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diff --git a/11284-0.txt b/11284-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0d78b7e --- /dev/null +++ b/11284-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1906 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11284 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 156. + + + +March 26, 1919. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + +WILLIAM HOHENZOLLERN is reported to be busy sawing trees. Some declare +that his energy is due to an hallucination that they are German +generals. Others say the whole story is a clumsy attempt to discredit +him with the Labour party. + + *** + +Dublin Corporation has decided to increase its revenue by eight +thousand pounds by raising the charge on water. Citizens are urged to +put patriotism before prejudice and give the stuff a trial. + + *** + +The inconveniences that attend influenza reached their climax a few +days ago when an occupant of a crowded tube train blew the nose of the +man next to him in mistake for his own. + + *** + +The beggar who has been going about telling a pitiful story of being +wounded by a trench-mortar during the Jutland battle is now regarded +by the police as an impostor. + + *** + +A defendant in a County Court case at Liverpool last week stated in +his evidence that he had been on the telephone for the last twenty +years. In fairness to the Postal authorities he should have admitted +that it was a trunk call. + + *** + +[Illustration: _Foreman (late R.S.M.)._ "'ERE! YOU AIN'T IN THE ARMY +NOW. THERE'S NO CALL FOR _YOU_ TO KEEP A WATCH ON THE RHINE."] + + *** + +A lady-correspondent, writing to a daily paper, laments the fact +that the War has changed a great many husbands. Surely the wife who +receives the wrong husband can get some sort of redress from the War +Office. + + *** + +All the main-line railways are to be electrified, Sir ERIC GEDDES told +the House of Commons. Meanwhile he has successfully electrified all +the old buffers. + + *** + +A number of women are doing good work as mates on Medway sailing +barges. The denial of the report that one of them recently looked at +a Wapping policeman for five minutes on end without once repeating +herself may be ascribed to professional jealousy. + + *** + +"The small car," says a trade contemporary, "has come to stop." We can +well believe it. It is an old habit. + + *** + +It has been discovered that the new Education Act, which prohibits +boys under twelve being worked for more than two hours on Sunday, may +apply to choir-boys. A Commission, we understand, is to be called upon +to decide finally whether they are really boys or just little demons. + + *** + +A man who applied to the Bloomsbury County Court for relief against an +eviction order stated that he could find no other suitable house, as +he had nine children under fourteen years of age. His residential +problem remains unsolved, but we understand, with regard to the other +difficulty, that the Board of Works has offered to sell him a card +index at considerably below cost. + + *** + +"Bridegrooms," says a contemporary, "are discovering that weddings +cost more." The growing practice among fathers-in-law of delivering +their daughters "free at rail," instead of, as formerly, "from house +to house," may have something to do with it. + + *** + +"Ramsgate," says _The Daily Mail_, "is racing Margate in Thanet's +reconstruction." At present Margate still claims to lead by one +nigger and two winkle-barrows. + + *** + +The Colorado Legislature has passed a resolution in favour of Irish +independence. The remark attributed to Mr. A.J. BALFOUR, that he +always thought Colorado was the name of a twopenny cigar, has failed +to make the situation easier. + + *** + +"A pupil at a West London 'out-of-work' school," says a news item, +"daily attends his studies in an opera-hat." On being informed of this +fact, Sir THOMAS BEECHAM is reported to have expressed the opinion +that its significance was obvious. + + *** + +President WILSON, it is announced, hopes to visit Scotland shortly for +some golf. He believes that some adjustment of the dispute as to the +respective merits of the running-up and pitch-and-stop methods of +approach should be embodied in the Peace terms if international +harmony is to be really secured. + + *** + +Primroses and crocuses are blooming in North London. Pending an +official announcement by _The Daily Mail_ people are requested to +accept this as a preliminary Spring. + + *** + +Concrete ships, says a Government official, can be made in moulds. But +of course you must not forget to grease the tin. + + *** + +A Sinn Feiner, arriving home in Crossgar, Co. Down, last week, had +a very hearty welcome. Thirteen spectators and seven policemen were +injured. + + *** + +Many members of the Bar are greatly afraid that some learned judge +will ask, "What is the Jazz-step?" before the question has really been +settled by the dancers themselves. + + *** + +The young lady who, on receiving a proposal of marriage over the +telephone last week, replied, "Yes, who's speaking?" turns out to be +an ex-typist recently demobilised from the Air Ministry. + + *** + +It is interesting to note that to-day is the anniversary of the day +that was not a Flag-day last year. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER SEX-PROBLEM. + + "Information Wanted as to the whereabouts of James ---- (née Liza + ----), ship agent. Last heard of 30 years ago."--_Glasgow Paper_. + + * * * * * + +THE PRELIMINARY DOVE: ITS PROSPECTS. + + Within a little week or two, + So all our sanguine prints declare, + The Dove (or Bird of Peace) is due + To spread its wings and take the air, + Like Mr. THOMAS when he flew + Across the firmamental blue + To join the PREMIER in communion + Touching the Railway Workers' Union. + + We've waited many a weary week + With bulging eyes and fevered brow, + While WILSON pressed upon its beak + His League-of-Nations' olive bough, + Wondering what amount of weight + Its efforts could negotiate, + How much, in fact, the bird would stand + Without collapsing on the land. + + And, even though it should contrive + To keep its pinions on the flap, + And by a _tour de force_ survive + This devastating handicap, + Yet are there perils in the skies + Whereon we blandly shut our eyes, + But which are bound to be incurred, + And, notably, the Bolshy-bird. + + This brand of vulture, most obscene, + May have designs upon the Dove; + Its carrion taste was never keen + On the Millennial reign of Love; + And I, for one, am stiff with fear + About our little friend's career, + Lest that disgusting fowl should maul + And eat it, olive-branch and all. + + I mention this to mark the quaint + Notion of "Peace" the public has, + That wants to smear the Town with paint, + To whoop and jubilate and jazz; + And while our flappers beat the floor + There's Russia soaked in seas of gore, + And LENIN waxing beastly fat; + Nobody seems to think of that. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +PERFECTLY UNAUTHENTIC ANECDOTES. + +_which may be reproduced (with the permission of Mr. Punch) in any +forthcoming volume of Anybody's Reminiscences_. + +"You do things so sketchily and casually," said FRITH to WHISTLER one +day. "Now when I paint a picture I take pains. 'The Derby Day' cost me +weeks and months of sleeplessness. I did nothing else; I gave my whole +mind to it." "Oh," said WHISTLER, "that's where it's gone to, is it?" + + * * * * * + +When Mr. BERNARD SHAW made his tour of the ports in order to +popularise Socialism in the Navy, he was courteously received at +Portsmouth by Sir HEDWORTH MEUX. The talk happened to turn on the +theatre, and the Admiral was candid enough to confess himself somewhat +at sea with regard to the merits of contemporary writers. "Now, Mr. +SHAW," he said in his breezy way, "I wish you would tell me who is the +most eminent of the playwrights of to-day?" "Ay, ay, Sir," said Mr. +SHAW promptly. + + * * * * * + +Dr. Brotherton told me that he was once with MATTHEW ARNOLD in an +election crowd at Oxford, when the Professor of Poetry accidentally +collided with a working-man flown with Radicalism and beer. "Go to +blazes!" said the proletarian. "My friend," replied ARNOLD, "we are +well met. In me you see the official representative of Literature, +whereas you, I perceive, stand for Dogma." + + * * * * * + +Mrs. Brown of Newquay, who claims to be the original _Mrs. +Partington_, told me that SYDNEY SMITH'S last years were overclouded +by his inability to discover the riddle to which the answer is +contained in the words, "The one rode a horse and the other rode a +dendron." + + * * * * * + +Probably few people remember a Nottinghamshire poet of an earlier +day who fulfilled with much conscientiousness the duties of local +laureate. It was the age of Notts's pre-eminence in cricket, and that, +with other reasons, inspired the bard to write some verses which +opened with the line, "Is there a county to compare with Notts?" The +county of Derby was jealous of its neighbour in other things besides +sport, and considered itself to have scored when its own tame minstrel +retorted with a parody ending:-- + + "Is there a county to compare with Notts? + Lots!" + +Unfortunately the thing was catching, and other counties did their +best to follow suit, though with considerable difficulty as to rhymes. +I think it was a singer of Tavistock who won the laurels. After +disposing of an adjacent rival with the contemptuous jingle, +"Dorset--Curse it!" he wound up:-- + + "Is there a country to compare with Devon? + Heaven!" + + * * * * * + +Lady Crownderby once told me that she was among the first to see Lord +HOUGHTON on his return from Spain, and she asked him what he thought +of Spanish women in comparison with those of our own country. "My dear +lady," replied HOUGHTON, "I feel like LOT when he escaped from the +Cities of the Plain." + + * * * * * + +At a dinner given in honour of her nephew's appointment to a Rural +Deanery, Mrs. Hinkson-Hanksey told me that she once rallied DISRAELI +on his lack of religious profession, saying how much it compromised +him in the eyes of many of his fellow-countrymen in comparison with +his great rival. "My dear lady," said DISRAELI, "you are aware that +the New Testament divides all men into two categories. Without +specifying the class to which I personally belong, I am quite willing +to admit that Mr. GLADSTONE is a sheep and possesses many of the +characteristics of that admirable animal." + + * * * * * + +When I was at Hawarden in the summer of 1893, little DOROTHY DREW +asked her grandfather for the loan of a book "to press flowers in." +It is a process, as readers may know, not good for the book, and I +thought the illustrious statesman and bibliophile looked a little +embarrassed. But his face cleared in a moment, and he went out of the +room and presently returned with a sufficient volume, in which the +flowers were duly laid, the book being then, with the united efforts +of the company, subjected to the necessary pressure under a heavy +cabinet. Anxious to know which volume of his beloved library Mr. +GLADSTONE had selected for desecration, I took an early opportunity +of furtively examining the title of the tortured tome. It was +_Coningsby_. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + + "Councillor ----'s son will be married to the eldest daughter of + Councillor ----. The members of the Corporation are invited to the + suspicious event."--_Local Paper_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DISTRACTIONS OF AN INDISPENSABLE.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sergeant_. "Now, ME LAD, A SUIT OF MUFTI OR FORTY-FIVE +SHILLINGS?" _Tommy_. "OO, LUMME! I'LL PAY THE FINE."] + + * * * * * + +GALLERY PLAY. + + +It wasn't till Panmore noticed its absence on his return from France +that I remembered the little oil painting which I had left at the +Ferndale Gallery on sale or return, during the early days of the War, +when my financial outlook was bad. + +Panmore said he had always wanted to buy it, but hadn't liked to ask +me if I would part with it. I assured him that excess even of delicacy +was a mistake and that I would try to get the picture back. + +So I wrote to the Gallery thus:-- + + DEAR SIRS (it seemed absurd to write "Dear Gallery"),--In 1914 or + 1915 I brought you a small oil painting, which you agreed to sell + or return to me. As I haven't heard from you since, I conclude + that there has been nothing doing in such pictures and I should + like to have it back. The picture is quite a small one, about the + size of an ordinary book, and so far as I recollect it portrays + a man looking at a horse, to see if its withers stand where they + did; or perhaps wondering whether he would sell it and buy a + scooter. As a matter of fact I never took particular notice of the + picture, not caring for it, but a friend of mine who knows it well + appears interested in it and wants to buy it. So please let me + have it back as soon as possible. + + Yours faithfully, + + THEOPHILUS B. PIPER-CARY. + + P.S.--By the way, there's a cow, I remember, in the background; a + red one. Not a red background; a red cow. + +This was the answer I received:-- + + DEAR SIR,--In reply to yours of the 13th inst., we remember your + visit, but cannot trace having such a picture as you describe in + our possession at present. We believe you dealt with our Mr. James + Langford, who joined up in May, 1915, and is not yet demobilised. + He is in Egypt at the moment, we understand, and we are afraid it + would take some time to get into communication with him. + + We shall be glad if under the circumstances you will allow the + matter to rest until his return. + + In any case we are afraid we cannot hold ourselves responsible for + the picture, unless you can produce a receipt from us proving that + it reached us. + + We are, Yours obediently, + + _pp_. THE FERNDALE GALLERY. + + J.S. + +The last paragraph in their letter gave me the impression that they +knew they had the picture but had mislaid it. Meanwhile Panmore seemed +so hot on it and I was so badly hit by the War that I thought I would +have another shot at recovering it. So I addressed the Gallery as +follows:-- + + DEAR SIRS,--Thanks for your letter, and in reply I should be + obliged if you could get another search party out. I have found + a receipt for the picture, signed with a name that might, if + straightened out, be James Langford. + + My friend is getting quite excited about it, and he is the sort + of person one wants to humour. He is a Lieut.-Colonel, an O.B.E., + and, what is more important still, one of the feoffees of + Buckley's Hospital (a fifteenth-century foundation here), and + whatever a feoffee may be he is not the kind of man to toy with in + a small town like this. + + I forgot to mention that there is an inn on the left of the + picture, and a girl coming out of it carrying, perhaps, a + bran-mash for the horse or some Government dope for the man, and + there are some hens, all fully regardant and expectant, at her + feet. + + Hoping to hear in the course of a post or two that you have found + the painting, + + I am, Yours anxiously, + + THEOPHILUS B. PIPER-CARY. + + P.S.--Don't forget there's a cow in the background; a red cow. + +Three days later I received a picture (not mine) from the Gallery with +this letter:-- + + DEAR SIR,--After a most exhaustive search we have found and send + herewith what we believe to be your picture, though it does not + quite answer to your description. It is, however, the only one of + which we do not appear to have any record. + + Our Mr. Langford seems likely to be abroad for some months, so + unless you will accept this picture in settlement of the matter we + do not see any present way out of the difficulty. + + Confident that, if it is not yours, it is at least just as good, + we trust that you will agree to cry quits. + + We are, Yours obediently, + + _pp._ THE FERNDALE GALLERY. + + J.S. + +Why they should feel sure it was just as good, unless they remembered +my picture, wasn't very clear, but evidently the receipt had put the +wind up them, and I wrote and accepted the substitute at once, because +Panmore liked it better even than the original picture. He said it was +an Alken and gave me far more than I would have thought of asking for +it, or for the original one. + +About a week after selling it I received this wire from the Gallery:-- + + Please return painting sent in error. Very valuable Alken. Have + customer. + + FERNDALE. + +"Diamond cut diamond," I said to myself. And I replied thus:-- + + DEAR SIRS,--I received your wire, but regret that I cannot comply + with your request. Firstly, because I have already accepted the + picture which you regarded as mine or its equivalent, in place of + the one that was mine and is now yours; and, secondly, because my + friend the feoffee has already bought it, the one that was yours + and is now mine, or rather his (you know what I mean, don't you?), + and I haven't the heart to ask him to return it. + + Perhaps yours (the one that is now yours and was mine before), + being the equivalent of the one that was yours and is now mine (or + rather the feoffee's), would suit your client. I can only suggest + your having another look for it; the matter so far as I am + concerned is at an end. Yours faithfully, + + THEOPHILUS B. PIPER-CARY. + + P.S.--You'll know it when you find it. There's a red cow in the + background. + + * * * * * + + "Sentence of Mike Ancon, found guilty of housekeeping, was + postponed yesterday afternoon."--_Manitoba Free Press._ + +This species of crime is almost extinct in England. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE "HESITATION" WALTZ.] + + * * * * * + + +THE RISING EGG. + +Whatever may be the decline in the price of eggs their social +movement is clearly upwards. The following passage from _The Croydon +Advertiser_ gives an admirable life-history of the egg, from shell to +profit-sharing:-- + + "Eggs will be dated and graded and sold accordingly, and as soon + as they have done laying fattened for table purposes, also young + cockerels. They will be killed and plucked, and the feathers will + be sorted and sold in the best markets. So you see they will + receive full market price for their produce; then if they are + shareholders they will receive a further profit in the difference + between the cost and the selling, also the very big amounts + received for the skins and the feathers." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL. + +_Oldest Inhabitant._ "I NEVER EXPECTED TO LIVE TILL THE END OF THE +WAR, MA'AM; BUT NOW I'M HOPING TO BE SPARED TO SEE THE BEGINNING OF +THE NEXT ONE."] + + * * * * * + +CHOICE BOOKS OF THE WEEK. + +THE NEW PARIS SKETCH-BOOK; OR, THE FIRST FIFTY THOUSAND. + +By GLADYS FLAPPERTON, O.B.E., Author of _Peace and Plenty of It._ + +This charming volume describes in detail the delightful Parisian +holiday which has been provided by the Government under the best +possible conditions for young ladies with (and without) a knowledge of +typewriting. + + * * * * * + +_TIGER LILY, + +A POEM IN FOURTEEN SPASMS._ + +By WOODROW WILSON. + +Affectionately dedicated to M. CLEMENCEAU. + + * * * * * + +THE HISTORY OF FREDERICK THE GREAT. + +BY HAROLD SMITH, M.P. + +("England's Harold.") + +With an Introduction by the LORD CHANCELLOR. + + * * * * * + +O SMILLIE, WE HAVE MISSED YOU, AND OTHER LYRICS. + +Highly recommended by Messrs. MUDIE and SANKEY (the Author). + +Copies of this beautiful work have been accepted by several mining +royalties. + + * * * * * + +THE GEDDES BIOGRAPHICAL DICTIONARY. + +Publication of the Second Volume (AUC--ERIC). + +It is hoped to complete in twelve handsome volumes this the first +attempt to record and codify the achievements and services of the +GEDDES family in the Great War. + + * * * * * + +WASTEWARD HO! + +A ROMANCE OF CIPPENHAM. + +With an Introductory Apologia by Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL. + + * * * * * + +THE NEXT WAR. + + ["As the result of a conference called by the War Office it has + been decided to wage a war of annihilation against the warble-fly. + It is hoped that by means of concerted action through the country + this pestilent insect, so injurious to the hides of horses and + cattle, may be completely stamped out." _Daily Paper._] + + The warble-fly, the warble-fly + Is absolutely doomed to die. + They've summoned all the General Staff, + There's going to be a mighty "strafe," + And soon the land from shore to shore + Will echo with the din of war, + As armèd hosts with martial cries + Descend upon the warble-flies. + + We've got the shells, we've got the guns + (The same that overwhelmed the Huns), + And, what is more, we've got the Man; + With WINSTON riding in the van + I do not think there's any doubt + That we shall put the foe to rout, + And, scorning peace by compromise, + Annihilate the warble-flies. + + In tranquil peace the gentle beeves + Shall chew their cud through summer eves; + No more shall that alarming warble + Affright the calm of heifer or bull, + And send them snorting round the croft + With eyes of fear and tails aloft. + Till every warble-fly be floored + Whitehall will _never_ sheathe the sword. + + * * * * * + +The Growth of Impropriety. + + "Her hair is always exquisitely dressed, and her shoes in perfect + shape. No more in the way of dress is required of any woman." + + _Daily Mirror._ + + * * * * * + + "PROPOSED IMPROVEMENT OF A DANGEROUS CORONER." + + _Headline in Provincial Paper._ + +The best plan, possibly, would be to get the jury to sit on him. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NEWSPAPER HEADINGS POPULARLY ILLUSTRATED. + +"INFLUENZA MICROBE DISCOVERED AT A LONDON HOSPITAL."] + + * * * * * + +MRS. BLOGGINS'S STATEMENT. + +It is not too much to say that bed-making circles in Cambridge have +been agitated to their utmost depths by the recent advent of some +hundreds of American youths who have come to pursue certain courses +of study within the University walls. Let us make one thing perfectly +clear. Bed-makers do not object to Americans as Americans, but this +avalanche of Transatlantics arrives on the very eve of the vacation, +just when the bed-makers are packing off the contingent of young Naval +officers who have been making things hum during the past term. + +Persuaded that their too-brief holidays will be entirely absorbed in +attending to the Americans, the bed-makers urge with some justice that +they too are entitled to enjoy the beautiful things of this enchanting +world quite as much as miners and railway-men. We understand that +meetings of their Association are being held, and that the University +authorities are faced by a situation which is rapidly passing beyond +their control. Bed-makers are amongst the most loyal members of the +community, but they feel, as a prominent member of the profession +put it, that "the last camel breaks the straw's back," and they are +determined to uphold their immemorial rights. + +We have thought it our duty therefore to interview the celebrated Mrs. +Bloggins, the _doyenne_ of the Corps of Bed-makers of Trinity College. +We found the lady in her home in Paradise Walk, where she was engaged +in eating some excellent buttered toast. We lost no time in explaining +the purport of our visit. + +"We desire to know, Mrs. Bloggins," we began, "what your feelings are +with regard to the Americans." + +"Ah," said Mrs. Bloggins, speaking with deep emotion, "you may well +call 'em Americans, for I've never bin so troubled about anythink +before. Some people seem to git the notion into their 'eads that +bed-makers do no work. Why we're arst to slave from mornin' till +night, and our pay is paltry. Things in Cambridge isn't like what they +was. Time was when our young gentlemen used to 'ave big dinners +in their rooms, and a careful bed-maker could save a bone or two. +Nowadays they,'re only cheese-parers, that's what I call 'em. You +won't believe me, I know, but my mother, who was a bed-maker afore me, +used to 'ave a month at the seaside every year, all paid for out of +money give to 'er by 'er young gentlemen. To be sure there was a +wrangler, or somethink of that kind, who didn't come up to the mark, +so she soon got rid of 'im; 'e used to find 'is butter was took by the +cat, and accidents of that kind. + +"Mind yer," she continued, "I ain't got nothink to say against the +Americans. They may be the most liberal-'earted gentlemen in the world +for all I know. But it's the principle of the thing I'm objectin' to. +It's a case of kill me quick or cure me to-morrow, and if President +WILSON was to talk till next week 'e couldn't make it no different. +You can't make a silk sock out of a side of bacon, and that's true +whichever way you look at it." + +"But what steps," we urged, "does your Association intend to take, +Mrs. Bloggins, over this matter?" + +"I don't know nothink about no 'sociations," said Mrs. Bloggins, "but +I do know that we're all in it, and Mrs. Pledger and Mrs. 'Uggins, and +the rest of 'em, we knows our power and we intends to use it." + +"In what way do you mean?" I said. + +She looked at me cunningly. + +"Now you're spyin'. It's dirty work and I won't 'ave it 'ere. You +might be the Proctor hisself for all I cares--you're not going to +ferret nothink out of me." + +Hereupon she rose with great dignity and plainly indicated that the +interview was at an end. + + * * * * * + + La Haute Cuisine. + + "Cook; French; age 38; wages £25-£30 week."--_Morning Post._ + + * * * * * + +TO THE DEATH. + + [According to the papers, two Frenchmen have agreed to fight a + duel in aeroplanes.] + +"Cauliflower!" shrieked Gaspard Volauvent across the little table in +the _estaminet_. His face bristled with rage. + +"Serpent!" replied Jacques Rissolo, bristling with equal dexterity. + +The two stout little men glared ferociously at each other. Then +Jacques picked up his glass and poured the wine of the country over +his friend's head. + +"Drown, serpent!" he said magnificently. He beckoned to the waiter. +"Another bottle," he said. "My friend has drunk all this." + +Gaspard removed the wine from his whiskers with the local paper and +leant over the table towards Jacques. + +"This must be wiped out in blood," he said slowly. "You understand?" + +"Perfectly," replied the other. "The only question is whose." + +"Name your weapons," said Gaspard Volauvent grandly. + +"Aeroplanes," replied Jacques Rissole after a moment's thought. + +"Bah! I cannot fly." + +"Then I win," said Jacques simply. + +The other looked at him in astonishment. + +"What! You fly?" + +"No; but I can learn." + +"Then I will learn too," said Gaspard with dignity. "We meet--in six +months?" + +"Good." Jacques pointed to the ceiling. "Say three thousand feet up." + +"Three thousand four hundred," said Gaspard for the sake of +disagreeing. + +"After all, that is for our seconds to arrange. My friend Épinard of +the Roullens Aerodrome will act for me. He will also instruct me how +to bring serpents to the ground." + +"With the idea of cleansing the sky of cauliflowers," said Gaspard, "I +shall proceed to the flying-ground at Dormancourt; Blanchaille, the +instructor there, will receive your friend." + +He bowed and walked out. + +Details were soon settled. On a date six months ahead the two +combatants would meet three thousand two hundred feet above the little +town in which they lived, and fight to the death. In the event of both +crashing, the one who crashed last would be deemed the victor. It was +Gaspard's second who insisted on this clause; Gaspard himself felt +that it did not matter. + +The first month of instruction went by. At the end of it Jacques +Rissole had only one hope. It was that when he crashed he should crash +on some of Gaspard's family. Gaspard had no hope, but one consolation. +It was that no crash could involve his stomach, which he invariably +left behind him as soon as the aeroplane rose. + +At the end of the second month Gaspard wrote to Jacques. + +"My friend," he wrote, "the hatred of you which I nurse in my bosom, +and which fills me with the desire to purge you from the sky, is in +danger of being transferred to my instructor. Let us therefore meet +and renew our enmity." + +Jacques Rissole wrote back to Gaspard. + +"My enemy," he wrote, "there is nobody in the whole of the Roullens +aerodrome whom I do not detest with a detestation beside which my +hatred for you seems as maudlin adoration. This is notwithstanding the +fact that I make the most marvellous progress in the art of flying. It +is merely something in their faces which annoys me. Let me therefore +see yours again, in the hope that it will make me think more kindly of +theirs." + +They met, poured wine over each other and parted. After another month +the need of a further stimulant was felt. They met again, and agreed +to insult each other weekly. + +On the last day of his training Gaspard spoke seriously to his +instructor. + +"You see that I make nothing of it," he said. "My thoughts are ever +with the stomach that I leave behind. Not once have I been in a +position to take control. How then can I fight? My friend, I arrange +it all. You shall take my place." + +"Is that quite fair to Rissole?" asked Blanchaille doubtfully. + +"Do not think that I want you to hurt him. That is not necessary. He +will hurt himself. Keep out of his way until he has finished with +himself, and then fly back here. It is easy." + +It seemed the best way; indeed the only way. Gaspard Volauvent could +never get to the _rendezvous_ alone, and it would be fatal to his +honour if Jacques arrived there and found nobody to meet him. +Reluctantly Blanchaille agreed. + +At the appointed hour Gaspard put his head cautiously out of his +bedroom window and gazed up into the heavens. He saw two aeroplanes +straight above him. At the thought that he might have been in one of +them he shuddered violently. Indeed he felt so unwell that the need +for some slight restorative became pressing. He tripped off to the +_estaminet_. + +It was empty save for one table. Gaspard walked towards it, hoping +for a little conversation. The occupant lowered the newspaper from in +front of his face and looked up. + +It was too much for Gaspard. + +"Coward!" he shrieked. + +Jacques, who had been just going to say the same thing, hastily +substituted "Serpent!" + +"I know you," cried Gaspard. "You send your instructor up in your +place. Poltroon!" + +Jacques picked up his glass and poured the wine of the country over +his friend's head. + +"Drown, serpent," he said magnificently. He beckoned to the waiter. +"Another bottle," he said. "My friend has drunk all this." + +Gaspard removed the wine from his whiskers with Jacques' paper and +leant over him. + +"This must be wiped out in blood," he said slowly. "Name your +weapons." + +"Submarines," said Jacques after a moment's thought. + +A.A.M. + + * * * * * + +THE SWANS OF YPRES. + + Ypres was once a weaving town, + Where merchants jostled up and down + And merry shuttles used to ply; + On the looms the fleeces were + Brought from the mart at Winchester, + And silver flax from Burgundy. + + Who is weaving there to-night? + Only the moon, whose shuttle white + Makes silver warp on dyke and pond; + Her hands fling veils of lily-woof + On riven spire and open roof + And on the haggard marsh beyond. + + No happy ghosts or fairies haunt + The ancient city, huddling gaunt, + Where waggons crawl with anxious wheel + And o'er the marshland desolate + Win slowly to the battered gate + That Flemings call the Gate of Lille. + + Yet by some wonder it befalls + That, where the lonely outer walls + Brood in the silent pool below, + Among the sedges of the moat, + Like lilies furled, the two swans float; + "The Swans of Ypres" men call them now. + + They have heard guns and many men + Come and depart and come again, + They have seen strange disastrous things, + When fire and fume rolled o'er their nest; + But changeless and aloof they rest, + The Swans of Ypres, with folded wings. + + * * * * * + + "Will Treasury notes ever be displaced by boxes of chocolates? + "--_Daily Paper_. + +Certainly. Ours often are. + + * * * * * + +From the report of the Committee on the Staffing of Government Offices +we gather that there has been a good deal of overflapping. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRANSPORT FACILITIES.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mistress._ "OH, JANE, HOW DID YOU DO THAT?" + +_Maid._ "I'M VERY SORRY, MUM; I WAS ACCIDENTALLY DUSTING."] + + * * * * * + +THE SCHLOSS BILLET. + +We had not expected much of a billet in a defeated and starving +country; that was probably why everybody was enthusiastic over it--at +first. I, as billeting officer, was especially proud of having +discovered it. The very thing for Brigade Headquarters--secluded, +dignified, commanding and spacious. + +A couple of kilos from the gates through the drive brings you to +the Schloss. Entering a hall about the size of a modern theatre you +journey to the ante-room, a vast apartment, which for space compares +favourably with the Coliseum at Rome. A world-exhibition of pictures +and tapestries covers the walls of the Schloss, while an acre or two +of painted ceiling shows the chief events of German history, from the +Creation to the Franco-Prussian War. + +In the Dining-room, reached by a progress over carpets and rugs +representative of all the best periods of Oriental art, it would +be fairly easy to stage a review on the table itself; while in the +Music-room a hundred or so lorries could be parked without attracting +observation too glaringly. Should the need arise, the Library could +accommodate a battalion on parade, a rifle range or sufficient +office room for Q branch of a division. A labyrinth of corridors and +servants' bedrooms harbours the rank and file, and it is said that the +number of kitchens, pantries and cellars in the north and east wings +runs into three figures. + +The Divisional Commander called it "homely"; the Corps Commander +remarked that its style was "not cramped, anyhow--what?" and the Army +Commander pronounced it very "cosy." + +The first two days I did not see my servant at all. On Wednesday he +turned up just before lunch. On Monday and Tuesday, he explained, he +had wandered through corridors and passages trying to find my room, +and, by rising an hour before _reveille_, he thought he would be able +to get from his quarters to mine by about breakfast-time. + +We used to adjourn to the billiard-room after dinner, but gave it up +because it was necessary to stop play at half-past ten in order to be +in bed by midnight. Signals is worried because he has not enough line +left to reach Battalions, all available supplies having been used up +in connecting the General's room with various parts of the Schloss. +We are continually late for dinner owing to errors in judging the +distances from one room to another. Our once happy family has +dissolved into silent morose individuals, for we have grown strange +and distant to one another. Liaison between departments has broken +down, and the Staff-Captain whom I saw yesterday in the distance is +suffering from premature decay. + +But a solution has been found, for the Engineers are unloading a +couple of Nissen huts to put up in the hall, and we shall soon be a +united family once more. + + * * * * * + + "The surveyor said that as things were at present he had little + or no authority over the men who, for the most part, simply + considered him his equal."--_Trade Paper._ + +If he doesn't take a stronger line the men will consider him his +inferior. + + * * * * * + +From a short story:-- + + "She was a slip of a thing, with the sort of eyes that go well + with curly long lashes--if they are blue, as hers were."--_Weekly + Paper._ + +Our local _coiffeur_ only stocks the old-fashioned peroxide. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OVERWEIGHTED. + +PRESIDENT WILSON. "HERE'S YOUR OLIVE BRANCH. NOW GET BUSY." DOVE OF +PEACE. "OF COURSE I WANT TO PLEASE EVERYBODY; BUT ISN'T THIS A BIT +THICK?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE STRENUOUS LIFE. + +BEFORE TAKING OFFICE ALL MEMBERS IN FUTURE WILL HAVE TO PASS A TEST OF +THEIR ABILITY TO SUSTAIN A PROLONGED FLIGHT, FIVE THOUSAND FEET UP, AT +A HUNDRED-AND-SEVENTY MILES AN HOUR.] + +_Monday, March 17th_.--Mr. GEORGE TERRELL, always a little inclined to +look upon the black side of things, was apprehensive about the spread +of Bolshevism in this country. Not so Lord HENRY BENTINCK, who +genially exploded with "Is not Bolshevism in this country a pure +bogey?" Not quite that, perhaps; but I gathered that in Mr. BONAR +LAW'S opinion it hasn't a ghost of a chance. + +Great cheers from the Wee Frees greeted the advent of Mr. A.E. +NEWBOULD, the victor of West Leyton, whose defeat of the Coalition +candidate has increased the size of their party by something like four +per cent. As the new Member is understood to be connected with the +film business his colleagues are hoping that they will soon have +Ministers on the "movies." + +We know on high authority that evil communications corrupt good +manners. Sir ERIC GEDDES goes further and believes that they corrupt +everything. That was the text of his capital speech on the second +reading of the Transportation Bill. Dispensing on this occasion with +his usual typescript, he discoursed at large for an hour and a-half on +the paralytic condition of our railways, roads, canals and docks. + +We all had our pleasant morning dreams, he said, but they usually +disappeared after we had had our cold bath; and the country, which was +no longer rich, but poor, must take its douche. His own dream is of a +beautifully centralised control, directing all our traffic agencies +(save tramways and shipping) into the most convenient channels; and he +won't be happy till he gets it. But judging by some of the speeches +that followed he too may have a frigid disillusionment when the Bill +comes up against the "interests" in Committee. Mr. T.P. O'CONNOR, +on behalf of Liverpool, described it as the product of "an old +bureaucracy and a young Parliamentarian," and Mr. RENWICK declared +that, if it passed, the Manchester Ship Canal would be "between +the devil and the deep sea," surely an uncalled-for attack on +Cottonopolis. + +Upon the adjournment, Col. CLAUDE LOWTHER again raised the question of +the payment of German indemnities, and Mr. BONAR LAW again declared +that the policy of the Government was to demand the largest amount +that Germany could pay, but not to demand what we knew she couldn't +pay. It would have saved him a lot of trouble if at the General +Election the Government spokesmen had insisted as much upon the second +half of the policy as they did upon the first. + +_Tuesday, March 18th_.--GILBERT'S fanciful description of the "most +susceptible Chancellor" is justified by the way in which the present +occupant of the Woolsack and his predecessors vie with one another in +the endeavour to secure the favour of the fair sex. Today it was +Lord HALDANE'S turn to oblige, and he brought in a Bill to enable +Scotswomen to become Advocates and Law Agents. Lord HALSBURY'S +contribution to the work of feminine emancipation has not yet been +announced. The rumour that a deputation of ladies recently approached +him with a proposal that they should be eligible for judicial +office--"Scarlet and ermine are _so_ becoming"--and that he put them +off with the old joke about there being "enough old women on the Bench +already" is, of course, apocryphal. + +Not infrequently in the official reports of the Lords' debates a +speech begins thus: "Lord ---- (_who was indistinctly heard_)." The +Commons' report might well adopt this salutary practice as a warning +to Members who persistently mumble, or who address their remarks to +the body of the House instead of to the SPEAKER. Ministers are the +worst offenders. One of them was asked this afternoon, for example, +whether the Judicial Adviser to the SULTAN had discouraged the use of +the English language in the Egyptian Courts, but all we could hear of +the _sotto voce_ conversation between him and his interrogator was +that "er--er--language--er--had--been--er--er--misunderstood." + +Some savages, travellers tell us, are unable to count beyond five. +Some Ministers, on the other hand, show an inability to reckon except +in millions. Mr. CHURCHILL, when asked how many soldiers were not +receiving the recent increase of pay, remarked casually that the +numbers were "not so very great--half-a-million would cover them." +Happily these "sloppy statistics" (to recall a phrase used by Mr. +ASQUITH during the Tariff Reform controversy) do not appeal to the +FOOD-CONTROLLER. He, being invited to say whether the Government had +made "approximately £2,400,000" by the charge on cattle-sales, replied +that the amount was "approximately" £3,449,939; and we felt that he +was cut to the heart at not being able to give the odd shillings and +pence. + +The renewed debate on the Transportation Bill revealed a good deal +of opposition. Roadmen thought it an excellent project for railways; +railwayman were all in favour of its being applied to docks; and +dockmen had no objection to its being tried on the roads. But none of +them wanted it for his own particular interest. Sir EDWARD CARSON'S +objections were both particular and general. Belfast would be ruined +if its port were controlled by "a nest of politicians" in Dublin, but +apart from that he doubted whether the promised economies would +be realised in any direction. Ministers were "gluttons for +centralisation," and would, he prophesied, incur the usual fate of +gluttons, acute indigestion. + +Mr. BONAR LAW, while admitting that he himself would not have voted +for the Bill five years ago, declared that the War had made it +essential. That seemed to be the general opinion, for the second +reading was agreed to without a division. + +_Wednesday, March 19th_.--Lord MALMESBURY, who has lately been the +victim of a burglary, attributed it to housebreakers having been +demobilised before policemen. Whether this was done on the ground that +they conducted "one man businesses," or because someone in Whitehall +assumed that the wielders of the centre-bit must be "pivotal," I do +not know, but an Army Order requiring Commanding Officers to keep +the balance even between criminals and coppers seems to be urgently +needed. + +The Bishops were delighted to hear from Lord ERNLE that his department +includes a Hop-Controller, and are going to ask him to turn his +attention to the Jazz. + +Museums could not be opened just yet, said Lord STANMORE, because some +eight thousand officials of various departments were at present lodged +in these buildings. To judge by the comments of the public Press, +there are several hundreds more who ought to be kept there. + +_Thursday, March 20th_.--Lord WINTERTON wanted to know what the +Government was doing to counteract Mr. BERNARD SHAW'S alleged +anti-British propaganda in the United States. Mr. CECIL HARMSWORTH +thought Professor OMAN'S recent memorandum would prove a sufficient +counterblast. He had, however, no objection to adding Mr. SHAW'S +latest pamphlet to "the large budget of Shavian literature" already at +the Foreign Office, where, it is said, the clerks on night-duty like +to beguile their leisure with light fiction. + +Late in the evening Mr. BONAR LAW announced the intentions of the +Government with regard to the coal industry. It would adopt Mr. +Justice SANKEY'S report, giving the men a large portion of their +demands. If the miners still persisted in striking--well, the State +would strike too, with all its might; otherwise there was an end of +government in this country. The cheers which greeted this statement +seriously annoyed Mr. JACK JONES, who sits for Silvertown, and +maintains the explosive reputation of his constituency. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE CROWN OF OLD KING COAL. + +TRYING IT ON.] + + * * * * * + +THE CROSSING-SWEEPER. + + Five years ago he swept the snow, + Or the mud, or the dust or the leaves that blow, + Or stood at the corner "dossing"; + Picking up rubbish and dangerous rind + That careless people had left behind, + He swept the crossing. + + And still he sweeps and clears the way + In blizzard and mist and soaking spray, + Out on the Channel tossing; + Picking up mines of a devilish kind + That unscrupulous people have left behind, + He sweeps the crossing. + + * * * * * + + "COAL STRIKE POPSTONED." + + _Provincial Paper_. + +Much the best thing to do with it. + + * * * * * + +DRAMATISTS TO THE RESCUE. + +In view of the theory developed by the Ministry of Reconstruction's +Sub-Committee on Organisation and Conditions of Domestic Service, +that "the attitude adopted by the Press and the Stage is usually an +unfortunate one, as servants are frequently represented as comic or +flippant characters, and are held up to ridicule," a meeting of our +leading dramatists was hastily convened last evening by Lady +HEADFORT (who, it will be remembered, is all for calling her maids +"Home-birds") to engage their sympathetic co-operation in aid of +mistresses, housekeepers and employers generally. What the stage +has taken away the stage must give back: that is Lady HEADFORT'S +contention. Not that the domestic problem will even then be settled; +there will probably still be difficulty in persuading W.A.A.C.s and +Land Women and Munitioners who have tasted blood to descend below +stairs again; but perhaps a little help will be forthcoming. Hence +this influential gathering. + +Sir SQUIRE BANCROFT, who presided, said that the domestic problem +was one of great seriousness. Personally he rarely descended to the +servants' hall, but he did not pretend to be unaware of the usefulness +of such regions and of our dependence upon them. There must be give +and take. If the stage had been guilty of too much levity in its +portraiture of domestic servants, then, in the interests of all of us, +it must make what our lively neighbours call the _amende honorable_. + +Sir JAMES BARRIE said that no one could hold him personally to blame. +His plays had always exhibited domestic servants in a most favourable +light. Not only was a butler the hero of _The Admirable Crichton_, a +maidservant the heroine of _A Kiss for Cinderella_ and a charwoman the +heroine of _The Old Lady Shows Her Medals_, but the actual authorship +of _Peter Pan_ was given to the smallest nursemaid on record. + +Mr. SOMERSET MAUGHAM also claimed to be on the side of the home-birds. +Had he not in _Smith_ written a part of strong parlour-maid interest +for Miss MARIE LÖHR? + +Mr. G.B. SHAW said that there was no need for the meeting at all, +because he was just putting the finishing touches to a witty drama +which would settle the whole question. In this play, which, he could +tell them on the best authority in the world, his own, was a work of +surpassing genius, the Irish Question, which had baffled statesmen and +philosophers for centuries, is settled once and for all by the wisdom +and presence of mind of a Kerry kitchenmaid. + +The Chairman said that perhaps the meeting might as well proceed with +its discussion, since there was always the possibility that the run +of Mr. SHAW'S play might not equal that of his last, which, he +understood, had just been produced in New York and had come off almost +at once. + +Mr. HENRY ARTHUR JONES said that if any branch of art could effect +social transformations it was the drama. Personally he looked upon the +stage as only one degree less powerful than the Senate and vastly more +serious than the Church. Its first duty was to instruct, elevate and +reform; to amuse was never its true function. Hence, if the dramatists +of the country cared to take up the task of remedying the servant +shortage, the matter would be quickly settled. But only, added the +speaker with extreme gravity, if the authors of the pernicious rubbish +known as _revue_ were first gagged and bound. + +Mr. MAX PEMBERTON said that, although he had given up _revue_ writing +in favour of transforming farcical plays, he felt that he might make +an appeal to the authors of _revue_ (who often exceeded the audience +in number) to join in this very laudable campaign. Speaking as one of +the two-and-twenty Hippodromios, although no longer in that capacity, +he would appeal to his successors to paint life below stairs in such +resplendent hues that the desire instantly to take service would be +implanted in every female bosom. + +Mr. ALFRED SUTRO, speaking at the moment not so much as a dramatist as +a man without a cook, said that he agreed heartily with the sentiments +of the gentleman who had just sat down. + +Sir ARTHUR WING PINERO said that he was always willing to help worthy +causes and was as ready to write a play for the object in view as, not +long since, he had been to write one to encourage economy. But it was +useless unless the company chosen would co-operate. The dramatist did +not stand alone. So long as the ordinary stage idea of a parlourmaid +was a saucy nymph with a feather brush and very short skirts, so long +would dramatists strive in vain to exalt her calling. He was prepared +to do his best, but feared that the actors' traditions would prove too +strong. + +Mr. WALTER MELVILLE said that he hoped nothing would be done to tamper +with such traditions as Sir ARTHUR complained of. It was the duty of a +stage servant to begin plays and to be funny. The curtain of a farce +should rise on a butler and a parlourmaid remarking on the fact that +master was suspiciously late last night; and the butler should be +amorous, bibulous and peculative, and the parlourmaid coy and trim. +Similarly, footmen should be haughty and drop their aitches, cooks +short-tempered, red and fat, and office-boys knowing and cheeky. The +public expected it, and the public ought to have it because the public +paid. + +There being no further remarks, the meeting dispersed, the various +speakers returning sadly home to perform the household duties. + + * * * * * + + "EX-KAISER TO PAP THE PENALTY." + + _Sunday Paper_. + +We always feared he would get off with a soft punishment. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration:_Docker_ (_by way of concluding a heated argument with +Scotsman_). "WELL, GO UP THERE, THEN, AN' TALK TO YOUR BLINKIN' +SCOTCH PALS."] + + * * * * * + +OUR POPULAR GUIDES. + + "HOW INFLUENZA MAY BE SPREAD." + + _Headline in a Daily Paper_. + + * * * * * + +A correspondent writes: "It may interest you to know that I recently +received the following statement from a provincial branch of a +floor-cloth company:-- + + 'Owing to some of the principal ingredients used in the + manufacture of floor coverings having been taken over by the + Ministry of Food, the price of the material is again advanced.' + +Have you noticed it at all in your soup?" + + * * * * * + +THE HOUSE-HUNTER + +Unless something is done for Higgins without delay the nation must +prepare to face a tremendous rise in the rate of mortality among +house-agents. + +Soon after he came back from the War he began to adopt a threatening +attitude (as the police-court witnesses say) towards these gentlemen. +Recently he has gone beyond the threatening stage. If rumour can be +trusted, he has thrown at least six of them through their office +windows. He has taken a dislike to the whole tribe. They are, in his +opinion, a gang of criminals for whom no punishment could be too +severe, because they impose upon the public in general and Higgins in +particular, by continuing in business as if they were in a position to +let houses when, as a matter of fact, there are no houses for them to +let. + +Higgins wants a house. Yes, incredible though it may sound, this man, +who for years has been content to dwell in a dug-out or consort with +creeping things in the confines of a canvas tent, and even on occasion +make his bed beneath the starry dome of heaven, with nothing in +between, has now developed a craving for a residence built of bricks +and mortar. + +What is more, he expects the house-agents to find it for him, and, +since he considers the whole thing from the purely personal point of +view, their excuses for failing to do so are of no avail. The fact +that half a million other people want houses is nothing to him. He +ignores it. He believes that the house-agentry of the country has +hatched a gigantic conspiracy to keep him, Higgins, out of a home. + +I have done _my_ best to put him out of his misery. After seeing the +poor wretch wear himself (and his boots) out in useless journeying to +and from the places where house-agents pretend to work I thought of a +scheme--not strictly original--for obtaining a house and presented it +to him without hope of reward. + +"You are committing and error," I said. + +"I shall commit a murder in a minute," he growled but, knowing what he +had suffered, I took no notice of the threat. + +"Listen," I said; "all the habitable houses in England are occupied +and it will be years before the new ones are built. The painting of +"TO LET" boards has become a lost art. You are wasting your time in +looking for an _empty_ dwelling. Take my advice. Choose one that is +occupied, any one you fancy, and empty it." + +At this point he interpolated an offensive expression with which I was +not familiar before I joined the army, but I overlooked that also. + +"You think it is impossible, but you are wrong," I told him. "This +scheme is bound to succeed. All you have to do is to haunt the house. +You do not eject the tenant yourself. You conjure up a ghost to do it +for you." + +"The devil!" + +"No--not necessarily. An ordinary ghost will do." + +"But, my dear good fool, how in Hades or out of it can I produce a +ghost?" + +"Easily. By _suggestion_. That is the secret. This is an age of +suggestion. Doctors are curing patients by suggestion. Politicians +hypnotise the public by suggestion. And you can frighten the present +occupants out of your chosen home by suggestion. No real ghost +is required. Having selected the house you pay a call and lay +ground-bait, so to speak. You tell the tenant you are interested in +the place because you happen to know that at one time it was haunted. +You relate a gruesome tale of some mysterious tragedy that you say has +occurred there, and generally make your victim's flesh creep. + +"He or she, a woman for choice, will probably laugh at first. Never +mind. Allow a few days for the idea to sink in, and then call again. +It is a hundred to one that you will hear that strange manifestations +have been observed. After that it will be plain sailing. You will +continue to call, always supplying fresh suggestion, until at last, +thoroughly unnerved, the tenant will bolt, probably taking refuge in +a hotel. That will be your chance. Snatch the place up at once, and +there you are." + +For the first time since he was demobilised, Higgins smiled. + +"By Heavens!" he said, "I'll try it. There's a little place at Croydon +which would be a perfect billet. I will pay my first visit at once." + +He sauntered away, proclaiming in song the satisfactory condition of +rose-culture in Picardy. + +Yesterday he came back. + +His face was grim. There was a light in his eye which I did not like. +He made no mention of roses blooming in Picardy or anywhere else. + +"How is the scheme working?" I asked. "Have you called on the Croydon +gentleman?" + +"I have," he answered; "and when I had laid the blessed ground-bait, +as you call it, he told me he always did think there was a ghost about +the place, and he was delighted to have his theory confirmed. He wants +more details now. He invites me to furnish evidence. What for, you +ask? Well, you see, he happens to be an active member of the Society +for Psychical Research." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Polite Stranger (during the busy hour on the +Underground_). "WON'T YOU SHARE MY HANDLE, MADAM?"] + + * * * * * + +SILLY SEASONING. + +The strange case of the halibut and the cormorant, recently reported +in the daily Press, has brought us a budget of interesting letters, +from which we select the following as agreeable evidence of the return +of normal conditions in the fish-story-telling industry:-- + +_Gullane, N.B._ + + Dear Sir,--One of the most striking results of the War has been + its effect on the mentality of birds and animals and even fishes. + The papers have lately contained accounts of a halibut which + swallowed a cormorant and survived the exploit only to fall a + victim to the wiles of a North Sea fisherman. As the cormorant + is generally regarded to be the _dernier cri_ in voracity, the + incident illustrates the old saying of the biter bit. As a rule + birds of prey have the upper hand in their contests with the + finny denizens of the deep. But the triumph of the halibut is not + altogether unprecedented. I remember, when I was cruising in the + China Seas in the year 1854, witnessing a combat between a dolphin + and a Bombay duck, in which the latter came off second-best. And + some thirty years later, during a yachting excursion off the + Scilly Isles, I saw an even more remarkable duel between a + porbeagle--as the Cornish people call the mackerel-shark--and a + pipit, in which, strange to relate, the bird came off victorious. + + Believe me to be, Sir, + + Yours truthfully, + + CONSTANTINE PHIBSON. + + + _Tara, Diddlebury_. + + DEAR SIR,--When I was an undergraduate at Cambridge in the + 'sixties a "Limerick" was current which began as follows:-- + + "There was an adventurous sole + Which swallowed an albatross whole." + + Unfortunately I cannot remember the conclusion of the stanza, nor + am I able to state whether it was founded on fact or was merely an + ebullition of lyrical fancy. In the latter case the lines are + a striking instance of the prophetic power of minstrelsy, and + justify the use of the word "_vates_," or seer, as applied to + poets by the ancient Romans. + + I have the honour to be, Sir, + + Yours faithfully, + + SEPTIMUS BOWLONG. + + + _Rougemont Villa, Crookhaven._ + + DEAR SIR,--The halibut-cormorant episode has attracted undue + attention, since many similar but far more extraordinary incidents + have occurred during the War, but have passed unrecorded owing + to the claims of Bellona. I will confine myself to one which was + witnessed by my daughter Anna in course of bathing at Sheringham + in August, 1917. While swimming underwater she collided with a + middle-sized sea-serpent, which was evidently in difficulties and + made its way to the beach, where it expired. The post-mortem, + which was conducted by Professor Darcy Johnson, F.R.S., revealed + that the serpent had been choked by a gigantic gooseberry, which + had formed part of the cargo of a Greenland tramp torpedoed by an + enemy submarine. The serpent was actually being stuffed when a + bomb dropped by a Zeppelin blew it into infinitesimal smithereens, + to the profound disappointment of the Professor and my daughter + Anna, who has never been quite the same woman since. Permit me to + subscribe myself + + Yours faithfully, + + ALEXANDER NIAS. + + + _Steep Hill, Cramlington._ + + DEAR SIR,--There is nothing surprising in the story of a halibut + devouring a cormorant. As you will see from consulting _Murray_, + halibut means "holy-butt" (or flat-fish), and holy fishes are + possessed of magical powers. When I lived on the coast of Florida + I had a tame tarpon, which could swallow anything--croquet balls, + door scrapers--and once ate an entire cottage pianoforte in + half-an-hour. Here I may add that in my travels in Turkestan I was + attacked by a boa-constrictor, and, though I escaped with my life, + it proceeded to swallow the Bactrian camel on which I was riding. + On the following day, however, when the boa was still in a + comatose condition, I killed it with a boomerang, rescued the + camel and continued my journey without further mishap. + + I am, Sir, Yours veraciously, + + ANDREW MERRIMAN. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady Driver (just joined)_. "OH, SERGEANT, I HOPE I +SHAN'T UPSET MY FIRST PASSENGER!" + +_Sergeant (A.S.C., M.T.)._ "PASSENGER, MISS! DON'T LET THAT WORRY YOU. +PLENTY MORE PASSENGERS!"] + + * * * * * + +THE SIX-HOUR DAY. + +AN ANTICIPATION. + + ["If the husband's hours are reduced to six that gives the wife a + chance. The home and the children are as much his as hers. With + his enlarged leisure he will now be able to take a fair share in + home duties." + + _Mrs. WILL CROOKS_.] + + Jock Mackay was a lusty soul; + He earned his livelihood winning coal; + Black with grime, all huddled and bent, + A third of his life in the pit he spent; + A third he slept and a third he slacked + Training the whippet his fancy backed, + Or talking strikes with a fervent zest + In the bar of the neighbouring "Miners' Rest." + + Jean Mackay was his wife; her day + Started or ever the dawn was grey; + She lit the fire, she shook the mats, + She frizzled the bacon and dressed the brats, + She darned and mended, she made the beds, + She combed the tugs in the tousled heads, + She knitted the socks, she washed and baked + Till every bone in her body ached; + She toiled and moiled in a non-stop fight + From six in the morning till ten at night. + + But there dawned a day when Jock Mackay + Came home from the mine with a dancing eye + And a laugh in his heart, and he cried out, "Jean, + 'Tis the grandest day that the warl' has seen! + The lads are a' cheerin' and rinnin' fey, + For the Government's gien us the sax-hour day." + + Jean stopped scrubbing. "Is't true?" said she; + "I wish ye luck. But bide a wee. + Noo that the battle is owre an' done, + What will ye dae wi' the hours ye've won?" + + "What will I dae wi' them? What I like. + I'll tak' a bit turn wi' my wee bit tyke, + Or call for a crack wi' the lads at the "Rest," + And mebbe I micht tak' a drap, if pressed." + + "That's a' vera weel, but bide a bit. + Ye work sax hours a day in your pit, + But I'd hae ye to bear in mind," said Jean, + "While ye work sax I work saxteen." + + Jock scratched his head. "Ay, lass, that's sae. + Aweel, an' what would ye hae me dae?" + + "Fair does," she answered; "it's only fair + That ye should be takin' your ain just share, + An' help me in keepin' the hame for a spell + In the extry hours that ye've got to yoursel', + Sae, while I'm scrubbin' the floor," she said, + "Ye micht be pittin' the bairns tae bed." + Jock laughed. "I doot there's somethin' in it; + I'll stairt on my duties this verra minute." + + A week went by: Jock learnt to scrub, + He gave the bairns their Saturday tub, + He made the beds, he blacked the grates, + He washed up saucers and cups and plates, + He cleaned and polished, he boiled and baked + Till every bone in his body ached. + + Around the neighbourhood rumour flew; + Soon every wife in the village knew + That Jock, when his spell in the pit was done, + Was cook, nurse, parlourmaid rolled into one; + And every wife she vowed that her man + Should be trained on the same super-excellent plan. + * * * * * + Behold these lusty miners all + Fettered fast in domestic thrall, + Scrubbing, rubbing, baking bread, + Busy with scissors and needle and thread, + Spreading the brats their bread and jam, + Trundling them out in the morning pram, + Washing their pinafores clean and white + And tucking them up in their cots at night. + * * * * * + Ask me not--for I cannot tell, + I can only guess--how the end befell: + A wifely word, an angry scowl, + A bit of a grumble, a bit of a growl, + A scolding here, a squabbling there, + And here the sound of an ugly swear, + A cry of despair from the sore opprest, + A secret call to the "Miners' Rest," + A sudden revolt from the brooms and mats, + And a roar from a thousand throats--"Down brats!" + * * * * * + "What--striking again?" you cry, aghast. + Nay, friend, cheer up, for the worst is past; + A glint of blue may be seen through the grey-- + _They are asking again for an eight-hour day_. + + * * * * * + +THE DISCIPLINARIAN. + +Saluting is rapidly becoming a thing of the past, even among +British-born soldiers. Dating from the Armistice, it has lapsed more +and more, until now it is practically extinct. + +Now I regard this as serious. I have ever been a stickler for +discipline, and consequently I dislike it when men pass by--not, like +the Levite, on the other side--but close to me without so much as a +click of the eyeballs. + +So I decided that I as a disciplinarian would make a stand against it; +I would keep my eyes open for any particularly flagrant case. When I +found it I intended to let myself go. I promised myself an agreeable +ten minutes--or longer, if I got properly worked up. + +My chance came the other day. I was strolling down Regent Street when +three N.C.O.'s, including a sergeant, passed me. They did not salute. +I might have been a civilian for all the notice they took of me. Ha! +my hour had come. + +Turning, I hastened after them. + +"Sergeant, a word." + +They stopped and the Sergeant asked if I was speaking to him. + +"Have you ever heard of the little word 'Sir,' Sergeant?" I asked +severely. "Evidently not. However I pass over that. But a moment ago +you went by me without saluting. Deliberately--inexcusably. I was as +close to you as I am now." + +"But how--" began the Sergeant. + +"Not a word," I cut him short. "Not a word. You know perfectly well +that you have neglected your duty grossly. Now tell me. Is it your own +idea to drop saluting, or has Mr. CHURCHILL had a word in your ear?" +(Sarcasm is my strong point.) + +"But look here--" said the Sergeant, rather red in the face. + +"Do not interrupt," I thundered, warming to my work. "How, I ask, +do you expect the ordinary soldier to salute when _you_ slink past +officers--you, who ought to be a shining example? Now I am going to +report--" + +Something in the Sergeant's eye, which seemed to be travelling over my +person generally, made me suddenly glance down at myself, and it was +then that, horror-struck, I realised that I was wearing for the first +time my new ten-guinea suit. + +As I faded away the Sergeant clicked his heels and saluted smartly. + + * * * * * + +THE STRUGGLE FOR LIFE. + + "Lady will exchange clothing, self, little girl, for farm butter, + eggs, jam."--_The Lady_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Infuriated Italian (who has recently purchased a +British Army horse)._ "FAIR WORDS DID I SPEAK HIM, SAYING, 'PEDRO, +AVANTI PIANISSIMO,' AND--BEHOLD!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_ + +_Within The Rim_ (COLLINS) is, I suppose, the last of the posthumous +volumes of Mr. HENRY JAMES. It is a short book, produced with the +beauty that I have already grown to associate with the imprint of its +publishers, and containing five occasional pieces. Of these the first, +which gives its title to the whole, is the most considerable: an essay +of very moving poignancy, telling the emotion of the writer during +the earliest months of the War, in "the most beautiful English summer +conceivable," months that he "was to spend so much of in looking over +from the old rampart of a little high-perched Sussex town at the +bright blue streak of the Channel ... and staring at the bright mystery +beyond the rim of the farthest opaline reach." In the thoughts to +which HENRY JAMES here gives expression one may find much of the love +and sympathy for this country that subsequently led to that assumption +of British citizenship which he intended as their demonstration to the +world. Of interest also in this same paper is the revelation of a mind +that knew already by a personal experience (of the American Civil War) +"what immensities our affair would carry in its bosom--a knowledge +that flattered me by its hint of immunity from illusion." I would not +be understood that this is a volume for the casual reader, or even for +one desirous of making a first acquaintance with the Master, since +much of it exemplifies not only the beauty but the perplexities of +his later style; but it is certainly one which his disciples will not +willingly be without. + + * * * * * + +_Notebooks of a Spinster Lady_ (CASSELL) is smallish talk about +biggish wigs of the Victorian era, but not on that sole account to be +condemned. Perhaps rather wholesome as showing how little distant we +are from an age of government of the people by superior people for +superior people. The notebooks cover the years 1878-1903, but the +anecdotes have a much wider range, are often indeed of a venerable +antiquity. The lady of the notebooks was not, I fancy, of a critical +temper, and versions not too credible of well-known _contes_ figure in +her quiet kindly pages. There are moreover stories which I should not +hesitate to describe as of an appalling banality if they were not +concerned with such very nice people. On the whole I don't think it +quite fair to the spinster lady to have published her notes. They may +well have been painstaking jottings to provide material for polite +conversation and have sounded much better than they read in cold +print. For myself the real heroine of the book is _Maria_, the poet's +wife, who, on being waked and adjured by her spouse to get up and +strike a light for that he had just thought of a good word, replied +in un-Victorian mood, "Get up yourself! I have just thought of a bad +one." + + * * * * * + +_Love--on Leave_ (PEARSON) is the sufficiently expressive title that +Miss JESSIE POPE has chosen for a small book of little courtship +tales. You never saw a volume of its size, more packed with love, +which is shown leaping walls, laughing at locksmiths and generally +making the world go round in its proverbial fashion. The pace of the +revolutions may be found a little disconcerting. You will perhaps be +inclined to amend the title and call the collection "Love on _Short_ +Leave," to mark the regularity with which the respective heroes and +heroines fall into each others' arms at the end of every dozen pages +or so. As a matter of fact, the incident that is to my mind the best +of the bunch is an exception to this rule of osculation--a happily +imagined little comedy of a young wife who thought to avoid the visit +of a tiresome sister-in-law by betaking herself for the night to +the branches of a spreading beech. Whether in actual life this is a +probable course of conduct need not exercise your mind; at least not +enough to prevent your enjoyment of her arboreal adventure, which +comes, as I say, with the more freshness as a break in what might else +be a surfeit of proposals. In effect, a gallant little florin's +worth of _fiançailles_; though, if you wish to avoid feeling like a +matrimonial agency, you will be well-advised to take it by instalments +rather than in bulk. + + * * * * * + +Among the pacific warriors in the great 1914-18 struggle there is +probably none who did better work, often under conditions of the +gravest peril, than Mr. G.M. TREVELYAN for the Red Cross in Italy. +Disqualified both by age and health from joining the army of attack, +he threw himself into the task--a labour of love--of tending the +sick and wounded of that country which he knows so well and of whose +greatest modern hero he is the classic biographer. That the eulogist +of GARIBALDI should hasten to the succour of Italian soldiers was +fitting, and how well he performed the task the records of the Villa +Trenta Hospital, near Udine, and of the ambulance drivers under his +command, abundantly tell. The story of this beneficent campaign and of +much besides is told with too much modesty by Mr. TREVELYAN himself, +in a book entitled _Scenes from Italy's War_ (JACK), which gives a +series of the vividest impressions of the Italian effort, and is +remarkable for the best analysis that I have yet seen of the causes +that led to the disaster of Caporetto. The pages in which Mr. +TREVELYAN paints the portrait of a typical Italian soldier, home sick +and perplexed, are likely to be borrowed by many more pretentious +historians of the War for years to come. + + * * * * * + +Mr. JOHN HARGRAVE, the author and illustrator of _The Great War Brings +It Home_ (CONSTABLE) has already a wide reputation in the world +of Scouts, gained not only by his enthusiasm but by his profound +knowledge of scout-craft. Here he tells us very plainly that the War +has brought home to us the fact that, if we are to make good our +losses in the ranks of the young and the fit, we have got to give our +children a better chance of living healthy, wholesome lives. He urges +the need of more outdoor education and as many open-air camps as +possible, and shows that, if we are to carry out such a scheme as he +lays in detail before us, scoutmasters and still more scoutmasters are +wanted. With reason he complains that none of these good fellows is +paid one halfpenny, and that nearly all of them are young men who have +to get a living. "Offer them," he says, "a living wage and how gladly +would they become national scoutmasters in charge of national camps." +You may, if you are on the look-out for it, find much that will seem +fantastic in Mr. HARGRAVE'S ideas; his appeal, however, is not to +those of us who, even in a case of great national urgency, cannot get +away from the tyranny of convention. Intrinsically his idea is sound, +and I plead with all my heart for a fair consideration of his schemes +and for help in their development. + + * * * * * + +Mr. REX BEACH is one of the few prolific writers whose stories +increase in power as they increase in number, and this though they are +essentially novels of action rather than novels of thought. Of his +latest effort, _The Winds of Chance_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), one may +say that there is not a tedious page in it. The scene is laid in +Yukon, a very vortex of life and colour and excitement in fiction, +whatever it may seem to the actual inhabitants. The true hero of the +story, _Napoleon Doret_, the French voyageur, wins his heart's desire +in the end and we breathe a sigh of relief. The other hero is left +the accepted swain of the daughter of the Colonel of the North-West +Mounted Police at Dawson, and this we find a little hard to swallow, +seeing what shady, not to say immoral, company, male and female, he +had just been basking in. He is a weak creature and certainly should +have married the _Countess Courteau_, an Amazonian lady, who would +have kept him in order. But that is to be fastidious. The story is +crisp and vivid, and, anyway, those ancient prospectors, _Tom Linton_ +and _Jerry McQuirk_, are worth twice the money. + + * * * * * + +Mr. Punch has great pleasure in commending to his readers two volumes +of verse--_Rhymes of the Red Ensign_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), by Miss +C. FOX SMITH, and _The Poets in Picardy_ (MURRAY), by Major E. DE +STEIN--in which they will recognise many poems that have appeared in +his pages. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Master_. "BUT, JENKINS, THE NAME OF THE COMPLAINT IS +NOT PEWMONIA. SURELY YOU'VE HEARD ME AGAIN AND AGAIN SAY 'PNEUMONIA'?" + +_Man_. "WELL, SIR, I 'AVE; BUT I DIDN'T LIKE TO CORRECT YOU."] + + * * * * * + +HOW TO SOLVE THE FOOD PROBLEM. + + "Superior Working Housekeeper and young Maid for Ladies' College. + No cooking; students sleep only."--_Church Times_. + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + + "The interesting announcement is made that a regular air service + for perishable goods and passengers is to be established at + Edinburgh."--_Scotsman_. + + * * * * * + + "The London season has begun with its usual extensive programme of + religious services in various London churches."--_Scots Paper_. + +The best comment that we have yet seen on this statement occurs in the +following (also from a Scots paper):-- + + "The Commander-in-Chief has borne testimony on behalf of the Grand + Fleet to the work that the Scittish Bishops have done for the Navy + during the War." + + +END. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Punch, Volume 156, 26 March 1919, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11284 *** |