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diff --git a/11443-0.txt b/11443-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8c2ba35 --- /dev/null +++ b/11443-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1580 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11443 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11443-h.htm or 11443-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/4/11443/11443-h/11443-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/4/11443/11443-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 153 + +NOVEMBER 28, 1917 + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +"How the Germans never got wind of it," writes a correspondent of the +British attack on the HINDENBURG line, "is a mystery." The failure of +certain M.P.'s to ask questions about it in Parliament beforehand may +have had something to do with it. + + *** + +An order has been promulgated fixing the composition of horse chaff. The +approach of the pantomime season is thought to be responsible for it. + + *** + +"We are particularly anxious," writes the Ministry of Food, "that +Christmas plum-puddings should not be kept for any length of time." A +Young Patriots' League has been formed, we understand, whose members are +bent on carrying out Lord RHONDDA'S wishes at any cost to their parents. + + *** + +Another birthplace of ST. GEORGE has been captured in Palestine. It is +now definitely established that the sainted warrior's habit of trying to +carry-on in two places at the same time was the subject of much adverse +criticism by the military experts of the period. + + *** + +A Camberley man charged with deserting the Navy and joining the Army +explained that he was tired of waiting for TIRPITZ to come out. We +are informed that Commander CARLYON BELLAIRS, M.P., and Admiral W.H. +HENDERSON have been asked to enlighten the poor fellow as to the true +state of affairs. + + *** + +A skull of the Bronze Age has been found on Salisbury Plain. Several +hats of the brass age have also been seen in the vicinity. + + *** + +Imports of ostrich feathers have fallen from £33,000 in 1915 to £182 +in 1917. Ostrich farmers, it appears, are on the verge of ruin as +the result of their inability to obtain scissors and other suitable +foodstuffs for the birds. + + *** + +"Measures are being taken to check pacifists," says Sir GEORGE CAVE. +Prison-yard measures, we hope. + + *** + +A Stoke Newington constable has discovered a happy method of taking +people's minds off their food troubles. During the last month he has +served fifty of them with dog-summonses. + + *** + +Five hundred pounds have been sent to the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER +by an anonymous donor. It is thought that the man is concealing his +identity to avoid being made a baronet. + + *** + +"What is the use of corporations if they can do nothing useful?" asks +Councillor STOCK, of Margate. It is an alluring topic, but a patriotic +Press has decided that it must be postponed in favour of the War. + + *** + +During trench-digging on Salisbury Plain the skeleton of a young man, +apparently buried about the year 600 B.C., was unearthed. The skull was +partially fractured, evidently by a battle-axe. Foul play is suspected. + + *** + +Sugar was sold for half-a-guinea a pound at a charity sale in the +South of England, and local grocers are complaining bitterly of unfair +competition. + + *** + +A contemporary points out that there is a soldier in the North +Staffordshire Regiment whose name is DOUGLAS HAIG. Riots are reported in +Germany. + + *** + +"Can Fish Smell?" asks a weekly paper headline. We can only say that in +our experience they sometimes do, especially on a Monday. + + *** + +An employer pleading for an applicant before the Egham Tribunal stated +that he had an oil-engine which nobody else would go near. We cannot +help thinking that much might be done with a little tact, such as going +up to the engine quietly and stroking its face, or even making a noise +like a piece of oily waste. + + *** + +Germany's new Hymn of Hate has been published. To give greater effect to +the thing and make it more fearful, Germans who contemplate singing it +are requested to grow side-whiskers. + + *** + +It is rumoured that since his recent tirade at York against newspapers +Dr. LYTTELTON has been made an Honorary Member of the Society of +Correctors of the Press. + + *** + +_The Evening News_ informs us that Mr. HENRY WHITE, a grave-digger of +Hellingly, has just dug his thousandth grave. Congratulations to our +contemporary upon being the first to spread the joyful news. + + *** + +Unfortunately, says _The Daily Mail_, Lord NORTHCLIFFE cannot be in four +places at once. Pending a direct contradiction from the new Viscount +himself, we can only counsel the country to bear this announcement with +fortitude. + + *** + +Only the other day _The Daily Chronicle_ referred to the Premier as "Mr. +George," just as if it had always been a penny paper. + + *** + +The rush to a certain Northern suburb has died down. The rumour that +there was a polite grocer there turns out to be cruelly at variance with +the facts. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JOY-RIDING UP-TO-DATE. + +THE UNDEFEATED WAR-PROFITEER.] + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER SEX-PROBLEM. + + "Plaintiff was the daughter of an officer in the Royal Irish + Constabulary, and was a grand-nephew of Dr. Abernethy, the famous + surgeon."--_Evening Paper_. + + * * * * * + +From a recent novel:-- + + "His face was of the good oatmeal type, and grew upon one." + +Useful in these days of rations. + + + * * * * * +From _The New Statesman's_ comment on Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S Paris speech. + + "He does try to be Biblical sometimes. In the Paris speech he used + the unnatural word 'yea' twice. Each time it gave one shudders down + the back." + +No doubt next time, in view of our obligations to U.S.A., the PRIME +MINISTER will say "Yep." + + * * * * * + +THE VICTORY. + +[_For J.B., with the author's affectionate pride._] + +HINDENBURG TO MACKENSEN. + + Dear MAC, in that prodigious thrust + In which your valiant legions vie + With HANNIBAL'S renown, I trust + You go a shade more strong than I; + Lately I've lost a lot of scalps, + Which is a dem'd unpleasant thing; + You may enjoy the Julian Alps-- + I do not like this JULIAN BYNG. + + I find him full of crafty pranks: + Without the usual warning fire + He loosed his beastly rows of tanks + And sent 'em wallowing through my wire; + For days and days he kept the lid + Hard down upon his low designs, + Then simply walked across and did + Just what he liked with all my lines. + + The fellow doesn't keep the rules; + Experts (I'm one myself) advise + That in trench-warfare even fools + Cannot be taken by surprise; + It isn't done; and yet he came + With never a previous "Are you there?" + And caught me--this is not the game-- + Bending my thoughtful gaze elsewhere. + + _Later_.--My route is toward the rear. + Where I shall stand and stop the rot + Lord only knows; and now I hear + Your forward pace is none too hot; + Indeed, with BYNG upon the burst, + If at this rate I make for home, + I doubt not who will get there first, + I to the Rhine, or you to Rome. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE LITERARY ADVISER. + +No, he does not appear in the _Gazette_. War establishments know him +not and his appointment throws no additional labour upon the staff of +Messrs. COX AND CO. Unofficially he is known as O.C. Split Infinitives. +His duties are to see that the standard of literary excellence, which +makes the correspondence of the Corps a pleasure to receive, is +maintained at the high level set by the Corps Commander himself. Indeed +the velvety quality of our prose is the envy of all other formations. + +Apart from duties wholly literary, he is also O.C. Code Names. The +stock-in-trade for this skilled labour is an H.B. pencil and a Webster +Dictionary. The routine is simplicity itself. As soon as anybody informs +him of a new arrival in the area he fishes out the dictionary, plays +Tit-Tat-Toe with the H.B., writes out the word that it lands upon at the +end of his rhyme, and, hey presto! there is another day's work done. + +But one day, for the sake of greater secrecy, it became necessary to +rename all the units of the area, and the Literary Adviser suddenly +found himself put to it to provide about three hundred new Code Names at +once. Heroically he set to work with his dictionary, his H.B. pencil, +and his little rhyme. For two days the Resplendent Ones in the General +Staff Office bore patiently with the muttering madman in the corner. +For two days he fluttered the leaves of his dictionary and +whispered hoarsely to himself, "Tit-tat-toe, my-first-go, +three-jolly-nigger-boys-all-in-a-_row_," picking out word after word +with unerring accuracy until the dictionary was a waste of punctures and +three generations of H.B.'s had passed away. Before the second day was +out the jingle had done its dreadful work. It was as much as the clerks +could do to avoid keeping step with it. The climax came when the Senior +Resplendent One, looking down at the telegram he was writing, found to +his horror that he had written, "Situation quiet Tit-Tat-Toe. Hostile +artillery activity normal Tit-Tat-Toe," and so on, substituting this +abomination in place of the official stop, ("Ack-Ack-Ack") throughout. + +It was enough. Still gibbering, the Literary Adviser was hurled forth +from the office and told to work his witchcraft in solitude. + +Paler, thinner and older by years he emerged from his retirement +triumphant, and the new code names went forth to a flourish of trumpets +or rather of the hooters of the despatch-riders. + +Then it began. For days he was subjected to rigorous criticisms of his +selection. "Signals" tripped him up first by pointing out two units with +the same name, and they also went on to point out that the word was +spelt "cable" in the first instance and "cabal" in the second. The +gunners, working in groups, complained bitterly that a babel had arisen +through the similarity of the words allotted to their groups. One +infuriated battery commander said it was as much as he could do to get +anyone else on the telephone but himself. + +Touched to the quick by criticism (when was it ever otherwise amongst +his kind?) the Adviser set aside his real work (he was, of course, +writing a book about the War) and applied himself to, the task of +straightening the tangle. Obviously the ideal combination would be for +each unit to have a code name that nobody could mistake no matter how +badly it was pronounced. And to this ideal he applied himself. Often, on +fine afternoons, the serenity of the country-side was disturbed by the +voice of one crying in the wilderness, "Soap--Silk--Salvage--Sympathy," +to see if any dangerous similarity existed. At dinner a glaze would +suddenly come over his eyes, his lips would move involuntarily and +mutter, as he gazed into vacancy, "Mustard--Mutton--Meat--Muffin." + +Histrionic effort played no small part in these attempts and +led to a good deal of misunderstanding, for he felt it incumbent +on him to try his codes in every possible dialect. Instead of +the usual cheery "Good morning," a major of a famous Highland +regiment was scandalised by an elderly subaltern blethering out, +"Cannibal--Custard--Claymore--Caramel," in an abominable Scotch accent. +Another day (on receipt of written orders) he was compelled to visit the +line to see if things had been built as reported, or, if it was just +optimism again. Half-an-hour later a sentry brought him down the trench +at the point of the bayonet for muttering as he rounded the traverse, +"Galoot--Gunning--Grumble--Grumpy," in pseudo-Wessex. Naturally, to +Native Yorkshire this sounded like pure Bosch. + +Ah! but he won through in the end. The man who has stood five years of +unsuccessful story-writing for magazines is not the kind to let himself +be beaten easily. There could be no doubt of the final result. When the +revised list was issued the response to the inquiry, "Hullo, is that +Sink?" was met by a "No, this is Smack," that crashed through the +thickest intellect. + +But vaulting ambition had o'erleapt itself. As a covering note to the +new issue he had put up the following letter:-- + +"Ref. G K etc., etc., of 10th inst. On November 3rd all previous issues +of Code Names will be cancelled in favour of the more euphonious +nomenclature which is forwarded herewith." + +A shriek of joy echoed through the corps. "Euphonious!" What a word! +What a discovery in a foreign country! The joy of the signal operators, +on whom something of the spirit of the old-time bus-drivers has +descended, was indescribable. You had only to pick up the receiver at +any time and the still small voices of the busy signal world could be +heard chortling, "Hullo-oo? Hullo, Euphonious! How's your father? +Yes, give me Crump." Or, "No, I can't get the General; he's left his +euphonious receiver off." + +Poor Euphonious (he has never been called by anything else since)--they +have threatened to make him O.C. Recreations for Troops. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BIRDS OF ILL OMEN. + +MR. PUNCH. "ONLY GOT HIM IN THE TAIL, SIR." + +THE MAN FROM WHITEHALL. "YES, BUT I MEAN TO GET THE NEXT ONE IN THE +NECK."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mistress_. "I HOPE YOU'RE DOING WHAT YOU CAN TO +ECONOMISE THE FOOD." + +_Cook_. "OH, YES'M. WE'VE PUT THE CAT ON MILK-AN'-WATER."] + + * * * * * + +PARS WITH A PUNCH. + +ALL THE REAL NEWS ABOUT MEN, WOMEN AND THINGS. + +BY OUR RAMBLING GOSSIP. + +_(With acknowledgments to some of our contemporaries.)_ + +_A Long-Felt Want._ + + +The opening, next week, of a Training School for Bus and Tube Travellers +will, it is hoped, supply a long-felt want in the Metropolis. I +understand that a month's course at the establishment will enable the +feeblest of mortals to hold his own and more in the fearful mêlée that +rages daily round train and vehicle. I have a prospectus before me as +I write; here are some of its sub-heads: "The Strap-Hanger's +Stranglehold," "Foot Frightfulness," "How to Enter a Bus Secretly," "The +Umbrella Barrage," "Explosives--When their Use is Justified," "What to +do when the Conductor Falls off the Bus." This certainly promises a +speedy amelioration of present-day travelling conditions. + + +_Timbuctoo Tosh_. + +Last week, when all those ridiculous rumours anent Timbuctoo were flying +about, you will remember how I warned you to set no faith in them. You +will admit that I was a good counsellor. Nothing _has_ happened at +Timbuctoo. I doubt very much whether anything _could_ happen there. + + +_Hush!_ + +On the other hand, keep your eye on a spot not a thousand miles away +from Clubland. Something will certainly happen there some day, and, when +it does, bear in mind that I warned you. + + +_Amazing Discovery._ + +Mr. ROOSEVELT'S discovery that, unknown to himself, he has been blind in +one eye for over a year, is surely surpassed by the experience of Mr. +Caractacus Crowsfeet, the popular M.P. for Slushington, who has just +learnt, as the result of a cerebral operation, that he possesses no +brain whatever. "It is indeed remarkable," said Mr. C. to me the other +day, "for I can truthfully assert that in all my arduous political +labours of the past ten years I have never felt the need or even +noticed the absence of this organ." He coughed modestly. "I have always +maintained that in politics it is the man, not the mind, that counts." + + +_She Has One!_ + +Mrs. Zebulon Napthaliski proposes to spend the winter on her Brighton +estate. "Yes--I _have_ received my sugar card," she told me, in answer +to my eager query. "More than that I cannot say." + + +_Fare and Foliage._ + +That charming fashion of decorating the dinner-table with foliage will +be all the rage this winter. Well-known London hostesses, basket on arm, +may daily be seen in Mayfair garnering fallen leaves from lawn, path or +roadside. Some very daring Society women are dispensing altogether with +a cloth, the table being covered with a complete layer of leaves. I +doubt, however, whether this will become popular, guests showing a +tendency to mislay their knives and forks in the foliage. + + +_A Bon Mot._ + +Have you heard the latest _bon mot_ that is going the round of the +clubs? Mrs. Savory Beet, of Pacifist fame, has, as you will recall, +announced her intention of taking up war work. "Ah!" was the comment of +a cynical bachelor, "it was a case of her taking up something or being +taken up herself!" His audience simply screamed with laughter. + + * * * * * + +_Watch Out!_ + +Don't be surprised if you hear of some sensational political +developments in the near future. The Minister who said recently that +the inevitable sequel to war was peace, was, in the opinion of those +competent to judge but, by reason of their official position, unable to +criticise, hinting at proposals which, if the signs and portents of the +time go for anything, would have far-reaching effects on the question of +Electoral Representation. I will say no more. Time alone will disclose +my meaning. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Urchin (with an inborn terror of the Force)._ "Oo, +MUVVER! IT WON'T, WILL IT?"] + + * * * * * + +OMINOUS. + + "----went every morning to a firm of sausage-makers by whom he was + employed as a horse-dealer."--_Irish Paper_. + + * * * * * + +"Rome, Saturday. + + "The announcement is made to-day of the award by the King [of Italy] + of gold medals to Lieutenant Giuseppe Castruccio and I sentence him + to three months' hard."--_Manchester Evening Chronicle_. + +When will British journalists learn not to interfere with the internal +affairs of friendly nations? + + * * * * * + +THE LAST MATCH. + + This is the last, the very, very last. + Its gay companions, who so snugly lay + Within the corners of their fragile home, + All, all are lightly fled and surely gone; + And their survivor lingers in his pride, + The last of all the matches in the house; + For Mr. Siftings says he has no more, + And Siftings is an honourable man, + And would not state a fact that was not so. + For now he has himself to do without + The flaming boon of matches, having none, + And cannot furnish us as he desires, + Being a grocer and the best of men, + But murmurs vaguely of a future week + When matches shall be numerous again + As leaves in Vallombrosa and as cheap. + Blinks, the tobacconist, he too is spent + With weary waiting in a matchless land; + What Siftings cannot get cannot be got + By men like Blinks, that young tobacconist, + Who tried with all a patriot's fiery zeal + To join the Army, but was sent away + For varicose and too protuberant veins; + And being foiled of all his high intent + Now minds the shop and is a Volunteer, + Drilling on Sundays with the rest of them; + He too, amid his hoards of cigarettes, + Is void of matches as he's full of veins. + So here's a good match in a naughty world, + And what to do with it I do not know, + Save that somehow, when all the place is still, + It shall explode and spurt and flame and burn + Slowly away, not having thus achieved + The lighting of a pipe or any act + Of usefulness, but having spent itself + In lonely grandeur as befits the last + Of all the varied matches I have known. + + * * * * * + +OUR SAMSONS. + + "Wanted at once.--Reliable Man for carrying off motor + lorry."--_Clitheroe Advertiser_. + + * * * * * + + "To-day the man possesses a second tumb, serviceable for all + ordinary purposes."--_Belfast Evening Telegraph_. + +In these days of restricted rations it seems a superflous luxury. + + * * * * * + + "Diamond Brooch, 15 cwt., set with three blue white diamonds; make a + handsome present; £9 9s."--_Derby Daily Telegraph_. + +It seems a lot for the money; but personally we would sooner have the +same weight of coals. + + * * * * * + +THE WAY DOWN. + +SYDNEY SMITH, or NAPOLEON or MARCUS AURELIUS (somebody about that time) +said that after ten days any letter would answer itself. You see what +he meant. Left to itself your invitation from the Duchess to lunch next +Tuesday is no longer a matter to worry about by Wednesday morning. You +were either there or not there; it is unnecessary to write now and say +that a previous invitation from the PRIME MINISTER--and so on. It was +NAPOLEON'S idea (or Dr. JOHNSON'S or MARK ANTONY'S--one of that circle) +that all correspondence can be treated in this manner. + +I have followed these early Masters (or whichever one it was) to the +best of my ability. At any given moment in the last few years there have +been ten letters that I absolutely _must_ write, thirty which I _ought_ +to write, and fifty which any other person in my position _would_ have +written. Probably I have written two. After all, when your profession +is writing, you have some excuse on returning home in the evenings for +demanding a change of occupation. No doubt if I were a coal-heaver by +day, my wife would see to the fire after dinner while I wrote letters. +As it is, she does the correspondence, while I gaze into the fire and +think about things. + +You will say, no doubt, that this was all very well before the War, but +that in the Army a little writing would be a pleasant change after the +day's duties. Allow me to disillusion you. If, three years ago, I ever +conceived a glorious future in which my autograph might be of value to +the more promiscuous collectors, that conception has now been shattered. +Three years in the Army has absolutely spoilt the market. Even were +I revered in the year 2,000 A.D. as SHAKSPEARE is revered now, my +half-million autographs, scattered so lavishly on charge-sheets, passes, +chits, requisitions, indents and applications would keep the price at a +dead level of about ten a penny. No, I have had enough of writing in +the Army and I never want to sign my own name again. "Yours sincerely, +HERBERT ASQUITH," "Faithfully yours, J. JELLICOE"--these by all means; +but not my own. + +However, I wrote a letter the other day; it was to the bank. It informed +them that I had arrived in London for a time and should be troubling +them again shortly, London being to all appearances an expensive place. +It also called attention to my new address--a small furnished flat in +which Celia and I can just turn round if we do it separately. When +it was written, there came the question of posting it. I was all for +waiting till the next morning, but Celia explained that there was +actually a letter-box on our own floor, twenty yards down the passage. I +took the letter along and dropped it into the slit. + +Then a wonderful thing happened. It went + +_Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty- +flipperty-flipperty-flipperty--FLOP._ + +I listened intently, hoping for more ... but that was all. Deeply +disappointed that it was over, but absolutely thrilled with my +discovery, I hurried back to Celia. + +"Any letters you want posted?" I said in an off-hand way. + +"No, thank you," she said. + +"Have you written any while we've been here?" + +"I don't think I've had anything to write." + +"I think," I said reproachfully, "it's quite time you wrote to +your--your bank or your mother or somebody." + +She looked at me and seemed to be struggling for words. + +"I know exactly what you're going to say," I said, "but don't say it; +write a little letter instead." + +"Well, as a matter of fact I _must_ just write a note to the laundress." + +"To the laundress," I said. "Of course, just a note." + +When it was written I insisted on her coming with me to post it. With +great generosity I allowed her to place it in the slit. A delightful +thing happened. It went + +_Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty- +flipperty-flipperty-flipperty--FLOP._ + +Right down to the letter-box in the hall. Two flipperties a floor. (A +simple calculation shows that we are perched on the fifth floor. I am +glad now that we live so high. It must be very dull to be on the fourth +floor with only eight flipperties, unbearable to be on the first with +only two.) + +"_O-oh!_ How _fas_-cinating!" said Celia. + +"Now don't you think you ought to write to your mother?" + +"Oh, I _must_." + +She wrote. We posted it. It went + +_Flipperty-flipperty_----However, you know all about that now. + +Since this great discovery of mine, life has been a more pleasurable +business. We feel now that there are romantic possibilities about +letters setting forth on their journey from our floor. To start life +with so many flipperties might lead to anything. Each time that we send +a letter off we listen in a tremble of excitement for the final FLOP, +and when it comes I think we both feel vaguely that we are still +waiting for something. We are waiting to hear some magic letter go +_flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty_ ... and behold! there is +no FLOP ... and still it goes on--_flipperty-flipperty-flipperty- +flipperty_--growing fainter in the distance ... until it arrives at +some wonderland of its own. One day it must happen so. For we cannot +listen always for that FLOP, and hear it always; nothing in this world +is as inevitable as that. One day we shall look at each other with awe +in our faces and say, "But it's still flipperting!" and from that time +forward the Hill of Campden will be a place holy and enchanted. Perhaps +on Midsummer Eve-- + +At any rate I am sure that it is the only way in which to post a letter +to Father Christmas. + +Well, what I want to say is this: if I have been a bad correspondent in +the past I am a good one now; and Celia, who was always a good one, is +a better one. It takes at least ten letters a day to satisfy us, and we +prefer to catch ten different posts. With the ten in your hand together +there is always a temptation to waste them in one wild rush of +flipperties, all catching each other up. It would be a great moment, but +I do not think we can afford it yet; we must wait until we get even more +practised at letter-writing. And even then I am doubtful; for it might +be that, lost in the confusion of that one wild rush, the magic letter +would start on its way--_flipperty-flipperty_--to the never-land, and we +should forever have missed it. + +So, friends, acquaintances, yes, and even strangers. I beg you now to +give me another chance. I will answer your letters, how gladly. I +still think that NAPOLEON (or CANUTE or the younger PLINY--one of the +pre-Raphaelites) took a perfectly correct view of his correspondence ... +but then _he_ Never had a letter-box which went + +_Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty- +flipperty-flipperty-flipperty--FLOP._ + +A.A.M. + + * * * * * + +THE H.D. AND Q. DEPARTMENT. + + "Major-General F.G. Bond is gazetted Director of Quartering at the + War Office." + +Pacifists beware! + + * * * * * + + "DIRTY WORK AT DOWNING STREET. BY HORATIO BOTTOMLEY." + + _John Bull._ + +They shouldn't have let him in. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer._ "WHY WERE YOU NOT AT ROLL-CALL LAST NIGHT?" + +_Defaulter._ "WELL, SIR, WITH THIS 'ERE CAMP CAMOUFLAGED SO MUCH, I +COULDN'T FIND MY WAY OUT OF THE CANTEEN."] + +COUNTER TACTICS. + +About a year ago I paid a visit to my hosier and haberdasher with +the intention of purchasing a few things with which to tide over +the remaining months of winter. After the preliminary discussion of +atmospherics had been got through, the usual raffle of garments was +spread about for my inspection. I viewed it dispassionately. Then, +discarding the little vesties of warm-blooded youth and the double-width +vestums of rheumatic old age, I chose several commonplace woollen +affairs and was preparing to leave when my hosier and haberdasher leaned +across the counter and whispered in my ear. + +"If I may advise you, Sir, you would be wise to make a large selection +of these articles. We do not expect to replace them." + +He glanced cautiously at an elderly gentleman who was stirring up a box +of ties, then, lowering his voice another semitone, added, "The mills +are now being used exclusively for Government work." He insinuated the +death-sentence effect very cleverly, and at that moment, coming to his +support, as it were, the old gentleman tottered up, seized upon two +garments and carried them off from under my very fingers. As he went out +a middle-aged lady entered and made straight for the residue upon the +counter. A feeling of panic came upon me. "Right you are," I exclaimed +hurriedly, "I'll take the lot." As a matter of fact she only wanted a +pair of gloves for her nephew in France. + +A few days later, still having the wool shortage in mind, I approached +my hosier and haberdasher on the subject of shirts. For a second or two +he looked thoughtfully at the toe of his boot. Then coming suddenly to a +decision he disappeared stealthily into the back premises, from which +he presently emerged carrying a large bale of flannel, which he cast +caber-wise upon the counter. + +"There," he said triumphantly, "I don't suppose there's another piece of +flannel like that in the country." He fingered it with an expert touch. + +"You don't say so," I said as I rubbed it reverently between my finger +and thumb, just to show that he wasn't the only one who could do it. + +"I'm afraid it's only too true," he confessed, "and I may add that, +after we have sold out our present stocks, flannel of any kind will be +absolutely unobtainable." + +"None at all?" I asked, horror-struck at the vision of my public life in +1920--a bow cravat over a double-width vestum. + +He shook his head and smiled wisely. + +I am instinctively against hoarding, but I knew that if I did not buy it +Jones would, and then some fine day, when nobody else had a shirt left, +he would swagger about and make my life intolerable. This decided me and +I bought the piece. + +A few days later it occurred to me that it might be advisable to lay +down some socks. My idea was in perfect unison with that of my hosier +and haberdasher. Socks were going to be unprocurable in a few months. I +patted myself on the back and bought up the 1916 vintage of Llama-Llama +footwear. The following week thirty-seven shirts arrived and I had to +buy a new chest-of-drawers. + +This, as I have stated before, was about a year ago. Yesterday I paid my +hosier and haberdasher another visit. If all the bone factories had not +been too exclusively engaged, etc., etc., I wished to buy a collar stud. +There was an elderly man standing in the shop. He was quite alone, +contemplating a mountain of garments. There were little vesties, +double-width vestums, and ordinary woollen affairs. + +You could have knocked me over with a dress-sock. + +And where was my hosier and haberdasher? Had the stranger--just awakened +to the value of his possessions--entered the shop and suddenly cast all +this treasure upon the counter? I imagined the shock of this procedure +on a man like my hosier and haberdasher, whose heart was perhaps a +trifle woolly. Had he collapsed? I glanced surreptitiously behind a +parapet of clocked socks. + +A moment later, from somewhere in the back premises, he appeared +carrying a large bale of flannel, which he cast caber-wise upon the +counter. I was dumbfounded. + +Then I knew the truth. + +"Sir," I said, turning to the stranger, "I believe you are about to make +a selection from these articles (I indicated them individually), which +you imagine to be the last of their race?" + +He nodded at me in a bewildered sort of way. + +"In a few months," I continued remorselessly, "they will be absolutely +unprocurable" (he gave a start of recognition), "and you, having bought +them, will sneak through life with the feelings of a food-hoarder, +mingled with those of the man who slew the last Camberwell Beauty. +I know the state of mind. But you need not distress yourself. These +garments (I indicated them again) will only be unprocurable because they +are in your possession. I have about half-a-ton myself, which, until a +few minutes age, would have been quite unprocurable. But I have changed +my mind and, if you will come with me, you can take your choice with +a clear conscience, and (I glanced maliciously at my faded hosier and +haberdasher) at the prices which were prevalent a year ago." + +I linked my arm with that of the stranger, and together we passed out of +the shop into the unpolluted light of day. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mother (to child who has been naughty)._ "AREN'T YOU +RATHER ASHAMED OF YOURSELF?" + +_Child._ "WELL, MOTHER, I WASN'T. BUT NOW THAT YOU'VE SUGGESTED IT I +AM."] + + * * * * * + +PRETENDING. + + I know a magic woodland with grassy rides that ring + To strange fantastic music and whirr of elfin wing, + There all the oaks and beeches, moss-mantled to the knees, + Are really fairy princes pretending to be trees. + + I know a magic moorland with wild winds drifting by, + And pools among the peat-hags that mirror back the sky; + And there in golden bracken the fronds that toss and turn + Are really little people pretending to be fern. + + I wander in the woodland, I walk the magic moor; + Sometimes I meet with fairies, sometimes I'm not so sure; + And oft I pause and wonder among the green and gold + If I am not a child again--pretending to be old. + +W.H.O. + + * * * * * + +It is understood that the FOOD-CONTROLLER has protested against the +forcible feeding of hunger-strikers. If they want to commit the Yappy +Dispatch, why shouldn't they? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ST. GEORGE OUT-DRAGONS THE DRAGON. [With Mr. Punch's +jubilant compliments to Sir DOUGLAS HAIG and his Tanks.]] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, November 19th._--Such a rush of Peers to the House of Commons +has seldom been seen. Lord WIMBORNE, who knows something of congested +districts, arrived early and secured the coveted seat over the clock. +Lord CURZON, holding a watching brief for the War Cabinet, was only just +in time to secure a place; and Lord COURTNEY and several others found +"standing room only." If we have many more crises Sir ALFRED MOND will +have to make provision for strap-hangers. + +There was very little sign of passion in Mr. ASQUITH'S measured +criticism of the Allied Council and of the PRIME MINISTER'S speech on +the subject in Paris. His foil was carefully buttoned, and though it +administered a shrewd thrust now and again it was not intended to draw +blood. + +At first the PRIME MINISTER followed this excellent example, and +contented himself with defending, and incidentally re-composing, his +Paris oration. The Allied Council, as now depicted, was a horse of +quite another colour from what it seemed in Paris. A further example of +_camouflage_, I suppose. + +Only when he came to deal with his Press critics did he let himself go, +to the delight of the House, which loves him in his swashbuckling mood. +As he confessed, however, that he had deliberately made "a disagreeable +speech" in Paris in order to get it talked about, the Press will +probably consider itself absolved. + +_Tuesday, November 20th._--Like John Bull, as represented in last week's +cartoon, Lord LAMINGTON has arrived at the conclusion that compulsory +rationing must come, and the sooner the better. Lord RHONDDA, however, +is still hopeful that John will tighten his own belt, and save him the +trouble. "More Yapping and Less Biting" should be our motto. But if we +fail to live up to it, the machinery for compulsory rationing is all +ready. Indeed, according to Lord DEVONPORT, it has been ready since +April last, when an "S.O.S." to the local authorities was on the point +of being sent, but a timely increase in imports stopped it. + +Nobody doubts Commander WEDGWOOD'S essential patriotism; he has proved +it like a knight of old on his body; but he is unfortunate in some of +his political associates, who take advantage of his good-nature. A book +with a preface by himself had been seized by the police on suspicion of +being seditious, and he loudly demanded to be prosecuted. But Sir GEORGE +CAVE was not inclined to set up a legal presumption that the writer of a +preface is responsible for the rest of the book. If he were, a good many +"forewords" would, I imagine, never have been written. + +_Wednesday, November 21st._--By a strange oversight the Royal Marines +were not specifically mentioned in the recent Vote of Thanks to the +Services. Apparently the fact that this country is proud of them is one +of those things that must not be told to the Marines. But Dr. MACNAMARA +assured the House that the omission should now be repaired. + +[Illustration: "His foil was carefully buttoned." + +MR. ASQUITH.] + +There has been a shortage of provisions in the city where _Lady Godiva_ +suffered from a shortage of clothes. Mr. CLYNES was prompt with a +remedy. A representative of the FOOD-CONTROLLER has already been sent to +Coventry. + +Conscientious Objectors found a doughty champion in Lord HUGH CECIL. +Rarely has an unpopular case been fortified with a greater wealth of +legal, historical and ethical argument. Only once, when he accused Mr. +BONAR LAW of holding the same doctrine as Herr BETHMANN-HOLLWEG, did he +lose, for a moment, the sympathy of his audience. But he soon recovered +himself, and thereafter held the House rapt with Cecilian harmonies. + +To such a lofty plane, indeed, had the debate been lifted that Mr. +RONALD MCNEILL, tall as he is, had some difficulty in bringing it down +to earth again; and when the division was called the spell was still +working, and in a very big House the "Conchies" only lost their votes by +thirty-eight. + +_Thursday, November 22nd._--Pending the introduction of the promised +censorship of Parliamentary Questions, Mr. JOSEPH KING is working +overtime. No story is too fantastically impossible to find a shelter +under his hospitable hat. To-day it was a secret treaty between the +Russian Government (old style) and the French Republic, by which Belgium +was to be compensated at the expense of Holland. Lord ROBERT CECIL +denounced it as an invention of the enemy. But I don't suppose the +denial had the smallest effect upon Mr. KING, who probably went off and +dined heartily on a magnum of mare's-nest soup. + +A tremendous accession to the ranks of the Sinn Feiners has been +narrowly averted. When Members read the menu which, according to Major +NEWMAN, the Irish Government has adopted for political prisoners--three +good square meals a day, including an egg, ten ounces of meat, a pound +and a half of bread, two pints and a half of milk, and real butter--they +were strongly minded to enlist under Mr. DE VALERA'S banner and get +themselves arrested forthwith. But Mr. DUKE'S emphatic denial shattered +their dream of repletion at the taxpayers' expense. + +A final attempt to get proportional representation included in the +Franchise Bill was heavily defeated. In a dashing attempt to save it Sir +MARK SYKES declared that the old Eatanswill methods of electioneering +had gone for ever--"no mouth was large enough to kiss thirty thousand +babies." But the majority of the House seemed to be more impressed by +the self-sacrificing argument of that eminent temperance advocate, Sir +THOMAS WHITTAKER, who feared that "P.R." would lead to an increase in +"milk-and-water politicians." + + * * * * * + +ALWAYS SOMETHING NEW FROM AFRICA. + + "A Belgian East African communiqué says that before the converging + advance of the Anglo-German Belgian columns, the enemy retired to + the south bank of the Kilimbero."--_Mombasa Times._ + +We seem to have met some of these Anglo-German columns in the Pacifist +Press. + + "Our machines then bombed the General, in which the + German Head-quarters at Constantinople are reported to be + situated."--_Times._ + +The General must have been stout, even for a German. + + "Not having regained consciousness the police are left with little + tangible evidence to work upon."--_Daily Telegraph._ + +Let us hope they will soon come to. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HOW TO UTILISE OUR SKILLED CRAFTSMEN. + +_First Lieutenant._ "WHAT WAS THIS MAN BEFORE HE JOINED?" + +_Petty Officer._ "OPTICIAN, SIR." + +_First Lieutenant._ "WHAT HAD WE BETTER GIVE HIM TO DO?" + +_Petty Officer._ "THERE'S THEM PRISMATIC SPOTTING GLASSES, SIR. THE +LEATHER STRAP IS BROKEN OFF THEM. HE COULD SPLICE IN A PIECE O' COD +LINE."] + + * * * * * + +_LE POILU DE CARCASSONNE._ + + THE _poilus_ of France on the Western Front are brave as brave can be, + Whether they hail from rich Provence or from ruined Picardie; + It's the self-same heart from the lazy Loire and the busy banks of Seine, + Undaunted by perpetual mud or cold or gas or pain; + And all are as gay as men know how whose wealth and friends are gone, + But the gayest of all is a little white dog that came from Carcassonne. + + He was brought as a pup by a _Midi_ man to a sector along the Aisne, + But his man laid the wire one pitch-black night and never came back again. + The pup stood by with one ear down and the other a question mark, + And at times he licked his dead friend's face and at times he tried to bark, + Till the listening sentry heard the sound, and when the daylight shone + He looked abroad and cried, "_Bon Guieu! C'est le poilu de Carcassonne!_" + + So the dead man's _copains_ kept the dog on the strength of the company. + And whoever went short it was not the pup, though a greedy pup was he; + They gave him their choicest bits of _sinje_ and drops of _pinard_ too; + He was warm and safe when he crept beneath a cloak of horizon-blue; + They clipped fresh _brisques_ in his rough white coat as the weary months + dragged on, + And all the sector knows him now as _le Poilu de Carcassonne_. + + And in return he keeps their hearts from that haunting foe, _l'ennui_; + He's their plaything, friend, and sentry too, and a lover of devilry; + He helps them to hunt out rats or Boches; he burrows and sniffs for mines, + And he growls when the murderous shrapnel flies screaming above the lines; + His little black nose is a-quiver with glee whenever a raid is on, + And they say with pride, "_C'est la guerre elle-même, notre Poilu de + Carcassonne!_" + + There was none more glad when they went to rest in their billet, a + ruined shack, + But when they returned to the front-line trench he was just as pleased + to be back; + He's the spirit of fun itself, and so when other men feel blue, + His friends remark, "_Le cafard, quoi? On l'connait pas chez nous!_" + So when you drink to the valiant French and the glorious fights they've won + Just raise your glass to a little white dog that came from Carcassonne. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"LOYALTY." + +If you are a pernickety intellectual (_soi-disant_) you may really +permit yourself to be faintly amused at the fiery zeal of the +mystery-wrapt author of _Loyalty_ for his (or, quite possibly, her) +country's cause in this difficult hour. If you are cast in the common +human mould that nowadays is seen for the glorious thing it is, you will +respond to many single-minded, wholesome thoughts in the impassioned +statement of his thesis. And if you happen to belong to that simple +discredited breed, the English, so long overshadowed by the nimbler +Britons, you may have quite a nice little private thrill of your own, +a thrill of pride in your precious stone, and begin to think with +seriousness of the advantages of "home rule all round" in an +England-for-the-English mood, and of the value of a nationalism that is +as irrational as conjugal or mother love--and as fine. + +The author's hero is an Englishman of the wandering type, assistant +editor on a crank paper. The play is a protracted debate in four +sessions, June, 1914; July, 1914; August, 1914; September, 1916. And +here the author makes his most serious mistake, the mistake made by Mr. +HENRY ARTHUR JONES in his recent squib. If he had contrived his Little +Navy folk, the proprietor, editor and revolving cranks as something +more than mere caricatures, brands of straw prepared for his consuming +bonfires, he would have strengthened, not weakened, his excellent case. +He has quoted his enemies' mistakes without their excuses, their texts +without their contexts. And that is a form of propaganda which can only +touch the converted, or such of them as are not stirred by a sporting +instinct to a certain mood of protest and a wish that the other fellow +should be given a better start in the heresy hunt. + +The _dramatis personae_, then, divide themselves into the men of straw +and the right sort. Of the former you have first _Sir Andrew Craig_, +chairman of the party in his constituency and editor of _The New +Standard_ (there were indeed altogether new standards of efficiency, +mentality and hospitality in that rather imaginative newspaper office of +the First Act). Mr. FISHER WHITE gave us the courtly-obstinate old man +to the life (this player has a way of removing straw). In the dramatic +passage in which, returning after being broken in a German prison, he +relates some of the horrors of which it is good for us to be reminded, +he rose to the height of his fine talent. His exquisite elocution--a +remarkable feat of virtuosity--was in itself a sheer delight. + +_Mr. Stutchbury_, the editor, pacifist and sentimental democrat, was +dealt to Mr. LENNOX PAWLE. He played his hand well. There was never such +an editor outside Bedlam; but Mr. PAWLE is a resourceful person and by a +score of clever tricks of gesture and business made a reasonable figure +of fun for our obloquy. All but broken in the end, but still claiming +that he had "the larger vision" (as he certainly had the larger +diameter), there was a certain dignity of pathos in his exit, a late +_amende_ by an otherwise remorseless puppet-maker. Mr. SYDNEY PAXTON +as a pillar of Nonconformity offered a clever study in the +unctuous-grotesque; Mr. VINCENT STERNROYD sketched a portrait of a +nut-consuming impenitent disarmamentist. The author is the first, so far +as I know, to give public emphasis to the queer fact of natural +history that there is some connection between extreme opinions and the +prominence of the Adam's apple of the holder of them--a fact on which I +have often pondered. + +Mr. M. MORAND, the aggressive Scots member of the election committee, +inspired to great heights of insobriety by the return of his +London-Scottish nephew from the Front, sounded a welcome human note, as +did Mr. SAM LIVESEY, the Labour Member of the committee, shaken out of +his detachment into an extreme explicitness of language by a Zeppelin +raid experience. Mr. GEORGE BELLAMY'S Welsh Disestablisher and Mr. +GRIFFITH HUMPHREYS' exuberant German press-agent of the pre-war period +were both really shrewd studies. + +Of the right sort there were but five--and one of these, the editor's +secretary, at heart an honest patriot, but in fact eating the bread of +shame, was perhaps not altogether of the right sort. Still he did get +off his chest at last the pent-up passion of years, and very well he did +it, with the help of Mr. RANDLE AYRTON, whose subtle little touches, +building up a picture of a disheartened hack, were very adroit indeed. + +Then there was young _Henry Craig_, at the beginning an undergraduate in +his last term, at the end a V.C. in his last resting-place. Mr. PERCIVAL +CLARKE'S was an adequate pleasant study. So also was Mr. PHILIP +ANTHONY'S of a Canadian, full of strange idioms, who butted in to just +the wrong corner of Fleet Street to put the editor wise about the +intentions of a Germany in which he had spent his last two years. And +then there was splendidly English _Frank Aylett_, exile returned, +unspoilt by the cynicism of party and paper, whose fortune came to him +just at the psychological moment, enabling him to give his proprietor +notice and fight and win a by-election in the astonied man's own +constituency, besides carrying off his daughter (Miss VIOLA TREE), who +was the fifth of the right sort. What more plausible English hero than +Mr. C. AUBREY SMITH, except that he had to talk a good deal more than +seemed appropriate to his type? There was a well-managed post-election +scene when he was at his best (as was the author). And all through there +was good and sometimes glorious sense for those to hear who had ears. + +The programme promised us about a month's interval between Acts I. and +II. It was actually less than that; but if Mr. J.H. SQUIRE's musicianly +orchestra had not been there to charm us we might conceivably have been +bored. + +T. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LIGHTER SIDE OF EDITORIAL LIFE. + +_Frank Aylett_ . . . . . . . . MR. C. AUBREY SMITH. + +_Anthea Craig_ . . . . . . . . MISS VIOLA TREE.] + + * * * * * + +MORE COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + + "FOR SALE.--A 45 H.P., 6 cyl.--Car, touring body, fitted with every + latest convenience. Exceptionally well sprung. Just purchased by + owner and run under 1,000 miles. Guaranteed over 25-galls. to the + mile by Agents. Rs. 11,000."--_Indian Paper_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DIVERSION" IN THE BALKANS.] + + * * * * * + +HEROES. + +If the question were put to a company of young women, "What is the most +thrilling experience you can have in a London street?" the odds are +a thousand to one that they would reply that nothing could be more +thrilling than to meet a famous actor in plain clothes and identify him. +I am not a young woman myself, but I should be inclined to share their +opinion. There is something about an actor in real life, moving along +like a human being--one of us--that always stirs my pulse. It is +exciting enough to see Mr. LLOYD GEORGE or Mr. ASQUITH or Sir OLIVER +LODGE; but no one stirs the imagination like an actor. + +That is why I still tremble a little whenever I think of my good fortune +the other afternoon in the Haymarket, and why my pen shakes as I +commit the adventure to paper. For I met face to face two of the most +successful actors in London--at the present moment, in the world. + +I was walking up the Haymarket in the rain, hoping, in spite of the new +prohibitive rates, that I might see an empty cab, when I met them coming +down. They were walking with a man whom I did not recognise, and, like +me, were getting wet. One thinks of successful actors as riding always +in taxis; but taxis are very rare nowadays, particularly in the wet, and +somehow it did not seem unnatural that they should be on foot. I am glad +enough that they were, or I should have missed my _frisson_; and others +would have suffered a similar loss, for the recognition was not only on +my part but on that of several passers-by, and it was instantaneous. +Indeed, I heard one lady tell her companion the name of the play they +are in and the extraordinary length of its run, and since she spoke +loudly I thought how delightful it must be to be a theatrical celebrity +and hear cordial things like that as you move about. Neither of them +paid any attention, however, although their friend showed signs that +the flattery had not escaped him; the two Illustrions (to coin a word) +merely walked on, superior to our homage, and disappeared into Charles +Street, where the stage door of His Majesty's is. + +Pouring though it was, and grovelling admirer of footlight favourites as +I am, somehow I never thought to offer either of them my umbrella. But +then one doesn't offer an umbrella to a donkey or a camel, even though +they are two of the stars of _Chu Chin Chow_. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER INJUSTICE. + +From a Sinn Fein speech:-- + + "When Ireland was silent England did not hear her cry + out."--_Wicklow News-Letter_. + + * * * * * + + "WHY SHOULD A RABBIT COST 2s. 3d.? + + "This question from a reader induces me to postpone until next week + my analysis of the high cost of onions."--_Empire News_. + +On the principle that it is better to make sure of the rabbit before +arranging about the stuffing. + + * * * * * + + "Stockholm, Tuesday. + + "News from Finland shows that the Socialist leaders have lost control + of the workmen, and all kinds of excesses are taking place. The + present Commandant at Tornea was a sailor, the head of the + passport office was a tailor, and the chief telegraphic censor a + tinker."--_Central News_. + +We miss the soldier, to say nothing of "apothecary, ploughboy, thief." + + * * * * * + + "Scholars and tragedians between them seem to have appropriated + the right to keep Shakespeare's memory green. But there are other + Richmonds in the field, humble Richmonds, not well read ... John of + Gaunt, crying that his England 'never did nor never shall lie at the + proud foot of a conqueror....'"--_The Times_. + +The writer who thus deprived the _Bastard_ in _King John_ of his famous +lines was, we infer, one of the "other Richmonds." + + * * * * * + +SUGAR. + +AN ELEGIAC ODE. + + Queen of the palate! Universal Sweet! + Gastronomy's delectable Gioconda! + Since with submission loyally I greet + And follow out the regimen of RHONDDA, + I cannot be considered indiscreet + If I essay, but never go beyond, a + Brief elegiac tribute to a sway + By sterner needs now largely swept away. + + Thy candy soothes the infant in its pram; + Thou addest mellowness to old brown sherry; + Thou glorifiest marmalade, on Cam + And Isis making breakfast-tables merry; + Thou lendest magic to the meanest jam + Compounded of the most insipid berry; + And canst convert the sourest crabs and quinces + To jellies fit for epicures and princes. + + Thou charmest unalloyed, in loaf or lumps + Or crystals; brown and moist, or white and pounded; + I never was so deeply in the dumps + That, once thy fount of sweetness I had sounded, + Courage returned not; even with the mumps + I still could view with gratitude unbounded + The navigators of heroic Spain + Who found the New World--and the sugar-cane. + + Sprinkled on buttered bread thou dost excite + In human boys insatiable cravings; + On Turkish (I regret to say) Delight + Thou lurest them to dissipate their savings, + Instead of banking them, or sitting tight, + Or buying useful books and good engravings; + And lastly, mixed with strawberries and cream, + Thou art more than a dish, thou art a dream. + + Before necessity, that knows no ruth, + Ordained thy frugal use in tea and coffee, + Some Stoics banned thee--men who in their youth + Showed an unnatural dislike of toffee; + For sweetness charms the normal human tooth, + Sweetness inspires the singer's tenderest strophe, + Since old LUCRETIUS musically chid + The curse of life--_amari aliquid_. + + _Eau sucrée_, I admit, is rather tame + Compared with beer or whisky blent with soda; + But gallant Frenchmen, experts at this game, + Commend it highly either as a _coda_ + Or prelude to their meals, and much the same + Is sherbet, which the Gaekwar of Baroda + And other Oriental satraps quaff + In preference to ale or half-and-half. + + Nor must I fail, O potent saccharin! + Thou chemic offspring of by-products coaly, + Late comer on the culinary scene, + To hail thy aid, although it may be lowly + Even compared with beet; for thou hast been + Employed in sweetening my roly-poly-- + Thou whom I once regarded as a dose + And now the active rival of glucose! + + But still I hear some jaundiced critic say, + Some rigid self-appointed _censor morum_, + "Why harp upon the pleasures of a day + When freely sweetened was each cup and jorum, + Ere stern controllers had begun to stay + The genial outflow of the _fons leporum?_ + Now sugar's scarce, and we must do without it, + Why let regretful fancy play about it?" + + True, yet it greatly goes against the grain, + Unless one has the patience of Ulysses, + Wholly and resolutely to refrain + From dwelling on the memory of past blisses; + Forbidden fruits allure the strong and sane; + Joys loved but lost are what one chiefly misses; + This is my best excuse if I deplore + "So sad, so _sweet_, the days that are no more." + + * * * * * + +'TATERS. + +SCENE: _At "The Plough and Horses_." + +"You seen Parson lately, George?" + +"Not lately I ain't, Luther." + +"Not since 'is 'taters be out o' ground?" + +"No. Finest crop in village, some do say." + +"That be right--sev'ral ton of 'em there be." + +"What to goodness do 'e want 'em all for, then? 'Im an' 's wife an' a +maid 'll never eat all them 'taters." + +"I'll tell you what 'e says to me, for 'appen 'e'll say it to you, +George, when 'e comes acrost you next. 'E says to me, 'I've growed +as many potatoes as I've had strength to grow, an' they've prospered +exceedin'ly,' 'e says, 'thank God! So if any deservin' folk in my parish +gets through wi' their own crop an' wants more later on they 'as only to +come to me, for I've growed more 'an my 'ouse'old 'll eat if they was to +eat all day.'" + +"'E be proud o' that?" + +"Fine an' proud 'e be." + +"An' yet it be some'at unfort'nate too. For all of us as is left in this +'ere parish 'as growed as many 'taters as they'll be like to need, same +as 'e. So I don't see nought but disappointment for Parson an' a lot o' +good 'taters lyin' to rot in their pies." + +"Some there be too fond o' Parson to let that 'appen. Me an' my wife +be sendin' few of ours to London ev'ry week or so. So in due season we +shall be free to go to Parson an' 'elp 'im through wi' 'is, same as 'e +wants us to. I 'ears as others is doin' some'at the same as us--fear is +as too many'll tumble to the idea, which is why I'd 'ave you keep it +fro' goin' further, George." + +"Silent as th' grave I'll be. So you're givin' your 'taters 'way to +please Parson? Yet I do allus say as 'taters what a man grows wi' sweat +of 'is own brow do beat all others in t' eatin'." + +"That may be; but us can't afford to be so mighty pernickerty in time o' +war. Nor we ain't givin' nothin 'way in manner o' speakin'. Fair market +price they gives for 'em in London. So it be somethin' in 'and in these +'ard times as well as savin' Parson from a bitter disappointment what 'e +ain't done nothin' to deserve, so far as I can see." + + * * * * * + + "Two organ grinders, aged 23 and 16, were taken to Charing Cross + Hospital to-day with bad injuries and severe shock, the result of a + barrel organ getting out of control in Rosebery-avenue."--_Evening + Paper_. + +They should try a less dangerous instrument next time. + + * * * * * + + "'Seed potatoes' means potatoes grown in Scotland or Ireland in the + year 1917, or grown in England or Wales in the year 1917 from seed + grown in Scotland or Ireland in the year 1916, which will pass + through a riddle having a 1-5/8-in. mesh, and will not pass through + a riddle having a 1-5/8-in. mesh."--_Journal of the Board of + Agriculture_. + +We ourselves cannot get through any riddle of this kind. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sergeant (instructing squad of volunteers in physical +drill)._ "THIS 'ERE HEXERCISE IS INTENDED TO 'ARDEN THE MUSCLES OF +THE STUMMICK AND MAKE IT HIMPERVIOUS TO GERMAN BULLETS HIN CASE OF +HINVASION."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_(By Mr, Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_ + +It is difficult within the ordinary limits of a review in these columns +to say all that one feels or even to express adequately one's gratitude +after reading the two volumes of Lord MORLEY'S generous and delightful +_Recollections_ (MACMILLAN). I seem to have been sitting with him in a +large and comfortable library while the great Viscount rolled me out his +mind, now breaking out into a glowing eulogy of GEORGE MEREDITH, JOSEPH +CHAMBERLAIN or LESLIE STEPHEN, or again dashing off with a few firm and +skilful strokes a portrait of JOHN MILL or HERBERT SPENCER, or some +other intellectual giant of that nineteenth century which Lord MORLEY +nobly defends and of which he himself was _grande decus columenque_. The +book is crammed with passages that arouse and maintain pleasure in +the reader and clamour for quotation on the part of the reviewer. +"Meredith," we are told, "who did not know Mill in person, once spoke to +me of him, with the confident intuition proper to imaginative genius, as +partaking of the Spinster. Disraeli, when Mill made an early speech in +Parliament, raised his eye-glass and murmured to a neighbour on the +bench, 'Ah, the Finishing Governess.'" Or we are introduced to SPENCER +at MILL'S table: "The host said to him at dessert that Grote, who was +present, would like to hear him explain one or more of his views about +the equilibration of molecules in some relation or other. Spencer, after +an instant of good-natured hesitation, complied with unbroken fluency +for a quarter-of-an-hour or more. Grote followed every word intently, +and in the end expressed himself as well satisfied. Mill, as we moved +off into the drawing-room, declared to me his admiration of a wonderful +piece of lucid exposition. Fawcett, in a whisper, asked me if I +understood a word of it, for he did not. Luckily I had no time to +answer." Or again: "Another contributor [to _The Saturday Review_] +was the important man who became Lord SALISBURY. He and I were alone +together in the editorial anteroom every Tuesday morning, awaiting our +commissions, but he too had a talent for silence, and we exchanged no +words, either now or on any future occasion." How charming a picture +is this of two shy British publicists maintaining towards one another, +against every possible discouragement, an inviolable silence. Not even +the weather could tempt them to break it. Yet the great characteristic +of this book is the large-hearted tolerance of comment and judgment +which makes it emphatically a friendly book. As such I commend it with +all the warmth in my power. + + * * * * * + +For her new story, _Missing_ (COLLINS), Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD has used her +knowledge, already proved elsewhere, of two settings, the English Lakes +and a Base Hospital somewhere in France. Also perhaps her knowledge +of human nature, though I like to think that there are not many elder +sisters so calculatingly callous as _Bridget_. The bother about her +was that she sadly wanted her attractive younger sister to marry a +sufficient establishment, not, I fear, from wholly altruistic motives. +So she was not altogether sorry when the impecunious soldier-husband, +whom _Nelly_ had personally preferred, was reported missing, thus +leaving that to chance once again open. Then, just as her plans seemed +to be prospering, word came secretly to her that there was a man +shattered and with memory lost in a base hospital who might possibly be +the brother-in-law whom she so emphatically didn't want. What happens +upon this you shall find out for yourself. Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD, as you +will notice, has no fear of a dramatic, even melodramatic, situation; +handles it, indeed, with a skill that the most popular might envy. +Thence onwards the story, perhaps a trifle slow in starting, gathers +force. The two visits to the camp at X---- (a very thin disguise for a +place that no Englishman of our time will ever forget) are admirably +vivid; the last chapters especially being as moving as anything that +Mrs. WARD has given us, whether in her popular, profound or propagandist +manner. + + * * * * * + +Lately, Mr. E.F. BENSON seems to have been devoting himself almost +wholly to chronicling the short and simple annals of the middle-aged. +With one exception, all his recent protagonists have been, if not +exactly in the sere and yellow, at least ripely mature. So that such +a title as that of his latest novel, _An Autumn Solving_ (COLLINS), +produced in me rather a feeling of familiar expectancy than of surprise. +Also when the wrapper artist clothes a volume with a picture of an +elderly gentleman obviously giving up an attractive young woman of +perhaps one-third his years it is idle to pretend that the contents +retain all the thrill of the unforeseen. Having said so much, I can let +myself go in praise (as how often before) of those qualities of insight +and gently sub-acid humour that make a BENSON novel an interlude of pure +enjoyment to the "jaded reviewer." In case the indiscreet cover may +happily have been removed before the volume reaches your hands, I do not +propose to give away the plot in any detail. The autumn sowing of course +produces a crop not exactly of wild oats, but of romantic tares that +springs in the hitherto barren heart of one _Keeling_, prosperous +tradesman, husband, father, mayor, public benefactor and baronet, +by reason of the too sympathetic damsel who types his letters and +catalogues his library. That library shows Mr. BENSON'S genius; +without it I should hardly have been able to believe in the subsequent +happenings, but, given this "secret garden," all the tragedy is +explained. I have left myself no space in which to do justice to some +admirable characterization. _Keeling's_ wife is worthy of a place in the +author's long gallery of woolly-witted matrons; while in _Silverdale_ he +has given a study of clerical futility and egotism almost savage in its +detestability, a portrait at which one laughs and shudders together. Of +course the book will have, and deserve, a huge welcome. + + * * * * * + +The union of scholarship and sympathy, enthusiasm and eloquence, is +rare; yet these qualities are to be found in perfect harmony in the +stately volume on the poets' poet which has just been published under +the style, on the cover, _Life of John Keats_, and on the title-page, +_John Keats, His Life and Poetry, His Friends, Critics and After-Fame_ +(MACMILLAN)--a volume upon which Sir SIDNEY COLVIN has been engaged ever +since his retirement from the Print Room of the British Museum, and may +be said to have been preparing to write all his days, ever since, as a +boy, he first opened the "magic casement." A book representing so long +and ardent a devotion, and written by one whose loyalties have always +been so cordially sustained and acknowledged, could not but glow; and it +is its warmth of feeling which, to my mind, peculiarly marks this very +distinguished work. It is more than a life; it is a "companion" to KEATS +so complete and understanding that one can with confidence apply to it +the abused word, "definitive." Critical essays on the poet no doubt will +continue to appear, but this is the last biographical monument likely to +be raised to him. + + * * * * * + +Your enjoyment of _The Head of the Family_ (METHUEN) may in a measure +depend upon your capacity to appreciate _William Linkhorn_ and the glory +of his "great flaming beard." To me, unhappily, _William_ was an uncouth +rustic, just that and very little else; but he possessed some mysterious +attraction for women; so, at any rate, Mrs. HENRY DUDENEY tells +me, though she does not explain to my satisfaction what it was. +_Phoebe-Louisa_ married him partly because she wanted a man to help in +her greengrocery; but what charm he had for her soon waned, and she +smote hard when she caught him philandering with _Beausire Fillery_. It +was all the lady's fault; _William_ had, so to speak, only to wave his +beard and she was at his feet. But if the hirsute feature of this story +leaves me cold it is easy enough to enjoy and admire the rest. The +_Firebraces_, spoken of here as "The Family," are most admirably drawn. +Never has the condescension of county people to those less exalted in +birth been described with more delightful irony. True that some of the +_Firebraces_ kicked over the traces and married whom they listed, but +the family as a whole was rooted deep enough to stand shocks which would +have devastated people of less assured position. The scenes of the story +are laid in and around Lewes, a part of England dear to Mrs. DUDENEY'S +heart, and of which she writes with real comprehension and devotion. + + * * * * * + +By a self-denying ordinance Mr. Punch declines, as a general rule, to +review in these columns the work of his Staff. But he may permit himself +to announce to all lovers of the gay humour of "A.A.M." that Messrs. +HODDER AND STOUGHTON have just brought out a new novel, _Once on a +Time_, by Mr. ALAN A. MILNE, with illustrations by Mr. H. M. BROCK. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CONSOLING THOUGHT. + +_Belated Traveller (surprised by a bull when taking a short cut to the +station)._ "BY JOVE! I BELIEVE I SHALL CATCH THAT TRAIN AFTER ALL."] + + * * * * * + + "Alexander had his 'Plutarch' always under his pillow."--_British + Weekly._ + +This must have been a very early edition. + + * * * * * + + "Colombo is suffering from an attack of rabies and there have been + 38 cases reported so far. In the first six months of the year 1,300 + days were destroyed."--_Singapore Free Press_. + +Let us hope that every day had its dog. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11443 *** |