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diff --git a/10870-0.txt b/10870-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e94caab --- /dev/null +++ b/10870-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1281 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook of Are You A Bromide?, by Gelett Burgess + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and +most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms +of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you +will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before +using this eBook. + +Title: Are You A Bromide? + The Sulphitic Theory Expounded And Exemplified According + To The Most Recent Researches Into The Psychology Of Boredom + Including Many Well-Known Bromidioms Now In Use + +Author: Gelett Burgess + +Release Date: January 30, 2004 [EBook #10870] +Last Updated: June 1, 2023 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +Produced by: Marvin A. Hodges and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ARE YOU A BROMIDE? *** + + + + +ARE YOU A BROMIDE? + +OR, + +THE SULPHITIC THEORY + + + + +EXPOUNDED AND EXEMPLIFIED ACCORDING TO THE MOST RECENT RESEARCHES INTO +THE PSYCHOLOGY OF BOREDOM + +_Including many well-known Bromidioms now in use_ + +BY + +GELETT BURGESS, S.B. + + + + +Author of “Goops and How to Be Them,” “The Burgess Nonsense Book,” +“Vivette,” &c., &c. + + _WITH DECORATIONS BY THE AUTHOR_ + + +Note: +Decorations replaced with five asterisks + * * * * * + + + + +1906 + + + + +_NOTE_ + +_This essay is reprinted, with revisions and enlargement additions, +from “The Sulphitic Theory” published in “The Smart Set” for April, +1906, by consent of the editors._ + + + + +TO + +GERTRUDE McCALL + +CHATELAINE OF MAC MANOR + +[Illustration] + +AND DISCOVERER OF + +THE SULPHITIC THEORY + + + + +ARE YOU A BROMIDE? + +The terms “Bromide” and “Sulphite” as applied to psychological rather +than chemical analysis have already become, among the _illuminati_, so +widely adopted that these denominations now stand in considerable danger +of being weakened in significance through a too careless use. The +adjective “bromidic” is at present adopted as a general vehicle, a +common carrier for the thoughtless damnation of the Philistine. The time +has come to formulate, authoritatively, the precise scope of intellect +which such distinctions suggest and to define the shorthand of +conversation which their use has made practicable. The rapid spread of +the theory, traveling from Sulphite to Sulphite, like the spark of a +pyrotechnic set-piece, till the thinking world has been over-violently +illuminated, has obscured its genesis and diverted attention from the +simplicity and force of its fundamental principles.[1] In this, its +progress has been like that of slang, which, gaining in popularity, must +inevitably decrease in aptness and definiteness. + +[Footnote 1: It was in April that I first heard of the Theory from the +Chatelaine. The following August, in Venice, a lady said to me: “Aren’t +these old palaces a great deal more sulphitic in their decay than they +were originally, during the Renaissance?”] + +In attempting to solve the problem which for so long was the despair of +philosophers I have made modest use of the word “theory.” But to the +Sulphite, this simple, convincing, comprehensive explanation is more; +it is an opinion, even a belief, if not a _credo_. It is the +_crux_ by which society is tested. But as I shall proceed +scientifically, my conclusion will, I trust, effect rational proof of +what was an _a priori_ hypothesis. + + * * * * * + +The history of the origin of the theory is brief. The Chatelaine of a +certain sugar plantation in Louisiana, in preparing a list of guests +for her house-party, discovered, in one of those explosive moments of +inspiration, that all people were easily divided into two fundamental +groups or families, the Sulphites and the Bromides. The revelation was +apodictic, convincing; it made life a different thing; it made society +almost plausible. So, too, it simplified human relationship and gave +the first hint of a method by which to adjust and equalize affinities. +The primary theorems sprang quickly into her mind, and, such is their +power, they have attained almost the nature of axioms. The discovery, +indeed, was greater, more far-reaching than she knew, for, having +undergone the test of philosophical analysis as well as of practical +application, it stands, now, a vital, convincing interpretation of the +mysteries of human nature. + + * * * * * + +We have all tried our hands at categories. Philosophy is, itself, but a +system of definitions. What, then, made the Chatelaine’s theory +remarkable, when Civilization has wearied itself with distinctions? The +attempt to classify one’s acquaintance is the common sport of the +thinker, from the fastidious who says: “There are two kinds of +persons--those who like olives and those who don’t,” to the fatuous, +immemorial lover who says: “There are two kinds of women--Daisy, and +the Other Kind!” + + + * * * * * + +Previous attempts, less fantastic, have had this fault in common: their +categories were susceptible of gradation--extremes fused one into the +other. What thinking person has not felt the need of some definite, +final, absolute classification? We speak of “my kind” and “the other +sort,” of Those who Understand, of Impossibles, and Outsiders. Some of +these categories have attained considerable vogue. There is the +Bohemian versus the Philistine, the Radical versus the Conservative, +the Interesting versus the Bores, and so on. But always there is a +shifting population at the vague frontier--the types intermingle and +lose identity. Your Philistine is the very one who says: “This is +Liberty Hall!”--and one must drink beer whether one likes it or not. It +is the conservative business man, hard-headed, stubborn, who is +converted by the mind-reader or the spiritualistic medium--one extreme +flying to the other. It is the bore who, at times, unconsciously to +himself, amuses you to the point of repressed laughter. These terms are +fluent--your friends have a way of escaping from the labeled boxes into +which you have put them; they seem to defy your definitions, your +Orders and Genera. Fifteen minutes’ consideration of the great +Sulphitic Theory will, as the patent medicines say, convince one of its +efficacy. A Bromide will never jump out of his box into that ticketed +“Sulphite.” + + * * * * * + +So much comment has been made upon the terminology of this theory that +it should be stated frankly, at the start, that the words Sulphite and +Bromide, and their derivatives, sulphitic and bromidic, are themselves +so sulphitic that they are not susceptible of explanation. In a word, +they are empirical, although, accidentally it might seem, they do +appeal and convince the most skeptical. I myself balked, at first, at +these inconsequent names. I would have suggested the terms “Gothic” and +“Classic” to describe the fundamental types of mind. But it took but a +short conversation with the Chatelaine to demonstrate the fact that the +words were inevitable, and the rapid increase in their use has proved +them something more real than slang--an acceptable and accepted +terminology. Swallow them whole, therefore, and you will be so much +better for the dose that, upon finishing this thesis you will say, +“Why, _of course_ there are no other words possible!” + +Let us, therefore, first proceed with a general statement of the theory +and then develop some of its corollaries. It is comparatively easy to +define the Bromide; let us consider his traits and then classify the +Sulphite by a mere process of exclusion. + + * * * * * + +In this our world the Bromides constitute, alas! by far the larger +group. In this, the type resembles the primary bodies of other systems +of classification, such as the Philistines, the Conservatives, the +Bores and so on, _ad nauseam_. The Bromide does his thinking by +syndicate. He follows the main traveled roads, he goes with the crowd. +In a word, they all think and talk alike--one may predicate their +opinion upon any given subject. They follow custom and costume, they +obey the Law of Averages. They are, intellectually, all peas in the +same conventional pod, unenlightened, prosaic, living by rule and rote. +They have their hair cut every month and their minds keep regular +office hours. Their habits of thought are all ready-made, proper, +sober, befitting the Average Man. They worship dogma. The Bromide +conforms to everything sanctioned by the majority, and may be depended +upon to be trite, banal and arbitrary. + +So much has a mere name already done for us that we may say, boldly, +and this is our First Theorem: that all Bromides are bromidic in every +manifestation of their being. But a better comprehension of the term, +and one which will perhaps remove the taint of malediction, will be +attained if we examine in detail a few essential bromidic tendencies. +The adjective is used more in pity than in anger or disgust. The +Bromide can’t possibly help being bromidic--though, on the other hand, +he wouldn’t if he could. + + * * * * * + +The chief characteristic, then, seems to be a certain reflex +psychological action of the bromidic brain. This is evidenced by the +accepted bromidic belief that each of the ordinary acts of life is, and +necessarily must be, accompanied by its own especial remark or opinion. +It is an association of ideas intensified in each generation by the +continual correlation of certain groups of brain cells. It has become +not only unnecessary for him to think, but almost impossible, so deeply +these well-worn paths of thought have become. His intellectual +processes are automatic--his train of thought can never get off the +track. + + * * * * * + +A single illustration will suffice for analysis. You have heard it +often enough; fie upon you if you have said it! + +“_If you saw that sunset painted in a picture, you’d never believe it +would be possible!_” + + * * * * * + +It must be borne distinctly in mind that _it is not merely because +this remark is trite that it is bromidic_; it is because that, with +the Bromide, the remark is _inevitable_. One expects it from him, +and one is never disappointed. And, moreover, it is always offered by +the Bromide as a fresh, new, apt and rather clever thing to say. He +really believes, no doubt, that it is original--it is, at any rate, +neat, as he indicates by his evident expectation of applause. The +remark follows upon the physical or mental stimulus as the night the +day; he cannot, then, be true to any other impulse. Originality was +inhibited in him since his great-grandmother’s time. He has “got the +habit.” + +Accepting his irresponsibility, and with all charity to his undeveloped +personality, we may note a few other examples of his mental reflexes. +The list is long, but it would take a large encyclopædia to exhaust +the subject. The pastime, recently come into vogue, of collecting +Bromidioms,[1] is a pursuit by itself, worthy enough of practice if one +appreciates the subtleties of the game and does not merely collate +hackneyed phrases, irrespective of their true bromidic quality. For our +purpose in elucidating the thesis in hand, however, we need cull but a +few specimens, leaving the list to be completed by the reader at his +leisure. + +[Footnote 1: For this apt and cleverly coined word I am indebted to Mr. +Frank O’Malley of the New York “Sun,” who has been one of the most +ardent and discriminating collectors of Bromidioms.] + + * * * * * + + If you both happen to know Mr. Smith of Des Moines, the Bromide +inevitably will say: + +“_This world is such a small place, after all, isn’t it_?” + +The Bromide never mentions such a vulgar thing as a birth, but + +“_The Year Baby Came_.” + +The Bromide’s euphemisms are the slang of her caste. When she departs +from her visit, she says: + +_“I’ve had a perfectly charming time.”_ + +_“It’s SO good of you to have asked me_!” + +“_Now, DO come and see us_!” + +And when her caller leaves, her mind springs with a snap to fasten the +time-worn farewell: + +“_Now you have found the way, do come often_!” + +And this piece of ancient cynicism has run through a thousand changes: + +“_Of course if you leave your umbrella at home it’s sure to +rain!_” + +But comment, to the Sulphite, is unnecessary. These remarks would all +be in his Index Epurgatorius, if one were necessary. Except in jest it +would never even occur to him to use any of the following remarks: + + * * * * * + +I. + +“_I don’t know much about Art, but I know what I like._” + +II. + +“_My mother is seventy years old, but she doesn’t look a day over +fifty._” + +III. + +“_That dog understands every word I say._” + +IV. + +“_You’ll feel differently about these things when you’re +married!_” + +V. + +“_It isn’t money, it’s the PRINCIPLE of the thing I object to._” + +VI. + +“_Why aren’t there any good stories in the magazines, nowadays?_” + +VII. + +“_I’m afraid I’m not educated up to Japanese prints._” + +VIII. + +“_The Japanese are such an interesting little people!_” + +IX. + +“_No, I don’t play chess. I haven’t got that kind of a brain_.” + +X. + +“_No, I never intend to be married_.” + +XI. + +“_I thought I loved him at the time, but of course it wasn’t really +love_.” + +XII. + +“_Funny how some people can never learn to spell_!” + +XIII. + +“_If you’d only come yesterday, this room was in perfect order_.” + +XIV. + +“_I don’t care for money--it’s what I can do with it_.” + +XV. + +“_I really oughtn’t to tell this, but I know you understand_.” + +XVI. + +“_Why, I know you better than you know yourself_!” + +XVII. + +“_Now, this thing really happened_!” + +XVIII. + +“_It’s a great compliment to have a child fond of you_.” + +XIX. + +“_The Salvation Army reaches a class of people that churches never +do_.” + +XX. + +“_It’s bad enough to see a man drunk--but, oh! a woman_!” + +XXI. + +“_It’s a mistake for a woman to marry a man younger than +herself--women age so much faster than men. Think what she’ll be, +when he’s fifty!_” + +XXII. + +“_Of course if you happen to want a policeman, there’s never one +within miles of you._” + +XXIII. + +“_It isn’t so much the heat (or the cold), as the humidity in the +air._” + +XXIV. + +“_This tipping system is terrible, but what can one do about it?_” + +XXV. + +“_I don’t know what we ever did without the telephone!_” + +XXVI. + +“_After I’ve shampooed my hair I can’t do a thing with it_!” + + XXVII. + +“_I never read serials_.” + + XXVIII. + +“_No, let me pay! I’ve got to change this bill anyway_.” + + XXIX. + +“_You’re a sight for sore eyes_!” + + XXX. + +“_Come up and see us any time. You’ll have to take pot-luck, but +you’re always welcome_.” + + XXXI. + +“_There are as many chances to get rich in real estate as there ever +were--if you only knew where to find them_.” + +XXXII. + +“_I’d rather have a good horse than all the automobiles made._” + +XXXIII. + +“_The price of autos is bound to come down sooner or later, and then +you won’t see horses except in menageries._” + +XXXIV. + +“_I’d rather go to a dentist than have my photograph taken._” + +XXXV. + +“_Did you ever know of a famous man’s son who amounted to +anything?_” + +XXXVI. + +“_The most ignorant Italian laborer seems to be able to appreciate +art._” + +XXXVII. + +“_I want to see my own country before I go abroad_.” + +XXXVIII. + +“_Yes, but you can live in Europe for half what you can at home_.” + +XXXIX. + +“_You can live twenty years in New York and never know who your next +door neighbor is_.” + +XL. + +“_No, I’d just as lief stand; I’ve been sitting down all day_.” + + XLI. + +“_Funny how people always confide their love-affairs to me_!” + + XLII. + +“_I’d rather be blind than deaf--it’s such a tax on your +friends_.” + +XLIII. + +_“I haven’t played a game of billiards for two years, but I’ll try, +just for the fun of it_.” + +XLIV. + +“_If you could only write stories the way you tell them, you’d make +your fortune as an author_.” + +XLV. + +“_Nothing can stop a cold, unless you take it right at the +start_.” + +XLVI. + +“_He’s told that lie so often that he believes it himself, now_.” + +XLVII. + +“_If you stay here a year you’ll never want to go back_.” + +XLVIII. + +“_Don’t worry; that won’t help matters any_.” + + * * * * * + +Sulphites are agreed upon most of the basic facts of life, and this +common understanding makes it possible for them to eliminate the +obvious from their conversation. They have found, for instance, that +green is restful to the eyes, and the fact goes without saying, in a +hint, in a mere word. They are aware that heat is more disagreeable +when accompanied by a high degree of humidity, and do not put forth +this axiom as a sensational discovery. They have noticed the +coincidences known as mental telepathy usual in correspondence, and +have long ceased to be more than mildly amused at the occurrence of the +phenomenon. They do not speak in awe-struck voices of supernatural +apparitions, for of all fiction the ghost story is most apt to be +bromidic, nor do they expect others to be impressed by their strange +dreams any more than with their pathological symptoms. Hypnotism, they +are convinced, has attained the standing of a science whose rationale +is pretty well understood and established, and the subject is no longer +an affording subject for anecdote. Sulphites can even listen to tales +of Oriental magic, miraculously-growing trees, disappearing boys and +what-not, without suggesting that the audience was mesmerized. Above +all, the Sulphite recognizes as a principle that, if a story is really +funny, it is probably untrue, and he does not seek to give an adjuvant +relish to it, by dilating with verisimilitude upon the authenticity of +the facts in the case. But your Bromide is impressive and asserts, “I +knew the man that died!” The Sulphite, too, has little need for +euphemisms. He can speak of birth and death without metaphor. + +But to the Bromide all such matters of fact and fancy are perpetually +picturesque, and, a discoverer, he leaps up and shouts out +enthusiastically that two and two are four, and defends his statement +with eloquent logic. Each scene, each incident has its magic +spell--like the little woolly toy lamb, he presses the fact, and +“_ba--ba_” the appropriate sentiment comes forth. Does he have, +back in the shadows of his mind, perhaps, the ghost of a perception +that the thing has been said before? Who can tell! But, if he does, +his vanity exorcises the spirit. Bromides seldom listen to one +another; they are content with talk for talk’s sake, and so escape +all chance of education. It is this fact, most likely, which has +endowed the bromidiom with immortality. Never heard, it seems always +new, appropriate, clever. + +No, it isn’t so much the things they say, as the way they say them! Do +you not recall the smug, confident look, the assurance of having said a +particularly happy thing? They come inevitably as the alarm clock; when +the hands of circumstance touch the hour, the bromidic remark will +surely go off. + + * * * * * + +But, lest one make too much of this particular symptom, let us consider +a few other tendencies. The Bromide has no surprises for you. When you +see one enter a room, you must reconcile yourself to the inevitable. No +hope for flashes of original thought, no illuminating, newer point of +view, no sulphitic flashes of fancy--the steady glow of bromidic +conversation and action is all one can hope for. He may be wise and +good, he may be loved and respected--but he lives inland; he puts not +forth to sea. He is there when you want him, always the same. + +Bromides also enjoy pathological symptoms. They are fond of describing +sickness and death-bed scenes. “His face swelled up to twice its +natural size!” they say, in awed whispers. They attend funerals with +interest and scrutiny. + + * * * * * + +We are all born with certain bromidic tendencies, and children are the +greatest bromides in the world. What boy of ten will wear a collar +different from what his school-mates are all wearing? He must conform +to the rule and custom of the majority or he suffers fearfully. But, if +he has a sulphitic leaven in his soul, adolescence frees him from the +tyrannical traditions of thought. In costume, perhaps, men still are +more bromidic than women. A man has, for choice, a narrow range in +garments--for everyday wear at most but four coats, three collars and +two pairs of shoes. + +Fewer women become Sulphites. The confession is ungallant and painful, +but it must be made. We have only to watch them, to listen--and to +pity. + +But stay! If there is anything in heredity, women should be most +sulphitic. For of all Bromides Adam was the progenitor, while Eve was a +Sulphite from the first! + +Alice in Wonderland, however, is the modern type--a Bromide amidst +Sulphites. + + * * * * * + +What, then, is a Sulphite? Ah, that is harder to define. A Sulphite is +a person who does his own thinking, he is a person who has surprises up +his sleeve. He is explosive. One can never foresee what he will do, +except that it will be a direct and spontaneous manifestation of his +own personality. + +You cannot tell them by the looks. Sulphites come together like drops +of mercury, in this bromidic world. Unknown, unsuspected groups of them +are scattered over the earth, and we never know where we are going to +meet them--like fireflies in Summer, like Americans in Europe. The +Bromide we have always with us, predicating the obvious. The Sulphite +appears uncalled. + + * * * * * + +But you must not jump to the conclusion that all Sulphites are +agreeable company. This is no classification as of desirable and +undesirable people. The Sulphite, from his very nature, must +continually surprise you by an unexpected course of action. He must +explode. You never know what he will say or do. He is always sulphitic, +but as often impossible. He will not bore you, but he may shock you. +You find yourself watching him to see what is coming next, and it may +be a subtle jest, a paradox, or an atrocious violation of etiquette. + + * * * * * + +All cranks, all reformers, and most artists are sulphitic. The insane +asylums are full of Sulphites. They not only do ordinary things in +unusual ways, but they do unusual things in ordinary ways. What is more +intensely sulphitic than, when you have said your farewells, to go +immediately? Or, as you swim out to rescue a drowning girl, to keep +your pipe burning, all the while? They do not attempt to “entertain” +you, but let you choose your own pastime. When they present a gift, it +has either rhyme or reason to it. Their letters are not passed about to +be read by the family. + + * * * * * + +Hamlet was a Sulphite; Polonius a Bromide. Becky Sharp was sulphitic; +Amelia Sedley bromidic. So we might follow the line of cleavage between +the two groups in Art, Religion and Politics. Compare, for instance, +President Roosevelt with his predecessor in office--the Unexpected +versus the sedate Thermometer of Public Opinion. Compare Bernard Shaw +with Marie Corelli--one would swear that their very brains were +differently colored! Their epigrams and platitudes are merely the +symptoms of different methods of thought. One need not consult one’s +prejudice, affection or taste--the Sulphitic Theory explains without +either condemning or approving. The leopard cannot change his spots. + + * * * * * + +But if, along with these contrasts, we take, for example, Lewis Carroll +as opposed to Dr. Johnson, we are brought up against an extraordinary +inconsistency. It is, however, only an apparent paradox--beneath it +lies a vital principle. Dr. Johnson was, himself, a Sulphite of the +Sulphites, but how intensely bromidic were his writings! One yawns to +think of them. As for Lewis Carroll, in his classic nonsense, so +sulphitic as often to be accused by Bromides of having a secret +meaning, his private life was that of a Bromide. Read his biography and +learn the terrors of his formal, set entertainments to the little girls +whom he patronized! They knew what to expect of him, and he never, +however agreeably, disappointed them. No, unfortunately a Sulphite does +not always produce sulphitic art. How many writers we know who are more +interesting than their work! How many who are infinitely less so! Your +professional humorist is usually a dull, melancholy fellow in his +private life--and a clergyman may preach infant damnation and be a +merry father at home. + + * * * * * + +Such considerations point inevitably to the truth that our theory +depends essentially not upon action or talk, but upon the quality and +rationale of thought. It is a question of Potentiality, rather than of +Dynamics. It is the process of reasoning which concerns us, not its +translation into conduct. A man may be a devoted supporter of Mrs. +Grundy and yet be a Sulphite, if he has, in his own mind, reached an +original conclusion that society needs her safeguards. He may be the +wildest-eyed of Anarchists and yet bromidic, if he has accepted +another’s reasons and swallowed the propaganda whole. + +It will be doubtless through a misconception of this principle that the +first schism in the Sulphitic Theory arises. Already the cult has +become so important that a newer heretic sect threatens it. These +protestants cannot believe that there is a definite line to be drawn +between Sulphites and Bromides, and hold that one may partake of a dual +nature. All such logic is fatuous, and founded upon a misconception of +the Theory. + + * * * * * + +There is, however, a subtlety which has perhaps had something to do +with confusing the neophyte. It is this: Sulphitism and Bromidism are, +symbolically, the two halves of a circle, and their extremes meet. One +may be so extremely bromidic that one becomes, at a leap, sulphitic, +and _vice versa_. This may be easily illustrated. + + * * * * * + +Miss Herford’s inimitable monologues, being each the apotheosis of some +typical Bromide--a shopgirl, a country dressmaker, a bargain-hunter and +so on--become, through her art, intensely sulphitic. They are +excruciatingly funny, just because she represents types so common that +we recognize them instantly. Each expresses the crystallized thought of +her particular bromidic group. Done, then, by a person who is herself a +Sulphite _par excellence_, the result is droll. “One has,” says +Emerson, “but to remove an object from its environment and instantly it +becomes comic.” + + * * * * * + +The same thing is done less artistically every day upon the vaudeville +stage. We love to recognize types; and what Browning said of beauty: + + We’re made so that we love + First, when we see them painted, + Things we have passed + Perhaps a hundred times nor cared to see + +can be easily extended to our sense of humor in caricature. A recent +hit upon the variety stage does still more to illustrate the problem. + +The “Cherry Sisters” aroused immense curiosity by an act so bromidic as +to be ridiculous. Were they rank amateurs, doing their simple best, or +were they clever artists, simulating the awkward crudeness of country +girls? That was the question. In a word, were they Sulphites or +Bromides? + +What such artists have done histrionically, Hillaire Belloc has done +exquisitely for literature in his “Story of Manuel Burden.” This tale, +affecting to be a serious encomium upon a middle class British +merchant, shows plainly that all satire is, in its essence, a sulphitic +juggling with bromidic topics. It is done unconsciously by many a +simple rhymester whose verses are bought by Sulphites and read with +glee. + + * * * * * + +In the terminology of our theory we must, therefore, include two new +terms, describing the variation of intensity of these two different +states of mind. The extremes meet at the points of Nitro-Bromidism and +Hypo-Sulphitism, respectively. Intensity of Bromidism becomes, then, +Nitro-Bromidism, and we have seen how, through the artist’s, or through +a Sulphite’s subtle point of view, such Nitro-Bromide becomes +immediately sulphitic. + +By a similar reasoning, a Hypo-Sulphite can, at a step, become +bromidic. The illustration most obvious is that of insanity. We are not +much amused, usually, by the quaint modes of thought exhibited by +lunatics and madmen. + +It cannot be denied, however, that their processes of thought are +sulphitic; indeed, they are so wildly original, so fanciful, that we +must denominate all such crazed brains, Hypo-Sulphites. Such persons +are so surprising that they end by having no surprises left for us. We +accept their mania and cease to regard it; it, in a word, becomes +bromidic. So, in their ways, are all cranks and eccentrics, all whose +set purpose is to astonish or to shock. We end by being bored at their +attitudes and poses. + + * * * * * + +The Sulphite has the true Gothic spirit; the Bromide, the impulse of +the classic. One wonders, relishing the impossible, manifesting himself +in characteristic, spontaneous ways; the other delights in rule and +rhythm, in ordered sequences, in authority and precedent, following the +law. One carves the gargoyle and ogrillion, working in paths untrod, +the other limits himself to harmonic ratios, balanced compositions, and +to predestined fenestration. One has a grim, _naif_, virile humor, +the other a dead, even beauty. One is hot, the other cold. The Dark +Ages were sulphitic--there were wild deeds then; men exploded. The +Renaissance was essentially bromidic; Art danced in fetters, men looked +back at the Past for inspiration and chewed the cud of Greek thought. +For the Sulphite, fancy; for the Bromide, imagination. + + * * * * * + +From the fifteenth century on, however, the wave of Sulphitism rose +steadily, gradually dropping at times into little depressions of +Euphuistic manners and intervals of “sensibility” but climbing, with +the advance of science and the emancipation of thought to an ideal--the +personal, original interpretation of life. The nineteenth century +showed curiously erratic variations of the curve. From its beginning +till 1815, Sulphitism was upon the increase, while from that year till +1870 there was a sickening drop to the veriest depths of bromidic +thought. Then the Bromide infested the earth. With his black-walnut +furniture, his jig-saw and turning-lathe methods of decoration, his +lincrusta-walton and pressed terracotta, his chromos, wax flowers, hoop +skirts, chokers, side whiskers and pantalettes, went a horrific revival +of mock modesty inspired by the dying efforts of the old formulated +religious thought. And then---- when steam had had its day, impressing +its materialism upon the world; making what should be hard, easy, and +what should be easy, hard--came electricity--a new science almost +approaching a spiritual force, and, with a rush, the telephone that +made the commonplace bristle with romance! The curve of sulphitism +arose. A wave of Oriental thought lifted many to a curious +idealism--and, as so many other centuries had done before, there came +to the nineteenth a _fin de siecle_ glow that lifted up the curve +still higher. The Renaissance of thought came--came the cult of +simplicity and Mission furniture--corsets were abandoned--the automobile +freed us from the earth--the Yellow Book began, Mrs. Eddy appeared, +radium was discovered and appendicitis flourished. + + * * * * * + +So there are bromidic vegetables like cabbage, and sulphitic ones like +garlic. The distinction, once understood, applies to almost everything +thinkable. There are bromidic titles to books and stories, and titles +sulphitic. “The Something of Somebody” is, at present, the commonest +bromidic form. Once, as in “The Courting of Dinah Shadd” and “The +Damnation of Theron Ware,” such a title was sulphitic, but one cannot +pick up a magazine, nowayears, without coming across “The ---- of ----” +As most magazines are edited for Middle Western Bromides, such titles +are inevitable. I know of one, with a million circulation, which +accepted a story with the sulphitic title, “Thin Ice,” and changed it +to the bromidic words, “Because Other Girls were Free.” One of O. +Henry’s first successful stories, and perhaps his best humorous tale, +had its title so changed from “Cupid _a la carte_,” to “A Guthrie +Wooing.” + +This is one of the few exceptions to the rule that a sulphitic thing +can become bromidic. Time alone can accomplish this effect. Literature +itself is either bromidic or sulphitic. The dime novel and melodrama, +with hackneyed situations, once provocative, are so easily +nitro-bromidic that they become sulphitic in burlesque and parody. + + * * * * * + +Metaphysically, Sulphitism is easily explained by the theory of +Absolute Age. We have all seen children who seem to be, mentally, with +greater possibility of growth than their parents. We see persons who +understand without experience. It is as if they had lived before. It is +as if they had a definite Absolute Age. We recognize and feel +sympathetic with those of our caste--with those of the same age, not in +years, but in wisdom. Now the standard of spiritual insight is the +person of a thousand years of age. He knows the relative Importance of +Things. And it might be said, then, that Bromides are individuals of +less than five hundred years; Sulphites, those who are over that age. +In some dim future incarnation, perhaps, the Bromide will leap into +sulphitic apprehension of existence. It is the person who is Absolutely +Young who says, “Alas, I never had a youth--I don’t understand what it +is to be young!” and he who is Absolutely Old remarks, blithely, “Oh, +dear, I can’t seem to grow up at all!” One is a Bromide and the other a +Sulphite--and this explanation illuminates the paradox. + + * * * * * + +The Sulphite brings a fresh eye to life. He sees everything as if for +the first time, and not through the blue glasses of convention. As if +he were a Martian newly come to earth, he sees things separated from +their environment, tradition, precedent--the dowager without her money, +the politician without his power, the sage without his poverty; he sees +men and women for himself. He prefers his own observation to any _a +priori_ theories of society. He knows how to work, but he knows, too +(what the Bromide does never), how to play, and he plays with men and +women for the joy of life, and his own particular game. Though his view +be eccentric it is his own view, and though you may avoid him, you can +never forget or ignore him. + + * * * * * + +And so, too, using an optical symbolism, we may speak of the Sulphite +as being refractive--every impression made upon him is split up into +component rays of thought--he sees beauty, humor, pathos, horror, and +sublimity. The Bromide is reflective, and the object is thrown back +unchanged, unanalyzed; it is accepted without interrogation. The +mirrored bromidic mind gives back only what it has taken. To use the +phraseology of Harvard and Radcliffe, the Sulphite is connotative, the +Bromide denotative. + + * * * * * + +But the theory is constructive rather than destructive. It makes for +content, and peace. By this philosophy one sees one’s friends revealed. +Though the Bromide will never say whether he prefers dark or white +meat; though he inflict upon you the words, “Why, if two hundred years +ago people had been told that you could talk through a wire they would +have hanged the prophet for witchcraft!” though he repeats the point of +his story, rolling it over on his tongue, seeking for a second laugh; +though he says, “Dinner is my best meal”--he cannot help it. You know +he is a Bromide, and you expect no more. + + * * * * * + +You will notice, also, in discussing this theory with your friends, +that the Bromide will take up, with interest, only the bromidic aspect +of life. The term will amuse him, and, never thinking that it should be +applied to himself, he will use the word “Bromide” in season and out of +it. To the Sulphite, however, Sulphitism is a thing to be watched for, +cultivated, and treasured. He will search long for the needle in the +haystack, and leave the bromidiom to be observed by the careless, +thoughtless Bromide. And, as the supreme test, it may be remarked that, +should buttons be put on the market, bearing the names “Bromide” and +“Sulphite” in blue and red, a few minutes’ reflection will convince the +Sulphite that, before long, all the Bromides would be wearing the red +Sulphite buttons, and all the Sulphites the blue Bromide. Such is the +rationale of the perverse. + + * * * * * + +Bromides we may love, and even marry. Your own mother, your sister, +your sweetheart, may be bromidic, but you are not less affectionate. +They are restful and soporific. You may not have understood them; +before you heard of the Sulphitic Theory you were annoyed at their +dullness, their dogmas, but, with this white light illuminating them, +you accept them, now, for what they are, and, expecting nothing +original from them, you find a new peace and a new joy in their +society. “You may estimate your capacity for the Comic,” says +Meredith--and the statement might be applied as well to the +Bromidic--“by being able to detect the ridicule of them you love, +without loving them less.” + + * * * * * + +The Bromide has no salt nor spice nor savor--but he is the bread of +Society, the veriest staff of life. And if, like Little Jack Horner, +you can occasionally put in your thumb and pull out a sulphitic plum +from your acquaintance, be thankful for that, too! + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ARE YOU A BROMIDE? *** + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the +United States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part +of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project +Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ +concept and trademark. 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