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diff --git a/11076-0.txt b/11076-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d72b9a1 --- /dev/null +++ b/11076-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1701 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11076 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 11076-h.htm or 11076-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/0/7/11076/11076-h/11076-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/1/0/7/11076/11076-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 153. + +OCTOBER 24, 1917. + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +Those who think that people in high positions live a life of ease +and comfort received a rude shock last week. It is said that, while +visiting the Royal Enfield Works canteen, the Duke of CONNAUGHT drank +two glasses of Government ale. + + *** + +Britons have no monopoly of pluck, it seems. Last week a Basuto +soldier attached to a labour battalion offered the LORD MAYOR'S +coachman a cigarette. + + *** + +Two German bankers, formerly of London, have been arrested in New York +as dangerous aliens. Neither of them is a member of our Privy Council. + + *** + +It is understood that the Spanish Government has addressed a note to +the Allies explaining that all possible precautions will have been +taken against the forthcoming escape of U23. + + *** + +The PREMIER has received the magnificent gold casket containing the +freedom of the City of London conferred on him last April. A momentary +excitement was caused by the rumour that the Corporation had thrown +off all restraint and filled it with tea. + + *** + +A Brigadier-General has been fined for shooting game on Sunday in +Hampshire. Sir DOUGLAS HAIG, we understand, has generously arranged +to close down the War on the first Wednesday in every month, in order +that the Higher Command may assist in supplying the hospitals with +game. + + *** + +Seven lunatics have escaped from a South Wales Asylum. It is assumed +that they got away by disguising themselves as German prisoners. + + *** + +It has been decided that Counsel may appear before the High Court +dressed as Special Constables. It seems almost certain that this news +was withheld from Sir JOHN SIMON until he had definitely consented to +join Sir DOUGLAS HAIG'S Staff. + + *** + +Two million pounds of jam per week, "the greater part strawberry," are +being, it is stated, delivered to the Army. Only the fact that the +Army Service Corps' labels all happen to be "plum and apple" prevents +the stuff being distributed to our brave troops. + + *** + +Attempts to destroy livestock destined for the Allies are being +investigated, says a New York paper. Only a few days ago, it will be +remembered, a certain Legation discovered that its seals had been +tampered with. + + *** + +It is announced that the War Office has taken over "the greater part" +of the new London County Hall. Our casualties were insignificant. + + *** + +We are sorry to say that Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY'S latest success, _The +Saving Grace_, is not dedicated to Sir ARTHUR YAPP. + + *** + +There is no foundation for the report that the recent postponement of +the production of _Cash on Delivery_ at the Palace was due to the fact +that a new joke was alleged to have been let loose in Mr. Justice +DARLING'S court. + + *** + +Extravagant funerals have been condemned by Sir JOHN PAGET at the +Law Society Appeal Tribunal, and undertakers are complaining that in +consequence many of their best customers have decided to postpone +their interment till better times. + + *** + +"Cats should be brought inside the house during air-raids," says the +Feline Defence League. When left on the roof they are liable to be +mistaken for aerial torpedoes. + + *** + +According to the _Cologne Gazette_ German soldiers on the Western +Front have formed "Wilhelm Clubs," the members of which are compelled +on oath to undertake the work of gaining information about the British +lines. We understand that the terms for life-membership are most +moderate. + + *** + +A German prisoner named BOLDT has escaped from Leigh internment camp. +It is stated that he would have experienced no additional difficulty +in escaping if he had been called by any other name. + + *** + +"We want no patched-up peace," says Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD. But if the +assaults upon pacifist meetings continue we feel sure there will be +some patched-up peacemongers. + + *** + +Twopenny dinners are the speciality at a Northern munition works' +canteen. We have long been used to twopenny meals, but of course much +more was charged for them. + + *** + +There appears to be no truth in the report that a burglar has been +fined for infringing the Defence of the Realm Regulations by using an +unshaded lantern. + + *** + +An application is to be made to the LORD CHANCELLOR for a County Court +for the Hendon district, though a contemporary remarks that it is +doubtful whether there is sufficient work to be done there. But surely +this is just the sort of case that could be met by a little judicious +advertising. + + *** + +Parliament is to be asked to pass a vote of thanks to the Naval and +Military Forces of the Crown. And it is thought that the latter will +reciprocate by thanking Parliament for giving them such a jolly little +war. + + *** + +Much concern has been caused by the announcement that bees are +entirely without winter stocks. We have pleasure in recording a +gallant but unavailing attempt to remedy the situation on the part +of two dear old ladies, who thought the paper said "socks." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sympathetic Passer-by._ "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOUR +LITTLE BROTHER?" + +_The Sister._ "PLEASE, MISS, 'E'S WORRYIN' ABOUT RUSSIA."] + + * * * * * + +PUNCH'S ROLL OF HONOUR. + +We regret to hear that Captain E.G.V. KNOX, Lincolnshire Regiment, has +been wounded. The many friends of "Evoe" will wish him a speedy and +complete recovery. + + * * * * * + + "Batches of one of its regiments were in such a hurry to get out + of the Ypres front when relieved by the 92nd Regiment that they + left without giving the newcomers infor-[inverted type: mation + about the line or state of their flanks.]"--_Scots Paper_. + +The line seems to have been seriously disorganised in consequence. + + * * * * * + +PRATT'S TOURS OF THE FRONT. + +THE LAST WORD IN SENSATION. + +By special arrangement Pratt's are able to offer their patrons unique +opportunities of witnessing the stirring events of the Great Struggle. + +Don't miss it; you may never see another War. + +Come and see Tommy at work and play. + +Come and be _shelled_--a genuine thrill! Same as during London's +Air-raids, but less danger. + +At the conclusion of the Tour patrons will be presented with a +Handsome Medal as a souvenir of their exploits. + + * * * * * + +The following is a list of Tours that Pratt's offer _you_:-- + +PRATT'S TOURS OF THE BACK. + +(ONE WEEK.) + +Very cheap. Very safe. Headquarters at the historic town of Amiens. + +Itinerary includes: Battlefields of the Somme and Ancre, Bapaume, +Arras, Vimy Ridge, Ypres, etc. Guides will take parties round the old +British Front lines. The German Defence System will be explained by +harmless Huns actually taken at those places. + +_SPECIAL ATTRACTIONS._ + +Lantern Lecture by Captain Crump at Thiepval Château. Recherché +Suppers at Serre Sucrerie. + + * * * * * + +PRATT'S TOURS OF TRENCHES. + +(FOUR DAYS.) + +See the real thing. Live it yourself. Dine in a dugout. Drink rum +as the Tommy drinks it. See Staff Officers at work (if it can be +arranged). + +_RESTRICTIONS._ + +I. Loud laughing and talking is discouraged. + +II. Sunshades and umbrellas must not be put up when in the front line. + +III. Don't talk to the man at the periscope. + +_GAS WARNING._ + +In case of gas put on the respirator; otherwise breathe out +continuously. + +_SPECIAL ATTRACTION._ + +Official Photographers in attendance during Christmas week. + +If possible visitors will be given the opportunity of witnessing a +practice barrage on the Enemy's front line. + +Back seats (in ammunition dumps), two guineas. Front seats (firing +line), sixpence. + +Terms inclusive for the four days, twenty guineas. Good food. Sugar +_ad lib_. All reasonable precautions taken. Casualties amongst +visitors up to the present, one sick (sugar saturation). + + * * * * * + +PRATT'S BRIEF TOURS FOR BUSY PEOPLE. + +(SATURDAY TO MONDAY.) + +Very short. Very moderate terms. Five guineas each tour or three for +twelve and a-half. Bring the boy. + +_SPECIAL ATTRACTION._ + +Magnificent Switchback Railway up and down the Messines Mine Craters. +Spot where Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL lost his little Homburg hat under +fire will be shown. + + * * * * * + +THE YPRES CARNIVAL. + +(THREE DAYS.) + +All the fun of the fair. Souvenirs supplied while you wait. + +_SPLENDID SIDE-SHOW FEATURES._ + +I. How our lads keep fit. Regimental sports. Rivet your sides and see +the Bread and Jam Race. + +II. Obstacle Race. Lorry _versus_ Staff Car (with French carts, +traffic control and G.S. wagons as obstacles). Very amusing. Language +real. + +_FOR THE YOUNGSTERS._ + +Pick-a-back rides on the Highland Light Elephantry. + +_ACCOMMODATION._ + + Bedrooms (_en pension_)-- + Ground floor.............. One guinea. + First floor (below) ...... Three guineas. + Second floor (very safe).. Ten guineas. + + * * * * * + +PRATT'S "BATTLE" TOUR. + +Extraordinary offer. Thrills guaranteed. + +By special arrangement Pratt's are enabled to offer their patrons a +first-class view of the _British Weekly Push_ "Somewhere in France (or +Flanders)." + +Attention is called to the following specially attractive items (there +may be others):-- + +1. _View of Preliminary Bombardment_ from an absolutely proof 12-inch +O.P. The surrounding country and the objectives of the next attack +will be explained by a specially trained Staff Officer. + +2. _The Battle._ + +Visitors are earnestly requested to be in time, as space in the +Observation Post is limited and late arrivals cause a great deal +of discomfort to all. Ladies are respectfully requested to remove +their hats. + +3. _The Aftermath._ + +(a) Special Shelters are erected at cross-roads for visitors to +witness the getting-up of guns, ammunition, etc., after the attack. +Please don't feed the men as they go by or ask the Gunners questions. + +(b) Breakfast in Boschland. Lunch in a Listening Post. Supper in +a Saphead. + +(c) A Special Narrow-gauge Railway will take Visitors to the +newly-acquired forward area (not obligatory). This part of the +programme is liable to variation. + +Terms, fifty guineas. An Insurance Agent is always in attendance. +Casualties up to the present, one Conscientious Objector missing, +believed joined up. + + * * * * * + +Bombardments arranged at the shortest notice. For five pounds you can +fire a 15-inch. Write for Free Booklet and apply for all particulars +to Pratt's Agency, London, Paris, etc., etc. + + * * * * * + +VISITORS. + + When I was very ill in bed + The fairies came to visit me; + They danced and played around my head, + Though other people couldn't see. + + Across the end a railing goes + With bars and balls and twisted rings, + And there they jiggled on their toes + And did the wonderfullest things. + + They balanced on the golden balls, + They jumped about from bar to bar, + And then they fluttered to the walls + Where coloured birds and roses are. + + I watched them darting in and out, + I watched them gaily climb and cling, + While all the roses moved about + And all the birds began to sing. + + And when it was no longer light + I felt them up my pillows creep, + And there they sat and sang all night-- + I heard them singing in my sleep. + + R.F. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER SEX PROBLEM. + + "From Lord Rosebery's herd at Mentmore, Mr. Ross got a show cow + of the Lady Dorothy family, giving every appearance of being a + great milker and a tip-top bull calf."--_Aberdeen Free Press_. + + * * * * * + +From a German _communiqué_:-- + + "Our naval forces had encounters with Russian destroyers and + gungoats north of Oesel."--_Westminster Gazette_. + +The Russian reply to the ewe-boats, we suppose. + + * * * * * + + "Kugelmann, Ludwig, of Canterbury Road, Canterbury, grocer, has + adopted the name of Love Wisdom Power."--_Australian Paper_. + +Who said the Germans had no sense of humour? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BURGLAR BILL. + +THE POTSDAM PINCHER. "SURELY YOU AIN'T ASKIN' ME TO GIVE UP MY SWAG +ARTER ALL THE TROUBLE I'VE HAD GETTIN' IT, AN' ALL THE VALIBLE BLOOD +I'VE SPILT."] + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +The Babe went to England on leave. Not that this was any new +experience for him; he usually pulled it off about once a +quarter--influence, and that sort of thing, you know. He went down to +the coast in a carriage containing seventeen other men, but he got a +fat sleepy youth to sit on, and was passably comfortable. He crossed +over in a wobbly boat packed from cellar to attic with Red Tabs +invalided with shell shock, Blue Tabs with trench fever, and Green +Tabs with brain-fag; Mechanical Transporters in spurs and stocks, jam +merchants in revolvers and bowie-knives, Military Police festooned +with _pickelhaubes_, and here and there a furtive fighting man who had +got away by mistake, and would be recalled as soon as he landed. + +The leave train rolled into Victoria late in the afternoon. Cab touts +buzzed about the Babe, but he would have none of them; he would +go afoot the better to see the sights of the village--a leisurely +sentimental pilgrimage. He had not covered one hundred yards when +a ducky little thing pranced up to him, squeaking, "Where are your +gloves, Sir?" "I always put 'em in cold storage during summer along +with my muff and boa, dear," the Babe replied pleasantly. "Moreover, +my mother doesn't like me to talk to strangers in the streets, so +ta-ta." The little creature blushed like a tea-rose and stamped its +little hoof. "Insolence!" it squeaked. "You--you go back to France by +the next boat!" and the Babe perceived to his horror that he had been +witty to an Assistant Provost-Marshal! He flung himself down on his +knees, licking the A.P.M.'s boots and crying in a loud voice that he +would be good and never do it again. + +The A.P.M. pardoned the Babe (he wanted to save the polish on his +boots) on condition that he immediately purchased a pair of gloves of +the official cut and hue. The Babe did so forthwith and continued on +his way. He had not continued ten yards when another A.P.M. tripped +him up. "That cap is a disgrace, Sir!" he barked. "I know it, Sir," +the Babe admitted, "and I'm awfully sorry about it; but that hole in +it only arrived last night--shrapnel, you know--and I haven't had time +to buy another yet. I don't care for the style they sell in those +little French shops--do you?" + +The A.P.M. didn't know anything about France or its little shops, and +didn't intend to investigate; at any rate not while there was a war +on there. "You will return to the Front to-morrow," said he. The Babe +grasped his hand from him and shook it warmly. "Thank you--thank you, +Sir," he gushed; "I didn't want to come, but they made me. I'm from +Fiji; have no friends here, and London is somehow so different from +Suva it makes my head ache. I am broke and couldn't afford leave, +anyway. Thank you, Sir--thank you." + +"Ahem--in that case I will revoke my decision," said the A.P.M. "Buy +yourself an officially-sanctioned cap and carry on." + +The Babe bought one with alacrity; then, having tasted enough of the +dangers of the streets for one afternoon, took a taxi, and, lying in +the bottom well out of sight, sped to his old hotel. When he reached +his old hotel he found it had changed during his absence, and was now +headquarters of the Director of Bones and Dripping. He abused the +taxi-driver, who said he was sorry, but there was no telling these +days; a hotel was a hotel one moment, and the next it was something +entirely different. Motion pictures weren't in it, he said. + +Finally they discovered a hotel which was still behaving as such, and +the Babe got a room. He remained in that room all the evening, beneath +the bed, having his meals pushed in to him under the door. A prowling +A.P.M. sniffed at the keyhole but did not investigate further, which +was fortunate for the Babe, who had no regulation pyjamas. + +Next morning, crouched on the bottom boards of another taxi, he was +taken to his tailor, poured himself into the faithful fellow's hands, +and only departed when guaranteed to be absolutely A.P.M.-proof. He +went to the "Bolero" for lunch, ordered some oysters for a start, +polished them off and bade the waiter trot up the _consommé_. The +waiter shook his head, "Can't be done, Sir. Subaltern gents are only +allowed three and sixpenceworth of food and you've already had that, +Sir. If we was to serve you with a crumb more, we'd be persecuted +under the Trading with the Enemy Act, Sir. There's an A.P.M. sitting +in the corner this very moment, Sir, his eyeglass fixed on your every +mouthful very suspicious-like--" + +"Good Lord!" said the Babe, and bolted. He bolted as far as the next +restaurant, had a three-and-sixpenny _entrée_ there, went on to +another for sweets, and yet another for coffee and trimmings. These +short bursts between courses kept his appetite wonderfully alive. + +That afternoon he ran across a lady friend in Bond Street, "a War +Toiler enormously interested in the War" (see the current number of +_Social Snaps_). She had been at Yvonne's trying on her gauze for the +Boccaccio Tableaux in aid of the Armenians and needed some relaxation. +So she engaged the Babe for the play, to be followed by supper with +herself and her civilian husband. The play (a War-drama) gave the Babe +a fine hunger, but the Commissionaire (apparently a Major-General) +who does odd jobs outside the Blitz took exception to him. "Can't go +in, Sir." "Why not?" the Babe inquired; "my friends have gone in." +"Yessir, but no hofficers are allowed to obtain nourishment after 10 +p.m. under Defence of the Realm Act, footnote (a) to para. 14004." He +leaned forward and whispered behind his glove, "There's a Hay Pee Hem +under the portico watching your movements, Sir." The Babe needed no +further warning; he dived into his friends' Limousine and burrowed +under the rug. + + * * * * * + +Sometime later the door of the car was opened cautiously and the +moon-face of the Major-General inserted itself through the crack. +"Hall clear for the moment, Sir; the Hay Pee Hem 'as gorn orf dahn the +street, chasin' a young hofficer in low shoes. 'Ere, tyke this; I'm a +hold soldier meself." He thrust a damp banana in the Babe's hand and +closed the door softly. + +Next morning the Babe dug up an old suit of 1914 "civies" and put +them on. A woman in the Tube called him "Cuthbert" and informed him +gratuitously that her husband, twice the Babe's age, had volunteered +the moment Conscription was declared and had been fighting bravely +in the Army Clothing Department ever since. Further she supposed +the Babe's father was in Parliament and that he was a Conscientious +Objector. In Hyde Park one urchin addressed him as "Daddy" and asked +him what he was doing in the Great War; another gambolled round and +round him making noises like a rabbit. In Knightsbridge a Military +Policeman wanted to arrest him as a deserter. The Babe hailed a taxi +and, cowering on the floor, fled back to his hotel and changed into +uniform again. + +That night, strolling homewards in the dark immersed in thought, he +inadvertently took a pipe out of his pocket and lit it. An A.P.M. who +had been sleuthing him for half-a-mile leapt upon him, snatched the +pipe and two or three teeth out of his mouth and returned him to +France by the next boat. + + * * * * * + +His groom, beaming welcome, met him at the railhead with the horses. + +"Hello, old thing, cheerio and all the rest of it," Huntsman whinnied +lovingly. + +Miss Muffet rubbed her velvet muzzle against his pocket. "Brought a +lump of sugar for a little girl?" she rumbled. + +He mounted her and headed across country, Miss Muffet pig-jumping and +capering to show what excellent spirits she enjoyed. + +Two brigades of infantry were under canvas in Mud Gully, their cook +fires winking like red eyes. The guards clicked to attention and +slapped their butts as the Babe went by. A subaltern bobbed out of a +tent and shouted to him to stop to tea. "We've got cake," he lured, +but the Babe went on. + +A red-hat cantered across the stubble before him waving a friendly +crop, "Pip" Vibart the A.P.M. homing to H.Q. "Evening, boy!" he +holloaed; "come up and Bridge to-morrow night," and swept on over the +hillside. A flight of aeroplanes, like flies in the amber of sunset, +droned overhead _en route_ for Hunland. The Babe waved his official +cap at them: "Good hunting, old dears." + +They had just started feeding up in the regimental lines when he +arrived; the excited neighing of five hundred horses was music to his +ears. His brother subalterns hailed his return with loud and exuberant +noises, made disparaging remarks about the smartness of his clothes, +sat on him all over the floor and rumpled him. On sighting the Babe, +The O'Murphy went mad and careered round the table wriggling like +an Oriental dancer, uttering shrill yelps of delight; presently he +bounced out of the window, to enter some minutes later by the same +route, and lay the offering of a freshly slain rat at his best +beloved's feet. + +At this moment the skipper came in plastered thick with the mud of the +line, nodded cheerfully to his junior sub and instantaneously fell +upon the buttered toast. + +"Have a good time, Son?" he mumbled. "How's merrie England?" + +"Oh, England's all right, Sir," said the Babe, tickling The O'Murphy's +upturned tummy--"quite all right; but it's jolly to be home again +among one's ain folk." + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUT OF REACH. + +"Just ask Dr. Jones to run round to my place right away. Our cook's +fallen downstairs, broke her leg; the housemaid's got chicken-pox; and +my two boys have been knocked down by a taxi." + +"I'm sorry, sir, but the doctor was blown up in yesterday's air-raid +and he won't be down for a week."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT BRIGHTON. + +_Tommy (to alien Visitor about to run up to Town for the day)._ +"THIS IS THE VICTORIA PORTION, OLD SPORTSKI. HIGHER UP FOR LONDON +BRIDGEOVITCH."] + + * * * * * + +BEASTS ROYAL. + +V. + +KING LOUIS' PEACOCK. A.D. 1678. + + The paven terrace of Versailles + With tub and orange-tree, + And Dian's fountain tossed awry, + Were planned and made for me; + Since no one half so well as I + Could grace their symmetry, + Nor teach admiring man + The genuine pavane. + + I know that when King Louis wears + A Roman kilt and casque + His smile hides many secret tears + In ballet and in masque, + Since to outshine my pomp appears + So desperate a task, + And royal robes look pale + Beside my noble tail. + + With turquoise and with malachite, + With bronze and purple pied, + I march before him like the night + In all its starry pride; + LULLI may twang and MOLIÈRE write + His pastime to provide, + But seldom laughs the KING + So much as when I sing. + + His fiddles brown and pipes of brass + May LULLI now forsake, + While I make music on the grass + Before the storm-clouds break; + He stops his ears and cries "Alas!" + Because _he_ cannot make + With all his fiddlers fine + A melody like mine. + + LE BRUN is watching me, I know, + His palette on his thumb, + To catch the glory and the glow + That dazzle as I come; + So be it--but let MOLIÈRE go, + And LULLI crack his drum; + They do but waste their time; + Minstrel I am, and mime. + + Men say the KING is like the sun, + And from his wig they spin + The golden webs that, one by one, + Draw Spain and Flanders in; + He will grow proud ere they have done, + A most egregious sin, + And one to which my mind + Has never yet declined. + + * * * * * + +QUEER CATTLE. + + "Of the 217 sheep sold at the Sunderland Mart, yesterday, there + was a very large percentage of heifers and bullocks."--_Newcastle + Daily Journal_. + + * * * * * + +News from the Russian Front: Pop goes the Oesel. + + * * * * * + + "Chauffeur Gardener wanted, titled gentleman."--_Glasgow Herald_. + +We have often mistaken a taxi-driver for a lord. + + * * * * * + +PRESENCE OF MIND. + +The train came to one of those sudden stops in which the hush caused +by the contrast between the rattle of the wheels and their silence is +almost painful. During these pauses one is conscious of conversation +in neighbouring compartments, without however hearing any distinct +words. + +There were several of us, strangers to each other, who hitherto had +been minding our own business, but under the stress of this untoward +thing became companionable. + +A man at each window craned his body out, but withdrew it without +information. + +"I hope," said another, "there's not an accident." + +"I have always heard," said a fourth, "that in a railway accident +presence of mind is not so valuable as absence of body"--getting off +this ancient pleasantry as though it were his own. + +The motionlessness of the train was so absolute as to be +disconcerting; also a scandal. The business of trains, between +stations, is to get on. We had paid our money, not for undue +stoppages, but for movement in the direction of our various goals; +and it was infamous. + +Somebody said something of the kind. + +"Better be held up now," said a sententious man, "than be killed for +want of prudence." + +No one was prepared to deny this, but we resented its truth and +availed ourselves of a true-born free Briton's right to doubt the +wisdom of those in authority. We all, in short, looked as though +we knew better than engine-driver, signalman or guard. That is our +_métier_. + +Some moments, which, as in all delays on the line, seemed like hours, +passed and nothing happened. Looking out I saw heads and shoulders +protruding from every window, with curiosity stamped on all their +curves. + +"They should tell us what's the matter," said an impatient man. +"That's one of the stupid things in England--no one ever tells you +what's wrong. No tact in this country--no imagination." + +We all agreed. No imagination. It was the national curse. + +"And yet," said another man with a smile, "we get there." + +"Ah! that's our luck," said the impatient man. "We have luck far +beyond our deserts." He was very cross about it. + +Again the first man to speak hoped it was not an accident; and again +the second man, fearing that someone might have missed it, repeated +the old jest about presence of mind and absence of body. + +"Talking of presence of mind," said a man who had not yet spoken, +emerging from his book, "an odd thing happened to me not so very long +ago--since the War--and, as it chances, happened in a railway carriage +too--as it might be in this. It is a story against a friend of mine, +and I hope he's wiser now, but I'll tell it to you." + +We had not asked for his story but we made ourselves up to listen. + +"It was during the early days of the War," he said, "before some of us +had learned better, and my friend and I were travelling to the North. +He is a very good fellow, but a little hasty, and a little too much +disposed to think everyone wrong but himself. Opposite us was a man +hidden behind a newspaper, all that was visible of him being a huge +pair of legs in knickerbockers, between which was a bag of golf-clubs. + +"My friend at that time was not only suspicious of everyone's +patriotism but a deadly foe of golf. He even went so far as to call it +Scotch croquet and other contemptuous names. I saw him watching the +clubs and the paper and speculating on the age of the man, whose legs +were, I admit, noticeably young, and he drew my attention to him +too--by nudges and whispers. Obviously this was a shirker. + +"For a while my friend contented himself with half-suppressed snorts +and other signs of disapproval, but at last he could hold himself in +no longer. Leaning forward he tapped the man smartly on the knee, with +the question, 'Why aren't you in khaki?' It was an inquiry, you will +remember, that was being much put at the time--before compulsion came +in. + +"We all--there were two or three other people in the compartment--felt +that this was going too far; and I knew it only too well when the man +lowered his paper to see what was happening and revealed an elderly +face with a grey beard absolutely out of keeping with those vigorous +legs. + +"To my intense relief, however, he seemed to have been too much +engrossed by his paper to have heard. At any rate he asked my friend +to repeat his remark. + +"Here, you will agree, was, if ever, an opening for what we call +presence of mind. + +"My friend, like myself, had been so taken aback by the apparition of +more than middle age which confronted him when the paper was lowered +that for the moment he could say nothing; the other passengers were in +an ecstasy of anticipation; the man himself, a formidable antagonist +if he became nasty, waited for the reply with a non-committal +expression which might conceal pugnacity and might genuinely have +resulted from not hearing and desiring to hear. + +"And then occurred one of the most admirable instances of +resourcefulness in history. With an effort of self-collection and +a readiness for which I shall always honour him, my friend said, +speaking with precise clearness, 'I beg your pardon, Sir, but, +mistaking you for a golfing friend of mine at Babbacombe, I asked +you why you were not in Torquay. I offer my apologies.' + +"At these words the golfer bowed and resumed his paper, the other +passengers ceased for the moment to have the faintest interest in a +life which was nothing but Dead Sea fruit, and my friend uttered a +sigh of relief as he registered a vow never to be a meddlesome idiot +again. But he looked years older." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNCENSORED NEWS FROM FRANCE. + +_Visitor._ "And is your brother still in France?" + +_Little Girl._ "Yes." + +_Visitor._ "And what part of France is he in?" + +_Little Girl._ "He says he's in the Pink."] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW MRS. MARKHAM. + +II. + +CONVERSATION ON CHAPTER IV. + +_George._ I must ask you, Mamma, before we talk of anything else, +whether Withsak and Alldane were beheaded? + +_Mrs. M._ No; you will be relieved to hear that, although ALFRED +was greatly incensed against them and had resolved to proceed to +the enforcement of the extreme penalty, they were rescued by the +intervention of the Archbishop of Canterbury and afterwards granted +a free pardon on condition of abstaining from all participation in +public life. This magnanimity on the part of ALFRED is all the more +praiseworthy as many people firmly believed that these two princes +had attempted to poison him, and that they were responsible for all +the calamities which had befallen England from the invasion of JULIUS +CÆSAR, and which were destined to befall her till the end of time. +Indeed a writer in an old saga, known as the Blackblood Saga, went +so far as to maintain that the English climate had been permanently +ruined by the incantations of Prince Alldane. Undoubtedly his name was +an unfortunate one at the time, but, to judge by the old portraits +I showed you, neither of these princes looked capable of such +atrocities, and Prince Alldane was described as being the essence of +rotundity. + +_Richard._ Did not ALFRED invent the quartern loaf? + +_Mrs. M._ Yes; before his time the nobles lived exclusively on cake +and venison, while the peasantry subsisted on herbs and a substance +named woad, which was most injurious to their digestions. ALFRED, +who among his many accomplishments was an expert baker, himself gave +instructions to the wives of the poor, supplied them with flour, the +grinding of which was carried out in mills of his own devising, and +insisted that all loaves should be made of a certain quality and size, +with results most beneficial to the physique of his subjects. The +story of his quarrel with the woman who would insist on baking cakes +illustrates the difficulties he encountered in effecting his reforms. + +_Mary._ Was not ALFRED called "England's Darling"? + +_Mrs. M._ Yes, my dear, and no wonder. Before his time there were no +proper newspapers, the few issued being of high price and written in +an elaborate style which only appealed to the highly educated. ALFRED +changed all this, and insisted that they should be written in a +"simple, sensuous and passionate style." This was one of the causes of +his falling out with Withsak, who supported the old-fashioned methods, +while ALFRED was in favour of simplicity and brevity. You will find +all this related in the work of Leo Maximus, a learned writer, the +friend and admirer of ALFRED and author of his Life. + +_George._ How much I should like to read it. + +_Mrs. M._ You would find in it some inspiring and interesting +particulars of ALFRED's conversations and private life. + +_Mary._ How many things ALFRED did! I cannot think how he found time +for them all. + +_Mrs. M._ He found time by never wasting it. One-third of his time +he devoted to religious exercises and to study, another third to +sleep and necessary refreshment, and the other to the affairs of his +kingdom. The benefits he bestowed on his country were so great and +various that even to this day we hardly comprehend them fully, and +some ungrateful people refuse to regard them as benefits at all. + +_Richard._ How sad! But thanks to you, dear Mamma, we know better. +When Papa comes in to tea I will ask him when he thinks I shall be old +enough to read all the books that have ever been written about KING +ALFRED. I want to know everything about him. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mother (to curate)._ "AND DO YOU REALLY PRAY FOR YOUR +ENEMIES?" + +_Ethel (overhearing)._ "I DO, MUMMY." + +_Curate._ "AND WHAT DO YOU SAY IN YOUR PRAYER, MY CHILD?" + +_Ethel._ "I PRAY THAT THEY MAY BE BEATEN."] + + * * * * * + +IL FLAUTO MAGICO. + + "The Lord Mayor formally declared the aerodrome opened, and turned + on the flute diverting the waters of the Cardinal Wolsey river + underground."--_Evening News_. + + * * * * * + +From an interview with Lord ROBERT CECIL, as reported by _The +Manchester Guardian_:-- + + "It is literally true of the British soldier that he is _tans peur + et tans rapproche_." + +This perhaps explains some recent reflections on the linguistic +accomplishments of our Foreign Office. + + * * * * * + +MARIANA IN WAR-TIME. + + This tedious and important War + Has altered much that went before, + But did you hear about the change + At _Mariana's_ Moated Grange? + You all of you will recollect + The gross condition of neglect + In which the place appeared to be, + And _Mariana's_ apathy, + Her idleness, her want of tone, + Her--well, her absence of backbone. + Her relatives, no doubt, had tried + To single out the brighter side, + Had scolded her about the moss + And only made her extra cross. + + But when the War had really come + At once the place began to hum, + And _Mariana's_, bless her heart! + She threw herself into the part + Of cooking for the V.A.D. + And wholly lost her lethargy. + She sent her gardeners off pell-mell + (They hadn't kept the gardens well), + And got a lady-gardener in + Who didn't cost her half the tin, + And who, before she'd been a day, + Had scraped the blackest moss away. + She put a jolly little boat + For wounded soldiers on the moat; + Her relatives were bound to own + How practical the girl had grown. + She often said, "I feel more cheery, + I doubt if I can stick this dreary + Old grange again when peace is rife; + You really couldn't call it life." + + But something infinitely more + Than just a European War + Would have been requisite to part + Romance from _Mariana's_ heart; + Once more she felt within her stir + The dawn of _une affaire de coeur_; + In other words, I must confess + She found her thoughts were centred less + On that young man who never came + And more on Captain What's-his-name, + Who'd left his other leg in France + And was a model of romance. + + * * * * * + + The wedding was a pretty thing; + I sent the "Idylls of the King," + Well bound. And _Mariana_ wrote + A most appreciative note. + They live in London now, I'm told; + The Moated Grange is let (or sold); + I only hope they'll manage so + That TENNYSON need never know. + + * * * * * + +VERGILIANA. + +For a certain German Admiral on being booted: "_Ite, Capellæ_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HERE TO-DAY AND GONE TO-MORROW. + +CHORUS OF KAISER WILHELM'S EX-CHANCELLORS (_from below_). "COMING +DOWN, MICHAELIS?"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Tuesday, October 16th_.--To Mr. Punch's blunt inquiry, "Why?" in last +week's cartoon different answers would, I suppose, be returned by +various Members. The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER would say that the +reassembling of Parliament was necessary in order that he might obtain +a further Vote of Credit from the representatives of the taxpayers. +Brigadier-General PAGE CROFT, inventor and C.-in-C. of the new +"National" party, who has already attached to himself a following not +inferior numerically to the little band which, under Lord RANDOLPH +CHURCHILL in the eighties, struck terror into the hearts of the Front +Benches, longs to prove that, under his brilliant leadership, Lord +DUNCANNON, Sir RICHARD COOPER and Major ROWLAND HUNT will emulate the +early prowess of Sir JOHN GORST, Sir HENRY DRUMMOND-WOLFF and Mr. +ARTHUR BALFOUR. + +But a word to the gallant General: he will do little until he has +secured a corner-seat. By hook or by crook Mr. HOUSTON, "the Pirate +King," must be induced or compelled to surrender his coign of vantage +to the new generalissimo, who will then be able alternately to pour a +broadside into the Government or to enfilade the ex-Ministers who aid +and abet them. + +Then there are those humanized notes of interrogation like Mr. KING, +Mr. HOGGE and Mr. PEMBERTON BILLING. They would like Parliament to +be in permanent session in order that the world might have the daily +benefit of their searching investigations. Mr. KING has not yet quite +run into his best form. He had only six Questions on the Paper, and +actually asked only five of them--a concession which so paralysed +the MINISTER OF RECONSTRUCTION, to whom the missing Question was +addressed, that, when asked where his department was located, he +had to confess that he did not know the precise number, but it was +somewhere in Queen Anne's Gate. + +Eclipsed in Ireland by the more spectacular attractions of Sinn Fein, +the Nationalists' only hope of recovering their lost popularity is to +kick up the dust of St. Stephen's. Accordingly Mr. REDMOND gave notice +of yet another Vote of Censure on the Irish Executive, but whether +for its slackness or its brutality the terms of his motion do not +make quite clear. Perhaps he has not yet made up his own mind on +the subject. + +I feel sure that Mr. MONTAGU has a sense of humour, and I admired +the way in which he concealed its existence when explaining the +Indian Government's release of Mrs. BESANT. As he read the VICEROY'S +reference to "the tranquillizing effect of Mr. MONTAGU'S approaching +visit" the House rippled with laughter; and when he proceeded to say +that Mrs. BESANT had undertaken to use her influence to secure "a +calm atmosphere for my visit," the ripple became a wave. But with the +stoicism of the unchanging East he read on unmoved. + +Mr. KENNEDY JONES, taking up the _rôle_ of the newsboy in a recent +cartoon, invited the Government to give the Germans the monosyllabic +equivalent for a very warm time. Mr. BONAR LAW declined to commit +himself to the actual term, but announced the intention to set up a +new Air Ministry, and to "employ our machines over German towns so +far as military needs render us free to take such action." + +To return to Mr. Punch's question, "Why?" I think the answer most +Members would make would be, "Because we wanted to see what the +Ladies' Gallery would look like without the grille." It must be +confessed that those who cherished visions of a dull assembly made +glorious by flashing eyes, white arms, and brilliant dresses were +disappointed. + + "Stone walls do not a prison make, + Nor iron bars a cage," + +wrote LOVELACE. Well, the iron bars have gone, but the stone walls +remain, and make, if not a prison, something very like a _purdah_; and +the "angels alone that soar above" are almost as much cut off from the +inferior beings below them as they were before Sir ALFRED MOND came to +the rescue of Beauty in thrall. He is rather disappointed at getting +so little change out of his "fiver." + +_Wednesday, October 17th_.--The latest recruit to what JOHN KNOX +would have called the "monstrous regiment of Ministers" is Mr. WARDLE, +lately Chairman of the Labour Party. He made a promising _début_. Mr. +HOGGE professed to be anxious as to the future of the North-Eastern +Railway, which, according to him, had lent all its "genii" to the +Admiralty. Mr. WARDLE, quick to note the classical accuracy of the +plural, assured him that he need be under no apprehensions--"there +are still some genii left." + +Ireland is to have the extended franchise conferred by the +Representation of the People Bill, but not the accompanying +redistribution of seats. The Chairman suggested that Sir JOHN +LONSDALE, who wanted to do away with the anomaly, should move a +supplementary schedule embodying his own ideas of how Ireland should +be redistributed. Unfortunately--for one would have liked to see how +much was left for the other three provinces after he had designed an +Ulster commensurate with his notion of its relative importance--the +hon. Baronet demurred to this tempting proposal, and thought it was +a matter for the Government. + +Some very pleasant badinage between Lord HUGH CECIL and the HOME +SECRETARY as to the relative merits of the words "dwell" and "reside" +for the purpose of defining a voter's qualification was followed by an +exhaustive and exhausting lecture by Major CHAPPLE on how to tabulate +the alternative votes in a three-cornered election. His object was to +demonstrate that under the Government scheme the man whom the majority +of the voters might desire would infallibly be rejected, while by +a plan of his own, which he had tried successfully on a couple of +wounded soldiers, the best man invariably won. + +_Thursday, October 18th_.--The most obliging of men, Sir ALFRED MOND +nevertheless draws the line when he is asked to look a gift horse in +the mouth. His predecessor at the Office of Works having offered a +site for a statue of President LINCOLN, it is not for him to challenge +the artistic merit of the sculpture, which has been picturesquely +described as "a tramp with the colic." It is thought that the American +donors, after an exhaustive study of our outdoor monuments, have been +anxious to conform to British standards of taste. + +The "Nationals" are beginning to move. Their General elicited from the +Government a promise to introduce a Vote of Thanks to His Majesty's +Forces; though it is possible that this would have been done without +his intervention. His lieutenants were less successful. Sir RICHARD +COOPER could not persuade Mr. BONAR LAW to publish the official report +on the loss of the _Hampshire_, and is now more than ever convinced +that K. OF K. is languishing in a German prison-camp; while the HOME +SECRETARY intimated that he required no instruction from Major ROWLAND +HUNT in the business of suppressing seditious literature. + +After all, Ireland is to be redistributed. Unless the success of the +Convention renders the task superfluous, the Government will appoint a +Boundary Commission as an act of simple justice. Needless to say the +announcement was received with frenzied abuse by all the Nationalist +factions. Abstract justice, it seems, is the very last thing that +Ireland wants. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE RE-OPENING OF THE CAMPAIGN ON +OCTOBER 16TH A CERTAIN LIVELINESS WAS OBSERVED ON THE HIBERNIAN +FRONT.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "TURN AGAIN." + +_Instructor (to recruit, who on the command, "Left turn," has made a +mess of it)._ "NOW THEN, WHITTINGTON, 'AVE ANOTHER SHOT."] + + * * * * * + +GADGETS AND STUNTS. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Aware as you must be of a deplorable confusion +now prevailing in the public mind as to the true inwardness of the +expressions "gadget" and "stunt," you will agree, I am sure, that the +moment has come for a clear and authoritative ruling on this vexed +point. At a time when the pundits of the Oxford Dictionary are coldly +aloof, like GALLIO, and the Army Council, though often approached, +studiously reserve their decision, it rests with you Mr. Punch, as +Arbiter of National Opinion, to give judgment. + +What notion, then, of "gadget" and "stunt" is gained by the young +subaltern of today as he joins his regiment and shakes down to the +fundamental facts of life and death? He finds himself harassed by no +end of devilish enemy stunts, to stultify which a fatherly all-wise +War Office has given him an infinity of gadgets. For every stunt +an appropriate countering gadget. Does the foe strafe him with a +gas-bombing stunt? "Ha, ha!" laughs he, and dons that unlovely but +priceless gadget, his box-respirator. But by no means all gadgets have +just one peculiar stunt to counter; such a definition would exclude, +for instance, the height-gauge on a plane, which is emphatically, +wholly and eternally a gadget of gadgets. Moreover, gadgets are small +things. The airman's "joystick" is a gadget; the tank is not. Now are +these views sound, Sir, or is it permissible, as one authority does, +to describe persons as "gadgets"? + +One final word. A nervous subaltern recently appeared before his +Adjutant and called the Wurzel-Flummery Electro-Dynamical Apparatus, +Mark II., "this sky-plotter stunt." "Great Heavens!" gasped the +Adjutant, "what is the Service coming to? Stunt? Gadget, man, gadget!" +Three days later the hapless boy found himself desired to resign on +the grounds of "gross ignorance of military terminology." + +I am, dear Mr. Punch, + +Yours solemnly, + +ARCHIBALD. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRIALS OF A CAMOUFLAGE OFFICER. + +HAVING CAMOUFLAGED SOME COAST DEFENCES HE GOES TO SEA TO OBSERVE THE +EFFECT.] + + * * * * * + +HEART-TO-HEART TALKS. + +(_THE GERMAN KAISER, THE TSAR OF BULGARIA, AND THE SULTAN OF TURKEY._) + +_The Tsar_. You must admit that Sofia is a most agreeable place. Where +else could you find such genuine and overwhelming enthusiasm for the +War and our alliance? + +_The Kaiser_. I don't know. It didn't seem to me exactly violent; +but then, of course, you know your people better than I do, and it +may be-- + +_The Sultan_. Umph. + +_The Tsar_. I know just what you are going to say, MEHMED. You feel, +as we do, that the voice of the People is the true guide for a ruler. +You feel that too, don't you, WILHELM? + +_The Kaiser_. I have never hesitated to say so. It is on such +sentiments that the greatness of our Imperial House is based. + +_The Sultan_. Umph. + +_The Tsar_. There--I knew you would agree with us. You heard, WILHELM? +MEHMED agrees with us. + +_The Kaiser_. That is, of course, immensely gratifying. + +_The Tsar_. We will at once publish an announcement in all our +newspapers. It will declare that the three Sovereigns, after a +perfectly frank interchange of views, found no subject on which there +was even the shadow of a disagreement between them, and are resolved +in the closest alliance to continue the War against the aggressive +designs of the Entente Powers until a satisfactory peace is secured. +How does that suit you, WILHELM? + +_The Kaiser_. Very well. Only you must put in that bit about my being +actuated by the highest and most disinterested motives. + +_The Tsar_. That applies to all of us. + +_The Sultan_. Umph. + +_The Tsar_. Again he agrees. Isn't it wonderful? I've never met a more +accommodating ally. It's a real pleasure to work with him. Now then, +we're all quite sure, aren't we, that we really want to go on with the +War, and that we utterly reject all peace-talk? + +_The Kaiser_. Utterly--but if they come and _sue_ to us for peace we +might graciously consider their offer. + +_The Tsar_. That means nothing, of course, so there's no harm in +putting it in. At any rate it will please the POPE. We're quite sure, +then, that we want to go on with the War? Of course I'm heart and soul +for going on with it to the last gasp, but I cannot help pointing out +that at present Bulgaria has got all she wants, and my people are very +fond of peace. + +_The Sultan_. Umph. + +_The Tsar_. He knows that is so. He's very fond of peace himself. You +see he hasn't had much luck in the War, have you, MEHMED? + +_The Sultan_. The English-- + +_The Tsar_. Quite true; the English are an accursed race. + +_The Sultan_. The English have a lot of-- + +_The Kaiser_. A lot of vices? I should think they have. + +_The Sultan (persisting)_. The English have a lot of men and guns. + +_The Tsar_. Well done, old friend; you've got it off your chest at +last. I hope you're happy now. But, as to this peace of ours, can't +something be done? I always say it's a great thing to know when to +stop. So it might be as well to talk about peace, even if your talk +means nothing. In any case, I tell you frankly, I want peace. + +_The Kaiser_. FERDINAND! + +_The Tsar_. Oh, it's no use to glare at me like that. If it comes to +glaring I can do a bit in that line myself. + +_The Sultan_. The Americans-- + +_The Kaiser_ \ _(together)_. +_The Tsar_ / Oh, curse the Americans! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Postlethwaite (keenly appreciative of hum of Gotha +overhead)._ "LISTEN, AGATHA! EXACTLY B FLAT." {_Strikes note to +establish accuracy of his ear._}] + + * * * * * + +STANZAS ON TEA SHORTAGE. + + [Mr. M. GRIEVE, writing from "The Whins," Chalfont St. Peter, in + _The Daily Mail_ of the 12th inst., suggests herb-teas to meet + the shortage, as being far the most healthful substitutes. "They + can also," he says, "be blended and arranged to suit the gastric + idiosyncrasies of the individual consumer. A few of them are + agrimony, comfrey, dandelion, camomile, woodruff, marjoram, + hyssop, sage, horehound, tansy, thyme, rosemary, stinging-nettle + and raspberry."] + + Although, when luxuries must be resigned, + Such as cigars or even breakfast bacon, + My hitherto "unconquerable mind" + Its philosophic pose has not forsaken, + By one impending sacrifice I find + My stock of fortitude severely shaken-- + I mean the dismal prospect of our losing + The genial cup that cheers without bemusing. + + Blest liquor! dear to literary men, + Which Georgian writers used to drink like fishes, + When cocoa had not swum into their ken + And coffee failed to satisfy all wishes; + When tea was served to monarchs of the pen, + Like JOHNSON and his coterie, in "dishes," + And came exclusively from far Cathay-- + See "China's fragrant herb" in WORDSWORTH'S lay. + + Beer prompted CALVERLEY'S immortal rhymes, + Extolling it as utterly eupeptic; + But on that point, in these exacting times, + The weight of evidence supports the sceptic; + Beer is not suitable for torrid climes + Or if your tendency is cataleptic; + But tea in moderation, freshly brewed, + Was never by Sir ANDREW CLARK tabooed. + + We know for certain that the GRAND OLD MAN + Drank tea at midnight with complete impunity, + At least he long outlived the Psalmist's span + And from ill-health enjoyed a fine immunity; + Besides, robust Antipodeans can + And do drink tea at every opportunity; + While only Stoics nowadays contrive + To shun the cup that gilds the hour of five. + + But war is war, and when we have to face + Shortage in tea as well as bread and boots + 'Tis well to teach us how we may replace + The foreign brew by native substitutes, + Extracted from a vegetable base + In various wholesome plants and herbs and fruits, + "Arranged and blended," very much like teas, + To suit our "gastric idiosyncrasies." + + It is a list for future use to file, + Including woodruff, marjoram and sage, + Thyme, agrimony, hyssop, camomile + (A name writ painfully on childhood's page), + Tansy, the jaded palate to beguile, + Horehound, laryngeal troubles to assuage, + And, for a cup ere mounting to the stirrup, + The stinging-nettle's stimulating syrup. + + And yet I cannot, though I gladly would, + Forget the Babylonian monarch's cry, + "It may be wholesome, but it is not good," + When grass became his only food supply; + Such weakness ought, of course, to be withstood, + But oh, it wrings the teardrop from my eye + To think of Polly putting on the kettle + To brew my daily dose of stinging-nettle! + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"DEAR BRUTUS." + +There are great ways of borrowing, as EMERSON said, and in his new +Fantasy Sir JAMES BARRIE has given us a very charming variation on +_A Midsummer Night's Dream_ (with echoes of _Peter Pan_ and _The +Admirable Crichton_). Certainly I got far more fun out of his deluded +lovers in the Magic Wood than I ever extracted from the comedy of +errors which occurred between the ladies and gentlemen of the Court +of _Theseus_. + +In _Dear Brutus_ the contrast between real life and the life of +Magicland is sharply accentuated by the fact that there is not a +separate set of characters for each; the same men and women figure in +both, making abrupt transitions from one to the other and back again. +We have a house party of actual humans (not too obtrusively actual), +most of whom, including the butler, imagine that if they could have a +Second Chance in life they would not make such a mess of it as they +did with the First. One of them thinks he would never have taken to +drink and lost his self-respect and his wife's love if he had only had +a child; one that he would not have become a pilferer if he had stuck +to the City; others that they would have done better to have married +Somebody Else. Well, they are all whisked off into the Magic Wood, and +there they get their Second Chance. The pilferer becomes a successful +tradesman in a large and questionable way; the tippler finds himself +sober and attended by the daughter of his heart's desire; various +married folk get re-sorted; and so forth. + +The moral purpose (if any) of the author, as conveyed to us through +the mouth of the leading humourist of the party, is to show that a +man's nature would remain the same even if he got a Second Chance. +Unfortunately--but what can you expect in the realm of Magic?--the +scheme does not work out with any logical consistency. It is true +that the philanderer and the pilfering butler show little promise of +making anything out of their Second Chance; but, on the other hand, +the childless tippler seems to have gone reformation and recovered +his wife's regard; and if I rightly interpret certain delicate +indications, they propose to have a pearl of a daughter later on. Also +the dainty and supercilious _Lady Caroline_, who in the wood becomes +enamoured of the butler-turned-plutocrat (_cf. Titania_ and _Bottom_) +and subsequently returns to her sniffiness, cannot be said to have +lost much by failing to utilise her Second Chance. + +However, one might never have troubled about Sir JAMES'S logic if he +had not declared his moral purpose in set terms. I suppose he had to +explain his title, which was sufficiently obscure. It comes, as Mr. +SOTHERN kindly informed us, from the lines:-- + + "The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, + But in ourselves." + +_Brutus_, in fact, is the famous general to whom certain things were +caviare. He is the typical man in the audience, to whom Sir JAMES +says: "You, too, Brutus; I'm talking at you." + +[Illustration: IN AND OUT OF THE WOOD. + + _Mr. Purdie_ MR. SAM SOTHERN. + _Mr. Coade_ MR. NORMAN FORBES. + _Mr. Dearth_ MR. GERALD DU MAURIER.] + +Happily (for my taste, anyhow) the humour of the play dominates its +sentiment. And where the sentiment of the child _Margaret_ threatens +to overstrain itself we had always the healthy antidote of Mr. DU +MAURIER'S practical methods to correct its tendency to cloy. He was +extraordinarily good both as himself and, for a rare change, as +somebody quite different. Miss FAITH CELLI as his daughter--a sort of +_Peter Pan_ girl who does grow up, far too tall--was delightful in the +true BARRIE manner. It was a pity--but that was not her fault--that +she had to end her long and difficult scene on rather a false note. +I am almost certain that no child (outside a BARRIE play), who is +left alone in a Magic Wood, scared out of her life, would cry aloud, +"Daddy, daddy, I don't want to be a Might-have-been." The sentiment of +the words was, of course, part of the scheme, but it was not for her +to say them. + +Mr. NORMAN FORBES, in the Wood, was an elderly piping faun and +performed with astonishing agility a sword-dance over a stick crossed +with his whistle. Elsewhere as _Mr. Coade_ he played very engagingly +the part of the only character who had made such good use of his First +Chance that he really didn't need a Second. Both in name and nature he +brought to mind the late Mr. CHOATE, who gallantly declared that if he +had not been what he was he would have liked to be his wife's second +husband. And no wonder that _Mr. Coade_ wanted nothing better than to +remain attached to so adorable a creature as his wife, played with a +delightful homeliness by Miss MAUDE MILLETT, who has lost nothing of +that charm to which, with _Mr. Coade_, we retain the most faithful +devotion. + +Mr. WILL WEST was admirable as a _Crichton_ gone wrong; and Mr. +SOTHERN, as the philanderer _Purdie_, took all his Chances of humour, +and they were many, with the greatest aplomb. They included some very +pleasant satire on stage manners. I have only to mention the names +of Miss HILDA MOORE, Miss JESSIE BATEMAN, Miss DORIS LYTTON and Miss +LYDIA BILBROOKE for you to understand how excellent a cast it was, +both for wit and grace. + +Finally, Mr. ARTHUR HATHERTON, as _Lob_, the host of the party, a kind +of hoary old _Puck_ who had a _penchant_ for filling his house every +Midsummer Eve with people who wanted a Second Chance, interpreted Sir +JAMES'S whimsical fancy to the very top of freakishness. + +I hope, but doubtfully, that there are enough Dear Brutuses in London +(so many aliens have lately fled) to do justice to BARRIE at his best. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +LE MOT JUSTE. + + "Tea is very scarce and that to Irish folks, who like it black + and strong, with always 'one more for the pot,' is a source of + damentation."--_Liverpool Daily Post and Mercury_. + + * * * * * + + "Another Army Order provides that an officer while undergoing + instruction in flying shall receive continuous flying pay at + the rate of 4s. a day in addition from the public-houses of the + town."--_Provincial Paper_. + +Very generous of them; but what will the Board of Liquor Control say? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Vicar._ "AND WHAT WERE YOUR SENSATIONS WHEN YOU WERE +STRUCK?" + +_Wounded Tommy._ "WELL, IT WAS LIKE WHEN THE MISSIS COPS YEH BEHIND +THE EAR WITH A FLAT-IRON--_YOU KNOW_."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +I have often pitied the lot of the costume novelist, faced with the +increasing difficulty of providing fresh and unworn trappings for his +characters. Therefore with all the more warmth do I congratulate those +seasoned adventurers, AGNES and EGERTON CASTLE, on their acumen in +discovering such a setting as that of _Wolf-lure_ (CASSELL). The name +alone should be worth many editions. Nor do the contents in any sort +belie it. This remote country of Guyenne, a hundred years ago, with +its forests and caves and subterranean lakes, with, moreover, its +rival wolf-masters, Royal and Imperial, and its wild band of coiners, +is the very stage for any hazardous and romantic exploit. It should +be added at once that the authors have taken full advantage of these +possibilities. From the moment when the wandering English youth who +tells the tale wakes on the hillside to find himself contemplated +by a lovely maiden and a gigantic wolf-hound, the adventure dashes +from thrill to thrill unpausing. One protest however I must +utter. The conduct of the young and lovely heroine (as above) and +her single-minded devotion to her lover may be true to nature, +but somewhat alienated my own sympathies, already given to the +first-person-singular English lad who also adored her, and whom both +she and her chosen mate treated abominably. To my thinking, unrequited +devotion has no business in a tale of this sort. Realistic pathos may +have its _Dobbin_ or _Tom Pinch_, but the wild and whirling episodes +of tushery demand the satisfactory finish hallowed by custom. +With this reservation only I can call _Wolf-lure_ about the best +adventure-novel that the present season has produced. + + * * * * * + +Since the opening pages of _Calvary Alley_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) are +concerned with choir-boys and a cathedral and a rose-window, things to +which one gives, without sufficient reason, an association exclusively +of the Old World, I was a little startled, as the action proceeded, +by the mention of cops and dimes and trolly-cars. Of course this +only meant that I had forgotten, ungratefully, the country in which +any story by ALICE HEGAN RICE might be expected to be laid. Anyhow, +_Calvary Alley_ proves an admirable entertainment, a tale of a girl's +expanding fortunes, from the grim slum that gives its name to the +book, through many varied experiences of reform schools, a bottling +factory and membership of the ballet, up to the haven of matrimony. +Through them all, _Nance_, the heroine, carries a very human and +engaging personality, so that one is made to see the young woman +who is clasped to the heroic breast on the last page as the logical +development of the ragged urchin stamping her bare foot into the soft +cement of _Calvary Alley_ on the first. Moreover--wonder of wonders +for transatlantic fiction!--the author is able to write about +children, and the contrasted lives of rich and poor city dwellers, +without lapsing into sentimentality, _O si sic omnes!_ But either +American bishops are strangely different from the English variety, +or Mrs. RICE, following Mr. WELLS'S example, has permitted herself +an episcopal burlesque. In either case the resulting portrait is +hardly worthy of an otherwise admirably-drawn collection of original +characters. + + * * * * * + +_Christine_ (MACMILLAN) contains a very illuminating picture of +Germany in the months immediately preceding the War; but I am +perplexed--and a little provoked--by the way in which it is presented. +The book opens with a pathetic foreword, signed by Miss ALICE +CHOLMONDELEY, in which we read: "My daughter Christine, who wrote +me these letters, died at a hospital in Stuttgart on the morning +of August 8th, 1914, of acute double pneumonia.... I am publishing +the letters just as they came to me, leaving out nothing.... The +war killed Christine, just as surely as if she had been a soldier +in the trenches.... I never saw her again. I had a telegram saying +she was dead. I tried to go to Stuttgart, but was turned back at +the frontier." Then follows a Publishers' note to the effect that +some personal names have been altered. After this one is naturally +surprised to find the book advertised as a "new novel." All I can +say is that, if Miss CHOLMONDELEY'S preface is true, her book is not +a novel, and that, if it is untrue, I do not think the foreword is +fair or in good taste. My opinion, for what it is worth, is that Miss +CHOLMONDELEY was herself in Germany during the summer of 1914, and +has chosen this way of telling us what she saw and heard. Anyhow the +letters are undoubtedly the work of someone who knows Germany and the +inhabitants thereof. And for this excellent reason _Christine_ should +not be missed by anyone who wants to know in what a state of militant +anticipation the Germans were living. The strongest searchlight +has been thrown over the Hun, from the habitués of a middle-class +boarding-house to members of the Junker breed. Whether these letters +ought to be classed as fiction or not they contain facts, and as they +are written in a style at once vivid and engaging my advice to you is +to read them and not worry too much about the foreword. + + * * * * * + +_The Four Corners of the World_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is emphatically +what I should call a fireside book. On these chill Autumn evenings, +with the rain or the dead leaves or the shrapnel whirling by outside, +you could have few more agreeable companions than Mr. A.E.W. MASON, +when he is, as here, in communicative mood. He has a baker's dozen of +excellent tales to tell, most of them with a fine thrill, out of which +he gets the greatest possible effect, largely by the use of a crisp +and unemotional style that lets the sensational happenings go their +own way to the nerves of the reader. As an example of how to make the +most of a good theme, I commend to you the story pleasantly, if not +very originally, named "The House of Terror." Before now I have been +ensnared to disappointment by precisely this title. But Mr. MASON'S +House holds no deception; it genuinely does terrify; and when at the +climax of its history the two persons concerned see the door swing +slowly inwards, and "the white fog billowed into the room," while +"Glyn felt the hair stir and move upon his scalp," I doubt not that +you will almost certainly partake of some measure of his emotion. +Naturally, in a mixed bag such as this, one can't complain if the +quality of the contents varies. Not all the tales reach the level of +"The House of Terror"; but in every one there is enough artistry to +occupy any spare half-hour you may have for such purposes, without +letting you feel afterwards that it was wasted. And as a hospital +present the collection could hardly be beaten. + + * * * * * + +Miss MARJORIE BOWEN'S historical romances usually have the merit of +swift movement, and that is precisely the quality I miss in _The Third +Estate_ (METHUEN). It does not march--at least not quick enough. +You will not need to be told that Miss BOWEN has saturated herself +conscientiously in her period--an intensely interesting period +too--and has contrived her atmosphere most competently and plausibly. +But for all that I couldn't make myself greatly interested in the bold +bad Marquis DE SARCEY in those anxious two years before "the Terror," +with his insufferable pride, his incredible elegance, his fantastic +ideas of love and his idiotic marriage, the negotiations for which, +with the resulting complications, take up so large a space in a +lengthy book. It gives one the impression of being written not +"according to plan" but out of a random fancy, with so hurried a pen +that not merely have irrelevant incidents, absurdities of diction, and +indubitable _longueurs_ escaped excision, but such lapses from the +King's fair English as "save you and I" and "I shoot with my own hand +he who refuses." Even a popular author--indeed, especially a popular +author--owes us more consideration than that. + + * * * * * + +_The Fortunes of Richard Mahony_ (HEINEMANN) is one of those pleasant +books in which the hero prospers. True, the process as here shown +is very gradual; so much so that the four hundred odd pages of the +present volume only take us as far as "End of Book One." Clearly, +therefore, Mr. H.H. RICHARDSON has more to follow; and, as one should +call no hero fortunate till his author has ceased writing, it is as +yet too early for a final pronouncement upon _Richard Mahony_. My own +honest impression at this stage would be that he is in some danger of +outgrowing his strength. This pathological phrase comes the more aptly +since _Richard's_ fortune, though begun in the goldfields, was not +derived from digging, but from the practice of medicine, and from a +lucky speculation in mining stock (I liked especially the description +of the day when the shares sold at fifty-three, and _Richard_ "went +about feeling a little more than human"). The end of the whole matter, +at least the end for the present, is that, with his wife, and what he +can get together from the remains of the mining _coup_, and the sale +of a somewhat damaged practice, _Richard_ sets forth for England. +Obviously more turns of fortune are in store there for him and _Mary_ +and that queer character, his one-time inseparable, _Purdy_. That I +anticipate their future with much interest is a genuine tribute to +the humanity in which Mr. RICHARDSON has clothed his cast. _Richard +Mahony_, in short, is a real man, whose fortunes take a genuine hold +upon one's attention; though I repeat that I could wish his author had +told them less wordily, and--in one glaring instance--with a greater +respect for the decencies of medical reticence. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: USING PETROL FOR PLEASURE. + +JOY-RIDERS CAUGHT RED-HANDED.] + + * * * * * + +LONG-DISTANCE MEDICAL TREATMENT. + + "A telephone massage was received last night by the Scotland + Yard authorities."--_Bristol Times and Mirror_. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 11076 *** |