhythms, 'In Hospital.'"--_Daily Paper_. + +But it was not in reference to this incident that HENLEY wrote, "My +head is bloody but unbowed." + + * * * * * + + "If all fools were rationed there could be no fixed + scale."--_Star_. + +Of course not; we have always noticed that the bigger the fool the +more he eats. + + * * * * * + + "Bassano is a nice town, by a dam site."--_Canadian Paper_. + +But a Canadian friend tells us there are others "a dam sight nicer." + + * * * * * + + "The German government has a terrific explosive, which is being + held in reserve to the last.... It is said that a bomb weighing + scarcely ten kilometres can annihilate everything within a radius + of two thousand feet."--_New York Herald_. + +We do not mind saying that we are frankly afraid of a bomb that weighs +about six miles. + + * * * * * + + "TIPPERARY BURGLARY.--Tipperary Temperance Club premises have been + gurgled."--_Cork Examiner_. + +GILBERT'S burglar up-to-date: "He loves to hear the Temperance Club +a-gurgling." + + * * * * * + + "General Allenby, no doubt, will go in due time to the House of + Lords, and military men are taking a jocular interest in his + selection of a title. Lord Bathsheba might serve, or Lord Hebron. + Lord Jerusalem smacks of the jocose."--_Birmingham Daily Post_. + +For our part we thought "Lord Bathsheba" rather funny too. + + * * * * * + +AN HISTORICAL CURIOSITY. + + "At Blenheim is a small glass-topped table, which contains the + sword of the great Duke of Marlborough, also a letter addressed by + him to Sarah Duchess from the field of Waterloo."--_The Queen_. + + * * * * * + +OUR PACIFISTS. + + Far as my humble daily round extends, + There's none but longs to see us lay the foe low; + I cannot trace upon my list of friends + A solitary instance of a Bolo; + So that I've sometimes nursed a doubt + Whether there are such lots of them about. + + But now, when that _Gazette_ in which I read + (To learn its views on any given matter + And so avoid 'em) hints that no such breed + Exists among us, save in idle chatter, + I am convinced the country reeks + With these unnatural and noisome freaks. + + Only the worst are out for German pay; + Some claim ideals on the loftiest level; + Peace (and a fig for Honour) is their lay-- + Peace and the Brotherhood of man and devil; + They love all sorts beneath the sun-- + Even an Englishman; but best a Hun. + + They save the choicest of their tears to shed + For those who break all laws divine and human; + They'd bid the dead past cover up its dead, + Forgetful of our murdered, child and woman; + Forgetful of our drowned who sleep + Without a grave beneath the wandering deep. + + I know not how or when this War will close, + But this I know: unless my brain goes rotten, + Never will I clasp hand with hand of those, + False to their blood, who'd have these things forgotten, + Who want a peace untimely made + Before the uttermost account is paid. + + Thirty years on, when weak with age, I might + Possibly talk to some repentant Teuton; + But, while I still can tell a knave at sight + And have enough of strength to keep a boot on, + Only in one way will I get + In touch with samples of the Bolo Set. + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE CADET'S FRIEND. + +MISUNDERSTOOD.--You were in the wrong. The custom of throwing +chicken-bones over the right shoulder is practised only in the mess of +the 13th Bavarian Landsturm Regiment. Still, considering that you had +only joined that day, we think your colonel acted hastily. + +AS YOU WERE (and several other Correspondents).--The executive order +for the new combined movement of "About turn and left incline" is +given when the joint of the left big toe is opposite the right instep +(in Rifle regiments substitute right for left and left for right). + +SUBALTERN.--Your company commander is without authority for reproving +you for shaving off your moustache. All the same, judging by the +photograph you enclose, we think you would be wise to keep as much of +your face covered as possible. + +FIELD-MARSHAL'S BATON.--No, you are mistaken in supposing that a +private soldier under close arrest may spend two hours daily in the +regimental canteen. The only stimulant allowed him is one glass (2 +oz., Mark IV.) of port daily with the orderly officer when the latter +inspects the guardroom. + +SUFFERER.--(1) No, White Star gas is never employed by army dentists. +(2) No, you need not take your respirator with you. You hire the +anaesthetist's at a small charge. + +PINK RATS.--You assume that if you were appointed a mopper-up you +would _ex-officio_ be put in charge of the rum-ration. This is not the +case. The function of moppers-up is to collect souvenirs for the new +Great War Museum, to be housed in one of the four remaining London +hotels. + +OBSERVER.--German minnenwerfer are not dangerous if their flight is +carefully watched, as they swerve to the left, and their landing-place +can thus be fairly accurately judged. Two varieties, however--the +windupwerfer and the hoppitwerfer--swerve to the right. The +googliwerfer swerves both ways. + +SOCIABLE.--The correct method of dealing with snipers in a house is to +ring the front-door bell with the thumb and forefinger of the right +hand, at the same time smartly inserting a charge of cordite into the +letter-box with the left. Indents for postmen's uniforms for this +purpose should be rendered to D.A.D.O.S. in triplicate. + +STATISTICIAN.--The world's record is held by the adjutant of the +pioneer battalion of the 371st Silesian Foot Regiment. There is +unimpeachable evidence to prove that he was heard drinking gravy soup +from a distance of 477 metres. The night was calm. + + * * * * * + +IF THE PAPER SHORTAGE INCREASES. + +(_SOME FUTURE PRESS ITEMS._) + +FICTION FAMINE IN THE PROVINCES. + +From many districts come reports of great difficulty in obtaining +novels. Yesterday in a well-known Midland town the unusual sight +was observed of long queues outside the chief booksellers'. Several +libraries displayed notices bearing the words, "No GARVICE to-day"; +and quite early in the afternoon best quality BENSONS were practically +unobtainable, even by regular customers. + +FIRST CONDITIONAL SALE PROSECUTION. + +Much interest has been roused in East Anglia over the fine of one +hundred pounds inflicted by the Bench upon a local bookseller, found +guilty of the Conditional Sale of Fiction. The chief witness, a +retired stockbroker, proved that defendant refused to supply his +order for a shilling's worth of O. HENRY unless he also purchased +a remainder copy of _Wanderings Round Widnes_ (published at +twelve-and-six net). The Chairman, remarking that the case was a +specially flagrant one, expressed a hope that the result would +protect the public from such imposition in future. + +VALUABLE DISCOVERY. + +In view of the serious shortage in reliable fiction, nothing less +than a sensation is likely to result from the reported discovery of an +entirely satisfactory BARCLAY substitute in tabloid form. Should the +tidings prove well authenticated, the patrons of circulating libraries +will have good reason for satisfaction. The new preparation is said to +be even sweeter than the original article, and equally sustaining. + +FICTION CARDS COMING. + +On inquiry at the Albert Hall (recently taken over as offices by the +Literature Control Committee), our representative was emphatically +assured that, should the system of voluntary romance-rationing prove +unsatisfactory, some form of compulsion will become inevitable. It was +pointed out that the indicated maximum of one novel or magazine per +head weekly is amply sufficient for all reasonable requirements. The +attention of the public is further called to the need of making the +fullest and most economical use of the allowance, and not wasting +the advertisement pages, which contain much readable and stimulating +matter, the patent medicine paragraphs especially being rich in the +finest imaginative fiction. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEED OF MEN. + +MR. PUNCH (_to the Comber-out_). "MORE POWER TO YOUR ELBOW, SIR. BUT +WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO FILL UP THAT SILLY GAP?" + +SIR AUCKLAND GEDDES. "HUSH! HUSH! WE'RE WAITING FOR THE MILLENNIUM."] + + * * * * * + +"CHOCKCHAW;" + +OR, BIG-WIGS AT PLAY. + +Somebody in the Old Country discovered, with the aid of a hint or +two, that the tooth (exact molar not specified) of the General Staff +Officer 3 was sweet. As a natural result a certain famous firm of +confectioners was indented upon heavily. Day in, day out, perspiring +orderlies arrived festooned with parcels containing all kinds of +wonderful things crammed with all sorts of wonderful surprises. Life +in the General Staff Office resolved itself into four meals a day +between sweetmeats. The whole routine underwent a complete change. +Everyone who visited the place made, as a matter of course, a bee +line for the General Staff Canteen cupboard, and while searching for +the particular dainty he fancied broached the subject of his visit in +general terms. He then turned to the officer he was addressing and +politely offered him the kind of delicacy he thought would blend best +with the matter in hand. + +And then Chockchaw arrived. It began by letting the G.S.O.3 down +badly the first day. All unsuspicious of its properties he rang up a +Division, popped a piece into his mouth and waited. In due time the +call came through, but no word could he utter. "Chockchaw lockjaw" had +set in. Only a horrible sound like the squelching of ten gum-boots in +the mud reached the indignant Staff at the other end. After a minute's +monologue they rang off in disgust. + +Yet in spite of all difficulties the vogue of Chockchaw swept through +the Corps. It is such a ripe, rich, full-flavoured irresistible +concoction. Disadvantages there are, of course, but, on the other +hand, if you want to be quiet, it is easy to lure the unsuspecting +intruder on to Chockchaw and leave it at that. After vain efforts the +poor fellow usually creeps away like a cat with too big a bone and +chews himself back to speech round the corner. He seldom returns, and +if he does--there is always more Chockchaw. Should he refuse it this +time you can take a piece yourself and save the trouble of answering, +anyway. + +Chockchaw entailed more perilous chances than at first appeared +probable. Indeed at one time it looked like seriously impeding the +course of final victory. + +On a certain brown November day the G.S.O.2 suddenly jumped up from +his chair, ran to the Canteen cupboard, popped a piece of Chockchaw +into his mouth (because he had a difficult March Table to make out and +needed sustenance) and fell to work whistling like an ordinary human +being (who cannot whistle). I.O. (not the gadfly, but the Intelligence +Officer) dropped in with his usual list of suspected hostile +emplacements. He took Chockchaw in case he was asked pertinent +questions. He has to be _so_ careful what he gives away unofficially. +He knows so _much_. Germans try to steal his summaries to find out +what their own intentions really are. The A.D.C. dropped in for his +usual morning chat and Chockchaw. The Staff Officer R.A. (S.O.R.A.), +that inveterate sweet-guzzler, also dropped in. + +"Hullo, what are you fellows munching?" asked the General, coming in +muddied all over. "Give me a bit; I've had no breakfast. What's the +news, Intelligence?" (No answer) "Is that Move Order done, by the +way?" (No answer.) "Why, what the--Good Lord, I'm _stuck_! What +stuff is this you've given me?" And there they all stood chumping in +silence. + +The telephone rang. The absurdity of a dumb Staff tickled everybody. +They winked their appreciation of the situation at one another. Not to +be able to say "Thank you" on being instructed "with reference to my +telegram of to-day for L/Cpl. Plunkett read L/Cpl. Plonkett," appealed +to them. Amidst the chuckles and gluggels of all, the G.S.O.3 was +obliged to lift the receiver. Something of the seriousness of the +occasion must have communicated itself to the others, for they crowded +round him, mumbling and munching sympathetically. Speechless, the +poor fellow wrote hastily on a buff slip of paper a Name, and passed +it round. It was the name of an Excessively Resplendent One, whose +lightest word results in headlines in the less expensive daily press. + +A frightful panic came over all. What--a General Staff ceasing to +function even for a minute? It was unthinkable. The news would +be flashed through to all concerned and become the subject of +conversation in ten thousand messes that evening. It must not be. +Never was there such a kneading and gnashing of teeth. But to no +purpose. You cannot hurry Chockchaw; time, and time alone, will defeat +it. The General tried to pack it all into one cheek. Useless; to +attempt to sculpture in seccotine would have been a simpler task. The +G.S.O.2 tried a frontal swallow, but only lined his throat more and +more thickly until respiration became difficult. The S.O.R.A. nearly +swallowed his tongue. The A.D.C., having cricked his jaw in the first +five seconds, counted ten and threw up the sponge. The voice at the +telephone became louder and more insistent. Flushed, hot and flurried, +the G.S.O.3 thrust the receiver into the hands of the G.S.O.2, who +handed it on to the General, who dropped it. Nobody spoke. Only the +crackling and cackling voice could be heard from the receiver as it +hung face downwards at the end of its cord. + +It was a moment demanding imagination. Naturally the Intelligence +Officer felt the responsibility. He stepped forward, slapped the +mouthpiece three times with the palm of his hand, rang off, rang on +and slapped it again. The effect at the other end must have been +horrible, but it achieved its purpose. By the time connection had been +restored and the blood of the Signal Master demanded, the A.D.C. had +cheated with a handkerchief and was able to gasp out that the Corps +Commander would enjoy seeing the Resplendent One any time that day. + +Thus the honour of the General Staff was saved, the Intelligence +Officer vindicated and the vogue of Chockchaw brought to an untimely +end. + +"You ought," said the General severely to the G.S.O.3--"you ought to +be unstuck for bringing such stuff into the office." + +"I have never wished so hard in my life, Sir, to be unstuck," said he. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN THE TOWER DISTRICT. + +"SAY, GUV'NOR, YER MIGHT RESERVE A COUPLE OF FIRST-CLASS DUNGEONS FOR +ME AN' MY FRIENDS ON THE NEXT RAID NIGHT."] + + * * * * * + +THE SUPERIOR SEX. + +"You are late again," said Clara, as I entered our domestic portal. +"What is it this time?" + +Gently but firmly I explained the reason. A certain amount of tact was +necessary, for my wife does not care for any remarks that appear to +reflect upon her sex. + +"Owing to the present abnormal state of things, my dear," I said, "our +office is now almost entirely staffed by women. In many ways this is +an improvement. Their refining influence upon the dress and deportment +of the few remaining male members of the staff is distinctly +noticeable. But there are, I regret to say, certain drawbacks. +Admittedly our superiors in many respects, in others they are not, +I am afraid, equal to the situation. Take, for instance, matters of +detail where you--I mean they--should excel. I asked Miss Philpott to +write a letter--" + +"Did you post that letter for me this morning?" said Clara. "If Mrs. +Roberts doesn't get it she won't know where to meet me to-morrow." + +It is a woman's privilege to wander from the point at issue. I +told Clara somewhat shortly that I had posted the letter, although +naturally I did not remember doing so. A man who has hundreds of petty +details to deal with every day, as I have, develops an automatic +memory--a subconscious mechanism which never fails him. + +I explained this to Clara. "Not once in five thousand times would it +allow me to pass the pillar-box with an unposted letter in my pocket. +Perhaps it is the vivid red--" + +"And perhaps your vivid imagination," said my wife. "Well, I am glad +you posted the letter, for Mrs. Roberts, as you know, never received +the one you posted ten days ago." + +"I took that matter up very firmly with the local postmaster," I said. +"He explained to me that letters are now almost entirely sorted and +delivered by women, and he was afraid mistakes sometimes happened. +And just to satisfy you about this last one, which I put as usual in +my breast pocket at the back of my other papers--" I produced the +contents of my pocket. As I expected the letter was not there. + +"Why do you carry so many papers in your pocket? What are they all +about?" + +"Candidly, my dear, I do not know. Without the element of surprise +life would be unbearably monotonous. That element I deliberately +carry with me in my breast pocket. When a dull moment comes I empty +my pockets. It would surprise you--" + +"Nothing you do surprises me," said Clara. "Now go upstairs, please, +and make yourself tidy. Have a dull moment--not more than one, for +dinner is nearly ready--and get rid of those papers." + +Although my wife has not a logical process of thought, at times she +makes sensible remarks. I took her advice. As I anticipated I had some +surprises. + +A few important business memoranda, a sugar form, two income tax +demands, a number of private letters and an unpaid coal account made +up the collection. There was really nothing I could part with. Luckily +I found two duplicates of the coal account. These I could spare. As I +opened one of them Mrs. Roberts's letter fell out of it. + +I had just time to catch the post. I managed to reach the front-door +unobserved. My wife opened the dining-room window to tell me that +dinner was ready. I told her I had forgotten to post a very important +business letter. + +"A most unusual occurrence," I said. + +"Mary can post it for you. Dinner's on the table." Clara extended her +hand for the letter. I explained that it was so very important that I +could not even trust Mary. + +"Mary's sex is, of course, against her," said my wife, "but I'll tell +her to hold the letter out at arm's length. You can see her all the +way from the window and watch her put it in the pillar-box." + +A little candour is sometimes necessary. + +"Strangely enough," I said, "the five-thousandth chance has come off. +It is true the letter is important, but the business is yours, and +the letter is addressed to Mrs. Roberts. I forgot to post it this +morning." + +"I know you did," said Clara. "You left it behind, and I posted it +myself." + +Here I saw that I was going to score. "Then what is this?" I asked +in triumph. + +"This," said Clara, taking it from me, "is the letter you forgot to +post ten days ago." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mrs. Judkins_ (_beating up against the draught in the +Tube_). "THANK GOODNESS WE SHAN'T 'AVE NO AIR-RAID TO-NIGHT, MRS. +'ARRIS. IT SEEMS TO BE BLOWIN' UP NICELY FOR RAIN."] + + * * * * * + +TO "MARTIN ROSS." + +(_AFTER READING "IRISH MEMORIES."_) + + Two Irish cousins greet us here + From BUSHE "the silver-tongued" descended, + Whose lives for close on thirty year + Were indistinguishably blended; + Scorning the rule that holds for cooks, + They pooled their brains and joined their forces, + And wrote a dozen gorgeous books + On men and women, hounds and horses. + + They superseded _Handley Cross_; + They glorified the "hunting fever;" + They purged their pages of the dross, + While bettering the fun, of LEVER; + With many a priceless turn of phrase + They stirred us to Homeric laughter, + When painting Ireland in the days + Before Sinn Fein bewitched and "strafed" her. + + With them we watched good _Major Yeates_ + Contending with litigious peasants, + With "hidden hands" within his gates, + With claims for foxes and for pheasants; + We saw _Leigh Kelway_ drop his chin-- + That precious English super-tripper-- + In shocked amazement drinking in + The lurid narrative of _Slipper_. + + _Philippa's_ piercing peacock squeals, + Uttered in moments of expansion; + The grime and splendour of the meals + Of _Mrs. Knox_ and of her mansion; + The secrets of horse-coping lore, + The loves of _Sally_ and of _Flurry_-- + All these delights and hundreds more + Are not forgotten in a hurry. + + Yet the same genial pens that freight + Our memories with joyous magic + Gave us the tale of _Francie's_ fate-- + So vulgar, lovable and tragic; + Just to the land that gave them birth + They showed her smiling, sad and sullen, + And turning from the paths of mirth + Probed the dark soul of _Charlotte Mullen_. + + Alas! the tie, so close, so dear, + Two years ago death rent asunder; + Hushed is the voice so gay and clear + Which moved us once to joy and wonder; + Yet, though they chronicle a loss + Whose pang no lapse of time assuages, + The spirit of brave "MARTIN ROSS" + Shines like a star throughout these pages. + + Here in her letters may one trace + The generous scorn, the gentle pity, + The easy unaffected grace, + The wisdom that was always witty; + Here, mirrored in a sister soul, + One sees the comrade, strong yet tender, + Who marched unfaltering to her goal + Through sacrifice and self-surrender. + + * * * * * + +THE FOOD OF THE FAMOUS. + +The publication of Lord RHONDDA'S daily menu will, we hope, lead +other prominent people who are striving to follow his good example +to divulge the details of their dietary. But in case their natural +modesty may prevent them from doing so, Mr. Punch ventures to supply +a few unauthorised particulars. + +The source of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S boundless energy has long been +a mystery. It is now known to be derived from a raw leek eaten +on rising, and a dinner of Welsh rabbit, made from a modicum of +Government cheese and half a slice of war bread. + +With Mr. BONAR LAW all meals are oatmeals. A plate of porridge at +daybreak, bannocks slightly margarined, when possible, for lunch, +and a stiff cup of gruel just after Question time keep him alert and +smiling. + +Thanks to the Spartan habits formed during his connection with both +services, belt-tightening has no terrors for Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL. A +quid of Navy tobacco suffices for breakfast, and his only other meal +consists of a slice of bully beef with a hard biscuit served on an +inverted packing-case. + +The wild rumours recently current as to the amount of nutriment +required for the upkeep of Mr. G.K. CHESTERTON have now been happily +set at rest. The needful calories for twenty-four hours of his +strenuous existence are supplied by two cups of cocoa, a shred of +dried toast, a Brazil nut, a glass of sodawater and a grilled banana. + + * * * * * + + "In one case the good cows from one herd had an average + production of 9,592 lbs. milk, and 406 lbs. of fat, while + the poor cows had a production of only 3,098 lbs. of milk + and 119 lbs. of tea."--_Farming News_. + +Give us the poor cows every time. + + * * * * * + +From a Church paper:-- + + "'EARLY CHRISTIANS.' I am sorry you cannot get these from + the Army and Navy Stores." + +It sounds like the old tiger story. + + * * * * * + + "A certain company commander, looking out of his quarters, saw + several Germans in possession of a dump not far away. Although + still in his sleeping clothes, he seized his trench tick + and rushed towards them. Why they did not fire upon him is + one of those little mysteries which will probably never be + explained."--_Daily Paper_. + +Unless by the learned author of _Minor Horrors of War_, who knows all +about the fauna of the trenches. + + * * * * * + +THE PERFECT CUSTOMER. + +It was a very ordinary country sale of work. The Countess of Bilberry +declared it open in a neat little speech, and then bought generously +from every stall: her daughter, whose smile nobody could resist, did a +fine trade with raffle tickets for the record pumpkin produced by the +local allotments: Mrs. Dodd, the Rector's wife, presided over a pair +of scales and a strictly rationed tea, and all the rest of the village +sold vegetables and socks and pincushions, and tried to pretend that +antimacassars and shaving tidies and woolwork waistbelts were the most +desirable things in the world when they were made by wounded men at +the nearest Red Cross Hospital, in whose aid the sale was held. + +But there was one unique figure amongst all the folk who knew each +other, and each other's clothes, and each other's clothes' cost, so +well. She arrived at the Village Hall in a pony-carriage, drawn by +the ugliest little pony that ever sniffed oats. She was very quietly +and very tastefully dressed, and, instead of concentrating on the +well-laden stalls of garden produce or the orderly stacks of knitted +comforts, or the really useful baskets, she went straight to the stall +which even Mrs. Dodd, who had the kindest heart in the countryside, +had been compelled to relegate to a dark corner. There was +woolwork run riot over cushions of incredible hardness; there were +candle-shades guaranteed to catch alight at the mere sight of a match; +there were crochet dressing-table mats, and there was a three-legged +stool on which even a fairy could not have sat without danger of a +break-down. + +The youngest Miss Dodd, a severely practical young lady of sixteen, +who was presiding at this stall, jumped up in surprise at the sight of +a customer, and in doing so knocked over a glass box bound with red +and white and blue ribbon, with "Handkerchiefs" painted across the +corner in a design of forget-me-nots. There was very little glass box +left when she picked it up, and the splinters had made a good many +little craters in the surface of a big bowl of clotted cream, labelled +"Positively the last appearance for the Duration of the War," which +was at the corner of the next stall. + +The little stranger said that she would take the box and the damaged +cream too; she bought a whole family of crochet mats with centres +of orange woollen loops; three pincushions made of playing cards +discharged as no longer fit for active service; a table-centre with +pen-painting of the Allied flags, and a letter-case with the badges of +the Dominions worked in wool and "Across the sea, A letter from thee," +straggling wearily across one corner. Then there was an antimacassar +in purple and magenta sateen, with yellow daffodils making a brave +attempt to flourish in unlikely surroundings. + +At the next stall she bought a photograph frame which had lost its +prop in an unequal contest with a tea-tray which had collapsed from +the heartiness of the Rector's clapping at the conclusion of the +Countess's speech; and a Noah's Ark from which the star performer +and his very best beasts had somehow disappeared. + +Then the little lady paused before the live-stock stall. + +"There isn't anything really hideous here," she murmured to herself; +"but I think that puppy--it's never had its tail cut, and nobody will +ever know whether it's a sealyham, a spaniel or even a dash of a +setter--I will take the puppy, please," she added, "as soon as I've +had some tea. After that I will see what is left. You have such nice +things." + +After tea she went back to the youngest Miss Dodd and collected a few +more of the more glaring atrocities, paid her bills, and then went off +to her pony-carriage; the youngest Miss Dodd, very much inclined to +giggle, bearing armfuls of odd purchases in her wake, crowned by the +bowl of cream and the mongrel pup. She handed them in and was just +going away when the little old lady pressed a piece of paper into her +hand. + +"I don't like to worry people," she said gently, "but if you have time +you might read this. It has been a great opportunity to-day; I don't +often find so much to be done--and I shall love the puppy." + +The youngest Miss Dodd watched the start of the ugly pony with a +snigger and then went back into the lighted hall to read the pamphlet. +It was a touching little document--many people know it well--and the +youngest Miss Dodd, who had never been known to sentimentalize over +anything before, blew her nose rather violently when she had read it. + +"Bless her dear little soul!" she said to herself: "I don't wonder +that pup was trying to kiss her. I only hope she won't try to eat that +cream with the glass in it, or give it to the pup." For the pamphlet +was the Rules for Membership and a treatise on the Objects and Methods +of the "Society for Buying What Nobody Wants." + + * * * * * + +MORE PROFITEERING. + +"Beautiful champagne broche silk crepe de chine blouse; open neck; one +button; cost 2s. 6d.; accept 15s."--_The Lady_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INEFFICIENCY IN THE NAVY. + +_First Bluejacket_. "HULLO, MATE, I THOUGHT YOU WAS ASHORE WITH THE +CAPTAIN, PLAYING GOLF." + +_Second Bluejacket_. "WELL, SO I WAS. IT'S LIKE THIS 'ERE. 'E GIVES ME +'IS STICKS TO CARRY, AND THEN TAKES ONE AND PUTS A LI'L WHITE BALL ON +TOP OF A BIT O' SAND AND, MY WORD! HE CATCHES THAT BALL A FAIR SWIPE. +MUST 'A' GONE MILES. THEN 'E TURNS TO ME AND SEZ, 'DID YER SEE WHERE +THAT WENT TO?' SO I SEZ, SMART LIKE, 'OUT O' SIGHT FROM THE MOMENT OF +HIMPACT, SIR,' AN' 'E SEZ, 'GO BACK ON BOARD, YE BLINKIN' FATHEAD!'"] + + * * * * * + +CONVERSIONS. + + There was an exuberant flapper + Who made people anxious to slap her; + She uttered loud squeals + And she smoked at all meals; + Now she's married an elderly sapper. + + There was a mild don who was muddy + In mind and complexion by study; + Now he flies fast and far, + With a cross and a bar, + And his face and his language are ruddy. + + * * * * * + + "BRITISH FRONT REINFORCED. + + "BY PERCIVAL PHILLIPS." + + _Daily Paper_. + +Intrepid fellows, our war correspondents. What a pity there are so few +of them! + + * * * * * + + "A long, keen dagger will be supplied to every American + infantryman going to France. This weapon will be fitted into + one of the fighting men's leggings when he goes into action, + so he will have something to fall back on should his bayonet + fail."--_Canadian Paper_. + +If he's going to fall back on it, we hope the sharp end won't be at +the top. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Sub_. "I SAY, SERGEANT-MAJOR, DO YOU REALISE THAT +THAT CHAP WITH THE BARROW IS A MEMBER OF AN ARCHAEOLOGICAL SOCIETY?" +_The Sergeant-Major_. "WELL, SIR, 'E MAY BE WHAT YOU SAY. PERSONALLY +I'VE ALWAYS FOUND 'IM QUIET AND WELL-BE'AVED."] + + * * * * * + +THE CLYDE-BUILT CLIPPER. + + [Many of the fast-sailing clippers which were making fine passages + in the Australian wool trade in the 'seventies and onwards were + laid up or turned into hulks before the War. Recently, however, + several have been re-fitted for sea and are once more doing good + service.] + + A ship there was, and she went to sea + (Away O, my Clyde-built clipper!) + In eighteen hundred and seventy-three, + Fine in the lines and keen in the bow, + The way they've forgotten to build 'em now: + Lofty masted and heavily sparred, + With stunsail booms to every yard, + And flying kites both high and low + To catch the wands when they did blow + (And away, my Clyde-built clipper!). + + Fastest ship on the Colonies run-- + (Away O, my racing clipper!) + That was her when her time begun; + Sixteen knots she could easily do, + And thirteen knots on a bowline too; + She could show her heels to anything made + With sky-sails set in a favouring trade, + Or when she was running her easting down + From London River to Hobart Town + (And away, my racing clipper!). + + Old shellbacks knew her near and far + (Away O, my old-time clipper!) + From Circular Quay to Mersey Bar, + And many a thundering lie they told + About her runs in the days of old; + But the time did come and the time did go, + And she grew old as we all must grow, + And the most of her gear was carried away + When caught aback in a gale one day + (And away, my old-time clipper!). + + Her masts were sprung from fore to mizen + (Away O, my poor old clipper!) + And freights was poor and dues had risen, + And there warn't no sense in rigging her new, + So they laid her up for a year or two; + And there they left her, and there she lay, + And there she might have been laying to-day, + But when cargoes are many and ships are few + A ship's a ship be she old or new + (And away, my poor old clipper!). + + So in nineteen hundred and seventeen + (Away O, my brave old clipper!) + They've rigged her new and they've scraped her clean + And sent her to sea in time of war + To sail the seas as she sailed before. + And in nineteen hundred and seventeen + She's the same good ship as she's always been; + Her ribs are as staunch and her hull's as sound + As any you'd find the wide world round + (And away, my brave old clipper!). + + The same as they were when she went to sea + (Away O, my Clyde-built clipper!) + In eighteen hundred and seventy-three, + Fine in the lines and keen in the bow, + The way they've forgotten to build 'em now; + Lofty masted and heavily sparred, + With stunsail booms to every yard, + And flying kites both high and low + To catch the winds when they did blow-- + (And away, my Clyde-built clipper!). + + C.F.S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LAST CRUSADE. COEUR-DE-LION (_looking down on the +Holy City_). "MY DREAM COMES TRUE!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, December 10th_.--One would gather from the hoardings that the +Government wished to encourage the sale of War Bonds by every possible +means. Yet the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER threw cold water on the +efforts of certain firms to increase the sale by the offer of cash +prizes, and thought it undesirable that this inducement should be +imitated. The advocates of Premium Bonds were a little depressed by +this announcement, but cheered up somewhat on observing that the +conscientious CHANCELLOR has no intention of refusing the millions +already raked into the Treasury by these "schemes of doubtful +legality." + +[Illustration: THE BAD BOYS OF BROMPTON AND OXFORD STREETS.] + +On the vote for an increase of fifty thousand men for the Navy Mr. +GEORGE LAMBERT solemnly announced that the Admiralty was "fumbling +with a magnificent weapon." It is distressing to think that a body +which for nearly ten years enjoyed his services as Civil Lord should +have deteriorated so rapidly since he left it. + +Mr. LYNCH does not think much of the new scheme for securing unity +of effort among the Allies. He called it "the analogue of the Aulic +Council" (pronounced "Owlic," to give more effect to the description). + +The Chequers Estate Bill passed through all its stages amid a chorus +of praise, despite the injunction of the generous donors that there +should be "no flowers." + +_Tuesday, December 11th_.--After all, London is to have the BARNARD +statue, despite the protest of Lord CHARNWOOD, LINCOLN'S latest +biographer, that it is not a portrait of his hero, but of a man whose +only connection with the PRESIDENT was that he was born in the same +neighbourhood. Against this Lord WEARDALE quoted Mr. ROOSEVELT'S +description of the statue as "the Lincoln we all knew and loved." +As Mr. ROOSEVELT had reached the mature age of six when LINCOLN was +assassinated the COMMISSIONER OF WORKS seems to have regarded his +testimony as conclusive. + +At the request of Mr. KING the Peers are to be allowed to listen to +the secret debates of the Commons, if any of them desire to do so. +The hon. Member having expressed a hope that the Peers would grant +reciprocal facilities to the Commons, Mr. HOGGE kindly suggested that +the Government should grant him "all the privileges of the House of +Lords." But Mr. BONAR LAW declined to deprive the House of Commons +in that way of one of its brightest ornaments; so the "Mad Hatter" +will not be called upon just yet awhile to exchange his traditional +headgear for a coronet. + +I presume some Members of Parliament know what "non-ferrous metals" +are, and what is the object of the Bill which the Government has +introduced to deal with them. But the views which they took on the +subject were so obscurely divergent that all I could gather from the +debate was that in some way or other the measure was intended to be a +nasty knock for German trade. That was good enough for the House at +large, which passed the Second Reading by a substantial majority. + +[Illustration: A HORRIBLE MENACE. MR. JOSEPH KING.] + +_Wednesday, December 12th_.--Mr. PRINGLE, having asserted that +candidates for appointments under the War Office were successful +simply on account of possessing a "pull" with the Selection +Department, was quietly reminded by the UNDER-SECRETARY that he +himself had attempted to use his influence on behalf of a candidate. +Mr. PRINGLE was righteously indignant. He had never asked favours of +the War Office; he had merely "recommended men personally known to +me." This delicate distinction, which should have convinced Members +of Mr. PRINGLE'S disinterestedness, only made them laugh. + +On the Vote of Credit for 550 millions the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER +was invited by Mr. DILLON to make a survey of the military situation. +He replied that all the relevant facts were known already. "The War +is going on; the Government and the country intend it shall go on; +and money is necessary to make it go on." It is, perhaps, a pity that +he did not content himself with this epitome and refuse to be drawn +into a discussion of the recent operations near Cambrai. What has +Mr. DILLON done to promote the prosecution of the War that he should +receive special consideration? + +There was a renewed discussion of the censorship of pamphlets. Sir +GEORGE CAVE ably defended the regulations, but did not convince +everyone that his preference for confiscation over prosecution was +entirely sound. The idea that the publishers of these pamphlets would +welcome advertisement is probably erroneous, or why was it necessary +to insist that they should put their names to them? + +Mr. SPENCER HUGHES'S humorous attack upon the CENSOR was much +applauded on the Liberal benches. Some of the more brilliant passages +would have received even wider appreciation if a good many Members had +not heard them a week before from the lips of Mr. AUGUSTINE BIRRELL at +a non-political luncheon. + +_Thursday, December 13th_.--Lord BERESFORD charged the PRIME MINISTER +with having two voices, like _Caliban's_ monster. Lord CURZON +flatly declined to accept the suggestion that Cabinet Ministers +were collectively responsible for one another's speeches--"they had +far more serious things to think of." The phrase seems a little +depreciatory, but as Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, according to his candid +colleague, is "constitutionally an optimist" he will no doubt make +the best of it. + +Mr. HOUSTON was informed that sweets "for military, naval or civil +consumption" were still being imported, but that the Ministry of +Shipping made no special provision for their carriage. No one, +therefore, need grudge Sir ERIC GEDDES the lozenge which he so +ostentatiously popped into his mouth just before making his speech +on Admiralty administration, or inquire too curiously whether it +was consumed by him in his capacity of Major-General, Vice-Admiral +or Civilian Minister. + +Despite the warning of the SPEAKER that it was not in the national +interest to embarrass the Administration, Mr. KING insisted on trying +to discuss forbidden topics. At last Lord ROBERT CECIL "espied +strangers," and we must assume that, without the vivifying presence of +the reporters, Mr. KING'S oratory wilted, for an hour afterwards the +House was up. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Polite Stranger_. "EXCUSE MY TURNING MY BACK UPON YOU, +SIR." + +_Curmudgeon_. "SIR, I KNOW OF NO OBLIGATION ON YOUR PART TO LOOK AT +ME."] + + * * * * * + +THE REWARD OF PATRIOTISM. + +"Major ---- has placed the mansion at the disposal of the War Office, +and will be in charge of Sister ----."--_Provincial Paper_. + + * * * * * + +THINGS OVERHEARD IN WAR-TIME. + +"There couldn't be room there for _all_ the Jews, could there?" + + * * * * * + +"After waiting two hours I got half-a-pound." + + * * * * * + +"It should be made compulsory." + + * * * * * + +"Wherever else these matches strike, they won't strike on the box." + + * * * * * + +"I just turned over and went to sleep again." + + * * * * * + +"I wish the Government would tell _me_ what I could do for them." + + * * * * * + +"Oh, another three years." + + * * * * * + +"What puzzles me is--Where is the paper shortage?" + + * * * * * + +"We keep a gramophone in the basement now." + + * * * * * + +"No one is more willing than I am to do something." + + * * * * * + +"It's the children's festival--that's what I always say." + + * * * * * + +HERBS OF GRACE. + +IX. + +PENNYROYAL.--A CAROL. + + _"Far away in Sicily!"-- + A home-come sailor sang this rhyme, + Deep in an ingle, mug on knee, + At Christmas time._ + + In Sicily, as I was told, + The children take them Pennyroyal, + The same as lurks on hill and wold + In Cotsall soil. + + The Pennyroyal of grace divine + In little cradles they do weave-- + Little cradles therewith they line + On Christmas Eve. + + And there, as midnight bells awake + The Day of Birth, as they do tell, + All into bud the small plants break + With sweetest smell. + + All into bud that very hour; + And pure and clean, as they do say, + The Pennyroyal's full in flower + On Christmas Day. + + _Far away in Sicily!-- + Hark, the Christmas bells do chime! + So blossom love in thee and me + This Christmas time!_ + + W.B. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady_ (_to uniformed friend_). "I SHOULDN'T A BIT +MIND WEARING UNIFORM IF ONLY ONE COULD CHOOSE ONE'S OWN COLOURS AT +THE WAR OFFICE."] + + * * * * * + +THE V.C. + +My cousin Agatha has been a bad correspondent ever since she +married my old friend, George Thimblewell, which means for the past +five-and-twenty years, so in ordinary circumstances I do not expect +more from her than a "hasty line" to tell me how the youngsters are +doing (George, of course, never writes at all). But I must say I was +surprised and not a little hurt when, in the skimpy margin of a letter +dealing mainly with the difficulty of devising breakfast-dishes, she +scribbled in the most casual manner conceivable, "George has got the +V.C. at last." + +George, my dear old school-chum, with the V.C., and his wife tells me +of it as casually as if it had been a gumboil! I sat with her letter +before me and looked back through the years, seeing us two--George +and myself--as we were long before Agatha even knew him. Had I not +fostered the yearning for heroic deeds in his young bosom? Was it not +possible, nay probable, that the influence of his boyhood's companion +had helped to mould his character and prepare it for this glorious if +belated achievement? Upon my word it seemed to me that I myself might +well take a certain amount of credit for that decoration. And here +was his wife mentioning it as though she scarcely expected me to be +interested. Never a date, never a detail. + +I was so ruffled that I decided, since she vouchsafed no information, +to ask for none, as became a man with proper pride. I adopted a +semi-jocular vein to meet the case. + +"I have known your V.C. longer than you have, Agatha," I wrote, "and +am as pleased and proud as you can be. The strong silent type--you can +rely upon them. Quiet and domesticated, requiring little attention, +helpful about the house, undemonstrative perhaps, but all the time +ready for the most desperate emergency. Let me know when George is +to be at home, and I shall come to dinner and hear all about it." + +As I sealed my note it occurred to me that George must be the first +special constable to win the Cross, and I felt a glow of satisfaction +to realise that we must now be eligible for that most glorious of all +decorations. + +A few days later came another note from Agatha, about sugar-cards this +time, but with a postscript which said, "It isn't like you to chaff +me, James. I don't see that there is anything particularly funny about +George having got the Vacuum Cleaner which he promised me long ago." + + * * * * * + +BIG GAME. + + "General Allenby reports that Budrus and Sheikh Obeid Rahid, to + the north of Midieh, were captured by Gurkhas, 50 Tanks being + killed and 10 taken prisoners."--_Evening Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "Ruler wanted, experienced, male or female (male preferred); wages + according to ability; removal assistance; away from raid area; + permanency to suitable applicant."--_Eastern Daily Press_. + +This might suit the KAISER, when Sir DOUGLAS HAIG has provided the +necessary "removal assistance." + + * * * * * + + "WHERE EX-TSAR KEEPS HIS GLOOMY COURT. + + "Built mostly of wood, the Imperial family occupies a brick + mansion."--_News of the World_. + +We are intended to infer, presumably, that if the Imperial Family had +been constructed of stouter material it might still be in the Winter +Palace. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Motor Driver_. "NAH, THEN, WHERE'S YOUR REAR LIGHT?" + +_Countryman_. "NOW, THEN, YE OWD ZEPPERLEEN, DO YE THINK I'M GOING TO +SHOW YE WHERE I BE?"] + + * * * * * + +TO THE REGIMENT. + +A CHRISTMAS MESSAGE. + + So Christmas comes and finds you yet in Flanders, + And all is mud and messiness and sleet, + And men have temperatures and horses glanders, + And Brigadiers have trouble with their feet, + And life is bad for Company-Commanders, + And even Thomas's is not so sweet. + + Now cooks for kindlewood would give great riches, + And in the dixies the pale stew congeals, + And ration-parties are not free from hitches, + But all night circle like performing seals, + Till morning breaks and everybody pitches + Into a hole some other person's meals. + + Now regiments huddle over last week's ashes + And pray for coal and sedulously "rest," + Where rain and wind contemn the empty sashes, + And blue lips frame the faint heroic jest, + Till some near howitzer goes off and smashes + The only window that the town possessed. + + Yet somehow Christmas in your souls is stirring, + And Colonels now less viciously upbraid + Their Transport Officers, however erring, + And sudden signals issue from Brigade + To say next Tuesday Christmas is occurring, + And what arrangements have Battalions made? + + And then, maybe, while everyone discusses + On what rich foods their dear commands shall dine, + And (most efficiently) the Padre fusses + About the birds, the speeches and the wine-- + The Corps-Commander sends a fleet of 'buses + To whisk you off to Christmas in the line. + + You make no moan, nor hint at how you're faring, + And here in turn we try to hide our woe, + With taxis mutinous, and Tubes so wearing, + And who can tell where all the matches go? + And all our doors and windows want repairing, + But can we get a man to mend them? No. + + The dustman visits not; we can't get castor; + In vain are parlour-maids and plumbers sought, + And human intellect can scarcely master + The time when beer may lawfully be bought, + Or calculate how cash can go much faster, + And if one's butcher's acting as he ought. + + Our old indulgences are now not cricket; + Whate'er one does _some_ Minister will cuss; + In Tube and Tram young ladies punch one's ticket, + With whom one can't be cross or querulous; + All things are different, but still we stick it, + And humbly hope we help a little thus. + + So, Fellow-sufferers, we give you greeting-- + All luck, all laughter and an end of wars! + And just to strengthen you for Fritz's beating, + I'm sending out a parcel from the Stores; + _They mean to stop my annual over-eating, + But it will comfort me to think of yours._ + + A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +THE BANK'S MISTAKE. + +"I wish," said Francesca, "you would explain something to me." + +"I am full," I said, "of explanations of every conceivable difficulty. +You have only to tap me and an explanation will come bubbling out." + +"I am not sure that I want the bubbling sort. On the whole I think I +prefer the still waters that run deep." + +"Those too can be provided for you. All you have got to do is to ask." + +"What a comfort it is," she said, "to live constantly in the mild and +magnificent eye of an encyclopaedia." + +"Yes," I said, "it saves a lot of running about, doesn't it? Come now, +fire off your question." + +"What is your opinion of the Bank of England?" + +"The Bank of England?" I gasped. "One doesn't have opinions of the +Bank of England. One just accepts it, you know, and there you are." + +"Yes," she said, "that's exactly what I felt about it. I thought it +was one of the signs of our superiority to everybody else, with its +crisp banknotes and all that." + +"You mustn't forget its detachment of the Guards to protect it. Many's +the good dinner I've had with the officer of the Bank Guard in the old +days." + +"I'm afraid that leaves me cold, not being able to take part in it." + +"If it gave me pleasure to dine at the Bank, I should have thought the +subject would have interested you." + +"Well, it wasn't exactly what I wanted to consult you about." + +"What was it then?" I said. "You know you mustn't cast doubts on the +financial stability of the Bank. You'll be put in prison if you do." + +"I shouldn't dream of doing anything of the sort." + +"Come, then, be quick about it. This suspense is making me tremble for +my War Loan Bonds." + +"Is the Bank," said Francesca, "a generous institution?" + +"Banks," I said, "cannot afford to be generous. They are just and +accurate and there's an end of it." + +"The Bank of England," she said, "being so great, is an exception to +the rule. Anyhow, it has been generous to me, for it has given me one +hundred pounds." + +"Do you mean," I cried, "one hundred pounds that don't belong to you?" + +"Of course I do. If they had belonged to me there wouldn't have been +anything to make a fuss about." + +"This," I said, "is one of the most breathless things ever known. +A mere woman, who is unskilled in finance and has only the dimmest +recollection of the rule of three and compound interest, gets the +better of the greatest banking institution in the world to the tune of +one hundred pounds. It's incredible. Of course you've made a mistake." + +"That's right," she said. "Always go against your wife and think her +wrong, even when it is only an institution that she's contending +with." + +"It's precisely because it is an institution that I doubt your +statement." + +"You're not very helpful; you don't tell me whether I'm to sit down +under the burden of owning one hundred pounds of the bank's money that +doesn't belong to me." + +"Francesca," I said, "you must calm yourself and tell me as clearly +as possible how you came into possession of this extra hundred pounds +which is apparently burning a hole in your pocket--if indeed you have +a pocket, which I doubt." + +"You're quite wrong; I've got two pockets in the dress I'm wearing at +this moment." + +"I will not," I said, "discuss with you the number of your pockets. +Now tell me your pathetic story. I am all ears." + +"Well," said Francesca, "it's this way. I put one hundred pounds in +the old War Loan, and then Exchequer Bonds came along, and I put one +hundred pounds of my very best savings into them, and then came the +new Five per Cent. War Loan, and somehow or other I got converted into +that. And after that there was what they called a broken amount, which +I brought up to fifty pounds or a multiple of fifty pounds. That cost +me about forty pounds. I don't know why they wanted me to do it or why +I did it." + +"Probably they thought it would be easier for the Bank." + +"That's paltry; easiness ought to have nothing to do with it." + +"Anyhow," I said, "I make out from your statement that you ought to +have two hundred and fifty pounds of Five per Cent. Stock to your +credit." + +"Precisely," said Francesca impressively, "but yesterday morning I +received from the bank a dividend thing--" + +"You may call it a warrant," I said. + +"A dividend warrant," continued Francesca, "for eight pounds fifteen +shillings on _three_ hundred and fifty pounds, so what have you got to +say now for your precious Bank of England?" + +"Your tale," I said, "has interested me strangely, but there is one +point you omitted to mention." + +"I am innocent, my Lord," said Francesca. "I have told you the truth." + +"But not the whole truth, prisoner at the bar. Don't you remember that +when the new Loan came out you borrowed money from me in order to take +up one hundred pounds of it?" + +"Is _that_ it?" said Francesca. "No, I hadn't remembered that." + +"Of course," I said, "a financial magnate like yourself would easily +forget so wretched a sum; but the Bank has done no wrong." + +"Yes, it has; it sent out a lot of papers that were very confusing, +and it's no wonder I made a mistake." + +"The question in my mind," I said, "is this: when are you going to +repay what you owe me--with interest?" + +"We'll talk about that another time," said Francesca. + +R.C.L. + + * * * * * + +FOR OUR SAILORS AND SOLDIERS. + +The Veterans Association is giving a Special Entertainment at the +Alhambra on Sunday afternoon, December 30th, on behalf of their +Imperial Memorial Fund which is being raised to expand the Veterans +Club into an adequate Institution for the comfort of ex-sailors +and ex-soldiers, and to provide an Imperial Memorial for those who +have given their lives in the War. The Veterans Club in Hand Court, +Holborn, has already done a great work during the six or seven years +of its existence in looking after sailors and soldiers. Free medical +and legal advice is given, and the homes of the men are protected +by the storing of their furniture while they are on active service. +Employment is also found for soldiers and sailors whose service is +done. For the Entertainment at the Alhambra on the 30th, the following +artistes, among others, have generously volunteered their services: +Miss VIOLET LORAINE, Miss PHYLLIS MONCKMAN, Miss WISH WYNNE, Miss ESME +BERINGER, Messrs. LAURI DE FRECE, MARK LESTER, HERBERT GROVER and +GEORGE ROBEY. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER SEX PROBLEM. + + "Henry III. was Queen Mary's brother-in-law, she having been + for a short time the husband of his predecessor, Francis + II."--_The Sphere._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SPREAD OF THE QUEUE HABIT.] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +One of the most interesting features, to an English observer, in the +impressive spectacle of America girding herself for war is the sight +of our great Ally passing through all those phases of initiation that +to us are now remote memories. Such a phase is the coming of the +first war-books, exemplified for me by the appearance of _From the +Fire Step_ (PUTNAMS). As his sub-title indicates--_Experiences of an +American Soldier in the British Army_--the writer, Mr. ARTHUR GUY +EMPEY, has proved himself something of a pioneer. In a singularly +vivacious opening chapter he tells how, after waiting with decreasing +expectation during the months that followed the _Lusitania_ crime, he +decided to be a law unto himself, and came alone to offer his personal +service in the cause of freedom. You will hardly read unmoved (by +laughter as much as by sympathy) his story of how this offer was at +first refused, then accepted. Throughout indeed you must prepare to +find Mr. EMPEY an entirely independent, though generous, critic of +our men and methods; it is precisely this attitude that gives his +book its chief interest as a survey of all-too-familiar things from +a refreshingly new angle. I hardly suppose there will be anything in +the actual matter, from church parade to gas-attacks, which readers +on this side will not by now have seen or heard about, times beyond +number; but one can imagine sympathetically with what concern it +will all be received in the homes oversea; and after turning its +high-spirited and encouraging pages can warmly echo the admonition of +their writer: "Pacifists and small-army people please read with care!" + + * * * * * + +Since there is probably no writer who can approach Mrs. FLORA ANNIE +STEEL in the art of telling Indian tales about Indian people, one is +specially happy to find her in _Mistress of Men_ (HEINEMANN) with +her foot once more upon her special terrain. Not for the first time, +I think, she has gone to the records of the House of AKBAR for her +material; the result here is hardly to be called a novel so much as +amplified history, since it is really the life story of an actual +(and wonderful) woman, NURJAHAN THE BEAUTIFUL, wife of the Emperor +JAHANGIR. Naturally the writer has experienced not only the great +advantages but the hazards of such a building upon fact. To explain +the marriage of your heroine with the Imperial lover by whose orders +her first husband was killed, and not to lessen sympathy for her in +the process, is a problem to test the skill of any novelist. One sees, +however, even without Mrs. STEEL'S own declaration, that it has been +for her a grateful task to set down "a record of the most perfect +passion ever shown by man for woman." This was the adoration of the +EMPEROR for his consort, an amazing romance of Oriental domesticity, +which makes the story of the pair stranger and more fascinating than +fiction. A love-tale indeed; and, since 'tis love that makes a book +go round, one may trust the circulating libraries to see to it that +_Mistress of Men_ is well represented on their shelves. As a study +of an alluring, dazzling and masterful personality it was well worth +writing. + + * * * * * + +There is a sad interest in the title-page of _Irish Memories_ +(LONGMANS), since only by a pathetic fiction does it bear the names, +as joint authors, of E. OE. SOMERVILLE and "MARTIN ROSS," those two +gifted ladies whose association has been such a happy chance for +them and for us all. Really the book, though in part compiled from +the letters and journals of "MARTIN," is an eloquent tribute by Miss +SOMERVILLE to the partner whose death has robbed her of a friend and +the world of so much kindly laughter. But, haunted as it is by this +shadow of bereavement, you must in no way think of it as wholly a +thing of gloom. Looking back into the good years, the writer has +recalled many incidents and scenes full of that genial and most +infectious merriment that we have learnt to expect from her--tales of +the wonderful peasant chorus that one remembers first in the pages of +_An Irish R.M._, exploits after hounds (it needs no telling how well +both authors loved them), and much besides. There will be interest +also for many uninitiated admirers in the account here given of how +the famous stories came first into being. Of its more intimate and +personal side I hesitate to speak; those who loved "MARTIN ROSS," +either through her writings or in the closer relationship of friend, +must be glad that her _ave atque vale_ has been spoken, as she would +have wished it, by her whose right it was. It will send many to +read again those delightful volumes with a new appreciation of the +sympathetic and lovable personality that helped in their making. + + * * * * * + +I am afraid that something of the charm which, in a sympathetic +preface, M. HENRI BORDEAUX claims for _A Crusader in France_ (MELROSE) +is veiled by a rather faltering translation. I would counsel all +who appreciate the exquisitely sensitive _Recit d'une Soeur_, with +which he not unfavourably compares it, to go rather to the French +original of these letters of a young captain of the famous Chasseurs +Alpins. Captain FREDERIC BELMONT fell near the stubbornly-contested +Hartmannsweilerkopf in 1916. He was the third of his family to give +his life for France. The letters reveal a character that hardships +and dangers not only strengthened but refined. He writes with a noble +French ardour of his country in the crisis of her fate. He dreads, but +rises greatly to the height of, his heavy responsibility as Captain at +the age of twenty-one. The coveted cross of the Legion of Honour comes +to him before the end, and he wins the affection and confidence of his +men--a soldier's highest prize. A deep religious conviction unclouded +by superstition sustains his courage. He is a product of the French +Catholic tradition at its best. He writes intelligently of his work, +and with a greater freedom as to detail than our more exigeant +censorship allows; so that you get an excellent picture of the daily +life of a campaigner in the greatest of all wars. He met the English +in Flanders, admired and liked their looks and ways.... A very +charming record of a gallant soldier, a chosen soul. + + * * * * * + +In the first few pages of _At the Serbian Front in Macedonia_ (LANE), +Mr. E.P. STEBBING tells so many little anecdotes that I began to +wonder if he was ever going to get there. When, however, he has +got into his stride, he gives us information which is all the more +valuable because we hear so little of the Macedonian campaign. Mr. +STEBBING was appointed Transport Officer to a unit of the Scottish +Women's Hospitals that was sent to the Serbian Front. Naturally he has +much to say of the work done by these brave and untiring women. Under +exceptionally difficult circumstances their courage never failed, +and it is good to remember that their arrival at Ostrovo was of the +greatest possible service to the Serbs. That is one part of the book, +and it is well told. The other is of actual war, and here Mr. STEBBING +was given ample opportunities to observe. No one can read his account +of the taking of Kajmaktcalan without feeling the keenest admiration +for the gallantry of the Serbs. He also describes very graphically the +frontal attack by the French upon the Kenali lines in October, 1916. +The British public is too apt to look upon the Macedonian campaign +as a prolonged picnic, and for them a dose of Mr. STEBBING would be +excellent medicine. I wish someone with our own troops would do as +sound a service for them as is done here for the Serbs and French. +But let him avoid anecdotes. + + * * * * * + +I am a little puzzled about _A Bolt from the East_ (METHUEN). The +publishers, who surely should know, call it "A modern and up-to-date +romance, which deals mystically but boldly with the greatest and most +pertinent of all questions--'Is Life Worth Living?'" But for my own +part the greatest and most pertinent question suggested by Mr. G.F. +TURNER'S up-to-date romance was whether it could possibly have been +intended as serious. I despair of giving you any adequate idea of its +contents. There are lots and lots of characters, and, as several of +them seem to own more than one personality, it is often more than a +little hard to say who is what. The central figure is an Indian Prince +of marvellous beauty and mysterious powers, who, being jilted by the +girl of his heart, wishes to be revenged upon the human race. To this +end he employs the activities of a German Professor, who produces what +one might call a _Kultur_ of the sterility germ. However, these cheery +projects go astray, though in precisely what manner I have no very +clear idea. But the end came at a gathering where the _Prince_ played +psychic music, and a chance union of hands between hero and heroine +transmuted the former from "a dilettante" and "polished ladies' man" +to "a virile male filled with the blasting vehemence of primary +passions." Incidentally it proved altogether too much both for the +_Professor_ and his inoculated rabbits, all of whom expired on the +spot. Just about here that most pertinent question became more acute +than ever. Fortunately it was the last page but one of the story. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Visitor_. "I HEAR YOUR BOY IS IN PALESTINE. HOW +INTERESTING IT MUST BE FOR HIM TO MOVE AMONG THOSE SCENES WHERE EVERY +SPOT BEINGS UP SOME RECOLLECTION OF THE WONDERFUL EVENTS OF BIBLICAL +HISTORY!" + +_The Mother_. "TED DON'T SAY MUCH ABOUT THAT IN 'IS LETTERS. 'E SEEMS +TO THINK THE COUNTRY IS SUFFERIN' FROM A FLY-PAPER SHORTAGE."] + + * * * * * + "Senhor Rodrique Bettencourt will be Premier, and Senhor + Adinterin, President of the Republic."--_Dublin Daily Express_. + +But is nothing to be done for Senhors Defacto and Dejure? + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +153, DEC. 19, 1917*** + + +******* This file should be named 11466.txt or 11466.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/4/6/11466 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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