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+The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Mirror of Kong Ho, by Ernest Bramah
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and
+most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
+whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
+of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
+www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you
+will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before
+using this eBook.
+
+Title: The Mirror of Kong Ho
+
+Author: Ernest Bramah
+
+Release Date: October, 1997 [eBook #1077]
+[Most recently updated: November 26, 2021]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+Produced by: John Bickers and David Widger
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE MIRROR OF KONG HO ***
+
+
+
+
+THE MIRROR OF KONG HO
+
+By Ernest Bramah
+
+
+
+     A lively and amusing collection of letters on western living
+     written by Kong Ho, a Chinese gentleman. These addressed to
+     his homeland, refer to the Westerners in London as
+     barbarians and many of the aids to life in our society give
+     Kong Ho endless food for thought. These are things such as
+     the motor car and the piano; unknown in China at this time.
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION
+
+Estimable barbarian,--Your opportune suggestion that I should permit the
+letters, wherein I have described with undeviating fidelity the customs
+and manner of behaving of your accomplished race, to be set forth in
+the form of printed leaves for all to behold, is doubtless
+gracefully-intentioned, and this person will raise no barrier of dissent
+against it.
+
+In this he is inspired by the benevolent hope that his immature
+compositions may to one extent become a model and a by-word to those who
+in turn visit his own land of Fragrant Purity; for with exacting care
+he has set down no detail that has not come under his direct observation
+(although it is not to be denied that here or there he may, perchance,
+have misunderstood an involved allusion or failed to grasp the inner
+significance of an act), so that Impartiality necessarily sways his
+brush, and Truth lurks within his inkpot.
+
+In an entirely contrary manner some, who of recent years have gratified
+us with their magnanimous presence, have returned to their own countries
+not only with the internal fittings of many of our palaces (which,
+being for the most part of a replaceable nature, need be only trivially
+referred to, the incident, indeed, being generally regarded as a most
+cordial and pressing variety of foreign politeness), but also--in
+the lack of highly-spiced actuality--with subtly-imagined and truly
+objectionable instances. These calumnies they have not hesitated to
+commit to the form of printed books, which, falling into the hands
+of the ignorant and undiscriminating, may even suggest to their
+ill-balanced minds a doubt whether we of the Celestial Empire really are
+the wisest, bravest, purest, and most enlightened people in existence.
+
+As a parting, it only remains to be said that, in order to maintain
+unimpaired the quaint-sounding brevity and archaic construction of your
+prepossessing language, I have engraved most of the remarks upon the
+receptive tablets of my mind as they were uttered. To one who can repeat
+the Five Classics without stumbling this is a contemptible achievement.
+Let it be an imposed obligation, therefore, that you retain these
+portions unchanged as a test and a proof to all who may read. Of my
+own deficient words, I can only in truest courtesy maintain that any
+alteration must of necessity make them less offensively commonplace than
+at present they are.
+
+The Sign and immutable Thumb-mark of,
+
+                                                         KONG HO
+
+By a sure hand to the House of one Ernest Bramah.
+
+
+
+
+THE MIRROR OF KONG HO
+
+
+
+
+LETTER I
+
+
+ Concerning the journey. The unlawful demons invoked by
+ certain of the barbarians; their power and the manner of
+ their suppression. Suppression. The incredible obtuseness of
+ those who attend within tea-houses. The harmonious attitude
+ of a person of commerce.
+
+
+Venerated Sire (at whose virtuous and well-established feet an unworthy
+son now prostrates himself in spirit repeatedly),--
+
+Having at length reached the summit of my journey, that London of which
+the merchants from Canton spoke so many strange and incredible things, I
+now send you filial salutations three times increased, and in accordance
+with your explicit command I shall write all things to you with an
+unvarnished brush, well assured that your versatile object in committing
+me to so questionable an enterprise was, above all, to learn the
+truth of these matters in an undeviating and yet open-headed spirit of
+accuracy and toleration.
+
+Of the perils incurred while travelling in the awe-inspiring devices by
+which I was transferred from shore to shore and yet further inland,
+of the utter absence of all leisurely dignity on the part of
+those controlling their movements, and of the almost unnatural
+self-opinionatedness which led them to persist in starting at a stated
+and prearranged time, even when this person had courteously pointed
+out to them by irrefutable omens that neither the day nor the hour was
+suitable for the venture, I have already written. It is enough to assert
+that a similar want of prudence was maintained on every occasion, and,
+as a result, when actually within sight of the walls of this city, we
+were involved for upwards of an hour in a very evilly-arranged yellow
+darkness, which, had we but delayed for a day, as I strenuously advised
+those in authority after consulting the Sacred Flat and Round Sticks, we
+should certainly have avoided.
+
+Concerning the real nature of the devices by which the ships are
+propelled at sea and the carriages on land, I must still unroll a blank
+mind until I can secretly, and without undue hazard, examine them more
+closely. If, as you maintain, it is the work of captive demons hidden
+away among their most inside parts, it must be admitted that these
+usually intractable beings are admirably trained and controlled, and
+I am wide-headed enough to think that in this respect we
+might--not-withstanding our nine thousand years of civilised
+refinement--learn something of the methods of these barbarians. The
+secret, however, is jealously guarded, and they deny the existence of
+any supernatural forces; but their protests may be ignored, for there
+is undoubtedly a powerful demon used in a similar way by some of the
+boldest of them, although its employment is unlawful. A certain kind of
+chariot is used for the occupation of this demon, and those who wish
+to invoke it conceal their faces within masks of terrifying design, and
+cover their hands and bodies with specially prepared garments, without
+which it would be fatal to encounter these very powerful spirits.
+While yet among the habitations of men, and in crowded places, they are
+constrained to use less powerful demons, which are lawful, but when
+they reach the unfrequented paths they throw aside all restraint, and,
+calling to their aid the forbidden spirit (which they do by secret
+movements of the hands), they are carried forward by its agency at a
+speed unattainable by merely human means. By day the demon looks forth
+from three white eyes, which at night have a penetrating brilliance
+equal to the fiercest glances of the Sacred Dragon in anger. If any
+person incautiously stands in its way it utters a warning cry of
+intolerable rage, and should the presumptuous one neglect to escape to
+the roadside and there prostrate himself reverentially before it, it
+seizes him by the body part and contemptuously hurls him bruised and
+unrecognisable into the boundless space of the around. Frequently
+the demon causes the chariot to rise into the air, and it is credibly
+asserted by discriminating witnesses (although this person only sets
+down as incapable of denial that which he has actually beheld) that
+some have maintained an unceasing flight through the middle air for a
+distance of many li. Occasionally the captive demon escapes from the
+bondage of those who have invoked it, through some incautious gesture
+or heretical remark on their part, and then it never fails to use them
+grievously, casting them to the ground wounded, consuming the chariot
+with fire, and passing away in the midst of an exceedingly debased
+odour, by which it is always accompanied after the manner of our own
+earth spirits.
+
+This being, as this person has already set forth, an unlawful demon on
+account of its power when once called up, and the admitted uncertainty
+of its movements, those in authority maintain a stern and inexorable
+face towards the practice. To entrap the unwary certain persons (chosen
+on account of their massive outlines, and further protected from evil
+influences by their pure and consistent habits) keep an unceasing watch.
+When one of them, himself lying concealed, detects the approach of such
+a being, he closely observes the position of the sun, and signals to
+the other a message of warning. Then the second one, shielded by the
+sanctity of his life and rendered inviolable by the nature of his
+garments--his sandals alone being capable of overturning any demon from
+his path should it encounter them--boldly steps forth into the road and
+holds out before him certain sacred emblems. So powerful are these
+that at the sight the unlawful demon confesses itself vanquished, and
+although its whole body trembles with ill-contained rage, and the air
+around is poisoned by its discreditable exhalation, it is devoid of
+further resistance. Those in the chariot are thereupon commanded to
+dismiss it, and being bound in chains they are led into the presence of
+certain lesser mandarins who administer justice from a raised dais.
+
+“Behold!” exclaims the chief of the captors, when the prisoners have
+been placed in obsequious attitudes before the lesser mandarins, “thus
+the matter chanced: The honourable Wang, although disguised under the
+semblance of an applewoman, had discreetly concealed himself by the
+roadside, all but his head being underneath a stream of stagnant water,
+when, at the eighth hour of the morning, he beheld these repulsive
+outcasts approaching in their chariot, carried forward by the diabolical
+vigour of the unlawful demon. Although I had stationed myself several li
+distant from the accomplished Wang, the chariot reached me in less than
+a breathing space of time, those inside assuming their fiercest and most
+aggressive attitudes, and as they came repeatedly urging the demon to
+increased exertions. Their speed exceeded that of the swallow in
+his hymeneal flight, all shrubs and flowers by the wayside withered
+incapably at the demon’s contaminating glance, running water ceased
+to flow, and the road itself was scorched at their passage, the earth
+emitting a dull bluish flame. These facts, and the times and the
+distances, this person has further inscribed in a book which thus
+disposes of all possible defence. Therefore, O lesser mandarins, let
+justice be accomplished heavily and without delay; for, as the proverb
+truly says, ‘The fiercer the flame the more useless the struggles of the
+victim.’”
+
+At this point the prisoners frequently endeavour to make themselves
+heard, protesting that in the distance between the concealed Wang and
+the one who stands accusing them they had thrice stopped to repair their
+innermost details, had leisurely partaken of food and wine, and had
+also been overtaken, struck, and delayed by a funeral procession. But so
+great is the execration in which these persons are held, that although
+murderers by stealth, outlaws, snatchers from the body, and companies of
+men who by strategy make a smaller sum of money appear to be larger, can
+all freely testify their innocence, raisers of this unlawful demon
+must not do so, and they are beaten on the head with chains until they
+desist.
+
+Then the lesser mandarins, raising their voices in unison, exclaim,
+“The amiable Tsay-hi has reported the matter in a discreet and impartial
+spirit. Hear our pronouncement: These raisers of illegal spirits
+shall each contribute ten taels of gold, which shall be expended in
+joss-sticks, in purifying the road which they have scorched, and in
+alleviating the distress of the poor and virtuous of both sexes. The
+praiseworthy Tsay-hi, moreover, shall embroider upon his sleeve an
+honourable sign in remembrance of the event. Let drums now be beat, and
+our verdict loudly proclaimed throughout the province.”
+
+These things, O my illustrious father (although on account of my
+contemptible deficiencies of style much may seem improbable to your
+all-knowing mind), these things I write with an unbending brush; for
+I set down only that which I have myself seen, or read in their own
+printed records. Doubtless it will occur to one of your preternatural
+intelligence that our own system of administering justice, whereby the
+person who can hire the greater number of witnesses is reasonably held
+to be in the right, although perhaps not absolutely infallible, is in
+every way more convenient; but, as it is well said, “To the blind, night
+is as acceptable as day.”
+
+Henceforth you will have no hesitation in letting it be known throughout
+Yuen-ping that these foreign barbarians do possess secret demons, in
+spite of their denials. Doubtless I shall presently discover others no
+less powerful.
+
+With honourable distinction this person has at length grasped the
+essential details of the spoken language here--not sufficiently well,
+indeed, to make himself understood on most occasions, or even to
+understand others, but enough to perceive clearly when he fails to
+become intelligible or when they experience a like difficulty with him.
+Upon an earlier occasion, before he had made so much progress, being one
+day left to his own resources, and feeling an internal lack, he entered
+what appeared to be a tea-shop of reputable demeanour, and, seating
+himself at one of the little marble tables, he freely pronounced the
+carefully-learned word “rice” to the attending nymph. To put aside all
+details of preparation (into which, indeed, this person could not
+enter) he waved his hand gracefully, at the same time smiling with an
+expression of tolerant acquiescence, as of one who would say that what
+was good enough to be cooked and offered by so entrancing a maiden
+was good enough to be eaten by him. After remaining in unruffled
+tranquillity for the full portion of an hour, and observing that no
+other person around had to wait above half that period, this one began
+to perceive that the enterprise was not likely to terminate in a
+manner satisfactory to himself; so that, leaving this place with a few
+well-chosen phrases of intolerable regret in his own tongue, he entered
+another, and conducted himself in a like fashion.... Towards evening,
+with an unperturbed exterior, but materially afflicted elsewhere, this
+person seated himself within the eleventh tea-shop, and, pointing first
+towards his own constituents of digestion, then at the fire, and
+lastly in an upward direction, thereby signified to any not of stunted
+intellect that he had reached such a condition of mind and body that he
+was ready to consume whatever the ruling deities were willing to allot,
+whether boiled, baked, roast, or suspended from a skewer. In this
+resolve nothing would move him, until--after many maidens had approached
+with outstretched hands and gestures of despair--there presently entered
+a person wearing the helmet of a warrior and the manner of a high
+official, who spoke strongly, yet persuasively, of the virtues of
+immediate movement and a quiet and reposeful bearing.
+
+Assuredly a people who devote so little attention to the study of food,
+and all matters connected with it, must inevitably remain barbaric,
+however skilfully they may feign a superficial refinement. It is said,
+although I do not commit this matter to my own brush, that among them
+are more books composed on subjects which have no actual existence
+than on cooking, and, incredible as it may appear, to be exceptionally
+round-bodied confers no public honour upon the individual. Should a
+favourable occasion present itself, there are many who do not scruple to
+jest upon the subject of food, or, what is incalculably more depraved,
+upon the scarcity of it.
+
+Nevertheless, there are exceptions of a highly distinguished radiance.
+Among these must be accounted one into whose presence this person was
+recently led by our polished and harmonious friend Quang-Tsun, the
+merchant in tea and spices. This versatile person, whose business-name
+is spoken of as Jones Bob-Jones, is worthy of all benignant respect,
+and in a really enlightened country would doubtless be raised to a
+more exalted position than that of a breaker of outsides (an occupation
+difficult to express adequately in the written language of a country
+where it is unknown), for his face is like the sun setting in the time
+of harvest, his waist garment excessive, and the undoubted symmetry of
+his middle portions honourable in the extreme. So welcome in my eyes,
+after witnessing an unending stream of concave and attenuated barbarian
+ghosts, was the sight of these perfections of Jones Bob-Jones, that
+instead of the formal greeting of this Island--the unmeaning “How do
+you do it?”--I shook hands cordially with myself, and exclaimed
+affectionately in our own language, “Illimitable felicities! How is your
+stomach?”
+
+“Well,” replied Jones Bob-Jones, after Quang-Tsun had interpreted this
+polite salutation to his understanding, “since you mention it, that’s
+just the trouble; but I’m going on pretty well, thanks. I’ve tried most
+of the advertised things, and now my doctor has put me practically on a
+bread-and-water course--clear soup, boiled fish, plain joint, no sweets,
+a crumb of cheese, and a bare three glasses of Hermitage.”
+
+During this amiable remark (of which, as it is somewhat of a technical
+nature, I was unable to grasp the contained significance until the
+agreeable Quang-Tsun had subsequently repeated it several times for my
+retention), I maintained a consistent expression of harmonious agreement
+and gratified esteem (suitable, I find, for all like occasions), and
+then, judging from the sympathetic animation of Jones Bob-Jones’s
+countenance, that it had not improbably been connected with food,
+I discreetly introduced the subject of sea-snails, preserved in the
+essence of crushed peaches, by courteously inquiring whether he had ever
+partaken of such a delicacy.
+
+“No,” replied the liberal-minded person, when--encouraged by the
+protruding eagerness of his eyes at the mention of the viand--I had
+further spoken of the refined flavour of the dish, and explained the
+manner of its preparation. “I can’t say that I have, but it sounds
+uncommonly good--something like turtle, I should imagine. I’ll see if
+they can get it for me at Pimm’s.”
+
+This filial tribute goes by a trusty hand, in the person of one Ki Nihy,
+who is shortly committing himself to the protection of his ancestors
+and the voracity of the unbounded Bitter Waters; and with brightness
+and gold it will doubtless reach you in the course of twelve or eighteen
+moons. The superstitious here, this person may describe, when they wish
+to send messages from one to another, inscribe upon the outer cover a
+written representation of the one whose habitation they require, and
+after affixing a small paper talisman, drop it into a hole in the
+nearest wall, in the hope that it may be ultimately conveyed to the
+appointed spot, either by the services of the charitably-disposed
+passer-by, or by the intervention of the beneficent deities.
+
+With a multiplicity of greetings and many abject expressions of a
+conscious inferiority, and attested by an unvarying thumb-mark.
+
+                                     KONG HO.
+                      (Effete branch of a pure and magnanimous trunk.)
+
+
+To Kong Ah-Paik, reclining beneath the sign of the Lead Tortoise, in a
+northerly direction beyond the Lotus Beds outside the city of Yuen-ping.
+The Middle Flowery Kingdom.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER II
+
+
+ Concerning the ill-destined manner of existence of the hound
+ Hercules. The thoughtlessly-expressed desire of the
+ entrancing maiden and its effect upon a person of
+ susceptible refinement. The opportune (as it may yet be
+ described) visit of one Herbert. The behaviour of those
+ around. Reflections.
+
+
+Venerated Sire (whose large right hand is continuously floating in
+spirit over the image of this person’s dutiful submission),--
+
+Doubtless to your all-consuming prescience, it will at once become plain
+that I have abandoned the place of residence from which I directed my
+former badly-written and offensively-constructed letter, the house of
+the sympathetic and resourceful Maidens Blank, where in return for an
+utterly inadequate sum of money, produced at stated intervals, this very
+much inferior person was allowed to partake of a delicately-balanced and
+somewhat unvarying fare in the company of the engaging of both sexes,
+and afterwards to associate on terms of honourable equality with them in
+the chief apartment. The reason and manner of this one’s departure
+are in no degree formidable to his refined manner of conducting any
+enterprise, but arose partly from an insufficient grasp of the more
+elaborate outlines of a confessedly involved language, and still more
+from a too excessive impetuousness in carrying out what at the time he
+believed to be the ambition of one who had come to exercise a melodious
+influence over his most internal emotions. Well remarked the Sage, “A
+piece of gold may be tried between the teeth; a written promise to pay
+may be disposed of at a sacrifice to one more credulous; but what shall
+be said of the wind, the Hoang Ho, and the way of a woman?”
+
+To contrive a pitfall for this short-sighted person’s immature feet,
+certain malicious spirits had so willed it that the chief and more
+autumnal of the Maidens Blank (who, nevertheless, wore an excessively
+flower-like name), had long lavished herself upon the possession of an
+obtuse and self-assertive hound, which was in the habit of gratifying
+this inconsiderable person and those who sat around by continually
+depositing upon their unworthy garments details of its outer surface,
+and when the weather was more than usually cold, by stretching its
+graceful and refined body before the fire in such a way as to ensure
+that no one should suffer from a too acute exposure to the heat. From
+these causes, and because it was by nature a hound which even on the
+darkest night could be detected at a more than reasonable distance away,
+while at all times it did not hesitate to shake itself freely into
+the various prepared viands, this person (and doubtless others also)
+regarded it with an emotion very unfavourable towards its prolonged
+existence; but observing from the first that those who permitted
+themselves to be deposited upon, and their hands and even their faces to
+be hound-tongue-defiled with the most externally cheerful spirit of
+word suppression, invariably received the most desirable of the allotted
+portions of food, he judged it prudent and conducive to a settled
+digestion to greet it with favourable terms and actions, and to refer
+frequently to its well-displayed proportions, and to the agile dexterity
+which it certainly maintained in breathing into the contents of every
+dish. Thus the matter may be regarded as being positioned for a space of
+time.
+
+One evening I returned at the appointed gong-stroke of dinner, and was
+beginning, according to my custom, to greet the hound with ingratiating
+politeness, when the one of chief authority held up a reproving hand, at
+the same time exclaiming:
+
+“No, Mr. Kong, you must not encourage Hercules with your amiable
+condescension, for just now he is in very bad odour with us all.”
+
+“Undoubtedly,” replied this person, somewhat puzzled, nevertheless, that
+the imperfection should thus be referred to openly by one who hitherto
+had not hesitated to caress the hound with most intimate details,
+“undoubtedly the surrounding has a highly concentrated acuteness
+to-night, but the ever-present characteristic of the hound Hercules is
+by no means new, for whenever he is in the room--”
+
+At this point it is necessary to explain that the ceremonial etiquette
+of these barbarian outcasts is both conflicting and involved. Upon
+most of the ordinary occasions of life to obtrude oneself within the
+conversation of another is a thing not to be done, yet repeatedly when
+this unpretentious person has been relating his experience or inquiring
+into the nature and meaning of certain matters which he has witnessed,
+he has become aware that his words have been obliterated, as it were,
+and his remarks diverted from their original intention by the sudden and
+unanticipated desire of those present to express themselves loudly on
+some topic of not really engrossing interest. Not infrequently on such
+occasions every one present has spoken at once with concentrated anxiety
+upon the condition of the weather, the atmosphere of the room, the hour
+of the day, or some like detail of contemptible inferiority. At other
+times maidens of unquestionable politeness have sounded instruments of
+brass or stringed woods with unceasing vigour, have cast down ornaments
+of china, or even stood upon each other’s--or this person’s--feet with
+assumed inelegance. When, therefore, in the midst of my agreeable remark
+on the asserted no fragrance of the hound Hercules, a gentleman of
+habitual refinement struck me somewhat heavily on the back of the head
+with a reclining seat which he was conveying across the room for the
+acceptance of a lady, and immediately overwhelmed me with apologies
+of almost unnecessary profusion, my mind at once leapt to an inspired
+conclusion, and smiling acquiescently I bowed several times to each
+person to convey to them an admission of the undoubted fact that to the
+wise a timely omen before the storm is as effective as a thunderbolt
+afterwards.
+
+It chanced that there was present the exceptionally prepossessing maiden
+to whom this person has already referred. So varied and ornate were her
+attractions that it would be incompetent in one of my less than average
+ability to attempt an adequate portrayal. She had a light-coloured name
+with the letters so harmoniously convoluted as to be quite beyond my
+inferior power of pronunciation, so that if I wished to refer to her
+in her absence I had to indicate the one I meant by likening her to
+a full-blown chrysanthemum, a piece of rare jade, an ivory pagoda of
+unapproachable antiquity, or some other object of admitted grace. Even
+this description may scarcely convey to you the real extent of her
+elegant personality; but in her presence my internal organs never failed
+to vibrate with a most entrancing uncertainty, and even now, at the
+recollection of her virtuous demeanour, I am by no means settled within
+myself.
+
+“Well,” exclaimed this melodious vision, with sympathetic tact, “if
+every one is going to disown poor Hercules because he has eaten all our
+dinners, I shall be quite willing to have him, for he is a dzear ole
+loveykins, wasn’t ums?” (This, O my immaculate and dignified sire, which
+I transcribe with faithful undeviation, appears to be the dialect of
+a remote province, spoken only by maidens--both young and of autumnal
+solitude--under occasional mental stress; as of a native of Shan-si
+relapsing without consciousness into his uncouth tongue after passing a
+lifetime in the Capital.) “Don’t you think so too, Mr. Kong?”
+
+“When the sun shines the shadow falls, for truly it is said, ‘To the
+faithful one even the voice of the corncrake at evening speaks of his
+absent love,’” replied this person, so engagingly disconcerted at
+being thus openly addressed by the maiden that he retained no delicate
+impression of what she said, or even of what he was replying, beyond
+an unassuming hope that the nature of his feelings might perchance be
+inoffensively revealed to her in the semblance of a discreet allegory.
+
+“Perhaps,” interposed a person of neglected refinement, turning towards
+the maiden, “you would like to have a corncrake also, to remind you of
+Mr. Kong?”
+
+“I do not know what a corncrake is like,” replied the maiden with
+commendable dignity. “I do not think so, however, for I once had a pair
+of canaries, and I found them very unsatisfying, insipid creatures. But
+I should love to have a little dog I am sure, only Miss Blank won’t hear
+of it.”
+
+“Kong Ho,” thought this person inwardly, “not in vain have you burnt
+joss sticks unceasingly, for the enchanting one has said into your
+eyes that she would love to partake of a little dog. Assuredly we have
+recently consumed the cold portion of sheep on more occasions than a
+strict honourableness could require of those who pay a stated sum at
+regular intervals, and the change would be a welcome one. As she truly
+says, the flavour even of canaries is trivial and insignificant by
+comparison.” During the period of dinner--which consisted of eggs and
+green herbs of the field--this person allowed the contemplation to grow
+within him, and inspired by a most pleasant and disinterested ambition
+to carry out the expressed wishes of the one who had spoken, he
+determined that the matter should be unobtrusively arranged despite the
+mercenary opposition of the Maidens Blank.
+
+This person had already learned by experience that dogs are rarely if
+ever exposed for sale in the stalls of the meat venders, the reason
+doubtless being that they are articles of excessive luxury and reserved
+by law for the rich and powerful. Those kept by private persons are
+generally closely guarded when they approach a desirable condition of
+body, and the hound Hercules would not prove an attractive dish to those
+who had known him in life. Nevertheless, it is well said, “The Great
+Wall is unsurmountable, but there are many gaps through,” and that
+same evening I was able to carry the first part of my well-intentioned
+surprise into effect.
+
+The matter now involves one named Herbert, who having exchanged gifts
+of betrothal with a maiden staying at the house, was in the habit of
+presenting himself openly, when he was permitted to see her, after the
+manner of these barbarians. (Yet even of them the more discriminating
+acknowledge that our customs are immeasurably superior; for when I
+explained to the aged father of the Maidens Blank that among us the
+marriage rites are irrevocably performed before the bride is seen
+unveiled by man, he sighed heavily and exclaimed that the parents of
+this country had much to learn.)
+
+The genial-minded Herbert had already acquired for himself the
+reputation of being one who ceaselessly removes the gravity of others,
+both by word and action, and from the first he selected this obscure
+person for his charitable purpose to a most flattering extent. Not only
+did he--on the pretext that his memory was rebellious--invariably greet
+me as “Mr. Hong Kong,” but on more than one occasion he insisted, with
+mirth-provoking reference to certain details of my unbecoming garments,
+that I must surely have become confused and sent a Mrs. Hong Kong
+instead of myself, and frequently he undermined the gravity of all most
+successfully by pulling me backwards suddenly by the pigtail, with the
+plea that he imagined he was picking up his riding-whip. This attractive
+person was always accompanied by a formidable dog--of convex limbs,
+shrunken lip, and suspicious demeanour--which he called Influenza, to
+the excessive amusement of those to whom he related its characteristics.
+For some inexplicable reason from the first it regarded my lower apparel
+as being unsuitable for the ordinary occasions of life, and in spite
+of the low hissing call by which its master endeavoured to attract
+its attention to himself, it devoted its energies unceasingly to the
+self-imposed task of removing them fragment by fragment. Nevertheless it
+was a dog of favourable size and condition, and it need not therefore be
+a matter for surprise that when the intellectual person Herbert took
+his departure on the day in question it had to be assumed that it had
+already preceded him. Having accomplished so much, this person found
+little difficulty in preparing it tastefully in his own apartment, and
+making the substitution on the following day.
+
+Although his mind was confessedly enlarged at the success of his
+venture, and his hopes most ornamentally coloured at the thought of the
+adorable one’s gratified esteem when she discovered how expertly her
+wishes had been carried out, this person could not fail to notice that
+the Maiden Blank was also materially agitated when she distributed the
+contents of the dish before her.
+
+“Will you, of your enlightened courtesy, accept, and overlook the
+deficiencies of, a portion of rabbit-pie, O high-souled Mr. Kong?” she
+inquired gracefully when this insignificant person was reached, and,
+concealing my many-hued emotion beneath an impassive face, I bowed
+agreeably as I replied, “To the beggar, black bread is a royal course.”
+
+“WHAT pie did you say, dear?” whispered another autumnal maiden, when
+all had partaken somewhat, and at her words a most consistently acute
+silence involved the table.
+
+“I--I don’t quite know,” replied the one of the upper end, becoming
+excessively devoid of complexion; and restraining her voice she
+forthwith sent down an attending slave to inquire closely.
+
+At this point a person of degraded ancestry endeavoured to remove the
+undoubted cloud of depression by feigning the nocturnal cry of the
+domestic cat; but in this he was not successful, and a maiden opposite,
+after fixedly regarding a bone on her plate, withdrew suddenly,
+embracing herself as she went. A moment later the slave returned,
+proclaiming aloud that the dish which had been prepared for the occasion
+had now been accidentally discovered by the round-bodied cook beneath
+the cushions of an arm-chair (a spot by no means satisfactory to this
+person’s imagination had the opportunities at his disposal been more
+diffuse).
+
+“What, then, is this of which we have freely partaken?” cried they
+around, and, in the really impressive silence which followed, an
+inopportune person discovered a small silver tablet among the fragments
+upon his plate, and, taking it up, read aloud the single word,
+“Influenza.”
+
+During the day, and even far into the uncounted gong-strokes of the
+time of darkness, this person had frequently remained in a fascinated
+contemplation of the moment when he should reveal himself and stand up
+to receive the benevolently-expressed congratulations of all who paid
+an agreed sum at fixed intervals, and, particularly, the dazzling though
+confessedly unsettling glance-thanks of the celestially-formed maiden
+who had explicitly stated that she was desirous of having a little
+dog. Now, however, when this part of the enterprise ought to have taken
+place, I found myself unable to evade the conclusion that some important
+detail of the entire scheme had failed to agree harmoniously with the
+rest, and, had it been possible, I would have retired with unobtrusive
+tact and permitted another to wear my honourable acquirements. But, for
+some reason, as I looked around I perceived that every eye was fixed
+upon me with what at another time would have been a most engaging
+unanimity, and, although I bowed with undeterred profusion, and
+endeavoured to walk out behind an expression of all-comprehensive
+urbanity that had never hitherto failed me, a person of unsympathetic
+outline placed himself before the door, and two others, standing one
+on each side of me, gave me to understand that a recital of the full
+happening was required before I left the room.
+
+It is hopeless to expect a display of refined intelligence at the hands
+of a people sunk in barbarism and unacquainted with the requirements of
+true dignity and the essentials of food preparation. On the manner
+of behaving of the male portion of those present this person has
+no inducement whatever to linger. Even the maiden for whom he had
+accomplished so much, after the nature of the misunderstanding had been
+made plain to her, uttered only a single word of approval, which, on
+subsequently consulting a book of interpretations, this person found to
+indicate: “A person of weak intellect; one without an adequate sense of
+the proportion and fitness of things; a buffoon; a jester; a compound of
+gooseberries scalded and crushed with cream”; but although each of these
+definitions may in a way be regarded as applicable, he is still unable
+to decide which was the precise one intended.
+
+With salutations of filial regard, and in a spirit seven times refined
+by affliction and purified by vain regrets.
+
+                                     KONG HO.
+
+(Upon whose tablet posterity will perchance inscribe the titles,
+“Ill-destined but Misjudged.”)
+
+
+
+
+LETTER III
+
+
+ Concerning the virtuous amusements of both old and young.
+ The sit-round games. The masterpiece of the divine Li Tang,
+ and its reception by all, including that same Herbert.
+
+
+Venerated Sire (whose breadth of mind is so well developed as to take
+for granted boundless filial professions, which, indeed, become vapid by
+a too frequent reiteration),--
+
+Your amiable inquiry as to how the barbarians pass their time, when not
+employed in affairs of commerce or in worshipping their ancestors, has
+inspired me to examine the matter more fully. At the same time your
+pleasantly-composed aphorism that the interior nature of persons does
+not vary with the colour of their eyes, and that if I searched I should
+find the old flying kites and the younger kicking feather balls or
+working embroidery, according to their sex, does not appear to be
+accurately sustained.
+
+The lesser ones, it is true, engage in a variety of sumptuous
+handicrafts, such as the scorching of wooden tablets with the semblance
+of a pattern, and gouging others with sharpened implements into a crude
+relief; depicting birds and flowers upon the surface of plates, rending
+leather into shreds, and entwining beaten iron, brass, and copper into a
+diversity of most ingenious complications; but when I asked a maiden of
+affectionate and domesticated appearance whether she had yet worked her
+age-stricken father’s coffin-cloth, she said that the subject was one
+upon which she declined to jest, and rapidly involving herself in a
+profuse display of emotion, she withdrew, leaving this one aghast.
+
+To enable my mind to retranquillise, I approached a youth
+of highly-gilded appearance, and, with many predictions of
+self-inferiority, I suggested that we should engage in the stimulating
+rivalry of feather ball. When he learned, however, that the diversion
+consisted in propelling upwards a feather-trimmed chip by striking it
+against the side of the foot, he candidly replied that he was afraid
+he had grown out of shuttle-cock, but did not mind, if I was vigorously
+inclined, “taking me on for a set of yang-pong.”
+
+Old men here, it is said, do not fly kites, and they affect to despise
+catching flies for amusement, although they frequently go fishing.
+Struck by this peculiarity, I put it in the form of an inquiry to one
+of venerable appearance, why, when at least five score flies were
+undeniably before his eyes, he preferred to recline for lengthy periods
+by the side of a stream endeavouring to snare creatures of whose
+existence he himself had never as yet received any adequate proof.
+Doubtless in my contemptible ignorance, however, I used some word
+inaccurately, for those who stood around suffered themselves to become
+amused, and the one in question replied with no pretence of amiable
+condescension that the jest had already been better expressed a hundred
+times, and that I would find the behind parts of a printed leaf
+called “Punch” in the bookcase. Not being desirous of carrying on
+a conversation of which I felt that I had misplaced the most highly
+rectified ingredient, I bowed repeatedly, and replied affably that
+wisdom ruled his left side and truth his right.
+
+It was upon this same occasion that a young man of unprejudiced
+wide-mindedness, taking me aside, asserted that the matter had not been
+properly set forth when I was inquiring about kites. Both old and young
+men, he continued, frequently endeavoured to fly kites, even in the
+involved heart of the city. He had tried once or twice himself, but
+never with encouraging success, chiefly, he was told, because his paper
+was not good enough. Many people, he added, would not scruple to mislead
+me with evasive ambiguity on this one subject owing to an ill-balanced
+conception of what constituted true dignity, but he was unwilling
+that his countrymen should be thought by mine to be sunk into a deeper
+barbarism than actually existed.
+
+His warning was not inopportune. Seated next to this person at a later
+period was a maiden from whose agreeably-poised lips had hitherto
+proceeded nothing but sincerity and fact. Watching her closely I asked
+her, as one who only had a languid interest either one way or the
+other, whether her revered father or her talented and richly-apparelled
+brothers ever spent their time flying kites about the city. In spite of
+a most efficient self-control her colour changed at my words, and her
+features trembled for a moment, but quickly reverting to herself she
+replied that she thought not; then--as though to subdue my suspicions
+more completely--that she was sure they did not, as the kites would
+certainly frighten the horses and the appointed watchmen of the street
+would not allow it. She confessed, however, with unassumed candour, that
+the immediate descendants of her sister were gracefully proficient in
+the art.
+
+From this, great and enlightened one, you will readily perceive
+how misleading an impression might be carried away by a person
+scrupulously-intentioned but not continually looking both ways, when
+placed among a people endowed with the uneasy suspicion of the barbarian
+and struggling to assert a doubtful refinement. Apart from this, there
+has to be taken into consideration their involved process of reasoning,
+and the unexpectedly different standards which they apply to every
+subject.
+
+At the house of the Maidens Blank, when the evening was not spent in
+listening to melodious voices and the harmony of stringed woods, it was
+usual to take part in sit-round games of various kinds. (And while it
+is on his brush this person would say with commendable pride that a
+well-trained musician among us can extort more sound from a hollow
+wooden pig, costing only a few cash, than the most skilful here ever
+attain on their largest instrument--a highly-lacquered coffin on legs,
+filled with bells and hidden springs, and frequently sold for a thousand
+taels.)
+
+Upon a certain evening, at the conclusion of one sit-round game which
+involved abrupt music, a barrier of chairs, and the exhilarating
+possibility of being sat upon by the young and vivacious in their zeal,
+a person of the company turned suddenly to the one who is communicating
+with you and said enticingly, “Why did Birdcage Walk?”
+
+Not judging from his expression that this was other than a polite
+inquiry on a matter which disturbed his repose, I was replying that the
+manifestation was undoubtedly the work of a vexatious demon which had
+taken up its abode in the article referred to, when another, by my side,
+cried aloud, “Because it envied Queen Anne’s Gate”; and without a pause
+cast back the question, “Who carved The Poultry?”
+
+In spite of the apparent simplicity of the demand it was received by
+all in an attitude of complicated doubt, and this person was considering
+whether he might not acquire distinction by replying that such an office
+fell by custom to the lot of the more austere Maiden Blank, when the
+very inadequate reply, “Mark Lane with St. Mary’s Axe,” was received
+with applause and some observations in a half-tone regarding the
+identity of the fowl.
+
+By the laws of the sit-round games the one who had last spoken now
+proclaimed himself, demanding to know, “Why did Battersea Rise?” but the
+involvement was evidently superficial, for the maiden at whose memory
+this one’s organs still vibrate ignobly at once replied, “Because it
+thought Clapham Common,” in turn inquiring, “What made the Marble Arch?”
+
+Although I would have willingly sacrificed to an indefinite extent to be
+furnished with the preconcerted watchword, so that I might have enlarged
+myself in the eyes of this consecrated being’s unapproachable esteem,
+I had already decided that the competition was too intangible for
+one whose thoughts lay in well-defined parallel lines, and it fell to
+another to reply, “To hear Salisbury Court.”
+
+This, O my broad-minded ancestor of the first degree--an aimless
+challenge coupled with the name of one recognisable spot, replied to by
+the haphazard retort of another place, frequently in no way joined to
+it, was regarded as an exceptionally fascinating sit-round game by a
+company of elderly barbarians!
+
+“What couldn’t Walbrook?” it might be, and “Such Cheapside,” would be
+deemed a praiseworthy solution. “When did King’s Bench Walk?” would
+be asked, and to reply, “When Gray’s Inn Road,” covered the one with
+overpowering acclamation. “Bevis Marks only an Inner Circle at The
+Butts; why?” was a demand of such elaborate complexity that (although
+this person was lured out of his self-imposed restraint by the silence
+of all round, and submerging his intelligence to an acquired level,
+unobtrusively suggested, “Because Aylesbury ducks, perchance”) it fell
+to the one propounding to announce, “Because St. John’s Wood Shoot-up
+Hill.”
+
+Admittedly it is written, “When the shutter is fastened the girdle is
+loosened,” but it is as truly said, “Not in the head, nor yet in the
+feet, but in the organs of digestion does wisdom reside,” and even in
+jesting the middle course of neither an excessive pride nor an absolute
+weak-mindedness is to be observed. With what concrete pangs of acute
+mental distress would this person ever behold his immaculate progenitor
+taking part in a similar sit-round game with an assembly of worthy
+mandarins, the one asking questions of meaningless import, as “Why
+did they Hangkow?” and another replying in an equal strain of no
+consecutiveness, “In order to T’in Tung!”
+
+At length a person who is spoken of as having formerly been the captain
+of a band of warriors turned to me with an unsuspected absence of
+ferocity and said, “Your countrymen are very proficient in the art
+of epigram, are they not, Mr. Kong? Will you not, in turn, therefore,
+favour us with an example?” Whereupon several maidens exclaimed with
+engaging high temper, “Oh yes; do ask us some funny Chinese riddles, Mr.
+Kong!”
+
+“Assuredly there are among us many classical instances of the light
+sayings which require matching,” I replied, gratified that I should have
+the opportunity of showing their superiority. “One, harmonious
+beyond the blend of challenge and retort, is as follows--‘The Phoenix
+embroidered upon the side of the shoe: When the shoe advances the
+Phoenix leaps forward.’”
+
+“Oh!” cried several of the maidens, and from the nature of their glances
+it might reasonably be gathered that already they began to recognise the
+inferiority of their own sayings.
+
+“Is that the question, or the answer, or both?” asked a youth of
+unfledged maturity, and to hide their conscious humiliation several
+persons allowed their faces to melt away.
+
+“That which has been expressed,” replied this person with an ungrudging
+toleration, “is the first or question portion of the contrast. The
+answer is that which will be supplied by your honourable condescension.”
+
+“But,” interposed one of the maidens, “it isn’t really a question, you
+know, Mr. Kong.”
+
+“In a way of regarding it, it may be said to be question, inasmuch as it
+requires an answer to establish the comparison. The most pleasing answer
+is that which shall be dissimilar in idea, and yet at the same time
+maintain the most perfect harmony of parallel thought,” I replied. “Now
+permit your exceptional minds to wander in a forest of similitudes: ‘The
+Phoenix embroidered upon the side of the shoe: When the shoe advances
+the Phoenix leaps forward.’”
+
+“Oh, if that’s all you want,” said the one Herbert, who by an ill
+destiny chanced to be present, “‘The red-hot poker held before the Cat’s
+nose: When the poker advances the Cat leaps backwards.’”
+
+“Oh, very good!” cried several of those around, “of course it naturally
+would. Is that right, Mr. Kong?”
+
+“If the high-souled company is satisfied, then it must be, for there is
+no conclusive right or wrong--only an unending search for that which
+is most gem-set and resourceful,” replied this person, with an
+ever-deepening conviction of no enthusiasm towards the sit-round game.
+“But,” he added, resolved to raise for a moment the canopy of a mind
+swan-like in its crystal many-sidedness, and then leave them to their
+own ineptitude, “for five centuries nothing has been judged equal to
+the solution offered by Li Tang. At the time he was presented with
+a three-sided banner of silk with the names of his eleven immediate
+ancestors embroidered upon it in seven colours, and his own name is
+still handed down in imperishable memory.”
+
+“Oh, do tell us what it was,” cried many. “It must have been clever.”
+
+“‘The Dragon painted upon the face of the fan: When the fan is shaken
+the Dragon flies upwards,’” replied this person.
+
+It cannot be denied that this was received with an attitude of
+respectful melancholy strikingly complimentary to the wisdom of the
+gifted Li Tang. But whether it may be that the time was too short to
+assimilate the more subtle delicacies of the saying, or whether the
+barbarian mind is inherently devoid of true balance, this person was
+panged most internally to hear one say to another as he went out, “Do
+you know, I really think that Herbert’s was much the better answer of
+the two--more realistic, and what you might expect at the pantomime.”
+
+
+A like inability to grasp with a clear and uninvolved vision, permeates
+not only the triviality of a sit-round game but even the most important
+transactions of existence.
+
+Shortly after his arrival in the Island, this person was initiated
+by the widely-esteemed Quang-Tsun into the private life of one whose
+occupation was that of a Law-giver, where he frequently drank tea
+on terms of mutual cordiality. Upon such an occasion he was one day
+present, conversing with the lesser ones of the household--the head
+thereof being absent, setting forth the Law in the Temple--when one of
+the maidens cried out with amiable vivacity, “Why, Mr. Kong, you say
+such consistently graceful things of the ladies you have met over here,
+that we shall expect you to take back an English wife with you. But
+perhaps you are already married in China?”
+
+“The conclusion is undeviating in its accuracy,” replied this person,
+unable to evade the allusion. “To Ning, Hia-Fa and T’ain Yen, as the
+matter stands.”
+
+“Ning Hia-Fa An T’ain Yen!” exclaimed the wife of the Law-giver
+pleasantly. “What an important name. Can you pardon our curiosity and
+tell us what she is like?”
+
+“Ning, Hia-Fa AND T’ain Yen,” repeated this person, not submitting to
+be deprived of the consequence of two wives without due protest. “Three
+names, three wives. Three very widely separated likes.”
+
+At this in no way boastfully uttered statement the agreeably outlined
+surface of the faces around variated suddenly, the effect being one
+which I have frequently observed in the midst of my politest expressions
+of felicity. For a moment, indeed, I could not disguise from myself that
+the one who had made the inquiry stretched forth her lotus-like hand
+towards the secret spring by which it is customary to summon the
+attending slaves from the underneath parts, but restraining herself
+with the manner of one who would desire to make less of a thing that it
+otherwise might seem, she turned to me again.
+
+“How nice!” she murmured. “What a pity you did not bring them all with
+you, Mr. Kong. They would have been a great acquisition.”
+
+“Yet it must be well weighed,” I replied, not to be out-complimented
+touching one another, “that here they would have met so many fine and
+superior gentlemen that they might have become dissatisfied with my less
+than average prepossessions.”
+
+“I wonder if they did not think of that in your case, and refuse to let
+you come,” said one of the maidens.
+
+“The various persons must not be regarded as being on their all fours,”
+ I replied, anxious that there should be no misunderstanding on this
+point. “They, of course, reside within one inner chamber, but there
+would be no duplicity in this one adding indefinitely to the number.”
+
+“Of course not; how silly of me!” exclaimed the maiden. “What splendid
+musical evenings you can have. But tell me, Mr. Kong (ought it not to be
+Messrs. Kong, mamma?), if a girl married you here would she be legally
+married to you in China?”
+
+“Oh yes,” replied this person positively.
+
+“But could you not, by your own laws, have the marriage set aside
+whenever you wished?”
+
+“Assuredly,” I admitted. “It is so appointed.”
+
+“Then how could she be legally married?” she persisted, with really
+unbecoming suspicion.
+
+“Legally married, legally unmarried,” replied this person, quite
+distressed within himself at not being able to understand the difficulty
+besetting her. “All perfectly legal and honourably observed.”
+
+“I think, Gwendoline--” said the one of authority, and although the
+matter was no further expressed, by an instinct which he was powerless
+to avert, this person at once found himself rising with ceremonious
+partings.
+
+Not desiring that the obstacle should remain so inadequately swept
+away, I have turned my presumptuous footsteps in the direction of the
+Law-giver’s house on several later occasions, but each time the word of
+the slave guarding the door has been that they of the household,
+down even to those of the most insignificant degree of kinship, have
+withdrawn to a distant and secluded spot.
+
+With renewed assurances that the enterprise is being gracefully
+conducted, however ill-digested and misleading these immature
+compositions may appear.
+
+                                     KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER IV
+
+
+ Concerning a desire to expatiate upon subjects of
+ philosophical importance and its no accomplishment. Three
+ examples of the mental concavity sunk into by these
+ barbarians. An involved episode which had the outward
+ appearance of being otherwise than what it was.
+
+
+Venerated Sire (whose genial liberality on all necessary occasions
+is well remembered by this person in his sacrifices, with the titles
+“Benevolent” and “Open-sleeved”),--
+
+I had it in my head at one time to tell you somewhat of the Classics
+most reverenced in this country, of the philosophical opinions which
+prevail, and to enlighten you generally upon certain other subjects of
+distinguished eminence. As the deities arranged, however, it chanced
+that upon my way to a reputable quarter of the city where the actuality
+of these matters can be learnt with the least evasion, my footsteps were
+drawn aside by an incident which now permeates my truth-laden brush to
+the exclusion of all else.
+
+But in the first place, if it be permitted for a thoroughly
+untrustworthy son to take so presumptuous a liberty with an unvaryingly
+sagacious father, let this one entreat you to regard everything he
+writes in a very wide-headed spirit of looking at the matter from all
+round. My former letters will have readily convinced you that much that
+takes place here, even among those who can afford long finger-nails,
+would not be tolerated in Yuen-ping, and in order to avoid the suspicion
+that I am suffering from a serious injury to the head, or have become
+a prey to a conflicting demon, it will be necessary to continue an
+even more highly-sustained tolerant alertness. This person himself has
+frequently suffered the ill effects of rashly assuming that because he
+is conducting the adventure in a prepossessing spirit his efforts will
+be honourably received, as when he courteously inquired the ages of a
+company of maidens into whose presence he was led, and complimented the
+one whom he was desirous of especially gratifying by assuring her that
+she had every appearance of being at least twice the nine-and-twenty
+years to which she modestly laid claim.
+
+Upon another occasion I entered a barber’s stall, and finding it
+oppressively hot within, I commanded the attendant to carry a reclining
+stool into the street and there shave my lower limbs and anoint my head.
+As he hesitated to obey--doubtless on account of the trivial labour
+involved--I repeated my words in a tone of fuller authority, holding out
+the inducement of a just payment when he complied, and assuring him that
+he would certainly be dragged before the nearest mandarin and tortured
+if he held his joints stiffly. At this he evidently understood his
+danger, for obsequiously protesting that he was only a barber of very
+mean attainments, and that his deformed utensils were quite inadequate
+for the case, he very courteously directed me in inquire for a public
+chariot bound for a quarter called Colney Hatch (the place of commerce,
+it is reasonable to infer, of the higher class barbers), and, seating
+myself in it, instruct the attendant to put me down at the large gates,
+where they possessed every requisite appliance, and also would, if
+desirable, shave my head also. Here the incident assumes a more doubtful
+guise, for, notwithstanding the admitted politeness of the one who
+spoke, each of those to whom I subsequently addressed myself on the
+subject, presented to me a face quite devoid of encouragement. While
+none actually pointed out the vehicle I sought, many passed on in a
+state of inward contemplation without replying, and some--chiefly the
+attendants of other chariots of a similar kind--replied in what I deemed
+to be a spirit of elusive metaphor, as he who asserted that such a
+conveyance must be sought for at a point known intimately as the Aldgate
+Pump, whence it started daily at half-past the thirteenth gong-stroke;
+and another, who maintained that I had no prospect of reaching the
+desired spot until I secured the services of one of a class of female
+attendants who wear flowing blue robes in order to indicate that they
+are prepared to encounter and vanquish any emergency in life. To make no
+elaborate pretence in the matter this person may definitely admit that
+he never did reach the place in question, nor--in spite of a diligent
+search in which he has encountered much obloquy--has he yet found any
+barber sufficiently well equipped to undertake the detail.
+
+Even more recently I suffered the unmerited rebuke of the superficial
+through performing an act of deferential politeness. Learning that the
+enlightened and magnanimous sovereign of this country was setting out on
+a journey I stationed myself in the forefront of those who stood before
+his palace, intending to watch such parts of the procession as might be
+fitly witnessed by one of my condition. When these had passed, and the
+chariot of the greatest approached, I respectfully turned my back to
+the road with a propitiatory gesture, as of one who did not deem himself
+worthy even to look upon a being of such majestic rank and acknowledged
+excellence. This delicate action, by some incredible process of mental
+obliquity, was held by those around to be a deliberate insult, if not
+even a preconcerted signal, of open treachery, and had not a heaven-sent
+breeze at that moment carried the hat of a very dignified bystander into
+the upper branches of an opportune tree, and successfully turned aside
+the attention of the assembly into a most immoderate exhibition of utter
+loss of gravity, I should undoubtedly have been publicly tortured, if
+not actually torn to pieces.
+
+But the incident first alluded to was of an even more
+elaborately-contrived density than these, and some of the details are
+still unrolled before the keenest edge of this one’s inner perception.
+Nevertheless, all is now set down in unbroken exactness for your
+impartial judgment.
+
+At the time of this exploit I had only ventured out on a few occasions,
+and then, save those recorded, to no considerable extent; for it had
+already become obvious that the enterprises in which I persistently
+became involved never contributed to my material prosperity, and the
+disappointment of finding that even when I could remember nine words
+of a sentence in their language none of the barbarians could understand
+even so much as a tenth of my own, further cast down my enthusiasm.
+
+On the day which has been the object of this person’s narration from
+the first, he set out to become more fully instructed in the subjects
+already indicated, and proceeding in a direction of which he had no
+actual knowledge, he soon found himself in a populous and degraded
+quarter of the city. Presently, to his reasonable astonishment, he saw
+before him at a point where two ill-constructed thoroughfares met, a
+spacious and important building, many-storied in height, ornamented
+with a profusion of gold and crystal, marble and precious stones,
+and displaying from a tall pole the three-hued emblem of undeniable
+authority. A never-ending stream of people passed in and out by the
+numerous doors; the strains of expertly wielded instruments could be
+distinctly heard inside, and the warm odour of a most prepossessing
+spiced incense permeated the surroundings. “Assuredly,” thought the
+person who is now recording the incident, “this is one of the Temples
+of barbarian worship”; and to set all further doubt at rest he saw in
+letters of gilt splendour a variety of praiseworthy and appropriate
+inscriptions, among which he read and understood, “Excellent,” “Fine
+Old,” “Well Matured,” “Spirits only of the choicest quality within,”
+ together with many other invocations from which he could not wrest the
+hidden significance, as “Old Vatted,” “Barclay’s Entire,” “An Ordinary
+at One,” and the like.
+
+By this time an impressive gathering had drawn around, and from its
+manner of behaving conveyed the suspicion that an entertainment or
+manifestation of some kind was confidently awaited. To disperse so
+outrageous a misconception this person was on the point of withdrawing
+himself when he chanced to see, over the principal door of the Temple,
+a solid gold figure of colossal magnitude, represented as crowned with
+leaves and tendrils, and holding in his outstretched hands a gigantic,
+and doubtless symbolic, bunch of grapes. “This,” I said to myself, “is
+evidently the tutelary deity of the place, so displayed to receive the
+worship of the passer-by.” With the discovery a thought of the most
+irreproachable benevolence possessed me. “Why should not this person,” I
+reflected, “gain the unstinted approbation of those barbarians” (who by
+this time completely encircled me in) “by doing obeisance towards their
+deity, and by the same act delicately and inoffensively rebuke them for
+their own too-frequent intolerable attitude towards the susceptibilities
+of others? As an unprejudiced follower, in his own land, of the systems
+of Confucius, Lao-tse, and Buddha, this person already recognises the
+claims of seventeen thousand nine hundred and thirty-three deities of
+various grades, so that the addition of one more to that number can be
+a heresy of very trivial expiation.” Inspired by these honourable
+sentiments, therefore, I at once prostrated myself on the ground, and,
+amid a silence of really illimitable expectation, I began to kow-tow
+repeatedly with ceremonious precision.
+
+At this display of charitable broadmindedness an approving shout went
+up on all sides. Thus encouraged I proceeded to kow-tow with even more
+unceasing assiduousness, and presently words of definite encouragement
+mingled with the shout. “Do not flag in your amiable disinterestedness,
+Kong Ho,” I whispered in my ear, “and out of your well-sustained
+endurance may perchance arise a cordial understanding, and ultimately
+a remunerative alliance between two distinguished nations.” Filled with
+this patriotic hope I did not suffer my neck to stiffen, and doubtless I
+would have continued the undertaking as long as the sympathetic persons
+who hemmed me in signified their refined approval, when suddenly the cry
+was raised, “Look out, here comes the coppers!”
+
+This, O my venerable-headed father, I at once guessed to be the
+announcement heralding the collecting-bowl which some over-zealous
+bystander was preparing to pass round on my behalf, doubtless under the
+impression--so obtuse in grasping the true relationship of events are
+many of the barbarians--that I was a wandering monk, displaying my
+reverence for the purpose of mendicancy. Not wishing to profit by this
+offensive misapprehension, I was preparing to rise, when a hand was
+unceremoniously laid upon my shoulder, and turning round I saw behind me
+one of the official watch--a class of men so powerful that at a gesture
+from their uplifted hands even the fiercest untamed horse will not
+infrequently stand upon its hind legs in mute submission.
+
+“Early morning salutations,” I said pleasantly, though somewhat involved
+in speech by my exertion (for these persons are ever to be treated
+with discriminating courtesy). “Prosperity to your house, O energetic
+street-watcher, and a thousand grandsons to worship their illustrious
+ancestor.”
+
+“Thanks,” he replied concisely. “I’m a single man. As yet. Now then,
+will you make a way there? Can you stand?”
+
+“Stand?” repeated this person, at once recognising one of the important
+words of inner meaning concerning which he had been initiated by the
+versatile Quang-Tsun. “Certainly this person will not hesitate to
+establish his footing if the exaction is thought to be desirable.
+Let us, therefore, bend our steps in the direction of a tea-house of
+unquestionable propriety.”
+
+“You’ve bent your steps into quite enough tea-houses, as you call them,
+for one day,” replied the official with evasive meaning, at the same
+time assisting me to rise (for it need not be denied that the restrained
+position had made me for the moment incapable of a self-sustaining
+effort). “Look what you’ve done.”
+
+At the direction of his glance I cast my eyes along the street, east and
+west, and for the first time I became aware that what I had last seen as
+a reasonable gathering had now taken the proportions of an innumerable
+multitude which filled the entire space of the thoroughfare, while
+others covered the roofs above and protruded themselves from every
+available window. In our own land the interspersal of umbrellas, musical
+instruments, and banners, with an occasional firework, would have given
+a greater animation to the scene; but with this exception I have never
+taken part in a more impressive and well-extended procession. Even
+while I looked, the helmets of other official watchers appeared in the
+distance, as immature junks upon the storm-tossed Whang-Hai, apparently
+striving fruitlessly to reach us.
+
+As I was by no means sure what attitude was expected of me, I smiled
+with an all-embracing approval, and signified to the one at my side, by
+way of passing the time pleasurably together, that the likelihood of his
+nimble-witted friends reaching us with unruffled garments was remote in
+the extreme.
+
+“Don’t you let that worry you, Li Hung Chang,” he said, in a tone that
+had the appearance of being outside itself around a deeper and more
+bitter significance; “if we get out again with any garments at all it
+won’t be your fault. Why, you--well, YOU ought to have been put on the
+Black List long ago, by rights.”
+
+This, exalted one, although I have not yet been able to learn the exact
+dignity of it from any of the books of civil honours, is undoubtedly
+a mark of signal attainment, conferred upon the few for distinguishing
+themselves by some particular capacity; as our Double Dragon, for
+instance. Anxious to learn something of the privileges of the rank from
+one who evidently was not without influence in the bestowal, and not
+unwilling to show him that I was by no means of low-caste descent, I
+said to the official, “In his own country one of this person’s ancestors
+wore the Decoration of the Yellow Scabbard, which entitled him to be
+carried in his chair up to the gate of the Forbidden Palace before
+descending to touch the ground. Is this Order of the Black List of a
+like purport?”
+
+“You’re right,” he said, “it is. In this country it entitles you to be
+carried right inside the door at Bow Street without ever touching the
+ground. Look out! Now we shall not--”
+
+At that moment what this person at first assumed to be a floral tribute,
+until he saw that not only the entire plant, but the earthenware jar
+also were attached, struck the official upon the helmet, whereupon,
+drawing a concealed club, he ceased speaking.
+
+How the entertainment was conducted to such a development this person is
+totally inadequate to express; but in an incredibly short space of time
+the scene became one of most entrancing variety. From every visible
+point around the air became filled with commodities which--though
+doubtless without set intention--fittingly represented the arts,
+manufactures, and natural history of this resourceful country, all cast
+in prolific abundance at the feet of the official and myself, although
+the greater part inevitably struck our heads and bodies before reaching
+them. Beyond our immediate circle, as it may be expressed, the crowd
+never ceased to press forward with resistless activity, and among
+it could be seen occasionally the official watchmen advancing
+self-reliantly, though frequently without helmets, and, not less often,
+the helmets advancing without the official watchmen. To add to the
+acknowledged interest, every person present was proclaiming his views
+freely on a diversity of subjects, and above all could be heard the
+clear notes of the musical instruments by which the officials sought
+to encourage one another in their extremity, and to deaden the cries of
+those whom they outclubbed.
+
+Despite this person’s repeated protests that the distinction was too
+excessive, he was plucked from hand to hand irresistibly among those
+around, losing a portion of his ill-made attire at each step, so
+agreeably anxious were all to detain him. Just when the exploit seemed
+likely to have a disagreeable ending, however, he was thrust heavily
+against a door which yielded, and at once barring it behind him, he
+passed across the open space into which it led, along a passage between
+two walls, and thence through an involved labyrinth and beneath the
+waters of a canal into a wood of attractive seclusion. Here this person
+remained, spending the time in a profitable meditation, until the light
+withdrew and the great sky lantern had ascended. Then he cautiously
+crept forth, and after some further trivial episodes which chiefly
+concern the obstinate-headed slave guarding the outer door of a
+tea-house, an unintelligent maiden in the employment of one vending
+silk-embroidered raiment, the mercenary controller of a two-wheeled
+chariot and the sympathetic and opportune arrival of a person seated
+upon a funeral car, he succeeded in reaching the place of his abode.
+
+With unalterable affection and a material request that an unstinted
+adequacy of new garments may be sent by a sure and speedy hand.
+
+                                     KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER V
+
+
+ Concerning the neglect of ancestors and its discreditable
+ consequences. Two who state the matter definitely.
+ Concerning the otherside way of looking at things and the
+ self-contradictory bearing of the maiden Florence.
+
+
+Venerated Sire,--A discovery of overwhelming malignity oppresses me. In
+spite of much baffling ambiguity and the frequent evasion of conscious
+guilt, there can be no longer any reasonable doubt that these barbarians
+_do not worship their ancestors!_
+
+Hitherto the matter had rested in my mind as an uneasy breath of
+suspicion, agitated from time to time by countless indications that
+such a possibility might, indeed, exist in a condensed form, but too
+inauspiciously profane to be contemplated in the altogether. Thus, when
+in the company of the young this person has walked about the streets
+of the city, he may at length have said, “Truly, out of your amiable
+condescension, you have shown me a variety of entrancing scenes. Let
+us now in turn visit the tombs of your ancestors, to the end that I may
+transmit fitting gifts to their spirits and discharge a few propitious
+fireworks as a greeting.” Yet in no case has this well-intentioned
+offer been agilely received, one asserting that he did not know
+the resting-place of the tombs in question, a second that he had no
+ancestors, a third that Kensal Green was not an entrancing spot for
+a wet afternoon, a fourth that he would see them removed to a greater
+distance first, another that he drew the line at mafficking in a
+cemetery, and the like. These things, it may occur to your omniscience,
+might in themselves have been conclusive, yet the next reference to the
+matter would perhaps be tending to a more alluring hope.
+
+“To-morrow,” a person has remarked in the hearing of this one, “I go
+to the Stratford which is upon the Avon, and without a pause I shall
+prostrate myself intellectually before the immortal Shakespeare’s tomb
+and worship his unequalled memory.”
+
+“The intention is benevolently conceived,” I remarked. “Yet has he no
+descendants, this same Shakespeare, that the conciliation of his spirit
+must be left to chance?”
+
+When he assured me that this calamity had come about, I would have added
+a richly-gilded brick from my store for transmission also, in the hope
+that the neglected and capricious shadow would grant me an immunity from
+its resentful attention, but the one in question raised a barrier of
+dissent. If I wished to adorn a tomb, he added (evading the deeper
+significance of the act), there was that of Goldsmith within its Temple,
+upon which many impressionable maidens from across the Bitter Waters of
+the West make it a custom to deposit chaplets of verses, in the hope
+of seeing the offering chronicled in the papers; and in the Open Space
+called Trafalgar there were the images of a great captain who led many
+junks to victory and the Emperor of a former dynasty, where doubtless
+the matter could be arranged; but the surrounding had by this time
+become too involved, and this person had no alternative but to smile
+symmetrically and reply that his words were indeed opals falling from a
+topaz basin.
+
+Later in the day, being desirous of becoming instructed more definitely,
+I addressed myself to a venerable person who makes clean the passage of
+the way at a point not far distant.
+
+“If you have no sons to extend your industrious line,” I said, when he
+had revealed this fact to me, “why do you not adopt one to that end?”
+
+With narrow-minded covetousness, he replied that nowadays he had enough
+to do to keep himself, and that it would be more reasonable to get some
+one to adopt HIM.
+
+“But,” I exclaimed, ignoring this ill-timed levity, “who, when you
+have Passed Beyond, will worship you and transmit to your spirit the
+necessities of life?”
+
+“Governor,” he replied, using the term of familiar dignity, “I’ve made
+shift without being worshipped for five and sixty years, and it worries
+me a sight more to know who will transmit to my body the necessities of
+life until I HAVE Passed Beyond.”
+
+“The final consequences of your self-opinionated carelessness,” this
+person continued, “will be that your neglected and unprovided shadow,
+finding itself no longer acceptable to the society of the better
+class demons, will wander forth, and allying itself in despair to the
+companionship of a band of outcasts like itself, will be driven to dwell
+in unclean habitations and to subsist on the uncertain bounty of the
+charitable.”
+
+“Very likely,” replied the irredeemable person before me. “I can’t help
+its troubles. I have to do all that myself as it is.”
+
+Doubtless this fanaticism contains the secret of the ease with which
+these barbarians have possessed themselves of the greater part of the
+earth, and have even planted their assertive emblems on one or two spots
+in our own Flowery Kingdom. What, O my esteemed parent, what can a brave
+but devout and demon-fearing nation do when opposed to a people who are
+quite prepared to die without first leaving an adequate posterity to
+tend their shrines and offer incense? Assuredly, as a neighbouring
+philosopher once had occasion to remark, using for his purpose a
+metaphor so technically-involved that I must leave the interpretation
+until we meet, “It may be war, but it isn’t cricket.”
+
+The inevitable outcome, naturally, is that the Island must be the
+wandering-place of myriads of spirits possessing no recognised standing,
+and driven by want--having none to transmit them offerings--to the most
+degraded subterfuges. It is freely admitted that there is scarcely an
+ancient building not the abode of one or more of these abandoned demons,
+doubtless well-disposed in the first instance, and capable of becoming
+really beneficent Forces until they were driven to despair by obstinate
+neglect. A society of very honourable persons (to which this one has
+unobtrusively contributed a gift), exists for the purpose of searching
+out the most distressing and meritorious cases among them, and removing
+them, where possible, to a more congenial spot. The remarkable fact,
+to this person’s mind, is, that with the air and every available
+space around absolutely packed with demons (as certainly must be the
+prevailing state of things), the manifestations of their malignity and
+vice are, if anything, rather less evident here than in our own favoured
+country, where we do all in our power to satisfy their wants.
+
+That same evening I found myself seated next to a maiden of
+prepossessing vivacity, who was spoken of as being one of a kindred
+but not identical race. Filled with the incredible profanity of those
+around, and hoping to find among a nation so alluringly high-spirited
+a more congenial elevation of mind, I at length turned to her and said,
+“Do not regard the question as one of unworthy curiosity, for this
+person’s inside is white and funereal with his fears; but do you, of
+your allied race, worship your ancestors?”
+
+The maiden spent a moment in conscientious thought. “No, Mr. Kong,” she
+replied, with a most commendable sigh of unfeigned regret, “I can’t say
+that we do. I guess it’s because we’re too new. Mine, now, only go back
+two generations, and they were mostly in lard. If they were old and
+baronial it might be different, but I can’t imagine myself worshipping
+an ancestor in lard.” (This doubtless refers to some barbaric method of
+embalming.)
+
+“And your wide and enlightened countrymen?” I asked, unable to restrain
+a passion of pure-bred despair. “Do they also so regard the obligation?”
+
+“I am afraid so,” replied the maiden, with an honourable indication
+towards my emotion. “But of course when a girl marries into the European
+aristocracy, she and all her folk worship her husband’s ancestors, until
+every one about is fairly dizzy with the subject.”
+
+It is largely owing to the graceful and virtuous conversation of these
+lesser ones that this person’s knowledge of the exact position which
+the ceremonial etiquette of the country demands on various occasions is
+becoming so proficiently enlarged. It is true that they of my own sex do
+not hesitate to inquire with penetrating assiduousness into certain of
+the manners and customs of our land, but these for the most part do
+not lead to a conversation in any way profitable to my discreeter
+understanding. Those of the inner chamber, on the other hand, while
+not scrupling to question me on the details of dress, the braiding and
+gumming of the hair, the style and variety of the stalls of merchants,
+the wearing of jade, gold, and crystal ornaments and flowers about
+the head, smoking, and other matters affecting our lesser ones, very
+magnanimously lead my contemplation back to a more custom-established
+topic if by any hap in my ambitious ignorance I outstep it.
+
+In such a manner it chanced on a former occasion that I sat side by side
+with a certain maiden awaiting the return of others who had withdrawn
+for a period. The season was that of white rains, and the fire being
+lavishly extended about the grate we had harmoniously arranged ourselves
+before it, while this person, at the repeated and explicit encouragement
+of the maiden, spoke openly of such details of the inner chamber as he
+has already indicated.
+
+“Is it true, Mr. Ho” (thus the maiden, being unacquainted with the
+actual facts, consistently addressed me), “that ladies’ feet are
+relentlessly compressed until they finally assume the proportions and
+appearance of two bulbs?” and as she spoke she absent-mindedly regarded
+her own slippers, which were out-thrust somewhat to receive the action
+of the fire.
+
+“It is a matter which cannot reasonably be denied,” I replied; “and
+it is doubtless owing to this effect that they are designated ‘Golden
+Lilies.’ Yet when this observance has been slowly and painfully
+accomplished, the extremities in question are not less small but
+infinitely less graceful than the select and naturally-formed pair which
+this person sees before him.” And at the ingeniously-devised compliment
+(which, not to become large-headed in self-imagination, it must be
+admitted was revealed to me as available for practically all occasions
+by the really invaluable Quang-Tsun), I bowed unremittingly.
+
+“O, Mr. Ho!” exclaimed the maiden, and paused abruptly at the sound of
+her words, as though they were inept.
+
+“In many other ways a comparison equally irreproachable to the exalted
+being at my side might be sought out,” I continued, suddenly forming
+the ill-destined judgment that I was no less competent than the more
+experienced Quang-Tsun to contrive delicate offerings of speech. “Their
+hair is rope like in its lack of spontaneous curve, their eyes as
+deficient in lustre as a half-shuttered window; their hands are
+exceedingly inferior in colour, and both on the left side, as it may be
+expressed; their legs--” but at this point the maiden drew herself so
+hastily into herself that I had no alternative but to conclude that
+unless I reverted in some way the enterprise was in peril of being
+inharmoniously conducted.
+
+“Mr. Ho,” said the maiden, after contemplating her inward thoughts for
+a moment, “you are a foreigner, and you cannot be expected to know by
+instinct what may and what may not be openly expressed in this country.
+Therefore, although the obligation is not alluring, I think it kinder
+to tell you that the matters which formed the subject of your last words
+are never to be referred to.”
+
+At this rebuke I again bowed persistently, for it did not appear
+reasonable to me that I could in any other way declare myself without
+violating the imposed command.
+
+“Not only are they never openly referred to,” continued the maiden,
+who in spite of the declared no allurement of the subject did not seem
+disposed to abandon it at once, “but among the most select they are,
+by unspoken agreement, regarded as ‘having no actual existence,’ as you
+yourself would say.”
+
+“Yet,” protested this person, somewhat puzzled, “to one who has
+witnessed the highly-achieved attitudes of those within your Halls of
+Harmony, and in an unyielding search for knowledge has addressed himself
+even to the advertisement pages of the ladies’ papers--”
+
+The maiden waved her hand magnanimously. “In your land, as you have told
+me, there are many things, not really existing, which for politeness you
+assume to be. In a like but converse manner this is to be so regarded.”
+
+I thanked her voluminously. “The etiquette of this country is as
+involved as the spoken tongue,” I said, “for both are composed chiefly
+of exceptions to a given rule. It was formerly impressed upon this
+person, as a guiding principle, that that which is unseen is not to be
+discussed; yet it is not held in disrepute to allude to so intimate and
+secluded an organ as the heart, for no further removed than yesterday he
+heard the deservedly popular sea-lieutenant in the act of declaring to
+you, upon his knees, that you were utterly devoid of such a possession.”
+
+At this inoffensively-conveyed suggestion, the fire opposite had all the
+appearance of suddenly reflecting itself into the maiden’s face with a
+most engaging concentration, while at the same time she stamped her foot
+in ill-concealed rage.
+
+“You’ve been listening at the door!” she cried impetuously, “and I shall
+never forgive you.”
+
+“To no extent,” I declared hastily (for although I had indeed been
+listening at the door, it appeared, after the weight which she set
+upon the incident, more honourable that I should deny it in order to
+conciliate her mind). “It so chanced that for the moment this person
+had forgotten whether the handle he was grasping was of the push-out or
+turn-in variety, and in the involvement a few words of no particular or
+enduring significance settled lightly upon his perception.
+
+“In that case,” she replied in high-souled liberality, while her eyes
+scintillated towards me with a really all-overpowering radiance, “I will
+forgive you.”
+
+“We have an old but very appropriate saying, ‘To every man the voice of
+one maiden carries further than the rolling of thunder,’” I remarked
+in a significantly restrained tone; for, although conscious that the
+circumstance was becoming more menace-laden than I had any previous
+intention, I found myself to be incapable of extrication. “Florence--”
+
+“Oh,” she exclaimed quickly, raising her polished hand with an
+undeniable gesture of reproof, “you must not call me by my christian
+name, Mr. Ho.”
+
+“Yet,” replied this person, with a confessedly stubborn inelegance, “you
+call me by the name of Ho.”
+
+Her eyes became ox-like in an utter absence of almond outline. “Yes,”
+ she said gazing, “but that--that is not your christian name, is it?”
+
+“In a position of speaking--this one being as a matter of fact a
+discreditable follower of the sublime Confucius--it may be so regarded,”
+ I answered, “inasmuch as it is the milk-name of childhood.”
+
+“But you always put it last,” she urged.
+
+“Assuredly,” I replied. “Being irrevocably born with the family name of
+Kong, it is thought more reasonable that that should stand first. After
+that, others are attached as the various contingencies demand it, as Ho
+upon participating in the month-age feast, the book-name of Tsin at a
+later period, Paik upon taking a degree, and so forth.”
+
+“I am very sorry, Mr. Kong,” said the maiden, adding, with what at
+the time certainly struck this person as shallow-witted prejudice. “Of
+course it is really quite your own fault for being so tospy-turvily
+arranged in every way. But, to return to the subject, why should not one
+speak of one’s heart?”
+
+“Because,” replied this person, colouring deeply, and scarcely able to
+control his unbearable offence that so irreproachably-moulded a creature
+should openly refer to the detail, “because it is a gross and unrefined
+particular, much more internal and much less pleasantly-outlined
+than those extremities whose spoken equivalent shall henceforth be an
+abandoned word from my lips.”
+
+“But, in any case, it is not the actual organ that one infers,”
+ protested the maiden. “As the seat of the affections, passions, virtues,
+and will, it is the conventional emblem of every thought and emotion.”
+
+“By no means,” I cried, forgetting in the face of so heterodox an
+assertion that it would be well to walk warily at every point. “That is
+the stomach.”
+
+“Ah!” exclaimed the maiden, burying her face in a gracefully-perfumed
+remnant of lace, to so overwhelming a degree that for the moment I
+feared she might become involved in the dizzy falling. “Never, by any
+mischance, use that word again in the society of the presentable, Mr.
+Kong.”
+
+“The ceremonial usage of my own land of the Heavenly Dynasty is
+proverbially elaborate,” I said, with a gesture of self-abasement, “but
+in comparison with yours it may be regarded as an undeviating walk when
+opposed to a stately and many-figured dance. Among the company of the
+really excessively select (in which must ever be included the one whom
+I am now addressing), it becomes difficult for an outcast of my
+illimitable obtuseness to move to one side or the other without putting
+his foot into that.”
+
+“Oh no,” exclaimed the maiden, in fragrant encouragement, “I think you
+are getting on very nicely, Mr. Kong, and one does not look for absolute
+conformance from a foreigner--especially one who is so extremely
+foreign. If I can help you with anything--of course I could not even
+speak as I have done to an ordinary stranger, but with one of a distant
+race it seems different--if I can tell you anything that will save
+you--”
+
+“You are all-exalted,” I replied, with seemly humility, “and virtue and
+wisdom press out your temples on either side. Certainly, since I have
+learned that the heart is so poetically regarded, I have been assailed
+by a fear lest other organs which I have hitherto despised might be used
+in a similar way. Now, as regards liver--”
+
+“It is only used with bacon,” replied the maiden, rising abruptly.
+
+“Kidneys?” suggested this person diffidently, really anxious to detain
+her footsteps, although from her expression it did not rest assured that
+the incident was taking an actually auspicious movement.
+
+“I don’t think you need speak of those except at breakfast,” she said;
+“but I hear the others returning, and I must really go to dress for
+dinner.”
+
+Among the barbarians many keep books wherein to inscribe their deep and
+beautiful thoughts. This person had therefore provided himself with
+one also, and, drawing it forth, he now added to a page of many other
+interesting compositions: “Maidens of immaculate refinement do not
+hesitate to admit before a person of a different sex that they are on
+the point of changing their robes. The liver is in some intricate way
+an emblem representing bacon, or together with it the two stand for
+a widely differing analogy. Among those of the highest exclusiveness
+kidneys are never alluded to after the tenth gong-stroke of the
+morning.”
+
+With a sincerely ingrained trust that the scenes of dignity, opulence,
+and wisdom, set forth in these superficial letters, are not unsettling
+your intellect and causing you to yearn for a fuller existence.
+
+                                     KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER VI
+
+
+ Concerning this person’s well-sustained efforts to discover
+ further demons. The behaviour of those invoked on two
+ occasions.
+
+
+Venerated Sire,--In an early letter I made some reference to a variety
+of demon invoked by certain of the barbarians. As this matter aroused
+your congenial interest, I have since privately bent my mind incessantly
+to the discovery of others; but this has been by no means easy, for,
+touching the more intimate details of the subject, the barbarians
+frequently maintain a narrow-minded suspicion. Many whom I have
+approached feign to become amused or have evaded a deliberate answer
+under the subterfuge of a jest; yet, whenever I would have lurked by
+night in their temples or among the enclosed spaces of their tombs to
+learn more, at a given signal one in authority has approached me with
+anxiety and mistrust engraved upon his features, and, disregarding my
+unassuming protest that I would remain alone in a contemplative reverie,
+has signified that so devout an exercise is contrary to their written
+law.
+
+On one occasion only did this person seem to hold himself poised on the
+very edge of a fuller enlightenment. This was when, in the venerable
+company of several benevolent persons, he was being taken from place to
+place to see the more important buildings, and to observe the societies
+of artificers labouring at their crafts. The greater part of the day had
+already been spent in visiting temples, open spaces reserved to children
+and those whose speech, appearance, and general manner of behaving
+make it desirable that they should be set apart from the contact of the
+impressionable, halls containing relics and emblems of the past,
+places of no particular size or attraction but described as being of
+unparalleled historic interest, and the stalls of the more reputable
+venders of merchandise.
+
+Doubtless, with observing so many details of a conflicting nature,
+this person’s discriminating faculties had become obscured, but towards
+evening he certainly understood that we sought the company of an
+assembly of those who had been selected from all the Empire to pronounce
+definitely upon matters of supreme import. The building before which our
+chariot stopped had every appearance of being worthy of so exceptional a
+gathering, and with a most affluent joy that I should at last be able to
+glean a decisive pronouncement, I evaded those who had accompanied
+me, and, mingling self-reliantly with the throng inside, I quickly
+surrounded myself with many of the wisest-looking, and begged that they
+would open their heads freely and express their innermost opinions upon
+the subject of demons of all kinds.
+
+Although I had admittedly hoped that these persons would not conceal
+themselves behind the wings of epigram or intangible prevarication, I
+was far from being prepared for the candour with which they greeted me,
+and although by long usage I am reasonably unconcerned at the proximity
+of any of our own recognised genii, it is not to be denied that my
+organs of ferocity grew small and unstable at the revelations.
+
+From their words it appeared that the spot on which we stood had
+long been the recognised centre and meeting-place for every class of
+abandoned and objectionable spirit of the universe. Not only this, but
+several of the persons who had gathered around were confidently pointed
+out as the earthly embodiment of various diabolical Forces, while others
+cheerfully admitted that they themselves were the shadows of certain
+illustrious ones who had long Passed Above, and all united in declaring
+that those who moved among them wearing the distinction of a dark blue
+uniform were Evil Beings of a most ghoulish and repulsive type. Indeed,
+as I looked more closely, I could see that not only those pointed out,
+but all standing around, had expressions immeasurably more in
+keeping with a band of outcast spirits than suggestive of an assembly
+representing wisdom and dignified ease. At that moment, however, a most
+inelegant movement was caused by one suddenly declaring that he
+had recognised this one who is inscribing his experiences to be the
+apparition of a certain great reformer who during the period of his
+ordinary existence had received the name of Guy Fawkes, and amid a
+tumult of overwhelming acclamation a proposal was raised that I
+should be carried around in triumph and afterwards initiated into
+the observance of a time-honoured custom. Although it had now become
+doubtful to what end the adventure was really tending, this person
+would have submitted himself agreeably to the participation had not the
+blue-apparelled band cleft their way into the throng just as I was about
+to be borne off in triumph, and forming themselves into a ringed
+barrier around me they presently succeeded in rearranging the contending
+elements and in restoring me to the society of my friends. To these
+persons they complained with somewhat unreasoning acrimony that I
+had been exciting the inmates into a state of rebellion with wild
+imaginings, and for the first time I then began to understand that an
+important error had been perpetrated by some one, and that instead of
+being a meeting-place for those upholding the wisdom and authority
+of the country, the building was in reality an establishment for the
+mentally defective and those of treacherous instincts.
+
+For some time after this occurrence I failed to regard the subject of
+demons and allied Forces in any but a spirit of complete no enthusiasm,
+but more recently my interest and research have been enlarged by the
+zeal and supernatural conversation of a liberal-minded person who
+sought my prosaic society with indefatigable persistence. When we had
+progressed to such a length that the one might speak of affairs without
+the other at once interposing that he himself had also unfortunately
+come out quite destitute of money, this stranger, who revealed to me
+that his name was Glidder, but that in the company of a certain chosen
+few he was known intimately as the Keeper of the Salograma, approached
+me confidentially, and inquired whether we of our Central Kingdom were
+in the habit of receiving manifestations from the spirits of those who
+had Passed Beyond.
+
+At the unassumed ingenuousness of this remark I suffered my
+impassiveness to relax, as I replied with well-established pride that
+although a country which neglected its ancestors might doubtless be
+able to produce more of the ordinary or graveyard spectres, we were
+unapproachable for the diverse forms and malignant enmity of our
+apparitions. Of invisible beings alone, I continued tolerantly, we
+had the distinction of being harassed by upwards of seven hundred
+clearly-defined varieties, while the commoner inflictions of demons,
+shades, visions, warlocks, phantoms, sprites, imps, phenomena, ghosts,
+and reflections passed almost without comment; and touching our admitted
+national speciality of dragons, the honour of supremacy had never been
+questioned.
+
+At this, the agreeable person said that the pleasure he derived from
+meeting me was all-excelling, and that I must certainly accompany him to
+a meeting-place of this same chosen few the following evening, when,
+by the means of sacred expedients, they hoped to invoke the presence
+of some departed spirits, and perchance successfully raise a tangible
+vision or two. To so fair-minded a proposal I held myself acquiescently,
+and then inquired where the meeting-place in question was destined
+to be--whether in a ruined and abandoned sanctuary, or upon some
+precipitous spot of desolation.
+
+The inquiry was gracefully intended, but a passing cloud of unworthy
+annoyance revealed itself upon the upper part of the other’s expression
+as he replied, “We, the true seekers, despise theatrical accessories,
+and, as a matter of fact, I couldn’t well get away from the office in
+time to go anywhere far. To-morrow we meet at my place in the Camden
+Road. It’s only a three-half-penny tram stage from the Euston and
+Tottenham Court corner, so it couldn’t be much more convenient for you.”
+ He thereupon gave me an inscribed fragment of paper and mentioned the
+appointed hour.
+
+“I’ll tell you why I am particularly anxious for you to come to-morrow,”
+ he said as we were each departing from one another. “Pash--he’s the
+Reader of the Veda among us--and his people have got hold of a Greek
+woman (they SAY she is a princess, of course), who can do a lot of
+things with flowers and plate glass. They are bringing her for the first
+time to-morrow, and it struck me that if I have YOU there already when
+they arrive--you’ll come in your national costume by the way?--it will
+be a considerable set-off. Since his daughter was presented to the
+duchess at the opening of a bazaar, there has been no holding Pash; why
+he was ever elected Reader of the Books, I don’t know. Er--we have had
+scoffers sometimes, but I trust I may rely upon you not to laugh at
+anything you may not happen to agree with?”
+
+With conscientious dignity I replied that I had only really laughed
+seven times in my life, and therefore the entertainment was one which
+I was not likely to embark upon hastily or with inadequate cause. He
+immediately expressed a seemly regret that the detail had been spoken,
+and again assuring him that at the stated hour I would present myself
+at the house bearing the symbol engraved upon the card, we definitely
+parted.
+
+That, as a matter of fact, I did not so present myself at the exact
+hour, chiefly concerns the uncouth and arbitrary-minded charioteer who
+controlled the movements of the vehicle to which the one whom I was
+seeking had explicitly referred; for at an angle in the road he suffered
+the horses to draw us aside into a path which did not correspond to the
+engraved signs upon the card, nor by any word of persuasion could he be
+prevailed upon to return.
+
+Thus, without any possible reproach upon the manner in which I was
+conducting the enterprise, it came about that by the time I reached the
+spot indicated, all those persons who had been spoken of as constituting
+a chosen band were assembled, and with them the barbarian princess.
+Nevertheless, this person was irreproachably greeted, and the maiden
+indicated even spoke a few words to him in an outside tongue. Being
+necessarily unacquainted with the import of the remark I spread out my
+hands with a sign of harmonious sympathy and smiled agreeably, whereat
+she appeared to receive an added esteem from the faces of those around
+(excluding those directly of the House of Glidder), and was thereby
+encouraged to speak similarly at intervals, this person each time
+replying in a like fashion.
+
+“Is he then a Guide of the Way, also, princess?” said the one Pash, who
+had noted the occurrence; to which the maiden replied, “To a degree, yet
+lacking the Innermost Mysteries.”
+
+Presently it was announced that all things were fittingly prepared in
+another chamber. Here, upon a table of polished wood, stood on the one
+side a round stone with certain markings, a group of inscribed books,
+and various other emblems; and on the other side a bowl of water, a
+sphere of crystal, pieces of unwritten parchment, and behind all, and at
+a distance away, a sheet of transparent glass, greater in height than
+an ordinary person and as wide. When all were seated--the one who had
+enticed me among them placing himself before the stone, the person
+Pash guarding the books, the barbarian princess being surrounded by her
+symbols and alone in a self-imposed solitude, and the others at various
+points--the lights were subdued and the appearances awaited.
+
+It would scarcely be respectful, O my enlightened father, to take up
+your well-spent leisure by a too prolific account of the matters which
+followed, they being in no way dissimilar from the manifestations
+by which the uninitiated little ones of Yuen-ping are wont to amuse
+themselves and pass the winter evenings. From time to time harmonious
+sounds could be plainly detected, flowers and branches of wood were
+scattered sparsely here and there, persons claimed that passing objects
+had touched their faces, and misshapen forms of smoke-like density
+(which some confidently recognised as the outlines of departed ones whom
+they had known), revealed themselves against the glass. When this had
+been accomplished, the lights were recalled, and the barbarian maiden,
+sinking into a condition of languor, announced and foretold events and
+happenings upon which she was consulted, sometimes replying by spoken
+words, at others suffering her hand to trace them lightly upon the
+parchment sheets. Thus, to an inquirer it was announced that one, Aunt
+Mary, in the Upper Air, was well and happy, though undeniably pained at
+the action of Cousin William in the matter of the freehold houses, and
+more than sceptical how his marriage would turn out. Another was advised
+that although the interest on Consols was admittedly lower than that
+anticipated by those controlling the destines of a new venture entitled,
+The Great Rosy Dawn Gold Mine Development Syndicate, and the name
+certainly less poetically inspiring, the advising spirits were of the
+opinion that the former enterprise would prove the more stable of the
+two, and, in any case, they recommended the person in question to begin
+by placing not more than half of her life’s savings into the mine.
+The family of the House of Pash was assured that beneficent spirits
+surrounded them at every turn, and that their good deeds were not
+suffered to fall unfruitfully to the ground; while many bearing the name
+of Glidder, on the other hand, were reproved by one who had known them
+in infancy for the offences of jealousy, ostentation, vain thoughts,
+shallowness of character, and the like.
+
+At length, revered, as there seemed to be no reasonable indication of
+any barbarian phantom of weight or authority appearing--nothing,
+indeed, beyond what a person in our country, of no admitted skill, would
+accomplish in the penetrating light of day with two others holding his
+hands, and a third reposing upon his head, I formed the perhaps immature
+judgment that the one to whom I was indebted for the entertainment would
+be suffering a grievous frustration of his hopes and a diminution of his
+outward authority. Therefore, without sufficient consideration of the
+restricted surroundings, as it afterwards appeared, I threw myself
+into a retrospective vision, and floating unencumbered through space,
+I sought for Kwan Kiang-ti, the Demon of the Waters, upon whom I might
+fittingly call, as I was given into his keeping by the ceremony of
+spirit-adoption at an early age. Meeting an influence which I recognised
+to be an indication of his presence, in the vicinity of the Eighth
+Region, I obsequiously entreated that he would reveal himself without
+delay, and then, convinced of his sympathetic intervention, I suffered
+my spirit to recall itself, and revived into the condition of an
+ordinary existence.
+
+“We have among us this evening, my friends,” the one Pash was saying,
+“a very remarkable lady--if I may use so democratic a term in the
+connection--to whom the limits of Time and Space are empty words, and
+before whose supreme Will the most portentous Forces of Occult Nature
+mutely confess themselves her attending slaves--” But at that moment
+the rolling drums of Kiang-ti’s thunder drowned his words, although he
+subsequently raised his voice above it to entreat that any knives or
+other articles of a bright and attractive kind should at once be removed
+to a place of safety.
+
+Heralded by these continuous sounds, and accompanied by innumerable
+flashes of lightning, the genius presently manifested himself, leisurely
+developing out of the air around. He appeared in his favourite guise of
+an upright dragon, his scales being arranged in rows of nine each way,
+a pearl showing within his throat, and upon his head the wooden bar. The
+lights were extinguished incapably by the rain which fell continually in
+his presence, but from his body there proceeded a luminous breath which
+sufficiently revealed the various incidents.
+
+“Kong Ho,” said this opportune vision, speaking with a voice like the
+beating of a brass gong, “the course you have adopted is an unusual one,
+but the weight and regularity of your offerings have merit in my eyes.
+Nevertheless, if your invocation is only the outcome of a shallow vanity
+or a profane love of display, nothing can save you from a painful death.
+Speak now, fully and without evasion, and fear nothing.”
+
+“Amiable Being,” said this person, kow-towing profoundly, “the matter
+was designed to the end only that your incomparable versatility might
+be fittingly displayed. These barbarians sought vainly to raise phantoms
+capable of any useful purpose, whereupon I, jealous of your superior
+omnipotence, judged it would be an unseemly neglect not to inform you of
+the opportunity.”
+
+“It is well,” said the demon affably. “All doubt in the matter shall
+now be set at rest. Could any more convincing act be found than that
+I should breath upon these barbarians and reduce them instantly to a
+scattering of thin white ashes?”
+
+“Assuredly it would be a conclusive testimony,” I replied; “yet in
+that case consider how inadequate a witness could be borne to your
+enlightened condescension, when none would be left but one to whom the
+spoken language of this Island is more in the nature of a trap than a
+comfortable vehicle.”
+
+“Your reasoning is profound, Kong Ho,” he replied, “yet abundant
+proof shall not be wanting.” With these words he raised his hand, and
+immediately the air became filled with an overwhelming shower of
+those productions with which Kwan Kiang-ti’s name is chiefly
+associated--shells and pebbles of all kinds, lotus and other roots from
+the river banks, weeds from seas of greater depths, fish of interminable
+variety from both fresh and bitter waters, all falling in really
+embarrassing abundance, and mingled with an incessant rain of sand and
+water. In the midst of this the demon suddenly passed away, striking the
+table as he went, so that it was scarred with the brand of a five-clawed
+hand, shattering all the objects upon it (excepting the stone and
+the books, which he doubtless regarded as sacred to some extent), and
+leaving the room involved in a profound darkness.
+
+“For the love av the saints--for the love av the saints, save us from
+the yellow devils!” exclaimed a voice from the spot where last the
+barbarian princess had reclined, and upon this person going to her
+assistance with lights it was presently revealed that she alone had
+remained seated, the others having all assembled themselves beneath the
+table in spite of the incapability of the space at their disposal. Most
+of the weightier evidences of Kwan Kiang-ti’s majestic presence had
+faded away, though the table retained the print of his impressive hand,
+many objects remained irretrievably torn apart, and in a distant corner
+of the room an insignificant heap of shells and seaweed still lingered.
+From the floor covering a sprinkling of the purest Fuh-chow sand rose
+at every step, the salt dew of the Tung-Hai still dropped from
+the surroundings, and, at a later period, a shore crab was found
+endeavouring to make its escape undetected.
+
+Convinced that the success of the manifestation would have enlarged
+the one Glidder’s esteem towards me to an inexpressible degree, I now
+approached him with words of self-deprecation ready on my tongue, but
+before he spoke I became aware, from the nature of his glance, that
+the provision had been unnecessary, for already his face had begun to
+assume, to a most distended amount, the expression which I had long
+recognised as a synonym that some detail had been regarded at a
+different angle from that anticipated.
+
+“May I ask,” he began in a somewhat heavily-laden voice, after he had
+assured himself that the person who was speaking was himself, and his
+external attributes unchanged, “May I ask, sir” (and at this title,
+which is untranslatable in its many-sided significance when technically
+employed, I recognised that all complimentary intercourse might be
+regarded as having closed), “whether you accept the responsibility of
+these proceedings?”
+
+“Touching the appearance which has so essentially contributed to the
+success of the occasion, it is undeniably due to this one’s foresight,”
+ I replied modestly.
+
+“Then let me tell you, sir, that I consider it an outrage--a dastardly
+outrage.”
+
+“Yet,” protested this person with retiring assertiveness, “the expressed
+object of the ceremony, as it stood before my intelligence, was for the
+set purpose of invoking spirits and raising certain visions.”
+
+“Spirits!” exclaimed the one before me with an accent of concentrated
+aversion; “yes, spirits; impalpable, civilised, genuine spirits, who
+manifest themselves through recognised media, and are conformable to the
+usages of the best drawing-room society--yes. But not demons, sir; not
+Chinese devils in the Camden Road--no. Truth and Light at any cost, not
+paganism. It’s perfectly scandalous. Look at the mahogany table--ruined;
+look at the wall-paper--conventional mackerels with a fishing-net
+background, new this spring--soused; look at the Brussels carpet,
+seventeen six by twenty-five--saturated!”
+
+“I quite agree with you, Mr. Glidder,” here interposed the individual
+Pash. “I was watching you, sir, closely the whole time, and I have my
+suspicions about how it was done. I don’t know whether Mr. Glidder
+has any legal redress, but I should certainly advise him to see his
+solicitors to-morrow, and in the meantime--”
+
+“He is my guest,” exclaimed the one whose hospitality I was enjoying,
+“and while he is beneath my roof he is sacred.”
+
+“But I do not think that it would be kind to detain him any longer in
+his wet things,” said another of the household, with pointed malignity,
+and accepting this as an omen of departure, I withdrew myself, bowing
+repeatedly, but offering no closer cordiality.
+
+“Through a torn sleeve one drops a purse of gold,” it is well said; and
+as if to prove to a deeper end that misfortune is ever double-handed,
+this incapable being, involved in thoughts of funereal density, bent
+his footsteps to an inaccurate turning, and after much wandering was
+compelled to pass the night upon a desolate heath--but that would be the
+matter of another narrative.
+
+With an insidious doubt whether, after all, the far-seeing Kwan
+Kiang-ti’s first impulse would not have been the most satisfactory
+conclusion to the enterprise.
+
+                                     KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER VII
+
+
+ Concerning warfare, both as waged by ourselves and by a
+ nation devoid of true civilisation. The aged man and the
+ meeting and the parting of our ways. The instance of the one
+ who expressed emotion by leaping.
+
+
+Venerated Sire,--You are omniscient, but I cannot regard the fear which
+you express in your beautifully-written letter, bearing the sign of the
+eleventh day of the seventh moon, as anything more than the imaginings
+prompted by a too-lavish supper of your favourite shark’s fin and peanut
+oil. Unless the dexterously-elusive attributes of the genial-spoken
+persons high in office at Pekin have deteriorated contemptibly
+since this one’s departure, it is quite impossible for our great
+and enlightened Empire to be drawn into a conflict with the northern
+barbarians whom you indicate, against our will. When the matter becomes
+urgent, doubtless a prince of the Imperial line will loyally suffer
+himself to Pass Above, and during the period of ceremonial mourning
+for so pure and exalted an official it would indeed be an unseemly
+desecration to engage in any public business. If this failed, and an
+ultimatum were pressed with truly savage contempt for all that is sacred
+and refined, it might be well next to consider the health even of the
+sublime Emperor himself (or, perhaps better, that of the select and
+ever-present Dowager Empress); but should the barbarians still advance,
+and, setting the usages of civilised warfare at defiance, threaten an
+engagement in the midst of this unparalleled calamity, there will be no
+alternative but to have a formidable rebellion in the Capital. All
+the barbarian powers will then assemble as usual, and in the general
+involvement none dare move alone, and everything will have to be
+regarded as being put back to where it was before. It is well said, “The
+broken vessel can never be made whole, but it may be delicately arranged
+so that another shall displace it.”
+
+These barbarians, less resourceful in device, have only recently emerged
+from a conflict into which they do not hesitate to admit they were drawn
+despite their protests. Such incompetence is characteristic of their
+methods throughout. Not in any way disguising their purpose, they
+at once sent out an army of those whom could be the readiest seized,
+certainly furnishing them with weapons, charms to use in case of
+emergency, and three-coloured standards (their adversaries adopting
+a white banner to symbolise the conciliation of their attitude, and
+displaying both freely in every extremity), but utterly neglecting to
+teach them the arts of painting their bodies with awe-inspiring forms,
+of imitating the cries of wild animals as they attacked, of clashing
+their weapons together with menacing vigour, or any of the recognised
+artifices by which terror may be struck into the ranks of an awaiting
+foeman. The result was that which the prudent must have foreseen. The
+more accomplished enemy, without exposing themselves to any unnecessary
+inconvenience, gained many advantages by their intrepid power of
+dissimulation--arranging their garments and positions in such a way that
+they had the appearance of attacking when in reality they were effecting
+a prudent retreat; rapidly concealing themselves among the earth on the
+approach of an overwhelming force; becoming openly possessed with the
+prophetic vision of an assured final victory whenever it could be no
+longer concealed that matters were becoming very desperate indeed; and
+gaining an effective respite when all other ways of extrication were
+barred against them by the stratagem of feigning that they were other
+than those whom they had at first appeared to be.
+
+In the meantime the adventure was not progressing pleasantly for those
+chiefly concerned at home. With the earliest tidings of repulse it was
+discovered that in the haste of embarkation the wrong persons had been
+sent, all those who were really the fittest to command remaining behind,
+and many of these did not hesitate to write to the printed papers,
+resolutely admitting that they themselves were in every way better
+qualified to bring the expedition to a successful end, at the same time
+skilfully pointing out how the disasters which those in the field
+had incurred could easily have been avoided by acting in a precisely
+contrary manner.
+
+In the emergency the most far-seeing recommended a more unbending policy
+of extermination. Among these, one in particular, a statesman bearing
+an illustrious name of two-edged import, distinguished himself by the
+liberal broad-mindedness of his opinions, and for the time he even did
+not flinch from making himself excessively unpopular by the wide
+and sweeping variety of his censure. “We are confessedly a barbarian
+nation,” fearlessly declared this unprejudiced person (who, although
+entitled by hereditary right to carry a banner on the field of battle,
+with patriotic self-effacement preferred to remain at home and encourage
+those who were fighting by pointing out their inadequacy to the task and
+the extreme unlikelihood of their ever accomplishing it), “and in order
+to achieve our purpose speedily it is necessary to resort to the methods
+of barbarism.” The most effective measure, as he proceeded to explain
+with well-thought-out detail, would be to capture all those least
+capable of resistance, concentrate them into a given camp, and then
+at an agreed signal reduce the entire assembly to what he termed, in
+a passage of high-minded eloquence, “a smoking hecatomb of women and
+children.”
+
+His advice was pointed with a crafty insight, for not only would such a
+course have brought the stubborn enemy to a realisation of the weakness
+of their position and thus paved the way to a dignified peace, but by
+the act itself few would have been left to hand down the tradition of
+a relentless antagonism. Yet with incredible obtuseness his advice was
+ignored and he himself was referred to at the time by those who regarded
+the matter from a different angle, with a scarcely-veiled dislike, which
+towards many of his followers took the form of building materials and
+other dissentient messages whenever they attempted to raise their voices
+publicly. As an inevitable result the conquest of the country took
+years, where it would have been moons had the more truly humane policy
+been adopted, commerce and the arts languished, and in the end so little
+spoil was taken that it was more common to meet six mendicants wearing
+the honourable embellishment of the campaign than to see one captured
+slave maiden offered for sale in the market places--indeed, even to this
+day the deficiency is clearly admitted and openly referred to as The
+Great “Domestic” Problem.
+
+
+At various times during my residence here I have been filled with a
+most acute gratification when the words of those around have seemed to
+indicate that they recognised the undoubted superiority of the laws and
+institutions of our enlightened country. Sometimes, it is true, upon a
+more detailed investigation of the incident, it has presently appeared
+that either I had misunderstood the exact nature of their sentiments
+or they had slow-wittedly failed to grasp the precise operation of the
+enactment I had described; but these exceptions are clearly the outcome
+of their superficial training, and do not affect the fact my feeble and
+frequently even eccentric arguments are at length certainly moving the
+more intelligent into an admission of what constitutes true justice
+and refinement. It is not to be denied that here and there exists a
+prejudice against our customs even in the minds of the studious; but as
+this is invariably the shadow of misconception, it has frequently been
+my sympathetic privilege to promote harmony by means of the inexorable
+logic of fact and reason. “But are not your officials uncompromisingly
+opposed to the freedom of the Press?” said one who conversed with me on
+the varying phases of the two countries, and knowing that in his eyes
+this would constitute an unendurable offence, I at once appeased his
+mind. “By no means,” I replied; “if anything, the exact contrary is
+the case. As a matter of reality, of course, there is no Press now, the
+all-seeing Board of Censors having wisely determined that it was not
+stimulating to the public welfare; but if such an institution was
+permitted to exist you may rest genially assured that nothing could
+exceed the lenient toleration which all in office would extend towards
+it.” A similar instance of malicious inaccuracy is widely spoken of
+regarding our lesser ones. “Is it really a fact, Mr. Kong,” exclaimed a
+maiden of magnanimous condescension, to this person recently, “that
+we poor women are despised in your country, and that among the
+working-classes female children are even systematically abandoned as
+soon as they are born?” Suffering my features to express amusement at
+this unending calumny, I indicated my violent contempt towards the one
+who had first uttered it. “So far from despising them,” I continued,
+with ingratiating gallantry, “we recognise that they are quite necessary
+for the purposes of preparing our food, carrying weighty burdens,
+and the like; and how grotesque an action would it be for poor but
+affectionate parents to abandon one who in a few years’ time could be
+sold at a really remunerative profit, this, indeed, being the principal
+means of sustenance in many frugal families.”
+
+On another occasion I had seated myself upon a wooden couch in one
+of the open spaces about the outskirts of the city, when an aged man
+chanced to pass by. Him I saluted with ceremonious politeness, on
+account of his years and the venerable dignity of his beard. Thereupon
+he approached near, and remarking affably that the afternoon was good
+(though, to use no subtle evasion, it was very evil), he congenially sat
+by my side and entered into familiar discourse.
+
+“They say that in your part of the world we old grandfathers are
+worshipped,” he said, after recounting to my ears all the most intimate
+details of his existence from his youth upwards; “now, might that be
+right?”
+
+“Truly,” I replied. “It is the unchanging foundation of our system of
+morality.”
+
+“Ay, ay,” he admitted pleasantly. “We are a long way behind them
+foreigners in everything. At the rate we’re going there won’t be any
+trade nor work nor religion left in this country in another twenty
+years. I often wish I had gone abroad when I was younger. And if I
+had chanced upon your parts I should be worshipped, eh?” and at the
+agreeable thought the aged man laughed in his throat with simple humour.
+
+“Assuredly,” I replied; “--after you were dead.”
+
+“Eh?” exclaimed the venerable person, checking the fountain of his mirth
+abruptly at the word. “Dead! not before? Doesn’t--doesn’t that seem a
+bit of a waste?”
+
+“Such has been the observance from the time of unrecorded antiquity,” I
+replied. “‘Obey parents, respect the old, loyally uphold the sovereign,
+and worship ancestors.’”
+
+“Well, well,” remarked the one beside me, “obedience and respect--that’s
+something nowadays. And you make them do it?”
+
+“Our laws are unflinching in their application,” I said. “No crime is
+held to be more detestable than disrespect of those to whom we owe our
+existence.”
+
+“Quite right,” he agreed, “it’s a pleasure to hear it. It must be a
+great country, yours; a country with a future, I should say. Now, about
+that youngest lad of my son Henry’s--the one that drops pet lizards down
+my neck, and threatened to put rat poison into his mother’s tea when she
+wouldn’t take him to the Military Turneyment; what would they do to him
+by your laws?”
+
+“If the assertion were well sustained by competent witnesses,” I
+replied, “it would probably be judged so execrable an offence, that
+a new punishment would have to be contrived. Failing that, he would
+certainly be wrapped round from head to foot in red-hot chains, and thus
+exposed to public derision.”
+
+“Ah, red-hot chains!” said the aged person, as though the words formed a
+pleasurable taste upon his palate. “The young beggar! Well, he’d deserve
+it.”
+
+“Furthermore,” I continued, gratified at having found one who so
+intelligently appreciated the deficiencies of his own country and the
+unblemished perfection of ours, “his parents and immediate descendants,
+if any should exist, would be submitted to a fate as inevitable but
+slightly less contemptuous--slow compression, perchance; his parents
+once removed (thus enclosing your venerable personality), and remoter
+offsprings would be merely put to the sword without further ignominy,
+and those of less kinship to about the fourth degree would doubtless
+escape with branding and a reprimand.”
+
+“Lordelpus!” exclaimed the patriarchal one, hastily leaping to the
+extreme limit of the wooden couch, and grasping his staff into a
+significant attitude of defence; “what’s that for?”
+
+“Our system of justice is all-embracing,” I explained. “It is reasonably
+held that in such a case either that there is an inherent strain of
+criminality which must be eradicated at all hazard, or else that those
+who are responsible for the virtuous instruction of the young have been
+grossly neglectful of their duty. Whichever is the true cause, by this
+unfailing method we reach the desired end, for, as our proverb aptly
+says, ‘Do the wise pluck the weed and leave the roots to spread?’”
+
+“It’s butchery, nothing short of Smithfield,” said the ancient person
+definitely, rising and moving to a more remote distance as he spoke the
+words, yet never for a moment relaxing the aggressive angle at which
+he thrust out his staff before him. “You’re a bloodthirsty race in my
+opinion, and when they get this door open in China that there’s so much
+talk about, out you go through it, my lad, or old England will know
+why.” With this narrow-minded imprecation on his lips he left me, not
+even permitting me to continue expounding what would be the most likely
+sentences meted out to the witnesses in the case, the dwellers of the
+same street, and the members of the household with whom the youth in
+question had contemplated forming an alliance.
+
+Among the many contradictions which really almost seem purposely
+arranged to entrap the unwary in this strangely under-side-up country,
+is the fact that while the ennobled and those of high official rank are
+courteous in their attitude and urbane--frequently even to the extent
+of refusing money from those whom they have obliged, no matter how
+privately pressed upon them--the low-caste and slavish are not only
+deficient in obsequiousness, but are permitted to retort openly to those
+who address them with fitting dignity. Here such a state of things
+is too general to excite remark, but as instances are well called the
+flowers of the tree of assertion, this person will set forth the manner
+in which he was contumaciously opposed by an oblique-eyed outcast who
+attended within the stall of one selling wrought gold, jewels, and
+merchandise of the finer sort.
+
+Being desirous of procuring a gift wherewith to propitiate a certain
+maiden’s esteem, and seeing above a shop of varied attraction a
+suspended sign emblematic of three times repeated gild abundance I drew
+near, not doubting to find beneath so auspicious a token the fulfilment
+of an honourable accommodation. Inside the window was displayed one
+of the implements by which the various details of a garment are joined
+together upon turning a wheel, hung about with an inscription setting
+forth that it was esteemed at the price of two units of gold, nineteen
+pieces of silver, and eleven and three-quarters of the brass cash of the
+land, and judging that no more suitable object could be procured for the
+purpose, I entered the shop, and desired the attending slave to submit
+it to my closer scrutiny.
+
+“Behold,” I exclaimed, when I had made a feint of setting the device
+into motion (for it need not be concealed from you, O discreet one, that
+I was really inadequate to the attempt, and, indeed, narrowly escaped
+impaling myself upon its sudden and unexpected protrusions), “the
+highly-burnished surface of your dexterously arranged window gave to
+this engine a rich attractiveness which is altogether lacking at a
+closer examination. Nevertheless, this person will not recede from a
+perhaps too impulsive offer of one unit of gold, three pieces of silver,
+and four and a half brass cash,” my object, of course, being that after
+the mutual recrimination of disparagement and over-praise we should in
+the length of an hour or two reach a becoming compromise in the middle
+distance.
+
+“Well,” responded the menial one, regarding me with an expression in
+which he did not even attempt to subdue the baser emotions, “you HAVE
+come a long way for nothing”; and he made a pretence of wishing to
+replace the object.
+
+“Yet,” I continued, “observe with calm impartiality how insidiously the
+rust has assailed the outer polish of the lacquer; perceive here upon
+the beneath part of wood the ineffaceable depression of a deeply-pointed
+blow; note well the--”
+
+“It was good enough for you to want me to muck up out of the window,
+wasn’t it?” demanded the obstinate barbarian, becoming passionate in his
+bearing rather than reluctantly, but with courteous grace, lessening the
+price to a trifling degree, as we regard the proper way of carrying on
+the enterprise.
+
+“It is well said,” I admitted, hoping that he might yet learn wisdom
+from my attitude of unruffled urbanity, though I feared that his angle
+of negotiating was unconquerably opposed to mine, “but now its many
+imperfections are revealed. The inelegance of its outline, the grossness
+of the applied colours, the unlucky combination of numbers engraved upon
+this plate, the--”
+
+“Damme!” cried the utterly perverse rebel standing opposite, “why don’t
+you keep on your Compound, you Yellow Peril? Who asked you to come into
+my shop to blackguard the things? Come now, who did?”
+
+“Assuredly it is your place of commerce,” I replied cheerfully,
+preparing to bring forward an argument, which in our country never fails
+to shake the most stubborn, “yet bend your eyes to the fact that at no
+great distance away there stands another and a more alluring stall of
+merchandise where--”
+
+“Go to it then!” screamed the abandoned outcast, leaping over his
+counter and shouting aloud in a frenzy of uncontrollable rage. “Clear
+out, or I’ll bend my feet--” but concluding at this point that some
+private calumny from which he was doubtless suffering was disturbing
+his mind to so great an extent that there was little likelihood of
+our bringing the transaction to a profitable end, I left the shop
+immediately but with befitting dignity.
+
+With a fell-founded assurance that you will now be acquiring a really
+precise and bird’s-eye-like insight into practically all phases of this
+country.
+
+                                     KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER VIII
+
+
+ Concerning the wisdom of the sublime Wei Chung and its
+ application to the ordinary problems of existence. The
+ meeting of three, hitherto unknown to each other, about a
+ wayside inn, and their various manners of conducting the
+ enterprise.
+
+
+Venerated Sire,--You will doubtless remember the behaviour of the aged
+philosopher Wei Chung, when commanded by the broad-minded emperor of his
+time to reveal the hidden sources of his illimitable knowledge, so
+that all might freely acquire, and the race thereby become raised to a
+position of unparalleled excellence. Taking the well-disposed sovereign
+familiarly by the arm, Wei Chung led him to the mouth of his cave in the
+forest, and, standing by his side, bade him reflect with open eyes for
+a short space of time, and then express aloud what he had seen. “Nothing
+of grave import,” declared the emperor when the period was accomplished;
+“only the trees shaken by the breeze.” “It is enough,” replied Wei
+Chung. “What, to the adroitly-balanced mind, does such a sight
+reveal?” “That it is certainly a windy day,” exclaimed the omnipotent
+triumphantly, for although admittedly divine, he yet lacked the
+philosopher’s discrimination. “On the contrary,” replied the sage
+coldly, “that is the natural pronouncement of the rankly superficial. To
+the highly-trained intellect it conveys the more subtle truth that the
+wind affects the trees, and not the trees affect the wind. For upwards
+of seventy years this one has daily stood at the door of his cave for
+a brief period, and regularly garnering a single detail of like
+brilliance, has made it the well-spring for a day’s reflection. As the
+result he now has by heart upwards of twenty-five thousand useful facts,
+all serviceable for original proverbs, and an encyclopaedic mind
+which would enable him to take a high place in a popular competition
+unassisted by a single work of reference.” Much impressed by the
+adventure the charitably-inclined emperor presented Wei Chung with an
+onyx crown (which the philosopher at once threw into an adjacent well),
+and returning to his capital published a decree that each day at
+sunrise every person should stand at the door of his dwelling, and after
+observing for a period, compare among themselves the details of their
+thoughts. By this means he hoped to achieve his imperial purpose, but
+although the literal part of the enactment is scrupulously maintained,
+especially by the slothful and defamatory, who may be seen standing
+at their doors and conversing together even to this day, from some
+unforeseen imperfection the intellectual capacity of the race has
+remained exactly as it was before.
+
+Nevertheless it is not to be questioned that the system of the versatile
+Wei Chung was, in itself, grounded upon a far-seeing accuracy, and
+as the need of such a rational observation is deepened among the
+inconsistencies and fantastic customs of a barbarian race, I have made
+it a useful habit to accept as a guide for the day’s behaviour the
+reflections engendered by the first noteworthy incident of the morning.
+
+Upon the day with which this letter concerns itself I had set forth, in
+accordance with an ever-present desire, to explore some of the hidden
+places of the city. At the time a tempest of great ferocity was raging,
+and bending my head before it I had the distinction of coming into
+contact with a person of ill-endowed exterior at an angle where two
+roads met. This amiable wayfarer exchanged civilities with me after the
+politeness characteristic of the labouring classes towards those who
+differ from them in speech, dress, or colour: that is to say, he filled
+his pipe from my proffered store, and after lighting it threw the match
+into my face, and passed on with an appropriate remark.
+
+Doubtless this insignificant occurrence would have faded without
+internal comment if the penetrating Wei Chung had never existed, but
+now, guided by his sublime precedent, I arranged the incident for the
+day’s conduct under three reflective heads.
+
+It was while I was meditating on the second of these that an exclamation
+caused me to turn, when I observed a prosperously-outlined person in
+the act of picking up a scrip which had the appearance of being lavishly
+distended with pieces of gold.
+
+“If I had not seen you pass it, I should have opined that this hyer
+wallet belonged to you,” remarked the justice-loving stranger (for
+the incident had irresistibly retarded my own footsteps), speaking
+the language of this land, but with an accent of penetrating harmony
+hitherto unknown to my ears. With these auspicious words he turned over
+the object upon his hand doubtfully.
+
+“So entrancing a possibility is, as you gracefully suggest, of
+unavoidable denial,” I replied. “Nevertheless, this person will not
+hesitate to join his acclamation with yours; for, as the Book of Verses
+wisely says, ‘Even the blind, if truly polite, will extol the prospect
+from your house-top.’”
+
+“That’s so,” admitted the one by my side. “But I don’t know that there
+is any call for a special thanksgiving. As I happen to have more
+money of my own than I can reasonably spend I shall drop this in at a
+convenient police station. I dare say some poor critter is pining away
+for it now.”
+
+Pleasantly impressed by the resolute benevolence of the one who had
+a greater store of wealth than he could, by his own unaided efforts,
+dispose of, I arranged myself unobtrusively at his side, and maintaining
+an exhibition of my most polished and genial conversation, I sought to
+penetrate deeply into his esteem.
+
+“Gaze in this direction, Kong,” he said at length, calling me by name
+with auspicious familiarity; “I am a benighted stranger in this hyer
+city, and so are you, I rek’n. Suppose we liquor up, and then take a few
+of the side shows together.”
+
+“The suggestion is one against which I will erect no ill-disposed
+barrier,” I at once replied, so inflexibly determined not to lose sight
+of a person possessing such engaging attributes as to be cheerfully
+prepared even to consume my rice spirit in the inverted position which
+his words implied if the display was persisted in. “Nevertheless,”
+ I added, with a resourceful prudence, “although by no means
+undistinguished among the highest literary and competitive circles of
+his native Yuen-ping, the one before you is incapable of walking in the
+footsteps of a person whose accumulations are greater than he himself
+can appreciably diminish.”
+
+“That’s all right, Kong,” exclaimed the one whom my last words fittingly
+described, striking the recess of his lower garment with a gesture of
+graceful significance. “When I take a fancy to any one it isn’t a matter
+of dollars. I usually carry a trifle of five hundred or a thousand
+pounds in my pocket-book, and if we can get through that--why, there’s
+plenty more waiting at the bank. Say, though, I hope you don’t keep much
+about you; it isn’t really safe.”
+
+“The temptation to do so is one which this person has hitherto
+successfully evaded,” I replied. “The contents of this reptile-skin
+case”--and not to be outshone in mutual confidence I here displayed it
+openly--“do not exceed nine or ten pieces of gold and a like number of
+printed obligations promising to pay five pieces each.”
+
+“Put it away, Kong,” he said resolutely. “You won’t need that so long as
+you’re with me. Well, now, what sort of a saloon have we here?”
+
+As far as the opinion might be superficially expressed it had every
+indication of being one of noteworthy antiquity, and to the innately
+modest mind its unassuming diffidence might have lent an added charm.
+Nevertheless, on most occasions this person would have maintained
+an unshaken dexterity in avoiding its open door, but as the choice
+admittedly lay in the hands of one who carried five hundred or a
+thousand pieces of gold we went in together and passed through to a
+compartment of retiring seclusion.
+
+In our own land, O my orthodox-minded father, where the unfailing
+resources of innumerable bands of dragons, spirits, vampires, ghouls,
+shadows, omens, and thunderstorms are daily enlisted to carry into
+effect the pronouncements of an appointed destiny, we have many
+historical examples of the inexorably converging legs of coincidence,
+but none, I think, more impressively arranged than the one now
+descending this person’s brush.
+
+We had scarcely reposed ourselves, and taken from the hands of an
+awaiting slave the vessels of thrice-potent liquid which in this Island
+is regarded as the indispensable accompaniment to every movement of
+existence, when a third person entered the room, and seating himself
+at a table some slightly removed distance away, lowered his head and
+abandoned himself to a display of most lavish dejection.
+
+“That poor cuss doesn’t appear to be holiday-making,” remarked the
+sincerely-compassionate person at my side, after closely observing the
+other for a period; and then, moved by the overpowering munificence of
+his inward nature, he called aloud, “Say, stranger, you seem to have
+got it thickly in the neck. Is it family affliction or the whisky of the
+establishment?”
+
+At these affably-intentioned words the stranger raised his eyes quickly,
+with an indication of not having up to that time been aware of our
+presence.
+
+“Sir,” he exclaimed, approaching to a spot where he could converse
+with a more enhanced facility, “when I loosened the restraint of an
+overpowering if unmanly grief, I imagined that I was alone, for I
+would have shunned even the most flattering sympathy, but your
+charitably-modulated voice invites confidence. The one before you is the
+most contemptible, left-handed, and disqualified outcast in creation,
+and he is now making his way towards the river, while his widow will be
+left to take in washing, his infant son to vend evening printed leaves,
+and his graceful and hitherto highly secluded daughters to go upon the
+stage.”
+
+“Say, stranger,” interposed this person, by no means unwilling to
+engrave upon his memory this newly-acquired form of greeting, “the
+emotion is doubtless all-pressing, but in my ornate and flower-laden
+tongue we have a salutation, ‘Slowly, slowly; walk slowly,’ which seems
+to be of far-seeing application.”
+
+“That’s so,” remarked the one by my side. “Separate it with the teeth,
+inch by inch.”
+
+“I will be calm, then,” continued the other (who, to avoid the
+complication of the intermingling circumstances, may be described as
+the more stranger of the two), and he took of his neckcloth. “I am a
+merchant in tea, yellow fat, and mixed spices, in a small but hitherto
+satisfactory way.” Thus revealing himself, he continued to set forth
+how at an earlier hour he had started on a journey to deposit his wealth
+(doubtless as a propitiation of outraged deities) upon a certain bank,
+and how, upon reaching the specified point, he discovered that what
+he carried had eluded his vigilance. “All gone: notes, gold, and
+pocket-book--the savings of a lifetime,” concluded the ill-omened one,
+and at the recollection a sudden and even more highly-sustained frenzy
+of self-unpopularity involving him, without a pause he addressed himself
+by seven and twenty insulting expressions, many of which were quite new
+to my understanding.
+
+At the earliest mention of the details affecting the loss, the elbow of
+the person who had made himself responsible for the financial obligation
+of the day propelled itself against my middle part, and unseen by the
+other he indicated to me by means of his features that the entertainment
+was becoming one of agreeable prepossession.
+
+“Now, touching this hyer wallet,” he said presently. “How might you
+describe it?”
+
+“In colour it was red, and within were two compartments, the one
+containing three score notes each of ten pounds, the other fifty pounds
+of gold. But what’s the use of describing it? Some lucky demon will pick
+it up and pocket the lot, and I shall never see a cent of it again.”
+
+“Then you’d better consult one who reburnishes the eyes,” declared the
+magnanimous one with a laugh, and drawing forth the article referred to
+he cast it towards the merchant in a small way.
+
+At this point of the narrative my thoroughly incompetent brush confesses
+the proportions of the requirement to be beyond its most extended
+limit, and many very honourable details are necessarily left without
+expression.
+
+“I’ve known men of all sorts, good, bad, and bothwise,” exclaimed the
+one who had recovered his possessions; “but I never thought to meet
+a gent as would hand over six hundred and fifty pounds as if it was a
+toothpick. Sir, it overbalances me; it does, indeed.”
+
+“Say no more about it,” urged the first person, and to suggest
+gracefully that the incident had reached its furthest extremity, he
+began to set out the melody of an unspoken verse.
+
+“I will say no more, then,” he replied; “but you cannot reasonably
+prevent my doing something to express my gratitude. If you are not too
+proud you will come and partake of food and wine with me beneath the
+sign of the Funereal Male Cow, and to show my confidence in you I shall
+insist upon you carrying my pocket-book.”
+
+The person whom I had first encountered suffered his face to become
+excessively amused. “Say, stranger, do you take me for a pack-mule?”
+ he replied good-naturedly. “I already have about as much as I want to
+handle. Never mind; we’ll come along with you, and Mr. Kong shall carry
+your bullion.”
+
+At this delicate and high-minded proposal a rapid change, in no way
+complimentary to my explicit habit of adequately conducting any venture
+upon which I may be engaged, came over the face of the second person.
+
+“Sir,” he exclaimed, “I have nothing to say against this gentleman, but
+I am under no obligation to him, and I don’t see why I should trust him
+with everything I possess.”
+
+“Stranger,” exclaimed the other rising to his feet (and from this point
+it must be understood that the various details succeeded one another
+with a really agile dexterity), “let me tell you that Mr. Kong is my
+friend, and that ought to be enough.”
+
+“It is. If you say this gentleman is your friend, and that you have
+known him long and intimately enough to be able to answer for him,
+that’s good enough for me.”
+
+“Well,” admitted the first person, and I could not conceal from myself
+that his tone was inauspiciously reluctant, “I can’t exactly say that
+I’ve known him long; in fact I only met him half an hour ago. But I have
+the fullest confidence in his integrity.”
+
+“It’s just as I expected. Well, sir, you’re good-natured enough for
+anything, but if you’ll excuse me, I must say that you’re a small piece
+of an earthenware vessel after all”--the veiled allusion doubtlessly
+being that the vessel of necessity being broken, the contents inevitably
+escape--“and I hope you’re not being had.”
+
+“I’m not, and I’ll prove it before we go out together,” retorted the
+engaging one, who had in the meantime become so actively impetuous on my
+account, that he did not remain content with the spoken words, but threw
+the various belongings about as he mentioned them in a really profuse
+display of inimitable vehemence. “Here, Kong, take this hyer pocket-book
+whatever he says. Now on the top of that take everything I’ve got, and
+you know what THAT figures up to. Now give this gentleman your little
+lot to keep him quiet; I don’t ask for anything. Now, stranger, I’m
+ready. You and I will take a stroll round the block and back again, and
+if Mr. Kong isn’t waiting here for us when we return with everything
+intact and O.K., I’ll double your deposit and never trust a durned soul
+again.”
+
+Nodding genially over his shoulder with a harmonious understanding,
+expressive of the fact that we were embarking upon an undeniably
+diverting episode, the benevolent-souled person who had accumulated more
+riches than he was competent to melt away himself, passed out, urging
+the doubtful and still protesting one before him.
+
+Thus abandoned to my own reflections, I pondered for a short time
+profitably on the third head of the day’s meditation (Touching the match
+and this person’s unattractively-lined face. The revealed truth: the
+inexperienced sheep cannot pass through the hedge without leaving
+portions of his wool), and then finding the philosophy of Wei Chung very
+good, I determined to remove the superfluous apprehensions of the vender
+of food-stuffs with less delay by setting out and meeting them on their
+return.
+
+A few paces distant from the door, one of the ever-present watchers of
+the street was standing, watching the street with unremitting vigilance,
+while from the well-guarded expression of his face it might nevertheless
+be gathered that he stood as though in expectation.
+
+“Prosperity,” I said, with seasonable greeting. (For no excess of
+consideration is too great to be lavished upon these, who unite
+within themselves the courage of a high warrior, the expertness of a
+three-handed magician, and the courtesy of a genial mandarin.) “I
+seek two, apparelled thus and thus. Did you, by any chance, mark the
+direction of their footsteps?”
+
+“Oh,” he said, regarding this person with a most flattering application,
+“YOU seek them, do you? Well, they’ve just gone off in a hansom, and
+they’ll want a lot of seeking for the next week or two. You let them
+carry your purse, perhaps?”
+
+“Assuredly,” I replied. “As a mark of confidence; this person, for his
+part, receiving a like token at their hands.”
+
+“That’s it,” said the official watcher, conveying into his voice a
+subtle indication that he had become excessively fatigued. “It’s like
+a nursery tale--never too old to take with the kids. Well, come along,
+poor lamb, the station isn’t far.”
+
+So great had become the reliance which by this time I habitually reposed
+in these men, that I never sought to oppose their pronouncements (such
+a course being not only useless but undignified), and we therefore
+together reached the place which the one by my side had described as a
+station.
+
+From the outside the building was in no way imposing, but upon reaching
+an inner dungeon it at once became plain that no matter with what crime
+a person might be charged, even the most stubborn resistance would be
+unavailing. Before a fiercely-burning fire were arranged metal pincers,
+massive skewers, ornamental branding irons, and the usual accessories of
+the grill, one tool being already thrust into the heart of the flame
+to indicate the nature of its use, and its immediate readiness for the
+purpose. Pegs from which the accused could be hung by the thumbs
+with weights attached to the feet, covered an entire wall; chains,
+shackling-irons, fetters, steel rings for compressing the throat, and
+belts for tightening the chest, all had their appointed places, while
+the Chair, the Boot, the Heavy Hat, and many other appliances quite
+unknown to our system of administering justice were scattered about.
+
+Without pausing to select any of these, the one who led me approached
+a raised desk at which was seated a less warlike official, whose
+sympathetic appearance inspired confidence. “Kong Ho,” exclaimed to
+himself the person who is inscribing these words, “here is an individual
+into whose discriminating ear it would be well to pour the exact
+happening without evasion. Then even if the accusation against you be
+that of resembling another or trafficking with unlawful Forces, he will
+doubtless arrange the matter so that the expiation shall be as light and
+inexpensive as possible.”
+
+By this time certain other officials had drawn near. “What is it?” I
+heard one demand, and another replied, “Brooklyn Ben and Jimmie the
+Butterman again. Ah, they aren’t artful, are they!” but at this moment
+the two into whose power I had chiefly fallen having conversed together,
+I was commanded to advance towards them and reveal my name.
+
+“Kong,” I replied freely; and I had formed a design to explain somewhat
+of the many illustrious ancestors of the House, when the one at the
+desk, pausing to inscribe my answer in a book, spoke out.
+
+“Kong?” he said. “Is that the christian or surname?”
+
+“Sir-name?” replied this person between two thoughts. “Undoubtedly
+the one before you is entitled by public examination to the degree
+‘Recognised Talent,’ which may, as a meritorious distinction, be held
+equal to your title of a warrior clad in armour. Yet, if it is so held,
+that would rightly be this person’s official name of Paik.”
+
+“Oh, it would, would it?” said the one seated upon the high chair.
+“That’s quite clear. Are there any other names as well?”
+
+“Assuredly,” I explained, pained inwardly that one of official rank
+should so slightly esteem my appearance as to judge that I was so
+meagrely endowed. “The milk name of Ho; Tsin upon entering the Classes;
+as a Great Name Cheng; another style in Quank; the official title
+already expressed, and T’chun, Li, Yuen and Nung as the various
+emergencies of life arise.”
+
+“Thank you,” said the high-chair official courteously. “Now, just the
+name in full, please, without any velvet trimmings.”
+
+“Kong,” began this person, desirous above all things of putting
+the matter competently, yet secretly perturbed as to what might be
+considered superfluous and what deemed a perfidious suppression, “Ho
+Tsin Cheng Quank--”
+
+“Hold hard,” cried this same one, restraining me with an uplifted pen.
+“Did you say ‘Quack’?”
+
+“Quack?” repeated this person, beginning to become involved within
+himself, and not grasping the detail in the right position. “In a manner
+of setting the expression forth--”
+
+“Put him down, ‘Quack Duck,’ sir,” exclaimed one of dog-like dejection
+who stood by. “Most of these Lascars haven’t got any real names--they
+just go by what any one happens to call them at the time, like ‘Burmese
+Ike’ down at the Mint,” and this person unfortunately chancing to smile
+and bow acquiescently at that moment (not with any set intention, but
+as a general principle of courteous urbanity), in place of his really
+distinguished titles he will henceforth appear among the historical
+records of this dynasty under what he cannot disguise from his inner
+misgivings to be the low-caste appellation of Quack Duck.
+
+“Now the address, please,” continued the high one, again preparing to
+inscribe the word, and being determined that by no mischance should this
+particular be offensively reported, I unhesitatingly replied, “Beneath
+the Sign of the Lead Tortoise, on the northern course from the Lotus
+Pools outside the walls of Yuen-ping.”
+
+This answer the one with the book did not immediately record. “I
+don’t say it isn’t all right when you know the parts,” he remarked
+broad-mindedly, “but it does sound a trifle irregular. Can’t you give it
+a number and a street?”
+
+“I fancy it must be a pub, sir,” observed another. “He said that it had
+a sign--the Red Tortoise.”
+
+“Well, haven’t you got a London address?” said the high one, and this
+person being able to supply a street and a number as desired, this part
+of the undertaking was disposed of, to his cordial satisfaction.
+
+“Now let me see the articles which these men left with you,” commanded
+the chieftain of the band, and without any misleading discrepancies I at
+once drew forth from an inner sleeve the two scrips, of which adequate
+mention has already been made, another hitherto undescribed, two
+instruments for measuring the passing hours of the day, together with a
+chain of fine gold ingeniously wrought into the semblance of a cable,
+an ornament for the breast, set about with a jewel, two neck-cloths of
+a kind usually carried in the pocket, a book for recording happenings of
+any moment, pieces of money to the value of about eleven taels, a silver
+flagon, a sheathed weapon and a few lesser objects of insignificant
+value. These various details I laid obsequiously before the one who had
+commanded it, while the others stood around either in explicit silence
+or speaking softly beneath their breath.
+
+“Do I understand that the two persons left all these things with you,
+while they took your purse in exchange?” said the high official, after
+examining certain obscure signs upon the metals, the contents of the
+third scrip, and the like.
+
+“It cannot reasonably be denied,” I replied; “inasmuch as they departed
+without them.”
+
+“Spontaneously?” he demanded, and in spite of the unevadible severity of
+his voice the expression of his nearer eye deviated somewhat.
+
+“The spoken and conclusive word of the first was that it was his
+intention to commit to this one’s keeping everything which he had; the
+assertion of the second being that with this scrip I received all that
+he possessed.”
+
+“While of yours, what did they get, Mr. Quack?” and the tone of the one
+who spoke had a much more gratifying modulation than before, while the
+attitudes of those who stood around had favourably changed, until they
+now conveyed a message of deliberate esteem.
+
+“A serpent-skin case of two enclosures,” I replied. “On the one side
+was a handcount of the small copper-pieces of this Island, which I had
+caused to be burnished and gilt for the purpose of taking back to amuse
+those of Yuen-ping. On the other side were two or three pages from a
+gravity-removing printed leaf entitled ‘Bits of Tits,’ with which
+this person weekly instructs himself in the simpler rudiments of the
+language. For the rest the case was controlled by a hidden spring, and
+inscribed about with a charm against loss, consumption by fire, or being
+secretly acquired by the unworthy.”
+
+“I don’t think you stand in much need of that charm, Mr. Quack,”
+ remarked another of more than ordinary rank, who was also present. “Then
+they really got practically no money from you?”
+
+“By no means,” I admitted. “It was never literally stipulated, and
+whatever of wealth he possesses this person carries in a concealed spot
+beneath his waistbelt.” (For even to these, virtuous sire, I did not
+deem it expedient to reveal the fact that in reality it is hidden within
+the sole of my left sandal.)
+
+“I congratulate you,” he said with lavish refinement. “Ben and the
+Butterman can be very bland and persuasive. Could you tell me, as a
+matter of professional curiosity, what first put you on your guard?”
+
+“In this person’s country,” I replied, “there is an apt saying, ‘The
+sagacious bird does not build his nest twice in the empty soup-toureen,’
+and by observing closely what has gone before one may accurately
+conjecture much that will follow after.” It may be, that out of my
+insufferable shortcomings of style and expression, this answer did not
+convey to his mind the logical sequence of the warning; yet it would
+have been more difficult to show him how everything arose from the
+faultlessly-balanced system of the heroic Wei Chung, or the exact
+parallel lying between the ill-clad outcast who demanded a portion of
+tobacco and the cheerfully unassuming stranger who had in his possession
+a larger accumulation of money than he could conveniently disperse.
+
+In such a manner I took leave of the station and those connected with
+it, after directing that the share of the spoil which fell by the law
+of this Island to my lot should be sold and the money of exchange
+faithfully divided among the virtuous and necessitous of both sexes. The
+higher officials each waved me pleasantly by the hand, according to the
+striking and picturesque custom of the land, while the lesser ones stood
+around and spoke flattering words as I departed, as “honourable,” “a
+small piece of all-right,” “astute ancient male fowl,” “ah!” and the
+like.
+
+With repeated assurances that however ineptly the adventure may at the
+time appear to be tending, as regards the essentials of true dignity
+and an undeviating grasp upon articles of negotiable value, nothing of a
+regrettable incident need be feared.
+
+                                     KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER IX
+
+
+ Concerning the proverb of the highly-accomplished horse. The
+ various perils to be encountered in the Beneath Parts. The
+ inexplicable journey performed by this one, and concerning
+ the obscurity of the witchcraft employed.
+
+
+Venerated Sire,--Among these islanders there is a proverb, “Do not place
+the carte” (or card, the two words having an identical purport, and
+both signifying the inscribed tablet of viands prepared for a banquet,)
+“before the horse.” Doubtless the saying first arose as a timely rebuke
+to a certain barbarian emperor who announced his contempt for the
+intelligence of his subjects by conferring high mandarin rank upon a
+favourite steed and ceremoniously appointing it to be his chancellor;
+but from the narrower moral that an unreasoning animal is out of place,
+and even unseemly, in the entertaining hall or council chamber, the
+expression has in the course of time taken a wider application and is
+now freely used as an insidious thrust at one who may be suspected of
+contrariness of character, of confusing issues, or of acting in a vain
+or illogical manner. I had already preserved the saying among other
+instances of foreign thought and expression which I am collecting for
+your dignified amusement, as it is very characteristic of the wisdom and
+humour of these Outer Lands. The imagination is essentially barbaric. A
+horse--doubtless well-groomed, richly-caparisoned, and as intellectual
+as the circumstances will permit, but inevitably an animal of degraded
+attributes and untraceable ancestry--a horse reclining before a lavishly
+set-out table and considering well of what dish it shall next partake!
+Could anything, it appears, be more diverting! Truly to our more refined
+outlook the analogy is lacking both in delicacy of wit and in exactitude
+of balance, but to the grosser barbarian conception of what is
+gravity-removing it is irresistible.
+
+I am, however, reminded of the saying by perceiving that I was on the
+point of recording certain details of recent occurrence without first
+unrolling to your mind the incidents from which it has arisen that the
+person who is now communicating with you is no longer reposing in the
+Capital, but spending a period profitably in observing the habits of
+those who dwell in the more secluded recesses on the outskirts of the
+Island. This reversal of the proper sequence of affairs would doubtless
+strike those around as an instance of setting the banquet before the
+horse. Without delay, then, to pursue the allusion to its appropriate
+end, I will return, as it may be said, to my nosebag.
+
+At various points about the streets of the Capital there are certain
+caverns artificially let into the bowels of the earth, to which any
+person may betake himself upon purchasing a printed sign which he must
+display to the guardian of the gate. Once within the underneathmost
+parts he is free to be carried from place to place by means of the
+trains of carriages which I have already described to you, until he
+would return to the outer surface, when he must again display his
+talisman before he is permitted to pass forth. Nor is this an empty
+form, for upon an occasion this person himself witnessed a very bitter
+contention between a keeper of the barrier and one whose token had
+through some cause lost its potency.
+
+In the company of the experienced I had previously gone through the
+trial without mischance, so that recently when I expressed a wish to
+visit a certain Palace, and was informed that the most convenient manner
+would be to descend into the nearest cavern, I had no reasonable device
+for avoiding the encounter. Nevertheless, enlightened sire, I will
+not attempt to conceal from your omniscience that I was by no means
+impetuous towards the adventure. Owing to the pugnacious and unworthy
+suspicions of those who direct their destinies, I have not yet been
+able to penetrate the exact connection between the movements of these
+hot-smoke chariots and the Unseen Forces. To a person whose chief object
+in life is to avoid giving offence to any of the innumerable demons
+which are ever on the watch to revenge themselves upon our slightest
+indiscretion, this uncertainty opens an unending vista of intolerable
+possibilities. As if to emphasise the perils of this overhanging doubt
+the surroundings are ingeniously arranged so as to represent as nearly
+as practicable the terrors of the Beneath World. Both by day and night a
+funereal gloom envelops the caverns, the pathways and resting-places are
+meagre and so constructed as to be devoid of attraction or repose, and
+by a skilful contrivance the natural atmosphere is secretly withdrawn
+and a very acrimonious sulphurous haze driven in to replace it.
+In sudden and unforeseen places eyes of fire open and close with
+disconcerting rapidity, and even change colour in vindictive
+significance; wooden hands are outstretched as in unrelenting rigidity
+against supplication, or, divining the unexpressed thoughts, inexorably
+point, as one gazes, still deeper into the recesses of the earth; while
+the air is never free from the sounds of groans, shrieks, the rattling
+of chains, dull, hopeless noises beneath one’s feet or overhead, and the
+hoarse wordless cries of despair with which the attending slaves of the
+caverns greet the distant clamour of every approaching fire-chariot.
+Admittedly the intention of the device is benevolently conceived, and
+it is strenuously asserted that many persons of corrupt habits and
+ill-balanced lives, upon waking unexpectedly while passing through
+these Beneath Parts, have abandoned the remainder of their journey, and,
+escaping hastily to the outer air, have from that time onwards led a
+pure and consistent existence; but, on the other foot, those who are
+compelled to use the caverns daily, freely confess that the surroundings
+do not in any material degree purify their lives or tranquillise the
+nature of their inner thoughts.
+
+In this emergency I did not neglect to write out a diversity of charms
+against every possible variety of evil influence, and concealing them
+lavishly about my head and body, I presented myself with the outer
+confidence of a person who is inured to the exploit. Doubtless thereby
+being mistaken for one of themselves in the obscurity, I received the
+inscribed safeguard without opposition, and even an added sum in copper
+pieces, which I discreetly returned to the one behind the shutter, with
+the request that he would honourably burn a few joss sticks or sacrifice
+to a trivial amount, to the success of my journey. In such a manner
+I reached an awaiting train, and, taking up within it a position of
+retiring modesty, I definitely committed myself to the undertaking.
+
+At the next tarrying place there entered a barbarian of high-class
+appearance, and being by this time less assured of my competence in the
+matter unaided, both on account of the multiplicity of evil omens on
+every side, and the perverse impulses of the guiding demon, whereby
+at sudden angles certain of my organs had the emotion of being left
+irrevocably behind and others of being snatched relentlessly forward, I
+approached him courteously.
+
+“Behold,” I said, “many thousand li of water, both fresh and bitter,
+flow between the one who is addressing you and his native town of
+Yuen-ping, where the tablets at the street corners are as familiar to
+him as the lines of his own unshapely hands; for, as it is truly said,
+‘Does the starling know the lotus roots, or the pomfret read its way by
+the signs among the upper branches of the pines?’ Out of the necessities
+of his ignorance and your own overwhelming condescension enlighten him,
+therefore, whether the destination of this fire-chariot by any chance
+corresponds with the inscribed name upon his talisman?”
+
+Thus adjured, the stranger benevolently turned himself to the detail,
+and upon consulting a book of symbols he expressed himself to this wise:
+that after a sufficient interval I should come into a certain station,
+called in part after the title of the enlightened ruler of this Island,
+and there abandoning the train which was carrying us, I should enter
+another which would bring me out of the Beneath Parts and presently into
+the midst of that Palace which I sought. This advice seemed good, for
+a reasonable connection might be supposed to exist between a station
+so auspiciously called and a Palace bearing the harmonious name of
+the gracious and universally-revered sovereign-consort. Accordingly I
+thanked him ceremoniously, not only on my own part, but also on behalf
+of eleven generations of immediate ancestors, and in the name of seven
+generations who should come after, and he on his side agreeably replied
+that he was sure his grandmother would have done as much for mine, and
+he sincerely hoped that none of his great-great-grandchildren would
+prove less obliging. In this intellectual manner, varied with the
+entertainment of profuse bows, the time passed cordially between us
+until the barbarian reached his own alighting stage, when he again
+repeated the various details of the strategy for my observance.
+
+At this point let it be set forth deliberately that there existed no
+treachery in the advice, still less that this person is incapable of
+competently achieving the destined end of any hazard upon which he
+may embark when once the guiding signs have been made clear to his
+understanding. Whatever entanglement arose was due merely to the
+conflicting manners of expression used by two widely-varying races, even
+as our own proverb says, “What is only sauce for the cod is serious for
+the oyster.”
+
+At the station indicated as bearing the sign of the ruler of the country
+(which even a person of little discernment could have recognised by
+the highly-illuminated representation bearing the elusively-worded
+inscription, “In packets only”), I left this fire-chariot, and at once
+perceiving another in an attitude of departure, I entered it, as the
+casual barbarian had definitely instructed, and began to assure myself
+that I had already become expertly proficient in the art of journeying
+among these Beneath Regions and to foresee the time, not far distant,
+when others would confidently address themselves to me in their
+extremities. So entrancing did this contemplation grow, that this
+outrageous person began to compose the actual words with which he would
+instruct them as the occasion arose, as thus, “Undoubtedly, O virtuous
+and not unattractive maiden, this fire-engine will ultimately lead your
+refined footsteps into the street called Those who Bake Food. Do not
+hesitate, therefore, to occupy the vacant place by this insignificant
+one’s side”; or, “By no means, honourable sir; the Cross of Charing
+is in the precisely opposite direction to that selected by this
+self-opinionated machine for its inopportune destination. Do not rebuke
+this person for his immoderate loss of mental gravity, for your mistake,
+though pardonable in a stranger, is really excessively diverting. Your
+most prudent course now will assuredly be to cast yourself from the
+carriage without delay and rely upon the benevolent intervention of a
+fire-chariot proceeding backwards.”
+
+Alas, it is truly said, “None but sword-swallowers should endeavour to
+swallow swords,” thereby signifying the vast chasm that lies between
+those who are really adroit in an undertaking and those who only think
+that they may easily become so. Presently it began to become deeply
+impressed upon my discrimination that the journey was taking a more
+lengthy duration than I had been given to understand would be the case,
+while at the same time a permanent deliverance from the terrors of the
+Beneath Parts seemed to be insidiously lengthening out into a funereal
+unattainableness. The point of this person’s destination, he had been
+assured on all hands, was a spot beyond which even the most aggressively
+assertive engine could not proceed, so that he had no fears of being
+incapably drawn into more remote places, yet when hour after hour passed
+and the ill-destined machine never failed in its malicious endeavours to
+leave each successive tarrying station, it is not to be denied that
+my imagination dwelt regretfully upon the true civilisation of our
+own enlightened country, where, by the considerate intervention of an
+all-wise government, the possibilities of so distressing an experience
+are sympathetically removed from one’s path. Thus the greater part of
+the day had faded, and I was conjecturing that by this time we must
+inevitably be approaching the barren and inhospitable country which
+forms the northern limit of the Island, when the door suddenly opened
+and the barbarian stranger whom I had left many hundred li behind
+entered the carriage.
+
+At this manifestation all uncertainty departed, and I now understood
+that to some obscure end witchcraft of a very powerful and high-caste
+kind was being employed around me; for in no other way was it credible
+to one’s intelligence that a person could propel himself through the
+air with a speed greater than that of one of these fire-chariots, and
+overtake it. Doubtless it was a part of this same scheme which made it
+seem expedient to the stranger that he should feign a part, for he
+at once greeted me as though the occasion were a matter of everyday
+happening, exclaiming genially--
+
+“Well, Mr. Kong, returning? And what do you think of the Palace?”
+
+“It is fitly observed, ‘To the earthworm the rice stalk is as high as
+the pagoda,’” I replied with adroit evasion, clearly understanding from
+his manner that for some reason, not yet revealed to me, a course of
+dissimulation was expedient in order to mislead the surrounding
+demons concerning my movements, and by a subtle indication of the face
+conveying to the stranger an assurance that I had tactfully grasped
+the requirement, and would endeavour to walk well upon his heels,
+“and therefore it would be unseemly for a person of my insignificant
+attainments to engage in the doubtful flattery of comparing it with
+the many other residences of the pure and exalted which embellish your
+Capital.”
+
+“Oh,” said the one whom I may now suitably describe by the name of Sir
+Philip, “that’s rather a useful proverb sometimes. Many people there?”
+
+At this inquiry I could not disguise from myself an emotion that
+the person seated opposite was not diplomatically inspired in so
+persistently clinging to the one subject upon which he must assuredly
+know that I experienced an all-pervading deficiency. Nevertheless,
+being by this more fully convinced that the disguise was one of critical
+necessity, and not deeming that the essential ceremonies of one Palace
+would differ from those of another, no matter in what land they stood
+(while through all I read a clear design on Sir Philip’s part that
+the opportunity was craftily arranged so that I might impress upon any
+vindictively-intentioned spirits within hearing an assumption of high
+protection), I replied that the gathering had been one of unparalleled
+splendour, both by reason of the multitude of exalted nobles present
+and also owing to the jewelled magnificence lavished on every detail.
+Furthermore, I continued, now definitely abandoning all the promptings
+of a wise reserve, and reflecting, as we say, that one may as well be
+drowned in the ocean as in a wooden bucket, not only did the sublime and
+unapproachable sovereign graciously permit me to kow-tow respectfully
+before him, but subsequently calling me to his side beneath a canopy of
+golden radiance, he conversed genially with me and benevolently assured
+me of his sympathetic favour on all occasions (this, I conjectured,
+would certainly overawe any Evil Force not among the very highest
+circles), while the no less magnanimous Prince of the Imperial Line
+questioned me with flattering assiduousness concerning a method of
+communicating with persons at a distance by means of blows or stamps
+upon a post (as far as the outer meaning conveyed itself to me), the
+houses which we build, and whether they contained an adequate provision
+of enclosed spaces in the walls.
+
+Doubtless I could have continued in this praiseworthy spirit of delicate
+cordiality to an indefinite amount had I not chanced to observe at this
+point that the expression of Sir Philip’s urbanity had become entangled
+in a variety of other emotions, not all propitious to the scheme,
+so that in order to retire imperceptibly within myself I smiled
+broad-mindedly, remarking that it was well said that the moon was only
+bright while the sun was hid, and that I had lately been dazzled with
+the sight of so much brilliance and virtuous condescension that
+there were occasions when I questioned inwardly how much I had really
+witnessed, and how much had been conveyed to me in the nature of an
+introspective vision.
+
+It will already have been made plain to you, O my courtly-mannered
+father, that these barbarians are totally deficient in the polite
+art whereby two persons may carry on a flattering and highly-attuned
+conversation, mutually advantageous to the esteem of each, without it
+being necessary in any way that their statements should have more than
+an ornamental actuality. So wanting in this, the most concentrated form
+of truly well-bred entertainment, are even their high officials,
+that after a few more remarks, to which I made answer in a spirit of
+skilfully-sustained elusiveness, the utterly obtuse Sir Philip said at
+length, “Excuse my asking, Mr. Kong, but have you really been to the
+Alexandra Palace at all?”
+
+Admittedly there are few occasions in life on which it is not possible
+to fail to see the inopportune or low-class by a dignified impassiveness
+of features, an adroitly-directed jest, or a remark of baffling
+inconsequence, but in the face of so distressingly straightforward a
+demand what can be advanced by a person of susceptible refinement when
+opposed to one of incomparably larger dimensions, imprisoned by his side
+in the recess of a fire-chariot which is leaping forward with uncurbed
+velocity, and surrounded by demons with whose habits and partialities he
+is unfamiliar?
+
+“In a manner of expressing the circumstance,” I replied, “it is not to
+be denied that this person’s actual footsteps may have imperceptibly
+been drawn somewhat aside from the path of his former design. Yet
+inasmuch as it is truly said that the body is in all things subservient
+to the mind, and is led withersoever it is willed, and as your engaging
+directions were scrupulously observed with undeviating fidelity, it
+would be impertinently self-opinionated on this person’s part to
+imply that they failed to guide him to his destination. Thus, for all
+ceremonial purposes, it is permissible conscientiously to assume that he
+HAS been there.”
+
+“I am afraid that I must not have been sufficiently clear,” said Sir
+Philip. “Did you miss the train at King’s Cross?”
+
+“By no means,” I replied firmly, pained inwardly that he should cast the
+shadow of such narrow incompetence upon me. “Seeing this machine on the
+point of setting forth on a journey, even as your overwhelming
+sagacity had enabled you to predict would be the case, I embarked with
+self-reliant confidence.”
+
+“Good lord!” murmured the person opposite, beginning to manifest an
+excess of emotion for which I was quite unable to account. “Then you
+have been in this train--your actual footsteps I mean, Mr. Kong; not
+your ceremonial abstract subliminal ego--ever since?”
+
+To this I replied that his words shone like the moon at midnight with
+scintillating points of truth; adding, however, as the courtesies of
+the occasion required, that I had been so impressed with the many-sided
+brilliance of his conversation earlier in the day as to render the
+flight of time practically unnoticed by me.
+
+“But did it never occur to you to ask at one of the stations?” he
+demanded, still continuing to wave his hands incapably from side to
+side. “Any of the porters would have told you.”
+
+“Kong Li Heng, the founder of our line, who was really great, has been
+dead eleven centuries, and no single fact or incident connected with his
+life has been preserved to influence mankind,” I replied. “How much less
+will it matter, then, even in so limited a space of time as a hundred
+years, in what fashion so insignificant a person as the one before you
+acted on any occasion, and why, therefore, should he distress himself
+unnecessarily to any precise end?” In this manner I sought to place
+before him the dignified example of an imperturbability which can be
+maintained in every emergency, and at the same time to administer a
+plain yet scrupulously-sheathed rebuke; for the inauspicious manner in
+which he had first drawn me on to speak confidently of the ceremonies of
+the Royal Palace and then held up my inadequacy to undeserved contempt
+had not rejoiced my imagination, and I was still uncertain how much to
+claim, and whether, perchance, even yet a more subtle craft lay under
+all.
+
+“Well, in any case, when you go back you can claim the distinction of
+having been taken seven times round London, although you can’t really
+have seen much of it,” said Sir Philip. “This is a Circle train.”
+
+At this assertion I looked up. Though admittedly curved a little about
+the roof the chariot was in every essential degree what we should
+pronounce to be a square one; whereupon, feeling at length that the
+involvement had definitely passed to a point beyond my contemptible
+discernment, I spread out my hands acquiescently and affably remarked
+that the days were lengthening out pleasantly.
+
+In such a manner I became acquainted with the one Sir Philip, and
+thereby, in a somewhat circuitous line, the original purpose which
+possessed my brush when I began this inept and commonplace letter
+is reached; for the person in question not only lay upon himself the
+obligation of leading me “by the strings of his apron-garment”--in the
+characteristic and fanciful turn of the barbarian language--to that same
+Palace on the following day, but thenceforth gracefully affecting to
+discern certain agreeable virtues in my conversation and custom of habit
+he frequently sought me out. More recently, on the double plea that they
+of his household had a desire to meet me, and that if I spent all my
+time within the Capital my impressions of the Island would necessarily
+be ill-balanced and deformed, he advanced a project that I should
+accompany him to a spot where, as far as I was competent to grasp
+the idiom, he was in the habit of sitting (doubtless in an abstruse
+reverie), in the country; and having assured myself by means of discreet
+innuendo that the seat referred to would be adequate for this person
+also, and that the occasion did not in any way involve a payment of
+money, I at once expressed my willingness towards the adventure.
+
+With numerous expressions of unfeigned regret (from a filial point of
+view) that the voice of one of the maidens of the household, lifted
+in the nature of a defiance against this one to engage with her in a
+two-handed conflict of hong pong, obliges him to bring this immature
+composition to a hasty close.
+
+                                     KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER X
+
+
+ Concerning the authority of this high official, Sir Philip.
+ The side-slipperyness of barbarian etiquette. The hurl-
+ headlong sportiveness and that achieving its end by means of
+ curved mallets.
+
+
+Venerated Sire,--If this person’s memory is accurately poised on the
+detail, he was compelled to abandon his former letter (when on the point
+of describing the customs of these outer places), in order to take part
+in a philosophical discussion with some of the venerable sages of the
+neighbourhood.
+
+Resuming the narration where it had reached this remote province of
+the Empire, it is a suitable opportunity to explain that this same
+Sir Philip is here greeted on every side with marks of deferential
+submission, and is undoubtedly an official of high button, for whenever
+the inclination seizes him he causes prisoners to be sought out, and
+then proceeds to administer justice impartially upon them. In the case
+of the wealthy and those who have face to lose, the matter is generally
+arranged, to his profit and to the satisfaction of all, by the payment
+of an adequate sum of money, after the invariable custom of our own
+mandarincy. When this incentive to leniency is absent it is usual to
+condemn the captive to imprisonment in a cell (it is denied officially,
+but there is no reason to doubt that a large earthenware vessel is
+occasionally used for this purpose,) for varying periods, though it is
+notorious that in the case of the very necessitous they are sometimes
+set freely at liberty, and those who took them publicly reprimanded for
+accusing persons from whose condition no possible profit could arise.
+This confinement is seldom inflicted for a longer period than seven,
+fourteen, or twenty-one days (these being lucky numbers,) except in the
+case of those who have been held guilty of ensnaring certain birds and
+beasts which appear to be regarded as sacred, for they have their duly
+appointed attendants who wear a garb and are trained in the dexterous
+use of arms, lurking with loaded weapons in secret places to catch the
+unwary, both by night and day. Upheld by the high nature of their office
+these persons shrink from no encounter and even suffer themselves to be
+killed with resolute unconcern; but when successful they are not denied
+an efficient triumph, for it is admitted that those whom they capture
+are marked men from that time (doubtless being branded upon the body
+with the name of their captor), and no future defence is availing. The
+third punishment, that of torture, is reserved for a class of solitary
+mendicants who travel from place to place, doubtless spreading the germs
+of an inflammatory doctrine of rebellion, for, owing to my own degraded
+obtuseness, the actual nature of their crimes could never be made clear
+to me. Of the tortures employed that known in their language as the
+“bath” (for which we have no real equivalent,) is the most dreaded, and
+this person has himself beheld men of gigantic proportions, whose bodies
+bore the stain of a voluntary endurance to every privation, abandon
+themselves to a most ignoble despair upon hearing the ill-destined word.
+Unquestionably the infliction is closely connected with our own ordeal
+of boiling water, but from other indications it is only reasonable to
+admit that there is an added ingredient, of which we probably have no
+knowledge, whereby the effect is enhanced in every degree, and the outer
+surface of the victim rendered more vulnerable. There is also another
+and milder form of torture, known as the “task”, consisting either of
+sharp-edged stones being broken upon the body, or else the body broken
+upon sharp-edged stones, but precisely which is the official etiquette
+of the case this person’s insatiable passion for accuracy and his
+short-sighted limitations among the more technical outlines of the
+language, prevent him from stating definitely.
+
+Let it here be openly confessed that the intricately-arranged titles
+used among these islanders, and the widely-varying dignities which they
+convey, have never ceased to embarrass my greetings on all occasions,
+and even yet, when a more crystal insight into their strangely illogical
+manners enables me not only to understand them clearly myself, but
+also to expound their significance to others, a necessary reticence is
+blended with my most profuse cordiality, and my salutations to one whom
+I am for the first time encountering are now so irreproachably balanced,
+that I can imperceptibly develop them into an engaging effusion, or,
+without actual offence, draw back into a condition of unapproachable
+exclusiveness as the necessity may arise. With us, O my immaculate sire,
+a yellow silk umbrella has for three thousand years denoted a fixed and
+recognisable title. A mandarin of the sixth degree need not hesitate to
+mingle on terms of assured equality with other mandarins of the sixth
+degree, and without any guide beyond a seemly instinct he perceives
+the reasonableness of assuming a deferential obsequiousness before a
+mandarin of the fifth rank, and a counterbalancing arrogance when in the
+society of an official who has only risen to the seventh degree, thus
+conforming to that essential principle of harmonious intercourse,
+“Remember that Chang Chow’s ceiling is Tong Wi’s floor”; but who shall
+walk with even footsteps in a land where the most degraded may legally
+bear the same distinguished name as that of the enlightened sovereign
+himself, where the admittedly difficult but even more purposeless
+achievement of causing a gold mine to float is held to be more
+praiseworthy than to pass a competitive examination or to compose a
+poem of inimitable brilliance, and where one wearing gilt buttons and an
+emblem in his hat proves upon ingratiating approach not to be a powerful
+official but a covetous and illiterate slave of inferior rank?
+Thus, through their own narrow-minded inconsistencies, even the most
+ceremoniously-proficient may at times present an ill-balanced attitude.
+This, without reproach to himself, concerns the inward cause whereby
+the one who is placed to you in the relation of an affectionate and
+ever-resourceful son found unexpectedly that he had lost the benignant
+full face of a lady of exalted title.
+
+At that time I had formed the acquaintance, in an obscure quarter of the
+city, of one who wore a uniform, and was addressed on all sides as the
+commander of a band, while the gold letters upon the neck part of his
+outer garment inevitably suggested that he had borne an honourable share
+in the recent campaign in a distant land. As I had frequently met many
+of similar rank drinking tea at the house of the engaging countess to
+whom I have alluded, I did not hesitate to prevail upon this Captain
+Miggs to accompany me there upon an occasion also, assuring him of
+equality and a sympathetic reception; but from the moment of our
+arrival the attitudes of those around pointed to the existence of some
+unpropitious barrier invisible to me, and when the one with whom I was
+associated took up an unassailable position upon the central table,
+and began to speak authoritatively upon the subject of The Virtues,
+the unenviable condition of the proud and affluent, and the myriads of
+fire-demons certainly laying in wait for those who partook of spiced tea
+and rich foods in the afternoon, and did not wear a uniform similar to
+his own, I began to recognise that the selection had been inauspiciously
+arranged. Upon taxing some around with the discrepancy (as there seemed
+to be no more dignified way of evading the responsibility), they were
+unable to contend against me that there were, indeed, two, if not more,
+distinct varieties of those bearing the rank of captain, and that they
+themselves belonged to an entirely different camp, wearing another
+dress, and possessing no authority to display the symbol of the letters
+S.A. upon their necks. With this admission I was content to leave the
+matter, in no way accusing them of actual duplicity, yet so withdrawing
+that any of unprejudiced standing could not fail to carry away the
+impression that I had been the victim of an unworthy artifice, and had
+been lured into their society by the pretext that they were other than
+what they really were.
+
+With the bitter-flavoured memory of this, and other in no way dissimilar
+episodes, lingering in my throat, it need not be a matter of conjecture
+that for a time I greeted warily all who bore a title, a mark of rank,
+or any similar appendage; who wore a uniform, weapon, brass helmet,
+jewelled crown, coat of distinctive colour, or any excessive superfluity
+of pearl or metal buttons; who went forth surrounded by a retinue, sat
+publicly in a chair or allegorical chariot, spoke loudly in the highways
+and places in a tone of official pronouncement, displayed any feather,
+emblem, inscribed badge, or printed announcement upon a pole, or in any
+way conducted themselves in what we should esteem to be fitting to
+a position of high dignity. From this arose the absence of outward
+enthusiasm with which I at first received Sir Philip’s extended
+favour; for although I had come to distrust all the reasonable signs of
+established power, I distrusted, to a much more enhanced degree, their
+complete absence; and when I observed that the one in question was never
+accompanied by a band of musicians or flower-strewers, that he mingled
+as though on terms of familiar intercourse with the ordinary passers-by
+in the streets, and never struck aside those who chanced to impede
+his progress, and that he actually preferred those of low condition to
+approach him on their feet, rather than in the more becoming attitude
+of unconditional prostration, I reasoned with myself whether indeed he
+could consistently be a person of well-established authority, or whether
+I was not being again led away from my self-satisfaction by another
+obliquity of barbarian logic. It was for this reason that I now welcomed
+the admitted power which he has of incriminating persons in a variety
+of punishable offences, and I perceived with an added satisfaction
+that here, where this privilege is more fully understood, few meet him
+without raising their hands to the upper part of their heads in token of
+unquestioning submission; or, as one would interpret the symbolism into
+actual words, meaning, “Thus, from this point to the underneath part of
+our sandals, all between lies in the hollow of your comprehensive hand.”
+
+
+There is a written jest among another barbarian nation that these among
+whom I am tarrying, being by nature a people who take their pleasures
+tragically, when they rise in the morning say, one to another, “Come,
+behold; it is raining again as usual; let us go out and kill somebody.”
+ Undoubtedly the pointed end of this adroit-witted saying may be found
+in the circumstance that it is, indeed, as the proverb aptly claims,
+raining on practically every occasion in life; while, to complete the
+comparison, for many dynasties past this nation has been successfully
+engaged in killing people (in order to promote their ultimate benefit
+through a momentary inconvenience,) in every part of the world. Thus
+the lines of parallel thought maintain a harmonious balance beyond the
+general analogy of their sayings; but beneath this may be found an even
+subtler edge, for in order to inure themselves to the requirement of a
+high destiny their various games and manners of disportment are, with a
+set purpose, so rigorously contested that in their progress most of the
+weak and inefficient are opportunely exterminated.
+
+There is a favourite and well-attended display wherein two opposing
+bands, each clad in robes of a distinctive colour, stand in extended
+lines of mutual defiance, and at a signal impetuously engage. The
+design of each is by force or guile to draw their opponents into an
+unfavourable position before an arch of upright posts, and then surging
+irresistibly forward, to carry them beyond the limit and hurl them to
+the ground. Those who successfully inflict this humiliation upon their
+adversaries until they are incapable of further resistance are hailed
+victorious, and sinking into a graceful attitude receive each a golden
+cup from the magnanimous hands of a maiden chose to the service, either
+on account of her peerless outline, the dignified position of her House,
+or (should these incentives be obviously wanting,) because the chief
+ones of her family are in the habit of contributing unstintingly to the
+equipment of the triumphal band. There is also another kind of strife,
+differing in its essentials only so far that all who engage therein are
+provided with a curved staff, with which they may dexterously draw their
+antagonists beyond the limits, or, should they fail to defend themselves
+adequately, break the smaller bones of their ankles. But this form of
+encounter, despite the use of these weapons, is really less fatal
+than the other, for it is not a permissible act to club an antagonist
+resentfully about the head with the staff, nor yet even to thrust
+it rigidly against his middle body. From this moderation the public
+countenance extended to the curved-pole game is contemptibly meagre when
+viewed by the side of the overwhelming multitudes which pour along every
+channel in order to witness a more than usually desperate trial of the
+hurl-headlong variety (the sight, indeed, being as attractive to these
+pale, blood-thirsty foreigners as an unusually large execution is
+with us), and as a consequence the former is little reputed save among
+maidens, the feeble, and those of timorous instincts.
+
+Thus positioned, regarding a knowledge of their outside amusements, it
+has always been one of the most prominent ambitions of this person’s
+strategy to avoid being drawn into any encounter. At the same time,
+the thought that the maidens of the household here (of whom there are
+several, all so attractively proportioned that to compare them in a
+spirit of definite preference would be distastefully presumptuous to
+this person,) should regard me as one lacking in a sufficient display
+of violence was not fragrant to my sense of refinement; so that when
+Sir Philip, a little time after our arrival, related to me that on the
+following day he and a chosen band were to be engaged in the match of a
+cricket game against adversaries from the village, and asked whether I
+cared to bear a part in the strife, I grasped the muscles of the upper
+part of my left arm with my right hand--as I had frequently seen the
+hardy and virile do when the subject of their powers had been raised
+questioningly--and replied that I had long concealed an insatiable wish
+to take such a part at a point where the conflict would be the most
+revengefully contested.
+
+Being thus inflexibly committed it became very necessary to arrange a
+well-timed intervention (whether in the nature of bodily disorder, fire,
+or demoniacal upheaval, a warning omen, or the death of some of our
+chief antagonists), but before doing so I was desirous of understanding
+how this contest, which had hitherto remained outside my experience, was
+waged.
+
+There is here one of benevolent rotundity in whose authority lie the
+cavernous stores beneath the house and the vessels of gold and silver;
+of menial rank admittedly, yet exacting a seemly deference from all
+by the rich urbanity of his voice and the dignity of his massive
+proportions. In the affable condescension of his tone, and the
+discriminating encouragement of his attitude towards me on all
+occasions, I have read a sympathetic concern over my welfare. Him I now
+approached, and taking him aside, I first questioned him flatteringly
+about his age and the extent of his yearly recompense, and then casually
+inquired what in his language he would describe the nature of a cricket
+to be.
+
+“A cricket?” repeated the obliging person readily; “a cricket, sir, is a
+hinsect. Something, I take it, after the manner of a grass-’opper.”
+
+“Truly,” I agreed. “It is aptly likened. And, to continue the simile, a
+game cricket--?”
+
+“A game cricket?” he replied; “well, sir, naturally a game one would be
+more gamier than the others, wouldn’t it?”
+
+“The inference is unflinching,” I admitted, and after successfully
+luring away his mind from any significance in the inquiry by asking him
+whether the gift of a lacquered coffin or an embroidered shroud would be
+the more regarded on parting, I left him.
+
+His words, esteemed, for a definite reason were as the jade-clappered
+melody of a silver bell. This trial of sportiveness, it became
+clear,--less of a massacre than most of their amusements--is really
+a rivalry of leapings and dexterity of the feet: a conflict of game
+crickets or grass-hoppers, in the somewhat wide-angled obscurity of
+their language, or, as we would more appropriately call it doubtless,
+a festive competition in the similitude of high-spirited locusts. To
+whatever degree the surrounding conditions might vary, there could no
+longer be a doubt that the power of leaping high into the air was
+the essential constituent of success in this barbarian match of
+crickets--and in such an accomplishment this person excelled from the
+time of his youth with a truly incredible proficiency. Can it be a
+reproach, then, that when I considered this, and saw in a vision the
+contempt of inferiority which I should certainly be able to inflict
+upon these native crickets before the eyes of their maidens, even
+the accumulated impassiveness of thirty-seven generations of Kong
+fore-fathers broke down for the moment, and unable to restrain every
+vestige of emotion I crept unperceived to the ancestral hall of Sir
+Philip and there shook hands affectionately with myself before each of
+the nine ironclad warriors about its walls before I could revert to
+a becoming state of trustworthy unconcern. That night in my own upper
+chamber I spent many hours in testing my powers and studying more
+remarkable attitudes of locust flight, and I even found to be within
+myself some new attainments of life-like agility, such as feigning the
+continuous note of defiance with which the insect meets his adversary,
+as remaining poised in the air for an appreciable moment at the summit
+of each leap, and of conveying to the body a sudden and disconcerting
+sideway movement in the course of its ascent. So immersed did I become
+in the achievement of a high perfection that, to my never-ending
+self-reproach, I failed to notice a supernatural visitation of undoubted
+authenticity; for the next morning it was widely admitted that a certain
+familiar demon of the house, which only manifests its presence on
+occasions of tragic omen, had been heard throughout the night in
+warning, not only beating its head and body against the walls and
+doors in despair, but raising from time to time a wailing cry of
+soul-benumbing bitterness.
+
+With every assurance that the next letter, though equally distorted
+in style and immature in expression, will contain the record of a
+deteriorated but ever upward-striving son’s ultimate triumph.
+
+                                     KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XI
+
+
+ Concerning the game which we should call “Locusts,” and the
+ deeper significance of its acts. The solicitous warning of
+ one passing inwards and the complication occasioned by his
+ ill-chosen words. Concerning that victory already dimly
+ foreshadowed.
+
+
+Venerated Sire,--This barbarian game of agile grass-hoppers is not
+conducted in the best spirit of a really well-balanced display, and
+although the one now inscribing his emotions certainly achieved a wide
+popularity, and wore his fig leaves with becoming modesty, he has never
+since been quite free from an overhanging doubt that the compliments and
+genial remarks with which he was assailed owed their modulation to an
+unsubstantial atmosphere of two-edged significance which for a period
+enveloped all whom he approached; as in the faces of maidens concealed
+behind fans when he passed, the down-drawn lips and up-raised eyes
+of those of fuller maturity, the practice in most of his own kind
+of turning aside, pressing their hands about their middle parts, and
+bending forward into a swollen attitude devoid of grace, on the spur of
+a sudden remembrance, and in the auspicious but undeniably embarrassing
+manner in which all the unfledged ones of the village clustered about
+his retiring footsteps, saluting him continually as one “James,” upon
+whom had been conferred the gratifying title of “Sunny.” Thus may the
+outline of the combat be recounted.
+
+From each opposing group eleven were chosen as a band, and we of our
+company putting on a robe of distinctive green (while they elected to
+be regarded as an assemblage of brown crickets), we presently came to a
+suitable spot where the trial was to be decided. So far this person
+had reasonably assumed that at a preconcerted signal the contest would
+begin, all rising into the air together, uttering cries of menace,
+bounding unceasingly and in every way displaying the dexterity of our
+proportions. Indeed, in the reasonableness of this expectation it cannot
+be a matter for reproach to one of the green grass-hoppers--who need not
+be further indicated--that he had already begun a well-simulated note
+of challenge to those around clad in brown, and to leap upwards in
+a preparatory essay, when the ever-alert Sir Philip took him
+affectionately by the arm, on the plea that the seclusion of a
+neighbouring pavilion afforded a desirable shade.
+
+Beyond that point it is difficult to convey an accurately grouped and
+fully spread-out design of the encounter. In itself the scheme and
+intention of counterfeiting the domestic life and rivalries of two
+opposing bands of insects was pleasantly conceived, and might have been
+carried out with harmonious precision, but, after the manner of these
+remote tribes, the original project had been overshadowed and the purity
+of the imagination lost beneath a mass of inconsistent detail. To
+this imperfection must it be laid that when at length this person was
+recalled from the obscurity of the pagoda and the alluring society of
+a maiden of the village, to whom he was endeavouring to expound the
+strategy of the game, and called upon to engage actively in it, he
+courteously admitted to those who led him forth that he had not the most
+shadowy-outlined idea of what was required of him.
+
+Nevertheless they bound about his legs a frilled armour, ingeniously
+fashioned to represent the ribbed leanness of the insect’s shank,
+encased his hands and feet in covers to a like purpose, and pressing
+upon him a wooden club indicated that the time had come for him to
+prove his merit by venturing alone into the midst of the eleven brown
+adversaries who stood at a distance in poised and expectant attitudes.
+
+Assuredly, benignant one, this sport of contending locusts began, as one
+approached nearer to it, to wear no more pacific a face than if it had
+been a carnage of the hurl-headlong or the curved-hook varieties. In
+such a competition, it occurred to him, how little deference would be
+paid to this one’s title of “Established Genius,” or how inadequately
+would he be protected by his undoubted capacity of leaping upwards,
+and even in a sideway direction, for no matter how vigorously he
+might propel himself, or how successfully he might endeavour to remain
+self-sustained in the air, the ill-destined moment could not be long
+deferred when he must come down again into the midst of the eleven--all
+doubtless concealing weapons as massive and fatally-destructive as his
+own. This prospect, to a person of quiescent taste, whose chief
+delight lay in contemplating the philosophical subtleties of the higher
+Classics, was in itself devoid of glamour, but with what funereal
+pigments shall he describe his sinking emotions when one of his own
+band, approaching him as he went, whispered in his ear, “Look out at
+this end; they kick up like the very devil. And their man behind the
+wicket is really smart; if you give him half a chance he’ll have
+your stumps down before you can say ‘knife.’” Shorn of its uncouth
+familiarity, this was a charitable warning that they into whose
+stronghold I was turning my footsteps--perhaps first deceiving my
+alertness with a proffered friendship--would kick with the ferocity of
+untamed demons, and that one in particular, whose description, to my
+added despair, I was unable to retain, was known to possess a formidable
+knife, with which it was his intention to cut off this person’s legs at
+the first opportunity, before he could be accused of the act. Truly, “To
+one whom he would utterly destroy Buddha sends a lucky dream.”
+
+Behind lay the pagoda (though the fact that this one did admittedly turn
+round for a period need not be too critically dwelt upon), with three
+tiers of maidens, some already waving their hands as an encouraging
+token; on each side a barrier of prickly growth inopportunely presented
+itself, while in front the eleven kicking crickets stood waiting, and
+among them lurked the one grasping a doubly-edged blade of a highly
+proficient keenness.
+
+There are occasional moments in the life of a person when he has the
+inward perception of retiring for a few paces and looking back in order
+to consider his general appearance and to judge how he is situated
+with regard to himself, to review his past life in a spirit of judicial
+severity, to arrange definitely upon a future composed entirely of acts
+of benevolence, and to examine the working of destiny at large. In such
+a scrutiny I now began to understand that it would perhaps have been
+more harmonious to my love of contemplative repose if I had considered
+the disadvantages closer before venturing into this barbarian region,
+or, at least, if I had used the occasion profitably to advance an
+argument tending towards a somewhat fuller allowance of taels from your
+benevolent sleeve. Our own virtuous and flower-strewn land, it is true,
+does not possess an immunity from every trifling drawback. The Hoang
+Ho--to concede specifically the existence of some of these--frequently
+bursts through its restraining barriers and indiscriminately sweeps
+away all those who are so ill-advised as to dwell within reach of its
+malignant influence. From time to time wars and insurrections are found
+to be necessary, and no matter how morally-intentioned and humanely
+conducted, they necessarily result in the violation, dismemberment or
+extirpation of many thousand polite and dispassionate persons who have
+no concern with either side. Towns are repeatedly consumed by fire,
+districts scourged by leprosy, and provinces swept by famine. The storms
+are admittedly more fatal than elsewhere, the thunderbolts larger, more
+numerous, and all unerringly directed, while the extremities of heat and
+cold render life really uncongenial for the greater part of each year.
+The poor, having no money to secure justice, are evilly used, whereas
+the wealthy, having too much, are assailed legally by the gross
+and powerful for the purpose of extorting their riches. Robbers and
+assassins lurk in every cave; vast hoards of pirates blacken the surface
+of every river; and mandarins of the nine degrees must make a livelihood
+by some means or other. By day, therefore, it is inadvisable to go forth
+and encounter human beings, while none but the shallow-headed would risk
+a meeting with the countless demons and vampires which move by night. To
+one who has spent many moons among these foreign apparitions the absence
+of drains, roads, illustrated message-parchments, maidens whose voices
+may be heard protesting upon ringing a wire, loaves of conflicting
+dimensions, persons who strive to put their faces upon every
+advertisement, pens which emit fountains when carried in the pocket,
+a profusion of make-strong foods, and an Encyclopaedia Mongolia, may
+undoubtedly be mentioned as constituting a material deficiency. Affairs
+are not being altogether reputably conducted during the crisis; it can
+never be quite definitely asserted what the next action of the versatile
+and high-spirited Dowager Empress will be; and here it is freely
+contended that the Pure and Immortal Empire is incapable of remaining
+in one piece for much longer. These, and other inconveniences of a like
+nature, which the fastidious might distort into actual hardships, have
+never been denied, yet at no period of the nine thousand years of our
+civilisation has it been the custom to lure out the unwary, on the plea
+of an agreeable entertainment, and then to abandon him into the society
+of eleven club-bearing adversaries, one of whom may be depicted as in
+the act of imparting an unnecessary polish to the edge of his already
+preternaturally acute weapon, while those of his own band offer no
+protection, and three tiers of very richly-dressed maidens encourage him
+to his fate by refined gestures of approval.
+
+Doubtless this person had unconsciously allowed his inner meditations
+to carry him away, as it may be expressed, for when he emerged from this
+strain of reverie it was to discover himself in the chariot-road and--so
+incongruously may be the actions when the controlling intelligence is
+withdrawn--even proceeding at a somewhat undignified pace in a direction
+immediately opposed to an encounter with the brown locusts. From
+this mortifying position he was happily saved by emerging from these
+thought-dreams before it was too late to return, and, also, if the
+detail is not too insignificant to be related, by the fact that certain
+chosen runners from his own company had reached a point in the road
+before him, and now stood joining their outstretched arms across the
+passage and raising gravity-dispelling cries. Smiling acquiescently,
+therefore, this person returned in their midst, and receiving a new
+weapon, his own club having been absent-mindedly mislaid, he again set
+forth warily to the encounter.
+
+Yet in this he did not altogether neglect a discreet prudence. The
+sympathetic person to whom he was indebted for the pointed allusion had
+specifically declared that they who used their feet with the desperate
+savagery of baffled spectres guarded the nearer limits of their
+position, the intention of his timely hint assuredly being that I should
+seek to approach from the opposite end, where, doubtless, the more
+humane and conciliatory grass-hoppers were assembled. Thus guided I now
+set forth in a widely-circuitous direction, having the point where I
+meant to open an attack clearly before my eyes, yet seeking to deliver
+a more effective onslaught by reaching it to some extent unperceived and
+to this end creeping forward in the protecting shadow of the long grass
+and untrimmed herbage.
+
+Whether the one already referred to had incapably failed to express his
+real meaning, or whether he was tremulous by nature and inordinately
+self-deficient, concerns the narration less than the fact that he had
+admittedly produced a state of things largely in excess of the actual.
+There is no longer any serviceable pretext for maintaining that
+those guarding any point of their position were other than mild and
+benevolent, while the only edged weapon displayed was one courteously
+produced to aid this person’s ineffectual struggles to extricate himself
+when, by some obscure movement, he had most ignobly entangled his
+pigtail about the claws of his sandal.
+
+Ignorant of this, the true state of things, I was still advancing subtly
+when one wearing the emblems of our band appeared from among the brown
+insects and came towards me. “Courage!” I exclaimed in a guarded tone,
+raising my head cautiously and rejoiced to find that I should not be
+alone. “Here is one clad in green bearing succour, who will, moreover,
+obstinately defend his stumps to the last extremity.”
+
+“That’s right,” replied the opportune person agreeably; “we need a few
+like that. But do get up on your hind legs and come along, there’s a
+good fellow. You can play at bears in the nursery when we get back, if
+you want.”
+
+Certainly one can simulate the movements of wild animals in a
+market-garden if the impersonation is thought to be desirable, yet
+the reasonable analogy of the saying is elusive in the extreme, and
+I followed the ally who had thus betrayed my presence with a deep-set
+misgiving although in the absence of a more trustworthy guide, and in
+the suspicion that some point of my every ordinary strategy had been
+inept, I was compelled to mould myself identically into his advice.
+
+Scarcely had he left me, and I was endeavouring to dispel any idea of
+treachery towards those about by actions of graceful courtesy, when
+one--unworthy of burial--standing a score of paces distant, (to whom,
+indeed, this person was at the moment bowing with almost passionate
+vehemence, inspired by the conviction that he, for his part, was
+engaged in a like attention,) suddenly cast a missile--which, somewhat
+double-facedly, he had hitherto held concealed in his closed hand--with
+undeviating force and accuracy. So unexpected was the movement,
+so painfully-impressed the vindictive contact, that I should have
+instinctively seized the offensively-directed object and contemptuously
+hurled it back again, if the consequence of the blow had not deprived
+my mind of all retaliatory ambitions. In this emergency was manifested
+a magnanimous act worthy of the incense of a poem, for a person standing
+immediately by, seeing how this one was balanced in his emotions, picked
+up the missile, and although one of the foremost of the opposing band,
+very obligingly flung it back at the assailant. Even an outcast would
+not have passed this without a suitable tribute, and turning to him,
+I was remarking appreciatively that men were not divided by seas and
+wooden barriers, but by the unchecked and conflicting lusts of the mind,
+when the unclean and weed-nurtured traitor twenty paces distant, taking
+a degraded advantage from this person’s attitude, again propelled his
+weapon with an even more concentrated perfidy than before. At this new
+outrage every brown cricket shrank from the attitude of alert vigour
+which hitherto he had maintained, and as though to disassociate
+themselves from the stain of complicity all crossed over and took up new
+positions.
+
+Up to this point, majestic head, in order to represent the adventure
+in its proper sequence, it has been advisable to present the details as
+they arose before the eyes of a reliable and dispassionate gazer. Now,
+however, it is no less seemly to declare that this barbarian sport
+of leaping insects is not so discreditably shallow as it had at first
+appeared, while in every action there may be found an apt but hidden
+symbol. Thus the presence of the two green locusts in the midst of
+others of a dissimilar nature represents the unending strife by which
+even the most pacific are ever surrounded. The fragile erection of
+sticks (behind which this person at first sought to defend himself
+until led into a more exposed position by one garbed in white,) may be
+regarded as the home and altar, and adequately depicts the hollowness
+of the protection it affords and the necessity of reliantly emerging to
+defy an invader rather than lurking discreditably among its recesses.
+The missile is the equivalent of a precise and immediate danger, the
+wooden club the natural instinct for defence with which all living
+creatures are endowed, so that when the peril is for the time driven
+away the opportunity is at hand for the display of virtuous amusements,
+the exchanging of hospitality, and the beating of professional drums as
+we would say. Thus, at the next attack the one sharing the enterprise
+with me struck the missile so proficiently that its recovery engaged the
+attention of all our adversaries, and then began to exhibit his powers
+by running and leaping towards me. Recognising that the actual moment of
+the display had arrived, this person at once emitted a penetrating cry
+of concentrated challenge, and also began to leap upwards and about,
+and with so much energy that the highly achieved limits of his flight
+surprised even himself.
+
+As for the bystanders, esteemed, those who opposed us, and the members
+of our own band, although this leaping sportiveness is a competition
+more regarded and practised among all orders than the pursuit of
+commercial eminence, or even than the allurements of the sublimest
+Classics, it may be truly imagined that never before had they witnessed
+so remarkable a game cricket. From the pagoda a loud cry of wonder
+acclaimed the dexterity of this person’s efforts; the three tiers of
+maidens climbed one upon another in their anxiety to lose no detail of
+the adventure, and outstanders from distant points began to assemble.
+The brown enemy at once abandoned themselves to a panic, and for the
+most part cast themselves incapably to the ground, rolling from side to
+side in an access of emotion; the two arbiters clad in white conferred
+together, doubtless on the uselessness of further contest, while the
+ally who had summoned me to take a part instead of being encouraged to
+display his agility in a like manner continued to run slavishly from
+point to point, while I overcame the distances in a series of inspired
+bounds.
+
+In the meanwhile the sounds of encouragement from the ever-increasing
+multitude grew like the falling of a sudden coast storm among the ripe
+leaves of a tea-plantation, and with them the voices of many calling
+upon my name and inciting me to further and even higher achievements
+reached my ears. Not to grow small in the eyes of these estimable
+persons I continued in my flight, and abandoning all set movements and
+limits, I began to traverse the field in every direction, becoming more
+proficient with each effort, imparting to myself a sideway and even
+backward motion while yet in the upper spaces, remaining poised for an
+appreciable period, and lightly, yet with graceful ease, avoiding the
+embraces of those who would have detained me. Undoubtedly I could have
+maintained this supremacy until our band might justly have claimed the
+reward, had not the flattering cries of approval caused an indiscreet
+mistake, for the alarm being spread in the village that a conflagration
+of imposing ferocity was raging, an ornamental chariot conveying a band
+of warriors clad in brass armour presently entered into the strife, and
+discovering no fire to occupy their charitable energies they misguidedly
+honoured this offensive person by propelling a solid column of the
+purest and most refreshing water against his ignoble body when at the
+point of his highest flight. This introduction of a thunderbolt into the
+everyday life of an insect must be of questionable authenticity, yet
+not feeling sufficiently instructed in the lesser details of the
+sportiveness to challenge the device, I suffered myself to be led
+towards the pavilion with no more struggling than enough to remove the
+ignominy of an unresisting surrender, pleasantly remarking to those
+who bore me along that to a person of philosophical poise the written
+destiny was as apparent in the falling leaf as in the rising sun,
+pointing the saying thus: “Although the Desert of Shan-tz is boundless,
+and mankind number a million million, yet in it Li-hing encountered his
+mother-in-law.” Changing to meet another of our company setting forth
+with a club to make the venture, I was permitted for a moment to
+engage him; whereupon thrusting into his hand a leather charm against
+ill-directed efforts, and instructing him to bind it about his head, I
+encouraged him with the imperishable watch-word of the Emperor Tsin Su,
+“The stars are indeed small, but their light carries as far as that of
+the full moon.”
+
+At the steps of the pagoda so great was the throng of those who would
+have overwhelmed me with their gracious attention, that had not this
+person’s neck become practically automatic by ceaseless use of late, he
+would have been utterly unequal to the emergency. As it was, he could
+only bestow a superficial hand-wave upon a company of gold-embroidered
+musicians who greeted his return with appropriate melody, and a glance
+of well-indicated regret that he had no fuller means of conveying his
+complicated emotions, in the direction of the uppermost tier of maidens.
+Then the awaiting Sir Philip took him firmly towards the inner part of
+the pavilion, and announced, so adroitly and with such high-spirited
+vigour had this one maintained the conflict, that it had been resolutely
+agreed on all sides not to make a test of his competence any further.
+
+Thereupon a band of very sumptuously arrayed nymphs drew near with
+offerings of liquid fat and a variety of crimson fruit, which it is
+customary to grind together on the platter--unapproachable in the
+result, certainly, yet incredibly elusive to the unwary in the manner of
+bruising, and practically ineradicable upon the more delicate shades
+of silk garment. In such a situation the one who is now relating the
+various incidents of the day may be imagined by a broad-minded and
+affectionate sire: partaking of this native fruit and oil, and from time
+to time expressing his insatiable anguish that he continually fails
+to become more proficient in controlling the oblique movements of the
+viands, while the less successful crickets are constrained to persevere
+in the combat, and the ever-present note of evasive purport is raised
+by a voice from behind a screen exclaiming, “Out afore? That he may have
+been, but do he think we was a-going to give he out afore? No, maaster,
+us doant a-have a circus every day hereabouts.”
+
+Thus may this imagination of competitive locusts be set forth to
+the end. If a fuller proof of what an unostentatious self-effacement
+hesitates to enlarge upon were required, it might be found in the
+barbarian printed leaf, for the next day this person saw a public record
+of the strife, in which his own name was followed by a numerical emblem
+signifying that he had not stumbled or proved incompetent in any one
+particular. Sir Philip, I beheld with pained surprise, had obtusely
+suffered himself to be caught out in the committal of fifty-nine set
+offences.
+
+With a not unnatural anticipation that, as a result of this painstaking
+description, this person will find two well-equipped camps of contending
+locusts in Yuen-ping on his return.
+
+                                     KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XII
+
+
+ Concerning the obvious misunderstanding which has entwined
+ itself about a revered parent’s faculties of passionless
+ discrimination. The all-water disportment and the two, of
+ different sexes, who after regarding me conflictingly from
+ the beginning, ended in a like but inverted manner.
+
+
+Venerated Sire,--Your gem-adorned letter containing a thousand burnished
+words of profuse reproach has entered my diminished soul in the form
+of an equal number of rusty barbs. Can it be that the incapable
+person whom, as you truly say, you sent, “to observe the philosophical
+subtleties of the barbarians, to study their dynastical records and to
+associate liberally with the venerable and dignified,” has, in your
+own unapproachable felicity of ceremonial expression, “according to
+a discreet whisper from many sources, chiefly affected the society of
+tea-house maidens, the immature of both sexes, doubtful characters of
+all classes, and criminals awaiting trial; has evinced an unswerving
+affinity towards light amusement and entertainments of a no-class kind;
+and in place of a wise aloofness, befitting a wearer of the third Gold
+Button and the Horn Belt-clasp, in situations of critical perplexity,
+seems by his own ingenuous showing to have maintained an unparalleled
+aptitude for behaving either with the crystalline simplicity of a
+Kan-su earth-tiller, or the misplaced buffoonery of a seventh-grade
+body-writher taking the least significant part in an ill-equipped Swatow
+one-cash Hall of Varied Melodies.” Assuredly, if your striking and
+well-chosen metaphors were not more unbalanced than the ungainly
+attitude of a one-legged hunchback crossing a raging torrent by means
+of a slippery plank on a stormy night, they would cause the very acutest
+bitterness to the throat of a dutiful and always high-stepping son.
+There is an apt saying, however, “A quarrel between two soldiers in the
+market-place becomes a rebellion in the outskirts,” and when this person
+remembers that many thousand li of mixed elements flow between him and
+his usually correct and dispassionate sire, he is impelled to take a
+mild and tolerant attitude towards the momentary injustice brought about
+by the weakness of approaching old age, the vile-intentioned mendacity
+of outcasts envious of the House of Kong, and, perchance, the irritation
+brought on by a too lavish indulgence in your favourite dish of stewed
+mouse.
+
+Having thus re-established himself in the clear-sighted affection of an
+ever mild and perfect father, and cleansed the ground of all possible
+misunderstandings in the future, this person will concede the fact that,
+not to stand beneath the faintest shadow of an implied blemish in your
+sympathetic eyes, he had no sooner understood the attitude in which he
+had been presented than he at once plunged into the virtuous society of
+a band of the sombre and benevolent.
+
+These, so far as his intelligence enables him to grasp the position,
+may be reasonably accepted as the barbarian equivalent of those very
+high-minded persons who in our land devote their whole lives secretly
+to killing others whom they consider the chief deities do not really
+approve of; for although they are not permitted here, either by written
+law or by accepted custom, to perform these meritorious actions, they
+are so intimately initiated into the minds and councils of the Upper
+Ones that they are able to pronounce very severe judgments of torture--a
+much heavier penalty than merely being assassinated--upon all who remain
+outside their league. As some of the most objurgatory of these alliances
+do not number more than a score of persons, it is inevitable that the
+ultimate condition of the whole barbarian people must be hazardous in
+the extreme.
+
+Having associated myself with this class sufficiently to escape their
+vindictive pronouncements, and freely professed an unswerving adherence
+to their rites, I next sought out the priests of other altars, intending
+by a seemly avowal to each in turn to safeguard my future existence
+effectually. This I soon discovered to be beyond the capacity of an
+ordinary lifetime, for whereas we, with four hundred million subjects
+find three religions to be sufficient to meet every emergency, these
+irresolute island children, although numbering us only as one to ten,
+vacillate among three hundred; and even amid this profusion it is
+asserted that most of the barbarians are unable to find any temple
+exactly conforming to their requirements, and after writing to the paper
+to announce the fact, abandon the search in despair.
+
+It was while I was becoming proficient in the inner subtleties of one
+of these orders--they who drink water on all occasions and wear a
+badge--that a maiden of some authority among them besought my aid for
+the purpose of amusing a band which she was desirous of propitiating
+into the adoption of this badge. It is possible that in the immature
+confidence of former letters this person may already have alluded to
+certain maidens with words of courteous esteem, but it is now necessary
+to admit finally that in the presence of this same Helena they would
+all appear as an uninviting growth of stunted and deformed poppies
+surrounding a luxuriant chrysanthemum. At the presumptuous thought of
+describing her illimitable excellences my fingers become claw-like in
+their confessed inadequacy to hold a sufficiently upright brush; yet
+without undue confidence it may be set down that her hands resembled the
+two wings of a mandarin drake in their symmetrical and changing motion,
+her hair as light and radiant-pointed as the translucent incense cloud
+floating before the golden Buddha of Shan-Si, thin white satin stretched
+tightly upon polished agate only faintly comparable to her jade cheeks,
+while her eyes were more unfathomable than the crystal waters of the
+Keng-kiang, and within their depths her pure and magnanimous thoughts
+could be dimly seen to glide like the gold and silver carp beneath the
+sacred river.
+
+When this insurpassable being approached me with the flattering
+petition already alluded to, my gratified emotions clashed together
+uncontrollably with the internal feeling of many volcanoes in movement,
+and my organs of expression became so entangled at the condescension of
+her melodious voice being directly addressed to one so degraded, that
+for several minutes I was incapable of further acquiescence than that
+conveyed by an adoring silence and an unchanging smile. No formality
+appeared worthy to greet her by, no expression of self-contempt
+sufficiently offensive to convey to her enlightenment my own sense of
+a manifold inferiority, and doubtless I should have remained in a
+transfixed attitude until she had at length turned aside, had not your
+seasonable reference to a Swatow limb-contorter struck me heavily and
+abruptly turned off the source of my agreement. Might not this all-water
+entertainment, it occurred to this one, consist in enticing him to drink
+a potion made unsuspectedly hot, in projecting him backwards into a vat
+of the same liquid, or some similar device for the pleasurable amusement
+of those around, which would come within the boundaries of your refined
+disapproval? As one by himself there was no indignity that this person
+would not cheerfully have submitted to, but the inexorable cords of an
+ingrained filial regard suddenly pulled him sideways and into another
+direction.
+
+“But, Mr. Kong,” exclaimed the bee-lipped maiden, when I had explained
+(as being less involved to her imagination,) that I was under a vow,
+“we have been relying upon you. Could you not”--and here she dropped her
+eyes and picked them up again with a fluttering motion which our lesser
+ones are, to an all-wise end, quite unacquainted with--“could you not
+unvow yourself for one night, just to please ME?”
+
+At these words, the illuminated proficiency of her glance, and her
+honourable resolution to implicate me in the display by head or feet,
+the ever-revered image of a just and obedience-loving father ceased to
+have any further tangible influence. Let it be remembered that there
+is a deep saying, “A virtuous woman will cause more evil than ten river
+pirates.” As for the person who is recording his incompetence, the room
+and all those about began to engulf him in an ever-increasing circular
+motion, his knees vibrated together with unrestrained pliancy, and
+concentrating his voice to indicate by the allegory some faint measure
+of his emotion, he replied passionately, “Let the amusement referred to
+take the form of sitting in a boiling cauldron exposed to the derision
+of all beholders, this one will now enter it wearing yellow silk
+trousers.”
+
+
+It is characteristic of these illogical out-countries that the all-water
+diversion did not, as a matter to record, concern itself with that
+liquid in any detail, beyond the contents of a glass vessel from which a
+venerable person, who occupied a raised chair, continually partook. This
+discriminating individual spoke so confidently of the beneficial action
+of the fluid, and so unswervingly described my own feelings at the
+moment--as of head giddiness, an inexactitude of speech, and no clear
+definition of where the next step would be arrived at--as the common
+lot of all who did not consume regularly, that when that same Helena
+had passed on to speak to another, I left the hall unobserved and drank
+successive portions, in each case, as the night was cold, prudently
+adding a measure of the native rice spirit. His advice had been
+well-directed, for with the fourth portion I suddenly found all
+doubtful and oppressive visions withdrawn, and a new and exhilarating
+self-confidence raised in their place. In this agreeable temper I
+returned to the place of meeting to find a priest of one of the lesser
+orders relating a circumstance whereby he had encountered a wild maiden
+in the woods, who had steadfastly persisted that she was one of a
+band of seven (this being the luckiest protective number among the
+superstitious). Though unable to cause their appearance, she had gone
+through a most precise examination at his hands without deviating in the
+slightest particular, whereupon distrusting the outcome of the strife,
+the person who was relating the adventure had withdrawn breathless.
+
+When this versatile lesser priest had finished the narration, and
+the applause, which clearly showed that those present approved of the
+solitary maiden’s discreet stratagem, had ceased, the one who occupied
+the central platform, rising, exclaimed loudly, “Mr. Kong will next
+favour us with a contribution, which will consist, I am informed, of a
+Chinese tale.”
+
+Now there chanced to be present a certain one who had already become
+offensive to me by the systematic dexterity with which he had planted
+his inopportune shadow between the sublime-souled Helena and any other
+who made a movement to approach her heaven-dowered outline. When this
+presumptuous and ill-nurtured outcast, who was, indeed, then seated
+by the side of the enchanting maiden last referred to, heard the
+announcement he said in a voice feigned to reach her peach-skin ear
+alone, yet intentionally so modulated as to penetrate the furthest limit
+of the room, “A Chinese tale! Why, assuredly, that must be a pig-tail.”
+ At this unseemly shaft many of those present allowed themselves to
+become immoderately amused, and even the goat-like sage who had
+called upon my name concealed his face behind an open hand, but the
+amiably-disposed Helena, after looking at the undiscriminating youth
+coldly for a moment, deliberately rose and moved to a vacant spot at a
+distance. Encouraged by this fragrant act of sympathy I replied with a
+polite bow to indicate the position, “On the contrary, the story which
+it is now my presumptuous intention to relate will contain no reference
+whatever to the carefully-got-up one occupying two empty seats in the
+front row,” and without further introduction began the history of Kao
+and his three brothers, to which I had added the title, “The Three
+Gifts.”
+
+At the conclusion of this classical example of the snares ever lying
+around the footsteps of the impious, I perceived that the jocular
+stripling, whom I had so delicately reproved, was no longer present.
+Doubtless he had been unable to remain in the same room with the
+commanding Helena’s high-spirited indignation, and anticipating that in
+consequence there would now be no obstacle to her full-faced benignity,
+I drew near with an appropriate smile.
+
+It is somewhere officially recorded, “There is only one man who knew
+with accurate certainty what a maiden’s next attitude would be, and he
+died young of surprise.” As I approached I had the sensation of passing
+into so severe an atmosphere of rigid disfavour, that the ingratiating
+lines upon my face became frozen in its intensity, despite the ineptness
+of their expression. Unable to penetrate the cause of my offence, I
+made a variety of agreeable remarks, until finding that nothing tended
+towards a becoming reconciliation, I gradually withdrew in despair, and
+again turned my face in the direction of that same accommodation which I
+had already found beneath the sign of an Encompassed Goat. Here, by the
+sarcasm of destiny, I encountered the person who had drawn the slighting
+analogy between this one’s pig-tail and his ability as a story-teller.
+For a brief space of time the ultimate development of the venture
+was doubtfully poised, but recognising in each other’s features the
+overhanging cloud of an allied pang, the one before me expressed a
+becoming contrition for the jest, together with a proffered cup. Not to
+appear out-classed I replied in a suitable vein, involving the supply
+of more vessels; whereupon there succeeded many more vessels, called for
+both singly and in harmonious unison, and the reappearance of numerous
+bright images, accompanied by a universal scintillation of meteor-like
+iridescence. In this genial and greatly-enlarged spirit we returned
+affably together to the hall, and entered unperceived at the moment when
+the one who made the announcements was crying aloud, “According to the
+programme the next item should have been a Chinese poem, but as Mr. Kong
+Ho appears to have left the building, we shall pass him over--”
+
+“What Ho?” exclaimed the somewhat impetuous one by my side, stepping
+forward indignantly and mounting the platform in his affectionate zeal.
+“No one shall pass over my old and valued friend--this Ho--while I have
+a paw to raise. Step forward, Mandarin, and let them behold the inventor
+and sole user of the justly far-famed G. R. Ko-Ho hair restorer--sent in
+five guinea bottles to any address on receipt of four penny stamps--as
+he appeared in his celebrated impersonation of the human-faced Swan at
+Doll and Edgar’s. Come on, oh, Ho!”
+
+“Assuredly,” I replied, striving to follow him, “yet with the wary
+greeting, ‘Slowly, slowly; walk slowly,’ engraved upon my mind, for the
+barrier of these convoluted stairs--” but at this word a band of maidens
+passed out hastily, and in the tumult I reached the dais and began
+Weng Chi’s immortal verses, entitled “The Meandering Flight,” which had
+occupied me three complete days and nights in the detail of rendering
+the allusions into well-balanced similitudes and at the same time
+preserving the skilful evasion of all conventional rules which raises
+the original to so sublime a height.
+
+   The voice of one singing at the dawn;
+   The seven harmonious colours in the sky;
+   The meeting by the fountain;
+   The exchange of gifts, and the sound of the processional drum;
+   The emotion of satisfaction in each created being;
+   This is the all-prominent indication of the Spring.
+   
+   The general disinclination to engage in laborious tasks;
+   The general readiness to consume voluminous potions on any pretext.
+   The deserted appearance of the city and the absence of the come-in motion at every door;
+   The sportiveness of maidens, and even those of maturer age, ethereally clad, upon the shore.
+   The avowed willingness of merchants to dispose of their wares for half the original sum.
+   This undoubtedly is the Summer.
+   
+   The yellow tea leaf circling as it falls;
+   The futile wheeling of the storm-tossed swan;
+   The note of the marble lute at evening by the pool;
+   The immobile cypress seen against the sun.
+   The unnecessarily difficult examination paper.
+   All these things are suggestive of the Autumn.
+   
+   The growing attraction of a well-lined couch.
+   The obsequious demeanour of message-bearers, charioteers, and the club-armed keepers of peace.
+   The explosion of innumerable fire-crackers round the convivial shrines,
+   The gathering together of relations who at all other times shun each other markedly.
+   The obtrusive recollection of a great many things contrary to a spoken vow, and the inflexible purpose to be more resolute in future.
+   These in turn invariably attend each Winter.
+
+It certainly had not presented itself to me before that the words
+“invariably attend” are ill-chosen, but as I would have uttered them
+their inelegance became plain, and this person made eight conscientious
+attempts to soften down their harsh modulation by various interchanges.
+He was still persevering hopefully when he of chief authority approached
+and requested that the one who was thus employed and that same other
+would leave the hall tranquilly, as the all-water entertainment was
+at an end, and an attending slave was in readiness to extinguish the
+lanterns.
+
+“Yet,” I protested unassumingly, “that which has so far been expressed
+is only in the semblance of an introductory ode. There follow--”
+
+“You must not argue with the Chair,” exclaimed another interposing his
+voice. “Whatever the Chair rules must be accepted.”
+
+“The innuendo is flat-witted,” I replied with imperturbable dignity, but
+still retaining my hold upon the rail. “When this person so far loses
+his sense of proportion as to contend with an irrational object, devoid
+of faculties, let the barb be cast. After that introduction dealing with
+the four seasons, the twelve gong-strokes of the day are reviewed in a
+like fashion. These in turn give place to the days of the month, then
+the moons of the year, and finally the years of the cycle.”
+
+“That’s fair,” exclaimed the perverse though well-meaning youth, whom I
+was beginning to recognise as the cause of some misunderstanding among
+us. “If you don’t want any more of his poem--and I don’t blame you--my
+pal Ho, who is one of the popular Flip-Flap Troupe, offers to do some
+trick cycle-riding on his ears. What more can you expect?”
+
+“We expect a policeman very soon,” replied another severely. “He has
+already been sent for.”
+
+“In that case,” said the one who had so persistently claimed me as
+an ally, “perhaps I can do you a service by directing him here”; and
+leaving this person to extricate himself by means of a reassuring
+silence and some of the larger silver pieces of the Island, he vanished
+hastily.
+
+With some doubt whether or not this deviation into the society of the
+professedly virtuous, ending as it admittedly does in an involvement,
+may not be deemed ill-starred; yet hopeful.
+
+                                     KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+ THE THREE GIFTS
+
+
+ Related by Kong Ho on the occasion of the all-water
+ disportment, under the circumstances previously set forth.
+
+BEYOND the limits of the township of Yang-chow there dwelt a rich
+astrologer named Wei. Reading by his skilful interpretation of the
+planets that he would shortly Pass Above, he called his sons Chu, Shan,
+and Hing to his side and distributed his wealth impartially among them.
+To Chu he gave his house containing a gold couch; to Shan a river with
+a boat; to Hing a field in which grew a prolific orange-tree. “Thus
+provided for,” he continued, “you will be able to live together in
+comfort, the resources of each supplying the wants of the others in
+addition to his own requirements. Therefore when I have departed let it
+be your first care to sacrifice everything else I leave, so that I also,
+in the Upper Air, may not be left destitute.”
+
+Now in addition to these three sons Wei also had another, the youngest,
+but one of so docile, respectful, and self-effacing a disposition that
+he was frequently overlooked to the advantage of his subtle, ambitious,
+and ingratiating brothers. This youth, Kao, thinking that the occasion
+certainly called for a momentary relaxation of his usual diffidence,
+now approached his father modestly, and begged that he also might be
+included to some trivial degree in his bounty.
+
+This reasonable petition involved Wei in an embarrassing perplexity.
+Although he had forgotten Kao completely in the division, he had now
+definitely concluded the arrangement; nor, to his failing powers, did it
+appear possible to make a just allotment on any other lines. “How can a
+person profitably cut up an orange-tree, a boat, an inlaid couch, or
+a house?” he demanded. “Who can divide a flowing river, or what but
+unending strife can arise from regarding an open field in anything
+but its entirety? Assuredly six cohesive objects cannot be apportioned
+between four persons.” Yet he could not evade the justice of Kao’s
+implied rebuke, so drawing to his side a jade cabinet he opened it, and
+from among the contents he selected an ebony staff, a paper umbrella,
+and a fan inscribed with a mystical sentence. These three objects he
+placed in Kao’s hands, and with his last breath signified that he should
+use them discreetly as the necessity arose.
+
+When the funeral ceremonies were over, Chu, Shan, and Hing came
+together, and soon moulded their covetous thoughts into an agreed
+conspiracy. “Of what avail would be a boat or a river if this person
+sacrificed the nets and appliances by which the fish are ensnared?”
+ asked Shan. “How little profit would lie in an orange-tree and a field
+without cattle and the implements of husbandry!” cried Hing. “One cannot
+occupy a gold couch in an empty house both by day and night,” remarked
+Chu stubbornly. “How inadequate, therefore, would such a provision be
+for three.”
+
+When Kao understood that his three brothers had resolved to act in this
+outrageous manner he did not hesitate to reproach them; but not being
+able to contend against him honourably, they met him with ridicule.
+“Do not attempt to rule us with your wooden staff,” they cried
+contemptuously. “Sacrifice IT if your inside is really sincere. And,
+in the meanwhile, go and sit under your paper umbrella and wield
+your inscribed fan, while we attend to our couch, our boat, and our
+orange-tree.”
+
+“Truly,” thought Kao to himself when they had departed, “their words
+were irrationally offensive, but among them there may stand out a
+pointed edge. Our magnanimous father is now bereft of both comforts
+and necessities, and although an ebony rod is certainly not much in the
+circumstances, if this person is really humanely-intentioned he will not
+withhold it.” With this charitable design Kao build a fire before the
+couch (being desirous, out of his forgiving nature, to associate his
+eldest brother in the offering), and without hesitation sacrificed the
+most substantial of his three possessions.
+
+It here becomes necessary to explain that in addition to being an expert
+astrologer, Wei was a far-seeing magician. The rod of unimpressionable
+solidity was in reality a charm against decay, and its hidden virtues
+being thus destroyed, a contrary state of things naturally arose, so
+that the next morning it was found that during the night the gold couch
+had crumbled away into a worthless dust.
+
+Even this manifestation did not move the three brothers, although the
+geniality of Shan and Hing’s countenances froze somewhat towards Chu.
+Nevertheless Chu still possessed a house, and by pointing out that they
+could live as luxuriantly as before on the resources of the river and
+the field and the tree, he succeeded in maintaining his position among
+them.
+
+After seven days Kao reflected again. “This avaricious person still has
+two objects, both of which he owes to his revered father’s imperishable
+influence,” he admitted conscience-stricken, “while the being in
+question has only one.” Without delay he took the paper umbrella and
+ceremoniously burned it, scattering the ashes this time upon Shan’s
+river. Like the rod the umbrella also possessed secret virtues, its
+particular excellence being a curse against clouds, wind demons,
+thunderbolts and the like, so that during the night a great storm raged,
+and by the morning Shan’s boat had been washed away.
+
+This new calamity found the three brothers more obstinately perverse
+than ever. It cannot be denied that Hing would have withdrawn from the
+guilty confederacy, but they were as two to one, and prevailed, pointing
+out that the house still afforded shelter, the river yielded some of the
+simpler and inferior fish which could be captured from the banks, and
+the fruitfulness of the orange-tree was undiminished.
+
+At the end of seven more days Kao became afflicted with doubt. “There is
+no such thing as a fixed proportion or a set reckoning between a dutiful
+son and an embarrassed sire,” he confessed penitently. “How incredibly
+profane has been this person’s behaviour in not seeing the obligation in
+its unswerving necessity before.” With this scrupulous resolve Kao took
+his last possession, and carrying it into the field he consumed it
+with fire beneath Hing’s orange-tree. The fan, in turn, also had hidden
+properties, its written sentence being a spell against drought, hot
+winds, and the demons which suck the nourishment from all crops. In
+consequence of the act these forces were called into action, and before
+another day Hing’s tree had withered away.
+
+It is said with reason, “During the earthquake men speak the truth.” At
+this last disaster the impious fortitude of the three brothers suddenly
+gave way, and cheerfully admitting their mistake, each committed
+suicide, Chu disembowelling himself among the ashes of his couch, Shan
+sinking beneath the waters of his river, and Hing hanging by a rope
+among the branches of his own effete orange-tree.
+
+When they had thus fittingly atoned for their faults the imprecation was
+lifted from off their possessions. The couch was restored by magic
+art to its former condition, the boat was returned by a justice-loving
+person into whose hands it had fallen lower down the river, and
+the orange-tree put out new branches. Kao therefore passed into an
+undiminished inheritance. He married three wives, to commemorate the
+number of his brothers, and had three sons, whom he called Chu, Shan,
+and Hing, for a like purpose. These three all attained to high office in
+the State, and by their enlightened morals succeeded in wiping all the
+discreditable references to others bearing the same names from off the
+domestic tablets.
+
+From this story it will be seen that by acting virtuously, yet with an
+observing discretion, on all occasions, it is generally possible not
+only to rise to an assured position, but at the same time unsuspectedly
+to involve those who stand in our way in a just destruction.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XIII
+
+
+ Concerning a state of necessity; the arisings engendered
+ thereby, and the turned-away face of those ruling the
+ literary quarter of the city towards one possessing a style.
+ This foreign manner of feigning representations, and
+ concerning my dignified portrayal of two.
+
+
+Venerated Sire,--It is now more than three thousand years ago that the
+sublime moralist Tcheng How, on being condemned by a resentful official
+to a lengthy imprisonment in a very inadequate oil jar, imperturbably
+replied, “As the snail fits his impliant shell, so can the wise adapt
+themselves to any necessity,” and at once coiled himself up in the
+restricted space with unsuspected agility. In times of adversity this
+incomparable reply has often shone as a steadfast lantern before my
+feet, but recently it struck my senses with a heavier force, for
+upon presenting myself on the last occasion at the place of exchange
+frequented by those who hitherto have carried out your spoken promise
+with obliging exactitude, and at certain stated intervals freely granted
+to this person a sufficiency of pieces of gold, merely requiring
+in return an inscribed and signet-bearing record of the fact, I was
+received with no diminution of sympathetic urbanity, indeed, but with
+hands quite devoid of outstretched fulness.
+
+In a small inner chamber, to which I was led upon uttering courteous
+protests, one of solitary authority explained how the deficiency had
+arisen, but owing to the skill with which he entwined the most intricate
+terms in unbroken fluency, the only impression left upon my superficial
+mind was, that the person before me was imputing the scheme for
+my despoilment less to any mercenary instinct on the part of his
+confederates, than to a want of timely precision maintained by one who
+seemed to bear an agreeable-sounding name somewhat similar to your own,
+and who, from the difficulty of reaching his immediate ear, might be
+regarded as dwelling in a distant land. Encouraged by this conciliatory
+profession (and seeing no likelihood of gaining my end otherwise), I
+thereupon declared my willingness that the difference lying between us
+should be submitted to the pronouncement of dispassionate omens, either
+passing birds, flat and round sticks, the seeds of two oranges, wood and
+fire, water poured out upon the ground or any equally reliable sign as
+he himself might decide. However, in spite of his honourable assurances,
+he was doubtless more deeply implicated in the adventure than he
+would admit, for at this scrupulous proposal the benignant mask of his
+expression receded abruptly, and, striking a hidden bell, he waved his
+hands and stood up to signify that further justice was denied me.
+
+In this manner a state of destitution calling for the fullest acceptance
+of Tcheng How’s impassive philosophy was created, nor had many
+hours faded before the first insidious temptation to depart from his
+uncompromising acquiescence presented itself.
+
+At that time there was no one in whom I reposed a larger-sized piece
+of confidence (in no way involving sums of money,) than one officially
+styled William Beveledge Greyson, although, profiting by our own custom,
+it is unusual for those really intimate with his society to address him
+fully, unless the occasion should be one of marked ceremony. Forming a
+resolution, I now approached this obliging person, and revealing to him
+the cause of the emergency, I prayed that he would advise me, as one
+abandoned on a strange Island, by what handicraft or exercise of skill I
+might the readiest secure for the time a frugal competence.
+
+“Why, look here, aged man,” at once replied the lavish William Greyson,
+“don’t worry yourself about that. I can easily let you have a few pounds
+to tide you over. You will probably hear from the bank in the course
+of a few days or weeks, and it’s hardly worth while doing anything
+eccentric in the meantime.”
+
+At this delicately-worded proposal I was about to shake hands with
+myself in agreement, when the memory of Tcheng How’s resolute submission
+again possessed me, and seeing that this would be an unworthy betrayal
+of destiny I turned aside the action, and replying evasively that the
+world was too small to hold himself and another equally magnanimous, I
+again sought his advice.
+
+“Now what silly upside-down idea is it that you’ve got into that Chinese
+puzzle you call your head, Kong?” he replied; for this same William was
+one who habitually gilded unpalatable truths into the semblance of
+a flattering jest. “Whenever you turn off what you are saying into
+a willow-pattern compliment and bow seventeen times like an animated
+mandarin, I know that you are keeping something back. Be a man and
+a brother, and out with it,” and he struck me heavily upon the left
+shoulder, which among the barbarians is a proof of cordiality to be
+esteemed much above the mere wagging of each other’s hands.
+
+“In the matter of guidance,” I replied, “this person is ready to sit
+unreservedly on your well-polished feet. But touching the borrowing of
+money, obligations to restore with an added sum after a certain period,
+initial-bearing papers of doubtful import, and the like, I have read too
+deeply the pointed records of your own printed sheets not to prefer
+an existence devoted to the scraping together of dust at the street
+corners, rather than a momentary affluence which in the end would betray
+me into the tiger-like voracity of a native money-lender.”
+
+“Well, you do me proud, Kong,” said William Beveledge, after regarding
+me fixedly for a moment. “If I didn’t remember that you are a
+flat-faced, slant-eyed, top-side-under, pig-tailed old heathen, I should
+be really annoyed at your unwarrantable personalities. Do you take ME
+for what you call a ‘native money-lender’?”
+
+“The pronouncements of destiny are written in iron,” I replied
+inoffensively, “and it is as truly said that one fated to end his life
+in a cave cannot live for ever on the top of a pagoda. Undoubtedly as
+one born and residing here you are native, and as inexorably it succeeds
+that if you lend me pieces of gold you become a money-lender. Therefore,
+though honourably inspired at the first, you would equally be drawn into
+the entanglement of circumstance, and the unevadible end must inevitably
+be that against which your printed papers consistently warn one.”
+
+“And what is that?” asked Beveledge Greyson, still regarding me closely,
+as though I were a creature of another part.
+
+“At first,” I replied, “there would be an alluring snare of graceful
+words, tea, and the consuming of paper-rolled herbs, and the matter
+would be lightly spoken of as capable of an easy adjustment; which,
+indeed, it cannot be denied, is how the detail stands at present. The
+next position would be that this person, finding himself unable to
+gather together the equivalent of return within the stated time, would
+greet you with a very supple neck and pray for a further extension,
+which would be permitted on the understanding that in the event of
+failure his garments and personal charms should be held in bondage. To
+escape so humiliating a necessity, as the time drew near I would address
+myself to another, one calling himself William, perchance, and dwelling
+in a northern province, to whom I would be compelled to assign my
+peach-orchard at Yuen-ping. Then by varying degrees of infamy I would
+in turn be driven to visit a certain Bevel of the Middle Lands, a person
+Edge carrying on his insatiable traffic on the southern coast, one Grey
+elsewhere, and a Mr. Son, of the west, who might make an honourable
+profession of lending money without any security whatever, but who in
+the end would possess himself of my ancestral tablets, wives, and inlaid
+coffin, and probably also obtain a lien upon my services and prosperity
+in the Upper Air. Then, when I had parted from all comfort in this
+life, and every hope of affluence in the Beyond, it would presently
+be disclosed that all these were in reality as one person who had
+unceasingly plotted to my destruction, and William Beveledge Greyson
+would stand revealed in the guise of a malevolent vampire. Truly that
+development has at this moment an appearance of unreality, and worthy
+even of pooh-pooh, but thus is the warning spread by your own printed
+papers and the records of your Halls of Justice, and it would be an
+unseemly presumption for one of my immature experience to ignore the
+outstretched and warning finger of authority.”
+
+“Well, Kong,” he said at length, after considering my words attentively,
+“I always thought that your mental outlook was a hash of Black Art,
+paper lanterns, blank verse, twilight, and delirium tremens, but hang me
+if you aren’t sound on finance, and I only wish that you’d get some of
+my friends to look at the matter of borrowing in your own reasonable,
+broad-minded light. The question is, what next?”
+
+I replied that I leaned heavily against his sagacious insight, adding,
+however, that even among a nation of barbarians one who could repeat
+the three hundred and eleven poems comprising the Book of Odes from
+beginning to end, and claim the degree “Assured Genius” would ever be
+certain of a place.
+
+“Yes,” replied William Greyson,--“in the workhouse. Put your degree in
+your inside pocket, Kong, and don’t mention it. You’ll have far more
+chance as a distressed mariner. The casual wards are full of B.A.’s,
+but the navy can’t get enough A.B.’s at any price. What do you say to
+an organ, by the way? Mysterious musicians generally go down well, and
+I dare say there’s room for a change from veiled ladies, persecuted
+captains and indigent earls. You ought to make a sensation.”
+
+“Is it in the nature of melodious sounds upon winding a handle?” I
+asked, not at the moment grasping with certainty to what organ he
+referred.
+
+“Well, some call them that,” he admitted, “others don’t. I suppose, now,
+you wouldn’t care to walk to Brighton with your feet tied together,
+or your hair in curl papers, and then get on at a music hall? Or would
+there be any chance of your Legation kidnapping you if it was properly
+worked? ‘Kong Ho, the great Chinese Reformer, tells the Story of his
+Life,’--there ought to be money in it. Are you a reformer or the leader
+of a secret society, Kong?”
+
+“On the contrary,” I replied, “we of our Line have ever been unflinching
+in our loyalty to the dynasty of Tsing.”
+
+“You ought to have known better, then. It’s a poor business being that
+in your country nowadays. Pity there are no bye-elections on the African
+Labour Question, or you’d be snapped up for a procession.”
+
+To this I replied that although the idea of moving in a processional
+triumph would readily ensnare the minds of the light and fantastic, I
+should prefer some more literary occupation, submissively adding that in
+such a case I would not stiffen my joints against the most menial lot,
+even that of blending my voice in a laudatory chorus, or of carrying
+official pronouncements about the walls of the city, for it is said with
+justice, “The starving man does not peel his melon, nor do the parched
+first wipe round the edges of the proffered cup.”
+
+“If you’ve set your mind on something literary,” said Beveledge
+confidently, “you have every chance of finishing up in a chorus or
+carrying printed placards about the streets, certainly. When it comes
+to that, look me up in Eastcheap.” With this encouraging assurance of
+my ultimate success he left me, and rejoicing that I had not fallen into
+the snare of opposing a written destiny, I sought the literary quarters
+of the city.
+
+
+When this person has been able to write of any custom or facet of
+existence here in a strain of conscientious esteem, he has not hesitated
+to dip his brush deeply into the inkpot. Reverting backwards, this
+barbarian enactment of not permitting those who from any cause have
+decided upon spending the night in a philosophical abstraction to repose
+upon the public seats about the swards and open spaces is not conceived
+in a mood of affable toleration. Nevertheless there are deserted places
+beyond the furthest limits of the city where a more amiable full-face
+is shown. On the eleventh day of this one’s determination to sustain
+himself by the exercise of his literary style, he was journeying about
+sunset towards one of these spots, subduing the grosser instincts of
+mankind by reviewing the wisdom of the sublime Lao Ch’un, who decided
+that heat and cold, pain and fatigue, and mental distress, have no real
+existence, and are therefore amenable to logical disproof, while the
+cravings of hunger and thirst are merely the superfluous attributes of
+a former and lower state of existence, when a passer-by, who for some
+distance had been alternately advancing before and remaining behind,
+matched his footsteps into mine.
+
+“Whichee way walk-go, John, eh?” said this unfortunate being, who
+appeared to be suffering from a laborious deformity of speech. “Allee
+samee load me. Chin-chin.”
+
+Filled with compassion for one who evidently found himself alone in a
+strange land, in the absence of his more highly-accomplished companion,
+unable to indicate his wants and requirements to those about him, I
+regretfully admitted that I had not chanced to encounter that John
+whose wandering footsteps he sought; and to indicate, by not leaving him
+abruptly, that I maintained a sympathetic concern over his welfare, I
+pointed out to him the exceptional brilliance of the approaching night,
+adding that I myself was then directing a course towards a certain
+spacious Heath, a few li distant in the north.
+
+“Sing-dance tomollow, then?” he said, with a condensed air of general
+disappointment. “Chop-chop in a pay look-see show on Ham--Hamstl--oh
+damme! on ‘Ampstead ‘Eath? Booked up, eh, John?”
+
+Gradually convinced that it was becoming necessary to readjust the
+significance of the incident, I replied that I had no intention of
+partaking of chops or food of any variety in an erected tent, but merely
+of passing the night in an intellectual seclusion.
+
+“Oh,” said the one who was walking by my side, regarding my garments
+with engaging attention, and at the same time appearing to regain an
+unruffled speech as though the other had been an assumed device, “I
+understand--the Blue Sky Hotel. Well, I’ve stayed there once or twice
+myself. A bit down on your uppers, eh?”
+
+“Assuredly this person may perchance lay his upper parts down for a
+short space of time,” I admitted, when I had traced out the symbolism of
+the words. “As it is humanely written in The Books, ‘Sleep and suicide
+are the free refuges equally of the innocent and the guilty.’”
+
+“Oh, come now, don’t,” exclaimed the energetic person, striking himself
+together by means of his two hands. “It’s sinful to talk about suicide
+the day before bank holiday. Why, my only Somali warrior has vamoosed
+with his full make-up, and the Magnetic Girl too, and I never thought of
+suicide--only whether to turn my old woman into a Veiled Beauty of the
+Harem or a Hairy Lama from Tibet.”
+
+Not absolutely grasping the emergency, yet in a spirit of inoffensive
+cordiality I remarked that the alternative was insufferably perplexing,
+while he continued.
+
+“Then I spotted you, and in a flash I got an idea that ought to take and
+turn out really great if you’ll come in. Now follow this: Missionary’s
+tent in the wilds of Pekin. Domestic interior by lamp-light. Missionary
+(me) reading evening paper; missionary’s wife (the missus) making tea,
+and between times singing to keep the small pet goat quiet (small goat,
+a pillow, horsecloth, and pocket-handkerchief). Breaks down singing,
+sobs, and says she feels a strange all-over presentiment. Missionary
+admits being a bit fluffed himself, and lets out about a notice signed
+in blood that he’s seen in the city.”
+
+“Carried upon a pole?” this person demanded, feeling that something of a
+literary nature might yet be wrested into the incident.
+
+“On a flagstaff if you like,” conceded the other one magnanimously. “A
+notice to the effect that it is the duty of every jack mother’s son of
+them to douse the foreign devils, man, woman, and child, and especially
+the talk-book pass-hat-round men. Also that he has had several
+brick-ends heaved at him on his way back. Then stops suddenly, hits
+his upper crust, and says that it’s like his blamed fat-headedness
+to frighten her; while she clutches at herself three times and faints
+away.”
+
+“Amid the voluminous burning of blue lights?” suggested this person
+resourcefully.
+
+“By rights there should be,” admitted the one who was devising the
+representation; “but it will hardly run to it. Anyway, it costs nothing
+to turn the lamp down--saves a bit in fact, and gives an effect. Then
+outside, in the distance at first you understand, you begin to work up
+the sound of the advancing mob--rattles, shouts, tum-tums, groans, tin
+plates and all that one mortal man can do with hands, feet and mouth.”
+
+“With the interspersal of an occasional cracker and the stirring notes
+produced by striking a hollow wooden fish repeatedly?” I cried; for let
+it be confessed that amid the portrayal of the scene my imagination had
+taken an allotted part.
+
+“If you like to provide them, and don’t set the bally show on fire,” he
+replied. “Anyhow, these two aren’t supposed to notice anything even when
+the row gets louder. Then it drops and you are heard outside talking in
+whispers to the others--words of command and telling them to keep back
+half-a-mo, and so on. See?”
+
+“Doubtless introducing a spoken charm and repeating the words of an
+incantation against omens, treachery, and other matters.”
+
+“Next a flap of the tent down on the floor is raised, and you
+reconnoitre, looking your very worst and holding a knife between your
+teeth and another in each hand. Wave a hand to your followers to keep
+back--or come on: it makes no difference. Then you crawl in on your
+stomach, give a terrific howl, and stab me in the back. That rolls
+me under the curtain, and so lets me out. The missus ups with the
+wood-chopper and stands before the cradle, while you yell and dance
+round with the knives. That ought to be made ‘the moment’ of the whole
+piece. The great thing is to make enough noise. If you can yell louder
+than the talking-machine outfit on the next pitch we ought to turn money
+away. While you are at it I start a fresh row outside--shouts, cheers,
+groans, words of command and a paper bag or two. Seeing that the game
+is up you make a rush at the old woman; she downs you with the chopper,
+turns the lamp up full, shakes out a Union Jack over the sleeping
+infant, and finally stands in her finest attitude with one hand pointing
+impressively upwards and the other contemptuously downwards just as Rule
+Britannia is played on the cornet outside and I appear at the door in a
+general’s full uniform and let down the curtain.”
+
+For acting in the manner designated--as touching the noises both inside
+and out, the set dance with upraised knives, the casting to earth of
+himself, and being myself in turn vanquished by the aged female, with
+an added compact that from time to time I should be led by a chain
+and shown to the people from a raised platform--we agreed upon a daily
+reward of two pieces of silver, an adequacy of food, and a certain
+ambiguously-referred-to share of the gain. It need not be denied that
+with so favourable an opportunity of introducing passages from the
+Classics a much less sum would have been accepted, but having obtained
+this without a struggle, the one now recounting the facts raised the
+opportune suggestion of an inscribed placard, in order to fulfil the
+portent foreshadowed by William Greyson.
+
+“Oh, we’ll star you, never fear,” assented the accommodating personage,
+and having by this time reached that spot upon the Heath where his
+Domestic Altar had been raised, we entered.
+
+“All the most distinguished actors in this country take another
+name,” he said reflectively, when he had drawn forth a parchment of
+praiseworthy dimensions and ink of three colours, “and though I have
+nothing to say against Kong Ho Tsin Cheng Quank Paik T’chun Li Yuen
+Nung for quiet unostentatious dignity, it doesn’t have just the grip
+and shudder that we want. Now how does ‘Fang’ strike you?” and upon my
+courteous acquiescence that this indeed united within it those qualities
+which he required, he traced its characters in red ink upon a lavish
+scale.
+
+“‘Fang Hung Sin’ about fits the idea of snap and bloodthirstiness, I
+should say,” he continued, and using the brush and all the colours
+with an expert proficiency which would infallibly gain him an early
+recognition at any of our competitive examinations, he presently laid
+before me the following gracefully-composed notice, which was suspended
+from a conspicuous pole about the door of the tent on the following day.
+
+ FANG HUNG SIN
+ The Captured Boxer Chieftain.
+
+ Under a strong guard, and by arrangement with the British and
+ Chinese authorities concerned,
+
+ FANG HUNG SIN
+
+ Will positively reënact the GORY SCENES of CARNAGE in which
+ he took a LEADING and SANGUINARY PART during the LATE RISING.
+
+ ALONE IN PEKIN
+ Or, What a Woman can do.
+
+ PANEL I. PEACE: The Missionary’s Tent by Night--All’s Well--
+ The Dread Warning--“I am by your side, Beloved.”
+
+ PANEL II. ALARM: The Signal--The Spy--The Mob Outside--
+ Treachery--“Save Yourself, my Darling”--“And Leave
+ You? Never!”
+
+ PANEL III. REVENGE: The Attack--The Blow Falls--Who Can Save
+ Her Now?--“Back, Renegade Viper!”--The English Guns
+ --“Rule Britannia!”
+
+ FANG HUNG SIN, The Desperado.
+ There is only one FANG, and he must be seen.
+ FANG! FANG!! FANG!!!
+
+I will not upon this occasion, esteemed one, delay myself with an
+account of this barbarian Festival of Lanterns; or, as their language
+would convey it, Feast of Cocoa-nuts, beyond admitting that with
+the possible exception of an important provincial capital during the
+triennial examinations I doubt whether our own unapproachable Empire
+could show a more impressively-extended gathering, either in the diverse
+and ornamental efflorescence of head garb, in the affectionate display
+openly lavished by persons of one sex towards those of the other, or
+even one more successful in our own pre-eminent art of producing the
+multitudinous harmony of conflicting sounds.
+
+At the appointed hour this person submitted himself to be heavily
+shackled, and being led out before the assembled crowd, endeavoured by
+a smiling benignity of manner and by reassuring signs of welcome, to
+produce a favourable impression upon their sympathies and to allure
+them within. This pacific face was undoubtedly successful, however
+offensively the ill-conditioned one who stood by was inspired to express
+himself behind his teeth, for the space of the tent was very quickly
+occupied and the actions of simulation were to begin.
+
+Without doubt it might have been better if this person had first made
+himself more fully acquainted with the barbarian manner of acting. The
+fact that this imagined play, which even in one of our inferior theatres
+would have filled the time pleasantly for two or three months, was to
+be compressed into the narrow limits of seven minutes and a half, should
+reasonably have warned him that amid the ensuing rapidity of word and
+action, most of the leisurely courtesies and all the subtle range of
+concealed emotion which embellish our own wood pavement must be ignored.
+But it is well and suggestively written, “The person who deliberates
+sufficiently before taking every step will spend his life standing
+upon one leg.” In the past this one had not found himself to be grossly
+inadequate on any arising emergency, and he now drew aside the hanging
+drapery and prepared to carry out a preconcerted part with intrepid
+self-reliance.
+
+It has already been expressed, that the reason and incentive urging me
+to a ready agreement lay in the opportunities by which suitable passages
+from the high Classics could be discreetly woven into the fabric of the
+plot, and the occupation thereby permeated with an honourable literary
+flavour. In accordance with this resolve I blended together many
+imperishable sayings of the wisest philosophers to present the cries and
+turmoil of the approaching mob, but it was not until I protruded my
+head beneath the hanging canopy in the guise of one observing that an
+opportunity arose of a really well-sustained effort. In this position I
+recited Yung Ki’s stimulating address to his troops when in sight of an
+overwhelming foe, and, in spite of the continually back-thrust foot
+of the undiscriminating one before me, I successfully accomplished the
+seventy-five lines of the poem without a stumble. Then entering fully,
+with many deprecatory bows and expressions of self-abasement at taking
+part in so seemingly detestable an action, I treacherously, yet with
+inoffensive tact, struck the one wearing an all-round collar delicately
+upon the back. Not recognising the movement, or being in some other way
+obtuse, the person in question instead of sinking to the ground turned
+hastily to me in the form of an inquiry, leaving me no other reasonable
+course than to display the knife openly to him, and to assure him that
+the fatal blow had already been inflicted. Undoubtedly his immoderate
+retorts were inept at such a moment, nor was his ensuing strategy of
+turning completely round three times, striking himself about the head
+and body, and uttering ceremonious curses before he fell devoid of
+life--as though the earlier remarks had been part of the ordained
+scheme--to any degree convincing, and the cries of disapproval from the
+onlookers proved that they also regarded this one as the victim of an
+unworthy rebuke.
+
+“Not if the benches were filled at half a guinea a head would I take
+on another performance like that,” exclaimed the one with whom I was
+associated, when it was over. “Besides the dead loss of lasting three
+quarters of an hour it’s tempting providence when the seats are movable.
+I suppose it isn’t your fault, Kong, you poor creature, but you haven’t
+got no glare and glitter. There’s only one thing for it: you must be the
+Rev. Mr. Walker and I’ll take Fang.” He then robed himself in my attire,
+guided me among the intricacies of the all-round collar and outer
+garments in exchange, hung a slender rope about his back, and after
+completing the artifice by a skilful device of massing coloured inks
+upon our faces, he commanded me to lead him out by a chain and observe
+intelligently how a captive Boxer chief should disport himself.
+
+No sooner had we reached the platform than the one whom I controlled
+leapt high into the air, dragged me to the edge of the erection, showed
+his teeth towards the assembly and waved his arms menacingly at them;
+then turning upon this person, he inflamed his face with passion,
+rattled his chain furiously, and uttered such vengeance-laden cries
+that, unable to subdue the emotion of fear, I abandoned all pretence,
+and dropping the chain, fled to the furthest recess of the tent,
+followed by the still threatening Fang.
+
+There is an expression among us, “Cheng-hu was too considerate: he tried
+to drive nails with a cucumber.” Cheng-hu would certainly have quickly
+found the necessity of a weapon of three-times hardened steel if he had
+lived among these barbarians, who are insensible to the higher forms of
+politeness, in addition to acting in a contrary and illogical manner
+on all occasions. Instead of being repelled and discouraged by Fang’s
+outrageous behaviour, they clamoured to be admitted into the tent more
+vehemently than before, and so successfully established the venture that
+the one to whom I must now allude throughout as Fang signified to me his
+covetous intention of reducing the performance by a further two and a
+half minutes in order to reap an added profit and to garner all his rice
+before the Hoang Ho rose.
+
+As for myself, revered, it would be immature to hold the gauze screen of
+prevarication between your all-discerning mind and my own trepidation.
+From the moment when I first saw the expression of utterly depraved
+malignity and deep-seared hate which he had cunningly engraved upon his
+face by means of the coloured inks, I was far from being comfortably
+settled within myself. Even the society of the not inelegant being of
+the inner chamber, whom it was now my part to console with alluring
+words and movements, could not for some time retain my face from a
+back-way instinct at every sound; but when the detail was reached that
+she sank into my grasp bereft of all energy, and for the first time I
+was just succeeding in forgetting the unpropitious surroundings, the
+one Fang, who had entered with unseemly stealth, suddenly hurled his
+soul-freezing battle-cry upon my ear and leapt forward with uplifted
+knife. Perceiving the action from an angle of my eye even as he
+propelled himself through the air, I could not restrain an ignoble wail
+of despair, and not scrupling to forsake the maiden, I would have taken
+refuge beneath a couch had he not seized my outer robe and hurled me
+to the ground. From this point to the close of the entertainment
+the vigorous person in question did not cease from raising cries and
+challenges in an unfaltering and many-fathomed stream, while at the same
+time he continued to spring from one extremity of the stage to the other
+surrounded by every external attribute of an insatiable tiger-like rage.
+It is circumstantially related that the one near at hand, who has been
+referred to as possessing a voiced machine, became demented, and bearing
+the contrivance to a certain tent erected by the charitable, entreated
+them to remove the impediment from its speech so that it might be heard
+again and his livelihood restored. When the action of brandishing
+a profusion of knives before the lesser one’s eyes was reached, so
+nerve-shattering was the impression which Fang created that the back of
+the tent had to be removed in order to let out those who no longer had
+possession of themselves, and to let in those--to a ten-fold
+degree--who strove for admission on the rumour spreading that something
+exceptionally repellent was progressing within.
+
+With what attenuated organs of repose this person would have reached
+the end of so strenuous an occupation had he been compelled to twelve
+enactments each hour throughout the gong-strokes of the day without any
+literary relief, it is not enticing to dwell upon. This evil was averted
+by a timely intervention, for upon proceeding to the outer air for the
+third time I at once perceived among the foremost throng the engaging
+full-face of William Beveledge Greyson. This really painstaking
+individual had learned, as he afterwards explained, that the chiefs of
+exchange (those who in the first case had opposed me resolutely,) had
+received a written omen, and now in contrition were expressing their
+willingness to hold out a full restitution. With this assurance he
+had set forth in an unremitting search, and guided by street-watchers,
+removers of superfluous earth, families propelling themselves forward
+upon one foot, astrologers, two-wheeled charioteers, and others who move
+early and secretly by night, he had traced my description to this same
+Heath. Here he had been attracted by the displayed placard (remembering
+my honourable boast), and approaching nearer, he had plainly recognised
+my voice within. But in spite of this the successful disentanglement was
+by no means yet accomplished.
+
+Not expecting so involved a reversal of things, and being short-eyed by
+nature, William Greyson did not wait for a fuller assurance than to
+be satisfied that the one before him wore my robes and conformed in a
+general outline, before he addressed him.
+
+“Kong Ho,” he said pleasantly, “what the Chief Evil Spirit are you doing
+up there?” adding persuasively, “Come down, there’s a good fellow. I
+have something important to tell you.”
+
+Thus appealed to, the one Fang hesitated in doubt, seeing on the one
+hand a certain loss of face if he declined the conversation, and on the
+other hand having no clear perception of what was required from him.
+Therefore he entered upon a course of evasion and somewhat incapably
+replied, “Chow Chop Wei Hai Wei Lung Tung Togo Kuroki Jim Jam Beri
+Beri.”
+
+“Don’t act the horned sheep,” said Beveledge, who was both resolute and
+one easily set into violent motion by an opposing stream. “Come down,
+or I’ll come up and fetch you.” And not being satisfied with Fang’s
+ill-advised attempt to express himself equivocally, those around took up
+the apt similitude of a self-opinionated animal, and began to suggest a
+comparison to other creatures no less degraded.
+
+“Rats yourselves!” exclaimed the easily-inflamed person at my side,
+losing the inefficient cords of his prudence beneath the sting. “Who’s
+a rabbit? For two guinea-pigs I’d mow all the grass between here and
+the Spaniards with your own left ears,” and not permitting me sufficient
+preparation to withhold the chain more firmly, he abruptly cast himself
+down among them, amid a scene of the most untamed confusion.
+
+“Oh, affectionately-disposed brethren,” I exclaimed, moving forward and
+raising my hand in refined disapproval, “the sublime Confucius, in the
+twenty-third chapter of the book called ‘The Great Learning,’ warns us
+against--” but before I could formulate the allusion Beveledge
+Greyson, who at the sound of my conciliatory words had gazed first in
+astonishment and then in a self-convulsed position, drew himself up to
+my side, and taking a firm grasp upon the all-round collar, projected me
+without a pause through the tent, and only halting for a moment to point
+significantly back to the varied and animated scene behind, where, amid
+a very profuse display of contending passions, the erected stage was
+already being dragged to the ground, and a band of the official watch
+was in the act of converging from every side, he led me through more
+deserted paths to the scene of a final extrication.
+
+With a well-gratified sense of having held an unswerving course along
+the convoluted outline of Destiny’s decree, to whatever tending.
+
+                                     KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XIV
+
+
+ Concerning a pressing invitation from an ever benevolently-
+ disposed father to a prosaic but dutifully-inclined son. The
+ recording of certain matters of no particular moment.
+ Concerning that ultimate end which is symbolic of the
+ inexorable wheels of a larger Destiny.
+
+
+Venerated Sire,--It is not for the earthworm to say when and in what
+exact position the iron-shod boot shall descend, and this person, being
+an even inferior creature for the purpose of the comparison, bows an
+acquiescent neck to your very explicit command that he shall return to
+Yuen-ping without delay. He cannot put away from his mind a clinging
+suspicion that this arising is the result of some imperfection in
+his deplorable style of correspondence, whereby you have formed an
+impression quite opposed to that which it had been the intention to
+convey, and that, perchance, you even have a secret doubt whether upon
+some specified occasion he may not have conducted the enterprise to an
+ignoble, or at least not markedly successful, end. However, the saying
+runs, “The stone-cutter always has the last word,” and you equally, by
+intimating with your usual unanswerable and clear-sighted gift of
+logic that no further allowance of taels will be sent for this one’s
+dispersal, diplomatically impose upon an ever-yearning son the most
+feverish anxiety once more to behold your large and open-handed face.
+
+Standing thus poised, as it may be said, for a returning flight across
+the elements of separation, it is not inopportune for this person to let
+himself dwell gracefully upon those lighter points of recollection which
+have engraved themselves from time to time upon his mind without leading
+to any more substantial adventure worthy to record. Many of the things
+which seemed strange and incomprehensible when he first came among
+this powerful though admittedly barbarian people, are now revealed at
+a proper angle; others, to which he formerly imagined he had found the
+disclosing key, are, on the other hand, plunged into a distorting haze;
+while between these lie a multitude of details in every possible stage
+of disentanglement and doubt. As a final and painstaking pronouncement,
+this person has no hesitation in declaring that this country is
+not--as practically all our former travellers have declared--completely
+down-side-up as compared with our own manners and customs, but at the
+same time it is very materially sideways.
+
+Thus, instead of white, black robes are the indication of mourning; but
+as, for the generality, the same colour is also used for occasions of
+commerce, ceremony, religion, and the ordinary affairs of life, the
+matter remains exactly as it was before. Yet with obtuse inconsistency
+the garments usually white--in which a change would be really
+noticeable--remain white throughout the most poignant grief. How much
+more markedly expressed would be the symbolism if during such a period
+they wore white outer robes and black body garments. Nevertheless it
+cannot be said that they are unmindful of the emblematic influence of
+colour, for, unlike the reasonable conviction that red is red and blue
+is blue, which has satisfied our great nation from the days of the
+legendary Shun, these pale-eyed foreigners have diverged into countless
+trifling imaginings, so that when the one who is now expressing his
+contempt for the development required a robe of a certain hue, he had to
+bend his mouth, before he could be exactly understood, to the degrading
+necessity of asking for “Drowned-rat brown,” “Sunstroke magenta,”
+ “Billingsgate purple,” “London milk azure,” “Settling-day green,” or the
+like. In the other signs of mourning they do not come within measurable
+distance of our pure and uncomfortable standard. “If you are really
+sincere in your regret for the one who has Passed Beyond, why do you not
+sit upon the floor for seven days and nights, take up all food with your
+fingers, and allow your nails to grow untrimmed for three years?” was
+a question which I at first instinctively put to lesser ones in their
+affliction. In every case save one I received answers of evasive
+purport, and even the one stated reason, “Because although I am a poor
+widder I ain’t a pig,” I deemed shallow.
+
+I have already dipped a revealing brush into the subject of names.
+Were the practice of applying names in a wrong and illogical sequence
+maintained throughout it might indeed raise a dignified smile, but
+it would not appear contemptible; but what can be urged when upon an
+occasion one name appears first, upon another occasion last? A dignity
+is conferred in old age, and it is placed before the family designation
+borne by an honoured father and a direct line of seventeen revered
+ancestors. Another title is bestowed, and eats up the former like a
+revengeful dragon. New distinctions follow, some at one end, others at
+another, until a very successful person may be suitably compared to
+the ringed oleander snake, which has the power of growing equally
+from either the head or the tail. To express the matter by a definite
+allusion, how much more graceful and orchideous, even in a condensed
+fashion, would appear the designation of this selected one, if instead
+of the usual form of the country it was habitually set forth in the
+following logical and thoroughly Chinese style:--Chamberlain Joseph,
+Master, Mr., Thrice Wearer of the Robes and Golden Collar, One of the
+Just Peacemakers, Esquire, Member of the House of Law-givers, Leader
+in the Council of Commerce, Presider over the Tables of Provincial
+Government, Uprightly Honourable Secretary of the Outlying Parts.
+
+Among the notes which at various times I have inscribed in a book
+for future guidance I find it written on an early page, “They do not
+hesitate to express their fathers’ names openly,” but to this assertion
+there stands a warning sign which was added after the following
+incident. “Is it true, Mr. Kong,” asked a lesser one, who is spoken of
+as vastly rich but discontented with her previous lot, of this person
+upon an occasion, “is it really true that your countrymen to not
+consider it right to speak of their fathers’ names, even in this
+enlightened age?” To this I replied that the matter was as she had
+eloquently expressed it, and, encouraged by her amiable condescension,
+I asked after the memory of her paternal grandsire, whose name I had
+frequently heard whispered in connection with her own. To my inelegant
+confusion she regarded me for a period as though I had the virtue of
+having become transparent, and then passed on in a most overwhelming
+excess of disconcertingly-arranged silence.
+
+“You’ve done it now, Kong,” said one who stood by (or, as we would
+express the same thought, “You have succeeded in accomplishing the
+undesirable”); “don’t you know that the old man was in the tripe and
+trotter line?”
+
+“To no degree,” I replied truly. “Yet,” I continued, matching his idiom
+with another equally facile, “wherein was this person’s screw loose? Are
+they not openly referred to--those of the Line of Tripe and Trotter--by
+their descendants?”
+
+“Not in most cases,” he said, with a concentration that indicated
+a lurking sting among his words. “Generally speaking, they aren’t
+mentioned or taken into any account whatever. While they are alive they
+are kept in the background and invited to treat themselves to the Tower
+when nice people are expected; when dead they are fastened up in the
+family back cupboard by a score of ten-inch nails and three-trick Yale
+locks, so to speak. And in the meantime all the splash is being made on
+their muddy oof. See?”
+
+I nodded agreeably, though, had the opportunity been more favourable, I
+would have made the feint to learn somewhat more of this secret practice
+of burying in the enclosed space beneath the stairs. Thus is it set
+forth why, after the statement, “They do not hesitate to express their
+fathers’ names openly,” it is further written, “Walk slowly! Engrave
+well upon your discreet remembrance the unmentionable Line of Tripe and
+Trotter.”
+
+Another point of comparison which the superficial have failed to record
+is to be found in the frequent encouragements to regard The Virtues
+which are to be seen, like our own Confucian extracts, freely inscribed
+on every wall and suitable place about the city. These for the most part
+counsel moderation in taking false oaths, in stepping heedlessly upon
+the unknown ground, in following paths which lead to doubtful ends, and
+other timely warnings. “Beware a smoke-breathing demon,” is frequently
+cast across one’s path upon a barrier, and this person has never failed
+to accept the omen and to retrace his steps hastily without looking to
+the right or the left. Even our own national caution is not forgotten,
+although to conform to barbarian indolence it is written, “Slowly,
+slowly; drive slowly.” “Keep to the Right” (or, “Abandon that which is
+evil,” as the analogy holds,) is perhaps the most frequently displayed
+of all, and doubtless many charitable persons obtain an ever-accruing
+merit by hanging the sign bearing these words upon every available post.
+Others are of a stern and threatening nature, designed to make the most
+hardened ill-doer pause, as--in their own tongue--“Rubbish may be shot
+here”; which we should render, “At any moment, and in such a place
+as this, a just doom and extinction may overtake the worthless.” This
+inscription is never to be seen except in waste expanses, where it
+points its significance with a multiplied force. There is another
+definite threat which is lavishly set out, and so thoroughly that it may
+be encountered in the least frequented and almost inaccessible spots.
+This, as it may be translated, reads, “Trespass not the forbidden. The
+profligate may flourish like the gourd for a season, but in the
+end assuredly they will be detected, and justice meted out with the
+relentless fury of the written law.”
+
+In a converse position, the wide difference in the ceremonial forms of
+retaliatory invective has practically disarmed this usually eloquent
+person, and he long since abandoned every hope of expressing himself
+with any satisfaction in encounters of however acrimonious a trend.
+At first, with an urbane smile and gestures of dignified contempt, he
+impugned the authenticity of the Ancestral Tablets of those with whom
+he strove, in an unbroken stream of most bitter contumely. Finding them
+silent under this reproach, he next lightly traced their origin back
+through generations of afflicted lepers, deformed ape-beings, and
+Nameless Things, to a race of primitive ghouls, and then went on in
+relentless fluency to predict an early return in their descendants to
+the condition of a similar state. For some time he had a well-gratified
+assurance that those whom he assailed were so overwhelmed as to be
+incapable of retort, and in this belief he never failed to call upon
+passers-by to witness his triumph; but on the fourth occasion a young
+man whom I had thus publicly denounced for a sufficient though forgotten
+reason, after listening courteously to my venomous accusations, bestowed
+a two-cash piece upon me and passed on, remarking that it was hard,
+and those around, also, would have added from their stores had it
+been permitted. From this time onward I did not attempt to make myself
+disagreeable either in public or to those whom I esteemed privately. On
+the other hand, the barbarian manner of retort did not find me endowed
+by nature to parry it successfully. Quite lacking in measured periods,
+it aims, by an extreme rapidity of thrust and an insincerity of
+sequence, to entangle the one who is assailed in a complication of
+arising doubts and emotions. “Who are you,--no one but yourself,”
+ exclaimed a hireling of hung-dog expression who claimed to have
+exchanged pledging gifts with a certain maiden who stood, as it were,
+between us, and falling into the snare, I protested warmly against the
+insult, and strove to disprove the inference before the paralogism lay
+revealed. Throughout the whole range of the Odes, the Histories, the
+Analects, and the Rites what recognised formula of rejoinder is there to
+the taunt, “Oh, go and put your feet in mustard and cress”; or how
+can one, however skilled in the highest Classics, parry the subtle
+inconsistencies of the reproach, “You’re a nice bit of orl right, aren’t
+you? Not arf, I don’t think.”
+
+Among the arts of this country that of painting upon canvas is held in
+repute, but to a person associated with the masterpieces of the Ma epoch
+these native attempts would be gravity-dispelling if they were not too
+reminiscent of the torture chamber. It is rarely, indeed, that even the
+most highly-esteemed picture-makers succeed in depicting every portion
+of a human body submitted to their brush, and not infrequently half
+of the face is left out. Once, when asked by a paint-applier who was
+entitled to append two signs of exceptional distinction behind his name,
+to express an opinion upon a finished work, I diffidently called his
+attention to the fact that he had forgotten to introduce a certain
+exalted one’s left ear. “Not at all, Mr. Kong,” he replied, with an
+expression of ill-merited self-satisfaction, “but it is hidden by the
+face.” “Yet it exists,” I contended; “why not, therefore, press it to
+the front at all hazard, rather than send so great a statesman down
+into the annals of posterity as deformed to that extent?” “It certainly
+exists,” he admitted, “and one takes that for granted; but in my picture
+it cannot be seen.” I bowed complaisantly, content to let so damaging
+an admission point its own despair. A moment later I continued, “In the
+great Circular Hall of the Palace of Envoys there is a picture of
+two camels, foot-tethered, as it fortunately chanced, to iron rings.
+Formerly there were a drove of eight--the others being free--so
+exquisitely outlined in all their parts that one night, when the door
+had been left incautiously open, they stepped down from the wall and
+escaped to the woods. How deplorable would have been the plight of these
+unfortunate beings, if upon passing into the state of a living existence
+they had found that as a result of the limited vision of their creator
+they only possessed twelve legs and three whole bodies among them.”
+
+Perchance this tactfully-related story, so applicable to his own
+deficiencies, may sink into the imagination of the one for whom it was
+inoffensively unfolded. Yet doubt remains. Our own picture-judgers
+take up a position at the side of work when they with to examine its
+qualities, retiring to an ever-diminishing angle in order to bring out
+the more delicate effects, until a very expert and conscientious critic
+will not infrequently stand really behind the picture he is considering
+before he delivers a final pronouncement. Not until these native artists
+are able to regard their crude attempts from the other side of the
+canvas can they hope to become equally proficient. To this fatal
+shortcoming must be added that of insatiable ambition, which prompts
+the young to the portrayal of widely differing subjects. Into the
+picture-room of one who might thus be described this person was recently
+conducted, to pass an opinion upon a scene in which were depicted
+seven men of varying nationalities and appropriately garbed, one of the
+opposing sex carrying a lighted torch, an elephant reclining beneath a
+fruitful vine, and the President of a Republic. For a period this person
+resisted the efforts of those who would have questioned him, withdrawing
+their attention to the harmonious lights upon the river mist floating
+far below, but presently, being definitely called upon, he replied as
+follows: “Mih Ying, who was perhaps the greatest of his time, spent his
+whole life in painting green and yellow beetles in the act of concealing
+themselves beneath dead maple leaves upon the approach of day. At the
+age of seventy-five he burst into tears, and upon being approached for
+a cause he exclaimed, ‘Alas, if only this person had resisted the
+temptation to be diffuse, and had confined himself to green beetles
+alone, he might now, instead of contemplating a misspent career, have
+been really great.’ How much less,” I continued, “can a person of
+immature moustaches hope to depict two such conflicting objects as a
+recumbent elephant and the President of a Republic standing beneath a
+banner?”
+
+Upon the temptation to deal critically with the religious instincts of
+the islanders this person draws an obliterating brush. As practically
+every traveller who has honoured our unattractive land with his
+effusive presence has subsequently left it in a printed record that
+our ceremonies are grotesque, our priesthood ignorant and depraved,
+our monasteries and sacred places spots of plague upon an otherwise
+flower-adorned landscape, and our beliefs and sacrifices only worthy to
+exist for the purpose of being made into jest-origins by more refined
+communities, the omission on this one’s part may appear uncivil and
+perhaps even intentionally discourteous. To this, as a burner of
+joss-sticks and an irregular person, he can only reply by a deprecatory
+waving of both hands and a reassuring smile.
+
+With the two-sided memories of many other details hanging thickly around
+his brush, it would not be an achievement to continue to a practically
+inexhaustible amount. As of the set days when certain things are
+observed, among which fall the first of the fourth month (but that would
+disclose another involvement), another when flat cakes are partaken
+of without due caution, another when rounder cakes are even more
+incautiously consumed, and that most brightly-illuminated of all when it
+is permissible to embrace maidens openly, and if discreetly accomplished
+with no overhanging fear of ensuing forms of law, beneath the emblem of
+a suspended branch, in memory of the wisdom of certain venerable sages
+who were doubtless expert in the practice. As of the inconvenient
+custom when two persons are walking together that they should arrange
+themselves side by side, to the obvious discomfort of others, the
+sweeping away of all opportunities for agreeable politeness, and
+the utter disregard of the time-honoured example of the sagacious
+water-fowl. As of the inconsistency of refusing, even with contempt, to
+receive our most intimate form of regard and use this person’s lip-cloth
+after a feast, yet the mulish eagerness in that same youth to drink from
+a cup previously used by a lesser one. As of the precision (which still
+remains a cloud of doubt,) with which creatures so intractable as the
+bull are successfully trained to roar aloud at certain gong-strokes of
+the day as an agreed signal. As of the streets in movement, the lights
+at evening, and the voices of those unseen. As of these and as of other
+matters, so multitudinous that they crowd about this person’s mind
+like the assembling swallows, circling above the deserted millet
+fields before they turn their beaks to the sea, and dropping his brush
+(perchance with an acquiescent sigh), he, also, kow-tows submissively
+to a blind but appointed destiny, and prepares to seek a passage from an
+alien land of sojourning.
+
+With the impetuous craving of an affectionate son to behold a revered
+sire, intensified by the fact that he has reached the innermost lining
+of his sleeve; with affectionate greetings towards Ning, Hia-Fa, and
+T’ian Yen, and an assurance that they have never been really absent from
+his thoughts.
+
+                                     KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
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+<div style='text-align:center; font-size:1.2em; font-weight:bold'>The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Mirror of Kong Ho, by Ernest Bramah</div>
+<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and
+most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
+whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
+of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online
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+</div>
+<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: The Mirror of Kong Ho</div>
+<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Ernest Bramah</div>
+<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: October, 1997 [eBook #1077]<br />
+[Most recently updated: November 26, 2021]</div>
+<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div>
+<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Character set encoding: UTF-8</div>
+<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: John Bickers and David Widger</div>
+<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE MIRROR OF KONG HO ***</div>
+
+<div class="fig" style="width:55%;">
+<img src="images/cover.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="[Illustration]" />
+</div>
+
+<h1>THE MIRROR OF KONG HO</h1>
+
+<h2 class="no-break">By Ernest Bramah</h2>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<p class="letter">
+A lively and amusing collection of letters on western living written by Kong
+Ho, a Chinese gentleman. These addressed to his homeland, refer to the
+Westerners in London as barbarians and many of the aids to life in our society
+give Kong Ho endless food for thought. These are things such as the motor car
+and the piano; unknown in China at this time.
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+</div><!--end chapter-->
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2>CONTENTS</h2>
+
+<h2>Contents</h2>
+
+<table summary="" style="">
+
+<tr>
+<td> <a href="#link2H_INTR">INTRODUCTION</a></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0002"><b>THE MIRROR OF KONG HO</b></a><br /><br /></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0003">LETTER I</a></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0004">LETTER II</a></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0005">LETTER III</a></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0006">LETTER IV</a></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0007">LETTER V</a></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0008">LETTER VI</a></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0009">LETTER VII</a></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0010">LETTER VIII</a></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0011">LETTER IX</a></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0012">LETTER X</a></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0013">LETTER XI</a></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0014">LETTER XII</a></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0014a">THE THREE GIFTS</a></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0015">LETTER XIII</a></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0016">LETTER XIV</a></td>
+</tr>
+
+</table>
+
+<hr />
+
+</div><!--end chapter-->
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2><a name="link2H_INTR" id="link2H_INTR"></a>
+INTRODUCTION</h2>
+
+<p>
+Estimable barbarian,&mdash;Your opportune suggestion that I should permit the
+letters, wherein I have described with undeviating fidelity the customs and
+manner of behaving of your accomplished race, to be set forth in the form of
+printed leaves for all to behold, is doubtless gracefully-intentioned, and this
+person will raise no barrier of dissent against it.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+In this he is inspired by the benevolent hope that his immature compositions
+may to one extent become a model and a by-word to those who in turn visit his
+own land of Fragrant Purity; for with exacting care he has set down no detail
+that has not come under his direct observation (although it is not to be denied
+that here or there he may, perchance, have misunderstood an involved allusion
+or failed to grasp the inner significance of an act), so that Impartiality
+necessarily sways his brush, and Truth lurks within his inkpot.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+In an entirely contrary manner some, who of recent years have gratified us with
+their magnanimous presence, have returned to their own countries not only with
+the internal fittings of many of our palaces (which, being for the most part of
+a replaceable nature, need be only trivially referred to, the incident, indeed,
+being generally regarded as a most cordial and pressing variety of foreign
+politeness), but also&mdash;in the lack of highly-spiced actuality&mdash;with
+subtly-imagined and truly objectionable instances. These calumnies they have
+not hesitated to commit to the form of printed books, which, falling into the
+hands of the ignorant and undiscriminating, may even suggest to their
+ill-balanced minds a doubt whether we of the Celestial Empire really are the
+wisest, bravest, purest, and most enlightened people in existence.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+As a parting, it only remains to be said that, in order to maintain unimpaired
+the quaint-sounding brevity and archaic construction of your prepossessing
+language, I have engraved most of the remarks upon the receptive tablets of my
+mind as they were uttered. To one who can repeat the Five Classics without
+stumbling this is a contemptible achievement. Let it be an imposed obligation,
+therefore, that you retain these portions unchanged as a test and a proof to
+all who may read. Of my own deficient words, I can only in truest courtesy
+maintain that any alteration must of necessity make them less offensively
+commonplace than at present they are.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The Sign and immutable Thumb-mark of,
+</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+KONG HO
+</p>
+
+<p>
+By a sure hand to the House of one Ernest Bramah.
+</p>
+
+</div><!--end chapter-->
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2><a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"></a>
+THE MIRROR OF KONG HO</h2>
+
+</div><!--end chapter-->
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2><a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"></a>
+LETTER I</h2>
+
+<p class="letter">
+Concerning the journey. The unlawful demons invoked by certain of the
+barbarians; their power and the manner of their suppression. Suppression. The
+incredible obtuseness of those who attend within tea-houses. The harmonious
+attitude of a person of commerce.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Venerated Sire (at whose virtuous and well-established feet an unworthy son now
+prostrates himself in spirit repeatedly),&mdash;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Having at length reached the summit of my journey, that London of which the
+merchants from Canton spoke so many strange and incredible things, I now send
+you filial salutations three times increased, and in accordance with your
+explicit command I shall write all things to you with an unvarnished brush,
+well assured that your versatile object in committing me to so questionable an
+enterprise was, above all, to learn the truth of these matters in an
+undeviating and yet open-headed spirit of accuracy and toleration.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Of the perils incurred while travelling in the awe-inspiring devices by which I
+was transferred from shore to shore and yet further inland, of the utter
+absence of all leisurely dignity on the part of those controlling their
+movements, and of the almost unnatural self-opinionatedness which led them to
+persist in starting at a stated and prearranged time, even when this person had
+courteously pointed out to them by irrefutable omens that neither the day nor
+the hour was suitable for the venture, I have already written. It is enough to
+assert that a similar want of prudence was maintained on every occasion, and,
+as a result, when actually within sight of the walls of this city, we were
+involved for upwards of an hour in a very evilly-arranged yellow darkness,
+which, had we but delayed for a day, as I strenuously advised those in
+authority after consulting the Sacred Flat and Round Sticks, we should
+certainly have avoided.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Concerning the real nature of the devices by which the ships are propelled at
+sea and the carriages on land, I must still unroll a blank mind until I can
+secretly, and without undue hazard, examine them more closely. If, as you
+maintain, it is the work of captive demons hidden away among their most inside
+parts, it must be admitted that these usually intractable beings are admirably
+trained and controlled, and I am wide-headed enough to think that in this
+respect we might&mdash;not-withstanding our nine thousand years of civilised
+refinement&mdash;learn something of the methods of these barbarians. The
+secret, however, is jealously guarded, and they deny the existence of any
+supernatural forces; but their protests may be ignored, for there is
+undoubtedly a powerful demon used in a similar way by some of the boldest of
+them, although its employment is unlawful. A certain kind of chariot is used
+for the occupation of this demon, and those who wish to invoke it conceal their
+faces within masks of terrifying design, and cover their hands and bodies with
+specially prepared garments, without which it would be fatal to encounter these
+very powerful spirits. While yet among the habitations of men, and in crowded
+places, they are constrained to use less powerful demons, which are lawful, but
+when they reach the unfrequented paths they throw aside all restraint, and,
+calling to their aid the forbidden spirit (which they do by secret movements of
+the hands), they are carried forward by its agency at a speed unattainable by
+merely human means. By day the demon looks forth from three white eyes, which
+at night have a penetrating brilliance equal to the fiercest glances of the
+Sacred Dragon in anger. If any person incautiously stands in its way it utters
+a warning cry of intolerable rage, and should the presumptuous one neglect to
+escape to the roadside and there prostrate himself reverentially before it, it
+seizes him by the body part and contemptuously hurls him bruised and
+unrecognisable into the boundless space of the around. Frequently the demon
+causes the chariot to rise into the air, and it is credibly asserted by
+discriminating witnesses (although this person only sets down as incapable of
+denial that which he has actually beheld) that some have maintained an
+unceasing flight through the middle air for a distance of many li. Occasionally
+the captive demon escapes from the bondage of those who have invoked it,
+through some incautious gesture or heretical remark on their part, and then it
+never fails to use them grievously, casting them to the ground wounded,
+consuming the chariot with fire, and passing away in the midst of an
+exceedingly debased odour, by which it is always accompanied after the manner
+of our own earth spirits.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+This being, as this person has already set forth, an unlawful demon on account
+of its power when once called up, and the admitted uncertainty of its
+movements, those in authority maintain a stern and inexorable face towards the
+practice. To entrap the unwary certain persons (chosen on account of their
+massive outlines, and further protected from evil influences by their pure and
+consistent habits) keep an unceasing watch. When one of them, himself lying
+concealed, detects the approach of such a being, he closely observes the
+position of the sun, and signals to the other a message of warning. Then the
+second one, shielded by the sanctity of his life and rendered inviolable by the
+nature of his garments&mdash;his sandals alone being capable of overturning any
+demon from his path should it encounter them&mdash;boldly steps forth into the
+road and holds out before him certain sacred emblems. So powerful are these
+that at the sight the unlawful demon confesses itself vanquished, and although
+its whole body trembles with ill-contained rage, and the air around is poisoned
+by its discreditable exhalation, it is devoid of further resistance. Those in
+the chariot are thereupon commanded to dismiss it, and being bound in chains
+they are led into the presence of certain lesser mandarins who administer
+justice from a raised dais.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Behold!&rdquo; exclaims the chief of the captors, when the prisoners
+have been placed in obsequious attitudes before the lesser mandarins,
+&ldquo;thus the matter chanced: The honourable Wang, although disguised under
+the semblance of an applewoman, had discreetly concealed himself by the
+roadside, all but his head being underneath a stream of stagnant water, when,
+at the eighth hour of the morning, he beheld these repulsive outcasts
+approaching in their chariot, carried forward by the diabolical vigour of the
+unlawful demon. Although I had stationed myself several li distant from the
+accomplished Wang, the chariot reached me in less than a breathing space of
+time, those inside assuming their fiercest and most aggressive attitudes, and
+as they came repeatedly urging the demon to increased exertions. Their speed
+exceeded that of the swallow in his hymeneal flight, all shrubs and flowers by
+the wayside withered incapably at the demon&rsquo;s contaminating glance,
+running water ceased to flow, and the road itself was scorched at their
+passage, the earth emitting a dull bluish flame. These facts, and the times and
+the distances, this person has further inscribed in a book which thus disposes
+of all possible defence. Therefore, O lesser mandarins, let justice be
+accomplished heavily and without delay; for, as the proverb truly says,
+&lsquo;The fiercer the flame the more useless the struggles of the
+victim.&rsquo;&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At this point the prisoners frequently endeavour to make themselves heard,
+protesting that in the distance between the concealed Wang and the one who
+stands accusing them they had thrice stopped to repair their innermost details,
+had leisurely partaken of food and wine, and had also been overtaken, struck,
+and delayed by a funeral procession. But so great is the execration in which
+these persons are held, that although murderers by stealth, outlaws, snatchers
+from the body, and companies of men who by strategy make a smaller sum of money
+appear to be larger, can all freely testify their innocence, raisers of this
+unlawful demon must not do so, and they are beaten on the head with chains
+until they desist.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Then the lesser mandarins, raising their voices in unison, exclaim, &ldquo;The
+amiable Tsay-hi has reported the matter in a discreet and impartial spirit.
+Hear our pronouncement: These raisers of illegal spirits shall each contribute
+ten taels of gold, which shall be expended in joss-sticks, in purifying the
+road which they have scorched, and in alleviating the distress of the poor and
+virtuous of both sexes. The praiseworthy Tsay-hi, moreover, shall embroider
+upon his sleeve an honourable sign in remembrance of the event. Let drums now
+be beat, and our verdict loudly proclaimed throughout the province.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+These things, O my illustrious father (although on account of my contemptible
+deficiencies of style much may seem improbable to your all-knowing mind), these
+things I write with an unbending brush; for I set down only that which I have
+myself seen, or read in their own printed records. Doubtless it will occur to
+one of your preternatural intelligence that our own system of administering
+justice, whereby the person who can hire the greater number of witnesses is
+reasonably held to be in the right, although perhaps not absolutely infallible,
+is in every way more convenient; but, as it is well said, &ldquo;To the blind,
+night is as acceptable as day.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Henceforth you will have no hesitation in letting it be known throughout
+Yuen-ping that these foreign barbarians do possess secret demons, in spite of
+their denials. Doubtless I shall presently discover others no less powerful.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+With honourable distinction this person has at length grasped the essential
+details of the spoken language here&mdash;not sufficiently well, indeed, to
+make himself understood on most occasions, or even to understand others, but
+enough to perceive clearly when he fails to become intelligible or when they
+experience a like difficulty with him. Upon an earlier occasion, before he had
+made so much progress, being one day left to his own resources, and feeling an
+internal lack, he entered what appeared to be a tea-shop of reputable
+demeanour, and, seating himself at one of the little marble tables, he freely
+pronounced the carefully-learned word &ldquo;rice&rdquo; to the attending
+nymph. To put aside all details of preparation (into which, indeed, this person
+could not enter) he waved his hand gracefully, at the same time smiling with an
+expression of tolerant acquiescence, as of one who would say that what was good
+enough to be cooked and offered by so entrancing a maiden was good enough to be
+eaten by him. After remaining in unruffled tranquillity for the full portion of
+an hour, and observing that no other person around had to wait above half that
+period, this one began to perceive that the enterprise was not likely to
+terminate in a manner satisfactory to himself; so that, leaving this place with
+a few well-chosen phrases of intolerable regret in his own tongue, he entered
+another, and conducted himself in a like fashion.... Towards evening, with an
+unperturbed exterior, but materially afflicted elsewhere, this person seated
+himself within the eleventh tea-shop, and, pointing first towards his own
+constituents of digestion, then at the fire, and lastly in an upward direction,
+thereby signified to any not of stunted intellect that he had reached such a
+condition of mind and body that he was ready to consume whatever the ruling
+deities were willing to allot, whether boiled, baked, roast, or suspended from
+a skewer. In this resolve nothing would move him, until&mdash;after many
+maidens had approached with outstretched hands and gestures of
+despair&mdash;there presently entered a person wearing the helmet of a warrior
+and the manner of a high official, who spoke strongly, yet persuasively, of the
+virtues of immediate movement and a quiet and reposeful bearing.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Assuredly a people who devote so little attention to the study of food, and all
+matters connected with it, must inevitably remain barbaric, however skilfully
+they may feign a superficial refinement. It is said, although I do not commit
+this matter to my own brush, that among them are more books composed on
+subjects which have no actual existence than on cooking, and, incredible as it
+may appear, to be exceptionally round-bodied confers no public honour upon the
+individual. Should a favourable occasion present itself, there are many who do
+not scruple to jest upon the subject of food, or, what is incalculably more
+depraved, upon the scarcity of it.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Nevertheless, there are exceptions of a highly distinguished radiance. Among
+these must be accounted one into whose presence this person was recently led by
+our polished and harmonious friend Quang-Tsun, the merchant in tea and spices.
+This versatile person, whose business-name is spoken of as Jones Bob-Jones, is
+worthy of all benignant respect, and in a really enlightened country would
+doubtless be raised to a more exalted position than that of a breaker of
+outsides (an occupation difficult to express adequately in the written language
+of a country where it is unknown), for his face is like the sun setting in the
+time of harvest, his waist garment excessive, and the undoubted symmetry of his
+middle portions honourable in the extreme. So welcome in my eyes, after
+witnessing an unending stream of concave and attenuated barbarian ghosts, was
+the sight of these perfections of Jones Bob-Jones, that instead of the formal
+greeting of this Island&mdash;the unmeaning &ldquo;How do you do
+it?&rdquo;&mdash;I shook hands cordially with myself, and exclaimed
+affectionately in our own language, &ldquo;Illimitable felicities! How is your
+stomach?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Well,&rdquo; replied Jones Bob-Jones, after Quang-Tsun had interpreted
+this polite salutation to his understanding, &ldquo;since you mention it,
+that&rsquo;s just the trouble; but I&rsquo;m going on pretty well, thanks.
+I&rsquo;ve tried most of the advertised things, and now my doctor has put me
+practically on a bread-and-water course&mdash;clear soup, boiled fish, plain
+joint, no sweets, a crumb of cheese, and a bare three glasses of
+Hermitage.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+During this amiable remark (of which, as it is somewhat of a technical nature,
+I was unable to grasp the contained significance until the agreeable Quang-Tsun
+had subsequently repeated it several times for my retention), I maintained a
+consistent expression of harmonious agreement and gratified esteem (suitable, I
+find, for all like occasions), and then, judging from the sympathetic animation
+of Jones Bob-Jones&rsquo;s countenance, that it had not improbably been
+connected with food, I discreetly introduced the subject of sea-snails,
+preserved in the essence of crushed peaches, by courteously inquiring whether
+he had ever partaken of such a delicacy.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;No,&rdquo; replied the liberal-minded person, when&mdash;encouraged by
+the protruding eagerness of his eyes at the mention of the viand&mdash;I had
+further spoken of the refined flavour of the dish, and explained the manner of
+its preparation. &ldquo;I can&rsquo;t say that I have, but it sounds uncommonly
+good&mdash;something like turtle, I should imagine. I&rsquo;ll see if they can
+get it for me at Pimm&rsquo;s.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+This filial tribute goes by a trusty hand, in the person of one Ki Nihy, who is
+shortly committing himself to the protection of his ancestors and the voracity
+of the unbounded Bitter Waters; and with brightness and gold it will doubtless
+reach you in the course of twelve or eighteen moons. The superstitious here,
+this person may describe, when they wish to send messages from one to another,
+inscribe upon the outer cover a written representation of the one whose
+habitation they require, and after affixing a small paper talisman, drop it
+into a hole in the nearest wall, in the hope that it may be ultimately conveyed
+to the appointed spot, either by the services of the charitably-disposed
+passer-by, or by the intervention of the beneficent deities.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+With a multiplicity of greetings and many abject expressions of a conscious
+inferiority, and attested by an unvarying thumb-mark.
+</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+KONG HO.<br/>
+(Effete branch of a pure and magnanimous trunk.)
+</p>
+
+<p>
+To Kong Ah-Paik, reclining beneath the sign of the Lead Tortoise, in a
+northerly direction beyond the Lotus Beds outside the city of Yuen-ping. The
+Middle Flowery Kingdom.
+</p>
+
+</div><!--end chapter-->
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2><a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"></a>
+LETTER II</h2>
+
+<p class="letter">
+Concerning the ill-destined manner of existence of the hound Hercules. The
+thoughtlessly-expressed desire of the entrancing maiden and its effect upon a
+person of susceptible refinement. The opportune (as it may yet be described)
+visit of one Herbert. The behaviour of those around. Reflections.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Venerated Sire (whose large right hand is continuously floating in spirit over
+the image of this person&rsquo;s dutiful submission),&mdash;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Doubtless to your all-consuming prescience, it will at once become plain that I
+have abandoned the place of residence from which I directed my former
+badly-written and offensively-constructed letter, the house of the sympathetic
+and resourceful Maidens Blank, where in return for an utterly inadequate sum of
+money, produced at stated intervals, this very much inferior person was allowed
+to partake of a delicately-balanced and somewhat unvarying fare in the company
+of the engaging of both sexes, and afterwards to associate on terms of
+honourable equality with them in the chief apartment. The reason and manner of
+this one&rsquo;s departure are in no degree formidable to his refined manner of
+conducting any enterprise, but arose partly from an insufficient grasp of the
+more elaborate outlines of a confessedly involved language, and still more from
+a too excessive impetuousness in carrying out what at the time he believed to
+be the ambition of one who had come to exercise a melodious influence over his
+most internal emotions. Well remarked the Sage, &ldquo;A piece of gold may be
+tried between the teeth; a written promise to pay may be disposed of at a
+sacrifice to one more credulous; but what shall be said of the wind, the Hoang
+Ho, and the way of a woman?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+To contrive a pitfall for this short-sighted person&rsquo;s immature feet,
+certain malicious spirits had so willed it that the chief and more autumnal of
+the Maidens Blank (who, nevertheless, wore an excessively flower-like name),
+had long lavished herself upon the possession of an obtuse and self-assertive
+hound, which was in the habit of gratifying this inconsiderable person and
+those who sat around by continually depositing upon their unworthy garments
+details of its outer surface, and when the weather was more than usually cold,
+by stretching its graceful and refined body before the fire in such a way as to
+ensure that no one should suffer from a too acute exposure to the heat. From
+these causes, and because it was by nature a hound which even on the darkest
+night could be detected at a more than reasonable distance away, while at all
+times it did not hesitate to shake itself freely into the various prepared
+viands, this person (and doubtless others also) regarded it with an emotion
+very unfavourable towards its prolonged existence; but observing from the first
+that those who permitted themselves to be deposited upon, and their hands and
+even their faces to be hound-tongue-defiled with the most externally cheerful
+spirit of word suppression, invariably received the most desirable of the
+allotted portions of food, he judged it prudent and conducive to a settled
+digestion to greet it with favourable terms and actions, and to refer
+frequently to its well-displayed proportions, and to the agile dexterity which
+it certainly maintained in breathing into the contents of every dish. Thus the
+matter may be regarded as being positioned for a space of time.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+One evening I returned at the appointed gong-stroke of dinner, and was
+beginning, according to my custom, to greet the hound with ingratiating
+politeness, when the one of chief authority held up a reproving hand, at the
+same time exclaiming:
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;No, Mr. Kong, you must not encourage Hercules with your amiable
+condescension, for just now he is in very bad odour with us all.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Undoubtedly,&rdquo; replied this person, somewhat puzzled, nevertheless,
+that the imperfection should thus be referred to openly by one who hitherto had
+not hesitated to caress the hound with most intimate details,
+&ldquo;undoubtedly the surrounding has a highly concentrated acuteness
+to-night, but the ever-present characteristic of the hound Hercules is by no
+means new, for whenever he is in the room&mdash;&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At this point it is necessary to explain that the ceremonial etiquette of these
+barbarian outcasts is both conflicting and involved. Upon most of the ordinary
+occasions of life to obtrude oneself within the conversation of another is a
+thing not to be done, yet repeatedly when this unpretentious person has been
+relating his experience or inquiring into the nature and meaning of certain
+matters which he has witnessed, he has become aware that his words have been
+obliterated, as it were, and his remarks diverted from their original intention
+by the sudden and unanticipated desire of those present to express themselves
+loudly on some topic of not really engrossing interest. Not infrequently on
+such occasions every one present has spoken at once with concentrated anxiety
+upon the condition of the weather, the atmosphere of the room, the hour of the
+day, or some like detail of contemptible inferiority. At other times maidens of
+unquestionable politeness have sounded instruments of brass or stringed woods
+with unceasing vigour, have cast down ornaments of china, or even stood upon
+each other&rsquo;s&mdash;or this person&rsquo;s&mdash;feet with assumed
+inelegance. When, therefore, in the midst of my agreeable remark on the
+asserted no fragrance of the hound Hercules, a gentleman of habitual refinement
+struck me somewhat heavily on the back of the head with a reclining seat which
+he was conveying across the room for the acceptance of a lady, and immediately
+overwhelmed me with apologies of almost unnecessary profusion, my mind at once
+leapt to an inspired conclusion, and smiling acquiescently I bowed several
+times to each person to convey to them an admission of the undoubted fact that
+to the wise a timely omen before the storm is as effective as a thunderbolt
+afterwards.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It chanced that there was present the exceptionally prepossessing maiden to
+whom this person has already referred. So varied and ornate were her
+attractions that it would be incompetent in one of my less than average ability
+to attempt an adequate portrayal. She had a light-coloured name with the
+letters so harmoniously convoluted as to be quite beyond my inferior power of
+pronunciation, so that if I wished to refer to her in her absence I had to
+indicate the one I meant by likening her to a full-blown chrysanthemum, a piece
+of rare jade, an ivory pagoda of unapproachable antiquity, or some other object
+of admitted grace. Even this description may scarcely convey to you the real
+extent of her elegant personality; but in her presence my internal organs never
+failed to vibrate with a most entrancing uncertainty, and even now, at the
+recollection of her virtuous demeanour, I am by no means settled within myself.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Well,&rdquo; exclaimed this melodious vision, with sympathetic tact,
+&ldquo;if every one is going to disown poor Hercules because he has eaten all
+our dinners, I shall be quite willing to have him, for he is a dzear ole
+loveykins, wasn&rsquo;t ums?&rdquo; (This, O my immaculate and dignified sire,
+which I transcribe with faithful undeviation, appears to be the dialect of a
+remote province, spoken only by maidens&mdash;both young and of autumnal
+solitude&mdash;under occasional mental stress; as of a native of Shan-si
+relapsing without consciousness into his uncouth tongue after passing a
+lifetime in the Capital.) &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t you think so too, Mr. Kong?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;When the sun shines the shadow falls, for truly it is said, &lsquo;To
+the faithful one even the voice of the corncrake at evening speaks of his
+absent love,&rsquo;&rdquo; replied this person, so engagingly disconcerted at
+being thus openly addressed by the maiden that he retained no delicate
+impression of what she said, or even of what he was replying, beyond an
+unassuming hope that the nature of his feelings might perchance be
+inoffensively revealed to her in the semblance of a discreet allegory.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Perhaps,&rdquo; interposed a person of neglected refinement, turning
+towards the maiden, &ldquo;you would like to have a corncrake also, to remind
+you of Mr. Kong?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;I do not know what a corncrake is like,&rdquo; replied the maiden with
+commendable dignity. &ldquo;I do not think so, however, for I once had a pair
+of canaries, and I found them very unsatisfying, insipid creatures. But I
+should love to have a little dog I am sure, only Miss Blank won&rsquo;t hear of
+it.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Kong Ho,&rdquo; thought this person inwardly, &ldquo;not in vain have
+you burnt joss sticks unceasingly, for the enchanting one has said into your
+eyes that she would love to partake of a little dog. Assuredly we have recently
+consumed the cold portion of sheep on more occasions than a strict
+honourableness could require of those who pay a stated sum at regular
+intervals, and the change would be a welcome one. As she truly says, the
+flavour even of canaries is trivial and insignificant by comparison.&rdquo;
+During the period of dinner&mdash;which consisted of eggs and green herbs of
+the field&mdash;this person allowed the contemplation to grow within him, and
+inspired by a most pleasant and disinterested ambition to carry out the
+expressed wishes of the one who had spoken, he determined that the matter
+should be unobtrusively arranged despite the mercenary opposition of the
+Maidens Blank.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+This person had already learned by experience that dogs are rarely if ever
+exposed for sale in the stalls of the meat venders, the reason doubtless being
+that they are articles of excessive luxury and reserved by law for the rich and
+powerful. Those kept by private persons are generally closely guarded when they
+approach a desirable condition of body, and the hound Hercules would not prove
+an attractive dish to those who had known him in life. Nevertheless, it is well
+said, &ldquo;The Great Wall is unsurmountable, but there are many gaps
+through,&rdquo; and that same evening I was able to carry the first part of my
+well-intentioned surprise into effect.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The matter now involves one named Herbert, who having exchanged gifts of
+betrothal with a maiden staying at the house, was in the habit of presenting
+himself openly, when he was permitted to see her, after the manner of these
+barbarians. (Yet even of them the more discriminating acknowledge that our
+customs are immeasurably superior; for when I explained to the aged father of
+the Maidens Blank that among us the marriage rites are irrevocably performed
+before the bride is seen unveiled by man, he sighed heavily and exclaimed that
+the parents of this country had much to learn.)
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The genial-minded Herbert had already acquired for himself the reputation of
+being one who ceaselessly removes the gravity of others, both by word and
+action, and from the first he selected this obscure person for his charitable
+purpose to a most flattering extent. Not only did he&mdash;on the pretext that
+his memory was rebellious&mdash;invariably greet me as &ldquo;Mr. Hong
+Kong,&rdquo; but on more than one occasion he insisted, with mirth-provoking
+reference to certain details of my unbecoming garments, that I must surely have
+become confused and sent a Mrs. Hong Kong instead of myself, and frequently he
+undermined the gravity of all most successfully by pulling me backwards
+suddenly by the pigtail, with the plea that he imagined he was picking up his
+riding-whip. This attractive person was always accompanied by a formidable
+dog&mdash;of convex limbs, shrunken lip, and suspicious demeanour&mdash;which
+he called Influenza, to the excessive amusement of those to whom he related its
+characteristics. For some inexplicable reason from the first it regarded my
+lower apparel as being unsuitable for the ordinary occasions of life, and in
+spite of the low hissing call by which its master endeavoured to attract its
+attention to himself, it devoted its energies unceasingly to the self-imposed
+task of removing them fragment by fragment. Nevertheless it was a dog of
+favourable size and condition, and it need not therefore be a matter for
+surprise that when the intellectual person Herbert took his departure on the
+day in question it had to be assumed that it had already preceded him. Having
+accomplished so much, this person found little difficulty in preparing it
+tastefully in his own apartment, and making the substitution on the following
+day.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Although his mind was confessedly enlarged at the success of his venture, and
+his hopes most ornamentally coloured at the thought of the adorable one&rsquo;s
+gratified esteem when she discovered how expertly her wishes had been carried
+out, this person could not fail to notice that the Maiden Blank was also
+materially agitated when she distributed the contents of the dish before her.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Will you, of your enlightened courtesy, accept, and overlook the
+deficiencies of, a portion of rabbit-pie, O high-souled Mr. Kong?&rdquo; she
+inquired gracefully when this insignificant person was reached, and, concealing
+my many-hued emotion beneath an impassive face, I bowed agreeably as I replied,
+&ldquo;To the beggar, black bread is a royal course.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;WHAT pie did you say, dear?&rdquo; whispered another autumnal maiden,
+when all had partaken somewhat, and at her words a most consistently acute
+silence involved the table.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;I&mdash;I don&rsquo;t quite know,&rdquo; replied the one of the upper
+end, becoming excessively devoid of complexion; and restraining her voice she
+forthwith sent down an attending slave to inquire closely.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At this point a person of degraded ancestry endeavoured to remove the undoubted
+cloud of depression by feigning the nocturnal cry of the domestic cat; but in
+this he was not successful, and a maiden opposite, after fixedly regarding a
+bone on her plate, withdrew suddenly, embracing herself as she went. A moment
+later the slave returned, proclaiming aloud that the dish which had been
+prepared for the occasion had now been accidentally discovered by the
+round-bodied cook beneath the cushions of an arm-chair (a spot by no means
+satisfactory to this person&rsquo;s imagination had the opportunities at his
+disposal been more diffuse).
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;What, then, is this of which we have freely partaken?&rdquo; cried they
+around, and, in the really impressive silence which followed, an inopportune
+person discovered a small silver tablet among the fragments upon his plate,
+and, taking it up, read aloud the single word, &ldquo;Influenza.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+During the day, and even far into the uncounted gong-strokes of the time of
+darkness, this person had frequently remained in a fascinated contemplation of
+the moment when he should reveal himself and stand up to receive the
+benevolently-expressed congratulations of all who paid an agreed sum at fixed
+intervals, and, particularly, the dazzling though confessedly unsettling
+glance-thanks of the celestially-formed maiden who had explicitly stated that
+she was desirous of having a little dog. Now, however, when this part of the
+enterprise ought to have taken place, I found myself unable to evade the
+conclusion that some important detail of the entire scheme had failed to agree
+harmoniously with the rest, and, had it been possible, I would have retired
+with unobtrusive tact and permitted another to wear my honourable acquirements.
+But, for some reason, as I looked around I perceived that every eye was fixed
+upon me with what at another time would have been a most engaging unanimity,
+and, although I bowed with undeterred profusion, and endeavoured to walk out
+behind an expression of all-comprehensive urbanity that had never hitherto
+failed me, a person of unsympathetic outline placed himself before the door,
+and two others, standing one on each side of me, gave me to understand that a
+recital of the full happening was required before I left the room.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It is hopeless to expect a display of refined intelligence at the hands of a
+people sunk in barbarism and unacquainted with the requirements of true dignity
+and the essentials of food preparation. On the manner of behaving of the male
+portion of those present this person has no inducement whatever to linger. Even
+the maiden for whom he had accomplished so much, after the nature of the
+misunderstanding had been made plain to her, uttered only a single word of
+approval, which, on subsequently consulting a book of interpretations, this
+person found to indicate: &ldquo;A person of weak intellect; one without an
+adequate sense of the proportion and fitness of things; a buffoon; a jester; a
+compound of gooseberries scalded and crushed with cream&rdquo;; but although
+each of these definitions may in a way be regarded as applicable, he is still
+unable to decide which was the precise one intended.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+With salutations of filial regard, and in a spirit seven times refined by
+affliction and purified by vain regrets.
+</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+KONG HO.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+(Upon whose tablet posterity will perchance inscribe the titles,
+&ldquo;Ill-destined but Misjudged.&rdquo;)
+</p>
+
+</div><!--end chapter-->
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2><a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"></a>
+LETTER III</h2>
+
+<p class="letter">
+Concerning the virtuous amusements of both old and young. The sit-round games.
+The masterpiece of the divine Li Tang, and its reception by all, including that
+same Herbert.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Venerated Sire (whose breadth of mind is so well developed as to take for
+granted boundless filial professions, which, indeed, become vapid by a too
+frequent reiteration),&mdash;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Your amiable inquiry as to how the barbarians pass their time, when not
+employed in affairs of commerce or in worshipping their ancestors, has inspired
+me to examine the matter more fully. At the same time your pleasantly-composed
+aphorism that the interior nature of persons does not vary with the colour of
+their eyes, and that if I searched I should find the old flying kites and the
+younger kicking feather balls or working embroidery, according to their sex,
+does not appear to be accurately sustained.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The lesser ones, it is true, engage in a variety of sumptuous handicrafts, such
+as the scorching of wooden tablets with the semblance of a pattern, and gouging
+others with sharpened implements into a crude relief; depicting birds and
+flowers upon the surface of plates, rending leather into shreds, and entwining
+beaten iron, brass, and copper into a diversity of most ingenious
+complications; but when I asked a maiden of affectionate and domesticated
+appearance whether she had yet worked her age-stricken father&rsquo;s
+coffin-cloth, she said that the subject was one upon which she declined to
+jest, and rapidly involving herself in a profuse display of emotion, she
+withdrew, leaving this one aghast.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+To enable my mind to retranquillise, I approached a youth of highly-gilded
+appearance, and, with many predictions of self-inferiority, I suggested that we
+should engage in the stimulating rivalry of feather ball. When he learned,
+however, that the diversion consisted in propelling upwards a feather-trimmed
+chip by striking it against the side of the foot, he candidly replied that he
+was afraid he had grown out of shuttle-cock, but did not mind, if I was
+vigorously inclined, &ldquo;taking me on for a set of yang-pong.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Old men here, it is said, do not fly kites, and they affect to despise catching
+flies for amusement, although they frequently go fishing. Struck by this
+peculiarity, I put it in the form of an inquiry to one of venerable appearance,
+why, when at least five score flies were undeniably before his eyes, he
+preferred to recline for lengthy periods by the side of a stream endeavouring
+to snare creatures of whose existence he himself had never as yet received any
+adequate proof. Doubtless in my contemptible ignorance, however, I used some
+word inaccurately, for those who stood around suffered themselves to become
+amused, and the one in question replied with no pretence of amiable
+condescension that the jest had already been better expressed a hundred times,
+and that I would find the behind parts of a printed leaf called
+&ldquo;Punch&rdquo; in the bookcase. Not being desirous of carrying on a
+conversation of which I felt that I had misplaced the most highly rectified
+ingredient, I bowed repeatedly, and replied affably that wisdom ruled his left
+side and truth his right.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It was upon this same occasion that a young man of unprejudiced
+wide-mindedness, taking me aside, asserted that the matter had not been
+properly set forth when I was inquiring about kites. Both old and young men, he
+continued, frequently endeavoured to fly kites, even in the involved heart of
+the city. He had tried once or twice himself, but never with encouraging
+success, chiefly, he was told, because his paper was not good enough. Many
+people, he added, would not scruple to mislead me with evasive ambiguity on
+this one subject owing to an ill-balanced conception of what constituted true
+dignity, but he was unwilling that his countrymen should be thought by mine to
+be sunk into a deeper barbarism than actually existed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+His warning was not inopportune. Seated next to this person at a later period
+was a maiden from whose agreeably-poised lips had hitherto proceeded nothing
+but sincerity and fact. Watching her closely I asked her, as one who only had a
+languid interest either one way or the other, whether her revered father or her
+talented and richly-apparelled brothers ever spent their time flying kites
+about the city. In spite of a most efficient self-control her colour changed at
+my words, and her features trembled for a moment, but quickly reverting to
+herself she replied that she thought not; then&mdash;as though to subdue my
+suspicions more completely&mdash;that she was sure they did not, as the kites
+would certainly frighten the horses and the appointed watchmen of the street
+would not allow it. She confessed, however, with unassumed candour, that the
+immediate descendants of her sister were gracefully proficient in the art.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+From this, great and enlightened one, you will readily perceive how misleading
+an impression might be carried away by a person scrupulously-intentioned but
+not continually looking both ways, when placed among a people endowed with the
+uneasy suspicion of the barbarian and struggling to assert a doubtful
+refinement. Apart from this, there has to be taken into consideration their
+involved process of reasoning, and the unexpectedly different standards which
+they apply to every subject.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At the house of the Maidens Blank, when the evening was not spent in listening
+to melodious voices and the harmony of stringed woods, it was usual to take
+part in sit-round games of various kinds. (And while it is on his brush this
+person would say with commendable pride that a well-trained musician among us
+can extort more sound from a hollow wooden pig, costing only a few cash, than
+the most skilful here ever attain on their largest instrument&mdash;a
+highly-lacquered coffin on legs, filled with bells and hidden springs, and
+frequently sold for a thousand taels.)
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Upon a certain evening, at the conclusion of one sit-round game which involved
+abrupt music, a barrier of chairs, and the exhilarating possibility of being
+sat upon by the young and vivacious in their zeal, a person of the company
+turned suddenly to the one who is communicating with you and said enticingly,
+&ldquo;Why did Birdcage Walk?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Not judging from his expression that this was other than a polite inquiry on a
+matter which disturbed his repose, I was replying that the manifestation was
+undoubtedly the work of a vexatious demon which had taken up its abode in the
+article referred to, when another, by my side, cried aloud, &ldquo;Because it
+envied Queen Anne&rsquo;s Gate&rdquo;; and without a pause cast back the
+question, &ldquo;Who carved The Poultry?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+In spite of the apparent simplicity of the demand it was received by all in an
+attitude of complicated doubt, and this person was considering whether he might
+not acquire distinction by replying that such an office fell by custom to the
+lot of the more austere Maiden Blank, when the very inadequate reply,
+&ldquo;Mark Lane with St. Mary&rsquo;s Axe,&rdquo; was received with applause
+and some observations in a half-tone regarding the identity of the fowl.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+By the laws of the sit-round games the one who had last spoken now proclaimed
+himself, demanding to know, &ldquo;Why did Battersea Rise?&rdquo; but the
+involvement was evidently superficial, for the maiden at whose memory this
+one&rsquo;s organs still vibrate ignobly at once replied, &ldquo;Because it
+thought Clapham Common,&rdquo; in turn inquiring, &ldquo;What made the Marble
+Arch?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Although I would have willingly sacrificed to an indefinite extent to be
+furnished with the preconcerted watchword, so that I might have enlarged myself
+in the eyes of this consecrated being&rsquo;s unapproachable esteem, I had
+already decided that the competition was too intangible for one whose thoughts
+lay in well-defined parallel lines, and it fell to another to reply, &ldquo;To
+hear Salisbury Court.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+This, O my broad-minded ancestor of the first degree&mdash;an aimless challenge
+coupled with the name of one recognisable spot, replied to by the haphazard
+retort of another place, frequently in no way joined to it, was regarded as an
+exceptionally fascinating sit-round game by a company of elderly barbarians!
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;What couldn&rsquo;t Walbrook?&rdquo; it might be, and &ldquo;Such
+Cheapside,&rdquo; would be deemed a praiseworthy solution. &ldquo;When did
+King&rsquo;s Bench Walk?&rdquo; would be asked, and to reply, &ldquo;When
+Gray&rsquo;s Inn Road,&rdquo; covered the one with overpowering acclamation.
+&ldquo;Bevis Marks only an Inner Circle at The Butts; why?&rdquo; was a demand
+of such elaborate complexity that (although this person was lured out of his
+self-imposed restraint by the silence of all round, and submerging his
+intelligence to an acquired level, unobtrusively suggested, &ldquo;Because
+Aylesbury ducks, perchance&rdquo;) it fell to the one propounding to announce,
+&ldquo;Because St. John&rsquo;s Wood Shoot-up Hill.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Admittedly it is written, &ldquo;When the shutter is fastened the girdle is
+loosened,&rdquo; but it is as truly said, &ldquo;Not in the head, nor yet in
+the feet, but in the organs of digestion does wisdom reside,&rdquo; and even in
+jesting the middle course of neither an excessive pride nor an absolute
+weak-mindedness is to be observed. With what concrete pangs of acute mental
+distress would this person ever behold his immaculate progenitor taking part in
+a similar sit-round game with an assembly of worthy mandarins, the one asking
+questions of meaningless import, as &ldquo;Why did they Hangkow?&rdquo; and
+another replying in an equal strain of no consecutiveness, &ldquo;In order to
+T&rsquo;in Tung!&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At length a person who is spoken of as having formerly been the captain of a
+band of warriors turned to me with an unsuspected absence of ferocity and said,
+&ldquo;Your countrymen are very proficient in the art of epigram, are they not,
+Mr. Kong? Will you not, in turn, therefore, favour us with an example?&rdquo;
+Whereupon several maidens exclaimed with engaging high temper, &ldquo;Oh yes;
+do ask us some funny Chinese riddles, Mr. Kong!&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Assuredly there are among us many classical instances of the light
+sayings which require matching,&rdquo; I replied, gratified that I should have
+the opportunity of showing their superiority. &ldquo;One, harmonious beyond the
+blend of challenge and retort, is as follows&mdash;&lsquo;The Phoenix
+embroidered upon the side of the shoe: When the shoe advances the Phoenix leaps
+forward.&rsquo;&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Oh!&rdquo; cried several of the maidens, and from the nature of their
+glances it might reasonably be gathered that already they began to recognise
+the inferiority of their own sayings.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Is that the question, or the answer, or both?&rdquo; asked a youth of
+unfledged maturity, and to hide their conscious humiliation several persons
+allowed their faces to melt away.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;That which has been expressed,&rdquo; replied this person with an
+ungrudging toleration, &ldquo;is the first or question portion of the contrast.
+The answer is that which will be supplied by your honourable
+condescension.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;But,&rdquo; interposed one of the maidens, &ldquo;it isn&rsquo;t really
+a question, you know, Mr. Kong.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;In a way of regarding it, it may be said to be question, inasmuch as it
+requires an answer to establish the comparison. The most pleasing answer is
+that which shall be dissimilar in idea, and yet at the same time maintain the
+most perfect harmony of parallel thought,&rdquo; I replied. &ldquo;Now permit
+your exceptional minds to wander in a forest of similitudes: &lsquo;The Phoenix
+embroidered upon the side of the shoe: When the shoe advances the Phoenix leaps
+forward.&rsquo;&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Oh, if that&rsquo;s all you want,&rdquo; said the one Herbert, who by an
+ill destiny chanced to be present, &ldquo;&lsquo;The red-hot poker held before
+the Cat&rsquo;s nose: When the poker advances the Cat leaps
+backwards.&rsquo;&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Oh, very good!&rdquo; cried several of those around, &ldquo;of course it
+naturally would. Is that right, Mr. Kong?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;If the high-souled company is satisfied, then it must be, for there is
+no conclusive right or wrong&mdash;only an unending search for that which is
+most gem-set and resourceful,&rdquo; replied this person, with an
+ever-deepening conviction of no enthusiasm towards the sit-round game.
+&ldquo;But,&rdquo; he added, resolved to raise for a moment the canopy of a
+mind swan-like in its crystal many-sidedness, and then leave them to their own
+ineptitude, &ldquo;for five centuries nothing has been judged equal to the
+solution offered by Li Tang. At the time he was presented with a three-sided
+banner of silk with the names of his eleven immediate ancestors embroidered
+upon it in seven colours, and his own name is still handed down in imperishable
+memory.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Oh, do tell us what it was,&rdquo; cried many. &ldquo;It must have been
+clever.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;&lsquo;The Dragon painted upon the face of the fan: When the fan is
+shaken the Dragon flies upwards,&rsquo;&rdquo; replied this person.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It cannot be denied that this was received with an attitude of respectful
+melancholy strikingly complimentary to the wisdom of the gifted Li Tang. But
+whether it may be that the time was too short to assimilate the more subtle
+delicacies of the saying, or whether the barbarian mind is inherently devoid of
+true balance, this person was panged most internally to hear one say to another
+as he went out, &ldquo;Do you know, I really think that Herbert&rsquo;s was
+much the better answer of the two&mdash;more realistic, and what you might
+expect at the pantomime.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>
+A like inability to grasp with a clear and uninvolved vision, permeates not
+only the triviality of a sit-round game but even the most important
+transactions of existence.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Shortly after his arrival in the Island, this person was initiated by the
+widely-esteemed Quang-Tsun into the private life of one whose occupation was
+that of a Law-giver, where he frequently drank tea on terms of mutual
+cordiality. Upon such an occasion he was one day present, conversing with the
+lesser ones of the household&mdash;the head thereof being absent, setting forth
+the Law in the Temple&mdash;when one of the maidens cried out with amiable
+vivacity, &ldquo;Why, Mr. Kong, you say such consistently graceful things of
+the ladies you have met over here, that we shall expect you to take back an
+English wife with you. But perhaps you are already married in China?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;The conclusion is undeviating in its accuracy,&rdquo; replied this
+person, unable to evade the allusion. &ldquo;To Ning, Hia-Fa and T&rsquo;ain
+Yen, as the matter stands.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Ning Hia-Fa An T&rsquo;ain Yen!&rdquo; exclaimed the wife of the
+Law-giver pleasantly. &ldquo;What an important name. Can you pardon our
+curiosity and tell us what she is like?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Ning, Hia-Fa AND T&rsquo;ain Yen,&rdquo; repeated this person, not
+submitting to be deprived of the consequence of two wives without due protest.
+&ldquo;Three names, three wives. Three very widely separated likes.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At this in no way boastfully uttered statement the agreeably outlined surface
+of the faces around variated suddenly, the effect being one which I have
+frequently observed in the midst of my politest expressions of felicity. For a
+moment, indeed, I could not disguise from myself that the one who had made the
+inquiry stretched forth her lotus-like hand towards the secret spring by which
+it is customary to summon the attending slaves from the underneath parts, but
+restraining herself with the manner of one who would desire to make less of a
+thing that it otherwise might seem, she turned to me again.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;How nice!&rdquo; she murmured. &ldquo;What a pity you did not bring them
+all with you, Mr. Kong. They would have been a great acquisition.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Yet it must be well weighed,&rdquo; I replied, not to be
+out-complimented touching one another, &ldquo;that here they would have met so
+many fine and superior gentlemen that they might have become dissatisfied with
+my less than average prepossessions.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;I wonder if they did not think of that in your case, and refuse to let
+you come,&rdquo; said one of the maidens.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;The various persons must not be regarded as being on their all
+fours,&rdquo; I replied, anxious that there should be no misunderstanding on
+this point. &ldquo;They, of course, reside within one inner chamber, but there
+would be no duplicity in this one adding indefinitely to the number.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Of course not; how silly of me!&rdquo; exclaimed the maiden. &ldquo;What
+splendid musical evenings you can have. But tell me, Mr. Kong (ought it not to
+be Messrs. Kong, mamma?), if a girl married you here would she be legally
+married to you in China?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Oh yes,&rdquo; replied this person positively.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;But could you not, by your own laws, have the marriage set aside
+whenever you wished?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Assuredly,&rdquo; I admitted. &ldquo;It is so appointed.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Then how could she be legally married?&rdquo; she persisted, with really
+unbecoming suspicion.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Legally married, legally unmarried,&rdquo; replied this person, quite
+distressed within himself at not being able to understand the difficulty
+besetting her. &ldquo;All perfectly legal and honourably observed.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;I think, Gwendoline&mdash;&rdquo; said the one of authority, and
+although the matter was no further expressed, by an instinct which he was
+powerless to avert, this person at once found himself rising with ceremonious
+partings.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Not desiring that the obstacle should remain so inadequately swept away, I have
+turned my presumptuous footsteps in the direction of the Law-giver&rsquo;s
+house on several later occasions, but each time the word of the slave guarding
+the door has been that they of the household, down even to those of the most
+insignificant degree of kinship, have withdrawn to a distant and secluded spot.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+With renewed assurances that the enterprise is being gracefully conducted,
+however ill-digested and misleading these immature compositions may appear.
+</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+KONG HO.
+</p>
+
+</div><!--end chapter-->
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2><a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"></a>
+LETTER IV</h2>
+
+<p class="letter">
+Concerning a desire to expatiate upon subjects of philosophical importance and
+its no accomplishment. Three examples of the mental concavity sunk into by
+these barbarians. An involved episode which had the outward appearance of being
+otherwise than what it was.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Venerated Sire (whose genial liberality on all necessary occasions is well
+remembered by this person in his sacrifices, with the titles
+&ldquo;Benevolent&rdquo; and &ldquo;Open-sleeved&rdquo;),&mdash;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+I had it in my head at one time to tell you somewhat of the Classics most
+reverenced in this country, of the philosophical opinions which prevail, and to
+enlighten you generally upon certain other subjects of distinguished eminence.
+As the deities arranged, however, it chanced that upon my way to a reputable
+quarter of the city where the actuality of these matters can be learnt with the
+least evasion, my footsteps were drawn aside by an incident which now permeates
+my truth-laden brush to the exclusion of all else.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But in the first place, if it be permitted for a thoroughly untrustworthy son
+to take so presumptuous a liberty with an unvaryingly sagacious father, let
+this one entreat you to regard everything he writes in a very wide-headed
+spirit of looking at the matter from all round. My former letters will have
+readily convinced you that much that takes place here, even among those who can
+afford long finger-nails, would not be tolerated in Yuen-ping, and in order to
+avoid the suspicion that I am suffering from a serious injury to the head, or
+have become a prey to a conflicting demon, it will be necessary to continue an
+even more highly-sustained tolerant alertness. This person himself has
+frequently suffered the ill effects of rashly assuming that because he is
+conducting the adventure in a prepossessing spirit his efforts will be
+honourably received, as when he courteously inquired the ages of a company of
+maidens into whose presence he was led, and complimented the one whom he was
+desirous of especially gratifying by assuring her that she had every appearance
+of being at least twice the nine-and-twenty years to which she modestly laid
+claim.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Upon another occasion I entered a barber&rsquo;s stall, and finding it
+oppressively hot within, I commanded the attendant to carry a reclining stool
+into the street and there shave my lower limbs and anoint my head. As he
+hesitated to obey&mdash;doubtless on account of the trivial labour
+involved&mdash;I repeated my words in a tone of fuller authority, holding out
+the inducement of a just payment when he complied, and assuring him that he
+would certainly be dragged before the nearest mandarin and tortured if he held
+his joints stiffly. At this he evidently understood his danger, for
+obsequiously protesting that he was only a barber of very mean attainments, and
+that his deformed utensils were quite inadequate for the case, he very
+courteously directed me in inquire for a public chariot bound for a quarter
+called Colney Hatch (the place of commerce, it is reasonable to infer, of the
+higher class barbers), and, seating myself in it, instruct the attendant to put
+me down at the large gates, where they possessed every requisite appliance, and
+also would, if desirable, shave my head also. Here the incident assumes a more
+doubtful guise, for, notwithstanding the admitted politeness of the one who
+spoke, each of those to whom I subsequently addressed myself on the subject,
+presented to me a face quite devoid of encouragement. While none actually
+pointed out the vehicle I sought, many passed on in a state of inward
+contemplation without replying, and some&mdash;chiefly the attendants of other
+chariots of a similar kind&mdash;replied in what I deemed to be a spirit of
+elusive metaphor, as he who asserted that such a conveyance must be sought for
+at a point known intimately as the Aldgate Pump, whence it started daily at
+half-past the thirteenth gong-stroke; and another, who maintained that I had no
+prospect of reaching the desired spot until I secured the services of one of a
+class of female attendants who wear flowing blue robes in order to indicate
+that they are prepared to encounter and vanquish any emergency in life. To make
+no elaborate pretence in the matter this person may definitely admit that he
+never did reach the place in question, nor&mdash;in spite of a diligent search
+in which he has encountered much obloquy&mdash;has he yet found any barber
+sufficiently well equipped to undertake the detail.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Even more recently I suffered the unmerited rebuke of the superficial through
+performing an act of deferential politeness. Learning that the enlightened and
+magnanimous sovereign of this country was setting out on a journey I stationed
+myself in the forefront of those who stood before his palace, intending to
+watch such parts of the procession as might be fitly witnessed by one of my
+condition. When these had passed, and the chariot of the greatest approached, I
+respectfully turned my back to the road with a propitiatory gesture, as of one
+who did not deem himself worthy even to look upon a being of such majestic rank
+and acknowledged excellence. This delicate action, by some incredible process
+of mental obliquity, was held by those around to be a deliberate insult, if not
+even a preconcerted signal, of open treachery, and had not a heaven-sent breeze
+at that moment carried the hat of a very dignified bystander into the upper
+branches of an opportune tree, and successfully turned aside the attention of
+the assembly into a most immoderate exhibition of utter loss of gravity, I
+should undoubtedly have been publicly tortured, if not actually torn to pieces.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+But the incident first alluded to was of an even more elaborately-contrived
+density than these, and some of the details are still unrolled before the
+keenest edge of this one&rsquo;s inner perception. Nevertheless, all is now set
+down in unbroken exactness for your impartial judgment.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At the time of this exploit I had only ventured out on a few occasions, and
+then, save those recorded, to no considerable extent; for it had already become
+obvious that the enterprises in which I persistently became involved never
+contributed to my material prosperity, and the disappointment of finding that
+even when I could remember nine words of a sentence in their language none of
+the barbarians could understand even so much as a tenth of my own, further cast
+down my enthusiasm.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+On the day which has been the object of this person&rsquo;s narration from the
+first, he set out to become more fully instructed in the subjects already
+indicated, and proceeding in a direction of which he had no actual knowledge,
+he soon found himself in a populous and degraded quarter of the city.
+Presently, to his reasonable astonishment, he saw before him at a point where
+two ill-constructed thoroughfares met, a spacious and important building,
+many-storied in height, ornamented with a profusion of gold and crystal, marble
+and precious stones, and displaying from a tall pole the three-hued emblem of
+undeniable authority. A never-ending stream of people passed in and out by the
+numerous doors; the strains of expertly wielded instruments could be distinctly
+heard inside, and the warm odour of a most prepossessing spiced incense
+permeated the surroundings. &ldquo;Assuredly,&rdquo; thought the person who is
+now recording the incident, &ldquo;this is one of the Temples of barbarian
+worship&rdquo;; and to set all further doubt at rest he saw in letters of gilt
+splendour a variety of praiseworthy and appropriate inscriptions, among which
+he read and understood, &ldquo;Excellent,&rdquo; &ldquo;Fine Old,&rdquo;
+&ldquo;Well Matured,&rdquo; &ldquo;Spirits only of the choicest quality
+within,&rdquo; together with many other invocations from which he could not
+wrest the hidden significance, as &ldquo;Old Vatted,&rdquo;
+&ldquo;Barclay&rsquo;s Entire,&rdquo; &ldquo;An Ordinary at One,&rdquo; and the
+like.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+By this time an impressive gathering had drawn around, and from its manner of
+behaving conveyed the suspicion that an entertainment or manifestation of some
+kind was confidently awaited. To disperse so outrageous a misconception this
+person was on the point of withdrawing himself when he chanced to see, over the
+principal door of the Temple, a solid gold figure of colossal magnitude,
+represented as crowned with leaves and tendrils, and holding in his
+outstretched hands a gigantic, and doubtless symbolic, bunch of grapes.
+&ldquo;This,&rdquo; I said to myself, &ldquo;is evidently the tutelary deity of
+the place, so displayed to receive the worship of the passer-by.&rdquo; With
+the discovery a thought of the most irreproachable benevolence possessed me.
+&ldquo;Why should not this person,&rdquo; I reflected, &ldquo;gain the
+unstinted approbation of those barbarians&rdquo; (who by this time completely
+encircled me in) &ldquo;by doing obeisance towards their deity, and by the same
+act delicately and inoffensively rebuke them for their own too-frequent
+intolerable attitude towards the susceptibilities of others? As an unprejudiced
+follower, in his own land, of the systems of Confucius, Lao-tse, and Buddha,
+this person already recognises the claims of seventeen thousand nine hundred
+and thirty-three deities of various grades, so that the addition of one more to
+that number can be a heresy of very trivial expiation.&rdquo; Inspired by these
+honourable sentiments, therefore, I at once prostrated myself on the ground,
+and, amid a silence of really illimitable expectation, I began to kow-tow
+repeatedly with ceremonious precision.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At this display of charitable broadmindedness an approving shout went up on all
+sides. Thus encouraged I proceeded to kow-tow with even more unceasing
+assiduousness, and presently words of definite encouragement mingled with the
+shout. &ldquo;Do not flag in your amiable disinterestedness, Kong Ho,&rdquo; I
+whispered in my ear, &ldquo;and out of your well-sustained endurance may
+perchance arise a cordial understanding, and ultimately a remunerative alliance
+between two distinguished nations.&rdquo; Filled with this patriotic hope I did
+not suffer my neck to stiffen, and doubtless I would have continued the
+undertaking as long as the sympathetic persons who hemmed me in signified their
+refined approval, when suddenly the cry was raised, &ldquo;Look out, here comes
+the coppers!&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+This, O my venerable-headed father, I at once guessed to be the announcement
+heralding the collecting-bowl which some over-zealous bystander was preparing
+to pass round on my behalf, doubtless under the impression&mdash;so obtuse in
+grasping the true relationship of events are many of the barbarians&mdash;that
+I was a wandering monk, displaying my reverence for the purpose of mendicancy.
+Not wishing to profit by this offensive misapprehension, I was preparing to
+rise, when a hand was unceremoniously laid upon my shoulder, and turning round
+I saw behind me one of the official watch&mdash;a class of men so powerful that
+at a gesture from their uplifted hands even the fiercest untamed horse will not
+infrequently stand upon its hind legs in mute submission.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Early morning salutations,&rdquo; I said pleasantly, though somewhat
+involved in speech by my exertion (for these persons are ever to be treated
+with discriminating courtesy). &ldquo;Prosperity to your house, O energetic
+street-watcher, and a thousand grandsons to worship their illustrious
+ancestor.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Thanks,&rdquo; he replied concisely. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m a single man. As
+yet. Now then, will you make a way there? Can you stand?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Stand?&rdquo; repeated this person, at once recognising one of the
+important words of inner meaning concerning which he had been initiated by the
+versatile Quang-Tsun. &ldquo;Certainly this person will not hesitate to
+establish his footing if the exaction is thought to be desirable. Let us,
+therefore, bend our steps in the direction of a tea-house of unquestionable
+propriety.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;You&rsquo;ve bent your steps into quite enough tea-houses, as you call
+them, for one day,&rdquo; replied the official with evasive meaning, at the
+same time assisting me to rise (for it need not be denied that the restrained
+position had made me for the moment incapable of a self-sustaining effort).
+&ldquo;Look what you&rsquo;ve done.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At the direction of his glance I cast my eyes along the street, east and west,
+and for the first time I became aware that what I had last seen as a reasonable
+gathering had now taken the proportions of an innumerable multitude which
+filled the entire space of the thoroughfare, while others covered the roofs
+above and protruded themselves from every available window. In our own land the
+interspersal of umbrellas, musical instruments, and banners, with an occasional
+firework, would have given a greater animation to the scene; but with this
+exception I have never taken part in a more impressive and well-extended
+procession. Even while I looked, the helmets of other official watchers
+appeared in the distance, as immature junks upon the storm-tossed Whang-Hai,
+apparently striving fruitlessly to reach us.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+As I was by no means sure what attitude was expected of me, I smiled with an
+all-embracing approval, and signified to the one at my side, by way of passing
+the time pleasurably together, that the likelihood of his nimble-witted friends
+reaching us with unruffled garments was remote in the extreme.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Don&rsquo;t you let that worry you, Li Hung Chang,&rdquo; he said, in a
+tone that had the appearance of being outside itself around a deeper and more
+bitter significance; &ldquo;if we get out again with any garments at all it
+won&rsquo;t be your fault. Why, you&mdash;well, YOU ought to have been put on
+the Black List long ago, by rights.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+This, exalted one, although I have not yet been able to learn the exact dignity
+of it from any of the books of civil honours, is undoubtedly a mark of signal
+attainment, conferred upon the few for distinguishing themselves by some
+particular capacity; as our Double Dragon, for instance. Anxious to learn
+something of the privileges of the rank from one who evidently was not without
+influence in the bestowal, and not unwilling to show him that I was by no means
+of low-caste descent, I said to the official, &ldquo;In his own country one of
+this person&rsquo;s ancestors wore the Decoration of the Yellow Scabbard, which
+entitled him to be carried in his chair up to the gate of the Forbidden Palace
+before descending to touch the ground. Is this Order of the Black List of a
+like purport?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;You&rsquo;re right,&rdquo; he said, &ldquo;it is. In this country it
+entitles you to be carried right inside the door at Bow Street without ever
+touching the ground. Look out! Now we shall not&mdash;&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At that moment what this person at first assumed to be a floral tribute, until
+he saw that not only the entire plant, but the earthenware jar also were
+attached, struck the official upon the helmet, whereupon, drawing a concealed
+club, he ceased speaking.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+How the entertainment was conducted to such a development this person is
+totally inadequate to express; but in an incredibly short space of time the
+scene became one of most entrancing variety. From every visible point around
+the air became filled with commodities which&mdash;though doubtless without set
+intention&mdash;fittingly represented the arts, manufactures, and natural
+history of this resourceful country, all cast in prolific abundance at the feet
+of the official and myself, although the greater part inevitably struck our
+heads and bodies before reaching them. Beyond our immediate circle, as it may
+be expressed, the crowd never ceased to press forward with resistless activity,
+and among it could be seen occasionally the official watchmen advancing
+self-reliantly, though frequently without helmets, and, not less often, the
+helmets advancing without the official watchmen. To add to the acknowledged
+interest, every person present was proclaiming his views freely on a diversity
+of subjects, and above all could be heard the clear notes of the musical
+instruments by which the officials sought to encourage one another in their
+extremity, and to deaden the cries of those whom they outclubbed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Despite this person&rsquo;s repeated protests that the distinction was too
+excessive, he was plucked from hand to hand irresistibly among those around,
+losing a portion of his ill-made attire at each step, so agreeably anxious were
+all to detain him. Just when the exploit seemed likely to have a disagreeable
+ending, however, he was thrust heavily against a door which yielded, and at
+once barring it behind him, he passed across the open space into which it led,
+along a passage between two walls, and thence through an involved labyrinth and
+beneath the waters of a canal into a wood of attractive seclusion. Here this
+person remained, spending the time in a profitable meditation, until the light
+withdrew and the great sky lantern had ascended. Then he cautiously crept
+forth, and after some further trivial episodes which chiefly concern the
+obstinate-headed slave guarding the outer door of a tea-house, an unintelligent
+maiden in the employment of one vending silk-embroidered raiment, the mercenary
+controller of a two-wheeled chariot and the sympathetic and opportune arrival
+of a person seated upon a funeral car, he succeeded in reaching the place of
+his abode.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+With unalterable affection and a material request that an unstinted adequacy of
+new garments may be sent by a sure and speedy hand.
+</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+KONG HO.
+</p>
+
+</div><!--end chapter-->
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2><a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"></a>
+LETTER V</h2>
+
+<p class="letter">
+Concerning the neglect of ancestors and its discreditable consequences. Two who
+state the matter definitely. Concerning the otherside way of looking at things
+and the self-contradictory bearing of the maiden Florence.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Venerated Sire,&mdash;A discovery of overwhelming malignity oppresses me. In
+spite of much baffling ambiguity and the frequent evasion of conscious guilt,
+there can be no longer any reasonable doubt that these barbarians <i>do not
+worship their ancestors!</i>
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Hitherto the matter had rested in my mind as an uneasy breath of suspicion,
+agitated from time to time by countless indications that such a possibility
+might, indeed, exist in a condensed form, but too inauspiciously profane to be
+contemplated in the altogether. Thus, when in the company of the young this
+person has walked about the streets of the city, he may at length have said,
+&ldquo;Truly, out of your amiable condescension, you have shown me a variety of
+entrancing scenes. Let us now in turn visit the tombs of your ancestors, to the
+end that I may transmit fitting gifts to their spirits and discharge a few
+propitious fireworks as a greeting.&rdquo; Yet in no case has this
+well-intentioned offer been agilely received, one asserting that he did not
+know the resting-place of the tombs in question, a second that he had no
+ancestors, a third that Kensal Green was not an entrancing spot for a wet
+afternoon, a fourth that he would see them removed to a greater distance first,
+another that he drew the line at mafficking in a cemetery, and the like. These
+things, it may occur to your omniscience, might in themselves have been
+conclusive, yet the next reference to the matter would perhaps be tending to a
+more alluring hope.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;To-morrow,&rdquo; a person has remarked in the hearing of this one,
+&ldquo;I go to the Stratford which is upon the Avon, and without a pause I
+shall prostrate myself intellectually before the immortal Shakespeare&rsquo;s
+tomb and worship his unequalled memory.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;The intention is benevolently conceived,&rdquo; I remarked. &ldquo;Yet
+has he no descendants, this same Shakespeare, that the conciliation of his
+spirit must be left to chance?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+When he assured me that this calamity had come about, I would have added a
+richly-gilded brick from my store for transmission also, in the hope that the
+neglected and capricious shadow would grant me an immunity from its resentful
+attention, but the one in question raised a barrier of dissent. If I wished to
+adorn a tomb, he added (evading the deeper significance of the act), there was
+that of Goldsmith within its Temple, upon which many impressionable maidens
+from across the Bitter Waters of the West make it a custom to deposit chaplets
+of verses, in the hope of seeing the offering chronicled in the papers; and in
+the Open Space called Trafalgar there were the images of a great captain who
+led many junks to victory and the Emperor of a former dynasty, where doubtless
+the matter could be arranged; but the surrounding had by this time become too
+involved, and this person had no alternative but to smile symmetrically and
+reply that his words were indeed opals falling from a topaz basin.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Later in the day, being desirous of becoming instructed more definitely, I
+addressed myself to a venerable person who makes clean the passage of the way
+at a point not far distant.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;If you have no sons to extend your industrious line,&rdquo; I said, when
+he had revealed this fact to me, &ldquo;why do you not adopt one to that
+end?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+With narrow-minded covetousness, he replied that nowadays he had enough to do
+to keep himself, and that it would be more reasonable to get some one to adopt
+HIM.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;But,&rdquo; I exclaimed, ignoring this ill-timed levity, &ldquo;who,
+when you have Passed Beyond, will worship you and transmit to your spirit the
+necessities of life?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Governor,&rdquo; he replied, using the term of familiar dignity,
+&ldquo;I&rsquo;ve made shift without being worshipped for five and sixty years,
+and it worries me a sight more to know who will transmit to my body the
+necessities of life until I HAVE Passed Beyond.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;The final consequences of your self-opinionated carelessness,&rdquo;
+this person continued, &ldquo;will be that your neglected and unprovided
+shadow, finding itself no longer acceptable to the society of the better class
+demons, will wander forth, and allying itself in despair to the companionship
+of a band of outcasts like itself, will be driven to dwell in unclean
+habitations and to subsist on the uncertain bounty of the charitable.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Very likely,&rdquo; replied the irredeemable person before me. &ldquo;I
+can&rsquo;t help its troubles. I have to do all that myself as it is.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Doubtless this fanaticism contains the secret of the ease with which these
+barbarians have possessed themselves of the greater part of the earth, and have
+even planted their assertive emblems on one or two spots in our own Flowery
+Kingdom. What, O my esteemed parent, what can a brave but devout and
+demon-fearing nation do when opposed to a people who are quite prepared to die
+without first leaving an adequate posterity to tend their shrines and offer
+incense? Assuredly, as a neighbouring philosopher once had occasion to remark,
+using for his purpose a metaphor so technically-involved that I must leave the
+interpretation until we meet, &ldquo;It may be war, but it isn&rsquo;t
+cricket.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The inevitable outcome, naturally, is that the Island must be the
+wandering-place of myriads of spirits possessing no recognised standing, and
+driven by want&mdash;having none to transmit them offerings&mdash;to the most
+degraded subterfuges. It is freely admitted that there is scarcely an ancient
+building not the abode of one or more of these abandoned demons, doubtless
+well-disposed in the first instance, and capable of becoming really beneficent
+Forces until they were driven to despair by obstinate neglect. A society of
+very honourable persons (to which this one has unobtrusively contributed a
+gift), exists for the purpose of searching out the most distressing and
+meritorious cases among them, and removing them, where possible, to a more
+congenial spot. The remarkable fact, to this person&rsquo;s mind, is, that with
+the air and every available space around absolutely packed with demons (as
+certainly must be the prevailing state of things), the manifestations of their
+malignity and vice are, if anything, rather less evident here than in our own
+favoured country, where we do all in our power to satisfy their wants.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+That same evening I found myself seated next to a maiden of prepossessing
+vivacity, who was spoken of as being one of a kindred but not identical race.
+Filled with the incredible profanity of those around, and hoping to find among
+a nation so alluringly high-spirited a more congenial elevation of mind, I at
+length turned to her and said, &ldquo;Do not regard the question as one of
+unworthy curiosity, for this person&rsquo;s inside is white and funereal with
+his fears; but do you, of your allied race, worship your ancestors?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The maiden spent a moment in conscientious thought. &ldquo;No, Mr. Kong,&rdquo;
+she replied, with a most commendable sigh of unfeigned regret, &ldquo;I
+can&rsquo;t say that we do. I guess it&rsquo;s because we&rsquo;re too new.
+Mine, now, only go back two generations, and they were mostly in lard. If they
+were old and baronial it might be different, but I can&rsquo;t imagine myself
+worshipping an ancestor in lard.&rdquo; (This doubtless refers to some barbaric
+method of embalming.)
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;And your wide and enlightened countrymen?&rdquo; I asked, unable to
+restrain a passion of pure-bred despair. &ldquo;Do they also so regard the
+obligation?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;I am afraid so,&rdquo; replied the maiden, with an honourable indication
+towards my emotion. &ldquo;But of course when a girl marries into the European
+aristocracy, she and all her folk worship her husband&rsquo;s ancestors, until
+every one about is fairly dizzy with the subject.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It is largely owing to the graceful and virtuous conversation of these lesser
+ones that this person&rsquo;s knowledge of the exact position which the
+ceremonial etiquette of the country demands on various occasions is becoming so
+proficiently enlarged. It is true that they of my own sex do not hesitate to
+inquire with penetrating assiduousness into certain of the manners and customs
+of our land, but these for the most part do not lead to a conversation in any
+way profitable to my discreeter understanding. Those of the inner chamber, on
+the other hand, while not scrupling to question me on the details of dress, the
+braiding and gumming of the hair, the style and variety of the stalls of
+merchants, the wearing of jade, gold, and crystal ornaments and flowers about
+the head, smoking, and other matters affecting our lesser ones, very
+magnanimously lead my contemplation back to a more custom-established topic if
+by any hap in my ambitious ignorance I outstep it.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+In such a manner it chanced on a former occasion that I sat side by side with a
+certain maiden awaiting the return of others who had withdrawn for a period.
+The season was that of white rains, and the fire being lavishly extended about
+the grate we had harmoniously arranged ourselves before it, while this person,
+at the repeated and explicit encouragement of the maiden, spoke openly of such
+details of the inner chamber as he has already indicated.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Is it true, Mr. Ho&rdquo; (thus the maiden, being unacquainted with the
+actual facts, consistently addressed me), &ldquo;that ladies&rsquo; feet are
+relentlessly compressed until they finally assume the proportions and
+appearance of two bulbs?&rdquo; and as she spoke she absent-mindedly regarded
+her own slippers, which were out-thrust somewhat to receive the action of the
+fire.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;It is a matter which cannot reasonably be denied,&rdquo; I replied;
+&ldquo;and it is doubtless owing to this effect that they are designated
+&lsquo;Golden Lilies.&rsquo; Yet when this observance has been slowly and
+painfully accomplished, the extremities in question are not less small but
+infinitely less graceful than the select and naturally-formed pair which this
+person sees before him.&rdquo; And at the ingeniously-devised compliment
+(which, not to become large-headed in self-imagination, it must be admitted was
+revealed to me as available for practically all occasions by the really
+invaluable Quang-Tsun), I bowed unremittingly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;O, Mr. Ho!&rdquo; exclaimed the maiden, and paused abruptly at the sound
+of her words, as though they were inept.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;In many other ways a comparison equally irreproachable to the exalted
+being at my side might be sought out,&rdquo; I continued, suddenly forming the
+ill-destined judgment that I was no less competent than the more experienced
+Quang-Tsun to contrive delicate offerings of speech. &ldquo;Their hair is rope
+like in its lack of spontaneous curve, their eyes as deficient in lustre as a
+half-shuttered window; their hands are exceedingly inferior in colour, and both
+on the left side, as it may be expressed; their legs&mdash;&rdquo; but at this
+point the maiden drew herself so hastily into herself that I had no alternative
+but to conclude that unless I reverted in some way the enterprise was in peril
+of being inharmoniously conducted.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Mr. Ho,&rdquo; said the maiden, after contemplating her inward thoughts
+for a moment, &ldquo;you are a foreigner, and you cannot be expected to know by
+instinct what may and what may not be openly expressed in this country.
+Therefore, although the obligation is not alluring, I think it kinder to tell
+you that the matters which formed the subject of your last words are never to
+be referred to.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At this rebuke I again bowed persistently, for it did not appear reasonable to
+me that I could in any other way declare myself without violating the imposed
+command.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Not only are they never openly referred to,&rdquo; continued the maiden,
+who in spite of the declared no allurement of the subject did not seem disposed
+to abandon it at once, &ldquo;but among the most select they are, by unspoken
+agreement, regarded as &lsquo;having no actual existence,&rsquo; as you
+yourself would say.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Yet,&rdquo; protested this person, somewhat puzzled, &ldquo;to one who
+has witnessed the highly-achieved attitudes of those within your Halls of
+Harmony, and in an unyielding search for knowledge has addressed himself even
+to the advertisement pages of the ladies&rsquo; papers&mdash;&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The maiden waved her hand magnanimously. &ldquo;In your land, as you have told
+me, there are many things, not really existing, which for politeness you assume
+to be. In a like but converse manner this is to be so regarded.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+I thanked her voluminously. &ldquo;The etiquette of this country is as involved
+as the spoken tongue,&rdquo; I said, &ldquo;for both are composed chiefly of
+exceptions to a given rule. It was formerly impressed upon this person, as a
+guiding principle, that that which is unseen is not to be discussed; yet it is
+not held in disrepute to allude to so intimate and secluded an organ as the
+heart, for no further removed than yesterday he heard the deservedly popular
+sea-lieutenant in the act of declaring to you, upon his knees, that you were
+utterly devoid of such a possession.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At this inoffensively-conveyed suggestion, the fire opposite had all the
+appearance of suddenly reflecting itself into the maiden&rsquo;s face with a
+most engaging concentration, while at the same time she stamped her foot in
+ill-concealed rage.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;You&rsquo;ve been listening at the door!&rdquo; she cried impetuously,
+&ldquo;and I shall never forgive you.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;To no extent,&rdquo; I declared hastily (for although I had indeed been
+listening at the door, it appeared, after the weight which she set upon the
+incident, more honourable that I should deny it in order to conciliate her
+mind). &ldquo;It so chanced that for the moment this person had forgotten
+whether the handle he was grasping was of the push-out or turn-in variety, and
+in the involvement a few words of no particular or enduring significance
+settled lightly upon his perception.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;In that case,&rdquo; she replied in high-souled liberality, while her
+eyes scintillated towards me with a really all-overpowering radiance, &ldquo;I
+will forgive you.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;We have an old but very appropriate saying, &lsquo;To every man the
+voice of one maiden carries further than the rolling of thunder,&rsquo;&rdquo;
+I remarked in a significantly restrained tone; for, although conscious that the
+circumstance was becoming more menace-laden than I had any previous intention,
+I found myself to be incapable of extrication. &ldquo;Florence&mdash;&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Oh,&rdquo; she exclaimed quickly, raising her polished hand with an
+undeniable gesture of reproof, &ldquo;you must not call me by my christian
+name, Mr. Ho.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Yet,&rdquo; replied this person, with a confessedly stubborn inelegance,
+&ldquo;you call me by the name of Ho.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Her eyes became ox-like in an utter absence of almond outline.
+&ldquo;Yes,&rdquo; she said gazing, &ldquo;but that&mdash;that is not your
+christian name, is it?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;In a position of speaking&mdash;this one being as a matter of fact a
+discreditable follower of the sublime Confucius&mdash;it may be so
+regarded,&rdquo; I answered, &ldquo;inasmuch as it is the milk-name of
+childhood.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;But you always put it last,&rdquo; she urged.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Assuredly,&rdquo; I replied. &ldquo;Being irrevocably born with the
+family name of Kong, it is thought more reasonable that that should stand
+first. After that, others are attached as the various contingencies demand it,
+as Ho upon participating in the month-age feast, the book-name of Tsin at a
+later period, Paik upon taking a degree, and so forth.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;I am very sorry, Mr. Kong,&rdquo; said the maiden, adding, with what at
+the time certainly struck this person as shallow-witted prejudice. &ldquo;Of
+course it is really quite your own fault for being so tospy-turvily arranged in
+every way. But, to return to the subject, why should not one speak of
+one&rsquo;s heart?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Because,&rdquo; replied this person, colouring deeply, and scarcely able
+to control his unbearable offence that so irreproachably-moulded a creature
+should openly refer to the detail, &ldquo;because it is a gross and unrefined
+particular, much more internal and much less pleasantly-outlined than those
+extremities whose spoken equivalent shall henceforth be an abandoned word from
+my lips.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;But, in any case, it is not the actual organ that one infers,&rdquo;
+protested the maiden. &ldquo;As the seat of the affections, passions, virtues,
+and will, it is the conventional emblem of every thought and emotion.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;By no means,&rdquo; I cried, forgetting in the face of so heterodox an
+assertion that it would be well to walk warily at every point. &ldquo;That is
+the stomach.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Ah!&rdquo; exclaimed the maiden, burying her face in a
+gracefully-perfumed remnant of lace, to so overwhelming a degree that for the
+moment I feared she might become involved in the dizzy falling. &ldquo;Never,
+by any mischance, use that word again in the society of the presentable, Mr.
+Kong.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;The ceremonial usage of my own land of the Heavenly Dynasty is
+proverbially elaborate,&rdquo; I said, with a gesture of self-abasement,
+&ldquo;but in comparison with yours it may be regarded as an undeviating walk
+when opposed to a stately and many-figured dance. Among the company of the
+really excessively select (in which must ever be included the one whom I am now
+addressing), it becomes difficult for an outcast of my illimitable obtuseness
+to move to one side or the other without putting his foot into that.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Oh no,&rdquo; exclaimed the maiden, in fragrant encouragement, &ldquo;I
+think you are getting on very nicely, Mr. Kong, and one does not look for
+absolute conformance from a foreigner&mdash;especially one who is so extremely
+foreign. If I can help you with anything&mdash;of course I could not even speak
+as I have done to an ordinary stranger, but with one of a distant race it seems
+different&mdash;if I can tell you anything that will save you&mdash;&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;You are all-exalted,&rdquo; I replied, with seemly humility, &ldquo;and
+virtue and wisdom press out your temples on either side. Certainly, since I
+have learned that the heart is so poetically regarded, I have been assailed by
+a fear lest other organs which I have hitherto despised might be used in a
+similar way. Now, as regards liver&mdash;&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;It is only used with bacon,&rdquo; replied the maiden, rising abruptly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Kidneys?&rdquo; suggested this person diffidently, really anxious to
+detain her footsteps, although from her expression it did not rest assured that
+the incident was taking an actually auspicious movement.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;I don&rsquo;t think you need speak of those except at breakfast,&rdquo;
+she said; &ldquo;but I hear the others returning, and I must really go to dress
+for dinner.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Among the barbarians many keep books wherein to inscribe their deep and
+beautiful thoughts. This person had therefore provided himself with one also,
+and, drawing it forth, he now added to a page of many other interesting
+compositions: &ldquo;Maidens of immaculate refinement do not hesitate to admit
+before a person of a different sex that they are on the point of changing their
+robes. The liver is in some intricate way an emblem representing bacon, or
+together with it the two stand for a widely differing analogy. Among those of
+the highest exclusiveness kidneys are never alluded to after the tenth
+gong-stroke of the morning.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+With a sincerely ingrained trust that the scenes of dignity, opulence, and
+wisdom, set forth in these superficial letters, are not unsettling your
+intellect and causing you to yearn for a fuller existence.
+</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+KONG HO.
+</p>
+
+</div><!--end chapter-->
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2><a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"></a>
+LETTER VI</h2>
+
+<p class="letter">
+Concerning this person&rsquo;s well-sustained efforts to discover further
+demons. The behaviour of those invoked on two occasions.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Venerated Sire,&mdash;In an early letter I made some reference to a variety of
+demon invoked by certain of the barbarians. As this matter aroused your
+congenial interest, I have since privately bent my mind incessantly to the
+discovery of others; but this has been by no means easy, for, touching the more
+intimate details of the subject, the barbarians frequently maintain a
+narrow-minded suspicion. Many whom I have approached feign to become amused or
+have evaded a deliberate answer under the subterfuge of a jest; yet, whenever I
+would have lurked by night in their temples or among the enclosed spaces of
+their tombs to learn more, at a given signal one in authority has approached me
+with anxiety and mistrust engraved upon his features, and, disregarding my
+unassuming protest that I would remain alone in a contemplative reverie, has
+signified that so devout an exercise is contrary to their written law.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+On one occasion only did this person seem to hold himself poised on the very
+edge of a fuller enlightenment. This was when, in the venerable company of
+several benevolent persons, he was being taken from place to place to see the
+more important buildings, and to observe the societies of artificers labouring
+at their crafts. The greater part of the day had already been spent in visiting
+temples, open spaces reserved to children and those whose speech, appearance,
+and general manner of behaving make it desirable that they should be set apart
+from the contact of the impressionable, halls containing relics and emblems of
+the past, places of no particular size or attraction but described as being of
+unparalleled historic interest, and the stalls of the more reputable venders of
+merchandise.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Doubtless, with observing so many details of a conflicting nature, this
+person&rsquo;s discriminating faculties had become obscured, but towards
+evening he certainly understood that we sought the company of an assembly of
+those who had been selected from all the Empire to pronounce definitely upon
+matters of supreme import. The building before which our chariot stopped had
+every appearance of being worthy of so exceptional a gathering, and with a most
+affluent joy that I should at last be able to glean a decisive pronouncement, I
+evaded those who had accompanied me, and, mingling self-reliantly with the
+throng inside, I quickly surrounded myself with many of the wisest-looking, and
+begged that they would open their heads freely and express their innermost
+opinions upon the subject of demons of all kinds.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Although I had admittedly hoped that these persons would not conceal themselves
+behind the wings of epigram or intangible prevarication, I was far from being
+prepared for the candour with which they greeted me, and although by long usage
+I am reasonably unconcerned at the proximity of any of our own recognised
+genii, it is not to be denied that my organs of ferocity grew small and
+unstable at the revelations.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+From their words it appeared that the spot on which we stood had long been the
+recognised centre and meeting-place for every class of abandoned and
+objectionable spirit of the universe. Not only this, but several of the persons
+who had gathered around were confidently pointed out as the earthly embodiment
+of various diabolical Forces, while others cheerfully admitted that they
+themselves were the shadows of certain illustrious ones who had long Passed
+Above, and all united in declaring that those who moved among them wearing the
+distinction of a dark blue uniform were Evil Beings of a most ghoulish and
+repulsive type. Indeed, as I looked more closely, I could see that not only
+those pointed out, but all standing around, had expressions immeasurably more
+in keeping with a band of outcast spirits than suggestive of an assembly
+representing wisdom and dignified ease. At that moment, however, a most
+inelegant movement was caused by one suddenly declaring that he had recognised
+this one who is inscribing his experiences to be the apparition of a certain
+great reformer who during the period of his ordinary existence had received the
+name of Guy Fawkes, and amid a tumult of overwhelming acclamation a proposal
+was raised that I should be carried around in triumph and afterwards initiated
+into the observance of a time-honoured custom. Although it had now become
+doubtful to what end the adventure was really tending, this person would have
+submitted himself agreeably to the participation had not the blue-apparelled
+band cleft their way into the throng just as I was about to be borne off in
+triumph, and forming themselves into a ringed barrier around me they presently
+succeeded in rearranging the contending elements and in restoring me to the
+society of my friends. To these persons they complained with somewhat
+unreasoning acrimony that I had been exciting the inmates into a state of
+rebellion with wild imaginings, and for the first time I then began to
+understand that an important error had been perpetrated by some one, and that
+instead of being a meeting-place for those upholding the wisdom and authority
+of the country, the building was in reality an establishment for the mentally
+defective and those of treacherous instincts.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+For some time after this occurrence I failed to regard the subject of demons
+and allied Forces in any but a spirit of complete no enthusiasm, but more
+recently my interest and research have been enlarged by the zeal and
+supernatural conversation of a liberal-minded person who sought my prosaic
+society with indefatigable persistence. When we had progressed to such a length
+that the one might speak of affairs without the other at once interposing that
+he himself had also unfortunately come out quite destitute of money, this
+stranger, who revealed to me that his name was Glidder, but that in the company
+of a certain chosen few he was known intimately as the Keeper of the Salograma,
+approached me confidentially, and inquired whether we of our Central Kingdom
+were in the habit of receiving manifestations from the spirits of those who had
+Passed Beyond.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At the unassumed ingenuousness of this remark I suffered my impassiveness to
+relax, as I replied with well-established pride that although a country which
+neglected its ancestors might doubtless be able to produce more of the ordinary
+or graveyard spectres, we were unapproachable for the diverse forms and
+malignant enmity of our apparitions. Of invisible beings alone, I continued
+tolerantly, we had the distinction of being harassed by upwards of seven
+hundred clearly-defined varieties, while the commoner inflictions of demons,
+shades, visions, warlocks, phantoms, sprites, imps, phenomena, ghosts, and
+reflections passed almost without comment; and touching our admitted national
+speciality of dragons, the honour of supremacy had never been questioned.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At this, the agreeable person said that the pleasure he derived from meeting me
+was all-excelling, and that I must certainly accompany him to a meeting-place
+of this same chosen few the following evening, when, by the means of sacred
+expedients, they hoped to invoke the presence of some departed spirits, and
+perchance successfully raise a tangible vision or two. To so fair-minded a
+proposal I held myself acquiescently, and then inquired where the meeting-place
+in question was destined to be&mdash;whether in a ruined and abandoned
+sanctuary, or upon some precipitous spot of desolation.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The inquiry was gracefully intended, but a passing cloud of unworthy annoyance
+revealed itself upon the upper part of the other&rsquo;s expression as he
+replied, &ldquo;We, the true seekers, despise theatrical accessories, and, as a
+matter of fact, I couldn&rsquo;t well get away from the office in time to go
+anywhere far. To-morrow we meet at my place in the Camden Road. It&rsquo;s only
+a three-half-penny tram stage from the Euston and Tottenham Court corner, so it
+couldn&rsquo;t be much more convenient for you.&rdquo; He thereupon gave me an
+inscribed fragment of paper and mentioned the appointed hour.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;I&rsquo;ll tell you why I am particularly anxious for you to come
+to-morrow,&rdquo; he said as we were each departing from one another.
+&ldquo;Pash&mdash;he&rsquo;s the Reader of the Veda among us&mdash;and his
+people have got hold of a Greek woman (they SAY she is a princess, of course),
+who can do a lot of things with flowers and plate glass. They are bringing her
+for the first time to-morrow, and it struck me that if I have YOU there already
+when they arrive&mdash;you&rsquo;ll come in your national costume by the
+way?&mdash;it will be a considerable set-off. Since his daughter was presented
+to the duchess at the opening of a bazaar, there has been no holding Pash; why
+he was ever elected Reader of the Books, I don&rsquo;t know. Er&mdash;we have
+had scoffers sometimes, but I trust I may rely upon you not to laugh at
+anything you may not happen to agree with?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+With conscientious dignity I replied that I had only really laughed seven times
+in my life, and therefore the entertainment was one which I was not likely to
+embark upon hastily or with inadequate cause. He immediately expressed a seemly
+regret that the detail had been spoken, and again assuring him that at the
+stated hour I would present myself at the house bearing the symbol engraved
+upon the card, we definitely parted.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+That, as a matter of fact, I did not so present myself at the exact hour,
+chiefly concerns the uncouth and arbitrary-minded charioteer who controlled the
+movements of the vehicle to which the one whom I was seeking had explicitly
+referred; for at an angle in the road he suffered the horses to draw us aside
+into a path which did not correspond to the engraved signs upon the card, nor
+by any word of persuasion could he be prevailed upon to return.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Thus, without any possible reproach upon the manner in which I was conducting
+the enterprise, it came about that by the time I reached the spot indicated,
+all those persons who had been spoken of as constituting a chosen band were
+assembled, and with them the barbarian princess. Nevertheless, this person was
+irreproachably greeted, and the maiden indicated even spoke a few words to him
+in an outside tongue. Being necessarily unacquainted with the import of the
+remark I spread out my hands with a sign of harmonious sympathy and smiled
+agreeably, whereat she appeared to receive an added esteem from the faces of
+those around (excluding those directly of the House of Glidder), and was
+thereby encouraged to speak similarly at intervals, this person each time
+replying in a like fashion.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Is he then a Guide of the Way, also, princess?&rdquo; said the one Pash,
+who had noted the occurrence; to which the maiden replied, &ldquo;To a degree,
+yet lacking the Innermost Mysteries.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Presently it was announced that all things were fittingly prepared in another
+chamber. Here, upon a table of polished wood, stood on the one side a round
+stone with certain markings, a group of inscribed books, and various other
+emblems; and on the other side a bowl of water, a sphere of crystal, pieces of
+unwritten parchment, and behind all, and at a distance away, a sheet of
+transparent glass, greater in height than an ordinary person and as wide. When
+all were seated&mdash;the one who had enticed me among them placing himself
+before the stone, the person Pash guarding the books, the barbarian princess
+being surrounded by her symbols and alone in a self-imposed solitude, and the
+others at various points&mdash;the lights were subdued and the appearances
+awaited.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It would scarcely be respectful, O my enlightened father, to take up your
+well-spent leisure by a too prolific account of the matters which followed,
+they being in no way dissimilar from the manifestations by which the
+uninitiated little ones of Yuen-ping are wont to amuse themselves and pass the
+winter evenings. From time to time harmonious sounds could be plainly detected,
+flowers and branches of wood were scattered sparsely here and there, persons
+claimed that passing objects had touched their faces, and misshapen forms of
+smoke-like density (which some confidently recognised as the outlines of
+departed ones whom they had known), revealed themselves against the glass. When
+this had been accomplished, the lights were recalled, and the barbarian maiden,
+sinking into a condition of languor, announced and foretold events and
+happenings upon which she was consulted, sometimes replying by spoken words, at
+others suffering her hand to trace them lightly upon the parchment sheets.
+Thus, to an inquirer it was announced that one, Aunt Mary, in the Upper Air,
+was well and happy, though undeniably pained at the action of Cousin William in
+the matter of the freehold houses, and more than sceptical how his marriage
+would turn out. Another was advised that although the interest on Consols was
+admittedly lower than that anticipated by those controlling the destines of a
+new venture entitled, The Great Rosy Dawn Gold Mine Development Syndicate, and
+the name certainly less poetically inspiring, the advising spirits were of the
+opinion that the former enterprise would prove the more stable of the two, and,
+in any case, they recommended the person in question to begin by placing not
+more than half of her life&rsquo;s savings into the mine. The family of the
+House of Pash was assured that beneficent spirits surrounded them at every
+turn, and that their good deeds were not suffered to fall unfruitfully to the
+ground; while many bearing the name of Glidder, on the other hand, were
+reproved by one who had known them in infancy for the offences of jealousy,
+ostentation, vain thoughts, shallowness of character, and the like.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At length, revered, as there seemed to be no reasonable indication of any
+barbarian phantom of weight or authority appearing&mdash;nothing, indeed,
+beyond what a person in our country, of no admitted skill, would accomplish in
+the penetrating light of day with two others holding his hands, and a third
+reposing upon his head, I formed the perhaps immature judgment that the one to
+whom I was indebted for the entertainment would be suffering a grievous
+frustration of his hopes and a diminution of his outward authority. Therefore,
+without sufficient consideration of the restricted surroundings, as it
+afterwards appeared, I threw myself into a retrospective vision, and floating
+unencumbered through space, I sought for Kwan Kiang-ti, the Demon of the
+Waters, upon whom I might fittingly call, as I was given into his keeping by
+the ceremony of spirit-adoption at an early age. Meeting an influence which I
+recognised to be an indication of his presence, in the vicinity of the Eighth
+Region, I obsequiously entreated that he would reveal himself without delay,
+and then, convinced of his sympathetic intervention, I suffered my spirit to
+recall itself, and revived into the condition of an ordinary existence.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;We have among us this evening, my friends,&rdquo; the one Pash was
+saying, &ldquo;a very remarkable lady&mdash;if I may use so democratic a term
+in the connection&mdash;to whom the limits of Time and Space are empty words,
+and before whose supreme Will the most portentous Forces of Occult Nature
+mutely confess themselves her attending slaves&mdash;&rdquo; But at that moment
+the rolling drums of Kiang-ti&rsquo;s thunder drowned his words, although he
+subsequently raised his voice above it to entreat that any knives or other
+articles of a bright and attractive kind should at once be removed to a place
+of safety.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Heralded by these continuous sounds, and accompanied by innumerable flashes of
+lightning, the genius presently manifested himself, leisurely developing out of
+the air around. He appeared in his favourite guise of an upright dragon, his
+scales being arranged in rows of nine each way, a pearl showing within his
+throat, and upon his head the wooden bar. The lights were extinguished
+incapably by the rain which fell continually in his presence, but from his body
+there proceeded a luminous breath which sufficiently revealed the various
+incidents.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Kong Ho,&rdquo; said this opportune vision, speaking with a voice like
+the beating of a brass gong, &ldquo;the course you have adopted is an unusual
+one, but the weight and regularity of your offerings have merit in my eyes.
+Nevertheless, if your invocation is only the outcome of a shallow vanity or a
+profane love of display, nothing can save you from a painful death. Speak now,
+fully and without evasion, and fear nothing.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Amiable Being,&rdquo; said this person, kow-towing profoundly,
+&ldquo;the matter was designed to the end only that your incomparable
+versatility might be fittingly displayed. These barbarians sought vainly to
+raise phantoms capable of any useful purpose, whereupon I, jealous of your
+superior omnipotence, judged it would be an unseemly neglect not to inform you
+of the opportunity.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;It is well,&rdquo; said the demon affably. &ldquo;All doubt in the
+matter shall now be set at rest. Could any more convincing act be found than
+that I should breath upon these barbarians and reduce them instantly to a
+scattering of thin white ashes?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Assuredly it would be a conclusive testimony,&rdquo; I replied;
+&ldquo;yet in that case consider how inadequate a witness could be borne to
+your enlightened condescension, when none would be left but one to whom the
+spoken language of this Island is more in the nature of a trap than a
+comfortable vehicle.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Your reasoning is profound, Kong Ho,&rdquo; he replied, &ldquo;yet
+abundant proof shall not be wanting.&rdquo; With these words he raised his
+hand, and immediately the air became filled with an overwhelming shower of
+those productions with which Kwan Kiang-ti&rsquo;s name is chiefly
+associated&mdash;shells and pebbles of all kinds, lotus and other roots from
+the river banks, weeds from seas of greater depths, fish of interminable
+variety from both fresh and bitter waters, all falling in really embarrassing
+abundance, and mingled with an incessant rain of sand and water. In the midst
+of this the demon suddenly passed away, striking the table as he went, so that
+it was scarred with the brand of a five-clawed hand, shattering all the objects
+upon it (excepting the stone and the books, which he doubtless regarded as
+sacred to some extent), and leaving the room involved in a profound darkness.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;For the love av the saints&mdash;for the love av the saints, save us
+from the yellow devils!&rdquo; exclaimed a voice from the spot where last the
+barbarian princess had reclined, and upon this person going to her assistance
+with lights it was presently revealed that she alone had remained seated, the
+others having all assembled themselves beneath the table in spite of the
+incapability of the space at their disposal. Most of the weightier evidences of
+Kwan Kiang-ti&rsquo;s majestic presence had faded away, though the table
+retained the print of his impressive hand, many objects remained irretrievably
+torn apart, and in a distant corner of the room an insignificant heap of shells
+and seaweed still lingered. From the floor covering a sprinkling of the purest
+Fuh-chow sand rose at every step, the salt dew of the Tung-Hai still dropped
+from the surroundings, and, at a later period, a shore crab was found
+endeavouring to make its escape undetected.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Convinced that the success of the manifestation would have enlarged the one
+Glidder&rsquo;s esteem towards me to an inexpressible degree, I now approached
+him with words of self-deprecation ready on my tongue, but before he spoke I
+became aware, from the nature of his glance, that the provision had been
+unnecessary, for already his face had begun to assume, to a most distended
+amount, the expression which I had long recognised as a synonym that some
+detail had been regarded at a different angle from that anticipated.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;May I ask,&rdquo; he began in a somewhat heavily-laden voice, after he
+had assured himself that the person who was speaking was himself, and his
+external attributes unchanged, &ldquo;May I ask, sir&rdquo; (and at this title,
+which is untranslatable in its many-sided significance when technically
+employed, I recognised that all complimentary intercourse might be regarded as
+having closed), &ldquo;whether you accept the responsibility of these
+proceedings?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Touching the appearance which has so essentially contributed to the
+success of the occasion, it is undeniably due to this one&rsquo;s
+foresight,&rdquo; I replied modestly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Then let me tell you, sir, that I consider it an outrage&mdash;a
+dastardly outrage.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Yet,&rdquo; protested this person with retiring assertiveness,
+&ldquo;the expressed object of the ceremony, as it stood before my
+intelligence, was for the set purpose of invoking spirits and raising certain
+visions.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Spirits!&rdquo; exclaimed the one before me with an accent of
+concentrated aversion; &ldquo;yes, spirits; impalpable, civilised, genuine
+spirits, who manifest themselves through recognised media, and are conformable
+to the usages of the best drawing-room society&mdash;yes. But not demons, sir;
+not Chinese devils in the Camden Road&mdash;no. Truth and Light at any cost,
+not paganism. It&rsquo;s perfectly scandalous. Look at the mahogany
+table&mdash;ruined; look at the wall-paper&mdash;conventional mackerels with a
+fishing-net background, new this spring&mdash;soused; look at the Brussels
+carpet, seventeen six by twenty-five&mdash;saturated!&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;I quite agree with you, Mr. Glidder,&rdquo; here interposed the
+individual Pash. &ldquo;I was watching you, sir, closely the whole time, and I
+have my suspicions about how it was done. I don&rsquo;t know whether Mr.
+Glidder has any legal redress, but I should certainly advise him to see his
+solicitors to-morrow, and in the meantime&mdash;&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;He is my guest,&rdquo; exclaimed the one whose hospitality I was
+enjoying, &ldquo;and while he is beneath my roof he is sacred.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;But I do not think that it would be kind to detain him any longer in his
+wet things,&rdquo; said another of the household, with pointed malignity, and
+accepting this as an omen of departure, I withdrew myself, bowing repeatedly,
+but offering no closer cordiality.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Through a torn sleeve one drops a purse of gold,&rdquo; it is well said;
+and as if to prove to a deeper end that misfortune is ever double-handed, this
+incapable being, involved in thoughts of funereal density, bent his footsteps
+to an inaccurate turning, and after much wandering was compelled to pass the
+night upon a desolate heath&mdash;but that would be the matter of another
+narrative.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+With an insidious doubt whether, after all, the far-seeing Kwan
+Kiang-ti&rsquo;s first impulse would not have been the most satisfactory
+conclusion to the enterprise.
+</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+KONG HO.
+</p>
+
+</div><!--end chapter-->
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2><a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"></a>
+LETTER VII</h2>
+
+<p class="letter">
+Concerning warfare, both as waged by ourselves and by a nation devoid of true
+civilisation. The aged man and the meeting and the parting of our ways. The
+instance of the one who expressed emotion by leaping.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Venerated Sire,&mdash;You are omniscient, but I cannot regard the fear which
+you express in your beautifully-written letter, bearing the sign of the
+eleventh day of the seventh moon, as anything more than the imaginings prompted
+by a too-lavish supper of your favourite shark&rsquo;s fin and peanut oil.
+Unless the dexterously-elusive attributes of the genial-spoken persons high in
+office at Pekin have deteriorated contemptibly since this one&rsquo;s
+departure, it is quite impossible for our great and enlightened Empire to be
+drawn into a conflict with the northern barbarians whom you indicate, against
+our will. When the matter becomes urgent, doubtless a prince of the Imperial
+line will loyally suffer himself to Pass Above, and during the period of
+ceremonial mourning for so pure and exalted an official it would indeed be an
+unseemly desecration to engage in any public business. If this failed, and an
+ultimatum were pressed with truly savage contempt for all that is sacred and
+refined, it might be well next to consider the health even of the sublime
+Emperor himself (or, perhaps better, that of the select and ever-present
+Dowager Empress); but should the barbarians still advance, and, setting the
+usages of civilised warfare at defiance, threaten an engagement in the midst of
+this unparalleled calamity, there will be no alternative but to have a
+formidable rebellion in the Capital. All the barbarian powers will then
+assemble as usual, and in the general involvement none dare move alone, and
+everything will have to be regarded as being put back to where it was before.
+It is well said, &ldquo;The broken vessel can never be made whole, but it may
+be delicately arranged so that another shall displace it.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+These barbarians, less resourceful in device, have only recently emerged from a
+conflict into which they do not hesitate to admit they were drawn despite their
+protests. Such incompetence is characteristic of their methods throughout. Not
+in any way disguising their purpose, they at once sent out an army of those
+whom could be the readiest seized, certainly furnishing them with weapons,
+charms to use in case of emergency, and three-coloured standards (their
+adversaries adopting a white banner to symbolise the conciliation of their
+attitude, and displaying both freely in every extremity), but utterly
+neglecting to teach them the arts of painting their bodies with awe-inspiring
+forms, of imitating the cries of wild animals as they attacked, of clashing
+their weapons together with menacing vigour, or any of the recognised artifices
+by which terror may be struck into the ranks of an awaiting foeman. The result
+was that which the prudent must have foreseen. The more accomplished enemy,
+without exposing themselves to any unnecessary inconvenience, gained many
+advantages by their intrepid power of dissimulation&mdash;arranging their
+garments and positions in such a way that they had the appearance of attacking
+when in reality they were effecting a prudent retreat; rapidly concealing
+themselves among the earth on the approach of an overwhelming force; becoming
+openly possessed with the prophetic vision of an assured final victory whenever
+it could be no longer concealed that matters were becoming very desperate
+indeed; and gaining an effective respite when all other ways of extrication
+were barred against them by the stratagem of feigning that they were other than
+those whom they had at first appeared to be.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+In the meantime the adventure was not progressing pleasantly for those chiefly
+concerned at home. With the earliest tidings of repulse it was discovered that
+in the haste of embarkation the wrong persons had been sent, all those who were
+really the fittest to command remaining behind, and many of these did not
+hesitate to write to the printed papers, resolutely admitting that they
+themselves were in every way better qualified to bring the expedition to a
+successful end, at the same time skilfully pointing out how the disasters which
+those in the field had incurred could easily have been avoided by acting in a
+precisely contrary manner.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+In the emergency the most far-seeing recommended a more unbending policy of
+extermination. Among these, one in particular, a statesman bearing an
+illustrious name of two-edged import, distinguished himself by the liberal
+broad-mindedness of his opinions, and for the time he even did not flinch from
+making himself excessively unpopular by the wide and sweeping variety of his
+censure. &ldquo;We are confessedly a barbarian nation,&rdquo; fearlessly
+declared this unprejudiced person (who, although entitled by hereditary right
+to carry a banner on the field of battle, with patriotic self-effacement
+preferred to remain at home and encourage those who were fighting by pointing
+out their inadequacy to the task and the extreme unlikelihood of their ever
+accomplishing it), &ldquo;and in order to achieve our purpose speedily it is
+necessary to resort to the methods of barbarism.&rdquo; The most effective
+measure, as he proceeded to explain with well-thought-out detail, would be to
+capture all those least capable of resistance, concentrate them into a given
+camp, and then at an agreed signal reduce the entire assembly to what he
+termed, in a passage of high-minded eloquence, &ldquo;a smoking hecatomb of
+women and children.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+His advice was pointed with a crafty insight, for not only would such a course
+have brought the stubborn enemy to a realisation of the weakness of their
+position and thus paved the way to a dignified peace, but by the act itself few
+would have been left to hand down the tradition of a relentless antagonism. Yet
+with incredible obtuseness his advice was ignored and he himself was referred
+to at the time by those who regarded the matter from a different angle, with a
+scarcely-veiled dislike, which towards many of his followers took the form of
+building materials and other dissentient messages whenever they attempted to
+raise their voices publicly. As an inevitable result the conquest of the
+country took years, where it would have been moons had the more truly humane
+policy been adopted, commerce and the arts languished, and in the end so little
+spoil was taken that it was more common to meet six mendicants wearing the
+honourable embellishment of the campaign than to see one captured slave maiden
+offered for sale in the market places&mdash;indeed, even to this day the
+deficiency is clearly admitted and openly referred to as The Great
+&ldquo;Domestic&rdquo; Problem.
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>
+At various times during my residence here I have been filled with a most acute
+gratification when the words of those around have seemed to indicate that they
+recognised the undoubted superiority of the laws and institutions of our
+enlightened country. Sometimes, it is true, upon a more detailed investigation
+of the incident, it has presently appeared that either I had misunderstood the
+exact nature of their sentiments or they had slow-wittedly failed to grasp the
+precise operation of the enactment I had described; but these exceptions are
+clearly the outcome of their superficial training, and do not affect the fact
+my feeble and frequently even eccentric arguments are at length certainly
+moving the more intelligent into an admission of what constitutes true justice
+and refinement. It is not to be denied that here and there exists a prejudice
+against our customs even in the minds of the studious; but as this is
+invariably the shadow of misconception, it has frequently been my sympathetic
+privilege to promote harmony by means of the inexorable logic of fact and
+reason. &ldquo;But are not your officials uncompromisingly opposed to the
+freedom of the Press?&rdquo; said one who conversed with me on the varying
+phases of the two countries, and knowing that in his eyes this would constitute
+an unendurable offence, I at once appeased his mind. &ldquo;By no means,&rdquo;
+I replied; &ldquo;if anything, the exact contrary is the case. As a matter of
+reality, of course, there is no Press now, the all-seeing Board of Censors
+having wisely determined that it was not stimulating to the public welfare; but
+if such an institution was permitted to exist you may rest genially assured
+that nothing could exceed the lenient toleration which all in office would
+extend towards it.&rdquo; A similar instance of malicious inaccuracy is widely
+spoken of regarding our lesser ones. &ldquo;Is it really a fact, Mr.
+Kong,&rdquo; exclaimed a maiden of magnanimous condescension, to this person
+recently, &ldquo;that we poor women are despised in your country, and that
+among the working-classes female children are even systematically abandoned as
+soon as they are born?&rdquo; Suffering my features to express amusement at
+this unending calumny, I indicated my violent contempt towards the one who had
+first uttered it. &ldquo;So far from despising them,&rdquo; I continued, with
+ingratiating gallantry, &ldquo;we recognise that they are quite necessary for
+the purposes of preparing our food, carrying weighty burdens, and the like; and
+how grotesque an action would it be for poor but affectionate parents to
+abandon one who in a few years&rsquo; time could be sold at a really
+remunerative profit, this, indeed, being the principal means of sustenance in
+many frugal families.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+On another occasion I had seated myself upon a wooden couch in one of the open
+spaces about the outskirts of the city, when an aged man chanced to pass by.
+Him I saluted with ceremonious politeness, on account of his years and the
+venerable dignity of his beard. Thereupon he approached near, and remarking
+affably that the afternoon was good (though, to use no subtle evasion, it was
+very evil), he congenially sat by my side and entered into familiar discourse.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;They say that in your part of the world we old grandfathers are
+worshipped,&rdquo; he said, after recounting to my ears all the most intimate
+details of his existence from his youth upwards; &ldquo;now, might that be
+right?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Truly,&rdquo; I replied. &ldquo;It is the unchanging foundation of our
+system of morality.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Ay, ay,&rdquo; he admitted pleasantly. &ldquo;We are a long way behind
+them foreigners in everything. At the rate we&rsquo;re going there won&rsquo;t
+be any trade nor work nor religion left in this country in another twenty
+years. I often wish I had gone abroad when I was younger. And if I had chanced
+upon your parts I should be worshipped, eh?&rdquo; and at the agreeable thought
+the aged man laughed in his throat with simple humour.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Assuredly,&rdquo; I replied; &ldquo;&mdash;after you were dead.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Eh?&rdquo; exclaimed the venerable person, checking the fountain of his
+mirth abruptly at the word. &ldquo;Dead! not before?
+Doesn&rsquo;t&mdash;doesn&rsquo;t that seem a bit of a waste?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Such has been the observance from the time of unrecorded
+antiquity,&rdquo; I replied. &ldquo;&lsquo;Obey parents, respect the old,
+loyally uphold the sovereign, and worship ancestors.&rsquo;&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Well, well,&rdquo; remarked the one beside me, &ldquo;obedience and
+respect&mdash;that&rsquo;s something nowadays. And you make them do it?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Our laws are unflinching in their application,&rdquo; I said. &ldquo;No
+crime is held to be more detestable than disrespect of those to whom we owe our
+existence.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Quite right,&rdquo; he agreed, &ldquo;it&rsquo;s a pleasure to hear it.
+It must be a great country, yours; a country with a future, I should say. Now,
+about that youngest lad of my son Henry&rsquo;s&mdash;the one that drops pet
+lizards down my neck, and threatened to put rat poison into his mother&rsquo;s
+tea when she wouldn&rsquo;t take him to the Military Turneyment; what would
+they do to him by your laws?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;If the assertion were well sustained by competent witnesses,&rdquo; I
+replied, &ldquo;it would probably be judged so execrable an offence, that a new
+punishment would have to be contrived. Failing that, he would certainly be
+wrapped round from head to foot in red-hot chains, and thus exposed to public
+derision.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Ah, red-hot chains!&rdquo; said the aged person, as though the words
+formed a pleasurable taste upon his palate. &ldquo;The young beggar! Well,
+he&rsquo;d deserve it.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Furthermore,&rdquo; I continued, gratified at having found one who so
+intelligently appreciated the deficiencies of his own country and the
+unblemished perfection of ours, &ldquo;his parents and immediate descendants,
+if any should exist, would be submitted to a fate as inevitable but slightly
+less contemptuous&mdash;slow compression, perchance; his parents once removed
+(thus enclosing your venerable personality), and remoter offsprings would be
+merely put to the sword without further ignominy, and those of less kinship to
+about the fourth degree would doubtless escape with branding and a
+reprimand.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Lordelpus!&rdquo; exclaimed the patriarchal one, hastily leaping to the
+extreme limit of the wooden couch, and grasping his staff into a significant
+attitude of defence; &ldquo;what&rsquo;s that for?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Our system of justice is all-embracing,&rdquo; I explained. &ldquo;It is
+reasonably held that in such a case either that there is an inherent strain of
+criminality which must be eradicated at all hazard, or else that those who are
+responsible for the virtuous instruction of the young have been grossly
+neglectful of their duty. Whichever is the true cause, by this unfailing method
+we reach the desired end, for, as our proverb aptly says, &lsquo;Do the wise
+pluck the weed and leave the roots to spread?&rsquo;&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;It&rsquo;s butchery, nothing short of Smithfield,&rdquo; said the
+ancient person definitely, rising and moving to a more remote distance as he
+spoke the words, yet never for a moment relaxing the aggressive angle at which
+he thrust out his staff before him. &ldquo;You&rsquo;re a bloodthirsty race in
+my opinion, and when they get this door open in China that there&rsquo;s so
+much talk about, out you go through it, my lad, or old England will know
+why.&rdquo; With this narrow-minded imprecation on his lips he left me, not
+even permitting me to continue expounding what would be the most likely
+sentences meted out to the witnesses in the case, the dwellers of the same
+street, and the members of the household with whom the youth in question had
+contemplated forming an alliance.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Among the many contradictions which really almost seem purposely arranged to
+entrap the unwary in this strangely under-side-up country, is the fact that
+while the ennobled and those of high official rank are courteous in their
+attitude and urbane&mdash;frequently even to the extent of refusing money from
+those whom they have obliged, no matter how privately pressed upon
+them&mdash;the low-caste and slavish are not only deficient in obsequiousness,
+but are permitted to retort openly to those who address them with fitting
+dignity. Here such a state of things is too general to excite remark, but as
+instances are well called the flowers of the tree of assertion, this person
+will set forth the manner in which he was contumaciously opposed by an
+oblique-eyed outcast who attended within the stall of one selling wrought gold,
+jewels, and merchandise of the finer sort.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Being desirous of procuring a gift wherewith to propitiate a certain
+maiden&rsquo;s esteem, and seeing above a shop of varied attraction a suspended
+sign emblematic of three times repeated gild abundance I drew near, not
+doubting to find beneath so auspicious a token the fulfilment of an honourable
+accommodation. Inside the window was displayed one of the implements by which
+the various details of a garment are joined together upon turning a wheel, hung
+about with an inscription setting forth that it was esteemed at the price of
+two units of gold, nineteen pieces of silver, and eleven and three-quarters of
+the brass cash of the land, and judging that no more suitable object could be
+procured for the purpose, I entered the shop, and desired the attending slave
+to submit it to my closer scrutiny.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Behold,&rdquo; I exclaimed, when I had made a feint of setting the
+device into motion (for it need not be concealed from you, O discreet one, that
+I was really inadequate to the attempt, and, indeed, narrowly escaped impaling
+myself upon its sudden and unexpected protrusions), &ldquo;the highly-burnished
+surface of your dexterously arranged window gave to this engine a rich
+attractiveness which is altogether lacking at a closer examination.
+Nevertheless, this person will not recede from a perhaps too impulsive offer of
+one unit of gold, three pieces of silver, and four and a half brass
+cash,&rdquo; my object, of course, being that after the mutual recrimination of
+disparagement and over-praise we should in the length of an hour or two reach a
+becoming compromise in the middle distance.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Well,&rdquo; responded the menial one, regarding me with an expression
+in which he did not even attempt to subdue the baser emotions, &ldquo;you HAVE
+come a long way for nothing&rdquo;; and he made a pretence of wishing to
+replace the object.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Yet,&rdquo; I continued, &ldquo;observe with calm impartiality how
+insidiously the rust has assailed the outer polish of the lacquer; perceive
+here upon the beneath part of wood the ineffaceable depression of a
+deeply-pointed blow; note well the&mdash;&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;It was good enough for you to want me to muck up out of the window,
+wasn&rsquo;t it?&rdquo; demanded the obstinate barbarian, becoming passionate
+in his bearing rather than reluctantly, but with courteous grace, lessening the
+price to a trifling degree, as we regard the proper way of carrying on the
+enterprise.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;It is well said,&rdquo; I admitted, hoping that he might yet learn
+wisdom from my attitude of unruffled urbanity, though I feared that his angle
+of negotiating was unconquerably opposed to mine, &ldquo;but now its many
+imperfections are revealed. The inelegance of its outline, the grossness of the
+applied colours, the unlucky combination of numbers engraved upon this plate,
+the&mdash;&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Damme!&rdquo; cried the utterly perverse rebel standing opposite,
+&ldquo;why don&rsquo;t you keep on your Compound, you Yellow Peril? Who asked
+you to come into my shop to blackguard the things? Come now, who did?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Assuredly it is your place of commerce,&rdquo; I replied cheerfully,
+preparing to bring forward an argument, which in our country never fails to
+shake the most stubborn, &ldquo;yet bend your eyes to the fact that at no great
+distance away there stands another and a more alluring stall of merchandise
+where&mdash;&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Go to it then!&rdquo; screamed the abandoned outcast, leaping over his
+counter and shouting aloud in a frenzy of uncontrollable rage. &ldquo;Clear
+out, or I&rsquo;ll bend my feet&mdash;&rdquo; but concluding at this point that
+some private calumny from which he was doubtless suffering was disturbing his
+mind to so great an extent that there was little likelihood of our bringing the
+transaction to a profitable end, I left the shop immediately but with befitting
+dignity.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+With a fell-founded assurance that you will now be acquiring a really precise
+and bird&rsquo;s-eye-like insight into practically all phases of this country.
+</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+KONG HO.
+</p>
+
+</div><!--end chapter-->
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2><a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"></a>
+LETTER VIII</h2>
+
+<p class="letter">
+Concerning the wisdom of the sublime Wei Chung and its application to the
+ordinary problems of existence. The meeting of three, hitherto unknown to each
+other, about a wayside inn, and their various manners of conducting the
+enterprise.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Venerated Sire,&mdash;You will doubtless remember the behaviour of the aged
+philosopher Wei Chung, when commanded by the broad-minded emperor of his time
+to reveal the hidden sources of his illimitable knowledge, so that all might
+freely acquire, and the race thereby become raised to a position of
+unparalleled excellence. Taking the well-disposed sovereign familiarly by the
+arm, Wei Chung led him to the mouth of his cave in the forest, and, standing by
+his side, bade him reflect with open eyes for a short space of time, and then
+express aloud what he had seen. &ldquo;Nothing of grave import,&rdquo; declared
+the emperor when the period was accomplished; &ldquo;only the trees shaken by
+the breeze.&rdquo; &ldquo;It is enough,&rdquo; replied Wei Chung. &ldquo;What,
+to the adroitly-balanced mind, does such a sight reveal?&rdquo; &ldquo;That it
+is certainly a windy day,&rdquo; exclaimed the omnipotent triumphantly, for
+although admittedly divine, he yet lacked the philosopher&rsquo;s
+discrimination. &ldquo;On the contrary,&rdquo; replied the sage coldly,
+&ldquo;that is the natural pronouncement of the rankly superficial. To the
+highly-trained intellect it conveys the more subtle truth that the wind affects
+the trees, and not the trees affect the wind. For upwards of seventy years this
+one has daily stood at the door of his cave for a brief period, and regularly
+garnering a single detail of like brilliance, has made it the well-spring for a
+day&rsquo;s reflection. As the result he now has by heart upwards of
+twenty-five thousand useful facts, all serviceable for original proverbs, and
+an encyclopaedic mind which would enable him to take a high place in a popular
+competition unassisted by a single work of reference.&rdquo; Much impressed by
+the adventure the charitably-inclined emperor presented Wei Chung with an onyx
+crown (which the philosopher at once threw into an adjacent well), and
+returning to his capital published a decree that each day at sunrise every
+person should stand at the door of his dwelling, and after observing for a
+period, compare among themselves the details of their thoughts. By this means
+he hoped to achieve his imperial purpose, but although the literal part of the
+enactment is scrupulously maintained, especially by the slothful and
+defamatory, who may be seen standing at their doors and conversing together
+even to this day, from some unforeseen imperfection the intellectual capacity
+of the race has remained exactly as it was before.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Nevertheless it is not to be questioned that the system of the versatile Wei
+Chung was, in itself, grounded upon a far-seeing accuracy, and as the need of
+such a rational observation is deepened among the inconsistencies and fantastic
+customs of a barbarian race, I have made it a useful habit to accept as a guide
+for the day&rsquo;s behaviour the reflections engendered by the first
+noteworthy incident of the morning.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Upon the day with which this letter concerns itself I had set forth, in
+accordance with an ever-present desire, to explore some of the hidden places of
+the city. At the time a tempest of great ferocity was raging, and bending my
+head before it I had the distinction of coming into contact with a person of
+ill-endowed exterior at an angle where two roads met. This amiable wayfarer
+exchanged civilities with me after the politeness characteristic of the
+labouring classes towards those who differ from them in speech, dress, or
+colour: that is to say, he filled his pipe from my proffered store, and after
+lighting it threw the match into my face, and passed on with an appropriate
+remark.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Doubtless this insignificant occurrence would have faded without internal
+comment if the penetrating Wei Chung had never existed, but now, guided by his
+sublime precedent, I arranged the incident for the day&rsquo;s conduct under
+three reflective heads.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It was while I was meditating on the second of these that an exclamation caused
+me to turn, when I observed a prosperously-outlined person in the act of
+picking up a scrip which had the appearance of being lavishly distended with
+pieces of gold.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;If I had not seen you pass it, I should have opined that this hyer
+wallet belonged to you,&rdquo; remarked the justice-loving stranger (for the
+incident had irresistibly retarded my own footsteps), speaking the language of
+this land, but with an accent of penetrating harmony hitherto unknown to my
+ears. With these auspicious words he turned over the object upon his hand
+doubtfully.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;So entrancing a possibility is, as you gracefully suggest, of
+unavoidable denial,&rdquo; I replied. &ldquo;Nevertheless, this person will not
+hesitate to join his acclamation with yours; for, as the Book of Verses wisely
+says, &lsquo;Even the blind, if truly polite, will extol the prospect from your
+house-top.&rsquo;&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;That&rsquo;s so,&rdquo; admitted the one by my side. &ldquo;But I
+don&rsquo;t know that there is any call for a special thanksgiving. As I happen
+to have more money of my own than I can reasonably spend I shall drop this in
+at a convenient police station. I dare say some poor critter is pining away for
+it now.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Pleasantly impressed by the resolute benevolence of the one who had a greater
+store of wealth than he could, by his own unaided efforts, dispose of, I
+arranged myself unobtrusively at his side, and maintaining an exhibition of my
+most polished and genial conversation, I sought to penetrate deeply into his
+esteem.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Gaze in this direction, Kong,&rdquo; he said at length, calling me by
+name with auspicious familiarity; &ldquo;I am a benighted stranger in this hyer
+city, and so are you, I rek&rsquo;n. Suppose we liquor up, and then take a few
+of the side shows together.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;The suggestion is one against which I will erect no ill-disposed
+barrier,&rdquo; I at once replied, so inflexibly determined not to lose sight
+of a person possessing such engaging attributes as to be cheerfully prepared
+even to consume my rice spirit in the inverted position which his words implied
+if the display was persisted in. &ldquo;Nevertheless,&rdquo; I added, with a
+resourceful prudence, &ldquo;although by no means undistinguished among the
+highest literary and competitive circles of his native Yuen-ping, the one
+before you is incapable of walking in the footsteps of a person whose
+accumulations are greater than he himself can appreciably diminish.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;That&rsquo;s all right, Kong,&rdquo; exclaimed the one whom my last
+words fittingly described, striking the recess of his lower garment with a
+gesture of graceful significance. &ldquo;When I take a fancy to any one it
+isn&rsquo;t a matter of dollars. I usually carry a trifle of five hundred or a
+thousand pounds in my pocket-book, and if we can get through that&mdash;why,
+there&rsquo;s plenty more waiting at the bank. Say, though, I hope you
+don&rsquo;t keep much about you; it isn&rsquo;t really safe.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;The temptation to do so is one which this person has hitherto
+successfully evaded,&rdquo; I replied. &ldquo;The contents of this reptile-skin
+case&rdquo;&mdash;and not to be outshone in mutual confidence I here displayed
+it openly&mdash;&ldquo;do not exceed nine or ten pieces of gold and a like
+number of printed obligations promising to pay five pieces each.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Put it away, Kong,&rdquo; he said resolutely. &ldquo;You won&rsquo;t
+need that so long as you&rsquo;re with me. Well, now, what sort of a saloon
+have we here?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+As far as the opinion might be superficially expressed it had every indication
+of being one of noteworthy antiquity, and to the innately modest mind its
+unassuming diffidence might have lent an added charm. Nevertheless, on most
+occasions this person would have maintained an unshaken dexterity in avoiding
+its open door, but as the choice admittedly lay in the hands of one who carried
+five hundred or a thousand pieces of gold we went in together and passed
+through to a compartment of retiring seclusion.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+In our own land, O my orthodox-minded father, where the unfailing resources of
+innumerable bands of dragons, spirits, vampires, ghouls, shadows, omens, and
+thunderstorms are daily enlisted to carry into effect the pronouncements of an
+appointed destiny, we have many historical examples of the inexorably
+converging legs of coincidence, but none, I think, more impressively arranged
+than the one now descending this person&rsquo;s brush.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+We had scarcely reposed ourselves, and taken from the hands of an awaiting
+slave the vessels of thrice-potent liquid which in this Island is regarded as
+the indispensable accompaniment to every movement of existence, when a third
+person entered the room, and seating himself at a table some slightly removed
+distance away, lowered his head and abandoned himself to a display of most
+lavish dejection.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;That poor cuss doesn&rsquo;t appear to be holiday-making,&rdquo;
+remarked the sincerely-compassionate person at my side, after closely observing
+the other for a period; and then, moved by the overpowering munificence of his
+inward nature, he called aloud, &ldquo;Say, stranger, you seem to have got it
+thickly in the neck. Is it family affliction or the whisky of the
+establishment?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At these affably-intentioned words the stranger raised his eyes quickly, with
+an indication of not having up to that time been aware of our presence.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Sir,&rdquo; he exclaimed, approaching to a spot where he could converse
+with a more enhanced facility, &ldquo;when I loosened the restraint of an
+overpowering if unmanly grief, I imagined that I was alone, for I would have
+shunned even the most flattering sympathy, but your charitably-modulated voice
+invites confidence. The one before you is the most contemptible, left-handed,
+and disqualified outcast in creation, and he is now making his way towards the
+river, while his widow will be left to take in washing, his infant son to vend
+evening printed leaves, and his graceful and hitherto highly secluded daughters
+to go upon the stage.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Say, stranger,&rdquo; interposed this person, by no means unwilling to
+engrave upon his memory this newly-acquired form of greeting, &ldquo;the
+emotion is doubtless all-pressing, but in my ornate and flower-laden tongue we
+have a salutation, &lsquo;Slowly, slowly; walk slowly,&rsquo; which seems to be
+of far-seeing application.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;That&rsquo;s so,&rdquo; remarked the one by my side. &ldquo;Separate it
+with the teeth, inch by inch.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;I will be calm, then,&rdquo; continued the other (who, to avoid the
+complication of the intermingling circumstances, may be described as the more
+stranger of the two), and he took of his neckcloth. &ldquo;I am a merchant in
+tea, yellow fat, and mixed spices, in a small but hitherto satisfactory
+way.&rdquo; Thus revealing himself, he continued to set forth how at an earlier
+hour he had started on a journey to deposit his wealth (doubtless as a
+propitiation of outraged deities) upon a certain bank, and how, upon reaching
+the specified point, he discovered that what he carried had eluded his
+vigilance. &ldquo;All gone: notes, gold, and pocket-book&mdash;the savings of a
+lifetime,&rdquo; concluded the ill-omened one, and at the recollection a sudden
+and even more highly-sustained frenzy of self-unpopularity involving him,
+without a pause he addressed himself by seven and twenty insulting expressions,
+many of which were quite new to my understanding.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At the earliest mention of the details affecting the loss, the elbow of the
+person who had made himself responsible for the financial obligation of the day
+propelled itself against my middle part, and unseen by the other he indicated
+to me by means of his features that the entertainment was becoming one of
+agreeable prepossession.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Now, touching this hyer wallet,&rdquo; he said presently. &ldquo;How
+might you describe it?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;In colour it was red, and within were two compartments, the one
+containing three score notes each of ten pounds, the other fifty pounds of
+gold. But what&rsquo;s the use of describing it? Some lucky demon will pick it
+up and pocket the lot, and I shall never see a cent of it again.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Then you&rsquo;d better consult one who reburnishes the eyes,&rdquo;
+declared the magnanimous one with a laugh, and drawing forth the article
+referred to he cast it towards the merchant in a small way.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At this point of the narrative my thoroughly incompetent brush confesses the
+proportions of the requirement to be beyond its most extended limit, and many
+very honourable details are necessarily left without expression.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;I&rsquo;ve known men of all sorts, good, bad, and bothwise,&rdquo;
+exclaimed the one who had recovered his possessions; &ldquo;but I never thought
+to meet a gent as would hand over six hundred and fifty pounds as if it was a
+toothpick. Sir, it overbalances me; it does, indeed.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Say no more about it,&rdquo; urged the first person, and to suggest
+gracefully that the incident had reached its furthest extremity, he began to
+set out the melody of an unspoken verse.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;I will say no more, then,&rdquo; he replied; &ldquo;but you cannot
+reasonably prevent my doing something to express my gratitude. If you are not
+too proud you will come and partake of food and wine with me beneath the sign
+of the Funereal Male Cow, and to show my confidence in you I shall insist upon
+you carrying my pocket-book.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The person whom I had first encountered suffered his face to become excessively
+amused. &ldquo;Say, stranger, do you take me for a pack-mule?&rdquo; he replied
+good-naturedly. &ldquo;I already have about as much as I want to handle. Never
+mind; we&rsquo;ll come along with you, and Mr. Kong shall carry your
+bullion.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At this delicate and high-minded proposal a rapid change, in no way
+complimentary to my explicit habit of adequately conducting any venture upon
+which I may be engaged, came over the face of the second person.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Sir,&rdquo; he exclaimed, &ldquo;I have nothing to say against this
+gentleman, but I am under no obligation to him, and I don&rsquo;t see why I
+should trust him with everything I possess.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Stranger,&rdquo; exclaimed the other rising to his feet (and from this
+point it must be understood that the various details succeeded one another with
+a really agile dexterity), &ldquo;let me tell you that Mr. Kong is my friend,
+and that ought to be enough.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;It is. If you say this gentleman is your friend, and that you have known
+him long and intimately enough to be able to answer for him, that&rsquo;s good
+enough for me.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Well,&rdquo; admitted the first person, and I could not conceal from
+myself that his tone was inauspiciously reluctant, &ldquo;I can&rsquo;t exactly
+say that I&rsquo;ve known him long; in fact I only met him half an hour ago.
+But I have the fullest confidence in his integrity.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;It&rsquo;s just as I expected. Well, sir, you&rsquo;re good-natured
+enough for anything, but if you&rsquo;ll excuse me, I must say that
+you&rsquo;re a small piece of an earthenware vessel after all&rdquo;&mdash;the
+veiled allusion doubtlessly being that the vessel of necessity being broken,
+the contents inevitably escape&mdash;&ldquo;and I hope you&rsquo;re not being
+had.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;I&rsquo;m not, and I&rsquo;ll prove it before we go out together,&rdquo;
+retorted the engaging one, who had in the meantime become so actively impetuous
+on my account, that he did not remain content with the spoken words, but threw
+the various belongings about as he mentioned them in a really profuse display
+of inimitable vehemence. &ldquo;Here, Kong, take this hyer pocket-book whatever
+he says. Now on the top of that take everything I&rsquo;ve got, and you know
+what THAT figures up to. Now give this gentleman your little lot to keep him
+quiet; I don&rsquo;t ask for anything. Now, stranger, I&rsquo;m ready. You and
+I will take a stroll round the block and back again, and if Mr. Kong
+isn&rsquo;t waiting here for us when we return with everything intact and O.K.,
+I&rsquo;ll double your deposit and never trust a durned soul again.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Nodding genially over his shoulder with a harmonious understanding, expressive
+of the fact that we were embarking upon an undeniably diverting episode, the
+benevolent-souled person who had accumulated more riches than he was competent
+to melt away himself, passed out, urging the doubtful and still protesting one
+before him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Thus abandoned to my own reflections, I pondered for a short time profitably on
+the third head of the day&rsquo;s meditation (Touching the match and this
+person&rsquo;s unattractively-lined face. The revealed truth: the inexperienced
+sheep cannot pass through the hedge without leaving portions of his wool), and
+then finding the philosophy of Wei Chung very good, I determined to remove the
+superfluous apprehensions of the vender of food-stuffs with less delay by
+setting out and meeting them on their return.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+A few paces distant from the door, one of the ever-present watchers of the
+street was standing, watching the street with unremitting vigilance, while from
+the well-guarded expression of his face it might nevertheless be gathered that
+he stood as though in expectation.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Prosperity,&rdquo; I said, with seasonable greeting. (For no excess of
+consideration is too great to be lavished upon these, who unite within
+themselves the courage of a high warrior, the expertness of a three-handed
+magician, and the courtesy of a genial mandarin.) &ldquo;I seek two, apparelled
+thus and thus. Did you, by any chance, mark the direction of their
+footsteps?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Oh,&rdquo; he said, regarding this person with a most flattering
+application, &ldquo;YOU seek them, do you? Well, they&rsquo;ve just gone off in
+a hansom, and they&rsquo;ll want a lot of seeking for the next week or two. You
+let them carry your purse, perhaps?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Assuredly,&rdquo; I replied. &ldquo;As a mark of confidence; this
+person, for his part, receiving a like token at their hands.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;That&rsquo;s it,&rdquo; said the official watcher, conveying into his
+voice a subtle indication that he had become excessively fatigued.
+&ldquo;It&rsquo;s like a nursery tale&mdash;never too old to take with the
+kids. Well, come along, poor lamb, the station isn&rsquo;t far.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+So great had become the reliance which by this time I habitually reposed in
+these men, that I never sought to oppose their pronouncements (such a course
+being not only useless but undignified), and we therefore together reached the
+place which the one by my side had described as a station.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+From the outside the building was in no way imposing, but upon reaching an
+inner dungeon it at once became plain that no matter with what crime a person
+might be charged, even the most stubborn resistance would be unavailing. Before
+a fiercely-burning fire were arranged metal pincers, massive skewers,
+ornamental branding irons, and the usual accessories of the grill, one tool
+being already thrust into the heart of the flame to indicate the nature of its
+use, and its immediate readiness for the purpose. Pegs from which the accused
+could be hung by the thumbs with weights attached to the feet, covered an
+entire wall; chains, shackling-irons, fetters, steel rings for compressing the
+throat, and belts for tightening the chest, all had their appointed places,
+while the Chair, the Boot, the Heavy Hat, and many other appliances quite
+unknown to our system of administering justice were scattered about.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Without pausing to select any of these, the one who led me approached a raised
+desk at which was seated a less warlike official, whose sympathetic appearance
+inspired confidence. &ldquo;Kong Ho,&rdquo; exclaimed to himself the person who
+is inscribing these words, &ldquo;here is an individual into whose
+discriminating ear it would be well to pour the exact happening without
+evasion. Then even if the accusation against you be that of resembling another
+or trafficking with unlawful Forces, he will doubtless arrange the matter so
+that the expiation shall be as light and inexpensive as possible.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+By this time certain other officials had drawn near. &ldquo;What is it?&rdquo;
+I heard one demand, and another replied, &ldquo;Brooklyn Ben and Jimmie the
+Butterman again. Ah, they aren&rsquo;t artful, are they!&rdquo; but at this
+moment the two into whose power I had chiefly fallen having conversed together,
+I was commanded to advance towards them and reveal my name.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Kong,&rdquo; I replied freely; and I had formed a design to explain
+somewhat of the many illustrious ancestors of the House, when the one at the
+desk, pausing to inscribe my answer in a book, spoke out.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Kong?&rdquo; he said. &ldquo;Is that the christian or surname?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Sir-name?&rdquo; replied this person between two thoughts.
+&ldquo;Undoubtedly the one before you is entitled by public examination to the
+degree &lsquo;Recognised Talent,&rsquo; which may, as a meritorious
+distinction, be held equal to your title of a warrior clad in armour. Yet, if
+it is so held, that would rightly be this person&rsquo;s official name of
+Paik.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Oh, it would, would it?&rdquo; said the one seated upon the high chair.
+&ldquo;That&rsquo;s quite clear. Are there any other names as well?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Assuredly,&rdquo; I explained, pained inwardly that one of official rank
+should so slightly esteem my appearance as to judge that I was so meagrely
+endowed. &ldquo;The milk name of Ho; Tsin upon entering the Classes; as a Great
+Name Cheng; another style in Quank; the official title already expressed, and
+T&rsquo;chun, Li, Yuen and Nung as the various emergencies of life
+arise.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Thank you,&rdquo; said the high-chair official courteously. &ldquo;Now,
+just the name in full, please, without any velvet trimmings.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Kong,&rdquo; began this person, desirous above all things of putting the
+matter competently, yet secretly perturbed as to what might be considered
+superfluous and what deemed a perfidious suppression, &ldquo;Ho Tsin Cheng
+Quank&mdash;&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Hold hard,&rdquo; cried this same one, restraining me with an uplifted
+pen. &ldquo;Did you say &lsquo;Quack&rsquo;?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Quack?&rdquo; repeated this person, beginning to become involved within
+himself, and not grasping the detail in the right position. &ldquo;In a manner
+of setting the expression forth&mdash;&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Put him down, &lsquo;Quack Duck,&rsquo; sir,&rdquo; exclaimed one of
+dog-like dejection who stood by. &ldquo;Most of these Lascars haven&rsquo;t got
+any real names&mdash;they just go by what any one happens to call them at the
+time, like &lsquo;Burmese Ike&rsquo; down at the Mint,&rdquo; and this person
+unfortunately chancing to smile and bow acquiescently at that moment (not with
+any set intention, but as a general principle of courteous urbanity), in place
+of his really distinguished titles he will henceforth appear among the
+historical records of this dynasty under what he cannot disguise from his inner
+misgivings to be the low-caste appellation of Quack Duck.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Now the address, please,&rdquo; continued the high one, again preparing
+to inscribe the word, and being determined that by no mischance should this
+particular be offensively reported, I unhesitatingly replied, &ldquo;Beneath
+the Sign of the Lead Tortoise, on the northern course from the Lotus Pools
+outside the walls of Yuen-ping.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+This answer the one with the book did not immediately record. &ldquo;I
+don&rsquo;t say it isn&rsquo;t all right when you know the parts,&rdquo; he
+remarked broad-mindedly, &ldquo;but it does sound a trifle irregular.
+Can&rsquo;t you give it a number and a street?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;I fancy it must be a pub, sir,&rdquo; observed another. &ldquo;He said
+that it had a sign&mdash;the Red Tortoise.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Well, haven&rsquo;t you got a London address?&rdquo; said the high one,
+and this person being able to supply a street and a number as desired, this
+part of the undertaking was disposed of, to his cordial satisfaction.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Now let me see the articles which these men left with you,&rdquo;
+commanded the chieftain of the band, and without any misleading discrepancies I
+at once drew forth from an inner sleeve the two scrips, of which adequate
+mention has already been made, another hitherto undescribed, two instruments
+for measuring the passing hours of the day, together with a chain of fine gold
+ingeniously wrought into the semblance of a cable, an ornament for the breast,
+set about with a jewel, two neck-cloths of a kind usually carried in the
+pocket, a book for recording happenings of any moment, pieces of money to the
+value of about eleven taels, a silver flagon, a sheathed weapon and a few
+lesser objects of insignificant value. These various details I laid
+obsequiously before the one who had commanded it, while the others stood around
+either in explicit silence or speaking softly beneath their breath.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Do I understand that the two persons left all these things with you,
+while they took your purse in exchange?&rdquo; said the high official, after
+examining certain obscure signs upon the metals, the contents of the third
+scrip, and the like.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;It cannot reasonably be denied,&rdquo; I replied; &ldquo;inasmuch as
+they departed without them.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Spontaneously?&rdquo; he demanded, and in spite of the unevadible
+severity of his voice the expression of his nearer eye deviated somewhat.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;The spoken and conclusive word of the first was that it was his
+intention to commit to this one&rsquo;s keeping everything which he had; the
+assertion of the second being that with this scrip I received all that he
+possessed.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;While of yours, what did they get, Mr. Quack?&rdquo; and the tone of the
+one who spoke had a much more gratifying modulation than before, while the
+attitudes of those who stood around had favourably changed, until they now
+conveyed a message of deliberate esteem.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;A serpent-skin case of two enclosures,&rdquo; I replied. &ldquo;On the
+one side was a handcount of the small copper-pieces of this Island, which I had
+caused to be burnished and gilt for the purpose of taking back to amuse those
+of Yuen-ping. On the other side were two or three pages from a gravity-removing
+printed leaf entitled &lsquo;Bits of Tits,&rsquo; with which this person weekly
+instructs himself in the simpler rudiments of the language. For the rest the
+case was controlled by a hidden spring, and inscribed about with a charm
+against loss, consumption by fire, or being secretly acquired by the
+unworthy.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;I don&rsquo;t think you stand in much need of that charm, Mr.
+Quack,&rdquo; remarked another of more than ordinary rank, who was also
+present. &ldquo;Then they really got practically no money from you?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;By no means,&rdquo; I admitted. &ldquo;It was never literally
+stipulated, and whatever of wealth he possesses this person carries in a
+concealed spot beneath his waistbelt.&rdquo; (For even to these, virtuous sire,
+I did not deem it expedient to reveal the fact that in reality it is hidden
+within the sole of my left sandal.)
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;I congratulate you,&rdquo; he said with lavish refinement. &ldquo;Ben
+and the Butterman can be very bland and persuasive. Could you tell me, as a
+matter of professional curiosity, what first put you on your guard?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;In this person&rsquo;s country,&rdquo; I replied, &ldquo;there is an apt
+saying, &lsquo;The sagacious bird does not build his nest twice in the empty
+soup-toureen,&rsquo; and by observing closely what has gone before one may
+accurately conjecture much that will follow after.&rdquo; It may be, that out
+of my insufferable shortcomings of style and expression, this answer did not
+convey to his mind the logical sequence of the warning; yet it would have been
+more difficult to show him how everything arose from the faultlessly-balanced
+system of the heroic Wei Chung, or the exact parallel lying between the
+ill-clad outcast who demanded a portion of tobacco and the cheerfully
+unassuming stranger who had in his possession a larger accumulation of money
+than he could conveniently disperse.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+In such a manner I took leave of the station and those connected with it, after
+directing that the share of the spoil which fell by the law of this Island to
+my lot should be sold and the money of exchange faithfully divided among the
+virtuous and necessitous of both sexes. The higher officials each waved me
+pleasantly by the hand, according to the striking and picturesque custom of the
+land, while the lesser ones stood around and spoke flattering words as I
+departed, as &ldquo;honourable,&rdquo; &ldquo;a small piece of
+all-right,&rdquo; &ldquo;astute ancient male fowl,&rdquo; &ldquo;ah!&rdquo; and
+the like.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+With repeated assurances that however ineptly the adventure may at the time
+appear to be tending, as regards the essentials of true dignity and an
+undeviating grasp upon articles of negotiable value, nothing of a regrettable
+incident need be feared.
+</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+KONG HO.
+</p>
+
+</div><!--end chapter-->
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2><a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"></a>
+LETTER IX</h2>
+
+<p class="letter">
+Concerning the proverb of the highly-accomplished horse. The various perils to
+be encountered in the Beneath Parts. The inexplicable journey performed by this
+one, and concerning the obscurity of the witchcraft employed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Venerated Sire,&mdash;Among these islanders there is a proverb, &ldquo;Do not
+place the carte&rdquo; (or card, the two words having an identical purport, and
+both signifying the inscribed tablet of viands prepared for a banquet,)
+&ldquo;before the horse.&rdquo; Doubtless the saying first arose as a timely
+rebuke to a certain barbarian emperor who announced his contempt for the
+intelligence of his subjects by conferring high mandarin rank upon a favourite
+steed and ceremoniously appointing it to be his chancellor; but from the
+narrower moral that an unreasoning animal is out of place, and even unseemly,
+in the entertaining hall or council chamber, the expression has in the course
+of time taken a wider application and is now freely used as an insidious thrust
+at one who may be suspected of contrariness of character, of confusing issues,
+or of acting in a vain or illogical manner. I had already preserved the saying
+among other instances of foreign thought and expression which I am collecting
+for your dignified amusement, as it is very characteristic of the wisdom and
+humour of these Outer Lands. The imagination is essentially barbaric. A
+horse&mdash;doubtless well-groomed, richly-caparisoned, and as intellectual as
+the circumstances will permit, but inevitably an animal of degraded attributes
+and untraceable ancestry&mdash;a horse reclining before a lavishly set-out
+table and considering well of what dish it shall next partake! Could anything,
+it appears, be more diverting! Truly to our more refined outlook the analogy is
+lacking both in delicacy of wit and in exactitude of balance, but to the
+grosser barbarian conception of what is gravity-removing it is irresistible.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+I am, however, reminded of the saying by perceiving that I was on the point of
+recording certain details of recent occurrence without first unrolling to your
+mind the incidents from which it has arisen that the person who is now
+communicating with you is no longer reposing in the Capital, but spending a
+period profitably in observing the habits of those who dwell in the more
+secluded recesses on the outskirts of the Island. This reversal of the proper
+sequence of affairs would doubtless strike those around as an instance of
+setting the banquet before the horse. Without delay, then, to pursue the
+allusion to its appropriate end, I will return, as it may be said, to my
+nosebag.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At various points about the streets of the Capital there are certain caverns
+artificially let into the bowels of the earth, to which any person may betake
+himself upon purchasing a printed sign which he must display to the guardian of
+the gate. Once within the underneathmost parts he is free to be carried from
+place to place by means of the trains of carriages which I have already
+described to you, until he would return to the outer surface, when he must
+again display his talisman before he is permitted to pass forth. Nor is this an
+empty form, for upon an occasion this person himself witnessed a very bitter
+contention between a keeper of the barrier and one whose token had through some
+cause lost its potency.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+In the company of the experienced I had previously gone through the trial
+without mischance, so that recently when I expressed a wish to visit a certain
+Palace, and was informed that the most convenient manner would be to descend
+into the nearest cavern, I had no reasonable device for avoiding the encounter.
+Nevertheless, enlightened sire, I will not attempt to conceal from your
+omniscience that I was by no means impetuous towards the adventure. Owing to
+the pugnacious and unworthy suspicions of those who direct their destinies, I
+have not yet been able to penetrate the exact connection between the movements
+of these hot-smoke chariots and the Unseen Forces. To a person whose chief
+object in life is to avoid giving offence to any of the innumerable demons
+which are ever on the watch to revenge themselves upon our slightest
+indiscretion, this uncertainty opens an unending vista of intolerable
+possibilities. As if to emphasise the perils of this overhanging doubt the
+surroundings are ingeniously arranged so as to represent as nearly as
+practicable the terrors of the Beneath World. Both by day and night a funereal
+gloom envelops the caverns, the pathways and resting-places are meagre and so
+constructed as to be devoid of attraction or repose, and by a skilful
+contrivance the natural atmosphere is secretly withdrawn and a very acrimonious
+sulphurous haze driven in to replace it. In sudden and unforeseen places eyes
+of fire open and close with disconcerting rapidity, and even change colour in
+vindictive significance; wooden hands are outstretched as in unrelenting
+rigidity against supplication, or, divining the unexpressed thoughts,
+inexorably point, as one gazes, still deeper into the recesses of the earth;
+while the air is never free from the sounds of groans, shrieks, the rattling of
+chains, dull, hopeless noises beneath one&rsquo;s feet or overhead, and the
+hoarse wordless cries of despair with which the attending slaves of the caverns
+greet the distant clamour of every approaching fire-chariot. Admittedly the
+intention of the device is benevolently conceived, and it is strenuously
+asserted that many persons of corrupt habits and ill-balanced lives, upon
+waking unexpectedly while passing through these Beneath Parts, have abandoned
+the remainder of their journey, and, escaping hastily to the outer air, have
+from that time onwards led a pure and consistent existence; but, on the other
+foot, those who are compelled to use the caverns daily, freely confess that the
+surroundings do not in any material degree purify their lives or tranquillise
+the nature of their inner thoughts.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+In this emergency I did not neglect to write out a diversity of charms against
+every possible variety of evil influence, and concealing them lavishly about my
+head and body, I presented myself with the outer confidence of a person who is
+inured to the exploit. Doubtless thereby being mistaken for one of themselves
+in the obscurity, I received the inscribed safeguard without opposition, and
+even an added sum in copper pieces, which I discreetly returned to the one
+behind the shutter, with the request that he would honourably burn a few joss
+sticks or sacrifice to a trivial amount, to the success of my journey. In such
+a manner I reached an awaiting train, and, taking up within it a position of
+retiring modesty, I definitely committed myself to the undertaking.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At the next tarrying place there entered a barbarian of high-class appearance,
+and being by this time less assured of my competence in the matter unaided,
+both on account of the multiplicity of evil omens on every side, and the
+perverse impulses of the guiding demon, whereby at sudden angles certain of my
+organs had the emotion of being left irrevocably behind and others of being
+snatched relentlessly forward, I approached him courteously.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Behold,&rdquo; I said, &ldquo;many thousand li of water, both fresh and
+bitter, flow between the one who is addressing you and his native town of
+Yuen-ping, where the tablets at the street corners are as familiar to him as
+the lines of his own unshapely hands; for, as it is truly said, &lsquo;Does the
+starling know the lotus roots, or the pomfret read its way by the signs among
+the upper branches of the pines?&rsquo; Out of the necessities of his ignorance
+and your own overwhelming condescension enlighten him, therefore, whether the
+destination of this fire-chariot by any chance corresponds with the inscribed
+name upon his talisman?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Thus adjured, the stranger benevolently turned himself to the detail, and upon
+consulting a book of symbols he expressed himself to this wise: that after a
+sufficient interval I should come into a certain station, called in part after
+the title of the enlightened ruler of this Island, and there abandoning the
+train which was carrying us, I should enter another which would bring me out of
+the Beneath Parts and presently into the midst of that Palace which I sought.
+This advice seemed good, for a reasonable connection might be supposed to exist
+between a station so auspiciously called and a Palace bearing the harmonious
+name of the gracious and universally-revered sovereign-consort. Accordingly I
+thanked him ceremoniously, not only on my own part, but also on behalf of
+eleven generations of immediate ancestors, and in the name of seven generations
+who should come after, and he on his side agreeably replied that he was sure
+his grandmother would have done as much for mine, and he sincerely hoped that
+none of his great-great-grandchildren would prove less obliging. In this
+intellectual manner, varied with the entertainment of profuse bows, the time
+passed cordially between us until the barbarian reached his own alighting
+stage, when he again repeated the various details of the strategy for my
+observance.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At this point let it be set forth deliberately that there existed no treachery
+in the advice, still less that this person is incapable of competently
+achieving the destined end of any hazard upon which he may embark when once the
+guiding signs have been made clear to his understanding. Whatever entanglement
+arose was due merely to the conflicting manners of expression used by two
+widely-varying races, even as our own proverb says, &ldquo;What is only sauce
+for the cod is serious for the oyster.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At the station indicated as bearing the sign of the ruler of the country (which
+even a person of little discernment could have recognised by the
+highly-illuminated representation bearing the elusively-worded inscription,
+&ldquo;In packets only&rdquo;), I left this fire-chariot, and at once
+perceiving another in an attitude of departure, I entered it, as the casual
+barbarian had definitely instructed, and began to assure myself that I had
+already become expertly proficient in the art of journeying among these Beneath
+Regions and to foresee the time, not far distant, when others would confidently
+address themselves to me in their extremities. So entrancing did this
+contemplation grow, that this outrageous person began to compose the actual
+words with which he would instruct them as the occasion arose, as thus,
+&ldquo;Undoubtedly, O virtuous and not unattractive maiden, this fire-engine
+will ultimately lead your refined footsteps into the street called Those who
+Bake Food. Do not hesitate, therefore, to occupy the vacant place by this
+insignificant one&rsquo;s side&rdquo;; or, &ldquo;By no means, honourable sir;
+the Cross of Charing is in the precisely opposite direction to that selected by
+this self-opinionated machine for its inopportune destination. Do not rebuke
+this person for his immoderate loss of mental gravity, for your mistake, though
+pardonable in a stranger, is really excessively diverting. Your most prudent
+course now will assuredly be to cast yourself from the carriage without delay
+and rely upon the benevolent intervention of a fire-chariot proceeding
+backwards.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Alas, it is truly said, &ldquo;None but sword-swallowers should endeavour to
+swallow swords,&rdquo; thereby signifying the vast chasm that lies between
+those who are really adroit in an undertaking and those who only think that
+they may easily become so. Presently it began to become deeply impressed upon
+my discrimination that the journey was taking a more lengthy duration than I
+had been given to understand would be the case, while at the same time a
+permanent deliverance from the terrors of the Beneath Parts seemed to be
+insidiously lengthening out into a funereal unattainableness. The point of this
+person&rsquo;s destination, he had been assured on all hands, was a spot beyond
+which even the most aggressively assertive engine could not proceed, so that he
+had no fears of being incapably drawn into more remote places, yet when hour
+after hour passed and the ill-destined machine never failed in its malicious
+endeavours to leave each successive tarrying station, it is not to be denied
+that my imagination dwelt regretfully upon the true civilisation of our own
+enlightened country, where, by the considerate intervention of an all-wise
+government, the possibilities of so distressing an experience are
+sympathetically removed from one&rsquo;s path. Thus the greater part of the day
+had faded, and I was conjecturing that by this time we must inevitably be
+approaching the barren and inhospitable country which forms the northern limit
+of the Island, when the door suddenly opened and the barbarian stranger whom I
+had left many hundred li behind entered the carriage.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At this manifestation all uncertainty departed, and I now understood that to
+some obscure end witchcraft of a very powerful and high-caste kind was being
+employed around me; for in no other way was it credible to one&rsquo;s
+intelligence that a person could propel himself through the air with a speed
+greater than that of one of these fire-chariots, and overtake it. Doubtless it
+was a part of this same scheme which made it seem expedient to the stranger
+that he should feign a part, for he at once greeted me as though the occasion
+were a matter of everyday happening, exclaiming genially&mdash;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Well, Mr. Kong, returning? And what do you think of the Palace?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;It is fitly observed, &lsquo;To the earthworm the rice stalk is as high
+as the pagoda,&rsquo;&rdquo; I replied with adroit evasion, clearly
+understanding from his manner that for some reason, not yet revealed to me, a
+course of dissimulation was expedient in order to mislead the surrounding
+demons concerning my movements, and by a subtle indication of the face
+conveying to the stranger an assurance that I had tactfully grasped the
+requirement, and would endeavour to walk well upon his heels, &ldquo;and
+therefore it would be unseemly for a person of my insignificant attainments to
+engage in the doubtful flattery of comparing it with the many other residences
+of the pure and exalted which embellish your Capital.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Oh,&rdquo; said the one whom I may now suitably describe by the name of
+Sir Philip, &ldquo;that&rsquo;s rather a useful proverb sometimes. Many people
+there?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At this inquiry I could not disguise from myself an emotion that the person
+seated opposite was not diplomatically inspired in so persistently clinging to
+the one subject upon which he must assuredly know that I experienced an
+all-pervading deficiency. Nevertheless, being by this more fully convinced that
+the disguise was one of critical necessity, and not deeming that the essential
+ceremonies of one Palace would differ from those of another, no matter in what
+land they stood (while through all I read a clear design on Sir Philip&rsquo;s
+part that the opportunity was craftily arranged so that I might impress upon
+any vindictively-intentioned spirits within hearing an assumption of high
+protection), I replied that the gathering had been one of unparalleled
+splendour, both by reason of the multitude of exalted nobles present and also
+owing to the jewelled magnificence lavished on every detail. Furthermore, I
+continued, now definitely abandoning all the promptings of a wise reserve, and
+reflecting, as we say, that one may as well be drowned in the ocean as in a
+wooden bucket, not only did the sublime and unapproachable sovereign graciously
+permit me to kow-tow respectfully before him, but subsequently calling me to
+his side beneath a canopy of golden radiance, he conversed genially with me and
+benevolently assured me of his sympathetic favour on all occasions (this, I
+conjectured, would certainly overawe any Evil Force not among the very highest
+circles), while the no less magnanimous Prince of the Imperial Line questioned
+me with flattering assiduousness concerning a method of communicating with
+persons at a distance by means of blows or stamps upon a post (as far as the
+outer meaning conveyed itself to me), the houses which we build, and whether
+they contained an adequate provision of enclosed spaces in the walls.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Doubtless I could have continued in this praiseworthy spirit of delicate
+cordiality to an indefinite amount had I not chanced to observe at this point
+that the expression of Sir Philip&rsquo;s urbanity had become entangled in a
+variety of other emotions, not all propitious to the scheme, so that in order
+to retire imperceptibly within myself I smiled broad-mindedly, remarking that
+it was well said that the moon was only bright while the sun was hid, and that
+I had lately been dazzled with the sight of so much brilliance and virtuous
+condescension that there were occasions when I questioned inwardly how much I
+had really witnessed, and how much had been conveyed to me in the nature of an
+introspective vision.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It will already have been made plain to you, O my courtly-mannered father, that
+these barbarians are totally deficient in the polite art whereby two persons
+may carry on a flattering and highly-attuned conversation, mutually
+advantageous to the esteem of each, without it being necessary in any way that
+their statements should have more than an ornamental actuality. So wanting in
+this, the most concentrated form of truly well-bred entertainment, are even
+their high officials, that after a few more remarks, to which I made answer in
+a spirit of skilfully-sustained elusiveness, the utterly obtuse Sir Philip said
+at length, &ldquo;Excuse my asking, Mr. Kong, but have you really been to the
+Alexandra Palace at all?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Admittedly there are few occasions in life on which it is not possible to fail
+to see the inopportune or low-class by a dignified impassiveness of features,
+an adroitly-directed jest, or a remark of baffling inconsequence, but in the
+face of so distressingly straightforward a demand what can be advanced by a
+person of susceptible refinement when opposed to one of incomparably larger
+dimensions, imprisoned by his side in the recess of a fire-chariot which is
+leaping forward with uncurbed velocity, and surrounded by demons with whose
+habits and partialities he is unfamiliar?
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;In a manner of expressing the circumstance,&rdquo; I replied, &ldquo;it
+is not to be denied that this person&rsquo;s actual footsteps may have
+imperceptibly been drawn somewhat aside from the path of his former design. Yet
+inasmuch as it is truly said that the body is in all things subservient to the
+mind, and is led withersoever it is willed, and as your engaging directions
+were scrupulously observed with undeviating fidelity, it would be impertinently
+self-opinionated on this person&rsquo;s part to imply that they failed to guide
+him to his destination. Thus, for all ceremonial purposes, it is permissible
+conscientiously to assume that he HAS been there.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;I am afraid that I must not have been sufficiently clear,&rdquo; said
+Sir Philip. &ldquo;Did you miss the train at King&rsquo;s Cross?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;By no means,&rdquo; I replied firmly, pained inwardly that he should
+cast the shadow of such narrow incompetence upon me. &ldquo;Seeing this machine
+on the point of setting forth on a journey, even as your overwhelming sagacity
+had enabled you to predict would be the case, I embarked with self-reliant
+confidence.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Good lord!&rdquo; murmured the person opposite, beginning to manifest an
+excess of emotion for which I was quite unable to account. &ldquo;Then you have
+been in this train&mdash;your actual footsteps I mean, Mr. Kong; not your
+ceremonial abstract subliminal ego&mdash;ever since?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+To this I replied that his words shone like the moon at midnight with
+scintillating points of truth; adding, however, as the courtesies of the
+occasion required, that I had been so impressed with the many-sided brilliance
+of his conversation earlier in the day as to render the flight of time
+practically unnoticed by me.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;But did it never occur to you to ask at one of the stations?&rdquo; he
+demanded, still continuing to wave his hands incapably from side to side.
+&ldquo;Any of the porters would have told you.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Kong Li Heng, the founder of our line, who was really great, has been
+dead eleven centuries, and no single fact or incident connected with his life
+has been preserved to influence mankind,&rdquo; I replied. &ldquo;How much less
+will it matter, then, even in so limited a space of time as a hundred years, in
+what fashion so insignificant a person as the one before you acted on any
+occasion, and why, therefore, should he distress himself unnecessarily to any
+precise end?&rdquo; In this manner I sought to place before him the dignified
+example of an imperturbability which can be maintained in every emergency, and
+at the same time to administer a plain yet scrupulously-sheathed rebuke; for
+the inauspicious manner in which he had first drawn me on to speak confidently
+of the ceremonies of the Royal Palace and then held up my inadequacy to
+undeserved contempt had not rejoiced my imagination, and I was still uncertain
+how much to claim, and whether, perchance, even yet a more subtle craft lay
+under all.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Well, in any case, when you go back you can claim the distinction of
+having been taken seven times round London, although you can&rsquo;t really
+have seen much of it,&rdquo; said Sir Philip. &ldquo;This is a Circle
+train.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At this assertion I looked up. Though admittedly curved a little about the roof
+the chariot was in every essential degree what we should pronounce to be a
+square one; whereupon, feeling at length that the involvement had definitely
+passed to a point beyond my contemptible discernment, I spread out my hands
+acquiescently and affably remarked that the days were lengthening out
+pleasantly.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+In such a manner I became acquainted with the one Sir Philip, and thereby, in a
+somewhat circuitous line, the original purpose which possessed my brush when I
+began this inept and commonplace letter is reached; for the person in question
+not only lay upon himself the obligation of leading me &ldquo;by the strings of
+his apron-garment&rdquo;&mdash;in the characteristic and fanciful turn of the
+barbarian language&mdash;to that same Palace on the following day, but
+thenceforth gracefully affecting to discern certain agreeable virtues in my
+conversation and custom of habit he frequently sought me out. More recently, on
+the double plea that they of his household had a desire to meet me, and that if
+I spent all my time within the Capital my impressions of the Island would
+necessarily be ill-balanced and deformed, he advanced a project that I should
+accompany him to a spot where, as far as I was competent to grasp the idiom, he
+was in the habit of sitting (doubtless in an abstruse reverie), in the country;
+and having assured myself by means of discreet innuendo that the seat referred
+to would be adequate for this person also, and that the occasion did not in any
+way involve a payment of money, I at once expressed my willingness towards the
+adventure.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+With numerous expressions of unfeigned regret (from a filial point of view)
+that the voice of one of the maidens of the household, lifted in the nature of
+a defiance against this one to engage with her in a two-handed conflict of hong
+pong, obliges him to bring this immature composition to a hasty close.
+</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+KONG HO.
+</p>
+
+</div><!--end chapter-->
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2><a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"></a>
+LETTER X</h2>
+
+<p class="letter">
+Concerning the authority of this high official, Sir Philip. The
+side-slipperyness of barbarian etiquette. The hurl- headlong sportiveness and
+that achieving its end by means of curved mallets.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Venerated Sire,&mdash;If this person&rsquo;s memory is accurately poised on the
+detail, he was compelled to abandon his former letter (when on the point of
+describing the customs of these outer places), in order to take part in a
+philosophical discussion with some of the venerable sages of the neighbourhood.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Resuming the narration where it had reached this remote province of the Empire,
+it is a suitable opportunity to explain that this same Sir Philip is here
+greeted on every side with marks of deferential submission, and is undoubtedly
+an official of high button, for whenever the inclination seizes him he causes
+prisoners to be sought out, and then proceeds to administer justice impartially
+upon them. In the case of the wealthy and those who have face to lose, the
+matter is generally arranged, to his profit and to the satisfaction of all, by
+the payment of an adequate sum of money, after the invariable custom of our own
+mandarincy. When this incentive to leniency is absent it is usual to condemn
+the captive to imprisonment in a cell (it is denied officially, but there is no
+reason to doubt that a large earthenware vessel is occasionally used for this
+purpose,) for varying periods, though it is notorious that in the case of the
+very necessitous they are sometimes set freely at liberty, and those who took
+them publicly reprimanded for accusing persons from whose condition no possible
+profit could arise. This confinement is seldom inflicted for a longer period
+than seven, fourteen, or twenty-one days (these being lucky numbers,) except in
+the case of those who have been held guilty of ensnaring certain birds and
+beasts which appear to be regarded as sacred, for they have their duly
+appointed attendants who wear a garb and are trained in the dexterous use of
+arms, lurking with loaded weapons in secret places to catch the unwary, both by
+night and day. Upheld by the high nature of their office these persons shrink
+from no encounter and even suffer themselves to be killed with resolute
+unconcern; but when successful they are not denied an efficient triumph, for it
+is admitted that those whom they capture are marked men from that time
+(doubtless being branded upon the body with the name of their captor), and no
+future defence is availing. The third punishment, that of torture, is reserved
+for a class of solitary mendicants who travel from place to place, doubtless
+spreading the germs of an inflammatory doctrine of rebellion, for, owing to my
+own degraded obtuseness, the actual nature of their crimes could never be made
+clear to me. Of the tortures employed that known in their language as the
+&ldquo;bath&rdquo; (for which we have no real equivalent,) is the most dreaded,
+and this person has himself beheld men of gigantic proportions, whose bodies
+bore the stain of a voluntary endurance to every privation, abandon themselves
+to a most ignoble despair upon hearing the ill-destined word. Unquestionably
+the infliction is closely connected with our own ordeal of boiling water, but
+from other indications it is only reasonable to admit that there is an added
+ingredient, of which we probably have no knowledge, whereby the effect is
+enhanced in every degree, and the outer surface of the victim rendered more
+vulnerable. There is also another and milder form of torture, known as the
+&ldquo;task&rdquo;, consisting either of sharp-edged stones being broken upon
+the body, or else the body broken upon sharp-edged stones, but precisely which
+is the official etiquette of the case this person&rsquo;s insatiable passion
+for accuracy and his short-sighted limitations among the more technical
+outlines of the language, prevent him from stating definitely.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Let it here be openly confessed that the intricately-arranged titles used among
+these islanders, and the widely-varying dignities which they convey, have never
+ceased to embarrass my greetings on all occasions, and even yet, when a more
+crystal insight into their strangely illogical manners enables me not only to
+understand them clearly myself, but also to expound their significance to
+others, a necessary reticence is blended with my most profuse cordiality, and
+my salutations to one whom I am for the first time encountering are now so
+irreproachably balanced, that I can imperceptibly develop them into an engaging
+effusion, or, without actual offence, draw back into a condition of
+unapproachable exclusiveness as the necessity may arise. With us, O my
+immaculate sire, a yellow silk umbrella has for three thousand years denoted a
+fixed and recognisable title. A mandarin of the sixth degree need not hesitate
+to mingle on terms of assured equality with other mandarins of the sixth
+degree, and without any guide beyond a seemly instinct he perceives the
+reasonableness of assuming a deferential obsequiousness before a mandarin of
+the fifth rank, and a counterbalancing arrogance when in the society of an
+official who has only risen to the seventh degree, thus conforming to that
+essential principle of harmonious intercourse, &ldquo;Remember that Chang
+Chow&rsquo;s ceiling is Tong Wi&rsquo;s floor&rdquo;; but who shall walk with
+even footsteps in a land where the most degraded may legally bear the same
+distinguished name as that of the enlightened sovereign himself, where the
+admittedly difficult but even more purposeless achievement of causing a gold
+mine to float is held to be more praiseworthy than to pass a competitive
+examination or to compose a poem of inimitable brilliance, and where one
+wearing gilt buttons and an emblem in his hat proves upon ingratiating approach
+not to be a powerful official but a covetous and illiterate slave of inferior
+rank? Thus, through their own narrow-minded inconsistencies, even the most
+ceremoniously-proficient may at times present an ill-balanced attitude. This,
+without reproach to himself, concerns the inward cause whereby the one who is
+placed to you in the relation of an affectionate and ever-resourceful son found
+unexpectedly that he had lost the benignant full face of a lady of exalted
+title.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At that time I had formed the acquaintance, in an obscure quarter of the city,
+of one who wore a uniform, and was addressed on all sides as the commander of a
+band, while the gold letters upon the neck part of his outer garment inevitably
+suggested that he had borne an honourable share in the recent campaign in a
+distant land. As I had frequently met many of similar rank drinking tea at the
+house of the engaging countess to whom I have alluded, I did not hesitate to
+prevail upon this Captain Miggs to accompany me there upon an occasion also,
+assuring him of equality and a sympathetic reception; but from the moment of
+our arrival the attitudes of those around pointed to the existence of some
+unpropitious barrier invisible to me, and when the one with whom I was
+associated took up an unassailable position upon the central table, and began
+to speak authoritatively upon the subject of The Virtues, the unenviable
+condition of the proud and affluent, and the myriads of fire-demons certainly
+laying in wait for those who partook of spiced tea and rich foods in the
+afternoon, and did not wear a uniform similar to his own, I began to recognise
+that the selection had been inauspiciously arranged. Upon taxing some around
+with the discrepancy (as there seemed to be no more dignified way of evading
+the responsibility), they were unable to contend against me that there were,
+indeed, two, if not more, distinct varieties of those bearing the rank of
+captain, and that they themselves belonged to an entirely different camp,
+wearing another dress, and possessing no authority to display the symbol of the
+letters S.A. upon their necks. With this admission I was content to leave the
+matter, in no way accusing them of actual duplicity, yet so withdrawing that
+any of unprejudiced standing could not fail to carry away the impression that I
+had been the victim of an unworthy artifice, and had been lured into their
+society by the pretext that they were other than what they really were.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+With the bitter-flavoured memory of this, and other in no way dissimilar
+episodes, lingering in my throat, it need not be a matter of conjecture that
+for a time I greeted warily all who bore a title, a mark of rank, or any
+similar appendage; who wore a uniform, weapon, brass helmet, jewelled crown,
+coat of distinctive colour, or any excessive superfluity of pearl or metal
+buttons; who went forth surrounded by a retinue, sat publicly in a chair or
+allegorical chariot, spoke loudly in the highways and places in a tone of
+official pronouncement, displayed any feather, emblem, inscribed badge, or
+printed announcement upon a pole, or in any way conducted themselves in what we
+should esteem to be fitting to a position of high dignity. From this arose the
+absence of outward enthusiasm with which I at first received Sir Philip&rsquo;s
+extended favour; for although I had come to distrust all the reasonable signs
+of established power, I distrusted, to a much more enhanced degree, their
+complete absence; and when I observed that the one in question was never
+accompanied by a band of musicians or flower-strewers, that he mingled as
+though on terms of familiar intercourse with the ordinary passers-by in the
+streets, and never struck aside those who chanced to impede his progress, and
+that he actually preferred those of low condition to approach him on their
+feet, rather than in the more becoming attitude of unconditional prostration, I
+reasoned with myself whether indeed he could consistently be a person of
+well-established authority, or whether I was not being again led away from my
+self-satisfaction by another obliquity of barbarian logic. It was for this
+reason that I now welcomed the admitted power which he has of incriminating
+persons in a variety of punishable offences, and I perceived with an added
+satisfaction that here, where this privilege is more fully understood, few meet
+him without raising their hands to the upper part of their heads in token of
+unquestioning submission; or, as one would interpret the symbolism into actual
+words, meaning, &ldquo;Thus, from this point to the underneath part of our
+sandals, all between lies in the hollow of your comprehensive hand.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>
+There is a written jest among another barbarian nation that these among whom I
+am tarrying, being by nature a people who take their pleasures tragically, when
+they rise in the morning say, one to another, &ldquo;Come, behold; it is
+raining again as usual; let us go out and kill somebody.&rdquo; Undoubtedly the
+pointed end of this adroit-witted saying may be found in the circumstance that
+it is, indeed, as the proverb aptly claims, raining on practically every
+occasion in life; while, to complete the comparison, for many dynasties past
+this nation has been successfully engaged in killing people (in order to
+promote their ultimate benefit through a momentary inconvenience,) in every
+part of the world. Thus the lines of parallel thought maintain a harmonious
+balance beyond the general analogy of their sayings; but beneath this may be
+found an even subtler edge, for in order to inure themselves to the requirement
+of a high destiny their various games and manners of disportment are, with a
+set purpose, so rigorously contested that in their progress most of the weak
+and inefficient are opportunely exterminated.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+There is a favourite and well-attended display wherein two opposing bands, each
+clad in robes of a distinctive colour, stand in extended lines of mutual
+defiance, and at a signal impetuously engage. The design of each is by force or
+guile to draw their opponents into an unfavourable position before an arch of
+upright posts, and then surging irresistibly forward, to carry them beyond the
+limit and hurl them to the ground. Those who successfully inflict this
+humiliation upon their adversaries until they are incapable of further
+resistance are hailed victorious, and sinking into a graceful attitude receive
+each a golden cup from the magnanimous hands of a maiden chose to the service,
+either on account of her peerless outline, the dignified position of her House,
+or (should these incentives be obviously wanting,) because the chief ones of
+her family are in the habit of contributing unstintingly to the equipment of
+the triumphal band. There is also another kind of strife, differing in its
+essentials only so far that all who engage therein are provided with a curved
+staff, with which they may dexterously draw their antagonists beyond the
+limits, or, should they fail to defend themselves adequately, break the smaller
+bones of their ankles. But this form of encounter, despite the use of these
+weapons, is really less fatal than the other, for it is not a permissible act
+to club an antagonist resentfully about the head with the staff, nor yet even
+to thrust it rigidly against his middle body. From this moderation the public
+countenance extended to the curved-pole game is contemptibly meagre when viewed
+by the side of the overwhelming multitudes which pour along every channel in
+order to witness a more than usually desperate trial of the hurl-headlong
+variety (the sight, indeed, being as attractive to these pale, blood-thirsty
+foreigners as an unusually large execution is with us), and as a consequence
+the former is little reputed save among maidens, the feeble, and those of
+timorous instincts.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Thus positioned, regarding a knowledge of their outside amusements, it has
+always been one of the most prominent ambitions of this person&rsquo;s strategy
+to avoid being drawn into any encounter. At the same time, the thought that the
+maidens of the household here (of whom there are several, all so attractively
+proportioned that to compare them in a spirit of definite preference would be
+distastefully presumptuous to this person,) should regard me as one lacking in
+a sufficient display of violence was not fragrant to my sense of refinement; so
+that when Sir Philip, a little time after our arrival, related to me that on
+the following day he and a chosen band were to be engaged in the match of a
+cricket game against adversaries from the village, and asked whether I cared to
+bear a part in the strife, I grasped the muscles of the upper part of my left
+arm with my right hand&mdash;as I had frequently seen the hardy and virile do
+when the subject of their powers had been raised questioningly&mdash;and
+replied that I had long concealed an insatiable wish to take such a part at a
+point where the conflict would be the most revengefully contested.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Being thus inflexibly committed it became very necessary to arrange a
+well-timed intervention (whether in the nature of bodily disorder, fire, or
+demoniacal upheaval, a warning omen, or the death of some of our chief
+antagonists), but before doing so I was desirous of understanding how this
+contest, which had hitherto remained outside my experience, was waged.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+There is here one of benevolent rotundity in whose authority lie the cavernous
+stores beneath the house and the vessels of gold and silver; of menial rank
+admittedly, yet exacting a seemly deference from all by the rich urbanity of
+his voice and the dignity of his massive proportions. In the affable
+condescension of his tone, and the discriminating encouragement of his attitude
+towards me on all occasions, I have read a sympathetic concern over my welfare.
+Him I now approached, and taking him aside, I first questioned him flatteringly
+about his age and the extent of his yearly recompense, and then casually
+inquired what in his language he would describe the nature of a cricket to be.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;A cricket?&rdquo; repeated the obliging person readily; &ldquo;a
+cricket, sir, is a hinsect. Something, I take it, after the manner of a
+grass-&rsquo;opper.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Truly,&rdquo; I agreed. &ldquo;It is aptly likened. And, to continue the
+simile, a game cricket&mdash;?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;A game cricket?&rdquo; he replied; &ldquo;well, sir, naturally a game
+one would be more gamier than the others, wouldn&rsquo;t it?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;The inference is unflinching,&rdquo; I admitted, and after successfully
+luring away his mind from any significance in the inquiry by asking him whether
+the gift of a lacquered coffin or an embroidered shroud would be the more
+regarded on parting, I left him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+His words, esteemed, for a definite reason were as the jade-clappered melody of
+a silver bell. This trial of sportiveness, it became clear,&mdash;less of a
+massacre than most of their amusements&mdash;is really a rivalry of leapings
+and dexterity of the feet: a conflict of game crickets or grass-hoppers, in the
+somewhat wide-angled obscurity of their language, or, as we would more
+appropriately call it doubtless, a festive competition in the similitude of
+high-spirited locusts. To whatever degree the surrounding conditions might
+vary, there could no longer be a doubt that the power of leaping high into the
+air was the essential constituent of success in this barbarian match of
+crickets&mdash;and in such an accomplishment this person excelled from the time
+of his youth with a truly incredible proficiency. Can it be a reproach, then,
+that when I considered this, and saw in a vision the contempt of inferiority
+which I should certainly be able to inflict upon these native crickets before
+the eyes of their maidens, even the accumulated impassiveness of thirty-seven
+generations of Kong fore-fathers broke down for the moment, and unable to
+restrain every vestige of emotion I crept unperceived to the ancestral hall of
+Sir Philip and there shook hands affectionately with myself before each of the
+nine ironclad warriors about its walls before I could revert to a becoming
+state of trustworthy unconcern. That night in my own upper chamber I spent many
+hours in testing my powers and studying more remarkable attitudes of locust
+flight, and I even found to be within myself some new attainments of life-like
+agility, such as feigning the continuous note of defiance with which the insect
+meets his adversary, as remaining poised in the air for an appreciable moment
+at the summit of each leap, and of conveying to the body a sudden and
+disconcerting sideway movement in the course of its ascent. So immersed did I
+become in the achievement of a high perfection that, to my never-ending
+self-reproach, I failed to notice a supernatural visitation of undoubted
+authenticity; for the next morning it was widely admitted that a certain
+familiar demon of the house, which only manifests its presence on occasions of
+tragic omen, had been heard throughout the night in warning, not only beating
+its head and body against the walls and doors in despair, but raising from time
+to time a wailing cry of soul-benumbing bitterness.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+With every assurance that the next letter, though equally distorted in style
+and immature in expression, will contain the record of a deteriorated but ever
+upward-striving son&rsquo;s ultimate triumph.
+</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+KONG HO.
+</p>
+
+</div><!--end chapter-->
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2><a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"></a>
+LETTER XI</h2>
+
+<p class="letter">
+Concerning the game which we should call &ldquo;Locusts,&rdquo; and the deeper
+significance of its acts. The solicitous warning of one passing inwards and the
+complication occasioned by his ill-chosen words. Concerning that victory
+already dimly foreshadowed.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Venerated Sire,&mdash;This barbarian game of agile grass-hoppers is not
+conducted in the best spirit of a really well-balanced display, and although
+the one now inscribing his emotions certainly achieved a wide popularity, and
+wore his fig leaves with becoming modesty, he has never since been quite free
+from an overhanging doubt that the compliments and genial remarks with which he
+was assailed owed their modulation to an unsubstantial atmosphere of two-edged
+significance which for a period enveloped all whom he approached; as in the
+faces of maidens concealed behind fans when he passed, the down-drawn lips and
+up-raised eyes of those of fuller maturity, the practice in most of his own
+kind of turning aside, pressing their hands about their middle parts, and
+bending forward into a swollen attitude devoid of grace, on the spur of a
+sudden remembrance, and in the auspicious but undeniably embarrassing manner in
+which all the unfledged ones of the village clustered about his retiring
+footsteps, saluting him continually as one &ldquo;James,&rdquo; upon whom had
+been conferred the gratifying title of &ldquo;Sunny.&rdquo; Thus may the
+outline of the combat be recounted.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+From each opposing group eleven were chosen as a band, and we of our company
+putting on a robe of distinctive green (while they elected to be regarded as an
+assemblage of brown crickets), we presently came to a suitable spot where the
+trial was to be decided. So far this person had reasonably assumed that at a
+preconcerted signal the contest would begin, all rising into the air together,
+uttering cries of menace, bounding unceasingly and in every way displaying the
+dexterity of our proportions. Indeed, in the reasonableness of this expectation
+it cannot be a matter for reproach to one of the green grass-hoppers&mdash;who
+need not be further indicated&mdash;that he had already begun a well-simulated
+note of challenge to those around clad in brown, and to leap upwards in a
+preparatory essay, when the ever-alert Sir Philip took him affectionately by
+the arm, on the plea that the seclusion of a neighbouring pavilion afforded a
+desirable shade.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beyond that point it is difficult to convey an accurately grouped and fully
+spread-out design of the encounter. In itself the scheme and intention of
+counterfeiting the domestic life and rivalries of two opposing bands of insects
+was pleasantly conceived, and might have been carried out with harmonious
+precision, but, after the manner of these remote tribes, the original project
+had been overshadowed and the purity of the imagination lost beneath a mass of
+inconsistent detail. To this imperfection must it be laid that when at length
+this person was recalled from the obscurity of the pagoda and the alluring
+society of a maiden of the village, to whom he was endeavouring to expound the
+strategy of the game, and called upon to engage actively in it, he courteously
+admitted to those who led him forth that he had not the most shadowy-outlined
+idea of what was required of him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Nevertheless they bound about his legs a frilled armour, ingeniously fashioned
+to represent the ribbed leanness of the insect&rsquo;s shank, encased his hands
+and feet in covers to a like purpose, and pressing upon him a wooden club
+indicated that the time had come for him to prove his merit by venturing alone
+into the midst of the eleven brown adversaries who stood at a distance in
+poised and expectant attitudes.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Assuredly, benignant one, this sport of contending locusts began, as one
+approached nearer to it, to wear no more pacific a face than if it had been a
+carnage of the hurl-headlong or the curved-hook varieties. In such a
+competition, it occurred to him, how little deference would be paid to this
+one&rsquo;s title of &ldquo;Established Genius,&rdquo; or how inadequately
+would he be protected by his undoubted capacity of leaping upwards, and even in
+a sideway direction, for no matter how vigorously he might propel himself, or
+how successfully he might endeavour to remain self-sustained in the air, the
+ill-destined moment could not be long deferred when he must come down again
+into the midst of the eleven&mdash;all doubtless concealing weapons as massive
+and fatally-destructive as his own. This prospect, to a person of quiescent
+taste, whose chief delight lay in contemplating the philosophical subtleties of
+the higher Classics, was in itself devoid of glamour, but with what funereal
+pigments shall he describe his sinking emotions when one of his own band,
+approaching him as he went, whispered in his ear, &ldquo;Look out at this end;
+they kick up like the very devil. And their man behind the wicket is really
+smart; if you give him half a chance he&rsquo;ll have your stumps down before
+you can say &lsquo;knife.&rsquo;&rdquo; Shorn of its uncouth familiarity, this
+was a charitable warning that they into whose stronghold I was turning my
+footsteps&mdash;perhaps first deceiving my alertness with a proffered
+friendship&mdash;would kick with the ferocity of untamed demons, and that one
+in particular, whose description, to my added despair, I was unable to retain,
+was known to possess a formidable knife, with which it was his intention to cut
+off this person&rsquo;s legs at the first opportunity, before he could be
+accused of the act. Truly, &ldquo;To one whom he would utterly destroy Buddha
+sends a lucky dream.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Behind lay the pagoda (though the fact that this one did admittedly turn round
+for a period need not be too critically dwelt upon), with three tiers of
+maidens, some already waving their hands as an encouraging token; on each side
+a barrier of prickly growth inopportunely presented itself, while in front the
+eleven kicking crickets stood waiting, and among them lurked the one grasping a
+doubly-edged blade of a highly proficient keenness.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+There are occasional moments in the life of a person when he has the inward
+perception of retiring for a few paces and looking back in order to consider
+his general appearance and to judge how he is situated with regard to himself,
+to review his past life in a spirit of judicial severity, to arrange definitely
+upon a future composed entirely of acts of benevolence, and to examine the
+working of destiny at large. In such a scrutiny I now began to understand that
+it would perhaps have been more harmonious to my love of contemplative repose
+if I had considered the disadvantages closer before venturing into this
+barbarian region, or, at least, if I had used the occasion profitably to
+advance an argument tending towards a somewhat fuller allowance of taels from
+your benevolent sleeve. Our own virtuous and flower-strewn land, it is true,
+does not possess an immunity from every trifling drawback. The Hoang
+Ho&mdash;to concede specifically the existence of some of
+these&mdash;frequently bursts through its restraining barriers and
+indiscriminately sweeps away all those who are so ill-advised as to dwell
+within reach of its malignant influence. From time to time wars and
+insurrections are found to be necessary, and no matter how morally-intentioned
+and humanely conducted, they necessarily result in the violation, dismemberment
+or extirpation of many thousand polite and dispassionate persons who have no
+concern with either side. Towns are repeatedly consumed by fire, districts
+scourged by leprosy, and provinces swept by famine. The storms are admittedly
+more fatal than elsewhere, the thunderbolts larger, more numerous, and all
+unerringly directed, while the extremities of heat and cold render life really
+uncongenial for the greater part of each year. The poor, having no money to
+secure justice, are evilly used, whereas the wealthy, having too much, are
+assailed legally by the gross and powerful for the purpose of extorting their
+riches. Robbers and assassins lurk in every cave; vast hoards of pirates
+blacken the surface of every river; and mandarins of the nine degrees must make
+a livelihood by some means or other. By day, therefore, it is inadvisable to go
+forth and encounter human beings, while none but the shallow-headed would risk
+a meeting with the countless demons and vampires which move by night. To one
+who has spent many moons among these foreign apparitions the absence of drains,
+roads, illustrated message-parchments, maidens whose voices may be heard
+protesting upon ringing a wire, loaves of conflicting dimensions, persons who
+strive to put their faces upon every advertisement, pens which emit fountains
+when carried in the pocket, a profusion of make-strong foods, and an
+Encyclopaedia Mongolia, may undoubtedly be mentioned as constituting a material
+deficiency. Affairs are not being altogether reputably conducted during the
+crisis; it can never be quite definitely asserted what the next action of the
+versatile and high-spirited Dowager Empress will be; and here it is freely
+contended that the Pure and Immortal Empire is incapable of remaining in one
+piece for much longer. These, and other inconveniences of a like nature, which
+the fastidious might distort into actual hardships, have never been denied, yet
+at no period of the nine thousand years of our civilisation has it been the
+custom to lure out the unwary, on the plea of an agreeable entertainment, and
+then to abandon him into the society of eleven club-bearing adversaries, one of
+whom may be depicted as in the act of imparting an unnecessary polish to the
+edge of his already preternaturally acute weapon, while those of his own band
+offer no protection, and three tiers of very richly-dressed maidens encourage
+him to his fate by refined gestures of approval.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Doubtless this person had unconsciously allowed his inner meditations to carry
+him away, as it may be expressed, for when he emerged from this strain of
+reverie it was to discover himself in the chariot-road and&mdash;so
+incongruously may be the actions when the controlling intelligence is
+withdrawn&mdash;even proceeding at a somewhat undignified pace in a direction
+immediately opposed to an encounter with the brown locusts. From this
+mortifying position he was happily saved by emerging from these thought-dreams
+before it was too late to return, and, also, if the detail is not too
+insignificant to be related, by the fact that certain chosen runners from his
+own company had reached a point in the road before him, and now stood joining
+their outstretched arms across the passage and raising gravity-dispelling
+cries. Smiling acquiescently, therefore, this person returned in their midst,
+and receiving a new weapon, his own club having been absent-mindedly mislaid,
+he again set forth warily to the encounter.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Yet in this he did not altogether neglect a discreet prudence. The sympathetic
+person to whom he was indebted for the pointed allusion had specifically
+declared that they who used their feet with the desperate savagery of baffled
+spectres guarded the nearer limits of their position, the intention of his
+timely hint assuredly being that I should seek to approach from the opposite
+end, where, doubtless, the more humane and conciliatory grass-hoppers were
+assembled. Thus guided I now set forth in a widely-circuitous direction, having
+the point where I meant to open an attack clearly before my eyes, yet seeking
+to deliver a more effective onslaught by reaching it to some extent unperceived
+and to this end creeping forward in the protecting shadow of the long grass and
+untrimmed herbage.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Whether the one already referred to had incapably failed to express his real
+meaning, or whether he was tremulous by nature and inordinately self-deficient,
+concerns the narration less than the fact that he had admittedly produced a
+state of things largely in excess of the actual. There is no longer any
+serviceable pretext for maintaining that those guarding any point of their
+position were other than mild and benevolent, while the only edged weapon
+displayed was one courteously produced to aid this person&rsquo;s ineffectual
+struggles to extricate himself when, by some obscure movement, he had most
+ignobly entangled his pigtail about the claws of his sandal.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Ignorant of this, the true state of things, I was still advancing subtly when
+one wearing the emblems of our band appeared from among the brown insects and
+came towards me. &ldquo;Courage!&rdquo; I exclaimed in a guarded tone, raising
+my head cautiously and rejoiced to find that I should not be alone. &ldquo;Here
+is one clad in green bearing succour, who will, moreover, obstinately defend
+his stumps to the last extremity.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;That&rsquo;s right,&rdquo; replied the opportune person agreeably;
+&ldquo;we need a few like that. But do get up on your hind legs and come along,
+there&rsquo;s a good fellow. You can play at bears in the nursery when we get
+back, if you want.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Certainly one can simulate the movements of wild animals in a market-garden if
+the impersonation is thought to be desirable, yet the reasonable analogy of the
+saying is elusive in the extreme, and I followed the ally who had thus betrayed
+my presence with a deep-set misgiving although in the absence of a more
+trustworthy guide, and in the suspicion that some point of my every ordinary
+strategy had been inept, I was compelled to mould myself identically into his
+advice.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Scarcely had he left me, and I was endeavouring to dispel any idea of treachery
+towards those about by actions of graceful courtesy, when one&mdash;unworthy of
+burial&mdash;standing a score of paces distant, (to whom, indeed, this person
+was at the moment bowing with almost passionate vehemence, inspired by the
+conviction that he, for his part, was engaged in a like attention,) suddenly
+cast a missile&mdash;which, somewhat double-facedly, he had hitherto held
+concealed in his closed hand&mdash;with undeviating force and accuracy. So
+unexpected was the movement, so painfully-impressed the vindictive contact,
+that I should have instinctively seized the offensively-directed object and
+contemptuously hurled it back again, if the consequence of the blow had not
+deprived my mind of all retaliatory ambitions. In this emergency was manifested
+a magnanimous act worthy of the incense of a poem, for a person standing
+immediately by, seeing how this one was balanced in his emotions, picked up the
+missile, and although one of the foremost of the opposing band, very obligingly
+flung it back at the assailant. Even an outcast would not have passed this
+without a suitable tribute, and turning to him, I was remarking appreciatively
+that men were not divided by seas and wooden barriers, but by the unchecked and
+conflicting lusts of the mind, when the unclean and weed-nurtured traitor
+twenty paces distant, taking a degraded advantage from this person&rsquo;s
+attitude, again propelled his weapon with an even more concentrated perfidy
+than before. At this new outrage every brown cricket shrank from the attitude
+of alert vigour which hitherto he had maintained, and as though to disassociate
+themselves from the stain of complicity all crossed over and took up new
+positions.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Up to this point, majestic head, in order to represent the adventure in its
+proper sequence, it has been advisable to present the details as they arose
+before the eyes of a reliable and dispassionate gazer. Now, however, it is no
+less seemly to declare that this barbarian sport of leaping insects is not so
+discreditably shallow as it had at first appeared, while in every action there
+may be found an apt but hidden symbol. Thus the presence of the two green
+locusts in the midst of others of a dissimilar nature represents the unending
+strife by which even the most pacific are ever surrounded. The fragile erection
+of sticks (behind which this person at first sought to defend himself until led
+into a more exposed position by one garbed in white,) may be regarded as the
+home and altar, and adequately depicts the hollowness of the protection it
+affords and the necessity of reliantly emerging to defy an invader rather than
+lurking discreditably among its recesses. The missile is the equivalent of a
+precise and immediate danger, the wooden club the natural instinct for defence
+with which all living creatures are endowed, so that when the peril is for the
+time driven away the opportunity is at hand for the display of virtuous
+amusements, the exchanging of hospitality, and the beating of professional
+drums as we would say. Thus, at the next attack the one sharing the enterprise
+with me struck the missile so proficiently that its recovery engaged the
+attention of all our adversaries, and then began to exhibit his powers by
+running and leaping towards me. Recognising that the actual moment of the
+display had arrived, this person at once emitted a penetrating cry of
+concentrated challenge, and also began to leap upwards and about, and with so
+much energy that the highly achieved limits of his flight surprised even
+himself.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+As for the bystanders, esteemed, those who opposed us, and the members of our
+own band, although this leaping sportiveness is a competition more regarded and
+practised among all orders than the pursuit of commercial eminence, or even
+than the allurements of the sublimest Classics, it may be truly imagined that
+never before had they witnessed so remarkable a game cricket. From the pagoda a
+loud cry of wonder acclaimed the dexterity of this person&rsquo;s efforts; the
+three tiers of maidens climbed one upon another in their anxiety to lose no
+detail of the adventure, and outstanders from distant points began to assemble.
+The brown enemy at once abandoned themselves to a panic, and for the most part
+cast themselves incapably to the ground, rolling from side to side in an access
+of emotion; the two arbiters clad in white conferred together, doubtless on the
+uselessness of further contest, while the ally who had summoned me to take a
+part instead of being encouraged to display his agility in a like manner
+continued to run slavishly from point to point, while I overcame the distances
+in a series of inspired bounds.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+In the meanwhile the sounds of encouragement from the ever-increasing multitude
+grew like the falling of a sudden coast storm among the ripe leaves of a
+tea-plantation, and with them the voices of many calling upon my name and
+inciting me to further and even higher achievements reached my ears. Not to
+grow small in the eyes of these estimable persons I continued in my flight, and
+abandoning all set movements and limits, I began to traverse the field in every
+direction, becoming more proficient with each effort, imparting to myself a
+sideway and even backward motion while yet in the upper spaces, remaining
+poised for an appreciable period, and lightly, yet with graceful ease, avoiding
+the embraces of those who would have detained me. Undoubtedly I could have
+maintained this supremacy until our band might justly have claimed the reward,
+had not the flattering cries of approval caused an indiscreet mistake, for the
+alarm being spread in the village that a conflagration of imposing ferocity was
+raging, an ornamental chariot conveying a band of warriors clad in brass armour
+presently entered into the strife, and discovering no fire to occupy their
+charitable energies they misguidedly honoured this offensive person by
+propelling a solid column of the purest and most refreshing water against his
+ignoble body when at the point of his highest flight. This introduction of a
+thunderbolt into the everyday life of an insect must be of questionable
+authenticity, yet not feeling sufficiently instructed in the lesser details of
+the sportiveness to challenge the device, I suffered myself to be led towards
+the pavilion with no more struggling than enough to remove the ignominy of an
+unresisting surrender, pleasantly remarking to those who bore me along that to
+a person of philosophical poise the written destiny was as apparent in the
+falling leaf as in the rising sun, pointing the saying thus: &ldquo;Although
+the Desert of Shan-tz is boundless, and mankind number a million million, yet
+in it Li-hing encountered his mother-in-law.&rdquo; Changing to meet another of
+our company setting forth with a club to make the venture, I was permitted for
+a moment to engage him; whereupon thrusting into his hand a leather charm
+against ill-directed efforts, and instructing him to bind it about his head, I
+encouraged him with the imperishable watch-word of the Emperor Tsin Su,
+&ldquo;The stars are indeed small, but their light carries as far as that of
+the full moon.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At the steps of the pagoda so great was the throng of those who would have
+overwhelmed me with their gracious attention, that had not this person&rsquo;s
+neck become practically automatic by ceaseless use of late, he would have been
+utterly unequal to the emergency. As it was, he could only bestow a superficial
+hand-wave upon a company of gold-embroidered musicians who greeted his return
+with appropriate melody, and a glance of well-indicated regret that he had no
+fuller means of conveying his complicated emotions, in the direction of the
+uppermost tier of maidens. Then the awaiting Sir Philip took him firmly towards
+the inner part of the pavilion, and announced, so adroitly and with such
+high-spirited vigour had this one maintained the conflict, that it had been
+resolutely agreed on all sides not to make a test of his competence any
+further.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Thereupon a band of very sumptuously arrayed nymphs drew near with offerings of
+liquid fat and a variety of crimson fruit, which it is customary to grind
+together on the platter&mdash;unapproachable in the result, certainly, yet
+incredibly elusive to the unwary in the manner of bruising, and practically
+ineradicable upon the more delicate shades of silk garment. In such a situation
+the one who is now relating the various incidents of the day may be imagined by
+a broad-minded and affectionate sire: partaking of this native fruit and oil,
+and from time to time expressing his insatiable anguish that he continually
+fails to become more proficient in controlling the oblique movements of the
+viands, while the less successful crickets are constrained to persevere in the
+combat, and the ever-present note of evasive purport is raised by a voice from
+behind a screen exclaiming, &ldquo;Out afore? That he may have been, but do he
+think we was a-going to give he out afore? No, maaster, us doant a-have a
+circus every day hereabouts.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Thus may this imagination of competitive locusts be set forth to the end. If a
+fuller proof of what an unostentatious self-effacement hesitates to enlarge
+upon were required, it might be found in the barbarian printed leaf, for the
+next day this person saw a public record of the strife, in which his own name
+was followed by a numerical emblem signifying that he had not stumbled or
+proved incompetent in any one particular. Sir Philip, I beheld with pained
+surprise, had obtusely suffered himself to be caught out in the committal of
+fifty-nine set offences.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+With a not unnatural anticipation that, as a result of this painstaking
+description, this person will find two well-equipped camps of contending
+locusts in Yuen-ping on his return.
+</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+KONG HO.
+</p>
+
+</div><!--end chapter-->
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2><a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"></a>
+LETTER XII</h2>
+
+<p class="letter">
+Concerning the obvious misunderstanding which has entwined itself about a
+revered parent&rsquo;s faculties of passionless discrimination. The all-water
+disportment and the two, of different sexes, who after regarding me
+conflictingly from the beginning, ended in a like but inverted manner.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Venerated Sire,&mdash;Your gem-adorned letter containing a thousand burnished
+words of profuse reproach has entered my diminished soul in the form of an
+equal number of rusty barbs. Can it be that the incapable person whom, as you
+truly say, you sent, &ldquo;to observe the philosophical subtleties of the
+barbarians, to study their dynastical records and to associate liberally with
+the venerable and dignified,&rdquo; has, in your own unapproachable felicity of
+ceremonial expression, &ldquo;according to a discreet whisper from many
+sources, chiefly affected the society of tea-house maidens, the immature of
+both sexes, doubtful characters of all classes, and criminals awaiting trial;
+has evinced an unswerving affinity towards light amusement and entertainments
+of a no-class kind; and in place of a wise aloofness, befitting a wearer of the
+third Gold Button and the Horn Belt-clasp, in situations of critical
+perplexity, seems by his own ingenuous showing to have maintained an
+unparalleled aptitude for behaving either with the crystalline simplicity of a
+Kan-su earth-tiller, or the misplaced buffoonery of a seventh-grade
+body-writher taking the least significant part in an ill-equipped Swatow
+one-cash Hall of Varied Melodies.&rdquo; Assuredly, if your striking and
+well-chosen metaphors were not more unbalanced than the ungainly attitude of a
+one-legged hunchback crossing a raging torrent by means of a slippery plank on
+a stormy night, they would cause the very acutest bitterness to the throat of a
+dutiful and always high-stepping son. There is an apt saying, however, &ldquo;A
+quarrel between two soldiers in the market-place becomes a rebellion in the
+outskirts,&rdquo; and when this person remembers that many thousand li of mixed
+elements flow between him and his usually correct and dispassionate sire, he is
+impelled to take a mild and tolerant attitude towards the momentary injustice
+brought about by the weakness of approaching old age, the vile-intentioned
+mendacity of outcasts envious of the House of Kong, and, perchance, the
+irritation brought on by a too lavish indulgence in your favourite dish of
+stewed mouse.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Having thus re-established himself in the clear-sighted affection of an ever
+mild and perfect father, and cleansed the ground of all possible
+misunderstandings in the future, this person will concede the fact that, not to
+stand beneath the faintest shadow of an implied blemish in your sympathetic
+eyes, he had no sooner understood the attitude in which he had been presented
+than he at once plunged into the virtuous society of a band of the sombre and
+benevolent.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+These, so far as his intelligence enables him to grasp the position, may be
+reasonably accepted as the barbarian equivalent of those very high-minded
+persons who in our land devote their whole lives secretly to killing others
+whom they consider the chief deities do not really approve of; for although
+they are not permitted here, either by written law or by accepted custom, to
+perform these meritorious actions, they are so intimately initiated into the
+minds and councils of the Upper Ones that they are able to pronounce very
+severe judgments of torture&mdash;a much heavier penalty than merely being
+assassinated&mdash;upon all who remain outside their league. As some of the
+most objurgatory of these alliances do not number more than a score of persons,
+it is inevitable that the ultimate condition of the whole barbarian people must
+be hazardous in the extreme.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Having associated myself with this class sufficiently to escape their
+vindictive pronouncements, and freely professed an unswerving adherence to
+their rites, I next sought out the priests of other altars, intending by a
+seemly avowal to each in turn to safeguard my future existence effectually.
+This I soon discovered to be beyond the capacity of an ordinary lifetime, for
+whereas we, with four hundred million subjects find three religions to be
+sufficient to meet every emergency, these irresolute island children, although
+numbering us only as one to ten, vacillate among three hundred; and even amid
+this profusion it is asserted that most of the barbarians are unable to find
+any temple exactly conforming to their requirements, and after writing to the
+paper to announce the fact, abandon the search in despair.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It was while I was becoming proficient in the inner subtleties of one of these
+orders&mdash;they who drink water on all occasions and wear a badge&mdash;that
+a maiden of some authority among them besought my aid for the purpose of
+amusing a band which she was desirous of propitiating into the adoption of this
+badge. It is possible that in the immature confidence of former letters this
+person may already have alluded to certain maidens with words of courteous
+esteem, but it is now necessary to admit finally that in the presence of this
+same Helena they would all appear as an uninviting growth of stunted and
+deformed poppies surrounding a luxuriant chrysanthemum. At the presumptuous
+thought of describing her illimitable excellences my fingers become claw-like
+in their confessed inadequacy to hold a sufficiently upright brush; yet without
+undue confidence it may be set down that her hands resembled the two wings of a
+mandarin drake in their symmetrical and changing motion, her hair as light and
+radiant-pointed as the translucent incense cloud floating before the golden
+Buddha of Shan-Si, thin white satin stretched tightly upon polished agate only
+faintly comparable to her jade cheeks, while her eyes were more unfathomable
+than the crystal waters of the Keng-kiang, and within their depths her pure and
+magnanimous thoughts could be dimly seen to glide like the gold and silver carp
+beneath the sacred river.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+When this insurpassable being approached me with the flattering petition
+already alluded to, my gratified emotions clashed together uncontrollably with
+the internal feeling of many volcanoes in movement, and my organs of expression
+became so entangled at the condescension of her melodious voice being directly
+addressed to one so degraded, that for several minutes I was incapable of
+further acquiescence than that conveyed by an adoring silence and an unchanging
+smile. No formality appeared worthy to greet her by, no expression of
+self-contempt sufficiently offensive to convey to her enlightenment my own
+sense of a manifold inferiority, and doubtless I should have remained in a
+transfixed attitude until she had at length turned aside, had not your
+seasonable reference to a Swatow limb-contorter struck me heavily and abruptly
+turned off the source of my agreement. Might not this all-water entertainment,
+it occurred to this one, consist in enticing him to drink a potion made
+unsuspectedly hot, in projecting him backwards into a vat of the same liquid,
+or some similar device for the pleasurable amusement of those around, which
+would come within the boundaries of your refined disapproval? As one by himself
+there was no indignity that this person would not cheerfully have submitted to,
+but the inexorable cords of an ingrained filial regard suddenly pulled him
+sideways and into another direction.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;But, Mr. Kong,&rdquo; exclaimed the bee-lipped maiden, when I had
+explained (as being less involved to her imagination,) that I was under a vow,
+&ldquo;we have been relying upon you. Could you not&rdquo;&mdash;and here she
+dropped her eyes and picked them up again with a fluttering motion which our
+lesser ones are, to an all-wise end, quite unacquainted with&mdash;&ldquo;could
+you not unvow yourself for one night, just to please ME?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At these words, the illuminated proficiency of her glance, and her honourable
+resolution to implicate me in the display by head or feet, the ever-revered
+image of a just and obedience-loving father ceased to have any further tangible
+influence. Let it be remembered that there is a deep saying, &ldquo;A virtuous
+woman will cause more evil than ten river pirates.&rdquo; As for the person who
+is recording his incompetence, the room and all those about began to engulf him
+in an ever-increasing circular motion, his knees vibrated together with
+unrestrained pliancy, and concentrating his voice to indicate by the allegory
+some faint measure of his emotion, he replied passionately, &ldquo;Let the
+amusement referred to take the form of sitting in a boiling cauldron exposed to
+the derision of all beholders, this one will now enter it wearing yellow silk
+trousers.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>
+It is characteristic of these illogical out-countries that the all-water
+diversion did not, as a matter to record, concern itself with that liquid in
+any detail, beyond the contents of a glass vessel from which a venerable
+person, who occupied a raised chair, continually partook. This discriminating
+individual spoke so confidently of the beneficial action of the fluid, and so
+unswervingly described my own feelings at the moment&mdash;as of head
+giddiness, an inexactitude of speech, and no clear definition of where the next
+step would be arrived at&mdash;as the common lot of all who did not consume
+regularly, that when that same Helena had passed on to speak to another, I left
+the hall unobserved and drank successive portions, in each case, as the night
+was cold, prudently adding a measure of the native rice spirit. His advice had
+been well-directed, for with the fourth portion I suddenly found all doubtful
+and oppressive visions withdrawn, and a new and exhilarating self-confidence
+raised in their place. In this agreeable temper I returned to the place of
+meeting to find a priest of one of the lesser orders relating a circumstance
+whereby he had encountered a wild maiden in the woods, who had steadfastly
+persisted that she was one of a band of seven (this being the luckiest
+protective number among the superstitious). Though unable to cause their
+appearance, she had gone through a most precise examination at his hands
+without deviating in the slightest particular, whereupon distrusting the
+outcome of the strife, the person who was relating the adventure had withdrawn
+breathless.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+When this versatile lesser priest had finished the narration, and the applause,
+which clearly showed that those present approved of the solitary maiden&rsquo;s
+discreet stratagem, had ceased, the one who occupied the central platform,
+rising, exclaimed loudly, &ldquo;Mr. Kong will next favour us with a
+contribution, which will consist, I am informed, of a Chinese tale.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Now there chanced to be present a certain one who had already become offensive
+to me by the systematic dexterity with which he had planted his inopportune
+shadow between the sublime-souled Helena and any other who made a movement to
+approach her heaven-dowered outline. When this presumptuous and ill-nurtured
+outcast, who was, indeed, then seated by the side of the enchanting maiden last
+referred to, heard the announcement he said in a voice feigned to reach her
+peach-skin ear alone, yet intentionally so modulated as to penetrate the
+furthest limit of the room, &ldquo;A Chinese tale! Why, assuredly, that must be
+a pig-tail.&rdquo; At this unseemly shaft many of those present allowed
+themselves to become immoderately amused, and even the goat-like sage who had
+called upon my name concealed his face behind an open hand, but the
+amiably-disposed Helena, after looking at the undiscriminating youth coldly for
+a moment, deliberately rose and moved to a vacant spot at a distance.
+Encouraged by this fragrant act of sympathy I replied with a polite bow to
+indicate the position, &ldquo;On the contrary, the story which it is now my
+presumptuous intention to relate will contain no reference whatever to the
+carefully-got-up one occupying two empty seats in the front row,&rdquo; and
+without further introduction began the history of Kao and his three brothers,
+to which I had added the title, &ldquo;The Three Gifts.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At the conclusion of this classical example of the snares ever lying around the
+footsteps of the impious, I perceived that the jocular stripling, whom I had so
+delicately reproved, was no longer present. Doubtless he had been unable to
+remain in the same room with the commanding Helena&rsquo;s high-spirited
+indignation, and anticipating that in consequence there would now be no
+obstacle to her full-faced benignity, I drew near with an appropriate smile.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It is somewhere officially recorded, &ldquo;There is only one man who knew with
+accurate certainty what a maiden&rsquo;s next attitude would be, and he died
+young of surprise.&rdquo; As I approached I had the sensation of passing into
+so severe an atmosphere of rigid disfavour, that the ingratiating lines upon my
+face became frozen in its intensity, despite the ineptness of their expression.
+Unable to penetrate the cause of my offence, I made a variety of agreeable
+remarks, until finding that nothing tended towards a becoming reconciliation, I
+gradually withdrew in despair, and again turned my face in the direction of
+that same accommodation which I had already found beneath the sign of an
+Encompassed Goat. Here, by the sarcasm of destiny, I encountered the person who
+had drawn the slighting analogy between this one&rsquo;s pig-tail and his
+ability as a story-teller. For a brief space of time the ultimate development
+of the venture was doubtfully poised, but recognising in each other&rsquo;s
+features the overhanging cloud of an allied pang, the one before me expressed a
+becoming contrition for the jest, together with a proffered cup. Not to appear
+out-classed I replied in a suitable vein, involving the supply of more vessels;
+whereupon there succeeded many more vessels, called for both singly and in
+harmonious unison, and the reappearance of numerous bright images, accompanied
+by a universal scintillation of meteor-like iridescence. In this genial and
+greatly-enlarged spirit we returned affably together to the hall, and entered
+unperceived at the moment when the one who made the announcements was crying
+aloud, &ldquo;According to the programme the next item should have been a
+Chinese poem, but as Mr. Kong Ho appears to have left the building, we shall
+pass him over&mdash;&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;What Ho?&rdquo; exclaimed the somewhat impetuous one by my side,
+stepping forward indignantly and mounting the platform in his affectionate
+zeal. &ldquo;No one shall pass over my old and valued friend&mdash;this
+Ho&mdash;while I have a paw to raise. Step forward, Mandarin, and let them
+behold the inventor and sole user of the justly far-famed G. R. Ko-Ho hair
+restorer&mdash;sent in five guinea bottles to any address on receipt of four
+penny stamps&mdash;as he appeared in his celebrated impersonation of the
+human-faced Swan at Doll and Edgar&rsquo;s. Come on, oh, Ho!&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Assuredly,&rdquo; I replied, striving to follow him, &ldquo;yet with the
+wary greeting, &lsquo;Slowly, slowly; walk slowly,&rsquo; engraved upon my
+mind, for the barrier of these convoluted stairs&mdash;&rdquo; but at this word
+a band of maidens passed out hastily, and in the tumult I reached the dais and
+began Weng Chi&rsquo;s immortal verses, entitled &ldquo;The Meandering
+Flight,&rdquo; which had occupied me three complete days and nights in the
+detail of rendering the allusions into well-balanced similitudes and at the
+same time preserving the skilful evasion of all conventional rules which raises
+the original to so sublime a height.
+</p>
+
+<p class="poem">
+The voice of one singing at the dawn;<br/>
+The seven harmonious colours in the sky;<br/>
+The meeting by the fountain;<br/>
+The exchange of gifts, and the sound of the processional drum;<br/>
+The emotion of satisfaction in each created being;<br/>
+This is the all-prominent indication of the Spring.<br/>
+<br/>
+The general disinclination to engage in laborious tasks;<br/>
+The general readiness to consume voluminous potions on any pretext.<br/>
+The deserted appearance of the city and the absence of the come-in motion at
+every door;<br/>
+The sportiveness of maidens, and even those of maturer age, ethereally clad,
+upon the shore.<br/>
+The avowed willingness of merchants to dispose of their wares for half the
+original sum.<br/>
+This undoubtedly is the Summer.<br/>
+<br/>
+The yellow tea leaf circling as it falls;<br/>
+The futile wheeling of the storm-tossed swan;<br/>
+The note of the marble lute at evening by the pool;<br/>
+The immobile cypress seen against the sun.<br/>
+The unnecessarily difficult examination paper.<br/>
+All these things are suggestive of the Autumn.<br/>
+<br/>
+The growing attraction of a well-lined couch.<br/>
+The obsequious demeanour of message-bearers, charioteers, and the club-armed
+keepers of peace.<br/>
+The explosion of innumerable fire-crackers round the convivial shrines,<br/>
+The gathering together of relations who at all other times shun each other
+markedly.<br/>
+The obtrusive recollection of a great many things contrary to a spoken vow, and
+the inflexible purpose to be more resolute in future.<br/>
+These in turn invariably attend each Winter.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It certainly had not presented itself to me before that the words
+&ldquo;invariably attend&rdquo; are ill-chosen, but as I would have uttered
+them their inelegance became plain, and this person made eight conscientious
+attempts to soften down their harsh modulation by various interchanges. He was
+still persevering hopefully when he of chief authority approached and requested
+that the one who was thus employed and that same other would leave the hall
+tranquilly, as the all-water entertainment was at an end, and an attending
+slave was in readiness to extinguish the lanterns.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Yet,&rdquo; I protested unassumingly, &ldquo;that which has so far been
+expressed is only in the semblance of an introductory ode. There
+follow&mdash;&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;You must not argue with the Chair,&rdquo; exclaimed another interposing
+his voice. &ldquo;Whatever the Chair rules must be accepted.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;The innuendo is flat-witted,&rdquo; I replied with imperturbable
+dignity, but still retaining my hold upon the rail. &ldquo;When this person so
+far loses his sense of proportion as to contend with an irrational object,
+devoid of faculties, let the barb be cast. After that introduction dealing with
+the four seasons, the twelve gong-strokes of the day are reviewed in a like
+fashion. These in turn give place to the days of the month, then the moons of
+the year, and finally the years of the cycle.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;That&rsquo;s fair,&rdquo; exclaimed the perverse though well-meaning
+youth, whom I was beginning to recognise as the cause of some misunderstanding
+among us. &ldquo;If you don&rsquo;t want any more of his poem&mdash;and I
+don&rsquo;t blame you&mdash;my pal Ho, who is one of the popular Flip-Flap
+Troupe, offers to do some trick cycle-riding on his ears. What more can you
+expect?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;We expect a policeman very soon,&rdquo; replied another severely.
+&ldquo;He has already been sent for.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;In that case,&rdquo; said the one who had so persistently claimed me as
+an ally, &ldquo;perhaps I can do you a service by directing him here&rdquo;;
+and leaving this person to extricate himself by means of a reassuring silence
+and some of the larger silver pieces of the Island, he vanished hastily.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+With some doubt whether or not this deviation into the society of the
+professedly virtuous, ending as it admittedly does in an involvement, may not
+be deemed ill-starred; yet hopeful.
+</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+KONG HO.
+</p>
+
+</div><!--end chapter-->
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2><a name="link2H_4_0014a" id="link2H_4_0014a"></a>
+THE THREE GIFTS</h2>
+
+<p class="letter">
+Related by Kong Ho on the occasion of the all-water disportment, under the
+circumstances previously set forth.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Beyond the limits of the township of Yang-chow there dwelt a rich astrologer
+named Wei. Reading by his skilful interpretation of the planets that he would
+shortly Pass Above, he called his sons Chu, Shan, and Hing to his side and
+distributed his wealth impartially among them. To Chu he gave his house
+containing a gold couch; to Shan a river with a boat; to Hing a field in which
+grew a prolific orange-tree. &ldquo;Thus provided for,&rdquo; he continued,
+&ldquo;you will be able to live together in comfort, the resources of each
+supplying the wants of the others in addition to his own requirements.
+Therefore when I have departed let it be your first care to sacrifice
+everything else I leave, so that I also, in the Upper Air, may not be left
+destitute.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Now in addition to these three sons Wei also had another, the youngest, but one
+of so docile, respectful, and self-effacing a disposition that he was
+frequently overlooked to the advantage of his subtle, ambitious, and
+ingratiating brothers. This youth, Kao, thinking that the occasion certainly
+called for a momentary relaxation of his usual diffidence, now approached his
+father modestly, and begged that he also might be included to some trivial
+degree in his bounty.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+This reasonable petition involved Wei in an embarrassing perplexity. Although
+he had forgotten Kao completely in the division, he had now definitely
+concluded the arrangement; nor, to his failing powers, did it appear possible
+to make a just allotment on any other lines. &ldquo;How can a person profitably
+cut up an orange-tree, a boat, an inlaid couch, or a house?&rdquo; he demanded.
+&ldquo;Who can divide a flowing river, or what but unending strife can arise
+from regarding an open field in anything but its entirety? Assuredly six
+cohesive objects cannot be apportioned between four persons.&rdquo; Yet he
+could not evade the justice of Kao&rsquo;s implied rebuke, so drawing to his
+side a jade cabinet he opened it, and from among the contents he selected an
+ebony staff, a paper umbrella, and a fan inscribed with a mystical sentence.
+These three objects he placed in Kao&rsquo;s hands, and with his last breath
+signified that he should use them discreetly as the necessity arose.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+When the funeral ceremonies were over, Chu, Shan, and Hing came together, and
+soon moulded their covetous thoughts into an agreed conspiracy. &ldquo;Of what
+avail would be a boat or a river if this person sacrificed the nets and
+appliances by which the fish are ensnared?&rdquo; asked Shan. &ldquo;How little
+profit would lie in an orange-tree and a field without cattle and the
+implements of husbandry!&rdquo; cried Hing. &ldquo;One cannot occupy a gold
+couch in an empty house both by day and night,&rdquo; remarked Chu stubbornly.
+&ldquo;How inadequate, therefore, would such a provision be for three.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+When Kao understood that his three brothers had resolved to act in this
+outrageous manner he did not hesitate to reproach them; but not being able to
+contend against him honourably, they met him with ridicule. &ldquo;Do not
+attempt to rule us with your wooden staff,&rdquo; they cried contemptuously.
+&ldquo;Sacrifice IT if your inside is really sincere. And, in the meanwhile, go
+and sit under your paper umbrella and wield your inscribed fan, while we attend
+to our couch, our boat, and our orange-tree.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Truly,&rdquo; thought Kao to himself when they had departed,
+&ldquo;their words were irrationally offensive, but among them there may stand
+out a pointed edge. Our magnanimous father is now bereft of both comforts and
+necessities, and although an ebony rod is certainly not much in the
+circumstances, if this person is really humanely-intentioned he will not
+withhold it.&rdquo; With this charitable design Kao build a fire before the
+couch (being desirous, out of his forgiving nature, to associate his eldest
+brother in the offering), and without hesitation sacrificed the most
+substantial of his three possessions.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It here becomes necessary to explain that in addition to being an expert
+astrologer, Wei was a far-seeing magician. The rod of unimpressionable solidity
+was in reality a charm against decay, and its hidden virtues being thus
+destroyed, a contrary state of things naturally arose, so that the next morning
+it was found that during the night the gold couch had crumbled away into a
+worthless dust.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Even this manifestation did not move the three brothers, although the geniality
+of Shan and Hing&rsquo;s countenances froze somewhat towards Chu. Nevertheless
+Chu still possessed a house, and by pointing out that they could live as
+luxuriantly as before on the resources of the river and the field and the tree,
+he succeeded in maintaining his position among them.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+After seven days Kao reflected again. &ldquo;This avaricious person still has
+two objects, both of which he owes to his revered father&rsquo;s imperishable
+influence,&rdquo; he admitted conscience-stricken, &ldquo;while the being in
+question has only one.&rdquo; Without delay he took the paper umbrella and
+ceremoniously burned it, scattering the ashes this time upon Shan&rsquo;s
+river. Like the rod the umbrella also possessed secret virtues, its particular
+excellence being a curse against clouds, wind demons, thunderbolts and the
+like, so that during the night a great storm raged, and by the morning
+Shan&rsquo;s boat had been washed away.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+This new calamity found the three brothers more obstinately perverse than ever.
+It cannot be denied that Hing would have withdrawn from the guilty confederacy,
+but they were as two to one, and prevailed, pointing out that the house still
+afforded shelter, the river yielded some of the simpler and inferior fish which
+could be captured from the banks, and the fruitfulness of the orange-tree was
+undiminished.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At the end of seven more days Kao became afflicted with doubt. &ldquo;There is
+no such thing as a fixed proportion or a set reckoning between a dutiful son
+and an embarrassed sire,&rdquo; he confessed penitently. &ldquo;How incredibly
+profane has been this person&rsquo;s behaviour in not seeing the obligation in
+its unswerving necessity before.&rdquo; With this scrupulous resolve Kao took
+his last possession, and carrying it into the field he consumed it with fire
+beneath Hing&rsquo;s orange-tree. The fan, in turn, also had hidden properties,
+its written sentence being a spell against drought, hot winds, and the demons
+which suck the nourishment from all crops. In consequence of the act these
+forces were called into action, and before another day Hing&rsquo;s tree had
+withered away.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It is said with reason, &ldquo;During the earthquake men speak the
+truth.&rdquo; At this last disaster the impious fortitude of the three brothers
+suddenly gave way, and cheerfully admitting their mistake, each committed
+suicide, Chu disembowelling himself among the ashes of his couch, Shan sinking
+beneath the waters of his river, and Hing hanging by a rope among the branches
+of his own effete orange-tree.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+When they had thus fittingly atoned for their faults the imprecation was lifted
+from off their possessions. The couch was restored by magic art to its former
+condition, the boat was returned by a justice-loving person into whose hands it
+had fallen lower down the river, and the orange-tree put out new branches. Kao
+therefore passed into an undiminished inheritance. He married three wives, to
+commemorate the number of his brothers, and had three sons, whom he called Chu,
+Shan, and Hing, for a like purpose. These three all attained to high office in
+the State, and by their enlightened morals succeeded in wiping all the
+discreditable references to others bearing the same names from off the domestic
+tablets.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+From this story it will be seen that by acting virtuously, yet with an
+observing discretion, on all occasions, it is generally possible not only to
+rise to an assured position, but at the same time unsuspectedly to involve
+those who stand in our way in a just destruction.
+</p>
+
+</div><!--end chapter-->
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2><a name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015"></a>
+LETTER XIII</h2>
+
+<p class="letter">
+Concerning a state of necessity; the arisings engendered thereby, and the
+turned-away face of those ruling the literary quarter of the city towards one
+possessing a style. This foreign manner of feigning representations, and
+concerning my dignified portrayal of two.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Venerated Sire,&mdash;It is now more than three thousand years ago that the
+sublime moralist Tcheng How, on being condemned by a resentful official to a
+lengthy imprisonment in a very inadequate oil jar, imperturbably replied,
+&ldquo;As the snail fits his impliant shell, so can the wise adapt themselves
+to any necessity,&rdquo; and at once coiled himself up in the restricted space
+with unsuspected agility. In times of adversity this incomparable reply has
+often shone as a steadfast lantern before my feet, but recently it struck my
+senses with a heavier force, for upon presenting myself on the last occasion at
+the place of exchange frequented by those who hitherto have carried out your
+spoken promise with obliging exactitude, and at certain stated intervals freely
+granted to this person a sufficiency of pieces of gold, merely requiring in
+return an inscribed and signet-bearing record of the fact, I was received with
+no diminution of sympathetic urbanity, indeed, but with hands quite devoid of
+outstretched fulness.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+In a small inner chamber, to which I was led upon uttering courteous protests,
+one of solitary authority explained how the deficiency had arisen, but owing to
+the skill with which he entwined the most intricate terms in unbroken fluency,
+the only impression left upon my superficial mind was, that the person before
+me was imputing the scheme for my despoilment less to any mercenary instinct on
+the part of his confederates, than to a want of timely precision maintained by
+one who seemed to bear an agreeable-sounding name somewhat similar to your own,
+and who, from the difficulty of reaching his immediate ear, might be regarded
+as dwelling in a distant land. Encouraged by this conciliatory profession (and
+seeing no likelihood of gaining my end otherwise), I thereupon declared my
+willingness that the difference lying between us should be submitted to the
+pronouncement of dispassionate omens, either passing birds, flat and round
+sticks, the seeds of two oranges, wood and fire, water poured out upon the
+ground or any equally reliable sign as he himself might decide. However, in
+spite of his honourable assurances, he was doubtless more deeply implicated in
+the adventure than he would admit, for at this scrupulous proposal the
+benignant mask of his expression receded abruptly, and, striking a hidden bell,
+he waved his hands and stood up to signify that further justice was denied me.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+In this manner a state of destitution calling for the fullest acceptance of
+Tcheng How&rsquo;s impassive philosophy was created, nor had many hours faded
+before the first insidious temptation to depart from his uncompromising
+acquiescence presented itself.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At that time there was no one in whom I reposed a larger-sized piece of
+confidence (in no way involving sums of money,) than one officially styled
+William Beveledge Greyson, although, profiting by our own custom, it is unusual
+for those really intimate with his society to address him fully, unless the
+occasion should be one of marked ceremony. Forming a resolution, I now
+approached this obliging person, and revealing to him the cause of the
+emergency, I prayed that he would advise me, as one abandoned on a strange
+Island, by what handicraft or exercise of skill I might the readiest secure for
+the time a frugal competence.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Why, look here, aged man,&rdquo; at once replied the lavish William
+Greyson, &ldquo;don&rsquo;t worry yourself about that. I can easily let you
+have a few pounds to tide you over. You will probably hear from the bank in the
+course of a few days or weeks, and it&rsquo;s hardly worth while doing anything
+eccentric in the meantime.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At this delicately-worded proposal I was about to shake hands with myself in
+agreement, when the memory of Tcheng How&rsquo;s resolute submission again
+possessed me, and seeing that this would be an unworthy betrayal of destiny I
+turned aside the action, and replying evasively that the world was too small to
+hold himself and another equally magnanimous, I again sought his advice.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Now what silly upside-down idea is it that you&rsquo;ve got into that
+Chinese puzzle you call your head, Kong?&rdquo; he replied; for this same
+William was one who habitually gilded unpalatable truths into the semblance of
+a flattering jest. &ldquo;Whenever you turn off what you are saying into a
+willow-pattern compliment and bow seventeen times like an animated mandarin, I
+know that you are keeping something back. Be a man and a brother, and out with
+it,&rdquo; and he struck me heavily upon the left shoulder, which among the
+barbarians is a proof of cordiality to be esteemed much above the mere wagging
+of each other&rsquo;s hands.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;In the matter of guidance,&rdquo; I replied, &ldquo;this person is ready
+to sit unreservedly on your well-polished feet. But touching the borrowing of
+money, obligations to restore with an added sum after a certain period,
+initial-bearing papers of doubtful import, and the like, I have read too deeply
+the pointed records of your own printed sheets not to prefer an existence
+devoted to the scraping together of dust at the street corners, rather than a
+momentary affluence which in the end would betray me into the tiger-like
+voracity of a native money-lender.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Well, you do me proud, Kong,&rdquo; said William Beveledge, after
+regarding me fixedly for a moment. &ldquo;If I didn&rsquo;t remember that you
+are a flat-faced, slant-eyed, top-side-under, pig-tailed old heathen, I should
+be really annoyed at your unwarrantable personalities. Do you take ME for what
+you call a &lsquo;native money-lender&rsquo;?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;The pronouncements of destiny are written in iron,&rdquo; I replied
+inoffensively, &ldquo;and it is as truly said that one fated to end his life in
+a cave cannot live for ever on the top of a pagoda. Undoubtedly as one born and
+residing here you are native, and as inexorably it succeeds that if you lend me
+pieces of gold you become a money-lender. Therefore, though honourably inspired
+at the first, you would equally be drawn into the entanglement of circumstance,
+and the unevadible end must inevitably be that against which your printed
+papers consistently warn one.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;And what is that?&rdquo; asked Beveledge Greyson, still regarding me
+closely, as though I were a creature of another part.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;At first,&rdquo; I replied, &ldquo;there would be an alluring snare of
+graceful words, tea, and the consuming of paper-rolled herbs, and the matter
+would be lightly spoken of as capable of an easy adjustment; which, indeed, it
+cannot be denied, is how the detail stands at present. The next position would
+be that this person, finding himself unable to gather together the equivalent
+of return within the stated time, would greet you with a very supple neck and
+pray for a further extension, which would be permitted on the understanding
+that in the event of failure his garments and personal charms should be held in
+bondage. To escape so humiliating a necessity, as the time drew near I would
+address myself to another, one calling himself William, perchance, and dwelling
+in a northern province, to whom I would be compelled to assign my peach-orchard
+at Yuen-ping. Then by varying degrees of infamy I would in turn be driven to
+visit a certain Bevel of the Middle Lands, a person Edge carrying on his
+insatiable traffic on the southern coast, one Grey elsewhere, and a Mr. Son, of
+the west, who might make an honourable profession of lending money without any
+security whatever, but who in the end would possess himself of my ancestral
+tablets, wives, and inlaid coffin, and probably also obtain a lien upon my
+services and prosperity in the Upper Air. Then, when I had parted from all
+comfort in this life, and every hope of affluence in the Beyond, it would
+presently be disclosed that all these were in reality as one person who had
+unceasingly plotted to my destruction, and William Beveledge Greyson would
+stand revealed in the guise of a malevolent vampire. Truly that development has
+at this moment an appearance of unreality, and worthy even of pooh-pooh, but
+thus is the warning spread by your own printed papers and the records of your
+Halls of Justice, and it would be an unseemly presumption for one of my
+immature experience to ignore the outstretched and warning finger of
+authority.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Well, Kong,&rdquo; he said at length, after considering my words
+attentively, &ldquo;I always thought that your mental outlook was a hash of
+Black Art, paper lanterns, blank verse, twilight, and delirium tremens, but
+hang me if you aren&rsquo;t sound on finance, and I only wish that you&rsquo;d
+get some of my friends to look at the matter of borrowing in your own
+reasonable, broad-minded light. The question is, what next?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+I replied that I leaned heavily against his sagacious insight, adding, however,
+that even among a nation of barbarians one who could repeat the three hundred
+and eleven poems comprising the Book of Odes from beginning to end, and claim
+the degree &ldquo;Assured Genius&rdquo; would ever be certain of a place.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Yes,&rdquo; replied William Greyson,&mdash;&ldquo;in the workhouse. Put
+your degree in your inside pocket, Kong, and don&rsquo;t mention it.
+You&rsquo;ll have far more chance as a distressed mariner. The casual wards are
+full of B.A.&lsquo;s, but the navy can&rsquo;t get enough A.B.&lsquo;s at any
+price. What do you say to an organ, by the way? Mysterious musicians generally
+go down well, and I dare say there&rsquo;s room for a change from veiled
+ladies, persecuted captains and indigent earls. You ought to make a
+sensation.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Is it in the nature of melodious sounds upon winding a handle?&rdquo; I
+asked, not at the moment grasping with certainty to what organ he referred.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Well, some call them that,&rdquo; he admitted, &ldquo;others
+don&rsquo;t. I suppose, now, you wouldn&rsquo;t care to walk to Brighton with
+your feet tied together, or your hair in curl papers, and then get on at a
+music hall? Or would there be any chance of your Legation kidnapping you if it
+was properly worked? &lsquo;Kong Ho, the great Chinese Reformer, tells the
+Story of his Life,&rsquo;&mdash;there ought to be money in it. Are you a
+reformer or the leader of a secret society, Kong?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;On the contrary,&rdquo; I replied, &ldquo;we of our Line have ever been
+unflinching in our loyalty to the dynasty of Tsing.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;You ought to have known better, then. It&rsquo;s a poor business being
+that in your country nowadays. Pity there are no bye-elections on the African
+Labour Question, or you&rsquo;d be snapped up for a procession.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+To this I replied that although the idea of moving in a processional triumph
+would readily ensnare the minds of the light and fantastic, I should prefer
+some more literary occupation, submissively adding that in such a case I would
+not stiffen my joints against the most menial lot, even that of blending my
+voice in a laudatory chorus, or of carrying official pronouncements about the
+walls of the city, for it is said with justice, &ldquo;The starving man does
+not peel his melon, nor do the parched first wipe round the edges of the
+proffered cup.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;If you&rsquo;ve set your mind on something literary,&rdquo; said
+Beveledge confidently, &ldquo;you have every chance of finishing up in a chorus
+or carrying printed placards about the streets, certainly. When it comes to
+that, look me up in Eastcheap.&rdquo; With this encouraging assurance of my
+ultimate success he left me, and rejoicing that I had not fallen into the snare
+of opposing a written destiny, I sought the literary quarters of the city.
+</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>
+When this person has been able to write of any custom or facet of existence
+here in a strain of conscientious esteem, he has not hesitated to dip his brush
+deeply into the inkpot. Reverting backwards, this barbarian enactment of not
+permitting those who from any cause have decided upon spending the night in a
+philosophical abstraction to repose upon the public seats about the swards and
+open spaces is not conceived in a mood of affable toleration. Nevertheless
+there are deserted places beyond the furthest limits of the city where a more
+amiable full-face is shown. On the eleventh day of this one&rsquo;s
+determination to sustain himself by the exercise of his literary style, he was
+journeying about sunset towards one of these spots, subduing the grosser
+instincts of mankind by reviewing the wisdom of the sublime Lao Ch&rsquo;un,
+who decided that heat and cold, pain and fatigue, and mental distress, have no
+real existence, and are therefore amenable to logical disproof, while the
+cravings of hunger and thirst are merely the superfluous attributes of a former
+and lower state of existence, when a passer-by, who for some distance had been
+alternately advancing before and remaining behind, matched his footsteps into
+mine.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Whichee way walk-go, John, eh?&rdquo; said this unfortunate being, who
+appeared to be suffering from a laborious deformity of speech. &ldquo;Allee
+samee load me. Chin-chin.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Filled with compassion for one who evidently found himself alone in a strange
+land, in the absence of his more highly-accomplished companion, unable to
+indicate his wants and requirements to those about him, I regretfully admitted
+that I had not chanced to encounter that John whose wandering footsteps he
+sought; and to indicate, by not leaving him abruptly, that I maintained a
+sympathetic concern over his welfare, I pointed out to him the exceptional
+brilliance of the approaching night, adding that I myself was then directing a
+course towards a certain spacious Heath, a few li distant in the north.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Sing-dance tomollow, then?&rdquo; he said, with a condensed air of
+general disappointment. &ldquo;Chop-chop in a pay look-see show on
+Ham&mdash;Hamstl&mdash;oh damme! on &lsquo;Ampstead &lsquo;Eath? Booked up, eh,
+John?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Gradually convinced that it was becoming necessary to readjust the significance
+of the incident, I replied that I had no intention of partaking of chops or
+food of any variety in an erected tent, but merely of passing the night in an
+intellectual seclusion.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Oh,&rdquo; said the one who was walking by my side, regarding my
+garments with engaging attention, and at the same time appearing to regain an
+unruffled speech as though the other had been an assumed device, &ldquo;I
+understand&mdash;the Blue Sky Hotel. Well, I&rsquo;ve stayed there once or
+twice myself. A bit down on your uppers, eh?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Assuredly this person may perchance lay his upper parts down for a short
+space of time,&rdquo; I admitted, when I had traced out the symbolism of the
+words. &ldquo;As it is humanely written in The Books, &lsquo;Sleep and suicide
+are the free refuges equally of the innocent and the guilty.&rsquo;&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Oh, come now, don&rsquo;t,&rdquo; exclaimed the energetic person,
+striking himself together by means of his two hands. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s sinful
+to talk about suicide the day before bank holiday. Why, my only Somali warrior
+has vamoosed with his full make-up, and the Magnetic Girl too, and I never
+thought of suicide&mdash;only whether to turn my old woman into a Veiled Beauty
+of the Harem or a Hairy Lama from Tibet.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Not absolutely grasping the emergency, yet in a spirit of inoffensive
+cordiality I remarked that the alternative was insufferably perplexing, while
+he continued.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Then I spotted you, and in a flash I got an idea that ought to take and
+turn out really great if you&rsquo;ll come in. Now follow this:
+Missionary&rsquo;s tent in the wilds of Pekin. Domestic interior by lamp-light.
+Missionary (me) reading evening paper; missionary&rsquo;s wife (the missus)
+making tea, and between times singing to keep the small pet goat quiet (small
+goat, a pillow, horsecloth, and pocket-handkerchief). Breaks down singing,
+sobs, and says she feels a strange all-over presentiment. Missionary admits
+being a bit fluffed himself, and lets out about a notice signed in blood that
+he&rsquo;s seen in the city.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Carried upon a pole?&rdquo; this person demanded, feeling that something
+of a literary nature might yet be wrested into the incident.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;On a flagstaff if you like,&rdquo; conceded the other one magnanimously.
+&ldquo;A notice to the effect that it is the duty of every jack mother&rsquo;s
+son of them to douse the foreign devils, man, woman, and child, and especially
+the talk-book pass-hat-round men. Also that he has had several brick-ends
+heaved at him on his way back. Then stops suddenly, hits his upper crust, and
+says that it&rsquo;s like his blamed fat-headedness to frighten her; while she
+clutches at herself three times and faints away.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Amid the voluminous burning of blue lights?&rdquo; suggested this person
+resourcefully.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;By rights there should be,&rdquo; admitted the one who was devising the
+representation; &ldquo;but it will hardly run to it. Anyway, it costs nothing
+to turn the lamp down&mdash;saves a bit in fact, and gives an effect. Then
+outside, in the distance at first you understand, you begin to work up the
+sound of the advancing mob&mdash;rattles, shouts, tum-tums, groans, tin plates
+and all that one mortal man can do with hands, feet and mouth.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;With the interspersal of an occasional cracker and the stirring notes
+produced by striking a hollow wooden fish repeatedly?&rdquo; I cried; for let
+it be confessed that amid the portrayal of the scene my imagination had taken
+an allotted part.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;If you like to provide them, and don&rsquo;t set the bally show on
+fire,&rdquo; he replied. &ldquo;Anyhow, these two aren&rsquo;t supposed to
+notice anything even when the row gets louder. Then it drops and you are heard
+outside talking in whispers to the others&mdash;words of command and telling
+them to keep back half-a-mo, and so on. See?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Doubtless introducing a spoken charm and repeating the words of an
+incantation against omens, treachery, and other matters.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Next a flap of the tent down on the floor is raised, and you
+reconnoitre, looking your very worst and holding a knife between your teeth and
+another in each hand. Wave a hand to your followers to keep back&mdash;or come
+on: it makes no difference. Then you crawl in on your stomach, give a terrific
+howl, and stab me in the back. That rolls me under the curtain, and so lets me
+out. The missus ups with the wood-chopper and stands before the cradle, while
+you yell and dance round with the knives. That ought to be made &lsquo;the
+moment&rsquo; of the whole piece. The great thing is to make enough noise. If
+you can yell louder than the talking-machine outfit on the next pitch we ought
+to turn money away. While you are at it I start a fresh row
+outside&mdash;shouts, cheers, groans, words of command and a paper bag or two.
+Seeing that the game is up you make a rush at the old woman; she downs you with
+the chopper, turns the lamp up full, shakes out a Union Jack over the sleeping
+infant, and finally stands in her finest attitude with one hand pointing
+impressively upwards and the other contemptuously downwards just as Rule
+Britannia is played on the cornet outside and I appear at the door in a
+general&rsquo;s full uniform and let down the curtain.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+For acting in the manner designated&mdash;as touching the noises both inside
+and out, the set dance with upraised knives, the casting to earth of himself,
+and being myself in turn vanquished by the aged female, with an added compact
+that from time to time I should be led by a chain and shown to the people from
+a raised platform&mdash;we agreed upon a daily reward of two pieces of silver,
+an adequacy of food, and a certain ambiguously-referred-to share of the gain.
+It need not be denied that with so favourable an opportunity of introducing
+passages from the Classics a much less sum would have been accepted, but having
+obtained this without a struggle, the one now recounting the facts raised the
+opportune suggestion of an inscribed placard, in order to fulfil the portent
+foreshadowed by William Greyson.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Oh, we&rsquo;ll star you, never fear,&rdquo; assented the accommodating
+personage, and having by this time reached that spot upon the Heath where his
+Domestic Altar had been raised, we entered.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;All the most distinguished actors in this country take another
+name,&rdquo; he said reflectively, when he had drawn forth a parchment of
+praiseworthy dimensions and ink of three colours, &ldquo;and though I have
+nothing to say against Kong Ho Tsin Cheng Quank Paik T&rsquo;chun Li Yuen Nung
+for quiet unostentatious dignity, it doesn&rsquo;t have just the grip and
+shudder that we want. Now how does &lsquo;Fang&rsquo; strike you?&rdquo; and
+upon my courteous acquiescence that this indeed united within it those
+qualities which he required, he traced its characters in red ink upon a lavish
+scale.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;&lsquo;Fang Hung Sin&rsquo; about fits the idea of snap and
+bloodthirstiness, I should say,&rdquo; he continued, and using the brush and
+all the colours with an expert proficiency which would infallibly gain him an
+early recognition at any of our competitive examinations, he presently laid
+before me the following gracefully-composed notice, which was suspended from a
+conspicuous pole about the door of the tent on the following day.
+</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+FANG HUNG SIN<br/>
+The Captured Boxer Chieftain.<br/>
+<br/>
+Under a strong guard, and by arrangement with the British and<br/>
+Chinese authorities concerned,<br/>
+<br/>
+FANG HUNG SIN<br/>
+<br/>
+Will positively reënact the GORY SCENES of CARNAGE in which<br/>
+he took a LEADING and SANGUINARY PART during the LATE RISING.<br/>
+<br/>
+ALONE IN PEKIN<br/>
+Or, What a Woman can do.<br/>
+<br/>
+PANEL I. PEACE: The Missionary&rsquo;s Tent by Night&mdash;All&rsquo;s
+Well&mdash;<br/>
+The Dread Warning&mdash;&ldquo;I am by your side, Beloved.&rdquo;<br/>
+<br/>
+PANEL II. ALARM: The Signal&mdash;The Spy&mdash;The Mob Outside&mdash;<br/>
+Treachery&mdash;&ldquo;Save Yourself, my Darling&rdquo;&mdash;&ldquo;And
+Leave<br/>
+You? Never!&rdquo;<br/>
+<br/>
+PANEL III. REVENGE: The Attack&mdash;The Blow Falls&mdash;Who Can Save<br/>
+Her Now?&mdash;&ldquo;Back, Renegade Viper!&rdquo;&mdash;The English Guns<br/>
+&mdash;&ldquo;Rule Britannia!&rdquo;<br/>
+<br/>
+FANG HUNG SIN, The Desperado.<br/>
+There is only one FANG, and he must be seen.<br/>
+FANG! FANG!! FANG!!!
+</p>
+
+<p>
+I will not upon this occasion, esteemed one, delay myself with an account of
+this barbarian Festival of Lanterns; or, as their language would convey it,
+Feast of Cocoa-nuts, beyond admitting that with the possible exception of an
+important provincial capital during the triennial examinations I doubt whether
+our own unapproachable Empire could show a more impressively-extended
+gathering, either in the diverse and ornamental efflorescence of head garb, in
+the affectionate display openly lavished by persons of one sex towards those of
+the other, or even one more successful in our own pre-eminent art of producing
+the multitudinous harmony of conflicting sounds.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+At the appointed hour this person submitted himself to be heavily shackled, and
+being led out before the assembled crowd, endeavoured by a smiling benignity of
+manner and by reassuring signs of welcome, to produce a favourable impression
+upon their sympathies and to allure them within. This pacific face was
+undoubtedly successful, however offensively the ill-conditioned one who stood
+by was inspired to express himself behind his teeth, for the space of the tent
+was very quickly occupied and the actions of simulation were to begin.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Without doubt it might have been better if this person had first made himself
+more fully acquainted with the barbarian manner of acting. The fact that this
+imagined play, which even in one of our inferior theatres would have filled the
+time pleasantly for two or three months, was to be compressed into the narrow
+limits of seven minutes and a half, should reasonably have warned him that amid
+the ensuing rapidity of word and action, most of the leisurely courtesies and
+all the subtle range of concealed emotion which embellish our own wood pavement
+must be ignored. But it is well and suggestively written, &ldquo;The person who
+deliberates sufficiently before taking every step will spend his life standing
+upon one leg.&rdquo; In the past this one had not found himself to be grossly
+inadequate on any arising emergency, and he now drew aside the hanging drapery
+and prepared to carry out a preconcerted part with intrepid self-reliance.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+It has already been expressed, that the reason and incentive urging me to a
+ready agreement lay in the opportunities by which suitable passages from the
+high Classics could be discreetly woven into the fabric of the plot, and the
+occupation thereby permeated with an honourable literary flavour. In accordance
+with this resolve I blended together many imperishable sayings of the wisest
+philosophers to present the cries and turmoil of the approaching mob, but it
+was not until I protruded my head beneath the hanging canopy in the guise of
+one observing that an opportunity arose of a really well-sustained effort. In
+this position I recited Yung Ki&rsquo;s stimulating address to his troops when
+in sight of an overwhelming foe, and, in spite of the continually back-thrust
+foot of the undiscriminating one before me, I successfully accomplished the
+seventy-five lines of the poem without a stumble. Then entering fully, with
+many deprecatory bows and expressions of self-abasement at taking part in so
+seemingly detestable an action, I treacherously, yet with inoffensive tact,
+struck the one wearing an all-round collar delicately upon the back. Not
+recognising the movement, or being in some other way obtuse, the person in
+question instead of sinking to the ground turned hastily to me in the form of
+an inquiry, leaving me no other reasonable course than to display the knife
+openly to him, and to assure him that the fatal blow had already been
+inflicted. Undoubtedly his immoderate retorts were inept at such a moment, nor
+was his ensuing strategy of turning completely round three times, striking
+himself about the head and body, and uttering ceremonious curses before he fell
+devoid of life&mdash;as though the earlier remarks had been part of the
+ordained scheme&mdash;to any degree convincing, and the cries of disapproval
+from the onlookers proved that they also regarded this one as the victim of an
+unworthy rebuke.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Not if the benches were filled at half a guinea a head would I take on
+another performance like that,&rdquo; exclaimed the one with whom I was
+associated, when it was over. &ldquo;Besides the dead loss of lasting three
+quarters of an hour it&rsquo;s tempting providence when the seats are movable.
+I suppose it isn&rsquo;t your fault, Kong, you poor creature, but you
+haven&rsquo;t got no glare and glitter. There&rsquo;s only one thing for it:
+you must be the Rev. Mr. Walker and I&rsquo;ll take Fang.&rdquo; He then robed
+himself in my attire, guided me among the intricacies of the all-round collar
+and outer garments in exchange, hung a slender rope about his back, and after
+completing the artifice by a skilful device of massing coloured inks upon our
+faces, he commanded me to lead him out by a chain and observe intelligently how
+a captive Boxer chief should disport himself.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+No sooner had we reached the platform than the one whom I controlled leapt high
+into the air, dragged me to the edge of the erection, showed his teeth towards
+the assembly and waved his arms menacingly at them; then turning upon this
+person, he inflamed his face with passion, rattled his chain furiously, and
+uttered such vengeance-laden cries that, unable to subdue the emotion of fear,
+I abandoned all pretence, and dropping the chain, fled to the furthest recess
+of the tent, followed by the still threatening Fang.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+There is an expression among us, &ldquo;Cheng-hu was too considerate: he tried
+to drive nails with a cucumber.&rdquo; Cheng-hu would certainly have quickly
+found the necessity of a weapon of three-times hardened steel if he had lived
+among these barbarians, who are insensible to the higher forms of politeness,
+in addition to acting in a contrary and illogical manner on all occasions.
+Instead of being repelled and discouraged by Fang&rsquo;s outrageous behaviour,
+they clamoured to be admitted into the tent more vehemently than before, and so
+successfully established the venture that the one to whom I must now allude
+throughout as Fang signified to me his covetous intention of reducing the
+performance by a further two and a half minutes in order to reap an added
+profit and to garner all his rice before the Hoang Ho rose.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+As for myself, revered, it would be immature to hold the gauze screen of
+prevarication between your all-discerning mind and my own trepidation. From the
+moment when I first saw the expression of utterly depraved malignity and
+deep-seared hate which he had cunningly engraved upon his face by means of the
+coloured inks, I was far from being comfortably settled within myself. Even the
+society of the not inelegant being of the inner chamber, whom it was now my
+part to console with alluring words and movements, could not for some time
+retain my face from a back-way instinct at every sound; but when the detail was
+reached that she sank into my grasp bereft of all energy, and for the first
+time I was just succeeding in forgetting the unpropitious surroundings, the one
+Fang, who had entered with unseemly stealth, suddenly hurled his soul-freezing
+battle-cry upon my ear and leapt forward with uplifted knife. Perceiving the
+action from an angle of my eye even as he propelled himself through the air, I
+could not restrain an ignoble wail of despair, and not scrupling to forsake the
+maiden, I would have taken refuge beneath a couch had he not seized my outer
+robe and hurled me to the ground. From this point to the close of the
+entertainment the vigorous person in question did not cease from raising cries
+and challenges in an unfaltering and many-fathomed stream, while at the same
+time he continued to spring from one extremity of the stage to the other
+surrounded by every external attribute of an insatiable tiger-like rage. It is
+circumstantially related that the one near at hand, who has been referred to as
+possessing a voiced machine, became demented, and bearing the contrivance to a
+certain tent erected by the charitable, entreated them to remove the impediment
+from its speech so that it might be heard again and his livelihood restored.
+When the action of brandishing a profusion of knives before the lesser
+one&rsquo;s eyes was reached, so nerve-shattering was the impression which Fang
+created that the back of the tent had to be removed in order to let out those
+who no longer had possession of themselves, and to let in those&mdash;to a
+ten-fold degree&mdash;who strove for admission on the rumour spreading that
+something exceptionally repellent was progressing within.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+With what attenuated organs of repose this person would have reached the end of
+so strenuous an occupation had he been compelled to twelve enactments each hour
+throughout the gong-strokes of the day without any literary relief, it is not
+enticing to dwell upon. This evil was averted by a timely intervention, for
+upon proceeding to the outer air for the third time I at once perceived among
+the foremost throng the engaging full-face of William Beveledge Greyson. This
+really painstaking individual had learned, as he afterwards explained, that the
+chiefs of exchange (those who in the first case had opposed me resolutely,) had
+received a written omen, and now in contrition were expressing their
+willingness to hold out a full restitution. With this assurance he had set
+forth in an unremitting search, and guided by street-watchers, removers of
+superfluous earth, families propelling themselves forward upon one foot,
+astrologers, two-wheeled charioteers, and others who move early and secretly by
+night, he had traced my description to this same Heath. Here he had been
+attracted by the displayed placard (remembering my honourable boast), and
+approaching nearer, he had plainly recognised my voice within. But in spite of
+this the successful disentanglement was by no means yet accomplished.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Not expecting so involved a reversal of things, and being short-eyed by nature,
+William Greyson did not wait for a fuller assurance than to be satisfied that
+the one before him wore my robes and conformed in a general outline, before he
+addressed him.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Kong Ho,&rdquo; he said pleasantly, &ldquo;what the Chief Evil Spirit
+are you doing up there?&rdquo; adding persuasively, &ldquo;Come down,
+there&rsquo;s a good fellow. I have something important to tell you.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Thus appealed to, the one Fang hesitated in doubt, seeing on the one hand a
+certain loss of face if he declined the conversation, and on the other hand
+having no clear perception of what was required from him. Therefore he entered
+upon a course of evasion and somewhat incapably replied, &ldquo;Chow Chop Wei
+Hai Wei Lung Tung Togo Kuroki Jim Jam Beri Beri.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Don&rsquo;t act the horned sheep,&rdquo; said Beveledge, who was both
+resolute and one easily set into violent motion by an opposing stream.
+&ldquo;Come down, or I&rsquo;ll come up and fetch you.&rdquo; And not being
+satisfied with Fang&rsquo;s ill-advised attempt to express himself equivocally,
+those around took up the apt similitude of a self-opinionated animal, and began
+to suggest a comparison to other creatures no less degraded.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Rats yourselves!&rdquo; exclaimed the easily-inflamed person at my side,
+losing the inefficient cords of his prudence beneath the sting.
+&ldquo;Who&rsquo;s a rabbit? For two guinea-pigs I&rsquo;d mow all the grass
+between here and the Spaniards with your own left ears,&rdquo; and not
+permitting me sufficient preparation to withhold the chain more firmly, he
+abruptly cast himself down among them, amid a scene of the most untamed
+confusion.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Oh, affectionately-disposed brethren,&rdquo; I exclaimed, moving forward
+and raising my hand in refined disapproval, &ldquo;the sublime Confucius, in
+the twenty-third chapter of the book called &lsquo;The Great Learning,&rsquo;
+warns us against&mdash;&rdquo; but before I could formulate the allusion
+Beveledge Greyson, who at the sound of my conciliatory words had gazed first in
+astonishment and then in a self-convulsed position, drew himself up to my side,
+and taking a firm grasp upon the all-round collar, projected me without a pause
+through the tent, and only halting for a moment to point significantly back to
+the varied and animated scene behind, where, amid a very profuse display of
+contending passions, the erected stage was already being dragged to the ground,
+and a band of the official watch was in the act of converging from every side,
+he led me through more deserted paths to the scene of a final extrication.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+With a well-gratified sense of having held an unswerving course along the
+convoluted outline of Destiny&rsquo;s decree, to whatever tending.
+</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+KONG HO.
+</p>
+
+</div><!--end chapter-->
+
+<div class="chapter">
+
+<h2><a name="link2H_4_0016" id="link2H_4_0016"></a>
+LETTER XIV</h2>
+
+<p class="letter">
+Concerning a pressing invitation from an ever benevolently- disposed father to
+a prosaic but dutifully-inclined son. The recording of certain matters of no
+particular moment. Concerning that ultimate end which is symbolic of the
+inexorable wheels of a larger Destiny.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Venerated Sire,&mdash;It is not for the earthworm to say when and in what exact
+position the iron-shod boot shall descend, and this person, being an even
+inferior creature for the purpose of the comparison, bows an acquiescent neck
+to your very explicit command that he shall return to Yuen-ping without delay.
+He cannot put away from his mind a clinging suspicion that this arising is the
+result of some imperfection in his deplorable style of correspondence, whereby
+you have formed an impression quite opposed to that which it had been the
+intention to convey, and that, perchance, you even have a secret doubt whether
+upon some specified occasion he may not have conducted the enterprise to an
+ignoble, or at least not markedly successful, end. However, the saying runs,
+&ldquo;The stone-cutter always has the last word,&rdquo; and you equally, by
+intimating with your usual unanswerable and clear-sighted gift of logic that no
+further allowance of taels will be sent for this one&rsquo;s dispersal,
+diplomatically impose upon an ever-yearning son the most feverish anxiety once
+more to behold your large and open-handed face.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Standing thus poised, as it may be said, for a returning flight across the
+elements of separation, it is not inopportune for this person to let himself
+dwell gracefully upon those lighter points of recollection which have engraved
+themselves from time to time upon his mind without leading to any more
+substantial adventure worthy to record. Many of the things which seemed strange
+and incomprehensible when he first came among this powerful though admittedly
+barbarian people, are now revealed at a proper angle; others, to which he
+formerly imagined he had found the disclosing key, are, on the other hand,
+plunged into a distorting haze; while between these lie a multitude of details
+in every possible stage of disentanglement and doubt. As a final and
+painstaking pronouncement, this person has no hesitation in declaring that this
+country is not&mdash;as practically all our former travellers have
+declared&mdash;completely down-side-up as compared with our own manners and
+customs, but at the same time it is very materially sideways.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Thus, instead of white, black robes are the indication of mourning; but as, for
+the generality, the same colour is also used for occasions of commerce,
+ceremony, religion, and the ordinary affairs of life, the matter remains
+exactly as it was before. Yet with obtuse inconsistency the garments usually
+white&mdash;in which a change would be really noticeable&mdash;remain white
+throughout the most poignant grief. How much more markedly expressed would be
+the symbolism if during such a period they wore white outer robes and black
+body garments. Nevertheless it cannot be said that they are unmindful of the
+emblematic influence of colour, for, unlike the reasonable conviction that red
+is red and blue is blue, which has satisfied our great nation from the days of
+the legendary Shun, these pale-eyed foreigners have diverged into countless
+trifling imaginings, so that when the one who is now expressing his contempt
+for the development required a robe of a certain hue, he had to bend his mouth,
+before he could be exactly understood, to the degrading necessity of asking for
+&ldquo;Drowned-rat brown,&rdquo; &ldquo;Sunstroke magenta,&rdquo;
+&ldquo;Billingsgate purple,&rdquo; &ldquo;London milk azure,&rdquo;
+&ldquo;Settling-day green,&rdquo; or the like. In the other signs of mourning
+they do not come within measurable distance of our pure and uncomfortable
+standard. &ldquo;If you are really sincere in your regret for the one who has
+Passed Beyond, why do you not sit upon the floor for seven days and nights,
+take up all food with your fingers, and allow your nails to grow untrimmed for
+three years?&rdquo; was a question which I at first instinctively put to lesser
+ones in their affliction. In every case save one I received answers of evasive
+purport, and even the one stated reason, &ldquo;Because although I am a poor
+widder I ain&rsquo;t a pig,&rdquo; I deemed shallow.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+I have already dipped a revealing brush into the subject of names. Were the
+practice of applying names in a wrong and illogical sequence maintained
+throughout it might indeed raise a dignified smile, but it would not appear
+contemptible; but what can be urged when upon an occasion one name appears
+first, upon another occasion last? A dignity is conferred in old age, and it is
+placed before the family designation borne by an honoured father and a direct
+line of seventeen revered ancestors. Another title is bestowed, and eats up the
+former like a revengeful dragon. New distinctions follow, some at one end,
+others at another, until a very successful person may be suitably compared to
+the ringed oleander snake, which has the power of growing equally from either
+the head or the tail. To express the matter by a definite allusion, how much
+more graceful and orchideous, even in a condensed fashion, would appear the
+designation of this selected one, if instead of the usual form of the country
+it was habitually set forth in the following logical and thoroughly Chinese
+style:&mdash;Chamberlain Joseph, Master, Mr., Thrice Wearer of the Robes and
+Golden Collar, One of the Just Peacemakers, Esquire, Member of the House of
+Law-givers, Leader in the Council of Commerce, Presider over the Tables of
+Provincial Government, Uprightly Honourable Secretary of the Outlying Parts.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Among the notes which at various times I have inscribed in a book for future
+guidance I find it written on an early page, &ldquo;They do not hesitate to
+express their fathers&rsquo; names openly,&rdquo; but to this assertion there
+stands a warning sign which was added after the following incident. &ldquo;Is
+it true, Mr. Kong,&rdquo; asked a lesser one, who is spoken of as vastly rich
+but discontented with her previous lot, of this person upon an occasion,
+&ldquo;is it really true that your countrymen to not consider it right to speak
+of their fathers&rsquo; names, even in this enlightened age?&rdquo; To this I
+replied that the matter was as she had eloquently expressed it, and, encouraged
+by her amiable condescension, I asked after the memory of her paternal
+grandsire, whose name I had frequently heard whispered in connection with her
+own. To my inelegant confusion she regarded me for a period as though I had the
+virtue of having become transparent, and then passed on in a most overwhelming
+excess of disconcertingly-arranged silence.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;You&rsquo;ve done it now, Kong,&rdquo; said one who stood by (or, as we
+would express the same thought, &ldquo;You have succeeded in accomplishing the
+undesirable&rdquo;); &ldquo;don&rsquo;t you know that the old man was in the
+tripe and trotter line?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;To no degree,&rdquo; I replied truly. &ldquo;Yet,&rdquo; I continued,
+matching his idiom with another equally facile, &ldquo;wherein was this
+person&rsquo;s screw loose? Are they not openly referred to&mdash;those of the
+Line of Tripe and Trotter&mdash;by their descendants?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+&ldquo;Not in most cases,&rdquo; he said, with a concentration that indicated a
+lurking sting among his words. &ldquo;Generally speaking, they aren&rsquo;t
+mentioned or taken into any account whatever. While they are alive they are
+kept in the background and invited to treat themselves to the Tower when nice
+people are expected; when dead they are fastened up in the family back cupboard
+by a score of ten-inch nails and three-trick Yale locks, so to speak. And in
+the meantime all the splash is being made on their muddy oof. See?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+I nodded agreeably, though, had the opportunity been more favourable, I would
+have made the feint to learn somewhat more of this secret practice of burying
+in the enclosed space beneath the stairs. Thus is it set forth why, after the
+statement, &ldquo;They do not hesitate to express their fathers&rsquo; names
+openly,&rdquo; it is further written, &ldquo;Walk slowly! Engrave well upon
+your discreet remembrance the unmentionable Line of Tripe and Trotter.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Another point of comparison which the superficial have failed to record is to
+be found in the frequent encouragements to regard The Virtues which are to be
+seen, like our own Confucian extracts, freely inscribed on every wall and
+suitable place about the city. These for the most part counsel moderation in
+taking false oaths, in stepping heedlessly upon the unknown ground, in
+following paths which lead to doubtful ends, and other timely warnings.
+&ldquo;Beware a smoke-breathing demon,&rdquo; is frequently cast across
+one&rsquo;s path upon a barrier, and this person has never failed to accept the
+omen and to retrace his steps hastily without looking to the right or the left.
+Even our own national caution is not forgotten, although to conform to
+barbarian indolence it is written, &ldquo;Slowly, slowly; drive slowly.&rdquo;
+&ldquo;Keep to the Right&rdquo; (or, &ldquo;Abandon that which is evil,&rdquo;
+as the analogy holds,) is perhaps the most frequently displayed of all, and
+doubtless many charitable persons obtain an ever-accruing merit by hanging the
+sign bearing these words upon every available post. Others are of a stern and
+threatening nature, designed to make the most hardened ill-doer pause,
+as&mdash;in their own tongue&mdash;&ldquo;Rubbish may be shot here&rdquo;;
+which we should render, &ldquo;At any moment, and in such a place as this, a
+just doom and extinction may overtake the worthless.&rdquo; This inscription is
+never to be seen except in waste expanses, where it points its significance
+with a multiplied force. There is another definite threat which is lavishly set
+out, and so thoroughly that it may be encountered in the least frequented and
+almost inaccessible spots. This, as it may be translated, reads,
+&ldquo;Trespass not the forbidden. The profligate may flourish like the gourd
+for a season, but in the end assuredly they will be detected, and justice meted
+out with the relentless fury of the written law.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+In a converse position, the wide difference in the ceremonial forms of
+retaliatory invective has practically disarmed this usually eloquent person,
+and he long since abandoned every hope of expressing himself with any
+satisfaction in encounters of however acrimonious a trend. At first, with an
+urbane smile and gestures of dignified contempt, he impugned the authenticity
+of the Ancestral Tablets of those with whom he strove, in an unbroken stream of
+most bitter contumely. Finding them silent under this reproach, he next lightly
+traced their origin back through generations of afflicted lepers, deformed
+ape-beings, and Nameless Things, to a race of primitive ghouls, and then went
+on in relentless fluency to predict an early return in their descendants to the
+condition of a similar state. For some time he had a well-gratified assurance
+that those whom he assailed were so overwhelmed as to be incapable of retort,
+and in this belief he never failed to call upon passers-by to witness his
+triumph; but on the fourth occasion a young man whom I had thus publicly
+denounced for a sufficient though forgotten reason, after listening courteously
+to my venomous accusations, bestowed a two-cash piece upon me and passed on,
+remarking that it was hard, and those around, also, would have added from their
+stores had it been permitted. From this time onward I did not attempt to make
+myself disagreeable either in public or to those whom I esteemed privately. On
+the other hand, the barbarian manner of retort did not find me endowed by
+nature to parry it successfully. Quite lacking in measured periods, it aims, by
+an extreme rapidity of thrust and an insincerity of sequence, to entangle the
+one who is assailed in a complication of arising doubts and emotions.
+&ldquo;Who are you,&mdash;no one but yourself,&rdquo; exclaimed a hireling of
+hung-dog expression who claimed to have exchanged pledging gifts with a certain
+maiden who stood, as it were, between us, and falling into the snare, I
+protested warmly against the insult, and strove to disprove the inference
+before the paralogism lay revealed. Throughout the whole range of the Odes, the
+Histories, the Analects, and the Rites what recognised formula of rejoinder is
+there to the taunt, &ldquo;Oh, go and put your feet in mustard and
+cress&rdquo;; or how can one, however skilled in the highest Classics, parry
+the subtle inconsistencies of the reproach, &ldquo;You&rsquo;re a nice bit of
+orl right, aren&rsquo;t you? Not arf, I don&rsquo;t think.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Among the arts of this country that of painting upon canvas is held in repute,
+but to a person associated with the masterpieces of the Ma epoch these native
+attempts would be gravity-dispelling if they were not too reminiscent of the
+torture chamber. It is rarely, indeed, that even the most highly-esteemed
+picture-makers succeed in depicting every portion of a human body submitted to
+their brush, and not infrequently half of the face is left out. Once, when
+asked by a paint-applier who was entitled to append two signs of exceptional
+distinction behind his name, to express an opinion upon a finished work, I
+diffidently called his attention to the fact that he had forgotten to introduce
+a certain exalted one&rsquo;s left ear. &ldquo;Not at all, Mr. Kong,&rdquo; he
+replied, with an expression of ill-merited self-satisfaction, &ldquo;but it is
+hidden by the face.&rdquo; &ldquo;Yet it exists,&rdquo; I contended; &ldquo;why
+not, therefore, press it to the front at all hazard, rather than send so great
+a statesman down into the annals of posterity as deformed to that
+extent?&rdquo; &ldquo;It certainly exists,&rdquo; he admitted, &ldquo;and one
+takes that for granted; but in my picture it cannot be seen.&rdquo; I bowed
+complaisantly, content to let so damaging an admission point its own despair. A
+moment later I continued, &ldquo;In the great Circular Hall of the Palace of
+Envoys there is a picture of two camels, foot-tethered, as it fortunately
+chanced, to iron rings. Formerly there were a drove of eight&mdash;the others
+being free&mdash;so exquisitely outlined in all their parts that one night,
+when the door had been left incautiously open, they stepped down from the wall
+and escaped to the woods. How deplorable would have been the plight of these
+unfortunate beings, if upon passing into the state of a living existence they
+had found that as a result of the limited vision of their creator they only
+possessed twelve legs and three whole bodies among them.&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Perchance this tactfully-related story, so applicable to his own deficiencies,
+may sink into the imagination of the one for whom it was inoffensively
+unfolded. Yet doubt remains. Our own picture-judgers take up a position at the
+side of work when they with to examine its qualities, retiring to an
+ever-diminishing angle in order to bring out the more delicate effects, until a
+very expert and conscientious critic will not infrequently stand really behind
+the picture he is considering before he delivers a final pronouncement. Not
+until these native artists are able to regard their crude attempts from the
+other side of the canvas can they hope to become equally proficient. To this
+fatal shortcoming must be added that of insatiable ambition, which prompts the
+young to the portrayal of widely differing subjects. Into the picture-room of
+one who might thus be described this person was recently conducted, to pass an
+opinion upon a scene in which were depicted seven men of varying nationalities
+and appropriately garbed, one of the opposing sex carrying a lighted torch, an
+elephant reclining beneath a fruitful vine, and the President of a Republic.
+For a period this person resisted the efforts of those who would have
+questioned him, withdrawing their attention to the harmonious lights upon the
+river mist floating far below, but presently, being definitely called upon, he
+replied as follows: &ldquo;Mih Ying, who was perhaps the greatest of his time,
+spent his whole life in painting green and yellow beetles in the act of
+concealing themselves beneath dead maple leaves upon the approach of day. At
+the age of seventy-five he burst into tears, and upon being approached for a
+cause he exclaimed, &lsquo;Alas, if only this person had resisted the
+temptation to be diffuse, and had confined himself to green beetles alone, he
+might now, instead of contemplating a misspent career, have been really
+great.&rsquo; How much less,&rdquo; I continued, &ldquo;can a person of
+immature moustaches hope to depict two such conflicting objects as a recumbent
+elephant and the President of a Republic standing beneath a banner?&rdquo;
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Upon the temptation to deal critically with the religious instincts of the
+islanders this person draws an obliterating brush. As practically every
+traveller who has honoured our unattractive land with his effusive presence has
+subsequently left it in a printed record that our ceremonies are grotesque, our
+priesthood ignorant and depraved, our monasteries and sacred places spots of
+plague upon an otherwise flower-adorned landscape, and our beliefs and
+sacrifices only worthy to exist for the purpose of being made into jest-origins
+by more refined communities, the omission on this one&rsquo;s part may appear
+uncivil and perhaps even intentionally discourteous. To this, as a burner of
+joss-sticks and an irregular person, he can only reply by a deprecatory waving
+of both hands and a reassuring smile.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+With the two-sided memories of many other details hanging thickly around his
+brush, it would not be an achievement to continue to a practically
+inexhaustible amount. As of the set days when certain things are observed,
+among which fall the first of the fourth month (but that would disclose another
+involvement), another when flat cakes are partaken of without due caution,
+another when rounder cakes are even more incautiously consumed, and that most
+brightly-illuminated of all when it is permissible to embrace maidens openly,
+and if discreetly accomplished with no overhanging fear of ensuing forms of
+law, beneath the emblem of a suspended branch, in memory of the wisdom of
+certain venerable sages who were doubtless expert in the practice. As of the
+inconvenient custom when two persons are walking together that they should
+arrange themselves side by side, to the obvious discomfort of others, the
+sweeping away of all opportunities for agreeable politeness, and the utter
+disregard of the time-honoured example of the sagacious water-fowl. As of the
+inconsistency of refusing, even with contempt, to receive our most intimate
+form of regard and use this person&rsquo;s lip-cloth after a feast, yet the
+mulish eagerness in that same youth to drink from a cup previously used by a
+lesser one. As of the precision (which still remains a cloud of doubt,) with
+which creatures so intractable as the bull are successfully trained to roar
+aloud at certain gong-strokes of the day as an agreed signal. As of the streets
+in movement, the lights at evening, and the voices of those unseen. As of these
+and as of other matters, so multitudinous that they crowd about this
+person&rsquo;s mind like the assembling swallows, circling above the deserted
+millet fields before they turn their beaks to the sea, and dropping his brush
+(perchance with an acquiescent sigh), he, also, kow-tows submissively to a
+blind but appointed destiny, and prepares to seek a passage from an alien land
+of sojourning.
+</p>
+
+<p>
+With the impetuous craving of an affectionate son to behold a revered sire,
+intensified by the fact that he has reached the innermost lining of his sleeve;
+with affectionate greetings towards Ning, Hia-Fa, and T&rsquo;ian Yen, and an
+assurance that they have never been really absent from his thoughts.
+</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+KONG HO.
+</p>
+
+</div><!--end chapter-->
+
+<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE MIRROR OF KONG HO ***</div>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Mirror of Kong Ho, by Ernest Bramah
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Mirror of Kong Ho
+
+Author: Ernest Bramah
+
+Posting Date: July 26, 2008 [EBook #1077]
+Release Date: October 1997
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE MIRROR OF KONG HO ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by John Bickers
+
+
+
+
+
+THE MIRROR OF KONG HO
+
+By Ernest Bramah
+
+
+
+     A lively and amusing collection of letters on western living
+     written by Kong Ho, a Chinese gentleman. These addressed to
+     his homeland, refer to the Westerners in London as
+     barbarians and many of the aids to life in our society give
+     Kong Ho endless food for thought. These are things such as
+     the motor car and the piano; unknown in China at this time.
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION
+
+ESTIMABLE BARBARIAN,--Your opportune suggestion that I should permit the
+letters, wherein I have described with undeviating fidelity the customs
+and manner of behaving of your accomplished race, to be set forth in
+the form of printed leaves for all to behold, is doubtless
+gracefully-intentioned, and this person will raise no barrier of dissent
+against it.
+
+In this he is inspired by the benevolent hope that his immature
+compositions may to one extent become a model and a by-word to those who
+in turn visit his own land of Fragrant Purity; for with exacting care
+he has set down no detail that has not come under his direct observation
+(although it is not to be denied that here or there he may, perchance,
+have misunderstood an involved allusion or failed to grasp the inner
+significance of an act), so that Impartiality necessarily sways his
+brush, and Truth lurks within his inkpot.
+
+In an entirely contrary manner some, who of recent years have gratified
+us with their magnanimous presence, have returned to their own countries
+not only with the internal fittings of many of our palaces (which,
+being for the most part of a replaceable nature, need be only trivially
+referred to, the incident, indeed, being generally regarded as a most
+cordial and pressing variety of foreign politeness), but also--in
+the lack of highly-spiced actuality--with subtly-imagined and truly
+objectionable instances. These calumnies they have not hesitated to
+commit to the form of printed books, which, falling into the hands
+of the ignorant and undiscriminating, may even suggest to their
+ill-balanced minds a doubt whether we of the Celestial Empire really are
+the wisest, bravest, purest, and most enlightened people in existence.
+
+As a parting, it only remains to be said that, in order to maintain
+unimpaired the quaint-sounding brevity and archaic construction of your
+prepossessing language, I have engraved most of the remarks upon the
+receptive tablets of my mind as they were uttered. To one who can repeat
+the Five Classics without stumbling this is a contemptible achievement.
+Let it be an imposed obligation, therefore, that you retain these
+portions unchanged as a test and a proof to all who may read. Of my
+own deficient words, I can only in truest courtesy maintain that any
+alteration must of necessity make them less offensively commonplace than
+at present they are.
+
+The Sign and immutable Thumb-mark of, Kong Ho
+
+By a sure hand to the House of one Ernest Bramah.
+
+
+
+
+THE MIRROR OF KONG HO
+
+
+
+
+LETTER I
+
+
+ Concerning the journey. The unlawful demons invoked by
+ certain of the barbarians; their power and the manner of
+ their suppression. Suppression. The incredible obtuseness of
+ those who attend within tea-houses. The harmonious attitude
+ of a person of commerce.
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE (at whose virtuous and well-established feet an unworthy
+son now prostrates himself in spirit repeatedly),--
+
+Having at length reached the summit of my journey, that London of which
+the merchants from Canton spoke so many strange and incredible things, I
+now send you filial salutations three times increased, and in accordance
+with your explicit command I shall write all things to you with an
+unvarnished brush, well assured that your versatile object in committing
+me to so questionable an enterprise was, above all, to learn the
+truth of these matters in an undeviating and yet open-headed spirit of
+accuracy and toleration.
+
+Of the perils incurred while travelling in the awe-inspiring devices by
+which I was transferred from shore to shore and yet further inland,
+of the utter absence of all leisurely dignity on the part of
+those controlling their movements, and of the almost unnatural
+self-opinionatedness which led them to persist in starting at a stated
+and prearranged time, even when this person had courteously pointed
+out to them by irrefutable omens that neither the day nor the hour was
+suitable for the venture, I have already written. It is enough to assert
+that a similar want of prudence was maintained on every occasion, and,
+as a result, when actually within sight of the walls of this city, we
+were involved for upwards of an hour in a very evilly-arranged yellow
+darkness, which, had we but delayed for a day, as I strenuously advised
+those in authority after consulting the Sacred Flat and Round Sticks, we
+should certainly have avoided.
+
+Concerning the real nature of the devices by which the ships are
+propelled at sea and the carriages on land, I must still unroll a blank
+mind until I can secretly, and without undue hazard, examine them more
+closely. If, as you maintain, it is the work of captive demons hidden
+away among their most inside parts, it must be admitted that these
+usually intractable beings are admirably trained and controlled, and
+I am wide-headed enough to think that in this respect we
+might--not-withstanding our nine thousand years of civilised
+refinement--learn something of the methods of these barbarians. The
+secret, however, is jealously guarded, and they deny the existence of
+any supernatural forces; but their protests may be ignored, for there
+is undoubtedly a powerful demon used in a similar way by some of the
+boldest of them, although its employment is unlawful. A certain kind of
+chariot is used for the occupation of this demon, and those who wish
+to invoke it conceal their faces within masks of terrifying design, and
+cover their hands and bodies with specially prepared garments, without
+which it would be fatal to encounter these very powerful spirits.
+While yet among the habitations of men, and in crowded places, they are
+constrained to use less powerful demons, which are lawful, but when
+they reach the unfrequented paths they throw aside all restraint, and,
+calling to their aid the forbidden spirit (which they do by secret
+movements of the hands), they are carried forward by its agency at a
+speed unattainable by merely human means. By day the demon looks forth
+from three white eyes, which at night have a penetrating brilliance
+equal to the fiercest glances of the Sacred Dragon in anger. If any
+person incautiously stands in its way it utters a warning cry of
+intolerable rage, and should the presumptuous one neglect to escape to
+the roadside and there prostrate himself reverentially before it, it
+seizes him by the body part and contemptuously hurls him bruised and
+unrecognisable into the boundless space of the around. Frequently
+the demon causes the chariot to rise into the air, and it is credibly
+asserted by discriminating witnesses (although this person only sets
+down as incapable of denial that which he has actually beheld) that
+some have maintained an unceasing flight through the middle air for a
+distance of many li. Occasionally the captive demon escapes from the
+bondage of those who have invoked it, through some incautious gesture
+or heretical remark on their part, and then it never fails to use them
+grievously, casting them to the ground wounded, consuming the chariot
+with fire, and passing away in the midst of an exceedingly debased
+odour, by which it is always accompanied after the manner of our own
+earth spirits.
+
+This being, as this person has already set forth, an unlawful demon on
+account of its power when once called up, and the admitted uncertainty
+of its movements, those in authority maintain a stern and inexorable
+face towards the practice. To entrap the unwary certain persons (chosen
+on account of their massive outlines, and further protected from evil
+influences by their pure and consistent habits) keep an unceasing watch.
+When one of them, himself lying concealed, detects the approach of such
+a being, he closely observes the position of the sun, and signals to
+the other a message of warning. Then the second one, shielded by the
+sanctity of his life and rendered inviolable by the nature of his
+garments--his sandals alone being capable of overturning any demon from
+his path should it encounter them--boldly steps forth into the road and
+holds out before him certain sacred emblems. So powerful are these
+that at the sight the unlawful demon confesses itself vanquished, and
+although its whole body trembles with ill-contained rage, and the air
+around is poisoned by its discreditable exhalation, it is devoid of
+further resistance. Those in the chariot are thereupon commanded to
+dismiss it, and being bound in chains they are led into the presence of
+certain lesser mandarins who administer justice from a raised dais.
+
+"Behold!" exclaims the chief of the captors, when the prisoners have
+been placed in obsequious attitudes before the lesser mandarins, "thus
+the matter chanced: The honourable Wang, although disguised under the
+semblance of an applewoman, had discreetly concealed himself by the
+roadside, all but his head being underneath a stream of stagnant water,
+when, at the eighth hour of the morning, he beheld these repulsive
+outcasts approaching in their chariot, carried forward by the diabolical
+vigour of the unlawful demon. Although I had stationed myself several li
+distant from the accomplished Wang, the chariot reached me in less than
+a breathing space of time, those inside assuming their fiercest and most
+aggressive attitudes, and as they came repeatedly urging the demon to
+increased exertions. Their speed exceeded that of the swallow in
+his hymeneal flight, all shrubs and flowers by the wayside withered
+incapably at the demon's contaminating glance, running water ceased
+to flow, and the road itself was scorched at their passage, the earth
+emitting a dull bluish flame. These facts, and the times and the
+distances, this person has further inscribed in a book which thus
+disposes of all possible defence. Therefore, O lesser mandarins, let
+justice be accomplished heavily and without delay; for, as the proverb
+truly says, 'The fiercer the flame the more useless the struggles of the
+victim.'"
+
+At this point the prisoners frequently endeavour to make themselves
+heard, protesting that in the distance between the concealed Wang and
+the one who stands accusing them they had thrice stopped to repair their
+innermost details, had leisurely partaken of food and wine, and had
+also been overtaken, struck, and delayed by a funeral procession. But so
+great is the execration in which these persons are held, that although
+murderers by stealth, outlaws, snatchers from the body, and companies of
+men who by strategy make a smaller sum of money appear to be larger, can
+all freely testify their innocence, raisers of this unlawful demon
+must not do so, and they are beaten on the head with chains until they
+desist.
+
+Then the lesser mandarins, raising their voices in unison, exclaim,
+"The amiable Tsay-hi has reported the matter in a discreet and impartial
+spirit. Hear our pronouncement: These raisers of illegal spirits
+shall each contribute ten taels of gold, which shall be expended in
+joss-sticks, in purifying the road which they have scorched, and in
+alleviating the distress of the poor and virtuous of both sexes. The
+praiseworthy Tsay-hi, moreover, shall embroider upon his sleeve an
+honourable sign in remembrance of the event. Let drums now be beat, and
+our verdict loudly proclaimed throughout the province."
+
+These things, O my illustrious father (although on account of my
+contemptible deficiencies of style much may seem improbable to your
+all-knowing mind), these things I write with an unbending brush; for
+I set down only that which I have myself seen, or read in their own
+printed records. Doubtless it will occur to one of your preternatural
+intelligence that our own system of administering justice, whereby the
+person who can hire the greater number of witnesses is reasonably held
+to be in the right, although perhaps not absolutely infallible, is in
+every way more convenient; but, as it is well said, "To the blind, night
+is as acceptable as day."
+
+Henceforth you will have no hesitation in letting it be known throughout
+Yuen-ping that these foreign barbarians do possess secret demons, in
+spite of their denials. Doubtless I shall presently discover others no
+less powerful.
+
+With honourable distinction this person has at length grasped the
+essential details of the spoken language here--not sufficiently well,
+indeed, to make himself understood on most occasions, or even to
+understand others, but enough to perceive clearly when he fails to
+become intelligible or when they experience a like difficulty with him.
+Upon an earlier occasion, before he had made so much progress, being one
+day left to his own resources, and feeling an internal lack, he entered
+what appeared to be a tea-shop of reputable demeanour, and, seating
+himself at one of the little marble tables, he freely pronounced the
+carefully-learned word "rice" to the attending nymph. To put aside all
+details of preparation (into which, indeed, this person could not
+enter) he waved his hand gracefully, at the same time smiling with an
+expression of tolerant acquiescence, as of one who would say that what
+was good enough to be cooked and offered by so entrancing a maiden
+was good enough to be eaten by him. After remaining in unruffled
+tranquillity for the full portion of an hour, and observing that no
+other person around had to wait above half that period, this one began
+to perceive that the enterprise was not likely to terminate in a
+manner satisfactory to himself; so that, leaving this place with a few
+well-chosen phrases of intolerable regret in his own tongue, he entered
+another, and conducted himself in a like fashion.... Towards evening,
+with an unperturbed exterior, but materially afflicted elsewhere, this
+person seated himself within the eleventh tea-shop, and, pointing first
+towards his own constituents of digestion, then at the fire, and
+lastly in an upward direction, thereby signified to any not of stunted
+intellect that he had reached such a condition of mind and body that he
+was ready to consume whatever the ruling deities were willing to allot,
+whether boiled, baked, roast, or suspended from a skewer. In this
+resolve nothing would move him, until--after many maidens had approached
+with outstretched hands and gestures of despair--there presently entered
+a person wearing the helmet of a warrior and the manner of a high
+official, who spoke strongly, yet persuasively, of the virtues of
+immediate movement and a quiet and reposeful bearing.
+
+Assuredly a people who devote so little attention to the study of food,
+and all matters connected with it, must inevitably remain barbaric,
+however skilfully they may feign a superficial refinement. It is said,
+although I do not commit this matter to my own brush, that among them
+are more books composed on subjects which have no actual existence
+than on cooking, and, incredible as it may appear, to be exceptionally
+round-bodied confers no public honour upon the individual. Should a
+favourable occasion present itself, there are many who do not scruple to
+jest upon the subject of food, or, what is incalculably more depraved,
+upon the scarcity of it.
+
+Nevertheless, there are exceptions of a highly distinguished radiance.
+Among these must be accounted one into whose presence this person was
+recently led by our polished and harmonious friend Quang-Tsun, the
+merchant in tea and spices. This versatile person, whose business-name
+is spoken of as Jones Bob-Jones, is worthy of all benignant respect,
+and in a really enlightened country would doubtless be raised to a
+more exalted position than that of a breaker of outsides (an occupation
+difficult to express adequately in the written language of a country
+where it is unknown), for his face is like the sun setting in the time
+of harvest, his waist garment excessive, and the undoubted symmetry of
+his middle portions honourable in the extreme. So welcome in my eyes,
+after witnessing an unending stream of concave and attenuated barbarian
+ghosts, was the sight of these perfections of Jones Bob-Jones, that
+instead of the formal greeting of this Island--the unmeaning "How do
+you do it?"--I shook hands cordially with myself, and exclaimed
+affectionately in our own language, "Illimitable felicities! How is your
+stomach?"
+
+"Well," replied Jones Bob-Jones, after Quang-Tsun had interpreted this
+polite salutation to his understanding, "since you mention it, that's
+just the trouble; but I'm going on pretty well, thanks. I've tried most
+of the advertised things, and now my doctor has put me practically on a
+bread-and-water course--clear soup, boiled fish, plain joint, no sweets,
+a crumb of cheese, and a bare three glasses of Hermitage."
+
+During this amiable remark (of which, as it is somewhat of a technical
+nature, I was unable to grasp the contained significance until the
+agreeable Quang-Tsun had subsequently repeated it several times for my
+retention), I maintained a consistent expression of harmonious agreement
+and gratified esteem (suitable, I find, for all like occasions), and
+then, judging from the sympathetic animation of Jones Bob-Jones's
+countenance, that it had not improbably been connected with food,
+I discreetly introduced the subject of sea-snails, preserved in the
+essence of crushed peaches, by courteously inquiring whether he had ever
+partaken of such a delicacy.
+
+"No," replied the liberal-minded person, when--encouraged by the
+protruding eagerness of his eyes at the mention of the viand--I had
+further spoken of the refined flavour of the dish, and explained the
+manner of its preparation. "I can't say that I have, but it sounds
+uncommonly good--something like turtle, I should imagine. I'll see if
+they can get it for me at Pimm's."
+
+This filial tribute goes by a trusty hand, in the person of one Ki Nihy,
+who is shortly committing himself to the protection of his ancestors
+and the voracity of the unbounded Bitter Waters; and with brightness
+and gold it will doubtless reach you in the course of twelve or eighteen
+moons. The superstitious here, this person may describe, when they wish
+to send messages from one to another, inscribe upon the outer cover a
+written representation of the one whose habitation they require, and
+after affixing a small paper talisman, drop it into a hole in the
+nearest wall, in the hope that it may be ultimately conveyed to the
+appointed spot, either by the services of the charitably-disposed
+passer-by, or by the intervention of the beneficent deities.
+
+With a multiplicity of greetings and many abject expressions of a
+conscious inferiority, and attested by an unvarying thumb-mark.
+
+KONG HO. (Effete branch of a pure and magnanimous trunk.)
+
+
+To Kong Ah-Paik, reclining beneath the sign of the Lead Tortoise, in a
+northerly direction beyond the Lotus Beds outside the city of Yuen-ping.
+The Middle Flowery Kingdom.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER II
+
+
+ Concerning the ill-destined manner of existence of the hound
+ Hercules. The thoughtlessly-expressed desire of the
+ entrancing maiden and its effect upon a person of
+ susceptible refinement. The opportune (as it may yet be
+ described) visit of one Herbert. The behaviour of those
+ around. Reflections.
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE (whose large right hand is continuously floating in
+spirit over the image of this person's dutiful submission),--
+
+Doubtless to your all-consuming prescience, it will at once become plain
+that I have abandoned the place of residence from which I directed my
+former badly-written and offensively-constructed letter, the house of
+the sympathetic and resourceful Maidens Blank, where in return for an
+utterly inadequate sum of money, produced at stated intervals, this very
+much inferior person was allowed to partake of a delicately-balanced and
+somewhat unvarying fare in the company of the engaging of both sexes,
+and afterwards to associate on terms of honourable equality with them in
+the chief apartment. The reason and manner of this one's departure
+are in no degree formidable to his refined manner of conducting any
+enterprise, but arose partly from an insufficient grasp of the more
+elaborate outlines of a confessedly involved language, and still more
+from a too excessive impetuousness in carrying out what at the time he
+believed to be the ambition of one who had come to exercise a melodious
+influence over his most internal emotions. Well remarked the Sage, "A
+piece of gold may be tried between the teeth; a written promise to pay
+may be disposed of at a sacrifice to one more credulous; but what shall
+be said of the wind, the Hoang Ho, and the way of a woman?"
+
+To contrive a pitfall for this short-sighted person's immature feet,
+certain malicious spirits had so willed it that the chief and more
+autumnal of the Maidens Blank (who, nevertheless, wore an excessively
+flower-like name), had long lavished herself upon the possession of an
+obtuse and self-assertive hound, which was in the habit of gratifying
+this inconsiderable person and those who sat around by continually
+depositing upon their unworthy garments details of its outer surface,
+and when the weather was more than usually cold, by stretching its
+graceful and refined body before the fire in such a way as to ensure
+that no one should suffer from a too acute exposure to the heat. From
+these causes, and because it was by nature a hound which even on the
+darkest night could be detected at a more than reasonable distance away,
+while at all times it did not hesitate to shake itself freely into
+the various prepared viands, this person (and doubtless others also)
+regarded it with an emotion very unfavourable towards its prolonged
+existence; but observing from the first that those who permitted
+themselves to be deposited upon, and their hands and even their faces to
+be hound-tongue-defiled with the most externally cheerful spirit of
+word suppression, invariably received the most desirable of the allotted
+portions of food, he judged it prudent and conducive to a settled
+digestion to greet it with favourable terms and actions, and to refer
+frequently to its well-displayed proportions, and to the agile dexterity
+which it certainly maintained in breathing into the contents of every
+dish. Thus the matter may be regarded as being positioned for a space of
+time.
+
+One evening I returned at the appointed gong-stroke of dinner, and was
+beginning, according to my custom, to greet the hound with ingratiating
+politeness, when the one of chief authority held up a reproving hand, at
+the same time exclaiming:
+
+"No, Mr. Kong, you must not encourage Hercules with your amiable
+condescension, for just now he is in very bad odour with us all."
+
+"Undoubtedly," replied this person, somewhat puzzled, nevertheless, that
+the imperfection should thus be referred to openly by one who hitherto
+had not hesitated to caress the hound with most intimate details,
+"undoubtedly the surrounding has a highly concentrated acuteness
+to-night, but the ever-present characteristic of the hound Hercules is
+by no means new, for whenever he is in the room--"
+
+At this point it is necessary to explain that the ceremonial etiquette
+of these barbarian outcasts is both conflicting and involved. Upon
+most of the ordinary occasions of life to obtrude oneself within the
+conversation of another is a thing not to be done, yet repeatedly when
+this unpretentious person has been relating his experience or inquiring
+into the nature and meaning of certain matters which he has witnessed,
+he has become aware that his words have been obliterated, as it were,
+and his remarks diverted from their original intention by the sudden and
+unanticipated desire of those present to express themselves loudly on
+some topic of not really engrossing interest. Not infrequently on such
+occasions every one present has spoken at once with concentrated anxiety
+upon the condition of the weather, the atmosphere of the room, the hour
+of the day, or some like detail of contemptible inferiority. At other
+times maidens of unquestionable politeness have sounded instruments of
+brass or stringed woods with unceasing vigour, have cast down ornaments
+of china, or even stood upon each other's--or this person's--feet with
+assumed inelegance. When, therefore, in the midst of my agreeable remark
+on the asserted no fragrance of the hound Hercules, a gentleman of
+habitual refinement struck me somewhat heavily on the back of the head
+with a reclining seat which he was conveying across the room for the
+acceptance of a lady, and immediately overwhelmed me with apologies
+of almost unnecessary profusion, my mind at once leapt to an inspired
+conclusion, and smiling acquiescently I bowed several times to each
+person to convey to them an admission of the undoubted fact that to the
+wise a timely omen before the storm is as effective as a thunderbolt
+afterwards.
+
+It chanced that there was present the exceptionally prepossessing maiden
+to whom this person has already referred. So varied and ornate were her
+attractions that it would be incompetent in one of my less than average
+ability to attempt an adequate portrayal. She had a light-coloured name
+with the letters so harmoniously convoluted as to be quite beyond my
+inferior power of pronunciation, so that if I wished to refer to her
+in her absence I had to indicate the one I meant by likening her to
+a full-blown chrysanthemum, a piece of rare jade, an ivory pagoda of
+unapproachable antiquity, or some other object of admitted grace. Even
+this description may scarcely convey to you the real extent of her
+elegant personality; but in her presence my internal organs never failed
+to vibrate with a most entrancing uncertainty, and even now, at the
+recollection of her virtuous demeanour, I am by no means settled within
+myself.
+
+"Well," exclaimed this melodious vision, with sympathetic tact, "if
+every one is going to disown poor Hercules because he has eaten all our
+dinners, I shall be quite willing to have him, for he is a dzear ole
+loveykins, wasn't ums?" (This, O my immaculate and dignified sire, which
+I transcribe with faithful undeviation, appears to be the dialect of
+a remote province, spoken only by maidens--both young and of autumnal
+solitude--under occasional mental stress; as of a native of Shan-si
+relapsing without consciousness into his uncouth tongue after passing a
+lifetime in the Capital.) "Don't you think so too, Mr. Kong?"
+
+"When the sun shines the shadow falls, for truly it is said, 'To the
+faithful one even the voice of the corncrake at evening speaks of his
+absent love,'" replied this person, so engagingly disconcerted at
+being thus openly addressed by the maiden that he retained no delicate
+impression of what she said, or even of what he was replying, beyond
+an unassuming hope that the nature of his feelings might perchance be
+inoffensively revealed to her in the semblance of a discreet allegory.
+
+"Perhaps," interposed a person of neglected refinement, turning towards
+the maiden, "you would like to have a corncrake also, to remind you of
+Mr. Kong?"
+
+"I do not know what a corncrake is like," replied the maiden with
+commendable dignity. "I do not think so, however, for I once had a pair
+of canaries, and I found them very unsatisfying, insipid creatures. But
+I should love to have a little dog I am sure, only Miss Blank won't hear
+of it."
+
+"Kong Ho," thought this person inwardly, "not in vain have you burnt
+joss sticks unceasingly, for the enchanting one has said into your
+eyes that she would love to partake of a little dog. Assuredly we have
+recently consumed the cold portion of sheep on more occasions than a
+strict honourableness could require of those who pay a stated sum at
+regular intervals, and the change would be a welcome one. As she truly
+says, the flavour even of canaries is trivial and insignificant by
+comparison." During the period of dinner--which consisted of eggs and
+green herbs of the field--this person allowed the contemplation to grow
+within him, and inspired by a most pleasant and disinterested ambition
+to carry out the expressed wishes of the one who had spoken, he
+determined that the matter should be unobtrusively arranged despite the
+mercenary opposition of the Maidens Blank.
+
+This person had already learned by experience that dogs are rarely if
+ever exposed for sale in the stalls of the meat venders, the reason
+doubtless being that they are articles of excessive luxury and reserved
+by law for the rich and powerful. Those kept by private persons are
+generally closely guarded when they approach a desirable condition of
+body, and the hound Hercules would not prove an attractive dish to those
+who had known him in life. Nevertheless, it is well said, "The Great
+Wall is unsurmountable, but there are many gaps through," and that
+same evening I was able to carry the first part of my well-intentioned
+surprise into effect.
+
+The matter now involves one named Herbert, who having exchanged gifts
+of betrothal with a maiden staying at the house, was in the habit of
+presenting himself openly, when he was permitted to see her, after the
+manner of these barbarians. (Yet even of them the more discriminating
+acknowledge that our customs are immeasurably superior; for when I
+explained to the aged father of the Maidens Blank that among us the
+marriage rites are irrevocably performed before the bride is seen
+unveiled by man, he sighed heavily and exclaimed that the parents of
+this country had much to learn.)
+
+The genial-minded Herbert had already acquired for himself the
+reputation of being one who ceaselessly removes the gravity of others,
+both by word and action, and from the first he selected this obscure
+person for his charitable purpose to a most flattering extent. Not only
+did he--on the pretext that his memory was rebellious--invariably greet
+me as "Mr. Hong Kong," but on more than one occasion he insisted, with
+mirth-provoking reference to certain details of my unbecoming garments,
+that I must surely have become confused and sent a Mrs. Hong Kong
+instead of myself, and frequently he undermined the gravity of all most
+successfully by pulling me backwards suddenly by the pigtail, with the
+plea that he imagined he was picking up his riding-whip. This attractive
+person was always accompanied by a formidable dog--of convex limbs,
+shrunken lip, and suspicious demeanour--which he called Influenza, to
+the excessive amusement of those to whom he related its characteristics.
+For some inexplicable reason from the first it regarded my lower apparel
+as being unsuitable for the ordinary occasions of life, and in spite
+of the low hissing call by which its master endeavoured to attract
+its attention to himself, it devoted its energies unceasingly to the
+self-imposed task of removing them fragment by fragment. Nevertheless it
+was a dog of favourable size and condition, and it need not therefore be
+a matter for surprise that when the intellectual person Herbert took
+his departure on the day in question it had to be assumed that it had
+already preceded him. Having accomplished so much, this person found
+little difficulty in preparing it tastefully in his own apartment, and
+making the substitution on the following day.
+
+Although his mind was confessedly enlarged at the success of his
+venture, and his hopes most ornamentally coloured at the thought of the
+adorable one's gratified esteem when she discovered how expertly her
+wishes had been carried out, this person could not fail to notice that
+the Maiden Blank was also materially agitated when she distributed the
+contents of the dish before her.
+
+"Will you, of your enlightened courtesy, accept, and overlook the
+deficiencies of, a portion of rabbit-pie, O high-souled Mr. Kong?" she
+inquired gracefully when this insignificant person was reached, and,
+concealing my many-hued emotion beneath an impassive face, I bowed
+agreeably as I replied, "To the beggar, black bread is a royal course."
+
+"WHAT pie did you say, dear?" whispered another autumnal maiden, when
+all had partaken somewhat, and at her words a most consistently acute
+silence involved the table.
+
+"I--I don't quite know," replied the one of the upper end, becoming
+excessively devoid of complexion; and restraining her voice she
+forthwith sent down an attending slave to inquire closely.
+
+At this point a person of degraded ancestry endeavoured to remove the
+undoubted cloud of depression by feigning the nocturnal cry of the
+domestic cat; but in this he was not successful, and a maiden opposite,
+after fixedly regarding a bone on her plate, withdrew suddenly,
+embracing herself as she went. A moment later the slave returned,
+proclaiming aloud that the dish which had been prepared for the occasion
+had now been accidentally discovered by the round-bodied cook beneath
+the cushions of an arm-chair (a spot by no means satisfactory to this
+person's imagination had the opportunities at his disposal been more
+diffuse).
+
+"What, then, is this of which we have freely partaken?" cried they
+around, and, in the really impressive silence which followed, an
+inopportune person discovered a small silver tablet among the fragments
+upon his plate, and, taking it up, read aloud the single word,
+"Influenza."
+
+During the day, and even far into the uncounted gong-strokes of the
+time of darkness, this person had frequently remained in a fascinated
+contemplation of the moment when he should reveal himself and stand up
+to receive the benevolently-expressed congratulations of all who paid
+an agreed sum at fixed intervals, and, particularly, the dazzling though
+confessedly unsettling glance-thanks of the celestially-formed maiden
+who had explicitly stated that she was desirous of having a little
+dog. Now, however, when this part of the enterprise ought to have taken
+place, I found myself unable to evade the conclusion that some important
+detail of the entire scheme had failed to agree harmoniously with the
+rest, and, had it been possible, I would have retired with unobtrusive
+tact and permitted another to wear my honourable acquirements. But, for
+some reason, as I looked around I perceived that every eye was fixed
+upon me with what at another time would have been a most engaging
+unanimity, and, although I bowed with undeterred profusion, and
+endeavoured to walk out behind an expression of all-comprehensive
+urbanity that had never hitherto failed me, a person of unsympathetic
+outline placed himself before the door, and two others, standing one
+on each side of me, gave me to understand that a recital of the full
+happening was required before I left the room.
+
+It is hopeless to expect a display of refined intelligence at the hands
+of a people sunk in barbarism and unacquainted with the requirements of
+true dignity and the essentials of food preparation. On the manner
+of behaving of the male portion of those present this person has
+no inducement whatever to linger. Even the maiden for whom he had
+accomplished so much, after the nature of the misunderstanding had been
+made plain to her, uttered only a single word of approval, which, on
+subsequently consulting a book of interpretations, this person found to
+indicate: "A person of weak intellect; one without an adequate sense of
+the proportion and fitness of things; a buffoon; a jester; a compound of
+gooseberries scalded and crushed with cream"; but although each of these
+definitions may in a way be regarded as applicable, he is still unable
+to decide which was the precise one intended.
+
+With salutations of filial regard, and in a spirit seven times refined
+by affliction and purified by vain regrets.
+
+KONG HO. (Upon whose tablet posterity will perchance inscribe the
+titles, "Ill-destined but Misjudged.")
+
+
+
+
+LETTER III
+
+
+ Concerning the virtuous amusements of both old and young.
+ The sit-round games. The masterpiece of the divine Li Tang,
+ and its reception by all, including that same Herbert.
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE (whose breadth of mind is so well developed as to take
+for granted boundless filial professions, which, indeed, become vapid by
+a too frequent reiteration),--
+
+Your amiable inquiry as to how the barbarians pass their time, when not
+employed in affairs of commerce or in worshipping their ancestors, has
+inspired me to examine the matter more fully. At the same time your
+pleasantly-composed aphorism that the interior nature of persons does
+not vary with the colour of their eyes, and that if I searched I should
+find the old flying kites and the younger kicking feather balls or
+working embroidery, according to their sex, does not appear to be
+accurately sustained.
+
+The lesser ones, it is true, engage in a variety of sumptuous
+handicrafts, such as the scorching of wooden tablets with the semblance
+of a pattern, and gouging others with sharpened implements into a crude
+relief; depicting birds and flowers upon the surface of plates, rending
+leather into shreds, and entwining beaten iron, brass, and copper into a
+diversity of most ingenious complications; but when I asked a maiden of
+affectionate and domesticated appearance whether she had yet worked her
+age-stricken father's coffin-cloth, she said that the subject was one
+upon which she declined to jest, and rapidly involving herself in a
+profuse display of emotion, she withdrew, leaving this one aghast.
+
+To enable my mind to retranquillise, I approached a youth
+of highly-gilded appearance, and, with many predictions of
+self-inferiority, I suggested that we should engage in the stimulating
+rivalry of feather ball. When he learned, however, that the diversion
+consisted in propelling upwards a feather-trimmed chip by striking it
+against the side of the foot, he candidly replied that he was afraid
+he had grown out of shuttle-cock, but did not mind, if I was vigorously
+inclined, "taking me on for a set of yang-pong."
+
+Old men here, it is said, do not fly kites, and they affect to despise
+catching flies for amusement, although they frequently go fishing.
+Struck by this peculiarity, I put it in the form of an inquiry to one
+of venerable appearance, why, when at least five score flies were
+undeniably before his eyes, he preferred to recline for lengthy periods
+by the side of a stream endeavouring to snare creatures of whose
+existence he himself had never as yet received any adequate proof.
+Doubtless in my contemptible ignorance, however, I used some word
+inaccurately, for those who stood around suffered themselves to become
+amused, and the one in question replied with no pretence of amiable
+condescension that the jest had already been better expressed a hundred
+times, and that I would find the behind parts of a printed leaf
+called "Punch" in the bookcase. Not being desirous of carrying on
+a conversation of which I felt that I had misplaced the most highly
+rectified ingredient, I bowed repeatedly, and replied affably that
+wisdom ruled his left side and truth his right.
+
+It was upon this same occasion that a young man of unprejudiced
+wide-mindedness, taking me aside, asserted that the matter had not been
+properly set forth when I was inquiring about kites. Both old and young
+men, he continued, frequently endeavoured to fly kites, even in the
+involved heart of the city. He had tried once or twice himself, but
+never with encouraging success, chiefly, he was told, because his paper
+was not good enough. Many people, he added, would not scruple to mislead
+me with evasive ambiguity on this one subject owing to an ill-balanced
+conception of what constituted true dignity, but he was unwilling
+that his countrymen should be thought by mine to be sunk into a deeper
+barbarism than actually existed.
+
+His warning was not inopportune. Seated next to this person at a later
+period was a maiden from whose agreeably-poised lips had hitherto
+proceeded nothing but sincerity and fact. Watching her closely I asked
+her, as one who only had a languid interest either one way or the
+other, whether her revered father or her talented and richly-apparelled
+brothers ever spent their time flying kites about the city. In spite of
+a most efficient self-control her colour changed at my words, and her
+features trembled for a moment, but quickly reverting to herself she
+replied that she thought not; then--as though to subdue my suspicions
+more completely--that she was sure they did not, as the kites would
+certainly frighten the horses and the appointed watchmen of the street
+would not allow it. She confessed, however, with unassumed candour, that
+the immediate descendants of her sister were gracefully proficient in
+the art.
+
+From this, great and enlightened one, you will readily perceive
+how misleading an impression might be carried away by a person
+scrupulously-intentioned but not continually looking both ways, when
+placed among a people endowed with the uneasy suspicion of the barbarian
+and struggling to assert a doubtful refinement. Apart from this, there
+has to be taken into consideration their involved process of reasoning,
+and the unexpectedly different standards which they apply to every
+subject.
+
+At the house of the Maidens Blank, when the evening was not spent in
+listening to melodious voices and the harmony of stringed woods, it was
+usual to take part in sit-round games of various kinds. (And while it
+is on his brush this person would say with commendable pride that a
+well-trained musician among us can extort more sound from a hollow
+wooden pig, costing only a few cash, than the most skilful here ever
+attain on their largest instrument--a highly-lacquered coffin on legs,
+filled with bells and hidden springs, and frequently sold for a thousand
+taels.)
+
+Upon a certain evening, at the conclusion of one sit-round game which
+involved abrupt music, a barrier of chairs, and the exhilarating
+possibility of being sat upon by the young and vivacious in their zeal,
+a person of the company turned suddenly to the one who is communicating
+with you and said enticingly, "Why did Birdcage Walk?"
+
+Not judging from his expression that this was other than a polite
+inquiry on a matter which disturbed his repose, I was replying that the
+manifestation was undoubtedly the work of a vexatious demon which had
+taken up its abode in the article referred to, when another, by my side,
+cried aloud, "Because it envied Queen Anne's Gate"; and without a pause
+cast back the question, "Who carved The Poultry?"
+
+In spite of the apparent simplicity of the demand it was received by
+all in an attitude of complicated doubt, and this person was considering
+whether he might not acquire distinction by replying that such an office
+fell by custom to the lot of the more austere Maiden Blank, when the
+very inadequate reply, "Mark Lane with St. Mary's Axe," was received
+with applause and some observations in a half-tone regarding the
+identity of the fowl.
+
+By the laws of the sit-round games the one who had last spoken now
+proclaimed himself, demanding to know, "Why did Battersea Rise?" but the
+involvement was evidently superficial, for the maiden at whose memory
+this one's organs still vibrate ignobly at once replied, "Because it
+thought Clapham Common," in turn inquiring, "What made the Marble Arch?"
+
+Although I would have willingly sacrificed to an indefinite extent to be
+furnished with the preconcerted watchword, so that I might have enlarged
+myself in the eyes of this consecrated being's unapproachable esteem,
+I had already decided that the competition was too intangible for
+one whose thoughts lay in well-defined parallel lines, and it fell to
+another to reply, "To hear Salisbury Court."
+
+This, O my broad-minded ancestor of the first degree--an aimless
+challenge coupled with the name of one recognisable spot, replied to by
+the haphazard retort of another place, frequently in no way joined to
+it, was regarded as an exceptionally fascinating sit-round game by a
+company of elderly barbarians!
+
+"What couldn't Walbrook?" it might be, and "Such Cheapside," would be
+deemed a praiseworthy solution. "When did King's Bench Walk?" would
+be asked, and to reply, "When Gray's Inn Road," covered the one with
+overpowering acclamation. "Bevis Marks only an Inner Circle at The
+Butts; why?" was a demand of such elaborate complexity that (although
+this person was lured out of his self-imposed restraint by the silence
+of all round, and submerging his intelligence to an acquired level,
+unobtrusively suggested, "Because Aylesbury ducks, perchance") it fell
+to the one propounding to announce, "Because St. John's Wood Shoot-up
+Hill."
+
+Admittedly it is written, "When the shutter is fastened the girdle is
+loosened," but it is as truly said, "Not in the head, nor yet in the
+feet, but in the organs of digestion does wisdom reside," and even in
+jesting the middle course of neither an excessive pride nor an absolute
+weak-mindedness is to be observed. With what concrete pangs of acute
+mental distress would this person ever behold his immaculate progenitor
+taking part in a similar sit-round game with an assembly of worthy
+mandarins, the one asking questions of meaningless import, as "Why
+did they Hangkow?" and another replying in an equal strain of no
+consecutiveness, "In order to T'in Tung!"
+
+At length a person who is spoken of as having formerly been the captain
+of a band of warriors turned to me with an unsuspected absence of
+ferocity and said, "Your countrymen are very proficient in the art
+of epigram, are they not, Mr. Kong? Will you not, in turn, therefore,
+favour us with an example?" Whereupon several maidens exclaimed with
+engaging high temper, "Oh yes; do ask us some funny Chinese riddles, Mr.
+Kong!"
+
+"Assuredly there are among us many classical instances of the light
+sayings which require matching," I replied, gratified that I should have
+the opportunity of showing their superiority. "One, harmonious
+beyond the blend of challenge and retort, is as follows--'The Phoenix
+embroidered upon the side of the shoe: When the shoe advances the
+Phoenix leaps forward.'"
+
+"Oh!" cried several of the maidens, and from the nature of their glances
+it might reasonably be gathered that already they began to recognise the
+inferiority of their own sayings.
+
+"Is that the question, or the answer, or both?" asked a youth of
+unfledged maturity, and to hide their conscious humiliation several
+persons allowed their faces to melt away.
+
+"That which has been expressed," replied this person with an ungrudging
+toleration, "is the first or question portion of the contrast. The
+answer is that which will be supplied by your honourable condescension."
+
+"But," interposed one of the maidens, "it isn't really a question, you
+know, Mr. Kong."
+
+"In a way of regarding it, it may be said to be question, inasmuch as it
+requires an answer to establish the comparison. The most pleasing answer
+is that which shall be dissimilar in idea, and yet at the same time
+maintain the most perfect harmony of parallel thought," I replied. "Now
+permit your exceptional minds to wander in a forest of similitudes: 'The
+Phoenix embroidered upon the side of the shoe: When the shoe advances
+the Phoenix leaps forward.'"
+
+"Oh, if that's all you want," said the one Herbert, who by an ill
+destiny chanced to be present, "'The red-hot poker held before the Cat's
+nose: When the poker advances the Cat leaps backwards.'"
+
+"Oh, very good!" cried several of those around, "of course it naturally
+would. Is that right, Mr. Kong?"
+
+"If the high-souled company is satisfied, then it must be, for there is
+no conclusive right or wrong--only an unending search for that which
+is most gem-set and resourceful," replied this person, with an
+ever-deepening conviction of no enthusiasm towards the sit-round game.
+"But," he added, resolved to raise for a moment the canopy of a mind
+swan-like in its crystal many-sidedness, and then leave them to their
+own ineptitude, "for five centuries nothing has been judged equal to
+the solution offered by Li Tang. At the time he was presented with
+a three-sided banner of silk with the names of his eleven immediate
+ancestors embroidered upon it in seven colours, and his own name is
+still handed down in imperishable memory."
+
+"Oh, do tell us what it was," cried many. "It must have been clever."
+
+"'The Dragon painted upon the face of the fan: When the fan is shaken
+the Dragon flies upwards,'" replied this person.
+
+It cannot be denied that this was received with an attitude of
+respectful melancholy strikingly complimentary to the wisdom of the
+gifted Li Tang. But whether it may be that the time was too short to
+assimilate the more subtle delicacies of the saying, or whether the
+barbarian mind is inherently devoid of true balance, this person was
+panged most internally to hear one say to another as he went out, "Do
+you know, I really think that Herbert's was much the better answer of
+the two--more realistic, and what you might expect at the pantomime." *
+
+A like inability to grasp with a clear and uninvolved vision, permeates
+not only the triviality of a sit-round game but even the most important
+transactions of existence.
+
+Shortly after his arrival in the Island, this person was initiated
+by the widely-esteemed Quang-Tsun into the private life of one whose
+occupation was that of a Law-giver, where he frequently drank tea
+on terms of mutual cordiality. Upon such an occasion he was one day
+present, conversing with the lesser ones of the household--the head
+thereof being absent, setting forth the Law in the Temple--when one of
+the maidens cried out with amiable vivacity, "Why, Mr. Kong, you say
+such consistently graceful things of the ladies you have met over here,
+that we shall expect you to take back an English wife with you. But
+perhaps you are already married in China?"
+
+"The conclusion is undeviating in its accuracy," replied this person,
+unable to evade the allusion. "To Ning, Hia-Fa and T'ain Yen, as the
+matter stands."
+
+"Ning Hia-Fa An T'ain Yen!" exclaimed the wife of the Law-giver
+pleasantly. "What an important name. Can you pardon our curiosity and
+tell us what she is like?"
+
+"Ning, Hia-Fa AND T'ain Yen," repeated this person, not submitting to
+be deprived of the consequence of two wives without due protest. "Three
+names, three wives. Three very widely separated likes."
+
+At this in no way boastfully uttered statement the agreeably outlined
+surface of the faces around variated suddenly, the effect being one
+which I have frequently observed in the midst of my politest expressions
+of felicity. For a moment, indeed, I could not disguise from myself that
+the one who had made the inquiry stretched forth her lotus-like hand
+towards the secret spring by which it is customary to summon the
+attending slaves from the underneath parts, but restraining herself
+with the manner of one who would desire to make less of a thing that it
+otherwise might seem, she turned to me again.
+
+"How nice!" she murmured. "What a pity you did not bring them all with
+you, Mr. Kong. They would have been a great acquisition."
+
+"Yet it must be well weighed," I replied, not to be out-complimented
+touching one another, "that here they would have met so many fine and
+superior gentlemen that they might have become dissatisfied with my less
+than average prepossessions."
+
+"I wonder if they did not think of that in your case, and refuse to let
+you come," said one of the maidens.
+
+"The various persons must not be regarded as being on their all fours,"
+I replied, anxious that there should be no misunderstanding on this
+point. "They, of course, reside within one inner chamber, but there
+would be no duplicity in this one adding indefinitely to the number."
+
+"Of course not; how silly of me!" exclaimed the maiden. "What splendid
+musical evenings you can have. But tell me, Mr. Kong (ought it not to be
+Messrs. Kong, mamma?), if a girl married you here would she be legally
+married to you in China?"
+
+"Oh yes," replied this person positively.
+
+"But could you not, by your own laws, have the marriage set aside
+whenever you wished?"
+
+"Assuredly," I admitted. "It is so appointed."
+
+"Then how could she be legally married?" she persisted, with really
+unbecoming suspicion.
+
+"Legally married, legally unmarried," replied this person, quite
+distressed within himself at not being able to understand the difficulty
+besetting her. "All perfectly legal and honourably observed."
+
+"I think, Gwendoline--" said the one of authority, and although the
+matter was no further expressed, by an instinct which he was powerless
+to avert, this person at once found himself rising with ceremonious
+partings.
+
+Not desiring that the obstacle should remain so inadequately swept
+away, I have turned my presumptuous footsteps in the direction of the
+Law-giver's house on several later occasions, but each time the word of
+the slave guarding the door has been that they of the household,
+down even to those of the most insignificant degree of kinship, have
+withdrawn to a distant and secluded spot.
+
+With renewed assurances that the enterprise is being gracefully
+conducted, however ill-digested and misleading these immature
+compositions may appear.
+
+KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER IV
+
+
+ Concerning a desire to expatiate upon subjects of
+ philosophical importance and its no accomplishment. Three
+ examples of the mental concavity sunk into by these
+ barbarians. An involved episode which had the outward
+ appearance of being otherwise than what it was.
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE (whose genial liberality on all necessary occasions
+is well remembered by this person in his sacrifices, with the titles
+"Benevolent" and "Open-sleeved"),--
+
+I had it in my head at one time to tell you somewhat of the Classics
+most reverenced in this country, of the philosophical opinions which
+prevail, and to enlighten you generally upon certain other subjects of
+distinguished eminence. As the deities arranged, however, it chanced
+that upon my way to a reputable quarter of the city where the actuality
+of these matters can be learnt with the least evasion, my footsteps were
+drawn aside by an incident which now permeates my truth-laden brush to
+the exclusion of all else.
+
+But in the first place, if it be permitted for a thoroughly
+untrustworthy son to take so presumptuous a liberty with an unvaryingly
+sagacious father, let this one entreat you to regard everything he
+writes in a very wide-headed spirit of looking at the matter from all
+round. My former letters will have readily convinced you that much that
+takes place here, even among those who can afford long finger-nails,
+would not be tolerated in Yuen-ping, and in order to avoid the suspicion
+that I am suffering from a serious injury to the head, or have become
+a prey to a conflicting demon, it will be necessary to continue an
+even more highly-sustained tolerant alertness. This person himself has
+frequently suffered the ill effects of rashly assuming that because he
+is conducting the adventure in a prepossessing spirit his efforts will
+be honourably received, as when he courteously inquired the ages of a
+company of maidens into whose presence he was led, and complimented the
+one whom he was desirous of especially gratifying by assuring her that
+she had every appearance of being at least twice the nine-and-twenty
+years to which she modestly laid claim.
+
+Upon another occasion I entered a barber's stall, and finding it
+oppressively hot within, I commanded the attendant to carry a reclining
+stool into the street and there shave my lower limbs and anoint my head.
+As he hesitated to obey--doubtless on account of the trivial labour
+involved--I repeated my words in a tone of fuller authority, holding out
+the inducement of a just payment when he complied, and assuring him that
+he would certainly be dragged before the nearest mandarin and tortured
+if he held his joints stiffly. At this he evidently understood his
+danger, for obsequiously protesting that he was only a barber of very
+mean attainments, and that his deformed utensils were quite inadequate
+for the case, he very courteously directed me in inquire for a public
+chariot bound for a quarter called Colney Hatch (the place of commerce,
+it is reasonable to infer, of the higher class barbers), and, seating
+myself in it, instruct the attendant to put me down at the large gates,
+where they possessed every requisite appliance, and also would, if
+desirable, shave my head also. Here the incident assumes a more doubtful
+guise, for, notwithstanding the admitted politeness of the one who
+spoke, each of those to whom I subsequently addressed myself on the
+subject, presented to me a face quite devoid of encouragement. While
+none actually pointed out the vehicle I sought, many passed on in a
+state of inward contemplation without replying, and some--chiefly the
+attendants of other chariots of a similar kind--replied in what I deemed
+to be a spirit of elusive metaphor, as he who asserted that such a
+conveyance must be sought for at a point known intimately as the Aldgate
+Pump, whence it started daily at half-past the thirteenth gong-stroke;
+and another, who maintained that I had no prospect of reaching the
+desired spot until I secured the services of one of a class of female
+attendants who wear flowing blue robes in order to indicate that they
+are prepared to encounter and vanquish any emergency in life. To make no
+elaborate pretence in the matter this person may definitely admit that
+he never did reach the place in question, nor--in spite of a diligent
+search in which he has encountered much obloquy--has he yet found any
+barber sufficiently well equipped to undertake the detail.
+
+Even more recently I suffered the unmerited rebuke of the superficial
+through performing an act of deferential politeness. Learning that the
+enlightened and magnanimous sovereign of this country was setting out on
+a journey I stationed myself in the forefront of those who stood before
+his palace, intending to watch such parts of the procession as might be
+fitly witnessed by one of my condition. When these had passed, and the
+chariot of the greatest approached, I respectfully turned my back to
+the road with a propitiatory gesture, as of one who did not deem himself
+worthy even to look upon a being of such majestic rank and acknowledged
+excellence. This delicate action, by some incredible process of mental
+obliquity, was held by those around to be a deliberate insult, if not
+even a preconcerted signal, of open treachery, and had not a heaven-sent
+breeze at that moment carried the hat of a very dignified bystander into
+the upper branches of an opportune tree, and successfully turned aside
+the attention of the assembly into a most immoderate exhibition of utter
+loss of gravity, I should undoubtedly have been publicly tortured, if
+not actually torn to pieces.
+
+But the incident first alluded to was of an even more
+elaborately-contrived density than these, and some of the details are
+still unrolled before the keenest edge of this one's inner perception.
+Nevertheless, all is now set down in unbroken exactness for your
+impartial judgment.
+
+At the time of this exploit I had only ventured out on a few occasions,
+and then, save those recorded, to no considerable extent; for it had
+already become obvious that the enterprises in which I persistently
+became involved never contributed to my material prosperity, and the
+disappointment of finding that even when I could remember nine words
+of a sentence in their language none of the barbarians could understand
+even so much as a tenth of my own, further cast down my enthusiasm.
+
+On the day which has been the object of this person's narration from
+the first, he set out to become more fully instructed in the subjects
+already indicated, and proceeding in a direction of which he had no
+actual knowledge, he soon found himself in a populous and degraded
+quarter of the city. Presently, to his reasonable astonishment, he saw
+before him at a point where two ill-constructed thoroughfares met, a
+spacious and important building, many-storied in height, ornamented
+with a profusion of gold and crystal, marble and precious stones,
+and displaying from a tall pole the three-hued emblem of undeniable
+authority. A never-ending stream of people passed in and out by the
+numerous doors; the strains of expertly wielded instruments could be
+distinctly heard inside, and the warm odour of a most prepossessing
+spiced incense permeated the surroundings. "Assuredly," thought the
+person who is now recording the incident, "this is one of the Temples
+of barbarian worship"; and to set all further doubt at rest he saw in
+letters of gilt splendour a variety of praiseworthy and appropriate
+inscriptions, among which he read and understood, "Excellent," "Fine
+Old," "Well Matured," "Spirits only of the choicest quality within,"
+together with many other invocations from which he could not wrest the
+hidden significance, as "Old Vatted," "Barclay's Entire," "An Ordinary
+at One," and the like.
+
+By this time an impressive gathering had drawn around, and from its
+manner of behaving conveyed the suspicion that an entertainment or
+manifestation of some kind was confidently awaited. To disperse so
+outrageous a misconception this person was on the point of withdrawing
+himself when he chanced to see, over the principal door of the Temple,
+a solid gold figure of colossal magnitude, represented as crowned with
+leaves and tendrils, and holding in his outstretched hands a gigantic,
+and doubtless symbolic, bunch of grapes. "This," I said to myself, "is
+evidently the tutelary deity of the place, so displayed to receive the
+worship of the passer-by." With the discovery a thought of the most
+irreproachable benevolence possessed me. "Why should not this person," I
+reflected, "gain the unstinted approbation of those barbarians" (who by
+this time completely encircled me in) "by doing obeisance towards their
+deity, and by the same act delicately and inoffensively rebuke them for
+their own too-frequent intolerable attitude towards the susceptibilities
+of others? As an unprejudiced follower, in his own land, of the systems
+of Confucius, Lao-tse, and Buddha, this person already recognises the
+claims of seventeen thousand nine hundred and thirty-three deities of
+various grades, so that the addition of one more to that number can be
+a heresy of very trivial expiation." Inspired by these honourable
+sentiments, therefore, I at once prostrated myself on the ground, and,
+amid a silence of really illimitable expectation, I began to kow-tow
+repeatedly with ceremonious precision.
+
+At this display of charitable broadmindedness an approving shout went
+up on all sides. Thus encouraged I proceeded to kow-tow with even more
+unceasing assiduousness, and presently words of definite encouragement
+mingled with the shout. "Do not flag in your amiable disinterestedness,
+Kong Ho," I whispered in my ear, "and out of your well-sustained
+endurance may perchance arise a cordial understanding, and ultimately
+a remunerative alliance between two distinguished nations." Filled with
+this patriotic hope I did not suffer my neck to stiffen, and doubtless I
+would have continued the undertaking as long as the sympathetic persons
+who hemmed me in signified their refined approval, when suddenly the cry
+was raised, "Look out, here comes the coppers!"
+
+This, O my venerable-headed father, I at once guessed to be the
+announcement heralding the collecting-bowl which some over-zealous
+bystander was preparing to pass round on my behalf, doubtless under the
+impression--so obtuse in grasping the true relationship of events are
+many of the barbarians--that I was a wandering monk, displaying my
+reverence for the purpose of mendicancy. Not wishing to profit by this
+offensive misapprehension, I was preparing to rise, when a hand was
+unceremoniously laid upon my shoulder, and turning round I saw behind me
+one of the official watch--a class of men so powerful that at a gesture
+from their uplifted hands even the fiercest untamed horse will not
+infrequently stand upon its hind legs in mute submission.
+
+"Early morning salutations," I said pleasantly, though somewhat involved
+in speech by my exertion (for these persons are ever to be treated
+with discriminating courtesy). "Prosperity to your house, O energetic
+street-watcher, and a thousand grandsons to worship their illustrious
+ancestor."
+
+"Thanks," he replied concisely. "I'm a single man. As yet. Now then,
+will you make a way there? Can you stand?"
+
+"Stand?" repeated this person, at once recognising one of the important
+words of inner meaning concerning which he had been initiated by the
+versatile Quang-Tsun. "Certainly this person will not hesitate to
+establish his footing if the exaction is thought to be desirable.
+Let us, therefore, bend our steps in the direction of a tea-house of
+unquestionable propriety."
+
+"You've bent your steps into quite enough tea-houses, as you call them,
+for one day," replied the official with evasive meaning, at the same
+time assisting me to rise (for it need not be denied that the restrained
+position had made me for the moment incapable of a self-sustaining
+effort). "Look what you've done."
+
+At the direction of his glance I cast my eyes along the street, east and
+west, and for the first time I became aware that what I had last seen as
+a reasonable gathering had now taken the proportions of an innumerable
+multitude which filled the entire space of the thoroughfare, while
+others covered the roofs above and protruded themselves from every
+available window. In our own land the interspersal of umbrellas, musical
+instruments, and banners, with an occasional firework, would have given
+a greater animation to the scene; but with this exception I have never
+taken part in a more impressive and well-extended procession. Even
+while I looked, the helmets of other official watchers appeared in the
+distance, as immature junks upon the storm-tossed Whang-Hai, apparently
+striving fruitlessly to reach us.
+
+As I was by no means sure what attitude was expected of me, I smiled
+with an all-embracing approval, and signified to the one at my side, by
+way of passing the time pleasurably together, that the likelihood of his
+nimble-witted friends reaching us with unruffled garments was remote in
+the extreme.
+
+"Don't you let that worry you, Li Hung Chang," he said, in a tone that
+had the appearance of being outside itself around a deeper and more
+bitter significance; "if we get out again with any garments at all it
+won't be your fault. Why, you--well, YOU ought to have been put on the
+Black List long ago, by rights."
+
+This, exalted one, although I have not yet been able to learn the exact
+dignity of it from any of the books of civil honours, is undoubtedly
+a mark of signal attainment, conferred upon the few for distinguishing
+themselves by some particular capacity; as our Double Dragon, for
+instance. Anxious to learn something of the privileges of the rank from
+one who evidently was not without influence in the bestowal, and not
+unwilling to show him that I was by no means of low-caste descent, I
+said to the official, "In his own country one of this person's ancestors
+wore the Decoration of the Yellow Scabbard, which entitled him to be
+carried in his chair up to the gate of the Forbidden Palace before
+descending to touch the ground. Is this Order of the Black List of a
+like purport?"
+
+"You're right," he said, "it is. In this country it entitles you to be
+carried right inside the door at Bow Street without ever touching the
+ground. Look out! Now we shall not--"
+
+At that moment what this person at first assumed to be a floral tribute,
+until he saw that not only the entire plant, but the earthenware jar
+also were attached, struck the official upon the helmet, whereupon,
+drawing a concealed club, he ceased speaking.
+
+How the entertainment was conducted to such a development this person is
+totally inadequate to express; but in an incredibly short space of time
+the scene became one of most entrancing variety. From every visible
+point around the air became filled with commodities which--though
+doubtless without set intention--fittingly represented the arts,
+manufactures, and natural history of this resourceful country, all cast
+in prolific abundance at the feet of the official and myself, although
+the greater part inevitably struck our heads and bodies before reaching
+them. Beyond our immediate circle, as it may be expressed, the crowd
+never ceased to press forward with resistless activity, and among
+it could be seen occasionally the official watchmen advancing
+self-reliantly, though frequently without helmets, and, not less often,
+the helmets advancing without the official watchmen. To add to the
+acknowledged interest, every person present was proclaiming his views
+freely on a diversity of subjects, and above all could be heard the
+clear notes of the musical instruments by which the officials sought
+to encourage one another in their extremity, and to deaden the cries of
+those whom they outclubbed.
+
+Despite this person's repeated protests that the distinction was too
+excessive, he was plucked from hand to hand irresistibly among those
+around, losing a portion of his ill-made attire at each step, so
+agreeably anxious were all to detain him. Just when the exploit seemed
+likely to have a disagreeable ending, however, he was thrust heavily
+against a door which yielded, and at once barring it behind him, he
+passed across the open space into which it led, along a passage between
+two walls, and thence through an involved labyrinth and beneath the
+waters of a canal into a wood of attractive seclusion. Here this person
+remained, spending the time in a profitable meditation, until the light
+withdrew and the great sky lantern had ascended. Then he cautiously
+crept forth, and after some further trivial episodes which chiefly
+concern the obstinate-headed slave guarding the outer door of a
+tea-house, an unintelligent maiden in the employment of one vending
+silk-embroidered raiment, the mercenary controller of a two-wheeled
+chariot and the sympathetic and opportune arrival of a person seated
+upon a funeral car, he succeeded in reaching the place of his abode.
+
+With unalterable affection and a material request that an unstinted
+adequacy of new garments may be sent by a sure and speedy hand.
+
+KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER V
+
+
+ Concerning the neglect of ancestors and its discreditable
+ consequences. Two who state the matter definitely.
+ Concerning the otherside way of looking at things and the
+ self-contradictory bearing of the maiden Florence.
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE,--A discovery of overwhelming malignity oppresses me. In
+spite of much baffling ambiguity and the frequent evasion of conscious
+guilt, there can be no longer any reasonable doubt that these barbarians
+DO NOT WORSHIP THEIR ANCESTORS!
+
+Hitherto the matter had rested in my mind as an uneasy breath of
+suspicion, agitated from time to time by countless indications that
+such a possibility might, indeed, exist in a condensed form, but too
+inauspiciously profane to be contemplated in the altogether. Thus, when
+in the company of the young this person has walked about the streets
+of the city, he may at length have said, "Truly, out of your amiable
+condescension, you have shown me a variety of entrancing scenes. Let
+us now in turn visit the tombs of your ancestors, to the end that I may
+transmit fitting gifts to their spirits and discharge a few propitious
+fireworks as a greeting." Yet in no case has this well-intentioned
+offer been agilely received, one asserting that he did not know
+the resting-place of the tombs in question, a second that he had no
+ancestors, a third that Kensal Green was not an entrancing spot for
+a wet afternoon, a fourth that he would see them removed to a greater
+distance first, another that he drew the line at mafficking in a
+cemetery, and the like. These things, it may occur to your omniscience,
+might in themselves have been conclusive, yet the next reference to the
+matter would perhaps be tending to a more alluring hope.
+
+"To-morrow," a person has remarked in the hearing of this one, "I go
+to the Stratford which is upon the Avon, and without a pause I shall
+prostrate myself intellectually before the immortal Shakespeare's tomb
+and worship his unequalled memory."
+
+"The intention is benevolently conceived," I remarked. "Yet has he no
+descendants, this same Shakespeare, that the conciliation of his spirit
+must be left to chance?"
+
+When he assured me that this calamity had come about, I would have added
+a richly-gilded brick from my store for transmission also, in the hope
+that the neglected and capricious shadow would grant me an immunity from
+its resentful attention, but the one in question raised a barrier of
+dissent. If I wished to adorn a tomb, he added (evading the deeper
+significance of the act), there was that of Goldsmith within its Temple,
+upon which many impressionable maidens from across the Bitter Waters of
+the West make it a custom to deposit chaplets of verses, in the hope
+of seeing the offering chronicled in the papers; and in the Open Space
+called Trafalgar there were the images of a great captain who led many
+junks to victory and the Emperor of a former dynasty, where doubtless
+the matter could be arranged; but the surrounding had by this time
+become too involved, and this person had no alternative but to smile
+symmetrically and reply that his words were indeed opals falling from a
+topaz basin.
+
+Later in the day, being desirous of becoming instructed more definitely,
+I addressed myself to a venerable person who makes clean the passage of
+the way at a point not far distant.
+
+"If you have no sons to extend your industrious line," I said, when he
+had revealed this fact to me, "why do you not adopt one to that end?"
+
+With narrow-minded covetousness, he replied that nowadays he had enough
+to do to keep himself, and that it would be more reasonable to get some
+one to adopt HIM.
+
+"But," I exclaimed, ignoring this ill-timed levity, "who, when you
+have Passed Beyond, will worship you and transmit to your spirit the
+necessities of life?"
+
+"Governor," he replied, using the term of familiar dignity, "I've made
+shift without being worshipped for five and sixty years, and it worries
+me a sight more to know who will transmit to my body the necessities of
+life until I HAVE Passed Beyond."
+
+"The final consequences of your self-opinionated carelessness," this
+person continued, "will be that your neglected and unprovided shadow,
+finding itself no longer acceptable to the society of the better
+class demons, will wander forth, and allying itself in despair to the
+companionship of a band of outcasts like itself, will be driven to dwell
+in unclean habitations and to subsist on the uncertain bounty of the
+charitable."
+
+"Very likely," replied the irredeemable person before me. "I can't help
+its troubles. I have to do all that myself as it is."
+
+Doubtless this fanaticism contains the secret of the ease with which
+these barbarians have possessed themselves of the greater part of the
+earth, and have even planted their assertive emblems on one or two spots
+in our own Flowery Kingdom. What, O my esteemed parent, what can a brave
+but devout and demon-fearing nation do when opposed to a people who are
+quite prepared to die without first leaving an adequate posterity to
+tend their shrines and offer incense? Assuredly, as a neighbouring
+philosopher once had occasion to remark, using for his purpose a
+metaphor so technically-involved that I must leave the interpretation
+until we meet, "It may be war, but it isn't cricket."
+
+The inevitable outcome, naturally, is that the Island must be the
+wandering-place of myriads of spirits possessing no recognised standing,
+and driven by want--having none to transmit them offerings--to the most
+degraded subterfuges. It is freely admitted that there is scarcely an
+ancient building not the abode of one or more of these abandoned demons,
+doubtless well-disposed in the first instance, and capable of becoming
+really beneficent Forces until they were driven to despair by obstinate
+neglect. A society of very honourable persons (to which this one has
+unobtrusively contributed a gift), exists for the purpose of searching
+out the most distressing and meritorious cases among them, and removing
+them, where possible, to a more congenial spot. The remarkable fact,
+to this person's mind, is, that with the air and every available
+space around absolutely packed with demons (as certainly must be the
+prevailing state of things), the manifestations of their malignity and
+vice are, if anything, rather less evident here than in our own favoured
+country, where we do all in our power to satisfy their wants.
+
+That same evening I found myself seated next to a maiden of
+prepossessing vivacity, who was spoken of as being one of a kindred
+but not identical race. Filled with the incredible profanity of those
+around, and hoping to find among a nation so alluringly high-spirited
+a more congenial elevation of mind, I at length turned to her and said,
+"Do not regard the question as one of unworthy curiosity, for this
+person's inside is white and funereal with his fears; but do you, of
+your allied race, worship your ancestors?"
+
+The maiden spent a moment in conscientious thought. "No, Mr. Kong," she
+replied, with a most commendable sigh of unfeigned regret, "I can't say
+that we do. I guess it's because we're too new. Mine, now, only go back
+two generations, and they were mostly in lard. If they were old and
+baronial it might be different, but I can't imagine myself worshipping
+an ancestor in lard." (This doubtless refers to some barbaric method of
+embalming.)
+
+"And your wide and enlightened countrymen?" I asked, unable to restrain
+a passion of pure-bred despair. "Do they also so regard the obligation?"
+
+"I am afraid so," replied the maiden, with an honourable indication
+towards my emotion. "But of course when a girl marries into the European
+aristocracy, she and all her folk worship her husband's ancestors, until
+every one about is fairly dizzy with the subject."
+
+It is largely owing to the graceful and virtuous conversation of these
+lesser ones that this person's knowledge of the exact position which
+the ceremonial etiquette of the country demands on various occasions is
+becoming so proficiently enlarged. It is true that they of my own sex do
+not hesitate to inquire with penetrating assiduousness into certain of
+the manners and customs of our land, but these for the most part do
+not lead to a conversation in any way profitable to my discreeter
+understanding. Those of the inner chamber, on the other hand, while
+not scrupling to question me on the details of dress, the braiding and
+gumming of the hair, the style and variety of the stalls of merchants,
+the wearing of jade, gold, and crystal ornaments and flowers about
+the head, smoking, and other matters affecting our lesser ones, very
+magnanimously lead my contemplation back to a more custom-established
+topic if by any hap in my ambitious ignorance I outstep it.
+
+In such a manner it chanced on a former occasion that I sat side by side
+with a certain maiden awaiting the return of others who had withdrawn
+for a period. The season was that of white rains, and the fire being
+lavishly extended about the grate we had harmoniously arranged ourselves
+before it, while this person, at the repeated and explicit encouragement
+of the maiden, spoke openly of such details of the inner chamber as he
+has already indicated.
+
+"Is it true, Mr. Ho" (thus the maiden, being unacquainted with the
+actual facts, consistently addressed me), "that ladies' feet are
+relentlessly compressed until they finally assume the proportions and
+appearance of two bulbs?" and as she spoke she absent-mindedly regarded
+her own slippers, which were out-thrust somewhat to receive the action
+of the fire.
+
+"It is a matter which cannot reasonably be denied," I replied; "and
+it is doubtless owing to this effect that they are designated 'Golden
+Lilies.' Yet when this observance has been slowly and painfully
+accomplished, the extremities in question are not less small but
+infinitely less graceful than the select and naturally-formed pair which
+this person sees before him." And at the ingeniously-devised compliment
+(which, not to become large-headed in self-imagination, it must be
+admitted was revealed to me as available for practically all occasions
+by the really invaluable Quang-Tsun), I bowed unremittingly.
+
+"O, Mr. Ho!" exclaimed the maiden, and paused abruptly at the sound of
+her words, as though they were inept.
+
+"In many other ways a comparison equally irreproachable to the exalted
+being at my side might be sought out," I continued, suddenly forming
+the ill-destined judgment that I was no less competent than the more
+experienced Quang-Tsun to contrive delicate offerings of speech. "Their
+hair is rope like in its lack of spontaneous curve, their eyes as
+deficient in lustre as a half-shuttered window; their hands are
+exceedingly inferior in colour, and both on the left side, as it may be
+expressed; their legs--" but at this point the maiden drew herself so
+hastily into herself that I had no alternative but to conclude that
+unless I reverted in some way the enterprise was in peril of being
+inharmoniously conducted.
+
+"Mr. Ho," said the maiden, after contemplating her inward thoughts for
+a moment, "you are a foreigner, and you cannot be expected to know by
+instinct what may and what may not be openly expressed in this country.
+Therefore, although the obligation is not alluring, I think it kinder
+to tell you that the matters which formed the subject of your last words
+are never to be referred to."
+
+At this rebuke I again bowed persistently, for it did not appear
+reasonable to me that I could in any other way declare myself without
+violating the imposed command.
+
+"Not only are they never openly referred to," continued the maiden,
+who in spite of the declared no allurement of the subject did not seem
+disposed to abandon it at once, "but among the most select they are,
+by unspoken agreement, regarded as 'having no actual existence,' as you
+yourself would say."
+
+"Yet," protested this person, somewhat puzzled, "to one who has
+witnessed the highly-achieved attitudes of those within your Halls of
+Harmony, and in an unyielding search for knowledge has addressed himself
+even to the advertisement pages of the ladies' papers--"
+
+The maiden waved her hand magnanimously. "In your land, as you have told
+me, there are many things, not really existing, which for politeness you
+assume to be. In a like but converse manner this is to be so regarded."
+
+I thanked her voluminously. "The etiquette of this country is as
+involved as the spoken tongue," I said, "for both are composed chiefly
+of exceptions to a given rule. It was formerly impressed upon this
+person, as a guiding principle, that that which is unseen is not to be
+discussed; yet it is not held in disrepute to allude to so intimate and
+secluded an organ as the heart, for no further removed than yesterday he
+heard the deservedly popular sea-lieutenant in the act of declaring to
+you, upon his knees, that you were utterly devoid of such a possession."
+
+At this inoffensively-conveyed suggestion, the fire opposite had all the
+appearance of suddenly reflecting itself into the maiden's face with a
+most engaging concentration, while at the same time she stamped her foot
+in ill-concealed rage.
+
+"You've been listening at the door!" she cried impetuously, "and I shall
+never forgive you."
+
+"To no extent," I declared hastily (for although I had indeed been
+listening at the door, it appeared, after the weight which she set
+upon the incident, more honourable that I should deny it in order to
+conciliate her mind). "It so chanced that for the moment this person
+had forgotten whether the handle he was grasping was of the push-out or
+turn-in variety, and in the involvement a few words of no particular or
+enduring significance settled lightly upon his perception.
+
+"In that case," she replied in high-souled liberality, while her eyes
+scintillated towards me with a really all-overpowering radiance, "I will
+forgive you."
+
+"We have an old but very appropriate saying, 'To every man the voice of
+one maiden carries further than the rolling of thunder,'" I remarked
+in a significantly restrained tone; for, although conscious that the
+circumstance was becoming more menace-laden than I had any previous
+intention, I found myself to be incapable of extrication. "Florence--"
+
+"Oh," she exclaimed quickly, raising her polished hand with an
+undeniable gesture of reproof, "you must not call me by my christian
+name, Mr. Ho."
+
+"Yet," replied this person, with a confessedly stubborn inelegance, "you
+call me by the name of Ho."
+
+Her eyes became ox-like in an utter absence of almond outline. "Yes,"
+she said gazing, "but that--that is not your christian name, is it?"
+
+"In a position of speaking--this one being as a matter of fact a
+discreditable follower of the sublime Confucius--it may be so regarded,"
+I answered, "inasmuch as it is the milk-name of childhood."
+
+"But you always put it last," she urged.
+
+"Assuredly," I replied. "Being irrevocably born with the family name of
+Kong, it is thought more reasonable that that should stand first. After
+that, others are attached as the various contingencies demand it, as Ho
+upon participating in the month-age feast, the book-name of Tsin at a
+later period, Paik upon taking a degree, and so forth."
+
+"I am very sorry, Mr. Kong," said the maiden, adding, with what at
+the time certainly struck this person as shallow-witted prejudice. "Of
+course it is really quite your own fault for being so tospy-turvily
+arranged in every way. But, to return to the subject, why should not one
+speak of one's heart?"
+
+"Because," replied this person, colouring deeply, and scarcely able to
+control his unbearable offence that so irreproachably-moulded a creature
+should openly refer to the detail, "because it is a gross and unrefined
+particular, much more internal and much less pleasantly-outlined
+than those extremities whose spoken equivalent shall henceforth be an
+abandoned word from my lips."
+
+"But, in any case, it is not the actual organ that one infers,"
+protested the maiden. "As the seat of the affections, passions, virtues,
+and will, it is the conventional emblem of every thought and emotion."
+
+"By no means," I cried, forgetting in the face of so heterodox an
+assertion that it would be well to walk warily at every point. "That is
+the stomach."
+
+"Ah!" exclaimed the maiden, burying her face in a gracefully-perfumed
+remnant of lace, to so overwhelming a degree that for the moment I
+feared she might become involved in the dizzy falling. "Never, by any
+mischance, use that word again the society of the presentable, Mr.
+Kong."
+
+"The ceremonial usage of my own land of the Heavenly Dynasty is
+proverbially elaborate," I said, with a gesture of self-abasement, "but
+in comparison with yours it may be regarded as an undeviating walk when
+opposed to a stately and many-figured dance. Among the company of the
+really excessively select (in which must ever be included the one whom
+I am now addressing), it becomes difficult for an outcast of my
+illimitable obtuseness to move to one side or the other without putting
+his foot into that."
+
+"Oh no," exclaimed the maiden, in fragrant encouragement, "I think you
+are getting on very nicely, Mr. Kong, and one does not look for absolute
+conformance from a foreigner--especially one who is so extremely
+foreign. If I can help you with anything--of course I could not even
+speak as I have done to an ordinary stranger, but with one of a distant
+race it seems different--if I can tell you anything that will save
+you--"
+
+"You are all-exalted," I replied, with seemly humility, "and virtue and
+wisdom press out your temples on either side. Certainly, since I have
+learned that the heart is so poetically regarded, I have been assailed
+by a fear lest other organs which I have hitherto despised might be used
+in a similar way. Now, as regards liver--"
+
+"It is only used with bacon," replied the maiden, rising abruptly.
+
+"Kidneys?" suggested this person diffidently, really anxious to detain
+her footsteps, although from her expression it did not rest assured that
+the incident was taking an actually auspicious movement.
+
+"I don't think you need speak of those except at breakfast," she said;
+"but I hear the others returning, and I must really go to dress for
+dinner."
+
+Among the barbarians many keep books wherein to inscribe their deep and
+beautiful thoughts. This person had therefore provided himself with
+one also, and, drawing it forth, he now added to a page of many other
+interesting compositions: "Maidens of immaculate refinement do not
+hesitate to admit before a person of a different sex that they are on
+the point of changing their robes. The liver is in some intricate way
+an emblem representing bacon, or together with it the two stand for
+a widely differing analogy. Among those of the highest exclusiveness
+kidneys are never alluded to after the tenth gong-stroke of the
+morning."
+
+With a sincerely ingrained trust that the scenes of dignity, opulence,
+and wisdom, set forth in these superficial letters, are not unsettling
+your intellect and causing you to yearn for a fuller existence.
+
+KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER VI
+
+
+ Concerning this person's well-sustained efforts to discover
+ further demons. The behaviour of those invoked on two
+ occasions.
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE,--In an early letter I made some reference to a variety
+of demon invoked by certain of the barbarians. As this matter aroused
+your congenial interest, I have since privately bent my mind incessantly
+to the discovery of others; but this has been by no means easy, for,
+touching the more intimate details of the subject, the barbarians
+frequently maintain a narrow-minded suspicion. Many whom I have
+approached feign to become amused or have evaded a deliberate answer
+under the subterfuge of a jest; yet, whenever I would have lurked by
+night in their temples or among the enclosed spaces of their tombs to
+learn more, at a given signal one in authority has approached me with
+anxiety and mistrust engraved upon his features, and, disregarding my
+unassuming protest that I would remain alone in a contemplative reverie,
+has signified that so devout an exercise is contrary to their written
+law.
+
+On one occasion only did this person seem to hold himself poised on the
+very edge of a fuller enlightenment. This was when, in the venerable
+company of several benevolent persons, he was being taken from place to
+place to see the more important buildings, and to observe the societies
+of artificers labouring at their crafts. The greater part of the day had
+already been spent in visiting temples, open spaces reserved to children
+and those whose speech, appearance, and general manner of behaving
+make it desirable that they should be set apart from the contact of the
+impressionable, halls containing relics and emblems of the past,
+places of no particular size or attraction but described as being of
+unparalleled historic interest, and the stalls of the more reputable
+venders of merchandise.
+
+Doubtless, with observing so many details of a conflicting nature,
+this person's discriminating faculties had become obscured, but towards
+evening he certainly understood that we sought the company of an
+assembly of those who had been selected from all the Empire to pronounce
+definitely upon matters of supreme import. The building before which our
+chariot stopped had every appearance of being worthy of so exceptional a
+gathering, and with a most affluent joy that I should at last be able to
+glean a decisive pronouncement, I evaded those who had accompanied
+me, and, mingling self-reliantly with the throng inside, I quickly
+surrounded myself with many of the wisest-looking, and begged that they
+would open their heads freely and express their innermost opinions upon
+the subject of demons of all kinds.
+
+Although I had admittedly hoped that these persons would not conceal
+themselves behind the wings of epigram or intangible prevarication, I
+was far from being prepared for the candour with which they greeted me,
+and although by long usage I am reasonably unconcerned at the proximity
+of any of our own recognised genii, it is not to be denied that my
+organs of ferocity grew small and unstable at the revelations.
+
+From their words it appeared that the spot on which we stood had
+long been the recognised centre and meeting-place for every class of
+abandoned and objectionable spirit of the universe. Not only this, but
+several of the persons who had gathered around were confidently pointed
+out as the earthly embodiment of various diabolical Forces, while others
+cheerfully admitted that they themselves were the shadows of certain
+illustrious ones who had long Passed Above, and all united in declaring
+that those who moved among them wearing the distinction of a dark blue
+uniform were Evil Beings of a most ghoulish and repulsive type. Indeed,
+as I looked more closely, I could see that not only those pointed out,
+but all standing around, had expressions immeasurably more in
+keeping with a band of outcast spirits than suggestive of an assembly
+representing wisdom and dignified ease. At that moment, however, a most
+inelegant movement was caused by one suddenly declaring that he
+had recognised this one who is inscribing his experiences to be the
+apparition of a certain great reformer who during the period of his
+ordinary existence had received the name of Guy Fawkes, and amid a
+tumult of overwhelming acclamation a proposal was raised that I
+should be carried around in triumph and afterwards initiated into
+the observance of a time-honoured custom. Although it had now become
+doubtful to what end the adventure was really tending, this person
+would have submitted himself agreeably to the participation had not the
+blue-apparelled band cleft their way into the throng just as I was about
+to be borne off in triumph, and forming themselves into a ringed
+barrier around me they presently succeeded in rearranging the contending
+elements and in restoring me to the society of my friends. To these
+persons they complained with somewhat unreasoning acrimony that I
+had been exciting the inmates into a state of rebellion with wild
+imaginings, and for the first time I then began to understand that an
+important error had been perpetrated by some one, and that instead of
+being a meeting-place for those upholding the wisdom and authority
+of the country, the building was in reality an establishment for the
+mentally defective and those of treacherous instincts.
+
+For some time after this occurrence I failed to regard the subject of
+demons and allied Forces in any but a spirit of complete no enthusiasm,
+but more recently my interest and research have been enlarged by the
+zeal and supernatural conversation of a liberal-minded person who
+sought my prosaic society with indefatigable persistence. When we had
+progressed to such a length that the one might speak of affairs without
+the other at once interposing that he himself had also unfortunately
+come out quite destitute of money, this stranger, who revealed to me
+that his name was Glidder, but that in the company of a certain chosen
+few he was known intimately as the Keeper of the Salograma, approached
+me confidentially, and inquired whether we of our Central Kingdom were
+in the habit of receiving manifestations from the spirits of those who
+had Passed Beyond.
+
+At the unassumed ingenuousness of this remark I suffered my
+impassiveness to relax, as I replied with well-established pride that
+although a country which neglected its ancestors might doubtless be
+able to produce more of the ordinary or graveyard spectres, we were
+unapproachable for the diverse forms and malignant enmity of our
+apparitions. Of invisible beings alone, I continued tolerantly, we
+had the distinction of being harassed by upwards of seven hundred
+clearly-defined varieties, while the commoner inflictions of demons,
+shades, visions, warlocks, phantoms, sprites, imps, phenomena, ghosts,
+and reflections passed almost without comment; and touching our admitted
+national speciality of dragons, the honour of supremacy had never been
+questioned.
+
+At this, the agreeable person said that the pleasure he derived from
+meeting me was all-excelling, and that I must certainly accompany him to
+a meeting-place of this same chosen few the following evening, when,
+by the means of sacred expedients, they hoped to invoke the presence
+of some departed spirits, and perchance successfully raise a tangible
+vision or two. To so fair-minded a proposal I held myself acquiescently,
+and then inquired where the meeting-place in question was destined
+to be--whether in a ruined and abandoned sanctuary, or upon some
+precipitous spot of desolation.
+
+The inquiry was gracefully intended, but a passing cloud of unworthy
+annoyance revealed itself upon the upper part of the other's expression
+as he replied, "We, the true seekers, despise theatrical accessories,
+and, as a matter of act, I couldn't well get away from the office in
+time to go anywhere far. To-morrow we meet at my place in the Camden
+Road. It's only a three-half-penny tram stage from the Euston and
+Tottenham Court corner, so it couldn't be much more convenient for you."
+He thereupon gave me an inscribed fragment of paper and mentioned the
+appointed hour.
+
+"I'll tell you why I am particularly anxious for you to come to-morrow,"
+he said as we were each departing from one another. "Pash--he's the
+Reader of the Veda among us--and his people have got hold of a Greek
+woman (they SAY she is a princess, of course), who can do a lot of
+things with flowers and plate glass. They are bringing her for the first
+time to-morrow, and it struck me that if I have YOU there already when
+they arrive--you'll come in your national costume by the way?--it will
+be a considerable set-off. Since his daughter was presented to the
+duchess at the opening of a bazaar, there has been no holding Pash; why
+he was ever elected Reader of the Books, I don't know. Er--we have had
+scoffers sometimes, but I trust I may rely upon you not to laugh at
+anything you may not happen to agree with?"
+
+With conscientious dignity I replied that I had only really laughed
+seven times in my life, and therefore the entertainment was one which
+I was not likely to embark upon hastily or with inadequate cause. He
+immediately expressed a seemly regret that the detail had been spoken,
+and again assuring him that at the stated hour I would present myself
+at the house bearing the symbol engraved upon the card, we definitely
+parted.
+
+That, as a matter of fact, I did not so present myself at the exact
+hour, chiefly concerns the uncouth and arbitrary-minded charioteer who
+controlled the movements of the vehicle to which the one whom I was
+seeking had explicitly referred; for at an angle in the road he suffered
+the horses to draw us aside into a path which did not correspond to the
+engraved signs upon the card, nor by any word of persuasion could he be
+prevailed upon to return.
+
+Thus, without any possible reproach upon the manner in which I was
+conducting the enterprise, it came about that by the time I reached the
+spot indicated, all those persons who had been spoken of as constituting
+a chosen band were assembled, and with them the barbarian princess.
+Nevertheless, this person was irreproachably greeted, and the maiden
+indicated even spoke a few words to him in an outside tongue. Being
+necessarily unacquainted with the import of the remark I spread out my
+hands with a sign of harmonious sympathy and smiled agreeably, whereat
+she appeared to receive an added esteem from the faces of those around
+(excluding those directly of the House of Glidder), and was thereby
+encouraged to speak similarly at intervals, this person each time
+replying in a like fashion.
+
+"Is he then a Guide of the Way, also, princess?" said the one Pash, who
+had noted the occurrence; to which the maiden replied, "To a degree, yet
+lacking the Innermost Mysteries."
+
+Presently it was announced that all things were fittingly prepared in
+another chamber. Here, upon a table of polished wood, stood on the one
+side a round stone with certain markings, a group of inscribed books,
+and various other emblems; and on the other side a bowl of water, a
+sphere of crystal, pieces of unwritten parchment, and behind all, and at
+a distance away, a sheet of transparent glass, greater in height than
+an ordinary person and as wide. When all were seated--the one who had
+enticed me among them placing himself before the stone, the person
+Pash guarding the books, the barbarian princess being surrounded by her
+symbols and alone in a self-imposed solitude, and the others at various
+points--the lights were subdued and the appearances awaited.
+
+It would scarcely be respectful, O my enlightened father, to take up
+your well-spent leisure by a too prolific account of the matters which
+followed, they being in no way dissimilar from the manifestations
+by which the uninitiated little ones of Yuen-ping are wont to amuse
+themselves and pass the winter evenings. From time to time harmonious
+sounds could be plainly detected, flowers and branches of wood were
+scattered sparsely here and there, persons claimed that passing objects
+had touched their faces, and misshapen forms of smoke-like density
+(which some confidently recognised as the outlines of departed ones whom
+they had known), revealed themselves against the glass. When this had
+been accomplished, the lights were recalled, and the barbarian maiden,
+sinking into a condition of languor, announced and foretold events and
+happenings upon which she was consulted, sometimes replying by spoken
+words, at others suffering her hand to trace them lightly upon the
+parchment sheets. Thus, to an inquirer it was announced that one, Aunt
+Mary, in the Upper Air, was well and happy, though undeniably pained at
+the action of Cousin William in the matter of the freehold houses, and
+more than sceptical how his marriage would turn out. Another was advised
+that although the interest on Consols was admittedly lower than that
+anticipated by those controlling the destines of a new venture entitled,
+The Great Rosy Dawn Gold Mine Development Syndicate, and the name
+certainly less poetically inspiring, the advising spirits were of the
+opinion that the former enterprise would prove the more stable of the
+two, and, in any case, they recommended the person in question to begin
+by placing not more than half of her life's savings into the mine.
+The family of the House of Pash was assured that beneficent spirits
+surrounded them at every turn, and that their good deeds were not
+suffered to fall unfruitfully to the ground; while many bearing the name
+of Glidder, on the other hand, were reproved by one who had known them
+in infancy for the offences of jealousy, ostentation, vain thoughts,
+shallowness of character, and the like.
+
+At length, revered, as there seemed to be no reasonable indication of
+any barbarian phantom of weight or authority appearing--nothing,
+indeed, beyond what a person in our country, of no admitted skill, would
+accomplish in the penetrating light of day with two others holding his
+hands, and a third reposing upon his head, I formed the perhaps immature
+judgment that the one to whom I was indebted for the entertainment would
+be suffering a grievous frustration of his hopes and a diminution of his
+outward authority. Therefore, without sufficient consideration of the
+restricted surroundings, as it afterwards appeared, I threw myself
+into a retrospective vision, and floating unencumbered through space,
+I sought for Kwan Kiang-ti, the Demon of the Waters, upon whom I might
+fittingly call, as I was given into his keeping by the ceremony of
+spirit-adoption at an early age. Meeting an influence which I recognised
+to be an indication of his presence, in the vicinity of the Eighth
+Region, I obsequiously entreated that he would reveal himself without
+delay, and then, convinced of his sympathetic intervention, I suffered
+my spirit to recall itself, and revived into the condition of an
+ordinary existence.
+
+"We have among us this evening, my friends," the one Pash was saying,
+"a very remarkable lady--if I may use so democratic a term in the
+connection--to whom the limits of Time and Space are empty words, and
+before whose supreme Will the most portentous Forces of Occult Nature
+mutely confess themselves her attending slaves--" But at that moment
+the rolling drums of Kiang-ti's thunder drowned his words, although he
+subsequently raised his voice above it to entreat that any knives or
+other articles of a bright and attractive kind should at once be removed
+to a place of safety.
+
+Heralded by these continuous sounds, and accompanied by innumerable
+flashes of lightning, the genius presently manifested himself, leisurely
+developing out of the air around. He appeared in his favourite guise of
+an upright dragon, his scales being arranged in rows of nine each way,
+a pearl showing within his throat, and upon his head the wooden bar. The
+lights were extinguished incapably by the rain which fell continually in
+his presence, but from his body there proceeded a luminous breath which
+sufficiently revealed the various incidents.
+
+"Kong Ho," said this opportune vision, speaking with a voice like the
+beating of a brass gong, "the course you have adopted is an unusual one,
+but the weight and regularity of your offerings have merit in my eyes.
+Nevertheless, if your invocation is only the outcome of a shallow vanity
+or a profane love of display, nothing can save you from a painful death.
+Speak now, fully and without evasion, and fear nothing."
+
+"Amiable Being," said this person, kow-towing profoundly, "the matter
+was designed to the end only that your incomparable versatility might
+be fittingly displayed. These barbarians sought vainly to raise phantoms
+capable of any useful purpose, whereupon I, jealous of your superior
+omnipotence, judged it would be an unseemly neglect not to inform you of
+the opportunity."
+
+"It is well," said the demon affably. "All doubt in the matter shall
+now be set at rest. Could any more convincing act be found than that
+I should breath upon these barbarians and reduce them instantly to a
+scattering of thin white ashes?"
+
+"Assuredly it would be a conclusive testimony," I replied; "yet in
+that case consider how inadequate a witness could be borne to your
+enlightened condescension, when none would be left but one to whom the
+spoken language of this Island is more in the nature of a trap than a
+comfortable vehicle."
+
+"Your reasoning is profound, Kong Ho," he replied, "yet abundant
+proof shall not be wanting." With these words he raised his hand, and
+immediately the air became filled with an overwhelming shower of
+those productions with which Kwan Kiang-ti's name is chiefly
+associated--shells and pebbles of all kinds, lotus and other roots from
+the river banks, weeds from seas of greater depths, fish of interminable
+variety from both fresh and bitter waters, all falling in really
+embarrassing abundance, and mingled with an incessant rain of sand and
+water. In the midst of this the demon suddenly passed away, striking the
+table as he went, so that it was scarred with the brand of a five-clawed
+hand, shattering all the objects upon it (excepting the stone and
+the books, which he doubtless regarded as sacred to some extent), and
+leaving the room involved in a profound darkness.
+
+"For the love av the saints--for the love av the saints, save us from
+the yellow devils!" exclaimed a voice from the spot where last the
+barbarian princess had reclined, and upon this person going to her
+assistance with lights it was presently revealed that she alone had
+remained seated, the others having all assembled themselves beneath the
+table in spite of the incapability of the space at their disposal. Most
+of the weightier evidences of Kwan Kiang-ti's majestic presence had
+faded away, though the table retained the print of his impressive hand,
+many objects remained irretrievably torn apart, and in a distant corner
+of the room an insignificant heap of shells and seaweed still lingered.
+From the floor covering a sprinkling of the purest Fuh-chow sand rose
+at every step, the salt dew of the Tung-Hai still dropped from
+the surroundings, and, at a later period, a shore crab was found
+endeavouring to make its escape undetected.
+
+Convinced that the success of the manifestation would have enlarged
+the one Glidder's esteem towards me to an inexpressible degree, I now
+approached him with words of self-deprecation ready on my tongue, but
+before he spoke I became aware, from the nature of his glance, that
+the provision had been unnecessary, for already his face had begun to
+assume, to a most distended amount, the expression which I had long
+recognised as a synonym that some detail had been regarded at a
+different angle from that anticipated.
+
+"May I ask," he began in a somewhat heavily-laden voice, after he had
+assured himself that the person who was speaking was himself, and his
+external attributes unchanged, "May I ask, sir" (and at this title,
+which is untranslatable in its many-sided significance when technically
+employed, I recognised that all complimentary intercourse might be
+regarded as having closed), "whether you accept the responsibility of
+these proceedings?"
+
+"Touching the appearance which has so essentially contributed to the
+success of the occasion, it is undeniably due to this one's foresight,"
+I replied modestly.
+
+"Then let me tell you, sir, that I consider it an outrage--a dastardly
+outrage."
+
+"Yet," protested this person with retiring assertiveness, "the expressed
+object of the ceremony, as it stood before my intelligence, was for the
+set purpose of invoking spirits and raising certain visions."
+
+"Spirits!" exclaimed the one before me with an accent of concentrated
+aversion; "yes, spirits; impalpable, civilised, genuine spirits, who
+manifest themselves through recognised media, and are conformable to the
+usages of the best drawing-room society--yes. But not demons, sir; not
+Chinese devils in the Camden Road--no. Truth and Light at any cost, not
+paganism. It's perfectly scandalous. Look at the mahogany table--ruined;
+look at the wall-paper--conventional mackerels with a fishing-net
+background, new this spring--soused; look at the Brussels carpet,
+seventeen six by twenty-five--saturated!"
+
+"I quite agree with you, Mr. Glidder," here interposed the individual
+Pash. "I was watching you, sir, closely the whole time, and I have my
+suspicions about how it was done. I don't know whether Mr. Glidder
+has any legal redress, but I should certainly advise him to see his
+solicitors to-morrow, and in the meantime--"
+
+"He is my guest," exclaimed the one whose hospitality I was enjoying,
+"and while he is beneath my roof he is sacred."
+
+"But I do not think that it would be kind to detain him any longer in
+his wet things," said another of the household, with pointed malignity,
+and accepting this as an omen of departure, I withdrew myself, bowing
+repeatedly, but offering no closer cordiality.
+
+"Through a torn sleeve one drops a purse of gold," it is well said; and
+as if to prove to a deeper end that misfortune is ever double-handed,
+this incapable being, involved in thoughts of funereal density, bent
+his footsteps to an inaccurate turning, and after much wandering was
+compelled to pass the night upon a desolate heath--but that would be the
+matter of another narrative.
+
+With an insidious doubt whether, after all, the far-seeing Kwan
+Kiang-ti's first impulse would not have been the most satisfactory
+conclusion to the enterprise.
+
+KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER VII
+
+
+ Concerning warfare, both as waged by ourselves and by a
+ nation devoid of true civilisation. The aged man and the
+ meeting and the parting of our ways. The instance of the one
+ who expressed emotion by leaping.
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE,--You are omniscient, but I cannot regard the fear which
+you express in your beautifully-written letter, bearing the sign of the
+eleventh day of the seventh moon, as anything more than the imaginings
+prompted by a too-lavish supper of your favourite shark's fin and peanut
+oil. Unless the dexterously-elusive attributes of the genial-spoken
+persons high in office at Pekin have deteriorated contemptibly
+since this one's departure, it is quite impossible for our great
+and enlightened Empire to be drawn into a conflict with the northern
+barbarians whom you indicate, against our will. When the matter becomes
+urgent, doubtless a prince of the Imperial line will loyally suffer
+himself to Pass Above, and during the period of ceremonial mourning
+for so pure and exalted an official it would indeed be an unseemly
+desecration to engage in any public business. If this failed, and an
+ultimatum were pressed with truly savage contempt for all that is sacred
+and refined, it might be well next to consider the health even of the
+sublime Emperor himself (or, perhaps better, that of the select and
+ever-present Dowager Empress); but should the barbarians still advance,
+and, setting the usages of civilised warfare at defiance, threaten an
+engagement in the midst of this unparalleled calamity, there will be no
+alternative but to have a formidable rebellion in the Capital. All
+the barbarian powers will then assemble as usual, and in the general
+involvement none dare move alone, and everything will have to be
+regarded as being put back to where it was before. It is well said, "The
+broken vessel can never be made whole, but it may be delicately arranged
+so that another shall displace it."
+
+These barbarians, less resourceful in device, have only recently emerged
+from a conflict into which they do not hesitate to admit they were drawn
+despite their protests. Such incompetence is characteristic of their
+methods throughout. Not in any way disguising their purpose, they
+at once sent out an army of those whom could be the readiest seized,
+certainly furnishing them with weapons, charms to use in case of
+emergency, and three-coloured standards (their adversaries adopting
+a white banner to symbolise the conciliation of their attitude, and
+displaying both freely in every extremity), but utterly neglecting to
+teach them the arts of painting their bodies with awe-inspiring forms,
+of imitating the cries of wild animals as they attacked, of clashing
+their weapons together with menacing vigour, or any of the recognised
+artifices by which terror may be struck into the ranks of an awaiting
+foeman. The result was that which the prudent must have foreseen. The
+more accomplished enemy, without exposing themselves to any unnecessary
+inconvenience, gained many advantages by their intrepid power of
+dissimulation--arranging their garments and positions in such a way that
+they had the appearance of attacking when in reality they were effecting
+a prudent retreat; rapidly concealing themselves among the earth on the
+approach of an overwhelming force; becoming openly possessed with the
+prophetic vision of an assured final victory whenever it could be no
+longer concealed that matters were becoming very desperate indeed; and
+gaining an effective respite when all other ways of extrication were
+barred against them by the stratagem of feigning that they were other
+than those whom they had at first appeared to be.
+
+In the meantime the adventure was not progressing pleasantly for those
+chiefly concerned at home. With the earliest tidings of repulse it was
+discovered that in the haste of embarkation the wrong persons had been
+sent, all those who were really the fittest to command remaining behind,
+and many of these did not hesitate to write to the printed papers,
+resolutely admitting that they themselves were in every way better
+qualified to bring the expedition to a successful end, at the same time
+skilfully pointing out how the disasters which those in the field
+had incurred could easily have been avoided by acting in a precisely
+contrary manner.
+
+In the emergency the most far-seeing recommended a more unbending policy
+of extermination. Among these, one in particular, a statesman bearing
+an illustrious name of two-edged import, distinguished himself by the
+liberal broad-mindedness of his opinions, and for the time he even did
+not flinch from making himself excessively unpopular by the wide
+and sweeping variety of his censure. "We are confessedly a barbarian
+nation," fearlessly declared this unprejudiced person (who, although
+entitled by hereditary right to carry a banner on the field of battle,
+with patriotic self-effacement preferred to remain at home and encourage
+those who were fighting by pointing out their inadequacy to the task and
+the extreme unlikelihood of their ever accomplishing it), "and in order
+to achieve our purpose speedily it is necessary to resort to the methods
+of barbarism." The most effective measure, as he proceeded to explain
+with well-thought-out detail, would be to capture all those least
+capable of resistance, concentrate them into a given camp, and then
+at an agreed signal reduce the entire assembly to what he termed, in
+a passage of high-minded eloquence, "a smoking hecatomb of women and
+children."
+
+His advice was pointed with a crafty insight, for not only would such a
+course have brought the stubborn enemy to a realisation of the weakness
+of their position and thus paved the way to a dignified peace, but by
+the act itself few would have been left to hand down the tradition of
+a relentless antagonism. Yet with incredible obtuseness his advice was
+ignored and he himself was referred to at the time by those who regarded
+the matter from a different angle, with a scarcely-veiled dislike, which
+towards many of his followers took the form of building materials and
+other dissentient messages whenever they attempted to raise their voices
+publicly. As an inevitable result the conquest of the country took
+years, where it would have been moons had the more truly humane policy
+been adopted, commerce and the arts languished, and in the end so little
+spoil was taken that it was more common to meet six mendicants wearing
+the honourable embellishment of the campaign than to see one captured
+slave maiden offered for sale in the market places--indeed, even to this
+day the deficiency is clearly admitted and openly referred to as The
+Great "Domestic" Problem.
+
+At various times during my residence here I have been filled with a
+most acute gratification when the words of those around have seemed to
+indicate that they recognised the undoubted superiority of the laws and
+institutions of our enlightened country. Sometimes, it is true, upon a
+more detailed investigation of the incident, it has presently appeared
+that either I had misunderstood the exact nature of their sentiments
+or they had slow-wittedly failed to grasp the precise operation of the
+enactment I had described; but these exceptions are clearly the outcome
+of their superficial training, and do not affect the fact my feeble and
+frequently even eccentric arguments are at length certainly moving the
+more intelligent into an admission of what constitutes true justice
+and refinement. It is not to be denied that here and there exists a
+prejudice against our customs even in the minds of the studious; but as
+this is invariably the shadow of misconception, it has frequently been
+my sympathetic privilege to promote harmony by means of the inexorable
+logic of fact and reason. "But are not your officials uncompromisingly
+opposed to the freedom of the Press?" said one who conversed with me on
+the varying phases of the two countries, and knowing that in his eyes
+this would constitute an unendurable offence, I at once appeased his
+mind. "By no means," I replied; "if anything, the exact contrary is
+the case. As a matter of reality, of course, there is no Press now, the
+all-seeing Board of Censors having wisely determined that it was not
+stimulating to the public welfare; but if such an institution was
+permitted to exist you may rest genially assured that nothing could
+exceed the lenient toleration which all in office would extend towards
+it." A similar instance of malicious inaccuracy is widely spoken of
+regarding our lesser ones. "Is it really a fact, Mr. Kong," exclaimed a
+maiden of magnanimous condescension, to this person recently, "that
+we poor women are despised in your country, and that among the
+working-classes female children are even systematically abandoned as
+soon as they are born?" Suffering my features to express amusement at
+this unending calumny, I indicated my violent contempt towards the one
+who had first uttered it. "So far from despising them," I continued,
+with ingratiating gallantry, "we recognise that they are quite necessary
+for the purposes of preparing our food, carrying weighty burdens,
+and the like; and how grotesque an action would it be for poor but
+affectionate parents to abandon one who in a few years' time could be
+sold at a really remunerative profit, this, indeed, being the principal
+means of sustenance in many frugal families."
+
+On another occasion I had seated myself upon a wooden couch in one
+of the open spaces about the outskirts of the city, when an aged man
+chanced to pass by. Him I saluted with ceremonious politeness, on
+account of his years and the venerable dignity of his beard. Thereupon
+he approached near, and remarking affably that the afternoon was good
+(though, to use no subtle evasion, it was very evil), he congenially sat
+by my side and entered into familiar discourse.
+
+"They say that in your part of the world we old grandfathers are
+worshipped," he said, after recounting to my ears all the most intimate
+details of his existence from his youth upwards; "now, might that be
+right?"
+
+"Truly," I replied. "It is the unchanging foundation of our system of
+morality."
+
+"Ay, ay," he admitted pleasantly. "We are a long way behind them
+foreigners in everything. At the rate we're going there won't be any
+trade nor work nor religion left in this country in another twenty
+years. I often wish I had gone abroad when I was younger. And if I
+had chanced upon your parts I should be worshipped, eh?" and at the
+agreeable thought the aged man laughed in his throat with simple humour.
+
+"Assuredly," I replied; "--after you were dead."
+
+"Eh?" exclaimed the venerable person, checking the fountain of his mirth
+abruptly at the word. "Dead! not before? Doesn't--doesn't that seem a
+bit of a waste?"
+
+"Such has been the observance from the time of unrecorded antiquity," I
+replied. "'Obey parents, respect the old, loyally uphold the sovereign,
+and worship ancestors.'"
+
+"Well, well," remarked the one beside me, "obedience and respect--that's
+something nowadays. And you make them do it?"
+
+"Our laws are unflinching in their application," I said. "No crime is
+held to be more detestable than disrespect of those to whom we owe our
+existence."
+
+"Quite right," he agreed, "it's a pleasure to hear it. It must be a
+great country, yours; a country with a future, I should say. Now, about
+that youngest lad of my son Henry's--the one that drops pet lizards down
+my neck, and threatened to put rat poison into his mother's tea when she
+wouldn't take him to the Military Turneyment; what would they do to him
+by your laws?"
+
+"If the assertion were well sustained by competent witnesses," I
+replied, "it would probably be judged so execrable an offence, that
+a new punishment would have to be contrived. Failing that, he would
+certainly be wrapped round from head to foot in red-hot chains, and thus
+exposed to public derision."
+
+"Ah, red-hot chains!" said the aged person, as though the words formed a
+pleasurable taste upon his palate. "The young beggar! Well, he'd deserve
+it."
+
+"Furthermore," I continued, gratified at having found one who so
+intelligently appreciated the deficiencies of his own country and the
+unblemished perfection of ours, "his parents and immediate descendants,
+if any should exist, would be submitted to a fate as inevitable but
+slightly less contemptuous--slow compression, perchance; his parents
+once removed (thus enclosing your venerable personality), and remoter
+offsprings would be merely put to the sword without further ignominy,
+and those of less kinship to about the fourth degree would doubtless
+escape with branding and a reprimand."
+
+"Lordelpus!" exclaimed the patriarchal one, hastily leaping to the
+extreme limit of the wooden couch, and grasping his staff into a
+significant attitude of defence; "what's that for?"
+
+"Our system of justice is all-embracing," I explained. "It is reasonably
+held that in such a case either that there is an inherent strain of
+criminality which must be eradicated at all hazard, or else that those
+who are responsible for the virtuous instruction of the young have been
+grossly neglectful of their duty. Whichever is the true cause, by this
+unfailing method we reach the desired end, for, as our proverb aptly
+says, 'Do the wise pluck the weed and leave the roots to spread?'"
+
+"It's butchery, nothing short of Smithfield," said the ancient person
+definitely, rising and moving to a more remote distance as he spoke the
+words, yet never for a moment relaxing the aggressive angle at which
+he thrust out his staff before him. "You're a bloodthirsty race in my
+opinion, and when they get this door open in China that there's so much
+talk about, out you go through it, my lad, or old England will know
+why." With this narrow-minded imprecation on his lips he left me, not
+even permitting me to continue expounding what would be the most likely
+sentences meted out to the witnesses in the case, the dwellers of the
+same street, and the members of the household with whom the youth in
+question had contemplated forming an alliance.
+
+Among the many contradictions which really almost seem purposely
+arranged to entrap the unwary in this strangely under-side-up country,
+is the fact that while the ennobled and those of high official rank are
+courteous in their attitude and urbane--frequently even to the extent
+of refusing money from those whom they have obliged, no matter how
+privately pressed upon them--the low-caste and slavish are not only
+deficient in obsequiousness, but are permitted to retort openly to those
+who address them with fitting dignity. Here such a state of things
+is too general to excite remark, but as instances are well called the
+flowers of the tree of assertion, this person will set forth the manner
+in which he was contumaciously opposed by an oblique-eyed outcast who
+attended within the stall of one selling wrought gold, jewels, and
+merchandise of the finer sort.
+
+Being desirous of procuring a gift wherewith to propitiate a certain
+maiden's esteem, and seeing above a shop of varied attraction a
+suspended sign emblematic of three times repeated gild abundance I drew
+near, not doubting to find beneath so auspicious a token the fulfilment
+of an honourable accommodation. Inside the window was displayed one
+of the implements by which the various details of a garment are joined
+together upon turning a wheel, hung about with an inscription setting
+forth that it was esteemed at the price of two units of gold, nineteen
+pieces of silver, and eleven and three-quarters of the brass cash of the
+land, and judging that no more suitable object could be procured for the
+purpose, I entered the shop, and desired the attending slave to submit
+it to my closer scrutiny.
+
+"Behold," I exclaimed, when I had made a feint of setting the device
+into motion (for it need not be concealed from you, O discreet one, that
+I was really inadequate to the attempt, and, indeed, narrowly escaped
+impaling myself upon its sudden and unexpected protrusions), "the
+highly-burnished surface of your dexterously arranged window gave to
+this engine a rich attractiveness which is altogether lacking at a
+closer examination. Nevertheless, this person will not recede from a
+perhaps too impulsive offer of one unit of gold, three pieces of silver,
+and four and a half brass cash," my object, of course, being that after
+the mutual recrimination of disparagement and over-praise we should in
+the length of an hour or two reach a becoming compromise in the middle
+distance.
+
+"Well," responded the menial one, regarding me with an expression in
+which he did not even attempt to subdue the baser emotions, "you HAVE
+come a long way for nothing"; and he made a pretence of wishing to
+replace the object.
+
+"Yet," I continued, "observe with calm impartiality how insidiously the
+rust has assailed the outer polish of the lacquer; perceive here upon
+the beneath part of wood the ineffaceable depression of a deeply-pointed
+blow; note well the--"
+
+"It was good enough for you to want me to muck up out of the window,
+wasn't it?" demanded the obstinate barbarian, becoming passionate in his
+bearing rather than reluctantly, but with courteous grace, lessening the
+price to a trifling degree, as we regard the proper way of carrying on
+the enterprise.
+
+"It is well said," I admitted, hoping that he might yet learn wisdom
+from my attitude of unruffled urbanity, though I feared that his angle
+of negotiating was unconquerably opposed to mine, "but now its many
+imperfections are revealed. The inelegance of its outline, the grossness
+of the applied colours, the unlucky combination of numbers engraved upon
+this plate, the--"
+
+"Damme!" cried the utterly perverse rebel standing opposite, "why don't
+you keep on your Compound, you Yellow Peril? Who asked you to come into
+my shop to blackguard the things? Come now, who did?"
+
+"Assuredly it is your place of commerce," I replied cheerfully,
+preparing to bring forward an argument, which in our country never fails
+to shake the most stubborn, "yet bend your eyes to the fact that at no
+great distance away there stands another and a more alluring stall of
+merchandise where--"
+
+"Go to it then!" screamed the abandoned outcast, leaping over his
+counter and shouting aloud in a frenzy of uncontrollable rage. "Clear
+out, or I'll bend my feet--" but concluding at this point that some
+private calumny from which he was doubtless suffering was disturbing
+his mind to so great an extent that there was little likelihood of
+our bringing the transaction to a profitable end, I left the shop
+immediately but with befitting dignity.
+
+With a fell-founded assurance that you will now be acquiring a really
+precise and bird's-eye-like insight into practically all phases of this
+country.
+
+KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER VIII
+
+
+ Concerning the wisdom of the sublime Wei Chung and its
+ application to the ordinary problems of existence. The
+ meeting of three, hitherto unknown to each other, about a
+ wayside inn, and their various manners of conducting the
+ enterprise.
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE,--You will doubtless remember the behaviour of the aged
+philosopher Wei Chung, when commanded by the broad-minded emperor of his
+time to reveal the hidden sources of his illimitable knowledge, so
+that all might freely acquire, and the race thereby become raised to a
+position of unparalleled excellence. Taking the well-disposed sovereign
+familiarly by the arm, Wei Chung led him to the mouth of his cave in the
+forest, and, standing by his side, bade him reflect with open eyes for
+a short space of time, and then express aloud what he had seen. "Nothing
+of grave import," declared the emperor when the period was accomplished;
+"only the trees shaken by the breeze." "It is enough," replied Wei
+Chung. "What, to the adroitly-balanced mind, does such a sight
+reveal?" "That it is certainly a windy day," exclaimed the omnipotent
+triumphantly, for although admittedly divine, he yet lacked the
+philosopher's discrimination. "On the contrary," replied the sage
+coldly, "that is the natural pronouncement of the rankly superficial. To
+the highly-trained intellect it conveys the more subtle truth that the
+wind affects the trees, and not the trees affect the wind. For upwards
+of seventy years this one has daily stood at the door of his cave for
+a brief period, and regularly garnering a single detail of like
+brilliance, has made it the well-spring for a day's reflection. As the
+result he now has by heart upwards of twenty-five thousand useful facts,
+all serviceable for original proverbs, and an encyclopaedic mind
+which would enable him to take a high place in a popular competition
+unassisted by a single work of reference." Much impressed by the
+adventure the charitably-inclined emperor presented Wei Chung with an
+onyx crown (which the philosopher at once threw into an adjacent well),
+and returning to his capital published a decree that each day at
+sunrise every person should stand at the door of his dwelling, and after
+observing for a period, compare among themselves the details of their
+thoughts. By this means he hoped to achieve his imperial purpose, but
+although the literal part of the enactment is scrupulously maintained,
+especially by the slothful and defamatory, who may be seen standing
+at their doors and conversing together even to this day, from some
+unforeseen imperfection the intellectual capacity of the race has
+remained exactly as it was before.
+
+Nevertheless it is not to be questioned that the system of the versatile
+Wei Chung was, in itself, grounded upon a far-seeing accuracy, and
+as the need of such a rational observation is deepened among the
+inconsistencies and fantastic customs of a barbarian race, I have made
+it a useful habit to accept as a guide for the day's behaviour the
+reflections engendered by the first noteworthy incident of the morning.
+
+Upon the day with which this letter concerns itself I had set forth, in
+accordance with an ever-present desire, to explore some of the hidden
+places of the city. At the time a tempest of great ferocity was raging,
+and bending my head before it I had the distinction of coming into
+contact with a person of ill-endowed exterior at an angle where two
+reads met. This amiable wayfarer exchanged civilities with me after the
+politeness characteristic of the labouring classes towards those who
+differ from them in speech, dress, or colour: that is to say, he filled
+his pipe from my proffered store, and after lighting it threw the match
+into my face, and passed on with an appropriate remark.
+
+Doubtless this insignificant occurrence would have faded without
+internal comment if the penetrating Wei Chung had never existed, but
+now, guided by his sublime precedent, I arranged the incident for the
+day's conduct under three reflective heads.
+
+It was while I was meditating on the second of these that an exclamation
+caused me to turn, when I observed a prosperously-outlined person in
+the act of picking up a scrip which had the appearance of being lavishly
+distended with pieces of gold.
+
+"If I had not seen you pass it, I should have opined that this hyer
+wallet belonged to you," remarked the justice-loving stranger (for
+the incident had irresistibly retarded my own footsteps), speaking
+the language of this land, but with an accent of penetrating harmony
+hitherto unknown to my ears. With these auspicious words he turned over
+the object upon his hand doubtfully.
+
+"So entrancing a possibility is, as you gracefully suggest, of
+unavoidable denial," I replied. "Nevertheless, this person will not
+hesitate to join his acclamation with yours; for, as the Book of Verses
+wisely says, 'Even the blind, if truly polite, will extol the prospect
+from your house-top.'"
+
+"That's so," admitted the one by my side. "But I don't know that there
+is any call for a special thanksgiving. As I happen to have more
+money of my own than I can reasonably spend I shall drop this in at a
+convenient police station. I dare say some poor critter is pining away
+for it now."
+
+Pleasantly impressed by the resolute benevolence of the one who had
+a greater store of wealth than he could, by his own unaided efforts,
+dispose of, I arranged myself unobtrusively at his side, and maintaining
+an exhibition of my most polished and genial conversation, I sought to
+penetrate deeply into his esteem.
+
+"Gaze in this direction, Kong," he said at length, calling me by name
+with auspicious familiarity; "I am a benighted stranger in this hyer
+city, and so are you, I rek'n. Suppose we liquor up, and then take a few
+of the side shows together."
+
+"The suggestion is one against which I will erect no ill-disposed
+barrier," I at once replied, so inflexibly determined not to lose sight
+of a person possessing such engaging attributes as to be cheerfully
+prepared even to consume my rice spirit in the inverted position which
+his words implied if the display was persisted in. "Nevertheless,"
+I added, with a resourceful prudence, "although by no means
+undistinguished among the highest literary and competitive circles of
+his native Yuen-ping, the one before you is incapable of walking in the
+footsteps of a person whose accumulations are greater than he himself
+can appreciably diminish."
+
+"That's all right, Kong," exclaimed the one whom my last words fittingly
+described, striking the recess of his lower garment with a gesture of
+graceful significance. "When I take a fancy to any one it isn't a matter
+of dollars. I usually carry a trifle of five hundred or a thousand
+pounds in my pocket-book, and if we can get through that--why, there's
+plenty more waiting at the bank. Say, though, I hope you don't keep much
+about you; it isn't really safe."
+
+"The temptation to do so is one which this person has hitherto
+successfully evaded," I replied. "The contents of this reptile-skin
+case"--and not to be outshone in mutual confidence I here displayed it
+openly--"do not exceed nine or ten pieces of gold and a like number of
+printed obligations promising to pay five pieces each."
+
+"Put it away, Kong," he said resolutely. "You won't need that so long as
+you're with me. Well, now, what sort of a saloon have we here?"
+
+As far as the opinion might be superficially expressed it had every
+indication of being one of noteworthy antiquity, and to the innately
+modest mind its unassuming diffidence might have lent an added charm.
+Nevertheless, on most occasions this person would have maintained
+an unshaken dexterity in avoiding its open door, but as the choice
+admittedly lay in the hands of one who carried five hundred or a
+thousand pieces of gold we went in together and passed through to a
+compartment of retiring seclusion.
+
+In our own land, O my orthodox-minded father, where the unfailing
+resources of innumerable bands of dragons, spirits, vampires, ghouls,
+shadows, omens, and thunderstorms are daily enlisted to carry into
+effect the pronouncements of an appointed destiny, we have many
+historical examples of the inexorably converging legs of coincidence,
+but none, I think, more impressively arranged than the one now
+descending this person's brush.
+
+We had scarcely reposed ourselves, and taken from the hands of an
+awaiting slave the vessels of thrice-potent liquid which in this Island
+is regarded as the indispensable accompaniment to every movement of
+existence, when a third person entered the room, and seating himself
+at a table some slightly removed distance away, lowered his head and
+abandoned himself to a display of most lavish dejection.
+
+"That poor cuss doesn't appear to be holiday-making," remarked the
+sincerely-compassionate person at my side, after closely observing the
+other for a period; and then, moved by the overpowering munificence of
+his inward nature, he called aloud, "Say, stranger, you seem to have
+got it thickly in the neck. Is it family affliction or the whisky of the
+establishment?"
+
+At these affably-intentioned words the stranger raised his eyes quickly,
+with an indication of not having up to that time been aware of our
+presence.
+
+"Sir," he exclaimed, approaching to a spot where he could converse
+with a more enhanced facility, "when I loosened the restraint of an
+overpowering if unmanly grief, I imagined that I was alone, for I
+would have shunned even the most flattering sympathy, but your
+charitably-modulated voice invites confidence. The one before you is the
+most contemptible, left-handed, and disqualified outcast in creation,
+and he is now making his way towards the river, while his widow will be
+left to take in washing, his infant son to vend evening printed leaves,
+and his graceful and hitherto highly secluded daughters to go upon the
+stage."
+
+"Say, stranger," interposed this person, by no means unwilling to
+engrave upon his memory this newly-acquired form of greeting, "the
+emotion is doubtless all-pressing, but in my ornate and flower-laden
+tongue we have a salutation, 'Slowly, slowly; walk slowly,' which seems
+to be of far-seeing application."
+
+"That's so," remarked the one by my side. "Separate it with the teeth,
+inch by inch."
+
+"I will be calm, then," continued the other (who, to avoid the
+complication of the intermingling circumstances, may be described as
+the more stranger of the two), and he took of his neckcloth. "I am a
+merchant in tea, yellow fat, and mixed spices, in a small but hitherto
+satisfactory way." Thus revealing himself, he continued to set forth
+how at an earlier hour he had started on a journey to deposit his wealth
+(doubtless as a propitiation of outraged deities) upon a certain bank,
+and how, upon reaching the specified point, he discovered that what
+he carried had eluded his vigilance. "All gone: notes, gold, and
+pocket-book--the savings of a lifetime," concluded the ill-omened one,
+and at the recollection a sudden and even more highly-sustained frenzy
+of self-unpopularity involving him, without a pause he addressed himself
+by seven and twenty insulting expressions, many of which were quite new
+to my understanding.
+
+At the earliest mention of the details affecting the loss, the elbow of
+the person who had made himself responsible for the financial obligation
+of the day propelled itself against my middle part, and unseen by the
+other he indicated to me by means of his features that the entertainment
+was becoming one of agreeable prepossession.
+
+"Now, touching this hyer wallet," he said presently. "How might you
+describe it?"
+
+"In colour it was red, and within were two compartments, the one
+containing three score notes each of ten pounds, the other fifty pounds
+of gold. But what's the use of describing it? Some lucky demon will pick
+it up and pocket the lot, and I shall never see a cent of it again."
+
+"Then you'd better consult one who reburnishes the eyes," declared the
+magnanimous one with a laugh, and drawing forth the article referred to
+he cast it towards the merchant in a small way.
+
+At this point of the narrative my thoroughly incompetent brush confesses
+the proportions of the requirement to be beyond its most extended
+limit, and many very honourable details are necessarily left without
+expression.
+
+"I've known men of all sorts, good, bad, and bothwise," exclaimed the
+one who had recovered his possessions; "but I never thought to meet
+a gent as would hand over six hundred and fifty pounds as if it was a
+toothpick. Sir, it overbalances me; it does, indeed."
+
+"Say no more about it," urged the first person, and to suggest
+gracefully that the incident had reached its furthest extremity, he
+began to set out the melody of an unspoken verse.
+
+"I will say no more, then," he replied; "but you cannot reasonably
+prevent my doing something to express my gratitude. If you are not too
+proud you will come and partake of food and wine with me beneath the
+sign of the Funereal Male Cow, and to show my confidence in you I shall
+insist upon you carrying my pocket-book."
+
+The person whom I had first encountered suffered his face to become
+excessively amused. "Say, stranger, do you take me for a pack-mule?"
+he replied good-naturedly. "I already have about as much as I want to
+handle. Never mind; we'll come along with you, and Mr. Kong shall carry
+your bullion."
+
+At this delicate and high-minded proposal a rapid change, in no way
+complimentary to my explicit habit of adequately conducting any venture
+upon which I may be engaged, came over the face of the second person.
+
+"Sir," he exclaimed, "I have nothing to say against this gentleman, but
+I am under no obligation to him, and I don't see why I should trust him
+with everything I possess."
+
+"Stranger," exclaimed the other rising to his feet (and from this point
+it must be understood that the various details succeeded one another
+with a really agile dexterity), "let me tell you that Mr. Kong is my
+friend, and that ought to be enough."
+
+"It is. If you say this gentleman is your friend, and that you have
+known him long and intimately enough to be able to answer for him,
+that's good enough for me."
+
+"Well," admitted the first person, and I could not conceal from myself
+that his tone was inauspiciously reluctant, "I can't exactly say that
+I've known him long; in fact I only met him half an hour ago. But I have
+the fullest confidence in his integrity."
+
+"It's just as I expected. Well, sir, you're good-natured enough for
+anything, but if you'll excuse me, I must say that you're a small piece
+of an earthenware vessel after all"--the veiled allusion doubtlessly
+being that the vessel of necessity being broken, the contents inevitably
+escape--"and I hope you're not being had."
+
+"I'm not, and I'll prove it before we go out together," retorted the
+engaging one, who had in the meantime become so actively impetuous on my
+account, that he did not remain content with the spoken words, but threw
+the various belongings about as he mentioned them in a really profuse
+display of inimitable vehemence. "Here, Kong, take this hyer pocket-book
+whatever he says. Now on the top of that take everything I've got, and
+you know what THAT figures up to. Now give this gentleman your little
+lot to keep him quiet; I don't ask for anything. Now, stranger, I'm
+ready. You and I will take a stroll round the block and back again, and
+if Mr. Kong isn't waiting here for us when we return with everything
+intact and O.K., I'll double your deposit and never trust a durned soul
+again."
+
+Nodding genially over his shoulder with a harmonious understanding,
+expressive of the fact that we were embarking upon an undeniably
+diverting episode, the benevolent-souled person who had accumulated more
+riches than he was competent to melt away himself, passed out, urging
+the doubtful and still protesting one before him.
+
+Thus abandoned to my own reflections, I pondered for a short time
+profitably on the third head of the day's meditation (Touching the match
+and this person's unattractively-lined face. The revealed truth: the
+inexperienced sheep cannot pass through the hedge without leaving
+portions of his wool), and then finding the philosophy of Wei Chung very
+good, I determined to remove the superfluous apprehensions of the vender
+of food-stuffs with less delay by setting out and meeting them on their
+return.
+
+A few paces distant from the door, one of the ever-present watchers of
+the street was standing, watching the street with unremitting vigilance,
+while from the well-guarded expression of his face it might nevertheless
+be gathered that he stood as though in expectation.
+
+"Prosperity," I said, with seasonable greeting. (For no excess of
+consideration is too great to be lavished upon these, who unite
+within themselves the courage of a high warrior, the expertness of a
+three-handed magician, and the courtesy of a genial mandarin.) "I
+seek two, apparelled thus and thus. Did you, by any chance, mark the
+direction of their footsteps?"
+
+"Oh," he said, regarding this person with a most flattering application,
+"YOU seek them, do you? Well, they've just gone off in a hansom, and
+they'll want a lot of seeking for the next week or two. You let them
+carry your purse, perhaps?"
+
+"Assuredly," I replied. "As a mark of confidence; this person, for his
+part, receiving a like token at their hands."
+
+"That's it," said the official watcher, conveying into his voice a
+subtle indication that he had become excessively fatigued. "It's like
+a nursery tale--never too old to take with the kids. Well, come along,
+poor lamb, the station isn't far."
+
+So great had become the reliance which by this time I habitually reposed
+in these men, that I never sought to oppose their pronouncements (such
+a course being not only useless but undignified), and we therefore
+together reached the place which the one by my side had described as a
+station.
+
+From the outside the building was in no way imposing, but upon reaching
+an inner dungeon it at once became plain that no matter with what crime
+a person might be charged, even the most stubborn resistance would be
+unavailing. Before a fiercely-burning fire were arranged metal pincers,
+massive skewers, ornamental branding irons, and the usual accessories of
+the grill, one tool being already thrust into the heart of the flame
+to indicate the nature of its use, and its immediate readiness for the
+purpose. Pegs from which the accused could be hung by the thumbs
+with weights attached to the feet, covered an entire wall; chains,
+shackling-irons, fetters, steel rings for compressing the throat, and
+belts for tightening the chest, all had their appointed places, while
+the Chair, the Boot, the Heavy Hat, and many other appliances quite
+unknown to our system of administering justice were scattered about.
+
+Without pausing to select any of these, the one who led me approached
+a raised desk at which was seated a less warlike official, whose
+sympathetic appearance inspired confidence. "Kong Ho," exclaimed to
+himself the person who is inscribing these words, "here is an individual
+into whose discriminating ear it would be well to pour the exact
+happening without evasion. Then even if the accusation against you be
+that of resembling another or trafficking with unlawful Forces, he will
+doubtless arrange the matter so that the expiation shall be as light and
+inexpensive as possible."
+
+By this time certain other officials had drawn near. "What is it?" I
+heard one demand, and another replied, "Brooklyn Ben and Jimmie the
+Butterman again. Ah, they aren't artful, are they!" but at this moment
+the two into whose power I had chiefly fallen having conversed together,
+I was commanded to advance towards them and reveal my name.
+
+"Kong," I replied freely; and I had formed a design to explain somewhat
+of the many illustrious ancestors of the House, when the one at the
+desk, pausing to inscribe my answer in a book, spoke out.
+
+"Kong?" he said. "Is that the christian or surname?"
+
+"Sir-name?" replied this person between two thoughts. "Undoubtedly
+the one before you is entitled by public examination to the degree
+'Recognised Talent,' which may, as a meritorious distinction, be held
+equal to your title of a warrior clad in armour. Yet, if it is so held,
+that would rightly be this person's official name of Paik."
+
+"Oh, it would, would it?" said the one seated upon the high chair.
+"That's quite clear. Are there any other names as well?"
+
+"Assuredly," I explained, pained inwardly that one of official rank
+should so slightly esteem my appearance as to judge that I was so
+meagrely endowed. "The milk name of Ho; Tsin upon entering the Classes;
+as a Great Name Cheng; another style in Quank; the official title
+already expressed, and T'chun, Li, Yuen and Nung as the various
+emergencies of life arise."
+
+"Thank you," said the high-chair official courteously. "Now, just the
+name in full, please, without any velvet trimmings."
+
+"Kong," began this person, desirous above all things of putting
+the matter competently, yet secretly perturbed as to what might be
+considered superfluous and what deemed a perfidious suppression, "Ho
+Tsin Cheng Quank--"
+
+"Hold hard," cried this same one, restraining me with an uplifted pen.
+"Did you say 'Quack'?"
+
+"Quack?" repeated this person, beginning to become involved within
+himself, and not grasping the detail in the right position. "In a manner
+of setting the expression forth--"
+
+"Put him down, 'Quack Duck,' sir," exclaimed one of dog-like dejection
+who stood by. "Most of these Lascars haven't got any real names--they
+just go by what any one happens to call them at the time, like 'Burmese
+Ike' down at the Mint," and this person unfortunately chancing to smile
+and bow acquiescently at that moment (not with any set intention, but
+as a general principle of courteous urbanity), in place of his really
+distinguished titles he will henceforth appear among the historical
+records of this dynasty under what he cannot disguise from his inner
+misgivings to be the low-caste appellation of Quack Duck.
+
+"Now the address, please," continued the high one, again preparing to
+inscribe the word, and being determined that by no mischance should this
+particular be offensively reported, I unhesitatingly replied, "Beneath
+the Sign of the Lead Tortoise, on the northern course from the Lotus
+Pools outside the walls of Yuen-ping."
+
+This answer the one with the book did not immediately record. "I
+don't say it isn't all right when you know the parts," he remarked
+broad-mindedly, "but it does sound a trifle irregular. Can't you give it
+a number and a street?"
+
+"I fancy it must be a pub, sir," observed another. "He said that it had
+a sign--the Red Tortoise."
+
+"Well, haven't you got a London address?" said the high one, and this
+person being able to supply a street and a number as desired, this part
+of the undertaking was disposed of, to his cordial satisfaction.
+
+"Now let me see the articles which these men left with you," commanded
+the chieftain of the band, and without any misleading discrepancies I at
+once drew forth from an inner sleeve the two scrips, of which adequate
+mention has already been made, another hitherto undescribed, two
+instruments for measuring the passing hours of the day, together with a
+chain of fine gold ingeniously wrought into the semblance of a cable,
+an ornament for the breast, set about with a jewel, two neck-cloths of
+a kind usually carried in the pocket, a book for recording happenings of
+any moment, pieces of money to the value of about eleven taels, a silver
+flagon, a sheathed weapon and a few lesser objects of insignificant
+value. These various details I laid obsequiously before the one who had
+commanded it, while the others stood around either in explicit silence
+or speaking softly beneath their breath.
+
+"Do I understand that the two persons left all these things with you,
+while they took your purse in exchange?" said the high official, after
+examining certain obscure signs upon the metals, the contents of the
+third scrip, and the like.
+
+"It cannot reasonably be denied," I replied; "inasmuch as they departed
+without them."
+
+"Spontaneously?" he demanded, and in spite of the unevadible severity of
+his voice the expression of his nearer eye deviated somewhat.
+
+"The spoken and conclusive word of the first was that it was his
+intention to commit to this one's keeping everything which he had; the
+assertion of the second being that with this scrip I received all that
+he possessed."
+
+"While of yours, what did they get, Mr. Quack?" and the tone of the one
+who spoke had a much more gratifying modulation than before, while the
+attitudes of those who stood around had favourably changed, until they
+now conveyed a message of deliberate esteem.
+
+"A serpent-skin case of two enclosures," I replied. "On the one side
+was a handcount of the small copper-pieces of this Island, which I had
+caused to be burnished and gilt for the purpose of taking back to amuse
+those of Yuen-ping. On the other side were two or three pages from a
+gravity-removing printed leaf entitled 'Bits of Tits,' with which
+this person weekly instructs himself in the simpler rudiments of the
+language. For the rest the case was controlled by a hidden spring, and
+inscribed about with a charm against loss, consumption by fire, or being
+secretly acquired by the unworthy."
+
+"I don't think you stand in much need of that charm, Mr. Quack,"
+remarked another of more than ordinary rank, who was also present. "Then
+they really got practically no money from you?"
+
+"By no means," I admitted. "It was never literally stipulated, and
+whatever of wealth he possesses this person carries in a concealed spot
+beneath his waistbelt." (For even to these, virtuous sire, I did not
+deem it expedient to reveal the fact that in reality it is hidden within
+the sole of my left sandal.)
+
+"I congratulate you," he said with lavish refinement. "Ben and the
+Butterman can be very bland and persuasive. Could you tell me, as a
+matter of professional curiosity, what first put you on your guard?"
+
+"In this person's country," I replied, "there is an apt saying, 'The
+sagacious bird does not build his nest twice in the empty soup-toureen,'
+and by observing closely what has gone before one may accurately
+conjecture much that will follow after." It may be, that out of my
+insufferable shortcomings of style and expression, this answer did not
+convey to his mind the logical sequence of the warning; yet it would
+have been more difficult to show him how everything arose from the
+faultlessly-balanced system of the heroic Wei Chung, or the exact
+parallel lying between the ill-clad outcast who demanded a portion of
+tobacco and the cheerfully unassuming stranger who had in his possession
+a larger accumulation of money than he could conveniently disperse.
+
+In such a manner I took leave of the station and those connected with
+it, after directing that the share of the spoil which fell by the law
+of this Island to my lot should be sold and the money of exchange
+faithfully divided among the virtuous and necessitous of both sexes. The
+higher officials each waved me pleasantly by the hand, according to the
+striking and picturesque custom of the land, while the lesser ones stood
+around and spoke flattering words as I departed, as "honourable," "a
+small piece of all-right," "astute ancient male fowl," "ah!" and the
+like.
+
+With repeated assurances that however ineptly the adventure may at the
+time appear to be tending, as regards the essentials of true dignity
+and an undeviating grasp upon articles of negotiable value, nothing of a
+regrettable incident need be feared.
+
+KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER IX
+
+
+ Concerning the proverb of the highly-accomplished horse. The
+ various perils to be encountered in the Beneath Parts. The
+ inexplicable journey performed by this one, and concerning
+ the obscurity of the witchcraft employed.
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE,--Among these islanders there is a proverb, "Do not place
+the carte" (or card, the two words having an identical purport, and
+both signifying the inscribed tablet of viands prepared for a banquet,)
+"before the horse." Doubtless the saying first arose as a timely rebuke
+to a certain barbarian emperor who announced his contempt for the
+intelligence of his subjects by conferring high mandarin rank upon a
+favourite steed and ceremoniously appointing it to be his chancellor;
+but from the narrower moral that an unreasoning animal is out of place,
+and even unseemly, in the entertaining hall or council chamber, the
+expression has in the course of time taken a wider application and is
+now freely used as an insidious thrust at one who may be suspected of
+contrariness of character, of confusing issues, or of acting in a vain
+or illogical manner. I had already preserved the saying among other
+instances of foreign thought and expression which I am collecting for
+your dignified amusement, as it is very characteristic of the wisdom and
+humour of these Outer Lands. The imagination is essentially barbaric. A
+horse--doubtless well-groomed, richly-caparisoned, and as intellectual
+as the circumstances will permit, but inevitably an animal of degraded
+attributes and untraceable ancestry--a horse reclining before a lavishly
+set-out table and considering well of what dish it shall next partake!
+Could anything, it appears, be more diverting! Truly to our more refined
+outlook the analogy is lacking both in delicacy of wit and in exactitude
+of balance, but to the grosser barbarian conception of what is
+gravity-removing it is irresistible.
+
+I am, however, reminded of the saying by perceiving that I was on the
+point of recording certain details of recent occurrence without first
+unrolling to your mind the incidents from which it has arisen that the
+person who is now communicating with you is no longer reposing in the
+Capital, but spending a period profitably in observing the habits of
+those who dwell in the more secluded recesses on the outskirts of the
+Island. This reversal of the proper sequence of affairs would doubtless
+strike those around as an instance of setting the banquet before the
+horse. Without delay, then, to pursue the allusion to its appropriate
+end, I will return, as it may be said, to my nosebag.
+
+At various points about the streets of the Capital there are certain
+caverns artificially let into the bowels of the earth, to which any
+person may betake himself upon purchasing a printed sign which he must
+display to the guardian of the gate. Once within the underneathmost
+parts he is free to be carried from place to place by means of the
+trains of carriages which I have already described to you, until he
+would return to the outer surface, when he must again display his
+talisman before he is permitted to pass forth. Nor is this an empty
+form, for upon an occasion this person himself witnessed a very bitter
+contention between a keeper of the barrier and one whose token had
+through some cause lost its potency.
+
+In the company of the experienced I had previously gone through the
+trial without mischance, so that recently when I expressed a wish to
+visit a certain Palace, and was informed that the most convenient manner
+would be to descend into the nearest cavern, I had no reasonable device
+for avoiding the encounter. Nevertheless, enlightened sire, I will
+not attempt to conceal from your omniscience that I was by no means
+impetuous towards the adventure. Owing to the pugnacious and unworthy
+suspicions of those who direct their destinies, I have not yet been
+able to penetrate the exact connection between the movements of these
+hot-smoke chariots and the Unseen Forces. To a person whose chief object
+in life is to avoid giving offence to any of the innumerable demons
+which are ever on the watch to revenge themselves upon our slightest
+indiscretion, this uncertainty opens an unending vista of intolerable
+possibilities. As if to emphasise the perils of this overhanging doubt
+the surroundings are ingeniously arranged so as to represent as nearly
+as practicable the terrors of the Beneath World. Both by day and night a
+funereal gloom envelops the caverns, the pathways and resting-places are
+meagre and so constructed as to be devoid of attraction or repose, and
+by a skilful contrivance the natural atmosphere is secretly withdrawn
+and a very acrimonious sulphurous haze driven in to replace it.
+In sudden and unforeseen places eyes of fire open and close with
+disconcerting rapidity, and even change colour in vindictive
+significance; wooden hands are outstretched as in unrelenting rigidity
+against supplication, or, divining the unexpressed thoughts, inexorably
+point, as one gazes, still deeper into the recesses of the earth; while
+the air is never free from the sounds of groans, shrieks, the rattling
+of chains, dull, hopeless noises beneath one's feet or overhead, and the
+hoarse wordless cries of despair with which the attending slaves of the
+caverns greet the distant clamour of every approaching fire-chariot.
+Admittedly the intention of the device is benevolently conceived, and
+it is strenuously asserted that many persons of corrupt habits and
+ill-balanced lives, upon waking unexpectedly while passing through
+these Beneath Parts, have abandoned the remainder of their journey, and,
+escaping hastily to the outer air, have from that time onwards led a
+pure and consistent existence; but, on the other foot, those who are
+compelled to use the caverns daily, freely confess that the surroundings
+to not in any material degree purify their lives of tranquillise the
+nature of their inner thoughts.
+
+In this emergency I did not neglect to write out a diversity of charms
+against every possible variety of evil influence, and concealing them
+lavishly about my head and body, I presented myself with the outer
+confidence of a person who is inured to the exploit. Doubtless thereby
+being mistaken for one of themselves in the obscurity, I received the
+inscribed safeguard without opposition, and even an added sum in copper
+pieces, which I discreetly returned to the one behind the shutter, with
+the request that he would honourably burn a few joss sticks or sacrifice
+to a trivial amount, to the success of my journey. In such a manner
+I reached an awaiting train, and, taking up within it a position of
+retiring modesty, I definitely committed myself to the undertaking.
+
+At the next tarrying place there entered a barbarian of high-class
+appearance, and being by this time less assured of my competence in the
+matter unaided, both on account of the multiplicity of evil omens on
+every side, and the perverse impulses of the guiding demon, whereby
+at sudden angles certain of my organs had the emotion of being left
+irrevocably behind and others of being snatched relentlessly forward, I
+approached him courteously.
+
+"Behold," I said, "many thousand li of water, both fresh and bitter,
+flow between the one who is addressing you and his native town of
+Yuen-ping, where the tablets at the street corners are as familiar to
+him as the lines of his own unshapely hands; for, as it is truly said,
+'Does the starling know the lotus roots, or the pomfret read its way by
+the signs among the upper branches of the pines?' Out of the necessities
+of his ignorance and your own overwhelming condescension enlighten him,
+therefore, whether the destination of this fire-chariot by any chance
+corresponds with the inscribed name upon his talisman?"
+
+Thus adjured, the stranger benevolently turned himself to the detail,
+and upon consulting a book of symbols he expressed himself to this wise:
+that after a sufficient interval I should come into a certain station,
+called in part after the title of the enlightened ruler of this Island,
+and there abandoning the train which was carrying us, I should enter
+another which would bring me out of the Beneath Parts and presently into
+the midst of that Palace which I sought. This advice seemed good, for
+a reasonable connection might be supposed to exist between a station
+so auspiciously called and a Palace bearing the harmonious name of
+the gracious and universally-revered sovereign-consort. Accordingly I
+thanked him ceremoniously, not only on my own part, but also on behalf
+of eleven generations of immediate ancestors, and in the name of seven
+generations who should come after, and he on his side agreeably replied
+that he was sure his grandmother would have done as much for mine, and
+he sincerely hoped that none of his great-great-grandchildren would
+prove less obliging. In this intellectual manner, varied with the
+entertainment of profuse bows, the time passed cordially between us
+until the barbarian reached his own alighting stage, when he again
+repeated the various details of the strategy for my observance.
+
+At this point let it be set forth deliberately that there existed no
+treachery in the advice, still less that this person is incapable of
+competently achieving the destined end of any hazard upon which he
+may embark when once the guiding signs have been made clear to his
+understanding. Whatever entanglement arose was due merely to the
+conflicting manners of expression used by two widely-varying races, even
+as our own proverb says, "What is only sauce for the cod is serious for
+the oyster."
+
+At the station indicated as bearing the sign of the ruler of the country
+(which even a person of little discernment could have recognised by
+the highly-illuminated representation bearing the elusively-worded
+inscription, "In packets only"), I left this fire-chariot, and at once
+perceiving another in an attitude of departure, I entered it, as the
+casual barbarian had definitely instructed, and began to assure myself
+that I had already become expertly proficient in the art of journeying
+among these Beneath Regions and to foresee the time, not far distant,
+when others would confidently address themselves to me in their
+extremities. So entrancing did this contemplation grow, that this
+outrageous person began to compose the actual words with which he would
+instruct them as the occasion arose, as thus, "Undoubtedly, O virtuous
+and not unattractive maiden, this fire-engine will ultimately lead your
+refined footsteps into the street called Those who Bake Food. Do not
+hesitate, therefore, to occupy the vacant place by this insignificant
+one's side"; or, "By no means, honourable sir; the Cross of Charing
+is in the precisely opposite direction to that selected by this
+self-opinionated machine for its inopportune destination. Do not rebuke
+this person for his immoderate loss of mental gravity, for your mistake,
+though pardonable in a stranger, is really excessively diverting. Your
+most prudent course now will assuredly be to cast yourself from the
+carriage without delay and rely upon the benevolent intervention of a
+fire-chariot proceeding backwards."
+
+Alas, it is truly said, "None but sword-swallowers should endeavour to
+swallow swords," thereby signifying the vast chasm that lies between
+those who are really adroit in an undertaking and those who only think
+that they may easily become so. Presently it began to become deeply
+impressed upon my discrimination that the journey was taking a more
+lengthy duration than I had been given to understand would be the case,
+while at the same time a permanent deliverance from the terrors of the
+Beneath Parts seemed to be insidiously lengthening out into a funereal
+unattainableness. The point of this person's destination, he had been
+assured on all hands, was a spot beyond which even the most aggressively
+assertive engine could not proceed, so that he had no fears of being
+incapably drawn into more remote places, yet when hour after hour passed
+and the ill-destined machine never failed in its malicious endeavours to
+leave each successive tarrying station, it is not to be denied that
+my imagination dwelt regretfully upon the true civilisation of our
+own enlightened country, where, by the considerate intervention of an
+all-wise government, the possibilities of so distressing an experience
+are sympathetically removed from one's path. Thus the greater part of
+the day had faded, and I was conjecturing that by this time we must
+inevitably be approaching the barren and inhospitable country which
+forms the northern limit of the Island, when the door suddenly opened
+and the barbarian stranger whom I had left many hundred li behind
+entered the carriage.
+
+At this manifestation all uncertainty departed, and I now understood
+that to some obscure end witchcraft of a very powerful and high-caste
+kind was being employed around me; for in no other way was it credible
+to one's intelligence that a person could propel himself through the
+air with a speed greater than that of one of these fire-chariots, and
+overtake it. Doubtless it was a part of this same scheme which made it
+seem expedient to the stranger that he should feign a part, for he
+at once greeted me as though the occasion were a matter of everyday
+happening, exclaiming genially--
+
+"Well, Mr. Kong, returning? And what do you think of the Palace?"
+
+"It is fitly observed, 'To the earthworm the rice stalk is as high as
+the pagoda,'" I replied with adroit evasion, clearly understanding from
+his manner that for some reason, not yet revealed to me, a course of
+dissimulation was expedient in order to mislead the surrounding
+demons concerning my movements, and by a subtle indication of the face
+conveying to the stranger an assurance that I had tactfully grasped
+the requirement, and would endeavour to walk well upon his heels,
+"and therefore it would be unseemly for a person of my insignificant
+attainments to engage in the doubtful flattery of comparing it with
+the many other residences of the pure and exalted which embellish your
+Capital."
+
+"Oh," said the one whom I may now suitably describe by the name of Sir
+Philip, "that's rather a useful proverb sometimes. Many people there?"
+
+At this inquiry I could not disguise from myself an emotion that
+the person seated opposite was not diplomatically inspired in so
+persistently clinging to the one subject upon which he must assuredly
+know that I experienced an all-pervading deficiency. Nevertheless,
+being by this more fully convinced that the disguise was one of critical
+necessity, and not deeming that the essential ceremonies of one Palace
+would differ from those of another, no matter in what land they stood
+(while through all I read a clear design on Sir Philip's part that
+the opportunity was craftily arranged so that I might impress upon any
+vindictively-intentioned spirits within hearing an assumption of high
+protection), I replied that the gathering had been one of unparalleled
+splendour, both by reason of the multitude of exalted nobles present
+and also owing to the jewelled magnificence lavished on every detail.
+Furthermore, I continued, now definitely abandoning all the promptings
+of a wise reserve, and reflecting, as we say, that one may as well be
+drowned in the ocean as in a wooden bucket, not only did the sublime and
+unapproachable sovereign graciously permit me to kow-tow respectfully
+before him, but subsequently calling me to his side beneath a canopy of
+golden radiance, he conversed genially with me and benevolently assured
+me of his sympathetic favour on all occasions (this, I conjectured,
+would certainly overawe any Evil Force not among the very highest
+circles), while the no less magnanimous Prince of the Imperial Line
+questioned me with flattering assiduousness concerning a method of
+communicating with persons at a distance by means of blows or stamps
+upon a post (as far as the outer meaning conveyed itself to me), the
+houses which we build, and whether they contained an adequate provision
+of enclosed spaces in the walls.
+
+Doubtless I could have continued in this praiseworthy spirit of delicate
+cordiality to an indefinite amount had I not chanced to observe at this
+point that the expression of Sir Philip's urbanity had become entangled
+in a variety of other emotions, not all propitious to the scheme,
+so that in order to retire imperceptibly within myself I smiled
+broad-mindedly, remarking that it was well said that the moon was only
+bright while the sun was hid, and that I had lately been dazzled with
+the sight of so much brilliance and virtuous condescension that
+there were occasions when I questioned inwardly how much I had really
+witnessed, and how much had been conveyed to me in the nature of an
+introspective vision.
+
+It will already have been made plain to you, O my courtly-mannered
+father, that these barbarians are totally deficient in the polite
+art whereby two persons may carry on a flattering and highly-attuned
+conversation, mutually advantageous to the esteem of each, without it
+being necessary in any way that their statements should have more than
+an ornamental actuality. So wanting in this, the most concentrated form
+of truly well-bred entertainment, are even their high officials,
+that after a few more remarks, to which I made answer in a spirit of
+skilfully-sustained elusiveness, the utterly obtuse Sir Philip said at
+length, "Excuse my asking, Mr. Kong, but have you really been to the
+Alexandra Palace at all?"
+
+Admittedly there are few occasions in life on which it is not possible
+to fail to see the inopportune or low-class by a dignified impassiveness
+of features, an adroitly-directed jest, or a remark of baffling
+inconsequence, but in the face of so distressingly straightforward a
+demand what can be advanced by a person of susceptible refinement when
+opposed to one of incomparably larger dimensions, imprisoned by his side
+in the recess of a fire-chariot which is leaping forward with uncurbed
+velocity, and surrounded by demons with whose habits and partialities he
+is unfamiliar?
+
+"In a manner of expressing the circumstance," I replied, "it is not to
+be denied that this person's actual footsteps may have imperceptibly
+been drawn somewhat aside from the path of his former design. Yet
+inasmuch as it is truly said that the body is in all things subservient
+to the mind, and is led withersoever it is willed, and as your engaging
+directions were scrupulously observed with undeviating fidelity, it
+would be impertinently self-opinionated on this person's part to
+imply that they failed to guide him to his destination. Thus, for all
+ceremonial purposes, it is permissible conscientiously to assume that he
+HAS been there."
+
+"I am afraid that I must not have been sufficiently clear," said Sir
+Philip. "Did you miss the train at King's Cross?"
+
+"By no means," I replied firmly, pained inwardly that he should cast the
+shadow of such narrow incompetence upon me. "Seeing this machine on the
+point of setting forth on a journey, even as your overwhelming
+sagacity had enabled you to predict would be the case, I embarked with
+self-reliant confidence."
+
+"Good lord!" murmured the person opposite, beginning to manifest an
+excess of emotion for which I was quite unable to account. "Then you
+have been in this train--your actual footsteps I mean, Mr. Kong; not
+your ceremonial abstract subliminal ego--ever since?"
+
+To this I replied that his words shone like the moon at midnight with
+scintillating points of truth; adding, however, as the courtesies of
+the occasion required, that I had been so impressed with the many-sided
+brilliance of his conversation earlier in the day as to render the
+flight of time practically unnoticed by me.
+
+"But did it never occur to you to ask at one of the stations?" he
+demanded, still continuing to wave his hands incapably from side to
+side. "Any of the porters would have told you."
+
+"Kong Li Heng, the founder of our line, who was really great, has been
+dead eleven centuries, and no single fact or incident connected with his
+life has been preserved to influence mankind," I replied. "How much less
+will it matter, then, even in so limited a space of time as a hundred
+years, in what fashion so insignificant a person as the one before you
+acted on any occasion, and why, therefore, should he distress himself
+unnecessarily to any precise end?" In this manner I sought to place
+before him the dignified example of an imperturbability which can be
+maintained in every emergency, and at the same time to administer a
+plain yet scrupulously-sheathed rebuke; for the inauspicious manner in
+which he had first drawn me on to speak confidently of the ceremonies of
+the Royal Palace and then held up my inadequacy to undeserved contempt
+had not rejoiced my imagination, and I was still uncertain how much to
+claim, and whether, perchance, even yet a more subtle craft lay under
+all.
+
+"Well, in any case, when you go back you can claim the distinction of
+having been taken seven times round London, although you can't really
+have seen much of it," said Sir Philip. "This is a Circle train."
+
+At this assertion I looked up. Though admittedly curved a little about
+the roof the chariot was in every essential degree what we should
+pronounce to be a square one; whereupon, feeling at length that the
+involvement had definitely passed to a point beyond my contemptible
+discernment, I spread out my hands acquiescently and affably remarked
+that the days were lengthening out pleasantly.
+
+In such a manner I became acquainted with the one Sir Philip, and
+thereby, in a somewhat circuitous line, the original purpose which
+possessed my brush when I began this inept and commonplace letter
+is reached; for the person in question not only lay upon himself the
+obligation of leading me "by the strings of his apron-garment"--in the
+characteristic and fanciful turn of the barbarian language--to that same
+Palace on the following day, but thenceforth gracefully affecting to
+discern certain agreeable virtues in my conversation and custom of habit
+he frequently sought me out. More recently, on the double plea that they
+of his household had a desire to meet me, and that if I spent all my
+time within the Capital my impressions of the Island would necessarily
+be ill-balanced and deformed, he advanced a project that I should
+accompany him to a spot where, as far as I was competent to grasp
+the idiom, he was in the habit of sitting (doubtless in an abstruse
+reverie), in the country; and having assured myself by means of discreet
+innuendo that the seat referred to would be adequate for this person
+also, and that the occasion did not in any way involve a payment of
+money, I at once expressed my willingness towards the adventure.
+
+With numerous expressions of unfeigned regret (from a filial point of
+view) that the voice of one of the maidens of the household, lifted
+in the nature of a defiance against this one to engage with her in a
+two-handed conflict of hong pong, obliges him to bring this immature
+composition to a hasty close.
+
+KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER X
+
+
+ Concerning the authority of this high official, Sir Philip.
+ The side-slipperyness of barbarian etiquette. The hurl-
+ headlong sportiveness and that achieving its end by means of
+ curved mallets.
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE,--If this person's memory is accurately poised on the
+detail, he was compelled to abandon his former letter (when on the point
+of describing the customs of these outer places), in order to take part
+in a philosophical discussion with some of the venerable sages of the
+neighbourhood.
+
+Resuming the narration where it had reached this remote province of
+the Empire, it is a suitable opportunity to explain that this same
+Sir Philip is here greeted on every side with marks of deferential
+submission, and is undoubtedly an official of high button, for whenever
+the inclination seizes him he causes prisoners to be sought out, and
+then proceeds to administer justice impartially upon them. In the case
+of the wealthy and those who have face to lose, the matter is generally
+arranged, to his profit and to the satisfaction of all, by the payment
+of an adequate sum of money, after the invariable custom of our own
+mandarincy. When this incentive to leniency is absent it is usual to
+condemn the captive to imprisonment in a cell (it is denied officially,
+but there is no reason to doubt that a large earthenware vessel is
+occasionally used for this purpose,) for varying periods, though it is
+notorious that in the case of the very necessitous they are sometimes
+set freely at liberty, and those who took them publicly reprimanded for
+accusing persons from whose condition on possible profit could arise.
+This confinement is seldom inflicted for a longer period than seven,
+fourteen, or twenty-one days (these being lucky numbers,) except in the
+case of those who have been held guilty of ensnaring certain birds and
+beasts which appear to be regarded as sacred, for they have their duly
+appointed attendants who wear a garb and are trained in the dexterous
+use of arms, lurking with loaded weapons in secret places to catch the
+unwary, both by night and day. Upheld by the high nature of their office
+these persons shrink from no encounter and even suffer themselves to be
+killed with resolute unconcern; but when successful they are not denied
+an efficient triumph, for it is admitted that those whom they capture
+are marked men from that time (doubtless being branded upon the body
+with the name of their captor), and no future defence is availing. The
+third punishment, that of torture, is reserved for a class of solitary
+mendicants who travel from place to place, doubtless spreading the germs
+of an inflammatory doctrine of rebellion, for, owing to my own degraded
+obtuseness, the actual nature of their crimes could never be made clear
+to me. Of the tortures employed that known in their language as the
+"bath" (for which we have no real equivalent,) is the most dreaded, and
+this person has himself beheld men of gigantic proportions, whose bodies
+bore the stain of a voluntary endurance to every privation, abandon
+themselves to a most ignoble despair upon hearing the ill-destined word.
+Unquestionably the infliction is closely connected with our own ordeal
+of boiling water, but from other indications it is only reasonable to
+admit that there is an added ingredient, of which we probably have no
+knowledge, whereby the effect is enhanced in every degree, and the outer
+surface of the victim rendered more vulnerable. There is also another
+and milder form of torture, known as the "task", consisting either of
+sharp-edged stones being broken upon the body, or else the body broken
+upon sharp-edged stones, but precisely which is the official etiquette
+of the case this person's insatiable passion for accuracy and his
+short-sighted limitations among the more technical outlines of the
+language, prevent him from stating definitely.
+
+Let it here be openly confessed that the intricately-arranged titles
+used among these islanders, and the widely-varying dignities which they
+convey, have never ceased to embarrass my greetings on all occasions,
+and even yet, when a more crystal insight into their strangely illogical
+manners enables me not only to understand them clearly myself, but
+also to expound their significance to others, a necessary reticence is
+blended with my most profuse cordiality, and my salutations to one whom
+I am for the first time encountering are now so irreproachably balanced,
+that I can imperceptibly develop them into an engaging effusion, or,
+without actual offence, draw back into a condition of unapproachable
+exclusiveness as the necessity may arise. With us, O my immaculate sire,
+a yellow silk umbrella has for three thousand years denoted a fixed and
+recognisable title. A mandarin of the sixth degree need not hesitate to
+mingle on terms of assured equality with other mandarins of the sixth
+degree, and without any guide beyond a seemly instinct he perceives
+the reasonableness of assuming a deferential obsequiousness before a
+mandarin of the fifth rank, and a counterbalancing arrogance when in the
+society of an official who has only risen to the seventh degree, thus
+conforming to that essential principle of harmonious intercourse,
+"Remember that Chang Chow's ceiling is Tong Wi's floor"; but who shall
+walk with even footsteps in a land where the most degraded may legally
+bear the same distinguished name as that of the enlightened sovereign
+himself, where the admittedly difficult but even more purposeless
+achievement of causing a gold mine to float is held to be more
+praiseworthy than to pass a competitive examination or to compose a
+poem of inimitable brilliance, and where one wearing gilt buttons and an
+emblem in his hat proves upon ingratiating approach not to be a powerful
+official but a covetous and illiterate slave of inferior rank?
+Thus, through their own narrow-minded inconsistencies, even the most
+ceremoniously-proficient may at times present an ill-balanced attitude.
+This, without reproach to himself, concerns the inward cause whereby
+the one who is placed to you in the relation of an affectionate and
+ever-resourceful son found unexpectedly that he had lost the benignant
+full face of a lady of exalted title.
+
+At that time I had formed the acquaintance, in an obscure quarter of the
+city, of one who wore a uniform, and was addressed on all sides as the
+commander of a band, while the gold letters upon the neck part of his
+outer garment inevitably suggested that he had borne an honourable share
+in the recent campaign in a distant land. As I had frequently met many
+of similar rank drinking tea at the house of the engaging countess to
+whom I have alluded, I did not hesitate to prevail upon this Captain
+Miggs to accompany me there upon an occasion also, assuring him of
+equality and a sympathetic reception; but from the moment of our
+arrival the attitudes of those around pointed to the existence of some
+unpropitious barrier invisible to me, and when the one with whom I was
+associated took up an unassailable position upon the central table,
+and began to speak authoritatively upon the subject of The Virtues,
+the unenviable condition of the proud and affluent, and the myriads of
+fire-demons certainly laying in wait for those who partook of spiced tea
+and rich foods in the afternoon, and did not wear a uniform similar to
+his own, I began to recognise that the selection had been inauspiciously
+arranged. Upon taxing some around with the discrepancy (as there seemed
+to be no more dignified way of evading the responsibility), they were
+unable to contend against me that there were, indeed, two, if not more,
+distinct varieties of those bearing the rank of captain, and that they
+themselves belonged to an entirely different camp, wearing another
+dress, and possessing no authority to display the symbol of the letters
+S.A. upon their necks. With this admission I was content to leave the
+matter, in no way accusing them of actual duplicity, yet so withdrawing
+that any of unprejudiced standing could not fail to carry away the
+impression that I had been the victim of an unworthy artifice, and had
+been lured into their society by the pretext that they were other than
+what they really were.
+
+With the bitter-flavoured memory of this, and other in no way dissimilar
+episodes, lingering in my throat, it need not be a matter of conjecture
+that for a time I greeted warily all who bore a title, a mark of rank,
+or any similar appendage; who wore a uniform, weapon, brass helmet,
+jewelled crown, coat of distinctive colour, or any excessive superfluity
+of pearl or metal buttons; who went forth surrounded by a retinue, sat
+publicly in a chair or allegorical chariot, spoke loudly in the highways
+and places in a tone of official pronouncement, displayed any feather,
+emblem, inscribed badge, or printed announcement upon a pole, or in any
+way conducted themselves in what we should esteem to be fitting to
+a position of high dignity. From this arose the absence of outward
+enthusiasm with which I at first received Sir Philip's extended
+favour; for although I had come to distrust all the reasonable signs of
+established power, I distrusted, to a much more enhanced degree, their
+complete absence; and when I observed that the one in question was never
+accompanied by a band of musicians or flower-strewers, that he mingled
+as though on terms of familiar intercourse with the ordinary passers-by
+in the streets, and never struck aside those who chanced to impede
+his progress, and that he actually preferred those of low condition to
+approach him on their feet, rather than in the more becoming attitude
+of unconditional prostration, I reasoned with myself whether indeed he
+could consistently be a person of well-established authority, or whether
+I was not being again led away from my self-satisfaction by another
+obliquity of barbarian logic. It was for this reason that I now welcomed
+the admitted power which he has of incriminating persons in a variety
+of punishable offences, and I perceived with an added satisfaction
+that here, where this privilege is more fully understood, few meet him
+without raising their hands to the upper part of their heads in token of
+unquestioning submission; or, as one would interpret the symbolism into
+actual words, meaning, "Thus, from this point to the underneath part of
+our sandals, all between lies in the hollow of your comprehensive hand."
+
+There is a written jest among another barbarian nation that these among
+whom I am tarrying, being by nature a people who take their pleasures
+tragically, when they rise in the morning say, one to another, "Come,
+behold; it is raining again as usual; let us go out and kill somebody."
+Undoubtedly the pointed end of this adroit-witted saying may be found
+in the circumstance that it is, indeed, as the proverb aptly claims,
+raining on practically every occasion in life; while, to complete the
+comparison, for many dynasties past this nation has been successfully
+engaged in killing people (in order to promote their ultimate benefit
+through a momentary inconvenience,) in every part of the world. Thus
+the lines of parallel thought maintain a harmonious balance beyond the
+general analogy of their sayings; but beneath this may be found an even
+subtler edge, for in order to inure themselves to the requirement of a
+high destiny their various games and manners of disportment are, with a
+set purpose, so rigorously contested that in their progress most of the
+weak and inefficient are opportunely exterminated.
+
+There is a favourite and well-attended display wherein two opposing
+bands, each clad in robes of a distinctive colour, stand in extended
+lines of mutual defiance, and at a signal impetuously engage. The
+design of each is by force or guile to draw their opponents into an
+unfavourable position before an arch of upright posts, and then surging
+irresistibly forward, to carry them beyond the limit and hurl them to
+the ground. Those who successfully inflict this humiliation upon their
+adversaries until they are incapable of further resistance are hailed
+victorious, and sinking into a graceful attitude receive each a golden
+cup from the magnanimous hands of a maiden chose to the service, either
+on account of her peerless outline, the dignified position of her House,
+or (should these incentives be obviously wanting,) because the chief
+ones of her family are in the habit of contributing unstintingly to the
+equipment of the triumphal band. There is also another kind of strife,
+differing in its essentials only so far that all who engage therein are
+provided with a curved staff, with which they may dexterously draw their
+antagonists beyond the limits, or, should they fail to defend themselves
+adequately, break the smaller bones of their ankles. But this form of
+encounter, despite the use of these weapons, is really less fatal
+than the other, for it is not a permissible act to club an antagonist
+resentfully about the head with the staff, nor yet even to thrust
+it rigidly against his middle body. From this moderation the public
+countenance extended to the curved-pole game is contemptibly meagre when
+viewed by the side of the overwhelming multitudes which pour along every
+channel in order to witness a more than usually desperate trial of the
+hurl-headlong variety (the sight, indeed, being as attractive to these
+pale, blood-thirsty foreigners as an unusually large execution is
+with us), and as a consequence the former is little reputed save among
+maidens, the feeble, and those of timorous instincts.
+
+Thus positioned, regarding a knowledge of their outside amusements, it
+has always been one of the most prominent ambitions of this person's
+strategy to avoid being drawn into any encounter. At the same time,
+the thought that the maidens of the household here (of whom there are
+several, all so attractively proportioned that to compare them in a
+spirit of definite preference would be distastefully presumptuous to
+this person,) should regard me as one lacking in a sufficient display
+of violence was not fragrant to my sense of refinement; so that when
+Sir Philip, a little time after our arrival, related to me that on the
+following day he and a chosen band were to be engaged in the match of a
+cricket game against adversaries from the village, and asked whether I
+cared to bear a part in the strife, I grasped the muscles of the upper
+part of my left arm with my right hand--as I had frequently seen the
+hardy and virile do when the subject of their powers had been raised
+questioningly--and replied that I had long concealed an insatiable wish
+to take such a part at a point where the conflict would be the most
+revengefully contested.
+
+Being thus inflexibly committed it became very necessary to arrange a
+well-timed intervention (whether in the nature of bodily disorder, fire,
+or demoniacal upheaval, a warning omen, or the death of some of our
+chief antagonists), but before doing so I was desirous of understanding
+how this contest, which had hitherto remained outside my experience, was
+waged.
+
+There is here one of benevolent rotundity in whose authority lie the
+cavernous stores beneath the house and the vessels of gold and silver;
+of menial rank admittedly, yet exacting a seemly deference from all
+by the rich urbanity of his voice and the dignity of his massive
+proportions. In the affable condescension of his tone, and the
+discriminating encouragement of his attitude towards me on all
+occasions, I have read a sympathetic concern over my welfare. Him I now
+approached, and taking him aside, I first questioned him flatteringly
+about his age and the extent of his yearly recompense, and then casually
+inquired what in his language he would describe the nature of a cricket
+to be.
+
+"A cricket?" repeated the obliging person readily; "a cricket, sir, is a
+hinsect. Something, I take it, after the manner of a grass-'opper."
+
+"Truly," I agreed. "It is aptly likened. And, to continue the simile, a
+game cricket--?"
+
+"A game cricket?" he replied; "well, sir, naturally a game one would be
+more gamier than the others, wouldn't it?"
+
+"The inference is unflinching," I admitted, and after successfully
+luring away his mind from any significance in the inquiry by asking him
+whether the gift of a lacquered coffin or an embroidered shroud would be
+the more regarded on parting, I left him.
+
+His words, esteemed, for a definite reason were as the jade-clappered
+melody of a silver bell. This trial of sportiveness, it became
+clear,--less of a massacre than most of their amusements--is really
+a rivalry of leapings and dexterity of the feet: a conflict of game
+crickets or grass-hoppers, in the somewhat wide-angled obscurity of
+their language, or, as we would more appropriately call it doubtless,
+a festive competition in the similitude of high-spirited locusts. To
+whatever degree the surrounding conditions might vary, there could no
+longer be a doubt that the power of leaping high into the air was
+the essential constituent of success in this barbarian match of
+crickets--and in such an accomplishment this person excelled from the
+time of his youth with a truly incredible proficiency. Can it be a
+reproach, then, that when I considered this, and saw in a vision the
+contempt of inferiority which I should certainly be able to inflict
+upon these native crickets before the eyes of their maidens, even
+the accumulated impassiveness of thirty-seven generations of Kong
+fore-fathers broke down for the moment, and unable to restrain every
+vestige of emotion I crept unperceived to the ancestral hall of Sir
+Philip and there shook hands affectionately with myself before each of
+the nine ironclad warriors about its walls before I could revert to
+a becoming state of trustworthy unconcern. That night in my own upper
+chamber I spent many hours in testing my powers and studying more
+remarkable attitudes of locust flight, and I even found to be within
+myself some new attainments of life-like agility, such as feigning the
+continuous note of defiance with which the insect meets his adversary,
+as remaining poised in the air for an appreciable moment at the summit
+of each leap, and of conveying to the body a sudden and disconcerting
+sideway movement in the course of its ascent. So immersed did I become
+in the achievement of a high perfection that, to my never-ending
+self-reproach, I failed to notice a supernatural visitation of undoubted
+authenticity; for the next morning it was widely admitted that a certain
+familiar demon of the house, which only manifests its presence on
+occasions of tragic omen, had been heard throughout the night in
+warning, not only beating its head and body against the walls and
+doors in despair, but raising from time to time a wailing cry of
+soul-benumbing bitterness.
+
+With every assurance that the next letter, though equally distorted
+in style and immature in expression, will contain the record of a
+deteriorated but ever upward-striving son's ultimate triumph.
+
+KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XI
+
+
+ Concerning the game which we should call "Locusts," and the
+ deeper significance of its acts. The solicitous warning of
+ one passing inwards and the complication occasioned by his
+ ill-chosen words. Concerning that victory already dimly
+ foreshadowed.
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE,--This barbarian game of agile grass-hoppers is not
+conducted in the best spirit of a really well-balanced display, and
+although the one now inscribing his emotions certainly achieved a wide
+popularity, and wore his fig leaves with becoming modesty, he has never
+since been quite free from an overhanging doubt that the compliments and
+genial remarks with which he was assailed owed their modulation to an
+unsubstantial atmosphere of two-edged significance which for a period
+enveloped all whom he approached; as in the faces of maidens concealed
+behind fans when he passed, the down-drawn lips and up-raised eyes
+of those of fuller maturity, the practice in most of his own kind
+of turning aside, pressing their hands about their middle parts, and
+bending forward into a swollen attitude devoid of grace, on the spur of
+a sudden remembrance, and in the auspicious but undeniably embarrassing
+manner in which all the unfledged ones of the village clustered about
+his retiring footsteps, saluting him continually as one "James," upon
+whom had been conferred the gratifying title of "Sunny." Thus may the
+outline of the combat be recounted.
+
+From each opposing group eleven were chosen as a band, and we of our
+company putting on a robe of distinctive green (while they elected to
+be regarded as an assemblage of brown crickets), we presently came to a
+suitable spot where the trial was to be decided. So far this person
+had reasonably assumed that at a preconcerted signal the contest would
+begin, all rising into the air together, uttering cries of menace,
+bounding unceasingly and in every way displaying the dexterity of our
+proportions. Indeed, in the reasonableness of this expectation it cannot
+be a matter for reproach to one of the green grass-hoppers--who need not
+be further indicated--that he had already begun a well-simulated note
+of challenge to those around clad in brown, and to leap upwards in
+a preparatory essay, when the ever-alert Sir Philip took him
+affectionately by the arm, on the plea that the seclusion of a
+neighbouring pavilion afforded a desirable shade.
+
+Beyond that point it is difficult to convey an accurately grouped and
+fully spread-out design of the encounter. In itself the scheme and
+intention of counterfeiting the domestic life and rivalries of two
+opposing bands of insects was pleasantly conceived, and might have been
+carried out with harmonious precision, but, after the manner of these
+remote tribes, the original project had been overshadowed and the purity
+of the imagination lost beneath a mass of inconsistent detail. To
+this imperfection must it be laid that when at length this person was
+recalled from the obscurity of the pagoda and the alluring society of
+a maiden of the village, to whom he was endeavouring to expound the
+strategy of the game, and called upon to engage actively in it, he
+courteously admitted to those who led him forth that he had not the most
+shadowy-outlined idea of what was required of him.
+
+Nevertheless they bound about his legs a frilled armour, ingeniously
+fashioned to represent the ribbed leanness of the insect's shank,
+encased his hands and feet in covers to a like purpose, and pressing
+upon him a wooden club indicated that the time had come for him to
+prove his merit by venturing alone into the midst of the eleven brown
+adversaries who stood at a distance in poised and expectant attitudes.
+
+Assuredly, benignant one, this sport of contending locusts began, as one
+approached nearer to it, to wear no more pacific a face than if it had
+been a carnage of the hurl-headlong or the curved-hook varieties. In
+such a competition, it occurred to him, how little deference would be
+paid to this one's title of "Established Genius," or how inadequately
+would he be protected by his undoubted capacity of leaping upwards,
+and even in a sideway direction, for no matter how vigorously he
+might propel himself, or how successfully he might endeavour to remain
+self-sustained in the air, the ill-destined moment could not be long
+deferred when he must come down again into the midst of the eleven--all
+doubtless concealing weapons as massive and fatally-destructive as his
+own. This prospect, to a person of quiescent taste, whose chief
+delight lay in contemplating the philosophical subtleties of the higher
+Classics, was in itself devoid of glamour, but with what funereal
+pigments shall he describe his sinking emotions when one of his own
+band, approaching him as he went, whispered in his ear, "Look out at
+this end; they kick up like the very devil. And their man behind the
+wicket is really smart; if you give him half a chance he'll have
+your stumps down before you can say 'knife.'" Shorn of its uncouth
+familiarity, this was a charitable warning that they into whose
+stronghold I was turning my footsteps--perhaps first deceiving my
+alertness with a proffered friendship--would kick with the ferocity of
+untamed demons, and that one in particular, whose description, to my
+added despair, I was unable to retain, was known to possess a formidable
+knife, with which it was his intention to cut off this person's legs at
+the first opportunity, before he could be accused of the act. Truly, "To
+one whom he would utterly destroy Buddha sends a lucky dream."
+
+Behind lay the pagoda (though the fact that this one did admittedly turn
+round for a period need not be too critically dwelt upon), with three
+tiers of maidens, some already waving their hands as an encouraging
+token; on each side a barrier of prickly growth inopportunely presented
+itself, while in front the eleven kicking crickets stood waiting, and
+among them lurked the one grasping a doubly-edged blade of a highly
+proficient keenness.
+
+There are occasional moments in the life of a person when he as the
+inward perception of retiring for a few paces and looking back in order
+to consider his general appearance and to judge how he is situated
+with regard to himself, to review his past life in a spirit of judicial
+severity, to arrange definitely upon a future composed entirely of acts
+of benevolence, and to examine the working of destiny at large. In such
+a scrutiny I now began to understand that it would perhaps have been
+more harmonious to my love of contemplative repose if I had considered
+the disadvantages closer before venturing into this barbarian region,
+or, at least, if I had used the occasion profitably to advance an
+argument tending towards a somewhat fuller allowance of taels from your
+benevolent sleeve. Our own virtuous and flower-strewn land, it is true,
+does not possess an immunity from every trifling drawback. The Hoang
+Ho--to concede specifically the existence of some of these--frequently
+bursts through its restraining barriers and indiscriminately sweeps
+away all those who are so ill-advised as to dwell within reach of its
+malignant influence. From time to time wars and insurrections are found
+to be necessary, and no matter how morally-intentioned and humanely
+conducted, they necessarily result in the violation, dismemberment or
+extirpation of many thousand polite and dispassionate persons who have
+no concern with either side. Towns are repeatedly consumed by fire,
+districts scourged by leprosy, and provinces swept by famine. The storms
+are admittedly more fatal than elsewhere, the thunderbolts larger, more
+numerous, and all unerringly directed, while the extremities of heat and
+cold render life really uncongenial for the greater part of each year.
+The poor, having no money to secure justice, are evilly used, whereas
+the wealthy, having too much, are assailed legally by the gross
+and powerful for the purpose of extorting their riches. Robbers and
+assassins lurk in every cave; vast hoards of pirates blacken the surface
+of every river; and mandarins of the nine degrees must make a livelihood
+by some means or other. By day, therefore, it is inadvisable to go forth
+and encounter human beings, while none but the shallow-headed would risk
+a meeting with the countless demons and vampires which move by night. To
+one who has spent many moons among these foreign apparitions the absence
+of drains, roads, illustrated message-parchments, maidens whose voices
+may be heard protesting upon ringing a wire, loaves of conflicting
+dimensions, persons who strive to put their faces upon every
+advertisement, pens which emit fountains when carried in the pocket,
+a profusion of make-strong foods, and an Encyclopaedia Mongolia, may
+undoubtedly be mentioned as constituting a material deficiency. Affairs
+are not being altogether reputably conducted during the crisis; it can
+never be quite definitely asserted what the next action of the versatile
+and high-spirited Dowager Empress will be; and here it is freely
+contended that the Pure and Immortal Empire is incapable of remaining
+in one piece for much longer. These, and other inconveniences of a like
+nature, which the fastidious might distort into actual hardships, have
+never been denied, yet at no period of the nine thousand years of our
+civilisation has it been the custom to lure out the unwary, on the plea
+of an agreeable entertainment, and then to abandon him into the society
+of eleven club-bearing adversaries, one of whom may be depicted as in
+the act of imparting an unnecessary polish to the edge of his already
+preternaturally acute weapon, while those of his own band offer no
+protection, and three tiers of very richly-dressed maidens encourage him
+to his fate by refined gestures of approval.
+
+Doubtless this person had unconsciously allowed his inner meditations
+to carry him away, as it may be expressed, for when he emerged from this
+strain of reverie it was to discover himself in the chariot-road and--so
+incongruously may be the actions when the controlling intelligence is
+withdrawn--even proceeding at a somewhat undignified pace in a direction
+immediately opposed to an encounter with the brown locusts. From
+this mortifying position he was happily saved by emerging from these
+thought-dreams before it was too late to return, and, also, if the
+detail is not too insignificant to be related, by the fact that certain
+chosen runners from his own company had reached a point in the road
+before him, and now stood joining their outstretched arms across the
+passage and raising gravity-dispelling cries. Smiling acquiescently,
+therefore, this person returned in their midst, and receiving a new
+weapon, his own club having been absent-mindedly mislaid, he again set
+forth warily to the encounter.
+
+Yet in this he did not altogether neglect a discreet prudence. The
+sympathetic person to whom he was indebted for the pointed allusion had
+specifically declared that they who used their feet with the desperate
+savagery of baffled spectres guarded the nearer limits of their
+position, the intention of his timely hint assuredly being that I should
+seek to approach from the opposite end, where, doubtless, the more
+humane and conciliatory grass-hoppers were assembled. Thus guided I now
+set forth in a widely-circuitous direction, having the point where I
+meant to open an attack clearly before my eyes, yet seeking to deliver
+a more effective onslaught by reaching it to some extent unperceived and
+to this end creeping forward in the protecting shadow of the long grass
+and untrimmed herbage.
+
+Whether the one already referred to had incapably failed to express his
+real meaning, or whether he was tremulous by nature and inordinately
+self-deficient, concerns the narration less than the fact that he had
+admittedly produced a state of things largely in excess of the actual.
+There is no longer any serviceable pretext for maintaining that
+those guarding any point of their position were other than mild and
+benevolent, while the only edged weapon displayed was one courteously
+produced to aid this person's ineffectual struggles to extricate himself
+when, by some obscure movement, he had most ignobly entangled his
+pigtail about the claws of his sandal.
+
+Ignorant of this, the true state of things, I was still advancing subtly
+when one wearing the emblems of our band appeared from among the brown
+insects and came towards me. "Courage!" I exclaimed in a guarded tone,
+raising my head cautiously and rejoiced to find that I should not be
+alone. "Here is one clad in green bearing succour, who will, moreover,
+obstinately defend his stumps to the last extremity."
+
+"That's right," replied the opportune person agreeably; "we need a few
+like that. But do get up on your hind legs and come along, there's a
+good fellow. You can play at bears in the nursery when we get back, if
+you want."
+
+Certainly one can simulate the movements of wild animals in a
+market-garden if the impersonation is thought to be desirable, yet
+the reasonable analogy of the saying is elusive in the extreme, and
+I followed the ally who had thus betrayed my presence with a deep-set
+misgiving although in the absence of a more trustworthy guide, and in
+the suspicion that some point of my every ordinary strategy had been
+inept, I was compelled to mould myself identically into his advice.
+
+Scarcely had he left me, and I was endeavouring to dispel any idea of
+treachery towards those about by actions of graceful courtesy, when
+one--unworthy of burial--standing a score of paces distant, (to whom,
+indeed, this person was at the moment bowing with almost passionate
+vehemence, inspired by the conviction that he, for his part, was
+engaged in a like attention,) suddenly cast a missile--which, somewhat
+double-facedly, he had hitherto held concealed in his closed hand--with
+undeviating force and accuracy. So unexpected was the movement,
+so painfully-impressed the vindictive contact, that I should have
+instinctively seized the offensively-directed object and contemptuously
+hurled it back again, if the consequence of the blow had not deprived
+my mind of all retaliatory ambitions. In this emergency was manifested
+a magnanimous act worthy of the incense of a poem, for a person standing
+immediately by, seeing how this one was balanced in his emotions, picked
+up the missile, and although one of the foremost of the opposing band,
+very obligingly flung it back at the assailant. Even an outcast would
+not have passed this without a suitable tribute, and turning to him,
+I was remarking appreciatively that men were not divided by seas and
+wooden barriers, but by the unchecked and conflicting lusts of the mind,
+when the unclean and weed-nurtured traitor twenty paces distant, taking
+a degraded advantage from this person's attitude, again propelled his
+weapon with an even more concentrated perfidy than before. At this new
+outrage every brown cricket shrank from the attitude of alert vigour
+which hitherto he had maintained, and as though to disassociate
+themselves from the stain of complicity all crossed over and took up new
+positions.
+
+Up to this point, majestic head, in order to represent the adventure
+in its proper sequence, it has been advisable to present the details as
+they arose before the eyes of a reliable and dispassionate gazer. Now,
+however, it is no less seemly to declare that this barbarian sport
+of leaping insects is not so discreditably shallow as it had at first
+appeared, while in every action there may be found an apt but hidden
+symbol. Thus the presence of the two green locusts in the midst of
+others of a dissimilar nature represents the unending strife by which
+even the most pacific are ever surrounded. The fragile erection of
+sticks (behind which this person at first sought to defend himself
+until led into a more exposed position by one garbed in white,) may be
+regarded as the home and altar, and adequately depicts the hollowness
+of the protection it affords and the necessity of reliantly emerging to
+defy an invader rather than lurking discreditably among its recesses.
+The missile is the equivalent of a precise and immediate danger, the
+wooden club the natural instinct for defence with which all living
+creatures are endowed, so that when the peril is for the time driven
+away the opportunity is at hand for the display of virtuous amusements,
+the exchanging of hospitality, and the beating of professional drums as
+we would say. Thus, at the next attack the one sharing the enterprise
+with me struck the missile so proficiently that its recovery engaged the
+attention of all our adversaries, and then began to exhibit his powers
+by running and leaping towards me. Recognising that the actual moment of
+the display had arrived, this person at once emitted a penetrating cry
+of concentrated challenge, and also began to leap upwards and about,
+and with so much energy that the highly achieved limits of his flight
+surprised even himself.
+
+As for the bystanders, esteemed, those who opposed us, and the members
+of our own band, although this leaping sportiveness is a competition
+more regarded and practised among all orders than the pursuit of
+commercial eminence, or even than the allurements of the sublimest
+Classics, it may be truly imagined that never before had they witnessed
+so remarkable a game cricket. From the pagoda a loud cry of wonder
+acclaimed the dexterity of this person's efforts; the three tiers of
+maidens climbed one upon another in their anxiety to lose no detail of
+the adventure, and outstanders from distant points began to assemble.
+The brown enemy at once abandoned themselves to a panic, and for the
+most part cast themselves incapably to the ground, rolling from side to
+side in an access of emotion; the two arbiters clad in white conferred
+together, doubtless on the uselessness of further contest, while the
+ally who had summoned me to take a part instead of being encouraged to
+display his agility in a like manner continued to run slavishly from
+point to point, while I overcame the distances in a series of inspired
+bounds.
+
+In the meanwhile the sounds of encouragement from the ever-increasing
+multitude grew like the falling of a sudden coast storm among the ripe
+leaves of a tea-plantation, and with them the voices of many calling
+upon my name and inciting me to further and even higher achievements
+reached my ears. Not to grow small in the eyes of these estimable
+persons I continued in my flight, and abandoning all set movements and
+limits, I began to traverse the field in every direction, becoming more
+proficient with each effort, imparting to myself a sideway and even
+backward motion while yet in the upper spaces, remaining poised for an
+appreciable period, and lightly, yet with graceful ease, avoiding the
+embraces of those who would have detained me. Undoubtedly I could have
+maintained this supremacy until our band might justly have claimed the
+reward, had not the flattering cries of approval caused an indiscreet
+mistake, for the alarm being spread in the village that a conflagration
+of imposing ferocity was raging, an ornamental chariot conveying a band
+of warriors clad in brass armour presently entered into the strife, and
+discovering no fire to occupy their charitable energies they misguidedly
+honoured this offensive person by propelling a solid column of the
+purest and most refreshing water against his ignoble body when at the
+point of his highest flight. This introduction of a thunderbolt into the
+everyday life of an insect must be of questionable authenticity, yet
+not feeling sufficiently instructed in the lesser details of the
+sportiveness to challenge the device, I suffered myself to be led
+towards the pavilion with no more struggling than enough to remove the
+ignominy of an unresisting surrender, pleasantly remarking to those
+who bore me along that to a person of philosophical poise the written
+destiny was as apparent in the falling leaf as in the rising sun,
+pointing the saying thus: "Although the Desert of Shan-tz is boundless,
+and mankind number a million million, yet in it Li-hing encountered his
+mother-in-law." Changing to meet another of our company setting forth
+with a club to make the venture, I was permitted for a moment to
+engage him; whereupon thrusting into his hand a leather charm against
+ill-directed efforts, and instructing him to bind it about his head, I
+encouraged him with the imperishable watch-word of the Emperor Tsin Su,
+"The stars are indeed small, but their light carries as far as that of
+the full moon."
+
+At the steps of the pagoda so great was the throng of those who would
+have overwhelmed me with their gracious attention, that had not this
+person's neck become practically automatic by ceaseless use of late, he
+would have been utterly unequal to the emergency. As it was, he could
+only bestow a superficial hand-wave upon a company of gold-embroidered
+musicians who greeted his return with appropriate melody, and a glance
+of well-indicated regret that he had no fuller means of conveying his
+complicated emotions, in the direction of the uppermost tier of maidens.
+Then the awaiting Sir Philip took him firmly towards the inner part of
+the pavilion, and announced, so adroitly and with such high-spirited
+vigour had this one maintained the conflict, that it had been resolutely
+agreed on all sides not to make a test of his competence any further.
+
+Thereupon a band of very sumptuously arrayed nymphs drew near with
+offerings of liquid fat and a variety of crimson fruit, which it is
+customary to grind together on the platter--unapproachable in the
+result, certainly, yet incredibly elusive to the unwary in the manner of
+bruising, and practically ineradicable upon the more delicate shades
+of silk garment. In such a situation the one who is now relating the
+various incidents of the day may be imagined by a broad-minded and
+affectionate sire: partaking of this native fruit and oil, and from time
+to time expressing his insatiable anguish that he continually fails
+to become more proficient in controlling the oblique movements of the
+viands, while the less successful crickets are constrained to persevere
+in the combat, and the ever-present note of evasive purport is raised
+by a voice from behind a screen exclaiming, "Out afore? That he may have
+been, but do he think we was a-going to give he out afore? No, maaster,
+us doant a-have a circus every day hereabouts."
+
+Thus may this imagination of competitive locusts be set forth to
+the end. If a fuller proof of what an unostentatious self-effacement
+hesitates to enlarge upon were required, it might be found in the
+barbarian printed leaf, for the next day this person saw a public record
+of the strife, in which his own name was followed by a numerical emblem
+signifying that he had not stumbled or proved incompetent in any one
+particular. Sir Philip, I beheld with pained surprise, had obtusely
+suffered himself to be caught out in the committal of fifty-nine set
+offences.
+
+With a not unnatural anticipation that, as a result of this painstaking
+description, this person will find two well-equipped camps of contending
+locusts in Yuen-ping on his return.
+
+KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XII
+
+
+ Concerning the obvious misunderstanding which has entwined
+ itself about a revered parent's faculties of passionless
+ discrimination. The all-water disportment and the two, of
+ different sexes, who after regarding me conflictingly from
+ the beginning, ended in a like but inverted manner.
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE,--Your gem-adorned letter containing a thousand burnished
+words of profuse reproach has entered my diminished soul in the form
+of an equal number of rusty barbs. Can it be that the incapable
+person whom, as you truly say, you sent, "to observe the philosophical
+subtleties of the barbarians, to study their dynastical records and to
+associate liberally with the venerable and dignified," has, in your
+own unapproachable felicity of ceremonial expression, "according to
+a discreet whisper from many sources, chiefly affected the society of
+tea-house maidens, the immature of both sexes, doubtful characters of
+all classes, and criminals awaiting trial; has evinced an unswerving
+affinity towards light amusement and entertainments of a no-class kind;
+and in place of a wise aloofness, befitting a wearer of the third Gold
+Button and the Horn Belt-clasp, in situations of critical perplexity,
+seems by his own ingenuous showing to have maintained an unparalleled
+aptitude for behaving either with the crystalline simplicity of a
+Kan-su earth-tiller, or the misplaced buffoonery of a seventh-grade
+body-writher taking the least significant part in an ill-equipped Swatow
+one-cash Hall of Varied Melodies." Assuredly, if your striking and
+well-chosen metaphors were not more unbalanced than the ungainly
+attitude of a one-legged hunchback crossing a raging torrent by means
+of a slippery plank on a stormy night, they would cause the very acutest
+bitterness to the throat of a dutiful and always high-stepping son.
+There is an apt saying, however, "A quarrel between two soldiers in the
+market-place becomes a rebellion in the outskirts," and when this person
+remembers that many thousand li of mixed elements flow between him and
+his usually correct and dispassionate sire, he is impelled to take a
+mild and tolerant attitude towards the momentary injustice brought about
+by the weakness of approaching old age, the vile-intentioned mendacity
+of outcasts envious of the House of Kong, and, perchance, the irritation
+brought on by a too lavish indulgence in your favourite dish of stewed
+mouse.
+
+Having thus re-established himself in the clear-sighted affection of an
+ever mild and perfect father, and cleansed the ground of all possible
+misunderstandings in the future, this person will concede the fact that,
+not to stand beneath the faintest shadow of an implied blemish in your
+sympathetic eyes, he had no sooner understood the attitude in which he
+had been presented than he at once plunged into the virtuous society of
+a band of the sombre and benevolent.
+
+These, so far as his intelligence enables him to grasp the position,
+may be reasonably accepted as the barbarian equivalent of those very
+high-minded persons who in our land devote their whole lives secretly
+to killing others whom they consider the chief deities do not really
+approve of; for although they are not permitted here, either by written
+law or by accepted custom, to perform these meritorious actions, they
+are so intimately initiated into the minds and councils of the Upper
+Ones that they are able to pronounce very severe judgments of torture--a
+much heavier penalty than merely being assassinated--upon all who remain
+outside their league. As some of the most objurgatory of these alliances
+do not number more than a score of persons, it is inevitable that the
+ultimate condition of the whole barbarian people must be hazardous in
+the extreme.
+
+Having associated myself with this class sufficiently to escape their
+vindictive pronouncements, and freely professed an unswerving adherence
+to their rites, I next sought out the priests of other altars, intending
+by a seemly avowal to each in turn to safeguard my future existence
+effectually. This I soon discovered to be beyond the capacity of an
+ordinary lifetime, for whereas we, with four hundred million subjects
+find three religions to be sufficient to meet every emergency, these
+irresolute island children, although numbering us only as one to ten,
+vacillate among three hundred; and even amid this profusion it is
+asserted that most of the barbarians are unable to find any temple
+exactly conforming to their requirements, and after writing to the paper
+to announce the fact, abandon the search in despair.
+
+It was while I was becoming proficient in the inner subtleties of one
+of these orders--they who drink water on all occasions and wear a
+badge--that a maiden of some authority among them besought my aid for
+the purpose of amusing a band which she was desirous of propitiating
+into the adoption of this badge. It is possible that in the immature
+confidence of former letters this person may already have alluded to
+certain maidens with words of courteous esteem, but it is now necessary
+to admit finally that in the presence of this same Helena they would
+all appear as an uninviting growth of stunted and deformed poppies
+surrounding a luxuriant chrysanthemum. At the presumptuous thought of
+describing her illimitable excellences my fingers become claw-like in
+their confessed inadequacy to hold a sufficiently upright brush; yet
+without undue confidence it may be set down that her hands resembled the
+two wings of a mandarin drake in their symmetrical and changing motion,
+her hair as light and radiant-pointed as the translucent incense cloud
+floating before the golden Buddha of Shan-Si, thin white satin stretched
+tightly upon polished agate only faintly comparable to her jade cheeks,
+while her eyes were more unfathomable than the crystal waters of the
+Keng-kiang, and within their depths her pure and magnanimous thoughts
+could be dimly seen to glide like the gold and silver carp beneath the
+sacred river.
+
+When this insurpassable being approached me with the flattering
+petition already alluded to, my gratified emotions clashed together
+uncontrollably with the internal feeling of many volcanoes in movement,
+and my organs of expression became so entangled at the condescension of
+her melodious voice being directly addressed to one so degraded, that
+for several minutes I was incapable of further acquiescence than that
+conveyed by an adoring silence and an unchanging smile. No formality
+appeared worthy to greet her by, no expression of self-contempt
+sufficiently offensive to convey to her enlightenment my own sense of
+a manifold inferiority, and doubtless I should have remained in a
+transfixed attitude until she had at length turned aside, had not your
+seasonable reference to a Swatow limb-contorter struck me heavily and
+abruptly turned off the source of my agreement. Might not this all-water
+entertainment, it occurred to this one, consist in enticing him to drink
+a potion made unsuspectedly hot, in projecting him backwards into a vat
+of the same liquid, or some similar device for the pleasurable amusement
+of those around, which would come within the boundaries of your refined
+disapproval? As one by himself there was no indignity that this person
+would not cheerfully have submitted to, but the inexorable cords of an
+ingrained filial regard suddenly pulled him sideways and into another
+direction.
+
+"But, Mr. Kong," exclaimed the bee-lipped maiden, when I had explained
+(as being less involved to her imagination,) that I was under a vow,
+"we have been relying upon you. Could you not"--and here she dropped her
+eyes and picked them up again with a fluttering motion which our lesser
+ones are, to an all-wise end, quite unacquainted with--"could you not
+unvow yourself for one night, just to please ME?"
+
+At these words, the illuminated proficiency of her glance, and her
+honourable resolution to implicate me in the display by head or feet,
+the ever-revered image of a just and obedience-loving father ceased to
+have any further tangible influence. Let it be remembered that there
+is a deep saying, "A virtuous woman will cause more evil than ten river
+pirates." As for the person who is recording his incompetence, the room
+and all those about began to engulf him in an ever-increasing circular
+motion, his knees vibrated together with unrestrained pliancy, and
+concentrating his voice to indicate by the allegory some faint measure
+of his emotion, he replied passionately, "Let the amusement referred to
+take the form of sitting in a boiling cauldron exposed to the derision
+of all beholders, this one will now enter it wearing yellow silk
+trousers."
+
+It is characteristic of these illogical out-countries that the all-water
+diversion did not, as a matter to record, concern itself with that
+liquid in any detail, beyond the contents of a glass vessel from which a
+venerable person, who occupied a raised chair, continually partook. This
+discriminating individual spoke so confidently of the beneficial action
+of the fluid, and so unswervingly described my own feelings at the
+moment--as of head giddiness, an inexactitude of speech, and no clear
+definition of where the next step would be arrived at--as the common
+lot of all who did not consume regularly, that when that same Helena
+had passed on to speak to another, I left the hall unobserved and drank
+successive portions, in each case, as the night was cold, prudently
+adding a measure of the native rice spirit. His advice had been
+well-directed, for with the fourth portion I suddenly found all
+doubtful and oppressive visions withdrawn, and a new and exhilarating
+self-confidence raised in their place. In this agreeable temper I
+returned to the place of meeting to find a priest of one of the lesser
+orders relating a circumstance whereby he had encountered a wild maiden
+in the woods, who had steadfastly persisted that she was one of a
+band of seven (this being the luckiest protective number among the
+superstitious). Though unable to cause their appearance, she had gone
+through a most precise examination at his hands without deviating in the
+slightest particular, whereupon distrusting the outcome of the strife,
+the person who was relating the adventure had withdrawn breathless.
+
+When this versatile lesser priest had finished the narration, and
+the applause, which clearly showed that those present approved of the
+solitary maiden's discreet stratagem, had ceased, the one who occupied
+the central platform, rising, exclaimed loudly, "Mr. Kong will next
+favour us with a contribution, which will consist, I am informed, of a
+Chinese tale."
+
+Now there chanced to be present a certain one who had already become
+offensive to me by the systematic dexterity with which he had planted
+his inopportune shadow between the sublime-souled Helena and any other
+who made a movement to approach her heaven-dowered outline. When this
+presumptuous and ill-nurtured outcast, who was, indeed, then seated
+by the side of the enchanting maiden last referred to, heard the
+announcement he said in a voice feigned to reach her peach-skin ear
+alone, yet intentionally so modulated as to penetrate the furthest limit
+of the room, "A Chinese tale! Why, assuredly, that must be a pig-tail."
+At this unseemly shaft many of those present allowed themselves to
+become immoderately amused, and even the goat-like sage who had
+called upon my name concealed his face behind an open hand, but the
+amiably-disposed Helena, after looking at the undiscriminating youth
+coldly for a moment, deliberately rose and moved to a vacant spot at a
+distance. Encouraged by this fragrant act of sympathy I replied with a
+polite bow to indicate the position, "On the contrary, the story which
+it is now my presumptuous intention to relate will contain no reference
+whatever to the carefully-got-up one occupying two empty seats in the
+front row," and without further introduction began the history of Kao
+and his three brothers, to which I had added the title, "The Three
+Gifts."
+
+At the conclusion of this classical example of the snares ever lying
+around the footsteps of the impious, I perceived that the jocular
+stripling, whom I had so delicately reproved, was no longer present.
+Doubtless he had been unable to remain in the same room with the
+commanding Helena's high-spirited indignation, and anticipating that in
+consequence there would now be no obstacle to her full-faced benignity,
+I drew near with an appropriate smile.
+
+It is somewhere officially recorded, "There is only one man who knew
+with accurate certainty what a maiden's next attitude would be, and he
+died young of surprise." As I approached I had the sensation of passing
+into so severe an atmosphere of rigid disfavour, that the ingratiating
+lines upon my face became frozen in its intensity, despite the ineptness
+of their expression. Unable to penetrate the cause of my offence, I
+made a variety of agreeable remarks, until finding that nothing tended
+towards a becoming reconciliation, I gradually withdrew in despair, and
+again turned my face in the direction of that same accommodation which I
+had already found beneath the sign of an Encompassed Goat. Here, by the
+sarcasm of destiny, I encountered the person who had drawn the slighting
+analogy between this one's pig-tail and his ability as a story-teller.
+For a brief space of time the ultimate development of the venture
+was doubtfully poised, but recognising in each other's features the
+overhanging cloud of an allied pang, the one before me expressed a
+becoming contrition for the jest, together with a proffered cup. Not to
+appear out-classed I replied in a suitable vein, involving the supply
+of more vessels; whereupon there succeeded many more vessels, called for
+both singly and in harmonious unison, and the reappearance of numerous
+bright images, accompanied by a universal scintillation of meteor-like
+iridescence. In this genial and greatly-enlarged spirit we returned
+affably together to the hall, and entered unperceived at the moment when
+the one who made the announcements was crying aloud, "According to the
+programme the next item should have been a Chinese poem, but as Mr. Kong
+Ho appears to have left the building, we shall pass him over--"
+
+"What Ho?" exclaimed the somewhat impetuous one by my side, stepping
+forward indignantly and mounting the platform in his affectionate zeal.
+"No one shall pass over my old and valued friend--this Ho--while I have
+a paw to raise. Step forward, Mandarin, and let them behold the inventor
+and sole user of the justly far-famed G. R. Ko-Ho hair restorer--sent in
+five guinea bottles to any address on receipt of four penny stamps--as
+he appeared in his celebrated impersonation of the human-faced Swan at
+Doll and Edgar's. Come on, oh, Ho!"
+
+"Assuredly," I replied, striving to follow him, "yet with the wary
+greeting, 'Slowly, slowly; walk slowly,' engraved upon my mind, for the
+barrier of these convoluted stairs--" but at this word a band of maidens
+passed out hastily, and in the tumult I reached the dais and began
+Weng Chi's immortal verses, entitled "The Meandering Flight," which had
+occupied me three complete days and nights in the detail of rendering
+the allusions into well-balanced similitudes and at the same time
+preserving the skilful evasion of all conventional rules which raises
+the original to so sublime a height.
+
+ The voice of one singing at the dawn;
+ The seven harmonious colours in the sky;
+ The meeting by the fountain;
+ The exchange of gifts, and the sound of the processional drum;
+ The emotion of satisfaction in each created being;
+ This is the all-prominent indication of the Spring.
+
+ The general disinclination to engage in laborious tasks;
+ The general readiness to consume voluminous potions on any
+ pretext.
+ The deserted appearance of the city and the absence of the
+ come-in motion at every door;
+ The sportiveness of maidens, and even those of maturer age,
+ ethereally clad, upon the shore.
+ The avowed willingness of merchants to dispose of their wares
+ for half the original sum.
+ This undoubtedly is the Summer.
+
+ The yellow tea leaf circling as it falls;
+ The futile wheeling of the storm-tossed swan;
+ The note of the marble lute at evening by the pool;
+ The immobile cypress seen against the sun.
+ The unnecessarily difficult examination paper.
+ All these things are suggestive of the Autumn.
+
+ The growing attraction of a well-lined couch.
+ The obsequious demeanour of message-bearers, charioteers, and
+ the club-armed keepers of peace.
+ The explosion of innumerable fire-crackers round the convivial
+ shines,
+ The gathering together of relations who at all other times
+ shun each other markedly.
+ The obtrusive recollection of a great many things contrary to
+ a spoken vow, and the inflexible purpose to be more
+ resolute in future.
+ These in turn invariably attend each Winter.
+
+It certainly had not presented itself to me before that the words
+"invariably attend" are ill-chosen, but as I would have uttered them
+their inelegance became plain, and this person made eight conscientious
+attempts to soften down their harsh modulation by various interchanges.
+He was still persevering hopefully when he of chief authority approached
+and requested that the one who was thus employed and that same other
+would leave the hall tranquilly, as the all-water entertainment was
+at an end, and an attending slave was in readiness to extinguish the
+lanterns.
+
+"Yet," I protested unassumingly, "that which has so far been expressed
+is only in the semblance of an introductory ode. There follow--"
+
+"You must not argue with the Chair," exclaimed another interposing his
+voice. "Whatever the Chair rules must be accepted."
+
+"The innuendo is flat-witted," I replied with imperturbable dignity, but
+still retaining my hold upon the rail. "When this person so far loses
+his sense of proportion as to contend with an irrational object, devoid
+of faculties, let the barb be cast. After that introduction dealing with
+the four seasons, the twelve gong-strokes of the day are reviewed in a
+like fashion. These in turn give place to the days of the month, then
+the moons of the year, and finally the years of the cycle."
+
+"That's fair," exclaimed the perverse though well-meaning youth, whom I
+was beginning to recognise as the cause of some misunderstanding among
+us. "If you don't want any more of his poem--and I don't blame you--my
+pal Ho, who is one of the popular Flip-Flap Troupe, offers to do some
+trick cycle-riding on his ears. What more can you expect?"
+
+"We expect a policeman very soon," replied another severely. "He has
+already been sent for."
+
+"In that case," said the one who had so persistently claimed me as
+an ally, "perhaps I can do you a service by directing him here"; and
+leaving this person to extricate himself by means of a reassuring
+silence and some of the larger silver pieces of the Island, he vanished
+hastily.
+
+With some doubt whether or not this deviation into the society of the
+professedly virtuous, ending as it admittedly does in an involvement,
+may not be deemed ill-starred; yet hopeful.
+
+KONG HO.
+
+
+ THE THREE GIFTS
+
+ Related by Kong Ho on the occasion of the all-water
+ disportment, under the circumstances previously set forth.
+
+BEYOND the limits of the township of Yang-chow there dwelt a rich
+astrologer named Wei. Reading by his skilful interpretation of the
+planets that he would shortly Pass Above, he called his sons Chu, Shan,
+and Hing to his side and distributed his wealth impartially among them.
+To Chu he gave his house containing a gold couch; to Shan a river with
+a boat; to Hing a field in which grew a prolific orange-tree. "Thus
+provided for," he continued, "you will be able to live together in
+comfort, the resources of each supplying the wants of the others in
+addition to his own requirements. Therefore when I have departed let it
+be your first care to sacrifice everything else I leave, so that I also,
+in the Upper Air, may not be left destitute."
+
+Now in addition to these three sons Wei also had another, the youngest,
+but one of so docile, respectful, and self-effacing a disposition that
+he was frequently overlooked to the advantage of his subtle, ambitious,
+and ingratiating brothers. This youth, Kao, thinking that the occasion
+certainly called for a momentary relaxation of his usual diffidence,
+now approached his father modestly, and begged that he also might be
+included to some trivial degree in his bounty.
+
+This reasonable petition involved Wei in an embarrassing perplexity.
+Although he had forgotten Kao completely in the division, he had now
+definitely concluded the arrangement; nor, to his failing powers, did it
+appear possible to make a just allotment on any other lines. "How can a
+person profitably cut up an orange-tree, a boat, an inlaid couch, or
+a house?" he demanded. "Who can divide a flowing river, or what but
+unending strife can arise from regarding an open field in anything
+but its entirety? Assuredly six cohesive objects cannot be apportioned
+between four persons." Yet he could not evade the justice of Kao's
+implied rebuke, so drawing to his side a jade cabinet he opened it, and
+from among the contents he selected an ebony staff, a paper umbrella,
+and a fan inscribed with a mystical sentence. These three objects he
+placed in Kao's hands, and with his last breath signified that he should
+use them discreetly as the necessity arose.
+
+When the funeral ceremonies were over, Chu, Shan, and Hing came
+together, and soon moulded their covetous thoughts into an agreed
+conspiracy. "Of what avail would be a boat or a river if this person
+sacrificed the nets and appliances by which the fish are ensnared?"
+asked Shan. "How little profit would lie in an orange-tree and a field
+without cattle and the implements of husbandry!" cried Hing. "One cannot
+occupy a gold couch in an empty house both by day and night," remarked
+Chu stubbornly. "How inadequate, therefore, would such a provision be
+for three."
+
+When Kao understood that his three brothers had resolved to act in this
+outrageous manner he did not hesitate to reproach them; but not being
+able to contend against him honourably, they met him with ridicule.
+"Do not attempt to rule us with your wooden staff," they cried
+contemptuously. "Sacrifice IT if your inside is really sincere. And,
+in the meanwhile, go and sit under your paper umbrella and wield
+your inscribed fan, while we attend to our couch, our boat, and our
+orange-tree."
+
+"Truly," thought Kao to himself when they had departed, "their words
+were irrationally offensive, but among them there may stand out a
+pointed edge. Our magnanimous father is now bereft of both comforts
+and necessities, and although an ebony rod is certainly not much in the
+circumstances, if this person is really humanely-intentioned he will not
+withhold it." With this charitable design Kao build a fire before the
+couch (being desirous, out of his forgiving nature, to associate his
+eldest brother in the offering), and without hesitation sacrificed the
+most substantial of his three possessions.
+
+It here becomes necessary to explain that in addition to being an expert
+astrologer, Wei was a far-seeing magician. The rod of unimpressionable
+solidity was in reality a charm against decay, and its hidden virtues
+being thus destroyed, a contrary state of things naturally arose, so
+that the next morning it was found that during the night the gold couch
+had crumbled away into a worthless dust.
+
+Even this manifestation did not move the three brothers, although the
+geniality of Shan and Hing's countenances froze somewhat towards Chu.
+Nevertheless Chu still possessed a house, and by pointing out that they
+could live as luxuriantly as before on the resources of the river and
+the field and the tree, he succeeded in maintaining his position among
+them.
+
+After seven days Kao reflected again. "This avaricious person still has
+two objects, both of which he owes to his revered father's imperishable
+influence," he admitted conscience-stricken, "while the being in
+question has only one." Without delay he took the paper umbrella and
+ceremoniously burned it, scattering the ashes this time upon Shan's
+river. Like the rod the umbrella also possessed secret virtues, its
+particular excellence being a curse against clouds, wind demons,
+thunderbolts and the like, so that during the night a great storm raged,
+and by the morning Shan's boat had been washed away.
+
+This new calamity found the three brothers more obstinately perverse
+than ever. It cannot be denied that Hing would have withdrawn from the
+guilty confederacy, but they were as two to one, and prevailed, pointing
+out that the house still afforded shelter, the river yielded some of the
+simpler and inferior fish which could be captured from the banks, and
+the fruitfulness of the orange-tree was undiminished.
+
+At the end of seven more days Kao became afflicted with doubt. "There is
+no such thing as a fixed proportion or a set reckoning between a dutiful
+son and an embarrassed sire," he confessed penitently. "How incredibly
+profane has been this person's behaviour in not seeing the obligation in
+its unswerving necessity before." With this scrupulous resolve Kao took
+his last possession, and carrying it into the field he consumed it
+with fire beneath Hing's orange-tree. The fan, in turn, also had hidden
+properties, its written sentence being a spell against drought, hot
+winds, and the demons which suck the nourishment from all crops. In
+consequence of the act these forces were called into action, and before
+another day Hing's tree had withered away.
+
+It is said with reason, "During the earthquake men speak the truth." At
+this last disaster the impious fortitude of the three brothers suddenly
+gave way, and cheerfully admitting their mistake, each committed
+suicide, Chu disembowelling himself among the ashes of his couch, Shan
+sinking beneath the waters of his river, and Hing hanging by a rope
+among the branches of his own effete orange-tree.
+
+When they had thus fittingly atoned for their faults the imprecation was
+lifted from off their possessions. The couch was restored by magic
+art to its former condition, the boat was returned by a justice-loving
+person into whose hands it had fallen lower down the river, and
+the orange-tree put out new branches. Kao therefore passed into an
+undiminished inheritance. He married three wives, to commemorate the
+number of his brothers, and had three sons, whom he called Chu, Shan,
+and Hing, for a like purpose. These three all attained to high office in
+the State, and by their enlightened morals succeeded in wiping all the
+discreditable references to others bearing the same names from off the
+domestic tablets.
+
+From this story it will be seen that by acting virtuously, yet with an
+observing discretion, on all occasions, it is generally possible not
+only to rise to an assured position, but at the same time unsuspectedly
+to involve those who stand in our way in a just destruction.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XIII
+
+
+ Concerning a state of necessity; the arisings engendered
+ thereby, and the turned-away face of those ruling the
+ literary quarter of the city towards one possessing a style.
+ This foreign manner of feigning representations, and
+ concerning my dignified portrayal of two.
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE,--It is now more than three thousand years ago that the
+sublime moralist Tcheng How, on being condemned by a resentful official
+to a lengthy imprisonment in a very inadequate oil jar, imperturbably
+replied, "As the snail fits his impliant shell, so can the wise adapt
+themselves to any necessity," and at once coiled himself up in the
+restricted space with unsuspected agility. In times of adversity this
+incomparable reply has often shone as a steadfast lantern before my
+feet, but recently it struck my senses with a heavier force, for
+upon presenting myself on the last occasion at the place of exchange
+frequented by those who hitherto have carried out your spoken promise
+with obliging exactitude, and at certain stated intervals freely granted
+to this person a sufficiency of pieces of gold, merely requiring
+in return an inscribed and signet-bearing record of the fact, I was
+received with no diminution of sympathetic urbanity, indeed, but with
+hands quite devoid of outstretched fulness.
+
+In a small inner chamber, to which I was led upon uttering courteous
+protests, one of solitary authority explained how the deficiency had
+arisen, but owing to the skill with which he entwined the most intricate
+terms in unbroken fluency, the only impression left upon my superficial
+mind was, that the person before me was imputing the scheme for
+my despoilment less to any mercenary instinct on the part of his
+confederates, than to a want of timely precision maintained by one who
+seemed to bear an agreeable-sounding name somewhat similar to your own,
+and who, from the difficulty of reaching his immediate ear, might be
+regarded as dwelling in a distant land. Encouraged by this conciliatory
+profession (and seeing no likelihood of gaining my end otherwise), I
+thereupon declared my willingness that the difference lying between us
+should be submitted to the pronouncement of dispassionate omens, either
+passing birds, flat and round sticks, the seeds of two oranges, wood and
+fire, water poured out upon the ground or any equally reliable sign as
+he himself might decide. However, in spite of his honourable assurances,
+he was doubtless more deeply implicated in the adventure than he
+would admit, for at this scrupulous proposal the benignant mask of his
+expression receded abruptly, and, striking a hidden bell, he waved his
+hands and stood up to signify that further justice was denied me.
+
+In this manner a state of destitution calling for the fullest acceptance
+of Tcheng How's impassive philosophy was created, nor had many
+hours faded before the first insidious temptation to depart from his
+uncompromising acquiescence presented itself.
+
+At that time there was no one in whom I reposed a larger-sized piece
+of confidence (in no way involving sums of money,) than one officially
+styled William Beveledge Greyson, although, profiting by our own custom,
+it is unusual for those really intimate with his society to address him
+fully, unless the occasion should be one of marked ceremony. Forming a
+resolution, I now approached this obliging person, and revealing to him
+the cause of the emergency, I prayed that he would advise me, as one
+abandoned on a strange Island, by what handicraft or exercise of skill I
+might the readiest secure for the time a frugal competence.
+
+"Why, look here, aged man," at once replied the lavish William Greyson,
+"don't worry yourself about that. I can easily let you have a few pounds
+to tide you over. You will probably hear from the bank in the course
+of a few days or weeks, and it's hardly worth while doing anything
+eccentric in the meantime."
+
+At this delicately-worded proposal I was about to shake hands with
+myself in agreement, when the memory of Tcheng How's resolute submission
+again possessed me, and seeing that this would be an unworthy betrayal
+of destiny I turned aside the action, and replying evasively that the
+world was too small to hold himself and another equally magnanimous, I
+again sought his advice.
+
+"Now what silly upside-down idea is it that you've got into that Chinese
+puzzle you call your head, Kong?" he replied; for this same William was
+one who habitually gilded unpalatable truths into the semblance of
+a flattering jest. "Whenever you turn off what you are saying into
+a willow-pattern compliment and bow seventeen times like an animated
+mandarin, I know that you are keeping something back. Be a man and
+a brother, and out with it," and he struck me heavily upon the left
+shoulder, which among the barbarians is a proof of cordiality to be
+esteemed much above the mere wagging of each other's hands.
+
+"In the matter of guidance," I replied, "this person is ready to sit
+unreservedly on your well-polished feet. But touching the borrowing of
+money, obligations to restore with an added sum after a certain period,
+initial-bearing papers of doubtful import, and the like, I have read too
+deeply the pointed records of your own printed sheets not to prefer
+an existence devoted to the scraping together of dust at the street
+corners, rather than a momentary affluence which in the end would betray
+me into the tiger-like voracity of a native money-lender."
+
+"Well, you do me proud, Kong," said William Beveledge, after regarding
+me fixedly for a moment. "If I didn't remember that you are a
+flat-faced, slant-eyed, top-side-under, pig-tailed old heathen, I should
+be really annoyed at your unwarrantable personalities. Do you take ME
+for what you call a 'native money-lender'?"
+
+"The pronouncements of destiny are written in iron," I replied
+inoffensively, "and it is as truly said that one fated to end his life
+in a cave cannot live for ever on the top of a pagoda. Undoubtedly as
+one born and residing here you are native, and as inexorably it succeeds
+that if you lend me pieces of gold you become a money-lender. Therefore,
+though honourably inspired at the first, you would equally be drawn into
+the entanglement of circumstance, and the unevadible end must inevitably
+be that against which your printed papers consistently warn one."
+
+"And what is that?" asked Beveledge Greyson, still regarding me closely,
+as though I were a creature of another part.
+
+"At first," I replied, "there would be an alluring snare of graceful
+words, tea, and the consuming of paper-rolled herbs, and the matter
+would be lightly spoken of as capable of an easy adjustment; which,
+indeed, it cannot be denied, is how the detail stands at present. The
+next position would be that this person, finding himself unable to
+gather together the equivalent of return within the stated time, would
+greet you with a very supple neck and pray for a further extension,
+which would be permitted on the understanding that in the event of
+failure his garments and personal charms should be held in bondage. To
+escape so humiliating a necessity, as the time drew near I would address
+myself to another, one calling himself William, perchance, and dwelling
+in a northern province, to whom I would be compelled to assign my
+peach-orchard at Yuen-ping. Then by varying degrees of infamy I would
+in turn be driven to visit a certain Bevel of the Middle Lands, a person
+Edge carrying on his insatiable traffic on the southern coast, one Grey
+elsewhere, and a Mr. Son, of the west, who might make an honourable
+profession of lending money without any security whatever, but who in
+the end would possess himself of my ancestral tablets, wives, and inlaid
+coffin, and probably also obtain a lien upon my services and prosperity
+in the Upper Air. Then, when I had parted from all comfort in this
+life, and every hope of affluence in the Beyond, it would presently
+be disclosed that all these were in reality as one person who had
+unceasingly plotted to my destruction, and William Beveledge Greyson
+would stand revealed in the guise of a malevolent vampire. Truly that
+development has at this moment an appearance of unreality, and worthy
+even of pooh-pooh, but thus is the warning spread by your own printed
+papers and the records of your Halls of Justice, and it would be an
+unseemly presumption for one of my immature experience to ignore the
+outstretched and warning finger of authority."
+
+"Well, Kong," he said at length, after considering my words attentively,
+"I always thought that your mental outlook was a hash of Black Art,
+paper lanterns, blank verse, twilight, and delirium tremens, but hang me
+if you aren't sound on finance, and I only wish that you'd get some of
+my friends to look at the matter of borrowing in your own reasonable,
+broad-minded light. The question is, what next?"
+
+I replied that I leaned heavily against his sagacious insight, adding,
+however, that even among a nation of barbarians one who could repeat
+the three hundred and eleven poems comprising the Book of Odes from
+beginning to end, and claim the degree "Assured Genius" would ever be
+certain of a place.
+
+"Yes," replied William Greyson,--"in the workhouse. Put your degree in
+your inside pocket, Kong, and don't mention it. You'll have far more
+chance as a distressed mariner. The casual wards are full of B.A.'s,
+but the navy can't get enough A.B.'s at any price. What do you say to
+an organ, by the way? Mysterious musicians generally go down well, and
+I dare say there's room for a change from veiled ladies, persecuted
+captains and indigent earls. You ought to make a sensation."
+
+"Is it in the nature of melodious sounds upon winding a handle?" I
+asked, not at the moment grasping with certainty to what organ he
+referred.
+
+"Well, some call them that," he admitted, "others don't. I suppose, now,
+you wouldn't care to walk to Brighton with your feet tied together,
+or your hair in curl papers, and then get on at a music hall? Or would
+there be any chance of your Legation kidnapping you if it was properly
+worked? 'Kong Ho, the great Chinese Reformer, tells the Story of his
+Life,'--there ought to be money in it. Are you a reformer or the leader
+of a secret society, Kong?"
+
+"On the contrary," I replied, "we of our Line have ever been unflinching
+in our loyalty to the dynasty of Tsing."
+
+"You ought to have known better, then. It's a poor business being that
+in your country nowadays. Pity there are no bye-elections on the African
+Labour Question, or you'd be snapped up for a procession."
+
+To this I replied that although the idea of moving in a processional
+triumph would readily ensnare the minds of the light and fantastic, I
+should prefer some more literary occupation, submissively adding that in
+such a case I would not stiffen my joints against the most menial lot,
+even that of blending my voice in a laudatory chorus, or of carrying
+official pronouncements about the walls of the city, for it is said with
+justice, "The starving man does not peel his melon, nor do the parched
+first wipe round the edges of the proffered cup."
+
+"If you've set your mind on something literary," said Beveledge
+confidently, "you have every chance of finishing up in a chorus or
+carrying printed placards about the streets, certainly. When it comes
+to that, look me up in Eastcheap." With this encouraging assurance of
+my ultimate success he left me, and rejoicing that I had not fallen into
+the snare of opposing a written destiny, I sought the literary quarters
+of the city.
+
+When this person has been able to write of any custom or facet of
+existence here in a strain of conscientious esteem, he has not hesitated
+to dip his brush deeply into the inkpot. Reverting backwards, this
+barbarian enactment of not permitting those who from any cause have
+decided upon spending the night in a philosophical abstraction to repose
+upon the public seats about the swards and open spaces is not conceived
+in a mood of affable toleration. Nevertheless there are deserted places
+beyond the furthest limits of the city where a more amiable full-face
+is shown. On the eleventh day of this one's determination to sustain
+himself by the exercise of his literary style, he was journeying about
+sunset towards one of these spots, subduing the grosser instincts of
+mankind by reviewing the wisdom of the sublime Lao Ch'un, who decided
+that heat and cold, pain and fatigue, and mental distress, have no real
+existence, and are therefore amenable to logical disproof, while the
+cravings of hunger and thirst are merely the superfluous attributes of
+a former and lower state of existence, when a passer-by, who for some
+distance had been alternately advancing before and remaining behind,
+matched his footsteps into mine.
+
+"Whichee way walk-go, John, eh?" said this unfortunate being, who
+appeared to be suffering from a laborious deformity of speech. "Allee
+samee load me. Chin-chin."
+
+Filled with compassion for one who evidently found himself alone in a
+strange land, in the absence of his more highly-accomplished companion,
+unable to indicate his wants and requirements to those about him, I
+regretfully admitted that I had not chanced to encounter that John
+whose wandering footsteps he sought; and to indicate, by not leaving him
+abruptly, that I maintained a sympathetic concern over his welfare, I
+pointed out to him the exceptional brilliance of the approaching night,
+adding that I myself was then directing a course towards a certain
+spacious Heath, a few li distant in the north.
+
+"Sing-dance tomollow, then?" he said, with a condensed air of general
+disappointment. "Chop-chop in a pay look-see show on Ham--Hamstl--oh
+damme! on 'Ampstead 'Eath? Booked up, eh, John?"
+
+Gradually convinced that it was becoming necessary to readjust the
+significance of the incident, I replied that I had no intention of
+partaking of chops or food of any variety in an erected tent, but merely
+of passing the night in an intellectual seclusion.
+
+"Oh," said the one who was walking by my side, regarding my garments
+with engaging attention, and at the same time appearing to regain an
+unruffled speech as though the other had been an assumed device, "I
+understand--the Blue Sky Hotel. Well, I've stayed there once or twice
+myself. A bit down on your uppers, eh?"
+
+"Assuredly this person may perchance lay his upper parts down for a
+short space of time," I admitted, when I had traced out the symbolism of
+the words. "As it is humanely written in The Books, 'Sleep and suicide
+are the free refuges equally of the innocent and the guilty.'"
+
+"Oh, come now, don't," exclaimed the energetic person, striking himself
+together by means of his two hands. "It's sinful to talk about suicide
+the day before bank holiday. Why, my only Somali warrior has vamoosed
+with his full make-up, and the Magnetic Girl too, and I never thought of
+suicide--only whether to turn my old woman into a Veiled Beauty of the
+Harem or a Hairy Lama from Tibet."
+
+Not absolutely grasping the emergency, yet in a spirit of inoffensive
+cordiality I remarked that the alternative was insufferably perplexing,
+while he continued.
+
+"Then I spotted you, and in a flash I got an idea that ought to take and
+turn out really great if you'll come in. Now follow this: Missionary's
+tent in the wilds of Pekin. Domestic interior by lamp-light. Missionary
+(me) reading evening paper; missionary's wife (the missus) making tea,
+and between times singing to keep the small pet goat quiet (small goat,
+a pillow, horsecloth, and pocket-handkerchief). Breaks down singing,
+sobs, and says she feels a strange all-over presentiment. Missionary
+admits being a bit fluffed himself, and lets out about a notice signed
+in blood that he's seen in the city."
+
+"Carried upon a pole?" this person demanded, feeling that something of a
+literary nature might yet be wrested into the incident.
+
+"On a flagstaff if you like," conceded the other one magnanimously. "A
+notice to the effect that it is the duty of every jack mother's son of
+them to douse the foreign devils, man, woman, and child, and especially
+the talk-book pass-hat-round men. Also that he has had several
+brick-ends heaved at him on his way back. Then stops suddenly, hits
+his upper crust, and says that it's like his blamed fat-headedness
+to frighten her; while she clutches at herself three times and faints
+away."
+
+"Amid the voluminous burning of blue lights?" suggested this person
+resourcefully.
+
+"By rights there should be," admitted the one who was devising the
+representation; "but it will hardly run to it. Anyway, it costs nothing
+to turn the lamp down--saves a bit in fact, and gives an effect. Then
+outside, in the distance at first you understand, you begin to work up
+the sound of the advancing mob--rattles, shouts, tum-tums, groans, tin
+plates and all that one mortal man can do with hands, feet and mouth."
+
+"With the interspersal of an occasional cracker and the stirring notes
+produced by striking a hollow wooden fish repeatedly?" I cried; for let
+it be confessed that amid the portrayal of the scene my imagination had
+taken an allotted part.
+
+"If you like to provide them, and don't set the bally show on fire," he
+replied. "Anyhow, these two aren't supposed to notice anything even when
+the row gets louder. Then it drops and you are heard outside talking in
+whispers to the others--words of command and telling them to keep back
+half-a-mo, and so on. See?"
+
+"Doubtless introducing a spoken charm and repeating the words of an
+incantation against omens, treachery, and other matters."
+
+"Next a flap of the tent down on the floor is raised, and you
+reconnoitre, looking your very worst and holding a knife between your
+teeth and another in each hand. Wave a hand to your followers to keep
+back--or come on: it makes no difference. Then you crawl in on your
+stomach, give a terrific howl, and stab me in the back. That rolls
+me under the curtain, and so lets me out. The missus ups with the
+wood-chopper and stands before the cradle, while you yell and dance
+round with the knives. That ought to be made 'the moment' of the whole
+piece. The great thing is to make enough noise. If you can yell louder
+than the talking-machine outfit on the next pitch we ought to turn money
+away. While you are at it I start a fresh row outside--shouts, cheers,
+groans, words of command and a paper bag or two. Seeing that the game
+is up you make a rush at the old woman; she downs you with the chopper,
+turns the lamp up full, shakes out a Union Jack over the sleeping
+infant, and finally stands in her finest attitude with one hand pointing
+impressively upwards and the other contemptuously downwards just as Rule
+Britannia is played on the cornet outside and I appear at the door in a
+general's full uniform and let down the curtain."
+
+For acting in the manner designated--as touching the noises both inside
+and out, the set dance with upraised knives, the casting to earth of
+himself, and being myself in turn vanquished by the aged female, with
+an added compact that from time to time I should be led by a chain
+and shown to the people from a raised platform--we agreed upon a daily
+reward of two pieces of silver, an adequacy of food, and a certain
+ambiguously-referred-to share of the gain. It need not be denied that
+with so favourable an opportunity of introducing passages from the
+Classics a much less sum would have been accepted, but having obtained
+this without a struggle, the one now recounting the facts raised the
+opportune suggestion of an inscribed placard, in order to fulfil the
+portent foreshadowed by William Greyson.
+
+"Oh, we'll star you, never fear," assented the accommodating personage,
+and having by this time reached that spot upon the Heath where his
+Domestic Altar had been raised, we entered.
+
+"All the most distinguished actors in this country take another
+name," he said reflectively, when he had drawn forth a parchment of
+praiseworthy dimensions and ink of three colours, "and though I have
+nothing to say against Kong Ho Tsin Cheng Quank Paik T'chun Li Yuen
+Nung for quiet unostentatious dignity, it doesn't have just the grip
+and shudder that we want. Now how does 'Fang' strike you?" and upon my
+courteous acquiescence that this indeed united within it those qualities
+which he required, he traced its characters in red ink upon a lavish
+scale.
+
+"'Fang Hung Sin' about fits the idea of snap and bloodthirstiness, I
+should say," he continued, and using the brush and all the colours
+with an expert proficiency which would infallibly gain him an early
+recognition at any of our competitive examinations, he presently laid
+before me the following gracefully-composed notice, which was suspended
+from a conspicuous pole about the door of the tent on the following day.
+
+ FANG HUNG SIN
+ The Captured Boxer Chieftain.
+
+ Under a strong guard, and by arrangement with the British and
+ Chinese authorities concerned,
+
+ Fang Hung Sin
+
+ Will positively re-enact the GORY SCENES of CARNAGE in which
+ he took a LEADING and SANGUINARY PART during the LATE RISING.
+
+ ALONE IN PEKIN
+ Or, What a Woman can do.
+
+ PANEL I. PEACE: The Missionary's Tent by Night--All's Well--
+ The Dread Warning--"I am by your side, Beloved."
+
+ PANEL II. ALARM: The Signal--The Spy--The Mob Outside--
+ Treachery--"Save Yourself, my Darling"--"And Leave
+ You? Never!"
+
+ PANEL III. REVENGE: The Attack--The Blow Falls--Who Can Save
+ Her Now?--"Back, Renegade Viper!"--The English Guns
+ --"Rule Britannia!"
+
+ FANG HUNG SIN, The Desperado.
+ There is only one FANG, and he must be seen.
+ FANG! FANG!! FANG!!!
+
+I will not upon this occasion, esteemed one, delay myself with an
+account of this barbarian Festival of Lanterns; or, as their language
+would convey it, Feast of Cocoa-nuts, beyond admitting that with
+the possible exception of an important provincial capital during the
+triennial examinations I doubt whether our own unapproachable Empire
+could show a more impressively-extended gathering, either in the diverse
+and ornamental efflorescence of head garb, in the affectionate display
+openly lavished by persons of one sex towards those of the other, or
+even one more successful in our own pre-eminent art of producing the
+multitudinous harmony of conflicting sounds.
+
+At the appointed hour this person submitted himself to be heavily
+shackled, and being led out before the assembled crowd, endeavoured by
+a smiling benignity of manner and by reassuring signs of welcome, to
+produce a favourable impression upon their sympathies and to allure
+them within. This pacific face was undoubtedly successful, however
+offensively the ill-conditioned one who stood by was inspired to express
+himself behind his teeth, for the space of the tent was very quickly
+occupied and the actions of simulation were to begin.
+
+Without doubt it might have been better if this person had first made
+himself more fully acquainted with the barbarian manner of acting. The
+fact that this imagined play, which even in one of our inferior theatres
+would have filled the time pleasantly for two or three months, was to
+be compressed into the narrow limits of seven minutes and a half, should
+reasonably have warned him that amid the ensuing rapidity of word and
+action, most of the leisurely courtesies and all the subtle range of
+concealed emotion which embellish our own wood pavement must be ignored.
+But it is well and suggestively written, "The person who deliberates
+sufficiently before taking every step will spend his life standing
+upon one leg." In the past this one had not found himself to be grossly
+inadequate on any arising emergency, and he now drew aside the hanging
+drapery and prepared to carry out a preconcerted part with intrepid
+self-reliance.
+
+It has already been expressed, that the reason and incentive urging me
+to a ready agreement lay in the opportunities by which suitable passages
+from the high Classics could be discreetly woven into the fabric of the
+plot, and the occupation thereby permeated with an honourable literary
+flavour. In accordance with this resolve I blended together many
+imperishable sayings of the wisest philosophers to present the cries and
+turmoil of the approaching mob, but it was not until I protruded my
+head beneath the hanging canopy in the guise of one observing that an
+opportunity arose of a really well-sustained effort. In this position I
+recited Yung Ki's stimulating address to his troops when in sight of an
+overwhelming foe, and, in spite of the continually back-thrust foot
+of the undiscriminating one before me, I successfully accomplished the
+seventy-five lines of the poem without a stumble. Then entering fully,
+with many deprecatory bows and expressions of self-abasement at taking
+part in so seemingly detestable an action, I treacherously, yet with
+inoffensive tact, struck the one wearing an all-round collar delicately
+upon the back. Not recognising the movement, or being in some other way
+obtuse, the person in question instead of sinking to the ground turned
+hastily to me in the form of an inquiry, leaving me no other reasonable
+course than to display the knife openly to him, and to assure him that
+the fatal blow had already been inflicted. Undoubtedly his immoderate
+retorts were inept at such a moment, nor was his ensuing strategy of
+turning completely round three times, striking himself about the head
+and body, and uttering ceremonious curses before he fell devoid of
+life--as though the earlier remarks had been part of the ordained
+scheme--to any degree convincing, and the cries of disapproval from the
+onlookers proved that they also regarded this one as the victim of an
+unworthy rebuke.
+
+"Not if the benches were filled at half a guinea a head would I take
+on another performance like that," exclaimed the one with whom I was
+associated, when it was over. "Besides the dead loss of lasting three
+quarters of an hour it's tempting providence when the seats are movable.
+I suppose it isn't your fault, Kong, you poor creature, but you haven't
+got no glare and glitter. There's only one thing for it: you must be the
+Rev. Mr. Walker and I'll take Fang." He then robed himself in my attire,
+guided me among the intricacies of the all-round collar and outer
+garments in exchange, hung a slender rope about his back, and after
+completing the artifice by a skilful device of massing coloured inks
+upon our faces, he commanded me to lead him out by a chain and observe
+intelligently how a captive Boxer chief should disport himself.
+
+No sooner had we reached the platform than the one whom I controlled
+leapt high into the air, dragged me to the edge of the erection, showed
+his teeth towards the assembly and waved his arms menacingly at them;
+then turning upon this person, he inflamed his face with passion,
+rattled his chain furiously, and uttered such vengeance-laden cries
+that, unable to subdue the emotion of fear, I abandoned all pretence,
+and dropping the chain, fled to the furthest recess of the tent,
+followed by the still threatening Fang.
+
+There is an expression among us, "Cheng-hu was too considerate: he tried
+to drive nails with a cucumber." Cheng-hu would certainly have quickly
+found the necessity of a weapon of three-times hardened steel if he had
+lived among these barbarians, who are insensible to the higher forms of
+politeness, in addition to acting in a contrary and illogical manner
+on all occasions. Instead of being repelled and discouraged by Fang's
+outrageous behaviour, they clamoured to be admitted into the tent more
+vehemently than before, and so successfully established the venture that
+the one to whom I must now allude throughout as Fang signified to me his
+covetous intention of reducing the performance by a further two and a
+half minutes in order to reap an added profit and to garner all his rice
+before the Hoang Ho rose.
+
+As for myself, revered, it would be immature to hold the gauze screen of
+prevarication between your all-discerning mind and my own trepidation.
+From the moment when I first saw the expression of utterly depraved
+malignity and deep-seared hate which he had cunningly engraved upon his
+face by means of the coloured inks, I was far from being comfortably
+settled within myself. Even the society of the not inelegant being of
+the inner chamber, whom it was now my part to console with alluring
+words and movements, could not for some time retain my face from a
+back-way instinct at every sound; but when the detail was reached that
+she sank into my grasp bereft of all energy, and for the first time I
+was just succeeding in forgetting the unpropitious surroundings, the
+one Fang, who had entered with unseemly stealth, suddenly hurled his
+soul-freezing battle-cry upon my ear and leapt forward with uplifted
+knife. Perceiving the action from an angle of my eye even as he
+propelled himself through the air, I could not restrain an ignoble wail
+of despair, and not scrupling to forsake the maiden, I would have taken
+refuge beneath a couch had he not seized my outer robe and hurled me
+to the ground. From this point to the close of the entertainment
+the vigorous person in question did not cease from raising cries and
+challenges in an unfaltering and many-fathomed stream, while at the same
+time he continued to spring from one extremity of the stage to the other
+surrounded by every external attribute of an insatiable tiger-like rage.
+It is circumstantially related that the one near at hand, who has been
+referred to as possessing a voiced machine, became demented, and bearing
+the contrivance to a certain tent erected by the charitable, entreated
+them to remove the impediment from its speech so that it might be heard
+again and his livelihood restored. When the action of brandishing
+a profusion of knives before the lesser one's eyes was reached, so
+nerve-shattering was the impression which Fang created that the back of
+the tent had to be removed in order to let out those who no longer had
+possession of themselves, and to let in those--to a ten-fold
+degree--who strove for admission on the rumour spreading that something
+exceptionally repellent was progressing within.
+
+With what attenuated organs of repose this person would have reached
+the end of so strenuous an occupation had he been compelled to twelve
+enactments each hour throughout the gong-strokes of the day without any
+literary relief, it is not enticing to dwell upon. This evil was averted
+by a timely intervention, for upon proceeding to the outer air for the
+third time I at once perceived among the foremost throng the engaging
+full-face of William Beveledge Greyson. This really painstaking
+individual had learned, as he afterwards explained, that the chiefs of
+exchange (those who in the first case had opposed me resolutely,) had
+received a written omen, and now in contrition were expressing their
+willingness to hold out a full restitution. With this assurance he
+had set forth in an unremitting search, and guided by street-watchers,
+removers of superfluous earth, families propelling themselves forward
+upon one foot, astrologers, two-wheeled charioteers, and others who move
+early and secretly by night, he had traced my description to this same
+Heath. Here he had been attracted by the displayed placard (remembering
+my honourable boast), and approaching nearer, he had plainly recognised
+my voice within. But in spite of this the successful disentanglement was
+by no means yet accomplished.
+
+Not expecting so involved a reversal of things, and being short-eyed by
+nature, William Greyson did not wait for a fuller assurance than to
+be satisfied that the one before him wore my robes and conformed in a
+general outline, before he addressed him.
+
+"Kong Ho," he said pleasantly, "what the Chief Evil Spirit are you doing
+up there?" adding persuasively, "Come down, there's a good fellow. I
+have something important to tell you."
+
+Thus appealed to, the one Fang hesitated in doubt, seeing on the one
+hand a certain loss of face if he declined the conversation, and on the
+other hand having no clear perception of what was required from him.
+Therefore he entered upon a course of evasion and somewhat incapably
+replied, "Chow Chop Wei Hai Wei Lung Tung Togo Kuroki Jim Jam Beri
+Beri."
+
+"Don't act the horned sheep," said Beveledge, who was both resolute and
+one easily set into violent motion by an opposing stream. "Come down,
+or I'll come up and fetch you." And not being satisfied with Fang's
+ill-advised attempt to express himself equivocally, those around took up
+the apt similitude of a self-opinionated animal, and began to suggest a
+comparison to other creatures no less degraded.
+
+"Rats yourselves!" exclaimed the easily-inflamed person at my side,
+losing the inefficient cords of his prudence beneath the sting. "Who's
+a rabbit? For two guinea-pigs I'd mow all the grass between here and
+the Spaniards with your own left ears," and not permitting me sufficient
+preparation to withhold the chain more firmly, he abruptly cast himself
+down among them, amid a scene of the most untamed confusion.
+
+"Oh, affectionately-disposed brethren," I exclaimed, moving forward and
+raising my hand in refined disapproval, "the sublime Confucius, in the
+twenty-third chapter of the book called 'The Great Learning,' warns us
+against--" but before I could formulate the allusion Beveledge
+Greyson, who at the sound of my conciliatory words had gazed first in
+astonishment and then in a self-convulsed position, drew himself up to
+my side, and taking a firm grasp upon the all-round collar, projected me
+without a pause through the tent, and only halting for a moment to point
+significantly back to the varied and animated scene behind, where, amid
+a very profuse display of contending passions, the erected stage was
+already being dragged to the ground, and a band of the official watch
+was in the act of converging from every side, he led me through more
+deserted paths to the scene of a final extrication.
+
+With a well-gratified sense of having held an unswerving course along
+the convoluted outline of Destiny's decree, to whatever tending.
+
+KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XIV
+
+
+ Concerning a pressing invitation from an ever benevolently-
+ disposed father to a prosaic but dutifully-inclined son. The
+ recording of certain matters of no particular moment.
+ Concerning that ultimate end which is symbolic of the
+ inexorable wheels of a larger Destiny.
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE,--It is not for the earthworm to say when and in what
+exact position the iron-shod boot shall descend, and this person, being
+an even inferior creature for the purpose of the comparison, bows an
+acquiescent neck to your very explicit command that he shall return to
+Yuen-ping without delay. He cannot put away from his mind a clinging
+suspicion that this arising is the result of some imperfection in
+his deplorable style of correspondence, whereby you have formed an
+impression quite opposed to that which it had been the intention to
+convey, and that, perchance, you even have a secret doubt whether upon
+some specified occasion he may not have conducted the enterprise to an
+ignoble, or at least not markedly successful, end. However, the saying
+runs, "The stone-cutter always has the last word," and you equally, by
+intimating with your usual unanswerable and clear-sighted gift of
+logic that no further allowance of taels will be sent for this one's
+dispersal, diplomatically impose upon an ever-yearning son the most
+feverish anxiety once more to behold your large and open-handed face.
+
+Standing thus poised, as it may be said, for a returning flight across
+the elements of separation, it is not inopportune for this person to let
+himself dwell gracefully upon those lighter points of recollection which
+have engraved themselves from time to time upon his mind without leading
+to any more substantial adventure worthy to record. Many of the things
+which seemed strange and incomprehensible when he first came among
+this powerful though admittedly barbarian people, are now revealed at
+a proper angle; others, to which he formerly imagined he had found the
+disclosing key, are, on the other hand, plunged into a distorting haze;
+while between these lie a multitude of details in every possible stage
+of disentanglement and doubt. As a final and painstaking pronouncement,
+this person has no hesitation in declaring that this country is
+not--as practically all our former travellers have declared--completely
+down-side-up as compared with our own manners and customs, but at the
+same time it is very materially sideways.
+
+Thus, instead of white, black robes are the indication of mourning; but
+as, for the generality, the same colour is also used for occasions of
+commerce, ceremony, religion, and the ordinary affairs of life, the
+matter remains exactly as it was before. Yet with obtuse inconsistency
+the garments usually white--in which a change would be really
+noticeable--remain white throughout the most poignant grief. How much
+more markedly expressed would be the symbolism if during such a period
+they wore white outer robes and black body garments. Nevertheless it
+cannot be said that they are unmindful of the emblematic influence of
+colour, for, unlike the reasonable conviction that red is red and blue
+is blue, which has satisfied our great nation from the days of the
+legendary Shun, these pale-eyed foreigners have diverged into countless
+trifling imaginings, so that when the one who is now expressing his
+contempt for the development required a robe of a certain hue, he had to
+bend his mouth, before he could be exactly understood, to the degrading
+necessity of asking for "Drowned-rat brown," "Sunstroke magenta,"
+"Billingsgate purple," "London milk azure," "Settling-day green," or the
+like. In the other signs of mourning they do not come within measurable
+distance of our pure and uncomfortable standard. "If you are really
+sincere in your regret for the one who has Passed Beyond, why do you not
+sit upon the floor for seven days and nights, take up all food with your
+fingers, and allow your nails to grow untrimmed for three years?" was
+a question which I at first instinctively put to lesser ones in their
+affliction. In every case save one I received answers of evasive
+purport, and even the one stated reason, "Because although I am a poor
+widder I ain't a pig," I deemed shallow.
+
+I have already dipped a revealing brush into the subject of names.
+Were the practice of applying names in a wrong and illogical sequence
+maintained throughout it might indeed raise a dignified smile, but
+it would not appear contemptible; but what can be urged when upon an
+occasion one name appears first, upon another occasion last? A dignity
+is conferred in old age, and it is placed before the family designation
+borne by an honoured father and a direct line of seventeen revered
+ancestors. Another title is bestowed, and eats up the former like a
+revengeful dragon. New distinctions follow, some at one end, others at
+another, until a very successful person may be suitably compared to
+the ringed oleander snake, which has the power of growing equally
+from either the head or the tail. To express the matter by a definite
+allusion, how much more graceful and orchideous, even in a condensed
+fashion, would appear the designation of this selected one, if instead
+of the usual form of the country it was habitually set forth in the
+following logical and thoroughly Chinese style:--Chamberlain Joseph,
+Master, Mr., Thrice Wearer of the Robes and Golden Collar, One of the
+Just Peacemakers, Esquire, Member of the House of Law-givers, Leader
+in the Council of Commerce, Presider over the Tables of Provincial
+Government, Uprightly Honourable Secretary of the Outlying Parts.
+
+Among the notes which at various times I have inscribed in a book
+for future guidance I find it written on an early page, "They do not
+hesitate to express their fathers' names openly," but to this assertion
+there stands a warning sign which was added after the following
+incident. "Is it true, Mr. Kong," asked a lesser one, who is spoken of
+as vastly rich but discontented with her previous lot, of this person
+upon an occasion, "is it really true that your countrymen to not
+consider it right to speak of their fathers' names, even in this
+enlightened age?" To this I replied that the matter was as she had
+eloquently expressed it, and, encouraged by her amiable condescension,
+I asked after the memory of her paternal grandsire, whose name I had
+frequently heard whispered in connection with her own. To my inelegant
+confusion she regarded me for a period as though I had the virtue of
+having become transparent, and then passed on in a most overwhelming
+excess of disconcertingly-arranged silence.
+
+"You've done it now, Kong," said one who stood by (or, as we would
+express the same thought, "You have succeeded in accomplishing the
+undesirable"); "don't you know that the old man was in the tripe and
+trotter line?"
+
+"To no degree," I replied truly. "Yet," I continued, matching his idiom
+with another equally facile, "wherein was this person's screw loose? Are
+they not openly referred to--those of the Line of Tripe and Trotter--by
+their descendants?"
+
+"Not in most cases," he said, with a concentration that indicated
+a lurking sting among his words. "Generally speaking, they aren't
+mentioned or taken into any account whatever. While they are alive they
+are kept in the background and invited to treat themselves to the Tower
+when nice people are expected; when dead they are fastened up in the
+family back cupboard by a score of ten-inch nails and three-trick Yale
+locks, so to speak. And in the meantime all the splash is being made on
+their muddy oof. See?"
+
+I nodded agreeably, though, had the opportunity been more favourable, I
+would have made the feint to learn somewhat more of this secret practice
+of burying in the enclosed space beneath the stairs. Thus is it set
+forth why, after the statement, "They do not hesitate to express their
+fathers' names openly," it is further written, "Walk slowly! Engrave
+well upon your discreet remembrance the unmentionable Line of Tripe and
+Trotter."
+
+Another point of comparison which the superficial have failed to record
+is to be found in the frequent encouragements to regard The Virtues
+which are to be seen, like our own Confucian extracts, freely inscribed
+on every wall and suitable place about the city. These for the most part
+counsel moderation in taking false oaths, in stepping heedlessly upon
+the unknown ground, in following paths which lead to doubtful ends, and
+other timely warnings. "Beware a smoke-breathing demon," is frequently
+cast across one's path upon a barrier, and this person has never failed
+to accept the omen and to retrace his steps hastily without looking to
+the right or the left. Even our own national caution is not forgotten,
+although to conform to barbarian indolence it is written, "Slowly,
+slowly; drive slowly." "Keep to the Right" (or, "Abandon that which is
+evil," as the analogy holds,) is perhaps the most frequently displayed
+of all, and doubtless many charitable persons obtain an ever-accruing
+merit by hanging the sign bearing these words upon every available post.
+Others are of a stern and threatening nature, designed to make the most
+hardened ill-doer pause, as--in their own tongue--"Rubbish may be shot
+here"; which we should render, "At any moment, and in such a place
+as this, a just doom and extinction may overtake the worthless." This
+inscription is never to be seen except in waste expanses, where it
+points its significance with a multiplied force. There is another
+definite threat which is lavishly set out, and so thoroughly that it may
+be encountered in the least frequented and almost inaccessible spots.
+This, as it may be translated, reads, "Trespass not the forbidden. The
+profligate may flourish like the gourd for a season, but in the
+end assuredly they will be detected, and justice meted out with the
+relentless fury of the written law."
+
+In a converse position, the wide difference in the ceremonial forms of
+retaliatory invective has practically disarmed this usually eloquent
+person, and he long since abandoned every hope of expressing himself
+with any satisfaction in encounters of however acrimonious a trend.
+At first, with an urbane smile and gestures of dignified contempt, he
+impugned the authenticity of the Ancestral Tablets of those with whom
+he strove, in an unbroken stream of most bitter contumely. Finding them
+silent under this reproach, he next lightly traced their origin back
+through generations of afflicted lepers, deformed ape-beings, and
+Nameless Things, to a race of primitive ghouls, and then went on in
+relentless fluency to predict an early return in their descendants to
+the condition of a similar state. For some time he had a well-gratified
+assurance that those whom he assailed were so overwhelmed as to be
+incapable of retort, and in this belief he never failed to call upon
+passers-by to witness his triumph; but on the fourth occasion a young
+man whom I had thus publicly denounced for a sufficient though forgotten
+reason, after listening courteously to my venomous accusations, bestowed
+a two-cash piece upon me and passed on, remarking that it was hard,
+and those around, also, would have added from their stores had it
+been permitted. From this time onward I did not attempt to make myself
+disagreeable either in public or to those whom I esteemed privately. On
+the other hand, the barbarian manner of retort did not find me endowed
+by nature to parry it successfully. Quite lacking in measured periods,
+it aims, by an extreme rapidity of thrust and an insincerity of
+sequence, to entangle the one who is assailed in a complication of
+arising doubts and emotions. "Who are you,--no one but yourself,"
+exclaimed a hireling of hung-dog expression who claimed to have
+exchanged pledging gifts with a certain maiden who stood, as it were,
+between us, and falling into the snare, I protested warmly against the
+insult, and strove to disprove the inference before the paralogism lay
+revealed. Throughout the whole range of the Odes, the Histories, the
+Analects, and the Rites what recognised formula of rejoinder is there to
+the taunt, "Oh, go and put your feet in mustard and cress"; or how
+can one, however skilled in the highest Classics, parry the subtle
+inconsistencies of the reproach, "You're a nice bit of orl right, aren't
+you? Not arf, I don't think."
+
+Among the arts of this country that of painting upon canvas is held in
+repute, but to a person associated with the masterpieces of the Ma epoch
+these native attempts would be gravity-dispelling if they were not too
+reminiscent of the torture chamber. It is rarely, indeed, that even the
+most highly-esteemed picture-makers succeed in depicting every portion
+of a human body submitted to their brush, and not infrequently half
+of the face is left out. Once, when asked by a paint-applier who was
+entitled to append two signs of exceptional distinction behind his name,
+to express an opinion upon a finished work, I diffidently called his
+attention to the fact that he had forgotten to introduce a certain
+exalted one's left ear. "Not at all, Mr. Kong," he replied, with an
+expression of ill-merited self-satisfaction, "but it is hidden by the
+face." "Yet it exists," I contended; "why not, therefore, press it to
+the front at all hazard, rather than send so great a statesman down
+into the annals of posterity as deformed to that extent?" "It certainly
+exists," he admitted, "and one takes that for granted; but in my picture
+it cannot be seen." I bowed complaisantly, content to let so damaging
+an admission point its own despair. A moment later I continued, "In the
+great Circular Hall of the Palace of Envoys there is a picture of
+two camels, foot-tethered, as it fortunately chanced, to iron rings.
+Formerly there were a drove of eight--the others being free--so
+exquisitely outlined in all their parts that one night, when the door
+had been left incautiously open, they stepped down from the wall and
+escaped to the woods. How deplorable would have been the plight of these
+unfortunate beings, if upon passing into the state of a living existence
+they had found that as a result of the limited vision of their creator
+they only possessed twelve legs and three whole bodies among them."
+
+Perchance this tactfully-related story, so applicable to his own
+deficiencies, may sink into the imagination of the one for whom it was
+inoffensively unfolded. Yet doubt remains. Our own picture-judgers
+take up a position at the side of work when they with to examine its
+qualities, retiring to an ever-diminishing angle in order to bring out
+the more delicate effects, until a very expert and conscientious critic
+will not infrequently stand really behind the picture he is considering
+before he delivers a final pronouncement. Not until these native artists
+are able to regard their crude attempts from the other side of the
+canvas can they hope to become equally proficient. To this fatal
+shortcoming must be added that of insatiable ambition, which prompts
+the young to the portrayal of widely differing subjects. Into the
+picture-room of one who might thus be described this person was recently
+conducted, to pass an opinion upon a scene in which were depicted
+seven men of varying nationalities and appropriately garbed, one of the
+opposing sex carrying a lighted torch, an elephant reclining beneath a
+fruitful vine, and the President of a Republic. For a period this person
+resisted the efforts of those who would have questioned him, withdrawing
+their attention to the harmonious lights upon the river mist floating
+far below, but presently, being definitely called upon, he replied as
+follows: "Mih Ying, who was perhaps the greatest of his time, spent his
+whole life in painting green and yellow beetles in the act of concealing
+themselves beneath dead maple leaves upon the approach of day. At the
+age of seventy-five he burst into tears, and upon being approached for
+a cause he exclaimed, 'Alas, if only this person had resisted the
+temptation to be diffuse, and had confined himself to green beetles
+alone, he might now, instead of contemplating a misspent career, have
+been really great.' How much less," I continued, "can a person of
+immature moustaches hope to depict two such conflicting objects as a
+recumbent elephant and the President of a Republic standing beneath a
+banner?"
+
+Upon the temptation to deal critically with the religious instincts of
+the islanders this person draws an obliterating brush. As practically
+every traveller who has honoured our unattractive land with his
+effusive presence has subsequently left it in a printed record that
+our ceremonies are grotesque, our priesthood ignorant and depraved,
+our monasteries and sacred places spots of plague upon an otherwise
+flower-adorned landscape, and our beliefs and sacrifices only worthy to
+exist for the purpose of being made into jest-origins by more refined
+communities, the omission on this one's part may appear uncivil and
+perhaps even intentionally discourteous. To this, as a burner of
+joss-sticks and an irregular person, he can only reply by a deprecatory
+waving of both hands and a reassuring smile.
+
+With the two-sided memories of many other details hanging thickly around
+his brush, it would not be an achievement to continue to a practically
+inexhaustible amount. As of the set days when certain things are
+observed, among which fall the first of the fourth month (but that would
+disclose another involvement), another when flat cakes are partaken
+of without due caution, another when rounder cakes are even more
+incautiously consumed, and that most brightly-illuminated of all when it
+is permissible to embrace maidens openly, and if discreetly accomplished
+with no overhanging fear of ensuing forms of law, beneath the emblem of
+a suspended branch, in memory of the wisdom of certain venerable sages
+who were doubtless expert in the practice. As of the inconvenient
+custom when two persons are walking together that they should arrange
+themselves side by side, to the obvious discomfort of others, the
+sweeping away of all opportunities for agreeable politeness, and
+the utter disregard of the time-honoured example of the sagacious
+water-fowl. As of the inconsistency of refusing, even with contempt, to
+receive our most intimate form of regard and use this person's lip-cloth
+after a feast, yet the mulish eagerness in that same youth to drink from
+a cup previously used by a lesser one. As of the precision (which still
+remains a cloud of doubt,) with which creatures so intractable as the
+bull are successfully trained to roar aloud at certain gong-strokes of
+the day as an agreed signal. As of the streets in movement, the lights
+at evening, and the voices of those unseen. As of these and as of other
+matters, so multitudinous that they crowd about this person's mind
+like the assembling swallows, circling above the deserted millet
+fields before they turn their beaks to the sea, and dropping his brush
+(perchance with an acquiescent sigh), he, also, kow-tows submissively
+to a blind but appointed destiny, and prepares to seek a passage from an
+alien land of sojourning.
+
+With the impetuous craving of an affectionate son to behold a revered
+sire, intensified by the fact that he has reached the innermost lining
+of his sleeve; with affectionate greetings towards Ning, Hia-Fa, and
+T'ian Yen, and an assurance that they have never been really absent from
+his thoughts.
+
+KONG HO.
+
+
+ Ernest Bramah, of whom in his lifetime Who's Who had so
+ little to say, was born in Manchester. At seventeen he chose
+ farming as a profession, but after three years of losing
+ money gave it up to go into journalism. He started as
+ correspondent on a typical provincial paper, then went to
+ London as secretary to Jerome K. Jerome, and worked himself
+ into the editorial side of Jerome's magazine, To-day, where
+ he got the opportunity of meeting the most important
+ literary figures of the day. But he soon left To-day to
+ join a new publishing firm, as editor of a publication
+ called The Minister; finally, after two years of this, he
+ turned to writing as his full-time occupation. He was
+ intensely interested in coins and published a book on the
+ English regal copper coinage. He is, however, best known as
+ the creator of the charming character Kai Lung who appears
+ in Kai Lung Unrolls His Mat, Kai Lung's Golden Hours, The
+ Wallet of Kai Lung, Kai Lung Beneath the Mulberry Tree, The
+ Mirror of Kong Ho, and The Moon of Much Gladness; he also
+ wrote two one-act plays which are often performed at London
+ variety theatres, and many stories and articles in leading
+ periodicals. He died in 1942.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Mirror of Kong Ho, by Ernest Bramah
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+The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Mirror of Kong Ho, by Bramah
+#2 in our series, by Ernest Bramah
+
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+The Mirror of Kong Ho
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+by Ernest Bramah
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+October, 1997  [Etext #1077]
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+The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Mirror of Kong Ho, by Bramah
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+
+THE MIRROR OF KONG HO
+By Ernest Bramah
+
+
+Etext prepared by John Bickers, jbickers@templar.actrix.gen.nz.
+
+
+
+ THE MIRROR OF KONG HO
+
+ BY ERNEST BRAMAH
+
+
+
+A lively and amusing collection of letters on
+western living written by Kong Ho, a Chinese
+gentleman. These addressed to his homeland,
+refer to the Westerners in London as
+barbarians and many of the aids to life in our
+society give Kong Ho endless food for thought.
+These are things such as the motor car and the
+piano; unknown in China at this time.
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION
+
+ESTIMABLE BARBARIAN,--Your opportune suggestion that I should
+permit the letters, wherein I have described with undeviating
+fidelity the customs and manner of behaving of your
+accomplished race, to be set forth in the form of printed
+leaves for all to behold, is doubtless gracefully-intentioned,
+and this person will raise no barrier of dissent against it.
+
+In this he is inspired by the benevolent hope that his
+immature compositions may to one extent become a model and a
+by-word to those who in turn visit his own land of Fragrant
+Purity; for with exacting care he has set down no detail that
+has not come under his direct observation (although it is not
+to be denied that here or there he may, perchance, have
+misunderstood an involved allusion or failed to grasp the
+inner significance of an act), so that Impartiality
+necessarily sways his brush, and Truth lurks within his inkpot.
+
+In an entirely contrary manner some, who of recent years have
+gratified us with their magnanimous presence, have returned to
+their own countries not only with the internal fittings of
+many of our palaces (which, being for the most part of a
+replaceable nature, need be only trivially referred to, the
+incident, indeed, being generally regarded as a most cordial
+and pressing variety of foreign politeness), but also--in the
+lack of highly-spiced actuality--with subtly-imagined and
+truly objectionable instances. These calumnies they have not
+hesitated to commit to the form of printed books, which,
+falling into the hands of the ignorant and undiscriminating,
+may even suggest to their ill-balanced minds a doubt whether
+we of the Celestial Empire really are the wisest, bravest,
+purest, and most enlightened people in existence.
+
+As a parting, it only remains to be said that, in order to
+maintain unimpaired the quaint-sounding brevity and archaic
+construction of your prepossessing language, I have engraved
+most of the remarks upon the receptive tablets of my mind as
+they were uttered. To one who can repeat the Five Classics
+without stumbling this is a contemptible achievement. Let it
+be an imposed obligation, therefore, that you retain these
+portions unchanged as a test and a proof to all who may read.
+Of my own deficient words, I can only in truest courtesy
+maintain that any alteration must of necessity make them less
+offensively commonplace than at present they are.
+
+The Sign and immutable Thumb-mark of,
+Kong Ho
+
+By a sure hand to the House of one Ernest Bramah.
+
+
+
+THE MIRROR OF KONG HO
+
+
+
+LETTER I
+
+
+
+Concerning the journey. The unlawful demons invoked by certain
+of the barbarians; their power and the manner of their suppression.
+suppression. The incredible obtuseness of those who attend within tea-houses.
+The harmonious attitude of a person of commerce.
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE (at whose virtuous and well-established feet an
+unworthy son now prostrates himself in spirit repeatedly),--
+
+Having at length reached the summit of my journey, that London of
+which the merchants from Canton spoke so many strange and incredible
+things, I now send you filial salutations three times increased, and
+in accordance with your explicit command I shall write all things to
+you with an unvarnished brush, well assured that your versatile object
+in committing me to so questionable an enterprise was, above all, to
+learn the truth of these matters in an undeviating and yet open-headed
+spirit of accuracy and toleration.
+
+Of the perils incurred while travelling in the awe-inspiring devices
+by which I was transferred from shore to shore and yet further inland,
+of the utter absence of all leisurely dignity on the part of those
+controlling their movements, and of the almost unnatural
+self-opinionatedness which led them to persist in starting at a stated
+and prearranged time, even when this person had courteously pointed
+out to them by irrefutable omens that neither the day nor the hour was
+suitable for the venture, I have already written. It is enough to
+assert that a similar want of prudence was maintained on every
+occasion, and, as a result, when actually within sight of the walls of
+this city, we were involved for upwards of an hour in a very
+evilly-arranged yellow darkness, which, had we but delayed for a day,
+as I strenuously advised those in authority after consulting the
+Sacred Flat and Round Sticks, we should certainly have avoided.
+
+Concerning the real nature of the devices by which the ships are
+propelled at sea and the carriages on land, I must still unroll a
+blank mind until I can secretly, and without undue hazard, examine
+them more closely. If, as you maintain, it is the work of captive
+demons hidden away among their most inside parts, it must be admitted
+that these usually intractable beings are admirably trained and
+controlled, and I am wide-headed enough to think that in this respect
+we might--not-withstanding our nine thousand years of civilised
+refinement--learn something of the methods of these barbarians. The
+secret, however, is jealously guarded, and they deny the existence of
+any supernatural forces; but their protests may be ignored, for there
+is undoubtedly a powerful demon used in a similar way by some of the
+boldest of them, although its employment is unlawful. A certain kind
+of chariot is used for the occupation of this demon, and those who
+wish to invoke it conceal their faces within masks of terrifying
+design, and cover their hands and bodies with specially prepared
+garments, without which it would be fatal to encounter these very
+powerful spirits. While yet among the habitations of men, and in
+crowded places, they are constrained to use less powerful demons,
+which are lawful, but when they reach the unfrequented paths they
+throw aside all restraint, and, calling to their aid the forbidden
+spirit (which they do by secret movements of the hands), they are
+carried forward by its agency at a speed unattainable by merely human
+means. By day the demon looks forth from three white eyes, which at
+night have a penetrating brilliance equal to the fiercest glances of
+the Sacred Dragon in anger. If any person incautiously stands in its
+way it utters a warning cry of intolerable rage, and should the
+presumptuous one neglect to escape to the roadside and there prostrate
+himself reverentially before it, it seizes him by the body part and
+contemptuously hurls him bruised and unrecognisable into the boundless
+space of the around. Frequently the demon causes the chariot to rise
+into the air, and it is credibly asserted by discriminating witnesses
+(although this person only sets down as incapable of denial that which
+he has actually beheld) that some have maintained an unceasing flight
+through the middle air for a distance of many li. Occasionally the
+captive demon escapes from the bondage of those who have invoked it,
+through some incautious gesture or heretical remark on their part, and
+then it never fails to use them grievously, casting them to the ground
+wounded, consuming the chariot with fire, and passing away in the
+midst of an exceedingly debased odour, by which it is always
+accompanied after the manner of our own earth spirits.
+
+This being, as this person has already set forth, an unlawful demon on
+account of its power when once called up, and the admitted uncertainty
+of its movements, those in authority maintain a stern and inexorable
+face towards the practice. To entrap the unwary certain persons
+(chosen on account of their massive outlines, and further protected
+from evil influences by their pure and consistent habits) keep an
+unceasing watch. When one of them, himself lying concealed, detects
+the approach of such a being, he closely observes the position of the
+sun, and signals to the other a message of warning. Then the second
+one, shielded by the sanctity of his life and rendered inviolable by
+the nature of his garments--his sandals alone being capable of
+overturning any demon from his path should it encounter them--boldly
+steps forth into the road and holds out before him certain sacred
+emblems. So powerful are these that at the sight the unlawful demon
+confesses itself vanquished, and although its whole body trembles with
+ill-contained rage, and the air around is poisoned by its
+discreditable exhalation, it is devoid of further resistance. Those in
+the chariot are thereupon commanded to dismiss it, and being bound in
+chains they are led into the presence of certain lesser mandarins who
+administer justice from a raised dais.
+
+"Behold!" exclaims the chief of the captors, when the prisoners have
+been placed in obsequious attitudes before the lesser mandarins, "thus
+the matter chanced: The honourable Wang, although disguised under the
+semblance of an applewoman, had discreetly concealed himself by the
+roadside, all but his head being underneath a stream of stagnant
+water, when, at the eighth hour of the morning, he beheld these
+repulsive outcasts approaching in their chariot, carried forward by
+the diabolical vigour of the unlawful demon. Although I had stationed
+myself several li distant from the accomplished Wang, the chariot
+reached me in less than a breathing space of time, those inside
+assuming their fiercest and most aggressive attitudes, and as they
+came repeatedly urging the demon to increased exertions. Their speed
+exceeded that of the swallow in his hymeneal flight, all shrubs and
+flowers by the wayside withered incapably at the demon's contaminating
+glance, running water ceased to flow, and the road itself was scorched
+at their passage, the earth emitting a dull bluish flame. These facts,
+and the times and the distances, this person has further inscribed in
+a book which thus disposes of all possible defence. Therefore, O
+lesser mandarins, let justice be accomplished heavily and without
+delay; for, as the proverb truly says, 'The fiercer the flame the more
+useless the struggles of the victim.'"
+
+At this point the prisoners frequently endeavour to make themselves
+heard, protesting that in the distance between the concealed Wang and
+the one who stands accusing them they had thrice stopped to repair
+their innermost details, had leisurely partaken of food and wine, and
+had also been overtaken, struck, and delayed by a funeral procession.
+But so great is the execration in which these persons are held, that
+although murderers by stealth, outlaws, snatchers from the body, and
+companies of men who by strategy make a smaller sum of money appear to
+be larger, can all freely testify their innocence, raisers of this
+unlawful demon must not do so, and they are beaten on the head with
+chains until they desist.
+
+Then the lesser mandarins, raising their voices in unison, exclaim,
+`The amiable Tsay-hi has reported the matter in a discreet and
+impartial spirit. Hear our pronouncement: These raisers of illegal
+spirits shall each contribute ten taels of gold, which shall be
+expended in joss-sticks, in purifying the road which they have
+scorched, and in alleviating the distress of the poor and virtuous of
+both sexes. The praiseworthy Tsay-hi, moreover, shall embroider upon
+his sleeve an honourable sign in remembrance of the event. Let drums
+now be beat, and our verdict loudly proclaimed throughout the
+province."
+
+These things, O my illustrious father (although on account of my
+contemptible deficiencies of style much may seem improbable to your
+all-knowing mind), these things I write with an unbending brush; for I
+set down only that which I have myself seen, or read in their own
+printed records. Doubtless it will occur to one of your preternatural
+intelligence that our own system of administering justice, whereby the
+person who can hire the greater number of witnesses is reasonably held
+to be in the right, although perhaps not absolutely infallible, is in
+every way more convenient; but, as it is well said, "To the blind,
+night is as acceptable as day."
+
+Henceforth you will have no hesitation in letting it be known
+throughout Yuen-ping that these foreign barbarians do possess secret
+demons, in spite of their denials. Doubtless I shall presently
+discover others no less powerful.
+
+With honourable distinction this person has at length grasped the
+essential details of the spoken language here--not sufficiently well,
+indeed, to make himself understood on most occasions, or even to
+understand others, but enough to perceive clearly when he fails to
+become intelligible or when they experience a like difficulty with
+him. Upon an earlier occasion, before he had made so much progress,
+being one day left to his own resources, and feeling an internal lack,
+he entered what appeared to be a tea-shop of reputable demeanour, and,
+seating himself at one of the little marble tables, he freely
+pronounced the carefully-learned word "rice" to the attending nymph.
+To put aside all details of preparation (into which, indeed, this
+person could not enter) he waved his hand gracefully, at the same time
+smiling with an expression of tolerant acquiescence, as of one who
+would say that what was good enough to be cooked and offered by so
+entrancing a maiden was good enough to be eaten by him. After
+remaining in unruffled tranquillity for the full portion of an hour,
+and observing that no other person around had to wait above half that
+period, this one began to perceive that the enterprise was not likely
+to terminate in a manner satisfactory to himself; so that, leaving
+this place with a few well-chosen phrases of intolerable regret in his
+own tongue, he entered another, and conducted himself in a like
+fashion. . . . Towards evening, with an unperturbed exterior, but
+materially afflicted elsewhere, this person seated himself within the
+eleventh tea-shop, and, pointing first towards his own constituents of
+digestion, then at the fire, and lastly in an upward direction,
+thereby signified to any not of stunted intellect that he had reached
+such a condition of mind and body that he was ready to consume
+whatever the ruling deities were willing to allot, whether boiled,
+baked, roast, or suspended from a skewer. In this resolve nothing
+would move him, until--after many maidens had approached with
+outstretched hands and gestures of despair--there presently entered a
+person wearing the helmet of a warrior and the manner of a high
+official, who spoke strongly, yet persuasively, of the virtues of
+immediate movement and a quiet and reposeful bearing.
+
+Assuredly a people who devote so little attention to the study of
+food, and all matters connected with it, must inevitably remain
+barbaric, however skilfully they may feign a superficial refinement.
+It is said, although I do not commit this matter to my own brush, that
+among them are more books composed on subjects which have no actual
+existence than on cooking, and, incredible as it may appear, to be
+exceptionally round-bodied confers no public honour upon the
+individual. Should a favourable occasion present itself, there are
+many who do not scruple to jest upon the subject of food, or, what is
+incalculably more depraved, upon the scarcity of it.
+
+Nevertheless, there are exceptions of a highly distinguished radiance.
+Among these must be accounted one into whose presence this person was
+recently led by our polished and harmonious friend Quang-Tsun, the
+merchant in tea and spices. This versatile person, whose business-name
+is spoken of as Jones Bob-Jones, is worthy of all benignant respect,
+and in a really enlightened country would doubtless be raised to a
+more exalted position than that of a breaker of outsides (an
+occupation difficult to express adequately in the written language of
+a country where it is unknown), for his face is like the sun setting
+in the time of harvest, his waist garment excessive, and the undoubted
+symmetry of his middle portions honourable in the extreme. So welcome
+in my eyes, after witnessing an unending stream of concave and
+attenuated barbarian ghosts, was the sight of these perfections of
+Jones Bob-Jones, that instead of the formal greeting of this
+Island--the unmeaning "How do you do it?"--I shook hands cordially
+with myself, and exclaimed affectionately in our own language,
+"Illimitable felicities! How is your stomach?"
+
+"Well," replied Jones Bob-Jones, after Quang-Tsun had interpreted this
+polite salutation to his understanding, "since you mention it, that's
+just the trouble; but I'm going on pretty well, thanks. I've tried
+most of the advertised things, and now my doctor has put me
+practically on a bread-and-water course--clear soup, boiled fish,
+plain joint, no sweets, a crumb of cheese, and a bare three glasses of
+Hermitage."
+
+During this amiable remark (of which, as it is somewhat of a technical
+nature, I was unable to grasp the contained significance until the
+agreeable Quang-Tsun had subsequently repeated it several times for
+my retention), I maintained a consistent expression of harmonious
+agreement and gratified esteem (suitable, I find, for all like
+occasions), and then, judging from the sympathetic animation of Jones
+Bob-Jones's countenance, that it had not improbably been connected
+with food, I discreetly introduced the subject of sea-snails,
+preserved in the essence of crushed peaches, by courteously inquiring
+whether he had ever partaken of such a delicacy.
+
+"No," replied the liberal-minded person, when--encouraged by the
+protruding eagerness of his eyes at the mention of the viand--I had
+further spoken of the refined flavour of the dish, and explained the
+manner of its preparation. "I can't say that I have, but it sounds
+uncommonly good--something like turtle, I should imagine. I'll see if
+they can get it for me at Pimm's."
+
+This filial tribute goes by a trusty hand, in the person of one Ki
+Nihy, who is shortly committing himself to the protection of his
+ancestors and the voracity of the unbounded Bitter Waters; and with
+brightness and gold it will doubtless reach you in the course of
+twelve or eighteen moons. The superstitious here, this person may
+describe, when they wish to send messages from one to another,
+inscribe upon the outer cover a written representation of the one
+whose habitation they require, and after affixing a small paper
+talisman, drop it into a hole in the nearest wall, in the hope that it
+may be ultimately conveyed to the appointed spot, either by the
+services of the charitably-disposed passer-by, or by the intervention
+of the beneficent deities.
+
+With a multiplicity of greetings and many abject expressions of a
+conscious inferiority, and attested by an unvarying thumb-mark.
+
+KONG HO.
+(Effete branch of a pure and magnanimous trunk.)
+
+
+
+To Kong Ah-Paik, reclining beneath the sign of the Lead Tortoise, in a
+northerly direction beyond the Lotus Beds outside the city of
+Yuen-ping. The Middle Flowery Kingdom.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER II
+
+
+Concerning the ill-destined manner of existence of the hound
+Hercules. The thoughtlessly-expressed desire of the entrancing
+maiden and its effect upon a person of susceptible refinement.
+The opportune (as it may yet be described) visit of one
+Herbert. The behaviour of those around. Reflections.
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE (whose large right hand is continuously floating in
+spirit over the image of this person's dutiful submission),--
+
+Doubtless to your all-consuming prescience, it will at once become
+plain that I have abandoned the place of residence from which I
+directed my former badly-written and offensively-constructed letter,
+the house of the sympathetic and resourceful Maidens Blank, where in
+return for an utterly inadequate sum of money, produced at stated
+intervals, this very much inferior person was allowed to partake of a
+delicately-balanced and somewhat unvarying fare in the company of the
+engaging of both sexes, and afterwards to associate on terms of
+honourable equality with them in the chief apartment. The reason and
+manner of this one's departure are in no degree formidable to his
+refined manner of conducting any enterprise, but arose partly from an
+insufficient grasp of the more elaborate outlines of a confessedly
+involved language, and still more from a too excessive impetuousness
+in carrying out what at the time he believed to be the ambition of one
+who had come to exercise a melodious influence over his most internal
+emotions. Well remarked the Sage, "A piece of gold may be tried
+between the teeth; a written promise to pay may be disposed of at a
+sacrifice to one more credulous; but what shall be said of the wind,
+the Hoang Ho, and the way of a woman?"
+
+To contrive a pitfall for this short-sighted person's immature feet,
+certain malicious spirits had so willed it that the chief and more
+autumnal of the Maidens Blank (who, nevertheless, wore an excessively
+flower-like name), had long lavished herself upon the possession of an
+obtuse and self-assertive hound, which was in the habit of gratifying
+this inconsiderable person and those who sat around by continually
+depositing upon their unworthy garments details of its outer surface,
+and when the weather was more than usually cold, by stretching its
+graceful and refined body before the fire in such a way as to ensure
+that no one should suffer from a too acute exposure to the heat. From
+these causes, and because it was by nature a hound which even on the
+darkest night could be detected at a more than reasonable distance
+away, while at all times it did not hesitate to shake itself freely
+into the various prepared viands, this person (and doubtless others
+also) regarded it with an emotion very unfavourable towards its
+prolonged existence; but observing from the first that those who
+permitted themselves to be deposited upon, and their hands and even
+their faces to be hound-tongue-defiled with the most externally
+cheerful spirit of word suppression, invariably received the most
+desirable of the allotted portions of food, he judged it prudent and
+conducive to a settled digestion to greet it with favourable terms and
+actions, and to refer frequently to its well-displayed proportions,
+and to the agile dexterity which it certainly maintained in breathing
+into the contents of every dish. Thus the matter may be regarded as
+being positioned for a space of time.
+
+One evening I returned at the appointed gong-stroke of dinner, and was
+beginning, according to my custom, to greet the hound with
+ingratiating politeness, when the one of chief authority held up a
+reproving hand, at the same time exclaiming:
+
+"No, Mr. Kong, you must not encourage Hercules with your amiable
+condescension, for just now he is in very bad odour with us all."
+
+"Undoubtedly," replied this person, somewhat puzzled, nevertheless,
+that the imperfection should thus be referred to openly by one who
+hitherto had not hesitated to caress the hound with most intimate
+details, "undoubtedly the surrounding has a highly concentrated
+acuteness to-night, but the ever-present characteristic of the hound
+Hercules is by no means new, for whenever he is in the room--"
+
+At this point it is necessary to explain that the ceremonial etiquette
+of these barbarian outcasts is both conflicting and involved. Upon
+most of the ordinary occasions of life to obtrude oneself within the
+conversation of another is a thing not to be done, yet repeatedly when
+this unpretentious person has been relating his experience or
+inquiring into the nature and meaning of certain matters which he has
+witnessed, he has become aware that his words have been obliterated,
+as it were, and his remarks diverted from their original intention by
+the sudden and unanticipated desire of those present to express
+themselves loudly on some topic of not really engrossing interest. Not
+infrequently on such occasions every one present has spoken at once
+with concentrated anxiety upon the condition of the weather, the
+atmosphere of the room, the hour of the day, or some like detail of
+contemptible inferiority. At other times maidens of unquestionable
+politeness have sounded instruments of brass or stringed woods with
+unceasing vigour, have cast down ornaments of china, or even stood
+upon each other's--or this person's--feet with assumed inelegance.
+When, therefore, in the midst of my agreeable remark on the asserted
+no fragrance of the hound Hercules, a gentleman of habitual refinement
+struck me somewhat heavily on the back of the head with a reclining
+seat which he was conveying across the room for the acceptance of a
+lady, and immediately overwhelmed me with apologies of almost
+unnecessary profusion, my mind at once leapt to an inspired
+conclusion, and smiling acquiescently I bowed several times to each
+person to convey to them an admission of the undoubted fact that to
+the wise a timely omen before the storm is as effective as a
+thunderbolt afterwards.
+
+It chanced that there was present the exceptionally prepossessing 
+maiden to whom this person has already referred. So varied and ornate
+were her attractions that it would be incompetent in one of my less
+than average ability to attempt an adequate portrayal. She had a
+light-coloured name with the letters so harmoniously convoluted as to
+be quite beyond my inferior power of pronunciation, so that if I
+wished to refer to her in her absence I had to indicate the one I
+meant by likening her to a full-blown chrysanthemum, a piece of rare
+jade, an ivory pagoda of unapproachable antiquity, or some other
+object of admitted grace. Even this description may scarcely convey to
+you the real extent of her elegant personality; but in her presence my
+internal organs never failed to vibrate with a most entrancing
+uncertainty, and even now, at the recollection of her virtuous
+demeanour, I am by no means settled within myself.
+
+"Well," exclaimed this melodious vision, with sympathetic tact, "if
+every one is going to disown poor Hercules because he has eaten all
+our dinners, I shall be quite willing to have him, for he is a dzear
+ole loveykins, wasn't ums?" (This, O my immaculate and dignified sire,
+which I transcribe with faithful undeviation, appears to be the
+dialect of a remote province, spoken only by maidens--both young and
+of autumnal solitude--under occasional mental stress; as of a native
+of Shan-si relapsing without consciousness into his uncouth tongue
+after passing a lifetime in the Capital.) "Don't you think so too,
+Mr. Kong?"
+
+"When the sun shines the shadow falls, for truly it is said, 'To the
+faithful one even the voice of the corncrake at evening speaks of his
+absent love,'" replied this person, so engagingly disconcerted at
+being thus openly addressed by the maiden that he retained no delicate
+impression of what she said, or even of what he was replying, beyond
+an unassuming hope that the nature of his feelings might perchance be
+inoffensively revealed to her in the semblance of a discreet allegory.
+
+"Perhaps," interposed a person of neglected refinement, turning
+towards the maiden, "you would like to have a corncrake also, to remind
+you of Mr. Kong?"
+
+"I do not know what a corncrake is like," replied the maiden with
+commendable dignity. "I do not think so, however, for I once had a
+pair of canaries, and I found them very unsatisfying, insipid
+creatures. But I should love to have a little dog I am sure, only Miss
+Blank won't hear of it."
+
+"Kong Ho," thought this person inwardly, "not in vain have you burnt
+joss sticks unceasingly, for the enchanting one has said into your
+eyes that she would love to partake of a little dog. Assuredly we have
+recently consumed the cold portion of sheep on more occasions than a
+strict honourableness could require of those who pay a stated sum at
+regular intervals, and the change would be a welcome one. As she truly
+says, the flavour even of canaries is trivial and insignificant by
+comparison." During the period of dinner--which consisted of eggs and
+green herbs of the field--this person allowed the contemplation to
+grow within him, and inspired by a most pleasant and disinterested
+ambition to carry out the expressed wishes of the one who had spoken,
+he determined that the matter should be unobtrusively arranged
+despite the mercenary opposition of the Maidens Blank.
+
+This person had already learned by experience that dogs are rarely if
+ever exposed for sale in the stalls of the meat venders, the reason
+doubtless being that they are articles of excessive luxury and
+reserved by law for the rich and powerful. Those kept by private
+persons are generally closely guarded when they approach a desirable
+condition of body, and the hound Hercules would not prove an
+attractive dish to those who had known him in life. Nevertheless, it
+is well said, "The Great Wall is unsurmountable, but there are many
+gaps through," and that same evening I was able to carry the first
+part of my well-intentioned surprise into effect.
+
+The matter now involves one named Herbert, who having exchanged gifts
+of betrothal with a maiden staying at the house, was in the habit of
+presenting himself openly, when he was permitted to see her, after the
+manner of these barbarians. (Yet even of them the more discriminating
+acknowledge that our customs are immeasurably superior; for when I
+explained to the aged father of the Maidens Blank that among us the
+marriage rites are irrevocably performed before the bride is seen
+unveiled by man, he sighed heavily and exclaimed that the parents of
+this country had much to learn.)
+
+The genial-minded Herbert had already acquired for himself the
+reputation of being one who ceaselessly removes the gravity of others,
+both by word and action, and from the first he selected this obscure
+person for his charitable purpose to a most flattering extent. Not
+only did he--on the pretext that his memory was rebellious--invariably
+greet me as "Mr. Hong Kong," but on more than one occasion he
+insisted, with mirth-provoking reference to certain details of my
+unbecoming garments, that I must surely have become confused and sent
+a Mrs. Hong Kong instead of myself, and frequently he undermined the
+gravity of all most successfully by pulling me backwards suddenly by
+the pigtail, with the plea that he imagined he was picking up his
+riding-whip. This attractive person was always accompanied by a
+formidable dog--of convex limbs, shrunken lip, and suspicious
+demeanour--which he called Influenza, to the excessive amusement of
+those to whom he related its characteristics. For some inexplicable
+reason from the first it regarded my lower apparel as being unsuitable
+for the ordinary occasions of life, and in spite of the low hissing
+call by which its master endeavoured to attract its attention to
+himself, it devoted its energies unceasingly to the self-imposed task
+of removing them fragment by fragment. Nevertheless it was a dog of
+favourable size and condition, and it need not therefore be a matter
+for surprise that when the intellectual person Herbert took his
+departure on the day in question it had to be assumed that it had
+already preceded him. Having accomplished so much, this person found
+little difficulty in preparing it tastefully in his own apartment,
+and making the substitution on the following day.
+
+Although his mind was confessedly enlarged at the success of his
+venture, and his hopes most ornamentally coloured at the thought of
+the adorable one's gratified esteem when she discovered how expertly
+her wishes had been carried out, this person could not fail to notice
+that the Maiden Blank was also materially agitated when she
+distributed the contents of the dish before her.
+
+"Will you, of your enlightened courtesy, accept, and overlook the
+deficiencies of, a portion of rabbit-pie, O high-souled Mr. Kong?" she
+inquired gracefully when this insignificant person was reached, and,
+concealing my many-hued emotion beneath an impassive face, I bowed
+agreeably as I replied, "To the beggar, black bread is a royal
+course."
+
+"WHAT pie did you say, dear?" whispered another autumnal maiden,
+when all had partaken somewhat, and at her words a most consistently
+acute silence involved the table.
+
+"I--I don't quite know," replied the one of the upper end, becoming
+excessively devoid of complexion; and restraining her voice she
+forthwith sent down an attending slave to inquire closely.
+
+At this point a person of degraded ancestry endeavoured to remove the
+undoubted cloud of depression by feigning the nocturnal cry of the
+domestic cat; but in this he was not successful, and a maiden
+opposite, after fixedly regarding a bone on her plate, withdrew
+suddenly, embracing herself as she went. A moment later the slave
+returned, proclaiming aloud that the dish which had been prepared for
+the occasion had now been accidentally discovered by the round-bodied
+cook beneath the cushions of an arm-chair (a spot by no means
+satisfactory to this person's imagination had the opportunities at his
+disposal been more diffuse).
+
+"What, then, is this of which we have freely partaken?" cried they
+around, and, in the really impressive silence which followed, an
+inopportune person discovered a small silver tablet among the
+fragments upon his plate, and, taking it up, read aloud the single
+word, "Influenza."
+
+During the day, and even far into the uncounted gong-strokes of the
+time of darkness, this person had frequently remained in a fascinated
+contemplation of the moment when he should reveal himself and stand up
+to receive the benevolently-expressed congratulations of all who paid
+an agreed sum at fixed intervals, and, particularly, the dazzling
+though confessedly unsettling glance-thanks of the celestially-formed
+maiden who had explicitly stated that she was desirous of having a
+little dog. Now, however, when this part of the enterprise ought to
+have taken place, I found myself unable to evade the conclusion that
+some important detail of the entire scheme had failed to agree
+harmoniously with the rest, and, had it been possible, I would have
+retired with unobtrusive tact and permitted another to wear
+my honourable acquirements. But, for some reason, as I looked around I
+perceived that every eye was fixed upon me with what at another time
+would have been a most engaging unanimity, and, although I bowed with
+undeterred profusion, and endeavoured to walk out behind an expression
+of all-comprehensive urbanity that had never hitherto failed me, a
+person of unsympathetic outline placed himself before the door, and
+two others, standing one on each side of me, gave me to understand
+that a recital of the full happening was required before I left the
+room.
+                                  *
+
+It is hopeless to expect a display of refined intelligence at the
+hands of a people sunk in barbarism and unacquainted with the
+requirements of true dignity and the essentials of food preparation.
+On the manner of behaving of the male portion of those present this
+person has no inducement whatever to linger. Even the maiden for whom
+he had accomplished so much, after the nature of the misunderstanding
+had been made plain to her, uttered only a single word of approval,
+which, on subsequently consulting a book of interpretations, this
+person found to indicate: "A person of weak intellect; one without an
+adequate sense of the proportion and fitness of things; a buffoon; a
+jester; a compound of gooseberries scalded and crushed with cream";
+but although each of these definitions may in a way be regarded as
+applicable, he is still unable to decide which was the precise one
+intended.
+
+With salutations of filial regard, and in a spirit seven times refined
+by affliction and purified by vain regrets.
+
+KONG HO.
+(Upon whose tablet posterity will perchance inscribe the titles,
+"Ill-destined but Misjudged.")
+
+
+
+
+LETTER III
+
+
+Concerning the virtuous amusements of both old and young. The
+sit-round games. The masterpiece of the divine Li Tang, and
+its reception by all, including that same Herbert.
+
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE (whose breadth of mind is so well developed as to take
+for granted boundless filial professions, which, indeed, become vapid
+by a too frequent reiteration),--
+
+Your amiable inquiry as to how the barbarians pass their time, when
+not employed in affairs of commerce or in worshipping their ancestors,
+has inspired me to examine the matter more fully. At the same time
+your pleasantly-composed aphorism that the interior nature of persons
+does not vary with the colour of their eyes, and that if I searched I
+should find the old flying kites and the younger kicking feather
+balls or working embroidery, according to their sex, does not appear
+to be accurately sustained.
+
+The lesser ones, it is true, engage in a variety of sumptuous
+handicrafts, such as the scorching of wooden tablets with the
+semblance of a pattern, and gouging others with sharpened implements
+into a crude relief; depicting birds and flowers upon the surface of
+plates, rending leather into shreds, and entwining beaten iron, brass,
+and copper into a diversity of most ingenious complications; but when
+I asked a maiden of affectionate and domesticated appearance whether
+she had yet worked her age-stricken father's coffin-cloth, she said
+that the subject was one upon which she declined to jest, and rapidly
+involving herself in a profuse display of emotion, she withdrew,
+leaving this one aghast.
+
+To enable my mind to retranquillise, I approached a youth of
+highly-gilded appearance, and, with many predictions of
+self-inferiority, I suggested that we should engage in the stimulating
+rivalry of feather ball. When he learned, however, that the diversion
+consisted in propelling upwards a feather-trimmed chip by striking it
+against the side of the foot, he candidly replied that he was afraid
+he had grown out of shuttle-cock, but did not mind, if I was
+vigorously inclined, "taking me on for a set of yang-pong."
+
+Old men here, it is said, do not fly kites, and they affect to despise
+catching flies for amusement, although they frequently go fishing.
+Struck by this peculiarity, I put it in the form of an inquiry to one
+of venerable appearance, why, when at least five score flies were
+undeniably before his eyes, he preferred to recline for lengthy
+periods by the side of a stream endeavouring to snare creatures of
+whose existence he himself had never as yet received any adequate
+proof. Doubtless in my contemptible ignorance, however, I used some
+word inaccurately, for those who stood around suffered themselves
+to become amused, and the one in question replied with no pretence of
+amiable condescension that the jest had already been better expressed
+a hundred times, and that I would find the behind parts of a printed
+leaf called "Punch" in the bookcase. Not being desirous of carrying on
+a conversation of which I felt that I had misplaced the most highly
+rectified ingredient, I bowed repeatedly, and replied affably that
+wisdom ruled his left side and truth his right.
+
+It was upon this same occasion that a young man of unprejudiced
+wide-mindedness, taking me aside, asserted that the matter had not been
+properly set forth when I was inquiring about kites. Both old and
+young men, he continued, frequently endeavoured to fly kites, even in
+the involved heart of the city. He had tried once or twice himself,
+but never with encouraging success, chiefly, he was told, because his
+paper was not good enough. Many people, he added, would not scruple to
+mislead me with evasive ambiguity on this one subject owing to an
+ill-balanced conception of what constituted true dignity, but he was
+unwilling that his countrymen should be thought by mine to be sunk
+into a deeper barbarism than actually existed.
+
+His warning was not inopportune. Seated next to this person at a later
+period was a maiden from whose agreeably-poised lips had hitherto
+proceeded nothing but sincerity and fact. Watching her closely I asked
+her, as one who only had a languid interest either one way or the
+other, whether her revered father or her talented and
+richly-apparelled brothers ever spent their time flying kites about
+the city. In spite of a most efficient self-control her colour changed
+at my words, and her features trembled for a moment, but quickly
+reverting to herself she replied that she thought not; then--as though
+to subdue my suspicions more completely--that she was sure they did
+not, as the kites would certainly frighten the horses and the
+appointed watchmen of the street would not allow it. She confessed,
+however, with unassumed candour, that the immediate descendants of her
+sister were gracefully proficient in the art.
+
+From this, great and enlightened one, you will readily perceive how
+misleading an impression might be carried away by a person
+scrupulously-intentioned but not continually looking both ways, when
+placed among a people endowed with the uneasy suspicion of the
+barbarian and struggling to assert a doubtful refinement. Apart from
+this, there has to be taken into consideration their involved process
+of reasoning, and the unexpectedly different standards which they
+apply to every subject.
+
+At the house of the Maidens Blank, when the evening was not spent in
+listening to melodious voices and the harmony of stringed woods, it
+was usual to take part in sit-round games of various kinds. (And while
+it is on his brush this person would say with commendable pride that a
+well-trained musician among us can extort more sound from a hollow
+wooden pig, costing only a few cash, than the most skilful here ever
+attain on their largest instrument--a highly-lacquered coffin on legs,
+filled with bells and hidden springs, and frequently sold for a
+thousand taels.)
+
+Upon a certain evening, at the conclusion of one sit-round game which
+involved abrupt music, a barrier of chairs, and the exhilarating
+possibility of being sat upon by the young and vivacious in their
+zeal, a person of the company turned suddenly to the one who is
+communicating with you and said enticingly, "Why did Birdcage Walk?"
+
+Not judging from his expression that this was other than a polite
+inquiry on a matter which disturbed his repose, I was replying that
+the manifestation was undoubtedly the work of a vexatious demon which
+had taken up its abode in the article referred to, when another, by my
+side, cried aloud, "Because it envied Queen Anne's Gate"; and without
+a pause cast back the question, "Who carved The Poultry?"
+
+In spite of the apparent simplicity of the demand it was received by
+all in an attitude of complicated doubt, and this person was
+considering whether he might not acquire distinction by replying that
+such an office fell by custom to the lot of the more austere Maiden
+Blank, when the very inadequate reply, "Mark Lane with St. Mary's
+Axe," was received with applause and some observations in a half-tone
+regarding the identity of the fowl.
+
+By the laws of the sit-round games the one who had last spoken now
+proclaimed himself, demanding to know, "Why did Battersea Rise?" but
+the involvement was evidently superficial, for the maiden at whose
+memory this one's organs still vibrate ignobly at once replied,
+"Because it thought Clapham Common," in turn inquiring, "What made the
+Marble Arch?"
+
+Although I would have willingly sacrificed to an indefinite extent to
+be furnished with the preconcerted watchword, so that I might have
+enlarged myself in the eyes of this consecrated being's unapproachable
+esteem, I had already decided that the competition was too intangible
+for one whose thoughts lay in well-defined parallel lines, and it fell
+to another to reply, "To hear Salisbury Court."
+
+This, O my broad-minded ancestor of the first degree--an aimless
+challenge coupled with the name of one recognisable spot, replied to
+by the haphazard retort of another place, frequently in no way joined
+to it, was regarded as an exceptionally fascinating sit-round game by
+a company of elderly barbarians!
+
+"What couldn't Walbrook?" it might be, and "Such Cheapside," would be
+deemed a praiseworthy solution. "When did King's Bench Walk?" would be
+asked, and to reply, "When Gray's Inn Road," covered the one with
+overpowering acclamation. "Bevis Marks only an Inner Circle at The
+Butts; why?" was a demand of such elaborate complexity that (although
+this person was lured out of his self-imposed restraint by the silence
+of all round, and submerging his intelligence to an acquired level,
+unobtrusively suggested, "Because Aylesbury ducks, perchance") it fell
+to the one propounding to announce, "Because St. John's Wood Shoot-up
+Hill."
+
+Admittedly it is written, "When the shutter is fastened the girdle is
+loosened," but it is as truly said, "Not in the head, nor yet in the
+feet, but in the organs of digestion does wisdom reside," and even in
+jesting the middle course of neither an excessive pride nor an
+absolute weak-mindedness is to be observed. With what concrete pangs
+of acute mental distress would this person ever behold his immaculate
+progenitor taking part in a similar sit-round game with an assembly of
+worthy mandarins, the one asking questions of meaningless import, as
+"Why did they Hangkow?" and another replying in an equal strain of no
+consecutiveness, "In order to T'in Tung!"
+
+At length a person who is spoken of as having formerly been the
+captain of a band of warriors turned to me with an unsuspected absence
+of ferocity and said, "Your countrymen are very proficient in the art
+of epigram, are they not, Mr. Kong? Will you not, in turn, therefore,
+favour us with an example?" Whereupon several maidens exclaimed with
+engaging high temper, "Oh yes; do ask us some funny Chinese riddles,
+Mr. Kong!"
+
+"Assuredly there are among us many classical instances of the light
+sayings which require matching," I replied, gratified that I should
+have the opportunity of showing their superiority. "One, harmonious
+beyond the blend of challenge and retort, is as follows--'The Phoenix
+embroidered upon the side of the shoe: When the shoe advances the
+Phoenix leaps forward.'"
+
+"Oh!" cried several of the maidens, and from the nature of their
+glances it might reasonably be gathered that already they began to
+recognise the inferiority of their own sayings.
+
+"Is that the question, or the answer, or both?" asked a youth of
+unfledged maturity, and to hide their conscious humiliation several
+persons allowed their faces to melt away.
+
+"That which has been expressed," replied this person with an
+ungrudging toleration, "is the first or question portion of the
+contrast. The answer is that which will be supplied by your honourable
+condescension."
+
+"But," interposed one of the maidens, "it isn't really a question, you
+know, Mr. Kong."
+
+"In a way of regarding it, it may be said to be question, inasmuch as
+it requires an answer to establish the comparison. The most pleasing
+answer is that which shall be dissimilar in idea, and yet at the same
+time maintain the most perfect harmony of parallel thought," I
+replied. "Now permit your exceptional minds to wander in a forest of
+similitudes: 'The Phoenix embroidered upon the side of the shoe: When
+the shoe advances the Phoenix leaps forward.'"
+
+"Oh, if that's all you want," said the one Herbert, who by an ill
+destiny chanced to be present, "'The red-hot poker held before the
+Cat's nose: When the poker advances the Cat leaps backwards.'"
+
+"Oh, very good!" cried several of those around, "of course it
+naturally would. Is that right, Mr. Kong?"
+
+"If the high-souled company is satisfied, then it must be, for there
+is no conclusive right or wrong--only an unending search for that
+which is most gem-set and resourceful," replied this person, with an
+ever-deepening conviction of no enthusiasm towards the sit-round game.
+"But," he added, resolved to raise for a moment the canopy of a mind
+swan-like in its crystal many-sidedness, and then leave them to their
+own ineptitude, "for five centuries nothing has been judged equal to
+the solution offered by Li Tang. At the time he was presented with a
+three-sided banner of silk with the names of his eleven immediate
+ancestors embroidered upon it in seven colours, and his own name is
+still handed down in imperishable memory."
+
+"Oh, do tell us what it was," cried many. "It must have been clever."
+
+"'The Dragon painted upon the face of the fan: When the fan is shaken
+the Dragon flies upwards,'" replied this person.
+
+It cannot be denied that this was received with an attitude of
+respectful melancholy strikingly complimentary to the wisdom of the
+gifted Li Tang. But whether it may be that the time was too short to
+assimilate the more subtle delicacies of the saying, or whether the
+barbarian mind is inherently devoid of true balance, this person was
+panged most internally to hear one say to another as he went out, "Do
+you know, I really think that Herbert's was much the better answer of
+the two--more realistic, and what you might expect at the pantomime."
+                                  *
+
+A like inability to grasp with a clear and uninvolved vision,
+permeates not only the triviality of a sit-round game but even the
+most important transactions of existence.
+
+Shortly after his arrival in the Island, this person was initiated by
+the widely-esteemed Quang-Tsun into the private life of one whose
+occupation was that of a Law-giver, where he frequently drank tea on
+terms of mutual cordiality. Upon such an occasion he was one day
+present, conversing with the lesser ones of the household--the head
+thereof being absent, setting forth the Law in the Temple--when one of
+the maidens cried out with amiable vivacity, "Why, Mr. Kong, you say
+such consistently graceful things of the ladies you have met over
+here, that we shall expect you to take back an English wife with you.
+But perhaps you are already married in China?"
+
+"The conclusion is undeviating in its accuracy," replied this person,
+unable to evade the allusion. "To Ning, Hia-Fa and T'ain Yen, as the
+matter stands."
+
+"Ning Hia-Fa An T'ain Yen!" exclaimed the wife of the Law-giver
+pleasantly. "What an important name. Can you pardon our curiosity and
+tell us what she is like?"
+
+"Ning, Hia-Fa AND T'ain Yen," repeated this person, not submitting to
+be deprived of the consequence of two wives without due protest.
+"Three names, three wives. Three very widely separated likes."
+
+At this in no way boastfully uttered statement the agreeably outlined
+surface of the faces around variated suddenly, the effect being one
+which I have frequently observed in the midst of my politest
+expressions of felicity. For a moment, indeed, I could not disguise
+from myself that the one who had made the inquiry stretched forth her
+lotus-like hand towards the secret spring by which it is customary to
+summon the attending slaves from the underneath parts, but restraining
+herself with the manner of one who would desire to make less of a
+thing that it otherwise might seem, she turned to me again.
+
+"How nice!" she murmured. "What a pity you did not bring them all with
+you, Mr. Kong. They would have been a great acquisition."
+
+"Yet it must be well weighed," I replied, not to be out-complimented
+touching one another, "that here they would have met so many fine and
+superior gentlemen that they might have become dissatisfied with my
+less than average prepossessions."
+
+"I wonder if they did not think of that in your case, and refuse to
+let you come," said one of the maidens.
+
+"The various persons must not be regarded as being on their all
+fours," I replied, anxious that there should be no misunderstanding on
+this point. "They, of course, reside within one inner chamber, but
+there would be no duplicity in this one adding indefinitely to the
+number."
+
+"Of course not; how silly of me!" exclaimed the maiden. "What splendid
+musical evenings you can have. But tell me, Mr. Kong (ought it not to
+be Messrs. Kong, mamma?), if a girl married you here would she be
+legally married to you in China?"
+
+"Oh yes," replied this person positively.
+
+"But could you not, by your own laws, have the marriage set aside
+whenever you wished?"
+
+"Assuredly," I admitted. "It is so appointed."
+
+"Then how could she be legally married?" she persisted, with really
+unbecoming suspicion.
+
+"Legally married, legally unmarried," replied this person, quite
+distressed within himself at not being able to understand the
+difficulty besetting her. "All perfectly legal and honourably
+observed."
+
+"I think, Gwendoline--" said the one of authority, and although the
+matter was no further expressed, by an instinct which he was powerless
+to avert, this person at once found himself rising with ceremonious
+partings.
+
+Not desiring that the obstacle should remain so inadequately swept
+away, I have turned my presumptuous footsteps in the direction of the
+Law-giver's house on several later occasions, but each time the word
+of the slave guarding the door has been that they of the household,
+down even to those of the most insignificant degree of kinship, have
+withdrawn to a distant and secluded spot.
+
+With renewed assurances that the enterprise is being gracefully
+conducted, however ill-digested and misleading these immature
+compositions may appear.
+
+KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER IV
+
+
+Concerning a desire to expatiate upon subjects of
+philosophical importance and its no accomplishment. Three
+examples of the mental concavity sunk into by these
+barbarians. An involved episode which had the outward
+appearance of being otherwise than what it was.
+
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE (whose genial liberality on all necessary occasions is
+well remembered by this person in his sacrifices, with the titles
+"Benevolent" and "Open-sleeved"),--
+
+I had it in my head at one time to tell you somewhat of the Classics
+most reverenced in this country, of the philosophical opinions which
+prevail, and to enlighten you generally upon certain other subjects of
+distinguished eminence. As the deities arranged, however, it chanced
+that upon my way to a reputable quarter of the city where the
+actuality of these matters can be learnt with the least evasion, my
+footsteps were drawn aside by an incident which now permeates my
+truth-laden brush to the exclusion of all else.
+
+But in the first place, if it be permitted for a thoroughly
+untrustworthy son to take so presumptuous a liberty with an
+unvaryingly sagacious father, let this one entreat you to regard
+everything he writes in a very wide-headed spirit of looking at the
+matter from all round. My former letters will have readily convinced
+you that much that takes place here, even among those who can afford
+long finger-nails, would not be tolerated in Yuen-ping, and in order
+to avoid the suspicion that I am suffering from a serious injury to
+the head, or have become a prey to a conflicting demon, it will be
+necessary to continue an even more highly-sustained tolerant
+alertness. This person himself has frequently suffered the ill effects
+of rashly assuming that because he is conducting the adventure in a
+prepossessing spirit his efforts will be honourably received, as when
+he courteously inquired the ages of a company of maidens into whose
+presence he was led, and complimented the one whom he was desirous of
+especially gratifying by assuring her that she had every appearance of
+being at least twice the nine-and-twenty years to which she modestly
+laid claim.
+
+Upon another occasion I entered a barber's stall, and finding it
+oppressively hot within, I commanded the attendant to carry a
+reclining stool into the street and there shave my lower limbs and
+anoint my head. As he hesitated to obey--doubtless on account of the
+trivial labour involved--I repeated my words in a tone of fuller
+authority, holding out the inducement of a just payment when he
+complied, and assuring him that he would certainly be dragged before
+the nearest mandarin and tortured if he held his joints stiffly. At
+this he evidently understood his danger, for obsequiously protesting
+that he was only a barber of very mean attainments, and that his
+deformed utensils were quite inadequate for the case, he very
+courteously directed me in inquire for a public chariot bound for a
+quarter called Colney Hatch (the place of commerce, it is reasonable
+to infer, of the higher class barbers), and, seating myself in it,
+instruct the attendant to put me down at the large gates, where they
+possessed every requisite appliance, and also would, if desirable,
+shave my head also. Here the incident assumes a more doubtful guise,
+for, notwithstanding the admitted politeness of the one who spoke,
+each of those to whom I subsequently addressed myself on the subject,
+presented to me a face quite devoid of encouragement. While none
+actually pointed out the vehicle I sought, many passed on in a state
+of inward contemplation without replying, and some--chiefly the
+attendants of other chariots of a similar kind--replied in what I
+deemed to be a spirit of elusive metaphor, as he who asserted that
+such a conveyance must be sought for at a point known intimately as
+the Aldgate Pump, whence it started daily at half-past the thirteenth
+gong-stroke; and another, who maintained that I had no prospect of
+reaching the desired spot until I secured the services of one of a
+class of female attendants who wear flowing blue robes in order to
+indicate that they are prepared to encounter and vanquish any
+emergency in life. To make no elaborate pretence in the matter this
+person may definitely admit that he never did reach the place in
+question, nor--in spite of a diligent search in which he has
+encountered much obloquy--has he yet found any barber sufficiently
+well equipped to undertake the detail.
+
+Even more recently I suffered the unmerited rebuke of the superficial
+through performing an act of deferential politeness. Learning that the
+enlightened and magnanimous sovereign of this country was setting out
+on a journey I stationed myself in the forefront of those who stood
+before his palace, intending to watch such parts of the procession as
+might be fitly witnessed by one of my condition. When these had
+passed, and the chariot of the greatest approached, I respectfully
+turned my back to the road with a propitiatory gesture, as of one who
+did not deem himself worthy even to look upon a being of such majestic
+rank and acknowledged excellence. This delicate action, by some
+incredible process of mental obliquity, was held by those around to be
+a deliberate insult, if not even a preconcerted signal, of open
+treachery, and had not a heaven-sent breeze at that moment carried the
+hat of a very dignified bystander into the upper branches of an
+opportune tree, and successfully turned aside the attention of the
+assembly into a most immoderate exhibition of utter loss of gravity, I
+should undoubtedly have been publicly tortured, if not actually torn
+to pieces.
+
+But the incident first alluded to was of an even more
+elaborately-contrived density than these, and some of the details are
+still unrolled before the keenest edge of this one's inner perception.
+Nevertheless, all is now set down in unbroken exactness for your
+impartial judgment.
+
+At the time of this exploit I had only ventured out on a few
+occasions, and then, save those recorded, to no considerable extent;
+for it had already become obvious that the enterprises in which I
+persistently became involved never contributed to my material
+prosperity, and the disappointment of finding that even when I could
+remember nine words of a sentence in their language none of the
+barbarians could understand even so much as a tenth of my own, further
+cast down my enthusiasm.
+
+On the day which has been the object of this person's narration from
+the first, he set out to become more fully instructed in the subjects
+already indicated, and proceeding in a direction of which he had no
+actual knowledge, he soon found himself in a populous and degraded
+quarter of the city. Presently, to his reasonable astonishment, he saw
+before him at a point where two ill-constructed thoroughfares met, a
+spacious and important building, many-storied in height, ornamented
+with a profusion of gold and crystal, marble and precious stones, and
+displaying from a tall pole the three-hued emblem of undeniable
+authority. A never-ending stream of people passed in and out by the
+numerous doors; the strains of expertly wielded instruments could be
+distinctly heard inside, and the warm odour of a most prepossessing
+spiced incense permeated the surroundings. "Assuredly," thought the
+person who is now recording the incident, "this is one of the Temples
+of barbarian worship"; and to set all further doubt at rest he saw in
+letters of gilt splendour a variety of praiseworthy and appropriate
+inscriptions, among which he read and understood, "Excellent," "Fine
+Old," "Well Matured," "Spirits only of the choicest quality within,"
+together with many other invocations from which he could not wrest the
+hidden significance, as "Old Vatted," "Barclay's Entire," "An Ordinary
+at One," and the like.
+
+By this time an impressive gathering had drawn around, and from its
+manner of behaving conveyed the suspicion that an entertainment or
+manifestation of some kind was confidently awaited. To disperse so
+outrageous a misconception this person was on the point of withdrawing
+himself when he chanced to see, over the principal door of the Temple,
+a solid gold figure of colossal magnitude, represented as crowned with
+leaves and tendrils, and holding in his outstretched hands a gigantic,
+and doubtless symbolic, bunch of grapes. "This," I said to myself, "is
+evidently the tutelary deity of the place, so displayed to receive the
+worship of the passer-by." With the discovery a thought of the most
+irreproachable benevolence possessed me. "Why should not this person,"
+I reflected, "gain the unstinted approbation of those barbarians"
+(who by this time completely encircled me in) "by doing obeisance
+towards their deity, and by the same act delicately and inoffensively
+rebuke them for their own too-frequent intolerable attitude towards
+the susceptibilities of others? As an unprejudiced follower, in his
+own land, of the systems of Confucius, Lao-tse, and Buddha, this
+person already recognises the claims of seventeen thousand nine
+hundred and thirty-three deities of various grades, so that the
+addition of one more to that number can be a heresy of very trivial
+expiation." Inspired by these honourable sentiments, therefore, I at
+once prostrated myself on the ground, and, amid a silence of really
+illimitable expectation, I began to kow-tow repeatedly with
+ceremonious precision.
+
+At this display of charitable broadmindedness an approving shout went
+up on all sides. Thus encouraged I proceeded to kow-tow with even more
+unceasing assiduousness, and presently words of definite encouragement
+mingled with the shout. "Do not flag in your amiable
+disinterestedness, Kong Ho," I whispered in my ear, "and out of your
+well-sustained endurance may perchance arise a cordial understanding,
+and ultimately a remunerative alliance between two distinguished
+nations." Filled with this patriotic hope I did not suffer my neck to
+stiffen, and doubtless I would have continued the undertaking as long
+as the sympathetic persons who hemmed me in signified their refined
+approval, when suddenly the cry was raised, "Look out, here comes the
+coppers!"
+
+This, O my venerable-headed father, I at once guessed to be the
+announcement heralding the collecting-bowl which some over-zealous
+bystander was preparing to pass round on my behalf, doubtless under
+the impression--so obtuse in grasping the true relationship of events
+are many of the barbarians--that I was a wandering monk, displaying my
+reverence for the purpose of mendicancy. Not wishing to profit by this
+offensive misapprehension, I was preparing to rise, when a hand was
+unceremoniously laid upon my shoulder, and turning round I saw behind
+me one of the official watch--a class of men so powerful that at a
+gesture from their uplifted hands even the fiercest untamed horse will
+not infrequently stand upon its hind legs in mute submission.
+
+"Early morning salutations," I said pleasantly, though somewhat
+involved in speech by my exertion (for these persons are ever to be
+treated with discriminating courtesy). "Prosperity to your house, O
+energetic street-watcher, and a thousand grandsons to worship their
+illustrious ancestor."
+
+"Thanks," he replied concisely. "I'm a single man. As yet. Now then,
+will you make a way there? Can you stand?"
+
+"Stand?" repeated this person, at once recognising one of the
+important words of inner meaning concerning which he had been
+initiated by the versatile Quang-Tsun. "Certainly this person will not
+hesitate to establish his footing if the exaction is thought to be
+desirable. Let us, therefore, bend our steps in the direction of a
+tea-house of unquestionable propriety."
+
+"You've bent your steps into quite enough tea-houses, as you call
+them, for one day," replied the official with evasive meaning, at the
+same time assisting me to rise (for it need not be denied that the
+restrained position had made me for the moment incapable of a
+self-sustaining effort). "Look what you've done."
+
+At the direction of his glance I cast my eyes along the street, east
+and west, and for the first time I became aware that what I had last
+seen as a reasonable gathering had now taken the proportions of an
+innumerable multitude which filled the entire space of the
+thoroughfare, while others covered the roofs above and protruded
+themselves from every available window. In our own land the
+interspersal of umbrellas, musical instruments, and banners, with an
+occasional firework, would have given a greater animation to the
+scene; but with this exception I have never taken part in a more
+impressive and well-extended procession. Even while I looked, the
+helmets of other official watchers appeared in the distance, as
+immature junks upon the storm-tossed Whang-Hai, apparently striving
+fruitlessly to reach us.
+
+As I was by no means sure what attitude was expected of me, I smiled
+with an all-embracing approval, and signified to the one at my side,
+by way of passing the time pleasurably together, that the likelihood
+of his nimble-witted friends reaching us with unruffled garments was
+remote in the extreme.
+
+"Don't you let that worry you, Li Hung Chang," he said, in a tone that
+had the appearance of being outside itself around a deeper and more
+bitter significance; "if we get out again with any garments at all it
+won't be your fault. Why, you--well, YOU ought to have been put on the
+Black List long ago, by rights."
+
+This, exalted one, although I have not yet been able to learn the
+exact dignity of it from any of the books of civil honours, is
+undoubtedly a mark of signal attainment, conferred upon the few for
+distinguishing themselves by some particular capacity; as our Double
+Dragon, for instance. Anxious to learn something of the privileges of
+the rank from one who evidently was not without influence in the
+bestowal, and not unwilling to show him that I was by no means of
+low-caste descent, I said to the official, "In his own country one of
+this person's ancestors wore the Decoration of the Yellow Scabbard,
+which entitled him to be carried in his chair up to the gate of the
+Forbidden Palace before descending to touch the ground. Is this Order
+of the Black List of a like purport?"
+
+"You're right," he said, "it is. In this country it entitles you to be
+carried right inside the door at Bow Street without ever touching the
+ground. Look out! Now we shall not--"
+
+At that moment what this person at first assumed to be a floral
+tribute, until he saw that not only the entire plant, but the
+earthenware jar also were attached, struck the official upon the
+helmet, whereupon, drawing a concealed club, he ceased speaking.
+
+How the entertainment was conducted to such a development this person
+is totally inadequate to express; but in an incredibly short space of
+time the scene became one of most entrancing variety. From every
+visible point around the air became filled with commodities
+which--though doubtless without set intention--fittingly represented
+the arts, manufactures, and natural history of this resourceful
+country, all cast in prolific abundance at the feet of the official
+and myself, although the greater part inevitably struck our heads and
+bodies before reaching them. Beyond our immediate circle, as it may be
+expressed, the crowd never ceased to press forward with resistless
+activity, and among it could be seen occasionally the official
+watchmen advancing self-reliantly, though frequently without helmets,
+and, not less often, the helmets advancing without the official
+watchmen. To add to the acknowledged interest, every person present
+was proclaiming his views freely on a diversity of subjects, and above
+all could be heard the clear notes of the musical instruments by which
+the officials sought to encourage one another in their extremity, and
+to deaden the cries of those whom they outclubbed.
+
+Despite this person's repeated protests that the distinction was too
+excessive, he was plucked from hand to hand irresistibly among those
+around, losing a portion of his ill-made attire at each step, so
+agreeably anxious were all to detain him. Just when the exploit seemed
+likely to have a disagreeable ending, however, he was thrust heavily
+against a door which yielded, and at once barring it behind him, he
+passed across the open space into which it led, along a passage
+between two walls, and thence through an involved labyrinth and
+beneath the waters of a canal into a wood of attractive seclusion.
+Here this person remained, spending the time in a profitable
+meditation, until the light withdrew and the great sky lantern had
+ascended. Then he cautiously crept forth, and after some further
+trivial episodes which chiefly concern the obstinate-headed slave
+guarding the outer door of a tea-house, an unintelligent maiden in the
+employment of one vending silk-embroidered raiment, the mercenary
+controller of a two-wheeled chariot and the sympathetic and opportune
+arrival of a person seated upon a funeral car, he succeeded in
+reaching the place of his abode.
+
+With unalterable affection and a material request that an unstinted
+adequacy of new garments may be sent by a sure and speedy hand.
+
+KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER V
+
+
+Concerning the neglect of ancestors and its discreditable
+consequences. Two who state the matter definitely. Concerning
+the otherside way of looking at things and the
+self-contradictory bearing of the maiden Florence.
+
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE,--A discovery of overwhelming malignity oppresses me.
+In spite of much baffling ambiguity and the frequent evasion of
+conscious guilt, there can be no longer any reasonable doubt that
+these barbarians DO NOT WORSHIP THEIR ANCESTORS!
+
+Hitherto the matter had rested in my mind as an uneasy breath of
+suspicion, agitated from time to time by countless indications that
+such a possibility might, indeed, exist in a condensed form, but too
+inauspiciously profane to be contemplated in the altogether. Thus,
+when in the company of the young this person has walked about the
+streets of the city, he may at length have said, "Truly, out of your
+amiable condescension, you have shown me a variety of entrancing
+scenes. Let us now in turn visit the tombs of your ancestors, to the
+end that I may transmit fitting gifts to their spirits and discharge a
+few propitious fireworks as a greeting." Yet in no case has this
+well-intentioned offer been agilely received, one asserting that he
+did not know the resting-place of the tombs in question, a second that
+he had no ancestors, a third that Kensal Green was not an entrancing
+spot for a wet afternoon, a fourth that he would see them removed to a
+greater distance first, another that he drew the line at mafficking in
+a cemetery, and the like. These things, it may occur to your
+omniscience, might in themselves have been conclusive, yet the next
+reference to the matter would perhaps be tending to a more alluring
+hope.
+
+"To-morrow," a person has remarked in the hearing of this one, "I go
+to the Stratford which is upon the Avon, and without a pause I shall
+prostrate myself intellectually before the immortal Shakespeare's tomb
+and worship his unequalled memory."
+
+"The intention is benevolently conceived," I remarked. "Yet has he no
+descendants, this same Shakespeare, that the conciliation of his
+spirit must be left to chance?"
+
+When he assured me that this calamity had come about, I would have
+added a richly-gilded brick from my store for transmission also, in
+the hope that the neglected and capricious shadow would grant me an
+immunity from its resentful attention, but the one in question raised
+a barrier of dissent. If I wished to adorn a tomb, he added (evading
+the deeper significance of the act), there was that of Goldsmith
+within its Temple, upon which many impressionable maidens from across
+the Bitter Waters of the West make it a custom to deposit chaplets of
+verses, in the hope of seeing the offering chronicled in the papers;
+and in the Open Space called Trafalgar there were the images of a
+great captain who led many junks to victory and the Emperor of a
+former dynasty, where doubtless the matter could be arranged; but the
+surrounding had by this time become too involved, and this person had
+no alternative but to smile symmetrically and reply that his words
+were indeed opals falling from a topaz basin.
+
+Later in the day, being desirous of becoming instructed more
+definitely, I addressed myself to a venerable person who makes clean
+the passage of the way at a point not far distant.
+
+"If you have no sons to extend your industrious line," I said, when he
+had revealed this fact to me, "why do you not adopt one to that end?"
+
+With narrow-minded covetousness, he replied that nowadays he had
+enough to do to keep himself, and that it would be more reasonable to
+get some one to adopt HIM.
+
+"But," I exclaimed, ignoring this ill-timed levity, "who, when you
+have Passed Beyond, will worship you and transmit to your spirit the
+necessities of life?"
+
+"Governor," he replied, using the term of familiar dignity, "I've made
+shift without being worshipped for five and sixty years, and it
+worries me a sight more to know who will transmit to my body the
+necessities of life until I HAVE Passed Beyond."
+
+"The final consequences of your self-opinionated carelessness," this
+person continued, "will be that your neglected and unprovided shadow,
+finding itself no longer acceptable to the society of the better class
+demons, will wander forth, and allying itself in despair to the
+companionship of a band of outcasts like itself, will be driven to
+dwell in unclean habitations and to subsist on the uncertain bounty of
+the charitable."
+
+"Very likely," replied the irredeemable person before me. "I can't
+help its troubles. I have to do all that myself as it is."
+
+Doubtless this fanaticism contains the secret of the ease with which
+these barbarians have possessed themselves of the greater part of the
+earth, and have even planted their assertive emblems on one or two
+spots in our own Flowery Kingdom. What, O my esteemed parent, what can
+a brave but devout and demon-fearing nation do when opposed to a people
+who are quite prepared to die without first leaving an adequate
+posterity to tend their shrines and offer incense? Assuredly, as a
+neighbouring philosopher once had occasion to remark, using for his
+purpose a metaphor so technically-involved that I must leave the
+interpretation until we meet, "It may be war, but it isn't cricket."
+
+The inevitable outcome, naturally, is that the Island must be the
+wandering-place of myriads of spirits possessing no recognised
+standing, and driven by want--having none to transmit them
+offerings--to the most degraded subterfuges. It is freely admitted
+that there is scarcely an ancient building not the abode of one or
+more of these abandoned demons, doubtless well-disposed in the first
+instance, and capable of becoming really beneficent Forces until they
+were driven to despair by obstinate neglect. A society of very
+honourable persons (to which this one has unobtrusively contributed a
+gift), exists for the purpose of searching out the most distressing
+and meritorious cases among them, and removing them, where possible,
+to a more congenial spot. The remarkable fact, to this person's mind,
+is, that with the air and every available space around absolutely
+packed with demons (as certainly must be the prevailing state of
+things), the manifestations of their malignity and vice are, if
+anything, rather less evident here than in our own favoured country,
+where we do all in our power to satisfy their wants.
+
+That same evening I found myself seated next to a maiden of
+prepossessing vivacity, who was spoken of as being one of a kindred
+but not identical race. Filled with the incredible profanity of those
+around, and hoping to find among a nation so alluringly high-spirited
+a more congenial elevation of mind, I at length turned to her and
+said, "Do not regard the question as one of unworthy curiosity, for
+this person's inside is white and funereal with his fears; but do you,
+of your allied race, worship your ancestors?"
+
+The maiden spent a moment in conscientious thought. "No, Mr. Kong,"
+she replied, with a most commendable sigh of unfeigned regret, "I
+can't say that we do. I guess it's because we're too new. Mine, now,
+only go back two generations, and they were mostly in lard. If they
+were old and baronial it might be different, but I can't imagine
+myself worshipping an ancestor in lard." (This doubtless refers to
+some barbaric method of embalming.)
+
+"And your wide and enlightened countrymen?" I asked, unable to
+restrain a passion of pure-bred despair. "Do they also so regard the
+obligation?"
+
+"I am afraid so," replied the maiden, with an honourable indication
+towards my emotion. "But of course when a girl marries into the
+European aristocracy, she and all her folk worship her husband's
+ancestors, until every one about is fairly dizzy with the subject."
+
+It is largely owing to the graceful and virtuous conversation of these
+lesser ones that this person's knowledge of the exact position which
+the ceremonial etiquette of the country demands on various occasions
+is becoming so proficiently enlarged. It is true that they of my own
+sex do not hesitate to inquire with penetrating assiduousness into
+certain of the manners and customs of our land, but these for the most
+part do not lead to a conversation in any way profitable to my
+discreeter understanding. Those of the inner chamber, on the other
+hand, while not scrupling to question me on the details of dress, the
+braiding and gumming of the hair, the style and variety of the stalls
+of merchants, the wearing of jade, gold, and crystal ornaments and
+flowers about the head, smoking, and other matters affecting our
+lesser ones, very magnanimously lead my contemplation back to a more
+custom-established topic if by any hap in my ambitious ignorance I
+outstep it.
+
+In such a manner it chanced on a former occasion that I sat side by
+side with a certain maiden awaiting the return of others who had
+withdrawn for a period. The season was that of white rains, and the
+fire being lavishly extended about the grate we had harmoniously
+arranged ourselves before it, while this person, at the repeated and
+explicit encouragement of the maiden, spoke openly of such details of
+the inner chamber as he has already indicated.
+
+"Is it true, Mr. Ho" (thus the maiden, being unacquainted with the
+actual facts, consistently addressed me), "that ladies' feet are
+relentlessly compressed until they finally assume the proportions and
+appearance of two bulbs?" and as she spoke she absent-mindedly
+regarded her own slippers, which were out-thrust somewhat to receive
+the action of the fire.
+
+"It is a matter which cannot reasonably be denied," I replied; "and it
+is doubtless owing to this effect that they are designated 'Golden
+Lilies.' Yet when this observance has been slowly and painfully
+accomplished, the extremities in question are not less small but
+infinitely less graceful than the select and naturally-formed pair
+which this person sees before him." And at the ingeniously-devised
+compliment (which, not to become large-headed in self-imagination, it
+must be admitted was revealed to me as available for practically all
+occassions by the really invaluable Quang-Tsun), I bowed
+unremittingly.
+
+"O, Mr. Ho!" exclaimed the maiden, and paused abruptly at the sound of
+her words, as though they were inept.
+
+"In many other ways a comparison equally irreproachable to the exalted
+being at my side might be sought out," I continued, suddenly forming
+the ill-destined judgment that I was no less competent than the more
+experienced Quang-Tsun to contrive delicate offerings of speech.
+"Their hair is rope like in its lack of spontaneous curve, their eyes
+as deficient in lustre as a half-shuttered window; their hands are
+exceedingly inferior in colour, and both on the left side, as it may
+be expressed; their legs--" but at this point the maiden drew herself
+so hastily into herself that I had no alternative but to conclude that
+unless I reverted in some way the enterprise was in peril of being
+inharmoniously conducted.
+
+"Mr. Ho," said the maiden, after contemplating her inward thoughts for
+a moment, "you are a foreigner, and you cannot be expected to know by
+instinct what may and what may not be openly expressed in this
+country. Therefore, although the obligation is not alluring, I think
+it kinder to tell you that the matters which formed the subject of
+your last words are never to be referred to."
+
+At this rebuke I again bowed persistently, for it did not appear
+reasonable to me that I could in any other way declare myself without
+violating the imposed command.
+
+"Not only are they never openly referred to," continued the maiden,
+who in spite of the declared no allurement of the subject did not seem
+disposed to abandon it at once, "but among the most select they are,
+by unspoken agreement, regarded as 'having no actual existence,' as
+you yourself would say."
+
+"Yet," protested this person, somewhat puzzled, "to one who has
+witnessed the highly-achieved attitudes of those within your Halls of
+Harmony, and in an unyielding search for knowledge has addressed
+himself even to the advertisement pages of the ladies' papers--"
+
+The maiden waved her hand magnanimously. "In your land, as you have
+told me, there are many things, not really existing, which for
+politeness you assume to be. In a like but converse manner this is to
+be so regarded."
+
+I thanked her voluminously. "The etiquette of this country is as
+involved as the spoken tongue," I said, "for both are composed chiefly
+of exceptions to a given rule. It was formerly impressed upon this
+person, as a guiding principle, that that which is unseen is not to be
+discussed; yet it is not held in disrepute to allude to so intimate
+and secluded an organ as the heart, for no further removed than
+yesterday he heard the deservedly popular sea-lieutenant in the act of
+declaring to you, upon his knees, that you were utterly devoid of such
+a possession."
+
+At this inoffensively-conveyed suggestion, the fire opposite had all
+the appearance of suddenly reflecting itself into the maiden's face
+with a most engaging concentration, while at the same time she stamped
+her foot in ill-concealed rage.
+
+"You've been listening at the door!" she cried impetuously, "and I
+shall never forgive you."
+
+"To no extent," I declared hastily (for although I had indeed been
+listening at the door, it appeared, after the weight which she set
+upon the incident, more honourable that I should deny it in order to
+conciliate her mind). "It so chanced that for the moment this person
+had forgotten whether the handle he was grasping was of the push-out
+or turn-in variety, and in the involvement a few words of no
+particular or enduring significance settled lightly upon his
+perception.
+
+"In that case," she replied in high-souled liberality, while her eyes
+scintillated towards me with a really all-overpowering radiance, "I
+will forgive you."
+
+"We have an old but very appropriate saying, 'To every man the voice
+of one maiden carries further than the rolling of thunder,'" I
+remarked in a significantly restrained tone; for, although conscious
+that the circumstance was becoming more menace-laden than I had any
+previous intention, I found myself to be incapable of extrication.
+"Florence--"
+
+"Oh," she exclaimed quickly, raising her polished hand with an
+undeniable gesture of reproof, "you must not call me by my christian
+name, Mr. Ho."
+
+"Yet," replied this person, with a confessedly stubborn inelegance,
+"you call me by the name of Ho."
+
+Her eyes became ox-like in an utter absence of almond outline. "Yes,"
+she said gazing, "but that--that is not your christian name, is it?"
+
+"In a position of speaking--this one being as a matter of fact a
+discreditable follower of the sublime Confucius--it may be so
+regarded," I answered, "inasmuch as it is the milk-name of childhood."
+
+"But you always put it last," she urged.
+
+"Assuredly," I replied. "Being irrevocably born with the family name
+of Kong, it is thought more reasonable that that should stand first.
+After that, others are attached as the various contingencies demand
+it, as Ho upon participating in the month-age feast, the book-name of
+Tsin at a later period, Paik upon taking a degree, and so forth."
+
+"I am very sorry, Mr. Kong," said the maiden, adding, with what at the
+time certainly struck this person as shallow-witted prejudice. "Of
+course it is really quite your own fault for being so tospy-turvily
+arranged in every way. But, to return to the subject, why should not
+one speak of one's heart?"
+
+"Because," replied this person, colouring deeply, and scarcely able to
+control his unbearable offence that so irreproachably-moulded a
+creature should openly refer to the detail, "because it is a gross and
+unrefined particular, much more internal and much less
+pleasantly-outlined than those extremities whose spoken equivalent
+shall henceforth be an abandoned word from my lips."
+
+"But, in any case, it is not the actual organ that one infers,"
+protested the maiden. "As the seat of the affections, passions,
+virtues, and will, it is the conventional emblem of every thought and
+emotion."
+
+"By no means," I cried, forgetting in the face of so heterodox an
+assertion that it would be well to walk warily at every point. "That
+is the stomach."
+
+"Ah!" exclaimed the maiden, burying her face in a gracefully-perfumed
+remnant of lace, to so overwhelming a degree that for the moment I
+feared she might become involved in the dizzy falling. "Never, by any
+mischance, use that word again the society of the presentable, Mr.
+Kong."
+
+"The ceremonial usage of my own land of the Heavenly Dynasty is
+proverbially elaborate," I said, with a gesture of self-abasement,
+"but in comparison with yours it may be regarded as an undeviating
+walk when opposed to a stately and many-figured dance. Among the
+company of the really excessively select (in which must ever be
+included the one whom I am now addressing), it becomes difficult for
+an outcast of my illimitable obtuseness to move to one side or the
+other without putting his foot into that."
+
+"Oh no," exclaimed the maiden, in fragrant encouragement, "I think you
+are getting on very nicely, Mr. Kong, and one does not look for
+absolute conformance from a foreigner--especially one who is so
+extremely foreign. If I can help you with anything--of course I could
+not even speak as I have done to an ordinary stranger, but with one of
+a distant race it seems different--if I can tell you anything that
+will save you--"
+
+"You are all-exalted," I replied, with seemly humility, "and virtue
+and wisdom press out your temples on either side. Certainly, since I
+have learned that the heart is so poetically regarded, I have been
+assailed by a fear lest other organs which I have hitherto despised
+might be used in a similar way. Now, as regards liver--"
+
+"It is only used with bacon," replied the maiden, rising abruptly.
+
+"Kidneys?" suggested this person diffidently, really anxious to detain
+her footsteps, although from her expression it did not rest assured
+that the incident was taking an actually auspicious movement.
+
+"I don't think you need speak of those except at breakfast," she said;
+"but I hear the others returning, and I must really go to dress for
+dinner."
+
+Among the barbarians many keep books wherein to inscribe their deep
+and beautiful thoughts. This person had therefore provided himself
+with one also, and, drawing it forth, he now added to a page of many
+other interesting compositions: "Maidens of immaculate refinement do
+not hesitate to admit before a person of a different sex that they are
+on the point of changing their robes. The liver is in some intricate
+way an emblem representing bacon, or together with it the two stand
+for a widely differing analogy. Among those of the highest
+exclusiveness kidneys are never alluded to after the tenth gong-stroke
+of the morning."
+
+With a sincerely ingrained trust that the scenes of dignity, opulence,
+and wisdom, set forth in these superficial letters, are not unsettling
+your intellect and causing you to yearn for a fuller existence.
+
+KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER VI
+
+
+Concerning this person's well-sustained efforts to discover 
+further demons. The behaviour of those invoked on two occasions.
+
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE,--In an early letter I made some reference to a variety
+of demon invoked by certain of the barbarians. As this matter aroused
+your congenial interest, I have since privately bent my mind
+incessantly to the discovery of others; but this has been by no means
+easy, for, touching the more intimate details of the subject, the
+barbarians frequently maintain a narrow-minded suspicion. Many whom I
+have approached feign to become amused or have evaded a deliberate
+answer under the subterfuge of a jest; yet, whenever I would have
+lurked by night in their temples or among the enclosed spaces of their
+tombs to learn more, at a given signal one in authority has approached
+me with anxiety and mistrust engraved upon his features, and,
+disregarding my unassuming protest that I would remain alone in a
+contemplative reverie, has signified that so devout an exercise is
+contrary to their written law.
+
+On one occasion only did this person seem to hold himself poised on
+the very edge of a fuller enlightenment. This was when, in the
+venerable company of several benevolent persons, he was being taken
+from place to place to see the more important buildings, and to
+observe the societies of artificers labouring at their crafts. The
+greater part of the day had already been spent in visiting temples,
+open spaces reserved to children and those whose speech, appearance,
+and general manner of behaving make it desirable that they should be
+set apart from the contact of the impressionable, halls containing
+relics and emblems of the past, places of no particular size or
+attraction but described as being of unparalleled historic interest,
+and the stalls of the more reputable venders of merchandise.
+
+Doubtless, with observing so many details of a conflicting nature,
+this person's discriminating faculties had become obscured, but
+towards evening he certainly understood that we sought the company of
+an assembly of those who had been selected from all the Empire to
+pronounce definitely upon matters of supreme import. The building
+before which our chariot stopped had every appearance of being worthy
+of so exceptional a gathering, and with a most affluent joy that I
+should at last be able to glean a decisive pronouncement, I evaded
+those who had accompanied me, and, mingling self-reliantly with the
+throng inside, I quickly surrounded myself with many of the
+wisest-looking, and begged that they would open their heads freely and
+express their innermost opinions upon the subject of demons of all
+kinds.
+
+Although I had admittedly hoped that these persons would not conceal
+themselves behind the wings of epigram or intangible prevarication, I
+was far from being prepared for the candour with which they greeted
+me, and although by long usage I am reasonably unconcerned at the
+proximity of any of our own recognised genii, it is not to be denied
+that my organs of ferocity grew small and unstable at the revelations.
+
+From their words it appeared that the spot on which we stood had long
+been the recognised centre and meeting-place for every class of
+abandoned and objectionable spirit of the universe. Not only this, but
+several of the persons who had gathered around were confidently
+pointed out as the earthly embodiment of various diabolical Forces,
+while others cheerfully admitted that they themselves were the shadows
+of certain illustrious ones who had long Passed Above, and all united
+in declaring that those who moved among them wearing the distinction
+of a dark blue uniform were Evil Beings of a most ghoulish and
+repulsive type. Indeed, as I looked more closely, I could see that not
+only those pointed out, but all standing around, had expressions
+immeasurably more in keeping with a band of outcast spirits than
+suggestive of an assembly representing wisdom and dignified ease. At
+that moment, however, a most inelegant movement was caused by one
+suddenly declaring that he had recognised this one who is inscribing
+his experiences to be the apparition of a certain great reformer who
+during the period of his ordinary existence had received the name of
+Guy Fawkes, and amid a tumult of overwhelming acclamation a proposal
+was raised that I should be carried around in triumph and afterwards
+initiated into the observance of a time-honoured custom. Although it
+had now become doubtful to what end the adventure was really tending,
+this person would have submitted himself agreeably to the
+participation had not the blue-apparelled band cleft their way into
+the throng just as I was about to be borne off in triumph, and forming
+themselves into a ringed barrier around me they presently succeeded in
+rearranging the contending elements and in restoring me to the society
+of my friends. To these persons they complained with somewhat
+unreasoning acrimony that I had been exciting the inmates into a state
+of rebellion with wild imaginings, and for the first time I then began
+to understand that an important error had been perpetrated by some
+one, and that instead of being a meeting-place for those upholding the
+wisdom and authority of the country, the building was in reality an
+establishment for the mentally defective and those of treacherous
+instincts.
+
+For some time after this occurrence I failed to regard the subject of
+demons and allied Forces in any but a spirit of complete no
+enthusiasm, but more recently my interest and research have been
+enlarged by the zeal and supernatural conversation of a liberal-minded
+person who sought my prosaic society with indefatigable persistence.
+When we had progressed to such a length that the one might speak of
+affairs without the other at once interposing that he himself had also
+unfortunately come out quite destitute of money, this stranger, who
+revealed to me that his name was Glidder, but that in the company of a
+certain chosen few he was known intimately as the Keeper of the
+Salograma, approached me confidentially, and inquired whether we of
+our Central Kingdom were in the habit of receiving manifestations from
+the spirits of those who had Passed Beyond.
+
+At the unassumed ingenuousness of this remark I suffered my
+impassiveness to relax, as I replied with well-established pride that
+although a country which neglected its ancestors might doubtless be
+able to produce more of the ordinary or graveyard spectres, we were
+unapproachable for the diverse forms and malignant enmity of our
+apparitions. Of invisible beings alone, I continued tolerantly, we had
+the distinction of being harassed by upwards of seven hundred
+clearly-defined varieties, while the commoner inflictions of demons,
+shades, visions, warlocks, phantoms, sprites, imps, phenomena, ghosts,
+and reflections passed almost without comment; and touching our
+admitted national speciality of dragons, the honour of supremacy had
+never been questioned.
+
+At this, the agreeable person said that the pleasure he derived
+from meeting me was all-excelling, and that I must certainly accompany
+him to a meeting-place of this same chosen few the following evening,
+when, by the means of sacred expedients, they hoped to invoke the
+presence of some departed spirits, and perchance successfully raise a
+tangible vision or two. To so fair-minded a proposal I held myself
+acquiescently, and then inquired where the meeting-place in question
+was destined to be--whether in a ruined and abandoned sanctuary, or
+upon some precipitous spot of desolation.
+
+The inquiry was gracefully intended, but a passing cloud of unworthy
+annoyance revealed itself upon the upper part of the other's
+expression as he replied, "We, the true seekers, despise theatrical
+accessories, and, as a matter of act, I couldn't well get away from
+the office in time to go anywhere far. To-morrow we meet at my place
+in the Camden Road. It's only a three-half-penny tram stage from the
+Euston and Tottenham Court corner, so it couldn't be much more
+convenient for you." He thereupon gave me an inscribed fragment of
+paper and mentioned the appointed hour.
+
+"I'll tell you why I am particularly anxious for you to come
+to-morrow," he said as we were each departing from one another.
+"Pash--he's the Reader of the Veda among us--and his people have got
+hold of a Greek woman (they SAY she is a princess, of course), who can
+do a lot of things with flowers and plate glass. They are bringing her
+for the first time to-morrow, and it struck me that if I have YOU
+there already when they arrive--you'll come in your national costume
+by the way?--it will be a considerable set-off. Since his daughter was
+presented to the duchess at the opening of a bazaar, there has been no
+holding Pash; why he was ever elected Reader of the Books, I don't
+know. Er--we have had scoffers sometimes, but I trust I may rely upon
+you not to laugh at anything you may not happen to agree with?"
+
+With conscientious dignity I replied that I had only really laughed
+seven times in my life, and therefore the entertainment was one which
+I was not likely to embark upon hastily or with inadequate cause. He
+immediately expressed a seemly regret that the detail had been spoken,
+and again assuring him that at the stated hour I would present myself
+at the house bearing the symbol engraved upon the card, we definitely
+parted.
+
+That, as a matter of fact, I did not so present myself at the exact
+hour, chiefly concerns the uncouth and arbitrary-minded charioteer who
+controlled the movements of the vehicle to which the one whom I was
+seeking had explicitly referred; for at an angle in the road he
+suffered the horses to draw us aside into a path which did not
+correspond to the engraved signs upon the card, nor by any word of
+persuasion could he be prevailed upon to return.
+
+Thus, without any possible reproach upon the manner in which I was
+conducting the enterprise, it came about that by the time I reached
+the spot indicated, all those persons who had been spoken of as
+constituting a chosen band were assembled, and with them the
+barbarian princess. Nevertheless, this person was irreproachably
+greeted, and the maiden indicated even spoke a few words to him in an
+outside tongue. Being necessarily unacquainted with the import of the
+remark I spread out my hands with a sign of harmonious sympathy and
+smiled agreeably, whereat she appeared to receive an added esteem from
+the faces of those around (excluding those directly of the House of
+Glidder), and was thereby encouraged to speak similarly at intervals,
+this person each time replying in a like fashion.
+
+"Is he then a Guide of the Way, also, princess?" said the one Pash,
+who had noted the occurrence; to which the maiden replied, "To a
+degree, yet lacking the Innermost Mysteries."
+
+Presently it was announced that all things were fittingly prepared in
+another chamber. Here, upon a table of polished wood, stood on the one
+side a round stone with certain markings, a group of inscribed books,
+and various other emblems; and on the other side a bowl of water, a
+sphere of crystal, pieces of unwritten parchment, and behind all, and
+at a distance away, a sheet of transparent glass, greater in height
+than an ordinary person and as wide. When all were seated--the one who
+had enticed me among them placing himself before the stone, the person
+Pash guarding the books, the barbarian princess being surrounded by
+her symbols and alone in a self-imposed solitude, and the others at
+various points--the lights were subdued and the appearances awaited.
+
+It would scarcely be respectful, O my enlightened father, to take up
+your well-spent leisure by a too prolific account of the matters which
+followed, they being in no way dissimilar from the manifestations by
+which the uninitiated little ones of Yuen-ping are wont to amuse
+themselves and pass the winter evenings. From time to time harmonious
+sounds could be plainly detected, flowers and branches of wood were
+scattered sparsely here and there, persons claimed that passing
+objects had touched their faces, and misshapen forms of smoke-like
+density (which some confidently recognised as the outlines of departed
+ones whom they had known), revealed themselves against the glass. When
+this had been accomplished, the lights were recalled, and the
+barbarian maiden, sinking into a condition of languor, announced and
+foretold events and happenings upon which she was consulted, sometimes
+replying by spoken words, at others suffering her hand to trace them
+lightly upon the parchment sheets. Thus, to an inquirer it was
+announced that one, Aunt Mary, in the Upper Air, was well and happy,
+though undeniably pained at the action of Cousin William in the matter
+of the freehold houses, and more than sceptical how his marriage would
+turn out. Another was advised that although the interest on Consols
+was admittedly lower than that anticipated by those controlling the
+destines of a new venture entitled, The Great Rosy Dawn Gold Mine
+Development Syndicate, and the name certainly less poetically
+inspiring, the advising spirits were of the opinion that the former
+enterprise would prove the more stable of the two, and, in any case,
+they recommended the person in question to begin by placing not more
+than half of her life's savings into the mine. The family of the House
+of Pash was assured that beneficent spirits surrounded them at every
+turn, and that their good deeds were not suffered to fall unfruitfully
+to the ground; while many bearing the name of Glidder, on the other
+hand, were reproved by one who had known them in infancy for the
+offences of jealousy, ostentation, vain thoughts, shallowness of
+character, and the like.
+
+At length, revered, as there seemed to be no reasonable indication of
+any barbarian phantom of weight or authority appearing--nothing,
+indeed, beyond what a person in our country, of no admitted skill,
+would accomplish in the penetrating light of day with two others
+holding his hands, and a third reposing upon his head, I formed the
+perhaps immature judgment that the one to whom I was indebted for the
+entertainment would be suffering a grievous frustration of his hopes
+and a diminution of his outward authority. Therefore, without
+sufficient consideration of the restricted surroundings, as it
+afterwards appeared, I threw myself into a retrospective vision, and
+floating unencumbered through space, I sought for Kwan Kiang-ti, the
+Demon of the Waters, upon whom I might fittingly call, as I was given
+into his keeping by the ceremony of spirit-adoption at an early age.
+Meeting an influence which I recognised to be an indication of his
+presence, in the vicinity of the Eighth Region, I obsequiously
+entreated that he would reveal himself without delay, and then,
+convinced of his sympathetic intervention, I suffered my spirit to
+recall itself, and revived into the condition of an ordinary
+existence.
+
+"We have among us this evening, my friends," the one Pash was saying,
+"a very remarkable lady--if I may use so democratic a term in the
+connection--to whom the limits of Time and Space are empty words, and
+before whose supreme Will the most portentous Forces of Occult Nature
+mutely confess themselves her attending slaves--" But at that moment
+the rolling drums of Kiang-ti's thunder drowned his words, although he
+subsequently raised his voice above it to entreat that any knives or
+other articles of a bright and attractive kind should at once be
+removed to a place of safety.
+
+Heralded by these continuous sounds, and accompanied by innumerable
+flashes of lightning, the genius presently manifested himself,
+leisurely developing out of the air around. He appeared in his
+favourite guise of an upright dragon, his scales being arranged in
+rows of nine each way, a pearl showing within his throat, and upon his
+head the wooden bar. The lights were extinguished incapably by the
+rain which fell continually in his presence, but from his body there
+proceeded a luminous breath which sufficiently revealed the various
+incidents.
+
+"Kong Ho," said this opportune vision, speaking with a voice like the
+beating of a brass gong, "the course you have adopted is an unusual
+one, but the weight and regularity of your offerings have merit in my
+eyes. Nevertheless, if your invocation is only the outcome of a
+shallow vanity or a profane love of display, nothing can save you from
+a painful death. Speak now, fully and without evasion, and fear
+nothing."
+
+"Amiable Being," said this person, kow-towing profoundly, "the matter
+was designed to the end only that your incomparable versatility might
+be fittingly displayed. These barbarians sought vainly to raise
+phantoms capable of any useful purpose, whereupon I, jealous of your
+superior omnipotence, judged it would be an unseemly neglect not to
+inform you of the opportunity."
+
+"It is well," said the demon affably. "All doubt in the matter shall
+now be set at rest. Could any more convincing act be found than that I
+should breath upon these barbarians and reduce them instantly to a
+scattering of thin white ashes?"
+
+"Assuredly it would be a conclusive testimony," I replied; "yet in
+that case consider how inadequate a witness could be borne to your
+enlightened condescension, when none would be left but one to whom the
+spoken language of this Island is more in the nature of a trap than a
+comfortable vehicle."
+
+"Your reasoning is profound, Kong Ho," he replied, "yet abundant proof
+shall not be wanting." With these words he raised his hand, and
+immediately the air became filled with an overwhelming shower of those
+productions with which Kwan Kiang-ti's name is chiefly
+associated--shells and pebbles of all kinds, lotus and other roots
+from the river banks, weeds from seas of greater depths, fish of
+interminable variety from both fresh and bitter waters, all falling in
+really embarrassing abundance, and mingled with an incessant rain of
+sand and water. In the midst of this the demon suddenly passed away,
+striking the table as he went, so that it was scarred with the brand
+of a five-clawed hand, shattering all the objects upon it (excepting
+the stone and the books, which he doubtless regarded as sacred to some
+extent), and leaving the room involved in a profound darkness.
+
+"For the love av the saints--for the love av the saints, save us from
+the yellow devils!" exclaimed a voice from the spot where last the
+barbarian princess had reclined, and upon this person going to her
+assistance with lights it was presently revealed that she alone had
+remained seated, the others having all assembled themselves beneath
+the table in spite of the incapability of the space at their disposal.
+Most of the weightier evidences of Kwan Kiang-ti's majestic presence
+had faded away, though the table retained the print of his impressive
+hand, many objects remained irretrievably torn apart, and in a distant
+corner of the room an insignificant heap of shells and seaweed still
+lingered. From the floor covering a sprinkling of the purest Fuh-chow
+sand rose at every step, the salt dew of the Tung-Hai still dropped
+from the surroundings, and, at a later period, a shore crab was found
+endeavouring to make its escape undetected.
+
+Convinced that the success of the manifestation would have enlarged
+the one Glidder's esteem towards me to an inexpressible degree, I now
+approached him with words of self-deprecation ready on my tongue, but
+before he spoke I became aware, from the nature of his glance, that
+the provision had been unnecessary, for already his face had begun to
+assume, to a most distended amount, the expression which I had long
+recognised as a synonym that some detail had been regarded at a
+different angle from that anticipated.
+
+"May I ask," he began in a somewhat heavily-laden voice, after he had
+assured himself that the person who was speaking was himself, and his
+external attributes unchanged, "May I ask, sir" (and at this title,
+which is untranslatable in its many-sided significance when
+technically employed, I recognised that all complimentary intercourse
+might be regarded as having closed), "whether you accept the
+responsibility of these proceedings?"
+
+"Touching the appearance which has so essentially contributed to the
+success of the occasion, it is undeniably due to this one's
+foresight," I replied modestly.
+
+"Then let me tell you, sir, that I consider it an outrage--a dastardly
+outrage."
+
+"Yet," protested this person with retiring assertiveness, "the
+expressed object of the ceremony, as it stood before my intelligence,
+was for the set purpose of invoking spirits and raising certain
+visions."
+
+"Spirits!" exclaimed the one before me with an accent of concentrated
+aversion; "yes, spirits; impalpable, civilised, genuine spirits, who
+manifest themselves through recognised media, and are conformable to
+the usages of the best drawing-room society--yes. But not demons, sir;
+not Chinese devils in the Camden Road--no. Truth and Light at any
+cost, not paganism. It's perfectly scandalous. Look at the mahogany
+table--ruined; look at the wall-paper--conventional mackerels with a
+fishing-net background, new this spring--soused; look at the Brussels
+carpet, seventeen six by twenty-five--saturated!"
+
+"I quite agree with you, Mr. Glidder," here interposed the individual
+Pash. "I was watching you, sir, closely the whole time, and I have my
+suspicions about how it was done. I don't know whether Mr. Glidder has
+any legal redress, but I should certainly advise him to see his
+solicitors to-morrow, and in the meantime--"
+
+"He is my guest," exclaimed the one whose hospitality I was enjoying,
+"and while he is beneath my roof he is sacred."
+
+"But I do not think that it would be kind to detain him any longer in
+his wet things," said another of the household, with pointed
+malignity, and accepting this as an omen of departure, I withdrew
+myself, bowing repeatedly, but offering no closer cordiality.
+
+"Through a torn sleeve one drops a purse of gold," it is well said;
+and as if to prove to a deeper end that misfortune is ever
+double-handed, this incapable being, involved in thoughts of funereal
+density, bent his footsteps to an inaccurate turning, and after much
+wandering was compelled to pass the night upon a desolate heath--but
+that would be the matter of another narrative.
+
+With an insidious doubt whether, after all, the far-seeing Kwan
+Kiang-ti's first impulse would not have been the most satisfactory
+conclusion to the enterprise.
+
+KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER VII
+
+
+Concerning warfare, both as waged by ourselves and by a nation
+devoid of true civilisation. The aged man and the meeting and
+the parting of our ways. The instance of the one who expressed
+emotion by leaping.
+
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE,--You are omniscient, but I cannot regard the fear
+which you express in your beautifully-written letter, bearing the sign
+of the eleventh day of the seventh moon, as anything more than the
+imaginings prompted by a too-lavish supper of your favourite shark's
+fin and peanut oil. Unless the dexterously-elusive attributes of the
+genial-spoken persons high in office at Pekin have deteriorated
+contemptibly since this one's departure, it is quite impossible for
+our great and enlightened Empire to be drawn into a conflict with the
+northern barbarians whom you indicate, against our will. When the
+matter becomes urgent, doubtless a prince of the Imperial line will
+loyally suffer himself to Pass Above, and during the period of
+ceremonial mourning for so pure and exalted an official it would
+indeed be an unseemly desecration to engage in any public business. If
+this failed, and an ultimatum were pressed with truly savage contempt
+for all that is sacred and refined, it might be well next to consider
+the health even of the sublime Emperor himself (or, perhaps better,
+that of the select and ever-present Dowager Empress); but should the
+barbarians still advance, and, setting the usages of civilised warfare
+at defiance, threaten an engagement in the midst of this unparalleled
+calamity, there will be no alternative but to have a formidable
+rebellion in the Capital. All the barbarian powers will then assemble
+as usual, and in the general involvement none dare move alone, and
+everything will have to be regarded as being put back to where it was
+before. It is well said, "The broken vessel can never be made whole,
+but it may be delicately arranged so that another shall displace it."
+
+These barbarians, less resourceful in device, have only recently
+emerged from a conflict into which they do not hesitate to admit they
+were drawn despite their protests. Such incompetence is characteristic
+of their methods throughout. Not in any way disguising their purpose,
+they at once sent out an army of those whom could be the readiest
+seized, certainly furnishing them with weapons, charms to use in case
+of emergency, and three-coloured standards (their adversaries adopting
+a white banner to symbolise the conciliation of their attitude, and
+displaying both freely in every extremity), but utterly neglecting to
+teach them the arts of painting their bodies with awe-inspiring forms,
+of imitating the cries of wild animals as they attacked, of clashing
+their weapons together with menacing vigour, or any of the recognised
+artifices by which terror may be struck into the ranks of an awaiting
+foeman. The result was that which the prudent must have foreseen. The
+more accomplished enemy, without exposing themselves to any
+unnecessary inconvenience, gained many advantages by their intrepid
+power of dissimulation--arranging their garments and positions in such
+a way that they had the appearance of attacking when in reality they
+were effecting a prudent retreat; rapidly concealing themselves among
+the earth on the approach of an overwhelming force; becoming openly
+possessed with the prophetic vision of an assured final victory
+whenever it could be no longer concealed that matters were becoming
+very desperate indeed; and gaining an effective respite when all other
+ways of extrication were barred against them by the stratagem of
+feigning that they were other than those whom they had at first
+appeared to be.
+
+In the meantime the adventure was not progressing pleasantly for those
+chiefly concerned at home. With the earliest tidings of repulse it was
+discovered that in the haste of embarkation the wrong persons had been
+sent, all those who were really the fittest to command remaining
+behind, and many of these did not hesitate to write to the printed
+papers, resolutely admitting that they themselves were in every way
+better qualified to bring the expedition to a successful end, at the
+same time skilfully pointing out how the disasters which those in the
+field had incurred could easily have been avoided by acting in a
+precisely contrary manner.
+
+In the emergency the most far-seeing recommended a more unbending
+policy of extermination. Among these, one in particular, a statesman
+bearing an illustrious name of two-edged import, distinguished himself
+by the liberal broad-mindedness of his opinions, and for the time he
+even did not flinch from making himself excessively unpopular by the
+wide and sweeping variety of his censure. "We are confessedly a
+barbarian nation," fearlessly declared this unprejudiced person (who,
+although entitled by hereditary right to carry a banner on the field
+of battle, with patriotic self-effacement preferred to remain at home
+and encourage those who were fighting by pointing out their inadequacy
+to the task and the extreme unlikelihood of their ever accomplishing
+it), "and in order to achieve our purpose speedily it is necessary to
+resort to the methods of barbarism." The most effective measure, as he
+proceeded to explain with well-thought-out detail, would be to capture
+all those least capable of resistance, concentrate them into a given
+camp, and then at an agreed signal reduce the entire assembly to what
+he termed, in a passage of high-minded eloquence, "a smoking hecatomb
+of women and children."
+
+His advice was pointed with a crafty insight, for not only would such
+a course have brought the stubborn enemy to a realisation of the
+weakness of their position and thus paved the way to a dignified
+peace, but by the act itself few would have been left to hand down the
+tradition of a relentless antagonism. Yet with incredible obtuseness
+his advice was ignored and he himself was referred to at the time by
+those who regarded the matter from a different angle, with a
+scarcely-veiled dislike, which towards many of his followers took the
+form of building materials and other dissentient messages whenever
+they attempted to raise their voices publicly. As an inevitable result
+the conquest of the country took years, where it would have been moons
+had the more truly humane policy been adopted, commerce and the arts
+languished, and in the end so little spoil was taken that it was more
+common to meet six mendicants wearing the honourable embellishment of
+the campaign than to see one captured slave maiden offered for sale in
+the market places--indeed, even to this day the deficiency is clearly
+admitted and openly referred to as The Great "Domestic" Problem.
+                                  *
+
+At various times during my residence here I have been filled with a
+most acute gratification when the words of those around have seemed to
+indicate that they recognised the undoubted superiority of the laws
+and institutions of our enlightened country. Sometimes, it is true,
+upon a more detailed investigation of the incident, it has presently
+appeared that either I had misunderstood the exact nature of their
+sentiments or they had slow-wittedly failed to grasp the precise
+operation of the enactment I had described; but these exceptions are
+clearly the outcome of their superficial training, and do not affect
+the fact my feeble and frequently even eccentric arguments are at
+length certainly moving the more intelligent into an admission of what
+constitutes true justice and refinement. It is not to be denied that
+here and there exists a prejudice against our customs even in the
+minds of the studious; but as this is invariably the shadow of
+misconception, it has frequently been my sympathetic privilege to
+promote harmony by means of the inexorable logic of fact and reason.
+"But are not your officials uncompromisingly opposed to the freedom of
+the Press?" said one who conversed with me on the varying phases of
+the two countries, and knowing that in his eyes this would constitute
+an unendurable offence, I at once appeased his mind. "By no means," I
+replied; "if anything, the exact contrary is the case. As a matter of
+reality, of course, there is no Press now, the all-seeing Board of
+Censors having wisely determined that it was not stimulating to the
+public welfare; but if such an institution was permitted to exist you
+may rest genially assured that nothing could exceed the lenient
+toleration which all in office would extend towards it." A similar
+instance of malicious inaccuracy is widely spoken of regarding our
+lesser ones. "Is it really a fact, Mr. Kong," exclaimed a maiden of
+magnanimous condescension, to this person recently, "that we poor
+women are despised in your country, and that among the working-classes
+female children are even systematically abandoned as soon as they are
+born?" Suffering my features to express amusement at this unending
+calumny, I indicated my violent contempt towards the one who had first
+uttered it. "So far from despising them," I continued, with
+ingratiating gallantry, "we recognise that they are quite necessary
+for the purposes of preparing our food, carrying weighty burdens, and
+the like; and how grotesque an action would it be for poor but
+affectionate parents to abandon one who in a few years' time could be
+sold at a really remunerative profit, this, indeed, being the
+principal means of sustenance in many frugal families."
+
+On another occasion I had seated myself upon a wooden couch in one of
+the open spaces about the outskirts of the city, when an aged man
+chanced to pass by. Him I saluted with ceremonious politeness, on
+account of his years and the venerable dignity of his beard. Thereupon
+he approached near, and remarking affably that the afternoon was good
+(though, to use no subtle evasion, it was very evil), he congenially
+sat by my side and entered into familiar discourse.
+
+"They say that in your part of the world we old grandfathers are
+worshipped," he said, after recounting to my ears all the most
+intimate details of his existence from his youth upwards; "now, might
+that be right?"
+
+"Truly," I replied. "It is the unchanging foundation of our system of
+morality."
+
+"Ay, ay," he admitted pleasantly. "We are a long way behind them
+foreigners in everything. At the rate we're going there won't be any
+trade nor work nor religion left in this country in another twenty
+years. I often wish I had gone abroad when I was younger. And if I had
+chanced upon your parts I should be worshipped, eh?" and at the
+agreeable thought the aged man laughed in his throat with simple
+humour.
+
+"Assuredly," I replied; "--after you were dead."
+
+"Eh?" exclaimed the venerable person, checking the fountain of his
+mirth abruptly at the word. "Dead! not before? Doesn't--doesn't that
+seem a bit of a waste?"
+
+"Such has been the observance from the time of unrecorded antiquity,"
+I replied. "'Obey parents, respect the old, loyally uphold the
+sovereign, and worship ancestors.'"
+
+"Well, well," remarked the one beside me, "obedience and
+respect--that's something nowadays. And you make them do it?"
+
+"Our laws are unflinching in their application," I said. "No crime
+is held to be more detestable than disrespect of those to whom we owe
+our existence."
+
+"Quite right," he agreed, "it's a pleasure to hear it. It must be a
+great country, yours; a country with a future, I should say. Now,
+about that youngest lad of my son Henry's--the one that drops pet
+lizards down my neck, and threatened to put rat poison into his
+mother's tea when she wouldn't take him to the Military Turneyment;
+what would they do to him by your laws?"
+
+"If the assertion were well sustained by competent witnesses," I
+replied, "it would probably be judged so execrable an offence, that a
+new punishment would have to be contrived. Failing that, he would
+certainly be wrapped round from head to foot in red-hot chains, and
+thus exposed to public derision."
+
+"Ah, red-hot chains!" said the aged person, as though the words formed
+a pleasurable taste upon his palate. "The young beggar! Well, he'd
+deserve it."
+
+"Furthermore," I continued, gratified at having found one who so
+intelligently appreciated the deficiencies of his own country and the
+unblemished perfection of ours, "his parents and immediate
+descendants, if any should exist, would be submitted to a fate as
+inevitable but slightly less contemptuous--slow compression,
+perchance; his parents once removed (thus enclosing your venerable
+personality), and remoter offsprings would be merely put to the sword
+without further ignominy, and those of less kinship to about the
+fourth degree would doubtless escape with branding and a reprimand."
+
+"Lordelpus!" exclaimed the patriarchal one, hastily leaping to the
+extreme limit of the wooden couch, and grasping his staff into a
+significant attitude of defence; "what's that for?"
+
+"Our system of justice is all-embracing," I explained. "It is
+reasonably held that in such a case either that there is an inherent
+strain of criminality which must be eradicated at all hazard, or else
+that those who are responsible for the virtuous instruction of the
+young have been grossly neglectful of their duty. Whichever is the
+true cause, by this unfailing method we reach the desired end, for, as
+our proverb aptly says, 'Do the wise pluck the weed and leave the
+roots to spread?'"
+
+"It's butchery, nothing short of Smithfield," said the ancient person
+definitely, rising and moving to a more remote distance as he spoke
+the words, yet never for a moment relaxing the aggressive angle at
+which he thrust out his staff before him. "You're a bloodthirsty race
+in my opinion, and when they get this door open in China that there's
+so much talk about, out you go through it, my lad, or old England will
+know why." With this narrow-minded imprecation on his lips he left me,
+not even permitting me to continue expounding what would be the most
+likely sentences meted out to the witnesses in the case, the dwellers
+of the same street, and the members of the household with whom the
+youth in question had contemplated forming an alliance.
+
+Among the many contradictions which really almost seem purposely
+arranged to entrap the unwary in this strangely under-side-up country,
+is the fact that while the ennobled and those of high official rank
+are courteous in their attitude and urbane--frequently even to the
+extent of refusing money from those whom they have obliged, no matter
+how privately pressed upon them--the low-caste and slavish are not
+only deficient in obsequiousness, but are permitted to retort openly
+to those who address them with fitting dignity. Here such a state of
+things is too general to excite remark, but as instances are well
+called the flowers of the tree of assertion, this person will set
+forth the manner in which he was contumaciously opposed by an
+oblique-eyed outcast who attended within the stall of one selling
+wrought gold, jewels, and merchandise of the finer sort.
+
+Being desirous of procuring a gift wherewith to propitiate a certain
+maiden's esteem, and seeing above a shop of varied attraction a
+suspended sign emblematic of three times repeated gild abundance I
+drew near, not doubting to find beneath so auspicious a token the
+fulfilment of an honourable accommodation. Inside the window was
+displayed one of the implements by which the various details of a
+garment are joined together upon turning a wheel, hung about with
+an inscription setting forth that it was esteemed at the price of two
+units of gold, nineteen pieces of silver, and eleven and
+three-quarters of the brass cash of the land, and judging that no more
+suitable object could be procured for the purpose, I entered the shop,
+and desired the attending slave to submit it to my closer scrutiny.
+
+"Behold," I exclaimed, when I had made a feint of setting the device
+into motion (for it need not be concealed from you, O discreet one,
+that I was really inadequate to the attempt, and, indeed, narrowly
+escaped impaling myself upon its sudden and unexpected protrusions),
+"the highly-burnished surface of your dexterously arranged window gave
+to this engine a rich attractiveness which is altogether lacking at a
+closer examination. Nevertheless, this person will not recede from a
+perhaps too impulsive offer of one unit of gold, three pieces of
+silver, and four and a half brass cash," my object, of course, being
+that after the mutual recrimination of disparagement and over-praise
+we should in the length of an hour or two reach a becoming compromise
+in the middle distance.
+
+"Well," responded the menial one, regarding me with an expression in
+which he did not even attempt to subdue the baser emotions, "you HAVE
+come a long way for nothing"; and he made a pretence of wishing to
+replace the object.
+
+"Yet," I continued, "observe with calm impartiality how insidiously
+the rust has assailed the outer polish of the lacquer; perceive here
+upon the beneath part of wood the ineffaceable depression of a
+deeply-pointed blow; note well the--"
+
+"It was good enough for you to want me to muck up out of the window,
+wasn't it?" demanded the obstinate barbarian, becoming passionate in
+his bearing rather than reluctantly, but with courteous grace,
+lessening the price to a trifling degree, as we regard the proper way
+of carrying on the enterprise.
+
+"It is well said," I admitted, hoping that he might yet learn wisdom
+from my attitude of unruffled urbanity, though I feared that his angle
+of negotiating was unconquerably opposed to mine, "but now its many
+imperfections are revealed. The inelegance of its outline, the
+grossness of the applied colours, the unlucky combination of numbers
+engraved upon this plate, the--"
+
+"Damme!" cried the utterly perverse rebel standing opposite, "why
+don't you keep on your Compound, you Yellow Peril? Who asked you to
+come into my shop to blackguard the things? Come now, who did?"  
+
+"Assuredly it is your place of commerce," I replied cheerfully,
+preparing to bring forward an argument, which in our country never
+fails to shake the most stubborn, "yet bend your eyes to the fact that
+at no great distance away there stands another and a more alluring
+stall of merchandise where--"
+
+"Go to it then!" screamed the abandoned outcast, leaping over his
+counter and shouting aloud in a frenzy of uncontrollable rage. "Clear
+out, or I'll bend my feet--" but concluding at this point that some
+private calumny from which he was doubtless suffering was disturbing
+his mind to so great an extent that there was little likelihood of our
+bringing the transaction to a profitable end, I left the shop
+immediately but with befitting dignity.
+
+With a fell-founded assurance that you will now be acquiring a really
+precise and bird's-eye-like insight into practically all phases of
+this country.
+
+KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER VIII
+
+
+Concerning the wisdom of the sublime Wei Chung and its
+application to the ordinary problems of existence. The meeting
+of three, hitherto unknown to each other, about a wayside inn,
+and their various manners of conducting the enterprise.
+
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE,--You will doubtless remember the behaviour of the aged
+philosopher Wei Chung, when commanded by the broad-minded emperor of
+his time to reveal the hidden sources of his illimitable knowledge, so
+that all might freely acquire, and the race thereby become raised to a
+position of unparalleled excellence. Taking the well-disposed
+sovereign familiarly by the arm, Wei Chung led him to the mouth of his
+cave in the forest, and, standing by his side, bade him reflect with
+open eyes for a short space of time, and then express aloud what he
+had seen. "Nothing of grave import," declared the emperor when the
+period was accomplished; "only the trees shaken by the breeze." "It is
+enough," replied Wei Chung. "What, to the adroitly-balanced mind, does
+such a sight reveal?" "That it is certainly a windy day," exclaimed
+the omnipotent triumphantly, for although admittedly divine, he yet
+lacked the philosopher's discrimination. "On the contrary," replied
+the sage coldly, "that is the natural pronouncement of the rankly
+superficial. To the highly-trained intellect it conveys the more
+subtle truth that the wind affects the trees, and not the trees affect
+the wind. For upwards of seventy years this one has daily stood at the
+door of his cave for a brief period, and regularly garnering a single
+detail of like brilliance, has made it the well-spring for a day's
+reflection. As the result he now has by heart upwards of twenty-five
+thousand useful facts, all serviceable for original proverbs, and an
+encyclopaedic mind which would enable him to take a high place in a
+popular competition unassisted by a single work of reference." Much
+impressed by the adventure the charitably-inclined emperor presented
+Wei Chung with an onyx crown (which the philosopher at once threw into
+an adjacent well), and returning to his capital published a decree
+that each day at sunrise every person should stand at the door of his
+dwelling, and after observing for a period, compare among themselves
+the details of their thoughts. By this means he hoped to achieve his
+imperial purpose, but although the literal part of the enactment is
+scrupulously maintained, especially by the slothful and defamatory,
+who may be seen standing at their doors and conversing together even
+to this day, from some unforeseen imperfection the intellectual
+capacity of the race has remained exactly as it was before.
+
+Nevertheless it is not to be questioned that the system of the
+versatile Wei Chung was, in itself, grounded upon a far-seeing
+accuracy, and as the need of such a rational observation is deepened
+among the inconsistencies and fantastic customs of a barbarian race, I
+have made it a useful habit to accept as a guide for the day's
+behaviour the reflections engendered by the first noteworthy incident
+of the morning.
+
+Upon the day with which this letter concerns itself I had set forth,
+in accordance with an ever-present desire, to explore some of the
+hidden places of the city. At the time a tempest of great ferocity was
+raging, and bending my head before it I had the distinction of coming
+into contact with a person of ill-endowed exterior at an angle where
+two reads met. This amiable wayfarer exchanged civilities with me
+after the politeness characteristic of the labouring classes towards
+those who differ from them in speech, dress, or colour: that is to
+say, he filled his pipe from my proffered store, and after lighting it
+threw the match into my face, and passed on with an appropriate
+remark.
+
+Doubtless this insignificant occurrence would have faded without
+internal comment if the penetrating Wei Chung had never existed, but
+now, guided by his sublime precedent, I arranged the incident for the
+day's conduct under three reflective heads.
+
+It was while I was meditating on the second of these that an
+exclamation caused me to turn, when I observed a prosperously-outlined
+person in the act of picking up a scrip which had the appearance of
+being lavishly distended with pieces of gold.
+
+"If I had not seen you pass it, I should have opined that this hyer
+wallet belonged to you," remarked the justice-loving stranger (for the
+incident had irresistibly retarded my own footsteps), speaking the
+language of this land, but with an accent of penetrating harmony
+hitherto unknown to my ears. With these auspicious words he turned
+over the object upon his hand doubtfully.
+
+"So entrancing a possibility is, as you gracefully suggest, of
+unavoidable denial," I replied. "Nevertheless, this person will not
+hesitate to join his acclamation with yours; for, as the Book of
+Verses wisely says, 'Even the blind, if truly polite, will extol the
+prospect from your house-top.'"
+
+"That's so," admitted the one by my side. "But I don't know that there
+is any call for a special thanksgiving. As I happen to have more money
+of my own than I can reasonably spend I shall drop this in at a
+convenient police station. I dare say some poor critter is pining away
+for it now."
+
+Pleasantly impressed by the resolute benevolence of the one who had a
+greater store of wealth than he could, by his own unaided efforts,
+dispose of, I arranged myself unobtrusively at his side, and
+maintaining an exhibition of my most polished and genial conversation,
+I sought to penetrate deeply into his esteem.
+
+"Gaze in this direction, Kong," he said at length, calling me by name
+with auspicious familiarity; "I am a benighted stranger in this hyer
+city, and so are you, I rek'n. Suppose we liquor up, and then take a
+few of the side shows together."
+
+"The suggestion is one against which I will erect no ill-disposed
+barrier," I at once replied, so inflexibly determined not to lose
+sight of a person possessing such engaging attributes as to be
+cheerfully prepared even to consume my rice spirit in the inverted
+position which his words implied if the display was persisted in.
+"Nevertheless," I added, with a resourceful prudence, "although by no
+means undistinguished among the highest literary and competitive
+circles of his native Yuen-ping, the one before you is incapable of
+walking in the footsteps of a person whose accumulations are greater
+than he himself can appreciably diminish."
+
+"That's all right, Kong," exclaimed the one whom my last words
+fittingly described, striking the recess of his lower garment with a
+gesture of graceful significance. "When I take a fancy to any one it
+isn't a matter of dollars. I usually carry a trifle of five hundred
+or a thousand pounds in my pocket-book, and if we can get through
+that--why, there's plenty more waiting at the bank. Say, though, I
+hope you don't keep much about you; it isn't really safe."
+
+"The temptation to do so is one which this person has hitherto
+successfully evaded," I replied. "The contents of this reptile-skin
+case"--and not to be outshone in mutual confidence I here displayed it
+openly--"do not exceed nine or ten pieces of gold and a like number of
+printed obligations promising to pay five pieces each."
+
+"Put it away, Kong," he said resolutely. "You won't need that so long
+as you're with me. Well, now, what sort of a saloon have we here?"
+
+As far as the opinion might be superficially expressed it had every
+indication of being one of noteworthy antiquity, and to the innately
+modest mind its unassuming diffidence might have lent an added charm.
+Nevertheless, on most occasions this person would have maintained an
+unshaken dexterity in avoiding its open door, but as the choice
+admittedly lay in the hands of one who carried five hundred or a
+thousand pieces of gold we went in together and passed through to a
+compartment of retiring seclusion.
+
+In our own land, O my orthodox-minded father, where the unfailing
+resources of innumerable bands of dragons, spirits, vampires, ghouls,
+shadows, omens, and thunderstorms are daily enlisted to carry into
+effect the pronouncements of an appointed destiny, we have many
+historical examples of the inexorably converging legs of coincidence,
+but none, I think, more impressively arranged than the one now
+descending this person's brush.
+
+We had scarcely reposed ourselves, and taken from the hands of an
+awaiting slave the vessels of thrice-potent liquid which in this Island
+is regarded as the indispensable accompaniment to every movement of
+existence, when a third person entered the room, and seating himself
+at a table some slightly removed distance away, lowered his head and
+abandoned himself to a display of most lavish dejection.
+
+"That poor cuss doesn't appear to be holiday-making," remarked the
+sincerely-compassionate person at my side, after closely observing the
+other for a period; and then, moved by the overpowering munificence of
+his inward nature, he called aloud, "Say, stranger, you seem to have
+got it thickly in the neck. Is it family affliction or the whisky of
+the establishment?"
+
+At these affably-intentioned words the stranger raised his eyes
+quickly, with an indication of not having up to that time been aware
+of our presence.
+
+"Sir," he exclaimed, approaching to a spot where he could converse
+with a more enhanced facility, "when I loosened the restraint of an
+overpowering if unmanly grief, I imagined that I was alone, for I
+would have shunned even the most flattering sympathy, but your
+charitably-modulated voice invites confidence. The one before you is
+the most contemptible, left-handed, and disqualified outcast in
+creation, and he is now making his way towards the river, while his
+widow will be left to take in washing, his infant son to vend evening
+printed leaves, and his graceful and hitherto highly secluded
+daughters to go upon the stage."
+
+"Say, stranger," interposed this person, by no means unwilling to
+engrave upon his memory this newly-acquired form of greeting, "the
+emotion is doubtless all-pressing, but in my ornate and flower-laden
+tongue we have a salutation, 'Slowly, slowly; walk slowly,' which
+seems to be of far-seeing application."
+
+"That's so," remarked the one by my side. "Separate it with the teeth,
+inch by inch."
+
+"I will be calm, then," continued the other (who, to avoid the
+complication of the intermingling circumstances, may be described as
+the more stranger of the two), and he took of his neckcloth. "I am a
+merchant in tea, yellow fat, and mixed spices, in a small but hitherto
+satisfactory way." Thus revealing himself, he continued to set forth
+how at an earlier hour he had started on a journey to deposit his
+wealth (doubtless as a propitiation of outraged deities) upon a
+certain bank, and how, upon reaching the specified point, he
+discovered that what he carried had eluded his vigilance. "All gone:
+notes, gold, and pocket-book--the savings of a lifetime," concluded
+the ill-omened one, and at the recollection a sudden and even more
+highly-sustained frenzy of self-unpopularity involving him, without a
+pause he addressed himself by seven and twenty insulting expressions,
+many of which were quite new to my understanding.
+
+At the earliest mention of the details affecting the loss, the elbow
+of the person who had made himself responsible for the financial
+obligation of the day propelled itself against my middle part, and
+unseen by the other he indicated to me by means of his features that
+the entertainment was becoming one of agreeable prepossession.
+
+"Now, touching this hyer wallet," he said presently. "How might you
+describe it?"
+
+"In colour it was red, and within were two compartments, the one
+containing three score notes each of ten pounds, the other fifty
+pounds of gold. But what's the use of describing it? Some lucky demon
+will pick it up and pocket the lot, and I shall never see a cent of it
+again."
+
+"Then you'd better consult one who reburnishes the eyes," declared
+the magnanimous one with a laugh, and drawing forth the article
+referred to he cast it towards the merchant in a small way.
+
+At this point of the narrative my thoroughly incompetent brush
+confesses the proportions of the requirement to be beyond its most
+extended limit, and many very honourable details are necessarily left
+without expression.
+
+"I've known men of all sorts, good, bad, and bothwise," exclaimed the
+one who had recovered his possessions; "but I never thought to meet a
+gent as would hand over six hundred and fifty pounds as if it was a
+toothpick. Sir, it overbalances me; it does, indeed."
+
+"Say no more about it," urged the first person, and to suggest
+gracefully that the incident had reached its furthest extremity, he
+began to set out the melody of an unspoken verse.
+
+"I will say no more, then," he replied; "but you cannot reasonably
+prevent my doing something to express my gratitude. If you are not too
+proud you will come and partake of food and wine with me beneath the
+sign of the Funereal Male Cow, and to show my confidence in you I
+shall insist upon you carrying my pocket-book."
+
+The person whom I had first encountered suffered his face to become
+excessively amused. "Say, stranger, do you take me for a pack-mule?"
+he replied good-naturedly. "I already have about as much as I want to
+handle. Never mind; we'll come along with you, and Mr. Kong shall
+carry your bullion."
+
+At this delicate and high-minded proposal a rapid change, in no way
+complimentary to my explicit habit of adequately conducting any
+venture upon which I may be engaged, came over the face of the second
+person.
+
+"Sir," he exclaimed, "I have nothing to say against this gentleman,
+but I am under no obligation to him, and I don't see why I should
+trust him with everything I possess."
+
+"Stranger," exclaimed the other rising to his feet (and from this
+point it must be understood that the various details succeeded one
+another with a really agile dexterity), "let me tell you that Mr. Kong
+is my friend, and that ought to be enough."
+
+"It is. If you say this gentleman is your friend, and that you have
+known him long and intimately enough to be able to answer for him,
+that's good enough for me."
+
+"Well," admitted the first person, and I could not conceal from myself
+that his tone was inauspiciously reluctant, "I can't exactly say that
+I've known him long; in fact I only met him half an hour ago. But I
+have the fullest confidence in his integrity."
+
+"It's just as I expected. Well, sir, you're good-natured enough for
+anything, but if you'll excuse me, I must say that you're a small
+piece of an earthenware vessel after all"--the veiled allusion
+doubtlessly being that the vessel of necessity being broken, the
+contents inevitably escape--"and I hope you're not being had."
+
+"I'm not, and I'll prove it before we go out together," retorted the
+engaging one, who had in the meantime become so actively impetuous on
+my account, that he did not remain content with the spoken words, but
+threw the various belongings about as he mentioned them in a really
+profuse display of inimitable vehemence. "Here, Kong, take this hyer
+pocket-book whatever he says. Now on the top of that take everything
+I've got, and you know what THAT figures up to. Now give this
+gentleman your little lot to keep him quiet; I don't ask for anything.
+Now, stranger, I'm ready. You and I will take a stroll round the block
+and back again, and if Mr. Kong isn't waiting here for us when we
+return with everything intact and O.K., I'll double your deposit and
+never trust a durned soul again."
+
+Nodding genially over his shoulder with a harmonious understanding,
+expressive of the fact that we were embarking upon an undeniably
+diverting episode, the benevolent-souled person who had accumulated
+more riches than he was competent to melt away himself, passed out,
+urging the doubtful and still protesting one before him.
+
+Thus abandoned to my own reflections, I pondered for a short time
+profitably on the third head of the day's meditation (Touching the
+match and this person's unattractively-lined face. The revealed truth:
+the inexperienced sheep cannot pass through the hedge without leaving
+portions of his wool), and then finding the philosophy of Wei Chung
+very good, I determined to remove the superfluous apprehensions of the
+vender of food-stuffs with less delay by setting out and meeting them
+on their return.
+
+A few paces distant from the door, one of the ever-present watchers of
+the street was standing, watching the street with unremitting
+vigilance, while from the well-guarded expression of his face it might
+nevertheless be gathered that he stood as though in expectation.
+
+"Prosperity," I said, with seasonable greeting. (For no excess of
+consideration is too great to be lavished upon these, who unite within
+themselves the courage of a high warrior, the expertness of a
+three-handed magician, and the courtesy of a genial mandarin.) "I seek
+two, apparelled thus and thus. Did you, by any chance, mark the
+direction of their footsteps?"
+
+"Oh," he said, regarding this person with a most flattering
+application, "YOU seek them, do you? Well, they've just gone off in
+a hansom, and they'll want a lot of seeking for the next week or two.
+You let them carry your purse, perhaps?"
+
+"Assuredly," I replied. "As a mark of confidence; this person, for his
+part, receiving a like token at their hands."
+
+"That's it," said the official watcher, conveying into his voice a
+subtle indication that he had become excessively fatigued. "It's like
+a nursery tale--never too old to take with the kids. Well, come along,
+poor lamb, the station isn't far."
+
+So great had become the reliance which by this time I habitually
+reposed in these men, that I never sought to oppose their
+pronouncements (such a course being not only useless but undignified),
+and we therefore together reached the place which the one by my side
+had described as a station.
+
+From the outside the building was in no way imposing, but upon
+reaching an inner dungeon it at once became plain that no matter with
+what crime a person might be charged, even the most stubborn
+resistance would be unavailing. Before a fiercely-burning fire were
+arranged metal pincers, massive skewers, ornamental branding irons,
+and the usual accessories of the grill, one tool being already thrust
+into the heart of the flame to indicate the nature of its use, and its
+immediate readiness for the purpose. Pegs from which the accused could
+be hung by the thumbs with weights attached to the feet, covered an
+entire wall; chains, shackling-irons, fetters, steel rings for
+compressing the throat, and belts for tightening the chest, all had
+their appointed places, while the Chair, the Boot, the Heavy Hat, and
+many other appliances quite unknown to our system of administering
+justice were scattered about.
+
+Without pausing to select any of these, the one who led me approached
+a raised desk at which was seated a less warlike official, whose
+sympathetic appearance inspired confidence. "Kong Ho," exclaimed to
+himself the person who is inscribing these words, "here is an
+individual into whose discriminating ear it would be well to pour the
+exact happening without evasion. Then even if the accusation against
+you be that of resembling another or trafficking with unlawful Forces,
+he will doubtless arrange the matter so that the expiation shall be as
+light and inexpensive as possible."
+
+By this time certain other officials had drawn near. "What is it?" I
+heard one demand, and another replied, "Brooklyn Ben and Jimmie the
+Butterman again. Ah, they aren't artful, are they!" but at this moment
+the two into whose power I had chiefly fallen having conversed
+together, I was commanded to advance towards them and reveal my name.
+
+"Kong," I replied freely; and I had formed a design to explain
+somewhat of the many illustrious ancestors of the House, when the one
+at the desk, pausing to inscribe my answer in a book, spoke out.
+
+"Kong?" he said. "Is that the christian or surname?"
+
+"Sir-name?" replied this person between two thoughts. "Undoubtedly the
+one before you is entitled by public examination to the degree
+'Recognised Talent,' which may, as a meritorious distinction, be held
+equal to your title of a warrior clad in armour. Yet, if it is so
+held, that would rightly be this person's official name of Paik."
+
+"Oh, it would, would it?" said the one seated upon the high chair.
+"That's quite clear. Are there any other names as well?"
+
+"Assuredly," I explained, pained inwardly that one of official rank
+should so slightly esteem my appearance as to judge that I was so
+meagrely endowed. "The milk name of Ho; Tsin upon entering the
+Classes; as a Great Name Cheng; another style in Quank; the official
+title already expressed, and T'chun, Li, Yuen and Nung as the various
+emergencies of life arise."
+
+"Thank you," said the high-chair official courteously. "Now, just the
+name in full, please, without any velvet trimmings."
+
+"Kong," began this person, desirous above all things of putting the
+matter competently, yet secretly perturbed as to what might be
+considered superfluous and what deemed a perfidious suppression, "Ho
+Tsin Cheng Quank--"
+
+"Hold hard," cried this same one, restraining me with an uplifted pen.
+"Did you say 'Quack'?"
+
+"Quack?" repeated this person, beginning to become involved within
+himself, and not grasping the detail in the right position. "In a
+manner of setting the expression forth--"
+
+"Put him down, 'Quack Duck,' sir," exclaimed one of dog-like dejection
+who stood by. "Most of these Lascars haven't got any real names--they
+just go by what any one happens to call them at the time, like
+'Burmese Ike' down at the Mint," and this person unfortunately
+chancing to smile and bow acquiescently at that moment (not with any
+set intention, but as a general principle of courteous urbanity), in
+place of his really distinguished titles he will henceforth appear
+among the historical records of this dynasty under what he cannot
+disguise from his inner misgivings to be the low-caste appellation of
+Quack Duck.
+
+"Now the address, please," continued the high one, again preparing to
+inscribe the word, and being determined that by no mischance should
+this particular be offensively reported, I unhesitatingly replied,
+"Beneath the Sign of the Lead Tortoise, on the northern course from
+the Lotus Pools outside the walls of Yuen-ping."
+
+This answer the one with the book did not immediately record. "I don't
+say it isn't all right when you know the parts," he remarked
+broad-mindedly, "but it does sound a trifle irregular. Can't you give
+it a number and a street?"
+
+"I fancy it must be a pub, sir," observed another. "He said that it
+had a sign--the Red Tortoise."
+
+"Well, haven't you got a London address?" said the high one, and this
+person being able to supply a street and a number as desired, this
+part of the undertaking was disposed of, to his cordial satisfaction.
+
+"Now let me see the articles which these men left with you," commanded
+the chieftain of the band, and without any misleading discrepancies I
+at once drew forth from an inner sleeve the two scrips, of which
+adequate mention has already been made, another hitherto undescribed,
+two instruments for measuring the passing hours of the day, together
+with a chain of fine gold ingeniously wrought into the semblance of a
+cable, an ornament for the breast, set about with a jewel, two
+neck-cloths of a kind usually carried in the pocket, a book for
+recording happenings of any moment, pieces of money to the value of
+about eleven taels, a silver flagon, a sheathed weapon and a few
+lesser objects of insignificant value. These various details I laid
+obsequiously before the one who had commanded it, while the others
+stood around either in explicit silence or speaking softly beneath
+their breath.
+
+"Do I understand that the two persons left all these things with you,
+while they took your purse in exchange?" said the high official, after
+examining certain obscure signs upon the metals, the contents of the
+third scrip, and the like.
+
+"It cannot reasonably be denied," I replied; "inasmuch as they
+departed without them."
+
+"Spontaneously?" he demanded, and in spite of the unevadible severity
+of his voice the expression of his nearer eye deviated somewhat.
+
+"The spoken and conclusive word of the first was that it was his
+intention to commit to this one's keeping everything which he had; the
+assertion of the second being that with this scrip I received all that
+he possessed."
+
+"While of yours, what did they get, Mr. Quack?" and the tone of the
+one who spoke had a much more gratifying modulation than before, while
+the attitudes of those who stood around had favourably changed, until
+they now conveyed a message of deliberate esteem.
+
+"A serpent-skin case of two enclosures," I replied. "On the one side
+was a handcount of the small copper-pieces of this Island, which I had
+caused to be burnished and gilt for the purpose of taking back to
+amuse those of Yuen-ping. On the other side were two or three pages
+from a gravity-removing printed leaf entitled 'Bits of Tits,' with
+which this person weekly instructs himself in the simpler rudiments of
+the language. For the rest the case was controlled by a hidden spring,
+and inscribed about with a charm against loss, consumption by fire, or
+being secretly acquired by the unworthy."
+
+"I don't think you stand in much need of that charm, Mr. Quack,"
+remarked another of more than ordinary rank, who was also present.
+"Then they really got practically no money from you?"
+
+"By no means," I admitted. "It was never literally stipulated, and
+whatever of wealth he possesses this person carries in a concealed
+spot beneath his waistbelt." (For even to these, virtuous sire, I did
+not deem it expedient to reveal the fact that in reality it is hidden
+within the sole of my left sandal.)
+
+"I congratulate you," he said with lavish refinement. "Ben and the
+Butterman can be very bland and persuasive. Could you tell me, as a
+matter of professional curiosity, what first put you on your guard?"
+
+"In this person's country," I replied, "there is an apt saying, 'The
+sagacious bird does not build his nest twice in the empty
+soup-toureen,' and by observing closely what has gone before one may
+accurately conjecture much that will follow after." It may be, that
+out of my insufferable shortcomings of style and expression, this
+answer did not convey to his mind the logical sequence of the warning;
+yet it would have been more difficult to show him how everything arose
+from the faultlessly-balanced system of the heroic Wei Chung, or the
+exact parallel lying between the ill-clad outcast who demanded a
+portion of tobacco and the cheerfully unassuming stranger who had in
+his possession a larger accumulation of money than he could
+conveniently disperse.
+
+In such a manner I took leave of the station and those connected with
+it, after directing that the share of the spoil which fell by the law
+of this Island to my lot should be sold and the money of exchange
+faithfully divided among the virtuous and necessitous of both sexes.
+The higher officials each waved me pleasantly by the hand, according
+to the striking and picturesque custom of the land, while the lesser
+ones stood around and spoke flattering words as I departed, as
+"honourable," "a small piece of all-right," "astute ancient male
+fowl," "ah!" and the like.
+
+With repeated assurances that however ineptly the adventure may at the
+time appear to be tending, as regards the essentials of true dignity
+and an undeviating grasp upon articles of negotiable value, nothing of
+a regrettable incident need be feared.
+
+KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER IX
+
+
+Concerning the proverb of the highly-accomplished horse. The
+various perils to be encountered in the Beneath Parts. The
+inexplicable journey performed by this one, and concerning the
+obscurity of the witchcraft employed.
+
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE,--Among these islanders there is a proverb, "Do not
+place the carte" (or card, the two words having an identical purport,
+and both signifying the inscribed tablet of viands prepared for a
+banquet,) before the horse." Doubtless the saying first arose as a
+timely rebuke to a certain barbarian emperor who announced his
+contempt for the intelligence of his subjects by conferring high
+mandarin rank upon a favourite steed and ceremoniously appointing it
+to be his chancellor; but from the narrower moral that an unreasoning
+animal is out of place, and even unseemly, in the entertaining hall or
+council chamber, the expression has in the course of time taken a
+wider application and is now freely used as an insidious thrust at one
+who may be suspected of contrariness of character, of confusing
+issues, or of acting in a vain or illogical manner. I had already
+preserved the saying among other instances of foreign thought and
+expression which I am collecting for your dignified amusement, as it
+is very characteristic of the wisdom and humour of these Outer Lands.
+The imagination is essentially barbaric. A horse--doubtless
+well-groomed, richly-caparisoned, and as intellectual as the
+circumstances will permit, but inevitably an animal of degraded
+attributes and untraceable ancestry--a horse reclining before a
+lavishly set-out table and considering well of what dish it shall next
+partake! Could anything, it appears, be more diverting! Truly to our
+more refined outlook the analogy is lacking both in delicacy of wit
+and in exactitude of balance, but to the grosser barbarian conception
+of what is gravity-removing it is irresistible.
+
+I am, however, reminded of the saying by perceiving that I was on the
+point of recording certain details of recent occurrence without first
+unrolling to your mind the incidents from which it has arisen that the
+person who is now communicating with you is no longer reposing in the
+Capital, but spending a period profitably in observing the habits of
+those who dwell in the more secluded recesses on the outskirts of the
+Island. This reversal of the proper sequence of affairs would
+doubtless strike those around as an instance of setting the banquet
+before the horse. Without delay, then, to pursue the allusion to its
+appropriate end, I will return, as it may be said, to my nosebag.
+
+At various points about the streets of the Capital there are certain
+caverns artificially let into the bowels of the earth, to which any
+person may betake himself upon purchasing a printed sign which he must
+display to the guardian of the gate. Once within the underneathmost
+parts he is free to be carried from place to place by means of the
+trains of carriages which I have already described to you, until he
+would return to the outer surface, when he must again display his
+talisman before he is permitted to pass forth. Nor is this an empty
+form, for upon an occasion this person himself witnessed a very bitter
+contention between a keeper of the barrier and one whose token had
+through some cause lost its potency.
+
+In the company of the experienced I had previously gone through the
+trial without mischance, so that recently when I expressed a wish to
+visit a certain Palace, and was informed that the most convenient
+manner would be to descend into the nearest cavern, I had no
+reasonable device for avoiding the encounter. Nevertheless,
+enlightened sire, I will not attempt to conceal from your omniscience
+that I was by no means impetuous towards the adventure. Owing to the
+pugnacious and unworthy suspicions of those who direct their
+destinies, I have not yet been able to penetrate the exact connection
+between the movements of these hot-smoke chariots and the Unseen
+Forces. To a person whose chief object in life is to avoid giving
+offence to any of the innumerable demons which are ever on the watch
+to revenge themselves upon our slightest indiscretion, this
+uncertainty opens an unending vista of intolerable possibilities. As
+if to emphasise the perils of this overhanging doubt the surroundings
+are ingeniously arranged so as to represent as nearly as practicable
+the terrors of the Beneath World. Both by day and night a funereal
+gloom envelops the caverns, the pathways and resting-places are meagre
+and so constructed as to be devoid of attraction or repose, and by a
+skilful contrivance the natural atmosphere is secretly withdrawn and a
+very acrimonious sulphurous haze driven in to replace it. In sudden
+and unforeseen places eyes of fire open and close with disconcerting
+rapidity, and even change colour in vindictive significance; wooden
+hands are outstretched as in unrelenting rigidity against
+supplication, or, divining the unexpressed thoughts, inexorably point,
+as one gazes, still deeper into the recesses of the earth; while the
+air is never free from the sounds of groans, shrieks, the rattling of
+chains, dull, hopeless noises beneath one's feet or overhead, and the
+hoarse wordless cries of despair with which the attending slaves of
+the caverns greet the distant clamour of every approaching
+fire-chariot. Admittedly the intention of the device is benevolently
+conceived, and it is strenuously asserted that many persons of corrupt
+habits and ill-balanced lives, upon waking unexpectedly while passing
+through these Beneath Parts, have abandoned the remainder of their
+journey, and, escaping hastily to the outer air, have from that time
+onwards led a pure and consistent existence; but, on the other foot,
+those who are compelled to use the caverns daily, freely confess that
+the surroundings to not in any material degree purify their lives of
+tranquillise the nature of their inner thoughts.
+
+In this emergency I did not neglect to write out a diversity of charms
+against every possible variety of evil influence, and concealing them
+lavishly about my head and body, I presented myself with the outer
+confidence of a person who is inured to the exploit. Doubtless thereby
+being mistaken for one of themselves in the obscurity, I received the
+inscribed safeguard without opposition, and even an added sum in
+copper pieces, which I discreetly returned to the one behind the
+shutter, with the request that he would honourably burn a few joss
+sticks or sacrifice to a trivial amount, to the success of my journey.
+In such a manner I reached an awaiting train, and, taking up within it
+a position of retiring modesty, I definitely committed myself to the
+undertaking.
+
+At the next tarrying place there entered a barbarian of high-class
+appearance, and being by this time less assured of my competence in
+the matter unaided, both on account of the multiplicity of evil omens
+on every side, and the perverse impulses of the guiding demon, whereby
+at sudden angles certain of my organs had the emotion of being left
+irrevocably behind and others of being snatched relentlessly forward,
+I approached him courteously.
+
+"Behold," I said, "many thousand li of water, both fresh and bitter,
+flow between the one who is addressing you and his native town of
+Yuen-ping, where the tablets at the street corners are as familiar to
+him as the lines of his own unshapely hands; for, as it is truly said,
+'Does the starling know the lotus roots, or the pomfret read its way
+by the signs among the upper branches of the pines?' Out of the
+necessities of his ignorance and your own overwhelming condescension
+enlighten him, therefore, whether the destination of this fire-chariot
+by any chance corresponds with the inscribed name upon his talisman?"
+
+Thus adjured, the stranger benevolently turned himself to the detail,
+and upon consulting a book of symbols he expressed himself to this
+wise: that after a sufficient interval I should come into a certain
+station, called in part after the title of the enlightened ruler of
+this Island, and there abandoning the train which was carrying us, I
+should enter another which would bring me out of the Beneath Parts and
+presently into the midst of that Palace which I sought. This advice
+seemed good, for a reasonable connection might be supposed to exist
+between a station so auspiciously called and a Palace bearing the
+harmonious name of the gracious and universally-revered
+sovereign-consort. Accordingly I thanked him ceremoniously, not only
+on my own part, but also on behalf of eleven generations of immediate
+ancestors, and in the name of seven generations who should come after,
+and he on his side agreeably replied that he was sure his grandmother
+would have done as much for mine, and he sincerely hoped that none of
+his great-great-grandchildren would prove less obliging. In this
+intellectual manner, varied with the entertainment of profuse bows,
+the time passed cordially between us until the barbarian reached his
+own alighting stage, when he again repeated the various details of the
+strategy for my observance.
+
+At this point let it be set forth deliberately that there existed no
+treachery in the advice, still less that this person is incapable of
+competently achieving the destined end of any hazard upon which he may
+embark when once the guiding signs have been made clear to his
+understanding. Whatever entanglement arose was due merely to the
+conflicting manners of expression used by two widely-varying races,
+even as our own proverb says, "What is only sauce for the cod is
+serious for the oyster."
+
+At the station indicated as bearing the sign of the ruler of the
+country (which even a person of little discernment could have
+recognised by the highly-illuminated representation bearing the
+elusively-worded inscription, "In packets only"), I left this
+fire-chariot, and at once perceiving another in an attitude of
+departure, I entered it, as the casual barbarian had definitely
+instructed, and began to assure myself that I had already become
+expertly proficient in the art of journeying among these Beneath
+Regions and to foresee the time, not far distant, when others would
+confidently address themselves to me in their extremities. So
+entrancing did this contemplation grow, that this outrageous person
+began to compose the actual words with which he would instruct them as
+the occasion arose, as thus, "Undoubtedly, O virtuous and not
+unattractive maiden, this fire-engine will ultimately lead your
+refined footsteps into the street called Those who Bake Food. Do not
+hesitate, therefore, to occupy the vacant place by this insignificant
+one's side"; or, "By no means, honourable sir; the Cross of Charing is
+in the precisely opposite direction to that selected by this
+self-opinionated machine for its inopportune destination. Do not
+rebuke this person for his immoderate loss of mental gravity, for your
+mistake, though pardonable in a stranger, is really excessively
+diverting. Your most prudent course now will assuredly be to cast
+yourself from the carriage without delay and rely upon the benevolent
+intervention of a fire-chariot proceeding backwards."
+
+Alas, it is truly said, "None but sword-swallowers should endeavour to
+swallow swords," thereby signifying the vast chasm that lies between
+those who are really adroit in an undertaking and those who only think
+that they may easily become so. Presently it began to become deeply
+impressed upon my discrimination that the journey was taking a more
+lengthy duration than I had been given to understand would be the
+case, while at the same time a permanent deliverance from the terrors
+of the Beneath Parts seemed to be insidiously lengthening out into a
+funereal unattainableness. The point of this person's destination, he
+had been assured on all hands, was a spot beyond which even the most
+aggressively assertive engine could not proceed, so that he had no
+fears of being incapably drawn into more remote places, yet when hour
+after hour passed and the ill-destined machine never failed in its
+malicious endeavours to leave each successive tarrying station, it is
+not to be denied that my imagination dwelt regretfully upon the true
+civilisation of our own enlightened country, where, by the considerate
+intervention of an all-wise government, the possibilities of so
+distressing an experience are sympathetically removed from one's path.
+Thus the greater part of the day had faded, and I was conjecturing
+that by this time we must inevitably be approaching the barren and
+inhospitable country which forms the northern limit of the Island,
+when the door suddenly opened and the barbarian stranger whom I had
+left many hundred li behind entered the carriage.
+
+At this manifestation all uncertainty departed, and I now understood
+that to some obscure end witchcraft of a very powerful and high-caste
+kind was being employed around me; for in no other way was it credible
+to one's intelligence that a person could propel himself through the
+air with a speed greater than that of one of these fire-chariots, and
+overtake it. Doubtless it was a part of this same scheme which made it
+seem expedient to the stranger that he should feign a part, for he at
+once greeted me as though the occasion were a matter of everyday
+happening, exclaiming genially--
+
+"Well, Mr. Kong, returning? And what do you think of the Palace?"
+
+"It is fitly observed, 'To the earthworm the rice stalk is as high as
+the pagoda,'" I replied with adroit evasion, clearly understanding
+from his manner that for some reason, not yet revealed to me, a course
+of dissimulation was expedient in order to mislead the surrounding
+demons concerning my movements, and by a subtle indication of the face
+conveying to the stranger an assurance that I had tactfully grasped
+the requirement, and would endeavour to walk well upon his heels, "and
+therefore it would be unseemly for a person of my insignificant
+attainments to engage in the doubtful flattery of comparing it with
+the many other residences of the pure and exalted which embellish your
+Capital."
+
+"Oh," said the one whom I may now suitably describe by the name of Sir
+Philip, "that's rather a useful proverb sometimes. Many people there?"
+
+At this inquiry I could not disguise from myself an emotion that the
+person seated opposite was not diplomatically inspired in so
+persistently clinging to the one subject upon which he must assuredly
+know that I experienced an all-pervading deficiency. Nevertheless,
+being by this more fully convinced that the disguise was one of
+critical necessity, and not deeming that the essential ceremonies of
+one Palace would differ from those of another, no matter in what land
+they stood (while through all I read a clear design on Sir Philip's
+part that the opportunity was craftily arranged so that I might
+impress upon any vindictively-intentioned spirits within hearing an
+assumption of high protection), I replied that the gathering had been
+one of unparalleled splendour, both by reason of the multitude of
+exalted nobles present and also owing to the jewelled magnificence
+lavished on every detail. Furthermore, I continued, now definitely
+abandoning all the promptings of a wise reserve, and reflecting, as we
+say, that one may as well be drowned in the ocean as in a wooden
+bucket, not only did the sublime and unapproachable sovereign
+graciously permit me to kow-tow respectfully before him, but
+subsequently calling me to his side beneath a canopy of golden
+radiance, he conversed genially with me and benevolently assured me of
+his sympathetic favour on all occasions (this, I conjectured, would
+certainly overawe any Evil Force not among the very highest circles),
+while the no less magnanimous Prince of the Imperial Line questioned
+me with flattering assiduousness concerning a method of communicating
+with persons at a distance by means of blows or stamps upon a post (as
+far as the outer meaning conveyed itself to me), the houses which we
+build, and whether they contained an adequate provision of enclosed
+spaces in the walls.
+
+Doubtless I could have continued in this praiseworthy spirit of
+delicate cordiality to an indefinite amount had I not chanced to
+observe at this point that the expression of Sir Philip's urbanity had
+become entangled in a variety of other emotions, not all propitious to
+the scheme, so that in order to retire imperceptibly within myself I
+smiled broad-mindedly, remarking that it was well said that the moon
+was only bright while the sun was hid, and that I had lately been
+dazzled with the sight of so much brilliance and virtuous
+condescension that there were occasions when I questioned inwardly how
+much I had really witnessed, and how much had been conveyed to me in
+the nature of an introspective vision.
+
+It will already have been made plain to you, O my courtly-mannered
+father, that these barbarians are totally deficient in the polite art
+whereby two persons may carry on a flattering and highly-attuned
+conversation, mutually advantageous to the esteem of each, without it
+being necessary in any way that their statements should have more than
+an ornamental actuality. So wanting in this, the most concentrated
+form of truly well-bred entertainment, are even their high officials,
+that after a few more remarks, to which I made answer in a spirit of
+skilfully-sustained elusiveness, the utterly obtuse Sir Philip said at
+length, "Excuse my asking, Mr. Kong, but have you really been to the
+Alexandra Palace at all?"
+
+Admittedly there are few occasions in life on which it is not possible
+to fail to see the inopportune or low-class by a dignified
+impassiveness of features, an adroitly-directed jest, or a remark of
+baffling inconsequence, but in the face of so distressingly
+straightforward a demand what can be advanced by a person of
+susceptible refinement when opposed to one of incomparably larger
+dimensions, imprisoned by his side in the recess of a fire-chariot
+which is leaping forward with uncurbed velocity, and surrounded by
+demons with whose habits and partialities he is unfamiliar?
+
+"In a manner of expressing the circumstance," I replied, "it is not to
+be denied that this person's actual footsteps may have imperceptibly
+been drawn somewhat aside from the path of his former design. Yet
+inasmuch as it is truly said that the body is in all things
+subservient to the mind, and is led withersoever it is willed, and as
+your engaging directions were scrupulously observed with undeviating
+fidelity, it would be impertinently self-opinionated on this person's
+part to imply that they failed to guide him to his destination. Thus,
+for all ceremonial purposes, it is permissible conscientiously to
+assume that he HAS been there."
+
+"I am afraid that I must not have been sufficiently clear," said Sir
+Philip. "Did you miss the train at King's Cross?"
+
+"By no means," I replied firmly, pained inwardly that he should cast
+the shadow of such narrow incompetence upon me. "Seeing this machine
+on the point of setting forth on a journey, even as your overwhelming
+sagacity had enabled you to predict would be the case, I embarked with
+self-reliant confidence."
+
+"Good lord!" murmured the person opposite, beginning to manifest an
+excess of emotion for which I was quite unable to account. "Then you
+have been in this train--your actual footsteps I mean, Mr. Kong; not
+your ceremonial abstract subliminal ego--ever since?"
+
+To this I replied that his words shone like the moon at midnight with
+scintillating points of truth; adding, however, as the courtesies of
+the occasion required, that I had been so impressed with the
+many-sided brilliance of his conversation earlier in the day as to
+render the flight of time practically unnoticed by me.
+
+"But did it never occur to you to ask at one of the stations?" he
+demanded, still continuing to wave his hands incapably from side to
+side. "Any of the porters would have told you."
+
+"Kong Li Heng, the founder of our line, who was really great, has been
+dead eleven centuries, and no single fact or incident connected with
+his life has been preserved to influence mankind," I replied. "How
+much less will it matter, then, even in so limited a space of time as
+a hundred years, in what fashion so insignificant a person as the one
+before you acted on any occasion, and why, therefore, should he
+distress himself unnecessarily to any precise end?" In this manner I
+sought to place before him the dignified example of an
+imperturbability which can be maintained in every emergency, and at
+the same time to administer a plain yet scrupulously-sheathed rebuke;
+for the inauspicious manner in which he had first drawn me on to speak
+confidently of the ceremonies of the Royal Palace and then held up my
+inadequacy to undeserved contempt had not rejoiced my imagination, and
+I was still uncertain how much to claim, and whether, perchance, even
+yet a more subtle craft lay under all.
+
+"Well, in any case, when you go back you can claim the distinction of
+having been taken seven times round London, although you can't really
+have seen much of it," said Sir Philip. "This is a Circle train."
+
+At this assertion I looked up. Though admittedly curved a little about
+the roof the chariot was in every essential degree what we should
+pronounce to be a square one; whereupon, feeling at length that the
+involvement had definitely passed to a point beyond my contemptible
+discernment, I spread out my hands acquiescently and affably remarked
+that the days were lengthening out pleasantly.
+
+In such a manner I became acquainted with the one Sir Philip, and
+thereby, in a somewhat circuitous line, the original purpose which
+possessed my brush when I began this inept and commonplace letter is
+reached; for the person in question not only lay upon himself the
+obligation of leading me "by the strings of his apron-garment"--in the
+characteristic and fanciful turn of the barbarian language--to that
+same Palace on the following day, but thenceforth gracefully affecting
+to discern certain agreeable virtues in my conversation and custom of
+habit he frequently sought me out. More recently, on the double plea
+that they of his household had a desire to meet me, and that if I
+spent all my time within the Capital my impressions of the Island
+would necessarily be ill-balanced and deformed, he advanced a project
+that I should accompany him to a spot where, as far as I was competent
+to grasp the idiom, he was in the habit of sitting (doubtless in an
+abstruse reverie), in the country; and having assured myself by means
+of discreet innuendo that the seat referred to would be adequate for
+this person also, and that the occasion did not in any way involve a
+payment of money, I at once expressed my willingness towards the
+adventure.
+
+With numerous expressions of unfeigned regret (from a filial point of
+view) that the voice of one of the maidens of the household, lifted in
+the nature of a defiance against this one to engage with her in a
+two-handed conflict of hong pong, obliges him to bring this immature
+composition to a hasty close.
+
+KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER X
+
+
+Concerning the authority of this high official, Sir Philip.
+The side-slipperyness of barbarian etiquette. The hurl-
+headlong sportiveness and that achieving its end by means of
+curved mallets.
+
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE,--If this person's memory is accurately poised on the
+detail, he was compelled to abandon his former letter (when on the
+point of describing the customs of these outer places), in order to
+take part in a philosophical discussion with some of the venerable
+sages of the neighbourhood.
+
+Resuming the narration where it had reached this remote province of
+the Empire, it is a suitable opportunity to explain that this same Sir
+Philip is here greeted on every side with marks of deferential
+submission, and is undoubtedly an official of high button, for
+whenever the inclination seizes him he causes prisoners to be sought
+out, and then proceeds to administer justice impartially upon them. In
+the case of the wealthy and those who have face to lose, the matter is
+generally arranged, to his profit and to the satisfaction of all, by
+the payment of an adequate sum of money, after the invariable custom
+of our own mandarincy. When this incentive to leniency is absent it is
+usual to condemn the captive to imprisonment in a cell (it is denied
+officially, but there is no reason to doubt that a large earthenware
+vessel is occasionally used for this purpose,) for varying periods,
+though it is notorious that in the case of the very necessitous they
+are sometimes set freely at liberty, and those who took them publicly
+reprimanded for accusing persons from whose condition on possible
+profit could arise. This confinement is seldom inflicted for a longer
+period than seven, fourteen, or twenty-one days (these being lucky
+numbers,) except in the case of those who have been held guilty of
+ensnaring certain birds and beasts which appear to be regarded as
+sacred, for they have their duly appointed attendants who wear a garb
+and are trained in the dexterous use of arms, lurking with loaded
+weapons in secret places to catch the unwary, both by night and day.
+Upheld by the high nature of their office these persons shrink from no
+encounter and even suffer themselves to be killed with resolute
+unconcern; but when successful they are not denied an efficient
+triumph, for it is admitted that those whom they capture are marked
+men from that time (doubtless being branded upon the body with the
+name of their captor), and no future defence is availing. The third
+punishment, that of torture, is reserved for a class of solitary
+mendicants who travel from place to place, doubtless spreading the
+germs of an inflammatory doctrine of rebellion, for, owing to my own
+degraded obtuseness, the actual nature of their crimes could never be
+made clear to me. Of the tortures employed that known in their
+language as the "bath" (for which we have no real equivalent,) is the
+most dreaded, and this person has himself beheld men of gigantic
+proportions, whose bodies bore the stain of a voluntary endurance to
+every privation, abandon themselves to a most ignoble despair upon
+hearing the ill-destined word. Unquestionably the infliction is
+closely connected with our own ordeal of boiling water, but from other
+indications it is only reasonable to admit that there is an added
+ingredient, of which we probably have no knowledge, whereby the effect
+is enhanced in every degree, and the outer surface of the victim
+rendered more vulnerable. There is also another and milder form of
+torture, known as the "task", consisting either of sharp-edged stones
+being broken upon the body, or else the body broken upon sharp-edged
+stones, but precisely which is the official etiquette of the case this
+person's insatiable passion for accuracy and his short-sighted
+limitations among the more technical outlines of the language, prevent
+him from stating definitely.
+
+Let it here be openly confessed that the intricately-arranged titles
+used among these islanders, and the widely-varying dignities which
+they convey, have never ceased to embarrass my greetings on all
+occasions, and even yet, when a more crystal insight into their
+strangely illogical manners enables me not only to understand them
+clearly myself, but also to expound their significance to others, a
+necessary reticence is blended with my most profuse cordiality, and my
+salutations to one whom I am for the first time encountering are now
+so irreproachably balanced, that I can imperceptibly develop them into
+an engaging effusion, or, without actual offence, draw back into a
+condition of unapproachable exclusiveness as the necessity may arise.
+With us, O my immaculate sire, a yellow silk umbrella has for three
+thousand years denoted a fixed and recognisable title. A mandarin of
+the sixth degree need not hesitate to mingle on terms of assured
+equality with other mandarins of the sixth degree, and without any
+guide beyond a seemly instinct he perceives the reasonableness of
+assuming a deferential obsequiousness before a mandarin of the fifth
+rank, and a counterbalancing arrogance when in the society of an
+official who has only risen to the seventh degree, thus conforming to
+that essential principle of harmonious intercourse, "Remember that
+Chang Chow's ceiling is Tong Wi's floor"; but who shall walk with even
+footsteps in a land where the most degraded may legally bear the same
+distinguished name as that of the enlightened sovereign himself, where
+the admittedly difficult but even more purposeless achievement of
+causing a gold mine to float is held to be more praiseworthy than to
+pass a competitive examination or to compose a poem of inimitable
+brilliance, and where one wearing gilt buttons and an emblem in his
+hat proves upon ingratiating approach not to be a powerful official
+but a covetous and illiterate slave of inferior rank? Thus, through
+their own narrow-minded inconsistencies, even the most
+ceremoniously-proficient may at times present an ill-balanced
+attitude. This, without reproach to himself, concerns the inward cause
+whereby the one who is placed to you in the relation of an
+affectionate and ever-resourceful son found unexpectedly that he
+had lost the benignant full face of a lady of exalted title.
+
+At that time I had formed the acquaintance, in an obscure quarter of
+the city, of one who wore a uniform, and was addressed on all sides as
+the commander of a band, while the gold letters upon the neck part of
+his outer garment inevitably suggested that he had borne an honourable
+share in the recent campaign in a distant land. As I had frequently
+met many of similar rank drinking tea at the house of the engaging
+countess to whom I have alluded, I did not hesitate to prevail upon
+this Captain Miggs to accompany me there upon an occasion also,
+assuring him of equality and a sympathetic reception; but from the
+moment of our arrival the attitudes of those around pointed to the
+existence of some unpropitious barrier invisible to me, and when the
+one with whom I was associated took up an unassailable position upon
+the central table, and began to speak authoritatively upon the subject
+of The Virtues, the unenviable condition of the proud and affluent,
+and the myriads of fire-demons certainly laying in wait for those who
+partook of spiced tea and rich foods in the afternoon, and did not
+wear a uniform similar to his own, I began to recognise that the
+selection had been inauspiciously arranged. Upon taxing some around
+with the discrepancy (as there seemed to be no more dignified way of
+evading the responsibility), they were unable to contend against me
+that there were, indeed, two, if not more, distinct varieties of those
+bearing the rank of captain, and that they themselves belonged to an
+entirely different camp, wearing another dress, and possessing no
+authority to display the symbol of the letters S.A. upon their necks.
+With this admission I was content to leave the matter, in no way
+accusing them of actual duplicity, yet so withdrawing that any of
+unprejudiced standing could not fail to carry away the impression that
+I had been the victim of an unworthy artifice, and had been lured into
+their society by the pretext that they were other than what they
+really were.
+
+With the bitter-flavoured memory of this, and other in no way
+dissimilar episodes, lingering in my throat, it need not be a matter
+of conjecture that for a time I greeted warily all who bore a title, a
+mark of rank, or any similar appendage; who wore a uniform, weapon,
+brass helmet, jewelled crown, coat of distinctive colour, or any
+excessive superfluity of pearl or metal buttons; who went forth
+surrounded by a retinue, sat publicly in a chair or allegorical
+chariot, spoke loudly in the highways and places in a tone of official
+pronouncement, displayed any feather, emblem, inscribed badge, or
+printed announcement upon a pole, or in any way conducted themselves
+in what we should esteem to be fitting to a position of high dignity.
+From this arose the absence of outward enthusiasm with which I at
+first received Sir Philip's extended favour; for although I had come
+to distrust all the reasonable signs of established power, I
+distrusted, to a much more enhanced degree, their complete absence;
+and when I observed that the one in question was never accompanied by
+a band of musicians or flower-strewers, that he mingled as though on
+terms of familiar intercourse with the ordinary passers-by in the
+streets, and never struck aside those who chanced to impede his
+progress, and that he actually preferred those of low condition to
+approach him on their feet, rather than in the more becoming attitude
+of unconditional prostration, I reasoned with myself whether indeed he
+could consistently be a person of well-established authority, or
+whether I was not being again led away from my self-satisfaction by
+another obliquity of barbarian logic. It was for this reason that I
+now welcomed the admitted power which he has of incriminating persons
+in a variety of punishable offences, and I perceived with an added
+satisfaction that here, where this privilege is more fully understood,
+few meet him without raising their hands to the upper part of their
+heads in token of unquestioning submission; or, as one would interpret
+the symbolism into actual words, meaning, "Thus, from this point to
+the underneath part of our sandals, all between lies in the hollow of
+your comprehensive hand."
+                                  *
+
+There is a written jest among another barbarian nation that these
+among whom I am tarrying, being by nature a people who take their
+pleasures tragically, when they rise in the morning say, one to
+another, "Come, behold; it is raining again as usual; let us go out
+and kill somebody." Undoubtedly the pointed end of this adroit-witted
+saying may be found in the circumstance that it is, indeed, as the
+proverb aptly claims, raining on practically every occasion in life;
+while, to complete the comparison, for many dynasties past this nation
+has been successfully engaged in killing people (in order to promote
+their ultimate benefit through a momentary inconvenience,) in every
+part of the world. Thus the lines of parallel thought maintain a
+harmonious balance beyond the general analogy of their sayings; but
+beneath this may be found an even subtler edge, for in order to inure
+themselves to the requirement of a high destiny their various games
+and manners of disportment are, with a set purpose, so rigorously
+contested that in their progress most of the weak and inefficient are
+opportunely exterminated.
+
+There is a favourite and well-attended display wherein two opposing
+bands, each clad in robes of a distinctive colour, stand in extended
+lines of mutual defiance, and at a signal impetuously engage. The
+design of each is by force or guile to draw their opponents into an
+unfavourable position before an arch of upright posts, and then
+surging irresistibly forward, to carry them beyond the limit and hurl
+them to the ground. Those who successfully inflict this humiliation
+upon their adversaries until they are incapable of further resistance
+are hailed victorious, and sinking into a graceful attitude receive
+each a golden cup from the magnanimous hands of a maiden chose to the
+service, either on account of her peerless outline, the dignified
+position of her House, or (should these incentives be obviously
+wanting,) because the chief ones of her family are in the habit of
+contributing unstintingly to the equipment of the triumphal band.
+There is also another kind of strife, differing in its essentials only
+so far that all who engage therein are provided with a curved staff,
+with which they may dexterously draw their antagonists beyond the
+limits, or, should they fail to defend themselves adequately, break
+the smaller bones of their ankles. But this form of encounter, despite
+the use of these weapons, is really less fatal than the other, for it
+is not a permissible act to club an antagonist resentfully about the
+head with the staff, nor yet even to thrust it rigidly against his
+middle body. From this moderation the public countenance extended to
+the curved-pole game is contemptibly meagre when viewed by the side of
+the overwhelming multitudes which pour along every channel in order to
+witness a more than usually desperate trial of the hurl-headlong
+variety (the sight, indeed, being as attractive to these pale,
+blood-thirsty foreigners as an unusually large execution is with us),
+and as a consequence the former is little reputed save among maidens,
+the feeble, and those of timorous instincts.
+
+Thus positioned, regarding a knowledge of their outside amusements, it
+has always been one of the most prominent ambitions of this person's
+strategy to avoid being drawn into any encounter. At the same time,
+the thought that the maidens of the household here (of whom there are
+several, all so attractively proportioned that to compare them in a
+spirit of definite preference would be distastefully presumptuous to
+this person,) should regard me as one lacking in a sufficient display
+of violence was not fragrant to my sense of refinement; so that when
+Sir Philip, a little time after our arrival, related to me that on the
+following day he and a chosen band were to be engaged in the match of
+a cricket game against adversaries from the village, and asked whether
+I cared to bear a part in the strife, I grasped the muscles of the
+upper part of my left arm with my right hand--as I had frequently seen
+the hardy and virile do when the subject of their powers had been
+raised questioningly--and replied that I had long concealed an
+insatiable wish to take such a part at a point where the conflict
+would be the most revengefully contested.
+
+Being thus inflexibly committed it became very necessary to arrange a
+well-timed intervention (whether in the nature of bodily disorder,
+fire, or demoniacal upheaval, a warning omen, or the death of some of
+our chief antagonists), but before doing so I was desirous of
+understanding how this contest, which had hitherto remained outside my
+experience, was waged.
+
+There is here one of benevolent rotundity in whose authority lie the
+cavernous stores beneath the house and the vessels of gold and silver;
+of menial rank admittedly, yet exacting a seemly deference from all by
+the rich urbanity of his voice and the dignity of his massive
+proportions. In the affable condescension of his tone, and the
+discriminating encouragement of his attitude towards me on all
+occasions, I have read a sympathetic concern over my welfare. Him I
+now approached, and taking him aside, I first questioned him
+flatteringly about his age and the extent of his yearly recompense,
+and then casually inquired what in his language he would describe the
+nature of a cricket to be.
+
+"A cricket?" repeated the obliging person readily; "a cricket, sir, is
+a hinsect. Something, I take it, after the manner of a grass-'opper."
+
+"Truly," I agreed. "It is aptly likened. And, to continue the simile,
+a game cricket--?"
+
+"A game cricket?" he replied; "well, sir, naturally a game one would
+be more gamier than the others, wouldn't it?"
+
+"The inference is unflinching," I admitted, and after successfully
+luring away his mind from any significance in the inquiry by asking
+him whether the gift of a lacquered coffin or an embroidered shroud
+would be the more regarded on parting, I left him.
+
+His words, esteemed, for a definite reason were as the jade-clappered
+melody of a silver bell. This trial of sportiveness, it became
+clear,--less of a massacre than most of their amusements--is really a
+rivalry of leapings and dexterity of the feet: a conflict of game
+crickets or grass-hoppers, in the somewhat wide-angled obscurity of
+their language, or, as we would more appropriately call it doubtless,
+a festive competition in the similitude of high-spirited locusts. To
+whatever degree the surrounding conditions might vary, there could no
+longer be a doubt that the power of leaping high into the air was the
+essential constituent of success in this barbarian match of
+crickets--and in such an accomplishment this person excelled from the
+time of his youth with a truly incredible proficiency. Can it be a
+reproach, then, that when I considered this, and saw in a vision the
+contempt of inferiority which I should certainly be able to inflict
+upon these native crickets before the eyes of their maidens, even the
+accumulated impassiveness of thirty-seven generations of Kong
+fore-fathers broke down for the moment, and unable to restrain every
+vestige of emotion I crept unperceived to the ancestral hall of Sir
+Philip and there shook hands affectionately with myself before each of
+the nine ironclad warriors about its walls before I could revert to a
+becoming state of trustworthy unconcern. That night in my own upper
+chamber I spent many hours in testing my powers and studying more
+remarkable attitudes of locust flight, and I even found to be within
+myself some new attainments of life-like agility, such as feigning the
+continuous note of defiance with which the insect meets his adversary,
+as remaining poised in the air for an appreciable moment at the summit
+of each leap, and of conveying to the body a sudden and disconcerting
+sideway movement in the course of its ascent. So immersed did I become
+in the achievement of a high perfection that, to my never-ending
+self-reproach, I failed to notice a supernatural visitation of
+undoubted authenticity; for the next morning it was widely admitted
+that a certain familiar demon of the house, which only manifests its
+presence on occasions of tragic omen, had been heard throughout the
+night in warning, not only beating its head and body against the walls
+and doors in despair, but raising from time to time a wailing cry of
+soul-benumbing bitterness.
+
+With every assurance that the next letter, though equally distorted in
+style and immature in expression, will contain the record of a
+deteriorated but ever upward-striving son's ultimate triumph.
+
+KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XI
+
+
+Concerning the game which we should call "Locusts," and the
+deeper significance of its acts. The solicitous warning of one
+passing inwards and the complication occasioned by his ill-
+chosen words. Concerning that victory already dimly foreshadowed.
+
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE,--This barbarian game of agile grass-hoppers is not
+conducted in the best spirit of a really well-balanced display, and
+although the one now inscribing his emotions certainly achieved a wide
+popularity, and wore his fig leaves with becoming modesty, he has
+never since been quite free from an overhanging doubt that the
+compliments and genial remarks with which he was assailed owed their
+modulation to an unsubstantial atmosphere of two-edged significance
+which for a period enveloped all whom he approached; as in the faces
+of maidens concealed behind fans when he passed, the down-drawn lips
+and up-raised eyes of those of fuller maturity, the practice in most
+of his own kind of turning aside, pressing their hands about their
+middle parts, and bending forward into a swollen attitude devoid of
+grace, on the spur of a sudden remembrance, and in the auspicious but
+undeniably embarrassing manner in which all the unfledged ones of the
+village clustered about his retiring footsteps, saluting him
+continually as one "James," upon whom had been conferred the
+gratifying title of "Sunny." Thus may the outline of the combat be
+recounted.
+
+From each opposing group eleven were chosen as a band, and we of our
+company putting on a robe of distinctive green (while they elected to
+be regarded as an assemblage of brown crickets), we presently came to
+a suitable spot where the trial was to be decided. So far this person
+had reasonably assumed that at a preconcerted signal the contest would
+begin, all rising into the air together, uttering cries of menace,
+bounding unceasingly and in every way displaying the dexterity of our
+proportions. Indeed, in the reasonableness of this expectation it
+cannot be a matter for reproach to one of the green grass-hoppers--who
+need not be further indicated--that he had already begun a
+well-simulated note of challenge to those around clad in brown, and to
+leap upwards in a preparatory essay, when the ever-alert Sir Philip
+took him affectionately by the arm, on the plea that the seclusion of
+a neighbouring pavilion afforded a desirable shade.
+
+Beyond that point it is difficult to convey an accurately grouped and
+fully spread-out design of the encounter. In itself the scheme and
+intention of counterfeiting the domestic life and rivalries of two
+opposing bands of insects was pleasantly conceived, and might have
+been carried out with harmonious precision, but, after the manner of
+these remote tribes, the original project had been overshadowed and
+the purity of the imagination lost beneath a mass of inconsistent
+detail. To this imperfection must it be laid that when at length this
+person was recalled from the obscurity of the pagoda and the alluring
+society of a maiden of the village, to whom he was endeavouring to
+expound the strategy of the game, and called upon to engage actively
+in it, he courteously admitted to those who led him forth that he had
+not the most shadowy-outlined idea of what was required of him.
+
+Nevertheless they bound about his legs a frilled armour, ingeniously
+fashioned to represent the ribbed leanness of the insect's shank,
+encased his hands and feet in covers to a like purpose, and pressing
+upon him a wooden club indicated that the time had come for him to
+prove his merit by venturing alone into the midst of the eleven brown
+adversaries who stood at a distance in poised and expectant attitudes.
+
+Assuredly, benignant one, this sport of contending locusts began, as
+one approached nearer to it, to wear no more pacific a face than if it
+had been a carnage of the hurl-headlong or the curved-hook varieties.
+In such a competition, it occurred to him, how little deference would
+be paid to this one's title of "Established Genius," or how
+inadequately would he be protected by his undoubted capacity of
+leaping upwards, and even in a sideway direction, for no matter how
+vigorously he might propel himself, or how successfully he might
+endeavour to remain self-sustained in the air, the ill-destined moment
+could not be long deferred when he must come down again into the midst
+of the eleven--all doubtless concealing weapons as massive and
+fatally-destructive as his own. This prospect, to a person of
+quiescent taste, whose chief delight lay in contemplating the
+philosophical subtleties of the higher Classics, was in itself devoid
+of glamour, but with what funereal pigments shall he describe his
+sinking emotions when one of his own band, approaching him as he went,
+whispered in his ear, "Look out at this end; they kick up like the
+very devil. And their man behind the wicket is really smart; if you
+give him half a chance he'll have your stumps down before you can say
+'knife.'" Shorn of its uncouth familiarity, this was a charitable
+warning that they into whose stronghold I was turning my
+footsteps--perhaps first deceiving my alertness with a proffered
+friendship--would kick with the ferocity of untamed demons, and that
+one in particular, whose description, to my added despair, I was
+unable to retain, was known to possess a formidable knife, with which
+it was his intention to cut off this person's legs at the first
+opportunity, before he could be accused of the act. Truly, "To one
+whom he would utterly destroy Buddha sends a lucky dream."
+
+Behind lay the pagoda (though the fact that this one did admittedly
+turn round for a period need not be too critically dwelt upon), with
+three tiers of maidens, some already waving their hands as an
+encouraging token; on each side a barrier of prickly growth
+inopportunely presented itself, while in front the eleven kicking
+crickets stood waiting, and among them lurked the one grasping a
+doubly-edged blade of a highly proficient keenness.
+
+There are occasional moments in the life of a person when he as the
+inward perception of retiring for a few paces and looking back in
+order to consider his general appearance and to judge how he is
+situated with regard to himself, to review his past life in a spirit
+of judicial severity, to arrange definitely upon a future composed
+entirely of acts of benevolence, and to examine the working of destiny
+at large. In such a scrutiny I now began to understand that it would
+perhaps have been more harmonious to my love of contemplative repose
+if I had considered the disadvantages closer before venturing into
+this barbarian region, or, at least, if I had used the occasion
+profitably to advance an argument tending towards a somewhat fuller
+allowance of taels from your benevolent sleeve. Our own virtuous and
+flower-strewn land, it is true, does not possess an immunity from
+every trifling drawback. The Hoang Ho--to concede specifically the
+existence of some of these--frequently bursts through its restraining
+barriers and indiscriminately sweeps away all those who are so
+ill-advised as to dwell within reach of its malignant influence. From
+time to time wars and insurrections are found to be necessary, and no
+matter how morally-intentioned and humanely conducted, they
+necessarily result in the violation, dismemberment or extirpation of
+many thousand polite and dispassionate persons who have no concern
+with either side. Towns are repeatedly consumed by fire, districts
+scourged by leprosy, and provinces swept by famine. The storms are
+admittedly more fatal than elsewhere, the thunderbolts larger, more
+numerous, and all unerringly directed, while the extremities of heat
+and cold render life really uncongenial for the greater part of each
+year. The poor, having no money to secure justice, are evilly used,
+whereas the wealthy, having too much, are assailed legally by the
+gross and powerful for the purpose of extorting their riches. Robbers
+and assassins lurk in every cave; vast hoards of pirates blacken the
+surface of every river; and mandarins of the nine degrees must make a
+livelihood by some means or other. By day, therefore, it is
+inadvisable to go forth and encounter human beings, while none but the
+shallow-headed would risk a meeting with the countless demons and
+vampires which move by night. To one who has spent many moons among
+these foreign apparitions the absence of drains, roads, illustrated
+message-parchments, maidens whose voices may be heard protesting upon
+ringing a wire, loaves of conflicting dimensions, persons who strive
+to put their faces upon every advertisement, pens which emit fountains
+when carried in the pocket, a profusion of make-strong foods, and an
+Encyclopaedia Mongolia, may undoubtedly be mentioned as constituting a
+material deficiency. Affairs are not being altogether reputably
+conducted during the crisis; it can never be quite definitely asserted
+what the next action of the versatile and high-spirited Dowager
+Empress will be; and here it is freely contended that the Pure and
+Immortal Empire is incapable of remaining in one piece for much
+longer. These, and other inconveniences of a like nature, which the
+fastidious might distort into actual hardships, have never been
+denied, yet at no period of the nine thousand years of our
+civilisation has it been the custom to lure out the unwary, on the
+plea of an agreeable entertainment, and then to abandon him into the
+society of eleven club-bearing adversaries, one of whom may be
+depicted as in the act of imparting an unnecessary polish to the edge
+of his already preternaturally acute weapon, while those of his own
+band offer no protection, and three tiers of very richly-dressed
+maidens encourage him to his fate by refined gestures of approval.
+
+Doubtless this person had unconsciously allowed his inner meditations
+to carry him away, as it may be expressed, for when he emerged from
+this strain of reverie it was to discover himself in the chariot-road
+and--so incongruously may be the actions when the controlling
+intelligence is withdrawn--even proceeding at a somewhat undignified
+pace in a direction immediately opposed to an encounter with the brown
+locusts. From this mortifying position he was happily saved by
+emerging from these thought-dreams before it was too late to return,
+and, also, if the detail is not too insignificant to be related, by
+the fact that certain chosen runners from his own company had reached
+a point in the road before him, and now stood joining their
+outstretched arms across the passage and raising gravity-dispelling
+cries. Smiling acquiescently, therefore, this person returned in their
+midst, and receiving a new weapon, his own club having been
+absent-mindedly mislaid, he again set forth warily to the encounter.
+
+Yet in this he did not altogether neglect a discreet prudence. The
+sympathetic person to whom he was indebted for the pointed allusion
+had specifically declared that they who used their feet with the
+desperate savagery of baffled spectres guarded the nearer limits of
+their position, the intention of his timely hint assuredly being that
+I should seek to approach from the opposite end, where, doubtless, the
+more humane and conciliatory grass-hoppers were assembled. Thus guided
+I now set forth in a widely-circuitous direction, having the point
+where I meant to open an attack clearly before my eyes, yet seeking to
+deliver a more effective onslaught by reaching it to some extent
+unperceived and to this end creeping forward in the protecting shadow
+of the long grass and untrimmed herbage.
+
+Whether the one already referred to had incapably failed to express
+his real meaning, or whether he was tremulous by nature and
+inordinately self-deficient, concerns the narration less than the fact
+that he had admittedly produced a state of things largely in excess of
+the actual. There is no longer any serviceable pretext for maintaining
+that those guarding any point of their position were other than mild
+and benevolent, while the only edged weapon displayed was one
+courteously produced to aid this person's ineffectual struggles to
+extricate himself when, by some obscure movement, he had most ignobly
+entangled his pigtail about the claws of his sandal.
+
+Ignorant of this, the true state of things, I was still advancing
+subtly when one wearing the emblems of our band appeared from among
+the brown insects and came towards me. "Courage!" I exclaimed in a
+guarded tone, raising my head cautiously and rejoiced to find that I
+should not be alone. "Here is one clad in green bearing succour, who
+will, moreover, obstinately defend his stumps to the last extremity."
+
+"That's right," replied the opportune person agreeably; "we need a few
+like that. But do get up on your hind legs and come along, there's a
+good fellow. You can play at bears in the nursery when we get back, if
+you want."
+
+Certainly one can simulate the movements of wild animals in a
+market-garden if the impersonation is thought to be desirable, yet the
+reasonable analogy of the saying is elusive in the extreme, and I
+followed the ally who had thus betrayed my presence with a deep-set
+misgiving although in the absence of a more trustworthy guide, and in
+the suspicion that some point of my every ordinary strategy had been
+inept, I was compelled to mould myself identically into his advice.
+
+Scarcely had he left me, and I was endeavouring to dispel any idea of
+treachery towards those about by actions of graceful courtesy, when
+one--unworthy of burial--standing a score of paces distant, (to whom,
+indeed, this person was at the moment bowing with almost passionate
+vehemence, inspired by the conviction that he, for his part, was
+engaged in a like attention,) suddenly cast a missile--which, somewhat
+double-facedly, he had hitherto held concealed in his closed
+hand--with undeviating force and accuracy. So unexpected was the
+movement, so painfully-impressed the vindictive contact, that I should
+have instinctively seized the offensively-directed object and
+contemptuously hurled it back again, if the consequence of the blow
+had not deprived my mind of all retaliatory ambitions. In this
+emergency was manifested a magnanimous act worthy of the incense of a
+poem, for a person standing immediately by, seeing how this one was
+balanced in his emotions, picked up the missile, and although one of
+the foremost of the opposing band, very obligingly flung it back at
+the assailant. Even an outcast would not have passed this without a
+suitable tribute, and turning to him, I was remarking appreciatively
+that men were not divided by seas and wooden barriers, but by the
+unchecked and conflicting lusts of the mind, when the unclean and
+weed-nurtured traitor twenty paces distant, taking a degraded
+advantage from this person's attitude, again propelled his weapon with
+an even more concentrated perfidy than before. At this new outrage
+every brown cricket shrank from the attitude of alert vigour which
+hitherto he had maintained, and as though to disassociate themselves
+from the stain of complicity all crossed over and took up new
+positions.
+
+Up to this point, majestic head, in order to represent the adventure
+in its proper sequence, it has been advisable to present the details
+as they arose before the eyes of a reliable and dispassionate gazer.
+Now, however, it is no less seemly to declare that this barbarian
+sport of leaping insects is not so discreditably shallow as it had at
+first appeared, while in every action there may be found an apt but
+hidden symbol. Thus the presence of the two green locusts in the midst
+of others of a dissimilar nature represents the unending strife by
+which even the most pacific are ever surrounded. The fragile erection
+of sticks (behind which this person at first sought to defend himself
+until led into a more exposed position by one garbed in white,) may be
+regarded as the home and altar, and adequately depicts the hollowness
+of the protection it affords and the necessity of reliantly emerging
+to defy an invader rather than lurking discreditably among its
+recesses. The missile is the equivalent of a precise and immediate
+danger, the wooden club the natural instinct for defence with which
+all living creatures are endowed, so that when the peril is for the
+time driven away the opportunity is at hand for the display of
+virtuous amusements, the exchanging of hospitality, and the beating of
+professional drums as we would say. Thus, at the next attack the one
+sharing the enterprise with me struck the missile so proficiently that
+its recovery engaged the attention of all our adversaries, and then
+began to exhibit his powers by running and leaping towards me.
+Recognising that the actual moment of the display had arrived, this
+person at once emitted a penetrating cry of concentrated challenge,
+and also began to leap upwards and about, and with so much energy that
+the highly achieved limits of his flight surprised even himself.
+
+As for the bystanders, esteemed, those who opposed us, and the members
+of our own band, although this leaping sportiveness is a competition
+more regarded and practised among all orders than the pursuit of
+commercial eminence, or even than the allurements of the sublimest
+Classics, it may be truly imagined that never before had they
+witnessed so remarkable a game cricket. From the pagoda a loud cry of
+wonder acclaimed the dexterity of this person's efforts; the three
+tiers of maidens climbed one upon another in their anxiety to lose no
+detail of the adventure, and outstanders from distant points began to
+assemble. The brown enemy at once abandoned themselves to a panic, and
+for the most part cast themselves incapably to the ground, rolling
+from side to side in an access of emotion; the two arbiters clad in
+white conferred together, doubtless on the uselessness of further
+contest, while the ally who had summoned me to take a part instead of
+being encouraged to display his agility in a like manner continued to
+run slavishly from point to point, while I overcame the distances in a
+series of inspired bounds.
+
+In the meanwhile the sounds of encouragement from the ever-increasing
+multitude grew like the falling of a sudden coast storm among the ripe
+leaves of a tea-plantation, and with them the voices of many calling
+upon my name and inciting me to further and even higher achievements
+reached my ears. Not to grow small in the eyes of these estimable
+persons I continued in my flight, and abandoning all set movements and
+limits, I began to traverse the field in every direction, becoming
+more proficient with each effort, imparting to myself a sideway and
+even backward motion while yet in the upper spaces, remaining poised
+for an appreciable period, and lightly, yet with graceful ease,
+avoiding the embraces of those who would have detained me. Undoubtedly
+I could have maintained this supremacy until our band might justly
+have claimed the reward, had not the flattering cries of approval
+caused an indiscreet mistake, for the alarm being spread in the
+village that a conflagration of imposing ferocity was raging, an
+ornamental chariot conveying a band of warriors clad in brass armour
+presently entered into the strife, and discovering no fire to occupy
+their charitable energies they misguidedly honoured this offensive
+person by propelling a solid column of the purest and most refreshing
+water against his ignoble body when at the point of his highest
+flight. This introduction of a thunderbolt into the everyday life of
+an insect must be of questionable authenticity, yet not feeling
+sufficiently instructed in the lesser details of the sportiveness to
+challenge the device, I suffered myself to be led towards the pavilion
+with no more struggling than enough to remove the ignominy of an
+unresisting surrender, pleasantly remarking to those who bore me along
+that to a person of philosophical poise the written destiny was as
+apparent in the falling leaf as in the rising sun, pointing the saying
+thus: "Although the Desert of Shan-tz is boundless, and mankind number
+a million million, yet in it Li-hing encountered his mother-in-law."
+Changing to meet another of our company setting forth with a club to
+make the venture, I was permitted for a moment to engage him;
+whereupon thrusting into his hand a leather charm against ill-directed
+efforts, and instructing him to bind it about his head, I encouraged
+him with the imperishable watch-word of the Emperor Tsin Su, "The
+stars are indeed small, but their light carries as far as that of the
+full moon."
+
+At the steps of the pagoda so great was the throng of those who would
+have overwhelmed me with their gracious attention, that had not this
+person's neck become practically automatic by ceaseless use of late,
+he would have been utterly unequal to the emergency. As it was, he
+could only bestow a superficial hand-wave upon a company of
+gold-embroidered musicians who greeted his return with appropriate
+melody, and a glance of well-indicated regret that he had no fuller
+means of conveying his complicated emotions, in the direction of the
+uppermost tier of maidens. Then the awaiting Sir Philip took him
+firmly towards the inner part of the pavilion, and announced, so
+adroitly and with such high-spirited vigour had this one maintained
+the conflict, that it had been resolutely agreed on all sides not to
+make a test of his competence any further.
+
+Thereupon a band of very sumptuously arrayed nymphs drew near with
+offerings of liquid fat and a variety of crimson fruit, which it is
+customary to grind together on the platter--unapproachable in the
+result, certainly, yet incredibly elusive to the unwary in the manner
+of bruising, and practically ineradicable upon the more delicate
+shades of silk garment. In such a situation the one who is now
+relating the various incidents of the day may be imagined by a
+broad-minded and affectionate sire: partaking of this native fruit and
+oil, and from time to time expressing his insatiable anguish that he
+continually fails to become more proficient in controlling the oblique
+movements of the viands, while the less successful crickets are
+constrained to persevere in the combat, and the ever-present note of
+evasive purport is raised by a voice from behind a screen exclaiming,
+"Out afore? That he may have been, but do ee think we was a-going to
+give he out afore? No, maaster, us doant a-have a circus every day
+hereabouts."
+
+Thus may this imagination of competitive locusts be set forth to the
+end. If a fuller proof of what an unostentatious self-effacement
+hesitates to enlarge upon were required, it might be found in the
+barbarian printed leaf, for the next day this person saw a public
+record of the strife, in which his own name was followed by a
+numerical emblem signifying that he had not stumbled or proved
+incompetent in any one particular. Sir Philip, I beheld with pained
+surprise, had obtusely suffered himself to be caught out in the
+committal of fifty-nine set offences.
+
+With a not unnatural anticipation that, as a result of this
+painstaking description, this person will find two well-equipped camps
+of contending locusts in Yuen-ping on his return.
+
+KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XII
+
+
+Concerning the obvious misunderstanding which has entwined
+itself about a revered parent's faculties of passionless
+discrimination. The all-water disportment and the two, of
+different sexes, who after regarding me conflictingly from the
+beginning, ended in a like but inverted manner.
+
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE,--Your gem-adorned letter containing a thousand
+burnished words of profuse reproach has entered my diminished soul in
+the form of an equal number of rusty barbs. Can it be that the
+incapable person whom, as you truly say, you sent, "to observe the
+philosophical subtleties of the barbarians, to study their dynastical
+records and to associate liberally with the venerable and dignified,"
+has, in your own unapproachable felicity of ceremonial expression,
+"according to a discreet whisper from many sources, chiefly affected
+the society of tea-house maidens, the immature of both sexes, doubtful
+characters of all classes, and criminals awaiting trial; has evinced
+an unswerving affinity towards light amusement and entertainments of a
+no-class kind; and in place of a wise aloofness, befitting a wearer of
+the third Gold Button and the Horn Belt-clasp, in situations of
+critical perplexity, seems by his own ingenuous showing to have
+maintained an unparalleled aptitude for behaving either with the
+crystalline simplicity of a Kan-su earth-tiller, or the misplaced
+buffoonery of a seventh-grade body-writher taking the least
+significant part in an ill-equipped Swatow one-cash Hall of Varied
+Melodies." Assuredly, if your striking and well-chosen metaphors were
+not more unbalanced than the ungainly attitude of a one-legged
+hunchback crossing a raging torrent by means of a slippery plank on a
+stormy night, they would cause the very acutest bitterness to the
+throat of a dutiful and always high-stepping son. There is an apt
+saying, however, "A quarrel between two soldiers in the market-place
+becomes a rebellion in the outskirts," and when this person remembers
+that many thousand li of mixed elements flow between him and his
+usually correct and dispassionate sire, he is impelled to take a mild
+and tolerant attitude towards the momentary injustice brought about by
+the weakness of approaching old age, the vile-intentioned mendacity of
+outcasts envious of the House of Kong, and, perchance, the irritation
+brought on by a too lavish indulgence in your favourite dish of stewed
+mouse.
+
+Having thus re-established himself in the clear-sighted affection of
+an ever mild and perfect father, and cleansed the ground of all
+possible misunderstandings in the future, this person will concede the
+fact that, not to stand beneath the faintest shadow of an implied
+blemish in your sympathetic eyes, he had no sooner understood the
+attitude in which he had been presented than he at once plunged into
+the virtuous society of a band of the sombre and benevolent.
+
+These, so far as his intelligence enables him to grasp the position,
+may be reasonably accepted as the barbarian equivalent of those very
+high-minded persons who in our land devote their whole lives secretly
+to killing others whom they consider the chief deities do not really
+approve of; for although they are not permitted here, either by
+written law or by accepted custom, to perform these meritorious
+actions, they are so intimately initiated into the minds and councils
+of the Upper Ones that they are able to pronounce very severe
+judgments of torture--a much heavier penalty than merely being
+assassinated--upon all who remain outside their league. As some of the
+most objurgatory of these alliances do not number more than a score of
+persons, it is inevitable that the ultimate condition of the whole
+barbarian people must be hazardous in the extreme.
+
+Having associated myself with this class sufficiently to escape their
+vindictive pronouncements, and freely professed an unswerving
+adherence to their rites, I next sought out the priests of other
+altars, intending by a seemly avowal to each in turn to safeguard my
+future existence effectually. This I soon discovered to be beyond the
+capacity of an ordinary lifetime, for whereas we, with four hundred
+million subjects find three religions to be sufficient to meet every
+emergency, these irresolute island children, although numbering us
+only as one to ten, vacillate among three hundred; and even amid this
+profusion it is asserted that most of the barbarians are unable to
+find any temple exactly conforming to their requirements, and after
+writing to the paper to announce the fact, abandon the search in
+despair.
+
+It was while I was becoming proficient in the inner subtleties of one
+of these orders--they who drink water on all occasions and wear a
+badge--that a maiden of some authority among them besought my aid for
+the purpose of amusing a band which she was desirous of propitiating
+into the adoption of this badge. It is possible that in the immature
+confidence of former letters this person may already have alluded to
+certain maidens with words of courteous esteem, but it is now
+necessary to admit finally that in the presence of this same Helena
+they would all appear as an uninviting growth of stunted and deformed
+poppies surrounding a luxuriant chrysanthemum. At the presumptuous
+thought of describing her illimitable excellences my fingers become
+claw-like in their confessed inadequacy to hold a sufficiently upright
+brush; yet without undue confidence it may be set down that her hands
+resembled the two wings of a mandarin drake in their symmetrical and
+changing motion, her hair as light and radiant-pointed as the
+translucent incense cloud floating before the golden Buddha of
+Shan-Si, thin white satin stretched tightly upon polished agate only
+faintly comparable to her jade cheeks, while her eyes were more
+unfathomable than the crystal waters of the Keng-kiang, and within
+their depths her pure and magnanimous thoughts could be dimly seen to
+glide like the gold and silver carp beneath the sacred river.
+
+When this insurpassable being approached me with the flattering
+petition already alluded to, my gratified emotions clashed together
+uncontrollably with the internal feeling of many volcanoes in
+movement, and my organs of expression became so entangled at the
+condescension of her melodious voice being directly addressed to one
+so degraded, that for several minutes I was incapable of further
+acquiescence than that conveyed by an adoring silence and an
+unchanging smile. No formality appeared worthy to greet her by, no
+expression of self-contempt sufficiently offensive to convey to her
+enlightenment my own sense of a manifold inferiority, and doubtless I
+should have remained in a transfixed attitude until she had at length
+turned aside, had not your seasonable reference to a Swatow
+limb-contorter struck me heavily and abruptly turned off the source of
+my agreement. Might not this all-water entertainment, it occurred to
+this one, consist in enticing him to drink a potion made unsuspectedly
+hot, in projecting him backwards into a vat of the same liquid, or
+some similar device for the pleasurable amusement of those around,
+which would come within the boundaries of your refined disapproval? As
+one by himself there was no indignity that this person would not
+cheerfully have submitted to, but the inexorable cords of an ingrained
+filial regard suddenly pulled him sideways and into another direction.
+
+"But, Mr. Kong," exclaimed the bee-lipped maiden, when I had explained
+(as being less involved to her imagination,) that I was under a vow,
+"we have been relying upon you. Could you not"--and here she dropped
+her eyes and picked them up again with a fluttering motion which our
+lesser ones are, to an all-wise end, quite unacquainted with--"could
+you not unvow yourself for one night, just to please ME?"
+
+At these words, the illuminated proficiency of her glance, and her
+honourable resolution to implicate me in the display by head or feet,
+the ever-revered image of a just and obedience-loving father ceased to
+have any further tangible influence. Let it be remembered that there
+is a deep saying, "A virtuous woman will cause more evil than ten
+river pirates." As for the person who is recording his incompetence,
+the room and all those about began to engulf him in an ever-increasing
+circular motion, his knees vibrated together with unrestrained
+pliancy, and concentrating his voice to indicate by the allegory some
+faint measure of his emotion, he replied passionately, "Let the
+amusement referred to take the form of sitting in a boiling cauldron
+exposed to the derision of all beholders, this one will now enter it
+wearing yellow silk trousers."
+                                  *
+
+It is characteristic of these illogical out-countries that the
+all-water diversion did not, as a matter to record, concern itself
+with that liquid in any detail, beyond the contents of a glass vessel
+from which a venerable person, who occupied a raised chair,
+continually partook. This discriminating individual spoke so
+confidently of the beneficial action of the fluid, and so unswervingly
+described my own feelings at the moment--as of head giddiness, an
+inexactitude of speech, and no clear definition of where the next step
+would be arrived at--as the common lot of all who did not consume
+regularly, that when that same Helena had passed on to speak to
+another, I left the hall unobserved and drank successive portions, in
+each case, as the night was cold, prudently adding a measure of the
+native rice spirit. His advice had been well-directed, for with the
+fourth portion I suddenly found all doubtful and oppressive visions
+withdrawn, and a new and exhilarating self-confidence raised in their
+place. In this agreeable temper I returned to the place of meeting to
+find a priest of one of the lesser orders relating a circumstance
+whereby he had encountered a wild maiden in the woods, who had
+steadfastly persisted that she was one of a band of seven (this being
+the luckiest protective number among the superstitious). Though unable
+to cause their appearance, she had gone through a most precise
+examination at his hands without deviating in the slightest
+particular, whereupon distrusting the outcome of the strife, the
+person who was relating the adventure had withdrawn breathless.
+
+When this versatile lesser priest had finished the narration, and the
+applause, which clearly showed that those present approved of the
+solitary maiden's discreet stratagem, had ceased, the one who occupied
+the central platform, rising, exclaimed loudly, "Mr. Kong will next
+favour us with a contribution, which will consist, I am informed, of a
+Chinese tale."
+
+Now there chanced to be present a certain one who had already become
+offensive to me by the systematic dexterity with which he had planted
+his inopportune shadow between the sublime-souled Helena and any other
+who made a movement to approach her heaven-dowered outline. When this
+presumptuous and ill-nurtured outcast, who was, indeed, then seated
+by the side of the enchanting maiden last referred to, heard the
+announcement he said in a voice feigned to reach her peach-skin ear
+alone, yet intentionally so modulated as to penetrate the furthest
+limit of the room, "A Chinese tale! Why, assuredly, that must be a
+pig-tail." At this unseemly shaft many of those present allowed
+themselves to become immoderately amused, and even the goat-like sage
+who had called upon my name concealed his face behind an open hand,
+but the amiably-disposed Helena, after looking at the undiscriminating
+youth coldly for a moment, deliberately rose and moved to a vacant
+spot at a distance. Encouraged by this fragrant act of sympathy I
+replied with a polite bow to indicate the position, "On the contrary,
+the story which it is now my presumptuous intention to relate will
+contain no reference whatever to the carefully-got-up one occupying
+two empty seats in the front row," and without further introduction
+began the history of Kao and his three brothers, to which I had added
+the title, "The Three Gifts."
+
+At the conclusion of this classical example of the snares ever lying
+around the footsteps of the impious, I perceived that the jocular
+stripling, whom I had so delicately reproved, was no longer present.
+Doubtless he had been unable to remain in the same room with the
+commanding Helena's high-spirited indignation, and anticipating that
+in consequence there would now be no obstacle to her full-faced
+benignity, I drew near with an appropriate smile.
+
+It is somewhere officially recorded, "There is only one man who knew
+with accurate certainty what a maiden's next attitude would be, and he
+died young of surprise." As I approached I had the sensation of
+passing into so severe an atmosphere of rigid disfavour, that the
+ingratiating lines upon my face became frozen in its intensity,
+despite the ineptness of their expression. Unable to penetrate the
+cause of my offence, I made a variety of agreeable remarks, until
+finding that nothing tended towards a becoming reconciliation, I
+gradually withdrew in despair, and again turned my face in the
+direction of that same accommodation which I had already found beneath
+the sign of an Encompassed Goat. Here, by the sarcasm of destiny, I
+encountered the person who had drawn the slighting analogy between
+this one's pig-tail and his ability as a story-teller. For a brief
+space of time the ultimate development of the venture was doubtfully
+poised, but recognising in each other's features the overhanging cloud
+of an allied pang, the one before me expressed a becoming contrition
+for the jest, together with a proffered cup. Not to appear out-classed
+I replied in a suitable vein, involving the supply of more vessels;
+whereupon there succeeded many more vessels, called for both singly
+and in harmonious unison, and the reappearance of numerous bright
+images, accompanied by a universal scintillation of meteor-like
+iridescence. In this genial and greatly-enlarged spirit we returned
+affably together to the hall, and entered unperceived at the moment
+when the one who made the announcements was crying aloud, "According
+to the programme the next item should have been a Chinese poem, but as
+Mr. Kong Ho appears to have left the building, we shall pass him
+over--"
+
+"What Ho?" exclaimed the somewhat impetuous one by my side, stepping
+forward indignantly and mounting the platform in his affectionate
+zeal. "No one shall pass over my old and valued friend--this Ho--while
+I have a paw to raise. Step forward, Mandarin, and let them behold the
+inventor and sole user of the justly far-famed G. R. Ko-Ho hair
+restorer--sent in five guinea bottles to any address on receipt of four
+penny stamps--as he appeared in his celebrated impersonation of the
+human-faced Swan at Doll and Edgar's. Come on, oh, Ho!"
+
+"Assuredly," I replied, striving to follow him, "yet with the wary
+greeting, 'Slowly, slowly; walk slowly,' engraved upon my mind, for
+the barrier of these convoluted stairs--" but at this word a band of
+maidens passed out hastily, and in the tumult I reached the dais and
+began Weng Chi's immortal verses, entitled "The Meandering Flight,"
+which had occupied me three complete days and nights in the detail of
+rendering the allusions into well-balanced similitudes and at the same
+time preserving the skilful evasion of all conventional rules which
+raises the original to so sublime a height.
+
+    The voice of one singing at the dawn;
+    The seven harmonious colours in the sky;
+    The meeting by the fountain;
+    The exchange of gifts, and the sound of the processional drum;
+    The emotion of satisfaction in each created being;
+    This is the all-prominent indication of the Spring.
+
+    The general disinclination to engage in laborious tasks;
+    The general readiness to consume voluminous potions on any
+        pretext.
+    The deserted appearance of the city and the absence of the
+        come-in motion at every door;
+    The sportiveness of maidens, and even those of maturer age,
+        ethereally clad, upon the shore.
+    The avowed willingness of merchants to dispose of their wares
+        for half the original sum.
+    This undoubtedly is the Summer.
+
+    The yellow tea leaf circling as it falls;
+    The futile wheeling of the storm-tossed swan;
+    The note of the marble lute at evening by the pool;
+    The immobile cypress seen against the sun.
+    The unnecessarily difficult examination paper.
+    All these things are suggestive of the Autumn.
+
+    The growing attraction of a well-lined couch.
+    The obsequious demeanour of message-bearers, charioteers, and
+        the club-armed keepers of peace.
+    The explosion of innumerable fire-crackers round the convivial
+        shines,
+    The gathering together of relations who at all other times
+        shun each other markedly.
+    The obtrusive recollection of a great many things contrary to
+        a spoken vow, and the inflexible purpose to be more
+        resolute in future.
+    These in turn invariably attend each Winter.
+
+It certainly had not presented itself to me before that the words
+"invariably attend" are ill-chosen, but as I would have uttered them
+their inelegance became plain, and this person made eight
+conscientious attempts to soften down their harsh modulation by
+various interchanges. He was still persevering hopefully when he of
+chief authority approached and requested that the one who was thus
+employed and that same other would leave the hall tranquilly, as the
+all-water entertainment was at an end, and an attending slave was in
+readiness to extinguish the lanterns.
+
+"Yet," I protested unassumingly, "that which has so far been expressed
+is only in the semblance of an introductory ode. There follow--"
+
+"You must not argue with the Chair," exclaimed another interposing his
+voice. "Whatever the Chair rules must be accepted."
+
+"The innuendo is flat-witted," I replied with imperturbable dignity,
+but still retaining my hold upon the rail. "When this person so far
+loses his sense of proportion as to contend with an irrational object,
+devoid of faculties, let the barb be cast. After that introduction
+dealing with the four seasons, the twelve gong-strokes of the day are
+reviewed in a like fashion. These in turn give place to the days of
+the month, then the moons of the year, and finally the years of the
+cycle."
+
+"That's fair," exclaimed the perverse though well-meaning youth, whom
+I was beginning to recognise as the cause of some misunderstanding
+among us. "If you don't want any more of his poem--and I don't blame
+you--my pal Ho, who is one of the popular Flip-Flap Troupe, offers to
+do some trick cycle-riding on his ears. What more can you expect?"
+
+"We expect a policeman very soon," replied another severely. "He has
+already been sent for."
+
+"In that case," said the one who had so persistently claimed me as an
+ally, "perhaps I can do you a service by directing him here"; and
+leaving this person to extricate himself by means of a reassuring
+silence and some of the larger silver pieces of the Island, he
+vanished hastily.
+
+With some doubt whether or not this deviation into the society of the
+professedly virtuous, ending as it admittedly does in an involvement,
+may not be deemed ill-starred; yet hopeful.
+                                            KONG HO.
+
+
+
+                           THE THREE GIFTS
+
+    Related by Kong Ho on the occasion of the all-water
+    disportment, under the circumstances previously set forth.
+
+BEYOND the limits of the township of Yang-chow there dwelt a rich
+astrologer named Wei. Reading by his skilful interpretation of the
+planets that he would shortly Pass Above, he called his sons Chu,
+Shan, and Hing to his side and distributed his wealth impartially
+among them. To Chu he gave his house containing a gold couch; to Shan
+a river with a boat; to Hing a field in which grew a prolific
+orange-tree. "Thus provided for," he continued, "you will be able to
+live together in comfort, the resources of each supplying the wants of
+the others in addition to his own requirements. Therefore when I have
+departed let it be your first care to sacrifice everything else I
+leave, so that I also, in the Upper Air, may not be left destitute."
+
+Now in addition to these three sons Wei also had another, the
+youngest, but one of so docile, respectful, and self-effacing a
+disposition that he was frequently overlooked to the advantage of his
+subtle, ambitious, and ingratiating brothers. This youth, Kao,
+thinking that the occasion certainly called for a momentary relaxation
+of his usual diffidence, now approached his father modestly, and
+begged that he also might be included to some trivial degree in his
+bounty.
+
+This reasonable petition involved Wei in an embarrassing perplexity.
+Although he had forgotten Kao completely in the division, he had now
+definitely concluded the arrangement; nor, to his failing powers, did
+it appear possible to make a just allotment on any other lines. "How
+can a person profitably cut up an orange-tree, a boat, an inlaid
+couch, or a house?" he demanded. "Who can divide a flowing river, or
+what but unending strife can arise from regarding an open field in
+anything but its entirety? Assuredly six cohesive objects cannot be
+apportioned between four persons." Yet he could not evade the justice
+of Kao's implied rebuke, so drawing to his side a jade cabinet he
+opened it, and from among the contents he selected an ebony staff, a
+paper umbrella, and a fan inscribed with a mystical sentence. These
+three objects he placed in Kao's hands, and with his last breath
+signified that he should use them discreetly as the necessity arose.
+
+When the funeral ceremonies were over, Chu, Shan, and Hing came
+together, and soon moulded their covetous thoughts into an agreed
+conspiracy. "Of what avail would be a boat or a river if this person
+sacrificed the nets and appliances by which the fish are ensnared?"
+asked Shan. "How little profit would lie in an orange-tree and a field
+without cattle and the implements of husbandry!" cried Hing. "One
+cannot occupy a gold couch in an empty house both by day and night,"
+remarked Chu stubbornly. "How inadequate, therefore, would such a
+provision be for three."
+
+When Kao understood that his three brothers had resolved to act in
+this outrageous manner he did not hesitate to reproach them; but not
+being able to contend against him honourably, they met him with
+ridicule. "Do not attempt to rule us with your wooden staff," they
+cried contemptuously. "Sacrifice IT if your inside is really sincere.
+And, in the meanwhile, go and sit under your paper umbrella and wield
+your inscribed fan, while we attend to our couch, our boat, and our
+orange-tree."
+
+"Truly," thought Kao to himself when they had departed, "their words
+were irrationally offensive, but among them there may stand out a
+pointed edge. Our magnanimous father is now bereft of both comforts
+and necessities, and although an ebony rod is certainly not much in
+the circumstances, if this person is really humanely-intentioned he
+will not withhold it." With this charitable design Kao build a fire
+before the couch (being desirous, out of his forgiving nature, to
+associate his eldest brother in the offering), and without hesitation
+sacrificed the most substantial of his three possessions.
+
+It here becomes necessary to explain that in addition to being an
+expert astrologer, Wei was a far-seeing magician. The rod of
+unimpressionable solidity was in reality a charm against decay, and
+its hidden virtues being thus destroyed, a contrary state of things
+naturally arose, so that the next morning it was found that during the
+night the gold couch had crumbled away into a worthless dust.
+
+Even this manifestation did not move the three brothers, although the
+geniality of Shan and Hing's countenances froze somewhat towards Chu.
+Nevertheless Chu still possessed a house, and by pointing out that
+they could live as luxuriantly as before on the resources of the river
+and the field and the tree, he succeeded in maintaining his position
+among them.
+
+After seven days Kao reflected again. "This avaricious person still
+has two objects, both of which he owes to his revered father's
+imperishable influence," he admitted conscience-stricken, "while the
+being in question has only one." Without delay he took the paper
+umbrella and ceremoniously burned it, scattering the ashes this time
+upon Shan's river. Like the rod the umbrella also possessed secret
+virtues, its particular excellence being a curse against clouds, wind
+demons, thunderbolts and the like, so that during the night a great
+storm raged, and by the morning Shan's boat had been washed away.
+
+This new calamity found the three brothers more obstinately perverse
+than ever. It cannot be denied that Hing would have withdrawn from the
+guilty confederacy, but they were as two to one, and prevailed,
+pointing out that the house still afforded shelter, the river yielded
+some of the simpler and inferior fish which could be captured from the
+banks, and the fruitfulness of the orange-tree was undiminished.
+
+At the end of seven more days Kao became afflicted with doubt. "There
+is no such thing as a fixed proportion or a set reckoning between a
+dutiful son and an embarrassed sire," he confessed penitently. "How
+incredibly profane has been this person's behaviour in not seeing the
+obligation in its unswerving necessity before." With this scrupulous
+resolve Kao took his last possession, and carrying it into the field
+he consumed it with fire beneath Hing's orange-tree. The fan, in turn,
+also had hidden properties, its written sentence being a spell against
+drought, hot winds, and the demons which suck the nourishment from all
+crops. In consequence of the act these forces were called into action,
+and before another day Hing's tree had withered away.
+
+It is said with reason, "During the earthquake men speak the truth."
+At this last disaster the impious fortitude of the three brothers
+suddenly gave way, and cheerfully admitting their mistake, each
+committed suicide, Chu disembowelling himself among the ashes of his
+couch, Shan sinking beneath the waters of his river, and Hing hanging
+by a rope among the branches of his own effete orange-tree.
+
+When they had thus fittingly atoned for their faults the imprecation
+was lifted from off their possessions. The couch was restored by magic
+art to its former condition, the boat was returned by a justice-loving
+person into whose hands it had fallen lower down the river, and the
+orange-tree put out new branches. Kao therefore passed into an
+undiminished inheritance. He married three wives, to commemorate the
+number of his brothers, and had three sons, whom he called Chu, Shan,
+and Hing, for a like purpose. These three all attained to high office
+in the State, and by their enlightened morals succeeded in wiping all
+the discreditable references to others bearing the same names from off
+the domestic tablets.
+
+From this story it will be seen that by acting virtuously, yet with an
+observing discretion, on all occasions, it is generally possible not
+only to rise to an assured position, but at the same time
+unsuspectedly to involve those who stand in our way in a just
+destruction.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XIII
+
+
+Concerning a state of necessity; the arisings engendered
+thereby, and the turned-away face of those ruling the literary
+quarter of the city towards one possessing a style. This
+foreign manner of feigning representations, and concerning my
+dignified portrayal of two.
+
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE,--It is now more than three thousand years ago that the
+sublime moralist Tcheng How, on being condemned by a resentful
+official to a lengthy imprisonment in a very inadequate oil jar,
+imperturbably replied, "As the snail fits his impliant shell, so can
+the wise adapt themselves to any necessity," and at once coiled
+himself up in the restricted space with unsuspected agility. In times
+of adversity this incomparable reply has often shone as a steadfast
+lantern before my feet, but recently it struck my senses with a
+heavier force, for upon presenting myself on the last occasion at the
+place of exchange frequented by those who hitherto have carried out
+your spoken promise with obliging exactitude, and at certain stated
+intervals freely granted to this person a sufficiency of pieces of
+gold, merely requiring in return an inscribed and signet-bearing
+record of the fact, I was received with no diminution of sympathetic
+urbanity, indeed, but with hands quite devoid of outstretched fulness.
+
+In a small inner chamber, to which I was led upon uttering courteous
+protests, one of solitary authority explained how the deficiency had
+arisen, but owing to the skill with which he entwined the most
+intricate terms in unbroken fluency, the only impression left upon my
+superficial mind was, that the person before me was imputing the
+scheme for my despoilment less to any mercenary instinct on the part
+of his confederates, than to a want of timely precision maintained by
+one who seemed to bear an agreeable-sounding name somewhat similar to
+your own, and who, from the difficulty of reaching his immediate ear,
+might be regarded as dwelling in a distant land. Encouraged by this
+conciliatory profession (and seeing no likelihood of gaining my end
+otherwise), I thereupon declared my willingness that the difference
+lying between us should be submitted to the pronouncement of
+dispassionate omens, either passing birds, flat and round sticks, the
+seeds of two oranges, wood and fire, water poured out upon the ground
+or any equally reliable sign as he himself might decide. However, in
+spite of his honourable assurances, he was doubtless more deeply
+implicated in the adventure than he would admit, for at this
+scrupulous proposal the benignant mask of his expression receded
+abruptly, and, striking a hidden bell, he waved his hands and stood up
+to signify that further justice was denied me.
+
+In this manner a state of destitution calling for the fullest
+acceptance of Tcheng How's impassive philosophy was created, nor had
+many hours faded before the first insidious temptation to depart from
+his uncompromising acquiescence presented itself.
+
+At that time there was no one in whom I reposed a larger-sized piece
+of confidence (in no way involving sums of money,) than one officially
+styled William Beveledge Greyson, although, profiting by our own
+custom, it is unusual for those really intimate with his society to
+address him fully, unless the occasion should be one of marked
+ceremony. Forming a resolution, I now approached this obliging
+person, and revealing to him the cause of the emergency, I prayed that
+he would advise me, as one abandoned on a strange Island, by what
+handicraft or exercise of skill I might the readiest secure for the
+time a frugal competence.
+
+"Why, look here, aged man," at once replied the lavish William
+Greyson, "don't worry yourself about that. I can easily let you have a
+few pounds to tide you over. You will probably hear from the bank in
+the course of a few days or weeks, and it's hardly worth while doing
+anything eccentric in the meantime."
+
+At this delicately-worded proposal I was about to shake hands with
+myself in agreement, when the memory of Tcheng How's resolute
+submission again possessed me, and seeing that this would be an
+unworthy betrayal of destiny I turned aside the action, and replying
+evasively that the world was too small to hold himself and another
+equally magnanimous, I again sought his advice.
+
+"Now what silly upside-down idea is it that you've got into that
+Chinese puzzle you call your head, Kong?" he replied; for this same
+William was one who habitually gilded unpalatable truths into the
+semblance of a flattering jest. "Whenever you turn off what you are
+saying into a willow-pattern compliment and bow seventeen times like
+an animated mandarin, I know that you are keeping something back. Be a
+man and a brother, and out with it," and he struck me heavily upon the
+left shoulder, which among the barbarians is a proof of cordiality to
+be esteemed much above the mere wagging of each other's hands.
+
+"In the matter of guidance," I replied, "this person is ready to sit
+unreservedly on your well-polished feet. But touching the borrowing of
+money, obligations to restore with an added sum after a certain
+period, initial-bearing papers of doubtful import, and the like, I
+have read too deeply the pointed records of your own printed sheets
+not to prefer an existence devoted to the scraping together of dust at
+the street corners, rather than a momentary affluence which in the end
+would betray me into the tiger-like voracity of a native
+money-lender."
+
+"Well, you do me proud, Kong," said William Beveledge, after regarding
+me fixedly for a moment. "If I didn't remember that you are a
+flat-faced, slant-eyed, top-side-under, pig-tailed old heathen, I
+should be really annoyed at your unwarrantable personalities. Do you
+take ME for what you call a 'native money-lender'?"
+
+The pronouncements of destiny are written in iron," I replied
+inoffensively, "and it is as truly said that one fated to end his life
+in a cave cannot live for ever on the top of a pagoda. Undoubtedly as
+one born and residing here you are native, and as inexorably it
+succeeds that if you lend me pieces of gold you become a money-lender.
+Therefore, though honourably inspired at the first, you would equally
+be drawn into the entanglement of circumstance, and the unevadible end
+must inevitably be that against which your printed papers consistently
+warn one."
+
+"And what is that?" asked Beveledge Greyson, still regarding me
+closely, as though I were a creature of another part.
+
+"At first," I replied, "there would be an alluring snare of graceful
+words, tea, and the consuming of paper-rolled herbs, and the matter
+would be lightly spoken of as capable of an easy adjustment; which,
+indeed, it cannot be denied, is how the detail stands at present. The
+next position would be that this person, finding himself unable to
+gather together the equivalent of return within the stated time, would
+greet you with a very supple neck and pray for a further extension,
+which would be permitted on the understanding that in the event of
+failure his garments and personal charms should be held in bondage. To
+escape so humiliating a necessity, as the time drew near I would
+address myself to another, one calling himself William, perchance, and
+dwelling in a northern province, to whom I would be compelled to
+assign my peach-orchard at Yuen-ping. Then by varying degrees of
+infamy I would in turn be driven to visit a certain Bevel of the
+Middle Lands, a person Edge carrying on his insatiable traffic on the
+southern coast, one Grey elsewhere, and a Mr. Son, of the west, who
+might make an honourable profession of lending money without any
+security whatever, but who in the end would possess himself of my
+ancestral tablets, wives, and inlaid coffin, and probably also obtain
+a lien upon my services and prosperity in the Upper Air. Then, when I
+had parted from all comfort in this life, and every hope of affluence
+in the Beyond, it would presently be disclosed that all these were in
+reality as one person who had unceasingly plotted to my destruction,
+and William Beveledge Greyson would stand revealed in the guise of a
+malevolent vampire. Truly that development has at this moment an
+appearance of unreality, and worthy even of pooh-pooh, but thus is the
+warning spread by your own printed papers and the records of your
+Halls of Justice, and it would be an unseemly presumption for one of
+my immature experience to ignore the outstretched and warning finger
+of authority."
+
+"Well, Kong," he said at length, after considering my words
+attentively, "I always thought that your mental outlook was a hash of
+Black Art, paper lanterns, blank verse, twilight, and delirium
+tremens, but hang me if you aren't sound on finance, and I only wish
+that you'd get some of my friends to look at the matter of borrowing
+in your own reasonable, broad-minded light. The question is, what
+next?"
+
+I replied that I leaned heavily against his sagacious insight, adding,
+however, that even among a nation of barbarians one who could repeat
+the three hundred and eleven poems comprising the Book of Odes from
+beginning to end, and claim the degree "Assured Genius" would ever be
+certain of a place.
+
+"Yes," replied William Greyson,--"in the workhouse. Put your degree in
+your inside pocket, Kong, and don't mention it. You'll have far more
+chance as a distressed mariner. The casual wards are full of B.A.'s,
+but the navy can't get enough A.B.'s at any price. What do you say to
+an organ, by the way? Mysterious musicians generally go down well, and
+I dare say there's room for a change from veiled ladies, persecuted
+captains and indigent earls. You ought to make a sensation."
+
+"Is it in the nature of melodious sounds upon winding a handle?" I
+asked, not at the moment grasping with certainty to what organ he
+referred.
+
+"Well, some call them that," he admitted, "others don't. I suppose,
+now, you wouldn't care to walk to Brighton with your feet tied
+together, or your hair in curl papers, and then get on at a music
+hall? Or would there be any chance of your Legation kidnapping you if
+it was properly worked? 'Kong Ho, the great Chinese Reformer, tells
+the Story of his Life,'--there ought to be money in it. Are you a
+reformer or the leader of a secret society, Kong?"
+
+"On the contrary," I replied, "we of our Line have ever been
+unflinching in our loyalty to the dynasty of Tsing."
+
+"You ought to have known better, then. It's a poor business being that
+in your country nowadays. Pity there are no bye-elections on the
+African Labour Question, or you'd be snapped up for a procession."
+
+To this I replied that although the idea of moving in a processional
+triumph would readily ensnare the minds of the light and fantastic, I
+should prefer some more literary occupation, submissively adding that
+in such a case I would not stiffen my joints against the most menial
+lot, even that of blending my voice in a laudatory chorus, or of
+carrying official pronouncements about the walls of the city, for it
+is said with justice, "The starving man does not peel his melon, nor
+do the parched first wipe round the edges of the proffered cup."
+
+"If you've set your mind on something literary," said Beveledge
+confidently, "you have every chance of finishing up in a chorus or
+carrying printed placards about the streets, certainly. When it comes
+to that, look me up in Eastcheap." With this encouraging assurance of
+my ultimate success he left me, and rejoicing that I had not fallen
+into the snare of opposing a written destiny, I sought the literary
+quarters of the city.
+                                  *
+
+When this person has been able to write of any custom or facet of
+existence here in a strain of conscientious esteem, he has not
+hesitated to dip his brush deeply into the inkpot. Reverting
+backwards, this barbarian enactment of not permitting those who from
+any cause have decided upon spending the night in a philosophical
+abstraction to repose upon the public seats about the swards and open
+spaces is not conceived in a mood of affable toleration. Nevertheless
+there are deserted places beyond the furthest limits of the city where
+a more amiable full-face is shown. On the eleventh day of this one's
+determination to sustain himself by the exercise of his literary
+style, he was journeying about sunset towards one of these spots,
+subduing the grosser instincts of mankind by reviewing the wisdom of
+the sublime Lao Ch'un, who decided that heat and cold, pain and
+fatigue, and mental distress, have no real existence, and are
+therefore amenable to logical disproof, while the cravings of hunger
+and thirst are merely the superfluous attributes of a former and lower
+state of existence, when a passer-by, who for some distance had been
+alternately advancing before and remaining behind, matched his
+footsteps into mine.
+
+"Whichee way walk-go, John, eh?" said this unfortunate being, who
+appeared to be suffering from a laborious deformity of speech. "Allee
+samee load me. Chin-chin."
+
+Filled with compassion for one who evidently found himself alone in a
+strange land, in the absence of his more highly-accomplished
+companion, unable to indicate his wants and requirements to those
+about him, I regretfully admitted that I had not chanced to encounter
+that John whose wandering footsteps he sought; and to indicate, by not
+leaving him abruptly, that I maintained a sympathetic concern over his
+welfare, I pointed out to him the exceptional brilliance of the
+approaching night, adding that I myself was then directing a course
+towards a certain spacious Heath, a few li distant in the north.
+
+"Sing-dance tomollow, then?" he said, with a condensed air of general
+disappointment. "Chop-chop in a pay look-see show on Ham--Hamstl--oh
+damme! on 'Ampstead 'Eath? Booked up, eh, John?"
+
+Gradually convinced that it was becoming necessary to readjust the
+significance of the incident, I replied that I had no intention of
+partaking of chops or food of any variety in an erected tent, but
+merely of passing the night in an intellectual seclusion.
+
+"Oh," said the one who was walking by my side, regarding my garments
+with engaging attention, and at the same time appearing to regain an
+unruffled speech as though the other had been an assumed device, "I
+understand--the Blue Sky Hotel. Well, I've stayed there once or twice
+myself. A bit down on your uppers, eh?"
+
+"Assuredly this person may perchance lay his upper parts down for a
+short space of time," I admitted, when I had traced out the symbolism
+of the words. "As it is humanely written in The Books, 'Sleep and
+suicide are the free refuges equally of the innocent and the guilty.'"
+
+"Oh, come now, don't," exclaimed the energetic person, striking
+himself together by means of his two hands. "It's sinful to talk about
+suicide the day before bank holiday. Why, my only Somali warrior has
+vamoosed with his full make-up, and the Magnetic Girl too, and I never
+thought of suicide--only whether to turn my old woman into a Veiled
+Beauty of the Harem or a Hairy Lama from Tibet."
+
+Not absolutely grasping the emergency, yet in a spirit of inoffensive
+cordiality I remarked that the alternative was insufferably
+perplexing, while he continued.
+
+"Then I spotted you, and in a flash I got an idea that ought to take
+and turn out really great if you'll come in. Now follow this:
+Missionary's tent in the wilds of Pekin. Domestic interior by
+lamp-light. Missionary (me) reading evening paper; missionary's wife
+(the missus) making tea, and between times singing to keep the small
+pet goat quiet (small goat, a pillow, horsecloth, and
+pocket-handkerchief). Breaks down singing, sobs, and says she feels a
+strange all-over presentiment. Missionary admits being a bit fluffed
+himself, and lets out about a notice signed in blood that he's seen in
+the city."
+
+"Carried upon a pole?" this person demanded, feeling that something of
+a literary nature might yet be wrested into the incident.
+
+"On a flagstaff if you like," conceded the other one magnanimously. "A
+notice to the effect that it is the duty of every jack mother's son of
+them to douse the foreign devils, man, woman, and child, and
+especially the talk-book pass-hat-round men. Also that he has had
+several brick-ends heaved at him on his way back. Then stops suddenly,
+hits his upper crust, and says that it's like his blamed
+fat-headedness to frighten her; while she clutches at herself three
+times and faints away."
+
+"Amid the voluminous burning of blue lights?" suggested this person
+resourcefully.
+
+"By rights there should be," admitted the one who was devising the
+representation; "but it will hardly run to it. Anyway, it costs
+nothing to turn the lamp down--saves a bit in fact, and gives an
+effect. Then outside, in the distance at first you understand, you
+begin to work up the sound of the advancing mob--rattles, shouts,
+tum-tums, groans, tin plates and all that one mortal man can do with
+hands, feet and mouth."
+
+"With the interspersal of an occasional cracker and the stirring notes
+produced by striking a hollow wooden fish repeatedly?" I cried; for
+let it be confessed that amid the portrayal of the scene my
+imagination had taken an allotted part.
+
+"If you like to provide them, and don't set the bally show on fire,"
+he replied. "Anyhow, these two aren't supposed to notice anything even
+when the row gets louder. Then it drops and you are heard outside
+talking in whispers to the others--words of command and telling them
+to keep back half-a-mo, and so on. See?"
+
+"Doubtless introducing a spoken charm and repeating the words of an
+incantation against omens, treachery, and other matters."
+
+"Next a flap of the tent down on the floor is raised, and you
+reconnoitre, looking your very worst and holding a knife between your
+teeth and another in each hand. Wave a hand to your followers to keep
+back--or come on: it makes no difference. Then you crawl in on your
+stomach, give a terrific howl, and stab me in the back. That rolls me
+under the curtain, and so lets me out. The missus ups with the
+wood-chopper and stands before the cradle, while you yell and dance
+round with the knives. That ought to be made 'the moment' of the whole
+piece. The great thing is to make enough noise. If you can yell louder
+than the talking-machine outfit on the next pitch we ought to turn
+money away. While you are at it I start a fresh row outside--shouts,
+cheers, groans, words of command and a paper bag or two. Seeing that
+the game is up you make a rush at the old woman; she downs you with
+the chopper, turns the lamp up full, shakes out a Union Jack over the
+sleeping infant, and finally stands in her finest attitude with one
+hand pointing impressively upwards and the other contemptuously
+downwards just as Rule Britannia is played on the cornet outside and I
+appear at the door in a general's full uniform and let down the
+curtain."
+
+For acting in the manner designated--as touching the noises both
+inside and out, the set dance with upraised knives, the casting to
+earth of himself, and being myself in turn vanquished by the aged
+female, with an added compact that from time to time I should be led
+by a chain and shown to the people from a raised platform--we agreed
+upon a daily reward of two pieces of silver, an adequacy of food, and
+a certain ambiguously-referred-to share of the gain. It need not be
+denied that with so favourable an opportunity of introducing passages
+from the Classics a much less sum would have been accepted, but having
+obtained this without a struggle, the one now recounting the facts
+raised the opportune suggestion of an inscribed placard, in order to
+fulfil the portent foreshadowed by William Greyson. 
+
+"Oh, we'll star you, never fear," assented the accommodating
+personage, and having by this time reached that spot upon the Heath
+where his Domestic Altar had been raised, we entered.
+
+"All the most distinguished actors in this country take another name,"
+he said reflectively, when he had drawn forth a parchment of
+praiseworthy dimensions and ink of three colours, "and though I have
+nothing to say against Kong Ho Tsin Cheng Quank Paik T'chun Li Yuen
+Nung for quiet unostentatious dignity, it doesn't have just the grip
+and shudder that we want. Now how does 'Fang' strike you?" and upon my
+courteous acquiescence that this indeed united within it those
+qualities which he required, he traced its characters in red ink upon
+a lavish scale.
+
+"'Fang Hung Sin' about fits the idea of snap and bloodthirstiness, I
+should say," he continued, and using the brush and all the colours
+with an expert proficiency which would infallibly gain him an early
+recognition at any of our competitive examinations, he presently laid
+before me the following gracefully-composed notice, which was
+suspended from a conspicuous pole about the door of the tent on the
+following day.
+
+                            FANG HUNG SIN
+                    The Captured Boxer Chieftain.
+
+    Under a strong guard, and by arrangement with the British and
+    Chinese authorities concerned,
+
+                            Fang Hung Sin
+
+    Will positively re-enact the GORY SCENES of CARNAGE in which
+    he took a LEADING and SANGUINARY PART during the LATE RISING.
+
+                            ALONE IN PEKIN
+                       Or, What a Woman can do.
+
+    PANEL   I. PEACE: The Missionary's Tent by Night--All's Well--
+               The Dread Warning--"I am by your side, Beloved."
+
+    PANEL  II. ALARM: The Signal--The Spy--The Mob Outside--
+               Treachery--"Save Yourself, my Darling"--"And Leave
+               You? Never!"
+
+    PANEL III. REVENGE: The Attack--The Blow Falls--Who Can Save
+               Her Now?--"Back, Renegade Viper!"--The English Guns
+               --"Rule Britannia!"
+
+                    FANG HUNG SIN, The Desperado.
+             There is only one FANG, and he must be seen.
+                    FANG!      FANG!!      FANG!!!
+
+I will not upon this occasion, esteemed one, delay myself with an
+account of this barbarian Festival of Lanterns; or, as their language
+would convey it, Feast of Cocoa-nuts, beyond admitting that with the
+possible exception of an important provincial capital during the
+triennial examinations I doubt whether our own unapproachable Empire
+could show a more impressively-extended gathering, either in the
+diverse and ornamental efflorescence of head garb, in the affectionate
+display openly lavished by persons of one sex towards those of the
+other, or even one more successful in our own pre-eminent art of
+producing the multitudinous harmony of conflicting sounds.
+
+At the appointed hour this person submitted himself to be heavily
+shackled, and being led out before the assembled crowd, endeavoured by
+a smiling benignity of manner and by reassuring signs of welcome, to
+produce a favourable impression upon their sympathies and to allure
+them within. This pacific face was undoubtedly successful, however
+offensively the ill-conditioned one who stood by was inspired to
+express himself behind his teeth, for the space of the tent was very
+quickly occupied and the actions of simulation were to begin.
+
+Without doubt it might have been better if this person had first made
+himself more fully acquainted with the barbarian manner of acting. The
+fact that this imagined play, which even in one of our inferior
+theatres would have filled the time pleasantly for two or three
+months, was to be compressed into the narrow limits of seven minutes
+and a half, should reasonably have warned him that amid the ensuing
+rapidity of word and action, most of the leisurely courtesies and all
+the subtle range of concealed emotion which embellish our own wood
+pavement must be ignored. But it is well and suggestively written,
+"The person who deliberates sufficiently before taking every step will
+spend his life standing upon one leg." In the past this one had not
+found himself to be grossly inadequate on any arising emergency, and
+he now drew aside the hanging drapery and prepared to carry out a
+preconcerted part with intrepid self-reliance.
+
+It has already been expressed, that the reason and incentive urging me
+to a ready agreement lay in the opportunities by which suitable
+passages from the high Classics could be discreetly woven into the
+fabric of the plot, and the occupation thereby permeated with an
+honourable literary flavour. In accordance with this resolve I
+blended together many imperishable sayings of the wisest philosophers
+to present the cries and turmoil of the approaching mob, but it was
+not until I protruded my head beneath the hanging canopy in the guise
+of one observing that an opportunity arose of a really well-sustained
+effort. In this position I recited Yung Ki's stimulating address to
+his troops when in sight of an overwhelming foe, and, in spite of the
+continually back-thrust foot of the undiscriminating one before me, I
+successfully accomplished the seventy-five lines of the poem without a
+stumble. Then entering fully, with many deprecatory bows and
+expressions of self-abasement at taking part in so seemingly
+detestable an action, I treacherously, yet with inoffensive tact,
+struck the one wearing an all-round collar delicately upon the back.
+Not recognising the movement, or being in some other way obtuse, the
+person in question instead of sinking to the ground turned hastily to
+me in the form of an inquiry, leaving me no other reasonable course
+than to display the knife openly to him, and to assure him that the
+fatal blow had already been inflicted. Undoubtedly his immoderate
+retorts were inept at such a moment, nor was his ensuing strategy of
+turning completely round three times, striking himself about the head
+and body, and uttering ceremonious curses before he fell devoid of
+life--as though the earlier remarks had been part of the ordained
+scheme--to any degree convincing, and the cries of disapproval from
+the onlookers proved that they also regarded this one as the victim of
+an unworthy rebuke.
+
+"Not if the benches were filled at half a guinea a head would I take
+on another performance like that," exclaimed the one with whom I was
+associated, when it was over. "Besides the dead loss of lasting three
+quarters of an hour it's tempting providence when the seats are
+movable. I suppose it isn't your fault, Kong, you poor creature, but
+you haven't got no glare and glitter. There's only one thing for it:
+you must be the Rev. Mr. Walker and I'll take Fang." He then robed
+himself in my attire, guided me among the intricacies of the all-round
+collar and outer garments in exchange, hung a slender rope about his
+back, and after completing the artifice by a skilful device of massing
+coloured inks upon our faces, he commanded me to lead him out by a
+chain and observe intelligently how a captive Boxer chief should
+disport himself.
+
+No sooner had we reached the platform than the one whom I controlled
+leapt high into the air, dragged me to the edge of the erection,
+showed his teeth towards the assembly and waved his arms menacingly at
+them; then turning upon this person, he inflamed his face with
+passion, rattled his chain furiously, and uttered such vengeance-laden
+cries that, unable to subdue the emotion of fear, I abandoned all
+pretence, and dropping the chain, fled to the furthest recess of the
+tent, followed by the still threatening Fang.
+
+There is an expression among us, "Cheng-hu was too considerate: he
+tried to drive nails with a cucumber." Cheng-hu would certainly have
+quickly found the necessity of a weapon of three-times hardened steel
+if he had lived among these barbarians, who are insensible to the
+higher forms of politeness, in addition to acting in a contrary and
+illogical manner on all occasions. Instead of being repelled and
+discouraged by Fang's outrageous behaviour, they clamoured to be
+admitted into the tent more vehemently than before, and so
+successfully established the venture that the one to whom I must now
+allude throughout as Fang signified to me his covetous intention of
+reducing the performance by a further two and a half minutes in order
+to reap an added profit and to garner all his rice before the Hoang Ho
+rose.
+
+As for myself, revered, it would be immature to hold the gauze screen
+of prevarication between your all-discerning mind and my own
+trepidation. From the moment when I first saw the expression of
+utterly depraved malignity and deep-seared hate which he had cunningly
+engraved upon his face by means of the coloured inks, I was far from
+being comfortably settled within myself. Even the society of the not
+inelegant being of the inner chamber, whom it was now my part to
+console with alluring words and movements, could not for some time
+retain my face from a back-way instinct at every sound; but when the
+detail was reached that she sank into my grasp bereft of all energy,
+and for the first time I was just succeeding in forgetting the
+unpropitious surroundings, the one Fang, who had entered with unseemly
+stealth, suddenly hurled his soul-freezing battle-cry upon my ear and
+leapt forward with uplifted knife. Perceiving the action from an angle
+of my eye even as he propelled himself through the air, I could not
+restrain an ignoble wail of despair, and not scrupling to forsake the
+maiden, I would have taken refuge beneath a couch had he not seized my
+outer robe and hurled me to the ground. From this point to the close
+of the entertainment the vigorous person in question did not cease
+from raising cries and challenges in an unfaltering and many-fathomed
+stream, while at the same time he continued to spring from one
+extremity of the stage to the other surrounded by every external
+attribute of an insatiable tiger-like rage. It is circumstantially
+related that the one near at hand, who has been referred to as
+possessing a voiced machine, became demented, and bearing the
+contrivance to a certain tent erected by the charitable, entreated
+them to remove the impediment from its speech so that it might be
+heard again and his livelihood restored. When the action of
+brandishing a profusion of knives before the lesser one's eyes was
+reached, so nerve-shattering was the impression which Fang created
+that the back of the tent had to be removed in order to let out those
+who no longer had possession of themselves, and to let in those--to a
+ten-fold degree--who strove for admission on the rumour spreading that
+something exceptionally repellent was progressing within.
+
+With what attenuated organs of repose this person would have reached
+the end of so strenuous an occupation had he been compelled to twelve
+enactments each hour throughout the gong-strokes of the day without
+any literary relief, it is not enticing to dwell upon. This evil was
+averted by a timely intervention, for upon proceeding to the outer air
+for the third time I at once perceived among the foremost throng the
+engaging full-face of William Beveledge Greyson. This really
+painstaking individual had learned, as he afterwards explained, that
+the chiefs of exchange (those who in the first case had opposed me
+resolutely,) had received a written omen, and now in contrition were
+expressing their willingness to hold out a full restitution. With this
+assurance he had set forth in an unremitting search, and guided by
+street-watchers, removers of superfluous earth, families propelling
+themselves forward upon one foot, astrologers, two-wheeled
+charioteers, and others who move early and secretly by night, he had
+traced my description to this same Heath. Here he had been attracted
+by the displayed placard (remembering my honourable boast), and
+approaching nearer, he had plainly recognised my voice within. But in
+spite of this the successful disentanglement was by no means yet
+accomplished.
+
+Not expecting so involved a reversal of things, and being short-eyed
+by nature, William Greyson did not wait for a fuller assurance than to
+be satisfied that the one before him wore my robes and conformed in a
+general outline, before he addressed him.
+
+"Kong Ho," he said pleasantly, "what the Chief Evil Spirit are you
+doing up there?" adding persuasively, "Come down, there's a good
+fellow. I have something important to tell you."
+
+Thus appealed to, the one Fang hesitated in doubt, seeing on the one
+hand a certain loss of face if he declined the conversation, and on
+the other hand having no clear perception of what was required from
+him. Therefore he entered upon a course of evasion and somewhat
+incapably replied, "Chow Chop Wei Hai Wei Lung Tung Togo Kuroki Jim
+Jam Beri Beri."
+
+"Don't act the horned sheep," said Beveledge, who was both resolute
+and one easily set into violent motion by an opposing stream. "Come
+down, or I'll come up and fetch you." And not being satisfied with
+Fang's ill-advised attempt to express himself equivocally, those
+around took up the apt similitude of a self-opinionated animal, and
+began to suggest a comparison to other creatures no less degraded.
+
+"Rats yourselves!" exclaimed the easily-inflamed person at my side,
+losing the inefficient cords of his prudence beneath the sting. "Who's
+a rabbit? For two guinea-pigs I'd mow all the grass between here and
+the Spaniards with your own left ears," and not permitting me
+sufficient preparation to withhold the chain more firmly, he abruptly
+cast himself down among them, amid a scene of the most untamed
+confusion.
+
+"Oh, affectionately-disposed brethren," I exclaimed, moving forward
+and raising my hand in refined disapproval, "the sublime Confucius, in
+the twenty-third chapter of the book called 'The Great Learning,'
+warns us against--" but before I could formulate the allusion
+Beveledge Greyson, who at the sound of my conciliatory words had gazed
+first in astonishment and then in a self-convulsed position, drew
+himself up to my side, and taking a firm grasp upon the all-round
+collar, projected me without a pause through the tent, and only
+halting for a moment to point significantly back to the varied and
+animated scene behind, where, amid a very profuse display of
+contending passions, the erected stage was already being dragged to
+the ground, and a band of the official watch was in the act of
+converging from every side, he led me through more deserted paths to
+the scene of a final extrication.
+
+With a well-gratified sense of having held an unswerving course along
+the convoluted outline of Destiny's decree, to whatever tending.
+
+KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XIV
+
+
+Concerning a pressing invitation from an ever benevolently-
+disposed father to a prosaic but dutifully-inclined son. The
+recording of certain matters of no particular moment. 
+Concerning that ultimate end which is symbolic of the
+inexorable wheels of a larger Destiny.
+
+
+
+VENERATED SIRE,--It is not for the earthworm to say when and in what
+exact position the iron-shod boot shall descend, and this person,
+being an even inferior creature for the purpose of the comparison,
+bows an acquiescent neck to your very explicit command that he shall
+return to Yuen-ping without delay. He cannot put away from his mind a
+clinging suspicion that this arising is the result of some
+imperfection in his deplorable style of correspondence, whereby you
+have formed an impression quite opposed to that which it had been the
+intention to convey, and that, perchance, you even have a secret doubt
+whether upon some specified occasion he may not have conducted the
+enterprise to an ignoble, or at least not markedly successful, end.
+However, the saying runs, "The stone-cutter always has the last word,"
+and you equally, by intimating with your usual unanswerable and
+clear-sighted gift of logic that no further allowance of taels will be
+sent for this one's dispersal, diplomatically impose upon an
+ever-yearning son the most feverish anxiety once more to behold your
+large and open-handed face.
+
+Standing thus poised, as it may be said, for a returning flight across
+the elements of separation, it is not inopportune for this person to
+let himself dwell gracefully upon those lighter points of recollection
+which have engraved themselves from time to time upon his mind without
+leading to any more substantial adventure worthy to record. Many of
+the things which seemed strange and incomprehensible when he first
+came among this powerful though admittedly barbarian people, are now
+revealed at a proper angle; others, to which he formerly imagined he
+had found the disclosing key, are, on the other hand, plunged into a
+distorting haze; while between these lie a multitude of details in
+every possible stage of disentanglement and doubt. As a final and
+painstaking pronouncement, this person has no hesitation in declaring
+that this country is not--as practically all our former travellers
+have declared--completely down-side-up as compared with our own
+manners and customs, but at the same time it is very materially
+sideways.
+
+Thus, instead of white, black robes are the indication of mourning;
+but as, for the generality, the same colour is also used for occasions
+of commerce, ceremony, religion, and the ordinary affairs of life, the
+matter remains exactly as it was before. Yet with obtuse inconsistency
+the garments usually white--in which a change would be really
+noticeable--remain white throughout the most poignant grief. How much
+more markedly expressed would be the symbolism if during such a period
+they wore white outer robes and black body garments. Nevertheless it
+cannot be said that they are unmindful of the emblematic influence of
+colour, for, unlike the reasonable conviction that red is red and blue
+is blue, which has satisfied our great nation from the days of the
+legendary Shun, these pale-eyed foreigners have diverged into
+countless trifling imaginings, so that when the one who is now
+expressing his contempt for the development required a robe of a
+certain hue, he had to bend his mouth, before he could be exactly
+understood, to the degrading necessity of asking for "Drowned-rat
+brown," "Sunstroke magenta," "Billingsgate purple," "London milk
+azure," "Settling-day green," or the like. In the other signs of
+mourning they do not come within measurable distance of our pure and
+uncomfortable standard. "If you are really sincere in your regret for
+the one who has Passed Beyond, why do you not sit upon the floor for
+seven days and nights, take up all food with your fingers, and allow
+your nails to grow untrimmed for three years?" was a question which I
+at first instinctively put to lesser ones in their affliction. In
+every case save one I received answers of evasive purport, and even
+the one stated reason, "Because although I am a poor widder I ain't a
+pig," I deemed shallow.
+
+I have already dipped a revealing brush into the subject of names.
+Were the practice of applying names in a wrong and illogical sequence
+maintained throughout it might indeed raise a dignified smile, but it
+would not appear contemptible; but what can be urged when upon an
+occasion one name appears first, upon another occasion last? A dignity
+is conferred in old age, and it is placed before the family
+designation borne by an honoured father and a direct line of seventeen
+revered ancestors. Another title is bestowed, and eats up the former
+like a revengeful dragon. New distinctions follow, some at one end,
+others at another, until a very successful person may be suitably
+compared to the ringed oleander snake, which has the power of growing
+equally from either the head or the tail. To express the matter by a
+definite allusion, how much more graceful and orchideous, even in a
+condensed fashion, would appear the designation of this selected one,
+if instead of the usual form of the country it was habitually set
+forth in the following logical and thoroughly Chinese style:-
+Chamberlain Joseph, Master, Mr., Thrice Wearer of the Robes and Golden
+Collar, One of the Just Peacemakers, Esquire, Member of the House of
+Law-givers, Leader in the Council of Commerce, Presider over the
+Tables of Provincial Government, Uprightly Honourable Secretary of the
+Outlying Parts.
+
+Among the notes which at various times I have inscribed in a book for
+future guidance I find it written on an early page, "They do not
+hesitate to express their fathers' names openly," but to this
+assertion there stands a warning sign which was added after the
+following incident. "Is it true, Mr. Kong," asked a lesser one, who is
+spoken of as vastly rich but discontented with her previous lot, of
+this person upon an occasion, "is it really true that your countrymen
+to not consider it right to speak of their fathers' names, even in
+this enlightened age?" To this I replied that the matter was as she
+had eloquently expressed it, and, encouraged by her amiable
+condescension, I asked after the memory of her paternal grandsire,
+whose name I had frequently heard whispered in connection with her
+own. To my inelegant confusion she regarded me for a period as though
+I had the virtue of having become transparent, and then passed on in a
+most overwhelming excess of disconcertingly-arranged silence.
+
+"You've done it now, Kong," said one who stood by (or, as we would
+express the same thought, "You have succeeded in accomplishing the
+undesirable"); "don't you know that the old man was in the tripe and
+trotter line?"
+
+"To no degree," I replied truly. "Yet," I continued, matching his
+idiom with another equally facile, "wherein was this person's screw
+loose? Are they not openly referred to--those of the Line of Tripe and
+Trotter--by their descendants?"
+
+"Not in most cases," he said, with a concentration that indicated a
+lurking sting among his words. "Generally speaking, they aren't
+mentioned or taken into any account whatever. While they are alive
+they are kept in the background and invited to treat themselves to the
+Tower when nice people are expected; when dead they are fastened up in
+the family back cupboard by a score of ten-inch nails and three-trick
+Yale locks, so to speak. And in the meantime all the splash is being
+made on their muddy oof. See?"
+
+I nodded agreeably, though, had the opportunity been more favourable,
+I would have made the feint to learn somewhat more of this secret
+practice of burying in the enclosed space beneath the stairs. Thus is
+it set forth why, after the statement, "They do not hesitate to
+express their fathers' names openly," it is further written, "Walk
+slowly! Engrave well upon your discreet remembrance the unmentionable
+Line of Tripe and Trotter."
+
+Another point of comparison which the superficial have failed to
+record is to be found in the frequent encouragements to regard The
+Virtues which are to be seen, like our own Confucian extracts, freely
+inscribed on every wall and suitable place about the city. These for
+the most part counsel moderation in taking false oaths, in stepping
+heedlessly upon the unknown ground, in following paths which lead to
+doubtful ends, and other timely warnings. "Beware a smoke-breathing
+demon," is frequently cast across one's path upon a barrier, and this
+person has never failed to accept the omen and to retrace his steps
+hastily without looking to the right or the left. Even our own
+national caution is not forgotten, although to conform to barbarian
+indolence it is written, "Slowly, slowly; drive slowly." "Keep to the
+Right" (or, "Abandon that which is evil," as the analogy holds,) is
+perhaps the most frequently displayed of all, and doubtless many
+charitable persons obtain an ever-accruing merit by hanging the sign
+bearing these words upon every available post. Others are of a stern
+and threatening nature, designed to make the most hardened ill-doer
+pause, as--in their own tongue--"Rubbish may be shot here"; which we
+should render, "At any moment, and in such a place as this, a just
+doom and extinction may overtake the worthless." This inscription is
+never to be seen except in waste expanses, where it points its
+significance with a multiplied force. There is another definite threat
+which is lavishly set out, and so thoroughly that it may be
+encountered in the least frequented and almost inaccessible spots.
+This, as it may be translated, reads, "Trespass not the forbidden. The
+profligate may flourish like the gourd for a season, but in the end
+assuredly they will be detected, and justice meted out with the
+relentless fury of the written law."
+
+In a converse position, the wide difference in the ceremonial forms of
+retaliatory invective has practically disarmed this usually eloquent
+person, and he long since abandoned every hope of expressing himself
+with any satisfaction in encounters of however acrimonious a trend. At
+first, with an urbane smile and gestures of dignified contempt, he
+impugned the authenticity of the Ancestral Tablets of those with whom
+he strove, in an unbroken stream of most bitter contumely. Finding
+them silent under this reproach, he next lightly traced their origin
+back through generations of afflicted lepers, deformed ape-beings, and
+Nameless Things, to a race of primitive ghouls, and then went on in
+relentless fluency to predict an early return in their descendants to
+the condition of a similar state. For some time he had a
+well-gratified assurance that those whom he assailed were so
+overwhelmed as to be incapable of retort, and in this belief he never
+failed to call upon passers-by to witness his triumph; but on the
+fourth occasion a young man whom I had thus publicly denounced for a
+sufficient though forgotten reason, after listening courteously to my
+venomous accusations, bestowed a two-cash piece upon me and passed on,
+remarking that it was hard, and those around, also, would have added
+from their stores had it been permitted. From this time onward I did
+not attempt to make myself disagreeable either in public or to those
+whom I esteemed privately. On the other hand, the barbarian manner of
+retort did not find me endowed by nature to parry it successfully.
+Quite lacking in measured periods, it aims, by an extreme rapidity of
+thrust and an insincerity of sequence, to entangle the one who is
+assailed in a complication of arising doubts and emotions. "Who are
+you,--no one but yourself," exclaimed a hireling of hung-dog
+expression who claimed to have exchanged pledging gifts with a certain
+maiden who stood, as it were, between us, and falling into the snare,
+I protested warmly against the insult, and strove to disprove the
+inference before the paralogism lay revealed. Throughout the whole
+range of the Odes, the Histories, the Analects, and the Rites what
+recognised formula of rejoinder is there to the taunt, "Oh, go and put
+your feet in mustard and cress"; or how can one, however skilled in
+the highest Classics, parry the subtle inconsistencies of the
+reproach, "You're a nice bit of orl right, aren't you? Not arf, I
+don't think."
+
+Among the arts of this country that of painting upon canvas is held in
+repute, but to a person associated with the masterpieces of the Ma
+epoch these native attempts would be gravity-dispelling if they were
+not too reminiscent of the torture chamber. It is rarely, indeed, that
+even the most highly-esteemed picture-makers succeed in depicting
+every portion of a human body submitted to their brush, and not
+infrequently half of the face is left out. Once, when asked by a
+paint-applier who was entitled to append two signs of exceptional
+distinction behind his name, to express an opinion upon a finished
+work, I diffidently called his attention to the fact that he had
+forgotten to introduce a certain exalted one's left ear. "Not at all,
+Mr. Kong," he replied, with an expression of ill-merited
+self-satisfaction, "but it is hidden by the face." "Yet it exists," I
+contended; "why not, therefore, press it to the front at all hazard,
+rather than send so great a statesman down into the annals of
+posterity as deformed to that extent?" "It certainly exists," he
+admitted, "and one takes that for granted; but in my picture it cannot
+be seen." I bowed complaisantly, content to let so damaging an
+admission point its own despair. A moment later I continued, "In the
+great Circular Hall of the Palace of Envoys there is a picture of two
+camels, foot-tethered, as it fortunately chanced, to iron rings.
+Formerly there were a drove of eight--the others being free--so
+exquisitely outlined in all their parts that one night, when the door
+had been left incautiously open, they stepped down from the wall and
+escaped to the woods. How deplorable would have been the plight of
+these unfortunate beings, if upon passing into the state of a living
+existence they had found that as a result of the limited vision of
+their creator they only possessed twelve legs and three whole bodies
+among them."
+
+Perchance this tactfully-related story, so applicable to his own
+deficiencies, may sink into the imagination of the one for whom it was
+inoffensively unfolded. Yet doubt remains. Our own picture-judgers
+take up a position at the side of work when they with to examine its
+qualities, retiring to an ever-diminishing angle in order to bring out
+the more delicate effects, until a very expert and conscientious
+critic will not infrequently stand really behind the picture he is
+considering before he delivers a final pronouncement. Not until these
+native artists are able to regard their crude attempts from the other
+side of the canvas can they hope to become equally proficient. To this
+fatal shortcoming must be added that of insatiable ambition, which
+prompts the young to the portrayal of widely differing subjects. Into
+the picture-room of one who might thus be described this person was
+recently conducted, to pass an opinion upon a scene in which were
+depicted seven men of varying nationalities and appropriately garbed,
+one of the opposing sex carrying a lighted torch, an elephant
+reclining beneath a fruitful vine, and the President of a Republic.
+For a period this person resisted the efforts of those who would have
+questioned him, withdrawing their attention to the harmonious lights
+upon the river mist floating far below, but presently, being
+definitely called upon, he replied as follows: "Mih Ying, who was
+perhaps the greatest of his time, spent his whole life in painting
+green and yellow beetles in the act of concealing themselves beneath
+dead maple leaves upon the approach of day. At the age of seventy-five
+he burst into tears, and upon being approached for a cause he
+exclaimed, 'Alas, if only this person had resisted the temptation to
+be diffuse, and had confined himself to green beetles alone, he might
+now, instead of contemplating a misspent career, have been really
+great.' How much less," I continued, "can a person of immature
+moustaches hope to depict two such conflicting objects as a recumbent
+elephant and the President of a Republic standing beneath a banner?"
+
+Upon the temptation to deal critically with the religious instincts of
+the islanders this person draws an obliterating brush. As practically
+every traveller who has honoured our unattractive land with his
+effusive presence has subsequently left it in a printed record that
+our ceremonies are grotesque, our priesthood ignorant and depraved,
+our monasteries and sacred places spots of plague upon an otherwise
+flower-adorned landscape, and our beliefs and sacrifices only worthy
+to exist for the purpose of being made into jest-origins by more
+refined communities, the omission on this one's part may appear
+uncivil and perhaps even intentionally discourteous. To this, as a
+burner of joss-sticks and an irregular person, he can only reply by a
+deprecatory waving of both hands and a reassuring smile.
+
+With the two-sided memories of many other details hanging thickly
+around his brush, it would not be an achievement to continue to a
+practically inexhaustible amount. As of the set days when certain
+things are observed, among which fall the first of the fourth month
+(but that would disclose another involvement), another when flat cakes
+are partaken of without due caution, another when rounder cakes are
+even more incautiously consumed, and that most brightly-illuminated of
+all when it is permissible to embrace maidens openly, and if
+discreetly accomplished with no overhanging fear of ensuing forms of
+law, beneath the emblem of a suspended branch, in memory of the wisdom
+of certain venerable sages who were doubtless expert in the practice.
+As of the inconvenient custom when two persons are walking together
+that they should arrange themselves side by side, to the obvious
+discomfort of others, the sweeping away of all opportunities for
+agreeable politeness, and the utter disregard of the time-honoured
+example of the sagacious water-fowl. As of the inconsistency of
+refusing, even with contempt, to receive our most intimate form of
+regard and use this person's lip-cloth after a feast, yet the mulish
+eagerness in that same youth to drink from a cup previously used by a
+lesser one. As of the precision (which still remains a cloud of
+doubt,) with which creatures so intractable as the bull are
+successfully trained to roar aloud at certain gong-strokes of the day
+as an agreed signal. As of the streets in movement, the lights at
+evening, and the voices of those unseen. As of these and as of other
+matters, so multitudinous that they crowd about this person's mind
+like the assembling swallows, circling above the deserted millet
+fields before they turn their beaks to the sea, and dropping his brush
+(perchance with an acquiescent sigh), he, also, kow-tows submissively
+to a blind but appointed destiny, and prepares to seek a passage from
+an alien land of sojourning.
+
+With the impetuous craving of an affectionate son to behold a revered
+sire, intensified by the fact that he has reached the innermost lining
+of his sleeve; with affectionate greetings towards Ning, Hia-Fa, and
+T'ian Yen, and an assurance that they have never been really absent
+from his thoughts.
+
+KONG HO.
+
+
+
+
+
+Ernest Bramah, of whom in his lifetime Who's
+Who had so little to say, was born in
+Manchester. At seventeen he chose farming as a
+profession, but after three years of losing
+money gave it up to go into journalism.  He
+started as correspondent on a typical
+provincial paper, then went to London as
+secretary to Jerome K. Jerome, and worked
+himself  into the editorial side of Jerome's
+magazine, To-day, where he got the opportunity
+of meeting the most important literary figures
+of the day.  But he soon left To-day to join a
+new publishing firm, as editor of a
+publication called The Minister; finally,
+after two years of this, he turned to writing
+as his full-time occupation.  He was intensely
+interested in coins and published a book on
+the English regal copper coinage.  He is,
+however, best known as the creator of the
+charming character Kai Lung who appears in Kai
+Lung Unrolls His Mat, Kai Lung's Golden Hours,
+The Wallet of Kai Lung, Kai Lung Beneath the
+Mulberry Tree, The Mirror of Kong Ho, and The
+Moon of Much Gladness;  he also wrote two one-
+act plays  which are often performed at London
+variety theatres, and many stories and articles
+in leading periodicals.  He died in 1942.
+
+
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+End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Mirror of Kong Ho, by Bramah
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