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diff --git a/old/10964.txt b/old/10964.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..10b7aa8 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10964.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1827 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, +Jan. 1, 1919, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, Jan. 1, 1919 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 6, 2004 [eBook #10964] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 156, JAN. 1, 1919*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown, and the Project Gutenberg +Online distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 10964-h.htm or 10964-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/0/9/6/10964/10964-h/10964-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/0/9/6/10964/10964-h.zip) + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 156. + +JANUARY 1, 1919. + + + + + + + +TO AN UNKNOWN COLLEAGUE. + +_(Inspired by the exchange of Minutes in Government Departments.)_ + + He was my friend--if friendship's proof + Be sympathy profound and sweet; + Eight months we toiled beneath one roof, + Yet somehow never chanced to meet. + + So near and yet so far! I own + We may have passed upon the stair; + Yet, if we did, we passed unknown; + No tremor told me he was there. + + He knew not it was I. Alas! + With such community of souls + That he and I should blindly pass + And live as sundered as the poles! + + For I, when darkness sealed my eyes, + Would place my judgment in his hands, + Would ask him humbly to advise + And yield myself to his commands; + + Just hinting what my view might be + (If asked) on this or that affair, + But never in undue degree + And with a deprecating air. + + And he, thus modestly addressed, + Would wield an amicable pen + And say he thought my view was best + In full nine cases out of ten. + + And so in deep harmonious flood + Our friendship flowed, and proved, I think, + Though water be less dense than blood, + Yet blood is far less dense than ink. + * * * * * + And now, when things are somewhat slow, + My leisure moments I beguile + By reading o'er with heart aglow + A certain old and dusty file-- + + One out of hundreds, kept to prove + A truth the world may oft forget, + That there can live pure trust and love + 'Twixt persons who have never met. + + Oh, sweet the trill of mating larks! + But sweeter, sweeter, I aver, + That soft appeal--"For your remarks," + That gentle answer--"We concur." + + * * * * * + +CHARIVARIA. + +A Fellow of the Royal Society states that, as a result of radium +activity, the end of the world, which had been estimated to arrive in a +few thousand years, may be postponed for a million aeons. It is hoped +that this will allay the anxiety of those soldiers who were nervous +about their chances of being demobilized. + + *** + +It is reported that when asked his impression of President WILSON Mr. +BALFOUR remarked, "Gee! He's the top shout and the main squeeze. And +then some." + + *** + +"How much water," asks a technical journal, "does it take to make a +gallon of Government ale?" We do not profess to be expert, but we should +say about a gallon. + + *** + +There is no truth in the rumour that TROTSKY has written to President +WILSON offering to execute the Peace Conference at any time within the +next three months at half the usual rates. + + *** + +A case which has been puzzling the medical authorities is reported from +Warwickshire. After acting strangely for several days a boy named TOMMY +SMITH asked his parents if he could have rice pudding instead. + + *** + +"Great Britain," says an essayist, "has come out of the war with flying +colours." No blame, we understand, attaches to Mr. PHILIP SNOWDEN for +this. + + *** + +A large marrow has been washed ashore at Lowestoft bearing a name and +address and the words, "Please write." It is not known why the marrow +left home. + + *** + +A report comes from Berlin that Dr. SOLF has resigned. It is expected +that he will be succeeded by Dr. SOLF. + + *** + +The greengrocer who deliberately attempted to spoil President WILSON'S +welcome by exhibiting American apples for sale on Boxing Day is +suspected of being a naturalised German. + + *** + +A North of England widower would like to meet lady possessing in her own +right a bottle of whisky. Object, matrimony. + + *** + +The largely increased number of unemployed politicians is causing the +country great concern. + + *** + +Heavy falls of snow have occurred in the Midlands, where the people say +they have not had such a winter since last summer. + + *** + +Described as the tallest soldier in Ireland, MICHAEL GRADY, of County +Mayo, who is seven feet two inches in height, hopes to settle down on a +farm. It is expected that he will shortly be measured for a village. + + *** + +"To improve the appetite," says a Health Culture journal, "one should +salute the morn by throwing open the windows, lay on the bedroom floor +with the feet in the air and breathe deeply." This method of saluting is +not recommended to recruits. + + *** + +The latest Sunday newspaper reminds us that it prints all the news. +It must do better than this if it is to keep pace with some of our +contemporaries. + + *** + +Charged at Carmarthen with bigamy a soldier said he had no recollection +of his second marriage. Once again we feel compelled to point out the +advantage of keeping a diary. + + *** + +It appears that one burglar has claimed his discharge from the Army +on the ground that he is a pivotal man and that several policemen are +waiting for him. + + *** + +It is wrong to suppose, says the Coal Control Department, that +anthracite is injurious to health. The little ones all declare that its +flavour compares favourably with that of Brazil nuts. + + *** + +Three cases of mince-pie shock are reported from the Westbourne Grove +district. + + *** + +A woman has been fined ten shillings at Birmingham for putting cold tea +in bottles and selling it as whisky. One of the purchasers, it appears, +had his suspicions aroused by the peculiar taste of the liquid. + + *** + +The KAISER'S health, says a contemporary, is still a cause of anxiety. + +Not to us. + + *** + +"SHOOTINGS WANTED. + + "Woman (middle-aged, respectable) would give services for home and + small wage." + + _Scottish Paper_ + +She would probably be quite effective at ordinary ranges. + + *** + + "Would the Party who removed Petticoat from the Railway Fence, + between 11th and 12th, kindly return same and save further + exposure."--_Provincial Paper._ + +In the interests of propriety we trust this appeal has been responded +to. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER HISTORIC INTERVIEW. + +BY OUR SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT. + +_Incited to great efforts by the interview in "The Times" with President +WILSON, wherein so much is said (by the interviewer), Mr. Punch sent +forth one of his most energetic and Napoleonic young men to attempt +a similarly incredible feat and obtain an interview with that most +unapproachable of men--President not excluded--the Editor of "The +Times." The word "failure" being absent from the Bouverie Street +lexicon, it follows that the impossible was achieved, and the +electrifying result is printed below. In the wish that readers in vaster +numbers than usual may peruse the winged words of the illustrious +journalist, Mr. Punch offers the freedom of the article to all editors +the world over._ + +The office of _The Times_ is situated in a busy quarter of the great +city of London and is built of brick and stone. Light enters the +numerous rooms through windows made of glass. Outside is the roar of +traffic; inside, the presses groan, not always without reason. + +My appointment with the august and retiring controller of the great +English journal--the Jupiter who directs its thunderbolts, determines +the size of type appropriate to every correspondent, and latterly has +added to the gaiety of nations by offering a tilting-space to the +ATTORNEY-GENERAL and Mr. GIBSON BOWLES--my appointment being at three +o'clock I was careful to reach the office a few minutes before that +hour, because I like to have time to look around and collect those +little details of environment and atmosphere which are so valuable in +themselves as to make it almost immaterial whether the person I am to +interview speaks at all. + +Entering the offices, which can be described only as palatial, I was +struck by the thoughtfulness--no doubt appertaining to the head of the +establishment who was so soon, for the first time in history, to grant +me an audience--which had provided a parallelogram of some fibrous +material for the purpose of removing the mud from one's boots. A minute +later I was again delighted by the discovery of an ingenious contrivance +in the shape of a kind of peg or hook on which a hat and coat could +be placed. It is by just such minutiae as these that one place is +distinguished from another and character indicated. + +Punctually to the minute I was shown into the Editor's room, where again +I was struck by the imaginative adequacy of the surroundings. Before +coming to the man himself let me say something of these. The floor was +not bare or even sprinkled with sawdust, as it might easily have been, +but it was covered by a comfortable carpet, probably from Axminster. +Comfort was indeed the note. The desk was neither pitch pine nor teak, +but mahogany. Upon it were scattered papers--lightly scattered, although +no doubt each was of the most momentous, even tragical import, some +bearing the signatures of the most eminent publicists in the land. Yet, +such is the domination of this man, they lay there like circulars or +election addresses. In the ink-pot was ink. A date rack was proof that +the Editor is not superior to the artificial divisions of time. + +As I entered, his back was towards me, but none the less I was conscious +of power, distinction, a man apart. I have seen many backs, but none +more notable than this. Turning he revealed to the full the wonder and +mystery of his famous frown--the frown of Jupiter Tonans. Much has been +said of this frown, but since no analysis has yet appeared in print I +must be permitted to offer one. To begin with, the frown is not only on +his face, but (one instinctively knows) all over him. It suffuses him. +Could one see, for instance, his knee, one is sure that it would be +frowning too. + +The effect was terrifying, but I stood my ground. As for the face, +where the frown concentrates, it is most curiously divided. Below the +masterful nose the frown may be said to be merely threatening; above the +firm upper lip it assumes a quality of such dourness as to resemble a +scowl. The forehead is corrugated. The ears twitch, especially the left. +The eyes emit sparks. + +Hitherto he had not spoken; but now he began to unburden himself of +those opinions, hopes, fancies and idealistic meditations for which I +had come so far to see him. In order that there shall be no ambiguity I +have arranged for them to be set up in larger type than the rest of the +article. After all, any type will suit my own poor setting, but the +jewels, the jewels must be seen. + +"Be seated, pray," he said. "The world," he added after a long silence, +"is in an unusual state. The Versailles Conferences may effect great +changes." + +"Everyone hopes," he remarked after another pause, "that the weather +will improve; recently it has been far from invigorating." + +I give his exact words with scrupulous minuteness. + +"A permanent peace," he continued, "based upon equity, cannot but be +desired. The Election results," he added as an afterthought, "are +interesting." + +Asked what he thought of the PRIME MINISTER, he pondered deeply for a +while and then replied, in carefully measured tones, "I think him an +exceptional man." + +Pressed as to the League of Nations, he considered the matter for some +minutes and then said, "It is a fine notion. We might all be the happier +if it came." + +My time being now up he bowed me to the door and the interview was over. +The knob was of brass and had been, recently polished. + +His last words were, "Mind the step." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RECONSTRUCTION; A NEW YEAR'S TASK.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bore_. "I HAVE BEEN MAKING A VERY INTERESTING +CALCULATION. NOW, JUST HAVE A GUESS. IF ALL THE WOUND-STRIPES WERE +PLACED END TO END HOW FAR DO YOU THINK THEY WOULD REACH?" + +_Weary Wounded._ "DUNNO, GUV'NOR. STEP IT OUT AND SHOW US."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer (to whom private has given three ardent +love-letters, addressed to different persons, to censor)._ "WELL, WHAT +ARE YOU WAITING FOR?" _Private._ "'SCUSE ME, SIR, BUT I JUST WANTED TO +SEE YOU DIDN'T MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT THE ENVELOPES."] + + * * * * * + +THE ANTI-PICADORS. + +A conference of subscribers and contributors to the correspondence +columns of _The Times_ was held at Caxton Hall on Saturday last, to +discuss the situation created in the issue of December 21st by the +printing of the interview with President WILSON in larger type than +had ever been used previously in the body of the paper. Amongst those +present were "Scrutator," "Bis Dat Qui Cito Dat," "Judex," "Vindex," +"Palmam Qui Meruit Ferat," "Rusticus Expectans," "Old Etonian," "Anxious +Parent," "Anti-Jacobin," "Puzzled," "Octogenarian," "Quousque Tandem," +and "The Thin End of the Wedge." + +The Chair was taken by a "Subscriber of Fifty Years' Standing," who +prefaced his remarks by observing that neither he nor any of those +present was animated by the faintest antagonism to President WILSON. +Their gratitude to him for his services in the War was so great that, +in the abstract, they could have no objection to his being accorded the +distinction of the largest possible type, so long as proper distinction +was made typographically between the remarks of the PRESIDENT and the +comments of the interviewer--as for example that Mr. WILSON's bedroom +is "strictly First Empire," or that "there seems to be some kind of +competition between the upper and the lower halves of his features," +or that his "grey lounge suit" was "well cut into his body." But there +ought to be some harmony between the size of the type and the importance +of the views expressed. He had himself contributed many letters to _The +Times_ on subjects of the greatest urgency, but had never attained +the dignity even of long primer. (Sensation.) He thought that in the +circumstances they were entitled to address a modest protest to the +Editor, to the effect that the use of "pica" should be reserved for the +rarest occasions and not be allowed to prejudice the claims of those who +were entitled to exercise the indefeasible privilege of "writing to _The +Times_." (Cheers.) + +"Scrutator," who followed, disclaimed any personal grievance. His +letters had always appeared in large type and on the best pages. But +he drew the line at "pica"; it looked too like an advertisement and +destroyed the balance of the page. In old days an editor controlled the +"make-up" of his paper. Now he was at the mercy of his "maker-up." + +"Judex," speaking from the body of the hall, said that he had heard +the interview in question spoken of as a "splendid scoop." He was not +certain what the phrase meant, but he did not like the sound of it, and +dreaded the prospect of President WILSON being made the subject of a +typographical competition between our daily papers. While the paper +shortage lasted this might lead to very serious results in the way of +restricting the space available for the ventilation of the views of +those present. + +An "Anxious Parent" pointed out that the use of "pica" was unfortunate, +as it irresistibly suggested "picador," one who participated in a cruel +sport, whereas President WILSON was a most humane and compassionate man +and had never assisted at a bull-fight. + +After several other speeches it was ultimately resolved to form an +association, to be known as the "Anti-Picador League," and a small +committee was appointed to draw up an appeal to the principal Editors to +abstain as far as possible from typographical Jumbomania. + + * * * * * + +BOY (SECOND CLASS). + + BOY (Second Class) John Simpkins, a bad 'un, you must know, + Was told to swab a plank one day by a First-Class C.P.O., + Whose eagle eye, returning, on the deck espied a stain-- + "Boy Simpkins, fetch your mop, me lad, and swab yon plank again." + Boy Simpkins (Second Class, too!) made as though he wouldn't go, + And distinctly muttered "Blast you!" to that First-Class C.P.O. + + The splendid Petty Officer fell flat upon the deck; + They bore him to the Sick Bay just a weak and worthless wreck; + But an A.B. who was standing by had caught the wicked word + And told the Duty Officer exactly what occurred:-- + "Boy Simpkins (Second Class, too!), which I think yer oughter know, Sir, + 'Ad the lip ter mutter 'Blast you!' ter the Fust-Class C.P.O., Sir." + + There is silence in the foc's'le, on the quarter-deck dismay, + And the lower deck is humming in a most unusual way; + The working-party pauses as it cleans a six-inch gun, + And tho Officer on Duty whispers hoarse to "Number One":-- + "Boy Simpkins (Second Class, too!), I suppose you ought to know, Sir, + Had the cheek to mutter 'Blast you!' to a First-Class C.P.O., Sir." + + Number One, his face is ashen and his knees knock as he runs + (A curious phenomenon quite rare in Number Ones); + But on he rushed until he saw the tall brass-hatted Bloke, + And, nervously saluting, incoherently he spoke:-- + "Boy Simpkins (Second Class, too!), I'm afraid that you must know, Sir, + Had the nerve to mutter 'Blast you!' to a First-Class C.P.O., Sir." + + The Bloke turned blue and shivered, then hysterically laughed, + And hurried, cackling shrilly, to the Owner's cabin aft; + There in that awful presence, with lips aghast and pale, + To the horror-haunted Owner he re-told the horrid tale:-- + "Boy Simpkins (Second Class, too!), I regret to let you know, Sir, + Had the face to mutter 'Blast you!' to a First-Class C.P.O., Sir!" + + You could almost hear the silence when the flags began to flap + And the Captain made the signal that destroyed the Admiral's nap; + And though I wasn't there myself beside the great man's bed + You all can guess as well as I just what the Owner said:--"SUBMITTED. + Boy Simpkins (Second Class, too!), it is thought you ought to know, Sir, + Has dared to mutter 'Blast you!' to a First-Class C.P.O., Sir!" + + The Press Bureau won't let me mention how the Admiral went + And told Sir ERIC GEDDES, who informed the Government; + How the Cabinet, when summoned, found him far too bad to kill, + So packed him off to Weiringen to valet LITTLE WILL. + Boy Simpkins (Second Class, too!) down to history will go + As the first and last who dared say "Blast" to a First-Class C.P.O. + + * * * * * + +NOVEL RECONSTRUCTION. + +Simmons is a writer of fiction and was a friend of mine. + +I used to play billiards with Simmons, to talk to Simmons, but not to +read Simmons. + +There are limits to friendship. + +I met him the other day in a very depressed state. + +"Look at these munition workers," he said. "See what the Government is +doing for them. Paying them wages all the time that they're out of work. +What about me?" + +"Well, you weren't on munitions." + +"I have been on intellectual munitions," replied Simmons. "And now all +my editors write to me, 'Get away from the War.' I have to transfer my +machinery to peace work. I have to turn away from the production of the +German spy. Think of it. I have almost lived on him for years. I have +created hundreds of him during the War. All my laboriously acquired +knowledge of German terms--like '_Schweinhund_,' you know--goes for +nothing. I shall have to make all my villains Bolsheviks. That will +require close study of Russia. All my old Russian knowledge goes for +nothing. They have abolished the knout and exile to Siberia. I have to +start afresh. + +"Then look at my heroes. I have mastered the second lieutenant. My +typewriter almost automatically writes 'old top,' 'old soul,' 'old +bean,' 'old egg.' All my study of this type is thrown away. And +heroines--why, I shall have to study dress again. The hospital nurse is +done for; the buxom proportions of the land-girl avail me no more. +My dear fellow, it will be six months before I can deal with women's +costume competently. + +"And plots. How the War simplified everything. The Zep, a failure in +fact, was a splendid success in fiction. The awkward people could be +wiped out so simply. Then one's villains could die gallantly--a bit of +good in the worst of men, you know--whispering a hurried confession in +the ears of the Company Sergeant-Major in the front trenches. + +"Then, again, all misunderstandings were explained when the V.C. looked +up from his hospital bed. 'Eric,' she gushed, 'you here!' And from that +moment he needed no more medicine. My dear fellow, we shall want new +plots now; real plots and new characters. It will be a long time before +I can return to my pre-war standard of strong, silent, masterful +millionaires from the backwoods. Haven't I a right to seek compensation +from the Government for checking my intellectual output?" + +"I think the Government ought to pay you ten pounds for every week in +which you don't write," I said. + +Simmons shook me warmly by the hand. + +The next day he cut me dead. I believe that Simmons, though an author of +popular fiction, must have been thinking. + + * * * * * + +"THE FUTURE OF LYING. + +"INTERNATIONAL CONFERENCE TO BE CALLED." + +_Northampton Dally Echo._ + +We should have thought it might quite safely be left to private +enterprise. + + * * * * * + + "The American troops on this side are already either in the States + or on their way."--_Letter in "Daily Express."_ + +The Germans will take this as convincing evidence of American duplicity. + + * * * * * + +THE HISTORY OF A JOKE. + +[Illustration: BEFORE THE DAWN OF HISTORY IT WAS A UNIVERSAL FAVORITE.] + +[Illustration: THE EGYPTIANS LOVED IT.] + +[Illustration: THE ASSYRIANS NEVER GREW TIRED OF IT.] + +[Illustration: THE GREEKS GRINNED AT IT.] + +[Illustration: THE ROMANS REVELLED IN IT.] + +[Illustration: HENGIST OFTEN TOLD IT TO HORSA.] + +[Illustration: IT WAS RELISHED BY THE SAXONS.] + +[Illustration: THE NORMANS KNEW IT WELL.] + +[Illustration: IT NEVER LOST ITS FRESHNESS THROUGH THE MIDDLE AGES.] + +[Illustration: HENRY VIII. MADE HIS REPUTATION BY IT.] + +[Illustration: CHARLES II. REGALED HIS COURT WITH IT.] + +[Illustration: IN THE GEORGIAN ERA IT REMAINED UNDIMMED.] + +[Illustration: IT WAS POPULAR IN THE SIXTIES.] + +[Illustration: AND ONLY LAST WEEK IT WAS THE HIT OF ALL THE NEWEST +REVUES.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW DEMOCRACY. + +_Telegraph Girl (at last finding addressee after marching down the +room, shouting, "Bullock! Bullock! Anybody here name o' +Bullock?"--contemplatively, as she awaits answer)._ "UMPH! NOT MUCH LIKE +A BULLOCK, ARE YER?"] + + * * * * * + +IN MEMORY OF DORA. + +(_A JOYOUS ANTICIPATION_.) + + Walk very softly here and very slowly; + Let no sound pass the barrier of your teeth; + Not that the spot whereon you tread is holy, + But lest you rouse her up that lies beneath. + + She ruthlessly curtailed our golf and skittles; + She vetoed daily sprees and nightly jinks; + She doled our baccy and weighed out our victuals, + And watered (cruellest of all) our drinks. + + Anathema (by order) were our races; + Joy-riding was taboo in car or train; + And when they ventured to kick o'er the traces + She strafed her victims till they roared again. + + Now where she sleeps the sleep that knows no waking + A simply graven sentence marks the place + (The Latin's shaky but bears no mistaking):-- + "_Hic jacet DORA and hic let her jace_." + + * * * * * + +AN UNHAPPY CHRISTMAS. + + "A number of persons have booked dooms for Yuletide."--_Scottish + Paper._ + + * * * * * + +THE BROTHER SERVICE. + + MR. PUNCH, DEAR SIR,--I am still with the Q.M.A.A.C.'s at what used + to be called the Front. But do not imagine I am cut off from news. + Papers from home pour in by every mail. I read articles written by + People Who Know, and speeches of politicians to female electors, and + that is how I have learned that it is we Women of England who have + won the War. + + Yet out here one cannot help noticing that the War was not waged + entirely by the lovelier sex. And so I am writing to ask you to say + a word or two about the work of the Brother Service, the less + conspicuous branches of our army, the men who hauled big guns about, + who stood in trenches, who looked after ammunition, or who killed + mules to provide us with pressed beef. Little bits of the great + machinery--hangers-on of the great Women's Army Corps--yes, but + without the humble hairpin the whole coiffure falls to the ground. + + I have never been a pessimist or a scaremonger, but _without some of + these men I don't believe we women would have won the War at all!_ + + They ought to be encouraged, Mr. Punch. Could you not start a Muscle + Competition for the men who helped the women win the War? Something + like the Beauty Competitions for us other warriors? Why not offer + prizes to the Tommy with the biggest biceps, the Subaltern with the + thickest calf, and the Brigadier with the finest abdominal + development? + + One is so afraid that at the next European crisis the War Office, + having learned its history from picture papers, will simply mobilise + the women and forget all about the men. Those absurd machine guns + with their wobbly legs really need a man's touch. Besides, it would + be so jolly dull without them. + + No, the men really helped, and we ought not to forget it. + + I hope that in years to come, when little voices in the firelight + (that's a pretty touch--who says the Army has made us unfeminine?) + beseech me, "Tell us again how you won the War, Great-grandma," I + shall retain sufficient perspective to reply, "Granny didn't do it + all alone, darlings; there were a lot of men who helped too." + + Yours faithfully, + + ADMINISTRATOR Q.M.A.A.C. + + * * * * * + +From a description of our infantry's arrival in Cologne:-- + + "Then came more Fusiliers, the Lancashire Fusiliers and the Royal + Dublin Fusiliers, and after them battalions from all parts of the + British Isles.... It was wonderfully thrilling to go from one bridge + to the other, from skirl of pipes to the triumphant swing of 'John + Peel,' and then to the 'Maple Leaf For Ever.'" + + _Times._ + +And what did the Dublins play? "Erin on the Rhine"? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE 1919 MODEL. + +MR. PUNCH. "THEY'VE GIVEN YOU A FINE NEW MACHINE, MR. PREMIER, AND +YOU'VE GOT PLENTY OF SPIRIT; BUT LOOK OUT FOR BUMPS."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Enthusiastic Civilian_.--"WELL, HOW ARE YOU ENJOYING +YOURSELF, MATE?" _Mons Veteran_.--"MIDDLIN'." _Enthusiastic +Civilian_.--"OH, YOU'VE GOT TO GET USED TO IT. OF COURSE AT FIRST IT +SEEMS A BIT BRUTAL."] + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +LXXIX. + + My dear Charles,--Old Bowdler has been brooding again on that + idea of a brief for the defence in the forthcoming trial of the + ex-Kaiser. He rather fancies himself cross-examining with courtesy + but firmness some Generalissimo or other, or reducing to tears by an + eloquent speech a court packed with everybody who is anybody, and + in both cases having the eyes of Europe upon him and the ears of + America hanging on his next word. After all, barristers will be + barristers and, when they are, your ordinary man is no match for + 'em. It took another man of his own kind to knock the conceit out of + the idea. + + Lack of precedent was no difficulty to Bowdler's learned opponent. A + ready imagination made up. To hear him talk you would think he had + spent his life assisting at the trials of ex-Kaisers. He described + the whole affair as if it had already taken place. Thus:-- + + The culprit, he assumed, is on bail, though not, of course, on his + own recognizances. First, attention is called to the case by Counsel + for the Prosecution rising early in the sitting and asking his + Lordship if he might mention the case of WILLIAM HOHENZOLLERN, next + on his Lordship's list. + + "William who?" asks the Clerk of Assize. + + "WILLIAM HOHENZOLLERN," answers counsel: "H-O-H-E-N-Z-O-double + L-E-R-N." + + A titter is heard at the idea of a man going about with a name like + that. His Lordship, regarding it as a nuisance rather than a joke, + threatens to have the court cleared. A juryman in waiting in the + gallery seizes the opportunity to ask, if anyone is to be turned + out, might it be himself. + + Counsel goes on to mention the case. "A complicated case of false + pretences, my Lord----," he begins. But his solicitor plucks at his + gown and points out to him that he is confusing his briefs. Counsel + apologises to the Court and asks leave to refresh his memory. In a + passionate whisper to his solicitor he asks who is this Hohenzollern + man, anyway, and why the devil does he want to be mentioned before + his time? Enlightened, he explains to the Court that the accused + has got some money together for a dock defence and would like an + opportunity to instruct his counsel more fully. + + His Lordship refuses a postponement; Hohen-what's-his-name should + have thought of this before. His Lordship has every confidence in + counsel's ability to pick up the facts as the case proceeds. If + counsel's personal convenience is involved that is another matter. + But as for Zohenhollern--["Hohenzollern, my Lord"]--he cannot expect + particular treatment; and that will do, thank you. + + The ushers start calling out for him to surrender to his bail: + "Hohenzollern! Hhhohenzollern! Owen Zollern!" re-echoes throughout + the building. "Zollern--O-N!" is heard faintly in the far distance. + No one notices that a gentleman with a fierce moustache has already + made his dramatic entry and is trying to push his way into the + dock.... + + He is stood up with half-a-dozen other prisoners, so that one jury + may be sworn for the lot. It is desired that each prisoner should + be identified with his name as it is called. WILLIAM HOHENZOLLERN, + whichever he may be, is asked to bold up his hand. An old man in + corduroys, who wears a dirty handkerchief round his neck for collar + and cravat, and is charged with feloniously stealing, taking and + carrying away his forty-first pair of boots and is also a bit 'ard + of 'earing, insists that he is the man. As nothing will persuade + him that he is not, the Clerk of Assize leaves it to the warders to + decide which of the two is which. After all it is a small point. + + The case is called on and WILLIAM is left in sole possession of the + dock. This is his moment, thinks he. With set features he stands + forward and assumes the most important attitude possible. + + "Are you WILLIAM HOHENZOLLERN?" asks the Clerk of Assize. + + There is a pause. "I am," says he. + + Everyone turns to have a look at him. Feeling that he is thoroughly + impressing everyone WILLIAM fixes a commanding eye on the judge, + compelling, as he supposes, his utmost attention. + + "Let's adjourn for lunch," says the judge.... + + When at last the case gets to its hearing (so far as anything at + all can be heard over the small talk in front of the dock and the + shuffle of impatient feet behind it) a novel point arises. A witness + refers to the War. "What war?" asks his Lordship. Counsel thinks + he can explain, but WILLIAM isn't for letting him. "Will you keep + silence?" says the Judge to WILLIAM. "You must call evidence to + prove that there was a war," he says to counsel. + + WILLIAM faints upon realising that Armageddon, his masterpiece, was + such that judicial knowledge wasn't aware of it.... + + Witness after witness is called; barrister after barrister, in the + bar beneath the dock rail, goes to sleep. WILLIAM, after shaking off + the stupor caused by the awful disregard of his personality, begins + to murmur incoherently. The warder taps him on the shoulder. + WILLIAM, who has never even conceived of being tapped by anybody, + bursts out with an exclamation. The worst thing which has ever + happened to him in his life then happens. Bowdler, Bowdler of all + the un-imperial and un-godlike people in this world, turns to + WILLIAM to rebuke him in a stern whisper, telling him that he is + doing himself no good and concluding his remarks with "My man".... + + The trial proceeds, WILLIAM being speechless with rage. In his ears + is ringing a Hymn of Hate--hate of everybody in the court, but + particularly of Bowdler. Every time he can get his brain to work and + his tongue to work with it, he leans forward to breathe some drastic + utterance at his defending counsel. Bowdler remains detached. + WILLIAM (late Kaiser) has to realise as a cold fact that here is + a wretched mortal daring to sharpen a pencil while he is being + addressed by the ALL-HIGHEST. The ALL-HIGHEST reaches over the dock + rail to thump the wretched mortal's wretched head.... + + Bowdler rises deliberately. There is a hush. He is going to say + something important. WILLIAM feels that at last the world is sane + and duly attentive to him again. Bowdler submits that the state of + mind of the accused person (accused person!) should be inquired + into. + + The judge very readily acquiesces; anything to get rid of the + fellow. The prison doctor swears that he has never seen a lunatic if + this isn't one. An assertive juryman, who disapproves of business + being so rushed as not to permit of a hanging, expresses the view + aloud that it is all put on. Silence ensues upon the anomaly of a + juryman daring to express a view aloud; WILLIAM avails himself of + this silence for the same purpose. His view, which was evidently + intended to take some time in the expressing, starts off with + personal reminiscences of the intimate friendship and business + partnership between himself and the Almighty. The juryman at once + gives in and the verdict is found before WILLIAM has completed his + second sentence.... + + WILLIAM hears himself being ordered "to be detained during His + Majesty's pleasure." The warder, propelling him down below stairs to + the cells, makes it quite clear to WILLIAM that the Majesty referred + to is not his (WILLIAM'S).... + + Bowdler follows later to tell WILLIAM what a lucky fellow he is, and + also to take off him one pound, three shillings and sixpence.... + + Yours ever, HENRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Conducting Officer._ "IT'S NOT A BAD LITTLE BATTLEFIELD; +BUT I'M AFRAID IT'S AWFULLY UNTIDY."] + + * * * * * + +A "POCKET" BOROUGH. + + "Beyrout, the ancient Berytus, is 55 miles WNW from Damascus. + The port is strongly fortified, its walls being three inches in + circumference."--_East African Paper._ + + * * * * * + +THE EUPHEMISTIC MOSLEM. + +"DEATH OF TURKISH MINISTER. + + "A Constantinople message reports that the Turkish Minister of the + Interior has resigned." + + _Australian Paper._ + + * * * * * + +GUARANTEED. + +"You recognize, of course, that the situation is exceptional," said +Edith's mother. "You left New York on December 2, and arrived at Euston +on December 13. To-day, December 18, you ask me for my daughter's hand, +after a three days' acquaintance. Is this the usual American pace?" + +"That is hardly my fault," I said. "We ran into a nasty bit of weather +off Cape Race and lost twelve hours." + +"Still," she said, "under the circumstances you will admit that I have +the right to put a few questions. Edith is all I have. She has naturally +not told me everything, but I gather you have spoken to her a good deal +about yourself." + +"Not more than three or four hours at a sitting," I replied. + +"And you have never spoken to anyone else as you have to Edith?" + +"I have." + +"Oh," she said. + +"I wish it had been otherwise," I pleaded; "but life is very complex +nowadays on both sides of the Atlantic. Much that I have told Edith I +have also revealed to the passport clerk at Washington and the keeper +of birth records in New York. Something too I confided to the +assistant-book-keeper in the War Zone Bureau at the Custom-House in New +York, to the cashier of the French consulate at home, and to the gateman +of Cunard Pier 54, at the foot of West Fourteenth Street. I am sorry; I +wish Edith had been the first to whom I gave up the inner secrets of my +soul, but the fact is that to some extent she was anticipated by your +Military Control-Officer at Liverpool." + +"It might have been worse," she sighed. "You have nice manners and a +good face. At home I suppose you are quite popular?" + +"Up to the twenty-fifth of October I shouldn't have said so," I replied. +"But since then a great many people have taken to me. Not quite like +DORIS KEANE, you know, but still I have distributed in a little more +than a month no fewer than three dozen photographs of myself two and +a-half inches square. Your consul at New York took two, the French +Chamber of Commerce took three, and I am having some more ready for the +time when I go to make application for my emergency ration card, in case +your food department proves equally susceptible. I have been asked out +a great deal. The State Department at Washington made me come down for +several weekends and your Military Officer at home had me in on three +successive days." + +"Mr. Smith," she said, "you seem an honest man. Do you, in your heart, +believe yourself good enough for my Edith?" + +"Had you asked me that six weeks ago," I said, "I should have answered +'No.' Before I spoke to Edith, that very same question flashed up within +me. I saw the golden sheen of her hair in the moonlight--for you do +sometimes have moonlight here in London--and wondered whether I had the +right to speak. Of course I was not good enough for her, but still I +felt that I was not altogether unfit. I might justly ask for her in the +face of high Heaven, the Passport Bureau at Washington, the War Zone +Bureau at the Custom-House, the head clerk at the Cunard office, the +watchman at the pier, the official who changed my American money into +your own very confusing monetary system, the man at the head of the +gang-plank, the man at the foot of the gang-plank, the steward who +filled my alien's declaration, the steward who gave me my landing-card, +several battalions of control officers, and approximately half the +Allied diplomatic services. When I spoke to Edith I had all the +documents in my breast-pocket, and my heart glowed with justifiable +confidence beneath them. The dear girl never asked for my college +certificate and my luggage check, but I have them all here." + +"Perhaps it isn't necessary," she said. "You may have her, my dear boy." + +"Without even looking at my Czecho-Slovak _vise_ my club dues for 1918, +and my inoculation receipt for typhoid and paratyphoid A and B?" I +stammered. + +"You have a nice face," she said. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WOT'S OUR NOO M.P.'S BIZNESS?" + +"'E'S IN THE JOBMASTERING LINE I THINK. I 'EARD 'E ARST TO BE SENT BACK +TO 'ELP CLEAN OUT THE ORGEAN STABLES."] + + * * * * * + +OUR GREAT UNKNOWN. + +_First Official_. I say, who is the Head of the Thingumyjig +Ministry--the one at the Hotel Giorgione? + +_Second Official_. Haven't an idea. I thought it had been wound up. + +_First Official_. Well, I'm not so sure of that. There was an +announcement about it in the papers, and then an official _dementi_, and +then the Minister resigned, and now I hear he has been reappointed. + +_Second Official_. Then you evidently knew his name all along. Why on +earth did you ask me? + +_First Official_. You see, it's like this. I had a bet on with a man at +the Club that out of ten Government officials not more than one would +know the Minister's name. You didn't, and you happen to be the ninth who +didn't, so I've won my bet. By the way, do you know what has become of +the _chef_ at the Giorgione? + +_Second Official_. You mean old Savary, who was always gassing about his +descent from NAPOLEON'S General? I think he went back to Paris some time +ago. + +_First Official_. Thanks; then I win my second bet--that out of ten +Government officials five would know _his_ name. + + * * * * * + +UNNATURAL HISTORY. + +From a _feuilleton:_-- + + "She watched him catch the sticklebacks which were one day to turn + into frogs." + + _Church Family Newspaper_. + + * * * * * + + "The Crown Prince expressed hope he would one day be able to return + to Germany and live there as a sample citizen."--_Bath Herald_. + +We don't think quite so badly of the Germans as all that. + + * * * * * + + "To Property Owners and Hotel Proprietors.--Start Redecorating and + Repairs now, before the rush comes, and gives the boys returning a + chance for work."--_Provincial Paper_. + +Personally, we shall postpone our order until the boys do come home. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Artist_. "I CAN'T AFFORD TEN POUNDS. MY BANK TELLS ME +I'M OVERDRAWN NOW." + +_His Wife_. "SURELY YOU CAN GET IT AT ANOTHER BANK? THEY CAN'T ALL BE AS +HARD UP AS THAT."] + + * * * * * + +A CONSPIRACY IN THE POULTRY-YARD. + + DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I suppose it must be conceded that practical jokes + have not the vogue that they once enjoyed. No longer do you discover + some fine morning that the street in which you live is blockaded + with furniture vans, all endeavouring to deliver furniture you don't + require and never heard of before, while your staircase is a mass of + flowers and fruit constantly increasing upon you and threatening + to smother you with their amount no less than with their scent. It + would gradually appear that the deliveries both of the flowers and + the furniture were being executed in accordance with the orders of + one of your friends, and that you had to grin and bear it as best + you might. I cannot say that the victim or the general public, when + they heard of it, looked upon it with any excess of enthusiasm. + Anyhow, practical jokes have gone out. + + Yet there is a kind of practical joke which, so far as I know, has + never been played upon anybody, and which, if it wore played, + might provoke a considerable volume of laughter and no small + inconvenience. I have schemed it out and venture to submit the plan + to you. + + My idea is to take some weekly magazine which caters either for some + special trade or amusement or pursuit. Let us imagine it to be _The + Chicken Run_, with which is incorporated _The Fowls' Guardian_. I am + entitled to assume that most of Mr. Punch's readers are acquainted + with this bright and lively feathered journal. My plan is to get + together some bold spirits, to capture the editor and his staff, + and to hold them in a comfortable but rigorous imprisonment for one + week; to take possession of the editorial office, and then to set to + work to transform the contents of the paper. I foresee the amazement + of the faithful readers of _The Chicken Run_, on being informed, in + the column headed "Hints to Beginners," that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S pet + Leghorn cockerel has developed a surprising taste for latchkeys, and + recently swallowed two of them, while Mr. ASQUITH'S Buff Orpington + pullet has taken to following him about like a dog and roosting + on his bed-rail. Then there would be a breezy editorial article + designed to prove that poultry had come out of the war with a much + enhanced reputation, owing to the loyal part they had played in + assisting the FOOD-CONTROLLER. + + Further, there would be special articles proving, for instance, that + champagne is the one drink on which all breeds of chickens increase + and multiply their production of eggs, especially if hot caviare + is afterwards administered in large bowls. Then there would be the + first chapters of an enthralling serial whose plot revolved round + the love-story of Sir Robert Wyandotte and Lady Cecilia Buttercup--a + literary effort of unparalleled brilliancy due to the genius of a + new novelist who preferred to be known as the Red Rover of Rhode + Island. And so on and so on. If you think the scheme is feasible, + let me hear from you and I will begin to get my team of villains + together. + + Yours faithfully, + + THE GAME CHICK. + + * * * * * + + "Women and young persons now employed in these works enjoy a miximum + working week of fifty-five and a half hours."--_Sunday Paper_. + +And, we suppose, a manimum wage. + + * * * * * + + +AT THE PLAY. + +"THE BABES IN THE WOOD." + +When I saw a dull red glow in the early evening sky above the great open +flares that lit the portals of the Theatre Royal, I said to myself, +"This brings the Peace home to one!" But those who think that England +will never be the same after the War, that all things will become new +and better, have not reckoned with the Drury Lane Pantomime. Its tactics +may change, but its general strategy remains untouched by War or Peace. +Under any name--_Ali Baba_ or _Aladdin_, _Puss in Boots_ or _The Babes +in the Wood_--its savour is the same. If only a tenth part of the +enterprise that goes to the making of its great pageants were devoted to +the invention of a new subject, though it were only _The Babes in Boots_ +or _Puss in the Wood_! However, with Bolshevism in the air it is best +perhaps not to tamper with British institutions. + +Still, even within the limits imposed by immemorial tradition there +surely must be somebody in the United Kingdom who could make a better +book. It was pathetic that so capable a cast--Miss LILY LONG in +particular--should have such second-rate stuff to say and sing. Seldom +could one detect any attempt to evade the obvious. Of topical allusions, +apart from timeworn themes of coupons and profiteers, there was scarce +a sign, and such burlesque as there was had no sort of subtlety in it. +Take, for example, the opportunity lost in the imitation of a bedroom +scene from modern drama. It announced itself as something "West-Endy," +yet it was like nothing (I imagine) even in the remote Orient. And +constantly the poor play of _esprit_ had to be carried off by the +distracting thud of some falling body or covered by the deadening clash +of the eternal cymbals. + +It is significant, in this connection, that there never seems to be any +male character in these pantomimes that is not committed to buffoonery. +Apparently no reliance is placed on the unassisted humour of the +dialogue. A funny remark must be clinched with a somersault, a repartee +be driven home by a resounding smack on the face. You might have thought +that on such an occasion there would be room for the figure of some +gallant soldier of the masculine sex. Yet there wasn't a vestige of +khaki in the whole show, and the only patriotic song assigned to a man's +voice had to be delivered by the comic villain. + +However, the actors were too good to be defeated by the authors; and the +two couples--the _Babes_ (Mr. STANLEY LUPINO as _Horace_ and Mr. WILL +EVANS as _Flossie_) and the _Robbers_ (Messrs. EGBERT)--went far by +their personal drollery and unflagging spirits to make up for any defect +in the words. Each member of the two pairs played very loyally into the +other's hands. Mr. ALBERT EGBERT indeed played into his brother's feet +with equal devotion; and the good humour with which he accepted the +fiercest blows on face and person seemed to indicate an exceptionally +close fraternal understanding. + +[Illustration: THE AGE OF INNOCENCE _Horace_ ... Mr. STANLEY LUPINO. +_Flossie_ ... Mr. WILL EVANS.] + +Mr. HARRY CLAFF as the Wicked Uncle (with a note or two in the +operatic manner) belied his villainous nature by an unusually amiable +temperament; and Miss FLORENCE SMITHSON, with her dainty air, furnished +interludes of conventional song, during which we gave our ribs a rest. + +The dancing, as usual, was rather perfunctory, if one excepts a _pas de +deux_ which gave promise of a parody of the Russians and turned out to +be just a series of contortionist feats, brilliant but unlovely. + +As good wine needs no bush, so good babes need no wood; but Messrs. +McCLEERY and HUMPHRIES painted for them a quite nice one, where, after +some very pleasant business with a brace of giant mushrooms that went +up and down like a lift, the robins came and camouflaged the wanderers +under a counterpane of fallen leaves, where they behaved much better +than in ordinary beds. But the best scene was M. MARC HENRI's Temple of +Peace--very beautiful with its dim perspective, till the garish light of +"The Day" was turned on. Here the assertive colours of the Allies were +tempered to an exquisite pale harmony, only slightly damaged by a +nondescript contingent in pink (possibly neutrals) and the apparition of +Mr. ARTHUR COLLINS and other gentlemen in black, who came on to receive +the expression of our grateful approbation. + +I stayed long enough into the Harlequinade to see little Prince OLAF of +Norway, in QUEEN ALEXANDRA's box, capture a large cracker dexterously +flung to him by the Pantaloon. So ended for me an evening more jocund +than I have had the good grace to admit. + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +OUR CLASSICAL ADVERTISERS. + + "The trade-mark name of tins coat--'Aquascutum'--is a Latin word, + and translated into our own good English, 'Aqua,' means water. + 'Scutum' means to shed. There you are--Watershed." + + _Advt. in Canadian Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "They belileve that an not inconsiderable number of + dddeeeeeddlllllllcleeeeeece cw pavem ponnun _ex-parte_ opinions are + given for what they may be worth." + + _Manchester Paper._ + +For our part we belileve this estimate of the value of _ex-parte_ +opinions, of the kind indicated, to be sound, if rather scathing. + + * * * * * + + "In lieu of the February Sale and Spring Show, hitherto held in + April, an important sale of pure-bred bulls will be held in the + Show Grounds at Ballsbridge, on Thursday and Friday, 13th and 14th + March."--_Cork Examiner._ + +We trust the above specimen will be duly entered. + + * * * * * + + "After the act from _Masks and Faces_ came the letter-reading, the + murder and the sleepwalking scenes from _Macbeth_, with Miss Mary + Anderson and Mr. Lyn Harding. Tragic poetry of this intensity, of + course, knocks everything else endways."--_Times._ + +Or, as SHAKSPEARE himself is said to have exclaimed, as he penned the +last line of it, "That's the stuff to give 'em." + + * * * * * + + "There should also be mentioned the merchants' bank, Towarzystwo + Pozyczkowe Przemyslowcow Miasta Poznania." + + _Journal of the Royal Statistical Society._ + +We have tried to mention it, but failed miserably. + + * * * * * + + "The Major then spoke of battles in which he had taken part. He had + been wounded in the back leg and arm."--_Evening News._ + +Bit of a dog, this Major. + + * * * * * + + "PROMOTION.-Rifleman P.R. Shand to be Sergeant Cock."--_Ceylon + Paper._ + +We hope Sergeant Cock was consulted about this. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "IS THAT AN OFFICIAL LETTER YOU ARE WRITING, MISS BROWN?" + +"IT'S--SEMI-OFFICIAL, SIR." + +"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY SEMI-OFFICIAL?" + +"WELL, SIR--IT'S TO AN OFFICER."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_(BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS.)_ + +Not infrequently our novelists will follow success with a boy hero by a +sequel showing the same character grown up. Mr. E.F. BENSON, however, +has reversed this process, and in a second book about _David Blaize_ +introduces him grown not up, but down. So far down, indeed, as to be +able to pass through a door conveniently situated under his own pillow +and leading to a dreamland of the most varied enchantments. I know, of +course, what you are about to say; I can see your lips already forming +upon the word _Alice_. But while I admit that _David Blaize and the Blue +Door_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is frankly built after that famous plan +this means no more than that Mr. BENSON has used, so to speak, the +CARROLL formula as a medium for his agreeable fancies. These are +altogether original and filled with the proper dream-spirit of +inconsequence. Moreover the author has a pretty gift for remembering +just the stuff that childhood's dreams are made of--such transfigured +delights as swimming like fishes or flying in a company of birds; he +knows too the odd tags of speech that linger there from daytime, things +meaningless and full of meaning--"Rod-pole-or-perch," for example, or +that thrice-blessed word, "Popocatapetl." Best of all, he has resisted +the subtle temptation to be even momentarily too clever for his audience +(you know the devastating effect that may be produced if a grown-up +pauses on the edge of the circle and reminds the story-teller that he +has a reputation for wit). In fine, this early dream of _David's_ shows +him fortunate in having an old family friend like Mr. Benson to write it +down; also--what I must on no account forget--so sympathetic an artist +as Mr. H.J. FORD to make it into pictures. + + * * * * * + +Those who have learnt to value their "TAFFRAIL" will find matter very +much to their mind in his latest book, _A Little Ship_ (CHAMBERS). I +do not wish to institute any invidious comparisons between the marine +mixture as provided by "TAFFRAIL" and that of other nautical writers, +but this much I may say with perfect confidence: the men to be found in +"TAFFRAIL'S" stories are true human stuff, sturdy, dogged in doing their +duty, and brave almost beyond recklessness; but they are men all the +time, and not solemn and consecrated angels. That is, I suppose, why I +find that "TAFFRAIL'S" stories go straight to the mark and make their +effect with no undue waste of time; and, if a little bit of laughter is +occasionally worked in, so much the better. The last chapter in the book +gives an account of the Zeebrugge expedition. The story is so bravely +told that a man can hardly refrain from shouting in apprehension and +exultation as he reads it. + + * * * * * + +I have a grudge against the publishers of _Miss Mink's Soldier_ (HODDER +AND STOUGHTON) because they have printed on its wrapper, "By the Author +of _Mrs. Wiggs of the Cabbage Patch_," which led me, perhaps foolishly, +to hope that _Mrs. Wiggs_ and I were to foregather once more, and when +we didn't made me just a little surly towards a book of short tales +which, opened with any other expectation, would have seemed much above +the average. There are eight stories in the book, and in almost all of +them is found that blend of pathos and humour that Mrs. ALICE HEGAN RICE +has taught us to expect. I liked "Cupid Goes Slumming," because it was +almost _Cabbage Patch_; but "Hoodooed," the story of an old negro who +believed himself the victim of a spell which involved the presence of a +cricket in his leg, delighted me even more. His wife removes the charm +with a vacuum cleaner, in which she has previously secreted a cricket, +and the victim recovers. It pleased me very much to learn that among +"white folk's superstitions" is the theory that it is "bad luck to sleep +with the windows shet," and, when I come to think of it, I believe that +it is very bad luck indeed. + + * * * * * + +I should have liked GABRIELLE VALLINGS' _Tumult_ (HUTCHINSON) a good +deal better if she could have managed it without the aid of a Pan who +wandered, emitting a strong smell, chiefly in the demesne of a very +expensive and over-cultivated French noble. It was his daughter (by an +Australian wife) who was suffering from an inordinate perplexity as to +which half of her blood had the real call. The Australian half suggested +that she should marry a gentleman-rider who won the Grand Prix in a +canter, but fell at the winning-post because his horse shied at the +irrepressible Pan. The French half--and both her parents--urged a +dissolute and anaemic aristocrat--blue blood and a gold lining. Her +grandfather, a strong unsilent sheep-rancher, was against this inept +decadent and converted to his view that saintly worldling, the gorgeous +_Cardinal Camperioni_. A neo-futurist of the most bizarre type prances +through the pages upon his head, causing enough "tumult" to satisfy any +one. So why drag in Pan? Miss VALLINGS can tell a story, cannot keep +down the volume of her puppets' talk, has a sense of movement and +colour, and ought to win for herself a good circulating library +constituency. + + * * * * * + +For myself I have never yet lived in a sailing barge, and under the +providence of Heaven trust to continue in this immunity. There are +however those who regard the matter differently; and for their benefit I +have no hesitation in recommending most warmly _A Floating Home_ (CHATTO +AND WINDUS), written by CYRIL IONIDES and J.B. ATKINS, and illustrated +partly with photographs, partly with water-colour sketches by that +various craftsman, Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT. Let me say at once that you have +no need to be an amateur bargee, either by practice or desire, to enjoy +this most entertaining volume. Witness my own case, who read every +page of it with delight. It is a reasonable contention that a writer +possessing the enthusiasm, the humour and the persuasive gifts of Mr. +IONIDES, with a twelve-and-sixpenny book for their display, could +present a case that would give some theoretic and superficial charm to +the most uncomfortable conditions of existence. Not that _A Floating +Home_ is a work only of theory; on the contrary, nothing could be more +practical than its account of the purchase, conversion and enjoyment of +the _Ark Royal_. The most prejudiced--again I speak personally--will +find pleasure in the author's zestful story of how the dingy, +foul-smelling _Will Arding_, full of cement (and worse things), was +transformed into the spick-and-span _Ark Royal_, with a piano in the +saloon and Queen Anne silver on the breakfast-table; while for the +persuadable there are added plans, scales of expense and the like, +which bring the whole matter to a working basis. The book, in short, is +propaganda at its best (was it perhaps this that attracted Mr. BENNETT?) +and as such well entitled to its toll of converts. + + * * * * * + +_Warriors and Statesmen_ (MURRAY) is a book selected from the +"gleanings" of the late Lord BRASSEY. Such gleanings depend so largely +on the personality of the gleaner that they may be worth anything or +nothing; so let me say at once that Lord BRASSEY had too sound a taste +to be a collector of ill-considered trifles. Although warriors have the +place of honour in the title they are given but little space in the +book. Still, in these days the soldier can well afford to let the +statesman have the advantage in a collection that does not deal with the +living. This limitation may explain the absence of all mention of Lord +ROBERTS, who was probably still alive when the gleanings were completed. +Apart from the evidence it gives of a fine mind the book preserves much +that is worth remembering and presents it in a convenient form. For this +we have in part to thank Mr. HORACE HUTCHINSON, to whom Lord BRASSEY +entrusted the work of selecting these literary sheaves. + + * * * * * + +_From the Home Front_ (CONSTABLE) is a further, and rather belated, +selection from the War verses that have appeared from week to week on +the second page of _Punch_. Conscious of cherishing a natural prejudice +in favour of his own productions, Mr. Punch forbears to commend this +little volume, but he may permit himself to say that, in the judgment of +_The Daily News_, which is above suspicion of bias, it is calculated to +provoke "a sorrow chequered by disgust." + +[Illustration: _Topical Huckster_. "'ERE YOU ARE, LADY--AS CHEWED BY THE +PRESIDENT."] + + * * * * * + + "This royal throne of kings, + This sceptical isle, this seat of Mars." + + _Quotation by Miss MARIE CORELLI in "The Pall Mall Gazette."_ + +No man is a prophet in his own country, and this is how Shakespeare gets +treated at Stratford-on-Avon. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +156, JAN. 1, 1919*** + + +******* This file should be named 10964.txt or 10964.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/9/6/10964 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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