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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10568 ***
+
+SHIP'S COMPANY
+
+By W.W. Jacobs
+
+
+
+DUAL CONTROL
+
+
+"Never say 'die,' Bert," said Mr. Culpepper, kindly; "I like you, and so
+do most other people who know what's good for 'em; and if Florrie don't
+like you she can keep single till she does."
+
+Mr. Albert Sharp thanked him.
+
+"Come in more oftener," said Mr. Culpepper.  "If she don't know a steady
+young man when she sees him, it's her mistake."
+
+"Nobody could be steadier than what I am," sighed Mr. Sharp.
+
+Mr. Culpepper nodded.  "The worst of it is, girls don't like steady young
+men," he said, rumpling his thin grey hair; "that's the silly part of
+it."
+
+"But you was always steady, and Mrs. Culpepper married you," said the
+young man.
+
+Mr. Culpepper nodded again.  "She thought I was, and that came to the
+same thing," he said, composedly.  "And it ain't for me to say, but she
+had an idea that I was very good-looking in them days.  I had chestnutty
+hair.  She burnt a piece of it only the other day she'd kept for thirty
+years."
+
+[Illustration: A very faint squeeze in return decided him]
+
+"Burnt it?  What for?"  inquired Mr. Sharp.
+
+"Words," said the other, lowering his voice.  "When I want one thing
+nowadays she generally wants another; and the things she wants ain't the
+things I want."
+
+Mr. Sharp shook his head and sighed again.
+
+"You ain't talkative enough for Florrie, you know," said Mr. Culpepper,
+regarding him.
+
+"I can talk all right as a rule," retorted Mr. Sharp.  "You ought to hear
+me at the debating society; but you can't talk to a girl who doesn't talk
+back."
+
+"You're far too humble," continued the other.  "You should cheek her a
+bit now and then.  Let 'er see you've got some spirit.  Chaff 'er."
+
+"That's no good," said the young man, restlessly.  "I've tried it.  Only
+the other day I called her 'a saucy little kipper,' and the way she went
+on, anybody would have thought I'd insulted her.  Can't see a joke, I
+s'pose.  Where is she now?"
+
+"Upstairs," was the reply.
+
+"That's because I'm here," said Mr. Sharp.  "If it had been Jack Butler
+she'd have been down fast enough."
+
+"It couldn't be him," said Mr. Culpepper, "because I won't have 'im in
+the house.  I've told him so; I've told her so, and I've told 'er aunt
+so.  And if she marries without my leave afore she's thirty she loses the
+seven hundred pounds 'er father left her.  You've got plenty of time--ten
+years."
+
+Mr. Sharp, sitting with his hands between his knees, gazed despondently
+at the floor.  "There's a lot o' girls would jump at me," he remarked.
+"I've only got to hold up my little finger and they'd jump."
+
+"That's because they've got sense," said Mr. Culpepper.  "They've got the
+sense to prefer steadiness and humdrumness to good looks and dash.  A
+young fellow like you earning thirty-two-and-six a week can do without
+good looks, and if I've told Florrie so once I have told her fifty
+times."
+
+"Looks are a matter of taste," said Mr. Sharp, morosely.  "Some of them
+girls I was speaking about just now--"
+
+"Yes, yes," said Mr. Culpepper, hastily.  "Now, look here; you go on a
+different tack.  Take a glass of ale like a man or a couple o' glasses;
+smoke a cigarette or a pipe.  Be like other young men.  Cut a dash, and
+don't be a namby-pamby.  After you're married you can be as miserable as
+you like."
+
+Mr. Sharp, after a somewhat lengthy interval, thanked him.
+
+"It's my birthday next Wednesday," continued Mr. Culpepper, regarding him
+benevolently; "come round about seven, and I'll ask you to stay to
+supper.  That'll give you a chance.  Anybody's allowed to step a bit over
+the mark on birthdays, and you might take a glass or two and make a
+speech, and be so happy and bright that they'd 'ardly know you.  If you
+want an excuse for calling, you could bring me a box of cigars for my
+birthday."
+
+"Or come in to wish you 'Many Happy Returns of the Day,'" said the
+thrifty Mr. Sharp.
+
+"And don't forget to get above yourself," said Mr. Culpepper, regarding
+him sternly; "in a gentlemanly way, of course.  Have as many glasses as
+you like--there's no stint about me."
+
+"If it ever comes off," said Mr. Sharp, rising--"if I get her through
+you, you shan't have reason to repent it.  I'll look after that."
+
+Mr. Culpepper, whose feelings were a trifle ruffled, said that he would
+"look after it too."  He had a faint idea that, even from his own point
+of view, he might have made a better selection for his niece's hand.
+
+Mr. Sharp smoked his first cigarette the following morning, and,
+encouraged by the entire absence of any after-effects, purchased a pipe,
+which was taken up by a policeman the same evening for obstructing the
+public footpath in company with a metal tobacco-box three parts full.
+
+In the matter of ale he found less difficulty.  Certainly the taste was
+unpleasant, but, treated as medicine and gulped down quickly, it was
+endurable.  After a day or two he even began to be critical, and on
+Monday evening went so far as to complain of its flatness to the wide-
+eyed landlord of the "Royal George."
+
+"Too much cellar-work," he said, as he finished his glass and made for
+the door.
+
+"Too much!  'Ere, come 'ere," said the landlord, thickly.  "I want to
+speak to you."
+
+The expert shook his head, and, passing out into, the street, changed
+colour as he saw Miss Garland approaching.  In a blundering fashion he
+clutched at his hat and stammered out a "Good evening."
+
+Miss Garland returned the greeting and, instead of passing on, stopped
+and, with a friendly smile, held out her hand.  Mr. Sharp shook it
+convulsively.
+
+"You are just the man I want to see," she exclaimed.  "Aunt and I have
+been talking about you all the afternoon."
+
+Mr. Sharp said "Really!"
+
+"But I don't want uncle to see us," pursued Miss Garland, in the low
+tones of confidence.  "Which way shall we go?"
+
+Mr. Sharp's brain reeled.  All ways were alike to him in such company.
+He walked beside her like a man in a dream.
+
+"We want to give him a lesson," said the girl, presently.  "A lesson that
+he will remember."
+
+"Him?"  said the young man.
+
+"Uncle," explained the girl.  "It's a shocking thing, a wicked thing, to
+try and upset a steady young man like you.  Aunt is quite put out about
+it, and I feel the same as she does."
+
+"But," gasped the astonished Mr. Sharp, "how did you?"
+
+"Aunt heard him," said Miss Garland.  "She was just going into the room
+when she caught a word or two, and she stayed outside and listened.  You
+don't know what a lot she thinks of you."
+
+Mr. Sharp's eyes opened wider than ever.  "I thought she didn't like me,"
+he said, slowly.
+
+"Good gracious!"  said Miss Garland.  "Whatever could have put such an
+idea as that into your head?  Of course, aunt isn't always going to let
+uncle see that she agrees with him.  Still, as if anybody could help--"
+she murmured to herself.
+
+"Eh?"  said the young man, in a trembling voice.
+
+"Nothing."
+
+Miss Garland walked along with averted face; Mr. Sharp, his pulses
+bounding, trod on air beside her.
+
+"I thought," he said, at last "I thought that Jack Butler was a favourite
+of hers?"
+
+"Jack Butler!"  said the girl, in tones of scornful surprise.  "The idea!
+How blind men are; you're all alike, I think.  You can't see two inches
+in front of you.  She's as pleased as possible that you are coming on
+Wednesday; and so am--"
+
+Mr. Sharp caught his breath.  "Yes?"  he murmured.
+
+"Let's go down here," said Miss Garland quickly; "down by the river.  And
+I'll tell you what we want you to do."
+
+She placed her hand lightly on his arm, and Mr. Sharp, with a tremulous
+smile, obeyed.  The smile faded gradually as he listened, and an
+expression of anxious astonishment took its place.  He shook his head as
+she proceeded, and twice ventured a faint suggestion that she was only
+speaking in jest.  Convinced at last, against his will, he walked on in
+silent consternation.
+
+"But," he said at last, as Miss Garland paused for breath, "your uncle
+would never forgive me.  He'd never let me come near the house again."
+
+"Aunt will see to that," said the girl, confidently.  "But, of course, if
+you don't wish to please me--"
+
+She turned away, and Mr. Sharp, plucking up spirit, ventured to take her
+hand and squeeze it.  A faint, a very faint, squeeze in return decided
+him.
+
+"It will come all right afterwards," said Miss Garland, "especially with
+the hold it will give aunt over him."
+
+"I hope so," said the young man.  "If not, I shall be far--farther off
+than ever."
+
+Miss Garland blushed and, turning her head, gazed steadily at the river.
+
+"Trust me," she said at last.  "Me and auntie."
+
+Mr. Sharp said that so long as he pleased her nothing else mattered, and,
+in the seventh heaven of delight, paced slowly along the towpath by her
+side.
+
+"And you mustn't mind what auntie and I say to you," said the girl,
+continuing her instructions.  "We must keep up appearances, you know; and
+if we seem to be angry, you must remember we are only pretending."
+
+Mr. Sharp, with a tender smile, said that he understood perfectly.
+
+"And now I had better go," said Florrie, returning the smile.  "Uncle
+might see us together, or somebody else might see us and tell him.
+Good-bye."
+
+She shook hands and went off, stopping three times to turn and wave her
+hand.  In a state of bewildered delight Mr. Sharp continued his stroll,
+rehearsing, as he went, the somewhat complicated and voluminous
+instructions she had given him.
+
+By Wednesday evening he was part-perfect, and, in a state of mind divided
+between nervousness and exaltation, set out for Mr. Culpepper's.  He
+found that gentleman, dressed in his best, sitting in an easy-chair with
+his hands folded over a fancy waistcoat of startling design, and, placing
+a small box of small cigars on his knees, wished him the usual "Happy
+Returns."  The entrance of the ladies, who seemed as though they had just
+come off the ice, interrupted Mr. Culpepper's thanks.
+
+"Getting spoiled, that's what I am," he remarked, playfully.  "See this
+waistcoat?  My old Aunt Elizabeth sent it this morning."
+
+He leaned back in his chair and glanced down in warm approval.  "The
+missis gave me a pipe, and Florrie gave me half a pound of tobacco.  And
+I bought a bottle of port wine myself, for all of us."
+
+He pointed to a bottle that stood on the supper-table, and, the ladies
+retiring to the kitchen to bring in the supper, rose and placed chairs.
+A piece of roast beef was placed before him, and, motioning Mr. Sharp to
+a seat opposite Florrie, he began to carve.
+
+"Just a nice comfortable party," he said, genially, as he finished.
+"Help yourself to the ale, Bert."
+
+Mr. Sharp, ignoring the surprise on the faces of the ladies, complied,
+and passed the bottle to Mr. Culpepper.  They drank to each other, and
+again a flicker of surprise appeared on the faces of Mrs. Culpepper and
+her niece.  Mr. Culpepper, noticing it, shook his head waggishly at Mr.
+Sharp.
+
+"He drinks it as if he likes it," he remarked.
+
+"I do," asserted Mr. Sharp, and, raising his glass, emptied it, and
+resumed the attack on his plate.  Mr. Culpepper unscrewed the top of
+another bottle, and the reckless Mr. Sharp, after helping himself, made a
+short and feeling speech, in which he wished Mr. Culpepper long life and
+happiness.  "If you ain't happy with Mrs. Culpepper," he concluded,
+gallantly, "you ought to be."
+
+Mr. Culpepper nodded and went on eating in silence until, the keen edge
+of his appetite having been taken off, he put down his knife and fork and
+waxed sentimental.
+
+"Been married over thirty years," he said, slowly, with a glance at his
+wife, "and never regretted it."
+
+"Who hasn't?"  inquired Mr. Sharp.
+
+"Why, me," returned the surprised Mr. Culpepper.
+
+Mr. Sharp, who had just raised his glass, put it down again and smiled.
+It was a faint smile, but it seemed to affect his host unfavourably.
+
+"What are you smiling at?"  he demanded.
+
+"Thoughts," said Mr. Sharp, exchanging a covert glance with Florrie.
+"Something you told me the other day."
+
+Mr. Culpepper looked bewildered.  "I'll give you a penny for them
+thoughts," he said, with an air of jocosity.
+
+Mr. Sharp shook his head.  "Money couldn't buy 'em," he said, with owlish
+solemnity, "espec--especially after the good supper you're giving me."
+
+"Bert," said Mr. Culpepper, uneasily, as his wife sat somewhat erect
+"Bert, it's my birthday, and I don't grudge nothing to nobody; but go
+easy with the beer.  You ain't used to it, you know."
+
+"What's the matter with the beer?"  inquired Mr. Sharp.  "It tastes all
+right--what there is of it."
+
+"It ain't the beer; it's you," explained Mr. Culpepper.
+
+Mr. Sharp stared at him.  "Have I said anything I oughtn't to?"  he
+inquired.
+
+Mr. Culpepper shook his head, and, taking up a fork and spoon, began to
+serve a plum-pudding that Miss Garland had just placed on the table.
+
+"What was it you said I was to be sure and not tell Mrs. Culpepper?"
+inquired Mr. Sharp, dreamily.  "I haven't said that, have I?"
+
+"No!"  snapped the harassed Mr. Culpepper, laying down the fork and spoon
+and regarding him ferociously.  "I mean, there wasn't anything.  I mean,
+I didn't say so.  You're raving."
+
+"If I did say it, I'm sorry," persisted Mr. Sharp.  "I can't say fairer
+than that, can I?"
+
+"You're all right," said Mr. Culpepper, trying, but in vain, to exchange
+a waggish glance with his wife.
+
+"I didn't say it?"  inquired Mr. Sharp.
+
+"No," said Mr. Culpepper, still smiling in a wooden fashion.
+
+"I mean the other thing?"  said Mr. Sharp, in a thrilling whisper.
+
+"Look here," exclaimed the overwrought Mr. Culpepper; "why not eat your
+pudding, and leave off talking nonsense?  Nobody's listening to you."
+
+"Speak for yourself," said his wife, tartly.  "I like to hear Mr. Sharp
+talk.  What was it he told you not to tell me?"
+
+Mr. Sharp eyed her mistily.  "I--I can't tell you," he said, slowly.
+
+"Why not?"  asked Mrs. Culpepper, coaxingly.
+
+"Because it--it would make your hair stand on end," said the industrious
+Mr. Sharp.
+
+"Nonsense," said Mrs. Culpepper, sharply.
+
+"He said it would," said Mr. Sharp, indicating his host with his spoon,
+"and he ought--to know-- Who's that kicking me under the table?"
+
+Mr. Culpepper, shivering with wrath and dread, struggled for speech.
+"You'd better get home, Bert," he said at last.  "You're not yourself.
+There's nobody kicking you under the table.  You don't know what you are
+saying.  You've been dreaming things.  I never said anything of the
+kind."
+
+"Memory's gone," said Mr. Sharp, shaking his head at him.  "Clean gone.
+Don't you remember--"
+
+"NO!"  roared Mr. Culpepper.
+
+Mr. Sharp sat blinking at him, but his misgivings vanished before the
+glances of admiring devotion which Miss Garland was sending in his
+direction.  He construed them rightly not only as a reward, but as an
+incentive to further efforts.  In the midst of an impressive silence Mrs.
+Culpepper collected the plates and, producing a dish of fruit from the
+sideboard, placed it upon the table.
+
+"Help yourself, Mr. Sharp," she said, pushing the bottle of port towards
+him.
+
+Mr. Sharp complied, having first, after several refusals, put a little
+into the ladies' glasses, and a lot on the tablecloth near Mr. Culpepper.
+Then, after a satisfying sip or two, he rose with a bland smile and
+announced his intention of making a speech.
+
+"But you've made one," said his host, in tones of fierce expostulation.
+
+"That--that was las' night," said Mr. Sharp.  "This is to-night--your
+birthday."
+
+"Well, we don't want any more," said Mr. Culpepper.
+
+Mr. Sharp hesitated.  "It's only his fun," he said, looking round and
+raising his glass.  "He's afraid I'm going to praise him up--praise him
+up.  Here's to my old friend, Mr. Culpepper: one of the best.  We all
+have our--faults, and he has his--has his.  Where was I?"
+
+"Sit down," growled Mr. Culpepper.
+
+"Talking about my husband's faults," said his wife.
+
+"So I was," said Mr. Sharp, putting his hand to his brow.  "Don't be
+alarm'," he continued, turning to his host; "nothing to be alarm' about.
+I'm not going to talk about 'em.  Not so silly as that, I hope.  I don't
+want spoil your life."
+
+"Sit down," repeated Mr. Culpepper.
+
+"You're very anxious he should sit down," said his wife, sharply.
+
+"No, I'm not," said Mr. Culpepper; "only he's talking nonsense."
+
+Mr. Sharp, still on his legs, took another sip of port and, avoiding the
+eye of Mr. Culpepper, which was showing signs of incipient inflammation,
+looked for encouragement to Miss Garland.
+
+"He's a man we all look up to and respect," he continued.  "If he does go
+off to London every now and then on business, that's his lookout.  My
+idea is he always ought to take Mrs. Culpepper with him.
+
+"He'd have pleasure of her company and, same time, he'd be money in pocket
+by it.  And why shouldn't she go to music-halls sometimes?  Why shouldn't
+she--"
+
+"You get off home," said the purple Mr. Culpepper, rising and hammering
+the table with his fist.  "Get off home; and if you so much as show your
+face inside this 'ouse again there'll be trouble.  Go on.  Out you go!"
+
+"Home?"  repeated Mr. Sharp, sitting down suddenly.  "Won't go home till
+morning."
+
+"Oh, we'll soon see about that," said Mr. Culpepper, taking him by the
+shoulders.  "Come on, now."
+
+Mr. Sharp subsided lumpishly into his chair, and Mr. Culpepper, despite
+his utmost efforts, failed to move him.  The two ladies exchanged a
+glance, and then, with their heads in the air, sailed out of the room,
+the younger pausing at the door to bestow a mirthful glance upon Mr.
+Sharp ere she disappeared.
+
+"Come--out," said Mr. Culpepper, panting.
+
+"You trying to tickle me?"  inquired Mr. Sharp.
+
+"You get off home," said the other.  "You've been doing nothing but make
+mischief ever since you came in.  What put such things into your silly
+head I don't know.  I shall never hear the end of 'em as long as I live."
+
+"Silly head?"  repeated Mr. Sharp, with an alarming change of manner.
+"Say it again."
+
+Mr. Culpepper repeated it with gusto.
+
+"Very good," said Mr. Sharp.  He seized him suddenly and, pushing him
+backwards into his easychair, stood over him with such hideous
+contortions of visage that Mr. Culpepper was horrified.  "Now you sit
+there and keep quite still," he said, with smouldering ferocity.  "Where
+did you put carving-knife?  Eh?  Where's carving-knife?"
+
+"No, no, Bert," said Mr. Culpepper, clutching at his sleeve.  "I--I was
+only joking.  You--you ain't quite yourself, Bert."
+
+"What?"  demanded the other, rolling his eyes, and clenching his fists.
+
+"I--I mean you've improved," said Mr. Culpepper, hurriedly.  "Wonderful,
+you have."
+
+Mr. Sharp's countenance cleared a little.  "Let's make a night of it," he
+said.  "Don't move, whatever you do."
+
+[Illustration: He felt the large and clumsy hand of Mr. Butler take him
+by the collar]
+
+He closed the door and, putting the wine and a couple of glasses on the
+mantelpiece, took a chair by Mr. Culpepper and prepared to spend the
+evening.  His instructions were too specific to be disregarded, and three
+times he placed his arm about the waist of the frenzied Mr. Culpepper and
+took him for a lumbering dance up and down the room.  In the intervals
+between dances he regaled him with interminable extracts from speeches
+made at the debating society and recitations learned at school.
+Suggestions relating to bed, thrown out by Mr. Culpepper from time to
+time, were repelled with scorn.  And twice, in deference to Mr. Sharp's
+desires, he had to join in the chorus of a song.
+
+Ten o'clock passed, and the hands of the clock crawled round to eleven.
+The hour struck, and, as though in answer, the door opened and the
+agreeable face of Florrie Garland appeared.  Behind her, to the intense
+surprise of both gentlemen, loomed the stalwart figure of Mr. Jack
+Butler.
+
+"I thought he might be useful, uncle," said Miss Garland, coming into the
+room.  "Auntie wouldn't let me come down before."
+
+Mr. Sharp rose in a dazed fashion and saw Mr. Culpepper grasp Mr. Butler
+by the hand.  More dazed still, he felt the large and clumsy hand of Mr.
+Butler take him by the collar and propel him with some violence along the
+small passage, while another hand, which he dimly recognized as belonging
+to Mr. Culpepper, was inserted in the small of his back.  Then the front
+door opened and he was thrust out into the night.  The door closed, and a
+low feminine laugh sounded from a window above.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Dual Control, by W.W. Jacobs
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10568 ***