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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11284 ***
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 156.
+
+
+
+March 26, 1919.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+WILLIAM HOHENZOLLERN is reported to be busy sawing trees. Some declare
+that his energy is due to an hallucination that they are German
+generals. Others say the whole story is a clumsy attempt to discredit
+him with the Labour party.
+
+       ***
+
+Dublin Corporation has decided to increase its revenue by eight
+thousand pounds by raising the charge on water. Citizens are urged to
+put patriotism before prejudice and give the stuff a trial.
+
+       ***
+
+The inconveniences that attend influenza reached their climax a few
+days ago when an occupant of a crowded tube train blew the nose of the
+man next to him in mistake for his own.
+
+       ***
+
+The beggar who has been going about telling a pitiful story of being
+wounded by a trench-mortar during the Jutland battle is now regarded
+by the police as an impostor.
+
+       ***
+
+A defendant in a County Court case at Liverpool last week stated in
+his evidence that he had been on the telephone for the last twenty
+years. In fairness to the Postal authorities he should have admitted
+that it was a trunk call.
+
+       ***
+
+[Illustration: _Foreman (late R.S.M.)._ "'ERE! YOU AIN'T IN THE ARMY
+NOW. THERE'S NO CALL FOR _YOU_ TO KEEP A WATCH ON THE RHINE."]
+
+       ***
+
+A lady-correspondent, writing to a daily paper, laments the fact
+that the War has changed a great many husbands. Surely the wife who
+receives the wrong husband can get some sort of redress from the War
+Office.
+
+       ***
+
+All the main-line railways are to be electrified, Sir ERIC GEDDES told
+the House of Commons. Meanwhile he has successfully electrified all
+the old buffers.
+
+       ***
+
+A number of women are doing good work as mates on Medway sailing
+barges. The denial of the report that one of them recently looked at
+a Wapping policeman for five minutes on end without once repeating
+herself may be ascribed to professional jealousy.
+
+       ***
+
+"The small car," says a trade contemporary, "has come to stop." We can
+well believe it. It is an old habit.
+
+       ***
+
+It has been discovered that the new Education Act, which prohibits
+boys under twelve being worked for more than two hours on Sunday, may
+apply to choir-boys. A Commission, we understand, is to be called upon
+to decide finally whether they are really boys or just little demons.
+
+       ***
+
+A man who applied to the Bloomsbury County Court for relief against an
+eviction order stated that he could find no other suitable house, as
+he had nine children under fourteen years of age. His residential
+problem remains unsolved, but we understand, with regard to the other
+difficulty, that the Board of Works has offered to sell him a card
+index at considerably below cost.
+
+       ***
+
+"Bridegrooms," says a contemporary, "are discovering that weddings
+cost more." The growing practice among fathers-in-law of delivering
+their daughters "free at rail," instead of, as formerly, "from house
+to house," may have something to do with it.
+
+       ***
+
+"Ramsgate," says _The Daily Mail_, "is racing Margate in Thanet's
+reconstruction." At present Margate still claims to lead by one
+nigger and two winkle-barrows.
+
+       ***
+
+The Colorado Legislature has passed a resolution in favour of Irish
+independence. The remark attributed to Mr. A.J. BALFOUR, that he
+always thought Colorado was the name of a twopenny cigar, has failed
+to make the situation easier.
+
+       ***
+
+"A pupil at a West London 'out-of-work' school," says a news item,
+"daily attends his studies in an opera-hat." On being informed of this
+fact, Sir THOMAS BEECHAM is reported to have expressed the opinion
+that its significance was obvious.
+
+       ***
+
+President WILSON, it is announced, hopes to visit Scotland shortly for
+some golf. He believes that some adjustment of the dispute as to the
+respective merits of the running-up and pitch-and-stop methods of
+approach should be embodied in the Peace terms if international
+harmony is to be really secured.
+
+       ***
+
+Primroses and crocuses are blooming in North London. Pending an
+official announcement by _The Daily Mail_ people are requested to
+accept this as a preliminary Spring.
+
+       ***
+
+Concrete ships, says a Government official, can be made in moulds. But
+of course you must not forget to grease the tin.
+
+       ***
+
+A Sinn Feiner, arriving home in Crossgar, Co. Down, last week, had
+a very hearty welcome. Thirteen spectators and seven policemen were
+injured.
+
+       ***
+
+Many members of the Bar are greatly afraid that some learned judge
+will ask, "What is the Jazz-step?" before the question has really been
+settled by the dancers themselves.
+
+       ***
+
+The young lady who, on receiving a proposal of marriage over the
+telephone last week, replied, "Yes, who's speaking?" turns out to be
+an ex-typist recently demobilised from the Air Ministry.
+
+       ***
+
+It is interesting to note that to-day is the anniversary of the day
+that was not a Flag-day last year.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER SEX-PROBLEM.
+
+    "Information Wanted as to the whereabouts of James ---- (née Liza
+    ----), ship agent. Last heard of 30 years ago."--_Glasgow Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRELIMINARY DOVE: ITS PROSPECTS.
+
+  Within a little week or two,
+    So all our sanguine prints declare,
+  The Dove (or Bird of Peace) is due
+    To spread its wings and take the air,
+      Like Mr. THOMAS when he flew
+      Across the firmamental blue
+      To join the PREMIER in communion
+      Touching the Railway Workers' Union.
+
+  We've waited many a weary week
+    With bulging eyes and fevered brow,
+  While WILSON pressed upon its beak
+    His League-of-Nations' olive bough,
+      Wondering what amount of weight
+      Its efforts could negotiate,
+      How much, in fact, the bird would stand
+      Without collapsing on the land.
+
+  And, even though it should contrive
+    To keep its pinions on the flap,
+  And by a _tour de force_ survive
+    This devastating handicap,
+      Yet are there perils in the skies
+      Whereon we blandly shut our eyes,
+      But which are bound to be incurred,
+      And, notably, the Bolshy-bird.
+
+  This brand of vulture, most obscene,
+    May have designs upon the Dove;
+  Its carrion taste was never keen
+    On the Millennial reign of Love;
+      And I, for one, am stiff with fear
+      About our little friend's career,
+      Lest that disgusting fowl should maul
+      And eat it, olive-branch and all.
+
+  I mention this to mark the quaint
+    Notion of "Peace" the public has,
+  That wants to smear the Town with paint,
+    To whoop and jubilate and jazz;
+      And while our flappers beat the floor
+      There's Russia soaked in seas of gore,
+      And LENIN waxing beastly fat;
+      Nobody seems to think of that.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PERFECTLY UNAUTHENTIC ANECDOTES.
+
+_which may be reproduced (with the permission of Mr. Punch) in any
+forthcoming volume of Anybody's Reminiscences_.
+
+"You do things so sketchily and casually," said FRITH to WHISTLER one
+day. "Now when I paint a picture I take pains. 'The Derby Day' cost me
+weeks and months of sleeplessness. I did nothing else; I gave my whole
+mind to it." "Oh," said WHISTLER, "that's where it's gone to, is it?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When Mr. BERNARD SHAW made his tour of the ports in order to
+popularise Socialism in the Navy, he was courteously received at
+Portsmouth by Sir HEDWORTH MEUX. The talk happened to turn on the
+theatre, and the Admiral was candid enough to confess himself somewhat
+at sea with regard to the merits of contemporary writers. "Now, Mr.
+SHAW," he said in his breezy way, "I wish you would tell me who is the
+most eminent of the playwrights of to-day?" "Ay, ay, Sir," said Mr.
+SHAW promptly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Dr. Brotherton told me that he was once with MATTHEW ARNOLD in an
+election crowd at Oxford, when the Professor of Poetry accidentally
+collided with a working-man flown with Radicalism and beer. "Go to
+blazes!" said the proletarian. "My friend," replied ARNOLD, "we are
+well met. In me you see the official representative of Literature,
+whereas you, I perceive, stand for Dogma."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mrs. Brown of Newquay, who claims to be the original _Mrs.
+Partington_, told me that SYDNEY SMITH'S last years were overclouded
+by his inability to discover the riddle to which the answer is
+contained in the words, "The one rode a horse and the other rode a
+dendron."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Probably few people remember a Nottinghamshire poet of an earlier
+day who fulfilled with much conscientiousness the duties of local
+laureate. It was the age of Notts's pre-eminence in cricket, and that,
+with other reasons, inspired the bard to write some verses which
+opened with the line, "Is there a county to compare with Notts?" The
+county of Derby was jealous of its neighbour in other things besides
+sport, and considered itself to have scored when its own tame minstrel
+retorted with a parody ending:--
+
+    "Is there a county to compare with Notts?
+                                       Lots!"
+
+Unfortunately the thing was catching, and other counties did their
+best to follow suit, though with considerable difficulty as to rhymes.
+I think it was a singer of Tavistock who won the laurels. After
+disposing of an adjacent rival with the contemptuous jingle,
+"Dorset--Curse it!" he wound up:--
+
+  "Is there a country to compare with Devon?
+                                    Heaven!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Lady Crownderby once told me that she was among the first to see Lord
+HOUGHTON on his return from Spain, and she asked him what he thought
+of Spanish women in comparison with those of our own country. "My dear
+lady," replied HOUGHTON, "I feel like LOT when he escaped from the
+Cities of the Plain."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At a dinner given in honour of her nephew's appointment to a Rural
+Deanery, Mrs. Hinkson-Hanksey told me that she once rallied DISRAELI
+on his lack of religious profession, saying how much it compromised
+him in the eyes of many of his fellow-countrymen in comparison with
+his great rival. "My dear lady," said DISRAELI, "you are aware that
+the New Testament divides all men into two categories. Without
+specifying the class to which I personally belong, I am quite willing
+to admit that Mr. GLADSTONE is a sheep and possesses many of the
+characteristics of that admirable animal."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When I was at Hawarden in the summer of 1893, little DOROTHY DREW
+asked her grandfather for the loan of a book "to press flowers in."
+It is a process, as readers may know, not good for the book, and I
+thought the illustrious statesman and bibliophile looked a little
+embarrassed. But his face cleared in a moment, and he went out of the
+room and presently returned with a sufficient volume, in which the
+flowers were duly laid, the book being then, with the united efforts
+of the company, subjected to the necessary pressure under a heavy
+cabinet. Anxious to know which volume of his beloved library Mr.
+GLADSTONE had selected for desecration, I took an early opportunity
+of furtively examining the title of the tortured tome. It was
+_Coningsby_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY.
+
+    "Councillor ----'s son will be married to the eldest daughter of
+    Councillor ----. The members of the Corporation are invited to the
+    suspicious event."--_Local Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DISTRACTIONS OF AN INDISPENSABLE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sergeant_. "Now, ME LAD, A SUIT OF MUFTI OR FORTY-FIVE
+SHILLINGS?" _Tommy_. "OO, LUMME! I'LL PAY THE FINE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GALLERY PLAY.
+
+
+It wasn't till Panmore noticed its absence on his return from France
+that I remembered the little oil painting which I had left at the
+Ferndale Gallery on sale or return, during the early days of the War,
+when my financial outlook was bad.
+
+Panmore said he had always wanted to buy it, but hadn't liked to ask
+me if I would part with it. I assured him that excess even of delicacy
+was a mistake and that I would try to get the picture back.
+
+So I wrote to the Gallery thus:--
+
+    DEAR SIRS (it seemed absurd to write "Dear Gallery"),--In 1914 or
+    1915 I brought you a small oil painting, which you agreed to sell
+    or return to me. As I haven't heard from you since, I conclude
+    that there has been nothing doing in such pictures and I should
+    like to have it back. The picture is quite a small one, about the
+    size of an ordinary book, and so far as I recollect it portrays
+    a man looking at a horse, to see if its withers stand where they
+    did; or perhaps wondering whether he would sell it and buy a
+    scooter. As a matter of fact I never took particular notice of the
+    picture, not caring for it, but a friend of mine who knows it well
+    appears interested in it and wants to buy it. So please let me
+    have it back as soon as possible.
+
+    Yours faithfully,
+
+    THEOPHILUS B. PIPER-CARY.
+
+    P.S.--By the way, there's a cow, I remember, in the background; a
+    red one. Not a red background; a red cow.
+
+This was the answer I received:--
+
+    DEAR SIR,--In reply to yours of the 13th inst., we remember your
+    visit, but cannot trace having such a picture as you describe in
+    our possession at present. We believe you dealt with our Mr. James
+    Langford, who joined up in May, 1915, and is not yet demobilised.
+    He is in Egypt at the moment, we understand, and we are afraid it
+    would take some time to get into communication with him.
+
+    We shall be glad if under the circumstances you will allow the
+    matter to rest until his return.
+
+    In any case we are afraid we cannot hold ourselves responsible for
+    the picture, unless you can produce a receipt from us proving that
+    it reached us.
+
+    We are, Yours obediently,
+
+    _pp_. THE FERNDALE GALLERY.
+
+    J.S.
+
+The last paragraph in their letter gave me the impression that they
+knew they had the picture but had mislaid it. Meanwhile Panmore seemed
+so hot on it and I was so badly hit by the War that I thought I would
+have another shot at recovering it. So I addressed the Gallery as
+follows:--
+
+    DEAR SIRS,--Thanks for your letter, and in reply I should be
+    obliged if you could get another search party out. I have found
+    a receipt for the picture, signed with a name that might, if
+    straightened out, be James Langford.
+
+    My friend is getting quite excited about it, and he is the sort
+    of person one wants to humour. He is a Lieut.-Colonel, an O.B.E.,
+    and, what is more important still, one of the feoffees of
+    Buckley's Hospital (a fifteenth-century foundation here), and
+    whatever a feoffee may be he is not the kind of man to toy with in
+    a small town like this.
+
+    I forgot to mention that there is an inn on the left of the
+    picture, and a girl coming out of it carrying, perhaps, a
+    bran-mash for the horse or some Government dope for the man, and
+    there are some hens, all fully regardant and expectant, at her
+    feet.
+
+    Hoping to hear in the course of a post or two that you have found
+    the painting,
+
+    I am, Yours anxiously,
+
+    THEOPHILUS B. PIPER-CARY.
+
+    P.S.--Don't forget there's a cow in the background; a red cow.
+
+Three days later I received a picture (not mine) from the Gallery with
+this letter:--
+
+    DEAR SIR,--After a most exhaustive search we have found and send
+    herewith what we believe to be your picture, though it does not
+    quite answer to your description. It is, however, the only one of
+    which we do not appear to have any record.
+
+    Our Mr. Langford seems likely to be abroad for some months, so
+    unless you will accept this picture in settlement of the matter we
+    do not see any present way out of the difficulty.
+
+    Confident that, if it is not yours, it is at least just as good,
+    we trust that you will agree to cry quits.
+
+    We are, Yours obediently,
+
+    _pp._ THE FERNDALE GALLERY.
+
+    J.S.
+
+Why they should feel sure it was just as good, unless they remembered
+my picture, wasn't very clear, but evidently the receipt had put the
+wind up them, and I wrote and accepted the substitute at once, because
+Panmore liked it better even than the original picture. He said it was
+an Alken and gave me far more than I would have thought of asking for
+it, or for the original one.
+
+About a week after selling it I received this wire from the Gallery:--
+
+    Please return painting sent in error. Very valuable Alken. Have
+    customer.
+
+    FERNDALE.
+
+"Diamond cut diamond," I said to myself. And I replied thus:--
+
+    DEAR SIRS,--I received your wire, but regret that I cannot comply
+    with your request. Firstly, because I have already accepted the
+    picture which you regarded as mine or its equivalent, in place of
+    the one that was mine and is now yours; and, secondly, because my
+    friend the feoffee has already bought it, the one that was yours
+    and is now mine, or rather his (you know what I mean, don't you?),
+    and I haven't the heart to ask him to return it.
+
+    Perhaps yours (the one that is now yours and was mine before),
+    being the equivalent of the one that was yours and is now mine (or
+    rather the feoffee's), would suit your client. I can only suggest
+    your having another look for it; the matter so far as I am
+    concerned is at an end. Yours faithfully,
+
+    THEOPHILUS B. PIPER-CARY.
+
+    P.S.--You'll know it when you find it. There's a red cow in the
+    background.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sentence of Mike Ancon, found guilty of housekeeping, was
+    postponed yesterday afternoon."--_Manitoba Free Press._
+
+This species of crime is almost extinct in England.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE "HESITATION" WALTZ.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE RISING EGG.
+
+Whatever may be the decline in the price of eggs their social
+movement is clearly upwards. The following passage from _The Croydon
+Advertiser_ gives an admirable life-history of the egg, from shell to
+profit-sharing:--
+
+    "Eggs will be dated and graded and sold accordingly, and as soon
+    as they have done laying fattened for table purposes, also young
+    cockerels. They will be killed and plucked, and the feathers will
+    be sorted and sold in the best markets. So you see they will
+    receive full market price for their produce; then if they are
+    shareholders they will receive a further profit in the difference
+    between the cost and the selling, also the very big amounts
+    received for the skins and the feathers."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL.
+
+_Oldest Inhabitant._ "I NEVER EXPECTED TO LIVE TILL THE END OF THE
+WAR, MA'AM; BUT NOW I'M HOPING TO BE SPARED TO SEE THE BEGINNING OF
+THE NEXT ONE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHOICE BOOKS OF THE WEEK.
+
+THE NEW PARIS SKETCH-BOOK; OR, THE FIRST FIFTY THOUSAND.
+
+By GLADYS FLAPPERTON, O.B.E., Author of _Peace and Plenty of It._
+
+This charming volume describes in detail the delightful Parisian
+holiday which has been provided by the Government under the best
+possible conditions for young ladies with (and without) a knowledge of
+typewriting.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_TIGER LILY,
+
+A POEM IN FOURTEEN SPASMS._
+
+By WOODROW WILSON.
+
+Affectionately dedicated to M. CLEMENCEAU.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HISTORY OF FREDERICK THE GREAT.
+
+BY HAROLD SMITH, M.P.
+
+("England's Harold.")
+
+With an Introduction by the LORD CHANCELLOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+O SMILLIE, WE HAVE MISSED YOU, AND OTHER LYRICS.
+
+Highly recommended by Messrs. MUDIE and SANKEY (the Author).
+
+Copies of this beautiful work have been accepted by several mining
+royalties.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GEDDES BIOGRAPHICAL DICTIONARY.
+
+Publication of the Second Volume (AUC--ERIC).
+
+It is hoped to complete in twelve handsome volumes this the first
+attempt to record and codify the achievements and services of the
+GEDDES family in the Great War.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WASTEWARD HO!
+
+A ROMANCE OF CIPPENHAM.
+
+With an Introductory Apologia by Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEXT WAR.
+
+    ["As the result of a conference called by the War Office it has
+    been decided to wage a war of annihilation against the warble-fly.
+    It is hoped that by means of concerted action through the country
+    this pestilent insect, so injurious to the hides of horses and
+    cattle, may be completely stamped out."    _Daily Paper._]
+
+  The warble-fly, the warble-fly
+  Is absolutely doomed to die.
+  They've summoned all the General Staff,
+  There's going to be a mighty "strafe,"
+  And soon the land from shore to shore
+  Will echo with the din of war,
+  As armèd hosts with martial cries
+  Descend upon the warble-flies.
+
+  We've got the shells, we've got the guns
+  (The same that overwhelmed the Huns),
+  And, what is more, we've got the Man;
+  With WINSTON riding in the van
+  I do not think there's any doubt
+  That we shall put the foe to rout,
+  And, scorning peace by compromise,
+  Annihilate the warble-flies.
+
+  In tranquil peace the gentle beeves
+  Shall chew their cud through summer eves;
+  No more shall that alarming warble
+  Affright the calm of heifer or bull,
+  And send them snorting round the croft
+  With eyes of fear and tails aloft.
+  Till every warble-fly be floored
+  Whitehall will _never_ sheathe the sword.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Growth of Impropriety.
+
+    "Her hair is always exquisitely dressed, and her shoes in perfect
+    shape. No more in the way of dress is required of any woman."
+
+    _Daily Mirror._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "PROPOSED IMPROVEMENT OF A DANGEROUS CORONER."
+
+    _Headline in Provincial Paper._
+
+The best plan, possibly, would be to get the jury to sit on him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NEWSPAPER HEADINGS POPULARLY ILLUSTRATED.
+
+"INFLUENZA MICROBE DISCOVERED AT A LONDON HOSPITAL."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. BLOGGINS'S STATEMENT.
+
+It is not too much to say that bed-making circles in Cambridge have
+been agitated to their utmost depths by the recent advent of some
+hundreds of American youths who have come to pursue certain courses
+of study within the University walls. Let us make one thing perfectly
+clear. Bed-makers do not object to Americans as Americans, but this
+avalanche of Transatlantics arrives on the very eve of the vacation,
+just when the bed-makers are packing off the contingent of young Naval
+officers who have been making things hum during the past term.
+
+Persuaded that their too-brief holidays will be entirely absorbed in
+attending to the Americans, the bed-makers urge with some justice that
+they too are entitled to enjoy the beautiful things of this enchanting
+world quite as much as miners and railway-men. We understand that
+meetings of their Association are being held, and that the University
+authorities are faced by a situation which is rapidly passing beyond
+their control. Bed-makers are amongst the most loyal members of the
+community, but they feel, as a prominent member of the profession
+put it, that "the last camel breaks the straw's back," and they are
+determined to uphold their immemorial rights.
+
+We have thought it our duty therefore to interview the celebrated Mrs.
+Bloggins, the _doyenne_ of the Corps of Bed-makers of Trinity College.
+We found the lady in her home in Paradise Walk, where she was engaged
+in eating some excellent buttered toast. We lost no time in explaining
+the purport of our visit.
+
+"We desire to know, Mrs. Bloggins," we began, "what your feelings are
+with regard to the Americans."
+
+"Ah," said Mrs. Bloggins, speaking with deep emotion, "you may well
+call 'em Americans, for I've never bin so troubled about anythink
+before. Some people seem to git the notion into their 'eads that
+bed-makers do no work. Why we're arst to slave from mornin' till
+night, and our pay is paltry. Things in Cambridge isn't like what they
+was. Time was when our young gentlemen used to 'ave big dinners
+in their rooms, and a careful bed-maker could save a bone or two.
+Nowadays they,'re only cheese-parers, that's what I call 'em. You
+won't believe me, I know, but my mother, who was a bed-maker afore me,
+used to 'ave a month at the seaside every year, all paid for out of
+money give to 'er by 'er young gentlemen. To be sure there was a
+wrangler, or somethink of that kind, who didn't come up to the mark,
+so she soon got rid of 'im; 'e used to find 'is butter was took by the
+cat, and accidents of that kind.
+
+"Mind yer," she continued, "I ain't got nothink to say against the
+Americans. They may be the most liberal-'earted gentlemen in the world
+for all I know. But it's the principle of the thing I'm objectin' to.
+It's a case of kill me quick or cure me to-morrow, and if President
+WILSON was to talk till next week 'e couldn't make it no different.
+You can't make a silk sock out of a side of bacon, and that's true
+whichever way you look at it."
+
+"But what steps," we urged, "does your Association intend to take,
+Mrs. Bloggins, over this matter?"
+
+"I don't know nothink about no 'sociations," said Mrs. Bloggins, "but
+I do know that we're all in it, and Mrs. Pledger and Mrs. 'Uggins, and
+the rest of 'em, we knows our power and we intends to use it."
+
+"In what way do you mean?" I said.
+
+She looked at me cunningly.
+
+"Now you're spyin'. It's dirty work and I won't 'ave it 'ere. You
+might be the Proctor hisself for all I cares--you're not going to
+ferret nothink out of me."
+
+Hereupon she rose with great dignity and plainly indicated that the
+interview was at an end.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    La Haute Cuisine.
+
+    "Cook; French; age 38; wages £25-£30 week."--_Morning Post._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE DEATH.
+
+    [According to the papers, two Frenchmen have agreed to fight a
+    duel in aeroplanes.]
+
+"Cauliflower!" shrieked Gaspard Volauvent across the little table in
+the _estaminet_. His face bristled with rage.
+
+"Serpent!" replied Jacques Rissolo, bristling with equal dexterity.
+
+The two stout little men glared ferociously at each other. Then
+Jacques picked up his glass and poured the wine of the country over
+his friend's head.
+
+"Drown, serpent!" he said magnificently. He beckoned to the waiter.
+"Another bottle," he said. "My friend has drunk all this."
+
+Gaspard removed the wine from his whiskers with the local paper and
+leant over the table towards Jacques.
+
+"This must be wiped out in blood," he said slowly. "You understand?"
+
+"Perfectly," replied the other. "The only question is whose."
+
+"Name your weapons," said Gaspard Volauvent grandly.
+
+"Aeroplanes," replied Jacques Rissole after a moment's thought.
+
+"Bah! I cannot fly."
+
+"Then I win," said Jacques simply.
+
+The other looked at him in astonishment.
+
+"What! You fly?"
+
+"No; but I can learn."
+
+"Then I will learn too," said Gaspard with dignity. "We meet--in six
+months?"
+
+"Good." Jacques pointed to the ceiling. "Say three thousand feet up."
+
+"Three thousand four hundred," said Gaspard for the sake of
+disagreeing.
+
+"After all, that is for our seconds to arrange. My friend Épinard of
+the Roullens Aerodrome will act for me. He will also instruct me how
+to bring serpents to the ground."
+
+"With the idea of cleansing the sky of cauliflowers," said Gaspard, "I
+shall proceed to the flying-ground at Dormancourt; Blanchaille, the
+instructor there, will receive your friend."
+
+He bowed and walked out.
+
+Details were soon settled. On a date six months ahead the two
+combatants would meet three thousand two hundred feet above the little
+town in which they lived, and fight to the death. In the event of both
+crashing, the one who crashed last would be deemed the victor. It was
+Gaspard's second who insisted on this clause; Gaspard himself felt
+that it did not matter.
+
+The first month of instruction went by. At the end of it Jacques
+Rissole had only one hope. It was that when he crashed he should crash
+on some of Gaspard's family. Gaspard had no hope, but one consolation.
+It was that no crash could involve his stomach, which he invariably
+left behind him as soon as the aeroplane rose.
+
+At the end of the second month Gaspard wrote to Jacques.
+
+"My friend," he wrote, "the hatred of you which I nurse in my bosom,
+and which fills me with the desire to purge you from the sky, is in
+danger of being transferred to my instructor. Let us therefore meet
+and renew our enmity."
+
+Jacques Rissole wrote back to Gaspard.
+
+"My enemy," he wrote, "there is nobody in the whole of the Roullens
+aerodrome whom I do not detest with a detestation beside which my
+hatred for you seems as maudlin adoration. This is notwithstanding the
+fact that I make the most marvellous progress in the art of flying. It
+is merely something in their faces which annoys me. Let me therefore
+see yours again, in the hope that it will make me think more kindly of
+theirs."
+
+They met, poured wine over each other and parted. After another month
+the need of a further stimulant was felt. They met again, and agreed
+to insult each other weekly.
+
+On the last day of his training Gaspard spoke seriously to his
+instructor.
+
+"You see that I make nothing of it," he said. "My thoughts are ever
+with the stomach that I leave behind. Not once have I been in a
+position to take control. How then can I fight? My friend, I arrange
+it all. You shall take my place."
+
+"Is that quite fair to Rissole?" asked Blanchaille doubtfully.
+
+"Do not think that I want you to hurt him. That is not necessary. He
+will hurt himself. Keep out of his way until he has finished with
+himself, and then fly back here. It is easy."
+
+It seemed the best way; indeed the only way. Gaspard Volauvent could
+never get to the _rendezvous_ alone, and it would be fatal to his
+honour if Jacques arrived there and found nobody to meet him.
+Reluctantly Blanchaille agreed.
+
+At the appointed hour Gaspard put his head cautiously out of his
+bedroom window and gazed up into the heavens. He saw two aeroplanes
+straight above him. At the thought that he might have been in one of
+them he shuddered violently. Indeed he felt so unwell that the need
+for some slight restorative became pressing. He tripped off to the
+_estaminet_.
+
+It was empty save for one table. Gaspard walked towards it, hoping
+for a little conversation. The occupant lowered the newspaper from in
+front of his face and looked up.
+
+It was too much for Gaspard.
+
+"Coward!" he shrieked.
+
+Jacques, who had been just going to say the same thing, hastily
+substituted "Serpent!"
+
+"I know you," cried Gaspard. "You send your instructor up in your
+place. Poltroon!"
+
+Jacques picked up his glass and poured the wine of the country over
+his friend's head.
+
+"Drown, serpent," he said magnificently. He beckoned to the waiter.
+"Another bottle," he said. "My friend has drunk all this."
+
+Gaspard removed the wine from his whiskers with Jacques' paper and
+leant over him.
+
+"This must be wiped out in blood," he said slowly. "Name your
+weapons."
+
+"Submarines," said Jacques after a moment's thought.
+
+A.A.M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SWANS OF YPRES.
+
+  Ypres was once a weaving town,
+  Where merchants jostled up and down
+    And merry shuttles used to ply;
+  On the looms the fleeces were
+  Brought from the mart at Winchester,
+    And silver flax from Burgundy.
+
+  Who is weaving there to-night?
+  Only the moon, whose shuttle white
+    Makes silver warp on dyke and pond;
+  Her hands fling veils of lily-woof
+  On riven spire and open roof
+    And on the haggard marsh beyond.
+
+  No happy ghosts or fairies haunt
+  The ancient city, huddling gaunt,
+    Where waggons crawl with anxious wheel
+  And o'er the marshland desolate
+  Win slowly to the battered gate
+    That Flemings call the Gate of Lille.
+
+  Yet by some wonder it befalls
+  That, where the lonely outer walls
+    Brood in the silent pool below,
+  Among the sedges of the moat,
+  Like lilies furled, the two swans float;
+    "The Swans of Ypres" men call them now.
+
+  They have heard guns and many men
+  Come and depart and come again,
+    They have seen strange disastrous things,
+  When fire and fume rolled o'er their nest;
+  But changeless and aloof they rest,
+    The Swans of Ypres, with folded wings.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Will Treasury notes ever be displaced by boxes of chocolates?
+    "--_Daily Paper_.
+
+Certainly. Ours often are.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the report of the Committee on the Staffing of Government Offices
+we gather that there has been a good deal of overflapping.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRANSPORT FACILITIES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress._ "OH, JANE, HOW DID YOU DO THAT?"
+
+_Maid._ "I'M VERY SORRY, MUM; I WAS ACCIDENTALLY DUSTING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SCHLOSS BILLET.
+
+We had not expected much of a billet in a defeated and starving
+country; that was probably why everybody was enthusiastic over it--at
+first. I, as billeting officer, was especially proud of having
+discovered it. The very thing for Brigade Headquarters--secluded,
+dignified, commanding and spacious.
+
+A couple of kilos from the gates through the drive brings you to
+the Schloss. Entering a hall about the size of a modern theatre you
+journey to the ante-room, a vast apartment, which for space compares
+favourably with the Coliseum at Rome. A world-exhibition of pictures
+and tapestries covers the walls of the Schloss, while an acre or two
+of painted ceiling shows the chief events of German history, from the
+Creation to the Franco-Prussian War.
+
+In the Dining-room, reached by a progress over carpets and rugs
+representative of all the best periods of Oriental art, it would
+be fairly easy to stage a review on the table itself; while in the
+Music-room a hundred or so lorries could be parked without attracting
+observation too glaringly. Should the need arise, the Library could
+accommodate a battalion on parade, a rifle range or sufficient
+office room for Q branch of a division. A labyrinth of corridors and
+servants' bedrooms harbours the rank and file, and it is said that the
+number of kitchens, pantries and cellars in the north and east wings
+runs into three figures.
+
+The Divisional Commander called it "homely"; the Corps Commander
+remarked that its style was "not cramped, anyhow--what?" and the Army
+Commander pronounced it very "cosy."
+
+The first two days I did not see my servant at all. On Wednesday he
+turned up just before lunch. On Monday and Tuesday, he explained, he
+had wandered through corridors and passages trying to find my room,
+and, by rising an hour before _reveille_, he thought he would be able
+to get from his quarters to mine by about breakfast-time.
+
+We used to adjourn to the billiard-room after dinner, but gave it up
+because it was necessary to stop play at half-past ten in order to be
+in bed by midnight. Signals is worried because he has not enough line
+left to reach Battalions, all available supplies having been used up
+in connecting the General's room with various parts of the Schloss.
+We are continually late for dinner owing to errors in judging the
+distances from one room to another. Our once happy family has
+dissolved into silent morose individuals, for we have grown strange
+and distant to one another. Liaison between departments has broken
+down, and the Staff-Captain whom I saw yesterday in the distance is
+suffering from premature decay.
+
+But a solution has been found, for the Engineers are unloading a
+couple of Nissen huts to put up in the hall, and we shall soon be a
+united family once more.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The surveyor said that as things were at present he had little
+    or no authority over the men who, for the most part, simply
+    considered him his equal."--_Trade Paper._
+
+If he doesn't take a stronger line the men will consider him his
+inferior.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a short story:--
+
+    "She was a slip of a thing, with the sort of eyes that go well
+    with curly long lashes--if they are blue, as hers were."--_Weekly
+    Paper._
+
+Our local _coiffeur_ only stocks the old-fashioned peroxide.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OVERWEIGHTED.
+
+PRESIDENT WILSON. "HERE'S YOUR OLIVE BRANCH. NOW GET BUSY." DOVE OF
+PEACE. "OF COURSE I WANT TO PLEASE EVERYBODY; BUT ISN'T THIS A BIT
+THICK?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE STRENUOUS LIFE.
+
+BEFORE TAKING OFFICE ALL MEMBERS IN FUTURE WILL HAVE TO PASS A TEST OF
+THEIR ABILITY TO SUSTAIN A PROLONGED FLIGHT, FIVE THOUSAND FEET UP, AT
+A HUNDRED-AND-SEVENTY MILES AN HOUR.]
+
+_Monday, March 17th_.--Mr. GEORGE TERRELL, always a little inclined to
+look upon the black side of things, was apprehensive about the spread
+of Bolshevism in this country. Not so Lord HENRY BENTINCK, who
+genially exploded with "Is not Bolshevism in this country a pure
+bogey?" Not quite that, perhaps; but I gathered that in Mr. BONAR
+LAW'S opinion it hasn't a ghost of a chance.
+
+Great cheers from the Wee Frees greeted the advent of Mr. A.E.
+NEWBOULD, the victor of West Leyton, whose defeat of the Coalition
+candidate has increased the size of their party by something like four
+per cent. As the new Member is understood to be connected with the
+film business his colleagues are hoping that they will soon have
+Ministers on the "movies."
+
+We know on high authority that evil communications corrupt good
+manners. Sir ERIC GEDDES goes further and believes that they corrupt
+everything. That was the text of his capital speech on the second
+reading of the Transportation Bill. Dispensing on this occasion with
+his usual typescript, he discoursed at large for an hour and a-half on
+the paralytic condition of our railways, roads, canals and docks.
+
+We all had our pleasant morning dreams, he said, but they usually
+disappeared after we had had our cold bath; and the country, which was
+no longer rich, but poor, must take its douche. His own dream is of a
+beautifully centralised control, directing all our traffic agencies
+(save tramways and shipping) into the most convenient channels; and he
+won't be happy till he gets it. But judging by some of the speeches
+that followed he too may have a frigid disillusionment when the Bill
+comes up against the "interests" in Committee. Mr. T.P. O'CONNOR,
+on behalf of Liverpool, described it as the product of "an old
+bureaucracy and a young Parliamentarian," and Mr. RENWICK declared
+that, if it passed, the Manchester Ship Canal would be "between
+the devil and the deep sea," surely an uncalled-for attack on
+Cottonopolis.
+
+Upon the adjournment, Col. CLAUDE LOWTHER again raised the question of
+the payment of German indemnities, and Mr. BONAR LAW again declared
+that the policy of the Government was to demand the largest amount
+that Germany could pay, but not to demand what we knew she couldn't
+pay. It would have saved him a lot of trouble if at the General
+Election the Government spokesmen had insisted as much upon the second
+half of the policy as they did upon the first.
+
+_Tuesday, March 18th_.--GILBERT'S fanciful description of the "most
+susceptible Chancellor" is justified by the way in which the present
+occupant of the Woolsack and his predecessors vie with one another in
+the endeavour to secure the favour of the fair sex. Today it was
+Lord HALDANE'S turn to oblige, and he brought in a Bill to enable
+Scotswomen to become Advocates and Law Agents. Lord HALSBURY'S
+contribution to the work of feminine emancipation has not yet been
+announced. The rumour that a deputation of ladies recently approached
+him with a proposal that they should be eligible for judicial
+office--"Scarlet and ermine are _so_ becoming"--and that he put them
+off with the old joke about there being "enough old women on the Bench
+already" is, of course, apocryphal.
+
+Not infrequently in the official reports of the Lords' debates a
+speech begins thus: "Lord ---- (_who was indistinctly heard_)." The
+Commons' report might well adopt this salutary practice as a warning
+to Members who persistently mumble, or who address their remarks to
+the body of the House instead of to the SPEAKER. Ministers are the
+worst offenders. One of them was asked this afternoon, for example,
+whether the Judicial Adviser to the SULTAN had discouraged the use of
+the English language in the Egyptian Courts, but all we could hear of
+the _sotto voce_ conversation between him and his interrogator was
+that "er--er--language--er--had--been--er--er--misunderstood."
+
+Some savages, travellers tell us, are unable to count beyond five.
+Some Ministers, on the other hand, show an inability to reckon except
+in millions. Mr. CHURCHILL, when asked how many soldiers were not
+receiving the recent increase of pay, remarked casually that the
+numbers were "not so very great--half-a-million would cover them."
+Happily these "sloppy statistics" (to recall a phrase used by Mr.
+ASQUITH during the Tariff Reform controversy) do not appeal to the
+FOOD-CONTROLLER. He, being invited to say whether the Government had
+made "approximately £2,400,000" by the charge on cattle-sales, replied
+that the amount was "approximately" £3,449,939; and we felt that he
+was cut to the heart at not being able to give the odd shillings and
+pence.
+
+The renewed debate on the Transportation Bill revealed a good deal
+of opposition. Roadmen thought it an excellent project for railways;
+railwayman were all in favour of its being applied to docks; and
+dockmen had no objection to its being tried on the roads. But none of
+them wanted it for his own particular interest. Sir EDWARD CARSON'S
+objections were both particular and general. Belfast would be ruined
+if its port were controlled by "a nest of politicians" in Dublin, but
+apart from that he doubted whether the promised economies would
+be realised in any direction. Ministers were "gluttons for
+centralisation," and would, he prophesied, incur the usual fate of
+gluttons, acute indigestion.
+
+Mr. BONAR LAW, while admitting that he himself would not have voted
+for the Bill five years ago, declared that the War had made it
+essential. That seemed to be the general opinion, for the second
+reading was agreed to without a division.
+
+_Wednesday, March 19th_.--Lord MALMESBURY, who has lately been the
+victim of a burglary, attributed it to housebreakers having been
+demobilised before policemen. Whether this was done on the ground that
+they conducted "one man businesses," or because someone in Whitehall
+assumed that the wielders of the centre-bit must be "pivotal," I do
+not know, but an Army Order requiring Commanding Officers to keep
+the balance even between criminals and coppers seems to be urgently
+needed.
+
+The Bishops were delighted to hear from Lord ERNLE that his department
+includes a Hop-Controller, and are going to ask him to turn his
+attention to the Jazz.
+
+Museums could not be opened just yet, said Lord STANMORE, because some
+eight thousand officials of various departments were at present lodged
+in these buildings. To judge by the comments of the public Press,
+there are several hundreds more who ought to be kept there.
+
+_Thursday, March 20th_.--Lord WINTERTON wanted to know what the
+Government was doing to counteract Mr. BERNARD SHAW'S alleged
+anti-British propaganda in the United States. Mr. CECIL HARMSWORTH
+thought Professor OMAN'S recent memorandum would prove a sufficient
+counterblast. He had, however, no objection to adding Mr. SHAW'S
+latest pamphlet to "the large budget of Shavian literature" already at
+the Foreign Office, where, it is said, the clerks on night-duty like
+to beguile their leisure with light fiction.
+
+Late in the evening Mr. BONAR LAW announced the intentions of the
+Government with regard to the coal industry. It would adopt Mr.
+Justice SANKEY'S report, giving the men a large portion of their
+demands. If the miners still persisted in striking--well, the State
+would strike too, with all its might; otherwise there was an end of
+government in this country. The cheers which greeted this statement
+seriously annoyed Mr. JACK JONES, who sits for Silvertown, and
+maintains the explosive reputation of his constituency.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CROWN OF OLD KING COAL.
+
+TRYING IT ON.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CROSSING-SWEEPER.
+
+  Five years ago he swept the snow,
+  Or the mud, or the dust or the leaves that blow,
+    Or stood at the corner "dossing";
+  Picking up rubbish and dangerous rind
+  That careless people had left behind,
+        He swept the crossing.
+
+  And still he sweeps and clears the way
+  In blizzard and mist and soaking spray,
+    Out on the Channel tossing;
+  Picking up mines of a devilish kind
+  That unscrupulous people have left behind,
+        He sweeps the crossing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "COAL STRIKE POPSTONED."
+
+    _Provincial Paper_.
+
+Much the best thing to do with it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DRAMATISTS TO THE RESCUE.
+
+In view of the theory developed by the Ministry of Reconstruction's
+Sub-Committee on Organisation and Conditions of Domestic Service,
+that "the attitude adopted by the Press and the Stage is usually an
+unfortunate one, as servants are frequently represented as comic or
+flippant characters, and are held up to ridicule," a meeting of our
+leading dramatists was hastily convened last evening by Lady
+HEADFORT (who, it will be remembered, is all for calling her maids
+"Home-birds") to engage their sympathetic co-operation in aid of
+mistresses, housekeepers and employers generally. What the stage
+has taken away the stage must give back: that is Lady HEADFORT'S
+contention. Not that the domestic problem will even then be settled;
+there will probably still be difficulty in persuading W.A.A.C.s and
+Land Women and Munitioners who have tasted blood to descend below
+stairs again; but perhaps a little help will be forthcoming. Hence
+this influential gathering.
+
+Sir SQUIRE BANCROFT, who presided, said that the domestic problem
+was one of great seriousness. Personally he rarely descended to the
+servants' hall, but he did not pretend to be unaware of the usefulness
+of such regions and of our dependence upon them. There must be give
+and take. If the stage had been guilty of too much levity in its
+portraiture of domestic servants, then, in the interests of all of us,
+it must make what our lively neighbours call the _amende honorable_.
+
+Sir JAMES BARRIE said that no one could hold him personally to blame.
+His plays had always exhibited domestic servants in a most favourable
+light. Not only was a butler the hero of _The Admirable Crichton_, a
+maidservant the heroine of _A Kiss for Cinderella_ and a charwoman the
+heroine of _The Old Lady Shows Her Medals_, but the actual authorship
+of _Peter Pan_ was given to the smallest nursemaid on record.
+
+Mr. SOMERSET MAUGHAM also claimed to be on the side of the home-birds.
+Had he not in _Smith_ written a part of strong parlour-maid interest
+for Miss MARIE LÖHR?
+
+Mr. G.B. SHAW said that there was no need for the meeting at all,
+because he was just putting the finishing touches to a witty drama
+which would settle the whole question. In this play, which, he could
+tell them on the best authority in the world, his own, was a work of
+surpassing genius, the Irish Question, which had baffled statesmen and
+philosophers for centuries, is settled once and for all by the wisdom
+and presence of mind of a Kerry kitchenmaid.
+
+The Chairman said that perhaps the meeting might as well proceed with
+its discussion, since there was always the possibility that the run
+of Mr. SHAW'S play might not equal that of his last, which, he
+understood, had just been produced in New York and had come off almost
+at once.
+
+Mr. HENRY ARTHUR JONES said that if any branch of art could effect
+social transformations it was the drama. Personally he looked upon the
+stage as only one degree less powerful than the Senate and vastly more
+serious than the Church. Its first duty was to instruct, elevate and
+reform; to amuse was never its true function. Hence, if the dramatists
+of the country cared to take up the task of remedying the servant
+shortage, the matter would be quickly settled. But only, added the
+speaker with extreme gravity, if the authors of the pernicious rubbish
+known as _revue_ were first gagged and bound.
+
+Mr. MAX PEMBERTON said that, although he had given up _revue_ writing
+in favour of transforming farcical plays, he felt that he might make
+an appeal to the authors of _revue_ (who often exceeded the audience
+in number) to join in this very laudable campaign. Speaking as one of
+the two-and-twenty Hippodromios, although no longer in that capacity,
+he would appeal to his successors to paint life below stairs in such
+resplendent hues that the desire instantly to take service would be
+implanted in every female bosom.
+
+Mr. ALFRED SUTRO, speaking at the moment not so much as a dramatist as
+a man without a cook, said that he agreed heartily with the sentiments
+of the gentleman who had just sat down.
+
+Sir ARTHUR WING PINERO said that he was always willing to help worthy
+causes and was as ready to write a play for the object in view as, not
+long since, he had been to write one to encourage economy. But it was
+useless unless the company chosen would co-operate. The dramatist did
+not stand alone. So long as the ordinary stage idea of a parlourmaid
+was a saucy nymph with a feather brush and very short skirts, so long
+would dramatists strive in vain to exalt her calling. He was prepared
+to do his best, but feared that the actors' traditions would prove too
+strong.
+
+Mr. WALTER MELVILLE said that he hoped nothing would be done to tamper
+with such traditions as Sir ARTHUR complained of. It was the duty of a
+stage servant to begin plays and to be funny. The curtain of a farce
+should rise on a butler and a parlourmaid remarking on the fact that
+master was suspiciously late last night; and the butler should be
+amorous, bibulous and peculative, and the parlourmaid coy and trim.
+Similarly, footmen should be haughty and drop their aitches, cooks
+short-tempered, red and fat, and office-boys knowing and cheeky. The
+public expected it, and the public ought to have it because the public
+paid.
+
+There being no further remarks, the meeting dispersed, the various
+speakers returning sadly home to perform the household duties.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "EX-KAISER TO PAP THE PENALTY."
+
+    _Sunday Paper_.
+
+We always feared he would get off with a soft punishment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:_Docker_ (_by way of concluding a heated argument with
+Scotsman_). "WELL, GO UP THERE, THEN, AN' TALK TO YOUR BLINKIN'
+SCOTCH PALS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR POPULAR GUIDES.
+
+    "HOW INFLUENZA MAY BE SPREAD."
+
+    _Headline in a Daily Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A correspondent writes: "It may interest you to know that I recently
+received the following statement from a provincial branch of a
+floor-cloth company:--
+
+    'Owing to some of the principal ingredients used in the
+    manufacture of floor coverings having been taken over by the
+    Ministry of Food, the price of the material is again advanced.'
+
+Have you noticed it at all in your soup?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HOUSE-HUNTER
+
+Unless something is done for Higgins without delay the nation must
+prepare to face a tremendous rise in the rate of mortality among
+house-agents.
+
+Soon after he came back from the War he began to adopt a threatening
+attitude (as the police-court witnesses say) towards these gentlemen.
+Recently he has gone beyond the threatening stage. If rumour can be
+trusted, he has thrown at least six of them through their office
+windows. He has taken a dislike to the whole tribe. They are, in his
+opinion, a gang of criminals for whom no punishment could be too
+severe, because they impose upon the public in general and Higgins in
+particular, by continuing in business as if they were in a position to
+let houses when, as a matter of fact, there are no houses for them to
+let.
+
+Higgins wants a house. Yes, incredible though it may sound, this man,
+who for years has been content to dwell in a dug-out or consort with
+creeping things in the confines of a canvas tent, and even on occasion
+make his bed beneath the starry dome of heaven, with nothing in
+between, has now developed a craving for a residence built of bricks
+and mortar.
+
+What is more, he expects the house-agents to find it for him, and,
+since he considers the whole thing from the purely personal point of
+view, their excuses for failing to do so are of no avail. The fact
+that half a million other people want houses is nothing to him. He
+ignores it. He believes that the house-agentry of the country has
+hatched a gigantic conspiracy to keep him, Higgins, out of a home.
+
+I have done _my_ best to put him out of his misery. After seeing the
+poor wretch wear himself (and his boots) out in useless journeying to
+and from the places where house-agents pretend to work I thought of a
+scheme--not strictly original--for obtaining a house and presented it
+to him without hope of reward.
+
+"You are committing and error," I said.
+
+"I shall commit a murder in a minute," he growled but, knowing what he
+had suffered, I took no notice of the threat.
+
+"Listen," I said; "all the habitable houses in England are occupied
+and it will be years before the new ones are built. The painting of
+"TO LET" boards has become a lost art. You are wasting your time in
+looking for an _empty_ dwelling. Take my advice. Choose one that is
+occupied, any one you fancy, and empty it."
+
+At this point he interpolated an offensive expression with which I was
+not familiar before I joined the army, but I overlooked that also.
+
+"You think it is impossible, but you are wrong," I told him. "This
+scheme is bound to succeed. All you have to do is to haunt the house.
+You do not eject the tenant yourself. You conjure up a ghost to do it
+for you."
+
+"The devil!"
+
+"No--not necessarily. An ordinary ghost will do."
+
+"But, my dear good fool, how in Hades or out of it can I produce a
+ghost?"
+
+"Easily. By _suggestion_. That is the secret. This is an age of
+suggestion. Doctors are curing patients by suggestion. Politicians
+hypnotise the public by suggestion. And you can frighten the present
+occupants out of your chosen home by suggestion. No real ghost
+is required. Having selected the house you pay a call and lay
+ground-bait, so to speak. You tell the tenant you are interested in
+the place because you happen to know that at one time it was haunted.
+You relate a gruesome tale of some mysterious tragedy that you say has
+occurred there, and generally make your victim's flesh creep.
+
+"He or she, a woman for choice, will probably laugh at first. Never
+mind. Allow a few days for the idea to sink in, and then call again.
+It is a hundred to one that you will hear that strange manifestations
+have been observed. After that it will be plain sailing. You will
+continue to call, always supplying fresh suggestion, until at last,
+thoroughly unnerved, the tenant will bolt, probably taking refuge in
+a hotel. That will be your chance. Snatch the place up at once, and
+there you are."
+
+For the first time since he was demobilised, Higgins smiled.
+
+"By Heavens!" he said, "I'll try it. There's a little place at Croydon
+which would be a perfect billet. I will pay my first visit at once."
+
+He sauntered away, proclaiming in song the satisfactory condition of
+rose-culture in Picardy.
+
+Yesterday he came back.
+
+His face was grim. There was a light in his eye which I did not like.
+He made no mention of roses blooming in Picardy or anywhere else.
+
+"How is the scheme working?" I asked. "Have you called on the Croydon
+gentleman?"
+
+"I have," he answered; "and when I had laid the blessed ground-bait,
+as you call it, he told me he always did think there was a ghost about
+the place, and he was delighted to have his theory confirmed. He wants
+more details now. He invites me to furnish evidence. What for, you
+ask? Well, you see, he happens to be an active member of the Society
+for Psychical Research."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Polite Stranger (during the busy hour on the
+Underground_). "WON'T YOU SHARE MY HANDLE, MADAM?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SILLY SEASONING.
+
+The strange case of the halibut and the cormorant, recently reported
+in the daily Press, has brought us a budget of interesting letters,
+from which we select the following as agreeable evidence of the return
+of normal conditions in the fish-story-telling industry:--
+
+_Gullane, N.B._
+
+    Dear Sir,--One of the most striking results of the War has been
+    its effect on the mentality of birds and animals and even fishes.
+    The papers have lately contained accounts of a halibut which
+    swallowed a cormorant and survived the exploit only to fall a
+    victim to the wiles of a North Sea fisherman. As the cormorant
+    is generally regarded to be the _dernier cri_ in voracity, the
+    incident illustrates the old saying of the biter bit. As a rule
+    birds of prey have the upper hand in their contests with the
+    finny denizens of the deep. But the triumph of the halibut is not
+    altogether unprecedented. I remember, when I was cruising in the
+    China Seas in the year 1854, witnessing a combat between a dolphin
+    and a Bombay duck, in which the latter came off second-best. And
+    some thirty years later, during a yachting excursion off the
+    Scilly Isles, I saw an even more remarkable duel between a
+    porbeagle--as the Cornish people call the mackerel-shark--and a
+    pipit, in which, strange to relate, the bird came off victorious.
+
+    Believe me to be, Sir,
+
+    Yours truthfully,
+
+    CONSTANTINE PHIBSON.
+
+
+    _Tara, Diddlebury_.
+
+    DEAR SIR,--When I was an undergraduate at Cambridge in the
+    'sixties a "Limerick" was current which began as follows:--
+
+      "There was an adventurous sole
+      Which swallowed an albatross whole."
+
+    Unfortunately I cannot remember the conclusion of the stanza, nor
+    am I able to state whether it was founded on fact or was merely an
+    ebullition of lyrical fancy. In the latter case the lines are
+    a striking instance of the prophetic power of minstrelsy, and
+    justify the use of the word "_vates_," or seer, as applied to
+    poets by the ancient Romans.
+
+    I have the honour to be, Sir,
+
+    Yours faithfully,
+
+    SEPTIMUS BOWLONG.
+
+
+    _Rougemont Villa, Crookhaven._
+
+    DEAR SIR,--The halibut-cormorant episode has attracted undue
+    attention, since many similar but far more extraordinary incidents
+    have occurred during the War, but have passed unrecorded owing
+    to the claims of Bellona. I will confine myself to one which was
+    witnessed by my daughter Anna in course of bathing at Sheringham
+    in August, 1917. While swimming underwater she collided with a
+    middle-sized sea-serpent, which was evidently in difficulties and
+    made its way to the beach, where it expired. The post-mortem,
+    which was conducted by Professor Darcy Johnson, F.R.S., revealed
+    that the serpent had been choked by a gigantic gooseberry, which
+    had formed part of the cargo of a Greenland tramp torpedoed by an
+    enemy submarine. The serpent was actually being stuffed when a
+    bomb dropped by a Zeppelin blew it into infinitesimal smithereens,
+    to the profound disappointment of the Professor and my daughter
+    Anna, who has never been quite the same woman since. Permit me to
+    subscribe myself
+
+    Yours faithfully,
+
+    ALEXANDER NIAS.
+
+
+    _Steep Hill, Cramlington._
+
+    DEAR SIR,--There is nothing surprising in the story of a halibut
+    devouring a cormorant. As you will see from consulting _Murray_,
+    halibut means "holy-butt" (or flat-fish), and holy fishes are
+    possessed of magical powers. When I lived on the coast of Florida
+    I had a tame tarpon, which could swallow anything--croquet balls,
+    door scrapers--and once ate an entire cottage pianoforte in
+    half-an-hour. Here I may add that in my travels in Turkestan I was
+    attacked by a boa-constrictor, and, though I escaped with my life,
+    it proceeded to swallow the Bactrian camel on which I was riding.
+    On the following day, however, when the boa was still in a
+    comatose condition, I killed it with a boomerang, rescued the
+    camel and continued my journey without further mishap.
+
+    I am, Sir, Yours veraciously,
+
+    ANDREW MERRIMAN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady Driver (just joined)_. "OH, SERGEANT, I HOPE I
+SHAN'T UPSET MY FIRST PASSENGER!"
+
+_Sergeant (A.S.C., M.T.)._ "PASSENGER, MISS! DON'T LET THAT WORRY YOU.
+PLENTY MORE PASSENGERS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SIX-HOUR DAY.
+
+AN ANTICIPATION.
+
+    ["If the husband's hours are reduced to six that gives the wife a
+    chance. The home and the children are as much his as hers. With
+    his enlarged leisure he will now be able to take a fair share in
+    home duties."
+
+    _Mrs. WILL CROOKS_.]
+
+  Jock Mackay was a lusty soul;
+  He earned his livelihood winning coal;
+  Black with grime, all huddled and bent,
+  A third of his life in the pit he spent;
+  A third he slept and a third he slacked
+  Training the whippet his fancy backed,
+  Or talking strikes with a fervent zest
+  In the bar of the neighbouring "Miners' Rest."
+
+  Jean Mackay was his wife; her day
+  Started or ever the dawn was grey;
+  She lit the fire, she shook the mats,
+  She frizzled the bacon and dressed the brats,
+  She darned and mended, she made the beds,
+  She combed the tugs in the tousled heads,
+  She knitted the socks, she washed and baked
+  Till every bone in her body ached;
+  She toiled and moiled in a non-stop fight
+  From six in the morning till ten at night.
+
+  But there dawned a day when Jock Mackay
+  Came home from the mine with a dancing eye
+  And a laugh in his heart, and he cried out, "Jean,
+  'Tis the grandest day that the warl' has seen!
+  The lads are a' cheerin' and rinnin' fey,
+  For the Government's gien us the sax-hour day."
+
+  Jean stopped scrubbing. "Is't true?" said she;
+  "I wish ye luck. But bide a wee.
+  Noo that the battle is owre an' done,
+  What will ye dae wi' the hours ye've won?"
+
+  "What will I dae wi' them? What I like.
+  I'll tak' a bit turn wi' my wee bit tyke,
+  Or call for a crack wi' the lads at the "Rest,"
+  And mebbe I micht tak' a drap, if pressed."
+
+  "That's a' vera weel, but bide a bit.
+  Ye work sax hours a day in your pit,
+  But I'd hae ye to bear in mind," said Jean,
+  "While ye work sax I work saxteen."
+
+  Jock scratched his head. "Ay, lass, that's sae.
+  Aweel, an' what would ye hae me dae?"
+
+  "Fair does," she answered; "it's only fair
+  That ye should be takin' your ain just share,
+  An' help me in keepin' the hame for a spell
+  In the extry hours that ye've got to yoursel',
+  Sae, while I'm scrubbin' the floor," she said,
+  "Ye micht be pittin' the bairns tae bed."
+  Jock laughed. "I doot there's somethin' in it;
+  I'll stairt on my duties this verra minute."
+
+  A week went by: Jock learnt to scrub,
+  He gave the bairns their Saturday tub,
+  He made the beds, he blacked the grates,
+  He washed up saucers and cups and plates,
+  He cleaned and polished, he boiled and baked
+  Till every bone in his body ached.
+
+  Around the neighbourhood rumour flew;
+  Soon every wife in the village knew
+  That Jock, when his spell in the pit was done,
+  Was cook, nurse, parlourmaid rolled into one;
+  And every wife she vowed that her man
+  Should be trained on the same super-excellent plan.
+         *       *       *       *       *
+  Behold these lusty miners all
+  Fettered fast in domestic thrall,
+  Scrubbing, rubbing, baking bread,
+  Busy with scissors and needle and thread,
+  Spreading the brats their bread and jam,
+  Trundling them out in the morning pram,
+  Washing their pinafores clean and white
+  And tucking them up in their cots at night.
+         *       *       *       *       *
+  Ask me not--for I cannot tell,
+  I can only guess--how the end befell:
+  A wifely word, an angry scowl,
+  A bit of a grumble, a bit of a growl,
+  A scolding here, a squabbling there,
+  And here the sound of an ugly swear,
+  A cry of despair from the sore opprest,
+  A secret call to the "Miners' Rest,"
+  A sudden revolt from the brooms and mats,
+  And a roar from a thousand throats--"Down brats!"
+         *       *       *       *       *
+  "What--striking again?" you cry, aghast.
+  Nay, friend, cheer up, for the worst is past;
+  A glint of blue may be seen through the grey--
+  _They are asking again for an eight-hour day_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DISCIPLINARIAN.
+
+Saluting is rapidly becoming a thing of the past, even among
+British-born soldiers. Dating from the Armistice, it has lapsed more
+and more, until now it is practically extinct.
+
+Now I regard this as serious. I have ever been a stickler for
+discipline, and consequently I dislike it when men pass by--not, like
+the Levite, on the other side--but close to me without so much as a
+click of the eyeballs.
+
+So I decided that I as a disciplinarian would make a stand against it;
+I would keep my eyes open for any particularly flagrant case. When I
+found it I intended to let myself go. I promised myself an agreeable
+ten minutes--or longer, if I got properly worked up.
+
+My chance came the other day. I was strolling down Regent Street when
+three N.C.O.'s, including a sergeant, passed me. They did not salute.
+I might have been a civilian for all the notice they took of me. Ha!
+my hour had come.
+
+Turning, I hastened after them.
+
+"Sergeant, a word."
+
+They stopped and the Sergeant asked if I was speaking to him.
+
+"Have you ever heard of the little word 'Sir,' Sergeant?" I asked
+severely. "Evidently not. However I pass over that. But a moment ago
+you went by me without saluting. Deliberately--inexcusably. I was as
+close to you as I am now."
+
+"But how--" began the Sergeant.
+
+"Not a word," I cut him short. "Not a word. You know perfectly well
+that you have neglected your duty grossly. Now tell me. Is it your own
+idea to drop saluting, or has Mr. CHURCHILL had a word in your ear?"
+(Sarcasm is my strong point.)
+
+"But look here--" said the Sergeant, rather red in the face.
+
+"Do not interrupt," I thundered, warming to my work. "How, I ask,
+do you expect the ordinary soldier to salute when _you_ slink past
+officers--you, who ought to be a shining example? Now I am going to
+report--"
+
+Something in the Sergeant's eye, which seemed to be travelling over my
+person generally, made me suddenly glance down at myself, and it was
+then that, horror-struck, I realised that I was wearing for the first
+time my new ten-guinea suit.
+
+As I faded away the Sergeant clicked his heels and saluted smartly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE STRUGGLE FOR LIFE.
+
+    "Lady will exchange clothing, self, little girl, for farm butter,
+    eggs, jam."--_The Lady_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Infuriated Italian (who has recently purchased a
+British Army horse)._ "FAIR WORDS DID I SPEAK HIM, SAYING, 'PEDRO,
+AVANTI PIANISSIMO,' AND--BEHOLD!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_
+
+_Within The Rim_ (COLLINS) is, I suppose, the last of the posthumous
+volumes of Mr. HENRY JAMES. It is a short book, produced with the
+beauty that I have already grown to associate with the imprint of its
+publishers, and containing five occasional pieces. Of these the first,
+which gives its title to the whole, is the most considerable: an essay
+of very moving poignancy, telling the emotion of the writer during
+the earliest months of the War, in "the most beautiful English summer
+conceivable," months that he "was to spend so much of in looking over
+from the old rampart of a little high-perched Sussex town at the
+bright blue streak of the Channel ... and staring at the bright mystery
+beyond the rim of the farthest opaline reach." In the thoughts to
+which HENRY JAMES here gives expression one may find much of the love
+and sympathy for this country that subsequently led to that assumption
+of British citizenship which he intended as their demonstration to the
+world. Of interest also in this same paper is the revelation of a mind
+that knew already by a personal experience (of the American Civil War)
+"what immensities our affair would carry in its bosom--a knowledge
+that flattered me by its hint of immunity from illusion." I would not
+be understood that this is a volume for the casual reader, or even for
+one desirous of making a first acquaintance with the Master, since
+much of it exemplifies not only the beauty but the perplexities of
+his later style; but it is certainly one which his disciples will not
+willingly be without.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Notebooks of a Spinster Lady_ (CASSELL) is smallish talk about
+biggish wigs of the Victorian era, but not on that sole account to be
+condemned. Perhaps rather wholesome as showing how little distant we
+are from an age of government of the people by superior people for
+superior people. The notebooks cover the years 1878-1903, but the
+anecdotes have a much wider range, are often indeed of a venerable
+antiquity. The lady of the notebooks was not, I fancy, of a critical
+temper, and versions not too credible of well-known _contes_ figure in
+her quiet kindly pages. There are moreover stories which I should not
+hesitate to describe as of an appalling banality if they were not
+concerned with such very nice people. On the whole I don't think it
+quite fair to the spinster lady to have published her notes. They may
+well have been painstaking jottings to provide material for polite
+conversation and have sounded much better than they read in cold
+print. For myself the real heroine of the book is _Maria_, the poet's
+wife, who, on being waked and adjured by her spouse to get up and
+strike a light for that he had just thought of a good word, replied
+in un-Victorian mood, "Get up yourself! I have just thought of a bad
+one."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Love--on Leave_ (PEARSON) is the sufficiently expressive title that
+Miss JESSIE POPE has chosen for a small book of little courtship
+tales. You never saw a volume of its size, more packed with love,
+which is shown leaping walls, laughing at locksmiths and generally
+making the world go round in its proverbial fashion. The pace of the
+revolutions may be found a little disconcerting. You will perhaps be
+inclined to amend the title and call the collection "Love on _Short_
+Leave," to mark the regularity with which the respective heroes and
+heroines fall into each others' arms at the end of every dozen pages
+or so. As a matter of fact, the incident that is to my mind the best
+of the bunch is an exception to this rule of osculation--a happily
+imagined little comedy of a young wife who thought to avoid the visit
+of a tiresome sister-in-law by betaking herself for the night to
+the branches of a spreading beech. Whether in actual life this is a
+probable course of conduct need not exercise your mind; at least not
+enough to prevent your enjoyment of her arboreal adventure, which
+comes, as I say, with the more freshness as a break in what might else
+be a surfeit of proposals. In effect, a gallant little florin's
+worth of _fiançailles_; though, if you wish to avoid feeling like a
+matrimonial agency, you will be well-advised to take it by instalments
+rather than in bulk.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Among the pacific warriors in the great 1914-18 struggle there is
+probably none who did better work, often under conditions of the
+gravest peril, than Mr. G.M. TREVELYAN for the Red Cross in Italy.
+Disqualified both by age and health from joining the army of attack,
+he threw himself into the task--a labour of love--of tending the
+sick and wounded of that country which he knows so well and of whose
+greatest modern hero he is the classic biographer. That the eulogist
+of GARIBALDI should hasten to the succour of Italian soldiers was
+fitting, and how well he performed the task the records of the Villa
+Trenta Hospital, near Udine, and of the ambulance drivers under his
+command, abundantly tell. The story of this beneficent campaign and of
+much besides is told with too much modesty by Mr. TREVELYAN himself,
+in a book entitled _Scenes from Italy's War_ (JACK), which gives a
+series of the vividest impressions of the Italian effort, and is
+remarkable for the best analysis that I have yet seen of the causes
+that led to the disaster of Caporetto. The pages in which Mr.
+TREVELYAN paints the portrait of a typical Italian soldier, home sick
+and perplexed, are likely to be borrowed by many more pretentious
+historians of the War for years to come.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. JOHN HARGRAVE, the author and illustrator of _The Great War Brings
+It Home_ (CONSTABLE) has already a wide reputation in the world
+of Scouts, gained not only by his enthusiasm but by his profound
+knowledge of scout-craft. Here he tells us very plainly that the War
+has brought home to us the fact that, if we are to make good our
+losses in the ranks of the young and the fit, we have got to give our
+children a better chance of living healthy, wholesome lives. He urges
+the need of more outdoor education and as many open-air camps as
+possible, and shows that, if we are to carry out such a scheme as he
+lays in detail before us, scoutmasters and still more scoutmasters are
+wanted. With reason he complains that none of these good fellows is
+paid one halfpenny, and that nearly all of them are young men who have
+to get a living. "Offer them," he says, "a living wage and how gladly
+would they become national scoutmasters in charge of national camps."
+You may, if you are on the look-out for it, find much that will seem
+fantastic in Mr. HARGRAVE'S ideas; his appeal, however, is not to
+those of us who, even in a case of great national urgency, cannot get
+away from the tyranny of convention. Intrinsically his idea is sound,
+and I plead with all my heart for a fair consideration of his schemes
+and for help in their development.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. REX BEACH is one of the few prolific writers whose stories
+increase in power as they increase in number, and this though they are
+essentially novels of action rather than novels of thought. Of his
+latest effort, _The Winds of Chance_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), one may
+say that there is not a tedious page in it. The scene is laid in
+Yukon, a very vortex of life and colour and excitement in fiction,
+whatever it may seem to the actual inhabitants. The true hero of the
+story, _Napoleon Doret_, the French voyageur, wins his heart's desire
+in the end and we breathe a sigh of relief. The other hero is left
+the accepted swain of the daughter of the Colonel of the North-West
+Mounted Police at Dawson, and this we find a little hard to swallow,
+seeing what shady, not to say immoral, company, male and female, he
+had just been basking in. He is a weak creature and certainly should
+have married the _Countess Courteau_, an Amazonian lady, who would
+have kept him in order. But that is to be fastidious. The story is
+crisp and vivid, and, anyway, those ancient prospectors, _Tom Linton_
+and _Jerry McQuirk_, are worth twice the money.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Punch has great pleasure in commending to his readers two volumes
+of verse--_Rhymes of the Red Ensign_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), by Miss
+C. FOX SMITH, and _The Poets in Picardy_ (MURRAY), by Major E. DE
+STEIN--in which they will recognise many poems that have appeared in
+his pages.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Master_. "BUT, JENKINS, THE NAME OF THE COMPLAINT IS
+NOT PEWMONIA. SURELY YOU'VE HEARD ME AGAIN AND AGAIN SAY 'PNEUMONIA'?"
+
+_Man_. "WELL, SIR, I 'AVE; BUT I DIDN'T LIKE TO CORRECT YOU."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO SOLVE THE FOOD PROBLEM.
+
+    "Superior Working Housekeeper and young Maid for Ladies' College.
+    No cooking; students sleep only."--_Church Times_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.
+
+    "The interesting announcement is made that a regular air service
+    for perishable goods and passengers is to be established at
+    Edinburgh."--_Scotsman_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The London season has begun with its usual extensive programme of
+    religious services in various London churches."--_Scots Paper_.
+
+The best comment that we have yet seen on this statement occurs in the
+following (also from a Scots paper):--
+
+    "The Commander-in-Chief has borne testimony on behalf of the Grand
+    Fleet to the work that the Scittish Bishops have done for the Navy
+    during the War."
+
+
+END.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Punch, Volume 156, 26 March 1919, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11284 ***
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+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11284 ***</div>
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+<h2>Vol. 156.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>March 26, 1919.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page233" id="page233"></a>[pg
+233]</span>
+<h2>CHARIVARIA</h2>
+.
+<p>WILLIAM HOHENZOLLERN is reported to be busy sawing trees. Some
+declare that his energy is due to an hallucination that they are
+German generals. Others say the whole story is a clumsy attempt to
+discredit him with the Labour party.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Dublin Corporation has decided to increase its revenue by eight
+thousand pounds by raising the charge on water. Citizens are urged
+to put patriotism before prejudice and give the stuff a trial.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The inconveniences that attend influenza reached their climax a
+few days ago when an occupant of a crowded tube train blew the nose
+of the man next to him in mistake for his own.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The beggar who has been going about telling a pitiful story of
+being wounded by a trench-mortar during the Jutland battle is now
+regarded by the police as an impostor.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A defendant in a County Court case at Liverpool last week stated
+in his evidence that he had been on the telephone for the last
+twenty years. In fairness to the Postal authorities he should have
+admitted that it was a trunk call.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href=
+"images/233.png"><img width="100%" src="images/233.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Foreman (late R.S.M.).</i> "'ERE! YOU AIN'T IN THE ARMY NOW.
+THERE'S NO CALL FOR <i>YOU</i> TO KEEP A WATCH ON THE RHINE."</p>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A lady-correspondent, writing to a daily paper, laments the fact
+that the War has changed a great many husbands. Surely the wife who
+receives the wrong husband can get some sort of redress from the
+War Office.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>All the main-line railways are to be electrified, Sir ERIC
+GEDDES told the House of Commons. Meanwhile he has successfully
+electrified all the old buffers.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A number of women are doing good work as mates on Medway sailing
+barges. The denial of the report that one of them recently looked
+at a Wapping policeman for five minutes on end without once
+repeating herself may be ascribed to professional jealousy.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"The small car," says a trade contemporary, "has come to stop."
+We can well believe it. It is an old habit.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It has been discovered that the new Education Act, which
+prohibits boys under twelve being worked for more than two hours on
+Sunday, may apply to choir-boys. A Commission, we understand, is to
+be called upon to decide finally whether they are really boys or
+just little demons.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A man who applied to the Bloomsbury County Court for relief
+against an eviction order stated that he could find no other
+suitable house, as he had nine children under fourteen years of
+age. His residential problem remains unsolved, but we understand,
+with regard to the other difficulty, that the Board of Works has
+offered to sell him a card index at considerably below cost.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Bridegrooms," says a contemporary, "are discovering that
+weddings cost more." The growing practice among fathers-in-law of
+delivering their daughters "free at rail," instead of, as formerly,
+"from house to house," may have something to do with it.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Ramsgate," says <i>The Daily Mail</i>, "is racing Margate in
+Thanet's reconstruction." At present Margate still claims to lead
+by one nigger and two winkle-barrows.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The Colorado Legislature has passed a resolution in favour of
+Irish independence. The remark attributed to Mr. A.J. BALFOUR, that
+he always thought Colorado was the name of a twopenny cigar, has
+failed to make the situation easier.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"A pupil at a West London 'out-of-work' school," says a news
+item, "daily attends his studies in an opera-hat." On being
+informed of this fact, Sir THOMAS BEECHAM is reported to have
+expressed the opinion that its significance was obvious.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>President WILSON, it is announced, hopes to visit Scotland
+shortly for some golf. He believes that some adjustment of the
+dispute as to the respective merits of the running-up and
+pitch-and-stop methods of approach should be embodied in the Peace
+terms if international harmony is to be really secured.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Primroses and crocuses are blooming in North London. Pending an
+official announcement by <i>The Daily Mail</i> people are requested
+to accept this as a preliminary Spring.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Concrete ships, says a Government official, can be made in
+moulds. But of course you must not forget to grease the tin.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Sinn Feiner, arriving home in Crossgar, Co. Down, last week,
+had a very hearty welcome. Thirteen spectators and seven policemen
+were injured.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Many members of the Bar are greatly afraid that some learned
+judge will ask, "What is the Jazz-step?" before the question has
+really been settled by the dancers themselves.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The young lady who, on receiving a proposal of marriage over the
+telephone last week, replied, "Yes, who's speaking?" turns out to
+be an ex-typist recently demobilised from the Air Ministry.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It is interesting to note that to-day is the anniversary of the
+day that was not a Flag-day last year.</p>
+<hr />
+<h4>Another Sex-Problem.</h4>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Information Wanted as to the whereabouts of James
+&mdash;&mdash; (n&eacute;e Liza &mdash;&mdash;), ship agent. Last
+heard of 30 years ago."&mdash;<i>Glasgow Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page234" id="page234"></a>[pg
+234]</span>
+<h2>THE PRELIMINARY DOVE: ITS PROSPECTS.</h2>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Within a little week or two,</p>
+<p class="i2">So all our sanguine prints declare,</p>
+<p>The Dove (or Bird of Peace) is due</p>
+<p class="i2">To spread its wings and take the air,</p>
+<p class="i4">Like Mr. THOMAS when he flew</p>
+<p class="i4">Across the firmamental blue</p>
+<p class="i4">To join the PREMIER in communion</p>
+<p class="i4">Touching the Railway Workers' Union.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>We've waited many a weary week</p>
+<p class="i2">With bulging eyes and fevered brow,</p>
+<p>While WILSON pressed upon its beak</p>
+<p class="i2">His League-of-Nations' olive bough,</p>
+<p class="i4">Wondering what amount of weight</p>
+<p class="i4">Its efforts could negotiate,</p>
+<p class="i4">How much, in fact, the bird would stand</p>
+<p class="i4">Without collapsing on the land.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>And, even though it should contrive</p>
+<p class="i2">To keep its pinions on the flap,</p>
+<p>And by a <i>tour de force</i> survive</p>
+<p class="i2">This devastating handicap,</p>
+<p class="i4">Yet are there perils in the skies</p>
+<p class="i4">Whereon we blandly shut our eyes,</p>
+<p class="i4">But which are bound to be incurred,</p>
+<p class="i4">And, notably, the Bolshy-bird.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>This brand of vulture, most obscene,</p>
+<p class="i2">May have designs upon the Dove;</p>
+<p>Its carrion taste was never keen</p>
+<p class="i2">On the Millennial reign of Love;</p>
+<p class="i4">And I, for one, am stiff with fear</p>
+<p class="i4">About our little friend's career,</p>
+<p class="i4">Lest that disgusting fowl should maul</p>
+<p class="i4">And eat it, olive-branch and all.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>I mention this to mark the quaint</p>
+<p class="i2">Notion of "Peace" the public has,</p>
+<p>That wants to smear the Town with paint,</p>
+<p class="i2">To whoop and jubilate and jazz;</p>
+<p class="i4">And while our flappers beat the floor</p>
+<p class="i4">There's Russia soaked in seas of gore,</p>
+<p class="i4">And LENIN waxing beastly fat;</p>
+<p class="i4">Nobody seems to think of that.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>O.S.</p>
+<hr />
+<h2>PERFECTLY UNAUTHENTIC ANECDOTES.</h2>
+<p><i>which may be reproduced (with the permission of Mr. Punch) in
+any forthcoming volume of Anybody's Reminiscences</i>.</p>
+<p>"You do things so sketchily and casually," said FRITH to
+WHISTLER one day. "Now when I paint a picture I take pains. 'The
+Derby Day' cost me weeks and months of sleeplessness. I did nothing
+else; I gave my whole mind to it." "Oh," said WHISTLER, "that's
+where it's gone to, is it?"</p>
+<hr />
+<p>When Mr. BERNARD SHAW made his tour of the ports in order to
+popularise Socialism in the Navy, he was courteously received at
+Portsmouth by Sir HEDWORTH MEUX. The talk happened to turn on the
+theatre, and the Admiral was candid enough to confess himself
+somewhat at sea with regard to the merits of contemporary writers.
+"Now, Mr. SHAW," he said in his breezy way, "I wish you would tell
+me who is the most eminent of the playwrights of to-day?" "Ay, ay,
+Sir," said Mr. SHAW promptly.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>Dr. Brotherton told me that he was once with MATTHEW ARNOLD in
+an election crowd at Oxford, when the Professor of Poetry
+accidentally collided with a working-man flown with Radicalism and
+beer. "Go to blazes!" said the proletarian. "My friend," replied
+ARNOLD, "we are well met. In me you see the official representative
+of Literature, whereas you, I perceive, stand for Dogma."</p>
+<hr />
+<p>Mrs. Brown of Newquay, who claims to be the original <i>Mrs.
+Partington</i>, told me that SYDNEY SMITH'S last years were
+overclouded by his inability to discover the riddle to which the
+answer is contained in the words, "The one rode a horse and the
+other rode a dendron."</p>
+<hr />
+<p>Probably few people remember a Nottinghamshire poet of an
+earlier day who fulfilled with much conscientiousness the duties of
+local laureate. It was the age of Notts's pre-eminence in cricket,
+and that, with other reasons, inspired the bard to write some
+verses which opened with the line, "Is there a county to compare
+with Notts?" The county of Derby was jealous of its neighbour in
+other things besides sport, and considered itself to have scored
+when its own tame minstrel retorted with a parody
+ending:&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">"Is there a county to compare with Notts?</p>
+<p class="i30">Lots!"</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>Unfortunately the thing was catching, and other counties did
+their best to follow suit, though with considerable difficulty as
+to rhymes. I think it was a singer of Tavistock who won the
+laurels. After disposing of an adjacent rival with the contemptuous
+jingle, "Dorset&mdash;Curse it!" he wound up:&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>"Is there a country to compare with Devon?</p>
+<p class="i30">Heaven!"</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<p>Lady Crownderby once told me that she was among the first to see
+Lord HOUGHTON on his return from Spain, and she asked him what he
+thought of Spanish women in comparison with those of our own
+country. "My dear lady," replied HOUGHTON, "I feel like LOT when he
+escaped from the Cities of the Plain."</p>
+<hr />
+<p>At a dinner given in honour of her nephew's appointment to a
+Rural Deanery, Mrs. Hinkson-Hanksey told me that she once rallied
+DISRAELI on his lack of religious profession, saying how much it
+compromised him in the eyes of many of his fellow-countrymen in
+comparison with his great rival. "My dear lady," said DISRAELI,
+"you are aware that the New Testament divides all men into two
+categories. Without specifying the class to which I personally
+belong, I am quite willing to admit that Mr. GLADSTONE is a sheep
+and possesses many of the characteristics of that admirable
+animal."</p>
+<hr />
+<p>When I was at Hawarden in the summer of 1893, little DOROTHY
+DREW asked her grandfather for the loan of a book "to press flowers
+in." It is a process, as readers may know, not good for the book,
+and I thought the illustrious statesman and bibliophile looked a
+little embarrassed. But his face cleared in a moment, and he went
+out of the room and presently returned with a sufficient volume, in
+which the flowers were duly laid, the book being then, with the
+united efforts of the company, subjected to the necessary pressure
+under a heavy cabinet. Anxious to know which volume of his beloved
+library Mr. GLADSTONE had selected for desecration, I took an early
+opportunity of furtively examining the title of the tortured tome.
+It was <i>Coningsby</i>.</p>
+<hr />
+<h4>Another Impending Apology.</h4>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Councillor &mdash;&mdash;'s son will be married to the eldest
+daughter of Councillor &mdash;&mdash;. The members of the
+Corporation are invited to the suspicious event."&mdash;<i>Local
+Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page235" id="page235"></a>[pg
+235]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/235.png"><img width="100%" src="images/235.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>THE DISTRACTIONS OF AN INDISPENSABLE.</h3>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page236" id="page236"></a>[pg
+236]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/236.png"><img width="100%" src="images/236.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Sergeant</i>. "NOW, ME LAD, A SUIT OF MUFTI OR FORTY-FIVE
+SHILLINGS?"&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Tommy</i>. "OO, LUMME! I'LL PAY THE
+FINE."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>GALLERY PLAY.</h2>
+<p>It wasn't till Panmore noticed its absence on his return from
+France that I remembered the little oil painting which I had left
+at the Ferndale Gallery on sale or return, during the early days of
+the War, when my financial outlook was bad.</p>
+<p>Panmore said he had always wanted to buy it, but hadn't liked to
+ask me if I would part with it. I assured him that excess even of
+delicacy was a mistake and that I would try to get the picture
+back.</p>
+<p>So I wrote to the Gallery thus:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>DEAR SIRS (it seemed absurd to write "Dear Gallery"),&mdash;In
+1914 or 1915 I brought you a small oil painting, which you agreed
+to sell or return to me. As I haven't heard from you since, I
+conclude that there has been nothing doing in such pictures and I
+should like to have it back. The picture is quite a small one,
+about the size of an ordinary book, and so far as I recollect it
+portrays a man looking at a horse, to see if its withers stand
+where they did; or perhaps wondering whether he would sell it and
+buy a scooter. As a matter of fact I never took particular notice
+of the picture, not caring for it, but a friend of mine who knows
+it well appears interested in it and wants to buy it. So please let
+me have it back as soon as possible.</p>
+<p>Yours faithfully,</p>
+<p>THEOPHILUS B. PIPER-CARY.</p>
+<p>P.S.&mdash;By the way, there's a cow, I remember, in the
+background; a red one. Not a red background; a red cow.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>This was the answer I received:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>DEAR SIR,&mdash;In reply to yours of the 13th inst., we remember
+your visit, but cannot trace having such a picture as you describe
+in our possession at present. We believe you dealt with our Mr.
+James Langford, who joined up in May, 1915, and is not yet
+demobilised. He is in Egypt at the moment, we understand, and we
+are afraid it would take some time to get into communication with
+him.</p>
+<p>We shall be glad if under the circumstances you will allow the
+matter to rest until his return.</p>
+<p>In any case we are afraid we cannot hold ourselves responsible
+for the picture, unless you can produce a receipt from us proving
+that it reached us.</p>
+<p>We are, Yours obediently,</p>
+<p><i>pp</i>. THE FERNDALE GALLERY.</p>
+<p>J.S.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>The last paragraph in their letter gave me the impression that
+they knew they had the picture but had mislaid it. Meanwhile
+Panmore seemed so hot on it and I was so badly hit by the War that
+I thought I would have another shot at recovering it. So I
+addressed the Gallery as follows:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>DEAR SIRS,&mdash;Thanks for your letter, and in reply I should
+be obliged if you could get another search party out. I have found
+a receipt for the picture, signed with a name that might, if
+straightened out, be James Langford.</p>
+<p>My friend is getting quite excited about it, and he is the sort
+of person one wants to humour. He is a Lieut.-Colonel, an O.B.E.,
+and, what is more important still, one of the feoffees of Buckley's
+Hospital (a fifteenth-century foundation here), and whatever a
+feoffee <span class="pagenum"><a name="page237" id=
+"page237"></a>[pg 237]</span> may be he is not the kind of man to
+toy with in a small town like this.</p>
+<p>I forgot to mention that there is an inn on the left of the
+picture, and a girl coming out of it carrying, perhaps, a bran-mash
+for the horse or some Government dope for the man, and there are
+some hens, all fully regardant and expectant, at her feet.</p>
+<p>Hoping to hear in the course of a post or two that you have
+found the painting,</p>
+<p>I am, Yours anxiously,</p>
+<p>THEOPHILUS B. PIPER-CARY.</p>
+<p>P.S.&mdash;Don't forget there's a cow in the background; a red
+cow.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Three days later I received a picture (not mine) from the
+Gallery with this letter:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>DEAR SIR,&mdash;After a most exhaustive search we have found and
+send herewith what we believe to be your picture, though it does
+not quite answer to your description. It is, however, the only one
+of which we do not appear to have any record.</p>
+<p>Our Mr. Langford seems likely to be abroad for some months, so
+unless you will accept this picture in settlement of the matter we
+do not see any present way out of the difficulty.</p>
+<p>Confident that, if it is not yours, it is at least just as good,
+we trust that you will agree to cry quits.</p>
+<p>We are, Yours obediently,</p>
+<p><i>pp.</i> THE FERNDALE GALLERY.</p>
+<p>J.S.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Why they should feel sure it was just as good, unless they
+remembered my picture, wasn't very clear, but evidently the receipt
+had put the wind up them, and I wrote and accepted the substitute
+at once, because Panmore liked it better even than the original
+picture. He said it was an Alken and gave me far more than I would
+have thought of asking for it, or for the original one.</p>
+<p>About a week after selling it I received this wire from the
+Gallery:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>Please return painting sent in error. Very valuable Alken. Have
+customer.</p>
+<p>FERNDALE.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>"Diamond cut diamond," I said to myself. And I replied
+thus:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>DEAR SIRS,&mdash;I received your wire, but regret that I cannot
+comply with your request. Firstly, because I have already accepted
+the picture which you regarded as mine or its equivalent, in place
+of the one that was mine and is now yours; and, secondly, because
+my friend the feoffee has already bought it, the one that was yours
+and is now mine, or rather his (you know what I mean, don't you?),
+and I haven't the heart to ask him to return it.</p>
+<p>Perhaps yours (the one that is now yours and was mine before),
+being the equivalent of the one that was yours and is now mine (or
+rather the feoffee's), would suit your client. I can only suggest
+your having another look for it; the matter so far as I am
+concerned is at an end. Yours faithfully,</p>
+<p>THEOPHILUS B. PIPER-CARY.</p>
+<p>P.S.&mdash;You'll know it when you find it. There's a red cow in
+the background.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Sentence of Mike Ancon, found guilty of housekeeping, was
+postponed yesterday afternoon."&mdash;<i>Manitoba Free
+Press.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>This species of crime is almost extinct in England.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href=
+"images/237.png"><img width="100%" src="images/237.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>THE "HESITATION" WALTZ.</h3>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h4>The Rising Egg.</h4>
+<p>Whatever may be the decline in the price of eggs their social
+movement is clearly upwards. The following passage from <i>The
+Croydon Advertiser</i> gives an admirable life-history of the egg,
+from shell to profit-sharing:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Eggs will be dated and graded and sold accordingly, and as soon
+as they have done laying fattened for table purposes, also young
+cockerels. They will be killed and plucked, and the feathers will
+be sorted and sold in the best markets. So you see they will
+receive full market price for their produce; then if they are
+shareholders they will receive a further profit in the difference
+between the cost and the selling, also the very big amounts
+received for the skins and the feathers."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page238" id="page238"></a>[pg
+238]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/238.png"><img width="100%" src="images/238.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL.</h3>
+<p><i>Oldest Inhabitant.</i> "I NEVER EXPECTED TO LIVE TILL THE END
+OF THE WAR, MA'AM; BUT NOW I'M HOPING TO BE SPARED TO SEE THE
+BEGINNING OF THE NEXT ONE."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>CHOICE BOOKS OF THE WEEK.</h3>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p class="center">THE NEW PARIS SKETCH-BOOK;<br />
+OR, THE FIRST FIFTY THOUSAND.<br />
+<br />
+By GLADYS FLAPPERTON, O.B.E.,<br />
+Author of <i>Peace and Plenty of It.</i></p>
+<p>This charming volume describes in detail the delightful Parisian
+holiday which has been provided by the Government under the best
+possible conditions for young ladies with (and without) a knowledge
+of typewriting.</p>
+<hr />
+<p class="center"><i>TIGER LILY,<br />
+A POEM IN FOURTEEN SPASMS.</i><br />
+<br />
+By WOODROW WILSON.<br />
+<br />
+Affectionately dedicated to M. CLEMENCEAU.</p>
+<hr />
+<p class="center">THE HISTORY OF FREDERICK THE GREAT.<br />
+<br />
+BY HAROLD SMITH, M.P.<br />
+<br />
+("England's Harold.")<br />
+<br />
+With an Introduction by the<br />
+LORD CHANCELLOR.</p>
+<hr />
+<p class="center">O SMILLIE, WE HAVE MISSED YOU,<br />
+AND OTHER LYRICS.<br />
+<br />
+Highly recommended by Messrs. MUDIE and<br />
+SANKEY (the Author).<br />
+<br />
+Copies of this beautiful work have been<br />
+accepted by several mining royalties.</p>
+<hr />
+<p class="center">THE GEDDES BIOGRAPHICAL DICTIONARY.<br />
+<br />
+Publication of the Second Volume (AUC&mdash;ERIC).</p>
+<p>It is hoped to complete in twelve handsome volumes this the
+first attempt to record and codify the achievements and services of
+the GEDDES family in the Great War.</p>
+<hr />
+<p class="center">WASTEWARD HO!<br />
+<br />
+A ROMANCE OF CIPPENHAM.<br />
+<br />
+With an Introductory Apologia by<br />
+Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE NEXT WAR.</h3>
+<blockquote class="note">
+<p>["As the result of a conference called by the War Office it has
+been decided to wage a war of annihilation against the warble-fly.
+It is hoped that by means of concerted action through the country
+this pestilent insect, so injurious to the hides of horses and
+cattle, may be completely stamped out."&mdash;<i>Daily
+Paper.</i>]</p>
+</blockquote>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>The warble-fly, the warble-fly</p>
+<p>Is absolutely doomed to die.</p>
+<p>They've summoned all the General Staff,</p>
+<p>There's going to be a mighty "strafe,"</p>
+<p>And soon the land from shore to shore</p>
+<p>Will echo with the din of war,</p>
+<p>As arm&eacute;d hosts with martial cries</p>
+<p>Descend upon the warble-flies.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>We've got the shells, we've got the guns</p>
+<p>(The same that overwhelmed the Huns),</p>
+<p>And, what is more, we've got the Man;</p>
+<p>With WINSTON riding in the van</p>
+<p>I do not think there's any doubt</p>
+<p>That we shall put the foe to rout,</p>
+<p>And, scorning peace by compromise,</p>
+<p>Annihilate the warble-flies.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>In tranquil peace the gentle beeves</p>
+<p>Shall chew their cud through summer eves;</p>
+<p>No more shall that alarming warble</p>
+<p>Affright the calm of heifer or bull,</p>
+<p>And send them snorting round the croft</p>
+<p>With eyes of fear and tails aloft.</p>
+<p>Till every warble-fly be floored</p>
+<p>Whitehall will <i>never</i> sheathe the sword.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h4>The Growth of Impropriety.</h4>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Her hair is always exquisitely dressed, and her shoes in
+perfect shape. No more in the way of dress is required of any
+woman."</p>
+<p><i>Daily Mirror.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"PROPOSED IMPROVEMENT OF A DANGEROUS CORONER."<br />
+<i>Headline in Provincial Paper.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>The best plan, possibly, would be to get the jury to sit on
+him.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page239" id="page239"></a>[pg
+239]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/239.png"><img width="100%" src="images/239.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>NEWSPAPER HEADINGS POPULARLY ILLUSTRATED.</h3>
+"INFLUENZA MICROBE DISCOVERED AT A LONDON HOSPITAL."</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>MRS. BLOGGINS'S STATEMENT.</h2>
+<p>It is not too much to say that bed-making circles in Cambridge
+have been agitated to their utmost depths by the recent advent of
+some hundreds of American youths who have come to pursue certain
+courses of study within the University walls. Let us make one thing
+perfectly clear. Bed-makers do not object to Americans as
+Americans, but this avalanche of Transatlantics arrives on the very
+eve of the vacation, just when the bed-makers are packing off the
+contingent of young Naval officers who have been making things hum
+during the past term.</p>
+<p>Persuaded that their too-brief holidays will be entirely
+absorbed in attending to the Americans, the bed-makers urge with
+some justice that they too are entitled to enjoy the beautiful
+things of this enchanting world quite as much as miners and
+railway-men. We understand that meetings of their Association are
+being held, and that the University authorities are faced by a
+situation which is rapidly passing beyond their control. Bed-makers
+are amongst the most loyal members of the community, but they feel,
+as a prominent member of the profession put it, that "the last
+camel breaks the straw's back," and they are determined to uphold
+their immemorial rights.</p>
+<p>We have thought it our duty therefore to interview the
+celebrated Mrs. Bloggins, the <i>doyenne</i> of the Corps of
+Bed-makers of Trinity College. We found the lady in her home in
+Paradise Walk, where she was engaged in eating some excellent
+buttered toast. We lost no time in explaining the purport of our
+visit.</p>
+<p>"We desire to know, Mrs. Bloggins," we began, "what your
+feelings are with regard to the Americans."</p>
+<p>"Ah," said Mrs. Bloggins, speaking with deep emotion, "you may
+well call 'em Americans, for I've never bin so troubled about
+anythink before. Some people seem to git the notion into their
+'eads that bed-makers do no work. Why we're arst to slave from
+mornin' till night, and our pay is paltry. Things in Cambridge
+isn't like what they was. Time was when our young gentlemen used to
+'ave big dinners in their rooms, and a careful bed-maker could save
+a bone or two. Nowadays they,'re only cheese-parers, that's what I
+call 'em. You won't believe me, I know, but my mother, who was a
+bed-maker afore me, used to 'ave a month at the seaside every year,
+all paid for out of money give to 'er by 'er young gentlemen. To be
+sure there was a wrangler, or somethink of that kind, who didn't
+come up to the mark, so she soon got rid of 'im; 'e used to find
+'is butter was took by the cat, and accidents of that kind.</p>
+<p>"Mind yer," she continued, "I ain't got nothink to say against
+the Americans. They may be the most liberal-'earted gentlemen in
+the world for all I know. But it's the principle of the thing I'm
+objectin' to. It's a case of kill me quick or cure me to-morrow,
+and if President WILSON was to talk till next week 'e couldn't make
+it no different. You can't make a silk sock out of a side of bacon,
+and that's true whichever way you look at it."</p>
+<p>"But what steps," we urged, "does your Association intend to
+take, Mrs. Bloggins, over this matter?"</p>
+<p>"I don't know nothink about no 'sociations," said Mrs. Bloggins,
+"but I do know that we're all in it, and Mrs. Pledger and Mrs.
+'Uggins, and the rest of 'em, we knows our power and we intends to
+use it."</p>
+<p>"In what way do you mean?" I said.</p>
+<p>She looked at me cunningly.</p>
+<p>"Now you're spyin'. It's dirty work and I won't 'ave it 'ere.
+You might be the Proctor hisself for all I cares&mdash;you're not
+going to ferret nothink out of me."</p>
+<p>Hereupon she rose with great dignity and plainly indicated that
+the interview was at an end.</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<h4>La Haute Cuisine.</h4>
+<p>"Cook; French; age 38; wages &pound;25-&pound;30
+week."&mdash;<i>Morning Post.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page240" id="page240"></a>[pg
+240]</span>
+<h2>TO THE DEATH.</h2>
+<blockquote class="note">
+<p>[According to the papers, two Frenchmen have agreed to fight a
+duel in aeroplanes.]</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>"Cauliflower!" shrieked Gaspard Volauvent across the little
+table in the <i>estaminet</i>. His face bristled with rage.</p>
+<p>"Serpent!" replied Jacques Rissolo, bristling with equal
+dexterity.</p>
+<p>The two stout little men glared ferociously at each other. Then
+Jacques picked up his glass and poured the wine of the country over
+his friend's head.</p>
+<p>"Drown, serpent!" he said magnificently. He beckoned to the
+waiter. "Another bottle," he said. "My friend has drunk all
+this."</p>
+<p>Gaspard removed the wine from his whiskers with the local paper
+and leant over the table towards Jacques.</p>
+<p>"This must be wiped out in blood," he said slowly. "You
+understand?"</p>
+<p>"Perfectly," replied the other. "The only question is
+whose."</p>
+<p>"Name your weapons," said Gaspard Volauvent grandly.</p>
+<p>"Aeroplanes," replied Jacques Rissole after a moment's
+thought.</p>
+<p>"Bah! I cannot fly."</p>
+<p>"Then I win," said Jacques simply.</p>
+<p>The other looked at him in astonishment.</p>
+<p>"What! You fly?"</p>
+<p>"No; but I can learn."</p>
+<p>"Then I will learn too," said Gaspard with dignity. "We
+meet&mdash;in six months?"</p>
+<p>"Good." Jacques pointed to the ceiling. "Say three thousand feet
+up."</p>
+<p>"Three thousand four hundred," said Gaspard for the sake of
+disagreeing.</p>
+<p>"After all, that is for our seconds to arrange. My friend
+&Eacute;pinard of the Roullens Aerodrome will act for me. He will
+also instruct me how to bring serpents to the ground."</p>
+<p>"With the idea of cleansing the sky of cauliflowers," said
+Gaspard, "I shall proceed to the flying-ground at Dormancourt;
+Blanchaille, the instructor there, will receive your friend."</p>
+<p>He bowed and walked out.</p>
+<p>Details were soon settled. On a date six months ahead the two
+combatants would meet three thousand two hundred feet above the
+little town in which they lived, and fight to the death. In the
+event of both crashing, the one who crashed last would be deemed
+the victor. It was Gaspard's second who insisted on this clause;
+Gaspard himself felt that it did not matter.</p>
+<p>The first month of instruction went by. At the end of it Jacques
+Rissole had only one hope. It was that when he crashed he should
+crash on some of Gaspard's family. Gaspard had no hope, but one
+consolation. It was that no crash could involve his stomach, which
+he invariably left behind him as soon as the aeroplane rose.</p>
+<p>At the end of the second month Gaspard wrote to Jacques.</p>
+<p>"My friend," he wrote, "the hatred of you which I nurse in my
+bosom, and which fills me with the desire to purge you from the
+sky, is in danger of being transferred to my instructor. Let us
+therefore meet and renew our enmity."</p>
+<p>Jacques Rissole wrote back to Gaspard.</p>
+<p>"My enemy," he wrote, "there is nobody in the whole of the
+Roullens aerodrome whom I do not detest with a detestation beside
+which my hatred for you seems as maudlin adoration. This is
+notwithstanding the fact that I make the most marvellous progress
+in the art of flying. It is merely something in their faces which
+annoys me. Let me therefore see yours again, in the hope that it
+will make me think more kindly of theirs."</p>
+<p>They met, poured wine over each other and parted. After another
+month the need of a further stimulant was felt. They met again, and
+agreed to insult each other weekly.</p>
+<p>On the last day of his training Gaspard spoke seriously to his
+instructor.</p>
+<p>"You see that I make nothing of it," he said. "My thoughts are
+ever with the stomach that I leave behind. Not once have I been in
+a position to take control. How then can I fight? My friend, I
+arrange it all. You shall take my place."</p>
+<p>"Is that quite fair to Rissole?" asked Blanchaille
+doubtfully.</p>
+<p>"Do not think that I want you to hurt him. That is not
+necessary. He will hurt himself. Keep out of his way until he has
+finished with himself, and then fly back here. It is easy."</p>
+<p>It seemed the best way; indeed the only way. Gaspard Volauvent
+could never get to the <i>rendezvous</i> alone, and it would be
+fatal to his honour if Jacques arrived there and found nobody to
+meet him. Reluctantly Blanchaille agreed.</p>
+<p>At the appointed hour Gaspard put his head cautiously out of his
+bedroom window and gazed up into the heavens. He saw two aeroplanes
+straight above him. At the thought that he might have been in one
+of them he shuddered violently. Indeed he felt so unwell that the
+need for some slight restorative became pressing. He tripped off to
+the <i>estaminet</i>.</p>
+<p>It was empty save for one table. Gaspard walked towards it,
+hoping for a little conversation. The occupant lowered the
+newspaper from in front of his face and looked up.</p>
+<p>It was too much for Gaspard.</p>
+<p>"Coward!" he shrieked.</p>
+<p>Jacques, who had been just going to say the same thing, hastily
+substituted "Serpent!"</p>
+<p>"I know you," cried Gaspard. "You send your instructor up in
+your place. Poltroon!"</p>
+<p>Jacques picked up his glass and poured the wine of the country
+over his friend's head.</p>
+<p>"Drown, serpent," he said magnificently. He beckoned to the
+waiter. "Another bottle," he said. "My friend has drunk all
+this."</p>
+<p>Gaspard removed the wine from his whiskers with Jacques' paper
+and leant over him.</p>
+<p>"This must be wiped out in blood," he said slowly. "Name your
+weapons."</p>
+<p>"Submarines," said Jacques after a moment's thought.</p>
+<p>A.A.M.</p>
+<hr />
+<h2>THE SWANS OF YPRES.</h2>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Ypres was once a weaving town,</p>
+<p>Where merchants jostled up and down</p>
+<p class="i2">And merry shuttles used to ply;</p>
+<p>On the looms the fleeces were</p>
+<p>Brought from the mart at Winchester,</p>
+<p class="i2">And silver flax from Burgundy.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Who is weaving there to-night?</p>
+<p>Only the moon, whose shuttle white</p>
+<p class="i2">Makes silver warp on dyke and pond;</p>
+<p>Her hands fling veils of lily-woof</p>
+<p>On riven spire and open roof</p>
+<p class="i2">And on the haggard marsh beyond.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>No happy ghosts or fairies haunt</p>
+<p>The ancient city, huddling gaunt,</p>
+<p class="i2">Where waggons crawl with anxious wheel</p>
+<p>And o'er the marshland desolate</p>
+<p>Win slowly to the battered gate</p>
+<p class="i2">That Flemings call the Gate of Lille.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Yet by some wonder it befalls</p>
+<p>That, where the lonely outer walls</p>
+<p class="i2">Brood in the silent pool below,</p>
+<p>Among the sedges of the moat,</p>
+<p>Like lilies furled, the two swans float;</p>
+<p class="i2">"The Swans of Ypres" men call them now.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>They have heard guns and many men</p>
+<p>Come and depart and come again,</p>
+<p class="i2">They have seen strange disastrous things,</p>
+<p>When fire and fume rolled o'er their nest;</p>
+<p>But changeless and aloof they rest,</p>
+<p class="i2">The Swans of Ypres, with folded wings.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Will Treasury notes ever be displaced by boxes of chocolates?
+"&mdash;<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Certainly. Ours often are.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>From the report of the Committee on the Staffing of Government
+Offices we gather that there has been a good deal of
+overflapping.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page241" id="page241"></a>[pg
+241]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+<h3>TRANSPORT FACILITIES.</h3>
+<a href="images/241-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/241-1.png"
+alt="" /></a><b>"VOILA! UN AUTO!"</b><a href=
+"images/241-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/241-2.png" alt=
+"" /></a><b>"DEUX, SEULEMENT!"</b><a href=
+"images/241-3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/241-3.png" alt=
+"" /></a><b>"MERCI, M'SIEU."</b></div>
+<hr />
+<hr class="full" />
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page242" id="page242"></a>[pg
+242]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/242.png"><img width="100%" src="images/242.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Mistress.</i> "OH, JANE, HOW DID YOU DO
+THAT?"&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Maid.</i> "I'M VERY SORRY, MUM; I
+WAS ACCIDENTALLY DUSTING."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>THE SCHLOSS BILLET.</h2>
+<p>We had not expected much of a billet in a defeated and starving
+country; that was probably why everybody was enthusiastic over
+it&mdash;at first. I, as billeting officer, was especially proud of
+having discovered it. The very thing for Brigade
+Headquarters&mdash;secluded, dignified, commanding and
+spacious.</p>
+<p>A couple of kilos from the gates through the drive brings you to
+the Schloss. Entering a hall about the size of a modern theatre you
+journey to the ante-room, a vast apartment, which for space
+compares favourably with the Coliseum at Rome. A world-exhibition
+of pictures and tapestries covers the walls of the Schloss, while
+an acre or two of painted ceiling shows the chief events of German
+history, from the Creation to the Franco-Prussian War.</p>
+<p>In the Dining-room, reached by a progress over carpets and rugs
+representative of all the best periods of Oriental art, it would be
+fairly easy to stage a review on the table itself; while in the
+Music-room a hundred or so lorries could be parked without
+attracting observation too glaringly. Should the need arise, the
+Library could accommodate a battalion on parade, a rifle range or
+sufficient office room for Q branch of a division. A labyrinth of
+corridors and servants' bedrooms harbours the rank and file, and it
+is said that the number of kitchens, pantries and cellars in the
+north and east wings runs into three figures.</p>
+<p>The Divisional Commander called it "homely"; the Corps Commander
+remarked that its style was "not cramped, anyhow&mdash;what?" and
+the Army Commander pronounced it very "cosy."</p>
+<p>The first two days I did not see my servant at all. On Wednesday
+he turned up just before lunch. On Monday and Tuesday, he
+explained, he had wandered through corridors and passages trying to
+find my room, and, by rising an hour before <i>reveille</i>, he
+thought he would be able to get from his quarters to mine by about
+breakfast-time.</p>
+<p>We used to adjourn to the billiard-room after dinner, but gave
+it up because it was necessary to stop play at half-past ten in
+order to be in bed by midnight. Signals is worried because he has
+not enough line left to reach Battalions, all available supplies
+having been used up in connecting the General's room with various
+parts of the Schloss. We are continually late for dinner owing to
+errors in judging the distances from one room to another. Our once
+happy family has dissolved into silent morose individuals, for we
+have grown strange and distant to one another. Liaison between
+departments has broken down, and the Staff-Captain whom I saw
+yesterday in the distance is suffering from premature decay.</p>
+<p>But a solution has been found, for the Engineers are unloading a
+couple of Nissen huts to put up in the hall, and we shall soon be a
+united family once more.</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"The surveyor said that as things were at present he had little
+or no authority over the men who, for the most part, simply
+considered him his equal."&mdash;<i>Trade Paper.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>If he doesn't take a stronger line the men will consider him his
+inferior.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>From a short story:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"She was a slip of a thing, with the sort of eyes that go well
+with curly long lashes&mdash;if they are blue, as hers
+were."&mdash;<i>Weekly Paper.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Our local <i>coiffeur</i> only stocks the old-fashioned
+peroxide.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page243" id="page243"></a>[pg
+243]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/243.png"><img width="100%" src="images/243.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>OVERWEIGHTED.</h3>
+<p>President Wilson. "HERE'S YOUR OLIVE BRANCH. NOW GET BUSY."</p>
+<p>Dove of Peace. "OF COURSE I WANT TO PLEASE EVERYBODY; BUT ISN'T
+THIS A BIT THICK?"</p>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page245" id="page245"></a>[pg
+245]</span><h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT</h2>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+<a href="images/245.png"><img width="100%" src="images/245.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p class="center"><b>THE STRENUOUS LIFE.</b></p>
+<p>BEFORE TAKING OFFICE ALL MEMBERS IN FUTURE WILL HAVE TO PASS A
+TEST OF THEIR ABILITY TO SUSTAIN A PROLONGED FLIGHT, FIVE THOUSAND
+FEET UP, AT A HUNDRED-AND-SEVENTY MILES AN HOUR.</p></div>
+<hr />
+<p><i>Monday, March 17th</i>.&mdash;Mr. GEORGE TERRELL, always a
+little inclined to look upon the black side of things, was
+apprehensive about the spread of Bolshevism in this country. Not so
+Lord HENRY BENTINCK, who genially exploded with "Is not Bolshevism
+in this country a pure bogey?" Not quite that, perhaps; but I
+gathered that in Mr. BONAR LAW'S opinion it hasn't a ghost of a
+chance.</p>
+<p>Great cheers from the Wee Frees greeted the advent of Mr. A.E.
+NEWBOULD, the victor of West Leyton, whose defeat of the Coalition
+candidate has increased the size of their party by something like
+four per cent. As the new Member is understood to be connected with
+the film business his colleagues are hoping that they will soon
+have Ministers on the "movies."</p>
+<p>We know on high authority that evil communications corrupt good
+manners. Sir ERIC GEDDES goes further and believes that they
+corrupt everything. That was the text of his capital speech on the
+second reading of the Transportation Bill. Dispensing on this
+occasion with his usual typescript, he discoursed at large for an
+hour and a-half on the paralytic condition of our railways, roads,
+canals and docks.</p>
+<p>We all had our pleasant morning dreams, he said, but they
+usually disappeared after we had had our cold bath; and the
+country, which was no longer rich, but poor, must take its douche.
+His own dream is of a beautifully centralised control, directing
+all our traffic agencies (save tramways and shipping) into the most
+convenient channels; and he won't be happy till he gets it. But
+judging by some of the speeches that followed he too may have a
+frigid disillusionment when the Bill comes up against the
+"interests" in Committee. Mr. T.P. O'CONNOR, on behalf of
+Liverpool, described it as the product of "an old bureaucracy and a
+young Parliamentarian," and Mr. RENWICK declared that, if it
+passed, the Manchester Ship Canal would be "between the devil and
+the deep sea," surely an uncalled-for attack on Cottonopolis.</p>
+<p>Upon the adjournment, Col. CLAUDE LOWTHER again raised the
+question of the payment of German indemnities, and Mr. BONAR LAW
+again declared that the policy of the Government was to demand the
+largest amount that Germany could pay, but not to demand what we
+knew she couldn't pay. It would have saved him a lot of trouble if
+at the General Election the Government spokesmen had insisted as
+much upon the second half of the policy as they did upon the
+first.</p>
+<p><i>Tuesday, March 18th</i>.&mdash;GILBERT'S fanciful description
+of the "most susceptible Chancellor" is justified by the way in
+which the present occupant of the Woolsack and his predecessors vie
+with one another in the endeavour to secure the favour of the fair
+sex. Today it was Lord HALDANE'S turn to oblige, and he brought in
+a Bill to enable Scotswomen to become Advocates and Law Agents.
+Lord HALSBURY'S contribution to the work of feminine emancipation
+has not yet been announced. The rumour that a deputation of ladies
+recently approached him with a proposal that they should be
+eligible for judicial office&mdash;"Scarlet and ermine are
+<i>so</i> becoming"&mdash;and that he put them off with the old
+joke about there being "enough old women on the Bench already" is,
+of course, apocryphal.</p>
+<p>Not infrequently in the official reports of the Lords' debates a
+speech begins thus: "Lord &mdash;&mdash; (<i>who was indistinctly
+heard</i>)." The Commons' report might well adopt this salutary
+practice as a warning to Members who persistently mumble, or who
+address their remarks to the body of the House instead of to the
+SPEAKER. Ministers are the worst offenders. One of them was asked
+this afternoon, for example, whether the Judicial Adviser to the
+SULTAN had discouraged the use of the English language in the
+Egyptian Courts, but all we could hear of the <i>sotto voce</i>
+conversation between him and his interrogator was that
+"er&mdash;er&mdash;language&mdash;er&mdash;had&mdash;been&mdash;er&mdash;er&mdash;misunderstood."</p>
+<p>Some savages, travellers tell us, are unable to count beyond
+five. Some Ministers, on the other hand, show an inability to
+reckon except in millions. Mr. CHURCHILL, when asked how many
+soldiers were not receiving the recent increase of pay, remarked
+casually that the numbers were "not so very
+great&mdash;half-a-million would cover them." Happily these "sloppy
+statistics" (to recall a phrase used by Mr. ASQUITH <span class=
+"pagenum"><a name="page246" id="page246"></a>[pg 246]</span> during
+the Tariff Reform controversy) do not appeal to the
+FOOD-CONTROLLER. He, being invited to say whether the Government
+had made "approximately &pound;2,400,000" by the charge on
+cattle-sales, replied that the amount was "approximately"
+&pound;3,449,939; and we felt that he was cut to the heart at not
+being able to give the odd shillings and pence.</p>
+<p>The renewed debate on the Transportation Bill revealed a good
+deal of opposition. Roadmen thought it an excellent project for
+railways; railwayman were all in favour of its being applied to
+docks; and dockmen had no objection to its being tried on the
+roads. But none of them wanted it for his own particular interest.
+Sir EDWARD CARSON'S objections were both particular and general.
+Belfast would be ruined if its port were controlled by "a nest of
+politicians" in Dublin, but apart from that he doubted whether the
+promised economies would be realised in any direction. Ministers
+were "gluttons for centralisation," and would, he prophesied, incur
+the usual fate of gluttons, acute indigestion.</p>
+<p>Mr. BONAR LAW, while admitting that he himself would not have
+voted for the Bill five years ago, declared that the War had made
+it essential. That seemed to be the general opinion, for the second
+reading was agreed to without a division.</p>
+<div class="figright" style="width:35%;"><a href=
+"images/246.png"><img width="100%" src="images/246.png" alt=
+"" /></a>THE CROWN OF OLD KING COAL.<br />
+Trying It On.</div>
+<p><i>Wednesday, March 19th</i>.&mdash;Lord MALMESBURY, who has
+lately been the victim of a burglary, attributed it to
+housebreakers having been demobilised before policemen. Whether
+this was done on the ground that they conducted "one man
+businesses," or because someone in Whitehall assumed that the
+wielders of the centre-bit must be "pivotal," I do not know, but an
+Army Order requiring Commanding Officers to keep the balance even
+between criminals and coppers seems to be urgently needed.</p>
+<p>The Bishops were delighted to hear from Lord ERNLE that his
+department includes a Hop-Controller, and are going to ask him to
+turn his attention to the Jazz.</p>
+<p>Museums could not be opened just yet, said Lord STANMORE,
+because some eight thousand officials of various departments were
+at present lodged in these buildings. To judge by the comments of
+the public Press, there are several hundreds more who ought to be
+kept there.</p>
+<p><i>Thursday, March 20th</i>.&mdash;Lord WINTERTON wanted to know
+what the Government was doing to counteract Mr. BERNARD SHAW'S
+alleged anti-British propaganda in the United States. Mr. CECIL
+HARMSWORTH thought Professor OMAN'S recent memorandum would prove a
+sufficient counterblast. He had, however, no objection to adding
+Mr. SHAW'S latest pamphlet to "the large budget of Shavian
+literature" already at the Foreign Office, where, it is said, the
+clerks on night-duty like to beguile their leisure with light
+fiction.</p>
+<p>Late in the evening Mr. BONAR LAW announced the intentions of
+the Government with regard to the coal industry. It would adopt Mr.
+Justice SANKEY'S report, giving the men a large portion of their
+demands. If the miners still persisted in striking&mdash;well, the
+State would strike too, with all its might; otherwise there was an
+end of government in this country. The cheers which greeted this
+statement seriously annoyed Mr. JACK JONES, who sits for
+Silvertown, and maintains the explosive reputation of his
+constituency.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE CROSSING-SWEEPER.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Five years ago he swept the snow,</p>
+<p>Or the mud, or the dust or the leaves that blow,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or stood at the corner "dossing";</p>
+<p>Picking up rubbish and dangerous rind</p>
+<p>That careless people had left behind,</p>
+<p class="i6">He swept the crossing.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>And still he sweeps and clears the way</p>
+<p>In blizzard and mist and soaking spray,</p>
+<p class="i2">Out on the Channel tossing;</p>
+<p>Picking up mines of a devilish kind</p>
+<p>That unscrupulous people have left behind,</p>
+<p class="i6">He sweeps the crossing.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"COAL STRIKE POPSTONED."<br />
+<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Much the best thing to do with it.</p>
+<hr />
+<h2>DRAMATISTS TO THE RESCUE.</h2>
+<p>In view of the theory developed by the Ministry of
+Reconstruction's Sub-Committee on Organisation and Conditions of
+Domestic Service, that "the attitude adopted by the Press and the
+Stage is usually an unfortunate one, as servants are frequently
+represented as comic or flippant characters, and are held up to
+ridicule," a meeting of our leading dramatists was hastily convened
+last evening by Lady HEADFORT (who, it will be remembered, is all
+for calling her maids "Home-birds") to engage their sympathetic
+co-operation in aid of mistresses, housekeepers and employers
+generally. What the stage has taken away the stage must give back:
+that is Lady HEADFORT'S contention. Not that the domestic problem
+will even then be settled; there will probably still be difficulty
+in persuading W.A.A.C.s and Land Women and Munitioners who have
+tasted blood to descend below stairs again; but perhaps a little
+help will be forthcoming. Hence this influential gathering.</p>
+<p>Sir SQUIRE BANCROFT, who presided, said that the domestic
+problem was one of great seriousness. Personally he rarely
+descended to the servants' hall, but he did not pretend to be
+unaware of the usefulness of such regions and of our dependence
+upon them. There must be give and take. If the stage had been
+guilty of too much levity in its portraiture of domestic servants,
+then, in the interests of all of us, it must make what our lively
+neighbours call the <i>amende honorable</i>.</p>
+<p>Sir JAMES BARRIE said that no one could hold him personally to
+blame. His plays had always exhibited domestic servants in a most
+favourable light. Not only was a butler the hero of <i>The
+Admirable Crichton</i>, a maidservant the heroine of <i>A Kiss for
+Cinderella</i> and a charwoman the heroine of <i>The Old Lady Shows
+Her Medals</i>, but the actual authorship of <i>Peter Pan</i> was
+given to the smallest nursemaid on record.</p>
+<p>Mr. SOMERSET MAUGHAM also claimed to be on the side of the
+home-birds. Had he not in <i>Smith</i> written a part of strong
+parlour-maid interest for Miss MARIE L&Ouml;HR?</p>
+<p>Mr. G.B. SHAW said that there was no need for the meeting at
+all, because he was just putting the finishing touches to a witty
+drama which would settle the whole question. In this play, which,
+he could tell them on the best authority in the world, his own, was
+a work of surpassing genius, the Irish Question, which had baffled
+statesmen and philosophers for centuries, is settled once and for
+all by the wisdom and presence of mind of a Kerry kitchenmaid.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page247" id="page247"></a>[pg
+247]</span><p>The Chairman said that perhaps the meeting might as
+well proceed with its discussion, since there was always the
+possibility that the run of Mr. SHAW'S play might not equal that of
+his last, which, he understood, had just been produced in New York
+and had come off almost at once.</p>
+<p>Mr. HENRY ARTHUR JONES said that if any branch of art could
+effect social transformations it was the drama. Personally he
+looked upon the stage as only one degree less powerful than the
+Senate and vastly more serious than the Church. Its first duty was
+to instruct, elevate and reform; to amuse was never its true
+function. Hence, if the dramatists of the country cared to take up
+the task of remedying the servant shortage, the matter would be
+quickly settled. But only, added the speaker with extreme gravity,
+if the authors of the pernicious rubbish known as <i>revue</i> were
+first gagged and bound.</p>
+<p>Mr. MAX PEMBERTON said that, although he had given up
+<i>revue</i> writing in favour of transforming farcical plays, he
+felt that he might make an appeal to the authors of <i>revue</i>
+(who often exceeded the audience in number) to join in this very
+laudable campaign. Speaking as one of the two-and-twenty
+Hippodromios, although no longer in that capacity, he would appeal
+to his successors to paint life below stairs in such resplendent
+hues that the desire instantly to take service would be implanted
+in every female bosom.</p>
+<p>Mr. ALFRED SUTRO, speaking at the moment not so much as a
+dramatist as a man without a cook, said that he agreed heartily
+with the sentiments of the gentleman who had just sat down.</p>
+<p>Sir ARTHUR WING PINERO said that he was always willing to help
+worthy causes and was as ready to write a play for the object in
+view as, not long since, he had been to write one to encourage
+economy. But it was useless unless the company chosen would
+co-operate. The dramatist did not stand alone. So long as the
+ordinary stage idea of a parlourmaid was a saucy nymph with a
+feather brush and very short skirts, so long would dramatists
+strive in vain to exalt her calling. He was prepared to do his
+best, but feared that the actors' traditions would prove too
+strong.</p>
+<p>Mr. WALTER MELVILLE said that he hoped nothing would be done to
+tamper with such traditions as Sir ARTHUR complained of. It was the
+duty of a stage servant to begin plays and to be funny. The curtain
+of a farce should rise on a butler and a parlourmaid remarking on
+the fact that master was suspiciously late last night; and the
+butler should be amorous, bibulous and peculative, and the
+parlourmaid coy and trim. Similarly, footmen should be haughty and
+drop their aitches, cooks short-tempered, red and fat, and
+office-boys knowing and cheeky. The public expected it, and the
+public ought to have it because the public paid.</p>
+<p>There being no further remarks, the meeting dispersed, the
+various speakers returning sadly home to perform the household
+duties.</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"EX-KAISER TO PAP THE PENALTY."<br />
+<i>Sunday Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>We always feared he would get off with a soft punishment.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href=
+"images/247.png"><img width="100%" src="images/247.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Docker (by way of concluding a heated argument with
+Scotsman).</i> "WELL, GO UP THERE, THEN, AN' TALK TO YOUR BLINKIN'
+SCOTCH PALS."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<h4>Our Popular Guides.</h4>
+<p>"HOW INFLUENZA MAY BE SPREAD."<br />
+<i>Headline in a Daily Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<p>A correspondent writes: "It may interest you to know that I
+recently received the following statement from a provincial branch
+of a floor-cloth company:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>'Owing to some of the principal ingredients used in the
+manufacture of floor coverings having been taken over by the
+Ministry of Food, the price of the material is again advanced.'</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Have you noticed it at all in your soup?"</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page248" id="page248"></a>[pg
+248]</span>
+<h2>THE HOUSE-HUNTER</h2>
+<p>Unless something is done for Higgins without delay the nation
+must prepare to face a tremendous rise in the rate of mortality
+among house-agents.</p>
+<p>Soon after he came back from the War he began to adopt a
+threatening attitude (as the police-court witnesses say) towards
+these gentlemen. Recently he has gone beyond the threatening stage.
+If rumour can be trusted, he has thrown at least six of them
+through their office windows. He has taken a dislike to the whole
+tribe. They are, in his opinion, a gang of criminals for whom no
+punishment could be too severe, because they impose upon the public
+in general and Higgins in particular, by continuing in business as
+if they were in a position to let houses when, as a matter of fact,
+there are no houses for them to let.</p>
+<p>Higgins wants a house. Yes, incredible though it may sound, this
+man, who for years has been content to dwell in a dug-out or
+consort with creeping things in the confines of a canvas tent, and
+even on occasion make his bed beneath the starry dome of heaven,
+with nothing in between, has now developed a craving for a
+residence built of bricks and mortar.</p>
+<p>What is more, he expects the house-agents to find it for him,
+and, since he considers the whole thing from the purely personal
+point of view, their excuses for failing to do so are of no avail.
+The fact that half a million other people want houses is nothing to
+him. He ignores it. He believes that the house-agentry of the
+country has hatched a gigantic conspiracy to keep him, Higgins, out
+of a home.</p>
+<p>I have done <i>my</i> best to put him out of his misery. After
+seeing the poor wretch wear himself (and his boots) out in useless
+journeying to and from the places where house-agents pretend to
+work I thought of a scheme&mdash;not strictly original&mdash;for
+obtaining a house and presented it to him without hope of
+reward.</p>
+<p>"You are committing and error," I said.</p>
+<p>"I shall commit a murder in a minute," he growled but, knowing
+what he had suffered, I took no notice of the threat.</p>
+<p>"Listen," I said; "all the habitable houses in England are
+occupied and it will be years before the new ones are built. The
+painting of "TO LET" boards has become a lost art. You are wasting
+your time in looking for an <i>empty</i> dwelling. Take my advice.
+Choose one that is occupied, any one you fancy, and empty it."</p>
+<p>At this point he interpolated an offensive expression with which
+I was not familiar before I joined the army, but I overlooked that
+also.</p>
+<p>"You think it is impossible, but you are wrong," I told him.
+"This scheme is bound to succeed. All you have to do is to haunt
+the house. You do not eject the tenant yourself. You conjure up a
+ghost to do it for you."</p>
+<p>"The devil!"</p>
+<p>"No&mdash;not necessarily. An ordinary ghost will do."</p>
+<p>"But, my dear good fool, how in Hades or out of it can I produce
+a ghost?"</p>
+<p>"Easily. By <i>suggestion</i>. That is the secret. This is an
+age of suggestion. Doctors are curing patients by suggestion.
+Politicians hypnotise the public by suggestion. And you can
+frighten the present occupants out of your chosen home by
+suggestion. No real ghost is required. Having selected the house
+you pay a call and lay ground-bait, so to speak. You tell the
+tenant you are interested in the place because you happen to know
+that at one time it was haunted. You relate a gruesome tale of some
+mysterious tragedy that you say has occurred there, and generally
+make your victim's flesh creep.</p>
+<p>"He or she, a woman for choice, will probably laugh at first.
+Never mind. Allow a few days for the idea to sink in, and then call
+again. It is a hundred to one that you will hear that strange
+manifestations have been observed. After that it will be plain
+sailing. You will continue to call, always supplying fresh
+suggestion, until at last, thoroughly unnerved, the tenant will
+bolt, probably taking refuge in a hotel. That will be your chance.
+Snatch the place up at once, and there you are."</p>
+<p>For the first time since he was demobilised, Higgins smiled.</p>
+<p>"By Heavens!" he said, "I'll try it. There's a little place at
+Croydon which would be a perfect billet. I will pay my first visit
+at once."</p>
+<p>He sauntered away, proclaiming in song the satisfactory
+condition of rose-culture in Picardy.</p>
+<p>Yesterday he came back.</p>
+<p>His face was grim. There was a light in his eye which I did not
+like. He made no mention of roses blooming in Picardy or anywhere
+else.</p>
+<p>"How is the scheme working?" I asked. "Have you called on the
+Croydon gentleman?"</p>
+<p>"I have," he answered; "and when I had laid the blessed
+ground-bait, as you call it, he told me he always did think there
+was a ghost about the place, and he was delighted to have his
+theory confirmed. He wants more details now. He invites me to
+furnish evidence. What for, you ask? Well, you see, he happens to
+be an active member of the Society for Psychical Research."</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href=
+"images/248.png"><img width="100%" src="images/248.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Polite Stranger (during the busy hour on the
+Underground).</i> "WON'T YOU SHARE MY HANDLE, MADAM?"</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>SILLY SEASONING.</h2>
+<p>The strange case of the halibut and the cormorant, recently
+reported in the daily Press, has brought us a budget of interesting
+letters, from which we select the following as agreeable evidence
+of the return of normal conditions in the fish-story-telling
+industry:&mdash;</p>
+<p><i>Gullane, N.B.</i></p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>Dear Sir,&mdash;One of the most striking results of the War has
+been its effect on the mentality of birds and animals and even
+fishes. The papers have lately contained accounts of a halibut
+which swallowed a cormorant and survived the exploit only to fall a
+victim to the wiles of a North Sea fisherman. As the cormorant is
+generally regarded to be the <i>dernier cri</i> in voracity, the
+incident illustrates the old saying of the biter bit. As a rule
+birds of prey have the upper hand in their contests with the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page249" id="page249"></a>[pg
+249]</span> finny denizens of the deep. But the triumph of the
+halibut is not altogether unprecedented. I remember, when I was
+cruising in the China Seas in the year 1854, witnessing a combat
+between a dolphin and a Bombay duck, in which the latter came off
+second-best. And some thirty years later, during a yachting
+excursion off the Scilly Isles, I saw an even more remarkable duel
+between a porbeagle&mdash;as the Cornish people call the
+mackerel-shark&mdash;and a pipit, in which, strange to relate, the
+bird came off victorious.</p>
+<p>Believe me to be, Sir,</p>
+<p>Yours truthfully,</p>
+<p>CONSTANTINE PHIBSON.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>Tara, Diddlebury</i>.</p>
+<p>DEAR SIR,&mdash;When I was an undergraduate at Cambridge in the
+'sixties a "Limerick" was current which began as
+follows:&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>"There was an adventurous sole</p>
+<p>Which swallowed an albatross whole."</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>Unfortunately I cannot remember the conclusion of the stanza,
+nor am I able to state whether it was founded on fact or was merely
+an ebullition of lyrical fancy. In the latter case the lines are a
+striking instance of the prophetic power of minstrelsy, and justify
+the use of the word "<i>vates</i>," or seer, as applied to poets by
+the ancient Romans.</p>
+<p>I have the honour to be, Sir,</p>
+<p>Yours faithfully,</p>
+<p>SEPTIMUS BOWLONG.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>Rougemont Villa, Crookhaven.</i></p>
+<p>DEAR SIR,&mdash;The halibut-cormorant episode has attracted
+undue attention, since many similar but far more extraordinary
+incidents have occurred during the War, but have passed unrecorded
+owing to the claims of Bellona. I will confine myself to one which
+was witnessed by my daughter Anna in course of bathing at
+Sheringham in August, 1917. While swimming underwater she collided
+with a middle-sized sea-serpent, which was evidently in
+difficulties and made its way to the beach, where it expired. The
+post-mortem, which was conducted by Professor Darcy Johnson,
+F.R.S., revealed that the serpent had been choked by a gigantic
+gooseberry, which had formed part of the cargo of a Greenland tramp
+torpedoed by an enemy submarine. The serpent was actually being
+stuffed when a bomb dropped by a Zeppelin blew it into
+infinitesimal smithereens, to the profound disappointment of the
+Professor and my daughter Anna, who has never been quite the same
+woman since. Permit me to subscribe myself</p>
+<p>Yours faithfully,</p>
+<p>ALEXANDER NIAS.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>Steep Hill, Cramlington.</i></p>
+<p>DEAR SIR,&mdash;There is nothing surprising in the story of a
+halibut devouring a cormorant. As you will see from consulting
+<i>Murray</i>, halibut means "holy-butt" (or flat-fish), and holy
+fishes are possessed of magical powers. When I lived on the coast
+of Florida I had a tame tarpon, which could swallow
+anything&mdash;croquet balls, door scrapers&mdash;and once ate an
+entire cottage pianoforte in half-an-hour. Here I may add that in
+my travels in Turkestan I was attacked by a boa-constrictor, and,
+though I escaped with my life, it proceeded to swallow the Bactrian
+camel on which I was riding. On the following day, however, when
+the boa was still in a comatose condition, I killed it with a
+boomerang, rescued the camel and continued my journey without
+further mishap.</p>
+<p>I am, Sir, Yours veraciously,</p>
+<p>ANDREW MERRIMAN.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/249.png"><img width="100%" src="images/249.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Lady Driver (just joined)</i>. "OH, SERGEANT, I HOPE I SHAN'T
+UPSET MY FIRST PASSENGER!"</p>
+<p><i>Sergeant (A.S.C., M.T.).</i> "PASSENGER, MISS! DON'T LET THAT
+WORRY YOU. PLENTY MORE PASSENGERS!"</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page250" id="page250"></a>[pg
+250]</span>
+<h2>THE SIX-HOUR DAY.</h2>
+<p class="center">AN ANTICIPATION.</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>["If the husband's hours are reduced to six that gives the wife
+a chance. The home and the children are as much his as hers. With
+his enlarged leisure he will now be able to take a fair share in
+home duties."<br />
+<i>Mrs. WILL CROOKS</i>.]</p>
+</blockquote>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Jock Mackay was a lusty soul;</p>
+<p>He earned his livelihood winning coal;</p>
+<p>Black with grime, all huddled and bent,</p>
+<p>A third of his life in the pit he spent;</p>
+<p>A third he slept and a third he slacked</p>
+<p>Training the whippet his fancy backed,</p>
+<p>Or talking strikes with a fervent zest</p>
+<p>In the bar of the neighbouring "Miners' Rest."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Jean Mackay was his wife; her day</p>
+<p>Started or ever the dawn was grey;</p>
+<p>She lit the fire, she shook the mats,</p>
+<p>She frizzled the bacon and dressed the brats,</p>
+<p>She darned and mended, she made the beds,</p>
+<p>She combed the tugs in the tousled heads,</p>
+<p>She knitted the socks, she washed and baked</p>
+<p>Till every bone in her body ached;</p>
+<p>She toiled and moiled in a non-stop fight</p>
+<p>From six in the morning till ten at night.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>But there dawned a day when Jock Mackay</p>
+<p>Came home from the mine with a dancing eye</p>
+<p>And a laugh in his heart, and he cried out, "Jean,</p>
+<p>'Tis the grandest day that the warl' has seen!</p>
+<p>The lads are a' cheerin' and rinnin' fey,</p>
+<p>For the Government's gien us the sax-hour day."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Jean stopped scrubbing. "Is't true?" said she;</p>
+<p>"I wish ye luck. But bide a wee.</p>
+<p>Noo that the battle is owre an' done,</p>
+<p>What will ye dae wi' the hours ye've won?"</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>"What will I dae wi' them? What I like.</p>
+<p>I'll tak' a bit turn wi' my wee bit tyke,</p>
+<p>Or call for a crack wi' the lads at the "Rest,"</p>
+<p>And mebbe I micht tak' a drap, if pressed."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>"That's a' vera weel, but bide a bit.</p>
+<p>Ye work sax hours a day in your pit,</p>
+<p>But I'd hae ye to bear in mind," said Jean,</p>
+<p>"While ye work sax I work saxteen."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Jock scratched his head. "Ay, lass, that's sae.</p>
+<p>Aweel, an' what would ye hae me dae?"</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>"Fair does," she answered; "it's only fair</p>
+<p>That ye should be takin' your ain just share,</p>
+<p>An' help me in keepin' the hame for a spell</p>
+<p>In the extry hours that ye've got to yoursel',</p>
+<p>Sae, while I'm scrubbin' the floor," she said,</p>
+<p>"Ye micht be pittin' the bairns tae bed."</p>
+<p>Jock laughed. "I doot there's somethin' in it;</p>
+<p>I'll stairt on my duties this verra minute."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>A week went by: Jock learnt to scrub,</p>
+<p>He gave the bairns their Saturday tub,</p>
+<p>He made the beds, he blacked the grates,</p>
+<p>He washed up saucers and cups and plates,</p>
+<p>He cleaned and polished, he boiled and baked</p>
+<p>Till every bone in his body ached.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Around the neighbourhood rumour flew;</p>
+<p>Soon every wife in the village knew</p>
+<p>That Jock, when his spell in the pit was done,</p>
+<p>Was cook, nurse, parlourmaid rolled into one;</p>
+<p>And every wife she vowed that her man</p>
+<p>Should be trained on the same super-excellent plan.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>Behold these lusty miners all</p>
+<p>Fettered fast in domestic thrall,</p>
+<p>Scrubbing, rubbing, baking bread,</p>
+<p>Busy with scissors and needle and thread,</p>
+<p>Spreading the brats their bread and jam,</p>
+<p>Trundling them out in the morning pram,</p>
+<p>Washing their pinafores clean and white</p>
+<p>And tucking them up in their cots at night.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>Ask me not&mdash;for I cannot tell,</p>
+<p>I can only guess&mdash;how the end befell:</p>
+<p>A wifely word, an angry scowl,</p>
+<p>A bit of a grumble, a bit of a growl,</p>
+<p>A scolding here, a squabbling there,</p>
+<p>And here the sound of an ugly swear,</p>
+<p>A cry of despair from the sore opprest,</p>
+<p>A secret call to the "Miners' Rest,"</p>
+<p>A sudden revolt from the brooms and mats,</p>
+<p>And a roar from a thousand throats&mdash;"Down brats!"</p>
+<hr />
+<p>"What&mdash;striking again?" you cry, aghast.</p>
+<p>Nay, friend, cheer up, for the worst is past;</p>
+<p>A glint of blue may be seen through the grey&mdash;</p>
+<p><i>They are asking again for an eight-hour day</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>THE DISCIPLINARIAN.</h2>
+<p>Saluting is rapidly becoming a thing of the past, even among
+British-born soldiers. Dating from the Armistice, it has lapsed
+more and more, until now it is practically extinct.</p>
+<p>Now I regard this as serious. I have ever been a stickler for
+discipline, and consequently I dislike it when men pass
+by&mdash;not, like the Levite, on the other side&mdash;but close to
+me without so much as a click of the eyeballs.</p>
+<p>So I decided that I as a disciplinarian would make a stand
+against it; I would keep my eyes open for any particularly flagrant
+case. When I found it I intended to let myself go. I promised
+myself an agreeable ten minutes&mdash;or longer, if I got properly
+worked up.</p>
+<p>My chance came the other day. I was strolling down Regent Street
+when three N.C.O.'s, including a sergeant, passed me. They did not
+salute. I might have been a civilian for all the notice they took
+of me. Ha! my hour had come.</p>
+<p>Turning, I hastened after them.</p>
+<p>"Sergeant, a word."</p>
+<p>They stopped and the Sergeant asked if I was speaking to
+him.</p>
+<p>"Have you ever heard of the little word 'Sir,' Sergeant?" I
+asked severely.</p>
+<p>"Evidently not. However I pass over that. But a moment ago you
+went by me without saluting. Deliberately&mdash;inexcusably. I was
+as close to you as I am now."</p>
+<p>"But how&mdash;" began the Sergeant.</p>
+<p>"Not a word," I cut him short. "Not a word. You know perfectly
+well that you have neglected your duty grossly. Now tell me. Is it
+your own idea to drop saluting, or has Mr. CHURCHILL had a word in
+your ear?" (Sarcasm is my strong point.)</p>
+<p>"But look here&mdash;" said the Sergeant, rather red in the
+face.</p>
+<p>"Do not interrupt," I thundered, warming to my work. "How, I
+ask, do you expect the ordinary soldier to salute when <i>you</i>
+slink past officers&mdash;you, who ought to be a shining example?
+Now I am going to report&mdash;"</p>
+<p>Something in the Sergeant's eye, which seemed to be travelling
+over my person generally, made me suddenly glance down at myself,
+and it was then that, horror-struck, I realised that I was wearing
+for the first time my new ten-guinea suit.</p>
+<p>As I faded away the Sergeant clicked his heels and saluted
+smartly.</p>
+<hr />
+<h4>The Struggle for Life.</h4>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Lady will exchange clothing, self, little girl, for farm
+butter, eggs, jam."&mdash;<i>The Lady</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page251" id="page251"></a>[pg
+251]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/251.png"><img width="100%" src="images/251.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Infuriated Italian (who has recently purchased a British Army
+horse).</i> "FAIR WORDS DID I SPEAK HIM, SAYING, 'PEDRO, AVANTI
+PIANISSIMO,' AND&mdash;BEHOLD!"</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+<p><i>(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)</i></p>
+<p><i>Within The Rim</i> (COLLINS) is, I suppose, the last of the
+posthumous volumes of Mr. HENRY JAMES. It is a short book, produced
+with the beauty that I have already grown to associate with the
+imprint of its publishers, and containing five occasional pieces.
+Of these the first, which gives its title to the whole, is the most
+considerable: an essay of very moving poignancy, telling the
+emotion of the writer during the earliest months of the War, in
+"the most beautiful English summer conceivable," months that he
+"was to spend so much of in looking over from the old rampart of a
+little high-perched Sussex town at the bright blue streak of the
+Channel ... and staring at the bright mystery beyond the rim of the
+farthest opaline reach." In the thoughts to which HENRY JAMES here
+gives expression one may find much of the love and sympathy for
+this country that subsequently led to that assumption of British
+citizenship which he intended as their demonstration to the world.
+Of interest also in this same paper is the revelation of a mind
+that knew already by a personal experience (of the American Civil
+War) "what immensities our affair would carry in its bosom&mdash;a
+knowledge that flattered me by its hint of immunity from illusion."
+I would not be understood that this is a volume for the casual
+reader, or even for one desirous of making a first acquaintance
+with the Master, since much of it exemplifies not only the beauty
+but the perplexities of his later style; but it is certainly one
+which his disciples will not willingly be without.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>Notebooks of a Spinster Lady</i> (CASSELL) is smallish talk
+about biggish wigs of the Victorian era, but not on that sole
+account to be condemned. Perhaps rather wholesome as showing how
+little distant we are from an age of government of the people by
+superior people for superior people. The notebooks cover the years
+1878-1903, but the anecdotes have a much wider range, are often
+indeed of a venerable antiquity. The lady of the notebooks was not,
+I fancy, of a critical temper, and versions not too credible of
+well-known <i>contes</i> figure in her quiet kindly pages. There
+are moreover stories which I should not hesitate to describe as of
+an appalling banality if they were not concerned with such very
+nice people. On the whole I don't think it quite fair to the
+spinster lady to have published her notes. They may well have been
+painstaking jottings to provide material for polite conversation
+and have sounded much better than they read in cold print. For
+myself the real heroine of the book is <i>Maria</i>, the poet's
+wife, who, on being waked and adjured by her spouse to get up and
+strike a light for that he had just thought of a good word, replied
+in un-Victorian mood, "Get up yourself! I have just thought of a
+bad one."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>Love&mdash;on Leave</i> (PEARSON) is the sufficiently
+expressive title that Miss JESSIE POPE has chosen for a small book
+of little courtship tales. You never saw a volume of its size, more
+packed with love, which is shown leaping walls, laughing at
+locksmiths and generally making the world go round in its
+proverbial fashion. The pace of the revolutions may be found a
+little disconcerting. You will perhaps be inclined to amend the
+title and call the collection "Love on <i>Short</i> Leave," to mark
+the regularity with which the respective heroes and heroines fall
+into each others' arms at the end of every dozen pages or so. As a
+matter of fact, the incident that is to my mind the best of the
+bunch is an <span class="pagenum"><a name="page252" id=
+"page252"></a>[pg 252]</span> exception to this rule of
+osculation&mdash;a happily imagined little comedy of a young wife
+who thought to avoid the visit of a tiresome sister-in-law by
+betaking herself for the night to the branches of a spreading
+beech. Whether in actual life this is a probable course of conduct
+need not exercise your mind; at least not enough to prevent your
+enjoyment of her arboreal adventure, which comes, as I say, with
+the more freshness as a break in what might else be a surfeit of
+proposals. In effect, a gallant little florin's worth of
+<i>fian&ccedil;ailles</i>; though, if you wish to avoid feeling
+like a matrimonial agency, you will be well-advised to take it by
+instalments rather than in bulk.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Among the pacific warriors in the great 1914-18 struggle there
+is probably none who did better work, often under conditions of the
+gravest peril, than Mr. G.M. TREVELYAN for the Red Cross in Italy.
+Disqualified both by age and health from joining the army of
+attack, he threw himself into the task&mdash;a labour of
+love&mdash;of tending the sick and wounded of that country which he
+knows so well and of whose greatest modern hero he is the classic
+biographer. That the eulogist of GARIBALDI should hasten to the
+succour of Italian soldiers was fitting, and how well he performed
+the task the records of the Villa Trenta Hospital, near Udine, and
+of the ambulance drivers under his command, abundantly tell. The
+story of this beneficent campaign and of much besides is told with
+too much modesty by Mr. TREVELYAN himself, in a book entitled
+<i>Scenes from Italy's War</i> (JACK), which gives a series of the
+vividest impressions of the Italian effort, and is remarkable for
+the best analysis that I have yet seen of the causes that led to
+the disaster of Caporetto. The pages in which Mr. TREVELYAN paints
+the portrait of a typical Italian soldier, home sick and perplexed,
+are likely to be borrowed by many more pretentious historians of
+the War for years to come.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mr. JOHN HARGRAVE, the author and illustrator of <i>The Great
+War Brings It Home</i> (CONSTABLE) has already a wide reputation in
+the world of Scouts, gained not only by his enthusiasm but by his
+profound knowledge of scout-craft. Here he tells us very plainly
+that the War has brought home to us the fact that, if we are to
+make good our losses in the ranks of the young and the fit, we have
+got to give our children a better chance of living healthy,
+wholesome lives. He urges the need of more outdoor education and as
+many open-air camps as possible, and shows that, if we are to carry
+out such a scheme as he lays in detail before us, scoutmasters and
+still more scoutmasters are wanted. With reason he complains that
+none of these good fellows is paid one halfpenny, and that nearly
+all of them are young men who have to get a living. "Offer them,"
+he says, "a living wage and how gladly would they become national
+scoutmasters in charge of national camps." You may, if you are on
+the look-out for it, find much that will seem fantastic in Mr.
+HARGRAVE'S ideas; his appeal, however, is not to those of us who,
+even in a case of great national urgency, cannot get away from the
+tyranny of convention. Intrinsically his idea is sound, and I plead
+with all my heart for a fair consideration of his schemes and for
+help in their development.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mr. REX BEACH is one of the few prolific writers whose stories
+increase in power as they increase in number, and this though they
+are essentially novels of action rather than novels of thought. Of
+his latest effort, <i>The Winds of Chance</i> (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON), one may say that there is not a tedious page in it. The
+scene is laid in Yukon, a very vortex of life and colour and
+excitement in fiction, whatever it may seem to the actual
+inhabitants. The true hero of the story, <i>Napoleon Doret</i>, the
+French voyageur, wins his heart's desire in the end and we breathe
+a sigh of relief. The other hero is left the accepted swain of the
+daughter of the Colonel of the North-West Mounted Police at Dawson,
+and this we find a little hard to swallow, seeing what shady, not
+to say immoral, company, male and female, he had just been basking
+in. He is a weak creature and certainly should have married the
+<i>Countess Courteau</i>, an Amazonian lady, who would have kept
+him in order. But that is to be fastidious. The story is crisp and
+vivid, and, anyway, those ancient prospectors, <i>Tom Linton</i>
+and <i>Jerry McQuirk</i>, are worth twice the money.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mr. Punch has great pleasure in commending to his readers two
+volumes of verse&mdash;<i>Rhymes of the Red Ensign</i> (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON), by Miss C. FOX SMITH, and <i>The Poets in Picardy</i>
+(MURRAY), by Major E. DE STEIN&mdash;in which they will recognise
+many poems that have appeared in his pages.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href=
+"images/252.png"><img width="100%" src="images/252.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Master</i>. "BUT, JENKINS, THE NAME OF THE COMPLAINT IS NOT
+PEWMONIA. SURELY YOU'VE HEARD ME AGAIN AND AGAIN SAY
+'PNEUMONIA'?"</p>
+<p><i>Man</i>. "WELL, SIR, I 'AVE; BUT I DIDN'T LIKE TO CORRECT
+YOU."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h4>How to Solve the Food Problem.</h4>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Superior Working Housekeeper and young Maid for Ladies'
+College. No cooking; students sleep only."&mdash;<i>Church
+Times</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<h4>Commercial Candour.</h4>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"The interesting announcement is made that a regular air service
+for perishable goods and passengers is to be established at
+Edinburgh."&mdash;<i>Scotsman</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"The London season has begun with its usual extensive programme
+of religious services in various London churches."&mdash;<i>Scots
+Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>The best comment that we have yet seen on this statement occurs
+in the following (also from a Scots paper):&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"The Commander-in-Chief has borne testimony on behalf of the
+Grand Fleet to the work that the Scittish Bishops have done for the
+Navy during the War."</p>
+</blockquote>
+</blockquote>
+
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11284 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
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+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
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+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #11284 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/11284)
diff --git a/old/11284-8.txt b/old/11284-8.txt
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Volume 156, 26 March 1919, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Volume 156, 26 March 1919
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 25, 2004 [EBook #11284]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOLUME 156, 26 MARCH 1919 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 156.
+
+
+
+March 26, 1919.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+WILLIAM HOHENZOLLERN is reported to be busy sawing trees. Some declare
+that his energy is due to an hallucination that they are German
+generals. Others say the whole story is a clumsy attempt to discredit
+him with the Labour party.
+
+       ***
+
+Dublin Corporation has decided to increase its revenue by eight
+thousand pounds by raising the charge on water. Citizens are urged to
+put patriotism before prejudice and give the stuff a trial.
+
+       ***
+
+The inconveniences that attend influenza reached their climax a few
+days ago when an occupant of a crowded tube train blew the nose of the
+man next to him in mistake for his own.
+
+       ***
+
+The beggar who has been going about telling a pitiful story of being
+wounded by a trench-mortar during the Jutland battle is now regarded
+by the police as an impostor.
+
+       ***
+
+A defendant in a County Court case at Liverpool last week stated in
+his evidence that he had been on the telephone for the last twenty
+years. In fairness to the Postal authorities he should have admitted
+that it was a trunk call.
+
+       ***
+
+[Illustration: _Foreman (late R.S.M.)._ "'ERE! YOU AIN'T IN THE ARMY
+NOW. THERE'S NO CALL FOR _YOU_ TO KEEP A WATCH ON THE RHINE."]
+
+       ***
+
+A lady-correspondent, writing to a daily paper, laments the fact
+that the War has changed a great many husbands. Surely the wife who
+receives the wrong husband can get some sort of redress from the War
+Office.
+
+       ***
+
+All the main-line railways are to be electrified, Sir ERIC GEDDES told
+the House of Commons. Meanwhile he has successfully electrified all
+the old buffers.
+
+       ***
+
+A number of women are doing good work as mates on Medway sailing
+barges. The denial of the report that one of them recently looked at
+a Wapping policeman for five minutes on end without once repeating
+herself may be ascribed to professional jealousy.
+
+       ***
+
+"The small car," says a trade contemporary, "has come to stop." We can
+well believe it. It is an old habit.
+
+       ***
+
+It has been discovered that the new Education Act, which prohibits
+boys under twelve being worked for more than two hours on Sunday, may
+apply to choir-boys. A Commission, we understand, is to be called upon
+to decide finally whether they are really boys or just little demons.
+
+       ***
+
+A man who applied to the Bloomsbury County Court for relief against an
+eviction order stated that he could find no other suitable house, as
+he had nine children under fourteen years of age. His residential
+problem remains unsolved, but we understand, with regard to the other
+difficulty, that the Board of Works has offered to sell him a card
+index at considerably below cost.
+
+       ***
+
+"Bridegrooms," says a contemporary, "are discovering that weddings
+cost more." The growing practice among fathers-in-law of delivering
+their daughters "free at rail," instead of, as formerly, "from house
+to house," may have something to do with it.
+
+       ***
+
+"Ramsgate," says _The Daily Mail_, "is racing Margate in Thanet's
+reconstruction." At present Margate still claims to lead by one
+nigger and two winkle-barrows.
+
+       ***
+
+The Colorado Legislature has passed a resolution in favour of Irish
+independence. The remark attributed to Mr. A.J. BALFOUR, that he
+always thought Colorado was the name of a twopenny cigar, has failed
+to make the situation easier.
+
+       ***
+
+"A pupil at a West London 'out-of-work' school," says a news item,
+"daily attends his studies in an opera-hat." On being informed of this
+fact, Sir THOMAS BEECHAM is reported to have expressed the opinion
+that its significance was obvious.
+
+       ***
+
+President WILSON, it is announced, hopes to visit Scotland shortly for
+some golf. He believes that some adjustment of the dispute as to the
+respective merits of the running-up and pitch-and-stop methods of
+approach should be embodied in the Peace terms if international
+harmony is to be really secured.
+
+       ***
+
+Primroses and crocuses are blooming in North London. Pending an
+official announcement by _The Daily Mail_ people are requested to
+accept this as a preliminary Spring.
+
+       ***
+
+Concrete ships, says a Government official, can be made in moulds. But
+of course you must not forget to grease the tin.
+
+       ***
+
+A Sinn Feiner, arriving home in Crossgar, Co. Down, last week, had
+a very hearty welcome. Thirteen spectators and seven policemen were
+injured.
+
+       ***
+
+Many members of the Bar are greatly afraid that some learned judge
+will ask, "What is the Jazz-step?" before the question has really been
+settled by the dancers themselves.
+
+       ***
+
+The young lady who, on receiving a proposal of marriage over the
+telephone last week, replied, "Yes, who's speaking?" turns out to be
+an ex-typist recently demobilised from the Air Ministry.
+
+       ***
+
+It is interesting to note that to-day is the anniversary of the day
+that was not a Flag-day last year.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER SEX-PROBLEM.
+
+    "Information Wanted as to the whereabouts of James ---- (née Liza
+    ----), ship agent. Last heard of 30 years ago."--_Glasgow Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRELIMINARY DOVE: ITS PROSPECTS.
+
+  Within a little week or two,
+    So all our sanguine prints declare,
+  The Dove (or Bird of Peace) is due
+    To spread its wings and take the air,
+      Like Mr. THOMAS when he flew
+      Across the firmamental blue
+      To join the PREMIER in communion
+      Touching the Railway Workers' Union.
+
+  We've waited many a weary week
+    With bulging eyes and fevered brow,
+  While WILSON pressed upon its beak
+    His League-of-Nations' olive bough,
+      Wondering what amount of weight
+      Its efforts could negotiate,
+      How much, in fact, the bird would stand
+      Without collapsing on the land.
+
+  And, even though it should contrive
+    To keep its pinions on the flap,
+  And by a _tour de force_ survive
+    This devastating handicap,
+      Yet are there perils in the skies
+      Whereon we blandly shut our eyes,
+      But which are bound to be incurred,
+      And, notably, the Bolshy-bird.
+
+  This brand of vulture, most obscene,
+    May have designs upon the Dove;
+  Its carrion taste was never keen
+    On the Millennial reign of Love;
+      And I, for one, am stiff with fear
+      About our little friend's career,
+      Lest that disgusting fowl should maul
+      And eat it, olive-branch and all.
+
+  I mention this to mark the quaint
+    Notion of "Peace" the public has,
+  That wants to smear the Town with paint,
+    To whoop and jubilate and jazz;
+      And while our flappers beat the floor
+      There's Russia soaked in seas of gore,
+      And LENIN waxing beastly fat;
+      Nobody seems to think of that.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PERFECTLY UNAUTHENTIC ANECDOTES.
+
+_which may be reproduced (with the permission of Mr. Punch) in any
+forthcoming volume of Anybody's Reminiscences_.
+
+"You do things so sketchily and casually," said FRITH to WHISTLER one
+day. "Now when I paint a picture I take pains. 'The Derby Day' cost me
+weeks and months of sleeplessness. I did nothing else; I gave my whole
+mind to it." "Oh," said WHISTLER, "that's where it's gone to, is it?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When Mr. BERNARD SHAW made his tour of the ports in order to
+popularise Socialism in the Navy, he was courteously received at
+Portsmouth by Sir HEDWORTH MEUX. The talk happened to turn on the
+theatre, and the Admiral was candid enough to confess himself somewhat
+at sea with regard to the merits of contemporary writers. "Now, Mr.
+SHAW," he said in his breezy way, "I wish you would tell me who is the
+most eminent of the playwrights of to-day?" "Ay, ay, Sir," said Mr.
+SHAW promptly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Dr. Brotherton told me that he was once with MATTHEW ARNOLD in an
+election crowd at Oxford, when the Professor of Poetry accidentally
+collided with a working-man flown with Radicalism and beer. "Go to
+blazes!" said the proletarian. "My friend," replied ARNOLD, "we are
+well met. In me you see the official representative of Literature,
+whereas you, I perceive, stand for Dogma."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mrs. Brown of Newquay, who claims to be the original _Mrs.
+Partington_, told me that SYDNEY SMITH'S last years were overclouded
+by his inability to discover the riddle to which the answer is
+contained in the words, "The one rode a horse and the other rode a
+dendron."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Probably few people remember a Nottinghamshire poet of an earlier
+day who fulfilled with much conscientiousness the duties of local
+laureate. It was the age of Notts's pre-eminence in cricket, and that,
+with other reasons, inspired the bard to write some verses which
+opened with the line, "Is there a county to compare with Notts?" The
+county of Derby was jealous of its neighbour in other things besides
+sport, and considered itself to have scored when its own tame minstrel
+retorted with a parody ending:--
+
+    "Is there a county to compare with Notts?
+                                       Lots!"
+
+Unfortunately the thing was catching, and other counties did their
+best to follow suit, though with considerable difficulty as to rhymes.
+I think it was a singer of Tavistock who won the laurels. After
+disposing of an adjacent rival with the contemptuous jingle,
+"Dorset--Curse it!" he wound up:--
+
+  "Is there a country to compare with Devon?
+                                    Heaven!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Lady Crownderby once told me that she was among the first to see Lord
+HOUGHTON on his return from Spain, and she asked him what he thought
+of Spanish women in comparison with those of our own country. "My dear
+lady," replied HOUGHTON, "I feel like LOT when he escaped from the
+Cities of the Plain."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At a dinner given in honour of her nephew's appointment to a Rural
+Deanery, Mrs. Hinkson-Hanksey told me that she once rallied DISRAELI
+on his lack of religious profession, saying how much it compromised
+him in the eyes of many of his fellow-countrymen in comparison with
+his great rival. "My dear lady," said DISRAELI, "you are aware that
+the New Testament divides all men into two categories. Without
+specifying the class to which I personally belong, I am quite willing
+to admit that Mr. GLADSTONE is a sheep and possesses many of the
+characteristics of that admirable animal."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When I was at Hawarden in the summer of 1893, little DOROTHY DREW
+asked her grandfather for the loan of a book "to press flowers in."
+It is a process, as readers may know, not good for the book, and I
+thought the illustrious statesman and bibliophile looked a little
+embarrassed. But his face cleared in a moment, and he went out of the
+room and presently returned with a sufficient volume, in which the
+flowers were duly laid, the book being then, with the united efforts
+of the company, subjected to the necessary pressure under a heavy
+cabinet. Anxious to know which volume of his beloved library Mr.
+GLADSTONE had selected for desecration, I took an early opportunity
+of furtively examining the title of the tortured tome. It was
+_Coningsby_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY.
+
+    "Councillor ----'s son will be married to the eldest daughter of
+    Councillor ----. The members of the Corporation are invited to the
+    suspicious event."--_Local Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DISTRACTIONS OF AN INDISPENSABLE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sergeant_. "Now, ME LAD, A SUIT OF MUFTI OR FORTY-FIVE
+SHILLINGS?" _Tommy_. "OO, LUMME! I'LL PAY THE FINE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GALLERY PLAY.
+
+
+It wasn't till Panmore noticed its absence on his return from France
+that I remembered the little oil painting which I had left at the
+Ferndale Gallery on sale or return, during the early days of the War,
+when my financial outlook was bad.
+
+Panmore said he had always wanted to buy it, but hadn't liked to ask
+me if I would part with it. I assured him that excess even of delicacy
+was a mistake and that I would try to get the picture back.
+
+So I wrote to the Gallery thus:--
+
+    DEAR SIRS (it seemed absurd to write "Dear Gallery"),--In 1914 or
+    1915 I brought you a small oil painting, which you agreed to sell
+    or return to me. As I haven't heard from you since, I conclude
+    that there has been nothing doing in such pictures and I should
+    like to have it back. The picture is quite a small one, about the
+    size of an ordinary book, and so far as I recollect it portrays
+    a man looking at a horse, to see if its withers stand where they
+    did; or perhaps wondering whether he would sell it and buy a
+    scooter. As a matter of fact I never took particular notice of the
+    picture, not caring for it, but a friend of mine who knows it well
+    appears interested in it and wants to buy it. So please let me
+    have it back as soon as possible.
+
+    Yours faithfully,
+
+    THEOPHILUS B. PIPER-CARY.
+
+    P.S.--By the way, there's a cow, I remember, in the background; a
+    red one. Not a red background; a red cow.
+
+This was the answer I received:--
+
+    DEAR SIR,--In reply to yours of the 13th inst., we remember your
+    visit, but cannot trace having such a picture as you describe in
+    our possession at present. We believe you dealt with our Mr. James
+    Langford, who joined up in May, 1915, and is not yet demobilised.
+    He is in Egypt at the moment, we understand, and we are afraid it
+    would take some time to get into communication with him.
+
+    We shall be glad if under the circumstances you will allow the
+    matter to rest until his return.
+
+    In any case we are afraid we cannot hold ourselves responsible for
+    the picture, unless you can produce a receipt from us proving that
+    it reached us.
+
+    We are, Yours obediently,
+
+    _pp_. THE FERNDALE GALLERY.
+
+    J.S.
+
+The last paragraph in their letter gave me the impression that they
+knew they had the picture but had mislaid it. Meanwhile Panmore seemed
+so hot on it and I was so badly hit by the War that I thought I would
+have another shot at recovering it. So I addressed the Gallery as
+follows:--
+
+    DEAR SIRS,--Thanks for your letter, and in reply I should be
+    obliged if you could get another search party out. I have found
+    a receipt for the picture, signed with a name that might, if
+    straightened out, be James Langford.
+
+    My friend is getting quite excited about it, and he is the sort
+    of person one wants to humour. He is a Lieut.-Colonel, an O.B.E.,
+    and, what is more important still, one of the feoffees of
+    Buckley's Hospital (a fifteenth-century foundation here), and
+    whatever a feoffee may be he is not the kind of man to toy with in
+    a small town like this.
+
+    I forgot to mention that there is an inn on the left of the
+    picture, and a girl coming out of it carrying, perhaps, a
+    bran-mash for the horse or some Government dope for the man, and
+    there are some hens, all fully regardant and expectant, at her
+    feet.
+
+    Hoping to hear in the course of a post or two that you have found
+    the painting,
+
+    I am, Yours anxiously,
+
+    THEOPHILUS B. PIPER-CARY.
+
+    P.S.--Don't forget there's a cow in the background; a red cow.
+
+Three days later I received a picture (not mine) from the Gallery with
+this letter:--
+
+    DEAR SIR,--After a most exhaustive search we have found and send
+    herewith what we believe to be your picture, though it does not
+    quite answer to your description. It is, however, the only one of
+    which we do not appear to have any record.
+
+    Our Mr. Langford seems likely to be abroad for some months, so
+    unless you will accept this picture in settlement of the matter we
+    do not see any present way out of the difficulty.
+
+    Confident that, if it is not yours, it is at least just as good,
+    we trust that you will agree to cry quits.
+
+    We are, Yours obediently,
+
+    _pp._ THE FERNDALE GALLERY.
+
+    J.S.
+
+Why they should feel sure it was just as good, unless they remembered
+my picture, wasn't very clear, but evidently the receipt had put the
+wind up them, and I wrote and accepted the substitute at once, because
+Panmore liked it better even than the original picture. He said it was
+an Alken and gave me far more than I would have thought of asking for
+it, or for the original one.
+
+About a week after selling it I received this wire from the Gallery:--
+
+    Please return painting sent in error. Very valuable Alken. Have
+    customer.
+
+    FERNDALE.
+
+"Diamond cut diamond," I said to myself. And I replied thus:--
+
+    DEAR SIRS,--I received your wire, but regret that I cannot comply
+    with your request. Firstly, because I have already accepted the
+    picture which you regarded as mine or its equivalent, in place of
+    the one that was mine and is now yours; and, secondly, because my
+    friend the feoffee has already bought it, the one that was yours
+    and is now mine, or rather his (you know what I mean, don't you?),
+    and I haven't the heart to ask him to return it.
+
+    Perhaps yours (the one that is now yours and was mine before),
+    being the equivalent of the one that was yours and is now mine (or
+    rather the feoffee's), would suit your client. I can only suggest
+    your having another look for it; the matter so far as I am
+    concerned is at an end. Yours faithfully,
+
+    THEOPHILUS B. PIPER-CARY.
+
+    P.S.--You'll know it when you find it. There's a red cow in the
+    background.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sentence of Mike Ancon, found guilty of housekeeping, was
+    postponed yesterday afternoon."--_Manitoba Free Press._
+
+This species of crime is almost extinct in England.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE "HESITATION" WALTZ.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE RISING EGG.
+
+Whatever may be the decline in the price of eggs their social
+movement is clearly upwards. The following passage from _The Croydon
+Advertiser_ gives an admirable life-history of the egg, from shell to
+profit-sharing:--
+
+    "Eggs will be dated and graded and sold accordingly, and as soon
+    as they have done laying fattened for table purposes, also young
+    cockerels. They will be killed and plucked, and the feathers will
+    be sorted and sold in the best markets. So you see they will
+    receive full market price for their produce; then if they are
+    shareholders they will receive a further profit in the difference
+    between the cost and the selling, also the very big amounts
+    received for the skins and the feathers."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL.
+
+_Oldest Inhabitant._ "I NEVER EXPECTED TO LIVE TILL THE END OF THE
+WAR, MA'AM; BUT NOW I'M HOPING TO BE SPARED TO SEE THE BEGINNING OF
+THE NEXT ONE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHOICE BOOKS OF THE WEEK.
+
+THE NEW PARIS SKETCH-BOOK; OR, THE FIRST FIFTY THOUSAND.
+
+By GLADYS FLAPPERTON, O.B.E., Author of _Peace and Plenty of It._
+
+This charming volume describes in detail the delightful Parisian
+holiday which has been provided by the Government under the best
+possible conditions for young ladies with (and without) a knowledge of
+typewriting.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_TIGER LILY,
+
+A POEM IN FOURTEEN SPASMS._
+
+By WOODROW WILSON.
+
+Affectionately dedicated to M. CLEMENCEAU.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HISTORY OF FREDERICK THE GREAT.
+
+BY HAROLD SMITH, M.P.
+
+("England's Harold.")
+
+With an Introduction by the LORD CHANCELLOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+O SMILLIE, WE HAVE MISSED YOU, AND OTHER LYRICS.
+
+Highly recommended by Messrs. MUDIE and SANKEY (the Author).
+
+Copies of this beautiful work have been accepted by several mining
+royalties.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GEDDES BIOGRAPHICAL DICTIONARY.
+
+Publication of the Second Volume (AUC--ERIC).
+
+It is hoped to complete in twelve handsome volumes this the first
+attempt to record and codify the achievements and services of the
+GEDDES family in the Great War.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WASTEWARD HO!
+
+A ROMANCE OF CIPPENHAM.
+
+With an Introductory Apologia by Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEXT WAR.
+
+    ["As the result of a conference called by the War Office it has
+    been decided to wage a war of annihilation against the warble-fly.
+    It is hoped that by means of concerted action through the country
+    this pestilent insect, so injurious to the hides of horses and
+    cattle, may be completely stamped out."    _Daily Paper._]
+
+  The warble-fly, the warble-fly
+  Is absolutely doomed to die.
+  They've summoned all the General Staff,
+  There's going to be a mighty "strafe,"
+  And soon the land from shore to shore
+  Will echo with the din of war,
+  As armèd hosts with martial cries
+  Descend upon the warble-flies.
+
+  We've got the shells, we've got the guns
+  (The same that overwhelmed the Huns),
+  And, what is more, we've got the Man;
+  With WINSTON riding in the van
+  I do not think there's any doubt
+  That we shall put the foe to rout,
+  And, scorning peace by compromise,
+  Annihilate the warble-flies.
+
+  In tranquil peace the gentle beeves
+  Shall chew their cud through summer eves;
+  No more shall that alarming warble
+  Affright the calm of heifer or bull,
+  And send them snorting round the croft
+  With eyes of fear and tails aloft.
+  Till every warble-fly be floored
+  Whitehall will _never_ sheathe the sword.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Growth of Impropriety.
+
+    "Her hair is always exquisitely dressed, and her shoes in perfect
+    shape. No more in the way of dress is required of any woman."
+
+    _Daily Mirror._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "PROPOSED IMPROVEMENT OF A DANGEROUS CORONER."
+
+    _Headline in Provincial Paper._
+
+The best plan, possibly, would be to get the jury to sit on him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NEWSPAPER HEADINGS POPULARLY ILLUSTRATED.
+
+"INFLUENZA MICROBE DISCOVERED AT A LONDON HOSPITAL."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. BLOGGINS'S STATEMENT.
+
+It is not too much to say that bed-making circles in Cambridge have
+been agitated to their utmost depths by the recent advent of some
+hundreds of American youths who have come to pursue certain courses
+of study within the University walls. Let us make one thing perfectly
+clear. Bed-makers do not object to Americans as Americans, but this
+avalanche of Transatlantics arrives on the very eve of the vacation,
+just when the bed-makers are packing off the contingent of young Naval
+officers who have been making things hum during the past term.
+
+Persuaded that their too-brief holidays will be entirely absorbed in
+attending to the Americans, the bed-makers urge with some justice that
+they too are entitled to enjoy the beautiful things of this enchanting
+world quite as much as miners and railway-men. We understand that
+meetings of their Association are being held, and that the University
+authorities are faced by a situation which is rapidly passing beyond
+their control. Bed-makers are amongst the most loyal members of the
+community, but they feel, as a prominent member of the profession
+put it, that "the last camel breaks the straw's back," and they are
+determined to uphold their immemorial rights.
+
+We have thought it our duty therefore to interview the celebrated Mrs.
+Bloggins, the _doyenne_ of the Corps of Bed-makers of Trinity College.
+We found the lady in her home in Paradise Walk, where she was engaged
+in eating some excellent buttered toast. We lost no time in explaining
+the purport of our visit.
+
+"We desire to know, Mrs. Bloggins," we began, "what your feelings are
+with regard to the Americans."
+
+"Ah," said Mrs. Bloggins, speaking with deep emotion, "you may well
+call 'em Americans, for I've never bin so troubled about anythink
+before. Some people seem to git the notion into their 'eads that
+bed-makers do no work. Why we're arst to slave from mornin' till
+night, and our pay is paltry. Things in Cambridge isn't like what they
+was. Time was when our young gentlemen used to 'ave big dinners
+in their rooms, and a careful bed-maker could save a bone or two.
+Nowadays they,'re only cheese-parers, that's what I call 'em. You
+won't believe me, I know, but my mother, who was a bed-maker afore me,
+used to 'ave a month at the seaside every year, all paid for out of
+money give to 'er by 'er young gentlemen. To be sure there was a
+wrangler, or somethink of that kind, who didn't come up to the mark,
+so she soon got rid of 'im; 'e used to find 'is butter was took by the
+cat, and accidents of that kind.
+
+"Mind yer," she continued, "I ain't got nothink to say against the
+Americans. They may be the most liberal-'earted gentlemen in the world
+for all I know. But it's the principle of the thing I'm objectin' to.
+It's a case of kill me quick or cure me to-morrow, and if President
+WILSON was to talk till next week 'e couldn't make it no different.
+You can't make a silk sock out of a side of bacon, and that's true
+whichever way you look at it."
+
+"But what steps," we urged, "does your Association intend to take,
+Mrs. Bloggins, over this matter?"
+
+"I don't know nothink about no 'sociations," said Mrs. Bloggins, "but
+I do know that we're all in it, and Mrs. Pledger and Mrs. 'Uggins, and
+the rest of 'em, we knows our power and we intends to use it."
+
+"In what way do you mean?" I said.
+
+She looked at me cunningly.
+
+"Now you're spyin'. It's dirty work and I won't 'ave it 'ere. You
+might be the Proctor hisself for all I cares--you're not going to
+ferret nothink out of me."
+
+Hereupon she rose with great dignity and plainly indicated that the
+interview was at an end.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    La Haute Cuisine.
+
+    "Cook; French; age 38; wages £25-£30 week."--_Morning Post._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE DEATH.
+
+    [According to the papers, two Frenchmen have agreed to fight a
+    duel in aeroplanes.]
+
+"Cauliflower!" shrieked Gaspard Volauvent across the little table in
+the _estaminet_. His face bristled with rage.
+
+"Serpent!" replied Jacques Rissolo, bristling with equal dexterity.
+
+The two stout little men glared ferociously at each other. Then
+Jacques picked up his glass and poured the wine of the country over
+his friend's head.
+
+"Drown, serpent!" he said magnificently. He beckoned to the waiter.
+"Another bottle," he said. "My friend has drunk all this."
+
+Gaspard removed the wine from his whiskers with the local paper and
+leant over the table towards Jacques.
+
+"This must be wiped out in blood," he said slowly. "You understand?"
+
+"Perfectly," replied the other. "The only question is whose."
+
+"Name your weapons," said Gaspard Volauvent grandly.
+
+"Aeroplanes," replied Jacques Rissole after a moment's thought.
+
+"Bah! I cannot fly."
+
+"Then I win," said Jacques simply.
+
+The other looked at him in astonishment.
+
+"What! You fly?"
+
+"No; but I can learn."
+
+"Then I will learn too," said Gaspard with dignity. "We meet--in six
+months?"
+
+"Good." Jacques pointed to the ceiling. "Say three thousand feet up."
+
+"Three thousand four hundred," said Gaspard for the sake of
+disagreeing.
+
+"After all, that is for our seconds to arrange. My friend Épinard of
+the Roullens Aerodrome will act for me. He will also instruct me how
+to bring serpents to the ground."
+
+"With the idea of cleansing the sky of cauliflowers," said Gaspard, "I
+shall proceed to the flying-ground at Dormancourt; Blanchaille, the
+instructor there, will receive your friend."
+
+He bowed and walked out.
+
+Details were soon settled. On a date six months ahead the two
+combatants would meet three thousand two hundred feet above the little
+town in which they lived, and fight to the death. In the event of both
+crashing, the one who crashed last would be deemed the victor. It was
+Gaspard's second who insisted on this clause; Gaspard himself felt
+that it did not matter.
+
+The first month of instruction went by. At the end of it Jacques
+Rissole had only one hope. It was that when he crashed he should crash
+on some of Gaspard's family. Gaspard had no hope, but one consolation.
+It was that no crash could involve his stomach, which he invariably
+left behind him as soon as the aeroplane rose.
+
+At the end of the second month Gaspard wrote to Jacques.
+
+"My friend," he wrote, "the hatred of you which I nurse in my bosom,
+and which fills me with the desire to purge you from the sky, is in
+danger of being transferred to my instructor. Let us therefore meet
+and renew our enmity."
+
+Jacques Rissole wrote back to Gaspard.
+
+"My enemy," he wrote, "there is nobody in the whole of the Roullens
+aerodrome whom I do not detest with a detestation beside which my
+hatred for you seems as maudlin adoration. This is notwithstanding the
+fact that I make the most marvellous progress in the art of flying. It
+is merely something in their faces which annoys me. Let me therefore
+see yours again, in the hope that it will make me think more kindly of
+theirs."
+
+They met, poured wine over each other and parted. After another month
+the need of a further stimulant was felt. They met again, and agreed
+to insult each other weekly.
+
+On the last day of his training Gaspard spoke seriously to his
+instructor.
+
+"You see that I make nothing of it," he said. "My thoughts are ever
+with the stomach that I leave behind. Not once have I been in a
+position to take control. How then can I fight? My friend, I arrange
+it all. You shall take my place."
+
+"Is that quite fair to Rissole?" asked Blanchaille doubtfully.
+
+"Do not think that I want you to hurt him. That is not necessary. He
+will hurt himself. Keep out of his way until he has finished with
+himself, and then fly back here. It is easy."
+
+It seemed the best way; indeed the only way. Gaspard Volauvent could
+never get to the _rendezvous_ alone, and it would be fatal to his
+honour if Jacques arrived there and found nobody to meet him.
+Reluctantly Blanchaille agreed.
+
+At the appointed hour Gaspard put his head cautiously out of his
+bedroom window and gazed up into the heavens. He saw two aeroplanes
+straight above him. At the thought that he might have been in one of
+them he shuddered violently. Indeed he felt so unwell that the need
+for some slight restorative became pressing. He tripped off to the
+_estaminet_.
+
+It was empty save for one table. Gaspard walked towards it, hoping
+for a little conversation. The occupant lowered the newspaper from in
+front of his face and looked up.
+
+It was too much for Gaspard.
+
+"Coward!" he shrieked.
+
+Jacques, who had been just going to say the same thing, hastily
+substituted "Serpent!"
+
+"I know you," cried Gaspard. "You send your instructor up in your
+place. Poltroon!"
+
+Jacques picked up his glass and poured the wine of the country over
+his friend's head.
+
+"Drown, serpent," he said magnificently. He beckoned to the waiter.
+"Another bottle," he said. "My friend has drunk all this."
+
+Gaspard removed the wine from his whiskers with Jacques' paper and
+leant over him.
+
+"This must be wiped out in blood," he said slowly. "Name your
+weapons."
+
+"Submarines," said Jacques after a moment's thought.
+
+A.A.M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SWANS OF YPRES.
+
+  Ypres was once a weaving town,
+  Where merchants jostled up and down
+    And merry shuttles used to ply;
+  On the looms the fleeces were
+  Brought from the mart at Winchester,
+    And silver flax from Burgundy.
+
+  Who is weaving there to-night?
+  Only the moon, whose shuttle white
+    Makes silver warp on dyke and pond;
+  Her hands fling veils of lily-woof
+  On riven spire and open roof
+    And on the haggard marsh beyond.
+
+  No happy ghosts or fairies haunt
+  The ancient city, huddling gaunt,
+    Where waggons crawl with anxious wheel
+  And o'er the marshland desolate
+  Win slowly to the battered gate
+    That Flemings call the Gate of Lille.
+
+  Yet by some wonder it befalls
+  That, where the lonely outer walls
+    Brood in the silent pool below,
+  Among the sedges of the moat,
+  Like lilies furled, the two swans float;
+    "The Swans of Ypres" men call them now.
+
+  They have heard guns and many men
+  Come and depart and come again,
+    They have seen strange disastrous things,
+  When fire and fume rolled o'er their nest;
+  But changeless and aloof they rest,
+    The Swans of Ypres, with folded wings.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Will Treasury notes ever be displaced by boxes of chocolates?
+    "--_Daily Paper_.
+
+Certainly. Ours often are.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the report of the Committee on the Staffing of Government Offices
+we gather that there has been a good deal of overflapping.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRANSPORT FACILITIES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress._ "OH, JANE, HOW DID YOU DO THAT?"
+
+_Maid._ "I'M VERY SORRY, MUM; I WAS ACCIDENTALLY DUSTING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SCHLOSS BILLET.
+
+We had not expected much of a billet in a defeated and starving
+country; that was probably why everybody was enthusiastic over it--at
+first. I, as billeting officer, was especially proud of having
+discovered it. The very thing for Brigade Headquarters--secluded,
+dignified, commanding and spacious.
+
+A couple of kilos from the gates through the drive brings you to
+the Schloss. Entering a hall about the size of a modern theatre you
+journey to the ante-room, a vast apartment, which for space compares
+favourably with the Coliseum at Rome. A world-exhibition of pictures
+and tapestries covers the walls of the Schloss, while an acre or two
+of painted ceiling shows the chief events of German history, from the
+Creation to the Franco-Prussian War.
+
+In the Dining-room, reached by a progress over carpets and rugs
+representative of all the best periods of Oriental art, it would
+be fairly easy to stage a review on the table itself; while in the
+Music-room a hundred or so lorries could be parked without attracting
+observation too glaringly. Should the need arise, the Library could
+accommodate a battalion on parade, a rifle range or sufficient
+office room for Q branch of a division. A labyrinth of corridors and
+servants' bedrooms harbours the rank and file, and it is said that the
+number of kitchens, pantries and cellars in the north and east wings
+runs into three figures.
+
+The Divisional Commander called it "homely"; the Corps Commander
+remarked that its style was "not cramped, anyhow--what?" and the Army
+Commander pronounced it very "cosy."
+
+The first two days I did not see my servant at all. On Wednesday he
+turned up just before lunch. On Monday and Tuesday, he explained, he
+had wandered through corridors and passages trying to find my room,
+and, by rising an hour before _reveille_, he thought he would be able
+to get from his quarters to mine by about breakfast-time.
+
+We used to adjourn to the billiard-room after dinner, but gave it up
+because it was necessary to stop play at half-past ten in order to be
+in bed by midnight. Signals is worried because he has not enough line
+left to reach Battalions, all available supplies having been used up
+in connecting the General's room with various parts of the Schloss.
+We are continually late for dinner owing to errors in judging the
+distances from one room to another. Our once happy family has
+dissolved into silent morose individuals, for we have grown strange
+and distant to one another. Liaison between departments has broken
+down, and the Staff-Captain whom I saw yesterday in the distance is
+suffering from premature decay.
+
+But a solution has been found, for the Engineers are unloading a
+couple of Nissen huts to put up in the hall, and we shall soon be a
+united family once more.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The surveyor said that as things were at present he had little
+    or no authority over the men who, for the most part, simply
+    considered him his equal."--_Trade Paper._
+
+If he doesn't take a stronger line the men will consider him his
+inferior.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a short story:--
+
+    "She was a slip of a thing, with the sort of eyes that go well
+    with curly long lashes--if they are blue, as hers were."--_Weekly
+    Paper._
+
+Our local _coiffeur_ only stocks the old-fashioned peroxide.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OVERWEIGHTED.
+
+PRESIDENT WILSON. "HERE'S YOUR OLIVE BRANCH. NOW GET BUSY." DOVE OF
+PEACE. "OF COURSE I WANT TO PLEASE EVERYBODY; BUT ISN'T THIS A BIT
+THICK?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE STRENUOUS LIFE.
+
+BEFORE TAKING OFFICE ALL MEMBERS IN FUTURE WILL HAVE TO PASS A TEST OF
+THEIR ABILITY TO SUSTAIN A PROLONGED FLIGHT, FIVE THOUSAND FEET UP, AT
+A HUNDRED-AND-SEVENTY MILES AN HOUR.]
+
+_Monday, March 17th_.--Mr. GEORGE TERRELL, always a little inclined to
+look upon the black side of things, was apprehensive about the spread
+of Bolshevism in this country. Not so Lord HENRY BENTINCK, who
+genially exploded with "Is not Bolshevism in this country a pure
+bogey?" Not quite that, perhaps; but I gathered that in Mr. BONAR
+LAW'S opinion it hasn't a ghost of a chance.
+
+Great cheers from the Wee Frees greeted the advent of Mr. A.E.
+NEWBOULD, the victor of West Leyton, whose defeat of the Coalition
+candidate has increased the size of their party by something like four
+per cent. As the new Member is understood to be connected with the
+film business his colleagues are hoping that they will soon have
+Ministers on the "movies."
+
+We know on high authority that evil communications corrupt good
+manners. Sir ERIC GEDDES goes further and believes that they corrupt
+everything. That was the text of his capital speech on the second
+reading of the Transportation Bill. Dispensing on this occasion with
+his usual typescript, he discoursed at large for an hour and a-half on
+the paralytic condition of our railways, roads, canals and docks.
+
+We all had our pleasant morning dreams, he said, but they usually
+disappeared after we had had our cold bath; and the country, which was
+no longer rich, but poor, must take its douche. His own dream is of a
+beautifully centralised control, directing all our traffic agencies
+(save tramways and shipping) into the most convenient channels; and he
+won't be happy till he gets it. But judging by some of the speeches
+that followed he too may have a frigid disillusionment when the Bill
+comes up against the "interests" in Committee. Mr. T.P. O'CONNOR,
+on behalf of Liverpool, described it as the product of "an old
+bureaucracy and a young Parliamentarian," and Mr. RENWICK declared
+that, if it passed, the Manchester Ship Canal would be "between
+the devil and the deep sea," surely an uncalled-for attack on
+Cottonopolis.
+
+Upon the adjournment, Col. CLAUDE LOWTHER again raised the question of
+the payment of German indemnities, and Mr. BONAR LAW again declared
+that the policy of the Government was to demand the largest amount
+that Germany could pay, but not to demand what we knew she couldn't
+pay. It would have saved him a lot of trouble if at the General
+Election the Government spokesmen had insisted as much upon the second
+half of the policy as they did upon the first.
+
+_Tuesday, March 18th_.--GILBERT'S fanciful description of the "most
+susceptible Chancellor" is justified by the way in which the present
+occupant of the Woolsack and his predecessors vie with one another in
+the endeavour to secure the favour of the fair sex. Today it was
+Lord HALDANE'S turn to oblige, and he brought in a Bill to enable
+Scotswomen to become Advocates and Law Agents. Lord HALSBURY'S
+contribution to the work of feminine emancipation has not yet been
+announced. The rumour that a deputation of ladies recently approached
+him with a proposal that they should be eligible for judicial
+office--"Scarlet and ermine are _so_ becoming"--and that he put them
+off with the old joke about there being "enough old women on the Bench
+already" is, of course, apocryphal.
+
+Not infrequently in the official reports of the Lords' debates a
+speech begins thus: "Lord ---- (_who was indistinctly heard_)." The
+Commons' report might well adopt this salutary practice as a warning
+to Members who persistently mumble, or who address their remarks to
+the body of the House instead of to the SPEAKER. Ministers are the
+worst offenders. One of them was asked this afternoon, for example,
+whether the Judicial Adviser to the SULTAN had discouraged the use of
+the English language in the Egyptian Courts, but all we could hear of
+the _sotto voce_ conversation between him and his interrogator was
+that "er--er--language--er--had--been--er--er--misunderstood."
+
+Some savages, travellers tell us, are unable to count beyond five.
+Some Ministers, on the other hand, show an inability to reckon except
+in millions. Mr. CHURCHILL, when asked how many soldiers were not
+receiving the recent increase of pay, remarked casually that the
+numbers were "not so very great--half-a-million would cover them."
+Happily these "sloppy statistics" (to recall a phrase used by Mr.
+ASQUITH during the Tariff Reform controversy) do not appeal to the
+FOOD-CONTROLLER. He, being invited to say whether the Government had
+made "approximately £2,400,000" by the charge on cattle-sales, replied
+that the amount was "approximately" £3,449,939; and we felt that he
+was cut to the heart at not being able to give the odd shillings and
+pence.
+
+The renewed debate on the Transportation Bill revealed a good deal
+of opposition. Roadmen thought it an excellent project for railways;
+railwayman were all in favour of its being applied to docks; and
+dockmen had no objection to its being tried on the roads. But none of
+them wanted it for his own particular interest. Sir EDWARD CARSON'S
+objections were both particular and general. Belfast would be ruined
+if its port were controlled by "a nest of politicians" in Dublin, but
+apart from that he doubted whether the promised economies would
+be realised in any direction. Ministers were "gluttons for
+centralisation," and would, he prophesied, incur the usual fate of
+gluttons, acute indigestion.
+
+Mr. BONAR LAW, while admitting that he himself would not have voted
+for the Bill five years ago, declared that the War had made it
+essential. That seemed to be the general opinion, for the second
+reading was agreed to without a division.
+
+_Wednesday, March 19th_.--Lord MALMESBURY, who has lately been the
+victim of a burglary, attributed it to housebreakers having been
+demobilised before policemen. Whether this was done on the ground that
+they conducted "one man businesses," or because someone in Whitehall
+assumed that the wielders of the centre-bit must be "pivotal," I do
+not know, but an Army Order requiring Commanding Officers to keep
+the balance even between criminals and coppers seems to be urgently
+needed.
+
+The Bishops were delighted to hear from Lord ERNLE that his department
+includes a Hop-Controller, and are going to ask him to turn his
+attention to the Jazz.
+
+Museums could not be opened just yet, said Lord STANMORE, because some
+eight thousand officials of various departments were at present lodged
+in these buildings. To judge by the comments of the public Press,
+there are several hundreds more who ought to be kept there.
+
+_Thursday, March 20th_.--Lord WINTERTON wanted to know what the
+Government was doing to counteract Mr. BERNARD SHAW'S alleged
+anti-British propaganda in the United States. Mr. CECIL HARMSWORTH
+thought Professor OMAN'S recent memorandum would prove a sufficient
+counterblast. He had, however, no objection to adding Mr. SHAW'S
+latest pamphlet to "the large budget of Shavian literature" already at
+the Foreign Office, where, it is said, the clerks on night-duty like
+to beguile their leisure with light fiction.
+
+Late in the evening Mr. BONAR LAW announced the intentions of the
+Government with regard to the coal industry. It would adopt Mr.
+Justice SANKEY'S report, giving the men a large portion of their
+demands. If the miners still persisted in striking--well, the State
+would strike too, with all its might; otherwise there was an end of
+government in this country. The cheers which greeted this statement
+seriously annoyed Mr. JACK JONES, who sits for Silvertown, and
+maintains the explosive reputation of his constituency.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CROWN OF OLD KING COAL.
+
+TRYING IT ON.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CROSSING-SWEEPER.
+
+  Five years ago he swept the snow,
+  Or the mud, or the dust or the leaves that blow,
+    Or stood at the corner "dossing";
+  Picking up rubbish and dangerous rind
+  That careless people had left behind,
+        He swept the crossing.
+
+  And still he sweeps and clears the way
+  In blizzard and mist and soaking spray,
+    Out on the Channel tossing;
+  Picking up mines of a devilish kind
+  That unscrupulous people have left behind,
+        He sweeps the crossing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "COAL STRIKE POPSTONED."
+
+    _Provincial Paper_.
+
+Much the best thing to do with it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DRAMATISTS TO THE RESCUE.
+
+In view of the theory developed by the Ministry of Reconstruction's
+Sub-Committee on Organisation and Conditions of Domestic Service,
+that "the attitude adopted by the Press and the Stage is usually an
+unfortunate one, as servants are frequently represented as comic or
+flippant characters, and are held up to ridicule," a meeting of our
+leading dramatists was hastily convened last evening by Lady
+HEADFORT (who, it will be remembered, is all for calling her maids
+"Home-birds") to engage their sympathetic co-operation in aid of
+mistresses, housekeepers and employers generally. What the stage
+has taken away the stage must give back: that is Lady HEADFORT'S
+contention. Not that the domestic problem will even then be settled;
+there will probably still be difficulty in persuading W.A.A.C.s and
+Land Women and Munitioners who have tasted blood to descend below
+stairs again; but perhaps a little help will be forthcoming. Hence
+this influential gathering.
+
+Sir SQUIRE BANCROFT, who presided, said that the domestic problem
+was one of great seriousness. Personally he rarely descended to the
+servants' hall, but he did not pretend to be unaware of the usefulness
+of such regions and of our dependence upon them. There must be give
+and take. If the stage had been guilty of too much levity in its
+portraiture of domestic servants, then, in the interests of all of us,
+it must make what our lively neighbours call the _amende honorable_.
+
+Sir JAMES BARRIE said that no one could hold him personally to blame.
+His plays had always exhibited domestic servants in a most favourable
+light. Not only was a butler the hero of _The Admirable Crichton_, a
+maidservant the heroine of _A Kiss for Cinderella_ and a charwoman the
+heroine of _The Old Lady Shows Her Medals_, but the actual authorship
+of _Peter Pan_ was given to the smallest nursemaid on record.
+
+Mr. SOMERSET MAUGHAM also claimed to be on the side of the home-birds.
+Had he not in _Smith_ written a part of strong parlour-maid interest
+for Miss MARIE LÖHR?
+
+Mr. G.B. SHAW said that there was no need for the meeting at all,
+because he was just putting the finishing touches to a witty drama
+which would settle the whole question. In this play, which, he could
+tell them on the best authority in the world, his own, was a work of
+surpassing genius, the Irish Question, which had baffled statesmen and
+philosophers for centuries, is settled once and for all by the wisdom
+and presence of mind of a Kerry kitchenmaid.
+
+The Chairman said that perhaps the meeting might as well proceed with
+its discussion, since there was always the possibility that the run
+of Mr. SHAW'S play might not equal that of his last, which, he
+understood, had just been produced in New York and had come off almost
+at once.
+
+Mr. HENRY ARTHUR JONES said that if any branch of art could effect
+social transformations it was the drama. Personally he looked upon the
+stage as only one degree less powerful than the Senate and vastly more
+serious than the Church. Its first duty was to instruct, elevate and
+reform; to amuse was never its true function. Hence, if the dramatists
+of the country cared to take up the task of remedying the servant
+shortage, the matter would be quickly settled. But only, added the
+speaker with extreme gravity, if the authors of the pernicious rubbish
+known as _revue_ were first gagged and bound.
+
+Mr. MAX PEMBERTON said that, although he had given up _revue_ writing
+in favour of transforming farcical plays, he felt that he might make
+an appeal to the authors of _revue_ (who often exceeded the audience
+in number) to join in this very laudable campaign. Speaking as one of
+the two-and-twenty Hippodromios, although no longer in that capacity,
+he would appeal to his successors to paint life below stairs in such
+resplendent hues that the desire instantly to take service would be
+implanted in every female bosom.
+
+Mr. ALFRED SUTRO, speaking at the moment not so much as a dramatist as
+a man without a cook, said that he agreed heartily with the sentiments
+of the gentleman who had just sat down.
+
+Sir ARTHUR WING PINERO said that he was always willing to help worthy
+causes and was as ready to write a play for the object in view as, not
+long since, he had been to write one to encourage economy. But it was
+useless unless the company chosen would co-operate. The dramatist did
+not stand alone. So long as the ordinary stage idea of a parlourmaid
+was a saucy nymph with a feather brush and very short skirts, so long
+would dramatists strive in vain to exalt her calling. He was prepared
+to do his best, but feared that the actors' traditions would prove too
+strong.
+
+Mr. WALTER MELVILLE said that he hoped nothing would be done to tamper
+with such traditions as Sir ARTHUR complained of. It was the duty of a
+stage servant to begin plays and to be funny. The curtain of a farce
+should rise on a butler and a parlourmaid remarking on the fact that
+master was suspiciously late last night; and the butler should be
+amorous, bibulous and peculative, and the parlourmaid coy and trim.
+Similarly, footmen should be haughty and drop their aitches, cooks
+short-tempered, red and fat, and office-boys knowing and cheeky. The
+public expected it, and the public ought to have it because the public
+paid.
+
+There being no further remarks, the meeting dispersed, the various
+speakers returning sadly home to perform the household duties.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "EX-KAISER TO PAP THE PENALTY."
+
+    _Sunday Paper_.
+
+We always feared he would get off with a soft punishment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:_Docker_ (_by way of concluding a heated argument with
+Scotsman_). "WELL, GO UP THERE, THEN, AN' TALK TO YOUR BLINKIN'
+SCOTCH PALS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR POPULAR GUIDES.
+
+    "HOW INFLUENZA MAY BE SPREAD."
+
+    _Headline in a Daily Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A correspondent writes: "It may interest you to know that I recently
+received the following statement from a provincial branch of a
+floor-cloth company:--
+
+    'Owing to some of the principal ingredients used in the
+    manufacture of floor coverings having been taken over by the
+    Ministry of Food, the price of the material is again advanced.'
+
+Have you noticed it at all in your soup?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HOUSE-HUNTER
+
+Unless something is done for Higgins without delay the nation must
+prepare to face a tremendous rise in the rate of mortality among
+house-agents.
+
+Soon after he came back from the War he began to adopt a threatening
+attitude (as the police-court witnesses say) towards these gentlemen.
+Recently he has gone beyond the threatening stage. If rumour can be
+trusted, he has thrown at least six of them through their office
+windows. He has taken a dislike to the whole tribe. They are, in his
+opinion, a gang of criminals for whom no punishment could be too
+severe, because they impose upon the public in general and Higgins in
+particular, by continuing in business as if they were in a position to
+let houses when, as a matter of fact, there are no houses for them to
+let.
+
+Higgins wants a house. Yes, incredible though it may sound, this man,
+who for years has been content to dwell in a dug-out or consort with
+creeping things in the confines of a canvas tent, and even on occasion
+make his bed beneath the starry dome of heaven, with nothing in
+between, has now developed a craving for a residence built of bricks
+and mortar.
+
+What is more, he expects the house-agents to find it for him, and,
+since he considers the whole thing from the purely personal point of
+view, their excuses for failing to do so are of no avail. The fact
+that half a million other people want houses is nothing to him. He
+ignores it. He believes that the house-agentry of the country has
+hatched a gigantic conspiracy to keep him, Higgins, out of a home.
+
+I have done _my_ best to put him out of his misery. After seeing the
+poor wretch wear himself (and his boots) out in useless journeying to
+and from the places where house-agents pretend to work I thought of a
+scheme--not strictly original--for obtaining a house and presented it
+to him without hope of reward.
+
+"You are committing and error," I said.
+
+"I shall commit a murder in a minute," he growled but, knowing what he
+had suffered, I took no notice of the threat.
+
+"Listen," I said; "all the habitable houses in England are occupied
+and it will be years before the new ones are built. The painting of
+"TO LET" boards has become a lost art. You are wasting your time in
+looking for an _empty_ dwelling. Take my advice. Choose one that is
+occupied, any one you fancy, and empty it."
+
+At this point he interpolated an offensive expression with which I was
+not familiar before I joined the army, but I overlooked that also.
+
+"You think it is impossible, but you are wrong," I told him. "This
+scheme is bound to succeed. All you have to do is to haunt the house.
+You do not eject the tenant yourself. You conjure up a ghost to do it
+for you."
+
+"The devil!"
+
+"No--not necessarily. An ordinary ghost will do."
+
+"But, my dear good fool, how in Hades or out of it can I produce a
+ghost?"
+
+"Easily. By _suggestion_. That is the secret. This is an age of
+suggestion. Doctors are curing patients by suggestion. Politicians
+hypnotise the public by suggestion. And you can frighten the present
+occupants out of your chosen home by suggestion. No real ghost
+is required. Having selected the house you pay a call and lay
+ground-bait, so to speak. You tell the tenant you are interested in
+the place because you happen to know that at one time it was haunted.
+You relate a gruesome tale of some mysterious tragedy that you say has
+occurred there, and generally make your victim's flesh creep.
+
+"He or she, a woman for choice, will probably laugh at first. Never
+mind. Allow a few days for the idea to sink in, and then call again.
+It is a hundred to one that you will hear that strange manifestations
+have been observed. After that it will be plain sailing. You will
+continue to call, always supplying fresh suggestion, until at last,
+thoroughly unnerved, the tenant will bolt, probably taking refuge in
+a hotel. That will be your chance. Snatch the place up at once, and
+there you are."
+
+For the first time since he was demobilised, Higgins smiled.
+
+"By Heavens!" he said, "I'll try it. There's a little place at Croydon
+which would be a perfect billet. I will pay my first visit at once."
+
+He sauntered away, proclaiming in song the satisfactory condition of
+rose-culture in Picardy.
+
+Yesterday he came back.
+
+His face was grim. There was a light in his eye which I did not like.
+He made no mention of roses blooming in Picardy or anywhere else.
+
+"How is the scheme working?" I asked. "Have you called on the Croydon
+gentleman?"
+
+"I have," he answered; "and when I had laid the blessed ground-bait,
+as you call it, he told me he always did think there was a ghost about
+the place, and he was delighted to have his theory confirmed. He wants
+more details now. He invites me to furnish evidence. What for, you
+ask? Well, you see, he happens to be an active member of the Society
+for Psychical Research."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Polite Stranger (during the busy hour on the
+Underground_). "WON'T YOU SHARE MY HANDLE, MADAM?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SILLY SEASONING.
+
+The strange case of the halibut and the cormorant, recently reported
+in the daily Press, has brought us a budget of interesting letters,
+from which we select the following as agreeable evidence of the return
+of normal conditions in the fish-story-telling industry:--
+
+_Gullane, N.B._
+
+    Dear Sir,--One of the most striking results of the War has been
+    its effect on the mentality of birds and animals and even fishes.
+    The papers have lately contained accounts of a halibut which
+    swallowed a cormorant and survived the exploit only to fall a
+    victim to the wiles of a North Sea fisherman. As the cormorant
+    is generally regarded to be the _dernier cri_ in voracity, the
+    incident illustrates the old saying of the biter bit. As a rule
+    birds of prey have the upper hand in their contests with the
+    finny denizens of the deep. But the triumph of the halibut is not
+    altogether unprecedented. I remember, when I was cruising in the
+    China Seas in the year 1854, witnessing a combat between a dolphin
+    and a Bombay duck, in which the latter came off second-best. And
+    some thirty years later, during a yachting excursion off the
+    Scilly Isles, I saw an even more remarkable duel between a
+    porbeagle--as the Cornish people call the mackerel-shark--and a
+    pipit, in which, strange to relate, the bird came off victorious.
+
+    Believe me to be, Sir,
+
+    Yours truthfully,
+
+    CONSTANTINE PHIBSON.
+
+
+    _Tara, Diddlebury_.
+
+    DEAR SIR,--When I was an undergraduate at Cambridge in the
+    'sixties a "Limerick" was current which began as follows:--
+
+      "There was an adventurous sole
+      Which swallowed an albatross whole."
+
+    Unfortunately I cannot remember the conclusion of the stanza, nor
+    am I able to state whether it was founded on fact or was merely an
+    ebullition of lyrical fancy. In the latter case the lines are
+    a striking instance of the prophetic power of minstrelsy, and
+    justify the use of the word "_vates_," or seer, as applied to
+    poets by the ancient Romans.
+
+    I have the honour to be, Sir,
+
+    Yours faithfully,
+
+    SEPTIMUS BOWLONG.
+
+
+    _Rougemont Villa, Crookhaven._
+
+    DEAR SIR,--The halibut-cormorant episode has attracted undue
+    attention, since many similar but far more extraordinary incidents
+    have occurred during the War, but have passed unrecorded owing
+    to the claims of Bellona. I will confine myself to one which was
+    witnessed by my daughter Anna in course of bathing at Sheringham
+    in August, 1917. While swimming underwater she collided with a
+    middle-sized sea-serpent, which was evidently in difficulties and
+    made its way to the beach, where it expired. The post-mortem,
+    which was conducted by Professor Darcy Johnson, F.R.S., revealed
+    that the serpent had been choked by a gigantic gooseberry, which
+    had formed part of the cargo of a Greenland tramp torpedoed by an
+    enemy submarine. The serpent was actually being stuffed when a
+    bomb dropped by a Zeppelin blew it into infinitesimal smithereens,
+    to the profound disappointment of the Professor and my daughter
+    Anna, who has never been quite the same woman since. Permit me to
+    subscribe myself
+
+    Yours faithfully,
+
+    ALEXANDER NIAS.
+
+
+    _Steep Hill, Cramlington._
+
+    DEAR SIR,--There is nothing surprising in the story of a halibut
+    devouring a cormorant. As you will see from consulting _Murray_,
+    halibut means "holy-butt" (or flat-fish), and holy fishes are
+    possessed of magical powers. When I lived on the coast of Florida
+    I had a tame tarpon, which could swallow anything--croquet balls,
+    door scrapers--and once ate an entire cottage pianoforte in
+    half-an-hour. Here I may add that in my travels in Turkestan I was
+    attacked by a boa-constrictor, and, though I escaped with my life,
+    it proceeded to swallow the Bactrian camel on which I was riding.
+    On the following day, however, when the boa was still in a
+    comatose condition, I killed it with a boomerang, rescued the
+    camel and continued my journey without further mishap.
+
+    I am, Sir, Yours veraciously,
+
+    ANDREW MERRIMAN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady Driver (just joined)_. "OH, SERGEANT, I HOPE I
+SHAN'T UPSET MY FIRST PASSENGER!"
+
+_Sergeant (A.S.C., M.T.)._ "PASSENGER, MISS! DON'T LET THAT WORRY YOU.
+PLENTY MORE PASSENGERS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SIX-HOUR DAY.
+
+AN ANTICIPATION.
+
+    ["If the husband's hours are reduced to six that gives the wife a
+    chance. The home and the children are as much his as hers. With
+    his enlarged leisure he will now be able to take a fair share in
+    home duties."
+
+    _Mrs. WILL CROOKS_.]
+
+  Jock Mackay was a lusty soul;
+  He earned his livelihood winning coal;
+  Black with grime, all huddled and bent,
+  A third of his life in the pit he spent;
+  A third he slept and a third he slacked
+  Training the whippet his fancy backed,
+  Or talking strikes with a fervent zest
+  In the bar of the neighbouring "Miners' Rest."
+
+  Jean Mackay was his wife; her day
+  Started or ever the dawn was grey;
+  She lit the fire, she shook the mats,
+  She frizzled the bacon and dressed the brats,
+  She darned and mended, she made the beds,
+  She combed the tugs in the tousled heads,
+  She knitted the socks, she washed and baked
+  Till every bone in her body ached;
+  She toiled and moiled in a non-stop fight
+  From six in the morning till ten at night.
+
+  But there dawned a day when Jock Mackay
+  Came home from the mine with a dancing eye
+  And a laugh in his heart, and he cried out, "Jean,
+  'Tis the grandest day that the warl' has seen!
+  The lads are a' cheerin' and rinnin' fey,
+  For the Government's gien us the sax-hour day."
+
+  Jean stopped scrubbing. "Is't true?" said she;
+  "I wish ye luck. But bide a wee.
+  Noo that the battle is owre an' done,
+  What will ye dae wi' the hours ye've won?"
+
+  "What will I dae wi' them? What I like.
+  I'll tak' a bit turn wi' my wee bit tyke,
+  Or call for a crack wi' the lads at the "Rest,"
+  And mebbe I micht tak' a drap, if pressed."
+
+  "That's a' vera weel, but bide a bit.
+  Ye work sax hours a day in your pit,
+  But I'd hae ye to bear in mind," said Jean,
+  "While ye work sax I work saxteen."
+
+  Jock scratched his head. "Ay, lass, that's sae.
+  Aweel, an' what would ye hae me dae?"
+
+  "Fair does," she answered; "it's only fair
+  That ye should be takin' your ain just share,
+  An' help me in keepin' the hame for a spell
+  In the extry hours that ye've got to yoursel',
+  Sae, while I'm scrubbin' the floor," she said,
+  "Ye micht be pittin' the bairns tae bed."
+  Jock laughed. "I doot there's somethin' in it;
+  I'll stairt on my duties this verra minute."
+
+  A week went by: Jock learnt to scrub,
+  He gave the bairns their Saturday tub,
+  He made the beds, he blacked the grates,
+  He washed up saucers and cups and plates,
+  He cleaned and polished, he boiled and baked
+  Till every bone in his body ached.
+
+  Around the neighbourhood rumour flew;
+  Soon every wife in the village knew
+  That Jock, when his spell in the pit was done,
+  Was cook, nurse, parlourmaid rolled into one;
+  And every wife she vowed that her man
+  Should be trained on the same super-excellent plan.
+         *       *       *       *       *
+  Behold these lusty miners all
+  Fettered fast in domestic thrall,
+  Scrubbing, rubbing, baking bread,
+  Busy with scissors and needle and thread,
+  Spreading the brats their bread and jam,
+  Trundling them out in the morning pram,
+  Washing their pinafores clean and white
+  And tucking them up in their cots at night.
+         *       *       *       *       *
+  Ask me not--for I cannot tell,
+  I can only guess--how the end befell:
+  A wifely word, an angry scowl,
+  A bit of a grumble, a bit of a growl,
+  A scolding here, a squabbling there,
+  And here the sound of an ugly swear,
+  A cry of despair from the sore opprest,
+  A secret call to the "Miners' Rest,"
+  A sudden revolt from the brooms and mats,
+  And a roar from a thousand throats--"Down brats!"
+         *       *       *       *       *
+  "What--striking again?" you cry, aghast.
+  Nay, friend, cheer up, for the worst is past;
+  A glint of blue may be seen through the grey--
+  _They are asking again for an eight-hour day_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DISCIPLINARIAN.
+
+Saluting is rapidly becoming a thing of the past, even among
+British-born soldiers. Dating from the Armistice, it has lapsed more
+and more, until now it is practically extinct.
+
+Now I regard this as serious. I have ever been a stickler for
+discipline, and consequently I dislike it when men pass by--not, like
+the Levite, on the other side--but close to me without so much as a
+click of the eyeballs.
+
+So I decided that I as a disciplinarian would make a stand against it;
+I would keep my eyes open for any particularly flagrant case. When I
+found it I intended to let myself go. I promised myself an agreeable
+ten minutes--or longer, if I got properly worked up.
+
+My chance came the other day. I was strolling down Regent Street when
+three N.C.O.'s, including a sergeant, passed me. They did not salute.
+I might have been a civilian for all the notice they took of me. Ha!
+my hour had come.
+
+Turning, I hastened after them.
+
+"Sergeant, a word."
+
+They stopped and the Sergeant asked if I was speaking to him.
+
+"Have you ever heard of the little word 'Sir,' Sergeant?" I asked
+severely. "Evidently not. However I pass over that. But a moment ago
+you went by me without saluting. Deliberately--inexcusably. I was as
+close to you as I am now."
+
+"But how--" began the Sergeant.
+
+"Not a word," I cut him short. "Not a word. You know perfectly well
+that you have neglected your duty grossly. Now tell me. Is it your own
+idea to drop saluting, or has Mr. CHURCHILL had a word in your ear?"
+(Sarcasm is my strong point.)
+
+"But look here--" said the Sergeant, rather red in the face.
+
+"Do not interrupt," I thundered, warming to my work. "How, I ask,
+do you expect the ordinary soldier to salute when _you_ slink past
+officers--you, who ought to be a shining example? Now I am going to
+report--"
+
+Something in the Sergeant's eye, which seemed to be travelling over my
+person generally, made me suddenly glance down at myself, and it was
+then that, horror-struck, I realised that I was wearing for the first
+time my new ten-guinea suit.
+
+As I faded away the Sergeant clicked his heels and saluted smartly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE STRUGGLE FOR LIFE.
+
+    "Lady will exchange clothing, self, little girl, for farm butter,
+    eggs, jam."--_The Lady_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Infuriated Italian (who has recently purchased a
+British Army horse)._ "FAIR WORDS DID I SPEAK HIM, SAYING, 'PEDRO,
+AVANTI PIANISSIMO,' AND--BEHOLD!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_
+
+_Within The Rim_ (COLLINS) is, I suppose, the last of the posthumous
+volumes of Mr. HENRY JAMES. It is a short book, produced with the
+beauty that I have already grown to associate with the imprint of its
+publishers, and containing five occasional pieces. Of these the first,
+which gives its title to the whole, is the most considerable: an essay
+of very moving poignancy, telling the emotion of the writer during
+the earliest months of the War, in "the most beautiful English summer
+conceivable," months that he "was to spend so much of in looking over
+from the old rampart of a little high-perched Sussex town at the
+bright blue streak of the Channel ... and staring at the bright mystery
+beyond the rim of the farthest opaline reach." In the thoughts to
+which HENRY JAMES here gives expression one may find much of the love
+and sympathy for this country that subsequently led to that assumption
+of British citizenship which he intended as their demonstration to the
+world. Of interest also in this same paper is the revelation of a mind
+that knew already by a personal experience (of the American Civil War)
+"what immensities our affair would carry in its bosom--a knowledge
+that flattered me by its hint of immunity from illusion." I would not
+be understood that this is a volume for the casual reader, or even for
+one desirous of making a first acquaintance with the Master, since
+much of it exemplifies not only the beauty but the perplexities of
+his later style; but it is certainly one which his disciples will not
+willingly be without.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Notebooks of a Spinster Lady_ (CASSELL) is smallish talk about
+biggish wigs of the Victorian era, but not on that sole account to be
+condemned. Perhaps rather wholesome as showing how little distant we
+are from an age of government of the people by superior people for
+superior people. The notebooks cover the years 1878-1903, but the
+anecdotes have a much wider range, are often indeed of a venerable
+antiquity. The lady of the notebooks was not, I fancy, of a critical
+temper, and versions not too credible of well-known _contes_ figure in
+her quiet kindly pages. There are moreover stories which I should not
+hesitate to describe as of an appalling banality if they were not
+concerned with such very nice people. On the whole I don't think it
+quite fair to the spinster lady to have published her notes. They may
+well have been painstaking jottings to provide material for polite
+conversation and have sounded much better than they read in cold
+print. For myself the real heroine of the book is _Maria_, the poet's
+wife, who, on being waked and adjured by her spouse to get up and
+strike a light for that he had just thought of a good word, replied
+in un-Victorian mood, "Get up yourself! I have just thought of a bad
+one."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Love--on Leave_ (PEARSON) is the sufficiently expressive title that
+Miss JESSIE POPE has chosen for a small book of little courtship
+tales. You never saw a volume of its size, more packed with love,
+which is shown leaping walls, laughing at locksmiths and generally
+making the world go round in its proverbial fashion. The pace of the
+revolutions may be found a little disconcerting. You will perhaps be
+inclined to amend the title and call the collection "Love on _Short_
+Leave," to mark the regularity with which the respective heroes and
+heroines fall into each others' arms at the end of every dozen pages
+or so. As a matter of fact, the incident that is to my mind the best
+of the bunch is an exception to this rule of osculation--a happily
+imagined little comedy of a young wife who thought to avoid the visit
+of a tiresome sister-in-law by betaking herself for the night to
+the branches of a spreading beech. Whether in actual life this is a
+probable course of conduct need not exercise your mind; at least not
+enough to prevent your enjoyment of her arboreal adventure, which
+comes, as I say, with the more freshness as a break in what might else
+be a surfeit of proposals. In effect, a gallant little florin's
+worth of _fiançailles_; though, if you wish to avoid feeling like a
+matrimonial agency, you will be well-advised to take it by instalments
+rather than in bulk.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Among the pacific warriors in the great 1914-18 struggle there is
+probably none who did better work, often under conditions of the
+gravest peril, than Mr. G.M. TREVELYAN for the Red Cross in Italy.
+Disqualified both by age and health from joining the army of attack,
+he threw himself into the task--a labour of love--of tending the
+sick and wounded of that country which he knows so well and of whose
+greatest modern hero he is the classic biographer. That the eulogist
+of GARIBALDI should hasten to the succour of Italian soldiers was
+fitting, and how well he performed the task the records of the Villa
+Trenta Hospital, near Udine, and of the ambulance drivers under his
+command, abundantly tell. The story of this beneficent campaign and of
+much besides is told with too much modesty by Mr. TREVELYAN himself,
+in a book entitled _Scenes from Italy's War_ (JACK), which gives a
+series of the vividest impressions of the Italian effort, and is
+remarkable for the best analysis that I have yet seen of the causes
+that led to the disaster of Caporetto. The pages in which Mr.
+TREVELYAN paints the portrait of a typical Italian soldier, home sick
+and perplexed, are likely to be borrowed by many more pretentious
+historians of the War for years to come.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. JOHN HARGRAVE, the author and illustrator of _The Great War Brings
+It Home_ (CONSTABLE) has already a wide reputation in the world
+of Scouts, gained not only by his enthusiasm but by his profound
+knowledge of scout-craft. Here he tells us very plainly that the War
+has brought home to us the fact that, if we are to make good our
+losses in the ranks of the young and the fit, we have got to give our
+children a better chance of living healthy, wholesome lives. He urges
+the need of more outdoor education and as many open-air camps as
+possible, and shows that, if we are to carry out such a scheme as he
+lays in detail before us, scoutmasters and still more scoutmasters are
+wanted. With reason he complains that none of these good fellows is
+paid one halfpenny, and that nearly all of them are young men who have
+to get a living. "Offer them," he says, "a living wage and how gladly
+would they become national scoutmasters in charge of national camps."
+You may, if you are on the look-out for it, find much that will seem
+fantastic in Mr. HARGRAVE'S ideas; his appeal, however, is not to
+those of us who, even in a case of great national urgency, cannot get
+away from the tyranny of convention. Intrinsically his idea is sound,
+and I plead with all my heart for a fair consideration of his schemes
+and for help in their development.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. REX BEACH is one of the few prolific writers whose stories
+increase in power as they increase in number, and this though they are
+essentially novels of action rather than novels of thought. Of his
+latest effort, _The Winds of Chance_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), one may
+say that there is not a tedious page in it. The scene is laid in
+Yukon, a very vortex of life and colour and excitement in fiction,
+whatever it may seem to the actual inhabitants. The true hero of the
+story, _Napoleon Doret_, the French voyageur, wins his heart's desire
+in the end and we breathe a sigh of relief. The other hero is left
+the accepted swain of the daughter of the Colonel of the North-West
+Mounted Police at Dawson, and this we find a little hard to swallow,
+seeing what shady, not to say immoral, company, male and female, he
+had just been basking in. He is a weak creature and certainly should
+have married the _Countess Courteau_, an Amazonian lady, who would
+have kept him in order. But that is to be fastidious. The story is
+crisp and vivid, and, anyway, those ancient prospectors, _Tom Linton_
+and _Jerry McQuirk_, are worth twice the money.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Punch has great pleasure in commending to his readers two volumes
+of verse--_Rhymes of the Red Ensign_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), by Miss
+C. FOX SMITH, and _The Poets in Picardy_ (MURRAY), by Major E. DE
+STEIN--in which they will recognise many poems that have appeared in
+his pages.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Master_. "BUT, JENKINS, THE NAME OF THE COMPLAINT IS
+NOT PEWMONIA. SURELY YOU'VE HEARD ME AGAIN AND AGAIN SAY 'PNEUMONIA'?"
+
+_Man_. "WELL, SIR, I 'AVE; BUT I DIDN'T LIKE TO CORRECT YOU."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO SOLVE THE FOOD PROBLEM.
+
+    "Superior Working Housekeeper and young Maid for Ladies' College.
+    No cooking; students sleep only."--_Church Times_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.
+
+    "The interesting announcement is made that a regular air service
+    for perishable goods and passengers is to be established at
+    Edinburgh."--_Scotsman_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The London season has begun with its usual extensive programme of
+    religious services in various London churches."--_Scots Paper_.
+
+The best comment that we have yet seen on this statement occurs in the
+following (also from a Scots paper):--
+
+    "The Commander-in-Chief has borne testimony on behalf of the Grand
+    Fleet to the work that the Scittish Bishops have done for the Navy
+    during the War."
+
+
+END.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Punch, Volume 156, 26 March 1919, by Various
+
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Volume 156, 26 March 1919, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Volume 156, 26 March 1919
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 25, 2004 [EBook #11284]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOLUME 156, 26 MARCH 1919 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+<h2>Vol. 156.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>March 26, 1919.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page233" id="page233"></a>[pg
+233]</span>
+<h2>CHARIVARIA</h2>
+.
+<p>WILLIAM HOHENZOLLERN is reported to be busy sawing trees. Some
+declare that his energy is due to an hallucination that they are
+German generals. Others say the whole story is a clumsy attempt to
+discredit him with the Labour party.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Dublin Corporation has decided to increase its revenue by eight
+thousand pounds by raising the charge on water. Citizens are urged
+to put patriotism before prejudice and give the stuff a trial.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The inconveniences that attend influenza reached their climax a
+few days ago when an occupant of a crowded tube train blew the nose
+of the man next to him in mistake for his own.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The beggar who has been going about telling a pitiful story of
+being wounded by a trench-mortar during the Jutland battle is now
+regarded by the police as an impostor.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A defendant in a County Court case at Liverpool last week stated
+in his evidence that he had been on the telephone for the last
+twenty years. In fairness to the Postal authorities he should have
+admitted that it was a trunk call.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href=
+"images/233.png"><img width="100%" src="images/233.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Foreman (late R.S.M.).</i> "'ERE! YOU AIN'T IN THE ARMY NOW.
+THERE'S NO CALL FOR <i>YOU</i> TO KEEP A WATCH ON THE RHINE."</p>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A lady-correspondent, writing to a daily paper, laments the fact
+that the War has changed a great many husbands. Surely the wife who
+receives the wrong husband can get some sort of redress from the
+War Office.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>All the main-line railways are to be electrified, Sir ERIC
+GEDDES told the House of Commons. Meanwhile he has successfully
+electrified all the old buffers.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A number of women are doing good work as mates on Medway sailing
+barges. The denial of the report that one of them recently looked
+at a Wapping policeman for five minutes on end without once
+repeating herself may be ascribed to professional jealousy.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"The small car," says a trade contemporary, "has come to stop."
+We can well believe it. It is an old habit.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It has been discovered that the new Education Act, which
+prohibits boys under twelve being worked for more than two hours on
+Sunday, may apply to choir-boys. A Commission, we understand, is to
+be called upon to decide finally whether they are really boys or
+just little demons.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A man who applied to the Bloomsbury County Court for relief
+against an eviction order stated that he could find no other
+suitable house, as he had nine children under fourteen years of
+age. His residential problem remains unsolved, but we understand,
+with regard to the other difficulty, that the Board of Works has
+offered to sell him a card index at considerably below cost.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Bridegrooms," says a contemporary, "are discovering that
+weddings cost more." The growing practice among fathers-in-law of
+delivering their daughters "free at rail," instead of, as formerly,
+"from house to house," may have something to do with it.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Ramsgate," says <i>The Daily Mail</i>, "is racing Margate in
+Thanet's reconstruction." At present Margate still claims to lead
+by one nigger and two winkle-barrows.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The Colorado Legislature has passed a resolution in favour of
+Irish independence. The remark attributed to Mr. A.J. BALFOUR, that
+he always thought Colorado was the name of a twopenny cigar, has
+failed to make the situation easier.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"A pupil at a West London 'out-of-work' school," says a news
+item, "daily attends his studies in an opera-hat." On being
+informed of this fact, Sir THOMAS BEECHAM is reported to have
+expressed the opinion that its significance was obvious.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>President WILSON, it is announced, hopes to visit Scotland
+shortly for some golf. He believes that some adjustment of the
+dispute as to the respective merits of the running-up and
+pitch-and-stop methods of approach should be embodied in the Peace
+terms if international harmony is to be really secured.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Primroses and crocuses are blooming in North London. Pending an
+official announcement by <i>The Daily Mail</i> people are requested
+to accept this as a preliminary Spring.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Concrete ships, says a Government official, can be made in
+moulds. But of course you must not forget to grease the tin.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Sinn Feiner, arriving home in Crossgar, Co. Down, last week,
+had a very hearty welcome. Thirteen spectators and seven policemen
+were injured.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Many members of the Bar are greatly afraid that some learned
+judge will ask, "What is the Jazz-step?" before the question has
+really been settled by the dancers themselves.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The young lady who, on receiving a proposal of marriage over the
+telephone last week, replied, "Yes, who's speaking?" turns out to
+be an ex-typist recently demobilised from the Air Ministry.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It is interesting to note that to-day is the anniversary of the
+day that was not a Flag-day last year.</p>
+<hr />
+<h4>Another Sex-Problem.</h4>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Information Wanted as to the whereabouts of James
+&mdash;&mdash; (n&eacute;e Liza &mdash;&mdash;), ship agent. Last
+heard of 30 years ago."&mdash;<i>Glasgow Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page234" id="page234"></a>[pg
+234]</span>
+<h2>THE PRELIMINARY DOVE: ITS PROSPECTS.</h2>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Within a little week or two,</p>
+<p class="i2">So all our sanguine prints declare,</p>
+<p>The Dove (or Bird of Peace) is due</p>
+<p class="i2">To spread its wings and take the air,</p>
+<p class="i4">Like Mr. THOMAS when he flew</p>
+<p class="i4">Across the firmamental blue</p>
+<p class="i4">To join the PREMIER in communion</p>
+<p class="i4">Touching the Railway Workers' Union.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>We've waited many a weary week</p>
+<p class="i2">With bulging eyes and fevered brow,</p>
+<p>While WILSON pressed upon its beak</p>
+<p class="i2">His League-of-Nations' olive bough,</p>
+<p class="i4">Wondering what amount of weight</p>
+<p class="i4">Its efforts could negotiate,</p>
+<p class="i4">How much, in fact, the bird would stand</p>
+<p class="i4">Without collapsing on the land.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>And, even though it should contrive</p>
+<p class="i2">To keep its pinions on the flap,</p>
+<p>And by a <i>tour de force</i> survive</p>
+<p class="i2">This devastating handicap,</p>
+<p class="i4">Yet are there perils in the skies</p>
+<p class="i4">Whereon we blandly shut our eyes,</p>
+<p class="i4">But which are bound to be incurred,</p>
+<p class="i4">And, notably, the Bolshy-bird.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>This brand of vulture, most obscene,</p>
+<p class="i2">May have designs upon the Dove;</p>
+<p>Its carrion taste was never keen</p>
+<p class="i2">On the Millennial reign of Love;</p>
+<p class="i4">And I, for one, am stiff with fear</p>
+<p class="i4">About our little friend's career,</p>
+<p class="i4">Lest that disgusting fowl should maul</p>
+<p class="i4">And eat it, olive-branch and all.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>I mention this to mark the quaint</p>
+<p class="i2">Notion of "Peace" the public has,</p>
+<p>That wants to smear the Town with paint,</p>
+<p class="i2">To whoop and jubilate and jazz;</p>
+<p class="i4">And while our flappers beat the floor</p>
+<p class="i4">There's Russia soaked in seas of gore,</p>
+<p class="i4">And LENIN waxing beastly fat;</p>
+<p class="i4">Nobody seems to think of that.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>O.S.</p>
+<hr />
+<h2>PERFECTLY UNAUTHENTIC ANECDOTES.</h2>
+<p><i>which may be reproduced (with the permission of Mr. Punch) in
+any forthcoming volume of Anybody's Reminiscences</i>.</p>
+<p>"You do things so sketchily and casually," said FRITH to
+WHISTLER one day. "Now when I paint a picture I take pains. 'The
+Derby Day' cost me weeks and months of sleeplessness. I did nothing
+else; I gave my whole mind to it." "Oh," said WHISTLER, "that's
+where it's gone to, is it?"</p>
+<hr />
+<p>When Mr. BERNARD SHAW made his tour of the ports in order to
+popularise Socialism in the Navy, he was courteously received at
+Portsmouth by Sir HEDWORTH MEUX. The talk happened to turn on the
+theatre, and the Admiral was candid enough to confess himself
+somewhat at sea with regard to the merits of contemporary writers.
+"Now, Mr. SHAW," he said in his breezy way, "I wish you would tell
+me who is the most eminent of the playwrights of to-day?" "Ay, ay,
+Sir," said Mr. SHAW promptly.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>Dr. Brotherton told me that he was once with MATTHEW ARNOLD in
+an election crowd at Oxford, when the Professor of Poetry
+accidentally collided with a working-man flown with Radicalism and
+beer. "Go to blazes!" said the proletarian. "My friend," replied
+ARNOLD, "we are well met. In me you see the official representative
+of Literature, whereas you, I perceive, stand for Dogma."</p>
+<hr />
+<p>Mrs. Brown of Newquay, who claims to be the original <i>Mrs.
+Partington</i>, told me that SYDNEY SMITH'S last years were
+overclouded by his inability to discover the riddle to which the
+answer is contained in the words, "The one rode a horse and the
+other rode a dendron."</p>
+<hr />
+<p>Probably few people remember a Nottinghamshire poet of an
+earlier day who fulfilled with much conscientiousness the duties of
+local laureate. It was the age of Notts's pre-eminence in cricket,
+and that, with other reasons, inspired the bard to write some
+verses which opened with the line, "Is there a county to compare
+with Notts?" The county of Derby was jealous of its neighbour in
+other things besides sport, and considered itself to have scored
+when its own tame minstrel retorted with a parody
+ending:&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">"Is there a county to compare with Notts?</p>
+<p class="i30">Lots!"</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>Unfortunately the thing was catching, and other counties did
+their best to follow suit, though with considerable difficulty as
+to rhymes. I think it was a singer of Tavistock who won the
+laurels. After disposing of an adjacent rival with the contemptuous
+jingle, "Dorset&mdash;Curse it!" he wound up:&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>"Is there a country to compare with Devon?</p>
+<p class="i30">Heaven!"</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<p>Lady Crownderby once told me that she was among the first to see
+Lord HOUGHTON on his return from Spain, and she asked him what he
+thought of Spanish women in comparison with those of our own
+country. "My dear lady," replied HOUGHTON, "I feel like LOT when he
+escaped from the Cities of the Plain."</p>
+<hr />
+<p>At a dinner given in honour of her nephew's appointment to a
+Rural Deanery, Mrs. Hinkson-Hanksey told me that she once rallied
+DISRAELI on his lack of religious profession, saying how much it
+compromised him in the eyes of many of his fellow-countrymen in
+comparison with his great rival. "My dear lady," said DISRAELI,
+"you are aware that the New Testament divides all men into two
+categories. Without specifying the class to which I personally
+belong, I am quite willing to admit that Mr. GLADSTONE is a sheep
+and possesses many of the characteristics of that admirable
+animal."</p>
+<hr />
+<p>When I was at Hawarden in the summer of 1893, little DOROTHY
+DREW asked her grandfather for the loan of a book "to press flowers
+in." It is a process, as readers may know, not good for the book,
+and I thought the illustrious statesman and bibliophile looked a
+little embarrassed. But his face cleared in a moment, and he went
+out of the room and presently returned with a sufficient volume, in
+which the flowers were duly laid, the book being then, with the
+united efforts of the company, subjected to the necessary pressure
+under a heavy cabinet. Anxious to know which volume of his beloved
+library Mr. GLADSTONE had selected for desecration, I took an early
+opportunity of furtively examining the title of the tortured tome.
+It was <i>Coningsby</i>.</p>
+<hr />
+<h4>Another Impending Apology.</h4>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Councillor &mdash;&mdash;'s son will be married to the eldest
+daughter of Councillor &mdash;&mdash;. The members of the
+Corporation are invited to the suspicious event."&mdash;<i>Local
+Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page235" id="page235"></a>[pg
+235]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/235.png"><img width="100%" src="images/235.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>THE DISTRACTIONS OF AN INDISPENSABLE.</h3>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page236" id="page236"></a>[pg
+236]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/236.png"><img width="100%" src="images/236.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Sergeant</i>. "NOW, ME LAD, A SUIT OF MUFTI OR FORTY-FIVE
+SHILLINGS?"&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Tommy</i>. "OO, LUMME! I'LL PAY THE
+FINE."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>GALLERY PLAY.</h2>
+<p>It wasn't till Panmore noticed its absence on his return from
+France that I remembered the little oil painting which I had left
+at the Ferndale Gallery on sale or return, during the early days of
+the War, when my financial outlook was bad.</p>
+<p>Panmore said he had always wanted to buy it, but hadn't liked to
+ask me if I would part with it. I assured him that excess even of
+delicacy was a mistake and that I would try to get the picture
+back.</p>
+<p>So I wrote to the Gallery thus:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>DEAR SIRS (it seemed absurd to write "Dear Gallery"),&mdash;In
+1914 or 1915 I brought you a small oil painting, which you agreed
+to sell or return to me. As I haven't heard from you since, I
+conclude that there has been nothing doing in such pictures and I
+should like to have it back. The picture is quite a small one,
+about the size of an ordinary book, and so far as I recollect it
+portrays a man looking at a horse, to see if its withers stand
+where they did; or perhaps wondering whether he would sell it and
+buy a scooter. As a matter of fact I never took particular notice
+of the picture, not caring for it, but a friend of mine who knows
+it well appears interested in it and wants to buy it. So please let
+me have it back as soon as possible.</p>
+<p>Yours faithfully,</p>
+<p>THEOPHILUS B. PIPER-CARY.</p>
+<p>P.S.&mdash;By the way, there's a cow, I remember, in the
+background; a red one. Not a red background; a red cow.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>This was the answer I received:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>DEAR SIR,&mdash;In reply to yours of the 13th inst., we remember
+your visit, but cannot trace having such a picture as you describe
+in our possession at present. We believe you dealt with our Mr.
+James Langford, who joined up in May, 1915, and is not yet
+demobilised. He is in Egypt at the moment, we understand, and we
+are afraid it would take some time to get into communication with
+him.</p>
+<p>We shall be glad if under the circumstances you will allow the
+matter to rest until his return.</p>
+<p>In any case we are afraid we cannot hold ourselves responsible
+for the picture, unless you can produce a receipt from us proving
+that it reached us.</p>
+<p>We are, Yours obediently,</p>
+<p><i>pp</i>. THE FERNDALE GALLERY.</p>
+<p>J.S.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>The last paragraph in their letter gave me the impression that
+they knew they had the picture but had mislaid it. Meanwhile
+Panmore seemed so hot on it and I was so badly hit by the War that
+I thought I would have another shot at recovering it. So I
+addressed the Gallery as follows:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>DEAR SIRS,&mdash;Thanks for your letter, and in reply I should
+be obliged if you could get another search party out. I have found
+a receipt for the picture, signed with a name that might, if
+straightened out, be James Langford.</p>
+<p>My friend is getting quite excited about it, and he is the sort
+of person one wants to humour. He is a Lieut.-Colonel, an O.B.E.,
+and, what is more important still, one of the feoffees of Buckley's
+Hospital (a fifteenth-century foundation here), and whatever a
+feoffee <span class="pagenum"><a name="page237" id=
+"page237"></a>[pg 237]</span> may be he is not the kind of man to
+toy with in a small town like this.</p>
+<p>I forgot to mention that there is an inn on the left of the
+picture, and a girl coming out of it carrying, perhaps, a bran-mash
+for the horse or some Government dope for the man, and there are
+some hens, all fully regardant and expectant, at her feet.</p>
+<p>Hoping to hear in the course of a post or two that you have
+found the painting,</p>
+<p>I am, Yours anxiously,</p>
+<p>THEOPHILUS B. PIPER-CARY.</p>
+<p>P.S.&mdash;Don't forget there's a cow in the background; a red
+cow.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Three days later I received a picture (not mine) from the
+Gallery with this letter:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>DEAR SIR,&mdash;After a most exhaustive search we have found and
+send herewith what we believe to be your picture, though it does
+not quite answer to your description. It is, however, the only one
+of which we do not appear to have any record.</p>
+<p>Our Mr. Langford seems likely to be abroad for some months, so
+unless you will accept this picture in settlement of the matter we
+do not see any present way out of the difficulty.</p>
+<p>Confident that, if it is not yours, it is at least just as good,
+we trust that you will agree to cry quits.</p>
+<p>We are, Yours obediently,</p>
+<p><i>pp.</i> THE FERNDALE GALLERY.</p>
+<p>J.S.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Why they should feel sure it was just as good, unless they
+remembered my picture, wasn't very clear, but evidently the receipt
+had put the wind up them, and I wrote and accepted the substitute
+at once, because Panmore liked it better even than the original
+picture. He said it was an Alken and gave me far more than I would
+have thought of asking for it, or for the original one.</p>
+<p>About a week after selling it I received this wire from the
+Gallery:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>Please return painting sent in error. Very valuable Alken. Have
+customer.</p>
+<p>FERNDALE.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>"Diamond cut diamond," I said to myself. And I replied
+thus:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>DEAR SIRS,&mdash;I received your wire, but regret that I cannot
+comply with your request. Firstly, because I have already accepted
+the picture which you regarded as mine or its equivalent, in place
+of the one that was mine and is now yours; and, secondly, because
+my friend the feoffee has already bought it, the one that was yours
+and is now mine, or rather his (you know what I mean, don't you?),
+and I haven't the heart to ask him to return it.</p>
+<p>Perhaps yours (the one that is now yours and was mine before),
+being the equivalent of the one that was yours and is now mine (or
+rather the feoffee's), would suit your client. I can only suggest
+your having another look for it; the matter so far as I am
+concerned is at an end. Yours faithfully,</p>
+<p>THEOPHILUS B. PIPER-CARY.</p>
+<p>P.S.&mdash;You'll know it when you find it. There's a red cow in
+the background.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Sentence of Mike Ancon, found guilty of housekeeping, was
+postponed yesterday afternoon."&mdash;<i>Manitoba Free
+Press.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>This species of crime is almost extinct in England.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href=
+"images/237.png"><img width="100%" src="images/237.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>THE "HESITATION" WALTZ.</h3>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h4>The Rising Egg.</h4>
+<p>Whatever may be the decline in the price of eggs their social
+movement is clearly upwards. The following passage from <i>The
+Croydon Advertiser</i> gives an admirable life-history of the egg,
+from shell to profit-sharing:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Eggs will be dated and graded and sold accordingly, and as soon
+as they have done laying fattened for table purposes, also young
+cockerels. They will be killed and plucked, and the feathers will
+be sorted and sold in the best markets. So you see they will
+receive full market price for their produce; then if they are
+shareholders they will receive a further profit in the difference
+between the cost and the selling, also the very big amounts
+received for the skins and the feathers."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page238" id="page238"></a>[pg
+238]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/238.png"><img width="100%" src="images/238.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL.</h3>
+<p><i>Oldest Inhabitant.</i> "I NEVER EXPECTED TO LIVE TILL THE END
+OF THE WAR, MA'AM; BUT NOW I'M HOPING TO BE SPARED TO SEE THE
+BEGINNING OF THE NEXT ONE."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>CHOICE BOOKS OF THE WEEK.</h3>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p class="center">THE NEW PARIS SKETCH-BOOK;<br />
+OR, THE FIRST FIFTY THOUSAND.<br />
+<br />
+By GLADYS FLAPPERTON, O.B.E.,<br />
+Author of <i>Peace and Plenty of It.</i></p>
+<p>This charming volume describes in detail the delightful Parisian
+holiday which has been provided by the Government under the best
+possible conditions for young ladies with (and without) a knowledge
+of typewriting.</p>
+<hr />
+<p class="center"><i>TIGER LILY,<br />
+A POEM IN FOURTEEN SPASMS.</i><br />
+<br />
+By WOODROW WILSON.<br />
+<br />
+Affectionately dedicated to M. CLEMENCEAU.</p>
+<hr />
+<p class="center">THE HISTORY OF FREDERICK THE GREAT.<br />
+<br />
+BY HAROLD SMITH, M.P.<br />
+<br />
+("England's Harold.")<br />
+<br />
+With an Introduction by the<br />
+LORD CHANCELLOR.</p>
+<hr />
+<p class="center">O SMILLIE, WE HAVE MISSED YOU,<br />
+AND OTHER LYRICS.<br />
+<br />
+Highly recommended by Messrs. MUDIE and<br />
+SANKEY (the Author).<br />
+<br />
+Copies of this beautiful work have been<br />
+accepted by several mining royalties.</p>
+<hr />
+<p class="center">THE GEDDES BIOGRAPHICAL DICTIONARY.<br />
+<br />
+Publication of the Second Volume (AUC&mdash;ERIC).</p>
+<p>It is hoped to complete in twelve handsome volumes this the
+first attempt to record and codify the achievements and services of
+the GEDDES family in the Great War.</p>
+<hr />
+<p class="center">WASTEWARD HO!<br />
+<br />
+A ROMANCE OF CIPPENHAM.<br />
+<br />
+With an Introductory Apologia by<br />
+Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE NEXT WAR.</h3>
+<blockquote class="note">
+<p>["As the result of a conference called by the War Office it has
+been decided to wage a war of annihilation against the warble-fly.
+It is hoped that by means of concerted action through the country
+this pestilent insect, so injurious to the hides of horses and
+cattle, may be completely stamped out."&mdash;<i>Daily
+Paper.</i>]</p>
+</blockquote>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>The warble-fly, the warble-fly</p>
+<p>Is absolutely doomed to die.</p>
+<p>They've summoned all the General Staff,</p>
+<p>There's going to be a mighty "strafe,"</p>
+<p>And soon the land from shore to shore</p>
+<p>Will echo with the din of war,</p>
+<p>As arm&eacute;d hosts with martial cries</p>
+<p>Descend upon the warble-flies.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>We've got the shells, we've got the guns</p>
+<p>(The same that overwhelmed the Huns),</p>
+<p>And, what is more, we've got the Man;</p>
+<p>With WINSTON riding in the van</p>
+<p>I do not think there's any doubt</p>
+<p>That we shall put the foe to rout,</p>
+<p>And, scorning peace by compromise,</p>
+<p>Annihilate the warble-flies.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>In tranquil peace the gentle beeves</p>
+<p>Shall chew their cud through summer eves;</p>
+<p>No more shall that alarming warble</p>
+<p>Affright the calm of heifer or bull,</p>
+<p>And send them snorting round the croft</p>
+<p>With eyes of fear and tails aloft.</p>
+<p>Till every warble-fly be floored</p>
+<p>Whitehall will <i>never</i> sheathe the sword.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h4>The Growth of Impropriety.</h4>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Her hair is always exquisitely dressed, and her shoes in
+perfect shape. No more in the way of dress is required of any
+woman."</p>
+<p><i>Daily Mirror.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"PROPOSED IMPROVEMENT OF A DANGEROUS CORONER."<br />
+<i>Headline in Provincial Paper.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>The best plan, possibly, would be to get the jury to sit on
+him.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page239" id="page239"></a>[pg
+239]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/239.png"><img width="100%" src="images/239.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>NEWSPAPER HEADINGS POPULARLY ILLUSTRATED.</h3>
+"INFLUENZA MICROBE DISCOVERED AT A LONDON HOSPITAL."</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>MRS. BLOGGINS'S STATEMENT.</h2>
+<p>It is not too much to say that bed-making circles in Cambridge
+have been agitated to their utmost depths by the recent advent of
+some hundreds of American youths who have come to pursue certain
+courses of study within the University walls. Let us make one thing
+perfectly clear. Bed-makers do not object to Americans as
+Americans, but this avalanche of Transatlantics arrives on the very
+eve of the vacation, just when the bed-makers are packing off the
+contingent of young Naval officers who have been making things hum
+during the past term.</p>
+<p>Persuaded that their too-brief holidays will be entirely
+absorbed in attending to the Americans, the bed-makers urge with
+some justice that they too are entitled to enjoy the beautiful
+things of this enchanting world quite as much as miners and
+railway-men. We understand that meetings of their Association are
+being held, and that the University authorities are faced by a
+situation which is rapidly passing beyond their control. Bed-makers
+are amongst the most loyal members of the community, but they feel,
+as a prominent member of the profession put it, that "the last
+camel breaks the straw's back," and they are determined to uphold
+their immemorial rights.</p>
+<p>We have thought it our duty therefore to interview the
+celebrated Mrs. Bloggins, the <i>doyenne</i> of the Corps of
+Bed-makers of Trinity College. We found the lady in her home in
+Paradise Walk, where she was engaged in eating some excellent
+buttered toast. We lost no time in explaining the purport of our
+visit.</p>
+<p>"We desire to know, Mrs. Bloggins," we began, "what your
+feelings are with regard to the Americans."</p>
+<p>"Ah," said Mrs. Bloggins, speaking with deep emotion, "you may
+well call 'em Americans, for I've never bin so troubled about
+anythink before. Some people seem to git the notion into their
+'eads that bed-makers do no work. Why we're arst to slave from
+mornin' till night, and our pay is paltry. Things in Cambridge
+isn't like what they was. Time was when our young gentlemen used to
+'ave big dinners in their rooms, and a careful bed-maker could save
+a bone or two. Nowadays they,'re only cheese-parers, that's what I
+call 'em. You won't believe me, I know, but my mother, who was a
+bed-maker afore me, used to 'ave a month at the seaside every year,
+all paid for out of money give to 'er by 'er young gentlemen. To be
+sure there was a wrangler, or somethink of that kind, who didn't
+come up to the mark, so she soon got rid of 'im; 'e used to find
+'is butter was took by the cat, and accidents of that kind.</p>
+<p>"Mind yer," she continued, "I ain't got nothink to say against
+the Americans. They may be the most liberal-'earted gentlemen in
+the world for all I know. But it's the principle of the thing I'm
+objectin' to. It's a case of kill me quick or cure me to-morrow,
+and if President WILSON was to talk till next week 'e couldn't make
+it no different. You can't make a silk sock out of a side of bacon,
+and that's true whichever way you look at it."</p>
+<p>"But what steps," we urged, "does your Association intend to
+take, Mrs. Bloggins, over this matter?"</p>
+<p>"I don't know nothink about no 'sociations," said Mrs. Bloggins,
+"but I do know that we're all in it, and Mrs. Pledger and Mrs.
+'Uggins, and the rest of 'em, we knows our power and we intends to
+use it."</p>
+<p>"In what way do you mean?" I said.</p>
+<p>She looked at me cunningly.</p>
+<p>"Now you're spyin'. It's dirty work and I won't 'ave it 'ere.
+You might be the Proctor hisself for all I cares&mdash;you're not
+going to ferret nothink out of me."</p>
+<p>Hereupon she rose with great dignity and plainly indicated that
+the interview was at an end.</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<h4>La Haute Cuisine.</h4>
+<p>"Cook; French; age 38; wages &pound;25-&pound;30
+week."&mdash;<i>Morning Post.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page240" id="page240"></a>[pg
+240]</span>
+<h2>TO THE DEATH.</h2>
+<blockquote class="note">
+<p>[According to the papers, two Frenchmen have agreed to fight a
+duel in aeroplanes.]</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>"Cauliflower!" shrieked Gaspard Volauvent across the little
+table in the <i>estaminet</i>. His face bristled with rage.</p>
+<p>"Serpent!" replied Jacques Rissolo, bristling with equal
+dexterity.</p>
+<p>The two stout little men glared ferociously at each other. Then
+Jacques picked up his glass and poured the wine of the country over
+his friend's head.</p>
+<p>"Drown, serpent!" he said magnificently. He beckoned to the
+waiter. "Another bottle," he said. "My friend has drunk all
+this."</p>
+<p>Gaspard removed the wine from his whiskers with the local paper
+and leant over the table towards Jacques.</p>
+<p>"This must be wiped out in blood," he said slowly. "You
+understand?"</p>
+<p>"Perfectly," replied the other. "The only question is
+whose."</p>
+<p>"Name your weapons," said Gaspard Volauvent grandly.</p>
+<p>"Aeroplanes," replied Jacques Rissole after a moment's
+thought.</p>
+<p>"Bah! I cannot fly."</p>
+<p>"Then I win," said Jacques simply.</p>
+<p>The other looked at him in astonishment.</p>
+<p>"What! You fly?"</p>
+<p>"No; but I can learn."</p>
+<p>"Then I will learn too," said Gaspard with dignity. "We
+meet&mdash;in six months?"</p>
+<p>"Good." Jacques pointed to the ceiling. "Say three thousand feet
+up."</p>
+<p>"Three thousand four hundred," said Gaspard for the sake of
+disagreeing.</p>
+<p>"After all, that is for our seconds to arrange. My friend
+&Eacute;pinard of the Roullens Aerodrome will act for me. He will
+also instruct me how to bring serpents to the ground."</p>
+<p>"With the idea of cleansing the sky of cauliflowers," said
+Gaspard, "I shall proceed to the flying-ground at Dormancourt;
+Blanchaille, the instructor there, will receive your friend."</p>
+<p>He bowed and walked out.</p>
+<p>Details were soon settled. On a date six months ahead the two
+combatants would meet three thousand two hundred feet above the
+little town in which they lived, and fight to the death. In the
+event of both crashing, the one who crashed last would be deemed
+the victor. It was Gaspard's second who insisted on this clause;
+Gaspard himself felt that it did not matter.</p>
+<p>The first month of instruction went by. At the end of it Jacques
+Rissole had only one hope. It was that when he crashed he should
+crash on some of Gaspard's family. Gaspard had no hope, but one
+consolation. It was that no crash could involve his stomach, which
+he invariably left behind him as soon as the aeroplane rose.</p>
+<p>At the end of the second month Gaspard wrote to Jacques.</p>
+<p>"My friend," he wrote, "the hatred of you which I nurse in my
+bosom, and which fills me with the desire to purge you from the
+sky, is in danger of being transferred to my instructor. Let us
+therefore meet and renew our enmity."</p>
+<p>Jacques Rissole wrote back to Gaspard.</p>
+<p>"My enemy," he wrote, "there is nobody in the whole of the
+Roullens aerodrome whom I do not detest with a detestation beside
+which my hatred for you seems as maudlin adoration. This is
+notwithstanding the fact that I make the most marvellous progress
+in the art of flying. It is merely something in their faces which
+annoys me. Let me therefore see yours again, in the hope that it
+will make me think more kindly of theirs."</p>
+<p>They met, poured wine over each other and parted. After another
+month the need of a further stimulant was felt. They met again, and
+agreed to insult each other weekly.</p>
+<p>On the last day of his training Gaspard spoke seriously to his
+instructor.</p>
+<p>"You see that I make nothing of it," he said. "My thoughts are
+ever with the stomach that I leave behind. Not once have I been in
+a position to take control. How then can I fight? My friend, I
+arrange it all. You shall take my place."</p>
+<p>"Is that quite fair to Rissole?" asked Blanchaille
+doubtfully.</p>
+<p>"Do not think that I want you to hurt him. That is not
+necessary. He will hurt himself. Keep out of his way until he has
+finished with himself, and then fly back here. It is easy."</p>
+<p>It seemed the best way; indeed the only way. Gaspard Volauvent
+could never get to the <i>rendezvous</i> alone, and it would be
+fatal to his honour if Jacques arrived there and found nobody to
+meet him. Reluctantly Blanchaille agreed.</p>
+<p>At the appointed hour Gaspard put his head cautiously out of his
+bedroom window and gazed up into the heavens. He saw two aeroplanes
+straight above him. At the thought that he might have been in one
+of them he shuddered violently. Indeed he felt so unwell that the
+need for some slight restorative became pressing. He tripped off to
+the <i>estaminet</i>.</p>
+<p>It was empty save for one table. Gaspard walked towards it,
+hoping for a little conversation. The occupant lowered the
+newspaper from in front of his face and looked up.</p>
+<p>It was too much for Gaspard.</p>
+<p>"Coward!" he shrieked.</p>
+<p>Jacques, who had been just going to say the same thing, hastily
+substituted "Serpent!"</p>
+<p>"I know you," cried Gaspard. "You send your instructor up in
+your place. Poltroon!"</p>
+<p>Jacques picked up his glass and poured the wine of the country
+over his friend's head.</p>
+<p>"Drown, serpent," he said magnificently. He beckoned to the
+waiter. "Another bottle," he said. "My friend has drunk all
+this."</p>
+<p>Gaspard removed the wine from his whiskers with Jacques' paper
+and leant over him.</p>
+<p>"This must be wiped out in blood," he said slowly. "Name your
+weapons."</p>
+<p>"Submarines," said Jacques after a moment's thought.</p>
+<p>A.A.M.</p>
+<hr />
+<h2>THE SWANS OF YPRES.</h2>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Ypres was once a weaving town,</p>
+<p>Where merchants jostled up and down</p>
+<p class="i2">And merry shuttles used to ply;</p>
+<p>On the looms the fleeces were</p>
+<p>Brought from the mart at Winchester,</p>
+<p class="i2">And silver flax from Burgundy.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Who is weaving there to-night?</p>
+<p>Only the moon, whose shuttle white</p>
+<p class="i2">Makes silver warp on dyke and pond;</p>
+<p>Her hands fling veils of lily-woof</p>
+<p>On riven spire and open roof</p>
+<p class="i2">And on the haggard marsh beyond.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>No happy ghosts or fairies haunt</p>
+<p>The ancient city, huddling gaunt,</p>
+<p class="i2">Where waggons crawl with anxious wheel</p>
+<p>And o'er the marshland desolate</p>
+<p>Win slowly to the battered gate</p>
+<p class="i2">That Flemings call the Gate of Lille.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Yet by some wonder it befalls</p>
+<p>That, where the lonely outer walls</p>
+<p class="i2">Brood in the silent pool below,</p>
+<p>Among the sedges of the moat,</p>
+<p>Like lilies furled, the two swans float;</p>
+<p class="i2">"The Swans of Ypres" men call them now.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>They have heard guns and many men</p>
+<p>Come and depart and come again,</p>
+<p class="i2">They have seen strange disastrous things,</p>
+<p>When fire and fume rolled o'er their nest;</p>
+<p>But changeless and aloof they rest,</p>
+<p class="i2">The Swans of Ypres, with folded wings.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Will Treasury notes ever be displaced by boxes of chocolates?
+"&mdash;<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Certainly. Ours often are.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>From the report of the Committee on the Staffing of Government
+Offices we gather that there has been a good deal of
+overflapping.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page241" id="page241"></a>[pg
+241]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+<h3>TRANSPORT FACILITIES.</h3>
+<a href="images/241-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/241-1.png"
+alt="" /></a><b>"VOILA! UN AUTO!"</b><a href=
+"images/241-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/241-2.png" alt=
+"" /></a><b>"DEUX, SEULEMENT!"</b><a href=
+"images/241-3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/241-3.png" alt=
+"" /></a><b>"MERCI, M'SIEU."</b></div>
+<hr />
+<hr class="full" />
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page242" id="page242"></a>[pg
+242]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/242.png"><img width="100%" src="images/242.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Mistress.</i> "OH, JANE, HOW DID YOU DO
+THAT?"&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Maid.</i> "I'M VERY SORRY, MUM; I
+WAS ACCIDENTALLY DUSTING."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>THE SCHLOSS BILLET.</h2>
+<p>We had not expected much of a billet in a defeated and starving
+country; that was probably why everybody was enthusiastic over
+it&mdash;at first. I, as billeting officer, was especially proud of
+having discovered it. The very thing for Brigade
+Headquarters&mdash;secluded, dignified, commanding and
+spacious.</p>
+<p>A couple of kilos from the gates through the drive brings you to
+the Schloss. Entering a hall about the size of a modern theatre you
+journey to the ante-room, a vast apartment, which for space
+compares favourably with the Coliseum at Rome. A world-exhibition
+of pictures and tapestries covers the walls of the Schloss, while
+an acre or two of painted ceiling shows the chief events of German
+history, from the Creation to the Franco-Prussian War.</p>
+<p>In the Dining-room, reached by a progress over carpets and rugs
+representative of all the best periods of Oriental art, it would be
+fairly easy to stage a review on the table itself; while in the
+Music-room a hundred or so lorries could be parked without
+attracting observation too glaringly. Should the need arise, the
+Library could accommodate a battalion on parade, a rifle range or
+sufficient office room for Q branch of a division. A labyrinth of
+corridors and servants' bedrooms harbours the rank and file, and it
+is said that the number of kitchens, pantries and cellars in the
+north and east wings runs into three figures.</p>
+<p>The Divisional Commander called it "homely"; the Corps Commander
+remarked that its style was "not cramped, anyhow&mdash;what?" and
+the Army Commander pronounced it very "cosy."</p>
+<p>The first two days I did not see my servant at all. On Wednesday
+he turned up just before lunch. On Monday and Tuesday, he
+explained, he had wandered through corridors and passages trying to
+find my room, and, by rising an hour before <i>reveille</i>, he
+thought he would be able to get from his quarters to mine by about
+breakfast-time.</p>
+<p>We used to adjourn to the billiard-room after dinner, but gave
+it up because it was necessary to stop play at half-past ten in
+order to be in bed by midnight. Signals is worried because he has
+not enough line left to reach Battalions, all available supplies
+having been used up in connecting the General's room with various
+parts of the Schloss. We are continually late for dinner owing to
+errors in judging the distances from one room to another. Our once
+happy family has dissolved into silent morose individuals, for we
+have grown strange and distant to one another. Liaison between
+departments has broken down, and the Staff-Captain whom I saw
+yesterday in the distance is suffering from premature decay.</p>
+<p>But a solution has been found, for the Engineers are unloading a
+couple of Nissen huts to put up in the hall, and we shall soon be a
+united family once more.</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"The surveyor said that as things were at present he had little
+or no authority over the men who, for the most part, simply
+considered him his equal."&mdash;<i>Trade Paper.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>If he doesn't take a stronger line the men will consider him his
+inferior.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>From a short story:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"She was a slip of a thing, with the sort of eyes that go well
+with curly long lashes&mdash;if they are blue, as hers
+were."&mdash;<i>Weekly Paper.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Our local <i>coiffeur</i> only stocks the old-fashioned
+peroxide.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page243" id="page243"></a>[pg
+243]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/243.png"><img width="100%" src="images/243.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>OVERWEIGHTED.</h3>
+<p>President Wilson. "HERE'S YOUR OLIVE BRANCH. NOW GET BUSY."</p>
+<p>Dove of Peace. "OF COURSE I WANT TO PLEASE EVERYBODY; BUT ISN'T
+THIS A BIT THICK?"</p>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page245" id="page245"></a>[pg
+245]</span><h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT</h2>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+<a href="images/245.png"><img width="100%" src="images/245.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p class="center"><b>THE STRENUOUS LIFE.</b></p>
+<p>BEFORE TAKING OFFICE ALL MEMBERS IN FUTURE WILL HAVE TO PASS A
+TEST OF THEIR ABILITY TO SUSTAIN A PROLONGED FLIGHT, FIVE THOUSAND
+FEET UP, AT A HUNDRED-AND-SEVENTY MILES AN HOUR.</p></div>
+<hr />
+<p><i>Monday, March 17th</i>.&mdash;Mr. GEORGE TERRELL, always a
+little inclined to look upon the black side of things, was
+apprehensive about the spread of Bolshevism in this country. Not so
+Lord HENRY BENTINCK, who genially exploded with "Is not Bolshevism
+in this country a pure bogey?" Not quite that, perhaps; but I
+gathered that in Mr. BONAR LAW'S opinion it hasn't a ghost of a
+chance.</p>
+<p>Great cheers from the Wee Frees greeted the advent of Mr. A.E.
+NEWBOULD, the victor of West Leyton, whose defeat of the Coalition
+candidate has increased the size of their party by something like
+four per cent. As the new Member is understood to be connected with
+the film business his colleagues are hoping that they will soon
+have Ministers on the "movies."</p>
+<p>We know on high authority that evil communications corrupt good
+manners. Sir ERIC GEDDES goes further and believes that they
+corrupt everything. That was the text of his capital speech on the
+second reading of the Transportation Bill. Dispensing on this
+occasion with his usual typescript, he discoursed at large for an
+hour and a-half on the paralytic condition of our railways, roads,
+canals and docks.</p>
+<p>We all had our pleasant morning dreams, he said, but they
+usually disappeared after we had had our cold bath; and the
+country, which was no longer rich, but poor, must take its douche.
+His own dream is of a beautifully centralised control, directing
+all our traffic agencies (save tramways and shipping) into the most
+convenient channels; and he won't be happy till he gets it. But
+judging by some of the speeches that followed he too may have a
+frigid disillusionment when the Bill comes up against the
+"interests" in Committee. Mr. T.P. O'CONNOR, on behalf of
+Liverpool, described it as the product of "an old bureaucracy and a
+young Parliamentarian," and Mr. RENWICK declared that, if it
+passed, the Manchester Ship Canal would be "between the devil and
+the deep sea," surely an uncalled-for attack on Cottonopolis.</p>
+<p>Upon the adjournment, Col. CLAUDE LOWTHER again raised the
+question of the payment of German indemnities, and Mr. BONAR LAW
+again declared that the policy of the Government was to demand the
+largest amount that Germany could pay, but not to demand what we
+knew she couldn't pay. It would have saved him a lot of trouble if
+at the General Election the Government spokesmen had insisted as
+much upon the second half of the policy as they did upon the
+first.</p>
+<p><i>Tuesday, March 18th</i>.&mdash;GILBERT'S fanciful description
+of the "most susceptible Chancellor" is justified by the way in
+which the present occupant of the Woolsack and his predecessors vie
+with one another in the endeavour to secure the favour of the fair
+sex. Today it was Lord HALDANE'S turn to oblige, and he brought in
+a Bill to enable Scotswomen to become Advocates and Law Agents.
+Lord HALSBURY'S contribution to the work of feminine emancipation
+has not yet been announced. The rumour that a deputation of ladies
+recently approached him with a proposal that they should be
+eligible for judicial office&mdash;"Scarlet and ermine are
+<i>so</i> becoming"&mdash;and that he put them off with the old
+joke about there being "enough old women on the Bench already" is,
+of course, apocryphal.</p>
+<p>Not infrequently in the official reports of the Lords' debates a
+speech begins thus: "Lord &mdash;&mdash; (<i>who was indistinctly
+heard</i>)." The Commons' report might well adopt this salutary
+practice as a warning to Members who persistently mumble, or who
+address their remarks to the body of the House instead of to the
+SPEAKER. Ministers are the worst offenders. One of them was asked
+this afternoon, for example, whether the Judicial Adviser to the
+SULTAN had discouraged the use of the English language in the
+Egyptian Courts, but all we could hear of the <i>sotto voce</i>
+conversation between him and his interrogator was that
+"er&mdash;er&mdash;language&mdash;er&mdash;had&mdash;been&mdash;er&mdash;er&mdash;misunderstood."</p>
+<p>Some savages, travellers tell us, are unable to count beyond
+five. Some Ministers, on the other hand, show an inability to
+reckon except in millions. Mr. CHURCHILL, when asked how many
+soldiers were not receiving the recent increase of pay, remarked
+casually that the numbers were "not so very
+great&mdash;half-a-million would cover them." Happily these "sloppy
+statistics" (to recall a phrase used by Mr. ASQUITH <span class=
+"pagenum"><a name="page246" id="page246"></a>[pg 246]</span> during
+the Tariff Reform controversy) do not appeal to the
+FOOD-CONTROLLER. He, being invited to say whether the Government
+had made "approximately &pound;2,400,000" by the charge on
+cattle-sales, replied that the amount was "approximately"
+&pound;3,449,939; and we felt that he was cut to the heart at not
+being able to give the odd shillings and pence.</p>
+<p>The renewed debate on the Transportation Bill revealed a good
+deal of opposition. Roadmen thought it an excellent project for
+railways; railwayman were all in favour of its being applied to
+docks; and dockmen had no objection to its being tried on the
+roads. But none of them wanted it for his own particular interest.
+Sir EDWARD CARSON'S objections were both particular and general.
+Belfast would be ruined if its port were controlled by "a nest of
+politicians" in Dublin, but apart from that he doubted whether the
+promised economies would be realised in any direction. Ministers
+were "gluttons for centralisation," and would, he prophesied, incur
+the usual fate of gluttons, acute indigestion.</p>
+<p>Mr. BONAR LAW, while admitting that he himself would not have
+voted for the Bill five years ago, declared that the War had made
+it essential. That seemed to be the general opinion, for the second
+reading was agreed to without a division.</p>
+<div class="figright" style="width:35%;"><a href=
+"images/246.png"><img width="100%" src="images/246.png" alt=
+"" /></a>THE CROWN OF OLD KING COAL.<br />
+Trying It On.</div>
+<p><i>Wednesday, March 19th</i>.&mdash;Lord MALMESBURY, who has
+lately been the victim of a burglary, attributed it to
+housebreakers having been demobilised before policemen. Whether
+this was done on the ground that they conducted "one man
+businesses," or because someone in Whitehall assumed that the
+wielders of the centre-bit must be "pivotal," I do not know, but an
+Army Order requiring Commanding Officers to keep the balance even
+between criminals and coppers seems to be urgently needed.</p>
+<p>The Bishops were delighted to hear from Lord ERNLE that his
+department includes a Hop-Controller, and are going to ask him to
+turn his attention to the Jazz.</p>
+<p>Museums could not be opened just yet, said Lord STANMORE,
+because some eight thousand officials of various departments were
+at present lodged in these buildings. To judge by the comments of
+the public Press, there are several hundreds more who ought to be
+kept there.</p>
+<p><i>Thursday, March 20th</i>.&mdash;Lord WINTERTON wanted to know
+what the Government was doing to counteract Mr. BERNARD SHAW'S
+alleged anti-British propaganda in the United States. Mr. CECIL
+HARMSWORTH thought Professor OMAN'S recent memorandum would prove a
+sufficient counterblast. He had, however, no objection to adding
+Mr. SHAW'S latest pamphlet to "the large budget of Shavian
+literature" already at the Foreign Office, where, it is said, the
+clerks on night-duty like to beguile their leisure with light
+fiction.</p>
+<p>Late in the evening Mr. BONAR LAW announced the intentions of
+the Government with regard to the coal industry. It would adopt Mr.
+Justice SANKEY'S report, giving the men a large portion of their
+demands. If the miners still persisted in striking&mdash;well, the
+State would strike too, with all its might; otherwise there was an
+end of government in this country. The cheers which greeted this
+statement seriously annoyed Mr. JACK JONES, who sits for
+Silvertown, and maintains the explosive reputation of his
+constituency.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE CROSSING-SWEEPER.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Five years ago he swept the snow,</p>
+<p>Or the mud, or the dust or the leaves that blow,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or stood at the corner "dossing";</p>
+<p>Picking up rubbish and dangerous rind</p>
+<p>That careless people had left behind,</p>
+<p class="i6">He swept the crossing.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>And still he sweeps and clears the way</p>
+<p>In blizzard and mist and soaking spray,</p>
+<p class="i2">Out on the Channel tossing;</p>
+<p>Picking up mines of a devilish kind</p>
+<p>That unscrupulous people have left behind,</p>
+<p class="i6">He sweeps the crossing.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"COAL STRIKE POPSTONED."<br />
+<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Much the best thing to do with it.</p>
+<hr />
+<h2>DRAMATISTS TO THE RESCUE.</h2>
+<p>In view of the theory developed by the Ministry of
+Reconstruction's Sub-Committee on Organisation and Conditions of
+Domestic Service, that "the attitude adopted by the Press and the
+Stage is usually an unfortunate one, as servants are frequently
+represented as comic or flippant characters, and are held up to
+ridicule," a meeting of our leading dramatists was hastily convened
+last evening by Lady HEADFORT (who, it will be remembered, is all
+for calling her maids "Home-birds") to engage their sympathetic
+co-operation in aid of mistresses, housekeepers and employers
+generally. What the stage has taken away the stage must give back:
+that is Lady HEADFORT'S contention. Not that the domestic problem
+will even then be settled; there will probably still be difficulty
+in persuading W.A.A.C.s and Land Women and Munitioners who have
+tasted blood to descend below stairs again; but perhaps a little
+help will be forthcoming. Hence this influential gathering.</p>
+<p>Sir SQUIRE BANCROFT, who presided, said that the domestic
+problem was one of great seriousness. Personally he rarely
+descended to the servants' hall, but he did not pretend to be
+unaware of the usefulness of such regions and of our dependence
+upon them. There must be give and take. If the stage had been
+guilty of too much levity in its portraiture of domestic servants,
+then, in the interests of all of us, it must make what our lively
+neighbours call the <i>amende honorable</i>.</p>
+<p>Sir JAMES BARRIE said that no one could hold him personally to
+blame. His plays had always exhibited domestic servants in a most
+favourable light. Not only was a butler the hero of <i>The
+Admirable Crichton</i>, a maidservant the heroine of <i>A Kiss for
+Cinderella</i> and a charwoman the heroine of <i>The Old Lady Shows
+Her Medals</i>, but the actual authorship of <i>Peter Pan</i> was
+given to the smallest nursemaid on record.</p>
+<p>Mr. SOMERSET MAUGHAM also claimed to be on the side of the
+home-birds. Had he not in <i>Smith</i> written a part of strong
+parlour-maid interest for Miss MARIE L&Ouml;HR?</p>
+<p>Mr. G.B. SHAW said that there was no need for the meeting at
+all, because he was just putting the finishing touches to a witty
+drama which would settle the whole question. In this play, which,
+he could tell them on the best authority in the world, his own, was
+a work of surpassing genius, the Irish Question, which had baffled
+statesmen and philosophers for centuries, is settled once and for
+all by the wisdom and presence of mind of a Kerry kitchenmaid.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page247" id="page247"></a>[pg
+247]</span><p>The Chairman said that perhaps the meeting might as
+well proceed with its discussion, since there was always the
+possibility that the run of Mr. SHAW'S play might not equal that of
+his last, which, he understood, had just been produced in New York
+and had come off almost at once.</p>
+<p>Mr. HENRY ARTHUR JONES said that if any branch of art could
+effect social transformations it was the drama. Personally he
+looked upon the stage as only one degree less powerful than the
+Senate and vastly more serious than the Church. Its first duty was
+to instruct, elevate and reform; to amuse was never its true
+function. Hence, if the dramatists of the country cared to take up
+the task of remedying the servant shortage, the matter would be
+quickly settled. But only, added the speaker with extreme gravity,
+if the authors of the pernicious rubbish known as <i>revue</i> were
+first gagged and bound.</p>
+<p>Mr. MAX PEMBERTON said that, although he had given up
+<i>revue</i> writing in favour of transforming farcical plays, he
+felt that he might make an appeal to the authors of <i>revue</i>
+(who often exceeded the audience in number) to join in this very
+laudable campaign. Speaking as one of the two-and-twenty
+Hippodromios, although no longer in that capacity, he would appeal
+to his successors to paint life below stairs in such resplendent
+hues that the desire instantly to take service would be implanted
+in every female bosom.</p>
+<p>Mr. ALFRED SUTRO, speaking at the moment not so much as a
+dramatist as a man without a cook, said that he agreed heartily
+with the sentiments of the gentleman who had just sat down.</p>
+<p>Sir ARTHUR WING PINERO said that he was always willing to help
+worthy causes and was as ready to write a play for the object in
+view as, not long since, he had been to write one to encourage
+economy. But it was useless unless the company chosen would
+co-operate. The dramatist did not stand alone. So long as the
+ordinary stage idea of a parlourmaid was a saucy nymph with a
+feather brush and very short skirts, so long would dramatists
+strive in vain to exalt her calling. He was prepared to do his
+best, but feared that the actors' traditions would prove too
+strong.</p>
+<p>Mr. WALTER MELVILLE said that he hoped nothing would be done to
+tamper with such traditions as Sir ARTHUR complained of. It was the
+duty of a stage servant to begin plays and to be funny. The curtain
+of a farce should rise on a butler and a parlourmaid remarking on
+the fact that master was suspiciously late last night; and the
+butler should be amorous, bibulous and peculative, and the
+parlourmaid coy and trim. Similarly, footmen should be haughty and
+drop their aitches, cooks short-tempered, red and fat, and
+office-boys knowing and cheeky. The public expected it, and the
+public ought to have it because the public paid.</p>
+<p>There being no further remarks, the meeting dispersed, the
+various speakers returning sadly home to perform the household
+duties.</p>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"EX-KAISER TO PAP THE PENALTY."<br />
+<i>Sunday Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>We always feared he would get off with a soft punishment.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href=
+"images/247.png"><img width="100%" src="images/247.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Docker (by way of concluding a heated argument with
+Scotsman).</i> "WELL, GO UP THERE, THEN, AN' TALK TO YOUR BLINKIN'
+SCOTCH PALS."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<h4>Our Popular Guides.</h4>
+<p>"HOW INFLUENZA MAY BE SPREAD."<br />
+<i>Headline in a Daily Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<p>A correspondent writes: "It may interest you to know that I
+recently received the following statement from a provincial branch
+of a floor-cloth company:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>'Owing to some of the principal ingredients used in the
+manufacture of floor coverings having been taken over by the
+Ministry of Food, the price of the material is again advanced.'</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Have you noticed it at all in your soup?"</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page248" id="page248"></a>[pg
+248]</span>
+<h2>THE HOUSE-HUNTER</h2>
+<p>Unless something is done for Higgins without delay the nation
+must prepare to face a tremendous rise in the rate of mortality
+among house-agents.</p>
+<p>Soon after he came back from the War he began to adopt a
+threatening attitude (as the police-court witnesses say) towards
+these gentlemen. Recently he has gone beyond the threatening stage.
+If rumour can be trusted, he has thrown at least six of them
+through their office windows. He has taken a dislike to the whole
+tribe. They are, in his opinion, a gang of criminals for whom no
+punishment could be too severe, because they impose upon the public
+in general and Higgins in particular, by continuing in business as
+if they were in a position to let houses when, as a matter of fact,
+there are no houses for them to let.</p>
+<p>Higgins wants a house. Yes, incredible though it may sound, this
+man, who for years has been content to dwell in a dug-out or
+consort with creeping things in the confines of a canvas tent, and
+even on occasion make his bed beneath the starry dome of heaven,
+with nothing in between, has now developed a craving for a
+residence built of bricks and mortar.</p>
+<p>What is more, he expects the house-agents to find it for him,
+and, since he considers the whole thing from the purely personal
+point of view, their excuses for failing to do so are of no avail.
+The fact that half a million other people want houses is nothing to
+him. He ignores it. He believes that the house-agentry of the
+country has hatched a gigantic conspiracy to keep him, Higgins, out
+of a home.</p>
+<p>I have done <i>my</i> best to put him out of his misery. After
+seeing the poor wretch wear himself (and his boots) out in useless
+journeying to and from the places where house-agents pretend to
+work I thought of a scheme&mdash;not strictly original&mdash;for
+obtaining a house and presented it to him without hope of
+reward.</p>
+<p>"You are committing and error," I said.</p>
+<p>"I shall commit a murder in a minute," he growled but, knowing
+what he had suffered, I took no notice of the threat.</p>
+<p>"Listen," I said; "all the habitable houses in England are
+occupied and it will be years before the new ones are built. The
+painting of "TO LET" boards has become a lost art. You are wasting
+your time in looking for an <i>empty</i> dwelling. Take my advice.
+Choose one that is occupied, any one you fancy, and empty it."</p>
+<p>At this point he interpolated an offensive expression with which
+I was not familiar before I joined the army, but I overlooked that
+also.</p>
+<p>"You think it is impossible, but you are wrong," I told him.
+"This scheme is bound to succeed. All you have to do is to haunt
+the house. You do not eject the tenant yourself. You conjure up a
+ghost to do it for you."</p>
+<p>"The devil!"</p>
+<p>"No&mdash;not necessarily. An ordinary ghost will do."</p>
+<p>"But, my dear good fool, how in Hades or out of it can I produce
+a ghost?"</p>
+<p>"Easily. By <i>suggestion</i>. That is the secret. This is an
+age of suggestion. Doctors are curing patients by suggestion.
+Politicians hypnotise the public by suggestion. And you can
+frighten the present occupants out of your chosen home by
+suggestion. No real ghost is required. Having selected the house
+you pay a call and lay ground-bait, so to speak. You tell the
+tenant you are interested in the place because you happen to know
+that at one time it was haunted. You relate a gruesome tale of some
+mysterious tragedy that you say has occurred there, and generally
+make your victim's flesh creep.</p>
+<p>"He or she, a woman for choice, will probably laugh at first.
+Never mind. Allow a few days for the idea to sink in, and then call
+again. It is a hundred to one that you will hear that strange
+manifestations have been observed. After that it will be plain
+sailing. You will continue to call, always supplying fresh
+suggestion, until at last, thoroughly unnerved, the tenant will
+bolt, probably taking refuge in a hotel. That will be your chance.
+Snatch the place up at once, and there you are."</p>
+<p>For the first time since he was demobilised, Higgins smiled.</p>
+<p>"By Heavens!" he said, "I'll try it. There's a little place at
+Croydon which would be a perfect billet. I will pay my first visit
+at once."</p>
+<p>He sauntered away, proclaiming in song the satisfactory
+condition of rose-culture in Picardy.</p>
+<p>Yesterday he came back.</p>
+<p>His face was grim. There was a light in his eye which I did not
+like. He made no mention of roses blooming in Picardy or anywhere
+else.</p>
+<p>"How is the scheme working?" I asked. "Have you called on the
+Croydon gentleman?"</p>
+<p>"I have," he answered; "and when I had laid the blessed
+ground-bait, as you call it, he told me he always did think there
+was a ghost about the place, and he was delighted to have his
+theory confirmed. He wants more details now. He invites me to
+furnish evidence. What for, you ask? Well, you see, he happens to
+be an active member of the Society for Psychical Research."</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href=
+"images/248.png"><img width="100%" src="images/248.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Polite Stranger (during the busy hour on the
+Underground).</i> "WON'T YOU SHARE MY HANDLE, MADAM?"</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>SILLY SEASONING.</h2>
+<p>The strange case of the halibut and the cormorant, recently
+reported in the daily Press, has brought us a budget of interesting
+letters, from which we select the following as agreeable evidence
+of the return of normal conditions in the fish-story-telling
+industry:&mdash;</p>
+<p><i>Gullane, N.B.</i></p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>Dear Sir,&mdash;One of the most striking results of the War has
+been its effect on the mentality of birds and animals and even
+fishes. The papers have lately contained accounts of a halibut
+which swallowed a cormorant and survived the exploit only to fall a
+victim to the wiles of a North Sea fisherman. As the cormorant is
+generally regarded to be the <i>dernier cri</i> in voracity, the
+incident illustrates the old saying of the biter bit. As a rule
+birds of prey have the upper hand in their contests with the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page249" id="page249"></a>[pg
+249]</span> finny denizens of the deep. But the triumph of the
+halibut is not altogether unprecedented. I remember, when I was
+cruising in the China Seas in the year 1854, witnessing a combat
+between a dolphin and a Bombay duck, in which the latter came off
+second-best. And some thirty years later, during a yachting
+excursion off the Scilly Isles, I saw an even more remarkable duel
+between a porbeagle&mdash;as the Cornish people call the
+mackerel-shark&mdash;and a pipit, in which, strange to relate, the
+bird came off victorious.</p>
+<p>Believe me to be, Sir,</p>
+<p>Yours truthfully,</p>
+<p>CONSTANTINE PHIBSON.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>Tara, Diddlebury</i>.</p>
+<p>DEAR SIR,&mdash;When I was an undergraduate at Cambridge in the
+'sixties a "Limerick" was current which began as
+follows:&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>"There was an adventurous sole</p>
+<p>Which swallowed an albatross whole."</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>Unfortunately I cannot remember the conclusion of the stanza,
+nor am I able to state whether it was founded on fact or was merely
+an ebullition of lyrical fancy. In the latter case the lines are a
+striking instance of the prophetic power of minstrelsy, and justify
+the use of the word "<i>vates</i>," or seer, as applied to poets by
+the ancient Romans.</p>
+<p>I have the honour to be, Sir,</p>
+<p>Yours faithfully,</p>
+<p>SEPTIMUS BOWLONG.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>Rougemont Villa, Crookhaven.</i></p>
+<p>DEAR SIR,&mdash;The halibut-cormorant episode has attracted
+undue attention, since many similar but far more extraordinary
+incidents have occurred during the War, but have passed unrecorded
+owing to the claims of Bellona. I will confine myself to one which
+was witnessed by my daughter Anna in course of bathing at
+Sheringham in August, 1917. While swimming underwater she collided
+with a middle-sized sea-serpent, which was evidently in
+difficulties and made its way to the beach, where it expired. The
+post-mortem, which was conducted by Professor Darcy Johnson,
+F.R.S., revealed that the serpent had been choked by a gigantic
+gooseberry, which had formed part of the cargo of a Greenland tramp
+torpedoed by an enemy submarine. The serpent was actually being
+stuffed when a bomb dropped by a Zeppelin blew it into
+infinitesimal smithereens, to the profound disappointment of the
+Professor and my daughter Anna, who has never been quite the same
+woman since. Permit me to subscribe myself</p>
+<p>Yours faithfully,</p>
+<p>ALEXANDER NIAS.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>Steep Hill, Cramlington.</i></p>
+<p>DEAR SIR,&mdash;There is nothing surprising in the story of a
+halibut devouring a cormorant. As you will see from consulting
+<i>Murray</i>, halibut means "holy-butt" (or flat-fish), and holy
+fishes are possessed of magical powers. When I lived on the coast
+of Florida I had a tame tarpon, which could swallow
+anything&mdash;croquet balls, door scrapers&mdash;and once ate an
+entire cottage pianoforte in half-an-hour. Here I may add that in
+my travels in Turkestan I was attacked by a boa-constrictor, and,
+though I escaped with my life, it proceeded to swallow the Bactrian
+camel on which I was riding. On the following day, however, when
+the boa was still in a comatose condition, I killed it with a
+boomerang, rescued the camel and continued my journey without
+further mishap.</p>
+<p>I am, Sir, Yours veraciously,</p>
+<p>ANDREW MERRIMAN.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/249.png"><img width="100%" src="images/249.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Lady Driver (just joined)</i>. "OH, SERGEANT, I HOPE I SHAN'T
+UPSET MY FIRST PASSENGER!"</p>
+<p><i>Sergeant (A.S.C., M.T.).</i> "PASSENGER, MISS! DON'T LET THAT
+WORRY YOU. PLENTY MORE PASSENGERS!"</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page250" id="page250"></a>[pg
+250]</span>
+<h2>THE SIX-HOUR DAY.</h2>
+<p class="center">AN ANTICIPATION.</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>["If the husband's hours are reduced to six that gives the wife
+a chance. The home and the children are as much his as hers. With
+his enlarged leisure he will now be able to take a fair share in
+home duties."<br />
+<i>Mrs. WILL CROOKS</i>.]</p>
+</blockquote>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Jock Mackay was a lusty soul;</p>
+<p>He earned his livelihood winning coal;</p>
+<p>Black with grime, all huddled and bent,</p>
+<p>A third of his life in the pit he spent;</p>
+<p>A third he slept and a third he slacked</p>
+<p>Training the whippet his fancy backed,</p>
+<p>Or talking strikes with a fervent zest</p>
+<p>In the bar of the neighbouring "Miners' Rest."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Jean Mackay was his wife; her day</p>
+<p>Started or ever the dawn was grey;</p>
+<p>She lit the fire, she shook the mats,</p>
+<p>She frizzled the bacon and dressed the brats,</p>
+<p>She darned and mended, she made the beds,</p>
+<p>She combed the tugs in the tousled heads,</p>
+<p>She knitted the socks, she washed and baked</p>
+<p>Till every bone in her body ached;</p>
+<p>She toiled and moiled in a non-stop fight</p>
+<p>From six in the morning till ten at night.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>But there dawned a day when Jock Mackay</p>
+<p>Came home from the mine with a dancing eye</p>
+<p>And a laugh in his heart, and he cried out, "Jean,</p>
+<p>'Tis the grandest day that the warl' has seen!</p>
+<p>The lads are a' cheerin' and rinnin' fey,</p>
+<p>For the Government's gien us the sax-hour day."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Jean stopped scrubbing. "Is't true?" said she;</p>
+<p>"I wish ye luck. But bide a wee.</p>
+<p>Noo that the battle is owre an' done,</p>
+<p>What will ye dae wi' the hours ye've won?"</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>"What will I dae wi' them? What I like.</p>
+<p>I'll tak' a bit turn wi' my wee bit tyke,</p>
+<p>Or call for a crack wi' the lads at the "Rest,"</p>
+<p>And mebbe I micht tak' a drap, if pressed."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>"That's a' vera weel, but bide a bit.</p>
+<p>Ye work sax hours a day in your pit,</p>
+<p>But I'd hae ye to bear in mind," said Jean,</p>
+<p>"While ye work sax I work saxteen."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Jock scratched his head. "Ay, lass, that's sae.</p>
+<p>Aweel, an' what would ye hae me dae?"</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>"Fair does," she answered; "it's only fair</p>
+<p>That ye should be takin' your ain just share,</p>
+<p>An' help me in keepin' the hame for a spell</p>
+<p>In the extry hours that ye've got to yoursel',</p>
+<p>Sae, while I'm scrubbin' the floor," she said,</p>
+<p>"Ye micht be pittin' the bairns tae bed."</p>
+<p>Jock laughed. "I doot there's somethin' in it;</p>
+<p>I'll stairt on my duties this verra minute."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>A week went by: Jock learnt to scrub,</p>
+<p>He gave the bairns their Saturday tub,</p>
+<p>He made the beds, he blacked the grates,</p>
+<p>He washed up saucers and cups and plates,</p>
+<p>He cleaned and polished, he boiled and baked</p>
+<p>Till every bone in his body ached.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Around the neighbourhood rumour flew;</p>
+<p>Soon every wife in the village knew</p>
+<p>That Jock, when his spell in the pit was done,</p>
+<p>Was cook, nurse, parlourmaid rolled into one;</p>
+<p>And every wife she vowed that her man</p>
+<p>Should be trained on the same super-excellent plan.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>Behold these lusty miners all</p>
+<p>Fettered fast in domestic thrall,</p>
+<p>Scrubbing, rubbing, baking bread,</p>
+<p>Busy with scissors and needle and thread,</p>
+<p>Spreading the brats their bread and jam,</p>
+<p>Trundling them out in the morning pram,</p>
+<p>Washing their pinafores clean and white</p>
+<p>And tucking them up in their cots at night.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>Ask me not&mdash;for I cannot tell,</p>
+<p>I can only guess&mdash;how the end befell:</p>
+<p>A wifely word, an angry scowl,</p>
+<p>A bit of a grumble, a bit of a growl,</p>
+<p>A scolding here, a squabbling there,</p>
+<p>And here the sound of an ugly swear,</p>
+<p>A cry of despair from the sore opprest,</p>
+<p>A secret call to the "Miners' Rest,"</p>
+<p>A sudden revolt from the brooms and mats,</p>
+<p>And a roar from a thousand throats&mdash;"Down brats!"</p>
+<hr />
+<p>"What&mdash;striking again?" you cry, aghast.</p>
+<p>Nay, friend, cheer up, for the worst is past;</p>
+<p>A glint of blue may be seen through the grey&mdash;</p>
+<p><i>They are asking again for an eight-hour day</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>THE DISCIPLINARIAN.</h2>
+<p>Saluting is rapidly becoming a thing of the past, even among
+British-born soldiers. Dating from the Armistice, it has lapsed
+more and more, until now it is practically extinct.</p>
+<p>Now I regard this as serious. I have ever been a stickler for
+discipline, and consequently I dislike it when men pass
+by&mdash;not, like the Levite, on the other side&mdash;but close to
+me without so much as a click of the eyeballs.</p>
+<p>So I decided that I as a disciplinarian would make a stand
+against it; I would keep my eyes open for any particularly flagrant
+case. When I found it I intended to let myself go. I promised
+myself an agreeable ten minutes&mdash;or longer, if I got properly
+worked up.</p>
+<p>My chance came the other day. I was strolling down Regent Street
+when three N.C.O.'s, including a sergeant, passed me. They did not
+salute. I might have been a civilian for all the notice they took
+of me. Ha! my hour had come.</p>
+<p>Turning, I hastened after them.</p>
+<p>"Sergeant, a word."</p>
+<p>They stopped and the Sergeant asked if I was speaking to
+him.</p>
+<p>"Have you ever heard of the little word 'Sir,' Sergeant?" I
+asked severely.</p>
+<p>"Evidently not. However I pass over that. But a moment ago you
+went by me without saluting. Deliberately&mdash;inexcusably. I was
+as close to you as I am now."</p>
+<p>"But how&mdash;" began the Sergeant.</p>
+<p>"Not a word," I cut him short. "Not a word. You know perfectly
+well that you have neglected your duty grossly. Now tell me. Is it
+your own idea to drop saluting, or has Mr. CHURCHILL had a word in
+your ear?" (Sarcasm is my strong point.)</p>
+<p>"But look here&mdash;" said the Sergeant, rather red in the
+face.</p>
+<p>"Do not interrupt," I thundered, warming to my work. "How, I
+ask, do you expect the ordinary soldier to salute when <i>you</i>
+slink past officers&mdash;you, who ought to be a shining example?
+Now I am going to report&mdash;"</p>
+<p>Something in the Sergeant's eye, which seemed to be travelling
+over my person generally, made me suddenly glance down at myself,
+and it was then that, horror-struck, I realised that I was wearing
+for the first time my new ten-guinea suit.</p>
+<p>As I faded away the Sergeant clicked his heels and saluted
+smartly.</p>
+<hr />
+<h4>The Struggle for Life.</h4>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Lady will exchange clothing, self, little girl, for farm
+butter, eggs, jam."&mdash;<i>The Lady</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page251" id="page251"></a>[pg
+251]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/251.png"><img width="100%" src="images/251.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Infuriated Italian (who has recently purchased a British Army
+horse).</i> "FAIR WORDS DID I SPEAK HIM, SAYING, 'PEDRO, AVANTI
+PIANISSIMO,' AND&mdash;BEHOLD!"</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+<p><i>(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)</i></p>
+<p><i>Within The Rim</i> (COLLINS) is, I suppose, the last of the
+posthumous volumes of Mr. HENRY JAMES. It is a short book, produced
+with the beauty that I have already grown to associate with the
+imprint of its publishers, and containing five occasional pieces.
+Of these the first, which gives its title to the whole, is the most
+considerable: an essay of very moving poignancy, telling the
+emotion of the writer during the earliest months of the War, in
+"the most beautiful English summer conceivable," months that he
+"was to spend so much of in looking over from the old rampart of a
+little high-perched Sussex town at the bright blue streak of the
+Channel ... and staring at the bright mystery beyond the rim of the
+farthest opaline reach." In the thoughts to which HENRY JAMES here
+gives expression one may find much of the love and sympathy for
+this country that subsequently led to that assumption of British
+citizenship which he intended as their demonstration to the world.
+Of interest also in this same paper is the revelation of a mind
+that knew already by a personal experience (of the American Civil
+War) "what immensities our affair would carry in its bosom&mdash;a
+knowledge that flattered me by its hint of immunity from illusion."
+I would not be understood that this is a volume for the casual
+reader, or even for one desirous of making a first acquaintance
+with the Master, since much of it exemplifies not only the beauty
+but the perplexities of his later style; but it is certainly one
+which his disciples will not willingly be without.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>Notebooks of a Spinster Lady</i> (CASSELL) is smallish talk
+about biggish wigs of the Victorian era, but not on that sole
+account to be condemned. Perhaps rather wholesome as showing how
+little distant we are from an age of government of the people by
+superior people for superior people. The notebooks cover the years
+1878-1903, but the anecdotes have a much wider range, are often
+indeed of a venerable antiquity. The lady of the notebooks was not,
+I fancy, of a critical temper, and versions not too credible of
+well-known <i>contes</i> figure in her quiet kindly pages. There
+are moreover stories which I should not hesitate to describe as of
+an appalling banality if they were not concerned with such very
+nice people. On the whole I don't think it quite fair to the
+spinster lady to have published her notes. They may well have been
+painstaking jottings to provide material for polite conversation
+and have sounded much better than they read in cold print. For
+myself the real heroine of the book is <i>Maria</i>, the poet's
+wife, who, on being waked and adjured by her spouse to get up and
+strike a light for that he had just thought of a good word, replied
+in un-Victorian mood, "Get up yourself! I have just thought of a
+bad one."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>Love&mdash;on Leave</i> (PEARSON) is the sufficiently
+expressive title that Miss JESSIE POPE has chosen for a small book
+of little courtship tales. You never saw a volume of its size, more
+packed with love, which is shown leaping walls, laughing at
+locksmiths and generally making the world go round in its
+proverbial fashion. The pace of the revolutions may be found a
+little disconcerting. You will perhaps be inclined to amend the
+title and call the collection "Love on <i>Short</i> Leave," to mark
+the regularity with which the respective heroes and heroines fall
+into each others' arms at the end of every dozen pages or so. As a
+matter of fact, the incident that is to my mind the best of the
+bunch is an <span class="pagenum"><a name="page252" id=
+"page252"></a>[pg 252]</span> exception to this rule of
+osculation&mdash;a happily imagined little comedy of a young wife
+who thought to avoid the visit of a tiresome sister-in-law by
+betaking herself for the night to the branches of a spreading
+beech. Whether in actual life this is a probable course of conduct
+need not exercise your mind; at least not enough to prevent your
+enjoyment of her arboreal adventure, which comes, as I say, with
+the more freshness as a break in what might else be a surfeit of
+proposals. In effect, a gallant little florin's worth of
+<i>fian&ccedil;ailles</i>; though, if you wish to avoid feeling
+like a matrimonial agency, you will be well-advised to take it by
+instalments rather than in bulk.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Among the pacific warriors in the great 1914-18 struggle there
+is probably none who did better work, often under conditions of the
+gravest peril, than Mr. G.M. TREVELYAN for the Red Cross in Italy.
+Disqualified both by age and health from joining the army of
+attack, he threw himself into the task&mdash;a labour of
+love&mdash;of tending the sick and wounded of that country which he
+knows so well and of whose greatest modern hero he is the classic
+biographer. That the eulogist of GARIBALDI should hasten to the
+succour of Italian soldiers was fitting, and how well he performed
+the task the records of the Villa Trenta Hospital, near Udine, and
+of the ambulance drivers under his command, abundantly tell. The
+story of this beneficent campaign and of much besides is told with
+too much modesty by Mr. TREVELYAN himself, in a book entitled
+<i>Scenes from Italy's War</i> (JACK), which gives a series of the
+vividest impressions of the Italian effort, and is remarkable for
+the best analysis that I have yet seen of the causes that led to
+the disaster of Caporetto. The pages in which Mr. TREVELYAN paints
+the portrait of a typical Italian soldier, home sick and perplexed,
+are likely to be borrowed by many more pretentious historians of
+the War for years to come.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mr. JOHN HARGRAVE, the author and illustrator of <i>The Great
+War Brings It Home</i> (CONSTABLE) has already a wide reputation in
+the world of Scouts, gained not only by his enthusiasm but by his
+profound knowledge of scout-craft. Here he tells us very plainly
+that the War has brought home to us the fact that, if we are to
+make good our losses in the ranks of the young and the fit, we have
+got to give our children a better chance of living healthy,
+wholesome lives. He urges the need of more outdoor education and as
+many open-air camps as possible, and shows that, if we are to carry
+out such a scheme as he lays in detail before us, scoutmasters and
+still more scoutmasters are wanted. With reason he complains that
+none of these good fellows is paid one halfpenny, and that nearly
+all of them are young men who have to get a living. "Offer them,"
+he says, "a living wage and how gladly would they become national
+scoutmasters in charge of national camps." You may, if you are on
+the look-out for it, find much that will seem fantastic in Mr.
+HARGRAVE'S ideas; his appeal, however, is not to those of us who,
+even in a case of great national urgency, cannot get away from the
+tyranny of convention. Intrinsically his idea is sound, and I plead
+with all my heart for a fair consideration of his schemes and for
+help in their development.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mr. REX BEACH is one of the few prolific writers whose stories
+increase in power as they increase in number, and this though they
+are essentially novels of action rather than novels of thought. Of
+his latest effort, <i>The Winds of Chance</i> (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON), one may say that there is not a tedious page in it. The
+scene is laid in Yukon, a very vortex of life and colour and
+excitement in fiction, whatever it may seem to the actual
+inhabitants. The true hero of the story, <i>Napoleon Doret</i>, the
+French voyageur, wins his heart's desire in the end and we breathe
+a sigh of relief. The other hero is left the accepted swain of the
+daughter of the Colonel of the North-West Mounted Police at Dawson,
+and this we find a little hard to swallow, seeing what shady, not
+to say immoral, company, male and female, he had just been basking
+in. He is a weak creature and certainly should have married the
+<i>Countess Courteau</i>, an Amazonian lady, who would have kept
+him in order. But that is to be fastidious. The story is crisp and
+vivid, and, anyway, those ancient prospectors, <i>Tom Linton</i>
+and <i>Jerry McQuirk</i>, are worth twice the money.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mr. Punch has great pleasure in commending to his readers two
+volumes of verse&mdash;<i>Rhymes of the Red Ensign</i> (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON), by Miss C. FOX SMITH, and <i>The Poets in Picardy</i>
+(MURRAY), by Major E. DE STEIN&mdash;in which they will recognise
+many poems that have appeared in his pages.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href=
+"images/252.png"><img width="100%" src="images/252.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Master</i>. "BUT, JENKINS, THE NAME OF THE COMPLAINT IS NOT
+PEWMONIA. SURELY YOU'VE HEARD ME AGAIN AND AGAIN SAY
+'PNEUMONIA'?"</p>
+<p><i>Man</i>. "WELL, SIR, I 'AVE; BUT I DIDN'T LIKE TO CORRECT
+YOU."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h4>How to Solve the Food Problem.</h4>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Superior Working Housekeeper and young Maid for Ladies'
+College. No cooking; students sleep only."&mdash;<i>Church
+Times</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<h4>Commercial Candour.</h4>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"The interesting announcement is made that a regular air service
+for perishable goods and passengers is to be established at
+Edinburgh."&mdash;<i>Scotsman</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"The London season has begun with its usual extensive programme
+of religious services in various London churches."&mdash;<i>Scots
+Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>The best comment that we have yet seen on this statement occurs
+in the following (also from a Scots paper):&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"The Commander-in-Chief has borne testimony on behalf of the
+Grand Fleet to the work that the Scittish Bishops have done for the
+Navy during the War."</p>
+</blockquote>
+</blockquote>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Punch, Volume 156, 26 March 1919, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOLUME 156, 26 MARCH 1919 ***
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Volume 156, 26 March 1919, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Volume 156, 26 March 1919
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 25, 2004 [EBook #11284]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOLUME 156, 26 MARCH 1919 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 156.
+
+
+
+March 26, 1919.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+WILLIAM HOHENZOLLERN is reported to be busy sawing trees. Some declare
+that his energy is due to an hallucination that they are German
+generals. Others say the whole story is a clumsy attempt to discredit
+him with the Labour party.
+
+       ***
+
+Dublin Corporation has decided to increase its revenue by eight
+thousand pounds by raising the charge on water. Citizens are urged to
+put patriotism before prejudice and give the stuff a trial.
+
+       ***
+
+The inconveniences that attend influenza reached their climax a few
+days ago when an occupant of a crowded tube train blew the nose of the
+man next to him in mistake for his own.
+
+       ***
+
+The beggar who has been going about telling a pitiful story of being
+wounded by a trench-mortar during the Jutland battle is now regarded
+by the police as an impostor.
+
+       ***
+
+A defendant in a County Court case at Liverpool last week stated in
+his evidence that he had been on the telephone for the last twenty
+years. In fairness to the Postal authorities he should have admitted
+that it was a trunk call.
+
+       ***
+
+[Illustration: _Foreman (late R.S.M.)._ "'ERE! YOU AIN'T IN THE ARMY
+NOW. THERE'S NO CALL FOR _YOU_ TO KEEP A WATCH ON THE RHINE."]
+
+       ***
+
+A lady-correspondent, writing to a daily paper, laments the fact
+that the War has changed a great many husbands. Surely the wife who
+receives the wrong husband can get some sort of redress from the War
+Office.
+
+       ***
+
+All the main-line railways are to be electrified, Sir ERIC GEDDES told
+the House of Commons. Meanwhile he has successfully electrified all
+the old buffers.
+
+       ***
+
+A number of women are doing good work as mates on Medway sailing
+barges. The denial of the report that one of them recently looked at
+a Wapping policeman for five minutes on end without once repeating
+herself may be ascribed to professional jealousy.
+
+       ***
+
+"The small car," says a trade contemporary, "has come to stop." We can
+well believe it. It is an old habit.
+
+       ***
+
+It has been discovered that the new Education Act, which prohibits
+boys under twelve being worked for more than two hours on Sunday, may
+apply to choir-boys. A Commission, we understand, is to be called upon
+to decide finally whether they are really boys or just little demons.
+
+       ***
+
+A man who applied to the Bloomsbury County Court for relief against an
+eviction order stated that he could find no other suitable house, as
+he had nine children under fourteen years of age. His residential
+problem remains unsolved, but we understand, with regard to the other
+difficulty, that the Board of Works has offered to sell him a card
+index at considerably below cost.
+
+       ***
+
+"Bridegrooms," says a contemporary, "are discovering that weddings
+cost more." The growing practice among fathers-in-law of delivering
+their daughters "free at rail," instead of, as formerly, "from house
+to house," may have something to do with it.
+
+       ***
+
+"Ramsgate," says _The Daily Mail_, "is racing Margate in Thanet's
+reconstruction." At present Margate still claims to lead by one
+nigger and two winkle-barrows.
+
+       ***
+
+The Colorado Legislature has passed a resolution in favour of Irish
+independence. The remark attributed to Mr. A.J. BALFOUR, that he
+always thought Colorado was the name of a twopenny cigar, has failed
+to make the situation easier.
+
+       ***
+
+"A pupil at a West London 'out-of-work' school," says a news item,
+"daily attends his studies in an opera-hat." On being informed of this
+fact, Sir THOMAS BEECHAM is reported to have expressed the opinion
+that its significance was obvious.
+
+       ***
+
+President WILSON, it is announced, hopes to visit Scotland shortly for
+some golf. He believes that some adjustment of the dispute as to the
+respective merits of the running-up and pitch-and-stop methods of
+approach should be embodied in the Peace terms if international
+harmony is to be really secured.
+
+       ***
+
+Primroses and crocuses are blooming in North London. Pending an
+official announcement by _The Daily Mail_ people are requested to
+accept this as a preliminary Spring.
+
+       ***
+
+Concrete ships, says a Government official, can be made in moulds. But
+of course you must not forget to grease the tin.
+
+       ***
+
+A Sinn Feiner, arriving home in Crossgar, Co. Down, last week, had
+a very hearty welcome. Thirteen spectators and seven policemen were
+injured.
+
+       ***
+
+Many members of the Bar are greatly afraid that some learned judge
+will ask, "What is the Jazz-step?" before the question has really been
+settled by the dancers themselves.
+
+       ***
+
+The young lady who, on receiving a proposal of marriage over the
+telephone last week, replied, "Yes, who's speaking?" turns out to be
+an ex-typist recently demobilised from the Air Ministry.
+
+       ***
+
+It is interesting to note that to-day is the anniversary of the day
+that was not a Flag-day last year.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER SEX-PROBLEM.
+
+    "Information Wanted as to the whereabouts of James ---- (nee Liza
+    ----), ship agent. Last heard of 30 years ago."--_Glasgow Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRELIMINARY DOVE: ITS PROSPECTS.
+
+  Within a little week or two,
+    So all our sanguine prints declare,
+  The Dove (or Bird of Peace) is due
+    To spread its wings and take the air,
+      Like Mr. THOMAS when he flew
+      Across the firmamental blue
+      To join the PREMIER in communion
+      Touching the Railway Workers' Union.
+
+  We've waited many a weary week
+    With bulging eyes and fevered brow,
+  While WILSON pressed upon its beak
+    His League-of-Nations' olive bough,
+      Wondering what amount of weight
+      Its efforts could negotiate,
+      How much, in fact, the bird would stand
+      Without collapsing on the land.
+
+  And, even though it should contrive
+    To keep its pinions on the flap,
+  And by a _tour de force_ survive
+    This devastating handicap,
+      Yet are there perils in the skies
+      Whereon we blandly shut our eyes,
+      But which are bound to be incurred,
+      And, notably, the Bolshy-bird.
+
+  This brand of vulture, most obscene,
+    May have designs upon the Dove;
+  Its carrion taste was never keen
+    On the Millennial reign of Love;
+      And I, for one, am stiff with fear
+      About our little friend's career,
+      Lest that disgusting fowl should maul
+      And eat it, olive-branch and all.
+
+  I mention this to mark the quaint
+    Notion of "Peace" the public has,
+  That wants to smear the Town with paint,
+    To whoop and jubilate and jazz;
+      And while our flappers beat the floor
+      There's Russia soaked in seas of gore,
+      And LENIN waxing beastly fat;
+      Nobody seems to think of that.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PERFECTLY UNAUTHENTIC ANECDOTES.
+
+_which may be reproduced (with the permission of Mr. Punch) in any
+forthcoming volume of Anybody's Reminiscences_.
+
+"You do things so sketchily and casually," said FRITH to WHISTLER one
+day. "Now when I paint a picture I take pains. 'The Derby Day' cost me
+weeks and months of sleeplessness. I did nothing else; I gave my whole
+mind to it." "Oh," said WHISTLER, "that's where it's gone to, is it?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When Mr. BERNARD SHAW made his tour of the ports in order to
+popularise Socialism in the Navy, he was courteously received at
+Portsmouth by Sir HEDWORTH MEUX. The talk happened to turn on the
+theatre, and the Admiral was candid enough to confess himself somewhat
+at sea with regard to the merits of contemporary writers. "Now, Mr.
+SHAW," he said in his breezy way, "I wish you would tell me who is the
+most eminent of the playwrights of to-day?" "Ay, ay, Sir," said Mr.
+SHAW promptly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Dr. Brotherton told me that he was once with MATTHEW ARNOLD in an
+election crowd at Oxford, when the Professor of Poetry accidentally
+collided with a working-man flown with Radicalism and beer. "Go to
+blazes!" said the proletarian. "My friend," replied ARNOLD, "we are
+well met. In me you see the official representative of Literature,
+whereas you, I perceive, stand for Dogma."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mrs. Brown of Newquay, who claims to be the original _Mrs.
+Partington_, told me that SYDNEY SMITH'S last years were overclouded
+by his inability to discover the riddle to which the answer is
+contained in the words, "The one rode a horse and the other rode a
+dendron."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Probably few people remember a Nottinghamshire poet of an earlier
+day who fulfilled with much conscientiousness the duties of local
+laureate. It was the age of Notts's pre-eminence in cricket, and that,
+with other reasons, inspired the bard to write some verses which
+opened with the line, "Is there a county to compare with Notts?" The
+county of Derby was jealous of its neighbour in other things besides
+sport, and considered itself to have scored when its own tame minstrel
+retorted with a parody ending:--
+
+    "Is there a county to compare with Notts?
+                                       Lots!"
+
+Unfortunately the thing was catching, and other counties did their
+best to follow suit, though with considerable difficulty as to rhymes.
+I think it was a singer of Tavistock who won the laurels. After
+disposing of an adjacent rival with the contemptuous jingle,
+"Dorset--Curse it!" he wound up:--
+
+  "Is there a country to compare with Devon?
+                                    Heaven!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Lady Crownderby once told me that she was among the first to see Lord
+HOUGHTON on his return from Spain, and she asked him what he thought
+of Spanish women in comparison with those of our own country. "My dear
+lady," replied HOUGHTON, "I feel like LOT when he escaped from the
+Cities of the Plain."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At a dinner given in honour of her nephew's appointment to a Rural
+Deanery, Mrs. Hinkson-Hanksey told me that she once rallied DISRAELI
+on his lack of religious profession, saying how much it compromised
+him in the eyes of many of his fellow-countrymen in comparison with
+his great rival. "My dear lady," said DISRAELI, "you are aware that
+the New Testament divides all men into two categories. Without
+specifying the class to which I personally belong, I am quite willing
+to admit that Mr. GLADSTONE is a sheep and possesses many of the
+characteristics of that admirable animal."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When I was at Hawarden in the summer of 1893, little DOROTHY DREW
+asked her grandfather for the loan of a book "to press flowers in."
+It is a process, as readers may know, not good for the book, and I
+thought the illustrious statesman and bibliophile looked a little
+embarrassed. But his face cleared in a moment, and he went out of the
+room and presently returned with a sufficient volume, in which the
+flowers were duly laid, the book being then, with the united efforts
+of the company, subjected to the necessary pressure under a heavy
+cabinet. Anxious to know which volume of his beloved library Mr.
+GLADSTONE had selected for desecration, I took an early opportunity
+of furtively examining the title of the tortured tome. It was
+_Coningsby_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY.
+
+    "Councillor ----'s son will be married to the eldest daughter of
+    Councillor ----. The members of the Corporation are invited to the
+    suspicious event."--_Local Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DISTRACTIONS OF AN INDISPENSABLE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sergeant_. "Now, ME LAD, A SUIT OF MUFTI OR FORTY-FIVE
+SHILLINGS?" _Tommy_. "OO, LUMME! I'LL PAY THE FINE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GALLERY PLAY.
+
+
+It wasn't till Panmore noticed its absence on his return from France
+that I remembered the little oil painting which I had left at the
+Ferndale Gallery on sale or return, during the early days of the War,
+when my financial outlook was bad.
+
+Panmore said he had always wanted to buy it, but hadn't liked to ask
+me if I would part with it. I assured him that excess even of delicacy
+was a mistake and that I would try to get the picture back.
+
+So I wrote to the Gallery thus:--
+
+    DEAR SIRS (it seemed absurd to write "Dear Gallery"),--In 1914 or
+    1915 I brought you a small oil painting, which you agreed to sell
+    or return to me. As I haven't heard from you since, I conclude
+    that there has been nothing doing in such pictures and I should
+    like to have it back. The picture is quite a small one, about the
+    size of an ordinary book, and so far as I recollect it portrays
+    a man looking at a horse, to see if its withers stand where they
+    did; or perhaps wondering whether he would sell it and buy a
+    scooter. As a matter of fact I never took particular notice of the
+    picture, not caring for it, but a friend of mine who knows it well
+    appears interested in it and wants to buy it. So please let me
+    have it back as soon as possible.
+
+    Yours faithfully,
+
+    THEOPHILUS B. PIPER-CARY.
+
+    P.S.--By the way, there's a cow, I remember, in the background; a
+    red one. Not a red background; a red cow.
+
+This was the answer I received:--
+
+    DEAR SIR,--In reply to yours of the 13th inst., we remember your
+    visit, but cannot trace having such a picture as you describe in
+    our possession at present. We believe you dealt with our Mr. James
+    Langford, who joined up in May, 1915, and is not yet demobilised.
+    He is in Egypt at the moment, we understand, and we are afraid it
+    would take some time to get into communication with him.
+
+    We shall be glad if under the circumstances you will allow the
+    matter to rest until his return.
+
+    In any case we are afraid we cannot hold ourselves responsible for
+    the picture, unless you can produce a receipt from us proving that
+    it reached us.
+
+    We are, Yours obediently,
+
+    _pp_. THE FERNDALE GALLERY.
+
+    J.S.
+
+The last paragraph in their letter gave me the impression that they
+knew they had the picture but had mislaid it. Meanwhile Panmore seemed
+so hot on it and I was so badly hit by the War that I thought I would
+have another shot at recovering it. So I addressed the Gallery as
+follows:--
+
+    DEAR SIRS,--Thanks for your letter, and in reply I should be
+    obliged if you could get another search party out. I have found
+    a receipt for the picture, signed with a name that might, if
+    straightened out, be James Langford.
+
+    My friend is getting quite excited about it, and he is the sort
+    of person one wants to humour. He is a Lieut.-Colonel, an O.B.E.,
+    and, what is more important still, one of the feoffees of
+    Buckley's Hospital (a fifteenth-century foundation here), and
+    whatever a feoffee may be he is not the kind of man to toy with in
+    a small town like this.
+
+    I forgot to mention that there is an inn on the left of the
+    picture, and a girl coming out of it carrying, perhaps, a
+    bran-mash for the horse or some Government dope for the man, and
+    there are some hens, all fully regardant and expectant, at her
+    feet.
+
+    Hoping to hear in the course of a post or two that you have found
+    the painting,
+
+    I am, Yours anxiously,
+
+    THEOPHILUS B. PIPER-CARY.
+
+    P.S.--Don't forget there's a cow in the background; a red cow.
+
+Three days later I received a picture (not mine) from the Gallery with
+this letter:--
+
+    DEAR SIR,--After a most exhaustive search we have found and send
+    herewith what we believe to be your picture, though it does not
+    quite answer to your description. It is, however, the only one of
+    which we do not appear to have any record.
+
+    Our Mr. Langford seems likely to be abroad for some months, so
+    unless you will accept this picture in settlement of the matter we
+    do not see any present way out of the difficulty.
+
+    Confident that, if it is not yours, it is at least just as good,
+    we trust that you will agree to cry quits.
+
+    We are, Yours obediently,
+
+    _pp._ THE FERNDALE GALLERY.
+
+    J.S.
+
+Why they should feel sure it was just as good, unless they remembered
+my picture, wasn't very clear, but evidently the receipt had put the
+wind up them, and I wrote and accepted the substitute at once, because
+Panmore liked it better even than the original picture. He said it was
+an Alken and gave me far more than I would have thought of asking for
+it, or for the original one.
+
+About a week after selling it I received this wire from the Gallery:--
+
+    Please return painting sent in error. Very valuable Alken. Have
+    customer.
+
+    FERNDALE.
+
+"Diamond cut diamond," I said to myself. And I replied thus:--
+
+    DEAR SIRS,--I received your wire, but regret that I cannot comply
+    with your request. Firstly, because I have already accepted the
+    picture which you regarded as mine or its equivalent, in place of
+    the one that was mine and is now yours; and, secondly, because my
+    friend the feoffee has already bought it, the one that was yours
+    and is now mine, or rather his (you know what I mean, don't you?),
+    and I haven't the heart to ask him to return it.
+
+    Perhaps yours (the one that is now yours and was mine before),
+    being the equivalent of the one that was yours and is now mine (or
+    rather the feoffee's), would suit your client. I can only suggest
+    your having another look for it; the matter so far as I am
+    concerned is at an end. Yours faithfully,
+
+    THEOPHILUS B. PIPER-CARY.
+
+    P.S.--You'll know it when you find it. There's a red cow in the
+    background.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sentence of Mike Ancon, found guilty of housekeeping, was
+    postponed yesterday afternoon."--_Manitoba Free Press._
+
+This species of crime is almost extinct in England.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE "HESITATION" WALTZ.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE RISING EGG.
+
+Whatever may be the decline in the price of eggs their social
+movement is clearly upwards. The following passage from _The Croydon
+Advertiser_ gives an admirable life-history of the egg, from shell to
+profit-sharing:--
+
+    "Eggs will be dated and graded and sold accordingly, and as soon
+    as they have done laying fattened for table purposes, also young
+    cockerels. They will be killed and plucked, and the feathers will
+    be sorted and sold in the best markets. So you see they will
+    receive full market price for their produce; then if they are
+    shareholders they will receive a further profit in the difference
+    between the cost and the selling, also the very big amounts
+    received for the skins and the feathers."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL.
+
+_Oldest Inhabitant._ "I NEVER EXPECTED TO LIVE TILL THE END OF THE
+WAR, MA'AM; BUT NOW I'M HOPING TO BE SPARED TO SEE THE BEGINNING OF
+THE NEXT ONE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHOICE BOOKS OF THE WEEK.
+
+THE NEW PARIS SKETCH-BOOK; OR, THE FIRST FIFTY THOUSAND.
+
+By GLADYS FLAPPERTON, O.B.E., Author of _Peace and Plenty of It._
+
+This charming volume describes in detail the delightful Parisian
+holiday which has been provided by the Government under the best
+possible conditions for young ladies with (and without) a knowledge of
+typewriting.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_TIGER LILY,
+
+A POEM IN FOURTEEN SPASMS._
+
+By WOODROW WILSON.
+
+Affectionately dedicated to M. CLEMENCEAU.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HISTORY OF FREDERICK THE GREAT.
+
+BY HAROLD SMITH, M.P.
+
+("England's Harold.")
+
+With an Introduction by the LORD CHANCELLOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+O SMILLIE, WE HAVE MISSED YOU, AND OTHER LYRICS.
+
+Highly recommended by Messrs. MUDIE and SANKEY (the Author).
+
+Copies of this beautiful work have been accepted by several mining
+royalties.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GEDDES BIOGRAPHICAL DICTIONARY.
+
+Publication of the Second Volume (AUC--ERIC).
+
+It is hoped to complete in twelve handsome volumes this the first
+attempt to record and codify the achievements and services of the
+GEDDES family in the Great War.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WASTEWARD HO!
+
+A ROMANCE OF CIPPENHAM.
+
+With an Introductory Apologia by Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEXT WAR.
+
+    ["As the result of a conference called by the War Office it has
+    been decided to wage a war of annihilation against the warble-fly.
+    It is hoped that by means of concerted action through the country
+    this pestilent insect, so injurious to the hides of horses and
+    cattle, may be completely stamped out."    _Daily Paper._]
+
+  The warble-fly, the warble-fly
+  Is absolutely doomed to die.
+  They've summoned all the General Staff,
+  There's going to be a mighty "strafe,"
+  And soon the land from shore to shore
+  Will echo with the din of war,
+  As armed hosts with martial cries
+  Descend upon the warble-flies.
+
+  We've got the shells, we've got the guns
+  (The same that overwhelmed the Huns),
+  And, what is more, we've got the Man;
+  With WINSTON riding in the van
+  I do not think there's any doubt
+  That we shall put the foe to rout,
+  And, scorning peace by compromise,
+  Annihilate the warble-flies.
+
+  In tranquil peace the gentle beeves
+  Shall chew their cud through summer eves;
+  No more shall that alarming warble
+  Affright the calm of heifer or bull,
+  And send them snorting round the croft
+  With eyes of fear and tails aloft.
+  Till every warble-fly be floored
+  Whitehall will _never_ sheathe the sword.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Growth of Impropriety.
+
+    "Her hair is always exquisitely dressed, and her shoes in perfect
+    shape. No more in the way of dress is required of any woman."
+
+    _Daily Mirror._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "PROPOSED IMPROVEMENT OF A DANGEROUS CORONER."
+
+    _Headline in Provincial Paper._
+
+The best plan, possibly, would be to get the jury to sit on him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NEWSPAPER HEADINGS POPULARLY ILLUSTRATED.
+
+"INFLUENZA MICROBE DISCOVERED AT A LONDON HOSPITAL."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. BLOGGINS'S STATEMENT.
+
+It is not too much to say that bed-making circles in Cambridge have
+been agitated to their utmost depths by the recent advent of some
+hundreds of American youths who have come to pursue certain courses
+of study within the University walls. Let us make one thing perfectly
+clear. Bed-makers do not object to Americans as Americans, but this
+avalanche of Transatlantics arrives on the very eve of the vacation,
+just when the bed-makers are packing off the contingent of young Naval
+officers who have been making things hum during the past term.
+
+Persuaded that their too-brief holidays will be entirely absorbed in
+attending to the Americans, the bed-makers urge with some justice that
+they too are entitled to enjoy the beautiful things of this enchanting
+world quite as much as miners and railway-men. We understand that
+meetings of their Association are being held, and that the University
+authorities are faced by a situation which is rapidly passing beyond
+their control. Bed-makers are amongst the most loyal members of the
+community, but they feel, as a prominent member of the profession
+put it, that "the last camel breaks the straw's back," and they are
+determined to uphold their immemorial rights.
+
+We have thought it our duty therefore to interview the celebrated Mrs.
+Bloggins, the _doyenne_ of the Corps of Bed-makers of Trinity College.
+We found the lady in her home in Paradise Walk, where she was engaged
+in eating some excellent buttered toast. We lost no time in explaining
+the purport of our visit.
+
+"We desire to know, Mrs. Bloggins," we began, "what your feelings are
+with regard to the Americans."
+
+"Ah," said Mrs. Bloggins, speaking with deep emotion, "you may well
+call 'em Americans, for I've never bin so troubled about anythink
+before. Some people seem to git the notion into their 'eads that
+bed-makers do no work. Why we're arst to slave from mornin' till
+night, and our pay is paltry. Things in Cambridge isn't like what they
+was. Time was when our young gentlemen used to 'ave big dinners
+in their rooms, and a careful bed-maker could save a bone or two.
+Nowadays they,'re only cheese-parers, that's what I call 'em. You
+won't believe me, I know, but my mother, who was a bed-maker afore me,
+used to 'ave a month at the seaside every year, all paid for out of
+money give to 'er by 'er young gentlemen. To be sure there was a
+wrangler, or somethink of that kind, who didn't come up to the mark,
+so she soon got rid of 'im; 'e used to find 'is butter was took by the
+cat, and accidents of that kind.
+
+"Mind yer," she continued, "I ain't got nothink to say against the
+Americans. They may be the most liberal-'earted gentlemen in the world
+for all I know. But it's the principle of the thing I'm objectin' to.
+It's a case of kill me quick or cure me to-morrow, and if President
+WILSON was to talk till next week 'e couldn't make it no different.
+You can't make a silk sock out of a side of bacon, and that's true
+whichever way you look at it."
+
+"But what steps," we urged, "does your Association intend to take,
+Mrs. Bloggins, over this matter?"
+
+"I don't know nothink about no 'sociations," said Mrs. Bloggins, "but
+I do know that we're all in it, and Mrs. Pledger and Mrs. 'Uggins, and
+the rest of 'em, we knows our power and we intends to use it."
+
+"In what way do you mean?" I said.
+
+She looked at me cunningly.
+
+"Now you're spyin'. It's dirty work and I won't 'ave it 'ere. You
+might be the Proctor hisself for all I cares--you're not going to
+ferret nothink out of me."
+
+Hereupon she rose with great dignity and plainly indicated that the
+interview was at an end.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    La Haute Cuisine.
+
+    "Cook; French; age 38; wages L25-L30 week."--_Morning Post._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE DEATH.
+
+    [According to the papers, two Frenchmen have agreed to fight a
+    duel in aeroplanes.]
+
+"Cauliflower!" shrieked Gaspard Volauvent across the little table in
+the _estaminet_. His face bristled with rage.
+
+"Serpent!" replied Jacques Rissolo, bristling with equal dexterity.
+
+The two stout little men glared ferociously at each other. Then
+Jacques picked up his glass and poured the wine of the country over
+his friend's head.
+
+"Drown, serpent!" he said magnificently. He beckoned to the waiter.
+"Another bottle," he said. "My friend has drunk all this."
+
+Gaspard removed the wine from his whiskers with the local paper and
+leant over the table towards Jacques.
+
+"This must be wiped out in blood," he said slowly. "You understand?"
+
+"Perfectly," replied the other. "The only question is whose."
+
+"Name your weapons," said Gaspard Volauvent grandly.
+
+"Aeroplanes," replied Jacques Rissole after a moment's thought.
+
+"Bah! I cannot fly."
+
+"Then I win," said Jacques simply.
+
+The other looked at him in astonishment.
+
+"What! You fly?"
+
+"No; but I can learn."
+
+"Then I will learn too," said Gaspard with dignity. "We meet--in six
+months?"
+
+"Good." Jacques pointed to the ceiling. "Say three thousand feet up."
+
+"Three thousand four hundred," said Gaspard for the sake of
+disagreeing.
+
+"After all, that is for our seconds to arrange. My friend Epinard of
+the Roullens Aerodrome will act for me. He will also instruct me how
+to bring serpents to the ground."
+
+"With the idea of cleansing the sky of cauliflowers," said Gaspard, "I
+shall proceed to the flying-ground at Dormancourt; Blanchaille, the
+instructor there, will receive your friend."
+
+He bowed and walked out.
+
+Details were soon settled. On a date six months ahead the two
+combatants would meet three thousand two hundred feet above the little
+town in which they lived, and fight to the death. In the event of both
+crashing, the one who crashed last would be deemed the victor. It was
+Gaspard's second who insisted on this clause; Gaspard himself felt
+that it did not matter.
+
+The first month of instruction went by. At the end of it Jacques
+Rissole had only one hope. It was that when he crashed he should crash
+on some of Gaspard's family. Gaspard had no hope, but one consolation.
+It was that no crash could involve his stomach, which he invariably
+left behind him as soon as the aeroplane rose.
+
+At the end of the second month Gaspard wrote to Jacques.
+
+"My friend," he wrote, "the hatred of you which I nurse in my bosom,
+and which fills me with the desire to purge you from the sky, is in
+danger of being transferred to my instructor. Let us therefore meet
+and renew our enmity."
+
+Jacques Rissole wrote back to Gaspard.
+
+"My enemy," he wrote, "there is nobody in the whole of the Roullens
+aerodrome whom I do not detest with a detestation beside which my
+hatred for you seems as maudlin adoration. This is notwithstanding the
+fact that I make the most marvellous progress in the art of flying. It
+is merely something in their faces which annoys me. Let me therefore
+see yours again, in the hope that it will make me think more kindly of
+theirs."
+
+They met, poured wine over each other and parted. After another month
+the need of a further stimulant was felt. They met again, and agreed
+to insult each other weekly.
+
+On the last day of his training Gaspard spoke seriously to his
+instructor.
+
+"You see that I make nothing of it," he said. "My thoughts are ever
+with the stomach that I leave behind. Not once have I been in a
+position to take control. How then can I fight? My friend, I arrange
+it all. You shall take my place."
+
+"Is that quite fair to Rissole?" asked Blanchaille doubtfully.
+
+"Do not think that I want you to hurt him. That is not necessary. He
+will hurt himself. Keep out of his way until he has finished with
+himself, and then fly back here. It is easy."
+
+It seemed the best way; indeed the only way. Gaspard Volauvent could
+never get to the _rendezvous_ alone, and it would be fatal to his
+honour if Jacques arrived there and found nobody to meet him.
+Reluctantly Blanchaille agreed.
+
+At the appointed hour Gaspard put his head cautiously out of his
+bedroom window and gazed up into the heavens. He saw two aeroplanes
+straight above him. At the thought that he might have been in one of
+them he shuddered violently. Indeed he felt so unwell that the need
+for some slight restorative became pressing. He tripped off to the
+_estaminet_.
+
+It was empty save for one table. Gaspard walked towards it, hoping
+for a little conversation. The occupant lowered the newspaper from in
+front of his face and looked up.
+
+It was too much for Gaspard.
+
+"Coward!" he shrieked.
+
+Jacques, who had been just going to say the same thing, hastily
+substituted "Serpent!"
+
+"I know you," cried Gaspard. "You send your instructor up in your
+place. Poltroon!"
+
+Jacques picked up his glass and poured the wine of the country over
+his friend's head.
+
+"Drown, serpent," he said magnificently. He beckoned to the waiter.
+"Another bottle," he said. "My friend has drunk all this."
+
+Gaspard removed the wine from his whiskers with Jacques' paper and
+leant over him.
+
+"This must be wiped out in blood," he said slowly. "Name your
+weapons."
+
+"Submarines," said Jacques after a moment's thought.
+
+A.A.M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SWANS OF YPRES.
+
+  Ypres was once a weaving town,
+  Where merchants jostled up and down
+    And merry shuttles used to ply;
+  On the looms the fleeces were
+  Brought from the mart at Winchester,
+    And silver flax from Burgundy.
+
+  Who is weaving there to-night?
+  Only the moon, whose shuttle white
+    Makes silver warp on dyke and pond;
+  Her hands fling veils of lily-woof
+  On riven spire and open roof
+    And on the haggard marsh beyond.
+
+  No happy ghosts or fairies haunt
+  The ancient city, huddling gaunt,
+    Where waggons crawl with anxious wheel
+  And o'er the marshland desolate
+  Win slowly to the battered gate
+    That Flemings call the Gate of Lille.
+
+  Yet by some wonder it befalls
+  That, where the lonely outer walls
+    Brood in the silent pool below,
+  Among the sedges of the moat,
+  Like lilies furled, the two swans float;
+    "The Swans of Ypres" men call them now.
+
+  They have heard guns and many men
+  Come and depart and come again,
+    They have seen strange disastrous things,
+  When fire and fume rolled o'er their nest;
+  But changeless and aloof they rest,
+    The Swans of Ypres, with folded wings.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Will Treasury notes ever be displaced by boxes of chocolates?
+    "--_Daily Paper_.
+
+Certainly. Ours often are.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the report of the Committee on the Staffing of Government Offices
+we gather that there has been a good deal of overflapping.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRANSPORT FACILITIES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress._ "OH, JANE, HOW DID YOU DO THAT?"
+
+_Maid._ "I'M VERY SORRY, MUM; I WAS ACCIDENTALLY DUSTING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SCHLOSS BILLET.
+
+We had not expected much of a billet in a defeated and starving
+country; that was probably why everybody was enthusiastic over it--at
+first. I, as billeting officer, was especially proud of having
+discovered it. The very thing for Brigade Headquarters--secluded,
+dignified, commanding and spacious.
+
+A couple of kilos from the gates through the drive brings you to
+the Schloss. Entering a hall about the size of a modern theatre you
+journey to the ante-room, a vast apartment, which for space compares
+favourably with the Coliseum at Rome. A world-exhibition of pictures
+and tapestries covers the walls of the Schloss, while an acre or two
+of painted ceiling shows the chief events of German history, from the
+Creation to the Franco-Prussian War.
+
+In the Dining-room, reached by a progress over carpets and rugs
+representative of all the best periods of Oriental art, it would
+be fairly easy to stage a review on the table itself; while in the
+Music-room a hundred or so lorries could be parked without attracting
+observation too glaringly. Should the need arise, the Library could
+accommodate a battalion on parade, a rifle range or sufficient
+office room for Q branch of a division. A labyrinth of corridors and
+servants' bedrooms harbours the rank and file, and it is said that the
+number of kitchens, pantries and cellars in the north and east wings
+runs into three figures.
+
+The Divisional Commander called it "homely"; the Corps Commander
+remarked that its style was "not cramped, anyhow--what?" and the Army
+Commander pronounced it very "cosy."
+
+The first two days I did not see my servant at all. On Wednesday he
+turned up just before lunch. On Monday and Tuesday, he explained, he
+had wandered through corridors and passages trying to find my room,
+and, by rising an hour before _reveille_, he thought he would be able
+to get from his quarters to mine by about breakfast-time.
+
+We used to adjourn to the billiard-room after dinner, but gave it up
+because it was necessary to stop play at half-past ten in order to be
+in bed by midnight. Signals is worried because he has not enough line
+left to reach Battalions, all available supplies having been used up
+in connecting the General's room with various parts of the Schloss.
+We are continually late for dinner owing to errors in judging the
+distances from one room to another. Our once happy family has
+dissolved into silent morose individuals, for we have grown strange
+and distant to one another. Liaison between departments has broken
+down, and the Staff-Captain whom I saw yesterday in the distance is
+suffering from premature decay.
+
+But a solution has been found, for the Engineers are unloading a
+couple of Nissen huts to put up in the hall, and we shall soon be a
+united family once more.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The surveyor said that as things were at present he had little
+    or no authority over the men who, for the most part, simply
+    considered him his equal."--_Trade Paper._
+
+If he doesn't take a stronger line the men will consider him his
+inferior.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a short story:--
+
+    "She was a slip of a thing, with the sort of eyes that go well
+    with curly long lashes--if they are blue, as hers were."--_Weekly
+    Paper._
+
+Our local _coiffeur_ only stocks the old-fashioned peroxide.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OVERWEIGHTED.
+
+PRESIDENT WILSON. "HERE'S YOUR OLIVE BRANCH. NOW GET BUSY." DOVE OF
+PEACE. "OF COURSE I WANT TO PLEASE EVERYBODY; BUT ISN'T THIS A BIT
+THICK?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE STRENUOUS LIFE.
+
+BEFORE TAKING OFFICE ALL MEMBERS IN FUTURE WILL HAVE TO PASS A TEST OF
+THEIR ABILITY TO SUSTAIN A PROLONGED FLIGHT, FIVE THOUSAND FEET UP, AT
+A HUNDRED-AND-SEVENTY MILES AN HOUR.]
+
+_Monday, March 17th_.--Mr. GEORGE TERRELL, always a little inclined to
+look upon the black side of things, was apprehensive about the spread
+of Bolshevism in this country. Not so Lord HENRY BENTINCK, who
+genially exploded with "Is not Bolshevism in this country a pure
+bogey?" Not quite that, perhaps; but I gathered that in Mr. BONAR
+LAW'S opinion it hasn't a ghost of a chance.
+
+Great cheers from the Wee Frees greeted the advent of Mr. A.E.
+NEWBOULD, the victor of West Leyton, whose defeat of the Coalition
+candidate has increased the size of their party by something like four
+per cent. As the new Member is understood to be connected with the
+film business his colleagues are hoping that they will soon have
+Ministers on the "movies."
+
+We know on high authority that evil communications corrupt good
+manners. Sir ERIC GEDDES goes further and believes that they corrupt
+everything. That was the text of his capital speech on the second
+reading of the Transportation Bill. Dispensing on this occasion with
+his usual typescript, he discoursed at large for an hour and a-half on
+the paralytic condition of our railways, roads, canals and docks.
+
+We all had our pleasant morning dreams, he said, but they usually
+disappeared after we had had our cold bath; and the country, which was
+no longer rich, but poor, must take its douche. His own dream is of a
+beautifully centralised control, directing all our traffic agencies
+(save tramways and shipping) into the most convenient channels; and he
+won't be happy till he gets it. But judging by some of the speeches
+that followed he too may have a frigid disillusionment when the Bill
+comes up against the "interests" in Committee. Mr. T.P. O'CONNOR,
+on behalf of Liverpool, described it as the product of "an old
+bureaucracy and a young Parliamentarian," and Mr. RENWICK declared
+that, if it passed, the Manchester Ship Canal would be "between
+the devil and the deep sea," surely an uncalled-for attack on
+Cottonopolis.
+
+Upon the adjournment, Col. CLAUDE LOWTHER again raised the question of
+the payment of German indemnities, and Mr. BONAR LAW again declared
+that the policy of the Government was to demand the largest amount
+that Germany could pay, but not to demand what we knew she couldn't
+pay. It would have saved him a lot of trouble if at the General
+Election the Government spokesmen had insisted as much upon the second
+half of the policy as they did upon the first.
+
+_Tuesday, March 18th_.--GILBERT'S fanciful description of the "most
+susceptible Chancellor" is justified by the way in which the present
+occupant of the Woolsack and his predecessors vie with one another in
+the endeavour to secure the favour of the fair sex. Today it was
+Lord HALDANE'S turn to oblige, and he brought in a Bill to enable
+Scotswomen to become Advocates and Law Agents. Lord HALSBURY'S
+contribution to the work of feminine emancipation has not yet been
+announced. The rumour that a deputation of ladies recently approached
+him with a proposal that they should be eligible for judicial
+office--"Scarlet and ermine are _so_ becoming"--and that he put them
+off with the old joke about there being "enough old women on the Bench
+already" is, of course, apocryphal.
+
+Not infrequently in the official reports of the Lords' debates a
+speech begins thus: "Lord ---- (_who was indistinctly heard_)." The
+Commons' report might well adopt this salutary practice as a warning
+to Members who persistently mumble, or who address their remarks to
+the body of the House instead of to the SPEAKER. Ministers are the
+worst offenders. One of them was asked this afternoon, for example,
+whether the Judicial Adviser to the SULTAN had discouraged the use of
+the English language in the Egyptian Courts, but all we could hear of
+the _sotto voce_ conversation between him and his interrogator was
+that "er--er--language--er--had--been--er--er--misunderstood."
+
+Some savages, travellers tell us, are unable to count beyond five.
+Some Ministers, on the other hand, show an inability to reckon except
+in millions. Mr. CHURCHILL, when asked how many soldiers were not
+receiving the recent increase of pay, remarked casually that the
+numbers were "not so very great--half-a-million would cover them."
+Happily these "sloppy statistics" (to recall a phrase used by Mr.
+ASQUITH during the Tariff Reform controversy) do not appeal to the
+FOOD-CONTROLLER. He, being invited to say whether the Government had
+made "approximately L2,400,000" by the charge on cattle-sales, replied
+that the amount was "approximately" L3,449,939; and we felt that he
+was cut to the heart at not being able to give the odd shillings and
+pence.
+
+The renewed debate on the Transportation Bill revealed a good deal
+of opposition. Roadmen thought it an excellent project for railways;
+railwayman were all in favour of its being applied to docks; and
+dockmen had no objection to its being tried on the roads. But none of
+them wanted it for his own particular interest. Sir EDWARD CARSON'S
+objections were both particular and general. Belfast would be ruined
+if its port were controlled by "a nest of politicians" in Dublin, but
+apart from that he doubted whether the promised economies would
+be realised in any direction. Ministers were "gluttons for
+centralisation," and would, he prophesied, incur the usual fate of
+gluttons, acute indigestion.
+
+Mr. BONAR LAW, while admitting that he himself would not have voted
+for the Bill five years ago, declared that the War had made it
+essential. That seemed to be the general opinion, for the second
+reading was agreed to without a division.
+
+_Wednesday, March 19th_.--Lord MALMESBURY, who has lately been the
+victim of a burglary, attributed it to housebreakers having been
+demobilised before policemen. Whether this was done on the ground that
+they conducted "one man businesses," or because someone in Whitehall
+assumed that the wielders of the centre-bit must be "pivotal," I do
+not know, but an Army Order requiring Commanding Officers to keep
+the balance even between criminals and coppers seems to be urgently
+needed.
+
+The Bishops were delighted to hear from Lord ERNLE that his department
+includes a Hop-Controller, and are going to ask him to turn his
+attention to the Jazz.
+
+Museums could not be opened just yet, said Lord STANMORE, because some
+eight thousand officials of various departments were at present lodged
+in these buildings. To judge by the comments of the public Press,
+there are several hundreds more who ought to be kept there.
+
+_Thursday, March 20th_.--Lord WINTERTON wanted to know what the
+Government was doing to counteract Mr. BERNARD SHAW'S alleged
+anti-British propaganda in the United States. Mr. CECIL HARMSWORTH
+thought Professor OMAN'S recent memorandum would prove a sufficient
+counterblast. He had, however, no objection to adding Mr. SHAW'S
+latest pamphlet to "the large budget of Shavian literature" already at
+the Foreign Office, where, it is said, the clerks on night-duty like
+to beguile their leisure with light fiction.
+
+Late in the evening Mr. BONAR LAW announced the intentions of the
+Government with regard to the coal industry. It would adopt Mr.
+Justice SANKEY'S report, giving the men a large portion of their
+demands. If the miners still persisted in striking--well, the State
+would strike too, with all its might; otherwise there was an end of
+government in this country. The cheers which greeted this statement
+seriously annoyed Mr. JACK JONES, who sits for Silvertown, and
+maintains the explosive reputation of his constituency.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CROWN OF OLD KING COAL.
+
+TRYING IT ON.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CROSSING-SWEEPER.
+
+  Five years ago he swept the snow,
+  Or the mud, or the dust or the leaves that blow,
+    Or stood at the corner "dossing";
+  Picking up rubbish and dangerous rind
+  That careless people had left behind,
+        He swept the crossing.
+
+  And still he sweeps and clears the way
+  In blizzard and mist and soaking spray,
+    Out on the Channel tossing;
+  Picking up mines of a devilish kind
+  That unscrupulous people have left behind,
+        He sweeps the crossing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "COAL STRIKE POPSTONED."
+
+    _Provincial Paper_.
+
+Much the best thing to do with it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DRAMATISTS TO THE RESCUE.
+
+In view of the theory developed by the Ministry of Reconstruction's
+Sub-Committee on Organisation and Conditions of Domestic Service,
+that "the attitude adopted by the Press and the Stage is usually an
+unfortunate one, as servants are frequently represented as comic or
+flippant characters, and are held up to ridicule," a meeting of our
+leading dramatists was hastily convened last evening by Lady
+HEADFORT (who, it will be remembered, is all for calling her maids
+"Home-birds") to engage their sympathetic co-operation in aid of
+mistresses, housekeepers and employers generally. What the stage
+has taken away the stage must give back: that is Lady HEADFORT'S
+contention. Not that the domestic problem will even then be settled;
+there will probably still be difficulty in persuading W.A.A.C.s and
+Land Women and Munitioners who have tasted blood to descend below
+stairs again; but perhaps a little help will be forthcoming. Hence
+this influential gathering.
+
+Sir SQUIRE BANCROFT, who presided, said that the domestic problem
+was one of great seriousness. Personally he rarely descended to the
+servants' hall, but he did not pretend to be unaware of the usefulness
+of such regions and of our dependence upon them. There must be give
+and take. If the stage had been guilty of too much levity in its
+portraiture of domestic servants, then, in the interests of all of us,
+it must make what our lively neighbours call the _amende honorable_.
+
+Sir JAMES BARRIE said that no one could hold him personally to blame.
+His plays had always exhibited domestic servants in a most favourable
+light. Not only was a butler the hero of _The Admirable Crichton_, a
+maidservant the heroine of _A Kiss for Cinderella_ and a charwoman the
+heroine of _The Old Lady Shows Her Medals_, but the actual authorship
+of _Peter Pan_ was given to the smallest nursemaid on record.
+
+Mr. SOMERSET MAUGHAM also claimed to be on the side of the home-birds.
+Had he not in _Smith_ written a part of strong parlour-maid interest
+for Miss MARIE LOeHR?
+
+Mr. G.B. SHAW said that there was no need for the meeting at all,
+because he was just putting the finishing touches to a witty drama
+which would settle the whole question. In this play, which, he could
+tell them on the best authority in the world, his own, was a work of
+surpassing genius, the Irish Question, which had baffled statesmen and
+philosophers for centuries, is settled once and for all by the wisdom
+and presence of mind of a Kerry kitchenmaid.
+
+The Chairman said that perhaps the meeting might as well proceed with
+its discussion, since there was always the possibility that the run
+of Mr. SHAW'S play might not equal that of his last, which, he
+understood, had just been produced in New York and had come off almost
+at once.
+
+Mr. HENRY ARTHUR JONES said that if any branch of art could effect
+social transformations it was the drama. Personally he looked upon the
+stage as only one degree less powerful than the Senate and vastly more
+serious than the Church. Its first duty was to instruct, elevate and
+reform; to amuse was never its true function. Hence, if the dramatists
+of the country cared to take up the task of remedying the servant
+shortage, the matter would be quickly settled. But only, added the
+speaker with extreme gravity, if the authors of the pernicious rubbish
+known as _revue_ were first gagged and bound.
+
+Mr. MAX PEMBERTON said that, although he had given up _revue_ writing
+in favour of transforming farcical plays, he felt that he might make
+an appeal to the authors of _revue_ (who often exceeded the audience
+in number) to join in this very laudable campaign. Speaking as one of
+the two-and-twenty Hippodromios, although no longer in that capacity,
+he would appeal to his successors to paint life below stairs in such
+resplendent hues that the desire instantly to take service would be
+implanted in every female bosom.
+
+Mr. ALFRED SUTRO, speaking at the moment not so much as a dramatist as
+a man without a cook, said that he agreed heartily with the sentiments
+of the gentleman who had just sat down.
+
+Sir ARTHUR WING PINERO said that he was always willing to help worthy
+causes and was as ready to write a play for the object in view as, not
+long since, he had been to write one to encourage economy. But it was
+useless unless the company chosen would co-operate. The dramatist did
+not stand alone. So long as the ordinary stage idea of a parlourmaid
+was a saucy nymph with a feather brush and very short skirts, so long
+would dramatists strive in vain to exalt her calling. He was prepared
+to do his best, but feared that the actors' traditions would prove too
+strong.
+
+Mr. WALTER MELVILLE said that he hoped nothing would be done to tamper
+with such traditions as Sir ARTHUR complained of. It was the duty of a
+stage servant to begin plays and to be funny. The curtain of a farce
+should rise on a butler and a parlourmaid remarking on the fact that
+master was suspiciously late last night; and the butler should be
+amorous, bibulous and peculative, and the parlourmaid coy and trim.
+Similarly, footmen should be haughty and drop their aitches, cooks
+short-tempered, red and fat, and office-boys knowing and cheeky. The
+public expected it, and the public ought to have it because the public
+paid.
+
+There being no further remarks, the meeting dispersed, the various
+speakers returning sadly home to perform the household duties.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "EX-KAISER TO PAP THE PENALTY."
+
+    _Sunday Paper_.
+
+We always feared he would get off with a soft punishment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:_Docker_ (_by way of concluding a heated argument with
+Scotsman_). "WELL, GO UP THERE, THEN, AN' TALK TO YOUR BLINKIN'
+SCOTCH PALS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR POPULAR GUIDES.
+
+    "HOW INFLUENZA MAY BE SPREAD."
+
+    _Headline in a Daily Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A correspondent writes: "It may interest you to know that I recently
+received the following statement from a provincial branch of a
+floor-cloth company:--
+
+    'Owing to some of the principal ingredients used in the
+    manufacture of floor coverings having been taken over by the
+    Ministry of Food, the price of the material is again advanced.'
+
+Have you noticed it at all in your soup?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HOUSE-HUNTER
+
+Unless something is done for Higgins without delay the nation must
+prepare to face a tremendous rise in the rate of mortality among
+house-agents.
+
+Soon after he came back from the War he began to adopt a threatening
+attitude (as the police-court witnesses say) towards these gentlemen.
+Recently he has gone beyond the threatening stage. If rumour can be
+trusted, he has thrown at least six of them through their office
+windows. He has taken a dislike to the whole tribe. They are, in his
+opinion, a gang of criminals for whom no punishment could be too
+severe, because they impose upon the public in general and Higgins in
+particular, by continuing in business as if they were in a position to
+let houses when, as a matter of fact, there are no houses for them to
+let.
+
+Higgins wants a house. Yes, incredible though it may sound, this man,
+who for years has been content to dwell in a dug-out or consort with
+creeping things in the confines of a canvas tent, and even on occasion
+make his bed beneath the starry dome of heaven, with nothing in
+between, has now developed a craving for a residence built of bricks
+and mortar.
+
+What is more, he expects the house-agents to find it for him, and,
+since he considers the whole thing from the purely personal point of
+view, their excuses for failing to do so are of no avail. The fact
+that half a million other people want houses is nothing to him. He
+ignores it. He believes that the house-agentry of the country has
+hatched a gigantic conspiracy to keep him, Higgins, out of a home.
+
+I have done _my_ best to put him out of his misery. After seeing the
+poor wretch wear himself (and his boots) out in useless journeying to
+and from the places where house-agents pretend to work I thought of a
+scheme--not strictly original--for obtaining a house and presented it
+to him without hope of reward.
+
+"You are committing and error," I said.
+
+"I shall commit a murder in a minute," he growled but, knowing what he
+had suffered, I took no notice of the threat.
+
+"Listen," I said; "all the habitable houses in England are occupied
+and it will be years before the new ones are built. The painting of
+"TO LET" boards has become a lost art. You are wasting your time in
+looking for an _empty_ dwelling. Take my advice. Choose one that is
+occupied, any one you fancy, and empty it."
+
+At this point he interpolated an offensive expression with which I was
+not familiar before I joined the army, but I overlooked that also.
+
+"You think it is impossible, but you are wrong," I told him. "This
+scheme is bound to succeed. All you have to do is to haunt the house.
+You do not eject the tenant yourself. You conjure up a ghost to do it
+for you."
+
+"The devil!"
+
+"No--not necessarily. An ordinary ghost will do."
+
+"But, my dear good fool, how in Hades or out of it can I produce a
+ghost?"
+
+"Easily. By _suggestion_. That is the secret. This is an age of
+suggestion. Doctors are curing patients by suggestion. Politicians
+hypnotise the public by suggestion. And you can frighten the present
+occupants out of your chosen home by suggestion. No real ghost
+is required. Having selected the house you pay a call and lay
+ground-bait, so to speak. You tell the tenant you are interested in
+the place because you happen to know that at one time it was haunted.
+You relate a gruesome tale of some mysterious tragedy that you say has
+occurred there, and generally make your victim's flesh creep.
+
+"He or she, a woman for choice, will probably laugh at first. Never
+mind. Allow a few days for the idea to sink in, and then call again.
+It is a hundred to one that you will hear that strange manifestations
+have been observed. After that it will be plain sailing. You will
+continue to call, always supplying fresh suggestion, until at last,
+thoroughly unnerved, the tenant will bolt, probably taking refuge in
+a hotel. That will be your chance. Snatch the place up at once, and
+there you are."
+
+For the first time since he was demobilised, Higgins smiled.
+
+"By Heavens!" he said, "I'll try it. There's a little place at Croydon
+which would be a perfect billet. I will pay my first visit at once."
+
+He sauntered away, proclaiming in song the satisfactory condition of
+rose-culture in Picardy.
+
+Yesterday he came back.
+
+His face was grim. There was a light in his eye which I did not like.
+He made no mention of roses blooming in Picardy or anywhere else.
+
+"How is the scheme working?" I asked. "Have you called on the Croydon
+gentleman?"
+
+"I have," he answered; "and when I had laid the blessed ground-bait,
+as you call it, he told me he always did think there was a ghost about
+the place, and he was delighted to have his theory confirmed. He wants
+more details now. He invites me to furnish evidence. What for, you
+ask? Well, you see, he happens to be an active member of the Society
+for Psychical Research."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Polite Stranger (during the busy hour on the
+Underground_). "WON'T YOU SHARE MY HANDLE, MADAM?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SILLY SEASONING.
+
+The strange case of the halibut and the cormorant, recently reported
+in the daily Press, has brought us a budget of interesting letters,
+from which we select the following as agreeable evidence of the return
+of normal conditions in the fish-story-telling industry:--
+
+_Gullane, N.B._
+
+    Dear Sir,--One of the most striking results of the War has been
+    its effect on the mentality of birds and animals and even fishes.
+    The papers have lately contained accounts of a halibut which
+    swallowed a cormorant and survived the exploit only to fall a
+    victim to the wiles of a North Sea fisherman. As the cormorant
+    is generally regarded to be the _dernier cri_ in voracity, the
+    incident illustrates the old saying of the biter bit. As a rule
+    birds of prey have the upper hand in their contests with the
+    finny denizens of the deep. But the triumph of the halibut is not
+    altogether unprecedented. I remember, when I was cruising in the
+    China Seas in the year 1854, witnessing a combat between a dolphin
+    and a Bombay duck, in which the latter came off second-best. And
+    some thirty years later, during a yachting excursion off the
+    Scilly Isles, I saw an even more remarkable duel between a
+    porbeagle--as the Cornish people call the mackerel-shark--and a
+    pipit, in which, strange to relate, the bird came off victorious.
+
+    Believe me to be, Sir,
+
+    Yours truthfully,
+
+    CONSTANTINE PHIBSON.
+
+
+    _Tara, Diddlebury_.
+
+    DEAR SIR,--When I was an undergraduate at Cambridge in the
+    'sixties a "Limerick" was current which began as follows:--
+
+      "There was an adventurous sole
+      Which swallowed an albatross whole."
+
+    Unfortunately I cannot remember the conclusion of the stanza, nor
+    am I able to state whether it was founded on fact or was merely an
+    ebullition of lyrical fancy. In the latter case the lines are
+    a striking instance of the prophetic power of minstrelsy, and
+    justify the use of the word "_vates_," or seer, as applied to
+    poets by the ancient Romans.
+
+    I have the honour to be, Sir,
+
+    Yours faithfully,
+
+    SEPTIMUS BOWLONG.
+
+
+    _Rougemont Villa, Crookhaven._
+
+    DEAR SIR,--The halibut-cormorant episode has attracted undue
+    attention, since many similar but far more extraordinary incidents
+    have occurred during the War, but have passed unrecorded owing
+    to the claims of Bellona. I will confine myself to one which was
+    witnessed by my daughter Anna in course of bathing at Sheringham
+    in August, 1917. While swimming underwater she collided with a
+    middle-sized sea-serpent, which was evidently in difficulties and
+    made its way to the beach, where it expired. The post-mortem,
+    which was conducted by Professor Darcy Johnson, F.R.S., revealed
+    that the serpent had been choked by a gigantic gooseberry, which
+    had formed part of the cargo of a Greenland tramp torpedoed by an
+    enemy submarine. The serpent was actually being stuffed when a
+    bomb dropped by a Zeppelin blew it into infinitesimal smithereens,
+    to the profound disappointment of the Professor and my daughter
+    Anna, who has never been quite the same woman since. Permit me to
+    subscribe myself
+
+    Yours faithfully,
+
+    ALEXANDER NIAS.
+
+
+    _Steep Hill, Cramlington._
+
+    DEAR SIR,--There is nothing surprising in the story of a halibut
+    devouring a cormorant. As you will see from consulting _Murray_,
+    halibut means "holy-butt" (or flat-fish), and holy fishes are
+    possessed of magical powers. When I lived on the coast of Florida
+    I had a tame tarpon, which could swallow anything--croquet balls,
+    door scrapers--and once ate an entire cottage pianoforte in
+    half-an-hour. Here I may add that in my travels in Turkestan I was
+    attacked by a boa-constrictor, and, though I escaped with my life,
+    it proceeded to swallow the Bactrian camel on which I was riding.
+    On the following day, however, when the boa was still in a
+    comatose condition, I killed it with a boomerang, rescued the
+    camel and continued my journey without further mishap.
+
+    I am, Sir, Yours veraciously,
+
+    ANDREW MERRIMAN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady Driver (just joined)_. "OH, SERGEANT, I HOPE I
+SHAN'T UPSET MY FIRST PASSENGER!"
+
+_Sergeant (A.S.C., M.T.)._ "PASSENGER, MISS! DON'T LET THAT WORRY YOU.
+PLENTY MORE PASSENGERS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SIX-HOUR DAY.
+
+AN ANTICIPATION.
+
+    ["If the husband's hours are reduced to six that gives the wife a
+    chance. The home and the children are as much his as hers. With
+    his enlarged leisure he will now be able to take a fair share in
+    home duties."
+
+    _Mrs. WILL CROOKS_.]
+
+  Jock Mackay was a lusty soul;
+  He earned his livelihood winning coal;
+  Black with grime, all huddled and bent,
+  A third of his life in the pit he spent;
+  A third he slept and a third he slacked
+  Training the whippet his fancy backed,
+  Or talking strikes with a fervent zest
+  In the bar of the neighbouring "Miners' Rest."
+
+  Jean Mackay was his wife; her day
+  Started or ever the dawn was grey;
+  She lit the fire, she shook the mats,
+  She frizzled the bacon and dressed the brats,
+  She darned and mended, she made the beds,
+  She combed the tugs in the tousled heads,
+  She knitted the socks, she washed and baked
+  Till every bone in her body ached;
+  She toiled and moiled in a non-stop fight
+  From six in the morning till ten at night.
+
+  But there dawned a day when Jock Mackay
+  Came home from the mine with a dancing eye
+  And a laugh in his heart, and he cried out, "Jean,
+  'Tis the grandest day that the warl' has seen!
+  The lads are a' cheerin' and rinnin' fey,
+  For the Government's gien us the sax-hour day."
+
+  Jean stopped scrubbing. "Is't true?" said she;
+  "I wish ye luck. But bide a wee.
+  Noo that the battle is owre an' done,
+  What will ye dae wi' the hours ye've won?"
+
+  "What will I dae wi' them? What I like.
+  I'll tak' a bit turn wi' my wee bit tyke,
+  Or call for a crack wi' the lads at the "Rest,"
+  And mebbe I micht tak' a drap, if pressed."
+
+  "That's a' vera weel, but bide a bit.
+  Ye work sax hours a day in your pit,
+  But I'd hae ye to bear in mind," said Jean,
+  "While ye work sax I work saxteen."
+
+  Jock scratched his head. "Ay, lass, that's sae.
+  Aweel, an' what would ye hae me dae?"
+
+  "Fair does," she answered; "it's only fair
+  That ye should be takin' your ain just share,
+  An' help me in keepin' the hame for a spell
+  In the extry hours that ye've got to yoursel',
+  Sae, while I'm scrubbin' the floor," she said,
+  "Ye micht be pittin' the bairns tae bed."
+  Jock laughed. "I doot there's somethin' in it;
+  I'll stairt on my duties this verra minute."
+
+  A week went by: Jock learnt to scrub,
+  He gave the bairns their Saturday tub,
+  He made the beds, he blacked the grates,
+  He washed up saucers and cups and plates,
+  He cleaned and polished, he boiled and baked
+  Till every bone in his body ached.
+
+  Around the neighbourhood rumour flew;
+  Soon every wife in the village knew
+  That Jock, when his spell in the pit was done,
+  Was cook, nurse, parlourmaid rolled into one;
+  And every wife she vowed that her man
+  Should be trained on the same super-excellent plan.
+         *       *       *       *       *
+  Behold these lusty miners all
+  Fettered fast in domestic thrall,
+  Scrubbing, rubbing, baking bread,
+  Busy with scissors and needle and thread,
+  Spreading the brats their bread and jam,
+  Trundling them out in the morning pram,
+  Washing their pinafores clean and white
+  And tucking them up in their cots at night.
+         *       *       *       *       *
+  Ask me not--for I cannot tell,
+  I can only guess--how the end befell:
+  A wifely word, an angry scowl,
+  A bit of a grumble, a bit of a growl,
+  A scolding here, a squabbling there,
+  And here the sound of an ugly swear,
+  A cry of despair from the sore opprest,
+  A secret call to the "Miners' Rest,"
+  A sudden revolt from the brooms and mats,
+  And a roar from a thousand throats--"Down brats!"
+         *       *       *       *       *
+  "What--striking again?" you cry, aghast.
+  Nay, friend, cheer up, for the worst is past;
+  A glint of blue may be seen through the grey--
+  _They are asking again for an eight-hour day_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DISCIPLINARIAN.
+
+Saluting is rapidly becoming a thing of the past, even among
+British-born soldiers. Dating from the Armistice, it has lapsed more
+and more, until now it is practically extinct.
+
+Now I regard this as serious. I have ever been a stickler for
+discipline, and consequently I dislike it when men pass by--not, like
+the Levite, on the other side--but close to me without so much as a
+click of the eyeballs.
+
+So I decided that I as a disciplinarian would make a stand against it;
+I would keep my eyes open for any particularly flagrant case. When I
+found it I intended to let myself go. I promised myself an agreeable
+ten minutes--or longer, if I got properly worked up.
+
+My chance came the other day. I was strolling down Regent Street when
+three N.C.O.'s, including a sergeant, passed me. They did not salute.
+I might have been a civilian for all the notice they took of me. Ha!
+my hour had come.
+
+Turning, I hastened after them.
+
+"Sergeant, a word."
+
+They stopped and the Sergeant asked if I was speaking to him.
+
+"Have you ever heard of the little word 'Sir,' Sergeant?" I asked
+severely. "Evidently not. However I pass over that. But a moment ago
+you went by me without saluting. Deliberately--inexcusably. I was as
+close to you as I am now."
+
+"But how--" began the Sergeant.
+
+"Not a word," I cut him short. "Not a word. You know perfectly well
+that you have neglected your duty grossly. Now tell me. Is it your own
+idea to drop saluting, or has Mr. CHURCHILL had a word in your ear?"
+(Sarcasm is my strong point.)
+
+"But look here--" said the Sergeant, rather red in the face.
+
+"Do not interrupt," I thundered, warming to my work. "How, I ask,
+do you expect the ordinary soldier to salute when _you_ slink past
+officers--you, who ought to be a shining example? Now I am going to
+report--"
+
+Something in the Sergeant's eye, which seemed to be travelling over my
+person generally, made me suddenly glance down at myself, and it was
+then that, horror-struck, I realised that I was wearing for the first
+time my new ten-guinea suit.
+
+As I faded away the Sergeant clicked his heels and saluted smartly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE STRUGGLE FOR LIFE.
+
+    "Lady will exchange clothing, self, little girl, for farm butter,
+    eggs, jam."--_The Lady_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Infuriated Italian (who has recently purchased a
+British Army horse)._ "FAIR WORDS DID I SPEAK HIM, SAYING, 'PEDRO,
+AVANTI PIANISSIMO,' AND--BEHOLD!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_
+
+_Within The Rim_ (COLLINS) is, I suppose, the last of the posthumous
+volumes of Mr. HENRY JAMES. It is a short book, produced with the
+beauty that I have already grown to associate with the imprint of its
+publishers, and containing five occasional pieces. Of these the first,
+which gives its title to the whole, is the most considerable: an essay
+of very moving poignancy, telling the emotion of the writer during
+the earliest months of the War, in "the most beautiful English summer
+conceivable," months that he "was to spend so much of in looking over
+from the old rampart of a little high-perched Sussex town at the
+bright blue streak of the Channel ... and staring at the bright mystery
+beyond the rim of the farthest opaline reach." In the thoughts to
+which HENRY JAMES here gives expression one may find much of the love
+and sympathy for this country that subsequently led to that assumption
+of British citizenship which he intended as their demonstration to the
+world. Of interest also in this same paper is the revelation of a mind
+that knew already by a personal experience (of the American Civil War)
+"what immensities our affair would carry in its bosom--a knowledge
+that flattered me by its hint of immunity from illusion." I would not
+be understood that this is a volume for the casual reader, or even for
+one desirous of making a first acquaintance with the Master, since
+much of it exemplifies not only the beauty but the perplexities of
+his later style; but it is certainly one which his disciples will not
+willingly be without.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Notebooks of a Spinster Lady_ (CASSELL) is smallish talk about
+biggish wigs of the Victorian era, but not on that sole account to be
+condemned. Perhaps rather wholesome as showing how little distant we
+are from an age of government of the people by superior people for
+superior people. The notebooks cover the years 1878-1903, but the
+anecdotes have a much wider range, are often indeed of a venerable
+antiquity. The lady of the notebooks was not, I fancy, of a critical
+temper, and versions not too credible of well-known _contes_ figure in
+her quiet kindly pages. There are moreover stories which I should not
+hesitate to describe as of an appalling banality if they were not
+concerned with such very nice people. On the whole I don't think it
+quite fair to the spinster lady to have published her notes. They may
+well have been painstaking jottings to provide material for polite
+conversation and have sounded much better than they read in cold
+print. For myself the real heroine of the book is _Maria_, the poet's
+wife, who, on being waked and adjured by her spouse to get up and
+strike a light for that he had just thought of a good word, replied
+in un-Victorian mood, "Get up yourself! I have just thought of a bad
+one."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Love--on Leave_ (PEARSON) is the sufficiently expressive title that
+Miss JESSIE POPE has chosen for a small book of little courtship
+tales. You never saw a volume of its size, more packed with love,
+which is shown leaping walls, laughing at locksmiths and generally
+making the world go round in its proverbial fashion. The pace of the
+revolutions may be found a little disconcerting. You will perhaps be
+inclined to amend the title and call the collection "Love on _Short_
+Leave," to mark the regularity with which the respective heroes and
+heroines fall into each others' arms at the end of every dozen pages
+or so. As a matter of fact, the incident that is to my mind the best
+of the bunch is an exception to this rule of osculation--a happily
+imagined little comedy of a young wife who thought to avoid the visit
+of a tiresome sister-in-law by betaking herself for the night to
+the branches of a spreading beech. Whether in actual life this is a
+probable course of conduct need not exercise your mind; at least not
+enough to prevent your enjoyment of her arboreal adventure, which
+comes, as I say, with the more freshness as a break in what might else
+be a surfeit of proposals. In effect, a gallant little florin's
+worth of _fiancailles_; though, if you wish to avoid feeling like a
+matrimonial agency, you will be well-advised to take it by instalments
+rather than in bulk.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Among the pacific warriors in the great 1914-18 struggle there is
+probably none who did better work, often under conditions of the
+gravest peril, than Mr. G.M. TREVELYAN for the Red Cross in Italy.
+Disqualified both by age and health from joining the army of attack,
+he threw himself into the task--a labour of love--of tending the
+sick and wounded of that country which he knows so well and of whose
+greatest modern hero he is the classic biographer. That the eulogist
+of GARIBALDI should hasten to the succour of Italian soldiers was
+fitting, and how well he performed the task the records of the Villa
+Trenta Hospital, near Udine, and of the ambulance drivers under his
+command, abundantly tell. The story of this beneficent campaign and of
+much besides is told with too much modesty by Mr. TREVELYAN himself,
+in a book entitled _Scenes from Italy's War_ (JACK), which gives a
+series of the vividest impressions of the Italian effort, and is
+remarkable for the best analysis that I have yet seen of the causes
+that led to the disaster of Caporetto. The pages in which Mr.
+TREVELYAN paints the portrait of a typical Italian soldier, home sick
+and perplexed, are likely to be borrowed by many more pretentious
+historians of the War for years to come.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. JOHN HARGRAVE, the author and illustrator of _The Great War Brings
+It Home_ (CONSTABLE) has already a wide reputation in the world
+of Scouts, gained not only by his enthusiasm but by his profound
+knowledge of scout-craft. Here he tells us very plainly that the War
+has brought home to us the fact that, if we are to make good our
+losses in the ranks of the young and the fit, we have got to give our
+children a better chance of living healthy, wholesome lives. He urges
+the need of more outdoor education and as many open-air camps as
+possible, and shows that, if we are to carry out such a scheme as he
+lays in detail before us, scoutmasters and still more scoutmasters are
+wanted. With reason he complains that none of these good fellows is
+paid one halfpenny, and that nearly all of them are young men who have
+to get a living. "Offer them," he says, "a living wage and how gladly
+would they become national scoutmasters in charge of national camps."
+You may, if you are on the look-out for it, find much that will seem
+fantastic in Mr. HARGRAVE'S ideas; his appeal, however, is not to
+those of us who, even in a case of great national urgency, cannot get
+away from the tyranny of convention. Intrinsically his idea is sound,
+and I plead with all my heart for a fair consideration of his schemes
+and for help in their development.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. REX BEACH is one of the few prolific writers whose stories
+increase in power as they increase in number, and this though they are
+essentially novels of action rather than novels of thought. Of his
+latest effort, _The Winds of Chance_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), one may
+say that there is not a tedious page in it. The scene is laid in
+Yukon, a very vortex of life and colour and excitement in fiction,
+whatever it may seem to the actual inhabitants. The true hero of the
+story, _Napoleon Doret_, the French voyageur, wins his heart's desire
+in the end and we breathe a sigh of relief. The other hero is left
+the accepted swain of the daughter of the Colonel of the North-West
+Mounted Police at Dawson, and this we find a little hard to swallow,
+seeing what shady, not to say immoral, company, male and female, he
+had just been basking in. He is a weak creature and certainly should
+have married the _Countess Courteau_, an Amazonian lady, who would
+have kept him in order. But that is to be fastidious. The story is
+crisp and vivid, and, anyway, those ancient prospectors, _Tom Linton_
+and _Jerry McQuirk_, are worth twice the money.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Punch has great pleasure in commending to his readers two volumes
+of verse--_Rhymes of the Red Ensign_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), by Miss
+C. FOX SMITH, and _The Poets in Picardy_ (MURRAY), by Major E. DE
+STEIN--in which they will recognise many poems that have appeared in
+his pages.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Master_. "BUT, JENKINS, THE NAME OF THE COMPLAINT IS
+NOT PEWMONIA. SURELY YOU'VE HEARD ME AGAIN AND AGAIN SAY 'PNEUMONIA'?"
+
+_Man_. "WELL, SIR, I 'AVE; BUT I DIDN'T LIKE TO CORRECT YOU."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO SOLVE THE FOOD PROBLEM.
+
+    "Superior Working Housekeeper and young Maid for Ladies' College.
+    No cooking; students sleep only."--_Church Times_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.
+
+    "The interesting announcement is made that a regular air service
+    for perishable goods and passengers is to be established at
+    Edinburgh."--_Scotsman_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The London season has begun with its usual extensive programme of
+    religious services in various London churches."--_Scots Paper_.
+
+The best comment that we have yet seen on this statement occurs in the
+following (also from a Scots paper):--
+
+    "The Commander-in-Chief has borne testimony on behalf of the Grand
+    Fleet to the work that the Scittish Bishops have done for the Navy
+    during the War."
+
+
+END.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Punch, Volume 156, 26 March 1919, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOLUME 156, 26 MARCH 1919 ***
+
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