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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11443 ***
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 11443-h.htm or 11443-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/4/11443/11443-h/11443-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/4/11443/11443-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 153
+
+NOVEMBER 28, 1917
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"How the Germans never got wind of it," writes a correspondent of the
+British attack on the HINDENBURG line, "is a mystery." The failure of
+certain M.P.'s to ask questions about it in Parliament beforehand may
+have had something to do with it.
+
+       ***
+
+An order has been promulgated fixing the composition of horse chaff. The
+approach of the pantomime season is thought to be responsible for it.
+
+       ***
+
+"We are particularly anxious," writes the Ministry of Food, "that
+Christmas plum-puddings should not be kept for any length of time." A
+Young Patriots' League has been formed, we understand, whose members are
+bent on carrying out Lord RHONDDA'S wishes at any cost to their parents.
+
+       ***
+
+Another birthplace of ST. GEORGE has been captured in Palestine. It is
+now definitely established that the sainted warrior's habit of trying to
+carry-on in two places at the same time was the subject of much adverse
+criticism by the military experts of the period.
+
+       ***
+
+A Camberley man charged with deserting the Navy and joining the Army
+explained that he was tired of waiting for TIRPITZ to come out. We
+are informed that Commander CARLYON BELLAIRS, M.P., and Admiral W.H.
+HENDERSON have been asked to enlighten the poor fellow as to the true
+state of affairs.
+
+       ***
+
+A skull of the Bronze Age has been found on Salisbury Plain. Several
+hats of the brass age have also been seen in the vicinity.
+
+       ***
+
+Imports of ostrich feathers have fallen from £33,000 in 1915 to £182
+in 1917. Ostrich farmers, it appears, are on the verge of ruin as
+the result of their inability to obtain scissors and other suitable
+foodstuffs for the birds.
+
+       ***
+
+"Measures are being taken to check pacifists," says Sir GEORGE CAVE.
+Prison-yard measures, we hope.
+
+       ***
+
+A Stoke Newington constable has discovered a happy method of taking
+people's minds off their food troubles. During the last month he has
+served fifty of them with dog-summonses.
+
+       ***
+
+Five hundred pounds have been sent to the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER
+by an anonymous donor. It is thought that the man is concealing his
+identity to avoid being made a baronet.
+
+       ***
+
+"What is the use of corporations if they can do nothing useful?" asks
+Councillor STOCK, of Margate. It is an alluring topic, but a patriotic
+Press has decided that it must be postponed in favour of the War.
+
+       ***
+
+During trench-digging on Salisbury Plain the skeleton of a young man,
+apparently buried about the year 600 B.C., was unearthed. The skull was
+partially fractured, evidently by a battle-axe. Foul play is suspected.
+
+       ***
+
+Sugar was sold for half-a-guinea a pound at a charity sale in the
+South of England, and local grocers are complaining bitterly of unfair
+competition.
+
+       ***
+
+A contemporary points out that there is a soldier in the North
+Staffordshire Regiment whose name is DOUGLAS HAIG. Riots are reported in
+Germany.
+
+       ***
+
+"Can Fish Smell?" asks a weekly paper headline. We can only say that in
+our experience they sometimes do, especially on a Monday.
+
+       ***
+
+An employer pleading for an applicant before the Egham Tribunal stated
+that he had an oil-engine which nobody else would go near. We cannot
+help thinking that much might be done with a little tact, such as going
+up to the engine quietly and stroking its face, or even making a noise
+like a piece of oily waste.
+
+       ***
+
+Germany's new Hymn of Hate has been published. To give greater effect to
+the thing and make it more fearful, Germans who contemplate singing it
+are requested to grow side-whiskers.
+
+       ***
+
+It is rumoured that since his recent tirade at York against newspapers
+Dr. LYTTELTON has been made an Honorary Member of the Society of
+Correctors of the Press.
+
+       ***
+
+_The Evening News_ informs us that Mr. HENRY WHITE, a grave-digger of
+Hellingly, has just dug his thousandth grave. Congratulations to our
+contemporary upon being the first to spread the joyful news.
+
+       ***
+
+Unfortunately, says _The Daily Mail_, Lord NORTHCLIFFE cannot be in four
+places at once. Pending a direct contradiction from the new Viscount
+himself, we can only counsel the country to bear this announcement with
+fortitude.
+
+       ***
+
+Only the other day _The Daily Chronicle_ referred to the Premier as "Mr.
+George," just as if it had always been a penny paper.
+
+       ***
+
+The rush to a certain Northern suburb has died down. The rumour that
+there was a polite grocer there turns out to be cruelly at variance with
+the facts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JOY-RIDING UP-TO-DATE.
+
+THE UNDEFEATED WAR-PROFITEER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER SEX-PROBLEM.
+
+    "Plaintiff was the daughter of an officer in the Royal Irish
+    Constabulary, and was a grand-nephew of Dr. Abernethy, the famous
+    surgeon."--_Evening Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a recent novel:--
+
+    "His face was of the good oatmeal type, and grew upon one."
+
+Useful in these days of rations.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+From _The New Statesman's_ comment on Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S Paris speech.
+
+    "He does try to be Biblical sometimes. In the Paris speech he used
+    the unnatural word 'yea' twice. Each time it gave one shudders down
+    the back."
+
+No doubt next time, in view of our obligations to U.S.A., the PRIME
+MINISTER will say "Yep."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE VICTORY.
+
+[_For J.B., with the author's affectionate pride._]
+
+HINDENBURG TO MACKENSEN.
+
+  Dear MAC, in that prodigious thrust
+  In which your valiant legions vie
+  With HANNIBAL'S renown, I trust
+  You go a shade more strong than I;
+  Lately I've lost a lot of scalps,
+  Which is a dem'd unpleasant thing;
+  You may enjoy the Julian Alps--
+  I do not like this JULIAN BYNG.
+
+  I find him full of crafty pranks:
+  Without the usual warning fire
+  He loosed his beastly rows of tanks
+  And sent 'em wallowing through my wire;
+  For days and days he kept the lid
+  Hard down upon his low designs,
+  Then simply walked across and did
+  Just what he liked with all my lines.
+
+  The fellow doesn't keep the rules;
+  Experts (I'm one myself) advise
+  That in trench-warfare even fools
+  Cannot be taken by surprise;
+  It isn't done; and yet he came
+  With never a previous "Are you there?"
+  And caught me--this is not the game--
+  Bending my thoughtful gaze elsewhere.
+
+  _Later_.--My route is toward the rear.
+  Where I shall stand and stop the rot
+  Lord only knows; and now I hear
+  Your forward pace is none too hot;
+  Indeed, with BYNG upon the burst,
+  If at this rate I make for home,
+  I doubt not who will get there first,
+  I to the Rhine, or you to Rome.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LITERARY ADVISER.
+
+No, he does not appear in the _Gazette_. War establishments know him
+not and his appointment throws no additional labour upon the staff of
+Messrs. COX AND CO. Unofficially he is known as O.C. Split Infinitives.
+His duties are to see that the standard of literary excellence, which
+makes the correspondence of the Corps a pleasure to receive, is
+maintained at the high level set by the Corps Commander himself. Indeed
+the velvety quality of our prose is the envy of all other formations.
+
+Apart from duties wholly literary, he is also O.C. Code Names. The
+stock-in-trade for this skilled labour is an H.B. pencil and a Webster
+Dictionary. The routine is simplicity itself. As soon as anybody informs
+him of a new arrival in the area he fishes out the dictionary, plays
+Tit-Tat-Toe with the H.B., writes out the word that it lands upon at the
+end of his rhyme, and, hey presto! there is another day's work done.
+
+But one day, for the sake of greater secrecy, it became necessary to
+rename all the units of the area, and the Literary Adviser suddenly
+found himself put to it to provide about three hundred new Code Names at
+once. Heroically he set to work with his dictionary, his H.B. pencil,
+and his little rhyme. For two days the Resplendent Ones in the General
+Staff Office bore patiently with the muttering madman in the corner.
+For two days he fluttered the leaves of his dictionary and
+whispered hoarsely to himself, "Tit-tat-toe, my-first-go,
+three-jolly-nigger-boys-all-in-a-_row_," picking out word after word
+with unerring accuracy until the dictionary was a waste of punctures and
+three generations of H.B.'s had passed away. Before the second day was
+out the jingle had done its dreadful work. It was as much as the clerks
+could do to avoid keeping step with it. The climax came when the Senior
+Resplendent One, looking down at the telegram he was writing, found to
+his horror that he had written, "Situation quiet Tit-Tat-Toe. Hostile
+artillery activity normal Tit-Tat-Toe," and so on, substituting this
+abomination in place of the official stop, ("Ack-Ack-Ack") throughout.
+
+It was enough. Still gibbering, the Literary Adviser was hurled forth
+from the office and told to work his witchcraft in solitude.
+
+Paler, thinner and older by years he emerged from his retirement
+triumphant, and the new code names went forth to a flourish of trumpets
+or rather of the hooters of the despatch-riders.
+
+Then it began. For days he was subjected to rigorous criticisms of his
+selection. "Signals" tripped him up first by pointing out two units with
+the same name, and they also went on to point out that the word was
+spelt "cable" in the first instance and "cabal" in the second. The
+gunners, working in groups, complained bitterly that a babel had arisen
+through the similarity of the words allotted to their groups. One
+infuriated battery commander said it was as much as he could do to get
+anyone else on the telephone but himself.
+
+Touched to the quick by criticism (when was it ever otherwise amongst
+his kind?) the Adviser set aside his real work (he was, of course,
+writing a book about the War) and applied himself to, the task of
+straightening the tangle. Obviously the ideal combination would be for
+each unit to have a code name that nobody could mistake no matter how
+badly it was pronounced. And to this ideal he applied himself. Often, on
+fine afternoons, the serenity of the country-side was disturbed by the
+voice of one crying in the wilderness, "Soap--Silk--Salvage--Sympathy,"
+to see if any dangerous similarity existed. At dinner a glaze would
+suddenly come over his eyes, his lips would move involuntarily and
+mutter, as he gazed into vacancy, "Mustard--Mutton--Meat--Muffin."
+
+Histrionic effort played no small part in these attempts and
+led to a good deal of misunderstanding, for he felt it incumbent
+on him to try his codes in every possible dialect. Instead of
+the usual cheery "Good morning," a major of a famous Highland
+regiment was scandalised by an elderly subaltern blethering out,
+"Cannibal--Custard--Claymore--Caramel," in an abominable Scotch accent.
+Another day (on receipt of written orders) he was compelled to visit the
+line to see if things had been built as reported, or, if it was just
+optimism again. Half-an-hour later a sentry brought him down the trench
+at the point of the bayonet for muttering as he rounded the traverse,
+"Galoot--Gunning--Grumble--Grumpy," in pseudo-Wessex. Naturally, to
+Native Yorkshire this sounded like pure Bosch.
+
+Ah! but he won through in the end. The man who has stood five years of
+unsuccessful story-writing for magazines is not the kind to let himself
+be beaten easily. There could be no doubt of the final result. When the
+revised list was issued the response to the inquiry, "Hullo, is that
+Sink?" was met by a "No, this is Smack," that crashed through the
+thickest intellect.
+
+But vaulting ambition had o'erleapt itself. As a covering note to the
+new issue he had put up the following letter:--
+
+"Ref. G K etc., etc., of 10th inst. On November 3rd all previous issues
+of Code Names will be cancelled in favour of the more euphonious
+nomenclature which is forwarded herewith."
+
+A shriek of joy echoed through the corps. "Euphonious!" What a word!
+What a discovery in a foreign country! The joy of the signal operators,
+on whom something of the spirit of the old-time bus-drivers has
+descended, was indescribable. You had only to pick up the receiver at
+any time and the still small voices of the busy signal world could be
+heard chortling, "Hullo-oo? Hullo, Euphonious! How's your father?
+Yes, give me Crump." Or, "No, I can't get the General; he's left his
+euphonious receiver off."
+
+Poor Euphonious (he has never been called by anything else since)--they
+have threatened to make him O.C. Recreations for Troops.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BIRDS OF ILL OMEN.
+
+MR. PUNCH. "ONLY GOT HIM IN THE TAIL, SIR."
+
+THE MAN FROM WHITEHALL. "YES, BUT I MEAN TO GET THE NEXT ONE IN THE
+NECK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress_. "I HOPE YOU'RE DOING WHAT YOU CAN TO
+ECONOMISE THE FOOD."
+
+_Cook_. "OH, YES'M. WE'VE PUT THE CAT ON MILK-AN'-WATER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PARS WITH A PUNCH.
+
+ALL THE REAL NEWS ABOUT MEN, WOMEN AND THINGS.
+
+BY OUR RAMBLING GOSSIP.
+
+_(With acknowledgments to some of our contemporaries.)_
+
+_A Long-Felt Want._
+
+
+The opening, next week, of a Training School for Bus and Tube Travellers
+will, it is hoped, supply a long-felt want in the Metropolis. I
+understand that a month's course at the establishment will enable the
+feeblest of mortals to hold his own and more in the fearful mêlée that
+rages daily round train and vehicle. I have a prospectus before me as
+I write; here are some of its sub-heads: "The Strap-Hanger's
+Stranglehold," "Foot Frightfulness," "How to Enter a Bus Secretly," "The
+Umbrella Barrage," "Explosives--When their Use is Justified," "What to
+do when the Conductor Falls off the Bus." This certainly promises a
+speedy amelioration of present-day travelling conditions.
+
+
+_Timbuctoo Tosh_.
+
+Last week, when all those ridiculous rumours anent Timbuctoo were flying
+about, you will remember how I warned you to set no faith in them. You
+will admit that I was a good counsellor. Nothing _has_ happened at
+Timbuctoo. I doubt very much whether anything _could_ happen there.
+
+
+_Hush!_
+
+On the other hand, keep your eye on a spot not a thousand miles away
+from Clubland. Something will certainly happen there some day, and, when
+it does, bear in mind that I warned you.
+
+
+_Amazing Discovery._
+
+Mr. ROOSEVELT'S discovery that, unknown to himself, he has been blind in
+one eye for over a year, is surely surpassed by the experience of Mr.
+Caractacus Crowsfeet, the popular M.P. for Slushington, who has just
+learnt, as the result of a cerebral operation, that he possesses no
+brain whatever. "It is indeed remarkable," said Mr. C. to me the other
+day, "for I can truthfully assert that in all my arduous political
+labours of the past ten years I have never felt the need or even
+noticed the absence of this organ." He coughed modestly. "I have always
+maintained that in politics it is the man, not the mind, that counts."
+
+
+_She Has One!_
+
+Mrs. Zebulon Napthaliski proposes to spend the winter on her Brighton
+estate. "Yes--I _have_ received my sugar card," she told me, in answer
+to my eager query. "More than that I cannot say."
+
+
+_Fare and Foliage._
+
+That charming fashion of decorating the dinner-table with foliage will
+be all the rage this winter. Well-known London hostesses, basket on arm,
+may daily be seen in Mayfair garnering fallen leaves from lawn, path or
+roadside. Some very daring Society women are dispensing altogether with
+a cloth, the table being covered with a complete layer of leaves. I
+doubt, however, whether this will become popular, guests showing a
+tendency to mislay their knives and forks in the foliage.
+
+
+_A Bon Mot._
+
+Have you heard the latest _bon mot_ that is going the round of the
+clubs? Mrs. Savory Beet, of Pacifist fame, has, as you will recall,
+announced her intention of taking up war work. "Ah!" was the comment of
+a cynical bachelor, "it was a case of her taking up something or being
+taken up herself!" His audience simply screamed with laughter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Watch Out!_
+
+Don't be surprised if you hear of some sensational political
+developments in the near future. The Minister who said recently that
+the inevitable sequel to war was peace, was, in the opinion of those
+competent to judge but, by reason of their official position, unable to
+criticise, hinting at proposals which, if the signs and portents of the
+time go for anything, would have far-reaching effects on the question of
+Electoral Representation. I will say no more. Time alone will disclose
+my meaning.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Urchin (with an inborn terror of the Force)._ "Oo,
+MUVVER! IT WON'T, WILL IT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OMINOUS.
+
+    "----went every morning to a firm of sausage-makers by whom he was
+    employed as a horse-dealer."--_Irish Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Rome, Saturday.
+
+    "The announcement is made to-day of the award by the King [of Italy]
+    of gold medals to Lieutenant Giuseppe Castruccio and I sentence him
+    to three months' hard."--_Manchester Evening Chronicle_.
+
+When will British journalists learn not to interfere with the internal
+affairs of friendly nations?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAST MATCH.
+
+  This is the last, the very, very last.
+  Its gay companions, who so snugly lay
+  Within the corners of their fragile home,
+  All, all are lightly fled and surely gone;
+  And their survivor lingers in his pride,
+  The last of all the matches in the house;
+  For Mr. Siftings says he has no more,
+  And Siftings is an honourable man,
+  And would not state a fact that was not so.
+  For now he has himself to do without
+  The flaming boon of matches, having none,
+  And cannot furnish us as he desires,
+  Being a grocer and the best of men,
+  But murmurs vaguely of a future week
+  When matches shall be numerous again
+  As leaves in Vallombrosa and as cheap.
+  Blinks, the tobacconist, he too is spent
+  With weary waiting in a matchless land;
+  What Siftings cannot get cannot be got
+  By men like Blinks, that young tobacconist,
+  Who tried with all a patriot's fiery zeal
+  To join the Army, but was sent away
+  For varicose and too protuberant veins;
+  And being foiled of all his high intent
+  Now minds the shop and is a Volunteer,
+  Drilling on Sundays with the rest of them;
+  He too, amid his hoards of cigarettes,
+  Is void of matches as he's full of veins.
+  So here's a good match in a naughty world,
+  And what to do with it I do not know,
+  Save that somehow, when all the place is still,
+  It shall explode and spurt and flame and burn
+  Slowly away, not having thus achieved
+  The lighting of a pipe or any act
+  Of usefulness, but having spent itself
+  In lonely grandeur as befits the last
+  Of all the varied matches I have known.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR SAMSONS.
+
+    "Wanted at once.--Reliable Man for carrying off motor
+    lorry."--_Clitheroe Advertiser_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To-day the man possesses a second tumb, serviceable for all
+    ordinary purposes."--_Belfast Evening Telegraph_.
+
+In these days of restricted rations it seems a superflous luxury.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Diamond Brooch, 15 cwt., set with three blue white diamonds; make a
+    handsome present; £9 9s."--_Derby Daily Telegraph_.
+
+It seems a lot for the money; but personally we would sooner have the
+same weight of coals.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WAY DOWN.
+
+SYDNEY SMITH, or NAPOLEON or MARCUS AURELIUS (somebody about that time)
+said that after ten days any letter would answer itself. You see what
+he meant. Left to itself your invitation from the Duchess to lunch next
+Tuesday is no longer a matter to worry about by Wednesday morning. You
+were either there or not there; it is unnecessary to write now and say
+that a previous invitation from the PRIME MINISTER--and so on. It was
+NAPOLEON'S idea (or Dr. JOHNSON'S or MARK ANTONY'S--one of that circle)
+that all correspondence can be treated in this manner.
+
+I have followed these early Masters (or whichever one it was) to the
+best of my ability. At any given moment in the last few years there have
+been ten letters that I absolutely _must_ write, thirty which I _ought_
+to write, and fifty which any other person in my position _would_ have
+written. Probably I have written two. After all, when your profession
+is writing, you have some excuse on returning home in the evenings for
+demanding a change of occupation. No doubt if I were a coal-heaver by
+day, my wife would see to the fire after dinner while I wrote letters.
+As it is, she does the correspondence, while I gaze into the fire and
+think about things.
+
+You will say, no doubt, that this was all very well before the War, but
+that in the Army a little writing would be a pleasant change after the
+day's duties. Allow me to disillusion you. If, three years ago, I ever
+conceived a glorious future in which my autograph might be of value to
+the more promiscuous collectors, that conception has now been shattered.
+Three years in the Army has absolutely spoilt the market. Even were
+I revered in the year 2,000 A.D. as SHAKSPEARE is revered now, my
+half-million autographs, scattered so lavishly on charge-sheets, passes,
+chits, requisitions, indents and applications would keep the price at a
+dead level of about ten a penny. No, I have had enough of writing in
+the Army and I never want to sign my own name again. "Yours sincerely,
+HERBERT ASQUITH," "Faithfully yours, J. JELLICOE"--these by all means;
+but not my own.
+
+However, I wrote a letter the other day; it was to the bank. It informed
+them that I had arrived in London for a time and should be troubling
+them again shortly, London being to all appearances an expensive place.
+It also called attention to my new address--a small furnished flat in
+which Celia and I can just turn round if we do it separately. When
+it was written, there came the question of posting it. I was all for
+waiting till the next morning, but Celia explained that there was
+actually a letter-box on our own floor, twenty yards down the passage. I
+took the letter along and dropped it into the slit.
+
+Then a wonderful thing happened. It went
+
+_Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-
+flipperty-flipperty-flipperty--FLOP._
+
+I listened intently, hoping for more ... but that was all. Deeply
+disappointed that it was over, but absolutely thrilled with my
+discovery, I hurried back to Celia.
+
+"Any letters you want posted?" I said in an off-hand way.
+
+"No, thank you," she said.
+
+"Have you written any while we've been here?"
+
+"I don't think I've had anything to write."
+
+"I think," I said reproachfully, "it's quite time you wrote to
+your--your bank or your mother or somebody."
+
+She looked at me and seemed to be struggling for words.
+
+"I know exactly what you're going to say," I said, "but don't say it;
+write a little letter instead."
+
+"Well, as a matter of fact I _must_ just write a note to the laundress."
+
+"To the laundress," I said. "Of course, just a note."
+
+When it was written I insisted on her coming with me to post it. With
+great generosity I allowed her to place it in the slit. A delightful
+thing happened. It went
+
+_Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-
+flipperty-flipperty-flipperty--FLOP._
+
+Right down to the letter-box in the hall. Two flipperties a floor. (A
+simple calculation shows that we are perched on the fifth floor. I am
+glad now that we live so high. It must be very dull to be on the fourth
+floor with only eight flipperties, unbearable to be on the first with
+only two.)
+
+"_O-oh!_ How _fas_-cinating!" said Celia.
+
+"Now don't you think you ought to write to your mother?"
+
+"Oh, I _must_."
+
+She wrote. We posted it. It went
+
+_Flipperty-flipperty_----However, you know all about that now.
+
+Since this great discovery of mine, life has been a more pleasurable
+business. We feel now that there are romantic possibilities about
+letters setting forth on their journey from our floor. To start life
+with so many flipperties might lead to anything. Each time that we send
+a letter off we listen in a tremble of excitement for the final FLOP,
+and when it comes I think we both feel vaguely that we are still
+waiting for something. We are waiting to hear some magic letter go
+_flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty_ ... and behold! there is
+no FLOP ... and still it goes on--_flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-
+flipperty_--growing fainter in the distance ... until it arrives at
+some wonderland of its own. One day it must happen so. For we cannot
+listen always for that FLOP, and hear it always; nothing in this world
+is as inevitable as that. One day we shall look at each other with awe
+in our faces and say, "But it's still flipperting!" and from that time
+forward the Hill of Campden will be a place holy and enchanted. Perhaps
+on Midsummer Eve--
+
+At any rate I am sure that it is the only way in which to post a letter
+to Father Christmas.
+
+Well, what I want to say is this: if I have been a bad correspondent in
+the past I am a good one now; and Celia, who was always a good one, is
+a better one. It takes at least ten letters a day to satisfy us, and we
+prefer to catch ten different posts. With the ten in your hand together
+there is always a temptation to waste them in one wild rush of
+flipperties, all catching each other up. It would be a great moment, but
+I do not think we can afford it yet; we must wait until we get even more
+practised at letter-writing. And even then I am doubtful; for it might
+be that, lost in the confusion of that one wild rush, the magic letter
+would start on its way--_flipperty-flipperty_--to the never-land, and we
+should forever have missed it.
+
+So, friends, acquaintances, yes, and even strangers. I beg you now to
+give me another chance. I will answer your letters, how gladly. I
+still think that NAPOLEON (or CANUTE or the younger PLINY--one of the
+pre-Raphaelites) took a perfectly correct view of his correspondence ...
+but then _he_ Never had a letter-box which went
+
+_Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-
+flipperty-flipperty-flipperty--FLOP._
+
+A.A.M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE H.D. AND Q. DEPARTMENT.
+
+    "Major-General F.G. Bond is gazetted Director of Quartering at the
+    War Office."
+
+Pacifists beware!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "DIRTY WORK AT DOWNING STREET. BY HORATIO BOTTOMLEY."
+
+    _John Bull._
+
+They shouldn't have let him in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Officer._ "WHY WERE YOU NOT AT ROLL-CALL LAST NIGHT?"
+
+_Defaulter._ "WELL, SIR, WITH THIS 'ERE CAMP CAMOUFLAGED SO MUCH, I
+COULDN'T FIND MY WAY OUT OF THE CANTEEN."]
+
+COUNTER TACTICS.
+
+About a year ago I paid a visit to my hosier and haberdasher with
+the intention of purchasing a few things with which to tide over
+the remaining months of winter. After the preliminary discussion of
+atmospherics had been got through, the usual raffle of garments was
+spread about for my inspection. I viewed it dispassionately. Then,
+discarding the little vesties of warm-blooded youth and the double-width
+vestums of rheumatic old age, I chose several commonplace woollen
+affairs and was preparing to leave when my hosier and haberdasher leaned
+across the counter and whispered in my ear.
+
+"If I may advise you, Sir, you would be wise to make a large selection
+of these articles. We do not expect to replace them."
+
+He glanced cautiously at an elderly gentleman who was stirring up a box
+of ties, then, lowering his voice another semitone, added, "The mills
+are now being used exclusively for Government work." He insinuated the
+death-sentence effect very cleverly, and at that moment, coming to his
+support, as it were, the old gentleman tottered up, seized upon two
+garments and carried them off from under my very fingers. As he went out
+a middle-aged lady entered and made straight for the residue upon the
+counter. A feeling of panic came upon me. "Right you are," I exclaimed
+hurriedly, "I'll take the lot." As a matter of fact she only wanted a
+pair of gloves for her nephew in France.
+
+A few days later, still having the wool shortage in mind, I approached
+my hosier and haberdasher on the subject of shirts. For a second or two
+he looked thoughtfully at the toe of his boot. Then coming suddenly to a
+decision he disappeared stealthily into the back premises, from which
+he presently emerged carrying a large bale of flannel, which he cast
+caber-wise upon the counter.
+
+"There," he said triumphantly, "I don't suppose there's another piece of
+flannel like that in the country." He fingered it with an expert touch.
+
+"You don't say so," I said as I rubbed it reverently between my finger
+and thumb, just to show that he wasn't the only one who could do it.
+
+"I'm afraid it's only too true," he confessed, "and I may add that,
+after we have sold out our present stocks, flannel of any kind will be
+absolutely unobtainable."
+
+"None at all?" I asked, horror-struck at the vision of my public life in
+1920--a bow cravat over a double-width vestum.
+
+He shook his head and smiled wisely.
+
+I am instinctively against hoarding, but I knew that if I did not buy it
+Jones would, and then some fine day, when nobody else had a shirt left,
+he would swagger about and make my life intolerable. This decided me and
+I bought the piece.
+
+A few days later it occurred to me that it might be advisable to lay
+down some socks. My idea was in perfect unison with that of my hosier
+and haberdasher. Socks were going to be unprocurable in a few months. I
+patted myself on the back and bought up the 1916 vintage of Llama-Llama
+footwear. The following week thirty-seven shirts arrived and I had to
+buy a new chest-of-drawers.
+
+This, as I have stated before, was about a year ago. Yesterday I paid my
+hosier and haberdasher another visit. If all the bone factories had not
+been too exclusively engaged, etc., etc., I wished to buy a collar stud.
+There was an elderly man standing in the shop. He was quite alone,
+contemplating a mountain of garments. There were little vesties,
+double-width vestums, and ordinary woollen affairs.
+
+You could have knocked me over with a dress-sock.
+
+And where was my hosier and haberdasher? Had the stranger--just awakened
+to the value of his possessions--entered the shop and suddenly cast all
+this treasure upon the counter? I imagined the shock of this procedure
+on a man like my hosier and haberdasher, whose heart was perhaps a
+trifle woolly. Had he collapsed? I glanced surreptitiously behind a
+parapet of clocked socks.
+
+A moment later, from somewhere in the back premises, he appeared
+carrying a large bale of flannel, which he cast caber-wise upon the
+counter. I was dumbfounded.
+
+Then I knew the truth.
+
+"Sir," I said, turning to the stranger, "I believe you are about to make
+a selection from these articles (I indicated them individually), which
+you imagine to be the last of their race?"
+
+He nodded at me in a bewildered sort of way.
+
+"In a few months," I continued remorselessly, "they will be absolutely
+unprocurable" (he gave a start of recognition), "and you, having bought
+them, will sneak through life with the feelings of a food-hoarder,
+mingled with those of the man who slew the last Camberwell Beauty.
+I know the state of mind. But you need not distress yourself. These
+garments (I indicated them again) will only be unprocurable because they
+are in your possession. I have about half-a-ton myself, which, until a
+few minutes age, would have been quite unprocurable. But I have changed
+my mind and, if you will come with me, you can take your choice with
+a clear conscience, and (I glanced maliciously at my faded hosier and
+haberdasher) at the prices which were prevalent a year ago."
+
+I linked my arm with that of the stranger, and together we passed out of
+the shop into the unpolluted light of day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mother (to child who has been naughty)._ "AREN'T YOU
+RATHER ASHAMED OF YOURSELF?"
+
+_Child._ "WELL, MOTHER, I WASN'T. BUT NOW THAT YOU'VE SUGGESTED IT I
+AM."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRETENDING.
+
+  I know a magic woodland with grassy rides that ring
+  To strange fantastic music and whirr of elfin wing,
+  There all the oaks and beeches, moss-mantled to the knees,
+  Are really fairy princes pretending to be trees.
+
+  I know a magic moorland with wild winds drifting by,
+  And pools among the peat-hags that mirror back the sky;
+  And there in golden bracken the fronds that toss and turn
+  Are really little people pretending to be fern.
+
+  I wander in the woodland, I walk the magic moor;
+  Sometimes I meet with fairies, sometimes I'm not so sure;
+  And oft I pause and wonder among the green and gold
+  If I am not a child again--pretending to be old.
+
+W.H.O.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is understood that the FOOD-CONTROLLER has protested against the
+forcible feeding of hunger-strikers. If they want to commit the Yappy
+Dispatch, why shouldn't they?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ST. GEORGE OUT-DRAGONS THE DRAGON. [With Mr. Punch's
+jubilant compliments to Sir DOUGLAS HAIG and his Tanks.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, November 19th._--Such a rush of Peers to the House of Commons
+has seldom been seen. Lord WIMBORNE, who knows something of congested
+districts, arrived early and secured the coveted seat over the clock.
+Lord CURZON, holding a watching brief for the War Cabinet, was only just
+in time to secure a place; and Lord COURTNEY and several others found
+"standing room only." If we have many more crises Sir ALFRED MOND will
+have to make provision for strap-hangers.
+
+There was very little sign of passion in Mr. ASQUITH'S measured
+criticism of the Allied Council and of the PRIME MINISTER'S speech on
+the subject in Paris. His foil was carefully buttoned, and though it
+administered a shrewd thrust now and again it was not intended to draw
+blood.
+
+At first the PRIME MINISTER followed this excellent example, and
+contented himself with defending, and incidentally re-composing, his
+Paris oration. The Allied Council, as now depicted, was a horse of
+quite another colour from what it seemed in Paris. A further example of
+_camouflage_, I suppose.
+
+Only when he came to deal with his Press critics did he let himself go,
+to the delight of the House, which loves him in his swashbuckling mood.
+As he confessed, however, that he had deliberately made "a disagreeable
+speech" in Paris in order to get it talked about, the Press will
+probably consider itself absolved.
+
+_Tuesday, November 20th._--Like John Bull, as represented in last week's
+cartoon, Lord LAMINGTON has arrived at the conclusion that compulsory
+rationing must come, and the sooner the better. Lord RHONDDA, however,
+is still hopeful that John will tighten his own belt, and save him the
+trouble. "More Yapping and Less Biting" should be our motto. But if we
+fail to live up to it, the machinery for compulsory rationing is all
+ready. Indeed, according to Lord DEVONPORT, it has been ready since
+April last, when an "S.O.S." to the local authorities was on the point
+of being sent, but a timely increase in imports stopped it.
+
+Nobody doubts Commander WEDGWOOD'S essential patriotism; he has proved
+it like a knight of old on his body; but he is unfortunate in some of
+his political associates, who take advantage of his good-nature. A book
+with a preface by himself had been seized by the police on suspicion of
+being seditious, and he loudly demanded to be prosecuted. But Sir GEORGE
+CAVE was not inclined to set up a legal presumption that the writer of a
+preface is responsible for the rest of the book. If he were, a good many
+"forewords" would, I imagine, never have been written.
+
+_Wednesday, November 21st._--By a strange oversight the Royal Marines
+were not specifically mentioned in the recent Vote of Thanks to the
+Services. Apparently the fact that this country is proud of them is one
+of those things that must not be told to the Marines. But Dr. MACNAMARA
+assured the House that the omission should now be repaired.
+
+[Illustration: "His foil was carefully buttoned."
+
+MR. ASQUITH.]
+
+There has been a shortage of provisions in the city where _Lady Godiva_
+suffered from a shortage of clothes. Mr. CLYNES was prompt with a
+remedy. A representative of the FOOD-CONTROLLER has already been sent to
+Coventry.
+
+Conscientious Objectors found a doughty champion in Lord HUGH CECIL.
+Rarely has an unpopular case been fortified with a greater wealth of
+legal, historical and ethical argument. Only once, when he accused Mr.
+BONAR LAW of holding the same doctrine as Herr BETHMANN-HOLLWEG, did he
+lose, for a moment, the sympathy of his audience. But he soon recovered
+himself, and thereafter held the House rapt with Cecilian harmonies.
+
+To such a lofty plane, indeed, had the debate been lifted that Mr.
+RONALD MCNEILL, tall as he is, had some difficulty in bringing it down
+to earth again; and when the division was called the spell was still
+working, and in a very big House the "Conchies" only lost their votes by
+thirty-eight.
+
+_Thursday, November 22nd._--Pending the introduction of the promised
+censorship of Parliamentary Questions, Mr. JOSEPH KING is working
+overtime. No story is too fantastically impossible to find a shelter
+under his hospitable hat. To-day it was a secret treaty between the
+Russian Government (old style) and the French Republic, by which Belgium
+was to be compensated at the expense of Holland. Lord ROBERT CECIL
+denounced it as an invention of the enemy. But I don't suppose the
+denial had the smallest effect upon Mr. KING, who probably went off and
+dined heartily on a magnum of mare's-nest soup.
+
+A tremendous accession to the ranks of the Sinn Feiners has been
+narrowly averted. When Members read the menu which, according to Major
+NEWMAN, the Irish Government has adopted for political prisoners--three
+good square meals a day, including an egg, ten ounces of meat, a pound
+and a half of bread, two pints and a half of milk, and real butter--they
+were strongly minded to enlist under Mr. DE VALERA'S banner and get
+themselves arrested forthwith. But Mr. DUKE'S emphatic denial shattered
+their dream of repletion at the taxpayers' expense.
+
+A final attempt to get proportional representation included in the
+Franchise Bill was heavily defeated. In a dashing attempt to save it Sir
+MARK SYKES declared that the old Eatanswill methods of electioneering
+had gone for ever--"no mouth was large enough to kiss thirty thousand
+babies." But the majority of the House seemed to be more impressed by
+the self-sacrificing argument of that eminent temperance advocate, Sir
+THOMAS WHITTAKER, who feared that "P.R." would lead to an increase in
+"milk-and-water politicians."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALWAYS SOMETHING NEW FROM AFRICA.
+
+    "A Belgian East African communiqué says that before the converging
+    advance of the Anglo-German Belgian columns, the enemy retired to
+    the south bank of the Kilimbero."--_Mombasa Times._
+
+We seem to have met some of these Anglo-German columns in the Pacifist
+Press.
+
+    "Our machines then bombed the General, in which the
+    German Head-quarters at Constantinople are reported to be
+    situated."--_Times._
+
+The General must have been stout, even for a German.
+
+    "Not having regained consciousness the police are left with little
+    tangible evidence to work upon."--_Daily Telegraph._
+
+Let us hope they will soon come to.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HOW TO UTILISE OUR SKILLED CRAFTSMEN.
+
+_First Lieutenant._ "WHAT WAS THIS MAN BEFORE HE JOINED?"
+
+_Petty Officer._ "OPTICIAN, SIR."
+
+_First Lieutenant._ "WHAT HAD WE BETTER GIVE HIM TO DO?"
+
+_Petty Officer._ "THERE'S THEM PRISMATIC SPOTTING GLASSES, SIR. THE
+LEATHER STRAP IS BROKEN OFF THEM. HE COULD SPLICE IN A PIECE O' COD
+LINE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_LE POILU DE CARCASSONNE._
+
+  THE _poilus_ of France on the Western Front are brave as brave can be,
+  Whether they hail from rich Provence or from ruined Picardie;
+  It's the self-same heart from the lazy Loire and the busy banks of Seine,
+  Undaunted by perpetual mud or cold or gas or pain;
+  And all are as gay as men know how whose wealth and friends are gone,
+  But the gayest of all is a little white dog that came from Carcassonne.
+
+  He was brought as a pup by a _Midi_ man to a sector along the Aisne,
+  But his man laid the wire one pitch-black night and never came back again.
+  The pup stood by with one ear down and the other a question mark,
+  And at times he licked his dead friend's face and at times he tried to bark,
+  Till the listening sentry heard the sound, and when the daylight shone
+  He looked abroad and cried, "_Bon Guieu! C'est le poilu de Carcassonne!_"
+
+  So the dead man's _copains_ kept the dog on the strength of the company.
+  And whoever went short it was not the pup, though a greedy pup was he;
+  They gave him their choicest bits of _sinje_ and drops of _pinard_ too;
+  He was warm and safe when he crept beneath a cloak of horizon-blue;
+  They clipped fresh _brisques_ in his rough white coat as the weary months
+  dragged on,
+  And all the sector knows him now as _le Poilu de Carcassonne_.
+
+  And in return he keeps their hearts from that haunting foe, _l'ennui_;
+  He's their plaything, friend, and sentry too, and a lover of devilry;
+  He helps them to hunt out rats or Boches; he burrows and sniffs for mines,
+  And he growls when the murderous shrapnel flies screaming above the lines;
+  His little black nose is a-quiver with glee whenever a raid is on,
+  And they say with pride, "_C'est la guerre elle-même, notre Poilu de
+  Carcassonne!_"
+
+  There was none more glad when they went to rest in their billet, a
+  ruined shack,
+  But when they returned to the front-line trench he was just as pleased
+  to be back;
+  He's the spirit of fun itself, and so when other men feel blue,
+  His friends remark, "_Le cafard, quoi? On l'connait pas chez nous!_"
+  So when you drink to the valiant French and the glorious fights they've won
+  Just raise your glass to a little white dog that came from Carcassonne.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"LOYALTY."
+
+If you are a pernickety intellectual (_soi-disant_) you may really
+permit yourself to be faintly amused at the fiery zeal of the
+mystery-wrapt author of _Loyalty_ for his (or, quite possibly, her)
+country's cause in this difficult hour. If you are cast in the common
+human mould that nowadays is seen for the glorious thing it is, you will
+respond to many single-minded, wholesome thoughts in the impassioned
+statement of his thesis. And if you happen to belong to that simple
+discredited breed, the English, so long overshadowed by the nimbler
+Britons, you may have quite a nice little private thrill of your own,
+a thrill of pride in your precious stone, and begin to think with
+seriousness of the advantages of "home rule all round" in an
+England-for-the-English mood, and of the value of a nationalism that is
+as irrational as conjugal or mother love--and as fine.
+
+The author's hero is an Englishman of the wandering type, assistant
+editor on a crank paper. The play is a protracted debate in four
+sessions, June, 1914; July, 1914; August, 1914; September, 1916. And
+here the author makes his most serious mistake, the mistake made by Mr.
+HENRY ARTHUR JONES in his recent squib. If he had contrived his Little
+Navy folk, the proprietor, editor and revolving cranks as something
+more than mere caricatures, brands of straw prepared for his consuming
+bonfires, he would have strengthened, not weakened, his excellent case.
+He has quoted his enemies' mistakes without their excuses, their texts
+without their contexts. And that is a form of propaganda which can only
+touch the converted, or such of them as are not stirred by a sporting
+instinct to a certain mood of protest and a wish that the other fellow
+should be given a better start in the heresy hunt.
+
+The _dramatis personae_, then, divide themselves into the men of straw
+and the right sort. Of the former you have first _Sir Andrew Craig_,
+chairman of the party in his constituency and editor of _The New
+Standard_ (there were indeed altogether new standards of efficiency,
+mentality and hospitality in that rather imaginative newspaper office of
+the First Act). Mr. FISHER WHITE gave us the courtly-obstinate old man
+to the life (this player has a way of removing straw). In the dramatic
+passage in which, returning after being broken in a German prison, he
+relates some of the horrors of which it is good for us to be reminded,
+he rose to the height of his fine talent. His exquisite elocution--a
+remarkable feat of virtuosity--was in itself a sheer delight.
+
+_Mr. Stutchbury_, the editor, pacifist and sentimental democrat, was
+dealt to Mr. LENNOX PAWLE. He played his hand well. There was never such
+an editor outside Bedlam; but Mr. PAWLE is a resourceful person and by a
+score of clever tricks of gesture and business made a reasonable figure
+of fun for our obloquy. All but broken in the end, but still claiming
+that he had "the larger vision" (as he certainly had the larger
+diameter), there was a certain dignity of pathos in his exit, a late
+_amende_ by an otherwise remorseless puppet-maker. Mr. SYDNEY PAXTON
+as a pillar of Nonconformity offered a clever study in the
+unctuous-grotesque; Mr. VINCENT STERNROYD sketched a portrait of a
+nut-consuming impenitent disarmamentist. The author is the first, so far
+as I know, to give public emphasis to the queer fact of natural
+history that there is some connection between extreme opinions and the
+prominence of the Adam's apple of the holder of them--a fact on which I
+have often pondered.
+
+Mr. M. MORAND, the aggressive Scots member of the election committee,
+inspired to great heights of insobriety by the return of his
+London-Scottish nephew from the Front, sounded a welcome human note, as
+did Mr. SAM LIVESEY, the Labour Member of the committee, shaken out of
+his detachment into an extreme explicitness of language by a Zeppelin
+raid experience. Mr. GEORGE BELLAMY'S Welsh Disestablisher and Mr.
+GRIFFITH HUMPHREYS' exuberant German press-agent of the pre-war period
+were both really shrewd studies.
+
+Of the right sort there were but five--and one of these, the editor's
+secretary, at heart an honest patriot, but in fact eating the bread of
+shame, was perhaps not altogether of the right sort. Still he did get
+off his chest at last the pent-up passion of years, and very well he did
+it, with the help of Mr. RANDLE AYRTON, whose subtle little touches,
+building up a picture of a disheartened hack, were very adroit indeed.
+
+Then there was young _Henry Craig_, at the beginning an undergraduate in
+his last term, at the end a V.C. in his last resting-place. Mr. PERCIVAL
+CLARKE'S was an adequate pleasant study. So also was Mr. PHILIP
+ANTHONY'S of a Canadian, full of strange idioms, who butted in to just
+the wrong corner of Fleet Street to put the editor wise about the
+intentions of a Germany in which he had spent his last two years. And
+then there was splendidly English _Frank Aylett_, exile returned,
+unspoilt by the cynicism of party and paper, whose fortune came to him
+just at the psychological moment, enabling him to give his proprietor
+notice and fight and win a by-election in the astonied man's own
+constituency, besides carrying off his daughter (Miss VIOLA TREE), who
+was the fifth of the right sort. What more plausible English hero than
+Mr. C. AUBREY SMITH, except that he had to talk a good deal more than
+seemed appropriate to his type? There was a well-managed post-election
+scene when he was at his best (as was the author). And all through there
+was good and sometimes glorious sense for those to hear who had ears.
+
+The programme promised us about a month's interval between Acts I. and
+II. It was actually less than that; but if Mr. J.H. SQUIRE's musicianly
+orchestra had not been there to charm us we might conceivably have been
+bored.
+
+T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LIGHTER SIDE OF EDITORIAL LIFE.
+
+_Frank Aylett_ . . . . . . . . MR. C. AUBREY SMITH.
+
+_Anthea Craig_ . . . . . . . . MISS VIOLA TREE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.
+
+    "FOR SALE.--A 45 H.P., 6 cyl.--Car, touring body, fitted with every
+    latest convenience. Exceptionally well sprung. Just purchased by
+    owner and run under 1,000 miles. Guaranteed over 25-galls. to the
+    mile by Agents. Rs. 11,000."--_Indian Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "DIVERSION" IN THE BALKANS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEROES.
+
+If the question were put to a company of young women, "What is the most
+thrilling experience you can have in a London street?" the odds are
+a thousand to one that they would reply that nothing could be more
+thrilling than to meet a famous actor in plain clothes and identify him.
+I am not a young woman myself, but I should be inclined to share their
+opinion. There is something about an actor in real life, moving along
+like a human being--one of us--that always stirs my pulse. It is
+exciting enough to see Mr. LLOYD GEORGE or Mr. ASQUITH or Sir OLIVER
+LODGE; but no one stirs the imagination like an actor.
+
+That is why I still tremble a little whenever I think of my good fortune
+the other afternoon in the Haymarket, and why my pen shakes as I
+commit the adventure to paper. For I met face to face two of the most
+successful actors in London--at the present moment, in the world.
+
+I was walking up the Haymarket in the rain, hoping, in spite of the new
+prohibitive rates, that I might see an empty cab, when I met them coming
+down. They were walking with a man whom I did not recognise, and, like
+me, were getting wet. One thinks of successful actors as riding always
+in taxis; but taxis are very rare nowadays, particularly in the wet, and
+somehow it did not seem unnatural that they should be on foot. I am glad
+enough that they were, or I should have missed my _frisson_; and others
+would have suffered a similar loss, for the recognition was not only on
+my part but on that of several passers-by, and it was instantaneous.
+Indeed, I heard one lady tell her companion the name of the play they
+are in and the extraordinary length of its run, and since she spoke
+loudly I thought how delightful it must be to be a theatrical celebrity
+and hear cordial things like that as you move about. Neither of them
+paid any attention, however, although their friend showed signs that
+the flattery had not escaped him; the two Illustrions (to coin a word)
+merely walked on, superior to our homage, and disappeared into Charles
+Street, where the stage door of His Majesty's is.
+
+Pouring though it was, and grovelling admirer of footlight favourites as
+I am, somehow I never thought to offer either of them my umbrella. But
+then one doesn't offer an umbrella to a donkey or a camel, even though
+they are two of the stars of _Chu Chin Chow_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER INJUSTICE.
+
+From a Sinn Fein speech:--
+
+    "When Ireland was silent England did not hear her cry
+    out."--_Wicklow News-Letter_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WHY SHOULD A RABBIT COST 2s. 3d.?
+
+    "This question from a reader induces me to postpone until next week
+    my analysis of the high cost of onions."--_Empire News_.
+
+On the principle that it is better to make sure of the rabbit before
+arranging about the stuffing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Stockholm, Tuesday.
+
+    "News from Finland shows that the Socialist leaders have lost control
+    of the workmen, and all kinds of excesses are taking place. The
+    present Commandant at Tornea was a sailor, the head of the
+    passport office was a tailor, and the chief telegraphic censor a
+    tinker."--_Central News_.
+
+We miss the soldier, to say nothing of "apothecary, ploughboy, thief."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Scholars and tragedians between them seem to have appropriated
+    the right to keep Shakespeare's memory green. But there are other
+    Richmonds in the field, humble Richmonds, not well read ... John of
+    Gaunt, crying that his England 'never did nor never shall lie at the
+    proud foot of a conqueror....'"--_The Times_.
+
+The writer who thus deprived the _Bastard_ in _King John_ of his famous
+lines was, we infer, one of the "other Richmonds."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGAR.
+
+AN ELEGIAC ODE.
+
+  Queen of the palate! Universal Sweet!
+  Gastronomy's delectable Gioconda!
+  Since with submission loyally I greet
+  And follow out the regimen of RHONDDA,
+  I cannot be considered indiscreet
+  If I essay, but never go beyond, a
+  Brief elegiac tribute to a sway
+  By sterner needs now largely swept away.
+
+  Thy candy soothes the infant in its pram;
+  Thou addest mellowness to old brown sherry;
+  Thou glorifiest marmalade, on Cam
+  And Isis making breakfast-tables merry;
+  Thou lendest magic to the meanest jam
+  Compounded of the most insipid berry;
+  And canst convert the sourest crabs and quinces
+  To jellies fit for epicures and princes.
+
+  Thou charmest unalloyed, in loaf or lumps
+  Or crystals; brown and moist, or white and pounded;
+  I never was so deeply in the dumps
+  That, once thy fount of sweetness I had sounded,
+  Courage returned not; even with the mumps
+  I still could view with gratitude unbounded
+  The navigators of heroic Spain
+  Who found the New World--and the sugar-cane.
+
+  Sprinkled on buttered bread thou dost excite
+  In human boys insatiable cravings;
+  On Turkish (I regret to say) Delight
+  Thou lurest them to dissipate their savings,
+  Instead of banking them, or sitting tight,
+  Or buying useful books and good engravings;
+  And lastly, mixed with strawberries and cream,
+  Thou art more than a dish, thou art a dream.
+
+  Before necessity, that knows no ruth,
+  Ordained thy frugal use in tea and coffee,
+  Some Stoics banned thee--men who in their youth
+  Showed an unnatural dislike of toffee;
+  For sweetness charms the normal human tooth,
+  Sweetness inspires the singer's tenderest strophe,
+  Since old LUCRETIUS musically chid
+  The curse of life--_amari aliquid_.
+
+  _Eau sucrée_, I admit, is rather tame
+  Compared with beer or whisky blent with soda;
+  But gallant Frenchmen, experts at this game,
+  Commend it highly either as a _coda_
+  Or prelude to their meals, and much the same
+  Is sherbet, which the Gaekwar of Baroda
+  And other Oriental satraps quaff
+  In preference to ale or half-and-half.
+
+  Nor must I fail, O potent saccharin!
+  Thou chemic offspring of by-products coaly,
+  Late comer on the culinary scene,
+  To hail thy aid, although it may be lowly
+  Even compared with beet; for thou hast been
+  Employed in sweetening my roly-poly--
+  Thou whom I once regarded as a dose
+  And now the active rival of glucose!
+
+  But still I hear some jaundiced critic say,
+  Some rigid self-appointed _censor morum_,
+  "Why harp upon the pleasures of a day
+  When freely sweetened was each cup and jorum,
+  Ere stern controllers had begun to stay
+  The genial outflow of the _fons leporum?_
+  Now sugar's scarce, and we must do without it,
+  Why let regretful fancy play about it?"
+
+  True, yet it greatly goes against the grain,
+  Unless one has the patience of Ulysses,
+  Wholly and resolutely to refrain
+  From dwelling on the memory of past blisses;
+  Forbidden fruits allure the strong and sane;
+  Joys loved but lost are what one chiefly misses;
+  This is my best excuse if I deplore
+  "So sad, so _sweet_, the days that are no more."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'TATERS.
+
+SCENE: _At "The Plough and Horses_."
+
+"You seen Parson lately, George?"
+
+"Not lately I ain't, Luther."
+
+"Not since 'is 'taters be out o' ground?"
+
+"No. Finest crop in village, some do say."
+
+"That be right--sev'ral ton of 'em there be."
+
+"What to goodness do 'e want 'em all for, then? 'Im an' 's wife an' a
+maid 'll never eat all them 'taters."
+
+"I'll tell you what 'e says to me, for 'appen 'e'll say it to you,
+George, when 'e comes acrost you next. 'E says to me, 'I've growed
+as many potatoes as I've had strength to grow, an' they've prospered
+exceedin'ly,' 'e says, 'thank God! So if any deservin' folk in my parish
+gets through wi' their own crop an' wants more later on they 'as only to
+come to me, for I've growed more 'an my 'ouse'old 'll eat if they was to
+eat all day.'"
+
+"'E be proud o' that?"
+
+"Fine an' proud 'e be."
+
+"An' yet it be some'at unfort'nate too. For all of us as is left in this
+'ere parish 'as growed as many 'taters as they'll be like to need, same
+as 'e. So I don't see nought but disappointment for Parson an' a lot o'
+good 'taters lyin' to rot in their pies."
+
+"Some there be too fond o' Parson to let that 'appen. Me an' my wife
+be sendin' few of ours to London ev'ry week or so. So in due season we
+shall be free to go to Parson an' 'elp 'im through wi' 'is, same as 'e
+wants us to. I 'ears as others is doin' some'at the same as us--fear is
+as too many'll tumble to the idea, which is why I'd 'ave you keep it
+fro' goin' further, George."
+
+"Silent as th' grave I'll be. So you're givin' your 'taters 'way to
+please Parson? Yet I do allus say as 'taters what a man grows wi' sweat
+of 'is own brow do beat all others in t' eatin'."
+
+"That may be; but us can't afford to be so mighty pernickerty in time o'
+war. Nor we ain't givin' nothin 'way in manner o' speakin'. Fair market
+price they gives for 'em in London. So it be somethin' in 'and in these
+'ard times as well as savin' Parson from a bitter disappointment what 'e
+ain't done nothin' to deserve, so far as I can see."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Two organ grinders, aged 23 and 16, were taken to Charing Cross
+    Hospital to-day with bad injuries and severe shock, the result of a
+    barrel organ getting out of control in Rosebery-avenue."--_Evening
+    Paper_.
+
+They should try a less dangerous instrument next time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'Seed potatoes' means potatoes grown in Scotland or Ireland in the
+    year 1917, or grown in England or Wales in the year 1917 from seed
+    grown in Scotland or Ireland in the year 1916, which will pass
+    through a riddle having a 1-5/8-in. mesh, and will not pass through
+    a riddle having a 1-5/8-in. mesh."--_Journal of the Board of
+    Agriculture_.
+
+We ourselves cannot get through any riddle of this kind.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sergeant (instructing squad of volunteers in physical
+drill)._ "THIS 'ERE HEXERCISE IS INTENDED TO 'ARDEN THE MUSCLES OF
+THE STUMMICK AND MAKE IT HIMPERVIOUS TO GERMAN BULLETS HIN CASE OF
+HINVASION."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_(By Mr, Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_
+
+It is difficult within the ordinary limits of a review in these columns
+to say all that one feels or even to express adequately one's gratitude
+after reading the two volumes of Lord MORLEY'S generous and delightful
+_Recollections_ (MACMILLAN). I seem to have been sitting with him in a
+large and comfortable library while the great Viscount rolled me out his
+mind, now breaking out into a glowing eulogy of GEORGE MEREDITH, JOSEPH
+CHAMBERLAIN or LESLIE STEPHEN, or again dashing off with a few firm and
+skilful strokes a portrait of JOHN MILL or HERBERT SPENCER, or some
+other intellectual giant of that nineteenth century which Lord MORLEY
+nobly defends and of which he himself was _grande decus columenque_. The
+book is crammed with passages that arouse and maintain pleasure in
+the reader and clamour for quotation on the part of the reviewer.
+"Meredith," we are told, "who did not know Mill in person, once spoke to
+me of him, with the confident intuition proper to imaginative genius, as
+partaking of the Spinster. Disraeli, when Mill made an early speech in
+Parliament, raised his eye-glass and murmured to a neighbour on the
+bench, 'Ah, the Finishing Governess.'" Or we are introduced to SPENCER
+at MILL'S table: "The host said to him at dessert that Grote, who was
+present, would like to hear him explain one or more of his views about
+the equilibration of molecules in some relation or other. Spencer, after
+an instant of good-natured hesitation, complied with unbroken fluency
+for a quarter-of-an-hour or more. Grote followed every word intently,
+and in the end expressed himself as well satisfied. Mill, as we moved
+off into the drawing-room, declared to me his admiration of a wonderful
+piece of lucid exposition. Fawcett, in a whisper, asked me if I
+understood a word of it, for he did not. Luckily I had no time to
+answer." Or again: "Another contributor [to _The Saturday Review_]
+was the important man who became Lord SALISBURY. He and I were alone
+together in the editorial anteroom every Tuesday morning, awaiting our
+commissions, but he too had a talent for silence, and we exchanged no
+words, either now or on any future occasion." How charming a picture
+is this of two shy British publicists maintaining towards one another,
+against every possible discouragement, an inviolable silence. Not even
+the weather could tempt them to break it. Yet the great characteristic
+of this book is the large-hearted tolerance of comment and judgment
+which makes it emphatically a friendly book. As such I commend it with
+all the warmth in my power.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For her new story, _Missing_ (COLLINS), Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD has used her
+knowledge, already proved elsewhere, of two settings, the English Lakes
+and a Base Hospital somewhere in France. Also perhaps her knowledge
+of human nature, though I like to think that there are not many elder
+sisters so calculatingly callous as _Bridget_. The bother about her
+was that she sadly wanted her attractive younger sister to marry a
+sufficient establishment, not, I fear, from wholly altruistic motives.
+So she was not altogether sorry when the impecunious soldier-husband,
+whom _Nelly_ had personally preferred, was reported missing, thus
+leaving that to chance once again open. Then, just as her plans seemed
+to be prospering, word came secretly to her that there was a man
+shattered and with memory lost in a base hospital who might possibly be
+the brother-in-law whom she so emphatically didn't want. What happens
+upon this you shall find out for yourself. Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD, as you
+will notice, has no fear of a dramatic, even melodramatic, situation;
+handles it, indeed, with a skill that the most popular might envy.
+Thence onwards the story, perhaps a trifle slow in starting, gathers
+force. The two visits to the camp at X---- (a very thin disguise for a
+place that no Englishman of our time will ever forget) are admirably
+vivid; the last chapters especially being as moving as anything that
+Mrs. WARD has given us, whether in her popular, profound or propagandist
+manner.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Lately, Mr. E.F. BENSON seems to have been devoting himself almost
+wholly to chronicling the short and simple annals of the middle-aged.
+With one exception, all his recent protagonists have been, if not
+exactly in the sere and yellow, at least ripely mature. So that such
+a title as that of his latest novel, _An Autumn Solving_ (COLLINS),
+produced in me rather a feeling of familiar expectancy than of surprise.
+Also when the wrapper artist clothes a volume with a picture of an
+elderly gentleman obviously giving up an attractive young woman of
+perhaps one-third his years it is idle to pretend that the contents
+retain all the thrill of the unforeseen. Having said so much, I can let
+myself go in praise (as how often before) of those qualities of insight
+and gently sub-acid humour that make a BENSON novel an interlude of pure
+enjoyment to the "jaded reviewer." In case the indiscreet cover may
+happily have been removed before the volume reaches your hands, I do not
+propose to give away the plot in any detail. The autumn sowing of course
+produces a crop not exactly of wild oats, but of romantic tares that
+springs in the hitherto barren heart of one _Keeling_, prosperous
+tradesman, husband, father, mayor, public benefactor and baronet,
+by reason of the too sympathetic damsel who types his letters and
+catalogues his library. That library shows Mr. BENSON'S genius;
+without it I should hardly have been able to believe in the subsequent
+happenings, but, given this "secret garden," all the tragedy is
+explained. I have left myself no space in which to do justice to some
+admirable characterization. _Keeling's_ wife is worthy of a place in the
+author's long gallery of woolly-witted matrons; while in _Silverdale_ he
+has given a study of clerical futility and egotism almost savage in its
+detestability, a portrait at which one laughs and shudders together. Of
+course the book will have, and deserve, a huge welcome.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The union of scholarship and sympathy, enthusiasm and eloquence, is
+rare; yet these qualities are to be found in perfect harmony in the
+stately volume on the poets' poet which has just been published under
+the style, on the cover, _Life of John Keats_, and on the title-page,
+_John Keats, His Life and Poetry, His Friends, Critics and After-Fame_
+(MACMILLAN)--a volume upon which Sir SIDNEY COLVIN has been engaged ever
+since his retirement from the Print Room of the British Museum, and may
+be said to have been preparing to write all his days, ever since, as a
+boy, he first opened the "magic casement." A book representing so long
+and ardent a devotion, and written by one whose loyalties have always
+been so cordially sustained and acknowledged, could not but glow; and it
+is its warmth of feeling which, to my mind, peculiarly marks this very
+distinguished work. It is more than a life; it is a "companion" to KEATS
+so complete and understanding that one can with confidence apply to it
+the abused word, "definitive." Critical essays on the poet no doubt will
+continue to appear, but this is the last biographical monument likely to
+be raised to him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Your enjoyment of _The Head of the Family_ (METHUEN) may in a measure
+depend upon your capacity to appreciate _William Linkhorn_ and the glory
+of his "great flaming beard." To me, unhappily, _William_ was an uncouth
+rustic, just that and very little else; but he possessed some mysterious
+attraction for women; so, at any rate, Mrs. HENRY DUDENEY tells
+me, though she does not explain to my satisfaction what it was.
+_Phoebe-Louisa_ married him partly because she wanted a man to help in
+her greengrocery; but what charm he had for her soon waned, and she
+smote hard when she caught him philandering with _Beausire Fillery_. It
+was all the lady's fault; _William_ had, so to speak, only to wave his
+beard and she was at his feet. But if the hirsute feature of this story
+leaves me cold it is easy enough to enjoy and admire the rest. The
+_Firebraces_, spoken of here as "The Family," are most admirably drawn.
+Never has the condescension of county people to those less exalted in
+birth been described with more delightful irony. True that some of the
+_Firebraces_ kicked over the traces and married whom they listed, but
+the family as a whole was rooted deep enough to stand shocks which would
+have devastated people of less assured position. The scenes of the story
+are laid in and around Lewes, a part of England dear to Mrs. DUDENEY'S
+heart, and of which she writes with real comprehension and devotion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+By a self-denying ordinance Mr. Punch declines, as a general rule, to
+review in these columns the work of his Staff. But he may permit himself
+to announce to all lovers of the gay humour of "A.A.M." that Messrs.
+HODDER AND STOUGHTON have just brought out a new novel, _Once on a
+Time_, by Mr. ALAN A. MILNE, with illustrations by Mr. H. M. BROCK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CONSOLING THOUGHT.
+
+_Belated Traveller (surprised by a bull when taking a short cut to the
+station)._ "BY JOVE! I BELIEVE I SHALL CATCH THAT TRAIN AFTER ALL."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Alexander had his 'Plutarch' always under his pillow."--_British
+    Weekly._
+
+This must have been a very early edition.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Colombo is suffering from an attack of rabies and there have been
+    38 cases reported so far. In the first six months of the year 1,300
+    days were destroyed."--_Singapore Free Press_.
+
+Let us hope that every day had its dog.
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11443 ***
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+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11443 ***</div>
+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153,
+Nov. 28, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen</h1>
+<br />
+<br />
+<center><b>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Andy Jewell,<br />
+           and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</b></center>
+<br />
+<br />
+<hr class="full" />
+<br />
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+<h2>Vol. 153.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>November 28, 1917.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page359" id="page359"></a>[pg
+359]</span>
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+<p>"How the Germans never got wind of it," writes a correspondent
+of the British attack on the HINDENBURG line, "is a mystery." The
+failure of certain M.P.'s to ask questions about it in Parliament
+beforehand may have had something to do with it.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An order has been promulgated fixing the composition of horse
+chaff. The approach of the pantomime season is thought to be
+responsible for it.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"We are particularly anxious," writes the Ministry of Food,
+"that Christmas plum-puddings should not be kept for any length of
+time." A Young Patriots' League has been formed, we understand,
+whose members are bent on carrying out Lord RHONDDA'S wishes at any
+cost to their parents.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Another birthplace of ST. GEORGE has been captured in Palestine.
+It is now definitely established that the sainted warrior's habit
+of trying to carry-on in two places at the same time was the
+subject of much adverse criticism by the military experts of the
+period.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Camberley man charged with deserting the Navy and joining the
+Army explained that he was tired of waiting for TIRPITZ to come
+out. We are informed that Commander CARLYON BELLAIRS, M.P., and
+Admiral W.H. HENDERSON have been asked to enlighten the poor fellow
+as to the true state of affairs.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A skull of the Bronze Age has been found on Salisbury Plain.
+Several hats of the brass age have also been seen in the
+vicinity.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Imports of ostrich feathers have fallen from &pound;33,000 in
+1915 to &pound;182 in 1917. Ostrich farmers, it appears, are on the
+verge of ruin as the result of their inability to obtain scissors
+and other suitable foodstuffs for the birds.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Measures are being taken to check pacifists," says Sir GEORGE
+CAVE. Prison-yard measures, we hope.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Stoke Newington constable has discovered a happy method of
+taking people's minds off their food troubles. During the last
+month he has served fifty of them with dog-summonses.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Five hundred pounds have been sent to the CHANCELLOR OF THE
+EXCHEQUER by an anonymous donor. It is thought that the man is
+concealing his identity to avoid being made a baronet.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What is the use of corporations if they can do nothing useful?"
+asks Councillor STOCK, of Margate. It is an alluring topic, but a
+patriotic Press has decided that it must be postponed in favour of
+the War.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>During trench-digging on Salisbury Plain the skeleton of a young
+man, apparently buried about the year 600 B.C., was unearthed. The
+skull was partially fractured, evidently by a battle-axe. Foul play
+is suspected.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Sugar was sold for half-a-guinea a pound at a charity sale in
+the South of England, and local grocers are complaining bitterly of
+unfair competition.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A contemporary points out that there is a soldier in the North
+Staffordshire Regiment whose name is DOUGLAS HAIG. Riots are
+reported in Germany.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Can Fish Smell?" asks a weekly paper headline. We can only say
+that in our experience they sometimes do, especially on a
+Monday.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An employer pleading for an applicant before the Egham Tribunal
+stated that he had an oil-engine which nobody else would go near.
+We cannot help thinking that much might be done with a little tact,
+such as going up to the engine quietly and stroking its face, or
+even making a noise like a piece of oily waste.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Germany's new Hymn of Hate has been published. To give greater
+effect to the thing and make it more fearful, Germans who
+contemplate singing it are requested to grow side-whiskers.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It is rumoured that since his recent tirade at York against
+newspapers Dr. LYTTELTON has been made an Honorary Member of the
+Society of Correctors of the Press.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>The Evening News</i> informs us that Mr. HENRY WHITE, a
+grave-digger of Hellingly, has just dug his thousandth grave.
+Congratulations to our contemporary upon being the first to spread
+the joyful news.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Unfortunately, says <i>The Daily Mail</i>, Lord NORTHCLIFFE
+cannot be in four places at once. Pending a direct contradiction
+from the new Viscount himself, we can only counsel the country to
+bear this announcement with fortitude.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Only the other day <i>The Daily Chronicle</i> referred to the
+Premier as "Mr. George," just as if it had always been a penny
+paper.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The rush to a certain Northern suburb has died down. The rumour
+that there was a polite grocer there turns out to be cruelly at
+variance with the facts.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href=
+"images/359.png"><img width="100%" src="images/359.png" alt=
+"" /></a>JOY-RIDING UP-TO-DATE.<br />
+THE UNDEFEATED WAR-PROFITEER.</div>
+<hr />
+<h4>Another Sex-Problem.</h4>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Plaintiff was the daughter of an officer in the Royal Irish
+Constabulary, and was a grand-nephew of Dr. Abernethy, the famous
+surgeon."&mdash;<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<p>From a recent novel:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"His face was of the good oatmeal type, and grew upon one."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Useful in these days of rations.</p>
+<hr />
+From <i>The New Statesman's</i> comment on Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S Paris
+speech.<br />
+<br />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"He does try to be Biblical sometimes. In the Paris speech he
+used the unnatural word 'yea' twice. Each time it gave one shudders
+down the back."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>No doubt next time, in view of our obligations to U.S.A., the
+PRIME MINISTER will say "Yep."</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page360" id="page360"></a>[pg
+360]</span>
+<h2>THE VICTORY.</h2>
+<p class="center">[<i>For J.B., with the author's affectionate
+pride.</i>]</p>
+<p class="center">HINDENBURG TO MACKENSEN.</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Dear MAC, in that prodigious thrust</p>
+<p class="i4">In which your valiant legions vie</p>
+<p class="i2">With HANNIBAL'S renown, I trust</p>
+<p class="i4">You go a shade more strong than I;</p>
+<p class="i2">Lately I've lost a lot of scalps,</p>
+<p class="i4">Which is a dem'd unpleasant thing;</p>
+<p class="i2">You may enjoy the Julian Alps&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">I do not like this JULIAN BYNG.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">I find him full of crafty pranks:</p>
+<p class="i4">Without the usual warning fire</p>
+<p class="i2">He loosed his beastly rows of tanks</p>
+<p class="i4">And sent 'em wallowing through my wire;</p>
+<p class="i2">For days and days he kept the lid</p>
+<p class="i4">Hard down upon his low designs,</p>
+<p class="i2">Then simply walked across and did</p>
+<p class="i4">Just what he liked with all my lines.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">The fellow doesn't keep the rules;</p>
+<p class="i4">Experts (I'm one myself) advise</p>
+<p class="i2">That in trench-warfare even fools</p>
+<p class="i4">Cannot be taken by surprise;</p>
+<p class="i2">It isn't done; and yet he came</p>
+<p class="i4">With never a previous "Are you there?"</p>
+<p class="i2">And caught me&mdash;this is not the game&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">Bending my thoughtful gaze elsewhere.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2"><i>Later</i>.&mdash;My route is toward the rear.</p>
+<p class="i4">Where I shall stand and stop the rot</p>
+<p class="i2">Lord only knows; and now I hear</p>
+<p class="i4">Your forward pace is none too hot;</p>
+<p class="i2">Indeed, with BYNG upon the burst,</p>
+<p class="i4">If at this rate I make for home,</p>
+<p class="i2">I doubt not who will get there first,</p>
+<p class="i4">I to the Rhine, or you to Rome.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p class="center">O.S.</p>
+<hr />
+<h2>THE LITERARY ADVISER.</h2>
+<p>No, he does not appear in the <i>Gazette</i>. War establishments
+know him not and his appointment throws no additional labour upon
+the staff of Messrs. COX AND CO. Unofficially he is known as O.C.
+Split Infinitives. His duties are to see that the standard of
+literary excellence, which makes the correspondence of the Corps a
+pleasure to receive, is maintained at the high level set by the
+Corps Commander himself. Indeed the velvety quality of our prose is
+the envy of all other formations.</p>
+<p>Apart from duties wholly literary, he is also O.C. Code Names.
+The stock-in-trade for this skilled labour is an H.B. pencil and a
+Webster Dictionary. The routine is simplicity itself. As soon as
+anybody informs him of a new arrival in the area he fishes out the
+dictionary, plays Tit-Tat-Toe with the H.B., writes out the word
+that it lands upon at the end of his rhyme, and, hey presto! there
+is another day's work done.</p>
+<p>But one day, for the sake of greater secrecy, it became
+necessary to rename all the units of the area, and the Literary
+Adviser suddenly found himself put to it to provide about three
+hundred new Code Names at once. Heroically he set to work with his
+dictionary, his H.B. pencil, and his little rhyme. For two days the
+Resplendent Ones in the General Staff Office bore patiently with
+the muttering madman in the corner. For two days he fluttered the
+leaves of his dictionary and whispered hoarsely to himself,
+"Tit-tat-toe, my-first-go,
+three-jolly-nigger-boys-all-in-a-<i>row</i>," picking out word
+after word with unerring accuracy until the dictionary was a waste
+of punctures and three generations of H.B.'s had passed away.
+Before the second day was out the jingle had done its dreadful
+work. It was as much as the clerks could do to avoid keeping step
+with it. The climax came when the Senior Resplendent One, looking
+down at the telegram he was writing, found to his horror that he
+had written, "Situation quiet Tit-Tat-Toe. Hostile artillery
+activity normal Tit-Tat-Toe," and so on, substituting this
+abomination in place of the official stop, ("Ack-Ack-Ack")
+throughout.</p>
+<p>It was enough. Still gibbering, the Literary Adviser was hurled
+forth from the office and told to work his witchcraft in
+solitude.</p>
+<p>Paler, thinner and older by years he emerged from his retirement
+triumphant, and the new code names went forth to a flourish of
+trumpets or rather of the hooters of the despatch-riders.</p>
+<p>Then it began. For days he was subjected to rigorous criticisms
+of his selection. "Signals" tripped him up first by pointing out
+two units with the same name, and they also went on to point out
+that the word was spelt "cable" in the first instance and "cabal"
+in the second. The gunners, working in groups, complained bitterly
+that a babel had arisen through the similarity of the words
+allotted to their groups. One infuriated battery commander said it
+was as much as he could do to get anyone else on the telephone but
+himself.</p>
+<p>Touched to the quick by criticism (when was it ever otherwise
+amongst his kind?) the Adviser set aside his real work (he was, of
+course, writing a book about the War) and applied himself to, the
+task of straightening the tangle. Obviously the ideal combination
+would be for each unit to have a code name that nobody could
+mistake no matter how badly it was pronounced. And to this ideal he
+applied himself. Often, on fine afternoons, the serenity of the
+country-side was disturbed by the voice of one crying in the
+wilderness, "Soap&mdash;Silk&mdash;Salvage&mdash;Sympathy," to see
+if any dangerous similarity existed. At dinner a glaze would
+suddenly come over his eyes, his lips would move involuntarily and
+mutter, as he gazed into vacancy,
+"Mustard&mdash;Mutton&mdash;Meat&mdash;Muffin."</p>
+<p>Histrionic effort played no small part in these attempts and led
+to a good deal of misunderstanding, for he felt it incumbent on him
+to try his codes in every possible dialect. Instead of the usual
+cheery "Good morning," a major of a famous Highland regiment was
+scandalised by an elderly subaltern blethering out,
+"Cannibal&mdash;Custard&mdash;Claymore&mdash;Caramel," in an
+abominable Scotch accent. Another day (on receipt of written
+orders) he was compelled to visit the line to see if things had
+been built as reported, or, if it was just optimism again.
+Half-an-hour later a sentry brought him down the trench at the
+point of the bayonet for muttering as he rounded the traverse,
+"Galoot&mdash;Gunning&mdash;Grumble&mdash;Grumpy," in
+pseudo-Wessex. Naturally, to Native Yorkshire this sounded like
+pure Bosch.</p>
+<p>Ah! but he won through in the end. The man who has stood five
+years of unsuccessful story-writing for magazines is not the kind
+to let himself be beaten easily. There could be no doubt of the
+final result. When the revised list was issued the response to the
+inquiry, "Hullo, is that Sink?" was met by a "No, this is Smack,"
+that crashed through the thickest intellect.</p>
+<p>But vaulting ambition had o'erleapt itself. As a covering note
+to the new issue he had put up the following letter:&mdash;</p>
+<p>"Ref. G K etc., etc., of 10th inst. On November 3rd all previous
+issues of Code Names will be cancelled in favour of the more
+euphonious nomenclature which is forwarded herewith."</p>
+<p>A shriek of joy echoed through the corps. "Euphonious!" What a
+word! What a discovery in a foreign country! The joy of the signal
+operators, on whom something of the spirit of the old-time
+bus-drivers has descended, was indescribable. You had only to pick
+up the receiver at any time and the still small voices of the busy
+signal world could be heard chortling, "Hullo-oo? Hullo,
+Euphonious! How's your father? Yes, give me Crump." Or, "No, I
+can't get the General; he's left his euphonious receiver off."</p>
+<p>Poor Euphonious (he has never been called by anything else
+since)&mdash;they have threatened to make him O.C. Recreations for
+Troops.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page361" id="page361"></a>[pg
+361]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/361.png"><img width="100%" src="images/361.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>BIRDS OF ILL OMEN.</h3>
+<p>MR. PUNCH. "ONLY GOT HIM IN THE TAIL, SIR."</p>
+<p>THE MAN FROM WHITEHALL. "YES, BUT I MEAN TO GET THE NEXT ONE IN
+THE NECK."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page362" id="page362"></a>[pg
+362]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/362.png"><img width="100%" src="images/362.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Mistress</i>. "I HOPE YOU'RE DOING WHAT YOU CAN TO ECONOMISE
+THE FOOD."</p>
+<p><i>Cook</i>. "OH, YES'M. WE'VE PUT THE CAT ON
+MILK-AN'-WATER."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>PARS WITH A PUNCH.</h3>
+<p class="center">ALL THE REAL NEWS ABOUT MEN, WOMEN AND
+THINGS.<br />
+BY OUR RAMBLING GOSSIP.<br />
+<br />
+<i>(With acknowledgments to some of our contemporaries.)</i></p>
+<p><i>A Long-Felt Want.</i></p>
+<p>The opening, next week, of a Training School for Bus and Tube
+Travellers will, it is hoped, supply a long-felt want in the
+Metropolis. I understand that a month's course at the establishment
+will enable the feeblest of mortals to hold his own and more in the
+fearful m&ecirc;l&eacute;e that rages daily round train and
+vehicle. I have a prospectus before me as I write; here are some of
+its sub-heads: "The Strap-Hanger's Stranglehold," "Foot
+Frightfulness," "How to Enter a Bus Secretly," "The Umbrella
+Barrage," "Explosives&mdash;When their Use is Justified," "What to
+do when the Conductor Falls off the Bus." This certainly promises a
+speedy amelioration of present-day travelling conditions.</p>
+<p><i>Timbuctoo Tosh</i>.</p>
+<p>Last week, when all those ridiculous rumours anent Timbuctoo
+were flying about, you will remember how I warned you to set no
+faith in them. You will admit that I was a good counsellor. Nothing
+<i>has</i> happened at Timbuctoo. I doubt very much whether
+anything <i>could</i> happen there.</p>
+<p><i>Hush!</i></p>
+<p>On the other hand, keep your eye on a spot not a thousand miles
+away from Clubland. Something will certainly happen there some day,
+and, when it does, bear in mind that I warned you.</p>
+<p><i>Amazing Discovery.</i></p>
+<p>Mr. ROOSEVELT'S discovery that, unknown to himself, he has been
+blind in one eye for over a year, is surely surpassed by the
+experience of Mr. Caractacus Crowsfeet, the popular M.P. for
+Slushington, who has just learnt, as the result of a cerebral
+operation, that he possesses no brain whatever. "It is indeed
+remarkable," said Mr. C. to me the other day, "for I can truthfully
+assert that in all my arduous political labours of the past ten
+years I have never felt the need or even noticed the absence of
+this organ." He coughed modestly. "I have always maintained that in
+politics it is the man, not the mind, that counts."</p>
+<p><i>She Has One!</i></p>
+<p>Mrs. Zebulon Napthaliski proposes to spend the winter on her
+Brighton estate. "Yes&mdash;I <i>have</i> received my sugar card,"
+she told me, in answer to my eager query. "More than that I cannot
+say."</p>
+<p><i>Fare and Foliage.</i></p>
+<p>That charming fashion of decorating the dinner-table with
+foliage will be all the rage this winter. Well-known London
+hostesses, basket on arm, may daily be seen in Mayfair garnering
+fallen leaves from lawn, path or roadside. Some very daring Society
+women are dispensing altogether with a cloth, the table being
+covered with a complete layer of leaves. I doubt, however, whether
+this will become popular, guests showing a tendency to mislay their
+knives and forks in the foliage.</p>
+<p><i>A Bon Mot.</i></p>
+<p>Have you heard the latest <i>bon mot</i> that is going the round
+of the clubs? Mrs. Savory Beet, of Pacifist fame, has, as you will
+recall, announced her intention of taking up war work. "Ah!" was
+the comment of a cynical bachelor, "it was a case of her taking up
+something or being <span class="pagenum"><a name="page363" id=
+"page363"></a>[pg 363]</span> taken up herself!" His audience
+simply screamed with laughter.</p>
+<hr />
+<p><i>Watch Out!</i></p>
+<p>Don't be surprised if you hear of some sensational political
+developments in the near future. The Minister who said recently
+that the inevitable sequel to war was peace, was, in the opinion of
+those competent to judge but, by reason of their official position,
+unable to criticise, hinting at proposals which, if the signs and
+portents of the time go for anything, would have far-reaching
+effects on the question of Electoral Representation. I will say no
+more. Time alone will disclose my meaning.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/363.png"><img width="100%" src="images/363.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Urchin (with an inborn terror of the Force). "OO, MUVVER!
+IT WON'T, WILL IT?"</i></p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h4>OMINOUS.</h4>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"&mdash;&mdash;went every morning to a firm of sausage-makers by
+whom he was employed as a horse-dealer."&mdash;<i>Irish
+Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p class="author">"Rome, Saturday.</p>
+<p>"The announcement is made to-day of the award by the King [of
+Italy] of gold medals to Lieutenant Giuseppe Castruccio and I
+sentence him to three months' hard."&mdash;<i>Manchester Evening
+Chronicle</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>When will British journalists learn not to interfere with the
+internal affairs of friendly nations?</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE LAST MATCH.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">This is the last, the very, very last.</p>
+<p class="i2">Its gay companions, who so snugly lay</p>
+<p class="i2">Within the corners of their fragile home,</p>
+<p class="i2">All, all are lightly fled and surely gone;</p>
+<p class="i2">And their survivor lingers in his pride,</p>
+<p class="i2">The last of all the matches in the house;</p>
+<p class="i2">For Mr. Siftings says he has no more,</p>
+<p class="i2">And Siftings is an honourable man,</p>
+<p class="i2">And would not state a fact that was not so.</p>
+<p class="i2">For now he has himself to do without</p>
+<p class="i2">The flaming boon of matches, having none,</p>
+<p class="i2">And cannot furnish us as he desires,</p>
+<p class="i2">Being a grocer and the best of men,</p>
+<p class="i2">But murmurs vaguely of a future week</p>
+<p class="i2">When matches shall be numerous again</p>
+<p class="i2">As leaves in Vallombrosa and as cheap.</p>
+<p class="i2">Blinks, the tobacconist, he too is spent</p>
+<p class="i2">With weary waiting in a matchless land;</p>
+<p class="i2">What Siftings cannot get cannot be got</p>
+<p class="i2">By men like Blinks, that young tobacconist,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who tried with all a patriot's fiery zeal</p>
+<p class="i2">To join the Army, but was sent away</p>
+<p class="i2">For varicose and too protuberant veins;</p>
+<p class="i2">And being foiled of all his high intent</p>
+<p class="i2">Now minds the shop and is a Volunteer,</p>
+<p class="i2">Drilling on Sundays with the rest of them;</p>
+<p class="i2">He too, amid his hoards of cigarettes,</p>
+<p class="i2">Is void of matches as he's full of veins.</p>
+<p class="i2">So here's a good match in a naughty world,</p>
+<p class="i2">And what to do with it I do not know,</p>
+<p class="i2">Save that somehow, when all the place is still,</p>
+<p class="i2">It shall explode and spurt and flame and burn</p>
+<p class="i2">Slowly away, not having thus achieved</p>
+<p class="i2">The lighting of a pipe or any act</p>
+<p class="i2">Of usefulness, but having spent itself</p>
+<p class="i2">In lonely grandeur as befits the last</p>
+<p class="i2">Of all the varied matches I have known.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h4>OUR SAMSONS.</h4>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Wanted at once.&mdash;Reliable Man for carrying off motor
+lorry."&mdash;<i>Clitheroe Advertiser</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"To-day the man possesses a second tumb, serviceable for all
+ordinary purposes."&mdash;<i>Belfast Evening Telegraph</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>In these days of restricted rations it seems a superflous
+luxury.</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Diamond Brooch, 15 cwt., set with three blue white diamonds;
+make a handsome present; &pound;9 9<i>s</i>."&mdash;<i>Derby Daily
+Telegraph</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>It seems a lot for the money; but personally we would sooner
+have the same weight of coals.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page364" id="page364"></a>[pg
+364]</span>
+<h2>THE WAY DOWN.</h2>
+<p>SYDNEY SMITH, or NAPOLEON or MARCUS AURELIUS (somebody about
+that time) said that after ten days any letter would answer itself.
+You see what he meant. Left to itself your invitation from the
+Duchess to lunch next Tuesday is no longer a matter to worry about
+by Wednesday morning. You were either there or not there; it is
+unnecessary to write now and say that a previous invitation from
+the PRIME MINISTER&mdash;and so on. It was NAPOLEON'S idea (or Dr.
+JOHNSON'S or MARK ANTONY'S&mdash;one of that circle) that all
+correspondence can be treated in this manner.</p>
+<p>I have followed these early Masters (or whichever one it was) to
+the best of my ability. At any given moment in the last few years
+there have been ten letters that I absolutely <i>must</i> write,
+thirty which I <i>ought</i> to write, and fifty which any other
+person in my position <i>would</i> have written. Probably I have
+written two. After all, when your profession is writing, you have
+some excuse on returning home in the evenings for demanding a
+change of occupation. No doubt if I were a coal-heaver by day, my
+wife would see to the fire after dinner while I wrote letters. As
+it is, she does the correspondence, while I gaze into the fire and
+think about things.</p>
+<p>You will say, no doubt, that this was all very well before the
+War, but that in the Army a little writing would be a pleasant
+change after the day's duties. Allow me to disillusion you. If,
+three years ago, I ever conceived a glorious future in which my
+autograph might be of value to the more promiscuous collectors,
+that conception has now been shattered. Three years in the Army has
+absolutely spoilt the market. Even were I revered in the year 2,000
+A.D. as SHAKSPEARE is revered now, my half-million autographs,
+scattered so lavishly on charge-sheets, passes, chits,
+requisitions, indents and applications would keep the price at a
+dead level of about ten a penny. No, I have had enough of writing
+in the Army and I never want to sign my own name again. "Yours
+sincerely, HERBERT ASQUITH," "Faithfully yours, J.
+JELLICOE"&mdash;these by all means; but not my own.</p>
+<p>However, I wrote a letter the other day; it was to the bank. It
+informed them that I had arrived in London for a time and should be
+troubling them again shortly, London being to all appearances an
+expensive place. It also called attention to my new address&mdash;a
+small furnished flat in which Celia and I can just turn round if we
+do it separately. When it was written, there came the question of
+posting it. I was all for waiting till the next morning, but Celia
+explained that there was actually a letter-box on our own floor,
+twenty yards down the passage. I took the letter along and dropped
+it into the slit.</p>
+<p>Then a wonderful thing happened. It went</p>
+<p>
+<i>Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty&mdash;FLOP.</i></p>
+<p>I listened intently, hoping for more ... but that was all.
+Deeply disappointed that it was over, but absolutely thrilled with
+my discovery, I hurried back to Celia.</p>
+<p>"Any letters you want posted?" I said in an off-hand way.</p>
+<p>"No, thank you," she said.</p>
+<p>"Have you written any while we've been here?"</p>
+<p>"I don't think I've had anything to write."</p>
+<p>"I think," I said reproachfully, "it's quite time you wrote to
+your&mdash;your bank or your mother or somebody."</p>
+<p>She looked at me and seemed to be struggling for words.</p>
+<p>"I know exactly what you're going to say," I said, "but don't
+say it; write a little letter instead."</p>
+<p>"Well, as a matter of fact I <i>must</i> just write a note to
+the laundress."</p>
+<p>"To the laundress," I said. "Of course, just a note."</p>
+<p>When it was written I insisted on her coming with me to post it.
+With great generosity I allowed her to place it in the slit. A
+delightful thing happened. It went</p>
+<p><i>
+Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-
+flipperty-flipperty-flipperty&mdash;FLOP.</i></p>
+<p>Right down to the letter-box in the hall. Two flipperties a
+floor. (A simple calculation shows that we are perched on the fifth
+floor. I am glad now that we live so high. It must be very dull to
+be on the fourth floor with only eight flipperties, unbearable to
+be on the first with only two.)</p>
+<p>"<i>O-oh!</i> How <i>fas</i>-cinating!" said Celia.</p>
+<p>"Now don't you think you ought to write to your mother?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, I <i>must</i>."</p>
+<p>She wrote. We posted it. It went</p>
+<p><i>Flipperty-flipperty</i>&mdash;&mdash;However, you know all
+about that now.</p>
+<p>Since this great discovery of mine, life has been a more
+pleasurable business. We feel now that there are romantic
+possibilities about letters setting forth on their journey from our
+floor. To start life with so many flipperties might lead to
+anything. Each time that we send a letter off we listen in a
+tremble of excitement for the final FLOP, and when it comes I think
+we both feel vaguely that we are still waiting for something. We
+are waiting to hear some magic letter go
+<i>flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty</i> ... and behold!
+there is no FLOP ... and still it goes
+on&mdash;<i>flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty</i>&mdash;growing
+fainter in the distance ... until it arrives at some wonderland of
+its own. One day it must happen so. For we cannot listen always for
+that FLOP, and hear it always; nothing in this world is as
+inevitable as that. One day we shall look at each other with awe in
+our faces and say, "But it's still flipperting!" and from that time
+forward the Hill of Campden will be a place holy and enchanted.
+Perhaps on Midsummer Eve&mdash;</p>
+<p>At any rate I am sure that it is the only way in which to post a
+letter to Father Christmas.</p>
+<p>Well, what I want to say is this: if I have been a bad
+correspondent in the past I am a good one now; and Celia, who was
+always a good one, is a better one. It takes at least ten letters a
+day to satisfy us, and we prefer to catch ten different posts. With
+the ten in your hand together there is always a temptation to waste
+them in one wild rush of flipperties, all catching each other up.
+It would be a great moment, but I do not think we can afford it
+yet; we must wait until we get even more practised at
+letter-writing. And even then I am doubtful; for it might be that,
+lost in the confusion of that one wild rush, the magic letter would
+start on its way&mdash;<i>flipperty-flipperty</i>&mdash;to the
+never-land, and we should forever have missed it.</p>
+<p>So, friends, acquaintances, yes, and even strangers. I beg you
+now to give me another chance. I will answer your letters, how
+gladly. I still think that NAPOLEON (or CANUTE or the younger
+PLINY&mdash;one of the pre-Raphaelites) took a perfectly correct
+view of his correspondence ... but then <i>he</i> Never had a
+letter-box which went</p>
+<p>
+<i>Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty&mdash;FLOP.</i></p>
+<p class="author">A.A.M.</p>
+<hr />
+<h4>The H.D. and Q. Department.</h4>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Major-General F.G. Bond is gazetted Director of Quartering at
+the War Office."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Pacifists beware!</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p class="center">"DIRTY WORK<br />
+AT<br />
+DOWNING STREET.</p>
+<p class="center">BY<br />
+HORATIO BOTTOMLEY."</p>
+<p class="author"><i>John Bull.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>They shouldn't have let him in.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page365" id="page365"></a>[pg
+365]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/365.png"><img width="100%" src="images/365.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Officer.</i> "WHY WERE YOU NOT AT ROLL-CALL LAST NIGHT?"</p>
+<p><i>Defaulter.</i> "WELL, SIR, WITH THIS 'ERE CAMP CAMOUFLAGED SO
+MUCH, I COULDN'T FIND MY WAY OUT OF THE CANTEEN."</p>
+</div>
+<h2>COUNTER TACTICS.</h2>
+<p>About a year ago I paid a visit to my hosier and haberdasher
+with the intention of purchasing a few things with which to tide
+over the remaining months of winter. After the preliminary
+discussion of atmospherics had been got through, the usual raffle
+of garments was spread about for my inspection. I viewed it
+dispassionately. Then, discarding the little vesties of
+warm-blooded youth and the double-width vestums of rheumatic old
+age, I chose several commonplace woollen affairs and was preparing
+to leave when my hosier and haberdasher leaned across the counter
+and whispered in my ear.</p>
+<p>"If I may advise you, Sir, you would be wise to make a large
+selection of these articles. We do not expect to replace them."</p>
+<p>He glanced cautiously at an elderly gentleman who was stirring
+up a box of ties, then, lowering his voice another semitone, added,
+"The mills are now being used exclusively for Government work." He
+insinuated the death-sentence effect very cleverly, and at that
+moment, coming to his support, as it were, the old gentleman
+tottered up, seized upon two garments and carried them off from
+under my very fingers. As he went out a middle-aged lady entered
+and made straight for the residue upon the counter. A feeling of
+panic came upon me. "Right you are," I exclaimed hurriedly, "I'll
+take the lot." As a matter of fact she only wanted a pair of gloves
+for her nephew in France.</p>
+<p>A few days later, still having the wool shortage in mind, I
+approached my hosier and haberdasher on the subject of shirts. For
+a second or two he looked thoughtfully at the toe of his boot. Then
+coming suddenly to a decision he disappeared stealthily into the
+back premises, from which he presently emerged carrying a large
+bale of flannel, which he cast caber-wise upon the counter.</p>
+<p>"There," he said triumphantly, "I don't suppose there's another
+piece of flannel like that in the country." He fingered it with an
+expert touch.</p>
+<p>"You don't say so," I said as I rubbed it reverently between my
+finger and thumb, just to show that he wasn't the only one who
+could do it.</p>
+<p>"I'm afraid it's only too true," he confessed, "and I may add
+that, after we have sold out our present stocks, flannel of any
+kind will be absolutely unobtainable."</p>
+<p>"None at all?" I asked, horror-struck at the vision of my public
+life in 1920&mdash;a bow cravat over a double-width vestum.</p>
+<p>He shook his head and smiled wisely.</p>
+<p>I am instinctively against hoarding, but I knew that if I did
+not buy it Jones would, and then some fine day, when nobody else
+had a shirt left, he would swagger about and make my life
+intolerable. This decided me and I bought the piece.</p>
+<p>A few days later it occurred to me that it might be advisable to
+lay down some socks. My idea was in perfect unison with that of my
+hosier and haberdasher. Socks were going to be unprocurable in a
+few months. I patted myself on the back and bought up the 1916
+vintage of Llama-Llama <span class="pagenum"><a name="page366" id=
+"page366"></a>[pg 366]</span> footwear. The following week
+thirty-seven shirts arrived and I had to buy a new
+chest-of-drawers.</p>
+<p>This, as I have stated before, was about a year ago. Yesterday I
+paid my hosier and haberdasher another visit. If all the bone
+factories had not been too exclusively engaged, etc., etc., I
+wished to buy a collar stud. There was an elderly man standing in
+the shop. He was quite alone, contemplating a mountain of garments.
+There were little vesties, double-width vestums, and ordinary
+woollen affairs.</p>
+<p>You could have knocked me over with a dress-sock.</p>
+<p>And where was my hosier and haberdasher? Had the
+stranger&mdash;just awakened to the value of his
+possessions&mdash;entered the shop and suddenly cast all this
+treasure upon the counter? I imagined the shock of this procedure
+on a man like my hosier and haberdasher, whose heart was perhaps a
+trifle woolly. Had he collapsed? I glanced surreptitiously behind a
+parapet of clocked socks.</p>
+<p>A moment later, from somewhere in the back premises, he appeared
+carrying a large bale of flannel, which he cast caber-wise upon the
+counter. I was dumbfounded.</p>
+<p>Then I knew the truth.</p>
+<p>"Sir," I said, turning to the stranger, "I believe you are about
+to make a selection from these articles (I indicated them
+individually), which you imagine to be the last of their race?"</p>
+<p>He nodded at me in a bewildered sort of way.</p>
+<p>"In a few months," I continued remorselessly, "they will be
+absolutely unprocurable" (he gave a start of recognition), "and
+you, having bought them, will sneak through life with the feelings
+of a food-hoarder, mingled with those of the man who slew the last
+Camberwell Beauty. I know the state of mind. But you need not
+distress yourself. These garments (I indicated them again) will
+only be unprocurable because they are in your possession. I have
+about half-a-ton myself, which, until a few minutes age, would have
+been quite unprocurable. But I have changed my mind and, if you
+will come with me, you can take your choice with a clear
+conscience, and (I glanced maliciously at my faded hosier and
+haberdasher) at the prices which were prevalent a year ago."</p>
+<p>I linked my arm with that of the stranger, and together we
+passed out of the shop into the unpolluted light of day.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/366.png"><img width="100%" src="images/366.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Mother (to child who has been naughty).</i> "AREN'T YOU
+RATHER ASHAMED OF YOURSELF?"</p>
+<p><i>Child.</i> "WELL, MOTHER, I WASN'T. BUT NOW THAT YOU'VE
+SUGGESTED IT I AM."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>PRETENDING.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">I know a magic woodland with grassy rides that
+ring</p>
+<p class="i2">To strange fantastic music and whirr of elfin
+wing,</p>
+<p class="i2">There all the oaks and beeches, moss-mantled to the
+knees,</p>
+<p class="i2">Are really fairy princes pretending to be trees.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">I know a magic moorland with wild winds drifting
+by,</p>
+<p class="i2">And pools among the peat-hags that mirror back the
+sky;</p>
+<p class="i2">And there in golden bracken the fronds that toss and
+turn</p>
+<p class="i2">Are really little people pretending to be fern.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">I wander in the woodland, I walk the magic moor;</p>
+<p class="i2">Sometimes I meet with fairies, sometimes I'm not so
+sure;</p>
+<p class="i2">And oft I pause and wonder among the green and
+gold</p>
+<p class="i2">If I am not a child again&mdash;pretending to be
+old.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p class="center">W.H.O.</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>It is understood that the FOOD-CONTROLLER has protested against
+the forcible feeding of hunger-strikers. If they want to commit the
+Yappy Dispatch, why shouldn't they?</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page367" id="page367"></a>[pg
+367]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/367.png"><img width="100%" src="images/367.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>ST. GEORGE OUT-DRAGONS THE DRAGON.</h3>
+[With Mr. Punch's jubilant compliments to Sir DOUGLAS HAIG and his
+Tanks.]</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page368" id="page368"></a>[pg
+368]</span>
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+<p><i>Monday, November 19th.</i>&mdash;Such a rush of Peers to the
+House of Commons has seldom been seen. Lord WIMBORNE, who knows
+something of congested districts, arrived early and secured the
+coveted seat over the clock. Lord CURZON, holding a watching brief
+for the War Cabinet, was only just in time to secure a place; and
+Lord COURTNEY and several others found "standing room only." If we
+have many more crises Sir ALFRED MOND will have to make provision
+for strap-hangers.</p>
+<div class="figright" style="width:35%;"><a href=
+"images/368.png"><img width="100%" src="images/368.png" alt=
+"" /></a>"His foil was carefully buttoned."<br />
+<br />
+MR. ASQUITH.</div>
+<p>There was very little sign of passion in Mr. ASQUITH'S measured
+criticism of the Allied Council and of the PRIME MINISTER'S speech
+on the subject in Paris. His foil was carefully buttoned, and
+though it administered a shrewd thrust now and again it was not
+intended to draw blood.</p>
+<p>At first the PRIME MINISTER followed this excellent example, and
+contented himself with defending, and incidentally re-composing,
+his Paris oration. The Allied Council, as now depicted, was a horse
+of quite another colour from what it seemed in Paris. A further
+example of <i>camouflage</i>, I suppose.</p>
+<p>Only when he came to deal with his Press critics did he let
+himself go, to the delight of the House, which loves him in his
+swashbuckling mood. As he confessed, however, that he had
+deliberately made "a disagreeable speech" in Paris in order to get
+it talked about, the Press will probably consider itself
+absolved.</p>
+<p><i>Tuesday, November 20th.</i>&mdash;Like John Bull, as
+represented in last week's cartoon, Lord LAMINGTON has arrived at
+the conclusion that compulsory rationing must come, and the sooner
+the better. Lord RHONDDA, however, is still hopeful that John will
+tighten his own belt, and save him the trouble. "More Yapping and
+Less Biting" should be our motto. But if we fail to live up to it,
+the machinery for compulsory rationing is all ready. Indeed,
+according to Lord DEVONPORT, it has been ready since April last,
+when an "S.O.S." to the local authorities was on the point of being
+sent, but a timely increase in imports stopped it.</p>
+<p>Nobody doubts Commander WEDGWOOD'S essential patriotism; he has
+proved it like a knight of old on his body; but he is unfortunate
+in some of his political associates, who take advantage of his
+good-nature. A book with a preface by himself had been seized by
+the police on suspicion of being seditious, and he loudly demanded
+to be prosecuted. But Sir GEORGE CAVE was not inclined to set up a
+legal presumption that the writer of a preface is responsible for
+the rest of the book. If he were, a good many "forewords" would, I
+imagine, never have been written.</p>
+<p><i>Wednesday, November 21st.</i>&mdash;By a strange oversight
+the Royal Marines were not specifically mentioned in the recent
+Vote of Thanks to the Services. Apparently the fact that this
+country is proud of them is one of those things that must not be
+told to the Marines. But Dr. MACNAMARA assured the House that the
+omission should now be repaired.</p>
+<p>There has been a shortage of provisions in the city where
+<i>Lady Godiva</i> suffered from a shortage of clothes. Mr. CLYNES
+was prompt with a remedy. A representative of the FOOD-CONTROLLER
+has already been sent to Coventry.</p>
+<p>Conscientious Objectors found a doughty champion in Lord HUGH
+CECIL. Rarely has an unpopular case been fortified with a greater
+wealth of legal, historical and ethical argument. Only once, when
+he accused Mr. BONAR LAW of holding the same doctrine as Herr
+BETHMANN-HOLLWEG, did he lose, for a moment, the sympathy of his
+audience. But he soon recovered himself, and thereafter held the
+House rapt with Cecilian harmonies.</p>
+<p>To such a lofty plane, indeed, had the debate been lifted that
+Mr. RONALD MCNEILL, tall as he is, had some difficulty in bringing
+it down to earth again; and when the division was called the spell
+was still working, and in a very big House the "Conchies" only lost
+their votes by thirty-eight.</p>
+<p><i>Thursday, November 22nd.</i>&mdash;Pending the introduction
+of the promised censorship of Parliamentary Questions, Mr. JOSEPH
+KING is working overtime. No story is too fantastically impossible
+to find a shelter under his hospitable hat. To-day it was a secret
+treaty between the Russian Government (old style) and the French
+Republic, by which Belgium was to be compensated at the expense of
+Holland. Lord ROBERT CECIL denounced it as an invention of the
+enemy. But I don't suppose the denial had the smallest effect upon
+Mr. KING, who probably went off and dined heartily on a magnum of
+mare's-nest soup.</p>
+<p>A tremendous accession to the ranks of the Sinn Feiners has been
+narrowly averted. When Members read the menu which, according to
+Major NEWMAN, the Irish Government has adopted for political
+prisoners&mdash;three good square meals a day, including an egg,
+ten ounces of meat, a pound and a half of bread, two pints and a
+half of milk, and real butter&mdash;they were strongly minded to
+enlist under Mr. DE VALERA'S banner and get themselves arrested
+forthwith. But Mr. DUKE'S emphatic denial shattered their dream of
+repletion at the taxpayers' expense.</p>
+<p>A final attempt to get proportional representation included in
+the Franchise Bill was heavily defeated. In a dashing attempt to
+save it Sir MARK SYKES declared that the old Eatanswill methods of
+electioneering had gone for ever&mdash;"no mouth was large enough
+to kiss thirty thousand babies." But the majority of the House
+seemed to be more impressed by the self-sacrificing argument of
+that eminent temperance advocate, Sir THOMAS WHITTAKER, who feared
+that "P.R." would lead to an increase in "milk-and-water
+politicians."</p>
+<hr />
+<h4>ALWAYS SOMETHING NEW FROM AFRICA.</h4>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"A Belgian East African communiqu&eacute; says that before the
+converging advance of the Anglo-German Belgian columns, the enemy
+retired to the south bank of the Kilimbero."&mdash;<i>Mombasa
+Times.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>We seem to have met some of these Anglo-German columns in the
+Pacifist Press.</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Our machines then bombed the General, in which the German
+Head-quarters at Constantinople are reported to be
+situated."&mdash;<i>Times.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>The General must have been stout, even for a German.</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Not having regained consciousness the police are left with
+little tangible evidence to work upon."&mdash;<i>Daily
+Telegraph.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Let us hope they will soon come to.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page369" id="page369"></a>[pg
+369]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/369.png"><img width="100%" src="images/369.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>HOW TO UTILISE OUR SKILLED CRAFTSMEN.</h3>
+<p><i>First Lieutenant.</i> "WHAT WAS THIS MAN BEFORE HE
+JOINED?"&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Petty Officer.</i> "OPTICIAN, SIR."</p>
+<p><i>First Lieutenant.</i> "WHAT HAD WE BETTER GIVE HIM TO
+DO?"&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Petty Officer.</i> "THERE'S THEM PRISMATIC
+SPOTTING GLASSES, SIR. THE LEATHER STRAP IS BROKEN OFF THEM. HE
+COULD SPLICE IN A PIECE O' COD LINE."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3><i>LE POILU DE CARCASSONNE.</i></h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">THE <i>poilus</i> of France on the Western Front are
+brave as brave can be,</p>
+<p class="i2">Whether they hail from rich Provence or from ruined
+Picardie;</p>
+<p class="i2">It's the self-same heart from the lazy Loire and the
+busy banks of Seine,</p>
+<p class="i2">Undaunted by perpetual mud or cold or gas or
+pain;</p>
+<p class="i2">And all are as gay as men know how whose wealth and
+friends are gone,</p>
+<p class="i2">But the gayest of all is a little white dog that came
+from Carcassonne.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">He was brought as a pup by a <i>Midi</i> man to a
+sector along the Aisne,</p>
+<p class="i2">But his man laid the wire one pitch-black night and
+never came back again.</p>
+<p class="i2">The pup stood by with one ear down and the other a
+question mark,</p>
+<p class="i2">And at times he licked his dead friend's face and at
+times he tried to bark,</p>
+<p class="i2">Till the listening sentry heard the sound, and when
+the daylight shone</p>
+<p class="i2">He looked abroad and cried, "<i>Bon Guieu! C'est le
+poilu de Carcassonne!</i>"</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">So the dead man's <i>copains</i> kept the dog on the
+strength of the company.</p>
+<p class="i2">And whoever went short it was not the pup, though a
+greedy pup was he;</p>
+<p class="i2">They gave him their choicest bits of <i>sinje</i> and
+drops of <i>pinard</i> too;</p>
+<p class="i2">He was warm and safe when he crept beneath a cloak of
+horizon-blue;</p>
+<p class="i2">They clipped fresh <i>brisques</i> in his rough white
+coat as the weary months dragged on,</p>
+<p class="i2">And all the sector knows him now as <i>le Poilu de
+Carcassonne</i>.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">And in return he keeps their hearts from that
+haunting foe, <i>l'ennui</i>;</p>
+<p class="i2">He's their plaything, friend, and sentry too, and a
+lover of devilry;</p>
+<p class="i2">He helps them to hunt out rats or Boches; he burrows
+and sniffs for mines,</p>
+<p class="i2">And he growls when the murderous shrapnel flies
+screaming above the lines;</p>
+<p class="i2">His little black nose is a-quiver with glee whenever
+a raid is on,</p>
+<p class="i2">And they say with pride, "<i>C'est la guerre
+elle-m&ecirc;me, notre Poilu de Carcassonne!</i>"</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was none more glad when they went to rest in
+their billet, a ruined shack,</p>
+<p class="i2">But when they returned to the front-line trench he
+was just as pleased to be back;</p>
+<p class="i2">He's the spirit of fun itself, and so when other men
+feel blue,</p>
+<p class="i2">His friends remark, "<i>Le cafard, quoi? On l'connait
+pas chez nous!</i>"</p>
+<p class="i2">So when you drink to the valiant French and the
+glorious fights they've won</p>
+<p class="i2">Just raise your glass to a little white dog that came
+from Carcassonne.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page370" id="page370"></a>[pg
+370]</span>
+<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2>
+<p class="center">"LOYALTY."</p>
+<p>If you are a pernickety intellectual (<i>soi-disant</i>) you may
+really permit yourself to be faintly amused at the fiery zeal of
+the mystery-wrapt author of <i>Loyalty</i> for his (or, quite
+possibly, her) country's cause in this difficult hour. If you are
+cast in the common human mould that nowadays is seen for the
+glorious thing it is, you will respond to many single-minded,
+wholesome thoughts in the impassioned statement of his thesis. And
+if you happen to belong to that simple discredited breed, the
+English, so long overshadowed by the nimbler Britons, you may have
+quite a nice little private thrill of your own, a thrill of pride
+in your precious stone, and begin to think with seriousness of the
+advantages of "home rule all round" in an England-for-the-English
+mood, and of the value of a nationalism that is as irrational as
+conjugal or mother love&mdash;and as fine.</p>
+<p>The author's hero is an Englishman of the wandering type,
+assistant editor on a crank paper. The play is a protracted debate
+in four sessions, June, 1914; July, 1914; August, 1914; September,
+1916. And here the author makes his most serious mistake, the
+mistake made by Mr. HENRY ARTHUR JONES in his recent squib. If he
+had contrived his Little Navy folk, the proprietor, editor and
+revolving cranks as something more than mere caricatures, brands of
+straw prepared for his consuming bonfires, he would have
+strengthened, not weakened, his excellent case. He has quoted his
+enemies' mistakes without their excuses, their texts without their
+contexts. And that is a form of propaganda which can only touch the
+converted, or such of them as are not stirred by a sporting
+instinct to a certain mood of protest and a wish that the other
+fellow should be given a better start in the heresy hunt.</p>
+<p>The <i>dramatis personae</i>, then, divide themselves into the
+men of straw and the right sort. Of the former you have first
+<i>Sir Andrew Craig</i>, chairman of the party in his constituency
+and editor of <i>The New Standard</i> (there were indeed altogether
+new standards of efficiency, mentality and hospitality in that
+rather imaginative newspaper office of the First Act). Mr. FISHER
+WHITE gave us the courtly-obstinate old man to the life (this
+player has a way of removing straw). In the dramatic passage in
+which, returning after being broken in a German prison, he relates
+some of the horrors of which it is good for us to be reminded, he
+rose to the height of his fine talent. His exquisite
+elocution&mdash;a remarkable feat of virtuosity&mdash;was in itself
+a sheer delight.</p>
+<p><i>Mr. Stutchbury</i>, the editor, pacifist and sentimental
+democrat, was dealt to Mr. LENNOX PAWLE. He played his hand well.
+There was never such an editor outside Bedlam; but Mr. PAWLE is a
+resourceful person and by a score of clever tricks of gesture and
+business made a reasonable figure of fun for our obloquy. All but
+broken in the end, but still claiming that he had "the larger
+vision" (as he certainly had the larger diameter), there was a
+certain dignity of pathos in his exit, a late <i>amende</i> by an
+otherwise remorseless puppet-maker. Mr. SYDNEY PAXTON as a pillar
+of Nonconformity offered a clever study in the unctuous-grotesque;
+Mr. VINCENT STERNROYD sketched a portrait of a nut-consuming
+impenitent disarmamentist. The author is the first, so far as I
+know, to give public emphasis to the queer fact of natural history
+that there is some connection between extreme opinions and the
+prominence of the Adam's apple of the holder of them&mdash;a fact
+on which I have often pondered.</p>
+<p>Mr. M. MORAND, the aggressive Scots member of the election
+committee, inspired to great heights of insobriety by the return of
+his London-Scottish nephew from the Front, sounded a welcome human
+note, as did Mr. SAM LIVESEY, the Labour Member of the committee,
+shaken out of his detachment into an extreme explicitness of
+language by a Zeppelin raid experience. Mr. GEORGE BELLAMY'S Welsh
+Disestablisher and Mr. GRIFFITH HUMPHREYS' exuberant German
+press-agent of the pre-war period were both really shrewd
+studies.</p>
+<p>Of the right sort there were but five&mdash;and one of these,
+the editor's secretary, at heart an honest patriot, but in fact
+eating the bread of shame, was perhaps not altogether of the right
+sort. Still he did get off his chest at last the pent-up passion of
+years, and very well he did it, with the help of Mr. RANDLE AYRTON,
+whose subtle little touches, building up a picture of a
+disheartened hack, were very adroit indeed.</p>
+<div class="figright" style="width:50%;"><a href=
+"images/370.png"><img width="100%" src="images/370.png" alt=
+"" /></a>THE LIGHTER SIDE OF EDITORIAL LIFE.<br />
+<br />
+<i>Frank Aylett</i> . . . . . . . . MR. C. AUBREY SMITH.<br />
+<i>Anthea Craig</i> . . . . . . . . . . . MISS VIOLA TREE.</div>
+<p>Then there was young <i>Henry Craig</i>, at the beginning an
+undergraduate in his last term, at the end a V.C. in his last
+resting-place. Mr. PERCIVAL CLARKE'S was an adequate pleasant
+study. So also was Mr. PHILIP ANTHONY'S of a Canadian, full of
+strange idioms, who butted in to just the wrong corner of Fleet
+Street to put the editor wise about the intentions of a Germany in
+which he had spent his last two years. And then there was
+splendidly English <i>Frank Aylett</i>, exile returned, unspoilt by
+the cynicism of party and paper, whose fortune came to him just at
+the psychological moment, enabling him to give his proprietor
+notice and fight and win a by-election in the astonied man's own
+constituency, besides carrying off his daughter (Miss VIOLA TREE),
+who was the fifth of the right sort. What more plausible English
+hero than Mr. C. AUBREY SMITH, except that he had to talk a good
+deal more than seemed appropriate to his type? There was a
+well-managed post-election scene when he was at his best (as was
+the author). And all through there was good and sometimes glorious
+sense for those to hear who had ears.</p>
+<p>The programme promised us about a month's interval between Acts
+I. and II. It was actually less than that; but if Mr. J.H. SQUIRE's
+musicianly orchestra had not been there to charm us we might
+conceivably have been bored.</p>
+<p class="author">T.</p>
+<hr />
+<h4>More Commercial Candour.</h4>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"FOR SALE.&mdash;A 45 H.P., 6 cyl.&mdash;Car, touring body,
+fitted with every latest convenience. Exceptionally well sprung.
+Just purchased by owner and run under 1,000 miles. Guaranteed over
+25-galls. to the mile by Agents. Rs. 11,000."&mdash;<i>Indian
+Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page371" id="page371"></a>[pg
+371]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/371.png"><img width="100%" src="images/371.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>"DIVERSION" IN THE BALKANS.</h3>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>HEROES.</h3>
+<p>If the question were put to a company of young women, "What is
+the most thrilling experience you can have in a London street?" the
+odds are a thousand to one that they would reply that nothing could
+be more thrilling than to meet a famous actor in plain clothes and
+identify him. I am not a young woman myself, but I should be
+inclined to share their opinion. There is something about an actor
+in real life, moving along like a human being&mdash;one of
+us&mdash;that always stirs my pulse. It is exciting enough to see
+Mr. LLOYD GEORGE or Mr. ASQUITH or Sir OLIVER LODGE; but no one
+stirs the imagination like an actor.</p>
+<p>That is why I still tremble a little whenever I think of my good
+fortune the other afternoon in the Haymarket, and why my pen shakes
+as I commit the adventure to paper. For I met face to face two of
+the most successful actors in London&mdash;at the present moment,
+in the world.</p>
+<p>I was walking up the Haymarket in the rain, hoping, in spite of
+the new prohibitive rates, that I might see an empty cab, when I
+met them coming down. They were walking with a man whom I did not
+recognise, and, like me, were getting wet. One thinks of successful
+actors as riding always in taxis; but taxis are very rare nowadays,
+particularly in the wet, and somehow it did not seem unnatural that
+they should be on foot. I am glad enough that they were, or I
+should have missed my <i>frisson</i>; and others would have
+suffered a similar loss, for the recognition was not only on my
+part but on that of several passers-by, and it was instantaneous.
+Indeed, I heard one lady tell her companion the name of the play
+they are in and the extraordinary length of its run, and since she
+spoke loudly I thought how delightful it must be to be a theatrical
+celebrity and hear cordial things like that as you move about.
+Neither of them paid any attention, however, although their friend
+showed signs that the flattery had not escaped him; the two
+Illustrions (to coin a word) merely walked on, superior to our
+homage, and disappeared into Charles Street, where the stage door
+of His Majesty's is.</p>
+<p>Pouring though it was, and grovelling admirer of footlight
+favourites as I am, somehow I never thought to offer either of them
+my umbrella. But then one doesn't offer an umbrella to a donkey or
+a camel, even though they are two of the stars of <i>Chu Chin
+Chow</i>.</p>
+<hr />
+<h4>ANOTHER INJUSTICE.</h4>
+<p>From a Sinn Fein speech:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"When Ireland was silent England did not hear her cry
+out."&mdash;<i>Wicklow News-Letter</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"WHY SHOULD A RABBIT COST 2<i>s</i>. 3<i>d</i>.?</p>
+<p>"This question from a reader induces me to postpone until next
+week my analysis of the high cost of onions."&mdash;<i>Empire
+News</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>On the principle that it is better to make sure of the rabbit
+before arranging about the stuffing.</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Stockholm, Tuesday.</p>
+<p>"News from Finland shows that the Socialist leaders have lost
+control of the workmen, and all kinds of excesses are taking place.
+The present Commandant at Tornea was a sailor, the head of the
+passport office was a tailor, and the chief telegraphic censor a
+tinker."&mdash;<i>Central News</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>We miss the soldier, to say nothing of "apothecary, ploughboy,
+thief."</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Scholars and tragedians between them seem to have appropriated
+the right to keep Shakespeare's memory green. But there are other
+Richmonds in the field, humble Richmonds, not well read ... John of
+Gaunt, crying that his England 'never did nor never shall lie at
+the proud foot of a conqueror....'"&mdash;<i>The Times</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>The writer who thus deprived the <i>Bastard</i> in <i>King
+John</i> of his famous lines was, we infer, one of the "other
+Richmonds."</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page372" id="page372"></a>[pg
+372]</span>
+<h3>SUGAR.</h3>
+<p class="center">AN ELEGIAC ODE.</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Queen of the palate! Universal Sweet!</p>
+<p class="i4">Gastronomy's delectable Gioconda!</p>
+<p class="i2">Since with submission loyally I greet</p>
+<p class="i4">And follow out the regimen of RHONDDA,</p>
+<p class="i2">I cannot be considered indiscreet</p>
+<p class="i4">If I essay, but never go beyond, a</p>
+<p class="i2">Brief elegiac tribute to a sway</p>
+<p class="i2">By sterner needs now largely swept away.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Thy candy soothes the infant in its pram;</p>
+<p class="i4">Thou addest mellowness to old brown sherry;</p>
+<p class="i2">Thou glorifiest marmalade, on Cam</p>
+<p class="i4">And Isis making breakfast-tables merry;</p>
+<p class="i2">Thou lendest magic to the meanest jam</p>
+<p class="i4">Compounded of the most insipid berry;</p>
+<p class="i2">And canst convert the sourest crabs and quinces</p>
+<p class="i2">To jellies fit for epicures and princes.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Thou charmest unalloyed, in loaf or lumps</p>
+<p class="i4">Or crystals; brown and moist, or white and
+pounded;</p>
+<p class="i2">I never was so deeply in the dumps</p>
+<p class="i4">That, once thy fount of sweetness I had sounded,</p>
+<p class="i2">Courage returned not; even with the mumps</p>
+<p class="i4">I still could view with gratitude unbounded</p>
+<p class="i2">The navigators of heroic Spain</p>
+<p class="i2">Who found the New World&mdash;and the sugar-cane.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Sprinkled on buttered bread thou dost excite</p>
+<p class="i4">In human boys insatiable cravings;</p>
+<p class="i2">On Turkish (I regret to say) Delight</p>
+<p class="i4">Thou lurest them to dissipate their savings,</p>
+<p class="i2">Instead of banking them, or sitting tight,</p>
+<p class="i4">Or buying useful books and good engravings;</p>
+<p class="i2">And lastly, mixed with strawberries and cream,</p>
+<p class="i2">Thou art more than a dish, thou art a dream.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Before necessity, that knows no ruth,</p>
+<p class="i4">Ordained thy frugal use in tea and coffee,</p>
+<p class="i2">Some Stoics banned thee&mdash;men who in their
+youth</p>
+<p class="i4">Showed an unnatural dislike of toffee;</p>
+<p class="i2">For sweetness charms the normal human tooth,</p>
+<p class="i4">Sweetness inspires the singer's tenderest
+strophe,</p>
+<p class="i2">Since old LUCRETIUS musically chid</p>
+<p class="i2">The curse of life&mdash;<i>amari aliquid</i>.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2"><i>Eau sucr&eacute;e</i>, I admit, is rather tame</p>
+<p class="i4">Compared with beer or whisky blent with soda;</p>
+<p class="i2">But gallant Frenchmen, experts at this game,</p>
+<p class="i4">Commend it highly either as a <i>coda</i></p>
+<p class="i2">Or prelude to their meals, and much the same</p>
+<p class="i4">Is sherbet, which the Gaekwar of Baroda</p>
+<p class="i2">And other Oriental satraps quaff</p>
+<p class="i2">In preference to ale or half-and-half.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Nor must I fail, O potent saccharin!</p>
+<p class="i4">Thou chemic offspring of by-products coaly,</p>
+<p class="i2">Late comer on the culinary scene,</p>
+<p class="i4">To hail thy aid, although it may be lowly</p>
+<p class="i2">Even compared with beet; for thou hast been</p>
+<p class="i4">Employed in sweetening my roly-poly&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Thou whom I once regarded as a dose</p>
+<p class="i2">And now the active rival of glucose!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">But still I hear some jaundiced critic say,</p>
+<p class="i4">Some rigid self-appointed <i>censor morum</i>,</p>
+<p class="i2">"Why harp upon the pleasures of a day</p>
+<p class="i4">When freely sweetened was each cup and jorum,</p>
+<p class="i2">Ere stern controllers had begun to stay</p>
+<p class="i4">The genial outflow of the <i>fons leporum?</i></p>
+<p class="i2">Now sugar's scarce, and we must do without it,</p>
+<p class="i2">Why let regretful fancy play about it?"</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">True, yet it greatly goes against the grain,</p>
+<p class="i4">Unless one has the patience of Ulysses,</p>
+<p class="i2">Wholly and resolutely to refrain</p>
+<p class="i4">From dwelling on the memory of past blisses;</p>
+<p class="i2">Forbidden fruits allure the strong and sane;</p>
+<p class="i4">Joys loved but lost are what one chiefly misses;</p>
+<p class="i2">This is my best excuse if I deplore</p>
+<p class="i2">"So sad, so <i>sweet</i>, the days that are no
+more."</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>'TATERS.</h3>
+<p>SCENE: <i>At "The Plough and Horses</i>."</p>
+<p>"You seen Parson lately, George?"</p>
+<p>"Not lately I ain't, Luther."</p>
+<p>"Not since 'is 'taters be out o' ground?"</p>
+<p>"No. Finest crop in village, some do say."</p>
+<p>"That be right&mdash;sev'ral ton of 'em there be."</p>
+<p>"What to goodness do 'e want 'em all for, then? 'Im an' 's wife
+an' a maid 'll never eat all them 'taters."</p>
+<p>"I'll tell you what 'e says to me, for 'appen 'e'll say it to
+you, George, when 'e comes acrost you next. 'E says to me, 'I've
+growed as many potatoes as I've had strength to grow, an' they've
+prospered exceedin'ly,' 'e says, 'thank God! So if any deservin'
+folk in my parish gets through wi' their own crop an' wants more
+later on they 'as only to come to me, for I've growed more 'an my
+'ouse'old 'll eat if they was to eat all day.'"</p>
+<p>"'E be proud o' that?"</p>
+<p>"Fine an' proud 'e be."</p>
+<p>"An' yet it be some'at unfort'nate too. For all of us as is left
+in this 'ere parish 'as growed as many 'taters as they'll be like
+to need, same as 'e. So I don't see nought but disappointment for
+Parson an' a lot o' good 'taters lyin' to rot in their pies."</p>
+<p>"Some there be too fond o' Parson to let that 'appen. Me an' my
+wife be sendin' few of ours to London ev'ry week or so. So in due
+season we shall be free to go to Parson an' 'elp 'im through wi'
+'is, same as 'e wants us to. I 'ears as others is doin' some'at the
+same as us&mdash;fear is as too many'll tumble to the idea, which
+is why I'd 'ave you keep it fro' goin' further, George."</p>
+<p>"Silent as th' grave I'll be. So you're givin' your 'taters 'way
+to please Parson? Yet I do allus say as 'taters what a man grows
+wi' sweat of 'is own brow do beat all others in t' eatin'."</p>
+<p>"That may be; but us can't afford to be so mighty pernickerty in
+time o' war. Nor we ain't givin' nothin 'way in manner o' speakin'.
+Fair market price they gives for 'em in London. So it be somethin'
+in 'and in these 'ard times as well as savin' Parson from a bitter
+disappointment what 'e ain't done nothin' to deserve, so far as I
+can see."</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Two organ grinders, aged 23 and 16, were taken to Charing Cross
+Hospital to-day with bad injuries and severe shock, the result of a
+barrel organ getting out of control in
+Rosebery-avenue."&mdash;<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>They should try a less dangerous instrument next time.</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"'Seed potatoes' means potatoes grown in Scotland or Ireland in
+the year 1917, or grown in England or Wales in the year 1917 from
+seed grown in Scotland or Ireland in the year 1916, which will pass
+through a riddle having a 1-5/8-in. mesh, and will not pass through
+a riddle having a 1-5/8-in. mesh."&mdash;<i>Journal of the Board of
+Agriculture</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>We ourselves cannot get through any riddle of this kind.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page373" id="page373"></a>[pg
+373]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/373.png"><img width="100%" src="images/373.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Sergeant (instructing squad of volunteers in physical
+drill).</i> "THIS 'ERE HEXERCISE IS INTENDED TO 'ARDEN THE MUSCLES
+OF THE STUMMICK AND MAKE IT HIMPERVIOUS TO GERMAN BULLETS HIN CASE
+OF HINVASION."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+<p class="center"><i>(By Mr, Punch's Staff of Learned
+Clerks.)</i></p>
+<p>It is difficult within the ordinary limits of a review in these
+columns to say all that one feels or even to express adequately
+one's gratitude after reading the two volumes of Lord MORLEY'S
+generous and delightful <i>Recollections</i> (MACMILLAN). I seem to
+have been sitting with him in a large and comfortable library while
+the great Viscount rolled me out his mind, now breaking out into a
+glowing eulogy of GEORGE MEREDITH, JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN or LESLIE
+STEPHEN, or again dashing off with a few firm and skilful strokes a
+portrait of JOHN MILL or HERBERT SPENCER, or some other
+intellectual giant of that nineteenth century which Lord MORLEY
+nobly defends and of which he himself was <i>grande decus
+columenque</i>. The book is crammed with passages that arouse and
+maintain pleasure in the reader and clamour for quotation on the
+part of the reviewer. "Meredith," we are told, "who did not know
+Mill in person, once spoke to me of him, with the confident
+intuition proper to imaginative genius, as partaking of the
+Spinster. Disraeli, when Mill made an early speech in Parliament,
+raised his eye-glass and murmured to a neighbour on the bench, 'Ah,
+the Finishing Governess.'" Or we are introduced to SPENCER at
+MILL'S table: "The host said to him at dessert that Grote, who was
+present, would like to hear him explain one or more of his views
+about the equilibration of molecules in some relation or other.
+Spencer, after an instant of good-natured hesitation, complied with
+unbroken fluency for a quarter-of-an-hour or more. Grote followed
+every word intently, and in the end expressed himself as well
+satisfied. Mill, as we moved off into the drawing-room, declared to
+me his admiration of a wonderful piece of lucid exposition.
+Fawcett, in a whisper, asked me if I understood a word of it, for
+he did not. Luckily I had no time to answer." Or again: "Another
+contributor [to <i>The Saturday Review</i>] was the important man
+who became Lord SALISBURY. He and I were alone together in the
+editorial anteroom every Tuesday morning, awaiting our commissions,
+but he too had a talent for silence, and we exchanged no words,
+either now or on any future occasion." How charming a picture is
+this of two shy British publicists maintaining towards one another,
+against every possible discouragement, an inviolable silence. Not
+even the weather could tempt them to break it. Yet the great
+characteristic of this book is the large-hearted tolerance of
+comment and judgment which makes it emphatically a friendly book.
+As such I commend it with all the warmth in my power.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>For her new story, <i>Missing</i> (COLLINS), Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD
+has used her knowledge, already proved elsewhere, of two settings,
+the English Lakes and a Base Hospital somewhere in France. Also
+perhaps her knowledge of human nature, though I like to think that
+there are not many elder sisters so calculatingly callous as
+<i>Bridget</i>. The bother about her was that she sadly wanted her
+attractive younger sister to marry a sufficient establishment, not,
+I fear, from wholly altruistic motives. So she was not altogether
+sorry when the impecunious soldier-husband, whom <i>Nelly</i> had
+personally preferred, was reported missing, thus leaving that to
+chance once again open. Then, just as her plans seemed to be
+prospering, word came secretly to her that there was a man
+shattered and with memory lost in a base hospital who might
+possibly be the brother-in-law whom she so emphatically didn't
+want. What happens <span class="pagenum"><a name="page374" id=
+"page374"></a>[pg 374]</span> upon this you shall find out for
+yourself. Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD, as you will notice, has no fear of a
+dramatic, even melodramatic, situation; handles it, indeed, with a
+skill that the most popular might envy. Thence onwards the story,
+perhaps a trifle slow in starting, gathers force. The two visits to
+the camp at X&mdash;&mdash; (a very thin disguise for a place that
+no Englishman of our time will ever forget) are admirably vivid;
+the last chapters especially being as moving as anything that Mrs.
+WARD has given us, whether in her popular, profound or propagandist
+manner.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Lately, Mr. E.F. BENSON seems to have been devoting himself
+almost wholly to chronicling the short and simple annals of the
+middle-aged. With one exception, all his recent protagonists have
+been, if not exactly in the sere and yellow, at least ripely
+mature. So that such a title as that of his latest novel, <i>An
+Autumn Solving</i> (COLLINS), produced in me rather a feeling of
+familiar expectancy than of surprise. Also when the wrapper artist
+clothes a volume with a picture of an elderly gentleman obviously
+giving up an attractive young woman of perhaps one-third his years
+it is idle to pretend that the contents retain all the thrill of
+the unforeseen. Having said so much, I can let myself go in praise
+(as how often before) of those qualities of insight and gently
+sub-acid humour that make a BENSON novel an interlude of pure
+enjoyment to the "jaded reviewer." In case the indiscreet cover may
+happily have been removed before the volume reaches your hands, I
+do not propose to give away the plot in any detail. The autumn
+sowing of course produces a crop not exactly of wild oats, but of
+romantic tares that springs in the hitherto barren heart of one
+<i>Keeling</i>, prosperous tradesman, husband, father, mayor,
+public benefactor and baronet, by reason of the too sympathetic
+damsel who types his letters and catalogues his library. That
+library shows Mr. BENSON'S genius; without it I should hardly have
+been able to believe in the subsequent happenings, but, given this
+"secret garden," all the tragedy is explained. I have left myself
+no space in which to do justice to some admirable characterization.
+<i>Keeling's</i> wife is worthy of a place in the author's long
+gallery of woolly-witted matrons; while in <i>Silverdale</i> he has
+given a study of clerical futility and egotism almost savage in its
+detestability, a portrait at which one laughs and shudders
+together. Of course the book will have, and deserve, a huge
+welcome.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The union of scholarship and sympathy, enthusiasm and eloquence,
+is rare; yet these qualities are to be found in perfect harmony in
+the stately volume on the poets' poet which has just been published
+under the style, on the cover, <i>Life of John Keats</i>, and on
+the title-page, <i>John Keats, His Life and Poetry, His Friends,
+Critics and After-Fame</i> (MACMILLAN)&mdash;a volume upon which
+Sir SIDNEY COLVIN has been engaged ever since his retirement from
+the Print Room of the British Museum, and may be said to have been
+preparing to write all his days, ever since, as a boy, he first
+opened the "magic casement." A book representing so long and ardent
+a devotion, and written by one whose loyalties have always been so
+cordially sustained and acknowledged, could not but glow; and it is
+its warmth of feeling which, to my mind, peculiarly marks this very
+distinguished work. It is more than a life; it is a "companion" to
+KEATS so complete and understanding that one can with confidence
+apply to it the abused word, "definitive." Critical essays on the
+poet no doubt will continue to appear, but this is the last
+biographical monument likely to be raised to him.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Your enjoyment of <i>The Head of the Family</i> (METHUEN) may in
+a measure depend upon your capacity to appreciate <i>William
+Linkhorn</i> and the glory of his "great flaming beard." To me,
+unhappily, <i>William</i> was an uncouth rustic, just that and very
+little else; but he possessed some mysterious attraction for women;
+so, at any rate, Mrs. HENRY DUDENEY tells me, though she does not
+explain to my satisfaction what it was. <i>Phoebe-Louisa</i>
+married him partly because she wanted a man to help in her
+greengrocery; but what charm he had for her soon waned, and she
+smote hard when she caught him philandering with <i>Beausire
+Fillery</i>. It was all the lady's fault; <i>William</i> had, so to
+speak, only to wave his beard and she was at his feet. But if the
+hirsute feature of this story leaves me cold it is easy enough to
+enjoy and admire the rest. The <i>Firebraces</i>, spoken of here as
+"The Family," are most admirably drawn. Never has the condescension
+of county people to those less exalted in birth been described with
+more delightful irony. True that some of the <i>Firebraces</i>
+kicked over the traces and married whom they listed, but the family
+as a whole was rooted deep enough to stand shocks which would have
+devastated people of less assured position. The scenes of the story
+are laid in and around Lewes, a part of England dear to Mrs.
+DUDENEY'S heart, and of which she writes with real comprehension
+and devotion.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>By a self-denying ordinance Mr. Punch declines, as a general
+rule, to review in these columns the work of his Staff. But he may
+permit himself to announce to all lovers of the gay humour of
+"A.A.M." that Messrs. HODDER AND STOUGHTON have just brought out a
+new novel, <i>Once on a Time</i>, by Mr. ALAN A. MILNE, with
+illustrations by Mr. H. M. BROCK.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href=
+"images/374.png"><img width="100%" src="images/374.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p class="center">A CONSOLING THOUGHT.</p>
+<p><i>Belated Traveller (surprised by a bull when taking a short
+cut to the station).</i> "BY JOVE! I BELIEVE I SHALL CATCH THAT
+TRAIN AFTER ALL."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Alexander had his 'Plutarch' always under his
+pillow."&mdash;<i>British Weekly.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>This must have been a very early edition.</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Colombo is suffering from an attack of rabies and there have
+been 38 cases reported so far. In the first six months of the year
+1,300 days were destroyed."&mdash;<i>Singapore Free Press</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Let us hope that every day had its dog.</p>
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11443 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
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+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #11443 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/11443)
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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153,
+Nov. 28, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Nov. 28, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: March 4, 2004  [eBook #11443]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: iso-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 153, NOV. 28, 1917***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Andy Jewell, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 11443-h.htm or 11443-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/4/11443/11443-h/11443-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/4/11443/11443-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 153
+
+NOVEMBER 28, 1917
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"How the Germans never got wind of it," writes a correspondent of the
+British attack on the HINDENBURG line, "is a mystery." The failure of
+certain M.P.'s to ask questions about it in Parliament beforehand may
+have had something to do with it.
+
+       ***
+
+An order has been promulgated fixing the composition of horse chaff. The
+approach of the pantomime season is thought to be responsible for it.
+
+       ***
+
+"We are particularly anxious," writes the Ministry of Food, "that
+Christmas plum-puddings should not be kept for any length of time." A
+Young Patriots' League has been formed, we understand, whose members are
+bent on carrying out Lord RHONDDA'S wishes at any cost to their parents.
+
+       ***
+
+Another birthplace of ST. GEORGE has been captured in Palestine. It is
+now definitely established that the sainted warrior's habit of trying to
+carry-on in two places at the same time was the subject of much adverse
+criticism by the military experts of the period.
+
+       ***
+
+A Camberley man charged with deserting the Navy and joining the Army
+explained that he was tired of waiting for TIRPITZ to come out. We
+are informed that Commander CARLYON BELLAIRS, M.P., and Admiral W.H.
+HENDERSON have been asked to enlighten the poor fellow as to the true
+state of affairs.
+
+       ***
+
+A skull of the Bronze Age has been found on Salisbury Plain. Several
+hats of the brass age have also been seen in the vicinity.
+
+       ***
+
+Imports of ostrich feathers have fallen from £33,000 in 1915 to £182
+in 1917. Ostrich farmers, it appears, are on the verge of ruin as
+the result of their inability to obtain scissors and other suitable
+foodstuffs for the birds.
+
+       ***
+
+"Measures are being taken to check pacifists," says Sir GEORGE CAVE.
+Prison-yard measures, we hope.
+
+       ***
+
+A Stoke Newington constable has discovered a happy method of taking
+people's minds off their food troubles. During the last month he has
+served fifty of them with dog-summonses.
+
+       ***
+
+Five hundred pounds have been sent to the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER
+by an anonymous donor. It is thought that the man is concealing his
+identity to avoid being made a baronet.
+
+       ***
+
+"What is the use of corporations if they can do nothing useful?" asks
+Councillor STOCK, of Margate. It is an alluring topic, but a patriotic
+Press has decided that it must be postponed in favour of the War.
+
+       ***
+
+During trench-digging on Salisbury Plain the skeleton of a young man,
+apparently buried about the year 600 B.C., was unearthed. The skull was
+partially fractured, evidently by a battle-axe. Foul play is suspected.
+
+       ***
+
+Sugar was sold for half-a-guinea a pound at a charity sale in the
+South of England, and local grocers are complaining bitterly of unfair
+competition.
+
+       ***
+
+A contemporary points out that there is a soldier in the North
+Staffordshire Regiment whose name is DOUGLAS HAIG. Riots are reported in
+Germany.
+
+       ***
+
+"Can Fish Smell?" asks a weekly paper headline. We can only say that in
+our experience they sometimes do, especially on a Monday.
+
+       ***
+
+An employer pleading for an applicant before the Egham Tribunal stated
+that he had an oil-engine which nobody else would go near. We cannot
+help thinking that much might be done with a little tact, such as going
+up to the engine quietly and stroking its face, or even making a noise
+like a piece of oily waste.
+
+       ***
+
+Germany's new Hymn of Hate has been published. To give greater effect to
+the thing and make it more fearful, Germans who contemplate singing it
+are requested to grow side-whiskers.
+
+       ***
+
+It is rumoured that since his recent tirade at York against newspapers
+Dr. LYTTELTON has been made an Honorary Member of the Society of
+Correctors of the Press.
+
+       ***
+
+_The Evening News_ informs us that Mr. HENRY WHITE, a grave-digger of
+Hellingly, has just dug his thousandth grave. Congratulations to our
+contemporary upon being the first to spread the joyful news.
+
+       ***
+
+Unfortunately, says _The Daily Mail_, Lord NORTHCLIFFE cannot be in four
+places at once. Pending a direct contradiction from the new Viscount
+himself, we can only counsel the country to bear this announcement with
+fortitude.
+
+       ***
+
+Only the other day _The Daily Chronicle_ referred to the Premier as "Mr.
+George," just as if it had always been a penny paper.
+
+       ***
+
+The rush to a certain Northern suburb has died down. The rumour that
+there was a polite grocer there turns out to be cruelly at variance with
+the facts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JOY-RIDING UP-TO-DATE.
+
+THE UNDEFEATED WAR-PROFITEER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER SEX-PROBLEM.
+
+    "Plaintiff was the daughter of an officer in the Royal Irish
+    Constabulary, and was a grand-nephew of Dr. Abernethy, the famous
+    surgeon."--_Evening Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a recent novel:--
+
+    "His face was of the good oatmeal type, and grew upon one."
+
+Useful in these days of rations.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+From _The New Statesman's_ comment on Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S Paris speech.
+
+    "He does try to be Biblical sometimes. In the Paris speech he used
+    the unnatural word 'yea' twice. Each time it gave one shudders down
+    the back."
+
+No doubt next time, in view of our obligations to U.S.A., the PRIME
+MINISTER will say "Yep."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE VICTORY.
+
+[_For J.B., with the author's affectionate pride._]
+
+HINDENBURG TO MACKENSEN.
+
+  Dear MAC, in that prodigious thrust
+  In which your valiant legions vie
+  With HANNIBAL'S renown, I trust
+  You go a shade more strong than I;
+  Lately I've lost a lot of scalps,
+  Which is a dem'd unpleasant thing;
+  You may enjoy the Julian Alps--
+  I do not like this JULIAN BYNG.
+
+  I find him full of crafty pranks:
+  Without the usual warning fire
+  He loosed his beastly rows of tanks
+  And sent 'em wallowing through my wire;
+  For days and days he kept the lid
+  Hard down upon his low designs,
+  Then simply walked across and did
+  Just what he liked with all my lines.
+
+  The fellow doesn't keep the rules;
+  Experts (I'm one myself) advise
+  That in trench-warfare even fools
+  Cannot be taken by surprise;
+  It isn't done; and yet he came
+  With never a previous "Are you there?"
+  And caught me--this is not the game--
+  Bending my thoughtful gaze elsewhere.
+
+  _Later_.--My route is toward the rear.
+  Where I shall stand and stop the rot
+  Lord only knows; and now I hear
+  Your forward pace is none too hot;
+  Indeed, with BYNG upon the burst,
+  If at this rate I make for home,
+  I doubt not who will get there first,
+  I to the Rhine, or you to Rome.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LITERARY ADVISER.
+
+No, he does not appear in the _Gazette_. War establishments know him
+not and his appointment throws no additional labour upon the staff of
+Messrs. COX AND CO. Unofficially he is known as O.C. Split Infinitives.
+His duties are to see that the standard of literary excellence, which
+makes the correspondence of the Corps a pleasure to receive, is
+maintained at the high level set by the Corps Commander himself. Indeed
+the velvety quality of our prose is the envy of all other formations.
+
+Apart from duties wholly literary, he is also O.C. Code Names. The
+stock-in-trade for this skilled labour is an H.B. pencil and a Webster
+Dictionary. The routine is simplicity itself. As soon as anybody informs
+him of a new arrival in the area he fishes out the dictionary, plays
+Tit-Tat-Toe with the H.B., writes out the word that it lands upon at the
+end of his rhyme, and, hey presto! there is another day's work done.
+
+But one day, for the sake of greater secrecy, it became necessary to
+rename all the units of the area, and the Literary Adviser suddenly
+found himself put to it to provide about three hundred new Code Names at
+once. Heroically he set to work with his dictionary, his H.B. pencil,
+and his little rhyme. For two days the Resplendent Ones in the General
+Staff Office bore patiently with the muttering madman in the corner.
+For two days he fluttered the leaves of his dictionary and
+whispered hoarsely to himself, "Tit-tat-toe, my-first-go,
+three-jolly-nigger-boys-all-in-a-_row_," picking out word after word
+with unerring accuracy until the dictionary was a waste of punctures and
+three generations of H.B.'s had passed away. Before the second day was
+out the jingle had done its dreadful work. It was as much as the clerks
+could do to avoid keeping step with it. The climax came when the Senior
+Resplendent One, looking down at the telegram he was writing, found to
+his horror that he had written, "Situation quiet Tit-Tat-Toe. Hostile
+artillery activity normal Tit-Tat-Toe," and so on, substituting this
+abomination in place of the official stop, ("Ack-Ack-Ack") throughout.
+
+It was enough. Still gibbering, the Literary Adviser was hurled forth
+from the office and told to work his witchcraft in solitude.
+
+Paler, thinner and older by years he emerged from his retirement
+triumphant, and the new code names went forth to a flourish of trumpets
+or rather of the hooters of the despatch-riders.
+
+Then it began. For days he was subjected to rigorous criticisms of his
+selection. "Signals" tripped him up first by pointing out two units with
+the same name, and they also went on to point out that the word was
+spelt "cable" in the first instance and "cabal" in the second. The
+gunners, working in groups, complained bitterly that a babel had arisen
+through the similarity of the words allotted to their groups. One
+infuriated battery commander said it was as much as he could do to get
+anyone else on the telephone but himself.
+
+Touched to the quick by criticism (when was it ever otherwise amongst
+his kind?) the Adviser set aside his real work (he was, of course,
+writing a book about the War) and applied himself to, the task of
+straightening the tangle. Obviously the ideal combination would be for
+each unit to have a code name that nobody could mistake no matter how
+badly it was pronounced. And to this ideal he applied himself. Often, on
+fine afternoons, the serenity of the country-side was disturbed by the
+voice of one crying in the wilderness, "Soap--Silk--Salvage--Sympathy,"
+to see if any dangerous similarity existed. At dinner a glaze would
+suddenly come over his eyes, his lips would move involuntarily and
+mutter, as he gazed into vacancy, "Mustard--Mutton--Meat--Muffin."
+
+Histrionic effort played no small part in these attempts and
+led to a good deal of misunderstanding, for he felt it incumbent
+on him to try his codes in every possible dialect. Instead of
+the usual cheery "Good morning," a major of a famous Highland
+regiment was scandalised by an elderly subaltern blethering out,
+"Cannibal--Custard--Claymore--Caramel," in an abominable Scotch accent.
+Another day (on receipt of written orders) he was compelled to visit the
+line to see if things had been built as reported, or, if it was just
+optimism again. Half-an-hour later a sentry brought him down the trench
+at the point of the bayonet for muttering as he rounded the traverse,
+"Galoot--Gunning--Grumble--Grumpy," in pseudo-Wessex. Naturally, to
+Native Yorkshire this sounded like pure Bosch.
+
+Ah! but he won through in the end. The man who has stood five years of
+unsuccessful story-writing for magazines is not the kind to let himself
+be beaten easily. There could be no doubt of the final result. When the
+revised list was issued the response to the inquiry, "Hullo, is that
+Sink?" was met by a "No, this is Smack," that crashed through the
+thickest intellect.
+
+But vaulting ambition had o'erleapt itself. As a covering note to the
+new issue he had put up the following letter:--
+
+"Ref. G K etc., etc., of 10th inst. On November 3rd all previous issues
+of Code Names will be cancelled in favour of the more euphonious
+nomenclature which is forwarded herewith."
+
+A shriek of joy echoed through the corps. "Euphonious!" What a word!
+What a discovery in a foreign country! The joy of the signal operators,
+on whom something of the spirit of the old-time bus-drivers has
+descended, was indescribable. You had only to pick up the receiver at
+any time and the still small voices of the busy signal world could be
+heard chortling, "Hullo-oo? Hullo, Euphonious! How's your father?
+Yes, give me Crump." Or, "No, I can't get the General; he's left his
+euphonious receiver off."
+
+Poor Euphonious (he has never been called by anything else since)--they
+have threatened to make him O.C. Recreations for Troops.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BIRDS OF ILL OMEN.
+
+MR. PUNCH. "ONLY GOT HIM IN THE TAIL, SIR."
+
+THE MAN FROM WHITEHALL. "YES, BUT I MEAN TO GET THE NEXT ONE IN THE
+NECK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress_. "I HOPE YOU'RE DOING WHAT YOU CAN TO
+ECONOMISE THE FOOD."
+
+_Cook_. "OH, YES'M. WE'VE PUT THE CAT ON MILK-AN'-WATER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PARS WITH A PUNCH.
+
+ALL THE REAL NEWS ABOUT MEN, WOMEN AND THINGS.
+
+BY OUR RAMBLING GOSSIP.
+
+_(With acknowledgments to some of our contemporaries.)_
+
+_A Long-Felt Want._
+
+
+The opening, next week, of a Training School for Bus and Tube Travellers
+will, it is hoped, supply a long-felt want in the Metropolis. I
+understand that a month's course at the establishment will enable the
+feeblest of mortals to hold his own and more in the fearful mêlée that
+rages daily round train and vehicle. I have a prospectus before me as
+I write; here are some of its sub-heads: "The Strap-Hanger's
+Stranglehold," "Foot Frightfulness," "How to Enter a Bus Secretly," "The
+Umbrella Barrage," "Explosives--When their Use is Justified," "What to
+do when the Conductor Falls off the Bus." This certainly promises a
+speedy amelioration of present-day travelling conditions.
+
+
+_Timbuctoo Tosh_.
+
+Last week, when all those ridiculous rumours anent Timbuctoo were flying
+about, you will remember how I warned you to set no faith in them. You
+will admit that I was a good counsellor. Nothing _has_ happened at
+Timbuctoo. I doubt very much whether anything _could_ happen there.
+
+
+_Hush!_
+
+On the other hand, keep your eye on a spot not a thousand miles away
+from Clubland. Something will certainly happen there some day, and, when
+it does, bear in mind that I warned you.
+
+
+_Amazing Discovery._
+
+Mr. ROOSEVELT'S discovery that, unknown to himself, he has been blind in
+one eye for over a year, is surely surpassed by the experience of Mr.
+Caractacus Crowsfeet, the popular M.P. for Slushington, who has just
+learnt, as the result of a cerebral operation, that he possesses no
+brain whatever. "It is indeed remarkable," said Mr. C. to me the other
+day, "for I can truthfully assert that in all my arduous political
+labours of the past ten years I have never felt the need or even
+noticed the absence of this organ." He coughed modestly. "I have always
+maintained that in politics it is the man, not the mind, that counts."
+
+
+_She Has One!_
+
+Mrs. Zebulon Napthaliski proposes to spend the winter on her Brighton
+estate. "Yes--I _have_ received my sugar card," she told me, in answer
+to my eager query. "More than that I cannot say."
+
+
+_Fare and Foliage._
+
+That charming fashion of decorating the dinner-table with foliage will
+be all the rage this winter. Well-known London hostesses, basket on arm,
+may daily be seen in Mayfair garnering fallen leaves from lawn, path or
+roadside. Some very daring Society women are dispensing altogether with
+a cloth, the table being covered with a complete layer of leaves. I
+doubt, however, whether this will become popular, guests showing a
+tendency to mislay their knives and forks in the foliage.
+
+
+_A Bon Mot._
+
+Have you heard the latest _bon mot_ that is going the round of the
+clubs? Mrs. Savory Beet, of Pacifist fame, has, as you will recall,
+announced her intention of taking up war work. "Ah!" was the comment of
+a cynical bachelor, "it was a case of her taking up something or being
+taken up herself!" His audience simply screamed with laughter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Watch Out!_
+
+Don't be surprised if you hear of some sensational political
+developments in the near future. The Minister who said recently that
+the inevitable sequel to war was peace, was, in the opinion of those
+competent to judge but, by reason of their official position, unable to
+criticise, hinting at proposals which, if the signs and portents of the
+time go for anything, would have far-reaching effects on the question of
+Electoral Representation. I will say no more. Time alone will disclose
+my meaning.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Urchin (with an inborn terror of the Force)._ "Oo,
+MUVVER! IT WON'T, WILL IT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OMINOUS.
+
+    "----went every morning to a firm of sausage-makers by whom he was
+    employed as a horse-dealer."--_Irish Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Rome, Saturday.
+
+    "The announcement is made to-day of the award by the King [of Italy]
+    of gold medals to Lieutenant Giuseppe Castruccio and I sentence him
+    to three months' hard."--_Manchester Evening Chronicle_.
+
+When will British journalists learn not to interfere with the internal
+affairs of friendly nations?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAST MATCH.
+
+  This is the last, the very, very last.
+  Its gay companions, who so snugly lay
+  Within the corners of their fragile home,
+  All, all are lightly fled and surely gone;
+  And their survivor lingers in his pride,
+  The last of all the matches in the house;
+  For Mr. Siftings says he has no more,
+  And Siftings is an honourable man,
+  And would not state a fact that was not so.
+  For now he has himself to do without
+  The flaming boon of matches, having none,
+  And cannot furnish us as he desires,
+  Being a grocer and the best of men,
+  But murmurs vaguely of a future week
+  When matches shall be numerous again
+  As leaves in Vallombrosa and as cheap.
+  Blinks, the tobacconist, he too is spent
+  With weary waiting in a matchless land;
+  What Siftings cannot get cannot be got
+  By men like Blinks, that young tobacconist,
+  Who tried with all a patriot's fiery zeal
+  To join the Army, but was sent away
+  For varicose and too protuberant veins;
+  And being foiled of all his high intent
+  Now minds the shop and is a Volunteer,
+  Drilling on Sundays with the rest of them;
+  He too, amid his hoards of cigarettes,
+  Is void of matches as he's full of veins.
+  So here's a good match in a naughty world,
+  And what to do with it I do not know,
+  Save that somehow, when all the place is still,
+  It shall explode and spurt and flame and burn
+  Slowly away, not having thus achieved
+  The lighting of a pipe or any act
+  Of usefulness, but having spent itself
+  In lonely grandeur as befits the last
+  Of all the varied matches I have known.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR SAMSONS.
+
+    "Wanted at once.--Reliable Man for carrying off motor
+    lorry."--_Clitheroe Advertiser_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To-day the man possesses a second tumb, serviceable for all
+    ordinary purposes."--_Belfast Evening Telegraph_.
+
+In these days of restricted rations it seems a superflous luxury.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Diamond Brooch, 15 cwt., set with three blue white diamonds; make a
+    handsome present; £9 9s."--_Derby Daily Telegraph_.
+
+It seems a lot for the money; but personally we would sooner have the
+same weight of coals.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WAY DOWN.
+
+SYDNEY SMITH, or NAPOLEON or MARCUS AURELIUS (somebody about that time)
+said that after ten days any letter would answer itself. You see what
+he meant. Left to itself your invitation from the Duchess to lunch next
+Tuesday is no longer a matter to worry about by Wednesday morning. You
+were either there or not there; it is unnecessary to write now and say
+that a previous invitation from the PRIME MINISTER--and so on. It was
+NAPOLEON'S idea (or Dr. JOHNSON'S or MARK ANTONY'S--one of that circle)
+that all correspondence can be treated in this manner.
+
+I have followed these early Masters (or whichever one it was) to the
+best of my ability. At any given moment in the last few years there have
+been ten letters that I absolutely _must_ write, thirty which I _ought_
+to write, and fifty which any other person in my position _would_ have
+written. Probably I have written two. After all, when your profession
+is writing, you have some excuse on returning home in the evenings for
+demanding a change of occupation. No doubt if I were a coal-heaver by
+day, my wife would see to the fire after dinner while I wrote letters.
+As it is, she does the correspondence, while I gaze into the fire and
+think about things.
+
+You will say, no doubt, that this was all very well before the War, but
+that in the Army a little writing would be a pleasant change after the
+day's duties. Allow me to disillusion you. If, three years ago, I ever
+conceived a glorious future in which my autograph might be of value to
+the more promiscuous collectors, that conception has now been shattered.
+Three years in the Army has absolutely spoilt the market. Even were
+I revered in the year 2,000 A.D. as SHAKSPEARE is revered now, my
+half-million autographs, scattered so lavishly on charge-sheets, passes,
+chits, requisitions, indents and applications would keep the price at a
+dead level of about ten a penny. No, I have had enough of writing in
+the Army and I never want to sign my own name again. "Yours sincerely,
+HERBERT ASQUITH," "Faithfully yours, J. JELLICOE"--these by all means;
+but not my own.
+
+However, I wrote a letter the other day; it was to the bank. It informed
+them that I had arrived in London for a time and should be troubling
+them again shortly, London being to all appearances an expensive place.
+It also called attention to my new address--a small furnished flat in
+which Celia and I can just turn round if we do it separately. When
+it was written, there came the question of posting it. I was all for
+waiting till the next morning, but Celia explained that there was
+actually a letter-box on our own floor, twenty yards down the passage. I
+took the letter along and dropped it into the slit.
+
+Then a wonderful thing happened. It went
+
+_Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-
+flipperty-flipperty-flipperty--FLOP._
+
+I listened intently, hoping for more ... but that was all. Deeply
+disappointed that it was over, but absolutely thrilled with my
+discovery, I hurried back to Celia.
+
+"Any letters you want posted?" I said in an off-hand way.
+
+"No, thank you," she said.
+
+"Have you written any while we've been here?"
+
+"I don't think I've had anything to write."
+
+"I think," I said reproachfully, "it's quite time you wrote to
+your--your bank or your mother or somebody."
+
+She looked at me and seemed to be struggling for words.
+
+"I know exactly what you're going to say," I said, "but don't say it;
+write a little letter instead."
+
+"Well, as a matter of fact I _must_ just write a note to the laundress."
+
+"To the laundress," I said. "Of course, just a note."
+
+When it was written I insisted on her coming with me to post it. With
+great generosity I allowed her to place it in the slit. A delightful
+thing happened. It went
+
+_Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-
+flipperty-flipperty-flipperty--FLOP._
+
+Right down to the letter-box in the hall. Two flipperties a floor. (A
+simple calculation shows that we are perched on the fifth floor. I am
+glad now that we live so high. It must be very dull to be on the fourth
+floor with only eight flipperties, unbearable to be on the first with
+only two.)
+
+"_O-oh!_ How _fas_-cinating!" said Celia.
+
+"Now don't you think you ought to write to your mother?"
+
+"Oh, I _must_."
+
+She wrote. We posted it. It went
+
+_Flipperty-flipperty_----However, you know all about that now.
+
+Since this great discovery of mine, life has been a more pleasurable
+business. We feel now that there are romantic possibilities about
+letters setting forth on their journey from our floor. To start life
+with so many flipperties might lead to anything. Each time that we send
+a letter off we listen in a tremble of excitement for the final FLOP,
+and when it comes I think we both feel vaguely that we are still
+waiting for something. We are waiting to hear some magic letter go
+_flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty_ ... and behold! there is
+no FLOP ... and still it goes on--_flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-
+flipperty_--growing fainter in the distance ... until it arrives at
+some wonderland of its own. One day it must happen so. For we cannot
+listen always for that FLOP, and hear it always; nothing in this world
+is as inevitable as that. One day we shall look at each other with awe
+in our faces and say, "But it's still flipperting!" and from that time
+forward the Hill of Campden will be a place holy and enchanted. Perhaps
+on Midsummer Eve--
+
+At any rate I am sure that it is the only way in which to post a letter
+to Father Christmas.
+
+Well, what I want to say is this: if I have been a bad correspondent in
+the past I am a good one now; and Celia, who was always a good one, is
+a better one. It takes at least ten letters a day to satisfy us, and we
+prefer to catch ten different posts. With the ten in your hand together
+there is always a temptation to waste them in one wild rush of
+flipperties, all catching each other up. It would be a great moment, but
+I do not think we can afford it yet; we must wait until we get even more
+practised at letter-writing. And even then I am doubtful; for it might
+be that, lost in the confusion of that one wild rush, the magic letter
+would start on its way--_flipperty-flipperty_--to the never-land, and we
+should forever have missed it.
+
+So, friends, acquaintances, yes, and even strangers. I beg you now to
+give me another chance. I will answer your letters, how gladly. I
+still think that NAPOLEON (or CANUTE or the younger PLINY--one of the
+pre-Raphaelites) took a perfectly correct view of his correspondence ...
+but then _he_ Never had a letter-box which went
+
+_Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-
+flipperty-flipperty-flipperty--FLOP._
+
+A.A.M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE H.D. AND Q. DEPARTMENT.
+
+    "Major-General F.G. Bond is gazetted Director of Quartering at the
+    War Office."
+
+Pacifists beware!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "DIRTY WORK AT DOWNING STREET. BY HORATIO BOTTOMLEY."
+
+    _John Bull._
+
+They shouldn't have let him in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Officer._ "WHY WERE YOU NOT AT ROLL-CALL LAST NIGHT?"
+
+_Defaulter._ "WELL, SIR, WITH THIS 'ERE CAMP CAMOUFLAGED SO MUCH, I
+COULDN'T FIND MY WAY OUT OF THE CANTEEN."]
+
+COUNTER TACTICS.
+
+About a year ago I paid a visit to my hosier and haberdasher with
+the intention of purchasing a few things with which to tide over
+the remaining months of winter. After the preliminary discussion of
+atmospherics had been got through, the usual raffle of garments was
+spread about for my inspection. I viewed it dispassionately. Then,
+discarding the little vesties of warm-blooded youth and the double-width
+vestums of rheumatic old age, I chose several commonplace woollen
+affairs and was preparing to leave when my hosier and haberdasher leaned
+across the counter and whispered in my ear.
+
+"If I may advise you, Sir, you would be wise to make a large selection
+of these articles. We do not expect to replace them."
+
+He glanced cautiously at an elderly gentleman who was stirring up a box
+of ties, then, lowering his voice another semitone, added, "The mills
+are now being used exclusively for Government work." He insinuated the
+death-sentence effect very cleverly, and at that moment, coming to his
+support, as it were, the old gentleman tottered up, seized upon two
+garments and carried them off from under my very fingers. As he went out
+a middle-aged lady entered and made straight for the residue upon the
+counter. A feeling of panic came upon me. "Right you are," I exclaimed
+hurriedly, "I'll take the lot." As a matter of fact she only wanted a
+pair of gloves for her nephew in France.
+
+A few days later, still having the wool shortage in mind, I approached
+my hosier and haberdasher on the subject of shirts. For a second or two
+he looked thoughtfully at the toe of his boot. Then coming suddenly to a
+decision he disappeared stealthily into the back premises, from which
+he presently emerged carrying a large bale of flannel, which he cast
+caber-wise upon the counter.
+
+"There," he said triumphantly, "I don't suppose there's another piece of
+flannel like that in the country." He fingered it with an expert touch.
+
+"You don't say so," I said as I rubbed it reverently between my finger
+and thumb, just to show that he wasn't the only one who could do it.
+
+"I'm afraid it's only too true," he confessed, "and I may add that,
+after we have sold out our present stocks, flannel of any kind will be
+absolutely unobtainable."
+
+"None at all?" I asked, horror-struck at the vision of my public life in
+1920--a bow cravat over a double-width vestum.
+
+He shook his head and smiled wisely.
+
+I am instinctively against hoarding, but I knew that if I did not buy it
+Jones would, and then some fine day, when nobody else had a shirt left,
+he would swagger about and make my life intolerable. This decided me and
+I bought the piece.
+
+A few days later it occurred to me that it might be advisable to lay
+down some socks. My idea was in perfect unison with that of my hosier
+and haberdasher. Socks were going to be unprocurable in a few months. I
+patted myself on the back and bought up the 1916 vintage of Llama-Llama
+footwear. The following week thirty-seven shirts arrived and I had to
+buy a new chest-of-drawers.
+
+This, as I have stated before, was about a year ago. Yesterday I paid my
+hosier and haberdasher another visit. If all the bone factories had not
+been too exclusively engaged, etc., etc., I wished to buy a collar stud.
+There was an elderly man standing in the shop. He was quite alone,
+contemplating a mountain of garments. There were little vesties,
+double-width vestums, and ordinary woollen affairs.
+
+You could have knocked me over with a dress-sock.
+
+And where was my hosier and haberdasher? Had the stranger--just awakened
+to the value of his possessions--entered the shop and suddenly cast all
+this treasure upon the counter? I imagined the shock of this procedure
+on a man like my hosier and haberdasher, whose heart was perhaps a
+trifle woolly. Had he collapsed? I glanced surreptitiously behind a
+parapet of clocked socks.
+
+A moment later, from somewhere in the back premises, he appeared
+carrying a large bale of flannel, which he cast caber-wise upon the
+counter. I was dumbfounded.
+
+Then I knew the truth.
+
+"Sir," I said, turning to the stranger, "I believe you are about to make
+a selection from these articles (I indicated them individually), which
+you imagine to be the last of their race?"
+
+He nodded at me in a bewildered sort of way.
+
+"In a few months," I continued remorselessly, "they will be absolutely
+unprocurable" (he gave a start of recognition), "and you, having bought
+them, will sneak through life with the feelings of a food-hoarder,
+mingled with those of the man who slew the last Camberwell Beauty.
+I know the state of mind. But you need not distress yourself. These
+garments (I indicated them again) will only be unprocurable because they
+are in your possession. I have about half-a-ton myself, which, until a
+few minutes age, would have been quite unprocurable. But I have changed
+my mind and, if you will come with me, you can take your choice with
+a clear conscience, and (I glanced maliciously at my faded hosier and
+haberdasher) at the prices which were prevalent a year ago."
+
+I linked my arm with that of the stranger, and together we passed out of
+the shop into the unpolluted light of day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mother (to child who has been naughty)._ "AREN'T YOU
+RATHER ASHAMED OF YOURSELF?"
+
+_Child._ "WELL, MOTHER, I WASN'T. BUT NOW THAT YOU'VE SUGGESTED IT I
+AM."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRETENDING.
+
+  I know a magic woodland with grassy rides that ring
+  To strange fantastic music and whirr of elfin wing,
+  There all the oaks and beeches, moss-mantled to the knees,
+  Are really fairy princes pretending to be trees.
+
+  I know a magic moorland with wild winds drifting by,
+  And pools among the peat-hags that mirror back the sky;
+  And there in golden bracken the fronds that toss and turn
+  Are really little people pretending to be fern.
+
+  I wander in the woodland, I walk the magic moor;
+  Sometimes I meet with fairies, sometimes I'm not so sure;
+  And oft I pause and wonder among the green and gold
+  If I am not a child again--pretending to be old.
+
+W.H.O.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is understood that the FOOD-CONTROLLER has protested against the
+forcible feeding of hunger-strikers. If they want to commit the Yappy
+Dispatch, why shouldn't they?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ST. GEORGE OUT-DRAGONS THE DRAGON. [With Mr. Punch's
+jubilant compliments to Sir DOUGLAS HAIG and his Tanks.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, November 19th._--Such a rush of Peers to the House of Commons
+has seldom been seen. Lord WIMBORNE, who knows something of congested
+districts, arrived early and secured the coveted seat over the clock.
+Lord CURZON, holding a watching brief for the War Cabinet, was only just
+in time to secure a place; and Lord COURTNEY and several others found
+"standing room only." If we have many more crises Sir ALFRED MOND will
+have to make provision for strap-hangers.
+
+There was very little sign of passion in Mr. ASQUITH'S measured
+criticism of the Allied Council and of the PRIME MINISTER'S speech on
+the subject in Paris. His foil was carefully buttoned, and though it
+administered a shrewd thrust now and again it was not intended to draw
+blood.
+
+At first the PRIME MINISTER followed this excellent example, and
+contented himself with defending, and incidentally re-composing, his
+Paris oration. The Allied Council, as now depicted, was a horse of
+quite another colour from what it seemed in Paris. A further example of
+_camouflage_, I suppose.
+
+Only when he came to deal with his Press critics did he let himself go,
+to the delight of the House, which loves him in his swashbuckling mood.
+As he confessed, however, that he had deliberately made "a disagreeable
+speech" in Paris in order to get it talked about, the Press will
+probably consider itself absolved.
+
+_Tuesday, November 20th._--Like John Bull, as represented in last week's
+cartoon, Lord LAMINGTON has arrived at the conclusion that compulsory
+rationing must come, and the sooner the better. Lord RHONDDA, however,
+is still hopeful that John will tighten his own belt, and save him the
+trouble. "More Yapping and Less Biting" should be our motto. But if we
+fail to live up to it, the machinery for compulsory rationing is all
+ready. Indeed, according to Lord DEVONPORT, it has been ready since
+April last, when an "S.O.S." to the local authorities was on the point
+of being sent, but a timely increase in imports stopped it.
+
+Nobody doubts Commander WEDGWOOD'S essential patriotism; he has proved
+it like a knight of old on his body; but he is unfortunate in some of
+his political associates, who take advantage of his good-nature. A book
+with a preface by himself had been seized by the police on suspicion of
+being seditious, and he loudly demanded to be prosecuted. But Sir GEORGE
+CAVE was not inclined to set up a legal presumption that the writer of a
+preface is responsible for the rest of the book. If he were, a good many
+"forewords" would, I imagine, never have been written.
+
+_Wednesday, November 21st._--By a strange oversight the Royal Marines
+were not specifically mentioned in the recent Vote of Thanks to the
+Services. Apparently the fact that this country is proud of them is one
+of those things that must not be told to the Marines. But Dr. MACNAMARA
+assured the House that the omission should now be repaired.
+
+[Illustration: "His foil was carefully buttoned."
+
+MR. ASQUITH.]
+
+There has been a shortage of provisions in the city where _Lady Godiva_
+suffered from a shortage of clothes. Mr. CLYNES was prompt with a
+remedy. A representative of the FOOD-CONTROLLER has already been sent to
+Coventry.
+
+Conscientious Objectors found a doughty champion in Lord HUGH CECIL.
+Rarely has an unpopular case been fortified with a greater wealth of
+legal, historical and ethical argument. Only once, when he accused Mr.
+BONAR LAW of holding the same doctrine as Herr BETHMANN-HOLLWEG, did he
+lose, for a moment, the sympathy of his audience. But he soon recovered
+himself, and thereafter held the House rapt with Cecilian harmonies.
+
+To such a lofty plane, indeed, had the debate been lifted that Mr.
+RONALD MCNEILL, tall as he is, had some difficulty in bringing it down
+to earth again; and when the division was called the spell was still
+working, and in a very big House the "Conchies" only lost their votes by
+thirty-eight.
+
+_Thursday, November 22nd._--Pending the introduction of the promised
+censorship of Parliamentary Questions, Mr. JOSEPH KING is working
+overtime. No story is too fantastically impossible to find a shelter
+under his hospitable hat. To-day it was a secret treaty between the
+Russian Government (old style) and the French Republic, by which Belgium
+was to be compensated at the expense of Holland. Lord ROBERT CECIL
+denounced it as an invention of the enemy. But I don't suppose the
+denial had the smallest effect upon Mr. KING, who probably went off and
+dined heartily on a magnum of mare's-nest soup.
+
+A tremendous accession to the ranks of the Sinn Feiners has been
+narrowly averted. When Members read the menu which, according to Major
+NEWMAN, the Irish Government has adopted for political prisoners--three
+good square meals a day, including an egg, ten ounces of meat, a pound
+and a half of bread, two pints and a half of milk, and real butter--they
+were strongly minded to enlist under Mr. DE VALERA'S banner and get
+themselves arrested forthwith. But Mr. DUKE'S emphatic denial shattered
+their dream of repletion at the taxpayers' expense.
+
+A final attempt to get proportional representation included in the
+Franchise Bill was heavily defeated. In a dashing attempt to save it Sir
+MARK SYKES declared that the old Eatanswill methods of electioneering
+had gone for ever--"no mouth was large enough to kiss thirty thousand
+babies." But the majority of the House seemed to be more impressed by
+the self-sacrificing argument of that eminent temperance advocate, Sir
+THOMAS WHITTAKER, who feared that "P.R." would lead to an increase in
+"milk-and-water politicians."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALWAYS SOMETHING NEW FROM AFRICA.
+
+    "A Belgian East African communiqué says that before the converging
+    advance of the Anglo-German Belgian columns, the enemy retired to
+    the south bank of the Kilimbero."--_Mombasa Times._
+
+We seem to have met some of these Anglo-German columns in the Pacifist
+Press.
+
+    "Our machines then bombed the General, in which the
+    German Head-quarters at Constantinople are reported to be
+    situated."--_Times._
+
+The General must have been stout, even for a German.
+
+    "Not having regained consciousness the police are left with little
+    tangible evidence to work upon."--_Daily Telegraph._
+
+Let us hope they will soon come to.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HOW TO UTILISE OUR SKILLED CRAFTSMEN.
+
+_First Lieutenant._ "WHAT WAS THIS MAN BEFORE HE JOINED?"
+
+_Petty Officer._ "OPTICIAN, SIR."
+
+_First Lieutenant._ "WHAT HAD WE BETTER GIVE HIM TO DO?"
+
+_Petty Officer._ "THERE'S THEM PRISMATIC SPOTTING GLASSES, SIR. THE
+LEATHER STRAP IS BROKEN OFF THEM. HE COULD SPLICE IN A PIECE O' COD
+LINE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_LE POILU DE CARCASSONNE._
+
+  THE _poilus_ of France on the Western Front are brave as brave can be,
+  Whether they hail from rich Provence or from ruined Picardie;
+  It's the self-same heart from the lazy Loire and the busy banks of Seine,
+  Undaunted by perpetual mud or cold or gas or pain;
+  And all are as gay as men know how whose wealth and friends are gone,
+  But the gayest of all is a little white dog that came from Carcassonne.
+
+  He was brought as a pup by a _Midi_ man to a sector along the Aisne,
+  But his man laid the wire one pitch-black night and never came back again.
+  The pup stood by with one ear down and the other a question mark,
+  And at times he licked his dead friend's face and at times he tried to bark,
+  Till the listening sentry heard the sound, and when the daylight shone
+  He looked abroad and cried, "_Bon Guieu! C'est le poilu de Carcassonne!_"
+
+  So the dead man's _copains_ kept the dog on the strength of the company.
+  And whoever went short it was not the pup, though a greedy pup was he;
+  They gave him their choicest bits of _sinje_ and drops of _pinard_ too;
+  He was warm and safe when he crept beneath a cloak of horizon-blue;
+  They clipped fresh _brisques_ in his rough white coat as the weary months
+  dragged on,
+  And all the sector knows him now as _le Poilu de Carcassonne_.
+
+  And in return he keeps their hearts from that haunting foe, _l'ennui_;
+  He's their plaything, friend, and sentry too, and a lover of devilry;
+  He helps them to hunt out rats or Boches; he burrows and sniffs for mines,
+  And he growls when the murderous shrapnel flies screaming above the lines;
+  His little black nose is a-quiver with glee whenever a raid is on,
+  And they say with pride, "_C'est la guerre elle-même, notre Poilu de
+  Carcassonne!_"
+
+  There was none more glad when they went to rest in their billet, a
+  ruined shack,
+  But when they returned to the front-line trench he was just as pleased
+  to be back;
+  He's the spirit of fun itself, and so when other men feel blue,
+  His friends remark, "_Le cafard, quoi? On l'connait pas chez nous!_"
+  So when you drink to the valiant French and the glorious fights they've won
+  Just raise your glass to a little white dog that came from Carcassonne.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"LOYALTY."
+
+If you are a pernickety intellectual (_soi-disant_) you may really
+permit yourself to be faintly amused at the fiery zeal of the
+mystery-wrapt author of _Loyalty_ for his (or, quite possibly, her)
+country's cause in this difficult hour. If you are cast in the common
+human mould that nowadays is seen for the glorious thing it is, you will
+respond to many single-minded, wholesome thoughts in the impassioned
+statement of his thesis. And if you happen to belong to that simple
+discredited breed, the English, so long overshadowed by the nimbler
+Britons, you may have quite a nice little private thrill of your own,
+a thrill of pride in your precious stone, and begin to think with
+seriousness of the advantages of "home rule all round" in an
+England-for-the-English mood, and of the value of a nationalism that is
+as irrational as conjugal or mother love--and as fine.
+
+The author's hero is an Englishman of the wandering type, assistant
+editor on a crank paper. The play is a protracted debate in four
+sessions, June, 1914; July, 1914; August, 1914; September, 1916. And
+here the author makes his most serious mistake, the mistake made by Mr.
+HENRY ARTHUR JONES in his recent squib. If he had contrived his Little
+Navy folk, the proprietor, editor and revolving cranks as something
+more than mere caricatures, brands of straw prepared for his consuming
+bonfires, he would have strengthened, not weakened, his excellent case.
+He has quoted his enemies' mistakes without their excuses, their texts
+without their contexts. And that is a form of propaganda which can only
+touch the converted, or such of them as are not stirred by a sporting
+instinct to a certain mood of protest and a wish that the other fellow
+should be given a better start in the heresy hunt.
+
+The _dramatis personae_, then, divide themselves into the men of straw
+and the right sort. Of the former you have first _Sir Andrew Craig_,
+chairman of the party in his constituency and editor of _The New
+Standard_ (there were indeed altogether new standards of efficiency,
+mentality and hospitality in that rather imaginative newspaper office of
+the First Act). Mr. FISHER WHITE gave us the courtly-obstinate old man
+to the life (this player has a way of removing straw). In the dramatic
+passage in which, returning after being broken in a German prison, he
+relates some of the horrors of which it is good for us to be reminded,
+he rose to the height of his fine talent. His exquisite elocution--a
+remarkable feat of virtuosity--was in itself a sheer delight.
+
+_Mr. Stutchbury_, the editor, pacifist and sentimental democrat, was
+dealt to Mr. LENNOX PAWLE. He played his hand well. There was never such
+an editor outside Bedlam; but Mr. PAWLE is a resourceful person and by a
+score of clever tricks of gesture and business made a reasonable figure
+of fun for our obloquy. All but broken in the end, but still claiming
+that he had "the larger vision" (as he certainly had the larger
+diameter), there was a certain dignity of pathos in his exit, a late
+_amende_ by an otherwise remorseless puppet-maker. Mr. SYDNEY PAXTON
+as a pillar of Nonconformity offered a clever study in the
+unctuous-grotesque; Mr. VINCENT STERNROYD sketched a portrait of a
+nut-consuming impenitent disarmamentist. The author is the first, so far
+as I know, to give public emphasis to the queer fact of natural
+history that there is some connection between extreme opinions and the
+prominence of the Adam's apple of the holder of them--a fact on which I
+have often pondered.
+
+Mr. M. MORAND, the aggressive Scots member of the election committee,
+inspired to great heights of insobriety by the return of his
+London-Scottish nephew from the Front, sounded a welcome human note, as
+did Mr. SAM LIVESEY, the Labour Member of the committee, shaken out of
+his detachment into an extreme explicitness of language by a Zeppelin
+raid experience. Mr. GEORGE BELLAMY'S Welsh Disestablisher and Mr.
+GRIFFITH HUMPHREYS' exuberant German press-agent of the pre-war period
+were both really shrewd studies.
+
+Of the right sort there were but five--and one of these, the editor's
+secretary, at heart an honest patriot, but in fact eating the bread of
+shame, was perhaps not altogether of the right sort. Still he did get
+off his chest at last the pent-up passion of years, and very well he did
+it, with the help of Mr. RANDLE AYRTON, whose subtle little touches,
+building up a picture of a disheartened hack, were very adroit indeed.
+
+Then there was young _Henry Craig_, at the beginning an undergraduate in
+his last term, at the end a V.C. in his last resting-place. Mr. PERCIVAL
+CLARKE'S was an adequate pleasant study. So also was Mr. PHILIP
+ANTHONY'S of a Canadian, full of strange idioms, who butted in to just
+the wrong corner of Fleet Street to put the editor wise about the
+intentions of a Germany in which he had spent his last two years. And
+then there was splendidly English _Frank Aylett_, exile returned,
+unspoilt by the cynicism of party and paper, whose fortune came to him
+just at the psychological moment, enabling him to give his proprietor
+notice and fight and win a by-election in the astonied man's own
+constituency, besides carrying off his daughter (Miss VIOLA TREE), who
+was the fifth of the right sort. What more plausible English hero than
+Mr. C. AUBREY SMITH, except that he had to talk a good deal more than
+seemed appropriate to his type? There was a well-managed post-election
+scene when he was at his best (as was the author). And all through there
+was good and sometimes glorious sense for those to hear who had ears.
+
+The programme promised us about a month's interval between Acts I. and
+II. It was actually less than that; but if Mr. J.H. SQUIRE's musicianly
+orchestra had not been there to charm us we might conceivably have been
+bored.
+
+T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LIGHTER SIDE OF EDITORIAL LIFE.
+
+_Frank Aylett_ . . . . . . . . MR. C. AUBREY SMITH.
+
+_Anthea Craig_ . . . . . . . . MISS VIOLA TREE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.
+
+    "FOR SALE.--A 45 H.P., 6 cyl.--Car, touring body, fitted with every
+    latest convenience. Exceptionally well sprung. Just purchased by
+    owner and run under 1,000 miles. Guaranteed over 25-galls. to the
+    mile by Agents. Rs. 11,000."--_Indian Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "DIVERSION" IN THE BALKANS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEROES.
+
+If the question were put to a company of young women, "What is the most
+thrilling experience you can have in a London street?" the odds are
+a thousand to one that they would reply that nothing could be more
+thrilling than to meet a famous actor in plain clothes and identify him.
+I am not a young woman myself, but I should be inclined to share their
+opinion. There is something about an actor in real life, moving along
+like a human being--one of us--that always stirs my pulse. It is
+exciting enough to see Mr. LLOYD GEORGE or Mr. ASQUITH or Sir OLIVER
+LODGE; but no one stirs the imagination like an actor.
+
+That is why I still tremble a little whenever I think of my good fortune
+the other afternoon in the Haymarket, and why my pen shakes as I
+commit the adventure to paper. For I met face to face two of the most
+successful actors in London--at the present moment, in the world.
+
+I was walking up the Haymarket in the rain, hoping, in spite of the new
+prohibitive rates, that I might see an empty cab, when I met them coming
+down. They were walking with a man whom I did not recognise, and, like
+me, were getting wet. One thinks of successful actors as riding always
+in taxis; but taxis are very rare nowadays, particularly in the wet, and
+somehow it did not seem unnatural that they should be on foot. I am glad
+enough that they were, or I should have missed my _frisson_; and others
+would have suffered a similar loss, for the recognition was not only on
+my part but on that of several passers-by, and it was instantaneous.
+Indeed, I heard one lady tell her companion the name of the play they
+are in and the extraordinary length of its run, and since she spoke
+loudly I thought how delightful it must be to be a theatrical celebrity
+and hear cordial things like that as you move about. Neither of them
+paid any attention, however, although their friend showed signs that
+the flattery had not escaped him; the two Illustrions (to coin a word)
+merely walked on, superior to our homage, and disappeared into Charles
+Street, where the stage door of His Majesty's is.
+
+Pouring though it was, and grovelling admirer of footlight favourites as
+I am, somehow I never thought to offer either of them my umbrella. But
+then one doesn't offer an umbrella to a donkey or a camel, even though
+they are two of the stars of _Chu Chin Chow_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER INJUSTICE.
+
+From a Sinn Fein speech:--
+
+    "When Ireland was silent England did not hear her cry
+    out."--_Wicklow News-Letter_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WHY SHOULD A RABBIT COST 2s. 3d.?
+
+    "This question from a reader induces me to postpone until next week
+    my analysis of the high cost of onions."--_Empire News_.
+
+On the principle that it is better to make sure of the rabbit before
+arranging about the stuffing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Stockholm, Tuesday.
+
+    "News from Finland shows that the Socialist leaders have lost control
+    of the workmen, and all kinds of excesses are taking place. The
+    present Commandant at Tornea was a sailor, the head of the
+    passport office was a tailor, and the chief telegraphic censor a
+    tinker."--_Central News_.
+
+We miss the soldier, to say nothing of "apothecary, ploughboy, thief."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Scholars and tragedians between them seem to have appropriated
+    the right to keep Shakespeare's memory green. But there are other
+    Richmonds in the field, humble Richmonds, not well read ... John of
+    Gaunt, crying that his England 'never did nor never shall lie at the
+    proud foot of a conqueror....'"--_The Times_.
+
+The writer who thus deprived the _Bastard_ in _King John_ of his famous
+lines was, we infer, one of the "other Richmonds."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGAR.
+
+AN ELEGIAC ODE.
+
+  Queen of the palate! Universal Sweet!
+  Gastronomy's delectable Gioconda!
+  Since with submission loyally I greet
+  And follow out the regimen of RHONDDA,
+  I cannot be considered indiscreet
+  If I essay, but never go beyond, a
+  Brief elegiac tribute to a sway
+  By sterner needs now largely swept away.
+
+  Thy candy soothes the infant in its pram;
+  Thou addest mellowness to old brown sherry;
+  Thou glorifiest marmalade, on Cam
+  And Isis making breakfast-tables merry;
+  Thou lendest magic to the meanest jam
+  Compounded of the most insipid berry;
+  And canst convert the sourest crabs and quinces
+  To jellies fit for epicures and princes.
+
+  Thou charmest unalloyed, in loaf or lumps
+  Or crystals; brown and moist, or white and pounded;
+  I never was so deeply in the dumps
+  That, once thy fount of sweetness I had sounded,
+  Courage returned not; even with the mumps
+  I still could view with gratitude unbounded
+  The navigators of heroic Spain
+  Who found the New World--and the sugar-cane.
+
+  Sprinkled on buttered bread thou dost excite
+  In human boys insatiable cravings;
+  On Turkish (I regret to say) Delight
+  Thou lurest them to dissipate their savings,
+  Instead of banking them, or sitting tight,
+  Or buying useful books and good engravings;
+  And lastly, mixed with strawberries and cream,
+  Thou art more than a dish, thou art a dream.
+
+  Before necessity, that knows no ruth,
+  Ordained thy frugal use in tea and coffee,
+  Some Stoics banned thee--men who in their youth
+  Showed an unnatural dislike of toffee;
+  For sweetness charms the normal human tooth,
+  Sweetness inspires the singer's tenderest strophe,
+  Since old LUCRETIUS musically chid
+  The curse of life--_amari aliquid_.
+
+  _Eau sucrée_, I admit, is rather tame
+  Compared with beer or whisky blent with soda;
+  But gallant Frenchmen, experts at this game,
+  Commend it highly either as a _coda_
+  Or prelude to their meals, and much the same
+  Is sherbet, which the Gaekwar of Baroda
+  And other Oriental satraps quaff
+  In preference to ale or half-and-half.
+
+  Nor must I fail, O potent saccharin!
+  Thou chemic offspring of by-products coaly,
+  Late comer on the culinary scene,
+  To hail thy aid, although it may be lowly
+  Even compared with beet; for thou hast been
+  Employed in sweetening my roly-poly--
+  Thou whom I once regarded as a dose
+  And now the active rival of glucose!
+
+  But still I hear some jaundiced critic say,
+  Some rigid self-appointed _censor morum_,
+  "Why harp upon the pleasures of a day
+  When freely sweetened was each cup and jorum,
+  Ere stern controllers had begun to stay
+  The genial outflow of the _fons leporum?_
+  Now sugar's scarce, and we must do without it,
+  Why let regretful fancy play about it?"
+
+  True, yet it greatly goes against the grain,
+  Unless one has the patience of Ulysses,
+  Wholly and resolutely to refrain
+  From dwelling on the memory of past blisses;
+  Forbidden fruits allure the strong and sane;
+  Joys loved but lost are what one chiefly misses;
+  This is my best excuse if I deplore
+  "So sad, so _sweet_, the days that are no more."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'TATERS.
+
+SCENE: _At "The Plough and Horses_."
+
+"You seen Parson lately, George?"
+
+"Not lately I ain't, Luther."
+
+"Not since 'is 'taters be out o' ground?"
+
+"No. Finest crop in village, some do say."
+
+"That be right--sev'ral ton of 'em there be."
+
+"What to goodness do 'e want 'em all for, then? 'Im an' 's wife an' a
+maid 'll never eat all them 'taters."
+
+"I'll tell you what 'e says to me, for 'appen 'e'll say it to you,
+George, when 'e comes acrost you next. 'E says to me, 'I've growed
+as many potatoes as I've had strength to grow, an' they've prospered
+exceedin'ly,' 'e says, 'thank God! So if any deservin' folk in my parish
+gets through wi' their own crop an' wants more later on they 'as only to
+come to me, for I've growed more 'an my 'ouse'old 'll eat if they was to
+eat all day.'"
+
+"'E be proud o' that?"
+
+"Fine an' proud 'e be."
+
+"An' yet it be some'at unfort'nate too. For all of us as is left in this
+'ere parish 'as growed as many 'taters as they'll be like to need, same
+as 'e. So I don't see nought but disappointment for Parson an' a lot o'
+good 'taters lyin' to rot in their pies."
+
+"Some there be too fond o' Parson to let that 'appen. Me an' my wife
+be sendin' few of ours to London ev'ry week or so. So in due season we
+shall be free to go to Parson an' 'elp 'im through wi' 'is, same as 'e
+wants us to. I 'ears as others is doin' some'at the same as us--fear is
+as too many'll tumble to the idea, which is why I'd 'ave you keep it
+fro' goin' further, George."
+
+"Silent as th' grave I'll be. So you're givin' your 'taters 'way to
+please Parson? Yet I do allus say as 'taters what a man grows wi' sweat
+of 'is own brow do beat all others in t' eatin'."
+
+"That may be; but us can't afford to be so mighty pernickerty in time o'
+war. Nor we ain't givin' nothin 'way in manner o' speakin'. Fair market
+price they gives for 'em in London. So it be somethin' in 'and in these
+'ard times as well as savin' Parson from a bitter disappointment what 'e
+ain't done nothin' to deserve, so far as I can see."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Two organ grinders, aged 23 and 16, were taken to Charing Cross
+    Hospital to-day with bad injuries and severe shock, the result of a
+    barrel organ getting out of control in Rosebery-avenue."--_Evening
+    Paper_.
+
+They should try a less dangerous instrument next time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'Seed potatoes' means potatoes grown in Scotland or Ireland in the
+    year 1917, or grown in England or Wales in the year 1917 from seed
+    grown in Scotland or Ireland in the year 1916, which will pass
+    through a riddle having a 1-5/8-in. mesh, and will not pass through
+    a riddle having a 1-5/8-in. mesh."--_Journal of the Board of
+    Agriculture_.
+
+We ourselves cannot get through any riddle of this kind.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sergeant (instructing squad of volunteers in physical
+drill)._ "THIS 'ERE HEXERCISE IS INTENDED TO 'ARDEN THE MUSCLES OF
+THE STUMMICK AND MAKE IT HIMPERVIOUS TO GERMAN BULLETS HIN CASE OF
+HINVASION."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_(By Mr, Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_
+
+It is difficult within the ordinary limits of a review in these columns
+to say all that one feels or even to express adequately one's gratitude
+after reading the two volumes of Lord MORLEY'S generous and delightful
+_Recollections_ (MACMILLAN). I seem to have been sitting with him in a
+large and comfortable library while the great Viscount rolled me out his
+mind, now breaking out into a glowing eulogy of GEORGE MEREDITH, JOSEPH
+CHAMBERLAIN or LESLIE STEPHEN, or again dashing off with a few firm and
+skilful strokes a portrait of JOHN MILL or HERBERT SPENCER, or some
+other intellectual giant of that nineteenth century which Lord MORLEY
+nobly defends and of which he himself was _grande decus columenque_. The
+book is crammed with passages that arouse and maintain pleasure in
+the reader and clamour for quotation on the part of the reviewer.
+"Meredith," we are told, "who did not know Mill in person, once spoke to
+me of him, with the confident intuition proper to imaginative genius, as
+partaking of the Spinster. Disraeli, when Mill made an early speech in
+Parliament, raised his eye-glass and murmured to a neighbour on the
+bench, 'Ah, the Finishing Governess.'" Or we are introduced to SPENCER
+at MILL'S table: "The host said to him at dessert that Grote, who was
+present, would like to hear him explain one or more of his views about
+the equilibration of molecules in some relation or other. Spencer, after
+an instant of good-natured hesitation, complied with unbroken fluency
+for a quarter-of-an-hour or more. Grote followed every word intently,
+and in the end expressed himself as well satisfied. Mill, as we moved
+off into the drawing-room, declared to me his admiration of a wonderful
+piece of lucid exposition. Fawcett, in a whisper, asked me if I
+understood a word of it, for he did not. Luckily I had no time to
+answer." Or again: "Another contributor [to _The Saturday Review_]
+was the important man who became Lord SALISBURY. He and I were alone
+together in the editorial anteroom every Tuesday morning, awaiting our
+commissions, but he too had a talent for silence, and we exchanged no
+words, either now or on any future occasion." How charming a picture
+is this of two shy British publicists maintaining towards one another,
+against every possible discouragement, an inviolable silence. Not even
+the weather could tempt them to break it. Yet the great characteristic
+of this book is the large-hearted tolerance of comment and judgment
+which makes it emphatically a friendly book. As such I commend it with
+all the warmth in my power.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For her new story, _Missing_ (COLLINS), Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD has used her
+knowledge, already proved elsewhere, of two settings, the English Lakes
+and a Base Hospital somewhere in France. Also perhaps her knowledge
+of human nature, though I like to think that there are not many elder
+sisters so calculatingly callous as _Bridget_. The bother about her
+was that she sadly wanted her attractive younger sister to marry a
+sufficient establishment, not, I fear, from wholly altruistic motives.
+So she was not altogether sorry when the impecunious soldier-husband,
+whom _Nelly_ had personally preferred, was reported missing, thus
+leaving that to chance once again open. Then, just as her plans seemed
+to be prospering, word came secretly to her that there was a man
+shattered and with memory lost in a base hospital who might possibly be
+the brother-in-law whom she so emphatically didn't want. What happens
+upon this you shall find out for yourself. Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD, as you
+will notice, has no fear of a dramatic, even melodramatic, situation;
+handles it, indeed, with a skill that the most popular might envy.
+Thence onwards the story, perhaps a trifle slow in starting, gathers
+force. The two visits to the camp at X---- (a very thin disguise for a
+place that no Englishman of our time will ever forget) are admirably
+vivid; the last chapters especially being as moving as anything that
+Mrs. WARD has given us, whether in her popular, profound or propagandist
+manner.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Lately, Mr. E.F. BENSON seems to have been devoting himself almost
+wholly to chronicling the short and simple annals of the middle-aged.
+With one exception, all his recent protagonists have been, if not
+exactly in the sere and yellow, at least ripely mature. So that such
+a title as that of his latest novel, _An Autumn Solving_ (COLLINS),
+produced in me rather a feeling of familiar expectancy than of surprise.
+Also when the wrapper artist clothes a volume with a picture of an
+elderly gentleman obviously giving up an attractive young woman of
+perhaps one-third his years it is idle to pretend that the contents
+retain all the thrill of the unforeseen. Having said so much, I can let
+myself go in praise (as how often before) of those qualities of insight
+and gently sub-acid humour that make a BENSON novel an interlude of pure
+enjoyment to the "jaded reviewer." In case the indiscreet cover may
+happily have been removed before the volume reaches your hands, I do not
+propose to give away the plot in any detail. The autumn sowing of course
+produces a crop not exactly of wild oats, but of romantic tares that
+springs in the hitherto barren heart of one _Keeling_, prosperous
+tradesman, husband, father, mayor, public benefactor and baronet,
+by reason of the too sympathetic damsel who types his letters and
+catalogues his library. That library shows Mr. BENSON'S genius;
+without it I should hardly have been able to believe in the subsequent
+happenings, but, given this "secret garden," all the tragedy is
+explained. I have left myself no space in which to do justice to some
+admirable characterization. _Keeling's_ wife is worthy of a place in the
+author's long gallery of woolly-witted matrons; while in _Silverdale_ he
+has given a study of clerical futility and egotism almost savage in its
+detestability, a portrait at which one laughs and shudders together. Of
+course the book will have, and deserve, a huge welcome.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The union of scholarship and sympathy, enthusiasm and eloquence, is
+rare; yet these qualities are to be found in perfect harmony in the
+stately volume on the poets' poet which has just been published under
+the style, on the cover, _Life of John Keats_, and on the title-page,
+_John Keats, His Life and Poetry, His Friends, Critics and After-Fame_
+(MACMILLAN)--a volume upon which Sir SIDNEY COLVIN has been engaged ever
+since his retirement from the Print Room of the British Museum, and may
+be said to have been preparing to write all his days, ever since, as a
+boy, he first opened the "magic casement." A book representing so long
+and ardent a devotion, and written by one whose loyalties have always
+been so cordially sustained and acknowledged, could not but glow; and it
+is its warmth of feeling which, to my mind, peculiarly marks this very
+distinguished work. It is more than a life; it is a "companion" to KEATS
+so complete and understanding that one can with confidence apply to it
+the abused word, "definitive." Critical essays on the poet no doubt will
+continue to appear, but this is the last biographical monument likely to
+be raised to him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Your enjoyment of _The Head of the Family_ (METHUEN) may in a measure
+depend upon your capacity to appreciate _William Linkhorn_ and the glory
+of his "great flaming beard." To me, unhappily, _William_ was an uncouth
+rustic, just that and very little else; but he possessed some mysterious
+attraction for women; so, at any rate, Mrs. HENRY DUDENEY tells
+me, though she does not explain to my satisfaction what it was.
+_Phoebe-Louisa_ married him partly because she wanted a man to help in
+her greengrocery; but what charm he had for her soon waned, and she
+smote hard when she caught him philandering with _Beausire Fillery_. It
+was all the lady's fault; _William_ had, so to speak, only to wave his
+beard and she was at his feet. But if the hirsute feature of this story
+leaves me cold it is easy enough to enjoy and admire the rest. The
+_Firebraces_, spoken of here as "The Family," are most admirably drawn.
+Never has the condescension of county people to those less exalted in
+birth been described with more delightful irony. True that some of the
+_Firebraces_ kicked over the traces and married whom they listed, but
+the family as a whole was rooted deep enough to stand shocks which would
+have devastated people of less assured position. The scenes of the story
+are laid in and around Lewes, a part of England dear to Mrs. DUDENEY'S
+heart, and of which she writes with real comprehension and devotion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+By a self-denying ordinance Mr. Punch declines, as a general rule, to
+review in these columns the work of his Staff. But he may permit himself
+to announce to all lovers of the gay humour of "A.A.M." that Messrs.
+HODDER AND STOUGHTON have just brought out a new novel, _Once on a
+Time_, by Mr. ALAN A. MILNE, with illustrations by Mr. H. M. BROCK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CONSOLING THOUGHT.
+
+_Belated Traveller (surprised by a bull when taking a short cut to the
+station)._ "BY JOVE! I BELIEVE I SHALL CATCH THAT TRAIN AFTER ALL."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Alexander had his 'Plutarch' always under his pillow."--_British
+    Weekly._
+
+This must have been a very early edition.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Colombo is suffering from an attack of rabies and there have been
+    38 cases reported so far. In the first six months of the year 1,300
+    days were destroyed."--_Singapore Free Press_.
+
+Let us hope that every day had its dog.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+153, NOV. 28, 1917***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 11443-8.txt or 11443-8.zip *******
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+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Nov. 28, 1917, by Various</title>
+<style type="text/css">
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+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153,
+Nov. 28, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Nov. 28, 1917</p>
+<p>Author: Various</p>
+<p>Release Date: March 4, 2004  [eBook #11443]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: iso-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 153, NOV. 28, 1917***</p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<center><b>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Andy Jewell,<br />
+           and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</b></center>
+<br />
+<br />
+<hr class="full" />
+<br />
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+<h2>Vol. 153.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>November 28, 1917.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page359" id="page359"></a>[pg
+359]</span>
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+<p>"How the Germans never got wind of it," writes a correspondent
+of the British attack on the HINDENBURG line, "is a mystery." The
+failure of certain M.P.'s to ask questions about it in Parliament
+beforehand may have had something to do with it.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An order has been promulgated fixing the composition of horse
+chaff. The approach of the pantomime season is thought to be
+responsible for it.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"We are particularly anxious," writes the Ministry of Food,
+"that Christmas plum-puddings should not be kept for any length of
+time." A Young Patriots' League has been formed, we understand,
+whose members are bent on carrying out Lord RHONDDA'S wishes at any
+cost to their parents.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Another birthplace of ST. GEORGE has been captured in Palestine.
+It is now definitely established that the sainted warrior's habit
+of trying to carry-on in two places at the same time was the
+subject of much adverse criticism by the military experts of the
+period.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Camberley man charged with deserting the Navy and joining the
+Army explained that he was tired of waiting for TIRPITZ to come
+out. We are informed that Commander CARLYON BELLAIRS, M.P., and
+Admiral W.H. HENDERSON have been asked to enlighten the poor fellow
+as to the true state of affairs.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A skull of the Bronze Age has been found on Salisbury Plain.
+Several hats of the brass age have also been seen in the
+vicinity.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Imports of ostrich feathers have fallen from &pound;33,000 in
+1915 to &pound;182 in 1917. Ostrich farmers, it appears, are on the
+verge of ruin as the result of their inability to obtain scissors
+and other suitable foodstuffs for the birds.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Measures are being taken to check pacifists," says Sir GEORGE
+CAVE. Prison-yard measures, we hope.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Stoke Newington constable has discovered a happy method of
+taking people's minds off their food troubles. During the last
+month he has served fifty of them with dog-summonses.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Five hundred pounds have been sent to the CHANCELLOR OF THE
+EXCHEQUER by an anonymous donor. It is thought that the man is
+concealing his identity to avoid being made a baronet.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"What is the use of corporations if they can do nothing useful?"
+asks Councillor STOCK, of Margate. It is an alluring topic, but a
+patriotic Press has decided that it must be postponed in favour of
+the War.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>During trench-digging on Salisbury Plain the skeleton of a young
+man, apparently buried about the year 600 B.C., was unearthed. The
+skull was partially fractured, evidently by a battle-axe. Foul play
+is suspected.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Sugar was sold for half-a-guinea a pound at a charity sale in
+the South of England, and local grocers are complaining bitterly of
+unfair competition.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A contemporary points out that there is a soldier in the North
+Staffordshire Regiment whose name is DOUGLAS HAIG. Riots are
+reported in Germany.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Can Fish Smell?" asks a weekly paper headline. We can only say
+that in our experience they sometimes do, especially on a
+Monday.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An employer pleading for an applicant before the Egham Tribunal
+stated that he had an oil-engine which nobody else would go near.
+We cannot help thinking that much might be done with a little tact,
+such as going up to the engine quietly and stroking its face, or
+even making a noise like a piece of oily waste.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Germany's new Hymn of Hate has been published. To give greater
+effect to the thing and make it more fearful, Germans who
+contemplate singing it are requested to grow side-whiskers.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It is rumoured that since his recent tirade at York against
+newspapers Dr. LYTTELTON has been made an Honorary Member of the
+Society of Correctors of the Press.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>The Evening News</i> informs us that Mr. HENRY WHITE, a
+grave-digger of Hellingly, has just dug his thousandth grave.
+Congratulations to our contemporary upon being the first to spread
+the joyful news.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Unfortunately, says <i>The Daily Mail</i>, Lord NORTHCLIFFE
+cannot be in four places at once. Pending a direct contradiction
+from the new Viscount himself, we can only counsel the country to
+bear this announcement with fortitude.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Only the other day <i>The Daily Chronicle</i> referred to the
+Premier as "Mr. George," just as if it had always been a penny
+paper.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The rush to a certain Northern suburb has died down. The rumour
+that there was a polite grocer there turns out to be cruelly at
+variance with the facts.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href=
+"images/359.png"><img width="100%" src="images/359.png" alt=
+"" /></a>JOY-RIDING UP-TO-DATE.<br />
+THE UNDEFEATED WAR-PROFITEER.</div>
+<hr />
+<h4>Another Sex-Problem.</h4>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Plaintiff was the daughter of an officer in the Royal Irish
+Constabulary, and was a grand-nephew of Dr. Abernethy, the famous
+surgeon."&mdash;<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<p>From a recent novel:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"His face was of the good oatmeal type, and grew upon one."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Useful in these days of rations.</p>
+<hr />
+From <i>The New Statesman's</i> comment on Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S Paris
+speech.<br />
+<br />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"He does try to be Biblical sometimes. In the Paris speech he
+used the unnatural word 'yea' twice. Each time it gave one shudders
+down the back."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>No doubt next time, in view of our obligations to U.S.A., the
+PRIME MINISTER will say "Yep."</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page360" id="page360"></a>[pg
+360]</span>
+<h2>THE VICTORY.</h2>
+<p class="center">[<i>For J.B., with the author's affectionate
+pride.</i>]</p>
+<p class="center">HINDENBURG TO MACKENSEN.</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Dear MAC, in that prodigious thrust</p>
+<p class="i4">In which your valiant legions vie</p>
+<p class="i2">With HANNIBAL'S renown, I trust</p>
+<p class="i4">You go a shade more strong than I;</p>
+<p class="i2">Lately I've lost a lot of scalps,</p>
+<p class="i4">Which is a dem'd unpleasant thing;</p>
+<p class="i2">You may enjoy the Julian Alps&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">I do not like this JULIAN BYNG.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">I find him full of crafty pranks:</p>
+<p class="i4">Without the usual warning fire</p>
+<p class="i2">He loosed his beastly rows of tanks</p>
+<p class="i4">And sent 'em wallowing through my wire;</p>
+<p class="i2">For days and days he kept the lid</p>
+<p class="i4">Hard down upon his low designs,</p>
+<p class="i2">Then simply walked across and did</p>
+<p class="i4">Just what he liked with all my lines.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">The fellow doesn't keep the rules;</p>
+<p class="i4">Experts (I'm one myself) advise</p>
+<p class="i2">That in trench-warfare even fools</p>
+<p class="i4">Cannot be taken by surprise;</p>
+<p class="i2">It isn't done; and yet he came</p>
+<p class="i4">With never a previous "Are you there?"</p>
+<p class="i2">And caught me&mdash;this is not the game&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">Bending my thoughtful gaze elsewhere.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2"><i>Later</i>.&mdash;My route is toward the rear.</p>
+<p class="i4">Where I shall stand and stop the rot</p>
+<p class="i2">Lord only knows; and now I hear</p>
+<p class="i4">Your forward pace is none too hot;</p>
+<p class="i2">Indeed, with BYNG upon the burst,</p>
+<p class="i4">If at this rate I make for home,</p>
+<p class="i2">I doubt not who will get there first,</p>
+<p class="i4">I to the Rhine, or you to Rome.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p class="center">O.S.</p>
+<hr />
+<h2>THE LITERARY ADVISER.</h2>
+<p>No, he does not appear in the <i>Gazette</i>. War establishments
+know him not and his appointment throws no additional labour upon
+the staff of Messrs. COX AND CO. Unofficially he is known as O.C.
+Split Infinitives. His duties are to see that the standard of
+literary excellence, which makes the correspondence of the Corps a
+pleasure to receive, is maintained at the high level set by the
+Corps Commander himself. Indeed the velvety quality of our prose is
+the envy of all other formations.</p>
+<p>Apart from duties wholly literary, he is also O.C. Code Names.
+The stock-in-trade for this skilled labour is an H.B. pencil and a
+Webster Dictionary. The routine is simplicity itself. As soon as
+anybody informs him of a new arrival in the area he fishes out the
+dictionary, plays Tit-Tat-Toe with the H.B., writes out the word
+that it lands upon at the end of his rhyme, and, hey presto! there
+is another day's work done.</p>
+<p>But one day, for the sake of greater secrecy, it became
+necessary to rename all the units of the area, and the Literary
+Adviser suddenly found himself put to it to provide about three
+hundred new Code Names at once. Heroically he set to work with his
+dictionary, his H.B. pencil, and his little rhyme. For two days the
+Resplendent Ones in the General Staff Office bore patiently with
+the muttering madman in the corner. For two days he fluttered the
+leaves of his dictionary and whispered hoarsely to himself,
+"Tit-tat-toe, my-first-go,
+three-jolly-nigger-boys-all-in-a-<i>row</i>," picking out word
+after word with unerring accuracy until the dictionary was a waste
+of punctures and three generations of H.B.'s had passed away.
+Before the second day was out the jingle had done its dreadful
+work. It was as much as the clerks could do to avoid keeping step
+with it. The climax came when the Senior Resplendent One, looking
+down at the telegram he was writing, found to his horror that he
+had written, "Situation quiet Tit-Tat-Toe. Hostile artillery
+activity normal Tit-Tat-Toe," and so on, substituting this
+abomination in place of the official stop, ("Ack-Ack-Ack")
+throughout.</p>
+<p>It was enough. Still gibbering, the Literary Adviser was hurled
+forth from the office and told to work his witchcraft in
+solitude.</p>
+<p>Paler, thinner and older by years he emerged from his retirement
+triumphant, and the new code names went forth to a flourish of
+trumpets or rather of the hooters of the despatch-riders.</p>
+<p>Then it began. For days he was subjected to rigorous criticisms
+of his selection. "Signals" tripped him up first by pointing out
+two units with the same name, and they also went on to point out
+that the word was spelt "cable" in the first instance and "cabal"
+in the second. The gunners, working in groups, complained bitterly
+that a babel had arisen through the similarity of the words
+allotted to their groups. One infuriated battery commander said it
+was as much as he could do to get anyone else on the telephone but
+himself.</p>
+<p>Touched to the quick by criticism (when was it ever otherwise
+amongst his kind?) the Adviser set aside his real work (he was, of
+course, writing a book about the War) and applied himself to, the
+task of straightening the tangle. Obviously the ideal combination
+would be for each unit to have a code name that nobody could
+mistake no matter how badly it was pronounced. And to this ideal he
+applied himself. Often, on fine afternoons, the serenity of the
+country-side was disturbed by the voice of one crying in the
+wilderness, "Soap&mdash;Silk&mdash;Salvage&mdash;Sympathy," to see
+if any dangerous similarity existed. At dinner a glaze would
+suddenly come over his eyes, his lips would move involuntarily and
+mutter, as he gazed into vacancy,
+"Mustard&mdash;Mutton&mdash;Meat&mdash;Muffin."</p>
+<p>Histrionic effort played no small part in these attempts and led
+to a good deal of misunderstanding, for he felt it incumbent on him
+to try his codes in every possible dialect. Instead of the usual
+cheery "Good morning," a major of a famous Highland regiment was
+scandalised by an elderly subaltern blethering out,
+"Cannibal&mdash;Custard&mdash;Claymore&mdash;Caramel," in an
+abominable Scotch accent. Another day (on receipt of written
+orders) he was compelled to visit the line to see if things had
+been built as reported, or, if it was just optimism again.
+Half-an-hour later a sentry brought him down the trench at the
+point of the bayonet for muttering as he rounded the traverse,
+"Galoot&mdash;Gunning&mdash;Grumble&mdash;Grumpy," in
+pseudo-Wessex. Naturally, to Native Yorkshire this sounded like
+pure Bosch.</p>
+<p>Ah! but he won through in the end. The man who has stood five
+years of unsuccessful story-writing for magazines is not the kind
+to let himself be beaten easily. There could be no doubt of the
+final result. When the revised list was issued the response to the
+inquiry, "Hullo, is that Sink?" was met by a "No, this is Smack,"
+that crashed through the thickest intellect.</p>
+<p>But vaulting ambition had o'erleapt itself. As a covering note
+to the new issue he had put up the following letter:&mdash;</p>
+<p>"Ref. G K etc., etc., of 10th inst. On November 3rd all previous
+issues of Code Names will be cancelled in favour of the more
+euphonious nomenclature which is forwarded herewith."</p>
+<p>A shriek of joy echoed through the corps. "Euphonious!" What a
+word! What a discovery in a foreign country! The joy of the signal
+operators, on whom something of the spirit of the old-time
+bus-drivers has descended, was indescribable. You had only to pick
+up the receiver at any time and the still small voices of the busy
+signal world could be heard chortling, "Hullo-oo? Hullo,
+Euphonious! How's your father? Yes, give me Crump." Or, "No, I
+can't get the General; he's left his euphonious receiver off."</p>
+<p>Poor Euphonious (he has never been called by anything else
+since)&mdash;they have threatened to make him O.C. Recreations for
+Troops.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page361" id="page361"></a>[pg
+361]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/361.png"><img width="100%" src="images/361.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>BIRDS OF ILL OMEN.</h3>
+<p>MR. PUNCH. "ONLY GOT HIM IN THE TAIL, SIR."</p>
+<p>THE MAN FROM WHITEHALL. "YES, BUT I MEAN TO GET THE NEXT ONE IN
+THE NECK."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page362" id="page362"></a>[pg
+362]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/362.png"><img width="100%" src="images/362.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Mistress</i>. "I HOPE YOU'RE DOING WHAT YOU CAN TO ECONOMISE
+THE FOOD."</p>
+<p><i>Cook</i>. "OH, YES'M. WE'VE PUT THE CAT ON
+MILK-AN'-WATER."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>PARS WITH A PUNCH.</h3>
+<p class="center">ALL THE REAL NEWS ABOUT MEN, WOMEN AND
+THINGS.<br />
+BY OUR RAMBLING GOSSIP.<br />
+<br />
+<i>(With acknowledgments to some of our contemporaries.)</i></p>
+<p><i>A Long-Felt Want.</i></p>
+<p>The opening, next week, of a Training School for Bus and Tube
+Travellers will, it is hoped, supply a long-felt want in the
+Metropolis. I understand that a month's course at the establishment
+will enable the feeblest of mortals to hold his own and more in the
+fearful m&ecirc;l&eacute;e that rages daily round train and
+vehicle. I have a prospectus before me as I write; here are some of
+its sub-heads: "The Strap-Hanger's Stranglehold," "Foot
+Frightfulness," "How to Enter a Bus Secretly," "The Umbrella
+Barrage," "Explosives&mdash;When their Use is Justified," "What to
+do when the Conductor Falls off the Bus." This certainly promises a
+speedy amelioration of present-day travelling conditions.</p>
+<p><i>Timbuctoo Tosh</i>.</p>
+<p>Last week, when all those ridiculous rumours anent Timbuctoo
+were flying about, you will remember how I warned you to set no
+faith in them. You will admit that I was a good counsellor. Nothing
+<i>has</i> happened at Timbuctoo. I doubt very much whether
+anything <i>could</i> happen there.</p>
+<p><i>Hush!</i></p>
+<p>On the other hand, keep your eye on a spot not a thousand miles
+away from Clubland. Something will certainly happen there some day,
+and, when it does, bear in mind that I warned you.</p>
+<p><i>Amazing Discovery.</i></p>
+<p>Mr. ROOSEVELT'S discovery that, unknown to himself, he has been
+blind in one eye for over a year, is surely surpassed by the
+experience of Mr. Caractacus Crowsfeet, the popular M.P. for
+Slushington, who has just learnt, as the result of a cerebral
+operation, that he possesses no brain whatever. "It is indeed
+remarkable," said Mr. C. to me the other day, "for I can truthfully
+assert that in all my arduous political labours of the past ten
+years I have never felt the need or even noticed the absence of
+this organ." He coughed modestly. "I have always maintained that in
+politics it is the man, not the mind, that counts."</p>
+<p><i>She Has One!</i></p>
+<p>Mrs. Zebulon Napthaliski proposes to spend the winter on her
+Brighton estate. "Yes&mdash;I <i>have</i> received my sugar card,"
+she told me, in answer to my eager query. "More than that I cannot
+say."</p>
+<p><i>Fare and Foliage.</i></p>
+<p>That charming fashion of decorating the dinner-table with
+foliage will be all the rage this winter. Well-known London
+hostesses, basket on arm, may daily be seen in Mayfair garnering
+fallen leaves from lawn, path or roadside. Some very daring Society
+women are dispensing altogether with a cloth, the table being
+covered with a complete layer of leaves. I doubt, however, whether
+this will become popular, guests showing a tendency to mislay their
+knives and forks in the foliage.</p>
+<p><i>A Bon Mot.</i></p>
+<p>Have you heard the latest <i>bon mot</i> that is going the round
+of the clubs? Mrs. Savory Beet, of Pacifist fame, has, as you will
+recall, announced her intention of taking up war work. "Ah!" was
+the comment of a cynical bachelor, "it was a case of her taking up
+something or being <span class="pagenum"><a name="page363" id=
+"page363"></a>[pg 363]</span> taken up herself!" His audience
+simply screamed with laughter.</p>
+<hr />
+<p><i>Watch Out!</i></p>
+<p>Don't be surprised if you hear of some sensational political
+developments in the near future. The Minister who said recently
+that the inevitable sequel to war was peace, was, in the opinion of
+those competent to judge but, by reason of their official position,
+unable to criticise, hinting at proposals which, if the signs and
+portents of the time go for anything, would have far-reaching
+effects on the question of Electoral Representation. I will say no
+more. Time alone will disclose my meaning.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/363.png"><img width="100%" src="images/363.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Urchin (with an inborn terror of the Force). "OO, MUVVER!
+IT WON'T, WILL IT?"</i></p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h4>OMINOUS.</h4>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"&mdash;&mdash;went every morning to a firm of sausage-makers by
+whom he was employed as a horse-dealer."&mdash;<i>Irish
+Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p class="author">"Rome, Saturday.</p>
+<p>"The announcement is made to-day of the award by the King [of
+Italy] of gold medals to Lieutenant Giuseppe Castruccio and I
+sentence him to three months' hard."&mdash;<i>Manchester Evening
+Chronicle</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>When will British journalists learn not to interfere with the
+internal affairs of friendly nations?</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE LAST MATCH.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">This is the last, the very, very last.</p>
+<p class="i2">Its gay companions, who so snugly lay</p>
+<p class="i2">Within the corners of their fragile home,</p>
+<p class="i2">All, all are lightly fled and surely gone;</p>
+<p class="i2">And their survivor lingers in his pride,</p>
+<p class="i2">The last of all the matches in the house;</p>
+<p class="i2">For Mr. Siftings says he has no more,</p>
+<p class="i2">And Siftings is an honourable man,</p>
+<p class="i2">And would not state a fact that was not so.</p>
+<p class="i2">For now he has himself to do without</p>
+<p class="i2">The flaming boon of matches, having none,</p>
+<p class="i2">And cannot furnish us as he desires,</p>
+<p class="i2">Being a grocer and the best of men,</p>
+<p class="i2">But murmurs vaguely of a future week</p>
+<p class="i2">When matches shall be numerous again</p>
+<p class="i2">As leaves in Vallombrosa and as cheap.</p>
+<p class="i2">Blinks, the tobacconist, he too is spent</p>
+<p class="i2">With weary waiting in a matchless land;</p>
+<p class="i2">What Siftings cannot get cannot be got</p>
+<p class="i2">By men like Blinks, that young tobacconist,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who tried with all a patriot's fiery zeal</p>
+<p class="i2">To join the Army, but was sent away</p>
+<p class="i2">For varicose and too protuberant veins;</p>
+<p class="i2">And being foiled of all his high intent</p>
+<p class="i2">Now minds the shop and is a Volunteer,</p>
+<p class="i2">Drilling on Sundays with the rest of them;</p>
+<p class="i2">He too, amid his hoards of cigarettes,</p>
+<p class="i2">Is void of matches as he's full of veins.</p>
+<p class="i2">So here's a good match in a naughty world,</p>
+<p class="i2">And what to do with it I do not know,</p>
+<p class="i2">Save that somehow, when all the place is still,</p>
+<p class="i2">It shall explode and spurt and flame and burn</p>
+<p class="i2">Slowly away, not having thus achieved</p>
+<p class="i2">The lighting of a pipe or any act</p>
+<p class="i2">Of usefulness, but having spent itself</p>
+<p class="i2">In lonely grandeur as befits the last</p>
+<p class="i2">Of all the varied matches I have known.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h4>OUR SAMSONS.</h4>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Wanted at once.&mdash;Reliable Man for carrying off motor
+lorry."&mdash;<i>Clitheroe Advertiser</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"To-day the man possesses a second tumb, serviceable for all
+ordinary purposes."&mdash;<i>Belfast Evening Telegraph</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>In these days of restricted rations it seems a superflous
+luxury.</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Diamond Brooch, 15 cwt., set with three blue white diamonds;
+make a handsome present; &pound;9 9<i>s</i>."&mdash;<i>Derby Daily
+Telegraph</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>It seems a lot for the money; but personally we would sooner
+have the same weight of coals.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page364" id="page364"></a>[pg
+364]</span>
+<h2>THE WAY DOWN.</h2>
+<p>SYDNEY SMITH, or NAPOLEON or MARCUS AURELIUS (somebody about
+that time) said that after ten days any letter would answer itself.
+You see what he meant. Left to itself your invitation from the
+Duchess to lunch next Tuesday is no longer a matter to worry about
+by Wednesday morning. You were either there or not there; it is
+unnecessary to write now and say that a previous invitation from
+the PRIME MINISTER&mdash;and so on. It was NAPOLEON'S idea (or Dr.
+JOHNSON'S or MARK ANTONY'S&mdash;one of that circle) that all
+correspondence can be treated in this manner.</p>
+<p>I have followed these early Masters (or whichever one it was) to
+the best of my ability. At any given moment in the last few years
+there have been ten letters that I absolutely <i>must</i> write,
+thirty which I <i>ought</i> to write, and fifty which any other
+person in my position <i>would</i> have written. Probably I have
+written two. After all, when your profession is writing, you have
+some excuse on returning home in the evenings for demanding a
+change of occupation. No doubt if I were a coal-heaver by day, my
+wife would see to the fire after dinner while I wrote letters. As
+it is, she does the correspondence, while I gaze into the fire and
+think about things.</p>
+<p>You will say, no doubt, that this was all very well before the
+War, but that in the Army a little writing would be a pleasant
+change after the day's duties. Allow me to disillusion you. If,
+three years ago, I ever conceived a glorious future in which my
+autograph might be of value to the more promiscuous collectors,
+that conception has now been shattered. Three years in the Army has
+absolutely spoilt the market. Even were I revered in the year 2,000
+A.D. as SHAKSPEARE is revered now, my half-million autographs,
+scattered so lavishly on charge-sheets, passes, chits,
+requisitions, indents and applications would keep the price at a
+dead level of about ten a penny. No, I have had enough of writing
+in the Army and I never want to sign my own name again. "Yours
+sincerely, HERBERT ASQUITH," "Faithfully yours, J.
+JELLICOE"&mdash;these by all means; but not my own.</p>
+<p>However, I wrote a letter the other day; it was to the bank. It
+informed them that I had arrived in London for a time and should be
+troubling them again shortly, London being to all appearances an
+expensive place. It also called attention to my new address&mdash;a
+small furnished flat in which Celia and I can just turn round if we
+do it separately. When it was written, there came the question of
+posting it. I was all for waiting till the next morning, but Celia
+explained that there was actually a letter-box on our own floor,
+twenty yards down the passage. I took the letter along and dropped
+it into the slit.</p>
+<p>Then a wonderful thing happened. It went</p>
+<p>
+<i>Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty&mdash;FLOP.</i></p>
+<p>I listened intently, hoping for more ... but that was all.
+Deeply disappointed that it was over, but absolutely thrilled with
+my discovery, I hurried back to Celia.</p>
+<p>"Any letters you want posted?" I said in an off-hand way.</p>
+<p>"No, thank you," she said.</p>
+<p>"Have you written any while we've been here?"</p>
+<p>"I don't think I've had anything to write."</p>
+<p>"I think," I said reproachfully, "it's quite time you wrote to
+your&mdash;your bank or your mother or somebody."</p>
+<p>She looked at me and seemed to be struggling for words.</p>
+<p>"I know exactly what you're going to say," I said, "but don't
+say it; write a little letter instead."</p>
+<p>"Well, as a matter of fact I <i>must</i> just write a note to
+the laundress."</p>
+<p>"To the laundress," I said. "Of course, just a note."</p>
+<p>When it was written I insisted on her coming with me to post it.
+With great generosity I allowed her to place it in the slit. A
+delightful thing happened. It went</p>
+<p><i>
+Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-
+flipperty-flipperty-flipperty&mdash;FLOP.</i></p>
+<p>Right down to the letter-box in the hall. Two flipperties a
+floor. (A simple calculation shows that we are perched on the fifth
+floor. I am glad now that we live so high. It must be very dull to
+be on the fourth floor with only eight flipperties, unbearable to
+be on the first with only two.)</p>
+<p>"<i>O-oh!</i> How <i>fas</i>-cinating!" said Celia.</p>
+<p>"Now don't you think you ought to write to your mother?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, I <i>must</i>."</p>
+<p>She wrote. We posted it. It went</p>
+<p><i>Flipperty-flipperty</i>&mdash;&mdash;However, you know all
+about that now.</p>
+<p>Since this great discovery of mine, life has been a more
+pleasurable business. We feel now that there are romantic
+possibilities about letters setting forth on their journey from our
+floor. To start life with so many flipperties might lead to
+anything. Each time that we send a letter off we listen in a
+tremble of excitement for the final FLOP, and when it comes I think
+we both feel vaguely that we are still waiting for something. We
+are waiting to hear some magic letter go
+<i>flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty</i> ... and behold!
+there is no FLOP ... and still it goes
+on&mdash;<i>flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty</i>&mdash;growing
+fainter in the distance ... until it arrives at some wonderland of
+its own. One day it must happen so. For we cannot listen always for
+that FLOP, and hear it always; nothing in this world is as
+inevitable as that. One day we shall look at each other with awe in
+our faces and say, "But it's still flipperting!" and from that time
+forward the Hill of Campden will be a place holy and enchanted.
+Perhaps on Midsummer Eve&mdash;</p>
+<p>At any rate I am sure that it is the only way in which to post a
+letter to Father Christmas.</p>
+<p>Well, what I want to say is this: if I have been a bad
+correspondent in the past I am a good one now; and Celia, who was
+always a good one, is a better one. It takes at least ten letters a
+day to satisfy us, and we prefer to catch ten different posts. With
+the ten in your hand together there is always a temptation to waste
+them in one wild rush of flipperties, all catching each other up.
+It would be a great moment, but I do not think we can afford it
+yet; we must wait until we get even more practised at
+letter-writing. And even then I am doubtful; for it might be that,
+lost in the confusion of that one wild rush, the magic letter would
+start on its way&mdash;<i>flipperty-flipperty</i>&mdash;to the
+never-land, and we should forever have missed it.</p>
+<p>So, friends, acquaintances, yes, and even strangers. I beg you
+now to give me another chance. I will answer your letters, how
+gladly. I still think that NAPOLEON (or CANUTE or the younger
+PLINY&mdash;one of the pre-Raphaelites) took a perfectly correct
+view of his correspondence ... but then <i>he</i> Never had a
+letter-box which went</p>
+<p>
+<i>Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty&mdash;FLOP.</i></p>
+<p class="author">A.A.M.</p>
+<hr />
+<h4>The H.D. and Q. Department.</h4>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Major-General F.G. Bond is gazetted Director of Quartering at
+the War Office."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Pacifists beware!</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p class="center">"DIRTY WORK<br />
+AT<br />
+DOWNING STREET.</p>
+<p class="center">BY<br />
+HORATIO BOTTOMLEY."</p>
+<p class="author"><i>John Bull.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>They shouldn't have let him in.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page365" id="page365"></a>[pg
+365]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/365.png"><img width="100%" src="images/365.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Officer.</i> "WHY WERE YOU NOT AT ROLL-CALL LAST NIGHT?"</p>
+<p><i>Defaulter.</i> "WELL, SIR, WITH THIS 'ERE CAMP CAMOUFLAGED SO
+MUCH, I COULDN'T FIND MY WAY OUT OF THE CANTEEN."</p>
+</div>
+<h2>COUNTER TACTICS.</h2>
+<p>About a year ago I paid a visit to my hosier and haberdasher
+with the intention of purchasing a few things with which to tide
+over the remaining months of winter. After the preliminary
+discussion of atmospherics had been got through, the usual raffle
+of garments was spread about for my inspection. I viewed it
+dispassionately. Then, discarding the little vesties of
+warm-blooded youth and the double-width vestums of rheumatic old
+age, I chose several commonplace woollen affairs and was preparing
+to leave when my hosier and haberdasher leaned across the counter
+and whispered in my ear.</p>
+<p>"If I may advise you, Sir, you would be wise to make a large
+selection of these articles. We do not expect to replace them."</p>
+<p>He glanced cautiously at an elderly gentleman who was stirring
+up a box of ties, then, lowering his voice another semitone, added,
+"The mills are now being used exclusively for Government work." He
+insinuated the death-sentence effect very cleverly, and at that
+moment, coming to his support, as it were, the old gentleman
+tottered up, seized upon two garments and carried them off from
+under my very fingers. As he went out a middle-aged lady entered
+and made straight for the residue upon the counter. A feeling of
+panic came upon me. "Right you are," I exclaimed hurriedly, "I'll
+take the lot." As a matter of fact she only wanted a pair of gloves
+for her nephew in France.</p>
+<p>A few days later, still having the wool shortage in mind, I
+approached my hosier and haberdasher on the subject of shirts. For
+a second or two he looked thoughtfully at the toe of his boot. Then
+coming suddenly to a decision he disappeared stealthily into the
+back premises, from which he presently emerged carrying a large
+bale of flannel, which he cast caber-wise upon the counter.</p>
+<p>"There," he said triumphantly, "I don't suppose there's another
+piece of flannel like that in the country." He fingered it with an
+expert touch.</p>
+<p>"You don't say so," I said as I rubbed it reverently between my
+finger and thumb, just to show that he wasn't the only one who
+could do it.</p>
+<p>"I'm afraid it's only too true," he confessed, "and I may add
+that, after we have sold out our present stocks, flannel of any
+kind will be absolutely unobtainable."</p>
+<p>"None at all?" I asked, horror-struck at the vision of my public
+life in 1920&mdash;a bow cravat over a double-width vestum.</p>
+<p>He shook his head and smiled wisely.</p>
+<p>I am instinctively against hoarding, but I knew that if I did
+not buy it Jones would, and then some fine day, when nobody else
+had a shirt left, he would swagger about and make my life
+intolerable. This decided me and I bought the piece.</p>
+<p>A few days later it occurred to me that it might be advisable to
+lay down some socks. My idea was in perfect unison with that of my
+hosier and haberdasher. Socks were going to be unprocurable in a
+few months. I patted myself on the back and bought up the 1916
+vintage of Llama-Llama <span class="pagenum"><a name="page366" id=
+"page366"></a>[pg 366]</span> footwear. The following week
+thirty-seven shirts arrived and I had to buy a new
+chest-of-drawers.</p>
+<p>This, as I have stated before, was about a year ago. Yesterday I
+paid my hosier and haberdasher another visit. If all the bone
+factories had not been too exclusively engaged, etc., etc., I
+wished to buy a collar stud. There was an elderly man standing in
+the shop. He was quite alone, contemplating a mountain of garments.
+There were little vesties, double-width vestums, and ordinary
+woollen affairs.</p>
+<p>You could have knocked me over with a dress-sock.</p>
+<p>And where was my hosier and haberdasher? Had the
+stranger&mdash;just awakened to the value of his
+possessions&mdash;entered the shop and suddenly cast all this
+treasure upon the counter? I imagined the shock of this procedure
+on a man like my hosier and haberdasher, whose heart was perhaps a
+trifle woolly. Had he collapsed? I glanced surreptitiously behind a
+parapet of clocked socks.</p>
+<p>A moment later, from somewhere in the back premises, he appeared
+carrying a large bale of flannel, which he cast caber-wise upon the
+counter. I was dumbfounded.</p>
+<p>Then I knew the truth.</p>
+<p>"Sir," I said, turning to the stranger, "I believe you are about
+to make a selection from these articles (I indicated them
+individually), which you imagine to be the last of their race?"</p>
+<p>He nodded at me in a bewildered sort of way.</p>
+<p>"In a few months," I continued remorselessly, "they will be
+absolutely unprocurable" (he gave a start of recognition), "and
+you, having bought them, will sneak through life with the feelings
+of a food-hoarder, mingled with those of the man who slew the last
+Camberwell Beauty. I know the state of mind. But you need not
+distress yourself. These garments (I indicated them again) will
+only be unprocurable because they are in your possession. I have
+about half-a-ton myself, which, until a few minutes age, would have
+been quite unprocurable. But I have changed my mind and, if you
+will come with me, you can take your choice with a clear
+conscience, and (I glanced maliciously at my faded hosier and
+haberdasher) at the prices which were prevalent a year ago."</p>
+<p>I linked my arm with that of the stranger, and together we
+passed out of the shop into the unpolluted light of day.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/366.png"><img width="100%" src="images/366.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Mother (to child who has been naughty).</i> "AREN'T YOU
+RATHER ASHAMED OF YOURSELF?"</p>
+<p><i>Child.</i> "WELL, MOTHER, I WASN'T. BUT NOW THAT YOU'VE
+SUGGESTED IT I AM."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>PRETENDING.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">I know a magic woodland with grassy rides that
+ring</p>
+<p class="i2">To strange fantastic music and whirr of elfin
+wing,</p>
+<p class="i2">There all the oaks and beeches, moss-mantled to the
+knees,</p>
+<p class="i2">Are really fairy princes pretending to be trees.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">I know a magic moorland with wild winds drifting
+by,</p>
+<p class="i2">And pools among the peat-hags that mirror back the
+sky;</p>
+<p class="i2">And there in golden bracken the fronds that toss and
+turn</p>
+<p class="i2">Are really little people pretending to be fern.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">I wander in the woodland, I walk the magic moor;</p>
+<p class="i2">Sometimes I meet with fairies, sometimes I'm not so
+sure;</p>
+<p class="i2">And oft I pause and wonder among the green and
+gold</p>
+<p class="i2">If I am not a child again&mdash;pretending to be
+old.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p class="center">W.H.O.</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>It is understood that the FOOD-CONTROLLER has protested against
+the forcible feeding of hunger-strikers. If they want to commit the
+Yappy Dispatch, why shouldn't they?</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page367" id="page367"></a>[pg
+367]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/367.png"><img width="100%" src="images/367.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>ST. GEORGE OUT-DRAGONS THE DRAGON.</h3>
+[With Mr. Punch's jubilant compliments to Sir DOUGLAS HAIG and his
+Tanks.]</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page368" id="page368"></a>[pg
+368]</span>
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+<p><i>Monday, November 19th.</i>&mdash;Such a rush of Peers to the
+House of Commons has seldom been seen. Lord WIMBORNE, who knows
+something of congested districts, arrived early and secured the
+coveted seat over the clock. Lord CURZON, holding a watching brief
+for the War Cabinet, was only just in time to secure a place; and
+Lord COURTNEY and several others found "standing room only." If we
+have many more crises Sir ALFRED MOND will have to make provision
+for strap-hangers.</p>
+<div class="figright" style="width:35%;"><a href=
+"images/368.png"><img width="100%" src="images/368.png" alt=
+"" /></a>"His foil was carefully buttoned."<br />
+<br />
+MR. ASQUITH.</div>
+<p>There was very little sign of passion in Mr. ASQUITH'S measured
+criticism of the Allied Council and of the PRIME MINISTER'S speech
+on the subject in Paris. His foil was carefully buttoned, and
+though it administered a shrewd thrust now and again it was not
+intended to draw blood.</p>
+<p>At first the PRIME MINISTER followed this excellent example, and
+contented himself with defending, and incidentally re-composing,
+his Paris oration. The Allied Council, as now depicted, was a horse
+of quite another colour from what it seemed in Paris. A further
+example of <i>camouflage</i>, I suppose.</p>
+<p>Only when he came to deal with his Press critics did he let
+himself go, to the delight of the House, which loves him in his
+swashbuckling mood. As he confessed, however, that he had
+deliberately made "a disagreeable speech" in Paris in order to get
+it talked about, the Press will probably consider itself
+absolved.</p>
+<p><i>Tuesday, November 20th.</i>&mdash;Like John Bull, as
+represented in last week's cartoon, Lord LAMINGTON has arrived at
+the conclusion that compulsory rationing must come, and the sooner
+the better. Lord RHONDDA, however, is still hopeful that John will
+tighten his own belt, and save him the trouble. "More Yapping and
+Less Biting" should be our motto. But if we fail to live up to it,
+the machinery for compulsory rationing is all ready. Indeed,
+according to Lord DEVONPORT, it has been ready since April last,
+when an "S.O.S." to the local authorities was on the point of being
+sent, but a timely increase in imports stopped it.</p>
+<p>Nobody doubts Commander WEDGWOOD'S essential patriotism; he has
+proved it like a knight of old on his body; but he is unfortunate
+in some of his political associates, who take advantage of his
+good-nature. A book with a preface by himself had been seized by
+the police on suspicion of being seditious, and he loudly demanded
+to be prosecuted. But Sir GEORGE CAVE was not inclined to set up a
+legal presumption that the writer of a preface is responsible for
+the rest of the book. If he were, a good many "forewords" would, I
+imagine, never have been written.</p>
+<p><i>Wednesday, November 21st.</i>&mdash;By a strange oversight
+the Royal Marines were not specifically mentioned in the recent
+Vote of Thanks to the Services. Apparently the fact that this
+country is proud of them is one of those things that must not be
+told to the Marines. But Dr. MACNAMARA assured the House that the
+omission should now be repaired.</p>
+<p>There has been a shortage of provisions in the city where
+<i>Lady Godiva</i> suffered from a shortage of clothes. Mr. CLYNES
+was prompt with a remedy. A representative of the FOOD-CONTROLLER
+has already been sent to Coventry.</p>
+<p>Conscientious Objectors found a doughty champion in Lord HUGH
+CECIL. Rarely has an unpopular case been fortified with a greater
+wealth of legal, historical and ethical argument. Only once, when
+he accused Mr. BONAR LAW of holding the same doctrine as Herr
+BETHMANN-HOLLWEG, did he lose, for a moment, the sympathy of his
+audience. But he soon recovered himself, and thereafter held the
+House rapt with Cecilian harmonies.</p>
+<p>To such a lofty plane, indeed, had the debate been lifted that
+Mr. RONALD MCNEILL, tall as he is, had some difficulty in bringing
+it down to earth again; and when the division was called the spell
+was still working, and in a very big House the "Conchies" only lost
+their votes by thirty-eight.</p>
+<p><i>Thursday, November 22nd.</i>&mdash;Pending the introduction
+of the promised censorship of Parliamentary Questions, Mr. JOSEPH
+KING is working overtime. No story is too fantastically impossible
+to find a shelter under his hospitable hat. To-day it was a secret
+treaty between the Russian Government (old style) and the French
+Republic, by which Belgium was to be compensated at the expense of
+Holland. Lord ROBERT CECIL denounced it as an invention of the
+enemy. But I don't suppose the denial had the smallest effect upon
+Mr. KING, who probably went off and dined heartily on a magnum of
+mare's-nest soup.</p>
+<p>A tremendous accession to the ranks of the Sinn Feiners has been
+narrowly averted. When Members read the menu which, according to
+Major NEWMAN, the Irish Government has adopted for political
+prisoners&mdash;three good square meals a day, including an egg,
+ten ounces of meat, a pound and a half of bread, two pints and a
+half of milk, and real butter&mdash;they were strongly minded to
+enlist under Mr. DE VALERA'S banner and get themselves arrested
+forthwith. But Mr. DUKE'S emphatic denial shattered their dream of
+repletion at the taxpayers' expense.</p>
+<p>A final attempt to get proportional representation included in
+the Franchise Bill was heavily defeated. In a dashing attempt to
+save it Sir MARK SYKES declared that the old Eatanswill methods of
+electioneering had gone for ever&mdash;"no mouth was large enough
+to kiss thirty thousand babies." But the majority of the House
+seemed to be more impressed by the self-sacrificing argument of
+that eminent temperance advocate, Sir THOMAS WHITTAKER, who feared
+that "P.R." would lead to an increase in "milk-and-water
+politicians."</p>
+<hr />
+<h4>ALWAYS SOMETHING NEW FROM AFRICA.</h4>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"A Belgian East African communiqu&eacute; says that before the
+converging advance of the Anglo-German Belgian columns, the enemy
+retired to the south bank of the Kilimbero."&mdash;<i>Mombasa
+Times.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>We seem to have met some of these Anglo-German columns in the
+Pacifist Press.</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Our machines then bombed the General, in which the German
+Head-quarters at Constantinople are reported to be
+situated."&mdash;<i>Times.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>The General must have been stout, even for a German.</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Not having regained consciousness the police are left with
+little tangible evidence to work upon."&mdash;<i>Daily
+Telegraph.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Let us hope they will soon come to.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page369" id="page369"></a>[pg
+369]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/369.png"><img width="100%" src="images/369.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>HOW TO UTILISE OUR SKILLED CRAFTSMEN.</h3>
+<p><i>First Lieutenant.</i> "WHAT WAS THIS MAN BEFORE HE
+JOINED?"&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Petty Officer.</i> "OPTICIAN, SIR."</p>
+<p><i>First Lieutenant.</i> "WHAT HAD WE BETTER GIVE HIM TO
+DO?"&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Petty Officer.</i> "THERE'S THEM PRISMATIC
+SPOTTING GLASSES, SIR. THE LEATHER STRAP IS BROKEN OFF THEM. HE
+COULD SPLICE IN A PIECE O' COD LINE."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3><i>LE POILU DE CARCASSONNE.</i></h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">THE <i>poilus</i> of France on the Western Front are
+brave as brave can be,</p>
+<p class="i2">Whether they hail from rich Provence or from ruined
+Picardie;</p>
+<p class="i2">It's the self-same heart from the lazy Loire and the
+busy banks of Seine,</p>
+<p class="i2">Undaunted by perpetual mud or cold or gas or
+pain;</p>
+<p class="i2">And all are as gay as men know how whose wealth and
+friends are gone,</p>
+<p class="i2">But the gayest of all is a little white dog that came
+from Carcassonne.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">He was brought as a pup by a <i>Midi</i> man to a
+sector along the Aisne,</p>
+<p class="i2">But his man laid the wire one pitch-black night and
+never came back again.</p>
+<p class="i2">The pup stood by with one ear down and the other a
+question mark,</p>
+<p class="i2">And at times he licked his dead friend's face and at
+times he tried to bark,</p>
+<p class="i2">Till the listening sentry heard the sound, and when
+the daylight shone</p>
+<p class="i2">He looked abroad and cried, "<i>Bon Guieu! C'est le
+poilu de Carcassonne!</i>"</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">So the dead man's <i>copains</i> kept the dog on the
+strength of the company.</p>
+<p class="i2">And whoever went short it was not the pup, though a
+greedy pup was he;</p>
+<p class="i2">They gave him their choicest bits of <i>sinje</i> and
+drops of <i>pinard</i> too;</p>
+<p class="i2">He was warm and safe when he crept beneath a cloak of
+horizon-blue;</p>
+<p class="i2">They clipped fresh <i>brisques</i> in his rough white
+coat as the weary months dragged on,</p>
+<p class="i2">And all the sector knows him now as <i>le Poilu de
+Carcassonne</i>.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">And in return he keeps their hearts from that
+haunting foe, <i>l'ennui</i>;</p>
+<p class="i2">He's their plaything, friend, and sentry too, and a
+lover of devilry;</p>
+<p class="i2">He helps them to hunt out rats or Boches; he burrows
+and sniffs for mines,</p>
+<p class="i2">And he growls when the murderous shrapnel flies
+screaming above the lines;</p>
+<p class="i2">His little black nose is a-quiver with glee whenever
+a raid is on,</p>
+<p class="i2">And they say with pride, "<i>C'est la guerre
+elle-m&ecirc;me, notre Poilu de Carcassonne!</i>"</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">There was none more glad when they went to rest in
+their billet, a ruined shack,</p>
+<p class="i2">But when they returned to the front-line trench he
+was just as pleased to be back;</p>
+<p class="i2">He's the spirit of fun itself, and so when other men
+feel blue,</p>
+<p class="i2">His friends remark, "<i>Le cafard, quoi? On l'connait
+pas chez nous!</i>"</p>
+<p class="i2">So when you drink to the valiant French and the
+glorious fights they've won</p>
+<p class="i2">Just raise your glass to a little white dog that came
+from Carcassonne.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page370" id="page370"></a>[pg
+370]</span>
+<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2>
+<p class="center">"LOYALTY."</p>
+<p>If you are a pernickety intellectual (<i>soi-disant</i>) you may
+really permit yourself to be faintly amused at the fiery zeal of
+the mystery-wrapt author of <i>Loyalty</i> for his (or, quite
+possibly, her) country's cause in this difficult hour. If you are
+cast in the common human mould that nowadays is seen for the
+glorious thing it is, you will respond to many single-minded,
+wholesome thoughts in the impassioned statement of his thesis. And
+if you happen to belong to that simple discredited breed, the
+English, so long overshadowed by the nimbler Britons, you may have
+quite a nice little private thrill of your own, a thrill of pride
+in your precious stone, and begin to think with seriousness of the
+advantages of "home rule all round" in an England-for-the-English
+mood, and of the value of a nationalism that is as irrational as
+conjugal or mother love&mdash;and as fine.</p>
+<p>The author's hero is an Englishman of the wandering type,
+assistant editor on a crank paper. The play is a protracted debate
+in four sessions, June, 1914; July, 1914; August, 1914; September,
+1916. And here the author makes his most serious mistake, the
+mistake made by Mr. HENRY ARTHUR JONES in his recent squib. If he
+had contrived his Little Navy folk, the proprietor, editor and
+revolving cranks as something more than mere caricatures, brands of
+straw prepared for his consuming bonfires, he would have
+strengthened, not weakened, his excellent case. He has quoted his
+enemies' mistakes without their excuses, their texts without their
+contexts. And that is a form of propaganda which can only touch the
+converted, or such of them as are not stirred by a sporting
+instinct to a certain mood of protest and a wish that the other
+fellow should be given a better start in the heresy hunt.</p>
+<p>The <i>dramatis personae</i>, then, divide themselves into the
+men of straw and the right sort. Of the former you have first
+<i>Sir Andrew Craig</i>, chairman of the party in his constituency
+and editor of <i>The New Standard</i> (there were indeed altogether
+new standards of efficiency, mentality and hospitality in that
+rather imaginative newspaper office of the First Act). Mr. FISHER
+WHITE gave us the courtly-obstinate old man to the life (this
+player has a way of removing straw). In the dramatic passage in
+which, returning after being broken in a German prison, he relates
+some of the horrors of which it is good for us to be reminded, he
+rose to the height of his fine talent. His exquisite
+elocution&mdash;a remarkable feat of virtuosity&mdash;was in itself
+a sheer delight.</p>
+<p><i>Mr. Stutchbury</i>, the editor, pacifist and sentimental
+democrat, was dealt to Mr. LENNOX PAWLE. He played his hand well.
+There was never such an editor outside Bedlam; but Mr. PAWLE is a
+resourceful person and by a score of clever tricks of gesture and
+business made a reasonable figure of fun for our obloquy. All but
+broken in the end, but still claiming that he had "the larger
+vision" (as he certainly had the larger diameter), there was a
+certain dignity of pathos in his exit, a late <i>amende</i> by an
+otherwise remorseless puppet-maker. Mr. SYDNEY PAXTON as a pillar
+of Nonconformity offered a clever study in the unctuous-grotesque;
+Mr. VINCENT STERNROYD sketched a portrait of a nut-consuming
+impenitent disarmamentist. The author is the first, so far as I
+know, to give public emphasis to the queer fact of natural history
+that there is some connection between extreme opinions and the
+prominence of the Adam's apple of the holder of them&mdash;a fact
+on which I have often pondered.</p>
+<p>Mr. M. MORAND, the aggressive Scots member of the election
+committee, inspired to great heights of insobriety by the return of
+his London-Scottish nephew from the Front, sounded a welcome human
+note, as did Mr. SAM LIVESEY, the Labour Member of the committee,
+shaken out of his detachment into an extreme explicitness of
+language by a Zeppelin raid experience. Mr. GEORGE BELLAMY'S Welsh
+Disestablisher and Mr. GRIFFITH HUMPHREYS' exuberant German
+press-agent of the pre-war period were both really shrewd
+studies.</p>
+<p>Of the right sort there were but five&mdash;and one of these,
+the editor's secretary, at heart an honest patriot, but in fact
+eating the bread of shame, was perhaps not altogether of the right
+sort. Still he did get off his chest at last the pent-up passion of
+years, and very well he did it, with the help of Mr. RANDLE AYRTON,
+whose subtle little touches, building up a picture of a
+disheartened hack, were very adroit indeed.</p>
+<div class="figright" style="width:50%;"><a href=
+"images/370.png"><img width="100%" src="images/370.png" alt=
+"" /></a>THE LIGHTER SIDE OF EDITORIAL LIFE.<br />
+<br />
+<i>Frank Aylett</i> . . . . . . . . MR. C. AUBREY SMITH.<br />
+<i>Anthea Craig</i> . . . . . . . . . . . MISS VIOLA TREE.</div>
+<p>Then there was young <i>Henry Craig</i>, at the beginning an
+undergraduate in his last term, at the end a V.C. in his last
+resting-place. Mr. PERCIVAL CLARKE'S was an adequate pleasant
+study. So also was Mr. PHILIP ANTHONY'S of a Canadian, full of
+strange idioms, who butted in to just the wrong corner of Fleet
+Street to put the editor wise about the intentions of a Germany in
+which he had spent his last two years. And then there was
+splendidly English <i>Frank Aylett</i>, exile returned, unspoilt by
+the cynicism of party and paper, whose fortune came to him just at
+the psychological moment, enabling him to give his proprietor
+notice and fight and win a by-election in the astonied man's own
+constituency, besides carrying off his daughter (Miss VIOLA TREE),
+who was the fifth of the right sort. What more plausible English
+hero than Mr. C. AUBREY SMITH, except that he had to talk a good
+deal more than seemed appropriate to his type? There was a
+well-managed post-election scene when he was at his best (as was
+the author). And all through there was good and sometimes glorious
+sense for those to hear who had ears.</p>
+<p>The programme promised us about a month's interval between Acts
+I. and II. It was actually less than that; but if Mr. J.H. SQUIRE's
+musicianly orchestra had not been there to charm us we might
+conceivably have been bored.</p>
+<p class="author">T.</p>
+<hr />
+<h4>More Commercial Candour.</h4>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"FOR SALE.&mdash;A 45 H.P., 6 cyl.&mdash;Car, touring body,
+fitted with every latest convenience. Exceptionally well sprung.
+Just purchased by owner and run under 1,000 miles. Guaranteed over
+25-galls. to the mile by Agents. Rs. 11,000."&mdash;<i>Indian
+Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page371" id="page371"></a>[pg
+371]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/371.png"><img width="100%" src="images/371.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>"DIVERSION" IN THE BALKANS.</h3>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>HEROES.</h3>
+<p>If the question were put to a company of young women, "What is
+the most thrilling experience you can have in a London street?" the
+odds are a thousand to one that they would reply that nothing could
+be more thrilling than to meet a famous actor in plain clothes and
+identify him. I am not a young woman myself, but I should be
+inclined to share their opinion. There is something about an actor
+in real life, moving along like a human being&mdash;one of
+us&mdash;that always stirs my pulse. It is exciting enough to see
+Mr. LLOYD GEORGE or Mr. ASQUITH or Sir OLIVER LODGE; but no one
+stirs the imagination like an actor.</p>
+<p>That is why I still tremble a little whenever I think of my good
+fortune the other afternoon in the Haymarket, and why my pen shakes
+as I commit the adventure to paper. For I met face to face two of
+the most successful actors in London&mdash;at the present moment,
+in the world.</p>
+<p>I was walking up the Haymarket in the rain, hoping, in spite of
+the new prohibitive rates, that I might see an empty cab, when I
+met them coming down. They were walking with a man whom I did not
+recognise, and, like me, were getting wet. One thinks of successful
+actors as riding always in taxis; but taxis are very rare nowadays,
+particularly in the wet, and somehow it did not seem unnatural that
+they should be on foot. I am glad enough that they were, or I
+should have missed my <i>frisson</i>; and others would have
+suffered a similar loss, for the recognition was not only on my
+part but on that of several passers-by, and it was instantaneous.
+Indeed, I heard one lady tell her companion the name of the play
+they are in and the extraordinary length of its run, and since she
+spoke loudly I thought how delightful it must be to be a theatrical
+celebrity and hear cordial things like that as you move about.
+Neither of them paid any attention, however, although their friend
+showed signs that the flattery had not escaped him; the two
+Illustrions (to coin a word) merely walked on, superior to our
+homage, and disappeared into Charles Street, where the stage door
+of His Majesty's is.</p>
+<p>Pouring though it was, and grovelling admirer of footlight
+favourites as I am, somehow I never thought to offer either of them
+my umbrella. But then one doesn't offer an umbrella to a donkey or
+a camel, even though they are two of the stars of <i>Chu Chin
+Chow</i>.</p>
+<hr />
+<h4>ANOTHER INJUSTICE.</h4>
+<p>From a Sinn Fein speech:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"When Ireland was silent England did not hear her cry
+out."&mdash;<i>Wicklow News-Letter</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"WHY SHOULD A RABBIT COST 2<i>s</i>. 3<i>d</i>.?</p>
+<p>"This question from a reader induces me to postpone until next
+week my analysis of the high cost of onions."&mdash;<i>Empire
+News</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>On the principle that it is better to make sure of the rabbit
+before arranging about the stuffing.</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Stockholm, Tuesday.</p>
+<p>"News from Finland shows that the Socialist leaders have lost
+control of the workmen, and all kinds of excesses are taking place.
+The present Commandant at Tornea was a sailor, the head of the
+passport office was a tailor, and the chief telegraphic censor a
+tinker."&mdash;<i>Central News</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>We miss the soldier, to say nothing of "apothecary, ploughboy,
+thief."</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Scholars and tragedians between them seem to have appropriated
+the right to keep Shakespeare's memory green. But there are other
+Richmonds in the field, humble Richmonds, not well read ... John of
+Gaunt, crying that his England 'never did nor never shall lie at
+the proud foot of a conqueror....'"&mdash;<i>The Times</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>The writer who thus deprived the <i>Bastard</i> in <i>King
+John</i> of his famous lines was, we infer, one of the "other
+Richmonds."</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page372" id="page372"></a>[pg
+372]</span>
+<h3>SUGAR.</h3>
+<p class="center">AN ELEGIAC ODE.</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Queen of the palate! Universal Sweet!</p>
+<p class="i4">Gastronomy's delectable Gioconda!</p>
+<p class="i2">Since with submission loyally I greet</p>
+<p class="i4">And follow out the regimen of RHONDDA,</p>
+<p class="i2">I cannot be considered indiscreet</p>
+<p class="i4">If I essay, but never go beyond, a</p>
+<p class="i2">Brief elegiac tribute to a sway</p>
+<p class="i2">By sterner needs now largely swept away.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Thy candy soothes the infant in its pram;</p>
+<p class="i4">Thou addest mellowness to old brown sherry;</p>
+<p class="i2">Thou glorifiest marmalade, on Cam</p>
+<p class="i4">And Isis making breakfast-tables merry;</p>
+<p class="i2">Thou lendest magic to the meanest jam</p>
+<p class="i4">Compounded of the most insipid berry;</p>
+<p class="i2">And canst convert the sourest crabs and quinces</p>
+<p class="i2">To jellies fit for epicures and princes.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Thou charmest unalloyed, in loaf or lumps</p>
+<p class="i4">Or crystals; brown and moist, or white and
+pounded;</p>
+<p class="i2">I never was so deeply in the dumps</p>
+<p class="i4">That, once thy fount of sweetness I had sounded,</p>
+<p class="i2">Courage returned not; even with the mumps</p>
+<p class="i4">I still could view with gratitude unbounded</p>
+<p class="i2">The navigators of heroic Spain</p>
+<p class="i2">Who found the New World&mdash;and the sugar-cane.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Sprinkled on buttered bread thou dost excite</p>
+<p class="i4">In human boys insatiable cravings;</p>
+<p class="i2">On Turkish (I regret to say) Delight</p>
+<p class="i4">Thou lurest them to dissipate their savings,</p>
+<p class="i2">Instead of banking them, or sitting tight,</p>
+<p class="i4">Or buying useful books and good engravings;</p>
+<p class="i2">And lastly, mixed with strawberries and cream,</p>
+<p class="i2">Thou art more than a dish, thou art a dream.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Before necessity, that knows no ruth,</p>
+<p class="i4">Ordained thy frugal use in tea and coffee,</p>
+<p class="i2">Some Stoics banned thee&mdash;men who in their
+youth</p>
+<p class="i4">Showed an unnatural dislike of toffee;</p>
+<p class="i2">For sweetness charms the normal human tooth,</p>
+<p class="i4">Sweetness inspires the singer's tenderest
+strophe,</p>
+<p class="i2">Since old LUCRETIUS musically chid</p>
+<p class="i2">The curse of life&mdash;<i>amari aliquid</i>.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2"><i>Eau sucr&eacute;e</i>, I admit, is rather tame</p>
+<p class="i4">Compared with beer or whisky blent with soda;</p>
+<p class="i2">But gallant Frenchmen, experts at this game,</p>
+<p class="i4">Commend it highly either as a <i>coda</i></p>
+<p class="i2">Or prelude to their meals, and much the same</p>
+<p class="i4">Is sherbet, which the Gaekwar of Baroda</p>
+<p class="i2">And other Oriental satraps quaff</p>
+<p class="i2">In preference to ale or half-and-half.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Nor must I fail, O potent saccharin!</p>
+<p class="i4">Thou chemic offspring of by-products coaly,</p>
+<p class="i2">Late comer on the culinary scene,</p>
+<p class="i4">To hail thy aid, although it may be lowly</p>
+<p class="i2">Even compared with beet; for thou hast been</p>
+<p class="i4">Employed in sweetening my roly-poly&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Thou whom I once regarded as a dose</p>
+<p class="i2">And now the active rival of glucose!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">But still I hear some jaundiced critic say,</p>
+<p class="i4">Some rigid self-appointed <i>censor morum</i>,</p>
+<p class="i2">"Why harp upon the pleasures of a day</p>
+<p class="i4">When freely sweetened was each cup and jorum,</p>
+<p class="i2">Ere stern controllers had begun to stay</p>
+<p class="i4">The genial outflow of the <i>fons leporum?</i></p>
+<p class="i2">Now sugar's scarce, and we must do without it,</p>
+<p class="i2">Why let regretful fancy play about it?"</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">True, yet it greatly goes against the grain,</p>
+<p class="i4">Unless one has the patience of Ulysses,</p>
+<p class="i2">Wholly and resolutely to refrain</p>
+<p class="i4">From dwelling on the memory of past blisses;</p>
+<p class="i2">Forbidden fruits allure the strong and sane;</p>
+<p class="i4">Joys loved but lost are what one chiefly misses;</p>
+<p class="i2">This is my best excuse if I deplore</p>
+<p class="i2">"So sad, so <i>sweet</i>, the days that are no
+more."</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>'TATERS.</h3>
+<p>SCENE: <i>At "The Plough and Horses</i>."</p>
+<p>"You seen Parson lately, George?"</p>
+<p>"Not lately I ain't, Luther."</p>
+<p>"Not since 'is 'taters be out o' ground?"</p>
+<p>"No. Finest crop in village, some do say."</p>
+<p>"That be right&mdash;sev'ral ton of 'em there be."</p>
+<p>"What to goodness do 'e want 'em all for, then? 'Im an' 's wife
+an' a maid 'll never eat all them 'taters."</p>
+<p>"I'll tell you what 'e says to me, for 'appen 'e'll say it to
+you, George, when 'e comes acrost you next. 'E says to me, 'I've
+growed as many potatoes as I've had strength to grow, an' they've
+prospered exceedin'ly,' 'e says, 'thank God! So if any deservin'
+folk in my parish gets through wi' their own crop an' wants more
+later on they 'as only to come to me, for I've growed more 'an my
+'ouse'old 'll eat if they was to eat all day.'"</p>
+<p>"'E be proud o' that?"</p>
+<p>"Fine an' proud 'e be."</p>
+<p>"An' yet it be some'at unfort'nate too. For all of us as is left
+in this 'ere parish 'as growed as many 'taters as they'll be like
+to need, same as 'e. So I don't see nought but disappointment for
+Parson an' a lot o' good 'taters lyin' to rot in their pies."</p>
+<p>"Some there be too fond o' Parson to let that 'appen. Me an' my
+wife be sendin' few of ours to London ev'ry week or so. So in due
+season we shall be free to go to Parson an' 'elp 'im through wi'
+'is, same as 'e wants us to. I 'ears as others is doin' some'at the
+same as us&mdash;fear is as too many'll tumble to the idea, which
+is why I'd 'ave you keep it fro' goin' further, George."</p>
+<p>"Silent as th' grave I'll be. So you're givin' your 'taters 'way
+to please Parson? Yet I do allus say as 'taters what a man grows
+wi' sweat of 'is own brow do beat all others in t' eatin'."</p>
+<p>"That may be; but us can't afford to be so mighty pernickerty in
+time o' war. Nor we ain't givin' nothin 'way in manner o' speakin'.
+Fair market price they gives for 'em in London. So it be somethin'
+in 'and in these 'ard times as well as savin' Parson from a bitter
+disappointment what 'e ain't done nothin' to deserve, so far as I
+can see."</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Two organ grinders, aged 23 and 16, were taken to Charing Cross
+Hospital to-day with bad injuries and severe shock, the result of a
+barrel organ getting out of control in
+Rosebery-avenue."&mdash;<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>They should try a less dangerous instrument next time.</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"'Seed potatoes' means potatoes grown in Scotland or Ireland in
+the year 1917, or grown in England or Wales in the year 1917 from
+seed grown in Scotland or Ireland in the year 1916, which will pass
+through a riddle having a 1-5/8-in. mesh, and will not pass through
+a riddle having a 1-5/8-in. mesh."&mdash;<i>Journal of the Board of
+Agriculture</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>We ourselves cannot get through any riddle of this kind.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page373" id="page373"></a>[pg
+373]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/373.png"><img width="100%" src="images/373.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Sergeant (instructing squad of volunteers in physical
+drill).</i> "THIS 'ERE HEXERCISE IS INTENDED TO 'ARDEN THE MUSCLES
+OF THE STUMMICK AND MAKE IT HIMPERVIOUS TO GERMAN BULLETS HIN CASE
+OF HINVASION."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+<p class="center"><i>(By Mr, Punch's Staff of Learned
+Clerks.)</i></p>
+<p>It is difficult within the ordinary limits of a review in these
+columns to say all that one feels or even to express adequately
+one's gratitude after reading the two volumes of Lord MORLEY'S
+generous and delightful <i>Recollections</i> (MACMILLAN). I seem to
+have been sitting with him in a large and comfortable library while
+the great Viscount rolled me out his mind, now breaking out into a
+glowing eulogy of GEORGE MEREDITH, JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN or LESLIE
+STEPHEN, or again dashing off with a few firm and skilful strokes a
+portrait of JOHN MILL or HERBERT SPENCER, or some other
+intellectual giant of that nineteenth century which Lord MORLEY
+nobly defends and of which he himself was <i>grande decus
+columenque</i>. The book is crammed with passages that arouse and
+maintain pleasure in the reader and clamour for quotation on the
+part of the reviewer. "Meredith," we are told, "who did not know
+Mill in person, once spoke to me of him, with the confident
+intuition proper to imaginative genius, as partaking of the
+Spinster. Disraeli, when Mill made an early speech in Parliament,
+raised his eye-glass and murmured to a neighbour on the bench, 'Ah,
+the Finishing Governess.'" Or we are introduced to SPENCER at
+MILL'S table: "The host said to him at dessert that Grote, who was
+present, would like to hear him explain one or more of his views
+about the equilibration of molecules in some relation or other.
+Spencer, after an instant of good-natured hesitation, complied with
+unbroken fluency for a quarter-of-an-hour or more. Grote followed
+every word intently, and in the end expressed himself as well
+satisfied. Mill, as we moved off into the drawing-room, declared to
+me his admiration of a wonderful piece of lucid exposition.
+Fawcett, in a whisper, asked me if I understood a word of it, for
+he did not. Luckily I had no time to answer." Or again: "Another
+contributor [to <i>The Saturday Review</i>] was the important man
+who became Lord SALISBURY. He and I were alone together in the
+editorial anteroom every Tuesday morning, awaiting our commissions,
+but he too had a talent for silence, and we exchanged no words,
+either now or on any future occasion." How charming a picture is
+this of two shy British publicists maintaining towards one another,
+against every possible discouragement, an inviolable silence. Not
+even the weather could tempt them to break it. Yet the great
+characteristic of this book is the large-hearted tolerance of
+comment and judgment which makes it emphatically a friendly book.
+As such I commend it with all the warmth in my power.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>For her new story, <i>Missing</i> (COLLINS), Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD
+has used her knowledge, already proved elsewhere, of two settings,
+the English Lakes and a Base Hospital somewhere in France. Also
+perhaps her knowledge of human nature, though I like to think that
+there are not many elder sisters so calculatingly callous as
+<i>Bridget</i>. The bother about her was that she sadly wanted her
+attractive younger sister to marry a sufficient establishment, not,
+I fear, from wholly altruistic motives. So she was not altogether
+sorry when the impecunious soldier-husband, whom <i>Nelly</i> had
+personally preferred, was reported missing, thus leaving that to
+chance once again open. Then, just as her plans seemed to be
+prospering, word came secretly to her that there was a man
+shattered and with memory lost in a base hospital who might
+possibly be the brother-in-law whom she so emphatically didn't
+want. What happens <span class="pagenum"><a name="page374" id=
+"page374"></a>[pg 374]</span> upon this you shall find out for
+yourself. Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD, as you will notice, has no fear of a
+dramatic, even melodramatic, situation; handles it, indeed, with a
+skill that the most popular might envy. Thence onwards the story,
+perhaps a trifle slow in starting, gathers force. The two visits to
+the camp at X&mdash;&mdash; (a very thin disguise for a place that
+no Englishman of our time will ever forget) are admirably vivid;
+the last chapters especially being as moving as anything that Mrs.
+WARD has given us, whether in her popular, profound or propagandist
+manner.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Lately, Mr. E.F. BENSON seems to have been devoting himself
+almost wholly to chronicling the short and simple annals of the
+middle-aged. With one exception, all his recent protagonists have
+been, if not exactly in the sere and yellow, at least ripely
+mature. So that such a title as that of his latest novel, <i>An
+Autumn Solving</i> (COLLINS), produced in me rather a feeling of
+familiar expectancy than of surprise. Also when the wrapper artist
+clothes a volume with a picture of an elderly gentleman obviously
+giving up an attractive young woman of perhaps one-third his years
+it is idle to pretend that the contents retain all the thrill of
+the unforeseen. Having said so much, I can let myself go in praise
+(as how often before) of those qualities of insight and gently
+sub-acid humour that make a BENSON novel an interlude of pure
+enjoyment to the "jaded reviewer." In case the indiscreet cover may
+happily have been removed before the volume reaches your hands, I
+do not propose to give away the plot in any detail. The autumn
+sowing of course produces a crop not exactly of wild oats, but of
+romantic tares that springs in the hitherto barren heart of one
+<i>Keeling</i>, prosperous tradesman, husband, father, mayor,
+public benefactor and baronet, by reason of the too sympathetic
+damsel who types his letters and catalogues his library. That
+library shows Mr. BENSON'S genius; without it I should hardly have
+been able to believe in the subsequent happenings, but, given this
+"secret garden," all the tragedy is explained. I have left myself
+no space in which to do justice to some admirable characterization.
+<i>Keeling's</i> wife is worthy of a place in the author's long
+gallery of woolly-witted matrons; while in <i>Silverdale</i> he has
+given a study of clerical futility and egotism almost savage in its
+detestability, a portrait at which one laughs and shudders
+together. Of course the book will have, and deserve, a huge
+welcome.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The union of scholarship and sympathy, enthusiasm and eloquence,
+is rare; yet these qualities are to be found in perfect harmony in
+the stately volume on the poets' poet which has just been published
+under the style, on the cover, <i>Life of John Keats</i>, and on
+the title-page, <i>John Keats, His Life and Poetry, His Friends,
+Critics and After-Fame</i> (MACMILLAN)&mdash;a volume upon which
+Sir SIDNEY COLVIN has been engaged ever since his retirement from
+the Print Room of the British Museum, and may be said to have been
+preparing to write all his days, ever since, as a boy, he first
+opened the "magic casement." A book representing so long and ardent
+a devotion, and written by one whose loyalties have always been so
+cordially sustained and acknowledged, could not but glow; and it is
+its warmth of feeling which, to my mind, peculiarly marks this very
+distinguished work. It is more than a life; it is a "companion" to
+KEATS so complete and understanding that one can with confidence
+apply to it the abused word, "definitive." Critical essays on the
+poet no doubt will continue to appear, but this is the last
+biographical monument likely to be raised to him.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Your enjoyment of <i>The Head of the Family</i> (METHUEN) may in
+a measure depend upon your capacity to appreciate <i>William
+Linkhorn</i> and the glory of his "great flaming beard." To me,
+unhappily, <i>William</i> was an uncouth rustic, just that and very
+little else; but he possessed some mysterious attraction for women;
+so, at any rate, Mrs. HENRY DUDENEY tells me, though she does not
+explain to my satisfaction what it was. <i>Phoebe-Louisa</i>
+married him partly because she wanted a man to help in her
+greengrocery; but what charm he had for her soon waned, and she
+smote hard when she caught him philandering with <i>Beausire
+Fillery</i>. It was all the lady's fault; <i>William</i> had, so to
+speak, only to wave his beard and she was at his feet. But if the
+hirsute feature of this story leaves me cold it is easy enough to
+enjoy and admire the rest. The <i>Firebraces</i>, spoken of here as
+"The Family," are most admirably drawn. Never has the condescension
+of county people to those less exalted in birth been described with
+more delightful irony. True that some of the <i>Firebraces</i>
+kicked over the traces and married whom they listed, but the family
+as a whole was rooted deep enough to stand shocks which would have
+devastated people of less assured position. The scenes of the story
+are laid in and around Lewes, a part of England dear to Mrs.
+DUDENEY'S heart, and of which she writes with real comprehension
+and devotion.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>By a self-denying ordinance Mr. Punch declines, as a general
+rule, to review in these columns the work of his Staff. But he may
+permit himself to announce to all lovers of the gay humour of
+"A.A.M." that Messrs. HODDER AND STOUGHTON have just brought out a
+new novel, <i>Once on a Time</i>, by Mr. ALAN A. MILNE, with
+illustrations by Mr. H. M. BROCK.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href=
+"images/374.png"><img width="100%" src="images/374.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p class="center">A CONSOLING THOUGHT.</p>
+<p><i>Belated Traveller (surprised by a bull when taking a short
+cut to the station).</i> "BY JOVE! I BELIEVE I SHALL CATCH THAT
+TRAIN AFTER ALL."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Alexander had his 'Plutarch' always under his
+pillow."&mdash;<i>British Weekly.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>This must have been a very early edition.</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Colombo is suffering from an attack of rabies and there have
+been 38 cases reported so far. In the first six months of the year
+1,300 days were destroyed."&mdash;<i>Singapore Free Press</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Let us hope that every day had its dog.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 153, NOV. 28, 1917***</p>
+<p>******* This file should be named 11443-h.txt or 11443-h.zip *******</p>
+<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br />
+<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/4/4/11443">https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/4/4/11443</a></p>
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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153,
+Nov. 28, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Nov. 28, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: March 4, 2004  [eBook #11443]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: US-ASCII
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 153, NOV. 28, 1917***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Andy Jewell, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 11443-h.htm or 11443-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/4/11443/11443-h/11443-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/4/11443/11443-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 153
+
+NOVEMBER 28, 1917
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"How the Germans never got wind of it," writes a correspondent of the
+British attack on the HINDENBURG line, "is a mystery." The failure of
+certain M.P.'s to ask questions about it in Parliament beforehand may
+have had something to do with it.
+
+       ***
+
+An order has been promulgated fixing the composition of horse chaff. The
+approach of the pantomime season is thought to be responsible for it.
+
+       ***
+
+"We are particularly anxious," writes the Ministry of Food, "that
+Christmas plum-puddings should not be kept for any length of time." A
+Young Patriots' League has been formed, we understand, whose members are
+bent on carrying out Lord RHONDDA'S wishes at any cost to their parents.
+
+       ***
+
+Another birthplace of ST. GEORGE has been captured in Palestine. It is
+now definitely established that the sainted warrior's habit of trying to
+carry-on in two places at the same time was the subject of much adverse
+criticism by the military experts of the period.
+
+       ***
+
+A Camberley man charged with deserting the Navy and joining the Army
+explained that he was tired of waiting for TIRPITZ to come out. We
+are informed that Commander CARLYON BELLAIRS, M.P., and Admiral W.H.
+HENDERSON have been asked to enlighten the poor fellow as to the true
+state of affairs.
+
+       ***
+
+A skull of the Bronze Age has been found on Salisbury Plain. Several
+hats of the brass age have also been seen in the vicinity.
+
+       ***
+
+Imports of ostrich feathers have fallen from L33,000 in 1915 to L182
+in 1917. Ostrich farmers, it appears, are on the verge of ruin as
+the result of their inability to obtain scissors and other suitable
+foodstuffs for the birds.
+
+       ***
+
+"Measures are being taken to check pacifists," says Sir GEORGE CAVE.
+Prison-yard measures, we hope.
+
+       ***
+
+A Stoke Newington constable has discovered a happy method of taking
+people's minds off their food troubles. During the last month he has
+served fifty of them with dog-summonses.
+
+       ***
+
+Five hundred pounds have been sent to the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER
+by an anonymous donor. It is thought that the man is concealing his
+identity to avoid being made a baronet.
+
+       ***
+
+"What is the use of corporations if they can do nothing useful?" asks
+Councillor STOCK, of Margate. It is an alluring topic, but a patriotic
+Press has decided that it must be postponed in favour of the War.
+
+       ***
+
+During trench-digging on Salisbury Plain the skeleton of a young man,
+apparently buried about the year 600 B.C., was unearthed. The skull was
+partially fractured, evidently by a battle-axe. Foul play is suspected.
+
+       ***
+
+Sugar was sold for half-a-guinea a pound at a charity sale in the
+South of England, and local grocers are complaining bitterly of unfair
+competition.
+
+       ***
+
+A contemporary points out that there is a soldier in the North
+Staffordshire Regiment whose name is DOUGLAS HAIG. Riots are reported in
+Germany.
+
+       ***
+
+"Can Fish Smell?" asks a weekly paper headline. We can only say that in
+our experience they sometimes do, especially on a Monday.
+
+       ***
+
+An employer pleading for an applicant before the Egham Tribunal stated
+that he had an oil-engine which nobody else would go near. We cannot
+help thinking that much might be done with a little tact, such as going
+up to the engine quietly and stroking its face, or even making a noise
+like a piece of oily waste.
+
+       ***
+
+Germany's new Hymn of Hate has been published. To give greater effect to
+the thing and make it more fearful, Germans who contemplate singing it
+are requested to grow side-whiskers.
+
+       ***
+
+It is rumoured that since his recent tirade at York against newspapers
+Dr. LYTTELTON has been made an Honorary Member of the Society of
+Correctors of the Press.
+
+       ***
+
+_The Evening News_ informs us that Mr. HENRY WHITE, a grave-digger of
+Hellingly, has just dug his thousandth grave. Congratulations to our
+contemporary upon being the first to spread the joyful news.
+
+       ***
+
+Unfortunately, says _The Daily Mail_, Lord NORTHCLIFFE cannot be in four
+places at once. Pending a direct contradiction from the new Viscount
+himself, we can only counsel the country to bear this announcement with
+fortitude.
+
+       ***
+
+Only the other day _The Daily Chronicle_ referred to the Premier as "Mr.
+George," just as if it had always been a penny paper.
+
+       ***
+
+The rush to a certain Northern suburb has died down. The rumour that
+there was a polite grocer there turns out to be cruelly at variance with
+the facts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JOY-RIDING UP-TO-DATE.
+
+THE UNDEFEATED WAR-PROFITEER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER SEX-PROBLEM.
+
+    "Plaintiff was the daughter of an officer in the Royal Irish
+    Constabulary, and was a grand-nephew of Dr. Abernethy, the famous
+    surgeon."--_Evening Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a recent novel:--
+
+    "His face was of the good oatmeal type, and grew upon one."
+
+Useful in these days of rations.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+From _The New Statesman's_ comment on Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S Paris speech.
+
+    "He does try to be Biblical sometimes. In the Paris speech he used
+    the unnatural word 'yea' twice. Each time it gave one shudders down
+    the back."
+
+No doubt next time, in view of our obligations to U.S.A., the PRIME
+MINISTER will say "Yep."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE VICTORY.
+
+[_For J.B., with the author's affectionate pride._]
+
+HINDENBURG TO MACKENSEN.
+
+  Dear MAC, in that prodigious thrust
+  In which your valiant legions vie
+  With HANNIBAL'S renown, I trust
+  You go a shade more strong than I;
+  Lately I've lost a lot of scalps,
+  Which is a dem'd unpleasant thing;
+  You may enjoy the Julian Alps--
+  I do not like this JULIAN BYNG.
+
+  I find him full of crafty pranks:
+  Without the usual warning fire
+  He loosed his beastly rows of tanks
+  And sent 'em wallowing through my wire;
+  For days and days he kept the lid
+  Hard down upon his low designs,
+  Then simply walked across and did
+  Just what he liked with all my lines.
+
+  The fellow doesn't keep the rules;
+  Experts (I'm one myself) advise
+  That in trench-warfare even fools
+  Cannot be taken by surprise;
+  It isn't done; and yet he came
+  With never a previous "Are you there?"
+  And caught me--this is not the game--
+  Bending my thoughtful gaze elsewhere.
+
+  _Later_.--My route is toward the rear.
+  Where I shall stand and stop the rot
+  Lord only knows; and now I hear
+  Your forward pace is none too hot;
+  Indeed, with BYNG upon the burst,
+  If at this rate I make for home,
+  I doubt not who will get there first,
+  I to the Rhine, or you to Rome.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LITERARY ADVISER.
+
+No, he does not appear in the _Gazette_. War establishments know him
+not and his appointment throws no additional labour upon the staff of
+Messrs. COX AND CO. Unofficially he is known as O.C. Split Infinitives.
+His duties are to see that the standard of literary excellence, which
+makes the correspondence of the Corps a pleasure to receive, is
+maintained at the high level set by the Corps Commander himself. Indeed
+the velvety quality of our prose is the envy of all other formations.
+
+Apart from duties wholly literary, he is also O.C. Code Names. The
+stock-in-trade for this skilled labour is an H.B. pencil and a Webster
+Dictionary. The routine is simplicity itself. As soon as anybody informs
+him of a new arrival in the area he fishes out the dictionary, plays
+Tit-Tat-Toe with the H.B., writes out the word that it lands upon at the
+end of his rhyme, and, hey presto! there is another day's work done.
+
+But one day, for the sake of greater secrecy, it became necessary to
+rename all the units of the area, and the Literary Adviser suddenly
+found himself put to it to provide about three hundred new Code Names at
+once. Heroically he set to work with his dictionary, his H.B. pencil,
+and his little rhyme. For two days the Resplendent Ones in the General
+Staff Office bore patiently with the muttering madman in the corner.
+For two days he fluttered the leaves of his dictionary and
+whispered hoarsely to himself, "Tit-tat-toe, my-first-go,
+three-jolly-nigger-boys-all-in-a-_row_," picking out word after word
+with unerring accuracy until the dictionary was a waste of punctures and
+three generations of H.B.'s had passed away. Before the second day was
+out the jingle had done its dreadful work. It was as much as the clerks
+could do to avoid keeping step with it. The climax came when the Senior
+Resplendent One, looking down at the telegram he was writing, found to
+his horror that he had written, "Situation quiet Tit-Tat-Toe. Hostile
+artillery activity normal Tit-Tat-Toe," and so on, substituting this
+abomination in place of the official stop, ("Ack-Ack-Ack") throughout.
+
+It was enough. Still gibbering, the Literary Adviser was hurled forth
+from the office and told to work his witchcraft in solitude.
+
+Paler, thinner and older by years he emerged from his retirement
+triumphant, and the new code names went forth to a flourish of trumpets
+or rather of the hooters of the despatch-riders.
+
+Then it began. For days he was subjected to rigorous criticisms of his
+selection. "Signals" tripped him up first by pointing out two units with
+the same name, and they also went on to point out that the word was
+spelt "cable" in the first instance and "cabal" in the second. The
+gunners, working in groups, complained bitterly that a babel had arisen
+through the similarity of the words allotted to their groups. One
+infuriated battery commander said it was as much as he could do to get
+anyone else on the telephone but himself.
+
+Touched to the quick by criticism (when was it ever otherwise amongst
+his kind?) the Adviser set aside his real work (he was, of course,
+writing a book about the War) and applied himself to, the task of
+straightening the tangle. Obviously the ideal combination would be for
+each unit to have a code name that nobody could mistake no matter how
+badly it was pronounced. And to this ideal he applied himself. Often, on
+fine afternoons, the serenity of the country-side was disturbed by the
+voice of one crying in the wilderness, "Soap--Silk--Salvage--Sympathy,"
+to see if any dangerous similarity existed. At dinner a glaze would
+suddenly come over his eyes, his lips would move involuntarily and
+mutter, as he gazed into vacancy, "Mustard--Mutton--Meat--Muffin."
+
+Histrionic effort played no small part in these attempts and
+led to a good deal of misunderstanding, for he felt it incumbent
+on him to try his codes in every possible dialect. Instead of
+the usual cheery "Good morning," a major of a famous Highland
+regiment was scandalised by an elderly subaltern blethering out,
+"Cannibal--Custard--Claymore--Caramel," in an abominable Scotch accent.
+Another day (on receipt of written orders) he was compelled to visit the
+line to see if things had been built as reported, or, if it was just
+optimism again. Half-an-hour later a sentry brought him down the trench
+at the point of the bayonet for muttering as he rounded the traverse,
+"Galoot--Gunning--Grumble--Grumpy," in pseudo-Wessex. Naturally, to
+Native Yorkshire this sounded like pure Bosch.
+
+Ah! but he won through in the end. The man who has stood five years of
+unsuccessful story-writing for magazines is not the kind to let himself
+be beaten easily. There could be no doubt of the final result. When the
+revised list was issued the response to the inquiry, "Hullo, is that
+Sink?" was met by a "No, this is Smack," that crashed through the
+thickest intellect.
+
+But vaulting ambition had o'erleapt itself. As a covering note to the
+new issue he had put up the following letter:--
+
+"Ref. G K etc., etc., of 10th inst. On November 3rd all previous issues
+of Code Names will be cancelled in favour of the more euphonious
+nomenclature which is forwarded herewith."
+
+A shriek of joy echoed through the corps. "Euphonious!" What a word!
+What a discovery in a foreign country! The joy of the signal operators,
+on whom something of the spirit of the old-time bus-drivers has
+descended, was indescribable. You had only to pick up the receiver at
+any time and the still small voices of the busy signal world could be
+heard chortling, "Hullo-oo? Hullo, Euphonious! How's your father?
+Yes, give me Crump." Or, "No, I can't get the General; he's left his
+euphonious receiver off."
+
+Poor Euphonious (he has never been called by anything else since)--they
+have threatened to make him O.C. Recreations for Troops.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BIRDS OF ILL OMEN.
+
+MR. PUNCH. "ONLY GOT HIM IN THE TAIL, SIR."
+
+THE MAN FROM WHITEHALL. "YES, BUT I MEAN TO GET THE NEXT ONE IN THE
+NECK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress_. "I HOPE YOU'RE DOING WHAT YOU CAN TO
+ECONOMISE THE FOOD."
+
+_Cook_. "OH, YES'M. WE'VE PUT THE CAT ON MILK-AN'-WATER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PARS WITH A PUNCH.
+
+ALL THE REAL NEWS ABOUT MEN, WOMEN AND THINGS.
+
+BY OUR RAMBLING GOSSIP.
+
+_(With acknowledgments to some of our contemporaries.)_
+
+_A Long-Felt Want._
+
+
+The opening, next week, of a Training School for Bus and Tube Travellers
+will, it is hoped, supply a long-felt want in the Metropolis. I
+understand that a month's course at the establishment will enable the
+feeblest of mortals to hold his own and more in the fearful melee that
+rages daily round train and vehicle. I have a prospectus before me as
+I write; here are some of its sub-heads: "The Strap-Hanger's
+Stranglehold," "Foot Frightfulness," "How to Enter a Bus Secretly," "The
+Umbrella Barrage," "Explosives--When their Use is Justified," "What to
+do when the Conductor Falls off the Bus." This certainly promises a
+speedy amelioration of present-day travelling conditions.
+
+
+_Timbuctoo Tosh_.
+
+Last week, when all those ridiculous rumours anent Timbuctoo were flying
+about, you will remember how I warned you to set no faith in them. You
+will admit that I was a good counsellor. Nothing _has_ happened at
+Timbuctoo. I doubt very much whether anything _could_ happen there.
+
+
+_Hush!_
+
+On the other hand, keep your eye on a spot not a thousand miles away
+from Clubland. Something will certainly happen there some day, and, when
+it does, bear in mind that I warned you.
+
+
+_Amazing Discovery._
+
+Mr. ROOSEVELT'S discovery that, unknown to himself, he has been blind in
+one eye for over a year, is surely surpassed by the experience of Mr.
+Caractacus Crowsfeet, the popular M.P. for Slushington, who has just
+learnt, as the result of a cerebral operation, that he possesses no
+brain whatever. "It is indeed remarkable," said Mr. C. to me the other
+day, "for I can truthfully assert that in all my arduous political
+labours of the past ten years I have never felt the need or even
+noticed the absence of this organ." He coughed modestly. "I have always
+maintained that in politics it is the man, not the mind, that counts."
+
+
+_She Has One!_
+
+Mrs. Zebulon Napthaliski proposes to spend the winter on her Brighton
+estate. "Yes--I _have_ received my sugar card," she told me, in answer
+to my eager query. "More than that I cannot say."
+
+
+_Fare and Foliage._
+
+That charming fashion of decorating the dinner-table with foliage will
+be all the rage this winter. Well-known London hostesses, basket on arm,
+may daily be seen in Mayfair garnering fallen leaves from lawn, path or
+roadside. Some very daring Society women are dispensing altogether with
+a cloth, the table being covered with a complete layer of leaves. I
+doubt, however, whether this will become popular, guests showing a
+tendency to mislay their knives and forks in the foliage.
+
+
+_A Bon Mot._
+
+Have you heard the latest _bon mot_ that is going the round of the
+clubs? Mrs. Savory Beet, of Pacifist fame, has, as you will recall,
+announced her intention of taking up war work. "Ah!" was the comment of
+a cynical bachelor, "it was a case of her taking up something or being
+taken up herself!" His audience simply screamed with laughter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Watch Out!_
+
+Don't be surprised if you hear of some sensational political
+developments in the near future. The Minister who said recently that
+the inevitable sequel to war was peace, was, in the opinion of those
+competent to judge but, by reason of their official position, unable to
+criticise, hinting at proposals which, if the signs and portents of the
+time go for anything, would have far-reaching effects on the question of
+Electoral Representation. I will say no more. Time alone will disclose
+my meaning.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Urchin (with an inborn terror of the Force)._ "Oo,
+MUVVER! IT WON'T, WILL IT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OMINOUS.
+
+    "----went every morning to a firm of sausage-makers by whom he was
+    employed as a horse-dealer."--_Irish Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Rome, Saturday.
+
+    "The announcement is made to-day of the award by the King [of Italy]
+    of gold medals to Lieutenant Giuseppe Castruccio and I sentence him
+    to three months' hard."--_Manchester Evening Chronicle_.
+
+When will British journalists learn not to interfere with the internal
+affairs of friendly nations?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAST MATCH.
+
+  This is the last, the very, very last.
+  Its gay companions, who so snugly lay
+  Within the corners of their fragile home,
+  All, all are lightly fled and surely gone;
+  And their survivor lingers in his pride,
+  The last of all the matches in the house;
+  For Mr. Siftings says he has no more,
+  And Siftings is an honourable man,
+  And would not state a fact that was not so.
+  For now he has himself to do without
+  The flaming boon of matches, having none,
+  And cannot furnish us as he desires,
+  Being a grocer and the best of men,
+  But murmurs vaguely of a future week
+  When matches shall be numerous again
+  As leaves in Vallombrosa and as cheap.
+  Blinks, the tobacconist, he too is spent
+  With weary waiting in a matchless land;
+  What Siftings cannot get cannot be got
+  By men like Blinks, that young tobacconist,
+  Who tried with all a patriot's fiery zeal
+  To join the Army, but was sent away
+  For varicose and too protuberant veins;
+  And being foiled of all his high intent
+  Now minds the shop and is a Volunteer,
+  Drilling on Sundays with the rest of them;
+  He too, amid his hoards of cigarettes,
+  Is void of matches as he's full of veins.
+  So here's a good match in a naughty world,
+  And what to do with it I do not know,
+  Save that somehow, when all the place is still,
+  It shall explode and spurt and flame and burn
+  Slowly away, not having thus achieved
+  The lighting of a pipe or any act
+  Of usefulness, but having spent itself
+  In lonely grandeur as befits the last
+  Of all the varied matches I have known.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR SAMSONS.
+
+    "Wanted at once.--Reliable Man for carrying off motor
+    lorry."--_Clitheroe Advertiser_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To-day the man possesses a second tumb, serviceable for all
+    ordinary purposes."--_Belfast Evening Telegraph_.
+
+In these days of restricted rations it seems a superflous luxury.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Diamond Brooch, 15 cwt., set with three blue white diamonds; make a
+    handsome present; L9 9s."--_Derby Daily Telegraph_.
+
+It seems a lot for the money; but personally we would sooner have the
+same weight of coals.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WAY DOWN.
+
+SYDNEY SMITH, or NAPOLEON or MARCUS AURELIUS (somebody about that time)
+said that after ten days any letter would answer itself. You see what
+he meant. Left to itself your invitation from the Duchess to lunch next
+Tuesday is no longer a matter to worry about by Wednesday morning. You
+were either there or not there; it is unnecessary to write now and say
+that a previous invitation from the PRIME MINISTER--and so on. It was
+NAPOLEON'S idea (or Dr. JOHNSON'S or MARK ANTONY'S--one of that circle)
+that all correspondence can be treated in this manner.
+
+I have followed these early Masters (or whichever one it was) to the
+best of my ability. At any given moment in the last few years there have
+been ten letters that I absolutely _must_ write, thirty which I _ought_
+to write, and fifty which any other person in my position _would_ have
+written. Probably I have written two. After all, when your profession
+is writing, you have some excuse on returning home in the evenings for
+demanding a change of occupation. No doubt if I were a coal-heaver by
+day, my wife would see to the fire after dinner while I wrote letters.
+As it is, she does the correspondence, while I gaze into the fire and
+think about things.
+
+You will say, no doubt, that this was all very well before the War, but
+that in the Army a little writing would be a pleasant change after the
+day's duties. Allow me to disillusion you. If, three years ago, I ever
+conceived a glorious future in which my autograph might be of value to
+the more promiscuous collectors, that conception has now been shattered.
+Three years in the Army has absolutely spoilt the market. Even were
+I revered in the year 2,000 A.D. as SHAKSPEARE is revered now, my
+half-million autographs, scattered so lavishly on charge-sheets, passes,
+chits, requisitions, indents and applications would keep the price at a
+dead level of about ten a penny. No, I have had enough of writing in
+the Army and I never want to sign my own name again. "Yours sincerely,
+HERBERT ASQUITH," "Faithfully yours, J. JELLICOE"--these by all means;
+but not my own.
+
+However, I wrote a letter the other day; it was to the bank. It informed
+them that I had arrived in London for a time and should be troubling
+them again shortly, London being to all appearances an expensive place.
+It also called attention to my new address--a small furnished flat in
+which Celia and I can just turn round if we do it separately. When
+it was written, there came the question of posting it. I was all for
+waiting till the next morning, but Celia explained that there was
+actually a letter-box on our own floor, twenty yards down the passage. I
+took the letter along and dropped it into the slit.
+
+Then a wonderful thing happened. It went
+
+_Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-
+flipperty-flipperty-flipperty--FLOP._
+
+I listened intently, hoping for more ... but that was all. Deeply
+disappointed that it was over, but absolutely thrilled with my
+discovery, I hurried back to Celia.
+
+"Any letters you want posted?" I said in an off-hand way.
+
+"No, thank you," she said.
+
+"Have you written any while we've been here?"
+
+"I don't think I've had anything to write."
+
+"I think," I said reproachfully, "it's quite time you wrote to
+your--your bank or your mother or somebody."
+
+She looked at me and seemed to be struggling for words.
+
+"I know exactly what you're going to say," I said, "but don't say it;
+write a little letter instead."
+
+"Well, as a matter of fact I _must_ just write a note to the laundress."
+
+"To the laundress," I said. "Of course, just a note."
+
+When it was written I insisted on her coming with me to post it. With
+great generosity I allowed her to place it in the slit. A delightful
+thing happened. It went
+
+_Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-
+flipperty-flipperty-flipperty--FLOP._
+
+Right down to the letter-box in the hall. Two flipperties a floor. (A
+simple calculation shows that we are perched on the fifth floor. I am
+glad now that we live so high. It must be very dull to be on the fourth
+floor with only eight flipperties, unbearable to be on the first with
+only two.)
+
+"_O-oh!_ How _fas_-cinating!" said Celia.
+
+"Now don't you think you ought to write to your mother?"
+
+"Oh, I _must_."
+
+She wrote. We posted it. It went
+
+_Flipperty-flipperty_----However, you know all about that now.
+
+Since this great discovery of mine, life has been a more pleasurable
+business. We feel now that there are romantic possibilities about
+letters setting forth on their journey from our floor. To start life
+with so many flipperties might lead to anything. Each time that we send
+a letter off we listen in a tremble of excitement for the final FLOP,
+and when it comes I think we both feel vaguely that we are still
+waiting for something. We are waiting to hear some magic letter go
+_flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty_ ... and behold! there is
+no FLOP ... and still it goes on--_flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-
+flipperty_--growing fainter in the distance ... until it arrives at
+some wonderland of its own. One day it must happen so. For we cannot
+listen always for that FLOP, and hear it always; nothing in this world
+is as inevitable as that. One day we shall look at each other with awe
+in our faces and say, "But it's still flipperting!" and from that time
+forward the Hill of Campden will be a place holy and enchanted. Perhaps
+on Midsummer Eve--
+
+At any rate I am sure that it is the only way in which to post a letter
+to Father Christmas.
+
+Well, what I want to say is this: if I have been a bad correspondent in
+the past I am a good one now; and Celia, who was always a good one, is
+a better one. It takes at least ten letters a day to satisfy us, and we
+prefer to catch ten different posts. With the ten in your hand together
+there is always a temptation to waste them in one wild rush of
+flipperties, all catching each other up. It would be a great moment, but
+I do not think we can afford it yet; we must wait until we get even more
+practised at letter-writing. And even then I am doubtful; for it might
+be that, lost in the confusion of that one wild rush, the magic letter
+would start on its way--_flipperty-flipperty_--to the never-land, and we
+should forever have missed it.
+
+So, friends, acquaintances, yes, and even strangers. I beg you now to
+give me another chance. I will answer your letters, how gladly. I
+still think that NAPOLEON (or CANUTE or the younger PLINY--one of the
+pre-Raphaelites) took a perfectly correct view of his correspondence ...
+but then _he_ Never had a letter-box which went
+
+_Flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-flipperty-
+flipperty-flipperty-flipperty--FLOP._
+
+A.A.M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE H.D. AND Q. DEPARTMENT.
+
+    "Major-General F.G. Bond is gazetted Director of Quartering at the
+    War Office."
+
+Pacifists beware!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "DIRTY WORK AT DOWNING STREET. BY HORATIO BOTTOMLEY."
+
+    _John Bull._
+
+They shouldn't have let him in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Officer._ "WHY WERE YOU NOT AT ROLL-CALL LAST NIGHT?"
+
+_Defaulter._ "WELL, SIR, WITH THIS 'ERE CAMP CAMOUFLAGED SO MUCH, I
+COULDN'T FIND MY WAY OUT OF THE CANTEEN."]
+
+COUNTER TACTICS.
+
+About a year ago I paid a visit to my hosier and haberdasher with
+the intention of purchasing a few things with which to tide over
+the remaining months of winter. After the preliminary discussion of
+atmospherics had been got through, the usual raffle of garments was
+spread about for my inspection. I viewed it dispassionately. Then,
+discarding the little vesties of warm-blooded youth and the double-width
+vestums of rheumatic old age, I chose several commonplace woollen
+affairs and was preparing to leave when my hosier and haberdasher leaned
+across the counter and whispered in my ear.
+
+"If I may advise you, Sir, you would be wise to make a large selection
+of these articles. We do not expect to replace them."
+
+He glanced cautiously at an elderly gentleman who was stirring up a box
+of ties, then, lowering his voice another semitone, added, "The mills
+are now being used exclusively for Government work." He insinuated the
+death-sentence effect very cleverly, and at that moment, coming to his
+support, as it were, the old gentleman tottered up, seized upon two
+garments and carried them off from under my very fingers. As he went out
+a middle-aged lady entered and made straight for the residue upon the
+counter. A feeling of panic came upon me. "Right you are," I exclaimed
+hurriedly, "I'll take the lot." As a matter of fact she only wanted a
+pair of gloves for her nephew in France.
+
+A few days later, still having the wool shortage in mind, I approached
+my hosier and haberdasher on the subject of shirts. For a second or two
+he looked thoughtfully at the toe of his boot. Then coming suddenly to a
+decision he disappeared stealthily into the back premises, from which
+he presently emerged carrying a large bale of flannel, which he cast
+caber-wise upon the counter.
+
+"There," he said triumphantly, "I don't suppose there's another piece of
+flannel like that in the country." He fingered it with an expert touch.
+
+"You don't say so," I said as I rubbed it reverently between my finger
+and thumb, just to show that he wasn't the only one who could do it.
+
+"I'm afraid it's only too true," he confessed, "and I may add that,
+after we have sold out our present stocks, flannel of any kind will be
+absolutely unobtainable."
+
+"None at all?" I asked, horror-struck at the vision of my public life in
+1920--a bow cravat over a double-width vestum.
+
+He shook his head and smiled wisely.
+
+I am instinctively against hoarding, but I knew that if I did not buy it
+Jones would, and then some fine day, when nobody else had a shirt left,
+he would swagger about and make my life intolerable. This decided me and
+I bought the piece.
+
+A few days later it occurred to me that it might be advisable to lay
+down some socks. My idea was in perfect unison with that of my hosier
+and haberdasher. Socks were going to be unprocurable in a few months. I
+patted myself on the back and bought up the 1916 vintage of Llama-Llama
+footwear. The following week thirty-seven shirts arrived and I had to
+buy a new chest-of-drawers.
+
+This, as I have stated before, was about a year ago. Yesterday I paid my
+hosier and haberdasher another visit. If all the bone factories had not
+been too exclusively engaged, etc., etc., I wished to buy a collar stud.
+There was an elderly man standing in the shop. He was quite alone,
+contemplating a mountain of garments. There were little vesties,
+double-width vestums, and ordinary woollen affairs.
+
+You could have knocked me over with a dress-sock.
+
+And where was my hosier and haberdasher? Had the stranger--just awakened
+to the value of his possessions--entered the shop and suddenly cast all
+this treasure upon the counter? I imagined the shock of this procedure
+on a man like my hosier and haberdasher, whose heart was perhaps a
+trifle woolly. Had he collapsed? I glanced surreptitiously behind a
+parapet of clocked socks.
+
+A moment later, from somewhere in the back premises, he appeared
+carrying a large bale of flannel, which he cast caber-wise upon the
+counter. I was dumbfounded.
+
+Then I knew the truth.
+
+"Sir," I said, turning to the stranger, "I believe you are about to make
+a selection from these articles (I indicated them individually), which
+you imagine to be the last of their race?"
+
+He nodded at me in a bewildered sort of way.
+
+"In a few months," I continued remorselessly, "they will be absolutely
+unprocurable" (he gave a start of recognition), "and you, having bought
+them, will sneak through life with the feelings of a food-hoarder,
+mingled with those of the man who slew the last Camberwell Beauty.
+I know the state of mind. But you need not distress yourself. These
+garments (I indicated them again) will only be unprocurable because they
+are in your possession. I have about half-a-ton myself, which, until a
+few minutes age, would have been quite unprocurable. But I have changed
+my mind and, if you will come with me, you can take your choice with
+a clear conscience, and (I glanced maliciously at my faded hosier and
+haberdasher) at the prices which were prevalent a year ago."
+
+I linked my arm with that of the stranger, and together we passed out of
+the shop into the unpolluted light of day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mother (to child who has been naughty)._ "AREN'T YOU
+RATHER ASHAMED OF YOURSELF?"
+
+_Child._ "WELL, MOTHER, I WASN'T. BUT NOW THAT YOU'VE SUGGESTED IT I
+AM."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRETENDING.
+
+  I know a magic woodland with grassy rides that ring
+  To strange fantastic music and whirr of elfin wing,
+  There all the oaks and beeches, moss-mantled to the knees,
+  Are really fairy princes pretending to be trees.
+
+  I know a magic moorland with wild winds drifting by,
+  And pools among the peat-hags that mirror back the sky;
+  And there in golden bracken the fronds that toss and turn
+  Are really little people pretending to be fern.
+
+  I wander in the woodland, I walk the magic moor;
+  Sometimes I meet with fairies, sometimes I'm not so sure;
+  And oft I pause and wonder among the green and gold
+  If I am not a child again--pretending to be old.
+
+W.H.O.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is understood that the FOOD-CONTROLLER has protested against the
+forcible feeding of hunger-strikers. If they want to commit the Yappy
+Dispatch, why shouldn't they?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ST. GEORGE OUT-DRAGONS THE DRAGON. [With Mr. Punch's
+jubilant compliments to Sir DOUGLAS HAIG and his Tanks.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, November 19th._--Such a rush of Peers to the House of Commons
+has seldom been seen. Lord WIMBORNE, who knows something of congested
+districts, arrived early and secured the coveted seat over the clock.
+Lord CURZON, holding a watching brief for the War Cabinet, was only just
+in time to secure a place; and Lord COURTNEY and several others found
+"standing room only." If we have many more crises Sir ALFRED MOND will
+have to make provision for strap-hangers.
+
+There was very little sign of passion in Mr. ASQUITH'S measured
+criticism of the Allied Council and of the PRIME MINISTER'S speech on
+the subject in Paris. His foil was carefully buttoned, and though it
+administered a shrewd thrust now and again it was not intended to draw
+blood.
+
+At first the PRIME MINISTER followed this excellent example, and
+contented himself with defending, and incidentally re-composing, his
+Paris oration. The Allied Council, as now depicted, was a horse of
+quite another colour from what it seemed in Paris. A further example of
+_camouflage_, I suppose.
+
+Only when he came to deal with his Press critics did he let himself go,
+to the delight of the House, which loves him in his swashbuckling mood.
+As he confessed, however, that he had deliberately made "a disagreeable
+speech" in Paris in order to get it talked about, the Press will
+probably consider itself absolved.
+
+_Tuesday, November 20th._--Like John Bull, as represented in last week's
+cartoon, Lord LAMINGTON has arrived at the conclusion that compulsory
+rationing must come, and the sooner the better. Lord RHONDDA, however,
+is still hopeful that John will tighten his own belt, and save him the
+trouble. "More Yapping and Less Biting" should be our motto. But if we
+fail to live up to it, the machinery for compulsory rationing is all
+ready. Indeed, according to Lord DEVONPORT, it has been ready since
+April last, when an "S.O.S." to the local authorities was on the point
+of being sent, but a timely increase in imports stopped it.
+
+Nobody doubts Commander WEDGWOOD'S essential patriotism; he has proved
+it like a knight of old on his body; but he is unfortunate in some of
+his political associates, who take advantage of his good-nature. A book
+with a preface by himself had been seized by the police on suspicion of
+being seditious, and he loudly demanded to be prosecuted. But Sir GEORGE
+CAVE was not inclined to set up a legal presumption that the writer of a
+preface is responsible for the rest of the book. If he were, a good many
+"forewords" would, I imagine, never have been written.
+
+_Wednesday, November 21st._--By a strange oversight the Royal Marines
+were not specifically mentioned in the recent Vote of Thanks to the
+Services. Apparently the fact that this country is proud of them is one
+of those things that must not be told to the Marines. But Dr. MACNAMARA
+assured the House that the omission should now be repaired.
+
+[Illustration: "His foil was carefully buttoned."
+
+MR. ASQUITH.]
+
+There has been a shortage of provisions in the city where _Lady Godiva_
+suffered from a shortage of clothes. Mr. CLYNES was prompt with a
+remedy. A representative of the FOOD-CONTROLLER has already been sent to
+Coventry.
+
+Conscientious Objectors found a doughty champion in Lord HUGH CECIL.
+Rarely has an unpopular case been fortified with a greater wealth of
+legal, historical and ethical argument. Only once, when he accused Mr.
+BONAR LAW of holding the same doctrine as Herr BETHMANN-HOLLWEG, did he
+lose, for a moment, the sympathy of his audience. But he soon recovered
+himself, and thereafter held the House rapt with Cecilian harmonies.
+
+To such a lofty plane, indeed, had the debate been lifted that Mr.
+RONALD MCNEILL, tall as he is, had some difficulty in bringing it down
+to earth again; and when the division was called the spell was still
+working, and in a very big House the "Conchies" only lost their votes by
+thirty-eight.
+
+_Thursday, November 22nd._--Pending the introduction of the promised
+censorship of Parliamentary Questions, Mr. JOSEPH KING is working
+overtime. No story is too fantastically impossible to find a shelter
+under his hospitable hat. To-day it was a secret treaty between the
+Russian Government (old style) and the French Republic, by which Belgium
+was to be compensated at the expense of Holland. Lord ROBERT CECIL
+denounced it as an invention of the enemy. But I don't suppose the
+denial had the smallest effect upon Mr. KING, who probably went off and
+dined heartily on a magnum of mare's-nest soup.
+
+A tremendous accession to the ranks of the Sinn Feiners has been
+narrowly averted. When Members read the menu which, according to Major
+NEWMAN, the Irish Government has adopted for political prisoners--three
+good square meals a day, including an egg, ten ounces of meat, a pound
+and a half of bread, two pints and a half of milk, and real butter--they
+were strongly minded to enlist under Mr. DE VALERA'S banner and get
+themselves arrested forthwith. But Mr. DUKE'S emphatic denial shattered
+their dream of repletion at the taxpayers' expense.
+
+A final attempt to get proportional representation included in the
+Franchise Bill was heavily defeated. In a dashing attempt to save it Sir
+MARK SYKES declared that the old Eatanswill methods of electioneering
+had gone for ever--"no mouth was large enough to kiss thirty thousand
+babies." But the majority of the House seemed to be more impressed by
+the self-sacrificing argument of that eminent temperance advocate, Sir
+THOMAS WHITTAKER, who feared that "P.R." would lead to an increase in
+"milk-and-water politicians."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALWAYS SOMETHING NEW FROM AFRICA.
+
+    "A Belgian East African communique says that before the converging
+    advance of the Anglo-German Belgian columns, the enemy retired to
+    the south bank of the Kilimbero."--_Mombasa Times._
+
+We seem to have met some of these Anglo-German columns in the Pacifist
+Press.
+
+    "Our machines then bombed the General, in which the
+    German Head-quarters at Constantinople are reported to be
+    situated."--_Times._
+
+The General must have been stout, even for a German.
+
+    "Not having regained consciousness the police are left with little
+    tangible evidence to work upon."--_Daily Telegraph._
+
+Let us hope they will soon come to.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HOW TO UTILISE OUR SKILLED CRAFTSMEN.
+
+_First Lieutenant._ "WHAT WAS THIS MAN BEFORE HE JOINED?"
+
+_Petty Officer._ "OPTICIAN, SIR."
+
+_First Lieutenant._ "WHAT HAD WE BETTER GIVE HIM TO DO?"
+
+_Petty Officer._ "THERE'S THEM PRISMATIC SPOTTING GLASSES, SIR. THE
+LEATHER STRAP IS BROKEN OFF THEM. HE COULD SPLICE IN A PIECE O' COD
+LINE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_LE POILU DE CARCASSONNE._
+
+  THE _poilus_ of France on the Western Front are brave as brave can be,
+  Whether they hail from rich Provence or from ruined Picardie;
+  It's the self-same heart from the lazy Loire and the busy banks of Seine,
+  Undaunted by perpetual mud or cold or gas or pain;
+  And all are as gay as men know how whose wealth and friends are gone,
+  But the gayest of all is a little white dog that came from Carcassonne.
+
+  He was brought as a pup by a _Midi_ man to a sector along the Aisne,
+  But his man laid the wire one pitch-black night and never came back again.
+  The pup stood by with one ear down and the other a question mark,
+  And at times he licked his dead friend's face and at times he tried to bark,
+  Till the listening sentry heard the sound, and when the daylight shone
+  He looked abroad and cried, "_Bon Guieu! C'est le poilu de Carcassonne!_"
+
+  So the dead man's _copains_ kept the dog on the strength of the company.
+  And whoever went short it was not the pup, though a greedy pup was he;
+  They gave him their choicest bits of _sinje_ and drops of _pinard_ too;
+  He was warm and safe when he crept beneath a cloak of horizon-blue;
+  They clipped fresh _brisques_ in his rough white coat as the weary months
+  dragged on,
+  And all the sector knows him now as _le Poilu de Carcassonne_.
+
+  And in return he keeps their hearts from that haunting foe, _l'ennui_;
+  He's their plaything, friend, and sentry too, and a lover of devilry;
+  He helps them to hunt out rats or Boches; he burrows and sniffs for mines,
+  And he growls when the murderous shrapnel flies screaming above the lines;
+  His little black nose is a-quiver with glee whenever a raid is on,
+  And they say with pride, "_C'est la guerre elle-meme, notre Poilu de
+  Carcassonne!_"
+
+  There was none more glad when they went to rest in their billet, a
+  ruined shack,
+  But when they returned to the front-line trench he was just as pleased
+  to be back;
+  He's the spirit of fun itself, and so when other men feel blue,
+  His friends remark, "_Le cafard, quoi? On l'connait pas chez nous!_"
+  So when you drink to the valiant French and the glorious fights they've won
+  Just raise your glass to a little white dog that came from Carcassonne.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"LOYALTY."
+
+If you are a pernickety intellectual (_soi-disant_) you may really
+permit yourself to be faintly amused at the fiery zeal of the
+mystery-wrapt author of _Loyalty_ for his (or, quite possibly, her)
+country's cause in this difficult hour. If you are cast in the common
+human mould that nowadays is seen for the glorious thing it is, you will
+respond to many single-minded, wholesome thoughts in the impassioned
+statement of his thesis. And if you happen to belong to that simple
+discredited breed, the English, so long overshadowed by the nimbler
+Britons, you may have quite a nice little private thrill of your own,
+a thrill of pride in your precious stone, and begin to think with
+seriousness of the advantages of "home rule all round" in an
+England-for-the-English mood, and of the value of a nationalism that is
+as irrational as conjugal or mother love--and as fine.
+
+The author's hero is an Englishman of the wandering type, assistant
+editor on a crank paper. The play is a protracted debate in four
+sessions, June, 1914; July, 1914; August, 1914; September, 1916. And
+here the author makes his most serious mistake, the mistake made by Mr.
+HENRY ARTHUR JONES in his recent squib. If he had contrived his Little
+Navy folk, the proprietor, editor and revolving cranks as something
+more than mere caricatures, brands of straw prepared for his consuming
+bonfires, he would have strengthened, not weakened, his excellent case.
+He has quoted his enemies' mistakes without their excuses, their texts
+without their contexts. And that is a form of propaganda which can only
+touch the converted, or such of them as are not stirred by a sporting
+instinct to a certain mood of protest and a wish that the other fellow
+should be given a better start in the heresy hunt.
+
+The _dramatis personae_, then, divide themselves into the men of straw
+and the right sort. Of the former you have first _Sir Andrew Craig_,
+chairman of the party in his constituency and editor of _The New
+Standard_ (there were indeed altogether new standards of efficiency,
+mentality and hospitality in that rather imaginative newspaper office of
+the First Act). Mr. FISHER WHITE gave us the courtly-obstinate old man
+to the life (this player has a way of removing straw). In the dramatic
+passage in which, returning after being broken in a German prison, he
+relates some of the horrors of which it is good for us to be reminded,
+he rose to the height of his fine talent. His exquisite elocution--a
+remarkable feat of virtuosity--was in itself a sheer delight.
+
+_Mr. Stutchbury_, the editor, pacifist and sentimental democrat, was
+dealt to Mr. LENNOX PAWLE. He played his hand well. There was never such
+an editor outside Bedlam; but Mr. PAWLE is a resourceful person and by a
+score of clever tricks of gesture and business made a reasonable figure
+of fun for our obloquy. All but broken in the end, but still claiming
+that he had "the larger vision" (as he certainly had the larger
+diameter), there was a certain dignity of pathos in his exit, a late
+_amende_ by an otherwise remorseless puppet-maker. Mr. SYDNEY PAXTON
+as a pillar of Nonconformity offered a clever study in the
+unctuous-grotesque; Mr. VINCENT STERNROYD sketched a portrait of a
+nut-consuming impenitent disarmamentist. The author is the first, so far
+as I know, to give public emphasis to the queer fact of natural
+history that there is some connection between extreme opinions and the
+prominence of the Adam's apple of the holder of them--a fact on which I
+have often pondered.
+
+Mr. M. MORAND, the aggressive Scots member of the election committee,
+inspired to great heights of insobriety by the return of his
+London-Scottish nephew from the Front, sounded a welcome human note, as
+did Mr. SAM LIVESEY, the Labour Member of the committee, shaken out of
+his detachment into an extreme explicitness of language by a Zeppelin
+raid experience. Mr. GEORGE BELLAMY'S Welsh Disestablisher and Mr.
+GRIFFITH HUMPHREYS' exuberant German press-agent of the pre-war period
+were both really shrewd studies.
+
+Of the right sort there were but five--and one of these, the editor's
+secretary, at heart an honest patriot, but in fact eating the bread of
+shame, was perhaps not altogether of the right sort. Still he did get
+off his chest at last the pent-up passion of years, and very well he did
+it, with the help of Mr. RANDLE AYRTON, whose subtle little touches,
+building up a picture of a disheartened hack, were very adroit indeed.
+
+Then there was young _Henry Craig_, at the beginning an undergraduate in
+his last term, at the end a V.C. in his last resting-place. Mr. PERCIVAL
+CLARKE'S was an adequate pleasant study. So also was Mr. PHILIP
+ANTHONY'S of a Canadian, full of strange idioms, who butted in to just
+the wrong corner of Fleet Street to put the editor wise about the
+intentions of a Germany in which he had spent his last two years. And
+then there was splendidly English _Frank Aylett_, exile returned,
+unspoilt by the cynicism of party and paper, whose fortune came to him
+just at the psychological moment, enabling him to give his proprietor
+notice and fight and win a by-election in the astonied man's own
+constituency, besides carrying off his daughter (Miss VIOLA TREE), who
+was the fifth of the right sort. What more plausible English hero than
+Mr. C. AUBREY SMITH, except that he had to talk a good deal more than
+seemed appropriate to his type? There was a well-managed post-election
+scene when he was at his best (as was the author). And all through there
+was good and sometimes glorious sense for those to hear who had ears.
+
+The programme promised us about a month's interval between Acts I. and
+II. It was actually less than that; but if Mr. J.H. SQUIRE's musicianly
+orchestra had not been there to charm us we might conceivably have been
+bored.
+
+T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LIGHTER SIDE OF EDITORIAL LIFE.
+
+_Frank Aylett_ . . . . . . . . MR. C. AUBREY SMITH.
+
+_Anthea Craig_ . . . . . . . . MISS VIOLA TREE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.
+
+    "FOR SALE.--A 45 H.P., 6 cyl.--Car, touring body, fitted with every
+    latest convenience. Exceptionally well sprung. Just purchased by
+    owner and run under 1,000 miles. Guaranteed over 25-galls. to the
+    mile by Agents. Rs. 11,000."--_Indian Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "DIVERSION" IN THE BALKANS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEROES.
+
+If the question were put to a company of young women, "What is the most
+thrilling experience you can have in a London street?" the odds are
+a thousand to one that they would reply that nothing could be more
+thrilling than to meet a famous actor in plain clothes and identify him.
+I am not a young woman myself, but I should be inclined to share their
+opinion. There is something about an actor in real life, moving along
+like a human being--one of us--that always stirs my pulse. It is
+exciting enough to see Mr. LLOYD GEORGE or Mr. ASQUITH or Sir OLIVER
+LODGE; but no one stirs the imagination like an actor.
+
+That is why I still tremble a little whenever I think of my good fortune
+the other afternoon in the Haymarket, and why my pen shakes as I
+commit the adventure to paper. For I met face to face two of the most
+successful actors in London--at the present moment, in the world.
+
+I was walking up the Haymarket in the rain, hoping, in spite of the new
+prohibitive rates, that I might see an empty cab, when I met them coming
+down. They were walking with a man whom I did not recognise, and, like
+me, were getting wet. One thinks of successful actors as riding always
+in taxis; but taxis are very rare nowadays, particularly in the wet, and
+somehow it did not seem unnatural that they should be on foot. I am glad
+enough that they were, or I should have missed my _frisson_; and others
+would have suffered a similar loss, for the recognition was not only on
+my part but on that of several passers-by, and it was instantaneous.
+Indeed, I heard one lady tell her companion the name of the play they
+are in and the extraordinary length of its run, and since she spoke
+loudly I thought how delightful it must be to be a theatrical celebrity
+and hear cordial things like that as you move about. Neither of them
+paid any attention, however, although their friend showed signs that
+the flattery had not escaped him; the two Illustrions (to coin a word)
+merely walked on, superior to our homage, and disappeared into Charles
+Street, where the stage door of His Majesty's is.
+
+Pouring though it was, and grovelling admirer of footlight favourites as
+I am, somehow I never thought to offer either of them my umbrella. But
+then one doesn't offer an umbrella to a donkey or a camel, even though
+they are two of the stars of _Chu Chin Chow_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER INJUSTICE.
+
+From a Sinn Fein speech:--
+
+    "When Ireland was silent England did not hear her cry
+    out."--_Wicklow News-Letter_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WHY SHOULD A RABBIT COST 2s. 3d.?
+
+    "This question from a reader induces me to postpone until next week
+    my analysis of the high cost of onions."--_Empire News_.
+
+On the principle that it is better to make sure of the rabbit before
+arranging about the stuffing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Stockholm, Tuesday.
+
+    "News from Finland shows that the Socialist leaders have lost control
+    of the workmen, and all kinds of excesses are taking place. The
+    present Commandant at Tornea was a sailor, the head of the
+    passport office was a tailor, and the chief telegraphic censor a
+    tinker."--_Central News_.
+
+We miss the soldier, to say nothing of "apothecary, ploughboy, thief."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Scholars and tragedians between them seem to have appropriated
+    the right to keep Shakespeare's memory green. But there are other
+    Richmonds in the field, humble Richmonds, not well read ... John of
+    Gaunt, crying that his England 'never did nor never shall lie at the
+    proud foot of a conqueror....'"--_The Times_.
+
+The writer who thus deprived the _Bastard_ in _King John_ of his famous
+lines was, we infer, one of the "other Richmonds."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGAR.
+
+AN ELEGIAC ODE.
+
+  Queen of the palate! Universal Sweet!
+  Gastronomy's delectable Gioconda!
+  Since with submission loyally I greet
+  And follow out the regimen of RHONDDA,
+  I cannot be considered indiscreet
+  If I essay, but never go beyond, a
+  Brief elegiac tribute to a sway
+  By sterner needs now largely swept away.
+
+  Thy candy soothes the infant in its pram;
+  Thou addest mellowness to old brown sherry;
+  Thou glorifiest marmalade, on Cam
+  And Isis making breakfast-tables merry;
+  Thou lendest magic to the meanest jam
+  Compounded of the most insipid berry;
+  And canst convert the sourest crabs and quinces
+  To jellies fit for epicures and princes.
+
+  Thou charmest unalloyed, in loaf or lumps
+  Or crystals; brown and moist, or white and pounded;
+  I never was so deeply in the dumps
+  That, once thy fount of sweetness I had sounded,
+  Courage returned not; even with the mumps
+  I still could view with gratitude unbounded
+  The navigators of heroic Spain
+  Who found the New World--and the sugar-cane.
+
+  Sprinkled on buttered bread thou dost excite
+  In human boys insatiable cravings;
+  On Turkish (I regret to say) Delight
+  Thou lurest them to dissipate their savings,
+  Instead of banking them, or sitting tight,
+  Or buying useful books and good engravings;
+  And lastly, mixed with strawberries and cream,
+  Thou art more than a dish, thou art a dream.
+
+  Before necessity, that knows no ruth,
+  Ordained thy frugal use in tea and coffee,
+  Some Stoics banned thee--men who in their youth
+  Showed an unnatural dislike of toffee;
+  For sweetness charms the normal human tooth,
+  Sweetness inspires the singer's tenderest strophe,
+  Since old LUCRETIUS musically chid
+  The curse of life--_amari aliquid_.
+
+  _Eau sucree_, I admit, is rather tame
+  Compared with beer or whisky blent with soda;
+  But gallant Frenchmen, experts at this game,
+  Commend it highly either as a _coda_
+  Or prelude to their meals, and much the same
+  Is sherbet, which the Gaekwar of Baroda
+  And other Oriental satraps quaff
+  In preference to ale or half-and-half.
+
+  Nor must I fail, O potent saccharin!
+  Thou chemic offspring of by-products coaly,
+  Late comer on the culinary scene,
+  To hail thy aid, although it may be lowly
+  Even compared with beet; for thou hast been
+  Employed in sweetening my roly-poly--
+  Thou whom I once regarded as a dose
+  And now the active rival of glucose!
+
+  But still I hear some jaundiced critic say,
+  Some rigid self-appointed _censor morum_,
+  "Why harp upon the pleasures of a day
+  When freely sweetened was each cup and jorum,
+  Ere stern controllers had begun to stay
+  The genial outflow of the _fons leporum?_
+  Now sugar's scarce, and we must do without it,
+  Why let regretful fancy play about it?"
+
+  True, yet it greatly goes against the grain,
+  Unless one has the patience of Ulysses,
+  Wholly and resolutely to refrain
+  From dwelling on the memory of past blisses;
+  Forbidden fruits allure the strong and sane;
+  Joys loved but lost are what one chiefly misses;
+  This is my best excuse if I deplore
+  "So sad, so _sweet_, the days that are no more."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'TATERS.
+
+SCENE: _At "The Plough and Horses_."
+
+"You seen Parson lately, George?"
+
+"Not lately I ain't, Luther."
+
+"Not since 'is 'taters be out o' ground?"
+
+"No. Finest crop in village, some do say."
+
+"That be right--sev'ral ton of 'em there be."
+
+"What to goodness do 'e want 'em all for, then? 'Im an' 's wife an' a
+maid 'll never eat all them 'taters."
+
+"I'll tell you what 'e says to me, for 'appen 'e'll say it to you,
+George, when 'e comes acrost you next. 'E says to me, 'I've growed
+as many potatoes as I've had strength to grow, an' they've prospered
+exceedin'ly,' 'e says, 'thank God! So if any deservin' folk in my parish
+gets through wi' their own crop an' wants more later on they 'as only to
+come to me, for I've growed more 'an my 'ouse'old 'll eat if they was to
+eat all day.'"
+
+"'E be proud o' that?"
+
+"Fine an' proud 'e be."
+
+"An' yet it be some'at unfort'nate too. For all of us as is left in this
+'ere parish 'as growed as many 'taters as they'll be like to need, same
+as 'e. So I don't see nought but disappointment for Parson an' a lot o'
+good 'taters lyin' to rot in their pies."
+
+"Some there be too fond o' Parson to let that 'appen. Me an' my wife
+be sendin' few of ours to London ev'ry week or so. So in due season we
+shall be free to go to Parson an' 'elp 'im through wi' 'is, same as 'e
+wants us to. I 'ears as others is doin' some'at the same as us--fear is
+as too many'll tumble to the idea, which is why I'd 'ave you keep it
+fro' goin' further, George."
+
+"Silent as th' grave I'll be. So you're givin' your 'taters 'way to
+please Parson? Yet I do allus say as 'taters what a man grows wi' sweat
+of 'is own brow do beat all others in t' eatin'."
+
+"That may be; but us can't afford to be so mighty pernickerty in time o'
+war. Nor we ain't givin' nothin 'way in manner o' speakin'. Fair market
+price they gives for 'em in London. So it be somethin' in 'and in these
+'ard times as well as savin' Parson from a bitter disappointment what 'e
+ain't done nothin' to deserve, so far as I can see."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Two organ grinders, aged 23 and 16, were taken to Charing Cross
+    Hospital to-day with bad injuries and severe shock, the result of a
+    barrel organ getting out of control in Rosebery-avenue."--_Evening
+    Paper_.
+
+They should try a less dangerous instrument next time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'Seed potatoes' means potatoes grown in Scotland or Ireland in the
+    year 1917, or grown in England or Wales in the year 1917 from seed
+    grown in Scotland or Ireland in the year 1916, which will pass
+    through a riddle having a 1-5/8-in. mesh, and will not pass through
+    a riddle having a 1-5/8-in. mesh."--_Journal of the Board of
+    Agriculture_.
+
+We ourselves cannot get through any riddle of this kind.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sergeant (instructing squad of volunteers in physical
+drill)._ "THIS 'ERE HEXERCISE IS INTENDED TO 'ARDEN THE MUSCLES OF
+THE STUMMICK AND MAKE IT HIMPERVIOUS TO GERMAN BULLETS HIN CASE OF
+HINVASION."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_(By Mr, Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_
+
+It is difficult within the ordinary limits of a review in these columns
+to say all that one feels or even to express adequately one's gratitude
+after reading the two volumes of Lord MORLEY'S generous and delightful
+_Recollections_ (MACMILLAN). I seem to have been sitting with him in a
+large and comfortable library while the great Viscount rolled me out his
+mind, now breaking out into a glowing eulogy of GEORGE MEREDITH, JOSEPH
+CHAMBERLAIN or LESLIE STEPHEN, or again dashing off with a few firm and
+skilful strokes a portrait of JOHN MILL or HERBERT SPENCER, or some
+other intellectual giant of that nineteenth century which Lord MORLEY
+nobly defends and of which he himself was _grande decus columenque_. The
+book is crammed with passages that arouse and maintain pleasure in
+the reader and clamour for quotation on the part of the reviewer.
+"Meredith," we are told, "who did not know Mill in person, once spoke to
+me of him, with the confident intuition proper to imaginative genius, as
+partaking of the Spinster. Disraeli, when Mill made an early speech in
+Parliament, raised his eye-glass and murmured to a neighbour on the
+bench, 'Ah, the Finishing Governess.'" Or we are introduced to SPENCER
+at MILL'S table: "The host said to him at dessert that Grote, who was
+present, would like to hear him explain one or more of his views about
+the equilibration of molecules in some relation or other. Spencer, after
+an instant of good-natured hesitation, complied with unbroken fluency
+for a quarter-of-an-hour or more. Grote followed every word intently,
+and in the end expressed himself as well satisfied. Mill, as we moved
+off into the drawing-room, declared to me his admiration of a wonderful
+piece of lucid exposition. Fawcett, in a whisper, asked me if I
+understood a word of it, for he did not. Luckily I had no time to
+answer." Or again: "Another contributor [to _The Saturday Review_]
+was the important man who became Lord SALISBURY. He and I were alone
+together in the editorial anteroom every Tuesday morning, awaiting our
+commissions, but he too had a talent for silence, and we exchanged no
+words, either now or on any future occasion." How charming a picture
+is this of two shy British publicists maintaining towards one another,
+against every possible discouragement, an inviolable silence. Not even
+the weather could tempt them to break it. Yet the great characteristic
+of this book is the large-hearted tolerance of comment and judgment
+which makes it emphatically a friendly book. As such I commend it with
+all the warmth in my power.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For her new story, _Missing_ (COLLINS), Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD has used her
+knowledge, already proved elsewhere, of two settings, the English Lakes
+and a Base Hospital somewhere in France. Also perhaps her knowledge
+of human nature, though I like to think that there are not many elder
+sisters so calculatingly callous as _Bridget_. The bother about her
+was that she sadly wanted her attractive younger sister to marry a
+sufficient establishment, not, I fear, from wholly altruistic motives.
+So she was not altogether sorry when the impecunious soldier-husband,
+whom _Nelly_ had personally preferred, was reported missing, thus
+leaving that to chance once again open. Then, just as her plans seemed
+to be prospering, word came secretly to her that there was a man
+shattered and with memory lost in a base hospital who might possibly be
+the brother-in-law whom she so emphatically didn't want. What happens
+upon this you shall find out for yourself. Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD, as you
+will notice, has no fear of a dramatic, even melodramatic, situation;
+handles it, indeed, with a skill that the most popular might envy.
+Thence onwards the story, perhaps a trifle slow in starting, gathers
+force. The two visits to the camp at X---- (a very thin disguise for a
+place that no Englishman of our time will ever forget) are admirably
+vivid; the last chapters especially being as moving as anything that
+Mrs. WARD has given us, whether in her popular, profound or propagandist
+manner.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Lately, Mr. E.F. BENSON seems to have been devoting himself almost
+wholly to chronicling the short and simple annals of the middle-aged.
+With one exception, all his recent protagonists have been, if not
+exactly in the sere and yellow, at least ripely mature. So that such
+a title as that of his latest novel, _An Autumn Solving_ (COLLINS),
+produced in me rather a feeling of familiar expectancy than of surprise.
+Also when the wrapper artist clothes a volume with a picture of an
+elderly gentleman obviously giving up an attractive young woman of
+perhaps one-third his years it is idle to pretend that the contents
+retain all the thrill of the unforeseen. Having said so much, I can let
+myself go in praise (as how often before) of those qualities of insight
+and gently sub-acid humour that make a BENSON novel an interlude of pure
+enjoyment to the "jaded reviewer." In case the indiscreet cover may
+happily have been removed before the volume reaches your hands, I do not
+propose to give away the plot in any detail. The autumn sowing of course
+produces a crop not exactly of wild oats, but of romantic tares that
+springs in the hitherto barren heart of one _Keeling_, prosperous
+tradesman, husband, father, mayor, public benefactor and baronet,
+by reason of the too sympathetic damsel who types his letters and
+catalogues his library. That library shows Mr. BENSON'S genius;
+without it I should hardly have been able to believe in the subsequent
+happenings, but, given this "secret garden," all the tragedy is
+explained. I have left myself no space in which to do justice to some
+admirable characterization. _Keeling's_ wife is worthy of a place in the
+author's long gallery of woolly-witted matrons; while in _Silverdale_ he
+has given a study of clerical futility and egotism almost savage in its
+detestability, a portrait at which one laughs and shudders together. Of
+course the book will have, and deserve, a huge welcome.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The union of scholarship and sympathy, enthusiasm and eloquence, is
+rare; yet these qualities are to be found in perfect harmony in the
+stately volume on the poets' poet which has just been published under
+the style, on the cover, _Life of John Keats_, and on the title-page,
+_John Keats, His Life and Poetry, His Friends, Critics and After-Fame_
+(MACMILLAN)--a volume upon which Sir SIDNEY COLVIN has been engaged ever
+since his retirement from the Print Room of the British Museum, and may
+be said to have been preparing to write all his days, ever since, as a
+boy, he first opened the "magic casement." A book representing so long
+and ardent a devotion, and written by one whose loyalties have always
+been so cordially sustained and acknowledged, could not but glow; and it
+is its warmth of feeling which, to my mind, peculiarly marks this very
+distinguished work. It is more than a life; it is a "companion" to KEATS
+so complete and understanding that one can with confidence apply to it
+the abused word, "definitive." Critical essays on the poet no doubt will
+continue to appear, but this is the last biographical monument likely to
+be raised to him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Your enjoyment of _The Head of the Family_ (METHUEN) may in a measure
+depend upon your capacity to appreciate _William Linkhorn_ and the glory
+of his "great flaming beard." To me, unhappily, _William_ was an uncouth
+rustic, just that and very little else; but he possessed some mysterious
+attraction for women; so, at any rate, Mrs. HENRY DUDENEY tells
+me, though she does not explain to my satisfaction what it was.
+_Phoebe-Louisa_ married him partly because she wanted a man to help in
+her greengrocery; but what charm he had for her soon waned, and she
+smote hard when she caught him philandering with _Beausire Fillery_. It
+was all the lady's fault; _William_ had, so to speak, only to wave his
+beard and she was at his feet. But if the hirsute feature of this story
+leaves me cold it is easy enough to enjoy and admire the rest. The
+_Firebraces_, spoken of here as "The Family," are most admirably drawn.
+Never has the condescension of county people to those less exalted in
+birth been described with more delightful irony. True that some of the
+_Firebraces_ kicked over the traces and married whom they listed, but
+the family as a whole was rooted deep enough to stand shocks which would
+have devastated people of less assured position. The scenes of the story
+are laid in and around Lewes, a part of England dear to Mrs. DUDENEY'S
+heart, and of which she writes with real comprehension and devotion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+By a self-denying ordinance Mr. Punch declines, as a general rule, to
+review in these columns the work of his Staff. But he may permit himself
+to announce to all lovers of the gay humour of "A.A.M." that Messrs.
+HODDER AND STOUGHTON have just brought out a new novel, _Once on a
+Time_, by Mr. ALAN A. MILNE, with illustrations by Mr. H. M. BROCK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CONSOLING THOUGHT.
+
+_Belated Traveller (surprised by a bull when taking a short cut to the
+station)._ "BY JOVE! I BELIEVE I SHALL CATCH THAT TRAIN AFTER ALL."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Alexander had his 'Plutarch' always under his pillow."--_British
+    Weekly._
+
+This must have been a very early edition.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Colombo is suffering from an attack of rabies and there have been
+    38 cases reported so far. In the first six months of the year 1,300
+    days were destroyed."--_Singapore Free Press_.
+
+Let us hope that every day had its dog.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+153, NOV. 28, 1917***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 11443.txt or 11443.zip *******
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