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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10964 ***
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 10964-h.htm or 10964-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/0/9/6/10964/10964-h/10964-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/0/9/6/10964/10964-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 156.
+
+JANUARY 1, 1919.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+TO AN UNKNOWN COLLEAGUE.
+
+_(Inspired by the exchange of Minutes in Government Departments.)_
+
+  He was my friend--if friendship's proof
+    Be sympathy profound and sweet;
+  Eight months we toiled beneath one roof,
+    Yet somehow never chanced to meet.
+
+  So near and yet so far! I own
+    We may have passed upon the stair;
+  Yet, if we did, we passed unknown;
+    No tremor told me he was there.
+
+  He knew not it was I. Alas!
+    With such community of souls
+  That he and I should blindly pass
+    And live as sundered as the poles!
+
+  For I, when darkness sealed my eyes,
+    Would place my judgment in his hands,
+  Would ask him humbly to advise
+    And yield myself to his commands;
+
+  Just hinting what my view might be
+    (If asked) on this or that affair,
+  But never in undue degree
+    And with a deprecating air.
+
+  And he, thus modestly addressed,
+    Would wield an amicable pen
+  And say he thought my view was best
+    In full nine cases out of ten.
+
+  And so in deep harmonious flood
+    Our friendship flowed, and proved, I think,
+  Though water be less dense than blood,
+    Yet blood is far less dense than ink.
+         *       *       *       *       *
+  And now, when things are somewhat slow,
+    My leisure moments I beguile
+  By reading o'er with heart aglow
+    A certain old and dusty file--
+
+  One out of hundreds, kept to prove
+    A truth the world may oft forget,
+  That there can live pure trust and love
+    'Twixt persons who have never met.
+
+  Oh, sweet the trill of mating larks!
+    But sweeter, sweeter, I aver,
+  That soft appeal--"For your remarks,"
+    That gentle answer--"We concur."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+A Fellow of the Royal Society states that, as a result of radium
+activity, the end of the world, which had been estimated to arrive in a
+few thousand years, may be postponed for a million aeons. It is hoped
+that this will allay the anxiety of those soldiers who were nervous
+about their chances of being demobilized.
+
+       ***
+
+It is reported that when asked his impression of President WILSON Mr.
+BALFOUR remarked, "Gee! He's the top shout and the main squeeze. And
+then some."
+
+       ***
+
+"How much water," asks a technical journal, "does it take to make a
+gallon of Government ale?" We do not profess to be expert, but we should
+say about a gallon.
+
+       ***
+
+There is no truth in the rumour that TROTSKY has written to President
+WILSON offering to execute the Peace Conference at any time within the
+next three months at half the usual rates.
+
+       ***
+
+A case which has been puzzling the medical authorities is reported from
+Warwickshire. After acting strangely for several days a boy named TOMMY
+SMITH asked his parents if he could have rice pudding instead.
+
+       ***
+
+"Great Britain," says an essayist, "has come out of the war with flying
+colours." No blame, we understand, attaches to Mr. PHILIP SNOWDEN for
+this.
+
+       ***
+
+A large marrow has been washed ashore at Lowestoft bearing a name and
+address and the words, "Please write." It is not known why the marrow
+left home.
+
+       ***
+
+A report comes from Berlin that Dr. SOLF has resigned. It is expected
+that he will be succeeded by Dr. SOLF.
+
+       ***
+
+The greengrocer who deliberately attempted to spoil President WILSON'S
+welcome by exhibiting American apples for sale on Boxing Day is
+suspected of being a naturalised German.
+
+       ***
+
+A North of England widower would like to meet lady possessing in her own
+right a bottle of whisky. Object, matrimony.
+
+       ***
+
+The largely increased number of unemployed politicians is causing the
+country great concern.
+
+       ***
+
+Heavy falls of snow have occurred in the Midlands, where the people say
+they have not had such a winter since last summer.
+
+       ***
+
+Described as the tallest soldier in Ireland, MICHAEL GRADY, of County
+Mayo, who is seven feet two inches in height, hopes to settle down on a
+farm. It is expected that he will shortly be measured for a village.
+
+       ***
+
+"To improve the appetite," says a Health Culture journal, "one should
+salute the morn by throwing open the windows, lay on the bedroom floor
+with the feet in the air and breathe deeply." This method of saluting is
+not recommended to recruits.
+
+       ***
+
+The latest Sunday newspaper reminds us that it prints all the news.
+It must do better than this if it is to keep pace with some of our
+contemporaries.
+
+       ***
+
+Charged at Carmarthen with bigamy a soldier said he had no recollection
+of his second marriage. Once again we feel compelled to point out the
+advantage of keeping a diary.
+
+       ***
+
+It appears that one burglar has claimed his discharge from the Army
+on the ground that he is a pivotal man and that several policemen are
+waiting for him.
+
+       ***
+
+It is wrong to suppose, says the Coal Control Department, that
+anthracite is injurious to health. The little ones all declare that its
+flavour compares favourably with that of Brazil nuts.
+
+       ***
+
+Three cases of mince-pie shock are reported from the Westbourne Grove
+district.
+
+       ***
+
+A woman has been fined ten shillings at Birmingham for putting cold tea
+in bottles and selling it as whisky. One of the purchasers, it appears,
+had his suspicions aroused by the peculiar taste of the liquid.
+
+       ***
+
+The KAISER'S health, says a contemporary, is still a cause of anxiety.
+
+Not to us.
+
+       ***
+
+"SHOOTINGS WANTED.
+
+   "Woman (middle-aged, respectable) would give services for home and
+    small wage."
+
+    _Scottish Paper_
+
+She would probably be quite effective at ordinary ranges.
+
+       ***
+
+    "Would the Party who removed Petticoat from the Railway Fence,
+    between 11th and 12th, kindly return same and save further
+    exposure."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+In the interests of propriety we trust this appeal has been responded
+to.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER HISTORIC INTERVIEW.
+
+BY OUR SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT.
+
+_Incited to great efforts by the interview in "The Times" with President
+WILSON, wherein so much is said (by the interviewer), Mr. Punch sent
+forth one of his most energetic and Napoleonic young men to attempt
+a similarly incredible feat and obtain an interview with that most
+unapproachable of men--President not excluded--the Editor of "The
+Times." The word "failure" being absent from the Bouverie Street
+lexicon, it follows that the impossible was achieved, and the
+electrifying result is printed below. In the wish that readers in vaster
+numbers than usual may peruse the winged words of the illustrious
+journalist, Mr. Punch offers the freedom of the article to all editors
+the world over._
+
+The office of _The Times_ is situated in a busy quarter of the great
+city of London and is built of brick and stone. Light enters the
+numerous rooms through windows made of glass. Outside is the roar of
+traffic; inside, the presses groan, not always without reason.
+
+My appointment with the august and retiring controller of the great
+English journal--the Jupiter who directs its thunderbolts, determines
+the size of type appropriate to every correspondent, and latterly has
+added to the gaiety of nations by offering a tilting-space to the
+ATTORNEY-GENERAL and Mr. GIBSON BOWLES--my appointment being at three
+o'clock I was careful to reach the office a few minutes before that
+hour, because I like to have time to look around and collect those
+little details of environment and atmosphere which are so valuable in
+themselves as to make it almost immaterial whether the person I am to
+interview speaks at all.
+
+Entering the offices, which can be described only as palatial, I was
+struck by the thoughtfulness--no doubt appertaining to the head of the
+establishment who was so soon, for the first time in history, to grant
+me an audience--which had provided a parallelogram of some fibrous
+material for the purpose of removing the mud from one's boots. A minute
+later I was again delighted by the discovery of an ingenious contrivance
+in the shape of a kind of peg or hook on which a hat and coat could
+be placed. It is by just such minutiae as these that one place is
+distinguished from another and character indicated.
+
+Punctually to the minute I was shown into the Editor's room, where again
+I was struck by the imaginative adequacy of the surroundings. Before
+coming to the man himself let me say something of these. The floor was
+not bare or even sprinkled with sawdust, as it might easily have been,
+but it was covered by a comfortable carpet, probably from Axminster.
+Comfort was indeed the note. The desk was neither pitch pine nor teak,
+but mahogany. Upon it were scattered papers--lightly scattered, although
+no doubt each was of the most momentous, even tragical import, some
+bearing the signatures of the most eminent publicists in the land. Yet,
+such is the domination of this man, they lay there like circulars or
+election addresses. In the ink-pot was ink. A date rack was proof that
+the Editor is not superior to the artificial divisions of time.
+
+As I entered, his back was towards me, but none the less I was conscious
+of power, distinction, a man apart. I have seen many backs, but none
+more notable than this. Turning he revealed to the full the wonder and
+mystery of his famous frown--the frown of Jupiter Tonans. Much has been
+said of this frown, but since no analysis has yet appeared in print I
+must be permitted to offer one. To begin with, the frown is not only on
+his face, but (one instinctively knows) all over him. It suffuses him.
+Could one see, for instance, his knee, one is sure that it would be
+frowning too.
+
+The effect was terrifying, but I stood my ground. As for the face,
+where the frown concentrates, it is most curiously divided. Below the
+masterful nose the frown may be said to be merely threatening; above the
+firm upper lip it assumes a quality of such dourness as to resemble a
+scowl. The forehead is corrugated. The ears twitch, especially the left.
+The eyes emit sparks.
+
+Hitherto he had not spoken; but now he began to unburden himself of
+those opinions, hopes, fancies and idealistic meditations for which I
+had come so far to see him. In order that there shall be no ambiguity I
+have arranged for them to be set up in larger type than the rest of the
+article. After all, any type will suit my own poor setting, but the
+jewels, the jewels must be seen.
+
+"Be seated, pray," he said. "The world," he added after a long silence,
+"is in an unusual state. The Versailles Conferences may effect great
+changes."
+
+"Everyone hopes," he remarked after another pause, "that the weather
+will improve; recently it has been far from invigorating."
+
+I give his exact words with scrupulous minuteness.
+
+"A permanent peace," he continued, "based upon equity, cannot but be
+desired. The Election results," he added as an afterthought, "are
+interesting."
+
+Asked what he thought of the PRIME MINISTER, he pondered deeply for a
+while and then replied, in carefully measured tones, "I think him an
+exceptional man."
+
+Pressed as to the League of Nations, he considered the matter for some
+minutes and then said, "It is a fine notion. We might all be the happier
+if it came."
+
+My time being now up he bowed me to the door and the interview was over.
+The knob was of brass and had been, recently polished.
+
+His last words were, "Mind the step."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RECONSTRUCTION; A NEW YEAR'S TASK.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Bore_. "I HAVE BEEN MAKING A VERY INTERESTING
+CALCULATION. NOW, JUST HAVE A GUESS. IF ALL THE WOUND-STRIPES WERE
+PLACED END TO END HOW FAR DO YOU THINK THEY WOULD REACH?"
+
+_Weary Wounded._ "DUNNO, GUV'NOR. STEP IT OUT AND SHOW US."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Officer (to whom private has given three ardent
+love-letters, addressed to different persons, to censor)._ "WELL, WHAT
+ARE YOU WAITING FOR?" _Private._ "'SCUSE ME, SIR, BUT I JUST WANTED TO
+SEE YOU DIDN'T MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT THE ENVELOPES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ANTI-PICADORS.
+
+A conference of subscribers and contributors to the correspondence
+columns of _The Times_ was held at Caxton Hall on Saturday last, to
+discuss the situation created in the issue of December 21st by the
+printing of the interview with President WILSON in larger type than
+had ever been used previously in the body of the paper. Amongst those
+present were "Scrutator," "Bis Dat Qui Cito Dat," "Judex," "Vindex,"
+"Palmam Qui Meruit Ferat," "Rusticus Expectans," "Old Etonian," "Anxious
+Parent," "Anti-Jacobin," "Puzzled," "Octogenarian," "Quousque Tandem,"
+and "The Thin End of the Wedge."
+
+The Chair was taken by a "Subscriber of Fifty Years' Standing," who
+prefaced his remarks by observing that neither he nor any of those
+present was animated by the faintest antagonism to President WILSON.
+Their gratitude to him for his services in the War was so great that,
+in the abstract, they could have no objection to his being accorded the
+distinction of the largest possible type, so long as proper distinction
+was made typographically between the remarks of the PRESIDENT and the
+comments of the interviewer--as for example that Mr. WILSON's bedroom
+is "strictly First Empire," or that "there seems to be some kind of
+competition between the upper and the lower halves of his features,"
+or that his "grey lounge suit" was "well cut into his body." But there
+ought to be some harmony between the size of the type and the importance
+of the views expressed. He had himself contributed many letters to _The
+Times_ on subjects of the greatest urgency, but had never attained
+the dignity even of long primer. (Sensation.) He thought that in the
+circumstances they were entitled to address a modest protest to the
+Editor, to the effect that the use of "pica" should be reserved for the
+rarest occasions and not be allowed to prejudice the claims of those who
+were entitled to exercise the indefeasible privilege of "writing to _The
+Times_." (Cheers.)
+
+"Scrutator," who followed, disclaimed any personal grievance. His
+letters had always appeared in large type and on the best pages. But
+he drew the line at "pica"; it looked too like an advertisement and
+destroyed the balance of the page. In old days an editor controlled the
+"make-up" of his paper. Now he was at the mercy of his "maker-up."
+
+"Judex," speaking from the body of the hall, said that he had heard
+the interview in question spoken of as a "splendid scoop." He was not
+certain what the phrase meant, but he did not like the sound of it, and
+dreaded the prospect of President WILSON being made the subject of a
+typographical competition between our daily papers. While the paper
+shortage lasted this might lead to very serious results in the way of
+restricting the space available for the ventilation of the views of
+those present.
+
+An "Anxious Parent" pointed out that the use of "pica" was unfortunate,
+as it irresistibly suggested "picador," one who participated in a cruel
+sport, whereas President WILSON was a most humane and compassionate man
+and had never assisted at a bull-fight.
+
+After several other speeches it was ultimately resolved to form an
+association, to be known as the "Anti-Picador League," and a small
+committee was appointed to draw up an appeal to the principal Editors to
+abstain as far as possible from typographical Jumbomania.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOY (SECOND CLASS).
+
+  BOY (Second Class) John Simpkins, a bad 'un, you must know,
+  Was told to swab a plank one day by a First-Class C.P.O.,
+  Whose eagle eye, returning, on the deck espied a stain--
+  "Boy Simpkins, fetch your mop, me lad, and swab yon plank again."
+  Boy Simpkins (Second Class, too!) made as though he wouldn't go,
+  And distinctly muttered "Blast you!" to that First-Class C.P.O.
+
+  The splendid Petty Officer fell flat upon the deck;
+  They bore him to the Sick Bay just a weak and worthless wreck;
+  But an A.B. who was standing by had caught the wicked word
+  And told the Duty Officer exactly what occurred:--
+  "Boy Simpkins (Second Class, too!), which I think yer oughter know, Sir,
+  'Ad the lip ter mutter 'Blast you!' ter the Fust-Class C.P.O., Sir."
+
+  There is silence in the foc's'le, on the quarter-deck dismay,
+  And the lower deck is humming in a most unusual way;
+  The working-party pauses as it cleans a six-inch gun,
+  And tho Officer on Duty whispers hoarse to "Number One":--
+  "Boy Simpkins (Second Class, too!), I suppose you ought to know, Sir,
+  Had the cheek to mutter 'Blast you!' to a First-Class C.P.O., Sir."
+
+  Number One, his face is ashen and his knees knock as he runs
+  (A curious phenomenon quite rare in Number Ones);
+  But on he rushed until he saw the tall brass-hatted Bloke,
+  And, nervously saluting, incoherently he spoke:--
+  "Boy Simpkins (Second Class, too!), I'm afraid that you must know, Sir,
+  Had the nerve to mutter 'Blast you!' to a First-Class C.P.O., Sir."
+
+  The Bloke turned blue and shivered, then hysterically laughed,
+  And hurried, cackling shrilly, to the Owner's cabin aft;
+  There in that awful presence, with lips aghast and pale,
+  To the horror-haunted Owner he re-told the horrid tale:--
+  "Boy Simpkins (Second Class, too!), I regret to let you know, Sir,
+  Had the face to mutter 'Blast you!' to a First-Class C.P.O., Sir!"
+
+  You could almost hear the silence when the flags began to flap
+  And the Captain made the signal that destroyed the Admiral's nap;
+  And though I wasn't there myself beside the great man's bed
+  You all can guess as well as I just what the Owner said:--"SUBMITTED.
+  Boy Simpkins (Second Class, too!), it is thought you ought to know, Sir,
+  Has dared to mutter 'Blast you!' to a First-Class C.P.O., Sir!"
+
+  The Press Bureau won't let me mention how the Admiral went
+  And told Sir ERIC GEDDES, who informed the Government;
+  How the Cabinet, when summoned, found him far too bad to kill,
+  So packed him off to Weiringen to valet LITTLE WILL.
+  Boy Simpkins (Second Class, too!) down to history will go
+  As the first and last who dared say "Blast" to a First-Class C.P.O.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOVEL RECONSTRUCTION.
+
+Simmons is a writer of fiction and was a friend of mine.
+
+I used to play billiards with Simmons, to talk to Simmons, but not to
+read Simmons.
+
+There are limits to friendship.
+
+I met him the other day in a very depressed state.
+
+"Look at these munition workers," he said. "See what the Government is
+doing for them. Paying them wages all the time that they're out of work.
+What about me?"
+
+"Well, you weren't on munitions."
+
+"I have been on intellectual munitions," replied Simmons. "And now all
+my editors write to me, 'Get away from the War.' I have to transfer my
+machinery to peace work. I have to turn away from the production of the
+German spy. Think of it. I have almost lived on him for years. I have
+created hundreds of him during the War. All my laboriously acquired
+knowledge of German terms--like '_Schweinhund_,' you know--goes for
+nothing. I shall have to make all my villains Bolsheviks. That will
+require close study of Russia. All my old Russian knowledge goes for
+nothing. They have abolished the knout and exile to Siberia. I have to
+start afresh.
+
+"Then look at my heroes. I have mastered the second lieutenant. My
+typewriter almost automatically writes 'old top,' 'old soul,' 'old
+bean,' 'old egg.' All my study of this type is thrown away. And
+heroines--why, I shall have to study dress again. The hospital nurse is
+done for; the buxom proportions of the land-girl avail me no more.
+My dear fellow, it will be six months before I can deal with women's
+costume competently.
+
+"And plots. How the War simplified everything. The Zep, a failure in
+fact, was a splendid success in fiction. The awkward people could be
+wiped out so simply. Then one's villains could die gallantly--a bit of
+good in the worst of men, you know--whispering a hurried confession in
+the ears of the Company Sergeant-Major in the front trenches.
+
+"Then, again, all misunderstandings were explained when the V.C. looked
+up from his hospital bed. 'Eric,' she gushed, 'you here!' And from that
+moment he needed no more medicine. My dear fellow, we shall want new
+plots now; real plots and new characters. It will be a long time before
+I can return to my pre-war standard of strong, silent, masterful
+millionaires from the backwoods. Haven't I a right to seek compensation
+from the Government for checking my intellectual output?"
+
+"I think the Government ought to pay you ten pounds for every week in
+which you don't write," I said.
+
+Simmons shook me warmly by the hand.
+
+The next day he cut me dead. I believe that Simmons, though an author of
+popular fiction, must have been thinking.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE FUTURE OF LYING.
+
+"INTERNATIONAL CONFERENCE TO BE CALLED."
+
+_Northampton Dally Echo._
+
+We should have thought it might quite safely be left to private
+enterprise.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The American troops on this side are already either in the States
+    or on their way."--_Letter in "Daily Express."_
+
+The Germans will take this as convincing evidence of American duplicity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HISTORY OF A JOKE.
+
+[Illustration: BEFORE THE DAWN OF HISTORY IT WAS A UNIVERSAL FAVORITE.]
+
+[Illustration: THE EGYPTIANS LOVED IT.]
+
+[Illustration: THE ASSYRIANS NEVER GREW TIRED OF IT.]
+
+[Illustration: THE GREEKS GRINNED AT IT.]
+
+[Illustration: THE ROMANS REVELLED IN IT.]
+
+[Illustration: HENGIST OFTEN TOLD IT TO HORSA.]
+
+[Illustration: IT WAS RELISHED BY THE SAXONS.]
+
+[Illustration: THE NORMANS KNEW IT WELL.]
+
+[Illustration: IT NEVER LOST ITS FRESHNESS THROUGH THE MIDDLE AGES.]
+
+[Illustration: HENRY VIII. MADE HIS REPUTATION BY IT.]
+
+[Illustration: CHARLES II. REGALED HIS COURT WITH IT.]
+
+[Illustration: IN THE GEORGIAN ERA IT REMAINED UNDIMMED.]
+
+[Illustration: IT WAS POPULAR IN THE SIXTIES.]
+
+[Illustration: AND ONLY LAST WEEK IT WAS THE HIT OF ALL THE NEWEST
+REVUES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW DEMOCRACY.
+
+_Telegraph Girl (at last finding addressee after marching down the
+room, shouting, "Bullock! Bullock! Anybody here name o'
+Bullock?"--contemplatively, as she awaits answer)._ "UMPH! NOT MUCH LIKE
+A BULLOCK, ARE YER?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN MEMORY OF DORA.
+
+(_A JOYOUS ANTICIPATION_.)
+
+  Walk very softly here and very slowly;
+    Let no sound pass the barrier of your teeth;
+  Not that the spot whereon you tread is holy,
+    But lest you rouse her up that lies beneath.
+
+  She ruthlessly curtailed our golf and skittles;
+    She vetoed daily sprees and nightly jinks;
+  She doled our baccy and weighed out our victuals,
+    And watered (cruellest of all) our drinks.
+
+  Anathema (by order) were our races;
+    Joy-riding was taboo in car or train;
+  And when they ventured to kick o'er the traces
+  She strafed her victims till they roared again.
+
+  Now where she sleeps the sleep that knows no waking
+    A simply graven sentence marks the place
+  (The Latin's shaky but bears no mistaking):--
+    "_Hic jacet DORA and hic let her jace_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN UNHAPPY CHRISTMAS.
+
+    "A number of persons have booked dooms for Yuletide."--_Scottish
+    Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BROTHER SERVICE.
+
+    MR. PUNCH, DEAR SIR,--I am still with the Q.M.A.A.C.'s at what used
+    to be called the Front. But do not imagine I am cut off from news.
+    Papers from home pour in by every mail. I read articles written by
+    People Who Know, and speeches of politicians to female electors, and
+    that is how I have learned that it is we Women of England who have
+    won the War.
+
+    Yet out here one cannot help noticing that the War was not waged
+    entirely by the lovelier sex. And so I am writing to ask you to say
+    a word or two about the work of the Brother Service, the less
+    conspicuous branches of our army, the men who hauled big guns about,
+    who stood in trenches, who looked after ammunition, or who killed
+    mules to provide us with pressed beef. Little bits of the great
+    machinery--hangers-on of the great Women's Army Corps--yes, but
+    without the humble hairpin the whole coiffure falls to the ground.
+
+    I have never been a pessimist or a scaremonger, but _without some of
+    these men I don't believe we women would have won the War at all!_
+
+    They ought to be encouraged, Mr. Punch. Could you not start a Muscle
+    Competition for the men who helped the women win the War? Something
+    like the Beauty Competitions for us other warriors? Why not offer
+    prizes to the Tommy with the biggest biceps, the Subaltern with the
+    thickest calf, and the Brigadier with the finest abdominal
+    development?
+
+    One is so afraid that at the next European crisis the War Office,
+    having learned its history from picture papers, will simply mobilise
+    the women and forget all about the men. Those absurd machine guns
+    with their wobbly legs really need a man's touch. Besides, it would
+    be so jolly dull without them.
+
+    No, the men really helped, and we ought not to forget it.
+
+    I hope that in years to come, when little voices in the firelight
+    (that's a pretty touch--who says the Army has made us unfeminine?)
+    beseech me, "Tell us again how you won the War, Great-grandma," I
+    shall retain sufficient perspective to reply, "Granny didn't do it
+    all alone, darlings; there were a lot of men who helped too."
+
+    Yours faithfully,
+
+    ADMINISTRATOR Q.M.A.A.C.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a description of our infantry's arrival in Cologne:--
+
+    "Then came more Fusiliers, the Lancashire Fusiliers and the Royal
+    Dublin Fusiliers, and after them battalions from all parts of the
+    British Isles.... It was wonderfully thrilling to go from one bridge
+    to the other, from skirl of pipes to the triumphant swing of 'John
+    Peel,' and then to the 'Maple Leaf For Ever.'"
+
+    _Times._
+
+And what did the Dublins play? "Erin on the Rhine"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE 1919 MODEL.
+
+MR. PUNCH. "THEY'VE GIVEN YOU A FINE NEW MACHINE, MR. PREMIER, AND
+YOU'VE GOT PLENTY OF SPIRIT; BUT LOOK OUT FOR BUMPS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Enthusiastic Civilian_.--"WELL, HOW ARE YOU ENJOYING
+YOURSELF, MATE?" _Mons Veteran_.--"MIDDLIN'." _Enthusiastic
+Civilian_.--"OH, YOU'VE GOT TO GET USED TO IT. OF COURSE AT FIRST IT
+SEEMS A BIT BRUTAL."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+LXXIX.
+
+    My dear Charles,--Old Bowdler has been brooding again on that
+    idea of a brief for the defence in the forthcoming trial of the
+    ex-Kaiser. He rather fancies himself cross-examining with courtesy
+    but firmness some Generalissimo or other, or reducing to tears by an
+    eloquent speech a court packed with everybody who is anybody, and
+    in both cases having the eyes of Europe upon him and the ears of
+    America hanging on his next word. After all, barristers will be
+    barristers and, when they are, your ordinary man is no match for
+    'em. It took another man of his own kind to knock the conceit out of
+    the idea.
+
+    Lack of precedent was no difficulty to Bowdler's learned opponent. A
+    ready imagination made up. To hear him talk you would think he had
+    spent his life assisting at the trials of ex-Kaisers. He described
+    the whole affair as if it had already taken place. Thus:--
+
+    The culprit, he assumed, is on bail, though not, of course, on his
+    own recognizances. First, attention is called to the case by Counsel
+    for the Prosecution rising early in the sitting and asking his
+    Lordship if he might mention the case of WILLIAM HOHENZOLLERN, next
+    on his Lordship's list.
+
+    "William who?" asks the Clerk of Assize.
+
+    "WILLIAM HOHENZOLLERN," answers counsel: "H-O-H-E-N-Z-O-double
+    L-E-R-N."
+
+    A titter is heard at the idea of a man going about with a name like
+    that. His Lordship, regarding it as a nuisance rather than a joke,
+    threatens to have the court cleared. A juryman in waiting in the
+    gallery seizes the opportunity to ask, if anyone is to be turned
+    out, might it be himself.
+
+    Counsel goes on to mention the case. "A complicated case of false
+    pretences, my Lord----," he begins. But his solicitor plucks at his
+    gown and points out to him that he is confusing his briefs. Counsel
+    apologises to the Court and asks leave to refresh his memory. In a
+    passionate whisper to his solicitor he asks who is this Hohenzollern
+    man, anyway, and why the devil does he want to be mentioned before
+    his time? Enlightened, he explains to the Court that the accused
+    has got some money together for a dock defence and would like an
+    opportunity to instruct his counsel more fully.
+
+    His Lordship refuses a postponement; Hohen-what's-his-name should
+    have thought of this before. His Lordship has every confidence in
+    counsel's ability to pick up the facts as the case proceeds. If
+    counsel's personal convenience is involved that is another matter.
+    But as for Zohenhollern--["Hohenzollern, my Lord"]--he cannot expect
+    particular treatment; and that will do, thank you.
+
+    The ushers start calling out for him to surrender to his bail:
+    "Hohenzollern! Hhhohenzollern! Owen Zollern!" re-echoes throughout
+    the building. "Zollern--O-N!" is heard faintly in the far distance.
+    No one notices that a gentleman with a fierce moustache has already
+    made his dramatic entry and is trying to push his way into the
+    dock....
+
+    He is stood up with half-a-dozen other prisoners, so that one jury
+    may be sworn for the lot. It is desired that each prisoner should
+    be identified with his name as it is called. WILLIAM HOHENZOLLERN,
+    whichever he may be, is asked to bold up his hand. An old man in
+    corduroys, who wears a dirty handkerchief round his neck for collar
+    and cravat, and is charged with feloniously stealing, taking and
+    carrying away his forty-first pair of boots and is also a bit 'ard
+    of 'earing, insists that he is the man. As nothing will persuade
+    him that he is not, the Clerk of Assize leaves it to the warders to
+    decide which of the two is which. After all it is a small point.
+
+    The case is called on and WILLIAM is left in sole possession of the
+    dock. This is his moment, thinks he. With set features he stands
+    forward and assumes the most important attitude possible.
+
+    "Are you WILLIAM HOHENZOLLERN?" asks the Clerk of Assize.
+
+    There is a pause. "I am," says he.
+
+    Everyone turns to have a look at him. Feeling that he is thoroughly
+    impressing everyone WILLIAM fixes a commanding eye on the judge,
+    compelling, as he supposes, his utmost attention.
+
+    "Let's adjourn for lunch," says the judge....
+
+    When at last the case gets to its hearing (so far as anything at
+    all can be heard over the small talk in front of the dock and the
+    shuffle of impatient feet behind it) a novel point arises. A witness
+    refers to the War. "What war?" asks his Lordship. Counsel thinks
+    he can explain, but WILLIAM isn't for letting him. "Will you keep
+    silence?" says the Judge to WILLIAM. "You must call evidence to
+    prove that there was a war," he says to counsel.
+
+    WILLIAM faints upon realising that Armageddon, his masterpiece, was
+    such that judicial knowledge wasn't aware of it....
+
+    Witness after witness is called; barrister after barrister, in the
+    bar beneath the dock rail, goes to sleep. WILLIAM, after shaking off
+    the stupor caused by the awful disregard of his personality, begins
+    to murmur incoherently. The warder taps him on the shoulder.
+    WILLIAM, who has never even conceived of being tapped by anybody,
+    bursts out with an exclamation. The worst thing which has ever
+    happened to him in his life then happens. Bowdler, Bowdler of all
+    the un-imperial and un-godlike people in this world, turns to
+    WILLIAM to rebuke him in a stern whisper, telling him that he is
+    doing himself no good and concluding his remarks with "My man"....
+
+    The trial proceeds, WILLIAM being speechless with rage. In his ears
+    is ringing a Hymn of Hate--hate of everybody in the court, but
+    particularly of Bowdler. Every time he can get his brain to work and
+    his tongue to work with it, he leans forward to breathe some drastic
+    utterance at his defending counsel. Bowdler remains detached.
+    WILLIAM (late Kaiser) has to realise as a cold fact that here is
+    a wretched mortal daring to sharpen a pencil while he is being
+    addressed by the ALL-HIGHEST. The ALL-HIGHEST reaches over the dock
+    rail to thump the wretched mortal's wretched head....
+
+    Bowdler rises deliberately. There is a hush. He is going to say
+    something important. WILLIAM feels that at last the world is sane
+    and duly attentive to him again. Bowdler submits that the state of
+    mind of the accused person (accused person!) should be inquired
+    into.
+
+    The judge very readily acquiesces; anything to get rid of the
+    fellow. The prison doctor swears that he has never seen a lunatic if
+    this isn't one. An assertive juryman, who disapproves of business
+    being so rushed as not to permit of a hanging, expresses the view
+    aloud that it is all put on. Silence ensues upon the anomaly of a
+    juryman daring to express a view aloud; WILLIAM avails himself of
+    this silence for the same purpose. His view, which was evidently
+    intended to take some time in the expressing, starts off with
+    personal reminiscences of the intimate friendship and business
+    partnership between himself and the Almighty. The juryman at once
+    gives in and the verdict is found before WILLIAM has completed his
+    second sentence....
+
+    WILLIAM hears himself being ordered "to be detained during His
+    Majesty's pleasure." The warder, propelling him down below stairs to
+    the cells, makes it quite clear to WILLIAM that the Majesty referred
+    to is not his (WILLIAM'S)....
+
+    Bowdler follows later to tell WILLIAM what a lucky fellow he is, and
+    also to take off him one pound, three shillings and sixpence....
+
+    Yours ever, HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Conducting Officer._ "IT'S NOT A BAD LITTLE BATTLEFIELD;
+BUT I'M AFRAID IT'S AWFULLY UNTIDY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A "POCKET" BOROUGH.
+
+    "Beyrout, the ancient Berytus, is 55 miles WNW from Damascus.
+    The port is strongly fortified, its walls being three inches in
+    circumference."--_East African Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE EUPHEMISTIC MOSLEM.
+
+"DEATH OF TURKISH MINISTER.
+
+    "A Constantinople message reports that the Turkish Minister of the
+    Interior has resigned."
+
+    _Australian Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GUARANTEED.
+
+"You recognize, of course, that the situation is exceptional," said
+Edith's mother. "You left New York on December 2, and arrived at Euston
+on December 13. To-day, December 18, you ask me for my daughter's hand,
+after a three days' acquaintance. Is this the usual American pace?"
+
+"That is hardly my fault," I said. "We ran into a nasty bit of weather
+off Cape Race and lost twelve hours."
+
+"Still," she said, "under the circumstances you will admit that I have
+the right to put a few questions. Edith is all I have. She has naturally
+not told me everything, but I gather you have spoken to her a good deal
+about yourself."
+
+"Not more than three or four hours at a sitting," I replied.
+
+"And you have never spoken to anyone else as you have to Edith?"
+
+"I have."
+
+"Oh," she said.
+
+"I wish it had been otherwise," I pleaded; "but life is very complex
+nowadays on both sides of the Atlantic. Much that I have told Edith I
+have also revealed to the passport clerk at Washington and the keeper
+of birth records in New York. Something too I confided to the
+assistant-book-keeper in the War Zone Bureau at the Custom-House in New
+York, to the cashier of the French consulate at home, and to the gateman
+of Cunard Pier 54, at the foot of West Fourteenth Street. I am sorry; I
+wish Edith had been the first to whom I gave up the inner secrets of my
+soul, but the fact is that to some extent she was anticipated by your
+Military Control-Officer at Liverpool."
+
+"It might have been worse," she sighed. "You have nice manners and a
+good face. At home I suppose you are quite popular?"
+
+"Up to the twenty-fifth of October I shouldn't have said so," I replied.
+"But since then a great many people have taken to me. Not quite like
+DORIS KEANE, you know, but still I have distributed in a little more
+than a month no fewer than three dozen photographs of myself two and
+a-half inches square. Your consul at New York took two, the French
+Chamber of Commerce took three, and I am having some more ready for the
+time when I go to make application for my emergency ration card, in case
+your food department proves equally susceptible. I have been asked out
+a great deal. The State Department at Washington made me come down for
+several weekends and your Military Officer at home had me in on three
+successive days."
+
+"Mr. Smith," she said, "you seem an honest man. Do you, in your heart,
+believe yourself good enough for my Edith?"
+
+"Had you asked me that six weeks ago," I said, "I should have answered
+'No.' Before I spoke to Edith, that very same question flashed up within
+me. I saw the golden sheen of her hair in the moonlight--for you do
+sometimes have moonlight here in London--and wondered whether I had the
+right to speak. Of course I was not good enough for her, but still I
+felt that I was not altogether unfit. I might justly ask for her in the
+face of high Heaven, the Passport Bureau at Washington, the War Zone
+Bureau at the Custom-House, the head clerk at the Cunard office, the
+watchman at the pier, the official who changed my American money into
+your own very confusing monetary system, the man at the head of the
+gang-plank, the man at the foot of the gang-plank, the steward who
+filled my alien's declaration, the steward who gave me my landing-card,
+several battalions of control officers, and approximately half the
+Allied diplomatic services. When I spoke to Edith I had all the
+documents in my breast-pocket, and my heart glowed with justifiable
+confidence beneath them. The dear girl never asked for my college
+certificate and my luggage check, but I have them all here."
+
+"Perhaps it isn't necessary," she said. "You may have her, my dear boy."
+
+"Without even looking at my Czecho-Slovak _visé_ my club dues for 1918,
+and my inoculation receipt for typhoid and paratyphoid A and B?" I
+stammered.
+
+"You have a nice face," she said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WOT'S OUR NOO M.P.'S BIZNESS?"
+
+"'E'S IN THE JOBMASTERING LINE I THINK. I 'EARD 'E ARST TO BE SENT BACK
+TO 'ELP CLEAN OUT THE ORGEAN STABLES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR GREAT UNKNOWN.
+
+_First Official_. I say, who is the Head of the Thingumyjig
+Ministry--the one at the Hotel Giorgione?
+
+_Second Official_. Haven't an idea. I thought it had been wound up.
+
+_First Official_. Well, I'm not so sure of that. There was an
+announcement about it in the papers, and then an official _démenti_, and
+then the Minister resigned, and now I hear he has been reappointed.
+
+_Second Official_. Then you evidently knew his name all along. Why on
+earth did you ask me?
+
+_First Official_. You see, it's like this. I had a bet on with a man at
+the Club that out of ten Government officials not more than one would
+know the Minister's name. You didn't, and you happen to be the ninth who
+didn't, so I've won my bet. By the way, do you know what has become of
+the _chef_ at the Giorgione?
+
+_Second Official_. You mean old Savary, who was always gassing about his
+descent from NAPOLEON'S General? I think he went back to Paris some time
+ago.
+
+_First Official_. Thanks; then I win my second bet--that out of ten
+Government officials five would know _his_ name.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNNATURAL HISTORY.
+
+From a _feuilleton:_--
+
+    "She watched him catch the sticklebacks which were one day to turn
+    into frogs."
+
+    _Church Family Newspaper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Crown Prince expressed hope he would one day be able to return
+    to Germany and live there as a sample citizen."--_Bath Herald_.
+
+We don't think quite so badly of the Germans as all that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To Property Owners and Hotel Proprietors.--Start Redecorating and
+    Repairs now, before the rush comes, and gives the boys returning a
+    chance for work."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+Personally, we shall postpone our order until the boys do come home.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Artist_. "I CAN'T AFFORD TEN POUNDS. MY BANK TELLS ME
+I'M OVERDRAWN NOW."
+
+_His Wife_. "SURELY YOU CAN GET IT AT ANOTHER BANK? THEY CAN'T ALL BE AS
+HARD UP AS THAT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CONSPIRACY IN THE POULTRY-YARD.
+
+    DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I suppose it must be conceded that practical jokes
+    have not the vogue that they once enjoyed. No longer do you discover
+    some fine morning that the street in which you live is blockaded
+    with furniture vans, all endeavouring to deliver furniture you don't
+    require and never heard of before, while your staircase is a mass of
+    flowers and fruit constantly increasing upon you and threatening
+    to smother you with their amount no less than with their scent. It
+    would gradually appear that the deliveries both of the flowers and
+    the furniture were being executed in accordance with the orders of
+    one of your friends, and that you had to grin and bear it as best
+    you might. I cannot say that the victim or the general public, when
+    they heard of it, looked upon it with any excess of enthusiasm.
+    Anyhow, practical jokes have gone out.
+
+    Yet there is a kind of practical joke which, so far as I know, has
+    never been played upon anybody, and which, if it wore played,
+    might provoke a considerable volume of laughter and no small
+    inconvenience. I have schemed it out and venture to submit the plan
+    to you.
+
+    My idea is to take some weekly magazine which caters either for some
+    special trade or amusement or pursuit. Let us imagine it to be _The
+    Chicken Run_, with which is incorporated _The Fowls' Guardian_. I am
+    entitled to assume that most of Mr. Punch's readers are acquainted
+    with this bright and lively feathered journal. My plan is to get
+    together some bold spirits, to capture the editor and his staff,
+    and to hold them in a comfortable but rigorous imprisonment for one
+    week; to take possession of the editorial office, and then to set to
+    work to transform the contents of the paper. I foresee the amazement
+    of the faithful readers of _The Chicken Run_, on being informed, in
+    the column headed "Hints to Beginners," that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S pet
+    Leghorn cockerel has developed a surprising taste for latchkeys, and
+    recently swallowed two of them, while Mr. ASQUITH'S Buff Orpington
+    pullet has taken to following him about like a dog and roosting
+    on his bed-rail. Then there would be a breezy editorial article
+    designed to prove that poultry had come out of the war with a much
+    enhanced reputation, owing to the loyal part they had played in
+    assisting the FOOD-CONTROLLER.
+
+    Further, there would be special articles proving, for instance, that
+    champagne is the one drink on which all breeds of chickens increase
+    and multiply their production of eggs, especially if hot caviare
+    is afterwards administered in large bowls. Then there would be the
+    first chapters of an enthralling serial whose plot revolved round
+    the love-story of Sir Robert Wyandotte and Lady Cecilia Buttercup--a
+    literary effort of unparalleled brilliancy due to the genius of a
+    new novelist who preferred to be known as the Red Rover of Rhode
+    Island. And so on and so on. If you think the scheme is feasible,
+    let me hear from you and I will begin to get my team of villains
+    together.
+
+    Yours faithfully,
+
+    THE GAME CHICK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Women and young persons now employed in these works enjoy a miximum
+    working week of fifty-five and a half hours."--_Sunday Paper_.
+
+And, we suppose, a manimum wage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"THE BABES IN THE WOOD."
+
+When I saw a dull red glow in the early evening sky above the great open
+flares that lit the portals of the Theatre Royal, I said to myself,
+"This brings the Peace home to one!" But those who think that England
+will never be the same after the War, that all things will become new
+and better, have not reckoned with the Drury Lane Pantomime. Its tactics
+may change, but its general strategy remains untouched by War or Peace.
+Under any name--_Ali Baba_ or _Aladdin_, _Puss in Boots_ or _The Babes
+in the Wood_--its savour is the same. If only a tenth part of the
+enterprise that goes to the making of its great pageants were devoted to
+the invention of a new subject, though it were only _The Babes in Boots_
+or _Puss in the Wood_! However, with Bolshevism in the air it is best
+perhaps not to tamper with British institutions.
+
+Still, even within the limits imposed by immemorial tradition there
+surely must be somebody in the United Kingdom who could make a better
+book. It was pathetic that so capable a cast--Miss LILY LONG in
+particular--should have such second-rate stuff to say and sing. Seldom
+could one detect any attempt to evade the obvious. Of topical allusions,
+apart from timeworn themes of coupons and profiteers, there was scarce
+a sign, and such burlesque as there was had no sort of subtlety in it.
+Take, for example, the opportunity lost in the imitation of a bedroom
+scene from modern drama. It announced itself as something "West-Endy,"
+yet it was like nothing (I imagine) even in the remote Orient. And
+constantly the poor play of _esprit_ had to be carried off by the
+distracting thud of some falling body or covered by the deadening clash
+of the eternal cymbals.
+
+It is significant, in this connection, that there never seems to be any
+male character in these pantomimes that is not committed to buffoonery.
+Apparently no reliance is placed on the unassisted humour of the
+dialogue. A funny remark must be clinched with a somersault, a repartee
+be driven home by a resounding smack on the face. You might have thought
+that on such an occasion there would be room for the figure of some
+gallant soldier of the masculine sex. Yet there wasn't a vestige of
+khaki in the whole show, and the only patriotic song assigned to a man's
+voice had to be delivered by the comic villain.
+
+However, the actors were too good to be defeated by the authors; and the
+two couples--the _Babes_ (Mr. STANLEY LUPINO as _Horace_ and Mr. WILL
+EVANS as _Flossie_) and the _Robbers_ (Messrs. EGBERT)--went far by
+their personal drollery and unflagging spirits to make up for any defect
+in the words. Each member of the two pairs played very loyally into the
+other's hands. Mr. ALBERT EGBERT indeed played into his brother's feet
+with equal devotion; and the good humour with which he accepted the
+fiercest blows on face and person seemed to indicate an exceptionally
+close fraternal understanding.
+
+[Illustration: THE AGE OF INNOCENCE _Horace_ ... Mr. STANLEY LUPINO.
+_Flossie_ ... Mr. WILL EVANS.]
+
+Mr. HARRY CLAFF as the Wicked Uncle (with a note or two in the
+operatic manner) belied his villainous nature by an unusually amiable
+temperament; and Miss FLORENCE SMITHSON, with her dainty air, furnished
+interludes of conventional song, during which we gave our ribs a rest.
+
+The dancing, as usual, was rather perfunctory, if one excepts a _pas de
+deux_ which gave promise of a parody of the Russians and turned out to
+be just a series of contortionist feats, brilliant but unlovely.
+
+As good wine needs no bush, so good babes need no wood; but Messrs.
+McCLEERY and HUMPHRIES painted for them a quite nice one, where, after
+some very pleasant business with a brace of giant mushrooms that went
+up and down like a lift, the robins came and camouflaged the wanderers
+under a counterpane of fallen leaves, where they behaved much better
+than in ordinary beds. But the best scene was M. MARC HENRI's Temple of
+Peace--very beautiful with its dim perspective, till the garish light of
+"The Day" was turned on. Here the assertive colours of the Allies were
+tempered to an exquisite pale harmony, only slightly damaged by a
+nondescript contingent in pink (possibly neutrals) and the apparition of
+Mr. ARTHUR COLLINS and other gentlemen in black, who came on to receive
+the expression of our grateful approbation.
+
+I stayed long enough into the Harlequinade to see little Prince OLAF of
+Norway, in QUEEN ALEXANDRA's box, capture a large cracker dexterously
+flung to him by the Pantaloon. So ended for me an evening more jocund
+than I have had the good grace to admit.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR CLASSICAL ADVERTISERS.
+
+    "The trade-mark name of tins coat--'Aquascutum'--is a Latin word,
+    and translated into our own good English, 'Aqua,' means water.
+    'Scutum' means to shed. There you are--Watershed."
+
+    _Advt. in Canadian Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "They belileve that an not inconsiderable number of
+    dddeeeeeddlllllllcleeeeeece cw pavem ponnun _ex-parte_ opinions are
+    given for what they may be worth."
+
+    _Manchester Paper._
+
+For our part we belileve this estimate of the value of _ex-parte_
+opinions, of the kind indicated, to be sound, if rather scathing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In lieu of the February Sale and Spring Show, hitherto held in
+    April, an important sale of pure-bred bulls will be held in the
+    Show Grounds at Ballsbridge, on Thursday and Friday, 13th and 14th
+    March."--_Cork Examiner._
+
+We trust the above specimen will be duly entered.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "After the act from _Masks and Faces_ came the letter-reading, the
+    murder and the sleepwalking scenes from _Macbeth_, with Miss Mary
+    Anderson and Mr. Lyn Harding. Tragic poetry of this intensity, of
+    course, knocks everything else endways."--_Times._
+
+Or, as SHAKSPEARE himself is said to have exclaimed, as he penned the
+last line of it, "That's the stuff to give 'em."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "There should also be mentioned the merchants' bank, Towarzystwo
+    Pozyczkowe Przemyslowcow Miasta Poznania."
+
+    _Journal of the Royal Statistical Society._
+
+We have tried to mention it, but failed miserably.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Major then spoke of battles in which he had taken part. He had
+    been wounded in the back leg and arm."--_Evening News._
+
+Bit of a dog, this Major.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "PROMOTION.-Rifleman P.R. Shand to be Sergeant Cock."--_Ceylon
+    Paper._
+
+We hope Sergeant Cock was consulted about this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "IS THAT AN OFFICIAL LETTER YOU ARE WRITING, MISS BROWN?"
+
+"IT'S--SEMI-OFFICIAL, SIR."
+
+"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY SEMI-OFFICIAL?"
+
+"WELL, SIR--IT'S TO AN OFFICER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_(BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS.)_
+
+Not infrequently our novelists will follow success with a boy hero by a
+sequel showing the same character grown up. Mr. E.F. BENSON, however,
+has reversed this process, and in a second book about _David Blaize_
+introduces him grown not up, but down. So far down, indeed, as to be
+able to pass through a door conveniently situated under his own pillow
+and leading to a dreamland of the most varied enchantments. I know, of
+course, what you are about to say; I can see your lips already forming
+upon the word _Alice_. But while I admit that _David Blaize and the Blue
+Door_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is frankly built after that famous plan
+this means no more than that Mr. BENSON has used, so to speak, the
+CARROLL formula as a medium for his agreeable fancies. These are
+altogether original and filled with the proper dream-spirit of
+inconsequence. Moreover the author has a pretty gift for remembering
+just the stuff that childhood's dreams are made of--such transfigured
+delights as swimming like fishes or flying in a company of birds; he
+knows too the odd tags of speech that linger there from daytime, things
+meaningless and full of meaning--"Rod-pole-or-perch," for example, or
+that thrice-blessed word, "Popocatapetl." Best of all, he has resisted
+the subtle temptation to be even momentarily too clever for his audience
+(you know the devastating effect that may be produced if a grown-up
+pauses on the edge of the circle and reminds the story-teller that he
+has a reputation for wit). In fine, this early dream of _David's_ shows
+him fortunate in having an old family friend like Mr. Benson to write it
+down; also--what I must on no account forget--so sympathetic an artist
+as Mr. H.J. FORD to make it into pictures.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Those who have learnt to value their "TAFFRAIL" will find matter very
+much to their mind in his latest book, _A Little Ship_ (CHAMBERS). I
+do not wish to institute any invidious comparisons between the marine
+mixture as provided by "TAFFRAIL" and that of other nautical writers,
+but this much I may say with perfect confidence: the men to be found in
+"TAFFRAIL'S" stories are true human stuff, sturdy, dogged in doing their
+duty, and brave almost beyond recklessness; but they are men all the
+time, and not solemn and consecrated angels. That is, I suppose, why I
+find that "TAFFRAIL'S" stories go straight to the mark and make their
+effect with no undue waste of time; and, if a little bit of laughter is
+occasionally worked in, so much the better. The last chapter in the book
+gives an account of the Zeebrugge expedition. The story is so bravely
+told that a man can hardly refrain from shouting in apprehension and
+exultation as he reads it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I have a grudge against the publishers of _Miss Mink's Soldier_ (HODDER
+AND STOUGHTON) because they have printed on its wrapper, "By the Author
+of _Mrs. Wiggs of the Cabbage Patch_," which led me, perhaps foolishly,
+to hope that _Mrs. Wiggs_ and I were to foregather once more, and when
+we didn't made me just a little surly towards a book of short tales
+which, opened with any other expectation, would have seemed much above
+the average. There are eight stories in the book, and in almost all of
+them is found that blend of pathos and humour that Mrs. ALICE HEGAN RICE
+has taught us to expect. I liked "Cupid Goes Slumming," because it was
+almost _Cabbage Patch_; but "Hoodooed," the story of an old negro who
+believed himself the victim of a spell which involved the presence of a
+cricket in his leg, delighted me even more. His wife removes the charm
+with a vacuum cleaner, in which she has previously secreted a cricket,
+and the victim recovers. It pleased me very much to learn that among
+"white folk's superstitions" is the theory that it is "bad luck to sleep
+with the windows shet," and, when I come to think of it, I believe that
+it is very bad luck indeed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I should have liked GABRIELLE VALLINGS' _Tumult_ (HUTCHINSON) a good
+deal better if she could have managed it without the aid of a Pan who
+wandered, emitting a strong smell, chiefly in the demesne of a very
+expensive and over-cultivated French noble. It was his daughter (by an
+Australian wife) who was suffering from an inordinate perplexity as to
+which half of her blood had the real call. The Australian half suggested
+that she should marry a gentleman-rider who won the Grand Prix in a
+canter, but fell at the winning-post because his horse shied at the
+irrepressible Pan. The French half--and both her parents--urged a
+dissolute and anaemic aristocrat--blue blood and a gold lining. Her
+grandfather, a strong unsilent sheep-rancher, was against this inept
+decadent and converted to his view that saintly worldling, the gorgeous
+_Cardinal Camperioni_. A neo-futurist of the most bizarre type prances
+through the pages upon his head, causing enough "tumult" to satisfy any
+one. So why drag in Pan? Miss VALLINGS can tell a story, cannot keep
+down the volume of her puppets' talk, has a sense of movement and
+colour, and ought to win for herself a good circulating library
+constituency.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For myself I have never yet lived in a sailing barge, and under the
+providence of Heaven trust to continue in this immunity. There are
+however those who regard the matter differently; and for their benefit I
+have no hesitation in recommending most warmly _A Floating Home_ (CHATTO
+AND WINDUS), written by CYRIL IONIDES and J.B. ATKINS, and illustrated
+partly with photographs, partly with water-colour sketches by that
+various craftsman, Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT. Let me say at once that you have
+no need to be an amateur bargee, either by practice or desire, to enjoy
+this most entertaining volume. Witness my own case, who read every
+page of it with delight. It is a reasonable contention that a writer
+possessing the enthusiasm, the humour and the persuasive gifts of Mr.
+IONIDES, with a twelve-and-sixpenny book for their display, could
+present a case that would give some theoretic and superficial charm to
+the most uncomfortable conditions of existence. Not that _A Floating
+Home_ is a work only of theory; on the contrary, nothing could be more
+practical than its account of the purchase, conversion and enjoyment of
+the _Ark Royal_. The most prejudiced--again I speak personally--will
+find pleasure in the author's zestful story of how the dingy,
+foul-smelling _Will Arding_, full of cement (and worse things), was
+transformed into the spick-and-span _Ark Royal_, with a piano in the
+saloon and Queen Anne silver on the breakfast-table; while for the
+persuadable there are added plans, scales of expense and the like,
+which bring the whole matter to a working basis. The book, in short, is
+propaganda at its best (was it perhaps this that attracted Mr. BENNETT?)
+and as such well entitled to its toll of converts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Warriors and Statesmen_ (MURRAY) is a book selected from the
+"gleanings" of the late Lord BRASSEY. Such gleanings depend so largely
+on the personality of the gleaner that they may be worth anything or
+nothing; so let me say at once that Lord BRASSEY had too sound a taste
+to be a collector of ill-considered trifles. Although warriors have the
+place of honour in the title they are given but little space in the
+book. Still, in these days the soldier can well afford to let the
+statesman have the advantage in a collection that does not deal with the
+living. This limitation may explain the absence of all mention of Lord
+ROBERTS, who was probably still alive when the gleanings were completed.
+Apart from the evidence it gives of a fine mind the book preserves much
+that is worth remembering and presents it in a convenient form. For this
+we have in part to thank Mr. HORACE HUTCHINSON, to whom Lord BRASSEY
+entrusted the work of selecting these literary sheaves.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_From the Home Front_ (CONSTABLE) is a further, and rather belated,
+selection from the War verses that have appeared from week to week on
+the second page of _Punch_. Conscious of cherishing a natural prejudice
+in favour of his own productions, Mr. Punch forbears to commend this
+little volume, but he may permit himself to say that, in the judgment of
+_The Daily News_, which is above suspicion of bias, it is calculated to
+provoke "a sorrow chequered by disgust."
+
+[Illustration: _Topical Huckster_. "'ERE YOU ARE, LADY--AS CHEWED BY THE
+PRESIDENT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "This royal throne of kings,
+     This sceptical isle, this seat of Mars."
+
+     _Quotation by Miss MARIE CORELLI in "The Pall Mall Gazette."_
+
+No man is a prophet in his own country, and this is how Shakespeare gets
+treated at Stratford-on-Avon.
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10964 ***