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diff --git a/11359-0.txt b/11359-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b57ff1a --- /dev/null +++ b/11359-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1913 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11359 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11359-h.htm or 11359-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/3/5/11359/11359-h/11359-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/3/5/11359/11359-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 156. + +FEBRUARY 26, 1919 + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +"GERMANY," says Count RANTZAU, "cannot be treated as a second-rate +nation." Not while it is represented by tenth-rate noblemen. + + *** + +People are now asking who the General is who has threatened not to +write a book about the War? + + *** + +On Sunday week, at Tallaght, Co. Dublin, seven men attacked a +policeman. The campaign for a brighter Sunday is evidently not +wanted in Ireland. + + *** + +The United States Government is sending a Commission to investigate +industrial conditions in the British Isles. Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, we +understand, has courteously offered to try to keep one or two +industries going until the Commission arrives. + + *** + +"Everything that happened more than a fortnight ago," says Mr. GEORGE +BERNARD SHAW in _The Daily News_, "always is forgotten in this land +of political trifling." We must draw what comfort we can from the +reflection that Mr. SHAW himself happened more than a fortnight ago. + + *** + +"Margarine," says an official notice, "can be bought anywhere +after to-day." This is not the experience of the man who entered +an ironmonger's shop and asked for a couple of feet of it. + + *** + +A woman who threatened to murder a neighbour was fined one shilling at +Chertsey. We shudder to think what it would have cost her if she had +actually carried out her threat. + + *** + +A contemporary refers to "those abominable face-masks" now being worn +in London. Can this be a revival of the late Mr. RICHARDSON'S campaign +against the wearing of whiskers? + + *** + +"A Court of Justice is not a place of amusement," said Mr. Justice +ROCHE at Manchester Assizes. Mr. Justice DARLING'S rejoinder is +eagerly awaited. + + *** + +We are informed by "Hints for the Home," that "Salsify may be lifted +during the next few days." So may Susan, if you don't watch out. + + *** + +So many safes have been stolen from business premises in London that +one enterprising man has hit upon the novel idea of putting a notice +on his safe, "Not to be Taken Away." + + *** + +A sapper of the Royal Engineers who climbed the steeple of a parish +church and reached the clock told the local magistrates that he wanted +to see the dial. That, of course, is no real excuse in these days of +cheap wrist-watches. + + *** + +By order of the Local Government Board influenza has been made a +notifiable disease. We sincerely hope that this will be a lesson to +it. + + *** + +An evening paper suggests that the Albert Hall should be purchased by +the nation. We understand, however, that our contemporary has been +forestalled by a gentleman who has offered to take it on the condition +that a bathroom (h. and c.) is added. + + *** + +A correspondent writes to a paper to ask if it is necessary to have a +licence to play the cornet in the streets. All that is necessary, we +understand, is a strong constitution and indomitable pluck. + + *** + +We are asked to deny the foolish allegation that several M.P.s only +went into Parliament because they couldn't get sleeping accommodation +elsewhere. + + *** + +In connection with the rush for trains on the Underground, an official +is reported to have said that things would be much better if everybody +undertook not to travel during the busiest hours. + + *** + +An American journal advertises a lighthouse for sale. It is said to +be just the thing for tall men in search of a seaside residence. + + *** + +The policeman who told the Islington bus-driver to take off his +influenza mask is going on as well as can be expected. + + *** + +Pwllheli Town Council is reported to have refused the offer of a +German gun as a trophy. The Council is apparently piqued because it +was not asked in the first instance whether it wanted a war at all. + + *** + +All Metropolitan police swords have been called in. We decline to +credit the explanation that, in spite of constant practice, members +of the force, kept cutting their mouths. + + *** + +French politicians are advocating the giving of an additional vote for +each child in the family. In France, it will be remembered, the clergy +are celibate. + + *** + +"We are looking for the ideal omnibus," says an official of the +L.G.O.C. We had no idea that they had lost it. Meanwhile their other +omnibus continues to cause a good deal of excitement as it flashes +by. + + *** + +"Buildings occupied by the League of Nations," says _The Daily Mail_, +"are to enjoy the benefits of extraterritoriality." It sounds a lot, +but we were afraid it was going to be something much more expensive +than that. + + *** + +"In a month," says a news item, "fourteen abandoned babies have been +found in London." Debauched, no doubt, by the movies. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MORNING AFTER THE BURGLARY. "AND HE'S LEFT THE +LIGHT ON!"] + + * * * * * + +A STRIKING ADVERTISEMENT. + + "Negib Fahmy, Assistant Goods Manager Egyptian State Railways, + was attacked by a discharged railway poster a short time + ago."--_Egyptian Gazette_. + + * * * * * + + "On Sunday morning the engine of the Paris-Marseilles express on + arriving at the Gare de Lyon mounted the platform and only came + to a standstill in front of the buffet."--_Times_. + +Machinery nowadays exhibits almost human intelligence. + + * * * * * + + "BOURNEMOUTH.--Delicate or Chronic Lady received in + charming house."--_British Weekly_. + +In the new army a gentleman may be "temporary;" but once a lady always +a lady. + + * * * * * + +THE HUN AS IDEALIST. + + A guileless nation, very soft of heart, + Keen to embrace the whole wide world as brothers, + Anxious to do our reasonable part + In reparation of the sins of others, + We note with pained surprise + How little we are loved by the Allies. + + What if the Fatherland was led astray + From homely paths, the scene, of childlike gambols, + Lured to pursue Ambition's naughty way + (And incidentally make earth a shambles), + All through a wicked Kaiser-- + Are they, for that blind fault, to brutalize her? + + Just when we hoped the past was clean forgot, + They want us to restore their goods and greenery! + They want us to replace upon the spot + The "theft" (oh, how unfair!) of that machinery; + By which our honest labours + Might have secured the markets of our neighbours! + + Bearing the cross for other people's, crime, + Eager to purge the wrong by true repentance, + When to a purer air we fain would climb, + How can we do it under such a sentence? + Is this the law of Love, + Supposed to animate the Blessed Dove? + + Oh, not for mere material loss alone, + Not for our trade, reduced to pulp, we whimper, + But for our dashed illusions we make moan, + Our spiritual aims grown limp and limper, + Our glorious aspirations + Touching a really noble League of Nations. + + So, like a phantom dawn, it fades to dark, + This vision of a world made new and better; + And he whose heavenly notes recalled the lark + Soaring, in air without an earthly fetter-- + WILSON is gone, the mystic, + Whose views, like ours, were so idealistic! + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +GOOD-BYE TO THE AUXILIARY PATROL. + +I.--THE SHIP. + +When it was announced that we were to be paid off and that the gulls +and porpoises that help to make the Dogger Bank the really jolly place +it is would know us no more, there was, I admit, a certain amount of +subdued jubilation on board. It is true that the Mate and the Second +Engineer fox-trotted twice round the deck and into the galley, where +they upset a ship's tin of gravy; and the story that the Trimmer, his +complexion liberally enriched with oil and coaldust, embraced the +Lieutenant and excitedly hailed the Skipper by his privy pseudonym +of "Plum-face," cannot be lightly discredited; but at the same time +I think each one of us felt a certain twinge of regret. Life in the +future apart from our trawler seemed impossible, almost absurd. +Pacificists must have known a similar feeling on Armistice day. + +Although to the outsider one trawler may look very like another, to +us who know them personally they differ in character and have their +little idiosyncrasies no less than other people. Some are quite surly +and obstinate, others good-humoured and light-hearted; where one +exhibits all the stately dignity of a College head-porter another may +be as skittish and full of fun as a magistrate on the Bench. There was +one trawler at our base so vain that they could never get her to enter +the lockpits until her decks had been scrubbed and a string of bunting +hoisted at the foremast. It is surprising. + +Taking her all in all our trawler was a good sort, one of the best. +When steaming head to wind in a heavy sea she certainly shipped an +amazing quantity of water, and even in a comparative calm she would +occasionally fling an odd bucketful or so of North Sea down the neck +or into the sea-boots of the unwary; but it was only her sense of fun. +She took particular delight in playing it on a new member of the crew; +it made him feel at home. + +She was not what you would call a really clean ship--as the Skipper +said, if you washed your hands one day they were just as bad again +the next--but anyone who makes a fuss over a trifle like that is no +true-born sailorman. We all loved her and were proud of her speed, +for she could make nine knots at a push. Even the Second Engineer, who +had been a fireman in the Wilson line, was moved to admit in a moment +of admiration that she didn't do so badly for a floating pig-trough, +which was no meagre praise from a man with such a past. + +She was a touchy ship, quick to resent and avenge a slight on her +good name. We had a strange Lieutenant one trip who came from a depot +ship at Southampton and wore a monocle. He was rather sore at having +to exchange a responsible harbour billet for the command of a mere +sea-going trawler, and expressed the opinion that there might be more +disgustingly dirty ships afloat than ours, but if so they were not +allowed out during official daylight; We felt her quiver from stem to +stern with rage. She took her revenge that evening as the Lieutenant +was coming aft for tea. It was a floppy sea and he unwisely ventured +along the windward side of the casing, and she seized her opportunity. +The Mate picked him up out of the scuppers and we dried his clothes +over the boilers, but the monocle was never seen again. The crew were +not so sympathetic as they might have been; they felt that he had +asked for it. + +But, though her personal beauty would not have been unrivalled at a +Cowes Regatta and her somewhat erratic motions were not calculated to +bring balm to the soul of an unseasoned mariner, she was a faithful +ship, and no one could ever question her courage. At the sight of a +hostile periscope she used positively to see red, and she once steamed +across a mine-field without turning a hatch-cover. Throughout her +naval career she was a credit to the White Ensign and bravely upheld +the proud traditions of her ancestors. + +She is to be handed back to her owners and will presumably return to +the more peaceful occupation of deep-sea fishing. It will be strange +to think of her still labouring away out there on the Nor'-East Rough +whilst we who have shared her trials so long are following once more +the less arduous ways of the land. If she prove as eager in the +pursuit of her undersea quarry as she was on the trail of the U-Boat I +would not change places with the cod and haddocks of the North Sea for +the prize-money of an Admiral. Good luck to her! + + * * * * * + + "[Printed upside-down: Pilot] fully qualified, wishes to obtain + appointment, with Flying School or Aircraft Firm."--_Technical + Paper_. + +Judging by his advertisement he is an expert in looping. + + * * * * * + + "Station Officer R.D. Coleman, who has been for ten years in + charge of the Lewisham station of the Metropolitan Fire Brigade + (in which he has served 282 years), retired on Tuesday last. + Sub-officer Seadden was recently the medium of presenting to him + a marble-cased timepiece and ornaments from the officers and men + of the brigade."--_Local Paper_. + +But what use will the clock be to a man for whom time obviously stands +still? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DAWN OF INTELLIGENCE IN BERLIN. + +FIRST TEUTON. "AFTER ALL IT SEEMS THAT OUR EVER-VICTORIOUS ARMY WAS +BEATEN IN THE FIELD. ARE WE DOWN-HEARTED?" + +SECOND TEUTON. "JA!"] + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +Only a few months ago our William and his trusty troop swooped upon +a couple of Bosch field batteries floundering in a soft patch on the +far side of Tournai. William afflicted their gun teams with his little +Hotchkiss gadget, then prepared to gallop them. He had unshipped his +knife and was offering his sergeant long odds on scoring first "pink," +when our two squadron trumpeters trotted out from a near-by coppice +and solemnly puffed "Cease Fire"--for all the world as if it was the +end of a field-day on the Plain and time to trot home to tea. William +was furious. + +"There y'are," he snorted. "Just because I happened to have a full +troop out for once, all my horses fit, no wire or trenches in the way, +the burst of the season ahead and the only chance I've had in four and +a-half years of doing a really artistic bit of carving they must go +and stop the ruddy War. Poo! ain't that the bally Army all over? Bah! +I've done with it." + +So he filled in the bare patches in every Demobilisation Form Z 15 he +could lay pen to. + +Taking the proud motto of the MOND dynasty--"Make yourself +necessary"--for guide, he became something different every day in his +quest after an "Essential Trade." He was in turn a one-man-business, a +railway-porter, a coal-miner, a farmer, a NORTHCLIFFE leader-writer, a +taxi-baron, a jazz-professor and a non-union barber. At one moment he +was single, an orphan alone and unloved; at another he had a drunken +wife, ten consumptive young children and several paralytic old parents +to support. All to no avail; nobody would believe him. + +Then one day he heard from a friend who by the simple expedient of +posing as a schoolmaster for a few minutes was now in "civvies" and +getting three days' hunting and four days' golf a week. + +William grabbed up yet another A.F. Z 15, and dedicated his life to +the intellectual uplift of the young. + +This time he drew a reply and by return. + +Corps H.Q. held the view that he, William, was the very fellow they +had been looking for, longing for, praying for. They had him appointed +Regimental Educational Officer (without increase of rank, pay or +allowances) on the spot, and would he get on with it, please, and +indent through them for any materials required in the furtherance of +the good work? + +William was furious. Confound the Staff! What did the blighted +red-tape-worms take him for? A blithering pedagogue in cap, gown +and horn spectacles? He kicked the only sound chair in the Mess to +splinters, cursed for two hours and sulked for twenty-four. After +which childish display he pulled himself together and indented on +Corps Educational Branch for four hundred treatises on elementary +Arabic, Arabic being the sole respectable subject in which he was +even remotely competent to instruct. + +Corps H.Q. tore up his indent. It was absurd, they said, to +suppose that the entire regiment intended emigrating to Arabia on +demobilisation. William must get in touch with the men and find out +what practical everyday trades they were anxious to take up. + +William was furious. "Isn't that the rotten Staff all over?" he fumed. +"Make an earnest and conscientious effort to give the poor soldiers a +leg-up with a vital, throbbing, commercial and classical _patois_ and +the brass-bound perishers choke you off! Poo-bah! Na poo!" + +Then he pulled himself together again and indented on Corps +Educational Branch once more, this time for "Lions; menagerie; one." +Corps came down on William like St. Paul's Cathedral falling down +Ludgate Hill. What the thunder did he mean by it? Trying to be funny +with them, was he? He must explain himself instantly--Grrrr! + +William was very calm. Couldn't understand what all this unseemly, +uproar was about, he wrote. Everything was in order. Obeying their +esteemed instructions to the letter he had made inquiries among the +men as to what practical everyday trades they were wishful to learn, +and, finding one stout fellow who was very anxious to enter public +life as a lion-tamer, he had indented for a lion for the chap to +practise on. What could be more natural? Furthermore, while on the +subject, when they forwarded the lion, would they be so good as to +include a muzzle in the parcel, as he thought it would be as well to +have some check on the creature during the preliminary lessons. + +Corps H.Q.'s reply to this was brief and witty. They instructed the +Adjutant to cast William under arrest. + +William was furious. PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +From a speech at a St. Andrew's Day dinner:-- + + "The Navy have but recently had a partial reward in the + unparralleled spectacle of the surrender of the bulk of the + German fleet which run lies swigly in Scotish waters, which + now lies snugly, as is meet and fittinf, in Scottish for ever. + Loud cheers."--_South American Paper_. + +It is inferred that the printer was at the dinner. + + * * * * * + +PRINCESS CHARMING. + +Once upon a time there was a Royal christening. + +It was a very grand christening and the highest in the land were among +the assembled guests. There was more than one Royal Personage present, +and many lords and ladies and ambassadors and plenipotentiaries and +all manner of dignified and imposing people. + +For it was a real Princess that was being christened, which is a thing +that does not occur every day in the year. + +Quite a number of fairies were there too. Fairies are very fond of +christenings, and there are always a good many of them about on these +occasions. + +They were very lavish in their gifts. + +One gave the baby beauty; another gave her a sweet and gentle +disposition; another, charm of manner; a fourth, a quick and +intelligent mind. She really was a very fortunate baby, so many +and so varied were the gifts bestowed upon her by the fairy folk. + +Last of all came the Fairy Queen. + +She arrived late, having come on from a coster's wedding in the East +End of London, a good many miles away. + +She was rather breathless and her crown was a little on one side, +indeed her whole appearance was a trifle dishevelled. + +"Oh, my dear," she murmured to her chief lady-in-waiting as she +bustled lightly up the aisle, "I've had such a time. It was a charming +wedding. The tinned-salmon was delicious, and there were winkles--and +gin. I only just tasted the gin, of course, for luck, you know, +but really it was very good. I had no idea--And there was a real +barrel-organ, and we danced in the street. The bride had the most +lovely ostrich feathers. The bridegroom was a perfect dear. I kissed +him: I kissed everyone, I think. We all did ... Now what about this +baby?" For by this time they had reached that part of the church where +the ceremony was taking place. "I suppose you've already given her +most of the nice things?" + +The lady-in-waiting rapidly enumerated the fairy-gifts which the +fairies had bestowed upon the child. + +The Queen looked at the baby. + +"What a darling!" she said; "I must give her something very nice." She +hovered a moment over the child's head, "She shall marry the man of +her choice," she said, "and live happily ever after." + +There was a little stir among the fairies. The lady-in-waiting laid +her hand on the Queen's arm. + +"I'm afraid Your Majesty has forgotten," she said; "this is a Royal +Baby." + +"Well," said the Queen, "what of that?" + +"You know we rather make it a rule not to interfere in these matters +in the case of Royalty," said the lady-in-waiting. "We generally +leave it to the family. You see they usually prefer to make their own +arrangements. There are reasons. We can give a great deal, but we +can't do _everything_. Besides, it would hardly be fair. They have +so many advantages--" + +The Fairy Queen looked round at all the people who were assembled +in the church; she had indeed forgotten for the moment what a very +important occasion this was. Then she looked at the baby. + +"I don't care," she said, "I don't care. She's a darling, and she +_shall_ marry the man of her heart. I'm sure it will be someone nice. +You'll see, it'll be all right." + +She kissed the baby's forehead, and the little Princess opened wide +her blue eyes and smiled. Several people; noticed it. + +"Did you see the baby smile at the Bishop?" they said to one another +afterwards. But then, you see, nobody but the baby could see the Fairy +Queen. + +The other fairies were still a little perturbed. They shook their +heads doubtfully and whispered to one another as they floated out of +the church. It wasn't done. + +"If only she had made it a King's son," the chief lady-in-waiting +muttered to herself. "That would have made it so much better. But 'the +man of her choice'--so very vague." + +The Fairy Queen, however, was quite happy. She laughed at the solemn +faces of her retinue. + +"You'll see," she repeated, "it will be quite all right." And she flew +gaily off to Fairyland. + + * * * * * + +This isn't a fairy story at all. That's the nicest part about it. It +all really happened. And the real name of the Princess--Oh, but I +needn't tell you that. _Everybody_ knows who Princess Charming is. +R.F. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lieut. X._ (_in Paris for the Peace Conference_). +"VOUS FEREZ LE POLISSON AVEC UN PEU DE LINGERIE."] + + * * * * * + +Letter received at a Demobilisation office:-- + + "I have Certified that I Pte. ---- as got Urgent on the LNWR + Curzan St goods as also taken a Weeks Notice from Feburary 2nd + to 9th to Leave Colours on His Magesties forces and allso beg + to Resign. Signed Pte. ----." + +Private ---- was evidently taking no chances. + + * * * * * + +THE 1930 FLYING SCANDAL. + +_To the Editor of "The Wireless News." 1st June, 1930_. + +Dear Sir,--I wish to protest through your columns against the +outrageous behaviour of the drivers of public air conveyances on the +Brighton Front. + +Yesterday I and other passengers boarded a ramshackle aero-à-banc +(the floor of which was covered with musty straw) with the intention +of having a "joy-trip" to Rottingdean. The fare was two shillings and +sixpence. We had not mounted five hundred feet into the air before the +driver yelled to us, "Nah then, another 'arf-a-chrahn all rahnd or +I'll loop the loop." We were forced to comply with the demand of this +highwayman of the atmospheric thoroughfares; but on alighting I took +the first opportunity of giving his number to a policeman. + +One sighs for the old-fashioned courtesy of the taxi-cab driver of +another decade. + +Yours, etc., CONSTANT READER. + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL ALTRUISM. + + "Why not give your jaded palate a new pleasure? 'Impossible!' you + say. This is so, if you smoke Our Tobacco, otherwise not nearly + so impossible as you think."--_Port Elizabeth Paper_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Farmer_ (_contemplating new hand_). "WELL, AT ALL +EVENTS HE DON'T SEEM TO BE INFECTED WITH THIS HERE LABOUR UNREST."] + + * * * * * + +THE ARK. + + [The Dean of LINCOLN is reported to have informed the Lower House + of Convocation that he "simply did not believe" in the Biblical + episode of the Ark.] + + The dangerous voyage at length is o'er + And she has crossed the oilcloth floor + And grounded on the woolly mat, + The wooded slopes of Ararat. + Upon this lately flooded land + It's very difficult to stand + The animals in double row, + When some have lost a leg or so; + A book is best to carry those + Who still feel sea-sick in their toes. + For NOAH and his sons and wives + This is the moment of their lives; + They walk together up and down + In stiff wide hat and dressing-gown, + Well pleased to greet the dove once more, + Who landed safe the day before. + + You recollect that day of rain, + Of drumming roof, of streaming pane, + How, just before the hour of tea, + A great light bathed the nursery; + And you those tiresome tresses shook + Back from your eyes and whispered, "Look!" + The day-lost sun was sinking low, + Filling the world with after-glow; + We saw together, you and I, + A rainbow right across the sky. + + * * * * * + + Though years divide us, old and grey, + From childhood's distant yesterday; + In spite of unbelieving Deans + We still know what a rainbow means. + + * * * * * + +MUSICAL GOSSIP FROM THE GERMAN FRONT. + +"For the last twenty years," writes M. JEAN-AUBRY, a distinguished +French musical critic, "the temple of German music has been no longer +at Bonn, or Weimar, or Munich, or Bayreuth, but at Essen. The modern +German orchestra, with Strauss and Mahler, was concerned more with the +preoccupations of artillery and the siege-train than with those of +real music. It desired to become a rival of Krupp." + +These remarks are borne out in a remarkable way by the latest news +of STRAUSS. It has always been very difficult to obtain precise +intelligence about his works, owing to his notorious aversion from +publicity, and we accordingly give this information with all reserve, +simply for what it is worth. It is to the effect that, while retaining +the parts for three Minenwerfen in his new Battle Symphony, he has +been obliged to re-score one movement in which four "Big Berthas" were +prominently engaged, owing to the impossibility of securing any of +these instruments since the Armistice. He has, however, with admirable +resource substituted parts for four influenza microbes. There are no +French horns in the score, but by way of showing a conciliatory spirit +to the British army of occupation he has introduced in the _Finale_ +an adaptation of a well-known patriotic song, which is marked on the +margin, "_Die W.A.A.C. am Rhein_." + + * * * * * + +"HIGH LIFE BELOW STAIRS." + + "Tablemaid (upper), elderly Countess; Scotland, England; + good wage."--_Scotsman_. + + * * * * * + + "ANGLING. + + "LOCH TAY.--KILLIN.--Mr. C.B. ----, London, had on Beans and + pease quiet and unchanged. Feeding offals 17th one salmon, + 27 lb."--_Scotsman_. + +But are these lures quite sportsmanlike? + + * * * * * + +From a "table of contents":-- + + "SPECIAL ARTICLES. + + "The German 'Soul'--To Rise Like a Phoenix ... 10 + Rats ........................................ 10" + + _Glasgow Herald_. + +Agreed; or, as they say in the House of Lords, "the Contents have it." + + * * * * * + +KISMET. + +Those old comrades, Sergeant Kippy and Gunner Toady, stood on the +steps of the Convalescent Home and regarded the peaceful country-side +which, in South Devon, is a sedative even in February. + +Gunner Toady had come over for the day, and Kippy, as an inhabitant of +the Home, had been exercising his prerogative of showing a guest over +the estate. During the great advance which proved to be the expiring +effort of the Hun, the Gunner had acquired a shortened leg, which +still caused him to revolt against sustained physical exertion. + +He leant upon his stick and listened while Kippy the indefatigable +drew up a programme of a further tour to some outlying buildings. + +"And you 'aven't seen the melin-'ouse," concluded that worthy, +enthusiastically waving his remaining arm in the direction of a far +shrubbery. + +"Melin-'ouses in Febuary is lugoobrious," said the Gunner; "we'll +remain at the chatoo." + +Kippy sat down on the top step. + +"Curious," he said, "to think there ain't no war on. Makes you feel +idle. Remember that day at Coolomeers (Coulommiers), when we first got +interdooced?" The Gunner nodded. "'Bout a thousand years ago that was, +an' not 'alf a beano--'orse, foot and guns; no stinks, no blinkin' +fireworks and old VON KLUCK gettin' 'ome pronto." + +"Yes," his companion said slowly, as he lowered himself to sit beside +Kippy, "that was September '14. I took my first knockout there, an' +then clicked with you again in Southmead 'Ospital at Bristol." + +"An'," Kippy took up the tale, "we come together agen at the end o' +'15 in the old salient at Wipers, an' in '16 we was foregathered on +the Somme. That's where I got my first dose of Fritz's gas. Put me in +Blighty three months, that did; an' I won the ten-stone clock-golf +putting championship of 'Ereford." + +"Yes," said the Gunner ruminatively, "we've had to handle all sorts +in this show; wy, I've played a game called Badminton with a real +princess a-jumpin' about t'other side of the net. O' course it ain't +discipline." + +"Well," said Kippy, "I got two years' service before the War. That +makes six an' a bit; and next month I shall 'ave my Mark 1919 patent +arm complete with all the latest developments and get into civvies. +Then what-o for a job o' paper-'anging." + +Gunner Toady gave a slight start, but at once passed into a state of +deep reflection. After a protracted pause he delivered his mature +judgment. "'Course," he said slowly, "I believe in wot them Mahomets +call Kismet. No gettin' away from it--" + +"Oo's Kismet?" interrupted Kippy. + +"It's me and you gettin' mixed up so intimate over 'arf o' France and +the 'ole o' Flanders. Like two needles in a blinkin' 'aystack clickin' +every time--an' 'taint as if the Gunners dossed down reglar with the +Line either. An' now you talks about paper-'anging." + +Gunner Toady paused impressively and continued, "Now you'd 'ardly +believe it, but before I joined the reg'ment in '09 I was a +master-plasterer workin' in Fulham." + +"Lumme!" exclaimed Kippy, "wy, I was at Putney then, and I only 'eard +the other day that there's a nice little _apray-lar-gur_ connection +to be worked up at Walham Green. 'Ow about callin' ourselves 'Messrs. +Toady and Kippy, Decorators'?'" + +"That's what it means," said the senior partner. "It's Kismet right +enough, and there ain't no gettin' away from it." + +"And we might add," said Kippy, with a touch of inspiration--"we might +add, 'Late Contractors to His Majesty's Goverment.'" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HOW WAS IT YOU NEVER LET YOUR MOTHER KNOW YOU'D WON +THE V.C.?" + +"IT WASNA MA TURRN TAE WRITE."] + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, by middle-aged Lady, position of trust, Housekeeper, + Companion, widower, lady, priest."--_Irish Paper_. + +We suppose it is all right, but a hasty reader might well take it for +another sex problem. + + * * * * * + +THE TWO VISITS, 1888, 1919. + +("_DISPERSAL AREAS, 10A, 10B, 10C--CRYSTAL PALACE._") + + It was, I think, in '88 + That Luck or Providence or Fate + Assumed the more material state + Of Aunt (or Great-Aunt) Alice, + And took (the weather being fine + And Bill, the eldest, only nine) + Three of us by the Brighton line + To see the Crystal Palace. + + Observe us, then, an eager four + Advancing on the Western Door + Or possibly the Northern, or-- + Well, anyhow, advancing; + Aunt Alice bending from the hips, + And Bill in little runs and trips, + And John with frequent hops and skips, + While I was fairly dancing. + + Aunt Alice pays; the turnstile clicks, + And with the happy crowds we mix + To gaze upon--well, I was six, + Say, getting on for seven; + And, looking back on it to-day, + The memories have passed away-- + I find that I can only say + (Roughly) to gaze on heaven. + + Heaven it was which came to pass + Within those magic walls of glass + (Though William, like a silly ass, + Had lost my bag of bull's-eyes). + The wonders of that wonder-hall! + The--all the things I can't recall, + And, dominating over all, + The statues, more than full-size. + + Adam and Niobe were there, + DISRAELI much the worse for wear, + Samson before he'd cut his hair, + Lord BYRON and Apollo; + A female group surrounded by + A camel (though I don't know why)-- + And all of them were ten feet high + And all, I think, were hollow. + + These gods looked down on us and smiled + To see how utterly a child + By simple things may be beguiled + To happiness and laughter; + It warmed their kindly hearts to see + The joy of Bill and John and me + From ten to lunch, from lunch to tea, + From tea to six or after. + + That evening, when the day was dead, + They tucked a babe of six in bed, + Arranged the pillows for his head, + And saw the lights were shaded; + Too sleepy for the Good-night kiss + His only conscious thought was this: + "No man shall ever taste the bliss + That I this blesséd day did." + + When one is six one cannot tell; + And John, who at the Palace fell + A victim to the Blondin Belle, + Is wedded to another; + And I, my intimates allow, + Have lost the taste for bull's-eyes now, + And baldness decorates the brow + Of Bill, our elder brother. + + Well, more than thirty years have passed.... + But all the same on Thursday last + My heart was beating just as fast + Within that Hall of Wonder; + My bliss was every bit as great + As what it was in '88-- + Impossible to look sedate + Or keep my feelings under. + + The gods of old still gazed upon + The scene where, thirty years agone, + The lines of Bill and me and John + Were cast in pleasant places; + And "Friends," I murmured, "what's the odds + If you are rather battered gods? + This is no time for Ichabods + And _eheu_--er--_fugaces_." + + Ah, no; I did not mourn the years' + Fell work upon those poor old-dears, + Nor PITT nor Venus drew my tears + And set me slowly sobbing; + I hailed them with a happy laugh + And slapped old Samson on the calf, + And asked a member of the staff + For "Officers Demobbing." + + That evening, being then dispersed, + I swear (as I had sworn it first + When three of us went on the burst + With Aunt, or Great-Aunt, Alice), + "Although one finds, as man or boy, + A thousand pleasures to enjoy, + For happiness without alloy + Give me the Crystal Palace!" + A.A.M. + + * * * * * + +COAL-DUST. + +"Had a good day?" said Frederic cheerily, stamping the snow off his +boots as I met him at the front-door. + +"That depends," I said, "on what you call a good day." + +"You haven't been dull?" said Frederic. + +"Oh, no," I said, indicating the comforting blaze as I pushed +Frederic's chair to the fire; "behold the result of my day's labours +in your behalf. Your hot bath and hot breakfast, dear, were just +camouflage to keep from you, the centre of gravity, our desperate +straits. When I went to give Cook her orders this morning I found her +as black as a sweep and in a mood to correspond. She pointed to a few +lumps of coal in the kitchen scuttle and said, 'I've sifted all that +dust in the cellar, Ma'am, and these are the only lumps I could find. +There's only enough to cook one more dinner.'" + +"My dear girl," said Frederic, "why wait till there is no coal before +ordering more?" + +"Hear me," I cried. "A fortnight ago I ordered some. The man asked, +'Have you _any_ coal?' I said I had a little. He said, 'You are lucky +to have _any_. Dozens of people have no coal at all. I can promise +nothing.' + +"A week ago I went again. 'Have you _any_ coal?' he asked. 'Still a +very little,' I said faintly. 'Hundreds of people,' he said, 'have no +coal at all, I can promise you _nothing_.' + +"'Well, after I had spent an hour this morning distributing whiffy +oil-lamps all over the house, I went again to the coal merchant. He +froze me with a look. 'When can you send in my coal?' I tried to say +it jauntily, but my teeth chattered. 'Have you _no_ coal?' he said, +and his frigid eye pierced me. 'O-o-only a little dust, which, has +been at the bottom of the cellar for two years--drawing-room coal +dust,' I added eagerly, 'which cannot be used on the kitchen fire.' +'You are lucky,' he said, 'to have that. There are thousands of people +in this town with no coal at all. We can promise you nothing.' + +"I came home, and after luncheon, donning my Red Cross uniform, I told +Mary that if people called she could show them into the coal-cellar, +where I should be; and, armed with a garden-fork, I proceeded thither +and dug diligently for a whole hour. I know now exactly why a hen +clucks when she has laid an egg. Every time I found a lump--and I +found as many as six--I simply had to call Cook and Mary to come and +see." + +"What fun!" murmured Frederic comfortably. + +"I venture to suggest, dear, that the thing is beyond a joke. When I +next go to the coal-monger's I shall say in reply to the inevitable +question, 'A little coal-dust in the cellar and a good deal on the +chairs and tables and on my hands and face;' and I know he will say: +'You are lucky to have even that. There are millions in this town who, +etc., etc.' And so the thing will go on until one day he asks, 'Have +you no fuel at all?' when I can hear myself replying, 'Only two chairs +and one wardrobe,' and he will reply icily, 'You are lucky to have +that. Everybody else is dead because they had not even that.' + +"And Frederic," I added abruptly, "as a coal-miner I demand the +minimum wage for my day--your hot bath to-morrow morning." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MORNING IN THE HOME LIFE OF AN EMOTIONAL ACTRESS.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "MY DEAR, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO THE LINKS TO-DAY?" + +"OH, YES, AUNTIE. I SHALL TRY AND PUT IN A ROUND." + +"BUT IT'S _POURING_! WHY, I WOULDN'T SEND A DOG OUT TO GOLF IN SUCH +WEATHER."] + + * * * * * + +DEMOBILISATION. + +THE SITUATION MADE CLEAR. + +"It is quite clear," said the Adjutant, "that Second-Lieut. X must +stay." + +"Of course," said the G.O.C. Demobs, or, as he is more often called, +"Mobbles." "He stays because he doesn't go." + +"Yes," said the Adjutant's child full, like the elephant's child, of +insatiable curiosity, "X stays because he is retained for selection +until he is selected for retention, or, to put it more clearly, he +belongs to a class which could go if it had any reason for going and +if it wanted to go and wasn't retained as eligible or wasn't eligible +for retention. In other words he is in one of the two classes--those +who are available to go and those who are eligible to stay." + +"Or, conversely," said Mobbles, "those who are available to stay and +those who are eligible to go." + +"Exactly," said the Adjutant; "but which?" + +"The other," said the Adjutant's child. "Now, if he was only in the +same boat as Y, the position would be different. Y is here because, +though eligible for release, he is available for retention." + +"The problem appeared quite simple at first," said the Adjutant, "but +now you've made it all muddy." + +"It is simply this," said Mobbles; "is he eligible for retention or +merely available for release? If the former, is he available for +demobilisation, and if the latter, is he eligible for retention? No; +what I mean is just this--Is he here or is he--No; I'll start again. +Is he retained, and if not why not?" + +"Exactly," said the Adjutant's child. "Is he under' thirty-seven, and +if so why was he born in 1874, or, to put it quite clearly--" + +"Shut up," said the Adjutant. "I want to get it clear before you +confuse me again. We'll start afresh. X is eligible to go because +he joined the Army before 1916. On the other hand, being under +thirty-seven, he must stay." + +"That must, I think, be wrong," said Mobbles. + +"Quite," said the Adjutant's child. + +"Well, then, put it in another way," said the Adjutant. "X can't be +demobilised because there is no reason for his going, and he can't +stay because there is no authority for retaining him. In other words, +to put it quite clearly, as he is being retained he can't go, and as +he is being demobilised he isn't to be retained. Do I make myself +clear?" + +"Quite," said the Adjutant's child. + +Mobbles was beyond speech and busily engaged in working it out on +paper in decimals. + +There was, a knock at the door; a signaller brought a wire, "Report +immediately position of Second-Lieut. X." + +There was a moment's silence as the Adjutant grasped a message-pad +and thought deeply what to say. He wrote a few lines and then looked +up. "This is what I have said: 'Second-Lieut. X staying if retained, +but available to go if eligible; also eligible for retention if +available.' Am I clear?" + +"Quite," said the Adjutant's child. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ENGLAND EXPECTS. + +{WITH MR. PUNCH'S BEST HOPES FOR THE SUCCESS OF THE NATIONAL +INDUSTRIAL CONFERENCE.} + +BOTH LIONS (_together_). "UNACCUSTOMED AS I AM TO LIE DOWN WITH +ANYTHING BUT A LAMB, STILL, FOR THE PUBLIC GOOD...."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, February 17th_.--On the motion for the rejection of the +Bill to relieve Ministers from the necessity of re-election, Mr. +PEMBERTON-BILLING incidentally revealed the horrifying fact that +he has compiled another Black Book, containing a full list of the +PRIME MINISTER'S election pledges. They do not quite come up to the +notorious figure of 47,000; but they total 1,211, which seems enough +to go on with, and they are all "cross-referenced." + +More serious, from the Government's point of view, was the criticism +of some of their regular supporters. Lord WINTERTON, speaking as an +old Member of the House--though he still looks youthful enough to +be its "baby," as he was fifteen years ago--affirmed the value of +by-elections as a gauge for public opinion; Major GRAEME, one of the +new Coalitionists, thought it would be a mistake to part with a means +of testing the record of a Ministry which the War has "swollen to the +size of a Sanhedrim." + +As the soft answers of the ATTORNEY-GENERAL--whom the late Mr. +ROOSEVELT would have probably termed "pussy-footed"--failed to quell +the rising storm, the LEADER OF THE HOUSE bowed before it and offered +to agree to the insertion in the Bill of a time-limit. + +[Illustration: Portrait of Winston by MR. MOSELY, a promising young +artist.] + +Something had evidently annoyed Mr. DEVLIN. Whether it was the +intimation that the new Housing Bill was not to apply to Ireland +(which has had similar legislation for years past), or that in future +the out-of-work donation in that country would be confined to persons +possessing more or less right to it, or (most probably) that an +interfering Saxon had announced his intention of moving a "Call of the +House" in order to get the recalcitrant Sinn Feiners to take up their +Parliamentary duties, I do not know. At any rate the Nationalist +seized the opportunity of delivering a general attack upon the +Government of such overwhelming irrelevance that Mr. WHITLEY, the +least sarcastic of men, was driven to remark, "I think the honourable +Member is under the impression that this is last week." + +[Illustration: GOVERNMENT PROMISES. MR. PEMBERTON BILLING compiles +another Black Book.] + +I trust that Mr. CHURCHILL, who is conducting the business of the War +Office in Paris, will not read the Official Report of the debate on +the Aerial Navigation Bill. For I am sure it would be as great a shock +to him as it was to me to learn that Mr. MOSLEY (_ætat_ twenty-two) +considered him, in aviation affairs, as lacking in imagination. The +idea of anyone regarding our WINSTON as a doddering old fossil! + +_Tuesday, February 18th_.--As is usual at this period of the Session +the Lords find themselves with nothing to do, and being ineligible +for the out-of-work donation they naturally grumble. Foreman CURZON +endeavoured to pacify them with the promise of one or two little jobs +in the near future; and Lord BUCKMASTER kindly furnished them with +something to go on with by raising the topic of industrial unrest in +a speech composed in about equal measure of admirable platitudes and +highly disputable propositions. Its principal merit was to furnish the +new LORD CHANCELLOR with an occasion for delivering his maiden speech. +This he did with proper solemnity, though once he slipped into his +after-dinner style and addressed his august audience as "My Lords and +Gentlemen." His nearest approach to an epigram was the remark that +"the nation had been living on its capital and liking it." On the +whole he took a hopeful view of the situation--more so than Lord +LANSDOWNE, who expressed "the profoundest dismay" at our increasing +indebtedness. Fortunately His Lordship's gloomy prophecies have not +invariably proved correct. + +[Illustration: "JUMPING" A MEMBER'S CLAIM.] + +After Question-time in the Commons Mr. BOTTOMLEY made bitter complaint +to the SPEAKER that he had been evicted from his favourite corner-seat +by the Member for South-East St. Pancras. Mr. LOWTHER administered +chilly consolation. Those little _contretemps_ were apt to occur at +the beginning of every new Parliament; and he was not going to lay +down a hard-and-fast rule on the subject before it was necessary. + +Old Parliamentarians will remember the long-continued struggle between +Mr. GIBSON BOWLES and a colleague who was always endeavouring to +insert "the thick end of the GEDGE" into "Tommy's" favourite seat. +Mr. HOPKINS is the Member who has jumped Mr. BOTTOMLEY'S claim on the +present occasion--a fact which will recall THEODORE HOOK'S remark that +the game of leap-frog always reminded him of those famous psalmodists, +STERNHOLD and HOPKINS. + +_Wednesday, February 19th_.--According to Lord STRATHSPEY there are +thousands of men in the Army longing to take Orders in the Church +Militant, but there are no funds available for training them, and no +prospect of a living wage for them if ordained. The LORD CHANCELLOR'S +sympathetic references to the painful plight of men whose duty it was +to preach content here and hereafter will no doubt be reflected in the +administration of his not inconsiderable patronage. Fortunately or +unfortunately the clergy cannot or will not "down surplices" to +improve their condition. + +The unrest in other sections of the working-classes was further +examined from various angles. Lord RIBBLESDALE would like them to +take a greater share in the profits, and also in the "responsibilities +and vicissitudes" of industry. But this suggestion will hardly appeal +to them if, as Lord LEVERHULME declared, Labour would have made a +poor bargain if it had swapped its increased wages for all the excess +profits made during the War. Lord HALDANE'S view, as perhaps you would +expect, was that neither Capital nor Labour, but the "organised mind," +was the principal agent in producing wealth. Altogether it was an +informing debate, which the Government might do worse than reproduce +in pamphlet form for the instruction of the public. + +On the news of the attack on M. CLEMENCEAU reaching the Commons there +was a general desire that the House should pass a resolution of +sympathy. But Mr. BONAR LAW deprecated the proposal as being, in his +opinion, "against all precedent"--not a little to the surprise of some +of the new Members, who thought that in a case like this the _conseil +du précédent_ might bow to the _President du Conseil_. + +In the procedure debate a strong demand was made that a full official +report of the speeches delivered in the six Grand Committees should +be issued. But the ATTORNEY-GENERAL pointed out that everything was +already reported "except the talk," and found a powerful supporter in +Sir EDWARD CARSON, who believed that no official reports would have +any effect in keeping Ministers to their pledges. _Hansard_ is as +_Hansard_ does, is his motto. + +_Thursday, Feb. 20th_.--Every question put down costs the tax-payer, +it is calculated, a guinea. This afternoon there were no fewer than +two hundred and eighty-two of them on the Order-Paper. It would be +interesting to see what effect upon this cascade of curiosity would +be produced if every Member putting down a question were obliged to +contribute, say, ten shillings to the cost of answering it; the amount +to be deducted from his official salary. If such a rule had been +enforced in the last Parliament Mr. JOSEPH KINO, for one, would have +had no salary to draw. + +The shortage of whisky and brandy for medicinal purposes was +the subject of many indignant questions. Mr. MCCURDY, for the +FOOD-CONTROLLER, stated that it had been found impracticable to allot +supplies of spirits for this purpose, but, perhaps wisely, did not +give any reasons. Can it be that the Government, contemplating the +extension of the "all-dry" principle to this country, are anxious to +give no encouragement to the "drug-store habit"? + + * * * * * + +THE LIMIT. + +(_THE JAZZ IS REPORTED TO HAVE ABOUT SEVENTY DIFFERENT STEPS._) + + I have waltzed for half a day + In Milwaukee (U.S.A.), + I have danced at village "hops" in Transylvania; + I have can-canned all alone + In a fever-stricken zone, + And I've done the kitchen-lancers in Albania. + + I've performed the "tickle-toe" + With its forty steps or so, + I have learnt a native dance in Costa Rica; + I've fox-trotted in Stranraer, + Irish-jigged in Mullingar, + And I've danced the Dance of Death at Tanganyika. + + I have "bostoned" with the best + At a ball in Bukharest, + I've reversed with Congo pigmies, dark and hairy; + I have one-stepped in Sing-Sing + And performed the Highland Fling, + I have razzled in the reel at Inveraray. + + I have tangoed in Koran, + Danced quadrilles in Ispahan + (Though I haven't done the polka in Shiraz yet); + But I've followed in the train + Of Terpsichore in vain, + For I haven't mastered _one_ step of the Jazz yet. + + * * * * * + + "THE LEXICOGRAPHER'S EASY CHAIR. + + "In this column, to decide questions concerning the current use + of words, ----'s Dictionary is consulted as arbiter. + + "'N.H.R.,' Starkville, Miss.--'What is the meaning of the word + _Eothen_, and what is its derivation?' + + "_Eöthen_ is Greek for 'it is used' or 'accustomed,' and is the + title of a celebrated work by Alexander Kinglake."--_American + Magazine_. + +We fear that the lexicographer found his easy chair so easy that he +did not take the trouble to get out of it to consult the dictionary. + + * * * * * + +THE MIDGET. + +As a result of the competition in cheap miniature two-seater cars we +anticipate several interesting developments and take the liberty of +extracting the following items from the newspapers of the future:-- + +FOR SALE.--Small two-seater car, fit gentleman five feet eleven inches +in height. Forty-two inches round the chest. Only been worn a few +times. + +Why pay a thousand pounds for a large car when you can get the same +result with one of our hundred-pound Midget Cars? Our Midgets are +trained to make a noise like a six-seater touring car. We undertake +that you shall get the Park Lane feeling at suburban rates. Write for +a free sample, enclosing six penny stamps for postage. + +One great attraction in the Midget Car is that you need not use a rug +to throw over its bonnet in cold weather. A tea-cosy will do. + +WHAT OFFERS?--Advertiser, breaking up his collection, will sell his +stud of tame mice, two goldfish and several obsolete silkworms, or +would exchange for two-seater Midget with spanner. + +DEAR SIR.--I have a small two-seater car. It is quite a young one. At +what age can I start feeding it on greenstuff? SMITH, MINOR. + +PERSONAL.--Will the individual who was driving a Midget Car which ran +over old gentleman in the Strand be good enough to come forward and +pay for the watch-glass which he cracked? + +BE ECONOMICAL.--Our Midgets only smell the petrol. It costs no more to +run a Midget than it does to run an automatic pipe-lighter. + +_To the Midget Motor Car Company_. + +GENTLEMEN,--With reference to the Midget Car you measured me for +recently, I ought to have mentioned that I wanted patch pockets on the +outside, in which to carry the tools. Yours, etc. + +FOR SALE.--Owner whose two-seater car is a trifle tight under the arms +wishes to dispose of his pair of white spats. + + * * * * * + + "Prince Eitel Fritz has been telling the Germans that his father, + the ex-Kaiser, is now 'legally' dead. We must get rid of that + adjective without delay."--_John Bull_. + +"If you see it in _John Bull_ ..." Grammarians please note. + + * * * * * + + "CHRIST CHURCH, ----.--Wanted at once, for definitely + Protestant Evangelical Church, light-minded colleague to + share ministry."--_Record_. + +A chance for our demobilised humorists. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TRAFFIC PROBLEM. TEACHING THE YOUNG IDEA HOW +TO TUBE.] + + * * * * * + +THE MILKY MOLAR. + + ["Last week one of my back teeth dropped out in + the middle Greek."--_Schoolboy's letter_.] + + Last week at the preparatory school + Where Frederick learns how not to be a fool, + Where he disports at ease with Greek and Latin, + And mathematics too is fairly pat in-- + On Tuesday morn, the subject being Greek + (It always is on that day in the week), + Our Frederick, biting hard, as youngsters do, + Bit a Greek root and cleft it clean in two. + This was a merely metaphoric bite; + The next was fact, and gave the boy a fright: + + For lo! there came a crumbling + At the back of his mouth and a rumbling, + And a sort of sound like a grumbling, + And out there popped, as pert as you please, + A milky back tooth that had taken its ease + For too many weeks and months and years. + An object, when loose, of anxious fears, + It had now debouched and lost its place + At the back of a startled schoolboy's face. + Oh, out it popped, + And down it dropped + In the middle of Greek + Last Tuesday week. + + Yet be not afraid, my lively lad, + For you shall renew the tooth you had; + The vacant place shall be filled, you'll find, + With another back tooth of a larger kind. + But a time will come when, if you lose + A tooth, as indeed you can't but choose, + You must go about + For ever without; + And, front or back, it returns to you never; + You have lost that tooth for ever and ever. + So stick to your teeth and accept my apology + For this easy lesson in odontology. + + * * * * * + +PUNCH'S ROLL OF HONOUR. + +CAPTAIN A.W. LLOYD, 25th Royal Fusiliers, has been awarded the +Military Cross for Distinguished Service in the East African Campaign. +Before the War, for which he volunteered at once, joining the Public +Schools Battalion, Captain LLOYD illustrated the Essence of Parliament +in these pages. Mr. Punch offers him his most sincere congratulations +upon the high distinction he has won, and is delighted to know that he +is completely recovered from the severe head-wound which he received +last year. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mother_ (_to little girl who had been sent to the +hen-house for eggs_). "WELL, DEAR, WERE THERE NO EGGS?" + +_Little Girl_. "NO, MUMMIE, ONLY THE ONE THE HENS USE FOR A PATTERN."] + + * * * * * + +THE BEAUTIFUL WORDS. + +I have to tell an unvarnished tale of real and recent life in London. +When the absence of impulsive benevolence and public virtue is so +often insisted upon it is my duty to put the following facts on +record. + +It was, as it now always is, a wet day. The humidity not only +descended from a pitiless sky, but ascended from the cruel pavements +which cover the stony heart of that inexorable stepmother, London. +Need I say that under these conditions no cabs were obtainable? In +other words it was one of those days, so common of late, when other +people engage the cabs first. They were plentiful enough, full. One +could have been run over and killed by them twenty times between +Trafalgar Square and Piccadilly Circus, but all teemed with selfish +life. Men of ferocious concentration and women detestable in their +purposefulness were to be seen through the passing windows. It was a +day on which no one ever got out of a cab at all, except to tell it +to wait. No flag was ever up. Since the blessing of peace began to be +ours these days have been the rule. + +Not only were the cabs all taken and reserved till to-morrow, but the +'buses were overcrowded too. A line of swaying men, steaming from the +deluge, intervened in every 'bus between two rows of seated women, +also steaming. It was a day on which the conductors and conductresses +were always ringing the bell three times. + +There was also (for we are very thorough in England) a strike on the +Tube and the Underground. + +Having to get to Harley Street, I walked up Regent Street, doing +my best to shelter beneath an umbrella, and (being a believer in +miracles) turning my head back at every other step in the hope that a +cab with its flag up might suddenly materialise; but hoping against +hope. It was miserable, it was depressing, and it was really rather +shameful: by the year 1919 A.D. (I thought) more should have been +achieved by boastful mankind in the direction of weather control. + +And then the strange thing happened which it is my purpose and pride +to relate. A taxi drew up beside me and I was hailed by its occupant. +In a novel the hailing voice would be that of a lady or a Caliph +_incog._, and it would lure me to adventure or romance. But this was +desperately real damp beastly normal life, and the speaker was merely +a man like myself. + +"Hullo!" he said, calling me by name, and following the salutation by +the most grateful and comforting words that the human tongue could at +that moment utter. + +Every one has seen the Confession Albums, where complacent or polite +visitors are asked to state what in their opinion is the most +beautiful this and that and the other, always including "the most +beautiful form of words." Serious people quote from DANTE or KEATS or +SHAKSPEARE; flippant persons write "Not guilty" or "Will you have it +in notes or cash?" or "This way to the exit." Henceforth I shall be in +no doubt as to my own reply. I shall set down the words used by this +amazing god in the machine, this prince among all princely bolts from +the blue. "Hullo," he said, "let me give you a lift." + +I could have sobbed with joy as I entered the cab--perhaps I did sob +with joy--and heard him telling the driver the number in Harley Street +for which I was bound. + +That is the story--true and rare. How could I refrain from telling +it when impulsive benevolence and public virtue are so rare? It was +my duty. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MODERN INVENTION APPLIED TO THE CLASSICS. _Damacles +(under the hanging sword, to his host)._ "DELIGHTFUL WEATHER WE'RE +HAVING FOR THE TIME OF YEAR--WHAT?"] + + * * * * * + +BOOK-BOOMING. + +(_WITH GRATEFUL ACKNOWLEDGMENTS TO THE LEADING MASTERS OF THIS +DELECTABLE ART._) + +Messrs. Puffington and Co. beg to announce the immediate issue of +_Charity Blueblood_, by Faith Redfern. Speaking _ex cathedra_, with a +full consciousness of their responsibilities, they have no hesitation +in pronouncing their assured conviction that this novel will take its +place above all the classics of fiction. + +Here is not only a Thing of Beauty, but a Joy for Ever, wrought +by elfin fingers, fashioned of gossamer threads at once fine and +prehensile. Yet so Gargantuan and Goliardic that the reader holds his +breath, lest the whole beatific caboodle should vanish into thin air +and leave him lamenting like a Peril shut out from Paradise. + +But this is more than a Paradise. It is a Pandemonium, a Pantosocratic +Pantechnicon and a Pantheon as well. For here, within the narrow +compass of 750 pages (price 7s. 11¾d.), we find all the glory that +was Greece and the grandeur that was Rome; the Olympian serenity of +HOMER, the pity and terror of ÆSCHYLUS, the poignancy of CATULLUS, the +saucy mirth of ARISTOPHANES, the sanity of SHAKSPEARE, the _macabre_ +gruesomeness of BAUDELAIRE, the sardonic _rictus_ of HEINE and the +geniality of TROLLOPE. All this and much more. + +Here, as we turn every page, we expect to meet _Rosalind_ and _Jeanie +Deans_, _Tom Jones_ and _Aramis_, _Mr. Micawber_ and _Madame Bovary_, +_Eugenie Grandet_ and _Colonel Newcome_, _Casanova_ and _Casablanca_, +_Consuelo_ and "CAGLIOSTRO," and, if we do not meet them, we encounter +new and more radiant figures, compared with whom the others are as +water to wine. + +Here, with its bliss and agony, its cacophony and cachinnation, is +Life, such as you and I know it, not life in absolute _déshabillé_, +but enveloped in the iridescent upholstery of genius, sublimated by +the wizardry of a transcendental polyphony. + +Here, soaring high above the cenotaph in which the roses and rapture +of our youth lie entombed in one red burial blent, we see the +shimmering strands of St. Martin's Summer drawn athwart the happenless +days of Autumn, with the dewdrops of cosmic unction sparkling in the +rays of a sunshine never yet seen on land or sea, but reflecting as in +a magic mirror that far off El Dorado, that land where Summer always +is "i-cumen in," for which each and all of us feel a perpetual +nostalgia. + +Here, in fine, gentle reader, is a work of such colossal force that +to render justice to its abysmal greatness we have ransacked the +vocabulary of superlative laudation in vain. SWINBURNE, compared to +the needs of the situation, is as a shape of quivering jelly alongside +of the Rock of Gibraltar. And here, O captious critic, is a Wonderwork +which not only disarms but staggers, paralyses and annihilates all +possibilities of animadversion, unless you wish to share the fate +of Marsyas, by pitting your puny strength against the overwhelming +panoply of divine and immortal genius. + + * * * * * + + "A bricklayer's labourer was remanded yesterday on a charge of + stealing, as bailee, two matches, value £3, the property of the + Vicar of ----."--_Provincial Paper_. + +We fear there has been bad profiteering somewhere; even in London they +have not touched that price. + + * * * * * + + "Howells' new violin conato (E flat), which followed, is sincere + music ... whatever there is it is possible to bear."--_Times_. + +The fololwing of a conata, like the bombination of a chimæra, +apparently puts some strain upon the attention of an audience. + + * * * * * + +_LE FRANÇAIS TEL QUE L'ON LE PARLE._ + +It was on my journey to Paris that I ran across little Prior in the +train. He too was going, he said, on Peace Conference work. His is +a communicative disposition and before we had fairly started on our +journey he had unfolded his plans. He said the Conference was bound +to last a long time, and as a resident in a foreign country he had +a splendid opportunity to learn the language. He meant, he said, +to get to know it thoroughly later on. He then produced his French +Pronouncing Handbook. + +I thought I knew French pretty well until I saw that book. It gave +Prior expressions to use in the most casual conversation that I have +never heard of in my life. It had a wonderful choice of words. Only an +experienced philologist could have told you their exact origin. + +The handbook had foreseen every situation likely to arise abroad; and +I think it overrated one's ordinary experiences. I have known people +who have resided in France for years and never once had occasion to +ask a billiard-marker if he would "_Envoyer-nous des crachoirs_." Most +people can rub along on a holiday quite cheerfully without a spittoon; +but then the handbook never meant you to be deprived of home comforts +for the want of asking. + +Nor did it intend, with all its oily phraseology, that you should be +imposed on. There is a scene in a "print-shop" over the authenticity +of an engraving which gets to an exceedingly painful climax. + +A good deal of reliance is placed on the innate courtesy of the +French. For it appears that, after an entire morning spent at the +stationer's, when the shop-keeper has discussed every article he has +for sale, you wind up by saying, "_Je prendrai une petite bouteille +d'encre noire,_" and all that long-suffering man retorts is, "_J'voo +zangvairay ler pah-kay,_" which is not nearly so bolshevistic as it +looks. + +Prior said he was going to start to speak French directly he got on +board the steamer--he had learnt that part off by heart already. The +first remark he must make was, "Send the Captain to me at once." There +is no indication of riot or uproar at this. Evidently the Captain is +brought without the slightest difficulty, for in the very next line +we find Prior saying, "_Êtes-vous le Capitaine?_" and he goes on to +inquire about his berth. + +The Captain tells him everything there is to know about berths +and then apparently offers to take down his luggage, for Prior is +commanding, "Take care of my carpet-bag, if you please." + +They then begin to discuss the weather. "In what quarter is the wind?" +asks the indefatigable Prior. + +"The wind," says the Captain, "is in the north, in the south, in the +east, in the south-west. It will be a rough passage. It will be very +calm." + +Prior does not seem to observe that the Captain appears to be hedging. +This wealth of information even pleases him, and then quite abruptly +he demands, "_Donnez-moi une couverture,_" because, as he goes on +to explain, he "feels very sick." This gives the "Capitaine" an +opportunity to escape. He says, "I will send the munitionnaire." + +Undoubtedly that Captain has a sense of the ridiculous. I like the +man. Anyone who could, on the spur of the moment, describe the +steward as the munitionnaire deserves to rank as one of the world's +humourists. But Prior is apparently in no condition to see a joke. He +says he will have the munitionnaire instantly bringing in his hand +"_un verre d'eau de vie._" + +I was really sorry that in the bustle of embarking I lost sight of +Prior and therefore could not witness the meeting between him and the +Captain. It would have made me happy for the whole day. + +The crossing was prolonged, for we took a zig-zag course to avoid any +little remembrances Fritz might have left us in the form of mines. +When we were nearing land I saw Prior again. He was stretched out on +a deck-chair and looked up with a ghastly smile as he caught sight of +me. + +"Hullo, you're alone!" I said rather cruelly. "Is this the stage where +the Captain goes to find the munitionnaire?" + +Then he spoke, but it was not in the words of the phrase-book. It was +in clear, concise, unmistakable English. + +"Can you tell me," he asked, and behind his words lay a suggestion +of quiet force of despair, "about what hour of the day or night this +cursed boat is likely to get to Boolong?" + + * * * * * + + "Evens are moving rapidly in connection with the plan by + the Government, announced only yesterday, to call a national + industrial conference."--_Daily Paper_. + +We are glad the odds are not against it. + + * * * * * + +Notice in a German shop-window (British zone):-- + + "Jon can have jour SAFETY RAZOR BLADES reset, throug hare + experient workman any System." + +The Germans seem to be getting over their dislike to British steel. + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL COMFORT. + + ["Mines are spottily good. Oils maintain a healthy + undertone."--_Stock Exchange Report_.] + + O welcome message of the tape! + O words of comfortable cheer! + You bring us promise of escape + Into a balmier atmosphere; + Though Ireland with sedition boils + And shrieks aloud, "Ourselves Alone"; + Still mines are good in spots, and oils + Maintain a healthy undertone. + + Though dismal Jeremiahs wail + Of Bolshevists within our gates, + And, though the Master of _The M**l_ + In sad seclusion vegetates, + The rising tide of gloom recoils + Once the inspiring news is known + That mines are good in spots, and oils + Maintain a healthy undertone. + + An over-sanguine mood is wrong + And ought to be severely banned; + Yet spots, if good, cannot belong + To the pernicious leopard brand; + But no such reservation spoils + The sequel; doubt is overthrown + By the explicit statement, "Oils + Maintain a healthy undertone." + + Not, you'll remark, the savage growl + Of the exasperated bear, + Nor the profound blood-curdling howl + Of the gorilla in its lair; + Nor yet the roar in civic broils + That surges round a tyrant's throne-- + Oh, no, the organ voice of oils + Is healthy in its undertone. + + O blessed jargon of the mart! + Though your commercial meaning's hid + From me, a layman, to my heart + You bring a soothing _nescio quid_; + Amid the flux of strikes and plots + Two things at present stand like stone: + In mines the goodness of their spots, + In oils their healthy undertone. + + * * * * * + +Extract from a recent story:-- + + "Noiselessly we crept from the tent. The sands, the sea, the + cliffs, were bathed in silver white by a glorious tropical + moon. Noiselessly we levelled it to the ground, rolled it up, + and carried it to the boat." + +And that night the Gothas were foiled. + + * * * * * + + "The subject of a war memorial was considered at a St. Sidwell's, + Exeter, parish meeting. Many suggestions were offered, among + them one that the present seating in the parish church should be + replaced by plush-covered tip-up seats, such as are in use at + kinemas and other places of entertainment."--_Western Morning + News_. + +If the suggestion is adopted it is presumed that the name of the +church will be altered to St. Sitwell. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Father Murphy_. "MIKE, COME HERE AND HOLD THE MULE FOR +A FEW MINUTES." + +_Mike_ (_not stirring_). "IT'S SORRY I AM, FATHER, BUT I DO BE DRAWIN' +THE OUT-OF-WORK MONEY, AND I DARE NOT HOULD HER. BUT I'LL SAY 'STAND' +TO HER FOR YOU, FATHER, IF I SEE HER ANYWAYS UNAISY."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERICS._) + +In _Forty Days in 1914_ (CONSTABLE), Major-General Sir F. MAURICE does +more than revive our fading recollections of the retreat from Mons and +the marvellous recovery on the Marne. A careful study of the German +documents relating to VON KLUCK'S dash for Paris has led the author to +form a new theory to account for the German defeat. Hitherto we have +been asked to believe that VON KLUCK'S fatal change of direction, just +when he seemed to have Paris at his mercy, was due to an urgent call +for assistance from the CROWN PRINCE. General MAURICE holds, on the +contrary, that it was deliberately adopted, at a moment when the CROWN +PRINCE'S army was undefeated, in the belief that the French Fifth Army +could be enveloped and destroyed, in which event "the whole French +line would be rolled up and Paris entered after a victory such as +history had never yet recorded." Thus, not for the first time, a too +rigid adherence to MOLTKE'S theory of envelopment proved disastrous to +the Germans' chances of success. It had first caused them to invade +Belgium, and so brought Britain into the War at the very outset; it +had next caused VON KLUCK to continue his westward sweep after Mons at +a juncture when a vigorous pursuit by his cavalry might have turned +the British retreat into a rout; and finally it caused him to execute +the notoriously dangerous manoeuvre of changing front before an +unbeaten foe, and to give JOFFRE the opportunity for which he had +been patiently waiting. The fact was that VON KLUCK did not think the +British were unbeaten. He could not conceive that men who had just +endured such a harassing experience as the seven days' continuous +retreat could possibly be in a condition to turn and fight. Not for +the first or last time in the War German psychology was woefully at +fault. Whether General MAURICE'S theory is correct or not, it is +most attractively set forth, and, thanks to the excellent; maps with +which the volume is provided, can be easily followed even by the +non-military reader. + + * * * * * + +There was at first a little danger of my being put off _Fruit of +Earth_ (METHUEN) by the uneasy manner of its opening chapters and a +style that it is permissible to call distinctly "fruity." Thus on page +5 J. MILLS WHITHAM is found writing about "an astonishment that nearly +smudged the last spark of vitality from a hunger-bitten author," and +a good deal more in the same style. But I am glad to say that the +tale subsequently pulls itself together, and, despite some occasional +high-falutin, becomes an interesting and human affair. It is a story +of country life, the main theme of which is a twofold jealousy, that +of the chronic invalid, _Mrs. Linsell_, towards the girl _Mary_, whom +she rightly suspects of displacing her in the thoughts of _Inglebury_; +and that of _Amos_, who marries _Mary_, towards _Inglebury_, whom he +rightly suspects of occupying too much room in the reflections of his +wife. In other words, the simple life at its most suspicious, with +the rude forefathers of the hamlet supplying a scandalous chorus. The +strongest part of the story is the tragedy, suggested with a poignancy +almost too vivid, of the wretched elder woman, tortured in mind and +body, morbidly aware of the contrast between her own decay and the +vitality of her rival. As to _Inglebury_ and _Mary_, the causes of all +the pother, they struck me as conspicuously unworth so much fussing +over; and, when their final flight together landed them--well, +where it did, I could only feel that the neighbourhood was to be +congratulated. But, as you see, I had by this time become unwillingly +interested. So there you have it; an unequal book, about people +unattractive but alive. + + * * * * * + +When the literary Roll of Honour of all the belligerents comes to be +considered quietly, in the steady light of Peace, not many names will +stand higher in any country than that of our English writer, HECTOR +HUGH MUNRO, whose subtle and witty satires, stories and fantasies +were put forth under the pseudonym "SAKI." I have but to name _The +Chronicles of Clovis_ for discriminating readers to know what their +loss was when MUNRO (who, although over age, had enlisted as a private +and refused a commission) fell fighting in the Beaumont-Hamel action +in November 1916. Mr. JOHN LANE has brought out, under the title _The +Toys of Peace_, a last collection of "SAKI'S" fugitive works, with a +sympathetic but all too brief memoir by Mr. ROTHAY REYNOLDS. Although +"SAKI" is only occasionally at his very best in this volume--on +the grim side, in "The Interlopers," and in his more familiar +irresponsible and high-spirited way in "A Bread-and-Butter Miss" and +"The Seven Cream Jugs;" although there may be no masterpiece of fun or +raillery to put beside, say, "Esmé;" there is in every story a phrase +or fancy marked by his own inimitable felicity, audacity or humour. +It is good news that a complete uniform edition of his books is in +preparation. + + * * * * * + +I can't help feeling that ISABEL ECCLESTONE MACKAY'S chief aim in +_Up the Hill and Over_ (HURST AND BLAOKETT) was to write a convincing +tract for the times on a subject which is achieving unhappy prominence +in America as in our own police-courts. A worthy aim, I doubt not. +One of the chief characters is a drug-taker; and as if that were not +enough another is "out of her head," while a third, _Dr. Callandar_, +the Montreal specialist, is in the throes of a nervous breakdown. +This seems to me to be distinctly overdoing it. It is the doctor's +love-story (a story so complicated that I cannot attempt a _précis_) +which is the designedly central but actually subordinate theme. I +have the absurd idea that this might really have begun life as a +pathological thesis and suffered conversion into a novel. The author +has no conscience in the matter of the employment of the much-abused +device of coincidence. And I don't think the story would cure anyone +of drug-taking. On the contrary. + + * * * * * + +_The Three Black Pennys_ (HEINEMANN) is a story that began by +perplexing and ended by making a complete conquest of me. Its +author, Mr. JOSEPH HERGESHEIMER, is, I think, new to this side of +the Atlantic; the publishers tell me (and, to prevent any natural +misapprehension, I pass on the information at once) that he belongs +to "a Pennsylvania Dutch family, settled for many generations in +Philadelphia." Which being so, one can enjoy his work with a free +conscience. It certainly seems to me very unusual in quality. The +theme of the tale is the history of the _Penny_ family, or rather +of the periodical outcrop in it of a certain strain that produces +_Pennys_ dark of countenance and incalculable of conduct. This +recurrence is shown in three examples: the first, _Howart Penny_, +in the days when men wore powder and the _Penny_ forge had just +been started in what was then a British colony; the next, _Jasper_, +involved in a murder trial in the sixties; and; last of the black +_Pennys_, another _Howart_, in whom the family energy has thinned +to a dilettante appreciation of the arts, dying alone amongst +his collections. You can see from this outline that the book is +incidentally liable to confound the skipper, who may find himself +confronted with (apparently) the same character tying a periwig on one +page and hiring a taxi on another. I am mistaken though if you will +feel inclined to skip a single page of a novel at once so original +and well-told. As a detail of criticism I had the feeling that the +"blackness" of the _Penny_ exceptions would have shown up better had +we seen more of the family in its ordinary rule; but of the power +behind Mr. HERGESHEIMER'S work there can be no question. He is, I am +sure, an artist upon a quite unusual scale, from whom great things may +be anticipated. + + * * * * * + +If neither book of short stories before me is what Americans call "the +goods," I can, at any rate, say that _Ancient Mariners_ (MILLS AND +BOON) does infinite credit to Mr. MORLEY ROBERTS'S imagination. These +yarns of seafaring men are salt with the savour of the sea and with +the language thereof. Of the seven my favourite is "Potter's Plan," +which not only contains the qualities to be found in the other +half-dozen, but also has an ingenuity all its own. But perhaps you +will prefer "A Bay Dog-Watch," as coming home to the general bosom, +for it deals with a ferocious hunt after matches which recalls the +deadly days of the shortage. Of the five stories in Mr. WARWICK +DEEPING'S _Countess Glika_ (CASSELL) the best is "Bitter Silence." +Here the author deals with essentials, and gives us a tale entirely +free from artificiality. The remaining stories are marred by their +lack of naturalness; but Mr. DEEPING is never at a loss for incident, +and he can write dialogue which is often gay and sometimes witty. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PASSING OF THE COUPON. _Our Grocer_ (_gone dotty with +joy_). "SHE LOVES ME--SHE LOVES ME NOT--SHE LOVES ME!"] + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11359 *** |