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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153,
+Sept. 5, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Sept. 5, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 6, 2004  [eBook #10614]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: iso-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 153, SEPT. 5, 1917***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari,
+William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading
+Team
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 153.
+
+SEPTEMBER 5, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+The Kaiser has again visited the High Seas Fleet in security at
+Wilhelmshaven. Enthusiastic applause greeted the brief speech in which
+he urged them "to stick to it."
+
+       ***
+
+There is no truth in the rumour that one of the recently escaped Huns
+got away disguised as Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD.
+
+       ***
+
+Some commotion was caused in the Strand last week when a policeman
+accused a man of whistling for a taxi-cab. Later, however, the
+policeman accepted the gentleman's plea that he was not whistling, but
+that was his natural face.
+
+       ***
+
+From the latest reports from Dover we gather that this year the
+Channel has decided to swim Great Britain.
+
+       ***
+
+As a result of the excessive rain a nigger troupe at Margate were seen
+to pale visibly.
+
+       ***
+
+Fortunately for the Americans there is one man who will stand by them
+in their hour of trouble. According to a Spanish news message Mr. JACK
+JOHNSON has decided not to return to America.
+
+       ***
+
+Owing to the scarcity of matches we understand that many smokers now
+adopt the plan of waiting for the fire-engine to turn out and then
+proceed to the conflagration to get a light.
+
+       ***
+
+A catfish has been caught at Hastings. It died worth a lady's gold
+bracelet and a small pocket-knife.
+
+       ***
+
+The Norwegian explorer, ROALD AMUNDSEN, is preparing for a trip to the
+North Pole in 1918. Additional interest now attaches to this spot as
+being the only territory whose neutrality the Germans have omitted to
+violate.
+
+       ***
+
+Russian tea is being sold in London at 12s. 7d. a pound. It is
+remarkable that, with the country in its present disorganised
+condition, the Russian merchants can still hold their own without the
+assistance of a Food Controller.
+
+       ***
+
+A room for quick luncheons, not to cost more than 1s. 3d., has been
+opened in Northumberland Avenue for busy Government officials. It is
+hoped eventually to provide room to enable a few other people to join
+the GEDDES family at their mid-day meal.
+
+       ***
+
+KING CONSTANTINE, says a despatch, has rented an expensive villa
+overlooking Lake Zurich. Just the thing for an ex-pensive monarch.
+
+       ***
+
+We are requested to say that the man named Smith, charged at Bow
+Police Court the other day, is in no way connected with the other Mr.
+Smiths.
+
+       ***
+
+At a vegetable show at Godalming, 5,780 dead butterflies were
+exhibited by children. It is understood that the pacifists are
+protesting against this encouragement of the martial spirit among
+the young.
+
+       ***
+
+Considerable annoyance has been caused in Government circles by the
+announcement that "at last the War Office has been aroused." Officials
+there, however, deny the accusation.
+
+       ***
+
+The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER has received four hundred pounds from
+an anonymous donor towards the cost of the War. The donor, it appears,
+omitted to specify which part of the War he would like to pay for.
+
+       ***
+
+Germany has at last addressed a reply to the Argentine Republic,
+pointing out that strict orders have been issued to U-boat commanders
+that ships flying the Argentine flag must always be torpedoed by
+accident.
+
+       ***
+
+Mammoth marrows have been reported from several districts, and it is
+now rumoured that Sir DOUGLAS HAIG is busy developing a giant squash.
+
+       ***
+
+An official report states that there are three hundred and forty-three
+ice-cream shops in Wandsworth. Unfortunately this is not the only
+indication of an early winter.
+
+       ***
+
+A potato closely resembling the German CROWN PRINCE has been dug up
+at Reading. This is very good for a beginning, but our amateur
+potato-growers must produce a HINDENBURG if we are to win the War.
+
+       ***
+
+A woman walked into a shop at Cuckfield and settled a bill sent to her
+twenty-four years ago, but it is not stated whether she was really
+able to obtain any sugar.
+
+       ***
+
+The R.S.P.C.A. grows more and more alert. A man who hid three and a
+half pounds of stolen margarine in his horse's nose-bag has just been
+fined five pounds.
+
+       ***
+
+"Dogs," says the Acton magistrate, "are not allowed to bite people
+they dislike." All the same there have been times when we have felt
+that it would have been an act of supererogation to explain to the
+postman that our dog was really attached to him.
+
+       ***
+
+A taxi-cab driver has been fined two pounds for using abusive
+language to a policeman. Only his explanation, that he thought he was
+addressing a fare, saved him from a heavier penalty.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Doctor_. "YOUR THROAT IS IN A VERY BAD STATE. HAVE
+YOU EVER TRIED GARGLING WITH SALT WATER?"
+
+ _Skipper_. "YUS, I'VE BEEN TORPEDOED SIX TIMES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WAR BARGAIN.
+
+    "BRIGHTON.--A small General for Sale through old age. No
+    reasonable offer refused."--_West Sussex Gazette_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "An enormous burden of detail is thus taken off the shareholders
+    of the Munitions Minister."--_Liverpool Daily Post_.
+
+This will strengthen the belief that Mr. CHURCHILL is not a man but a
+syndicate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "From that successful German campaign sprang the United Terrific
+    Peoples--the Modern German Empire."--_Nigerian Pioneer_.
+
+The author wrote "Teutonic Peoples," but the native compositor thought
+he knew better--and perhaps he did.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONE STAR.
+
+
+Occasionally I receive letters from friends whom I have not seen
+lately addressed to Lieutenant M---- and apologising prettily inside
+in case I am by now a colonel; in drawing-rooms I am sometimes called
+"Captain-er"; and up at the Fort the other day a sentry of the Royal
+Defence Corps, wearing the Créçy medal, mistook me for a Major,
+and presented crossbows to me. This is all wrong. As Mr. GARVIN
+well points out, it is important that we should not have a false
+perspective of the War. Let me, then, make it perfectly plain--I am a
+Second Lieutenant.
+
+When I first became a Second Lieutenant I was rather proud. I was a
+Second Lieutenant "on probation." On my right sleeve I wore a single
+star. So:
+
+     *
+(on probation, of course).
+
+On my left sleeve I wore another star. So:
+
+     *
+(also on probation).
+
+They were good stars, none better in the service; and as we didn't
+like the sound of "on probation" Celia put a few stitches in them to
+make them more permanent. This proved effective. Six months later
+I had a very pleasant note from the KING telling me that the days
+of probation were now over, and making it clear that he and I were
+friends.
+
+I was now a real Second Lieutenant. On my right sleeve I had a single
+star. Thus:
+
+     *
+(not on probation).
+
+On my left sleeve I also had a single star. In this manner:
+
+     *
+
+This star also was now a fixed one.
+
+From that time forward my thoughts dwelt naturally on promotion. There
+were exalted persons in the regiment called Lieutenants. They had two
+stars on each sleeve. So:
+
+     * *
+
+I decided to become a Lieutenant.
+
+Promotion in our regiment was difficult. After giving the matter every
+consideration I came to the conclusion that the only way to win my
+second star was to save the Colonel's life. I used to follow him about
+affectionately in the hope that be would fall into the sea. He was a
+big strong man and a powerful swimmer, but once in the water it would
+not be difficult to cling round his neck and give an impression that I
+was rescuing him. However, he refused to fall in. I fancy that he wore
+somebody's Military Soles which prevent slipping.
+
+Years rolled on. I used to look at my stars sometimes, one on each
+sleeve; they seemed very lonely. At times they came close together;
+but at other times, as, for instance, when I was semaphoring, they
+were very far apart. To prevent these occasional separations Celia
+took them off my sleeves and put them on my shoulders. One on each
+shoulder. So:
+
+     *
+
+And so:
+
+     *
+
+There they stayed.
+
+And more years rolled on.
+
+One day Celia came to me in great excitement.
+
+"Have you seen this in the paper about promotion?" she said eagerly.
+
+"No; what is it?" I asked. "Are they making more generals?"
+
+"I don't know about generals; it's Second Lieutenants being
+Lieutenants."
+
+"You're joking on a very grave subject," I said seriously. "You can't
+expect to win the War if you go on like that."
+
+"Well, you read it," she said, handing me the paper. "It's a committee
+of Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL'S."
+
+I took the paper with a trembling hand, and read. She was right! If
+the paper was to be believed, all Second Lieutenants were to become
+Lieutenants after eighteen years' service. At last my chance had come.
+
+"My dear, this is wonderful," I said. "In another fifteen years we
+shall be nearly there. You might buy two more stars this afternoon and
+practise sewing them on, in order to be ready. You mustn't be taken by
+surprise when the actual moment comes."
+
+"But you're a Lieutenant _now_," she said, "if that's true. It says
+that 'after eighteen months--'"
+
+I snatched up the paper again. Good Heavens! it was eighteen
+_months_--not years.
+
+"Then I _am_ a Lieutenant," I said.
+
+We had a bottle of champagne for dinner that night, and Celia got the
+paper and read it aloud to my tunic. And just for practice she took
+the two stars off my other tunic and sewed them on this one--thus:
+
+     **        **
+
+And we had a very happy evening.
+
+"I suppose it will be a few days before it's officially announced," I
+said.
+
+"Bother, I suppose it will," said Celia, and very reluctantly she took
+one star off each shoulder, leaving the matter--so:
+
+     *        *
+
+And the months rolled on.
+
+And I am still a Second Lieutenant ...
+
+I do not complain; indeed I am even rather proud of it. If I am not
+gaining on my original one star, at least I am keeping pace with it. I
+might so easily have been a corporal by now.
+
+But I should like to have seen a little more notice taken of me in the
+_Gazette_. I scan it every day, hoping for some such announcement as
+this:
+
+"_Second Lieutenant M---- to remain a Second Lieutenant._"
+
+Or this:
+
+"_Second Lieutenant M---- to be seconded and to retain his present
+rank of Second Lieutenant._"
+
+Or even this:
+
+"_Second Lieutenant M---- relinquishes the rank of Acting Second
+Lieutenant on ceasing to command a Battalion, and reverts to the rank
+of Second Lieutenant._"
+
+Failing this, I have thought sometimes of making an announcement in
+the Personal Column of _The Times_:
+
+"Second Lieutenant M---- regrets that his duties as a Second
+Lieutenant prevent him from replying personally to the many kind
+inquiries he has received, and begs to take this opportunity of
+announcing that he still retains a star on each shoulder. Both doing
+well."
+
+But perhaps that is unnecessary now. I think that by this time I have
+made it clear just how many stars I possess.
+
+One on the right shoulder. So:
+
+     *
+
+And one on the left shoulder. So:
+
+     *
+
+That is all.
+
+A.A.M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE FOUNTAIN.
+
+  Upon the terrace where I play
+  A little fountain sings all day
+          A tiny tune:
+  It leaps and prances in the air--
+  I saw a little fairy there
+          This afternoon.
+
+  The jumping fountain never stops--
+  He sat upon the highest drops
+          And bobbed about.
+  His legs were waving in the sun,
+  He seemed to think it splendid fun,
+          I heard him shout.
+
+  The sparrows watched him from a tree,
+  A robin bustled up to see
+          Along the path:
+  I thought my wishing-bone would break,
+  I wished so much that I could take
+          A fairy bath.
+
+  R.F.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "LIBRARY NOTES.
+
+    "Mr. Buttling Sees It Thru, H.G. Wells."
+    --_Citronelle Call_ (_Alabama, U.S.A._).
+
+Rumours that Mr. WELLS is a convert to the "nu speling" may now be
+safely contradicted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "KEEP THE HOME FIRES BURNING."
+
+SOLO BY OUR OPTIMISTIC PREMIER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MUD LARKS.
+
+I am living at present in one of those villages in which the
+retreating Hun has left no stone unturned. With characteristic
+thoroughness he fired it first, then blew it up, and has been shelling
+it ever since. What with one thing and another, it is in an advanced
+state of dilapidation; in fact, if it were not that one has the map's
+word for it, and a notice perched on a heap of brick-dust saying that
+the Town Major may be found within, the casual wayfarer might imagine
+himself in the Sahara, Kalahari, or the south end of Kingsway.
+
+Some of these French towns are very difficult to recognise as such;
+only the trained detective can do it. A certain Irish Regiment was
+presented with the job of capturing one. The scheme was roughly this.
+They were to climb the parapet at 5.25 A.M. and rush a quarry some one
+hundred yards distant. After half-an-hour's breather they were to go
+on to some machine-gun emplacements, dispose of these, wait a further
+twenty minutes, and then take the town. Distance barely one thousand
+yards in all. Promptly at zero the whole field spilled over the bags,
+as the field spills over the big double at Punchestown, paused at the
+quarry only long enough to change feet on the top, and charged yelling
+at the machine guns. Then being still full of fun and _joie de vivre_,
+and having no officers left to hamper their fine flowing style, they
+ducked through their own barrage and raced all out for the final
+objective. Twenty minutes later, two miles further on, one perspiring
+private turned to his panting chum, "For the love of God, Mike, aren't
+we getting in the near of this damn town yet?"
+
+I have a vast respect for HINDENBURG (a man who can drink the mixtures
+he does, and still sit up and smile sunnily into the jaws of a
+camera ten times a day, is worthy of anybody's veneration) but if he
+thought that by blowing these poor little French villages into small
+smithereens he would deprive the B.E.F. of headcover and cause it to
+catch cold and trot home to mother, he will have to sit up late and
+do some more thinking. For Atkins of to-day is a knowing bird; he
+can make a little go the whole distance and conjure plenty out of
+nothingness. As for cover, two bricks and his shrapnel hat make a
+very passable pavilion. Goodness knows it would puzzle a guinea-pig
+to render itself inconspicuous in our village, yet I have watched
+battalion after battalion march into it and be halted and dismissed.
+Half an hour later there is not a soul to be seen. They have all gone
+to ground. My groom and countryman went in search of wherewithal to
+build a shelter for the horses. He saw a respectable plank sticking
+out of a heap of débris, laid hold on it and pulled. Then--to quote
+him _verbatim_--"there came a great roarin' from in undernath of it,
+Sor, an' a black divil of an infantryman shoved his head up through
+the bricks an' drew down sivin curses on me for pullin' the roof off
+his house. Then he's afther throwin' a bomb at me, Sor, so I came
+away. Ye wouldn't be knowin' where to put your fut down in this place,
+Sor, for the dhread of treadin' in the belly of an officer an' him
+aslape."
+
+Some people have the bungalow mania and build them _bijoux
+maisonettes_ out of biscuit tins, sacking and what-not, but the
+majority go to ground. I am one of the majority; I go to ground like
+a badger, for experience has taught me that a dug-out--cramped, damp,
+dark though it maybe--cannot be stolen from you while you sleep; that
+is to say, thieves cannot come along in the middle of the night, dig
+it up bodily by the roots and cart it away in a G.S. waggon without
+you, the occupant, being aware that some irregularity is occurring to
+the home. On the other hand, in this country, where the warrior, when
+he falls on sleep suffers a sort of temporary death, bungalows can be
+easily purloined from round about him without his knowledge; and what
+is more, frequently are.
+
+For instance, a certain bungalow in our village was stolen as
+frequently as three times in one night. This was the way of it. One
+Todd, a foot-slogging Lieutenant, foot-slogged into our midst one
+day, borrowed a hole from a local rabbit, and took up his residence
+therein. Now this mud-pushing Todd had a cousin in the same division,
+one of those highly trained specialists who trickles about the country
+shedding coils of barbed wire and calling them "dumps"--a sapper, in
+short. One afternoon the sapping Todd, finding some old sheets of
+corrugated iron that he had neglected to dump, sent them over to his
+gravel-grinding cousin with his love and the request of a loan of a
+dozen of soda. The earth-pounding Todd came out of his hole, gazed
+on the corrugated iron and saw visions, dreamed dreams. He handed
+the hole back to the rabbit and set to work to evolve a bungalow. By
+evening it was complete. He crawled within and went to sleep, slept
+like a drugged dormouse. At 10 P.M. a squadron of the Shetland Ponies
+(for the purpose of deceiving the enemy all names in this article are
+entirely fictitious) made our village. It was drizzling at the time,
+and the Field Officer in charge was getting most of it in the neck.
+He howled for his batman, and told the varlet that if there wasn't a
+drizzle-proof bivouac ready to enfold him by the time he had put the
+ponies to bye-byes there would be no leave for ten years. The batman
+scratched his head, then slid softly away into the night. By the time
+the ponies were tilting the last drops out of their nosebags the
+faithful servant had scratched together a few sheets of corrugated,
+and piled them into a rough shelter. The Major wriggled beneath it
+and was presently putting up a barrage of snores terrible to hear. At
+midnight a battalion of the Loamshire Light Infantry trudged into the
+village. It was raining in solid chunks, and the Colonel Commanding
+looked like Victoria Falls and felt like a submarine. He gave
+expression to his sentiments in a series of spluttering bellows. His
+batman trembled and faded into the darkness _à pas de loup_. By the
+time the old gentleman had halted his command and cursed them "good
+night" his resourceful retainer had found a sheet or two of corrugated
+iron somewhere and assembled them into some sort of bivouac for the
+reception of his lord. His lord fell inside, kicked off his boots and
+slept instantly, slept like a wintering bear.
+
+At 2 A.M. three Canadian privates blundered against our village and
+tripped over it. They had lost their way, were mud from hoofs to
+horns, dead beat, soaked to the skin, chilled to the bone, fed up
+to the back teeth. They were not going any further, neither were
+they going to be deluged to death if there was any cover to be had
+anywhere. They nosed about, and soon discovered a few sheets of
+corrugated iron, bore them privily hence and weathered the night out
+under some logs further down the valley. My batman trod me underfoot
+at seven next morning, "Goin' to be blinkin' murder done in this camp
+presently, Sir," he announced cheerfully. "Three officers went to
+sleep in bivvies larst night, but somebody's souvenired 'em since an'
+they're all lyin' hout in the hopen now, Sir. Their blokes daresent
+wake 'em an' break the noos. All very 'asty-tempered gents, so I'm
+told. The Colonel is pertickler mustard. There'll be some fresh faces
+on the Roll of Honour when 'e comes to."
+
+I turned out and took a look at the scene of impending tragedy. The
+three unconscious officers on three camp-beds were lying out in the
+middle of a sea of mud like three lone islets. Their shuddering
+subordinates were taking cover at long range, whispering among
+themselves and crouching in attitudes of dreadful expectancy like
+men awaiting the explosion of a mine or the cracking of Doom. As
+explosions of those dimensions are liable to be impartial in their
+attentions I took horse and rode afield. But according to my batman,
+who braved it out, the Lieutenant woke up first, exploded noisily and
+detonated the Field Officer who in turn detonated the Colonel. In the
+words of my batman--"They went orf one, two, three, Sir, for orl the
+world like a machine gun, a neighteen-pounder and an How-Pop-pop!
+Whizz-bang! Boom!--very 'eavy cas-u-alities, Sir." PATLANDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First unhappy Passenger._ "OH, I SAY, _CAN'T_ WE GO
+BACK NOW?"
+
+_Boatman._ "NOT YET, SIR. THE GENTLEMAN IN THE BOWS INSISTS ON 'AVING
+'IS SIXPENNORTH."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sergeant (in charge of the raw material)._ "NOW,
+NUMBER TWO, WE'LL HAVE THAT MOVEMENT ONCE AGAIN. DON'T FORGET THIS
+TIME--NECK LIKE A SWAN, FEET LIKE A FAIRY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A man who was looking at some sheep under the wire saw the flash
+    pass close to him with simultaneous thunder, the sheep being
+    unharmed. Still one or two complained of their legs feeling numb."
+    --_Parochial Magazine._
+
+Who said Baalamb?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "There is no saying how Kinglake's history might have otherwise
+    read had not a round shot put a premature end to Korniloff's
+    career at the Malakoff whence M'Mahon was to send his famous
+    message, 'J'y, j'reste.'"--_Manchester Evening Chronicle._
+
+There is no saying how anybody's history will read if time-honoured
+sayings may be treated like this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "We are inclined to attribute the form as well as the substance
+    of the Note to the aloofness from the practical affairs of the
+    outside world which seems to exist in the Vatican."--_Times._
+
+The POPE may or may not be behind the times, but as our contemporary
+signed the Papal Peace Note, "BENEDICTUS XVI." it is plain that _The
+Times_ is ahead of the POPE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from a letter recently received by a manufacturing firm:--
+
+    "We are pleased to be able to inform you that we have seen the
+    Munitions Area delusion officer at ----, and he has informed us
+    that he would not hesitate to grant Protection Certificates for
+    these men."
+
+We sympathise too much with Labour to care to see it labouring under a
+delusion officer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.
+
+
+(_Herr MICHAELIS: Marshal VON HINDENBURG_.)
+
+_Herr M._ Good morning, my dear Marshal. I am glad we have been able
+to arrange a meeting, for there are certain points I wish to settle
+with you.
+
+_Von H._ I am, as always, at your Excellency's service; only I beg
+that the interview may not be prolonged beyond what is strictly
+needful. Time presses, and much remains to be done everywhere.
+
+_Herr M._ But I have the commands of the ALL-HIGHEST to speak with you
+on some weighty matters. He himself, as you know, has several speeches
+to make to-day.
+
+_Von H._ Oh, those speeches! How well I know them. I could almost make
+them myself if I wanted to make speeches, which, God be thanked, I do
+not need to do.
+
+_Herr M._ No, indeed. Your reputation rests on foundations firmer than
+speeches.
+
+_Von H._ You yourself, Excellency, have lately discovered how
+fallacious a thing is a speech, even where the speaker honestly tries
+to do his best to please everybody.
+
+_Herr M._ You are very kind, my dear Marshal, to speak thus of my
+humble effort. The result of it has certainly disappointed me.
+
+_Von H._ What was it that LEDEBOUR said of it? Did he not describe it
+as "a political hocus-pocus"? Such men ought to be at once taken out
+and shot. But we Prussians have always been too gentle in our methods.
+
+_Herr M._ We have. It is perhaps our only fault; but this time we must
+see that we correct it. In any case, to be so misunderstood is most
+painful, especially when one has employed all one's tact.
+
+_Von H._ Ah, tact. That is what you are celebrated for, is it not?
+
+_Herr M._ HIS IMPERIAL MAJESTY has more than once been graciously
+pleased to compliment me upon it. And he, if anyone, is a judge of
+tact, is he not?
+
+_Von H._ I have not myself any knowledge of it, so I cannot say for
+certain. Does it perhaps mean what you do when you entirely forget in
+one speech what you have said or omitted to say in a previous speech?
+
+_Herr M._ (_aside_). The old fellow is not, after all, so
+thick-skulled as I thought him. (_Aloud_) I will not ask you to
+discuss this subject any more, but will proceed to lay before you the
+commands of HIS MAJESTY.
+
+_Von H._ I shall be glad to hear them.
+
+_Herr M._ Well, then, to cut the matter as short as possible, HIS
+MAJESTY insists that there shall be a victory on the Western Front.
+
+_Von H._ A victory?
+
+_Herr M._ Yes, a victory. A real one, mind, not a made-up affair like
+the capture of Langemarck, which, though it was certainly captured,
+was not captured by us, but by the accursed English. May Heaven
+destroy them!
+
+_Von H._ But it was by HIS MAJESTY'S orders that we announced the
+capture of Langemarck.
+
+_Herr M._ I know; but he is graciously pleased to forget that, and to
+desire a genuine victory now.
+
+_Von H._ Tell him I cannot promise. We have done our best at Verdun,
+at Lens and at Ypres, but we have had to retreat everywhere. Our turn
+may come another time, but, as I say, I cannot promise.
+
+_Herr M._ Please go on doing your best. It is so annoying and
+temper-spoiling for HIS MAJESTY to make so many speeches of a fiery
+kind, and never to have a victory--at least not a real one for which
+Berlin can hang out flags. Besides, if we don't get a victory how
+shall we ever get a good German peace? And peace we _must_ have, and
+that very soon.
+
+_Von H._ Don't talk to me of peace. War is my business, not peace;
+and if I am to carry on war there must be no interference. If the
+ALL-HIGHEST does not like that, let him take the chief command
+himself.
+
+_Herr M._ God forbid!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LINES TO A HUN AIRMAN,
+
+WHO AROUSED THE DETACHMENT ON A CHILLY MORNING, AT 2.30 A.M.
+
+  Oh, come again, but at another time;
+    Choose some more fitting moment to appear,
+  For even in fair Gallia's sunny clime
+    The dawns are chilly at this time of year.
+
+  I did not go to bed till one last night,
+    I was on guard, and, pacing up and down,
+  Gazed often on the sky where every light
+    Flamed like a gem in Night's imperial crown;
+
+  And when the clamant rattle's hideous sound
+    Roused me from sleep, in a far distant land
+  My spirit moved and trod familiar ground,
+    Where a Young Hopeful sat at my right hand.
+
+  There was a spotless cloth upon the board,
+    Thin bread-and-butter was upon me pressed,
+  And China tea in a frail cup was poured--
+    Then I rushed forth inadequately dressed.
+
+  Lo! the poor Sergeant in a shrunken shirt,
+    His manly limbs exposed to morning's dew,
+  His massive feet all paddling in the dirt--
+    Such sights should move the heart of even you.
+
+  The worthy Corporal, sage in looks and speeches,
+    Holds up his trousers with a trembling hand;
+  Lucky for him he slumbered in his breeches--
+    The most clothed man of all our shivering band.
+
+  The wretched gunners cluster on the gun,
+    Clasping the clammy breech and slippery shells;
+  If 'tis a joke they do not see the fun
+    And damn you to the worst of DANTE'S hells.
+
+  And Sub-Lieutenant Blank, that martial man,
+    Shows his pyjamas to a startled world,
+  And shivers in the foremost of our van
+    The while our H.E. shells are upwards hurled.
+
+  You vanish, not ten centimes worth the worse
+    For all our noise, so far as we can tell;
+  The blest "Stand easy" comes; with many a curse
+    We hurry to the tents named after Bell.[1]
+
+  In two brief hours we must arise and shine!
+    O willow-waly! Would I were at home
+  Where leisurely I breakfasted at nine
+    And warm and fed went officeward to roam!
+
+  So come again, but at another time,
+    Say after breakfast or some hour like that,
+  Or I will strafe you with a viler rhyme--
+    I will, by Jove! or eat my shell-proof hat.
+
+[Footnote 1: On second thoughts I don't believe they are named after
+anyone, but "Bell" rhymes comfortably with "tell," so it may stand.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Rev. T.F. ---- officiated in the church yesterday for the
+    first time since his return from a four months' spell of work in
+    connection with the Y.M.C.A. Huns in France."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+We congratulate him upon his discovery of this hitherto unknown tribe.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GLIMPSES OF THE FUTURE.
+
+ _Maid._ "MR. JONES, SIR--HIM WOT KILLED SEVENTEEN GERMANS IN ONE TRENCH
+WITH HIS OWN 'ANDS--'AS CALLED FOR THE GAS ACCOUNT, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LITTLE MATCH-GIRL.
+
+_(With apologies to the shade of HANS ANDERSEN.)_
+
+It was late on a bitterly cold showery evening of Autumn. A poor
+little girl was wandering in the cold wet streets. She wore a hat on
+her head and on her feet she wore boots. ANDERSEN sent her out without
+a hat and in boots five sizes too large for her. But as a member
+of the Children's Welfare League I do not consider that right. She
+carried a quantity of matches (ten boxes to be exact) in her old
+apron. Nobody had bought any of her matches during the whole long day.
+And since the Summer-Time Act was still in force it was even longer
+than it would have been in ANDERSEN's time.
+
+The streets through which she passed were deserted. No sounds, not
+even the reassuring shrieks of taxi-whistles, were to be heard, for
+it costs you forty shillings now (or is it five pounds?) to engage a
+taxi by whistle, and people simply can't afford it. Clearly she would
+do no business in the byways, so she struck into a main thoroughfare.
+At once she was besieged by buyers. They guessed she was the little
+match-girl because she struck a match from time to time just to show
+that they worked. Also, she liked to see the blaze. She would not have
+selected this branch of war-work had she not been naturally fond of
+matches.
+
+They crowded round her, asking eagerly, "How much a box?" Now her
+mother had told her to sell them at a shilling a box. But the little
+girl had heard much talk of war-profits, and since nobody had given
+her any she thought she might as well earn some. So she asked five
+shillings a box. And since these were the last matches seen in England
+it was not long before she had sold all the ten boxes (including
+the ones containing the burnt ends of the matches she had struck to
+attract custom).
+
+The little girl then went to the nearest post-office and purchased two
+pounds' worth of War Loan. The ten shillings which remained she took
+home to her mother, and since the good woman did not understand the
+principles of profiteering she was well pleased.
+
+But alas for the little girl! one of her customers, doubting the
+honesty of her intentions, had informed the policeman. She was
+subsequently taken into custody, and the magistrate is now faced with
+the problem as to whether she is a good little girl in that she put
+money into War Loan, or a bad little girl in that she followed the
+example of the profiteers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR HELPFUL PRESS.
+
+From a recipe for jam:--
+
+    "Add the fruit and boil 40 minutes. Glucose and sugar in equal
+    parts can be used if sugar is unobtainable."--_Daily Sketch_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To lease or rent a fine family residence, healthy locality, one
+    mile from Mandeville fully furnished with good accommodation for
+    a large family standing on ten acres of good grazing land with
+    many fruit trees has two large tanks, recently occupied by judge
+    Reece."--_Daily Gleaner (Jamaica)_.
+
+Anything for coolness.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from a speech by Mr. BROMLEY on the eight-hours' day:--
+
+    "They had endeavoured after long weary waiting to bring to
+    fruition in due time what had been the first plank in their
+    programme for thirteen years."--_Morning Paper_.
+
+But the plank, as might be expected, has, as fruit-growers say, "run
+to wood."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Colonel (asked to review V.A.D. Corps, and not wishing
+to spring an order on them)_. "NOW, I'M GOING TO ASK YOU LADIES TO FORM
+FOURS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PASSING OF THE COD'S HEAD.
+
+(_A Romance of Chiswick Mall._)
+
+  It was because the dustman did not come;
+    It was because our cat was overfed,
+  And, gorged with some superior pabulum,
+    Declined to touch the cod's disgusting head;
+  It was because the weather was too warm
+    To hide the horror in the refuse-bin,
+  And too intense the perfume of its form,
+    My wife commanded me to do the sin,
+  To take and cast it in the twinkling Thames--
+    A practice which the neighbourhood condemns.
+
+  So on the midnight, with a strong cigar
+    And scented handkerchief, I tiptoed near,
+  But felt the exotic fragrance from afar;
+    I thought of ARTHUR and Sir BEDIVERE:
+  And it seemed best to leave it on the plate,
+    So strode I back and told my curious spouse
+  "I heard the high tide lap along the Eyot,
+    And the wild water at the barge's bows."
+  She said, "O treacherous! O heart of clay!
+    Go back and throw the smelly thing away."
+
+  Thereat I seized it, and with guilty shoon
+    Stole out indignant to the water's marge;
+  Its eyes like emeralds caught the affronted moon;
+    The stars conspired to make the thing look large;
+  Surely all Chiswick would perceive my shame!
+    I clutched the indecency and whirled it round
+  And flung it from me like a torch in flame,
+    And a great wailing swept across the sound,
+  As though the deep were calling back its kith.
+    I said, "It will go down to Hammersmith.
+
+  "It will go down beyond the Chelsea flats,
+    And hang with barges under Battersea,
+  Will press past Wapping with decaying cats,
+    And the dead dog shall bear it company;
+  Small bathing boys shall feel its clammy prod,
+    And think some jellyfish has fled the surge;
+  And so 'twill win to where the tribe of cod
+    In its own ooze intones a fitting dirge,
+  And after that some false and impious fish
+    Will likely have it for a breakfast dish."
+
+  The morning dawned. The tide had stripped the shore;
+    And that foul shape I fancied so remote
+  Lay stark below, just opposite next-door!
+    Who would have said a cod's head could not float?
+  No more my neighbour in his garden sits;
+    My callers now regard the view with groans;
+  For tides may roll and rot the fleshly bits,
+    But what shall mortify those ageless bones?
+  How shall I bear to hear my grandsons say,
+    "Look at the fish that grand-dad threw away"?
+
+  A.P.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a South African produce-merchant's letter:--
+
+    "As so many of our clients were disappointed last year ... we are
+    taking time by the fetlock and offering you this excellent quality
+    seed now."
+
+To be sure of stopping Father Time you must collar low.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LIBERATORS.
+
+VENIZELOS to KERENSKY. "DO NOT DESPAIR. I TOO WENT THROUGH SUFFERING
+BEFORE ACHIEVING UNITY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WAR-TIME WALKS.
+
+    _(With apologies to a contemporary for cutting the ground
+    from under its feet, and to our readers for omitting certain
+    names--in deference to the Censor.)_
+
+Owing to the War one must save money and spend as little as possible
+on fares when rambling for pleasure. The following itinerary will be
+found quite an inexpensive one, though offering plenty of interest.
+Take the train to ----. Leave the station by the exit on the south
+side, and turn to the right under the railway bridge, taking the path
+by the stream till you come to a bridge which crosses it.
+
+Do not cross the stream, however, but turn sharply to the right
+(opposite a rather pretentious-looking house) for two hundred yards or
+so, when you will come to a park. A little before entering the park
+you will see, lying not far from the road on the left, a remarkable
+old monastery church, much restored. This contains some fine old
+painted glass, some tombs and monumental inscriptions which are worth
+a visit if time will allow.
+
+There is a right of way through the park up to the house, which
+belongs to the Earl of C----, but is not of great architectural
+interest. Bear to the right in front of the house, along a path which
+skirts the wall of the private grounds. At the end of the wall a
+gateway leads into the high road, and a walk of under two miles will
+bring you to the, at one time, pretty village of K----, which has,
+however, grown rapidly into a thriving town. Before reaching the
+parish church there is a hostelry on the right-hand side of the road
+where an excellent tea may be obtained (so far as the food regulations
+will allow).
+
+On leaving the inn, turn through a gateway at the side of it, which
+gives on to a straight and rather uninteresting road, which has been
+considerably built upon and is more or less private, though a right
+of way has been preserved through it. A glimpse of a large mansion,
+chiefly of the 17th century, and now in the possession of the W----s,
+may be obtained through the trees on the right of the road.
+
+When you come to the main road (at the far end of this semi-private
+road) turn to the right, and just where the gibbet used to stand, so
+it is said, in the good old days, there is a sharp left-angled turn
+which leads to the village of E----. Keep straight on, however, for a
+mile or two (notice the fine old timbered houses on the right of the
+footpath opposite the old boundary-post), and then turn to the right
+by the church, rebuilt in the 17th century on the site of an older and
+finer one, whose spire was at one time a noted landmark.
+
+A walk through the churchyard to the church porch brings you to the
+brow of a hill. Descend this to the cross-roads at the bottom, but,
+instead of turning to either hand, keep to the narrow road in front
+till you come to a gateway on the left. This leads to a house which
+formerly belonged to the Knights Templars, but which passed into the
+hands of the L----s and is still in their possession. There is an
+interesting chapel in the grounds, containing the tombs of some of the
+former owners, whose deeds were more warlike, though probably less
+numerous, than those of the present occupants.
+
+From here an easy walk up the Strand will bring you to the starting
+point, Charing Cross Embankment Station, where you can take the train
+again; but if you are fit and between the ages of forty-one and fifty,
+you can continue the walk till you reach the nearest Recruiting
+Office.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Happy Home offered slight Mental Youth or otherwise."--_Times_.
+
+A chance for one of our slim conscientious objectors.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LINES ON RE-READING "BLEAK HOUSE."
+
+  There was a time when, posing as a purist,
+    I thought it fine to criticise and crab
+  CHARLES DICKENS as a crude caricaturist,
+    Who laid his colours on too thick and slab,
+  Who was a sort of sentimental tourist
+    And made life lurid when it should be drab;
+  In short I branded as a brilliant dauber
+  The man who gave us _Pecksniff_ and _Micawber_.
+
+  True, there are blots--like spots upon the sun--
+    And genius, lavish of imagination,
+  In sheer profusion always has outrun
+    The bounds of strict artistic concentration;
+  But when detraction's worst is said and done,
+    How much remains for fervent admiration,
+  How much that never palls or wounds or sickens
+  (Unlike some moderns) in great generous DICKENS!
+
+  And in _Bleak House_, the culminating story
+    That marks the zenith of his swift career,
+  All the great qualities that won him glory,
+    As writer and reformer too, appear:
+  Righteous resentment of abuses hoary,
+    Of pomp and cant, self-centred, insincere;
+  And burning sympathy that glows unchecked
+    For those who sit in darkness and neglect.
+
+  Who, if his heart be not of steel or stone,
+    Can read unmoved of _Charley_ or of _Jo_;
+  Of dear _Miss Flite_, who, though her wits be flown,
+    Has kept a soul as pure as driven snow;
+  Of the fierce "man from Shropshire" overthrown
+    By Law's delays; of _Caddy's_ inky woe;
+  Or of the alternating fits and fluster
+  That harass the unhappy slavey, _Guster_?
+
+  And there are scores of characters so vivid
+    They make us friends or enemies for life:
+  _Hortense_, half-tamed she-wolf, with envy livid;
+    The patient _Snagsby_ and his shrewish wife;
+  The amorous _Guppy_, who poor _Esther_ chivvied;
+    Tempestuous _Boythorn_, revelling in strife;
+  _Skimpole_, the honey-tongued artistic cadger;
+  And that tremendous woman, _Mrs. Badger_.
+
+  No wonder then that, when we seek awhile
+    Relief and respite from War's strident chorus,
+  Few books more swiftly charm us to a smile,
+    Few books more truly hearten and restore us
+  Than his, whose art was potent to beguile
+    Thousands of weary souls who came before us--
+  No wonder, when the Huns, who ban our fiction,
+  Were fain to free him from their malediction.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WHAT PEOPLE SAY.
+
+    "One of the collectors for the ---- Hospital Sunday fund seems to
+    have got more than either he or the committee desired.
+
+    "On approaching a house he was received by a dog which persisted in
+    leaving its compliments on one of his legs.
+
+    "Happily the injury, though treated by a chemist, was not serious."
+    --_Provincial Paper_.
+
+People ought not to say these things about chemists.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "ESCAPED GERMAN FLYING MEN.
+
+    "One of the men is Lieut. Josef Flink. He has a gunshot wound in
+    the palm of the left hand. The second is Orbum Alexander von
+    Schutz, with side-whispers. Both speak very little English."
+    --_Southern Echo_.
+
+But VON SCHUTZ's sotto-voce rendering of the "Hymn of Hate" is
+immense.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"THE INVISIBLE FOE."
+
+
+MR. H.B. IRVING has elected to play villain in a new mystery play by
+Mr. WALTER HACKETT. Essential elements of the business as follows:
+Obstinate old millstone of a shipbuilder, _Bransby_, who simply will
+not give up shipbuilding for aeroplane making (and no wonder in these
+days!); nephew _Stephen_, with an unwholesome hankering after power
+and a complete inability to see the obvious; nephew _Hugh_, lieutenant
+lately gazetted, with much more wholesome and intelligent hankering
+after _Helen Bransby_; Clerk, mouldy, faithful, one who discovers
+deficit in the West African ledger to the extent of ten thousand
+pounds.
+
+The false entries are in the hand of _Hugh_, but _Stephen's_ sinister
+eye and shocking suit of solemn black promptly give him away to the
+audience, while with a gorgeous fatuity he gives himself away to
+his uncle by writing out his brother's resignation of the King's
+Commission (in itself an odd thing to do) in the very hand he had so
+adroitly practised in order to manipulate the ledger. Whereupon, at
+_Bransby's_ dictation, _Stephen_ writes a full confession, leaving the
+house in an acutely disgruntled frame of mind. The old man puts the
+confession quite naturally (the firm is like that) between the leaves
+of his _David Copperfield_, and dies of heart failure.
+
+So _Stephen_ is again up on _Hugh_ at the turn. Indeed in the six
+months that have elapsed between Acts I. and II. many things have
+happened, and neglected to happen. _Stephen_ has become by common
+report a great man, pillar of the house of Bransby, which now makes
+aeroplanes like anything. He has been too busy getting power even to
+look into his uncle's papers (though executor), or to have the West
+African ledger taken back to the office, or, queerest of all, to
+discover and destroy that damning confession. However, having got his
+power, he now proceeds to consolidate it by trying to find the missing
+document.
+
+On the same day _Helen_ arrives unexpectedly, urged thereto by a vague
+impression inspired by her dead father that _Hugh's_ innocence will be
+established by something found in the fateful room; also _Hugh_, who
+had enlisted and now comes back from France a sergeant, with the same
+idea in his head and from the same source. As we had all seen the
+paper's hiding-place I found it a little difficult to be impressed by
+the elaborate efforts, unconscionably long drawn out, of the departed
+spirit to disclose the matter to _Helen_ and _Hugh_; while the
+masterly inactivity of _Stephen_, who was trying to find his document
+by pure reason (mere looking for it would not occur to his Napoleonic
+brain), confirmed the opinion I had earlier formed of that solemn ass.
+However, his invisible foe does contrive to get his message through to
+the lovers and smash up _Stephen_ and his bubble of power.
+
+I can't help being surprised that Mr. H.B. IRVING should have been
+satisfied with so impossible a character as _Stephen Pryde_, though I
+need not add that he made most effective play with the terror of
+an evil conscience haunted by the vengeful dead, throwing away his
+consonants rather recklessly in the process and receiving the plaudits
+of an enthusiastic audience.
+
+I grant Mr. HACKETT freely his effects of eeriness and his sound
+judgment in manipulating his ghost without materialising him; and
+congratulate him particularly on the part of the vague American lady,
+most capably performed by Miss MARION LORNE.
+
+Miss FAY COMPTON made a pretty lover and plausible clairvoyante. Mr.
+SYDNEY VALENTINE'S portrait was (yes!) masterly; and Mr. TOM REYNOLDS
+is excellent as the confidential clerk. Mr. HOLMAN CLARK struck me
+(without surprise) as slightly bored with his part of a Doctor who
+lost his patient in the first Act and remained as a convenient peg for
+the plot. His adroit method ensures smooth playing and pulls a cast
+together. T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Servant (on hearing air-raid warning)._ "I SHALL STAND
+HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE 'ALL, MUM, SO THAT IF A BOMB COMES IN AT THE
+FRONT-DOOR WE CAN GO OUT AT THE BACK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PLAYING THE GAME.
+
+After we had finally arranged the cricket match--Convalescents
+_versus_ the Village--for the benefit of the Serbian Relief Fund, we
+remembered that early in the year the cricket-field had been selected
+for the site of the village potato-patch, and my favourite end of the
+pitch--the one without the cross-furrow--was now in full blossom.
+
+As the cricket-field is the only level piece of ground in the
+district, the cricket committee began to lose its grip upon the
+situation, and were only saved from ignominious failure by the
+enterprise of the British Army, in this case represented by
+Sergeant-Major Kippy, D.C.M., who was recovering in the best of
+spirits from his third blighty one.
+
+"'Ow about the Colonel's back gardin?" he suggested. "There's a lovely
+bit o' turf there."
+
+We remembered the perfect and spacious lawn, scarcely less level than
+a billiard-table, and, even with the Colonel busy on the East Coast,
+the committee were unanimously adverse to the suggestion. But Kippy,
+born within hail of a Kentish cricket-field, was not to be denied,
+and, after all, one cannot haggle about a mere garden with someone who
+was with the first battalions over the Messines Ridge.
+
+Thus the affair was taken out of our hands, and when the day arrived
+we pitched the stumps where Kippy, giving due consideration to the
+Colonel's foliage, thought the light was most advantageous.
+
+The Village won the toss, and old Tom Pratt took guard and proceeded
+to dig himself in by making what he termed his "block-hole." I
+visualised the choleric blue eye of the Colonel and shuddered.
+
+For a time matters proceeded uneventfully. Then, at the fall of the
+fourth wicket, the game suddenly developed, Jim Butcher, batting at
+the pergola end, giving us an exhibition of his famous scoop shot,
+which landed full pitch through the drawing-room window. It was a
+catastrophe of such dimensions that even the boldest spirit quailed
+before it, and the Colonel's butler, batting at the other end,
+immediately dissociated himself from the proceedings and bolted from
+the field.
+
+Kippy, as befitted a warrior of parts, was the first to recover.
+
+"'Ere," he exclaimed, "we carn't 'ave this; wot do you think the
+Colonel will say?"
+
+I do not suppose there was anyone who had not thought of it.
+
+"We got to 'ave fresh rules," Kippy continued. "Anyone breaking a
+winder 'as to retire, mend the winder, and 'is side loses ten runs."
+Only a super mind could in the time have framed a punishment so
+convincingly deterrent.
+
+The scoop shot from the pergola end was ruled out in a sentence, and
+we were treated to a masterly and Jessopian demonstration of how to
+get an off ball past square-leg.
+
+But no completely efficient form of organisation can be encompassed in
+an hour, nor can man legislate for the unknown factor.
+
+In this case Kippy was not aware that, on the far side of the
+shrubbery, against an ancient sun-bathed wall, stood the greenhouse
+which sheltered the Colonel's prize grapes. And so Jim Butcher,
+playing this time from the rockery end, brought off the double event
+and caused another new clause to be added to the local rules. With
+thirty-seven to his credit and still undefeated he was making history
+in the village, though it must be admitted that no one was ever less
+anxious to retain the post of honour, and when the gardener laid out
+the damaged fruit nothing short of Kippy's appeal would have persuaded
+him to continue his innings.
+
+"Wot, retire jest when you're gettin' popler an' can't do no more
+'arm an' I've sent off the 'ole brigade of scouts ter spread the noos,
+'Jessop thirty, not out, an' 'arf the Colonel's winders napooed.' Wy,
+the 'ole blinkin' county will be 'ere as soon as they know wot's goin'
+on." Kippy leant forward confidentially, "An' them Serbian boxes 'as
+got ter be filled some'ow." It was an irresistible argument, and Jim
+Butcher continued his innings under slightly restricted conditions.
+
+At 6.50, with ten minutes to play, the Convalescents, who had shown
+great form, required only twelve runs to win the match. Kippy and
+Gunner Toady shared the batting. A pretty glance to leg for two by
+the Gunner was all that could be taken out of the penultimate over,
+and Kippy at the pergola end faced Mark Styles, the postman, to take
+the first ball of the last over. Two singles were run, and then Kippy
+placed one nicely into the herbaceous border for four. The next one
+nearly got him, and then, with the seven o'clock delivery, as it
+were, the postman tossed up a half-volley on the leg side. Forgotten
+were the rules, the windows and all else. Kippy jumped out and, with
+every muscle he could bring into action, hit it straight through
+the plate-glass panel of the billiard-room door. For five petrified
+seconds we gazed at the wreckage, and then the door opened and the
+Colonel walked briskly into the garden. Anything else--a bomb or
+an earthquake--might merely have created curiosity, but this was
+different.
+
+Quite unostentatiously I vacated my position at fine leg and merged
+myself with the slips, who, together with point and cover, were
+bearing a course towards the labyrinthine ways of the kitchen-garden.
+After vainly searching for an imaginary ball and finding that we were
+not actually attacked from the rear, we ventured at length to return.
+
+Kippy and the Colonel were conversing on the centre of the well-worn
+pitch. The Colonel was speaking.
+
+"... Lose ten runs and the match! I never heard such infernal
+nonsense. That shot was worth six runs on any ground. I shall insist
+on revising the rules."
+
+At the same time I noticed that Kippy was holding a red-and-white box,
+and the Colonel was with difficulty thrusting something through the
+inadequate slit.
+
+It looked like a piece of paper.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Bank Cashier (gazing at golden orb of day)._ "IT'S A
+REAL HOLIDAY TO WATCH THESE SUNSETS--AFTER ALL THE PAPER MONEY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+The Huns at Home.
+
+    "In the final figure, all the dancers make bows and curtseys to
+    the Emperor and Empress, who are either standing or sitting at
+    this time on the throne."
+    --_Mr. GERARD'S description of a Court Ball._
+
+Two chiefs with but a single chair to stand on. And yet they call
+Germany undemocratic!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "M. Painlevé's resemblance to M. Briand (the former Premier) is
+    string."--_Liverpool Daily Post_.
+
+Whereas the tie between British Ministers is generally tape (red).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRESERVING THEIR PROSPECTS.
+
+    [Exemption has been granted by the Warwick Appeal Tribunal to
+    a man who applied on the ground that if he lived long enough
+    he would inherit £200,000.]
+
+
+_Extract from "The Mid-County Advertiser," July 30th._
+
+Martin Slim, 25, single, categoried A 1, applied for exemption to
+the Bumpshire Tribunal on the ground that if he were required to
+do military service he would lose a substantial fortune. Applicant
+explained that he was engaged in an enterprise which involved the
+planting of 200 acres of young cork-trees. The trees would be ready
+for cutting in about 1945, by which time it was estimated the demand
+for cork legs would enable him to realise a handsome profit on the
+sale of the bark. Total exemption was granted, the chairman of the
+Tribunal congratulating the young man on his patriotic foresight.
+
+
+_"The Snobington Mercury," August 7th._
+
+Among the recent applicants to the Snobington Appeal Tribunal was
+the Hon. Geoffrey de Knute. Solicitor for the applicant stated that
+his client, who was already giving all his time to the organisation
+of hat-trimming competitions for wounded soldiers and other work of
+national importance, desired exemption for the reason that he expected
+shortly to succeed to the Earldom of Swankshire. There were, he
+explained, three brothers who stood between his client and the title,
+all over military age. It was expected, however, that the age limit
+would before long be substantially raised, in which case there was
+every reason to believe that his client, if exempted from military
+service, might outlive his relatives. After some consultation the
+chairman stated that ten years' exemption would be granted.
+
+
+_"The Morning News," August 14th._
+
+Sol. Strunski, 18, single, passed for General Service, applied for
+exemption yesterday before the Birdcage Walk Tribunal. Applicant's
+mother, who was observed to be wearing several large diamond rings
+and a sable jacket, informed the Tribunal that applicant was her sole
+support; that he had been engaged until recently upon a contract for
+supplying the Army Ordnance Department with antimacassars, but that,
+as the result of false charges made against him by persons connected
+with the police force, the War Office had removed his name from its
+list of eligible contractors, with the result that he was now out of
+work. He had, however, been offered the secretaryship of the Russian
+branch of the No-Conscription Fellowship. It was a great chance for
+him, she explained, but he would lose it if he were called up. The
+Tribunal expressed its sympathy with Mrs. Strunski, and stated that
+the War, important as it might be, could not be allowed to mar the
+future of such an able youth. Total exemption.
+
+
+_"The Purrsweet Record," August 21st._
+
+At the Purrsweet Tribunal, Messrs. Prongingham and Co., proprietors
+of the popular multiple grocery establishments, applied for exemption
+for their local branch manager, William Dudd (28, B 1). The chairman
+of the Tribunal, Sir George Prongingham, stated that he had had some
+doubts as to whether his position as president of Prongingham's, Ltd.,
+did not require him to leave the disposition of this case to his
+colleagues. They had persuaded him to a contrary view, and certainly
+his patriotism could not be questioned. His son Reginald had been
+serving gallantly in the Army Pay Department since the outbreak of
+war, and he himself had been consulted by the Government on several
+occasions. In deciding the case of the applicant, William Dudd, he
+felt no bias of any kind, and the Tribunal's decision to grant total
+exemption was made wholly out of regard to the young man's prospects,
+and not in the interest of Prongingham's, Ltd. (Cheers.) ALGOL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Farmer._ "YOU'LL NOT BE FEELING GIDDY, SURR?"
+
+_R.F.C. Officer (on leave)_. "NOT TILL WE REACH TEN THOUSAND FEET."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CONVERT.
+
+There were three of us--a soldier, a _flâneur_ and myself, who am
+neither but would like to be either. We were talking about the strange
+appearance--a phenomenon of the day--of French wine in German bottles,
+and this led to the re-expression of my life-long surprise that
+bottles should exist in such numbers as they do--bottles everywhere,
+all over the world, with wine and beer in them, and no one under any
+obligation to save and return them.
+
+"Well," said the soldier (who may or may not have known that I was one
+of those writing fellows), "that has never struck me as odd. Of course
+there are lots of bottles. Bottles are necessary. But what beats me is
+the number of books. New books and old books, books in shops and books
+on stalls, and books in houses; and on top of all that--libraries.
+That's rum, if you like. I most cordially hope," he added, "that there
+are more bottles than books in the world."
+
+"I don't care how many there are of either," said the _flâneur_; "but
+I know this--another book's badly wanted."
+
+"Oh, come off it," said the enemy of authorship. "How can another book
+be needed? Have you ever seen the British Museum Reading Room? It's
+simply awful. It's a kind of disease. I was taken there once by an
+aunt when I was a boy, and it has haunted me ever since. Books by the
+million all round the room, and the desks crowded with people writing
+new ones. Men _and_ women. Mixed writing, you know. Terrible!"
+
+"All that may be true," said the _flâneur_, "but the fact remains that
+another book is still needed."
+
+"Impossible," said the soldier, "unless it's a cheque-book. There I'm
+with you."
+
+"No, a book--a real book. Small, I admit, but real. And I believe I
+can make you agree with me. I'm full of it, because I discovered the
+need of it only this last week-end."
+
+"Well, what is it to be called?" the sceptic asked.
+
+"I think a good title would be, _Have I Put Everything in?_"
+
+"Sounds like a manual of bayonet exercise," said the soldier, and he
+made imaginary lunges at imaginary Huns.
+
+"Very well then, to prevent ambiguity call it _Have I Left Anything
+Out?_ The sub-title would be 'A Guide to Packing,' or 'The
+Week-Ender's Friend.'"
+
+"Ah!" said the other, beginning to be interested.
+
+"With such a book," the _flâneur_ continued, "you could never, as
+I did on Saturday, arrive at a house without any pyjamas, because
+you would find pyjamas in the list, and directly you came to them
+you would shove them in. That would be the special merit of the
+book--that you would get, out of wardrobes and drawers and off the
+dressing-table, the things it mentioned as you read them and shove
+them in."
+
+"You would hold the book in the left hand," said the soldier, with
+almost as much excitement as though he were the author, "and pack with
+the right. That's the way."
+
+"Yes, that's the way. It would be only a little book--like a
+vest-pocket diary--but it would be priceless. It would be divided into
+sections covering the different kinds of visit to be paid--week-end,
+week, fortnight, and so on. Then the kind of place--seaside, river,
+shooting, hunting, and so on. Foreign travel might come in as well."
+
+"Yes," said the soldier, "lists of things for Egypt, India, Nairobi."
+
+"That's it," said the _flâneur._ "And there would be some unexpected
+things too. I guess you could help me there with all your wide
+experience."
+
+"A corkscrew, of course," said the soldier.
+
+"I said unexpected things," said the _flâneur_ reprovingly, "such
+as--well, such as a screw-driver for eye-glasses--most useful. And a
+carriage key. And--"
+
+His pause was my opportunity. "I'll tell you another thing," I said,
+"something for which I'd have given a sovereign in that gale last week
+when I was at the seaside--window-wedges. Never again shall I travel
+without window-wedges."
+
+"By Jove!" said the soldier, "that's an idea. Put down window-wedges
+at once. It's a great book this," he went on. "And needed--I should
+jolly well say so. You ought to compile it at once--before any of us
+has time to go away again. Personally I don't know how I've lived
+without it. Why, just talking about it makes me feel quite a literary
+character."
+
+"Let me see," I said sweetly, "what do you call this monumental
+work? Oh yes, I remember--_Are There Any Important Omissions from my
+Saturday-to-Monday Equipment?_"
+
+"Rubbish!" said the soldier. "The title is--_Have I Put Everything
+in?_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BY THE CANAL IN FLANDERS.
+
+  By the canal in Flanders I watched a barge's prow
+  Creep slowly past the poplar-trees; and there I made a vow
+  That when these wars are over and I am home at last
+  However much I travel I shall not travel fast.
+
+  Horses and cars and yachts and planes: I've no more use for such;
+  For in three years of war's alarms I've hurried far too much;
+  And now I dream of something sure, silent and slow and large;
+  So when the War is over--why, I mean to buy a barge.
+
+  A gilded barge I'll surely have, the same as Egypt's Queen,
+  And it will be the finest barge that ever you have seen;
+  With polished mast of stout pitch pine, tipped with a ball of gold,
+  And two green trees in two white tubs placed just abaft the hold.
+
+  So when past Pangbourne's verdant meads, by Clieveden's mossy stems,
+  You see a barge all white-and-gold come gliding down the Thames,
+  With tow-rope spun from coloured silks and snow-white horses three,
+  Which stop beside your river house--you'll know the bargee's me.
+
+  I'll moor my craft beside your lawn; so up and make good cheer!
+  Pluck me your greenest salads! Draw me your coolest beer!
+  For I intend to lunch with you and talk an hour or more
+  Of how we used to hustle in the good old days of war.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Vicar of a country parish was letting his house to a _locum
+tenens_, and sent him a telegram, "Servants will be left if desired."
+Promptly came back the reply, "Am bringing my own sermons." And now
+each is wondering what sort of man the other is.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Young Man to help weigh and clean widows at chemist's shop."
+    --_Sheffield Daily Telegraph._
+
+To any young man who should be inclined to apply we commend the advice
+of _Mr. Weller, senior_, "Sammy, beware of the vidders."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN ADAMLESS EDEN.
+
+_The Seated Lady_. "THE GREAT CHARM OF THIS PLACE IS ITS ABSOLUTE
+LONELINESS. DAY AFTER DAY ONE HAS THESE LOVELY SANDS AND SEA AND ROCKS
+AND SKY ALL TO ONESELF."
+
+_The Other_. "REALLY. AND HAVE YOU BEEN HERE LONG?"
+
+_Seated Lady_. "SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE WEEK."
+
+_The Other_. "AND ARE YOU GOING TO STAY IN THIS DELIGHTFUL PLACE MUCH
+LONGER?"
+
+_Seated Lady_. "ANOTHER TEN DAYS--UNLESS MY LANDLADY WILL LET ME OFF
+THE LAST WEEK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_
+
+In _The Irish on the Somme_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) Mr. MICHAEL
+MACDONAGH continues the story which he began in _The Irish at
+the Front_. He gives us more accounts of the heroism of his
+fellow-countrymen in the titanic battles that have thrilled the minds
+of men all the world over. He writes with a justifiable enthusiasm of
+the deeds of these gallant Irishmen. The book stirs the blood like
+the sound of a trumpet. In a war which has produced so many glorious
+actions the Irish are second to none. Even those who do not agree
+in every point with Mr. JOHN REDMOND will admit ungrudgingly that
+he makes good the claims he puts forward in his introduction to Mr.
+MACDONAGH'S book. He tells us that from Ireland 173,772 Irishmen are
+serving in the Army and Navy, and that in addition at least 150,000
+of the Irish race have joined the colours in Great Britain--no mean
+record. Mr. MACDONAGH is as proud of the glory of the Ulstermen as
+of that of Nationalist Ireland. He dedicates his book to the _carum
+caput_ of Major WILLIE REDMOND.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. E.B. OSBORN, who has written _The Maid with Wings, and other
+Fantasies Grave to Gay_ (LANE), will perhaps not altogether thank me
+for saving that among the _Other Fantasies_ I throughout preferred the
+grave to the gay. _The Maid with Wings_ itself is a beautiful little
+piece of imagination--the vision of the Maid of France comforting an
+English boy during his last moments out in No Man's Land. The thing
+is well and delicately done, with a reserve that may encourage the
+judicious to hope for good work in the future from a pen that is (I
+fancy) as yet somewhat new. On the other hand, I must confess that the
+Gaiety left me (though this, of course, may be an isolated experience)
+with sides unshaken. "Callisthenes at Cambridge," for example, is but
+little removed from the article that, to my certain knowledge, has
+padded school and 'Varsity magazines since such began to be. Still, I
+liked the plea for Protection against foreign imports in literature
+and art by way of helping the native producer, though even here some
+condensation would, I thought, have sharpened the point. But, after
+all, reviewers are dull dogs to move to laughter (as no doubt Mr.
+OSBORN will now agree), so I hope he will rest content with my
+genuine appreciation of his graver passages, and will be encouraged
+to give us something more ambitious and less open to the suspicion
+of book-making.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The _Letters of a Soldier: 1914-1915_ (CONSTABLE) are letters to
+a mother; letters also of an artist, and full of an exquisite
+sensibility, a fine candour. I can best give you an impression of the
+charming personality of this young French soldier (who survived his
+first great battle, to be reported missing after the counter-attack,
+since when no news of him has reached his friends), by quoting little
+sentences of his, and if you don't want to know more of him after
+reading them then nothing I can say will be of any use: "The true
+death would be to live in a conquered country, above all for me, whose
+art would perish.... If you could only see the confidence of the
+little forest animals, such as the field-mice! They were as pretty as
+a Japanese print, with the inside of their ears like a rosy shell....
+How is it possible to think of Schumann as a barbarian?... I am happy
+to have felt myself responsive to all these blows, and my hope lies in
+the thought that they will have forged my soul.... Spinoza is a most
+valuable aid in the trenches.... We are in billets after the great
+battle, and this time I saw it all. I did my duty; I knew that by the
+feeling of my men for me. But the best are dead. We gained our object
+... I send you my whole love. Whatever comes to pass, life has had its
+beauty." And then no more.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If Mr. HAROLD LAKE'S account of the British forces in Macedonia is
+supposed to supply an answer to a not unnatural query as to what they
+are doing there, I am afraid one must take it that in fact they are
+doing nothing in particular. An intelligent British public believes
+that at least they are immobilising important enemy forces and perhaps
+accomplishing several other useful things as well, but the writer, who
+has actually been _In Salonica with Our Army_ (MELROSE), frankly lays
+aside high considerations of policy and, seeing it all in desperately
+foreshortened perspective, knows only that he and his fellows,
+having volunteered to fight, are being called on instead to endure
+a purgatorial routine of dust and dulness, mosquitoes, malaria and
+night marches, and the grilling away of useless days in the society of
+flies and lizards, with only, as a very occasional treat, the smallest
+glimpse of anything resembling a Front. And all this is in a country
+so desolated by centuries of war that in spite of obvious natural
+fertility it is a sullen treeless desert--a desert of blight and
+thistles, as profitless to our men as their periodically deferred
+anticipations of a grand advance. A book that sets out to record
+vacuity can hardly be crammed with thrilling literature, and I am
+not going to pretend that Mr. LAKE has achieved the impossible. All
+the same one found points--for instance, his desire that someone
+(apparently England for choice!) should colonise Macedonia; and his
+most right and appropriate plea for fairer recognition of those who
+have sacrificed their health in the national service. A man, he holds,
+who is to suffer all his life from malarial fever has done his bit no
+less than plenty who bear the honourable insignia of the wounded in
+battle and the snout of a mosquito may be as valorously encountered as
+the bayonet of a Hun. And so say all of us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I can read Miss MARY WEBB'S studies of the peasant mind with great
+pleasure, but at the same time I am doubtful whether she is as
+successful in _Gone to Earth_ (CONSTABLE) as she was in her first
+novel, _The Golden Arrow_. My difficulty--and I hope it will not be
+yours--was to believe in the power of _Hazel Woodus_ to make very
+dissimilar men lose their hearts and heads. That _Jack Reddin_, a
+dare-devil farmer with love for any sort of a chase in his blood,
+should pursue her to the bitter end is intelligible enough, but why
+_Edward Marston_, a rather anæmic minister, married her and then
+forgave her escapades with _Reddin_ has me bothered. I can admire
+Edward's forgiving spirit, but cannot altogether pity him when his
+methodical congregation said straight and disagreeable things. In
+fact my total inability to see _Hazel_ as _Edward_ saw her somewhat
+detracted from my enjoyment of her history. That being said the
+rest is, thank goodness, praise. Miss WEBB is a careful and sincere
+workman, who, whether you believe or disbelieve in her characters,
+writes with such real compassion for suffering that she cannot fail to
+enlist your sympathy. Additionally her vein is original, and she only
+needs a little more experience to make a great success of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Presumably the eleven stories in _The Loosing of the Lion's Whelps_
+(MILLS AND BOON) are published for the first time, as we are not
+given any notice to the contrary, and I can imagine that Mr. JOHN
+OXENHAM'S many admirers will derive considerable pleasure from them.
+Mr. OXENHAM'S weak points are that sometimes he fails to distinguish
+between real pathos and sticky sentimentality, and that when he tries
+his hand at telling a practical joke he does not know when to stop.
+There are, however, stories in this volume which deserve unqualified
+praise. The shortest, "How Half a Man Died," is the best; indeed, it
+is a real gem. But "The Missing K.C.'s" has a genuine thrill in it;
+and, in a very different manner, "A By-Product" is proof enough that
+the author can get his effects all the more readily when he keeps his
+own feelings under the strictest control. Mr. OXENHAM'S XI. has weak
+points in it, but on the whole it is a good side.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Farmer._ "DON'T YOU KNOW, YOU LITTLE THIEF, I
+COULD GET YOU TEN YEARS IN JAIL FUR STEALIN' MY APPLES?"
+
+_The Boy._ "EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY MISINFORMED. I
+SHOULD COME UNDER THE FIRST OFFENDERS ACT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Impending Apology.
+
+    "John Kelly, Aughanduff, while going to Dernaseer was attacked on
+    the road by a bull belonging to Thomas Kelly, and knocked down
+    and had three ribs broken. He was attended by Dr. ----, and we
+    think such dangerous animals should not be allowed to wander at
+    large."--_Irish Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "J.A.M. required for St. Mark's Girls' School, Dublin."--_Irish
+    Times_.
+
+A case for the FOOD CONTROLLER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a letter on "How we are to be Governed":--
+
+    "Are we in future to see the party whips put on to decide
+    whether a 16 in. gun is to be 50 or 60 calibres? The think is
+    unthinkable."--_The Times_.
+
+We don't think.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+153, SEPT. 5, 1917***
+
+
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