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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11444 ***
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 11444-h.htm or 11444-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/4/11444/11444-h/11444-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/4/11444/11444-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 153
+
+DECEMBER 12, 1917
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+A "Company for Oversea Enterprises" has been formed in Hamburg. It has
+no connection with the German High Sea Fleet.
+
+       ***
+
+A guinea a dozen is being offered for rabbits in the Isle of Wight.
+Most of them, however, are holding back for a War bonus.
+
+       ***
+
+A Newcastle man who has been missing for eleven months has just turned
+up at his home. He excused himself on the grounds that the tea queue
+was rather a long one.
+
+       ***
+
+There are reports current of an impending strike of brewery workers in
+the North. Several employees have threatened to "Down Beer."
+
+       ***
+
+Confirmation is still awaited of the rumour that several food ships
+have recently torpedoed themselves rather than fall into the hands of
+the profiteers.
+
+       ***
+
+The statement that Viscount NORTHCLIFFE has refused the post of
+Minister of Health is without foundation. It is no secret, however,
+that he would decline the position even if he should offer it to
+himself.
+
+       ***
+
+Double-headed matches are impracticable, according to the Tobacco and
+Matches Control Board. The sorts with detachable heads, however, will
+continue to be manufactured.
+
+       ***
+
+A Norfolk fisherman with twenty-six children has been fined five
+shillings for neglecting seven of them. His offence is thought to have
+been due to oversight.
+
+       ***
+
+According to the Lord Mayor of DUBLIN there is plenty of food in
+Ireland. In the best Sinn Fein circles it is thought that this
+condition of things points to an attempt on the part of the Government
+to bring discredit on the sacrificial devotion of the Separatists.
+
+       ***
+
+So realistic has the stage become of late that in _The Boy_ at the
+Adelphi, Mr. W.H. BERRY (we give the rumour for what it is worth)
+sits down to a meal of wood cutlets.
+
+       ***
+
+In order that no confusion may be caused among guests the Government
+has been requested to have a "take over" whistle blown in the
+corridors before they commandeer the next hotel.
+
+       ***
+
+It seems that TROTZKY is to have no nonsense. He has even threatened
+to make lynching illegal.
+
+       ***
+
+The _Neue Freie Presse_ describes LENIN as the revolutionary with
+kings at his feet. He also seems to have several knaves up his sleeve.
+
+       ***
+
+A Brixton lady has left the sum of four hundred pounds to her dog. It
+would be interesting to hear the family solicitor asking him whether
+he would take it in War Bonds or bones.
+
+       ***
+
+The Timber Commission reports a grave shortage of birch, and a number
+of earnest ushers are asking, "What is the use of the censorship?"
+
+       ***
+
+It is now declared that the high explosive found on Countess
+MARKIEVICZ'S "green scouts" was not intended for destructive purposes.
+Mr. DE VALERA, M.P., was merely going to eat it.
+
+       ***
+
+Many grocers and publicans, it is stated, have already been combed out
+of the Welsh coal mines. Efforts to comb the others out of their gold
+mines are meeting with only indifferent success.
+
+       ***
+
+British grit will win, declares Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON. If some of
+our elderly statesmen will refrain from dropping theirs into the
+machinery.
+
+       ***
+
+The London Fire Brigade has been given permission to form a band. The
+lack of some method of keeping the crowd amused at the more protracted
+fires has often proved an embarrassment to the force.
+
+       ***
+
+The big elephant at the Zoo has been destroyed, says a news item. A
+maximum price for potted game is already being considered by the Food
+Ministry.
+
+       ***
+
+Charged with selling bacon that was bad, a firm of grocers pleaded
+that the stuff had been released by the Government. At first sight it
+looked as if it had merely escaped from custody.
+
+       ***
+
+The man who was last week charged at a London police court with posing
+as a Government official has been put back for the state of his mind
+to be inquired into.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Scandalised Voice from Gallery_. "'ERE, _WOT_'S THE
+PAPER CONTROLLER DOIN'?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The late Mr. Merryweather, who was in his 78th year,
+    was responsible for great developments in fire-lighting
+    appliances."--_Scotsman_.
+
+A good scheme--light it first and fight it afterwards.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Supposing a wolf were to attack you and your family, what
+    would you do?--Mr. Hedderwick.
+
+    "I would point out that season tickets are issued by
+    railway companies only as an act of grace.--Sir William
+    Forbes."--_The Star_.
+
+Our contemporary heads this "Words Winged To-day."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From "A Word to the Churches," by Miss MARIE CORELLI:--
+
+    "'A word' of solemn warning was uttered by the Angel of
+    the Seven Spirits to the Church in Sardis....
+
+    "And this 'word' was fulfilled to the letter, for, as Herodotus
+    tells us, 'Sardis was taken and utterly sacked.'"--_Daily
+    Graphic_.
+
+We fancy the passage must occur in Book X., in which we also find
+the famous account of the capture of Timbuctoo by the Roman Emperor
+Montezuma in the fourth Punic War--or was it the fifth Crusade?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE GERMAN PEOPLE.
+
+  Each to his taste: if you prefer
+    The KAISER'S whip across your flanks;
+  If you enjoy the bloody spur
+    That rips your cannon-fodder's ranks;
+  If to his boots you still adhere,
+    Kissing 'em as you've always kissed 'em,
+  Why, who are we to interfere
+    With your internal Teuton system?
+
+  If from your bonds you know quite well
+    You might, this moment, find release,
+  Changing, at will, your present hell
+    For Liberty's heaven of lasting peace;
+  If yet, for habit's sake, you choose
+    This reign of steel, this rule of terror,
+  It's not for us to push our views
+    And point you out your silly error.
+
+  Herein I speak as I am taught--
+    That your affairs are yours alone,
+  Though, for myself, I should have thought
+    They had a bearing on my own;
+  Have I no right to interpose,
+    Urging on you a free autonomy,
+  Just as your U-boats shove their nose
+    In my interior economy?
+
+  I'm told we have no quarrel, none,
+    With you as Germans. That's absurd.
+  Myself, I hate all sorts of Hun,
+    Yet will I say one kindly word:
+  If, still refusing Freedom's part,
+    You keep the old Potsdam connection,
+  With all my sympathetic heart
+    I wish you joy of that selection.
+
+  O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ORDER OF THE DAY.
+
+In my opinion the value of the stock letter has distinct limitations.
+What I mean to say is that if there is in a Government office a series
+of half a dozen standard epistles, one or other of which can be used
+as a reply to the majority of the conundrums that daily serve to bulge
+the post-bag of the "controller" or "director," the selection of the
+appropriate missive should not be left purely to chance.
+
+Last month I wrote to the Methylated Spirit Controller:--
+
+    "DEAR SIR,--Referring to the recent Methylated Spirit (Motor Fuel)
+    Restriction Order, No. 2, 1917, I wish to know whether I am at
+    liberty to use my car as a means of conveyance to a farm about ten
+    miles away where the rabbits are eating the young blades of wheat.
+    A friend has invited me to help him shoot them--the rabbits, I
+    mean."
+
+Well, that was lucid enough, wasn't it? But the reply was not so
+helpful as I could have wished. It opened intelligibly with the words
+"Dear Sir," but continued:--
+
+    "I am directed by the Methylated Spirit Controller to inform you
+    that the employment of a hackney motor vehicle, not licensed to
+    ply for hire, as a conveyance to divine service constitutes
+    a breach of Regulation 8 ZZ of the Defence of the Realm
+    Regulations."
+
+Not a word about the rabbits, you see.
+
+I was so fascinated by the unexpected results of my first effort that
+I tried again, this time breaking new ground.
+
+    "DEAR SIR," I wrote,--"Referring to Methylated Spirit (Motor Fuel)
+    Restriction Order, No. 2, 1917, am I at liberty to use my car
+    daily to take my children to their school, which is five miles
+    from my residence? The only alternative form of conveyance
+    available is a donkey and cart, the employment of which means
+    that my offspring would have to start overnight."
+
+I received a quite polite but rather chilly answer:--
+
+    "I am directed by the Methylated Spirit Controller to inform you
+    that the class of necessary household affairs for which methylated
+    spirit may be employed as a motor fuel comprises the conveyance
+    from the nearest convenient source of supply of foodstuffs, fuel
+    and medical requisites, provided that they cannot be obtained
+    without undue delay by any means of conveyance other than a motor
+    car."
+
+My interest thoroughly stimulated by this time, I made yet one more
+attempt. I wrote:--
+
+    "DEAR SIR,--Referring to Methylated Spirit (Motor Fuel)
+    Restriction Order, No. 2, 1917, I wish to sell my car"--which was
+    true--"but how, as I am now practically debarred from driving it
+    on the road, am I to give an intending purchaser a trial run?"
+
+This was evidently a shrewd thrust, which required consideration, and
+I heard nothing for a fortnight, during which I disposed of the car to
+the proprietor of the local garage. At last the well-known O.H.M.S.
+envelope gladdened my eyes. The letter within it, apologetic but
+dignified in tone, is, I fancy, the most popular in stock. It said:--
+
+    "I am directed by the Methylated Spirit Controller to express
+    regret that there is no trace of the correspondence to which you
+    refer."
+
+I left it at that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGAR CARDS AND WILLS.
+
+_TO THE MANAGER OF THE LEGAL DEPARTMENT, "PUNCH."_
+
+Sir,--I am one of the executors and trustees of the will of a relation
+who cannot, I fear, live for many weeks. Included in his property will
+be a sugar card; and to you, Sir, I turn for advice and guidance in
+the responsibilities which I am shortly to assume.
+
+1. Will the Government accept a sugar card (as they do War Stock) in
+payment of Estate Duty?
+
+2. What is the correct method of valuation? Does one calculate the
+market price by so many years' purchase based on one's estimate of the
+duration? Or will quotations be obtainable on the Stock Exchange?
+
+3. My relative has left it in the discretion of his Trustees to
+distribute a part of his estate for charitable purposes. Could the
+Trustees, under their discretionary power, hand the card to the
+Trafalgar Square authorities in reduction of the National Debt? Or
+ought they first to obtain the consent of the residuary legatees?
+
+4. There is a tenancy for life of part of the residue. If the card is
+comprised in such part, and the tenant for life became bankrupt, would
+the card vest in his Trustee in Bankruptcy? If so, what becomes of
+the remaindermen's rights? Perhaps the best plan would be to put on a
+_distringas_ with the deceased's grocer.
+
+5. Have the Trustees power on their own initiative to lease the card
+for a term of years? Or should the approval of the transaction by the
+Court, under the Settled Estates Act, be first obtained?
+
+6. With whom do the Executors register the Probate, so as to perfect
+their title? Lord RHONDDA, Sir A. YAPP, or the grocer?
+
+7. On the true construction of the Finance Acts, 1894-1916, do you
+consider that a sugar card is "Free Personal Property," or "Settled
+Property," or "An Estate by itself," or "Property in which the
+deceased's interest was less than an absolute interest." The card is
+apparently "aggregable" with something or other for the purposes of
+duty. Would this be the testator's furniture?
+
+Yours, etc., A CONSTANT READER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: [struck through: GERMAN] EAST AFRICA.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Tommy_ (_in lorry_). "YOU'VE STOOD THERE
+WATCHING US LONG ENOUGH. I SUPPOSE YOU FIND US INTERESTING?"
+
+_Second Tommy_. "NOA. A WUR JUST THINKIN' O' WHEN T' PUNCH AND JUDY
+SHOW USED TO COOM TO OORR VILLAGE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+LXVII.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--In the little village I'm thinking of it is a sight
+on no account to be missed to see the same old British Tommy shopping
+by telepathy. He doesn't speak their language and they don't speak
+his, and when the article required is not in the window or on the
+counter to be indicated by the thumb, a deadlock would appear to be
+inevitable. Our Master Thomas, however, never did realise what a
+deadlock is; he goes on till he gets what he wants. So you see them in
+pairs, taking up a stolid position at the counter, obstinately stating
+and re-stating their demands in a composite language of which the
+foreign element is almost negligible, until the merchant or his wife
+gives in and produces the article required. I know one simple soldier
+who managed to reconcile himself to the confirmed habit amongst the
+French people of addressing each other in the French language, but
+could never understand their addressing horses and dogs in such an
+unintelligible tongue. "If you want a dog to come 'ere, why not say
+'Come 'ere!' and 'ave done with it?" Men may learn strange lingoes to
+humour their fellow-men, but how can any dog be expected to understand
+"_Viens ici_"?
+
+Three years and some odd months have not changed this point of view;
+and now for Thomas to find himself in Italy is only to discover
+another lot of unfortunate people who cannot understand or make
+themselves understood. A little thing like that, however, is not going
+to be allowed to stand between friends; already new words and phrases
+are being coined, mutually acceptable to both parties.
+
+The first sign I saw of our arrival in this country was a derelict
+mess-tin on a country station platform; at the next station I saw
+a derelict rifle; at the next a whole derelict kit, and lastly a
+complete-in-all-parts derelict soldier. He was surrounded by a small
+crowd of native men, women and children, anxious to show their
+appreciation of his nation by assisting himself. They were doing their
+utmost to ascertain his needs; they were trying him with slices of
+bread, a _fiasco_ of chianti, words of intense admiration, flowers. It
+was none of these things he wanted; he had only missed his train and
+wanted to know what to do about it. But how were they to know that?
+When a Latin misses his train he doesn't sit down stolidly and think
+slowly.
+
+I went to his aid. From the manner in which he rose to salute me they
+guessed that I was the Commander-in-Chief of all the English, and
+were for giving me an ovation. Thomas explained his trouble to me in
+half-a-dozen words; I solved it for him in even fewer. Thomas and I
+quite understood each other, and there was no want of sympathy and
+fellow-feeling between us. To the small crowd, however, this was the
+extreme of brutal curtness. They now thought I was of the English
+_carabinieri_, and that Thomas was being led off to his execution.
+They were visibly cowed.
+
+But the situation is not so simple and clearly defined as it was in
+the first place. In the old days either we were English and they
+weren't, or they were French and we weren't. There was no _tertium
+quid_. Now things are more complicated. As Thomas and I stood on the
+platform, loving each other silently and unostentatiously, a cheery
+musical train of _poilus_ laboured into the station. There was nothing
+silent or curt about them: they were all for bread and chianti and
+flowers and ovations or any other old thing the crowd cared to offer.
+Anything for a jest and to pass the time of day. Between the French
+troops and the Italian crowd the matter was clear enough. Next-door
+neighbours, molested by the same gang of roughs in the same brutal
+manner, quite understand each other and the general situation when
+they climb over each other's garden fences to put the matter to
+rights. It was the presence of Thomas and myself which put such an
+odd complexion on the whole affair.
+
+Between ourselves and the crowd it was "Long live Italy!" and "Long
+live England!" Between the _poilus_ and the crowd it was "Long live
+Italy!" and "Long live France!" But between the _poilus_ and ourselves
+there were no signs of any desire that England or France might endure
+another day. And yet the crowd couldn't suppose that we didn't like
+each other, for the knowing looks which passed between the hilarious
+_poilu_ and slowly smiling Thomas clearly indicated some strange and
+intimate relation. The crowd just didn't know what to make of it all
+and what exactly was between these odd strangers, who seemed to have
+everything in common but nothing to say to each other. For ourselves,
+I think it made us feel homesick, and the home which Thomas and I felt
+sick for (if you can believe it of us) was a certain estaminet we know
+of and a cup of caffy-o-lay. It was at this moment I first realised
+that, as between England and France, there are no longer such things
+as foreigners; either we've become French or they've become English,
+or else the two of us have combined into a new mixture which hasn't
+yet got a name to it.
+
+I think, though one doesn't talk much out here about glorious
+alliances, some deep feelings were being felt all round. Diversion was
+ultimately provided by the arrival of an imposing figure in dark blue,
+with a lot of gilt about him. The _poilu_ put him down as an Italian
+cavalry officer, and expressed the further hope that Italy would
+endure for ever. The Italian crowd took him for something English, but
+not being able to judge whether he was greater or less than myself,
+contented themselves with an attitude of non-committal reverence all
+round. Thomas informed me that he was a French Staff Officer and
+displayed no further interest. Though I cannot tell you what in the
+name of goodness he was doing in those parts, he was in fact an
+American Naval Officer,
+
+In short, Charles, alliances are things as wonderful to see as they
+are magnificent to read about. I do, however, regard with something
+approaching alarm the new language which will be evolved to put the
+lot of us on complete speaking terms.
+
+Yours ever, HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "EXCUSE ME, BUT IS THERE AN AIR-RAID ON?"
+
+"YES, I THINK SO."
+
+"I'M MUCH OBLIGED. MY FRIEND'S UP FROM THE COUNTRY AND HE'S NEVER SEEN
+ONE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LIGHT REPAST.
+
+    "Under existing conditions, it is the duty of every citizen to
+    confine his present consumption to an average of six matches
+    a day, which with careful economy ought to suffice for all
+    reasonable meals during the present emergency."--_Daily Mail_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At Leeds Assizes yesterday sentences were passed by Mr. Justice
+    Boche ..."--_Times_.
+
+Does not this almost amount to contempt of court?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a speech by the Lord Mayor of DUBLIN:--
+
+    "That would he a crying evil, to leave the poor people in the city
+    without milk. It would be a wise thing if the Corporation would
+    take the bull by the horns and deal with the matter."--_Dublin
+    Evening Mail_.
+
+It might be still wiser to tackle the cow at the udder end.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE INCORRUPTIBLES.
+
+    [Herr SCHÄFF, writing in the _Tägliche Rundschau_ on the spiritual
+    grandeur of Germany, declares that the degradation of her enemies
+    will not prevent her doing honour to those dauntless men who in
+    enemy and neutral countries have stood for truth and actualities.
+    "The time will come when we shall mention their names and call
+    them our friends. After the War we shall do homage to these men
+    and to their incorruptible conduct. We shall erect monumental
+    brasses in their honour. They are heroes, and their memories shall
+    be consecrated."]
+
+  A literary spokesman of the Huns
+  Pays liberal homage to those "dauntless" sons
+  Of hostile nations, who have all along
+  Maintained their fellow-countrymen were wrong.
+  No guerdon for their courage is too great,
+  But, till the War is ended, they must wait;
+  Then shall Germania, with grateful soul,
+  Inscribe their names upon her golden roll;
+  And "monumental brasses" shall attest
+  The zeal wherewith they strove to foul their nest.
+
+  Such homage no one grudges them in lands
+  Where eulogy for deep damnation stands;
+  But in the Motherland they still infest
+  How shall we treat this matricidal pest?
+  No torture, not the worst their patrons use
+  On starving women or on shipwrecked crews,
+  No pain however bitter would requite
+  Their transcendental infamy aright.
+
+  Death in whatever form were all too mild
+  For those who at their country's anguish smiled.
+  Oblivion is by far the bitterest woe
+  England's professional revilers know,
+  Who joyously submit to be abhorred
+  But suffer grinding torments if ignored.
+  So let them live, renounced by their own sons,
+  And taste the amnesty that spares and shuns.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mrs. J.M. B---- (_née_ Nurse ----), a son."--_Scotsman_.
+
+Nurses, like poets, are born, not made.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PLAY'S THE THING.
+
+Just outside Mrs. Ropes' drive gates there lies a famous and exclusive
+golf course, and when she turned her house into a Convalescent Home
+the secretary wrote offering the hospitality of the club to all
+officers who might come under her care.
+
+Nevertheless, when Haynes and I first arrived, we were both too
+languid and feeble for any more exacting form of athletics than
+spillikins and jigsaws, and it was some time before the M.O. gave
+us permission to go on the links.
+
+"And remember," he added, "gently to begin with. Stop at the
+thirteenth hole."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Of course," I said apologetically to Haynes as we neared the
+club-house, "I was pretty putrid before the War, so I shall be simply
+indescribable now."
+
+"My dear chap, this isn't going to be a match. Keep your excuses till
+we play serious golf. To-day's just a gentle knock round. Here we are.
+I'll go and borrow some clubs; you get a couple of caddies."
+
+Five minutes later he rejoined me, carrying two sets of clubs.
+
+"Hallo!" he remarked in surprise. "I didn't know you'd brought your
+family. Introduce me."
+
+"Mabel," I said, "and Lucy--our caddies."
+
+"Girls?"
+
+"They have that appearance. Why not?"
+
+"They'll cramp my style horribly; I like to be free."
+
+"Can't you be free in French for once?"
+
+"Most unsatisfying. Why didn't you get boys?"
+
+"The caddy-master says (a) girls are better; (b) he has no boys; (c)
+all the boys he has are booked by plutocrats with season tickets."
+
+"Oh, all right. Here are your clubs--the pro. gave me the only two
+sets he had available. You're a bit taller than I am, so I've given
+you the long ones."
+
+I looked at them critically.
+
+"Doesn't a pair of stilts go with them?" I asked.
+
+"Well, mine are worse. Just a bundle of toothpicks. Here, catch hold,
+Lucy."
+
+Mabel teed up for me. I selected a driver about the length of a
+telegraph pole and swept my ball away. It stopped just short of the
+first bunker.
+
+Haynes bent himself double to address his ball, but straightened up
+while swinging and missed it by a foot. At the second attempt he
+hooked it over square-leg's head on to the fairway of the eighteenth
+hole.
+
+"_Sacré bleu!_" he said with very fair freedom, "I'm not going all
+that way after it. Lucy, run and fetch it, there's a dear."
+
+Lucy, highly scandalized at the idea of losing a hole so tamely,
+started off; Mabel and Haynes and I went after my ball.
+
+I took the mashie, because I distrusted my ability to carry the bunker
+with another telegraph pole. That mashie would have been about the
+right length for me if I could have stood on a chair while making my
+stroke. As it was it entered the ground two feet behind the ball and
+emerged, with a superb divot, just in front.
+
+"Aren't there _any_ short clubs in the bag, Mabel?" I asked. She
+handed me a straight-faced putter ...
+
+Five strokes later I picked my ball up out of the bunker.
+
+"I'm over-exerting myself," I said. "We'll call that hole a half."
+
+Neither of us was satisfied with his tee shot at the next hole. I
+picked my ball out of a gorse-bush, and Haynes rescued his from a
+drain. Then we strolled amicably towards the third tee. Our caddies,
+unused to such methods, followed reluctantly.
+
+"Was that 'ole 'alved, too, Sir?" piped Mabel with anxious interest.
+
+"It's a nice point. I hardly know. Why?"
+
+She hung her head and blushed. A sudden suspicion struck me.
+
+"Mabel," I said sternly, "are you--_can_ you be--_betting_ on this
+game?"
+
+"Yes, Sir," she answered with a touch of defiance. "Boys always does."
+
+I told Haynes, who appeared profoundly shocked.
+
+"Good G----! I mean, _Mon dieu!_" he exclaimed. "What are we doing?"
+
+"Surely you can't hold us responsible? The child's parents ..."
+
+"I don't mean _that_, you ass. Here we have the innocent public
+putting its money on our play, and we're treating the whole thing as a
+joke. This has got to be a match, after all. A woman's fortune hangs
+upon the issue--doesn't it, Lucy?"
+
+"Yes, Sir," she answered without comprehension.
+
+From this point the game became a grim struggle. I won the third hole
+in seventeen, but Haynes took the fourth in nineteen to my twenty-two.
+
+At the fifth I noticed a pond guarding the green. I carefully
+circumvented this with my faithful putter and holed out in my smallest
+score of the round so far.
+
+"Hi!" shouted Haynes. "How many?" He had been having a little hockey
+practice by himself in the rough, and was now preparing to play an
+approach shot across the pond.
+
+"Twelve!"
+
+"Then I've this for the hole," he yelled, and topped his ball gently
+into the water ...
+
+So it went on--what the papers call a ding-dong struggle. Suffice it
+to say that at the twelfth I was dormy one and in a state of partial
+collapse.
+
+The thirteenth is a short hole. You drive from a kind of pulpit, and
+the green is below you, protected by large stiff-backed bunkers like
+pews.
+
+"Last hole, thank Heaven," panted Haynes. "I couldn't bear much more.
+I'm all of a dither as it is."
+
+Mabel, twittering with excitement, teed up. I looked at the green
+lying invitingly below and took that gigantic putter. The ball, struck
+with all my little remaining strength, flew straight towards the
+biggest bunker, scored a direct hit on the top of it, bounced high in
+the air--and trickled on to the green.
+
+Haynes invoked the Deity (even at that stressful moment, to his
+eternal credit, in French) and took his miniature driver. His ball,
+hit much too hard, pitched in the same bunker, crossed it, climbed up
+the face of it, and joined mine on the green. Utterly unnerved, we
+toddled down and took our putts. Haynes, through sheer luck (as he
+admits), laid his ball stone dead; I had a brain-storm and over-ran
+the hole, leaving myself a thirty-foot putt for the match. I took long
+and careful aim, but my hands were shaking pitifully. The ball started
+on a grotesquely wrong line, turned on a rise in the ground, cannoned
+off a worm-cast and plopped into the tin. Mabel gave a shriek of
+joy, and Lucy--well, I regret to say that Lucy made use of a terse
+expression the French equivalent of which her employer had been at
+great pains to remember. Haynes and I lay flat on the ground, overcome
+as much by emotion as by our physical weakness.
+
+At last I struggled to a sitting posture.
+
+"Mabel," I croaked, "I shall want at least ten per cent. commission
+for that. How much have you won?"
+
+"Please, Sir," she cooed happily, "a 'a'p'ny, Sir."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MERRY WIDOW (GRASS).
+
+    "Mother's help, to assist lady; husband away; happy
+    home."--_Birmingham Daily Post_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A St. Cleather man, who had planted a wastrel, is to be invited
+    to attend the next meeting."--_Western Morning News_.
+
+Surely they don't want the wastrel dug up again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FRATERNISING AT THE FRONT.
+
+_Nervous Tommy_ (_on outpost duty for the first time_). "'OO GOES
+THERE?"
+
+_Bosch Scout_. "FRIEND."
+
+_Tommy_. "ADVANCE AN' BE RECONCILED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEW USE FOR LATIN.
+
+BY OUR CLASSICAL EXPERT.
+
+"Greek is in the last ditch," writes Sir HENRY NEWBOLT in his _New
+Study of English Poetry_; "Latin is trembling at sight of the thin
+edge of the wedge." Still a hope of saving Latin--within limits--yet
+remains, if the appeal of "Kismet" in _The Spectator_ meets with a
+sympathetic response. He asks the readers of that journal "to render
+into Latin in two or three words the old cricket adjuration, 'Play the
+game.'" He has already had some suggestions, including "_Lude ludum_,"
+from "an eminent scholar," but, like the late Mr. TOOLE in one of his
+most famous songs, still he is not happy.
+
+In rendering colloquial phrases into the lapidary style of ancient
+Rome, I confess it is often hard to improve on the brevity of the
+vernacular, though the admonition "to keep your end up" can be
+condensed from four words to two in "_sursum cauda_." Again the
+familiar eulogy, "Stout fellow," can be rendered in a single word
+by the Virgilian epithet "_bellipotens_." A distinguished Latinist
+recalls in this context the sentiment of the writer, Pomponius
+Caninus:--
+
+  _Rebus in adversis comitem sors prospera pinguem_
+  _Det mihi._
+
+And to the same authority I am indebted for the following version of
+"Don't speak to the man at the wheel:"--
+
+  _O silete, circumstantes_
+  _Nautas rotam operantes._
+
+Though Latin is tottering at our schools it occasionally pops up in
+unexpected places. For example, not very long ago I heard a popular
+comedian introduce his family motto and translate it for the benefit
+of a music-hall audience. Latin quotations, even from HORACE, have
+gone out of fashion in the Houses of Parliament. Perhaps they will
+revive on the stage. The unfair preference for Greek shown by doctors
+in the nomenclature of disease is perhaps to be explained by the
+value of unintelligibility. Did not DAN O'CONNELL, in his famous
+vituperative contest with a Dublin washer-woman, triumph in the
+long-run by calling her an unprincipled parallelopiped?
+
+Meanwhile I appeal to the Editor of _The Westminster Gazette_, who,
+in his Saturday edition, has done so much to maintain the practice
+of classical composition, to offer a prize in one of his periodical
+competitions for the best Latin version, of "to buck up," "to stick
+it out," "a bit thick," "talking through one's hat," "I don't think,"
+"blighter," "rotter," and "not 'arf."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ECCLESIASTICAL INTELLIGENCE.
+
+    "Mr. Zangwill (the Chief Rabbi) also spoke."--_Daily News_.
+
+Following the appointment (recently announced by Mr. Punch) of Mr.
+H.G. WELLS as Chaplain to the Forces.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a cattle-auction advertisement:--
+
+    "NOTE.--Pigs and Calves are requested to be forward by 11
+    o'clock."--_Kirkendbrightshire Advertiser_.
+
+_Vive la politesse!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The hereditary privilege of remaining covered in the presence
+    of the Monarch was granted by Henry VIII. to John Forester of
+    Watling Street, in 1570."--_Observer_.
+
+We wonder what GOOD QUEEN BESS thought about this posthumous
+interference on the part of her papa.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL'S latest novel:--
+
+    "It was, indeed, something of an achievement to get on terms of
+    confidence with those alien children ... many of whom had acquired
+    a precocious suspicion of Greeks bearing gifts. That sense of
+    _caveat donor_ was perhaps their most pathetic characteristic."
+
+Timeo Danaos et dona accipientes! Which may be roughly rendered: "I
+suspect TINO, even when he's in receipt of a subsidy."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WELL. IT'S TIME WE WERE OFF. BUT--PARDON ME, MRS.
+GOLDBERG--DO YOU THINK YOU OUGHT TO WEAR SO MANY PEARLS AT AN ECONOMY
+MEETING?"
+
+"ALL RIGHT. I WON'T IF YOU THINK NOT. BUT AS A MATTER OF FACT THEY
+_ARE_ AN ECONOMY. YOU SEE, MY HUSBAND IS PUTTIN' HIS MONEY IN PEARLS
+TO SAVE INCOME-TAX."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LAVENDER.
+
+  I'm tickled by a pansy, wot's called an 'Appy Thought;
+  I'm gone on yaller "Glories" of the proper smelly sort;
+  And once I 'eld gerani-ums was grander than the rest,
+  But now I likes the lavender, the simple-lookin' lavender,
+      A little bit o' lavender the best.
+
+  My mate 'e'd been a gardener; 'is roses wasn't beat;
+  'Is marrers was a marvel and 'is strorberries a treat;
+  But w'en 'e leave 'is corliflow'rs an' lettuce to enlist,
+  'E said it was the lavender, 'is blinkin' bit o' lavender,
+      A silly patch o' lavender 'e missed.
+
+  In France I used to foller 'im to gather up the bits;
+  'E "'adn't 'eard" o' snipers and 'e "wasn't 'eedin'" Fritz;
+  Till in a slip o' garden by the Convent 'e was copped,
+  And dahn among the lavender, the trodden sodden lavender,
+      The bloody muddy lavender 'e dropped.
+
+  A job it was to fix 'im up and do a double bunk,
+  But 'e was chattin' casual while I was oozin' funk;
+  'E yarned abaht the bits o' things 'e used to see at Kew,
+  An' told me of the lavender, the tidy lot of lavender,
+      The leagues an' leagues o' lavender 'e grew.
+
+  They book 'im through to Blighty and 'e drop a line from 'ome,
+  Comparin' clay in Flanders with the proper British loam;
+  "An' w'en you gets yer seven days, you come along an' see
+  The roses an' the lavender, the lavender, the lavender ...
+      You oughter see the lavender!" says 'e.
+
+  My mate 'e 'ad a sister, w'ich I didn't even guess
+  Till I was at the wicker-gate an' see 'er cotton dress;
+  'Er face was sweet as summer-time an' pretty as a tune;
+  'Er eyes was like the lavender, the blue bewitchin' lavender,
+      As lovely as the lavender in June.
+
+  She bid me welcome kindly, an' as quiet as you please,
+  An' fust we talk o' battlefields an' then we talk o' bees;
+  But, though the 'olly'ocks was aht an' all the roses red,
+  I only see the lavender, the patch o' purple lavender;
+      "I'm pleased you likes the lavender," she said.
+
+  I'm tickled by a pansy, wot's called an 'Appy Thought;
+  I'm gone on yaller "Glories" of the proper smelly sort;
+  An' once I 'eld gerani-ums was gayer than the rest,
+  But now I likes the lavender, a little sprig o' lavender,
+      I likes a bit o' lavender the best.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN INFANT PRODIGY.
+
+    "Sir Frederick Smith, the Attorney-General, is 5, but does not
+    look it for he keeps a full thatch and a fresh complexion, and
+    has features so softly contoured that as a baby he must have
+    been the pride of the family."--_Yorkshire Evening Post_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ASIA IN EUROPE.
+
+    "Serbia has been crushed, and, with the exception of Salonika
+    and the regions temporarily held by the British in Palestine
+    and Mesopotamia, Germany holds command of Middle Europe.
+
+    "That becomes quite obvious when one looks at the map."
+
+    _Mr. ROBERT BLATCHFORD in "The Sunday Chronicle."_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BETRAYED.
+
+THE PANDER. "COME ON; COME AND BE KISSED BY HIM."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, December 3rd._--No further publicity is to be given to Lord
+LANSDOWNE'S letter if the Government can help it. But the author is
+not to be prosecuted and the rumour that Lansdowne House has been
+raided by the police and its noble owner's type writer confiscated
+lacks confirmation.
+
+[Illustration: A STORY LACKING CONFIRMATION.]
+
+A long and complicated answer by Mr. CLYNES, describing and defending
+the new sugar-cards, was not altogether satisfying. Sir F. BANBURY'S
+inquiry, "Does the hon. gentleman think that anybody will get any
+sugar after this?" was prompted, no doubt, by anxiety for the future
+of his famous cakes; but it expressed the general doubt.
+
+Lord ROBERT CECIL, who has hitherto stoutly denied that the Allies
+have given ex-KING CONSTANTINE a retiring allowance, admitted that
+the Greek Government might make him some payment, and that the Allies
+furnished Greece with money. In other words, Greece has given TINO a
+penny to play in the next street, and the Allies have lent her the
+penny.
+
+Asked by Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT whether the labour expended on fitting
+gas-bags to motor cars could not be more usefully employed, the
+MINISTER OF NATIONAL SERVICE replied as follows: "The questions
+involved in the use of gas-bags, _including that raised by the hon.
+Member_, are being considered." And Mr. LAMBERT is now wondering
+whether Sir AUCKLAND GEDDES intended to be personal.
+
+_Tuesday, December 4th._--In answer to a question as to what steps the
+Board of Agriculture was taking to replant districts denuded of trees,
+Sir RICHARD WINFREY replied that "surplus nursery stock" would be
+transplanted by "gangs of women." Evidently surprised by the laughter
+which followed, he whispered to his neighbour, "Have I said anything
+very funny?"
+
+At the end of a long catechism by Mr. KING regarding the literature
+issued by the War Aims Committee, Mr. OUTHWAITE inquired if it could
+be sent to Members of the House. Major GUEST was quite ready to
+oblige. In his opinion some Members, including Mr. OUTHWAITE himself,
+would be much the better for its perusal.
+
+Mr. PRATT is about the last Minister whom I should have suspected of
+cynicism, but I have my doubts about him now. By his admission the
+British Pharmacopoeia (war edition) contains "Glycerins devoid of
+glycerin and syrups free from sugar." "But," he added, "it does not
+materially lessen their value as medicines."
+
+Upon the House being asked to recommit the Representation of the
+People's Bill in respect of the provisions dealing with conscientious
+objectors and redistribution in Ireland, Mr. REDMOND, naturally
+anxious lest the House should imagine that Ireland's objection to
+military service was conscientious, requested the SPEAKER to divide
+the debate into water-tight compartments. No artificial restraints,
+however, could keep Mr. HEALY within bounds. He ranged at large over
+Irish history, and declared that the decision to impose on Ireland a
+(more or less) equitable system of representation was an outrage only
+to be compared with the breach of the Treaty of Limerick.
+
+As a humourist on this occasion Mr. HEALY had to yield the palm to
+a colleague. The CHIEF SECRETARY incidentally referred to the
+arrangement that no contentious business should be taken during the
+War. "Except by agreement," interjected Mr. NUGENT.
+
+[Illustration: SUGARLESS BANBURY CAKES.]
+
+_Wednesday, December 5th._--Not long ago Lord ROBERT CECIL referred to
+a rumour that the German Government intended to encourage polygamy.
+Mr. KING, shocked to discover that this charge rested upon a statement
+in a neutral newspaper, protested against the practice of making
+speeches "on such miserable foundations." As the bulk of the hon.
+Member's own utterances have a similar basis the retort was almost too
+obvious; and Mr. BALFOUR in making it must have felt as if he had shot
+his bird sitting.
+
+The courage of the hero who took up the challenge: "Whoever shall
+these boots displace, must meet Bombastes face to face," was
+comparatively nothing to that of Mr. H.W. FORSTER, who in the
+interests of economy has promised to limit the height of women's
+boots. There will be much stamping of lofty heels at this ukase. Sir
+JOHN REES thought another order lengthening skirts was the logical
+corollary, and so it is if the Government really want "to make both
+ends meet." But Mr. FORSTER showed no disposition to embark upon
+petticoat government.
+
+Irish Nationalists worked themselves into seven different kinds
+of fury over the decision of the Government to apply the rules of
+arithmetic to the redistribution of seats in their beloved country.
+Mr. DILLON threatened the House with the possibility that at the
+next General Election he and his colleagues might be wiped out of
+existence. Scared by this awful prospect so many Liberals voted
+against the closure that the Government only escaped defeat by 29.
+
+_Thursday, December 6th._--The prospect of an all-night sitting
+rendered the House unusually irritable. Mr. HEALY fulminated at Sir
+E. CARSON (who was not present) in language that reminded Colonel
+SHARMAN-CRAWFORD of "a low police-court." Mr. DILLON'S high top note
+was ceaselessly employed in emitting adjectives more remarkable,
+as Mr. BONAR LAW icily observed, for their strength than for their
+novelty. At one time it looked as if there was to be a first-class
+Irish row. But wiser counsels ultimately prevailed. The House as a
+whole was in no mood for protracted discussion in which non-Irish
+moonlighters might participate.
+
+At last there is hope that the instructions of the FOOD-CONTROLLER
+will have some practical result. To-day in reply to a question Mr.
+CLYNES said, "The order about to be issued will contain provisions
+..." Ah! if it only will.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EVIDENCE.
+
+_Officer_. "NOW, SERGEANT-MAJOR, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THIS MAN WAS
+DRUNK?"
+
+_Sergeant-Major_. "SIR, ON THE NIGHT OF THE 25TH, WHEN I MET THE
+ACCUSED, 'E RAISED 'IS 'AT, ACCOMPANYING THE MOTION WITH THE WORDS,
+'GOOD EVENIN', BLUE BEARD!'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LOST LEADER.
+
+The Hillsbury Company of the 2nd Battalion of the Lastshire Volunteers
+were being inspected for efficiency by a Captain of the Grenadier
+Guards, who had graciously come down and devoted his Sunday afternoon
+to this purpose. Forty "A" men had obeyed their country's call and
+turned up on parade, and among the officers was Alfred Herbert,
+who was a second-lieutenant of the mature age of fifty. He was
+enthusiastic, but a slow learner, always confusing himself and his
+men. Still, he was obviously doing his best, and the men forgave him
+and did _their_ best to cover up his faults.
+
+"Mr. Herbert," said the inspecting officer sharply, "be good enough to
+take the company out and move them about for a few minutes."
+
+Herbert's heart began to beat at the double. He had known that this
+ordeal might come, but he had hoped against hope that, if he made
+himself small and meek, he would be overlooked. All was in vain; his
+time had come. "Drill them as a company of two platoons," said the
+stern Guardsman.
+
+"Yes, Sir," said Herbert. "Shall I--"
+
+"Take them out at once, Sir. We have no time to waste."
+
+It was at this moment that Herbert's first dream, or I should rather
+say the first phase of his treble dream, began. He dreamt that he
+called the company to attention, caused them to slope arms, and moved
+them to the right in fours.
+
+So far so good.
+
+Now they were in columns of fours and marching gaily.
+
+"This is a good dream," thought Herbert. "I will get them into line.
+On the right, form company!" he shouted at the top of his voice.
+
+He had done it. He had got the rear rank in front, and this is
+a terrible state of affairs, leading to the most frightful
+complications--at any rate in the Lastshire Volunteers.
+
+"Move to the right in fours!" he commanded; and then the trouble
+began.
+
+In less than half a minute, forty deserving men, including N.C.O.'s,
+were tied up into a series of terrifically complicated knots, in the
+midst of which the Company Sergeant-Major bobbed about, an angry cork
+on a stormy ocean of desperate men.
+
+"Very good, Mr. Herbert, oh, very good indeed," said the Inspecting
+Officer.
+
+At this point Herbert passed into his second phase and dreamed that
+it was all a dream.
+
+But the question remained: what was he to do?
+
+"Double!" he shouted, and himself gave the example. And as he ran he
+passed into his third phase and dreamed it was all true; and he woke
+up with a start at the orderly room, and found that it _was_ true.
+
+That very evening he resigned his commission, "owing," as he wrote,
+"to an incurable habit of getting the rear rank in front."
+
+What happened to the men I cannot say with certainty. I think they are
+still struggling.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Physical Exercise Instructor_. "'ERE, YOU! WHAT THE
+DEUCE ARE YOU LARFING AT?"
+
+_Recruit_. "OH, SERGEANT, I--I WAS THINKING WHAT PRICELESS BALLY ASSES
+WE MUST LOOK!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEDITATIONS OF MARCUS O'REILLY.
+
+ON THE DANGER OF POPULARITY.
+
+_The Ballybun Binnacle_ has ceased publication--I hope temporarily,
+for I have had to fall back on _The Times_. The latter is the better
+paper for wrapping things in, and they seem to use a good kind of ink
+which does not come off on the butter, but it's a bit weak on its
+advertising side. It was O'Mullins across the road who pointed this
+out to me first. He had, he says, an advertisement a whole week in
+_The Times_ for a total abstainer to make himself otherwise useful and
+to mend his stable door; but no apparent notice was taken of it. The
+same advertisement had not been a couple of hours in _The Binnacle_
+before three tinkers tried to steal his horse.
+
+I have heard people speak well of the editorials in our chief London
+rival, but they are not thought much of in Ballybun; they haven't the
+flavour. Our paper used to be strongly political, but the increase in
+the number of subscribers did not pay for the libel actions, and so of
+late we have been cultivating an open mind and advertisements. It is
+true that even so it was impossible for Casey, our editor, to steer
+wholly clear of vexed political questions, but his latest manner was
+admirably statesmanlike. He would summarise the opposing views of our
+eight or nine parties and then state boldly that he agreed with most
+of them, and as for the rest he would not shrink to declare, in the
+face of the world if necessary, that they were full of an intellectual
+Zeitgeist, unfortunately only too sporadic. He would then sum up by
+drawing attention to the bargain sale of white goods at the Ballybun
+Emporium. Everybody liked this, and the Ballybun Bon Marché would send
+in its advertisement for our next week's issue.
+
+_The Binnacle_ has ceased publication, of course, before. When the
+editor took his summer holiday or went to a friend's wedding in the
+country he would often leave the bringing of it out to his staff. The
+latter used normally to edit the sporting and fashionable columns and
+was called Flannagan, but had only one eye and was somewhat eccentric.
+Flannagan couldn't be bothered sometimes and sometimes he would go
+fishing. Still, although the paper would not come out just when we
+expected, Flannagan might relent and bring it out two or three days
+later, and at all events he always told us the news whenever he met us
+in the street.
+
+Thus we could not strictly say that we had no local newspaper. But
+now, I fear, the case is altered, and _The Binnacle_ has been killed
+solely by its own popularity.
+
+It doesn't do for an editor to be too popular. People used to drop in
+on Casey at all hours of the day and lend a hand and smoke his tobacco
+and try to borrow money. His sanctum became the fashionable lounge
+of the Ballybun _élite_. A great gap was caused in the front of the
+paper amongst the best paying advertisements by Kelly's trying to
+clean his pipe with part of the linotype machine. Casey noticed
+this, and further attributed the matter to the Censor, whom he
+attacked vigorously in a leading article for trying to throttle the
+safety-valve of trade by inoculating the thin end of the wedge; he
+will do this again, he added, at his own peril. He also told Kelly the
+same.
+
+As our respected Member of Parliament is hanging tenaciously on to
+life, and we could not very well invite him to create a vacancy, we
+were at a loss how to mark our esteem for our popular editor in a
+practical manner. Casey himself suggested a testimonial. His friends,
+however, said that nothing sordid should ever enter into the feelings
+with which they regarded him, and decided finally on electing him to
+the second highest office a layman in our part can hope to hold. He
+was elected Judge--"unanimously," as he put it, "by 29 to 3"--and the
+race meeting came off last week. We hate to hold it in war-time, but
+the breed of horses and bookies must be kept up. Even the bed-ridden
+took a day off and trooped to it.
+
+Picture the feelings of the crowd when Casey merged the judge into
+the editor and kept declaring race after race a dead heat. They rose
+at him as one man and clamoured for souvenirs. What was left of Casey
+shook the dust of Ballybun off his feet, while our impulsive patriots
+were smashing his office furniture.
+
+This only proves what I have often maintained, that popularity always
+makes a man unpopular in the long run. Meanwhile _The Ballybun
+Binnacle_ has ceased to appear, but I see from _The Times_ there has
+been a movement in Berlin in favour of letting bygones be bygones.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOOKS AND BOOKS.
+
+    ["The last books of the Winter season are creeping out, and
+    some are important and some are not."--_Daily Chronicle_.]
+
+  The last books of Winter,
+    Some slim and some stout,
+  From the hands of the printer
+    Are now "creeping out";
+  And it's helpful to learn from
+    A man on the spot
+  That some are important
+    And others are not.
+
+  And yet the conviction
+    Expressed in this guise
+  In the matter of fiction
+    I'd like to revise;
+  For of the romances
+    Unceasingly shot
+  From the press, most are piffle
+    And very few not.
+
+  From minstrelsy's _mêlée_,
+    Its foam and its surge,
+  A Keats or a Shelley
+    May haply emerge;
+  Or there may be a Tupper
+    To leaven the lot--
+  Some bards are immortal
+    And others are not.
+
+  We're certain to meet with--
+    The stock never fails--
+  Some Memoirs replete with
+    Fatiguing details;
+  But the chance isn't great of
+    A Lockhart and Scott,
+  Or a Boswell and Johnson--
+    No, certainly not.
+
+  Some prophet whose coming
+    Is yet undivined
+  May set the world humming
+    And stagger mankind;
+  It may be a Darwin
+    Some publisher's got
+  Up his sleeve, or it may be
+    Some one who is not.
+
+  There may be some clinkers
+    Now "creeping" to light,
+  Tremendous deep thinkers
+    Or high in their flight;
+  There may be diffusers
+    Of air that is hot;
+  There may be a Bergson,
+    Again there may not.
+
+  Though the publishing season
+    Is now on the wane,
+  This isn't a reason
+    Why we should complain;
+  For the view of the expert--
+    His "i's" when we dot--
+  Is that some books are useful,
+    But most of them rot.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Hostess_ (_playfully_). "WHAT--HAVEN'T YOU FINISHED
+YET?"
+
+_Sandy_ (_regarding cake, from which he has been told to help
+himself_). "AH, BUT YE KEN, A CAKE O' THIS SIZE ISNA SAE SOON EATEN AS
+YE MAY THENK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the report of a speech by the Chief Justice of New Zealand:--
+
+    "His Excellency the Governor may make any conditions he pleases.
+    In fact it is a case of 'Hoc volo sic jubes; sit pro ratione
+    valunters.' I do not think the word can be read in that wide
+    sense."--_New Zealand Times_.
+
+Nor do we.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY.
+
+    "INDIAN DEFENCE FORCE ORDERS. CALCUTTA SOTTISH."--_The Empire_
+    (_Calcutta_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Defendant was fined 20s. for the abusive language which, said
+    the Chairman, was the worst the Magistrates had ever
+    seen."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+Or even tasted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Antiques are the 'best sellers' at all bazaars, and one meets
+    hunters of them all over the country. I hear of Mrs. ---- engaged
+    on the chase at Bath for her charity scheme. The Duchess of ----
+    was there, too, taking the waters."--_Daily Mirror_.
+
+Some of our collectors will stop at nothing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ART TO THE RESCUE.
+
+No means to get people to invest in War Bonds can be seriously
+objected to; but I must confess that when, on a railway station
+hoarding, I caught sight of a poster representing WHISTLER'S famous
+portrait of his mother, with the words, "Old Age is Coming," printed
+across it, beneath an appeal to the public to be prudent about the
+future by buying Government stock now, I experienced a jolt. Because
+this picture has always been one of the sacred things, and to see it
+again was a necessary part of any visit to Paris. As to the shock
+which the sight would have caused the painter, were he alive to-day,
+the pen prefers to say little. Even with three patriotic motives to
+control him--for he was American by birth, French by sympathy, and
+English by residence--WHISTLER must have delivered his mind. That he
+would consider this anything but a gentle art of breaking enemies, is
+certain; nor can I see him holding his peace about it.
+
+[Illustration: "These good dogs would prefer WAR BONDS to a bone."]
+
+Personally, however, I got over my own sense of the outrage very
+quickly. For the new War Bonds must succeed, and the end justifies the
+means, however desperate--that is how I looked at it, and therefore,
+instead of maintaining an attitude of preciosity, I began to wonder
+how I could assist the authorities (who had dared to bend the
+Butterfly to their purpose) to further useful acts of vandalism.
+Nothing should, I determined, stand in my way. Where they were merely
+"hairy," I would be absolutely bald-headed. Hence, if there is
+anything in the suggestions that follow which may set the teeth of
+the reverent on edge, it must be attributed to honest zeal. All that
+I want is for the Kennedy-Jones of the movement to lift Art from her
+pedestal for a few days only--in the interests of the Allies and to
+the lasting detriment of Germany--and then replace her. But there is
+no need to trouble about the replacing. That will be automatic.
+
+Beginning with the postulate that War's sinews must be forthcoming, or
+HAIG and BYNG will batter at the Hun to insufficient purpose, we can
+do anything. Let then, I say, all the artists be conscripted, whether
+old masters or young. The façade of the National Gallery is to-day one
+vast hoarding advertising the progress of the Loan; let us go inside
+and levy upon its treasures too. A few pictorial suggestions will be
+found on this page; others will occur to its habitués, and doubtless
+the Trustees (although Lord LANSDOWNE is one) will be only too glad
+to fall in with the project.
+
+[Illustration: "She's happy. She's bought WAR BONDS."]
+
+BURNE-JONES'S "Cophetua and the Beggar Maid" hangs, for instance, in
+the National Gallery--temporarily borrowed from the Tate--at this
+moment. It would make a good piece of propaganda. "Why is the maid a
+beggar?" "Because her parents had not provided against the future by
+provident and patriotic speculation." Close by hangs, also on loan
+from the Tate, CECIL LAWSON'S "Harvest Moon." "Why on this most
+favourable of nights is there no raid?" "Because the success of the
+War Bonds brought about Germany's surrender." After the authorities'
+most admirable and desirable way with WHISTLER'S mother, you can do
+anything and should do anything. That is my point.
+
+[Illustration: "Cut your cloth to leave a BIG margin for WAR BONDS."]
+
+And not only the National Gallery, but the galleries of France and
+Italy, and even Germany herself. Perhaps Germany first of all, for
+there would be a piquancy in thus employing the cherished possessions
+of the foe. Could not something be done, for example, with the famous
+wax bust, the glory of the Kaiser Friedrich Collection, into which
+LEONARDO DA VINCI, as a finishing touch, crammed an early Victorian
+waistcoat before delivering the masterpiece to its owner? A really
+ingenious organiser should be able to make telling use of that,
+perhaps with a play on the word "investment." But meanwhile LEONARDO
+would, I am sure, be only too willing to suppress his sensitive
+feelings and assist his fellow-countrymen in their stand on the Piave
+by contributing "Monna Lisa." Some such words as these would serve:
+"Why is she smiling that satisfied smile?" "Because she has bought a
+nice little packet of War Bonds and thus insured a comfortable old
+age." At the same time TITIAN could help to save his Venice by lending
+the "Venus" from the Uffizi. "Why is this lady so naked?" "Because she
+neglected to invest in War Bonds, and thus had nothing with which
+to buy clothes later on." Or, if a French or English picture were
+preferred, INGRES' "La Source," from the Louvre, or LEIGHTON'S "Bath
+of Psyche" from the National Gallery, could be used with the same
+touching legend. But I feel that TITIAN should have the first chance.
+And there are living painters too who would come in. Our own old
+master--AUGUSTUS JOHN (who is now, I am told, a major)--would, no
+doubt, be delighted to lend the hoardings one of the pictures from
+his exhibition now in progress. The portrait of Mr. G.B. SHAW, for
+example, in which the eyes of the great seer are closed. "Why is
+this old gentleman not looking at you?" "Because he is afraid you
+may not have bought any War Bonds and he can't bear to see anything
+unpatriotic."
+
+But enough has been said. The National War Bonds must be sold, and Art
+must help, and no one must wince.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mother_ (_in course of an arithmetic lesson_). "WHAT
+IS HALF FOUR?"
+
+_Daughter_. "TWO."
+
+_Mother_. "AND CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT IS HALF FIVE?"
+
+_Daughter_. "WELL, MUMMIE, IT DEPENDS WHICH HALF YOU MEAN--THE TWO OR
+THE THREE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._)
+
+Many years ago, when I was younger and more optimistic than to-day, I
+thought out what struck me as an adventure-story of wonderful promise,
+and confided the plot to a friend, reputed expert in such matters. He
+heard me with indulgent attention and, when I had finished, "Capital,"
+says he; "but do you propose to differentiate it in _any_ way from
+_Dead Man's Rock?_" I am reminded of this ancient wound by the
+appearance of a new buccaneering book by Sir ARTHUR QUILLER-COUCH;
+and that not only on account of the name of the author, but because
+when a tale of this kind begins in Bristol Docks, with a company
+that includes an apprentice-hero, a one-eyed sailor and a parrot of
+piratical past, it is impossible not to recall _Treasure Island_.
+However this may be, _Mortallone_ soon attains a development quite
+sufficiently original, with an island and a secret and a noble store
+of buried treasure, all in doubloons and pieces of eight, which is
+exactly how I prefer it. In short a capital yarn, which did but
+confirm me in an old resolve that, were I ever thinking of commencing
+pirate or starting any unlawful business of the seas, I should avoid
+apprentices like the plague. The second part of _Mortallone and Aunt
+Trinidad_ (ARROWSMITH) I found rather less satisfactory. Here a number
+of tales of the Spanish Main are supposed to be told by a trio of
+withered beldames whose youthful prime was spent as pirate queens. A
+striking and novel approach; though my belief in it was hindered by
+the discovery that these untutored crones not only spoke but wrote an
+admirable, if slightly mannered, prose, akin to that of STEVENSON or,
+say, Sir ARTHUR himself. But these be the carpings of age; I am sure
+that no boy lucky enough to find _Mortallone_ among his Christmas
+presents will leave a paragraph undevoured.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Dr. H. STUERMER is one of that small band of Germans who have had the
+courage to denounce the policy and acts of their Government. When
+the War began he joined the German army, fought in the Masurian
+operations, was invalided out of the army at the beginning of 1915,
+and thereupon became correspondent in Constantinople of the _Kölnische
+Zeitung_, in which capacity he acted until the end of 1916, when his
+too great truthfulness proved distasteful to his employers and he had
+to give up his place. Now he resides in Switzerland and "makes use,"
+he says, "of the opportunity ... to range himself boldly on the side
+of truth, and show that there are still Germans who find it impossible
+to condone, even tacitly, the moral transgression and political
+stupidity of their own and an allied Government." This is a big
+undertaking, but Dr. STUERMER attacks it manfully in his book, _Two
+War Years in Constantinople_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON). He gives a
+harrowing description of the sufferings of the Armenians, and leaves
+no doubt that he considers Germany responsible for the massacre of
+a nation. I advise those who desire first-hand knowledge of the
+political schemes and ambitions of the Germans and their Young Turkish
+friends to consult this book. It is a mine of information.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL always packs his novels with sober stuff and
+redeems them from any trace of dulness by the skill with which he
+handles his theme, and by his conscientious study not only of his
+characters but of the details of his background. That background in
+_The Dwelling-Place of Light_ (MACMILLAN) is an American cottonmill
+district with a mixed alien population of operatives, and trouble
+brewing as the result of a headstrong wage-cutting manager, _Claude
+Ditmar_, in conflict with the I.W.W. The phases of this grim struggle
+are most forcibly described, the author holding no brief for either
+protagonist. And, if widower _Ditmar_, man of iron, for whom the
+Chippering Mill is his second and abiding mate, be no hero, _Janet_,
+his typist, has the makings of a notable heroine. How this girl,
+full of character and of passion bravely restrained, breaks down the
+business preoccupation of her chief and how her courage and steadfast
+honour convince him that the liaison he promised himself will not
+suffice for honour or purified desire--all this is finely told. It
+was, however, but a faltering and slowly-growing conviction, and death
+claims him before he can make amends for the wrong into which his
+masterful pleading has betrayed her. I never quite precisely gathered
+what was "the dwelling-place of light." Anyway it wasn't the
+Chippering Mill ... But I was sorry when I reached the four hundred
+and ninth and last of the closely-set pages. Good measure for a book
+in war-time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Throughout a vagabond career that began in happiness on a farm and
+finished, thankfully, amongst the fields, _Frank Rainger_ followed
+always the pathway of the broader experience. Followed it so stoutly
+and was such good company on the long road that whether it was high
+holiday at Cranbrook Circus with _Maggie Coalbran_, or a fight for
+the hopeless cause of the Southern States in shell-torn Vicksburg, or
+only the keeping of eternal lazy summer with the peons of Yucatan, I
+was altogether content to go humbly forward with him, convinced that,
+as it was written, so and no otherwise should it be. Even when he
+deservedly failed to become a shining light in the literary firmament
+to which he aspired--an unheard-of piece of audacity on the part
+of his authoress--I did not rebel. Miss SHEILA KAYE SMITH has an
+essential clarity of visualisation, a deep and still reserve of
+unforced pathos and an exquisite sense of the haunting word, that
+combine with a most competent alertness of movement to make her latest
+artistic success, _The Challenge to Sirius_ (NISBET), a book for which
+I can hardly find adequate words of praise. Most admirable of all,
+perhaps, is a strange faculty she has shown for making one satisfied
+that her people should remain perennially rather poor and unambitious
+and dull, and should even grow old without occasioning us regret.
+With the deep under-drift of the writer's philosophy one may not be
+completely in accord, but certainly it will worry nobody, while the
+unity and beauty of her methods hold one in willing bondage from
+beginning to end. This is real literature, and everyone should
+read it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Without any very exceptional gifts as a story-teller Fleet-Surgeon
+T.T. JEANS, R.N., scores heavily off most writers of boys' adventure
+tales by having actually lived the life he describes. Here, for
+instance, in _A Naval Venture_ (BLACKIE) we do get the real thing,
+and boys would be well-advised to sample it and see if it is not
+preferable to the kind of adventurous fiction produced so prolifically
+for their amusement. Not that this yarn is lacking in adventure;
+indeed it is concerned with the Gallipoli campaign, from the landings
+until the evacuation, and anything more adventurous it would be hard
+to imagine. In reading this story of _The Orphan, The Lamp-post,
+Bubbles, The Hun, Rawlins and The Pink Rat_, one feels that the author
+actually knows these "snotties," with their high courage, animal
+spirits and elementary humour. It is in fact history spiced with
+fiction. Of all the characters my vote goes to _Kaiser Bill_, for
+although, being a tortoise, he performed no deeds of actual gallantry,
+he carried good luck with him wherever he went. Besides, his name
+might annoy the ALL-HIGHEST. Mr. JEANS made an extremely good shot
+when he drew his bow at _A Naval Venture_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+You would hardly believe what a remarkably unprincipled set of persons
+make up the cast of Mr. WILLIAM CAINE'S newest story. He calls them
+_Drones_ (METHUEN), but that, I feel, is a charitable understatement.
+There was _Eric Wanstanley_, rising young sculptor, who, because he
+didn't rise quickly enough, was capable of borrowing the savings of
+his friend's parlourmaid to work a system at roulette. The friend,
+_Austin Jenner_, was also an artist and also rising. His little
+failing was concealment of the fact that he was almost wholly
+supported by remittances furnished by his hard-working brother.
+Incidentally he was engaged to _Eric's_ sister, but abandoned her
+without a qualm for the beringed hand of one _Mrs. Meldrum_, a rich
+widow, known as The B.Q. (Biscuit Queen). Need I say that _Mrs.
+Meldrum_, moving in these circles, and with ambitions as an art
+patroness, lived in Cheyne Walk? Indeed the setting of the whole
+comedy is inevitably Chelsea. Having regard to the number of bad hats
+among the _dramatis personæ_, you will probably not be astonished to
+be told that their goings-on are excellently entertaining; though
+I cannot but think that to give both his leading lady and his
+_soubrette_, or Singing Chambermaid, the handicap of morally deficient
+young brothers, does look like laziness on the part of Mr. CAINE.
+Surely there exist other avenues to calamity. But it's an amusing
+rogues' comedy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNPUBLISHED INCIDENTS IN ANCIENT HISTORY. PANOPEUS
+EXPLAINS HIS MODEL AT THE WAR OFFICE, ATHENS, DURING THE TROJAN WAR.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR THE SAVING OF CHILD-LIFE.
+
+Mr. G.K. CHESTERTON will lecture on "How Dickens' tales came true," on
+Friday, December 14th, at 3 o'clock, at 20, Arlington Street (kindly
+lent by the Marchioness of Salisbury), in aid of the Kentish Town Day
+Nursery. Tickets, £1 1s. 0d., 10s. 6d., 7s. 6d., may be obtained from
+Countess GREY, of Chester Street, N.W.1.
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11444 ***