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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10595 ***
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 153.
+
+SEPTEMBER 19, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+There is no truth in the report that one of the most telling lines in
+the _National Anthem_ is to be revised so as to read "Confound their
+Scandiknavish tricks."
+
+       ***
+
+Grave fears are expressed in certain quarters that the Stockholm
+Conference has been "_spurlos versenkt_."
+
+       ***
+
+Someone has stolen the clock from St. Winefride's Church, Wimbledon.
+We hope that the culprit has responded to the universal appeals in the
+newspapers which urged him to put the clock back on Sunday last.
+
+       ***
+
+An Englishwoman living in the East has a servant-girl who, when told
+about the War, remarked, "What war?" Another snub for the KAISER.
+
+       ***
+
+"A Vegetarian" writes to accuse Lord RHONDDA of reducing the price of
+meat on purpose.
+
+       ***
+
+Tube fares are to be raised. An alternative project of issuing special
+tickets, entitling the holder to standing room, was reluctantly
+abandoned.
+
+       ***
+
+The Thames, says a contemporary, has come into its own again as
+a holiday resort. Many riparian owners, on the other hand, are
+complaining that it has come into theirs.
+
+       ***
+
+A trades union of undertakers' mutes has been formed. Their first act,
+it is believed, will be to strike for a fifty-year life.
+
+       ***
+
+We have been asked to explain that the Second Division in which Mr.
+E.D. MOREL is now serving is not the one that fought at the battle
+of Mons.
+
+       ***
+
+Two escaped German prisoners have been arrested at Wokingham by a
+local grocer. The report that he charged twopence each for delivery is
+without foundation.
+
+       ***
+
+At Leith Hill, in Surrey, trees are being felled by a number of
+unescaped German prisoners.
+
+       ***
+
+"Beans running to seed," says an informative daily paper, "should be
+picked and the small beans extracted." But the old custom of lying in
+wait for them on the return journey and stunning them with a flail
+still retains many adherents in the slow-moving countryside.
+
+       ***
+
+"I am the father of sweeps," declared an elderly employer to the
+West Kent Tribunal. He afterwards admitted, however, that the secret
+correspondence of Count LUXBURG had not been brought to his notice.
+
+       ***
+
+Acting, explained an applicant to the House of Commons' Tribunal, is
+regarded by many as a work of national importance. The Tribunal have
+generously arranged for him to storm a few barns in Flanders.
+
+       ***
+
+Sixty-eight thousand persons, it is stated, have visited the maze at
+Hampton Court this season. Others have been content to stay at home
+and study the sugar regulations.
+
+       ***
+
+The admission fee to a concert recently held for the benefit of the
+Southwark Military Hospital was one egg. None of the gate money, it
+seems, reached the performers.
+
+       ***
+
+According to the Town Crier of Dover, who has just retired after fifty
+years' service, town crying isn't what it was before the War. People
+_will_ listen to the bombs instead of attending to the properly
+constituted official.
+
+       ***
+
+A "History of the Russian Revolution" has been published. The pen may
+not be mightier than the sword to-day, but it manages to keep ahead
+of it.
+
+       ***
+
+A private in one of the London regiments has translated two
+hundred and fifty lines of _Paradise Lost_ into Latin verse during
+a sixteen-day spell in the trenches. The introduction of some
+counter-irritant into our public school curriculum is now thought
+to be inevitable.
+
+       ***
+
+The crew of the U-boat interned at Cadiz, says a Madrid correspondent,
+have been allowed to land on giving their word of honour not to leave
+Spain during the continuance of the War. The mystery of how the word
+of honour came into their possession is not explained.
+
+       ***
+
+Further evidence of the success of the U-boat starvation campaign has
+been thoughtlessly afforded the German Press by a London newspaper
+which has announced that burglars are now using practically nothing
+but skeleton keys.
+
+       ***
+
+No one has yet found anything that will conquer the wire-worm,
+says Professor J.R. DUNSTAN. We feel that the Professor is unduly
+pessimistic. Has he tried the effect of writing a letter to _The Daily
+Mail_ about it?
+
+       ***
+
+Things appear to be settling down in Mexico. Last week only one
+hundred of General CARRANZA'S men were annihilated by bandits.
+
+       ***
+
+The Berlin authorities have ordered a "Shaveless day." As a measure of
+frightfulness this is doomed to failure against an Army like ours with
+tanks which will eat their way through all sorts of entanglements.
+
+       ***
+
+Because an officer omitted to salute him, Field-Marshal VON HINDENBURG
+stopped his car and said, "I am HINDENBURG." We understand that the
+officer accepted the explanation.
+
+       ***
+
+"There is a scarcity of violins," says _The Evening News_. Some papers
+never know how to keep a secret.
+
+       ***
+
+Lundy Island has just been purchased by Mr. AUGUSTUS CHRISTIE, of
+North Devon. We are relieved to know it is still on the side of the
+Allies.
+
+       ***
+
+A grocer at Coalville, Leicestershire, riding a motor-bicycle without
+lights, is said to have offered two and a half pounds of sugar to a
+policeman to say nothing about it. Fortunately the constable, when he
+came out of his faint, remembered the number of the bicycle, and the
+man was summoned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "YOU ON GUARD TO-NIGHT, NOBBY?" "NAW." "WOT YER BIN AN'
+WASHED YER FACE FOR, THEN?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OFFICIAL RECTITUDE.
+
+SWEDEN ON THE LUXBURG INCIDENT.
+
+  We cannot think that we're to blame.
+    We took the very natural view
+  That one who bore a German name
+    Would be as open as the blue;
+  Would bathe in sunlight, like a lark,
+    So different from the worm or weevil,
+  Those crawling things that love the dark
+    Because their deeds are evil.
+
+  We thought his cables just referred
+    To harmless matters such as crops,
+  The timber-market's latest word,
+    The local fashions in the shops,
+  To German trade and German bands,
+    And how in Argentine and Sweden
+  And all that's left of neutral lands
+    To build a German Eden.
+
+  True he employed a secret code,
+    But who would guess at guile in that?
+  Unless he used the cryptic mode
+    He couldn't be a diplomat;
+  He wished (we thought) to be discreet,
+    Telling his friends how frail and fair is
+  The exotic feminine you meet
+    In bounteous Buenos Aires.
+
+  Why, then, should mud be thrown so hard
+    At Stockholm's faith? She merely meant
+  To show a neighbourly regard
+    Towards a nice belligerent;
+  For peaceful massage she was made;
+    Aloof from martial animosities,
+  She yearns with fingers gloved in suède
+    To temper war's callosities.
+
+  Such courtesy (one would have said)
+    Amid the waste of savage strife
+  Tends to maintain--what else were dead--
+    The sweet amenities of life;
+  And seeking ends so pure, so good,
+    So innocent, it _does_ surprise her
+  To be so much misunderstood
+    By all--except the KAISER.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRUDENT ORATOR.
+
+    "The Premier was accompanied by Mrs. Lloyd George and his
+    laughter."
+
+    _Irish Daily Telegraph_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Our new nippers are beginning to squeeze to some tune in France
+    and Belgium."
+
+    _Liverpool Daily Post_.
+
+Try a little oil.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We print (with shame and the consciousness of turpitude) the following
+letter:--
+
+    "_Bed 56, E Block_, 11/9/1917.
+
+    "DEAR SIR,--This morning I was reading your edition dated September
+    5, 1917. In the 'Charivaria' I saw an article in which you
+    proclaimed the North Pole to be the only territory that has not
+    had its neutrality violated by the Huns. I beg to draw your
+    attention to the South Pole.
+
+    "I remain, yours sincerely,
+
+    "A WOUNDED TOMMY."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WASHOUT.
+
+We had hardly settled down to Mess when an orderly, armed with a buff
+slip, shot through the door, narrowly missed colliding with the soup,
+and pulled up by Grigson's chair. Grigson is our Flight Commander--one
+of those rugged and impenetrable individuals who seem impervious
+to any kind of shock. There is a legend that on one occasion four
+machine-gun bullets actually hit him and bounced off, which gave the
+imitative Hun the idea of armour-plating his machines.
+
+Grigson took the slip and read, slowly and paraphrastically: "Night
+operations. A machine will be detailed to leave the ground at 10:30
+pip emma and lay three fresh eggs on the railway-station at ----.
+At the special request of the G.O.C.R.F.C., Lieutenant Maude, the
+well-known strafer, will oblige. Co-operation by B and C Flights."
+
+Lieutenant Maude, commonly known by a loose association of ideas as
+Toddles, buried a heightened complexion in a plate of now tepid soup.
+Someone having pulled him out and wiped him down, he was understood
+to remark that he would have preferred longer notice, as it had been
+his intention that night to achieve a decisive victory in the Flight
+ping-pong tournament.
+
+"Oh, but, Toddles," came a voice, "think how pleased old Fritz will
+be to see you. You'll miss the garden party, but you'll be in nice
+time for the fire-works--Verey lights and flaming onions and pretty
+searchlights. Don't you love searchlights, Toddles?"
+
+Toddles stretched out an ominous hand towards the siphon, and was only
+deterred from his fell intention by the entry of the C.O.
+
+"Oh, Grigson," said the C.O. pleasantly, "the Wing have just rung
+through to say they want that raid done at once, so you might get your
+man up _toute suite_."
+
+Toddles was exactly halfway through his fish.
+
+Now, though Toddles has never to my knowledge appeared before the C.O.
+at dead of night attired in pink silk pyjamas, begging with tears in
+his eyes to be allowed to perform those duties which the dawn would in
+any case impose upon him (this practice is not really very common in
+the R.F.C.), he is a thoroughly sound and conscientious little beggar.
+And, making allowances for the fallibility of human inventions,
+and the fact that two other young gentlemen were also engaged in
+the congenial task of making structural alterations to the railway
+station at ----, Toddles comes out of the affair with an untarnished
+reputation.
+
+Whether it was that his more fastidious taste in architecture detained
+him I do not know, but it was fully ten minutes after the others had
+landed before we who were watching on the aerodrome became aware that
+Toddles was coming home to roost. The usual signals were exchanged,
+and Toddles finished up a graceful descent by making violent contact
+with the ground, bouncing seven times and knocking over two flares
+before finally coming to rest. His machine appeared to be leaning on
+its left elbow in a slightly intoxicated condition.
+
+"Bust the V strut," said Toddles cheerfully. We assured him that one
+would hardly notice it. Grigson meanwhile had been examining the under
+carriage with scientific care, and turned to ask him how he had got
+on.
+
+"Bong," said Toddles, beaming; "absolutely bong. They spotted us, but
+Archie was off colour."
+
+"Did you see your pills burst?"
+
+Toddles beamed more emphatically than ever. "One in what I took to
+be the station yard, one right on the line, and one O.K. ammunition
+truck; terrific explosion--nearly upset me. Three perfectly good
+shots."
+
+So far Toddles' account agreed very fairly with the two we already
+had.
+
+"Didn't have any trouble with the release gear, I suppose?" said
+Grigson. "Nasty thing that. I've known it jam before now."
+
+"Well," answered Toddles, "it did stick a bit, but I just yanked it
+over and it worked."
+
+"Splendid!" said Grigson brightly. "A nice bit of work, and very
+thoughtful of you to bring home such jolly souvenirs."
+
+"Look here," replied Toddles with warmth, "who the devil are you
+getting at?"
+
+"Nothing; oh, nothing at all."
+
+Grigson moved away towards the Mess. "By the way," he said, "you're
+quite certain they were your own shots? I should have a good look at
+that under carriage if I were you."
+
+We all went down on hands and knees. Lying placidly in the rack with
+an air of well-merited ease born of the consciousness that they had,
+without any effort of their own, avoided a fatiguing duty, were three
+large bombs.
+
+"Er--ah--hum," said Toddles. "Now then, Sergeant, hurry up and get
+this machine back into the shed!"
+
+And the Sergeant's face was the best joke of all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Man, handy at vice, been in motor repair shop."--_Daily
+    Chronicle_.
+
+Still, it must not be assumed that life in a garage is necessarily
+fatal to virtue.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PERFECT INNOCENCE.
+
+CONSTABLE WOODROW WILSON. "THAT'S A VERY MISCHIEVOUS THING TO DO."
+
+SWEDEN. "PLEASE, SIR, I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS LOADED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+LXV.
+
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--I feel some hesitation in passing the following
+story on to you, less from the fear of what it will divulge to the
+enemy than from the fear of what it may divulge to our own people. As
+far as the enemy is concerned be it stated boldly that the train was
+going to Paris and "I" got into it at Amiens. Yes, HINDENBURG, there
+_is_ a place called Paris and there _is_ a place called Amiong. Now
+what are you going to do about it? As far as our own people are
+concerned it is asked of them that, if ever they come to read it, they
+may not inquire too closely as to who "I" may be.
+
+It is a long train and there is only one dining-car. Those who don't
+get into the car at Amiens don't dine; there is accordingly some
+competition, especially on the part of the military element, of which
+the majority is proceeding to Paris on leave and doesn't propose to
+start its outing by going without its dinner. Only the very fit or the
+very cunning survive. Having got in myself among the latter category
+I was not surprised to see, among the former category, a large and
+powerful Canadian Corporal.
+
+If he can afford to pay for his dinner there is no reason, I suppose,
+why even a corporal should not dine. If he can manage to snaffle a
+seat in the car there is certainly no reason why a French Commandant
+should not dine. There is every reason, I imagine, for railway
+companies to furnish their dining-cars with those little tables for
+two which bring it about that a pair of passengers, who have never
+seen each other before and have not elected to meet on this occasion,
+find themselves together, for a period, on the terms of the most
+complete and homely intimacy. Lastly, the attendant had every reason
+to put the Corporal and the Commandant to dine together, for there was
+nowhere else to put either of them.
+
+What would have happened if this had taken place ten years ago, and
+the French Commandant had been an English Major? The situation, of
+course, simply could not have arisen; it would have been unthinkable.
+But if it had arisen the train would certainly have stopped for good;
+probably the world would have come to an end. As it was, what did
+happen? Let me say at once that both the Corporal and the Commandant
+behaved with a generosity which was entirely delightful; the
+Corporal's was pecuniary generosity, the Commandant's generosity of
+spirit. This was as it should be, and both were true to type.
+
+Quick though the French are at the uptake, it took the good Commandant
+just a little while to settle down to the odd position. This was not
+the size and shape and manner of man with whom he was used to take
+his meals. As an officer one feels one's responsibilities on these
+public occasions, and I felt I ought to intervene and to do something
+to rearrange the general position. But at the start I caught the
+Corporal's eye, and there was in it such a convincing look of
+"Whatever I may do I mean awfully well," that I just sat still and
+did nothing.
+
+The awkward pause was over before the soup was finished. Rough
+good-nature and subtle good sense soon combined to eliminate arbitrary
+distinctions. The Commandant won the first credit by starting a
+conversation; it was really the only thing to do. Had the Commandant
+and I been opposite each other we should probably have dined in polite
+silence. But the Corporal was one of those red-faced burly people with
+whom you have, if you are close to them, either to laugh or fight.
+
+The Commandant was not inwardly afraid; he was innately polite. He
+talked pleasantly to his _vis-à-vis_. The Corporal, a trifle abashed
+at first, listened deferentially, but as the good food enlivened him
+he ceased to be abashed and became cordial. From cordial he became
+affable, from affable affectionate, and from affectionate he passed to
+that degree of friendship in which you lean across the dinner-table,
+tap a man on the shoulder and call him "old pal." Finally, he insisted
+upon the Commandant cracking with him a bottle of champagne. I give
+the Commandant full marks for not persisting in his refusal.
+
+A draught or two of champagne has, as you may be aware, the effect of
+developing to an extreme any friendly feelings you may at the moment
+happen to possess ...
+
+The train chanced to stop just after dinner was finished, and the
+Commandant, seizing his opportunity, hurriedly paid his bill and got
+into another carriage. My _vis-à-vis_ also left the car, though I must
+confess that I had not stood _him_ so much as a glass of beer. I and
+the Canadian Corporal were left facing each other, and the position
+was such that I couldn't avoid his eye. I had no feelings with regard
+to him, but I simply could not smile at him, since I do not like
+champagne. So I suppose I must have frowned at him; anyhow, he came
+along and sat down at my table in order to explain at length that he
+was not drunk.
+
+He wasn't drunk, and I had never said he was, and I was not in the
+least interested in his theme, until he got to the point of what his
+main reason was for not being drunk. This, I admit, interested me
+deeply. "When we get to Parry," said he, "we shall be met by Military
+Police, and they will ask to see our papers. And if my papers weren't
+in order and if I wasn't in order myself I should be put under arrest
+and sent back again. And I don't mean to be sent back, and I have all
+my papers in order and I'm in order myself." And, dash it all, the
+fellow was right, and when we got to the Gare du Nord there were the
+Military Police as large as life, and clearly there was no avoiding
+them.
+
+At first I didn't quite know what to do about it, but a little thought
+decided me. "There are your M.P.," I said to the Corporal, as we
+trooped slowly out of the dining-car. "I'm afraid I'll have to ask you
+to come along with me and interview one of them." Giving him no time
+to argue, I led him straight to the Police Sergeant and insisted
+upon this case being dealt with before all others. "I must ask you,
+Sergeant, to make this man produce his papers. I have reason to doubt
+whether he is in order."
+
+The Corporal began to expostulate, but the Sergeant adopted the
+none-of-that-I-know-all-about-your-sort attitude which is so
+admirable in these officials. The Corporal produced some papers and
+tendered them indignantly. The Police Sergeant remained impassively
+unconvinced, but gave me one fleeting look, as if he wondered whether
+I had put him on to a good thing. "There are papers and papers," said
+I, as if I too knew all about the business. "Let us see if they are in
+order." The Sergeant's instinct had already told him that the papers
+were quite in order, and he was all for cutting the business short and
+getting out of it as quickly as he could. But I insisted upon the most
+minute examination and would not give in and admit my mistake until
+the Sergeant practically ordered us both off the station.
+
+Having given the Sergeant to understand that he was to blame for
+the Corporal's papers being in order, I allowed myself to be passed
+on. The Corporal followed me; he wanted an explanation. When we got
+outside the station I let him catch me up, because I thought he was
+entitled to one.
+
+"Will you allow me to ask why you did that, Sir?" he said very
+indignantly but not rudely. "You knew that I had my papers, Sir, and
+that they were in order."
+
+"Yes," I said. "But I knew that my own weren't."
+
+His cheeks suffused with the most jovial red I have ever seen.
+
+"In the very strictest confidence, Corporal," I said, "_I_ haven't any
+papers."
+
+I didn't know that a human laugh could be so loud. On the whole I
+think it was a good thing that we had arrived in Paris after closing
+time, since otherwise, in spite of my dislike of the stuff, I'm sure
+that three more bottles of the most expensive brand would have been
+cracked. I should have had to stand one; he would have positively
+insisted on standing two.
+
+Yours ever,
+
+HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Skipper of Drifter (who has been fined thirty-five
+shillings for losing a pair of binoculars)._ "PROPER JUSTICE I CALLS
+IT; MY BROTHER-IN-LAW LOSES HIS WHOLE BLINKING DRIFTER AND YOU DON'T
+FINE 'IM A BLOOMING CENT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tommy._ "'E'S A WONDER AN' NO MISTAKE. I CAN'T TEACH
+MY OLD DAWG AT HOME TO DO ANYTHINK."
+
+_Pal._ "AH, BUT YER SEE, MATEY, YOU 'AVE TO KNOW MORE 'N A DAWG, OR
+YER CAN'T LEARN 'IM NUTHIN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SIGN OF THE TIMES.
+
+    "YOUNG LADY Wants post as Housekeeper to working man."--_Halifax
+    Evening Courier_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Planers (large letters) Wanted, for machine tool work; good
+    bonus; war work; permanent job."--_Daily Dispatch_.
+
+Pessimist!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WHAT DISABLED SOLDIERS SHOULD KNOW.
+
+    "That there is no such word as 'imossible' in his
+    dictionary."--_Canadian Paper_.
+
+Correct.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "M. Polychromads, Green Chargé d'Affaires, has left London for
+    the Hague."--_Sunday Times_.
+
+It is an unfortunate colour, but with a name like that he can always
+try one of the others.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The canker of indiscipline and the wine of liberty have
+    shaken the Russian Army to its foundations."--_"Times" Russian
+    Correspondent_.
+
+While the tide of new life that was kindled by the torch of revolution
+seems destined to crumble into dust.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRIUMPHAL PROGRESS.
+
+There are few phases of the War--subsidiary phases, side-issues,
+marginalia--more interesting, I think, than the return of the natives:
+the triumphant progress, through their old haunts and among their old
+friends, of the youths, recently civilians, but now tried and tested
+warriors; lately so urban and hesitating and immature, but now so
+seasoned and confident and of the world. And particularly I have
+in mind the return of the soldier to his house of business, and
+his triumphant progress through the various departments, gathering
+admiration and homage and even wonder. I am not sure that wonder does
+not come first, so striking can the metamorphosis be.
+
+When he left he was often only a boy. Very likely rather a young
+terror in his way: shy before elders, but a desperate wag with his
+contemporaries. He had a habit of whistling during office hours; he
+took too long for dinner, and was much given to descending the stairs
+four at a time and shaking the premises, blurring the copying-book
+and under-stamping the letters. When sent to the bank, a few yards
+distant, he was absent for an hour. Cigarettes and late hours may have
+given him a touch of pastiness.
+
+To-day, what a change! Tall, well-set-up and bronzed, he is a model of
+health and strength. His eyes meet all our eyes frankly; he has done
+nothing to be ashamed of: there is no unposted letter in his pocket,
+no consciousness of a muddled telephone message in his head. To be on
+the dreaded carpet of the manager's room was once an ordeal; to-day he
+can drop cigarette-ash on it and turn never a hair.
+
+"Oh yes," he says, "he has been under fire. Knows it backwards. Knows
+the difference in sound between all the shells. So far he's been very
+lucky, but, Heavens! the pals he's lost! Terrible things happen, but
+one gets numbed--apathetic, you know.
+
+"What does it feel like to go over the top? The first time it's a
+rotten feeling, but you get used to that too. War teaches you what you
+can get used to, by George it does! He wouldn't have believed it, but
+there--"
+
+And so on. All coming quite naturally and simply; no swank, no false
+modesty.
+
+"This is his first leave since he went to France, and he thought he
+must come to see the firm first of all. Sad about poor old Parkins,
+wasn't it? Killed directly. And Smithers' leg--that was bad too. Rum
+to see such a lot of girls all over the place, doing the boys' jobs.
+Well, well, it's a strange world, and who would have thought all this
+was going to happen?..."
+
+Such is his conversation on the carpet. In the great clerks' room,
+where there are now so many girls, he is a shade more of a dog. The
+brave, you know, can't be wholly unconscious of the fair, and as I
+pass through I catch the same words, but spoken with a slightly more
+heroic ring.
+
+"Lord, yes, you get used even to going over the top. A rotten feeling
+the first time, but you get used to it. That's one of the rum things
+about war, it teaches you what you can get used to. You get apathetic,
+you know. That's the word--apathetic: used to anything. Standing for
+hours in water up to your knees. Sleeping among rats." (Here some
+pretty feminine squeals.) "It is a fact," he swears to them. "Rats
+running over you half the night, and now and then a shell bursting
+close by."
+
+Standing at his own old desk as he talks, he looks even taller and
+stronger than before--by way of contrast, I suppose, and as I pass
+out I wonder if he will ever be able to bring himself to resume it.
+
+Having occasion, a little while later, to go downstairs among the
+warehousemen, where female labour has not yet penetrated. I hear him
+again, and notice that his language has become more free. Safely
+underground he extends himself a little.
+
+"Over the top?" he is saying. "Yes, three blinking times. What does it
+feel like the first time? Well--" and he tells them how it feels, in a
+way that I can't reproduce here, but vivid as lightning compared with
+his upstairs manner. And still he remains the clean forthright youth
+who sees his duty a dead sure thing, and does it, even though he may
+be perplexed now and then.
+
+"So long!" they say, old men-friends and new girl-acquaintances
+crowding round him as at last he tears himself away (and watching him
+from the distance I am inclined to think that, if he gets through, he
+will come back to us after all). "So long!" they say. "Take care of
+yourself."
+
+"You bet!" he replies. "But the question is, Shall I be allowed to?
+What price the Hun?" And with a "So long, all!" he is gone.
+
+All over London, in the big towns all over Great Britain, are these
+triumphant progresses going on.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  "Wanted, a good Private Wash; good drying
+  place."--_High Peak News_.
+
+We respect the advertiser's dislike of publicity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"JONG."
+
+    _(Lines suggested by an Australian aboriginal
+    place-name commonly known by its last syllable.)_
+
+  Fine names are found upon the map--
+    Kanturk and Chirk and Cong,
+  Grogtown and Giggleswick and Shap,
+    Chowbent and Chittagong;
+  But other places, less renowned,
+  In richer euphony abound
+    Than the familiar throng;
+  For instance, there is Beeyah-byyah-bunniga-nelliga-jong.
+
+  In childhood's days I took delight
+    In LEAR'S immortal Dong,
+  Whose nose was luminously bright,
+    Who sang a silvery song.
+  He did not terrify the birds
+  With strange and unpropitious words
+    Of double-edged _ontong_;
+  I'm sure he hailed from Beeyah-byyah-bunniga-nelliga-jong.
+
+  _Prince Giglio's_ bag, the fairy's gift,
+    Helped him to right the wrong,
+  Encouraged diligence and thrift,
+    And "opened with a pong;"
+  But though its magic powers were great
+  It could not quite ejaculate
+    A word so proud and strong
+  And beautiful as Beeyah-byyah-bunniga-nelliga-jong.
+
+  I crave no marble pleasure-dome,
+    No forks with golden prong;
+  Like HORACE, in a frugal home
+    I'd gladly rub along,
+  Contented with the humblest cot
+  Or shack or hut, if it had got
+    A name like Billabong,
+  Or, better still, like Beeyah-byyah-bunniga-nelliga-jong.
+
+  Sweet is the music of the spheres,
+    Majestic is Mong Blong,
+  And bland the beverage that cheers,
+    Called Sirupy Souchong;
+  But sweeter, more inspiring far
+  Than tea or peak or tuneful star
+    I deem it to belong
+  To such a place as Beeyah-byyah-bunniga-nelliga-jong.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR STYLISTS.
+
+    "It is the desire of the Management that nothing of an
+    objectionable character shall appear on the stage or in the
+    auditorium, and they ask the co-operation of the audience
+    in suppressing same by apprising them of anything that may
+    escape their notice."
+
+    _From a provincial Hippodrome programme._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the evidence in a juvenile larceny case:--
+
+    "The Father: Devils seem to be getting into everyone nowadays,
+    not only in boys, but in human beings."
+
+    _Devon and Exeter Gazette_.
+
+A delicate distinction.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Win-the-War Vice-President of our Supply Depot (doing
+grand rounds)._ "HERE AGAIN IS A FIFTH GLARING EXAMPLE. THE HEM OF
+THIS BAG IS AN EIGHTEENTH OF AN INCH TOO WIDE. GET THEM ALL REMADE.
+WE CANNOT HAVE THE LIVES OF OUR TROOPS ENDANGERED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MIXED LETTER-BAG.
+
+    (_Prompted by "Thrifty Colleen's" letter in "The Times"
+    of September 12._)
+
+CRUELTY TO VEGETABLES.
+
+SIR,--May I be allowed to protest with all the vigour at my command
+against the revolting suggestion that, with the view of making cakes
+from potatoes they should be first boiled in their skins. I admit that
+this is better than that they should be boiled without them, but that
+is all. The potato is notoriously a sensitive plant. Personally I
+regard it more in the light of an emblem than a vegetable. That it is
+not necessary as an article of food can be conclusively proved from
+the teaching of history, for, as a famous poet happily puts it--
+
+  "In ancient and heroic days,
+    The days of Scipios and Catos,
+  The Western world pursued its ways
+    Triumphantly without potatoes."
+
+If, however, the shortage of cereals demands that potatoes should
+be used as a substitute for wheat, I suggest that, instead of being
+subjected to the barbarous treatment described above, they should be
+granted a painless death by chloroform or some other anæsthetic.
+
+I am, Sir, yours truly,
+
+POTATOPHIL.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ERIN'S INCUBUS.
+
+SIR,--A great deal of fuss is being made over Irish potato-cakes. Why
+Irish? The tradition that the potato is the Irish national vegetable
+is a hoary fallacy that needs to be exploded once and for all. It is
+nothing of the sort. The potato was introduced into the British Isles
+by Sir WALTER RALEIGH, a truculent Elizabethan imperialist of the
+worst type, transplanted into Ireland by the English garrison, and
+fostered by them for the impoverishment of the Irish physique. The
+deliberations of the National Convention now sitting in Dublin will
+be doomed to disaster unless they insist, as the first plank of their
+programme, on the elimination of this ill-omened root. If ST. PATRICK
+had only lived a few centuries later he would have treated the potato
+as he did the frogs and snakes.
+
+I am, Sir, Yours rebelliously,
+
+SHANE FINN.
+
+       ***
+
+A DANGEROUS DISH.
+
+SIR,--May I put in a mild _caveat_ against excessive indulgence in
+potato-cakes, based on an experience in my undergraduate days at
+Trinity College, Cambridge, when WHEWELL was Master? One Sunday I was
+invited to supper at the MASTER'S, and a dish of potato-cakes formed
+part of the collation. WHEWELL was a man of robust physique and hearty
+appetite, and I noted that he ate no fewer than thirteen, considerably
+more than half the total. Whether it was owing to the unlucky number
+or the richness of the cakes I cannot say, but the fact remains that
+the MASTER was seriously indisposed on the following day and unable
+to deliver a lecture on the Stoic Philosophy, to which I had greatly
+looked forward. I cannot help thinking that PYTHAGORAS, who enjoined
+his disciples to "abstain from beans," would, if he were now alive,
+be inclined to revise that cryptic precept and bid us "abstain from
+potatoes," or, at any rate, from over-indulgence in hot potato-cakes.
+
+I am, Sir, Yours faithfully,
+
+CANTAB.
+
+       ***
+
+WANTED--A NEW NAME.
+
+SIR,--If a thing is to make a success a good name is indispensable.
+The potato has been handicapped for centuries by its ridiculous name,
+which is almost as cumbrous as "cauliflower" and even more unsightly
+to the eye. It is futile to talk of a "tuber" since that means a hump
+or bump or truffle. No, if you are to get people to eat potato-cakes
+you must devise a more dignified and attractive name; and it would be
+good policy for the FOOD CONTROLLER to offer a large prize for the
+best suggestion, Mr. EUSTACE MILES, Mr. EDMUND GOSSE and Mr. HALL
+CAINE to act as adjudicators.
+
+I am, Sir, Yours obediently,
+
+EARTH-APPLE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "HULLO! WHERE'S BABY? I THOUGHT HE WAS WITH YOU."
+"SO HE IS, AUNTIE; BUT HE THOUGHT YOU WERE COMING TO FETCH HIM IN,
+SO HE'S OVER THERE, CAMMYFLAGING HIMSELF WITH A TOWEL."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THOROUGHNESS.
+
+It is generally agreed that the War has given women great chances, and
+that women for the most part have taken them. Where they have not,
+but have preferred frivolity, it is not always their own fault, but
+the result of outside pressure. Such a paragraph, for example, as the
+following, by "Lady Di," in _The Sunday Evening Telegram_, is hardly a
+clarion call to efficiency:--
+
+"This recurrence of night raids has made business brisk in the
+lingerie salons, especially among flatland dwellers, for it's quite
+the thing now to have coffee and cake parties after a raid, with
+brandy neat in liqueur glasses for those whose nerves have been
+shaken. And such parties do give chances for the exhibition of those
+dainty garments that usually you have to admire all by yourself. Which
+reminds me. Don't forget an anklet and a wristlet of black velvet--the
+wristlet on the right and the anklet on the left!"
+
+Since "Lady Di" is out for making the most of every opportunity,
+and since even she might forget something, I am minded to help her,
+two heads being often better than one. Air raids are not the only
+unforseen perils. Surely some such paragraph as this would be useful
+and indicate zeal:--
+
+The escape of German prisoners being of almost daily occurrence, it
+would be well for all women who wish never to be taken unawares to be
+prepared to look their best should one of these creatures meet them.
+For nothing is lost by looking nice; indeed it is one's duty to be
+smart, lest dowdiness should give him the impression that England
+really is suffering from the War. A costume which I have designed
+to be seen in by escaping German prisoners is a "simple" one-piece
+(not peace) frock--which, when built by a real artist, can be so
+intriguing. Of ninon, for choice, with a Duvetyn hat. Carry a
+gold purse and lift the skirt high enough to show the finest silk
+stockings.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CROSSBILLS.
+
+  A Northern pinewood once we knew,
+    My dear, when younger by some lustres,
+  Where little painted crossbills flew
+    And pecked among the fir-cone clusters;
+      They hobnobbed and sidled
+        In coats all aflame,
+      While young Autumn idled,
+        And we did the same.
+
+  They're cutting down the wood, I hear,
+    To make it into war material,
+  And, where the crossbills came, this year
+    Their firs are lying most funereal;
+      There's steam saw-mills humming
+        And engines at haul,
+      A new Winter coming
+        And more trees to fall.
+
+  Ah, well, let's hope when Peace at length
+    Is here, and when our young plantations
+  In days unborn have got the strength
+    And pride of ancient generations,
+      The red birds shall show there
+        From tree to dark tree,
+      If two folk should go there
+        As friendly as we!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RUSSIA FIRST. RUSSIA (_to the Spirit of Revolution_).
+"THROW DOWN THAT TORCH AND COME AND FIGHT FOR ME AGAINST THE ENEMY OF
+LIBERTY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? WE ARE READY FOR YOU TO BEGIN."
+
+"YES, MADAM. WE ARE JUST TUNING UP."
+
+"_TUNING UP!_ WHY, I ENGAGED YOU TWO MONTHS AGO!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BELLAIRS ON MAN-POWER.
+
+MR. BELLAIRS, it will be remembered, was the first to discover the
+possibilities of proving (by figures) the dwindling reserves of
+hostile man-power. His estimates, based upon pure reason, personal
+experience and some two tons of figures, have been carefully revised
+and brought to date, more especially for the benefit of those busy
+people who cannot take a holiday by the sea, but like to solace
+themselves at home with a weekly immersion in _Mud and Water_.
+
+_Germany_.
+
+Here Mr. BELLAIRS is the first to admit a slight inaccuracy in his
+previous calculations. Germany has now eight men, instead of four, on
+the Western Front. It would appear from these numbers that the enemy
+attaches greater importance to defending his line on this Front than
+on any other.
+
+_Russia_.
+
+There are five (and one in reserve) on the Russian Front. The Russian
+retreat is explained to be due to artfully inculcated Christian
+Science (made in Germany), which has persuaded the Russians to
+entertain the belief that they are being heavily attacked.
+
+_Austria_.
+
+Austria is reputed on her last legs (three altogether). Her one man
+and a boy are fighting with the nonchalance of despair to resist the
+Allied pressure. Good news may be expected from this Front shortly.
+
+_Bulgaria_.
+
+The warfare of attrition has never shown such excellent results as
+in the case of Bulgaria. Her army of trained goats is now the only
+barrier to the vengeance of the Serbs.
+
+_Turkey_.
+
+According to the latest report the Turkish Army has lost its rifle. It
+is hoped that every advantage will be taken of our momentary superior
+armament.
+
+_China_.
+
+As a last resort Germany is sending her remaining Hun to attack the
+Chinese. What they can hope to achieve by so prodigal a waste of
+"cannon-fodder" is difficult to see.
+
+_Rumania_.
+
+There is no news on the Rumanian Front. It is thought that there is
+nobody there.
+
+_Palestine_.
+
+In Palestine both sides have withdrawn their troops and the battle is
+proceeding without them.
+
+When one realises that against these weakening and ever decreasing
+forces our Allies will still have a reserve of 80,000,000 by the
+Spring of 1925, it is impossible to take an otherwise than optimistic
+view of the situation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INTENSIVE RAINFALL.
+
+    "CUMBERLAND and WESTMORELAND.--After a ten weeks' drought
+    we have had three weeks' rain every day."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Officer's camp kit wanted, in good condition, Sam Browne
+    belt (5 ft. 7), haversack, &c."--_Scotsman_.
+
+In readiness for this hero's arrival at the Front the
+communication-trenches are being specially widened.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"I WISH--
+
+    "That it were possible to get frying-pans that would stand
+    LEVEL when one is cooking in them."--_Home Chat_.
+
+It is so awkward to be tilted out of the frying-pan into the fire.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _C.O. (to sentry)._ "DO YOU KNOW THE DEFENCE SCHEME FOR
+THIS SECTOR OF THE LINE, MY MAN?"
+
+_Tommy._ "YES, SIR."
+
+_C.O._ "WELL, WHAT IS IT, THEN?"
+
+_Tommy._ "TO STAY 'ERE AND FIGHT LIKE 'ELL."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT OFFENCE.
+
+As everybody knows, a Gurkha is first of all a rifleman, but apart
+from his rifle (which to a hill-man is both meat and raiment) there
+are two other treasures very dear to the little man's heart. These are
+his kukri and his umbrella--symbols of war and peace; and, although he
+knows the weapon proper to each state and can dispense (none better)
+with superfluities, there must have been many times in France when the
+absence of his umbrella has caused him a bitter nostalgia. "Battle
+is blessed by Allah and no man tires thereof," but trenches are of
+the Shaitan, and from the same malevolent one comes the ever-raging
+bursat, the pitiless drenching rain, that falls where a man may not
+strip.
+
+With his kukri he did wonders out there on stilly nights, when he
+wriggled "over the top," gripping its good blade in his teeth. Then
+No Man's Land became a jungle and the Bosch a beast whose dispatch
+was swift and sure under his cunning wrist. Dawn would find him
+squatting in the corner of his dug-out sleeping as one who has sweet
+dreams--dreams maybe of counting the decapitated before an admiring
+crowd in his native city, himself again the dapper young dog of
+Darrapore.
+
+No kilted Jock goes with more swagger down Princes Street than Johnny
+Gurkha down the bazaar of Darrapore, particularly in the evening, when
+he doffs khaki for the mufti suit of his clan--the spotless white
+shorts, coat of black sateen, little cocked cap and brightly bordered
+stockings--a _mode de rigueur_ that would be robbed of its final
+_cachet_ without the black umbrella, tucked well up under the arm.
+
+A splendid warrior; in private life a bit of a _Don Juan_, perhaps;
+but his womenfolk bear him no grudge on this score, liking themselves
+to sail easy through matrimonial seas.
+
+When I returned to the depôt a month ago there were tales, but, as
+our old Subadar-Major observed, "War brought little disturbances. The
+mischief was unfortunate, perhaps, but not irremediable," and, as the
+Subadar had himself been on service in China for a matter of three
+years, he knew what he was talking about.
+
+As for the tales, well, I was reminded of them a few days ago on
+making a tour of the lines to see that quarters were clean and
+habitable for the next batch of invalids. There would be hospital
+for some, for others the sunny little married quarters, and round
+there wives were bustling with glee, making no secret of their late
+coquetries, but manifestly glad of the return of their former lords.
+
+Brass pots were being scoured in the doorways; babies sprawled in the
+sun; a smell of cooking sweetmeats filled the air; a band of small
+urchins in the roadway, wearing the sham accoutrements of war, was
+prancing blithely to the song of "Lang-taraf-Tippalaerlee," and
+as their leader pulled up to give me a grave and perfect salute I
+recognised the son of old Bahadur Rai.
+
+Now Bahadur Rai would be returning, and, as I recalled the man, I
+wondered how he would take the news of Bibi, his capricious wife, for
+I had heard (unofficially) that she had no intention of leaving the
+lines of the 2nd Battalion, or the dashing young Naik Indrase. This
+might be a bit awkward, I mused, remembering the tough little chap who
+had been so popular with us all by reason of being the best _shikari_
+in the regiment. His incorrigible love of sport may have made the
+defaulter's sheet ugly (and there's no denying that "Absent with
+leave" does not lead to quick promotion); but that was in the good
+old days. Now he was returning covered with glory, and I was sorry
+about Bibi.
+
+The train arrived at noon with what our travelled Babu calls the
+"blissies." They were nearly all marked "P.D.", and I hope it may be
+given to me to look as cheerful when my turn comes to be Permanently
+Disabled.
+
+It was worth a week's pay to see the grins on their brown puckered
+faces and hear their husky contented salaams as they were lifted from
+the train. Blankets, top-coats, pillows, and other items belonging
+to the State were gaily abandoned, but every man clung with tenacity
+to his tunic and his water-bottle, for was there not a collection of
+trophies in those bulging pockets and sea-water in those battered
+bottles? Real salt sea-water, for the taste and enlightenment of
+incredulous elders.
+
+Outside the station the usual crowd had gathered, where it disported
+itself like a herd of wild elephants. Veteran bandsmen played the
+regimental march; casual minstrels blew conches or banged tom-toms;
+and when at last the ambulance waggons moved off, drawn by oxen that
+wore blue bead necklaces, and marigolds over their ears, one had the
+proud satisfaction of feeling that the most perfect organisation in
+the world could not have given our fine fellows a reception more after
+their own hearts.
+
+When we reached the parade-ground the scene was still merry and
+bright, for there Gurkha ladies were massed in their many-coloured
+_saris_, chattering for all the world like the parrakeets they
+resembled. Dogs barked; pet names were squealed; old men waved their
+staffs; children clung to the waggons and whooped, and when the
+cortège finally turned into the hospital compound and I cantered back
+to the lines I wondered what a London bobby would have made of the
+heterogeneous traffic that littered the Darrapore Road. I had to sit
+tight in office to get level with work that evening, and the mess
+bugle was dwelling maliciously on its top note when at last I put
+down my pen.
+
+Then the door opened and with a confederate mysterious air the orderly
+announced Bahadur Rai. (Heavens!)
+
+"And the Sahib?" the Bahadur was asking in swift Nepalese after a
+wealth of salutations was over. "Can but one arm do all this?" waving
+towards my bulging files.
+
+"One does not want two hands to write with, you know, Bahadur."
+
+"True. But the shooting?" he added sadly.
+
+"We'll have that again too some day. Great things are done in Vilayat,
+where I go when peace comes. And you? You have done well, Bahadur."
+
+"Well enough," he admitted with a trace of pride, Then, after a pause,
+"The 2nd Battalion starts on service to-morrow, Sahib?"
+
+"Yes. A few men will be left at the depôt--not those of any use."
+
+"And Naik Indrase, does he go?"
+
+"No. The Colonel-Sahib put his name down long ago for station duty."
+
+"Then I desire leave, your Honour. I want to visit 2nd Battalion
+lines."
+
+"Ah! Put it off a bit," I urged weakly. "It's rough getting across the
+nullah, and with that crutch--"
+
+There was silence. "Your son?" I began irrelevantly.
+
+"My son does well and grows fast, Allah be praised. Later he will come
+to the hills to learn the ways of a gun. Even now he has the heart of
+a lion," added the proud father with a return of the old twinkle in
+his eyes. "But of this other matter. Perhaps the Sahib has heard what
+the Naik has done?"
+
+"Yes," I admitted reluctantly. "I visited your house this morning. All
+was in order, and I gave instructions about the roof, which--"
+
+"It is already repaired," interrupted the old fellow quickly, "and my
+mother has arranged all things well within. But the Naik, Sahib. It is
+necessary that I should beat him. The Sahib has heard--"
+
+"About Bibi? Yes. But he will give her up," I said confidently.
+
+"Bibi? He can keep Bibi. She was ever swift with her tongue and liked
+not the ways of _shikaris_. Yes, he can keep Bibi," added Bahadur Rai
+without bitterness. "But, Sahib"--and here the little man's voice rose
+almost to a scream of indignation--"that was not the _worst_. The Naik
+must be beaten, and _well_ beaten, for he took, not Bibi alone--he
+took _my umbrella!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "YOU'VE GOT _SOME_ ROCKERY HERE, DAD, SINCE I LEFT."
+
+"HUSH! NOT A WORD. IT'S COAL, MY BOY, WHITEWASHED! CELLAR'S FULL UP."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROPAGANDA FRIGHTFULNESS.
+
+(_It is reported that the German Minister to Patagonia, with the
+assistance of the Swedish Chargé d'Affaires, has caused the following
+Proclamation to be distributed, along with a translation into the
+vernacular, among the natives; alleging that it reproduces a leaflet
+composed by the ALL-HIGHEST and dropped from a German aeroplane over
+the London district._)
+
+This is a know-making to my Britisch Underthanes addressed. Be it
+known that from to-day on the Britisch Empire my Empire is, and all
+Britisch Men, Fraus and Childer are Germans. The folgende are now
+rules:--
+
+(1) I make all Laws alone and nobody with me interfere must.
+
+(2) When a Man or Frau or Child a mile from me laughs it is as when
+into my All-Highest Face gelaughed is and the Strafe shall the Death
+be.
+
+(3) Who me sees shall flat on the Earth fall and shall him there until
+I my gracious Hand wave keep.
+
+(4) The German Sprache shall the Britisch Folk's Sprache be
+and every Englisch Man who German not sprech kann shall with a
+by-Proclamation-to-be-declared-Strafe gestrafed be.
+
+(5) German at the Table Manners shall by all Britisch Childer gelernt
+be.
+
+(6) Everyone shall German Soldiers salute. If any one misses this to
+do shall the Soldier the Right have him through the body with a sword
+to run.
+
+(7) Only German Cigars and Tabak shall gesmokt be.
+
+(8) The Newspapers shall every day print an Artikel me for my good
+Heart, my Genius and my Condescension praising.
+
+(9) It shall a Picture of me in every House be.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN OPEN-AIR VARIETY ENTERTAINMENT AT THE FRONT
+
+WITH "OCCASIONAL MUSIC BY THE ANTI-AIRCRAFT SECTION."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"THE YELLOW TICKET."
+
+If Mr. MICHAEL MORTON doesn't mind my not taking his original play too
+seriously I don't mind telling him how much I enjoyed it. It is quite
+a neat example of the shocker--an agreeable form of entertainment for
+the simple and the jaded. The chief properties are a yellow ticket and
+a hat-pin. Both belong to the innocent and beautiful Jewish heroine,
+_Anna Mirol_.
+
+It appears that she wanted to leave the pale to go to see her dying
+father in Petersburg, and the police, who will have their grim
+joke against a Jewess, offer her "the most powerful passport in
+Russia"--the yellow ticket of Rahab. She accepts it desperately,
+and, to escape its horrible obligations, enters an English family
+as governess, under an assumed name. Here the head of the sinister
+Okhrana (Secret Police Bureau), a sleek red-haired sensualist, _Baron
+Stepan Andreyeff_, and a chivalrous but tactless English journalist,
+_Julian Rolfe_, become acquainted with her. The latter wishes to marry
+her; the former's intentions are strictly dishonourable, and with the
+aid of his ubiquitous secret policemen he persecutes her, using his
+power to set her free from the attentions of his detestable minions
+for bargaining purposes in a perfectly Hunnish manner. Discreet
+servants, locked doors, champagne, a perfectly priceless dressing
+jacket, a sliding panel disclosing a luxuriously appointed
+bedroom--all these resources are at his disposal.
+
+But he reckons without her hatpin, which in the course of his
+deplorably abrupt attempts at seduction she pushes adroitly into his
+heart, and next day well-informed St. Petersburg winks discreetly
+when it learns that the _Baron_ has died after an operation for
+appendicitis.
+
+How that nice young man, _Julian_, is more than a match for the
+forthright methods of the Okhrana is for you to go and find out.
+
+Mr. ALLAN AYNESWORTH'S finished skill was reinforced by a quite
+admirable make-up, though only a policeman of very melodrama could
+have missed that brilliant pate as it shone balefully over the
+inadequate chair in which he sat concealed while his subordinate was
+bullying the hapless _Anna_. Also I doubt whether so stout a ruffian
+would have succumbed so promptly to such a simple pin-prick. But
+perhaps the surprise, annoyance and keen disappointment broke his
+soldierly heart. Anyway, living or dying, the _Baron_ was a clever and
+plausible performance.
+
+You know Mr. WONTNER'S loose-limbed ease of manner and agreeable
+voice. He was rather a stock and stockish hero as he left the author's
+hands, but Mr. WONTNER put life and feeling into him. Miss GLADYS
+COOPER reached no heights or depths of passion, but took a pleasant
+middle way, and certainly gets more out of herself than once seemed
+likely. I should like to commend to her the excellent doctrine of the
+"dominant mood." She was, for instance, just a little too detached in
+the recital of that story when playing for time by the bad _Baron's_
+fireside.
+
+Mr. SYDNEY VALENTINE, having happily come by an early death in another
+theatre, is able to present us a lifelike portrait of a really
+remorseless policeman in our third Act, condemning folk to Siberia
+with all the arbitrary despatch of the _Red Queen_.
+
+On the whole, then, distinctly good of its kind--transpontine matter
+with the St. James's form.
+
+T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR SOUVENIR UNIT.
+
+"No," said the Canadian slowly, "organization isn't everything. Up to
+a certain point it's necessary, but there must be a latitude. Give me
+scope for initiative every time.
+
+"Take an instance. You know our regiments have runners, men who
+go to and fro carrying orders and making liaison along the line.
+In the regiment I'm telling you about the runners were two smart
+chaps--drummers they were before the War--and not having too much work
+with their errands they ran a few side lines of their own, such as
+shaving and hair-cutting, cobbling and the like. But of all their side
+lines souvenir-selling was the most profitable. In their capacity
+of runners they could go where they liked and accompany any of the
+attacking parties, so they had good chances for souvenirs.
+
+"One evening they went over into D Company's trench and said, 'Say,
+you fellows, anybody want souvenirs? Bert's ordered an attack for
+daybreak. A, B, and C Companies carry it out. You're not going. I
+expect we shall be doing a nice line in tin hats. Any orders? Helmet
+for you? Right, that'll be twenty francs, cash on delivery. Bosch
+rifle? Yes, if we get any, fifty francs. Bandoliers, same price.
+What's that? Iron Cross? Oh, not likely! But we'll do our best. A
+hundred francs if we deliver the goods.'
+
+"Well, the next day the attack was made, and at one end of a Bosch
+trench there was some pretty hand-to-hand work. An old Rittmeister
+held it, his breast covered with decorations, and he just wouldn't
+give in. Of course, so long as he stuck it the other Bosches did too,
+and there was nothing doing in the Kamerad line. They fought like
+fury. So did our men, but we were slightly outnumbered, and it soon
+began to be evident that we should have to retire if we didn't get
+reinforcements. But, just when things were looking hopeless, over the
+top of the parapet leaped the two runners, unarmed but irresistible.
+With blazing eyes they flung themselves on that old Rittmeister, and
+while one of them downed him with a blow under the chin we heard the
+voice of the other uplifted in a new slogan: 'Give over, will you, old
+turnip-head! You've got the goods, and, by Sam Hill, we mean to have
+'em!' And with one hand he held the prisoner down while with the other
+he tore the Iron Cross from his tunic.
+
+"After the Bosch officer's fall our men made short work of the rest,
+but the runners didn't wait for victory. There was a muttered counting
+of the spoils: 'Six helmets for D Company. Two Bosch rifles. One
+bandolier. And the Iron Cross. That's the lot. We'd better git.' And
+they got."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The two British Colossuses, _The Tribune_ says, opened fire
+    with their 300 five-millimetres guns."--_The Post (Dundee.)_
+
+This is the first we have heard of the new naval pea-shooter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The war aims to which Germany and Austria must give assent must
+    be expressed in unequivocal language and based on the principles
+    of jujsjtjicjejjjjji."--_Evening Echo (Cork)._
+
+We are not quite sure whether our spirited contemporary refers to
+justice or ju-jitsu; but, either way, it means to give the Huns a
+knock-out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "For British and Oversea soldiers and sailors who visit Paris a
+    club is to be opened at the Hotel Moderne, Place de la République.
+
+    "The British Ambassador, Sir Douglas Haig, Sir John Jellicoe, and
+    Sir William Robertson have become patrons of the club, which will
+    provide them with comfortable quarters and meals at reasonable
+    prices, supply guides, and generally fulfil a useful purpose."
+
+    _Evening Standard_.
+
+But surely the British Ambassador has already fairly comfortable
+quarters in the Rue Faubourg St. Honoré.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SMALL CRAFT.
+
+  When Drake sailed out from Devon to break King PHILIP'S pride,
+  He had great ships at his bidding and little ones beside;
+  _Revenge_ was there, and _Lion_, and others known to fame,
+  And likewise he had small craft, which hadn't any name.
+
+  Small craft--small craft, to harry and to flout 'em!
+  Small craft--small craft, you cannot do without 'em!
+  Their deeds are unrecorded, their names are never seen,
+  But we know that there were small craft, because there must have been.
+
+  When NELSON was blockading for three long years and more,
+  With many a bluff first-rater and oaken seventy-four,
+  To share the fun and fighting, the good chance and the bad,
+  Oh, he had also small craft, because he must have had.
+
+  Upon the skirts of battle, from Sluys to Trafalgar,
+  We know that there were small craft, because there always are;
+  Yacht, sweeper, sloop and drifter, to-day as yesterday,
+  The big ships fight the battles, but the small craft clear the way.
+
+  They scout before the squadrons when mighty fleets engage;
+  They glean War's dreadful harvest when the fight has ceased to rage;
+  Too great they count no hazard, no task beyond their power,
+  And merchantmen bless small craft a hundred times an hour.
+
+  In Admirals' despatches their names are seldom heard;
+  They justify their being by more than written word;
+  In battle, toil and tempest and dangers manifold
+  The doughty deeds of small craft will never all be told.
+
+  Scant ease and scantier leisure--they take no heed of these,
+  For men lie hard in small craft when storm is on the seas;
+  A long watch and a weary, from dawn to set of sun--
+  The men who serve in small craft, their work is never done.
+
+  And if, as chance may have it, some bitter day they lie
+  Out-classed, out-gunned, out-numbered, with nought to do but die,
+  When the last gun's out of action, good-bye to ship and crew,
+  But men die hard in small craft, as they will always do.
+
+  Oh, death comes once to each man, and the game it pays for all,
+  And duty is but duty in great ship and in small,
+  And it will not vex their slumbers or make less sweet their rest,
+  Though there's never a big black headline for small craft going west.
+
+  Great ships and mighty captains--to these their meed of praise
+  For patience, skill and daring and loud victorious days;
+  To every man his portion, as is both right and fair,
+  But oh! forget not small craft, for they have done their share.
+
+  Small craft--small craft, from Scapa Flow to Dover,
+  Small craft--small craft, all the wide world over,
+  At risk of war and shipwreck, torpedo, mine and shell,
+  All honour be to small craft, for oh, they've earned it well!
+
+  C.F.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRIALS OF A CAMOUFLAGE OFFICER.
+
+WHEN AN INSPECTING GENERAL MISTAKES A DISGUISED TRENCH FOR SOLID GROUND.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_
+
+The opening paragraph of Mr. JEFFERY FARNOL'S latest novel, _The
+Definite Object_ (LOW, MARSTON), informs us that in the writing of
+books two things are essential: to know "when and where to leave off
+... and where to begin." Perhaps without churlishness I might add a
+third, and suggest that it is equally important to know where to make
+your market. Mr. FARNOL, very wisely, plumps for America; and the new
+story is a thing of millionaires, crooks, graft and the like. But
+don't go supposing for one moment that these regrettable surroundings
+have in the smallest degree impaired the exquisite and waxen bloom of
+our author's sympathetic characters. Far from it. Of the young and
+oh-so-good-looking millionaire (weary of pleasures and palaces, too
+weary even to dismiss his preposterous and farcical butler--lacking,
+in effect, the definite object); of the heroine's young brother, crook
+in embryo, but reclaimable by influence of hero; and of the peach-like
+leading lady herself, I can only say that each is worthy of the rest,
+and all of a creator who must surely (I like to think) have laughed
+more than once behind his hand during the progress of their creation.
+I expect by now that I have as good as told you the plot--young
+brother caught burgling hero's flat; hero, intrigued by mention of
+sister, doffing his society trappings, following his captive to
+crook-land, bashing the wicked inhabitants with his heroic fists, and
+finally, of course, wedding the sister. So there you are! No, I am
+wrong. The wedding is not absolute finality, since the heroine (for
+family pride, she said, because her brother had tried to shoot her
+husband; but, as this reason is manifestly idiotic, I must suppose her
+to be acting on a hint from Mr. FARNOL'S publishers) decreed their
+union to be in name alone. Which provides for the extra chapters.
+
+       ***
+
+Have you ever imagined yourself plunged (bodily, not mentally) into
+the midst of a story by some particular author? If, for example, you
+could get inside the covers of a Mrs. ALFRED SIDGWICK novel, what
+would you expect to find? Probably a large and pleasantly impecunious
+family, with one special daughter who combines great practical sense
+with rare personal charm. You would certainly not be startled to find
+her brought into contact with persons of greater social importance
+than her own; and you would be excusably disappointed if she did not
+end by securing the most eligible young male in the cast. I feel bound
+to add that a perusal of _Anne Lulworth_ (METHUEN) has left me with
+these convictions more firmly established than ever. The _Lulworth_
+household, from the twins to the practical mother, is Sidgwickian to
+its core, though perhaps one can't but regret that the Great Unmasking
+has for ever robbed them of the society of those fat and seemingly
+kindly Teutons who used to provide such good contrast. The _Lulworths_
+lived at Putney, and never had quite enough money for the varied calls
+of clothes and education and sausages for breakfast. Then _Anne_
+went on a visit to ever such a delightful big house in Cornwall, and
+there met the only son ... But then came the War and he was reported
+missing, so _Anne_ stayed on indefinitely with his widowed mother; and
+the unpleasant next-of-kin (Mrs. SIDGWICK never can wholly resist the
+temptation of burlesquing her villains) refused to believe that she
+had ever been engaged to Victor, and indeed went on indulging their
+low-comedy spleen till the great moment, so long and confidently
+expected, when--But really I suppose I needn't say what happens then.
+Sidgwickiana, in short, seasonable at all times, and sufficient for
+any number of persons.
+
+       ***
+
+Mrs. A.M. DIXON began her work in October, 1915, as manager of one of
+the _Cantines des Dames Anglaises_ established in France under the
+ægis of the London Committee of the French Red Cross. She remained
+until the beginning of July in the following year, and in _The
+Canteeners_ (MURRAY) she gives an account of her experiences at
+Troyes, Héricourt and Le Bourget, where she and her helpers ministered
+to an almost unceasing stream of tired-out French soldiers. There is
+something remarkably fresh and attractive about this story. It does
+not aim at fine writing, but its very simplicity, which is that of
+letters written to an intimate friend, carries a reader along through
+a succession of incidents keenly observed and sympathetically noted
+in the scanty leisure of a very busy life. That she succeeded as she
+did is a high tribute to her kindness and tact as well as to her
+organising capacity, I cannot forbear quoting from the letter of
+a grateful _poilu_: "DEAR MISS,--I am arrived yesterday very much
+fatiguated. After 36 o'clocks of train we have made 15 kms. You can
+think then that has been very dur for us, because in the train we
+don't sleep many ... We go to tranchées six o'clocks a day and all the
+four days we go the night. I don't see other things to say you for the
+moment. Don't make attention of my mistakes, please." The book is well
+illustrated with photographs. I recommend it both on account of its
+intrinsic merits and because the author's profits are to be given to
+the London Committee of the French Red Cross.
+
+       ***
+
+When a penniless but oh, so ladylike "companion" goes to the Savoy
+in answer to a "with a view to matrimony" advertisement, what more
+natural than that the party of the first part should prove to be--not
+a genteel widower in the haberdashery business, but a handsome
+super-burglar of immense wealth and all the more refined virtues.
+True, he burgles, but his manly willingness to reform in order to
+please the lady shows that his heart was always in the right place,
+wherever his fingers might be. Then again the actual pillage occurs
+"off," as they say, and the gentlemanly burglar, while not "occupied
+in burgling," walks the stage a perfect Sir George Alexander of
+respectability. Do I hear you, gentle reader, exclaiming, like the
+Scotsman when he first saw a hippopotamus, "Hoots! There's nae sic a
+animal!" It is simply your ignorance. The joint authors of _This Woman
+to this Man_ (METHUEN) have selected him as the hero of their latest
+novel, so there he is. His combined annexation of the penniless
+beauty's hand and her titled relatives' _objets d'art_, her discovery
+that the splendid fellow she has idolised--it must be admitted,
+without any indiscreet investigation of his past--is a thief, and
+their final reconciliation in the rude but honest atmosphere of a New
+Mexico cattle ranch, are all included in the modest half-crown's worth
+that C.N. and A.M. WILLIAMSON put forward as their latest effort. And
+nowadays you can't buy much of anything for half-a-crown.
+
+       ***
+
+With commendable idealism Mr. SIDNEY PATERNOSTER considers _The Great
+Gift_ (LANE) to be Love, and brings a certain seriousness to bear upon
+his theme. _Hugh Standish_, ex-newsboy, is at the age of twenty-five
+partner of an important shipping firm, as well as large holder
+in a book-selling business, which, in his leisure, he has so
+successfully run that it is "floated with a capital of £100,000 and
+over-subscribed" (incidentally rejoice, ye novelists!). At forty-six
+he is the whole shipping firm and a Cabinet Minister to boot. I would
+ask Mr. PATERNOSTER if such a man, who has, _ex hypothesi_, been
+so busy that he needs the sight of an out-of-work being tended and
+caressed by his faithful wife in a London Park to suggest to him that
+there exists such a thing as Love, with a capital L; needs also a
+later conversation with the same out-of-work to convince him that
+there is really something the matter with the industrial system (and
+wouldn't it be a good idea to do something about it now one is a
+Cabinet Minister?)--I ask Mr. PATERNOSTER, I say, if this is the sort
+of man to take it all so sweetly when the girl of his choice prefers
+his cousin and secretary to him? I think not. Our author has woven
+his story without any reference to the play of circumstance upon
+his characters. I am afraid he has shirked the difficult labour of
+artistic plausibility, and I leave it to moralists to decide whether
+his excellent intentions and sentiments redeem this æsthetic offence.
+
+       ***
+
+_Weird o' the Pool_ (MURRAY) may be described as a subterranean book.
+I mean that its characters are frequently to be found in secret
+passages and caves and places unknown to law-abiding citizens. The
+scenes of this story of incident are laid in Scotland at the beginning
+of last century, and Mr. ALEXANDER STUART makes things move at such
+a pace that for a hundred pages or so I could not keep up with him.
+Then two kind ladies had a conversation, and the confusion which had
+invaded my mind was suddenly and completely cleared away. The pace
+after this dispersal is as brisk as ever, but it is quite easy to keep
+up with it. All the same, I cannot help thinking that Mr. STUART has
+overcrowded his canvas, and that his tale would be the better for the
+removal of a few of his plotters and counter-plotters from it. I have
+never yet said a good word for a synopsis, but I do not mind admitting
+that I could put up with one here.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _"Auntie Madge" (who writes the weekly letter to the
+darling kiddies in "Mummy's Own Magazine")._ "NOISY LITTLE BEASTS!
+I SHALL NEVER DO ANY DECENT WORK IN _THIS_ ATMOSPHERE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGGESTED BY THE KAISER-TSAR REVELATIONS.
+
+  _Willy-Nilly_. Willingly or unwillingly.
+  _Willy-Nikky_. Of malice aforethought.
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10595 ***