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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11225 ***
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+
+VOL. 156.
+
+
+
+January 22, 1919.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+The huge waterspout observed off Guernsey last week "travelling
+towards France" is believed to have been making for the Peace
+Conference.
+
+       ***
+
+The Captain of a Wilson liner on being torpedoed ate his pocket-book
+to prevent his sailing instructions from falling into the hands of the
+Germans. The report that the ex-Kaiser has whiled away the time at
+Amerongen by chewing up three copies of the German White Book and one
+of Prince LICHNOWSKY'S Memoirs is probably a variant of this story.
+
+       ***
+
+"Our chief hope of control of influenza," writes Sir ARTHUR NEWSHOLME
+of the Local Government Board, "lies in further investigation."
+Persons who insist upon having influenza between now and Easter will
+do so at their own risk.
+
+       ***
+
+Writing to a provincial paper a correspondent asks when Mr. PHILIP
+SNOWDEN was born. Other people are content to ask "Why?"
+
+       ***
+
+"We think it prudent to speak with moderation on all subjects," says
+_The Morning Post_. There now!
+
+       ***
+
+We mentioned last week the startling rumour that a Civil Servant had
+been seen running, and a satisfactory explanation has now been issued.
+It appears that the gentleman in question was going off duty.
+
+       ***
+
+According to the _Malin_, the Bavarian PREMIER told a newspaper man
+that the Bavarian revolution cost exactly eighteen shillings. This
+seems to lend colour to the rumour that Dr. EISNER picked this
+revolution up second-hand in Russia.
+
+       ***
+
+"Springfield and Napsbury Lunatic Asylums," says a news item, "are to
+be known in future as mental hospitals." Government institutions which
+have hitherto borne that title will in the future be known simply as
+"Departments."
+
+       ***
+
+A German sailor, who is described as "twenty-seven, 6 ft. 9½ in.,"
+has escaped from Dorchester camp. A reward has been offered for
+information leading to the recapture of any part of him.
+
+       ***
+
+The servant question is admittedly acute, but whether sufficiently
+so to justify the attitude of a contemporary, which deals with the
+subject under the sinister title, "Maxims for Mistresses," is open to
+doubt.
+
+       ***
+
+The case of the North Country workman who voluntarily abandoned his
+unemployment grant in order to take a job is attributed to a morbid
+craze for notoriety.
+
+       ***
+
+As a result of the engineers' strike and the failure of the heating
+apparatus, we understand that Government officials in Whitehall have
+spent several sleepless days.
+
+       ***
+
+We gather that the mine reported to have been washed up at Bognor
+turns out to be an obsolete 1914 pork pie--but fortunately the pin
+had been removed.
+
+       ***
+
+_The Daily Express_ tells us that a crowd of new monkeys have arrived
+at the Zoo. We are pleased to note this, because several of the
+monkeys there were certainly the worse for wear.
+
+       ***
+
+A contemporary anticipates a boom in very light motor cars at a
+hundred and thirty pounds each. They are said to be just the thing
+to carry in the tool-box in case of a breakdown.
+
+       ***
+
+A sensation has been caused in Scotland, says _The National News_, by
+the passing of a number of counterfeit Treasury notes. As we go to
+press we learn that most of the victims are going on as well as can be
+expected, though recovery is naturally slow.
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. WILLIAM LE QUEUX is said to be very much annoyed at the wicked way
+in which Russia has been appropriated by other writers.
+
+       ***
+
+Much regret is felt at the news that the recent outbreak of Jazz music
+is not to be dealt with at the Peace Conference.
+
+       ***
+
+Is gallantry dying out? We ask because _Tit Bits_ has an article
+entitled, "Women Burglars." We may be old-fashioned, but surely it
+should be "Lady Burglars."
+
+       ***
+
+On the last day for investing in National War Bonds, a patriotic
+subaltern was heard at Cox's asking if his overdraft could be
+transferred to these securities.
+
+       ***
+
+"The market price of radium to-day," says a Continental journal,
+"is £345,000 an ounce." In order to avert waste and deterioration,
+purchasers are advised to store the stuff in barrels in a large dry
+cellar.
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. Punch does not wish to boast unduly of his unique qualities, but
+up to the time of going to press he had made no offer for Drury Lane
+Theatre.
+
+       ***
+
+In view of the recent newspaper articles on spiritualism, several
+prominent persons are about to announce that they have decided not
+to grant any interviews after death.
+
+       ***
+
+Liverpool Licensing Justices have urged the Liquor Control Board to
+take steps to prevent the drinking of methylated spirits by women. It
+is suggested that distillers should be compelled to give their whisky
+a distinctive flavour.
+
+       ***
+
+"A box of cigarettes was all that burglars took from the Theatre
+Royal, Aldershot," says a news item. There is something magnificently
+arrogant about that "all."
+
+       ***
+
+"Saying 'Thank you' to a customer," says a news item, "a Wallasey
+butcher fell unconscious." In our neighbourhood it used to be, until
+quite lately, the customer who fell unconscious.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "NOW LOOK HERE, SIMPKINS--I CAN'T HAVE MY CHIEF CASHIER
+TURNING UP LIKE THIS. IT'S A DISGRACE TO THE OFFICE."
+
+"WELL, SIR, I STARTED ALL RIGHT, BUT I CAME BY TUBE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CAREER.
+
+My dear James,--Ere long the military machine will be able to spare
+one of its cogs--myself. Yes, James, soon you will once again see
+me in my silk hat, cerise fancy vest and brown boots (among other
+garments). I think I shall have brass buttons on all my coats for the
+sheer joy of seeing them without let or hindrance grow green from
+lack of polish. I shall once again train my hair in graceful curling
+strands under (respectively) the south-east and south-west corners of
+my ears. If I meet my Brigadier in the street I shall notice him or
+not just according to my whim of the moment. But, James, I shall have
+to work for my living. There's the rub.
+
+I must say the Army tries to help one. Somebody or other has issued
+a whole schedule of civil occupations to assist me in my choice of a
+career. It offers an embarrassment of riches.
+
+Take the "A's." I was momentarily attracted by _Air Balloon Maker_.
+It sounds a joyous job. Think of the delight of sending forth these
+delicate nothings inflated and perfect. My only fear is that I should
+destroy the fruits of my own labour. One touch of my rough hands
+is always inimical to an air-balloon. And if you know of any more
+depressing sight than a collapsed air-balloon, all moist and incapable
+of resurrection, for heaven's sake keep it to yourself.
+
+_Allowance Man_ (_brewing_) sounds hopeful. My only question is: Does
+an _Allowance Man_ (_brewing_) fix his own allowance (brewed)?
+
+Am I slightly knock-kneed or am I not? Do write me frankly on the
+subject. You have seen me divested of trousers. Because if I am then
+I don't think I will try my luck as an _Artist's Model_.
+
+_Athlete_.--Ha! I feel my biceps and find it not so soft. It's
+a wearing life, though. Is there such a thing as an _Athlete_
+(_indoor_)? You know my speed and agility at Ludo.
+
+I flatter myself I have musical taste, but _Back and Belly Maker_
+(_piano_) I consider vulgar--almost indecent, in fact. Such anatomical
+intimacy with the piano would destroy for me the bewitchment of the
+Moonlight Sonata.
+
+There is something very alluring about _Bank Note Printer_. I see
+the chance of continuing the Army trick of making a living without
+working for it. Surely a _Bank Note Printer_ is allowed his little
+perquisites. Why should he print millions of bank notes for other
+people and none for himself? I can imagine an ill-used _Bank Note
+Printer_ very easily becoming a Bolshevist.
+
+_Barb Maker_ (_wire_) I do not like. I have too many unpleasant
+memories of the Somme. It is a hideous trade and ought to be abolished
+altogether.
+
+If I am wrong correct me, but isn't the prime function of a _Bargee_
+to swear incessantly? Not my forte, James. What you thought you heard
+that day in 1911, when I missed a six-inch putt, was only "Yam," which
+is a Thibetan expression meaning "How dreadfully unfortunate!" I knew
+a Major once--but that's for another article.
+
+Beneath the heading "Bat" I find _Bat Maker_ (_brick_) and _Bat
+Maker_ (_tennis_). Under which king, James? Anyway, I hate a man who
+talks about a "tennis bat." He would probably call football shorts
+"knickers."
+
+I am favourably inclined towards _Bathing Machine Attendant_ (why
+not _Bathing Mechanic_, for short?) What a grand affair to ride old
+Dobbin into the seething waves and pretend he was a sea-serpent!
+Confidentially, there are lots of people to whose bathing-machines
+I would give an extra push when I had unlimbered their vehicles and
+turned Dobbin's nose again towards the cliffs of Albion.
+
+My pleasure in stirring things with a ladle nearly decided me to train
+as a _Bean Boiler_; but I fear the monotony. Nothing but an endless
+succession of beans, with never a carrot to make a splash of colour
+nor an onion to scent the steamy air. And, James, I have a friend who
+is known to all and sundry as "The Old Bean." Every bean I was called
+upon to boil would remind me of him, whom I would not boil for worlds.
+
+Here is something extraordinarily attractive--_Black Pudding Maker_.
+You know black puddings. I am told that when you stew them (do not eat
+them cold, I implore you!) they give off ambrosial perfumes, and that
+after tasting one you would never again touch _pèche Melba_. But as a
+_Black Pudding Maker_ should I become nauseated?
+
+Almost next door comes _Blood Collector_. Wait while I question the
+Mess Cook ... James, I cannot become a Black Pudding maker. The Mess
+Cook tells me that _Blood Collector_ and _Black Pudding Maker_ are
+probably allied trades. How dreadful!
+
+How about _Bobber?_ Does that mean that I should have to shear my
+wife's silken tresses? Cousin Phyllis has appeared with a tomboy's
+shock of hair, and she says it "has only been bobbed." By a "bobber"?
+I would like to wring his neck. But if _Bobber_ has something to do
+with those jolly little things that dance about on cotton machines
+(aren't they called "bobbins"?) I will consider it.
+
+I have not even finished the "B's." A glance ahead and other
+enchanting vistas are revealed. For instance, _Desiccated Soup Maker,
+Filbert Grower_ and (simply) _Retired_.
+
+This Schedule is splendid in its way, but why can't they be honest?
+They must know that lots of us in our great national army are in
+ordinary life just rogues and vagabonds. The Schedule ignores such
+honest tradesmen. How is a respectable tramp to know when his group
+is called for demobilisation if he is not even given a group? What a
+nation of prigs and pretenders we are!
+
+Yours ever, WILLIAM.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_AUTRES TEMPS, AUTRES MOEURS._
+
+  My baker gives me chunks of bread--
+  He used to throw them at my head;
+  His manners, I rejoice to state,
+  Have very much improved of late.
+
+  My butcher was extremely gruff,
+  And sold me--oh, such horrid stuff;
+  But I observe, since Peace began,
+  Some traces of a better man.
+
+  I find my grocer hard to please
+  In little things like jam or cheese;
+  Now that the men are coming back
+  His scowl, I think, is not so black.
+
+  My coalman is a haughty prince
+  No tears could move or facts convince;
+  But tyrants topple everywhere
+  And he too wears a humbler air.
+
+  My milkman was a man of wrath
+  As he came down the garden path;
+  But, since the Hohenzollern fell,
+  I find him almost affable.
+
+  And what is this? My greengrocer
+  (A most determined character)
+  Approaches--'13 style--to say,
+  "What can I do for you to-day?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "GERMAN CONSTITUTION.
+
+    Bill Disposing of Old Prussia."
+
+    _Manchester Guardian_.
+
+Tit for tat; Prussia had already disposed of Old BILL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. Cecil Harmswirth has vacated his iffict in the 'gardtn
+    suburb' at 0. Downing Strtet."--_Daily Mail_.
+
+To the evident consternation of Carmelite Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'I am an A.B.C. girl,' said a passenger to _The Daily Mirror_,
+    'and have been eleven hours on my feet. If a get a seat in the
+    Dulwich omnibus, I shall have another hour's standing before I
+    get to my house.'"--_Daily Mirror_.
+
+It seems to be high time that the omnibus company adopted the railway
+regulation, "Passengers are requested not to put their feet on the
+seats, etc."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER.
+
+PUCK, R.A.F. (_to SHAKSPEARE_). "YOUR IDEA OF A GIRDLE ROUND ABOUT THE
+EARTH IN FORTY MINUTES IS A BIT TALL, BUT YOU BET YOUR IMMORTALITY WE
+SHALL GET AS NEAR IT AS WE CAN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+F. E.
+
+_A SIMPLE BIOGRAPHIC RECITATIVE BASED ON THE TONIC SOL-FA NOTE OF MI._
+
+In ante-bellum days, ah me, when I a stuffman used to be, and proudly
+pouched a junior's fee, the _Law List_ styled me "Smith, F.E." Oh,
+how my place seemed small for me; not that I scorned the stuffman's
+fee, but stuffy courts did not agree with me. I dearly longed to be
+respiring often, fresh and free, the breath that was the life of me,
+so I became a live M.P. And, lest the spacious H. of C. should fail to
+hold sufficiently the lot of air respired by me, said I, "A soldier
+I will be--not one of Foot (that's Infantry), nor yet the reg'lar
+Cavalry, for barrack-life will not suit me, yet ride I must the high
+gee-gee;" so I decided straight to be an officer of Yeomanry. Drilling
+the troopers on the lea, the vent I craved for gave to me. Moreover,
+on my high gee-gee I learned what galloping could be.
+
+Those back-bench days! Ah me, ah me, rude Members christened me "F.E."
+And even _Punch_, in kindly glee, once on a time, did picture me a
+prowling beast, beside the sea, all spotted o'er with signs, "F.E."
+That patronymic thus will be preserved for immortality. Newspapers,
+too, I chance to see sometimes apply that name to me.
+
+Although I found smart repartee, shot forth from back seats, gave me
+glee, still I aspired to climb the tree, so with restrained temerity
+I donned a gown of silk, i.e. became a fully-fledged K.C. Then, after
+able A.J.B. was shunted by his great party and A.B.L. assumed the see,
+the latter's finger beckoned me to face direct the enemy. Anon the
+KING created me a member of his own P.C.
+
+And then "the active life" for me, as Galloper to "Gen'ral" C.,
+the loyal Ulsterman, to free from acts of Irish devilry. I thanked
+"whatever gods may be" for training with the Yeomanry!
+
+Then came the war with Germany. Alas, again I sighed, "Ah me," and
+viewed the aspect gloomily, for I was then in apogee from all that
+mighty company that domineered the H. of C. A. ruled the roast, not
+A.J.B. But happy thought, that company of muddlers held one hope for
+me--my constant pal of Yeomanry, the smashing, dashing WINSTON C.;
+result--the Censorship for me. But not for long. The fresh and free
+and open air was calling me, so off I went across the sea to join the
+fighting soldiery. But soon there came a call for me, and back I came
+across the sea to be His Majesty's S.-G.
+
+What next was I? Eureka! "_The_ Right Hon. _Sir_ F.E. SMITH, K.C."
+
+Then came the storm. Sir EDWARD C. threw up his job and let in me,
+before I scarce could laugh, "He, he!" to be His Majesty's A.-G. That
+wasn't bad, I think, for me--a mild young man of forty-three!
+
+Next came "the quiet life" for me. I held my tongue, but drew my fee
+and eke my A.-G. salary. Not e'en the great calamity that overtook
+A.'s Ministry and raised the wizard, D.L.G., to offices of high degree
+disturbed my sweet serenity. Nor did I jib when Sir R.B. FINLAY took
+on unblushingly the job that seemed cut out for me. Unwilling _he_ his
+weird to dree! _I_ whispered, "Mum's the word for me!"
+
+Now, after waiting patiently, as fits a man of my degree, the Woolsack
+cries aloud for me, and soft and soothing it will be to my whole frame
+and dignity. And unto those who wish from me to know what will the
+ending be of my august biography, I answer in a minor key and classic
+language, "Wait and see!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRANSFORMATION.
+
+My house, which I am trying to let, is a modest little affair in
+the country. It has a small meadow to the south and the road to the
+north. There are some evergreens about the lawn. The kitchen garden
+is large but most indifferently tended; indeed it is partly through
+dissatisfaction with a slovenly gardener that I decided to leave. The
+nearest town is a mile distant; the nearest station two miles and a
+half. We have no light laid on except in a large room in the garden,
+where acetylene gas has been installed.
+
+I am telling you these facts as concisely as I told them to the agent.
+He took them down one by one and said, "Yes." Having no interest in
+anything but the truth, I was as plain with him as I could be.
+
+"Yes," he said, "no gas anywhere but in garden-room."
+
+"Yes, small paddock, about two acres, to the south."
+
+"Yes, one mile from nearest town."
+
+I was charmed with his easy receptivity and went away content.
+
+A few days later I received the description of the house which the
+agent had prepared for his clients. Being still interested in nothing
+but the truth I was electrified.
+
+"This very desirable residence," it began. No great harm in that.
+
+"In heart of most beautiful county in England," it continued. Nothing
+very serious to quarrel with there; tastes must always differ; but it
+puts the place in a new light.
+
+"Surrounded by pleasure-grounds." Here I was pulled up very short. My
+little lawn with its evergreens, my desolate cabbage-stalks, my tiny
+paddock--these to be so dignified! And where do the agents get their
+phrases? Is there a Thesaurus of the trade, profession, calling,
+industry or mystery? "Garden" is a good enough word for any man who
+lives in his house and is satisfied, but a man who wants a house can
+be lured to look at it only if it has pleasure-grounds: is that the
+position? Does an agent in his own home refer to the garden in
+that way? If his wife is named Maud does he sing, "Come into the
+pleasure-grounds"?
+
+"Surrounded," too. I was so careful to say that the paddock and so
+forth were on one side and the road on the other.
+
+I read on: "Situated in the old-world village of Blank." And I had
+been scrupulous in stating that we were a mile distant--situated in
+point of fact in a real village of our own, with church, post-office,
+ancient landau and all the usual appurtenances. And "old world"! What
+is "old world"? There must be some deadly fascination in the epithet,
+for no agent can refrain from using it; but what does it mean? Do
+American agents use it? It could have had no attraction for COLUMBUS.
+Such however is the failure of our modernity that it is supposed to
+be irresistible to-day. And "village!" The indignation of Blank on
+finding itself called an "old world village" will be something fierce.
+
+None the less, although I was amused and a little irritated, I must
+confess to the dawnings of dubiety as to the perfect wisdom of leaving
+such a little paradise. If it had all this allurement was I being
+sensible to let others have it, and at a time when houses are so
+scarce and everything is so costly? Had I not perhaps been wrong in my
+estimate? Was not the sanguine agent the true judge?
+
+I read on and realised that he was not. "One mile from Blank station."
+Such a statement is one not of critical appraisement but of fact or
+falsity. The accent in which he had said, "Yes, two and a-half miles
+from the station," was distinct in my ear.
+
+I read further. "Lighted by gas;" and again I recalled that
+intelligent young fellow's bright "Yes, gas only in the garden-room."
+
+What is one to do with these poets, these roseate optimists? And how
+delightful to be one of them and refuse to see any but desirable
+residences and gas where none is!
+
+But it was the next trope that really shook me: "Well-stocked
+kitchen-garden." Here I ceased to be amused and became genuinely
+angry. The idea of calling that wilderness, that monument of neglect,
+"well-stocked." I was furious.
+
+That was a week ago. Yesterday I paid a flying visit to the country
+to see how things were going and how many people had been to view the
+place; and my fury increased when, after again and for the fiftieth
+time pointing out to the gardener the lack of this and that vegetable,
+he was more than normally smiling and silent and dense and impenitent.
+
+"You say here," he said at last, pulling the description of the house
+from his pocket and pointing to the words with a thumb as massive as
+it is dingy and as dingy as it is massive--"you say here 'well-stocked
+kitchen garden.'" _You!_
+
+And now I understand better the phrases "agents for good" and "agents
+for evil."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PORTRAIT OF MR. ----, WHO HAD NO IDEA, WHEN HE FLED
+FROM LONDON TO ESCAPE AIR-RAIDS AND TOOK A THREE YEARS' LEASE NEAR
+MAIDENHEAD, THAT THE WAR WOULD BE OVER SO SOON.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an official circular:--
+
+    "If the man in question happens to be a seaman, he will be
+    included on A.F.Z.8 in the figures appearing in the square of
+    intersection between the horizontal column opposite Industrial
+    Group 2 and the vertical column for Dispersal Area Ib."
+
+Yet there are people who still complain of a want of simplicity in the
+demobilisation regulations.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STAGES.
+
+1914.
+
+Mr. Smith (of Smith, Smith and Smith, Solicitors) sat in his office
+awaiting his confidential clerk. There was a rattle as of castanets
+outside the door. It was produced by the teeth of the confidential
+clerk, Mr. Adolphus Brown.
+
+Mr. Smith was a martinet ...
+
+1915.
+
+Second-Lieutenant A. Brown was drilling his platoon. There was a
+rattle as of castanets. It was produced by the teeth of the platoon.
+
+Adolphus was a martinet ...
+
+1916.
+
+The raiding, party hurled itself into the trench, headed by an
+officer of ferocious mien. There was a rattle as of castanets. It was
+produced by the teeth of the 180th Regiment of Landsturmers, awaiting
+destruction.
+
+Adolphus fell upon them ...
+
+1917.
+
+Captain A. Brown, M.C., on leave, sat by his fireside. There was a
+rattle as of castanets. It was produced by the teeth of Adolphus,
+Junior.
+
+Daddy had changed ...
+
+1918.
+
+Major A. Brown, D.S.O., M.C. (on permanent Home Service) was awaiting
+the next case. There was a rattle as of castanets. It was produced
+by the teeth of No. 45012 Private Smith (of Smith, Smith and Smith,
+Solicitors), called up in his group and late for parade.
+
+Adolphus was famous for severity ...
+
+1919.
+
+Mr. (late Major) Adolphus Brown stood outside the door of Mr. (late
+No. 45012) Smith (of Smith, Smith and Smith, Solicitors). There was a
+rattle as of castanets ...
+
+On which side of the door?
+
+Both.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. Ian Macpherson, the new Chief Secretary for Ireland, posed
+    specially yesterday for the _Sunday Pictorial_. He has a difficult
+    task to face."--_Sunday Pictorial_.
+
+Let us hope they will keep the portrait from him as long a possible.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Three new telephone lines have been laid between London
+    and Paris, and it is now possible to pick up a telephone in
+    Downing Street and speak directly to Mr. Lloyd George at any
+    time."--_Daily Chronicle_.
+
+Immediately on the appearance of the above a long queue formed in
+Downing Street. Further telephones are to be installed to meet the
+rush. Some of the messages to the PREMIER, we understand, have been
+couched in very direct language.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TRAGEDY OF OVER-EDUCATION.
+
+It must not be thought that I underestimate the value of education
+as a general principle; indeed I earnestly beg of Mr. FISHER, should
+these lines chance to meet his eye, not to be in any way discouraged
+by them; but I have been driven to the conclusion that there is such a
+thing as over-education, and that it has dangers. When you have read
+this story I think you will agree with me. It is rather a sad story,
+but it is very short.
+
+The population of my poultry-yard was composed of five hens and
+Umslumpogaas. The five hens were creatures of mediocrity, deserving no
+special mention--all very well for laying eggs and similar domestic
+duties, but from an intellectual point of view simply napoo, as the
+polyglot stylists have it. Far otherwise was it with Umslumpogaas.
+He was a pure bred, massive Black Orpington cockerel, a scion of the
+finest strain in the land. Indeed the dealer from whom I purchased
+him informed me that there was royal blood in his veins, and I have
+no reason to doubt it. One had only to watch him running in pursuit
+of a moth or other winged insect to be struck by the essentially
+aristocratic swing of his wattles and the symmetrical curves of
+his graceful lobes; and the proud pomposity of his tail feathers
+irresistibly called to mind the old nobility and the Court of LOUIS
+QUATORZE. Pimple, our tabby kitten, looked indescribably bourgeois
+beside him.
+
+But it was not the external appearance of Umslumpogaas, regal though
+it was, that endeared him to me so much as his great intellectual
+potentialities. That bird had a mind, and I was determined to develop
+it to the uttermost. Under my assiduous tuition he progressed in a
+manner that can only be described as astonishing. He quickly learned
+to take a letter from the post-girl in his beak and deliver it without
+error to that member of the family to whom it was addressed. I was in
+the habit of reading to him extracts from the daily papers, and the
+interest he took in the course of the recent war and his intelligent
+appreciation of the finer points of Marshal FOCH'S strategy were most
+pleasing to observe. He would greet the news of our victorious onsweep
+with exultant crows, while at the announcement of any temporary
+set-back he would mutter gloomily and go and scratch under the
+shrubbery. On Armistice day he quite let himself go, cackling and
+mafficking round the yard in a manner almost absurd. But who did not
+unbend a little on that historic day?
+
+Perhaps his greatest achievement, however, was the mastering of
+a system of signals, a sort of simplified Morse code, which we
+established through the medium of an old motor-horn. One blast meant
+breakfast-time; two intimated that I was about to dig in the waste
+patch under the walnut trees and he was to assemble his wives for
+a diet of worms; three loud toots were the summons for the mid-day
+meal; four were the curfew call signifying that it was time for him
+to conduct his consorts to their coop for the night; and so on, with
+special arrangements in case of air-raids. Not once was Umslumpogaas
+at fault; no matter in what remote corner of the yard he and his hens
+might be, at the sound of the three blasts he would come hastening up
+with his hens for dinner. I was most gratified.
+
+And then came the disaster. I was sawing wood one morning in the
+saddle house, and Umslumpogaas and his wives were sitting round about
+the door, dusting themselves. All was peaceful. Suddenly down the lane
+which passes the gate of my yard appeared a large grey-bodied car.
+Some school-children being in the road the driver emitted three loud
+warning hoots of his horn. In an instant Umslumpogaas was on his feet
+and, his wives at his heels, making a bee line for the gate. By the
+time he reached it the car had passed and was turning the corner that
+leads to the village, when the driver again sounded his horn thrice.
+With an imperious call to his wives to follow, Umslumpogaas set off at
+full speed in pursuit, and before I had fully grasped the situation
+my entire poultry-yard had vanished from sight in the wake of that
+confounded motor-car. And it is the unfortunate truth that neither
+Umslumpogaas nor a single member of his harem has been seen or heard
+of since. It is as bad as the affair of the _Pied Piper_ of Hamelin.
+
+I said at the beginning that this was rather a sad little story.
+Taking into consideration the present price of new-laid eggs it
+amounts more or less to a tragedy, and I put it down to nothing but
+the baleful effects of over-education.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "GET ON WITH YOUR SUPPER, ROBERT. IT'S ONLY THE MISSUS,
+AND SHE DAREN'T SAY ANYTHING FOR FEAR I SHOULD DEMOBILISE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GARDENING NOTES.
+
+_Meconopsis cambrica_ (Welsh Poppy). Owing to the wide popularity of
+the energetic daughter of the PRIME MINISTER we understand that the
+authorities at Kew have decided to re-name this plant _Meganopsis_.
+
+_Digitalis_.--The spelling of the homely name of this well-known plant
+is to be altered in the Kew List to _Foch's-glove_; the suggestion of
+an interned German botanist that _Mailed Fist_ would be more suitable
+not having met with the approval of the Council of the Royal
+Horticultural Society.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "SPAIN'S REPUBLICAN PARLIAMENT.
+
+    Lisbon, Wednesday.--It would seem that the Cabinet just formed
+    by Senhor Tamagnini Barbosa will have in the next Parliament a
+    moderate Republican majority."--_Liverpool Daily Post_.
+
+No other journal seems to have noticed the re-annexation of Portugal
+by Spain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The task of fitting the square men created by the war into
+    square holes is certainly going to be one of tremendous
+    magnitude."--_Lancashire Daily Post_.
+
+From some of the new Government appointments we gather that the PRIME
+MINISTER gave up the task in despair.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wanted to purchase elephants, sound and without vice, and to
+    sell a variety of pigeons at reasonable prices."--_Pioneer
+    (Allahabad)._
+
+But we doubt if the advertiser will be able to get all the elephants,
+however free from vice, into the old pigeon-house.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BRIGHTER CRICKET.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FINANCIER.
+
+He had sat at the same table in the same restaurant for years--more
+years than he cared to count. He was not as young as be used to be.
+
+Always when he could he sat on the comfortable sofa-like seat on the
+wall side of the table. When that was fully occupied he sat on the
+other side on an ordinary upright chair, in which he could not lounge
+at ease.
+
+He sat there now discontentedly, keeping a watchful eye for vacancies
+in the opposite party.
+
+Half-way through his meal a vacancy occurred. He pushed his plate
+across the table and went round, sinking with a sigh into the
+cushioned seat.
+
+The departing customer had left the usual gratuity under the saucer
+of his coffee-cup. In a minute or two the waitress would collect the
+cup and saucer and the coins.
+
+But the waitress was busy. The room was full and there was the usual
+deficient service.
+
+He finished eating, lighted a cigarette and called for a cup of
+coffee. It was then, I think, the thought came to him.
+
+The other man's cup, saucer and money were still there.
+
+His hand fluttered uncertainly over the cloth among the crockery.
+There seemed to be nobody looking. His fingers slid under the other
+man's saucer and in a moment the money was under his own.
+
+He rose, took his hat and bill and went.
+
+We left soon after.
+
+"How mean!" said my wife. "Did you see? He made the other man's tip
+do. Even a woman wouldn't have done that."
+
+It seemed severe, I thought, but that is what she said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The rats were chased out of camp and their skins tanned and
+    made into dainty purses and handbags."--_Manchester Guardian_.
+
+The rats having in their hurry left their skins behind them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The front door of the Lord Mayor's coachman opens on to a
+    long, narrow staircase."--_Weekly Dispatch_.
+
+Very interesting, no doubt; but the general public would have
+preferred to learn something about his bow-window.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN WINTER.
+
+  Boreas blows on his high wood whistle,
+    Over the coppice and down the lane
+  Where the goldfinch chirps from the haulm of the thistle
+    And mangolds gleam in the farmer's wain.
+  Last year's dead and the new year sleeping
+    Under its mantle of leaves and snow;
+  Earth holds beauty fast in her keeping
+    But Life invincible stirs below.
+
+  Runs the sap in each root and rhizome,
+    Primrose yellow and snowdrop cold,
+  Windyflowers when the chiffchaff flies home,
+    Lenten lilies with crowns of gold.
+  Soon the woods will be blithe with bracken,
+    April whisper of lambs at play;
+  Spring will triumph--and our old black hen
+    (Thank the Lord!) will begin to lay.
+
+  ALGOL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A "DRY" STATE.
+
+    "On the declaration of the armistice with Bulgaria this Balkan-Jug
+    stopped running."--_Observer._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW NAVY.
+
+    ["The New Navy of small craft, created by the special needs of
+    the War ... has every reason to be proud of its share in bringing
+    the War to a victorious conclusion. The good wishes of the Board
+    of Admiralty and the Royal Navy will follow the armed yachts,
+    trawlers, drifters and motor-boats after they have hauled down
+    the colours they flew as His Majesty's Auxiliary Patrol Vessels."
+
+    _Admiralty Message to the Auxiliary Patrol Service_.]
+
+  The Old Navy wakened and got under way
+  And hurried to Scapa in battle array,
+  While the drifters and trawlers looked on from afar
+  At the cruisers and battleships off to the War;
+  Having sped their departure with ev'ry good wish,
+  The drifters and trawlers returned to their fish.
+
+  Do you know the sensation, so hard to explain,
+  Of living a former existence again,
+  With never a clue to the why or the when?
+  Well, the drifters and trawlers were feeling it then,
+  And the sea chuckled deep as it washed to and fro
+  On the hulls of the battleships up in the Flow.
+
+  The Old Navy waited, the Old Navy swore,
+  While battleships costing two millions and more
+  Reviewed the position from starboard to port:
+  "It's small craft again, but we're terribly short;
+  Let us pray for the Empire whose sun never sets;"
+  Then the fishing fleet pensively hauled in its nets.
+
+  And rolling with laughter, at varying speeds
+  The New Navy sped to the Old Navy's needs;
+  Unblushingly paintless, by units or lots,
+  Came drifters and trawlers and whalers and yachts;
+  And, heedless of Discipline Acts, I've been told,
+  The New Navy cheerfully winked at the Old.
+
+  Without any pride but the pride of its race,
+  The New Navy took its historical place
+  In warfare on quite unconventional lines
+  As hunting sea vermin or sweeping for mines,
+  Till the sea would agree when a battleship swore
+  That surely they'd helped an Old Navy before.
+
+  Through Summer and Autumn, through Winter and Spring
+  The Old Navy patiently guarded the ring.
+  The while the Auxiliaries out on the blue
+  Were making the most of the flag that they flew,
+  And a cruiser would call to her sister, astern,
+  "Precocious as ever, they've nothing to learn!"
+
+  The Old Navy stretched as they got under way
+  To take the Surrender that fell on a Day,
+  And the drifters and trawlers looked on from afar
+  At the cruisers and battleships winning the War,
+  And, cheering the conquest with ev'ry good wish,
+  Prepared to go back to their nets and their fish.
+
+  But scarce had the fishing fleet time to turn round
+  When there fell on their ears a remarkable sound,
+  And some who were present have given their word
+  That the roll of DRAKE'S drum through the squadrons was heard;
+  Resulted a sequel as strange as it's true,
+  The Old Navy solemnly winked at the New.
+
+  The moral is simple but worthy of note
+  Whenever the spirit of DRAKE is afloat,
+  There's only one Navy when foes come to grips,
+  And nobody knows it so well as the ships,
+  And so when the small craft are blessed by the Board,
+  Demurely they murmur: "_New_ Navy? Oh, Lord!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BEAUTY COLUMN.
+
+(_LATEST STYLE._)
+
+We four are _such_ friends, Estelle, Rosalie, Beryl and I. If we
+weren't could we sit round and say the things to each other that we
+do? I ask you.
+
+It's quite a small flat we have, just the one room, but it's _so_
+convenient. There's a chemist's next door, so it's no walk to get
+_everything_ we require.
+
+We were sitting round our cosy fireplace, wishing it were summer or
+that we had some coal, when one of those thoughts that make me so
+loved occurred to me.
+
+"Estelle darling," I asked, though I knew, because the box was on the
+mantelpiece; "how _do_ you get that lovely flush? Your nose is such a
+_delicious_ tint; it reminds me of a tomato."
+
+"I owe my colour to my fur coat," replied Estelle frankly; "you've
+no idea how warm it keeps me. I think a natural glow is so much more
+becoming than an artificial one."
+
+"By the way, Madge," put in Rosalie (I'm Madge), "as you've started
+the game may I ask you a question? How do you get such a lovely shine
+on _your_ nose?"
+
+"Chamois leather," I replied sweetly. (You see we're such friends we
+love telling each other our boudoir secrets.)
+
+"I wish I knew how you keep those cunning little curls, Estelle,"
+sighed Beryl longingly. "_My_ hair is so horribly straight."
+
+"It's quite easy," explained Estelle; "you can do it with any ordinary
+flat-iron, though of course an electric-iron is the best. If you heat
+the iron over the gas or fire (if any) it gets sooty, and if you've
+golden hair, as I have this year--well. Only," she went on warningly,
+"always see that you lay your curl flat on the table before you iron
+it."
+
+"I wish I could get my hands as white as yours, Beryl," I said.
+
+"You can't expect to, darling; working at Whitehall as you do your
+fingers are bound to get stained with nicotine. Warm water and soap is
+all _I_ use. First I immerse my hands in tepid water, then I rub the
+soap (you can get it at any chemist's or oil-shop) into the pores--you
+'d be surprised how it lathers if you do it the right way--and then
+I rinse the soap off again. I learnt that trick from watching our
+washer-woman--she had such lovely hands."
+
+"Why do you never use powder now, Estelle?" asked Rosalie. "Before the
+War one could never come near you without leaving footprints."
+
+"My reasons were partly patriotic, conserving the food supply, you
+know, and partly owing to the mulatto-like tint the war-flour gave me.
+One doesn't want to go about looking half-baked, does one?"
+
+"No," we murmured, making a pretty concerted number of it.
+
+"But wrinkles, darling Estelle," I pleaded--"do tell us what you do
+for your wrinkles."
+
+"Wrinkles," murmured Estelle, with a pretty puckering of her brow--"I
+haven't any left; I've given them all to you."
+
+[EDITORIAL NOTE.--This series will not be continued in our next
+issue.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MUSICAL.
+
+    1916 car, nearly new, two-seater body, hood, screen, complete,
+    £13."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+At that price it probably would be "musical."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The latest telegrams from Berlin state that the Spartacus
+    (Extremist) leaders are in extremis."--_Sunday Paper_,
+
+But, confound it, that's their element.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sergeant_. "ONLY ONE BUTTON DECENTLY CLEAN. AND I
+SUPPOSE YOU MANAGED TO GET THAT ONE BRIGHT BY RUBBIN' OF IT AGAINST
+THE CANTEEN COUNTER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MILITARY EDUCATIONAL PROBLEM.
+
+Dear Mr. Punch,--I write to ask your advice. As you know, the Army
+Council in its wisdom decreed that the Army, before being demobilised,
+must be educated. I have been chosen as one of the Educators.
+
+My efforts to lead the Army into the paths of light and learning were
+crowned with success until in an evil moment I undertook to teach
+Private Goodbody. This genial ornament of our regimental sanitary
+squad is especially anxious to plumb the mysteries of arithmetic.
+When he had, as I thought, finally mastered the principle that if you
+borrow one from the shillings' column you must pay it back in the
+pounds' column, I set him the following sum:--
+
+"Supposing you owed the butcher sixteen shillings and three pence
+halfpenny and took a pound note to pay him with, how much change ought
+he to give you?"
+
+Private Goodbody scratched his head for several minutes and at last
+decided that he did not know.
+
+"But come, Goodbody," I urged, "surely it's quite easy." And I
+repeated the question.
+
+"I don't know, Sir; I don't never have no truck with butchers," he
+declared emphatically. "I leaves that 'ere to the missus."
+
+"Ah!" I said, "and how does _she_ get the money to pay him?"
+
+"_I_ gives it 'er," said Goodbody.
+
+"What does she do with the change?" I asked next.
+
+"Gives it back to me, I reck'n," he answered.
+
+"Well," I continued, "if you don't know how much change there ought
+to be when you give her a pound and she spends sixteen shillings and
+three pence halfpenny, how do you know she gives you back the right
+amount?"
+
+Private Goodbody eyed me with something suspiciously like contempt.
+
+"If my missus started playin' any o' them monkey tricks on me, givin'
+the wrong change an' sich, I'd put it acrost 'er," he said.
+
+And there the matter rests for the present. I feel that I should not
+lead Private Goodbody any further into the intricacies of his subject
+until he has solved my problem. This he resolutely professes himself
+unable to do, and begs to be allowed to leave it and plunge into the
+giddy vortex of the multiplication table.
+
+Yours faithfully, MENTOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A cable message of 100 words from London to Johannesburg to-day,
+    at 2s. 6d. a word, costs £1 10s."--_Evening Paper_.
+
+We suppose the Post Office makes a reduction for taking a quantity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WIND.
+
+  The day I saw the Wind I stood
+  All by myself inside our wood,
+  Where Nurse had told me I must wait
+  While she went back through the white gate
+  To fetch her work ... I don't know why,
+  But suddenly I felt quite shy
+  With all the trees when Nurse was gone,
+  For quietness came on and on
+  And covered me right round as though
+  I was just nobody, you know,
+  And not a little girl at all...
+  But _then_--quite sudden--HER torn shawl
+  Came through the trees; I saw it gleam,
+  And SHE was near. Just like a dream
+  She looked at me. Her lovely hair
+  Was waving, waving everywhere,
+  And from her shawl--all tattery--
+  There blew the sweetest scents to me.
+  I didn't ask her who she was;
+  I didn't _need_ to ask, because
+  I _knew!_ ... That's all ... She didn't wait;
+  She _went_--when Nurse called through the gate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "HOT WATER BATTLES--Best quality rubber, from 4/3 each." --_Parish
+    Magazine_.
+
+A new kind of tank warfare, we suppose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR DANCING MEN.
+
+"WHO'S THE SLIGHTLY ANCIENT DAME THAT THAT KID BINKS HAS BEEN DANCING
+WITH ALL THE EVENING?"
+
+"I DUNNO. YOUNG BINKS DOESN'T EITHER. BUT HE SAYS SHE'S THE ONLY WOMAN
+IN THE ROOM WITH A GLIMMERING OF HOW TO 'JAZZ.'".]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THOUGHTS IN COMMITTEE.
+
+  The War decays; the Offices disperse,
+  And after many a bloomer flies the don;
+  All kinds of Bodies perish with a curse,
+  And only my Committee lingers on,
+  Still rambles gaily in the same old rings,
+  Still sighs, "At any rate, we are at one";
+  Yet even here, so catching, are these things,
+  Something, I think, is going to be done.
+
+  For me, I would not anything were done,
+  But would for ever sit on this soft seat
+  Each sweet recurrent Saturday, and run
+  An idle pencil o'er the foolscap sheet,
+  The free unrationed blotting-pad, and scrawl
+  Delightful effigies of those who speak,
+  But not myself say anything at all,
+  Only be mute and beautiful and meek ...
+
+  Are there not Ministers and ex-M.P.'s,
+  A Knight, a Baronet, a Brigadier?
+  Is it not wonderful to be with these,
+  To watch, and after in the wifely ear
+  Whisper, "This morning I exchanged some words
+  With old Sir Somebody, who thought of Tanks;
+  I saw the Chairman of the Board of Birds;
+  I said, 'How are you?' and he answered, 'Thanks'"?
+
+  So let us sit for ever--and expand;
+  Let us be paid, not properly, but well.
+  Let more men come, all opulent and bland,
+  So that we qualify for some hotel,
+  So that, as all the Constitution grows
+  From little seeds long buried in the past,
+  We too may be a part of it! Who knows?
+  We may become a Ministry at last.
+
+  And if indeed our end must be more tame,
+  Let large well-mounted photographs be made
+  Of this high gathering, and let each name
+  Beneath each face be generously displayed,
+  That I may say, when penury has crept
+  Too near for decency, to some old snob,
+  "_That_ was the kind of company I kept
+  When England needed me"--and get a job.
+
+  A.P.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Good Servants of all kings required at once.--Apply Mrs. ----'s
+    Registry."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+There should be a good supply, as several monarchs have lately given
+up housekeeping.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "REQUIRED, ROMPOTER, to float £50,000 company for manufacturing
+    bricks for reconstruction. Curiosity mongers please
+    refrain."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+But for the warning we should have been sorely tempted to inquire what
+a "Rompoter" may be.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "DORA" DISCOMFITED.
+
+"DORA." "WHAT, NO CENSORSHIP?" [_Swoons._]
+
+{The Foreign Office has announced that Press Correspondents' messages
+about the Peace Congress will not be censored.}]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Jock_. "BON JOUR, M'SIEUR. NOUS AVONS REVENUS DE
+PERMISSION ET NOUS SOMMES BLINQUANT MISERABLE. SI VOUS FEREZ MON
+AMI DE SOURIRE, JE DONNERAI VOUS DIX FRANCS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WAR DOGS' PARTY.
+
+I am a plain dog that barks his mind and believes in calling a bone
+a bone, not one of your sentimental sort that allows the tail--that
+uncontrollable seat of the emotions--to govern the head. I voted
+Coalition, of course. As a veteran--three chevrons and the Croix de
+Guerre--I could hardly refuse to support the man who above all others
+helped us war dogs to beat the Bosch. But to say that I am satisfied
+with the way things are going on--that's a mouse of a very different
+colour, as the phrase goes. A terrier person who claims to own the
+PRIME MINISTER and has been very busy demanding what he calls our
+invaluable suffrages buttonholed me the other day outside the tripe
+shop and commenced to tell me all the wonderful things that we dogs
+would get if we only elected a strong Coalition Government--better
+biscuits, larger kennels, equal rabbits for all and I don't know what
+else. But when I asked him plainly, "Are you in favour of keeping out
+the dachshunds?" the fellow hedged and said the question was not so
+important as some people seemed to think, and that financial interests
+had to be considered.
+
+And that's how the War Dogs' Party came to be formed, for when
+they heard how the land lay some of the influential dogs in our
+neighbourhood called a meeting in Jorrocks' Mews and elected me
+chairman. We decided that membership should not be confined to dogs
+who had actually seen service at the Front, but that any dog who had
+faced the trials of the War in the spirit of true patriotism should be
+eligible. A slight difficulty was encountered in the case of the Irish
+terrier who owns the butcher's shop and notoriously has never been
+on bone rations, some of the young hotheads claiming that he was not
+eligible. But Snap is a very popular dog, and when he is not brooding
+over his national grievances is a merry fellow and always ready to
+share a bone with a pal. So I ruled that on account of the historic
+wrongs of Ireland we would overlook Snap's defiance of the Public
+Bones Order and allow him to be one of us.
+
+One of the first things you learn in the trenches is the use of tact
+in coping with delicate situations. Well, we drew up a very strong
+platform and were on the point of carrying it unanimously when our
+secretary, a clever fellow but temperamental, like all poodles,
+spotted the big yellow cat from No. 14 slinking down the street on
+some poisonous errand or other, and the meeting adjourned in what I
+can only describe as a disorderly manner. Of course we are treating
+the Declaration of Peace Aims, as we called it, as carried, though the
+secretary insists on adding a fifteenth point, which he says is of
+vital importance, relating to the Declawing of Yellow Cats.
+
+The first plank in our platform is BRITAIN FOR BRITISH DOGS, which
+sounds very well, don't you think? Sassafras, the Aberdeen terrier
+from No. 3, a solid fellow but unimaginative, wanted it to be ONCE A
+U-DOG ALWAYS A U-DOG, but I ruled that that couldn't be right because
+once there had been a U-dog next door to us, but now there wasn't. Of
+course they all wanted to hear about it, but we war dogs are supposed
+to be as modest as we are brave, so I simply said that he was _spurlos
+versenkt_. But it isn't only German dogs we draw the line at. Take the
+Pekinese. I've always said if we didn't combat the Yellow Peril we'd
+regret it, and now the pests are everywhere. My master's woman has one
+which she calls Pitti Sing. Did you ever hear of such a name for a
+dog? But then it isn't a dog in the real sense of the word. Only last
+Friday the little beast flew at me--all over an absurd chicken bone
+which was really meant for me but had been put on to its plate by
+mistake--and deliberately filled my mouth full of nasty fluffy fur.
+
+Of course the woman had to come in at that moment and, instead of
+chastising the little monster, she grabbed it up and hugged it,
+saying, "Diddums nasty great dog bite um poor ickle Pitti Singums?"
+and a lot more silly rot equally at variance with the facts. I wagged
+my tail at her to show it wasn't my fault, but she just wouldn't see
+reason and told master that I must have a good whipping. Of course
+master and I both know that one isn't whipped for a little thing like
+that, so we retired into the study, and while master pretended to
+whip me I pretended to howl. I was just beginning to howl in a very
+lifelike way when the woman rushed in and called master a cruel brute,
+and said she didn't mean him to hurt me really.
+
+Women are funny creatures and I'm glad I don't own one. Snap, the
+butcher's dog, even went so far as to suggest that we should adopt
+anti-feminism as a plank in our platform, but the Irish Wolfhound who
+comes from Cavendish Square said that his mistress was driving an
+ambulance in France and that, in her absence, anyone who had anything
+to say against women would have to see him first. Of course it's very
+difficult to argue with that kind of dog, and, though Snap seemed
+inclined to press the point, I ruled the proposal out of order. The
+value of resource is one of the things you learn in the Army.
+
+I think Snap was rather relieved really, because after the meeting he
+asked me to go and help him dig up a nearly new mutton bone that he
+had buried under a laurel bush in the Square.
+
+Well, to return to our platform, what we say about these foreign dogs
+is "Keep them all out." Of course there are some Allied dogs, like
+Poodles and Plumpuddings and Boston terriers, that have earned the
+right to be considered one of ourselves, but when it comes to having
+Mexican Hairless and Schipperkes and heaven knows what else coming
+into the country and taking the biscuits out of our mouths--well, we
+say it isn't good enough. Not that we're insular, mind you, but to
+hear some of these mangy foreigners talking about the Brotherhood of
+Dogs! But I must tell you how Bolshevism raised its ugly head in
+our midst. It was while we were discussing the second plank in our
+platform, which is "DOGS, NOT DOORMATS."
+
+But there, Master is calling me to take him for a walk, so it must
+wait till next week. ALGOL.
+
+(_To be continued._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Official (to applicant for post as policewoman)_. "AND
+WHAT WOULD YOU DO IN THE EVENT OF A STREET ACCIDENT?"
+
+_Applicant_. "OH, I SHOULD--ER--CALL A POLICEMAN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "German civil officials in Nancy must salute American officers.
+    Failure to obey the order means arrest."--_Globe_.
+
+We hear that the same regulation applies to all German civil officials
+in Lyons, Toulouse and Bordeaux.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW BOOKS
+
+FROM MESSRS. TRUEMAN AND WASHINGTON'S LIST.
+
+_THE ZOOMERS._
+
+BY GLADYS WANK.
+
+_PRICE_ 6/11¾.
+
+A new writer who by virtue of her godlike genius takes her seat with
+HOMER, DANTE, SHAKSPEAKE and MARIE CORELLI, and a novel such as the
+world has not known since _The Miseries of Mephistopheles_ startled
+the comatose mid-Victorians from their slumbers--both stand revealed
+in these soul-shaking pages. To say that this is the novel of the year
+is to malign its greatness It is the novel of the century, of all
+centuries, of all time.
+
+FIRST REVIEW BEFORE PUBLICATION.
+
+    "It is not saying too much, when I solemnly assert that I really
+    believe that Miss Wank's first book is the best she has ever
+    written."--"_A MAN OF KENT_," in _The Scottish Treacly_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_SIMIAN SONGS._
+
+BY ISABEL MUNKITTRICK.
+
+_PRICE_ 11/3½.
+
+These remarkable lyrics are translations into vernacular verse of the
+prose versions of specimens of the literature of the great apes of
+Africa, collected by Professor GARNER. It is not too much to say that
+those touching _cris de coeur_ redolent of the jungle, the lagoon and
+the hinterland, will appeal with irresistible force to all lovers of
+sincere and passionate emotion. The Chimpanzee's "swing song" on page
+42 is a marvel of oscillating melody.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_THE MILLENNIUM VIÂ ARMAGEDDON._
+
+BY REV. ANGUS WOTTLEY, D.D.
+
+_WITH A FOREWORD BY_ PRINCIPAL CAWKER.
+
+_PRICE_ 9/4¼.
+
+This is a work of over 120,000 words of extraordinary beauty and
+distinction. It has gone into 150 editions in Patagonia, where the
+editions are very large, and ought to be in great demand in this
+country. Tiberius Mull, writing in the Literary Supplement of _The
+Scottish Oil World_, uses these remarkable words: "I do honestly
+believe that Dr. Angus Wottley's book is the most weighty volume he
+has ever given to the world."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_POLLY ANDREA'S SACRIFICE._
+
+BY SALINA LAKE.
+
+_PRICE_ 8/3½.
+
+This is the first attempt to present the limitations of the modern
+monogamous system in its true polyphonic perspective, several
+huge editions having been exhausted before publication. Professor
+McTalisker writes in the Theological Supplement of _John Bull_: "For
+a person in a state of partial exhaustion I can imagine no more
+efficacious stimulant than is to be found in those beautiful pages.
+Not being acquainted with any of the earlier works of the author, I
+can honestly declare that in my opinion it is the best thing that
+I have read from her pen, and, further, that it has made a deeper
+impression upon me than any other work which I have not read but which
+deals with the same subject."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DOPE.
+
+_Jack_. "'ERE'S AN ARTICLE 'ERE ON THE 'FASCINATION OF OPIUM SMOKIN'.'
+FASCINATION, I DON'T FINK! THE ONLY TIME I SMOKED IT WAS IN CHINA, AN'
+FOR THREE DAYS I 'AD AH 'EAD ON ME LIKE A SMOKE BARRAGE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PEACE AND PROMOTION.
+
+  Lucasta, prideful times they were
+    When first it came to pass
+  That on each shoulder I might bear
+    A little star of brass.
+  And when by reason of my zeal
+    I was awarded twain,
+  'Twas not mere vanity to feel
+    Almost as proud again.
+  My warrior soul was filled with song
+    In triumph's clearest key,
+  When, feeling thrice as broad and strong,
+    My shoulders shone with three.
+  Yet these I'll gladly from their place
+    Remove, and in their stead
+  Support one star of gentler grace--
+    Lucasta's golden head.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "GENTLEMAN required, knowledge of short-hand essential although
+    not absolutely necessary."--_Local Paper_.
+
+A very nice distinction.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In my opinion the Asiatic cholera, 1850-1851, took more lives
+    and caused more anxiety than the flu. In Spanish Town, with a
+    population of 5,000, 7,800 died."--_Daily Gleaner_ (_Kingston,
+    Jamaica_).
+
+We agree that the 'flu mortality can hardly have been greater than
+this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Flageolets soaked or parboiled previously and placed in alternate
+    layers in a fireproof dish with sliced tomato or potato sprinkled
+    with onion also make a valuable dish." _--Evening Paper_.
+
+We have fortunately not yet been reduced to eating our wood-wind
+instruments; but we think we should need a double-bass to wash them
+down.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Impressed Rustic Sightseer_. "AY, AMOS, IT MUST TAKE
+YEARS OF OILING AN' COMBING TO TRAIN HAIR LIKE THAT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MUD LARKS.
+
+I met a man in the Club at Lille the other day who told me that he
+knew all about women. He had studied the subject, he said, and could
+read 'em like an open book. He admitted that it took a bit of doing,
+but that once you had the secret they would trot up and eat out of
+your hand.
+
+Having thus spoken he swallowed three whiskies in rapid succession and
+rushed away to jump a lorry-ride to Germany, and I have not seen him
+since, much to my regret, for I need his advice, I do.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We splashed into the hamlet of Sailly-le-Petit at about eight o'clock
+of a pouring dark night, to find the inhabitants abed and all doors
+closed upon us.
+
+However, by dint of entreaties whispered through key-holes and
+persuasions cooed under window-shutters, I charmed most of them open
+again and got my troop under cover, with the exception of one section.
+Its Corporal, his cape spouting like a miniature watershed, swam up.
+"There's a likely-lookin' farm over yonder, Sir," said he, "but the
+old gal won't let us in. She's chattin' considerable." I found a group
+of numb men and shivering horses standing knee-deep in a midden, the
+men exchanging repartee with a furious female voice that shrilled at
+them from a dark window. "Is that the officer?" the voice demanded.
+I admitted as much. "Then remove your band of brigands. Go home to
+England, where you belong, and leave respectable people in peace. The
+War is finished."
+
+I replied with some fervour (my boots were full of water and my cap
+dribbling pints of iced-water down the back of my neck) that I was
+not playing the wandering Jew round one-horse Picard villages in late
+December for the amusement I got out of it and that I could be relied
+on to return to England at the earliest opportunity, but for the
+present moment would she let us in out of the downpour, please? The
+voice soared to a scream. No, she would not, not she. If we chose to
+come soldiering we must take the consequences, she had no sympathy
+for us. She called several leading saints to witness that her barn
+was full to bursting anyhow and there was no room. That was that.
+She slammed the window-shutter and retired, presumably to bed. The
+Corporal, who had been scouting round about, returned to report room
+for all hands in the barn, which was quite empty. Without further ado
+I pushed all hands into the barn and left them for the night.
+
+Next morning, while walking in the village street, I beheld a
+remarkable trio approaching. It consisted of a venerable cleric--his
+skirts held high enough out of the mud to reveal the fact that he
+favoured flannel underclothing and British army socks--and a massive
+rustic dressed principally in hair, straw-ends and corduroys. The
+third member was a thick short bulldog of a woman, who, from the
+masterly way in which she kept corduroys from slipping into the
+village smithy and saved the cleric from drifting to a sailor's grave
+in the duck-pond, seemed to be the controlling spirit of the party.
+By a deft movement to a flank she thwarted her reluctant companions
+in an attempt to escape up a by-way, and with a nudge here and a
+tug there brought them to a standstill in front of me and opened
+the introductions.
+
+"M. le Curé," indicating the cleric, who dropped his skirts and raised
+his beaver.
+
+"M. le Maire," indicating corduroys, who clutched a handful of straw
+out of his beard and groaned loudly.
+
+"_Moi, je suis Madame, Veuve Palliard-Dubose_," indicating herself.
+
+I bowed, quailing inwardly, for I recognized the voice. She gave
+corduroys a jab in the short ribs with her elbow. "_Eh bien_, now
+speak."
+
+Corduroys rolled his eyes like a driven bullock, sneezed a shower of
+straw and groaned again.
+
+"_Imbécile!_" spat Madame disgustedly and prodded the Curé. But the
+Curé was engaged in religious exercises, beads flying through his
+fingers, lips moving, eyes tight closed. Madame shrugged her shoulders
+eloquently as if to say, "Men--what worms! I ask you," and turned on
+me herself. She led off by making some unflattering guesses as to my
+past career, commented forcibly on my present mode of life, ventured
+a few cheerful prophecies as to my hereafter and polished off a brisk
+ten minutes heart-to-heart talk by snapping her fingers under my nose
+and threatening me with the guillotine if I did not instantly remove
+my man-eating horses from her barn.
+
+"Observe," she concluded triumphantly, "I have the Church and State on
+my side."
+
+"Have you?" I queried. "Have you? Look again."
+
+She turned to the right for the Mayor, but a strong trail of straw
+running up the by-way told that that massive but inarticulate
+dignitary had slunk home to his threshing. She turned to the left for
+the Curé, but the whisk of a skirt and a flannel shank disappearing
+into the church-porch showed that the discreet clerk had side-stepped
+for sanctuary. I thought it kinder to leave Madame the widow
+Palliard-Dubose to herself at this juncture, but something told me I
+had not heard the last of her. Nor had I. A week later an imposing
+document was forwarded from the orderly-room for my "information
+and necessary action, please." It emanated from the French Military
+Mission and claimed from me the modest sum of two thousand
+three hundred and fourteen francs on behalf of one Madame Veuve
+Palliard-Dubose, of the village of Sailly-le-Petit, Pas de Calais,
+the claimant alleging that my troopers had stolen unthreshed wheat to
+that value wherewith to feed their horses. A prompt settlement would
+oblige.
+
+I fled panic-stricken down to stables and wagged the document in
+the faces of the thieves. They were virtuously indignant; hadn't
+pinched no wheat-straw at all--not in Sailly-le-Petit. Might have
+been a bit absent-minded-like at Auchy-en-Artois, and again at
+Pressy-aux-Bois mistakes may have been made, but here never--no,
+Sir, s'welp-them-Gawd. I wrote to the French Mission denying the
+impeachment. They replied with a fresh shower of claims. I answered
+with a storm of denials. The sky snowed correspondence. Just when the
+French were putting it all over me and my orderly-room was hinting
+that I had best pay up and save the Entente Cordiale, the French ran
+out of paper and sent one of their missionaries in a car to settle
+the matter verbally. I gave him a good lunch, an excellent cigar and
+spread all the facts of the case before him as one human to another.
+He spent an hour nosing about the village, and the result of his
+investigations was that Madame Veuve Palliard-Dubose, so far from
+having her wheat stolen, had had no wheat to steal, and furthermore
+never in the course of her agricultural activities had she harvested
+crops to the value of Francs 2314. Virtue triumphant. Evil vanquished.
+Madame the widow Palliard-Dubose retired grimly into her cabin,
+slamming the door on the world.
+
+Yesterday was New Year's Day. Imagine my surprise when, on visiting
+the horses at mid-day, Madame Veuve Palliard-Dubose leaned over
+the half-door of her dwelling and waved her hand to me. "_Ah, ha,
+Monsieur le Lieutenant_", she crowed, "many felicitations on this
+most auspicious day! _Bon jour, belle année_!"
+
+I was so staggered I treated her to my _perfecto superfino_, my very
+best salute (usually reserved for Generals and Field Cashiers). "The
+same to you, Madame, and many of 'em. _Vive la France!_"
+
+Madame bowed and smiled with all her features. "_Vive l'Angleterre_!"
+What a lot of weather we were having, weren't we? and what a glorious
+victory it had been, hadn't it?--mainly due to the dear soldiers, she
+felt sure. She hoped I found myself enjoying robust health.
+
+I replied that I was in the pink myself and trusted she was the same.
+
+Never pinker in her life, she said; everything was perfectly lovely.
+She beckoned me nearer. She had a small favour to ask. At this season
+of peace and goodwill would the so amiable Lieutenant deign to enter
+her modest abode and take a little glass of _vin blanc_ with her?
+
+The "amiable Lieutenant" would be enchanted.
+
+She swung the door open and bowed me in. The glasses were already
+filled and waiting on the table--a big one for me, a little one for
+her.
+
+We clicked rims and lifted our elbows to the glorious victory, to the
+weather (which was rotten) and our mutual pinkness.
+
+"_A votre santé, mon Lieutenant_!" crooned Madame the widow
+Palliard-Dubose.
+
+"_À votre, Madame_," replied her Lieutenant, quaffing the whole
+issue in one motion. Paraffin, ladies and gentlemen, pure undiluted
+paraffin--paugh! wow! ouch!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If the fellow I met in the Lille Club who reads women's souls and gets
+'em to feed out of his hand should also happen to read this, will he
+please write and tell me what my next move is? PATLANDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "IT'S PERFECTLY SIMPLE, UNCLE--TWO SLOW, THREE QUICK,
+THREE SIDE CHASSÉES, WOBBLE WOBBLE, LAME DUCK, LAME DUCK, DIP,
+GRASSHOPPER, TWO SLOW, SWIVEL, SCISSORS, JAZZ-ROLL, KICK, TURN, TWO
+CHASSÉES, BACK, TWINKLE, AND ON AGAIN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "TOO LATE FOR CLASSIFICATION.
+
+    12 March and April pullets laying rabbits."--_Advt. in Local
+    Paper_.
+
+Personally we should place these admirable birds in a class by
+themselves.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "HUNT FOR CIGARETTES.
+
+    STATE CONTROL ENDS, BUT SUPPLY STILL SCARCE."--_Daily Chronicle_.
+
+Is this the fag-end of State control, or the State control of
+fag-ends?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Girl, about 18, for grocery; permanency; experience not
+    necessary; must love locally."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+But we doubt if this attempt to constrain the tender passion within
+geographical limits will prove a "permanency."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  There was a young man from Dundee
+  Who didn't succeed with the Sea;
+      So they gave him command
+      Of the Air and the Land
+  Just to make it quite fair for all three.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE END OF THE VOLUNTEERS.
+
+  And now the fell decree by post went out
+  That all the world might understand and know
+  How that our Volunteers henceforth must live
+  A quite unkhaki'd and civilian life,
+  Stripped of their rifles, bared of bayonets too.
+  Ah, many a time had we passed by to drill
+  And scorned the loafer who hung round to see,
+  The while, with accurate swift-moving feet
+  And hands that flashed in unison, we heard
+  The Sergeant-Major's voice in anger raised
+  Because we did not mark it as he wished;
+  Or uttering words of praise for them that knew
+  To act when rear rank got itself in front.
+  And ah, we knew to mount a gallant guard,
+  To fix our sentries, and to prime them well
+  With varied information that might serve
+  To help them in their duties and to make
+  Them glib and eloquent when called upon
+  In all the changes of this martial life.
+  And we could march in line and march in fours,
+  And bear ourselves ferociously and well
+  When the inspecting officer appeared.
+  And, one great day--it was our apogee--
+  When volunteers for France were called upon,
+  A forest of accepting hands went up;
+  But nothing further ever came of it.
+  At any rate it showed a right good will
+  And stamped our Volunteers as gallant stuff
+  To serve their country should the need arise.
+  And now their rifles have been ta'en away,
+  Their side-arms are removed, and they themselves
+  Are mocked in obloquy and sunk in scorn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LINGUIST.
+
+Nancy is eleven and thinks I know everything. I never could resist or
+contradict her.
+
+"Now tell me about animals in Africa," she said. "Tell me lots."
+
+This was better than usual, for I possess a heavily-mortgaged and
+drought-stricken farm in some obscure corner of that continent and
+have spent much time disputing with beasts who refused to acknowledge
+my proprietary claims.
+
+So I told Nancy tales of lions that roared till the stars tumbled
+out of the sky with fright, and, when she crept very close to me, of
+the blue monkeys with funny old faces who swung through the trees
+and across the river-bed to steal my growing corn. I told her of the
+old ones who led them in the advance and followed in the retreat,
+chattering orders, and of the little babies who clung to their
+mothers. I told her that monkeys elected not to talk lest they should
+be made to work, but that there were a few men living who understood
+their broken speech and could hold communion with them.
+
+She led me on with little starts and questions and--well, I may all
+unwillingly have misled her as to my general intelligence.
+
+"We'll go to the Zoo to-morrow," Nancy commanded, "and you can talk to
+the monkeys and find out what they think. Let's."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Nancy shook her curls and turned her back on the patient-looking bear.
+
+"He's stupid," she said. "Why can't you find the monkeys? You know you
+promised."
+
+I suggested luncheon, but was overruled, and, on turning a corner,
+read my fate in large letters on the opposite building.
+
+"Come on," said Nancy, taking me by the hand.
+
+Her first selection was very old and melancholy. He accepted a piece
+of locust-bean with leisurely condescension and watched us with quiet
+interest as he chewed. He rather frightened me; the wisdom of all the
+ages was behind his wrinkled eyes.
+
+"When you were in your prison did the Germans feed you through the
+bars?" Nancy asked with great clearness.
+
+Several people in the vicinity became aware of our existence and,
+feeling the limelight upon me, I again mentioned the lateness of the
+hour.
+
+"Talk to him," she said. "Ask him what it's like in there."
+
+I treated the blinking monkey to a collection of clicks and chuckles
+which would have startled even a professor of the Bantu languages. He
+finished his bean and emitted a low bird-like call.
+
+"What's that?" asked Nancy.
+
+"You see," I said, "he's brown and comes from a different part of the
+country. It's like Englishmen and Frenchmen. Now, if he was blue--"
+
+"Ask that keeper," said Nancy.
+
+"He's very busy," I whispered. "We oughtn't to interrupt him."
+
+Nancy at once ran over to the man.
+
+"Have you got any blue ones?" she asked. "'Cos _he_ can talk to them.
+We'd like to see one."
+
+The man looked at me without interest. I was an amateur and a rival;
+but Nancy's smile can work wonders.
+
+"Yes, Missy," he said, "a beauty round here."
+
+We reached the cage all too soon.
+
+"Now talk," Nancy ordered.
+
+Again I went through my ridiculous performance. The monkey looked at
+the keeper.
+
+The hand which lay in mine told me that Nancy's confidence was waning.
+I knew then how much I valued it.
+
+"Not very well, is he?" I asked of the keeper. "A little out of
+sorts--this weather, you know."
+
+My reputation was in his hands, but I dared make no sign. Nancy's eyes
+were on my face.
+
+The man looked at me and then at the eager little face below him.
+"Heavy cold, Sir," he said stolidly. "Always makes 'em a bit hard o'
+hearing. Poor old Topsy! Want to be left alone, do you?"
+
+"What a pity," said Nancy. "Mother _will_ be sorry to hear that the
+only one you could speak to was so ill and deaf."
+
+"What were you giving him?" she asked as we walked away.
+
+"Only a little New Year present for his children," I said.
+
+"How do you know he's got any children?" Nancy demanded. "He didn't
+say so, did he?"
+
+"No, but I'm quite certain he has," I answered.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Letter received by an officer in Egypt:--
+
+    "Sir I have the honour and the opportunity to write you a letter
+    and I am coming to ask you and to pray you perhapse perchance it
+    is possible to found for me employment for translator. I am verry
+    sorry and mutch vex grieve bother pester haras teass consequently
+    accordingly consequtivey I made you acknowledg may petion request
+    and to bid you peradvanture well you occpied me for 6 months with
+    a contract. I beg you verry mutch to anwer respond reply if that
+    letter I supose deeme concieve cogitate mediat when you will
+    received my letter you will respond me at once imadiatty from
+    your cervill and faitfull."
+
+It is inferred that the would-be "translator" kept a dictionary at his
+elbow and took no chances.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Visitor_. "YOU FOUGHT WITH THE GALLANT 51ST DIVISION,
+DID YOU NOT?"
+
+_Scot_. "AY--D'YE MIND MY FACE?"
+
+_Visitor_. "OH--NOT AT ALL."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._)
+
+I wonder if I am alone in a feeling of impatience and bewilderment
+over what I may call half-fairy stories. Magic I understand and love;
+but this now diluted form of it leaves me cold. Take for example the
+book that has occasioned this complaint, _The Curious Friends_ (ALLEN
+AND UNWIN), an unconventional and perhaps just a little silly tale
+about a secret association of children and grownups, pledged to mutual
+help and a variety of altruistic aims--a scheme, with all its faults,
+at least human and understandable. But Miss C.J. DELAGREVE has chosen
+to complicate it by (apparently) a dash of the supernatural, in the
+person of a character called _Saint Ken_, about whom we are told
+that he lived in a tunnel on the Underground and employed himself in
+helping distressed passengers. Well, what I in my brutal way want to
+know is whether this is a joke, or what. Because if I have to credit
+it, over goes the rest of the plot into frank make-believe. And
+fantasy of this kind consorts but ill with a scheme that embraces
+such realities as heart-failure and typhus. Not in any case that Miss
+DELAGEEVE'S plot could be called exactly convincing. "Preposterous"
+would be the apter word for this society of the Blue-Bean Wearers, in
+which vague elderly persons wandered about with sadly self-conscious
+children and talked like the dialogue in clever books. This at least
+was the impression conveyed to me. I may add that I was continually
+aware of a certainty that Miss DELAGREVE will do very much better when
+she selects a simpler and less affected subject.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _Douglas Jerrold_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) Mr. WALTER JERROLD has
+executed a pious task. He has written the life of his grandfather, and
+has done it with great enthusiasm. The work is in two volumes, one
+thick and the other thin, and sometimes I cannot help feeling that
+one volume, the thin one, would have been enough. DOUGLAS JERROLD'S
+reputation depends upon his work in _Punch_ and his writing of plays,
+of which nearly seventy stand to his credit. To _Punch_ he contributed
+from the second number and soon became a power by means of "Mrs.
+Caudle's Curtain Lectures," "The Story of a Feather" and countless
+other articles which suited the taste of the public of that day. Of
+his work for _Punch_ there is only the barest mention in this book,
+for that story has already been told at some length by the same
+author. In the present book Mr. WALTER JERROLD devotes a large amount
+of space to a review of DOUGLAS JERROLD'S theatrical pieces. Where
+now is a five-act comedy, entitled _Bubbles of the Day_, which at the
+time of its production was described as "one of the wittiest and best
+constructed comedies in the English language"? I am afraid that this
+comedy, and even _Black-eyed Susan_, JERROLD'S greatest triumph, have
+passed away into the limbo of forgotten plays and can never return
+to us. Another drama had in it as one of the characters "a certain
+cowardly English traveller named Luckless Tramp," a name, I should
+have thought, quite sufficient in itself to swamp every possible
+chance of success; yet our forefathers seem to have had no difficulty
+in accommodating themselves to it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In an author's note to _Moon of Israel_ (MURRAY) Sir H. RIDER HAGGARD
+tells us that his book "suggests that the real Pharaoh of the Exodus
+was not Meneptah or Merenptah, son of Rameses the Great, but the
+mysterious usurper, Amenmeses ..." I am not a student of Egyptology,
+and in this little matter of AMENMESES am perfectly content to trust
+myself to Sir RIDER, and, provided that he tells a good tale, to
+follow him wherever he chooses to lead the way. And this story, put
+into the mouth of _Ana_, the scribe, is packed with mystery and magic
+and miracles and murder. For fear, however, that this may sound a
+little too exhausting for your taste, let me add that the main theme
+is the love of the _Crown Prince of Egypt_ for the Israelite, _Lady
+Merapi, Moon of Israel_. Sir RIDER'S hand has lost none of its
+cunning, and, though his dialogue occasionally provokes a smile when
+one feels that seriousness is demanded, he is here as successful as
+ever in creating or, at any rate, in reproducing atmosphere. I hope,
+when you read this tale of the Pharaohs, that you will not find that
+your memory of the Book of Exodus is as faded as I found mine to be.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. CHRISTOPHER CULLEY, whom you may remember for a bustling, rather
+cinematic story called _Naomi of the Mountains_, has now followed this
+with another, considerably better. _Lily of the Alley_ (CASSELL) is,
+in spite of a title of which I cannot too strongly disapprove, as
+successful a piece of work of its own kind as anyone need wish for,
+showing the author to have made a notable advance in his art. Again
+the setting is Wild West, on the Mexican border, the theme of the tale
+being the outrages inflicted upon American citizens by VILLA, and what
+seemed then the bewildering delay of Washington over the vindication
+of the flag. The "Alley" of its unfortunate name is the slum in Kansas
+City where _Dave_, stranded on his way westward, met the girl to whom
+the laws of fiction were inevitably to join him. I fancy that one of
+Mr. CULLEY'S difficulties may have lain in the fact that, when the
+tale, following _Dave_, had finally shaken itself from the dust of
+cities, the need for feminine society was conspicuously less urgent.
+Even after a rescued and refreshed _Lily_ is brought up-country,
+she is kept, so to speak, as long as possible at the base, and
+only arrives on the actual scene of _Dave's_ activities in time to
+be bustled hurriedly out of the way of the final (and wonderfully
+thrilling) chapters. The explanation is, I think, that the cowboy,
+whom he knows so well, is for Mr. CULLEY hero and heroine too. _Dave_,
+round whom the story revolves, is a pleasant study of a type of
+American youth which we are coming gratefully to estimate at its true
+worth; but in the development of the theme _Dave_ soon becomes
+almost insignificant beside the greater figure of the cowboy, _Monte
+Latarette_. For him alone I should regard the book as one not to be
+missed by anyone who values a handling of character at once delicate
+and masterful.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Keeling Letters and Recollections_ (ALLEN AND UNWIN) is a book that
+will perhaps rouse varied emotions in those who read it. Regret
+there will be for so much youth and intellectual vigour sacrificed;
+admiration for courage and for a patriotism that circumstances made by
+no means the simple matter of conviction that it has been for most;
+and vehement opposition to many of the views (on the War especially)
+held by the subject of the memoir. By sympathy and environment KEELING
+was, to begin with, a wholehearted admirer of Germany. Strangely, in
+one of his social views, he carried this admiration even to the extent
+of advocating a Teutonic control that should include Holland. To such
+a mind the outbreak of war with Germany may well have seemed the last
+horror. But he admitted no choice. Within a few days he was a private
+soldier; he was killed, as sergeant-major, while bombing a trench on
+August 18, 1916. The spirit in which he entered the War is shown in
+an extract from a letter: "What we have got to do in the interest of
+Europe is to fight Germany without passion, with respect." How grimly
+those last two words sound now! Through everything KEELING held with a
+generous obstinacy to his original prejudices. Germany remained most
+tragically his second fatherland. Somewhere he writes, "I expect I
+shall be a stronger Pacifist after the war than any of the people who
+are Pacifists now. But I don't feel one will have earned the right to
+be one _unless one has gone in with the rest_." The italics are mine.
+Before a vindication so unanswerable criticism has no further word to
+say.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from collected works, of Viscount HALDANE OF CLOAN, O.M.,
+K.T., Op. 3001, Minister of Reconstruction. Report of the Machinery
+of Government Committee (Cd. 9230), par. 12:--
+
+    "We have come to the conclusion, after surveying what came
+    before us, that in the sphere of civil government the duty of
+    investigation and thought, as preliminary to action, might
+    with great advantage be more definitely recognised."
+
+"That's the stuff to give 'em."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Every boy in the street knows that all component factors in
+    Jugo-Slav countries have proclaimed the union of Jugo-Slavia
+    under the sceptre of the Karagorgjevic dynasty, and that the
+    jurisdiction of the new Jugo-Slav Government extends over
+    Belgrade and Nish, as well as over Zagreb, Sarajevo, Spljet,
+    or Ljubljana."--_Letter to "Manchester Guardian."_
+
+Then why all this talk about the necessity of higher education!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Cophetua's Queen (on her first visit to a new royal
+residence)._ "OH, COPH! AIN'T IT A DINK!"
+
+_King Cophetua_. "My DEAR CHILD, BEFORE REMARKING THAT IT IS ALL YOURS
+AND NOT GOOD ENOUGH, I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT YOUR LANGUAGE,
+THOUGH EXCUSABLE, IS NOT QUITE IN KEEPING WITH YOUR ELEVATED
+POSITION."]
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Punch, Volume 156, January 22, 1919., by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11225 ***