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diff --git a/old/10594.txt b/old/10594.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2a6e3ee --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10594.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2029 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, +Sept. 12, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seamen + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 153, Sept. 12, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: January 4, 2004 [eBook #10594] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 153, SEPT. 12, 1917*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari, Sandra +Brown, and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 153. + +SEPTEMBER 12TH, 1917. + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The _Cologne Gazette_ is of the opinion that the American troops, when +they arrive in France, will be hampered by their ignorance of the +various languages. But we understand that the Americans can shoot in any +language. + + *** + +A weekly periodical is giving away a bicycle every other week. Meanwhile +_The Daily Telegraph_ continues to give away a Kaiser every day. + + *** + +"I decline to have anything to do with the War," said a Conscientious +Objector to a North of England magistrate, "and I resent this +interference with my liberty." Indeed he is said to be so much annoyed +that he intends sending the War Office a jolly snappy letter about it. + + *** + +CHARLIE CHAPLIN says a gossip writer is coming to England in the Autumn. +This disposes of the suggestion that arrangements were being made for +England to be taken over to him. + + *** + +_Incidentally_ we notice that CHARLIE CHAPLIN has become a naturalised +American, with, we presume, permission to use the rank of Honorary +Britisher. + + *** + +Before a Northern Tribunal an applicant stated that he was engaged in +the completion of an invention which would enable dumb people to speak +or signal with perfection. He was advised, however, to concentrate for a +while on making certain Germans say "Kamerad." + + *** + +An Isle of Wight man has succeeded in growing a vegetable marrow which +weighs forty-three pounds. To avoid its being mistaken for the island he +has scratched his name and address on it. + + *** + +Those in search of a tactless present will bear in mind that Mr. MARK +HAMBOURG has written a book entitled "How to Play the Piano." + + *** + +The great flagstaff at Kew Gardens, which weighs 18 tons and is 215 feet +long, is not to be erected until after the War. This has come as a great +consolation to certain people who had feared the two events would clash. + + *** + +In Mid Cheshire there is a scarcity of partridges, but there is plenty +of other game in Derbyshire. The Mid-Cheshire birds are of the opinion +that this cannot be too strongly advertised. + + *** + +Thirteen years after it was posted at Watford a postcard has just +reached an Ealing lady inviting her to tea, and of course she rightly +protested that the tea was cold. + + *** + +An estate near Goole has been purchased for L118,000, the purchaser +having decided not to carry out his first intention of investing that +amount in a couple of boxes of matches. + + *** + +Herr Erzberger is known among his friends as "The Singing Socialist." We +are afraid however that if he wants peace he will have to whistle for it. + *** + +The Provisional Government in Russia, according to _The Evening News,_ +has "always regarded an international debate on the questions of war and +pease as useful." But our Government, not being exactly provisional, +prefers to go on giving the enemy beans. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: COMFORTING THOUGHT + +When there are no taxis on your return from your holidays: + +"OUR TRUE STRENGTH IS TO KNOW OUR OWN WEAKNESS."--_CHARLES KINGSLEY_.] + + * * * * * + +THE END OF AN EPISODE. + +I write this in the beginning of a minor tragedy; if indeed the +severance of any long, helpful and sympathetic association can ever be +so lightly named. For that is precisely what our intercourse has been +these many weeks past; one of nervous and quickly roused irritation on +my part, of swift and gentle ministration on his. + +At least once a day we have met during that period (and occasionally, +though rarely, more often), usually in those before-breakfast hours when +the temper of normal man is most exacting and uncertain. But his temper +never varied; the perfection of it was indeed among his finest +qualities. Morning after morning, throughout a time that, as it chanced, +has been full of distress and disappointment, would his soothing and +infinitely gentle touch recall me to content. That stroking caress of +his was a thing indescribable; one before which the black shadows left +by the hours of night seemed literally to dissolve and vanish. + +And now the long expected, long dreaded has begun to happen. He, too, is +turning against me, as so many others of his fellows have done in the +past. Who knows the reason? What continued roughness on my part has at +last worn out even him? But for some days now there has been no +misreading the fatal symptoms--increasing irritability on the one side, +harshness turning to blunt indifference on the other. And this morning +came the unforgivable offence, the cut direct. + +That settles it; to-morrow, with a still smarting regret, I unwrap a new +razor-blade. + + * * * * * + +THE WHOLE HOG. + + ["Victorian love-making was at best a sloppy business ... modern + maidens have little use for half measures.... Primitive ideas + are beginning to assert themselves."--_Daily Paper._] + + Betty, when you were in your teens + And shielded from sensation, + Despite a lack of ways and means + In various appropriate scenes + I sighed my adoration. + You did not smile upon my suit; + Pallid I grew and pensive; + My disappointment was acute, + Life seemed a worthless thing and mute. + I moped, then tuned my laggard lute + And launched a new offensive. + + Thus you were wooed in former days + When maids were won by waiting; + The modern lover finds it pays + To imitate the forceful ways + Of prehistoric mating. + Man is more primitive (a snub + Has no effect), so if you + Should still refuse a certain "sub." + He will not pine or spurn his grub, + But, seizing the ancestral club, + Into submission biff you. + + * * * * * + +MAKING THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS. + + "As honorary organist at ---- Wesleyan Church he has established + a sound and compact business as wholesale grocer and Italian + warehouseman."--_Provincial Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "Maid (superior) wanted for lady, gentleman, small flat, strong + girl, able to assist lady with rheumatism."--_Glasgow Herald._ + +If we hear of a small flat girl we will send her along; but this shaped +figure is rather out of fashion just now. + + * * * * * + +THE SUPER-PIPE. + +When Jackson first joined the jolly old B.E.F. he smoked a pipe. He +carried it anyhow. Loose in his pocket, mind you. A pipe-bowl at his +pocket's brim a simple pipe-bowl was to him, and it was nothing more. Of +course no decent B.E.F. mess could stand that. Jackson was told that a +pipe was _anathema maranatha_, which is Greek for _no bon._ + +"What will I smoke then?" said Jackson, who was no Englishman. We waited +for the Intelligence Officer to reply. We knew him. The Intelligence +Officer said nothing. He drew something from his pocket. It was a parcel +wrapped in cloth-of-gold. He removed the cloth-of-gold and there was +discovered a casket, which he unlocked with a key attached to his +identity disc. Inside the casket was a padlocked box, which he opened +with a key attached by gold wire to his advance pay-book. Inside the box +was a roll of silk. To cut it all short, he unwound puttee after puttee +of careful wrapping till he reached a chamois-leather chrysalis, which +he handled with extreme reverence, and from this he drew something with +gentle fingers, and set it on the table-cloth before the goggle-eyed +Jackson. + +"A pipe," said Jackson. + +There was a shriek of horror. The Intelligence Officer fainted. Here was +wanton sacrilege. + +"Man," said the iron-nerved Bombing Officer, "it's a Brownhill." + +"What's a Brownhill?" asked Jackson. + +We gasped. How could we begin to tell him of that West End shrine from +which issue these lacquered symbols of a New Religion? + +The Intelligence Officer was reviving. We looked to him. + +"The prophet Brownhill," he said, "was once a tobacconist--an ordinary +tobacconist who sold pipes." + +We shuddered. + +"He discovered one day that man wants more than mere pipes. He wants +a--a super-pipe, something to reverence and--er--look after, you know, +as well as to smoke. So he invented the Brownhill. It is an _affaire de +coeur_--an affair of art," translated the I.O. proudly. "It is as glossy +as a chestnut in its native setting, and you can buy furniture polish +from the prophet Brownhill which will keep it always so. It has its +year, like a famous vintage, it has a silver wind-pipe, and it costs +anything up to fifty guineas." + +"D'you smoke it'?" asked Jackson, brutally. + +We gave him up. In awful silence each of us produced his wrappings and +his caskets, extracted the shining briar, smeared it with cosmetics, and +polished it more reverently than a peace time Guardsman polishes his +buttons when warned for duty next day at "Buck." + * * * * * +And Jackson smoked his pipe in secret. He would take no leaf from the +book of the Sassenachs. + +And the War went on. + * * * * * +Jackson went on leave. To his deep disgust he had to wait a few hours in +London on his way to more civilised parts, and fate led him idling to +Brownhill's. He flattened his Celtic nose on the window and stared +fascinated at the array of super-pipes displayed there. After a furtive +glance along the street he crept into the temple. A white-coated priest +met him. + +"I--I'm wantin'--a--a pipe," said Jackson. He saw the priest reel and +turn pale to the lips. "I should say a--a Brownhill," he added hastily. +The other man gulped, steadied himself with an effort, and gave a +ghastly smile. If you had walked into a temple at Thibet and planked +down sixpence and asked for an idol wrapped up in brown paper you could +not have done a more dreadful thing than Jackson had done; but the +priest forgave him and produced in silence a trayful of Brownhills. Then +was Jackson like unto ELIA'S little Chinese boy with "the crackling." He +touched a briar and was converted. He stroked them as though they were +kittens, bought ten of them, a pound of polish, fifty silver wind-pipes +and a bale of chamois-leather. The priest took a deep breath. + +"You are a full-blooded man, Sir," said he, "if you will excuse me +saying so, and you should smoke in your new Brownhills a mixture which +has a proportion of Latakia to Virginian of one to nineteen--a small +percentage of glycerine and cucumber being added because you have red +hair, and the whole submitted to a pressure of eighteen hundred +foot-pounds to the square millimetre, under violet rays. This will be +known as 'Your Mixture,' Number 56785-6/11, and will be supplied to no +one else on earth, except under penalty of death. + +"I will take a ton," said Jackson with glazing eyes. + +This was a man after the priest's own heart. He took another deep breath +and dived into the strong-room. He returned under the escort of ten +armed men, each of them chained by the wrist to an iron box, which he +unlocked with difficulty. Inside the iron box was a thing which Jackson +a few months ago would have called a pipe. He knew better now. In awful +silence the priest lifted it from its satin bed. "This," he whispered, +"was once smoked by Brownhill himself." + +Jackson put out a hand to take it. The priest hesitated, then laid it +gently on his customer's palm. + +And Jackson dropped it. + +Jackson has never been heard of since. + + * * * * * + +THE FAIRIES HAVE NEVER A PENNY TO SPEND. + + The fairies have never a penny to spend, + They haven't a thing put by, + But theirs is the dower of bird and of flower, + And theirs are the earth and the sky. + And though you should live in a palace of gold + Or sleep in a dried-up ditch, + You could never be poor as the fairies are, + And never as rich. + + Since ever and ever the world began + They have danced like a ribbon of flame, + They have sung their song through the centuries long, + And yet it is never the same. + And though you be foolish or though you be wise, + With hair of silver or gold, + You could never be young as the fairies are + And never as old. + +R. F. + + * * * * * + +RARA AVIS. + +From a cigarette-card:-- + + "REED WARBLER. + + "_Acrocephalus streperus._ + + "This bird is found in nearly every part of the British Islands. + It builds a nest about a foot off the ground in the reed beds, + and is formed of grass, horse hair and sometimes feathers." + + * * * * * + +From a list of medallists of the new Order of the British Empire:-- + + "G. P. Hamlet.--For courage in persisting with dangerous work, + with a certainty of suffering from poisoning as a result." + +Just like his illustrious namesake. + + * * * * * + + "Melbourne, Friday. + + "The House of Representatives to-day passed the second reading of + the War Times Profits Tax Assessment Bill. The tax will be 50 + per cent. for the year ending June 30, 191161, and 75 per cent. + for afterwards.--Reuter." + + _Aberdeen Paper._ + +Well, well, we need not worry. + + * * * * * + + "What is being fought out is a long-drawn battle for the + important shipping port of Trieste, with the whole of the + railway and road communications of the Iberian Peninsula." + + _The People._ + +Rather a shock for Madrid. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE REVERSE OF THE MEDAL. + +OPTIMISTIC GERMAN _(reading paper)._ "THIS IS KOLOSSAL! OUR IRRESISTIBLE +AIRMEN HAVE AGAIN, FOR THE TWENTIETH TIME, DESTROYED LONDON." + +GLOOMY DITTO. "THAT BEING SO, LET'S HOPE THEY'LL STOP THOSE CURSED +BRITISH AIRMEN FROM BOMBING OUR LINES EVERY DAY AND NIGHT."] + + * * * * * + +A STUDY IN SYMMETRY. + +The following story, however improbable it may seem to you, is true. + +Once upon a time there was an artist with historical leanings not +unassociated with the desire for pelf--pelf being, even to idealists, +what petrol is to a car. The blend brought him one day to Portsmouth, +where the _Victory_ lies, with the honourable purpose of painting a +picture of that famous ship with NELSON on board. What the ADMIRAL was +doing I cannot say--most probably dying--but the artist's intention was +to make the work as attractive as might be and thus draw a little profit +from the wave of naval enthusiasm which was then passing over the +country; for not only was the picture itself to be saleable, but +reproductions were to be made of it. + +Permission having been obtained from the authorities, the artist boarded +the _Victory_, set up his easel on her deck and settled down to his +task, the monotony of which was pleasantly alleviated by the chatter of +the old salts who guard the ship and act as guides to the tourists who +visit her. All of these estimable men not only possessing views on art, +but having come by now to the firm belief that they had fought with +NELSON, their criticisms were not too easily combated and the artist +hadn't a tedious moment. Thus, painting, conversing and learning (as one +can learn only from a trained imparter of information), three or four +days passed quickly away and the picture was done. + +So far there has been nothing--has there?--to strain credulity. No. But +a time will come--is, in fact, upon us. + +On the evening of the last day, as the artist was sitting at early +dinner with a friend before catching the London train, his remarks +turned (as an artist's sometimes will) upon the work upon which he had +just been engaged. He expressed satisfaction with it in the main, but +could not, he said, help feeling that its chances of becoming a real +success would be sensibly increased if he could find as a model for the +central figure some one whose resemblance to NELSON was noticeable. + +"There are, of course," he went on, "at the same time--that is to say, +among contemporaries--no two faces exactly alike. That is an axiom. +Strange as it may sound, among all the millions of countenances with two +eyes, a nose in the middle and a mouth below it, some difference exists +in each. That is, as I say, among contemporaries: in the world at this +moment in which I am speaking. But," he continued, warming to his +subject, for, as you will have already gathered, he was not one of the +taciturn brush-brotherhood, "after the lapse of years I see no reason +why nature should not begin precisely to reproduce physiognomies and so +save herself the trouble of for ever diversifying them. That being +so--and surely the hypothesis is not too far-fetched"--here his friend +said, "No, not at all--oh no!"--"why," the artist continued, "should +there not be at this moment, more than a century later, some one whose +resemblance to NELSON is exact? He would not be necessarily a naval +man--probably, indeed, not, for NELSON's face was not characteristic of +the sea--but whoever he was, even if he were an archbishop, I," said the +painter firmly, "should not hesitate to go up to him and ask him to sit +to me." + +The friend agreed that this was a very proper attitude and that it +betokened true sincerity of purpose. + +"NELSON's face," the painter continued, "was an uncommon one. So large +and so mobile a mouth is rare. But I have no doubt that a duplicate +exists, and no matter who is the owner of it, even were he an +archbishop, I should not hesitate to go up and ask him to sit to me." + +(For the benefit of any feminine reader of this veracious history I +should say that the repetition which she has just noticed is not an +accident, but has been carefully set down. It is an attempt to give +verisimilitude to the conversation--because men always say things like +that twice.) + +The friend again remarked that the painter's resolve did him infinite +credit, and the two started for the station, still conversing on the +same theme. + +On entering their carriage the first thing to take their attention was a +quiet little man in black, who was the absolute double of the hero of +Trafalgar. + +"Good gracious!" whispered the painter excitedly, "do you see that? +There's the very man. The likeness to NELSON is astonishing. I never saw +anything like it. I don't care who he is, I must tackle him. It's the +most extraordinary chance that ever occurred." + +Assuming his most silky and deferential manner--for, though clearly not +an archbishop, unless in mufti, this might yet be a person of +importance--the painter approached the stranger and tendered a card. + +"I trust, Sir, that you will excuse me," he began, "for the liberty I am +taking, but I am an artist and I happen to be engaged on a picture of +NELSON on the _Victory_. I have all the accessories and so forth, but +what I very seriously need is a brief sitting from some gentleman with a +likeness to the great little Admiral. Such, Sir, as yourself. It may be +news to you--it probably is--but you, Sir, if I may say so, are so like +the famous and immortal warrior as almost to take one's breath away. It +is astonishing, wonderful! Might I--would it be--could you--would you, +Sir, be so very kind as to allow me to paint you? I would, of course, +make every effort not to inconvenience you--I would arrange so that your +time should be mine." + +"Of course I will, guvnor," said the man. "I'm a professional model and +I've been sitting for NELSON for years. Why, I've been doing it for an +artist this very afternoon." + +[Illustration: OUR RESTRICTED COAST AMUSEMENTS. + +_Vendor_. "ALL THE OFFICIAL 'OLIDAY FUN. FLY THE PATRIOTIC KITES AND +ANNOY THE GOTHAS!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Physical Drill Instructor (to weak-kneed recruit)_. "NAH +THEN! IF YOU'RE A-GOING TER JUMP--_JUMP!_"] + + * * * * * + +A LOST LAND. + +(To GERMANY.) + + A childhood land of mountain ways, + Where earthy gnomes and forest fays, + Kind foolish giants, gentle bears, + Sport with the peasant as he fares + Affrighted through the forest glades, + And lead sweet wistful little maids + Lost in the woods, forlorn, alone, + To princely lovers and a throne. + * * * * * + Dear haunted land of gorge and glen, + Ah me! the dreams, the dreams of men! + + A learned land of wise old books + And men with meditative looks, + Who move in quaint red-gabled towns + And sit in gravely-folded gowns, + Divining in deep-laden speech + The world's supreme arcana--each + A homely god to listening Youth + Eager to tear the veil of Truth; + * * * * * + Mild votaries of book and pen-- + Alas, the dreams, the dreams of men! + + A music land, whose life is wrought + In movements of melodious thought; + In symphony, great wave on wave-- + Or fugue, elusive, swift, and grave; + A singing land, whose lyric rhymes + Float on the air like village chimes: + Music and Verse--the deepest part + Of a whole nation's thinking heart! + * * * * * + Oh land of Now, oh land of Then! + Dear God! the dreams, the dreams of men! + + Slave nation in a land of hate, + Where are the things that made you great? + Child-hearted once--oh, deep defiled, + Dare you look now upon a child? + Your lore--a hideous mask wherein + Self-worship hides its monstrous sin:-- + Music and verse, divinely wed-- + How can these live where love is dead? + * * * * * + Oh depths beneath sweet human ken, + God help the dreams, the dreams of men! + + * * * * * + + "The Blessington Papers are included with all their atmosphere + of distinguished High Bohemia. Among them are some interesting + Disraeli letters--he was ever her staunch friend from the early + 'thirties to the late 'forties, when his son had risen and + her's--how brilliant!--had set."--_Saturday Review_. + +And up to the present we had been under the impression that both these +distinguished persons were childless. + + * * * * * + +HINT FOR HORTICULTURISTS. + + "Mr. ----, undertaker, of Temuka, improved his plant by the + purchase of a new hearse."--_Timaru Herald (New Zealand)_. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. ---- hopes shortly to be seen again in revue in the Wet + End."--_Pall Mall Gazette_. + +Or, as the CENSOR would put it, "somewhere in England." + + * * * * * + + _Daily Mail_ (Ordinary Edition), 3 September, 1917: "Lord + Halsbury is 92 to-day." + + _Times_ (Late War Edition), 3 September, 1917: "The Earl of + Halsbury is 94 to-day." + +Yet, from personal observation, one would never believe that the EX-LORD +CHANCELLOR was ageing so rapidly. + + * * * * * + +From "German Official":-- + + "With the use of numerous tanks and aeroplanes, flying at a low + altitude, the English infantry soon after advanced to the attack + on this front."--_Evening Paper_. + +Now that the enemy has given away the secret of our new weapon the +CENSOR might let us know more of our flying Tanks. + + * * * * * + + "Prisoner then seized her round the throat with both hands and + hit her on the head with a steel case-opener."--_Daily Paper_. + +Which, presumably, he carried in his teeth. + + * * * * * + +THE SUNFLOWER. + +"Have you," said Francesca, "seen our sunflowers lately?" + +"Yes," I said, "I've kept an eye on them occasionally. It's a bit +difficult, by the way, not to see them, isn't it?" + +"Well," she said, "perhaps they are rather striking." + +"Striking!" I said. "I never heard a more inadequate word. I call them +simply overwhelming--the steam-rollers of the vegetable world. Look at +their great yellow open faces." + +"I never," said Francesca, "saw a steam-roller with a face. You're +mixing your metaphors." + +"And," I said, "I shall go on mixing them as long as you grow +sunflowers. It's the very least a man can do by way of protest." + +"I don't know why you should want to protest. The seed makes very good +chicken-food." + +"Yes, I know," I said, "that's what you always said." + +"And I bet," she said, "you've repeated it. When you've met the tame +Generals and Colonels at your club, and they've boasted to you about +their potatoes, I know you've countered them with the story of how +you've turned the whole of your lawn into a bed of sunflowers calculated +to drive the most obstinate hen into laying two eggs a day, rain or +shine." + +"I admit," I said, "that I may have mentioned the matter casually, but I +never thought the things were going to be like this. When I first knew +them and talked about them they were tender little shoots of green just +modestly showing above the ground, and now they're a forest primeval. +The murmuring pines and the hemlock aren't in it with this impenetrable +jungle liberally blotched with yellow, this so-called sunflower patch." + +"What would you call it," she said, "if you didn't call it sunflower?" + +"I should call it a beast of prey," I said. "A sunflower seems to me to +be more like a tiger than anything else." + +"It was a steam-roller about a minute ago." + +"Yes," I said, "it was--a tigerish steam-roller." + +"How interesting," she said. "I have not met one quite like that." + +"That," I said, "is because your eye isn't properly poetical. It's +blocked with chicken-food and other utilitarian objects." + +"I must," she said, "consult an oculist. Perhaps he will give me glasses +which will unblock my eye and make me see tigers in the garden." + +"No," I said, "you will have to do it for yourself. For such an eye as +yours even the best oculists are unavailing." + +"I might," she said, "improve if I read poetry at home. Has any poet +written about sunflowers?" + +"Yes," I said, "BLAKE did. He was quite mad, and he wrote a poem to a +sunflower: 'Ah! Sunflower! Weary of time.' That's how it begins." + +"Weary of time!" she said scornfully. "That's no good to me. I'm weary +of having no time at all to myself." + +"That shows," I said, "that you're not a sunflower." + +"Thank heaven for that," she said. "It's enough to have four children to +look after--five including yourself." + +"My dear Francesca," I said, "how charming you are to count me as a +child! I shall really begin to feel as if there were golden threads +among the silver." + +"Tut-tut," she said, "you're not so grey as all that." + +"Yes, I am," I said, "quite as grey as all that and much greyer; only we +don't talk about it." + +"But we _do_ talk about sunflowers," she said, "don't we?" + +"If you'll promise to have the beastly glaring things dug up--" + +"Not," she said, "before we've extracted from them their last pip of +chicken-food." + +"Well, anyhow," I said, "as soon as possible. If you'll promise to do +that I'll promise never to mention them again." + +"But you'll lose your reputation with the Generals and Colonels." + +"I don't mind that," I said, "if I can only rid the garden of their +detested presence." + +"My golden-threaded boy," said Francesca, "it shall be as you desire." + +R.C.L. + + * * * * * + +CONSTABLE JINKS. + + Our village policeman is tall and well-grown, + He stands six feet two and he weighs sixteen stone; + His gait is majestic, his visage serene, + And his boots are the biggest that ever I've seen. + + Fame sealed his renown with a definite stamp + When two German waiters escaped from a camp. + Unaided he captured those runaway Huns + Who had lived for a week on three half-penny buns. + + When a derelict porpoise was cast on the shore + Our village policeman was much to the fore; + He measured the beast from its tip to its tail, + And blandly pronounced it "an undersized whale." + + When a small boy was flying his kite on the links + It was promptly impounded by Constable Jinks, + Who astutely remarked that it might have been seen + By the vigilant crew of a Hun submarine. + + It is sometimes alleged that great valour he showed + When he chased a mad cow for three miles on the road; + But there's also another account of the hunt + With a four-legged pursuer, a biped in front. + + If your house has been robbed and his counsel you seek + He's sure to look in--in the course of the week, + When his massive appearance will comfort your cook, + Though he fails in the bringing of culprits to book. + + His _obiter dicta_ on life and the law + Set our ribald young folk in a frequent guffaw; + But the elders repose an implicit belief + In so splendid a product of beer and of beef. + + He's the strongest and solidest man in the place, + Nothing--short of mad cattle--can quicken his pace; + His moustache would do credit to any dragoon, + And his voice is as deep as a double bassoon. + + His complexion is perfect, his uniform neat, + He rivets all eyes as he stalks down the street; + And I doubt if his critics will ever complain + Of his being a little deficient in brain. + + For he's more than a man; he's a part of the map; + His going would cause a deplorable gap; + And the village would suffer as heavy a slump + As it would from the loss of the old parish pump. + + * * * * * + +A HAPPY JUXTAPOSITION. + + "CHEAPER MATCHES. | FRESH LIGHT ON THE KAISER'S PLOTS." + + _Daily Mirror._ + +From the report of a Royal investiture:-- + + "The first officer to mount the dais was Major ----, who wore + the broad-brimmed slouch hat of the Austrian Infantry." + + _North China Daily News._ + +A souvenir, of course. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SUPPLY AND DEMAND.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mother (to maid, who has offered Marjorie some jam)._ +"OH NO, THANK YOU, NOT WITH THE _FIRST_ PIECE." + +_Marjorie._ "BUT, MUMMY, I HAVE GIVEN UP HAVING A FIRST PIECE NOW--WAR +ECONOMY."] + + * * * * * + +THE TRENCH CODE. + + Ah! with what awe, what infantile impatience, + We eyed the artifice when issued out, + And racked our brains about the Regulations, + And tried to think we had them free from doubt! + As Rome's old Fathers, reverently leaning + In secret cellars o'er the Sibyl's strain, + Beyond the fact that several pars + Had something vague to do with Mars, + Failed, as a rule, to find the smallest meaning, + But told the plebs the oracle was plain. + + So did we study it, ourselves deceiving, + In hope to say, "We have no rations here," + Or, "Please, Brigade, this regiment wants relieving," + And "Thank you for the bombs--but why no beer?" + And wondered always, with a hint of presage, + Since never word emerged as it was planned, + If it was Hermes, Lord of Craft, + Compiled the code, or someone daft, + So that no mortal could compose a message + Which anybody else could understand. + + Too soon the Staff, to spoil our tiny slumbers, + Or, as they said, to certify our skill, + Sent us a screed, all signs and magic numbers, + And what it signified is mystery still. + We flung them back a message yet more mazy + To say we weren't unravelling their own, + And marked it _urgent_, and designed + That it should reach them while they dined. + All night they toiled, till half the crowd were crazy + And bade us breathe its burthen o'er the 'phone. + * * * * * + But now they want it back--_and it is missing!_ + And shall one patriot heart withhold a throb? + For four high officers have been here, hissing, + And plainly panicky about their job. + I know they think some dark, deluded bandit + Has gone and given it to KAISER BILL. + But though I'm grieved the General's cross, + I have no qualms about the loss-- + If clever men like us can't understand it, + I don't suppose the Wilhelmstrasse will! + +A. P. H. + + * * * * * + +SPREAD OF THE TEMPERANCE MOVEMENT. + + "I, J.A.H. De la Bere, of Woolsevy Rectory, Morchard Bishop, + Devon, desire to Alter my Surname to De la Fontaine."--_Times._ + + * * * * * + + "WANTED + + "end August in Swiss family (2 persons) living in villa near + Lausanne + + "NURSERY'S MAID + + "able to saw, iron attend at table and take entire care of + healthy baby 19 months old Good English accent serious + references." _La Tribune de Lausanne._ + +We are glad to hear that the baby has a good English accent; he will be +able to employ it with effect when the Nursery's Maid begins to saw and +iron him. + + * * * * * + + "In the cases in which the surgeon his obliged to vast empty a + bone so that offers then itself difficulties therapeuticals not + little because of pus and consequenty becauses of impossibility + of transplantations, plastics, plombages ecc., the A. propose to + go on the bone with specials inesions, not on the surface when + the bone is most superficial, but from the surface in which are + aboundings and easily cessible wet tissue, removing the margin + of the bone's cavity and mathing in mode as, by cause of + repaidis process, this tissue by hemselves adhere to a ground of + cavity and full it."--_La Clinica Chirurgica._ + +That makes it perfectly clear. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AVANTI, SAVOIA!] + + * * * * * + +A DAUGHTER OF THE BACK STEPPES. + +_(Russia may not yet be quite sufficiently herself to be the martial +ally that we could desire, but she still continues to send us the most +delightful fiction. Mr. PUNCH is privileged in being able to offer his +readers the opening of a new and fascinating story translated from the +Russian of Ghastlilkoff.)_ + +I was born in the year 18--, and I have never ceased to regret it. I +lived with my grandmother. She was called Natasha. I do not know why. +She had a large mole on her left cheek. Often she would embrace me with +tears and lament over me, crying, "My little sad one, my little lonely +one!" Yet I was not sad; I had too many griefs. Nor was I lonely, for I +had no playmates. + +Often my grandmother told me I was ugly. I had no mirror, so I believed +her. When I was sixteen a man I met in the street went mad for love of +me and cut his throat. For the first time in my life I wondered if my +grandmother always spoke the truth. I went home and wept, but when she +asked me why I could not tell her. + +Our house was quite dark. It had three rooms leading in and out of one +another, and no windows. There was not much fresh air. Every morning my +grandmother went out to buy otchkza and pickled onions. The man who sold +them was very old. He had a cast in each eye. He inquired of my +grandmother if she would allow him to be my husband, but she refused. +His name I do not remember. + +Our neighbours were very pleasant people, kindly and simple. There was a +half-witted youth called Krop. He used to fill his mouth with large +brass-headed nails. I did not dare to go near him, for he always tried +to bite my arms. One day I learned that he had died. My grandmother +bought me black silk mittens to wear at his funeral. I was very proud, +and ran out into the road to show them to the other children. But in my +haste I split them across from seam to seam, and my grandmother whipped +me and put me to bed. + +My grandmother's chief friend was a woman who sold toasted cheese. It +was her custom to bring round the delicacy on a small hand-cart and sell +to the children for a few kopecks. This woman was reputed to be very +rich. She was not beautiful, for she had no teeth, and had hair on her +face. The first time I saw her I ran into the house and hid behind the +large barrel of butter-milk. My grandmother took me by the ear and led +me to her friend. + +"This is Ilonoka," she said. "She is a good girl." + +I remember that I cried very loud. + +Afterwards my grandmother told me that perhaps the woman would leave me +all her money. Next time she came I wished to speak to her, but +unfortunately I had a quinsy. When the woman eventually died it was +discovered that she had been destitute for a long time. She left her +hand-cart by will to my grandmother, and in her disappointment my +grandmother beat me over the head with it. Soon afterwards my hair began +to come out, and my grandmother said it was time I found a husband. + +Accordingly she went next door, where lived a woman with five sons. They +were all out except one, and he had a sore leg. She brought him to me, +and I cried very bitterly. He also. His name was Ivan, and I wished it +had been Peter. + +The next day we were betrothed, and all our friends came to eat the +feast that my grandmother provided. A school-fellow of mine, a very +beautiful girl, was angry because I had a husband and not she. She +scratched my face, and the blood ran on to my dress. Our friends +congratulated us, and when they had gone my grandmother said it had been +a great success. She and I finished what was left of the feast and went +to bed. I remember that my feet were very cold, and when I fell asleep I +dreamed that my betrothed's name was Peter. When I awoke I cried very +loud, and my grandmother slapped my cheeks. + +Shortly afterwards she died, and I went to live with my uncle, who was a +pawnbroker in Moscow. + + * * * * * + +THE LONG-FACED CHUMS. + + When Alexander won the world he knew not bombs nor guns, + His simple forms of frightfulness were quite unlike the Huns'; + 'Twas not by barking mortars that the pushful CAESAR scored; + He trusted close formations and the silent stabbing sword. + + When ROLAND'S rearguard turned at bay, and from the furious press + The scuppered Paladin sent forth his famous S.O.S., + Scared Roncesvalles rang loud with war, as misty legends tell, + But echo's ear was spared the shriek and crash of bursting shell. + + So could you meet the shades of those whose prowess made Romance, + You'd find them only puzzled by your tales of stunts in France; + You'd have to cut the business out, and be content to chat + Of rations, grub, and officers--such odds and ends as that, + + Unless you chanced to entertain some true rough-rider's ghost, + Who galloped after HANNIBAL, or with the Parthian host, + Some curled Assyrian prince who pranced, bareback, along a frieze-- + Or one of RUPERT'S _beaux sabreurs_--a horseman--whom you please. + + With chosen spirits such as those your talk need never end + If you are worthy of your spurs and count a horse your friend. + Just ask them "Did you clip trace-high?" or "Did you chaff your hay?" + Or boast about the gee you ride, and they'll have lots to say. + + Cut out the talk of battle's din, of whizz-bangs and of crumps, + Of bombs and gas and hand-grenades, of mines and blazing dumps; + If you would wake their sympathy and warm their hearts indeed + Describe a Squadron watering, and then the fuss at "Feed!" + + That lively bustle has a charm to wake a mummy's ear + Who, ere the Pyramids were planned, was mustered charioteer; + And many a horseman's spirit thrills by Lethe's drowsy brink + When in a strange, familiar dream his Troop comes down to drink! + + * * * * * + +From "The Story of the Haldane Missions":-- + + "The Kaiser laughingly remarked that he had better have the high + chair (in which the Kaiser usually sat at his council meetings). + He also gave Lord Haldane an Imperial cigar.... While discussing + the naval question, the Kaiser took a copy of the new Naval Bill + out of his pocket and handed it to Lord Haldane, who transferred + it to his pocket without looking at it."--_Daily Chronicle._ + +He probably thought it was another of the Imperial cigars. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Grocer-fiend (who has treated three preceding customers +to (a) "We ain't got no sugar;" (b) "We have none, Madam;" and (c) "No +sugar in the shop"--to boy)._ "BE OFF. WE'VE GOT NO SUGAR!" + +_Boy._ "I DIDN'T ASK FOR NO SUGAR. I WANT A PENNORTH O' SODA--AN' THAT'S +TAKEN THE' BLOOMING SWANK OUT OF YOU, AIN'T IT?"] + + * * * * * + +A STRAIGHT TALK WITH L. G. + +_(Everyone has views as to how to win the War, but not all are vocal, +or--shall we say?--vociferous. If Mr. LLOYD GEORGE reads all the papers +(as their Editors of course expect him to do) he cannot have missed +quite a number of powerful articles in the following manner. And even if +he should miss one or two it would not matter, because there is always +another in preparation.)_ + +I've always said that the PREMIER shouldn't be bothered with Parliament. +Of course I've said too that our old friend Demos, the new god, should +have a say in affairs; but that's an inconsistency that doesn't count in +the least, does it? + +Now then, Mr. PREMIER, you've got the chance of your lifetime. I always +said you were a lucky devil--in fact, I never met the Welshman that +wasn't. + +You see, Parliament's in recess, and all its trivial overpaid Members +are playing golf and things. You've got absolutely a free hand if only +you'll take it. It's quite easy and bound to succeed. You've only got to +do as I tell you. + +For instance, you want to buck up HAIG and the people at the Front. It's +no use them telling you they know best, being on the spot. That's only +bluff, old man. Don't take any notice of them, but just order a big +general offensive; and before you can say Jack Robinson we'll have the +Huns behind the Rhine. + +And do tell the Navy to get a move on. I'm glad to see my articles have +made you change the heads at the Admiralty; and of course that's all +very well so far as it goes. But it doesn't go far enough. _Have a chat +with BEATTY about it._ Get him to root the Huns out. He can bombard +Ostend and Zeebrugge and all those funny little places in two-twos. Tell +KING ALBERT not to mind. We'll easily slap up new towns for him after +the War, built on the speedy American principle. + +Then about that aerial offensive. There's really been quite enough talk +about it. We want some action, Mr. PREMIER. Isn't it time it came off? +Think what a bombardment of Cologne (taking care of the cathedral, _of +course_), Frankfurt, Berlin, Essen and Hamburg would do, not to mention +other places that I could if I had an atlas. + +And about those pacifists. Just clap the whole lot in gaol. That's the +best place for them. I won't object in the least, even though I am the +apostle of freedom. + +Then there are lots and lots of other things you might do. You might +deliver a reasoned manifesto to the Russian people and buck them up a +bit. That won't do anybody any harm, and _it'll be getting on with the +War_, my little Welshman. + +Well, there are a few points for you to go on with. You've got the +brains to think of more, otherwise I wouldn't have helped to put you +where you are to-day. But remember that if you _don't_ do these things +Demos is waiting round the corner for you. + +Demos is a good dog--a patient animal. But there's an end even to his +patience. Growl, Demos, and show you're not afraid of Welshmen! + +("Grrr----!" Good dog! Good dog!) + +Now then, old boy, I've shown you the way. _It's up to you!_ + + * * * * * + + Another powerful article on these lines will appear next week. + +[But not in _Punch_.-ED.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Caller at the office of the Inventions Board._ "'DURING +WAR PREPARE FOR PEACE'--THAT MUST BE OUR MOTTO! AND MY SPECIAL PATENT +SHELL-CASE IS THE VERY THING. A SHELL-CASE TO-DAY----AND A BLANC-MANGE +MOULD TO-MORROW."] + + * * * * * + +THE ONLY OTHER TOPIC. + +"I shot a marrow into the--I mean I cut a marrow two feet seven inches +long yesterday," said the man in the corner seat. + +"What did it weigh?" we asked anxiously. After two months of them +potatoes had somewhat palled. We were growing rather tired of marrows, +but we waited eagerly for his answer, + +"Twenty-six pounds nine and three-quarter ounces." + +Disappointment again. Our hopes were dashed to the ground. Some obscure +individual, according to the local press, had produced from his humble +cottage garden a marrow weighing thirty-four pounds, and the thing +rankled. + +"Mine was a scraggy specimen, more like an Indian club than a marrow." + +"Crossed in love, perhaps," said Dalton. + +"What your marrow wanted was nourishment," said the Authority. "A piece +of worsted round its neck, with one end dipped in a jar of water." + +"Excuse me," said Jones, "the very latest is to insert a tube in the +stalk, and the flavour is greatly improved if you add a little sugar to +the water. Almost like a melon." + +"Do you take a card out for each marrow, or one for each plant?" asked +Dalton. + +The quiet man opposite put his paper down. He was a new-comer in the +district. We liked him, although he had no sense of humour and did not +appreciate Dalton's jokes. He appeared to be interested only in the +startling and the odd. + +"That reminds me," he said, "of a most extraordinary experience I had a +few days ago. Of course you all know Enderby?" + +None of us knew Enderby, but we I did not like to say so. The quiet +man's anxiety was painful. We felt he could not go on with his story +unless someone knew Enderby. + +"He has a little place round at the back of the Common--quite a nice +little place." Freath--that was the quiet man's name--looked at us +reproachfully. + +"I think I know Enderby," said Dalton. "Isn't he a heavily-built man +about fifty, with a grey moustache?" + +"Yes, yes," said Freath eagerly. "And a curious wart on his left cheek. +Well, I dined with him the other night. His boy was there, home for the +holidays. Very clever boy; his special study is the biology of plants. +They gave me a very good dinner; I didn't notice very much what I was +eating, but I did when the maid helped me to marrow. It was a deep +crimson colour. I tasted it somewhat nervously, for I felt they were all +watching me. It had the taste of the most exquisite fruit, and the +flavour--I am afraid you won't believe me--was that of the finest port +that I ever drank. 'How did you manage this, Arthur?' said Enderby. +'Grape-juice,' said Arthur. 'Those foreign black grapes are very cheap +just now, so I mixed some with the water that I was feeding the marrows +on.' I can't explain it to you; all I know is that I had a second +helping. I am afraid you don't believe it," said Freath uneasily. + +We assured him that we did, but we did not say it with conviction. + +"Enderby called round to see me a few days afterwards," continued +Freath, "and I walked back with him. As we went along he told me that a +relative was staying with them--an uncle. The first night, again they +had marrow for dinner. This time its flavour was not port but +whisky--Scotch whisky. The old gentleman was delighted with Arthur and +his experiments. Although an abstainer he had three helpings. This was +very pleasing to Enderby, as the uncle was a man of considerable wealth. +But he was not at all satisfied with his son's explanations, and he +thought he recognised the whisky. Although an abstainer while the War is +on, Enderby keeps a very good cellar, and when he came to look into +things he found that Arthur had been pumping his finest '60 port and old +matured Scotch whisky into the vegetable marrows. Now what do you think +of that?" + +We thought it very strange and we said so. + +"But the strangest part has yet to come. Of course they had to keep it +quiet--bottle it up, so to speak, from the old gentleman, and let the +marrows down gradually. But when the marrows were once more on a +temperance _regime_ the most extraordinary thing happened." The train +was running into Finsbury Park. Freath rose and collected his things. + +We stared at him, fascinated. + +"Enderby took me into the garden to see it. He said it had been going on +for the last week. From all directions, rioting across the flower-beds, +the lawn, down the paths, the marrows were growing towards the +wine-cellar at the rate of twelve feet a day." + +Freath hastily left the carriage and jumped into the Broad Street train. + +While we were discussing the story the voice of authority spoke: "The +whole thing's a tissue of falsehood. There's no such man as Enderby." + +"But Dalton knows him," we said. + +"I don't know Enderby," said Dalton. "But I wanted to hear the story." + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"THE PACIFISTS." + +As a reasonable jusquaboutist I have some misgivings about Mr. HENRY +ARTHUR JONES'S farce--parable, _The Pacifists_. Assume _Market +Pewbury's_ afflictions to have been as stated: an intolerable stalwart +cad of a butcher fencing-in the best part of the common, assaulting +people's grandmothers, shutting them up in coal-cellars and eating their +crumpets, kissing their wives in the market square and proposing to +abduct them to seaside resorts, and none so bold to do him violence and +make him stop it; the police being ill or absent, the Mayor and his +friend, chief victim of the butcher's aggression, unwilling on account +of principles to do anything but talk and get up leagues to deal with +the trouble in general, and in a final ecstasy of disapproval to write a +strong letter; only uncle _Belcher_, a truculent old sea-dog with a +natural lust for whisky and blood, organising an opposition, valiantly +hiring a notable pugilist to deal with the butcher, and becoming +desperately anxious lest the matter should be peaceably settled because +the basher, having been engaged, _must_ find something to bash or there +will be trouble. Well, if we must have forged for us the sword of a +three-Act parable, we should like it with one edge, not two. + +Mr. JONES was evidently bursting with the desire to give some irritating +people a very hard knock--witness the barbed dedication with which the +normally peaceful theatre-announcement columns have bristled some little +time past; and I think I dare say that we were interested in his first +Act. He did really work out his analogies with some skill. But we soon +came to feel that he was essentially doing something between flogging a +dead horse, so far as we were concerned, and shooting a sitting rabbit. +I suspect too that we realised the issues were too tragic for this kind +of buffoonery. The tribute of our applause was a tribute of loyalty to +one who has often deserved well of the republic, and partly the desire +to show that our hearts were in the right place. I don't see _The +Pacifists_ as a pamphlet making many converts. As a kick on the shins it +has points. + +I confess the thing that pleased me most was a gay little piece of +burlesque by Mr. ARTHUR CHESNEY as the red-haired shop assistant who was +_not_ a pacifist. Mr. CHARLES GLENNEY so thoroughly enjoyed the +robustious sea-captain that we had to enjoy it too--a sound notion of +entertainment, that. Mr. SEBASTIAN SMITH played chief rabbit with +considerable skill and point; Mr. LENNOX PAWLE amused with his plump +dundrearyed mayor; Mr. SAM LIVESEY'S offensive was, I am sure, as +Hunnish as its author could possibly have desired. Miss ELLIS JEFFREYS +appeared in the first Act as a very plausible imitation of a prominent +tradesman's wife in an eighth-rate provincial town, with some quite +excellent moments. But she was evidently labouring under severe strain, +and I amused myself by speculating how long she would keep out of a +really well-cut skirt and a sophisticated air of Mayfair. Just an Act. +And surely she is mistaken in thinking that an effect of extreme +agitation is best conveyed, by very rapid quasi-cinematographic +progression up and down the stage? But I saw no reason to complain of +the bold bad butcher's taste in the matter of a subject for abduction. + +T. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sergeant (to Private Simpkins arriving two days late)._ +"WELL, SIMPKINS, SO YOU'VE TURNED UP, HAVE YOU?" + +_Simpkins._ "YES, SERGEANT. BUT YOU ARE LUCKY TO GET ME. WHAT WITH +DOMESTIC TROUBLE AND ALL THAT DELUGE OF RAIN I NEARLY MADE A SEPARATE +PEACE."] + + * * * * * + +BUCEPHALUS AND THE ROAD-HOGS. + +When Miss Ropes asked at breakfast how many of us would like to watch +the very last cricket-match of the season at Lumsdale, practically the +entire hospital held up its hand, and it was found that the two cars +could not accommodate us all. It was therefore settled that Haynes (who +said he knew the moves) should drive Ansell and me over in the +governess-cart. + +It was also settled that the crew of the governess-cart should have an +early cold lunch and start an hour before the cars; thus (it was +calculated) we should all arrive at the cricket-ground fairly well +together. This did not take Haynes' driving into account. We started +from the door at a very satisfactory pace, probably because Bucephalus, +the fat pony, objected to the enthusiasm of our send-off. When we +reached the road he dropped into an amble so gentle that we decided that +he had really been running away in the drive. Next, taking advantage of +an almost imperceptible upward slope, he began to walk. Haynes clucked +at him and flapped the reins, but this had no effect beyond steering +Bucephalus into the left-hand ditch. + +"I thought you said you knew the moves," remarked Ansell. "Surely this +is wrong?" + +"The bally beast's lopsided," said Haynes with heat. "One side of his +mouth's hard and the other soft." + +"The difficulty being," I suggested as we lurched across the road into +the other ditch, "to discover which is which.... Now you're straight. +We'd better trot. It's only a one-day match." + +Haynes used the ancient whip, which had as much effect as tickling a +rhinoceros with a feather. + +"Goad him with a penknife," suggested Ansell unfeelingly. + +"There must be some way," said Haynes. "Because they _do_ trot, you +know." + +"Speaking as one ignorant amateur to another," I asked, "isn't the right +thing to pull gently on the reins and then slacken? You go on doing it +till the animal gets your meaning. Try it." + +Haynes tried it, and Bucephalus stopped dead. Repetition of the +treatment simply produced a tendency to back. + +"For heaven's sake don't lose any of the ground we've gained," said +Ansell. "Let's get on, if only at a walk." + +"We shall have to tow him," decided Haynes. He got out and hauled at the +bridle, but Bucephalus refused to budge. + +"This," said Ansell, becoming suddenly business-like, "is where the Boy +Hero modestly but firmly takes charge. Jump in." + +He picked up the reins and, though he apparently did nothing in +particular with them, Bucephalus came to life at once and broke into a +lumbering trot. + +"You silly chump, why didn't you say you could drive?" asked Haynes. + +"Nobody asked me," said the Boy Hero modestly, "and I was shy." + +At the time when we had been scheduled to reach the cricket-ground we +had still a mile to go along a narrow leafy road, hardly more than a +lane. The cars were overdue, and Haynes, whose haughty spirit could not +brook the idea of being passed by jeering plutocrats, propounded a +scheme. + +"They can't pass us unless we go into the ditch," he explained. "So when +they come we'll pretend to be asleep, take up the middle of the road, +and simply ignore them. We'll get there first, after all." + +A moment later we heard the buzz of engines. I took a hurried glance +round and saw the sunlight on brasswork as the car came round a distant +corner. + +"It's them," I said. + +The reins dropped slackly on Bucephalus's back and he slowed to a walk. +Inside the governess-cart all was somnolent peace. Behind us the car was +already beginning to make remarks on one of those abusive +press-the-button horns. "You FOOL! You FOOL! Get OUT o' the way! Get OUT +o' the way!" it said. Then we heard the car slow down and pandemonium +broke loose. The horn was reinforced by an ordinary hooter, a whistle, +several human voices and, lastly, an exhaust siren. I stole a glance at +Ansell and found that he was having a good deal of surreptitious trouble +in restraining our fiery steed from doing a second bolt. + +"I say," whispered Haynes in sudden agitation, "_has_ Miss Ropes an +exhaust siren?" + +"No, she hasn't," Ansell replied in tones of horror. "We've held up the +wrong car." He looked round. "Good Lord!" he added softly and pulled +Bucephalus into the ditch. In the car, with a grinning Tommy at the +wheel, sat two apoplectic generals and a highly explosive brigade-major. +They came alongside, and I should never be allowed to repeat what they +said to us. It seemed that by delaying them we had been hindering the +day's work of the entire Home Forces. We were given to understand that +it was only the blue bands on our arms which saved us from being +court-martialled on the spot and shot by the grinning Tommy at dawn. +Then they passed on. + +When our cars did appear a minute or two later we pulled meekly into the +ditch to let them pass, and could find no better answer to the jeers of +their occupants than a wan sickly smile apiece. + + * * * * * + +THE TEST OF TYPE. + +_(Suggested by these adjacent paragraphs in a daily paper.)_ + + "Maj. ----. For conspicuous gallantry and resource. He rallied + his men when the left flank was seriously threatened, and by his + energy and fine example saved the situation. He subsequently + commanded his battalion with great ability. He has displayed + marked gallantry in every action in which he has taken part." + + "A London angler, Mr. ----, has caught a roach of 2 lb. 1 oz. in + the Lark at Barton Mills, the largest fish of its kind landed + from this Suffolk stream for some years." + + Though in these times monopolized by Mars + There's not a day that passes but one reads-- + Sandwiched between unprofitable "pars" + And other wholly negligible screeds-- + Of decorations, crosses, medals, bars, + Bestowed for valiant and heroic deeds; + Over these records we must often pass + Unless we've got a magnifying-glass! + + But if some member of a fishing club + In London or the provinces, renowned + For prowess with the lob-worm or the grub, + Should land a roach of more than half a pound, + Then in the leading papers of the hub + Full space for that achievement will be found, + And clearest type and unaffected rapture + Will signalize the epoch-making capture! + + The moral of the episode is plain: + If soldiers wish to petrify the nation, + Let them--when leave permits--no more disdain + To join a Roach or Perch Association, + Cull giant gooseberries, and strive to gain + Prizes for Blind-fold Pig Delineation. + Thus only--not by cross or golden stripe-- + Will they achieve the honour of big type. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: REPRISALS. + +_Competitor (in international contest)._ "THE BLIGHTER'S BIT ME." + +_Referee._ "WELL, AIN'T YER GOT NO TEETH OF YER OWN? BOX ON."] + + * * * * * + +SHAKSPEARE AND THE WAR. + +[Since the entry of the United States all the English-speaking peoples +are in alliance for freedom.] + + I think our SHAKSPEARE, gone this many a year + To some rich haven where the poets throng + And Ruler of Ten Cities wrought in song + And spired with rhythmic music, high and clear, + Still finds his England something close and dear, + Rejoicing when her justice baffles wrong + And willing her to wrestle and be strong. + I think he bides by England and is near. + + And, in the purpose of his Overlord, + His weaving spirit, still in cloudless youth + With minstrelsy made perfect, throws a cord + That rings the continents in its magic reach + To gather all who share his English speech + In one firm warrior bond of troth and truth. + + * * * * * + +"LET LAWS AND LEARNING..." + + "I should add that Viscount Harberton sees a chance for his own + order in the circumstance that, while the poor man's child is + driven to school by the inspector, the rich man can 'boot the + spy out,' and so confer on his children the priceless boon of + complete illiteracy. Shall we live to see a House of Lords that + makes its mark?"--_Observer._ + +Some of them, we believe, are under the impression that they have done +so already. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Unless you can share with me the sad immunity of the forties, I must +despair of translating for you the emotion raised in my antique soul by +the wrapper of a new RIDER HAGGARD story bearing the picture of a Zulu +and the discovery inside that _Quatermain_ is come again! The tale that +has so excited me is called, a little ominously, _Finished_ (WARD, +LOCK), and I could have better loved a cheerier title. The matter is, to +begin with, an affair of a shady doctor, of I.D.B. and an abduction; +none of it, I admit, any too absorbing. But about halfway through the +author, as though sharing my own views upon this part of the plot, +exchanges (so to speak) the Shady for the Black, and transports us all +to Zululand. And if you need reminding of what H.R.H. can do with that +delectable country, I can only say I am sorry for you. Incidentally +there are some stirring scenes from certain pages of history that the +glare of these later days has rather faded--Isandhlwana and Rorke's +Drift among them; as well as the human drama of the feud between +CETEWAYO (terror of my nursery!) and the witch-doctor _Zikali_. Whether +the old careless rapture is altogether recovered is another matter; at +least the jolly unpronounceable names are still there, and the +picturesque speech. Most of the names, that is; _Allan_ of course, and +others, but I for one should have welcomed rare _Umslopogaas_--or +however he is rightly spelt--and _Curtis_, for personal reasons my +favourite of the gallant company that have so often kept secret +rendezvous with me behind the unlifted lid of a desk at preparation +time. And now have we really come at long last to _Finished_? I can only +hope that Sir H. RIDER HAGGARD doesn't mean it. + + * * * * * + +Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD may be numbered amongst the most indefatigable of +women war-workers. She has now followed up her former success in +_England's Effort_ with a volume carrying on the story of our part in +the War under the title of _Towards the Goal_ (MURRAY). The book is +written in the form of a series of letters addressed to ex-President +ROOSEVELT, as the onlie begetter both of it and its predecessor. It is +further equipped with a preface by the hand of this same able and +clear-sighted gentleman, the chief drawback of which (from my reviewing +point of view) is that it covers so well the whole ground of +appreciation as to leave me nothing more to add. "Mrs. Ward writes nobly +on a noble theme"--_voila tout!_ Her theme, as I have hinted, is a +further exposition of Britain's war activities as those have developed +since the former book was published. In its course Mrs. WARD gives us +some vivid experiences of her own as a visitor to the Western Front: +things seen and heard, well calculated (were this needed) to stiffen the +resolution of the great people to whom her letters are really written. +_England's Effort_ was, I understand, translated into many tongues (with +results that can hardly fail of being enormously valuable); _Towards the +Goal_ should certainly receive the same treatment of which it is well +worthy. + + * * * * * + +Mr. WILLIAM HARBUTT DAWSON, in his _After War Problems_ (ALLEN AND +UNWIN), covers, under the four headings, Empire and Citizenship, Natural +Efficiency, Social Reform, and National Finance and Taxation, +bewilderingly wide ground, and drives a perhaps rather mandarinish team +of contributors. Lord HALDANE, for instance, is no longer in the real +van of educational endeavour, and is it wholly insignificant that his +chapter on Education appears in the section headed National Efficiency +rather than in that of Social Reform? It ought not to be difficult to +give, in the light of these last years, a wider interpretation to +Patriotism than that expressed by Lord MEATH on lines familiar to his +public. Sir WILLIAM CHANCE has seen no new sign in the skies in relation +to the problem of poverty. Sir BENJAMIN BROWNE, whose death all those +interested in the settlement of the Capital-Labour quarrel must deplore, +as for all his uncompromising individualism he brought to it a rare +breadth of view, says much that is of real value, but does not refrain +from appealing to the fact that the mutual confidence of man and officer +in battle is a proof of the possibility of a similar confidence in the +workshop. That confidence must, and can, we dare to believe, eventually +be established. But the men don't go over the top to put money in the +Colonel's pocket, and little good is done by exploiting these loose +analogies and putting on a too easy air of optimism in the face of +desperately serious and complex problems. But enough of fault-finding, +which is a poor reward for the serious and generous labours of +public-spirited men and women. After all, what one reader calls timidity +of outlook another may care to praise as prudence. Here you will find an +abundance of safe analysis, wise comment and constructive suggestion +from a galaxy of accredited authorities. + + * * * * * + +In the early chapters of Mr. WILLIAM HEWLETT'S new story, _The +Plot-Maker_ (DUCKWORTH), we are introduced to a popular and highly +successful novelist, named _Coulthard Henderson_, in the emotional +crisis produced by a sudden doubt as to whether his output of +best-sellers represented anything in the least approaching actuality. +You will admit a tragic situation. He meets it by the determination that +his next book shall be a veritable slice of life, and to this end he +selects and finances an eligible young man for the purpose of +vicariously experiencing those emotions, from which age and other causes +debar the chronicler; in other words, he hires a hero. The worst of this +excellent idea is that it can hardly be said to originate either with +_Mr. Henderson_ or Mr. HEWLETT, that credit belonging (I fancy) to the +late HERBERT FLOWERDEW in a too-little-appreciated masterpiece of +sensational burlesque called _The Realist_. However, _The Plot-Maker_, +once set going, develops admirably enough on lines entirely its own. The +so-much-an-hour hero turns out an engaging young gentleman, but a +wofully poor protagonist. The situation where (in the midst of whirling +events) he makes the startling discovery that he himself has been in +some way switched on to the part of villain is one that you can +appreciate only at first hand. Certainly if you want (as who does not in +these days?) an anaesthetic of agreeable nonsense _The Plot-Maker_ is a +medium that I can cordially recommend: one obvious advantage being that +you need not try to believe a single word of it. + + * * * * * + +HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF. + +From a publisher's list:-- + + "Shells as evidence of the Migrations of Early Culture." + +And modern Kultur spreads itself in just the same old way. + + * * * * * + + "Lady Required to Share Rome with another." + + _Staffordshire Sentinel_. + +But what about the King of ITALY, not to mention the POPE? + + +[Illustration: _Eastern Potentate (rusticating)_. "YOU HAVE NO IDEA, MY +DEAR FRIEND, HOW SOOTHING IT IS TO ME TO GET AWAY FROM THE LUXURIOUS AND +ARTIFICIAL LIFE OF THE COURT AND TO SPEND MY WEEK-ENDS IN QUIET +RETIREMENT HERE IN THE COUNTRY WHERE A FRIEND MAY DROP IN FOR POT LUCK +AND TAKE US IN THE ROUGH."] + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +153, SEPT. 12, 1917*** + + +******* This file should be named 10594.txt or 10594.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/5/9/10594 + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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