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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10711 ***
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 153.
+
+OCTOBER 3, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+There is no truth in the rumour that the Imperial Government is trying
+to secure from KING ALFONSO an agreement that German prisoners shall
+not escape on Sundays or in batches of more than fifty at a time.
+
+       ***
+
+"Far better another year of war," said the Bishop of LONDON in a
+recent sermon, "than to leave it to the baby in the cradle to do it
+over again." Too much importance should not be attached to these
+ill-judged reflections on the younger members of the Staff.
+
+       ***
+
+In Berlin a crowd of people attempted to do some injury to an officer
+on the paltry excuse that he ordered the execution of thirty people
+for alleged espionage. The German people have always been a little
+jealous of the privileges of the military.
+
+       ***
+
+Captain N. BERNIERS, who has just returned to Quebec, reports that the
+Eskimos had not heard of the War. We should be the last to worry Lord
+NORTHCLIFFE at present, but it certainly looks as if the Circulation
+Manager of _The Daily Mail_ has been slacking.
+
+       ***
+
+We really think more care should be taken by the authorities to see
+that, while waging war on the Continent, they do not forget the
+defence of those at home. The fact that Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL and Mr.
+HORATIO BOTTOMLEY were away in France at the same time looks like
+gross carelessness.
+
+       ***
+
+"Next to the field of Mars we must pay homage to the forge of Vulcan,"
+said the KAISER in a recent speech. A stout fellow, this Vulcan, but
+as a forger not really in the ALL-HIGHEST'S class.
+
+       ***
+
+Taxicabs are to be entitled to charge a shilling for the first mile.
+The bus fare for the remainder of the distance will be the same as
+heretofore.
+
+       ***
+
+It is stated that fifty per cent. of the sugar forms have been filled
+in wrong. On the other hand a number of our youthful hedonists are
+complaining that as far as sugar is concerned their forms have never
+been anywhere near filled in.
+
+       ***
+
+A Wood Green gentleman has written to an evening paper to say that he
+has grown a vegetable marrow which weighs forty-three pounds. There is
+some talk of his being elected an Honorary Angler.
+
+       ***
+
+A Grimsby lady who has just celebrated her hundredth birthday states
+that she has never visited a cinema theatre. We felt sure there must
+be an explanation somewhere.
+
+       ***
+
+It seems a pity that the Willesden Health Committee should have
+troubled to pass a resolution about the decreasing birth-rate. When we
+remember air-raids and the shortage of sugar it is only natural that
+people should show a disinclination to be born just now.
+
+       ***
+
+"I don't care how soon a General Election comes," says Mr. JOHN
+DILLON, M.P. It is this dare-devil spirit which has made so many
+Irishmen what they are. The recruiting officer has no terrors for
+them.
+
+       ***
+
+HENRY ELIONSKY, of New York, has succeeded in swimming seven miles
+with his legs tied to a chair and with heavy boots and clothing. It
+is not known why he did it, but we gather that CHARLIE CHAPLIN is now
+wondering whether he was wise, after all, in becoming a naturalised
+American.
+
+       ***
+
+The wave of crime still sweeps the country. On top of the £30,000
+jewel robbery comes the news that a man has been charged with breaking
+into a London tobacconist's shop and stealing a box of matches value
+1/2d. (price 11/2d.).
+
+       ***
+
+A letter has just reached a City office addressed to the tenants who
+occupied the premises twenty years ago. Fortunately such cases of
+loitering on the part of our postmen are extremely rare.
+
+       ***
+
+An infuriated bull has been killed in High Street, Tonbridge, after
+wrecking several shop windows. It is thought that the animal had
+misread the directions on its sugar card.
+
+       ***
+
+A number of people have complained that they could hear nothing of the
+recent air-raids over London, owing to the noise of the firing being
+drowned by the admonitory activities of the police.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BULLDOG BREED.
+
+_Company Commander_ (_making sure of his men before the show_). "NOW,
+WHEN WE GO OVER THE TOP TO-MORROW, YOU ALL KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TO MAKE
+FOR?"
+
+_Chorus of Tommies_. "YUSS, SIR."
+
+_C.C._ "WHAT IS IT, THEN?"
+
+_Chorus_. "THEY GERMANS, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR CENTRIPETISTS.
+
+    "Mrs. Eckstein and Miss Eckstein have returned to London
+    from Scotland, and they are leaving London immediately for
+    London."--_Brighton Standard and Fashionable Visitors' List_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Irish farmers are confident that the Food Controller's
+    declared intention to fix the price of cattle at 6s. per cwt. for
+    next January will not be carried into effect. They believe that
+    Lord Rhondda must realise the necessity of making a substantial
+    increase on this figure."--_Saturday Herald (Dublin)_.
+
+Lord RHONDDA, we understand, has already met the Irish farmers more
+than halfway by fixing the price at 60s.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+    "The Apia Blacksmiths, Ltd., will undertake contracts for the
+    building of houses, with or without material."--_Samoa Times_.
+
+  "And gives to airy nothing
+  A local habitation."--_Shakspeare_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TAKING OUR PLEASURES SADLY.
+
+A correspondent informs us that the playbill of IBSEN'S _Ghosts_
+at the Pavilion Theatre bears the following words: "Mr. Neville
+Chamberlain says, 'It is essential there should be provided amusements
+and recreations which can take people for an hour or so out of
+themselves and return them to their work refreshed and reinvigorated.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOCIETY NOTES.
+
+_BY THE HANGER-ON._
+
+AIR-RAIDS AND OTHER DIVERSIONS.
+
+A promising young poet of my acquaintance, who in the midst of war's
+obsessions still finds time and taste for the exercise of his art
+(he is in a Government office), has allowed me to see the opening
+couplet of what I understand to be a very ambitious poem. It runs as
+follows:--
+
+  "Though overhead the Gothas buzz,
+  Stands London where it did? It does."
+
+Many good judges of poetry to whom I have quoted these lines think
+them very clever.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A witty friend of mine tells me that he is thinking of bringing out
+a handy and up-to-date edition of the _Almanach de Gotha_, special
+attention being paid to the changes of the Moon.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Society is always on the look-out for some new distraction from the
+tedium of War. The latest vogue with smart people is to get up little
+air-raid parties for the Tube, to be followed by auction or a small
+boy-and-girl dance. Sections of tunnel or platform can be engaged
+beforehand by arrangement with the Constabulary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I hear that my friend, ARTHUR BOURCHIER, continues to draw crowds to
+the Oxford. I was dining the other day with a young and brilliant
+officer, who has seen two months' active service in the A.S.C. and
+won golden opinions at the Base, and he assured me that there is no
+"Better 'Ole" than the Oxford during an air-raid.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Now that London is part of the Front, with a barrage of its own, one
+has to be careful to censor one's correspondence. It is advisable not
+to mention your actual address, but just to write "Somewhere in the
+West-End. B.S.F." (British Sedentary Force).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Winter season has begun exceptionally early. Last Sunday at Church
+Parade I saw Lady "Nibs" Tattenham, looking the very image of her
+latest photograph in _The Prattler_, where she appears with her pet
+Pekie over the legend, "Deeply interested in War-work."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A gallant Contemptible has been complaining to me that the Press shows
+no sense of proportion in the space that it allots to air-raids. Our
+casualties from that source, he said, are never one tenth as heavy as
+those in France on days when G.H.Q. reports "Everything quiet on the
+Western Front." I naturally disagreed with his attitude. Nothing, I
+told him, is more likely to discourage the Hun than to see column
+after column in our papers proving that these visitations leave us
+totally unmoved. Besides it must be very comforting to our troops
+in the trenches to learn in detail how their dear ones at home are
+sharing the perils of the other fronts. In any case nobody who knows
+our Press would doubt the purity of their motive in reporting as many
+air-raid horrors as the Censor permits.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_À propos_ of the Patriotic Press, no praise can be too high for some
+of our society weeklies. They have set their faces like flint against
+any serious reference to the War. When I see them going imperturbably
+along the old pre-war lines, snapping smart people at the races or in
+the Row, or reproducing the devastating beauty of a revue chorus, I
+know that they have their withers unwrung and their heart in the right
+place. I always have one of these papers on my table to be taken as a
+corrective after the daily casualty lists.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A striking feature of the Photographic Press is to be seen in the
+revival of the _vie intime_ of popular idols of the stage. The human
+life of our great actors and actresses as revealed in some simple
+rustic _villeggiatura_ has always had a fascination for a public that
+does not enjoy the privilege of their private friendship. And in these
+strenuous War-days it is well to bring home to the theatre-goer how
+necessary is domestic repose for those who are doing their courageous
+bit to keep the nation from dwelling on the inconveniences of
+Armageddon.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+One of the most profound after-the-war questions that is agitating
+the mind of the Government is what eventually to do with the miles
+of wooden and concrete villages that have sprung up all over London
+like Jonah's mushroom. I hear a rumour that the House of Commons
+tea-terrace will shortly be commandeered for the erection of yet
+another block of buildings to accommodate yet another Ministry--the
+Ministry of Demobilization of Temporary Departmental Hutments.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TUBE HOTELS, LTD.
+
+[Mr. Punch has been fortunate enough to secure in advance a prospectus
+of the enterprising managements.]
+
+THE CENTRAL LONDON RAILWAY
+
+offers splendid night accommodation in its magnificently appointed
+stations. Every modern convenience. Luxurious lifts conducted by the
+Company's own liveried attendants convey guests to the dormitories.
+Constant supply of fresh ozone. Reduced terms to season ticket
+holders.
+
+
+HÔTEL EMBANKMENT.
+
+All lines converge to this Hotel, which is therefore the most central
+in London. Frequent trains convey visitors direct to their beds. For
+the convenience of patrons arriving above ground or by District, the
+Directors have installed a superb moving staircase, thereby obviating
+the inconvenience of crowded lifts.
+
+The platforms and passages are tastefully decorated with coloured
+pictures by the leading firms.
+
+Visitors are respectfully requested not to sleep on the moving
+staircase.
+
+
+HÔTEL PICCADILLY CIRCUS.
+
+IN THE HEART OF FASHIONABLE LONDON.
+
+This Hotel, which is one of the deepest in London, is composed of
+four magnificent platforms and nearly a mile of finely tessellated
+corridors. Electric light. Constant temperature of sixty-five degrees
+Fahrenheit. Excellent catering under the control of the Automatic
+Machine Company. Reduced terms during moonless nights.
+
+
+HÔTEL HAMPSTEAD TUBE.
+
+Situated in a commanding position, underlooking the Heath, this hotel
+is positively the deepest in London. The Management has decided to
+extend the accommodation during one week in each month by offering
+beds on the steps of the staircase. No one has ever been known to walk
+either up or down this staircase, and patrons are therefore assured of
+an uninterrupted night's repose. Extremely moderate terms are quoted
+for the higher flights.
+
+
+THE GILLESPIE ARMS.
+
+Ensure an undisturbed night's sleep by putting up at the Gillespie
+Road Station Family and Commercial Hotel. Large numbers of trains pass
+this station without stopping, and residents are comparatively free
+from the annoyance caused by the arrival and departure of passengers.
+
+Special terms for Aliens, who are requested to bring their own
+mattresses.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PLACE IN THE MOON.
+
+HANS. "HOW BEAUTIFUL A MOON, MY LOVE, FOR SHOWING UP ENGLAND TO OUR
+GALLANT AIRMEN!"
+
+GRETCHEN. "YES, DEAREST, BUT MAY IT NOT SHOW UP THE FATHERLAND TO THE
+BRUTAL ENEMY ONE OF THESE NIGHTS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CODES.
+
+It began like the noise of rushing water, and for a moment the Brigade
+Major hoped that somebody had taken it upon himself to wash the
+orderly. The noise, however, was followed by a succession of thumps
+which put an end to this pretty flight of fancy. Aghast he surveyed
+the scene before him. Close to the Brigade Headquarters' dug-out was
+an old French dump of every conceivable kind of explosive made up into
+every known form of projectile. No longer was it a picture of Still
+Life. The Sleeping Beauty was awake indeed. The Prince had come in the
+form of a common whizz-bang.
+
+As he looked (and ducked) a flock of aerial torpedoes, propelled by
+the explosion of one of their number, rose and scattered as if at the
+approach of a hostile sportsman. Another explosion blew what seemed to
+be a million rockets sizzling into the air.
+
+The store was on fire!
+
+The Brigade Major retired.
+       *       *       *       *       *
+Everybody was in the Signal dug-out (Signals build deep and strong).
+Secretly the clerks were praying for the disintegration of the
+typewriter and the total destruction of the overwhelming mass of paper
+(paper warfare had been terrible of late). The Staff Captain and
+the O.C. Gum Boots, who had been approaching the Headquarters, were
+already half a mile down the road and still going strong.
+
+The Division rang up. One need hardly have mentioned that. In times of
+stress the higher formations rarely fail.
+
+"What's going on?" they asked.
+
+The Brigade Major was just going to say, when suddenly he remembered.
+That very morning he had been severely strafed for speaking of
+important things over the telephone when so near the enemy. "Had he
+not read the Divisional G 245/348/24 of the 29th inst.? What was the
+good of issuing orders to defeat the efficiency of the Bosch listening
+apparatus if they were not obeyed?" etc., etc.
+
+True, it was conceivable that even without the aid of a delicate
+listening apparatus the Bosch was cognisant of an explosion that
+made his whole front line quiver; still orders is orders. So the
+Brigade-Major swallowed hard.
+
+"C-can't tell you over the wires. Your G 245/348/24...."
+
+"Yes, yes, we know all about that. Don't say it _definitely_, but give
+us an _idea_. _Where_ is all this noise?"
+
+"Here!--Oh!" piped the B.M. as a crump shook the receiver out of his
+hand.
+
+"Send it in code at once. The G.O.C. is strafing horribly to know."
+
+To encode a message which may be your last words on earth is not the
+easiest of tasks. It has no romance about it. Who would relish
+an obituary such as: "He died like a hero, his last words being
+'XB35/067K'"?
+
+To the ramping of the continuous crump the B.M. scraped away the dirt
+and stuff that had fallen from the throbbing walls of his dug-out
+and fished out the Code-Book. Hurriedly he turned over the pages to
+"Ammunition" and read down the set phrases and their code equivalents.
+Four times he relit the candle. There seemed nothing under this
+heading applicable to the situation. "Send up" was one, but that had
+already been done. "Am/is/are/running short of" was another, but it
+was doubtful if the Division would see the real meaning of it.
+
+"Ah, here we are," he muttered, relighting the candle for the fifth
+time. "Dumps." Alas, there was nothing to convey the situation very
+clearly even under this heading. Finally he picked out the nearest he
+could find and sent it over the wires.
+
+This is what they decoded to the expectant G.O.C. of the Division:
+"_Advanced ammunition depôt has moved_."
+
+The G.O.C. said something which impelled the entire Divisional Staff
+to the telephone, where they all grabbed for the receiver.
+
+"What the devil is this code message? We can't understand it. You've
+sent in something about the dump at your Brigade Headquarters."
+
+"Ah!" said the B.M. meaningly, "there is _not_ a dump at Brigade
+Headquarters now."
+
+"Well, I don't care. We want to know what all this noise is about."
+
+"It's the dump. It's m-moved."
+
+"Moved? Moved where? Give the map reference."
+
+"Map reference?" murmured the B.M. "Oh, my sacred aunt, what fools ...
+I'm sorry" (he smiled at them through his teeth) "I can't give you the
+_m-map_ reference, but I can give you the _area_ roughly."
+
+"Barmy!" was the word he heard spoken to a bystander at the other end.
+
+"Look here, old man," they said kindly, "we know you're all very tired
+and worried, but just try to _think_ a moment. Never mind dumps now.
+You can't be making all that noise moving a dump--what?" (Specimen of
+Divisional joke--very rare.) "Tell us, is the Bosch shelling?"
+
+"No. They've stopped."
+
+"Good. Then it's all over?"
+
+"No. It's still going on."
+
+"But you just said that it had stopped."
+
+"Yes, it has. But the dump hasn't. It keeps m-moving."
+
+"Poor old bird," they said, "his nerve's gone at last. All right,"
+they shouted, "don't you worry. The storeman will look after the dump.
+You go to bed and have a good sleep."
+
+"Have a g-good sleep!" muttered the B.M., "that's just like the
+Divis--Oh!" and he sat down as a torpedo flopped into his bedroom a
+few doors away and made a hole of it.
+
+Then he sat up. The storeman of the Brigade dump was not two hundred
+yards away from the active one. The poor fellow was to have gone on
+leave that night. Presently it occurred to him that, instead of trying
+to decide who should have the reversion of the storeman's leave, it
+would be better to go and see if there really was a vacancy. Fifteen
+boxes of melinite delayed him but a moment. With melinite you know
+the worst at once; it doesn't hang round like boxes of ammunition,
+for instance. He called a clerk and together they raced over to the
+storeman's dug-out.
+
+"Jock!" cried the clerk. "Are ye there, Jock?"
+
+"Is he quite dead?" said the B.M., making up his mind to use his leave
+warrant for himself.
+
+"No, Sir, he's very deaf, that's why he's a storeman. Jo-ock!!"
+
+"Hello!" came from the ground.
+
+"Are ye all right, Jock?"
+
+"Na. There's an awfu' to-do here."
+
+"What's wrong then?"
+
+"Ma candle keeps going oot."
+
+"Are ye all right, though, Jock?"
+
+"Na."
+
+"Well, what's up with ye?"
+
+"I told ye. Ma candle keeps going oot. What's up yon?"
+       *       *       *       *       *
+When the B.M. got back he found a one-sided war in progress on the
+telephone. The G.O.C. had heated up the wires to red-heat.
+
+"Is that you, Nessel? Where the devil have you been? This noise is
+still going on. Tell me what it is. No-dam-nonsense-now. Let's have
+it."
+
+"If you want to know and you don't mind the Bosch hearing what I say,
+Sir, the dump, the French dump, has b-blown itself to b-blazes."
+
+"Why the _devil_ couldn't you say so before?"
+
+Every dog has his day. With a full and fatuous smile the Brigade-Major
+picked up a paper and began: "Reference your G. 245/348/24 of the 29th
+inst. It says that--"
+
+Somebody must have taken a bone away from a dog at the other end. He
+growled horribly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Flapper (shyly)._ "COULD YOU TELL ME WHAT A STAMP
+STUCK ON AT _THAT_ ANGLE MEANS IN THE LANGUAGE OF POSTAGE-STAMPS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an account of the Ministerial crisis in Sweden:--
+
+    "Two imperialist minstrels, however, Von Melsted and
+    Lengquist, did quite enough mischief."--_Daily Mail_.
+
+Members of the pro-German band, no doubt.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Punch desires to record thanks to the innumerable correspondents
+who have drawn his attention to the statement in _The Daily Chronicle_
+that among the German officers who escaped and were afterwards
+recaptured was "Von Thelan, a lieutenant in the lying corps." The
+existence of this unit in the German Army has, as most of them point
+out, been long suspected, but never officially confirmed till now.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Colonel's Daughter_. "WHAT A WONDERFUL VOICE AND
+WHAT A PERFECT ARTIST!"
+
+_The Colonel_. "DON'T THINK MUCH OF HIM! HE'S GOT A POCKET
+UNBUTTONED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TIPS FOR NON-TIPPERS.
+
+    ["If taxi-cab fares are increased it will put a stop to
+    tipping."--_Evening Paper_.]
+
+Only really robust men should refuse to tip the taxi-driver. Many a
+City man has set out in the morning intent on giving no tips and has
+not been heard of afterwards.
+
+To enable timid men to avoid a tip, the police are providing
+taxi-drivers with antiseptic mouthpieces, through which their words
+may be sterilised.
+
+If the driver insists on a tip do not threaten to take his number.
+Just take it and run. If you haven't time for both, just run.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "ALL-WOOL Black Cashmere Stockings, winter weight. 1/111/2
+    and 2/6 per yard." _Advt. in Scotch Paper_.
+
+We had always thought hosiery was sold by the foot.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "On the estate of the late Hon. Lionel Walrond, Uffculme,
+    Devon, Robert James, 97, is felling for the purpose of
+    aeroplane construction aspen trees which he helped to
+    plant 80 years ago."--_The Times_.
+
+Three cheers for Mr. ROBERT JAMES! "For he's a jolly good feller!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BEASTS ROYAL.
+
+II.
+
+CÆSAR'S GIRAFFE. B.C. 46.
+
+  From Egypt, Africa and Gaul
+    CÆSAR his Roman triumph brings:
+    Dark queens and ruddy-bearded kings,
+  And scowling Britons led in thrall,
+    And elephants with silver rings;
+  But oh, more excellent than all,
+    This pensive beast, this mottled beast,
+    From the marshes of the East.
+
+  _Patres conscripti_, hail him now
+    Divine! Through Rome his triumph rolls;
+    Oysters in barrels, pearls in bowls,
+  Chariots and horsemen, moving slow
+    Where purple garlands droop on poles.
+  _Patres conscripti_, crown his brow,
+    Who brought us from the golden East
+    This unimagined peerless beast!
+
+  Never has CÆSAR made our foes
+    Weep more than he has made us laugh;
+    He who divides the world in half
+  With the long shadow of his nose,
+    And bridges oceans with his staff,
+  Brings now, with pomp of vine and rose,
+    This wondering and wondrous beast
+    From the subjugated East.
+
+  In bronze and basalt let us raise
+    The bust of CÆSAR; he has done
+    Great things for Rome; but here is one
+  Above the rest, o'ertopping praise.
+    The elephants and kings are gone,
+  But still the roaring tumult sways--
+    Much for the Conqueror of the East,
+    More for the incomparable beast.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN INVOLUNTARY RAID.
+
+Life in a convalescent hospital for officers is not one continuous
+round of gaiety, but it has its incidents for all that.
+
+The other day Sister took Haynes, Ansell and myself to have tea with
+some people in the neighbouring village of Little Budford. We were
+waiting in the hall for the car when Seymour came along. Seymour is an
+adjutant when he is not at home, and he likes to see things done with
+proper military precision.
+
+"Here," he said, "you can't go off casually like that. Fall in,
+tea-party."
+
+We fell in, and he went to the smoking-room and woke Major Stanley.
+
+"Party for tea ready for inspection, Sir," he reported.
+
+"Who? What? Where?" asked the Major confusedly. "Good Lord, you young
+idiot, what a scare you gave me! Thought I was back in France for a
+moment. Where's this party paraded?"
+
+"Hout in the 'all, Sir." Seymour led him to where we were standing at
+ease.
+
+"Party!" he roared. "Shunsuwere!" We gave two convulsive jerks.
+"Smarten up there, smarten HUP! Get a move on! This ain't a waxwork.
+Shunsuwere!... Shun!! Party present, Sir."
+
+The Major inspected us.
+
+"I don't like this smear, Sergeant," he said, pointing to Ansell's
+upper lip.
+
+Seymour examined the feature in question.
+
+"It don't appear to be dirt, Sir. Some sort o' growth, I think. You
+try sand-papering it, me lad, an' you'll find it come orf all right."
+
+"Very good, Sergeant," answered Ansell solemnly.
+
+The Major proceeded to Haynes, and eyed him with disfavour.
+
+"We can't do nothing with this man, Sir," said Seymour deprecatingly.
+"'Is legs is that bandy."
+
+"What do you mean, Private Haynes, by appearing on ceremonial parade
+with a pair of bandy legs?"
+
+"It wasn't my fault, Sir. 'Strewth, it wasn't. They got wet, Sir, an'
+I went an' dried 'em at the cook'ouse fire, Sir, an' they got warped,
+Sir."
+
+"Well," said the Major, "don't bring 'em on parade again. Tell your
+Q.M.S. I say you're to have a new pair."
+
+"Very good, Sir."
+
+The Major passed on to me, and surveyed my left arm more in anger than
+in sorrow.
+
+"Why has this man got his blue band fastened on with pins?" he
+demanded. "Why isn't it sewn on? Why hasn't he fastened it on with
+elastic? D'you hear me? Are you deaf? Why isn't it sewn on? Why don't
+you speak?"
+
+"Please, Sir...."
+
+"Don't answer me back! Sergeant, take this man's name. He is insolent.
+Take his name for insolence. You are insolent, Sir. You're a disgrace
+to the Army. You're a ..."
+
+"If you've quite finished with my squad, Major," put in Sister in a
+quiet voice from the door, "the car is here, and we're late already. I
+shall have to push a bit."
+
+I promptly made for the seat beside the driver, explaining that I
+wanted to see the speedometer burst. Sister does a good many things,
+and does most of them well; but her particular accomplishment is
+her motor-driving. After my experiences in different cars at the
+Front--especially those driven by Frenchmen--I thought at first that
+motoring had no new thrills to offer me; but when Sister takes corners
+I still clutch at anything handy.
+
+Surrey began to stream past us. The landscape was extremely beautiful,
+but only the more distant parts of it were visible except as a mere
+blur. After five or six miles we turned into a long straight stretch
+of road.
+
+"The Hepworths live somewhere along this," said Sister. "There's a
+lovely sunken garden just in front of the house which I want you to
+notice. Hallo! here we are; I thought it was further on."
+
+The car whizzed round and through a drive gateway half hidden in
+trees. When I opened my eyes again I looked for the sunken garden; but
+except for a few very prim-looking flower-beds the grounds in front of
+the house consisted entirely of a lawn, round which the drive took a
+broad circular sweep.
+
+"It must be the wrong house," said Sister, and without pausing an
+instant in our centrifugal career we rushed round the complete circle
+and disappeared through the gate as suddenly as we had come. As we
+passed the house I had a fleeting glimpse of an old, hard-featured and
+furious female face glaring at us from one of the windows.
+
+On the road we stopped the car so as to regain some measure of gravity
+before presenting ourselves at our real destination--next house--but
+were still rather hysterical when we arrived.
+
+"You'll hear more of this," said our hostess, when we had reported our
+raid. "Old Miss Mendip lives there--a regular tartar; all kinds of
+views; writes to the papers."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In a subsequent issue of the local weekly we found the following:--
+
+    _To the Editor of "The Inshot Times, Great and Little
+    Budford Chronicle and Home Counties Advertiser_."
+
+SIR,--Even in _war-time_, when one cannot call our souls our own,
+we may surely expect the privacy of individuals and the rights of
+property to receive _some_ respect. An Englishman's home is still
+his castle, though the debased morals and decayed manners of modern
+_Society_ (?) seem to blind its members to the fact.
+
+I wish to give publicity in your pages to a disgraceful _outrage_
+of which I have been made the victim. On Tuesday last I was rudely
+awakened from my afternoon rest by the sound of a large motor-car.
+As I did not expect visitors I proceeded to the window in order
+to discover to what the _intrusion_ might be due. What was my
+_astonishment_ to discover that the vehicle contained a party of four
+_perfect strangers_. Three of them, I regret to state, were wounded
+officers; they were being driven by one of the modern games-playing
+cigarette-smoking young women to whom the old-fashioned word "_lady_"
+seems so _singularly_ inapplicable. Their sole object in entering
+appeared to be the perpetration of a senseless practical _joke_, for
+after _careering_ round my garden at a pace which I can only describe
+as _unwomanly_, they went off by the way they had come.
+
+My gardener, who witnessed the incident, tells me that on reaching
+the road they stopped the vehicle and celebrated the success of their
+inane efforts by _shrieking_ with that unrestrained mirth which jars
+so painfully on refined ears.
+
+Can _nothing_ be done?
+
+I am, Sir, Yours faithfully,
+
+LYDIA MENDIP.
+
+_Manor Lodge, Little Budford_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Orderly Officer_. "HOW MANY HORSES ARE HERE, PICKET?"
+
+_Picket (a little fed-up)_. "ER--HORSE LINE, 'SHUN! FROM THE
+RIGHT--NUMBER!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FOOD SHORTAGE IN GERMANY.
+
+    "While the horse doeuvres were being served, the Kaiser, etc."
+
+At the Imperial table, it will be observed, they put the horse before
+the _carte_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "He held several Court appointments, including those of Keeper of
+    the Privy PuPrse to the Prince"--_The Star_.
+
+It is not every Keeper of the Privy Purse who thus manages to double
+the initial capital.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE P.-P.-D.
+
+Henry is in the War Office, where he takes a hand in the Direction of
+Military Aeronautics. To meet him you might almost think that Military
+Aeronautics was a one-man show. He has, at any rate in the eyes of the
+layman, an encyclopædic knowledge of aircraft and all appertaining
+thereto. When he is out for a walk on Sunday with his wife and
+daughter, and a British aeroplane passes over them with the usual
+fascinating roar, Henry is very superior. Mummy (who is of coarse
+clay) and Betty (aged 11/2, and coarser still) are frankly excited
+every time.
+
+"Look at the pretty airship!" says Mummy.
+
+"Oo-ah!" says Betty.
+
+"B. E. 4 X.," snaps Henry, without looking at it.
+       *       *       *       *       *
+Or rather this is what Henry used to do; but now things are different.
+It was Betty who, so to speak, brought him down to earth again.
+He had great ambitions for Betty, whom he fondly believed to be
+possessed of intelligence above the lot of woman, and he always
+laboured prodigiously to advance her education. Betty took to it
+philosophically, however, and refused to be hurried; and Henry almost
+despaired of getting her beyond two syllables. The "Common Objects
+of the Farmyard" were rapidly assimilated, and all the world of
+mechanical traction was comprehended in the generic "puff-puff." But
+Henry wouldn't be satisfied with this very creditable repertoire. "Out
+of respect for her father, if for no other reason," he would insist,
+"she _must_ learn to say 'aeroplane.'"
+
+"How ridiculous!" said Mummy, who always called them "airships," to
+annoy Henry; "and anyhow it's no use going on at her; she never will
+say things to order. If you'll only leave her alone for a bit she'll
+probably say it, and then your sordid ambition will be gratified."
+
+But Henry cared for none of these things, and when Sunday came, and
+with it Sunday's promenade and Sunday's aeroplane, he went at it as
+hard as ever.
+
+"Say 'air-ye-play,'" he commanded, as the pram was brought to a
+standstill and the droning monster passed overhead.
+
+Betty gazed raptly at the entrancing thing. Then suddenly she raised a
+fat hand and pointed. "Oo-ah!" she said, "puff-puff-dicky!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+And nowadays Henry's omniscience is decently obscured under a
+capacious bushel. If you meet an aeroplane when you are walking with
+him and ask humbly for his verdict thereon, in the expectation of an
+explosion of clipped technical jargon, he will stop and study its
+outline with great attention, and will eventually inform you, to your
+respectful mystification, that it is a "P.-P.-D." Thereafter he will
+chuckle most unofficially.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady_. "WELL, MRS. GUBBINS, WHAT IS THE WEATHER GOING
+TO BE TO-DAY?"
+
+_Charwoman_. "OH, I DON'T KNOW, MUM. I'M NOT MUCH OF A WEATHERCOCK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE SEX PROBLEMS.
+
+    "Wanted, a Blue Bull (Nilgai or Rojh). Apply, stating sex,
+    age, height and price."--_Pioneer_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a German _communiqué_:--
+
+    "On the eastern bank of the Mouse desperate fishing
+    continues."--_Edinburgh Evening Paper_.
+
+And the Bosch has caught more than he bargained for.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the report of the meeting, in London, of the Executive Committee
+of the National Farmers' Union:--
+
+    "Farmers had hundreds of acres of grass which they were willing
+    to turn into meat, but were prevented from doing so."
+
+Mr. Punch thinks that the difficulty might be overcome if the meat
+were turned into the grass.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE H.Q. TOUCH.
+
+  Command Headquarters (who, of course,
+  Ride us as Cockneys ride a horse--
+  I mean, without considering
+  The animal; the ride's the thing)
+  On Army Form--I cannot think
+  Precisely which; the form was pink--
+  Instructed Captain So-and-so,
+  With certain other ranks, to go
+  And at a given hour report,
+  With rifles, such-and-such a sort,
+  So many rounds of S.A.A.
+  Per man, and so much oats and hay
+  Per horse (as specified and charged
+  On War Establishments, enlarged,
+  Revised and issued as amended);
+  And here the said instruction ended,
+  "Signed, Eustace Blank, G.S.O.3,
+  For D.A.Q.A.M.A.G."
+    The reason why the form was thus
+  Truncated was--alas for us!--
+  That Major Blank, a hasty man,
+  Neglected his accustomed plan
+  And failed, in short, to P.T.O.,
+  So never told us where to go.
+
+    We drafted a polite reply:--
+  "Your such a number, Fourth July;
+  Instructions touching destination
+  Requested, please, for information."
+  And Captain So-and-So and men
+  Donned and inspected kits.
+                             And then
+  Command Headquarters went and wired:
+  "The draft in question not required.
+  When any draft is _wanted_ you
+  Will hear _precisely_ what to do;
+  No error ever passes through
+  This office. You will therefore not
+  In future tell US what is what;
+  WE know; and WE are on the spot.
+  The G.O.C.-in-C. is much
+  Displeased."
+              The old Headquarters' touch.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR SPOILT PETS.
+
+    "Cottage, suitable for pigs and poultry."--_Birmingham
+    Daily Mail_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "SUSAN'S PUDDING.--This is a super-excellent pudding, and,
+    as times go, the cost of the material used is not excessive.
+    Required: One cup each of flour, breadcrumbs, raisins (stoned
+    and chopped), currants (washed and dried), also a teacupful
+    of baking powder.... If served only on occasion--a special
+    occasion--the most scrupulously careful housewife should not
+    be troubled by uneasy sensations."--_Bristol Times and Mirror_.
+
+We should--after a teacupful of baking powder.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BELGIAN "MENACE."
+
+KAISER. "IF I GRANT YOU MY GRACIOUS PARDON, WILL YOU PROMISE NOT
+TO TERRORISE ME AGAIN?"
+
+{"Belgium would be required to give a guarantee that any such
+menace as that which threatened Germany in 1914 would in future be
+excluded."--_German Foreign Secretary to Papal Nuncio at Munich_.}]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAID JOTTINGS.
+
+A good deal of dissatisfaction is expressed with the state of the
+cellars to which people have been invited during the raids. "Surely,"
+writes one of our correspondents, "it is a scandal that, at this time
+in the world's history, some cellars should be totally destitute
+of wine. That there should be no coal in the coal-cellars is
+understandable enough; but to ask the timid public into empty wine
+cellars is a travesty of hospitality."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Every effort will be made when the House reassembles to provide
+separate cellars for the SPEAKER and Mr. PEMBERTON BILLING.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. JIMMY WILDE, the Welsh boxer, it has been widely announced, had a
+marvellous escape from an air-bomb. The little champion (for once not
+in a position to hit back) was standing in the door of his hotel when
+the projectile dropped, and blew him along the passage, but inflicted
+no injuries. The world will therefore hear from Mr. WILDE again, whose
+future antagonists should view with a shudder this inability of the
+Gothas to knock him out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. WILDE is, however, not alone in his good fortune. From all the
+bombarded parts, and from some others, come news of remarkable pieces
+of good luck, due almost or wholly to the fact that the bombs fell on
+spots where our correspondents were not standing, although they might
+easily have been there had they not been elsewhere. The similarity of
+their experience is indeed most striking.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE, for example, who disapproves of soldiers laughing,
+happened to be in the country on the night of the 24th. Had he been
+in town he might, in a melancholy reverie caused by the incorrigible
+light-heartedness of his fellow-countrymen, have wandered bang into
+the danger zone. No one can be too thankful that he did not.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sir HENRY WOOD'S project to play TCHAIKOVSKY'S "1812" in such
+perfect time that the audience will have the pleasure of hearing our
+anti-aircraft men supply the big-gun effects, although laudable, is,
+it is feared, doomed to failure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There was no air raid over London on Wednesday the 26th. The sudden
+noise (which happily produced no panic) in His Majesty's Theatre was
+merely Miss LILY BRAYTON dropping the clothes she was not wearing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CONSTANT RAIDER writes:--"It is understood that the German
+airmen's motto--borrowed, without acknowledgment, from the dental
+profession--is 'We spare no panes.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In view of recent events Miss TENNYSON JESSE is considering whether
+her new novel, _Secret Bread_, should be renamed _Air-raided Bread_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. CHARLES COCHRAN is very anxious that it should be known that not a
+single bomb hit him. Had any of them done so, the consequences might
+have been very serious. This happy immunity being his, he wishes it
+also to be known that his various and meritorious theatres are doing
+even more astonishing business than before.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. COCHRAN, however, together with other theatrical managers, has a
+dangerous rival. The raids are threatening to ruin the matinées now so
+prevalent by setting up counter attractions. The thousands of people
+(not only errand-boys) who now stand all day to watch the workmen mend
+a hole in the roadway caused by a bomb would otherwise, but for this
+engrossing and never tedious spectacle, be in this theatre or that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. HALL CAINE telegraphs from the Isle of Man that no bombs having
+fallen there he remains intact.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "GOOD NEWS, LADS; WE'VE GOT A CHANGE FER TEA TO-NIGHT."
+"WHAT IS IT?" "ROUND BISCUITS INSTEAD O' SQUARE ONES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE IDEAL LODGER.
+
+    "Wanted, two Single Rooms, in private or boarding house; special
+    arrangements for constant absence."--_Australian Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTERS OF A GENERAL TO HIS SON
+
+(_ON OBTAINING A JUNIOR STAFF APPOINTMENT_).
+
+MY DEAR BOY,--We both congratulate you heartily on your appointment.
+Acting on your suggestion, I have hinted to your mother that her
+anxieties for your safety may be considerably lessened in consequence.
+You will, of course, continue to address letters likely to cause her
+any apprehension to my club. On entering this new phase of your career
+you will not take it amiss if I offer you a few words of practical
+advice:--
+
+1. Do not neglect your advantages. Always visit the line with a double
+mission, one for the right of the line and one for the left--and see
+which they are shelling.
+
+2. If they are strafing all along the line, inspect Transport.
+
+3. Cultivate the detached manner when dealing with all but the very
+senior. This will give you what is called distinction. Charm will come
+later.
+
+4. What you don't know, guess. If wrong, guess again.
+
+5. Always put off on to others what you cannot do yourself.
+
+6. What little you do, do well--and see that it gets talked about.
+Medals are going round, and you may as well have them as anybody else.
+
+7. Belong to a good Mess and invite people who are inclined to
+criticise.
+
+8. When rung up on a subject of which you know nothing, learn
+to conduct the conversation so that you abstract the necessary
+enlightenment from the questioner himself (while appearing to be
+perfectly conversant with what he is talking about), and, if possible,
+get him to suggest the answer to his own conundrum. In other words,
+bluff as in poker (which I trust you don't play).
+
+These are just a few little hints that have occurred to me. Your own
+good sense will guide you as to the rest. Everybody at home is taking
+a tremendous interest in the War, I'm glad to say. Hardly a day passes
+but I am asked at least a dozen times when it is going to be over.
+
+Your affectionate Father, etc., etc.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an order recently issued at the Front:
+
+    "Great care must always be exercised in tethering horses to
+    trees, as they are apt to bark, and thereby destroy the trees."
+
+Wow, wow!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PERFECT LIFE.
+
+"YES, GAFFER. ME AN' MY OLE WOMAN 'ERE 'AVE LIVED TOGETHER THESE
+FORTY YEAR, AN' NEVER 'AD A QUARREL--FORTY YEAR, MIND YER, AN'
+NEVER BIN BEFORE THE MAGISTRATE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIGNS OF INNS.
+
+  The Herald lives in cloister grey;
+    He lives by clerkly rules;
+  He dreams in coats and colours gay,
+    In _argent_, _or_ and _gules_;
+  He blazons knightly shield and banner
+    In dim monastic hall,
+  And in a grave and reverend manner
+    He earns his bread withal.
+
+  Were I a herald fair and fit
+    So featly for to limn
+  As though I'd learnt the lore of it
+    Among the seraphim,
+  I'd leave the schools to clerkly people
+    And walk, as dawn begins,
+  From steeple unto distant steeple,
+    And paint the signs of inns.
+
+  _The Dragon_, as I'd see him, is
+    A loving beast and long,
+  And oh, the _Goat and Compasses_,
+    'Twould fill my soul with song;
+  _The Bell_, _The Bull_, _The Rose and Rummer_,
+    Such themes should like me still
+  At Yule, or when the heart of Summer
+    Lies blue on vale and hill.
+
+  Let others' blazonry find place
+    Supported, scrolled with gold,
+  A glowing dignity and grace
+    On honoured walls and old;
+  And let it likewise be attended
+    In stately circumstance
+  With mottos writ o' Latin splendid
+    Or courtly words of France;
+
+  But I would paint _The Golden Tun_
+    And others to my mind,
+  And mellow them in rain and sun,
+    And hang them on the wind;
+  And I would say, "My handcraft creaking
+    On this autumnal gale
+  Unto all wayfarers is speaking
+    In praise of rest and ale."
+
+  Then bless the man who puts a sign
+    Above his wide door's beam,
+  And bless the hop-root, fruit and vine,
+    For still I dream my dream,
+  Where, as the flushing East turns pinker
+    And tardy day begins,
+  I take the road like any tinker
+    And paint the signs of inns.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "INSTANT DEMAND FOR WARNINGS.
+
+    "MAYORS OF LONDON MOVING."
+
+    _Evening News_.
+
+They ought to set a better example.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Certain people seem to have misread the statement last week
+    that flour would be reduced 1s. 11/2d. that flour would be
+    reduced to 1s. 11/2d. but that that that flour would be reduced
+    to 1s. 111/2d. but that amount or somewhere about it would be
+    taken off the former price."--_Rossendale Free Press_.
+
+There ought to be no misunderstanding after this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At such close quarters were attackers and attacked that to
+    have used grenades would manifestly have been equally dangerous
+    to both. So, after a brief pause to collect the means, our men
+    began to pelt the Huns with bottles filled with water. Apparently
+    the enemy thought this was some new form of 'frightfulness,'
+    for they speedily threw down their arms and tossed up their
+    hands."--_Daily Telegraph_.
+
+Our contemporary, while rightly applauding the resourcefulness of our
+bombers, might have given the Germans credit for their remarkable feat
+of acrobacy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR SERVICES RENDERED.
+
+If ever, in a railing mood, I have unjustly aspersed the Army; if,
+by reason of deferred pay, over-diluted stew, or leave adjourned, I
+have accused the Powers That Be of a step-motherly indifference to
+my welfare, I hereby withdraw unreservedly all such aspersions and
+accusations. For since my discharge tokens of kindly interest and
+affection have reached me in such rapid succession that I am kept
+wondering what the next will be. With a quarter of a million men in
+his care (as I suppose, since my number was 256801), my fatherly
+Record Officer has yet time for frequent correspondence with "crocks"
+like me. He registers all his letters; he makes his instructions so
+plain that a very suckling might understand them; he takes every
+precaution lest, in the press of business, I should be overlooked.
+
+I had been at home about a week when his first communication
+arrived--an unexpected windfall purporting to represent the balance of
+my pay and allowances. The method of computation would probably have
+transcended my intelligence if it had been indicated; but there was no
+attempt at explanation, nor did I desire it. I stamped and signed the
+receipt form according to unmistakable directions, and returned it to
+Headquarters. A few days later certain arrears of Separation Allowance
+came to hand--arrears whose existence our own unaided sagacity would
+never have revealed. Guided by an illustrative diagram we signed
+the receipt in due form and returned it. Before we had ceased
+congratulating ourselves on these accessions, yet another instalment
+of pay was delivered, with form of receipt as in the previous case.
+We were almost convinced that the country cottage and the leisured
+ease of our dreams were within our grasp, but the well ran dry at
+that point. Some of my balance may yet lurk in the coffers of the
+Paymaster, but I dare not throw off the yoke of my bondage on the
+strength of a bare possibility.
+
+After a brief interval, Records returned to the charge with a bulky
+envelope containing matter of great interest. One of the enclosures
+certified that, for the term of three months, I was transferred to
+Class W.P., Army Reserve. I made various conjectures as to the meaning
+of "W," and so did Cinderella. On the whole we favoured "Warrior,"
+but perhaps we were wrong. At all events, the interpretation of "P"
+was clearly set forth by another document, which explained that I was
+entitled to a pension of eight shillings and threepence per week so
+long as I remained among the happy W.P.'s. There was also an identity
+certificate, whereon some clergyman, magistrate or policeman must
+attest that I was alive when I brought it to him, and a form of
+receipt for all the papers in the batch. I signed it according to
+instructions and returned it to Headquarters.
+
+The identity certificate went back to a specified address, where
+it set in motion machinery by which my pension paper was presently
+delivered to me--accompanied by a form of receipt. This paper was
+covered with mystic circles, whose meaning I discovered when I
+presented myself at the post-office. They were apparently intended to
+appease the presiding divinity by gratifying her passion for stamping
+things. She hit my paper accurately in four of its rings, and then,
+with a pleased smile, handed me thirty-three shillings.
+
+Meanwhile Records had stirred up a benevolent neighbour to call upon
+me. He belonged to an organisation for assisting discharged soldiers;
+he was Opportunity in person for anyone who might need him; but,
+as Cinderella explained, I was at that moment engaged upon work of
+national importance and could not claim his help. Nevertheless she
+thanked the gentleman and placed the incident to the credit of the
+Powers That Be.
+
+No acknowledgment was required for this visit; but a week later my war
+services' badge was delivered per registered post, and I confessed the
+fact both on the usual green slip and on the form of receipt which was
+enclosed. Henceforth I was able to appear in public with an outward
+and visible sign of the ferocity which underlies my demeanour, and my
+most lurid tales had a substantial witness.
+
+Two months went by, during which the O. i/c Records made no further
+additions to our postbag. There are mornings when your friends appear
+to have forgotten you, when a Levitical postman bangs your neighbour's
+gate mockingly and forthwith crosses the street. On such mornings
+our thoughts may have turned to Records with a certain yearning; but
+mainly we felt his care like the air about us, and had no need that it
+should materialise in idle correspondence.
+
+At last my term of probation came to an end. In response to a
+note from Records (with form for receipt) I returned my Transfer
+Certificate and received in its place my final Discharge Papers--with
+a form for receipt. At the same time I heard that the Commissioners
+were in earnest consultation as to the continuance of my pension.
+
+Thus goodness and loving-kindness have followed me ever since I handed
+in the uniform. To this day I am the subject of anxious consideration.
+Not a week ago the early post brought me my character. Imagine the
+incessant parental watchfulness of an authority which can testify
+concerning one two hundred and fifty thousandth of its charge that
+he is "a good soldier, willing and industrious, honest, sober,
+trustworthy and well-conducted." Think of the kindly interest which
+prompted the O. i/c Records to insert a form of receipt--"to guard
+against impersonation." My character might have got into base hands;
+some unworthy person might have gone about professing to possess that
+willingness, that industry, that sobriety, that trustworthiness and
+that elegance of conduct which are mine alone; but the form of receipt
+would baffle him. I cannot explain how, but Records knows.
+
+What is yet in store for me the future bides; but this I know: while
+England endures and Records continues to record, I shall not walk
+alone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady farm-help, being shown her new duties, notices
+fowls having dust-bath._ "DEAR ME! I EXPECT THEY'LL WANT WASHING EVERY
+NIGHT BEFORE I PUT THEM TO ROOST. I'D NO IDEA FOWLS WERE SUCH DIRTY
+THINGS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Aunty (wishing to be sympathetic)_. "I'M GLAD TO HEAR
+YOU'VE GOT YOUR SEA-LEGS, JACK, AND I HOPE YOUR FRIEND IS GETTING ON
+EQUALLY WELL AND HAS GOT HIS TRENCH-FEET."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PURE ENGLISH.
+
+    [A writer in _The Daily Express_ has been discussing the
+    questions where and by whom the purest English is spoken
+    and written, and pronounces strongly in favour of East
+    Anglia, FITZGERALD, BORROW and Mr. CONRAD.]
+
+      Once more 'tis discussed
+      What guides we should trust
+  If we wish to write prose to perfection;
+      Is it BORROW or "FITZ,"
+      _The Times_ or _Tit Bits_?
+  And how should we make our selection?
+
+      Once on NEWMAN and FROUDE
+      We were bidden to brood
+  If we aimed at distinction and purity;
+      And, when we escaped
+      From their influence, aped
+  GEORGE MEREDITH'S vivid obscurity.
+
+      The remarkable style
+      Of old THOMAS CARLYLE
+  Found many a lover and hater;
+      And precious young men
+      Who made play with the pen
+  Were devoted disciples of PATER.
+
+      But these idols we've burned
+      And have latterly learned
+  That "distinction"'s an utter delusion;
+      For if you would aim
+      At a popular fame
+  You must cultivate "vim" or effusion.
+
+      JOSEPH CONRAD (a Pole)
+      Some place on the whole
+  At the top of the tree for his diction;
+      But his style, I opine,
+      Is a little too fine
+  For the average reader of fiction.
+
+      If you can't be a WELLS,
+      Or aspire to Miss DELL'S
+  Impassioned and fervid variety,
+      You still may attain
+      To CHARLES GARVICE'S strain
+  And leaven Romance with propriety.
+
+      For democracy shies
+      At the artist who tries
+  To express himself subtly or darkly;
+      And the man in the street
+      In a fair plébiscite
+  Would probably crown Mrs. BARCLAY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from a sermon:--
+
+    "We meet here to-day under circumstances which are not
+    ordinary ... We seem to hear 'the sound of a gong in
+    the tops of the mulberry trees.'"--_The Record_.
+
+This must be some air-raid warning by the rural police.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "On the roads near by 'a Verdun' signposts have been
+    replaced by new ones reading 'A Glorieux Verdun.' The
+    name of France herself might well be altered to
+    'Glorieux France.'"--_Canadian Paper_.
+
+_Vive le France!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a report of the British Cotton-growing Association:--
+
+    "The negotiations with the Government for the development
+    of the irritation scheme for the Gezira plain are still
+    under consideration."--_The Field_.
+
+We trust we shall hear no more of this vexatious project.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  A lodging-house keeper at Whitby
+  Saw a couple of Zeppelins flit by;
+    Though she felt a sharp sting,
+    It's a curious thing
+  That she never knew which she was hit by.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "War conditions have given occasion in Germany for the study
+    of an oedema disease (swelling) unknown in peace times. Among
+    the civil population it has been generally located in the feet
+    and legs, and in more than one-half of the cases studied some
+    degree of facial swelling was present."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+This last symptom is especially noticeable in the case of the KAISER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Prior to the meeting [of the Irish Convention] in Cork the
+    members of the secretariat attended in Sir Horace Plunkett's
+    private room, and presented him with a solid ivory chairman's
+    mantle."--_Dublin Evening Mail_.
+
+But we are glad to state that the proceedings were quite orderly, and
+that the Chairman did not need this protective garment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOING BACK.
+
+"In these days," I began, but Francesca interrupted me.
+
+"When anyone starts like that," she said, "I know he's going to make
+the War an excuse for doing something rather more paltry than usual."
+
+"'Paltry' is not," I said, "a very nice word."
+
+"I'll take the phrase back and substitute 'rather less noble and
+generous.'"
+
+"Yes, I like that better. I'll pass it in that form as your comment on
+what you haven't yet allowed me to say."
+
+"Quick," she said; "what was it? Don't leave me in suspense."
+
+"In these days," I said, "one mustn't spend too much on railway
+companies."
+
+"True," she said. "I'm with you there in these or any other days."
+
+"And therefore," I continued, "it will be quite enough if one of us
+accompanies Frederick, our lively ten-year-old, to begin his second
+term at school. There is no necessity whatever for both of us to go
+with him."
+
+"Hear, hear!" said Francesca; "your idea is better than I thought. I
+will go with Frederick and you can stay at home and look after the
+girls."
+
+"No," I said firmly, "I will take Frederick, and you must remain
+behind and keep an eye on Muriel, Nina and Alice."
+
+"No," she said.
+
+"Yes," I said; "my eye's not good enough for the job; it hasn't been
+trained for it. I should be sure to mislay one of the girls, and then
+you'd never forgive yourself for having put upon me a burden greater
+than I could bear. Besides," I added, "goings back to school are in
+the man's department, with football, cricket, boxing and things of
+that kind."
+
+"And what," she said scornfully, "are you graciously pleased to leave
+in my department?"
+
+"Oh, I thought you knew. I leave to you table-manners, tidiness
+(that's a tough one), hand-washing (that's a tougher), reading aloud
+from Kipling and tucking him up in bed."
+
+"Quite a good list, if by no means a complete one; but in these days
+one mustn't be too critical. Anyhow it proves that I must take the boy
+back to school."
+
+"It proves just the contrary."
+
+"No," she said, "it proves what ought to be there by leaving it out."
+
+"That," I said, "is a record even for you, Francesca."
+
+"Well, it's logical anyway. How, for instance, could you talk to
+the Matron? You'd be utterly lost before you'd been at it for half
+a minute."
+
+"Don't you worry about that," I said. "I have accomplishments of which
+you don't seem to be aware, and one of them is talking to Matrons at
+preparatory schools."
+
+"Anyhow, you're not going to have a chance of showing it off this
+time, _because I am going to take the boy back to school_. That's
+final."
+
+It was, and in due time Francesca took the boy back. Her account of
+the farewell moments was not without a certain amount of pathos,
+several other mothers and their boys being involved in the valedictory
+scene. Four or five days afterwards, however, we received the
+following letter, which put to flight any idea that Frederick might be
+pining:--
+
+"I am very happy this term, and I am getting on fairly well in my
+work. I like football much better than cricket. I have three or four
+times just not got a goal, once it was when I kicked into goal the
+goalkeeper (3 st. 4 lb.!) rushed out and kicked it away, and once when
+we were playing Blues and Reds, and I was on the Blue side, and I
+managed by good luck to get through a crowd of shouting Reds and
+followed it up amidst shouts from the Blues and shot it to the Red
+goal; but the goalkeeper (a different one) came out and hit it away,
+at which I twisted my knee and collapsed (not with pain, because it
+wasn't anything, but with anger and _desparation!_) Am I to learn
+boxing this term? I am sorry to hear the hens are not behaving well."
+
+I should like to have seen the bold goalkeeper of 3 st. 4 lb. It is a
+proud weight.
+
+R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+YESTERDAY IN OXFORD STREET.
+
+  Yesterday in Oxford Street, oh, what d'you think, my dears?
+  I had the most exciting time I've had for years and years;
+  The buildings looked so straight and tall, the sky was blue between,
+  And, riding on a motor-bus, I saw the fairy queen!
+
+  Sitting there upon the rail and bobbing up and down,
+  The sun was shining on her wings and on her golden crown;
+  And looking at the shops she was, the pretty silks and lace--
+  She seemed to think that Oxford Street was quite a lovely place.
+
+  And once she turned and looked at me and waved her little hand,
+  But I could only glare and stare, oh, would she understand?
+  I simply couldn't speak at all, I simply couldn't stir,
+  And all the rest of Oxford Street was just a shining blur.
+
+  Then suddenly she shook her wings--a bird had fluttered by--
+  And down into the street she looked and up into the sky,
+  And perching on the railing on a tiny fairy toe
+  She flashed away so quickly that I hardly saw her go.
+
+  I never saw her any more, although I looked all day;
+  Perhaps she only came to peep and never meant to stay;
+  But oh, my dears, just think of it, just think what luck for me
+  That she should come to Oxford Street and I be there to see!
+
+R. F.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LIGHT ON THE SITUATION.
+
+    "Dr. Michaelis is the trusted no-hold-out until their plans
+    of annexation have been carried out, and they always receive
+    a gracious telegram in reply. So he who cares to hear knows
+    what the hour is striking."--_Egyptian Mail_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOURNALISTIC HUMILITY.
+
+    "Two years ago The Daily Mail begged our sluggish authorities
+    to study the question of daylight air-raids as well as night
+    attacks. We pointed out their risk; we asked that the best
+    means of meeting them should be considered and the best method
+    of warning the public investigated. The result was that nothing
+    was done."--_Daily Mail_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Of old was it written that they who taketh up the sword shall
+    perish by the sword, and the written word remaineth."--_The
+    Daily Mirror_.
+
+But it hath been a little damaged in the interval.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It may be estimated the Germans opposing our troops represented
+    an average concentration of more than four men to every yard of
+    front."--_Liverpool Echo_.
+
+Never could it have been done with four pre-war Germans!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Up to July 26 1,559 lists had been issued officially of German
+    casualties. Each list contained 19,802 pages of three columns
+    per page, and each column contained between 80 and 90 names of
+    dead, wounded, and missing officers and men--a total of nearly
+    6,000,000."--_Daily Sketch_.
+
+We trust our spirited contemporary has not joined the Hide-the-Truth
+Press, for we make the sum approximately 7,872,186,090.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Gentleman (to father of conscientious
+objector)._ "BUT SUPPOSING A GERMAN WAS GOING FOR YOUR SON WITH A
+BAYONET--WOULDN'T HE GO FOR THE GERMAN?"
+
+_Father of C.O._ "AY! I DOUBT HE'D SAY SUMMAT. 'E'S GOT A SHARP TONGUE
+WHEN 'E'S VEXED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS_.)
+
+I think I prefer Mr. WELLS'S recent essay in the Newest Theology to
+this too concrete illustration of _The Soul of a Bishop_ (CASSELL).
+It's not that I object to the irreverence of stripping a poor tired
+bishop of cassock and gaiters, pursuing him to a sleepless bed and
+cinematographing all his physical twistings and turnings, his moral
+misgivings, his torturing doubts. I owe too much to Mr. WELLS'
+irreverences to mind that sort of thing; and I must say that, for a
+man who can't have had very much to do with the episcopacy in his
+busy life, he does manage to give a confoundedly plausible atmosphere
+to the whole setting. There are two letters from an older bishop to
+_Dr. Scrope_, the one, yieldingly tolerant, to dissuade him from
+resignation, the other, written after the accomplished fact, with
+touches of exquisitely restrained yet palpable malice, which strike
+me as masterly projections. Mr. WELLS also contrives a wonderful
+impressiveness in certain passages of the bishop's three visions. But
+I can't, even after careful re-reading, see the point of making the
+bishop's enlightenment depend upon a mysterious drug. This has an
+effect of impishness. There is nothing in _Dr. Scrope's_ development
+that might not have taken place without this fantastic assistance....
+I suppose the general suggestion of this rather wayward and hasty but
+conspicuously sincere book is, that if only an occasional bishop would
+secede it would make it easier for the plain man to listen to the
+rest. And there may be something in this.
+
+To those who are in love with Mr. W.J. LOCKE'S incurable romanticism
+or who have a taste for heroines that "stiffen in a sudden stroke
+of passion looking for the instant electrically beautiful," let me
+commend _The Red Planet_ (LANE). As a matter of fact _Betty_, the
+heroine, is quite a dear, and the narrator, _Major Meredyth_, a maimed
+hero of the Boer War, who looks at this one from the tragic angle of
+an invalid chair, is, apart from a habit of petulant and not very
+profound grousing at Governments in _The Daily Rail_ manner, a sport
+who thoroughly deserves the reward of poor widowed _Betty's_ hand
+on the last page but one. Perhaps he does not show a very ready
+understanding of the phenomenon of physical cowardice in the case of a
+brother-officer, though later he makes amends. But I take it that it
+was Mr. LOCKE'S idea to present a very ordinary decent sort with the
+common man's prejudices and frank distrust of subtleties. A sinister
+mystery of love, death and blackmail runs, a turbid undercurrent,
+through the story. The publisher's pathetic apology for the drab grey
+paper on which, in the interests of War Economy, the book is printed,
+makes one wonder how the other publishers who still issue books in
+black and white manage to live.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Of the literary reputations that the War has, so to speak, dug in, I
+suppose none to be more firmly consolidated than that of Mr. PATRICK
+MACGILL. The newest of his several battle-books is _The Brown
+Brethren_ (JENKINS), a title derived from the campaigning colour
+that has amended a popular quotation till it should now read "the
+thin brown line of heroes." I can hardly tell you anything about
+Mr. MACGILL'S new book that you have not probably read or said for
+yourself of the previous volumes. For my own part, if the War is to
+be written about at all (a question concerning which I preserve an
+open mind), I say let it be, as here, the real thing, and the hotter
+and stronger the better. There is rough humour in these sketches of
+soldier types, and just enough story to thread them together; but it
+is the fighting that counts. Certain chapters, for example that about
+_Benner's_ struggle with the Hun sniper, seem to leave one bruised and
+breathless as from personal conflict. Mr. MACGILL writes about war as
+he knows it, horribly, in a way that carries conviction like a charge
+of bayonets, and with an entire disregard of the sensibilities of the
+stay-at-home reader. For all which reasons _The Brown Brethren_ and
+their French friends are assured of the success that they certainly
+deserve. Here's wishing them the best of it!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _The Sentence of the Court_ (WARD, LOCK) Mr. FRED M. WHITE
+contrives effectively to entangle our interest in one of those webs of
+facile intrigue from which the reader escapes only at the last line of
+the last page, muttering at he lays the volume down and observes with
+concern that it is 2.30 A.M., "What rot!" The title of the story is
+misleading. There is no Court, and nobody is sentenced, though the
+eminent specialist of Harley Street who essays the _rôle_ of villain
+richly deserves to be. However, as he is left a bankrupt, discredited
+in his practice and detached from the heroine whom he had sworn to
+appropriate, it would perhaps be straining a point to cavil at his
+remaining at large. The idea upon which the story is based, and which
+enables the author to clothe his characters and their actions with
+bewildering mystery, is essentially good and, I believe, new, though
+far be it from me to do either Mr. WHITE or the reader the disservice
+of saying what it is. Suffice that we are introduced to some quite
+charming people, as well as two extremely unpleasant ones, and if the
+web of mystery is held together in places by a somewhat generous share
+of obtuseness on the part of the persons concerned it is not for us to
+complain, since we become aware of the defect only after the affair is
+over.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Apart from the greater complaint that I do not like her subject, which
+probably is entirely my own fault, I have nothing but praise for Mrs.
+STANLEY WRENCH'S latest volume, _Beat_ (DUCKWORTH), except as regards
+her amazing fondness for drooping the corners of her characters'
+mouths, generally either "wistfully" or "sullenly." It only made one
+annoyed when _Beatrix's_ unpleasant sisters developed the trick,
+but when poor little _Beat_ herself was affected that way, in spite
+of the magnificent courage with which she faced the burden of
+deputy-motherhood, it made one miserable as well. The task she had
+undertaken was a prodigious one, for the sisters she had to rear
+were, you must understand, vexed with sex instincts of the type of
+the modern novel, and so in a large measure she failed, even though
+she sacrificed strength, happiness and even her own love-story in
+the effort to keep them straight. The tale is set out with every
+circumstance of sordid misery, in which the spiritual beauty of
+the heroine is meant to shine, and undeniably does shine with
+real strength and purity. The successive deaths of the mother and
+step-mother, the shabby London lodgings, the fall of _Veronica_, the
+selfishness of _Beat's_ boy-friend, and the loathsome trade of her
+lover--these, and more horrors and lapses beside, are all taxed for
+the general effect in so able and vivid a fashion that the authoress
+succeeds to admiration in making her readers nearly as uncomfortable
+as her characters, long before the climax is reached. The end comes
+rather less wretchedly than could have been expected, but even so
+surely this is genius partly run to seed. The greatest tragedies are
+not written in these minor keys. _Beat_, woman and heroine, is so
+admirable that one fain would know her apart from all this unredeemed
+welter of sex and selfishness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I confess I should have thought that the fictional possibilities
+of being as like as two peas to Royalty were fairly exhausted. But
+apparently Mr. EDGAR JEPSON does not share this view; and it is only
+fair to admit that in _The Professional Prince_ (HUTCHINSON) he has
+contrived to give a novel twist to the already well laboured theme.
+_Prince Richard_ (precise nationality unstated) was so bored with
+the common round of his exalted duties that, hearing of a convenient
+double, he engages him, at four hundred a year and pickings, to
+represent him at dull functions, and incidentally to pay the requisite
+attentions to the young woman, reported by photograph as depressingly
+plain, whom political considerations have marked as the _Prince's
+fiancée_. When later one of the characters points out to His Highness
+that this conduct showed some lapse from the finer ideals of taste, I
+am bound to say that I could find no words of contradiction. However
+the originality arrives when _John Stuart_, the deputy, instead of
+falling in love with the bride-elect in Ruritanian fashion, develops
+a marked liking for the prosaic side of his job, and insists upon
+lecturing his supposed relations upon the political crisis of the
+moment. Capital fun this. When the _fiancée_ in her turn proved wholly
+different from the photograph I permitted myself to hope that we
+were in for a double masquerade--but this was to expect too much.
+Still, Mr. JEPSON has handled his wildly-preposterous plot with
+great verve; and even if the central situation is one that has been
+often encountered before, this only proves again that HOPE springs
+eternal.... But I wish he had avoided the War.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Manager of Automatic Dreadnought Pianofortissimo
+Company (enthusiastically to Literary Gentleman who has written a
+moving appeal to the public in favour of the Company's goods)._ "MY
+DEAR SIR, THIS IS MAGNIFICENT. IT ALMOST MAKES ME DECIDE TO BUY ONE
+OF THE THINGS FOR MYSELF."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WHERE MY CARAVAN HAS RESTED."
+
+    "Wanted, modern Detached Villa Residence, inside tram
+    lines."--_Northern Whig_.
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10711 ***
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+</head>
+<body>
+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10711 ***</div>
+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153,
+Oct. 3, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen</h1>
+
+
+</pre>
+<br />
+<hr class="full" />
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+<h2>Vol. 153.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>October 3, 1917.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page231" id="page231"></a>[pg
+231]</span>
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+<p>There is no truth in the rumour that the Imperial Government is
+trying to secure from KING ALFONSO an agreement that German
+prisoners shall not escape on Sundays or in batches of more than
+fifty at a time.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Far better another year of war," said the Bishop of LONDON in a
+recent sermon, "than to leave it to the baby in the cradle to do it
+over again." Too much importance should not be attached to these
+ill-judged reflections on the younger members of the Staff.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In Berlin a crowd of people attempted to do some injury to an
+officer on the paltry excuse that he ordered the execution of
+thirty people for alleged espionage. The German people have always
+been a little jealous of the privileges of the military.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Captain N. BERNIERS, who has just returned to Quebec, reports
+that the Eskimos had not heard of the War. We should be the last to
+worry Lord NORTHCLIFFE at present, but it certainly looks as if the
+Circulation Manager of <i>The Daily Mail</i> has been slacking.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>We really think more care should be taken by the authorities to
+see that, while waging war on the Continent, they do not forget the
+defence of those at home. The fact that Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL and
+Mr. HORATIO BOTTOMLEY were away in France at the same time looks
+like gross carelessness.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Next to the field of Mars we must pay homage to the forge of
+Vulcan," said the KAISER in a recent speech. A stout fellow, this
+Vulcan, but as a forger not really in the ALL-HIGHEST'S class.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Taxicabs are to be entitled to charge a shilling for the first
+mile. The bus fare for the remainder of the distance will be the
+same as heretofore.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It is stated that fifty per cent. of the sugar forms have been
+filled in wrong. On the other hand a number of our youthful
+hedonists are complaining that as far as sugar is concerned their
+forms have never been anywhere near filled in.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Wood Green gentleman has written to an evening paper to say
+that he has grown a vegetable marrow which weighs forty-three
+pounds. There is some talk of his being elected an Honorary
+Angler.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Grimsby lady who has just celebrated her hundredth birthday
+states that she has never visited a cinema theatre. We felt sure
+there must be an explanation somewhere.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It seems a pity that the Willesden Health Committee should have
+troubled to pass a resolution about the decreasing birth-rate. When
+we remember air-raids and the shortage of sugar it is only natural
+that people should show a disinclination to be born just now.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"I don't care how soon a General Election comes," says Mr. JOHN
+DILLON, M.P. It is this dare-devil spirit which has made so many
+Irishmen what they are. The recruiting officer has no terrors for
+them.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>HENRY ELIONSKY, of New York, has succeeded in swimming seven
+miles with his legs tied to a chair and with heavy boots and
+clothing. It is not known why he did it, but we gather that CHARLIE
+CHAPLIN is now wondering whether he was wise, after all, in
+becoming a naturalised American.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The wave of crime still sweeps the country. On top of the
+&pound;30,000 jewel robbery comes the news that a man has been
+charged with breaking into a London tobacconist's shop and stealing
+a box of matches value &frac12;<i>d.</i> (price
+1&frac12;<i>d.</i>).</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A letter has just reached a City office addressed to the tenants
+who occupied the premises twenty years ago. Fortunately such cases
+of loitering on the part of our postmen are extremely rare.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An infuriated bull has been killed in High Street, Tonbridge,
+after wrecking several shop windows. It is thought that the animal
+had misread the directions on its sugar card.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A number of people have complained that they could hear nothing
+of the recent air-raids over London, owing to the noise of the
+firing being drowned by the admonitory activities of the
+police.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href=
+"images/231.png"><img width="100%" src="images/231.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>THE BULLDOG BREED.</h3>
+<p><i>Company Commander</i> (<i>making sure of his men before the
+show</i>). "NOW, WHEN WE GO OVER THE TOP TO-MORROW, YOU ALL KNOW
+WHAT YOU'RE TO MAKE FOR?"</p>
+<p><i>Chorus of Tommies</i>. "YUSS, SIR."</p>
+<p><i>C.C.</i> "WHAT IS IT, THEN?"</p>
+<p><i>Chorus</i>. "THEY GERMANS, SIR."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>Our Centripetists.</h3>
+<blockquote>"Mrs. Eckstein and Miss Eckstein have returned to
+London from Scotland, and they are leaving London immediately for
+London."&mdash;<i>Brighton Standard and Fashionable Visitors'
+List</i>.</blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>"The Irish farmers are confident that the Food
+Controller's declared intention to fix the price of cattle at
+6<i>s.</i> per cwt. for next January will not be carried into
+effect. They believe that Lord Rhondda must realise the necessity
+of making a substantial increase on this figure."&mdash;<i>Saturday
+Herald (Dublin)</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>Lord RHONDDA, we understand, has already met the Irish farmers
+more than halfway by fixing the price at 60<i>s.</i></p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>"The Apia Blacksmiths, Ltd., will undertake contracts
+for the building of houses, with or without
+material."&mdash;<i>Samoa Times</i>.</blockquote>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>"And gives to airy nothing</p>
+<p>A local habitation."&mdash;<i>Shakspeare</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>Taking Our Pleasures Sadly.</h3>
+<p>A correspondent informs us that the playbill of IBSEN'S
+<i>Ghosts</i> at the Pavilion Theatre bears the following words:
+"Mr. Neville Chamberlain says, 'It is essential there should be
+provided amusements and recreations which can take people for an
+hour or so out of themselves and return them to their work
+refreshed and reinvigorated.'"</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page232" id="page232"></a>[pg
+232]</span>
+<h2>SOCIETY NOTES.</h2>
+<h4><i>By The Hanger-on.</i></h4>
+<h3>AIR-RAIDS AND OTHER DIVERSIONS.</h3>
+<p>A promising young poet of my acquaintance, who in the midst of
+war's obsessions still finds time and taste for the exercise of his
+art (he is in a Government office), has allowed me to see the
+opening couplet of what I understand to be a very ambitious poem.
+It runs as follows:&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>"Though overhead the Gothas buzz,</p>
+<p>Stands London where it did? It does."</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>Many good judges of poetry to whom I have quoted these lines
+think them very clever.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A witty friend of mine tells me that he is thinking of bringing
+out a handy and up-to-date edition of the <i>Almanach de Gotha</i>,
+special attention being paid to the changes of the Moon.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Society is always on the look-out for some new distraction from
+the tedium of War. The latest vogue with smart people is to get up
+little air-raid parties for the Tube, to be followed by auction or
+a small boy-and-girl dance. Sections of tunnel or platform can be
+engaged beforehand by arrangement with the Constabulary.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>I hear that my friend, ARTHUR BOURCHIER, continues to draw
+crowds to the Oxford. I was dining the other day with a young and
+brilliant officer, who has seen two months' active service in the
+A.S.C. and won golden opinions at the Base, and he assured me that
+there is no "Better 'Ole" than the Oxford during an air-raid.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Now that London is part of the Front, with a barrage of its own,
+one has to be careful to censor one's correspondence. It is
+advisable not to mention your actual address, but just to write
+"Somewhere in the West-End. B.S.F." (British Sedentary Force).</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The Winter season has begun exceptionally early. Last Sunday at
+Church Parade I saw Lady "Nibs" Tattenham, looking the very image
+of her latest photograph in <i>The Prattler</i>, where she appears
+with her pet Pekie over the legend, "Deeply interested in
+War-work."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A gallant Contemptible has been complaining to me that the Press
+shows no sense of proportion in the space that it allots to
+air-raids. Our casualties from that source, he said, are never one
+tenth as heavy as those in France on days when G.H.Q. reports
+"Everything quiet on the Western Front." I naturally disagreed with
+his attitude. Nothing, I told him, is more likely to discourage the
+Hun than to see column after column in our papers proving that
+these visitations leave us totally unmoved. Besides it must be very
+comforting to our troops in the trenches to learn in detail how
+their dear ones at home are sharing the perils of the other fronts.
+In any case nobody who knows our Press would doubt the purity of
+their motive in reporting as many air-raid horrors as the Censor
+permits.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>&Agrave; propos</i> of the Patriotic Press, no praise can be
+too high for some of our society weeklies. They have set their
+faces like flint against any serious reference to the War. When I
+see them going imperturbably along the old pre-war lines, snapping
+smart people at the races or in the Row, or reproducing the
+devastating beauty of a revue chorus, I know that they have their
+withers unwrung and their heart in the right place. I always have
+one of these papers on my table to be taken as a corrective after
+the daily casualty lists.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A striking feature of the Photographic Press is to be seen in
+the revival of the <i>vie intime</i> of popular idols of the stage.
+The human life of our great actors and actresses as revealed in
+some simple rustic <i>villeggiatura</i> has always had a
+fascination for a public that does not enjoy the privilege of their
+private friendship. And in these strenuous War-days it is well to
+bring home to the theatre-goer how necessary is domestic repose for
+those who are doing their courageous bit to keep the nation from
+dwelling on the inconveniences of Armageddon.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>One of the most profound after-the-war questions that is
+agitating the mind of the Government is what eventually to do with
+the miles of wooden and concrete villages that have sprung up all
+over London like Jonah's mushroom. I hear a rumour that the House
+of Commons tea-terrace will shortly be commandeered for the
+erection of yet another block of buildings to accommodate yet
+another Ministry&mdash;the Ministry of Demobilization of Temporary
+Departmental Hutments.</p>
+<p>O.S.</p>
+<hr />
+<h2>THE TUBE HOTELS, LTD.</h2>
+<p>[Mr. Punch has been fortunate enough to secure in advance a
+prospectus of the enterprising managements.]</p>
+<h3>THE CENTRAL LONDON RAILWAY</h3>
+<p>offers splendid night accommodation in its magnificently
+appointed stations. Every modern convenience. Luxurious lifts
+conducted by the Company's own liveried attendants convey guests to
+the dormitories. Constant supply of fresh ozone. Reduced terms to
+season ticket holders.</p>
+<h3>H&Ocirc;TEL EMBANKMENT.</h3>
+<p>All lines converge to this Hotel, which is therefore the most
+central in London. Frequent trains convey visitors direct to their
+beds. For the convenience of patrons arriving above ground or by
+District, the Directors have installed a superb moving staircase,
+thereby obviating the inconvenience of crowded lifts.</p>
+<p>The platforms and passages are tastefully decorated with
+coloured pictures by the leading firms.</p>
+<p>Visitors are respectfully requested not to sleep on the moving
+staircase.</p>
+<h3>H&Ocirc;TEL PICCADILLY CIRCUS.</h3>
+<h4>In the Heart of Fashionable London.</h4>
+<p>This Hotel, which is one of the deepest in London, is composed
+of four magnificent platforms and nearly a mile of finely
+tessellated corridors. Electric light. Constant temperature of
+sixty-five degrees Fahrenheit. Excellent catering under the control
+of the Automatic Machine Company. Reduced terms during moonless
+nights.</p>
+<h3>H&Ocirc;TEL HAMPSTEAD TUBE.</h3>
+<p>Situated in a commanding position, underlooking the Heath, this
+hotel is positively the deepest in London. The Management has
+decided to extend the accommodation during one week in each month
+by offering beds on the steps of the staircase. No one has ever
+been known to walk either up or down this staircase, and patrons
+are therefore assured of an uninterrupted night's repose. Extremely
+moderate terms are quoted for the higher flights.</p>
+<h3>THE GILLESPIE ARMS.</h3>
+<p>Ensure an undisturbed night's sleep by putting up at the
+Gillespie Road Station Family and Commercial Hotel. Large numbers
+of trains pass this station without stopping, and residents are
+comparatively free from the annoyance caused by the arrival and
+departure of passengers.</p>
+<p>Special terms for Aliens, who are requested to bring their own
+mattresses.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page233" id="page233"></a>[pg
+233]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/233.png"><img width="100%" src="images/233.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>A PLACE IN THE MOON.</h3>
+<p>HANS. "HOW BEAUTIFUL A MOON, MY LOVE, FOR SHOWING UP ENGLAND TO
+OUR GALLANT AIRMEN!"</p>
+<p>GRETCHEN. "YES, DEAREST, BUT MAY IT NOT SHOW UP THE FATHERLAND
+TO THE BRUTAL ENEMY ONE OF THESE NIGHTS?"</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page234" id="page234"></a>[pg
+234]</span>
+<h2>CODES.</h2>
+<p>It began like the noise of rushing water, and for a moment the
+Brigade Major hoped that somebody had taken it upon himself to wash
+the orderly. The noise, however, was followed by a succession of
+thumps which put an end to this pretty flight of fancy. Aghast he
+surveyed the scene before him. Close to the Brigade Headquarters'
+dug-out was an old French dump of every conceivable kind of
+explosive made up into every known form of projectile. No longer
+was it a picture of Still Life. The Sleeping Beauty was awake
+indeed. The Prince had come in the form of a common whizz-bang.</p>
+<p>As he looked (and ducked) a flock of aerial torpedoes, propelled
+by the explosion of one of their number, rose and scattered as if
+at the approach of a hostile sportsman. Another explosion blew what
+seemed to be a million rockets sizzling into the air.</p>
+<p>The store was on fire!</p>
+<p>The Brigade Major retired.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Everybody was in the Signal dug-out (Signals build deep and
+strong). Secretly the clerks were praying for the disintegration of
+the typewriter and the total destruction of the overwhelming mass
+of paper (paper warfare had been terrible of late). The Staff
+Captain and the O.C. Gum Boots, who had been approaching the
+Headquarters, were already half a mile down the road and still
+going strong.</p>
+<p>The Division rang up. One need hardly have mentioned that. In
+times of stress the higher formations rarely fail.</p>
+<p>"What's going on?" they asked.</p>
+<p>The Brigade Major was just going to say, when suddenly he
+remembered. That very morning he had been severely strafed for
+speaking of important things over the telephone when so near the
+enemy. "Had he not read the Divisional G 245/348/24 of the 29th
+inst.? What was the good of issuing orders to defeat the efficiency
+of the Bosch listening apparatus if they were not obeyed?" etc.,
+etc.</p>
+<p>True, it was conceivable that even without the aid of a delicate
+listening apparatus the Bosch was cognisant of an explosion that
+made his whole front line quiver; still orders is orders. So the
+Brigade-Major swallowed hard.</p>
+<p>"C-can't tell you over the wires. Your G 245/348/24..."</p>
+<p>"Yes, yes, we know all about that. Don't say it
+<i>definitely</i>, but give us an <i>idea</i>. <i>Where</i> is all
+this noise?"</p>
+<p>"Here!&mdash;Oh!" piped the B.M. as a crump shook the receiver
+out of his hand.</p>
+<p>"Send it in code at once. The G.O.C. is strafing horribly to
+know."</p>
+<p>To encode a message which may be your last words on earth is not
+the easiest of tasks. It has no romance about it. Who would relish
+an obituary such as: "He died like a hero, his last words being
+'XB35/067K'"?</p>
+<p>To the ramping of the continuous crump the B.M. scraped away the
+dirt and stuff that had fallen from the throbbing walls of his
+dug-out and fished out the Code-Book. Hurriedly he turned over the
+pages to "Ammunition" and read down the set phrases and their code
+equivalents. Four times he relit the candle. There seemed nothing
+under this heading applicable to the situation. "Send up" was one,
+but that had already been done. "Am/is/are/running short of" was
+another, but it was doubtful if the Division would see the real
+meaning of it.</p>
+<p>"Ah, here we are," he muttered, relighting the candle for the
+fifth time. "Dumps." Alas, there was nothing to convey the
+situation very clearly even under this heading. Finally he picked
+out the nearest he could find and sent it over the wires.</p>
+<p>This is what they decoded to the expectant G.O.C. of the
+Division: "<i>Advanced ammunition dep&ocirc;t has moved</i>."</p>
+<p>The G.O.C. said something which impelled the entire Divisional
+Staff to the telephone, where they all grabbed for the
+receiver.</p>
+<p>"What the devil is this code message? We can't understand it.
+You've sent in something about the dump at your Brigade
+Headquarters."</p>
+<p>"Ah!" said the B.M. meaningly, "there is <i>not</i> a dump at
+Brigade Headquarters now."</p>
+<p>"Well, I don't care. We want to know what all this noise is
+about."</p>
+<p>"It's the dump. It's m-moved."</p>
+<p>"Moved? Moved where? Give the map reference."</p>
+<p>"Map reference?" murmured the B.M. "Oh, my sacred aunt, what
+fools ... I'm sorry" (he smiled at them through his teeth) "I can't
+give you the <i>m-map</i> reference, but I can give you the
+<i>area</i> roughly."</p>
+<p>"Barmy!" was the word he heard spoken to a bystander at the
+other end.</p>
+<p>"Look here, old man," they said kindly, "we know you're all very
+tired and worried, but just try to <i>think</i> a moment. Never
+mind dumps now. You can't be making all that noise moving a
+dump&mdash;what?" (Specimen of Divisional joke&mdash;very rare.)
+"Tell us, is the Bosch shelling?"</p>
+<p>"No. They've stopped."</p>
+<p>"Good. Then it's all over?"</p>
+<p>"No. It's still going on."</p>
+<p>"But you just said that it had stopped."</p>
+<p>"Yes, it has. But the dump hasn't. It keeps m-moving."</p>
+<p>"Poor old bird," they said, "his nerve's gone at last. All
+right," they shouted, "don't you worry. The storeman will look
+after the dump. You go to bed and have a good sleep."</p>
+<p>"Have a g-good sleep!" muttered the B.M., "that's just like the
+Divis&mdash;Oh!" and he sat down as a torpedo flopped into his
+bedroom a few doors away and made a hole of it.</p>
+<p>Then he sat up. The storeman of the Brigade dump was not two
+hundred yards away from the active one. The poor fellow was to have
+gone on leave that night. Presently it occurred to him that,
+instead of trying to decide who should have the reversion of the
+storeman's leave, it would be better to go and see if there really
+was a vacancy. Fifteen boxes of melinite delayed him but a moment.
+With melinite you know the worst at once; it doesn't hang round
+like boxes of ammunition, for instance. He called a clerk and
+together they raced over to the storeman's dug-out.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page235" id="page235"></a>[pg
+235]</span>
+<p>"Jock!" cried the clerk. "Are ye there, Jock?"</p>
+<p>"Is he quite dead?" said the B.M., making up his mind to use his
+leave warrant for himself.</p>
+<p>"No, Sir, he's very deaf, that's why he's a storeman.
+Jo-ock!!"</p>
+<p>"Hello!" came from the ground.</p>
+<p>"Are ye all right, Jock?"</p>
+<p>"Na. There's an awfu' to-do here."</p>
+<p>"What's wrong then?"</p>
+<p>"Ma candle keeps going oot."</p>
+<p>"Are ye all right, though, Jock?"</p>
+<p>"Na."</p>
+<p>"Well, what's up with ye?"</p>
+<p>"I told ye. Ma candle keeps going oot. What's up yon?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>When the B.M. got back he found a one-sided war in progress on
+the telephone. The G.O.C. had heated up the wires to red-heat.</p>
+<p>"Is that you, Nessel? Where the devil have you been? This noise
+is still going on. Tell me what it is. No-dam-nonsense-now. Let's
+have it."</p>
+<p>"If you want to know and you don't mind the Bosch hearing what I
+say, Sir, the dump, the French dump, has b-blown itself to
+b-blazes."</p>
+<p>"Why the <i>devil</i> couldn't you say so before?"</p>
+<p>Every dog has his day. With a full and fatuous smile the
+Brigade-Major picked up a paper and began: "Reference your G.
+245/348/24 of the 29th inst. It says that&mdash;"</p>
+<p>Somebody must have taken a bone away from a dog at the other
+end. He growled horribly.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href=
+"images/234.png"><img width="100%" src="images/234.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Flapper (shyly).</i> "COULD YOU TELL ME WHAT A STAMP STUCK ON
+AT <i>THAT</i> ANGLE MEANS IN THE LANGUAGE OF POSTAGE-STAMPS?"</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<p>From an account of the Ministerial crisis in Sweden:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>"Two imperialist minstrels, however, Von Melsted and
+Lengquist, did quite enough mischief."&mdash;<i>Daily
+Mail</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>Members of the pro-German band, no doubt.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mr. Punch desires to record thanks to the innumerable
+correspondents who have drawn his attention to the statement in
+<i>The Daily Chronicle</i> that among the German officers who
+escaped and were afterwards recaptured was "Von Thelan, a
+lieutenant in the lying corps." The existence of this unit in the
+German Army has, as most of them point out, been long suspected,
+but never officially confirmed till now.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/235.png"><img width="100%" src="images/235.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<i>The Colonel's Daughter</i>. "WHAT A WONDERFUL VOICE AND WHAT
+A PERFECT ARTIST!"<br />>
+<i>The Colonel</i>. "DON'T THINK MUCH OF HIM! HE'S GOT A POCKET
+UNBUTTONED."
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>TIPS FOR NON-TIPPERS.</h3>
+<blockquote class="note">["If taxi-cab fares are increased it will
+put a stop to tipping."&mdash;<i>Evening Paper</i>.]</blockquote>
+<p>Only really robust men should refuse to tip the taxi-driver.
+Many a City man has set out in the morning intent on giving no tips
+and has not been heard of afterwards.</p>
+<p>To enable timid men to avoid a tip, the police are providing
+taxi-drivers with antiseptic mouthpieces, through which their words
+may be sterilised.</p>
+<p>If the driver insists on a tip do not threaten to take his
+number. Just take it and run. If you haven't time for both, just
+run.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"ALL-WOOL Black Cashmere Stockings, winter weight. 1/11&frac12;
+and 2/6 per yard."&mdash;<i>Advt. in Scotch Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>We had always thought hosiery was sold by the foot.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>"On the estate of the late Hon. Lionel Walrond,
+Uffculme, Devon, Robert James, 97, is felling for the purpose of
+aeroplane construction aspen trees which he helped to plant 80
+years ago."&mdash;<i>The Times</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>Three cheers for Mr. ROBERT JAMES! "For he's a jolly good
+feller!"</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page236" id="page236"></a>[pg
+236]</span>
+<h2>BEASTS ROYAL.</h2>
+<h3>II.</h3>
+<h3>C&AElig;SAR'S GIRAFFE. B.C. 46.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>From Egypt, Africa and Gaul</p>
+<p class="i2">C&AElig;SAR his Roman triumph brings:</p>
+<p class="i2">Dark queens and ruddy-bearded kings,</p>
+<p>And scowling Britons led in thrall,</p>
+<p class="i2">And elephants with silver rings;</p>
+<p>But oh, more excellent than all,</p>
+<p class="i2">This pensive beast, this mottled beast,</p>
+<p class="i2">From the marshes of the East.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p><i>Patres conscripti</i>, hail him now</p>
+<p class="i2">Divine! Through Rome his triumph rolls;</p>
+<p class="i2">Oysters in barrels, pearls in bowls,</p>
+<p>Chariots and horsemen, moving slow</p>
+<p class="i2">Where purple garlands droop on poles.</p>
+<p><i>Patres conscripti</i>, crown his brow,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who brought us from the golden East</p>
+<p class="i2">This unimagined peerless beast!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Never has C&AElig;SAR made our foes</p>
+<p class="i2">Weep more than he has made us laugh;</p>
+<p class="i2">He who divides the world in half</p>
+<p>With the long shadow of his nose,</p>
+<p class="i2">And bridges oceans with his staff,</p>
+<p>Brings now, with pomp of vine and rose,</p>
+<p class="i2">This wondering and wondrous beast</p>
+<p class="i2">From the subjugated East.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>In bronze and basalt let us raise</p>
+<p class="i2">The bust of C&AElig;SAR; he has done</p>
+<p class="i2">Great things for Rome; but here is one</p>
+<p>Above the rest, o'ertopping praise.</p>
+<p class="i2">The elephants and kings are gone,</p>
+<p>But still the roaring tumult sways&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Much for the Conqueror of the East,</p>
+<p class="i2">More for the incomparable beast.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>AN INVOLUNTARY RAID.</h2>
+<p>Life in a convalescent hospital for officers is not one
+continuous round of gaiety, but it has its incidents for all
+that.</p>
+<p>The other day Sister took Haynes, Ansell and myself to have tea
+with some people in the neighbouring village of Little Budford. We
+were waiting in the hall for the car when Seymour came along.
+Seymour is an adjutant when he is not at home, and he likes to see
+things done with proper military precision.</p>
+<p>"Here," he said, "you can't go off casually like that. Fall in,
+tea-party."</p>
+<p>We fell in, and he went to the smoking-room and woke Major
+Stanley.</p>
+<p>"Party for tea ready for inspection, Sir," he reported.</p>
+<p>"Who? What? Where?" asked the Major confusedly. "Good Lord, you
+young idiot, what a scare you gave me! Thought I was back in France
+for a moment. Where's this party paraded?"</p>
+<p>"Hout in the 'all, Sir." Seymour led him to where we were
+standing at ease.</p>
+<p>"Party!" he roared. "Shunsuwere!" We gave two convulsive jerks.
+"Smarten up there, smarten HUP! Get a move on! This ain't a
+waxwork. Shunsuwere!... Shun!! Party present, Sir."</p>
+<p>The Major inspected us.</p>
+<p>"I don't like this smear, Sergeant," he said, pointing to
+Ansell's upper lip.</p>
+<p>Seymour examined the feature in question.</p>
+<p>"It don't appear to be dirt, Sir. Some sort o' growth, I think.
+You try sand-papering it, me lad, an' you'll find it come orf all
+right."</p>
+<p>"Very good, Sergeant," answered Ansell solemnly.</p>
+<p>The Major proceeded to Haynes, and eyed him with disfavour.</p>
+<p>"We can't do nothing with this man, Sir," said Seymour
+deprecatingly. "'Is legs is that bandy."</p>
+<p>"What do you mean, Private Haynes, by appearing on ceremonial
+parade with a pair of bandy legs?"</p>
+<p>"It wasn't my fault, Sir. 'Strewth, it wasn't. They got wet,
+Sir, an' I went an' dried 'em at the cook'ouse fire, Sir, an' they
+got warped, Sir."</p>
+<p>"Well," said the Major, "don't bring 'em on parade again. Tell
+your Q.M.S. I say you're to have a new pair."</p>
+<p>"Very good, Sir."</p>
+<p>The Major passed on to me, and surveyed my left arm more in
+anger than in sorrow.</p>
+<p>"Why has this man got his blue band fastened on with pins?" he
+demanded. "Why isn't it sewn on? Why hasn't he fastened it on with
+elastic? D'you hear me? Are you deaf? Why isn't it sewn on? Why
+don't you speak?"</p>
+<p>"Please, Sir...."</p>
+<p>"Don't answer me back! Sergeant, take this man's name. He is
+insolent. Take his name for insolence. You are insolent, Sir.
+You're a disgrace to the Army. You're a ..."</p>
+<p>"If you've quite finished with my squad, Major," put in Sister
+in a quiet voice from the door, "the car is here, and we're late
+already. I shall have to push a bit."</p>
+<p>I promptly made for the seat beside the driver, explaining that
+I wanted to see the speedometer burst. Sister does a good many
+things, and does most of them well; but her particular
+accomplishment is her motor-driving. After my experiences in
+different cars at the Front&mdash;especially those driven by
+Frenchmen&mdash;I thought at first that motoring had no new thrills
+to offer me; but when Sister takes corners I still clutch at
+anything handy.</p>
+<p>Surrey began to stream past us. The landscape was extremely
+beautiful, but only the more distant parts of it were visible
+except as a mere blur. After five or six miles we turned into a
+long straight stretch of road.</p>
+<p>"The Hepworths live somewhere along this," said Sister. "There's
+a lovely sunken garden just in front of the house which I want you
+to notice. Hallo! here we are; I thought it was further on."</p>
+<p>The car whizzed round and through a drive gateway half hidden in
+trees. When I opened my eyes again I looked for the sunken garden;
+but except for a few very prim-looking flower-beds the grounds in
+front of the house consisted entirely of a lawn, round which the
+drive took a broad circular sweep.</p>
+<p>"It must be the wrong house," said Sister, and without pausing
+an instant in our centrifugal career we rushed round the complete
+circle and disappeared through the gate as suddenly as we had come.
+As we passed the house I had a fleeting glimpse of an old,
+hard-featured and furious female face glaring at us from one of the
+windows.</p>
+<p>On the road we stopped the car so as to regain some measure of
+gravity before presenting ourselves at our real
+destination&mdash;next house&mdash;but were still rather hysterical
+when we arrived.</p>
+<p>"You'll hear more of this," said our hostess, when we had
+reported our raid. "Old Miss Mendip lives there&mdash;a regular
+tartar; all kinds of views; writes to the papers."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In a subsequent issue of the local weekly we found the
+following:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote><i>To the Editor of "The Inshot Times, Great and Little
+Budford Chronicle and Home Counties Advertiser</i>."</blockquote>
+<p>SIR,&mdash;Even in <i>war-time</i>, when one cannot call our
+souls our own, we may surely expect the privacy of individuals and
+the rights of property to receive <i>some</i> respect. An
+Englishman's home is still his castle, though the debased morals
+and decayed manners of modern <i>Society</i> (?) seem to blind its
+members to the fact.</p>
+<p>I wish to give publicity in your pages to a disgraceful
+<i>outrage</i> of which I have been made the victim. On Tuesday
+last I was rudely awakened from my afternoon rest by the sound of a
+large motor-car. As I did not expect visitors I proceeded to the
+window in order to discover to what the <i>intrusion</i> might be
+due. What was my <i>astonishment</i> to discover that the vehicle
+contained a party of four <i>perfect strangers</i>. Three of them,
+I regret to state, were wounded officers; they were being driven by
+one of the modern games-playing cigarette-smoking <span class=
+"pagenum"><a name="page237" id="page237"></a>[pg 237]</span> young
+women to whom the old-fashioned word "<i>lady</i>" seems so
+<i>singularly</i> inapplicable. Their sole object in entering
+appeared to be the perpetration of a senseless practical
+<i>joke</i>, for after <i>careering</i> round my garden at a pace
+which I can only describe as <i>unwomanly</i>, they went off by the
+way they had come.</p>
+<p>My gardener, who witnessed the incident, tells me that on
+reaching the road they stopped the vehicle and celebrated the
+success of their inane efforts by <i>shrieking</i> with that
+unrestrained mirth which jars so painfully on refined ears.</p>
+<p>Can <i>nothing</i> be done?</p>
+<p>I am, Sir, Yours faithfully,</p>
+<p>LYDIA MENDIP.</p>
+<p><i>Manor Lodge, Little Budford</i>.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/237.png"><img width="100%" src="images/237.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<i>Orderly Officer</i>. "HOW MANY HORSES ARE HERE, PICKET?"<br />
+<i>Picket (a little fed-up)</i>. "ER&mdash;HORSE LINE, 'SHUN!
+FROM THE RIGHT&mdash;NUMBER!!"
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>The Food Shortage in Germany.</h3>
+<blockquote>"While the horse doeuvres were being served, the
+Kaiser, etc."</blockquote>
+<p>At the Imperial table, it will be observed, they put the horse
+before the <i>carte</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>"He held several Court appointments, including those of
+Keeper of the Privy PuPrse to the Prince"&mdash;<i>The
+Star</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>It is not every Keeper of the Privy Purse who thus manages to
+double the initial capital.</p>
+<hr />
+<h2>THE P.-P.-D.</h2>
+<p>Henry is in the War Office, where he takes a hand in the
+Direction of Military Aeronautics. To meet him you might almost
+think that Military Aeronautics was a one-man show. He has, at any
+rate in the eyes of the layman, an encyclop&aelig;dic knowledge of
+aircraft and all appertaining thereto. When he is out for a walk on
+Sunday with his wife and daughter, and a British aeroplane passes
+over them with the usual fascinating roar, Henry is very superior.
+Mummy (who is of coarse clay) and Betty (aged 1&frac12;, and
+coarser still) are frankly excited every time.</p>
+<p>"Look at the pretty airship!" says Mummy.</p>
+<p>"Oo-ah!" says Betty.</p>
+<p>"B.E.4X.," snaps Henry, without looking at it.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Or rather this is what Henry used to do; but now things are
+different. It was Betty who, so to speak, brought him down to earth
+again. He had great ambitions for Betty, whom he fondly believed to
+be possessed of intelligence above the lot of woman, and he always
+laboured prodigiously to advance her education. Betty took to it
+philosophically, however, and refused to be hurried; and Henry
+almost despaired of getting her beyond two syllables. The "Common
+Objects of the Farmyard" were rapidly assimilated, and all the
+world of mechanical traction was comprehended in the generic
+"puff-puff." But Henry wouldn't be satisfied with this very
+creditable repertoire. "Out of respect for her father, if for no
+other reason," he would insist, "she <i>must</i> learn to say
+'aeroplane.'"</p>
+<p>"How ridiculous!" said Mummy, who always called them "airships,"
+to annoy Henry; "and anyhow it's no use going on at her; she never
+will say things to order. If you'll only leave her alone for a bit
+she'll probably say it, and then your sordid ambition will be
+gratified."</p>
+<p>But Henry cared for none of these things, and when Sunday came,
+and with it Sunday's promenade and Sunday's aeroplane, he went at
+it as hard as ever.</p>
+<p>"Say 'air-ye-play,'" he commanded, as the pram was brought to a
+standstill and the droning monster passed overhead.</p>
+<p>Betty gazed raptly at the entrancing thing. Then suddenly she
+raised a fat hand and pointed. "Oo-ah!" she said,
+"puff-puff-dicky!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>And nowadays Henry's omniscience is decently obscured under a
+capacious <span class="pagenum"><a name="page238" id=
+"page238"></a>[pg 238]</span> bushel. If you meet an aeroplane when
+you are walking with him and ask humbly for his verdict thereon, in
+the expectation of an explosion of clipped technical jargon, he
+will stop and study its outline with great attention, and will
+eventually inform you, to your respectful mystification, that it is
+a "P.-P.-D." Thereafter he will chuckle most unofficially.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/238.png"><img width="100%" src="images/238.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<i>Lady</i>. "WELL, MRS. GUBBINS, WHAT IS THE WEATHER GOING TO
+BE TO-DAY?"<br />
+<i>Charwoman</i>. "OH, I DON'T KNOW, MUM. I'M NOT MUCH OF A
+WEATHERCOCK."
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>More Sex Problems.</h3>
+<blockquote>"Wanted, a Blue Bull (Nilgai or Rojh). Apply, stating
+sex, age, height and price."&mdash;<i>Pioneer</i>.</blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>From a German <i>communiqu&eacute;</i>:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>"On the eastern bank of the Mouse desperate fishing
+continues."&mdash;<i>Edinburgh Evening Paper</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>And the Bosch has caught more than he bargained for.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>From the report of the meeting, in London, of the Executive
+Committee of the National Farmers' Union:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>"Farmers had hundreds of acres of grass which they were
+willing to turn into meat, but were prevented from doing
+so."</blockquote>
+<p>Mr. Punch thinks that the difficulty might be overcome if the
+meat were turned into the grass.</p>
+<hr />
+<h2>THE H.Q. TOUCH.</h2>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Command Headquarters (who, of course,</p>
+<p>Ride us as Cockneys ride a horse&mdash;</p>
+<p>I mean, without considering</p>
+<p>The animal; the ride's the thing)</p>
+<p>On Army Form&mdash;I cannot think</p>
+<p>Precisely which; the form was pink&mdash;</p>
+<p>Instructed Captain So-and-so,</p>
+<p>With certain other ranks, to go</p>
+<p>And at a given hour report,</p>
+<p>With rifles, such-and-such a sort,</p>
+<p>So many rounds of S.A.A.</p>
+<p>Per man, and so much oats and hay</p>
+<p>Per horse (as specified and charged</p>
+<p>On War Establishments, enlarged,</p>
+<p>Revised and issued as amended);</p>
+<p>And here the said instruction ended,</p>
+<p>"Signed, Eustace Blank, G.S.O.3,</p>
+<p>For D.A.Q.A.M.A.G."</p>
+<p class="i2">The reason why the form was thus</p>
+<p>Truncated was&mdash;alas for us!&mdash;</p>
+<p>That Major Blank, a hasty man,</p>
+<p>Neglected his accustomed plan</p>
+<p>And failed, in short, to P.T.O.,</p>
+<p>So never told us where to go.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">We drafted a polite reply:&mdash;</p>
+<p>"Your such a number, Fourth July;</p>
+<p>Instructions touching destination</p>
+<p>Requested, please, for information."</p>
+<p>And Captain So-and-So and men</p>
+<p>Donned and inspected kits.</p>
+<p class="i10">And then</p>
+<p>Command Headquarters went and wired:</p>
+<p>"The draft in question not required.</p>
+<p>When any draft is <i>wanted</i> you</p>
+<p>Will hear <i>precisely</i> what to do;</p>
+<p>No error ever passes through</p>
+<p>This office. You will therefore not</p>
+<p>In future tell US what is what;</p>
+<p>WE know; and WE are on the spot.</p>
+<p>The G.O.C.-in-C. is much</p>
+<p>Displeased."</p>
+<p class="i10">The old Headquarters' touch.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>Our Spoilt Pets.</h3>
+<blockquote>"Cottage, suitable for pigs and
+poultry."&mdash;<i>Birmingham Daily Mail</i>.</blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>"SUSAN'S PUDDING.&mdash;This is a super-excellent
+pudding, and, as times go, the cost of the material used is not
+excessive. Required: One cup each of flour, breadcrumbs, raisins
+(stoned and chopped), currants (washed and dried), also a teacupful
+of baking powder.... If served only on occasion&mdash;a special
+occasion&mdash;the most scrupulously careful housewife should not
+be troubled by uneasy sensations."&mdash;<i>Bristol Times and
+Mirror</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>We should&mdash;after a teacupful of baking powder.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page239" id="page239"></a>[pg
+239]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/239.png"><img width="100%" src="images/239.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>THE BELGIAN "MENACE."</h3>
+<p>KAISER. "IF I GRANT YOU MY GRACIOUS PARDON, WILL YOU PROMISE NOT
+TO TERRORISE ME AGAIN?"</p>
+<p>["Belgium would be required to give a guarantee that any such
+menace as that which threatened Germany in 1914 would in future be
+excluded."&mdash;<i>German Foreign Secretary to Papal Nuncio at
+Munich</i>.]</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page240" id="page240"></a>[pg
+240]</span>
+<h2>RAID JOTTINGS.</h2>
+<p>A good deal of dissatisfaction is expressed with the state of
+the cellars to which people have been invited during the raids.
+"Surely," writes one of our correspondents, "it is a scandal that,
+at this time in the world's history, some cellars should be totally
+destitute of wine. That there should be no coal in the coal-cellars
+is understandable enough; but to ask the timid public into empty
+wine cellars is a travesty of hospitality."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Every effort will be made when the House reassembles to provide
+separate cellars for the SPEAKER and Mr. PEMBERTON BILLING.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mr. JIMMY WILDE, the Welsh boxer, it has been widely announced,
+had a marvellous escape from an air-bomb. The little champion (for
+once not in a position to hit back) was standing in the door of his
+hotel when the projectile dropped, and blew him along the passage,
+but inflicted no injuries. The world will therefore hear from Mr.
+WILDE again, whose future antagonists should view with a shudder
+this inability of the Gothas to knock him out.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mr. WILDE is, however, not alone in his good fortune. From all
+the bombarded parts, and from some others, come news of remarkable
+pieces of good luck, due almost or wholly to the fact that the
+bombs fell on spots where our correspondents were not standing,
+although they might easily have been there had they not been
+elsewhere. The similarity of their experience is indeed most
+striking.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE, for example, who disapproves of soldiers
+laughing, happened to be in the country on the night of the 24th.
+Had he been in town he might, in a melancholy reverie caused by the
+incorrigible light-heartedness of his fellow-countrymen, have
+wandered bang into the danger zone. No one can be too thankful that
+he did not.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Sir HENRY WOOD'S project to play TCHAIKOVSKY'S "1812" in such
+perfect time that the audience will have the pleasure of hearing
+our anti-aircraft men supply the big-gun effects, although
+laudable, is, it is feared, doomed to failure.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>There was no air raid over London on Wednesday the 26th. The
+sudden noise (which happily produced no panic) in His Majesty's
+Theatre was merely Miss LILY BRAYTON dropping the clothes she was
+not wearing.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A CONSTANT RAIDER writes:&mdash;"It is understood that the
+German airmen's motto&mdash;borrowed, without acknowledgment, from
+the dental profession&mdash;is 'We spare no panes.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In view of recent events Miss TENNYSON JESSE is considering
+whether her new novel, <i>Secret Bread</i>, should be renamed
+<i>Air-raided Bread</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mr. CHARLES COCHRAN is very anxious that it should be known that
+not a single bomb hit him. Had any of them done so, the
+consequences might have been very serious. This happy immunity
+being his, he wishes it also to be known that his various and
+meritorious theatres are doing even more astonishing business than
+before.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mr. COCHRAN, however, together with other theatrical managers,
+has a dangerous rival. The raids are threatening to ruin the
+matin&eacute;es now so prevalent by setting up counter attractions.
+The thousands of people (not only errand-boys) who now stand all
+day to watch the workmen mend a hole in the roadway caused by a
+bomb would otherwise, but for this engrossing and never tedious
+spectacle, be in this theatre or that.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mr. HALL CAINE telegraphs from the Isle of Man that no bombs
+having fallen there he remains intact.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href=
+"images/240.png"><img width="100%" src="images/240.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p>"GOOD NEWS, LADS; WE'VE GOT A CHANGE FER TEA TO-NIGHT." "WHAT IS
+IT?" "ROUND BISCUITS INSTEAD O' SQUARE ONES."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>The Ideal Lodger.</h3>
+<blockquote>"Wanted, two Single Rooms, in private or boarding
+house; special arrangements for constant
+absence."&mdash;<i>Australian Paper</i>.</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<h2>LETTERS OF A GENERAL TO HIS SON</h2>
+<h4>(<i>On obtaining a Junior Staff appointment</i>).</h4>
+<p>MY DEAR BOY,&mdash;We both congratulate you heartily on your
+appointment. Acting on your suggestion, I have hinted to your
+mother that her anxieties for your safety may be considerably
+lessened in consequence. You will, of course, continue to address
+letters likely to cause her any apprehension to my club. On
+entering this new phase of your career you will not take it amiss
+if I offer you a few words of practical advice:&mdash;</p>
+<p>1. Do not neglect your advantages. Always visit the line with a
+double mission, one for the right of the line and one for the
+left&mdash;and see which they are shelling.</p>
+<p>2. If they are strafing all along the line, inspect
+Transport.</p>
+<p>3. Cultivate the detached manner when dealing with all but the
+very senior. This will give you what is called distinction. Charm
+will come later.</p>
+<p>4. What you don't know, guess. If wrong, guess again.</p>
+<p>5. Always put off on to others what you cannot do yourself.</p>
+<p>6. What little you do, do well&mdash;and see that it gets talked
+about. Medals are going round, and you may as well have them as
+anybody else.</p>
+<p>7. Belong to a good Mess and invite people who are inclined to
+criticise.</p>
+<p>8. When rung up on a subject of which you know nothing, learn to
+conduct the conversation so that you abstract the necessary
+enlightenment from the questioner himself (while appearing to be
+perfectly conversant with what he is talking about), and, if
+possible, get him to suggest the answer to his own conundrum. In
+other words, bluff as in poker (which I trust you don't play).</p>
+<p>These are just a few little hints that have occurred to me. Your
+own good sense will guide you as to the rest. Everybody at home is
+taking a tremendous interest in the War, I'm glad to say. Hardly a
+day passes but I am asked at least a dozen times when it is going
+to be over.</p>
+<p>Your affectionate Father, etc., etc.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>From an order recently issued at the Front:</p>
+<blockquote>"Great care must always be exercised in tethering
+horses to trees, as they are apt to bark, and thereby destroy the
+trees."</blockquote>
+<p>Wow, wow!</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page241" id="page241"></a>[pg
+241]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/241.png"><img width="100%" src="images/241.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>THE PERFECT LIFE.</h3>
+<p>"YES, GAFFER. ME AN' MY OLE WOMAN 'ERE 'AVE LIVED TOGETHER THESE
+FORTY YEAR, AN' NEVER 'AD A QUARREL&mdash;FORTY YEAR, MIND YER, AN'
+NEVER BIN BEFORE THE MAGISTRATE!"</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>SIGNS OF INNS.</h2>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>The Herald lives in cloister grey;</p>
+<p class="i2">He lives by clerkly rules;</p>
+<p>He dreams in coats and colours gay,</p>
+<p class="i2">In <i>argent</i>, <i>or</i> and <i>gules</i>;</p>
+<p>He blazons knightly shield and banner</p>
+<p class="i2">In dim monastic hall,</p>
+<p>And in a grave and reverend manner</p>
+<p class="i2">He earns his bread withal.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Were I a herald fair and fit</p>
+<p class="i2">So featly for to limn</p>
+<p>As though I'd learnt the lore of it</p>
+<p class="i2">Among the seraphim,</p>
+<p>I'd leave the schools to clerkly people</p>
+<p class="i2">And walk, as dawn begins,</p>
+<p>From steeple unto distant steeple,</p>
+<p class="i2">And paint the signs of inns.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p><i>The Dragon</i>, as I'd see him, is</p>
+<p class="i2">A loving beast and long,</p>
+<p>And oh, the <i>Goat and Compasses</i>,</p>
+<p class="i2">'Twould fill my soul with song;</p>
+<p><i>The Bell</i>, <i>The Bull</i>, <i>The Rose and
+Rummer</i>,</p>
+<p class="i2">Such themes should like me still</p>
+<p>At Yule, or when the heart of Summer</p>
+<p class="i2">Lies blue on vale and hill.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Let others' blazonry find place</p>
+<p class="i2">Supported, scrolled with gold,</p>
+<p>A glowing dignity and grace</p>
+<p class="i2">On honoured walls and old;</p>
+<p>And let it likewise be attended</p>
+<p class="i2">In stately circumstance</p>
+<p>With mottos writ o' Latin splendid</p>
+<p class="i2">Or courtly words of France;</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>But I would paint <i>The Golden Tun</i></p>
+<p class="i2">And others to my mind,</p>
+<p>And mellow them in rain and sun,</p>
+<p class="i2">And hang them on the wind;</p>
+<p>And I would say, "My handcraft creaking</p>
+<p class="i2">On this autumnal gale</p>
+<p>Unto all wayfarers is speaking</p>
+<p class="i2">In praise of rest and ale."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Then bless the man who puts a sign</p>
+<p class="i2">Above his wide door's beam,</p>
+<p>And bless the hop-root, fruit and vine,</p>
+<p class="i2">For still I dream my dream,</p>
+<p>Where, as the flushing East turns pinker</p>
+<p class="i2">And tardy day begins,</p>
+<p>I take the road like any tinker</p>
+<p class="i2">And paint the signs of inns.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>"INSTANT DEMAND FOR WARNINGS.</h3>
+<h4>"MAYORS OF LONDON MOVING."</h4>
+<blockquote><i>Evening News</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>They ought to set a better example.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>"Certain people seem to have misread the statement last
+week that flour would be reduced 1<i>s.</i> 1&frac12;<i>d.</i> that
+flour would be reduced to 1<i>s.</i> 1&frac12;<i>d.</i> but that
+that that flour would be reduced to 1<i>s.</i> 11&frac12;<i>d.</i>
+but that amount or somewhere about it would be taken off the former
+price."&mdash;<i>Rossendale Free Press</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>There ought to be no misunderstanding after this.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>"At such close quarters were attackers and attacked
+that to have used grenades would manifestly have been equally
+dangerous to both. So, after a brief pause to collect the means,
+our men began to pelt the Huns with bottles filled with water.
+Apparently the enemy thought this was some new form of
+'frightfulness,' for they speedily threw down their arms and tossed
+up their hands."&mdash;<i>Daily Telegraph</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>Our contemporary, while rightly applauding the resourcefulness
+of our bombers, might have given the Germans credit for their
+remarkable feat of acrobacy.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page242" id="page242"></a>[pg
+242]</span>
+<h2>FOR SERVICES RENDERED.</h2>
+<p>If ever, in a railing mood, I have unjustly aspersed the Army;
+if, by reason of deferred pay, over-diluted stew, or leave
+adjourned, I have accused the Powers That Be of a step-motherly
+indifference to my welfare, I hereby withdraw unreservedly all such
+aspersions and accusations. For since my discharge tokens of kindly
+interest and affection have reached me in such rapid succession
+that I am kept wondering what the next will be. With a quarter of a
+million men in his care (as I suppose, since my number was 256801),
+my fatherly Record Officer has yet time for frequent correspondence
+with "crocks" like me. He registers all his letters; he makes his
+instructions so plain that a very suckling might understand them;
+he takes every precaution lest, in the press of business, I should
+be overlooked.</p>
+<p>I had been at home about a week when his first communication
+arrived&mdash;an unexpected windfall purporting to represent the
+balance of my pay and allowances. The method of computation would
+probably have transcended my intelligence if it had been indicated;
+but there was no attempt at explanation, nor did I desire it. I
+stamped and signed the receipt form according to unmistakable
+directions, and returned it to Headquarters. A few days later
+certain arrears of Separation Allowance came to hand&mdash;arrears
+whose existence our own unaided sagacity would never have revealed.
+Guided by an illustrative diagram we signed the receipt in due form
+and returned it. Before we had ceased congratulating ourselves on
+these accessions, yet another instalment of pay was delivered, with
+form of receipt as in the previous case. We were almost convinced
+that the country cottage and the leisured ease of our dreams were
+within our grasp, but the well ran dry at that point. Some of my
+balance may yet lurk in the coffers of the Paymaster, but I dare
+not throw off the yoke of my bondage on the strength of a bare
+possibility.</p>
+<p>After a brief interval, Records returned to the charge with a
+bulky envelope containing matter of great interest. One of the
+enclosures certified that, for the term of three months, I was
+transferred to Class W.P., Army Reserve. I made various conjectures
+as to the meaning of "W," and so did Cinderella. On the whole we
+favoured "Warrior," but perhaps we were wrong. At all events, the
+interpretation of "P" was clearly set forth by another document,
+which explained that I was entitled to a pension of eight shillings
+and threepence per week so long as I remained among the happy
+W.P.'s. There was also an identity certificate, whereon some
+clergyman, magistrate or policeman must attest that I was alive
+when I brought it to him, and a form of receipt for all the papers
+in the batch. I signed it according to instructions and returned it
+to Headquarters.</p>
+<p>The identity certificate went back to a specified address, where
+it set in motion machinery by which my pension paper was presently
+delivered to me&mdash;accompanied by a form of receipt. This paper
+was covered with mystic circles, whose meaning I discovered when I
+presented myself at the post-office. They were apparently intended
+to appease the presiding divinity by gratifying her passion for
+stamping things. She hit my paper accurately in four of its rings,
+and then, with a pleased smile, handed me thirty-three
+shillings.</p>
+<p>Meanwhile Records had stirred up a benevolent neighbour to call
+upon me. He belonged to an organisation for assisting discharged
+soldiers; he was Opportunity in person for anyone who might need
+him; but, as Cinderella explained, I was at that moment engaged
+upon work of national importance and could not claim his help.
+Nevertheless she thanked the gentleman and placed the incident to
+the credit of the Powers That Be.</p>
+<p>No acknowledgment was required for this visit; but a week later
+my war services' badge was delivered per registered post, and I
+confessed the fact both on the usual green slip and on the form of
+receipt which was enclosed. Henceforth I was able to appear in
+public with an outward and visible sign of the ferocity which
+underlies my demeanour, and my most lurid tales had a substantial
+witness.</p>
+<p>Two months went by, during which the O. i/c Records made no
+further additions to our postbag. There are mornings when your
+friends appear to have forgotten you, when a Levitical postman
+bangs your neighbour's gate mockingly and forthwith crosses the
+street. On such mornings our thoughts may have turned to Records
+with a certain yearning; but mainly we felt his care like the air
+about us, and had no need that it should materialise in idle
+correspondence.</p>
+<p>At last my term of probation came to an end. In response to a
+note from Records (with form for receipt) I returned my Transfer
+Certificate and received in its place my final Discharge
+Papers&mdash;with a form for receipt. At the same time I heard that
+the Commissioners were in earnest consultation as to the
+continuance of my pension.</p>
+<p>Thus goodness and loving-kindness have followed me ever since I
+handed in the uniform. To this day I am the subject of anxious
+consideration. Not a week ago the early post brought me my
+character. Imagine the incessant parental watchfulness of an
+authority which can testify concerning one two hundred and fifty
+thousandth of its charge that he is "a good soldier, willing and
+industrious, honest, sober, trustworthy and well-conducted." Think
+of the kindly interest which prompted the O. i/c Records to insert
+a form of receipt&mdash;"to guard against impersonation." My
+character might have got into base hands; some unworthy person
+might have gone about professing to possess that willingness, that
+industry, that sobriety, that trustworthiness and that elegance of
+conduct which are mine alone; but the form of receipt would baffle
+him. I cannot explain how, but Records knows.</p>
+<p>What is yet in store for me the future bides; but this I know:
+while England endures and Records continues to record, I shall not
+walk alone.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:70%;"><a href=
+"images/242.png"><img width="100%" src="images/242.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Lady farm-help, being shown her new duties, notices fowls
+having dust-bath.</i> "DEAR ME! I EXPECT THEY'LL WANT WASHING EVERY
+NIGHT BEFORE I PUT THEM TO ROOST. I'D NO IDEA FOWLS WERE SUCH DIRTY
+THINGS."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page243" id="page243"></a>[pg
+243]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/243.png"><img width="100%" src="images/243.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Aunty (wishing to be sympathetic)</i>. "I'M GLAD TO HEAR
+YOU'VE GOT YOUR SEA-LEGS, JACK, AND I HOPE YOUR FRIEND IS GETTING
+ON EQUALLY WELL AND HAS GOT HIS TRENCH-FEET."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>PURE ENGLISH.</h2>
+<blockquote class="note">[A writer in <i>The Daily Express</i> has
+been discussing the questions where and by whom the purest English
+is spoken and written, and pronounces strongly in favour of East
+Anglia, FITZGERALD, BORROW and Mr. CONRAD.]</blockquote>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Once more 'tis discussed</p>
+<p class="i4">What guides we should trust</p>
+<p>If we wish to write prose to perfection;</p>
+<p class="i4">Is it BORROW or "FITZ,"</p>
+<p class="i4"><i>The Times</i> or <i>Tit Bits</i>?</p>
+<p>And how should we make our selection?</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Once on NEWMAN and FROUDE</p>
+<p class="i4">We were bidden to brood</p>
+<p>If we aimed at distinction and purity;</p>
+<p class="i4">And, when we escaped</p>
+<p class="i4">From their influence, aped</p>
+<p>GEORGE MEREDITH'S vivid obscurity.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">The remarkable style</p>
+<p class="i4">Of old THOMAS CARLYLE</p>
+<p>Found many a lover and hater;</p>
+<p class="i4">And precious young men</p>
+<p class="i4">Who made play with the pen</p>
+<p>Were devoted disciples of PATER.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">But these idols we've burned</p>
+<p class="i4">And have latterly learned</p>
+<p>That "distinction"'s an utter delusion;</p>
+<p class="i4">For if you would aim</p>
+<p class="i4">At a popular fame</p>
+<p>You must cultivate "vim" or effusion.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">JOSEPH CONRAD (a Pole)</p>
+<p class="i4">Some place on the whole</p>
+<p>At the top of the tree for his diction;</p>
+<p class="i4">But his style, I opine,</p>
+<p class="i4">Is a little too fine</p>
+<p>For the average reader of fiction.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">If you can't be a WELLS,</p>
+<p class="i4">Or aspire to Miss DELL'S</p>
+<p>Impassioned and fervid variety,</p>
+<p class="i4">You still may attain</p>
+<p class="i4">To CHARLES GARVICE'S strain</p>
+<p>And leaven Romance with propriety.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">For democracy shies</p>
+<p class="i4">At the artist who tries</p>
+<p>To express himself subtly or darkly;</p>
+<p class="i4">And the man in the street</p>
+<p class="i4">In a fair pl&eacute;biscite</p>
+<p>Would probably crown Mrs. BARCLAY.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<p>Extract from a sermon:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>"We meet here to-day under circumstances which are not
+ordinary ... We seem to hear 'the sound of a gong in the tops of
+the mulberry trees.'"&mdash;<i>The Record</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>This must be some air-raid warning by the rural police.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>"On the roads near by 'a Verdun' signposts have been
+replaced by new ones reading 'A Glorieux Verdun.' The name of
+France herself might well be altered to 'Glorieux
+France.'"&mdash;<i>Canadian Paper</i>.</blockquote>
+<p><i>Vive le France!</i></p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>From a report of the British Cotton-growing
+Association:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>"The negotiations with the Government for the
+development of the irritation scheme for the Gezira plain are still
+under consideration."&mdash;<i>The Field</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>We trust we shall hear no more of this vexatious project.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>A lodging-house keeper at Whitby</p>
+<p>Saw a couple of Zeppelins flit by;</p>
+<p class="i2">Though she felt a sharp sting,</p>
+<p class="i2">It's a curious thing</p>
+<p>That she never knew which she was hit by.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>"War conditions have given occasion in Germany for the
+study of an oedema disease (swelling) unknown in peace times. Among
+the civil population it has been generally located in the feet and
+legs, and in more than one-half of the cases studied some degree of
+facial swelling was present."&mdash;<i>Daily
+Paper</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>This last symptom is especially noticeable in the case of the
+KAISER.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>"Prior to the meeting [of the Irish Convention] in Cork
+the members of the secretariat attended in Sir Horace Plunkett's
+private room, and presented him with a solid ivory chairman's
+mantle."&mdash;<i>Dublin Evening Mail</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>But we are glad to state that the proceedings were quite
+orderly, and that the Chairman did not need this protective
+garment.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page244" id="page244"></a>[pg
+244]</span>
+<h2>GOING BACK.</h2>
+<p>"In these days," I began, but Francesca interrupted me.</p>
+<p>"When anyone starts like that," she said, "I know he's going to
+make the War an excuse for doing something rather more paltry than
+usual."</p>
+<p>"'Paltry' is not," I said, "a very nice word."</p>
+<p>"I'll take the phrase back and substitute 'rather less noble and
+generous.'"</p>
+<p>"Yes, I like that better. I'll pass it in that form as your
+comment on what you haven't yet allowed me to say."</p>
+<p>"Quick," she said; "what was it? Don't leave me in
+suspense."</p>
+<p>"In these days," I said, "one mustn't spend too much on railway
+companies."</p>
+<p>"True," she said. "I'm with you there in these or any other
+days."</p>
+<p>"And therefore," I continued, "it will be quite enough if one of
+us accompanies Frederick, our lively ten-year-old, to begin his
+second term at school. There is no necessity whatever for both of
+us to go with him."</p>
+<p>"Hear, hear!" said Francesca; "your idea is better than I
+thought. I will go with Frederick and you can stay at home and look
+after the girls."</p>
+<p>"No," I said firmly, "I will take Frederick, and you must remain
+behind and keep an eye on Muriel, Nina and Alice."</p>
+<p>"No," she said.</p>
+<p>"Yes," I said; "my eye's not good enough for the job; it hasn't
+been trained for it. I should be sure to mislay one of the girls,
+and then you'd never forgive yourself for having put upon me a
+burden greater than I could bear. Besides," I added, "goings back
+to school are in the man's department, with football, cricket,
+boxing and things of that kind."</p>
+<p>"And what," she said scornfully, "are you graciously pleased to
+leave in my department?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, I thought you knew. I leave to you table-manners, tidiness
+(that's a tough one), hand-washing (that's a tougher), reading
+aloud from Kipling and tucking him up in bed."</p>
+<p>"Quite a good list, if by no means a complete one; but in these
+days one mustn't be too critical. Anyhow it proves that I must take
+the boy back to school."</p>
+<p>"It proves just the contrary."</p>
+<p>"No," she said, "it proves what ought to be there by leaving it
+out."</p>
+<p>"That," I said, "is a record even for you, Francesca."</p>
+<p>"Well, it's logical anyway. How, for instance, could you talk to
+the Matron? You'd be utterly lost before you'd been at it for half
+a minute."</p>
+<p>"Don't you worry about that," I said. "I have accomplishments of
+which you don't seem to be aware, and one of them is talking to
+Matrons at preparatory schools."</p>
+<p>"Anyhow, you're not going to have a chance of showing it off
+this time, <i>because I am going to take the boy back to
+school</i>. That's final."</p>
+<p>It was, and in due time Francesca took the boy back. Her account
+of the farewell moments was not without a certain amount of pathos,
+several other mothers and their boys being involved in the
+valedictory scene. Four or five days afterwards, however, we
+received the following letter, which put to flight any idea that
+Frederick might be pining:&mdash;</p>
+<p>"I am very happy this term, and I am getting on fairly well in
+my work. I like football much better than cricket. I have three or
+four times just not got a goal, once it was when I kicked into goal
+the goalkeeper (3 st. 4 lb.!) rushed out and kicked it away, and
+once when we were playing Blues and Reds, and I was on the Blue
+side, and I managed by good luck to get through a crowd of shouting
+Reds and followed it up amidst shouts from the Blues and shot it to
+the Red goal; but the goalkeeper (a different one) came out and hit
+it away, at which I twisted my knee and collapsed (not with pain,
+because it wasn't anything, but with anger and <i>desparation!</i>)
+Am I to learn boxing this term? I am sorry to hear the hens are not
+behaving well."</p>
+<p>I should like to have seen the bold goalkeeper of 3 st. 4 lb. It
+is a proud weight.</p>
+<p>R.C.L.</p>
+<hr />
+<h2>YESTERDAY IN OXFORD STREET.</h2>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Yesterday in Oxford Street, oh, what d'you think, my dears?</p>
+<p>I had the most exciting time I've had for years and years;</p>
+<p>The buildings looked so straight and tall, the sky was blue
+between,</p>
+<p>And, riding on a motor-bus, I saw the fairy queen!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Sitting there upon the rail and bobbing up and down,</p>
+<p>The sun was shining on her wings and on her golden crown;</p>
+<p>And looking at the shops she was, the pretty silks and
+lace&mdash;</p>
+<p>She seemed to think that Oxford Street was quite a lovely
+place.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>And once she turned and looked at me and waved her little
+hand,</p>
+<p>But I could only glare and stare, oh, would she understand?</p>
+<p>I simply couldn't speak at all, I simply couldn't stir,</p>
+<p>And all the rest of Oxford Street was just a shining blur.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Then suddenly she shook her wings&mdash;a bird had fluttered
+by&mdash;</p>
+<p>And down into the street she looked and up into the sky,</p>
+<p>And perching on the railing on a tiny fairy toe</p>
+<p>She flashed away so quickly that I hardly saw her go.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>I never saw her any more, although I looked all day;</p>
+<p>Perhaps she only came to peep and never meant to stay;</p>
+<p>But oh, my dears, just think of it, just think what luck for
+me</p>
+<p>That she should come to Oxford Street and I be there to see!</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>R.F.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>Light on the Situation.</h3>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Dr. Michaelis is the trusted no-hold-out until their plans of
+annexation have been carried out, and they always receive a
+gracious telegram in reply. So he who cares to hear knows what the
+hour is striking."&mdash;<i>Egyptian Mail</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+<h3>Journalistic Humility.</h3>
+<blockquote>"Two years ago The Daily Mail begged our sluggish
+authorities to study the question of daylight air-raids as well as
+night attacks. We pointed out their risk; we asked that the best
+means of meeting them should be considered and the best method of
+warning the public investigated. The result was that nothing was
+done."&mdash;<i>Daily Mail</i>.</blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>"Of old was it written that they who taketh up the
+sword shall perish by the sword, and the written word
+remaineth."&mdash;<i>The Daily Mirror</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>But it hath been a little damaged in the interval.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>"It may be estimated the Germans opposing our troops
+represented an average concentration of more than four men to every
+yard of front."&mdash;<i>Liverpool Echo</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>Never could it have been done with four pre-war Germans!</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>"Up to July 26 1,559 lists had been issued officially
+of German casualties. Each list contained 19,802 pages of three
+columns per page, and each column contained between 80 and 90 names
+of dead, wounded, and missing officers and men&mdash;a total of
+nearly 6,000,000."&mdash;<i>Daily Sketch</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>We trust our spirited contemporary has not joined the
+Hide-the-Truth Press, for we make the sum approximately
+7,872,186,090.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page245" id="page245"></a>[pg
+245]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/245.png"><img width="100%" src="images/245.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Old Gentleman (to father of conscientious objector).</i> "BUT
+SUPPOSING A GERMAN WAS GOING FOR YOUR SON WITH A
+BAYONET&mdash;WOULDN'T HE GO FOR THE GERMAN?"</p>
+<p><i>Father of C.O.</i> "AY! I DOUBT HE'D SAY SUMMAT. 'E'S GOT A
+SHARP TONGUE WHEN 'E'S VEXED."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+<h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks</i>.)</h4>
+<p>I think I prefer Mr. WELLS'S recent essay in the Newest Theology
+to this too concrete illustration of <i>The Soul of a Bishop</i>
+(CASSELL). It's not that I object to the irreverence of stripping a
+poor tired bishop of cassock and gaiters, pursuing him to a
+sleepless bed and cinematographing all his physical twistings and
+turnings, his moral misgivings, his torturing doubts. I owe too
+much to Mr. WELLS' irreverences to mind that sort of thing; and I
+must say that, for a man who can't have had very much to do with
+the episcopacy in his busy life, he does manage to give a
+confoundedly plausible atmosphere to the whole setting. There are
+two letters from an older bishop to <i>Dr. Scrope</i>, the one,
+yieldingly tolerant, to dissuade him from resignation, the other,
+written after the accomplished fact, with touches of exquisitely
+restrained yet palpable malice, which strike me as masterly
+projections. Mr. WELLS also contrives a wonderful impressiveness in
+certain passages of the bishop's three visions. But I can't, even
+after careful re-reading, see the point of making the bishop's
+enlightenment depend upon a mysterious drug. This has an effect of
+impishness. There is nothing in <i>Dr. Scrope's</i> development
+that might not have taken place without this fantastic assistance
+... I suppose the general suggestion of this rather wayward and
+hasty but conspicuously sincere book is, that if only an occasional
+bishop would secede it would make it easier for the plain man to
+listen to the rest. And there may be something in this.</p>
+<p>To those who are in love with Mr. W.J. LOCKE'S incurable
+romanticism or who have a taste for heroines that "stiffen in a
+sudden stroke of passion looking for the instant electrically
+beautiful," let me commend <i>The Red Planet</i> (LANE). As a
+matter of fact <i>Betty</i>, the heroine, is quite a dear, and the
+narrator, <i>Major Meredyth</i>, a maimed hero of the Boer War, who
+looks at this one from the tragic angle of an invalid chair, is,
+apart from a habit of petulant and not very profound grousing at
+Governments in <i>The Daily Rail</i> manner, a sport who thoroughly
+deserves the reward of poor widowed <i>Betty's</i> hand on the last
+page but one. Perhaps he does not show a very ready understanding
+of the phenomenon of physical cowardice in the case of a
+brother-officer, though later he makes amends. But I take it that
+it was Mr. LOCKE'S idea to present a very ordinary decent sort with
+the common man's prejudices and frank distrust of subtleties. A
+sinister mystery of love, death and blackmail runs, a turbid
+undercurrent, through the story. The publisher's pathetic apology
+for the drab grey paper on which, in the interests of War Economy,
+the book is printed, makes one wonder how the other publishers who
+still issue books in black and white manage to live.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Of the literary reputations that the War has, so to speak, dug
+in, I suppose none to be more firmly consolidated than that of Mr.
+PATRICK MACGILL. The newest of his several battle-books is <i>The
+Brown Brethren</i> (JENKINS), a title derived from the campaigning
+colour that has amended a popular quotation till it should now read
+"the thin brown line of heroes." I can hardly tell you anything
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page246" id="page246"></a>[pg
+246]</span> about Mr. MACGILL'S new book that you have not probably
+read or said for yourself of the previous volumes. For my own part,
+if the War is to be written about at all (a question concerning
+which I preserve an open mind), I say let it be, as here, the real
+thing, and the hotter and stronger the better. There is rough
+humour in these sketches of soldier types, and just enough story to
+thread them together; but it is the fighting that counts. Certain
+chapters, for example that about <i>Benner's</i> struggle with the
+Hun sniper, seem to leave one bruised and breathless as from
+personal conflict. Mr. MACGILL writes about war as he knows it,
+horribly, in a way that carries conviction like a charge of
+bayonets, and with an entire disregard of the sensibilities of the
+stay-at-home reader. For all which reasons <i>The Brown
+Brethren</i> and their French friends are assured of the success
+that they certainly deserve. Here's wishing them the best of
+it!</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In <i>The Sentence of the Court</i> (WARD, LOCK) Mr. FRED M.
+WHITE contrives effectively to entangle our interest in one of
+those webs of facile intrigue from which the reader escapes only at
+the last line of the last page, muttering at he lays the volume
+down and observes with concern that it is 2.30 A.M., "What rot!"
+The title of the story is misleading. There is no Court, and nobody
+is sentenced, though the eminent specialist of Harley Street who
+essays the <i>r&ocirc;le</i> of villain richly deserves to be.
+However, as he is left a bankrupt, discredited in his practice and
+detached from the heroine whom he had sworn to appropriate, it
+would perhaps be straining a point to cavil at his remaining at
+large. The idea upon which the story is based, and which enables
+the author to clothe his characters and their actions with
+bewildering mystery, is essentially good and, I believe, new,
+though far be it from me to do either Mr. WHITE or the reader the
+disservice of saying what it is. Suffice that we are introduced to
+some quite charming people, as well as two extremely unpleasant
+ones, and if the web of mystery is held together in places by a
+somewhat generous share of obtuseness on the part of the persons
+concerned it is not for us to complain, since we become aware of
+the defect only after the affair is over.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Apart from the greater complaint that I do not like her subject,
+which probably is entirely my own fault, I have nothing but praise
+for Mrs. STANLEY WRENCH'S latest volume, <i>Beat</i> (DUCKWORTH),
+except as regards her amazing fondness for drooping the corners of
+her characters' mouths, generally either "wistfully" or "sullenly."
+It only made one annoyed when <i>Beatrix's</i> unpleasant sisters
+developed the trick, but when poor little <i>Beat</i> herself was
+affected that way, in spite of the magnificent courage with which
+she faced the burden of deputy-motherhood, it made one miserable as
+well. The task she had undertaken was a prodigious one, for the
+sisters she had to rear were, you must understand, vexed with sex
+instincts of the type of the modern novel, and so in a large
+measure she failed, even though she sacrificed strength, happiness
+and even her own love-story in the effort to keep them straight.
+The tale is set out with every circumstance of sordid misery, in
+which the spiritual beauty of the heroine is meant to shine, and
+undeniably does shine with real strength and purity. The successive
+deaths of the mother and step-mother, the shabby London lodgings,
+the fall of <i>Veronica</i>, the selfishness of <i>Beat's</i>
+boy-friend, and the loathsome trade of her lover&mdash;these, and
+more horrors and lapses beside, are all taxed for the general
+effect in so able and vivid a fashion that the authoress succeeds
+to admiration in making her readers nearly as uncomfortable as her
+characters, long before the climax is reached. The end comes rather
+less wretchedly than could have been expected, but even so surely
+this is genius partly run to seed. The greatest tragedies are not
+written in these minor keys. <i>Beat</i>, woman and heroine, is so
+admirable that one fain would know her apart from all this
+unredeemed welter of sex and selfishness.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>I confess I should have thought that the fictional possibilities
+of being as like as two peas to Royalty were fairly exhausted. But
+apparently Mr. EDGAR JEPSON does not share this view; and it is
+only fair to admit that in <i>The Professional Prince</i>
+(HUTCHINSON) he has contrived to give a novel twist to the already
+well laboured theme. <i>Prince Richard</i> (precise nationality
+unstated) was so bored with the common round of his exalted duties
+that, hearing of a convenient double, he engages him, at four
+hundred a year and pickings, to represent him at dull functions,
+and incidentally to pay the requisite attentions to the young
+woman, reported by photograph as depressingly plain, whom political
+considerations have marked as the <i>Prince's fianc&eacute;e</i>.
+When later one of the characters points out to His Highness that
+this conduct showed some lapse from the finer ideals of taste, I am
+bound to say that I could find no words of contradiction. However
+the originality arrives when <i>John Stuart</i>, the deputy,
+instead of falling in love with the bride-elect in Ruritanian
+fashion, develops a marked liking for the prosaic side of his job,
+and insists upon lecturing his supposed relations upon the
+political crisis of the moment. Capital fun this. When the
+<i>fianc&eacute;e</i> in her turn proved wholly different from the
+photograph I permitted myself to hope that we were in for a double
+masquerade&mdash;but this was to expect too much. Still, Mr. JEPSON
+has handled his wildly-preposterous plot with great verve; and even
+if the central situation is one that has been often encountered
+before, this only proves again that HOPE springs eternal.... But I
+wish he had avoided the War.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href=
+"images/246.png"><img width="100%" src="images/246.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Manager of Automatic Dreadnought Pianofortissimo Company
+(enthusiastically to Literary Gentleman who has written a moving
+appeal to the public in favour of the Company's goods).</i> "MY
+DEAR SIR, THIS IS MAGNIFICENT. IT ALMOST MAKES ME DECIDE TO BUY ONE
+OF THE THINGS FOR MYSELF."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>"Where my Caravan has Rested."</h3>
+<blockquote>"Wanted, modern Detached Villa Residence, inside tram
+lines."&mdash;<i>Northern Whig</i>.</blockquote>
+<hr class="full" />
+<pre>
+
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10711 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
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+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #10711 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/10711)
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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153,
+Oct. 3, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Oct. 3, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 13, 2004  [eBook #10711]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: iso-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 153, OCT. 3, 1917***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari,
+William Flis and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 153.
+
+OCTOBER 3, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+There is no truth in the rumour that the Imperial Government is trying
+to secure from KING ALFONSO an agreement that German prisoners shall
+not escape on Sundays or in batches of more than fifty at a time.
+
+       ***
+
+"Far better another year of war," said the Bishop of LONDON in a
+recent sermon, "than to leave it to the baby in the cradle to do it
+over again." Too much importance should not be attached to these
+ill-judged reflections on the younger members of the Staff.
+
+       ***
+
+In Berlin a crowd of people attempted to do some injury to an officer
+on the paltry excuse that he ordered the execution of thirty people
+for alleged espionage. The German people have always been a little
+jealous of the privileges of the military.
+
+       ***
+
+Captain N. BERNIERS, who has just returned to Quebec, reports that the
+Eskimos had not heard of the War. We should be the last to worry Lord
+NORTHCLIFFE at present, but it certainly looks as if the Circulation
+Manager of _The Daily Mail_ has been slacking.
+
+       ***
+
+We really think more care should be taken by the authorities to see
+that, while waging war on the Continent, they do not forget the
+defence of those at home. The fact that Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL and Mr.
+HORATIO BOTTOMLEY were away in France at the same time looks like
+gross carelessness.
+
+       ***
+
+"Next to the field of Mars we must pay homage to the forge of Vulcan,"
+said the KAISER in a recent speech. A stout fellow, this Vulcan, but
+as a forger not really in the ALL-HIGHEST'S class.
+
+       ***
+
+Taxicabs are to be entitled to charge a shilling for the first mile.
+The bus fare for the remainder of the distance will be the same as
+heretofore.
+
+       ***
+
+It is stated that fifty per cent. of the sugar forms have been filled
+in wrong. On the other hand a number of our youthful hedonists are
+complaining that as far as sugar is concerned their forms have never
+been anywhere near filled in.
+
+       ***
+
+A Wood Green gentleman has written to an evening paper to say that he
+has grown a vegetable marrow which weighs forty-three pounds. There is
+some talk of his being elected an Honorary Angler.
+
+       ***
+
+A Grimsby lady who has just celebrated her hundredth birthday states
+that she has never visited a cinema theatre. We felt sure there must
+be an explanation somewhere.
+
+       ***
+
+It seems a pity that the Willesden Health Committee should have
+troubled to pass a resolution about the decreasing birth-rate. When we
+remember air-raids and the shortage of sugar it is only natural that
+people should show a disinclination to be born just now.
+
+       ***
+
+"I don't care how soon a General Election comes," says Mr. JOHN
+DILLON, M.P. It is this dare-devil spirit which has made so many
+Irishmen what they are. The recruiting officer has no terrors for
+them.
+
+       ***
+
+HENRY ELIONSKY, of New York, has succeeded in swimming seven miles
+with his legs tied to a chair and with heavy boots and clothing. It
+is not known why he did it, but we gather that CHARLIE CHAPLIN is now
+wondering whether he was wise, after all, in becoming a naturalised
+American.
+
+       ***
+
+The wave of crime still sweeps the country. On top of the £30,000
+jewel robbery comes the news that a man has been charged with breaking
+into a London tobacconist's shop and stealing a box of matches value
+1/2d. (price 11/2d.).
+
+       ***
+
+A letter has just reached a City office addressed to the tenants who
+occupied the premises twenty years ago. Fortunately such cases of
+loitering on the part of our postmen are extremely rare.
+
+       ***
+
+An infuriated bull has been killed in High Street, Tonbridge, after
+wrecking several shop windows. It is thought that the animal had
+misread the directions on its sugar card.
+
+       ***
+
+A number of people have complained that they could hear nothing of the
+recent air-raids over London, owing to the noise of the firing being
+drowned by the admonitory activities of the police.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BULLDOG BREED.
+
+_Company Commander_ (_making sure of his men before the show_). "NOW,
+WHEN WE GO OVER THE TOP TO-MORROW, YOU ALL KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TO MAKE
+FOR?"
+
+_Chorus of Tommies_. "YUSS, SIR."
+
+_C.C._ "WHAT IS IT, THEN?"
+
+_Chorus_. "THEY GERMANS, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR CENTRIPETISTS.
+
+    "Mrs. Eckstein and Miss Eckstein have returned to London
+    from Scotland, and they are leaving London immediately for
+    London."--_Brighton Standard and Fashionable Visitors' List_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Irish farmers are confident that the Food Controller's
+    declared intention to fix the price of cattle at 6s. per cwt. for
+    next January will not be carried into effect. They believe that
+    Lord Rhondda must realise the necessity of making a substantial
+    increase on this figure."--_Saturday Herald (Dublin)_.
+
+Lord RHONDDA, we understand, has already met the Irish farmers more
+than halfway by fixing the price at 60s.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+    "The Apia Blacksmiths, Ltd., will undertake contracts for the
+    building of houses, with or without material."--_Samoa Times_.
+
+  "And gives to airy nothing
+  A local habitation."--_Shakspeare_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TAKING OUR PLEASURES SADLY.
+
+A correspondent informs us that the playbill of IBSEN'S _Ghosts_
+at the Pavilion Theatre bears the following words: "Mr. Neville
+Chamberlain says, 'It is essential there should be provided amusements
+and recreations which can take people for an hour or so out of
+themselves and return them to their work refreshed and reinvigorated.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOCIETY NOTES.
+
+_BY THE HANGER-ON._
+
+AIR-RAIDS AND OTHER DIVERSIONS.
+
+A promising young poet of my acquaintance, who in the midst of war's
+obsessions still finds time and taste for the exercise of his art
+(he is in a Government office), has allowed me to see the opening
+couplet of what I understand to be a very ambitious poem. It runs as
+follows:--
+
+  "Though overhead the Gothas buzz,
+  Stands London where it did? It does."
+
+Many good judges of poetry to whom I have quoted these lines think
+them very clever.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A witty friend of mine tells me that he is thinking of bringing out
+a handy and up-to-date edition of the _Almanach de Gotha_, special
+attention being paid to the changes of the Moon.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Society is always on the look-out for some new distraction from the
+tedium of War. The latest vogue with smart people is to get up little
+air-raid parties for the Tube, to be followed by auction or a small
+boy-and-girl dance. Sections of tunnel or platform can be engaged
+beforehand by arrangement with the Constabulary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I hear that my friend, ARTHUR BOURCHIER, continues to draw crowds to
+the Oxford. I was dining the other day with a young and brilliant
+officer, who has seen two months' active service in the A.S.C. and
+won golden opinions at the Base, and he assured me that there is no
+"Better 'Ole" than the Oxford during an air-raid.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Now that London is part of the Front, with a barrage of its own, one
+has to be careful to censor one's correspondence. It is advisable not
+to mention your actual address, but just to write "Somewhere in the
+West-End. B.S.F." (British Sedentary Force).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Winter season has begun exceptionally early. Last Sunday at Church
+Parade I saw Lady "Nibs" Tattenham, looking the very image of her
+latest photograph in _The Prattler_, where she appears with her pet
+Pekie over the legend, "Deeply interested in War-work."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A gallant Contemptible has been complaining to me that the Press shows
+no sense of proportion in the space that it allots to air-raids. Our
+casualties from that source, he said, are never one tenth as heavy as
+those in France on days when G.H.Q. reports "Everything quiet on the
+Western Front." I naturally disagreed with his attitude. Nothing, I
+told him, is more likely to discourage the Hun than to see column
+after column in our papers proving that these visitations leave us
+totally unmoved. Besides it must be very comforting to our troops
+in the trenches to learn in detail how their dear ones at home are
+sharing the perils of the other fronts. In any case nobody who knows
+our Press would doubt the purity of their motive in reporting as many
+air-raid horrors as the Censor permits.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_À propos_ of the Patriotic Press, no praise can be too high for some
+of our society weeklies. They have set their faces like flint against
+any serious reference to the War. When I see them going imperturbably
+along the old pre-war lines, snapping smart people at the races or in
+the Row, or reproducing the devastating beauty of a revue chorus, I
+know that they have their withers unwrung and their heart in the right
+place. I always have one of these papers on my table to be taken as a
+corrective after the daily casualty lists.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A striking feature of the Photographic Press is to be seen in the
+revival of the _vie intime_ of popular idols of the stage. The human
+life of our great actors and actresses as revealed in some simple
+rustic _villeggiatura_ has always had a fascination for a public that
+does not enjoy the privilege of their private friendship. And in these
+strenuous War-days it is well to bring home to the theatre-goer how
+necessary is domestic repose for those who are doing their courageous
+bit to keep the nation from dwelling on the inconveniences of
+Armageddon.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+One of the most profound after-the-war questions that is agitating
+the mind of the Government is what eventually to do with the miles
+of wooden and concrete villages that have sprung up all over London
+like Jonah's mushroom. I hear a rumour that the House of Commons
+tea-terrace will shortly be commandeered for the erection of yet
+another block of buildings to accommodate yet another Ministry--the
+Ministry of Demobilization of Temporary Departmental Hutments.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TUBE HOTELS, LTD.
+
+[Mr. Punch has been fortunate enough to secure in advance a prospectus
+of the enterprising managements.]
+
+THE CENTRAL LONDON RAILWAY
+
+offers splendid night accommodation in its magnificently appointed
+stations. Every modern convenience. Luxurious lifts conducted by the
+Company's own liveried attendants convey guests to the dormitories.
+Constant supply of fresh ozone. Reduced terms to season ticket
+holders.
+
+
+HÔTEL EMBANKMENT.
+
+All lines converge to this Hotel, which is therefore the most central
+in London. Frequent trains convey visitors direct to their beds. For
+the convenience of patrons arriving above ground or by District, the
+Directors have installed a superb moving staircase, thereby obviating
+the inconvenience of crowded lifts.
+
+The platforms and passages are tastefully decorated with coloured
+pictures by the leading firms.
+
+Visitors are respectfully requested not to sleep on the moving
+staircase.
+
+
+HÔTEL PICCADILLY CIRCUS.
+
+IN THE HEART OF FASHIONABLE LONDON.
+
+This Hotel, which is one of the deepest in London, is composed of
+four magnificent platforms and nearly a mile of finely tessellated
+corridors. Electric light. Constant temperature of sixty-five degrees
+Fahrenheit. Excellent catering under the control of the Automatic
+Machine Company. Reduced terms during moonless nights.
+
+
+HÔTEL HAMPSTEAD TUBE.
+
+Situated in a commanding position, underlooking the Heath, this hotel
+is positively the deepest in London. The Management has decided to
+extend the accommodation during one week in each month by offering
+beds on the steps of the staircase. No one has ever been known to walk
+either up or down this staircase, and patrons are therefore assured of
+an uninterrupted night's repose. Extremely moderate terms are quoted
+for the higher flights.
+
+
+THE GILLESPIE ARMS.
+
+Ensure an undisturbed night's sleep by putting up at the Gillespie
+Road Station Family and Commercial Hotel. Large numbers of trains pass
+this station without stopping, and residents are comparatively free
+from the annoyance caused by the arrival and departure of passengers.
+
+Special terms for Aliens, who are requested to bring their own
+mattresses.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PLACE IN THE MOON.
+
+HANS. "HOW BEAUTIFUL A MOON, MY LOVE, FOR SHOWING UP ENGLAND TO OUR
+GALLANT AIRMEN!"
+
+GRETCHEN. "YES, DEAREST, BUT MAY IT NOT SHOW UP THE FATHERLAND TO THE
+BRUTAL ENEMY ONE OF THESE NIGHTS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CODES.
+
+It began like the noise of rushing water, and for a moment the Brigade
+Major hoped that somebody had taken it upon himself to wash the
+orderly. The noise, however, was followed by a succession of thumps
+which put an end to this pretty flight of fancy. Aghast he surveyed
+the scene before him. Close to the Brigade Headquarters' dug-out was
+an old French dump of every conceivable kind of explosive made up into
+every known form of projectile. No longer was it a picture of Still
+Life. The Sleeping Beauty was awake indeed. The Prince had come in the
+form of a common whizz-bang.
+
+As he looked (and ducked) a flock of aerial torpedoes, propelled by
+the explosion of one of their number, rose and scattered as if at the
+approach of a hostile sportsman. Another explosion blew what seemed to
+be a million rockets sizzling into the air.
+
+The store was on fire!
+
+The Brigade Major retired.
+       *       *       *       *       *
+Everybody was in the Signal dug-out (Signals build deep and strong).
+Secretly the clerks were praying for the disintegration of the
+typewriter and the total destruction of the overwhelming mass of paper
+(paper warfare had been terrible of late). The Staff Captain and
+the O.C. Gum Boots, who had been approaching the Headquarters, were
+already half a mile down the road and still going strong.
+
+The Division rang up. One need hardly have mentioned that. In times of
+stress the higher formations rarely fail.
+
+"What's going on?" they asked.
+
+The Brigade Major was just going to say, when suddenly he remembered.
+That very morning he had been severely strafed for speaking of
+important things over the telephone when so near the enemy. "Had he
+not read the Divisional G 245/348/24 of the 29th inst.? What was the
+good of issuing orders to defeat the efficiency of the Bosch listening
+apparatus if they were not obeyed?" etc., etc.
+
+True, it was conceivable that even without the aid of a delicate
+listening apparatus the Bosch was cognisant of an explosion that
+made his whole front line quiver; still orders is orders. So the
+Brigade-Major swallowed hard.
+
+"C-can't tell you over the wires. Your G 245/348/24...."
+
+"Yes, yes, we know all about that. Don't say it _definitely_, but give
+us an _idea_. _Where_ is all this noise?"
+
+"Here!--Oh!" piped the B.M. as a crump shook the receiver out of his
+hand.
+
+"Send it in code at once. The G.O.C. is strafing horribly to know."
+
+To encode a message which may be your last words on earth is not the
+easiest of tasks. It has no romance about it. Who would relish
+an obituary such as: "He died like a hero, his last words being
+'XB35/067K'"?
+
+To the ramping of the continuous crump the B.M. scraped away the dirt
+and stuff that had fallen from the throbbing walls of his dug-out
+and fished out the Code-Book. Hurriedly he turned over the pages to
+"Ammunition" and read down the set phrases and their code equivalents.
+Four times he relit the candle. There seemed nothing under this
+heading applicable to the situation. "Send up" was one, but that had
+already been done. "Am/is/are/running short of" was another, but it
+was doubtful if the Division would see the real meaning of it.
+
+"Ah, here we are," he muttered, relighting the candle for the fifth
+time. "Dumps." Alas, there was nothing to convey the situation very
+clearly even under this heading. Finally he picked out the nearest he
+could find and sent it over the wires.
+
+This is what they decoded to the expectant G.O.C. of the Division:
+"_Advanced ammunition depôt has moved_."
+
+The G.O.C. said something which impelled the entire Divisional Staff
+to the telephone, where they all grabbed for the receiver.
+
+"What the devil is this code message? We can't understand it. You've
+sent in something about the dump at your Brigade Headquarters."
+
+"Ah!" said the B.M. meaningly, "there is _not_ a dump at Brigade
+Headquarters now."
+
+"Well, I don't care. We want to know what all this noise is about."
+
+"It's the dump. It's m-moved."
+
+"Moved? Moved where? Give the map reference."
+
+"Map reference?" murmured the B.M. "Oh, my sacred aunt, what fools ...
+I'm sorry" (he smiled at them through his teeth) "I can't give you the
+_m-map_ reference, but I can give you the _area_ roughly."
+
+"Barmy!" was the word he heard spoken to a bystander at the other end.
+
+"Look here, old man," they said kindly, "we know you're all very tired
+and worried, but just try to _think_ a moment. Never mind dumps now.
+You can't be making all that noise moving a dump--what?" (Specimen of
+Divisional joke--very rare.) "Tell us, is the Bosch shelling?"
+
+"No. They've stopped."
+
+"Good. Then it's all over?"
+
+"No. It's still going on."
+
+"But you just said that it had stopped."
+
+"Yes, it has. But the dump hasn't. It keeps m-moving."
+
+"Poor old bird," they said, "his nerve's gone at last. All right,"
+they shouted, "don't you worry. The storeman will look after the dump.
+You go to bed and have a good sleep."
+
+"Have a g-good sleep!" muttered the B.M., "that's just like the
+Divis--Oh!" and he sat down as a torpedo flopped into his bedroom a
+few doors away and made a hole of it.
+
+Then he sat up. The storeman of the Brigade dump was not two hundred
+yards away from the active one. The poor fellow was to have gone on
+leave that night. Presently it occurred to him that, instead of trying
+to decide who should have the reversion of the storeman's leave, it
+would be better to go and see if there really was a vacancy. Fifteen
+boxes of melinite delayed him but a moment. With melinite you know
+the worst at once; it doesn't hang round like boxes of ammunition,
+for instance. He called a clerk and together they raced over to the
+storeman's dug-out.
+
+"Jock!" cried the clerk. "Are ye there, Jock?"
+
+"Is he quite dead?" said the B.M., making up his mind to use his leave
+warrant for himself.
+
+"No, Sir, he's very deaf, that's why he's a storeman. Jo-ock!!"
+
+"Hello!" came from the ground.
+
+"Are ye all right, Jock?"
+
+"Na. There's an awfu' to-do here."
+
+"What's wrong then?"
+
+"Ma candle keeps going oot."
+
+"Are ye all right, though, Jock?"
+
+"Na."
+
+"Well, what's up with ye?"
+
+"I told ye. Ma candle keeps going oot. What's up yon?"
+       *       *       *       *       *
+When the B.M. got back he found a one-sided war in progress on the
+telephone. The G.O.C. had heated up the wires to red-heat.
+
+"Is that you, Nessel? Where the devil have you been? This noise is
+still going on. Tell me what it is. No-dam-nonsense-now. Let's have
+it."
+
+"If you want to know and you don't mind the Bosch hearing what I say,
+Sir, the dump, the French dump, has b-blown itself to b-blazes."
+
+"Why the _devil_ couldn't you say so before?"
+
+Every dog has his day. With a full and fatuous smile the Brigade-Major
+picked up a paper and began: "Reference your G. 245/348/24 of the 29th
+inst. It says that--"
+
+Somebody must have taken a bone away from a dog at the other end. He
+growled horribly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Flapper (shyly)._ "COULD YOU TELL ME WHAT A STAMP
+STUCK ON AT _THAT_ ANGLE MEANS IN THE LANGUAGE OF POSTAGE-STAMPS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an account of the Ministerial crisis in Sweden:--
+
+    "Two imperialist minstrels, however, Von Melsted and
+    Lengquist, did quite enough mischief."--_Daily Mail_.
+
+Members of the pro-German band, no doubt.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Punch desires to record thanks to the innumerable correspondents
+who have drawn his attention to the statement in _The Daily Chronicle_
+that among the German officers who escaped and were afterwards
+recaptured was "Von Thelan, a lieutenant in the lying corps." The
+existence of this unit in the German Army has, as most of them point
+out, been long suspected, but never officially confirmed till now.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Colonel's Daughter_. "WHAT A WONDERFUL VOICE AND
+WHAT A PERFECT ARTIST!"
+
+_The Colonel_. "DON'T THINK MUCH OF HIM! HE'S GOT A POCKET
+UNBUTTONED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TIPS FOR NON-TIPPERS.
+
+    ["If taxi-cab fares are increased it will put a stop to
+    tipping."--_Evening Paper_.]
+
+Only really robust men should refuse to tip the taxi-driver. Many a
+City man has set out in the morning intent on giving no tips and has
+not been heard of afterwards.
+
+To enable timid men to avoid a tip, the police are providing
+taxi-drivers with antiseptic mouthpieces, through which their words
+may be sterilised.
+
+If the driver insists on a tip do not threaten to take his number.
+Just take it and run. If you haven't time for both, just run.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "ALL-WOOL Black Cashmere Stockings, winter weight. 1/111/2
+    and 2/6 per yard." _Advt. in Scotch Paper_.
+
+We had always thought hosiery was sold by the foot.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "On the estate of the late Hon. Lionel Walrond, Uffculme,
+    Devon, Robert James, 97, is felling for the purpose of
+    aeroplane construction aspen trees which he helped to
+    plant 80 years ago."--_The Times_.
+
+Three cheers for Mr. ROBERT JAMES! "For he's a jolly good feller!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BEASTS ROYAL.
+
+II.
+
+CÆSAR'S GIRAFFE. B.C. 46.
+
+  From Egypt, Africa and Gaul
+    CÆSAR his Roman triumph brings:
+    Dark queens and ruddy-bearded kings,
+  And scowling Britons led in thrall,
+    And elephants with silver rings;
+  But oh, more excellent than all,
+    This pensive beast, this mottled beast,
+    From the marshes of the East.
+
+  _Patres conscripti_, hail him now
+    Divine! Through Rome his triumph rolls;
+    Oysters in barrels, pearls in bowls,
+  Chariots and horsemen, moving slow
+    Where purple garlands droop on poles.
+  _Patres conscripti_, crown his brow,
+    Who brought us from the golden East
+    This unimagined peerless beast!
+
+  Never has CÆSAR made our foes
+    Weep more than he has made us laugh;
+    He who divides the world in half
+  With the long shadow of his nose,
+    And bridges oceans with his staff,
+  Brings now, with pomp of vine and rose,
+    This wondering and wondrous beast
+    From the subjugated East.
+
+  In bronze and basalt let us raise
+    The bust of CÆSAR; he has done
+    Great things for Rome; but here is one
+  Above the rest, o'ertopping praise.
+    The elephants and kings are gone,
+  But still the roaring tumult sways--
+    Much for the Conqueror of the East,
+    More for the incomparable beast.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN INVOLUNTARY RAID.
+
+Life in a convalescent hospital for officers is not one continuous
+round of gaiety, but it has its incidents for all that.
+
+The other day Sister took Haynes, Ansell and myself to have tea with
+some people in the neighbouring village of Little Budford. We were
+waiting in the hall for the car when Seymour came along. Seymour is an
+adjutant when he is not at home, and he likes to see things done with
+proper military precision.
+
+"Here," he said, "you can't go off casually like that. Fall in,
+tea-party."
+
+We fell in, and he went to the smoking-room and woke Major Stanley.
+
+"Party for tea ready for inspection, Sir," he reported.
+
+"Who? What? Where?" asked the Major confusedly. "Good Lord, you young
+idiot, what a scare you gave me! Thought I was back in France for a
+moment. Where's this party paraded?"
+
+"Hout in the 'all, Sir." Seymour led him to where we were standing at
+ease.
+
+"Party!" he roared. "Shunsuwere!" We gave two convulsive jerks.
+"Smarten up there, smarten HUP! Get a move on! This ain't a waxwork.
+Shunsuwere!... Shun!! Party present, Sir."
+
+The Major inspected us.
+
+"I don't like this smear, Sergeant," he said, pointing to Ansell's
+upper lip.
+
+Seymour examined the feature in question.
+
+"It don't appear to be dirt, Sir. Some sort o' growth, I think. You
+try sand-papering it, me lad, an' you'll find it come orf all right."
+
+"Very good, Sergeant," answered Ansell solemnly.
+
+The Major proceeded to Haynes, and eyed him with disfavour.
+
+"We can't do nothing with this man, Sir," said Seymour deprecatingly.
+"'Is legs is that bandy."
+
+"What do you mean, Private Haynes, by appearing on ceremonial parade
+with a pair of bandy legs?"
+
+"It wasn't my fault, Sir. 'Strewth, it wasn't. They got wet, Sir, an'
+I went an' dried 'em at the cook'ouse fire, Sir, an' they got warped,
+Sir."
+
+"Well," said the Major, "don't bring 'em on parade again. Tell your
+Q.M.S. I say you're to have a new pair."
+
+"Very good, Sir."
+
+The Major passed on to me, and surveyed my left arm more in anger than
+in sorrow.
+
+"Why has this man got his blue band fastened on with pins?" he
+demanded. "Why isn't it sewn on? Why hasn't he fastened it on with
+elastic? D'you hear me? Are you deaf? Why isn't it sewn on? Why don't
+you speak?"
+
+"Please, Sir...."
+
+"Don't answer me back! Sergeant, take this man's name. He is insolent.
+Take his name for insolence. You are insolent, Sir. You're a disgrace
+to the Army. You're a ..."
+
+"If you've quite finished with my squad, Major," put in Sister in a
+quiet voice from the door, "the car is here, and we're late already. I
+shall have to push a bit."
+
+I promptly made for the seat beside the driver, explaining that I
+wanted to see the speedometer burst. Sister does a good many things,
+and does most of them well; but her particular accomplishment is
+her motor-driving. After my experiences in different cars at the
+Front--especially those driven by Frenchmen--I thought at first that
+motoring had no new thrills to offer me; but when Sister takes corners
+I still clutch at anything handy.
+
+Surrey began to stream past us. The landscape was extremely beautiful,
+but only the more distant parts of it were visible except as a mere
+blur. After five or six miles we turned into a long straight stretch
+of road.
+
+"The Hepworths live somewhere along this," said Sister. "There's a
+lovely sunken garden just in front of the house which I want you to
+notice. Hallo! here we are; I thought it was further on."
+
+The car whizzed round and through a drive gateway half hidden in
+trees. When I opened my eyes again I looked for the sunken garden; but
+except for a few very prim-looking flower-beds the grounds in front of
+the house consisted entirely of a lawn, round which the drive took a
+broad circular sweep.
+
+"It must be the wrong house," said Sister, and without pausing an
+instant in our centrifugal career we rushed round the complete circle
+and disappeared through the gate as suddenly as we had come. As we
+passed the house I had a fleeting glimpse of an old, hard-featured and
+furious female face glaring at us from one of the windows.
+
+On the road we stopped the car so as to regain some measure of gravity
+before presenting ourselves at our real destination--next house--but
+were still rather hysterical when we arrived.
+
+"You'll hear more of this," said our hostess, when we had reported our
+raid. "Old Miss Mendip lives there--a regular tartar; all kinds of
+views; writes to the papers."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In a subsequent issue of the local weekly we found the following:--
+
+    _To the Editor of "The Inshot Times, Great and Little
+    Budford Chronicle and Home Counties Advertiser_."
+
+SIR,--Even in _war-time_, when one cannot call our souls our own,
+we may surely expect the privacy of individuals and the rights of
+property to receive _some_ respect. An Englishman's home is still
+his castle, though the debased morals and decayed manners of modern
+_Society_ (?) seem to blind its members to the fact.
+
+I wish to give publicity in your pages to a disgraceful _outrage_
+of which I have been made the victim. On Tuesday last I was rudely
+awakened from my afternoon rest by the sound of a large motor-car.
+As I did not expect visitors I proceeded to the window in order
+to discover to what the _intrusion_ might be due. What was my
+_astonishment_ to discover that the vehicle contained a party of four
+_perfect strangers_. Three of them, I regret to state, were wounded
+officers; they were being driven by one of the modern games-playing
+cigarette-smoking young women to whom the old-fashioned word "_lady_"
+seems so _singularly_ inapplicable. Their sole object in entering
+appeared to be the perpetration of a senseless practical _joke_, for
+after _careering_ round my garden at a pace which I can only describe
+as _unwomanly_, they went off by the way they had come.
+
+My gardener, who witnessed the incident, tells me that on reaching
+the road they stopped the vehicle and celebrated the success of their
+inane efforts by _shrieking_ with that unrestrained mirth which jars
+so painfully on refined ears.
+
+Can _nothing_ be done?
+
+I am, Sir, Yours faithfully,
+
+LYDIA MENDIP.
+
+_Manor Lodge, Little Budford_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Orderly Officer_. "HOW MANY HORSES ARE HERE, PICKET?"
+
+_Picket (a little fed-up)_. "ER--HORSE LINE, 'SHUN! FROM THE
+RIGHT--NUMBER!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FOOD SHORTAGE IN GERMANY.
+
+    "While the horse doeuvres were being served, the Kaiser, etc."
+
+At the Imperial table, it will be observed, they put the horse before
+the _carte_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "He held several Court appointments, including those of Keeper of
+    the Privy PuPrse to the Prince"--_The Star_.
+
+It is not every Keeper of the Privy Purse who thus manages to double
+the initial capital.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE P.-P.-D.
+
+Henry is in the War Office, where he takes a hand in the Direction of
+Military Aeronautics. To meet him you might almost think that Military
+Aeronautics was a one-man show. He has, at any rate in the eyes of the
+layman, an encyclopædic knowledge of aircraft and all appertaining
+thereto. When he is out for a walk on Sunday with his wife and
+daughter, and a British aeroplane passes over them with the usual
+fascinating roar, Henry is very superior. Mummy (who is of coarse
+clay) and Betty (aged 11/2, and coarser still) are frankly excited
+every time.
+
+"Look at the pretty airship!" says Mummy.
+
+"Oo-ah!" says Betty.
+
+"B. E. 4 X.," snaps Henry, without looking at it.
+       *       *       *       *       *
+Or rather this is what Henry used to do; but now things are different.
+It was Betty who, so to speak, brought him down to earth again.
+He had great ambitions for Betty, whom he fondly believed to be
+possessed of intelligence above the lot of woman, and he always
+laboured prodigiously to advance her education. Betty took to it
+philosophically, however, and refused to be hurried; and Henry almost
+despaired of getting her beyond two syllables. The "Common Objects
+of the Farmyard" were rapidly assimilated, and all the world of
+mechanical traction was comprehended in the generic "puff-puff." But
+Henry wouldn't be satisfied with this very creditable repertoire. "Out
+of respect for her father, if for no other reason," he would insist,
+"she _must_ learn to say 'aeroplane.'"
+
+"How ridiculous!" said Mummy, who always called them "airships," to
+annoy Henry; "and anyhow it's no use going on at her; she never will
+say things to order. If you'll only leave her alone for a bit she'll
+probably say it, and then your sordid ambition will be gratified."
+
+But Henry cared for none of these things, and when Sunday came, and
+with it Sunday's promenade and Sunday's aeroplane, he went at it as
+hard as ever.
+
+"Say 'air-ye-play,'" he commanded, as the pram was brought to a
+standstill and the droning monster passed overhead.
+
+Betty gazed raptly at the entrancing thing. Then suddenly she raised a
+fat hand and pointed. "Oo-ah!" she said, "puff-puff-dicky!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+And nowadays Henry's omniscience is decently obscured under a
+capacious bushel. If you meet an aeroplane when you are walking with
+him and ask humbly for his verdict thereon, in the expectation of an
+explosion of clipped technical jargon, he will stop and study its
+outline with great attention, and will eventually inform you, to your
+respectful mystification, that it is a "P.-P.-D." Thereafter he will
+chuckle most unofficially.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady_. "WELL, MRS. GUBBINS, WHAT IS THE WEATHER GOING
+TO BE TO-DAY?"
+
+_Charwoman_. "OH, I DON'T KNOW, MUM. I'M NOT MUCH OF A WEATHERCOCK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE SEX PROBLEMS.
+
+    "Wanted, a Blue Bull (Nilgai or Rojh). Apply, stating sex,
+    age, height and price."--_Pioneer_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a German _communiqué_:--
+
+    "On the eastern bank of the Mouse desperate fishing
+    continues."--_Edinburgh Evening Paper_.
+
+And the Bosch has caught more than he bargained for.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the report of the meeting, in London, of the Executive Committee
+of the National Farmers' Union:--
+
+    "Farmers had hundreds of acres of grass which they were willing
+    to turn into meat, but were prevented from doing so."
+
+Mr. Punch thinks that the difficulty might be overcome if the meat
+were turned into the grass.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE H.Q. TOUCH.
+
+  Command Headquarters (who, of course,
+  Ride us as Cockneys ride a horse--
+  I mean, without considering
+  The animal; the ride's the thing)
+  On Army Form--I cannot think
+  Precisely which; the form was pink--
+  Instructed Captain So-and-so,
+  With certain other ranks, to go
+  And at a given hour report,
+  With rifles, such-and-such a sort,
+  So many rounds of S.A.A.
+  Per man, and so much oats and hay
+  Per horse (as specified and charged
+  On War Establishments, enlarged,
+  Revised and issued as amended);
+  And here the said instruction ended,
+  "Signed, Eustace Blank, G.S.O.3,
+  For D.A.Q.A.M.A.G."
+    The reason why the form was thus
+  Truncated was--alas for us!--
+  That Major Blank, a hasty man,
+  Neglected his accustomed plan
+  And failed, in short, to P.T.O.,
+  So never told us where to go.
+
+    We drafted a polite reply:--
+  "Your such a number, Fourth July;
+  Instructions touching destination
+  Requested, please, for information."
+  And Captain So-and-So and men
+  Donned and inspected kits.
+                             And then
+  Command Headquarters went and wired:
+  "The draft in question not required.
+  When any draft is _wanted_ you
+  Will hear _precisely_ what to do;
+  No error ever passes through
+  This office. You will therefore not
+  In future tell US what is what;
+  WE know; and WE are on the spot.
+  The G.O.C.-in-C. is much
+  Displeased."
+              The old Headquarters' touch.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR SPOILT PETS.
+
+    "Cottage, suitable for pigs and poultry."--_Birmingham
+    Daily Mail_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "SUSAN'S PUDDING.--This is a super-excellent pudding, and,
+    as times go, the cost of the material used is not excessive.
+    Required: One cup each of flour, breadcrumbs, raisins (stoned
+    and chopped), currants (washed and dried), also a teacupful
+    of baking powder.... If served only on occasion--a special
+    occasion--the most scrupulously careful housewife should not
+    be troubled by uneasy sensations."--_Bristol Times and Mirror_.
+
+We should--after a teacupful of baking powder.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BELGIAN "MENACE."
+
+KAISER. "IF I GRANT YOU MY GRACIOUS PARDON, WILL YOU PROMISE NOT
+TO TERRORISE ME AGAIN?"
+
+{"Belgium would be required to give a guarantee that any such
+menace as that which threatened Germany in 1914 would in future be
+excluded."--_German Foreign Secretary to Papal Nuncio at Munich_.}]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAID JOTTINGS.
+
+A good deal of dissatisfaction is expressed with the state of the
+cellars to which people have been invited during the raids. "Surely,"
+writes one of our correspondents, "it is a scandal that, at this time
+in the world's history, some cellars should be totally destitute
+of wine. That there should be no coal in the coal-cellars is
+understandable enough; but to ask the timid public into empty wine
+cellars is a travesty of hospitality."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Every effort will be made when the House reassembles to provide
+separate cellars for the SPEAKER and Mr. PEMBERTON BILLING.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. JIMMY WILDE, the Welsh boxer, it has been widely announced, had a
+marvellous escape from an air-bomb. The little champion (for once not
+in a position to hit back) was standing in the door of his hotel when
+the projectile dropped, and blew him along the passage, but inflicted
+no injuries. The world will therefore hear from Mr. WILDE again, whose
+future antagonists should view with a shudder this inability of the
+Gothas to knock him out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. WILDE is, however, not alone in his good fortune. From all the
+bombarded parts, and from some others, come news of remarkable pieces
+of good luck, due almost or wholly to the fact that the bombs fell on
+spots where our correspondents were not standing, although they might
+easily have been there had they not been elsewhere. The similarity of
+their experience is indeed most striking.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE, for example, who disapproves of soldiers laughing,
+happened to be in the country on the night of the 24th. Had he been
+in town he might, in a melancholy reverie caused by the incorrigible
+light-heartedness of his fellow-countrymen, have wandered bang into
+the danger zone. No one can be too thankful that he did not.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sir HENRY WOOD'S project to play TCHAIKOVSKY'S "1812" in such
+perfect time that the audience will have the pleasure of hearing our
+anti-aircraft men supply the big-gun effects, although laudable, is,
+it is feared, doomed to failure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There was no air raid over London on Wednesday the 26th. The sudden
+noise (which happily produced no panic) in His Majesty's Theatre was
+merely Miss LILY BRAYTON dropping the clothes she was not wearing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CONSTANT RAIDER writes:--"It is understood that the German
+airmen's motto--borrowed, without acknowledgment, from the dental
+profession--is 'We spare no panes.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In view of recent events Miss TENNYSON JESSE is considering whether
+her new novel, _Secret Bread_, should be renamed _Air-raided Bread_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. CHARLES COCHRAN is very anxious that it should be known that not a
+single bomb hit him. Had any of them done so, the consequences might
+have been very serious. This happy immunity being his, he wishes it
+also to be known that his various and meritorious theatres are doing
+even more astonishing business than before.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. COCHRAN, however, together with other theatrical managers, has a
+dangerous rival. The raids are threatening to ruin the matinées now so
+prevalent by setting up counter attractions. The thousands of people
+(not only errand-boys) who now stand all day to watch the workmen mend
+a hole in the roadway caused by a bomb would otherwise, but for this
+engrossing and never tedious spectacle, be in this theatre or that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. HALL CAINE telegraphs from the Isle of Man that no bombs having
+fallen there he remains intact.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "GOOD NEWS, LADS; WE'VE GOT A CHANGE FER TEA TO-NIGHT."
+"WHAT IS IT?" "ROUND BISCUITS INSTEAD O' SQUARE ONES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE IDEAL LODGER.
+
+    "Wanted, two Single Rooms, in private or boarding house; special
+    arrangements for constant absence."--_Australian Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTERS OF A GENERAL TO HIS SON
+
+(_ON OBTAINING A JUNIOR STAFF APPOINTMENT_).
+
+MY DEAR BOY,--We both congratulate you heartily on your appointment.
+Acting on your suggestion, I have hinted to your mother that her
+anxieties for your safety may be considerably lessened in consequence.
+You will, of course, continue to address letters likely to cause her
+any apprehension to my club. On entering this new phase of your career
+you will not take it amiss if I offer you a few words of practical
+advice:--
+
+1. Do not neglect your advantages. Always visit the line with a double
+mission, one for the right of the line and one for the left--and see
+which they are shelling.
+
+2. If they are strafing all along the line, inspect Transport.
+
+3. Cultivate the detached manner when dealing with all but the very
+senior. This will give you what is called distinction. Charm will come
+later.
+
+4. What you don't know, guess. If wrong, guess again.
+
+5. Always put off on to others what you cannot do yourself.
+
+6. What little you do, do well--and see that it gets talked about.
+Medals are going round, and you may as well have them as anybody else.
+
+7. Belong to a good Mess and invite people who are inclined to
+criticise.
+
+8. When rung up on a subject of which you know nothing, learn
+to conduct the conversation so that you abstract the necessary
+enlightenment from the questioner himself (while appearing to be
+perfectly conversant with what he is talking about), and, if possible,
+get him to suggest the answer to his own conundrum. In other words,
+bluff as in poker (which I trust you don't play).
+
+These are just a few little hints that have occurred to me. Your own
+good sense will guide you as to the rest. Everybody at home is taking
+a tremendous interest in the War, I'm glad to say. Hardly a day passes
+but I am asked at least a dozen times when it is going to be over.
+
+Your affectionate Father, etc., etc.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an order recently issued at the Front:
+
+    "Great care must always be exercised in tethering horses to
+    trees, as they are apt to bark, and thereby destroy the trees."
+
+Wow, wow!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PERFECT LIFE.
+
+"YES, GAFFER. ME AN' MY OLE WOMAN 'ERE 'AVE LIVED TOGETHER THESE
+FORTY YEAR, AN' NEVER 'AD A QUARREL--FORTY YEAR, MIND YER, AN'
+NEVER BIN BEFORE THE MAGISTRATE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIGNS OF INNS.
+
+  The Herald lives in cloister grey;
+    He lives by clerkly rules;
+  He dreams in coats and colours gay,
+    In _argent_, _or_ and _gules_;
+  He blazons knightly shield and banner
+    In dim monastic hall,
+  And in a grave and reverend manner
+    He earns his bread withal.
+
+  Were I a herald fair and fit
+    So featly for to limn
+  As though I'd learnt the lore of it
+    Among the seraphim,
+  I'd leave the schools to clerkly people
+    And walk, as dawn begins,
+  From steeple unto distant steeple,
+    And paint the signs of inns.
+
+  _The Dragon_, as I'd see him, is
+    A loving beast and long,
+  And oh, the _Goat and Compasses_,
+    'Twould fill my soul with song;
+  _The Bell_, _The Bull_, _The Rose and Rummer_,
+    Such themes should like me still
+  At Yule, or when the heart of Summer
+    Lies blue on vale and hill.
+
+  Let others' blazonry find place
+    Supported, scrolled with gold,
+  A glowing dignity and grace
+    On honoured walls and old;
+  And let it likewise be attended
+    In stately circumstance
+  With mottos writ o' Latin splendid
+    Or courtly words of France;
+
+  But I would paint _The Golden Tun_
+    And others to my mind,
+  And mellow them in rain and sun,
+    And hang them on the wind;
+  And I would say, "My handcraft creaking
+    On this autumnal gale
+  Unto all wayfarers is speaking
+    In praise of rest and ale."
+
+  Then bless the man who puts a sign
+    Above his wide door's beam,
+  And bless the hop-root, fruit and vine,
+    For still I dream my dream,
+  Where, as the flushing East turns pinker
+    And tardy day begins,
+  I take the road like any tinker
+    And paint the signs of inns.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "INSTANT DEMAND FOR WARNINGS.
+
+    "MAYORS OF LONDON MOVING."
+
+    _Evening News_.
+
+They ought to set a better example.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Certain people seem to have misread the statement last week
+    that flour would be reduced 1s. 11/2d. that flour would be
+    reduced to 1s. 11/2d. but that that that flour would be reduced
+    to 1s. 111/2d. but that amount or somewhere about it would be
+    taken off the former price."--_Rossendale Free Press_.
+
+There ought to be no misunderstanding after this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At such close quarters were attackers and attacked that to
+    have used grenades would manifestly have been equally dangerous
+    to both. So, after a brief pause to collect the means, our men
+    began to pelt the Huns with bottles filled with water. Apparently
+    the enemy thought this was some new form of 'frightfulness,'
+    for they speedily threw down their arms and tossed up their
+    hands."--_Daily Telegraph_.
+
+Our contemporary, while rightly applauding the resourcefulness of our
+bombers, might have given the Germans credit for their remarkable feat
+of acrobacy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR SERVICES RENDERED.
+
+If ever, in a railing mood, I have unjustly aspersed the Army; if,
+by reason of deferred pay, over-diluted stew, or leave adjourned, I
+have accused the Powers That Be of a step-motherly indifference to
+my welfare, I hereby withdraw unreservedly all such aspersions and
+accusations. For since my discharge tokens of kindly interest and
+affection have reached me in such rapid succession that I am kept
+wondering what the next will be. With a quarter of a million men in
+his care (as I suppose, since my number was 256801), my fatherly
+Record Officer has yet time for frequent correspondence with "crocks"
+like me. He registers all his letters; he makes his instructions so
+plain that a very suckling might understand them; he takes every
+precaution lest, in the press of business, I should be overlooked.
+
+I had been at home about a week when his first communication
+arrived--an unexpected windfall purporting to represent the balance of
+my pay and allowances. The method of computation would probably have
+transcended my intelligence if it had been indicated; but there was no
+attempt at explanation, nor did I desire it. I stamped and signed the
+receipt form according to unmistakable directions, and returned it to
+Headquarters. A few days later certain arrears of Separation Allowance
+came to hand--arrears whose existence our own unaided sagacity would
+never have revealed. Guided by an illustrative diagram we signed
+the receipt in due form and returned it. Before we had ceased
+congratulating ourselves on these accessions, yet another instalment
+of pay was delivered, with form of receipt as in the previous case.
+We were almost convinced that the country cottage and the leisured
+ease of our dreams were within our grasp, but the well ran dry at
+that point. Some of my balance may yet lurk in the coffers of the
+Paymaster, but I dare not throw off the yoke of my bondage on the
+strength of a bare possibility.
+
+After a brief interval, Records returned to the charge with a bulky
+envelope containing matter of great interest. One of the enclosures
+certified that, for the term of three months, I was transferred to
+Class W.P., Army Reserve. I made various conjectures as to the meaning
+of "W," and so did Cinderella. On the whole we favoured "Warrior,"
+but perhaps we were wrong. At all events, the interpretation of "P"
+was clearly set forth by another document, which explained that I was
+entitled to a pension of eight shillings and threepence per week so
+long as I remained among the happy W.P.'s. There was also an identity
+certificate, whereon some clergyman, magistrate or policeman must
+attest that I was alive when I brought it to him, and a form of
+receipt for all the papers in the batch. I signed it according to
+instructions and returned it to Headquarters.
+
+The identity certificate went back to a specified address, where
+it set in motion machinery by which my pension paper was presently
+delivered to me--accompanied by a form of receipt. This paper was
+covered with mystic circles, whose meaning I discovered when I
+presented myself at the post-office. They were apparently intended to
+appease the presiding divinity by gratifying her passion for stamping
+things. She hit my paper accurately in four of its rings, and then,
+with a pleased smile, handed me thirty-three shillings.
+
+Meanwhile Records had stirred up a benevolent neighbour to call upon
+me. He belonged to an organisation for assisting discharged soldiers;
+he was Opportunity in person for anyone who might need him; but,
+as Cinderella explained, I was at that moment engaged upon work of
+national importance and could not claim his help. Nevertheless she
+thanked the gentleman and placed the incident to the credit of the
+Powers That Be.
+
+No acknowledgment was required for this visit; but a week later my war
+services' badge was delivered per registered post, and I confessed the
+fact both on the usual green slip and on the form of receipt which was
+enclosed. Henceforth I was able to appear in public with an outward
+and visible sign of the ferocity which underlies my demeanour, and my
+most lurid tales had a substantial witness.
+
+Two months went by, during which the O. i/c Records made no further
+additions to our postbag. There are mornings when your friends appear
+to have forgotten you, when a Levitical postman bangs your neighbour's
+gate mockingly and forthwith crosses the street. On such mornings
+our thoughts may have turned to Records with a certain yearning; but
+mainly we felt his care like the air about us, and had no need that it
+should materialise in idle correspondence.
+
+At last my term of probation came to an end. In response to a
+note from Records (with form for receipt) I returned my Transfer
+Certificate and received in its place my final Discharge Papers--with
+a form for receipt. At the same time I heard that the Commissioners
+were in earnest consultation as to the continuance of my pension.
+
+Thus goodness and loving-kindness have followed me ever since I handed
+in the uniform. To this day I am the subject of anxious consideration.
+Not a week ago the early post brought me my character. Imagine the
+incessant parental watchfulness of an authority which can testify
+concerning one two hundred and fifty thousandth of its charge that
+he is "a good soldier, willing and industrious, honest, sober,
+trustworthy and well-conducted." Think of the kindly interest which
+prompted the O. i/c Records to insert a form of receipt--"to guard
+against impersonation." My character might have got into base hands;
+some unworthy person might have gone about professing to possess that
+willingness, that industry, that sobriety, that trustworthiness and
+that elegance of conduct which are mine alone; but the form of receipt
+would baffle him. I cannot explain how, but Records knows.
+
+What is yet in store for me the future bides; but this I know: while
+England endures and Records continues to record, I shall not walk
+alone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady farm-help, being shown her new duties, notices
+fowls having dust-bath._ "DEAR ME! I EXPECT THEY'LL WANT WASHING EVERY
+NIGHT BEFORE I PUT THEM TO ROOST. I'D NO IDEA FOWLS WERE SUCH DIRTY
+THINGS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Aunty (wishing to be sympathetic)_. "I'M GLAD TO HEAR
+YOU'VE GOT YOUR SEA-LEGS, JACK, AND I HOPE YOUR FRIEND IS GETTING ON
+EQUALLY WELL AND HAS GOT HIS TRENCH-FEET."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PURE ENGLISH.
+
+    [A writer in _The Daily Express_ has been discussing the
+    questions where and by whom the purest English is spoken
+    and written, and pronounces strongly in favour of East
+    Anglia, FITZGERALD, BORROW and Mr. CONRAD.]
+
+      Once more 'tis discussed
+      What guides we should trust
+  If we wish to write prose to perfection;
+      Is it BORROW or "FITZ,"
+      _The Times_ or _Tit Bits_?
+  And how should we make our selection?
+
+      Once on NEWMAN and FROUDE
+      We were bidden to brood
+  If we aimed at distinction and purity;
+      And, when we escaped
+      From their influence, aped
+  GEORGE MEREDITH'S vivid obscurity.
+
+      The remarkable style
+      Of old THOMAS CARLYLE
+  Found many a lover and hater;
+      And precious young men
+      Who made play with the pen
+  Were devoted disciples of PATER.
+
+      But these idols we've burned
+      And have latterly learned
+  That "distinction"'s an utter delusion;
+      For if you would aim
+      At a popular fame
+  You must cultivate "vim" or effusion.
+
+      JOSEPH CONRAD (a Pole)
+      Some place on the whole
+  At the top of the tree for his diction;
+      But his style, I opine,
+      Is a little too fine
+  For the average reader of fiction.
+
+      If you can't be a WELLS,
+      Or aspire to Miss DELL'S
+  Impassioned and fervid variety,
+      You still may attain
+      To CHARLES GARVICE'S strain
+  And leaven Romance with propriety.
+
+      For democracy shies
+      At the artist who tries
+  To express himself subtly or darkly;
+      And the man in the street
+      In a fair plébiscite
+  Would probably crown Mrs. BARCLAY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from a sermon:--
+
+    "We meet here to-day under circumstances which are not
+    ordinary ... We seem to hear 'the sound of a gong in
+    the tops of the mulberry trees.'"--_The Record_.
+
+This must be some air-raid warning by the rural police.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "On the roads near by 'a Verdun' signposts have been
+    replaced by new ones reading 'A Glorieux Verdun.' The
+    name of France herself might well be altered to
+    'Glorieux France.'"--_Canadian Paper_.
+
+_Vive le France!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a report of the British Cotton-growing Association:--
+
+    "The negotiations with the Government for the development
+    of the irritation scheme for the Gezira plain are still
+    under consideration."--_The Field_.
+
+We trust we shall hear no more of this vexatious project.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  A lodging-house keeper at Whitby
+  Saw a couple of Zeppelins flit by;
+    Though she felt a sharp sting,
+    It's a curious thing
+  That she never knew which she was hit by.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "War conditions have given occasion in Germany for the study
+    of an oedema disease (swelling) unknown in peace times. Among
+    the civil population it has been generally located in the feet
+    and legs, and in more than one-half of the cases studied some
+    degree of facial swelling was present."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+This last symptom is especially noticeable in the case of the KAISER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Prior to the meeting [of the Irish Convention] in Cork the
+    members of the secretariat attended in Sir Horace Plunkett's
+    private room, and presented him with a solid ivory chairman's
+    mantle."--_Dublin Evening Mail_.
+
+But we are glad to state that the proceedings were quite orderly, and
+that the Chairman did not need this protective garment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOING BACK.
+
+"In these days," I began, but Francesca interrupted me.
+
+"When anyone starts like that," she said, "I know he's going to make
+the War an excuse for doing something rather more paltry than usual."
+
+"'Paltry' is not," I said, "a very nice word."
+
+"I'll take the phrase back and substitute 'rather less noble and
+generous.'"
+
+"Yes, I like that better. I'll pass it in that form as your comment on
+what you haven't yet allowed me to say."
+
+"Quick," she said; "what was it? Don't leave me in suspense."
+
+"In these days," I said, "one mustn't spend too much on railway
+companies."
+
+"True," she said. "I'm with you there in these or any other days."
+
+"And therefore," I continued, "it will be quite enough if one of us
+accompanies Frederick, our lively ten-year-old, to begin his second
+term at school. There is no necessity whatever for both of us to go
+with him."
+
+"Hear, hear!" said Francesca; "your idea is better than I thought. I
+will go with Frederick and you can stay at home and look after the
+girls."
+
+"No," I said firmly, "I will take Frederick, and you must remain
+behind and keep an eye on Muriel, Nina and Alice."
+
+"No," she said.
+
+"Yes," I said; "my eye's not good enough for the job; it hasn't been
+trained for it. I should be sure to mislay one of the girls, and then
+you'd never forgive yourself for having put upon me a burden greater
+than I could bear. Besides," I added, "goings back to school are in
+the man's department, with football, cricket, boxing and things of
+that kind."
+
+"And what," she said scornfully, "are you graciously pleased to leave
+in my department?"
+
+"Oh, I thought you knew. I leave to you table-manners, tidiness
+(that's a tough one), hand-washing (that's a tougher), reading aloud
+from Kipling and tucking him up in bed."
+
+"Quite a good list, if by no means a complete one; but in these days
+one mustn't be too critical. Anyhow it proves that I must take the boy
+back to school."
+
+"It proves just the contrary."
+
+"No," she said, "it proves what ought to be there by leaving it out."
+
+"That," I said, "is a record even for you, Francesca."
+
+"Well, it's logical anyway. How, for instance, could you talk to
+the Matron? You'd be utterly lost before you'd been at it for half
+a minute."
+
+"Don't you worry about that," I said. "I have accomplishments of which
+you don't seem to be aware, and one of them is talking to Matrons at
+preparatory schools."
+
+"Anyhow, you're not going to have a chance of showing it off this
+time, _because I am going to take the boy back to school_. That's
+final."
+
+It was, and in due time Francesca took the boy back. Her account of
+the farewell moments was not without a certain amount of pathos,
+several other mothers and their boys being involved in the valedictory
+scene. Four or five days afterwards, however, we received the
+following letter, which put to flight any idea that Frederick might be
+pining:--
+
+"I am very happy this term, and I am getting on fairly well in my
+work. I like football much better than cricket. I have three or four
+times just not got a goal, once it was when I kicked into goal the
+goalkeeper (3 st. 4 lb.!) rushed out and kicked it away, and once when
+we were playing Blues and Reds, and I was on the Blue side, and I
+managed by good luck to get through a crowd of shouting Reds and
+followed it up amidst shouts from the Blues and shot it to the Red
+goal; but the goalkeeper (a different one) came out and hit it away,
+at which I twisted my knee and collapsed (not with pain, because it
+wasn't anything, but with anger and _desparation!_) Am I to learn
+boxing this term? I am sorry to hear the hens are not behaving well."
+
+I should like to have seen the bold goalkeeper of 3 st. 4 lb. It is a
+proud weight.
+
+R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+YESTERDAY IN OXFORD STREET.
+
+  Yesterday in Oxford Street, oh, what d'you think, my dears?
+  I had the most exciting time I've had for years and years;
+  The buildings looked so straight and tall, the sky was blue between,
+  And, riding on a motor-bus, I saw the fairy queen!
+
+  Sitting there upon the rail and bobbing up and down,
+  The sun was shining on her wings and on her golden crown;
+  And looking at the shops she was, the pretty silks and lace--
+  She seemed to think that Oxford Street was quite a lovely place.
+
+  And once she turned and looked at me and waved her little hand,
+  But I could only glare and stare, oh, would she understand?
+  I simply couldn't speak at all, I simply couldn't stir,
+  And all the rest of Oxford Street was just a shining blur.
+
+  Then suddenly she shook her wings--a bird had fluttered by--
+  And down into the street she looked and up into the sky,
+  And perching on the railing on a tiny fairy toe
+  She flashed away so quickly that I hardly saw her go.
+
+  I never saw her any more, although I looked all day;
+  Perhaps she only came to peep and never meant to stay;
+  But oh, my dears, just think of it, just think what luck for me
+  That she should come to Oxford Street and I be there to see!
+
+R. F.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LIGHT ON THE SITUATION.
+
+    "Dr. Michaelis is the trusted no-hold-out until their plans
+    of annexation have been carried out, and they always receive
+    a gracious telegram in reply. So he who cares to hear knows
+    what the hour is striking."--_Egyptian Mail_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOURNALISTIC HUMILITY.
+
+    "Two years ago The Daily Mail begged our sluggish authorities
+    to study the question of daylight air-raids as well as night
+    attacks. We pointed out their risk; we asked that the best
+    means of meeting them should be considered and the best method
+    of warning the public investigated. The result was that nothing
+    was done."--_Daily Mail_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Of old was it written that they who taketh up the sword shall
+    perish by the sword, and the written word remaineth."--_The
+    Daily Mirror_.
+
+But it hath been a little damaged in the interval.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It may be estimated the Germans opposing our troops represented
+    an average concentration of more than four men to every yard of
+    front."--_Liverpool Echo_.
+
+Never could it have been done with four pre-war Germans!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Up to July 26 1,559 lists had been issued officially of German
+    casualties. Each list contained 19,802 pages of three columns
+    per page, and each column contained between 80 and 90 names of
+    dead, wounded, and missing officers and men--a total of nearly
+    6,000,000."--_Daily Sketch_.
+
+We trust our spirited contemporary has not joined the Hide-the-Truth
+Press, for we make the sum approximately 7,872,186,090.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Gentleman (to father of conscientious
+objector)._ "BUT SUPPOSING A GERMAN WAS GOING FOR YOUR SON WITH A
+BAYONET--WOULDN'T HE GO FOR THE GERMAN?"
+
+_Father of C.O._ "AY! I DOUBT HE'D SAY SUMMAT. 'E'S GOT A SHARP TONGUE
+WHEN 'E'S VEXED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS_.)
+
+I think I prefer Mr. WELLS'S recent essay in the Newest Theology to
+this too concrete illustration of _The Soul of a Bishop_ (CASSELL).
+It's not that I object to the irreverence of stripping a poor tired
+bishop of cassock and gaiters, pursuing him to a sleepless bed and
+cinematographing all his physical twistings and turnings, his moral
+misgivings, his torturing doubts. I owe too much to Mr. WELLS'
+irreverences to mind that sort of thing; and I must say that, for a
+man who can't have had very much to do with the episcopacy in his
+busy life, he does manage to give a confoundedly plausible atmosphere
+to the whole setting. There are two letters from an older bishop to
+_Dr. Scrope_, the one, yieldingly tolerant, to dissuade him from
+resignation, the other, written after the accomplished fact, with
+touches of exquisitely restrained yet palpable malice, which strike
+me as masterly projections. Mr. WELLS also contrives a wonderful
+impressiveness in certain passages of the bishop's three visions. But
+I can't, even after careful re-reading, see the point of making the
+bishop's enlightenment depend upon a mysterious drug. This has an
+effect of impishness. There is nothing in _Dr. Scrope's_ development
+that might not have taken place without this fantastic assistance....
+I suppose the general suggestion of this rather wayward and hasty but
+conspicuously sincere book is, that if only an occasional bishop would
+secede it would make it easier for the plain man to listen to the
+rest. And there may be something in this.
+
+To those who are in love with Mr. W.J. LOCKE'S incurable romanticism
+or who have a taste for heroines that "stiffen in a sudden stroke
+of passion looking for the instant electrically beautiful," let me
+commend _The Red Planet_ (LANE). As a matter of fact _Betty_, the
+heroine, is quite a dear, and the narrator, _Major Meredyth_, a maimed
+hero of the Boer War, who looks at this one from the tragic angle of
+an invalid chair, is, apart from a habit of petulant and not very
+profound grousing at Governments in _The Daily Rail_ manner, a sport
+who thoroughly deserves the reward of poor widowed _Betty's_ hand
+on the last page but one. Perhaps he does not show a very ready
+understanding of the phenomenon of physical cowardice in the case of a
+brother-officer, though later he makes amends. But I take it that it
+was Mr. LOCKE'S idea to present a very ordinary decent sort with the
+common man's prejudices and frank distrust of subtleties. A sinister
+mystery of love, death and blackmail runs, a turbid undercurrent,
+through the story. The publisher's pathetic apology for the drab grey
+paper on which, in the interests of War Economy, the book is printed,
+makes one wonder how the other publishers who still issue books in
+black and white manage to live.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Of the literary reputations that the War has, so to speak, dug in, I
+suppose none to be more firmly consolidated than that of Mr. PATRICK
+MACGILL. The newest of his several battle-books is _The Brown
+Brethren_ (JENKINS), a title derived from the campaigning colour
+that has amended a popular quotation till it should now read "the
+thin brown line of heroes." I can hardly tell you anything about
+Mr. MACGILL'S new book that you have not probably read or said for
+yourself of the previous volumes. For my own part, if the War is to
+be written about at all (a question concerning which I preserve an
+open mind), I say let it be, as here, the real thing, and the hotter
+and stronger the better. There is rough humour in these sketches of
+soldier types, and just enough story to thread them together; but it
+is the fighting that counts. Certain chapters, for example that about
+_Benner's_ struggle with the Hun sniper, seem to leave one bruised and
+breathless as from personal conflict. Mr. MACGILL writes about war as
+he knows it, horribly, in a way that carries conviction like a charge
+of bayonets, and with an entire disregard of the sensibilities of the
+stay-at-home reader. For all which reasons _The Brown Brethren_ and
+their French friends are assured of the success that they certainly
+deserve. Here's wishing them the best of it!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _The Sentence of the Court_ (WARD, LOCK) Mr. FRED M. WHITE
+contrives effectively to entangle our interest in one of those webs of
+facile intrigue from which the reader escapes only at the last line of
+the last page, muttering at he lays the volume down and observes with
+concern that it is 2.30 A.M., "What rot!" The title of the story is
+misleading. There is no Court, and nobody is sentenced, though the
+eminent specialist of Harley Street who essays the _rôle_ of villain
+richly deserves to be. However, as he is left a bankrupt, discredited
+in his practice and detached from the heroine whom he had sworn to
+appropriate, it would perhaps be straining a point to cavil at his
+remaining at large. The idea upon which the story is based, and which
+enables the author to clothe his characters and their actions with
+bewildering mystery, is essentially good and, I believe, new, though
+far be it from me to do either Mr. WHITE or the reader the disservice
+of saying what it is. Suffice that we are introduced to some quite
+charming people, as well as two extremely unpleasant ones, and if the
+web of mystery is held together in places by a somewhat generous share
+of obtuseness on the part of the persons concerned it is not for us to
+complain, since we become aware of the defect only after the affair is
+over.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Apart from the greater complaint that I do not like her subject, which
+probably is entirely my own fault, I have nothing but praise for Mrs.
+STANLEY WRENCH'S latest volume, _Beat_ (DUCKWORTH), except as regards
+her amazing fondness for drooping the corners of her characters'
+mouths, generally either "wistfully" or "sullenly." It only made one
+annoyed when _Beatrix's_ unpleasant sisters developed the trick,
+but when poor little _Beat_ herself was affected that way, in spite
+of the magnificent courage with which she faced the burden of
+deputy-motherhood, it made one miserable as well. The task she had
+undertaken was a prodigious one, for the sisters she had to rear
+were, you must understand, vexed with sex instincts of the type of
+the modern novel, and so in a large measure she failed, even though
+she sacrificed strength, happiness and even her own love-story in
+the effort to keep them straight. The tale is set out with every
+circumstance of sordid misery, in which the spiritual beauty of
+the heroine is meant to shine, and undeniably does shine with
+real strength and purity. The successive deaths of the mother and
+step-mother, the shabby London lodgings, the fall of _Veronica_, the
+selfishness of _Beat's_ boy-friend, and the loathsome trade of her
+lover--these, and more horrors and lapses beside, are all taxed for
+the general effect in so able and vivid a fashion that the authoress
+succeeds to admiration in making her readers nearly as uncomfortable
+as her characters, long before the climax is reached. The end comes
+rather less wretchedly than could have been expected, but even so
+surely this is genius partly run to seed. The greatest tragedies are
+not written in these minor keys. _Beat_, woman and heroine, is so
+admirable that one fain would know her apart from all this unredeemed
+welter of sex and selfishness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I confess I should have thought that the fictional possibilities
+of being as like as two peas to Royalty were fairly exhausted. But
+apparently Mr. EDGAR JEPSON does not share this view; and it is only
+fair to admit that in _The Professional Prince_ (HUTCHINSON) he has
+contrived to give a novel twist to the already well laboured theme.
+_Prince Richard_ (precise nationality unstated) was so bored with
+the common round of his exalted duties that, hearing of a convenient
+double, he engages him, at four hundred a year and pickings, to
+represent him at dull functions, and incidentally to pay the requisite
+attentions to the young woman, reported by photograph as depressingly
+plain, whom political considerations have marked as the _Prince's
+fiancée_. When later one of the characters points out to His Highness
+that this conduct showed some lapse from the finer ideals of taste, I
+am bound to say that I could find no words of contradiction. However
+the originality arrives when _John Stuart_, the deputy, instead of
+falling in love with the bride-elect in Ruritanian fashion, develops
+a marked liking for the prosaic side of his job, and insists upon
+lecturing his supposed relations upon the political crisis of the
+moment. Capital fun this. When the _fiancée_ in her turn proved wholly
+different from the photograph I permitted myself to hope that we
+were in for a double masquerade--but this was to expect too much.
+Still, Mr. JEPSON has handled his wildly-preposterous plot with
+great verve; and even if the central situation is one that has been
+often encountered before, this only proves again that HOPE springs
+eternal.... But I wish he had avoided the War.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Manager of Automatic Dreadnought Pianofortissimo
+Company (enthusiastically to Literary Gentleman who has written a
+moving appeal to the public in favour of the Company's goods)._ "MY
+DEAR SIR, THIS IS MAGNIFICENT. IT ALMOST MAKES ME DECIDE TO BUY ONE
+OF THE THINGS FOR MYSELF."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WHERE MY CARAVAN HAS RESTED."
+
+    "Wanted, modern Detached Villa Residence, inside tram
+    lines."--_Northern Whig_.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+153, OCT. 3, 1917***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 10711-8.txt or 10711-8.zip *******
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+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Oct. 3, 1917, by Various</title>
+<style type="text/css">
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+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153,
+Oct. 3, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Oct. 3, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 13, 2004  [eBook #10711]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: iso-8859-1
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 153, OCT. 3, 1917***
+
+
+</pre>
+<center><h3>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram,<br />
+            Punch, or the London Charivari,<br />
+            William Flis,<br />
+            and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</h3></center>
+<br />
+<hr class="full" />
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+<h2>Vol. 153.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>October 3, 1917.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page231" id="page231"></a>[pg
+231]</span>
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+<p>There is no truth in the rumour that the Imperial Government is
+trying to secure from KING ALFONSO an agreement that German
+prisoners shall not escape on Sundays or in batches of more than
+fifty at a time.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Far better another year of war," said the Bishop of LONDON in a
+recent sermon, "than to leave it to the baby in the cradle to do it
+over again." Too much importance should not be attached to these
+ill-judged reflections on the younger members of the Staff.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In Berlin a crowd of people attempted to do some injury to an
+officer on the paltry excuse that he ordered the execution of
+thirty people for alleged espionage. The German people have always
+been a little jealous of the privileges of the military.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Captain N. BERNIERS, who has just returned to Quebec, reports
+that the Eskimos had not heard of the War. We should be the last to
+worry Lord NORTHCLIFFE at present, but it certainly looks as if the
+Circulation Manager of <i>The Daily Mail</i> has been slacking.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>We really think more care should be taken by the authorities to
+see that, while waging war on the Continent, they do not forget the
+defence of those at home. The fact that Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL and
+Mr. HORATIO BOTTOMLEY were away in France at the same time looks
+like gross carelessness.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"Next to the field of Mars we must pay homage to the forge of
+Vulcan," said the KAISER in a recent speech. A stout fellow, this
+Vulcan, but as a forger not really in the ALL-HIGHEST'S class.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Taxicabs are to be entitled to charge a shilling for the first
+mile. The bus fare for the remainder of the distance will be the
+same as heretofore.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It is stated that fifty per cent. of the sugar forms have been
+filled in wrong. On the other hand a number of our youthful
+hedonists are complaining that as far as sugar is concerned their
+forms have never been anywhere near filled in.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Wood Green gentleman has written to an evening paper to say
+that he has grown a vegetable marrow which weighs forty-three
+pounds. There is some talk of his being elected an Honorary
+Angler.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A Grimsby lady who has just celebrated her hundredth birthday
+states that she has never visited a cinema theatre. We felt sure
+there must be an explanation somewhere.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>It seems a pity that the Willesden Health Committee should have
+troubled to pass a resolution about the decreasing birth-rate. When
+we remember air-raids and the shortage of sugar it is only natural
+that people should show a disinclination to be born just now.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>"I don't care how soon a General Election comes," says Mr. JOHN
+DILLON, M.P. It is this dare-devil spirit which has made so many
+Irishmen what they are. The recruiting officer has no terrors for
+them.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>HENRY ELIONSKY, of New York, has succeeded in swimming seven
+miles with his legs tied to a chair and with heavy boots and
+clothing. It is not known why he did it, but we gather that CHARLIE
+CHAPLIN is now wondering whether he was wise, after all, in
+becoming a naturalised American.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The wave of crime still sweeps the country. On top of the
+&pound;30,000 jewel robbery comes the news that a man has been
+charged with breaking into a London tobacconist's shop and stealing
+a box of matches value &frac12;<i>d.</i> (price
+1&frac12;<i>d.</i>).</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A letter has just reached a City office addressed to the tenants
+who occupied the premises twenty years ago. Fortunately such cases
+of loitering on the part of our postmen are extremely rare.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>An infuriated bull has been killed in High Street, Tonbridge,
+after wrecking several shop windows. It is thought that the animal
+had misread the directions on its sugar card.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A number of people have complained that they could hear nothing
+of the recent air-raids over London, owing to the noise of the
+firing being drowned by the admonitory activities of the
+police.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href=
+"images/231.png"><img width="100%" src="images/231.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>THE BULLDOG BREED.</h3>
+<p><i>Company Commander</i> (<i>making sure of his men before the
+show</i>). "NOW, WHEN WE GO OVER THE TOP TO-MORROW, YOU ALL KNOW
+WHAT YOU'RE TO MAKE FOR?"</p>
+<p><i>Chorus of Tommies</i>. "YUSS, SIR."</p>
+<p><i>C.C.</i> "WHAT IS IT, THEN?"</p>
+<p><i>Chorus</i>. "THEY GERMANS, SIR."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>Our Centripetists.</h3>
+<blockquote>"Mrs. Eckstein and Miss Eckstein have returned to
+London from Scotland, and they are leaving London immediately for
+London."&mdash;<i>Brighton Standard and Fashionable Visitors'
+List</i>.</blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>"The Irish farmers are confident that the Food
+Controller's declared intention to fix the price of cattle at
+6<i>s.</i> per cwt. for next January will not be carried into
+effect. They believe that Lord Rhondda must realise the necessity
+of making a substantial increase on this figure."&mdash;<i>Saturday
+Herald (Dublin)</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>Lord RHONDDA, we understand, has already met the Irish farmers
+more than halfway by fixing the price at 60<i>s.</i></p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>"The Apia Blacksmiths, Ltd., will undertake contracts
+for the building of houses, with or without
+material."&mdash;<i>Samoa Times</i>.</blockquote>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>"And gives to airy nothing</p>
+<p>A local habitation."&mdash;<i>Shakspeare</i>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>Taking Our Pleasures Sadly.</h3>
+<p>A correspondent informs us that the playbill of IBSEN'S
+<i>Ghosts</i> at the Pavilion Theatre bears the following words:
+"Mr. Neville Chamberlain says, 'It is essential there should be
+provided amusements and recreations which can take people for an
+hour or so out of themselves and return them to their work
+refreshed and reinvigorated.'"</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page232" id="page232"></a>[pg
+232]</span>
+<h2>SOCIETY NOTES.</h2>
+<h4><i>By The Hanger-on.</i></h4>
+<h3>AIR-RAIDS AND OTHER DIVERSIONS.</h3>
+<p>A promising young poet of my acquaintance, who in the midst of
+war's obsessions still finds time and taste for the exercise of his
+art (he is in a Government office), has allowed me to see the
+opening couplet of what I understand to be a very ambitious poem.
+It runs as follows:&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>"Though overhead the Gothas buzz,</p>
+<p>Stands London where it did? It does."</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>Many good judges of poetry to whom I have quoted these lines
+think them very clever.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A witty friend of mine tells me that he is thinking of bringing
+out a handy and up-to-date edition of the <i>Almanach de Gotha</i>,
+special attention being paid to the changes of the Moon.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Society is always on the look-out for some new distraction from
+the tedium of War. The latest vogue with smart people is to get up
+little air-raid parties for the Tube, to be followed by auction or
+a small boy-and-girl dance. Sections of tunnel or platform can be
+engaged beforehand by arrangement with the Constabulary.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>I hear that my friend, ARTHUR BOURCHIER, continues to draw
+crowds to the Oxford. I was dining the other day with a young and
+brilliant officer, who has seen two months' active service in the
+A.S.C. and won golden opinions at the Base, and he assured me that
+there is no "Better 'Ole" than the Oxford during an air-raid.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Now that London is part of the Front, with a barrage of its own,
+one has to be careful to censor one's correspondence. It is
+advisable not to mention your actual address, but just to write
+"Somewhere in the West-End. B.S.F." (British Sedentary Force).</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>The Winter season has begun exceptionally early. Last Sunday at
+Church Parade I saw Lady "Nibs" Tattenham, looking the very image
+of her latest photograph in <i>The Prattler</i>, where she appears
+with her pet Pekie over the legend, "Deeply interested in
+War-work."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A gallant Contemptible has been complaining to me that the Press
+shows no sense of proportion in the space that it allots to
+air-raids. Our casualties from that source, he said, are never one
+tenth as heavy as those in France on days when G.H.Q. reports
+"Everything quiet on the Western Front." I naturally disagreed with
+his attitude. Nothing, I told him, is more likely to discourage the
+Hun than to see column after column in our papers proving that
+these visitations leave us totally unmoved. Besides it must be very
+comforting to our troops in the trenches to learn in detail how
+their dear ones at home are sharing the perils of the other fronts.
+In any case nobody who knows our Press would doubt the purity of
+their motive in reporting as many air-raid horrors as the Censor
+permits.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><i>&Agrave; propos</i> of the Patriotic Press, no praise can be
+too high for some of our society weeklies. They have set their
+faces like flint against any serious reference to the War. When I
+see them going imperturbably along the old pre-war lines, snapping
+smart people at the races or in the Row, or reproducing the
+devastating beauty of a revue chorus, I know that they have their
+withers unwrung and their heart in the right place. I always have
+one of these papers on my table to be taken as a corrective after
+the daily casualty lists.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A striking feature of the Photographic Press is to be seen in
+the revival of the <i>vie intime</i> of popular idols of the stage.
+The human life of our great actors and actresses as revealed in
+some simple rustic <i>villeggiatura</i> has always had a
+fascination for a public that does not enjoy the privilege of their
+private friendship. And in these strenuous War-days it is well to
+bring home to the theatre-goer how necessary is domestic repose for
+those who are doing their courageous bit to keep the nation from
+dwelling on the inconveniences of Armageddon.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>One of the most profound after-the-war questions that is
+agitating the mind of the Government is what eventually to do with
+the miles of wooden and concrete villages that have sprung up all
+over London like Jonah's mushroom. I hear a rumour that the House
+of Commons tea-terrace will shortly be commandeered for the
+erection of yet another block of buildings to accommodate yet
+another Ministry&mdash;the Ministry of Demobilization of Temporary
+Departmental Hutments.</p>
+<p>O.S.</p>
+<hr />
+<h2>THE TUBE HOTELS, LTD.</h2>
+<p>[Mr. Punch has been fortunate enough to secure in advance a
+prospectus of the enterprising managements.]</p>
+<h3>THE CENTRAL LONDON RAILWAY</h3>
+<p>offers splendid night accommodation in its magnificently
+appointed stations. Every modern convenience. Luxurious lifts
+conducted by the Company's own liveried attendants convey guests to
+the dormitories. Constant supply of fresh ozone. Reduced terms to
+season ticket holders.</p>
+<h3>H&Ocirc;TEL EMBANKMENT.</h3>
+<p>All lines converge to this Hotel, which is therefore the most
+central in London. Frequent trains convey visitors direct to their
+beds. For the convenience of patrons arriving above ground or by
+District, the Directors have installed a superb moving staircase,
+thereby obviating the inconvenience of crowded lifts.</p>
+<p>The platforms and passages are tastefully decorated with
+coloured pictures by the leading firms.</p>
+<p>Visitors are respectfully requested not to sleep on the moving
+staircase.</p>
+<h3>H&Ocirc;TEL PICCADILLY CIRCUS.</h3>
+<h4>In the Heart of Fashionable London.</h4>
+<p>This Hotel, which is one of the deepest in London, is composed
+of four magnificent platforms and nearly a mile of finely
+tessellated corridors. Electric light. Constant temperature of
+sixty-five degrees Fahrenheit. Excellent catering under the control
+of the Automatic Machine Company. Reduced terms during moonless
+nights.</p>
+<h3>H&Ocirc;TEL HAMPSTEAD TUBE.</h3>
+<p>Situated in a commanding position, underlooking the Heath, this
+hotel is positively the deepest in London. The Management has
+decided to extend the accommodation during one week in each month
+by offering beds on the steps of the staircase. No one has ever
+been known to walk either up or down this staircase, and patrons
+are therefore assured of an uninterrupted night's repose. Extremely
+moderate terms are quoted for the higher flights.</p>
+<h3>THE GILLESPIE ARMS.</h3>
+<p>Ensure an undisturbed night's sleep by putting up at the
+Gillespie Road Station Family and Commercial Hotel. Large numbers
+of trains pass this station without stopping, and residents are
+comparatively free from the annoyance caused by the arrival and
+departure of passengers.</p>
+<p>Special terms for Aliens, who are requested to bring their own
+mattresses.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page233" id="page233"></a>[pg
+233]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/233.png"><img width="100%" src="images/233.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>A PLACE IN THE MOON.</h3>
+<p>HANS. "HOW BEAUTIFUL A MOON, MY LOVE, FOR SHOWING UP ENGLAND TO
+OUR GALLANT AIRMEN!"</p>
+<p>GRETCHEN. "YES, DEAREST, BUT MAY IT NOT SHOW UP THE FATHERLAND
+TO THE BRUTAL ENEMY ONE OF THESE NIGHTS?"</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page234" id="page234"></a>[pg
+234]</span>
+<h2>CODES.</h2>
+<p>It began like the noise of rushing water, and for a moment the
+Brigade Major hoped that somebody had taken it upon himself to wash
+the orderly. The noise, however, was followed by a succession of
+thumps which put an end to this pretty flight of fancy. Aghast he
+surveyed the scene before him. Close to the Brigade Headquarters'
+dug-out was an old French dump of every conceivable kind of
+explosive made up into every known form of projectile. No longer
+was it a picture of Still Life. The Sleeping Beauty was awake
+indeed. The Prince had come in the form of a common whizz-bang.</p>
+<p>As he looked (and ducked) a flock of aerial torpedoes, propelled
+by the explosion of one of their number, rose and scattered as if
+at the approach of a hostile sportsman. Another explosion blew what
+seemed to be a million rockets sizzling into the air.</p>
+<p>The store was on fire!</p>
+<p>The Brigade Major retired.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Everybody was in the Signal dug-out (Signals build deep and
+strong). Secretly the clerks were praying for the disintegration of
+the typewriter and the total destruction of the overwhelming mass
+of paper (paper warfare had been terrible of late). The Staff
+Captain and the O.C. Gum Boots, who had been approaching the
+Headquarters, were already half a mile down the road and still
+going strong.</p>
+<p>The Division rang up. One need hardly have mentioned that. In
+times of stress the higher formations rarely fail.</p>
+<p>"What's going on?" they asked.</p>
+<p>The Brigade Major was just going to say, when suddenly he
+remembered. That very morning he had been severely strafed for
+speaking of important things over the telephone when so near the
+enemy. "Had he not read the Divisional G 245/348/24 of the 29th
+inst.? What was the good of issuing orders to defeat the efficiency
+of the Bosch listening apparatus if they were not obeyed?" etc.,
+etc.</p>
+<p>True, it was conceivable that even without the aid of a delicate
+listening apparatus the Bosch was cognisant of an explosion that
+made his whole front line quiver; still orders is orders. So the
+Brigade-Major swallowed hard.</p>
+<p>"C-can't tell you over the wires. Your G 245/348/24..."</p>
+<p>"Yes, yes, we know all about that. Don't say it
+<i>definitely</i>, but give us an <i>idea</i>. <i>Where</i> is all
+this noise?"</p>
+<p>"Here!&mdash;Oh!" piped the B.M. as a crump shook the receiver
+out of his hand.</p>
+<p>"Send it in code at once. The G.O.C. is strafing horribly to
+know."</p>
+<p>To encode a message which may be your last words on earth is not
+the easiest of tasks. It has no romance about it. Who would relish
+an obituary such as: "He died like a hero, his last words being
+'XB35/067K'"?</p>
+<p>To the ramping of the continuous crump the B.M. scraped away the
+dirt and stuff that had fallen from the throbbing walls of his
+dug-out and fished out the Code-Book. Hurriedly he turned over the
+pages to "Ammunition" and read down the set phrases and their code
+equivalents. Four times he relit the candle. There seemed nothing
+under this heading applicable to the situation. "Send up" was one,
+but that had already been done. "Am/is/are/running short of" was
+another, but it was doubtful if the Division would see the real
+meaning of it.</p>
+<p>"Ah, here we are," he muttered, relighting the candle for the
+fifth time. "Dumps." Alas, there was nothing to convey the
+situation very clearly even under this heading. Finally he picked
+out the nearest he could find and sent it over the wires.</p>
+<p>This is what they decoded to the expectant G.O.C. of the
+Division: "<i>Advanced ammunition dep&ocirc;t has moved</i>."</p>
+<p>The G.O.C. said something which impelled the entire Divisional
+Staff to the telephone, where they all grabbed for the
+receiver.</p>
+<p>"What the devil is this code message? We can't understand it.
+You've sent in something about the dump at your Brigade
+Headquarters."</p>
+<p>"Ah!" said the B.M. meaningly, "there is <i>not</i> a dump at
+Brigade Headquarters now."</p>
+<p>"Well, I don't care. We want to know what all this noise is
+about."</p>
+<p>"It's the dump. It's m-moved."</p>
+<p>"Moved? Moved where? Give the map reference."</p>
+<p>"Map reference?" murmured the B.M. "Oh, my sacred aunt, what
+fools ... I'm sorry" (he smiled at them through his teeth) "I can't
+give you the <i>m-map</i> reference, but I can give you the
+<i>area</i> roughly."</p>
+<p>"Barmy!" was the word he heard spoken to a bystander at the
+other end.</p>
+<p>"Look here, old man," they said kindly, "we know you're all very
+tired and worried, but just try to <i>think</i> a moment. Never
+mind dumps now. You can't be making all that noise moving a
+dump&mdash;what?" (Specimen of Divisional joke&mdash;very rare.)
+"Tell us, is the Bosch shelling?"</p>
+<p>"No. They've stopped."</p>
+<p>"Good. Then it's all over?"</p>
+<p>"No. It's still going on."</p>
+<p>"But you just said that it had stopped."</p>
+<p>"Yes, it has. But the dump hasn't. It keeps m-moving."</p>
+<p>"Poor old bird," they said, "his nerve's gone at last. All
+right," they shouted, "don't you worry. The storeman will look
+after the dump. You go to bed and have a good sleep."</p>
+<p>"Have a g-good sleep!" muttered the B.M., "that's just like the
+Divis&mdash;Oh!" and he sat down as a torpedo flopped into his
+bedroom a few doors away and made a hole of it.</p>
+<p>Then he sat up. The storeman of the Brigade dump was not two
+hundred yards away from the active one. The poor fellow was to have
+gone on leave that night. Presently it occurred to him that,
+instead of trying to decide who should have the reversion of the
+storeman's leave, it would be better to go and see if there really
+was a vacancy. Fifteen boxes of melinite delayed him but a moment.
+With melinite you know the worst at once; it doesn't hang round
+like boxes of ammunition, for instance. He called a clerk and
+together they raced over to the storeman's dug-out.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page235" id="page235"></a>[pg
+235]</span>
+<p>"Jock!" cried the clerk. "Are ye there, Jock?"</p>
+<p>"Is he quite dead?" said the B.M., making up his mind to use his
+leave warrant for himself.</p>
+<p>"No, Sir, he's very deaf, that's why he's a storeman.
+Jo-ock!!"</p>
+<p>"Hello!" came from the ground.</p>
+<p>"Are ye all right, Jock?"</p>
+<p>"Na. There's an awfu' to-do here."</p>
+<p>"What's wrong then?"</p>
+<p>"Ma candle keeps going oot."</p>
+<p>"Are ye all right, though, Jock?"</p>
+<p>"Na."</p>
+<p>"Well, what's up with ye?"</p>
+<p>"I told ye. Ma candle keeps going oot. What's up yon?"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>When the B.M. got back he found a one-sided war in progress on
+the telephone. The G.O.C. had heated up the wires to red-heat.</p>
+<p>"Is that you, Nessel? Where the devil have you been? This noise
+is still going on. Tell me what it is. No-dam-nonsense-now. Let's
+have it."</p>
+<p>"If you want to know and you don't mind the Bosch hearing what I
+say, Sir, the dump, the French dump, has b-blown itself to
+b-blazes."</p>
+<p>"Why the <i>devil</i> couldn't you say so before?"</p>
+<p>Every dog has his day. With a full and fatuous smile the
+Brigade-Major picked up a paper and began: "Reference your G.
+245/348/24 of the 29th inst. It says that&mdash;"</p>
+<p>Somebody must have taken a bone away from a dog at the other
+end. He growled horribly.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href=
+"images/234.png"><img width="100%" src="images/234.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Flapper (shyly).</i> "COULD YOU TELL ME WHAT A STAMP STUCK ON
+AT <i>THAT</i> ANGLE MEANS IN THE LANGUAGE OF POSTAGE-STAMPS?"</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<p>From an account of the Ministerial crisis in Sweden:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>"Two imperialist minstrels, however, Von Melsted and
+Lengquist, did quite enough mischief."&mdash;<i>Daily
+Mail</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>Members of the pro-German band, no doubt.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mr. Punch desires to record thanks to the innumerable
+correspondents who have drawn his attention to the statement in
+<i>The Daily Chronicle</i> that among the German officers who
+escaped and were afterwards recaptured was "Von Thelan, a
+lieutenant in the lying corps." The existence of this unit in the
+German Army has, as most of them point out, been long suspected,
+but never officially confirmed till now.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/235.png"><img width="100%" src="images/235.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<i>The Colonel's Daughter</i>. "WHAT A WONDERFUL VOICE AND WHAT
+A PERFECT ARTIST!"<br />>
+<i>The Colonel</i>. "DON'T THINK MUCH OF HIM! HE'S GOT A POCKET
+UNBUTTONED."
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>TIPS FOR NON-TIPPERS.</h3>
+<blockquote class="note">["If taxi-cab fares are increased it will
+put a stop to tipping."&mdash;<i>Evening Paper</i>.]</blockquote>
+<p>Only really robust men should refuse to tip the taxi-driver.
+Many a City man has set out in the morning intent on giving no tips
+and has not been heard of afterwards.</p>
+<p>To enable timid men to avoid a tip, the police are providing
+taxi-drivers with antiseptic mouthpieces, through which their words
+may be sterilised.</p>
+<p>If the driver insists on a tip do not threaten to take his
+number. Just take it and run. If you haven't time for both, just
+run.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"ALL-WOOL Black Cashmere Stockings, winter weight. 1/11&frac12;
+and 2/6 per yard."&mdash;<i>Advt. in Scotch Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>We had always thought hosiery was sold by the foot.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>"On the estate of the late Hon. Lionel Walrond,
+Uffculme, Devon, Robert James, 97, is felling for the purpose of
+aeroplane construction aspen trees which he helped to plant 80
+years ago."&mdash;<i>The Times</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>Three cheers for Mr. ROBERT JAMES! "For he's a jolly good
+feller!"</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page236" id="page236"></a>[pg
+236]</span>
+<h2>BEASTS ROYAL.</h2>
+<h3>II.</h3>
+<h3>C&AElig;SAR'S GIRAFFE. B.C. 46.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>From Egypt, Africa and Gaul</p>
+<p class="i2">C&AElig;SAR his Roman triumph brings:</p>
+<p class="i2">Dark queens and ruddy-bearded kings,</p>
+<p>And scowling Britons led in thrall,</p>
+<p class="i2">And elephants with silver rings;</p>
+<p>But oh, more excellent than all,</p>
+<p class="i2">This pensive beast, this mottled beast,</p>
+<p class="i2">From the marshes of the East.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p><i>Patres conscripti</i>, hail him now</p>
+<p class="i2">Divine! Through Rome his triumph rolls;</p>
+<p class="i2">Oysters in barrels, pearls in bowls,</p>
+<p>Chariots and horsemen, moving slow</p>
+<p class="i2">Where purple garlands droop on poles.</p>
+<p><i>Patres conscripti</i>, crown his brow,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who brought us from the golden East</p>
+<p class="i2">This unimagined peerless beast!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Never has C&AElig;SAR made our foes</p>
+<p class="i2">Weep more than he has made us laugh;</p>
+<p class="i2">He who divides the world in half</p>
+<p>With the long shadow of his nose,</p>
+<p class="i2">And bridges oceans with his staff,</p>
+<p>Brings now, with pomp of vine and rose,</p>
+<p class="i2">This wondering and wondrous beast</p>
+<p class="i2">From the subjugated East.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>In bronze and basalt let us raise</p>
+<p class="i2">The bust of C&AElig;SAR; he has done</p>
+<p class="i2">Great things for Rome; but here is one</p>
+<p>Above the rest, o'ertopping praise.</p>
+<p class="i2">The elephants and kings are gone,</p>
+<p>But still the roaring tumult sways&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Much for the Conqueror of the East,</p>
+<p class="i2">More for the incomparable beast.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>AN INVOLUNTARY RAID.</h2>
+<p>Life in a convalescent hospital for officers is not one
+continuous round of gaiety, but it has its incidents for all
+that.</p>
+<p>The other day Sister took Haynes, Ansell and myself to have tea
+with some people in the neighbouring village of Little Budford. We
+were waiting in the hall for the car when Seymour came along.
+Seymour is an adjutant when he is not at home, and he likes to see
+things done with proper military precision.</p>
+<p>"Here," he said, "you can't go off casually like that. Fall in,
+tea-party."</p>
+<p>We fell in, and he went to the smoking-room and woke Major
+Stanley.</p>
+<p>"Party for tea ready for inspection, Sir," he reported.</p>
+<p>"Who? What? Where?" asked the Major confusedly. "Good Lord, you
+young idiot, what a scare you gave me! Thought I was back in France
+for a moment. Where's this party paraded?"</p>
+<p>"Hout in the 'all, Sir." Seymour led him to where we were
+standing at ease.</p>
+<p>"Party!" he roared. "Shunsuwere!" We gave two convulsive jerks.
+"Smarten up there, smarten HUP! Get a move on! This ain't a
+waxwork. Shunsuwere!... Shun!! Party present, Sir."</p>
+<p>The Major inspected us.</p>
+<p>"I don't like this smear, Sergeant," he said, pointing to
+Ansell's upper lip.</p>
+<p>Seymour examined the feature in question.</p>
+<p>"It don't appear to be dirt, Sir. Some sort o' growth, I think.
+You try sand-papering it, me lad, an' you'll find it come orf all
+right."</p>
+<p>"Very good, Sergeant," answered Ansell solemnly.</p>
+<p>The Major proceeded to Haynes, and eyed him with disfavour.</p>
+<p>"We can't do nothing with this man, Sir," said Seymour
+deprecatingly. "'Is legs is that bandy."</p>
+<p>"What do you mean, Private Haynes, by appearing on ceremonial
+parade with a pair of bandy legs?"</p>
+<p>"It wasn't my fault, Sir. 'Strewth, it wasn't. They got wet,
+Sir, an' I went an' dried 'em at the cook'ouse fire, Sir, an' they
+got warped, Sir."</p>
+<p>"Well," said the Major, "don't bring 'em on parade again. Tell
+your Q.M.S. I say you're to have a new pair."</p>
+<p>"Very good, Sir."</p>
+<p>The Major passed on to me, and surveyed my left arm more in
+anger than in sorrow.</p>
+<p>"Why has this man got his blue band fastened on with pins?" he
+demanded. "Why isn't it sewn on? Why hasn't he fastened it on with
+elastic? D'you hear me? Are you deaf? Why isn't it sewn on? Why
+don't you speak?"</p>
+<p>"Please, Sir...."</p>
+<p>"Don't answer me back! Sergeant, take this man's name. He is
+insolent. Take his name for insolence. You are insolent, Sir.
+You're a disgrace to the Army. You're a ..."</p>
+<p>"If you've quite finished with my squad, Major," put in Sister
+in a quiet voice from the door, "the car is here, and we're late
+already. I shall have to push a bit."</p>
+<p>I promptly made for the seat beside the driver, explaining that
+I wanted to see the speedometer burst. Sister does a good many
+things, and does most of them well; but her particular
+accomplishment is her motor-driving. After my experiences in
+different cars at the Front&mdash;especially those driven by
+Frenchmen&mdash;I thought at first that motoring had no new thrills
+to offer me; but when Sister takes corners I still clutch at
+anything handy.</p>
+<p>Surrey began to stream past us. The landscape was extremely
+beautiful, but only the more distant parts of it were visible
+except as a mere blur. After five or six miles we turned into a
+long straight stretch of road.</p>
+<p>"The Hepworths live somewhere along this," said Sister. "There's
+a lovely sunken garden just in front of the house which I want you
+to notice. Hallo! here we are; I thought it was further on."</p>
+<p>The car whizzed round and through a drive gateway half hidden in
+trees. When I opened my eyes again I looked for the sunken garden;
+but except for a few very prim-looking flower-beds the grounds in
+front of the house consisted entirely of a lawn, round which the
+drive took a broad circular sweep.</p>
+<p>"It must be the wrong house," said Sister, and without pausing
+an instant in our centrifugal career we rushed round the complete
+circle and disappeared through the gate as suddenly as we had come.
+As we passed the house I had a fleeting glimpse of an old,
+hard-featured and furious female face glaring at us from one of the
+windows.</p>
+<p>On the road we stopped the car so as to regain some measure of
+gravity before presenting ourselves at our real
+destination&mdash;next house&mdash;but were still rather hysterical
+when we arrived.</p>
+<p>"You'll hear more of this," said our hostess, when we had
+reported our raid. "Old Miss Mendip lives there&mdash;a regular
+tartar; all kinds of views; writes to the papers."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In a subsequent issue of the local weekly we found the
+following:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote><i>To the Editor of "The Inshot Times, Great and Little
+Budford Chronicle and Home Counties Advertiser</i>."</blockquote>
+<p>SIR,&mdash;Even in <i>war-time</i>, when one cannot call our
+souls our own, we may surely expect the privacy of individuals and
+the rights of property to receive <i>some</i> respect. An
+Englishman's home is still his castle, though the debased morals
+and decayed manners of modern <i>Society</i> (?) seem to blind its
+members to the fact.</p>
+<p>I wish to give publicity in your pages to a disgraceful
+<i>outrage</i> of which I have been made the victim. On Tuesday
+last I was rudely awakened from my afternoon rest by the sound of a
+large motor-car. As I did not expect visitors I proceeded to the
+window in order to discover to what the <i>intrusion</i> might be
+due. What was my <i>astonishment</i> to discover that the vehicle
+contained a party of four <i>perfect strangers</i>. Three of them,
+I regret to state, were wounded officers; they were being driven by
+one of the modern games-playing cigarette-smoking <span class=
+"pagenum"><a name="page237" id="page237"></a>[pg 237]</span> young
+women to whom the old-fashioned word "<i>lady</i>" seems so
+<i>singularly</i> inapplicable. Their sole object in entering
+appeared to be the perpetration of a senseless practical
+<i>joke</i>, for after <i>careering</i> round my garden at a pace
+which I can only describe as <i>unwomanly</i>, they went off by the
+way they had come.</p>
+<p>My gardener, who witnessed the incident, tells me that on
+reaching the road they stopped the vehicle and celebrated the
+success of their inane efforts by <i>shrieking</i> with that
+unrestrained mirth which jars so painfully on refined ears.</p>
+<p>Can <i>nothing</i> be done?</p>
+<p>I am, Sir, Yours faithfully,</p>
+<p>LYDIA MENDIP.</p>
+<p><i>Manor Lodge, Little Budford</i>.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/237.png"><img width="100%" src="images/237.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<i>Orderly Officer</i>. "HOW MANY HORSES ARE HERE, PICKET?"<br />
+<i>Picket (a little fed-up)</i>. "ER&mdash;HORSE LINE, 'SHUN!
+FROM THE RIGHT&mdash;NUMBER!!"
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>The Food Shortage in Germany.</h3>
+<blockquote>"While the horse doeuvres were being served, the
+Kaiser, etc."</blockquote>
+<p>At the Imperial table, it will be observed, they put the horse
+before the <i>carte</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>"He held several Court appointments, including those of
+Keeper of the Privy PuPrse to the Prince"&mdash;<i>The
+Star</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>It is not every Keeper of the Privy Purse who thus manages to
+double the initial capital.</p>
+<hr />
+<h2>THE P.-P.-D.</h2>
+<p>Henry is in the War Office, where he takes a hand in the
+Direction of Military Aeronautics. To meet him you might almost
+think that Military Aeronautics was a one-man show. He has, at any
+rate in the eyes of the layman, an encyclop&aelig;dic knowledge of
+aircraft and all appertaining thereto. When he is out for a walk on
+Sunday with his wife and daughter, and a British aeroplane passes
+over them with the usual fascinating roar, Henry is very superior.
+Mummy (who is of coarse clay) and Betty (aged 1&frac12;, and
+coarser still) are frankly excited every time.</p>
+<p>"Look at the pretty airship!" says Mummy.</p>
+<p>"Oo-ah!" says Betty.</p>
+<p>"B.E.4X.," snaps Henry, without looking at it.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Or rather this is what Henry used to do; but now things are
+different. It was Betty who, so to speak, brought him down to earth
+again. He had great ambitions for Betty, whom he fondly believed to
+be possessed of intelligence above the lot of woman, and he always
+laboured prodigiously to advance her education. Betty took to it
+philosophically, however, and refused to be hurried; and Henry
+almost despaired of getting her beyond two syllables. The "Common
+Objects of the Farmyard" were rapidly assimilated, and all the
+world of mechanical traction was comprehended in the generic
+"puff-puff." But Henry wouldn't be satisfied with this very
+creditable repertoire. "Out of respect for her father, if for no
+other reason," he would insist, "she <i>must</i> learn to say
+'aeroplane.'"</p>
+<p>"How ridiculous!" said Mummy, who always called them "airships,"
+to annoy Henry; "and anyhow it's no use going on at her; she never
+will say things to order. If you'll only leave her alone for a bit
+she'll probably say it, and then your sordid ambition will be
+gratified."</p>
+<p>But Henry cared for none of these things, and when Sunday came,
+and with it Sunday's promenade and Sunday's aeroplane, he went at
+it as hard as ever.</p>
+<p>"Say 'air-ye-play,'" he commanded, as the pram was brought to a
+standstill and the droning monster passed overhead.</p>
+<p>Betty gazed raptly at the entrancing thing. Then suddenly she
+raised a fat hand and pointed. "Oo-ah!" she said,
+"puff-puff-dicky!"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>And nowadays Henry's omniscience is decently obscured under a
+capacious <span class="pagenum"><a name="page238" id=
+"page238"></a>[pg 238]</span> bushel. If you meet an aeroplane when
+you are walking with him and ask humbly for his verdict thereon, in
+the expectation of an explosion of clipped technical jargon, he
+will stop and study its outline with great attention, and will
+eventually inform you, to your respectful mystification, that it is
+a "P.-P.-D." Thereafter he will chuckle most unofficially.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/238.png"><img width="100%" src="images/238.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<i>Lady</i>. "WELL, MRS. GUBBINS, WHAT IS THE WEATHER GOING TO
+BE TO-DAY?"<br />
+<i>Charwoman</i>. "OH, I DON'T KNOW, MUM. I'M NOT MUCH OF A
+WEATHERCOCK."
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>More Sex Problems.</h3>
+<blockquote>"Wanted, a Blue Bull (Nilgai or Rojh). Apply, stating
+sex, age, height and price."&mdash;<i>Pioneer</i>.</blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>From a German <i>communiqu&eacute;</i>:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>"On the eastern bank of the Mouse desperate fishing
+continues."&mdash;<i>Edinburgh Evening Paper</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>And the Bosch has caught more than he bargained for.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>From the report of the meeting, in London, of the Executive
+Committee of the National Farmers' Union:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>"Farmers had hundreds of acres of grass which they were
+willing to turn into meat, but were prevented from doing
+so."</blockquote>
+<p>Mr. Punch thinks that the difficulty might be overcome if the
+meat were turned into the grass.</p>
+<hr />
+<h2>THE H.Q. TOUCH.</h2>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Command Headquarters (who, of course,</p>
+<p>Ride us as Cockneys ride a horse&mdash;</p>
+<p>I mean, without considering</p>
+<p>The animal; the ride's the thing)</p>
+<p>On Army Form&mdash;I cannot think</p>
+<p>Precisely which; the form was pink&mdash;</p>
+<p>Instructed Captain So-and-so,</p>
+<p>With certain other ranks, to go</p>
+<p>And at a given hour report,</p>
+<p>With rifles, such-and-such a sort,</p>
+<p>So many rounds of S.A.A.</p>
+<p>Per man, and so much oats and hay</p>
+<p>Per horse (as specified and charged</p>
+<p>On War Establishments, enlarged,</p>
+<p>Revised and issued as amended);</p>
+<p>And here the said instruction ended,</p>
+<p>"Signed, Eustace Blank, G.S.O.3,</p>
+<p>For D.A.Q.A.M.A.G."</p>
+<p class="i2">The reason why the form was thus</p>
+<p>Truncated was&mdash;alas for us!&mdash;</p>
+<p>That Major Blank, a hasty man,</p>
+<p>Neglected his accustomed plan</p>
+<p>And failed, in short, to P.T.O.,</p>
+<p>So never told us where to go.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">We drafted a polite reply:&mdash;</p>
+<p>"Your such a number, Fourth July;</p>
+<p>Instructions touching destination</p>
+<p>Requested, please, for information."</p>
+<p>And Captain So-and-So and men</p>
+<p>Donned and inspected kits.</p>
+<p class="i10">And then</p>
+<p>Command Headquarters went and wired:</p>
+<p>"The draft in question not required.</p>
+<p>When any draft is <i>wanted</i> you</p>
+<p>Will hear <i>precisely</i> what to do;</p>
+<p>No error ever passes through</p>
+<p>This office. You will therefore not</p>
+<p>In future tell US what is what;</p>
+<p>WE know; and WE are on the spot.</p>
+<p>The G.O.C.-in-C. is much</p>
+<p>Displeased."</p>
+<p class="i10">The old Headquarters' touch.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>Our Spoilt Pets.</h3>
+<blockquote>"Cottage, suitable for pigs and
+poultry."&mdash;<i>Birmingham Daily Mail</i>.</blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>"SUSAN'S PUDDING.&mdash;This is a super-excellent
+pudding, and, as times go, the cost of the material used is not
+excessive. Required: One cup each of flour, breadcrumbs, raisins
+(stoned and chopped), currants (washed and dried), also a teacupful
+of baking powder.... If served only on occasion&mdash;a special
+occasion&mdash;the most scrupulously careful housewife should not
+be troubled by uneasy sensations."&mdash;<i>Bristol Times and
+Mirror</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>We should&mdash;after a teacupful of baking powder.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page239" id="page239"></a>[pg
+239]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/239.png"><img width="100%" src="images/239.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>THE BELGIAN "MENACE."</h3>
+<p>KAISER. "IF I GRANT YOU MY GRACIOUS PARDON, WILL YOU PROMISE NOT
+TO TERRORISE ME AGAIN?"</p>
+<p>["Belgium would be required to give a guarantee that any such
+menace as that which threatened Germany in 1914 would in future be
+excluded."&mdash;<i>German Foreign Secretary to Papal Nuncio at
+Munich</i>.]</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page240" id="page240"></a>[pg
+240]</span>
+<h2>RAID JOTTINGS.</h2>
+<p>A good deal of dissatisfaction is expressed with the state of
+the cellars to which people have been invited during the raids.
+"Surely," writes one of our correspondents, "it is a scandal that,
+at this time in the world's history, some cellars should be totally
+destitute of wine. That there should be no coal in the coal-cellars
+is understandable enough; but to ask the timid public into empty
+wine cellars is a travesty of hospitality."</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Every effort will be made when the House reassembles to provide
+separate cellars for the SPEAKER and Mr. PEMBERTON BILLING.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mr. JIMMY WILDE, the Welsh boxer, it has been widely announced,
+had a marvellous escape from an air-bomb. The little champion (for
+once not in a position to hit back) was standing in the door of his
+hotel when the projectile dropped, and blew him along the passage,
+but inflicted no injuries. The world will therefore hear from Mr.
+WILDE again, whose future antagonists should view with a shudder
+this inability of the Gothas to knock him out.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mr. WILDE is, however, not alone in his good fortune. From all
+the bombarded parts, and from some others, come news of remarkable
+pieces of good luck, due almost or wholly to the fact that the
+bombs fell on spots where our correspondents were not standing,
+although they might easily have been there had they not been
+elsewhere. The similarity of their experience is indeed most
+striking.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE, for example, who disapproves of soldiers
+laughing, happened to be in the country on the night of the 24th.
+Had he been in town he might, in a melancholy reverie caused by the
+incorrigible light-heartedness of his fellow-countrymen, have
+wandered bang into the danger zone. No one can be too thankful that
+he did not.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Sir HENRY WOOD'S project to play TCHAIKOVSKY'S "1812" in such
+perfect time that the audience will have the pleasure of hearing
+our anti-aircraft men supply the big-gun effects, although
+laudable, is, it is feared, doomed to failure.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>There was no air raid over London on Wednesday the 26th. The
+sudden noise (which happily produced no panic) in His Majesty's
+Theatre was merely Miss LILY BRAYTON dropping the clothes she was
+not wearing.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>A CONSTANT RAIDER writes:&mdash;"It is understood that the
+German airmen's motto&mdash;borrowed, without acknowledgment, from
+the dental profession&mdash;is 'We spare no panes.'"</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In view of recent events Miss TENNYSON JESSE is considering
+whether her new novel, <i>Secret Bread</i>, should be renamed
+<i>Air-raided Bread</i>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mr. CHARLES COCHRAN is very anxious that it should be known that
+not a single bomb hit him. Had any of them done so, the
+consequences might have been very serious. This happy immunity
+being his, he wishes it also to be known that his various and
+meritorious theatres are doing even more astonishing business than
+before.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mr. COCHRAN, however, together with other theatrical managers,
+has a dangerous rival. The raids are threatening to ruin the
+matin&eacute;es now so prevalent by setting up counter attractions.
+The thousands of people (not only errand-boys) who now stand all
+day to watch the workmen mend a hole in the roadway caused by a
+bomb would otherwise, but for this engrossing and never tedious
+spectacle, be in this theatre or that.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Mr. HALL CAINE telegraphs from the Isle of Man that no bombs
+having fallen there he remains intact.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href=
+"images/240.png"><img width="100%" src="images/240.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p>"GOOD NEWS, LADS; WE'VE GOT A CHANGE FER TEA TO-NIGHT." "WHAT IS
+IT?" "ROUND BISCUITS INSTEAD O' SQUARE ONES."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>The Ideal Lodger.</h3>
+<blockquote>"Wanted, two Single Rooms, in private or boarding
+house; special arrangements for constant
+absence."&mdash;<i>Australian Paper</i>.</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<h2>LETTERS OF A GENERAL TO HIS SON</h2>
+<h4>(<i>On obtaining a Junior Staff appointment</i>).</h4>
+<p>MY DEAR BOY,&mdash;We both congratulate you heartily on your
+appointment. Acting on your suggestion, I have hinted to your
+mother that her anxieties for your safety may be considerably
+lessened in consequence. You will, of course, continue to address
+letters likely to cause her any apprehension to my club. On
+entering this new phase of your career you will not take it amiss
+if I offer you a few words of practical advice:&mdash;</p>
+<p>1. Do not neglect your advantages. Always visit the line with a
+double mission, one for the right of the line and one for the
+left&mdash;and see which they are shelling.</p>
+<p>2. If they are strafing all along the line, inspect
+Transport.</p>
+<p>3. Cultivate the detached manner when dealing with all but the
+very senior. This will give you what is called distinction. Charm
+will come later.</p>
+<p>4. What you don't know, guess. If wrong, guess again.</p>
+<p>5. Always put off on to others what you cannot do yourself.</p>
+<p>6. What little you do, do well&mdash;and see that it gets talked
+about. Medals are going round, and you may as well have them as
+anybody else.</p>
+<p>7. Belong to a good Mess and invite people who are inclined to
+criticise.</p>
+<p>8. When rung up on a subject of which you know nothing, learn to
+conduct the conversation so that you abstract the necessary
+enlightenment from the questioner himself (while appearing to be
+perfectly conversant with what he is talking about), and, if
+possible, get him to suggest the answer to his own conundrum. In
+other words, bluff as in poker (which I trust you don't play).</p>
+<p>These are just a few little hints that have occurred to me. Your
+own good sense will guide you as to the rest. Everybody at home is
+taking a tremendous interest in the War, I'm glad to say. Hardly a
+day passes but I am asked at least a dozen times when it is going
+to be over.</p>
+<p>Your affectionate Father, etc., etc.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>From an order recently issued at the Front:</p>
+<blockquote>"Great care must always be exercised in tethering
+horses to trees, as they are apt to bark, and thereby destroy the
+trees."</blockquote>
+<p>Wow, wow!</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page241" id="page241"></a>[pg
+241]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/241.png"><img width="100%" src="images/241.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<h3>THE PERFECT LIFE.</h3>
+<p>"YES, GAFFER. ME AN' MY OLE WOMAN 'ERE 'AVE LIVED TOGETHER THESE
+FORTY YEAR, AN' NEVER 'AD A QUARREL&mdash;FORTY YEAR, MIND YER, AN'
+NEVER BIN BEFORE THE MAGISTRATE!"</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>SIGNS OF INNS.</h2>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>The Herald lives in cloister grey;</p>
+<p class="i2">He lives by clerkly rules;</p>
+<p>He dreams in coats and colours gay,</p>
+<p class="i2">In <i>argent</i>, <i>or</i> and <i>gules</i>;</p>
+<p>He blazons knightly shield and banner</p>
+<p class="i2">In dim monastic hall,</p>
+<p>And in a grave and reverend manner</p>
+<p class="i2">He earns his bread withal.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Were I a herald fair and fit</p>
+<p class="i2">So featly for to limn</p>
+<p>As though I'd learnt the lore of it</p>
+<p class="i2">Among the seraphim,</p>
+<p>I'd leave the schools to clerkly people</p>
+<p class="i2">And walk, as dawn begins,</p>
+<p>From steeple unto distant steeple,</p>
+<p class="i2">And paint the signs of inns.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p><i>The Dragon</i>, as I'd see him, is</p>
+<p class="i2">A loving beast and long,</p>
+<p>And oh, the <i>Goat and Compasses</i>,</p>
+<p class="i2">'Twould fill my soul with song;</p>
+<p><i>The Bell</i>, <i>The Bull</i>, <i>The Rose and
+Rummer</i>,</p>
+<p class="i2">Such themes should like me still</p>
+<p>At Yule, or when the heart of Summer</p>
+<p class="i2">Lies blue on vale and hill.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Let others' blazonry find place</p>
+<p class="i2">Supported, scrolled with gold,</p>
+<p>A glowing dignity and grace</p>
+<p class="i2">On honoured walls and old;</p>
+<p>And let it likewise be attended</p>
+<p class="i2">In stately circumstance</p>
+<p>With mottos writ o' Latin splendid</p>
+<p class="i2">Or courtly words of France;</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>But I would paint <i>The Golden Tun</i></p>
+<p class="i2">And others to my mind,</p>
+<p>And mellow them in rain and sun,</p>
+<p class="i2">And hang them on the wind;</p>
+<p>And I would say, "My handcraft creaking</p>
+<p class="i2">On this autumnal gale</p>
+<p>Unto all wayfarers is speaking</p>
+<p class="i2">In praise of rest and ale."</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Then bless the man who puts a sign</p>
+<p class="i2">Above his wide door's beam,</p>
+<p>And bless the hop-root, fruit and vine,</p>
+<p class="i2">For still I dream my dream,</p>
+<p>Where, as the flushing East turns pinker</p>
+<p class="i2">And tardy day begins,</p>
+<p>I take the road like any tinker</p>
+<p class="i2">And paint the signs of inns.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>"INSTANT DEMAND FOR WARNINGS.</h3>
+<h4>"MAYORS OF LONDON MOVING."</h4>
+<blockquote><i>Evening News</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>They ought to set a better example.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>"Certain people seem to have misread the statement last
+week that flour would be reduced 1<i>s.</i> 1&frac12;<i>d.</i> that
+flour would be reduced to 1<i>s.</i> 1&frac12;<i>d.</i> but that
+that that flour would be reduced to 1<i>s.</i> 11&frac12;<i>d.</i>
+but that amount or somewhere about it would be taken off the former
+price."&mdash;<i>Rossendale Free Press</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>There ought to be no misunderstanding after this.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>"At such close quarters were attackers and attacked
+that to have used grenades would manifestly have been equally
+dangerous to both. So, after a brief pause to collect the means,
+our men began to pelt the Huns with bottles filled with water.
+Apparently the enemy thought this was some new form of
+'frightfulness,' for they speedily threw down their arms and tossed
+up their hands."&mdash;<i>Daily Telegraph</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>Our contemporary, while rightly applauding the resourcefulness
+of our bombers, might have given the Germans credit for their
+remarkable feat of acrobacy.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page242" id="page242"></a>[pg
+242]</span>
+<h2>FOR SERVICES RENDERED.</h2>
+<p>If ever, in a railing mood, I have unjustly aspersed the Army;
+if, by reason of deferred pay, over-diluted stew, or leave
+adjourned, I have accused the Powers That Be of a step-motherly
+indifference to my welfare, I hereby withdraw unreservedly all such
+aspersions and accusations. For since my discharge tokens of kindly
+interest and affection have reached me in such rapid succession
+that I am kept wondering what the next will be. With a quarter of a
+million men in his care (as I suppose, since my number was 256801),
+my fatherly Record Officer has yet time for frequent correspondence
+with "crocks" like me. He registers all his letters; he makes his
+instructions so plain that a very suckling might understand them;
+he takes every precaution lest, in the press of business, I should
+be overlooked.</p>
+<p>I had been at home about a week when his first communication
+arrived&mdash;an unexpected windfall purporting to represent the
+balance of my pay and allowances. The method of computation would
+probably have transcended my intelligence if it had been indicated;
+but there was no attempt at explanation, nor did I desire it. I
+stamped and signed the receipt form according to unmistakable
+directions, and returned it to Headquarters. A few days later
+certain arrears of Separation Allowance came to hand&mdash;arrears
+whose existence our own unaided sagacity would never have revealed.
+Guided by an illustrative diagram we signed the receipt in due form
+and returned it. Before we had ceased congratulating ourselves on
+these accessions, yet another instalment of pay was delivered, with
+form of receipt as in the previous case. We were almost convinced
+that the country cottage and the leisured ease of our dreams were
+within our grasp, but the well ran dry at that point. Some of my
+balance may yet lurk in the coffers of the Paymaster, but I dare
+not throw off the yoke of my bondage on the strength of a bare
+possibility.</p>
+<p>After a brief interval, Records returned to the charge with a
+bulky envelope containing matter of great interest. One of the
+enclosures certified that, for the term of three months, I was
+transferred to Class W.P., Army Reserve. I made various conjectures
+as to the meaning of "W," and so did Cinderella. On the whole we
+favoured "Warrior," but perhaps we were wrong. At all events, the
+interpretation of "P" was clearly set forth by another document,
+which explained that I was entitled to a pension of eight shillings
+and threepence per week so long as I remained among the happy
+W.P.'s. There was also an identity certificate, whereon some
+clergyman, magistrate or policeman must attest that I was alive
+when I brought it to him, and a form of receipt for all the papers
+in the batch. I signed it according to instructions and returned it
+to Headquarters.</p>
+<p>The identity certificate went back to a specified address, where
+it set in motion machinery by which my pension paper was presently
+delivered to me&mdash;accompanied by a form of receipt. This paper
+was covered with mystic circles, whose meaning I discovered when I
+presented myself at the post-office. They were apparently intended
+to appease the presiding divinity by gratifying her passion for
+stamping things. She hit my paper accurately in four of its rings,
+and then, with a pleased smile, handed me thirty-three
+shillings.</p>
+<p>Meanwhile Records had stirred up a benevolent neighbour to call
+upon me. He belonged to an organisation for assisting discharged
+soldiers; he was Opportunity in person for anyone who might need
+him; but, as Cinderella explained, I was at that moment engaged
+upon work of national importance and could not claim his help.
+Nevertheless she thanked the gentleman and placed the incident to
+the credit of the Powers That Be.</p>
+<p>No acknowledgment was required for this visit; but a week later
+my war services' badge was delivered per registered post, and I
+confessed the fact both on the usual green slip and on the form of
+receipt which was enclosed. Henceforth I was able to appear in
+public with an outward and visible sign of the ferocity which
+underlies my demeanour, and my most lurid tales had a substantial
+witness.</p>
+<p>Two months went by, during which the O. i/c Records made no
+further additions to our postbag. There are mornings when your
+friends appear to have forgotten you, when a Levitical postman
+bangs your neighbour's gate mockingly and forthwith crosses the
+street. On such mornings our thoughts may have turned to Records
+with a certain yearning; but mainly we felt his care like the air
+about us, and had no need that it should materialise in idle
+correspondence.</p>
+<p>At last my term of probation came to an end. In response to a
+note from Records (with form for receipt) I returned my Transfer
+Certificate and received in its place my final Discharge
+Papers&mdash;with a form for receipt. At the same time I heard that
+the Commissioners were in earnest consultation as to the
+continuance of my pension.</p>
+<p>Thus goodness and loving-kindness have followed me ever since I
+handed in the uniform. To this day I am the subject of anxious
+consideration. Not a week ago the early post brought me my
+character. Imagine the incessant parental watchfulness of an
+authority which can testify concerning one two hundred and fifty
+thousandth of its charge that he is "a good soldier, willing and
+industrious, honest, sober, trustworthy and well-conducted." Think
+of the kindly interest which prompted the O. i/c Records to insert
+a form of receipt&mdash;"to guard against impersonation." My
+character might have got into base hands; some unworthy person
+might have gone about professing to possess that willingness, that
+industry, that sobriety, that trustworthiness and that elegance of
+conduct which are mine alone; but the form of receipt would baffle
+him. I cannot explain how, but Records knows.</p>
+<p>What is yet in store for me the future bides; but this I know:
+while England endures and Records continues to record, I shall not
+walk alone.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:70%;"><a href=
+"images/242.png"><img width="100%" src="images/242.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Lady farm-help, being shown her new duties, notices fowls
+having dust-bath.</i> "DEAR ME! I EXPECT THEY'LL WANT WASHING EVERY
+NIGHT BEFORE I PUT THEM TO ROOST. I'D NO IDEA FOWLS WERE SUCH DIRTY
+THINGS."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page243" id="page243"></a>[pg
+243]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/243.png"><img width="100%" src="images/243.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Aunty (wishing to be sympathetic)</i>. "I'M GLAD TO HEAR
+YOU'VE GOT YOUR SEA-LEGS, JACK, AND I HOPE YOUR FRIEND IS GETTING
+ON EQUALLY WELL AND HAS GOT HIS TRENCH-FEET."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>PURE ENGLISH.</h2>
+<blockquote class="note">[A writer in <i>The Daily Express</i> has
+been discussing the questions where and by whom the purest English
+is spoken and written, and pronounces strongly in favour of East
+Anglia, FITZGERALD, BORROW and Mr. CONRAD.]</blockquote>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Once more 'tis discussed</p>
+<p class="i4">What guides we should trust</p>
+<p>If we wish to write prose to perfection;</p>
+<p class="i4">Is it BORROW or "FITZ,"</p>
+<p class="i4"><i>The Times</i> or <i>Tit Bits</i>?</p>
+<p>And how should we make our selection?</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Once on NEWMAN and FROUDE</p>
+<p class="i4">We were bidden to brood</p>
+<p>If we aimed at distinction and purity;</p>
+<p class="i4">And, when we escaped</p>
+<p class="i4">From their influence, aped</p>
+<p>GEORGE MEREDITH'S vivid obscurity.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">The remarkable style</p>
+<p class="i4">Of old THOMAS CARLYLE</p>
+<p>Found many a lover and hater;</p>
+<p class="i4">And precious young men</p>
+<p class="i4">Who made play with the pen</p>
+<p>Were devoted disciples of PATER.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">But these idols we've burned</p>
+<p class="i4">And have latterly learned</p>
+<p>That "distinction"'s an utter delusion;</p>
+<p class="i4">For if you would aim</p>
+<p class="i4">At a popular fame</p>
+<p>You must cultivate "vim" or effusion.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">JOSEPH CONRAD (a Pole)</p>
+<p class="i4">Some place on the whole</p>
+<p>At the top of the tree for his diction;</p>
+<p class="i4">But his style, I opine,</p>
+<p class="i4">Is a little too fine</p>
+<p>For the average reader of fiction.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">If you can't be a WELLS,</p>
+<p class="i4">Or aspire to Miss DELL'S</p>
+<p>Impassioned and fervid variety,</p>
+<p class="i4">You still may attain</p>
+<p class="i4">To CHARLES GARVICE'S strain</p>
+<p>And leaven Romance with propriety.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">For democracy shies</p>
+<p class="i4">At the artist who tries</p>
+<p>To express himself subtly or darkly;</p>
+<p class="i4">And the man in the street</p>
+<p class="i4">In a fair pl&eacute;biscite</p>
+<p>Would probably crown Mrs. BARCLAY.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<p>Extract from a sermon:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>"We meet here to-day under circumstances which are not
+ordinary ... We seem to hear 'the sound of a gong in the tops of
+the mulberry trees.'"&mdash;<i>The Record</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>This must be some air-raid warning by the rural police.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>"On the roads near by 'a Verdun' signposts have been
+replaced by new ones reading 'A Glorieux Verdun.' The name of
+France herself might well be altered to 'Glorieux
+France.'"&mdash;<i>Canadian Paper</i>.</blockquote>
+<p><i>Vive le France!</i></p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>From a report of the British Cotton-growing
+Association:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>"The negotiations with the Government for the
+development of the irritation scheme for the Gezira plain are still
+under consideration."&mdash;<i>The Field</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>We trust we shall hear no more of this vexatious project.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>A lodging-house keeper at Whitby</p>
+<p>Saw a couple of Zeppelins flit by;</p>
+<p class="i2">Though she felt a sharp sting,</p>
+<p class="i2">It's a curious thing</p>
+<p>That she never knew which she was hit by.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>"War conditions have given occasion in Germany for the
+study of an oedema disease (swelling) unknown in peace times. Among
+the civil population it has been generally located in the feet and
+legs, and in more than one-half of the cases studied some degree of
+facial swelling was present."&mdash;<i>Daily
+Paper</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>This last symptom is especially noticeable in the case of the
+KAISER.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>"Prior to the meeting [of the Irish Convention] in Cork
+the members of the secretariat attended in Sir Horace Plunkett's
+private room, and presented him with a solid ivory chairman's
+mantle."&mdash;<i>Dublin Evening Mail</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>But we are glad to state that the proceedings were quite
+orderly, and that the Chairman did not need this protective
+garment.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page244" id="page244"></a>[pg
+244]</span>
+<h2>GOING BACK.</h2>
+<p>"In these days," I began, but Francesca interrupted me.</p>
+<p>"When anyone starts like that," she said, "I know he's going to
+make the War an excuse for doing something rather more paltry than
+usual."</p>
+<p>"'Paltry' is not," I said, "a very nice word."</p>
+<p>"I'll take the phrase back and substitute 'rather less noble and
+generous.'"</p>
+<p>"Yes, I like that better. I'll pass it in that form as your
+comment on what you haven't yet allowed me to say."</p>
+<p>"Quick," she said; "what was it? Don't leave me in
+suspense."</p>
+<p>"In these days," I said, "one mustn't spend too much on railway
+companies."</p>
+<p>"True," she said. "I'm with you there in these or any other
+days."</p>
+<p>"And therefore," I continued, "it will be quite enough if one of
+us accompanies Frederick, our lively ten-year-old, to begin his
+second term at school. There is no necessity whatever for both of
+us to go with him."</p>
+<p>"Hear, hear!" said Francesca; "your idea is better than I
+thought. I will go with Frederick and you can stay at home and look
+after the girls."</p>
+<p>"No," I said firmly, "I will take Frederick, and you must remain
+behind and keep an eye on Muriel, Nina and Alice."</p>
+<p>"No," she said.</p>
+<p>"Yes," I said; "my eye's not good enough for the job; it hasn't
+been trained for it. I should be sure to mislay one of the girls,
+and then you'd never forgive yourself for having put upon me a
+burden greater than I could bear. Besides," I added, "goings back
+to school are in the man's department, with football, cricket,
+boxing and things of that kind."</p>
+<p>"And what," she said scornfully, "are you graciously pleased to
+leave in my department?"</p>
+<p>"Oh, I thought you knew. I leave to you table-manners, tidiness
+(that's a tough one), hand-washing (that's a tougher), reading
+aloud from Kipling and tucking him up in bed."</p>
+<p>"Quite a good list, if by no means a complete one; but in these
+days one mustn't be too critical. Anyhow it proves that I must take
+the boy back to school."</p>
+<p>"It proves just the contrary."</p>
+<p>"No," she said, "it proves what ought to be there by leaving it
+out."</p>
+<p>"That," I said, "is a record even for you, Francesca."</p>
+<p>"Well, it's logical anyway. How, for instance, could you talk to
+the Matron? You'd be utterly lost before you'd been at it for half
+a minute."</p>
+<p>"Don't you worry about that," I said. "I have accomplishments of
+which you don't seem to be aware, and one of them is talking to
+Matrons at preparatory schools."</p>
+<p>"Anyhow, you're not going to have a chance of showing it off
+this time, <i>because I am going to take the boy back to
+school</i>. That's final."</p>
+<p>It was, and in due time Francesca took the boy back. Her account
+of the farewell moments was not without a certain amount of pathos,
+several other mothers and their boys being involved in the
+valedictory scene. Four or five days afterwards, however, we
+received the following letter, which put to flight any idea that
+Frederick might be pining:&mdash;</p>
+<p>"I am very happy this term, and I am getting on fairly well in
+my work. I like football much better than cricket. I have three or
+four times just not got a goal, once it was when I kicked into goal
+the goalkeeper (3 st. 4 lb.!) rushed out and kicked it away, and
+once when we were playing Blues and Reds, and I was on the Blue
+side, and I managed by good luck to get through a crowd of shouting
+Reds and followed it up amidst shouts from the Blues and shot it to
+the Red goal; but the goalkeeper (a different one) came out and hit
+it away, at which I twisted my knee and collapsed (not with pain,
+because it wasn't anything, but with anger and <i>desparation!</i>)
+Am I to learn boxing this term? I am sorry to hear the hens are not
+behaving well."</p>
+<p>I should like to have seen the bold goalkeeper of 3 st. 4 lb. It
+is a proud weight.</p>
+<p>R.C.L.</p>
+<hr />
+<h2>YESTERDAY IN OXFORD STREET.</h2>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Yesterday in Oxford Street, oh, what d'you think, my dears?</p>
+<p>I had the most exciting time I've had for years and years;</p>
+<p>The buildings looked so straight and tall, the sky was blue
+between,</p>
+<p>And, riding on a motor-bus, I saw the fairy queen!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Sitting there upon the rail and bobbing up and down,</p>
+<p>The sun was shining on her wings and on her golden crown;</p>
+<p>And looking at the shops she was, the pretty silks and
+lace&mdash;</p>
+<p>She seemed to think that Oxford Street was quite a lovely
+place.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>And once she turned and looked at me and waved her little
+hand,</p>
+<p>But I could only glare and stare, oh, would she understand?</p>
+<p>I simply couldn't speak at all, I simply couldn't stir,</p>
+<p>And all the rest of Oxford Street was just a shining blur.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Then suddenly she shook her wings&mdash;a bird had fluttered
+by&mdash;</p>
+<p>And down into the street she looked and up into the sky,</p>
+<p>And perching on the railing on a tiny fairy toe</p>
+<p>She flashed away so quickly that I hardly saw her go.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>I never saw her any more, although I looked all day;</p>
+<p>Perhaps she only came to peep and never meant to stay;</p>
+<p>But oh, my dears, just think of it, just think what luck for
+me</p>
+<p>That she should come to Oxford Street and I be there to see!</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>R.F.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>Light on the Situation.</h3>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Dr. Michaelis is the trusted no-hold-out until their plans of
+annexation have been carried out, and they always receive a
+gracious telegram in reply. So he who cares to hear knows what the
+hour is striking."&mdash;<i>Egyptian Mail</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+<h3>Journalistic Humility.</h3>
+<blockquote>"Two years ago The Daily Mail begged our sluggish
+authorities to study the question of daylight air-raids as well as
+night attacks. We pointed out their risk; we asked that the best
+means of meeting them should be considered and the best method of
+warning the public investigated. The result was that nothing was
+done."&mdash;<i>Daily Mail</i>.</blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>"Of old was it written that they who taketh up the
+sword shall perish by the sword, and the written word
+remaineth."&mdash;<i>The Daily Mirror</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>But it hath been a little damaged in the interval.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>"It may be estimated the Germans opposing our troops
+represented an average concentration of more than four men to every
+yard of front."&mdash;<i>Liverpool Echo</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>Never could it have been done with four pre-war Germans!</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<blockquote>"Up to July 26 1,559 lists had been issued officially
+of German casualties. Each list contained 19,802 pages of three
+columns per page, and each column contained between 80 and 90 names
+of dead, wounded, and missing officers and men&mdash;a total of
+nearly 6,000,000."&mdash;<i>Daily Sketch</i>.</blockquote>
+<p>We trust our spirited contemporary has not joined the
+Hide-the-Truth Press, for we make the sum approximately
+7,872,186,090.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page245" id="page245"></a>[pg
+245]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href=
+"images/245.png"><img width="100%" src="images/245.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Old Gentleman (to father of conscientious objector).</i> "BUT
+SUPPOSING A GERMAN WAS GOING FOR YOUR SON WITH A
+BAYONET&mdash;WOULDN'T HE GO FOR THE GERMAN?"</p>
+<p><i>Father of C.O.</i> "AY! I DOUBT HE'D SAY SUMMAT. 'E'S GOT A
+SHARP TONGUE WHEN 'E'S VEXED."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+<h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks</i>.)</h4>
+<p>I think I prefer Mr. WELLS'S recent essay in the Newest Theology
+to this too concrete illustration of <i>The Soul of a Bishop</i>
+(CASSELL). It's not that I object to the irreverence of stripping a
+poor tired bishop of cassock and gaiters, pursuing him to a
+sleepless bed and cinematographing all his physical twistings and
+turnings, his moral misgivings, his torturing doubts. I owe too
+much to Mr. WELLS' irreverences to mind that sort of thing; and I
+must say that, for a man who can't have had very much to do with
+the episcopacy in his busy life, he does manage to give a
+confoundedly plausible atmosphere to the whole setting. There are
+two letters from an older bishop to <i>Dr. Scrope</i>, the one,
+yieldingly tolerant, to dissuade him from resignation, the other,
+written after the accomplished fact, with touches of exquisitely
+restrained yet palpable malice, which strike me as masterly
+projections. Mr. WELLS also contrives a wonderful impressiveness in
+certain passages of the bishop's three visions. But I can't, even
+after careful re-reading, see the point of making the bishop's
+enlightenment depend upon a mysterious drug. This has an effect of
+impishness. There is nothing in <i>Dr. Scrope's</i> development
+that might not have taken place without this fantastic assistance
+... I suppose the general suggestion of this rather wayward and
+hasty but conspicuously sincere book is, that if only an occasional
+bishop would secede it would make it easier for the plain man to
+listen to the rest. And there may be something in this.</p>
+<p>To those who are in love with Mr. W.J. LOCKE'S incurable
+romanticism or who have a taste for heroines that "stiffen in a
+sudden stroke of passion looking for the instant electrically
+beautiful," let me commend <i>The Red Planet</i> (LANE). As a
+matter of fact <i>Betty</i>, the heroine, is quite a dear, and the
+narrator, <i>Major Meredyth</i>, a maimed hero of the Boer War, who
+looks at this one from the tragic angle of an invalid chair, is,
+apart from a habit of petulant and not very profound grousing at
+Governments in <i>The Daily Rail</i> manner, a sport who thoroughly
+deserves the reward of poor widowed <i>Betty's</i> hand on the last
+page but one. Perhaps he does not show a very ready understanding
+of the phenomenon of physical cowardice in the case of a
+brother-officer, though later he makes amends. But I take it that
+it was Mr. LOCKE'S idea to present a very ordinary decent sort with
+the common man's prejudices and frank distrust of subtleties. A
+sinister mystery of love, death and blackmail runs, a turbid
+undercurrent, through the story. The publisher's pathetic apology
+for the drab grey paper on which, in the interests of War Economy,
+the book is printed, makes one wonder how the other publishers who
+still issue books in black and white manage to live.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Of the literary reputations that the War has, so to speak, dug
+in, I suppose none to be more firmly consolidated than that of Mr.
+PATRICK MACGILL. The newest of his several battle-books is <i>The
+Brown Brethren</i> (JENKINS), a title derived from the campaigning
+colour that has amended a popular quotation till it should now read
+"the thin brown line of heroes." I can hardly tell you anything
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page246" id="page246"></a>[pg
+246]</span> about Mr. MACGILL'S new book that you have not probably
+read or said for yourself of the previous volumes. For my own part,
+if the War is to be written about at all (a question concerning
+which I preserve an open mind), I say let it be, as here, the real
+thing, and the hotter and stronger the better. There is rough
+humour in these sketches of soldier types, and just enough story to
+thread them together; but it is the fighting that counts. Certain
+chapters, for example that about <i>Benner's</i> struggle with the
+Hun sniper, seem to leave one bruised and breathless as from
+personal conflict. Mr. MACGILL writes about war as he knows it,
+horribly, in a way that carries conviction like a charge of
+bayonets, and with an entire disregard of the sensibilities of the
+stay-at-home reader. For all which reasons <i>The Brown
+Brethren</i> and their French friends are assured of the success
+that they certainly deserve. Here's wishing them the best of
+it!</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>In <i>The Sentence of the Court</i> (WARD, LOCK) Mr. FRED M.
+WHITE contrives effectively to entangle our interest in one of
+those webs of facile intrigue from which the reader escapes only at
+the last line of the last page, muttering at he lays the volume
+down and observes with concern that it is 2.30 A.M., "What rot!"
+The title of the story is misleading. There is no Court, and nobody
+is sentenced, though the eminent specialist of Harley Street who
+essays the <i>r&ocirc;le</i> of villain richly deserves to be.
+However, as he is left a bankrupt, discredited in his practice and
+detached from the heroine whom he had sworn to appropriate, it
+would perhaps be straining a point to cavil at his remaining at
+large. The idea upon which the story is based, and which enables
+the author to clothe his characters and their actions with
+bewildering mystery, is essentially good and, I believe, new,
+though far be it from me to do either Mr. WHITE or the reader the
+disservice of saying what it is. Suffice that we are introduced to
+some quite charming people, as well as two extremely unpleasant
+ones, and if the web of mystery is held together in places by a
+somewhat generous share of obtuseness on the part of the persons
+concerned it is not for us to complain, since we become aware of
+the defect only after the affair is over.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Apart from the greater complaint that I do not like her subject,
+which probably is entirely my own fault, I have nothing but praise
+for Mrs. STANLEY WRENCH'S latest volume, <i>Beat</i> (DUCKWORTH),
+except as regards her amazing fondness for drooping the corners of
+her characters' mouths, generally either "wistfully" or "sullenly."
+It only made one annoyed when <i>Beatrix's</i> unpleasant sisters
+developed the trick, but when poor little <i>Beat</i> herself was
+affected that way, in spite of the magnificent courage with which
+she faced the burden of deputy-motherhood, it made one miserable as
+well. The task she had undertaken was a prodigious one, for the
+sisters she had to rear were, you must understand, vexed with sex
+instincts of the type of the modern novel, and so in a large
+measure she failed, even though she sacrificed strength, happiness
+and even her own love-story in the effort to keep them straight.
+The tale is set out with every circumstance of sordid misery, in
+which the spiritual beauty of the heroine is meant to shine, and
+undeniably does shine with real strength and purity. The successive
+deaths of the mother and step-mother, the shabby London lodgings,
+the fall of <i>Veronica</i>, the selfishness of <i>Beat's</i>
+boy-friend, and the loathsome trade of her lover&mdash;these, and
+more horrors and lapses beside, are all taxed for the general
+effect in so able and vivid a fashion that the authoress succeeds
+to admiration in making her readers nearly as uncomfortable as her
+characters, long before the climax is reached. The end comes rather
+less wretchedly than could have been expected, but even so surely
+this is genius partly run to seed. The greatest tragedies are not
+written in these minor keys. <i>Beat</i>, woman and heroine, is so
+admirable that one fain would know her apart from all this
+unredeemed welter of sex and selfishness.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>I confess I should have thought that the fictional possibilities
+of being as like as two peas to Royalty were fairly exhausted. But
+apparently Mr. EDGAR JEPSON does not share this view; and it is
+only fair to admit that in <i>The Professional Prince</i>
+(HUTCHINSON) he has contrived to give a novel twist to the already
+well laboured theme. <i>Prince Richard</i> (precise nationality
+unstated) was so bored with the common round of his exalted duties
+that, hearing of a convenient double, he engages him, at four
+hundred a year and pickings, to represent him at dull functions,
+and incidentally to pay the requisite attentions to the young
+woman, reported by photograph as depressingly plain, whom political
+considerations have marked as the <i>Prince's fianc&eacute;e</i>.
+When later one of the characters points out to His Highness that
+this conduct showed some lapse from the finer ideals of taste, I am
+bound to say that I could find no words of contradiction. However
+the originality arrives when <i>John Stuart</i>, the deputy,
+instead of falling in love with the bride-elect in Ruritanian
+fashion, develops a marked liking for the prosaic side of his job,
+and insists upon lecturing his supposed relations upon the
+political crisis of the moment. Capital fun this. When the
+<i>fianc&eacute;e</i> in her turn proved wholly different from the
+photograph I permitted myself to hope that we were in for a double
+masquerade&mdash;but this was to expect too much. Still, Mr. JEPSON
+has handled his wildly-preposterous plot with great verve; and even
+if the central situation is one that has been often encountered
+before, this only proves again that HOPE springs eternal.... But I
+wish he had avoided the War.</p>
+<hr />
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href=
+"images/246.png"><img width="100%" src="images/246.png" alt=
+"" /></a>
+<p><i>Manager of Automatic Dreadnought Pianofortissimo Company
+(enthusiastically to Literary Gentleman who has written a moving
+appeal to the public in favour of the Company's goods).</i> "MY
+DEAR SIR, THIS IS MAGNIFICENT. IT ALMOST MAKES ME DECIDE TO BUY ONE
+OF THE THINGS FOR MYSELF."</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>"Where my Caravan has Rested."</h3>
+<blockquote>"Wanted, modern Detached Villa Residence, inside tram
+lines."&mdash;<i>Northern Whig</i>.</blockquote>
+<hr class="full" />
+<pre>
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 153, OCT. 3, 1917***
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@@ -0,0 +1,2269 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153,
+Oct. 3, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Oct. 3, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 13, 2004  [eBook #10711]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: US-ASCII
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 153, OCT. 3, 1917***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari,
+William Flis and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 153.
+
+OCTOBER 3, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+There is no truth in the rumour that the Imperial Government is trying
+to secure from KING ALFONSO an agreement that German prisoners shall
+not escape on Sundays or in batches of more than fifty at a time.
+
+       ***
+
+"Far better another year of war," said the Bishop of LONDON in a
+recent sermon, "than to leave it to the baby in the cradle to do it
+over again." Too much importance should not be attached to these
+ill-judged reflections on the younger members of the Staff.
+
+       ***
+
+In Berlin a crowd of people attempted to do some injury to an officer
+on the paltry excuse that he ordered the execution of thirty people
+for alleged espionage. The German people have always been a little
+jealous of the privileges of the military.
+
+       ***
+
+Captain N. BERNIERS, who has just returned to Quebec, reports that the
+Eskimos had not heard of the War. We should be the last to worry Lord
+NORTHCLIFFE at present, but it certainly looks as if the Circulation
+Manager of _The Daily Mail_ has been slacking.
+
+       ***
+
+We really think more care should be taken by the authorities to see
+that, while waging war on the Continent, they do not forget the
+defence of those at home. The fact that Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL and Mr.
+HORATIO BOTTOMLEY were away in France at the same time looks like
+gross carelessness.
+
+       ***
+
+"Next to the field of Mars we must pay homage to the forge of Vulcan,"
+said the KAISER in a recent speech. A stout fellow, this Vulcan, but
+as a forger not really in the ALL-HIGHEST'S class.
+
+       ***
+
+Taxicabs are to be entitled to charge a shilling for the first mile.
+The bus fare for the remainder of the distance will be the same as
+heretofore.
+
+       ***
+
+It is stated that fifty per cent. of the sugar forms have been filled
+in wrong. On the other hand a number of our youthful hedonists are
+complaining that as far as sugar is concerned their forms have never
+been anywhere near filled in.
+
+       ***
+
+A Wood Green gentleman has written to an evening paper to say that he
+has grown a vegetable marrow which weighs forty-three pounds. There is
+some talk of his being elected an Honorary Angler.
+
+       ***
+
+A Grimsby lady who has just celebrated her hundredth birthday states
+that she has never visited a cinema theatre. We felt sure there must
+be an explanation somewhere.
+
+       ***
+
+It seems a pity that the Willesden Health Committee should have
+troubled to pass a resolution about the decreasing birth-rate. When we
+remember air-raids and the shortage of sugar it is only natural that
+people should show a disinclination to be born just now.
+
+       ***
+
+"I don't care how soon a General Election comes," says Mr. JOHN
+DILLON, M.P. It is this dare-devil spirit which has made so many
+Irishmen what they are. The recruiting officer has no terrors for
+them.
+
+       ***
+
+HENRY ELIONSKY, of New York, has succeeded in swimming seven miles
+with his legs tied to a chair and with heavy boots and clothing. It
+is not known why he did it, but we gather that CHARLIE CHAPLIN is now
+wondering whether he was wise, after all, in becoming a naturalised
+American.
+
+       ***
+
+The wave of crime still sweeps the country. On top of the L30,000
+jewel robbery comes the news that a man has been charged with breaking
+into a London tobacconist's shop and stealing a box of matches value
+1/2d. (price 11/2d.).
+
+       ***
+
+A letter has just reached a City office addressed to the tenants who
+occupied the premises twenty years ago. Fortunately such cases of
+loitering on the part of our postmen are extremely rare.
+
+       ***
+
+An infuriated bull has been killed in High Street, Tonbridge, after
+wrecking several shop windows. It is thought that the animal had
+misread the directions on its sugar card.
+
+       ***
+
+A number of people have complained that they could hear nothing of the
+recent air-raids over London, owing to the noise of the firing being
+drowned by the admonitory activities of the police.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BULLDOG BREED.
+
+_Company Commander_ (_making sure of his men before the show_). "NOW,
+WHEN WE GO OVER THE TOP TO-MORROW, YOU ALL KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TO MAKE
+FOR?"
+
+_Chorus of Tommies_. "YUSS, SIR."
+
+_C.C._ "WHAT IS IT, THEN?"
+
+_Chorus_. "THEY GERMANS, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR CENTRIPETISTS.
+
+    "Mrs. Eckstein and Miss Eckstein have returned to London
+    from Scotland, and they are leaving London immediately for
+    London."--_Brighton Standard and Fashionable Visitors' List_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Irish farmers are confident that the Food Controller's
+    declared intention to fix the price of cattle at 6s. per cwt. for
+    next January will not be carried into effect. They believe that
+    Lord Rhondda must realise the necessity of making a substantial
+    increase on this figure."--_Saturday Herald (Dublin)_.
+
+Lord RHONDDA, we understand, has already met the Irish farmers more
+than halfway by fixing the price at 60s.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+    "The Apia Blacksmiths, Ltd., will undertake contracts for the
+    building of houses, with or without material."--_Samoa Times_.
+
+  "And gives to airy nothing
+  A local habitation."--_Shakspeare_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TAKING OUR PLEASURES SADLY.
+
+A correspondent informs us that the playbill of IBSEN'S _Ghosts_
+at the Pavilion Theatre bears the following words: "Mr. Neville
+Chamberlain says, 'It is essential there should be provided amusements
+and recreations which can take people for an hour or so out of
+themselves and return them to their work refreshed and reinvigorated.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOCIETY NOTES.
+
+_BY THE HANGER-ON._
+
+AIR-RAIDS AND OTHER DIVERSIONS.
+
+A promising young poet of my acquaintance, who in the midst of war's
+obsessions still finds time and taste for the exercise of his art
+(he is in a Government office), has allowed me to see the opening
+couplet of what I understand to be a very ambitious poem. It runs as
+follows:--
+
+  "Though overhead the Gothas buzz,
+  Stands London where it did? It does."
+
+Many good judges of poetry to whom I have quoted these lines think
+them very clever.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A witty friend of mine tells me that he is thinking of bringing out
+a handy and up-to-date edition of the _Almanach de Gotha_, special
+attention being paid to the changes of the Moon.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Society is always on the look-out for some new distraction from the
+tedium of War. The latest vogue with smart people is to get up little
+air-raid parties for the Tube, to be followed by auction or a small
+boy-and-girl dance. Sections of tunnel or platform can be engaged
+beforehand by arrangement with the Constabulary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I hear that my friend, ARTHUR BOURCHIER, continues to draw crowds to
+the Oxford. I was dining the other day with a young and brilliant
+officer, who has seen two months' active service in the A.S.C. and
+won golden opinions at the Base, and he assured me that there is no
+"Better 'Ole" than the Oxford during an air-raid.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Now that London is part of the Front, with a barrage of its own, one
+has to be careful to censor one's correspondence. It is advisable not
+to mention your actual address, but just to write "Somewhere in the
+West-End. B.S.F." (British Sedentary Force).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Winter season has begun exceptionally early. Last Sunday at Church
+Parade I saw Lady "Nibs" Tattenham, looking the very image of her
+latest photograph in _The Prattler_, where she appears with her pet
+Pekie over the legend, "Deeply interested in War-work."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A gallant Contemptible has been complaining to me that the Press shows
+no sense of proportion in the space that it allots to air-raids. Our
+casualties from that source, he said, are never one tenth as heavy as
+those in France on days when G.H.Q. reports "Everything quiet on the
+Western Front." I naturally disagreed with his attitude. Nothing, I
+told him, is more likely to discourage the Hun than to see column
+after column in our papers proving that these visitations leave us
+totally unmoved. Besides it must be very comforting to our troops
+in the trenches to learn in detail how their dear ones at home are
+sharing the perils of the other fronts. In any case nobody who knows
+our Press would doubt the purity of their motive in reporting as many
+air-raid horrors as the Censor permits.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_A propos_ of the Patriotic Press, no praise can be too high for some
+of our society weeklies. They have set their faces like flint against
+any serious reference to the War. When I see them going imperturbably
+along the old pre-war lines, snapping smart people at the races or in
+the Row, or reproducing the devastating beauty of a revue chorus, I
+know that they have their withers unwrung and their heart in the right
+place. I always have one of these papers on my table to be taken as a
+corrective after the daily casualty lists.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A striking feature of the Photographic Press is to be seen in the
+revival of the _vie intime_ of popular idols of the stage. The human
+life of our great actors and actresses as revealed in some simple
+rustic _villeggiatura_ has always had a fascination for a public that
+does not enjoy the privilege of their private friendship. And in these
+strenuous War-days it is well to bring home to the theatre-goer how
+necessary is domestic repose for those who are doing their courageous
+bit to keep the nation from dwelling on the inconveniences of
+Armageddon.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+One of the most profound after-the-war questions that is agitating
+the mind of the Government is what eventually to do with the miles
+of wooden and concrete villages that have sprung up all over London
+like Jonah's mushroom. I hear a rumour that the House of Commons
+tea-terrace will shortly be commandeered for the erection of yet
+another block of buildings to accommodate yet another Ministry--the
+Ministry of Demobilization of Temporary Departmental Hutments.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TUBE HOTELS, LTD.
+
+[Mr. Punch has been fortunate enough to secure in advance a prospectus
+of the enterprising managements.]
+
+THE CENTRAL LONDON RAILWAY
+
+offers splendid night accommodation in its magnificently appointed
+stations. Every modern convenience. Luxurious lifts conducted by the
+Company's own liveried attendants convey guests to the dormitories.
+Constant supply of fresh ozone. Reduced terms to season ticket
+holders.
+
+
+HOTEL EMBANKMENT.
+
+All lines converge to this Hotel, which is therefore the most central
+in London. Frequent trains convey visitors direct to their beds. For
+the convenience of patrons arriving above ground or by District, the
+Directors have installed a superb moving staircase, thereby obviating
+the inconvenience of crowded lifts.
+
+The platforms and passages are tastefully decorated with coloured
+pictures by the leading firms.
+
+Visitors are respectfully requested not to sleep on the moving
+staircase.
+
+
+HOTEL PICCADILLY CIRCUS.
+
+IN THE HEART OF FASHIONABLE LONDON.
+
+This Hotel, which is one of the deepest in London, is composed of
+four magnificent platforms and nearly a mile of finely tessellated
+corridors. Electric light. Constant temperature of sixty-five degrees
+Fahrenheit. Excellent catering under the control of the Automatic
+Machine Company. Reduced terms during moonless nights.
+
+
+HOTEL HAMPSTEAD TUBE.
+
+Situated in a commanding position, underlooking the Heath, this hotel
+is positively the deepest in London. The Management has decided to
+extend the accommodation during one week in each month by offering
+beds on the steps of the staircase. No one has ever been known to walk
+either up or down this staircase, and patrons are therefore assured of
+an uninterrupted night's repose. Extremely moderate terms are quoted
+for the higher flights.
+
+
+THE GILLESPIE ARMS.
+
+Ensure an undisturbed night's sleep by putting up at the Gillespie
+Road Station Family and Commercial Hotel. Large numbers of trains pass
+this station without stopping, and residents are comparatively free
+from the annoyance caused by the arrival and departure of passengers.
+
+Special terms for Aliens, who are requested to bring their own
+mattresses.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PLACE IN THE MOON.
+
+HANS. "HOW BEAUTIFUL A MOON, MY LOVE, FOR SHOWING UP ENGLAND TO OUR
+GALLANT AIRMEN!"
+
+GRETCHEN. "YES, DEAREST, BUT MAY IT NOT SHOW UP THE FATHERLAND TO THE
+BRUTAL ENEMY ONE OF THESE NIGHTS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CODES.
+
+It began like the noise of rushing water, and for a moment the Brigade
+Major hoped that somebody had taken it upon himself to wash the
+orderly. The noise, however, was followed by a succession of thumps
+which put an end to this pretty flight of fancy. Aghast he surveyed
+the scene before him. Close to the Brigade Headquarters' dug-out was
+an old French dump of every conceivable kind of explosive made up into
+every known form of projectile. No longer was it a picture of Still
+Life. The Sleeping Beauty was awake indeed. The Prince had come in the
+form of a common whizz-bang.
+
+As he looked (and ducked) a flock of aerial torpedoes, propelled by
+the explosion of one of their number, rose and scattered as if at the
+approach of a hostile sportsman. Another explosion blew what seemed to
+be a million rockets sizzling into the air.
+
+The store was on fire!
+
+The Brigade Major retired.
+       *       *       *       *       *
+Everybody was in the Signal dug-out (Signals build deep and strong).
+Secretly the clerks were praying for the disintegration of the
+typewriter and the total destruction of the overwhelming mass of paper
+(paper warfare had been terrible of late). The Staff Captain and
+the O.C. Gum Boots, who had been approaching the Headquarters, were
+already half a mile down the road and still going strong.
+
+The Division rang up. One need hardly have mentioned that. In times of
+stress the higher formations rarely fail.
+
+"What's going on?" they asked.
+
+The Brigade Major was just going to say, when suddenly he remembered.
+That very morning he had been severely strafed for speaking of
+important things over the telephone when so near the enemy. "Had he
+not read the Divisional G 245/348/24 of the 29th inst.? What was the
+good of issuing orders to defeat the efficiency of the Bosch listening
+apparatus if they were not obeyed?" etc., etc.
+
+True, it was conceivable that even without the aid of a delicate
+listening apparatus the Bosch was cognisant of an explosion that
+made his whole front line quiver; still orders is orders. So the
+Brigade-Major swallowed hard.
+
+"C-can't tell you over the wires. Your G 245/348/24...."
+
+"Yes, yes, we know all about that. Don't say it _definitely_, but give
+us an _idea_. _Where_ is all this noise?"
+
+"Here!--Oh!" piped the B.M. as a crump shook the receiver out of his
+hand.
+
+"Send it in code at once. The G.O.C. is strafing horribly to know."
+
+To encode a message which may be your last words on earth is not the
+easiest of tasks. It has no romance about it. Who would relish
+an obituary such as: "He died like a hero, his last words being
+'XB35/067K'"?
+
+To the ramping of the continuous crump the B.M. scraped away the dirt
+and stuff that had fallen from the throbbing walls of his dug-out
+and fished out the Code-Book. Hurriedly he turned over the pages to
+"Ammunition" and read down the set phrases and their code equivalents.
+Four times he relit the candle. There seemed nothing under this
+heading applicable to the situation. "Send up" was one, but that had
+already been done. "Am/is/are/running short of" was another, but it
+was doubtful if the Division would see the real meaning of it.
+
+"Ah, here we are," he muttered, relighting the candle for the fifth
+time. "Dumps." Alas, there was nothing to convey the situation very
+clearly even under this heading. Finally he picked out the nearest he
+could find and sent it over the wires.
+
+This is what they decoded to the expectant G.O.C. of the Division:
+"_Advanced ammunition depot has moved_."
+
+The G.O.C. said something which impelled the entire Divisional Staff
+to the telephone, where they all grabbed for the receiver.
+
+"What the devil is this code message? We can't understand it. You've
+sent in something about the dump at your Brigade Headquarters."
+
+"Ah!" said the B.M. meaningly, "there is _not_ a dump at Brigade
+Headquarters now."
+
+"Well, I don't care. We want to know what all this noise is about."
+
+"It's the dump. It's m-moved."
+
+"Moved? Moved where? Give the map reference."
+
+"Map reference?" murmured the B.M. "Oh, my sacred aunt, what fools ...
+I'm sorry" (he smiled at them through his teeth) "I can't give you the
+_m-map_ reference, but I can give you the _area_ roughly."
+
+"Barmy!" was the word he heard spoken to a bystander at the other end.
+
+"Look here, old man," they said kindly, "we know you're all very tired
+and worried, but just try to _think_ a moment. Never mind dumps now.
+You can't be making all that noise moving a dump--what?" (Specimen of
+Divisional joke--very rare.) "Tell us, is the Bosch shelling?"
+
+"No. They've stopped."
+
+"Good. Then it's all over?"
+
+"No. It's still going on."
+
+"But you just said that it had stopped."
+
+"Yes, it has. But the dump hasn't. It keeps m-moving."
+
+"Poor old bird," they said, "his nerve's gone at last. All right,"
+they shouted, "don't you worry. The storeman will look after the dump.
+You go to bed and have a good sleep."
+
+"Have a g-good sleep!" muttered the B.M., "that's just like the
+Divis--Oh!" and he sat down as a torpedo flopped into his bedroom a
+few doors away and made a hole of it.
+
+Then he sat up. The storeman of the Brigade dump was not two hundred
+yards away from the active one. The poor fellow was to have gone on
+leave that night. Presently it occurred to him that, instead of trying
+to decide who should have the reversion of the storeman's leave, it
+would be better to go and see if there really was a vacancy. Fifteen
+boxes of melinite delayed him but a moment. With melinite you know
+the worst at once; it doesn't hang round like boxes of ammunition,
+for instance. He called a clerk and together they raced over to the
+storeman's dug-out.
+
+"Jock!" cried the clerk. "Are ye there, Jock?"
+
+"Is he quite dead?" said the B.M., making up his mind to use his leave
+warrant for himself.
+
+"No, Sir, he's very deaf, that's why he's a storeman. Jo-ock!!"
+
+"Hello!" came from the ground.
+
+"Are ye all right, Jock?"
+
+"Na. There's an awfu' to-do here."
+
+"What's wrong then?"
+
+"Ma candle keeps going oot."
+
+"Are ye all right, though, Jock?"
+
+"Na."
+
+"Well, what's up with ye?"
+
+"I told ye. Ma candle keeps going oot. What's up yon?"
+       *       *       *       *       *
+When the B.M. got back he found a one-sided war in progress on the
+telephone. The G.O.C. had heated up the wires to red-heat.
+
+"Is that you, Nessel? Where the devil have you been? This noise is
+still going on. Tell me what it is. No-dam-nonsense-now. Let's have
+it."
+
+"If you want to know and you don't mind the Bosch hearing what I say,
+Sir, the dump, the French dump, has b-blown itself to b-blazes."
+
+"Why the _devil_ couldn't you say so before?"
+
+Every dog has his day. With a full and fatuous smile the Brigade-Major
+picked up a paper and began: "Reference your G. 245/348/24 of the 29th
+inst. It says that--"
+
+Somebody must have taken a bone away from a dog at the other end. He
+growled horribly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Flapper (shyly)._ "COULD YOU TELL ME WHAT A STAMP
+STUCK ON AT _THAT_ ANGLE MEANS IN THE LANGUAGE OF POSTAGE-STAMPS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an account of the Ministerial crisis in Sweden:--
+
+    "Two imperialist minstrels, however, Von Melsted and
+    Lengquist, did quite enough mischief."--_Daily Mail_.
+
+Members of the pro-German band, no doubt.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Punch desires to record thanks to the innumerable correspondents
+who have drawn his attention to the statement in _The Daily Chronicle_
+that among the German officers who escaped and were afterwards
+recaptured was "Von Thelan, a lieutenant in the lying corps." The
+existence of this unit in the German Army has, as most of them point
+out, been long suspected, but never officially confirmed till now.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Colonel's Daughter_. "WHAT A WONDERFUL VOICE AND
+WHAT A PERFECT ARTIST!"
+
+_The Colonel_. "DON'T THINK MUCH OF HIM! HE'S GOT A POCKET
+UNBUTTONED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TIPS FOR NON-TIPPERS.
+
+    ["If taxi-cab fares are increased it will put a stop to
+    tipping."--_Evening Paper_.]
+
+Only really robust men should refuse to tip the taxi-driver. Many a
+City man has set out in the morning intent on giving no tips and has
+not been heard of afterwards.
+
+To enable timid men to avoid a tip, the police are providing
+taxi-drivers with antiseptic mouthpieces, through which their words
+may be sterilised.
+
+If the driver insists on a tip do not threaten to take his number.
+Just take it and run. If you haven't time for both, just run.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "ALL-WOOL Black Cashmere Stockings, winter weight. 1/111/2
+    and 2/6 per yard." _Advt. in Scotch Paper_.
+
+We had always thought hosiery was sold by the foot.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "On the estate of the late Hon. Lionel Walrond, Uffculme,
+    Devon, Robert James, 97, is felling for the purpose of
+    aeroplane construction aspen trees which he helped to
+    plant 80 years ago."--_The Times_.
+
+Three cheers for Mr. ROBERT JAMES! "For he's a jolly good feller!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BEASTS ROYAL.
+
+II.
+
+CAESAR'S GIRAFFE. B.C. 46.
+
+  From Egypt, Africa and Gaul
+    CAESAR his Roman triumph brings:
+    Dark queens and ruddy-bearded kings,
+  And scowling Britons led in thrall,
+    And elephants with silver rings;
+  But oh, more excellent than all,
+    This pensive beast, this mottled beast,
+    From the marshes of the East.
+
+  _Patres conscripti_, hail him now
+    Divine! Through Rome his triumph rolls;
+    Oysters in barrels, pearls in bowls,
+  Chariots and horsemen, moving slow
+    Where purple garlands droop on poles.
+  _Patres conscripti_, crown his brow,
+    Who brought us from the golden East
+    This unimagined peerless beast!
+
+  Never has CAESAR made our foes
+    Weep more than he has made us laugh;
+    He who divides the world in half
+  With the long shadow of his nose,
+    And bridges oceans with his staff,
+  Brings now, with pomp of vine and rose,
+    This wondering and wondrous beast
+    From the subjugated East.
+
+  In bronze and basalt let us raise
+    The bust of CAESAR; he has done
+    Great things for Rome; but here is one
+  Above the rest, o'ertopping praise.
+    The elephants and kings are gone,
+  But still the roaring tumult sways--
+    Much for the Conqueror of the East,
+    More for the incomparable beast.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN INVOLUNTARY RAID.
+
+Life in a convalescent hospital for officers is not one continuous
+round of gaiety, but it has its incidents for all that.
+
+The other day Sister took Haynes, Ansell and myself to have tea with
+some people in the neighbouring village of Little Budford. We were
+waiting in the hall for the car when Seymour came along. Seymour is an
+adjutant when he is not at home, and he likes to see things done with
+proper military precision.
+
+"Here," he said, "you can't go off casually like that. Fall in,
+tea-party."
+
+We fell in, and he went to the smoking-room and woke Major Stanley.
+
+"Party for tea ready for inspection, Sir," he reported.
+
+"Who? What? Where?" asked the Major confusedly. "Good Lord, you young
+idiot, what a scare you gave me! Thought I was back in France for a
+moment. Where's this party paraded?"
+
+"Hout in the 'all, Sir." Seymour led him to where we were standing at
+ease.
+
+"Party!" he roared. "Shunsuwere!" We gave two convulsive jerks.
+"Smarten up there, smarten HUP! Get a move on! This ain't a waxwork.
+Shunsuwere!... Shun!! Party present, Sir."
+
+The Major inspected us.
+
+"I don't like this smear, Sergeant," he said, pointing to Ansell's
+upper lip.
+
+Seymour examined the feature in question.
+
+"It don't appear to be dirt, Sir. Some sort o' growth, I think. You
+try sand-papering it, me lad, an' you'll find it come orf all right."
+
+"Very good, Sergeant," answered Ansell solemnly.
+
+The Major proceeded to Haynes, and eyed him with disfavour.
+
+"We can't do nothing with this man, Sir," said Seymour deprecatingly.
+"'Is legs is that bandy."
+
+"What do you mean, Private Haynes, by appearing on ceremonial parade
+with a pair of bandy legs?"
+
+"It wasn't my fault, Sir. 'Strewth, it wasn't. They got wet, Sir, an'
+I went an' dried 'em at the cook'ouse fire, Sir, an' they got warped,
+Sir."
+
+"Well," said the Major, "don't bring 'em on parade again. Tell your
+Q.M.S. I say you're to have a new pair."
+
+"Very good, Sir."
+
+The Major passed on to me, and surveyed my left arm more in anger than
+in sorrow.
+
+"Why has this man got his blue band fastened on with pins?" he
+demanded. "Why isn't it sewn on? Why hasn't he fastened it on with
+elastic? D'you hear me? Are you deaf? Why isn't it sewn on? Why don't
+you speak?"
+
+"Please, Sir...."
+
+"Don't answer me back! Sergeant, take this man's name. He is insolent.
+Take his name for insolence. You are insolent, Sir. You're a disgrace
+to the Army. You're a ..."
+
+"If you've quite finished with my squad, Major," put in Sister in a
+quiet voice from the door, "the car is here, and we're late already. I
+shall have to push a bit."
+
+I promptly made for the seat beside the driver, explaining that I
+wanted to see the speedometer burst. Sister does a good many things,
+and does most of them well; but her particular accomplishment is
+her motor-driving. After my experiences in different cars at the
+Front--especially those driven by Frenchmen--I thought at first that
+motoring had no new thrills to offer me; but when Sister takes corners
+I still clutch at anything handy.
+
+Surrey began to stream past us. The landscape was extremely beautiful,
+but only the more distant parts of it were visible except as a mere
+blur. After five or six miles we turned into a long straight stretch
+of road.
+
+"The Hepworths live somewhere along this," said Sister. "There's a
+lovely sunken garden just in front of the house which I want you to
+notice. Hallo! here we are; I thought it was further on."
+
+The car whizzed round and through a drive gateway half hidden in
+trees. When I opened my eyes again I looked for the sunken garden; but
+except for a few very prim-looking flower-beds the grounds in front of
+the house consisted entirely of a lawn, round which the drive took a
+broad circular sweep.
+
+"It must be the wrong house," said Sister, and without pausing an
+instant in our centrifugal career we rushed round the complete circle
+and disappeared through the gate as suddenly as we had come. As we
+passed the house I had a fleeting glimpse of an old, hard-featured and
+furious female face glaring at us from one of the windows.
+
+On the road we stopped the car so as to regain some measure of gravity
+before presenting ourselves at our real destination--next house--but
+were still rather hysterical when we arrived.
+
+"You'll hear more of this," said our hostess, when we had reported our
+raid. "Old Miss Mendip lives there--a regular tartar; all kinds of
+views; writes to the papers."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In a subsequent issue of the local weekly we found the following:--
+
+    _To the Editor of "The Inshot Times, Great and Little
+    Budford Chronicle and Home Counties Advertiser_."
+
+SIR,--Even in _war-time_, when one cannot call our souls our own,
+we may surely expect the privacy of individuals and the rights of
+property to receive _some_ respect. An Englishman's home is still
+his castle, though the debased morals and decayed manners of modern
+_Society_ (?) seem to blind its members to the fact.
+
+I wish to give publicity in your pages to a disgraceful _outrage_
+of which I have been made the victim. On Tuesday last I was rudely
+awakened from my afternoon rest by the sound of a large motor-car.
+As I did not expect visitors I proceeded to the window in order
+to discover to what the _intrusion_ might be due. What was my
+_astonishment_ to discover that the vehicle contained a party of four
+_perfect strangers_. Three of them, I regret to state, were wounded
+officers; they were being driven by one of the modern games-playing
+cigarette-smoking young women to whom the old-fashioned word "_lady_"
+seems so _singularly_ inapplicable. Their sole object in entering
+appeared to be the perpetration of a senseless practical _joke_, for
+after _careering_ round my garden at a pace which I can only describe
+as _unwomanly_, they went off by the way they had come.
+
+My gardener, who witnessed the incident, tells me that on reaching
+the road they stopped the vehicle and celebrated the success of their
+inane efforts by _shrieking_ with that unrestrained mirth which jars
+so painfully on refined ears.
+
+Can _nothing_ be done?
+
+I am, Sir, Yours faithfully,
+
+LYDIA MENDIP.
+
+_Manor Lodge, Little Budford_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Orderly Officer_. "HOW MANY HORSES ARE HERE, PICKET?"
+
+_Picket (a little fed-up)_. "ER--HORSE LINE, 'SHUN! FROM THE
+RIGHT--NUMBER!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FOOD SHORTAGE IN GERMANY.
+
+    "While the horse doeuvres were being served, the Kaiser, etc."
+
+At the Imperial table, it will be observed, they put the horse before
+the _carte_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "He held several Court appointments, including those of Keeper of
+    the Privy PuPrse to the Prince"--_The Star_.
+
+It is not every Keeper of the Privy Purse who thus manages to double
+the initial capital.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE P.-P.-D.
+
+Henry is in the War Office, where he takes a hand in the Direction of
+Military Aeronautics. To meet him you might almost think that Military
+Aeronautics was a one-man show. He has, at any rate in the eyes of the
+layman, an encyclopaedic knowledge of aircraft and all appertaining
+thereto. When he is out for a walk on Sunday with his wife and
+daughter, and a British aeroplane passes over them with the usual
+fascinating roar, Henry is very superior. Mummy (who is of coarse
+clay) and Betty (aged 11/2, and coarser still) are frankly excited
+every time.
+
+"Look at the pretty airship!" says Mummy.
+
+"Oo-ah!" says Betty.
+
+"B. E. 4 X.," snaps Henry, without looking at it.
+       *       *       *       *       *
+Or rather this is what Henry used to do; but now things are different.
+It was Betty who, so to speak, brought him down to earth again.
+He had great ambitions for Betty, whom he fondly believed to be
+possessed of intelligence above the lot of woman, and he always
+laboured prodigiously to advance her education. Betty took to it
+philosophically, however, and refused to be hurried; and Henry almost
+despaired of getting her beyond two syllables. The "Common Objects
+of the Farmyard" were rapidly assimilated, and all the world of
+mechanical traction was comprehended in the generic "puff-puff." But
+Henry wouldn't be satisfied with this very creditable repertoire. "Out
+of respect for her father, if for no other reason," he would insist,
+"she _must_ learn to say 'aeroplane.'"
+
+"How ridiculous!" said Mummy, who always called them "airships," to
+annoy Henry; "and anyhow it's no use going on at her; she never will
+say things to order. If you'll only leave her alone for a bit she'll
+probably say it, and then your sordid ambition will be gratified."
+
+But Henry cared for none of these things, and when Sunday came, and
+with it Sunday's promenade and Sunday's aeroplane, he went at it as
+hard as ever.
+
+"Say 'air-ye-play,'" he commanded, as the pram was brought to a
+standstill and the droning monster passed overhead.
+
+Betty gazed raptly at the entrancing thing. Then suddenly she raised a
+fat hand and pointed. "Oo-ah!" she said, "puff-puff-dicky!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+And nowadays Henry's omniscience is decently obscured under a
+capacious bushel. If you meet an aeroplane when you are walking with
+him and ask humbly for his verdict thereon, in the expectation of an
+explosion of clipped technical jargon, he will stop and study its
+outline with great attention, and will eventually inform you, to your
+respectful mystification, that it is a "P.-P.-D." Thereafter he will
+chuckle most unofficially.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady_. "WELL, MRS. GUBBINS, WHAT IS THE WEATHER GOING
+TO BE TO-DAY?"
+
+_Charwoman_. "OH, I DON'T KNOW, MUM. I'M NOT MUCH OF A WEATHERCOCK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE SEX PROBLEMS.
+
+    "Wanted, a Blue Bull (Nilgai or Rojh). Apply, stating sex,
+    age, height and price."--_Pioneer_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a German _communique_:--
+
+    "On the eastern bank of the Mouse desperate fishing
+    continues."--_Edinburgh Evening Paper_.
+
+And the Bosch has caught more than he bargained for.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the report of the meeting, in London, of the Executive Committee
+of the National Farmers' Union:--
+
+    "Farmers had hundreds of acres of grass which they were willing
+    to turn into meat, but were prevented from doing so."
+
+Mr. Punch thinks that the difficulty might be overcome if the meat
+were turned into the grass.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE H.Q. TOUCH.
+
+  Command Headquarters (who, of course,
+  Ride us as Cockneys ride a horse--
+  I mean, without considering
+  The animal; the ride's the thing)
+  On Army Form--I cannot think
+  Precisely which; the form was pink--
+  Instructed Captain So-and-so,
+  With certain other ranks, to go
+  And at a given hour report,
+  With rifles, such-and-such a sort,
+  So many rounds of S.A.A.
+  Per man, and so much oats and hay
+  Per horse (as specified and charged
+  On War Establishments, enlarged,
+  Revised and issued as amended);
+  And here the said instruction ended,
+  "Signed, Eustace Blank, G.S.O.3,
+  For D.A.Q.A.M.A.G."
+    The reason why the form was thus
+  Truncated was--alas for us!--
+  That Major Blank, a hasty man,
+  Neglected his accustomed plan
+  And failed, in short, to P.T.O.,
+  So never told us where to go.
+
+    We drafted a polite reply:--
+  "Your such a number, Fourth July;
+  Instructions touching destination
+  Requested, please, for information."
+  And Captain So-and-So and men
+  Donned and inspected kits.
+                             And then
+  Command Headquarters went and wired:
+  "The draft in question not required.
+  When any draft is _wanted_ you
+  Will hear _precisely_ what to do;
+  No error ever passes through
+  This office. You will therefore not
+  In future tell US what is what;
+  WE know; and WE are on the spot.
+  The G.O.C.-in-C. is much
+  Displeased."
+              The old Headquarters' touch.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR SPOILT PETS.
+
+    "Cottage, suitable for pigs and poultry."--_Birmingham
+    Daily Mail_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "SUSAN'S PUDDING.--This is a super-excellent pudding, and,
+    as times go, the cost of the material used is not excessive.
+    Required: One cup each of flour, breadcrumbs, raisins (stoned
+    and chopped), currants (washed and dried), also a teacupful
+    of baking powder.... If served only on occasion--a special
+    occasion--the most scrupulously careful housewife should not
+    be troubled by uneasy sensations."--_Bristol Times and Mirror_.
+
+We should--after a teacupful of baking powder.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BELGIAN "MENACE."
+
+KAISER. "IF I GRANT YOU MY GRACIOUS PARDON, WILL YOU PROMISE NOT
+TO TERRORISE ME AGAIN?"
+
+{"Belgium would be required to give a guarantee that any such
+menace as that which threatened Germany in 1914 would in future be
+excluded."--_German Foreign Secretary to Papal Nuncio at Munich_.}]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAID JOTTINGS.
+
+A good deal of dissatisfaction is expressed with the state of the
+cellars to which people have been invited during the raids. "Surely,"
+writes one of our correspondents, "it is a scandal that, at this time
+in the world's history, some cellars should be totally destitute
+of wine. That there should be no coal in the coal-cellars is
+understandable enough; but to ask the timid public into empty wine
+cellars is a travesty of hospitality."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Every effort will be made when the House reassembles to provide
+separate cellars for the SPEAKER and Mr. PEMBERTON BILLING.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. JIMMY WILDE, the Welsh boxer, it has been widely announced, had a
+marvellous escape from an air-bomb. The little champion (for once not
+in a position to hit back) was standing in the door of his hotel when
+the projectile dropped, and blew him along the passage, but inflicted
+no injuries. The world will therefore hear from Mr. WILDE again, whose
+future antagonists should view with a shudder this inability of the
+Gothas to knock him out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. WILDE is, however, not alone in his good fortune. From all the
+bombarded parts, and from some others, come news of remarkable pieces
+of good luck, due almost or wholly to the fact that the bombs fell on
+spots where our correspondents were not standing, although they might
+easily have been there had they not been elsewhere. The similarity of
+their experience is indeed most striking.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE, for example, who disapproves of soldiers laughing,
+happened to be in the country on the night of the 24th. Had he been
+in town he might, in a melancholy reverie caused by the incorrigible
+light-heartedness of his fellow-countrymen, have wandered bang into
+the danger zone. No one can be too thankful that he did not.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sir HENRY WOOD'S project to play TCHAIKOVSKY'S "1812" in such
+perfect time that the audience will have the pleasure of hearing our
+anti-aircraft men supply the big-gun effects, although laudable, is,
+it is feared, doomed to failure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There was no air raid over London on Wednesday the 26th. The sudden
+noise (which happily produced no panic) in His Majesty's Theatre was
+merely Miss LILY BRAYTON dropping the clothes she was not wearing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CONSTANT RAIDER writes:--"It is understood that the German
+airmen's motto--borrowed, without acknowledgment, from the dental
+profession--is 'We spare no panes.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In view of recent events Miss TENNYSON JESSE is considering whether
+her new novel, _Secret Bread_, should be renamed _Air-raided Bread_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. CHARLES COCHRAN is very anxious that it should be known that not a
+single bomb hit him. Had any of them done so, the consequences might
+have been very serious. This happy immunity being his, he wishes it
+also to be known that his various and meritorious theatres are doing
+even more astonishing business than before.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. COCHRAN, however, together with other theatrical managers, has a
+dangerous rival. The raids are threatening to ruin the matinees now so
+prevalent by setting up counter attractions. The thousands of people
+(not only errand-boys) who now stand all day to watch the workmen mend
+a hole in the roadway caused by a bomb would otherwise, but for this
+engrossing and never tedious spectacle, be in this theatre or that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. HALL CAINE telegraphs from the Isle of Man that no bombs having
+fallen there he remains intact.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "GOOD NEWS, LADS; WE'VE GOT A CHANGE FER TEA TO-NIGHT."
+"WHAT IS IT?" "ROUND BISCUITS INSTEAD O' SQUARE ONES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE IDEAL LODGER.
+
+    "Wanted, two Single Rooms, in private or boarding house; special
+    arrangements for constant absence."--_Australian Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTERS OF A GENERAL TO HIS SON
+
+(_ON OBTAINING A JUNIOR STAFF APPOINTMENT_).
+
+MY DEAR BOY,--We both congratulate you heartily on your appointment.
+Acting on your suggestion, I have hinted to your mother that her
+anxieties for your safety may be considerably lessened in consequence.
+You will, of course, continue to address letters likely to cause her
+any apprehension to my club. On entering this new phase of your career
+you will not take it amiss if I offer you a few words of practical
+advice:--
+
+1. Do not neglect your advantages. Always visit the line with a double
+mission, one for the right of the line and one for the left--and see
+which they are shelling.
+
+2. If they are strafing all along the line, inspect Transport.
+
+3. Cultivate the detached manner when dealing with all but the very
+senior. This will give you what is called distinction. Charm will come
+later.
+
+4. What you don't know, guess. If wrong, guess again.
+
+5. Always put off on to others what you cannot do yourself.
+
+6. What little you do, do well--and see that it gets talked about.
+Medals are going round, and you may as well have them as anybody else.
+
+7. Belong to a good Mess and invite people who are inclined to
+criticise.
+
+8. When rung up on a subject of which you know nothing, learn
+to conduct the conversation so that you abstract the necessary
+enlightenment from the questioner himself (while appearing to be
+perfectly conversant with what he is talking about), and, if possible,
+get him to suggest the answer to his own conundrum. In other words,
+bluff as in poker (which I trust you don't play).
+
+These are just a few little hints that have occurred to me. Your own
+good sense will guide you as to the rest. Everybody at home is taking
+a tremendous interest in the War, I'm glad to say. Hardly a day passes
+but I am asked at least a dozen times when it is going to be over.
+
+Your affectionate Father, etc., etc.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an order recently issued at the Front:
+
+    "Great care must always be exercised in tethering horses to
+    trees, as they are apt to bark, and thereby destroy the trees."
+
+Wow, wow!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PERFECT LIFE.
+
+"YES, GAFFER. ME AN' MY OLE WOMAN 'ERE 'AVE LIVED TOGETHER THESE
+FORTY YEAR, AN' NEVER 'AD A QUARREL--FORTY YEAR, MIND YER, AN'
+NEVER BIN BEFORE THE MAGISTRATE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIGNS OF INNS.
+
+  The Herald lives in cloister grey;
+    He lives by clerkly rules;
+  He dreams in coats and colours gay,
+    In _argent_, _or_ and _gules_;
+  He blazons knightly shield and banner
+    In dim monastic hall,
+  And in a grave and reverend manner
+    He earns his bread withal.
+
+  Were I a herald fair and fit
+    So featly for to limn
+  As though I'd learnt the lore of it
+    Among the seraphim,
+  I'd leave the schools to clerkly people
+    And walk, as dawn begins,
+  From steeple unto distant steeple,
+    And paint the signs of inns.
+
+  _The Dragon_, as I'd see him, is
+    A loving beast and long,
+  And oh, the _Goat and Compasses_,
+    'Twould fill my soul with song;
+  _The Bell_, _The Bull_, _The Rose and Rummer_,
+    Such themes should like me still
+  At Yule, or when the heart of Summer
+    Lies blue on vale and hill.
+
+  Let others' blazonry find place
+    Supported, scrolled with gold,
+  A glowing dignity and grace
+    On honoured walls and old;
+  And let it likewise be attended
+    In stately circumstance
+  With mottos writ o' Latin splendid
+    Or courtly words of France;
+
+  But I would paint _The Golden Tun_
+    And others to my mind,
+  And mellow them in rain and sun,
+    And hang them on the wind;
+  And I would say, "My handcraft creaking
+    On this autumnal gale
+  Unto all wayfarers is speaking
+    In praise of rest and ale."
+
+  Then bless the man who puts a sign
+    Above his wide door's beam,
+  And bless the hop-root, fruit and vine,
+    For still I dream my dream,
+  Where, as the flushing East turns pinker
+    And tardy day begins,
+  I take the road like any tinker
+    And paint the signs of inns.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "INSTANT DEMAND FOR WARNINGS.
+
+    "MAYORS OF LONDON MOVING."
+
+    _Evening News_.
+
+They ought to set a better example.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Certain people seem to have misread the statement last week
+    that flour would be reduced 1s. 11/2d. that flour would be
+    reduced to 1s. 11/2d. but that that that flour would be reduced
+    to 1s. 111/2d. but that amount or somewhere about it would be
+    taken off the former price."--_Rossendale Free Press_.
+
+There ought to be no misunderstanding after this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At such close quarters were attackers and attacked that to
+    have used grenades would manifestly have been equally dangerous
+    to both. So, after a brief pause to collect the means, our men
+    began to pelt the Huns with bottles filled with water. Apparently
+    the enemy thought this was some new form of 'frightfulness,'
+    for they speedily threw down their arms and tossed up their
+    hands."--_Daily Telegraph_.
+
+Our contemporary, while rightly applauding the resourcefulness of our
+bombers, might have given the Germans credit for their remarkable feat
+of acrobacy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR SERVICES RENDERED.
+
+If ever, in a railing mood, I have unjustly aspersed the Army; if,
+by reason of deferred pay, over-diluted stew, or leave adjourned, I
+have accused the Powers That Be of a step-motherly indifference to
+my welfare, I hereby withdraw unreservedly all such aspersions and
+accusations. For since my discharge tokens of kindly interest and
+affection have reached me in such rapid succession that I am kept
+wondering what the next will be. With a quarter of a million men in
+his care (as I suppose, since my number was 256801), my fatherly
+Record Officer has yet time for frequent correspondence with "crocks"
+like me. He registers all his letters; he makes his instructions so
+plain that a very suckling might understand them; he takes every
+precaution lest, in the press of business, I should be overlooked.
+
+I had been at home about a week when his first communication
+arrived--an unexpected windfall purporting to represent the balance of
+my pay and allowances. The method of computation would probably have
+transcended my intelligence if it had been indicated; but there was no
+attempt at explanation, nor did I desire it. I stamped and signed the
+receipt form according to unmistakable directions, and returned it to
+Headquarters. A few days later certain arrears of Separation Allowance
+came to hand--arrears whose existence our own unaided sagacity would
+never have revealed. Guided by an illustrative diagram we signed
+the receipt in due form and returned it. Before we had ceased
+congratulating ourselves on these accessions, yet another instalment
+of pay was delivered, with form of receipt as in the previous case.
+We were almost convinced that the country cottage and the leisured
+ease of our dreams were within our grasp, but the well ran dry at
+that point. Some of my balance may yet lurk in the coffers of the
+Paymaster, but I dare not throw off the yoke of my bondage on the
+strength of a bare possibility.
+
+After a brief interval, Records returned to the charge with a bulky
+envelope containing matter of great interest. One of the enclosures
+certified that, for the term of three months, I was transferred to
+Class W.P., Army Reserve. I made various conjectures as to the meaning
+of "W," and so did Cinderella. On the whole we favoured "Warrior,"
+but perhaps we were wrong. At all events, the interpretation of "P"
+was clearly set forth by another document, which explained that I was
+entitled to a pension of eight shillings and threepence per week so
+long as I remained among the happy W.P.'s. There was also an identity
+certificate, whereon some clergyman, magistrate or policeman must
+attest that I was alive when I brought it to him, and a form of
+receipt for all the papers in the batch. I signed it according to
+instructions and returned it to Headquarters.
+
+The identity certificate went back to a specified address, where
+it set in motion machinery by which my pension paper was presently
+delivered to me--accompanied by a form of receipt. This paper was
+covered with mystic circles, whose meaning I discovered when I
+presented myself at the post-office. They were apparently intended to
+appease the presiding divinity by gratifying her passion for stamping
+things. She hit my paper accurately in four of its rings, and then,
+with a pleased smile, handed me thirty-three shillings.
+
+Meanwhile Records had stirred up a benevolent neighbour to call upon
+me. He belonged to an organisation for assisting discharged soldiers;
+he was Opportunity in person for anyone who might need him; but,
+as Cinderella explained, I was at that moment engaged upon work of
+national importance and could not claim his help. Nevertheless she
+thanked the gentleman and placed the incident to the credit of the
+Powers That Be.
+
+No acknowledgment was required for this visit; but a week later my war
+services' badge was delivered per registered post, and I confessed the
+fact both on the usual green slip and on the form of receipt which was
+enclosed. Henceforth I was able to appear in public with an outward
+and visible sign of the ferocity which underlies my demeanour, and my
+most lurid tales had a substantial witness.
+
+Two months went by, during which the O. i/c Records made no further
+additions to our postbag. There are mornings when your friends appear
+to have forgotten you, when a Levitical postman bangs your neighbour's
+gate mockingly and forthwith crosses the street. On such mornings
+our thoughts may have turned to Records with a certain yearning; but
+mainly we felt his care like the air about us, and had no need that it
+should materialise in idle correspondence.
+
+At last my term of probation came to an end. In response to a
+note from Records (with form for receipt) I returned my Transfer
+Certificate and received in its place my final Discharge Papers--with
+a form for receipt. At the same time I heard that the Commissioners
+were in earnest consultation as to the continuance of my pension.
+
+Thus goodness and loving-kindness have followed me ever since I handed
+in the uniform. To this day I am the subject of anxious consideration.
+Not a week ago the early post brought me my character. Imagine the
+incessant parental watchfulness of an authority which can testify
+concerning one two hundred and fifty thousandth of its charge that
+he is "a good soldier, willing and industrious, honest, sober,
+trustworthy and well-conducted." Think of the kindly interest which
+prompted the O. i/c Records to insert a form of receipt--"to guard
+against impersonation." My character might have got into base hands;
+some unworthy person might have gone about professing to possess that
+willingness, that industry, that sobriety, that trustworthiness and
+that elegance of conduct which are mine alone; but the form of receipt
+would baffle him. I cannot explain how, but Records knows.
+
+What is yet in store for me the future bides; but this I know: while
+England endures and Records continues to record, I shall not walk
+alone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady farm-help, being shown her new duties, notices
+fowls having dust-bath._ "DEAR ME! I EXPECT THEY'LL WANT WASHING EVERY
+NIGHT BEFORE I PUT THEM TO ROOST. I'D NO IDEA FOWLS WERE SUCH DIRTY
+THINGS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Aunty (wishing to be sympathetic)_. "I'M GLAD TO HEAR
+YOU'VE GOT YOUR SEA-LEGS, JACK, AND I HOPE YOUR FRIEND IS GETTING ON
+EQUALLY WELL AND HAS GOT HIS TRENCH-FEET."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PURE ENGLISH.
+
+    [A writer in _The Daily Express_ has been discussing the
+    questions where and by whom the purest English is spoken
+    and written, and pronounces strongly in favour of East
+    Anglia, FITZGERALD, BORROW and Mr. CONRAD.]
+
+      Once more 'tis discussed
+      What guides we should trust
+  If we wish to write prose to perfection;
+      Is it BORROW or "FITZ,"
+      _The Times_ or _Tit Bits_?
+  And how should we make our selection?
+
+      Once on NEWMAN and FROUDE
+      We were bidden to brood
+  If we aimed at distinction and purity;
+      And, when we escaped
+      From their influence, aped
+  GEORGE MEREDITH'S vivid obscurity.
+
+      The remarkable style
+      Of old THOMAS CARLYLE
+  Found many a lover and hater;
+      And precious young men
+      Who made play with the pen
+  Were devoted disciples of PATER.
+
+      But these idols we've burned
+      And have latterly learned
+  That "distinction"'s an utter delusion;
+      For if you would aim
+      At a popular fame
+  You must cultivate "vim" or effusion.
+
+      JOSEPH CONRAD (a Pole)
+      Some place on the whole
+  At the top of the tree for his diction;
+      But his style, I opine,
+      Is a little too fine
+  For the average reader of fiction.
+
+      If you can't be a WELLS,
+      Or aspire to Miss DELL'S
+  Impassioned and fervid variety,
+      You still may attain
+      To CHARLES GARVICE'S strain
+  And leaven Romance with propriety.
+
+      For democracy shies
+      At the artist who tries
+  To express himself subtly or darkly;
+      And the man in the street
+      In a fair plebiscite
+  Would probably crown Mrs. BARCLAY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from a sermon:--
+
+    "We meet here to-day under circumstances which are not
+    ordinary ... We seem to hear 'the sound of a gong in
+    the tops of the mulberry trees.'"--_The Record_.
+
+This must be some air-raid warning by the rural police.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "On the roads near by 'a Verdun' signposts have been
+    replaced by new ones reading 'A Glorieux Verdun.' The
+    name of France herself might well be altered to
+    'Glorieux France.'"--_Canadian Paper_.
+
+_Vive le France!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a report of the British Cotton-growing Association:--
+
+    "The negotiations with the Government for the development
+    of the irritation scheme for the Gezira plain are still
+    under consideration."--_The Field_.
+
+We trust we shall hear no more of this vexatious project.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  A lodging-house keeper at Whitby
+  Saw a couple of Zeppelins flit by;
+    Though she felt a sharp sting,
+    It's a curious thing
+  That she never knew which she was hit by.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "War conditions have given occasion in Germany for the study
+    of an oedema disease (swelling) unknown in peace times. Among
+    the civil population it has been generally located in the feet
+    and legs, and in more than one-half of the cases studied some
+    degree of facial swelling was present."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+This last symptom is especially noticeable in the case of the KAISER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Prior to the meeting [of the Irish Convention] in Cork the
+    members of the secretariat attended in Sir Horace Plunkett's
+    private room, and presented him with a solid ivory chairman's
+    mantle."--_Dublin Evening Mail_.
+
+But we are glad to state that the proceedings were quite orderly, and
+that the Chairman did not need this protective garment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOING BACK.
+
+"In these days," I began, but Francesca interrupted me.
+
+"When anyone starts like that," she said, "I know he's going to make
+the War an excuse for doing something rather more paltry than usual."
+
+"'Paltry' is not," I said, "a very nice word."
+
+"I'll take the phrase back and substitute 'rather less noble and
+generous.'"
+
+"Yes, I like that better. I'll pass it in that form as your comment on
+what you haven't yet allowed me to say."
+
+"Quick," she said; "what was it? Don't leave me in suspense."
+
+"In these days," I said, "one mustn't spend too much on railway
+companies."
+
+"True," she said. "I'm with you there in these or any other days."
+
+"And therefore," I continued, "it will be quite enough if one of us
+accompanies Frederick, our lively ten-year-old, to begin his second
+term at school. There is no necessity whatever for both of us to go
+with him."
+
+"Hear, hear!" said Francesca; "your idea is better than I thought. I
+will go with Frederick and you can stay at home and look after the
+girls."
+
+"No," I said firmly, "I will take Frederick, and you must remain
+behind and keep an eye on Muriel, Nina and Alice."
+
+"No," she said.
+
+"Yes," I said; "my eye's not good enough for the job; it hasn't been
+trained for it. I should be sure to mislay one of the girls, and then
+you'd never forgive yourself for having put upon me a burden greater
+than I could bear. Besides," I added, "goings back to school are in
+the man's department, with football, cricket, boxing and things of
+that kind."
+
+"And what," she said scornfully, "are you graciously pleased to leave
+in my department?"
+
+"Oh, I thought you knew. I leave to you table-manners, tidiness
+(that's a tough one), hand-washing (that's a tougher), reading aloud
+from Kipling and tucking him up in bed."
+
+"Quite a good list, if by no means a complete one; but in these days
+one mustn't be too critical. Anyhow it proves that I must take the boy
+back to school."
+
+"It proves just the contrary."
+
+"No," she said, "it proves what ought to be there by leaving it out."
+
+"That," I said, "is a record even for you, Francesca."
+
+"Well, it's logical anyway. How, for instance, could you talk to
+the Matron? You'd be utterly lost before you'd been at it for half
+a minute."
+
+"Don't you worry about that," I said. "I have accomplishments of which
+you don't seem to be aware, and one of them is talking to Matrons at
+preparatory schools."
+
+"Anyhow, you're not going to have a chance of showing it off this
+time, _because I am going to take the boy back to school_. That's
+final."
+
+It was, and in due time Francesca took the boy back. Her account of
+the farewell moments was not without a certain amount of pathos,
+several other mothers and their boys being involved in the valedictory
+scene. Four or five days afterwards, however, we received the
+following letter, which put to flight any idea that Frederick might be
+pining:--
+
+"I am very happy this term, and I am getting on fairly well in my
+work. I like football much better than cricket. I have three or four
+times just not got a goal, once it was when I kicked into goal the
+goalkeeper (3 st. 4 lb.!) rushed out and kicked it away, and once when
+we were playing Blues and Reds, and I was on the Blue side, and I
+managed by good luck to get through a crowd of shouting Reds and
+followed it up amidst shouts from the Blues and shot it to the Red
+goal; but the goalkeeper (a different one) came out and hit it away,
+at which I twisted my knee and collapsed (not with pain, because it
+wasn't anything, but with anger and _desparation!_) Am I to learn
+boxing this term? I am sorry to hear the hens are not behaving well."
+
+I should like to have seen the bold goalkeeper of 3 st. 4 lb. It is a
+proud weight.
+
+R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+YESTERDAY IN OXFORD STREET.
+
+  Yesterday in Oxford Street, oh, what d'you think, my dears?
+  I had the most exciting time I've had for years and years;
+  The buildings looked so straight and tall, the sky was blue between,
+  And, riding on a motor-bus, I saw the fairy queen!
+
+  Sitting there upon the rail and bobbing up and down,
+  The sun was shining on her wings and on her golden crown;
+  And looking at the shops she was, the pretty silks and lace--
+  She seemed to think that Oxford Street was quite a lovely place.
+
+  And once she turned and looked at me and waved her little hand,
+  But I could only glare and stare, oh, would she understand?
+  I simply couldn't speak at all, I simply couldn't stir,
+  And all the rest of Oxford Street was just a shining blur.
+
+  Then suddenly she shook her wings--a bird had fluttered by--
+  And down into the street she looked and up into the sky,
+  And perching on the railing on a tiny fairy toe
+  She flashed away so quickly that I hardly saw her go.
+
+  I never saw her any more, although I looked all day;
+  Perhaps she only came to peep and never meant to stay;
+  But oh, my dears, just think of it, just think what luck for me
+  That she should come to Oxford Street and I be there to see!
+
+R. F.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LIGHT ON THE SITUATION.
+
+    "Dr. Michaelis is the trusted no-hold-out until their plans
+    of annexation have been carried out, and they always receive
+    a gracious telegram in reply. So he who cares to hear knows
+    what the hour is striking."--_Egyptian Mail_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOURNALISTIC HUMILITY.
+
+    "Two years ago The Daily Mail begged our sluggish authorities
+    to study the question of daylight air-raids as well as night
+    attacks. We pointed out their risk; we asked that the best
+    means of meeting them should be considered and the best method
+    of warning the public investigated. The result was that nothing
+    was done."--_Daily Mail_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Of old was it written that they who taketh up the sword shall
+    perish by the sword, and the written word remaineth."--_The
+    Daily Mirror_.
+
+But it hath been a little damaged in the interval.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It may be estimated the Germans opposing our troops represented
+    an average concentration of more than four men to every yard of
+    front."--_Liverpool Echo_.
+
+Never could it have been done with four pre-war Germans!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Up to July 26 1,559 lists had been issued officially of German
+    casualties. Each list contained 19,802 pages of three columns
+    per page, and each column contained between 80 and 90 names of
+    dead, wounded, and missing officers and men--a total of nearly
+    6,000,000."--_Daily Sketch_.
+
+We trust our spirited contemporary has not joined the Hide-the-Truth
+Press, for we make the sum approximately 7,872,186,090.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Gentleman (to father of conscientious
+objector)._ "BUT SUPPOSING A GERMAN WAS GOING FOR YOUR SON WITH A
+BAYONET--WOULDN'T HE GO FOR THE GERMAN?"
+
+_Father of C.O._ "AY! I DOUBT HE'D SAY SUMMAT. 'E'S GOT A SHARP TONGUE
+WHEN 'E'S VEXED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS_.)
+
+I think I prefer Mr. WELLS'S recent essay in the Newest Theology to
+this too concrete illustration of _The Soul of a Bishop_ (CASSELL).
+It's not that I object to the irreverence of stripping a poor tired
+bishop of cassock and gaiters, pursuing him to a sleepless bed and
+cinematographing all his physical twistings and turnings, his moral
+misgivings, his torturing doubts. I owe too much to Mr. WELLS'
+irreverences to mind that sort of thing; and I must say that, for a
+man who can't have had very much to do with the episcopacy in his
+busy life, he does manage to give a confoundedly plausible atmosphere
+to the whole setting. There are two letters from an older bishop to
+_Dr. Scrope_, the one, yieldingly tolerant, to dissuade him from
+resignation, the other, written after the accomplished fact, with
+touches of exquisitely restrained yet palpable malice, which strike
+me as masterly projections. Mr. WELLS also contrives a wonderful
+impressiveness in certain passages of the bishop's three visions. But
+I can't, even after careful re-reading, see the point of making the
+bishop's enlightenment depend upon a mysterious drug. This has an
+effect of impishness. There is nothing in _Dr. Scrope's_ development
+that might not have taken place without this fantastic assistance....
+I suppose the general suggestion of this rather wayward and hasty but
+conspicuously sincere book is, that if only an occasional bishop would
+secede it would make it easier for the plain man to listen to the
+rest. And there may be something in this.
+
+To those who are in love with Mr. W.J. LOCKE'S incurable romanticism
+or who have a taste for heroines that "stiffen in a sudden stroke
+of passion looking for the instant electrically beautiful," let me
+commend _The Red Planet_ (LANE). As a matter of fact _Betty_, the
+heroine, is quite a dear, and the narrator, _Major Meredyth_, a maimed
+hero of the Boer War, who looks at this one from the tragic angle of
+an invalid chair, is, apart from a habit of petulant and not very
+profound grousing at Governments in _The Daily Rail_ manner, a sport
+who thoroughly deserves the reward of poor widowed _Betty's_ hand
+on the last page but one. Perhaps he does not show a very ready
+understanding of the phenomenon of physical cowardice in the case of a
+brother-officer, though later he makes amends. But I take it that it
+was Mr. LOCKE'S idea to present a very ordinary decent sort with the
+common man's prejudices and frank distrust of subtleties. A sinister
+mystery of love, death and blackmail runs, a turbid undercurrent,
+through the story. The publisher's pathetic apology for the drab grey
+paper on which, in the interests of War Economy, the book is printed,
+makes one wonder how the other publishers who still issue books in
+black and white manage to live.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Of the literary reputations that the War has, so to speak, dug in, I
+suppose none to be more firmly consolidated than that of Mr. PATRICK
+MACGILL. The newest of his several battle-books is _The Brown
+Brethren_ (JENKINS), a title derived from the campaigning colour
+that has amended a popular quotation till it should now read "the
+thin brown line of heroes." I can hardly tell you anything about
+Mr. MACGILL'S new book that you have not probably read or said for
+yourself of the previous volumes. For my own part, if the War is to
+be written about at all (a question concerning which I preserve an
+open mind), I say let it be, as here, the real thing, and the hotter
+and stronger the better. There is rough humour in these sketches of
+soldier types, and just enough story to thread them together; but it
+is the fighting that counts. Certain chapters, for example that about
+_Benner's_ struggle with the Hun sniper, seem to leave one bruised and
+breathless as from personal conflict. Mr. MACGILL writes about war as
+he knows it, horribly, in a way that carries conviction like a charge
+of bayonets, and with an entire disregard of the sensibilities of the
+stay-at-home reader. For all which reasons _The Brown Brethren_ and
+their French friends are assured of the success that they certainly
+deserve. Here's wishing them the best of it!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _The Sentence of the Court_ (WARD, LOCK) Mr. FRED M. WHITE
+contrives effectively to entangle our interest in one of those webs of
+facile intrigue from which the reader escapes only at the last line of
+the last page, muttering at he lays the volume down and observes with
+concern that it is 2.30 A.M., "What rot!" The title of the story is
+misleading. There is no Court, and nobody is sentenced, though the
+eminent specialist of Harley Street who essays the _role_ of villain
+richly deserves to be. However, as he is left a bankrupt, discredited
+in his practice and detached from the heroine whom he had sworn to
+appropriate, it would perhaps be straining a point to cavil at his
+remaining at large. The idea upon which the story is based, and which
+enables the author to clothe his characters and their actions with
+bewildering mystery, is essentially good and, I believe, new, though
+far be it from me to do either Mr. WHITE or the reader the disservice
+of saying what it is. Suffice that we are introduced to some quite
+charming people, as well as two extremely unpleasant ones, and if the
+web of mystery is held together in places by a somewhat generous share
+of obtuseness on the part of the persons concerned it is not for us to
+complain, since we become aware of the defect only after the affair is
+over.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Apart from the greater complaint that I do not like her subject, which
+probably is entirely my own fault, I have nothing but praise for Mrs.
+STANLEY WRENCH'S latest volume, _Beat_ (DUCKWORTH), except as regards
+her amazing fondness for drooping the corners of her characters'
+mouths, generally either "wistfully" or "sullenly." It only made one
+annoyed when _Beatrix's_ unpleasant sisters developed the trick,
+but when poor little _Beat_ herself was affected that way, in spite
+of the magnificent courage with which she faced the burden of
+deputy-motherhood, it made one miserable as well. The task she had
+undertaken was a prodigious one, for the sisters she had to rear
+were, you must understand, vexed with sex instincts of the type of
+the modern novel, and so in a large measure she failed, even though
+she sacrificed strength, happiness and even her own love-story in
+the effort to keep them straight. The tale is set out with every
+circumstance of sordid misery, in which the spiritual beauty of
+the heroine is meant to shine, and undeniably does shine with
+real strength and purity. The successive deaths of the mother and
+step-mother, the shabby London lodgings, the fall of _Veronica_, the
+selfishness of _Beat's_ boy-friend, and the loathsome trade of her
+lover--these, and more horrors and lapses beside, are all taxed for
+the general effect in so able and vivid a fashion that the authoress
+succeeds to admiration in making her readers nearly as uncomfortable
+as her characters, long before the climax is reached. The end comes
+rather less wretchedly than could have been expected, but even so
+surely this is genius partly run to seed. The greatest tragedies are
+not written in these minor keys. _Beat_, woman and heroine, is so
+admirable that one fain would know her apart from all this unredeemed
+welter of sex and selfishness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I confess I should have thought that the fictional possibilities
+of being as like as two peas to Royalty were fairly exhausted. But
+apparently Mr. EDGAR JEPSON does not share this view; and it is only
+fair to admit that in _The Professional Prince_ (HUTCHINSON) he has
+contrived to give a novel twist to the already well laboured theme.
+_Prince Richard_ (precise nationality unstated) was so bored with
+the common round of his exalted duties that, hearing of a convenient
+double, he engages him, at four hundred a year and pickings, to
+represent him at dull functions, and incidentally to pay the requisite
+attentions to the young woman, reported by photograph as depressingly
+plain, whom political considerations have marked as the _Prince's
+fiancee_. When later one of the characters points out to His Highness
+that this conduct showed some lapse from the finer ideals of taste, I
+am bound to say that I could find no words of contradiction. However
+the originality arrives when _John Stuart_, the deputy, instead of
+falling in love with the bride-elect in Ruritanian fashion, develops
+a marked liking for the prosaic side of his job, and insists upon
+lecturing his supposed relations upon the political crisis of the
+moment. Capital fun this. When the _fiancee_ in her turn proved wholly
+different from the photograph I permitted myself to hope that we
+were in for a double masquerade--but this was to expect too much.
+Still, Mr. JEPSON has handled his wildly-preposterous plot with
+great verve; and even if the central situation is one that has been
+often encountered before, this only proves again that HOPE springs
+eternal.... But I wish he had avoided the War.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Manager of Automatic Dreadnought Pianofortissimo
+Company (enthusiastically to Literary Gentleman who has written a
+moving appeal to the public in favour of the Company's goods)._ "MY
+DEAR SIR, THIS IS MAGNIFICENT. IT ALMOST MAKES ME DECIDE TO BUY ONE
+OF THE THINGS FOR MYSELF."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WHERE MY CARAVAN HAS RESTED."
+
+    "Wanted, modern Detached Villa Residence, inside tram
+    lines."--_Northern Whig_.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+153, OCT. 3, 1917***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 10711.txt or 10711.zip *******
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