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diff --git a/old/11425.txt b/old/11425.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7664bb2 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/11425.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2126 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, +Dec. 5, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Dec. 5, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 3, 2004 [eBook #11425] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 153, DEC. 5, 1917*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11425-h.htm or 11425-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/2/11425/11425-h/11425-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/4/2/11425/11425-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 153. + +DECEMBER 5, 1917. + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The announcement of Mr. Justice BRAY that bigamy is rampant at the +present time has been drawn to the notice of the FOOD-CONTROLLER, who +wishes it to be clearly understood that under no circumstances will +the head of a family be allowed a sugar ration for more than one wife. + + *** + +"I have in my possession," writes a correspondent of _The Evening +News_, "a loaf of bread made by my husband's mother in 1821." This +should dispose of the popular belief that nobody anticipated the War +except Mr. BLATCHFORD. + + *** + +Lug-worms are being sold at Deal for five shillings a score. They are +stated to form an agreeable substitute for macaroni. + + *** + +"In China," says _The Daily Express_, "a chicken can still be +purchased for sixpence." Intending purchasers should note, however, +that at present the return fare to Shanghai brings the total cost a +trifle in excess of the present London prices. + + *** + +A recent applicant to the Warwickshire Appeal Tribunal claimed that he +had captured the German shell-less egg trade. He denied that the enemy +had purposely allowed it to escape. + + *** + +A tramp charged at Kingston with begging was wearing three overcoats, +two coats, two pair of trousers and an enormous pair of boots. It +seems strange that this man should not have realised that he was in a +position to earn a handsome salary as a music-hall comedian. + + *** + +Owing to a cow straying on the line at Acton Bridge last week a goods +train was derailed. It seems that the unfortunate animal was not aware +that cow-catchers had been abolished. + + *** + +It is reported that the two thousand taxi-drivers still on strike have +decided to offer their services to Sir AUCKLAND GEDDES for munition +work. Suitable employment will be found for them in a high-expletive +factory. + + *** + +In New York a club has been started exclusively for golfers. The +others insisted on it. + + *** + +A notice exhibited in the window of a Bermondsey public-house bears +the words, "There is nothing like Government Ale." Agreed. + + *** + +"Shrimps," says a Southern Command Order, "should not be purchased +where a long train journey is involved." For soldiers, however, who +require this kind of diet little excursions to the seaside can always +be arranged for with the C.O. + + *** + +At Aberavon the other day the son of an interned German was bitten by +a dog which he had kicked by accident. The dog of course did not know +it was an accident. + + *** + +We are the first to record the fact that a dear old lady, the other +morning, went up to the Tank in Trafalgar Square and offered it a bun. + + *** + +We should like to deny the rumour that when he heard of Lord +ROTHERMERE's appointment to the Air Ministry Lord NORTHCLIFFE +muttered, "Alas! my poor brother." + + *** + +More bread is being eaten than ever, says the FOOD CONTROLLER. It +appears that the stuff is now eaten by itself, instead of being spread +thinly on butter, as in pre-war days. + + *** + +The largest telescope in the World has just been erected at the Mount +Wilson Observatory in California. Enthusiasts predict that the end of +the War will be clearly visible through it. + + *** + +Owing to scarcity of petrol several fire-brigades have had again to +resort to horses. In consequence people who have fires are requested +to place their orders at once, as they can only be dealt with in +strict rotation. + + *** + +The prisoner who escaped from the Manchester Assize Court, after being +sentenced to three years' imprisonment, has explained that he was just +pretending to be a German prisoner. + + *** + +An awkward situation has arisen through Mr. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW and +Mr. GEORGE MOORE having solved the Irish problem in the same week, as +one or the other of them is certain to claim the credit of having his +solution rejected. + + *** + +"Blasting" for tin is being carried on in an experimental station in +Cornwall. Similar operations are said to be used in searching for +sugar. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WE'LL NO GANG IN THERE, JOCK." + +"FOR WHY, DONAL'?" + +"MAN, IT'S GOT AN AWFU' GERRMAN-LIKE NAME, YON."] + + * * * * * + +A DAUGHTER OF LILITH. + + "Gentlewoman, with tame snake, wants quiet home, suburban family, + small garden; no others; no animals."--_Melbourne Argus_. + + * * * * * + + "Mrs. ---- wishes to recommend a boy (15) who has done well + in the pantry."--_Eastern Daily Press_. + +But would Sir ARTHUR YAPP approve? + + * * * * * + + "Will any generous soul save and buy up a young scholar, + foreign (British) aristocracy, by helping him in his first + struggle (legal profession)? acceptable only on returnable + condition."--_Manchester Guardian_. + +Before starting to save for the above purpose, we should like to know +more about this scion of the "foreign (British) aristocracy." We don't +want to find ourselves trading with the enemy. + + * * * * * + + "Canon ---- made a strong comment on the Proposal to use the + Ulley water for public consumption during his sermon on Sunday + morning."--_Provincial Paper_. + +The rev. gentleman cannot believe that his sermons are so dry as all +that. + + * * * * * + + "The undersigned begs to inform the public that a very superior + cow will be slaughtered on the 20th evening and exposed on the + morning of the 21st for sale."--_Madras Mail_. + +That ought to stop her swanking. + + * * * * * + + "CAMOUFLAGED ATTACK. + + "Paris, Thursday. + + "All the newspapers print long accounts of the new offensive, + under the heading, 'Great British Victory,' and all agree in + assigning the chief honours attack, and the new British method + of organ-attack, and the new British method of arganising the + offensive in secret."--_Provincial Paper_. + +And very well camouflaged, too. + + * * * * * + +LEAVES FROM A LONDON NOTE-BOOK. + +BY OUR MAN ABOUT TOWN. + +(WITH ACKNOWLEDGMENTS TO SOME OF OUR METROPOLITAN PENNY EVENING +PAPERS.) + +SUGAR CARDS. + +A highly-placed official tells me that the discovery that a number of +people move about from place to place, that servants sometimes leave +their situations, and that households are consequently liable to +variation in their personnel, is due to a very smart member of the +Sugar Commission, who will be suitably decorated. This discovery, on +the very eve of compulsory rationing in other commodities, will mean +an immense saving of national funds. Instead of billions, only a few +millions of cards will need to be destroyed--a very useful economy. + +A GREAT MAYFAIR EFFORT. + +The Mayfair Tableaux Association will shortly hold a Fancy Dress +Exhibition of Really Beautiful War-workers. The subjects represented +will range from CLEOPATRA to BOTTICELLI'S "Primavera," and from SALOME +to the Sistine Madonna. Preliminary photographs are about to appear +in the Society Press. The particular object of this great sacrifice +in the cause of charity has not yet been determined upon, but will be +announced in due course. + +THE SUBMARINE MENACE. + +No significance should be attached to recent statistics of torpedoed +ships in view of public announcements to the effect that the submarine +menace has been practically scotched. + +INTERNATIONAL BOLO. + +The British Parliamentary Branch of the International Bolo Club +indignantly deny that they have received a single pony, or any less +sum, from German sympathisers in support of Pacifist propaganda. +They generously recognise that Germany's economical straits are even +greater than ours, and they would not willingly, even for the sake +of a common cause, put a strain upon the resources of their German +friends. + +MAHENGE. + +The other day I consulted an old friend on the Imperial Staff as to +the pronunciation of Mahenge, the scene of our latest victory in East +Africa. From the evasive character of his reply I gathered that my +inquiry was of the nature of an indiscretion. + +THE CABINET AND THE "VICIOUS CIRCLE." + +Several members of the Cabinet--the one that doesn't meet--have +informed me of their conviction that, in the event of the War lasting +on into 1920, there is every prospect of establishing an elementary +co-ordination between the various Government departments. Meanwhile +they ask me to correct a confusion in the public mind by which the +"Vicious Circle" is regarded as a synonym for themselves. + +MANHOOD AND MORAL. + +Every day brings me a sheaf of correspondence in which I am asked to +give my opinion as to our prospects of victory in the near future. I +have one formula for reply. I refer my correspondents to a recurrent +paragraph in _The Times_ under the heading "News in Brief." It runs +as follows: "At the close of play yesterday in the billiard match of +16,000 points up, between Inman and Stevenson, at the Grand Hall, +Leicester Square, the scores were," etc., etc. After all, the deciding +features in the Great World-Struggle will be manhood and _moral_. + +TROTSKY'S PEACE OVERTURES. + +From private sources, which corroborate the information given to +the public, I hear that the Spanish Charge-d'Affaires at Petrograd +is the only member of the Diplomatic Corps in that capital who has +taken cognisance of TROTSKY'S overtures (which, of course, must be +distinguished from TSCHAIKOWSKY'S). I very much doubt if KING ALFONSO +had a hand in this, though he has more than once intimated to me his +desire for peace. + +LANSDOWNE AND LENIN. + +What with the aircraft strike at Coventry and the activities of Lord +LANSDOWNE, LENIN and others, this has been a great week for Pacifists +and Pro-Bosches. In Germany, where the Press has eagerly followed _The +Daily Telegraph_ in giving prominence to Lord LANSDOWNE'S views, it +is felt that our EX-FOREIGN SECRETARY ought to receive a step in the +peerage, with the title Duke of Lansdowne and Handsup. + +THE PREMIER ABROAD. + +In conversation with Mr. LLOYD GEORGE on the occasion of one of +his flying visits to England, I learned how much he regretted that +pressure of time prevented him while in Italy from running over to +Venice and ascending the restored Campanile. While in residence in +Paris, however, he had had the pleasure of renewing his acquaintance +with the Eiffel Tower. + +BROWNING AND SWINBURNE. + +During the dark hour of trial through which Italy has been passing, +my thoughts have often strayed to Asolo in the Trevisan, the scene +of _Pippa Passes_, by the late ROBERT BROWNING (whom I knew well). +"Italy, what of the night?" wrote my old friend SWINBURNE. "Morning's +at seven!" replies _Pippa_. Those brave words have heartened me a good +deal. + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +TO A DACHSHUND. + + [About the precise nationality of whose remote progenitor--whether + Danish, Flemish, or British through the old English Turnspit--the + writer will not stay to argue.] + + My faithful Peter, mount upon my knee, + And shame me with the patience of your eyes, + Till I for divers patriots that be + Humbly apologise. + + Not for the street-boy--him you had for years + And, knowing, make allowance for his ways, + If hoots of ignorance and stones and jeers + Martyr your latter days; + + But for such shoddy patriots as join + The street-boy's manners to a petty mind, + And dealing little in true-minted coin + Tender the baser kind. + + For instance, Smith (till lately Gruendelhorn), + Who meets you with your mistress all alone, + And growls a "German beast" with senseless scorn + In a (still) guttural tone. + + And Jones, who owes his mansion to the War + And loves to drown great luncheons in champagne, + But who, to prove he loves his England more, + Strikes at you with his cane. + + The while Miss Podsnap, who in dogs can brook + No name that smacks of Teuton, snatches up, + Lest you contaminate it with a look, + Her Pomeranian pup. + + Forgive them, Pete! We are not all well-bred, + Not all so wise, so sensible as you; + Not all our sires, for generations dead, + To British homes were true. + + Yet, prizing steadfast love and fealty, some + The gulf of their deficiencies may span, + And learn of you the virtues that become + An English gentleman. + + * * * * * + +We wish Russia wouldn't wash her dirty LENIN in public. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DAVID IN RHONDDALAND. + +DAVID. "I'M OFTEN AWAY FROM HOME. HOW DO I GET SUGAR?" + +THE MAD GROCER. "YOU DON'T; YOU FILL UP A FORM." + +DAVID. "BUT I _HAVE_ FILLED UP A FORM." + +THE MAD GROCER. "THEN YOU FILL UP ANOTHER FORM."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Friend_ (_to Cinema Commissionaire, who has received +notice_). "I'M SERPRISED YOU'RE LEAVIN'. I THOUGHT YOU WAS A FIXTURE +'ERE." + +_Commissionaire._ "IS ANYBODY A FIXTURE IN THESE TIMES? LOOK AT THE +TSAR OF RUSSIA, TINO, TIRPITZ, AND THE REST OF 'EM."] + + * * * * * + +MILLIE AND THE "KAYSER." + +Millie is a "daily help." Who it is that she helps--whether herself or +her employer--I am not in a position to say, for I am only temporarily +a lodger in the house where Millie helps, and she doesn't help me +much. But to-day I have made her hear and understand one whole +sentence. It is the first time during the six days that we have known +each other that I have conveyed anything to her except by graphic +gesticulation and grimace. + +I accepted the fact at the outset that my soft and seductive tones +could never penetrate Millie's stone-deafness. Only the loudest and +angriest remarks are audible to Millie, so I preserve an attitude of +silent facial amiability in all my relations with her. + +BALAAM could not have looked more surprised than did Millie this +evening when, in the act of clearing away my latest meal, she heard +me say, "Leave the matches." + +She stopped dead and looked at me over the tray of dirty crockery. Her +expression was not unfriendly. + +"But I got t' look after myself," she explained; "I'd be all done up +if I hadn't they matches in the morning to light the fire and all. You +wouldn't get no bath-water." + +"I want to smoke," I said obstinately. + +She kept her hand over the box of matches. She had not heard. I made +intelligent signs illustrative of the lighting of a cigarette. Millie +told me, in pure Cornish: + +"You can only get a box at a time now, and half-a-pound o' sugar I +gets when I shows my card, and they do say we won't get that--only +quarter soon. I'd like to get at that KAYSER! I'd smash him up, I +would!" She said this in the kindest, most benign way, with a smile +as nearly caressing as a smile without front teeth can be. "He'd +come short off if I got to him! And he deserves it, I'm sure," she +concluded, as she departed--with the matches.... + +A long walk over the Cornish cliffs in the gusty North wind from +the Atlantic had made me drowsy, and as I sat before the fire my +thoughts wandered from Russian politics and the Italian situation +to Millie--and the "KAYSER": Millie, who was short of stature and +round-backed, who showed her fifty-odd years unflinchingly to the +world; Millie with her felt slippers and her overall and coarse hands; +Millie, the possessor of a sugar-card--and the mighty War Lord, stern +and implacable, trying to subdue the world to his will. And Millie +only wished she could get near him to smash him up--"the KAYSER would +come short off."... + + * * * * * + +The lamp-lit cottage room faded; the sound of November winds and +swirling leaves outside died away. For a moment I peered through +a greyish-blue moving mist--it might have been cigarette smoke; +gradually I distinguished forms and colours beyond; then the fog +lifted and I looked upon an electrically-lighted room, with the +aspect of an office _de luxe_. There were telephones and file cases, +typewriters and all the appurtenances of business operations; the +furniture was massive and handsome, and carpets and hangings had every +appearance of magnificence and costliness. + +I knew without thought that this was the private room of WILHELM of +Prussia. He himself, standing with his back to the roaring log fire in +the deep grate, was too like the cartoons in the English papers to be +mistaken. The iron-grey hair and upturned moustache, the cold eyes and +sardonic mouth were all there "as per invoice." He was even wearing an +aggressively Prussian uniform, and kept his spiked helmet on his head +and his sword hanging at his side. + +The CROWN PRINCE was in evidence, disguised as a Death's Head Hussar, +and HINDENBURG was easily recognisable as he bristled with the nails +which the admiring populace had hammered into him; the rest of +the company were unknown to me. They were all engaged in a heated +discussion when suddenly there came a knock at the door, a knock +which, to me, was curiously familiar. + +During the silence that ensued Millie walked into the room. She was +still wearing her overall and felt slippers, and she had not waited +to put on a hat or even to straighten her hair. She came forward +unhesitatingly, with her short, shuffling steps and, disregarding the +furious demand of a Bavarian General as to who she was and how she +dared to enter there, she addressed herself to the KAISER himself. She +spoke in her normal tones, but to me there seemed something sinister +about them at this moment, and I noticed that in her right hand she +carried a coal-hammer. + +Now above all things Millie hated breaking coal and filling scuttles, +and I knew that she would not be carrying a coal-hammer without a very +special reason. Her words revealed it. + +"You, KAYSER, I've been wanting to get near you and smash you up, I +have. You've gone a bit too far, you have ... No sugar without a card, +and then only half-a-pound, and they do say it'll only be a quarter +soon. And _matches!_--only one box at a time, and _they_ don't strike, +and how's a body to light a fire at all?" + +With this she lifted her coal-hammer and brought it down with all +her force on the KAISER'S head. Involuntarily I flinched; it was a +terrible blow. + +Several Generals, their iron crosses jingling, rushed forward and +seized Millie, uttering guttural sounds of horror and indignation. +But the KAISER stood unmoved--yes, unmoved. Millie gaped at him. He +ordered his satellites to release her and, as they reluctantly did so, +Millie nodded her head at them. + +"You leave me where I'm to! He can take up his own part," she told +them. + +The KAISER addressed her sternly. + +"Presumptuous woman," he said, "it is not written that you shall be +the cause of my death. There is something much higher in store for +me. You deserve worse than death at my hands; but since you are from +England I will squeeze from you all the information I require and bend +you to my uses." + +All this was obviously wasted on Millie, who heard nothing. Having +waited politely until his lips stopped moving in speech, she again +cracked him on the head with the coal-hammer. + +The KAISER ignored this uncivil retort and spoke again. + +"You shall go back to your matchless country and tell them there that +we have plenty of matches in Germany; that we have kept on good terms +with Stockholm, and our matches are made in Sweden. We have all we +need to kindle every fire in hell. Now are you convinced that you are +beaten?" + +He was interrupted by another blow from the coal-hammer, which made +him bite his tongue, for Millie was becoming exasperated and put all +her strength into the stroke. The KAISER stepped back. + +"Poor fool! You are wasting your strength, even as HAIG wastes _his_ +in blow after blow on the Western front." + +But even as he uttered the lying boast he tottered and fell back +unconscious into the arms of LITTLE WILLIE. + +The Generals and Statesmen gathered round their stricken master, +gabbling purest Prussian. + +Millie appeared satisfied at last, although the CROWN PRINCE had +scarcely glanced at her, for she was not his type. She took advantage +of the commotion to procure two boxes of matches which had been thrown +carelessly on the table. These she bestowed mysteriously beneath her +overall. + +"He deserved it too!" she muttered contentedly as she hobbled to the +door; "and I don't believe so much about all his matches either. You +can only get two boxes at a time even here." With this reflection she +unostentatiously departed. + + * * * * * + +Again that familiar knock.... + +I was back in my little sitting-room in Cornwall and Millie entered +with my candle, which she put down on the table rather noisily. I +gave her the usual grin and nod of acknowledgment, and she wished me +good-night and went. + +In the tray of the candlestick there was a box of matches. I picked it +up and turned it over curiously. Could my dream have been true? Or was +it only a coincidence that in blatant red letters on that match-box +were the words:-- + +"MADE IN SWEDEN." + + * * * * * + + "Spokane (Washington), Monday. + + "Troops raided the I.W.W. headquarters and arrested James + Rowan (leader) and 21/2 others on the eve of threatened + disturbances."--_Toowoomba Gazette (Australia)_. + +Unfortunately in such cases half-measures are rarely successful. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sub_ (_to A.P.M., who has severely censured him for +being without gloves, wearing collar of wrong colour, etc._). "OH, BY +THE BY, SIR, HOW DO YOU LIKE THE WAY I DO MY HAIR?"] + + * * * * * + + "THE AUTUMN MEETING of the WISBECH LOCAL PEACE ASSOCIATION will be + held on WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 28th, 1917. + + "Being full moon, a good attendance is expected."--_Isle of + Ely Advertiser_. + +The Gothas would see that it was a peace-meeting and leave it alone. + + * * * * * + + "The tanks crossed the deep gulf of the Hindenburg main line, + pitching nose downwards as they drew their long bodies over + the parapets and rearing up again with their long forward + reach of body and heaving themselves on to the German paradise + beyond."--_Yorkshire Evening Post_. + +That is not what the Germans called it. + + * * * * * + + "IF CAMBRIA FALLS-- + + "The possibilities in the New Battle."--_Dublin Evening Herald_. + +No wonder Mr. LLOYD GEORGE hurried off to France. + + * * * * * + + "On the earth, the broken acres; In the heaven, a perfect + ground."--_The Canadian Churchman_. + +Of course Canada is before everything an agricultural country, and +we feel sure that BROWNING would be the last man to object to any +adaptation of his lines which would make them more suited to the needs +of the people and the times. + + * * * * * + +THEATRICAL CORRESPONDENCE + +SUPPLYING ONE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION, "WHY DOES A DRAMATIST GROW OLD +SOONER THAN ANYONE ELSE?" + +_From G. Sheridan Smith, author, to Sir James Benfield, +actor-manager._ + +Dear Sir,--Herewith I am forwarding a copy of an original three-act +comedy, entitled, _Men and Munitions_. As the interest is largely +topical I should he much obliged if you could let me have your verdict +upon it with as little delay as possible. + +Faithfully yours, + +G. SHERIDAN SMITH. + +_From the Same to his friend, Buskin Browne, actor._ + +Dear B.B.,--By this post I am sending my new comedy, _Men and +Munitions_, to your manager, whom I believe it should suit. If an +occasion served for you to put in a word about it without too much +trouble, I should be eternally grateful. + +Yours ever, G.S.S. + +_From Buskin Browne, in answer._ + +My Dear Man,--With all the pleasure in life. I fancy we're changing +our bill shortly, and, as farce is all the rage just now, I'll boom +your _Munition Mad_ directly I get a chance. Best of luck. + +Yours, BEE-BEE. + +_From G. Sheridan Smith, in reply. A telegram._ + +Thousand thanks play called men and munitions comedy not farce. + +_From the Same to the Same, six weeks later._ + +Dear B.B.,--I hate to trouble you, but as I've heard nothing yet from +the management about my comedy I am writing to ask if you can give me +any idea of Sir J.B.'s intentions regarding it. Did he say anything +that you dare repeat? + +Yours, G.S.S. + +_From Buskin Browne, in answer, a fortnight later._ + +Dear old Boy,--No chance as yet, as the chief has been away ill. +But he comes back on Saturday, when I will mention the farce to him +without fail. + +Yours "while this machine is to him," BEE-BEE. + +_From G. Sheridan Smith, to Sir James Benfield, a month later._ + +Dear Sir,--I was profoundly grieved to learn from a mutual friend +that you had been so long on the sick list. Now, however, that you +are at work again, and (I trust) fully restored to health, may I hope +for a verdict upon my comedy, _Men and Munitions_, at your earliest +convenience? + +With warmest congratulations, + +I am, Faithfully yours, + +G. SHERIDAN SMITH. + +_From Sir James Benfield's Secretary, in answer, a week later._ + +Dear Sir,--Sir James Benfield desires me to acknowledge your letter, +and to inform you that he has been away ill, and unable to attend to +any correspondence. + +Faithfully yours, + +BASIL VYNE-PETHERINGTON, + +Secretary. + +_From Buskin Browne to G. Sheridan Smith._ + +Dear old Man,--I heard unofficially last night that your farce has had +a quite top-hole report from the reader, and might be put on almost at +once. _Ca marche!_ Anything for me in it? + +B.B. + +_From Basil Vyne-Petherington to G. Sheridan Smith, by same post as +above._ + +Dear Sir,--In answer to your inquiry we can trace no record of +the receipt of any MS. from you. If you will kindly let me have +particulars, name of play, date when forwarded, etc., the matter +shall receive further attention. + +Faithfully yours, + +BASIL VYNE-PETHERINGTON, + +Secretary. + +_From G. Sheridan Smith, in answer. A telegram._ + +Men and munitions comedy fourteen weeks ago kindly wire reply paid. + +_Reply to above. A telegram._ + +No trace comedy entitled fourteen weeks suggest inquire post-office. + +_Reply to above_. + +Name of comedy men and munitions reply paid urgent. + +_Reply to above._ + +Your play returned last week. + +_Reply to above._ + +Nothing arrived here please look again. + +_From Basil Vyne-Petherington to G. Sheridan Smith._ + +Dear Sir,--In returning herewith your blank-verse tragedy, _Hadrian_, +I am desired by Sir James Benfield to thank you for kindly allowing +him the opportunity of reading it. + +Faithfully yours, + +BASIL VYNE-PETHERINGTON, + +Secretary. + +_From Buskin Browne to G. Sheridan Smith._ + +Dear old Boy,--The A.S.M. told me to-day that our backers won't look +at farce, though the chief simply loves yours. So I'm afraid we can +only say better luck next time. + +Yours disappointed, + +B.B. + +_From Basil Vyne-Petherington to G. Sheridan Smith, five weeks later._ + +Dear Sir,--Sir James Benfield has been interested to learn that you +have written a comedy of topical interest, called (he understands) +_The Munitioneer_. Should you care to forward it for his consideration +he would be pleased to read it, and, if suitable, to arrange for its +production at this theatre. + +Faithfully yours, + +BASIL VYNE-PETHERINGTON, + +Secretary. + +_From G. Sheridan Smith, in reply. A telegram._ + +Where did you get a name like that? + +_From Basil Vyne-Petherington, in final answer, a month later._ + +Sir,--I am requested by Sir James Benfield to state that he has been +compelled to make a rule never to send his autograph to strangers. + +Yours faithfully, + +BASIL VYNE-PETHERINGTON, + +Secretary. + + * * * * * + +WHITE MAGIC. + + Blind folk see the fairies, + Oh, better far than we, + Who miss the shining of their wings + Because our eyes are filled with things + We do not wish to see. + They need not seek enchantment + From solemn printed books, + For all about them as they go + The fairies flutter to and fro + With smiling, friendly looks. + + Deaf folk hear the fairies + However soft their song; + 'Tis we who lose the honey sound + Amid the clamour all around + That beats the whole day long. + But they with gentle faces + Sit quietly apart; + What room have they for sorrowing + While fairy minstrels sit and sing + Close to their listening heart? + +R.F. + + * * * * * + +Extract from a French account of the tanks in action in the battle for +Cambrai:-- + + "Les chars d'assaut curent aussi leur cri de guerre. Peu avant + l'attaque, le long de leur ligne courut un message repetant, en + le modifiant legerement, celui de Nelson a Trafalgar: + + "'L'Angleterre compte que chaque tank fera aujourd'hui son devoir + sacre.'"--_Havas_. + +We had often wondered what the French was for "Do your damnedest!" Now +we know. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GETTING AWAY FROM IT. + +CAPTAIN BROWN, HOME ON LEAVE AND VERY WAR-WEARY, DECIDES THAT AT ALL +COSTS HE WILL SPEND AN EVENING WHERE KHAKI IS NOT. + +HE HAS PLEASANT RECOLLECTIONS OF A VISIT, IN TIMES OF PEACE, TO A +DELIGHTFUL BOHEMIAN CLUB OF WHICH ROBINSON WAS A MEMBER. + +SO HE RINGS UP ROBINSON, WHO WILL BE DELIGHTED TO SEE HIM. + +BROWN EXPERIENCES A DISTINCT SHOCK ON MEETING ROBINSON, + +AND A STILL GREATER SHOCK ON ENTERING THE CLUB.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Head Waiter_. "SORRY, SAIR--CAN'T HELP IT. FULL UP! +NO ROOM FOR A LONG TIME. AFTER ALL, DERE IS A WAR ON."] + + * * * * * + +TO MY BUTCHER. + + O butcher, butcher of the bulbous eye, + That in hoarse accents bidst me "buy, buy, buy!" + Waving large hands suffused with brutish gore, + Have I not found thee evil to the core? + The greedy grocer grinds the face of me, + The baker trades on my necessity, + And from the milkman have I no surcease, + But thou art Plunder's perfect masterpiece. + These others are not always lost to shame; + My grocer, now--last week he let me claim + A pound of syrup--'twas a kindly deed + To help a fellow-townsman in his need, + Though harsh the price, and I was feign to crawl + About his feet ere I might buy at all. + But thou--although a myriad flocks may crop + By Sussex gorse or Cheviot's grassy top, + A myriad herds tumultuously snort + From Palos Verdes eastward to Del Norte, + Or where the fierce vaquero's bold bravado + Resounds about the Llano Estacado; + Though every abattoir works overtime + And every stall in Smithfield groans with prime + Cuts, from thy lips the ready lie falls pat, + How thou art sold clean out of this and that, + But will oblige me, just for old time's sake, + With half a shin bone or some hard flank steak; + Or (if with mutton I prefer to deck + My festive board) the scraggy end of neck. + And once, when goaded to a desperate stand, + I wrung a sirloin from thy grudging hand, + Did not thy boy, a cheeky little brute + With shifty eyes, mislay the thing _en route_, + Depositing at my address the bones + Intended for the dog of Mr. Jones? + + I sometimes think that never runs so thin + The milk as when it leaves the milkman's tin; + That every link the sausageman prepares + Harbours some wandering Towser unawares. + And Binns, the baker (whom a murrain seize!), + Immune from fraud's accustomed penalties, + Sells me a stuff compound of string and lead, + And has the nerve to name the substance bread. + But deafer far to the voice of conscience grown + The type that cuts me off a pound of bone + Wherefrom an ounce of fat forlornly drops, + And calls the thing two shillings' worth of chops; + More steeped in crime the heart that dares to fleece + My purse of eighteen-pence for one small piece + Of tripe, whereof, when times were not so hard, + The price was fourpence for the running yard! + + Wherefore I hate thee, butcher, and would pass + Untempted of thy viands. But, alas! + The spirit that essays in master flights + To sip the honey from Parnassus' heights, + That daily doth his Pegasus bestride + And keeps the War from spoiling on the side, + Fails to be fostered by the sensuous sprout + Or with horse carrots blow its waistcoat out. + So, though I loathe thee, butcher, I must buy + The tokens of thy heartless usury. + Yet oft I dream that in some life to come, + Where no sharp pangs assail the poet's tum, + Athwart high sunburnt plains I drive my plough, + Untouched by earth's gross appetites, and thou, + My ox, my beast, goest groaning at the tugs, + And do I spare thy feelings? No, by jugs! + With tireless lash I probe thy leaden feet, + And beat and beat and beat and beat and beat. + + ALGOL. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IF EVERYBODY HELPED. +Every bond you buy goes to tie up the Kaiser.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, November 26th_.--Rather a jolly day in the House of Commons. +It was pleasant to hear Lord WOLMER, ingenuous youth, explaining, on +behalf of the War Trade Department, that there was no danger of an +unusually large consignment of rubber bathing-caps finding their way +from Switzerland to the heads of German Fraueleins. To Colonel YATE +belongs the credit of pointing out that people do not bathe in +Switzerland in the winter. + +[Illustration: "Can't we go and have a steak somewhere?" Mr. WILL +THORNE.] + +Where Russia is concerned Mr. BALFOUR declines to be included among +the prophets; all he knows is that that unhappy country has not yet +evolved a Government with which he can negotiate. He was more explicit +regarding the German tale of a Privy Council in 1913, presided over +by the KING, at which Mr. ASQUITH and Lord KITCHENER conspired with +Sir EDWARD GREY and Lord MORLEY (whose "Reminiscences" are strangely +silent on the subject) to declare war upon Germany. Who after this +shall dare to say that the Germans have no imagination? + +Mr. WILL THORNE considers that compulsory rationing ought to be +postponed until the menus at the hotels and clubs are cut down to two +courses. Somebody ought to invite Mr. THORNE, who from his appearance +I should judge to have a healthy appetite, to partake of one of these +(alleged) Gargantuan feasts and see what he thinks of it. His comment +would probably be, "Can't we go and have a steak somewhere?" + +When is a leaflet not a leaflet? "When it is an election address," +says Sir GEORGE CAVE. At the same time he warned Mr. KING that if he +thought to get round the new regulations by embodying his peculiar +views in the form of electioneering literature he might still collide +with "Dora." The warning was surely superfluous. The last thing any +Pacifist M.P. wishes to do is to submit himself to the judgment of his +constituents. + +_Tuesday, November 27th_.--Mr. MACPHERSON'S statement that officers +with the Expeditionary Force are supplied with whisky at prices +varying from _3s. 6d_. to _6s_. a bottle may have horrified the +teetotalers, but has intensified the patriotic desire of some of our +Volunteers to share the hardships of these gallant fellows in the +trenches. + +There was another long-drawn-out duel between Mr. HOUSTON and Sir LEO +CHIOZZA MONEY on the subject of shipping freights. The House always +enjoys these encounters, although the opponents, like the toy +"wrestlers" of our youth, never get much "forrader." The Member for +West Toxteth has probably forgotten more about the shipping trade +than his opponent ever knew. But for all that Sir LEO keeps his end +up, though his assertion that the consumer would not benefit if the +Government charged "Blue-book rates" for ordinary cargo does not +convince everybody. But then everybody does not understand Blue-books. + +[Illustration: "Sir Leo keeps his end up." MR. HOUSTON. SIR LEO +CHIOZZA MONEY.] + +_Wednesday, November 28th_.--The Peers were surprised to hear from +Lord COURTNEY that he was not of the creed of the conscientious +objector. They had been under the impression that his public career +had been one long orgie of conscientious objection to everything that +did not emanate from his own capacious brain. Even his hat and his +waistcoat proclaim his defiance of conventional opinion. + +For weeks past the House of Commons has been invited to believe that +German "pill-boxes" were composed of British cement; and the case +seemed clear when a British officer wrote from Flanders the other +day that he had discovered in the German lines a label plainly +marked "Artificial Portland." Members were relieved to learn that +the label came from a Belgian factory taken over by the Germans. "If +those pill-boxes had really been made of our cement," said a Medway +representative, "we should be hammering at them still." + +_Thursday, November 29th_.--Question-time would be much more amusing +if Ministers and Members were more accomplished in the art of +repartee. A few are quick enough. When Mr. LEES SMITH complained that +one of his statements had been described by the FOREIGN SECRETARY as a +mare's nest Lord ROBERT CECIL swiftly replied that he did not remember +the incident, but had no doubt that if his right hon. friend used the +term it was justified. + +Under the Redistribution scheme as arranged by the Boundary +Commissioners the name West Birmingham would have disappeared from the +roll of constituencies. In graceful tribute to the memory of JOSEPH +CHAMBERLAIN the House unanimously agreed to its reinstatement. It also +changed the name of the Woodstock division to the Banbury division; +but the idea that this was done as a compliment to the junior Member +for the City of London is, I am told, erroneous. + + * * * * * + +"IN SUCH A QUESTIONABLE SHAPE." + + "This, of course, brings up the almighty question--Who wrote + Shapespeare?"--_Mr. George Moore in "The Observer_." + +A short answer to this almighty question is--Either Mr. GEORGE MOORE +or the writer who determined "to call a spade a spape." + + * * * * * + + "Cook-General, good (26), Wanted immediately, or by December 6th, + for three months, in Exeter. Wages 50s. per mouth."--_Express + and Echo (Exeter)_. + +We confidently hope that she has only one. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mother_. "GOOD GRACIOUS! THAT'S NOT YOUR NEW BEST HAT?" + +_Child_. "WELL, MOTHER, YOU KNOW I TOLD YOU WHEN WE GOT IT THAT IT +WOULDN'T WEAR WELL." + +_Mother_. "I DON'T REMEMBER YOUR SAYING SO." + +_Child_. "YES, MOTHER. SURELY YOU REMEMBER I SAID, 'THE FIRST TIME +THAT HAT'S SAT ON IT'S DONE FOR'?"] + + * * * * * + +BELIEVE ME OR BELIEVE ME NOT. + +Although he had been rendered absolutely dumb by shell-shock the +soldier was able to earn a little extra money by doing odd jobs. +But nothing could get his speech back. It was a very stubborn and +perplexing case. For eighteen months he had not succeeded in uttering +a word, though understanding everything that was said to him. All the +usual devices had failed; every kind of sudden surprise to startle +him into articulation had been attempted; electricity had been passed +through the muscles of the tongue and larynx; doctors had discussed +him with a volubility only equalled by his own silence. But he +remained dumb. It seemed hopeless. + +Last week the mistress of the house where he was mostly employed sent +him to the grocer's with, as usual, a slip of paper. The paper was +addressed to the grocer, and it said, "Please do your utmost to give +the bearer some sugar and tea. Even the smallest quantity will be +gratefully welcomed." + +Entering the shop the soldier laid the message on the counter, +prepared to wait patiently for the harassed tradesman to attend to +him. He had often been there before and knew what it meant; but on +this occasion the grocer instantly advanced to meet him, took the +paper smilingly and read it. + +"Certainly," he replied. "I suppose four pounds of each would be +enough to go on with?" + +"Four pounds!" said the soldier. "Strike me pink, she'd think herself +the Queen with four ounces!" + + * * * * * + +THINGS WE SHOULD LIKE TO SEE ILLUSTRATED. + +From a recent novel:-- + + "... Then the gong went, and she followed it into the + dining-room ..." + + * * * * * + + "Class A (fit for general service) is subdivided as + follows:--1--Men actually fit for general service in any theatre + in all respects. 2--Recruits who should be fit for A1 as soon as + trained. 3--Men who have previously served with an expeditionary + force who should be fit for L1 as soon as 'hardened.'"--_Scots + Paper_. + +They must be well worth it, even in a soft state. + + * * * * * + +MORE WAR ECONOMY. + + "BUTCHER.--Wanted, Second Hand."--_Manchester Evening News_. + + * * * * * + + "Southport. Mrs. ----, Homely Apts.; sea view; piano: + mod."--_Daily Paper_. + +We approve Mrs. ----'s candour about the piano, which accords with our +own experience in seaside boarding-houses. + + * * * * * + + "Germany recently began calling up Class 19120."--_Western Mail_. + +The end of the War may be in sight, but it still seems to be some +distance off. + + * * * * * + + "In districts where a number of shops were serving the same people + and streets, they would be asked to co-operate so that butcher, + baker and grocer would use the same vans. Traders who refused to + comply with the scheme would be dealt with."--_Evening Paper_. + +But surely such unpatriotic shopkeepers should not be dealt with. + + * * * * * + + "Lost, on or about September 30 last, a Gold Bar Brooch, with + chaste Scotch terrier in centre."--_Manchester Evening News_. + +We are glad to see that at least one of our dumb friends has not +been affected by the wave of bigamy that has been sweeping over the +country. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Old hand_ (_supplying desired information to new +arrival_). "THOSE THINGS UP THERE? OH, THEY'RE CANTEENS FOR THE +R.F.C."] + + * * * * * + +THE HUT. + +As ordered, we marched the Battery to B 35d 45.25. Reader, have you +ever lived in, or on, an unfurnished map-reference in Flanders? If +not, permit me to inform you that this group of letters and numerals +represented a mud-flat pocked with ancient shell-craters, through +which loafed an unwholesome stream under a bilious-looking sky. The +Junior Subaltern, fresh from home, asked where the billets were. We +could but bless his happy innocence and remind him that as Army Field +Artillery we were nobody's children, the orphan bravoes of the Western +Front, and that for us a bunch of map co-ordinates was considered +ample provision. + +The horses, having with proper pride sneered at the stream, were +silenced with their nosebags, and then we asked our cook what +about it? That dauntless artist in bully-beef promptly brought our +far-travelled mess-table into action in the open, and thus publicly we +sat round it on our valises and drank Vichy water until the novelty +palled. Then the rain began and the men once more united in wishing +themselves in Tennessee. + +The Captain was now driven from the bosom of the mess to find a Camp +Commandant, and to tell him, with the Major's compliments, that even +the personnel of Army Brigades were liable, in the words of the book, +to deteriorate rapidly if unprotected from damp. The officer, whom he +found lurking in a neighbouring Nissen hut, was tall and stately, but +admitted, under pressure, that to him was entrusted the stewardship +of our mud-flat and the adjacent camps, and that he could give us a +mess. Through the insistent drizzle this person, smiling now very +pleasantly, led us to a depressed wooden building that suggested +a derelict Noah's Ark with a sinister look about the windows. The +bad-tempered sky scowled between the planks of the roof; the querulous +wind whined up through the floor; rats backed snarling into the +corners on our entrance. + +"This is the place," said the C.C. "You'll soon make yourselves very +comfortable." + +That night I dreamed I was a "U" boat, and started up, snorting, to +find myself under a cascade, while the felt upon the roof banged and +rasped and flapped. It sounded as if the ark were trying to fly, but +found its wings rusty. At dawn we sent the Captain out, and refused +him breakfast till by some resource of ingenuity or crime he obtained +certain sausages of new felt. These our fearless batmen unrolled and +nailed upon the roof. After his porridge we pushed him out again with +a strong party under orders to carry the nearest R.E. dump by force +or fraud, and secure large quantities of timber, nails, canvas and, +if possible (the up-to-date R.E. dump secretes many unexpected +commodities), Turkey carpets, wall-paper, sofa-cushions and +bedroom-slippers. + +The batmen were sent out with a limbered cart, some smoke shell and +the total establishment of billhooks, and forbidden to return without +sufficient material for bedsteads, window-shutters, bookshelves and +chairs. By evening the place began to feel habitable, and the C.C., +when he looked in to borrow a horse, endeared himself to us all by +his obvious pleasure in our comparative comfort. We lent him the best +horse in the battery. + +The Major's batman devoted the following day to the construction of +a species of retiring-room at one end of the hut, wherein the modest +members of the mess might bathe and splash at ease. The remainder of +the servants went out armed and returned with (1) a zinc bath, (2) +a stove, (3) a cuckoo clock, (4) a large mirror, (5) a warming-pan. +"Once let us make a home for ourselves," we said, "and our energies +will be free to finish the War." We devoted every cunning worker in +the battery to this great end. Drill was abandoned, stables forgotten. +We installed bookshelves, bootjacks, a sideboard, hat racks, a dumb +waiter, a stand for the gramophone and a roll-top desk for the Major. +The walls were tapestried with canvas, hung with pictures, scalps, +and the various decorations won by members of the mess. The original +building, disreputable and hateful, was hidden and forgotten. + +And then the C.C. called again, and, after a minute and admiring +inspection of our abode, informed us that to his bitter sorrow he had +to turn us out; umteen battalions of infantry were coming in and had +to be accommodated--this being an infantry camp.... + +That night, as I walked about in the rain, I looked in at the open +door of our lost home. Two N.C.O.'s were sitting over our stove, lost, +lonely in the elongated emptiness; longing, I knew, to be with their +comrades bellowing in an adjacent hut. And so I understood and knew at +length how Camp Commandants manage the maintenance and improvement of +their domain. I devote myself now to warning the simple-hearted gunner +against unfurnished huts and the hospitality of Camp Commandants. +And some day I hope to be in a position to lend that particular C.C. +another horse. + + * * * * * + +PUNCH'S ROLL OF HONOUR. + +We deeply regret to learn that Lieutenant GEORGE L. BROWN, Loyal North +Lancashire Regiment, who contributed sketches to _Punch_ before the +War, has died of wounds. + +We are very glad to say that Captain A.W. LLOYD, Royal Fusiliers, is +making a good recovery from the severe wound which he received in East +Africa. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _She_. "OH, WAS THAT A BOMB?" + +_He_. "YES, I THINK IT WAS. BUT IF IT WAS AS NEAR AS IT SOUNDED IT +WOULD HAVE BEEN VERY MUCH LOUDER."] + + * * * * * + +MARGARINE. + +A HOUSEKEEPER'S PALINODE. + + MARGARINE--the prefix "oleo-" + Latterly has been effaced, + Though no doubt in many a folio + Of the grocer's ledger traced-- + + Once I arrogantly rated + You below the cheapest lard; + Once your "g" enunciated, + With pedantic rigour, hard. + + How your elements were blended + Naught I knew; but wild surmise + Hinted horrors that offended + Squeamish and fastidious eyes. + + Now this view, unjust, unfounded, + I recant with deep remorse, + Knowing you are not compounded + From the carcase of the horse. + + Still with glances far from genial + I beheld you, margarine, + And restricted you to menial + Services in my cuisine. + + Still I felt myself unable, + Though you helped to fry my fish, + To endure you at my table + Nestling in the butter-dish. + + _Now_ that I have clearly tracked your + Blameless progress from the nut, + I proclaim your manufacture + As a boon, without a "but." + + Now I trudge to streets far distant, + Humbly in your queue to stand, + Till the grocer's tired assistant + Dumps the packet in my hand. + + Though you lack the special savour + Of the product of the churn, + Still the difference in flavour + I'm beginning to unlearn. + + Thoughts of Devonshire or Dorset + From my mind have vanished quite, + Since the stern demands of war set + Limits to my appetite. + + Butter is of course delicious; + But when that is dear and scant + Welcome, margarine, nutritious + Palatable lubricant! + + * * * * * + + "The undersigned, who has just returned from the Front, begs to + inform the Public that he has opened a Barber's Shop on the + ground floor of Miss ----'s house in Great George Street, where + he is prepared to give CUTS in any style required."--_Dominion + Chronicle_. + +Well, his customers can't complain that they weren't warned. + + * * * * * + +TO HELP OUR OTHER ARMY. + +With all eyes so focussed on the great deeds of our men in France, in +Palestine and on the sea, there is a possibility of losing sight now +and then of the constant and devoted efforts of the women and girls +at home, without whose co-operation the War could not be successfully +waged at all. We are the debtors not only of the munition workers who, +in their hundreds of thousands, are toiling for victory, but of women +and girls in myriad other employments, which they have cheerfully +attacked and mastered; and any little thing that we can do for them +should, Mr. Punch holds, be done. A practical and very simple way +of adding to their happiness and well-being is to contribute a mite +to the funds of the Girls' Friendly Society, an organisation with +the finest traditions, which is doing its best to build rest and +recreation huts all over England, for the purpose of conserving the +health and spirits of our great feminine army. A moment's thought will +show how vitally and nationally important such help is. Contributions +should be sent to the Secretary, War Emergency Committee, Girls' +Friendly Society, 39, Victoria Street, S.W.1. + + * * * * * + +MY AUNT MATILDA. + +"It's too bad," said Francesca, "it really is. It'll spoil Christmas." + +"The question is," I said, "that this House do accept my Aunt +Matilda's invitation of herself to stay in it for an uncertain period +at or about Christmas. I think the Ayes have it." + +"The Noes have it," shouted Francesca. + +"Francesca," I said, "it's no use struggling, and you know it. We've +got to have Aunt Matilda, and there's an end of it." + +"There isn't an end of it at all. It's only just beginning, and it'll +go on getting worse and worse." + +"You do not seem to realise," I said, "what the possession of an aunt +like Aunt Matilda means. She is like all the aunts you've ever read +about in novels, only more so. She's so true to type that you can +hardly believe in her existence. To be related to her is to have a +Stake in the Country and to be part of the British Constitution, which +she ardently believes in without knowing anything about it. She's been +a widow for fifteen years, and--" + +"Poor old thing," said Francesca, "so she has." + +"--for fifteen solitary years she has battled against the world, +and managed her business affairs extraordinarily well; and yet she +believes that women are perfect fools, and pities them from the bottom +of her heart for being women." + +"As far as I'm concerned," said Francesca, "she may pity all the other +women if she'll only not pity me. If I have a headache she not only +pities me, but despises me as a weakling utterly unfitted to manage a +household. No, my dear, I can't face it. Your Aunt Matilda's too much +for me." + +"I admit," I said, "that she's a good deal." + +"And of course she'll bring her maid." + +"And her pug." + +"Whose name is 'MacLachlan,' and you mustn't call him 'Mac' because +it's disrespectful." + +"And the children won't be allowed to shout about the house when she +takes her nap. And of course they _will_ shout about the house, and +then there'll be trouble.". + +"And the children will be compared with other children who are much +better behaved." + +"It's a queer thing, but the children don't seem to mind her." + +"She bribes them with chocolates." + +"Well, she won't do it any more, because there are no chocolates in +the world. Chocolates are a luxury." + +"So's your aunt," said Francesca. "She's the biggest luxury I ever +heard of. She's rare--I might almost say unique. She's expensive, and +she can be done without. Obviously she's forbidden by the Defence of +the Realm Act. We shall be fined and imprisoned if we conceal her +here." + +"Well, you'd better sit down and tell her so, and get it off your +chest." + +"I suppose I must play the humbug." + +"Yes, do. She'll see through you all right, though." + +"Oh, I say," said Francesca, "there's a P.S. to her letter. She says +she's saved two pounds out of her sugar ration, and she's sending it +to us as a Christmas present. Isn't she an old topper?" + +"Yes," I said, "I forgive her everything. Is two pounds a lot?" + +"It's generally supposed to be just two pounds," said Francesca. + +R.C.L. + + * * * * * + +THE VENGEANCE. + + I never liked the man at Number Nine, + But now my breast is bursting with its wrongs, + For when we had a few old friends to dine + And crowned our feasting with some gentle songs, + Instead of simply drinking in the glamour, + The charm of it, he had the cheek to hammer + The party-wall with pokers and with tongs. + + Ah, me! that Art should suffer such disdain! + But what can one expect in time of war? + Mayhap our minstre'sy had given pain + To some tired patriot in bed next-door-- + Some weary soul that all day fashions fuses, + To whom his sleep is more than all the Muses-- + And so, for England's sake we sang no more. + + No longer now the hideous truth is hid: + _The man is nothing but a Pacifist_; + And, what is worse, he draws four hundred quid + For representing views which don't exist, + Although in Parliament, without his poker, + I'm glad to see they would not hear the croaker, + But when he talked they only howled and hissed. + + And now all Hammersmith with zeal prepares + To make a night of it when next we sing; + We shall not waste our soft romantic airs, + But the glad street with warlike strains shall ring + Of blood and armaments and Fritz's whacking, + And he shall hammer till the walls are cracking, + And the whole suburb joins us in "The King." + + A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +ONE OF THE CANNIBAL ISLANDS? + + "The unfrequented coral harbour was an ideal spot for this + operation. The 60 odd men and women on the Seeadler were + landed, and the natives, avid for change of diet, welcomed + them."--_The Times_. + + * * * * * + + "A distinctive uniform will be given the new Air Service when + the old is worn out, Major Baird announces."--_Daily Mail_. + +An officer in the R.F.C. writes to say that the old Air Service has no +intention of wearing out. + + * * * * * + + "The coroner said people would be wise to carry electric torches + or newspapers, and ladies should wear something white--a pocket + handkerchief would be better than nothing."--_Sunday Observer_. + +Certainly "better than nothing," but a newspaper would make a more +showy costume. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW LANGUAGE. _Tommy_ (_to inquisitive French +children_). "NAH, THEN, ALLEY TOOT SWEET, AN' THE TOOTER THE +SWEETER!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS_.) + +At this date "The Junior Sub" fortunately needs no introduction to a +public that has long gathered him and his to its appreciative heart. I +should not like to guess how many people read and enjoyed _The First +Hundred Thousand_; they all, and more, will delight in the appearance +of _Carrying On_ (BLACKWOOD), in which the exploits of the famous +regiment, of _Major Wagstaffe_ and _Captain Bobby Little_ and the rest +of them are continued. What the precise war position of IAN HAY may be +by now I am unaware, but I should emphatically suggest his appointment +to the post of Official Cheerer-Up. Perhaps (how shall I put it?) the +eye-pieces of the writer's mask are a trifle too rose-coloured for +strict realism; great-hearted gentlemen as we know our heroes to be, +are they always quite so merry and bright as here? One can but hope +so. In any case, as special propaganda on the part of the O.C.U., the +stories could hardly be bettered. One, called "The Push that Failed," +I would order to be read aloud to the workers in every munition +factory in the land; its heartening tale of how the British people +had, to the paralysed astonishment of Brother Bosch, "delivered the +goods" to such effect that his projected spectacular attack under the +eyes of WILLIAM the Worst was smashed before it began, is of a kind to +strengthen the most weary arm. While I was yet upon the final page the +bells in a famous abbey tower close by broke into grateful clamour for +the news of victory. But IAN HAY does not wait on victory; he has his +joy-bells ringing always in our hearts. + + * * * * * + +_The Tree of Heaven_ (CASSELL) spread its friendly branches over a +pleasant corner of a roomy Hampstead garden. Matter-of-fact _Anthony_, +the timber merchant, always would insist that it was a mere common +ash; but the others, _Frances_, and the children, _Dorothy, Michael, +Nicky_ and adopted _Veronica_, knew better, as also, no doubt, did +_Jane-Pussy_ and her little son, _Jerry_, who was _Nicky's_ most +especial pal. Miss MAY SINCLAIR, without being a conscienceless +sentimentalist, does us the fine service of reminding us that the +world of men is not all drab ugliness, but that there are beautiful +human relationships and unselfish characters, and wholesome training +which justifies itself in the day of trial. She divides her charming +chronicle into three parts--Peace, The Vortex, and Victory. The +first deals with the childhood of the happy brood of _Anthony_ and +_Frances_, delicate studies subtly differentiated. Even the little +cats have their astonishing individuality, and I don't envy anyone +who can read of _Jerry's_ death and _Nicky's_ grief without a gulp. +The Vortex is--no, not the War; that comes later--but the trials of +a world which tests adolescence, a world of suffrage rebellions, +of Futuristic art and morals. Then the real vortex of the War, the +Victory which means ready (or difficult, unready) sacrifice and death +for the boys and their friends and as great a sacrifice and as cruel a +thing as death for the others, the women and the elders.... A novel, +which is much more than a novel, packed with beauty and sincerity, +setting forth its tragedy without false glamour or shallow +consolations. + + * * * * * + +Since it is natural to expect that a much-heralded book will fail, +when it does eventually appear, to fulfil the promise of its +publishers, it is the more pleasant to find oneself agreeing with +Messrs. HODDER AND STOUGHTON that bashfulness on their part would have +been out of place in regard to Mr. JAMES W. GERARD'S memoirs, _My Four +Years in Germany_. As read in their completed and collected form these +papers are not only, as one could foresee, of historic importance, +but they are moreover capital reading. There is a world of unaffected +geniality and humour about them that forms a most admirable complement +to such serious matters as the protracted negotiations over the U-boat +campaign, or the now famous incriminating telegram addressed by the +ALL-HIGHEST to President WILSON in the days before the Huns had quite +decided with what lies to defend the indefensible. This document is +reproduced in facsimile as the egregious sender of telegrams wrote it +for Mr. GERARD to transmit, and is one link more in the thrice-forged +chain of evidence. But even stronger witness to German guilt is to be +found in the series of minor corroborations appearing incidentally in +the course of Mr. GERARD'S narrative, whether the author is pretending +to be in awe of Prussian Court Etiquette, or openly laughing at the +Orders of the Many Coloured Eagles, or simply detailing his work at +Ruhleben and the other prison camps. His devotion there has earned a +gratitude throughout this country that it would be mere presumption to +try to put into words. + + * * * * * + +Those of us who have loitered with Mr. DE VERE STACPOOLE by blue +lagoons and silent pools know that he is a master of atmosphere, and +so he proves himself again in _The Starlit Garden_ (HUTCHINSON), +though it takes him some time to get there. When a young American +finds himself the guardian of an Irish flapper--a distant +relation--and comes over to take her back with him to the States, it +does not require much perspicacity to guess what will happen. _Phyl +Berknowles_ strongly objects to the intrusion of _Richard Pinckney_ +into the glorious muddle of her Irish menage, and irritates him so +successfully that he returns in a considerable tantrum to America, +leaving her with some friends in Dublin. So far the tale is lively +enough, but not until _Phyl_ feels the call of her blood and goes to +stay with her relatives in Charleston does the author find scope for +his peculiar charm. Then we get a most delightful picture of a starlit +garden in the south of America, where _Phyl's_ experiences, without +placing a tiresome strain upon our powers of belief, produce a +sensation at once romantic and unusual. Memories of the past hang +over this garden, and although Mr. STACPOOLE'S attempt to reconcile +the period of which he writes with the years that are gone is not +uniformly successful I am cordially glad that he made it. + + * * * * * + +The publishers of Mrs. ALICE PERRIN'S new volume, _Tales that are +Told_ (SKEFFINGTON), appear to be anxious that the public should have +no hesitations on the score of measure supplied, as they explain that +the chief of the tales is "a short novel of over 20,000 words." I am +content to take their word for the figure, but I agree that they were +well advised to focus attention upon "Gift of God," which, whatever +its length, is an admirable and distinguished piece of writing. The +subject of it is the old question of mixed-marriage, but treated from +a new aspect. _Kudah Bux_ (the Gift in question) is the son of an +adoring Mohamedan father; he goes to England for education in the law, +and there falls in love with and marries the brainless daughter of a +London landlady. He is a very human and appealing figure. The debacle +that follows his return to India with so impossible a bride is told +in a way that convinces. Here Mrs. PERRIN is at her best. Some of the +shorter tales also succeed very happily in conveying that peculiar +Simla-by-South-Kensington atmosphere of retired Anglo-Indian society +which she suggests with such intimate understanding. But, to be +honest, the others (with the exception of one quaint little comedy +of a canine ghost) are but indifferent stuff, too full of snakes and +hidden treasure and general tawdriness--the kind of Orientalism, +in fact, that one used to associate chiefly with the Earl's Court +Exhibition. Mrs. PERRIN must not mingle her genuine native goods with +such Brummagem ware. + + * * * * * + +My idea is that when Mr. H.C. BAILEY called his latest story _The +Young Lovers_ (METHUEN) he was doing it something less than justice. +For the width and variety of the plot make it far more than a mere +love-tale. _Arma virique_ are quite as much Mr. BAILEY'S theme as +Cupid, who indeed makes a rather belated appearance at the tag end. +Before that we have a vast deal of agreeable adventuring. The scene is +set in the period of the Peninsular War; all the characters, lovers, +parents and hangers-on, are more or less involved in the fluctuating +fortunes of my Lord WELLINGTON. There are spies of both sides, +intrigues, abductions and what not. Mr. BAILEY has a pretty touch +for such matters; his people move with an air; and, if at times their +speech seems a trifle over-burnished, dulness is far from them. +Moreover, the incidents of the campaign give scope for some vivid +descriptions of war and battles, as such were in the old days before +Mars put off his gold lace and sacrificed the picturesque. Sometimes, +on the other hand, it is the similarity of conditions then and now +that will strike you. For example, the passage telling how, despite +apparent inactivity and home prognostications of stalemate, the +confidence of the Army grew from day to day--impossible not to see the +very obvious parallel there. In fine, Mr. BAILEY has given us another +brisk and engaging romance, which, if it is not quite the kind you +might expect from its title, is something a good deal better worth +reading. + + * * * * * + + "Fort Worth, Texas.--Poolville, Parker county, near here, has + raised $1,246.50 as a reward for the delivery of the German + emperor into the hands of the American authorities."--_Buffalo + Courier_. + +On reading this item HINDENBURG is reported to have said that if +Poolville would make it even money he would think about it. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A HITHERTO UNPUBLISHED INCIDENT IN THE HISTORY OF +ANCIENT ROME. SEQUEL TO THE WARNING GIVEN BY THE PATRIOTIC GEESE.] + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +153, DEC. 5, 1917*** + + +******* This file should be named 11425.txt or 11425.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/1/4/2/11425 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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