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diff --git a/11425-h/11425-h.htm b/11425-h/11425-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3f73d0c --- /dev/null +++ b/11425-h/11425-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2237 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Dec. 5, 1917, by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + + .footnote {font-size: 0.9em; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 10%;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11425 ***</div> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, +Dec. 5, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen</h1> +<br /> +<br /> +<center><b>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</b></center> +<br /> +<br /> + <hr class="full" /> + <br /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 153.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>December 5, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page375" + id="page375"></a>[pg 375]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>The announcement of Mr. Justice BRAY that bigamy is rampant + at the present time has been drawn to the notice of the + FOOD-CONTROLLER, who wishes it to be clearly understood that + under no circumstances will the head of a family be allowed a + sugar ration for more than one wife.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"I have in my possession," writes a correspondent of <i>The + Evening News</i>, "a loaf of bread made by my husband's mother + in 1821." This should dispose of the popular belief that nobody + anticipated the War except Mr. BLATCHFORD.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Lug-worms are being sold at Deal for five shillings a score. + They are stated to form an agreeable substitute for + macaroni.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"In China," says <i>The Daily Express</i>, "a chicken can + still be purchased for sixpence." Intending purchasers should + note, however, that at present the return fare to Shanghai + brings the total cost a trifle in excess of the present London + prices.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A recent applicant to the Warwickshire Appeal Tribunal + claimed that he had captured the German shell-less egg trade. + He denied that the enemy had purposely allowed it to + escape.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A tramp charged at Kingston with begging was wearing three + overcoats, two coats, two pair of trousers and an enormous pair + of boots. It seems strange that this man should not have + realised that he was in a position to earn a handsome salary as + a music-hall comedian.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Owing to a cow straying on the line at Acton Bridge last + week a goods train was derailed. It seems that the unfortunate + animal was not aware that cow-catchers had been abolished.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is reported that the two thousand taxi-drivers still on + strike have decided to offer their services to Sir AUCKLAND + GEDDES for munition work. Suitable employment will be found for + them in a high-expletive factory.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In New York a club has been started exclusively for golfers. + The others insisted on it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A notice exhibited in the window of a Bermondsey + public-house bears the words, "There is nothing like Government + Ale." Agreed.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Shrimps," says a Southern Command Order, "should not be + purchased where a long train journey is involved." For + soldiers, however, who require this kind of diet little + excursions to the seaside can always be arranged for with the + C.O.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>At Aberavon the other day the son of an interned German was + bitten by a dog which he had kicked by accident. The dog of + course did not know it was an accident.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We are the first to record the fact that a dear old lady, + the other morning, went up to the Tank in Trafalgar Square and + offered it a bun.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We should like to deny the rumour that when he heard of Lord + ROTHERMERE's appointment to the Air Ministry Lord NORTHCLIFFE + muttered, "Alas! my poor brother."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>More bread is being eaten than ever, says the FOOD + CONTROLLER. It appears that the stuff is now eaten by itself, + instead of being spread thinly on butter, as in pre-war + days.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The largest telescope in the World has just been erected at + the Mount Wilson Observatory in California. Enthusiasts predict + that the end of the War will be clearly visible through it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Owing to scarcity of petrol several fire-brigades have had + again to resort to horses. In consequence people who have fires + are requested to place their orders at once, as they can only + be dealt with in strict rotation.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The prisoner who escaped from the Manchester Assize Court, + after being sentenced to three years' imprisonment, has + explained that he was just pretending to be a German + prisoner.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>An awkward situation has arisen through Mr. GEORGE BERNARD + SHAW and Mr. GEORGE MOORE having solved the Irish problem in + the same week, as one or the other of them is certain to claim + the credit of having his solution rejected.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Blasting" for tin is being carried on in an experimental + station in Cornwall. Similar operations are said to be used in + searching for sugar.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/375.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/375.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p>"WE'LL NO GANG IN THERE, JOCK."</p> + + <p>"FOR WHY, DONAL'?"</p> + + <p>"MAN, IT'S GOT AN AWFU' GERRMAN-LIKE NAME, YON."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>A Daughter of Lilith.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Gentlewoman, with tame snake, wants quiet home, + suburban family, small garden; no others; no + animals."—<i>Melbourne Argus</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Mrs. —— wishes to recommend a boy (15) who + has done well in the pantry."—<i>Eastern Daily + Press</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>But would Sir ARTHUR YAPP approve?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Will any generous soul save and buy up a young scholar, + foreign (British) aristocracy, by helping him in his first + struggle (legal profession)? acceptable only on returnable + condition."—<i>Manchester Guardian</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Before starting to save for the above purpose, we should + like to know more about this scion of the "foreign (British) + aristocracy." We don't want to find ourselves trading with the + enemy.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Canon —— made a strong comment on the + Proposal to use the Ulley water for public consumption + during his sermon on Sunday morning."—<i>Provincial + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The rev. gentleman cannot believe that his sermons are so + dry as all that.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The undersigned begs to inform the public that a very + superior cow will be slaughtered on the 20th evening and + exposed on the morning of the 21st for + sale."—<i>Madras Mail</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>That ought to stop her swanking.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"CAMOUFLAGED ATTACK.</p> + + <p>"Paris, Thursday.</p> + + <p>"All the newspapers print long accounts of the new + offensive, under the heading, 'Great British Victory,' and + all agree in assigning the chief honours attack, and the + new British method of organ-attack, and the new British + method of arganising the offensive in + secret."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>And very well camouflaged, too.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page376" + id="page376"></a>[pg 376]</span> + + <h2>LEAVES FROM A LONDON NOTE-BOOK.</h2> + + <h3>BY OUR MAN ABOUT TOWN.</h3> + + <h4>(With acknowledgments to some of our Metropolitan penny + evening papers.)</h4> + + <p><b>Sugar Cards.</b></p> + + <p>A highly-placed official tells me that the discovery that a + number of people move about from place to place, that servants + sometimes leave their situations, and that households are + consequently liable to variation in their personnel, is due to + a very smart member of the Sugar Commission, who will be + suitably decorated. This discovery, on the very eve of + compulsory rationing in other commodities, will mean an immense + saving of national funds. Instead of billions, only a few + millions of cards will need to be destroyed—a very useful + economy.</p> + + <p><b>A Great Mayfair Effort.</b></p> + + <p>The Mayfair Tableaux Association will shortly hold a Fancy + Dress Exhibition of Really Beautiful War-workers. The subjects + represented will range from CLEOPATRA to BOTTICELLI'S + "Primavera," and from SALOME to the Sistine Madonna. + Preliminary photographs are about to appear in the Society + Press. The particular object of this great sacrifice in the + cause of charity has not yet been determined upon, but will be + announced in due course.</p> + + <p><b>The Submarine Menace.</b></p> + + <p>No significance should be attached to recent statistics of + torpedoed ships in view of public announcements to the effect + that the submarine menace has been practically scotched.</p> + + <p><b>International Bolo.</b></p> + + <p>The British Parliamentary Branch of the International Bolo + Club indignantly deny that they have received a single pony, or + any less sum, from German sympathisers in support of Pacifist + propaganda. They generously recognise that Germany's economical + straits are even greater than ours, and they would not + willingly, even for the sake of a common cause, put a strain + upon the resources of their German friends.</p> + + <p><b>Mahenge.</b></p> + + <p>The other day I consulted an old friend on the Imperial + Staff as to the pronunciation of Mahenge, the scene of our + latest victory in East Africa. From the evasive character of + his reply I gathered that my inquiry was of the nature of an + indiscretion.</p> + + <p><b>The Cabinet and the "Vicious Circle."</b></p> + + <p>Several members of the Cabinet—the one that doesn't + meet—have informed me of their conviction that, in the + event of the War lasting on into 1920, there is every prospect + of establishing an elementary co-ordination between the various + Government departments. Meanwhile they ask me to correct a + confusion in the public mind by which the "Vicious Circle" is + regarded as a synonym for themselves.</p> + + <p><b>Manhood and Moral.</b></p> + + <p>Every day brings me a sheaf of correspondence in which I am + asked to give my opinion as to our prospects of victory in the + near future. I have one formula for reply. I refer my + correspondents to a recurrent paragraph in <i>The Times</i> + under the heading "News in Brief." It runs as follows: "At the + close of play yesterday in the billiard match of 16,000 points + up, between Inman and Stevenson, at the Grand Hall, Leicester + Square, the scores were," etc., etc. After all, the deciding + features in the Great World-Struggle will be manhood and + <i>moral</i>.</p> + + <p><b>Trotsky's Peace Overtures.</b></p> + + <p>From private sources, which corroborate the information + given to the public, I hear that the Spanish + Chargé-d'Affaires at Petrograd is the only member of the + Diplomatic Corps in that capital who has taken cognisance of + TROTSKY'S overtures (which, of course, must be distinguished + from TSCHAIKOWSKY'S). I very much doubt if KING ALFONSO had a + hand in this, though he has more than once intimated to me his + desire for peace.</p> + + <p><b>Lansdowne and Lenin.</b></p> + + <p>What with the aircraft strike at Coventry and the activities + of Lord LANSDOWNE, LENIN and others, this has been a great week + for Pacifists and Pro-Bosches. In Germany, where the Press has + eagerly followed <i>The Daily Telegraph</i> in giving + prominence to Lord LANSDOWNE'S views, it is felt that our + EX-FOREIGN SECRETARY ought to receive a step in the peerage, + with the title Duke of Lansdowne and Handsup.</p> + + <p><b>The Premier Abroad.</b></p> + + <p>In conversation with Mr. LLOYD GEORGE on the occasion of one + of his flying visits to England, I learned how much he + regretted that pressure of time prevented him while in Italy + from running over to Venice and ascending the restored + Campanile. While in residence in Paris, however, he had had the + pleasure of renewing his acquaintance with the Eiffel + Tower.</p> + + <p><b>Browning and Swinburne.</b></p> + + <p>During the dark hour of trial through which Italy has been + passing, my thoughts have often strayed to Asolo in the + Trevisan, the scene of <i>Pippa Passes</i>, by the late ROBERT + BROWNING (whom I knew well). "Italy, what of the night?" wrote + my old friend SWINBURNE. "Morning's at seven!" replies + <i>Pippa</i>. Those brave words have heartened me a good + deal.</p> + + <p>O.S.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>TO A DACHSHUND.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[About the precise nationality of whose remote + progenitor—whether Danish, Flemish, or British + through the old English Turnspit—the writer will not + stay to argue.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My faithful Peter, mount upon my knee,</p> + + <p class="i2">And shame me with the patience of your + eyes,</p> + + <p>Till I for divers patriots that be</p> + + <p class="i4">Humbly apologise.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Not for the street-boy—him you had for + years</p> + + <p class="i2">And, knowing, make allowance for his + ways,</p> + + <p>If hoots of ignorance and stones and jeers</p> + + <p class="i4">Martyr your latter days;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But for such shoddy patriots as join</p> + + <p class="i2">The street-boy's manners to a petty + mind,</p> + + <p>And dealing little in true-minted coin</p> + + <p class="i4">Tender the baser kind.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For instance, Smith (till lately + Gründelhorn),</p> + + <p class="i2">Who meets you with your mistress all + alone,</p> + + <p>And growls a "German beast" with senseless scorn</p> + + <p class="i4">In a (still) guttural tone.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And Jones, who owes his mansion to the War</p> + + <p class="i2">And loves to drown great luncheons in + champagne,</p> + + <p>But who, to prove he loves his England more,</p> + + <p class="i4">Strikes at you with his cane.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The while Miss Podsnap, who in dogs can brook</p> + + <p class="i2">No name that smacks of Teuton, snatches + up,</p> + + <p>Lest you contaminate it with a look,</p> + + <p class="i4">Her Pomeranian pup.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Forgive them, Pete! We are not all well-bred,</p> + + <p class="i2">Not all so wise, so sensible as you;</p> + + <p>Not all our sires, for generations dead,</p> + + <p class="i4">To British homes were true.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yet, prizing steadfast love and fealty, some</p> + + <p class="i2">The gulf of their deficiencies may + span,</p> + + <p>And learn of you the virtues that become</p> + + <p class="i4">An English gentleman.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>We wish Russia wouldn't wash her dirty LENIN in public.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page377" + id="page377"></a>[pg 377]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/377.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/377.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>DAVID IN RHONDDALAND.</h3> + + <p>DAVID. "I'M OFTEN AWAY FROM HOME. HOW DO I GET + SUGAR?"</p> + + <p>THE MAD GROCER. "YOU DON'T; YOU FILL UP A FORM."</p> + + <p>DAVID. "BUT I <i>HAVE</i> FILLED UP A FORM."</p> + + <p>THE MAD GROCER. "THEN YOU FILL UP ANOTHER FORM."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page378" + id="page378"></a>[pg 378]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/378.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/378.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Friend</i> (<i>to Cinema Commissionaire, who has + received notice</i>). "I'M SERPRISED YOU'RE LEAVIN'. I + THOUGHT YOU WAS A FIXTURE 'ERE."</p> + + <p><i>Commissionaire.</i> "IS ANYBODY A FIXTURE IN THESE + TIMES? LOOK AT THE TSAR OF RUSSIA, TINO, TIRPITZ, AND THE + REST OF 'EM."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>MILLIE AND THE "KAYSER."</h2> + + <p>Millie is a "daily help." Who it is that she + helps—whether herself or her employer—I am not in a + position to say, for I am only temporarily a lodger in the + house where Millie helps, and she doesn't help me much. But + to-day I have made her hear and understand one whole sentence. + It is the first time during the six days that we have known + each other that I have conveyed anything to her except by + graphic gesticulation and grimace.</p> + + <p>I accepted the fact at the outset that my soft and seductive + tones could never penetrate Millie's stone-deafness. Only the + loudest and angriest remarks are audible to Millie, so I + preserve an attitude of silent facial amiability in all my + relations with her.</p> + + <p>BALAAM could not have looked more surprised than did Millie + this evening when, in the act of clearing away my latest meal, + she heard me say, "Leave the matches."</p> + + <p>She stopped dead and looked at me over the tray of dirty + crockery. Her expression was not unfriendly.</p> + + <p>"But I got t' look after myself," she explained; "I'd be all + done up if I hadn't they matches in the morning to light the + fire and all. You wouldn't get no bath-water."</p> + + <p>"I want to smoke," I said obstinately.</p> + + <p>She kept her hand over the box of matches. She had not + heard. I made intelligent signs illustrative of the lighting of + a cigarette. Millie told me, in pure Cornish:</p> + + <p>"You can only get a box at a time now, and half-a-pound o' + sugar I gets when I shows my card, and they do say we won't get + that—only quarter soon. I'd like to get at that KAYSER! + I'd smash him up, I would!" She said this in the kindest, most + benign way, with a smile as nearly caressing as a smile without + front teeth can be. "He'd come short off if I got to him! And + he deserves it, I'm sure," she concluded, as she + departed—with the matches....</p> + + <p>A long walk over the Cornish cliffs in the gusty North wind + from the Atlantic had made me drowsy, and as I sat before the + fire my thoughts wandered from Russian politics and the Italian + situation to Millie—and the "KAYSER": Millie, who was + short of stature and round-backed, who showed her fifty-odd + years unflinchingly to the world; Millie with her felt slippers + and her overall and coarse hands; Millie, the possessor of a + sugar-card—and the mighty War Lord, stern and implacable, + trying to subdue the world to his will. And Millie only wished + she could get near him to smash him up—"the KAYSER would + come short off."...</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The lamp-lit cottage room faded; the sound of November winds + and swirling leaves outside died away. For a moment I peered + through a greyish-blue moving mist—it might have been + cigarette smoke; gradually I distinguished forms and colours + beyond; then the fog lifted and I looked upon an + electrically-lighted room, with the aspect of an office <i>de + luxe</i>. There were telephones and file cases, typewriters and + all the appurtenances of business operations; the furniture was + massive and handsome, and carpets and hangings had every + appearance of magnificence and costliness.</p> + + <p>I knew without thought that this was the private room of + WILHELM of Prussia. He himself, standing with his back to the + roaring log fire in the deep grate, was too like the cartoons + in the English papers to be mistaken. The iron-grey hair and + upturned moustache, the cold eyes and sardonic mouth were all + there "as per invoice." He was even wearing an aggressively + Prussian uniform, and kept his spiked helmet on his head and + his sword hanging at his side.</p> + + <p>The CROWN PRINCE was in evidence, disguised as a Death's + Head Hussar, and HINDENBURG was easily recognisable as he + bristled with the nails which the admiring populace had + hammered into him; the rest of the company were unknown to me. + They were all engaged in a heated discussion when suddenly + there came a knock at the door, a knock which, to me, was + curiously familiar.</p> + + <p>During the silence that ensued Millie walked into the room. + She was still wearing her overall and felt slippers, and she + had not waited to put on a hat or even to straighten her hair. + She came forward unhesitatingly, with her short, shuffling + steps and, disregarding the furious demand of a Bavarian + General as to who she was and how she dared to enter there, she + addressed herself to the KAISER himself. She spoke in her + normal tones, but to me there seemed something sinister about + them at this moment, and I noticed that in her right hand she + carried a coal-hammer.</p> + + <p>Now above all things Millie hated breaking coal and filling + scuttles, and I knew that she would not be carrying a + coal-hammer without a very special reason. Her words revealed + it.</p> + + <p>"You, KAYSER, I've been wanting to get near you and smash + you up, I have. You've gone a bit too far, you have ... No + sugar without a card, and then only half-a-pound, and they do + say it'll only be a quarter soon. And + <i>matches!</i>—only one box at a time, and <i>they</i> + don't strike, and how's a body to light a fire at all?"</p> + + <p>With this she lifted her coal-hammer and brought it down + with all her force on the KAISER'S head. Involuntarily I + flinched; it was a terrible blow.</p> + + <p>Several Generals, their iron crosses jingling, rushed + forward and seized Millie, uttering guttural sounds of horror + and indignation. But the KAISER stood unmoved—yes, + unmoved. Millie gaped at him. He ordered his satellites to + release her and, as they reluctantly did so, Millie nodded her + head at them.</p> + + <p>"You leave me where I'm to! He can take up his own part," + she told them.</p> + + <p>The KAISER addressed her sternly.</p> + + <p>"Presumptuous woman," he said, "it is not written that you + shall be the cause of my death. There is something much higher + in store for me. You deserve worse than death at my hands; but + since you are from England I will squeeze from you all the + information I require and bend you to my uses."</p> + + <p>All this was obviously wasted on + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page379" + id="page379"></a>[pg 379]</span> Millie, who heard nothing. + Having waited politely until his lips stopped moving in + speech, she again cracked him on the head with the + coal-hammer.</p> + + <p>The KAISER ignored this uncivil retort and spoke again.</p> + + <p>"You shall go back to your matchless country and tell them + there that we have plenty of matches in Germany; that we have + kept on good terms with Stockholm, and our matches are made in + Sweden. We have all we need to kindle every fire in hell. Now + are you convinced that you are beaten?"</p> + + <p>He was interrupted by another blow from the coal-hammer, + which made him bite his tongue, for Millie was becoming + exasperated and put all her strength into the stroke. The + KAISER stepped back.</p> + + <p>"Poor fool! You are wasting your strength, even as HAIG + wastes <i>his</i> in blow after blow on the Western front."</p> + + <p>But even as he uttered the lying boast he tottered and fell + back unconscious into the arms of LITTLE WILLIE.</p> + + <p>The Generals and Statesmen gathered round their stricken + master, gabbling purest Prussian.</p> + + <p>Millie appeared satisfied at last, although the CROWN PRINCE + had scarcely glanced at her, for she was not his type. She took + advantage of the commotion to procure two boxes of matches + which had been thrown carelessly on the table. These she + bestowed mysteriously beneath her overall.</p> + + <p>"He deserved it too!" she muttered contentedly as she + hobbled to the door; "and I don't believe so much about all his + matches either. You can only get two boxes at a time even + here." With this reflection she unostentatiously departed.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Again that familiar knock....</p> + + <p>I was back in my little sitting-room in Cornwall and Millie + entered with my candle, which she put down on the table rather + noisily. I gave her the usual grin and nod of acknowledgment, + and she wished me good-night and went.</p> + + <p>In the tray of the candlestick there was a box of matches. I + picked it up and turned it over curiously. Could my dream have + been true? Or was it only a coincidence that in blatant red + letters on that match-box were the words:—</p> + + <p>"MADE IN SWEDEN."</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Spokane (Washington), Monday.</p> + + <p>"Troops raided the I.W.W. headquarters and arrested James + Rowan (leader) and 2½ others on the eve of + threatened disturbances."—<i>Toowoomba Gazette + (Australia)</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Unfortunately in such cases half-measures are rarely + successful.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/379.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/379.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Sub</i> (<i>to A.P.M., who has + severely censured him for being without gloves, + wearing collar of wrong colour, etc.</i>). "OH, BY THE + BY, SIR, HOW DO YOU LIKE THE WAY I DO MY HAIR?" + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"THE AUTUMN MEETING of the WISBECH LOCAL PEACE + ASSOCIATION will be held on WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 28th, + 1917.</p> + + <p>"Being full moon, a good attendance is + expected."—<i>Isle of Ely Advertiser</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The Gothas would see that it was a peace-meeting and leave + it alone.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The tanks crossed the deep gulf of the Hindenburg main + line, pitching nose downwards as they drew their long + bodies over the parapets and rearing up again with their + long forward reach of body and heaving themselves on to the + German paradise beyond."—<i>Yorkshire Evening + Post</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>That is not what the Germans called it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"IF CAMBRIA FALLS—</p> + + <p>"The possibilities in the New Battle."—<i>Dublin + Evening Herald</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>No wonder Mr. LLOYD GEORGE hurried off to France.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"On the earth, the broken acres; In the heaven, a + perfect ground."—<i>The Canadian Churchman</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Of course Canada is before everything an agricultural + country, and we feel sure that BROWNING would be the last man + to object to any adaptation of his lines which would make them + more suited to the needs of the people and the times.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page380" + id="page380"></a>[pg 380]</span> + + <h2>THEATRICAL CORRESPONDENCE</h2> + + <h3>SUPPLYING ONE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION, "WHY DOES A DRAMATIST + GROW OLD SOONER THAN ANYONE ELSE?"</h3> + + <p><i>From G. Sheridan Smith, author, to Sir James Benfield, + actor-manager.</i></p> + + <p>Dear Sir,—Herewith I am forwarding a copy of an + original three-act comedy, entitled, <i>Men and Munitions</i>. + As the interest is largely topical I should he much obliged if + you could let me have your verdict upon it with as little delay + as possible.</p> + + <p>Faithfully yours,</p> + + <p>G. SHERIDAN SMITH.</p> + + <p><i>From the Same to his friend, Buskin Browne, + actor.</i></p> + + <p>Dear B.B.,—By this post I am sending my new comedy, + <i>Men and Munitions</i>, to your manager, whom I believe it + should suit. If an occasion served for you to put in a word + about it without too much trouble, I should be eternally + grateful.</p> + + <p>Yours ever, G.S.S.</p> + + <p><i>From Buskin Browne, in answer.</i></p> + + <p>My Dear Man,—With all the pleasure in life. I fancy + we're changing our bill shortly, and, as farce is all the rage + just now, I'll boom your <i>Munition Mad</i> directly I get a + chance. Best of luck.</p> + + <p>Yours, BEE-BEE.</p> + + <p><i>From G. Sheridan Smith, in reply. A telegram.</i></p> + + <p>Thousand thanks play called men and munitions comedy not + farce.</p> + + <p><i>From the Same to the Same, six weeks later.</i></p> + + <p>Dear B.B.,—I hate to trouble you, but as I've heard + nothing yet from the management about my comedy I am writing to + ask if you can give me any idea of Sir J.B.'s intentions + regarding it. Did he say anything that you dare repeat?</p> + + <p>Yours, G.S.S.</p> + + <p><i>From Buskin Browne, in answer, a fortnight later.</i></p> + + <p>Dear old Boy,—No chance as yet, as the chief has been + away ill. But he comes back on Saturday, when I will mention + the farce to him without fail.</p> + + <p>Yours "while this machine is to him," BEE-BEE.</p> + + <p><i>From G. Sheridan Smith, to Sir James Benfield, a month + later.</i></p> + + <p>Dear Sir,—I was profoundly grieved to learn from a + mutual friend that you had been so long on the sick list. Now, + however, that you are at work again, and (I trust) fully + restored to health, may I hope for a verdict upon my comedy, + <i>Men and Munitions</i>, at your earliest convenience?</p> + + <p>With warmest congratulations,</p> + + <p>I am, Faithfully yours,</p> + + <p>G. SHERIDAN SMITH.</p> + + <p><i>From Sir James Benfield's Secretary, in answer, a week + later.</i></p> + + <p>Dear Sir,—Sir James Benfield desires me to acknowledge + your letter, and to inform you that he has been away ill, and + unable to attend to any correspondence.</p> + + <p>Faithfully yours,</p> + + <p>BASIL VYNE-PETHERINGTON,</p> + + <p>Secretary.</p> + + <p><i>From Buskin Browne to G. Sheridan Smith.</i></p> + + <p>Dear old Man,—I heard unofficially last night that + your farce has had a quite top-hole report from the reader, and + might be put on almost at once. <i>Ça marche!</i> + Anything for me in it?</p> + + <p>B.B.</p> + + <p><i>From Basil Vyne-Petherington to G. Sheridan Smith, by + same post as above.</i></p> + + <p>Dear Sir,—In answer to your inquiry we can trace no + record of the receipt of any MS. from you. If you will kindly + let me have particulars, name of play, date when forwarded, + etc., the matter shall receive further attention.</p> + + <p>Faithfully yours,</p> + + <p>BASIL VYNE-PETHERINGTON,</p> + + <p>Secretary.</p> + + <p><i>From G. Sheridan Smith, in answer. A telegram.</i></p> + + <p>Men and munitions comedy fourteen weeks ago kindly wire + reply paid.</p> + + <p><i>Reply to above. A telegram.</i></p> + + <p>No trace comedy entitled fourteen weeks suggest inquire + post-office.</p> + + <p><i>Reply to above</i>.</p> + + <p>Name of comedy men and munitions reply paid urgent.</p> + + <p><i>Reply to above.</i></p> + + <p>Your play returned last week.</p> + + <p><i>Reply to above.</i></p> + + <p>Nothing arrived here please look again.</p> + + <p><i>From Basil Vyne-Petherington to G. Sheridan + Smith.</i></p> + + <p>Dear Sir,—In returning herewith your blank-verse + tragedy, <i>Hadrian</i>, I am desired by Sir James Benfield to + thank you for kindly allowing him the opportunity of reading + it.</p> + + <p>Faithfully yours,</p> + + <p>BASIL VYNE-PETHERINGTON,</p> + + <p>Secretary.</p> + + <p><i>From Buskin Browne to G. Sheridan Smith.</i></p> + + <p>Dear old Boy,—The A.S.M. told me to-day that our + backers won't look at farce, though the chief simply loves + yours. So I'm afraid we can only say better luck next time.</p> + + <p>Yours disappointed,</p> + + <p>B.B.</p> + + <p><i>From Basil Vyne-Petherington to G. Sheridan Smith, five + weeks later.</i></p> + + <p>Dear Sir,—Sir James Benfield has been interested to + learn that you have written a comedy of topical interest, + called (he understands) <i>The Munitioneer</i>. Should you care + to forward it for his consideration he would be pleased to read + it, and, if suitable, to arrange for its production at this + theatre.</p> + + <p>Faithfully yours,</p> + + <p>BASIL VYNE-PETHERINGTON,</p> + + <p>Secretary.</p> + + <p><i>From G. Sheridan Smith, in reply. A telegram.</i></p> + + <p>Where did you get a name like that?</p> + + <p><i>From Basil Vyne-Petherington, in final answer, a month + later.</i></p> + + <p>Sir,—I am requested by Sir James Benfield to state + that he has been compelled to make a rule never to send his + autograph to strangers.</p> + + <p>Yours faithfully,</p> + + <p>BASIL VYNE-PETHERINGTON,</p> + + <p>Secretary.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>WHITE MAGIC.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Blind folk see the fairies,</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh, better far than we,</p> + + <p>Who miss the shining of their wings</p> + + <p>Because our eyes are filled with things</p> + + <p class="i2">We do not wish to see.</p> + + <p>They need not seek enchantment</p> + + <p class="i2">From solemn printed books,</p> + + <p>For all about them as they go</p> + + <p>The fairies flutter to and fro</p> + + <p class="i2">With smiling, friendly looks.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Deaf folk hear the fairies</p> + + <p class="i2">However soft their song;</p> + + <p>'Tis we who lose the honey sound</p> + + <p>Amid the clamour all around</p> + + <p class="i2">That beats the whole day long.</p> + + <p>But they with gentle faces</p> + + <p class="i2">Sit quietly apart;</p> + + <p>What room have they for sorrowing</p> + + <p>While fairy minstrels sit and sing</p> + + <p class="i2">Close to their listening heart?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>R.F.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Extract from a French account of the tanks in action in the + battle for Cambrai:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Les chars d'assaut curent aussi leur cri de guerre. Peu + avant l'attaque, le long de leur ligne courut un message + répétant, en le modifiant + légèrement, celui de Nelson à + Trafalgar:</p> + + <p>"'L'Angleterre compte que chaque tank fera aujourd'hui + son devoir sacré.'"—<i>Havas</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We had often wondered what the French was for "Do your + damnedest!" Now we know.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page381" + id="page381"></a>[pg 381]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h3>GETTING AWAY FROM + IT.</h3><a href="images/381.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/381.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page382" + id="page382"></a>[pg 382]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/382.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/382.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Head Waiter</i>. "SORRY, + SAIR—CAN'T HELP IT. FULL UP! NO ROOM FOR A LONG + TIME. AFTER ALL, DERE IS A WAR ON." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO MY BUTCHER.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O butcher, butcher of the bulbous eye,</p> + + <p>That in hoarse accents bidst me "buy, buy, buy!"</p> + + <p>Waving large hands suffused with brutish gore,</p> + + <p>Have I not found thee evil to the core?</p> + + <p>The greedy grocer grinds the face of me,</p> + + <p>The baker trades on my necessity,</p> + + <p>And from the milkman have I no surcease,</p> + + <p>But thou art Plunder's perfect masterpiece.</p> + + <p>These others are not always lost to shame;</p> + + <p>My grocer, now—last week he let me claim</p> + + <p>A pound of syrup—'twas a kindly deed</p> + + <p>To help a fellow-townsman in his need,</p> + + <p>Though harsh the price, and I was feign to crawl</p> + + <p>About his feet ere I might buy at all.</p> + + <p>But thou—although a myriad flocks may crop</p> + + <p>By Sussex gorse or Cheviot's grassy top,</p> + + <p>A myriad herds tumultuously snort</p> + + <p>From Palos Verdes eastward to Del Norte,</p> + + <p>Or where the fierce vaquero's bold bravado</p> + + <p>Resounds about the Llano Estacado;</p> + + <p>Though every abattoir works overtime</p> + + <p>And every stall in Smithfield groans with prime</p> + + <p>Cuts, from thy lips the ready lie falls pat,</p> + + <p>How thou art sold clean out of this and that,</p> + + <p>But will oblige me, just for old time's sake,</p> + + <p>With half a shin bone or some hard flank steak;</p> + + <p>Or (if with mutton I prefer to deck</p> + + <p>My festive board) the scraggy end of neck.</p> + + <p>And once, when goaded to a desperate stand,</p> + + <p>I wrung a sirloin from thy grudging hand,</p> + + <p>Did not thy boy, a cheeky little brute</p> + + <p>With shifty eyes, mislay the thing <i>en + route</i>,</p> + + <p>Depositing at my address the bones</p> + + <p>Intended for the dog of Mr. Jones?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I sometimes think that never runs so thin</p> + + <p>The milk as when it leaves the milkman's tin;</p> + + <p>That every link the sausageman prepares</p> + + <p>Harbours some wandering Towser unawares.</p> + + <p>And Binns, the baker (whom a murrain seize!),</p> + + <p>Immune from fraud's accustomed penalties,</p> + + <p>Sells me a stuff compound of string and lead,</p> + + <p>And has the nerve to name the substance bread.</p> + + <p>But deafer far to the voice of conscience grown</p> + + <p>The type that cuts me off a pound of bone</p> + + <p>Wherefrom an ounce of fat forlornly drops,</p> + + <p>And calls the thing two shillings' worth of + chops;</p> + + <p>More steeped in crime the heart that dares to + fleece</p> + + <p>My purse of eighteen-pence for one small piece</p> + + <p>Of tripe, whereof, when times were not so hard,</p> + + <p>The price was fourpence for the running yard!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Wherefore I hate thee, butcher, and would pass</p> + + <p>Untempted of thy viands. But, alas!</p> + + <p>The spirit that essays in master flights</p> + + <p>To sip the honey from Parnassus' heights,</p> + + <p>That daily doth his Pegasus bestride</p> + + <p>And keeps the War from spoiling on the side,</p> + + <p>Fails to be fostered by the sensuous sprout</p> + + <p>Or with horse carrots blow its waistcoat out.</p> + + <p>So, though I loathe thee, butcher, I must buy</p> + + <p>The tokens of thy heartless usury.</p> + + <p>Yet oft I dream that in some life to come,</p> + + <p>Where no sharp pangs assail the poet's tum,</p> + + <p>Athwart high sunburnt plains I drive my plough,</p> + + <p>Untouched by earth's gross appetites, and thou,</p> + + <p>My ox, my beast, goest groaning at the tugs,</p> + + <p>And do I spare thy feelings? No, by jugs!</p> + + <p>With tireless lash I probe thy leaden feet,</p> + + <p>And beat and beat and beat and beat and beat.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>ALGOL.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page383" + id="page383"></a>[pg 383]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/383.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/383.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>IF EVERYBODY HELPED—</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page384" + id="page384"></a>[pg 384]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday, November 26th</i>.—Rather a jolly day in + the House of Commons. It was pleasant to hear Lord WOLMER, + ingenuous youth, explaining, on behalf of the War Trade + Department, that there was no danger of an unusually large + consignment of rubber bathing-caps finding their way from + Switzerland to the heads of German Fraüleins. To Colonel + YATE belongs the credit of pointing out that people do not + bathe in Switzerland in the winter.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/384-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/384-1.png" + alt="" /></a>"Can't we go and have a steak + somewhere?"<br /> + Mr. WILL THORNE. + </div> + + <p>Where Russia is concerned Mr. BALFOUR declines to be + included among the prophets; all he knows is that that unhappy + country has not yet evolved a Government with which he can + negotiate. He was more explicit regarding the German tale of a + Privy Council in 1913, presided over by the KING, at which Mr. + ASQUITH and Lord KITCHENER conspired with Sir EDWARD GREY and + Lord MORLEY (whose "Reminiscences" are strangely silent on the + subject) to declare war upon Germany. Who after this shall dare + to say that the Germans have no imagination?</p> + + <p>Mr. WILL THORNE considers that compulsory rationing ought to + be postponed until the menus at the hotels and clubs are cut + down to two courses. Somebody ought to invite Mr. THORNE, who + from his appearance I should judge to have a healthy appetite, + to partake of one of these (alleged) Gargantuan feasts and see + what he thinks of it. His comment would probably be, "Can't we + go and have a steak somewhere?"</p> + + <p>When is a leaflet not a leaflet? "When it is an election + address," says Sir GEORGE CAVE. At the same time he warned Mr. + KING that if he thought to get round the new regulations by + embodying his peculiar views in the form of electioneering + literature he might still collide with "Dora." The warning was + surely superfluous. The last thing any Pacifist M.P. wishes to + do is to submit himself to the judgment of his + constituents.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, November 27th</i>.—Mr. MACPHERSON'S + statement that officers with the Expeditionary Force are + supplied with whisky at prices varying from <i>3s. 6d</i>. to + <i>6s</i>. a bottle may have horrified the teetotalers, but has + intensified the patriotic desire of some of our Volunteers to + share the hardships of these gallant fellows in the + trenches.</p> + + <p>There was another long-drawn-out duel between Mr. HOUSTON + and Sir LEO CHIOZZA MONEY on the subject of shipping freights. + The House always enjoys these encounters, although the + opponents, like the toy "wrestlers" of our youth, never get + much "forrader." The Member for West Toxteth has probably + forgotten more about the shipping trade than his opponent ever + knew. But for all that Sir LEO keeps his end up, though his + assertion that the consumer would not benefit if the Government + charged "Blue-book rates" for ordinary cargo does not convince + everybody. But then everybody does not understand + Blue-books.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/384-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/384-2.png" + alt="" /></a>"Sir Leo keeps his end up."<br /> + MR. HOUSTON. SIR LEO CHIOZZA MONEY. + </div> + + <p><i>Wednesday, November 28th</i>.—The Peers were + surprised to hear from Lord COURTNEY that he was not of the + creed of the conscientious objector. They had been under the + impression that his public career had been one long orgie of + conscientious objection to everything that did not emanate from + his own capacious brain. Even his hat and his waistcoat + proclaim his defiance of conventional opinion.</p> + + <p>For weeks past the House of Commons has been invited to + believe that German "pill-boxes" were composed of British + cement; and the case seemed clear when a British officer wrote + from Flanders the other day that he had discovered in the + German lines a label plainly marked "Artificial Portland." + Members were relieved to learn that the label came from a + Belgian factory taken over by the Germans. "If those pill-boxes + had really been made of our cement," said a Medway + representative, "we should be hammering at them still."</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, November 29th</i>.—Question-time would be + much more amusing if Ministers and Members were more + accomplished in the art of repartee. A few are quick enough. + When Mr. LEES SMITH complained that one of his statements had + been described by the FOREIGN SECRETARY as a mare's nest Lord + ROBERT CECIL swiftly replied that he did not remember the + incident, but had no doubt that if his right hon. friend used + the term it was justified.</p> + + <p>Under the Redistribution scheme as arranged by the Boundary + Commissioners the name West Birmingham would have disappeared + from the roll of constituencies. In graceful tribute to the + memory of JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN the House unanimously agreed to + its reinstatement. It also changed the name of the Woodstock + division to the Banbury division; but the idea that this was + done as a compliment to the junior Member for the City of + London is, I am told, erroneous.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>"In such a Questionable Shape."</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"This, of course, brings up the almighty + question—Who wrote Shapespeare?"—<i>Mr. George + Moore in "The Observer</i>."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>A short answer to this almighty question is—Either Mr. + GEORGE MOORE or the writer who determined "to call a spade a + spape."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Cook-General, good (26), Wanted immediately, or by + December 6th, for three months, in Exeter. Wages 50s. per + mouth."—<i>Express and Echo (Exeter)</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We confidently hope that she has only one.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page385" + id="page385"></a>[pg 385]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/385.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/385.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>Mother</i>. "GOOD GRACIOUS! THAT'S NOT YOUR NEW BEST + HAT?"</p> + + <p><i>Child</i>. "WELL, MOTHER, YOU KNOW I TOLD YOU WHEN WE + GOT IT THAT IT WOULDN'T WEAR WELL."</p> + + <p><i>Mother</i>. "I DON'T REMEMBER YOUR SAYING SO."</p> + + <p><i>Child</i>. "YES, MOTHER. SURELY YOU REMEMBER I SAID, + 'THE FIRST TIME THAT HAT'S SAT ON IT'S DONE FOR'?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>BELIEVE ME OR BELIEVE ME NOT.</h2> + + <p>Although he had been rendered absolutely dumb by shell-shock + the soldier was able to earn a little extra money by doing odd + jobs. But nothing could get his speech back. It was a very + stubborn and perplexing case. For eighteen months he had not + succeeded in uttering a word, though understanding everything + that was said to him. All the usual devices had failed; every + kind of sudden surprise to startle him into articulation had + been attempted; electricity had been passed through the muscles + of the tongue and larynx; doctors had discussed him with a + volubility only equalled by his own silence. But he remained + dumb. It seemed hopeless.</p> + + <p>Last week the mistress of the house where he was mostly + employed sent him to the grocer's with, as usual, a slip of + paper. The paper was addressed to the grocer, and it said, + "Please do your utmost to give the bearer some sugar and tea. + Even the smallest quantity will be gratefully welcomed."</p> + + <p>Entering the shop the soldier laid the message on the + counter, prepared to wait patiently for the harassed tradesman + to attend to him. He had often been there before and knew what + it meant; but on this occasion the grocer instantly advanced to + meet him, took the paper smilingly and read it.</p> + + <p>"Certainly," he replied. "I suppose four pounds of each + would be enough to go on with?"</p> + + <p>"Four pounds!" said the soldier. "Strike me pink, she'd + think herself the Queen with four ounces!"</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Things we should like to see Illustrated.</h3> + + <p>From a recent novel:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"... Then the gong went, and she followed it into the + dining-room ..."</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Class A (fit for general service) is subdivided as + follows:—1—Men actually fit for general service + in any theatre in all respects. 2—Recruits who should + be fit for A1 as soon as trained. 3—Men who have + previously served with an expeditionary force who should be + fit for £1 as soon as 'hardened.'"—<i>Scots + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>They must be well worth it, even in a soft state.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h3>More War Economy.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"BUTCHER.—Wanted, Second + Hand."—<i>Manchester Evening News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Southport. Mrs. ——, Homely Apts.; sea view; + piano: mod."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We approve Mrs. ——'s candour about the piano, + which accords with our own experience in seaside + boarding-houses.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Germany recently began calling up Class + 19120."—<i>Western Mail</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The end of the War may be in sight, but it still seems to be + some distance off.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"In districts where a number of shops were serving the + same people and streets, they would be asked to co-operate + so that butcher, baker and grocer would use the same vans. + Traders who refused to comply with the scheme would be + dealt with."—<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>But surely such unpatriotic shopkeepers should not be dealt + with.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Lost, on or about September 30 last, a Gold Bar Brooch, + with chaste Scotch terrier in centre."—<i>Manchester + Evening News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We are glad to see that at least one of our dumb friends has + not been affected by the wave of bigamy that has been sweeping + over the country.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page386" + id="page386"></a>[pg 386]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/386.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/386.png" + alt="" /></a><i>Old hand</i> (<i>supplying desired + information to new arrival</i>). "THOSE THINGS UP + THERE? OH, THEY'RE CANTEENS FOR THE R.F.C." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE HUT.</h2> + + <p>As ordered, we marched the Battery to B 35d 45.25. Reader, + have you ever lived in, or on, an unfurnished map-reference in + Flanders? If not, permit me to inform you that this group of + letters and numerals represented a mud-flat pocked with ancient + shell-craters, through which loafed an unwholesome stream under + a bilious-looking sky. The Junior Subaltern, fresh from home, + asked where the billets were. We could but bless his happy + innocence and remind him that as Army Field Artillery we were + nobody's children, the orphan bravoes of the Western Front, and + that for us a bunch of map co-ordinates was considered ample + provision.</p> + + <p>The horses, having with proper pride sneered at the stream, + were silenced with their nosebags, and then we asked our cook + what about it? That dauntless artist in bully-beef promptly + brought our far-travelled mess-table into action in the open, + and thus publicly we sat round it on our valises and drank + Vichy water until the novelty palled. Then the rain began and + the men once more united in wishing themselves in + Tennessee.</p> + + <p>The Captain was now driven from the bosom of the mess to + find a Camp Commandant, and to tell him, with the Major's + compliments, that even the personnel of Army Brigades were + liable, in the words of the book, to deteriorate rapidly if + unprotected from damp. The officer, whom he found lurking in a + neighbouring Nissen hut, was tall and stately, but admitted, + under pressure, that to him was entrusted the stewardship of + our mud-flat and the adjacent camps, and that he could give us + a mess. Through the insistent drizzle this person, smiling now + very pleasantly, led us to a depressed wooden building that + suggested a derelict Noah's Ark with a sinister look about the + windows. The bad-tempered sky scowled between the planks of the + roof; the querulous wind whined up through the floor; rats + backed snarling into the corners on our entrance.</p> + + <p>"This is the place," said the C.C. "You'll soon make + yourselves very comfortable."</p> + + <p>That night I dreamed I was a "U" boat, and started up, + snorting, to find myself under a cascade, while the felt upon + the roof banged and rasped and flapped. It sounded as if the + ark were trying to fly, but found its wings rusty. At dawn we + sent the Captain out, and refused him breakfast till by some + resource of ingenuity or crime he obtained certain sausages of + new felt. These our fearless batmen unrolled and nailed upon + the roof. After his porridge we pushed him out again with a + strong party under orders to carry the nearest R.E. dump by + force or fraud, and secure large quantities of timber, nails, + canvas and, if possible (the up-to-date R.E. dump secretes many + unexpected commodities), Turkey carpets, wall-paper, + sofa-cushions and bedroom-slippers.</p> + + <p>The batmen were sent out with a limbered cart, some smoke + shell and the total establishment of billhooks, and forbidden + to return without sufficient material for bedsteads, + window-shutters, bookshelves and chairs. By evening the place + began to feel habitable, and the C.C., when he looked in to + borrow a horse, endeared himself to us all by his obvious + pleasure in our comparative comfort. We lent him the best horse + in the battery.</p> + + <p>The Major's batman devoted the following day to the + construction of a species of retiring-room at one end of the + hut, wherein the modest members of the mess might bathe and + splash at ease. The remainder of the servants went out armed + and returned with (1) a zinc bath, (2) a stove, (3) a cuckoo + clock, (4) a large mirror, (5) a warming-pan. "Once let us make + a home for ourselves," we said, "and our energies will be free + to finish the War." We devoted every cunning worker in the + battery to this great end. Drill was abandoned, stables + forgotten. We installed bookshelves, bootjacks, a sideboard, + hat racks, a dumb waiter, a stand for the gramophone and a + roll-top desk for the Major. The walls were tapestried with + canvas, hung with pictures, scalps, and the various decorations + won by members of the mess. The original building, disreputable + and hateful, was hidden and forgotten.</p> + + <p>And then the C.C. called again, and, after a minute and + admiring inspection of our abode, informed us that to his + bitter sorrow he had to turn us out; + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page387" + id="page387"></a>[pg 387]</span> umteen battalions of + infantry were coming in and had to be + accommodated—this being an infantry camp....</p> + + <p>That night, as I walked about in the rain, I looked in at + the open door of our lost home. Two N.C.O.'s were sitting over + our stove, lost, lonely in the elongated emptiness; longing, I + knew, to be with their comrades bellowing in an adjacent hut. + And so I understood and knew at length how Camp Commandants + manage the maintenance and improvement of their domain. I + devote myself now to warning the simple-hearted gunner against + unfurnished huts and the hospitality of Camp Commandants. And + some day I hope to be in a position to lend that particular + C.C. another horse.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Punch's Roll of Honour.</h3> + + <p>We deeply regret to learn that Lieutenant GEORGE L. BROWN, + Loyal North Lancashire Regiment, who contributed sketches to + <i>Punch</i> before the War, has died of wounds.</p> + + <p>We are very glad to say that Captain A.W. LLOYD, Royal + Fusiliers, is making a good recovery from the severe wound + which he received in East Africa.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/387.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/387.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <p><i>She</i>. "OH, WAS THAT A BOMB?"</p> + + <p><i>He</i>. "YES, I THINK IT WAS. BUT IF IT WAS AS NEAR + AS IT SOUNDED IT WOULD HAVE BEEN VERY MUCH LOUDER."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>MARGARINE.</h2> + + <h3>A HOUSEKEEPER'S PALINODE.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>MARGARINE—the prefix "oleo-"</p> + + <p class="i2">Latterly has been effaced,</p> + + <p>Though no doubt in many a folio</p> + + <p class="i2">Of the grocer's ledger traced—</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Once I arrogantly rated</p> + + <p class="i2">You below the cheapest lard;</p> + + <p>Once your "g" enunciated,</p> + + <p class="i2">With pedantic rigour, hard.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How your elements were blended</p> + + <p class="i2">Naught I knew; but wild surmise</p> + + <p>Hinted horrors that offended</p> + + <p class="i2">Squeamish and fastidious eyes.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now this view, unjust, unfounded,</p> + + <p class="i2">I recant with deep remorse,</p> + + <p>Knowing you are not compounded</p> + + <p class="i2">From the carcase of the horse.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Still with glances far from genial</p> + + <p class="i2">I beheld you, margarine,</p> + + <p>And restricted you to menial</p> + + <p class="i2">Services in my cuisine.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Still I felt myself unable,</p> + + <p class="i2">Though you helped to fry my fish,</p> + + <p>To endure you at my table</p> + + <p class="i2">Nestling in the butter-dish.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Now</i> that I have clearly tracked your</p> + + <p class="i2">Blameless progress from the nut,</p> + + <p>I proclaim your manufacture</p> + + <p class="i2">As a boon, without a "but."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now I trudge to streets far distant,</p> + + <p class="i2">Humbly in your queue to stand,</p> + + <p>Till the grocer's tired assistant</p> + + <p class="i2">Dumps the packet in my hand.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Though you lack the special savour</p> + + <p class="i2">Of the product of the churn,</p> + + <p>Still the difference in flavour</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm beginning to unlearn.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thoughts of Devonshire or Dorset</p> + + <p class="i2">From my mind have vanished quite,</p> + + <p>Since the stern demands of war set</p> + + <p class="i2">Limits to my appetite.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Butter is of course delicious;</p> + + <p class="i2">But when that is dear and scant</p> + + <p>Welcome, margarine, nutritious</p> + + <p class="i2">Palatable lubricant!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The undersigned, who has just returned from the Front, + begs to inform the Public that he has opened a Barber's + Shop on the ground floor of Miss ——'s house in + Great George Street, where he is prepared to give CUTS in + any style required."—<i>Dominion Chronicle</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Well, his customers can't complain that they weren't + warned.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page388" + id="page388"></a>[pg 388]</span> + + <h2>TO HELP OUR OTHER ARMY.</h2> + + <p>With all eyes so focussed on the great deeds of our men in + France, in Palestine and on the sea, there is a possibility of + losing sight now and then of the constant and devoted efforts + of the women and girls at home, without whose co-operation the + War could not be successfully waged at all. We are the debtors + not only of the munition workers who, in their hundreds of + thousands, are toiling for victory, but of women and girls in + myriad other employments, which they have cheerfully attacked + and mastered; and any little thing that we can do for them + should, Mr. Punch holds, be done. A practical and very simple + way of adding to their happiness and well-being is to + contribute a mite to the funds of the Girls' Friendly Society, + an organisation with the finest traditions, which is doing its + best to build rest and recreation huts all over England, for + the purpose of conserving the health and spirits of our great + feminine army. A moment's thought will show how vitally and + nationally important such help is. Contributions should be sent + to the Secretary, War Emergency Committee, Girls' Friendly + Society, 39, Victoria Street, S.W.1.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>MY AUNT MATILDA.</h2> + + <p>"It's too bad," said Francesca, "it really is. It'll spoil + Christmas."</p> + + <p>"The question is," I said, "that this House do accept my + Aunt Matilda's invitation of herself to stay in it for an + uncertain period at or about Christmas. I think the Ayes have + it."</p> + + <p>"The Noes have it," shouted Francesca.</p> + + <p>"Francesca," I said, "it's no use struggling, and you know + it. We've got to have Aunt Matilda, and there's an end of + it."</p> + + <p>"There isn't an end of it at all. It's only just beginning, + and it'll go on getting worse and worse."</p> + + <p>"You do not seem to realise," I said, "what the possession + of an aunt like Aunt Matilda means. She is like all the aunts + you've ever read about in novels, only more so. She's so true + to type that you can hardly believe in her existence. To be + related to her is to have a Stake in the Country and to be part + of the British Constitution, which she ardently believes in + without knowing anything about it. She's been a widow for + fifteen years, and—"</p> + + <p>"Poor old thing," said Francesca, "so she has."</p> + + <p>"—for fifteen solitary years she has battled against + the world, and managed her business affairs extraordinarily + well; and yet she believes that women are perfect fools, and + pities them from the bottom of her heart for being women."</p> + + <p>"As far as I'm concerned," said Francesca, "she may pity all + the other women if she'll only not pity me. If I have a + headache she not only pities me, but despises me as a weakling + utterly unfitted to manage a household. No, my dear, I can't + face it. Your Aunt Matilda's too much for me."</p> + + <p>"I admit," I said, "that she's a good deal."</p> + + <p>"And of course she'll bring her maid."</p> + + <p>"And her pug."</p> + + <p>"Whose name is 'MacLachlan,' and you mustn't call him 'Mac' + because it's disrespectful."</p> + + <p>"And the children won't be allowed to shout about the house + when she takes her nap. And of course they <i>will</i> shout + about the house, and then there'll be trouble.".</p> + + <p>"And the children will be compared with other children who + are much better behaved."</p> + + <p>"It's a queer thing, but the children don't seem to mind + her."</p> + + <p>"She bribes them with chocolates."</p> + + <p>"Well, she won't do it any more, because there are no + chocolates in the world. Chocolates are a luxury."</p> + + <p>"So's your aunt," said Francesca. "She's the biggest luxury + I ever heard of. She's rare—I might almost say unique. + She's expensive, and she can be done without. Obviously she's + forbidden by the Defence of the Realm Act. We shall be fined + and imprisoned if we conceal her here."</p> + + <p>"Well, you'd better sit down and tell her so, and get it off + your chest."</p> + + <p>"I suppose I must play the humbug."</p> + + <p>"Yes, do. She'll see through you all right, though."</p> + + <p>"Oh, I say," said Francesca, "there's a P.S. to her letter. + She says she's saved two pounds out of her sugar ration, and + she's sending it to us as a Christmas present. Isn't she an old + topper?"</p> + + <p>"Yes," I said, "I forgive her everything. Is two pounds a + lot?"</p> + + <p>"It's generally supposed to be just two pounds," said + Francesca. R. C. L.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE VENGEANCE.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I never liked the man at Number Nine,</p> + + <p class="i2">But now my breast is bursting with its + wrongs,</p> + + <p>For when we had a few old friends to dine</p> + + <p class="i2">And crowned our feasting with some gentle + songs,</p> + + <p>Instead of simply drinking in the glamour,</p> + + <p>The charm of it, he had the cheek to hammer</p> + + <p class="i2">The party-wall with pokers and with + tongs.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah, me! that Art should suffer such disdain!</p> + + <p class="i2">But what can one expect in time of + war?</p> + + <p>Mayhap our minstre'sy had given pain</p> + + <p class="i2">To some tired patriot in bed + next-door—</p> + + <p>Some weary soul that all day fashions fuses,</p> + + <p>To whom his sleep is more than all the + Muses—</p> + + <p class="i2">And so, for England's sake we sang no + more.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No longer now the hideous truth is hid:</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>The man is nothing but a + Pacifist</i>;</p> + + <p>And, what is worse, he draws four hundred quid</p> + + <p class="i2">For representing views which don't + exist,</p> + + <p>Although in Parliament, without his poker,</p> + + <p>I'm glad to see they would not hear the croaker,</p> + + <p class="i2">But when he talked they only howled and + hissed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And now all Hammersmith with zeal prepares</p> + + <p class="i2">To make a night of it when next we + sing;</p> + + <p>We shall not waste our soft romantic airs,</p> + + <p class="i2">But the glad street with warlike strains + shall ring</p> + + <p>Of blood and armaments and Fritz's whacking,</p> + + <p>And he shall hammer till the walls are cracking,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the whole suburb joins us in "The + King."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A.P.H.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>ONE OF THE CANNIBAL ISLANDS?</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The unfrequented coral harbour was an ideal spot for + this operation. The 60 odd men and women on the Seeadler + were landed, and the natives, avid for change of diet, + welcomed them."—<i>The Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A distinctive uniform will be given the new Air Service + when the old is worn out, Major Baird + announces."—<i>Daily Mail</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>An officer in the R.F.C. writes to say that the old Air + Service has no intention of wearing out.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The coroner said people would be wise to carry electric + torches or newspapers, and ladies should wear something + white—a pocket handkerchief would be better than + nothing."—<i>Sunday Observer</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Certainly "better than nothing," but a newspaper would make + a more showy costume.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page389" + id="page389"></a>[pg 389]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/389.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/389.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>THE NEW LANGUAGE.</h3><i>Tommy</i> (<i>to inquisitive + French children</i>). "NAH, THEN, ALLEY TOOT SWEET, AN' THE + TOOTER THE SWEETER!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks</i>.)</h4> + + <p>At this date "The Junior Sub" fortunately needs no + introduction to a public that has long gathered him and his to + its appreciative heart. I should not like to guess how many + people read and enjoyed <i>The First Hundred Thousand</i>; they + all, and more, will delight in the appearance of <i>Carrying + On</i> (BLACKWOOD), in which the exploits of the famous + regiment, of <i>Major Wagstaffe</i> and <i>Captain Bobby + Little</i> and the rest of them are continued. What the precise + war position of IAN HAY may be by now I am unaware, but I + should emphatically suggest his appointment to the post of + Official Cheerer-Up. Perhaps (how shall I put it?) the + eye-pieces of the writer's mask are a trifle too rose-coloured + for strict realism; great-hearted gentlemen as we know our + heroes to be, are they always quite so merry and bright as + here? One can but hope so. In any case, as special propaganda + on the part of the O.C.U., the stories could hardly be + bettered. One, called "The Push that Failed," I would order to + be read aloud to the workers in every munition factory in the + land; its heartening tale of how the British people had, to the + paralysed astonishment of Brother Bosch, "delivered the goods" + to such effect that his projected spectacular attack under the + eyes of WILLIAM the Worst was smashed before it began, is of a + kind to strengthen the most weary arm. While I was yet upon the + final page the bells in a famous abbey tower close by broke + into grateful clamour for the news of victory. But IAN HAY does + not wait on victory; he has his joy-bells ringing always in our + hearts.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>The Tree of Heaven</i> (CASSELL) spread its friendly + branches over a pleasant corner of a roomy Hampstead garden. + Matter-of-fact <i>Anthony</i>, the timber merchant, always + would insist that it was a mere common ash; but the others, + <i>Frances</i>, and the children, <i>Dorothy, Michael, + Nicky</i> and adopted <i>Veronica</i>, knew better, as also, no + doubt, did <i>Jane-Pussy</i> and her little son, <i>Jerry</i>, + who was <i>Nicky's</i> most especial pal. Miss MAY SINCLAIR, + without being a conscienceless sentimentalist, does us the fine + service of reminding us that the world of men is not all drab + ugliness, but that there are beautiful human relationships and + unselfish characters, and wholesome training which justifies + itself in the day of trial. She divides her charming chronicle + into three parts—Peace, The Vortex, and Victory. The + first deals with the childhood of the happy brood of + <i>Anthony</i> and <i>Frances</i>, delicate studies subtly + differentiated. Even the little cats have their astonishing + individuality, and I don't envy anyone who can read of + <i>Jerry's</i> death and <i>Nicky's</i> grief without a gulp. + The Vortex is—no, not the War; that comes later—but + the trials of a world which tests adolescence, a world of + suffrage rebellions, of Futuristic art and morals. Then the + real vortex of the War, the Victory which means ready (or + difficult, unready) sacrifice and death for the boys and their + friends and as great a sacrifice and as cruel a thing as death + for the others, the women and the elders.... A novel, which is + much more than a novel, packed with beauty and sincerity, + setting forth its tragedy without false glamour or shallow + consolations.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Since it is natural to expect that a much-heralded book will + fail, when it does eventually appear, to fulfil the promise of + its publishers, it is the more pleasant to find oneself + agreeing with Messrs. HODDER AND STOUGHTON that bashfulness on + their part would have been out of place in regard to Mr. JAMES + W. GERARD'S memoirs, <i>My Four Years in + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page390" + id="page390"></a>[pg 390]</span> Germany</i>. As read in + their completed and collected form these papers are not + only, as one could foresee, of historic importance, but they + are moreover capital reading. There is a world of unaffected + geniality and humour about them that forms a most admirable + complement to such serious matters as the protracted + negotiations over the U-boat campaign, or the now famous + incriminating telegram addressed by the ALL-HIGHEST to + President WILSON in the days before the Huns had quite + decided with what lies to defend the indefensible. This + document is reproduced in facsimile as the egregious sender + of telegrams wrote it for Mr. GERARD to transmit, and is one + link more in the thrice-forged chain of evidence. But even + stronger witness to German guilt is to be found in the + series of minor corroborations appearing incidentally in the + course of Mr. GERARD'S narrative, whether the author is + pretending to be in awe of Prussian Court Etiquette, or + openly laughing at the Orders of the Many Coloured Eagles, + or simply detailing his work at Ruhleben and the other + prison camps. His devotion there has earned a gratitude + throughout this country that it would be mere presumption to + try to put into words.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Those of us who have loitered with Mr. DE VERE STACPOOLE by + blue lagoons and silent pools know that he is a master of + atmosphere, and so he proves himself again in <i>The Starlit + Garden</i> (HUTCHINSON), though it takes him some time to get + there. When a young American finds himself the guardian of an + Irish flapper—a distant relation—and comes over to + take her back with him to the States, it does not require much + perspicacity to guess what will happen. <i>Phyl Berknowles</i> + strongly objects to the intrusion of <i>Richard Pinckney</i> + into the glorious muddle of her Irish ménage, and + irritates him so successfully that he returns in a considerable + tantrum to America, leaving her with some friends in Dublin. So + far the tale is lively enough, but not until <i>Phyl</i> feels + the call of her blood and goes to stay with her relatives in + Charleston does the author find scope for his peculiar charm. + Then we get a most delightful picture of a starlit garden in + the south of America, where <i>Phyl's</i> experiences, without + placing a tiresome strain upon our powers of belief, produce a + sensation at once romantic and unusual. Memories of the past + hang over this garden, and although Mr. STACPOOLE'S attempt to + reconcile the period of which he writes with the years that are + gone is not uniformly successful I am cordially glad that he + made it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The publishers of Mrs. ALICE PERRIN'S new volume, <i>Tales + that are Told</i> (SKEFFINGTON), appear to be anxious that the + public should have no hesitations on the score of measure + supplied, as they explain that the chief of the tales is "a + short novel of over 20,000 words." I am content to take their + word for the figure, but I agree that they were well advised to + focus attention upon "Gift of God," which, whatever its length, + is an admirable and distinguished piece of writing. The subject + of it is the old question of mixed-marriage, but treated from a + new aspect. <i>Kudah Bux</i> (the Gift in question) is the son + of an adoring Mohamedan father; he goes to England for + education in the law, and there falls in love with and marries + the brainless daughter of a London landlady. He is a very human + and appealing figure. The debacle that follows his return to + India with so impossible a bride is told in a way that + convinces. Here Mrs. PERRIN is at her best. Some of the shorter + tales also succeed very happily in conveying that peculiar + Simla-by-South-Kensington atmosphere of retired Anglo-Indian + society which she suggests with such intimate understanding. + But, to be honest, the others (with the exception of one quaint + little comedy of a canine ghost) are but indifferent stuff, too + full of snakes and hidden treasure and general + tawdriness—the kind of Orientalism, in fact, that one + used to associate chiefly with the Earl's Court Exhibition. + Mrs. PERRIN must not mingle her genuine native goods with such + Brummagem ware.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>My idea is that when Mr. H.C. BAILEY called his latest story + <i>The Young Lovers</i> (METHUEN) he was doing it something + less than justice. For the width and variety of the plot make + it far more than a mere love-tale. <i>Arma virique</i> are + quite as much Mr. BAILEY'S theme as Cupid, who indeed makes a + rather belated appearance at the tag end. Before that we have a + vast deal of agreeable adventuring. The scene is set in the + period of the Peninsular War; all the characters, lovers, + parents and hangers-on, are more or less involved in the + fluctuating fortunes of my Lord WELLINGTON. There are spies of + both sides, intrigues, abductions and what not. Mr. BAILEY has + a pretty touch for such matters; his people move with an air; + and, if at times their speech seems a trifle over-burnished, + dulness is far from them. Moreover, the incidents of the + campaign give scope for some vivid descriptions of war and + battles, as such were in the old days before Mars put off his + gold lace and sacrificed the picturesque. Sometimes, on the + other hand, it is the similarity of conditions then and now + that will strike you. For example, the passage telling how, + despite apparent inactivity and home prognostications of + stalemate, the confidence of the Army grew from day to + day—impossible not to see the very obvious parallel + there. In fine, Mr. BAILEY has given us another brisk and + engaging romance, which, if it is not quite the kind you might + expect from its title, is something a good deal better worth + reading.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Fort Worth, Texas.—Poolville, Parker county, near + here, has raised $1,246.50 as a reward for the delivery of + the German emperor into the hands of the American + authorities."—<i>Buffalo Courier</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>On reading this item HINDENBURG is reported to have said + that if Poolville would make it even money he would think about + it.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/390.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/390.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h3>A HITHERTO UNPUBLISHED INCIDENT IN THE HISTORY OF + ANCIENT ROME.</h3>SEQUEL TO THE WARNING GIVEN BY THE + PATRIOTIC GEESE. + </div> + <br /> + <br /> +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11425 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/11425-h/images/375.png b/11425-h/images/375.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1c84ad4 --- /dev/null +++ b/11425-h/images/375.png diff --git a/11425-h/images/377.png b/11425-h/images/377.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4a5cdb0 --- /dev/null +++ b/11425-h/images/377.png diff --git a/11425-h/images/378.png b/11425-h/images/378.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..98d010d --- /dev/null +++ b/11425-h/images/378.png diff --git a/11425-h/images/379.png b/11425-h/images/379.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bbb63b3 --- /dev/null +++ b/11425-h/images/379.png diff --git a/11425-h/images/381.png b/11425-h/images/381.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..24e437d --- /dev/null +++ b/11425-h/images/381.png diff --git a/11425-h/images/382.png b/11425-h/images/382.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9856d95 --- /dev/null +++ b/11425-h/images/382.png diff --git a/11425-h/images/383.png b/11425-h/images/383.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e53539f --- /dev/null +++ b/11425-h/images/383.png diff --git a/11425-h/images/384-1.png b/11425-h/images/384-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8b20416 --- /dev/null +++ b/11425-h/images/384-1.png diff --git a/11425-h/images/384-2.png b/11425-h/images/384-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dd84a5a --- /dev/null +++ b/11425-h/images/384-2.png diff --git a/11425-h/images/385.png b/11425-h/images/385.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..14f3161 --- /dev/null +++ b/11425-h/images/385.png diff --git a/11425-h/images/386.png b/11425-h/images/386.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7f456e6 --- /dev/null +++ b/11425-h/images/386.png diff --git a/11425-h/images/387.png b/11425-h/images/387.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e915ef5 --- /dev/null +++ b/11425-h/images/387.png diff --git a/11425-h/images/389.png b/11425-h/images/389.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..90f293d --- /dev/null +++ b/11425-h/images/389.png diff --git a/11425-h/images/390.png b/11425-h/images/390.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..92e4358 --- /dev/null +++ b/11425-h/images/390.png |
