diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11443-0.txt | 1580 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11443-h/11443-h.htm | 1606 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11443-h/images/359.png | bin | 0 -> 82724 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11443-h/images/361.png | bin | 0 -> 391663 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11443-h/images/362.png | bin | 0 -> 259986 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11443-h/images/363.png | bin | 0 -> 212743 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11443-h/images/365.png | bin | 0 -> 247215 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11443-h/images/366.png | bin | 0 -> 220744 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11443-h/images/367.png | bin | 0 -> 468492 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11443-h/images/368.png | bin | 0 -> 48311 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11443-h/images/369.png | bin | 0 -> 222929 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11443-h/images/370.png | bin | 0 -> 59017 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11443-h/images/371.png | bin | 0 -> 211704 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11443-h/images/373.png | bin | 0 -> 268749 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 11443-h/images/374.png | bin | 0 -> 69729 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11443-8.txt | 2008 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11443-8.zip | bin | 0 -> 39049 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11443-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 2744170 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11443-h/11443-h.htm | 2007 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11443-h/images/359.png | bin | 0 -> 82724 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11443-h/images/361.png | bin | 0 -> 391663 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11443-h/images/362.png | bin | 0 -> 259986 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11443-h/images/363.png | bin | 0 -> 212743 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11443-h/images/365.png | bin | 0 -> 247215 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11443-h/images/366.png | bin | 0 -> 220744 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11443-h/images/367.png | bin | 0 -> 468492 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11443-h/images/368.png | bin | 0 -> 48311 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11443-h/images/369.png | bin | 0 -> 222929 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11443-h/images/370.png | bin | 0 -> 59017 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11443-h/images/371.png | bin | 0 -> 211704 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11443-h/images/373.png | bin | 0 -> 268749 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11443-h/images/374.png | bin | 0 -> 69729 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11443.txt | 2008 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/11443.zip | bin | 0 -> 39025 bytes |
37 files changed, 9225 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/11443-0.txt b/11443-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8c2ba35 --- /dev/null +++ b/11443-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1580 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11443 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11443-h.htm or 11443-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/4/11443/11443-h/11443-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/4/11443/11443-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 153 + +NOVEMBER 28, 1917 + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +"How the Germans never got wind of it," writes a correspondent of the +British attack on the HINDENBURG line, "is a mystery." The failure of +certain M.P.'s to ask questions about it in Parliament beforehand may +have had something to do with it. + + *** + +An order has been promulgated fixing the composition of horse chaff. The +approach of the pantomime season is thought to be responsible for it. + + *** + +"We are particularly anxious," writes the Ministry of Food, "that +Christmas plum-puddings should not be kept for any length of time." A +Young Patriots' League has been formed, we understand, whose members are +bent on carrying out Lord RHONDDA'S wishes at any cost to their parents. + + *** + +Another birthplace of ST. GEORGE has been captured in Palestine. It is +now definitely established that the sainted warrior's habit of trying to +carry-on in two places at the same time was the subject of much adverse +criticism by the military experts of the period. + + *** + +A Camberley man charged with deserting the Navy and joining the Army +explained that he was tired of waiting for TIRPITZ to come out. We +are informed that Commander CARLYON BELLAIRS, M.P., and Admiral W.H. +HENDERSON have been asked to enlighten the poor fellow as to the true +state of affairs. + + *** + +A skull of the Bronze Age has been found on Salisbury Plain. Several +hats of the brass age have also been seen in the vicinity. + + *** + +Imports of ostrich feathers have fallen from £33,000 in 1915 to £182 +in 1917. Ostrich farmers, it appears, are on the verge of ruin as +the result of their inability to obtain scissors and other suitable +foodstuffs for the birds. + + *** + +"Measures are being taken to check pacifists," says Sir GEORGE CAVE. +Prison-yard measures, we hope. + + *** + +A Stoke Newington constable has discovered a happy method of taking +people's minds off their food troubles. During the last month he has +served fifty of them with dog-summonses. + + *** + +Five hundred pounds have been sent to the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER +by an anonymous donor. It is thought that the man is concealing his +identity to avoid being made a baronet. + + *** + +"What is the use of corporations if they can do nothing useful?" asks +Councillor STOCK, of Margate. It is an alluring topic, but a patriotic +Press has decided that it must be postponed in favour of the War. + + *** + +During trench-digging on Salisbury Plain the skeleton of a young man, +apparently buried about the year 600 B.C., was unearthed. The skull was +partially fractured, evidently by a battle-axe. Foul play is suspected. + + *** + +Sugar was sold for half-a-guinea a pound at a charity sale in the +South of England, and local grocers are complaining bitterly of unfair +competition. + + *** + +A contemporary points out that there is a soldier in the North +Staffordshire Regiment whose name is DOUGLAS HAIG. Riots are reported in +Germany. + + *** + +"Can Fish Smell?" asks a weekly paper headline. We can only say that in +our experience they sometimes do, especially on a Monday. + + *** + +An employer pleading for an applicant before the Egham Tribunal stated +that he had an oil-engine which nobody else would go near. We cannot +help thinking that much might be done with a little tact, such as going +up to the engine quietly and stroking its face, or even making a noise +like a piece of oily waste. + + *** + +Germany's new Hymn of Hate has been published. To give greater effect to +the thing and make it more fearful, Germans who contemplate singing it +are requested to grow side-whiskers. + + *** + +It is rumoured that since his recent tirade at York against newspapers +Dr. LYTTELTON has been made an Honorary Member of the Society of +Correctors of the Press. + + *** + +_The Evening News_ informs us that Mr. HENRY WHITE, a grave-digger of +Hellingly, has just dug his thousandth grave. Congratulations to our +contemporary upon being the first to spread the joyful news. + + *** + +Unfortunately, says _The Daily Mail_, Lord NORTHCLIFFE cannot be in four +places at once. Pending a direct contradiction from the new Viscount +himself, we can only counsel the country to bear this announcement with +fortitude. + + *** + +Only the other day _The Daily Chronicle_ referred to the Premier as "Mr. +George," just as if it had always been a penny paper. + + *** + +The rush to a certain Northern suburb has died down. The rumour that +there was a polite grocer there turns out to be cruelly at variance with +the facts. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JOY-RIDING UP-TO-DATE. + +THE UNDEFEATED WAR-PROFITEER.] + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER SEX-PROBLEM. + + "Plaintiff was the daughter of an officer in the Royal Irish + Constabulary, and was a grand-nephew of Dr. Abernethy, the famous + surgeon."--_Evening Paper_. + + * * * * * + +From a recent novel:-- + + "His face was of the good oatmeal type, and grew upon one." + +Useful in these days of rations. + + + * * * * * +From _The New Statesman's_ comment on Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S Paris speech. + + "He does try to be Biblical sometimes. In the Paris speech he used + the unnatural word 'yea' twice. Each time it gave one shudders down + the back." + +No doubt next time, in view of our obligations to U.S.A., the PRIME +MINISTER will say "Yep." + + * * * * * + +THE VICTORY. + +[_For J.B., with the author's affectionate pride._] + +HINDENBURG TO MACKENSEN. + + Dear MAC, in that prodigious thrust + In which your valiant legions vie + With HANNIBAL'S renown, I trust + You go a shade more strong than I; + Lately I've lost a lot of scalps, + Which is a dem'd unpleasant thing; + You may enjoy the Julian Alps-- + I do not like this JULIAN BYNG. + + I find him full of crafty pranks: + Without the usual warning fire + He loosed his beastly rows of tanks + And sent 'em wallowing through my wire; + For days and days he kept the lid + Hard down upon his low designs, + Then simply walked across and did + Just what he liked with all my lines. + + The fellow doesn't keep the rules; + Experts (I'm one myself) advise + That in trench-warfare even fools + Cannot be taken by surprise; + It isn't done; and yet he came + With never a previous "Are you there?" + And caught me--this is not the game-- + Bending my thoughtful gaze elsewhere. + + _Later_.--My route is toward the rear. + Where I shall stand and stop the rot + Lord only knows; and now I hear + Your forward pace is none too hot; + Indeed, with BYNG upon the burst, + If at this rate I make for home, + I doubt not who will get there first, + I to the Rhine, or you to Rome. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE LITERARY ADVISER. + +No, he does not appear in the _Gazette_. War establishments know him +not and his appointment throws no additional labour upon the staff of +Messrs. COX AND CO. Unofficially he is known as O.C. Split Infinitives. +His duties are to see that the standard of literary excellence, which +makes the correspondence of the Corps a pleasure to receive, is +maintained at the high level set by the Corps Commander himself. Indeed +the velvety quality of our prose is the envy of all other formations. + +Apart from duties wholly literary, he is also O.C. Code Names. The +stock-in-trade for this skilled labour is an H.B. pencil and a Webster +Dictionary. The routine is simplicity itself. As soon as anybody informs +him of a new arrival in the area he fishes out the dictionary, plays +Tit-Tat-Toe with the H.B., writes out the word that it lands upon at the +end of his rhyme, and, hey presto! there is another day's work done. + +But one day, for the sake of greater secrecy, it became necessary to +rename all the units of the area, and the Literary Adviser suddenly +found himself put to it to provide about three hundred new Code Names at +once. Heroically he set to work with his dictionary, his H.B. pencil, +and his little rhyme. For two days the Resplendent Ones in the General +Staff Office bore patiently with the muttering madman in the corner. +For two days he fluttered the leaves of his dictionary and +whispered hoarsely to himself, "Tit-tat-toe, my-first-go, +three-jolly-nigger-boys-all-in-a-_row_," picking out word after word +with unerring accuracy until the dictionary was a waste of punctures and +three generations of H.B.'s had passed away. Before the second day was +out the jingle had done its dreadful work. It was as much as the clerks +could do to avoid keeping step with it. The climax came when the Senior +Resplendent One, looking down at the telegram he was writing, found to +his horror that he had written, "Situation quiet Tit-Tat-Toe. Hostile +artillery activity normal Tit-Tat-Toe," and so on, substituting this +abomination in place of the official stop, ("Ack-Ack-Ack") throughout. + +It was enough. Still gibbering, the Literary Adviser was hurled forth +from the office and told to work his witchcraft in solitude. + +Paler, thinner and older by years he emerged from his retirement +triumphant, and the new code names went forth to a flourish of trumpets +or rather of the hooters of the despatch-riders. + +Then it began. For days he was subjected to rigorous criticisms of his +selection. "Signals" tripped him up first by pointing out two units with +the same name, and they also went on to point out that the word was +spelt "cable" in the first instance and "cabal" in the second. The +gunners, working in groups, complained bitterly that a babel had arisen +through the similarity of the words allotted to their groups. One +infuriated battery commander said it was as much as he could do to get +anyone else on the telephone but himself. + +Touched to the quick by criticism (when was it ever otherwise amongst +his kind?) the Adviser set aside his real work (he was, of course, +writing a book about the War) and applied himself to, the task of +straightening the tangle. Obviously the ideal combination would be for +each unit to have a code name that nobody could mistake no matter how +badly it was pronounced. And to this ideal he applied himself. Often, on +fine afternoons, the serenity of the country-side was disturbed by the +voice of one crying in the wilderness, "Soap--Silk--Salvage--Sympathy," +to see if any dangerous similarity existed. At dinner a glaze would +suddenly come over his eyes, his lips would move involuntarily and +mutter, as he gazed into vacancy, "Mustard--Mutton--Meat--Muffin." + +Histrionic effort played no small part in these attempts and +led to a good deal of misunderstanding, for he felt it incumbent +on him to try his codes in every possible dialect. Instead of +the usual cheery "Good morning," a major of a famous Highland +regiment was scandalised by an elderly subaltern blethering out, +"Cannibal--Custard--Claymore--Caramel," in an abominable Scotch accent. +Another day (on receipt of written orders) he was compelled to visit the +line to see if things had been built as reported, or, if it was just +optimism again. Half-an-hour later a sentry brought him down the trench +at the point of the bayonet for muttering as he rounded the traverse, +"Galoot--Gunning--Grumble--Grumpy," in pseudo-Wessex. Naturally, to +Native Yorkshire this sounded like pure Bosch. + +Ah! but he won through in the end. The man who has stood five years of +unsuccessful story-writing for magazines is not the kind to let himself +be beaten easily. There could be no doubt of the final result. When the +revised list was issued the response to the inquiry, "Hullo, is that +Sink?" was met by a "No, this is Smack," that crashed through the +thickest intellect. + +But vaulting ambition had o'erleapt itself. As a covering note to the +new issue he had put up the following letter:-- + +"Ref. G K etc., etc., of 10th inst. On November 3rd all previous issues +of Code Names will be cancelled in favour of the more euphonious +nomenclature which is forwarded herewith." + +A shriek of joy echoed through the corps. "Euphonious!" What a word! +What a discovery in a foreign country! The joy of the signal operators, +on whom something of the spirit of the old-time bus-drivers has +descended, was indescribable. You had only to pick up the receiver at +any time and the still small voices of the busy signal world could be +heard chortling, "Hullo-oo? Hullo, Euphonious! How's your father? +Yes, give me Crump." Or, "No, I can't get the General; he's left his +euphonious receiver off." + +Poor Euphonious (he has never been called by anything else since)--they +have threatened to make him O.C. Recreations for Troops. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BIRDS OF ILL OMEN. + +MR. PUNCH. "ONLY GOT HIM IN THE TAIL, SIR." + +THE MAN FROM WHITEHALL. "YES, BUT I MEAN TO GET THE NEXT ONE IN THE +NECK."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mistress_. "I HOPE YOU'RE DOING WHAT YOU CAN TO +ECONOMISE THE FOOD." + +_Cook_. "OH, YES'M. WE'VE PUT THE CAT ON MILK-AN'-WATER."] + + * * * * * + +PARS WITH A PUNCH. + +ALL THE REAL NEWS ABOUT MEN, WOMEN AND THINGS. + +BY OUR RAMBLING GOSSIP. + +_(With acknowledgments to some of our contemporaries.)_ + +_A Long-Felt Want._ + + +The opening, next week, of a Training School for Bus and Tube Travellers +will, it is hoped, supply a long-felt want in the Metropolis. I +understand that a month's course at the establishment will enable the +feeblest of mortals to hold his own and more in the fearful mêlée that +rages daily round train and vehicle. I have a prospectus before me as +I write; here are some of its sub-heads: "The Strap-Hanger's +Stranglehold," "Foot Frightfulness," "How to Enter a Bus Secretly," "The +Umbrella Barrage," "Explosives--When their Use is Justified," "What to +do when the Conductor Falls off the Bus." This certainly promises a +speedy amelioration of present-day travelling conditions. + + +_Timbuctoo Tosh_. + +Last week, when all those ridiculous rumours anent Timbuctoo were flying +about, you will remember how I warned you to set no faith in them. You +will admit that I was a good counsellor. Nothing _has_ happened at +Timbuctoo. I doubt very much whether anything _could_ happen there. + + +_Hush!_ + +On the other hand, keep your eye on a spot not a thousand miles away +from Clubland. Something will certainly happen there some day, and, when +it does, bear in mind that I warned you. + + +_Amazing Discovery._ + +Mr. ROOSEVELT'S discovery that, unknown to himself, he has been blind in +one eye for over a year, is surely surpassed by the experience of Mr. +Caractacus Crowsfeet, the popular M.P. for Slushington, who has just +learnt, as the result of a cerebral operation, that he possesses no +brain whatever. "It is indeed remarkable," said Mr. C. to me the other +day, "for I can truthfully assert that in all my arduous political +labours of the past ten years I have never felt the need or even +noticed the absence of this organ." He coughed modestly. "I have always +maintained that in politics it is the man, not the mind, that counts." + + +_She Has One!_ + +Mrs. Zebulon Napthaliski proposes to spend the winter on her Brighton +estate. "Yes--I _have_ received my sugar card," she told me, in answer +to my eager query. "More than that I cannot say." + + +_Fare and Foliage._ + +That charming fashion of decorating the dinner-table with foliage will +be all the rage this winter. Well-known London hostesses, basket on arm, +may daily be seen in Mayfair garnering fallen leaves from lawn, path or +roadside. Some very daring Society women are dispensing altogether with +a cloth, the table being covered with a complete layer of leaves. I +doubt, however, whether this will become popular, guests showing a +tendency to mislay their knives and forks in the foliage. + + +_A Bon Mot._ + +Have you heard the latest _bon mot_ that is going the round of the +clubs? Mrs. Savory Beet, of Pacifist fame, has, as you will recall, +announced her intention of taking up war work. "Ah!" was the comment of +a cynical bachelor, "it was a case of her taking up something or being +taken up herself!" His audience simply screamed with laughter. + + * * * * * + +_Watch Out!_ + +Don't be surprised if you hear of some sensational political +developments in the near future. The Minister who said recently that +the inevitable sequel to war was peace, was, in the opinion of those +competent to judge but, by reason of their official position, unable to +criticise, hinting at proposals which, if the signs and portents of the +time go for anything, would have far-reaching effects on the question of +Electoral Representation. I will say no more. Time alone will disclose +my meaning. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Urchin (with an inborn terror of the Force)._ "Oo, +MUVVER! IT WON'T, WILL IT?"] + + * * * * * + +OMINOUS. + + "----went every morning to a firm of sausage-makers by whom he was + employed as a horse-dealer."--_Irish Paper_. + + * * * * * + +"Rome, Saturday. + + "The announcement is made to-day of the award by the King [of Italy] + of gold medals to Lieutenant Giuseppe Castruccio and I sentence him + to three months' hard."--_Manchester Evening Chronicle_. + +When will British journalists learn not to interfere with the internal +affairs of friendly nations? + + * * * * * + +THE LAST MATCH. + + This is the last, the very, very last. + Its gay companions, who so snugly lay + Within the corners of their fragile home, + All, all are lightly fled and surely gone; + And their survivor lingers in his pride, + The last of all the matches in the house; + For Mr. Siftings says he has no more, + And Siftings is an honourable man, + And would not state a fact that was not so. + For now he has himself to do without + The flaming boon of matches, having none, + And cannot furnish us as he desires, + Being a grocer and the best of men, + But murmurs vaguely of a future week + When matches shall be numerous again + As leaves in Vallombrosa and as cheap. + Blinks, the tobacconist, he too is spent + With weary waiting in a matchless land; + What Siftings cannot get cannot be got + By men like Blinks, that young tobacconist, + Who tried with all a patriot's fiery zeal + To join the Army, but was sent away + For varicose and too protuberant veins; + And being foiled of all his high intent + Now minds the shop and is a Volunteer, + Drilling on Sundays with the rest of them; + He too, amid his hoards of cigarettes, + Is void of matches as he's full of veins. + So here's a good match in a naughty world, + And what to do with it I do not know, + Save that somehow, when all the place is still, + It shall explode and spurt and flame and burn + Slowly away, not having thus achieved + The lighting of a pipe or any act + Of usefulness, but having spent itself + In lonely grandeur as befits the last + Of all the varied matches I have known. + + * * * * * + +OUR SAMSONS. + + "Wanted at once.--Reliable Man for carrying off motor + lorry."--_Clitheroe Advertiser_. + + * * * * * + + "To-day the man possesses a second tumb, serviceable for all + ordinary purposes."--_Belfast Evening Telegraph_. + +In these days of restricted rations it seems a superflous luxury. + + * * * * * + + "Diamond Brooch, 15 cwt., set with three blue white diamonds; make a + handsome present; £9 9s."--_Derby Daily Telegraph_. + +It seems a lot for the money; but personally we would sooner have the +same weight of coals. + + * * * * * + +THE WAY DOWN. + +SYDNEY SMITH, or NAPOLEON or MARCUS AURELIUS (somebody about that time) +said that after ten days any letter would answer itself. You see what +he meant. Left to itself your invitation from the Duchess to lunch next +Tuesday is no longer a matter to worry about by Wednesday morning. You +were either there or not there; it is unnecessary to write now and say +that a previous invitation from the PRIME MINISTER--and so on. It was +NAPOLEON'S idea (or Dr. JOHNSON'S or MARK ANTONY'S--one of that circle) +that all correspondence can be treated in this manner. + +I have followed these early Masters (or whichever one it was) to the +best of my ability. At any given moment in the last few years there have +been ten letters that I absolutely _must_ write, thirty which I _ought_ +to write, and fifty which any other person in my position _would_ have +written. Probably I have written two. After all, when your profession +is writing, you have some excuse on returning home in the evenings for +demanding a change of occupation. No doubt if I were a coal-heaver by +day, my wife would see to the fire after dinner while I wrote letters. +As it is, she does the correspondence, while I gaze into the fire and +think about things. + +You will say, no doubt, that this was all very well before the War, but +that in the Army a little writing would be a pleasant change after the +day's duties. Allow me to disillusion you. If, three years ago, I ever +conceived a glorious future in which my autograph might be of value to +the more promiscuous collectors, that conception has now been shattered. +Three years in the Army has absolutely spoilt the market. Even were +I revered in the year 2,000 A.D. as SHAKSPEARE is revered now, my +half-million autographs, scattered so lavishly on charge-sheets, passes, +chits, requisitions, indents and applications would keep the price at a +dead level of about ten a penny. No, I have had enough of writing in +the Army and I never want to sign my own name again. "Yours sincerely, +HERBERT ASQUITH," "Faithfully yours, J. JELLICOE"--these by all means; +but not my own. + +However, I wrote a letter the other day; it was to the bank. It informed +them that I had arrived in London for a time and should be troubling +them again shortly, London being to all appearances an expensive place. +It also called attention to my new address--a small furnished flat in +which Celia and I can just turn round if we do it separately. When +it was written, there came the question of posting it. I was all for +waiting till the next morning, but Celia explained that there was +actually a letter-box on our own floor, twenty yards down the passage. I +took the letter along and dropped it into the slit. + +Then a wonderful thing happened. It went + +_Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty- +flipperty-flipperty-flipperty--FLOP._ + +I listened intently, hoping for more ... but that was all. Deeply +disappointed that it was over, but absolutely thrilled with my +discovery, I hurried back to Celia. + +"Any letters you want posted?" I said in an off-hand way. + +"No, thank you," she said. + +"Have you written any while we've been here?" + +"I don't think I've had anything to write." + +"I think," I said reproachfully, "it's quite time you wrote to +your--your bank or your mother or somebody." + +She looked at me and seemed to be struggling for words. + +"I know exactly what you're going to say," I said, "but don't say it; +write a little letter instead." + +"Well, as a matter of fact I _must_ just write a note to the laundress." + +"To the laundress," I said. "Of course, just a note." + +When it was written I insisted on her coming with me to post it. With +great generosity I allowed her to place it in the slit. A delightful +thing happened. It went + +_Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty- +flipperty-flipperty-flipperty--FLOP._ + +Right down to the letter-box in the hall. Two flipperties a floor. (A +simple calculation shows that we are perched on the fifth floor. I am +glad now that we live so high. It must be very dull to be on the fourth +floor with only eight flipperties, unbearable to be on the first with +only two.) + +"_O-oh!_ How _fas_-cinating!" said Celia. + +"Now don't you think you ought to write to your mother?" + +"Oh, I _must_." + +She wrote. We posted it. It went + +_Flipperty-flipperty_----However, you know all about that now. + +Since this great discovery of mine, life has been a more pleasurable +business. We feel now that there are romantic possibilities about +letters setting forth on their journey from our floor. To start life +with so many flipperties might lead to anything. Each time that we send +a letter off we listen in a tremble of excitement for the final FLOP, +and when it comes I think we both feel vaguely that we are still +waiting for something. We are waiting to hear some magic letter go +_flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty_ ... and behold! there is +no FLOP ... and still it goes on--_flipperty-flipperty-flipperty- +flipperty_--growing fainter in the distance ... until it arrives at +some wonderland of its own. One day it must happen so. For we cannot +listen always for that FLOP, and hear it always; nothing in this world +is as inevitable as that. One day we shall look at each other with awe +in our faces and say, "But it's still flipperting!" and from that time +forward the Hill of Campden will be a place holy and enchanted. Perhaps +on Midsummer Eve-- + +At any rate I am sure that it is the only way in which to post a letter +to Father Christmas. + +Well, what I want to say is this: if I have been a bad correspondent in +the past I am a good one now; and Celia, who was always a good one, is +a better one. It takes at least ten letters a day to satisfy us, and we +prefer to catch ten different posts. With the ten in your hand together +there is always a temptation to waste them in one wild rush of +flipperties, all catching each other up. It would be a great moment, but +I do not think we can afford it yet; we must wait until we get even more +practised at letter-writing. And even then I am doubtful; for it might +be that, lost in the confusion of that one wild rush, the magic letter +would start on its way--_flipperty-flipperty_--to the never-land, and we +should forever have missed it. + +So, friends, acquaintances, yes, and even strangers. I beg you now to +give me another chance. I will answer your letters, how gladly. I +still think that NAPOLEON (or CANUTE or the younger PLINY--one of the +pre-Raphaelites) took a perfectly correct view of his correspondence ... +but then _he_ Never had a letter-box which went + +_Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty- +flipperty-flipperty-flipperty--FLOP._ + +A.A.M. + + * * * * * + +THE H.D. AND Q. DEPARTMENT. + + "Major-General F.G. Bond is gazetted Director of Quartering at the + War Office." + +Pacifists beware! + + * * * * * + + "DIRTY WORK AT DOWNING STREET. BY HORATIO BOTTOMLEY." + + _John Bull._ + +They shouldn't have let him in. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer._ "WHY WERE YOU NOT AT ROLL-CALL LAST NIGHT?" + +_Defaulter._ "WELL, SIR, WITH THIS 'ERE CAMP CAMOUFLAGED SO MUCH, I +COULDN'T FIND MY WAY OUT OF THE CANTEEN."] + +COUNTER TACTICS. + +About a year ago I paid a visit to my hosier and haberdasher with +the intention of purchasing a few things with which to tide over +the remaining months of winter. After the preliminary discussion of +atmospherics had been got through, the usual raffle of garments was +spread about for my inspection. I viewed it dispassionately. Then, +discarding the little vesties of warm-blooded youth and the double-width +vestums of rheumatic old age, I chose several commonplace woollen +affairs and was preparing to leave when my hosier and haberdasher leaned +across the counter and whispered in my ear. + +"If I may advise you, Sir, you would be wise to make a large selection +of these articles. We do not expect to replace them." + +He glanced cautiously at an elderly gentleman who was stirring up a box +of ties, then, lowering his voice another semitone, added, "The mills +are now being used exclusively for Government work." He insinuated the +death-sentence effect very cleverly, and at that moment, coming to his +support, as it were, the old gentleman tottered up, seized upon two +garments and carried them off from under my very fingers. As he went out +a middle-aged lady entered and made straight for the residue upon the +counter. A feeling of panic came upon me. "Right you are," I exclaimed +hurriedly, "I'll take the lot." As a matter of fact she only wanted a +pair of gloves for her nephew in France. + +A few days later, still having the wool shortage in mind, I approached +my hosier and haberdasher on the subject of shirts. For a second or two +he looked thoughtfully at the toe of his boot. Then coming suddenly to a +decision he disappeared stealthily into the back premises, from which +he presently emerged carrying a large bale of flannel, which he cast +caber-wise upon the counter. + +"There," he said triumphantly, "I don't suppose there's another piece of +flannel like that in the country." He fingered it with an expert touch. + +"You don't say so," I said as I rubbed it reverently between my finger +and thumb, just to show that he wasn't the only one who could do it. + +"I'm afraid it's only too true," he confessed, "and I may add that, +after we have sold out our present stocks, flannel of any kind will be +absolutely unobtainable." + +"None at all?" I asked, horror-struck at the vision of my public life in +1920--a bow cravat over a double-width vestum. + +He shook his head and smiled wisely. + +I am instinctively against hoarding, but I knew that if I did not buy it +Jones would, and then some fine day, when nobody else had a shirt left, +he would swagger about and make my life intolerable. This decided me and +I bought the piece. + +A few days later it occurred to me that it might be advisable to lay +down some socks. My idea was in perfect unison with that of my hosier +and haberdasher. Socks were going to be unprocurable in a few months. I +patted myself on the back and bought up the 1916 vintage of Llama-Llama +footwear. The following week thirty-seven shirts arrived and I had to +buy a new chest-of-drawers. + +This, as I have stated before, was about a year ago. Yesterday I paid my +hosier and haberdasher another visit. If all the bone factories had not +been too exclusively engaged, etc., etc., I wished to buy a collar stud. +There was an elderly man standing in the shop. He was quite alone, +contemplating a mountain of garments. There were little vesties, +double-width vestums, and ordinary woollen affairs. + +You could have knocked me over with a dress-sock. + +And where was my hosier and haberdasher? Had the stranger--just awakened +to the value of his possessions--entered the shop and suddenly cast all +this treasure upon the counter? I imagined the shock of this procedure +on a man like my hosier and haberdasher, whose heart was perhaps a +trifle woolly. Had he collapsed? I glanced surreptitiously behind a +parapet of clocked socks. + +A moment later, from somewhere in the back premises, he appeared +carrying a large bale of flannel, which he cast caber-wise upon the +counter. I was dumbfounded. + +Then I knew the truth. + +"Sir," I said, turning to the stranger, "I believe you are about to make +a selection from these articles (I indicated them individually), which +you imagine to be the last of their race?" + +He nodded at me in a bewildered sort of way. + +"In a few months," I continued remorselessly, "they will be absolutely +unprocurable" (he gave a start of recognition), "and you, having bought +them, will sneak through life with the feelings of a food-hoarder, +mingled with those of the man who slew the last Camberwell Beauty. +I know the state of mind. But you need not distress yourself. These +garments (I indicated them again) will only be unprocurable because they +are in your possession. I have about half-a-ton myself, which, until a +few minutes age, would have been quite unprocurable. But I have changed +my mind and, if you will come with me, you can take your choice with +a clear conscience, and (I glanced maliciously at my faded hosier and +haberdasher) at the prices which were prevalent a year ago." + +I linked my arm with that of the stranger, and together we passed out of +the shop into the unpolluted light of day. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mother (to child who has been naughty)._ "AREN'T YOU +RATHER ASHAMED OF YOURSELF?" + +_Child._ "WELL, MOTHER, I WASN'T. BUT NOW THAT YOU'VE SUGGESTED IT I +AM."] + + * * * * * + +PRETENDING. + + I know a magic woodland with grassy rides that ring + To strange fantastic music and whirr of elfin wing, + There all the oaks and beeches, moss-mantled to the knees, + Are really fairy princes pretending to be trees. + + I know a magic moorland with wild winds drifting by, + And pools among the peat-hags that mirror back the sky; + And there in golden bracken the fronds that toss and turn + Are really little people pretending to be fern. + + I wander in the woodland, I walk the magic moor; + Sometimes I meet with fairies, sometimes I'm not so sure; + And oft I pause and wonder among the green and gold + If I am not a child again--pretending to be old. + +W.H.O. + + * * * * * + +It is understood that the FOOD-CONTROLLER has protested against the +forcible feeding of hunger-strikers. If they want to commit the Yappy +Dispatch, why shouldn't they? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ST. GEORGE OUT-DRAGONS THE DRAGON. [With Mr. Punch's +jubilant compliments to Sir DOUGLAS HAIG and his Tanks.]] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, November 19th._--Such a rush of Peers to the House of Commons +has seldom been seen. Lord WIMBORNE, who knows something of congested +districts, arrived early and secured the coveted seat over the clock. +Lord CURZON, holding a watching brief for the War Cabinet, was only just +in time to secure a place; and Lord COURTNEY and several others found +"standing room only." If we have many more crises Sir ALFRED MOND will +have to make provision for strap-hangers. + +There was very little sign of passion in Mr. ASQUITH'S measured +criticism of the Allied Council and of the PRIME MINISTER'S speech on +the subject in Paris. His foil was carefully buttoned, and though it +administered a shrewd thrust now and again it was not intended to draw +blood. + +At first the PRIME MINISTER followed this excellent example, and +contented himself with defending, and incidentally re-composing, his +Paris oration. The Allied Council, as now depicted, was a horse of +quite another colour from what it seemed in Paris. A further example of +_camouflage_, I suppose. + +Only when he came to deal with his Press critics did he let himself go, +to the delight of the House, which loves him in his swashbuckling mood. +As he confessed, however, that he had deliberately made "a disagreeable +speech" in Paris in order to get it talked about, the Press will +probably consider itself absolved. + +_Tuesday, November 20th._--Like John Bull, as represented in last week's +cartoon, Lord LAMINGTON has arrived at the conclusion that compulsory +rationing must come, and the sooner the better. Lord RHONDDA, however, +is still hopeful that John will tighten his own belt, and save him the +trouble. "More Yapping and Less Biting" should be our motto. But if we +fail to live up to it, the machinery for compulsory rationing is all +ready. Indeed, according to Lord DEVONPORT, it has been ready since +April last, when an "S.O.S." to the local authorities was on the point +of being sent, but a timely increase in imports stopped it. + +Nobody doubts Commander WEDGWOOD'S essential patriotism; he has proved +it like a knight of old on his body; but he is unfortunate in some of +his political associates, who take advantage of his good-nature. A book +with a preface by himself had been seized by the police on suspicion of +being seditious, and he loudly demanded to be prosecuted. But Sir GEORGE +CAVE was not inclined to set up a legal presumption that the writer of a +preface is responsible for the rest of the book. If he were, a good many +"forewords" would, I imagine, never have been written. + +_Wednesday, November 21st._--By a strange oversight the Royal Marines +were not specifically mentioned in the recent Vote of Thanks to the +Services. Apparently the fact that this country is proud of them is one +of those things that must not be told to the Marines. But Dr. MACNAMARA +assured the House that the omission should now be repaired. + +[Illustration: "His foil was carefully buttoned." + +MR. ASQUITH.] + +There has been a shortage of provisions in the city where _Lady Godiva_ +suffered from a shortage of clothes. Mr. CLYNES was prompt with a +remedy. A representative of the FOOD-CONTROLLER has already been sent to +Coventry. + +Conscientious Objectors found a doughty champion in Lord HUGH CECIL. +Rarely has an unpopular case been fortified with a greater wealth of +legal, historical and ethical argument. Only once, when he accused Mr. +BONAR LAW of holding the same doctrine as Herr BETHMANN-HOLLWEG, did he +lose, for a moment, the sympathy of his audience. But he soon recovered +himself, and thereafter held the House rapt with Cecilian harmonies. + +To such a lofty plane, indeed, had the debate been lifted that Mr. +RONALD MCNEILL, tall as he is, had some difficulty in bringing it down +to earth again; and when the division was called the spell was still +working, and in a very big House the "Conchies" only lost their votes by +thirty-eight. + +_Thursday, November 22nd._--Pending the introduction of the promised +censorship of Parliamentary Questions, Mr. JOSEPH KING is working +overtime. No story is too fantastically impossible to find a shelter +under his hospitable hat. To-day it was a secret treaty between the +Russian Government (old style) and the French Republic, by which Belgium +was to be compensated at the expense of Holland. Lord ROBERT CECIL +denounced it as an invention of the enemy. But I don't suppose the +denial had the smallest effect upon Mr. KING, who probably went off and +dined heartily on a magnum of mare's-nest soup. + +A tremendous accession to the ranks of the Sinn Feiners has been +narrowly averted. When Members read the menu which, according to Major +NEWMAN, the Irish Government has adopted for political prisoners--three +good square meals a day, including an egg, ten ounces of meat, a pound +and a half of bread, two pints and a half of milk, and real butter--they +were strongly minded to enlist under Mr. DE VALERA'S banner and get +themselves arrested forthwith. But Mr. DUKE'S emphatic denial shattered +their dream of repletion at the taxpayers' expense. + +A final attempt to get proportional representation included in the +Franchise Bill was heavily defeated. In a dashing attempt to save it Sir +MARK SYKES declared that the old Eatanswill methods of electioneering +had gone for ever--"no mouth was large enough to kiss thirty thousand +babies." But the majority of the House seemed to be more impressed by +the self-sacrificing argument of that eminent temperance advocate, Sir +THOMAS WHITTAKER, who feared that "P.R." would lead to an increase in +"milk-and-water politicians." + + * * * * * + +ALWAYS SOMETHING NEW FROM AFRICA. + + "A Belgian East African communiqué says that before the converging + advance of the Anglo-German Belgian columns, the enemy retired to + the south bank of the Kilimbero."--_Mombasa Times._ + +We seem to have met some of these Anglo-German columns in the Pacifist +Press. + + "Our machines then bombed the General, in which the + German Head-quarters at Constantinople are reported to be + situated."--_Times._ + +The General must have been stout, even for a German. + + "Not having regained consciousness the police are left with little + tangible evidence to work upon."--_Daily Telegraph._ + +Let us hope they will soon come to. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HOW TO UTILISE OUR SKILLED CRAFTSMEN. + +_First Lieutenant._ "WHAT WAS THIS MAN BEFORE HE JOINED?" + +_Petty Officer._ "OPTICIAN, SIR." + +_First Lieutenant._ "WHAT HAD WE BETTER GIVE HIM TO DO?" + +_Petty Officer._ "THERE'S THEM PRISMATIC SPOTTING GLASSES, SIR. THE +LEATHER STRAP IS BROKEN OFF THEM. HE COULD SPLICE IN A PIECE O' COD +LINE."] + + * * * * * + +_LE POILU DE CARCASSONNE._ + + THE _poilus_ of France on the Western Front are brave as brave can be, + Whether they hail from rich Provence or from ruined Picardie; + It's the self-same heart from the lazy Loire and the busy banks of Seine, + Undaunted by perpetual mud or cold or gas or pain; + And all are as gay as men know how whose wealth and friends are gone, + But the gayest of all is a little white dog that came from Carcassonne. + + He was brought as a pup by a _Midi_ man to a sector along the Aisne, + But his man laid the wire one pitch-black night and never came back again. + The pup stood by with one ear down and the other a question mark, + And at times he licked his dead friend's face and at times he tried to bark, + Till the listening sentry heard the sound, and when the daylight shone + He looked abroad and cried, "_Bon Guieu! C'est le poilu de Carcassonne!_" + + So the dead man's _copains_ kept the dog on the strength of the company. + And whoever went short it was not the pup, though a greedy pup was he; + They gave him their choicest bits of _sinje_ and drops of _pinard_ too; + He was warm and safe when he crept beneath a cloak of horizon-blue; + They clipped fresh _brisques_ in his rough white coat as the weary months + dragged on, + And all the sector knows him now as _le Poilu de Carcassonne_. + + And in return he keeps their hearts from that haunting foe, _l'ennui_; + He's their plaything, friend, and sentry too, and a lover of devilry; + He helps them to hunt out rats or Boches; he burrows and sniffs for mines, + And he growls when the murderous shrapnel flies screaming above the lines; + His little black nose is a-quiver with glee whenever a raid is on, + And they say with pride, "_C'est la guerre elle-même, notre Poilu de + Carcassonne!_" + + There was none more glad when they went to rest in their billet, a + ruined shack, + But when they returned to the front-line trench he was just as pleased + to be back; + He's the spirit of fun itself, and so when other men feel blue, + His friends remark, "_Le cafard, quoi? On l'connait pas chez nous!_" + So when you drink to the valiant French and the glorious fights they've won + Just raise your glass to a little white dog that came from Carcassonne. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"LOYALTY." + +If you are a pernickety intellectual (_soi-disant_) you may really +permit yourself to be faintly amused at the fiery zeal of the +mystery-wrapt author of _Loyalty_ for his (or, quite possibly, her) +country's cause in this difficult hour. If you are cast in the common +human mould that nowadays is seen for the glorious thing it is, you will +respond to many single-minded, wholesome thoughts in the impassioned +statement of his thesis. And if you happen to belong to that simple +discredited breed, the English, so long overshadowed by the nimbler +Britons, you may have quite a nice little private thrill of your own, +a thrill of pride in your precious stone, and begin to think with +seriousness of the advantages of "home rule all round" in an +England-for-the-English mood, and of the value of a nationalism that is +as irrational as conjugal or mother love--and as fine. + +The author's hero is an Englishman of the wandering type, assistant +editor on a crank paper. The play is a protracted debate in four +sessions, June, 1914; July, 1914; August, 1914; September, 1916. And +here the author makes his most serious mistake, the mistake made by Mr. +HENRY ARTHUR JONES in his recent squib. If he had contrived his Little +Navy folk, the proprietor, editor and revolving cranks as something +more than mere caricatures, brands of straw prepared for his consuming +bonfires, he would have strengthened, not weakened, his excellent case. +He has quoted his enemies' mistakes without their excuses, their texts +without their contexts. And that is a form of propaganda which can only +touch the converted, or such of them as are not stirred by a sporting +instinct to a certain mood of protest and a wish that the other fellow +should be given a better start in the heresy hunt. + +The _dramatis personae_, then, divide themselves into the men of straw +and the right sort. Of the former you have first _Sir Andrew Craig_, +chairman of the party in his constituency and editor of _The New +Standard_ (there were indeed altogether new standards of efficiency, +mentality and hospitality in that rather imaginative newspaper office of +the First Act). Mr. FISHER WHITE gave us the courtly-obstinate old man +to the life (this player has a way of removing straw). In the dramatic +passage in which, returning after being broken in a German prison, he +relates some of the horrors of which it is good for us to be reminded, +he rose to the height of his fine talent. His exquisite elocution--a +remarkable feat of virtuosity--was in itself a sheer delight. + +_Mr. Stutchbury_, the editor, pacifist and sentimental democrat, was +dealt to Mr. LENNOX PAWLE. He played his hand well. There was never such +an editor outside Bedlam; but Mr. PAWLE is a resourceful person and by a +score of clever tricks of gesture and business made a reasonable figure +of fun for our obloquy. All but broken in the end, but still claiming +that he had "the larger vision" (as he certainly had the larger +diameter), there was a certain dignity of pathos in his exit, a late +_amende_ by an otherwise remorseless puppet-maker. Mr. SYDNEY PAXTON +as a pillar of Nonconformity offered a clever study in the +unctuous-grotesque; Mr. VINCENT STERNROYD sketched a portrait of a +nut-consuming impenitent disarmamentist. The author is the first, so far +as I know, to give public emphasis to the queer fact of natural +history that there is some connection between extreme opinions and the +prominence of the Adam's apple of the holder of them--a fact on which I +have often pondered. + +Mr. M. MORAND, the aggressive Scots member of the election committee, +inspired to great heights of insobriety by the return of his +London-Scottish nephew from the Front, sounded a welcome human note, as +did Mr. SAM LIVESEY, the Labour Member of the committee, shaken out of +his detachment into an extreme explicitness of language by a Zeppelin +raid experience. Mr. GEORGE BELLAMY'S Welsh Disestablisher and Mr. +GRIFFITH HUMPHREYS' exuberant German press-agent of the pre-war period +were both really shrewd studies. + +Of the right sort there were but five--and one of these, the editor's +secretary, at heart an honest patriot, but in fact eating the bread of +shame, was perhaps not altogether of the right sort. Still he did get +off his chest at last the pent-up passion of years, and very well he did +it, with the help of Mr. RANDLE AYRTON, whose subtle little touches, +building up a picture of a disheartened hack, were very adroit indeed. + +Then there was young _Henry Craig_, at the beginning an undergraduate in +his last term, at the end a V.C. in his last resting-place. Mr. PERCIVAL +CLARKE'S was an adequate pleasant study. So also was Mr. PHILIP +ANTHONY'S of a Canadian, full of strange idioms, who butted in to just +the wrong corner of Fleet Street to put the editor wise about the +intentions of a Germany in which he had spent his last two years. And +then there was splendidly English _Frank Aylett_, exile returned, +unspoilt by the cynicism of party and paper, whose fortune came to him +just at the psychological moment, enabling him to give his proprietor +notice and fight and win a by-election in the astonied man's own +constituency, besides carrying off his daughter (Miss VIOLA TREE), who +was the fifth of the right sort. What more plausible English hero than +Mr. C. AUBREY SMITH, except that he had to talk a good deal more than +seemed appropriate to his type? There was a well-managed post-election +scene when he was at his best (as was the author). And all through there +was good and sometimes glorious sense for those to hear who had ears. + +The programme promised us about a month's interval between Acts I. and +II. It was actually less than that; but if Mr. J.H. SQUIRE's musicianly +orchestra had not been there to charm us we might conceivably have been +bored. + +T. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LIGHTER SIDE OF EDITORIAL LIFE. + +_Frank Aylett_ . . . . . . . . MR. C. AUBREY SMITH. + +_Anthea Craig_ . . . . . . . . MISS VIOLA TREE.] + + * * * * * + +MORE COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + + "FOR SALE.--A 45 H.P., 6 cyl.--Car, touring body, fitted with every + latest convenience. Exceptionally well sprung. Just purchased by + owner and run under 1,000 miles. Guaranteed over 25-galls. to the + mile by Agents. Rs. 11,000."--_Indian Paper_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DIVERSION" IN THE BALKANS.] + + * * * * * + +HEROES. + +If the question were put to a company of young women, "What is the most +thrilling experience you can have in a London street?" the odds are +a thousand to one that they would reply that nothing could be more +thrilling than to meet a famous actor in plain clothes and identify him. +I am not a young woman myself, but I should be inclined to share their +opinion. There is something about an actor in real life, moving along +like a human being--one of us--that always stirs my pulse. It is +exciting enough to see Mr. LLOYD GEORGE or Mr. ASQUITH or Sir OLIVER +LODGE; but no one stirs the imagination like an actor. + +That is why I still tremble a little whenever I think of my good fortune +the other afternoon in the Haymarket, and why my pen shakes as I +commit the adventure to paper. For I met face to face two of the most +successful actors in London--at the present moment, in the world. + +I was walking up the Haymarket in the rain, hoping, in spite of the new +prohibitive rates, that I might see an empty cab, when I met them coming +down. They were walking with a man whom I did not recognise, and, like +me, were getting wet. One thinks of successful actors as riding always +in taxis; but taxis are very rare nowadays, particularly in the wet, and +somehow it did not seem unnatural that they should be on foot. I am glad +enough that they were, or I should have missed my _frisson_; and others +would have suffered a similar loss, for the recognition was not only on +my part but on that of several passers-by, and it was instantaneous. +Indeed, I heard one lady tell her companion the name of the play they +are in and the extraordinary length of its run, and since she spoke +loudly I thought how delightful it must be to be a theatrical celebrity +and hear cordial things like that as you move about. Neither of them +paid any attention, however, although their friend showed signs that +the flattery had not escaped him; the two Illustrions (to coin a word) +merely walked on, superior to our homage, and disappeared into Charles +Street, where the stage door of His Majesty's is. + +Pouring though it was, and grovelling admirer of footlight favourites as +I am, somehow I never thought to offer either of them my umbrella. But +then one doesn't offer an umbrella to a donkey or a camel, even though +they are two of the stars of _Chu Chin Chow_. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER INJUSTICE. + +From a Sinn Fein speech:-- + + "When Ireland was silent England did not hear her cry + out."--_Wicklow News-Letter_. + + * * * * * + + "WHY SHOULD A RABBIT COST 2s. 3d.? + + "This question from a reader induces me to postpone until next week + my analysis of the high cost of onions."--_Empire News_. + +On the principle that it is better to make sure of the rabbit before +arranging about the stuffing. + + * * * * * + + "Stockholm, Tuesday. + + "News from Finland shows that the Socialist leaders have lost control + of the workmen, and all kinds of excesses are taking place. The + present Commandant at Tornea was a sailor, the head of the + passport office was a tailor, and the chief telegraphic censor a + tinker."--_Central News_. + +We miss the soldier, to say nothing of "apothecary, ploughboy, thief." + + * * * * * + + "Scholars and tragedians between them seem to have appropriated + the right to keep Shakespeare's memory green. But there are other + Richmonds in the field, humble Richmonds, not well read ... John of + Gaunt, crying that his England 'never did nor never shall lie at the + proud foot of a conqueror....'"--_The Times_. + +The writer who thus deprived the _Bastard_ in _King John_ of his famous +lines was, we infer, one of the "other Richmonds." + + * * * * * + +SUGAR. + +AN ELEGIAC ODE. + + Queen of the palate! Universal Sweet! + Gastronomy's delectable Gioconda! + Since with submission loyally I greet + And follow out the regimen of RHONDDA, + I cannot be considered indiscreet + If I essay, but never go beyond, a + Brief elegiac tribute to a sway + By sterner needs now largely swept away. + + Thy candy soothes the infant in its pram; + Thou addest mellowness to old brown sherry; + Thou glorifiest marmalade, on Cam + And Isis making breakfast-tables merry; + Thou lendest magic to the meanest jam + Compounded of the most insipid berry; + And canst convert the sourest crabs and quinces + To jellies fit for epicures and princes. + + Thou charmest unalloyed, in loaf or lumps + Or crystals; brown and moist, or white and pounded; + I never was so deeply in the dumps + That, once thy fount of sweetness I had sounded, + Courage returned not; even with the mumps + I still could view with gratitude unbounded + The navigators of heroic Spain + Who found the New World--and the sugar-cane. + + Sprinkled on buttered bread thou dost excite + In human boys insatiable cravings; + On Turkish (I regret to say) Delight + Thou lurest them to dissipate their savings, + Instead of banking them, or sitting tight, + Or buying useful books and good engravings; + And lastly, mixed with strawberries and cream, + Thou art more than a dish, thou art a dream. + + Before necessity, that knows no ruth, + Ordained thy frugal use in tea and coffee, + Some Stoics banned thee--men who in their youth + Showed an unnatural dislike of toffee; + For sweetness charms the normal human tooth, + Sweetness inspires the singer's tenderest strophe, + Since old LUCRETIUS musically chid + The curse of life--_amari aliquid_. + + _Eau sucrée_, I admit, is rather tame + Compared with beer or whisky blent with soda; + But gallant Frenchmen, experts at this game, + Commend it highly either as a _coda_ + Or prelude to their meals, and much the same + Is sherbet, which the Gaekwar of Baroda + And other Oriental satraps quaff + In preference to ale or half-and-half. + + Nor must I fail, O potent saccharin! + Thou chemic offspring of by-products coaly, + Late comer on the culinary scene, + To hail thy aid, although it may be lowly + Even compared with beet; for thou hast been + Employed in sweetening my roly-poly-- + Thou whom I once regarded as a dose + And now the active rival of glucose! + + But still I hear some jaundiced critic say, + Some rigid self-appointed _censor morum_, + "Why harp upon the pleasures of a day + When freely sweetened was each cup and jorum, + Ere stern controllers had begun to stay + The genial outflow of the _fons leporum?_ + Now sugar's scarce, and we must do without it, + Why let regretful fancy play about it?" + + True, yet it greatly goes against the grain, + Unless one has the patience of Ulysses, + Wholly and resolutely to refrain + From dwelling on the memory of past blisses; + Forbidden fruits allure the strong and sane; + Joys loved but lost are what one chiefly misses; + This is my best excuse if I deplore + "So sad, so _sweet_, the days that are no more." + + * * * * * + +'TATERS. + +SCENE: _At "The Plough and Horses_." + +"You seen Parson lately, George?" + +"Not lately I ain't, Luther." + +"Not since 'is 'taters be out o' ground?" + +"No. Finest crop in village, some do say." + +"That be right--sev'ral ton of 'em there be." + +"What to goodness do 'e want 'em all for, then? 'Im an' 's wife an' a +maid 'll never eat all them 'taters." + +"I'll tell you what 'e says to me, for 'appen 'e'll say it to you, +George, when 'e comes acrost you next. 'E says to me, 'I've growed +as many potatoes as I've had strength to grow, an' they've prospered +exceedin'ly,' 'e says, 'thank God! So if any deservin' folk in my parish +gets through wi' their own crop an' wants more later on they 'as only to +come to me, for I've growed more 'an my 'ouse'old 'll eat if they was to +eat all day.'" + +"'E be proud o' that?" + +"Fine an' proud 'e be." + +"An' yet it be some'at unfort'nate too. For all of us as is left in this +'ere parish 'as growed as many 'taters as they'll be like to need, same +as 'e. So I don't see nought but disappointment for Parson an' a lot o' +good 'taters lyin' to rot in their pies." + +"Some there be too fond o' Parson to let that 'appen. Me an' my wife +be sendin' few of ours to London ev'ry week or so. So in due season we +shall be free to go to Parson an' 'elp 'im through wi' 'is, same as 'e +wants us to. I 'ears as others is doin' some'at the same as us--fear is +as too many'll tumble to the idea, which is why I'd 'ave you keep it +fro' goin' further, George." + +"Silent as th' grave I'll be. So you're givin' your 'taters 'way to +please Parson? Yet I do allus say as 'taters what a man grows wi' sweat +of 'is own brow do beat all others in t' eatin'." + +"That may be; but us can't afford to be so mighty pernickerty in time o' +war. Nor we ain't givin' nothin 'way in manner o' speakin'. Fair market +price they gives for 'em in London. So it be somethin' in 'and in these +'ard times as well as savin' Parson from a bitter disappointment what 'e +ain't done nothin' to deserve, so far as I can see." + + * * * * * + + "Two organ grinders, aged 23 and 16, were taken to Charing Cross + Hospital to-day with bad injuries and severe shock, the result of a + barrel organ getting out of control in Rosebery-avenue."--_Evening + Paper_. + +They should try a less dangerous instrument next time. + + * * * * * + + "'Seed potatoes' means potatoes grown in Scotland or Ireland in the + year 1917, or grown in England or Wales in the year 1917 from seed + grown in Scotland or Ireland in the year 1916, which will pass + through a riddle having a 1-5/8-in. mesh, and will not pass through + a riddle having a 1-5/8-in. mesh."--_Journal of the Board of + Agriculture_. + +We ourselves cannot get through any riddle of this kind. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sergeant (instructing squad of volunteers in physical +drill)._ "THIS 'ERE HEXERCISE IS INTENDED TO 'ARDEN THE MUSCLES OF +THE STUMMICK AND MAKE IT HIMPERVIOUS TO GERMAN BULLETS HIN CASE OF +HINVASION."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_(By Mr, Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_ + +It is difficult within the ordinary limits of a review in these columns +to say all that one feels or even to express adequately one's gratitude +after reading the two volumes of Lord MORLEY'S generous and delightful +_Recollections_ (MACMILLAN). I seem to have been sitting with him in a +large and comfortable library while the great Viscount rolled me out his +mind, now breaking out into a glowing eulogy of GEORGE MEREDITH, JOSEPH +CHAMBERLAIN or LESLIE STEPHEN, or again dashing off with a few firm and +skilful strokes a portrait of JOHN MILL or HERBERT SPENCER, or some +other intellectual giant of that nineteenth century which Lord MORLEY +nobly defends and of which he himself was _grande decus columenque_. The +book is crammed with passages that arouse and maintain pleasure in +the reader and clamour for quotation on the part of the reviewer. +"Meredith," we are told, "who did not know Mill in person, once spoke to +me of him, with the confident intuition proper to imaginative genius, as +partaking of the Spinster. Disraeli, when Mill made an early speech in +Parliament, raised his eye-glass and murmured to a neighbour on the +bench, 'Ah, the Finishing Governess.'" Or we are introduced to SPENCER +at MILL'S table: "The host said to him at dessert that Grote, who was +present, would like to hear him explain one or more of his views about +the equilibration of molecules in some relation or other. Spencer, after +an instant of good-natured hesitation, complied with unbroken fluency +for a quarter-of-an-hour or more. Grote followed every word intently, +and in the end expressed himself as well satisfied. Mill, as we moved +off into the drawing-room, declared to me his admiration of a wonderful +piece of lucid exposition. Fawcett, in a whisper, asked me if I +understood a word of it, for he did not. Luckily I had no time to +answer." Or again: "Another contributor [to _The Saturday Review_] +was the important man who became Lord SALISBURY. He and I were alone +together in the editorial anteroom every Tuesday morning, awaiting our +commissions, but he too had a talent for silence, and we exchanged no +words, either now or on any future occasion." How charming a picture +is this of two shy British publicists maintaining towards one another, +against every possible discouragement, an inviolable silence. Not even +the weather could tempt them to break it. Yet the great characteristic +of this book is the large-hearted tolerance of comment and judgment +which makes it emphatically a friendly book. As such I commend it with +all the warmth in my power. + + * * * * * + +For her new story, _Missing_ (COLLINS), Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD has used her +knowledge, already proved elsewhere, of two settings, the English Lakes +and a Base Hospital somewhere in France. Also perhaps her knowledge +of human nature, though I like to think that there are not many elder +sisters so calculatingly callous as _Bridget_. The bother about her +was that she sadly wanted her attractive younger sister to marry a +sufficient establishment, not, I fear, from wholly altruistic motives. +So she was not altogether sorry when the impecunious soldier-husband, +whom _Nelly_ had personally preferred, was reported missing, thus +leaving that to chance once again open. Then, just as her plans seemed +to be prospering, word came secretly to her that there was a man +shattered and with memory lost in a base hospital who might possibly be +the brother-in-law whom she so emphatically didn't want. What happens +upon this you shall find out for yourself. Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD, as you +will notice, has no fear of a dramatic, even melodramatic, situation; +handles it, indeed, with a skill that the most popular might envy. +Thence onwards the story, perhaps a trifle slow in starting, gathers +force. The two visits to the camp at X---- (a very thin disguise for a +place that no Englishman of our time will ever forget) are admirably +vivid; the last chapters especially being as moving as anything that +Mrs. WARD has given us, whether in her popular, profound or propagandist +manner. + + * * * * * + +Lately, Mr. E.F. BENSON seems to have been devoting himself almost +wholly to chronicling the short and simple annals of the middle-aged. +With one exception, all his recent protagonists have been, if not +exactly in the sere and yellow, at least ripely mature. So that such +a title as that of his latest novel, _An Autumn Solving_ (COLLINS), +produced in me rather a feeling of familiar expectancy than of surprise. +Also when the wrapper artist clothes a volume with a picture of an +elderly gentleman obviously giving up an attractive young woman of +perhaps one-third his years it is idle to pretend that the contents +retain all the thrill of the unforeseen. Having said so much, I can let +myself go in praise (as how often before) of those qualities of insight +and gently sub-acid humour that make a BENSON novel an interlude of pure +enjoyment to the "jaded reviewer." In case the indiscreet cover may +happily have been removed before the volume reaches your hands, I do not +propose to give away the plot in any detail. The autumn sowing of course +produces a crop not exactly of wild oats, but of romantic tares that +springs in the hitherto barren heart of one _Keeling_, prosperous +tradesman, husband, father, mayor, public benefactor and baronet, +by reason of the too sympathetic damsel who types his letters and +catalogues his library. That library shows Mr. BENSON'S genius; +without it I should hardly have been able to believe in the subsequent +happenings, but, given this "secret garden," all the tragedy is +explained. I have left myself no space in which to do justice to some +admirable characterization. _Keeling's_ wife is worthy of a place in the +author's long gallery of woolly-witted matrons; while in _Silverdale_ he +has given a study of clerical futility and egotism almost savage in its +detestability, a portrait at which one laughs and shudders together. Of +course the book will have, and deserve, a huge welcome. + + * * * * * + +The union of scholarship and sympathy, enthusiasm and eloquence, is +rare; yet these qualities are to be found in perfect harmony in the +stately volume on the poets' poet which has just been published under +the style, on the cover, _Life of John Keats_, and on the title-page, +_John Keats, His Life and Poetry, His Friends, Critics and After-Fame_ +(MACMILLAN)--a volume upon which Sir SIDNEY COLVIN has been engaged ever +since his retirement from the Print Room of the British Museum, and may +be said to have been preparing to write all his days, ever since, as a +boy, he first opened the "magic casement." A book representing so long +and ardent a devotion, and written by one whose loyalties have always +been so cordially sustained and acknowledged, could not but glow; and it +is its warmth of feeling which, to my mind, peculiarly marks this very +distinguished work. It is more than a life; it is a "companion" to KEATS +so complete and understanding that one can with confidence apply to it +the abused word, "definitive." Critical essays on the poet no doubt will +continue to appear, but this is the last biographical monument likely to +be raised to him. + + * * * * * + +Your enjoyment of _The Head of the Family_ (METHUEN) may in a measure +depend upon your capacity to appreciate _William Linkhorn_ and the glory +of his "great flaming beard." To me, unhappily, _William_ was an uncouth +rustic, just that and very little else; but he possessed some mysterious +attraction for women; so, at any rate, Mrs. HENRY DUDENEY tells +me, though she does not explain to my satisfaction what it was. +_Phoebe-Louisa_ married him partly because she wanted a man to help in +her greengrocery; but what charm he had for her soon waned, and she +smote hard when she caught him philandering with _Beausire Fillery_. It +was all the lady's fault; _William_ had, so to speak, only to wave his +beard and she was at his feet. But if the hirsute feature of this story +leaves me cold it is easy enough to enjoy and admire the rest. The +_Firebraces_, spoken of here as "The Family," are most admirably drawn. +Never has the condescension of county people to those less exalted in +birth been described with more delightful irony. True that some of the +_Firebraces_ kicked over the traces and married whom they listed, but +the family as a whole was rooted deep enough to stand shocks which would +have devastated people of less assured position. The scenes of the story +are laid in and around Lewes, a part of England dear to Mrs. DUDENEY'S +heart, and of which she writes with real comprehension and devotion. + + * * * * * + +By a self-denying ordinance Mr. Punch declines, as a general rule, to +review in these columns the work of his Staff. But he may permit himself +to announce to all lovers of the gay humour of "A.A.M." that Messrs. +HODDER AND STOUGHTON have just brought out a new novel, _Once on a +Time_, by Mr. ALAN A. MILNE, with illustrations by Mr. H. M. BROCK. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CONSOLING THOUGHT. + +_Belated Traveller (surprised by a bull when taking a short cut to the +station)._ "BY JOVE! I BELIEVE I SHALL CATCH THAT TRAIN AFTER ALL."] + + * * * * * + + "Alexander had his 'Plutarch' always under his pillow."--_British + Weekly._ + +This must have been a very early edition. + + * * * * * + + "Colombo is suffering from an attack of rabies and there have been + 38 cases reported so far. In the first six months of the year 1,300 + days were destroyed."--_Singapore Free Press_. + +Let us hope that every day had its dog. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11443 *** diff --git a/11443-h/11443-h.htm b/11443-h/11443-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fe39fd0 --- /dev/null +++ b/11443-h/11443-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1606 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Nov. 28, 1917, by Various</title> +<style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .center {text-align: center;} + .author {text-align: right;} + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> +/*]]>*/ +</style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11443 ***</div> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, +Nov. 28, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen</h1> +<br /> +<br /> +<center><b>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Andy Jewell,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</b></center> +<br /> +<br /> +<hr class="full" /> +<br /> +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> +<h2>Vol. 153.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>November 28, 1917.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page359" id="page359"></a>[pg +359]</span> +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> +<p>"How the Germans never got wind of it," writes a correspondent +of the British attack on the HINDENBURG line, "is a mystery." The +failure of certain M.P.'s to ask questions about it in Parliament +beforehand may have had something to do with it.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An order has been promulgated fixing the composition of horse +chaff. The approach of the pantomime season is thought to be +responsible for it.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"We are particularly anxious," writes the Ministry of Food, +"that Christmas plum-puddings should not be kept for any length of +time." A Young Patriots' League has been formed, we understand, +whose members are bent on carrying out Lord RHONDDA'S wishes at any +cost to their parents.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Another birthplace of ST. GEORGE has been captured in Palestine. +It is now definitely established that the sainted warrior's habit +of trying to carry-on in two places at the same time was the +subject of much adverse criticism by the military experts of the +period.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Camberley man charged with deserting the Navy and joining the +Army explained that he was tired of waiting for TIRPITZ to come +out. We are informed that Commander CARLYON BELLAIRS, M.P., and +Admiral W.H. HENDERSON have been asked to enlighten the poor fellow +as to the true state of affairs.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A skull of the Bronze Age has been found on Salisbury Plain. +Several hats of the brass age have also been seen in the +vicinity.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Imports of ostrich feathers have fallen from £33,000 in +1915 to £182 in 1917. Ostrich farmers, it appears, are on the +verge of ruin as the result of their inability to obtain scissors +and other suitable foodstuffs for the birds.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Measures are being taken to check pacifists," says Sir GEORGE +CAVE. Prison-yard measures, we hope.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Stoke Newington constable has discovered a happy method of +taking people's minds off their food troubles. During the last +month he has served fifty of them with dog-summonses.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Five hundred pounds have been sent to the CHANCELLOR OF THE +EXCHEQUER by an anonymous donor. It is thought that the man is +concealing his identity to avoid being made a baronet.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What is the use of corporations if they can do nothing useful?" +asks Councillor STOCK, of Margate. It is an alluring topic, but a +patriotic Press has decided that it must be postponed in favour of +the War.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>During trench-digging on Salisbury Plain the skeleton of a young +man, apparently buried about the year 600 B.C., was unearthed. The +skull was partially fractured, evidently by a battle-axe. Foul play +is suspected.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Sugar was sold for half-a-guinea a pound at a charity sale in +the South of England, and local grocers are complaining bitterly of +unfair competition.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A contemporary points out that there is a soldier in the North +Staffordshire Regiment whose name is DOUGLAS HAIG. Riots are +reported in Germany.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Can Fish Smell?" asks a weekly paper headline. We can only say +that in our experience they sometimes do, especially on a +Monday.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An employer pleading for an applicant before the Egham Tribunal +stated that he had an oil-engine which nobody else would go near. +We cannot help thinking that much might be done with a little tact, +such as going up to the engine quietly and stroking its face, or +even making a noise like a piece of oily waste.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Germany's new Hymn of Hate has been published. To give greater +effect to the thing and make it more fearful, Germans who +contemplate singing it are requested to grow side-whiskers.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It is rumoured that since his recent tirade at York against +newspapers Dr. LYTTELTON has been made an Honorary Member of the +Society of Correctors of the Press.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>The Evening News</i> informs us that Mr. HENRY WHITE, a +grave-digger of Hellingly, has just dug his thousandth grave. +Congratulations to our contemporary upon being the first to spread +the joyful news.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Unfortunately, says <i>The Daily Mail</i>, Lord NORTHCLIFFE +cannot be in four places at once. Pending a direct contradiction +from the new Viscount himself, we can only counsel the country to +bear this announcement with fortitude.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Only the other day <i>The Daily Chronicle</i> referred to the +Premier as "Mr. George," just as if it had always been a penny +paper.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The rush to a certain Northern suburb has died down. The rumour +that there was a polite grocer there turns out to be cruelly at +variance with the facts.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href= +"images/359.png"><img width="100%" src="images/359.png" alt= +"" /></a>JOY-RIDING UP-TO-DATE.<br /> +THE UNDEFEATED WAR-PROFITEER.</div> +<hr /> +<h4>Another Sex-Problem.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"Plaintiff was the daughter of an officer in the Royal Irish +Constabulary, and was a grand-nephew of Dr. Abernethy, the famous +surgeon."—<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<p>From a recent novel:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"His face was of the good oatmeal type, and grew upon one."</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Useful in these days of rations.</p> +<hr /> +From <i>The New Statesman's</i> comment on Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S Paris +speech.<br /> +<br /> +<blockquote> +<p>"He does try to be Biblical sometimes. In the Paris speech he +used the unnatural word 'yea' twice. Each time it gave one shudders +down the back."</p> +</blockquote> +<p>No doubt next time, in view of our obligations to U.S.A., the +PRIME MINISTER will say "Yep."</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page360" id="page360"></a>[pg +360]</span> +<h2>THE VICTORY.</h2> +<p class="center">[<i>For J.B., with the author's affectionate +pride.</i>]</p> +<p class="center">HINDENBURG TO MACKENSEN.</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Dear MAC, in that prodigious thrust</p> +<p class="i4">In which your valiant legions vie</p> +<p class="i2">With HANNIBAL'S renown, I trust</p> +<p class="i4">You go a shade more strong than I;</p> +<p class="i2">Lately I've lost a lot of scalps,</p> +<p class="i4">Which is a dem'd unpleasant thing;</p> +<p class="i2">You may enjoy the Julian Alps—</p> +<p class="i4">I do not like this JULIAN BYNG.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I find him full of crafty pranks:</p> +<p class="i4">Without the usual warning fire</p> +<p class="i2">He loosed his beastly rows of tanks</p> +<p class="i4">And sent 'em wallowing through my wire;</p> +<p class="i2">For days and days he kept the lid</p> +<p class="i4">Hard down upon his low designs,</p> +<p class="i2">Then simply walked across and did</p> +<p class="i4">Just what he liked with all my lines.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">The fellow doesn't keep the rules;</p> +<p class="i4">Experts (I'm one myself) advise</p> +<p class="i2">That in trench-warfare even fools</p> +<p class="i4">Cannot be taken by surprise;</p> +<p class="i2">It isn't done; and yet he came</p> +<p class="i4">With never a previous "Are you there?"</p> +<p class="i2">And caught me—this is not the game—</p> +<p class="i4">Bending my thoughtful gaze elsewhere.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2"><i>Later</i>.—My route is toward the rear.</p> +<p class="i4">Where I shall stand and stop the rot</p> +<p class="i2">Lord only knows; and now I hear</p> +<p class="i4">Your forward pace is none too hot;</p> +<p class="i2">Indeed, with BYNG upon the burst,</p> +<p class="i4">If at this rate I make for home,</p> +<p class="i2">I doubt not who will get there first,</p> +<p class="i4">I to the Rhine, or you to Rome.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p class="center">O.S.</p> +<hr /> +<h2>THE LITERARY ADVISER.</h2> +<p>No, he does not appear in the <i>Gazette</i>. War establishments +know him not and his appointment throws no additional labour upon +the staff of Messrs. COX AND CO. Unofficially he is known as O.C. +Split Infinitives. His duties are to see that the standard of +literary excellence, which makes the correspondence of the Corps a +pleasure to receive, is maintained at the high level set by the +Corps Commander himself. Indeed the velvety quality of our prose is +the envy of all other formations.</p> +<p>Apart from duties wholly literary, he is also O.C. Code Names. +The stock-in-trade for this skilled labour is an H.B. pencil and a +Webster Dictionary. The routine is simplicity itself. As soon as +anybody informs him of a new arrival in the area he fishes out the +dictionary, plays Tit-Tat-Toe with the H.B., writes out the word +that it lands upon at the end of his rhyme, and, hey presto! there +is another day's work done.</p> +<p>But one day, for the sake of greater secrecy, it became +necessary to rename all the units of the area, and the Literary +Adviser suddenly found himself put to it to provide about three +hundred new Code Names at once. Heroically he set to work with his +dictionary, his H.B. pencil, and his little rhyme. For two days the +Resplendent Ones in the General Staff Office bore patiently with +the muttering madman in the corner. For two days he fluttered the +leaves of his dictionary and whispered hoarsely to himself, +"Tit-tat-toe, my-first-go, +three-jolly-nigger-boys-all-in-a-<i>row</i>," picking out word +after word with unerring accuracy until the dictionary was a waste +of punctures and three generations of H.B.'s had passed away. +Before the second day was out the jingle had done its dreadful +work. It was as much as the clerks could do to avoid keeping step +with it. The climax came when the Senior Resplendent One, looking +down at the telegram he was writing, found to his horror that he +had written, "Situation quiet Tit-Tat-Toe. Hostile artillery +activity normal Tit-Tat-Toe," and so on, substituting this +abomination in place of the official stop, ("Ack-Ack-Ack") +throughout.</p> +<p>It was enough. Still gibbering, the Literary Adviser was hurled +forth from the office and told to work his witchcraft in +solitude.</p> +<p>Paler, thinner and older by years he emerged from his retirement +triumphant, and the new code names went forth to a flourish of +trumpets or rather of the hooters of the despatch-riders.</p> +<p>Then it began. For days he was subjected to rigorous criticisms +of his selection. "Signals" tripped him up first by pointing out +two units with the same name, and they also went on to point out +that the word was spelt "cable" in the first instance and "cabal" +in the second. The gunners, working in groups, complained bitterly +that a babel had arisen through the similarity of the words +allotted to their groups. One infuriated battery commander said it +was as much as he could do to get anyone else on the telephone but +himself.</p> +<p>Touched to the quick by criticism (when was it ever otherwise +amongst his kind?) the Adviser set aside his real work (he was, of +course, writing a book about the War) and applied himself to, the +task of straightening the tangle. Obviously the ideal combination +would be for each unit to have a code name that nobody could +mistake no matter how badly it was pronounced. And to this ideal he +applied himself. Often, on fine afternoons, the serenity of the +country-side was disturbed by the voice of one crying in the +wilderness, "Soap—Silk—Salvage—Sympathy," to see +if any dangerous similarity existed. At dinner a glaze would +suddenly come over his eyes, his lips would move involuntarily and +mutter, as he gazed into vacancy, +"Mustard—Mutton—Meat—Muffin."</p> +<p>Histrionic effort played no small part in these attempts and led +to a good deal of misunderstanding, for he felt it incumbent on him +to try his codes in every possible dialect. Instead of the usual +cheery "Good morning," a major of a famous Highland regiment was +scandalised by an elderly subaltern blethering out, +"Cannibal—Custard—Claymore—Caramel," in an +abominable Scotch accent. Another day (on receipt of written +orders) he was compelled to visit the line to see if things had +been built as reported, or, if it was just optimism again. +Half-an-hour later a sentry brought him down the trench at the +point of the bayonet for muttering as he rounded the traverse, +"Galoot—Gunning—Grumble—Grumpy," in +pseudo-Wessex. Naturally, to Native Yorkshire this sounded like +pure Bosch.</p> +<p>Ah! but he won through in the end. The man who has stood five +years of unsuccessful story-writing for magazines is not the kind +to let himself be beaten easily. There could be no doubt of the +final result. When the revised list was issued the response to the +inquiry, "Hullo, is that Sink?" was met by a "No, this is Smack," +that crashed through the thickest intellect.</p> +<p>But vaulting ambition had o'erleapt itself. As a covering note +to the new issue he had put up the following letter:—</p> +<p>"Ref. G K etc., etc., of 10th inst. On November 3rd all previous +issues of Code Names will be cancelled in favour of the more +euphonious nomenclature which is forwarded herewith."</p> +<p>A shriek of joy echoed through the corps. "Euphonious!" What a +word! What a discovery in a foreign country! The joy of the signal +operators, on whom something of the spirit of the old-time +bus-drivers has descended, was indescribable. You had only to pick +up the receiver at any time and the still small voices of the busy +signal world could be heard chortling, "Hullo-oo? Hullo, +Euphonious! How's your father? Yes, give me Crump." Or, "No, I +can't get the General; he's left his euphonious receiver off."</p> +<p>Poor Euphonious (he has never been called by anything else +since)—they have threatened to make him O.C. Recreations for +Troops.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page361" id="page361"></a>[pg +361]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/361.png"><img width="100%" src="images/361.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<h3>BIRDS OF ILL OMEN.</h3> +<p>MR. PUNCH. "ONLY GOT HIM IN THE TAIL, SIR."</p> +<p>THE MAN FROM WHITEHALL. "YES, BUT I MEAN TO GET THE NEXT ONE IN +THE NECK."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page362" id="page362"></a>[pg +362]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/362.png"><img width="100%" src="images/362.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<p><i>Mistress</i>. "I HOPE YOU'RE DOING WHAT YOU CAN TO ECONOMISE +THE FOOD."</p> +<p><i>Cook</i>. "OH, YES'M. WE'VE PUT THE CAT ON +MILK-AN'-WATER."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>PARS WITH A PUNCH.</h3> +<p class="center">ALL THE REAL NEWS ABOUT MEN, WOMEN AND +THINGS.<br /> +BY OUR RAMBLING GOSSIP.<br /> +<br /> +<i>(With acknowledgments to some of our contemporaries.)</i></p> +<p><i>A Long-Felt Want.</i></p> +<p>The opening, next week, of a Training School for Bus and Tube +Travellers will, it is hoped, supply a long-felt want in the +Metropolis. I understand that a month's course at the establishment +will enable the feeblest of mortals to hold his own and more in the +fearful mêlée that rages daily round train and +vehicle. I have a prospectus before me as I write; here are some of +its sub-heads: "The Strap-Hanger's Stranglehold," "Foot +Frightfulness," "How to Enter a Bus Secretly," "The Umbrella +Barrage," "Explosives—When their Use is Justified," "What to +do when the Conductor Falls off the Bus." This certainly promises a +speedy amelioration of present-day travelling conditions.</p> +<p><i>Timbuctoo Tosh</i>.</p> +<p>Last week, when all those ridiculous rumours anent Timbuctoo +were flying about, you will remember how I warned you to set no +faith in them. You will admit that I was a good counsellor. Nothing +<i>has</i> happened at Timbuctoo. I doubt very much whether +anything <i>could</i> happen there.</p> +<p><i>Hush!</i></p> +<p>On the other hand, keep your eye on a spot not a thousand miles +away from Clubland. Something will certainly happen there some day, +and, when it does, bear in mind that I warned you.</p> +<p><i>Amazing Discovery.</i></p> +<p>Mr. ROOSEVELT'S discovery that, unknown to himself, he has been +blind in one eye for over a year, is surely surpassed by the +experience of Mr. Caractacus Crowsfeet, the popular M.P. for +Slushington, who has just learnt, as the result of a cerebral +operation, that he possesses no brain whatever. "It is indeed +remarkable," said Mr. C. to me the other day, "for I can truthfully +assert that in all my arduous political labours of the past ten +years I have never felt the need or even noticed the absence of +this organ." He coughed modestly. "I have always maintained that in +politics it is the man, not the mind, that counts."</p> +<p><i>She Has One!</i></p> +<p>Mrs. Zebulon Napthaliski proposes to spend the winter on her +Brighton estate. "Yes—I <i>have</i> received my sugar card," +she told me, in answer to my eager query. "More than that I cannot +say."</p> +<p><i>Fare and Foliage.</i></p> +<p>That charming fashion of decorating the dinner-table with +foliage will be all the rage this winter. Well-known London +hostesses, basket on arm, may daily be seen in Mayfair garnering +fallen leaves from lawn, path or roadside. Some very daring Society +women are dispensing altogether with a cloth, the table being +covered with a complete layer of leaves. I doubt, however, whether +this will become popular, guests showing a tendency to mislay their +knives and forks in the foliage.</p> +<p><i>A Bon Mot.</i></p> +<p>Have you heard the latest <i>bon mot</i> that is going the round +of the clubs? Mrs. Savory Beet, of Pacifist fame, has, as you will +recall, announced her intention of taking up war work. "Ah!" was +the comment of a cynical bachelor, "it was a case of her taking up +something or being <span class="pagenum"><a name="page363" id= +"page363"></a>[pg 363]</span> taken up herself!" His audience +simply screamed with laughter.</p> +<hr /> +<p><i>Watch Out!</i></p> +<p>Don't be surprised if you hear of some sensational political +developments in the near future. The Minister who said recently +that the inevitable sequel to war was peace, was, in the opinion of +those competent to judge but, by reason of their official position, +unable to criticise, hinting at proposals which, if the signs and +portents of the time go for anything, would have far-reaching +effects on the question of Electoral Representation. I will say no +more. Time alone will disclose my meaning.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/363.png"><img width="100%" src="images/363.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<p><i>Urchin (with an inborn terror of the Force). "OO, MUVVER! +IT WON'T, WILL IT?"</i></p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h4>OMINOUS.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"——went every morning to a firm of sausage-makers by +whom he was employed as a horse-dealer."—<i>Irish +Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p class="author">"Rome, Saturday.</p> +<p>"The announcement is made to-day of the award by the King [of +Italy] of gold medals to Lieutenant Giuseppe Castruccio and I +sentence him to three months' hard."—<i>Manchester Evening +Chronicle</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>When will British journalists learn not to interfere with the +internal affairs of friendly nations?</p> +<hr /> +<h3>THE LAST MATCH.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">This is the last, the very, very last.</p> +<p class="i2">Its gay companions, who so snugly lay</p> +<p class="i2">Within the corners of their fragile home,</p> +<p class="i2">All, all are lightly fled and surely gone;</p> +<p class="i2">And their survivor lingers in his pride,</p> +<p class="i2">The last of all the matches in the house;</p> +<p class="i2">For Mr. Siftings says he has no more,</p> +<p class="i2">And Siftings is an honourable man,</p> +<p class="i2">And would not state a fact that was not so.</p> +<p class="i2">For now he has himself to do without</p> +<p class="i2">The flaming boon of matches, having none,</p> +<p class="i2">And cannot furnish us as he desires,</p> +<p class="i2">Being a grocer and the best of men,</p> +<p class="i2">But murmurs vaguely of a future week</p> +<p class="i2">When matches shall be numerous again</p> +<p class="i2">As leaves in Vallombrosa and as cheap.</p> +<p class="i2">Blinks, the tobacconist, he too is spent</p> +<p class="i2">With weary waiting in a matchless land;</p> +<p class="i2">What Siftings cannot get cannot be got</p> +<p class="i2">By men like Blinks, that young tobacconist,</p> +<p class="i2">Who tried with all a patriot's fiery zeal</p> +<p class="i2">To join the Army, but was sent away</p> +<p class="i2">For varicose and too protuberant veins;</p> +<p class="i2">And being foiled of all his high intent</p> +<p class="i2">Now minds the shop and is a Volunteer,</p> +<p class="i2">Drilling on Sundays with the rest of them;</p> +<p class="i2">He too, amid his hoards of cigarettes,</p> +<p class="i2">Is void of matches as he's full of veins.</p> +<p class="i2">So here's a good match in a naughty world,</p> +<p class="i2">And what to do with it I do not know,</p> +<p class="i2">Save that somehow, when all the place is still,</p> +<p class="i2">It shall explode and spurt and flame and burn</p> +<p class="i2">Slowly away, not having thus achieved</p> +<p class="i2">The lighting of a pipe or any act</p> +<p class="i2">Of usefulness, but having spent itself</p> +<p class="i2">In lonely grandeur as befits the last</p> +<p class="i2">Of all the varied matches I have known.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h4>OUR SAMSONS.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"Wanted at once.—Reliable Man for carrying off motor +lorry."—<i>Clitheroe Advertiser</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"To-day the man possesses a second tumb, serviceable for all +ordinary purposes."—<i>Belfast Evening Telegraph</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>In these days of restricted rations it seems a superflous +luxury.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Diamond Brooch, 15 cwt., set with three blue white diamonds; +make a handsome present; £9 9<i>s</i>."—<i>Derby Daily +Telegraph</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>It seems a lot for the money; but personally we would sooner +have the same weight of coals.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page364" id="page364"></a>[pg +364]</span> +<h2>THE WAY DOWN.</h2> +<p>SYDNEY SMITH, or NAPOLEON or MARCUS AURELIUS (somebody about +that time) said that after ten days any letter would answer itself. +You see what he meant. Left to itself your invitation from the +Duchess to lunch next Tuesday is no longer a matter to worry about +by Wednesday morning. You were either there or not there; it is +unnecessary to write now and say that a previous invitation from +the PRIME MINISTER—and so on. It was NAPOLEON'S idea (or Dr. +JOHNSON'S or MARK ANTONY'S—one of that circle) that all +correspondence can be treated in this manner.</p> +<p>I have followed these early Masters (or whichever one it was) to +the best of my ability. At any given moment in the last few years +there have been ten letters that I absolutely <i>must</i> write, +thirty which I <i>ought</i> to write, and fifty which any other +person in my position <i>would</i> have written. Probably I have +written two. After all, when your profession is writing, you have +some excuse on returning home in the evenings for demanding a +change of occupation. No doubt if I were a coal-heaver by day, my +wife would see to the fire after dinner while I wrote letters. As +it is, she does the correspondence, while I gaze into the fire and +think about things.</p> +<p>You will say, no doubt, that this was all very well before the +War, but that in the Army a little writing would be a pleasant +change after the day's duties. Allow me to disillusion you. If, +three years ago, I ever conceived a glorious future in which my +autograph might be of value to the more promiscuous collectors, +that conception has now been shattered. Three years in the Army has +absolutely spoilt the market. Even were I revered in the year 2,000 +A.D. as SHAKSPEARE is revered now, my half-million autographs, +scattered so lavishly on charge-sheets, passes, chits, +requisitions, indents and applications would keep the price at a +dead level of about ten a penny. No, I have had enough of writing +in the Army and I never want to sign my own name again. "Yours +sincerely, HERBERT ASQUITH," "Faithfully yours, J. +JELLICOE"—these by all means; but not my own.</p> +<p>However, I wrote a letter the other day; it was to the bank. It +informed them that I had arrived in London for a time and should be +troubling them again shortly, London being to all appearances an +expensive place. It also called attention to my new address—a +small furnished flat in which Celia and I can just turn round if we +do it separately. When it was written, there came the question of +posting it. I was all for waiting till the next morning, but Celia +explained that there was actually a letter-box on our own floor, +twenty yards down the passage. I took the letter along and dropped +it into the slit.</p> +<p>Then a wonderful thing happened. It went</p> +<p> +<i>Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty—FLOP.</i></p> +<p>I listened intently, hoping for more ... but that was all. +Deeply disappointed that it was over, but absolutely thrilled with +my discovery, I hurried back to Celia.</p> +<p>"Any letters you want posted?" I said in an off-hand way.</p> +<p>"No, thank you," she said.</p> +<p>"Have you written any while we've been here?"</p> +<p>"I don't think I've had anything to write."</p> +<p>"I think," I said reproachfully, "it's quite time you wrote to +your—your bank or your mother or somebody."</p> +<p>She looked at me and seemed to be struggling for words.</p> +<p>"I know exactly what you're going to say," I said, "but don't +say it; write a little letter instead."</p> +<p>"Well, as a matter of fact I <i>must</i> just write a note to +the laundress."</p> +<p>"To the laundress," I said. "Of course, just a note."</p> +<p>When it was written I insisted on her coming with me to post it. +With great generosity I allowed her to place it in the slit. A +delightful thing happened. It went</p> +<p><i> +Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty- +flipperty-flipperty-flipperty—FLOP.</i></p> +<p>Right down to the letter-box in the hall. Two flipperties a +floor. (A simple calculation shows that we are perched on the fifth +floor. I am glad now that we live so high. It must be very dull to +be on the fourth floor with only eight flipperties, unbearable to +be on the first with only two.)</p> +<p>"<i>O-oh!</i> How <i>fas</i>-cinating!" said Celia.</p> +<p>"Now don't you think you ought to write to your mother?"</p> +<p>"Oh, I <i>must</i>."</p> +<p>She wrote. We posted it. It went</p> +<p><i>Flipperty-flipperty</i>——However, you know all +about that now.</p> +<p>Since this great discovery of mine, life has been a more +pleasurable business. We feel now that there are romantic +possibilities about letters setting forth on their journey from our +floor. To start life with so many flipperties might lead to +anything. Each time that we send a letter off we listen in a +tremble of excitement for the final FLOP, and when it comes I think +we both feel vaguely that we are still waiting for something. We +are waiting to hear some magic letter go +<i>flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty</i> ... and behold! +there is no FLOP ... and still it goes +on—<i>flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty</i>—growing +fainter in the distance ... until it arrives at some wonderland of +its own. One day it must happen so. For we cannot listen always for +that FLOP, and hear it always; nothing in this world is as +inevitable as that. One day we shall look at each other with awe in +our faces and say, "But it's still flipperting!" and from that time +forward the Hill of Campden will be a place holy and enchanted. +Perhaps on Midsummer Eve—</p> +<p>At any rate I am sure that it is the only way in which to post a +letter to Father Christmas.</p> +<p>Well, what I want to say is this: if I have been a bad +correspondent in the past I am a good one now; and Celia, who was +always a good one, is a better one. It takes at least ten letters a +day to satisfy us, and we prefer to catch ten different posts. With +the ten in your hand together there is always a temptation to waste +them in one wild rush of flipperties, all catching each other up. +It would be a great moment, but I do not think we can afford it +yet; we must wait until we get even more practised at +letter-writing. And even then I am doubtful; for it might be that, +lost in the confusion of that one wild rush, the magic letter would +start on its way—<i>flipperty-flipperty</i>—to the +never-land, and we should forever have missed it.</p> +<p>So, friends, acquaintances, yes, and even strangers. I beg you +now to give me another chance. I will answer your letters, how +gladly. I still think that NAPOLEON (or CANUTE or the younger +PLINY—one of the pre-Raphaelites) took a perfectly correct +view of his correspondence ... but then <i>he</i> Never had a +letter-box which went</p> +<p> +<i>Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty—FLOP.</i></p> +<p class="author">A.A.M.</p> +<hr /> +<h4>The H.D. and Q. Department.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"Major-General F.G. Bond is gazetted Director of Quartering at +the War Office."</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Pacifists beware!</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p class="center">"DIRTY WORK<br /> +AT<br /> +DOWNING STREET.</p> +<p class="center">BY<br /> +HORATIO BOTTOMLEY."</p> +<p class="author"><i>John Bull.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>They shouldn't have let him in.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page365" id="page365"></a>[pg +365]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/365.png"><img width="100%" src="images/365.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<p><i>Officer.</i> "WHY WERE YOU NOT AT ROLL-CALL LAST NIGHT?"</p> +<p><i>Defaulter.</i> "WELL, SIR, WITH THIS 'ERE CAMP CAMOUFLAGED SO +MUCH, I COULDN'T FIND MY WAY OUT OF THE CANTEEN."</p> +</div> +<h2>COUNTER TACTICS.</h2> +<p>About a year ago I paid a visit to my hosier and haberdasher +with the intention of purchasing a few things with which to tide +over the remaining months of winter. After the preliminary +discussion of atmospherics had been got through, the usual raffle +of garments was spread about for my inspection. I viewed it +dispassionately. Then, discarding the little vesties of +warm-blooded youth and the double-width vestums of rheumatic old +age, I chose several commonplace woollen affairs and was preparing +to leave when my hosier and haberdasher leaned across the counter +and whispered in my ear.</p> +<p>"If I may advise you, Sir, you would be wise to make a large +selection of these articles. We do not expect to replace them."</p> +<p>He glanced cautiously at an elderly gentleman who was stirring +up a box of ties, then, lowering his voice another semitone, added, +"The mills are now being used exclusively for Government work." He +insinuated the death-sentence effect very cleverly, and at that +moment, coming to his support, as it were, the old gentleman +tottered up, seized upon two garments and carried them off from +under my very fingers. As he went out a middle-aged lady entered +and made straight for the residue upon the counter. A feeling of +panic came upon me. "Right you are," I exclaimed hurriedly, "I'll +take the lot." As a matter of fact she only wanted a pair of gloves +for her nephew in France.</p> +<p>A few days later, still having the wool shortage in mind, I +approached my hosier and haberdasher on the subject of shirts. For +a second or two he looked thoughtfully at the toe of his boot. Then +coming suddenly to a decision he disappeared stealthily into the +back premises, from which he presently emerged carrying a large +bale of flannel, which he cast caber-wise upon the counter.</p> +<p>"There," he said triumphantly, "I don't suppose there's another +piece of flannel like that in the country." He fingered it with an +expert touch.</p> +<p>"You don't say so," I said as I rubbed it reverently between my +finger and thumb, just to show that he wasn't the only one who +could do it.</p> +<p>"I'm afraid it's only too true," he confessed, "and I may add +that, after we have sold out our present stocks, flannel of any +kind will be absolutely unobtainable."</p> +<p>"None at all?" I asked, horror-struck at the vision of my public +life in 1920—a bow cravat over a double-width vestum.</p> +<p>He shook his head and smiled wisely.</p> +<p>I am instinctively against hoarding, but I knew that if I did +not buy it Jones would, and then some fine day, when nobody else +had a shirt left, he would swagger about and make my life +intolerable. This decided me and I bought the piece.</p> +<p>A few days later it occurred to me that it might be advisable to +lay down some socks. My idea was in perfect unison with that of my +hosier and haberdasher. Socks were going to be unprocurable in a +few months. I patted myself on the back and bought up the 1916 +vintage of Llama-Llama <span class="pagenum"><a name="page366" id= +"page366"></a>[pg 366]</span> footwear. The following week +thirty-seven shirts arrived and I had to buy a new +chest-of-drawers.</p> +<p>This, as I have stated before, was about a year ago. Yesterday I +paid my hosier and haberdasher another visit. If all the bone +factories had not been too exclusively engaged, etc., etc., I +wished to buy a collar stud. There was an elderly man standing in +the shop. He was quite alone, contemplating a mountain of garments. +There were little vesties, double-width vestums, and ordinary +woollen affairs.</p> +<p>You could have knocked me over with a dress-sock.</p> +<p>And where was my hosier and haberdasher? Had the +stranger—just awakened to the value of his +possessions—entered the shop and suddenly cast all this +treasure upon the counter? I imagined the shock of this procedure +on a man like my hosier and haberdasher, whose heart was perhaps a +trifle woolly. Had he collapsed? I glanced surreptitiously behind a +parapet of clocked socks.</p> +<p>A moment later, from somewhere in the back premises, he appeared +carrying a large bale of flannel, which he cast caber-wise upon the +counter. I was dumbfounded.</p> +<p>Then I knew the truth.</p> +<p>"Sir," I said, turning to the stranger, "I believe you are about +to make a selection from these articles (I indicated them +individually), which you imagine to be the last of their race?"</p> +<p>He nodded at me in a bewildered sort of way.</p> +<p>"In a few months," I continued remorselessly, "they will be +absolutely unprocurable" (he gave a start of recognition), "and +you, having bought them, will sneak through life with the feelings +of a food-hoarder, mingled with those of the man who slew the last +Camberwell Beauty. I know the state of mind. But you need not +distress yourself. These garments (I indicated them again) will +only be unprocurable because they are in your possession. I have +about half-a-ton myself, which, until a few minutes age, would have +been quite unprocurable. But I have changed my mind and, if you +will come with me, you can take your choice with a clear +conscience, and (I glanced maliciously at my faded hosier and +haberdasher) at the prices which were prevalent a year ago."</p> +<p>I linked my arm with that of the stranger, and together we +passed out of the shop into the unpolluted light of day.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/366.png"><img width="100%" src="images/366.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<p><i>Mother (to child who has been naughty).</i> "AREN'T YOU +RATHER ASHAMED OF YOURSELF?"</p> +<p><i>Child.</i> "WELL, MOTHER, I WASN'T. BUT NOW THAT YOU'VE +SUGGESTED IT I AM."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>PRETENDING.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I know a magic woodland with grassy rides that +ring</p> +<p class="i2">To strange fantastic music and whirr of elfin +wing,</p> +<p class="i2">There all the oaks and beeches, moss-mantled to the +knees,</p> +<p class="i2">Are really fairy princes pretending to be trees.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I know a magic moorland with wild winds drifting +by,</p> +<p class="i2">And pools among the peat-hags that mirror back the +sky;</p> +<p class="i2">And there in golden bracken the fronds that toss and +turn</p> +<p class="i2">Are really little people pretending to be fern.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I wander in the woodland, I walk the magic moor;</p> +<p class="i2">Sometimes I meet with fairies, sometimes I'm not so +sure;</p> +<p class="i2">And oft I pause and wonder among the green and +gold</p> +<p class="i2">If I am not a child again—pretending to be +old.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p class="center">W.H.O.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>It is understood that the FOOD-CONTROLLER has protested against +the forcible feeding of hunger-strikers. If they want to commit the +Yappy Dispatch, why shouldn't they?</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page367" id="page367"></a>[pg +367]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/367.png"><img width="100%" src="images/367.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<h3>ST. GEORGE OUT-DRAGONS THE DRAGON.</h3> +[With Mr. Punch's jubilant compliments to Sir DOUGLAS HAIG and his +Tanks.]</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page368" id="page368"></a>[pg +368]</span> +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> +<p><i>Monday, November 19th.</i>—Such a rush of Peers to the +House of Commons has seldom been seen. Lord WIMBORNE, who knows +something of congested districts, arrived early and secured the +coveted seat over the clock. Lord CURZON, holding a watching brief +for the War Cabinet, was only just in time to secure a place; and +Lord COURTNEY and several others found "standing room only." If we +have many more crises Sir ALFRED MOND will have to make provision +for strap-hangers.</p> +<div class="figright" style="width:35%;"><a href= +"images/368.png"><img width="100%" src="images/368.png" alt= +"" /></a>"His foil was carefully buttoned."<br /> +<br /> +MR. ASQUITH.</div> +<p>There was very little sign of passion in Mr. ASQUITH'S measured +criticism of the Allied Council and of the PRIME MINISTER'S speech +on the subject in Paris. His foil was carefully buttoned, and +though it administered a shrewd thrust now and again it was not +intended to draw blood.</p> +<p>At first the PRIME MINISTER followed this excellent example, and +contented himself with defending, and incidentally re-composing, +his Paris oration. The Allied Council, as now depicted, was a horse +of quite another colour from what it seemed in Paris. A further +example of <i>camouflage</i>, I suppose.</p> +<p>Only when he came to deal with his Press critics did he let +himself go, to the delight of the House, which loves him in his +swashbuckling mood. As he confessed, however, that he had +deliberately made "a disagreeable speech" in Paris in order to get +it talked about, the Press will probably consider itself +absolved.</p> +<p><i>Tuesday, November 20th.</i>—Like John Bull, as +represented in last week's cartoon, Lord LAMINGTON has arrived at +the conclusion that compulsory rationing must come, and the sooner +the better. Lord RHONDDA, however, is still hopeful that John will +tighten his own belt, and save him the trouble. "More Yapping and +Less Biting" should be our motto. But if we fail to live up to it, +the machinery for compulsory rationing is all ready. Indeed, +according to Lord DEVONPORT, it has been ready since April last, +when an "S.O.S." to the local authorities was on the point of being +sent, but a timely increase in imports stopped it.</p> +<p>Nobody doubts Commander WEDGWOOD'S essential patriotism; he has +proved it like a knight of old on his body; but he is unfortunate +in some of his political associates, who take advantage of his +good-nature. A book with a preface by himself had been seized by +the police on suspicion of being seditious, and he loudly demanded +to be prosecuted. But Sir GEORGE CAVE was not inclined to set up a +legal presumption that the writer of a preface is responsible for +the rest of the book. If he were, a good many "forewords" would, I +imagine, never have been written.</p> +<p><i>Wednesday, November 21st.</i>—By a strange oversight +the Royal Marines were not specifically mentioned in the recent +Vote of Thanks to the Services. Apparently the fact that this +country is proud of them is one of those things that must not be +told to the Marines. But Dr. MACNAMARA assured the House that the +omission should now be repaired.</p> +<p>There has been a shortage of provisions in the city where +<i>Lady Godiva</i> suffered from a shortage of clothes. Mr. CLYNES +was prompt with a remedy. A representative of the FOOD-CONTROLLER +has already been sent to Coventry.</p> +<p>Conscientious Objectors found a doughty champion in Lord HUGH +CECIL. Rarely has an unpopular case been fortified with a greater +wealth of legal, historical and ethical argument. Only once, when +he accused Mr. BONAR LAW of holding the same doctrine as Herr +BETHMANN-HOLLWEG, did he lose, for a moment, the sympathy of his +audience. But he soon recovered himself, and thereafter held the +House rapt with Cecilian harmonies.</p> +<p>To such a lofty plane, indeed, had the debate been lifted that +Mr. RONALD MCNEILL, tall as he is, had some difficulty in bringing +it down to earth again; and when the division was called the spell +was still working, and in a very big House the "Conchies" only lost +their votes by thirty-eight.</p> +<p><i>Thursday, November 22nd.</i>—Pending the introduction +of the promised censorship of Parliamentary Questions, Mr. JOSEPH +KING is working overtime. No story is too fantastically impossible +to find a shelter under his hospitable hat. To-day it was a secret +treaty between the Russian Government (old style) and the French +Republic, by which Belgium was to be compensated at the expense of +Holland. Lord ROBERT CECIL denounced it as an invention of the +enemy. But I don't suppose the denial had the smallest effect upon +Mr. KING, who probably went off and dined heartily on a magnum of +mare's-nest soup.</p> +<p>A tremendous accession to the ranks of the Sinn Feiners has been +narrowly averted. When Members read the menu which, according to +Major NEWMAN, the Irish Government has adopted for political +prisoners—three good square meals a day, including an egg, +ten ounces of meat, a pound and a half of bread, two pints and a +half of milk, and real butter—they were strongly minded to +enlist under Mr. DE VALERA'S banner and get themselves arrested +forthwith. But Mr. DUKE'S emphatic denial shattered their dream of +repletion at the taxpayers' expense.</p> +<p>A final attempt to get proportional representation included in +the Franchise Bill was heavily defeated. In a dashing attempt to +save it Sir MARK SYKES declared that the old Eatanswill methods of +electioneering had gone for ever—"no mouth was large enough +to kiss thirty thousand babies." But the majority of the House +seemed to be more impressed by the self-sacrificing argument of +that eminent temperance advocate, Sir THOMAS WHITTAKER, who feared +that "P.R." would lead to an increase in "milk-and-water +politicians."</p> +<hr /> +<h4>ALWAYS SOMETHING NEW FROM AFRICA.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"A Belgian East African communiqué says that before the +converging advance of the Anglo-German Belgian columns, the enemy +retired to the south bank of the Kilimbero."—<i>Mombasa +Times.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>We seem to have met some of these Anglo-German columns in the +Pacifist Press.</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"Our machines then bombed the General, in which the German +Head-quarters at Constantinople are reported to be +situated."—<i>Times.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>The General must have been stout, even for a German.</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"Not having regained consciousness the police are left with +little tangible evidence to work upon."—<i>Daily +Telegraph.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>Let us hope they will soon come to.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page369" id="page369"></a>[pg +369]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/369.png"><img width="100%" src="images/369.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<h3>HOW TO UTILISE OUR SKILLED CRAFTSMEN.</h3> +<p><i>First Lieutenant.</i> "WHAT WAS THIS MAN BEFORE HE +JOINED?" <i>Petty Officer.</i> "OPTICIAN, SIR."</p> +<p><i>First Lieutenant.</i> "WHAT HAD WE BETTER GIVE HIM TO +DO?" <i>Petty Officer.</i> "THERE'S THEM PRISMATIC +SPOTTING GLASSES, SIR. THE LEATHER STRAP IS BROKEN OFF THEM. HE +COULD SPLICE IN A PIECE O' COD LINE."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3><i>LE POILU DE CARCASSONNE.</i></h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">THE <i>poilus</i> of France on the Western Front are +brave as brave can be,</p> +<p class="i2">Whether they hail from rich Provence or from ruined +Picardie;</p> +<p class="i2">It's the self-same heart from the lazy Loire and the +busy banks of Seine,</p> +<p class="i2">Undaunted by perpetual mud or cold or gas or +pain;</p> +<p class="i2">And all are as gay as men know how whose wealth and +friends are gone,</p> +<p class="i2">But the gayest of all is a little white dog that came +from Carcassonne.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">He was brought as a pup by a <i>Midi</i> man to a +sector along the Aisne,</p> +<p class="i2">But his man laid the wire one pitch-black night and +never came back again.</p> +<p class="i2">The pup stood by with one ear down and the other a +question mark,</p> +<p class="i2">And at times he licked his dead friend's face and at +times he tried to bark,</p> +<p class="i2">Till the listening sentry heard the sound, and when +the daylight shone</p> +<p class="i2">He looked abroad and cried, "<i>Bon Guieu! C'est le +poilu de Carcassonne!</i>"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">So the dead man's <i>copains</i> kept the dog on the +strength of the company.</p> +<p class="i2">And whoever went short it was not the pup, though a +greedy pup was he;</p> +<p class="i2">They gave him their choicest bits of <i>sinje</i> and +drops of <i>pinard</i> too;</p> +<p class="i2">He was warm and safe when he crept beneath a cloak of +horizon-blue;</p> +<p class="i2">They clipped fresh <i>brisques</i> in his rough white +coat as the weary months dragged on,</p> +<p class="i2">And all the sector knows him now as <i>le Poilu de +Carcassonne</i>.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">And in return he keeps their hearts from that +haunting foe, <i>l'ennui</i>;</p> +<p class="i2">He's their plaything, friend, and sentry too, and a +lover of devilry;</p> +<p class="i2">He helps them to hunt out rats or Boches; he burrows +and sniffs for mines,</p> +<p class="i2">And he growls when the murderous shrapnel flies +screaming above the lines;</p> +<p class="i2">His little black nose is a-quiver with glee whenever +a raid is on,</p> +<p class="i2">And they say with pride, "<i>C'est la guerre +elle-même, notre Poilu de Carcassonne!</i>"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was none more glad when they went to rest in +their billet, a ruined shack,</p> +<p class="i2">But when they returned to the front-line trench he +was just as pleased to be back;</p> +<p class="i2">He's the spirit of fun itself, and so when other men +feel blue,</p> +<p class="i2">His friends remark, "<i>Le cafard, quoi? On l'connait +pas chez nous!</i>"</p> +<p class="i2">So when you drink to the valiant French and the +glorious fights they've won</p> +<p class="i2">Just raise your glass to a little white dog that came +from Carcassonne.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page370" id="page370"></a>[pg +370]</span> +<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> +<p class="center">"LOYALTY."</p> +<p>If you are a pernickety intellectual (<i>soi-disant</i>) you may +really permit yourself to be faintly amused at the fiery zeal of +the mystery-wrapt author of <i>Loyalty</i> for his (or, quite +possibly, her) country's cause in this difficult hour. If you are +cast in the common human mould that nowadays is seen for the +glorious thing it is, you will respond to many single-minded, +wholesome thoughts in the impassioned statement of his thesis. And +if you happen to belong to that simple discredited breed, the +English, so long overshadowed by the nimbler Britons, you may have +quite a nice little private thrill of your own, a thrill of pride +in your precious stone, and begin to think with seriousness of the +advantages of "home rule all round" in an England-for-the-English +mood, and of the value of a nationalism that is as irrational as +conjugal or mother love—and as fine.</p> +<p>The author's hero is an Englishman of the wandering type, +assistant editor on a crank paper. The play is a protracted debate +in four sessions, June, 1914; July, 1914; August, 1914; September, +1916. And here the author makes his most serious mistake, the +mistake made by Mr. HENRY ARTHUR JONES in his recent squib. If he +had contrived his Little Navy folk, the proprietor, editor and +revolving cranks as something more than mere caricatures, brands of +straw prepared for his consuming bonfires, he would have +strengthened, not weakened, his excellent case. He has quoted his +enemies' mistakes without their excuses, their texts without their +contexts. And that is a form of propaganda which can only touch the +converted, or such of them as are not stirred by a sporting +instinct to a certain mood of protest and a wish that the other +fellow should be given a better start in the heresy hunt.</p> +<p>The <i>dramatis personae</i>, then, divide themselves into the +men of straw and the right sort. Of the former you have first +<i>Sir Andrew Craig</i>, chairman of the party in his constituency +and editor of <i>The New Standard</i> (there were indeed altogether +new standards of efficiency, mentality and hospitality in that +rather imaginative newspaper office of the First Act). Mr. FISHER +WHITE gave us the courtly-obstinate old man to the life (this +player has a way of removing straw). In the dramatic passage in +which, returning after being broken in a German prison, he relates +some of the horrors of which it is good for us to be reminded, he +rose to the height of his fine talent. His exquisite +elocution—a remarkable feat of virtuosity—was in itself +a sheer delight.</p> +<p><i>Mr. Stutchbury</i>, the editor, pacifist and sentimental +democrat, was dealt to Mr. LENNOX PAWLE. He played his hand well. +There was never such an editor outside Bedlam; but Mr. PAWLE is a +resourceful person and by a score of clever tricks of gesture and +business made a reasonable figure of fun for our obloquy. All but +broken in the end, but still claiming that he had "the larger +vision" (as he certainly had the larger diameter), there was a +certain dignity of pathos in his exit, a late <i>amende</i> by an +otherwise remorseless puppet-maker. Mr. SYDNEY PAXTON as a pillar +of Nonconformity offered a clever study in the unctuous-grotesque; +Mr. VINCENT STERNROYD sketched a portrait of a nut-consuming +impenitent disarmamentist. The author is the first, so far as I +know, to give public emphasis to the queer fact of natural history +that there is some connection between extreme opinions and the +prominence of the Adam's apple of the holder of them—a fact +on which I have often pondered.</p> +<p>Mr. M. MORAND, the aggressive Scots member of the election +committee, inspired to great heights of insobriety by the return of +his London-Scottish nephew from the Front, sounded a welcome human +note, as did Mr. SAM LIVESEY, the Labour Member of the committee, +shaken out of his detachment into an extreme explicitness of +language by a Zeppelin raid experience. Mr. GEORGE BELLAMY'S Welsh +Disestablisher and Mr. GRIFFITH HUMPHREYS' exuberant German +press-agent of the pre-war period were both really shrewd +studies.</p> +<p>Of the right sort there were but five—and one of these, +the editor's secretary, at heart an honest patriot, but in fact +eating the bread of shame, was perhaps not altogether of the right +sort. Still he did get off his chest at last the pent-up passion of +years, and very well he did it, with the help of Mr. RANDLE AYRTON, +whose subtle little touches, building up a picture of a +disheartened hack, were very adroit indeed.</p> +<div class="figright" style="width:50%;"><a href= +"images/370.png"><img width="100%" src="images/370.png" alt= +"" /></a>THE LIGHTER SIDE OF EDITORIAL LIFE.<br /> +<br /> +<i>Frank Aylett</i> . . . . . . . . MR. C. AUBREY SMITH.<br /> +<i>Anthea Craig</i> . . . . . . . . . . . MISS VIOLA TREE.</div> +<p>Then there was young <i>Henry Craig</i>, at the beginning an +undergraduate in his last term, at the end a V.C. in his last +resting-place. Mr. PERCIVAL CLARKE'S was an adequate pleasant +study. So also was Mr. PHILIP ANTHONY'S of a Canadian, full of +strange idioms, who butted in to just the wrong corner of Fleet +Street to put the editor wise about the intentions of a Germany in +which he had spent his last two years. And then there was +splendidly English <i>Frank Aylett</i>, exile returned, unspoilt by +the cynicism of party and paper, whose fortune came to him just at +the psychological moment, enabling him to give his proprietor +notice and fight and win a by-election in the astonied man's own +constituency, besides carrying off his daughter (Miss VIOLA TREE), +who was the fifth of the right sort. What more plausible English +hero than Mr. C. AUBREY SMITH, except that he had to talk a good +deal more than seemed appropriate to his type? There was a +well-managed post-election scene when he was at his best (as was +the author). And all through there was good and sometimes glorious +sense for those to hear who had ears.</p> +<p>The programme promised us about a month's interval between Acts +I. and II. It was actually less than that; but if Mr. J.H. SQUIRE's +musicianly orchestra had not been there to charm us we might +conceivably have been bored.</p> +<p class="author">T.</p> +<hr /> +<h4>More Commercial Candour.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"FOR SALE.—A 45 H.P., 6 cyl.—Car, touring body, +fitted with every latest convenience. Exceptionally well sprung. +Just purchased by owner and run under 1,000 miles. Guaranteed over +25-galls. to the mile by Agents. Rs. 11,000."—<i>Indian +Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page371" id="page371"></a>[pg +371]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/371.png"><img width="100%" src="images/371.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<h3>"DIVERSION" IN THE BALKANS.</h3> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>HEROES.</h3> +<p>If the question were put to a company of young women, "What is +the most thrilling experience you can have in a London street?" the +odds are a thousand to one that they would reply that nothing could +be more thrilling than to meet a famous actor in plain clothes and +identify him. I am not a young woman myself, but I should be +inclined to share their opinion. There is something about an actor +in real life, moving along like a human being—one of +us—that always stirs my pulse. It is exciting enough to see +Mr. LLOYD GEORGE or Mr. ASQUITH or Sir OLIVER LODGE; but no one +stirs the imagination like an actor.</p> +<p>That is why I still tremble a little whenever I think of my good +fortune the other afternoon in the Haymarket, and why my pen shakes +as I commit the adventure to paper. For I met face to face two of +the most successful actors in London—at the present moment, +in the world.</p> +<p>I was walking up the Haymarket in the rain, hoping, in spite of +the new prohibitive rates, that I might see an empty cab, when I +met them coming down. They were walking with a man whom I did not +recognise, and, like me, were getting wet. One thinks of successful +actors as riding always in taxis; but taxis are very rare nowadays, +particularly in the wet, and somehow it did not seem unnatural that +they should be on foot. I am glad enough that they were, or I +should have missed my <i>frisson</i>; and others would have +suffered a similar loss, for the recognition was not only on my +part but on that of several passers-by, and it was instantaneous. +Indeed, I heard one lady tell her companion the name of the play +they are in and the extraordinary length of its run, and since she +spoke loudly I thought how delightful it must be to be a theatrical +celebrity and hear cordial things like that as you move about. +Neither of them paid any attention, however, although their friend +showed signs that the flattery had not escaped him; the two +Illustrions (to coin a word) merely walked on, superior to our +homage, and disappeared into Charles Street, where the stage door +of His Majesty's is.</p> +<p>Pouring though it was, and grovelling admirer of footlight +favourites as I am, somehow I never thought to offer either of them +my umbrella. But then one doesn't offer an umbrella to a donkey or +a camel, even though they are two of the stars of <i>Chu Chin +Chow</i>.</p> +<hr /> +<h4>ANOTHER INJUSTICE.</h4> +<p>From a Sinn Fein speech:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"When Ireland was silent England did not hear her cry +out."—<i>Wicklow News-Letter</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"WHY SHOULD A RABBIT COST 2<i>s</i>. 3<i>d</i>.?</p> +<p>"This question from a reader induces me to postpone until next +week my analysis of the high cost of onions."—<i>Empire +News</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>On the principle that it is better to make sure of the rabbit +before arranging about the stuffing.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Stockholm, Tuesday.</p> +<p>"News from Finland shows that the Socialist leaders have lost +control of the workmen, and all kinds of excesses are taking place. +The present Commandant at Tornea was a sailor, the head of the +passport office was a tailor, and the chief telegraphic censor a +tinker."—<i>Central News</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>We miss the soldier, to say nothing of "apothecary, ploughboy, +thief."</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Scholars and tragedians between them seem to have appropriated +the right to keep Shakespeare's memory green. But there are other +Richmonds in the field, humble Richmonds, not well read ... John of +Gaunt, crying that his England 'never did nor never shall lie at +the proud foot of a conqueror....'"—<i>The Times</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>The writer who thus deprived the <i>Bastard</i> in <i>King +John</i> of his famous lines was, we infer, one of the "other +Richmonds."</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page372" id="page372"></a>[pg +372]</span> +<h3>SUGAR.</h3> +<p class="center">AN ELEGIAC ODE.</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Queen of the palate! Universal Sweet!</p> +<p class="i4">Gastronomy's delectable Gioconda!</p> +<p class="i2">Since with submission loyally I greet</p> +<p class="i4">And follow out the regimen of RHONDDA,</p> +<p class="i2">I cannot be considered indiscreet</p> +<p class="i4">If I essay, but never go beyond, a</p> +<p class="i2">Brief elegiac tribute to a sway</p> +<p class="i2">By sterner needs now largely swept away.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Thy candy soothes the infant in its pram;</p> +<p class="i4">Thou addest mellowness to old brown sherry;</p> +<p class="i2">Thou glorifiest marmalade, on Cam</p> +<p class="i4">And Isis making breakfast-tables merry;</p> +<p class="i2">Thou lendest magic to the meanest jam</p> +<p class="i4">Compounded of the most insipid berry;</p> +<p class="i2">And canst convert the sourest crabs and quinces</p> +<p class="i2">To jellies fit for epicures and princes.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Thou charmest unalloyed, in loaf or lumps</p> +<p class="i4">Or crystals; brown and moist, or white and +pounded;</p> +<p class="i2">I never was so deeply in the dumps</p> +<p class="i4">That, once thy fount of sweetness I had sounded,</p> +<p class="i2">Courage returned not; even with the mumps</p> +<p class="i4">I still could view with gratitude unbounded</p> +<p class="i2">The navigators of heroic Spain</p> +<p class="i2">Who found the New World—and the sugar-cane.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Sprinkled on buttered bread thou dost excite</p> +<p class="i4">In human boys insatiable cravings;</p> +<p class="i2">On Turkish (I regret to say) Delight</p> +<p class="i4">Thou lurest them to dissipate their savings,</p> +<p class="i2">Instead of banking them, or sitting tight,</p> +<p class="i4">Or buying useful books and good engravings;</p> +<p class="i2">And lastly, mixed with strawberries and cream,</p> +<p class="i2">Thou art more than a dish, thou art a dream.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Before necessity, that knows no ruth,</p> +<p class="i4">Ordained thy frugal use in tea and coffee,</p> +<p class="i2">Some Stoics banned thee—men who in their +youth</p> +<p class="i4">Showed an unnatural dislike of toffee;</p> +<p class="i2">For sweetness charms the normal human tooth,</p> +<p class="i4">Sweetness inspires the singer's tenderest +strophe,</p> +<p class="i2">Since old LUCRETIUS musically chid</p> +<p class="i2">The curse of life—<i>amari aliquid</i>.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2"><i>Eau sucrée</i>, I admit, is rather tame</p> +<p class="i4">Compared with beer or whisky blent with soda;</p> +<p class="i2">But gallant Frenchmen, experts at this game,</p> +<p class="i4">Commend it highly either as a <i>coda</i></p> +<p class="i2">Or prelude to their meals, and much the same</p> +<p class="i4">Is sherbet, which the Gaekwar of Baroda</p> +<p class="i2">And other Oriental satraps quaff</p> +<p class="i2">In preference to ale or half-and-half.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Nor must I fail, O potent saccharin!</p> +<p class="i4">Thou chemic offspring of by-products coaly,</p> +<p class="i2">Late comer on the culinary scene,</p> +<p class="i4">To hail thy aid, although it may be lowly</p> +<p class="i2">Even compared with beet; for thou hast been</p> +<p class="i4">Employed in sweetening my roly-poly—</p> +<p class="i2">Thou whom I once regarded as a dose</p> +<p class="i2">And now the active rival of glucose!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">But still I hear some jaundiced critic say,</p> +<p class="i4">Some rigid self-appointed <i>censor morum</i>,</p> +<p class="i2">"Why harp upon the pleasures of a day</p> +<p class="i4">When freely sweetened was each cup and jorum,</p> +<p class="i2">Ere stern controllers had begun to stay</p> +<p class="i4">The genial outflow of the <i>fons leporum?</i></p> +<p class="i2">Now sugar's scarce, and we must do without it,</p> +<p class="i2">Why let regretful fancy play about it?"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">True, yet it greatly goes against the grain,</p> +<p class="i4">Unless one has the patience of Ulysses,</p> +<p class="i2">Wholly and resolutely to refrain</p> +<p class="i4">From dwelling on the memory of past blisses;</p> +<p class="i2">Forbidden fruits allure the strong and sane;</p> +<p class="i4">Joys loved but lost are what one chiefly misses;</p> +<p class="i2">This is my best excuse if I deplore</p> +<p class="i2">"So sad, so <i>sweet</i>, the days that are no +more."</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>'TATERS.</h3> +<p>SCENE: <i>At "The Plough and Horses</i>."</p> +<p>"You seen Parson lately, George?"</p> +<p>"Not lately I ain't, Luther."</p> +<p>"Not since 'is 'taters be out o' ground?"</p> +<p>"No. Finest crop in village, some do say."</p> +<p>"That be right—sev'ral ton of 'em there be."</p> +<p>"What to goodness do 'e want 'em all for, then? 'Im an' 's wife +an' a maid 'll never eat all them 'taters."</p> +<p>"I'll tell you what 'e says to me, for 'appen 'e'll say it to +you, George, when 'e comes acrost you next. 'E says to me, 'I've +growed as many potatoes as I've had strength to grow, an' they've +prospered exceedin'ly,' 'e says, 'thank God! So if any deservin' +folk in my parish gets through wi' their own crop an' wants more +later on they 'as only to come to me, for I've growed more 'an my +'ouse'old 'll eat if they was to eat all day.'"</p> +<p>"'E be proud o' that?"</p> +<p>"Fine an' proud 'e be."</p> +<p>"An' yet it be some'at unfort'nate too. For all of us as is left +in this 'ere parish 'as growed as many 'taters as they'll be like +to need, same as 'e. So I don't see nought but disappointment for +Parson an' a lot o' good 'taters lyin' to rot in their pies."</p> +<p>"Some there be too fond o' Parson to let that 'appen. Me an' my +wife be sendin' few of ours to London ev'ry week or so. So in due +season we shall be free to go to Parson an' 'elp 'im through wi' +'is, same as 'e wants us to. I 'ears as others is doin' some'at the +same as us—fear is as too many'll tumble to the idea, which +is why I'd 'ave you keep it fro' goin' further, George."</p> +<p>"Silent as th' grave I'll be. So you're givin' your 'taters 'way +to please Parson? Yet I do allus say as 'taters what a man grows +wi' sweat of 'is own brow do beat all others in t' eatin'."</p> +<p>"That may be; but us can't afford to be so mighty pernickerty in +time o' war. Nor we ain't givin' nothin 'way in manner o' speakin'. +Fair market price they gives for 'em in London. So it be somethin' +in 'and in these 'ard times as well as savin' Parson from a bitter +disappointment what 'e ain't done nothin' to deserve, so far as I +can see."</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Two organ grinders, aged 23 and 16, were taken to Charing Cross +Hospital to-day with bad injuries and severe shock, the result of a +barrel organ getting out of control in +Rosebery-avenue."—<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>They should try a less dangerous instrument next time.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"'Seed potatoes' means potatoes grown in Scotland or Ireland in +the year 1917, or grown in England or Wales in the year 1917 from +seed grown in Scotland or Ireland in the year 1916, which will pass +through a riddle having a 1-5/8-in. mesh, and will not pass through +a riddle having a 1-5/8-in. mesh."—<i>Journal of the Board of +Agriculture</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>We ourselves cannot get through any riddle of this kind.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page373" id="page373"></a>[pg +373]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/373.png"><img width="100%" src="images/373.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<p><i>Sergeant (instructing squad of volunteers in physical +drill).</i> "THIS 'ERE HEXERCISE IS INTENDED TO 'ARDEN THE MUSCLES +OF THE STUMMICK AND MAKE IT HIMPERVIOUS TO GERMAN BULLETS HIN CASE +OF HINVASION."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> +<p class="center"><i>(By Mr, Punch's Staff of Learned +Clerks.)</i></p> +<p>It is difficult within the ordinary limits of a review in these +columns to say all that one feels or even to express adequately +one's gratitude after reading the two volumes of Lord MORLEY'S +generous and delightful <i>Recollections</i> (MACMILLAN). I seem to +have been sitting with him in a large and comfortable library while +the great Viscount rolled me out his mind, now breaking out into a +glowing eulogy of GEORGE MEREDITH, JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN or LESLIE +STEPHEN, or again dashing off with a few firm and skilful strokes a +portrait of JOHN MILL or HERBERT SPENCER, or some other +intellectual giant of that nineteenth century which Lord MORLEY +nobly defends and of which he himself was <i>grande decus +columenque</i>. The book is crammed with passages that arouse and +maintain pleasure in the reader and clamour for quotation on the +part of the reviewer. "Meredith," we are told, "who did not know +Mill in person, once spoke to me of him, with the confident +intuition proper to imaginative genius, as partaking of the +Spinster. Disraeli, when Mill made an early speech in Parliament, +raised his eye-glass and murmured to a neighbour on the bench, 'Ah, +the Finishing Governess.'" Or we are introduced to SPENCER at +MILL'S table: "The host said to him at dessert that Grote, who was +present, would like to hear him explain one or more of his views +about the equilibration of molecules in some relation or other. +Spencer, after an instant of good-natured hesitation, complied with +unbroken fluency for a quarter-of-an-hour or more. Grote followed +every word intently, and in the end expressed himself as well +satisfied. Mill, as we moved off into the drawing-room, declared to +me his admiration of a wonderful piece of lucid exposition. +Fawcett, in a whisper, asked me if I understood a word of it, for +he did not. Luckily I had no time to answer." Or again: "Another +contributor [to <i>The Saturday Review</i>] was the important man +who became Lord SALISBURY. He and I were alone together in the +editorial anteroom every Tuesday morning, awaiting our commissions, +but he too had a talent for silence, and we exchanged no words, +either now or on any future occasion." How charming a picture is +this of two shy British publicists maintaining towards one another, +against every possible discouragement, an inviolable silence. Not +even the weather could tempt them to break it. Yet the great +characteristic of this book is the large-hearted tolerance of +comment and judgment which makes it emphatically a friendly book. +As such I commend it with all the warmth in my power.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>For her new story, <i>Missing</i> (COLLINS), Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD +has used her knowledge, already proved elsewhere, of two settings, +the English Lakes and a Base Hospital somewhere in France. Also +perhaps her knowledge of human nature, though I like to think that +there are not many elder sisters so calculatingly callous as +<i>Bridget</i>. The bother about her was that she sadly wanted her +attractive younger sister to marry a sufficient establishment, not, +I fear, from wholly altruistic motives. So she was not altogether +sorry when the impecunious soldier-husband, whom <i>Nelly</i> had +personally preferred, was reported missing, thus leaving that to +chance once again open. Then, just as her plans seemed to be +prospering, word came secretly to her that there was a man +shattered and with memory lost in a base hospital who might +possibly be the brother-in-law whom she so emphatically didn't +want. What happens <span class="pagenum"><a name="page374" id= +"page374"></a>[pg 374]</span> upon this you shall find out for +yourself. Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD, as you will notice, has no fear of a +dramatic, even melodramatic, situation; handles it, indeed, with a +skill that the most popular might envy. Thence onwards the story, +perhaps a trifle slow in starting, gathers force. The two visits to +the camp at X—— (a very thin disguise for a place that +no Englishman of our time will ever forget) are admirably vivid; +the last chapters especially being as moving as anything that Mrs. +WARD has given us, whether in her popular, profound or propagandist +manner.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Lately, Mr. E.F. BENSON seems to have been devoting himself +almost wholly to chronicling the short and simple annals of the +middle-aged. With one exception, all his recent protagonists have +been, if not exactly in the sere and yellow, at least ripely +mature. So that such a title as that of his latest novel, <i>An +Autumn Solving</i> (COLLINS), produced in me rather a feeling of +familiar expectancy than of surprise. Also when the wrapper artist +clothes a volume with a picture of an elderly gentleman obviously +giving up an attractive young woman of perhaps one-third his years +it is idle to pretend that the contents retain all the thrill of +the unforeseen. Having said so much, I can let myself go in praise +(as how often before) of those qualities of insight and gently +sub-acid humour that make a BENSON novel an interlude of pure +enjoyment to the "jaded reviewer." In case the indiscreet cover may +happily have been removed before the volume reaches your hands, I +do not propose to give away the plot in any detail. The autumn +sowing of course produces a crop not exactly of wild oats, but of +romantic tares that springs in the hitherto barren heart of one +<i>Keeling</i>, prosperous tradesman, husband, father, mayor, +public benefactor and baronet, by reason of the too sympathetic +damsel who types his letters and catalogues his library. That +library shows Mr. BENSON'S genius; without it I should hardly have +been able to believe in the subsequent happenings, but, given this +"secret garden," all the tragedy is explained. I have left myself +no space in which to do justice to some admirable characterization. +<i>Keeling's</i> wife is worthy of a place in the author's long +gallery of woolly-witted matrons; while in <i>Silverdale</i> he has +given a study of clerical futility and egotism almost savage in its +detestability, a portrait at which one laughs and shudders +together. Of course the book will have, and deserve, a huge +welcome.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The union of scholarship and sympathy, enthusiasm and eloquence, +is rare; yet these qualities are to be found in perfect harmony in +the stately volume on the poets' poet which has just been published +under the style, on the cover, <i>Life of John Keats</i>, and on +the title-page, <i>John Keats, His Life and Poetry, His Friends, +Critics and After-Fame</i> (MACMILLAN)—a volume upon which +Sir SIDNEY COLVIN has been engaged ever since his retirement from +the Print Room of the British Museum, and may be said to have been +preparing to write all his days, ever since, as a boy, he first +opened the "magic casement." A book representing so long and ardent +a devotion, and written by one whose loyalties have always been so +cordially sustained and acknowledged, could not but glow; and it is +its warmth of feeling which, to my mind, peculiarly marks this very +distinguished work. It is more than a life; it is a "companion" to +KEATS so complete and understanding that one can with confidence +apply to it the abused word, "definitive." Critical essays on the +poet no doubt will continue to appear, but this is the last +biographical monument likely to be raised to him.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Your enjoyment of <i>The Head of the Family</i> (METHUEN) may in +a measure depend upon your capacity to appreciate <i>William +Linkhorn</i> and the glory of his "great flaming beard." To me, +unhappily, <i>William</i> was an uncouth rustic, just that and very +little else; but he possessed some mysterious attraction for women; +so, at any rate, Mrs. HENRY DUDENEY tells me, though she does not +explain to my satisfaction what it was. <i>Phoebe-Louisa</i> +married him partly because she wanted a man to help in her +greengrocery; but what charm he had for her soon waned, and she +smote hard when she caught him philandering with <i>Beausire +Fillery</i>. It was all the lady's fault; <i>William</i> had, so to +speak, only to wave his beard and she was at his feet. But if the +hirsute feature of this story leaves me cold it is easy enough to +enjoy and admire the rest. The <i>Firebraces</i>, spoken of here as +"The Family," are most admirably drawn. Never has the condescension +of county people to those less exalted in birth been described with +more delightful irony. True that some of the <i>Firebraces</i> +kicked over the traces and married whom they listed, but the family +as a whole was rooted deep enough to stand shocks which would have +devastated people of less assured position. The scenes of the story +are laid in and around Lewes, a part of England dear to Mrs. +DUDENEY'S heart, and of which she writes with real comprehension +and devotion.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>By a self-denying ordinance Mr. Punch declines, as a general +rule, to review in these columns the work of his Staff. But he may +permit himself to announce to all lovers of the gay humour of +"A.A.M." that Messrs. HODDER AND STOUGHTON have just brought out a +new novel, <i>Once on a Time</i>, by Mr. ALAN A. MILNE, with +illustrations by Mr. H. M. BROCK.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href= +"images/374.png"><img width="100%" src="images/374.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<p class="center">A CONSOLING THOUGHT.</p> +<p><i>Belated Traveller (surprised by a bull when taking a short +cut to the station).</i> "BY JOVE! I BELIEVE I SHALL CATCH THAT +TRAIN AFTER ALL."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Alexander had his 'Plutarch' always under his +pillow."—<i>British Weekly.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>This must have been a very early edition.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Colombo is suffering from an attack of rabies and there have +been 38 cases reported so far. In the first six months of the year +1,300 days were destroyed."—<i>Singapore Free Press</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Let us hope that every day had its dog.</p> +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11443 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/11443-h/images/359.png b/11443-h/images/359.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b26e62b --- /dev/null +++ b/11443-h/images/359.png diff --git a/11443-h/images/361.png b/11443-h/images/361.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2feec80 --- /dev/null +++ b/11443-h/images/361.png diff --git a/11443-h/images/362.png b/11443-h/images/362.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c37e55d --- /dev/null +++ b/11443-h/images/362.png diff --git a/11443-h/images/363.png b/11443-h/images/363.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d78202f --- /dev/null +++ b/11443-h/images/363.png diff --git a/11443-h/images/365.png b/11443-h/images/365.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9209a0d --- /dev/null +++ b/11443-h/images/365.png diff --git a/11443-h/images/366.png b/11443-h/images/366.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..97fc138 --- /dev/null +++ b/11443-h/images/366.png diff --git a/11443-h/images/367.png b/11443-h/images/367.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d860d39 --- /dev/null +++ b/11443-h/images/367.png diff --git a/11443-h/images/368.png b/11443-h/images/368.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..751bd80 --- /dev/null +++ b/11443-h/images/368.png diff --git a/11443-h/images/369.png b/11443-h/images/369.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c3d6572 --- /dev/null +++ b/11443-h/images/369.png diff --git a/11443-h/images/370.png b/11443-h/images/370.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e3d04eb --- /dev/null +++ b/11443-h/images/370.png diff --git a/11443-h/images/371.png b/11443-h/images/371.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..126b66d --- /dev/null +++ b/11443-h/images/371.png diff --git a/11443-h/images/373.png b/11443-h/images/373.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9d95336 --- /dev/null +++ b/11443-h/images/373.png diff --git a/11443-h/images/374.png b/11443-h/images/374.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..af72d59 --- /dev/null +++ b/11443-h/images/374.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..05b90e1 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #11443 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/11443) diff --git a/old/11443-8.txt b/old/11443-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1fc6930 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11443-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2008 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, +Nov. 28, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Nov. 28, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 4, 2004 [eBook #11443] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: iso-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 153, NOV. 28, 1917*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Andy Jewell, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11443-h.htm or 11443-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/4/11443/11443-h/11443-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/4/11443/11443-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 153 + +NOVEMBER 28, 1917 + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +"How the Germans never got wind of it," writes a correspondent of the +British attack on the HINDENBURG line, "is a mystery." The failure of +certain M.P.'s to ask questions about it in Parliament beforehand may +have had something to do with it. + + *** + +An order has been promulgated fixing the composition of horse chaff. The +approach of the pantomime season is thought to be responsible for it. + + *** + +"We are particularly anxious," writes the Ministry of Food, "that +Christmas plum-puddings should not be kept for any length of time." A +Young Patriots' League has been formed, we understand, whose members are +bent on carrying out Lord RHONDDA'S wishes at any cost to their parents. + + *** + +Another birthplace of ST. GEORGE has been captured in Palestine. It is +now definitely established that the sainted warrior's habit of trying to +carry-on in two places at the same time was the subject of much adverse +criticism by the military experts of the period. + + *** + +A Camberley man charged with deserting the Navy and joining the Army +explained that he was tired of waiting for TIRPITZ to come out. We +are informed that Commander CARLYON BELLAIRS, M.P., and Admiral W.H. +HENDERSON have been asked to enlighten the poor fellow as to the true +state of affairs. + + *** + +A skull of the Bronze Age has been found on Salisbury Plain. Several +hats of the brass age have also been seen in the vicinity. + + *** + +Imports of ostrich feathers have fallen from £33,000 in 1915 to £182 +in 1917. Ostrich farmers, it appears, are on the verge of ruin as +the result of their inability to obtain scissors and other suitable +foodstuffs for the birds. + + *** + +"Measures are being taken to check pacifists," says Sir GEORGE CAVE. +Prison-yard measures, we hope. + + *** + +A Stoke Newington constable has discovered a happy method of taking +people's minds off their food troubles. During the last month he has +served fifty of them with dog-summonses. + + *** + +Five hundred pounds have been sent to the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER +by an anonymous donor. It is thought that the man is concealing his +identity to avoid being made a baronet. + + *** + +"What is the use of corporations if they can do nothing useful?" asks +Councillor STOCK, of Margate. It is an alluring topic, but a patriotic +Press has decided that it must be postponed in favour of the War. + + *** + +During trench-digging on Salisbury Plain the skeleton of a young man, +apparently buried about the year 600 B.C., was unearthed. The skull was +partially fractured, evidently by a battle-axe. Foul play is suspected. + + *** + +Sugar was sold for half-a-guinea a pound at a charity sale in the +South of England, and local grocers are complaining bitterly of unfair +competition. + + *** + +A contemporary points out that there is a soldier in the North +Staffordshire Regiment whose name is DOUGLAS HAIG. Riots are reported in +Germany. + + *** + +"Can Fish Smell?" asks a weekly paper headline. We can only say that in +our experience they sometimes do, especially on a Monday. + + *** + +An employer pleading for an applicant before the Egham Tribunal stated +that he had an oil-engine which nobody else would go near. We cannot +help thinking that much might be done with a little tact, such as going +up to the engine quietly and stroking its face, or even making a noise +like a piece of oily waste. + + *** + +Germany's new Hymn of Hate has been published. To give greater effect to +the thing and make it more fearful, Germans who contemplate singing it +are requested to grow side-whiskers. + + *** + +It is rumoured that since his recent tirade at York against newspapers +Dr. LYTTELTON has been made an Honorary Member of the Society of +Correctors of the Press. + + *** + +_The Evening News_ informs us that Mr. HENRY WHITE, a grave-digger of +Hellingly, has just dug his thousandth grave. Congratulations to our +contemporary upon being the first to spread the joyful news. + + *** + +Unfortunately, says _The Daily Mail_, Lord NORTHCLIFFE cannot be in four +places at once. Pending a direct contradiction from the new Viscount +himself, we can only counsel the country to bear this announcement with +fortitude. + + *** + +Only the other day _The Daily Chronicle_ referred to the Premier as "Mr. +George," just as if it had always been a penny paper. + + *** + +The rush to a certain Northern suburb has died down. The rumour that +there was a polite grocer there turns out to be cruelly at variance with +the facts. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JOY-RIDING UP-TO-DATE. + +THE UNDEFEATED WAR-PROFITEER.] + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER SEX-PROBLEM. + + "Plaintiff was the daughter of an officer in the Royal Irish + Constabulary, and was a grand-nephew of Dr. Abernethy, the famous + surgeon."--_Evening Paper_. + + * * * * * + +From a recent novel:-- + + "His face was of the good oatmeal type, and grew upon one." + +Useful in these days of rations. + + + * * * * * +From _The New Statesman's_ comment on Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S Paris speech. + + "He does try to be Biblical sometimes. In the Paris speech he used + the unnatural word 'yea' twice. Each time it gave one shudders down + the back." + +No doubt next time, in view of our obligations to U.S.A., the PRIME +MINISTER will say "Yep." + + * * * * * + +THE VICTORY. + +[_For J.B., with the author's affectionate pride._] + +HINDENBURG TO MACKENSEN. + + Dear MAC, in that prodigious thrust + In which your valiant legions vie + With HANNIBAL'S renown, I trust + You go a shade more strong than I; + Lately I've lost a lot of scalps, + Which is a dem'd unpleasant thing; + You may enjoy the Julian Alps-- + I do not like this JULIAN BYNG. + + I find him full of crafty pranks: + Without the usual warning fire + He loosed his beastly rows of tanks + And sent 'em wallowing through my wire; + For days and days he kept the lid + Hard down upon his low designs, + Then simply walked across and did + Just what he liked with all my lines. + + The fellow doesn't keep the rules; + Experts (I'm one myself) advise + That in trench-warfare even fools + Cannot be taken by surprise; + It isn't done; and yet he came + With never a previous "Are you there?" + And caught me--this is not the game-- + Bending my thoughtful gaze elsewhere. + + _Later_.--My route is toward the rear. + Where I shall stand and stop the rot + Lord only knows; and now I hear + Your forward pace is none too hot; + Indeed, with BYNG upon the burst, + If at this rate I make for home, + I doubt not who will get there first, + I to the Rhine, or you to Rome. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE LITERARY ADVISER. + +No, he does not appear in the _Gazette_. War establishments know him +not and his appointment throws no additional labour upon the staff of +Messrs. COX AND CO. Unofficially he is known as O.C. Split Infinitives. +His duties are to see that the standard of literary excellence, which +makes the correspondence of the Corps a pleasure to receive, is +maintained at the high level set by the Corps Commander himself. Indeed +the velvety quality of our prose is the envy of all other formations. + +Apart from duties wholly literary, he is also O.C. Code Names. The +stock-in-trade for this skilled labour is an H.B. pencil and a Webster +Dictionary. The routine is simplicity itself. As soon as anybody informs +him of a new arrival in the area he fishes out the dictionary, plays +Tit-Tat-Toe with the H.B., writes out the word that it lands upon at the +end of his rhyme, and, hey presto! there is another day's work done. + +But one day, for the sake of greater secrecy, it became necessary to +rename all the units of the area, and the Literary Adviser suddenly +found himself put to it to provide about three hundred new Code Names at +once. Heroically he set to work with his dictionary, his H.B. pencil, +and his little rhyme. For two days the Resplendent Ones in the General +Staff Office bore patiently with the muttering madman in the corner. +For two days he fluttered the leaves of his dictionary and +whispered hoarsely to himself, "Tit-tat-toe, my-first-go, +three-jolly-nigger-boys-all-in-a-_row_," picking out word after word +with unerring accuracy until the dictionary was a waste of punctures and +three generations of H.B.'s had passed away. Before the second day was +out the jingle had done its dreadful work. It was as much as the clerks +could do to avoid keeping step with it. The climax came when the Senior +Resplendent One, looking down at the telegram he was writing, found to +his horror that he had written, "Situation quiet Tit-Tat-Toe. Hostile +artillery activity normal Tit-Tat-Toe," and so on, substituting this +abomination in place of the official stop, ("Ack-Ack-Ack") throughout. + +It was enough. Still gibbering, the Literary Adviser was hurled forth +from the office and told to work his witchcraft in solitude. + +Paler, thinner and older by years he emerged from his retirement +triumphant, and the new code names went forth to a flourish of trumpets +or rather of the hooters of the despatch-riders. + +Then it began. For days he was subjected to rigorous criticisms of his +selection. "Signals" tripped him up first by pointing out two units with +the same name, and they also went on to point out that the word was +spelt "cable" in the first instance and "cabal" in the second. The +gunners, working in groups, complained bitterly that a babel had arisen +through the similarity of the words allotted to their groups. One +infuriated battery commander said it was as much as he could do to get +anyone else on the telephone but himself. + +Touched to the quick by criticism (when was it ever otherwise amongst +his kind?) the Adviser set aside his real work (he was, of course, +writing a book about the War) and applied himself to, the task of +straightening the tangle. Obviously the ideal combination would be for +each unit to have a code name that nobody could mistake no matter how +badly it was pronounced. And to this ideal he applied himself. Often, on +fine afternoons, the serenity of the country-side was disturbed by the +voice of one crying in the wilderness, "Soap--Silk--Salvage--Sympathy," +to see if any dangerous similarity existed. At dinner a glaze would +suddenly come over his eyes, his lips would move involuntarily and +mutter, as he gazed into vacancy, "Mustard--Mutton--Meat--Muffin." + +Histrionic effort played no small part in these attempts and +led to a good deal of misunderstanding, for he felt it incumbent +on him to try his codes in every possible dialect. Instead of +the usual cheery "Good morning," a major of a famous Highland +regiment was scandalised by an elderly subaltern blethering out, +"Cannibal--Custard--Claymore--Caramel," in an abominable Scotch accent. +Another day (on receipt of written orders) he was compelled to visit the +line to see if things had been built as reported, or, if it was just +optimism again. Half-an-hour later a sentry brought him down the trench +at the point of the bayonet for muttering as he rounded the traverse, +"Galoot--Gunning--Grumble--Grumpy," in pseudo-Wessex. Naturally, to +Native Yorkshire this sounded like pure Bosch. + +Ah! but he won through in the end. The man who has stood five years of +unsuccessful story-writing for magazines is not the kind to let himself +be beaten easily. There could be no doubt of the final result. When the +revised list was issued the response to the inquiry, "Hullo, is that +Sink?" was met by a "No, this is Smack," that crashed through the +thickest intellect. + +But vaulting ambition had o'erleapt itself. As a covering note to the +new issue he had put up the following letter:-- + +"Ref. G K etc., etc., of 10th inst. On November 3rd all previous issues +of Code Names will be cancelled in favour of the more euphonious +nomenclature which is forwarded herewith." + +A shriek of joy echoed through the corps. "Euphonious!" What a word! +What a discovery in a foreign country! The joy of the signal operators, +on whom something of the spirit of the old-time bus-drivers has +descended, was indescribable. You had only to pick up the receiver at +any time and the still small voices of the busy signal world could be +heard chortling, "Hullo-oo? Hullo, Euphonious! How's your father? +Yes, give me Crump." Or, "No, I can't get the General; he's left his +euphonious receiver off." + +Poor Euphonious (he has never been called by anything else since)--they +have threatened to make him O.C. Recreations for Troops. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BIRDS OF ILL OMEN. + +MR. PUNCH. "ONLY GOT HIM IN THE TAIL, SIR." + +THE MAN FROM WHITEHALL. "YES, BUT I MEAN TO GET THE NEXT ONE IN THE +NECK."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mistress_. "I HOPE YOU'RE DOING WHAT YOU CAN TO +ECONOMISE THE FOOD." + +_Cook_. "OH, YES'M. WE'VE PUT THE CAT ON MILK-AN'-WATER."] + + * * * * * + +PARS WITH A PUNCH. + +ALL THE REAL NEWS ABOUT MEN, WOMEN AND THINGS. + +BY OUR RAMBLING GOSSIP. + +_(With acknowledgments to some of our contemporaries.)_ + +_A Long-Felt Want._ + + +The opening, next week, of a Training School for Bus and Tube Travellers +will, it is hoped, supply a long-felt want in the Metropolis. I +understand that a month's course at the establishment will enable the +feeblest of mortals to hold his own and more in the fearful mêlée that +rages daily round train and vehicle. I have a prospectus before me as +I write; here are some of its sub-heads: "The Strap-Hanger's +Stranglehold," "Foot Frightfulness," "How to Enter a Bus Secretly," "The +Umbrella Barrage," "Explosives--When their Use is Justified," "What to +do when the Conductor Falls off the Bus." This certainly promises a +speedy amelioration of present-day travelling conditions. + + +_Timbuctoo Tosh_. + +Last week, when all those ridiculous rumours anent Timbuctoo were flying +about, you will remember how I warned you to set no faith in them. You +will admit that I was a good counsellor. Nothing _has_ happened at +Timbuctoo. I doubt very much whether anything _could_ happen there. + + +_Hush!_ + +On the other hand, keep your eye on a spot not a thousand miles away +from Clubland. Something will certainly happen there some day, and, when +it does, bear in mind that I warned you. + + +_Amazing Discovery._ + +Mr. ROOSEVELT'S discovery that, unknown to himself, he has been blind in +one eye for over a year, is surely surpassed by the experience of Mr. +Caractacus Crowsfeet, the popular M.P. for Slushington, who has just +learnt, as the result of a cerebral operation, that he possesses no +brain whatever. "It is indeed remarkable," said Mr. C. to me the other +day, "for I can truthfully assert that in all my arduous political +labours of the past ten years I have never felt the need or even +noticed the absence of this organ." He coughed modestly. "I have always +maintained that in politics it is the man, not the mind, that counts." + + +_She Has One!_ + +Mrs. Zebulon Napthaliski proposes to spend the winter on her Brighton +estate. "Yes--I _have_ received my sugar card," she told me, in answer +to my eager query. "More than that I cannot say." + + +_Fare and Foliage._ + +That charming fashion of decorating the dinner-table with foliage will +be all the rage this winter. Well-known London hostesses, basket on arm, +may daily be seen in Mayfair garnering fallen leaves from lawn, path or +roadside. Some very daring Society women are dispensing altogether with +a cloth, the table being covered with a complete layer of leaves. I +doubt, however, whether this will become popular, guests showing a +tendency to mislay their knives and forks in the foliage. + + +_A Bon Mot._ + +Have you heard the latest _bon mot_ that is going the round of the +clubs? Mrs. Savory Beet, of Pacifist fame, has, as you will recall, +announced her intention of taking up war work. "Ah!" was the comment of +a cynical bachelor, "it was a case of her taking up something or being +taken up herself!" His audience simply screamed with laughter. + + * * * * * + +_Watch Out!_ + +Don't be surprised if you hear of some sensational political +developments in the near future. The Minister who said recently that +the inevitable sequel to war was peace, was, in the opinion of those +competent to judge but, by reason of their official position, unable to +criticise, hinting at proposals which, if the signs and portents of the +time go for anything, would have far-reaching effects on the question of +Electoral Representation. I will say no more. Time alone will disclose +my meaning. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Urchin (with an inborn terror of the Force)._ "Oo, +MUVVER! IT WON'T, WILL IT?"] + + * * * * * + +OMINOUS. + + "----went every morning to a firm of sausage-makers by whom he was + employed as a horse-dealer."--_Irish Paper_. + + * * * * * + +"Rome, Saturday. + + "The announcement is made to-day of the award by the King [of Italy] + of gold medals to Lieutenant Giuseppe Castruccio and I sentence him + to three months' hard."--_Manchester Evening Chronicle_. + +When will British journalists learn not to interfere with the internal +affairs of friendly nations? + + * * * * * + +THE LAST MATCH. + + This is the last, the very, very last. + Its gay companions, who so snugly lay + Within the corners of their fragile home, + All, all are lightly fled and surely gone; + And their survivor lingers in his pride, + The last of all the matches in the house; + For Mr. Siftings says he has no more, + And Siftings is an honourable man, + And would not state a fact that was not so. + For now he has himself to do without + The flaming boon of matches, having none, + And cannot furnish us as he desires, + Being a grocer and the best of men, + But murmurs vaguely of a future week + When matches shall be numerous again + As leaves in Vallombrosa and as cheap. + Blinks, the tobacconist, he too is spent + With weary waiting in a matchless land; + What Siftings cannot get cannot be got + By men like Blinks, that young tobacconist, + Who tried with all a patriot's fiery zeal + To join the Army, but was sent away + For varicose and too protuberant veins; + And being foiled of all his high intent + Now minds the shop and is a Volunteer, + Drilling on Sundays with the rest of them; + He too, amid his hoards of cigarettes, + Is void of matches as he's full of veins. + So here's a good match in a naughty world, + And what to do with it I do not know, + Save that somehow, when all the place is still, + It shall explode and spurt and flame and burn + Slowly away, not having thus achieved + The lighting of a pipe or any act + Of usefulness, but having spent itself + In lonely grandeur as befits the last + Of all the varied matches I have known. + + * * * * * + +OUR SAMSONS. + + "Wanted at once.--Reliable Man for carrying off motor + lorry."--_Clitheroe Advertiser_. + + * * * * * + + "To-day the man possesses a second tumb, serviceable for all + ordinary purposes."--_Belfast Evening Telegraph_. + +In these days of restricted rations it seems a superflous luxury. + + * * * * * + + "Diamond Brooch, 15 cwt., set with three blue white diamonds; make a + handsome present; £9 9s."--_Derby Daily Telegraph_. + +It seems a lot for the money; but personally we would sooner have the +same weight of coals. + + * * * * * + +THE WAY DOWN. + +SYDNEY SMITH, or NAPOLEON or MARCUS AURELIUS (somebody about that time) +said that after ten days any letter would answer itself. You see what +he meant. Left to itself your invitation from the Duchess to lunch next +Tuesday is no longer a matter to worry about by Wednesday morning. You +were either there or not there; it is unnecessary to write now and say +that a previous invitation from the PRIME MINISTER--and so on. It was +NAPOLEON'S idea (or Dr. JOHNSON'S or MARK ANTONY'S--one of that circle) +that all correspondence can be treated in this manner. + +I have followed these early Masters (or whichever one it was) to the +best of my ability. At any given moment in the last few years there have +been ten letters that I absolutely _must_ write, thirty which I _ought_ +to write, and fifty which any other person in my position _would_ have +written. Probably I have written two. After all, when your profession +is writing, you have some excuse on returning home in the evenings for +demanding a change of occupation. No doubt if I were a coal-heaver by +day, my wife would see to the fire after dinner while I wrote letters. +As it is, she does the correspondence, while I gaze into the fire and +think about things. + +You will say, no doubt, that this was all very well before the War, but +that in the Army a little writing would be a pleasant change after the +day's duties. Allow me to disillusion you. If, three years ago, I ever +conceived a glorious future in which my autograph might be of value to +the more promiscuous collectors, that conception has now been shattered. +Three years in the Army has absolutely spoilt the market. Even were +I revered in the year 2,000 A.D. as SHAKSPEARE is revered now, my +half-million autographs, scattered so lavishly on charge-sheets, passes, +chits, requisitions, indents and applications would keep the price at a +dead level of about ten a penny. No, I have had enough of writing in +the Army and I never want to sign my own name again. "Yours sincerely, +HERBERT ASQUITH," "Faithfully yours, J. JELLICOE"--these by all means; +but not my own. + +However, I wrote a letter the other day; it was to the bank. It informed +them that I had arrived in London for a time and should be troubling +them again shortly, London being to all appearances an expensive place. +It also called attention to my new address--a small furnished flat in +which Celia and I can just turn round if we do it separately. When +it was written, there came the question of posting it. I was all for +waiting till the next morning, but Celia explained that there was +actually a letter-box on our own floor, twenty yards down the passage. I +took the letter along and dropped it into the slit. + +Then a wonderful thing happened. It went + +_Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty- +flipperty-flipperty-flipperty--FLOP._ + +I listened intently, hoping for more ... but that was all. Deeply +disappointed that it was over, but absolutely thrilled with my +discovery, I hurried back to Celia. + +"Any letters you want posted?" I said in an off-hand way. + +"No, thank you," she said. + +"Have you written any while we've been here?" + +"I don't think I've had anything to write." + +"I think," I said reproachfully, "it's quite time you wrote to +your--your bank or your mother or somebody." + +She looked at me and seemed to be struggling for words. + +"I know exactly what you're going to say," I said, "but don't say it; +write a little letter instead." + +"Well, as a matter of fact I _must_ just write a note to the laundress." + +"To the laundress," I said. "Of course, just a note." + +When it was written I insisted on her coming with me to post it. With +great generosity I allowed her to place it in the slit. A delightful +thing happened. It went + +_Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty- +flipperty-flipperty-flipperty--FLOP._ + +Right down to the letter-box in the hall. Two flipperties a floor. (A +simple calculation shows that we are perched on the fifth floor. I am +glad now that we live so high. It must be very dull to be on the fourth +floor with only eight flipperties, unbearable to be on the first with +only two.) + +"_O-oh!_ How _fas_-cinating!" said Celia. + +"Now don't you think you ought to write to your mother?" + +"Oh, I _must_." + +She wrote. We posted it. It went + +_Flipperty-flipperty_----However, you know all about that now. + +Since this great discovery of mine, life has been a more pleasurable +business. We feel now that there are romantic possibilities about +letters setting forth on their journey from our floor. To start life +with so many flipperties might lead to anything. Each time that we send +a letter off we listen in a tremble of excitement for the final FLOP, +and when it comes I think we both feel vaguely that we are still +waiting for something. We are waiting to hear some magic letter go +_flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty_ ... and behold! there is +no FLOP ... and still it goes on--_flipperty-flipperty-flipperty- +flipperty_--growing fainter in the distance ... until it arrives at +some wonderland of its own. One day it must happen so. For we cannot +listen always for that FLOP, and hear it always; nothing in this world +is as inevitable as that. One day we shall look at each other with awe +in our faces and say, "But it's still flipperting!" and from that time +forward the Hill of Campden will be a place holy and enchanted. Perhaps +on Midsummer Eve-- + +At any rate I am sure that it is the only way in which to post a letter +to Father Christmas. + +Well, what I want to say is this: if I have been a bad correspondent in +the past I am a good one now; and Celia, who was always a good one, is +a better one. It takes at least ten letters a day to satisfy us, and we +prefer to catch ten different posts. With the ten in your hand together +there is always a temptation to waste them in one wild rush of +flipperties, all catching each other up. It would be a great moment, but +I do not think we can afford it yet; we must wait until we get even more +practised at letter-writing. And even then I am doubtful; for it might +be that, lost in the confusion of that one wild rush, the magic letter +would start on its way--_flipperty-flipperty_--to the never-land, and we +should forever have missed it. + +So, friends, acquaintances, yes, and even strangers. I beg you now to +give me another chance. I will answer your letters, how gladly. I +still think that NAPOLEON (or CANUTE or the younger PLINY--one of the +pre-Raphaelites) took a perfectly correct view of his correspondence ... +but then _he_ Never had a letter-box which went + +_Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty- +flipperty-flipperty-flipperty--FLOP._ + +A.A.M. + + * * * * * + +THE H.D. AND Q. DEPARTMENT. + + "Major-General F.G. Bond is gazetted Director of Quartering at the + War Office." + +Pacifists beware! + + * * * * * + + "DIRTY WORK AT DOWNING STREET. BY HORATIO BOTTOMLEY." + + _John Bull._ + +They shouldn't have let him in. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer._ "WHY WERE YOU NOT AT ROLL-CALL LAST NIGHT?" + +_Defaulter._ "WELL, SIR, WITH THIS 'ERE CAMP CAMOUFLAGED SO MUCH, I +COULDN'T FIND MY WAY OUT OF THE CANTEEN."] + +COUNTER TACTICS. + +About a year ago I paid a visit to my hosier and haberdasher with +the intention of purchasing a few things with which to tide over +the remaining months of winter. After the preliminary discussion of +atmospherics had been got through, the usual raffle of garments was +spread about for my inspection. I viewed it dispassionately. Then, +discarding the little vesties of warm-blooded youth and the double-width +vestums of rheumatic old age, I chose several commonplace woollen +affairs and was preparing to leave when my hosier and haberdasher leaned +across the counter and whispered in my ear. + +"If I may advise you, Sir, you would be wise to make a large selection +of these articles. We do not expect to replace them." + +He glanced cautiously at an elderly gentleman who was stirring up a box +of ties, then, lowering his voice another semitone, added, "The mills +are now being used exclusively for Government work." He insinuated the +death-sentence effect very cleverly, and at that moment, coming to his +support, as it were, the old gentleman tottered up, seized upon two +garments and carried them off from under my very fingers. As he went out +a middle-aged lady entered and made straight for the residue upon the +counter. A feeling of panic came upon me. "Right you are," I exclaimed +hurriedly, "I'll take the lot." As a matter of fact she only wanted a +pair of gloves for her nephew in France. + +A few days later, still having the wool shortage in mind, I approached +my hosier and haberdasher on the subject of shirts. For a second or two +he looked thoughtfully at the toe of his boot. Then coming suddenly to a +decision he disappeared stealthily into the back premises, from which +he presently emerged carrying a large bale of flannel, which he cast +caber-wise upon the counter. + +"There," he said triumphantly, "I don't suppose there's another piece of +flannel like that in the country." He fingered it with an expert touch. + +"You don't say so," I said as I rubbed it reverently between my finger +and thumb, just to show that he wasn't the only one who could do it. + +"I'm afraid it's only too true," he confessed, "and I may add that, +after we have sold out our present stocks, flannel of any kind will be +absolutely unobtainable." + +"None at all?" I asked, horror-struck at the vision of my public life in +1920--a bow cravat over a double-width vestum. + +He shook his head and smiled wisely. + +I am instinctively against hoarding, but I knew that if I did not buy it +Jones would, and then some fine day, when nobody else had a shirt left, +he would swagger about and make my life intolerable. This decided me and +I bought the piece. + +A few days later it occurred to me that it might be advisable to lay +down some socks. My idea was in perfect unison with that of my hosier +and haberdasher. Socks were going to be unprocurable in a few months. I +patted myself on the back and bought up the 1916 vintage of Llama-Llama +footwear. The following week thirty-seven shirts arrived and I had to +buy a new chest-of-drawers. + +This, as I have stated before, was about a year ago. Yesterday I paid my +hosier and haberdasher another visit. If all the bone factories had not +been too exclusively engaged, etc., etc., I wished to buy a collar stud. +There was an elderly man standing in the shop. He was quite alone, +contemplating a mountain of garments. There were little vesties, +double-width vestums, and ordinary woollen affairs. + +You could have knocked me over with a dress-sock. + +And where was my hosier and haberdasher? Had the stranger--just awakened +to the value of his possessions--entered the shop and suddenly cast all +this treasure upon the counter? I imagined the shock of this procedure +on a man like my hosier and haberdasher, whose heart was perhaps a +trifle woolly. Had he collapsed? I glanced surreptitiously behind a +parapet of clocked socks. + +A moment later, from somewhere in the back premises, he appeared +carrying a large bale of flannel, which he cast caber-wise upon the +counter. I was dumbfounded. + +Then I knew the truth. + +"Sir," I said, turning to the stranger, "I believe you are about to make +a selection from these articles (I indicated them individually), which +you imagine to be the last of their race?" + +He nodded at me in a bewildered sort of way. + +"In a few months," I continued remorselessly, "they will be absolutely +unprocurable" (he gave a start of recognition), "and you, having bought +them, will sneak through life with the feelings of a food-hoarder, +mingled with those of the man who slew the last Camberwell Beauty. +I know the state of mind. But you need not distress yourself. These +garments (I indicated them again) will only be unprocurable because they +are in your possession. I have about half-a-ton myself, which, until a +few minutes age, would have been quite unprocurable. But I have changed +my mind and, if you will come with me, you can take your choice with +a clear conscience, and (I glanced maliciously at my faded hosier and +haberdasher) at the prices which were prevalent a year ago." + +I linked my arm with that of the stranger, and together we passed out of +the shop into the unpolluted light of day. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mother (to child who has been naughty)._ "AREN'T YOU +RATHER ASHAMED OF YOURSELF?" + +_Child._ "WELL, MOTHER, I WASN'T. BUT NOW THAT YOU'VE SUGGESTED IT I +AM."] + + * * * * * + +PRETENDING. + + I know a magic woodland with grassy rides that ring + To strange fantastic music and whirr of elfin wing, + There all the oaks and beeches, moss-mantled to the knees, + Are really fairy princes pretending to be trees. + + I know a magic moorland with wild winds drifting by, + And pools among the peat-hags that mirror back the sky; + And there in golden bracken the fronds that toss and turn + Are really little people pretending to be fern. + + I wander in the woodland, I walk the magic moor; + Sometimes I meet with fairies, sometimes I'm not so sure; + And oft I pause and wonder among the green and gold + If I am not a child again--pretending to be old. + +W.H.O. + + * * * * * + +It is understood that the FOOD-CONTROLLER has protested against the +forcible feeding of hunger-strikers. If they want to commit the Yappy +Dispatch, why shouldn't they? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ST. GEORGE OUT-DRAGONS THE DRAGON. [With Mr. Punch's +jubilant compliments to Sir DOUGLAS HAIG and his Tanks.]] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, November 19th._--Such a rush of Peers to the House of Commons +has seldom been seen. Lord WIMBORNE, who knows something of congested +districts, arrived early and secured the coveted seat over the clock. +Lord CURZON, holding a watching brief for the War Cabinet, was only just +in time to secure a place; and Lord COURTNEY and several others found +"standing room only." If we have many more crises Sir ALFRED MOND will +have to make provision for strap-hangers. + +There was very little sign of passion in Mr. ASQUITH'S measured +criticism of the Allied Council and of the PRIME MINISTER'S speech on +the subject in Paris. His foil was carefully buttoned, and though it +administered a shrewd thrust now and again it was not intended to draw +blood. + +At first the PRIME MINISTER followed this excellent example, and +contented himself with defending, and incidentally re-composing, his +Paris oration. The Allied Council, as now depicted, was a horse of +quite another colour from what it seemed in Paris. A further example of +_camouflage_, I suppose. + +Only when he came to deal with his Press critics did he let himself go, +to the delight of the House, which loves him in his swashbuckling mood. +As he confessed, however, that he had deliberately made "a disagreeable +speech" in Paris in order to get it talked about, the Press will +probably consider itself absolved. + +_Tuesday, November 20th._--Like John Bull, as represented in last week's +cartoon, Lord LAMINGTON has arrived at the conclusion that compulsory +rationing must come, and the sooner the better. Lord RHONDDA, however, +is still hopeful that John will tighten his own belt, and save him the +trouble. "More Yapping and Less Biting" should be our motto. But if we +fail to live up to it, the machinery for compulsory rationing is all +ready. Indeed, according to Lord DEVONPORT, it has been ready since +April last, when an "S.O.S." to the local authorities was on the point +of being sent, but a timely increase in imports stopped it. + +Nobody doubts Commander WEDGWOOD'S essential patriotism; he has proved +it like a knight of old on his body; but he is unfortunate in some of +his political associates, who take advantage of his good-nature. A book +with a preface by himself had been seized by the police on suspicion of +being seditious, and he loudly demanded to be prosecuted. But Sir GEORGE +CAVE was not inclined to set up a legal presumption that the writer of a +preface is responsible for the rest of the book. If he were, a good many +"forewords" would, I imagine, never have been written. + +_Wednesday, November 21st._--By a strange oversight the Royal Marines +were not specifically mentioned in the recent Vote of Thanks to the +Services. Apparently the fact that this country is proud of them is one +of those things that must not be told to the Marines. But Dr. MACNAMARA +assured the House that the omission should now be repaired. + +[Illustration: "His foil was carefully buttoned." + +MR. ASQUITH.] + +There has been a shortage of provisions in the city where _Lady Godiva_ +suffered from a shortage of clothes. Mr. CLYNES was prompt with a +remedy. A representative of the FOOD-CONTROLLER has already been sent to +Coventry. + +Conscientious Objectors found a doughty champion in Lord HUGH CECIL. +Rarely has an unpopular case been fortified with a greater wealth of +legal, historical and ethical argument. Only once, when he accused Mr. +BONAR LAW of holding the same doctrine as Herr BETHMANN-HOLLWEG, did he +lose, for a moment, the sympathy of his audience. But he soon recovered +himself, and thereafter held the House rapt with Cecilian harmonies. + +To such a lofty plane, indeed, had the debate been lifted that Mr. +RONALD MCNEILL, tall as he is, had some difficulty in bringing it down +to earth again; and when the division was called the spell was still +working, and in a very big House the "Conchies" only lost their votes by +thirty-eight. + +_Thursday, November 22nd._--Pending the introduction of the promised +censorship of Parliamentary Questions, Mr. JOSEPH KING is working +overtime. No story is too fantastically impossible to find a shelter +under his hospitable hat. To-day it was a secret treaty between the +Russian Government (old style) and the French Republic, by which Belgium +was to be compensated at the expense of Holland. Lord ROBERT CECIL +denounced it as an invention of the enemy. But I don't suppose the +denial had the smallest effect upon Mr. KING, who probably went off and +dined heartily on a magnum of mare's-nest soup. + +A tremendous accession to the ranks of the Sinn Feiners has been +narrowly averted. When Members read the menu which, according to Major +NEWMAN, the Irish Government has adopted for political prisoners--three +good square meals a day, including an egg, ten ounces of meat, a pound +and a half of bread, two pints and a half of milk, and real butter--they +were strongly minded to enlist under Mr. DE VALERA'S banner and get +themselves arrested forthwith. But Mr. DUKE'S emphatic denial shattered +their dream of repletion at the taxpayers' expense. + +A final attempt to get proportional representation included in the +Franchise Bill was heavily defeated. In a dashing attempt to save it Sir +MARK SYKES declared that the old Eatanswill methods of electioneering +had gone for ever--"no mouth was large enough to kiss thirty thousand +babies." But the majority of the House seemed to be more impressed by +the self-sacrificing argument of that eminent temperance advocate, Sir +THOMAS WHITTAKER, who feared that "P.R." would lead to an increase in +"milk-and-water politicians." + + * * * * * + +ALWAYS SOMETHING NEW FROM AFRICA. + + "A Belgian East African communiqué says that before the converging + advance of the Anglo-German Belgian columns, the enemy retired to + the south bank of the Kilimbero."--_Mombasa Times._ + +We seem to have met some of these Anglo-German columns in the Pacifist +Press. + + "Our machines then bombed the General, in which the + German Head-quarters at Constantinople are reported to be + situated."--_Times._ + +The General must have been stout, even for a German. + + "Not having regained consciousness the police are left with little + tangible evidence to work upon."--_Daily Telegraph._ + +Let us hope they will soon come to. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HOW TO UTILISE OUR SKILLED CRAFTSMEN. + +_First Lieutenant._ "WHAT WAS THIS MAN BEFORE HE JOINED?" + +_Petty Officer._ "OPTICIAN, SIR." + +_First Lieutenant._ "WHAT HAD WE BETTER GIVE HIM TO DO?" + +_Petty Officer._ "THERE'S THEM PRISMATIC SPOTTING GLASSES, SIR. THE +LEATHER STRAP IS BROKEN OFF THEM. HE COULD SPLICE IN A PIECE O' COD +LINE."] + + * * * * * + +_LE POILU DE CARCASSONNE._ + + THE _poilus_ of France on the Western Front are brave as brave can be, + Whether they hail from rich Provence or from ruined Picardie; + It's the self-same heart from the lazy Loire and the busy banks of Seine, + Undaunted by perpetual mud or cold or gas or pain; + And all are as gay as men know how whose wealth and friends are gone, + But the gayest of all is a little white dog that came from Carcassonne. + + He was brought as a pup by a _Midi_ man to a sector along the Aisne, + But his man laid the wire one pitch-black night and never came back again. + The pup stood by with one ear down and the other a question mark, + And at times he licked his dead friend's face and at times he tried to bark, + Till the listening sentry heard the sound, and when the daylight shone + He looked abroad and cried, "_Bon Guieu! C'est le poilu de Carcassonne!_" + + So the dead man's _copains_ kept the dog on the strength of the company. + And whoever went short it was not the pup, though a greedy pup was he; + They gave him their choicest bits of _sinje_ and drops of _pinard_ too; + He was warm and safe when he crept beneath a cloak of horizon-blue; + They clipped fresh _brisques_ in his rough white coat as the weary months + dragged on, + And all the sector knows him now as _le Poilu de Carcassonne_. + + And in return he keeps their hearts from that haunting foe, _l'ennui_; + He's their plaything, friend, and sentry too, and a lover of devilry; + He helps them to hunt out rats or Boches; he burrows and sniffs for mines, + And he growls when the murderous shrapnel flies screaming above the lines; + His little black nose is a-quiver with glee whenever a raid is on, + And they say with pride, "_C'est la guerre elle-même, notre Poilu de + Carcassonne!_" + + There was none more glad when they went to rest in their billet, a + ruined shack, + But when they returned to the front-line trench he was just as pleased + to be back; + He's the spirit of fun itself, and so when other men feel blue, + His friends remark, "_Le cafard, quoi? On l'connait pas chez nous!_" + So when you drink to the valiant French and the glorious fights they've won + Just raise your glass to a little white dog that came from Carcassonne. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"LOYALTY." + +If you are a pernickety intellectual (_soi-disant_) you may really +permit yourself to be faintly amused at the fiery zeal of the +mystery-wrapt author of _Loyalty_ for his (or, quite possibly, her) +country's cause in this difficult hour. If you are cast in the common +human mould that nowadays is seen for the glorious thing it is, you will +respond to many single-minded, wholesome thoughts in the impassioned +statement of his thesis. And if you happen to belong to that simple +discredited breed, the English, so long overshadowed by the nimbler +Britons, you may have quite a nice little private thrill of your own, +a thrill of pride in your precious stone, and begin to think with +seriousness of the advantages of "home rule all round" in an +England-for-the-English mood, and of the value of a nationalism that is +as irrational as conjugal or mother love--and as fine. + +The author's hero is an Englishman of the wandering type, assistant +editor on a crank paper. The play is a protracted debate in four +sessions, June, 1914; July, 1914; August, 1914; September, 1916. And +here the author makes his most serious mistake, the mistake made by Mr. +HENRY ARTHUR JONES in his recent squib. If he had contrived his Little +Navy folk, the proprietor, editor and revolving cranks as something +more than mere caricatures, brands of straw prepared for his consuming +bonfires, he would have strengthened, not weakened, his excellent case. +He has quoted his enemies' mistakes without their excuses, their texts +without their contexts. And that is a form of propaganda which can only +touch the converted, or such of them as are not stirred by a sporting +instinct to a certain mood of protest and a wish that the other fellow +should be given a better start in the heresy hunt. + +The _dramatis personae_, then, divide themselves into the men of straw +and the right sort. Of the former you have first _Sir Andrew Craig_, +chairman of the party in his constituency and editor of _The New +Standard_ (there were indeed altogether new standards of efficiency, +mentality and hospitality in that rather imaginative newspaper office of +the First Act). Mr. FISHER WHITE gave us the courtly-obstinate old man +to the life (this player has a way of removing straw). In the dramatic +passage in which, returning after being broken in a German prison, he +relates some of the horrors of which it is good for us to be reminded, +he rose to the height of his fine talent. His exquisite elocution--a +remarkable feat of virtuosity--was in itself a sheer delight. + +_Mr. Stutchbury_, the editor, pacifist and sentimental democrat, was +dealt to Mr. LENNOX PAWLE. He played his hand well. There was never such +an editor outside Bedlam; but Mr. PAWLE is a resourceful person and by a +score of clever tricks of gesture and business made a reasonable figure +of fun for our obloquy. All but broken in the end, but still claiming +that he had "the larger vision" (as he certainly had the larger +diameter), there was a certain dignity of pathos in his exit, a late +_amende_ by an otherwise remorseless puppet-maker. Mr. SYDNEY PAXTON +as a pillar of Nonconformity offered a clever study in the +unctuous-grotesque; Mr. VINCENT STERNROYD sketched a portrait of a +nut-consuming impenitent disarmamentist. The author is the first, so far +as I know, to give public emphasis to the queer fact of natural +history that there is some connection between extreme opinions and the +prominence of the Adam's apple of the holder of them--a fact on which I +have often pondered. + +Mr. M. MORAND, the aggressive Scots member of the election committee, +inspired to great heights of insobriety by the return of his +London-Scottish nephew from the Front, sounded a welcome human note, as +did Mr. SAM LIVESEY, the Labour Member of the committee, shaken out of +his detachment into an extreme explicitness of language by a Zeppelin +raid experience. Mr. GEORGE BELLAMY'S Welsh Disestablisher and Mr. +GRIFFITH HUMPHREYS' exuberant German press-agent of the pre-war period +were both really shrewd studies. + +Of the right sort there were but five--and one of these, the editor's +secretary, at heart an honest patriot, but in fact eating the bread of +shame, was perhaps not altogether of the right sort. Still he did get +off his chest at last the pent-up passion of years, and very well he did +it, with the help of Mr. RANDLE AYRTON, whose subtle little touches, +building up a picture of a disheartened hack, were very adroit indeed. + +Then there was young _Henry Craig_, at the beginning an undergraduate in +his last term, at the end a V.C. in his last resting-place. Mr. PERCIVAL +CLARKE'S was an adequate pleasant study. So also was Mr. PHILIP +ANTHONY'S of a Canadian, full of strange idioms, who butted in to just +the wrong corner of Fleet Street to put the editor wise about the +intentions of a Germany in which he had spent his last two years. And +then there was splendidly English _Frank Aylett_, exile returned, +unspoilt by the cynicism of party and paper, whose fortune came to him +just at the psychological moment, enabling him to give his proprietor +notice and fight and win a by-election in the astonied man's own +constituency, besides carrying off his daughter (Miss VIOLA TREE), who +was the fifth of the right sort. What more plausible English hero than +Mr. C. AUBREY SMITH, except that he had to talk a good deal more than +seemed appropriate to his type? There was a well-managed post-election +scene when he was at his best (as was the author). And all through there +was good and sometimes glorious sense for those to hear who had ears. + +The programme promised us about a month's interval between Acts I. and +II. It was actually less than that; but if Mr. J.H. SQUIRE's musicianly +orchestra had not been there to charm us we might conceivably have been +bored. + +T. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LIGHTER SIDE OF EDITORIAL LIFE. + +_Frank Aylett_ . . . . . . . . MR. C. AUBREY SMITH. + +_Anthea Craig_ . . . . . . . . MISS VIOLA TREE.] + + * * * * * + +MORE COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + + "FOR SALE.--A 45 H.P., 6 cyl.--Car, touring body, fitted with every + latest convenience. Exceptionally well sprung. Just purchased by + owner and run under 1,000 miles. Guaranteed over 25-galls. to the + mile by Agents. Rs. 11,000."--_Indian Paper_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DIVERSION" IN THE BALKANS.] + + * * * * * + +HEROES. + +If the question were put to a company of young women, "What is the most +thrilling experience you can have in a London street?" the odds are +a thousand to one that they would reply that nothing could be more +thrilling than to meet a famous actor in plain clothes and identify him. +I am not a young woman myself, but I should be inclined to share their +opinion. There is something about an actor in real life, moving along +like a human being--one of us--that always stirs my pulse. It is +exciting enough to see Mr. LLOYD GEORGE or Mr. ASQUITH or Sir OLIVER +LODGE; but no one stirs the imagination like an actor. + +That is why I still tremble a little whenever I think of my good fortune +the other afternoon in the Haymarket, and why my pen shakes as I +commit the adventure to paper. For I met face to face two of the most +successful actors in London--at the present moment, in the world. + +I was walking up the Haymarket in the rain, hoping, in spite of the new +prohibitive rates, that I might see an empty cab, when I met them coming +down. They were walking with a man whom I did not recognise, and, like +me, were getting wet. One thinks of successful actors as riding always +in taxis; but taxis are very rare nowadays, particularly in the wet, and +somehow it did not seem unnatural that they should be on foot. I am glad +enough that they were, or I should have missed my _frisson_; and others +would have suffered a similar loss, for the recognition was not only on +my part but on that of several passers-by, and it was instantaneous. +Indeed, I heard one lady tell her companion the name of the play they +are in and the extraordinary length of its run, and since she spoke +loudly I thought how delightful it must be to be a theatrical celebrity +and hear cordial things like that as you move about. Neither of them +paid any attention, however, although their friend showed signs that +the flattery had not escaped him; the two Illustrions (to coin a word) +merely walked on, superior to our homage, and disappeared into Charles +Street, where the stage door of His Majesty's is. + +Pouring though it was, and grovelling admirer of footlight favourites as +I am, somehow I never thought to offer either of them my umbrella. But +then one doesn't offer an umbrella to a donkey or a camel, even though +they are two of the stars of _Chu Chin Chow_. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER INJUSTICE. + +From a Sinn Fein speech:-- + + "When Ireland was silent England did not hear her cry + out."--_Wicklow News-Letter_. + + * * * * * + + "WHY SHOULD A RABBIT COST 2s. 3d.? + + "This question from a reader induces me to postpone until next week + my analysis of the high cost of onions."--_Empire News_. + +On the principle that it is better to make sure of the rabbit before +arranging about the stuffing. + + * * * * * + + "Stockholm, Tuesday. + + "News from Finland shows that the Socialist leaders have lost control + of the workmen, and all kinds of excesses are taking place. The + present Commandant at Tornea was a sailor, the head of the + passport office was a tailor, and the chief telegraphic censor a + tinker."--_Central News_. + +We miss the soldier, to say nothing of "apothecary, ploughboy, thief." + + * * * * * + + "Scholars and tragedians between them seem to have appropriated + the right to keep Shakespeare's memory green. But there are other + Richmonds in the field, humble Richmonds, not well read ... John of + Gaunt, crying that his England 'never did nor never shall lie at the + proud foot of a conqueror....'"--_The Times_. + +The writer who thus deprived the _Bastard_ in _King John_ of his famous +lines was, we infer, one of the "other Richmonds." + + * * * * * + +SUGAR. + +AN ELEGIAC ODE. + + Queen of the palate! Universal Sweet! + Gastronomy's delectable Gioconda! + Since with submission loyally I greet + And follow out the regimen of RHONDDA, + I cannot be considered indiscreet + If I essay, but never go beyond, a + Brief elegiac tribute to a sway + By sterner needs now largely swept away. + + Thy candy soothes the infant in its pram; + Thou addest mellowness to old brown sherry; + Thou glorifiest marmalade, on Cam + And Isis making breakfast-tables merry; + Thou lendest magic to the meanest jam + Compounded of the most insipid berry; + And canst convert the sourest crabs and quinces + To jellies fit for epicures and princes. + + Thou charmest unalloyed, in loaf or lumps + Or crystals; brown and moist, or white and pounded; + I never was so deeply in the dumps + That, once thy fount of sweetness I had sounded, + Courage returned not; even with the mumps + I still could view with gratitude unbounded + The navigators of heroic Spain + Who found the New World--and the sugar-cane. + + Sprinkled on buttered bread thou dost excite + In human boys insatiable cravings; + On Turkish (I regret to say) Delight + Thou lurest them to dissipate their savings, + Instead of banking them, or sitting tight, + Or buying useful books and good engravings; + And lastly, mixed with strawberries and cream, + Thou art more than a dish, thou art a dream. + + Before necessity, that knows no ruth, + Ordained thy frugal use in tea and coffee, + Some Stoics banned thee--men who in their youth + Showed an unnatural dislike of toffee; + For sweetness charms the normal human tooth, + Sweetness inspires the singer's tenderest strophe, + Since old LUCRETIUS musically chid + The curse of life--_amari aliquid_. + + _Eau sucrée_, I admit, is rather tame + Compared with beer or whisky blent with soda; + But gallant Frenchmen, experts at this game, + Commend it highly either as a _coda_ + Or prelude to their meals, and much the same + Is sherbet, which the Gaekwar of Baroda + And other Oriental satraps quaff + In preference to ale or half-and-half. + + Nor must I fail, O potent saccharin! + Thou chemic offspring of by-products coaly, + Late comer on the culinary scene, + To hail thy aid, although it may be lowly + Even compared with beet; for thou hast been + Employed in sweetening my roly-poly-- + Thou whom I once regarded as a dose + And now the active rival of glucose! + + But still I hear some jaundiced critic say, + Some rigid self-appointed _censor morum_, + "Why harp upon the pleasures of a day + When freely sweetened was each cup and jorum, + Ere stern controllers had begun to stay + The genial outflow of the _fons leporum?_ + Now sugar's scarce, and we must do without it, + Why let regretful fancy play about it?" + + True, yet it greatly goes against the grain, + Unless one has the patience of Ulysses, + Wholly and resolutely to refrain + From dwelling on the memory of past blisses; + Forbidden fruits allure the strong and sane; + Joys loved but lost are what one chiefly misses; + This is my best excuse if I deplore + "So sad, so _sweet_, the days that are no more." + + * * * * * + +'TATERS. + +SCENE: _At "The Plough and Horses_." + +"You seen Parson lately, George?" + +"Not lately I ain't, Luther." + +"Not since 'is 'taters be out o' ground?" + +"No. Finest crop in village, some do say." + +"That be right--sev'ral ton of 'em there be." + +"What to goodness do 'e want 'em all for, then? 'Im an' 's wife an' a +maid 'll never eat all them 'taters." + +"I'll tell you what 'e says to me, for 'appen 'e'll say it to you, +George, when 'e comes acrost you next. 'E says to me, 'I've growed +as many potatoes as I've had strength to grow, an' they've prospered +exceedin'ly,' 'e says, 'thank God! So if any deservin' folk in my parish +gets through wi' their own crop an' wants more later on they 'as only to +come to me, for I've growed more 'an my 'ouse'old 'll eat if they was to +eat all day.'" + +"'E be proud o' that?" + +"Fine an' proud 'e be." + +"An' yet it be some'at unfort'nate too. For all of us as is left in this +'ere parish 'as growed as many 'taters as they'll be like to need, same +as 'e. So I don't see nought but disappointment for Parson an' a lot o' +good 'taters lyin' to rot in their pies." + +"Some there be too fond o' Parson to let that 'appen. Me an' my wife +be sendin' few of ours to London ev'ry week or so. So in due season we +shall be free to go to Parson an' 'elp 'im through wi' 'is, same as 'e +wants us to. I 'ears as others is doin' some'at the same as us--fear is +as too many'll tumble to the idea, which is why I'd 'ave you keep it +fro' goin' further, George." + +"Silent as th' grave I'll be. So you're givin' your 'taters 'way to +please Parson? Yet I do allus say as 'taters what a man grows wi' sweat +of 'is own brow do beat all others in t' eatin'." + +"That may be; but us can't afford to be so mighty pernickerty in time o' +war. Nor we ain't givin' nothin 'way in manner o' speakin'. Fair market +price they gives for 'em in London. So it be somethin' in 'and in these +'ard times as well as savin' Parson from a bitter disappointment what 'e +ain't done nothin' to deserve, so far as I can see." + + * * * * * + + "Two organ grinders, aged 23 and 16, were taken to Charing Cross + Hospital to-day with bad injuries and severe shock, the result of a + barrel organ getting out of control in Rosebery-avenue."--_Evening + Paper_. + +They should try a less dangerous instrument next time. + + * * * * * + + "'Seed potatoes' means potatoes grown in Scotland or Ireland in the + year 1917, or grown in England or Wales in the year 1917 from seed + grown in Scotland or Ireland in the year 1916, which will pass + through a riddle having a 1-5/8-in. mesh, and will not pass through + a riddle having a 1-5/8-in. mesh."--_Journal of the Board of + Agriculture_. + +We ourselves cannot get through any riddle of this kind. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sergeant (instructing squad of volunteers in physical +drill)._ "THIS 'ERE HEXERCISE IS INTENDED TO 'ARDEN THE MUSCLES OF +THE STUMMICK AND MAKE IT HIMPERVIOUS TO GERMAN BULLETS HIN CASE OF +HINVASION."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_(By Mr, Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_ + +It is difficult within the ordinary limits of a review in these columns +to say all that one feels or even to express adequately one's gratitude +after reading the two volumes of Lord MORLEY'S generous and delightful +_Recollections_ (MACMILLAN). I seem to have been sitting with him in a +large and comfortable library while the great Viscount rolled me out his +mind, now breaking out into a glowing eulogy of GEORGE MEREDITH, JOSEPH +CHAMBERLAIN or LESLIE STEPHEN, or again dashing off with a few firm and +skilful strokes a portrait of JOHN MILL or HERBERT SPENCER, or some +other intellectual giant of that nineteenth century which Lord MORLEY +nobly defends and of which he himself was _grande decus columenque_. The +book is crammed with passages that arouse and maintain pleasure in +the reader and clamour for quotation on the part of the reviewer. +"Meredith," we are told, "who did not know Mill in person, once spoke to +me of him, with the confident intuition proper to imaginative genius, as +partaking of the Spinster. Disraeli, when Mill made an early speech in +Parliament, raised his eye-glass and murmured to a neighbour on the +bench, 'Ah, the Finishing Governess.'" Or we are introduced to SPENCER +at MILL'S table: "The host said to him at dessert that Grote, who was +present, would like to hear him explain one or more of his views about +the equilibration of molecules in some relation or other. Spencer, after +an instant of good-natured hesitation, complied with unbroken fluency +for a quarter-of-an-hour or more. Grote followed every word intently, +and in the end expressed himself as well satisfied. Mill, as we moved +off into the drawing-room, declared to me his admiration of a wonderful +piece of lucid exposition. Fawcett, in a whisper, asked me if I +understood a word of it, for he did not. Luckily I had no time to +answer." Or again: "Another contributor [to _The Saturday Review_] +was the important man who became Lord SALISBURY. He and I were alone +together in the editorial anteroom every Tuesday morning, awaiting our +commissions, but he too had a talent for silence, and we exchanged no +words, either now or on any future occasion." How charming a picture +is this of two shy British publicists maintaining towards one another, +against every possible discouragement, an inviolable silence. Not even +the weather could tempt them to break it. Yet the great characteristic +of this book is the large-hearted tolerance of comment and judgment +which makes it emphatically a friendly book. As such I commend it with +all the warmth in my power. + + * * * * * + +For her new story, _Missing_ (COLLINS), Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD has used her +knowledge, already proved elsewhere, of two settings, the English Lakes +and a Base Hospital somewhere in France. Also perhaps her knowledge +of human nature, though I like to think that there are not many elder +sisters so calculatingly callous as _Bridget_. The bother about her +was that she sadly wanted her attractive younger sister to marry a +sufficient establishment, not, I fear, from wholly altruistic motives. +So she was not altogether sorry when the impecunious soldier-husband, +whom _Nelly_ had personally preferred, was reported missing, thus +leaving that to chance once again open. Then, just as her plans seemed +to be prospering, word came secretly to her that there was a man +shattered and with memory lost in a base hospital who might possibly be +the brother-in-law whom she so emphatically didn't want. What happens +upon this you shall find out for yourself. Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD, as you +will notice, has no fear of a dramatic, even melodramatic, situation; +handles it, indeed, with a skill that the most popular might envy. +Thence onwards the story, perhaps a trifle slow in starting, gathers +force. The two visits to the camp at X---- (a very thin disguise for a +place that no Englishman of our time will ever forget) are admirably +vivid; the last chapters especially being as moving as anything that +Mrs. WARD has given us, whether in her popular, profound or propagandist +manner. + + * * * * * + +Lately, Mr. E.F. BENSON seems to have been devoting himself almost +wholly to chronicling the short and simple annals of the middle-aged. +With one exception, all his recent protagonists have been, if not +exactly in the sere and yellow, at least ripely mature. So that such +a title as that of his latest novel, _An Autumn Solving_ (COLLINS), +produced in me rather a feeling of familiar expectancy than of surprise. +Also when the wrapper artist clothes a volume with a picture of an +elderly gentleman obviously giving up an attractive young woman of +perhaps one-third his years it is idle to pretend that the contents +retain all the thrill of the unforeseen. Having said so much, I can let +myself go in praise (as how often before) of those qualities of insight +and gently sub-acid humour that make a BENSON novel an interlude of pure +enjoyment to the "jaded reviewer." In case the indiscreet cover may +happily have been removed before the volume reaches your hands, I do not +propose to give away the plot in any detail. The autumn sowing of course +produces a crop not exactly of wild oats, but of romantic tares that +springs in the hitherto barren heart of one _Keeling_, prosperous +tradesman, husband, father, mayor, public benefactor and baronet, +by reason of the too sympathetic damsel who types his letters and +catalogues his library. That library shows Mr. BENSON'S genius; +without it I should hardly have been able to believe in the subsequent +happenings, but, given this "secret garden," all the tragedy is +explained. I have left myself no space in which to do justice to some +admirable characterization. _Keeling's_ wife is worthy of a place in the +author's long gallery of woolly-witted matrons; while in _Silverdale_ he +has given a study of clerical futility and egotism almost savage in its +detestability, a portrait at which one laughs and shudders together. Of +course the book will have, and deserve, a huge welcome. + + * * * * * + +The union of scholarship and sympathy, enthusiasm and eloquence, is +rare; yet these qualities are to be found in perfect harmony in the +stately volume on the poets' poet which has just been published under +the style, on the cover, _Life of John Keats_, and on the title-page, +_John Keats, His Life and Poetry, His Friends, Critics and After-Fame_ +(MACMILLAN)--a volume upon which Sir SIDNEY COLVIN has been engaged ever +since his retirement from the Print Room of the British Museum, and may +be said to have been preparing to write all his days, ever since, as a +boy, he first opened the "magic casement." A book representing so long +and ardent a devotion, and written by one whose loyalties have always +been so cordially sustained and acknowledged, could not but glow; and it +is its warmth of feeling which, to my mind, peculiarly marks this very +distinguished work. It is more than a life; it is a "companion" to KEATS +so complete and understanding that one can with confidence apply to it +the abused word, "definitive." Critical essays on the poet no doubt will +continue to appear, but this is the last biographical monument likely to +be raised to him. + + * * * * * + +Your enjoyment of _The Head of the Family_ (METHUEN) may in a measure +depend upon your capacity to appreciate _William Linkhorn_ and the glory +of his "great flaming beard." To me, unhappily, _William_ was an uncouth +rustic, just that and very little else; but he possessed some mysterious +attraction for women; so, at any rate, Mrs. HENRY DUDENEY tells +me, though she does not explain to my satisfaction what it was. +_Phoebe-Louisa_ married him partly because she wanted a man to help in +her greengrocery; but what charm he had for her soon waned, and she +smote hard when she caught him philandering with _Beausire Fillery_. It +was all the lady's fault; _William_ had, so to speak, only to wave his +beard and she was at his feet. But if the hirsute feature of this story +leaves me cold it is easy enough to enjoy and admire the rest. The +_Firebraces_, spoken of here as "The Family," are most admirably drawn. +Never has the condescension of county people to those less exalted in +birth been described with more delightful irony. True that some of the +_Firebraces_ kicked over the traces and married whom they listed, but +the family as a whole was rooted deep enough to stand shocks which would +have devastated people of less assured position. The scenes of the story +are laid in and around Lewes, a part of England dear to Mrs. DUDENEY'S +heart, and of which she writes with real comprehension and devotion. + + * * * * * + +By a self-denying ordinance Mr. Punch declines, as a general rule, to +review in these columns the work of his Staff. But he may permit himself +to announce to all lovers of the gay humour of "A.A.M." that Messrs. +HODDER AND STOUGHTON have just brought out a new novel, _Once on a +Time_, by Mr. ALAN A. MILNE, with illustrations by Mr. H. M. BROCK. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CONSOLING THOUGHT. + +_Belated Traveller (surprised by a bull when taking a short cut to the +station)._ "BY JOVE! I BELIEVE I SHALL CATCH THAT TRAIN AFTER ALL."] + + * * * * * + + "Alexander had his 'Plutarch' always under his pillow."--_British + Weekly._ + +This must have been a very early edition. + + * * * * * + + "Colombo is suffering from an attack of rabies and there have been + 38 cases reported so far. In the first six months of the year 1,300 + days were destroyed."--_Singapore Free Press_. + +Let us hope that every day had its dog. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +153, NOV. 28, 1917*** + + +******* This file should be named 11443-8.txt or 11443-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/4/4/11443 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS,' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's +eBook number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII, +compressed (zipped), HTML and others. + +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks replace the old file and take over +the old filename and etext number. The replaced older file is renamed. +VERSIONS based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving +new filenames and etext numbers. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + +https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + +EBooks posted prior to November 2003, with eBook numbers BELOW #10000, +are filed in directories based on their release date. If you want to +download any of these eBooks directly, rather than using the regular +search system you may utilize the following addresses and just +download by the etext year. + +http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext06 + + (Or /etext 05, 04, 03, 02, 01, 00, 99, + 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90) + +EBooks posted since November 2003, with etext numbers OVER #10000, are +filed in a different way. The year of a release date is no longer part +of the directory path. The path is based on the etext number (which is +identical to the filename). The path to the file is made up of single +digits corresponding to all but the last digit in the filename. For +example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at: + +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/2/3/10234 + +or filename 24689 would be found at: +https://www.gutenberg.org/2/4/6/8/24689 + +An alternative method of locating eBooks: +https://www.gutenberg.org/GUTINDEX.ALL + +*** END: FULL LICENSE *** diff --git a/old/11443-8.zip b/old/11443-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..096f336 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11443-8.zip diff --git a/old/11443-h.zip b/old/11443-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2b7c4a2 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11443-h.zip diff --git a/old/11443-h/11443-h.htm b/old/11443-h/11443-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8e28c98 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11443-h/11443-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2007 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Nov. 28, 1917, by Various</title> +<style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .center {text-align: center;} + .author {text-align: right;} + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> +/*]]>*/ +</style> +</head> +<body> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, +Nov. 28, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen</h1> +<pre> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Nov. 28, 1917</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Release Date: March 4, 2004 [eBook #11443]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: iso-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 153, NOV. 28, 1917***</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<center><b>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Andy Jewell,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</b></center> +<br /> +<br /> +<hr class="full" /> +<br /> +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> +<h2>Vol. 153.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>November 28, 1917.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page359" id="page359"></a>[pg +359]</span> +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> +<p>"How the Germans never got wind of it," writes a correspondent +of the British attack on the HINDENBURG line, "is a mystery." The +failure of certain M.P.'s to ask questions about it in Parliament +beforehand may have had something to do with it.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An order has been promulgated fixing the composition of horse +chaff. The approach of the pantomime season is thought to be +responsible for it.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"We are particularly anxious," writes the Ministry of Food, +"that Christmas plum-puddings should not be kept for any length of +time." A Young Patriots' League has been formed, we understand, +whose members are bent on carrying out Lord RHONDDA'S wishes at any +cost to their parents.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Another birthplace of ST. GEORGE has been captured in Palestine. +It is now definitely established that the sainted warrior's habit +of trying to carry-on in two places at the same time was the +subject of much adverse criticism by the military experts of the +period.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Camberley man charged with deserting the Navy and joining the +Army explained that he was tired of waiting for TIRPITZ to come +out. We are informed that Commander CARLYON BELLAIRS, M.P., and +Admiral W.H. HENDERSON have been asked to enlighten the poor fellow +as to the true state of affairs.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A skull of the Bronze Age has been found on Salisbury Plain. +Several hats of the brass age have also been seen in the +vicinity.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Imports of ostrich feathers have fallen from £33,000 in +1915 to £182 in 1917. Ostrich farmers, it appears, are on the +verge of ruin as the result of their inability to obtain scissors +and other suitable foodstuffs for the birds.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Measures are being taken to check pacifists," says Sir GEORGE +CAVE. Prison-yard measures, we hope.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A Stoke Newington constable has discovered a happy method of +taking people's minds off their food troubles. During the last +month he has served fifty of them with dog-summonses.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Five hundred pounds have been sent to the CHANCELLOR OF THE +EXCHEQUER by an anonymous donor. It is thought that the man is +concealing his identity to avoid being made a baronet.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"What is the use of corporations if they can do nothing useful?" +asks Councillor STOCK, of Margate. It is an alluring topic, but a +patriotic Press has decided that it must be postponed in favour of +the War.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>During trench-digging on Salisbury Plain the skeleton of a young +man, apparently buried about the year 600 B.C., was unearthed. The +skull was partially fractured, evidently by a battle-axe. Foul play +is suspected.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Sugar was sold for half-a-guinea a pound at a charity sale in +the South of England, and local grocers are complaining bitterly of +unfair competition.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>A contemporary points out that there is a soldier in the North +Staffordshire Regiment whose name is DOUGLAS HAIG. Riots are +reported in Germany.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>"Can Fish Smell?" asks a weekly paper headline. We can only say +that in our experience they sometimes do, especially on a +Monday.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>An employer pleading for an applicant before the Egham Tribunal +stated that he had an oil-engine which nobody else would go near. +We cannot help thinking that much might be done with a little tact, +such as going up to the engine quietly and stroking its face, or +even making a noise like a piece of oily waste.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Germany's new Hymn of Hate has been published. To give greater +effect to the thing and make it more fearful, Germans who +contemplate singing it are requested to grow side-whiskers.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>It is rumoured that since his recent tirade at York against +newspapers Dr. LYTTELTON has been made an Honorary Member of the +Society of Correctors of the Press.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p><i>The Evening News</i> informs us that Mr. HENRY WHITE, a +grave-digger of Hellingly, has just dug his thousandth grave. +Congratulations to our contemporary upon being the first to spread +the joyful news.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Unfortunately, says <i>The Daily Mail</i>, Lord NORTHCLIFFE +cannot be in four places at once. Pending a direct contradiction +from the new Viscount himself, we can only counsel the country to +bear this announcement with fortitude.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Only the other day <i>The Daily Chronicle</i> referred to the +Premier as "Mr. George," just as if it had always been a penny +paper.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The rush to a certain Northern suburb has died down. The rumour +that there was a polite grocer there turns out to be cruelly at +variance with the facts.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href= +"images/359.png"><img width="100%" src="images/359.png" alt= +"" /></a>JOY-RIDING UP-TO-DATE.<br /> +THE UNDEFEATED WAR-PROFITEER.</div> +<hr /> +<h4>Another Sex-Problem.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"Plaintiff was the daughter of an officer in the Royal Irish +Constabulary, and was a grand-nephew of Dr. Abernethy, the famous +surgeon."—<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<p>From a recent novel:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"His face was of the good oatmeal type, and grew upon one."</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Useful in these days of rations.</p> +<hr /> +From <i>The New Statesman's</i> comment on Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S Paris +speech.<br /> +<br /> +<blockquote> +<p>"He does try to be Biblical sometimes. In the Paris speech he +used the unnatural word 'yea' twice. Each time it gave one shudders +down the back."</p> +</blockquote> +<p>No doubt next time, in view of our obligations to U.S.A., the +PRIME MINISTER will say "Yep."</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page360" id="page360"></a>[pg +360]</span> +<h2>THE VICTORY.</h2> +<p class="center">[<i>For J.B., with the author's affectionate +pride.</i>]</p> +<p class="center">HINDENBURG TO MACKENSEN.</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Dear MAC, in that prodigious thrust</p> +<p class="i4">In which your valiant legions vie</p> +<p class="i2">With HANNIBAL'S renown, I trust</p> +<p class="i4">You go a shade more strong than I;</p> +<p class="i2">Lately I've lost a lot of scalps,</p> +<p class="i4">Which is a dem'd unpleasant thing;</p> +<p class="i2">You may enjoy the Julian Alps—</p> +<p class="i4">I do not like this JULIAN BYNG.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I find him full of crafty pranks:</p> +<p class="i4">Without the usual warning fire</p> +<p class="i2">He loosed his beastly rows of tanks</p> +<p class="i4">And sent 'em wallowing through my wire;</p> +<p class="i2">For days and days he kept the lid</p> +<p class="i4">Hard down upon his low designs,</p> +<p class="i2">Then simply walked across and did</p> +<p class="i4">Just what he liked with all my lines.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">The fellow doesn't keep the rules;</p> +<p class="i4">Experts (I'm one myself) advise</p> +<p class="i2">That in trench-warfare even fools</p> +<p class="i4">Cannot be taken by surprise;</p> +<p class="i2">It isn't done; and yet he came</p> +<p class="i4">With never a previous "Are you there?"</p> +<p class="i2">And caught me—this is not the game—</p> +<p class="i4">Bending my thoughtful gaze elsewhere.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2"><i>Later</i>.—My route is toward the rear.</p> +<p class="i4">Where I shall stand and stop the rot</p> +<p class="i2">Lord only knows; and now I hear</p> +<p class="i4">Your forward pace is none too hot;</p> +<p class="i2">Indeed, with BYNG upon the burst,</p> +<p class="i4">If at this rate I make for home,</p> +<p class="i2">I doubt not who will get there first,</p> +<p class="i4">I to the Rhine, or you to Rome.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p class="center">O.S.</p> +<hr /> +<h2>THE LITERARY ADVISER.</h2> +<p>No, he does not appear in the <i>Gazette</i>. War establishments +know him not and his appointment throws no additional labour upon +the staff of Messrs. COX AND CO. Unofficially he is known as O.C. +Split Infinitives. His duties are to see that the standard of +literary excellence, which makes the correspondence of the Corps a +pleasure to receive, is maintained at the high level set by the +Corps Commander himself. Indeed the velvety quality of our prose is +the envy of all other formations.</p> +<p>Apart from duties wholly literary, he is also O.C. Code Names. +The stock-in-trade for this skilled labour is an H.B. pencil and a +Webster Dictionary. The routine is simplicity itself. As soon as +anybody informs him of a new arrival in the area he fishes out the +dictionary, plays Tit-Tat-Toe with the H.B., writes out the word +that it lands upon at the end of his rhyme, and, hey presto! there +is another day's work done.</p> +<p>But one day, for the sake of greater secrecy, it became +necessary to rename all the units of the area, and the Literary +Adviser suddenly found himself put to it to provide about three +hundred new Code Names at once. Heroically he set to work with his +dictionary, his H.B. pencil, and his little rhyme. For two days the +Resplendent Ones in the General Staff Office bore patiently with +the muttering madman in the corner. For two days he fluttered the +leaves of his dictionary and whispered hoarsely to himself, +"Tit-tat-toe, my-first-go, +three-jolly-nigger-boys-all-in-a-<i>row</i>," picking out word +after word with unerring accuracy until the dictionary was a waste +of punctures and three generations of H.B.'s had passed away. +Before the second day was out the jingle had done its dreadful +work. It was as much as the clerks could do to avoid keeping step +with it. The climax came when the Senior Resplendent One, looking +down at the telegram he was writing, found to his horror that he +had written, "Situation quiet Tit-Tat-Toe. Hostile artillery +activity normal Tit-Tat-Toe," and so on, substituting this +abomination in place of the official stop, ("Ack-Ack-Ack") +throughout.</p> +<p>It was enough. Still gibbering, the Literary Adviser was hurled +forth from the office and told to work his witchcraft in +solitude.</p> +<p>Paler, thinner and older by years he emerged from his retirement +triumphant, and the new code names went forth to a flourish of +trumpets or rather of the hooters of the despatch-riders.</p> +<p>Then it began. For days he was subjected to rigorous criticisms +of his selection. "Signals" tripped him up first by pointing out +two units with the same name, and they also went on to point out +that the word was spelt "cable" in the first instance and "cabal" +in the second. The gunners, working in groups, complained bitterly +that a babel had arisen through the similarity of the words +allotted to their groups. One infuriated battery commander said it +was as much as he could do to get anyone else on the telephone but +himself.</p> +<p>Touched to the quick by criticism (when was it ever otherwise +amongst his kind?) the Adviser set aside his real work (he was, of +course, writing a book about the War) and applied himself to, the +task of straightening the tangle. Obviously the ideal combination +would be for each unit to have a code name that nobody could +mistake no matter how badly it was pronounced. And to this ideal he +applied himself. Often, on fine afternoons, the serenity of the +country-side was disturbed by the voice of one crying in the +wilderness, "Soap—Silk—Salvage—Sympathy," to see +if any dangerous similarity existed. At dinner a glaze would +suddenly come over his eyes, his lips would move involuntarily and +mutter, as he gazed into vacancy, +"Mustard—Mutton—Meat—Muffin."</p> +<p>Histrionic effort played no small part in these attempts and led +to a good deal of misunderstanding, for he felt it incumbent on him +to try his codes in every possible dialect. Instead of the usual +cheery "Good morning," a major of a famous Highland regiment was +scandalised by an elderly subaltern blethering out, +"Cannibal—Custard—Claymore—Caramel," in an +abominable Scotch accent. Another day (on receipt of written +orders) he was compelled to visit the line to see if things had +been built as reported, or, if it was just optimism again. +Half-an-hour later a sentry brought him down the trench at the +point of the bayonet for muttering as he rounded the traverse, +"Galoot—Gunning—Grumble—Grumpy," in +pseudo-Wessex. Naturally, to Native Yorkshire this sounded like +pure Bosch.</p> +<p>Ah! but he won through in the end. The man who has stood five +years of unsuccessful story-writing for magazines is not the kind +to let himself be beaten easily. There could be no doubt of the +final result. When the revised list was issued the response to the +inquiry, "Hullo, is that Sink?" was met by a "No, this is Smack," +that crashed through the thickest intellect.</p> +<p>But vaulting ambition had o'erleapt itself. As a covering note +to the new issue he had put up the following letter:—</p> +<p>"Ref. G K etc., etc., of 10th inst. On November 3rd all previous +issues of Code Names will be cancelled in favour of the more +euphonious nomenclature which is forwarded herewith."</p> +<p>A shriek of joy echoed through the corps. "Euphonious!" What a +word! What a discovery in a foreign country! The joy of the signal +operators, on whom something of the spirit of the old-time +bus-drivers has descended, was indescribable. You had only to pick +up the receiver at any time and the still small voices of the busy +signal world could be heard chortling, "Hullo-oo? Hullo, +Euphonious! How's your father? Yes, give me Crump." Or, "No, I +can't get the General; he's left his euphonious receiver off."</p> +<p>Poor Euphonious (he has never been called by anything else +since)—they have threatened to make him O.C. Recreations for +Troops.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page361" id="page361"></a>[pg +361]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/361.png"><img width="100%" src="images/361.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<h3>BIRDS OF ILL OMEN.</h3> +<p>MR. PUNCH. "ONLY GOT HIM IN THE TAIL, SIR."</p> +<p>THE MAN FROM WHITEHALL. "YES, BUT I MEAN TO GET THE NEXT ONE IN +THE NECK."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page362" id="page362"></a>[pg +362]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/362.png"><img width="100%" src="images/362.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<p><i>Mistress</i>. "I HOPE YOU'RE DOING WHAT YOU CAN TO ECONOMISE +THE FOOD."</p> +<p><i>Cook</i>. "OH, YES'M. WE'VE PUT THE CAT ON +MILK-AN'-WATER."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>PARS WITH A PUNCH.</h3> +<p class="center">ALL THE REAL NEWS ABOUT MEN, WOMEN AND +THINGS.<br /> +BY OUR RAMBLING GOSSIP.<br /> +<br /> +<i>(With acknowledgments to some of our contemporaries.)</i></p> +<p><i>A Long-Felt Want.</i></p> +<p>The opening, next week, of a Training School for Bus and Tube +Travellers will, it is hoped, supply a long-felt want in the +Metropolis. I understand that a month's course at the establishment +will enable the feeblest of mortals to hold his own and more in the +fearful mêlée that rages daily round train and +vehicle. I have a prospectus before me as I write; here are some of +its sub-heads: "The Strap-Hanger's Stranglehold," "Foot +Frightfulness," "How to Enter a Bus Secretly," "The Umbrella +Barrage," "Explosives—When their Use is Justified," "What to +do when the Conductor Falls off the Bus." This certainly promises a +speedy amelioration of present-day travelling conditions.</p> +<p><i>Timbuctoo Tosh</i>.</p> +<p>Last week, when all those ridiculous rumours anent Timbuctoo +were flying about, you will remember how I warned you to set no +faith in them. You will admit that I was a good counsellor. Nothing +<i>has</i> happened at Timbuctoo. I doubt very much whether +anything <i>could</i> happen there.</p> +<p><i>Hush!</i></p> +<p>On the other hand, keep your eye on a spot not a thousand miles +away from Clubland. Something will certainly happen there some day, +and, when it does, bear in mind that I warned you.</p> +<p><i>Amazing Discovery.</i></p> +<p>Mr. ROOSEVELT'S discovery that, unknown to himself, he has been +blind in one eye for over a year, is surely surpassed by the +experience of Mr. Caractacus Crowsfeet, the popular M.P. for +Slushington, who has just learnt, as the result of a cerebral +operation, that he possesses no brain whatever. "It is indeed +remarkable," said Mr. C. to me the other day, "for I can truthfully +assert that in all my arduous political labours of the past ten +years I have never felt the need or even noticed the absence of +this organ." He coughed modestly. "I have always maintained that in +politics it is the man, not the mind, that counts."</p> +<p><i>She Has One!</i></p> +<p>Mrs. Zebulon Napthaliski proposes to spend the winter on her +Brighton estate. "Yes—I <i>have</i> received my sugar card," +she told me, in answer to my eager query. "More than that I cannot +say."</p> +<p><i>Fare and Foliage.</i></p> +<p>That charming fashion of decorating the dinner-table with +foliage will be all the rage this winter. Well-known London +hostesses, basket on arm, may daily be seen in Mayfair garnering +fallen leaves from lawn, path or roadside. Some very daring Society +women are dispensing altogether with a cloth, the table being +covered with a complete layer of leaves. I doubt, however, whether +this will become popular, guests showing a tendency to mislay their +knives and forks in the foliage.</p> +<p><i>A Bon Mot.</i></p> +<p>Have you heard the latest <i>bon mot</i> that is going the round +of the clubs? Mrs. Savory Beet, of Pacifist fame, has, as you will +recall, announced her intention of taking up war work. "Ah!" was +the comment of a cynical bachelor, "it was a case of her taking up +something or being <span class="pagenum"><a name="page363" id= +"page363"></a>[pg 363]</span> taken up herself!" His audience +simply screamed with laughter.</p> +<hr /> +<p><i>Watch Out!</i></p> +<p>Don't be surprised if you hear of some sensational political +developments in the near future. The Minister who said recently +that the inevitable sequel to war was peace, was, in the opinion of +those competent to judge but, by reason of their official position, +unable to criticise, hinting at proposals which, if the signs and +portents of the time go for anything, would have far-reaching +effects on the question of Electoral Representation. I will say no +more. Time alone will disclose my meaning.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/363.png"><img width="100%" src="images/363.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<p><i>Urchin (with an inborn terror of the Force). "OO, MUVVER! +IT WON'T, WILL IT?"</i></p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h4>OMINOUS.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"——went every morning to a firm of sausage-makers by +whom he was employed as a horse-dealer."—<i>Irish +Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p class="author">"Rome, Saturday.</p> +<p>"The announcement is made to-day of the award by the King [of +Italy] of gold medals to Lieutenant Giuseppe Castruccio and I +sentence him to three months' hard."—<i>Manchester Evening +Chronicle</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>When will British journalists learn not to interfere with the +internal affairs of friendly nations?</p> +<hr /> +<h3>THE LAST MATCH.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">This is the last, the very, very last.</p> +<p class="i2">Its gay companions, who so snugly lay</p> +<p class="i2">Within the corners of their fragile home,</p> +<p class="i2">All, all are lightly fled and surely gone;</p> +<p class="i2">And their survivor lingers in his pride,</p> +<p class="i2">The last of all the matches in the house;</p> +<p class="i2">For Mr. Siftings says he has no more,</p> +<p class="i2">And Siftings is an honourable man,</p> +<p class="i2">And would not state a fact that was not so.</p> +<p class="i2">For now he has himself to do without</p> +<p class="i2">The flaming boon of matches, having none,</p> +<p class="i2">And cannot furnish us as he desires,</p> +<p class="i2">Being a grocer and the best of men,</p> +<p class="i2">But murmurs vaguely of a future week</p> +<p class="i2">When matches shall be numerous again</p> +<p class="i2">As leaves in Vallombrosa and as cheap.</p> +<p class="i2">Blinks, the tobacconist, he too is spent</p> +<p class="i2">With weary waiting in a matchless land;</p> +<p class="i2">What Siftings cannot get cannot be got</p> +<p class="i2">By men like Blinks, that young tobacconist,</p> +<p class="i2">Who tried with all a patriot's fiery zeal</p> +<p class="i2">To join the Army, but was sent away</p> +<p class="i2">For varicose and too protuberant veins;</p> +<p class="i2">And being foiled of all his high intent</p> +<p class="i2">Now minds the shop and is a Volunteer,</p> +<p class="i2">Drilling on Sundays with the rest of them;</p> +<p class="i2">He too, amid his hoards of cigarettes,</p> +<p class="i2">Is void of matches as he's full of veins.</p> +<p class="i2">So here's a good match in a naughty world,</p> +<p class="i2">And what to do with it I do not know,</p> +<p class="i2">Save that somehow, when all the place is still,</p> +<p class="i2">It shall explode and spurt and flame and burn</p> +<p class="i2">Slowly away, not having thus achieved</p> +<p class="i2">The lighting of a pipe or any act</p> +<p class="i2">Of usefulness, but having spent itself</p> +<p class="i2">In lonely grandeur as befits the last</p> +<p class="i2">Of all the varied matches I have known.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h4>OUR SAMSONS.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"Wanted at once.—Reliable Man for carrying off motor +lorry."—<i>Clitheroe Advertiser</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"To-day the man possesses a second tumb, serviceable for all +ordinary purposes."—<i>Belfast Evening Telegraph</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>In these days of restricted rations it seems a superflous +luxury.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Diamond Brooch, 15 cwt., set with three blue white diamonds; +make a handsome present; £9 9<i>s</i>."—<i>Derby Daily +Telegraph</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>It seems a lot for the money; but personally we would sooner +have the same weight of coals.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page364" id="page364"></a>[pg +364]</span> +<h2>THE WAY DOWN.</h2> +<p>SYDNEY SMITH, or NAPOLEON or MARCUS AURELIUS (somebody about +that time) said that after ten days any letter would answer itself. +You see what he meant. Left to itself your invitation from the +Duchess to lunch next Tuesday is no longer a matter to worry about +by Wednesday morning. You were either there or not there; it is +unnecessary to write now and say that a previous invitation from +the PRIME MINISTER—and so on. It was NAPOLEON'S idea (or Dr. +JOHNSON'S or MARK ANTONY'S—one of that circle) that all +correspondence can be treated in this manner.</p> +<p>I have followed these early Masters (or whichever one it was) to +the best of my ability. At any given moment in the last few years +there have been ten letters that I absolutely <i>must</i> write, +thirty which I <i>ought</i> to write, and fifty which any other +person in my position <i>would</i> have written. Probably I have +written two. After all, when your profession is writing, you have +some excuse on returning home in the evenings for demanding a +change of occupation. No doubt if I were a coal-heaver by day, my +wife would see to the fire after dinner while I wrote letters. As +it is, she does the correspondence, while I gaze into the fire and +think about things.</p> +<p>You will say, no doubt, that this was all very well before the +War, but that in the Army a little writing would be a pleasant +change after the day's duties. Allow me to disillusion you. If, +three years ago, I ever conceived a glorious future in which my +autograph might be of value to the more promiscuous collectors, +that conception has now been shattered. Three years in the Army has +absolutely spoilt the market. Even were I revered in the year 2,000 +A.D. as SHAKSPEARE is revered now, my half-million autographs, +scattered so lavishly on charge-sheets, passes, chits, +requisitions, indents and applications would keep the price at a +dead level of about ten a penny. No, I have had enough of writing +in the Army and I never want to sign my own name again. "Yours +sincerely, HERBERT ASQUITH," "Faithfully yours, J. +JELLICOE"—these by all means; but not my own.</p> +<p>However, I wrote a letter the other day; it was to the bank. It +informed them that I had arrived in London for a time and should be +troubling them again shortly, London being to all appearances an +expensive place. It also called attention to my new address—a +small furnished flat in which Celia and I can just turn round if we +do it separately. When it was written, there came the question of +posting it. I was all for waiting till the next morning, but Celia +explained that there was actually a letter-box on our own floor, +twenty yards down the passage. I took the letter along and dropped +it into the slit.</p> +<p>Then a wonderful thing happened. It went</p> +<p> +<i>Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty—FLOP.</i></p> +<p>I listened intently, hoping for more ... but that was all. +Deeply disappointed that it was over, but absolutely thrilled with +my discovery, I hurried back to Celia.</p> +<p>"Any letters you want posted?" I said in an off-hand way.</p> +<p>"No, thank you," she said.</p> +<p>"Have you written any while we've been here?"</p> +<p>"I don't think I've had anything to write."</p> +<p>"I think," I said reproachfully, "it's quite time you wrote to +your—your bank or your mother or somebody."</p> +<p>She looked at me and seemed to be struggling for words.</p> +<p>"I know exactly what you're going to say," I said, "but don't +say it; write a little letter instead."</p> +<p>"Well, as a matter of fact I <i>must</i> just write a note to +the laundress."</p> +<p>"To the laundress," I said. "Of course, just a note."</p> +<p>When it was written I insisted on her coming with me to post it. +With great generosity I allowed her to place it in the slit. A +delightful thing happened. It went</p> +<p><i> +Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty- +flipperty-flipperty-flipperty—FLOP.</i></p> +<p>Right down to the letter-box in the hall. Two flipperties a +floor. (A simple calculation shows that we are perched on the fifth +floor. I am glad now that we live so high. It must be very dull to +be on the fourth floor with only eight flipperties, unbearable to +be on the first with only two.)</p> +<p>"<i>O-oh!</i> How <i>fas</i>-cinating!" said Celia.</p> +<p>"Now don't you think you ought to write to your mother?"</p> +<p>"Oh, I <i>must</i>."</p> +<p>She wrote. We posted it. It went</p> +<p><i>Flipperty-flipperty</i>——However, you know all +about that now.</p> +<p>Since this great discovery of mine, life has been a more +pleasurable business. We feel now that there are romantic +possibilities about letters setting forth on their journey from our +floor. To start life with so many flipperties might lead to +anything. Each time that we send a letter off we listen in a +tremble of excitement for the final FLOP, and when it comes I think +we both feel vaguely that we are still waiting for something. We +are waiting to hear some magic letter go +<i>flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty</i> ... and behold! +there is no FLOP ... and still it goes +on—<i>flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty</i>—growing +fainter in the distance ... until it arrives at some wonderland of +its own. One day it must happen so. For we cannot listen always for +that FLOP, and hear it always; nothing in this world is as +inevitable as that. One day we shall look at each other with awe in +our faces and say, "But it's still flipperting!" and from that time +forward the Hill of Campden will be a place holy and enchanted. +Perhaps on Midsummer Eve—</p> +<p>At any rate I am sure that it is the only way in which to post a +letter to Father Christmas.</p> +<p>Well, what I want to say is this: if I have been a bad +correspondent in the past I am a good one now; and Celia, who was +always a good one, is a better one. It takes at least ten letters a +day to satisfy us, and we prefer to catch ten different posts. With +the ten in your hand together there is always a temptation to waste +them in one wild rush of flipperties, all catching each other up. +It would be a great moment, but I do not think we can afford it +yet; we must wait until we get even more practised at +letter-writing. And even then I am doubtful; for it might be that, +lost in the confusion of that one wild rush, the magic letter would +start on its way—<i>flipperty-flipperty</i>—to the +never-land, and we should forever have missed it.</p> +<p>So, friends, acquaintances, yes, and even strangers. I beg you +now to give me another chance. I will answer your letters, how +gladly. I still think that NAPOLEON (or CANUTE or the younger +PLINY—one of the pre-Raphaelites) took a perfectly correct +view of his correspondence ... but then <i>he</i> Never had a +letter-box which went</p> +<p> +<i>Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty—FLOP.</i></p> +<p class="author">A.A.M.</p> +<hr /> +<h4>The H.D. and Q. Department.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"Major-General F.G. Bond is gazetted Director of Quartering at +the War Office."</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Pacifists beware!</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p class="center">"DIRTY WORK<br /> +AT<br /> +DOWNING STREET.</p> +<p class="center">BY<br /> +HORATIO BOTTOMLEY."</p> +<p class="author"><i>John Bull.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>They shouldn't have let him in.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page365" id="page365"></a>[pg +365]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/365.png"><img width="100%" src="images/365.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<p><i>Officer.</i> "WHY WERE YOU NOT AT ROLL-CALL LAST NIGHT?"</p> +<p><i>Defaulter.</i> "WELL, SIR, WITH THIS 'ERE CAMP CAMOUFLAGED SO +MUCH, I COULDN'T FIND MY WAY OUT OF THE CANTEEN."</p> +</div> +<h2>COUNTER TACTICS.</h2> +<p>About a year ago I paid a visit to my hosier and haberdasher +with the intention of purchasing a few things with which to tide +over the remaining months of winter. After the preliminary +discussion of atmospherics had been got through, the usual raffle +of garments was spread about for my inspection. I viewed it +dispassionately. Then, discarding the little vesties of +warm-blooded youth and the double-width vestums of rheumatic old +age, I chose several commonplace woollen affairs and was preparing +to leave when my hosier and haberdasher leaned across the counter +and whispered in my ear.</p> +<p>"If I may advise you, Sir, you would be wise to make a large +selection of these articles. We do not expect to replace them."</p> +<p>He glanced cautiously at an elderly gentleman who was stirring +up a box of ties, then, lowering his voice another semitone, added, +"The mills are now being used exclusively for Government work." He +insinuated the death-sentence effect very cleverly, and at that +moment, coming to his support, as it were, the old gentleman +tottered up, seized upon two garments and carried them off from +under my very fingers. As he went out a middle-aged lady entered +and made straight for the residue upon the counter. A feeling of +panic came upon me. "Right you are," I exclaimed hurriedly, "I'll +take the lot." As a matter of fact she only wanted a pair of gloves +for her nephew in France.</p> +<p>A few days later, still having the wool shortage in mind, I +approached my hosier and haberdasher on the subject of shirts. For +a second or two he looked thoughtfully at the toe of his boot. Then +coming suddenly to a decision he disappeared stealthily into the +back premises, from which he presently emerged carrying a large +bale of flannel, which he cast caber-wise upon the counter.</p> +<p>"There," he said triumphantly, "I don't suppose there's another +piece of flannel like that in the country." He fingered it with an +expert touch.</p> +<p>"You don't say so," I said as I rubbed it reverently between my +finger and thumb, just to show that he wasn't the only one who +could do it.</p> +<p>"I'm afraid it's only too true," he confessed, "and I may add +that, after we have sold out our present stocks, flannel of any +kind will be absolutely unobtainable."</p> +<p>"None at all?" I asked, horror-struck at the vision of my public +life in 1920—a bow cravat over a double-width vestum.</p> +<p>He shook his head and smiled wisely.</p> +<p>I am instinctively against hoarding, but I knew that if I did +not buy it Jones would, and then some fine day, when nobody else +had a shirt left, he would swagger about and make my life +intolerable. This decided me and I bought the piece.</p> +<p>A few days later it occurred to me that it might be advisable to +lay down some socks. My idea was in perfect unison with that of my +hosier and haberdasher. Socks were going to be unprocurable in a +few months. I patted myself on the back and bought up the 1916 +vintage of Llama-Llama <span class="pagenum"><a name="page366" id= +"page366"></a>[pg 366]</span> footwear. The following week +thirty-seven shirts arrived and I had to buy a new +chest-of-drawers.</p> +<p>This, as I have stated before, was about a year ago. Yesterday I +paid my hosier and haberdasher another visit. If all the bone +factories had not been too exclusively engaged, etc., etc., I +wished to buy a collar stud. There was an elderly man standing in +the shop. He was quite alone, contemplating a mountain of garments. +There were little vesties, double-width vestums, and ordinary +woollen affairs.</p> +<p>You could have knocked me over with a dress-sock.</p> +<p>And where was my hosier and haberdasher? Had the +stranger—just awakened to the value of his +possessions—entered the shop and suddenly cast all this +treasure upon the counter? I imagined the shock of this procedure +on a man like my hosier and haberdasher, whose heart was perhaps a +trifle woolly. Had he collapsed? I glanced surreptitiously behind a +parapet of clocked socks.</p> +<p>A moment later, from somewhere in the back premises, he appeared +carrying a large bale of flannel, which he cast caber-wise upon the +counter. I was dumbfounded.</p> +<p>Then I knew the truth.</p> +<p>"Sir," I said, turning to the stranger, "I believe you are about +to make a selection from these articles (I indicated them +individually), which you imagine to be the last of their race?"</p> +<p>He nodded at me in a bewildered sort of way.</p> +<p>"In a few months," I continued remorselessly, "they will be +absolutely unprocurable" (he gave a start of recognition), "and +you, having bought them, will sneak through life with the feelings +of a food-hoarder, mingled with those of the man who slew the last +Camberwell Beauty. I know the state of mind. But you need not +distress yourself. These garments (I indicated them again) will +only be unprocurable because they are in your possession. I have +about half-a-ton myself, which, until a few minutes age, would have +been quite unprocurable. But I have changed my mind and, if you +will come with me, you can take your choice with a clear +conscience, and (I glanced maliciously at my faded hosier and +haberdasher) at the prices which were prevalent a year ago."</p> +<p>I linked my arm with that of the stranger, and together we +passed out of the shop into the unpolluted light of day.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/366.png"><img width="100%" src="images/366.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<p><i>Mother (to child who has been naughty).</i> "AREN'T YOU +RATHER ASHAMED OF YOURSELF?"</p> +<p><i>Child.</i> "WELL, MOTHER, I WASN'T. BUT NOW THAT YOU'VE +SUGGESTED IT I AM."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>PRETENDING.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I know a magic woodland with grassy rides that +ring</p> +<p class="i2">To strange fantastic music and whirr of elfin +wing,</p> +<p class="i2">There all the oaks and beeches, moss-mantled to the +knees,</p> +<p class="i2">Are really fairy princes pretending to be trees.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I know a magic moorland with wild winds drifting +by,</p> +<p class="i2">And pools among the peat-hags that mirror back the +sky;</p> +<p class="i2">And there in golden bracken the fronds that toss and +turn</p> +<p class="i2">Are really little people pretending to be fern.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I wander in the woodland, I walk the magic moor;</p> +<p class="i2">Sometimes I meet with fairies, sometimes I'm not so +sure;</p> +<p class="i2">And oft I pause and wonder among the green and +gold</p> +<p class="i2">If I am not a child again—pretending to be +old.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p class="center">W.H.O.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>It is understood that the FOOD-CONTROLLER has protested against +the forcible feeding of hunger-strikers. If they want to commit the +Yappy Dispatch, why shouldn't they?</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page367" id="page367"></a>[pg +367]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/367.png"><img width="100%" src="images/367.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<h3>ST. GEORGE OUT-DRAGONS THE DRAGON.</h3> +[With Mr. Punch's jubilant compliments to Sir DOUGLAS HAIG and his +Tanks.]</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page368" id="page368"></a>[pg +368]</span> +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> +<p><i>Monday, November 19th.</i>—Such a rush of Peers to the +House of Commons has seldom been seen. Lord WIMBORNE, who knows +something of congested districts, arrived early and secured the +coveted seat over the clock. Lord CURZON, holding a watching brief +for the War Cabinet, was only just in time to secure a place; and +Lord COURTNEY and several others found "standing room only." If we +have many more crises Sir ALFRED MOND will have to make provision +for strap-hangers.</p> +<div class="figright" style="width:35%;"><a href= +"images/368.png"><img width="100%" src="images/368.png" alt= +"" /></a>"His foil was carefully buttoned."<br /> +<br /> +MR. ASQUITH.</div> +<p>There was very little sign of passion in Mr. ASQUITH'S measured +criticism of the Allied Council and of the PRIME MINISTER'S speech +on the subject in Paris. His foil was carefully buttoned, and +though it administered a shrewd thrust now and again it was not +intended to draw blood.</p> +<p>At first the PRIME MINISTER followed this excellent example, and +contented himself with defending, and incidentally re-composing, +his Paris oration. The Allied Council, as now depicted, was a horse +of quite another colour from what it seemed in Paris. A further +example of <i>camouflage</i>, I suppose.</p> +<p>Only when he came to deal with his Press critics did he let +himself go, to the delight of the House, which loves him in his +swashbuckling mood. As he confessed, however, that he had +deliberately made "a disagreeable speech" in Paris in order to get +it talked about, the Press will probably consider itself +absolved.</p> +<p><i>Tuesday, November 20th.</i>—Like John Bull, as +represented in last week's cartoon, Lord LAMINGTON has arrived at +the conclusion that compulsory rationing must come, and the sooner +the better. Lord RHONDDA, however, is still hopeful that John will +tighten his own belt, and save him the trouble. "More Yapping and +Less Biting" should be our motto. But if we fail to live up to it, +the machinery for compulsory rationing is all ready. Indeed, +according to Lord DEVONPORT, it has been ready since April last, +when an "S.O.S." to the local authorities was on the point of being +sent, but a timely increase in imports stopped it.</p> +<p>Nobody doubts Commander WEDGWOOD'S essential patriotism; he has +proved it like a knight of old on his body; but he is unfortunate +in some of his political associates, who take advantage of his +good-nature. A book with a preface by himself had been seized by +the police on suspicion of being seditious, and he loudly demanded +to be prosecuted. But Sir GEORGE CAVE was not inclined to set up a +legal presumption that the writer of a preface is responsible for +the rest of the book. If he were, a good many "forewords" would, I +imagine, never have been written.</p> +<p><i>Wednesday, November 21st.</i>—By a strange oversight +the Royal Marines were not specifically mentioned in the recent +Vote of Thanks to the Services. Apparently the fact that this +country is proud of them is one of those things that must not be +told to the Marines. But Dr. MACNAMARA assured the House that the +omission should now be repaired.</p> +<p>There has been a shortage of provisions in the city where +<i>Lady Godiva</i> suffered from a shortage of clothes. Mr. CLYNES +was prompt with a remedy. A representative of the FOOD-CONTROLLER +has already been sent to Coventry.</p> +<p>Conscientious Objectors found a doughty champion in Lord HUGH +CECIL. Rarely has an unpopular case been fortified with a greater +wealth of legal, historical and ethical argument. Only once, when +he accused Mr. BONAR LAW of holding the same doctrine as Herr +BETHMANN-HOLLWEG, did he lose, for a moment, the sympathy of his +audience. But he soon recovered himself, and thereafter held the +House rapt with Cecilian harmonies.</p> +<p>To such a lofty plane, indeed, had the debate been lifted that +Mr. RONALD MCNEILL, tall as he is, had some difficulty in bringing +it down to earth again; and when the division was called the spell +was still working, and in a very big House the "Conchies" only lost +their votes by thirty-eight.</p> +<p><i>Thursday, November 22nd.</i>—Pending the introduction +of the promised censorship of Parliamentary Questions, Mr. JOSEPH +KING is working overtime. No story is too fantastically impossible +to find a shelter under his hospitable hat. To-day it was a secret +treaty between the Russian Government (old style) and the French +Republic, by which Belgium was to be compensated at the expense of +Holland. Lord ROBERT CECIL denounced it as an invention of the +enemy. But I don't suppose the denial had the smallest effect upon +Mr. KING, who probably went off and dined heartily on a magnum of +mare's-nest soup.</p> +<p>A tremendous accession to the ranks of the Sinn Feiners has been +narrowly averted. When Members read the menu which, according to +Major NEWMAN, the Irish Government has adopted for political +prisoners—three good square meals a day, including an egg, +ten ounces of meat, a pound and a half of bread, two pints and a +half of milk, and real butter—they were strongly minded to +enlist under Mr. DE VALERA'S banner and get themselves arrested +forthwith. But Mr. DUKE'S emphatic denial shattered their dream of +repletion at the taxpayers' expense.</p> +<p>A final attempt to get proportional representation included in +the Franchise Bill was heavily defeated. In a dashing attempt to +save it Sir MARK SYKES declared that the old Eatanswill methods of +electioneering had gone for ever—"no mouth was large enough +to kiss thirty thousand babies." But the majority of the House +seemed to be more impressed by the self-sacrificing argument of +that eminent temperance advocate, Sir THOMAS WHITTAKER, who feared +that "P.R." would lead to an increase in "milk-and-water +politicians."</p> +<hr /> +<h4>ALWAYS SOMETHING NEW FROM AFRICA.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"A Belgian East African communiqué says that before the +converging advance of the Anglo-German Belgian columns, the enemy +retired to the south bank of the Kilimbero."—<i>Mombasa +Times.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>We seem to have met some of these Anglo-German columns in the +Pacifist Press.</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"Our machines then bombed the General, in which the German +Head-quarters at Constantinople are reported to be +situated."—<i>Times.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>The General must have been stout, even for a German.</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"Not having regained consciousness the police are left with +little tangible evidence to work upon."—<i>Daily +Telegraph.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>Let us hope they will soon come to.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page369" id="page369"></a>[pg +369]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/369.png"><img width="100%" src="images/369.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<h3>HOW TO UTILISE OUR SKILLED CRAFTSMEN.</h3> +<p><i>First Lieutenant.</i> "WHAT WAS THIS MAN BEFORE HE +JOINED?" <i>Petty Officer.</i> "OPTICIAN, SIR."</p> +<p><i>First Lieutenant.</i> "WHAT HAD WE BETTER GIVE HIM TO +DO?" <i>Petty Officer.</i> "THERE'S THEM PRISMATIC +SPOTTING GLASSES, SIR. THE LEATHER STRAP IS BROKEN OFF THEM. HE +COULD SPLICE IN A PIECE O' COD LINE."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3><i>LE POILU DE CARCASSONNE.</i></h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">THE <i>poilus</i> of France on the Western Front are +brave as brave can be,</p> +<p class="i2">Whether they hail from rich Provence or from ruined +Picardie;</p> +<p class="i2">It's the self-same heart from the lazy Loire and the +busy banks of Seine,</p> +<p class="i2">Undaunted by perpetual mud or cold or gas or +pain;</p> +<p class="i2">And all are as gay as men know how whose wealth and +friends are gone,</p> +<p class="i2">But the gayest of all is a little white dog that came +from Carcassonne.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">He was brought as a pup by a <i>Midi</i> man to a +sector along the Aisne,</p> +<p class="i2">But his man laid the wire one pitch-black night and +never came back again.</p> +<p class="i2">The pup stood by with one ear down and the other a +question mark,</p> +<p class="i2">And at times he licked his dead friend's face and at +times he tried to bark,</p> +<p class="i2">Till the listening sentry heard the sound, and when +the daylight shone</p> +<p class="i2">He looked abroad and cried, "<i>Bon Guieu! C'est le +poilu de Carcassonne!</i>"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">So the dead man's <i>copains</i> kept the dog on the +strength of the company.</p> +<p class="i2">And whoever went short it was not the pup, though a +greedy pup was he;</p> +<p class="i2">They gave him their choicest bits of <i>sinje</i> and +drops of <i>pinard</i> too;</p> +<p class="i2">He was warm and safe when he crept beneath a cloak of +horizon-blue;</p> +<p class="i2">They clipped fresh <i>brisques</i> in his rough white +coat as the weary months dragged on,</p> +<p class="i2">And all the sector knows him now as <i>le Poilu de +Carcassonne</i>.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">And in return he keeps their hearts from that +haunting foe, <i>l'ennui</i>;</p> +<p class="i2">He's their plaything, friend, and sentry too, and a +lover of devilry;</p> +<p class="i2">He helps them to hunt out rats or Boches; he burrows +and sniffs for mines,</p> +<p class="i2">And he growls when the murderous shrapnel flies +screaming above the lines;</p> +<p class="i2">His little black nose is a-quiver with glee whenever +a raid is on,</p> +<p class="i2">And they say with pride, "<i>C'est la guerre +elle-même, notre Poilu de Carcassonne!</i>"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There was none more glad when they went to rest in +their billet, a ruined shack,</p> +<p class="i2">But when they returned to the front-line trench he +was just as pleased to be back;</p> +<p class="i2">He's the spirit of fun itself, and so when other men +feel blue,</p> +<p class="i2">His friends remark, "<i>Le cafard, quoi? On l'connait +pas chez nous!</i>"</p> +<p class="i2">So when you drink to the valiant French and the +glorious fights they've won</p> +<p class="i2">Just raise your glass to a little white dog that came +from Carcassonne.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page370" id="page370"></a>[pg +370]</span> +<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> +<p class="center">"LOYALTY."</p> +<p>If you are a pernickety intellectual (<i>soi-disant</i>) you may +really permit yourself to be faintly amused at the fiery zeal of +the mystery-wrapt author of <i>Loyalty</i> for his (or, quite +possibly, her) country's cause in this difficult hour. If you are +cast in the common human mould that nowadays is seen for the +glorious thing it is, you will respond to many single-minded, +wholesome thoughts in the impassioned statement of his thesis. And +if you happen to belong to that simple discredited breed, the +English, so long overshadowed by the nimbler Britons, you may have +quite a nice little private thrill of your own, a thrill of pride +in your precious stone, and begin to think with seriousness of the +advantages of "home rule all round" in an England-for-the-English +mood, and of the value of a nationalism that is as irrational as +conjugal or mother love—and as fine.</p> +<p>The author's hero is an Englishman of the wandering type, +assistant editor on a crank paper. The play is a protracted debate +in four sessions, June, 1914; July, 1914; August, 1914; September, +1916. And here the author makes his most serious mistake, the +mistake made by Mr. HENRY ARTHUR JONES in his recent squib. If he +had contrived his Little Navy folk, the proprietor, editor and +revolving cranks as something more than mere caricatures, brands of +straw prepared for his consuming bonfires, he would have +strengthened, not weakened, his excellent case. He has quoted his +enemies' mistakes without their excuses, their texts without their +contexts. And that is a form of propaganda which can only touch the +converted, or such of them as are not stirred by a sporting +instinct to a certain mood of protest and a wish that the other +fellow should be given a better start in the heresy hunt.</p> +<p>The <i>dramatis personae</i>, then, divide themselves into the +men of straw and the right sort. Of the former you have first +<i>Sir Andrew Craig</i>, chairman of the party in his constituency +and editor of <i>The New Standard</i> (there were indeed altogether +new standards of efficiency, mentality and hospitality in that +rather imaginative newspaper office of the First Act). Mr. FISHER +WHITE gave us the courtly-obstinate old man to the life (this +player has a way of removing straw). In the dramatic passage in +which, returning after being broken in a German prison, he relates +some of the horrors of which it is good for us to be reminded, he +rose to the height of his fine talent. His exquisite +elocution—a remarkable feat of virtuosity—was in itself +a sheer delight.</p> +<p><i>Mr. Stutchbury</i>, the editor, pacifist and sentimental +democrat, was dealt to Mr. LENNOX PAWLE. He played his hand well. +There was never such an editor outside Bedlam; but Mr. PAWLE is a +resourceful person and by a score of clever tricks of gesture and +business made a reasonable figure of fun for our obloquy. All but +broken in the end, but still claiming that he had "the larger +vision" (as he certainly had the larger diameter), there was a +certain dignity of pathos in his exit, a late <i>amende</i> by an +otherwise remorseless puppet-maker. Mr. SYDNEY PAXTON as a pillar +of Nonconformity offered a clever study in the unctuous-grotesque; +Mr. VINCENT STERNROYD sketched a portrait of a nut-consuming +impenitent disarmamentist. The author is the first, so far as I +know, to give public emphasis to the queer fact of natural history +that there is some connection between extreme opinions and the +prominence of the Adam's apple of the holder of them—a fact +on which I have often pondered.</p> +<p>Mr. M. MORAND, the aggressive Scots member of the election +committee, inspired to great heights of insobriety by the return of +his London-Scottish nephew from the Front, sounded a welcome human +note, as did Mr. SAM LIVESEY, the Labour Member of the committee, +shaken out of his detachment into an extreme explicitness of +language by a Zeppelin raid experience. Mr. GEORGE BELLAMY'S Welsh +Disestablisher and Mr. GRIFFITH HUMPHREYS' exuberant German +press-agent of the pre-war period were both really shrewd +studies.</p> +<p>Of the right sort there were but five—and one of these, +the editor's secretary, at heart an honest patriot, but in fact +eating the bread of shame, was perhaps not altogether of the right +sort. Still he did get off his chest at last the pent-up passion of +years, and very well he did it, with the help of Mr. RANDLE AYRTON, +whose subtle little touches, building up a picture of a +disheartened hack, were very adroit indeed.</p> +<div class="figright" style="width:50%;"><a href= +"images/370.png"><img width="100%" src="images/370.png" alt= +"" /></a>THE LIGHTER SIDE OF EDITORIAL LIFE.<br /> +<br /> +<i>Frank Aylett</i> . . . . . . . . MR. C. AUBREY SMITH.<br /> +<i>Anthea Craig</i> . . . . . . . . . . . MISS VIOLA TREE.</div> +<p>Then there was young <i>Henry Craig</i>, at the beginning an +undergraduate in his last term, at the end a V.C. in his last +resting-place. Mr. PERCIVAL CLARKE'S was an adequate pleasant +study. So also was Mr. PHILIP ANTHONY'S of a Canadian, full of +strange idioms, who butted in to just the wrong corner of Fleet +Street to put the editor wise about the intentions of a Germany in +which he had spent his last two years. And then there was +splendidly English <i>Frank Aylett</i>, exile returned, unspoilt by +the cynicism of party and paper, whose fortune came to him just at +the psychological moment, enabling him to give his proprietor +notice and fight and win a by-election in the astonied man's own +constituency, besides carrying off his daughter (Miss VIOLA TREE), +who was the fifth of the right sort. What more plausible English +hero than Mr. C. AUBREY SMITH, except that he had to talk a good +deal more than seemed appropriate to his type? There was a +well-managed post-election scene when he was at his best (as was +the author). And all through there was good and sometimes glorious +sense for those to hear who had ears.</p> +<p>The programme promised us about a month's interval between Acts +I. and II. It was actually less than that; but if Mr. J.H. SQUIRE's +musicianly orchestra had not been there to charm us we might +conceivably have been bored.</p> +<p class="author">T.</p> +<hr /> +<h4>More Commercial Candour.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"FOR SALE.—A 45 H.P., 6 cyl.—Car, touring body, +fitted with every latest convenience. Exceptionally well sprung. +Just purchased by owner and run under 1,000 miles. Guaranteed over +25-galls. to the mile by Agents. Rs. 11,000."—<i>Indian +Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page371" id="page371"></a>[pg +371]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/371.png"><img width="100%" src="images/371.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<h3>"DIVERSION" IN THE BALKANS.</h3> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>HEROES.</h3> +<p>If the question were put to a company of young women, "What is +the most thrilling experience you can have in a London street?" the +odds are a thousand to one that they would reply that nothing could +be more thrilling than to meet a famous actor in plain clothes and +identify him. I am not a young woman myself, but I should be +inclined to share their opinion. There is something about an actor +in real life, moving along like a human being—one of +us—that always stirs my pulse. It is exciting enough to see +Mr. LLOYD GEORGE or Mr. ASQUITH or Sir OLIVER LODGE; but no one +stirs the imagination like an actor.</p> +<p>That is why I still tremble a little whenever I think of my good +fortune the other afternoon in the Haymarket, and why my pen shakes +as I commit the adventure to paper. For I met face to face two of +the most successful actors in London—at the present moment, +in the world.</p> +<p>I was walking up the Haymarket in the rain, hoping, in spite of +the new prohibitive rates, that I might see an empty cab, when I +met them coming down. They were walking with a man whom I did not +recognise, and, like me, were getting wet. One thinks of successful +actors as riding always in taxis; but taxis are very rare nowadays, +particularly in the wet, and somehow it did not seem unnatural that +they should be on foot. I am glad enough that they were, or I +should have missed my <i>frisson</i>; and others would have +suffered a similar loss, for the recognition was not only on my +part but on that of several passers-by, and it was instantaneous. +Indeed, I heard one lady tell her companion the name of the play +they are in and the extraordinary length of its run, and since she +spoke loudly I thought how delightful it must be to be a theatrical +celebrity and hear cordial things like that as you move about. +Neither of them paid any attention, however, although their friend +showed signs that the flattery had not escaped him; the two +Illustrions (to coin a word) merely walked on, superior to our +homage, and disappeared into Charles Street, where the stage door +of His Majesty's is.</p> +<p>Pouring though it was, and grovelling admirer of footlight +favourites as I am, somehow I never thought to offer either of them +my umbrella. But then one doesn't offer an umbrella to a donkey or +a camel, even though they are two of the stars of <i>Chu Chin +Chow</i>.</p> +<hr /> +<h4>ANOTHER INJUSTICE.</h4> +<p>From a Sinn Fein speech:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"When Ireland was silent England did not hear her cry +out."—<i>Wicklow News-Letter</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"WHY SHOULD A RABBIT COST 2<i>s</i>. 3<i>d</i>.?</p> +<p>"This question from a reader induces me to postpone until next +week my analysis of the high cost of onions."—<i>Empire +News</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>On the principle that it is better to make sure of the rabbit +before arranging about the stuffing.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Stockholm, Tuesday.</p> +<p>"News from Finland shows that the Socialist leaders have lost +control of the workmen, and all kinds of excesses are taking place. +The present Commandant at Tornea was a sailor, the head of the +passport office was a tailor, and the chief telegraphic censor a +tinker."—<i>Central News</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>We miss the soldier, to say nothing of "apothecary, ploughboy, +thief."</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Scholars and tragedians between them seem to have appropriated +the right to keep Shakespeare's memory green. But there are other +Richmonds in the field, humble Richmonds, not well read ... John of +Gaunt, crying that his England 'never did nor never shall lie at +the proud foot of a conqueror....'"—<i>The Times</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>The writer who thus deprived the <i>Bastard</i> in <i>King +John</i> of his famous lines was, we infer, one of the "other +Richmonds."</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page372" id="page372"></a>[pg +372]</span> +<h3>SUGAR.</h3> +<p class="center">AN ELEGIAC ODE.</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Queen of the palate! Universal Sweet!</p> +<p class="i4">Gastronomy's delectable Gioconda!</p> +<p class="i2">Since with submission loyally I greet</p> +<p class="i4">And follow out the regimen of RHONDDA,</p> +<p class="i2">I cannot be considered indiscreet</p> +<p class="i4">If I essay, but never go beyond, a</p> +<p class="i2">Brief elegiac tribute to a sway</p> +<p class="i2">By sterner needs now largely swept away.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Thy candy soothes the infant in its pram;</p> +<p class="i4">Thou addest mellowness to old brown sherry;</p> +<p class="i2">Thou glorifiest marmalade, on Cam</p> +<p class="i4">And Isis making breakfast-tables merry;</p> +<p class="i2">Thou lendest magic to the meanest jam</p> +<p class="i4">Compounded of the most insipid berry;</p> +<p class="i2">And canst convert the sourest crabs and quinces</p> +<p class="i2">To jellies fit for epicures and princes.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Thou charmest unalloyed, in loaf or lumps</p> +<p class="i4">Or crystals; brown and moist, or white and +pounded;</p> +<p class="i2">I never was so deeply in the dumps</p> +<p class="i4">That, once thy fount of sweetness I had sounded,</p> +<p class="i2">Courage returned not; even with the mumps</p> +<p class="i4">I still could view with gratitude unbounded</p> +<p class="i2">The navigators of heroic Spain</p> +<p class="i2">Who found the New World—and the sugar-cane.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Sprinkled on buttered bread thou dost excite</p> +<p class="i4">In human boys insatiable cravings;</p> +<p class="i2">On Turkish (I regret to say) Delight</p> +<p class="i4">Thou lurest them to dissipate their savings,</p> +<p class="i2">Instead of banking them, or sitting tight,</p> +<p class="i4">Or buying useful books and good engravings;</p> +<p class="i2">And lastly, mixed with strawberries and cream,</p> +<p class="i2">Thou art more than a dish, thou art a dream.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Before necessity, that knows no ruth,</p> +<p class="i4">Ordained thy frugal use in tea and coffee,</p> +<p class="i2">Some Stoics banned thee—men who in their +youth</p> +<p class="i4">Showed an unnatural dislike of toffee;</p> +<p class="i2">For sweetness charms the normal human tooth,</p> +<p class="i4">Sweetness inspires the singer's tenderest +strophe,</p> +<p class="i2">Since old LUCRETIUS musically chid</p> +<p class="i2">The curse of life—<i>amari aliquid</i>.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2"><i>Eau sucrée</i>, I admit, is rather tame</p> +<p class="i4">Compared with beer or whisky blent with soda;</p> +<p class="i2">But gallant Frenchmen, experts at this game,</p> +<p class="i4">Commend it highly either as a <i>coda</i></p> +<p class="i2">Or prelude to their meals, and much the same</p> +<p class="i4">Is sherbet, which the Gaekwar of Baroda</p> +<p class="i2">And other Oriental satraps quaff</p> +<p class="i2">In preference to ale or half-and-half.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Nor must I fail, O potent saccharin!</p> +<p class="i4">Thou chemic offspring of by-products coaly,</p> +<p class="i2">Late comer on the culinary scene,</p> +<p class="i4">To hail thy aid, although it may be lowly</p> +<p class="i2">Even compared with beet; for thou hast been</p> +<p class="i4">Employed in sweetening my roly-poly—</p> +<p class="i2">Thou whom I once regarded as a dose</p> +<p class="i2">And now the active rival of glucose!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">But still I hear some jaundiced critic say,</p> +<p class="i4">Some rigid self-appointed <i>censor morum</i>,</p> +<p class="i2">"Why harp upon the pleasures of a day</p> +<p class="i4">When freely sweetened was each cup and jorum,</p> +<p class="i2">Ere stern controllers had begun to stay</p> +<p class="i4">The genial outflow of the <i>fons leporum?</i></p> +<p class="i2">Now sugar's scarce, and we must do without it,</p> +<p class="i2">Why let regretful fancy play about it?"</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">True, yet it greatly goes against the grain,</p> +<p class="i4">Unless one has the patience of Ulysses,</p> +<p class="i2">Wholly and resolutely to refrain</p> +<p class="i4">From dwelling on the memory of past blisses;</p> +<p class="i2">Forbidden fruits allure the strong and sane;</p> +<p class="i4">Joys loved but lost are what one chiefly misses;</p> +<p class="i2">This is my best excuse if I deplore</p> +<p class="i2">"So sad, so <i>sweet</i>, the days that are no +more."</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>'TATERS.</h3> +<p>SCENE: <i>At "The Plough and Horses</i>."</p> +<p>"You seen Parson lately, George?"</p> +<p>"Not lately I ain't, Luther."</p> +<p>"Not since 'is 'taters be out o' ground?"</p> +<p>"No. Finest crop in village, some do say."</p> +<p>"That be right—sev'ral ton of 'em there be."</p> +<p>"What to goodness do 'e want 'em all for, then? 'Im an' 's wife +an' a maid 'll never eat all them 'taters."</p> +<p>"I'll tell you what 'e says to me, for 'appen 'e'll say it to +you, George, when 'e comes acrost you next. 'E says to me, 'I've +growed as many potatoes as I've had strength to grow, an' they've +prospered exceedin'ly,' 'e says, 'thank God! So if any deservin' +folk in my parish gets through wi' their own crop an' wants more +later on they 'as only to come to me, for I've growed more 'an my +'ouse'old 'll eat if they was to eat all day.'"</p> +<p>"'E be proud o' that?"</p> +<p>"Fine an' proud 'e be."</p> +<p>"An' yet it be some'at unfort'nate too. For all of us as is left +in this 'ere parish 'as growed as many 'taters as they'll be like +to need, same as 'e. So I don't see nought but disappointment for +Parson an' a lot o' good 'taters lyin' to rot in their pies."</p> +<p>"Some there be too fond o' Parson to let that 'appen. Me an' my +wife be sendin' few of ours to London ev'ry week or so. So in due +season we shall be free to go to Parson an' 'elp 'im through wi' +'is, same as 'e wants us to. I 'ears as others is doin' some'at the +same as us—fear is as too many'll tumble to the idea, which +is why I'd 'ave you keep it fro' goin' further, George."</p> +<p>"Silent as th' grave I'll be. So you're givin' your 'taters 'way +to please Parson? Yet I do allus say as 'taters what a man grows +wi' sweat of 'is own brow do beat all others in t' eatin'."</p> +<p>"That may be; but us can't afford to be so mighty pernickerty in +time o' war. Nor we ain't givin' nothin 'way in manner o' speakin'. +Fair market price they gives for 'em in London. So it be somethin' +in 'and in these 'ard times as well as savin' Parson from a bitter +disappointment what 'e ain't done nothin' to deserve, so far as I +can see."</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Two organ grinders, aged 23 and 16, were taken to Charing Cross +Hospital to-day with bad injuries and severe shock, the result of a +barrel organ getting out of control in +Rosebery-avenue."—<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>They should try a less dangerous instrument next time.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"'Seed potatoes' means potatoes grown in Scotland or Ireland in +the year 1917, or grown in England or Wales in the year 1917 from +seed grown in Scotland or Ireland in the year 1916, which will pass +through a riddle having a 1-5/8-in. mesh, and will not pass through +a riddle having a 1-5/8-in. mesh."—<i>Journal of the Board of +Agriculture</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>We ourselves cannot get through any riddle of this kind.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page373" id="page373"></a>[pg +373]</span> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href= +"images/373.png"><img width="100%" src="images/373.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<p><i>Sergeant (instructing squad of volunteers in physical +drill).</i> "THIS 'ERE HEXERCISE IS INTENDED TO 'ARDEN THE MUSCLES +OF THE STUMMICK AND MAKE IT HIMPERVIOUS TO GERMAN BULLETS HIN CASE +OF HINVASION."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> +<p class="center"><i>(By Mr, Punch's Staff of Learned +Clerks.)</i></p> +<p>It is difficult within the ordinary limits of a review in these +columns to say all that one feels or even to express adequately +one's gratitude after reading the two volumes of Lord MORLEY'S +generous and delightful <i>Recollections</i> (MACMILLAN). I seem to +have been sitting with him in a large and comfortable library while +the great Viscount rolled me out his mind, now breaking out into a +glowing eulogy of GEORGE MEREDITH, JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN or LESLIE +STEPHEN, or again dashing off with a few firm and skilful strokes a +portrait of JOHN MILL or HERBERT SPENCER, or some other +intellectual giant of that nineteenth century which Lord MORLEY +nobly defends and of which he himself was <i>grande decus +columenque</i>. The book is crammed with passages that arouse and +maintain pleasure in the reader and clamour for quotation on the +part of the reviewer. "Meredith," we are told, "who did not know +Mill in person, once spoke to me of him, with the confident +intuition proper to imaginative genius, as partaking of the +Spinster. Disraeli, when Mill made an early speech in Parliament, +raised his eye-glass and murmured to a neighbour on the bench, 'Ah, +the Finishing Governess.'" Or we are introduced to SPENCER at +MILL'S table: "The host said to him at dessert that Grote, who was +present, would like to hear him explain one or more of his views +about the equilibration of molecules in some relation or other. +Spencer, after an instant of good-natured hesitation, complied with +unbroken fluency for a quarter-of-an-hour or more. Grote followed +every word intently, and in the end expressed himself as well +satisfied. Mill, as we moved off into the drawing-room, declared to +me his admiration of a wonderful piece of lucid exposition. +Fawcett, in a whisper, asked me if I understood a word of it, for +he did not. Luckily I had no time to answer." Or again: "Another +contributor [to <i>The Saturday Review</i>] was the important man +who became Lord SALISBURY. He and I were alone together in the +editorial anteroom every Tuesday morning, awaiting our commissions, +but he too had a talent for silence, and we exchanged no words, +either now or on any future occasion." How charming a picture is +this of two shy British publicists maintaining towards one another, +against every possible discouragement, an inviolable silence. Not +even the weather could tempt them to break it. Yet the great +characteristic of this book is the large-hearted tolerance of +comment and judgment which makes it emphatically a friendly book. +As such I commend it with all the warmth in my power.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>For her new story, <i>Missing</i> (COLLINS), Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD +has used her knowledge, already proved elsewhere, of two settings, +the English Lakes and a Base Hospital somewhere in France. Also +perhaps her knowledge of human nature, though I like to think that +there are not many elder sisters so calculatingly callous as +<i>Bridget</i>. The bother about her was that she sadly wanted her +attractive younger sister to marry a sufficient establishment, not, +I fear, from wholly altruistic motives. So she was not altogether +sorry when the impecunious soldier-husband, whom <i>Nelly</i> had +personally preferred, was reported missing, thus leaving that to +chance once again open. Then, just as her plans seemed to be +prospering, word came secretly to her that there was a man +shattered and with memory lost in a base hospital who might +possibly be the brother-in-law whom she so emphatically didn't +want. What happens <span class="pagenum"><a name="page374" id= +"page374"></a>[pg 374]</span> upon this you shall find out for +yourself. Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD, as you will notice, has no fear of a +dramatic, even melodramatic, situation; handles it, indeed, with a +skill that the most popular might envy. Thence onwards the story, +perhaps a trifle slow in starting, gathers force. The two visits to +the camp at X—— (a very thin disguise for a place that +no Englishman of our time will ever forget) are admirably vivid; +the last chapters especially being as moving as anything that Mrs. +WARD has given us, whether in her popular, profound or propagandist +manner.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Lately, Mr. E.F. BENSON seems to have been devoting himself +almost wholly to chronicling the short and simple annals of the +middle-aged. With one exception, all his recent protagonists have +been, if not exactly in the sere and yellow, at least ripely +mature. So that such a title as that of his latest novel, <i>An +Autumn Solving</i> (COLLINS), produced in me rather a feeling of +familiar expectancy than of surprise. Also when the wrapper artist +clothes a volume with a picture of an elderly gentleman obviously +giving up an attractive young woman of perhaps one-third his years +it is idle to pretend that the contents retain all the thrill of +the unforeseen. Having said so much, I can let myself go in praise +(as how often before) of those qualities of insight and gently +sub-acid humour that make a BENSON novel an interlude of pure +enjoyment to the "jaded reviewer." In case the indiscreet cover may +happily have been removed before the volume reaches your hands, I +do not propose to give away the plot in any detail. The autumn +sowing of course produces a crop not exactly of wild oats, but of +romantic tares that springs in the hitherto barren heart of one +<i>Keeling</i>, prosperous tradesman, husband, father, mayor, +public benefactor and baronet, by reason of the too sympathetic +damsel who types his letters and catalogues his library. That +library shows Mr. BENSON'S genius; without it I should hardly have +been able to believe in the subsequent happenings, but, given this +"secret garden," all the tragedy is explained. I have left myself +no space in which to do justice to some admirable characterization. +<i>Keeling's</i> wife is worthy of a place in the author's long +gallery of woolly-witted matrons; while in <i>Silverdale</i> he has +given a study of clerical futility and egotism almost savage in its +detestability, a portrait at which one laughs and shudders +together. Of course the book will have, and deserve, a huge +welcome.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>The union of scholarship and sympathy, enthusiasm and eloquence, +is rare; yet these qualities are to be found in perfect harmony in +the stately volume on the poets' poet which has just been published +under the style, on the cover, <i>Life of John Keats</i>, and on +the title-page, <i>John Keats, His Life and Poetry, His Friends, +Critics and After-Fame</i> (MACMILLAN)—a volume upon which +Sir SIDNEY COLVIN has been engaged ever since his retirement from +the Print Room of the British Museum, and may be said to have been +preparing to write all his days, ever since, as a boy, he first +opened the "magic casement." A book representing so long and ardent +a devotion, and written by one whose loyalties have always been so +cordially sustained and acknowledged, could not but glow; and it is +its warmth of feeling which, to my mind, peculiarly marks this very +distinguished work. It is more than a life; it is a "companion" to +KEATS so complete and understanding that one can with confidence +apply to it the abused word, "definitive." Critical essays on the +poet no doubt will continue to appear, but this is the last +biographical monument likely to be raised to him.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Your enjoyment of <i>The Head of the Family</i> (METHUEN) may in +a measure depend upon your capacity to appreciate <i>William +Linkhorn</i> and the glory of his "great flaming beard." To me, +unhappily, <i>William</i> was an uncouth rustic, just that and very +little else; but he possessed some mysterious attraction for women; +so, at any rate, Mrs. HENRY DUDENEY tells me, though she does not +explain to my satisfaction what it was. <i>Phoebe-Louisa</i> +married him partly because she wanted a man to help in her +greengrocery; but what charm he had for her soon waned, and she +smote hard when she caught him philandering with <i>Beausire +Fillery</i>. It was all the lady's fault; <i>William</i> had, so to +speak, only to wave his beard and she was at his feet. But if the +hirsute feature of this story leaves me cold it is easy enough to +enjoy and admire the rest. The <i>Firebraces</i>, spoken of here as +"The Family," are most admirably drawn. Never has the condescension +of county people to those less exalted in birth been described with +more delightful irony. True that some of the <i>Firebraces</i> +kicked over the traces and married whom they listed, but the family +as a whole was rooted deep enough to stand shocks which would have +devastated people of less assured position. The scenes of the story +are laid in and around Lewes, a part of England dear to Mrs. +DUDENEY'S heart, and of which she writes with real comprehension +and devotion.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>By a self-denying ordinance Mr. Punch declines, as a general +rule, to review in these columns the work of his Staff. But he may +permit himself to announce to all lovers of the gay humour of +"A.A.M." that Messrs. HODDER AND STOUGHTON have just brought out a +new novel, <i>Once on a Time</i>, by Mr. ALAN A. MILNE, with +illustrations by Mr. H. M. BROCK.</p> +<hr /> +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href= +"images/374.png"><img width="100%" src="images/374.png" alt= +"" /></a> +<p class="center">A CONSOLING THOUGHT.</p> +<p><i>Belated Traveller (surprised by a bull when taking a short +cut to the station).</i> "BY JOVE! I BELIEVE I SHALL CATCH THAT +TRAIN AFTER ALL."</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Alexander had his 'Plutarch' always under his +pillow."—<i>British Weekly.</i></p> +</blockquote> +<p>This must have been a very early edition.</p> +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Colombo is suffering from an attack of rabies and there have +been 38 cases reported so far. In the first six months of the year +1,300 days were destroyed."—<i>Singapore Free Press</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Let us hope that every day had its dog.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 153, NOV. 28, 1917***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 11443-h.txt or 11443-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/4/4/11443">https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/4/4/11443</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution.</p> + + + +<pre> +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +<a href="https://gutenberg.org/license">https://gutenberg.org/license)</a>. + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS,' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's +eBook number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII, +compressed (zipped), HTML and others. + +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks replace the old file and take over +the old filename and etext number. The replaced older file is renamed. +VERSIONS based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving +new filenames and etext numbers. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">https://www.gutenberg.org</a> + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + +EBooks posted prior to November 2003, with eBook numbers BELOW #10000, +are filed in directories based on their release date. If you want to +download any of these eBooks directly, rather than using the regular +search system you may utilize the following addresses and just +download by the etext year. + +<a href="http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext06">http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext06</a> + + (Or /etext 05, 04, 03, 02, 01, 00, 99, + 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90) + +EBooks posted since November 2003, with etext numbers OVER #10000, are +filed in a different way. The year of a release date is no longer part +of the directory path. The path is based on the etext number (which is +identical to the filename). The path to the file is made up of single +digits corresponding to all but the last digit in the filename. For +example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at: + +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/2/3/10234 + +or filename 24689 would be found at: +https://www.gutenberg.org/2/4/6/8/24689 + +An alternative method of locating eBooks: +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/GUTINDEX.ALL">https://www.gutenberg.org/GUTINDEX.ALL</a> + +*** END: FULL LICENSE *** +</pre> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/old/11443-h/images/359.png b/old/11443-h/images/359.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b26e62b --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11443-h/images/359.png diff --git a/old/11443-h/images/361.png b/old/11443-h/images/361.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2feec80 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11443-h/images/361.png diff --git a/old/11443-h/images/362.png b/old/11443-h/images/362.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c37e55d --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11443-h/images/362.png diff --git a/old/11443-h/images/363.png b/old/11443-h/images/363.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d78202f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11443-h/images/363.png diff --git a/old/11443-h/images/365.png b/old/11443-h/images/365.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9209a0d --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11443-h/images/365.png diff --git a/old/11443-h/images/366.png b/old/11443-h/images/366.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..97fc138 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11443-h/images/366.png diff --git a/old/11443-h/images/367.png b/old/11443-h/images/367.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d860d39 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11443-h/images/367.png diff --git a/old/11443-h/images/368.png b/old/11443-h/images/368.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..751bd80 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11443-h/images/368.png diff --git a/old/11443-h/images/369.png b/old/11443-h/images/369.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c3d6572 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11443-h/images/369.png diff --git a/old/11443-h/images/370.png b/old/11443-h/images/370.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e3d04eb --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11443-h/images/370.png diff --git a/old/11443-h/images/371.png b/old/11443-h/images/371.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..126b66d --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11443-h/images/371.png diff --git a/old/11443-h/images/373.png b/old/11443-h/images/373.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9d95336 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11443-h/images/373.png diff --git a/old/11443-h/images/374.png b/old/11443-h/images/374.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..af72d59 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11443-h/images/374.png diff --git a/old/11443.txt b/old/11443.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5040334 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11443.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2008 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, +Nov. 28, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Nov. 28, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 4, 2004 [eBook #11443] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 153, NOV. 28, 1917*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Andy Jewell, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11443-h.htm or 11443-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/4/11443/11443-h/11443-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/4/11443/11443-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 153 + +NOVEMBER 28, 1917 + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +"How the Germans never got wind of it," writes a correspondent of the +British attack on the HINDENBURG line, "is a mystery." The failure of +certain M.P.'s to ask questions about it in Parliament beforehand may +have had something to do with it. + + *** + +An order has been promulgated fixing the composition of horse chaff. The +approach of the pantomime season is thought to be responsible for it. + + *** + +"We are particularly anxious," writes the Ministry of Food, "that +Christmas plum-puddings should not be kept for any length of time." A +Young Patriots' League has been formed, we understand, whose members are +bent on carrying out Lord RHONDDA'S wishes at any cost to their parents. + + *** + +Another birthplace of ST. GEORGE has been captured in Palestine. It is +now definitely established that the sainted warrior's habit of trying to +carry-on in two places at the same time was the subject of much adverse +criticism by the military experts of the period. + + *** + +A Camberley man charged with deserting the Navy and joining the Army +explained that he was tired of waiting for TIRPITZ to come out. We +are informed that Commander CARLYON BELLAIRS, M.P., and Admiral W.H. +HENDERSON have been asked to enlighten the poor fellow as to the true +state of affairs. + + *** + +A skull of the Bronze Age has been found on Salisbury Plain. Several +hats of the brass age have also been seen in the vicinity. + + *** + +Imports of ostrich feathers have fallen from L33,000 in 1915 to L182 +in 1917. Ostrich farmers, it appears, are on the verge of ruin as +the result of their inability to obtain scissors and other suitable +foodstuffs for the birds. + + *** + +"Measures are being taken to check pacifists," says Sir GEORGE CAVE. +Prison-yard measures, we hope. + + *** + +A Stoke Newington constable has discovered a happy method of taking +people's minds off their food troubles. During the last month he has +served fifty of them with dog-summonses. + + *** + +Five hundred pounds have been sent to the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER +by an anonymous donor. It is thought that the man is concealing his +identity to avoid being made a baronet. + + *** + +"What is the use of corporations if they can do nothing useful?" asks +Councillor STOCK, of Margate. It is an alluring topic, but a patriotic +Press has decided that it must be postponed in favour of the War. + + *** + +During trench-digging on Salisbury Plain the skeleton of a young man, +apparently buried about the year 600 B.C., was unearthed. The skull was +partially fractured, evidently by a battle-axe. Foul play is suspected. + + *** + +Sugar was sold for half-a-guinea a pound at a charity sale in the +South of England, and local grocers are complaining bitterly of unfair +competition. + + *** + +A contemporary points out that there is a soldier in the North +Staffordshire Regiment whose name is DOUGLAS HAIG. Riots are reported in +Germany. + + *** + +"Can Fish Smell?" asks a weekly paper headline. We can only say that in +our experience they sometimes do, especially on a Monday. + + *** + +An employer pleading for an applicant before the Egham Tribunal stated +that he had an oil-engine which nobody else would go near. We cannot +help thinking that much might be done with a little tact, such as going +up to the engine quietly and stroking its face, or even making a noise +like a piece of oily waste. + + *** + +Germany's new Hymn of Hate has been published. To give greater effect to +the thing and make it more fearful, Germans who contemplate singing it +are requested to grow side-whiskers. + + *** + +It is rumoured that since his recent tirade at York against newspapers +Dr. LYTTELTON has been made an Honorary Member of the Society of +Correctors of the Press. + + *** + +_The Evening News_ informs us that Mr. HENRY WHITE, a grave-digger of +Hellingly, has just dug his thousandth grave. Congratulations to our +contemporary upon being the first to spread the joyful news. + + *** + +Unfortunately, says _The Daily Mail_, Lord NORTHCLIFFE cannot be in four +places at once. Pending a direct contradiction from the new Viscount +himself, we can only counsel the country to bear this announcement with +fortitude. + + *** + +Only the other day _The Daily Chronicle_ referred to the Premier as "Mr. +George," just as if it had always been a penny paper. + + *** + +The rush to a certain Northern suburb has died down. The rumour that +there was a polite grocer there turns out to be cruelly at variance with +the facts. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JOY-RIDING UP-TO-DATE. + +THE UNDEFEATED WAR-PROFITEER.] + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER SEX-PROBLEM. + + "Plaintiff was the daughter of an officer in the Royal Irish + Constabulary, and was a grand-nephew of Dr. Abernethy, the famous + surgeon."--_Evening Paper_. + + * * * * * + +From a recent novel:-- + + "His face was of the good oatmeal type, and grew upon one." + +Useful in these days of rations. + + + * * * * * +From _The New Statesman's_ comment on Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S Paris speech. + + "He does try to be Biblical sometimes. In the Paris speech he used + the unnatural word 'yea' twice. Each time it gave one shudders down + the back." + +No doubt next time, in view of our obligations to U.S.A., the PRIME +MINISTER will say "Yep." + + * * * * * + +THE VICTORY. + +[_For J.B., with the author's affectionate pride._] + +HINDENBURG TO MACKENSEN. + + Dear MAC, in that prodigious thrust + In which your valiant legions vie + With HANNIBAL'S renown, I trust + You go a shade more strong than I; + Lately I've lost a lot of scalps, + Which is a dem'd unpleasant thing; + You may enjoy the Julian Alps-- + I do not like this JULIAN BYNG. + + I find him full of crafty pranks: + Without the usual warning fire + He loosed his beastly rows of tanks + And sent 'em wallowing through my wire; + For days and days he kept the lid + Hard down upon his low designs, + Then simply walked across and did + Just what he liked with all my lines. + + The fellow doesn't keep the rules; + Experts (I'm one myself) advise + That in trench-warfare even fools + Cannot be taken by surprise; + It isn't done; and yet he came + With never a previous "Are you there?" + And caught me--this is not the game-- + Bending my thoughtful gaze elsewhere. + + _Later_.--My route is toward the rear. + Where I shall stand and stop the rot + Lord only knows; and now I hear + Your forward pace is none too hot; + Indeed, with BYNG upon the burst, + If at this rate I make for home, + I doubt not who will get there first, + I to the Rhine, or you to Rome. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE LITERARY ADVISER. + +No, he does not appear in the _Gazette_. War establishments know him +not and his appointment throws no additional labour upon the staff of +Messrs. COX AND CO. Unofficially he is known as O.C. Split Infinitives. +His duties are to see that the standard of literary excellence, which +makes the correspondence of the Corps a pleasure to receive, is +maintained at the high level set by the Corps Commander himself. Indeed +the velvety quality of our prose is the envy of all other formations. + +Apart from duties wholly literary, he is also O.C. Code Names. The +stock-in-trade for this skilled labour is an H.B. pencil and a Webster +Dictionary. The routine is simplicity itself. As soon as anybody informs +him of a new arrival in the area he fishes out the dictionary, plays +Tit-Tat-Toe with the H.B., writes out the word that it lands upon at the +end of his rhyme, and, hey presto! there is another day's work done. + +But one day, for the sake of greater secrecy, it became necessary to +rename all the units of the area, and the Literary Adviser suddenly +found himself put to it to provide about three hundred new Code Names at +once. Heroically he set to work with his dictionary, his H.B. pencil, +and his little rhyme. For two days the Resplendent Ones in the General +Staff Office bore patiently with the muttering madman in the corner. +For two days he fluttered the leaves of his dictionary and +whispered hoarsely to himself, "Tit-tat-toe, my-first-go, +three-jolly-nigger-boys-all-in-a-_row_," picking out word after word +with unerring accuracy until the dictionary was a waste of punctures and +three generations of H.B.'s had passed away. Before the second day was +out the jingle had done its dreadful work. It was as much as the clerks +could do to avoid keeping step with it. The climax came when the Senior +Resplendent One, looking down at the telegram he was writing, found to +his horror that he had written, "Situation quiet Tit-Tat-Toe. Hostile +artillery activity normal Tit-Tat-Toe," and so on, substituting this +abomination in place of the official stop, ("Ack-Ack-Ack") throughout. + +It was enough. Still gibbering, the Literary Adviser was hurled forth +from the office and told to work his witchcraft in solitude. + +Paler, thinner and older by years he emerged from his retirement +triumphant, and the new code names went forth to a flourish of trumpets +or rather of the hooters of the despatch-riders. + +Then it began. For days he was subjected to rigorous criticisms of his +selection. "Signals" tripped him up first by pointing out two units with +the same name, and they also went on to point out that the word was +spelt "cable" in the first instance and "cabal" in the second. The +gunners, working in groups, complained bitterly that a babel had arisen +through the similarity of the words allotted to their groups. One +infuriated battery commander said it was as much as he could do to get +anyone else on the telephone but himself. + +Touched to the quick by criticism (when was it ever otherwise amongst +his kind?) the Adviser set aside his real work (he was, of course, +writing a book about the War) and applied himself to, the task of +straightening the tangle. Obviously the ideal combination would be for +each unit to have a code name that nobody could mistake no matter how +badly it was pronounced. And to this ideal he applied himself. Often, on +fine afternoons, the serenity of the country-side was disturbed by the +voice of one crying in the wilderness, "Soap--Silk--Salvage--Sympathy," +to see if any dangerous similarity existed. At dinner a glaze would +suddenly come over his eyes, his lips would move involuntarily and +mutter, as he gazed into vacancy, "Mustard--Mutton--Meat--Muffin." + +Histrionic effort played no small part in these attempts and +led to a good deal of misunderstanding, for he felt it incumbent +on him to try his codes in every possible dialect. Instead of +the usual cheery "Good morning," a major of a famous Highland +regiment was scandalised by an elderly subaltern blethering out, +"Cannibal--Custard--Claymore--Caramel," in an abominable Scotch accent. +Another day (on receipt of written orders) he was compelled to visit the +line to see if things had been built as reported, or, if it was just +optimism again. Half-an-hour later a sentry brought him down the trench +at the point of the bayonet for muttering as he rounded the traverse, +"Galoot--Gunning--Grumble--Grumpy," in pseudo-Wessex. Naturally, to +Native Yorkshire this sounded like pure Bosch. + +Ah! but he won through in the end. The man who has stood five years of +unsuccessful story-writing for magazines is not the kind to let himself +be beaten easily. There could be no doubt of the final result. When the +revised list was issued the response to the inquiry, "Hullo, is that +Sink?" was met by a "No, this is Smack," that crashed through the +thickest intellect. + +But vaulting ambition had o'erleapt itself. As a covering note to the +new issue he had put up the following letter:-- + +"Ref. G K etc., etc., of 10th inst. On November 3rd all previous issues +of Code Names will be cancelled in favour of the more euphonious +nomenclature which is forwarded herewith." + +A shriek of joy echoed through the corps. "Euphonious!" What a word! +What a discovery in a foreign country! The joy of the signal operators, +on whom something of the spirit of the old-time bus-drivers has +descended, was indescribable. You had only to pick up the receiver at +any time and the still small voices of the busy signal world could be +heard chortling, "Hullo-oo? Hullo, Euphonious! How's your father? +Yes, give me Crump." Or, "No, I can't get the General; he's left his +euphonious receiver off." + +Poor Euphonious (he has never been called by anything else since)--they +have threatened to make him O.C. Recreations for Troops. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BIRDS OF ILL OMEN. + +MR. PUNCH. "ONLY GOT HIM IN THE TAIL, SIR." + +THE MAN FROM WHITEHALL. "YES, BUT I MEAN TO GET THE NEXT ONE IN THE +NECK."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mistress_. "I HOPE YOU'RE DOING WHAT YOU CAN TO +ECONOMISE THE FOOD." + +_Cook_. "OH, YES'M. WE'VE PUT THE CAT ON MILK-AN'-WATER."] + + * * * * * + +PARS WITH A PUNCH. + +ALL THE REAL NEWS ABOUT MEN, WOMEN AND THINGS. + +BY OUR RAMBLING GOSSIP. + +_(With acknowledgments to some of our contemporaries.)_ + +_A Long-Felt Want._ + + +The opening, next week, of a Training School for Bus and Tube Travellers +will, it is hoped, supply a long-felt want in the Metropolis. I +understand that a month's course at the establishment will enable the +feeblest of mortals to hold his own and more in the fearful melee that +rages daily round train and vehicle. I have a prospectus before me as +I write; here are some of its sub-heads: "The Strap-Hanger's +Stranglehold," "Foot Frightfulness," "How to Enter a Bus Secretly," "The +Umbrella Barrage," "Explosives--When their Use is Justified," "What to +do when the Conductor Falls off the Bus." This certainly promises a +speedy amelioration of present-day travelling conditions. + + +_Timbuctoo Tosh_. + +Last week, when all those ridiculous rumours anent Timbuctoo were flying +about, you will remember how I warned you to set no faith in them. You +will admit that I was a good counsellor. Nothing _has_ happened at +Timbuctoo. I doubt very much whether anything _could_ happen there. + + +_Hush!_ + +On the other hand, keep your eye on a spot not a thousand miles away +from Clubland. Something will certainly happen there some day, and, when +it does, bear in mind that I warned you. + + +_Amazing Discovery._ + +Mr. ROOSEVELT'S discovery that, unknown to himself, he has been blind in +one eye for over a year, is surely surpassed by the experience of Mr. +Caractacus Crowsfeet, the popular M.P. for Slushington, who has just +learnt, as the result of a cerebral operation, that he possesses no +brain whatever. "It is indeed remarkable," said Mr. C. to me the other +day, "for I can truthfully assert that in all my arduous political +labours of the past ten years I have never felt the need or even +noticed the absence of this organ." He coughed modestly. "I have always +maintained that in politics it is the man, not the mind, that counts." + + +_She Has One!_ + +Mrs. Zebulon Napthaliski proposes to spend the winter on her Brighton +estate. "Yes--I _have_ received my sugar card," she told me, in answer +to my eager query. "More than that I cannot say." + + +_Fare and Foliage._ + +That charming fashion of decorating the dinner-table with foliage will +be all the rage this winter. Well-known London hostesses, basket on arm, +may daily be seen in Mayfair garnering fallen leaves from lawn, path or +roadside. Some very daring Society women are dispensing altogether with +a cloth, the table being covered with a complete layer of leaves. I +doubt, however, whether this will become popular, guests showing a +tendency to mislay their knives and forks in the foliage. + + +_A Bon Mot._ + +Have you heard the latest _bon mot_ that is going the round of the +clubs? Mrs. Savory Beet, of Pacifist fame, has, as you will recall, +announced her intention of taking up war work. "Ah!" was the comment of +a cynical bachelor, "it was a case of her taking up something or being +taken up herself!" His audience simply screamed with laughter. + + * * * * * + +_Watch Out!_ + +Don't be surprised if you hear of some sensational political +developments in the near future. The Minister who said recently that +the inevitable sequel to war was peace, was, in the opinion of those +competent to judge but, by reason of their official position, unable to +criticise, hinting at proposals which, if the signs and portents of the +time go for anything, would have far-reaching effects on the question of +Electoral Representation. I will say no more. Time alone will disclose +my meaning. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Urchin (with an inborn terror of the Force)._ "Oo, +MUVVER! IT WON'T, WILL IT?"] + + * * * * * + +OMINOUS. + + "----went every morning to a firm of sausage-makers by whom he was + employed as a horse-dealer."--_Irish Paper_. + + * * * * * + +"Rome, Saturday. + + "The announcement is made to-day of the award by the King [of Italy] + of gold medals to Lieutenant Giuseppe Castruccio and I sentence him + to three months' hard."--_Manchester Evening Chronicle_. + +When will British journalists learn not to interfere with the internal +affairs of friendly nations? + + * * * * * + +THE LAST MATCH. + + This is the last, the very, very last. + Its gay companions, who so snugly lay + Within the corners of their fragile home, + All, all are lightly fled and surely gone; + And their survivor lingers in his pride, + The last of all the matches in the house; + For Mr. Siftings says he has no more, + And Siftings is an honourable man, + And would not state a fact that was not so. + For now he has himself to do without + The flaming boon of matches, having none, + And cannot furnish us as he desires, + Being a grocer and the best of men, + But murmurs vaguely of a future week + When matches shall be numerous again + As leaves in Vallombrosa and as cheap. + Blinks, the tobacconist, he too is spent + With weary waiting in a matchless land; + What Siftings cannot get cannot be got + By men like Blinks, that young tobacconist, + Who tried with all a patriot's fiery zeal + To join the Army, but was sent away + For varicose and too protuberant veins; + And being foiled of all his high intent + Now minds the shop and is a Volunteer, + Drilling on Sundays with the rest of them; + He too, amid his hoards of cigarettes, + Is void of matches as he's full of veins. + So here's a good match in a naughty world, + And what to do with it I do not know, + Save that somehow, when all the place is still, + It shall explode and spurt and flame and burn + Slowly away, not having thus achieved + The lighting of a pipe or any act + Of usefulness, but having spent itself + In lonely grandeur as befits the last + Of all the varied matches I have known. + + * * * * * + +OUR SAMSONS. + + "Wanted at once.--Reliable Man for carrying off motor + lorry."--_Clitheroe Advertiser_. + + * * * * * + + "To-day the man possesses a second tumb, serviceable for all + ordinary purposes."--_Belfast Evening Telegraph_. + +In these days of restricted rations it seems a superflous luxury. + + * * * * * + + "Diamond Brooch, 15 cwt., set with three blue white diamonds; make a + handsome present; L9 9s."--_Derby Daily Telegraph_. + +It seems a lot for the money; but personally we would sooner have the +same weight of coals. + + * * * * * + +THE WAY DOWN. + +SYDNEY SMITH, or NAPOLEON or MARCUS AURELIUS (somebody about that time) +said that after ten days any letter would answer itself. You see what +he meant. Left to itself your invitation from the Duchess to lunch next +Tuesday is no longer a matter to worry about by Wednesday morning. You +were either there or not there; it is unnecessary to write now and say +that a previous invitation from the PRIME MINISTER--and so on. It was +NAPOLEON'S idea (or Dr. JOHNSON'S or MARK ANTONY'S--one of that circle) +that all correspondence can be treated in this manner. + +I have followed these early Masters (or whichever one it was) to the +best of my ability. At any given moment in the last few years there have +been ten letters that I absolutely _must_ write, thirty which I _ought_ +to write, and fifty which any other person in my position _would_ have +written. Probably I have written two. After all, when your profession +is writing, you have some excuse on returning home in the evenings for +demanding a change of occupation. No doubt if I were a coal-heaver by +day, my wife would see to the fire after dinner while I wrote letters. +As it is, she does the correspondence, while I gaze into the fire and +think about things. + +You will say, no doubt, that this was all very well before the War, but +that in the Army a little writing would be a pleasant change after the +day's duties. Allow me to disillusion you. If, three years ago, I ever +conceived a glorious future in which my autograph might be of value to +the more promiscuous collectors, that conception has now been shattered. +Three years in the Army has absolutely spoilt the market. Even were +I revered in the year 2,000 A.D. as SHAKSPEARE is revered now, my +half-million autographs, scattered so lavishly on charge-sheets, passes, +chits, requisitions, indents and applications would keep the price at a +dead level of about ten a penny. No, I have had enough of writing in +the Army and I never want to sign my own name again. "Yours sincerely, +HERBERT ASQUITH," "Faithfully yours, J. JELLICOE"--these by all means; +but not my own. + +However, I wrote a letter the other day; it was to the bank. It informed +them that I had arrived in London for a time and should be troubling +them again shortly, London being to all appearances an expensive place. +It also called attention to my new address--a small furnished flat in +which Celia and I can just turn round if we do it separately. When +it was written, there came the question of posting it. I was all for +waiting till the next morning, but Celia explained that there was +actually a letter-box on our own floor, twenty yards down the passage. I +took the letter along and dropped it into the slit. + +Then a wonderful thing happened. It went + +_Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty- +flipperty-flipperty-flipperty--FLOP._ + +I listened intently, hoping for more ... but that was all. Deeply +disappointed that it was over, but absolutely thrilled with my +discovery, I hurried back to Celia. + +"Any letters you want posted?" I said in an off-hand way. + +"No, thank you," she said. + +"Have you written any while we've been here?" + +"I don't think I've had anything to write." + +"I think," I said reproachfully, "it's quite time you wrote to +your--your bank or your mother or somebody." + +She looked at me and seemed to be struggling for words. + +"I know exactly what you're going to say," I said, "but don't say it; +write a little letter instead." + +"Well, as a matter of fact I _must_ just write a note to the laundress." + +"To the laundress," I said. "Of course, just a note." + +When it was written I insisted on her coming with me to post it. With +great generosity I allowed her to place it in the slit. A delightful +thing happened. It went + +_Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty- +flipperty-flipperty-flipperty--FLOP._ + +Right down to the letter-box in the hall. Two flipperties a floor. (A +simple calculation shows that we are perched on the fifth floor. I am +glad now that we live so high. It must be very dull to be on the fourth +floor with only eight flipperties, unbearable to be on the first with +only two.) + +"_O-oh!_ How _fas_-cinating!" said Celia. + +"Now don't you think you ought to write to your mother?" + +"Oh, I _must_." + +She wrote. We posted it. It went + +_Flipperty-flipperty_----However, you know all about that now. + +Since this great discovery of mine, life has been a more pleasurable +business. We feel now that there are romantic possibilities about +letters setting forth on their journey from our floor. To start life +with so many flipperties might lead to anything. Each time that we send +a letter off we listen in a tremble of excitement for the final FLOP, +and when it comes I think we both feel vaguely that we are still +waiting for something. We are waiting to hear some magic letter go +_flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty_ ... and behold! there is +no FLOP ... and still it goes on--_flipperty-flipperty-flipperty- +flipperty_--growing fainter in the distance ... until it arrives at +some wonderland of its own. One day it must happen so. For we cannot +listen always for that FLOP, and hear it always; nothing in this world +is as inevitable as that. One day we shall look at each other with awe +in our faces and say, "But it's still flipperting!" and from that time +forward the Hill of Campden will be a place holy and enchanted. Perhaps +on Midsummer Eve-- + +At any rate I am sure that it is the only way in which to post a letter +to Father Christmas. + +Well, what I want to say is this: if I have been a bad correspondent in +the past I am a good one now; and Celia, who was always a good one, is +a better one. It takes at least ten letters a day to satisfy us, and we +prefer to catch ten different posts. With the ten in your hand together +there is always a temptation to waste them in one wild rush of +flipperties, all catching each other up. It would be a great moment, but +I do not think we can afford it yet; we must wait until we get even more +practised at letter-writing. And even then I am doubtful; for it might +be that, lost in the confusion of that one wild rush, the magic letter +would start on its way--_flipperty-flipperty_--to the never-land, and we +should forever have missed it. + +So, friends, acquaintances, yes, and even strangers. I beg you now to +give me another chance. I will answer your letters, how gladly. I +still think that NAPOLEON (or CANUTE or the younger PLINY--one of the +pre-Raphaelites) took a perfectly correct view of his correspondence ... +but then _he_ Never had a letter-box which went + +_Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty- +flipperty-flipperty-flipperty--FLOP._ + +A.A.M. + + * * * * * + +THE H.D. AND Q. DEPARTMENT. + + "Major-General F.G. Bond is gazetted Director of Quartering at the + War Office." + +Pacifists beware! + + * * * * * + + "DIRTY WORK AT DOWNING STREET. BY HORATIO BOTTOMLEY." + + _John Bull._ + +They shouldn't have let him in. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer._ "WHY WERE YOU NOT AT ROLL-CALL LAST NIGHT?" + +_Defaulter._ "WELL, SIR, WITH THIS 'ERE CAMP CAMOUFLAGED SO MUCH, I +COULDN'T FIND MY WAY OUT OF THE CANTEEN."] + +COUNTER TACTICS. + +About a year ago I paid a visit to my hosier and haberdasher with +the intention of purchasing a few things with which to tide over +the remaining months of winter. After the preliminary discussion of +atmospherics had been got through, the usual raffle of garments was +spread about for my inspection. I viewed it dispassionately. Then, +discarding the little vesties of warm-blooded youth and the double-width +vestums of rheumatic old age, I chose several commonplace woollen +affairs and was preparing to leave when my hosier and haberdasher leaned +across the counter and whispered in my ear. + +"If I may advise you, Sir, you would be wise to make a large selection +of these articles. We do not expect to replace them." + +He glanced cautiously at an elderly gentleman who was stirring up a box +of ties, then, lowering his voice another semitone, added, "The mills +are now being used exclusively for Government work." He insinuated the +death-sentence effect very cleverly, and at that moment, coming to his +support, as it were, the old gentleman tottered up, seized upon two +garments and carried them off from under my very fingers. As he went out +a middle-aged lady entered and made straight for the residue upon the +counter. A feeling of panic came upon me. "Right you are," I exclaimed +hurriedly, "I'll take the lot." As a matter of fact she only wanted a +pair of gloves for her nephew in France. + +A few days later, still having the wool shortage in mind, I approached +my hosier and haberdasher on the subject of shirts. For a second or two +he looked thoughtfully at the toe of his boot. Then coming suddenly to a +decision he disappeared stealthily into the back premises, from which +he presently emerged carrying a large bale of flannel, which he cast +caber-wise upon the counter. + +"There," he said triumphantly, "I don't suppose there's another piece of +flannel like that in the country." He fingered it with an expert touch. + +"You don't say so," I said as I rubbed it reverently between my finger +and thumb, just to show that he wasn't the only one who could do it. + +"I'm afraid it's only too true," he confessed, "and I may add that, +after we have sold out our present stocks, flannel of any kind will be +absolutely unobtainable." + +"None at all?" I asked, horror-struck at the vision of my public life in +1920--a bow cravat over a double-width vestum. + +He shook his head and smiled wisely. + +I am instinctively against hoarding, but I knew that if I did not buy it +Jones would, and then some fine day, when nobody else had a shirt left, +he would swagger about and make my life intolerable. This decided me and +I bought the piece. + +A few days later it occurred to me that it might be advisable to lay +down some socks. My idea was in perfect unison with that of my hosier +and haberdasher. Socks were going to be unprocurable in a few months. I +patted myself on the back and bought up the 1916 vintage of Llama-Llama +footwear. The following week thirty-seven shirts arrived and I had to +buy a new chest-of-drawers. + +This, as I have stated before, was about a year ago. Yesterday I paid my +hosier and haberdasher another visit. If all the bone factories had not +been too exclusively engaged, etc., etc., I wished to buy a collar stud. +There was an elderly man standing in the shop. He was quite alone, +contemplating a mountain of garments. There were little vesties, +double-width vestums, and ordinary woollen affairs. + +You could have knocked me over with a dress-sock. + +And where was my hosier and haberdasher? Had the stranger--just awakened +to the value of his possessions--entered the shop and suddenly cast all +this treasure upon the counter? I imagined the shock of this procedure +on a man like my hosier and haberdasher, whose heart was perhaps a +trifle woolly. Had he collapsed? I glanced surreptitiously behind a +parapet of clocked socks. + +A moment later, from somewhere in the back premises, he appeared +carrying a large bale of flannel, which he cast caber-wise upon the +counter. I was dumbfounded. + +Then I knew the truth. + +"Sir," I said, turning to the stranger, "I believe you are about to make +a selection from these articles (I indicated them individually), which +you imagine to be the last of their race?" + +He nodded at me in a bewildered sort of way. + +"In a few months," I continued remorselessly, "they will be absolutely +unprocurable" (he gave a start of recognition), "and you, having bought +them, will sneak through life with the feelings of a food-hoarder, +mingled with those of the man who slew the last Camberwell Beauty. +I know the state of mind. But you need not distress yourself. These +garments (I indicated them again) will only be unprocurable because they +are in your possession. I have about half-a-ton myself, which, until a +few minutes age, would have been quite unprocurable. But I have changed +my mind and, if you will come with me, you can take your choice with +a clear conscience, and (I glanced maliciously at my faded hosier and +haberdasher) at the prices which were prevalent a year ago." + +I linked my arm with that of the stranger, and together we passed out of +the shop into the unpolluted light of day. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mother (to child who has been naughty)._ "AREN'T YOU +RATHER ASHAMED OF YOURSELF?" + +_Child._ "WELL, MOTHER, I WASN'T. BUT NOW THAT YOU'VE SUGGESTED IT I +AM."] + + * * * * * + +PRETENDING. + + I know a magic woodland with grassy rides that ring + To strange fantastic music and whirr of elfin wing, + There all the oaks and beeches, moss-mantled to the knees, + Are really fairy princes pretending to be trees. + + I know a magic moorland with wild winds drifting by, + And pools among the peat-hags that mirror back the sky; + And there in golden bracken the fronds that toss and turn + Are really little people pretending to be fern. + + I wander in the woodland, I walk the magic moor; + Sometimes I meet with fairies, sometimes I'm not so sure; + And oft I pause and wonder among the green and gold + If I am not a child again--pretending to be old. + +W.H.O. + + * * * * * + +It is understood that the FOOD-CONTROLLER has protested against the +forcible feeding of hunger-strikers. If they want to commit the Yappy +Dispatch, why shouldn't they? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ST. GEORGE OUT-DRAGONS THE DRAGON. [With Mr. Punch's +jubilant compliments to Sir DOUGLAS HAIG and his Tanks.]] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, November 19th._--Such a rush of Peers to the House of Commons +has seldom been seen. Lord WIMBORNE, who knows something of congested +districts, arrived early and secured the coveted seat over the clock. +Lord CURZON, holding a watching brief for the War Cabinet, was only just +in time to secure a place; and Lord COURTNEY and several others found +"standing room only." If we have many more crises Sir ALFRED MOND will +have to make provision for strap-hangers. + +There was very little sign of passion in Mr. ASQUITH'S measured +criticism of the Allied Council and of the PRIME MINISTER'S speech on +the subject in Paris. His foil was carefully buttoned, and though it +administered a shrewd thrust now and again it was not intended to draw +blood. + +At first the PRIME MINISTER followed this excellent example, and +contented himself with defending, and incidentally re-composing, his +Paris oration. The Allied Council, as now depicted, was a horse of +quite another colour from what it seemed in Paris. A further example of +_camouflage_, I suppose. + +Only when he came to deal with his Press critics did he let himself go, +to the delight of the House, which loves him in his swashbuckling mood. +As he confessed, however, that he had deliberately made "a disagreeable +speech" in Paris in order to get it talked about, the Press will +probably consider itself absolved. + +_Tuesday, November 20th._--Like John Bull, as represented in last week's +cartoon, Lord LAMINGTON has arrived at the conclusion that compulsory +rationing must come, and the sooner the better. Lord RHONDDA, however, +is still hopeful that John will tighten his own belt, and save him the +trouble. "More Yapping and Less Biting" should be our motto. But if we +fail to live up to it, the machinery for compulsory rationing is all +ready. Indeed, according to Lord DEVONPORT, it has been ready since +April last, when an "S.O.S." to the local authorities was on the point +of being sent, but a timely increase in imports stopped it. + +Nobody doubts Commander WEDGWOOD'S essential patriotism; he has proved +it like a knight of old on his body; but he is unfortunate in some of +his political associates, who take advantage of his good-nature. A book +with a preface by himself had been seized by the police on suspicion of +being seditious, and he loudly demanded to be prosecuted. But Sir GEORGE +CAVE was not inclined to set up a legal presumption that the writer of a +preface is responsible for the rest of the book. If he were, a good many +"forewords" would, I imagine, never have been written. + +_Wednesday, November 21st._--By a strange oversight the Royal Marines +were not specifically mentioned in the recent Vote of Thanks to the +Services. Apparently the fact that this country is proud of them is one +of those things that must not be told to the Marines. But Dr. MACNAMARA +assured the House that the omission should now be repaired. + +[Illustration: "His foil was carefully buttoned." + +MR. ASQUITH.] + +There has been a shortage of provisions in the city where _Lady Godiva_ +suffered from a shortage of clothes. Mr. CLYNES was prompt with a +remedy. A representative of the FOOD-CONTROLLER has already been sent to +Coventry. + +Conscientious Objectors found a doughty champion in Lord HUGH CECIL. +Rarely has an unpopular case been fortified with a greater wealth of +legal, historical and ethical argument. Only once, when he accused Mr. +BONAR LAW of holding the same doctrine as Herr BETHMANN-HOLLWEG, did he +lose, for a moment, the sympathy of his audience. But he soon recovered +himself, and thereafter held the House rapt with Cecilian harmonies. + +To such a lofty plane, indeed, had the debate been lifted that Mr. +RONALD MCNEILL, tall as he is, had some difficulty in bringing it down +to earth again; and when the division was called the spell was still +working, and in a very big House the "Conchies" only lost their votes by +thirty-eight. + +_Thursday, November 22nd._--Pending the introduction of the promised +censorship of Parliamentary Questions, Mr. JOSEPH KING is working +overtime. No story is too fantastically impossible to find a shelter +under his hospitable hat. To-day it was a secret treaty between the +Russian Government (old style) and the French Republic, by which Belgium +was to be compensated at the expense of Holland. Lord ROBERT CECIL +denounced it as an invention of the enemy. But I don't suppose the +denial had the smallest effect upon Mr. KING, who probably went off and +dined heartily on a magnum of mare's-nest soup. + +A tremendous accession to the ranks of the Sinn Feiners has been +narrowly averted. When Members read the menu which, according to Major +NEWMAN, the Irish Government has adopted for political prisoners--three +good square meals a day, including an egg, ten ounces of meat, a pound +and a half of bread, two pints and a half of milk, and real butter--they +were strongly minded to enlist under Mr. DE VALERA'S banner and get +themselves arrested forthwith. But Mr. DUKE'S emphatic denial shattered +their dream of repletion at the taxpayers' expense. + +A final attempt to get proportional representation included in the +Franchise Bill was heavily defeated. In a dashing attempt to save it Sir +MARK SYKES declared that the old Eatanswill methods of electioneering +had gone for ever--"no mouth was large enough to kiss thirty thousand +babies." But the majority of the House seemed to be more impressed by +the self-sacrificing argument of that eminent temperance advocate, Sir +THOMAS WHITTAKER, who feared that "P.R." would lead to an increase in +"milk-and-water politicians." + + * * * * * + +ALWAYS SOMETHING NEW FROM AFRICA. + + "A Belgian East African communique says that before the converging + advance of the Anglo-German Belgian columns, the enemy retired to + the south bank of the Kilimbero."--_Mombasa Times._ + +We seem to have met some of these Anglo-German columns in the Pacifist +Press. + + "Our machines then bombed the General, in which the + German Head-quarters at Constantinople are reported to be + situated."--_Times._ + +The General must have been stout, even for a German. + + "Not having regained consciousness the police are left with little + tangible evidence to work upon."--_Daily Telegraph._ + +Let us hope they will soon come to. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HOW TO UTILISE OUR SKILLED CRAFTSMEN. + +_First Lieutenant._ "WHAT WAS THIS MAN BEFORE HE JOINED?" + +_Petty Officer._ "OPTICIAN, SIR." + +_First Lieutenant._ "WHAT HAD WE BETTER GIVE HIM TO DO?" + +_Petty Officer._ "THERE'S THEM PRISMATIC SPOTTING GLASSES, SIR. THE +LEATHER STRAP IS BROKEN OFF THEM. HE COULD SPLICE IN A PIECE O' COD +LINE."] + + * * * * * + +_LE POILU DE CARCASSONNE._ + + THE _poilus_ of France on the Western Front are brave as brave can be, + Whether they hail from rich Provence or from ruined Picardie; + It's the self-same heart from the lazy Loire and the busy banks of Seine, + Undaunted by perpetual mud or cold or gas or pain; + And all are as gay as men know how whose wealth and friends are gone, + But the gayest of all is a little white dog that came from Carcassonne. + + He was brought as a pup by a _Midi_ man to a sector along the Aisne, + But his man laid the wire one pitch-black night and never came back again. + The pup stood by with one ear down and the other a question mark, + And at times he licked his dead friend's face and at times he tried to bark, + Till the listening sentry heard the sound, and when the daylight shone + He looked abroad and cried, "_Bon Guieu! C'est le poilu de Carcassonne!_" + + So the dead man's _copains_ kept the dog on the strength of the company. + And whoever went short it was not the pup, though a greedy pup was he; + They gave him their choicest bits of _sinje_ and drops of _pinard_ too; + He was warm and safe when he crept beneath a cloak of horizon-blue; + They clipped fresh _brisques_ in his rough white coat as the weary months + dragged on, + And all the sector knows him now as _le Poilu de Carcassonne_. + + And in return he keeps their hearts from that haunting foe, _l'ennui_; + He's their plaything, friend, and sentry too, and a lover of devilry; + He helps them to hunt out rats or Boches; he burrows and sniffs for mines, + And he growls when the murderous shrapnel flies screaming above the lines; + His little black nose is a-quiver with glee whenever a raid is on, + And they say with pride, "_C'est la guerre elle-meme, notre Poilu de + Carcassonne!_" + + There was none more glad when they went to rest in their billet, a + ruined shack, + But when they returned to the front-line trench he was just as pleased + to be back; + He's the spirit of fun itself, and so when other men feel blue, + His friends remark, "_Le cafard, quoi? On l'connait pas chez nous!_" + So when you drink to the valiant French and the glorious fights they've won + Just raise your glass to a little white dog that came from Carcassonne. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"LOYALTY." + +If you are a pernickety intellectual (_soi-disant_) you may really +permit yourself to be faintly amused at the fiery zeal of the +mystery-wrapt author of _Loyalty_ for his (or, quite possibly, her) +country's cause in this difficult hour. If you are cast in the common +human mould that nowadays is seen for the glorious thing it is, you will +respond to many single-minded, wholesome thoughts in the impassioned +statement of his thesis. And if you happen to belong to that simple +discredited breed, the English, so long overshadowed by the nimbler +Britons, you may have quite a nice little private thrill of your own, +a thrill of pride in your precious stone, and begin to think with +seriousness of the advantages of "home rule all round" in an +England-for-the-English mood, and of the value of a nationalism that is +as irrational as conjugal or mother love--and as fine. + +The author's hero is an Englishman of the wandering type, assistant +editor on a crank paper. The play is a protracted debate in four +sessions, June, 1914; July, 1914; August, 1914; September, 1916. And +here the author makes his most serious mistake, the mistake made by Mr. +HENRY ARTHUR JONES in his recent squib. If he had contrived his Little +Navy folk, the proprietor, editor and revolving cranks as something +more than mere caricatures, brands of straw prepared for his consuming +bonfires, he would have strengthened, not weakened, his excellent case. +He has quoted his enemies' mistakes without their excuses, their texts +without their contexts. And that is a form of propaganda which can only +touch the converted, or such of them as are not stirred by a sporting +instinct to a certain mood of protest and a wish that the other fellow +should be given a better start in the heresy hunt. + +The _dramatis personae_, then, divide themselves into the men of straw +and the right sort. Of the former you have first _Sir Andrew Craig_, +chairman of the party in his constituency and editor of _The New +Standard_ (there were indeed altogether new standards of efficiency, +mentality and hospitality in that rather imaginative newspaper office of +the First Act). Mr. FISHER WHITE gave us the courtly-obstinate old man +to the life (this player has a way of removing straw). In the dramatic +passage in which, returning after being broken in a German prison, he +relates some of the horrors of which it is good for us to be reminded, +he rose to the height of his fine talent. His exquisite elocution--a +remarkable feat of virtuosity--was in itself a sheer delight. + +_Mr. Stutchbury_, the editor, pacifist and sentimental democrat, was +dealt to Mr. LENNOX PAWLE. He played his hand well. There was never such +an editor outside Bedlam; but Mr. PAWLE is a resourceful person and by a +score of clever tricks of gesture and business made a reasonable figure +of fun for our obloquy. All but broken in the end, but still claiming +that he had "the larger vision" (as he certainly had the larger +diameter), there was a certain dignity of pathos in his exit, a late +_amende_ by an otherwise remorseless puppet-maker. Mr. SYDNEY PAXTON +as a pillar of Nonconformity offered a clever study in the +unctuous-grotesque; Mr. VINCENT STERNROYD sketched a portrait of a +nut-consuming impenitent disarmamentist. The author is the first, so far +as I know, to give public emphasis to the queer fact of natural +history that there is some connection between extreme opinions and the +prominence of the Adam's apple of the holder of them--a fact on which I +have often pondered. + +Mr. M. MORAND, the aggressive Scots member of the election committee, +inspired to great heights of insobriety by the return of his +London-Scottish nephew from the Front, sounded a welcome human note, as +did Mr. SAM LIVESEY, the Labour Member of the committee, shaken out of +his detachment into an extreme explicitness of language by a Zeppelin +raid experience. Mr. GEORGE BELLAMY'S Welsh Disestablisher and Mr. +GRIFFITH HUMPHREYS' exuberant German press-agent of the pre-war period +were both really shrewd studies. + +Of the right sort there were but five--and one of these, the editor's +secretary, at heart an honest patriot, but in fact eating the bread of +shame, was perhaps not altogether of the right sort. Still he did get +off his chest at last the pent-up passion of years, and very well he did +it, with the help of Mr. RANDLE AYRTON, whose subtle little touches, +building up a picture of a disheartened hack, were very adroit indeed. + +Then there was young _Henry Craig_, at the beginning an undergraduate in +his last term, at the end a V.C. in his last resting-place. Mr. PERCIVAL +CLARKE'S was an adequate pleasant study. So also was Mr. PHILIP +ANTHONY'S of a Canadian, full of strange idioms, who butted in to just +the wrong corner of Fleet Street to put the editor wise about the +intentions of a Germany in which he had spent his last two years. And +then there was splendidly English _Frank Aylett_, exile returned, +unspoilt by the cynicism of party and paper, whose fortune came to him +just at the psychological moment, enabling him to give his proprietor +notice and fight and win a by-election in the astonied man's own +constituency, besides carrying off his daughter (Miss VIOLA TREE), who +was the fifth of the right sort. What more plausible English hero than +Mr. C. AUBREY SMITH, except that he had to talk a good deal more than +seemed appropriate to his type? There was a well-managed post-election +scene when he was at his best (as was the author). And all through there +was good and sometimes glorious sense for those to hear who had ears. + +The programme promised us about a month's interval between Acts I. and +II. It was actually less than that; but if Mr. J.H. SQUIRE's musicianly +orchestra had not been there to charm us we might conceivably have been +bored. + +T. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LIGHTER SIDE OF EDITORIAL LIFE. + +_Frank Aylett_ . . . . . . . . MR. C. AUBREY SMITH. + +_Anthea Craig_ . . . . . . . . MISS VIOLA TREE.] + + * * * * * + +MORE COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + + "FOR SALE.--A 45 H.P., 6 cyl.--Car, touring body, fitted with every + latest convenience. Exceptionally well sprung. Just purchased by + owner and run under 1,000 miles. Guaranteed over 25-galls. to the + mile by Agents. Rs. 11,000."--_Indian Paper_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DIVERSION" IN THE BALKANS.] + + * * * * * + +HEROES. + +If the question were put to a company of young women, "What is the most +thrilling experience you can have in a London street?" the odds are +a thousand to one that they would reply that nothing could be more +thrilling than to meet a famous actor in plain clothes and identify him. +I am not a young woman myself, but I should be inclined to share their +opinion. There is something about an actor in real life, moving along +like a human being--one of us--that always stirs my pulse. It is +exciting enough to see Mr. LLOYD GEORGE or Mr. ASQUITH or Sir OLIVER +LODGE; but no one stirs the imagination like an actor. + +That is why I still tremble a little whenever I think of my good fortune +the other afternoon in the Haymarket, and why my pen shakes as I +commit the adventure to paper. For I met face to face two of the most +successful actors in London--at the present moment, in the world. + +I was walking up the Haymarket in the rain, hoping, in spite of the new +prohibitive rates, that I might see an empty cab, when I met them coming +down. They were walking with a man whom I did not recognise, and, like +me, were getting wet. One thinks of successful actors as riding always +in taxis; but taxis are very rare nowadays, particularly in the wet, and +somehow it did not seem unnatural that they should be on foot. I am glad +enough that they were, or I should have missed my _frisson_; and others +would have suffered a similar loss, for the recognition was not only on +my part but on that of several passers-by, and it was instantaneous. +Indeed, I heard one lady tell her companion the name of the play they +are in and the extraordinary length of its run, and since she spoke +loudly I thought how delightful it must be to be a theatrical celebrity +and hear cordial things like that as you move about. Neither of them +paid any attention, however, although their friend showed signs that +the flattery had not escaped him; the two Illustrions (to coin a word) +merely walked on, superior to our homage, and disappeared into Charles +Street, where the stage door of His Majesty's is. + +Pouring though it was, and grovelling admirer of footlight favourites as +I am, somehow I never thought to offer either of them my umbrella. But +then one doesn't offer an umbrella to a donkey or a camel, even though +they are two of the stars of _Chu Chin Chow_. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER INJUSTICE. + +From a Sinn Fein speech:-- + + "When Ireland was silent England did not hear her cry + out."--_Wicklow News-Letter_. + + * * * * * + + "WHY SHOULD A RABBIT COST 2s. 3d.? + + "This question from a reader induces me to postpone until next week + my analysis of the high cost of onions."--_Empire News_. + +On the principle that it is better to make sure of the rabbit before +arranging about the stuffing. + + * * * * * + + "Stockholm, Tuesday. + + "News from Finland shows that the Socialist leaders have lost control + of the workmen, and all kinds of excesses are taking place. The + present Commandant at Tornea was a sailor, the head of the + passport office was a tailor, and the chief telegraphic censor a + tinker."--_Central News_. + +We miss the soldier, to say nothing of "apothecary, ploughboy, thief." + + * * * * * + + "Scholars and tragedians between them seem to have appropriated + the right to keep Shakespeare's memory green. But there are other + Richmonds in the field, humble Richmonds, not well read ... John of + Gaunt, crying that his England 'never did nor never shall lie at the + proud foot of a conqueror....'"--_The Times_. + +The writer who thus deprived the _Bastard_ in _King John_ of his famous +lines was, we infer, one of the "other Richmonds." + + * * * * * + +SUGAR. + +AN ELEGIAC ODE. + + Queen of the palate! Universal Sweet! + Gastronomy's delectable Gioconda! + Since with submission loyally I greet + And follow out the regimen of RHONDDA, + I cannot be considered indiscreet + If I essay, but never go beyond, a + Brief elegiac tribute to a sway + By sterner needs now largely swept away. + + Thy candy soothes the infant in its pram; + Thou addest mellowness to old brown sherry; + Thou glorifiest marmalade, on Cam + And Isis making breakfast-tables merry; + Thou lendest magic to the meanest jam + Compounded of the most insipid berry; + And canst convert the sourest crabs and quinces + To jellies fit for epicures and princes. + + Thou charmest unalloyed, in loaf or lumps + Or crystals; brown and moist, or white and pounded; + I never was so deeply in the dumps + That, once thy fount of sweetness I had sounded, + Courage returned not; even with the mumps + I still could view with gratitude unbounded + The navigators of heroic Spain + Who found the New World--and the sugar-cane. + + Sprinkled on buttered bread thou dost excite + In human boys insatiable cravings; + On Turkish (I regret to say) Delight + Thou lurest them to dissipate their savings, + Instead of banking them, or sitting tight, + Or buying useful books and good engravings; + And lastly, mixed with strawberries and cream, + Thou art more than a dish, thou art a dream. + + Before necessity, that knows no ruth, + Ordained thy frugal use in tea and coffee, + Some Stoics banned thee--men who in their youth + Showed an unnatural dislike of toffee; + For sweetness charms the normal human tooth, + Sweetness inspires the singer's tenderest strophe, + Since old LUCRETIUS musically chid + The curse of life--_amari aliquid_. + + _Eau sucree_, I admit, is rather tame + Compared with beer or whisky blent with soda; + But gallant Frenchmen, experts at this game, + Commend it highly either as a _coda_ + Or prelude to their meals, and much the same + Is sherbet, which the Gaekwar of Baroda + And other Oriental satraps quaff + In preference to ale or half-and-half. + + Nor must I fail, O potent saccharin! + Thou chemic offspring of by-products coaly, + Late comer on the culinary scene, + To hail thy aid, although it may be lowly + Even compared with beet; for thou hast been + Employed in sweetening my roly-poly-- + Thou whom I once regarded as a dose + And now the active rival of glucose! + + But still I hear some jaundiced critic say, + Some rigid self-appointed _censor morum_, + "Why harp upon the pleasures of a day + When freely sweetened was each cup and jorum, + Ere stern controllers had begun to stay + The genial outflow of the _fons leporum?_ + Now sugar's scarce, and we must do without it, + Why let regretful fancy play about it?" + + True, yet it greatly goes against the grain, + Unless one has the patience of Ulysses, + Wholly and resolutely to refrain + From dwelling on the memory of past blisses; + Forbidden fruits allure the strong and sane; + Joys loved but lost are what one chiefly misses; + This is my best excuse if I deplore + "So sad, so _sweet_, the days that are no more." + + * * * * * + +'TATERS. + +SCENE: _At "The Plough and Horses_." + +"You seen Parson lately, George?" + +"Not lately I ain't, Luther." + +"Not since 'is 'taters be out o' ground?" + +"No. Finest crop in village, some do say." + +"That be right--sev'ral ton of 'em there be." + +"What to goodness do 'e want 'em all for, then? 'Im an' 's wife an' a +maid 'll never eat all them 'taters." + +"I'll tell you what 'e says to me, for 'appen 'e'll say it to you, +George, when 'e comes acrost you next. 'E says to me, 'I've growed +as many potatoes as I've had strength to grow, an' they've prospered +exceedin'ly,' 'e says, 'thank God! So if any deservin' folk in my parish +gets through wi' their own crop an' wants more later on they 'as only to +come to me, for I've growed more 'an my 'ouse'old 'll eat if they was to +eat all day.'" + +"'E be proud o' that?" + +"Fine an' proud 'e be." + +"An' yet it be some'at unfort'nate too. For all of us as is left in this +'ere parish 'as growed as many 'taters as they'll be like to need, same +as 'e. So I don't see nought but disappointment for Parson an' a lot o' +good 'taters lyin' to rot in their pies." + +"Some there be too fond o' Parson to let that 'appen. Me an' my wife +be sendin' few of ours to London ev'ry week or so. So in due season we +shall be free to go to Parson an' 'elp 'im through wi' 'is, same as 'e +wants us to. I 'ears as others is doin' some'at the same as us--fear is +as too many'll tumble to the idea, which is why I'd 'ave you keep it +fro' goin' further, George." + +"Silent as th' grave I'll be. So you're givin' your 'taters 'way to +please Parson? Yet I do allus say as 'taters what a man grows wi' sweat +of 'is own brow do beat all others in t' eatin'." + +"That may be; but us can't afford to be so mighty pernickerty in time o' +war. Nor we ain't givin' nothin 'way in manner o' speakin'. Fair market +price they gives for 'em in London. So it be somethin' in 'and in these +'ard times as well as savin' Parson from a bitter disappointment what 'e +ain't done nothin' to deserve, so far as I can see." + + * * * * * + + "Two organ grinders, aged 23 and 16, were taken to Charing Cross + Hospital to-day with bad injuries and severe shock, the result of a + barrel organ getting out of control in Rosebery-avenue."--_Evening + Paper_. + +They should try a less dangerous instrument next time. + + * * * * * + + "'Seed potatoes' means potatoes grown in Scotland or Ireland in the + year 1917, or grown in England or Wales in the year 1917 from seed + grown in Scotland or Ireland in the year 1916, which will pass + through a riddle having a 1-5/8-in. mesh, and will not pass through + a riddle having a 1-5/8-in. mesh."--_Journal of the Board of + Agriculture_. + +We ourselves cannot get through any riddle of this kind. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sergeant (instructing squad of volunteers in physical +drill)._ "THIS 'ERE HEXERCISE IS INTENDED TO 'ARDEN THE MUSCLES OF +THE STUMMICK AND MAKE IT HIMPERVIOUS TO GERMAN BULLETS HIN CASE OF +HINVASION."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_(By Mr, Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_ + +It is difficult within the ordinary limits of a review in these columns +to say all that one feels or even to express adequately one's gratitude +after reading the two volumes of Lord MORLEY'S generous and delightful +_Recollections_ (MACMILLAN). I seem to have been sitting with him in a +large and comfortable library while the great Viscount rolled me out his +mind, now breaking out into a glowing eulogy of GEORGE MEREDITH, JOSEPH +CHAMBERLAIN or LESLIE STEPHEN, or again dashing off with a few firm and +skilful strokes a portrait of JOHN MILL or HERBERT SPENCER, or some +other intellectual giant of that nineteenth century which Lord MORLEY +nobly defends and of which he himself was _grande decus columenque_. The +book is crammed with passages that arouse and maintain pleasure in +the reader and clamour for quotation on the part of the reviewer. +"Meredith," we are told, "who did not know Mill in person, once spoke to +me of him, with the confident intuition proper to imaginative genius, as +partaking of the Spinster. Disraeli, when Mill made an early speech in +Parliament, raised his eye-glass and murmured to a neighbour on the +bench, 'Ah, the Finishing Governess.'" Or we are introduced to SPENCER +at MILL'S table: "The host said to him at dessert that Grote, who was +present, would like to hear him explain one or more of his views about +the equilibration of molecules in some relation or other. Spencer, after +an instant of good-natured hesitation, complied with unbroken fluency +for a quarter-of-an-hour or more. Grote followed every word intently, +and in the end expressed himself as well satisfied. Mill, as we moved +off into the drawing-room, declared to me his admiration of a wonderful +piece of lucid exposition. Fawcett, in a whisper, asked me if I +understood a word of it, for he did not. Luckily I had no time to +answer." Or again: "Another contributor [to _The Saturday Review_] +was the important man who became Lord SALISBURY. He and I were alone +together in the editorial anteroom every Tuesday morning, awaiting our +commissions, but he too had a talent for silence, and we exchanged no +words, either now or on any future occasion." How charming a picture +is this of two shy British publicists maintaining towards one another, +against every possible discouragement, an inviolable silence. Not even +the weather could tempt them to break it. Yet the great characteristic +of this book is the large-hearted tolerance of comment and judgment +which makes it emphatically a friendly book. As such I commend it with +all the warmth in my power. + + * * * * * + +For her new story, _Missing_ (COLLINS), Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD has used her +knowledge, already proved elsewhere, of two settings, the English Lakes +and a Base Hospital somewhere in France. Also perhaps her knowledge +of human nature, though I like to think that there are not many elder +sisters so calculatingly callous as _Bridget_. The bother about her +was that she sadly wanted her attractive younger sister to marry a +sufficient establishment, not, I fear, from wholly altruistic motives. +So she was not altogether sorry when the impecunious soldier-husband, +whom _Nelly_ had personally preferred, was reported missing, thus +leaving that to chance once again open. Then, just as her plans seemed +to be prospering, word came secretly to her that there was a man +shattered and with memory lost in a base hospital who might possibly be +the brother-in-law whom she so emphatically didn't want. What happens +upon this you shall find out for yourself. Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD, as you +will notice, has no fear of a dramatic, even melodramatic, situation; +handles it, indeed, with a skill that the most popular might envy. +Thence onwards the story, perhaps a trifle slow in starting, gathers +force. The two visits to the camp at X---- (a very thin disguise for a +place that no Englishman of our time will ever forget) are admirably +vivid; the last chapters especially being as moving as anything that +Mrs. WARD has given us, whether in her popular, profound or propagandist +manner. + + * * * * * + +Lately, Mr. E.F. BENSON seems to have been devoting himself almost +wholly to chronicling the short and simple annals of the middle-aged. +With one exception, all his recent protagonists have been, if not +exactly in the sere and yellow, at least ripely mature. So that such +a title as that of his latest novel, _An Autumn Solving_ (COLLINS), +produced in me rather a feeling of familiar expectancy than of surprise. +Also when the wrapper artist clothes a volume with a picture of an +elderly gentleman obviously giving up an attractive young woman of +perhaps one-third his years it is idle to pretend that the contents +retain all the thrill of the unforeseen. Having said so much, I can let +myself go in praise (as how often before) of those qualities of insight +and gently sub-acid humour that make a BENSON novel an interlude of pure +enjoyment to the "jaded reviewer." In case the indiscreet cover may +happily have been removed before the volume reaches your hands, I do not +propose to give away the plot in any detail. The autumn sowing of course +produces a crop not exactly of wild oats, but of romantic tares that +springs in the hitherto barren heart of one _Keeling_, prosperous +tradesman, husband, father, mayor, public benefactor and baronet, +by reason of the too sympathetic damsel who types his letters and +catalogues his library. That library shows Mr. BENSON'S genius; +without it I should hardly have been able to believe in the subsequent +happenings, but, given this "secret garden," all the tragedy is +explained. I have left myself no space in which to do justice to some +admirable characterization. _Keeling's_ wife is worthy of a place in the +author's long gallery of woolly-witted matrons; while in _Silverdale_ he +has given a study of clerical futility and egotism almost savage in its +detestability, a portrait at which one laughs and shudders together. Of +course the book will have, and deserve, a huge welcome. + + * * * * * + +The union of scholarship and sympathy, enthusiasm and eloquence, is +rare; yet these qualities are to be found in perfect harmony in the +stately volume on the poets' poet which has just been published under +the style, on the cover, _Life of John Keats_, and on the title-page, +_John Keats, His Life and Poetry, His Friends, Critics and After-Fame_ +(MACMILLAN)--a volume upon which Sir SIDNEY COLVIN has been engaged ever +since his retirement from the Print Room of the British Museum, and may +be said to have been preparing to write all his days, ever since, as a +boy, he first opened the "magic casement." A book representing so long +and ardent a devotion, and written by one whose loyalties have always +been so cordially sustained and acknowledged, could not but glow; and it +is its warmth of feeling which, to my mind, peculiarly marks this very +distinguished work. It is more than a life; it is a "companion" to KEATS +so complete and understanding that one can with confidence apply to it +the abused word, "definitive." Critical essays on the poet no doubt will +continue to appear, but this is the last biographical monument likely to +be raised to him. + + * * * * * + +Your enjoyment of _The Head of the Family_ (METHUEN) may in a measure +depend upon your capacity to appreciate _William Linkhorn_ and the glory +of his "great flaming beard." To me, unhappily, _William_ was an uncouth +rustic, just that and very little else; but he possessed some mysterious +attraction for women; so, at any rate, Mrs. HENRY DUDENEY tells +me, though she does not explain to my satisfaction what it was. +_Phoebe-Louisa_ married him partly because she wanted a man to help in +her greengrocery; but what charm he had for her soon waned, and she +smote hard when she caught him philandering with _Beausire Fillery_. It +was all the lady's fault; _William_ had, so to speak, only to wave his +beard and she was at his feet. But if the hirsute feature of this story +leaves me cold it is easy enough to enjoy and admire the rest. The +_Firebraces_, spoken of here as "The Family," are most admirably drawn. +Never has the condescension of county people to those less exalted in +birth been described with more delightful irony. True that some of the +_Firebraces_ kicked over the traces and married whom they listed, but +the family as a whole was rooted deep enough to stand shocks which would +have devastated people of less assured position. The scenes of the story +are laid in and around Lewes, a part of England dear to Mrs. DUDENEY'S +heart, and of which she writes with real comprehension and devotion. + + * * * * * + +By a self-denying ordinance Mr. Punch declines, as a general rule, to +review in these columns the work of his Staff. But he may permit himself +to announce to all lovers of the gay humour of "A.A.M." that Messrs. +HODDER AND STOUGHTON have just brought out a new novel, _Once on a +Time_, by Mr. ALAN A. MILNE, with illustrations by Mr. H. M. BROCK. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CONSOLING THOUGHT. + +_Belated Traveller (surprised by a bull when taking a short cut to the +station)._ "BY JOVE! I BELIEVE I SHALL CATCH THAT TRAIN AFTER ALL."] + + * * * * * + + "Alexander had his 'Plutarch' always under his pillow."--_British + Weekly._ + +This must have been a very early edition. + + * * * * * + + "Colombo is suffering from an attack of rabies and there have been + 38 cases reported so far. In the first six months of the year 1,300 + days were destroyed."--_Singapore Free Press_. + +Let us hope that every day had its dog. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +153, NOV. 28, 1917*** + + +******* This file should be named 11443.txt or 11443.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/4/4/11443 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS,' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's +eBook number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII, +compressed (zipped), HTML and others. + +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks replace the old file and take over +the old filename and etext number. The replaced older file is renamed. +VERSIONS based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving +new filenames and etext numbers. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + +https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + +EBooks posted prior to November 2003, with eBook numbers BELOW #10000, +are filed in directories based on their release date. If you want to +download any of these eBooks directly, rather than using the regular +search system you may utilize the following addresses and just +download by the etext year. + +http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext06 + + (Or /etext 05, 04, 03, 02, 01, 00, 99, + 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90) + +EBooks posted since November 2003, with etext numbers OVER #10000, are +filed in a different way. The year of a release date is no longer part +of the directory path. The path is based on the etext number (which is +identical to the filename). The path to the file is made up of single +digits corresponding to all but the last digit in the filename. For +example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at: + +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/2/3/10234 + +or filename 24689 would be found at: +https://www.gutenberg.org/2/4/6/8/24689 + +An alternative method of locating eBooks: +https://www.gutenberg.org/GUTINDEX.ALL + +*** END: FULL LICENSE *** diff --git a/old/11443.zip b/old/11443.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a8b259f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11443.zip |
