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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153,
+Oct. 24, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Oct. 24, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 13, 2004  [eBook #11076]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: US-ASCII
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 153, OCT. 24, 1917***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 11076-h.htm or 11076-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/0/7/11076/11076-h/11076-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/0/7/11076/11076-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 153.
+
+OCTOBER 24, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+Those who think that people in high positions live a life of ease
+and comfort received a rude shock last week. It is said that, while
+visiting the Royal Enfield Works canteen, the Duke of CONNAUGHT drank
+two glasses of Government ale.
+
+       ***
+
+Britons have no monopoly of pluck, it seems. Last week a Basuto
+soldier attached to a labour battalion offered the LORD MAYOR'S
+coachman a cigarette.
+
+       ***
+
+Two German bankers, formerly of London, have been arrested in New York
+as dangerous aliens. Neither of them is a member of our Privy Council.
+
+       ***
+
+It is understood that the Spanish Government has addressed a note to
+the Allies explaining that all possible precautions will have been
+taken against the forthcoming escape of U23.
+
+       ***
+
+The PREMIER has received the magnificent gold casket containing the
+freedom of the City of London conferred on him last April. A momentary
+excitement was caused by the rumour that the Corporation had thrown
+off all restraint and filled it with tea.
+
+       ***
+
+A Brigadier-General has been fined for shooting game on Sunday in
+Hampshire. Sir DOUGLAS HAIG, we understand, has generously arranged
+to close down the War on the first Wednesday in every month, in order
+that the Higher Command may assist in supplying the hospitals with
+game.
+
+       ***
+
+Seven lunatics have escaped from a South Wales Asylum. It is assumed
+that they got away by disguising themselves as German prisoners.
+
+       ***
+
+It has been decided that Counsel may appear before the High Court
+dressed as Special Constables. It seems almost certain that this news
+was withheld from Sir JOHN SIMON until he had definitely consented to
+join Sir DOUGLAS HAIG'S Staff.
+
+       ***
+
+Two million pounds of jam per week, "the greater part strawberry," are
+being, it is stated, delivered to the Army. Only the fact that the
+Army Service Corps' labels all happen to be "plum and apple" prevents
+the stuff being distributed to our brave troops.
+
+       ***
+
+Attempts to destroy livestock destined for the Allies are being
+investigated, says a New York paper. Only a few days ago, it will be
+remembered, a certain Legation discovered that its seals had been
+tampered with.
+
+       ***
+
+It is announced that the War Office has taken over "the greater part"
+of the new London County Hall. Our casualties were insignificant.
+
+       ***
+
+We are sorry to say that Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY'S latest success, _The
+Saving Grace_, is not dedicated to Sir ARTHUR YAPP.
+
+       ***
+
+There is no foundation for the report that the recent postponement of
+the production of _Cash on Delivery_ at the Palace was due to the fact
+that a new joke was alleged to have been let loose in Mr. Justice
+DARLING'S court.
+
+       ***
+
+Extravagant funerals have been condemned by Sir JOHN PAGET at the
+Law Society Appeal Tribunal, and undertakers are complaining that in
+consequence many of their best customers have decided to postpone
+their interment till better times.
+
+       ***
+
+"Cats should be brought inside the house during air-raids," says the
+Feline Defence League. When left on the roof they are liable to be
+mistaken for aerial torpedoes.
+
+       ***
+
+According to the _Cologne Gazette_ German soldiers on the Western
+Front have formed "Wilhelm Clubs," the members of which are compelled
+on oath to undertake the work of gaining information about the British
+lines. We understand that the terms for life-membership are most
+moderate.
+
+       ***
+
+A German prisoner named BOLDT has escaped from Leigh internment camp.
+It is stated that he would have experienced no additional difficulty
+in escaping if he had been called by any other name.
+
+       ***
+
+"We want no patched-up peace," says Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD. But if the
+assaults upon pacifist meetings continue we feel sure there will be
+some patched-up peacemongers.
+
+       ***
+
+Twopenny dinners are the speciality at a Northern munition works'
+canteen. We have long been used to twopenny meals, but of course much
+more was charged for them.
+
+       ***
+
+There appears to be no truth in the report that a burglar has been
+fined for infringing the Defence of the Realm Regulations by using an
+unshaded lantern.
+
+       ***
+
+An application is to be made to the LORD CHANCELLOR for a County Court
+for the Hendon district, though a contemporary remarks that it is
+doubtful whether there is sufficient work to be done there. But surely
+this is just the sort of case that could be met by a little judicious
+advertising.
+
+       ***
+
+Parliament is to be asked to pass a vote of thanks to the Naval and
+Military Forces of the Crown. And it is thought that the latter will
+reciprocate by thanking Parliament for giving them such a jolly little
+war.
+
+       ***
+
+Much concern has been caused by the announcement that bees are
+entirely without winter stocks. We have pleasure in recording a
+gallant but unavailing attempt to remedy the situation on the part
+of two dear old ladies, who thought the paper said "socks."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sympathetic Passer-by._ "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOUR
+LITTLE BROTHER?"
+
+_The Sister._ "PLEASE, MISS, 'E'S WORRYIN' ABOUT RUSSIA."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCH'S ROLL OF HONOUR.
+
+We regret to hear that Captain E.G.V. KNOX, Lincolnshire Regiment, has
+been wounded. The many friends of "Evoe" will wish him a speedy and
+complete recovery.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Batches of one of its regiments were in such a hurry to get out
+    of the Ypres front when relieved by the 92nd Regiment that they
+    left without giving the newcomers infor-[inverted type: mation
+    about the line or state of their flanks.]"--_Scots Paper_.
+
+The line seems to have been seriously disorganised in consequence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRATT'S TOURS OF THE FRONT.
+
+THE LAST WORD IN SENSATION.
+
+By special arrangement Pratt's are able to offer their patrons unique
+opportunities of witnessing the stirring events of the Great Struggle.
+
+Don't miss it; you may never see another War.
+
+Come and see Tommy at work and play.
+
+Come and be _shelled_--a genuine thrill! Same as during London's
+Air-raids, but less danger.
+
+At the conclusion of the Tour patrons will be presented with a
+Handsome Medal as a souvenir of their exploits.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The following is a list of Tours that Pratt's offer _you_:--
+
+PRATT'S TOURS OF THE BACK.
+
+(ONE WEEK.)
+
+Very cheap. Very safe. Headquarters at the historic town of Amiens.
+
+Itinerary includes: Battlefields of the Somme and Ancre, Bapaume,
+Arras, Vimy Ridge, Ypres, etc. Guides will take parties round the old
+British Front lines. The German Defence System will be explained by
+harmless Huns actually taken at those places.
+
+_SPECIAL ATTRACTIONS._
+
+Lantern Lecture by Captain Crump at Thiepval Chateau. Recherche
+Suppers at Serre Sucrerie.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRATT'S TOURS OF TRENCHES.
+
+(FOUR DAYS.)
+
+See the real thing. Live it yourself. Dine in a dugout. Drink rum
+as the Tommy drinks it. See Staff Officers at work (if it can be
+arranged).
+
+_RESTRICTIONS._
+
+I. Loud laughing and talking is discouraged.
+
+II. Sunshades and umbrellas must not be put up when in the front line.
+
+III. Don't talk to the man at the periscope.
+
+_GAS WARNING._
+
+In case of gas put on the respirator; otherwise breathe out
+continuously.
+
+_SPECIAL ATTRACTION._
+
+Official Photographers in attendance during Christmas week.
+
+If possible visitors will be given the opportunity of witnessing a
+practice barrage on the Enemy's front line.
+
+Back seats (in ammunition dumps), two guineas. Front seats (firing
+line), sixpence.
+
+Terms inclusive for the four days, twenty guineas. Good food. Sugar
+_ad lib_. All reasonable precautions taken. Casualties amongst
+visitors up to the present, one sick (sugar saturation).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRATT'S BRIEF TOURS FOR BUSY PEOPLE.
+
+(SATURDAY TO MONDAY.)
+
+Very short. Very moderate terms. Five guineas each tour or three for
+twelve and a-half. Bring the boy.
+
+_SPECIAL ATTRACTION._
+
+Magnificent Switchback Railway up and down the Messines Mine Craters.
+Spot where Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL lost his little Homburg hat under
+fire will be shown.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE YPRES CARNIVAL.
+
+(THREE DAYS.)
+
+All the fun of the fair. Souvenirs supplied while you wait.
+
+_SPLENDID SIDE-SHOW FEATURES._
+
+I. How our lads keep fit. Regimental sports. Rivet your sides and see
+the Bread and Jam Race.
+
+II. Obstacle Race. Lorry _versus_ Staff Car (with French carts,
+traffic control and G.S. wagons as obstacles). Very amusing. Language
+real.
+
+_FOR THE YOUNGSTERS._
+
+Pick-a-back rides on the Highland Light Elephantry.
+
+_ACCOMMODATION._
+
+    Bedrooms (_en pension_)--
+  Ground floor.............. One guinea.
+  First floor (below) ...... Three guineas.
+  Second floor (very safe).. Ten guineas.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRATT'S "BATTLE" TOUR.
+
+Extraordinary offer. Thrills guaranteed.
+
+By special arrangement Pratt's are enabled to offer their patrons a
+first-class view of the _British Weekly Push_ "Somewhere in France (or
+Flanders)."
+
+Attention is called to the following specially attractive items (there
+may be others):--
+
+1. _View of Preliminary Bombardment_ from an absolutely proof 12-inch
+O.P. The surrounding country and the objectives of the next attack
+will be explained by a specially trained Staff Officer.
+
+2. _The Battle._
+
+Visitors are earnestly requested to be in time, as space in the
+Observation Post is limited and late arrivals cause a great deal
+of discomfort to all. Ladies are respectfully requested to remove
+their hats.
+
+3. _The Aftermath._
+
+(a) Special Shelters are erected at cross-roads for visitors to
+witness the getting-up of guns, ammunition, etc., after the attack.
+Please don't feed the men as they go by or ask the Gunners questions.
+
+(b) Breakfast in Boschland. Lunch in a Listening Post. Supper in
+a Saphead.
+
+(c) A Special Narrow-gauge Railway will take Visitors to the
+newly-acquired forward area (not obligatory). This part of the
+programme is liable to variation.
+
+Terms, fifty guineas. An Insurance Agent is always in attendance.
+Casualties up to the present, one Conscientious Objector missing,
+believed joined up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Bombardments arranged at the shortest notice. For five pounds you can
+fire a 15-inch. Write for Free Booklet and apply for all particulars
+to Pratt's Agency, London, Paris, etc., etc.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VISITORS.
+
+  When I was very ill in bed
+    The fairies came to visit me;
+  They danced and played around my head,
+    Though other people couldn't see.
+
+  Across the end a railing goes
+    With bars and balls and twisted rings,
+  And there they jiggled on their toes
+    And did the wonderfullest things.
+
+  They balanced on the golden balls,
+    They jumped about from bar to bar,
+  And then they fluttered to the walls
+    Where coloured birds and roses are.
+
+  I watched them darting in and out,
+    I watched them gaily climb and cling,
+  While all the roses moved about
+    And all the birds began to sing.
+
+  And when it was no longer light
+    I felt them up my pillows creep,
+  And there they sat and sang all night--
+    I heard them singing in my sleep.
+
+  R.F.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER SEX PROBLEM.
+
+    "From Lord Rosebery's herd at Mentmore, Mr. Ross got a show cow
+    of the Lady Dorothy family, giving every appearance of being a
+    great milker and a tip-top bull calf."--_Aberdeen Free Press_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a German _communique_:--
+
+    "Our naval forces had encounters with Russian destroyers and
+    gungoats north of Oesel."--_Westminster Gazette_.
+
+The Russian reply to the ewe-boats, we suppose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Kugelmann, Ludwig, of Canterbury Road, Canterbury, grocer, has
+    adopted the name of Love Wisdom Power."--_Australian Paper_.
+
+Who said the Germans had no sense of humour?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BURGLAR BILL.
+
+THE POTSDAM PINCHER. "SURELY YOU AIN'T ASKIN' ME TO GIVE UP MY SWAG
+ARTER ALL THE TROUBLE I'VE HAD GETTIN' IT, AN' ALL THE VALIBLE BLOOD
+I'VE SPILT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MUD LARKS.
+
+The Babe went to England on leave. Not that this was any new
+experience for him; he usually pulled it off about once a
+quarter--influence, and that sort of thing, you know. He went down to
+the coast in a carriage containing seventeen other men, but he got a
+fat sleepy youth to sit on, and was passably comfortable. He crossed
+over in a wobbly boat packed from cellar to attic with Red Tabs
+invalided with shell shock, Blue Tabs with trench fever, and Green
+Tabs with brain-fag; Mechanical Transporters in spurs and stocks, jam
+merchants in revolvers and bowie-knives, Military Police festooned
+with _pickelhaubes_, and here and there a furtive fighting man who had
+got away by mistake, and would be recalled as soon as he landed.
+
+The leave train rolled into Victoria late in the afternoon. Cab touts
+buzzed about the Babe, but he would have none of them; he would
+go afoot the better to see the sights of the village--a leisurely
+sentimental pilgrimage. He had not covered one hundred yards when
+a ducky little thing pranced up to him, squeaking, "Where are your
+gloves, Sir?" "I always put 'em in cold storage during summer along
+with my muff and boa, dear," the Babe replied pleasantly. "Moreover,
+my mother doesn't like me to talk to strangers in the streets, so
+ta-ta." The little creature blushed like a tea-rose and stamped its
+little hoof. "Insolence!" it squeaked. "You--you go back to France by
+the next boat!" and the Babe perceived to his horror that he had been
+witty to an Assistant Provost-Marshal! He flung himself down on his
+knees, licking the A.P.M.'s boots and crying in a loud voice that he
+would be good and never do it again.
+
+The A.P.M. pardoned the Babe (he wanted to save the polish on his
+boots) on condition that he immediately purchased a pair of gloves of
+the official cut and hue. The Babe did so forthwith and continued on
+his way. He had not continued ten yards when another A.P.M. tripped
+him up. "That cap is a disgrace, Sir!" he barked. "I know it, Sir,"
+the Babe admitted, "and I'm awfully sorry about it; but that hole in
+it only arrived last night--shrapnel, you know--and I haven't had time
+to buy another yet. I don't care for the style they sell in those
+little French shops--do you?"
+
+The A.P.M. didn't know anything about France or its little shops, and
+didn't intend to investigate; at any rate not while there was a war
+on there. "You will return to the Front to-morrow," said he. The Babe
+grasped his hand from him and shook it warmly. "Thank you--thank you,
+Sir," he gushed; "I didn't want to come, but they made me. I'm from
+Fiji; have no friends here, and London is somehow so different from
+Suva it makes my head ache. I am broke and couldn't afford leave,
+anyway. Thank you, Sir--thank you."
+
+"Ahem--in that case I will revoke my decision," said the A.P.M. "Buy
+yourself an officially-sanctioned cap and carry on."
+
+The Babe bought one with alacrity; then, having tasted enough of the
+dangers of the streets for one afternoon, took a taxi, and, lying in
+the bottom well out of sight, sped to his old hotel. When he reached
+his old hotel he found it had changed during his absence, and was now
+headquarters of the Director of Bones and Dripping. He abused the
+taxi-driver, who said he was sorry, but there was no telling these
+days; a hotel was a hotel one moment, and the next it was something
+entirely different. Motion pictures weren't in it, he said.
+
+Finally they discovered a hotel which was still behaving as such, and
+the Babe got a room. He remained in that room all the evening, beneath
+the bed, having his meals pushed in to him under the door. A prowling
+A.P.M. sniffed at the keyhole but did not investigate further, which
+was fortunate for the Babe, who had no regulation pyjamas.
+
+Next morning, crouched on the bottom boards of another taxi, he was
+taken to his tailor, poured himself into the faithful fellow's hands,
+and only departed when guaranteed to be absolutely A.P.M.-proof. He
+went to the "Bolero" for lunch, ordered some oysters for a start,
+polished them off and bade the waiter trot up the _consomme_. The
+waiter shook his head, "Can't be done, Sir. Subaltern gents are only
+allowed three and sixpenceworth of food and you've already had that,
+Sir. If we was to serve you with a crumb more, we'd be persecuted
+under the Trading with the Enemy Act, Sir. There's an A.P.M. sitting
+in the corner this very moment, Sir, his eyeglass fixed on your every
+mouthful very suspicious-like--"
+
+"Good Lord!" said the Babe, and bolted. He bolted as far as the next
+restaurant, had a three-and-sixpenny _entree_ there, went on to
+another for sweets, and yet another for coffee and trimmings. These
+short bursts between courses kept his appetite wonderfully alive.
+
+That afternoon he ran across a lady friend in Bond Street, "a War
+Toiler enormously interested in the War" (see the current number of
+_Social Snaps_). She had been at Yvonne's trying on her gauze for the
+Boccaccio Tableaux in aid of the Armenians and needed some relaxation.
+So she engaged the Babe for the play, to be followed by supper with
+herself and her civilian husband. The play (a War-drama) gave the Babe
+a fine hunger, but the Commissionaire (apparently a Major-General)
+who does odd jobs outside the Blitz took exception to him. "Can't go
+in, Sir." "Why not?" the Babe inquired; "my friends have gone in."
+"Yessir, but no hofficers are allowed to obtain nourishment after 10
+p.m. under Defence of the Realm Act, footnote (a) to para. 14004." He
+leaned forward and whispered behind his glove, "There's a Hay Pee Hem
+under the portico watching your movements, Sir." The Babe needed no
+further warning; he dived into his friends' Limousine and burrowed
+under the rug.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sometime later the door of the car was opened cautiously and the
+moon-face of the Major-General inserted itself through the crack.
+"Hall clear for the moment, Sir; the Hay Pee Hem 'as gorn orf dahn the
+street, chasin' a young hofficer in low shoes. 'Ere, tyke this; I'm a
+hold soldier meself." He thrust a damp banana in the Babe's hand and
+closed the door softly.
+
+Next morning the Babe dug up an old suit of 1914 "civies" and put
+them on. A woman in the Tube called him "Cuthbert" and informed him
+gratuitously that her husband, twice the Babe's age, had volunteered
+the moment Conscription was declared and had been fighting bravely
+in the Army Clothing Department ever since. Further she supposed
+the Babe's father was in Parliament and that he was a Conscientious
+Objector. In Hyde Park one urchin addressed him as "Daddy" and asked
+him what he was doing in the Great War; another gambolled round and
+round him making noises like a rabbit. In Knightsbridge a Military
+Policeman wanted to arrest him as a deserter. The Babe hailed a taxi
+and, cowering on the floor, fled back to his hotel and changed into
+uniform again.
+
+That night, strolling homewards in the dark immersed in thought, he
+inadvertently took a pipe out of his pocket and lit it. An A.P.M. who
+had been sleuthing him for half-a-mile leapt upon him, snatched the
+pipe and two or three teeth out of his mouth and returned him to
+France by the next boat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+His groom, beaming welcome, met him at the railhead with the horses.
+
+"Hello, old thing, cheerio and all the rest of it," Huntsman whinnied
+lovingly.
+
+Miss Muffet rubbed her velvet muzzle against his pocket. "Brought a
+lump of sugar for a little girl?" she rumbled.
+
+He mounted her and headed across country, Miss Muffet pig-jumping and
+capering to show what excellent spirits she enjoyed.
+
+Two brigades of infantry were under canvas in Mud Gully, their cook
+fires winking like red eyes. The guards clicked to attention and
+slapped their butts as the Babe went by. A subaltern bobbed out of a
+tent and shouted to him to stop to tea. "We've got cake," he lured,
+but the Babe went on.
+
+A red-hat cantered across the stubble before him waving a friendly
+crop, "Pip" Vibart the A.P.M. homing to H.Q. "Evening, boy!" he
+holloaed; "come up and Bridge to-morrow night," and swept on over the
+hillside. A flight of aeroplanes, like flies in the amber of sunset,
+droned overhead _en route_ for Hunland. The Babe waved his official
+cap at them: "Good hunting, old dears."
+
+They had just started feeding up in the regimental lines when he
+arrived; the excited neighing of five hundred horses was music to his
+ears. His brother subalterns hailed his return with loud and exuberant
+noises, made disparaging remarks about the smartness of his clothes,
+sat on him all over the floor and rumpled him. On sighting the Babe,
+The O'Murphy went mad and careered round the table wriggling like
+an Oriental dancer, uttering shrill yelps of delight; presently he
+bounced out of the window, to enter some minutes later by the same
+route, and lay the offering of a freshly slain rat at his best
+beloved's feet.
+
+At this moment the skipper came in plastered thick with the mud of the
+line, nodded cheerfully to his junior sub and instantaneously fell
+upon the buttered toast.
+
+"Have a good time, Son?" he mumbled. "How's merrie England?"
+
+"Oh, England's all right, Sir," said the Babe, tickling The O'Murphy's
+upturned tummy--"quite all right; but it's jolly to be home again
+among one's ain folk."
+
+PATLANDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUT OF REACH.
+
+"Just ask Dr. Jones to run round to my place right away. Our cook's
+fallen downstairs, broke her leg; the housemaid's got chicken-pox; and
+my two boys have been knocked down by a taxi."
+
+"I'm sorry, sir, but the doctor was blown up in yesterday's air-raid
+and he won't be down for a week."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT BRIGHTON.
+
+_Tommy (to alien Visitor about to run up to Town for the day)._
+"THIS IS THE VICTORIA PORTION, OLD SPORTSKI. HIGHER UP FOR LONDON
+BRIDGEOVITCH."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BEASTS ROYAL.
+
+V.
+
+KING LOUIS' PEACOCK. A.D. 1678.
+
+  The paven terrace of Versailles
+    With tub and orange-tree,
+  And Dian's fountain tossed awry,
+    Were planned and made for me;
+  Since no one half so well as I
+    Could grace their symmetry,
+      Nor teach admiring man
+      The genuine pavane.
+
+  I know that when King Louis wears
+    A Roman kilt and casque
+  His smile hides many secret tears
+    In ballet and in masque,
+  Since to outshine my pomp appears
+    So desperate a task,
+      And royal robes look pale
+      Beside my noble tail.
+
+  With turquoise and with malachite,
+    With bronze and purple pied,
+  I march before him like the night
+    In all its starry pride;
+  LULLI may twang and MOLIERE write
+    His pastime to provide,
+      But seldom laughs the KING
+      So much as when I sing.
+
+  His fiddles brown and pipes of brass
+    May LULLI now forsake,
+  While I make music on the grass
+    Before the storm-clouds break;
+  He stops his ears and cries "Alas!"
+    Because _he_ cannot make
+      With all his fiddlers fine
+      A melody like mine.
+
+  LE BRUN is watching me, I know,
+    His palette on his thumb,
+  To catch the glory and the glow
+    That dazzle as I come;
+  So be it--but let MOLIERE go,
+    And LULLI crack his drum;
+      They do but waste their time;
+      Minstrel I am, and mime.
+
+  Men say the KING is like the sun,
+    And from his wig they spin
+  The golden webs that, one by one,
+    Draw Spain and Flanders in;
+  He will grow proud ere they have done,
+    A most egregious sin,
+      And one to which my mind
+      Has never yet declined.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUEER CATTLE.
+
+    "Of the 217 sheep sold at the Sunderland Mart, yesterday, there
+    was a very large percentage of heifers and bullocks."--_Newcastle
+    Daily Journal_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+News from the Russian Front: Pop goes the Oesel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Chauffeur Gardener wanted, titled gentleman."--_Glasgow Herald_.
+
+We have often mistaken a taxi-driver for a lord.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRESENCE OF MIND.
+
+The train came to one of those sudden stops in which the hush caused
+by the contrast between the rattle of the wheels and their silence is
+almost painful. During these pauses one is conscious of conversation
+in neighbouring compartments, without however hearing any distinct
+words.
+
+There were several of us, strangers to each other, who hitherto had
+been minding our own business, but under the stress of this untoward
+thing became companionable.
+
+A man at each window craned his body out, but withdrew it without
+information.
+
+"I hope," said another, "there's not an accident."
+
+"I have always heard," said a fourth, "that in a railway accident
+presence of mind is not so valuable as absence of body"--getting off
+this ancient pleasantry as though it were his own.
+
+The motionlessness of the train was so absolute as to be
+disconcerting; also a scandal. The business of trains, between
+stations, is to get on. We had paid our money, not for undue
+stoppages, but for movement in the direction of our various goals;
+and it was infamous.
+
+Somebody said something of the kind.
+
+"Better be held up now," said a sententious man, "than be killed for
+want of prudence."
+
+No one was prepared to deny this, but we resented its truth and
+availed ourselves of a true-born free Briton's right to doubt the
+wisdom of those in authority. We all, in short, looked as though
+we knew better than engine-driver, signalman or guard. That is our
+_metier_.
+
+Some moments, which, as in all delays on the line, seemed like hours,
+passed and nothing happened. Looking out I saw heads and shoulders
+protruding from every window, with curiosity stamped on all their
+curves.
+
+"They should tell us what's the matter," said an impatient man.
+"That's one of the stupid things in England--no one ever tells you
+what's wrong. No tact in this country--no imagination."
+
+We all agreed. No imagination. It was the national curse.
+
+"And yet," said another man with a smile, "we get there."
+
+"Ah! that's our luck," said the impatient man. "We have luck far
+beyond our deserts." He was very cross about it.
+
+Again the first man to speak hoped it was not an accident; and again
+the second man, fearing that someone might have missed it, repeated
+the old jest about presence of mind and absence of body.
+
+"Talking of presence of mind," said a man who had not yet spoken,
+emerging from his book, "an odd thing happened to me not so very long
+ago--since the War--and, as it chances, happened in a railway carriage
+too--as it might be in this. It is a story against a friend of mine,
+and I hope he's wiser now, but I'll tell it to you."
+
+We had not asked for his story but we made ourselves up to listen.
+
+"It was during the early days of the War," he said, "before some of us
+had learned better, and my friend and I were travelling to the North.
+He is a very good fellow, but a little hasty, and a little too much
+disposed to think everyone wrong but himself. Opposite us was a man
+hidden behind a newspaper, all that was visible of him being a huge
+pair of legs in knickerbockers, between which was a bag of golf-clubs.
+
+"My friend at that time was not only suspicious of everyone's
+patriotism but a deadly foe of golf. He even went so far as to call it
+Scotch croquet and other contemptuous names. I saw him watching the
+clubs and the paper and speculating on the age of the man, whose legs
+were, I admit, noticeably young, and he drew my attention to him
+too--by nudges and whispers. Obviously this was a shirker.
+
+"For a while my friend contented himself with half-suppressed snorts
+and other signs of disapproval, but at last he could hold himself in
+no longer. Leaning forward he tapped the man smartly on the knee, with
+the question, 'Why aren't you in khaki?' It was an inquiry, you will
+remember, that was being much put at the time--before compulsion came
+in.
+
+"We all--there were two or three other people in the compartment--felt
+that this was going too far; and I knew it only too well when the man
+lowered his paper to see what was happening and revealed an elderly
+face with a grey beard absolutely out of keeping with those vigorous
+legs.
+
+"To my intense relief, however, he seemed to have been too much
+engrossed by his paper to have heard. At any rate he asked my friend
+to repeat his remark.
+
+"Here, you will agree, was, if ever, an opening for what we call
+presence of mind.
+
+"My friend, like myself, had been so taken aback by the apparition of
+more than middle age which confronted him when the paper was lowered
+that for the moment he could say nothing; the other passengers were in
+an ecstasy of anticipation; the man himself, a formidable antagonist
+if he became nasty, waited for the reply with a non-committal
+expression which might conceal pugnacity and might genuinely have
+resulted from not hearing and desiring to hear.
+
+"And then occurred one of the most admirable instances of
+resourcefulness in history. With an effort of self-collection and
+a readiness for which I shall always honour him, my friend said,
+speaking with precise clearness, 'I beg your pardon, Sir, but,
+mistaking you for a golfing friend of mine at Babbacombe, I asked
+you why you were not in Torquay. I offer my apologies.'
+
+"At these words the golfer bowed and resumed his paper, the other
+passengers ceased for the moment to have the faintest interest in a
+life which was nothing but Dead Sea fruit, and my friend uttered a
+sigh of relief as he registered a vow never to be a meddlesome idiot
+again. But he looked years older."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNCENSORED NEWS FROM FRANCE.
+
+_Visitor._ "And is your brother still in France?"
+
+_Little Girl._ "Yes."
+
+_Visitor._ "And what part of France is he in?"
+
+_Little Girl._ "He says he's in the Pink."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW MRS. MARKHAM.
+
+II.
+
+CONVERSATION ON CHAPTER IV.
+
+_George._ I must ask you, Mamma, before we talk of anything else,
+whether Withsak and Alldane were beheaded?
+
+_Mrs. M._ No; you will be relieved to hear that, although ALFRED
+was greatly incensed against them and had resolved to proceed to
+the enforcement of the extreme penalty, they were rescued by the
+intervention of the Archbishop of Canterbury and afterwards granted
+a free pardon on condition of abstaining from all participation in
+public life. This magnanimity on the part of ALFRED is all the more
+praiseworthy as many people firmly believed that these two princes
+had attempted to poison him, and that they were responsible for all
+the calamities which had befallen England from the invasion of JULIUS
+CAESAR, and which were destined to befall her till the end of time.
+Indeed a writer in an old saga, known as the Blackblood Saga, went
+so far as to maintain that the English climate had been permanently
+ruined by the incantations of Prince Alldane. Undoubtedly his name was
+an unfortunate one at the time, but, to judge by the old portraits
+I showed you, neither of these princes looked capable of such
+atrocities, and Prince Alldane was described as being the essence of
+rotundity.
+
+_Richard._ Did not ALFRED invent the quartern loaf?
+
+_Mrs. M._ Yes; before his time the nobles lived exclusively on cake
+and venison, while the peasantry subsisted on herbs and a substance
+named woad, which was most injurious to their digestions. ALFRED,
+who among his many accomplishments was an expert baker, himself gave
+instructions to the wives of the poor, supplied them with flour, the
+grinding of which was carried out in mills of his own devising, and
+insisted that all loaves should be made of a certain quality and size,
+with results most beneficial to the physique of his subjects. The
+story of his quarrel with the woman who would insist on baking cakes
+illustrates the difficulties he encountered in effecting his reforms.
+
+_Mary._ Was not ALFRED called "England's Darling"?
+
+_Mrs. M._ Yes, my dear, and no wonder. Before his time there were no
+proper newspapers, the few issued being of high price and written in
+an elaborate style which only appealed to the highly educated. ALFRED
+changed all this, and insisted that they should be written in a
+"simple, sensuous and passionate style." This was one of the causes of
+his falling out with Withsak, who supported the old-fashioned methods,
+while ALFRED was in favour of simplicity and brevity. You will find
+all this related in the work of Leo Maximus, a learned writer, the
+friend and admirer of ALFRED and author of his Life.
+
+_George._ How much I should like to read it.
+
+_Mrs. M._ You would find in it some inspiring and interesting
+particulars of ALFRED's conversations and private life.
+
+_Mary._ How many things ALFRED did! I cannot think how he found time
+for them all.
+
+_Mrs. M._ He found time by never wasting it. One-third of his time
+he devoted to religious exercises and to study, another third to
+sleep and necessary refreshment, and the other to the affairs of his
+kingdom. The benefits he bestowed on his country were so great and
+various that even to this day we hardly comprehend them fully, and
+some ungrateful people refuse to regard them as benefits at all.
+
+_Richard._ How sad! But thanks to you, dear Mamma, we know better.
+When Papa comes in to tea I will ask him when he thinks I shall be old
+enough to read all the books that have ever been written about KING
+ALFRED. I want to know everything about him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mother (to curate)._ "AND DO YOU REALLY PRAY FOR YOUR
+ENEMIES?"
+
+_Ethel (overhearing)._ "I DO, MUMMY."
+
+_Curate._ "AND WHAT DO YOU SAY IN YOUR PRAYER, MY CHILD?"
+
+_Ethel._ "I PRAY THAT THEY MAY BE BEATEN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IL FLAUTO MAGICO.
+
+    "The Lord Mayor formally declared the aerodrome opened, and turned
+    on the flute diverting the waters of the Cardinal Wolsey river
+    underground."--_Evening News_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an interview with Lord ROBERT CECIL, as reported by _The
+Manchester Guardian_:--
+
+    "It is literally true of the British soldier that he is _tans peur
+    et tans rapproche_."
+
+This perhaps explains some recent reflections on the linguistic
+accomplishments of our Foreign Office.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MARIANA IN WAR-TIME.
+
+  This tedious and important War
+  Has altered much that went before,
+  But did you hear about the change
+  At _Mariana's_ Moated Grange?
+  You all of you will recollect
+  The gross condition of neglect
+  In which the place appeared to be,
+  And _Mariana's_ apathy,
+  Her idleness, her want of tone,
+  Her--well, her absence of backbone.
+  Her relatives, no doubt, had tried
+  To single out the brighter side,
+  Had scolded her about the moss
+  And only made her extra cross.
+
+  But when the War had really come
+  At once the place began to hum,
+  And _Mariana's_, bless her heart!
+  She threw herself into the part
+  Of cooking for the V.A.D.
+  And wholly lost her lethargy.
+  She sent her gardeners off pell-mell
+  (They hadn't kept the gardens well),
+  And got a lady-gardener in
+  Who didn't cost her half the tin,
+  And who, before she'd been a day,
+  Had scraped the blackest moss away.
+  She put a jolly little boat
+  For wounded soldiers on the moat;
+  Her relatives were bound to own
+  How practical the girl had grown.
+  She often said, "I feel more cheery,
+  I doubt if I can stick this dreary
+  Old grange again when peace is rife;
+  You really couldn't call it life."
+
+  But something infinitely more
+  Than just a European War
+  Would have been requisite to part
+  Romance from _Mariana's_ heart;
+  Once more she felt within her stir
+  The dawn of _une affaire de coeur_;
+  In other words, I must confess
+  She found her thoughts were centred less
+  On that young man who never came
+  And more on Captain What's-his-name,
+  Who'd left his other leg in France
+  And was a model of romance.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  The wedding was a pretty thing;
+  I sent the "Idylls of the King,"
+  Well bound. And _Mariana_ wrote
+  A most appreciative note.
+  They live in London now, I'm told;
+  The Moated Grange is let (or sold);
+  I only hope they'll manage so
+  That TENNYSON need never know.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VERGILIANA.
+
+For a certain German Admiral on being booted: "_Ite, Capellae_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HERE TO-DAY AND GONE TO-MORROW.
+
+CHORUS OF KAISER WILHELM'S EX-CHANCELLORS (_from below_). "COMING
+DOWN, MICHAELIS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Tuesday, October 16th_.--To Mr. Punch's blunt inquiry, "Why?" in last
+week's cartoon different answers would, I suppose, be returned by
+various Members. The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER would say that the
+reassembling of Parliament was necessary in order that he might obtain
+a further Vote of Credit from the representatives of the taxpayers.
+Brigadier-General PAGE CROFT, inventor and C.-in-C. of the new
+"National" party, who has already attached to himself a following not
+inferior numerically to the little band which, under Lord RANDOLPH
+CHURCHILL in the eighties, struck terror into the hearts of the Front
+Benches, longs to prove that, under his brilliant leadership, Lord
+DUNCANNON, Sir RICHARD COOPER and Major ROWLAND HUNT will emulate the
+early prowess of Sir JOHN GORST, Sir HENRY DRUMMOND-WOLFF and Mr.
+ARTHUR BALFOUR.
+
+But a word to the gallant General: he will do little until he has
+secured a corner-seat. By hook or by crook Mr. HOUSTON, "the Pirate
+King," must be induced or compelled to surrender his coign of vantage
+to the new generalissimo, who will then be able alternately to pour a
+broadside into the Government or to enfilade the ex-Ministers who aid
+and abet them.
+
+Then there are those humanized notes of interrogation like Mr. KING,
+Mr. HOGGE and Mr. PEMBERTON BILLING. They would like Parliament to
+be in permanent session in order that the world might have the daily
+benefit of their searching investigations. Mr. KING has not yet quite
+run into his best form. He had only six Questions on the Paper, and
+actually asked only five of them--a concession which so paralysed
+the MINISTER OF RECONSTRUCTION, to whom the missing Question was
+addressed, that, when asked where his department was located, he
+had to confess that he did not know the precise number, but it was
+somewhere in Queen Anne's Gate.
+
+Eclipsed in Ireland by the more spectacular attractions of Sinn Fein,
+the Nationalists' only hope of recovering their lost popularity is to
+kick up the dust of St. Stephen's. Accordingly Mr. REDMOND gave notice
+of yet another Vote of Censure on the Irish Executive, but whether
+for its slackness or its brutality the terms of his motion do not
+make quite clear. Perhaps he has not yet made up his own mind on
+the subject.
+
+I feel sure that Mr. MONTAGU has a sense of humour, and I admired
+the way in which he concealed its existence when explaining the
+Indian Government's release of Mrs. BESANT. As he read the VICEROY'S
+reference to "the tranquillizing effect of Mr. MONTAGU'S approaching
+visit" the House rippled with laughter; and when he proceeded to say
+that Mrs. BESANT had undertaken to use her influence to secure "a
+calm atmosphere for my visit," the ripple became a wave. But with the
+stoicism of the unchanging East he read on unmoved.
+
+Mr. KENNEDY JONES, taking up the _role_ of the newsboy in a recent
+cartoon, invited the Government to give the Germans the monosyllabic
+equivalent for a very warm time. Mr. BONAR LAW declined to commit
+himself to the actual term, but announced the intention to set up a
+new Air Ministry, and to "employ our machines over German towns so
+far as military needs render us free to take such action."
+
+To return to Mr. Punch's question, "Why?" I think the answer most
+Members would make would be, "Because we wanted to see what the
+Ladies' Gallery would look like without the grille." It must be
+confessed that those who cherished visions of a dull assembly made
+glorious by flashing eyes, white arms, and brilliant dresses were
+disappointed.
+
+  "Stone walls do not a prison make,
+  Nor iron bars a cage,"
+
+wrote LOVELACE. Well, the iron bars have gone, but the stone walls
+remain, and make, if not a prison, something very like a _purdah_; and
+the "angels alone that soar above" are almost as much cut off from the
+inferior beings below them as they were before Sir ALFRED MOND came to
+the rescue of Beauty in thrall. He is rather disappointed at getting
+so little change out of his "fiver."
+
+_Wednesday, October 17th_.--The latest recruit to what JOHN KNOX
+would have called the "monstrous regiment of Ministers" is Mr. WARDLE,
+lately Chairman of the Labour Party. He made a promising _debut_. Mr.
+HOGGE professed to be anxious as to the future of the North-Eastern
+Railway, which, according to him, had lent all its "genii" to the
+Admiralty. Mr. WARDLE, quick to note the classical accuracy of the
+plural, assured him that he need be under no apprehensions--"there
+are still some genii left."
+
+Ireland is to have the extended franchise conferred by the
+Representation of the People Bill, but not the accompanying
+redistribution of seats. The Chairman suggested that Sir JOHN
+LONSDALE, who wanted to do away with the anomaly, should move a
+supplementary schedule embodying his own ideas of how Ireland should
+be redistributed. Unfortunately--for one would have liked to see how
+much was left for the other three provinces after he had designed an
+Ulster commensurate with his notion of its relative importance--the
+hon. Baronet demurred to this tempting proposal, and thought it was
+a matter for the Government.
+
+Some very pleasant badinage between Lord HUGH CECIL and the HOME
+SECRETARY as to the relative merits of the words "dwell" and "reside"
+for the purpose of defining a voter's qualification was followed by an
+exhaustive and exhausting lecture by Major CHAPPLE on how to tabulate
+the alternative votes in a three-cornered election. His object was to
+demonstrate that under the Government scheme the man whom the majority
+of the voters might desire would infallibly be rejected, while by
+a plan of his own, which he had tried successfully on a couple of
+wounded soldiers, the best man invariably won.
+
+_Thursday, October 18th_.--The most obliging of men, Sir ALFRED MOND
+nevertheless draws the line when he is asked to look a gift horse in
+the mouth. His predecessor at the Office of Works having offered a
+site for a statue of President LINCOLN, it is not for him to challenge
+the artistic merit of the sculpture, which has been picturesquely
+described as "a tramp with the colic." It is thought that the American
+donors, after an exhaustive study of our outdoor monuments, have been
+anxious to conform to British standards of taste.
+
+The "Nationals" are beginning to move. Their General elicited from the
+Government a promise to introduce a Vote of Thanks to His Majesty's
+Forces; though it is possible that this would have been done without
+his intervention. His lieutenants were less successful. Sir RICHARD
+COOPER could not persuade Mr. BONAR LAW to publish the official report
+on the loss of the _Hampshire_, and is now more than ever convinced
+that K. OF K. is languishing in a German prison-camp; while the HOME
+SECRETARY intimated that he required no instruction from Major ROWLAND
+HUNT in the business of suppressing seditious literature.
+
+After all, Ireland is to be redistributed. Unless the success of the
+Convention renders the task superfluous, the Government will appoint a
+Boundary Commission as an act of simple justice. Needless to say the
+announcement was received with frenzied abuse by all the Nationalist
+factions. Abstract justice, it seems, is the very last thing that
+Ireland wants.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE RE-OPENING OF THE CAMPAIGN ON
+OCTOBER 16TH A CERTAIN LIVELINESS WAS OBSERVED ON THE HIBERNIAN
+FRONT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "TURN AGAIN."
+
+_Instructor (to recruit, who on the command, "Left turn," has made a
+mess of it)._ "NOW THEN, WHITTINGTON, 'AVE ANOTHER SHOT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GADGETS AND STUNTS.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Aware as you must be of a deplorable confusion
+now prevailing in the public mind as to the true inwardness of the
+expressions "gadget" and "stunt," you will agree, I am sure, that the
+moment has come for a clear and authoritative ruling on this vexed
+point. At a time when the pundits of the Oxford Dictionary are coldly
+aloof, like GALLIO, and the Army Council, though often approached,
+studiously reserve their decision, it rests with you Mr. Punch, as
+Arbiter of National Opinion, to give judgment.
+
+What notion, then, of "gadget" and "stunt" is gained by the young
+subaltern of today as he joins his regiment and shakes down to the
+fundamental facts of life and death? He finds himself harassed by no
+end of devilish enemy stunts, to stultify which a fatherly all-wise
+War Office has given him an infinity of gadgets. For every stunt
+an appropriate countering gadget. Does the foe strafe him with a
+gas-bombing stunt? "Ha, ha!" laughs he, and dons that unlovely but
+priceless gadget, his box-respirator. But by no means all gadgets have
+just one peculiar stunt to counter; such a definition would exclude,
+for instance, the height-gauge on a plane, which is emphatically,
+wholly and eternally a gadget of gadgets. Moreover, gadgets are small
+things. The airman's "joystick" is a gadget; the tank is not. Now are
+these views sound, Sir, or is it permissible, as one authority does,
+to describe persons as "gadgets"?
+
+One final word. A nervous subaltern recently appeared before his
+Adjutant and called the Wurzel-Flummery Electro-Dynamical Apparatus,
+Mark II., "this sky-plotter stunt." "Great Heavens!" gasped the
+Adjutant, "what is the Service coming to? Stunt? Gadget, man, gadget!"
+Three days later the hapless boy found himself desired to resign on
+the grounds of "gross ignorance of military terminology."
+
+I am, dear Mr. Punch,
+
+Yours solemnly,
+
+ARCHIBALD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRIALS OF A CAMOUFLAGE OFFICER.
+
+HAVING CAMOUFLAGED SOME COAST DEFENCES HE GOES TO SEA TO OBSERVE THE
+EFFECT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.
+
+(_THE GERMAN KAISER, THE TSAR OF BULGARIA, AND THE SULTAN OF TURKEY._)
+
+_The Tsar_. You must admit that Sofia is a most agreeable place. Where
+else could you find such genuine and overwhelming enthusiasm for the
+War and our alliance?
+
+_The Kaiser_. I don't know. It didn't seem to me exactly violent;
+but then, of course, you know your people better than I do, and it
+may be--
+
+_The Sultan_. Umph.
+
+_The Tsar_. I know just what you are going to say, MEHMED. You feel,
+as we do, that the voice of the People is the true guide for a ruler.
+You feel that too, don't you, WILHELM?
+
+_The Kaiser_. I have never hesitated to say so. It is on such
+sentiments that the greatness of our Imperial House is based.
+
+_The Sultan_. Umph.
+
+_The Tsar_. There--I knew you would agree with us. You heard, WILHELM?
+MEHMED agrees with us.
+
+_The Kaiser_. That is, of course, immensely gratifying.
+
+_The Tsar_. We will at once publish an announcement in all our
+newspapers. It will declare that the three Sovereigns, after a
+perfectly frank interchange of views, found no subject on which there
+was even the shadow of a disagreement between them, and are resolved
+in the closest alliance to continue the War against the aggressive
+designs of the Entente Powers until a satisfactory peace is secured.
+How does that suit you, WILHELM?
+
+_The Kaiser_. Very well. Only you must put in that bit about my being
+actuated by the highest and most disinterested motives.
+
+_The Tsar_. That applies to all of us.
+
+_The Sultan_. Umph.
+
+_The Tsar_. Again he agrees. Isn't it wonderful? I've never met a more
+accommodating ally. It's a real pleasure to work with him. Now then,
+we're all quite sure, aren't we, that we really want to go on with the
+War, and that we utterly reject all peace-talk?
+
+_The Kaiser_. Utterly--but if they come and _sue_ to us for peace we
+might graciously consider their offer.
+
+_The Tsar_. That means nothing, of course, so there's no harm in
+putting it in. At any rate it will please the POPE. We're quite sure,
+then, that we want to go on with the War? Of course I'm heart and soul
+for going on with it to the last gasp, but I cannot help pointing out
+that at present Bulgaria has got all she wants, and my people are very
+fond of peace.
+
+_The Sultan_. Umph.
+
+_The Tsar_. He knows that is so. He's very fond of peace himself. You
+see he hasn't had much luck in the War, have you, MEHMED?
+
+_The Sultan_. The English--
+
+_The Tsar_. Quite true; the English are an accursed race.
+
+_The Sultan_. The English have a lot of--
+
+_The Kaiser_. A lot of vices? I should think they have.
+
+_The Sultan (persisting)_. The English have a lot of men and guns.
+
+_The Tsar_. Well done, old friend; you've got it off your chest at
+last. I hope you're happy now. But, as to this peace of ours, can't
+something be done? I always say it's a great thing to know when to
+stop. So it might be as well to talk about peace, even if your talk
+means nothing. In any case, I tell you frankly, I want peace.
+
+_The Kaiser_. FERDINAND!
+
+_The Tsar_. Oh, it's no use to glare at me like that. If it comes to
+glaring I can do a bit in that line myself.
+
+_The Sultan_. The Americans--
+
+_The Kaiser_ \  _(together)_.
+_The Tsar_   / Oh, curse the Americans!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Postlethwaite (keenly appreciative of hum of Gotha
+overhead)._ "LISTEN, AGATHA! EXACTLY B FLAT." {_Strikes note to
+establish accuracy of his ear._}]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STANZAS ON TEA SHORTAGE.
+
+    [Mr. M. GRIEVE, writing from "The Whins," Chalfont St. Peter, in
+    _The Daily Mail_ of the 12th inst., suggests herb-teas to meet
+    the shortage, as being far the most healthful substitutes. "They
+    can also," he says, "be blended and arranged to suit the gastric
+    idiosyncrasies of the individual consumer. A few of them are
+    agrimony, comfrey, dandelion, camomile, woodruff, marjoram,
+    hyssop, sage, horehound, tansy, thyme, rosemary, stinging-nettle
+    and raspberry."]
+
+  Although, when luxuries must be resigned,
+    Such as cigars or even breakfast bacon,
+  My hitherto "unconquerable mind"
+    Its philosophic pose has not forsaken,
+  By one impending sacrifice I find
+    My stock of fortitude severely shaken--
+  I mean the dismal prospect of our losing
+  The genial cup that cheers without bemusing.
+
+  Blest liquor! dear to literary men,
+    Which Georgian writers used to drink like fishes,
+  When cocoa had not swum into their ken
+    And coffee failed to satisfy all wishes;
+  When tea was served to monarchs of the pen,
+    Like JOHNSON and his coterie, in "dishes,"
+  And came exclusively from far Cathay--
+  See "China's fragrant herb" in WORDSWORTH'S lay.
+
+  Beer prompted CALVERLEY'S immortal rhymes,
+    Extolling it as utterly eupeptic;
+  But on that point, in these exacting times,
+    The weight of evidence supports the sceptic;
+  Beer is not suitable for torrid climes
+    Or if your tendency is cataleptic;
+  But tea in moderation, freshly brewed,
+  Was never by Sir ANDREW CLARK tabooed.
+
+  We know for certain that the GRAND OLD MAN
+    Drank tea at midnight with complete impunity,
+  At least he long outlived the Psalmist's span
+    And from ill-health enjoyed a fine immunity;
+  Besides, robust Antipodeans can
+    And do drink tea at every opportunity;
+  While only Stoics nowadays contrive
+  To shun the cup that gilds the hour of five.
+
+  But war is war, and when we have to face
+    Shortage in tea as well as bread and boots
+  'Tis well to teach us how we may replace
+    The foreign brew by native substitutes,
+  Extracted from a vegetable base
+    In various wholesome plants and herbs and fruits,
+  "Arranged and blended," very much like teas,
+  To suit our "gastric idiosyncrasies."
+
+  It is a list for future use to file,
+    Including woodruff, marjoram and sage,
+  Thyme, agrimony, hyssop, camomile
+    (A name writ painfully on childhood's page),
+  Tansy, the jaded palate to beguile,
+    Horehound, laryngeal troubles to assuage,
+  And, for a cup ere mounting to the stirrup,
+  The stinging-nettle's stimulating syrup.
+
+  And yet I cannot, though I gladly would,
+    Forget the Babylonian monarch's cry,
+  "It may be wholesome, but it is not good,"
+    When grass became his only food supply;
+  Such weakness ought, of course, to be withstood,
+    But oh, it wrings the teardrop from my eye
+  To think of Polly putting on the kettle
+  To brew my daily dose of stinging-nettle!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"DEAR BRUTUS."
+
+There are great ways of borrowing, as EMERSON said, and in his new
+Fantasy Sir JAMES BARRIE has given us a very charming variation on
+_A Midsummer Night's Dream_ (with echoes of _Peter Pan_ and _The
+Admirable Crichton_). Certainly I got far more fun out of his deluded
+lovers in the Magic Wood than I ever extracted from the comedy of
+errors which occurred between the ladies and gentlemen of the Court
+of _Theseus_.
+
+In _Dear Brutus_ the contrast between real life and the life of
+Magicland is sharply accentuated by the fact that there is not a
+separate set of characters for each; the same men and women figure in
+both, making abrupt transitions from one to the other and back again.
+We have a house party of actual humans (not too obtrusively actual),
+most of whom, including the butler, imagine that if they could have a
+Second Chance in life they would not make such a mess of it as they
+did with the First. One of them thinks he would never have taken to
+drink and lost his self-respect and his wife's love if he had only had
+a child; one that he would not have become a pilferer if he had stuck
+to the City; others that they would have done better to have married
+Somebody Else. Well, they are all whisked off into the Magic Wood, and
+there they get their Second Chance. The pilferer becomes a successful
+tradesman in a large and questionable way; the tippler finds himself
+sober and attended by the daughter of his heart's desire; various
+married folk get re-sorted; and so forth.
+
+The moral purpose (if any) of the author, as conveyed to us through
+the mouth of the leading humourist of the party, is to show that a
+man's nature would remain the same even if he got a Second Chance.
+Unfortunately--but what can you expect in the realm of Magic?--the
+scheme does not work out with any logical consistency. It is true
+that the philanderer and the pilfering butler show little promise of
+making anything out of their Second Chance; but, on the other hand,
+the childless tippler seems to have gone reformation and recovered
+his wife's regard; and if I rightly interpret certain delicate
+indications, they propose to have a pearl of a daughter later on. Also
+the dainty and supercilious _Lady Caroline_, who in the wood becomes
+enamoured of the butler-turned-plutocrat (_cf. Titania_ and _Bottom_)
+and subsequently returns to her sniffiness, cannot be said to have
+lost much by failing to utilise her Second Chance.
+
+However, one might never have troubled about Sir JAMES'S logic if he
+had not declared his moral purpose in set terms. I suppose he had to
+explain his title, which was sufficiently obscure. It comes, as Mr.
+SOTHERN kindly informed us, from the lines:--
+
+  "The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars,
+  But in ourselves."
+
+_Brutus_, in fact, is the famous general to whom certain things were
+caviare. He is the typical man in the audience, to whom Sir JAMES
+says: "You, too, Brutus; I'm talking at you."
+
+[Illustration: IN AND OUT OF THE WOOD.
+
+  _Mr. Purdie_    MR. SAM SOTHERN.
+  _Mr. Coade_     MR. NORMAN FORBES.
+  _Mr. Dearth_    MR. GERALD DU MAURIER.]
+
+Happily (for my taste, anyhow) the humour of the play dominates its
+sentiment. And where the sentiment of the child _Margaret_ threatens
+to overstrain itself we had always the healthy antidote of Mr. DU
+MAURIER'S practical methods to correct its tendency to cloy. He was
+extraordinarily good both as himself and, for a rare change, as
+somebody quite different. Miss FAITH CELLI as his daughter--a sort of
+_Peter Pan_ girl who does grow up, far too tall--was delightful in the
+true BARRIE manner. It was a pity--but that was not her fault--that
+she had to end her long and difficult scene on rather a false note.
+I am almost certain that no child (outside a BARRIE play), who is
+left alone in a Magic Wood, scared out of her life, would cry aloud,
+"Daddy, daddy, I don't want to be a Might-have-been." The sentiment of
+the words was, of course, part of the scheme, but it was not for her
+to say them.
+
+Mr. NORMAN FORBES, in the Wood, was an elderly piping faun and
+performed with astonishing agility a sword-dance over a stick crossed
+with his whistle. Elsewhere as _Mr. Coade_ he played very engagingly
+the part of the only character who had made such good use of his First
+Chance that he really didn't need a Second. Both in name and nature he
+brought to mind the late Mr. CHOATE, who gallantly declared that if he
+had not been what he was he would have liked to be his wife's second
+husband. And no wonder that _Mr. Coade_ wanted nothing better than to
+remain attached to so adorable a creature as his wife, played with a
+delightful homeliness by Miss MAUDE MILLETT, who has lost nothing of
+that charm to which, with _Mr. Coade_, we retain the most faithful
+devotion.
+
+Mr. WILL WEST was admirable as a _Crichton_ gone wrong; and Mr.
+SOTHERN, as the philanderer _Purdie_, took all his Chances of humour,
+and they were many, with the greatest aplomb. They included some very
+pleasant satire on stage manners. I have only to mention the names
+of Miss HILDA MOORE, Miss JESSIE BATEMAN, Miss DORIS LYTTON and Miss
+LYDIA BILBROOKE for you to understand how excellent a cast it was,
+both for wit and grace.
+
+Finally, Mr. ARTHUR HATHERTON, as _Lob_, the host of the party, a kind
+of hoary old _Puck_ who had a _penchant_ for filling his house every
+Midsummer Eve with people who wanted a Second Chance, interpreted Sir
+JAMES'S whimsical fancy to the very top of freakishness.
+
+I hope, but doubtfully, that there are enough Dear Brutuses in London
+(so many aliens have lately fled) to do justice to BARRIE at his best.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LE MOT JUSTE.
+
+    "Tea is very scarce and that to Irish folks, who like it black
+    and strong, with always 'one more for the pot,' is a source of
+    damentation."--_Liverpool Daily Post and Mercury_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Another Army Order provides that an officer while undergoing
+    instruction in flying shall receive continuous flying pay at
+    the rate of 4s. a day in addition from the public-houses of the
+    town."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+Very generous of them; but what will the Board of Liquor Control say?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Vicar._ "AND WHAT WERE YOUR SENSATIONS WHEN YOU WERE
+STRUCK?"
+
+_Wounded Tommy._ "WELL, IT WAS LIKE WHEN THE MISSIS COPS YEH BEHIND
+THE EAR WITH A FLAT-IRON--_YOU KNOW_."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._)
+
+I have often pitied the lot of the costume novelist, faced with the
+increasing difficulty of providing fresh and unworn trappings for his
+characters. Therefore with all the more warmth do I congratulate those
+seasoned adventurers, AGNES and EGERTON CASTLE, on their acumen in
+discovering such a setting as that of _Wolf-lure_ (CASSELL). The name
+alone should be worth many editions. Nor do the contents in any sort
+belie it. This remote country of Guyenne, a hundred years ago, with
+its forests and caves and subterranean lakes, with, moreover, its
+rival wolf-masters, Royal and Imperial, and its wild band of coiners,
+is the very stage for any hazardous and romantic exploit. It should
+be added at once that the authors have taken full advantage of these
+possibilities. From the moment when the wandering English youth who
+tells the tale wakes on the hillside to find himself contemplated
+by a lovely maiden and a gigantic wolf-hound, the adventure dashes
+from thrill to thrill unpausing. One protest however I must
+utter. The conduct of the young and lovely heroine (as above) and
+her single-minded devotion to her lover may be true to nature,
+but somewhat alienated my own sympathies, already given to the
+first-person-singular English lad who also adored her, and whom both
+she and her chosen mate treated abominably. To my thinking, unrequited
+devotion has no business in a tale of this sort. Realistic pathos may
+have its _Dobbin_ or _Tom Pinch_, but the wild and whirling episodes
+of tushery demand the satisfactory finish hallowed by custom.
+With this reservation only I can call _Wolf-lure_ about the best
+adventure-novel that the present season has produced.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Since the opening pages of _Calvary Alley_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) are
+concerned with choir-boys and a cathedral and a rose-window, things to
+which one gives, without sufficient reason, an association exclusively
+of the Old World, I was a little startled, as the action proceeded,
+by the mention of cops and dimes and trolly-cars. Of course this
+only meant that I had forgotten, ungratefully, the country in which
+any story by ALICE HEGAN RICE might be expected to be laid. Anyhow,
+_Calvary Alley_ proves an admirable entertainment, a tale of a girl's
+expanding fortunes, from the grim slum that gives its name to the
+book, through many varied experiences of reform schools, a bottling
+factory and membership of the ballet, up to the haven of matrimony.
+Through them all, _Nance_, the heroine, carries a very human and
+engaging personality, so that one is made to see the young woman
+who is clasped to the heroic breast on the last page as the logical
+development of the ragged urchin stamping her bare foot into the soft
+cement of _Calvary Alley_ on the first. Moreover--wonder of wonders
+for transatlantic fiction!--the author is able to write about
+children, and the contrasted lives of rich and poor city dwellers,
+without lapsing into sentimentality, _O si sic omnes!_ But either
+American bishops are strangely different from the English variety,
+or Mrs. RICE, following Mr. WELLS'S example, has permitted herself
+an episcopal burlesque. In either case the resulting portrait is
+hardly worthy of an otherwise admirably-drawn collection of original
+characters.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Christine_ (MACMILLAN) contains a very illuminating picture of
+Germany in the months immediately preceding the War; but I am
+perplexed--and a little provoked--by the way in which it is presented.
+The book opens with a pathetic foreword, signed by Miss ALICE
+CHOLMONDELEY, in which we read: "My daughter Christine, who wrote
+me these letters, died at a hospital in Stuttgart on the morning
+of August 8th, 1914, of acute double pneumonia.... I am publishing
+the letters just as they came to me, leaving out nothing.... The
+war killed Christine, just as surely as if she had been a soldier
+in the trenches.... I never saw her again. I had a telegram saying
+she was dead. I tried to go to Stuttgart, but was turned back at
+the frontier." Then follows a Publishers' note to the effect that
+some personal names have been altered. After this one is naturally
+surprised to find the book advertised as a "new novel." All I can
+say is that, if Miss CHOLMONDELEY'S preface is true, her book is not
+a novel, and that, if it is untrue, I do not think the foreword is
+fair or in good taste. My opinion, for what it is worth, is that Miss
+CHOLMONDELEY was herself in Germany during the summer of 1914, and
+has chosen this way of telling us what she saw and heard. Anyhow the
+letters are undoubtedly the work of someone who knows Germany and the
+inhabitants thereof. And for this excellent reason _Christine_ should
+not be missed by anyone who wants to know in what a state of militant
+anticipation the Germans were living. The strongest searchlight
+has been thrown over the Hun, from the habitues of a middle-class
+boarding-house to members of the Junker breed. Whether these letters
+ought to be classed as fiction or not they contain facts, and as they
+are written in a style at once vivid and engaging my advice to you is
+to read them and not worry too much about the foreword.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Four Corners of the World_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is emphatically
+what I should call a fireside book. On these chill Autumn evenings,
+with the rain or the dead leaves or the shrapnel whirling by outside,
+you could have few more agreeable companions than Mr. A.E.W. MASON,
+when he is, as here, in communicative mood. He has a baker's dozen of
+excellent tales to tell, most of them with a fine thrill, out of which
+he gets the greatest possible effect, largely by the use of a crisp
+and unemotional style that lets the sensational happenings go their
+own way to the nerves of the reader. As an example of how to make the
+most of a good theme, I commend to you the story pleasantly, if not
+very originally, named "The House of Terror." Before now I have been
+ensnared to disappointment by precisely this title. But Mr. MASON'S
+House holds no deception; it genuinely does terrify; and when at the
+climax of its history the two persons concerned see the door swing
+slowly inwards, and "the white fog billowed into the room," while
+"Glyn felt the hair stir and move upon his scalp," I doubt not that
+you will almost certainly partake of some measure of his emotion.
+Naturally, in a mixed bag such as this, one can't complain if the
+quality of the contents varies. Not all the tales reach the level of
+"The House of Terror"; but in every one there is enough artistry to
+occupy any spare half-hour you may have for such purposes, without
+letting you feel afterwards that it was wasted. And as a hospital
+present the collection could hardly be beaten.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Miss MARJORIE BOWEN'S historical romances usually have the merit of
+swift movement, and that is precisely the quality I miss in _The Third
+Estate_ (METHUEN). It does not march--at least not quick enough.
+You will not need to be told that Miss BOWEN has saturated herself
+conscientiously in her period--an intensely interesting period
+too--and has contrived her atmosphere most competently and plausibly.
+But for all that I couldn't make myself greatly interested in the bold
+bad Marquis DE SARCEY in those anxious two years before "the Terror,"
+with his insufferable pride, his incredible elegance, his fantastic
+ideas of love and his idiotic marriage, the negotiations for which,
+with the resulting complications, take up so large a space in a
+lengthy book. It gives one the impression of being written not
+"according to plan" but out of a random fancy, with so hurried a pen
+that not merely have irrelevant incidents, absurdities of diction, and
+indubitable _longueurs_ escaped excision, but such lapses from the
+King's fair English as "save you and I" and "I shoot with my own hand
+he who refuses." Even a popular author--indeed, especially a popular
+author--owes us more consideration than that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Fortunes of Richard Mahony_ (HEINEMANN) is one of those pleasant
+books in which the hero prospers. True, the process as here shown
+is very gradual; so much so that the four hundred odd pages of the
+present volume only take us as far as "End of Book One." Clearly,
+therefore, Mr. H.H. RICHARDSON has more to follow; and, as one should
+call no hero fortunate till his author has ceased writing, it is as
+yet too early for a final pronouncement upon _Richard Mahony_. My own
+honest impression at this stage would be that he is in some danger of
+outgrowing his strength. This pathological phrase comes the more aptly
+since _Richard's_ fortune, though begun in the goldfields, was not
+derived from digging, but from the practice of medicine, and from a
+lucky speculation in mining stock (I liked especially the description
+of the day when the shares sold at fifty-three, and _Richard_ "went
+about feeling a little more than human"). The end of the whole matter,
+at least the end for the present, is that, with his wife, and what he
+can get together from the remains of the mining _coup_, and the sale
+of a somewhat damaged practice, _Richard_ sets forth for England.
+Obviously more turns of fortune are in store there for him and _Mary_
+and that queer character, his one-time inseparable, _Purdy_. That I
+anticipate their future with much interest is a genuine tribute to
+the humanity in which Mr. RICHARDSON has clothed his cast. _Richard
+Mahony_, in short, is a real man, whose fortunes take a genuine hold
+upon one's attention; though I repeat that I could wish his author had
+told them less wordily, and--in one glaring instance--with a greater
+respect for the decencies of medical reticence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: USING PETROL FOR PLEASURE.
+
+JOY-RIDERS CAUGHT RED-HANDED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LONG-DISTANCE MEDICAL TREATMENT.
+
+    "A telephone massage was received last night by the Scotland
+    Yard authorities."--_Bristol Times and Mirror_.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+153, OCT. 24, 1917***
+
+
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