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diff --git a/11429-0.txt b/11429-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b48a077 --- /dev/null +++ b/11429-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1825 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11429 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11429-h.htm or 11429-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/2/11429/11429-h/11429-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/2/11429/11429-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 156. + +APRIL 30, 1919. + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +An alarming rumour is going the rounds to the effect that Printing House +Square refuses to accept any responsibility for the findings of the +Peace Conference. + + *** + +"Mystery," says a news item, "surrounds the purchase of fifty retail +fish shops in and about London." The Athenaeum Club is full of the +wildest rumours. + + *** + +The statement of the Allied Food Commission, that there are more sheep +in Germany to-day than in 1914, has come as a surprise to those who +imagined that the loud bleating noise was chiefly Herr SCHEIDEMANN. + + *** + +"Get your muzzle now!" says _The Daily Mail_. It is felt, however, that +the PRIME MINISTER scored a distinct hit by saying it first. + + *** + +"There is absolutely no reason," says a Health Culture writer, "why +Members of Parliament should not live to be one hundred." We think we +could find a reason if we were pressed. + + *** + +To-morrow a man in the North of England is to celebrate his hundredth +birthday. He will be the youngest centenarian in the country. + + *** + +At Ealing it appears that a rabid dog dashed into a pork butcher's shop +and snapped at a sausage. The sausage was immediately shot. + + *** + +The War Office, says a contemporary, is to have another storey built. +In order that the work shall not cause any sleepless days it is to be +undertaken by night. + + *** + +It is reported that a burglar who has been drawing unemployment pay has +decided to return to work. + + *** + +The New Zealand Government has decided to check the introduction of +influenza, and every passenger arriving there is to be examined. All +germs not declared are liable to be confiscated by the Customs. + + *** + +Nearly all the Bank Holiday visitors to Hampstead Heath, it is stated, +chose a silver-mounted bridge-marker in preference to nuts. + + *** + +Two days before his wedding a man at Uxbridge was summoned to Wales by +his wife for desertion. It is said that his second wedding went off +quietly. + + *** + +It is understood that the Home Office does not propose to re-arrest DE +VALERA. The official view is that in future the Irish must provide their +own entertainment. + + *** + +We hear that all imprisoned Sinn Feiners have been instructed to give a +day's notice in future before escaping, so that nobody shall do it out +of his proper turn. + + *** + +Citizens of Clarkson, Washington, U.S.A., have appealed to the +Government to protect them against a plague of frogs. The Federal +authorities have informed the Press that these insidious attempts to +distract the Government from its Prohibition programme must not be taken +seriously. + + *** + +From an American newspaper we gather that a New York plutocrat has by +his will cut his wife off with twelve million dollars. + + *** + +"Is the Kaiser Highly Strung?" asks a weekly paper headline. We shall be +able to answer this question a little later. + + *** + +The report that an early bather was seen executing the Jazz-dance on +the beach at Ventnor on Easter Monday seems to have some foundation. It +appears that his partner was a large crab with well-developed claws. + + *** + +We hear that visitors at a well-known London hotel, who have patiently +borne the extension of the gratuity nuisance for a considerable time, +now take exception to the notice, "Please tip the basin," which has been +prominently placed in the lavatory. + + *** + +On many golf-links nowadays the caddies are expected to keep count of +the number of strokes taken for each hole. One beginner whom we know is +seriously thinking of employing a chartered accountant for this purpose. + + *** + +What cricket needs, says a sporting contemporary, is bright breezy +batting. The game should no longer depend for its sparkle on impromptu +badinage between the umpire and the wicket-keeper. + + *** + +People who think they have heard the cuckoo before the first of May, +declares a well-known ornithologist, are usually the victims of young +practical jokers. The conspicuous barring of the bird's plumage should, +however, make any real confusion impossible. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ABSENT-MINDED PHYSICIAN SENT BY HIS WIFE TO BUY "TWO GOOD +SOUND BIRDS."] + + * * * * * + "Striking testimony as to the popularity of the Cataract Cliff + Grounds--when it is remembered that the period embraces the complete + term of the war--is the fact that during the past five years an + aggregate of 428,390 persons was bitten by a snake." + + _Tasmanian Paper._ + +The snake may be fairly said to have done his bit. + + * * * * * + +PEACE AT THE SEASIDE. + + [The public are being passionately warned against the threatened + crush at watering-places in August of this year of Peace.] + + Stoutly we bore with April's icy blizzards; + "The worst of Spring," we said, "will soon be through; + Summer is bound to come and warm our gizzards + And we shall gambol by the briny blue." + + But even as we put the annual question, + "Where shall we water? on what golden strand?" + Warnings appear of terrible congestion, + Of lodgers countless as the local sand. + + Lucky the man, the hardened strap-suspender, + Who with a first-class ticket, there and back, + Finds a precarious seat upon the tender, + A rocky berth upon the baggage-rack. + + Should he arrive, the breath of life still in him, + His face will be repulsed from door to door; + He'll get no lodging, not the very minim, + Save under heaven on the pebbly shore. + + In vain he pleads for stall-room in the stable; + The cellars are engaged; 'tis idle talk + To ask for bedding on the billiard-table-- + Two families are there, each side of baulk. + + Next morn he fain would wash in ocean's spray (there's + Balm in the waves that helps you to forget), + And lo! the deep is simply stiff with bathers; + He has no chance of even getting wet. + + He starves as never in the age of rations; + The fishy produce of the boundless sea + Fails to appease the hungry trippers' passions + Who barely pouch one shrimp apiece for tea. + + "I came," he says, "to swallow priceless ozone + Under Britannia's elemental spell; + She rules the waves, as all her conquered foes own; + I wish she ruled her seasides half as well. + + "I don't know what the beaten Bosch may suffer + Compared with us who won the late dispute, + But if it equals this (it can't be tougher), + Why, then I feel some pity for the brute." + + So by the London train upon the morrow + From holiday delights he gets release, + Conspuing, more in anger than in sorrow, + The pestilent amenities of Peace. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +GREAT BEARD MYSTERY. + +Where do men go when, they want to grow beards? This is a question +as yet unanswered, and the whole subject is shrouded in impenetrable +mystery. + +One sees thousands of men with beards, but one never sees anyone growing +a beard. I cannot recall, in a life of varied travel, having ever +encountered a man actually engaged in the process of beard-cultivation. +The secret is well kept, doubtless by a kind of freemasonry amongst +bearded men, but there can be little doubt that somewhere there are +nurseries where a _bonâ-fide_ beard-grower who is in the secret can +retire until he is presentable. + +I have frequently been annoyed by the way in which these men flaunt +their beards at one; their whole manner seems to convey an air of +superiority; they seem to say, "Look at my beard. You can't grow a beard +because you haven't the moral courage to appear in public while it's +growing. Wouldn't you like to know the secret? Well, I won't tell you." + +Determined to suffer these contemptuous glances no longer, I set out +on a voyage of discovery to unravel the mystery of England's +beard-nurseries. + +I asked bearded men if they knew of anywhere in the country where one +could slip away in order to grow a beard, but they always gave me +evasive replies, such as: "Why not have an illness and stay in bed for +three months?" But when I went on to ask where they had grown theirs, +they either made an excuse to leave me or said evasively, "Oh, I've +always had mine." + +I once went to the enormous expense of making a bearded Scotch +acquaintance intoxicated in order to drag the secret from him, but +the question as to where he grew his beard instantly sobered him, and +nothing would induce him to touch another drop. + +I have bribed barbers without success. I have vainly shadowed men for +a month who looked as if they intended growing beards. I even took +advantage of Armageddon to join the Navy, where beards are permitted; +but when I tried to start growing one I was instantly reprimanded for +not shaving by a bearded Commander, who had the same triumphant gleam of +superiority which I had noticed ashore. + +In the Old Testament there was no secrecy on the subject. Somebody said, +"Tarry in Jericho until your beards be grown." But I am quite satisfied +in my own mind that modern beard-growers do not go to Jericho; I have +established this fact. No, there are in England properly organised +beard-nurseries, and the secret of their whereabouts is jealously +guarded; but I have by no means relaxed my determination to discover +them, and to give to the world the results of my research. + + * * * * * + +GRAND REFUSALS. + +At the private reception the night before Miss CARNEGIE'S wedding, "the +ironmaster," so we read in our _Daily Mail_, "entertained his guests +with numerous reminiscences of his life, and it was observed that +he interrupted a story concerning King EDWARD and Skibo to whisper +something in his daughter's ear concerning her dowry. He was telling the +guests how the King offered to make him a Duke if he would bring about a +coalition between England and the United States. 'I told King EDWARD,' +said Mr. CARNEGIE, 'that in these United States every man is King. Why +should I be a Duke?'" + +It is pleasant to read of the heroic refusal of the staunch Republican +to compromise the principles which he so eloquently vindicated in his +_Triumphant Democracy_; but it is only right to add that this is not an +isolated case. + +Thus it is a literally open secret that when a famous ventriloquist was +offered the O.B.E. for his services in popularising the Navy, he refused +the coveted distinction on the ground that it would be derogatory to a +Prince to accept it. + +When Sir HENRY DUKE retired from the Chief Secretaryship of Ireland he +was offered a Viscounty, but declined the proffered distinction, wittily +observing that as he was born a Duke he did not see why he should +descend to a lower grade of the peerage. + +Then there is the notorious case of Mr. KING who, on being offered a +peerage if he would desist from his criticisms of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE and +his Ministry, pointed out that other monarchs might abdicate, but that +those who thought _he_ would do so clearly knew not JOSEPH. + +As for the titles, decorations and distinctions offered by the EX-KAISER +to Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE if he would bring about a _rapprochement_ between +England and Germany, and patriotically declined by the eminent +publicist, their name is legion. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MENACE OF MAY. + +AUSTEN CHAMBERMAID _(to John Bull)._ "YOUR TEA AND THE MORNING PAPER, +SIR."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Charlady (on the subject of appearance)._ "OF COURSE I +DON'T BOTHER NOW--BUT I USED TO BE ABLE TO TREAD ON MY 'AIR."] + + * * * * * + +CIVILIAN FLYING, 1930. + +"You're late," said Millie, as John entered the hall and shook himself +free of his flying coat. + +"Yes, dear; missed the 5.40 D.H. from the Battersea Park Take-off by a +minute to-night. Jones brought me home on that neat little knock-about +spad he's just bought. Small two-seater arrangement, you know. Then I +walked from the 'drome just to stretch myself. They don't give you too +much move space in those planettes." + +"Oh, I'd just love to have an aeroplanette like that!" exclaimed Millie. +"Mrs. Smith says she simply couldn't do without hers now; it makes her +so independent. She can pop up to town, do her shopping and get back in +a short afternoon." + +"Um--yes," calculated John. "Less than seventy miles the double +journey--she'd manage that all right." + +"And that pilot of theirs," went on Millie, "seems just as safe with the +'pup' as he is with that great twin-engined bus her husband is so keen +on." + +"Yes," said John; "must be quite an undertaking getting Smith's +tri-plane on the sky-way. It's useful for a family party, though. I +hear he packed twenty or thirty on to it for the picnic they had +at John-o'-Groat's last week. By the way," added John, as he moved +upstairs, "aren't the Robinsons coming to dinner?" + +"Yes, you'd better hurry up and change," advised Millie. + +The Robinsons were very up-to-date people, John decided as they sat +down to the meal a little later. He hadn't met them before. They were +Millie's friends. + +"Very glad to know such near neighbours," he said cordially. "Why, it's +under forty miles to your place, I should think." + +"Forty-seven kilos, to be exact," Robinson volunteered, "and I should +say we did it under twenty minutes." + +"Quite good flying," said John. + +"We came by the valley route, too," put in Mrs. Robinson. "John was +good enough to consider my wretched air-pocket nerves rather than his +petrol." + +"It's a couple of miles further," explained Robinson, "but my wife isn't +such a stout flier as her mother, though the old lady is over seventy. +My pilot was bringing her from Town one afternoon last week--took the +Dorking-Leith Hill air-way, you know, always bumpy over there--and I +suppose from all accounts he must have dropped her a hundred feet plumb, +side-slipped and got into a spinning dive and only pulled the old bus +out again when the furrows in a ploughed field below them had grown +easily countable." + +"Yes, it makes me shivery to think of," ejaculated Mrs. Robinson; "but +mother really has extraordinary nerve. She wasn't in the least upset." + +"No, not a little bit, by Jove!" added Robinson. "The old sport just +leaned forward in her seat and, when James had adjusted his head-piece, +she coolly reprimanded him for stunting without orders. Of course she +doesn't know anything about the theory of the thing, you see." + +With the dessert came letters by the late air post. + +"Oh, please excuse me," said Millie, as she took them from the maid, +"I see there's a reply from Auntie--the Edinburgh aunt, you know," +she explained. "I wrote her this morning, imploring her to come over +to-morrow for the bazaar. She's so splendid at that sort of thing." + +"What my wife's aunt doesn't know about flying isn't worth knowing," +remarked John with finality. "Why, she qualified for her ticket last +year, and she'll never see forty again. How's that for an up-to-date +aunt?" + +"I doubt if she'll fly solo that distance, though," said Millie; "I +don't think she ought to, either." + +"Of course," said Robinson, "it's a bit of a strain for a woman of +middle age to negotiate three hundred odd miles, even with a couple of +landings for a cup of tea _en route_." + +Millie rose. "Now, don't you men sit here for an hour discussing 'flying +speeds,' 'gliding angles,' and all that sort of thing. I object to +aero-maniacs on principle. I--" At that moment a peculiar noise, +evidently in the near vicinity of the house, arrested the attention of +the party. + +"Sounded like something breaking," said Millie, going to the window, +which overlooked the garden and a good-sized paddock beyond. John had +already gone out to investigate. + +In a minute or two he reappeared ushering in a very jolly-looking old +gentleman in a flying suit. + +"A thousand pardons, Mrs. Smith," said the new arrival; "John collected +me in the paddock. Ha! ha! You know my theory about the paddock." + +The guests having been introduced, explanations followed. + +"You know my theory," began old Mr, Brown. + +"Yes, rather; I should think we do," interrupted Millie, leading him +to the most comfortable armchair "But," she quoted, "you are old, Mr. +Brown; do you think at your age it is right?" + +"Well, the theory's smashed, anyhow," said John decisively, "and so's my +fence." + +"No! no! I won't hear of it," laughed Brown; "I admit the fence, but not +the theory. You see," he went on, turning to Mrs. Robinson, "I've always +insisted, as Smith knows, that there's plenty of landing space in his +paddock, provided you do it up wind. The fact is I glided in to-night +from east to west. Thought I should be dead head on; but I believe I was +a couple of points out in my reckoning and so failed to bring the old +'bus to a stand short of the fence. You know, Smith," he added, with an +injured air, "you ought to have a wind-pointer rigged up so's there'd be +no doubt about it." + +"Just to encourage reckless old gentlemen to smash up my premises, I +suppose," retorted John. "But I admit I found some consolation for my +smashed fence when I observed the pathetic appearance of your under +carriage, after your famous landing." + +"And now," said Millie to Mr. Brown, "all will be forgotten and forgiven +if you'll come into the drawing-room and let Mr. and Mrs. Robinson hear +you sing that jolly song about + + "'Come and have a flip + In a big H Pip,' etc. + +"You know." + + * * * * * + + "The egg shortage notwithstand, the Easter egg rolling carnival at + Preston, which dates back to mediaeval times, was, after a lapse of + four years, celebrated with great musto." + + _Midland Paper._ + +Pre-war eggs, apparently. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER CANDID CANDIDATE. + +"---- BOARD OF GUARDIANS. + +"Mrs. ---- desires to thank all who voted so splendidly, placing her at +the top of the pole." + +_Provincial Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "The queue at one part of the morning extended from the booking + office, past the Midland Station entrance, into City Square, + along the front of the Queen's Hotel, to the top of + yesterday."--_Yorkshire Paper_. + +Better than the middle of next week, anyhow. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Voice_. "IS THAT THE GREAT SOUTHERN RAILWAY?" + +_Flapper_. "YES." + +_Voice_. "ARE YOU THE PASSENGER DEPARTMENT?" + +_Flapper_. "NO, I'M THE GOODS."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Village Oracle._ "YOU MARK MY WORDS--THESE 'ERE +GERMANS 'LL DO US DOWN AT THIS FINISH. THEY'LL PAY THE BLOOMIN' SIX +THOUSAND MILLIONS, OR WOTEVER IT IS, IN THREEPENNY BITS; AND THEN 'OO +THE 'ELL'S GOING TO COUNT IT?"] + + * * * * * + +"AS YOU WERE." + +A MEMORY OF MI-CARÊME. + +Chippo Munks is a regular time-serving soldier, as distinguished from +the amateurs who only joined the Army for the sake of a war. His company +conduct-sheet runs into volumes, and in peace-time they fix a special +peg outside the orderly-room for him to hang his cap on. At present he +systematically neglects the functions of billet-orderly at a Base town +in France. + +A month or two ago he came across Chris Jones. + +"Fined fourteen days' pay," said Chippo; "an' cheap it was at the price. +But the financial embarrassment thereby followin' puts me under the +necessity of borrowing the loan of a five-spotter." + +"How did it happen?" said Chris, playing for time. + +"'Twas this way," said Chippo. "The other night I was walking down the +Roo Roobray, thinking out ways of making you chaps more comfortable in +the billet, as is my custom. Suddenly out of the gloom there looms a Red +Indian in full war-paint. + +"'Strange,' thinks I. 'Chinks an' Portugoose we expects here, likewise +Annamites and Senegalese an' doughboys; but I never heard that the +BUFFALO BILL aggregation had taken the war-path.' + +"He passes, and a little Geisha comes tripping by. I rubs my eyes an' +says, 'British Constitootian' correctly; but she was followed by a Gipsy +King and a Welsh Witch. Then I sees a masked Toreador coming along, and +I decides to arsk him all about it. The language question didn't worry +me any. I can pitch the cuffer in any bat from Tamil to Arabic, an' the +only chap I couldn't compree was a deaf-an'-dumb man who suffered from +St. Vitus' Dance, which made 'im stutter with his fingers. + +"'Hi, caballero,' says I, 'where's the bull-fight?' + +"'It isn't a bull-fight, M'sieur,' he replies. 'It's Mi-Carême.' + +"'If he's an Irishman,' I says, 'I never met him; but if it's a kind of +pastry I'll try some.' + +"Then he shows me a doorway through which they was all entering, and +beside it was a big yellow poster which said, '_Mi-Carême. Grand Bal +Costume. Cavaliers, 2 francs. Dames, 1 franc 50 centimes.'_ + +"'I'd love to be a cavalier at two francs a time,' I remarks. 'Besides, +I want to make the farther acquaintance of little Perfume of Pineapple +Essence who passed by just now.' + +"'It will be necessary to 'ave a costume, M'sieur,' says Don Rodrigo. + +"'Trust me,' I answers with dignity; 'I've won diplomas as a fancy-dress +architect.' + +"I goes to my billet and investigates the personal effects of my +colleagues. My choice fell on a Cameron kilt, a football jersey and a +shrapnel helmet. These I puts into a bundle an' hikes back to the Hall +of Dance. + +"'May I ask what M'sieur represents?' said the doorkeeper as I paid my +two francs. + +"'I haven't started yet,' I answers asperiously. 'I assumes my costume +as APPIUS CLAUDIUS in the dressing-room.' + +"Well, when I'd finished my toilette--regrettin' the while that I +hadn't brought a pair of spurs to complete the costume--I entered the +ball-room. It was a scene of East-end--I mean Eastern--splendour. +Carmens an' Father Timeses, Pierrots an' Pierrettes, Pompadours an' +Apaches was gyrating to the soft strains of the orchestra, who perspired +at the piano in his shirt-sleeves. + +"All of a sudden I saw my little Geisha, my Stick of Scented +Brilliantine, waltzing with the Toreador, an' my heart started beating +holes in my football jersey. When the orchestra stopped playing to light +a cigarette I sought her out. + +"'O Choicest of the Fifty-seven Varieties,' I says, 'deign to give me +your honourable hand for the next gladiatorial jazz.' + +"The Bull-fighter looked black, but she put her little hand in mine an' +we trod a stately measure. Every now an' then a shadow passed o'er the +ballroom, an' I knew it was the Toreador scowling. But I took no notice +of him, an' we danced nearly everything on the menu, Don Rodrigo only +getting an odd item now an' then to prevent him dying of grief. + +"By-an'-by the Geisha said she must be going, so I offered to escort her +home. Don Roddy tried to butt in, and when he got the frozen face he +used langwidge more like a cow-puncher than a bull-fighter. I didn't +trouble to change my clothes, because it seemed to be the custom to walk +about like freaks at Mi-Carême, and we had a lovely promenade in the +pale moonlight. + +"When I returned the revelry was nearly over an' the orchestra was +getting limp. I went into the cloak-room to change my clothes, but I +couldn't find 'em anywhere. What annoyed me most about it was that there +was five francs in my trouser pockets which I was saving to pay you back +the loan I borrered last week." + +"I wondered when you were going to say something about that," said Chris +Jones. + +"It fair upset me," continued Chippo. "And then all at once I saw my old +pal the Toreador sneaking out of the door with a bundle an' the leg of +a pair of khaki trousers hanging out of it. I gave a wild whoop an' was +after him like the wind. + +"Don Roddy was some runner. He doubled down the Roo Roubray, dodged +round a corner an' made for the Grand Pont. I was gaining on him fast +when I plunked into the arms of two Military Police. + +"'What particular specie of night-bird do you call yourself?' said one +of 'em, holding my arm in a grip of iron. + +"'I'm a Sergeant-drummer in the Roman-Legion,' says I, trying to get +away. 'An' I'm in a hurry.' + +"'Well, where's your pass?' + +"'We don't wear 'em in our battalion,' I says. 'For heving's sake let me +go. There's a chap over there trying to pinch my wardrobe.' + +"It was no use. They held me tight, notwithstandin' me struggles, till +the Toreador disappeared from view over the bridge. + +"'That's done it. I'll go quietly,' I groans to the M.P.'s in +despair. 'That's Chris Jones's five francs gone west, and nuthen else +matters.'"... + +"Well," said Chris Jones, "what then?" + +"The rest you knows," said Chippo plaintively, "exceptin' that later my +clothes was mysteriously dumped at th' billet with the pockets empty. +But I think the distressing circumstances are such as warrants me in +arsking fer the loan of another five francs." + +"They would be," said Chris Jones, fumbling with his wallet, "only I +happened to be the Toreador myself. But you can have the same old five +francs back, an' be 'as you were'!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "CAN I 'AVE THE AFTERNOON OFF TO SEE A BLOKE ABAHT A JOB +FER MY MISSIS?" + +"YOU'LL BE BACK IN THE MORNING, I SUPPOSE?" + +"YUS--IF SHE DON'T GET IT."] + + * * * * * + +HOW TO PLAY GOLF WITH YOUR HEAD. + + "He cocked his head up when playing his approach and hit it all + along the carpet." + + _Evening Paper_. + + * * * * * + +AS YOU LIKE IT OR DON'T. + +SCENE.--_Bois do Boulogne_. + +_Enter_ Orlando. + + _Orlando (reading from sheet of paper)._ + + I should be extremely gloomy + If they pinched from me my Fiume. + +[_Pins composition on tree._ + +Hang there, my verse, in witness of my love. [_Exit_. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "If this pianist is not heard again in Shanghai, he will carry away + with him the grateful thanks of our music-lovers." + + _Shanghai Mercury_. + + * * * * * + + "This debate will immediately precede the introduction of the + Budget, and will, let us hope, inaugurate a campaign for national + entrenchment."--_Provincial Paper._ + +Ah! if only, as taxpayers, we could dig ourselves in! + + * * * * * + +THE HOUSING QUESTION. + +Someone estimated the other day that England is short just now of five +hundred thousand houses. This is a miscalculation. She is really short +of five hundred thousand and one, the odd one being the house that we +are looking for and cannot find. + +We have discovered many houses in our tour of London, but none that +gives complete satisfaction. Either the locality or the shape or the +price is all wrong; or, as more often happens, the fixtures. By the +fixtures I mean, of course, the people who are already in the place and +refuse to come out of it; London is full of houses with the wrong people +in them. + +"I wonder," says Celia, standing outside some particularly desirable +residence, "if we dare go in and ask them if they wouldn't like to +move." + +"We can't live there unless they do," I agreed. "It would be so +crowded." + +"After all, I suppose they took it from somebody else some time or +other. I don't see why we shouldn't take it from _them_." + +"As soon as they put a 'TO LET' board outside we will." + +Celia hangs about hopefully for some days after this, waiting for a man +to come along with a "TO LET" board over his shoulder. As soon as he +plants it in the front garden she means to rush forward, strike out the +"TO," and present herself to the occupier with her cheque-book in her +hand. It is thus, she assures me, that the best houses are snapped up; +but it is weary waiting, and I cannot take my turn on guard, for I must +stay at home and earn the money which the landlord (sordid fellow) will +want. + +Sometimes we search the advertisement columns in the papers in the hope +of finding something that may do. + +"Here's one," I announced one morning; "'For American millionaires and +others. Fifteen bathrooms--' Oh, no, that's too big." + +"Isn't there anything for English hundredaires?" said Celia. + +"Here's one that says 'reasonable offer taken.'" + +"Yes, but I don't suppose we reason the same way as he does." + +"Well, here's one for four thousand pounds. That's not so bad. I mean as +a price, not as a house." + +"Have you got four thousand pounds?" + +"No; I was hoping _you_ had." + +"Couldn't you mortgage something--up to the hilt?" + +"We'll have a look," I said. + +We spent the rest of that day looking for something to mortgage, but +found nothing with a hilt at all high up. + +"Anyhow," I said, "it was a rotten house." + +"Wouldn't it be simpler," said Celia, "to put in an advertisement +ourselves, describing exactly the sort of house we want? That's the way +I always get servants." + +"A house is so much more difficult to describe than a cook." + +"Oh, but I'm sure _you_ could do it. You describe things so well." + +Feeling highly flattered, I retired to the library and composed. + +For the first hour or so I tried to do it in the _staccato_ language of +house-agents. They say all they want to say in five lines; I tried to +say all we wanted to say in ten. The result was hopeless. We both agreed +that we should hate to live in that sort of house. Celia indeed seemed +to feel that if I couldn't write better than that we couldn't afford to +live in a house at all. + +"You don't seem to realise," I said, "that in the ordinary way people +pay _me_ for writing. This time, so far from receiving any money, I have +actually got to hand it out in order to get into print at all. You can +hardly expect me to give my best to an editor of that kind." + +"I thought that the artist in you would insist on putting your best into +_everything_ that you wrote, quite apart from the money." + +Of course after that the artist in me had to pull himself together. An +hour later it had delivered itself as follows:-- + +"WANTED, an unusual house. When I say unusual I mean that it mustn't +look like anybody's old house. Actually it should contain three +living-rooms and five bedrooms. One of the bedrooms may be a +dressing-room, if it is quite understood that a dressing-room does not +mean a cupboard in which the last tenant's housemaid kept her brushes. +The other four bedrooms must be a decent size and should get plenty of +sun. The exigencies of the solar system may make it impossible for the +sun to be always there, but it should be around when wanted. With regard +to the living-rooms, it is essential that they should not be square +but squiggly. The drawing-room should be particularly squiggly; the +dining-room should have at least an air of squiggliness; and the third +room, in which I propose to work, may be the least squiggly of the +three, but it _must_ be inspiring, otherwise the landlord may not obtain +his rent. The kitchen arrangements do not interest me greatly, but they +will interest the cook, and for this reason should be as delightful as +possible; after which warning anybody with a really bad basement on his +hands will see the wisdom of retiring from the _queue_ and letting the +next man move up one. The bathroom should have plenty of space, not only +for the porcelain bath which it will be expected to contain, but also +(as is sometimes forgotten) for the bather after he or she has stepped +out of the bath. The fireplaces should not be, as they generally are, +utterly beastly. Owners of utterly beastly fireplaces may also move out +of the queue, but they should take their places up at the end again in +case they are wanted; for, if things were satisfactory otherwise, their +claims might be considered, since even the beastliest fireplace can be +dug out at the owner's expense and replaced with something tolerable. + +"A little garden would be liked. At any rate there must be a view of +trees, whether one's own or somebody else's. + +"As regards position, the house must be in London. I mean really in +London. I mean really in central London. The outlying portions of +Kensington, such as Ealing, Hanwell and Uxbridge, are no good. +Cricklewood, Highgate, New Barnet and similar places near Portman Square +are useless. It must be in London--in the middle of London. + +"Now we come to rather an important matter. Rent. It is up to you to say +how much you want; but let me give you one word of warning. Don't be +absurd. You aren't dealing now with one of those profiteers who remained +(with honour) in his own country. And you can have our flat in exchange, +if you like--well, it isn't ours really, it's the landlord's, but we +will introduce you to him without commission. Anyway, don't be afraid of +saying what you want; if it is absurd (and I expect it will be) we will +tell you so. And if you _must_ have a lump sum instead of an annual one, +well, perhaps we could manage to borrow it (from you or somebody); but +smaller annual lumps would be preferred." + +When I had written it out I handed it to Celia. + +"There you are," I said, "and, speaking as an artist, I don't see how I +can make it a word shorter." + +She read it carefully through. + +"It does sound a jolly house," she said wistfully. "Would it cost a lot +as an advertisement?" + +"About the first year's rent. And even then nobody would take it +seriously." + +"Oh, well, perhaps I'd better go and see another agent." She fingered +the advertisement regretfully. "It seems a pity to waste this," she +added with a smile. + +But the artist in me was already quite resolved that it should not be +wasted. + +A.A.M. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady_. "POOR DEAR! AND SO THEY REJECTED IT? IT'S A +SHAME--THEY OUGHT TO SET YOU SIMPLER SUBJECTS."] + + * * * * * + +A THREATENED SOURCE OF REVENUE. + +The POSTMASTER-GENERAL and the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER are at this +moment the most melancholy of men. For the last few months they had been +quietly chuckling to themselves over one of the most brilliant ideas +that ever adorned the annals of Government. But the best laid schemes +gang aft agley. + +While publicists and economic experts were shaking their grey hairs over +the prospect of national bankruptcy, the P.M.G. and the C. of E. were +weeping jazz tears of joy as the national debt lifted before their +eyes "like mist unrolled on the morning wind." And then certain +unsophisticated Members of a new, a very new, House of Commons began +their deadly work. As a result the main scheme of national solvency is +in danger. + +There are those who still think that the franchise was extended to women +merely as an objective piece of political justice. I hate cynicism, and +I should be the last to throw cold water on an ideal, but, as I said, +the real fruits of that political master-stroke are in danger. + +While millions of enfranchised women were quietly engaged in writing +twice a week to their particular Member, at three half-pence a time (or +more), they were unconsciously assisting the considered policy of His +Majesty's Government, which was that such letters should be written and +remain unanswered; that more letters and still more should be written, +stamped and posted to demand an answer, and that still more should be +written to friends and relations exposing the grave lack of courtesy at +Westminster. + +But, alas! certain Members, with monumental naïveté, have thought fit +to take their correspondence seriously. They have put questions to +Ministers. They have in so many crude words openly on the floor of the +House referred to "the increase in the number of letters which Members +now receive from their constituents on parliamentary matters, owing to +the recent additions to the franchise and its extension to women." +They have pleaded for the privilege of "franking" their answers. Could +perversity go further? What woman will continue to write to a Member who +satisfies her curiosity? And what of the unwritten, unstamped, unposted +letters of just indignation to friends and relations? + +The P.M.G.'s laconic answer to this monstrous request, "I do not think +it would be expedient," was highly commendable as a feat of Ministerial +restraint. But the gloom that has settled on him is only too solidly +grounded. These afflicted Members are out to raise a sentimental +public opinion in support of their silly demand. Then, of course, the +Government will capitulate, and the country will go Bolshevik from +excessive taxation. + +Will not all patriotic women constituents write at once to their Members +and point out the folly of this agitation? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I SHALL NEVER FIND ANYONE ELSE LIKE YOU. YOU SEE, YOU'RE +SO DIFFERENT FROM OTHER GIRLS." + +"OH, BUT YOU'LL FIND LOTS OF OTHER GIRLS DIFFERENT FROM OTHER GIRLS."] + + * * * * * + +OLD SOLDIERS. + + They dug us down and earthed us in, their hasty shovels plying, + Us the poor dead of Oudenarde, Ramillies, Waterloo; + We heard their drum-taps fading and their trumpet fanfares dying + As they marched away and left us, in the dark and silence lying, + Home-bound for happy England and the green fields that we knew. + + We slept. The seasons went their round. We did not hear the rover + Winds in our coverlets of grass, the plough-shares tear the mould; + We did not feel the bridal earth thrill to her April lover + Nor hear the song of bees among the poppies and the clover; + Snow-fall or sun to us were one and time went by untold. + + We woke. The soil about us shook to the long boom of thunder-- + War loose and making music on his crashing brazen gongs-- + The sharp hoof-beat, the thresh of feet stirred our old bones down under; + Wheels upon wheels ground overhead; then with a glow of wonder + We heard the chant of Englishmen singing their marching songs. + + Blood of our blood! We heard them swing a-down the teeming highways, + As we swung once. We heard them shout; we heard the jests they cast. + And we dead men remembered then blue Junes in Devon by-ways, + Star-dusted skies and women's eyes, women with sweet and shy ways. + These were their race! We strove to rise, but the strong clay held us fast. + + Year in, year out, along the roads the ceaseless wagons clattered; + Listened we for an English voice ever, ever in vain; + Far in the west, year out, year in, terrible thunders battered, + Drumming the doom of whom--of whom? Hope in our hearts lay shattered.... + Then we heard the lilt of Highland pipes and English songs again. + + On, ever on, we heard them press; their jaunty bugles blended + Proudly and clear that we might hear, we dead men of old wars, + How the red agony was passed and the long vigil ended. + Now may we sleep in peace again lapped in a vision splendid + Of England's banners marching onwards, upwards to the stars. + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MILITARY MUZZLE. + +FRITZ. "AFTER ALL, IT'S NOT MUCH GOOD BARKING WHEN THEY'VE STOPPED MY +BITE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR SENSITIVE YOUTH. + +_Cadet_. "'SCUSE ME, SIR--ARE YOU A DOCTOR? THERE'S A BOY FAINTED." + +_Doctor_. "AH--FATIGUE, I SUPPOSE?" + +_Cadet_. "No, SIR. THE SERGEANT SPLIT AN INFINITIVE."] + + * * * * * + +BRAINS AND BALDNESS. + +BY OUR MEDICAL EXPERT. + +(_With acknowledgments to "The Times"_). + +Baldness among men is undoubtedly on the increase, and various reasons +have been assigned for its appearance in an exacerbated form. In +particular the stress and strain of the War have been mooted, and the +argument is reinforced by such words as Chauvinism, which, Mr. LLOYD +GEORGE is probably not aware, is derived from _chauve_. War is a solvent +of equanimity; in the cant but expressive phrase it becomes harder to +keep one's hair on. Again, _inter arma silent Musae_. Fewer people have +been playing the pianoforte, an exercise which has always exerted a +stimulating effect on the follicles. Our political correspondent at +Paris writes that M. PADEREWSKI'S once luxuriant _chevelure_ has +suffered sadly since he has taken to politics, but that after playing +for a couple of hours to Mr. BALFOUR a distinct improvement was +noticeable. + +But no very clear exposition of the subject has yet been forthcoming, +and this is all the more extraordinary when it is considered that +baldness is really a very unsightly and distressing condition. + +The sensitiveness of JULIUS CAESAR on this score is notorious. CIMABUE, +of whom Mr. LLOYD GEORGE has probably never heard, was a martyr to +_alopecia seborrhoica_, and the case of the Highland chieftain MacAssar +is too well known to call for detailed survey. Yet the strange fact +remains that hitherto sustained scientific investigation has been +lacking, though there is assuredly a great, if not perhaps a vital, need +for it. No one can afford to say that, if this apparently, simple +malady were studied, facts of the utmost value to hatters would not +be forthcoming. One can only express regret that those fortunate +interviewers who have been allowed to describe the cranial developments +of eminent men should have failed to profit by their opportunities for +examining the "area of baldness," which corresponds to the distribution +of the Vth nerve, the branches of which come out from the brain by the +eye-sockets. Such investigations will never be properly carried out and +co-ordinated without the establishment of a Hair Ministry, which is one +of the clamant needs of reconstruction. It is an open secret that the +question was discussed a year ago and set aside for the curious reason +that of the three persons whose candidature was most powerfully +supported two were bald, and the third was the Member for Wigan. + +Meanwhile a start has been made by the unofficial activities of a small +committee of experts in trichology, and their conclusions, published in +an interim report, are worth recording. They are as follows: "That the +'area of baldness,' should an illness supervene, will certainly suffer +to a greater extent than the more vigorous ones. Illness, as is well +known, tends to interfere with the nourishment of the skin and to +establish an atrophic diathesis of the follicular ganglia. The patient's +hair may all come out, or, and this often happens, it may come out only +in one area--the area of baldness." + +In a minority report, signed by only one of the committee, the strange +theory was expounded that genius developed in a direct ratio with the +loss of hair between the temporal regions and the crown of the head. +It was also pointed out that in a great number of TURNER'S pictures a +special feature was the prominence given to bald-headed fishermen in +high lights. This observation does not seem to represent a scientific +attempt to handle the problem; but it should not be rashly dismissed on +that account. + +In a further article we hope to deal with the effect of hard hats on +the conductivity of the branches of the Vth nerve, the mentality of the +Hairy Ainus and other cognate questions. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mr. 'Iggins (describing his first experience in +lawsuit)._ "'IS LORDSHIP SEZ, 'YOU CAN GO. THE CASE IS ADJOURNED +_SINE DIE_. WELL, I WASN'T GOING TO LET 'IM THINK I DIDN'T RUMBLE 'IS +LAW-TALK, SO I JUS' GIVES 'IM A WINK AN' SEZ, 'RIGHT-O! GOOD BYE-EE!'"] + + * * * * * + +BOLSHEVISMUS. + +_Valparaiso, April 18th_. (By special cable to _The Daily +Thrill_.)--Three men, named Fedor Popemoff, Leon Strunski and Igor +Wunderbaum, were arrested here this morning on suspicion of being +Bolshevist agents. Their lodging was searched and a quantity of +seditious literature, a portmanteau full of Browning pistols and some +hanks of dried caviare removed. At a preliminary examination they +claimed that they had been sent to Chile by the Siberian Red Cross to +establish a co-operative guinea-pig ranch for indigent Grand Dukes. The +police believe that Wunderbaum is no other than the notorious McDuff, +the Peebles anarchist, who, when not actively engaged in preaching +revolution, used to earn a precarious livelihood contributing to the +Scottish comic papers. + +_Moscow, April 17th_ (delayed). (By the Special Correspondent of _The +Morning Roast_.)--By intervening in Russia at once the Allies can +destroy Bolshevism at a blow. Three days hence the Red hordes may be +sweeping across Western Europe in an irresistible flood. At the present +moment Trotsky has less than one thousand one hundred and thirty-five +trustworthy troops all told, mostly Chinese, with a smattering of Army +Service Corps. In a month's time he will have a million and a half of +well-trained soldiers at his beck. Don't ask me how he does it. He +has plenty of money and his Army is well paid. Only yesterday I saw a +private of the Red Guards pay five roubles for a hair-cut. Will it be +another case of "Too late"? + +_New York, April 18th._ (By special cable to _The Daily Thrill_.)--While +truffle-tracking in the Saratoga forest a corporal and three men of the +United States Marines came upon what is believed to be a _cache_ of +Bolshevist arms. The _cache_ contained six 9-inch howitzers, two hundred +thousand rifles and a million rounds of ammunition, and was skilfully +concealed under the bole of a tree. Secret service men claim that this +is part of a gigantic plot for the disorganization of traffic, the +nationalization of cocktails and the wresting of Ireland from the +strangulating grip of the Anglo-Saxon party. Two men have been arrested +in Seattle in connection with the affair. On one of them was found +Bolshevist literature and two hundred million francs in notes of the +Deutsche Bank. He admitted that his name was not Devlin and said that +the money had been given to him to hold by an Australian soldier who had +not returned for it. + +_Moscow, April 19th._ (From the Special Correspondent of _The Daily +Blues_.)--I have just had a chat with Hackoff, the confidant of Trotsky. +He indignantly denied that Russia was in a state of anarchy and pointed +out that one hundred and twenty-three thousand one hundred and nine +persons had already been executed for conduct likely to cause a breach +of the peace. There can be no question that the man is sincere. He was +very despondent, and stated that, owing to false reports spread by the +Allies, the Bolshevist paper money had become worthless, except in +Paris, where they would take anything you had on you. He urged that +unless an arrangement could be made with the United States for a loan +or Colonel Wedgwood would consent to take command of the Red Army the +counter-revolution could no longer be resisted. Hackoff is a shrewd +fellow, but neither he nor Trotsky can cope with the situation much +longer. Only last week I telegraphed Mr. Lloyd George that England must +act at once if we are to save Bolshevism from being nothing better than +a Utopian dream. + +_Wilna, April 20th._ (By special cable to _The Morning Roast_.)--Five +hundred thousand Red Guards, well supplied with heavy artillery and +German engineers (_Wurmtruppen_), are advancing on the town. The Church +Lads Brigade are parading the streets day and night to prevent looting. +Outwardly the Burgomaster remains calm, but this morning he told me, +with tears in his eyes, that unless three carloads of potatoes reached +the doomed city before next Friday nothing could save it. "Ah," he +cried, "if only rich England would send us some of her tinned milk!" + +_Stockholm, April 21st._ (From the Special Correspondent of _The Daily +Thrill_.)--An extraordinary incident has come to light here. While the +baggage of Mlle. Orloff, the famous _danseuse_, was being unloaded at +the pier a heavy trunk dropped from the sling and crashed on to the +wharf. Rendered suspicious by the lady's unaccountable agitation, +Customs officers searched the trunk and found at the bottom of it six +hundred million pounds in bank-notes and a Russian named Oilivitch, who +at first claimed to be a scenic artist, but finally admitted that he had +been appointed by Lenin ambassador to the Netherlands. Communication +with Scotland Yard has now established the astounding fact that he is +the Abram Oilivitch who in 1914 kept a fish-and-chips shop in Lower +Tittlebat Street, Houndsditch. Oilivitch first came under suspicion when +it was discovered that Litvinoff had been seen to purchase a haddock at +his shop. He was also known to have contributed eighteen-pence to the +funds of the Union of Democratic Control, but afterwards recovered the +sum, claiming that he had paid it under the erroneous belief that +the Union of Democratic Control was an institution for extending +philanthropy to decaying fishmongers. After disappearing from sight for +a while Oilivitch was next heard of in the Censor's Department, from +which he was removed for suppressing a number of postal orders, but +afterwards reinstated and transferred to the Foreign Office. He left the +Foreign Office in June, 1918, as the result of ill-health, and was given +a passport to Russia, where his medical adviser resided. + +_Later_.--It now transpires that Oilivitch was also employed at the +Admiralty, the War Office and the National Liberal Club. It has also +been established that he was born in Düsseldorf and that his real name +is Gustaf Schnapps. He is being detained on suspicion. + +_Moscow, April 23rd._ (By special cable to _The Daily Blues_.)--The +situation here, thanks to the preposterous conduct of the Allies, +is desperate. Food is unobtainable and Trotsky has only one pair +of trousers. Unless something is done the Soviet Committee will +disintegrate and chaos ensue. Already grave unrest is manifesting itself +in various parts of the country. Hackoff, the able Minister of Justice +and Sociology, tells me that he has already raised the weekly executions +of bourgeoisie from six to ten thousand, in a desperate endeavour to +prevent disorder on the part of the populace. It is not too late for +the Peace Conference to act. Trotsky admitted to me yesterday that, +on receipt of fifty thousand pounds and a new pair of trousers as a +guarantee of good faith, he would allow the Big Four to present their +case to him. He is firm on the subject of an indemnity and the execution +of Mr. Bottomley. Otherwise he is moderation itself. But the Allies must +act at once. To-morrow will be too late. + +ALGOL. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Pupil_. "WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS, AM I A BASS OR A +BARITONE?" + +_Teacher_. "NO--YOU'RE NOT."] + + * * * * * + +INTELLIGENT ANTICIPATION. + + "If births can be arranged would not mind taking charge of children + in lieu of passage." + + _Advt. in "Statesman." (Calcutta)._ + + * * * * * + + "It is unsafe even to curry favour with the French just to spite + your own Prim Minister." + + _Sunday Paper_. + +Mr. LLOYD GEORGE has been called a lot of things in his time, but--prim! + + * * * * * + +From a concert programme:-- + + "Recitatif et Grand air D'oedipe à Cologne." + +It was after the long march to the Rhine, no doubt, that the hero +acquired the nickname of "Swellfoot." + + * * * * * + +THE DREAM TELEPHONE. + + I go to bed at half-past six + And Nurse says, "No more funny tricks;" + She takes the light and goes away + And all alone up there I stay. + + And, as I lie there all alone, + Sometimes I hear the telephone; + I hear them say, "Yes, that's all right," + Then, "Buzz, buzz, buzz," and then "Good-night." + + And sometimes as I lie it seems + That people come into my dreams; + I hear a bell ring far away, + And then I hear the people say: + + "Have you a little girl up there, + The room that's by the Nursery stair? + We are the people that she knew + Before she came to live with you. + + "Tell her we know she bruised her knee + In falling from the apple-tree; + Tell her that we'll come very soon + And find the missing tea-set spoon. + + "She knows we often come and peep + And kiss her when she's fast asleep; + We think you'll suit her soon all right." + Then, "Buzz, buzz, buzz," and then, "Good-night." + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER KNOCK FOR "THE TIMES." + + "_WE_ ARE BACKING NORTHCLIFFE." + + _Poster of "John Bull."_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I SUPPOSE YOUR LANDLORD ASKS A LOT FOR THE RENT OF THIS +PLACE?" + +"A LOT! HE ASKS ME FOR IT NEARLY EVERY WEEK."] + + * * * * * + +DOGS' DELIGHT. + +SCENE.--_Interior of shop devoted to the sale of cutlery, leatherware +and dogs' collars, leads, etc. Customers discovered lining the counter, +others in background leading puzzled and suspicious dogs. The proprietor +is endeavouring to serve ordinary purchasers, answer questions, punch +holes in straps and give change simultaneously. A harried assistant in a +white coat is dealing, as well as he can, with overwhelming demands for +muzzles._ + +_Proprietor_. Yes, Sir, you'll find that razor-strop quite... Six holes +wanted in that strap? (_To Assistant_) Right--leave it here and--Sorry, +Madam, I can't attend to you just now.... Don't happen to have a +_ten_-shilling note, do you, Sir? No? Well, I may be able to manage it +for you.... If you'll speak to my assistant, Madam; _he_'s attending to +the muzzling. + +_The Owner of a subdued nondescript (calling Assistant)._ Will you ask +this lady to kindly keep her dog from trying to kill mine, please? + +_The Other Lady (whose dog, a powerful and truculent Airedale, seems to +have conceived a sudden and violent dislike for the nondescript)._ +Yours must have done _something_ to irritate him--he's generally such a +good-tempered dog. + +_Assistant (to the Airedale, which is barking furiously and straining at +his lead)._ 'Ere, sherrup, will you? Allow me, Mum. I'll put 'im where +he can 'ave 'is good temper out to 'imself. _(He hustles the Airedale to +a small office, where he shuts him in--to his and his owner's intense +disapproval. A fox-terrier in another customer's arms becomes hysterical +with sympathy and utters ear-rending barks.)_ Oh, kindly get that dawg +to sherrup, Mum, or we'll 'ave the lot of 'em orf; or could you look in +some day when he's more collected? + +_Another Lady_. I say, I want a muzzle for my dog. + +_Assistant (sardonically)._ You surprise me, Mum! We're very near sold +out, but if you'll let me 'ave a look at your dawg, p'r'aps-- + +_The Lady_. Oh, I haven't _brought_ him. Left him at Barnes. + +_Assistant. 'Ave_ yer, Mum? Well, yer see, I can't run down to +Barnes--not just now I can't. + +_The Lady_. No, but I thought--he's rather a large dog, a Pekinese +spaniel. + +_Assistant_. Then I couldn't fit 'im if 'e was 'ere, cos 'e'd want a +short muzzle and we've run out o' them. + +_A Customer with a Pekinese_. Then will you find me a muzzle for _this_ +one? + +_Assistant (with resigned despair)._ You jest 'eard me say we 'ad no +short muzzles, Mum. If you don't mind waiting 'ere an hour or two I'll +send a man to the factory in a taxi to bring back a fresh stock--if +they've got any, which I don't guarantee. + +_The Customer with the Pekinese._ But I saw some leather muzzles in the +window; one of those would do beautifully. + +_Assistant._ I shall 'ave great pleasure in selling you one, Mum, on'y +Gover'ment says they've got to be wire. 'Owever, it's _your_ risk, not +mine. Well, since you ask me, I think you _'ad_ better wait. + +_A Customer (carrying a large brown-and-white dog with lop ears and +soulful eyes)._ I've been kept waiting here two hours, and I think it's +high time-- + +_Assistant._ If you'll bring 'im along to the back shop, Mum, I _may_ +have one left his size. + +_A Lady with a lovely complexion and an unlovely griffon (to her +companion)._ So fussy and tiresome of the Government bringing in muzzles +again after all these years! + +_Her Companion._ Oh, I don't _know_. We've had a mysterious dog running +about snapping in our district for days. + +_The Lady with the complexion._ Ah, but _this_ poor darling _never_ +snaps, and, besides, he hasn't been used to muzzles in Belgium. You +needn't _mention_ it, but I got a friend of mine to smuggle him over for +me--such a _dear_ boy, he'll do anything I ask him to. + +_Assistant (after attempting to fit the soulful-eyed dog with a muzzle +and narrowly escaping being bitten)._ There, that's enough for _me_, +Mum. Jest take that dawg out at once, please. + +_Owner of the dog (which, having gained its point, affects an air of +innocent detachment)._ I shall do nothing of the kind. It was the brutal +way you took hold of her. The _gentlest_ creature! Why, I've _had_ her +three years! + +_Assistant._ I don't care if you've 'ad her a century. They're all +angels as come 'ere; but I ain't going to 'ave _my_ thumb bit by no +angels, so will you kindly walk out? + +_Owner._ Without a muzzle? Never! + +_Assistant._ Then I shall 'ave to call in a constable to make you. I'm +not bound to sell you nothing. + +_Owner (with spirit). Call_ a constable then! _I_ don't care. Here I +stay till I get that muzzle. + +_Assistant (giving up his idea of calling a constable)._ Then I should +advise you to take a chair, Mum, as we don't close till seven. + +_Owner (retreating with dignity)._ All _I_ can say is that I call it +perfectly disgraceful. I shall certainly report your conduct; and I only +hope you won't sell a single other muzzle to-day! + +_Assistant._ If I didn't I could bear up. _(To a lady with an elderly +Blenheim)_ If it's a muzzle, Mum-- + +_The Owner of the Blenheim_. That's just what I want to know. _Must_ he +have a muzzle? You see, he's got no teeth, so he couldn't possibly bite +anyone--now, _could_ he? + +_Assistant. I_ dunno, Mum. You take 'im to see the Board of Agriculture. +_They'll_ give you an opinion on 'im. _(To Staff Officer who +approaches)_ Sorry, Sir, but our stock of muzzles-- + +_Staff Officer._ All I want is a new leather band for this wrist-watch. +Got one? + +_Assistant (with joy)._ Thank 'eaven I _'ave_! Gaw bless the Army! + +F.A. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Helen's elder Sister._ "YOU KNOW, ALL THE STARS ARE +WORLDS LIKE OURS." + +_Helen._ "WELL, I SHOULDN'T LIKE TO LIVE ON ONE--IT WOULD BE SO HORRID +WHEN IT TWINKLED."] + + * * * * * + +THE REVOLT. + + There is a cupboard underneath the stair + Where moth and rust hold undisputed sway, + And here is hid my old civilian wear, + And my wife sits and plays with it all day, + Since Peace is imminent and, I'm advised, + Even the bard may be demobilised. + + She is a woman who was clearly born + To be the monarch of a helpless male; + And when she says, "This overcoat is torn," + "These flannel trousers are beyond the pale," + "You can't be seen in any of those shirts," + I acquiesce, but, goodness, how it hurts. + + For they are rich with memories of Peace, + The soiled habiliments my lady loathes. + I do not long for trousers with a crease; + I _do not want_ another crowd of clothes-- + Particularly as you have to pay + Seventeen guineas for a suit to-day. + + We are but worms, we husbands; yet 'tis said, + When the sad worm lies broken and at bay, + There comes a moment when the thing sees red, + And one such moment has occurred to-day; + "Look at this hat," I said, "this old top-hat; + I will not wear another one like that. + + "This is the hat I purchased in the High, + Still crude and young and ignorant of sin; + I wooed you in this hat--I don't know why; + This is the hat that I was married in; + In it I walked on Sunday through the parks, + And even then the people made remarks. + + "Now it is dead--the last of all its line-- + Nothing like this shall mar the poet's Peace; + What have the nations fought for, wet and fine, + If not that ancient tyrannies should cease? + What use the Crowns of Europe coming croppers + If we are still to be the slaves of 'toppers'? + + "It speaks to me of many an ancient sore-- + Of calls and cards and Sunday afternoon; + Of hideous wanderings from door to door + And choking necks and patent-leather shoon; + 'The War is won,' as Mr. ASQUITH said, + And all these evils are or should be dead. + + "It moves me not that other men with wives + Have fall'n already in the old abyss, + Have let their women ruin all their lives + And ordered new atrocities like this. + President WILSON will have missed success + If other men determine how I dress. + + "Yonder there hangs the helmet of a Hun, + And I will hang this horror at its side; + Twin symbols of an epoch which is done, + These shall remind our children----" My wife sighed, + "You'll have to get another one, I fear;" + And all I said was, "Very well, my dear." + +A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + +Notice in a cobbler's window:-- + + "Will customers please bring their own paper for repairs?" + + * * * * * + + "Miss Carnegie wore a gown of white satin and point appliqué lace, + with a lace veil falling from a light brown coiffeur almost to the + end of the train."--_Daily Mirror_. + +It doesn't say whether the light-brown coiffeur was a page or the best +man. + + * * * * * + +From an account of the British sailors' reception in Paris:-- + + "Sous les clamations de la foule, les marins gagnent par les + Champs-Elysées, la rue Royale et le boulevard Malesherbes, le Lycée + Carnot, où M. Breakfast les attend."--_French Local Paper_. + +Hospitality personified! + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"BUSINESS BEFORE PLEASURE." + +The return of _Abe Potash_ and _Mawruss Perlmutter_ to London is not +an event to be regarded indifferently. The light-hearted pair have +evidently been through some anxious times. _Rosie Potash_ can never have +been a very easy woman to live with. She has not improved. And now that +she has infected _Ruth Perlmutter_ with her morbid jealousies the alert +and as yet unbroken _Mawruss_ begins to know something of what his +long-suffering, not to say occasionally abject, partner, _Abe_, has had +to endure these many years. + +It was bad enough in the dress business. But now they have gone into +films it is indefinitely worse. Every reasonable person must know that +you can't produce really moving pictures without an immense amount of +late office hours, dining and supping out and that sort of thing, a +fact which the _Rosies_ and _Ruths_ of this world can't be expected +to appreciate. So that it would be as well, think the ingenuous +_entrepreneurs_, if _The Fatal Murder_ were, so far as the ladies' parts +are concerned, cast from members of the two households. Besides, what +an excellent way of keeping the money in the family. However _The Fatal +Murder_ is a dud; _Rosie_ and _Ruth_ are not the right shape; and film +acting, with the necessary pep, is not a thing you can just acquire by +wishing so. + +What is wanted, says the voluble young hustler in the firm, who +alone seems to know anything of the business, is real actresses as +distinguished from members of the directors' families, and above all a +good vampire. A vampire is the very immoral and under-dressed type of +woman that wrecks hearts and homes, and without which no film with a +high moral purpose is conceivable. You must have shadows to throw up the +light. And on this principle all the uplift and moral instruction of +that potent instrument of grace, the cinematograph, is based--a fact +which will not have escaped the notice of cinema-goers. + +When _Rita Sismondi_ appears in an evil Futurist black-and-white gown by +Viola you can tell at once she is the goods. But naturally _Abe's_ first +thought is, "What will _Rosie_ say?" His second, shared by _Mawruss_: +"Hang _Rosie_! We shall both like this lady." Finances are not +flourishing, but the crooked manager of the very unbusinesslike bank +that is financing the P. and P. Film Co. harbours designs on the virtue +of _Rita_, who has this commodity in a measure unusual with film +vampires (or usual, I forget which), and is just a slightly adventurous +prude out for a good time. He accordingly advances more money for _The +Guilty Dollar_ on condition that _Rita_ be engaged, and yet more money +on condition that she be not fired by any machinations of jealous wives. + +_Rosie_, indeed, says a good deal when she turns up at a rehearsal and +finds the vampire clad in the third of a gown hazardously suspended +on her gracious shoulders by bead straps, and _Mawruss_ and _Abe_ +demonstrating how in their opinion the kissing scenes should be +conducted so as to make a really notable production. However, the +vampire's film vices make the success of the company, and her private +virtues bring all to a happy ending. + +The story need hardly concern us. It is not plausible, which matters +nothing at all. Mr. YORKE and Mr. LEONARD are the essential outfit, and +it seems to me they are better than ever. One simply _has_ to laugh, +louder and oftener than is seemly for a self-respecting Englishman. No +doubt their authors, Messrs. GLASS and GOODMAN, give them plenty of good +things to say, but it is the astonishing finish and precision of their +technique which make their work so pleasant to watch. If it throws into +awkward relief the amateurishness of some of their associates that can't +be helped. Miss VERA GORDON'S _Rosie_ is a good performance, and Miss +JULIA BRUNS, the vampire, seemed to me to make with considerable skill +and subtlety a real character (within the limits allowed by the farcical +nature of the scheme) out of what might easily have been uninvitingly +crude. + +T. + + * * * * * + +OUR FRIEND THE FISH. + +"What is a sardine?" was a question much before the Courts some few +years ago, not unprofitably for certain gentlemen wearing silk, and +the correct solution I never heard; but I can supply, from personal +observation, one answer to the query, and that is, "An essential +ingredient in London humour." For without this small but sapid +fish--whatever he may really be, whether denizen of the Sardinian sea, +immature Cornish pilchard, or mere plebeian sprat well oiled--numbers of +our fellow-men and fellow-women, with all the will in the world, might +never raise a laugh. As it is, thanks to his habit of lying in excessive +compression within his tin tabernacle, and the prevalence in these +congested days of too many passengers on the Tubes, on the Underground +and in the omnibuses, whoever would publicly remove gravity has but to +set up the sardine comparison and be rewarded. + +Why creatures so remote from man as fishes--cold-blooded inhabitants of +an element in which man exists only so long as he keeps on the surface; +mute, incredible and incapable of exchanging any intercourse with +him--why these should provide the Cockney, the dweller in the citiest +City of the world, with so much of the material of jocoseness is an +odd problem. But they do. Herrings, when cured either by smoke or sun, +notoriously contribute to the low comedian's success. The mere word +"kipper" has every girl in the gallery in a tittering ecstasy. But +outside the Halls it is the sardine that conquers. + +In one day this week I witnessed the triumph of the sardine on three +different occasions, and it was always hearty and complete. + +The first time was in a lift at Chancery Lane. It is not normally a very +busy station, but our attendant having, as is now the rule, talked too +long with the attendant of a neighbouring lift, we were more than full +before the descent began. We were also cross and impatient, the rumble, +from below, of trains that we might just us well be in doing nothing to +steady our nerves. + +But help came--and came from that strange quarter the mighty ocean, from +Chancery Lane so distant! "Might as well," said a burly labourer (or, +for all I know, burly receiver of unemployment dole)--"might as well be +sardines in a tin!" + +Straightway we all laughed and viewed our lost time with more serenity. + +Later I was in a 'bus in Victoria Street, on its way to the Strand. +As many persons were inside, seated or standing on their own and on +others' feet, as it should be permitted to hold, but still another two +were let in by the harassed conductress. + +"I say, Miss," said the inevitable wag, who was one of the standing +passengers, "steady on. We're more than full up already, you know. Do +you take us for sardines?" + +And again mirth rocked us. + +Finally, that night I was among the stream of humanity which pours down +Villiers Street from the theatres for half-an-hour or so between 10.40 +and 11.10, all in some mysterious way to be absorbed into the trains or +the trams and conveyed home. After some desperate struggles on Charing +Cross platform I found myself a suffering unit in yet another dense +throng in a compartment going West; and again, amid delighted merriment, +some one likened us to sardines. + +It is not much of a joke, but you will notice that it so seldom fails +that one wonders why any effort is ever made to invent a better. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU KNEW THE FUNNY MAN, SIS." + +"I DIDN'T. BUT BY THE TIME I DISCOVERED THAT I DIDN'T--WELL, I DID."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_ + +_Madam Constantia_ (LONGMANS) is a war story, but of an earlier and +more picturesque war. A simple tale, I am bound to call it, revolving +entirely round a situation not altogether unknown to fiction, in which +the hero and heroine, being of opposite sides, love and fight one +another simultaneously. Actually the scene is set during the American +struggle for independence, thus providing a sufficiency of pomp and +circumstance in the way of fine uniforms and pretty frocks; and +the protagonists are _Captain Carter_, of the British service, and +_Constantia Wilmer_, daughter of the American who had captured him. +Perhaps you may recall that the identical campaign has already provided +a very similar position (reversed) in _Miss Elizabeth's Prisoner_. It is +only a deserved tribute to the skill with which Mr. JEFFERSON CARTER +has told this adventure of his namesake to admit that I am left with an +uncertainty, not usual to the reviewing experience, whether it is in +fact a true or an imagined affair. In any event its development follows +a well-trodden path. We have the captive, jealous in honour, susceptible +and exasperatingly Quixotic, doubly enchained by his word and the charms +of his fair wardress; the lady's conspicuous ill-treatment of him at +the first, a slight mystery, some escapes and counterplots, and on the +appointed page the matrimonial finish that hardly the most pessimistic +reader can ever have felt as other than assured. Fact or fiction, you +may spend an agreeable hour in watching the course of _Captain Carter's_ +courtship overcoming its rather obvious obstacles. + + * * * * * + +Because I have so great an admiration for their beneficent activities, I +have always wanted to meet a novel with a lot about dentists in it, +and now Miss DOROTHY M. RICHARDSON, in _The Tunnel_ (DUCKWORTH), has +satisfied my desire. Dentists--a houseful of them--spittoons, revolving +basins; patients going upstairs with sinking feelings; wondering at the +pattern on the wallpaper; going down triumphant. Teeth. Appointment +books. Dentists everywhere. This is not a quotation, but very like +one, for Miss RICHARDSON affects the modern manner. Though one of the +dentists is quite the most agreeable person in the book, he isn't the +hero, because the author is much too clever to have anything of the +sort. Her method, exploited some time ago in that remarkable book, +_Pointed Roofs_, is to get right inside one _Miriam Henderson_ and +keep on writing out her thoughts with as little explanation of her +circumstances as possible, so that _The Tunnel_, to anyone who has +missed the earlier books, must be very nearly unintelligible. Even the +sincere admirer of Miss RICHARDSON'S talent will begin to wonder how +many more books at the present rate of progress must be required to +bring _Miriam_ to, say, threescore years and ten. My own belief is that +if her creator is ever so ill-advised as to put her beneath a 'bus or +drop her down a lift-well, she herself will be gone too; and for that I +should be sorry, since I agree with almost all the nice things Miss MAY +SINCLAIR says of the earlier books in an appreciation here reprinted +from _The Egoist_. Miss RICHARDSON has evolved a way of writing a novel +which somehow suggests the Futurist way of painting a picture; but _The +Tunnel_ has left me wondering whether she has not carried her method a +little too far. It seems to me that some of her heroine's thoughts were +not worth recording; but perhaps when another four or five books have +been added to _Miriam's_ life-history I may discover what the scheme may +be that lies behind them all, and change my mind. + + * * * * * + +More than once before this I have enjoyed the dexterity of Miss VIOLET +HUNT in a certain type of social satire; but I regret to say that the +expectation with which I opened _The Last Ditch_ (STANLEY PAUL) was +doomed to some disappointment. The idea was promising enough--a study of +our British best people confronting the ordeal of world-war; but somehow +it failed to capture me. For one reason it is told in a series of +letters--a dangerous method at any time. As usual, these are far too +long and literary to be genuine; though they keep up a rather irritating +pretence of reality by repetitions of the same events in correspondence +from different writers. Moreover, letters whose concern is the progress +of recruiting or the novelty of war can hardly at this time avoid an +effect of having been delayed in the post. But all this would have +mattered little if Miss HUNT had chosen her aristocrats from persons in +whom it was possible to take more interest. But the plain fact is that +you never met so tedious a set. They are not witty; they are not even +wicked to any significant extent. They simply produce (at least in my +case) no effect whatever. Perhaps this may all be of intention; the +author may have meant to harrow us with the spectacle of our old +nobility expiring as nonentities. But in that case the picture +is manifestly unfair. And it is certainly dull--dull as the last +ditch-water. + + * * * * * + +In _America in France_ (MURRAY) Lieut. Col. FREDERICK PALMER, a member +of the Staff Corps of the United States Army, sets out to tell the story +of the making of an army. This is the first book by Colonel PALMER that +has come my way, but I find that he has written four others, all of +which I judge by their titles to be concerned with the War. Be that as +it may, I welcome _America in France_ both because it gives a narrative +of America's tremendous effort, and because the book is written with a +modesty which is very pleasing. America came to the job of fighting as a +learner. Her soldiers did not boast of what they were going to do, but +sat down solidly to learn, in order that she might be useful in the +fighting-line. How she achieved her purpose the world now knows. If any +fault is to be found with the author's style, it is that the limpidity +and evenness of its flow make great events less easy of distinction than +perhaps they might be; but most people will hail this as a merit rather +than a fault, and I agree with them. Colonel PALMER records the names of +the first three Americans who died fighting. The French General to whose +unit they were attached ordered a ceremonial parade and made a speech +in which he asked that the mortal remains of these young men be left in +France. "We will," he continued, "inscribe on their tombs, 'Here lie the +first soldiers of the United States to fall on the soil of France for +Justice and Liberty' ... Corporal Gresham, Private Enright, Private Hay, +in the name of France I thank you." As another matter of historical +interest it may be stated that the first shot of the War on the American +side was fired by Battery C of the 6th Field Artillery, "without waiting +on going into position at the time set. The men dragged a gun forward in +the early morning of October 23rd, and sent a shell at the enemy. There +was no particular target. The aim was in the general direction of +Berlin. The gun has been sent to West Point as a relic." + + * * * * * + +I must assume that _Such Stuff as Dreams_ (MURRAY) was written by C.E.W. +LAWRENCE with a purpose, but it remains obscure to me. A smart young +married clerk in the oil business falls off the top of a bus on to his +head and, from a confirmed materialist, becomes something not unlike a +confirmed lunatic, with a faculty for seeing flaming emanations which +enable him to place the owners of them in the true scale of human and +spiritual values. He discovers that his wife's uncle, a whimsical but +essentially tedious drunkard, is a better man than the egregious New +Religionist pastor--a discovery I made for myself without falling off +a bus. I was forced to the conclusion that these and equally dull, or +duller, folk must exist or have existed, and that it could not possibly +have been necessary to invent them. And if I am right then it obviously +needs a greater sympathy than I can command to do justice to this type +of narrative, with its presuppositions and inferences. Sir A. CONAN +DOYLE has much to answer for. + + * * * * * + +I do not remember the precise number of murders which occur in _Droonin' +Watter_ (ALLEN AND UNWIN), but readers of this sensational story can +accept my assurance that Mr. J.S. FLETCHER has a quick and decisive way +of meting out justice (or injustice) to his characters. In fact, from +the very start, when a man with a black patch over his eye walks into +Berwick-upon-Tweed and takes lodgings with _Mrs. Moneylaws_ (the mother +of the man who tells the tale), the pace is red-hot. It is easy enough +to discover improbabilities in such a yarn as this, but the only +important question is whether one wants to discover what happens in the +end, and I confess without a blush that I did want to follow Mr. J.S. +FLETCHER to the last page. Let me however beg him in his next book to +give the word "yon" a rest; four "yons" in eleven lines is a clear case +of overcrowding; and I invite the attention of the Limited Labour Party +to this scandal. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Young Sub (a very earnest pilgrim)._ "PLEASE SEND A +LARGE BUNCH OF ROSES TO THE ADDRESS ON THAT CARD AND CHARGE IT TO ME." + +_Florist._ "YES, SIR--AND YOUR NAME?" + +_Sub._ "OH, NEVER MIND MY NAME--SHE'LL UNDERSTAND."] + + * * * * * + + "Any owner whose dog shows signs of illness should be chained up + securely."--_Bradford Daily Argus_. + +And every other _Argus_ will say the same. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11429 *** |