diff options
Diffstat (limited to '11133-0.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 11133-0.txt | 1586 |
1 files changed, 1586 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/11133-0.txt b/11133-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..87dd5fc --- /dev/null +++ b/11133-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1586 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11133 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11133-h.htm or 11133-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/1/3/11133/11133-h/11133-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/1/3/11133/11133-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 156. + +JANUARY 8, 1919. + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The mystery of the Foreign Office official who has not gone to Paris +for the Peace Conference has been cleared up. He is the caretaker. + + *** + +"The King and Queen of Roumania," says a Paris paper, "will embark +after Christmas, orthodox style, for Western Europe." It is easy +enough to start a voyage, orthodox style; the difficulty is at the +other end. + + *** + +The supreme command of the German Navy, says a telegram, has been +transferred to Wilhelmshaven. This looks like carelessness on the +part of the watch at Scapa Flow. + + *** + +This year's _Who's Who_ has eighty-six more pages than that of last +year. On the other hand, since the Election quite a number of people +are not Who at all. + + *** + +"The present rule in _Who's Who_," says _The Evening News_, "is that +the more important a man is the less space he is content to occupy." +As some of the staff of our evening Press do not occupy any space at +all in this excellent publication we leave readers to draw their own +conclusions. + + *** + +The _Frankfürter Zeitung_ observes that the ex-Kaiser has grown very +silent and morose. It is supposed that he has something or other on +his mind. + + *** + +A Copenhagen message states that the Spartacus people have three +times attempted to murder Count REVENTLOW, who is said to regard +these attempts as being in the worst possible taste. + + *** + +Once again the newspapers have been beaten. It appears that Princess +PATRICIA knew of her engagement some time before the Press announced +it to Her Royal Highness. + + *** + +"We still believe," says the _Kölnische Zeitung_, "that in thought the +German and the Britisher are racially akin." All the same we should +not encourage the Hun to come over here with the idea of making a +spiritual home among his alleged relatives. + + *** + +Charged with drunkenness at the Thames Police Court a man attributed +his condition to the beer habit. It is remarkable how men will cling +to any sort of excuse. + + *** + +Woolwich Arsenal, we are informed, is turning out milk-cans. Can +nothing be done, asks a pacifist, to save our children from the +insidious grip of militarism? + + *** + +Nottinghamshire War Committee states that rat-catchers are now +demanding four pounds a week. Diplomacy, it appears, is the only +branch of British sport that has succeeded in escaping the taint of +professionalism. + + *** + +"Fractious mules," says a correspondent of _The Daily Mail_, "should +not be sent to the country for sale." The playful kind, on the other +hand, that bite and kick from sheer _joie de vivre_, are bound to have +a beneficial effect on the agricultural temperament. + + *** + +A Guildford allotment-holder successfully grew new potatoes for +Christmas-day dinner. All were eaten, it appears, except one, which +was kept to show to the Christmas pudding. + + *** + +There is no truth in the report that Mr. DANIELS, U.S. Secretary for +the Navy, has received a telegram from Mr. WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST, +saying, "You furnish the navy and I'll furnish the war." + + *** + +"The Crystal Palace," says. Dean INGE, "is the embodiment of spiritual +emptiness." A determined attempt is to be made to find out what the +Crystal Palace thinks of Dean INGE. + + *** + +Stories of an unsuccessful Candidate in the Midlands, who was heard to +admit that the voters probably preferred his opponent's personality, +must be definitely regarded as apocryphal. + + *** + +Traditions in Scotland die hard. We gather that it is stili considered +unlucky for a red-headed burglar to cross a Scottish threshold on New +Year's Eve. + + *** + +A man at Berne has recently confessed to a murder he committed +twenty-one years ago. This is what comes of memory-training. + + *** + +It is reported that TROTSKY has been ordered by his doctor to take +a complete rest. He has therefore decided not to have any more +revolutions for the present. Orders however will be executed in +rotation. + + *** + +Credit where credit is due. A woman fined at Wood Green Police Court +said her name was JOLLY and she had been having a "jollification," yet +the magistrate refrained from comment. + + *** + +"Where was the Poet Laureate during the visit of President Wilson?" +asks a correspondent in a contemporary. We do not share this +curiosity. + + *** + +"Foxes are to be found within an omnibus ride of Charing Cross," says +Mr. RICHARD KEARTON. Young omnibuses with plenty of bone and stamina +are the best for suburban meets. + + *** + +Anemones, said a lecturer at the Royal Institution, will live as long +as sixty years in captivity and are very intelligent. Nevertheless we +refuse to swallow the story about their being taught to jump through a +hoop. The man who told it must have been thinking of an Egyptian king +of the same name. + + *** + +The LORD-LIEUTENANT, it is stated on good authority, threatens that +if Sinn Fein prisoners destroy any more jails they will be rigorously +released. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Fare_. "I DEFY YOU!" + +_The Driver_. "WHO ARE YOU?" + +_The Fare_. "I AM A RETIRED TAXI-DRIVER."] + + * * * * * + + "Sir Eric Geddes speaks of £50,000,000,000--a sum so vast that it + could not be paid off in a century of annual payments so small as + £2,000,000,000 each."--_Yorkshire Paper_. + +Our contemporary overestimates the difficulty. + + * * * * * + +THE VERDICT OF DEMOCRACY. + + The nation's memory, then, is not so short; + It still recalls the fields we lately bled on; + And when it had to choose the likeliest sort + For clearing up the mess of Armageddon + And making all things new, + It chose the man whose courage saw it through. + + Hun-lovers, pledged to Peace (the German kind), + And such as sported LENIN'S sanguine token, + Appealed to Liberty to speak her mind, + And Liberty has very frankly spoken, + Strewing around her polls + The remnants of their ungummed aureoles. + + In Amerongen there is grief to-day; + I seem to hear the martyr of Potsdam say, + "Alas for SNOWDEN, gone the downward way, + And O my poor, my poor beloved RAMSAY; + I much regret the rout + That washed this couple absolutely out!" + + Dreadfully, too, the heart of TROTSKY bleeds, + To match the stain upon his reeking sabre, + Which is the blood of Russia, when he reads + How BARNES, the champion knight of loyal Labour, + Downed in the Lowland lists + MACLEAN, the Red Hope of the Bolshevists. + + But here is jubilation in the air + And matter made to build the jocund rhyme on, + Though in our joyance some may fail to share, + Like Mr. RUNCIMAN or Major SIMON, + That hardened warrior, he + Who won the Military O.B.E. + + Already dawns for us a golden age + (Lo! with the loud "All Clear!" our pæan mingles), + An era when the OUTHWAITES cease to rage + And there is respite from the prancing PRINGLES, + And absence puts a curb + On the reluctant lips of SAMUEL (HERB.). + + O.S. + + * * * * * + +HOW TO THROW OFF AN ARTICLE. + +"Do you really write?" said Sylvia, gazing at me large-eyed with +wonder. I admitted as much. + +"And do they print it just as you write it?" + +"Well, their hired grammarians make a few trifling alterations to +justify their existence." + +"And do they pay you quite a lot?" + +"Sixpence a word." + +"Oo! How wonderful!" + +"But not for every word," I added hastily, "only the really funny +ones." + +"And they send it to you by cheques?" + +"Rather. I bought a couple of pairs of socks with the last story; +even then I had something left over." + +"And how do you write the stories?" + +"Oh, just get an idea and go right ahead." + +"How wonderful! Do you just sit down and write it straight off?" + +I just--only just--pulled myself up in time as I remembered that +Sylvia was an enthusiast of twelve whose own efforts had already +caused considerable comment in the literary circles described +round the High School. I felt this entitled her to some claim on +my veracity. + +"Sylvia," I cried, "I shall have to make a confession. All those +stories you have been good enough to read and occasionally smile over +are the result of a cold-blooded mechanical process--and the help of +a dictionary of synonyms." + +"Oo! How wonderful! Do show me how." + +"Very well. Since you are going to be a literary giantess it is well +that you should be initiated into the mysteries of producing what I +shall call the illusion of spontaneity. Now take this story here. Here +on this old envelope is THE IDEA." + +"Oo! Let me see. I can't read a word." + +"Of course you can't; nobody could. Rough copies are divided into +classes as follows:-- + +"No. 1. Those I can read, but nobody else can. + +"No. 2. Those I can't read myself after two days. + +"No. 3. Those my typist can read. + +"This story is about a certain Brigade Major who is an inveterate +leg-puller. Some Americans are expected to be coming for instruction. +Well, before they arrive the Brigade Major has to go up to the line, +and on his way he meets a man with a very new tin hat who asks him +in a certain nasal accent we have all come to love if he has seen +anything of a party of Americans. Spotting him as a new chum, the +Brigade Major offers to show him round the line, and proceeds to pull +his leg and tells him the most preposterous nonsense. For instance, +on a shot being fired miles away he pretends they are in frightful +danger, and leads him bent double round and round trenches in the +same circle." + +"What a shame!" + +"Wasn't it? Well, when he gets tired he asks the American if he thinks +he has learnt anything. The American says, 'Gee, I've been out here +two years now, but I guess you've taught me a whole heap I didn't +know. I'm a Canadian tunneller, you know, and I've got to show some +Americans our work, but I guess I've had a most interesting time +with you." + +"Ha! ha!" + +"Well now, to put the story into its form. Here's Copy No. 1, on +this old envelope. 'Americans coming--Brigade Major sees American +looking for party--pulls his leg--pretends to being in frightful +danger--American is Canadian who has been out two years.' See? Copy +No. 2. Here we begin to till in. Describe Brigade headquarters and +previous leg-pulls of Brigade Major. Make up details of what he tells +the American--'That's a trench. That thing you fell over is a coil +of wire. This is a sunken road--we sunk it, etc., etc.' Copy No. +3, additions and details, little touches of local colour, revision +of choice of words, heart-rending erasions. And here, my child," I +concluded, bringing out the beautiful, clean, smooth typed copy--"here +is the finished work itself, light, pleasant, fluent, humorous and, +most important of all, spontaneous." + +"Oo! But how awfully cold-blooded. I thought you smiled to yourself +all the time you wrote it." + +"My dear girl, it takes hours. If I smiled continually all that length +of time the top of my head would come off." + +"Isn't it wonderful? Fancy building it all up from jottings on an old +envelope! What's that piece of paper you took out of the typed copy?" + +"Oh, that's nothing to do with the literary side of it," I said, +crumpling up the little memorandum, which said that the Editor +presented compliments and regretted that he was unable to make +use of the enclosed contribution. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Henderson ... was received with a cry of 'He is not on the + map now.'"--_Times_. + +It is supposed that his supporter meant to say "not on the mat"--in +reference to an incident at the close of Mr. HENDERSON'S Ministerial +career. But many a true word is said in the Press by inadvertence. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE WAR AGAINST THE PUBLIC. + +PROFITEERING HEN. "NOTHING DOING AT FIVEPENCE. BUT I MIGHT PERHAPS LAY +YOU ONE FOR NINEPENCE. WHAT! YOU THOUGHT THE WAR WAS OVER? NOT _MY_ +WAR."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Dear Old Lady (to returning warrior)_. "WELCOME BACK +TO BLIMEY!"] + + * * * * * + +A DEMOBILISATION DISASTER. + +Private Randle Janvers Binderbeck and Private John Hodge (of No. 12 +Platoon) both enlisted in 1914. Previously Handle wrote articles, +mostly denunciatory. He denounced the Government of the day, tight +skirts, Christian Science, scorching on scooters, the foreign policy +of Patagonia and many other things. John, on the other hand, had not +an agile brain. He worked on a farm in some incredibly primitive +capacity, and the only thing that he denounced was the quality of +the beer at the "Waggon and Horses." It certainly was bad. + +In the Army Randle had no ambition except to get out of it and to +remain a private while in it. His ambition for his civil career was +tremendous. He tried to prod the placid John (his neighbour in their +hut) into an equal ambition. + +"My poor Hodge," said Randle to John, "you must cultivate a soul above +manure. Does it satisfy you, as a man made in the image of God, to be +able to distinguish between a mangold and a swede? Think of the glory +of literature, the power of the writer to send forth his burning words +to millions and sway public opinion as the west wind sways the pliant +willow." + +"I dunno as I'd prefer that to bird-scaring or suchlike," murmured +John. + +Goaded by such beast-like placidity, Randle would forget all restraint +in trying to lash John into a worthy ambition. + +It was for talking after "Lights out" that Randle and John were given +a punishment of three days' confinement to barracks. Randle, pouring +out a devastating torrent of words in the manner of a public orator, +bitterly denounced the punishment; John, who had merely snored (the +Captain said it took two to make a conversation), bore it with the +stoicism of ignorance. + +Randle used to dream of Peace Day. He heard Sir DOUGLAS HAIG order his +Chief-of-Staff to summon Private Randle Janvers Binderbeck. "Release +him at once," said HAIG, in Randle's dream, "to resume his colossal +mission as leader and director of public opinion." + +If John dreamed, it was of messy farmyards and draughty fields; but it +is improbable that he dreamed at all. + +They both went to the War and faced the Hun. Randle thought of the +Hun only as a possible wrecker of his career, therefore as a foe of +mankind. John hardly thought of the Hun except in the course of coming +into contact with him, and then he used his bayonet with careless +zeal. + +Randle steeled himself against the rough edges of soldiering. He +allowed neither the curses of corporals nor the familiarities of +second-lieutenants to affect his dreams of the future. Always, even +_sotto voce_ in the last five minutes before going over the top, he +kept before John his vision splendid. + +It was thoir luck to remain together and unhurt. Then arrived the +great day when the Hun confessed defeat. Randle vainly awaited a sign +from the Commander-in-Chief. + +There came, however, a moment when No. 12 Platoon was paraded at the +Company Orderly-room. Particulars were to be taken before filling up +demobilisation forms. Men were to be grouped, on paper, according to +the nation's demand for their return to civil life. + +Randle Janvers Binderbeck knew this was _der Tag_. Magnanimously he +overlooked the delay and felt that HAIG might, after all, have an +excuse. John Hodge remained placid. He had long ago classed Randle's +goadings with heavies and machine-guns, as unavoidable incidents of +warfare. + +Randle and John were called into the orderly-room together. By an +obvious error John was first summoned to the table. + +"Well, Hodge," said the Company Sergeant-Major, "what's your job in +civil life?" + +"I dunno as I got any special job," said John. "I just sort o' helped +on the farm." + +"You must have a group," said the C.S.M. "What did you mostly do +before the War?" + +"S' far as that do go," said John, "I were mostly a bird-scarer." + +"'Bird-scarer,'" said the C.S.M. "I know there's a heading for that +somewhere. Agricultural, ain't it? 'Bird-scarer.' Ah, here we are. +'Group 1.' You'll be one of the first for release." + +The Company Clerk noted the fact, and the C.S.M. called "Next man." + +Randle Janvers Binderbeck stepped forward. + +"What's your job, Binderbeck?" said the C.S.M. + +(To ask Lord NORTHCLIFFE, "Do you sell newspapers?" To ask BOSWELL, +"Have you heard of a man named JOHNSON?" TO ask HENRY VIII, "Were you +ever married?") + +The futility of the question flabbergasted Randle. + +"Come on, man," said the C.S.M. + +Randle made an effort. "Journalist," he said. + +"'Journalist,'" said the C.S.M., "'Journalist.' Yes, I thought so. +'Group 41.' You've got a long way to go, my lad. You'd have done +better if you was a bird-scarer, like Hodge. Them's the boys the +nation wants--Group 1 boys. You sticks in the Army for another six +months' fatigue. Next man." + +That was all. + +John Hodge is now soberly awaiting demobilisation, and will not have +to wait long. + +Randle Janvers Binderbeck is secretly consoling himself by writing the +most denunciatory articles. They will never be published, but they +afford an alternative to cocaine. + +He feels that he can never again consent to sway public opinion as the +west wind, etc., in the interests of a nation which rates him forty +groups lower than an animated scarecrow. + +It is the nation's own fault, Randle is blameless. + + * * * * * + +A NOISY SALUTE. + +From a review of _The Remembered Kiss_, in _The Westminster +Gazette_:-- + + "It would be doing Miss Ayres an injustice to suppose that + there is only one kiss to remember in the whole of her novel, + but the one which gives its title is bestowed by a young and + handsome burglar, and received by a girl who mistook the noise + he was making for a thunders torm." + +As TENNYSON says in _The Day-Dream_: "O love, thy kiss would wake the +dead!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Father (bringing son home from party)_. "WELL, OLD +CHAP, WERE THERE PLENTY OF LITTLE GIRLS FOR YOU TO DANCE WITH?" + +_Son (rather proud of himself)_. "OH, THERE WERE SOME KIDS ABOUT, BUT +_I_ DANCED WITH A GIRL OF SIXTEEN--AND, BY JOVE, SHE LOOKED IT."] + + * * * * * + +FREAKS OF FOOD-CONTROL. + + Though Mrs. Midas shows a righteous zeal + In preaching self-control at every meal, + She never in her stately home forgets + To cater freely for her precious pets. + + On cheese and soup she feeds her priceless "Pekie"-- + Stilton and Cheddar, Bortch and Cocky-leekie; + And Max, her shrill-voiced "Pom," politely begs + For his diurnal dole of new-laid eggs. + + Semiramis, her noble Persian cat, + Threatens to grow inelegantly fat + Upon asparagus and Shaker oats, + With milk provided by two special goats. + + Meanwhile her governess subsists on greens, + Canned conger-eel or cod and butter-beans, + And often in a black ungrateful mood + Envies the dogs and cat their daintier food. + + * * * * * + + "On one side was the naval guard of honour--splendid men from + the ships of the Dover Patrol--and on the other side a military + guard from the Garrison with the band of the Buffs waiting + to play President Wilson into England with 'The tar-spangled + Banner.'"--_Provincial Paper_. + +A pretty compliment to the naval escort. + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +Our Mr. MacTavish is a man with a past. He is now a cavalry subaltern +and he was once a sailor. As a soldier at sea is never anything but +an object of derision to sailors, correspondingly the mere idea of a +sailor on horseback causes the utmost merriment among soldiers. + +"Sailors on horseback!"--the very words bring visions of apoplectic +mariners careering madly across sands, three to a horse, every limb +in convulsion. Why, it's one of the world's stock jokes. + +The pathetic part of it is that, obeying the law of opposites, the +saddle has an irresistible and fatal attraction for the poor chaps. +They take to it on every possible and impossible occasion. You can see +them playing alleged polo at Malta, riding each other off at right +angles and employing their sticks as grappling irons. You can see them +over from the Rock whooping after Spanish foxes, bestriding their +steeds anywhere but in the appointed place. + +As every proper farmer's boy has long, long thoughts of magic oceans, +spice isles and clipper ships, so I will warrant every normal Naval +officer dreams of a little place in the grass counties, a stableful +of long-tails and immortal runs with the Quorn and Pytchley. + +It was thus with our Mr. MacTavish, anyhow. A stern parent and a +strong-armed crammer projected him into the Navy, and in the Navy +he remained for years bucketing about the salt seas in light and +wobbly cruisers, enforcing intricate Bait Laws off Newfoundland in +mid-winter, or playing hide-and-seek with elusive dhows on the Equator +in midsummer, but always with a vision of that little place in his +mind's eye. + +His opportunity arrived with the demise of the stern parent and the +acquisition of a comfortable legacy. MacTavish sent in his papers and +stepped ashore for good. He discovered the haven of his heart's desire +in the neighbourhood of Melton, purchased a pig and a cow (which +turned out to be a bullock) to give the little place a homely air, +engaged a terrier for ratting and intercourse, and with the assistance +of some sympathetic dealers was assembling as comprehensive a +collection of curbs, spavins, sprung tendons, pin-toes, herring-guts, +ewe-necks, cow-hocks and capped elbows as could be found between the +Tweed and Tamar, when--Mynheer W. HOHENZOLLERN (as he is to-day) went +and done it. + +The evening of August 4th, 1914, discovered MacTavish sitting on the +wall of his pig-sty, his happy hunting prospects shot to smithereens, +arguing the position out with the terrier. He must attend to this +war, that was clear, but need he necessarily go back to the salt sea? +Couldn't he do his bit in some other service? What about the Cavalry? +That would mean galloping about Europe on a jolly old gee, shouting +"Hurrah!" and cutlassing the foot-passengers. A merry life, combining +all the glories of fox-hunting with only twenty-five per cent. of its +safety--according to _Jorrocks_. + +What about the Cavalry, then? The terrier semaphored complete +approbation with its tail stump and even the pig made enthusiastic +noises. + +A month later MacTavish turned up in a Reserve Regiment of Cavalry at +the Curragh as a "young officer." The Riding-Master treated his case +as no more hopeless than anybody else's and MacTavish was making +average progress until one evening in the anteroom he favoured the +company with a few well-spiced Naval reminiscences. + +Next morning the Riding-Master was convulsed with merriment at the +mere sight of him, addressed him variously as Jellicoe, Captain +Kidd and Sinbad, and, after first warning MacTavish not to imagine +he was ashore at Port Said riding the favourite in a donkey Derby, +translated all his instructions into nautical language. For instance: +"Right rein--haul the starboard yoke line; gallop--full steam ahead; +halt--cast anchor; dismount--abandon ship," and so forth, giving his +delicate and fanciful sense of humour full play and evoking roars +of laughter from the whole house. It did not take MacTavish long to +realise that, no matter what he said, he would never again be taken +seriously in that place; he was, in fact, the world's stock joke, a +sailor on horseback (Ha, ha, ha!). + +He set his jaw and was determined that he would not be caught tripping +again; there should be no more reminiscences. Once clear of Ireland he +would bury his past. + +All this happened years ago. + +When I came back from leave the other day I asked for Albert Edward. +"He and MacTavish are up at Corpse H.Q.," said the skipper; "they're +helping the A.P.M. straighten the traffic out. By the way you'd +better trickle up there and relieve them, as they're both going on +leave in a day or so." + +I trickled up to Corpse and eventually discovered Albert Edward alone, +practising the three-card trick with a view to a career after the War. +"You'll enjoy this Mess," said he, turning up "the Lady" where he +least expected her; "it's made up of Staff eccentrics--Demobilizing, +Delousing, Educational, Laundry and Burial _wallahs_--all sorts, very +interesting; you'll learn how the other half lives and all that. Oh, +that reminds me. You know poor old MacTavish's secret, don't you?" + +"Of course," said I; "everybody does. Why?" + +Albert Edward grinned. "Because there's another bloke here with a dark +past, only this is t'other way about; he's a bumpkin turned sailor, +Blenkinsop by name, you know, the Shropshire hackney breeders. He's +Naval Division. Ever rub against those merchants?" + +I had not. + +"Well, I have," Albert Edward went on. "They're wonders; pretend +they're in mid-ocean all the time, stuck in the mud on the Beaucourt +Ridge, gummed in the clay at Souchez--anywhere. They 'come aboard' +a trench and call their records-office--a staid and solid bourgeois +dwelling in Havre--_H.M.S. Victory_. If you were bleeding to death and +asked for the First Aid Post they wouldn't understand you; you've got +to say 'Sick bay' or bleed on. If you want a meal you've got to call +the cook-house 'The galley,' or starve. + +"This _matelot_ Blenkinsop has got it very badly. He obtained all his +sea experience at the Crystal Palace and has been mud-pounding up and +down France for three years, and yet here we have him now pretending +there's no such thing as dry land." + +"Not an unnatural delusion," I remarked. + +"Well," resumed Albert Edward, "across the table from him sits our old +MacTavish, lisping, 'What is the Atlantic? Is it a herb?' I'll bet my +soul they're in their billets at this moment, MacTavish mugging up +some stable-patter out of NAT GOULD, and Blenkinsop imbibing a dose +of ship-chatter from 'BARTIMEUS.' They'll come in for food presently, +MacTavish doing what he imagines to be a 'cavalry-roll,' tally-hoing +at the top of his voice, and Blenkinsop weaving his walk like the +tough old sea-dog he isn't, ship a-hoying and avasting for dear life." + +"They're both going on leave with you to-morrow, aren't they?" I +asked. + +Albert Edward nodded. + +"Then their game is up," said I. + +Albert Edward's brow crinkled. "I don't quite get you." + +"My dear old fool," said I, "it's blowing great guns now. With the +leave-packet doing the unbusted broncho act for two hours on end it +shouldn't be very difficult to separate the sheep from the goat, the +true-blue sailor from the pea-green lubber, should it? They may be +able to bluff each other, but not the silvery Channel in mid-winter." + +Albert Edward slapped his knee and laughed aloud. + + * * * * * + +They all came back from England last night. I lost no time in +cornering Albert Edward. + +"Well, everything worked just as I prophesied, didn't it?" said I. +"With the first buck the old boat gave Blenkinsop tottered to the +rail and--" + +Albert Edward shook his head. + +"No, he didn't. He ate a pound of morphia and lay in the Saloon +throughout sleeping like a little child." + +"But MacTavish?" I stammered. + +"Oh, MacTavish," said Albert Edward--"MacTavish took an emetic." + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RECONSTRUCTION SHOCKS. + +_Pianist (accompanying celebrated prima donna at classical concert +after three years of sing-songs in Army huts)_. "NOW THEN, BOYS! DROWN +HER WELL IN THE CHORUS!"] + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + + "The post-war ---- will be the one car from which the owner with + moderate ideas can obtain the minimum amount of genuine pleasure + and satisfaction."--_Advt. in Trade Paper_. + + * * * * * + +From an account of a film-drama:-- + + "Horrified at his pseudanimity she agrees to the + deception,"--_Provincial Paper_. + +It sounds rather pusillonymous. + + * * * * * + +MUSICAL GOSSIP. + +We are semi-officially informed on the best authority that the +undermentioned nominations--some of which have already been +accepted--to the thrones and chairs now vacant in various parts of +the world have been made and approved by the Allied Governments. + +Foremost among these is the nomination "by acclamation" of RICHARD +STRAUSS as King of the Cannibal Islands. It is understood that the +illustrious composer has already arrived and that a grand congress +of Anthropophagi with suitable festivities is in contemplation. + +Two nominations which have been the cause of great satisfaction in +diplomatic circle are those of Mr. MARK HAMBOURG to the Kingdom of +Palestine, and that of M. MOISEIWITCH to the throne of the Solomon +Islands. Jamborees of jubilation are already rife in the latter +locality. + +Sir HENRY WOOD has been simultaneously approached from two quarters. +The leading citizens of Sonora have offered him the Presidentship of +that interesting State. At the same time an urgent invitation has been +sent to the eminent conductor offering him the throne of the Empire of +Percussia. Sir HENRY'S decision is awaitod with feverish anxiety. + +It is stated by the _Corriere della Sera_ that Madame MELBA, +the Australian nightingale, has been chosen to preside over the +Jug-jugo-Slav Republic, while Madame CLARA BUTT has been unanimously +elected Empress of Patagonia. + +Sir THOMAS BEECHAM'S selection from among the candidates for the +throne of New Guinea, is regarded as a foregone conclusion. The famous +violinist, Mr. ALBERT SAMMONS, has so far returned no final answer +to the offer of the Crown of Sordinia, but it is believed that he +cannot long remain mute to the touching appeal of the signatories. A +favourable answer is also expected from Mlle. Jelly Aranyi, who has +been nominated Queen of Guava. + +On the other hand Sir EDWARD ELGAR, O.M., has steadfastly declined the +Tsardom of Bulgaria, even though it was proposed to change the name of +the country to Elgaria. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Milliner_. "HOW DOES MODOM LIKE THIS LITTLE BIRD OF +PARADISE MODEL? IT BECOMES MODOM VERY WELL." + +_Customer_. "YES, IT _IS_ RATHER NICE, BUT _(remembers her obligations +as a mother)_ HOW MANY COUPONS?"] + + * * * * * + +TO AN EGYPTIAN BOY. + + Child of the gorgeous East, whose ardent suns + Have kissed thy velvet skin to deeper lustre + And given thine almond eyes + A look more calm and wise + Than any we pale Westerners can muster, + Alas! my mean intelligence affords + No clue to grasp the meaning of the words + Which vehemently from thy larynx leap. + How is it that the liquid language runs? + "_Nai_--_soring_--_trîf_--_erwonbi_--_aster_--_ferish_--_îp_." + + E'en so, methinks, did CLEOPATRA WOO + Her vanquished victor, couched on scented roses, + And PHARAOH from his throne + With more imperious tone + Addressed in some such terms rebellious MOSES; + And esoteric priests in Theban shrines, + Their ritual conned from hieroglyphic signs, + Thus muttered incantations dark and deep + To Isis and Osiris, Thoth and Shu: + "_Nai_--_soring_--_trîf_--_erwonbi_--_aster_--_ferish_--_îp_." + + In all my youthful studies why was this + Left out? What tutor shall I blame my folly on? + From Sekhet-Hetepu + Return to mortal view, + O shade of BRUGSCH or MARIETTE or CHAMPOLLION; + Expound the message latent in his speech + Or send a clearer medium, I beseech; + For lo! I listen till I almost weep + For anguish at the priceless gems I miss: + "_Nai_--_soring_--_trîf_--_erwonbi_--_aster_--_ferish_--_îp_." + + To sundry greenish orbs arranged on trays-- + Unripe, unluscious fruit--he draws attention. + My mind, till now so dark, + Receives a sudden spark + That glows and flames to perfect comprehension; + And I, whom no Rosetta Stone assists, + Become the peer of Egyptologists, + From whom exotic tongues no secrets keep; + For this is what the alien blighter says: + "Nice orang'; three for one piastre; very cheap." + + * * * * * + + "Napoleon was crowned Emperor of the French on December 2nd, 1804, + and abdicated in 1914. On December 2nd, 1918, the papers announced + the formal abdication of Wilhelm II. of Germany."--_Kent + Messenger_. + +WILHELM probably wishes that he had chosen the same date for his +abdication as NAPOLEON. + + * * * * * + + When a dear little lady from Lancashire + Came to London to act as a bank cashier, + And asked, "Is it true + 1 + 1 = 2?" + They thought they'd revert to a man cashier. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BABES IN THE WOOD. + +THE OLD LIBERAL NURSERY (_moribund but sanguine_). "NO MATTER--A +TIME WILL COME!"] + + * * * * * + +PARLIAMENTARY CASUALTIES. + +Dear Mr. Punch,--I am told that Mr. ASQUITH considers that this +has been a most unsatisfactory election. So do I. As you know, the +principal function of the House of Commons nowadays is to provide +amusing "copy" for the late editions of the evening papers and to give +the "sketch"-writers a chance of exercising their pretty wits. As Mr. +SPENCER LEIGH HUGHES once remarked in an after-dinner speech to Mr. +BALFOUR, "You, Sir, are our raw material." + +Now, what I complain of is that on the present occasion the voters +have entirely disregarded the needs of the journeymen of the Press, +and have ruthlessly deprived them of the greater part of their raw +material. Mr. HUGHES himself, I am glad to see, has been spared, but +he fortunately had not to undergo the hazards of a contest. I tremble +to think what his fate might have been if at the last moment some +stodgy statesman had been nominated to oppose him. + +Against humour, conscious or unconscious, the voters seem to have +solidly set their faces. It was bad enough that Mr. JOE KING--who has +probably helped to provide more deserving journalists with a living +than any other legislator who ever lived--should have declined the +contest. Question-time without Mr. KING and his unerring nose for +mare's-nests will be like _Alice_ without _The Mad Hatter_. It was +bad, too, that Sir HEDWORTH MEUX should have decided to interrupt the +flow of that eloquence which we were forbidden to call "breezy," and +that Major "Boadicea" HUNT, Mr. JOHN BURNS, Mr. TIM HEALY, and Mr. +SWIFT MACNEILL should have withdrawn from a scene in which they had +provided so much profitable entertainment for the gods in the Press +Gallery. + +These losses made it all the more incumbent upon the electors to see +that the House should retain as much as possible of the remnant of its +comic relief. But what do we find? Why, that practically every one of +the gentlemen who made the journalist's life worth living in the last +Parliament has been cruelly turned down. + +For much of this grief the Sinn Feiners are responsible. They +have easily accomplished what a few years ago six stalwart British +constables could scarcely do and have removed the gigantic Mr. FLAVIN +from his emerald bench. With him have gone nearly all his comrades; +and the once-powerful Nationalist party, which for nearly forty years +has been such an unfailing source of sparkling paragraphs, is reduced +to the number immortalised by WORDSWORTH'S little maid. + +Almost more distressing than the loss of individuals is the breaking +up of Parliamentary partnerships. What is the use of Mr. HOUSTON being +returned if he has no longer Sir LEO CHIOZZA MONEY to heckle? Captain +PRETYMAN-NEWMAN will doubtless continue to ask questions about the +shocking condition of his native country, but without Mr. REDDY'S +squeaking _obbligato_, "Why isn't the honourable and gallant Member +out at the Front?" they will lose half their savour. He will be as +dull as Io without her gad-fly. Mr. "Boanerges" STANTON is happily +still with us, but with no pacifists to bellow at I fear that his +vocal chords will atrophy. + +Then the famous Young Scots Trio, which has given us so many +attractive "turns," has been violently dissolved. Mr. PRINGLE, whose +ample supply of vitriolic invective was always at the service of the +PRIME MINISTER, has been left by an ungrateful constituency at the +bottom of the poll, and Mr. WATT has shared his fate. It is true +that Mr. HOGGE managed to save his bacon, but without the support of +_Harlequin_ and _Pantaloon_ I fear his clowning will fail to draw. + +With so many of the old puppets gone I feel very lonely, and can +only try to comfort myself with the hope that the new Parliament may +provide some adequate substitutes. After all, so vast a machine must +contain a few cranks. + +Meantime I remain, Sir, with the highest respect, + +YOUR PARLIAMENTARY CORRESPONDENT. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Boarder (firmly)_. "YOU MUST ALLOW ME ANOTHER KNOB OF +COAL, MISS SKIMPLE. MY NERVES WILL NO LONGER BEAR THE NOISE OF THESE +SNEEZING CRICKETS."] + + * * * * * + +THE BOOM IN ARCHITECTURE. + +Since that far-away period before the War, my architectural nerve +has become sadly debilitated; so when a card (bearing the name of +Carruthers) was brought to me the other morning I felt quite unmanned. + +"Some potential client," I observed inwardly, "who has heard of the +removal of the five-hundred pound limit and has bearded me before I +have had time to get the hang of T-square and compasses again." + +I liked the appearance of Mr. Carruthers, and his greeting had a +slight ring of flattery in it that was very soothing. + +"You are Mr. Bellamy, the architect?" he said. + +"I am," I replied; "at least I was before the War." + +"And have a large practice?" he resumed. + +"I certainly had a large practice formerly," I said. "With my methods +and experience one ought to acquire an extensive _clientele_. I have +been an architect, my dear sir, man and boy for over forty years, +and have always followed the architectural fashions. In the late +seventies, when little columns of Aberdeen granite were the rage--you +know the stuff, tastes like marble and looks like brawn--I went in for +them hot and strong, and every building I touched turned to potted +meat. Then SHAW came along--BERNARD, was it? no, NORMAN--with his red +brick and gables, and I got so keen that I moved to Bedford Park to +catch the full flavour of it. + +"Next, the Ingle-nooker's found in me a willing disciple. I designed +rows of houses, all roofs and no chimneys, or all chimneys and no +roofs, it didn't matter which so long as there was an ingle-nook with +a motto over it. Why, after a time I got so expert that I simply +designed an ingle-nook and the rest seemed to grow by itself. + +"Just as the War started I had broken out in another place and was +getting into my Italian loggia-pergola-and-sunk-garden stride, and +then came the five-hundred pound limit and busted the whole show. In +fact, when you called I was wondering whether to chuck the business +and go in for writing cinema plays." + +"When I want a really fashionable house built for me," said +Carruthers, "I shall certainly come to you." + +"Ah," I said, "you have come to see me then on behalf of a friend?" + +"On behalf," he said, "of several friends." + +My chest swelled visibly. "This man," I said to myself, while reaching +for my Corona Coronas, "is planning a garden city, or at least a group +of houses on the communal plan." + +"The fact is," said Carruthers, clearing his throat, "I am a +scout-master, and my troop are collecting wastepaper, and I expect +you have any amount of old plans and things that you--" + +I was just in time to save the cigar. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I HEAR YOUR HUSBAND IS HOME FROM FRANCE. IS THE ARMY +GOING TO RELEASE HIM?" + +"WELL, 'E'S GOT A FORTNIGHT BEFORE HE GOES BACK, BUT BY THAT TIME 'E +'OPES TO BE DEMORALISED."] + + * * * * * + +FRUITS OF VICTORY. + + ["Unlimited lard may now be purchased without coupon."--_Daily + Paper_.] + + Swiftly the shadow of William the Hun + Fades from the fields that our valour has won; + Totter the thrones of our many Controllers, + Freedom is coming to man and his molars: + Doomed is the coupon and doomed is the card, + With all the embargos that hit us so hard; + Now we may purchase unlimited lard. + + Soon will the mud-spattered soldier be free; + Soon will the sailor be home from the sea: + Victory beams on the banners of Right, + This is the time to be merry and bright; + Stilled is the riot of shot and of shard + And (what a boon to the heart of the bard!) + Now we may purchase unlimited lard. + + Shout for the joy of it, waving your hats; + Where there are puttees will shortly be spats; + Never again will we form on the right, + Squad or platoon, for a sergeant's delight; + So let our faces, by discipline marred, + Shine with an unction that savours of nard, + Now we may purchase unlimited lard. + + * * * * * + +BIG BERTHA OUTRANGED. + + "Two Russian battleships and some cruisers set out from Cronstadt + to meet the British warships in the Baltic, and were fired on from + the Flemish coast."--_Yorkshire Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "After four incessant years across Dora's knee the peace New + Year ought surely to hold something good in its kindly lap for + well-strafed automobilists."--_Sketch_. + +But after four years across Dora's knee the New Year is probably not +thinking about its lap, but quite the reverse. + + * * * * * + + "The announcement of a ball in Brussels gave plenty of scope for + imaginative scribes to quote, in some cases almost correctly, + the lines about 'there was a scene of revelry by night.'"--"_Mr. + Gossip_" in "_The Daily Sketch_." + +"MR. GOSSIP," too, quotes "almost correctly." + + * * * * * + +It is hoped that if M. PADEREWSKI becomes President of the new Polish +Republic he will experience the truth of the old proverb, _Chi va +piano va sano._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _British Officer (Army of occupation)_. "LOOK OUT, OLD +BEAN! WE'RE GETTING THE GLAD EYE."] + + * * * * * + +THE ARMY OF ENTERTAINMENT, LTD. + +As a mere soldier threatened with unemployment owing to the sudden +outbreak of peace, I offer to any enterprising company-promoter an +idea which should provide him with an immense fortune and myself with +a congenial means of livelihood. + +My suggestion is that, with the consent of Lord NORTHCLIFFE and the +Allies, a slice of the old Front should be kept up _in statu quo_, and +a representative assortment of troops retained to hold it on what was +our side, and to carry on the War as it was in the good old days of +'15, when we thought our life's work was bespoken and soldiers with +boy babies raised the question of making acting rank hereditary. No +enemy would be employed, experiment having proved that the existence +of an enemy detracts from the enjoyment of modern war. + +The little army, commanded by a General, himself an employé of +the Army of Entertainment Co., Ltd., would conduct operations for +demonstration purposes. Visitors would be charged admission to the +Company's zone, and pay extra for any particular stunt show arranged +for their benefit. + +It would be necessary to acquire a strip of country running right back +to the coast, if realism should be the aim of the directors, otherwise +it would be impossible, to show an A.M.L.O. in action, or some +interesting types of Headquarters, or laundry Colonels winning the +D.S.O. + +I have in mind a highly entertaining General who might be willing to +accept the position of G.O.C. for the Company--one of those desperate +old gentlemen whose joy was to stalk about busy areas and strafe the +domestic and sanitary arrangements of batteries and battalions. He +is of picturesque appearance and would afford the best comic relief. +This General would be attended by the usual assistants, traditionally +housed, clothed and fed, but, the division being run as a commercial +venture, it would be a matter for consideration by the directors +whether these young gentlemen should receive a salary or pay a fee. + +Some visitors might well be so delighted with soldiering, free from +the annoyance of enemy action, that they would wish to make a long +stay and experience all its variations, beginning perhaps with the +P.B.I, (or Pretty Busy Infantry) in a mud-hole in the front line, and +passing through all the stages of the normal military career till they +arrived at the Divisional Chateau. Should anyone desire to survey +life from the altitude of an R.T.O. (Railway Transport, not Really +Tantalising Officer, as supposed by some) it might be arranged for +him, in the interests of realism, to improvise information as to +trains for the benefit of other visitors. + +Appropriate rations would be included, in the entrance money, while +there might be canteens for the sale of such extras as bootlaces and +penholders. Visitors would not be allowed to bring money into the +area, but would be given the usual books of cash withdrawal forms, +entitling them to obtain small sums from the field cashier--if they +could find him. As a field cashier of experience would be employed and +possibly act in collusion with the R.T.O., these sums of money might +be regarded as prizes, and would create a pleasant excitement without +amounting to any great expense for the Company. + +Those willing to pay high prices would have arranged for them such +displays as "normal artillery activity," pukka strafes, S.O.S. +bombardments or barrages chaperoning infantry advances, while balloons +might be set on fire, dumps blown up, or leave cancelled at special +rates. There might also be an assortment of inexpensive and amusing +side-shows, such as a Second-in-command trying to check a monthly +return of dripping, or a conscientious gunner calculating the correct +corrector corrections. + +Should an application be received from any person anxious to +experience war from the "Receipts" end he would be granted free entry +to the area on the far side of the line, protected grand-stands being +erected, from which, on suitable payment, spectators could study his +deportment. A short stay in the "enemy's area" during a strafe might +be recommended for politicians and arranged by their constituents. + +Space forbids further detail. It remains only for a Company to be +formed--affiliated perhaps to the Bureau of Information--a detailed +prospectus issued and applications invited for posts under the Army +of Entertainment, Ltd. + +I shall myself be willing to serve the Company in the capacity of a +Town Major on condition that a suitable town is provided. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FOREWARNED. + +_Poor Old Woman (to youth, who has given her a gratuity and relieved +her of her load of wood)_. "I PRESUME, MY KIND YOUNG FRIEND, THAT YOU +ARE THE YOUNGEST OF THE THREE BROTHERS WHO ARE GOING OUT TO SEEK THEIR +FORTUNES?" + +_Clever Youth_. "NO, I'M THE ELDEST. BUT I'VE BEEN READING THE +STORIES."] + + * * * * * + +WISE WORDS FOR BIRDS. + +Dear Mr. Punch,--While lately turning over some old family papers I +came across a number of maxims in rhyme which seem to me to be worthy +of publication at a time devoted to good cheer. The form appears to be +the same as that expressed in the familiar couplets on the woodcock +and the partridge; but these variations on an old theme have at least +the merit of freshness and originality. + +I begin in order of magnitude with the ostrich:-- + + "If an ostrich had but a woodcock's thigh + It would only be some three feet high. + If a woodcock had but an ostrich's jaw + It would have to be carved with a circular saw." + +The foregoing lines clearly enforce the important lesson of +contentment with the existing order. This moral is perhaps less +implicit in the lines on the peacock:-- + + "If a peacock had but the nightingale's trill + It would make all prima donnas feel ill. + If the nightingale had but the peacock's tail + It would merit a headline in the _Mail_." + +Contentment again is the keynote of the couplets on the owl:-- + + "If an owl would enter the nuthatch's nest + Its figure would have to be much compressed. + If the nuthatch had but the face of an owl + It would be a most unpopular fowl." + +A slightly different formula is to be noted in the lines on the snipe, +but the spirit is substantially the same:-- + + "If a snipe were the size of a threepenny bit + It would be a great deal harder to hit. + But if it grew to the size of an emu + It wouldn't be better to eat than seamew." + +Lastly I may quote the only couplet in which beasts as well as birds +are subjected to this searching analysis. I think you will admit that +it is the most sagacious and impressive of them all:-- + + "If a pig had wings and the legs of a stork + It would damage the quality of its pork," + +Thine, MCDOUGALL POTT. + +_Poets' Corner House, Dottyville._ + + * * * * * + + "As a result of trying to find an escape of gas with a light, a + flat in Westminster was seriously damaged."--_Provincial Paper_. + +Serve him right. + + * * * * * + +REPORTS. + +The other day I was looking through some school reports. Holidays +always bring them forth. You know the kind of thing: History--Is most +diligent but needs concentration; Music--Lacks purposefulness, does +not practise sufficiently; Mathematics--Weak; General Conduct--Might +be better; Conversational French--_Sera plus facile avec plus de +confiance_; Theology--A sad falling off; and so on; and it occurred to +me that it might not be a bad thing if the report system, instead of +stopping with our school-days, pursued us through life. The periodical +perusal of a report, drawn up with as much authority as a scholastic +staff possesses, might have very beneficial results. + +My own early ones no longer exist; but it would be a very searching +test of our educational system to study these reports thirty-five +years after and subject them to an honest commentary. How little that +one learned then has persisted, has survived the probation of time and +necessity. At the age of fifteen I knew the principal rivers of South +America ("Geography--Has made great progress"); to-day at fifty I have +no recollection of any, nor any desire to have it. Instead I can order +dinner. Gastronomy for geography; new lamps for old! In any report +drawn up now there would be a totally different series of subjects. +Thus:-- + + Business Method . . . Might be better. + Punctuality . . . . . Tries his best. + Patriotism . . . . . Good. + Veracity . . . . . . Moderate. + Financial Soundness . Very variable. + +As a means of constructive criticism the report system might be useful +in Parliament. The Speaker, as headmaster, should be entrusted with +the task of preparing the documents. I can see some such results as +the following:-- + + THE PRIME MINISTER. + + Logic . . . . . . . . Weak. + Opportunism . . . . . Strong. + Golf . . . . . . . . Shows little improvement. + Belligerence . . . . Very good. + Tonsorial Artistry . Far from satisfactory. Should give it + more attention. + Oratory . . . . . . . Fluent and powerful, but must guard + against impulse. Too fond in perorations + of drawing metaphors from Welsh + physical geography. + + MR. BONAR LAW. + + Mediation . . . . . . Admirable, but must not be overworked. + Oratory . . . . . . . Fair. Has tendency to unnecessary candour. + Does not sufficiently employ periphrasis. + Fidelity . . . . . . Beyond praise. + + MR. WINSTON CHURCHILL. + + Oratory . . . . . . . Effective, if given enough time to prepare. + Modesty . . . . . . . Room for improvement. + Polarity . . . . . . Weak. + Ambition . . . . . . An honest worker. + +Lastly, let us take the report sheet of one not wholly absent from +the public eye, whom I will designate merely by the initials W.W. + + Pride . . . . . . . . Far less than he had two or three years ago. + Facial beauty . . . . More than adequate. + Subrisivity . . . . . Phenomenal. + Oratory . . . . . . . Admirable, but too fond of telling the + same story. + Popularity . . . . . Could not be greater. + + * * * * * + +HAIR-CUTTING AND DENTISTRY. + +I am going to get my hair cut. But I must first mention the matter to +my wife. + +Why do I do this? It is not because I am a coward, for there are few +men who are in reality braver than I am. I carried my firstborn in my +arms round the drawing-room when she was a week old, and I have done +other things equally brave, the enumeration of which I spare you. +But I could no more think of getting my hair cut without previously +informing my wife than I could think of wearing a top hat in the +Strand. + +I know what will happen when I have told my wife. She will look up and +say, "That's right; you always do it." + +And I shall say, "What do I always do?" + +And she will answer, "You always get yourself cropped like a convict +just when your hair was beginning to look nice." + +And I shall say, "I can't help that; it's got to be done." And then I +shall go and get it done. + +But I wonder if my wife is right after all. There used to be a nice +wave in my front hair, a wave into which you could lay two fingers. Is +that there still? No, it's gone. In fact there is not sufficient front +hair to make a wave with. It's odd how gradually these things happen. +I could have sworn that I had that wave, and there is a photograph +of me in the drawing-room with a fully-developed tidal bore; and I +went on brushing my front hair and combing it and thinking of it all +the time as constituting a wave, and lo it had vanished, leaving me +under the impression that it was still there and accountable for the +pleasing effect I produced in general society. + +But if it wasn't the wave that produced this effect, what could it +have been? My voice? Perhaps. My moustache? I doubt it. My teeth? +Possibly. See advertisements of tooth powders _passim_. You know how +it's done, in the before and after style. Before you use Dentoline you +apparently do not possess so much as a front tooth. After you have +used it once you are in possession of thirty-two regular and brilliant +white teeth, and it seems plain that no dentist will ever make his +fortune out of your mouth. All this, however, has nothing to do with +getting my hair cut. But it brings me to an analogous consideration. +When I tell my wife I am going to get my teeth attended to, does she +try to restrain me from the fatal deed? Not she. She urges me to it, +and leaves me no loophole for escape. She indulges in reminiscences +of herself and the children defying pain in the dentist's chair, and +heartens me with the statement that the instrument she likes best is +the one that goes _berr-r-r-r_ and makes you jump. + +Let me now resume my commentary on hair-cutting. I wonder if I am +sufficiently chatty with my hair-cutter. Most men talk to their +hair-cutter all the time. They discuss politics and revolutions and +Britain's unconquerable might, while I, having made a blundering start +with the weather, am brought up with a round turn on the Bolsheviks +and President WILSON'S manner of dealing with the situation. I cannot +lay bare my inmost thoughts about the League of Nations while someone +is running a miniature mowing-machine along the back of my neck ... + +At this moment my wife entered the room. + +"My dear," I said, "I am going to get my hair cut." + +She gave me one mind-piercing look and said, "It's time you did. I've +been noticing it for the last day or two." + +Nothing, you see, about convicts. Isn't that like a woman, never to +say the thing you expect her to say? It's taken all the pleasure out +of my visit to the barber. In fact I don't think I shall go at all. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ENFRANCHISEMENT OF WOMAN. + +_First Voter_. "SO MR. JONES HAS BEEN ELECTED. YOU VOTED FOR HIM, OF +COURSE?" + +_Second Voter_. "NO, I VOTED FOR THE OTHER MAN. YOU SEE, MR. JONES +SUPPORTED WOMAN'S SUFFRAGE, WHICH I ABHOR."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_(BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERICS.)_ + +_Secrets of the Bosphorus_ (HUTCHINSON) is one of the happily large +number of books to which time and tardy-footed justice have now added +an unwritten chapter that makes amends for all. But for the glories +of the last few months I think I could hardly have borne to read many +of these "revelations" of Mr. HENRY MORGENTHAU, sometime American +Ambassador to Turkey. They make strange and often tragic reading. One +of them is already famous: the disclosure of the narrow margin by +which the attack of the Allied fleets upon the Dardanelles came short +of victory. For that, with all its ghastly sequence of misadventure, +no happy end can quite compensate. But one may read more pleasantly +now of the Prussian Baron WANGENHEIM, sitting the day long on a bench +before his official residence to exult publicly in what looked like +the triumphal march to Paris. Mr. MORGENTHAU has many other matters +of interest in his note-book, a large part of which is occupied by the +story, almost incredible even in an age of horrors, of the planned +slaughter by the Turkish rulers, with Germany as accessory before and +after the act, of "at least 600,000 and perhaps as many as 1,000,000" +Armenians. He rightly calls this murder of a nation probably the +blackest deed in all the foul record of the war, in which (at the +precise moment of its execution) the same people who now protest +against the severity of our terms were taking a horrible and ruthless +joy. The reminder is apt. + + * * * * * + +Much of the pleasure that I have just enjoyed over Mr. ARTHUR SYMONS' +essays of travel in _Cities and Sea Coasts and Islands_ (COLLINS) +belongs to the wistful joy of recollection: remembered loveliness in +the beautiful places of which he writes so vividly, remembered peace +of the quiet unpreoccupied days in which they were written. The +book is made up of three groups, studies of Spain, of London and of +certain coasts, chiefly Cornish. For several reasons I found the last +interested me most. There is entertainment in watching Mr. SYMONS, +so essentially a dweller in cities, discovering the open air like +an explorer. You know already his mastery of delicate and sensitive +words; many of these pages catch with exquisite skill the subtle charm +of the country between land and wave, as it would present itself to a +receptive summer visitor rather than the returned native. Mr. SYMONS' +similes are essentially urban; the sea (to take an example at random) +has for him "something of the colour of absinthe." In fine, though he +can and does get into his pages much of the exhilaration of a tramp +over heathery cliffs "smelling of honey and sea wind," one retains +throughout a not unpleasing consciousness of Paddington. I have left +myself too little space to deal adequately with other papers, among +which I was delighted to find again that called "Dieppe 1895," long +remembered from _The Savoy_ (though here, of course, lacking the +interpretation of the BEARDSLEY drawings). Certainly a book to read +at leisure and to keep "for further reference," perhaps in a future +when travel studies may again become of more than merely sentimental +interest. + + * * * * * + +Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE, on the strength of _Danger! and Other Stories_ +(MURRAY), may claim a place among the prophets who were not accepted +by their own country. "Danger!"--written some eighteen months before +the outbreak of war--foretells the horrors of the unrestricted use of +the submarine. In those days Sir ARTHUR could get no one to listen to +him, because "in some unfortunate way subjects of national welfare are +in this country continually subordinated to party politics." Possibly +now that we have been taught by painful experience all we want to know +about U-boat warfare, excitement in this tale is rather to seek, but +it remains a most successful prophecy. In the last story of the book +we have the author in his very worst form. "Three of Them" is a study +of children, and the only excuse I can find for it is that it must +be intended as a sop to the sentimentalists. Of the others my first +vote goes to "The Surgeon of Gaster Fell," and my second to "The +Prisoner's' Defence;" but if you are susceptible to Sir ARTHUR'S +sense of fun I can also recommend "The Fall of Lord Barrymore" and +"One Crowded Hour." Not a great collection, but just good enough. + + * * * * * + +Mr. ROMER WILSON has devoted the nearly three hundred pages of his +_Martin Schuler_ (METHUEN) to describing what it feels like to be a +genius, and, speaking from a very limited knowledge of this class, I +should say that he had mapped the mind of a genius of a certain sort +very well. His estimate of the creative artist's anguish of emptiness +rings true, and will, perhaps surprise the people who think that his +lot, like a policeman's, is a very happy one. His _Martin_, who struck +me as a very unpleasant young man, was a composer who meant to achieve +immortality, but turned down the broad way of musical comedy and +acquired money instead. Just in time he repented and wrote a grand +opera, and then Mr. WILSON cut short his career in a fashion that +seemed to me regrettably hackneyed, which was the only reason why I +shared the other characters' sorrow. Why so many people, all rather +nasty people too, came to devote themselves to _Martin_ I could not +discover, although I had the publisher's word for it that he was +"attractive"; but perhaps his genius accounted for it. Probably it +is my duty to declare here that _Martin_ and his friends were almost +all made in Germany before the War, but as they are exceptionally +disagreeable and quite unlikely to inspire anyone with an unjust +tenderness for their nation I have no hesitation in recommending the +book as a clever study of temperament and a just picture of a part +of the German musical world as it was when one last knew anything +about it. + + * * * * * + +It is all a matter of taste, of course, but personally I don't +envy Mr. J.G. LEGGE his self-imposed task of convicting the Hun out +of his own mouth of--well, of being a Hun. Germans they were and +Germans they remain, and the author goes to great lengths, even to +the length of 572 pages, to show that their peculiar qualities date +back at least as far as 1813. His _Rhyme and Revolution in Germany_ +(CONSTABLE) is not so much a history of the scrambling undignified +revolutionary movements culminating in the year 1848, as a collection +of contemporary comment thereon, in prose and verse. The prose is +generally bad; the verse is generally very bad; and one turns with +relief to the author's connecting links, wishing only at times that +he would not worry about proving his point quite so thoroughly. The +bombast and the bullying, the self-pity and the cruelty, and, most of +all, the instinctive claim, typical of Germany to-day, to prescribe +one law for themselves but something quite different for the rest +of the world, run through all these quotations, even the earliest. +But the particular value of this book at the moment is its reminder +that twice already has the House of Hohenzollern humbly pledged its +All-Highest word to give constitutional government, only to resume +"divine right" at the earliest convenient moment. Ruling Germany, and +as much else as possible, with a view to the glorification of one's +personal family and one's personal God, must be an exhausting labour, +and once again the head of the dynasty is afforded an opportunity +for a respite. It is a temptation which one feels sure he will find +himself strong enough to resist if occasion serves. History and Mr. +LEGGE suggest that he will be willing--even enthusiastic--to grovel +in the dust to assist that occasion. + + * * * * * + +Mr. SPENCER LEIGH HUGHES is a brilliant and distinguished member of +the great brotherhood of the Press; he is also a Member of Parliament +and has devoted himself heart and soul to the propagation of his +principles on the platform. He has therefore, save in respect of great +age (he is barely sixty), every right to compile and publish a book +with the title, _Press, Platform and Parliament_ (NISBET). It is one +of the most genuinely good-tempered books I have ever read; but that +was to be expected from the author of the column signed "_Sub Rosa_," +who had in this course of desultory writing made innumerable friends +and never lost one; and, more pleasing sport than that, had brought +two people together through a matrimonial agency conducted by W.T. +STEAD, and had met the pair many years after, to find that they were +perfectly and unexpectedly happy. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Dealer (trying to sell horse to Government Buyer)_. +"THAT 'ORSE, SIR, 'AS GONE A MILE IN A GOOD DEAL LESS THAN THREE +MINUTES." + +_Government Buyer_. "ON WHAT RAILWAY?"] + + * * * * * + + "ALL BOOKS + + "noticed in the Editorial pages of '----&----' (see Book Reviews), + or listed in its advertising columns, may be obtained post free + from the offices, at the marked prices, plus postage."--_Trade + Paper_. + +We felt sure there was a catch somewhere. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11133 *** |