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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156,
+Jan. 15, 1919, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, Jan. 15, 1919
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 5, 2004  [eBook #10952]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: US-ASCII
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 156, JAN. 15, 1919***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, William Flis, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 10952-h.htm or 10952-h.zip:
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/0/9/5/10952/10952-h/10952-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/0/9/5/10952/10952-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 156.
+
+JANUARY 15, 1919.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+A memorial to SIMON DE MONTFORT has been unveiled at Evesham, where he
+fell in 1265. A pathetic inquiry reaches us as to whether SIMON is yet
+demobilised.
+
+       ***
+
+We are informed that the project of adding a "Silence Room" to the
+National Liberal Club is to be resuscitated.
+
+       ***
+
+"Small one piece houses of concrete," says _The National News_, "are
+now quite common in America." The only complaint, it appears, is that
+some of them are just a trifle tight under the arms.
+
+       ***
+
+We hope that the proposed revival by a well-known theatre manager of
+_The Sins of David_ so shortly after the General Election is not the
+work of a defeated Candidate.
+
+       ***
+
+"Some of the discredited Radical organs," says a contemporary, "are
+already toying with Bolshevism." A case of "_Soviet qui peut_."
+
+       ***
+
+The report that a number of distinguished Irish Unionists have been
+ordered to choose between the LORD-LIEUTENANT's Reconstruction
+Committee and the O.B.E. is causing anxiety in Dublin Club circles.
+
+       ***
+
+Weymouth Council has decided to change the name of Holstein Avenue. We
+deprecate these attempts to force the Peace Conference's hand.
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. HENRY FORD's new paper is called _The Dearborn Independent_. Most
+independent papers, it is noticed, are that.
+
+       ***
+
+"Why has the Government raised the price of new sharps?" asks "FARMER"
+in _The Daily Mail_. They may cost more, but they look to us like the
+same old sharps.
+
+       ***
+
+"Sensation-mongering" is the public's verdict on the startling report
+circulated last week that a Civil Servant had been seen running.
+
+       ***
+
+The National Potato Exhibition, it is announced, will in future be
+held at Birmingham. The League of Political Small Potatoes, on the
+other hand, has moved its permanent headquarters to Manchester.
+
+       ***
+
+There were 21,457 fewer paupers in London last week compared with
+the same period in 1915, it is stated. All we can say is, it isn't
+London's fault.
+
+       ***
+
+A correspondent, writing to a contemporary, thinks it should be
+illegal for one taxi-driver to talk to another in the streets. It
+would be interesting under these circumstances to see what happened
+if two rival cabs collided.
+
+       ***
+
+With reference to the Upper Norwood gentleman who is reported to
+have arrived home early one night last week, it is not true that he
+travelled by tube. He walked.
+
+       ***
+
+One thing after another. No sooner is influenza on the wane than we
+read of a serious outbreak of Jazz music in London.
+
+       ***
+
+We gather from the interviews appearing in the papers that Mr. PHILIP
+SNOWDEN is of the opinion that his defeat was due to the General
+Election.
+
+       ***
+
+We are asked to deny the rumour that the KAISER has offered to compete
+for _The Daily Mail_ trans-Atlantic flight and has offered to forgo
+the prize.
+
+       ***
+
+Scientists are agreed, says _Tit-Bits_, that there is nothing to
+prevent people living for five hundred or even one thousand years. We
+feel, however, that in the case of certain very objectionable persons
+exemption might be given at the age of about forty years.
+
+       ***
+
+"Blwyddyn Newydd Dda i bawb Ohonynt" was the reported greeting sent by
+Mr. LLOYD GEORGE to his election agent. Other delegates to the Peace
+Conference are talking in the same truculent strain.
+
+       ***
+
+One of the men for whom our heart goes out in sympathy is a South
+Carolina farmer who has been in the habit of doctoring himself with
+the help of a medical book. When only fifty-five years of age he died
+of a misprint.
+
+       ***
+
+A prisoner charged at London Sessions with stealing was described as
+"one of a most daring and clever gang of thieves." It is said that he
+has asked counsel for permission to use this excellent testimonial on
+his note-headings.
+
+       ***
+
+An Irish farmer aged one hundred-and-four years, who took a prominent
+part in the General Election, has just died. This should be a lesson
+to people who meddle with politics.
+
+       ***
+
+"The current open secret in Society," says _The Star_, "is the
+engagement of Lady DIANA MANNERS, but when it will be announced only
+she herself will decide." This is extraordinary. A few weeks ago the
+decision would have rested with the newspapers.
+
+       ***
+
+There were 523 fewer books published last year than in the year
+before. This, we understand, is explained by the fact that Mr. CHARLES
+GARVICE and Mr. E. PHILLIPS OPPENHEIM each went to the theatre one
+night in the early autumn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I WISH MY HUSBAND HAD JOINED THEM PIVOTS INSTEAD OF
+THE FOOSILEERS. HE'D 'A' BEEN DEMOBILISED BY NOW."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REGULUS UP-TO-DATE.
+
+    "Traveller.--Wanted a pushing young man, to work through England
+    and Scotland in barrel hoops."--_Daily Telegraph._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To these manifestations the President raised his hat, his smiling
+    face indicating the measure of his pleasure at the leave-taking
+    with the British public."--_Daily Paper._
+
+One of the things that might perhaps have been expressed differently.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REDISTRIBUTION.
+
+  The Bolshevist plan to conciliate Labour
+  Is based on the maxim of Beggar your Neighbour,
+  With the glorious result, when they share out the loot,
+  That ev'ry one's sure of possessing _one_ boot.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RHYME OF THE "RIO GRANDE."
+
+  By Salthouse Dock as I did pass one day not long ago,
+  I chanced to meet a sailorman that once I used to know;
+  His eye it had a roving gleam, his step was light and gay,
+  He looked like one just in from sea to blow a nine months' pay;
+  And as he passed athwart my hawse he hailed me long and loud:
+  "Oh, find me now a full saloon where I may stand the crowd;
+  I'm out to rouse the town this night as any man may be
+  That's just come off a salvage job, my lad, the same as me....
+
+    "Bringin' home the _Rio Grande_, her as used to be
+    _Crack o' Moore_, Mackellar's Line, back in ninety-three;
+    First of all the 'Frisco fleet, home in ninety-eight,
+    Ninety days to Carrick Roads from the Golden Gate;
+    Thirty shellbacks used to have all their work to do
+    Hauling them big yards of hers, heaving of her to
+    Down off Dago Ramirez, where the big winds blow,
+    Bringin' home the _Rio Grande_ twenty years ago.
+
+  "We picked her up one morning homeward bound from Portland, Maine,
+  In a nine-knot grunting cargo tramp, by name the _Crown o' Spain_;
+  The day was breaking cold and dark and dirty as could be,
+  It was blowin' up for weather as we couldn't help but see.
+  Her crew was gone the Lord knows where--and Fritz had left her too;
+  He must have took a scare and quit afore his job was through;
+  We tried to pass a hawser, but it warn't no kind o' good,
+  So we put a salvage crew aboard to save her if we could....
+
+    "Bringin' home the _Rio Grande_ and her freight as well,
+    Half-a-score of steamboatmen cursin' her like hell,
+    Flounderin' in the flooded waist, scramblin' for a hold,
+    Hangin' on by teeth and toes, dippin' when she rolled;
+    Ginger Dan the donkeyman, Joe the 'doctor's' mate,
+    Lumpers off the water-front, greasers from the Plate,
+    That's the sort o' crowd we had to reef and steer and haul,
+    Bringin' home the _Rio Grande_--ship and freight and all.
+
+  "Our mate had served his time in sail, he was a bully boy,
+  It'd wake a corpse to hear him hail 'Foretopsail yard ahoy!'
+  He knew the ways o' squaresail and he knew the way to swear,
+  He'd got the habit of it here and there and everywhere;
+  He'd some samples from the Baltic and some more from Mozambique;
+  Chinook and Chink and double-Dutch and Mexican and Greek;
+  He'd a word or two in Russian, but he learned the best he'd got
+  Off a pious preachin' skipper--and he had to use the lot....
+
+    "Bringin' home the _Rio Grande_ in a seven-days' gale,
+    Seven days and seven nights, the same as JONAH'S whale,
+    Standard compass gone to bits, steering all adrift,
+    Courses split and mainmast sprung, cargo on the shift ...
+    Not a chart in all the ship left to steer her by,
+    Not a glimpse of star or sun in the bloomin' sky ...
+    Two men at the jury wheel, kickin' like a mule,
+    Bringin' home the _Rio Grande_ up to Liverpool.
+
+  "The seventh day off South Stack Light the sun began to shine;
+  Up come an Admiralty tug and offered us a line;
+  The mate he took the megaphone and leaned across the rail,
+  And this or something like it was the answer to her hail:
+  He'd take it very kindly if they'd tell us where we were,
+  And he hoped the War was going well, he'd got a brother there,
+  And he'd thought about their offer and he thanked them kindly too,
+  But since we'd brought her up so far, by God we'd see it through....
+
+    "Bringin' home the _Rio Grande_ (and we done it too),
+    Courses split and mainmast sprung--half a watch for crew--
+    Bringin' home the _Rio Grande_ and her freight as well,
+    Half-a-score of steamboatmen cursing her like hell--
+    Her as led the grain fleet home back in ninety-eight,
+    Ninety days to Carrick Roads from the Golden Gate--
+    Half-a-score of steamboatmen to steer and reef and haul,
+    Bringin' home the _Rio Grande_--ship and freight and all."
+
+  C.F.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HELPFUL HOME HINTS
+
+(_WITH ACKNOWLEDGMENTS TO THE WEEKLY PAPERS_).
+
+To keep moth from a haggis, sprinkle well with prussic acid or cayenne
+pepper. Repeat three times daily. (This method has never been known to
+fail.)
+
+An excellent germicide for wire-worm can be made with two parts
+carbolic acid and three parts castor-oil. Rub over the wire-worm with
+a soft rag and polish with a clean duster.
+
+To remove dust from whiskers, soak whiskers in paraffin or petrol for
+half-an-hour and singe gently with lighted taper.
+
+To clean a carpet, take a small wet tea-leaf and roll it well over the
+carpet. Then remove the tea-leaf and store in a dry place. Take the
+carpet to the cleaners and you will be surprised at the result.
+
+An excellent trousers press can be made in the following manner: Get
+the local monumental mason to supply you with two slabs of granite
+measuring about six feet by two feet and weighing about seven
+hundredweight each. Place the trousers on top of one block of granite,
+place the other block on top of the trousers and secure with a couple
+of book-straps. Finish off with blue ribbon.--AUNT SADIE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "America appealed to Ireland for help, and even sent a special
+    Ambassador--the great Abraham Lincoln--to this country to
+    state America's case before the Irish Parliament in the year
+    1771."--_Dublin Evening Mail_.
+
+American papers please copy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The ---- Chamber of Commerce have certainly made a capture in
+    securing the services of Bragadier-General ----, District Director
+    of the Ministry of Labour, for an address on 'Demobilisation and
+    the Activities of the Appointments Department of the left eye,
+    and after treatment was taken the Portsea Island Gas Company
+    offices."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+We had heard there was some trouble over demobilisation, but had no
+idea it was as bad as this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Arrangements are being made in all the stations throughout India
+    for the celebration of the signing of the armistice. In Simla the
+    Commander-in-Chief will be present at a parade on the Ridge
+    at 11.45 a.m., civilians in leaves dress assembling at
+    11.30."--_Times of India_.
+
+It is pleasant to note that the establishment of the armistice brought
+about an immediate return, in Simla at least, to the conditions of
+Paradise.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RUINS OF EMPIRE.
+
+SHADE OF BISMARCK. "I BUILT WITH BLOOD AND IRON, AND ONLY BLOOD
+REMAINS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NECROMANCERS.
+
+The other day, while I was out for a ride, I happened to run up
+against my two Chinese acquaintances, Ah Sin and Dam Li, and I stopped
+to have a chat with them. After the usual greetings Dam Li remarked:--
+
+"Hon'lable officer lookee too muchee sad."
+
+"Allee same like littlee dog when 'nother big dog stealum bone,"
+supplemented Ah Sin.
+
+"I wasn't aware of it," I said shortly, a little hurt at the
+comparison.
+
+"P'haps hon'lable officer losee lations allee same little dog,"
+suggested Dam Li.
+
+"Well," I admitted, "I _have_ lost something--at least the Mess has.
+Only it isn't rations; it's a milk-jug."
+
+This, our only article of plate, was a battered piece of
+treasure-trove salved from the ruins of a derelict village.
+
+Dam Li was all sympathy.
+
+"You talkee China boy. Him findum one time plenty quick," he announced
+confidently.
+
+"All right," I said; "only you won't get anything just for trying,
+mind. You'll have to succeed."
+
+"China boy no wantchee nothing," replied Dam Li reproachfully.
+
+"Him only wantchee officer smile allee same like dog waggee tail when
+lations come back," added Ah Sin by way of embroidery.
+
+"Thank you," I said gravely. "And when do you propose to start
+replacing my smile?"
+
+Apparently there was no time like the present, so back we went to the
+Mess and they set to work. Their opening move was somewhat startling,
+even to me who knew them of old.
+
+"Giveum China boy one piecee blead," commanded Dam Li.
+
+"What for?" I demurred.
+
+"China Boy eatum blead and talkee plenty good player [prayer]," said
+Ah Sin. "Then thief-man too muchee flighten' an' giveum back jug
+plenty dam quick."
+
+"But why should he be afraid?" I asked.
+
+Ah Sin was very patient with me.
+
+"Players plenty stlong language talkee," he said. "S'pose thief-man
+not giveum back jug, belly get plenty too muchee fat ..."
+
+"An' go bang allee same air-dlagon bomb," broke in Dam Li, rubbing his
+hands together at the prospect.
+
+"Very well, you may have your loaf," said I, capitulating; and then
+rashly I added, "Is there anything else you'd like?"
+
+"Beer makee players plenty much worser for thief-man," said Ah Sin
+ingratiatingly.
+
+In the end I produced the beer as well as the bread and the
+incantations commenced. They consisted in getting outside my bread and
+beer, and in filling the intervals between mouthfuls with a copious
+barrage of Chinese, occasional prostrations and a considerable amount
+of laughter. This last aroused my suspicions and I asked what it
+meant.
+
+"Thief-man keepee plenty big pain here," explained Dam Li, indicating
+the region to which the bread and beer had by now all descended. "Him
+topside mad this minute."
+
+"Giveum back jug to-mollow," prophesied Ah Sin. "China boy come an'
+see," he added as he got up to go.
+
+The morrow arrived and so did the Chinamen, but not the milk-jug. This
+seemed to cause Ah Sin and Dam Li the greatest surprise.
+
+"Thief-man No. 1 stlong man," asserted the former.
+
+"Wantchee extla double-lation players," agreed his companion.
+
+"Hon'lable officer giveum China boy 'nother piece blead," suggested Ah
+Sin.
+
+"An' baer," added Dam Li hastily.
+
+Nosing an obvious conspiracy I at first refused. However I at length
+gave way on the understanding that there was on no account to be a
+third imposition. The rites of the day before were thereupon repeated.
+
+When they were over Dam Li suddenly professed himself to be inspired.
+
+"China boy seeum jug," he announced.
+
+"Where?" I asked.
+
+"Seeum box, plenty too muchee big," Dam Li went on in sepulchral
+tones; "jug inside box."
+
+Ah Sin now joined in.
+
+"Where isum box?" he asked excitedly.
+
+"No savvy," replied Dam Li, shaking his head.
+
+Ah Sin gazed wildly around. Seeing a box in the distance he rushed at
+it. Dam Li waved him back.
+
+"That box no dam use," he stated.
+
+Ah Sin tried again.
+
+"P'haps him in dirty box," he suggested.
+
+Dam Li rolled his eyes inwards, as one who consulted an oracle within.
+
+"Jug inside dirty box," he agreed ultimately, pointing in its
+direction.
+
+"Oh, in the dust-bin," I said. "Well, there's no harm in looking."
+
+So look we did, and there, sure enough, it was. I picked it out and
+did some quick thinking.
+
+"Now, when did you two ruffians put it there?" I asked sternly.
+
+"Thief-man put it there," protested Dam Li, with a magnificent look of
+injured innocence.
+
+"I know," said I. "Come on, now, tell me why you stole it, and, as
+you've brought it back again, I _may_ let you off."
+
+"China boy's lations too muchee few, him plenty hungly," said Ah Sin,
+seeing that the game was up.
+
+"S'pose him sellum jug, buy plenty beer," confided Dam Li
+unblushingly.
+
+"But hon'lable officer lookee too muchee sad, so China boy dam solly.
+Fetchee back jug," resumed Ah Sin.
+
+As I had often gone out of my way to do the pair a good turn I was
+naturally pained at their ingratitude. Taking the jug, I turned away
+in silence and left them. Ah Sin pursued me.
+
+"Hon'lable officer likee jug?" he asked.
+
+Dam Li, who had followed, answered for me.
+
+"Likee jug allee same China boy likee lations," he explained.
+
+"An' China boy gottee lations, blead an' beer, allee same hon'lable
+officer gottee jug," continued Ah Sin.
+
+"Then what more can wantchee?" concluded Dam Li triumphantly.
+
+I surrendered unconditionally.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOOD-BYE, AUSTRALIANS!
+
+  Through the Channel's drift and toss
+    Swift your homing transports churn;
+  Soon for you the Southron Cross
+    High above your bows shall burn;
+  Soon beyond the rolling Bight
+  Gleam the Leeuwin's lance of light.
+
+  Rich reward your hearts shall hold,
+    None less dear if long delayed,
+  For with gifts of wattle-gold
+    Shall your country's debt be paid;
+  From her sunlight's golden store
+  She shall heal your hurts of war.
+
+  Ere the mantling Channel mist
+    Dim your distant decks and spars,
+  And your flag that victory kissed
+    And Valhalla hung with stars--
+  Crowd and watch our signal fly:
+  "Gallant hearts, good-bye! _Good-bye_!"
+
+  W.H.O.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ALIENS IN OUR MIDST.
+
+    "But most of the people aboard that car, if they had been
+    truthfully outspoken, would probably have said, 'Dem's my
+    sentiments.'"--_Evening Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MARK OF CENTENARIAN.
+
+    "Mrs. Rachel ----, a former resident of this city, was the guest
+    of honor at a dinner served yesterday at her son's home in
+    Wilkinsburg, the occasion being the 92nd anniversary of her birth.
+    Mrs. ---- was born in Somerset County and resided in this city
+    before the flood."--_American Paper_.
+
+At first we thought the headline a little previous, but the last
+sentence shows that it is, on the contrary, decidedly belated.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Indignant Patriot_ (_to Local Food Committee_). "I
+WISH TO REPORT THAT THERE'S A GROCER IN THIS TOWN WHO IS SELLING
+BUTTER, SUGAR AND JAM WITHOUT COUPONS. HE--"
+
+_Food Committee_ (_as one man, ecstatically_). "WHICH IS HIS SHOP?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOMETHING LIKE "LITERARY GOSSIP"!
+
+Are you not, dear reader, a little tired of what is called "Literary
+Gossip"? Be frank. Aren't you? And have you not sometimes longed even
+more to know what the industrious fellows were not writing than what
+they were?
+
+But suppose we could come across an authentic column like this?
+
+Mr. KIPLING is putting the finishing touches to a new Jungle book.
+The first and second Jungle books have waited too long for this new
+companion; but it is now on its way. A friend of the author, who has
+been privileged to see an early copy, says that it is full of all the
+old enchantment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Burwash correspondent informs us that, not content with the
+re-incarnation of _Mowgli_, Mr. KIPLING has completed a new romance of
+wandering life in India, not unlike _Kim_ in treatment, to be entitled
+_The Great Trunk Road_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An album has just come to light, the value of which is beyond
+computation. On the faded leaves of this book, which once belonged to
+Fanny Brawne, are inscribed three new poems in KEATS'S own hand. Not
+mere album verses, but poems of the highest importance, equal to rank
+to the Odes to the Grecian Urn and the Nightingale. The book itself
+will be sold by auction next week, but meanwhile the poems are to be
+issued in pamphlet form by Sir SIDNEY COLVIN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An enterprising firm of publishers announces for immediate publication
+a volume by President WILSON, entitled _From White House to Buckingham
+Palace_. This work is in the form of a diary of singular frankness,
+and it contains some vivid accounts of conversations as well as the
+writer's honest opinion of some of the most prominent personages of
+the moment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Admirers of O. HENRY will be excited to hear that a bundle of MS.
+stories in his best vein, some seventy-five all told (and how told!),
+has been discovered in a cupboard in one of his old lodgings: much
+as the manuscript of TENNYSON'S _In Memoriam_ was found in his
+rooms in Mornington Crescent. How it happened that the historian
+of the joys and sorrows, the comedies and tragedies, of little old
+Baghdad-on-the-Subway neglected to send these tales to editors
+we shall never know, but he was always erratic. The book will be
+published at once, both in America and England.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+After an interval of several years--far too many--Sir JAMES BARRIE has
+finished a new novel. With his customary reticence he withholds both
+the title and the subject; but the important thing is that the book is
+at the binders.
+
+Having read those announcements I succumbed to precedent and woke up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ARTFUL APPEAL.
+
+From a Japanese business circular:--
+
+    "Ladies and Gentlemen,--Congratulating upon the great victory
+    of our Allies, we want to supply you Water Colour Pictures and
+    Antique Prints fresh and much selected subjects painted by the
+    most famous artists in Japan; so we long to have the honour to
+    receive your favourable inspection and enjoy yourselves with
+    triumphing victory for Our Lord's blessing in X'mas time."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Surely with all the wars and rumours of wars all over the world,
+    a little mare tact could have been displayed by the powers that
+    be to keep the peace in the very centre of a British
+    Protectorate."--_Leader (East Africa)_.
+
+The quality desired would appear to be the East African equivalent of
+horse sense.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE REPRISALS.
+
+That ass Ellis is a poor creature, and, like the poor, he is always
+with me. I think he is a punishment inflicted upon me for some past
+error.
+
+A short time ago I caught the "flu." Naturally the first person I
+suspected was Ellis, but I am bound to confess that I have not been
+able to prove it. Indeed, when he followed me to hospital two days
+later and was put in the next bed, I felt justified in exonerating him
+altogether.
+
+The first remark that he made, when he reached that stage of the
+complaint where you feel like making remarks, illustrates just the
+kind of man he is. He accused _me_ of giving the thing to _him_!
+
+I answered his outburst with the scorn it deserved.
+
+"Preposterous," I said.
+
+I added a few apposite remarks, to which he responded as best he
+could. But, medically speaking, I was two days senior to him, so
+that when the Sister heard the uproar and bustled up it was he who
+was forbidden to speak. She then proceeded to clinch the matter by
+inserting a thermometer in his mouth. I defy any man to argue under
+such a handicap.
+
+I finished all I had to say and relapsed into an expectant silence.
+The Sister returned after a time, read the instrument and retired
+without a word. As she passed my bed I saw out of the corner of my
+eye that Ellis was watching feverishly. An inspiration seized me. I
+stopped her, and in a low voice asked if she had fed her rabbits.
+Sister isn't allowed to keep rabbits, but she does. As I hoped, she
+put a finger to her lips, nodded and walked away.
+
+"Poor old man," I murmured vaguely to the ward in general. "A
+hundred-and-seven and still rising! Poor old Ellis!"
+
+Ellis gave a little moan and collapsed under the bedclothes.
+
+An hour later Burnett went his round. Burnett isn't the doctor, at
+least not the official one. I must tell you something about Burnett.
+
+He is the grandfather of the ward. Though quite a young man he
+has grown fat through long lying in bed. He entered hospital, I
+understand, towards the end of 1914, suffering from influenza. Since
+then he has had a nibble at every imaginable disease, not to mention a
+number of imaginary ones as well. Regularly four times a day he would
+waddle round the ward in his dingy old dressing-gown, discussing
+symptoms with every cot. In exchange for your helping of pudding he
+would take your temperature and let you know the answer, and for
+a bunch of grapes he would tell you the probable course of your
+complaint and the odds against complete recovery. No one seemed to
+interfere with him. You see, Burnett was no longer a case; he was an
+institution.
+
+He spent a long time by Ellis's bedside. I suspect Ellis wasn't
+feeling much like pudding at the moment. I couldn't hear very well
+what was going on, but Ellis was chattering as only Ellis can, and the
+comfortable Burnett was apparently soothing him with an occasional
+"All right, old man. I'll see what I can do for you."
+
+At length the grapes were all consumed and the huge form of Burnett
+loomed above me.
+
+"Why, Mr. L----," said the soothing voice, "I don't want to alarm you,
+but really--"
+
+"Really what?" I cried, starting up in bed at the gravity of his tone.
+
+"Well, you know--your colour; I perhaps--"
+
+He fumbled in the folds of his voluminous gown and produced a small
+metal mirror. Then he seemed to change his mind and put it back again.
+
+"I'd better not," he said softly to himself, and then louder to me,
+"Have you got a wife--or perhaps a mother?"
+
+I am no coward, but I confess I was trembling by this time.
+
+"Why?" I cried. "Do you think I ought to send for them?"
+
+"Send for them?" he echoed. "_Send for them?_ And you in the grip of
+C.S.M.! It would be sheer madness--murder!"
+
+The cold sweat stood out upon my brow but I kept my head.
+
+"Have an apple, won't you, Mr. Burnett?"
+
+He selected the largest and began to munch it in silence--silence,
+that is, as far as talking was concerned.
+
+"Tell me," I stammered; "wh--what is C.S.M.? And may I have a look at
+myself?"
+
+He cogitated. "Shall I?" he muttered. "Yes, I think he ought to know."
+Then quite quietly, accompanied by the core of the apple, there fell
+from his lips the fatal words "Cerebro-spinal meningitis."
+
+At the same time he handed me the glass and selected the next best
+apple.
+
+I looked at myself. My hair stood straight on end; my face was
+whitish-yellow, my eyes blazed with unmistakable fever. A three-days'
+beard enhanced the horrible effect.
+
+"Have you any pain--there?" One of his large soft hands gripped my
+side and pinched it hard, the other selected the third best apple.
+
+"Yes," I groaned, "I _had_ pain there."
+
+"Ah!" he shook his head. "And there?" He sat down heavily on my right
+ankle. He is a ponderous man.
+
+"Agony," I moaned.
+
+"Ah! And something throbbing like a gong in the brain?" he inquired,
+tapping me on the head with the metal mirror.
+
+I nodded dumbly. He rose, shrugging his shoulders.
+
+"All the symptoms, I'm afraid. That's just how it took poor old
+Simpson. He had this very cot--let me see, back in '16, I suppose.
+I had it very slightly afterwards--it was touch and go; I was the
+only one they pulled through--but I only had it _very_ slightly, you
+understand--not like that. But cheer up, old man. I've been told that
+a fellow got through it in the next ward--of course he's an idiot now,
+but he didn't _die_. I don't suppose you'll be wanting the rest of
+these apples, will you? All right, don't mention it;" and he passed on
+to the next cot.
+
+When the proper doctor came round a few minutes later (Burnett says)
+he found his own thermometer quite inadequate and had to borrow the
+one that registers the heat of the ward. When he took it out of my
+mouth it wasn't far short of boiling-point, and he wrote straight off
+to _The Lancet_ about it; also they had to get one of those lightning
+calculator chaps down to count my pulse.
+
+Long before I came to, Ellis had been discharged, the ward had filled
+up with fresh cases (except Burnett, of course), and the armistice had
+been signed.
+
+When I was well enough they handed me a letter which Ellis had left
+for me.
+
+"DEAR L----" (it ran),--"Yes, the rabbits have had their food. The
+biggest of them swallowed it all most satisfactorily.
+
+"Your loving ELLIS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "AND I SUPPOSE YOU WILL BE DEMOBILISED AS SOON AS YOU
+GET OUT OF HOSPITAL?"
+
+"OH, NO, MUM. YOU SEE, I WAS A SOLDIER IN CIVVY LIFE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Hostess_. "WHAT! GOING ALREADY, DEARS? IT'S VERY
+EARLY."
+
+_Little Girl_. "YES--WE HAVE TO GO ON TO ANOTHER PARTY. WE'RE SORRY,
+BUT--YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS AT THIS TIME OF THE YEAR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHAKSPEARE on not the least surprising of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S
+appointments:--
+
+  "How now, Woolsack? what mutter you?"
+            _I. Henry IV._, ii. 4, 148.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER HEATHEN CHINEE.
+
+We were discussing "slim" practices and the prevalence of the basic
+desire to get something for nothing.
+
+"If honesty," said one of the company, "is truly the best policy, then
+there is a surfeit of the worst politician."
+
+"Yes," said another, "and not only in the West. I assure you, speaking
+as the director of an insurance concern in Shanghai, that you have no
+monopoly in inventive chicanery. Insurance people must always be on
+their guard, but never more so than among the guileless Celestials. I
+can give you a case in point. Not long ago we received a visit from
+the wife of one of our policy-holders, saying that her husband was
+dead and claiming the money.
+
+"'Certainly,' we said, 'the payment will be made, but only after the
+usual investigations,' and sent her back to her village. It is not
+that we were more suspicious of her than of anyone else, but such
+formalities are essential. In this case they turned out to be
+peculiarly necessary, for her husband was no more dead than you are.
+
+"When she got back to him and explained that there is always 'a catch
+somewhere' in the insurance business, he took alarm. A prosecution
+might be awkward, and at any cost must be evaded. He therefore
+played a masterly card by writing the company a personal letter of
+explanation, which he pretended was despatched before his wife's
+return. The original is in Chinese, but I have an English translation
+in my pocket-book."
+
+The pursuit of odd examples of the epistolary art being one of the
+principal occupations of my life, I secured a copy of the document,
+which in English runs thus:--
+
+    "_To the ---- Insurance Company_, _Shanghai_.
+
+    "DEAR SIR,--When I died of a disease that came on suddenly an
+    intelligent doctor was at once asked for. He forced some fluid
+    into my mouth and made some injection on my body. He thus
+    succeeded in bringing me to life again.
+
+    "The beneficiary came to your place yesterday. What did she say?
+    Everything will be discussed after her return.
+
+    "Kindly give me your valuable assistance and reply by post.
+
+    "Yours faithfully, TSIN KOH."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOSHUA.
+
+On July 1st, 1916, the regiment, in company with several other
+regiments and sundry pieces of ordnance, attacked the Hun in the
+neighbourhood of the river Somme. A fortnight later the officers of
+B Company found themselves in a dug-out in a certain wood. It is now
+time to introduce Joshua.
+
+Joshua was at that time our junior subaltern, and we called him Joshua
+after Sir JOSHUA REYNOLDS, on account of his artistic attainments,
+though portraits by the hand of our Joshua tended rather more in the
+direction of caricature than those I have seen by his illustrious
+namesake. Upon the wall of that dug-out in that wood, for instance,
+was displayed a crude though unmistakable portrait of our revered
+Brigadier, a fact of which we were but too conscious when our revered
+Brigadier paid us one night an unexpected visit.
+
+A short conversation ensued, during which the Brigadier gave rein to
+a reprehensible passion he had for inquiring into the _vie intime_ of
+junior officers. Just as he was leaving he turned to Joshua.
+
+"Why do they call you 'Joshua'?" he asked. Joshua hesitated. His eyes
+rested for an infinitesimal moment on the portrait on the wall, then
+on the face of the Brigadier. He cursed me inwardly (as he told me
+afterwards) for having addressed him by this name in such strident
+tones just as the Brigadier was entering the dug-out; but for the
+credit of the British Officer I am happy to say that Joshua kept his
+head and showed that ready wit in an emergency which is the soldier's
+greatest virtue.
+
+"Well, Sir," he said, "I--I think it's because JOSHUA was a great
+warrior."
+
+"Ah, I hadn't thought of that," said the Brigadier as he took his
+departure, while I subsided in a fainting condition on to the floor of
+the dug-out and asked for brandy.
+
+That night Joshua stopped a piece of shell with his head. We managed
+to get him back, but I did not like the look of him and I quite
+thought that his number was up. Before we pushed on next day I took
+down the portrait of the Brigadier and slipped it into my pocket-book.
+I had liked old Joshua well, and I thought I would keep this as a
+memento not only of his art but of his ability in spontaneous untruth.
+
+That was, as I have said, in 1916. Much water had flowed between the
+banks of the river Somme before, in August, 1918, Joshua and I found
+ourselves in that neighbourhood once more.
+
+But we did find ourselves there, for Joshua's head had proved tougher
+than we thought, and with an enthusiasm beyond praise he had recently
+wangled his return to the old regiment from a cushy Base job, and was
+helping to hasten what we hoped and firmly believed was Fritz's final
+"strategical retirement."
+
+We had had three strenuous days, and now, while others carried on the
+good work, we were resting by chance in that very wood of which I have
+already spoken. I wandered forth at eventide over the familiar ground,
+which had lain for some time well within the German lines, and came
+suddenly upon the entrance to our old dug-out! I went down into it
+and found that, apart from a litter of empty ration-tins, it was
+unaltered. Then suddenly I bethought me of the caricature which still
+lay in my pocket-book. I had never told Joshua that I had kept it. It
+seemed a maudlin thing to have done and moreover might have given him
+an exaggerated idea of my opinion of his art. I took out the picture
+and looked at it. It had weathered two years of warfare fairly well.
+Then with an indelible pencil I scrawled below it--
+
+    "_Sehr gute Bilde. F. Biermeister, 3 Preuss. Gard,_"
+
+a hazy recollection of school-German leading me to believe that "_Sehr
+gute Bilde_" meant "Very good picture." Then I pinned it up on the
+wall and went in search of Joshua.
+
+"Do you remember that dug-out we used two years ago?" I asked when I
+had found him.
+
+"I do," said Joshua. "It was there that I told old Turnips I was
+called Joshua after the O.C. Israelites at Jericho."
+
+"That's the place," said I. "It's somewhere round here." And I led him
+unostentatiously in the right direction.
+
+"There it is," he cried. "It all comes back to me. Got a flash-lamp?"
+
+He disappeared below and I sat down and waited--waited for sounds of
+astonishment and joy from the bowels of the earth. But I waited in
+vain. Silence reigned. Then Joshua's head was thrust upwards.
+
+"Biermeister!" he called. "You, Biermeister of the 3rd Prussian Guard,
+come away below here! There is one, Sir Joshua Reynolds, an artist,
+would have a word with you."
+
+I shook my head sadly. Another of my little jokes had proved a dud.
+But I did not go below. Joshua is so rough sometimes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SICCIS OCULIS.
+
+  To weep for the fallen who saved us is meet,
+    But it causes no kind of surprise
+  That RAMSAY MacDONALD'S and SNOWDEN'S defeat
+    Has dried many millions of eyes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PIVOTAL INDUSTRIES.
+
+_Sergeant_. "LET YOUR 'AIR GROW ON SICK LEAVE, 'AVE YER, LITTLE
+GOLDILOCKS? THAT AIN'T NO GOOD; YOU'RE TOO LATE TO BE DEMOBILISED FOR
+THE PANTOMIMES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THAT "DEMOBILISED" FEELING.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WEARY TITAN.
+
+  Weary of the labours of war-winning--
+    Downing mandarins in Downing Street,
+  Fixing brands of CAIN upon the sinning,
+    Bingeing up the Army and the Fleet;
+  Weary of dislodging Kings and Kaisers,
+    Wearier of his friends than of his foes,
+  Prompted by his medical advisers
+    He has wandered South to seek repose.
+
+  There to ease his cranial distension
+    He will lead the simple life, incog.,
+  Far from international dissension
+    Or upheavals of the under-dog;
+  Leaving all unread his weekly _Hansard_,
+    Studying only novels at his meals,
+  Leaving correspondence all unanswered,
+    Deaf to FOCH'S passionate appeals.
+
+  There, no longer rashly overtasking
+    Powers impaired by superhuman strain,
+  But amid exotic foliage basking,
+    He will rest his monumental brain,
+  Till refreshed, daemonic and defiant,
+    Clad in dazzling amaranthine sheen,
+  He emerges like a godlike giant
+    Once again to dominate the scene.
+
+  There, recumbent in a chair with rockers,
+    Oft will he indulge in forty winks,
+  Or, attired in well-cut knickerbockers,
+    Decorate the landscape on the links;
+  Or, with arms upon his bosom folded,
+    He will stand as motionless as bronze,
+  While his features, classically moulded,
+    Hourly grow more like NAPOLEON'S.
+
+  What the Conference will do without him
+    Hardly can we venture to surmise;
+  Delegates who would not dare to flout him
+    Manifest their joy without disguise.
+  Freed from his relentless catechizing
+    WILSON goes out golfing all the day;
+  Printers, save for common advertising,
+    Sadly put their pica type away.
+
+  Still, although this act of self-seclusion
+    May create irreparable schism,
+  Whelm the Conference in dire confusion
+    And produce a cosmic cataclysm;
+  Let us, musing on his past achievement,
+    Bear with calm our soul-consuming grief
+  And condole in their supreme bereavement
+    With his Staff, deserted by their Chief.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "COWS, PIGS, ETC.
+
+    "GIRL (15), leaving school, desires position in nice office or
+    bank."--_Local Paper_.
+
+Much virtue in "etc."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mrs. Wilson waved her bouquet of orchards in salutation."--_Local
+    Paper._
+
+So there is every reason to believe that the PRESIDENT'S visit was not
+fruitless.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "No one under 4ft. 9in. has any chance of securing admission to
+    the London police."--_Cork Constitution_.
+
+This will be a blow to some of our "bantams."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Whether the rest of the journey be long or short, he would follow
+    the same paths and continue to stand up for righteousness and
+    liberty for the memocracy of this country."--_Scotsman_.
+
+Is this another name for the woman's vote?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Telegraph Department notify that the delay in ordinary
+    traffic to Madras is now normal."--_Indian Paper_.
+
+In confirmation of the accuracy of the above statement an Indian
+correspondent writes that telegrams now reach their destination nearly
+as soon as letters.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WAR-TIME COMRADESHIP.
+
+_Charlady_ (_"obliging" for the afternoon in the absence of all other
+domestic help_). "WELL, I'M OFF NOW. GOOD NIGHT, ALL."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CONFESSION.
+
+TO THE RESIDENTS OF CHISWICK MALL.
+
+  There is a race of gentle folk
+    Who dwell in Chiswick, well content
+  In houses aged as the oak,
+    But not unpleasing at the rent;
+  They look across the sunny stream
+    As Dr. JOHNSON used to look,
+  And all their lives are one long dream,
+    Though _none_ of them has got a cook,
+  And there are whispers in the camp,
+  "It's jolly, but it _is_ so damp."
+
+  But they are _not_ exciting. No;
+    And you would find that Chiswick Mall
+  At half-past nine at night or so
+    Is far from being Bacchanal;
+  For, though there come from Chiswick Eyot
+    Soft sounds of something going on
+  Where the wild herons congregate
+    And revel madly with the swan,
+  You might suppose the people dead.
+  You mustn't; they have gone to bed.
+
+  No extra forces of police
+    Were needed here at Armistice;
+  No little European Peace
+    Could tamper with a peace like this.
+  Yet on the Eve of this New Year
+    A strange degrading thing occurred;
+  A startled Chiswick woke to hear
+    Such noise as she has never heard,
+  The sound of dance and singing at
+  About eleven. O my hat!
+
+  Yes, it was bad. But what is worse
+    They know not yet who broke the code,
+  And the dread Chiswick Fathers' curse
+    Still hovers sadly, unbestowed
+  Nay, there are wild false tales about
+    And hideous accusations made;
+  Men say old Piper led the rout
+    With that young fellow from "The Glade,"
+  While old maids murmur with a tear,
+  "I'm told it was the Rector, dear."
+
+  And since I would not see this shame
+    Be fastened on to guiltless men,
+  And hear that there are those who blame
+    The Editor at Number 10,
+  As having found the evil ones
+    And harboured them in his abode
+  And, after stimulants and buns,
+    Dragooned them, shouting, down the road
+  And carried on till two or three--
+  I say, O spare him; _it was ME!_
+
+  A.P.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lord Robert Cecil, who has been appointed to take charge of
+    League of Notions questions at the peace conference."--_Provincial
+    Paper_.
+
+We don't like this cynicism.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "There is a 'suave qui peut' at the underground stations during
+    the busiest hours."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+Personally we had not noticed it, being more struck (in the tenderer
+portions of our anatomy) by the "fortiter in re."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.
+
+    "The ---- Mosquito Destroyer Coil. 1s. Perfectly Safe for
+    mosquitoes."--_Advt. in Burmese Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MORE LATE TRAINS. IMPROVED SERVICE ON G.E.R."--_Times_.
+
+An aggrieved East Anglian writes to know how the trains can be made
+later than they are.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WELCOME TO PRESIDENT WILSON,
+    HONOURED CHIEF OF THE GREAT AMERICAN DEMOCRACY,
+
+    "To which we are attached by traditional lies."--_Headline in
+    Italian Paper_.
+
+Once more _tradditore_ has turned _traditore._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At the doorway stood a Red Cross doctor, hypodermic needle in
+    hand, ready to administer an injunction to relieve sufferers of
+    their pain."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+We thought it was only lawyers who believed in the tranquillizing
+effect of an injunction.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "FOR SALE.--A Chest C.B. Gelding. Aged 41/2 years. Height 14 feet
+    3 inches, Veterinary Certificate of soundness. Schooled since
+    August. Very promising pony all round. Nice surefooted fencer.
+    Price Rs. 650. Apply to Brigadier-General ----."--_Indian Paper_.
+
+We gather that whatever he may have done in the past the gallant
+officer does not intend to "ride the high horse" any longer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE WORLD'S DESIRE.
+
+PEACE (_outside the Allied Conference Chamber_). "I KNOW I SHALL HAVE
+TO WAIT FOR A WHILE; BUT I DO HOPE THEY WON'T TALK TOO MUCH."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mabel_ (_on seeing some shoes of war-time quality
+newly-arrived on approval_). "MUMMIE, ARE THEY _REAL_ CARDBOARD?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OPIUM HOUND.
+
+Philip is a solicitor whose solicitations are confined to Hongkong and
+the Far East generally. Just now he is also a special constable, for
+the duration. He is other things as well, but the above should serve
+as a general introduction.
+
+In his capacity as special constable he keeps an eagle eye upon the
+departing river steamers and the passengers purposing to travel in
+them, his idea being to detect them in the act of attempting to export
+opium without a permit, one of the deadly sins.
+
+A little while ago Philip came into the possession of a dog of
+doubtful ancestry and antecedents, but reputed to be intelligent.
+It was called "Little Willie" because of its marked tendency to the
+predatory habit. His other leading characteristic was an inordinate
+craving for Punter's "Freak" biscuits.
+
+One day Philip had a brain-wave. "I will teach Little Willie," he
+said, "to smell out opium concealed in passengers' luggage, and I
+shall acquire merit and the Superintendent of Imports and Exports
+will acquire opium." So he borrowed some opium from that official and
+concealed it about the house and in his office, and by-and-by what was
+required of him seemed to dawn on Little Willie, and every time he
+found a _cache_ of the drug he was rewarded with a Punter's "Freak"
+biscuit.
+
+At last his education was pronounced to be complete and Philip marched
+proudly down to the Canton wharf with the Opium Hound. There was a
+queue of passengers waiting to be allowed on board, and the ceremony
+of the examination of their baggage was going on. Little Willie was
+invited to take a hand, which he did in a rather perfunctory way,
+without any real interest in the proceedings. Indeed, his attention
+wandered to the doings of certain disreputable friends of his who had
+come down to the wharf in a spirit of curiosity, and Philip had to
+recall him to the matter in hand.
+
+On a sudden a wonderful change came over the Opium Hound. A highly
+respectable old lady of the _amah_ or domestic servant class came
+confidently along, carrying the customary round lacquered wooden box,
+a neat bundle and a huge umbrella. She was followed by a ragged coolie
+bearing a plethoric basket, lashed with a stout rope, but bulging
+in all directions. Little Willie sniffed once at the basket and
+stiffened. "Good dog," said Philip; "is that opium you have found?"
+The hound's tail wagged furiously, and he scratched at the basket in a
+paroxysm of excitement. The coolie dropped it and ran away. The _amah_
+waxed voluble and attacked Little Willie with the family umbrella. The
+hound grew more and more enthusiastic for the quest. Philip issued the
+fiat, "Open that basket, it contains opium," and struck an attitude.
+
+The basket was solemnly unlashed amid the _amah's_ shrill
+expostulations, and the contents soon flowed out upon the floor of the
+examination-hut. There was the usual conglomeration: Two pairs working
+trousers (blue cotton), two ditto jackets to match, one suit silk
+brocade for high days and holidays, two white aprons, three pairs
+Chinese shoes, three and a half pairs of Mississy's silk stockings,
+several mysterious under garments (from the same source); one
+cigarette tin containing sewing materials, buttons of all sorts and
+sizes nine empty cotton-reels, three spools from a sewing-machine, one
+pair nail-scissors (broken); one cigar-box containing several yards
+of tape (varying widths), cuttings of many different materials,
+one button-hook, one tin-opener and corkscrew combined, one silver
+thimble, one ditto (horn), one Chinese pipe; one packet of tea, one
+ditto sugar, one tin condensed milk (unopened), half a loaf of bread
+(very stale), two empty medicine bottles--but no opium!
+
+Little Willie was nearly delirious by this time, and tried to get into
+the basket, which was now all but empty. The search continued, and two
+rolls of material were lifted out: five and a quarter yards of white
+calico and three yards of pink silk. This exposed the bottom of the
+basket, where lay a tin! Ah, the opium at last. Philip stepped forward
+and prised off the lid triumphantly.
+
+The contents consisted solely of Punter's "Freak" biscuits.
+
+Little Willie has been dismissed from his position as Opium
+Sleuth-hound.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FAVOURED UNIFORM.
+
+_Indignant Lady_. "I SUPPOSE _I'D_ HAVE HAD A CHANCE IF I'D HAD
+BREECHES ON."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.
+
+    "For Sale, owing to ill-health, Pedigree Flemish Stock."--_Daily
+    Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE EXODUS.
+
+  Like the last rose of Summer
+    I'm left quite alone;
+  All my blooming companions
+    To Paris are flown--
+  Three daughters, two brothers,
+    Two sons and a niece
+  Have all gone to Paris
+    To speed up the Peace.
+
+  'Tis just the same story
+    Wherever I go,
+  There's hardly a soul left
+    For running the show--
+  Five thousand officials,
+    Not counting police,
+  Have all gone to Paris
+    To speed up the Peace.
+
+  There's calm in the City,
+    A hush in Whitehall--
+  A thousand fair typists
+    Have answered the call.
+  Henceforward their clicking
+    In London will cease--
+  They've all gone to Paris
+    To speed up the Peace.
+
+      P.S.
+  An expert accountant.
+    Has worked out the cost
+  Of the keep of officials
+    Who've recently crossed.
+  It must be Three Millions;
+    Mayhap 'twill increase
+  If the delegates dally
+    In speeding up Peace.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "THE THAMES RISING.
+
+    "LONDON MILK SUPPLY THREATENED."--_Pall Mall Gazette_.
+
+A surprising change of affairs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sprats in South London are 21/2 lb. a lb."--_Continental Daily
+    Mail_.
+
+This may explain why our fishmonger's price is 21/2 shillings a
+shillingsworth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The story of an ingenious robbery by three young boys was told to
+    the Stockport magistrates to-day.
+
+    "The magistrates ordered them to receive the birch, usual
+    way.--Reuter."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+It was kind of Reuter to add this detail.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It is understood an order has been issued for the demobilisation
+    of men called to the Colours under the last Military Service Act
+    after they had attained the age of 441."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+There can't be very many of them; still it is good to know that the
+authorities have made a beginning.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Knight-Errant._ "MY DEAR LADY, I HAVE THE
+HAPPINESS OF RESCUING YOU FROM A GREAT PERIL."
+
+_The Lady (indignantly)._ "HOW DARE YOU ADDRESS ME, SIR, WITHOUT A
+PROPER INTRODUCTION?"
+
+_The Knight-Errant._ "MADAM, IF YOU HAD SPOKEN SOONER I WOULD HAVE
+ASKED OUR FRIEND HERE TO FULFIL THAT NECESSARY SOCIAL OBLIGATION."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO DINE WISELY--BUT NOT TOO WELL.
+
+We are exceedingly pleased to note that our contemporary, _The Pall
+Mall Gazette_, preaches frugality in the most practical manner
+by providing a daily _menu_ card, with helpful comments on the
+preparation of the viands. The time for an unrestricted dietary is
+still far off, and it is a work of national importance to encourage
+the thrifty use of what our contemporary calls "left-overs." Herein
+we are only following ancient and honourable precedent, one of the
+earliest lyrics in the language informing us that
+
+  "What they did not eat that day
+  The Queen next morning fried."
+
+Our only fault with the _P.M.G._'s _chef_ is that he is inclined
+to err on the side of generosity. The dinner for January 6th, for
+instance, is composed of no fewer than four dishes, of which only one
+is a "left-over." The bill of fare opens with "Kipper meat on toast";
+it proceeds with a fine _crescendo_ to "Beef _a la jardiniere_,"
+followed by "Fried macaroni," and declining gracefully on "Cabinet
+pudding."
+
+"Left-over meat," as our contemporary remarks, "is more of a problem
+nowadays than ever before, for, being generally imported, it is not
+so tender as the pre-war home-grown meat to begin with, and the
+small amounts that can be saved from the rationed joint rarely seem
+sufficient for another meal." An excellent plan, therefore, would be
+to provide all the members of the family with magnifying-glasses. It
+is easy to believe a thing to be large when it looks large. Also there
+is great virtue in calling a thing by a nutritious name. "Kipper on
+toast" is not nearly so rich in carbohydrates, calories and aplanatic
+amygdaloids as "Kipper _meat_." As for the preparation of "left-overs"
+in such a way as to render them both appetising and palatable, "all
+that need be done is to add a few vegetables and cook them over
+again." And herein, as our instructor most luminously observes, "lies
+one solution of the problem of quantity, for the amount of vegetables
+used, if not the meat, can be measured by the size of the family
+appetite." Once more the wisdom of the ancients comes to our help,
+for, as it has been said, "the less you eat the hungrier you are, and
+the hungrier you are the more you eat. Therefore the less you eat the
+more you eat." The instructions for the preparation of a sauce for the
+"Beef _a la jardiniere_" seem to us rather lavish. It is suggested
+that we should give the whole a good brown colour by dissolving in
+it "a teaspoonful of any beef extract." Walnut juice is just as
+effective. If the "left-over" is made of "silver-side," the silver
+should be carefully extracted and sent to the Mint. The choice of the
+vegetables must of course depend on the idiosyncrasies of the family.
+In the best families the prejudice against parsnips is sometimes
+ineradicable. But if chopped up with kitten meat and onions their
+intrinsic savour is largely disguised. Fried macaroni, as the _P.M.G.
+chef_ remarks in an inspired passage, is delicious if properly
+prepared with hot milk and quickly fried in hot fat. But, on the other
+hand, if treated with spermaceti or train-oil it loses much of its
+peninsular charm.
+
+Cabinet pudding, if a "left-over," should perhaps be called
+"reconstruction pudding." Here again the amount of egg and sugar used
+must vary in a direct ratio with the size of the family appetite.
+Prepared to suit that of the family of the late Dr. TANNER, such a
+dinner as the above is not merely inexpensive, it costs nothing at
+all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "All mules attached to the American Army in France have little
+    khaki bags containing gas masks fastened to the collars of their
+    harness. In the event of a gas attack these are slipped over their
+    pleading noses."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+This, we understand, is not what the drivers call them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_LESE-MAJESTE._
+
+Our triumphal march into Germany having been arrested just west of the
+Meuse, Sir DOUGLAS HAIG (through the usual channels) gave me ten days'
+leave to visit the historic town of St. Omer. As I only asked for
+seven-days and he gave me ten I knew there was a catch somewhere. It
+appeared that the ten days was worked out on the idea that it would
+take me five days to get there and five to get back. Needless to say
+I ignored trains, which are a snare and delusion in these days. I
+lorry-hopped. Most people would think many times before lorry-hopping
+from Charleroi to Lille _via_ Brussels and Tournai, but there is
+nothing that a man with a leave warrant in his pocket will not
+do--except perhaps save money.
+
+It was during this leave that I barged right into GEORGE, "George"
+being our very own King, besides being Emperor of India.
+
+To bridge the apparent gap between my arrival and the perturbing
+catastrophe referred to, it is only necessary to add that if you enter
+from the main route from Hazebrouck you will find just off the road a
+convoy of some sixty dear things seeing as much life as can be beheld
+while groping into the insides of the Red Cross motor ambulance which
+it is their job to feed, wash, coax and drive.
+
+I have the _entree_ here (except when the relentless Miss Commanding
+Officer chases me out for breaking the two-and-a-half rules which
+govern the place), and when I admitted incautiously that the only
+place on the Front that I had not seen or been frightened at was
+Passchendaele, they smiled pityingly and promised to take me there on
+Sunday for a joy ride. Shades of 1917! What whirligigs of circumstance
+time and the armistice have brought us! It was in the joy ride we
+nearly upset a dynasty.
+
+To accomplish the journey in greater comfort, Vee and her hut
+companion Sadie got hold of a perfectly good Colonel man who had a
+perfectly good car and had, moreover, a perfectly good excuse to go
+to Passchendaele (he was really going to Boulogne), but wanted to get
+a good flying start, and we set off. We were a perfectly organised
+unit, consisting of four sections (including two No. 2 Brownie
+Sections), A.S.C. complement (one lunch basket), Aid Post (bandage
+and thermometer, carried as a matter of course by Sadie, who thinks
+of these things), a Scotch dog (mascot) and a flask of similar
+nationality (medical comforts for the troops).
+
+On our arrival at Ypres the traffic man held up his hand. That
+in itself would not have been important, for we have it on great
+authority that the blind eye may be employed on really special
+occasions, but the fellow stood determinedly in the middle of the
+road, and even traffic men, we have always insisted, should not be run
+over except on great provocation.
+
+"All traffic stopped between 12 and 2," he said; "the KING is passing
+by."
+
+We looked blankly at one another. I have an extraordinary respect for
+HIS MAJESTY, but I did wish that he did more of his work by aeroplane
+at times.
+
+We ate sandwiches, selected and sited positions for sniping the royal
+progress with our No. 2 Brownies and photographed everything we saw,
+including an American cooker, the historic "Goldfish Chateau," and a
+Belgian leading a little pig, with the inscription, "The only good
+Bosch in the country"; but on the whole Ypres on a Sunday afternoon is
+hardly more exciting than the "great commercial centre" of Scotland.
+
+At intervals the Staff dashed up and spoke a word or two to the
+traffic man, but they departed again and nothing happened. We _all_
+had a turn at that traffic man, and what we don't know about his home
+life, pre-war and probable post-war troubles, isn't worth putting
+on any demobilisation paper. And each time we tackled him we got a
+different idea of the KING'S movements--HIS MAJESTY must have had an
+extraordinarily complex journey that day.
+
+Suddenly we were free! The KING was going to lunch near the Cloth Hall
+and would not be by till 2.30 P.M. Knowing that _any_ order emanating
+from a Staff is liable to instant cancellation we rushed back to the
+car and told the driver to "Go!" with the "G" hard, as in shell fire.
+Whether we went round or over the traffic man I don't know, but we
+slid with terrific speed into Ypres. Traffic was a little congested
+round the ruined cathedral, and we barged right up against a panting
+Ford, which had one lung completely gone and the other seemingly a
+little porous. A stream of traffic was coming down our side of the
+road; no matter, we must get on. Urged on by our advice the driver
+pulled out from behind the dying Ford and tried to pass. It was
+fearfully exciting. Some Staff on the bank began to wave to us.
+Thinking perhaps they knew some of us, or thought the girls looked
+nice, I smiled and nodded back. More Staff waved more arms. We were
+awfully pleased with our reception. Still three abreast on the road,
+the Ford having flickered up before death, we reached the crossroads
+as a large car with a flag on it came round the corner. The car
+stopped dead. So did we. The two cars glared at each other. The Ford
+writhed forward hideously in its death agony. I thought I felt funny,
+and when Vee whispered something about "the Royal Standard" I knew
+why. Royal Standard? Good Lord! I had visions of three laboriously
+acquired pips being torn from my sleeves by outraged authorities. The
+air was rent by my wild yell to our driver to go on--_go on_ and carry
+the Ford with us on our bonnet if necessary.
+
+What happened next is not very clear in my memory. I have a hazy picture
+of purple A.P.M.'s, of our GEORGE sitting calmly in a Rolls Royce, of
+irrepressible woman poking a No. 2 Brownie against the window of our car
+and trying to find a perfectly good king in a small viewfinder; of the
+Colonel on my right saluting, with a fearful waggle of the hand, without
+his hat on, that article having been simply swept off by my own tremendous
+"circular-motion-thumb-close-to-the-forefinger-touching-the-peak-of-the-cap,
+etc., etc." Through the haze I saw HIS MAJESTY graciously return our
+salute and I seem to recollect Vee taking his salute as a personal
+compliment to the feminine element in the car, and smiling back
+delightedly in return.
+
+The next thing I remember was that the car had passed, the traffic man
+was gazing reproachfully at us, the Ford had expired and our chauffeur
+had stopped his engine. I don't know what Sadie did all this time, but
+since, from her position, she must have seen the whole thing in better
+perspective, I don't wonder the girl looked white.
+
+Returning to consciousness I heard Vee utter a tremendous sigh of
+intense satisfaction.
+
+"I _sniped_ him," she said, and cuddled the No. 2 Brownie
+affectionately.
+
+"Did you turn it round after the last one?" I asked suddenly.
+
+"No, didn't you?"
+
+And of course we hadn't. And there, in the undeveloped spool lies
+HIS MAJESTY superimposed on the back of the Bosch piglet we had
+photographed outside Ypres. Isn't that just the hardest of luck?
+
+I'm going to ask if I can develop the film without running the risk of
+losing my commission. After all it's not so very inappropriate, is it?
+
+L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Extensive floods are reported in the Home Counties. Mr. Noah ----
+    had a narrow escape from drowning at ---- on Saturday."--_Scotch
+    Paper_.
+
+And yet people say, "What's in a name?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE WAR NURSERY.
+
+_Nurse_. "WHICH BABY HAVE YOU COME FOR?"
+
+_Little Girl_. "THANK YOU, NURSE--I'M BEING SERVED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A V.A.D. HALL-PORTERESS.
+
+(_WITH APOLOGIES TO R.K._)
+
+  If you can keep your courage and your curls up
+    When life a whirling chaos seems to be
+  Of amorous swains who want to ring their girls up
+    And get them through at once (as you for me);
+  If you can calm the weary and the waxy,
+    When no appeals, however nicely put,
+  Can lure from rank or pub. the ticking taxi,
+    And they, poor devils, have to go on foot;
+
+  If you can stem the rush of second-cousins,
+    Who crowd to get a glimpse of darling Fred,
+  When Father, Mother, Aunts and friends in dozens
+    Already form a circle round his bed;
+  If, in a word, you run a show amazing,
+    With precious little help to see you through it,
+  Yours is a temper far above all praising,
+    And--here we reach the point--I've seen you do it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Annie ---- was fined L2 for failing to have the name attached
+    to apples at a stall in ---- Market. Mr. ---- said the public
+    were being wilfully kept in ignorance as to what they were
+    buying."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+We think the Magistrate was rather pernickety. Most people know an
+apple when they see one, but the trouble in these days is to see one
+at all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RULE OF THE ROAD.
+
+I admire all poilus, and especially did I admire Pierre. Once only did
+I find him at fault. It was one of my functions on a hospital ship
+plying between ---- and ---- to wheel about the more fortunate of the
+patients. On the occasion on which I met Pierre he was journeying to
+his mother in London and was temporarily engaged in the same pursuit.
+I beheld him approaching with his charge and immediately ported my
+helm. He bore down on his, keeping to his right, and we collided.
+
+"Keep to your left, you fool!" I cried as the crash came.
+
+"_Mais non! le droit, M'sieur._"
+
+Here was a deadlock indeed. It was an English ship, therefore the
+English rule of the road should be maintained. On the other hand, the
+fact that we were still in French waters was in his favour. But my
+stubborn British will would not give way, and Heaven knows how long
+we should have remained there had not one of the invalids grunted,
+"Caan't thee keep t' the rule o' the waater?" and I saw a dignified
+way out of the difficulty. I withdrew to the right, and we passed on
+with no animosity towards one another. Still, it was a near thing for
+the Entente.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The unfortunate lady was examining an unloaded pistol when it
+    went off and caused instantaneous death."--_Times of Ceylon_.
+
+In the circumstances we trust we are justified in thinking this tragic
+intelligence to be the result of a false report.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW GAME.
+
+If Hubbard were not my friend I should describe him as one of the most
+amiable and most muddle-headed of mankind. Under the influence of his
+mind things that are quite clear become confused and lose themselves
+in long vistas of statement and sub-statement and sub-sub-statement,
+and a plain tale is darkened until at the end nothing is left of what
+it originally was. If you don't believe me listen to what follows.
+
+We were sitting in the drawing-room one evening recently; the various
+topics of the day having been more or less exhausted, somebody
+proposed a round game as a diversion. Hubbard saw his chance and
+dashed in. "Yes, by Jove," he said, "let's have the new game of
+'Likenesses;' it's a perfectly ripping game. I played it the other
+day and never laughed so much in my life."
+
+"How do you play it?" I said.
+
+"Oh," said Hubbard, "it's one of the easiest games in the world. All
+you have to do is to keep your mind clear and remember what you are
+driving at."
+
+"Right," I said. "But what are you driving at?"
+
+"Well," said Hubbard, "one of us goes out or stops his ears and the
+rest choose somebody."
+
+"There's nothing very new about that," I said; "I've played it a
+thousand times."
+
+"Wait a bit," said Hubbard, "and don't be so ready to plunge. I tell
+you this is an entirely new and original game."
+
+"Let him," said somebody else, "get on with it in his own way or we
+shall be here till past midnight. Go ahead, Hubbard."
+
+"Well," said Hubbard, "you choose somebody to be a likeness. When your
+man comes in again he begins to ask questions."
+
+"Vegetable, animal or mineral," said Butterfield, "I knew it was."
+
+"No, it isn't," said Hubbard. "The man who has gone out and has come
+in says to you, What food does the person you've chosen remind you of?
+and you say tapioca pudding or beef-steak and kidney pie."
+
+"But," I said, "there's nobody in the whole wide world who reminds me
+of either of those things."
+
+"Well, you can choose your own food," said Hubbard. "If you don't like
+tapioca pudding you can answer scrambled eggs. Only scrambled eggs
+must remind you of the person you have in your mind. Then you go on
+to the next man, and you ask him what cloth he reminds you of, and he
+answers tweed or Irish frieze or best Angola."
+
+"Can anybody," said Butterfield, "tell me what 'best Angola' means?
+I've seen it often in my tailor's bills; mostly, I think, as
+waistcoats, but I've never known what it really is. If I had to guess
+now I should say it is something composed in equal parts of fancy
+waistcoats, tapioca pudding and scrambled eggs."
+
+"Well, you'd be wrong," said Hubbard; "it's nothing of the sort. When
+you have got as far as scrambled eggs your man ought to begin to have
+a faint glimmering--"
+
+"But," I said, "there's the tapioca pudding. What are you going to do
+with that? You can't be allowed to play fast and loose with that."
+
+"Don't you see," said Hubbard, "that that's a mere example and now
+done with? Do please remember that we have got on to Irish frieze. You
+must allow me to explain the game in my own way. Now your man tackles
+the next person in turn. What building, he asks, does he remind you
+of? and the answer is Cologne Cathedral or the Bank of England."
+
+"It would be difficult to choose anyone who reminded me of either
+of those celebrated structures," I said, "but I'll take the Bank of
+England for choice."
+
+"But," said Hubbard, "you don't _take_ either of them, you see it in a
+flash and it's gone."
+
+"What do you see in a flash?" I said.
+
+"The building that the man who has gone out and is asking questions in
+order to guess the person everybody is thinking of reminds you of,"
+said Hubbard.
+
+"Oh, yes. That makes it absolutely clear," said Butterfield. "Let's
+get to work. Personally I haven't got beyond scrambled eggs."
+
+"And I am lost in tapioca," I said. "Let's get to bed." That's as far
+as Hubbard ever got with the explanation of his game. We left him
+struggling and went to bed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRUTHFUL TRAVELLER.
+
+  All my life I've been a rover; I have ranged the wide world over,
+    And I've had the very devil of a time;
+  I've philandered through Alsatia with the nautch-girl and the geisha;
+    I have heard the bells of San Marino chime.
+
+  I've hobnobbed in Honolulu with the Zouave and the Zulu,
+    I have fought against the Turks at Spion Kop;
+  In a spirit of bravado I've accosted the MIKADO
+    And familiarly addressed him as "Old Top."
+
+  I've been captured by banditti, kissed a squaw in Salt Lake City,
+    Carved my name upon the tomb of LI HUNG CHANG,
+  And been overcome by toddy where the turbid Irrawaddy
+    Winds its way from Cincinnati to Penang.
+
+  I have crossed the far-famed ferry from Port Said to Pondicherry;
+    In a droschky shot the rapids at Hongkong;
+  I have pounded to a jelly dancing dervishes at Delhi,
+    And I've chased the chimpanzee at Chittagong.
+
+  I've smoked baksheesh in pagodas, stood a Dago Scotch-and-sodas,
+    Scaled the mighty Mississippi's snow-clad peaks,
+  Galloped madly on a llama through lagoons at Yokohama
+    And found rubies at Magillicuddy's Reeks.
+
+  Where the Tagus joins the Hooghly I have bowled the wily googly,
+    I have heard the howdah's howl at Hyderabad;
+  On a rickshaw I've gone sailing, with my boomerang impaling
+    Hooded cobras on the ice-floes off Bagdad.
+
+  I have slain the beri-beri with a ball from my knobkerry;
+    I have climbed the Pole and leapt across the Line;
+  I've seen seals in Abyssinia and volcanoes in Virginia,
+    And I've dived into the shark-infested Rhine.
+
+  From the pemmican's fierce claws and the tiffin's gaping jaws
+    I have never shrunk in abject terror yet;
+  In the jungle I have tracked them and attacked them and then hacked them
+    Into mincemeat with my trusty calumet.
+
+  I have interviewed the MULLAH, KRUGER, MENELIK, ABDULLAH,
+    LOBENGULA, SITTING BULL and Clan-na-Gael;
+  When I think of where I've been, what I've done and what I've seen,
+    I'm surprised that I'm alive to tell the tale.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Standing Lady_. "MY HUSBAND WAS MADE A COLONEL JUST
+BEFORE THE ARMISTICE."
+
+_Seated ditto_. "MY HUSBAND WOULD HAVE BEEN A GENERAL IF IT HADN'T
+BEEN FOR THE WAR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS_).
+
+Battle-books have already come to wear (even in so short a time) a
+strangely archaic aspect. But _Through the Hindenburg Line_ (HODDER
+AND STOUGHTON) is, as its name tells you, nearer to date than most.
+The writer, Mr. F.A. MCKENZIE, was a Canadian war correspondent whom
+the Canadian Staff, believing (as he himself says) "that the right
+place for a war correspondent is where he can see what he is supposed
+to describe," allowed to live among the troops in the front line. As a
+result of this unusual privilege, his pictures of the great fights in
+the last stages of the War have the reality of personal experience.
+The actual smashing of the Line, for example, is an epic of heroism
+and achievement still hardly realised by people at home, who cling to
+an idea that the final victories were gained over an enemy enfeebled
+and at disadvantage. There are other chapters in the record that
+may perhaps hardly be welcomed at this moment by those amiable
+sentimentalists who would have us treat the enemy as a Bosch and a
+brother. The hospital raid at Etaples is one of them; when, even after
+the light of the burning huts had made ignorance impossible, the
+gentle Hun, swooping low, swept with machine-gun fire the nurses and
+doctors who were attempting to remove the wounded. That, I think, is a
+memory that will linger. Another picture, queerly disproportionate in
+the anger it excites, is that of the fruit garden in a great country
+house, with its wealth of famous old peach and pear trees still in
+place along the walls, but every one methodically sawn through. By
+comparison a trifling crime, but somehow I may forget other things
+more easily. One would welcome the revised judgment of Dr. SOLF upon
+this particular expression of the German spirit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+To those who have been persuaded by writers like Mr. H.G. WELLS that
+the horse has not and ought not to have any part in modern warfare,
+Captain SIDNEY GALTREY'S _The Horse and the War_ ("COUNTRY LIFE")
+will come as a revelation. Mr. WELLS has said that the sight of a
+soldier wearing spurs makes him sick, or words to that effect; yet
+so neglectful were our military authorities of Mr. WELLS'S opinions
+and teaching that they went on steadily adding horses, many of them
+cavalry horses, to the Army. We began the War with twenty-five
+thousand horses, and we finished it with considerably more than a
+million, to say nothing of the mules, who diffused an air of cynical
+amusement over the military proceedings in which they were compelled
+to bear a part. This may conceivably be one more proof in Mr. WELLS'S
+eyes of our incurable stupidity. But those who have watched the work
+of our armies at close quarters will be the last to agree with him.
+Captain GALTREY in fact proves his case. He has an enthusiasm for
+horses and has written a most interesting book. The illustrations are
+excellent and appropriate, and the book is admirably got up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Valour is apt to get the better of discretion in any novel that
+attempts to be quite up to date with a political subject. Mrs.
+TWEEDALE places _The Veiled Woman_ (JENKINS) in some vague period
+later than August, 1914, largely in order to decry a Government that
+really by now one fails to identify, and to let off sundry feminist
+squibs and crackers which, in view of the present position of woman
+suffrage, can only be described as fireworks half-price on the 6th
+of November. Further, to get all my grumbles frankly over, she so
+constantly makes sweeping assertions against the other sex that even
+the most chivalrous of male reviewers may be inclined to kick. To
+hear a lady pronounce once or twice that the males of the species
+are obviously diminishing in stature and strength, or that the whole
+programme of the earth's return to the highest ideals is in woman's
+hands, may be good for the masculine soul, but after a while it brings
+up vividly BESANT'S story of _The Revolt of Man_--what happened then
+and just why. The claim to a monopoly of self-sacrifice in particular
+comes very badly in war-time. All the same, if you cut out this
+top-hamper the story of _The Veiled Woman_ on its personal side is
+distinctly a good one. I wished the heroine had not spoiled her fine
+enthusiasms by mixing them so freely with a personal vendetta; but
+after all it is not the characterisation that intrigues one here. The
+plot--which I will not spoil by giving it away--goes excellently, and
+works up to a capital climax.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. BOYD CABLE is the literary liaison officer between the Infantry
+and the Air Force. In the wonderful stories contained in _Airmen
+O' War_ (MURRAY) his object is to make the armies on the ground
+understand what they owe to the armies of the air. If they suffer from
+a lack of understanding, this is not, I gather, likely to be removed
+by the airmen themselves, for they have evidently imbibed some of the
+spirit of our Navy and are magnificently reluctant to talk about their
+achievements. But this reticence has its dangers, and Mr. BOYD CABLE
+has set to work to remove them. Here he has written nothing for which
+he cannot find "an actual parallel fact." I honestly believe him and
+commend his book both to those who have a passion for tales of high
+adventure and also to those--if there are such--who need authentic
+instances of what our Airmen O' War have done for us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The best I can honestly say of _Tony Heron_ (COLLINS) is that it
+has all the makings of a good novel, but unfortunately stops there,
+unmade or rather unvitalized. It is the tale of a boy's upbringing
+by a sternly antagonistic father, of his growth to maturity, his love
+affairs, and in due course his relations with his own son. All the
+events happen that are proper to a scheme of this type; but somehow,
+despite the fact that Mr. C. KENNETT BURROW wields a practised and
+often picturesque pen, the whole affair remains a literary exercise
+and declines to come alive. Perhaps in justice I should except two
+characters, _Roland_, the sturdy-son born out of wedlock to _Tony_,
+and _Phil_, weakling child of old _Heron_ by a second marriage. Both
+these and the relation of the pair to each other furnish a pleasant
+contrast to the anaemia which seems to affect the rest of the tale.
+Stay, there is yet another, _Kenrick_, the private tutor of _Tony_,
+whose treatment by the author is at least vigorous. I found him just a
+little surprising. A creature, we are told, over fond of good food and
+wine, who, dining with his pupil on the latter's sixteenth birthday
+and attempting convivial airs, is shown his place with a promptitude
+recalling the best manner of the eighteenth century. Subsequently,
+one gathers, he took to chronic alcoholism, combined with amateur
+blackmail; and a final appearance shows the fellow dribbling wine
+over the evening shirt, to whose wear the author is at pains to tell
+us he was unused. Clearly a low race, these tutors, about whom I seem
+hitherto to have been strangely misinformed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Captain ROBERT B. ROSS has made excellent business of _The Fifty-First
+in France_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON). In any case there could be no
+doubts about the merits of this famous Scottish territorial division;
+it is one of the very many British divisions which has proved itself
+the best of all. I recall its first appearance at the Front as a
+constituted unit, and can speak to it that the impression its arrival
+caused was welcome and comforting. But our author is not only a
+soldier; he has also the literary art. Clearly he appreciates that a
+fine subject is not all that is wanted to make a good book; that one
+needs, for instance, the gift of observation, the power of conveying
+an impression, and a reserve of humour always ready at need. All these
+are his in abundance. His book treats of two earlier periods of the
+war; the second, the long-drawn offensive of the Somme, will make
+the most intimate appeal to men of his own and the other divisions
+involved. To those who knew the affair at first hand the story will
+recall much that they saw and felt themselves; often they will
+recognise a map-reading or will come across the name of a humble
+billet which they too regarded as a paradise replete with every modern
+comfort. Upon those who now learn it for the first time a deep and
+enduring impression will be produced. Captain Ross writes always with
+a due respect for the serious nature of his subject; but there are
+times when he breaks away from his military and literary discipline.
+There is for example, a moment when he dines well, "no more wisely
+than was desirable, no less wisely than was excusable." It must be
+added that the accompanying sketches are, if not of an ambitious
+order, yet of a certain merit. At any rate they assist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Desperate Tenant_. "CONCENTRATE ON THE COAL-SHED,
+GUV'NOR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SMITH MINOR AGAIN.
+
+"_Caesar autem erat imperator sui generis._" "Now the Kaiser was a
+general of the pig tribe."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SILENT SERVICE.
+
+    "As the President's steamer came alongside the officer shouted
+    an inaudible order down a tube. There was a snap and a crash. A
+    button was pressed, and, presto!"--_Daily Paper_.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+156, JAN. 15, 1919***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 10952.txt or 10952.zip *******
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