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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10792 ***
+
+SAILORS' KNOTS
+
+By W.W. Jacobs
+
+
+1909
+
+
+
+KEEPING UP APPEARANCES
+
+
+"Everybody is superstitious," said the night-watchman, as he gave
+utterance to a series of chirruping endearments to a black cat with one
+eye that had just been using a leg of his trousers as a serviette; "if
+that cat 'ad stole some men's suppers they'd have acted foolish, and
+suffered for it all the rest of their lives."
+
+He scratched the cat behind the ear, and despite himself his face
+darkened.  "Slung it over the side, they would," he said, longingly, "and
+chucked bits o' coke at it till it sank.  As I said afore, everybody is
+superstitious, and those that ain't ought to be night-watchmen for a
+time--that 'ud cure 'em.  I knew one man that killed a black cat, and
+arter that for the rest of his life he could never get three sheets in
+the wind without seeing its ghost.  Spoilt his life for 'im, it did."
+
+He scratched the cat's other ear.  "I only left it a moment, while I went
+round to the Bull's Head," he said, slowly filling his pipe, "and I
+thought I'd put it out o' reach.  Some men----"
+
+His fingers twined round the animal's neck; then, with a sigh, he rose
+and took a turn or two on the jetty.
+
+Superstitiousness is right and proper, to a certain extent, he said,
+resuming his seat; but, o' course, like everything else, some people
+carry it too far--they'd believe anything.  Weak-minded they are, and if
+you're in no hurry I can tell you a tale of a pal o' mine, Bill
+Burtenshaw by name, that'll prove my words.
+
+[Illustration: "Superstitiousness is right and proper, to a certain
+extent."]
+
+His mother was superstitious afore 'im, and always knew when 'er friends
+died by hearing three loud taps on the wall.  The on'y mistake she ever
+made was one night when, arter losing no less than seven friends, she
+found out it was the man next door hanging pictures at three o'clock in
+the morning.  She found it out by 'im hitting 'is thumb-nail.
+
+For the first few years arter he grew up Bill went to sea, and that on'y
+made 'im more superstitious than ever.  Him and a pal named Silas Winch
+went several v'y'ges together, and their talk used to be that creepy that
+some o' the chaps was a'most afraid to be left on deck alone of a night.
+Silas was a long-faced, miserable sort o' chap, always looking on the
+black side o' things, and shaking his 'ead over it.  He thought nothing
+o' seeing ghosts, and pore old Ben Huggins slept on the floor for a week
+by reason of a ghost with its throat cut that Silas saw in his bunk.  He
+gave Silas arf a dollar and a neck-tie to change bunks with 'im.
+
+When Bill Burtenshaw left the sea and got married he lost sight of Silas
+altogether, and the on'y thing he 'ad to remind him of 'im was a piece o'
+paper which they 'ad both signed with their blood, promising that the
+fust one that died would appear to the other.  Bill agreed to it one
+evenin' when he didn't know wot he was doing, and for years arterwards 'e
+used to get the cold creeps down 'is back when he thought of Silas dying
+fust.  And the idea of dying fust 'imself gave 'im cold creeps all over.
+
+Bill was a very good husband when he was sober, but 'is money was two
+pounds a week, and when a man has all that and on'y a wife to keep out of
+it, it's natural for 'im to drink.  Mrs. Burtenshaw tried all sorts o'
+ways and means of curing 'im, but it was no use.  Bill used to think o'
+ways, too, knowing the 'arm the drink was doing 'im, and his fav'rite
+plan was for 'is missis to empty a bucket o' cold water over 'im every
+time he came 'ome the worse for licker.  She did it once, but as she 'ad
+to spend the rest o' the night in the back yard it wasn't tried again.
+
+Bill got worse as he got older, and even made away with the furniture to
+get drink with.  And then he used to tell 'is missis that he was drove to
+the pub because his 'ome was so uncomfortable.
+
+Just at that time things was at their worst Silas Winch, who 'appened to
+be ashore and 'ad got Bill's address from a pal, called to see 'im.  It
+was a Saturday arternoon when he called, and, o' course, Bill was out,
+but 'is missis showed him in, and, arter fetching another chair from the
+kitchen, asked 'im to sit down.
+
+Silas was very perlite at fust, but arter looking round the room and
+seeing 'ow bare it was, he gave a little cough, and he ses, "I thought
+Bill was doing well?" he ses.
+
+[Illustration: "Silas was very perlite at fust."]
+
+"So he is," ses Mrs. Burtenshaw.
+
+Silas Winch coughed again.
+
+"I suppose he likes room to stretch 'imself about in?" he ses, looking
+round.
+
+Mrs. Burtenshaw wiped 'er eyes and then, knowing 'ow Silas had been an
+old friend o' Bill's, she drew 'er chair a bit closer and told him 'ow it
+was.  "A better 'usband, when he's sober, you couldn't wish to see," she
+ses, wiping her eyes agin.  "He'd give me anything--if he 'ad it."
+
+Silas's face got longer than ever.  "As a matter o' fact," he ses, "I'm a
+bit down on my luck, and I called round with the 'ope that Bill could
+lend me a bit, just till I can pull round."
+
+Mrs. Burtenshaw shook her 'ead.
+
+"Well, I s'pose I can stay and see 'im?" ses Silas.  "Me and 'im used to
+be great pals at one time, and many's the good turn I've done him.  Wot
+time'll he be 'ome?"
+
+"Any time after twelve," ses Mrs. Burtenshaw; "but you'd better not be
+here then.  You see, 'im being in that condition, he might think you was
+your own ghost come according to promise and be frightened out of 'is
+life.  He's often talked about it."
+
+Silas Winch scratched his head and looked at 'er thoughtful-like.
+
+"Why shouldn't he mistake me for a ghost?" he ses at last; "the shock
+might do 'im good.  And, if you come to that, why shouldn't I pretend to
+be my own ghost and warn 'im off the drink?"
+
+Mrs. Burtenshaw got so excited at the idea she couldn't 'ardly speak, but
+at last, arter saying over and over agin she wouldn't do such a thing for
+worlds, she and Silas arranged that he should come in at about three
+o'clock in the morning and give Bill a solemn warning.  She gave 'im her
+key, and Silas said he'd come in with his 'air and cap all wet and
+pretend he'd been drowned.
+
+"It's very kind of you to take all this trouble for nothing," ses Mrs.
+Burtenshaw as Silas got up to go.
+
+"Don't mention it," ses Silas.  "It ain't the fust time, and I don't
+suppose it'll be the last, that I've put myself out to help my feller-
+creeturs.  We all ought to do wot we can for each other."
+
+"Mind, if he finds it out," ses Mrs. Burtenshaw, all of a tremble, "I
+don't know nothing about it.  P'r'aps to make it more life-like I'd
+better pretend not to see you."
+
+"P'r'aps it would be better," ses Silas, stopping at the street door.
+"All I ask is that you'll 'ide the poker and anything else that might be
+laying about handy.  And you 'ad better oil the lock so as the key won't
+make a noise."
+
+Mrs. Burtenshaw shut the door arter 'im, and then she went in and 'ad a
+quiet sit-down all by 'erself to think it over.  The only thing that
+comforted 'et was that Bill would be in licker, and also that 'e would
+believe anything in the ghost line.
+
+It was past twelve when a couple o' pals brought him 'ome, and, arter
+offering to fight all six of 'em, one after the other, Bill hit the wall
+for getting in 'is way, and tumbled upstairs to bed.  In less than ten
+minutes 'e was fast asleep, and pore Mrs. Burtenshaw, arter trying her
+best to keep awake, fell asleep too.
+
+She was woke up suddenly by a noise that froze the marrer in 'er bones--
+the most 'art-rending groan she 'ad ever heard in 'er life; and, raising
+her 'ead, she saw Silas Winch standing at the foot of the bed.  He 'ad
+done his face and hands over with wot is called loominous paint, his cap
+was pushed at the back of his 'ead, and wet wisps of 'air was hanging
+over his eyes.  For a moment Mrs. Burtenshaw's 'art stood still and then
+Silas let off another groan that put her on edge all over.  It was a
+groan that seemed to come from nothing a'most until it spread into a roar
+that made the room tremble and rattled the jug in the wash-stand basin.
+It shook everything in the room but Bill, and he went on sleeping like an
+infant.  Silas did two more groans, and then 'e leaned over the foot o'
+the bed, and stared at Bill, as though 'e couldn't believe his eyesight.
+
+[Illustration: "She saw Silas Winch standing at the foot of the bed."]
+
+"Try a squeaky one," ses Mrs. Burtenshaw.
+
+Silas tried five squeaky ones, and then he 'ad a fit o' coughing that
+would ha' woke the dead, as they say, but it didn't wake Bill.
+
+"Now some more deep ones," ses Mrs. Burtenshaw, in a w'isper.
+
+Silas licked his lips--forgetting the paint--and tried the deep ones
+agin.
+
+"Now mix 'em a bit," ses Mrs. Burtenshaw.
+
+Silas stared at her.  "Look 'ere," he ses, very short, "do you think I'm
+a fog-horn, or wot?"
+
+He stood there sulky for a moment, and then 'e invented a noise that
+nothing living could miss hearing; even Bill couldn't.  He moved in 'is
+sleep, and arter Silas 'ad done it twice more he turned and spoke to 'is
+missis about it.  "D'ye hear?" he ses; "stop it.  Stop it at once."
+
+Mrs. Burtenshaw pretended to be asleep, and Bill was just going to turn
+over agin when Silas let off another groan.  It was on'y a little one
+this time, but Bill sat up as though he 'ad been shot, and he no sooner
+caught sight of Silas standing there than 'e gave a dreadful 'owl and,
+rolling over, wropped 'imself up in all the bed-clothes 'e could lay his
+'ands on.  Then Mrs. Burtenshaw gave a 'owl and tried to get some of 'em
+back; but Bill, thinking it was the ghost, only held on tighter than
+ever.
+
+"Bill!" ses Silas Winch, in an awful voice.
+
+Bill gave a kick, and tried to bore a hole through the bed.
+
+"Bill," ses Silas agin, "why don't you answer me?  I've come all the way
+from the bottom of the Pacific Ocean to see you, and this is all I get
+for it.  Haven't you got anything to say to me?"
+
+"Good-by," ses Bill, in a voice all smothered with the bed-clothes.
+
+Silas Winch groaned agin, and Bill, as the shock 'ad made a'most sober,
+trembled all over.
+
+"The moment I died," ses Silas, "I thought of my promise towards you.
+'Bill's expecting me,' I ses, and, instead of staying in comfort at the
+bottom of the sea, I kicked off the body of the cabin-boy wot was
+clinging round my leg, and 'ere I am."
+
+"It was very--t-t-thoughtful--of you--Silas," ses Bill; "but you always--
+w-w-was--thoughtful.  Good-by--"
+
+Afore Silas could answer, Mrs. Burtenshaw, who felt more comfortable,
+'aving got a bit o' the clothes back, thought it was time to put 'er
+spoke in.
+
+"Lor' bless me, Bill," she ses.  "Wotever are you a-talking to yourself
+like this for?  'Ave you been dreaming?"
+
+"Dreaming!" ses pore Bill, catching hold of her 'and and gripping it till
+she nearly screamed.  "I wish I was.  Can't you see it?"
+
+"See it?" ses his wife.  "See wot?"
+
+"The ghost," ses Bill, in a 'orrible whisper; "the ghost of my dear, kind
+old pal, Silas Winch.  The best and noblest pal a man ever 'ad.  The
+kindest-'arted----"
+
+"Rubbish," ses Mrs. Burtenshaw.  "You've been dreaming.  And as for the
+kindest-'arted pal, why I've often heard you say--"
+
+"H'sh!" ses Bill.  "I didn't.  I'll swear I didn't.  I never thought of
+such a thing."
+
+"You turn over and go to sleep," ses his wife, "hiding your 'ead under
+the clothes like a child that's afraid o' the dark!  There's nothing
+there, I tell you.  Wot next will you see, I wonder?  Last time it was a
+pink rat."
+
+"This is fifty million times worse than pink rats," ses Bill.  "I on'y
+wish it was a pink rat."
+
+"I tell you there is nothing there," ses his wife.  "Look!"
+
+Bill put his 'ead up and looked, and then 'e gave a dreadful scream and
+dived under the bed-clothes agin.
+
+"Oh, well, 'ave it your own way, then," ses his wife.  "If it pleases you
+to think there is a ghost there, and to go on talking to it, do so, and
+welcome."
+
+She turned over and pretended to go to sleep agin, and arter a minute or
+two Silas spoke agin in the same hollow voice.
+
+"Bill!" he ses.
+
+"Yes," ses Bill, with a groan of his own.
+
+"She can't see me," ses Silas, "and she can't 'ear me; but I'm 'ere all
+right.  Look!"
+
+"I 'ave looked," ses Bill, with his 'ead still under the clothes.
+
+"We was always pals, Bill, you and me," ses Silas; "many a v'y'ge 'ave we
+had together, mate, and now I'm a-laying at the bottom of the Pacific
+Ocean, and you are snug and 'appy in your own warm bed.  I 'ad to come to
+see you, according to promise, and over and above that, since I was
+drowned my eyes 'ave been opened.  Bill, you're drinking yourself to
+death!"
+
+"I--I--didn't know it," ses Bill, shaking all over.  "I'll knock it--off
+a bit, and--thank you--for--w-w-warning me.  G-G-Good-by."
+
+"You'll knock it off altogether," ses Silas Winch, in a awful voice.
+"You're not to touch another drop of beer, wine, or spirits as long as
+you live.  D'ye hear me?"
+
+"Not--not as medicine?"  ses Bill, holding the clothes up a bit so as to
+be more distinct.
+
+"Not as anything," ses Silas; "not even over Christmas pudding.  Raise
+your right arm above your 'ead and swear by the ghost of pore Silas
+Winch, as is laying at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean, that you won't
+touch another drop."
+
+Bill Burtenshaw put 'is arm up and swore it.
+
+Then 'e took 'is arm in agin and lay there wondering wot was going to
+'appen next.
+
+"If you ever break your oath by on'y so much as a teaspoonful," ses
+Silas, "you'll see me agin, and the second time you see me you'll die as
+if struck by lightning.  No man can see me twice and live."
+
+Bill broke out in a cold perspiration all over.  "You'll be careful,
+won't you, Silas?" he ses.  "You'll remember you 'ave seen me once, I
+mean?"
+
+"And there's another thing afore I go," ses Silas.  "I've left a widder,
+and if she don't get 'elp from some one she'll starve."
+
+"Pore thing," ses Bill.  "Pore thing."
+
+"If you 'ad died afore me," ses Silas, "I should 'ave looked arter your
+good wife--wot I've now put in a sound sleep--as long as I lived."
+
+Bill didn't say anything.
+
+"I should 'ave given 'er fifteen shillings a week," ses Silas.
+
+"'Ow much?"  ses Bill, nearly putting his 'ead up over the clothes, while
+'is wife almost woke up with surprise and anger.
+
+"Fifteen shillings," ses Silas, in 'is most awful voice.  "You'll save
+that over the drink."
+
+"I--I'll go round and see her," ses Bill.  "S'he might be one o' these
+'ere independent--" 277
+
+"I forbid you to go near the place," ses Silas.  "Send it by post every
+week; 15 Shap Street will find her.  Put your arm up and swear it; same
+as you did afore."
+
+Bill did as 'e was told, and then 'e lay and trembled, as Silas gave
+three more awful groans.
+
+"Farewell, Bill," he ses.  "Farewell.  I am going back to my bed at the
+bottom o' the sea.  So long as you keep both your oaths I shall stay
+there.  If you break one of 'em or go to see my pore wife I shall appear
+agin.  Farewell!  Farewell!  Farewell!"
+
+Bill said "Good-by," and arter a long silence he ventured to put an eye
+over the edge of the clothes and discovered that the ghost 'ad gone.  He
+lay awake for a couple o' hours, wondering and saying over the address to
+himself so that he shouldn't forget it, and just afore it was time to get
+up he fell into a peaceful slumber.  His wife didn't get a wink, and she
+lay there trembling with passion to think 'ow she'd been done, and
+wondering 'ow she was to alter it.
+
+Bill told 'er all about it in the morning; and then with tears in his
+eyes 'e went downstairs and emptied a little barrel o' beer down the
+sink.  For the fust two or three days 'e went about with a thirst that
+he'd ha' given pounds for if 'e'd been allowed to satisfy it, but arter a
+time it went off, and then, like all teetotallers, 'e began to run down
+drink and call it pison.
+
+[Illustration: "With tears in his eyes 'e emptied a little barrel o' beer
+down the sink."]
+
+The fust thing 'e did when 'e got his money on Friday was to send off a
+post-office order to Shap Street, and Mrs. Burtenshaw cried with rage and
+'ad to put it down to the headache.  She 'ad the headache every Friday
+for a month, and Bill, wot was feeling stronger and better than he 'ad
+done for years, felt quite sorry for her.
+
+By the time Bill 'ad sent off six orders she was worn to skin and bone
+a'most a-worrying over the way Silas Winch was spending her money.  She
+dursn't undeceive Bill for two reasons: fust of all, because she didn't
+want 'im to take to drink agin; and secondly, for fear of wot he might do
+to 'er if 'e found out 'ow she'd been deceiving 'im.
+
+She was laying awake thinking it over one night while Bill was sleeping
+peaceful by her side, when all of a sudden she 'ad an idea.  The more she
+thought of it the better it seemed; but she laid awake for ever so long
+afore she dared to do more than think.  Three or four times she turned
+and looked at Bill and listened to 'im breathing, and then, trembling all
+over with fear and excitement, she began 'er little game.
+
+"He did send it," she ses, with a piercing scream.  "He did send it."
+
+"W-w-wot's the matter?"  ses Bill, beginning to wake up.
+
+Mrs. Burtenshaw didn't take any notice of 'im.
+
+"He did send it," she ses, screaming agin.  "Every Friday night reg'lar.
+Oh, don't let 'im see you agin."
+
+Bill, wot was just going to ask 'er whether she 'ad gone mad, gave a
+awful 'owl and disappeared right down in the middle o' the bed.
+
+"There's some mistake," ses Mrs. Burtenshaw, in a voice that could ha'
+been 'eard through arf-a-dozen beds easy.  "It must ha' been lost in the
+post.  It must ha' been."
+
+She was silent for a few seconds, then she ses, "All right," she ses,
+"I'll bring it myself, then, by hand every week.  No, Bill sha'n't come;
+I'll promise that for 'im.  Do go away; he might put his 'ead up at any
+moment."
+
+She began to gasp and sob, and Bill began to think wot a good wife he 'ad
+got, when he felt 'er put a couple of pillers over where she judged his
+'ead to be, and hold 'em down with her arm.
+
+"Thank you, Mr. Winch," she ses, very loud.  "Thank you.  Good-by,
+Good-by."
+
+She began to quieten down a bit, although little sobs, like wimmen use
+when they pretend that they want to leave off crying but can't, kept
+breaking out of 'er.  Then, by and by, she quieted down altogether and a
+husky voice from near the foot of the bed ses: "Has it gorn?"
+
+"Oh, Bill," she ses, with another sob, "I've seen the ghost!"
+
+"Has it gorn?" ses Bill, agin.
+
+"Yes, it's gorn," ses his wife, shivering.  "Oh, Bill, it stood at the
+foot of the bed looking at me, with its face and 'ands all shiny white,
+and damp curls on its forehead.  Oh!"
+
+Bill came up very slow and careful, but with 'is eyes still shut.
+
+"His wife didn't get the money this week," ses Mrs. Burtenshaw; "but as
+he thought there might be a mistake somewhere he appeared to me instead
+of to you.  I've got to take the money by hand."
+
+"Yes, I heard," ses Bill; "and mind, if you should lose it or be robbed
+of it, let me know at once.  D'ye hear?  At once!"
+
+"Yes, Bill," ses 'is wife.
+
+They lay quiet for some time, although Mrs. Burtenshaw still kept
+trembling and shaking; and then Bill ses.  "Next time a man tells you he
+'as seen a ghost, p'r'aps you'll believe in 'im."
+
+Mrs. Burtenshaw took out the end of the sheet wot she 'ad stuffed in 'er
+mouth when 'e began to speak.
+
+"Yes, Bill," she ses.
+
+Bill Burtenshaw gave 'er the fifteen shillings next morning and every
+Friday night arterwards; and that's 'ow it is that, while other wimmen
+'as to be satisfied looking at new hats and clothes in the shop-winders,
+Mrs. Burtenshaw is able to wear 'em.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Keeping Up Appearances, by W.W. Jacobs
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10792 ***